The United States Patent and Trademark Office has granted well over 8 million patents, so it would stand to reason that at least of few of them were authored by people with a certain degree of fame. Like Lawrence Welk, for instance. Yes, the '70s-era polka king was somewhat of a tinkerer. So was Kurt Vonnegut. And Harry Houdini.

But Gallagher the prop comedian? Or Paula Abdul? Where’s the barrier to entry, USPTO? Read further for an inside look at the inscrutable world of celebrity patents. If we knew it was this easy to win a patent, Gadget Lab would have thrown down too.

Lawrence Welk’s Ornamental Lunchbox

Bandleader. TV personality. The creator of “champagne music” and its associated bubbles. Lawrence Welk was indeed a man of many talents. But Welk didn’t just love music, he loved those darn accordions, and all this affection is on display in his patent for an Ornamental Lunchbox that resembles a squeezebox. If your kids dig both “Fiddlestring Fries” (check the illustration) and accordions, this is the meal-toting apparatus for them.

Photo: KTLA

Francis Ford Coppola’s Garment for Identifying Location on Body of the Garment Wearer

Auteur Francis Ford Coppola directed some of history’s most important movies. So where does he put his artistic sensibilities when he’s not wowing us cinematically? He designs and patents shirts to help people direct friends to where an itch should be scratched. His Garment For Identifying Location on Body of the Garment Wearer patent describes a shirt with a number grid that indicated the precise location of an itchy trouble spot. The illustration seems a bit confusing with the same number being used multiple times, so our advice for Coppola is to create a Battleship-style coordinates system. “C8, you sunk my back itch!”

Photo: American Zoetrope

Julie Newmar’s Cheeky Derriere Relief

Newmar was the original Catwoman on the '60s-era Batman TV show. While playing the feline nemesis-slash-love interest, the actress took it upon herself to design her own Catwoman suit for the show, and made sure the costume highlighted her hourglass figure. But Newmar’s clothing design didn’t end at mere camp -- the actress also patented a pantyhose system that helped flatten a woman’s abdomen while also rounding out her butt. The Cheeky Derriere Relief is probably one of the more hilariously named patents in the system.

Photo: Greenway Productions

Jack Johnson’s Adjustable Wrench

Jack Johnson was the first African American heavyweight boxing champion of the world. Known as Gentleman Jack, he was famous for not only breaking color lines, but also for his love of auto racing and insatiable appetite for women. And it was his love of women, specifically an alleged prostitute, that landed him in jail. While incarcerated, Jack modified a wrench so that it could be easily adjusted to tighten multiple-size fasteners. He patented the design, and today it’s something that remains familiar to many a mechanic and handyman.

Photo: Library of Congress

Steve McQueen’s Bucket Seats

Steve McQueen was more than just the perfect anti-hero of the '60s and '70s. He was also an accomplished car and motorcycle racer. And, no, he wasn’t a celebrity racing poser. He actually competed against real drivers like Mario Andretti. So it’s no surprise that the star of Bullitt would design and patent a Bucket Seat for race cars. Judging from the patent illustrations, the seats are designed to work with a four-point harness. Exactly what you would expect from the King of Cool.

Photo: Warner Bros.

Houdini’s Quick Change Diving Suit

Photo: Library of Congress

Harry Houdini never met a liquidy enclosure he couldn’t escape from -- and this patent perhaps explains why. Simply called Diver’s Suit, the patent describes a system that allows the wearer to quickly escape the suit in case something goes horribly wrong during a dive. The patent also includes technology that lets the diver put on the suit without the need for enlisting assistants.

Photo: Library of Congress

Hedy Lamarr’s Secret Communications System

A starlet of the golden age of cinema, Hedy Lamarr was more than just a pretty face. In conjunction with composer George Antheil, Lamarr patented a Secret Communications System. The original idea was for a system to remotely control musical instruments. But the final patent detailed a frequency-hopping system that was used to stymie enemy efforts to jam radio-controlled torpedoes. This more complex iteration was used by the United States military during the Cuba blockade, and the basic frequency-hopping concept has since been adopted by mobile carriers. So the next time you’re able to make a mobile phone call, you can thank the star of Cecil B. DeMille's Samson and Delilah.

Photo: Walter Wagner Productions

Kurt Vonnegut’s Easily Cleaned Tobacco Pipe

One of America’s greatest novelists, Kurt Vonnegut was a satirist of the highest order. Vonnegut was also a lifetime smoker who referred to smoking as “a classy way to commit suicide.” It may have been Vonnegut’s commitment to class that inspired him to patent an easy-to-clean Tobacco Pipe. The patent describes a tubular stem that slides out of the pipe for easy cleaning without disturbing the tobacco currently residing in the bowl.

Photo: Orion Pictures

Zeppo Marx’s Cardiac Pulse-Rate Monitor

The youngest of the five Marx brothers and one of the least well known, Zeppo Marx played the straight man during his brothers’ wacky shenanigans in their first five films. Zeppo eventually left the glamorous world of acting to concentrate on becoming a theatrical agent -- and, yes, an engineer. He made millions and patented a Cardiac Pulse-Rate Monitor that emits visual and audio cues of changes in a patient’s heart rate. Little did Zeppo know that years later, the heart rate monitor would become a familiar prop in medical dramas, and its audio cues would signal the difference between life and death.

Photo: Library of Congress

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Diaper Pocket

While the international superstar made her debut as the horror movie “scream queen” in films like Halloween and Prom Night, from the looks of her patent, it might be dirty diapers that really frighten the starlet. The patent for her Infant Garment describes a diaper with a built-in pocket for moist wipes. The pocket would end the “mad dash for the baby wipes container” whenever baby makes a boo-boo.

Photo: Compass International Pictures

Yakov Smirnoff’s Waterproof Writing Pad

Yakov Smirnoff’s jokes may have centered around a central theme -- “in Soviet Russia...” -- but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t constantly coming up with new ways to describe the differences between his homeland and the United States. Smirnoff’s patent describes a waterproof Device for Writing to be used in the shower. The pad of paper would have multiple sheets that could be torn off like a regular pad of paper, but would be entirely waterproof. For anyone who’s ever had an epiphany in the shower, this is a spectacular device. What a country!

Photo: Yakov Smirnoff

Christie Brinkley’s Educational Toy

First discovered by modeling agents at a post office in France, Christie Brinkley is known for her marriage to piano rocker Billy Joel and appearing on three consecutive Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. In addition to her love of piano-driven songs and beach wear, Brinkley is also the inventor of an Educational Toy that encourages children to build letters from a series of shapes -- pretty standard stuff from an internationally famous swimsuit-wearing supermodel.

Photo: Sports Illustrated

Marlon Brando’s Drumhead Tensioning Device and Method

Known for his roles in A Streetcar Named Desire, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now, Marlon Brando had an on-screen presence that was difficult to ignore. But off screen, Brando wanted his presence felt elsewhere -- in the world of musical instrument design. As an amatuer drummer and inventor, the actor secured four design patents for a new method of tuning conga drums. The Drumhead Tensioning Device and Method patent replaces the five to six bolts that surround a drumhead with a tensioner that uniformly tightens by way of a single element. It’s actually quite ingenious, and drummers should take note.

Photo: Paramount Pictures

Michael Jackson’s Anti Gravity Illusion

He was the King of Pop, and his trademark dance moves have been emulated at every bad wedding reception dance-a-thon since Jackson first became a pop icon in the 1980s. But one MJ move has proven to be an elusive nut to crack -- the 45-degree lean from the “Smooth Criminal” video. While the video version of the move relies on special effects, Jackson and his dance crew actually pulled off the 45-degree lean while performing live. The tech behind this trick is detailed in a patent attributed to Jackson titled, Method and Means for Creating Anti-Gravity Illusion. Turns out, the stage had anchors that the dancers would attach themselves to with a special pair of shoes. Amazing.

Photo: MJJ Productions

Penn Jillette’s Hydro-Therapeutic Simulator

As the chattier half of the Penn & Teller magician-comedy duo, Penn Jillette has no problem sharing his feelings about atheism, libertarianism and love of the Beatles. The brash magician is also the proud owner of a patent that he says was inspired by a conversation with Debbie Harry of Blondie while the two shared a hot tub. The Jill-Jet hot tub is described as a Hydro-Therapeutic Simulator with jets that direct water at a woman’s undercarriage. Well, you probably get the general gist of what it does.

Photo: Showtime

Neil Young’s Controller For a Model Train Toy Set

The influential singer-songwriter has been rocking the free world since the early 1960s. But before Young picked up his first guitar, he was playing with model trains. His love of model trains blossomed as Young grew older, and his passion became something that Young could share with his son, who sufferers from cerebral palsy. While building their gigantic train set, Neil created a wireless controller for his son, and patented the system. Titled Controller for a Model Toy Train Set , the patent describes a controller that supports multiple power sources and wireless action. It’s not pretty to look at, but not all patents are.

Photo: Warner Bros.

Gallagher’s Electronic Slot Machine

The master of fruit-smashing is more than just a frizzy-haired comedian with an insatiable desire to spray his audience with watermelon nectar. Gallagher studied particle physics before he picked up the Sledge-O-Matic. Yeah, he’s smart -- science smart. And the comedian also used his smarts to patent the next-generation Electronic Slot Machine. According to Gallagher, today’s modern kids are so entrenched in videogames, they’ll reject the current selection of slot machines once they’re old enough for casinos. Hence the need for a whole new approach.

Photo: Showtime

Bill Nye’s Ballet Pointe Shoe

Bill Nye the Science Guy has made a career of educating young people. But Nye doesn’t stop there when it comes to helping the public. While filming a show on bones and muscles at the Pacific Northwest Ballet, he noticed the dancers had bloody shoes. When he questioned the dancers about the blood, they explained that bloody shoes, and the pain associated with ballet shoes, was normal. So Nye decided to create a better Toe Shoe that allowed dancers to dance en pointe (on their tippy toes) while reducing the pain of the experience. Educator, inventor and dance maverick -- that’s Bill Nye, the Inventor Guy.

Photo: Discovery

Albert Einstein’s Blouse

Possibly the greatest mind in recorded human history, Albert Einstein was no slouch when it came to patent wins. And having worked as a patent clerk at the Swiss patent office probably gave the scientist a leg up on the process. In addition to scientific patents that would probably give most of us a brain ache, the famed physicist also dabbled in clothing design. Einstein’s Blouse design forgoes the usual sleeves found on blouses at the time, and adds buttons near the waist. Clearly the Manhattan Project scientist was ready to take on the designers of Manhattan.

Photo: Ferdinand Schmutzer

Paula Abdul’s Dynamic Mic Stand

After she gave up being a Laker Girl, but before she started judging Americans on prime time, Paula Abdul had a singing career. She danced while she sang, and found that her audio quality degraded as she bopped around with the microphone. Mic stands are cumbersome to move, but removing a mic from its stand creates a safety issue -- especially if you’re a dancer-singer who has to stay out of the way of a flailing mic cable. So Abdul patented her own Dynamic Microphone Support Apparatus. Abdul’s mic stand has a concave base that tilts with the singer. But it’s sort of puzzling, isn’t it? The singer is expected to stand on the base. This is safer than dodging a flailing cable?