Concert Dreams, Cheddar Bay Budget

Ma’am. Ma’am! I did not realize the registration fee for the revolution was going to be so high.

Me logged on to Ticketmaster

First of all, thank you. You are a phenomenal performer, businessperson, icon and GIF-factory. We are lucky to share the Earth with you.

Second of all, what the fuck are you doing charging me all this money for your concert? Where am I supposed to get the scratch to pay for your Givenchy-brand event? Can I pay in Frank’s Red Hot? Do you take Red Lobster gift cards? Do you?

No. You do not.

Ma’am!

I, like many of my compatriots, am woke af. Now. This morning I greeted my fiance with a hearty “Black Power!” (He is white. This was awkward. Yes we can, amiright?) But, ma’am, I got to pay for cable. And a wedding. And, Bey, your husband told me I had to pay for Tidal so that I could get Rihanna’s new album and I did it, ma’am, because I didn’t know that you were about to sound the horns of Jericho and make every other album irrelevant.

(I literally just remembered that Hamilton and Adele exist. It has been days since I thought of them.)

And I’m trying to support you, you know. We have to stick together as a people. It only took two and a half days from the time that you released a Black empowerment anthem for all the conversations to turn to how white people feel about it. But whatever. I’m still here for it. I’m still here for America. Yes we can. Am I right? Am I?

You gotta understand, I’m trying to have a Diana Ross in Central Park moment with you. That is, free and potentially life-threatening. I not here for these $300-a-seat reindeer games. I’m not for it!

I logged on to Ticketmaster with my BeyHive access code and I couldn’t, for the life of me, find the Black Excellence discount. This site was treating me like one of those… regular people. I was whispering at my computer screen “Girl, it’s me. What’s the black password? ‘Damn damn damn?’ Should I screenshot my nostrils?”

All very distressing.

This site tried to come back at me with some $600 for two tickets. Ma’am! I didn’t pay $600 for my bed and my ass is in that every damn day. You think I’m going to pay $600 to stand in the middle of a stadium and squint to see you?

No ma’am!

(I mean, yes ma’am, but really…)

These prices are not Cheddar Bey-informed.

Where are these seats, anyway? In an underwater police car? In Angela Davis’ living room? Am I going to be sitting directly on Jesus’ lap?

Props to you, ma’am, for charging what you’re worth. We all should. We should all make what we’re worth. If we were paid our worth, we’d all be Black Bill Gates. But then if we were all paid our worth, no one would be poor, I guess. So, upside–we could all afford your concert. Downside–we’d all have to admit Bernie Sanders is right, or something.

But that’s not the world we live in. I ain’t got this kind of money even though I am also a democratic socialist. (Doesn’t everyone join the socialists as a get rich quick scheme? Just me?) I mean, I put your tickets as an item on our wedding registry but I don’t have high hopes, Bey. We also need some Wedgewood dishes. I love you Bey, but I can’t serve dinner for 6 on your fabulousness.

As much as I have tried in the past.

Alls I’m saying, you’re stumping super hard for Red Lobster when you need to be shilling H&R Block. Cuz all your stans are going to be slaying their tax refund to pay for tickets.

But, in conclusion, I ain’t mad. Get that money, girl. You deserve every penny.

Black Power!

Eric

Coming in June 2016: TIME IS ON OUR SIDE, a world premiere play by R. Eric Thomas

Commissioned by Simpatico Theatre Project and directed by Jarrod Markman

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Published by R. Eric Thomas

R. Eric Thomas is a Barrymore Award-winning playwright and stand-up dramedian. He has been called “one of the most talented storytellers in Philly” by the Philadelphia Weekly. He is the long-running host of The Moth in Philadelphia. He writes a regular humor column for Elle.com in which he “reads” the news and frequently lectures on intersectional comedy and using narrative structure.
View all posts by R. Eric Thomas

I’m in Miami. The set-up is ridiculous. There are a few hundred (maybe thousand) seats within view of the stage, and over ten thousand on the other side of a baseball field! The ones near the stage are between $1,200 and $6,000! But you can sit across the baseball field and watch the entire show from a big screen for $100. Nah.

Hilarious! I think the prices are absurd, too. I know I couldn’t see her from the nosebleeds without binoculars. That’s fact. And I couldn’t see paying $300 for that experience. I couldn’t see paying $800 to see her up close. I will just watch the video on repeat. LOL.

Ericccccc, I’m in stitches ! You totally nailed this, great writer and absolutely hilarious. While I would love to support my fello Virgo, I will not! I refuse to use my tax refund bawaaaaaahhh! Thank you for the laughs and God Bless

Of all the Bey-ThinkPieces this is by far the most hilarious & funniest because it is so damn true. Not even cheddar-bey adjacent, the seats for me would have to be in Angela Davis’ afro while she sat on Black Jesus’ lap! My favorite part was the Diana Ross concert in the rain! I HOWLED at that inclusion….

Ugh I’ve been there, trying to show my wrinkles and doorknocker-earring stretched earlobes to Ticketmaster so they’d lower the cost of tix for The Cure – I’m OG ’80s goth, please! Never works. Crossing my fingers that you get your seats. And coming back to read more of your stuff – loved this.

You, my friend, are hilarious. I’ve text 10 friends this morning telling to stop what they’re doing to read this. They say laugher is the best medicine. This was my pill today. Lawd, this was just great. Hope you made it your local public library.

Omg!!! This was hilarious!!!! Had me dying till the end! I have been to every Beyonce concert since she was in Destiny’s Child, but now that I have a husband and a daughter I got bills to pay and I can’t be spending that kinda money on a concert that will last a couple of hours! Shit when you brought up your bed made me realize, that is so true! I sleep on this damn bed everyday and I didn’t cost me a ridiculous price! The prices are actually the same as it has been but the situation I’m living now is completely different and my priorities have changed. Ugh growing up! Hahah!

Unbelievable that people would pay the price of a mortgage payment and then some just to see an artist perform live. And those same people will be behind in most major bills. Makes me wonder about folks priorities sometimes and the goals of the famous and celebrities. Does it really have to cost that much (same for sporting events) Sad that in spite of the ridiculous prices (and complaints) she will still sell out and make a mint……and I know to each his own, so don’t bother telling me if that’s how I feel then don’t pay the price….As much as I like Ms. Bey I will not. (for her or other overpriced events) #justmyopinion.