Why Did My Ex Girlfriend Text Me Out of the Blue?

Well, she might give you reasons for reaching out, but I’d highly doubt that they are 100% the truth. She might say that she simply wants to remain friends or keep in touch. Both of which are understandable since the two of you most likely established at least an iota of a bond while you were together. Trying to hold onto that connection is a normal reaction right after a fresh breakup.

She may even say that she is worried about you and your well-being.

But still, it usually comes back to keeping that connection alive.Don’t worry. Half the time, us girls don’t even know why we do the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t reasons even if they aren’t clear to her.So, since it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to tell you what those reasons are, it’s up to you to examine the situation, set aside what you want, and reach your own conclusion based on what you know of her.

Don’t worry. Half the time, us girls don’t even know why we do the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t reasons even if they aren’t clear to her.So, since it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to tell you what those reasons are, it’s up to you to examine the situation, set aside what you want, and reach your own conclusion based on what you know of her.

Now, I know that you have probably thought of at least one or two of these possibilities. My, goal here isn’t to tell you what your girlfriend is thinking or what she wants. The goal I’m hoping to achieve is to help you see some of the other possibilities and based on what you know of your ex we can make assumptions with an open mind.

If you’re alright with that then let’s proceed.

Reasons Your Girlfriend Might Not Even Know She Has

Reason #1: You’re Like a Bad Habit

Like I said before you build a connection when you are in a relationship.

So, I’m guessing you two texted quite a bit while you were together, possibly hundreds of times a day. So, it’s not unlikely that when something worth telling someone about happens she might be compelled to reach out to you as a knee-jerk response. It could be something good that happened. It could be something bad.

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Whatever it is, she’s used to being able to reach out to you and it is kind of like when you hear a fly and your automatic reaction is to wave your hand around in the air even if the fly is nowhere near you.

Reason #2: She Needs Reassurance

Whether she broke up with you or you broke up with her, she needs to know that you don’t hate her. This is why she’s testing the waters to see if you’ll still talk to her.

Reason #3: She Needs Her Ego Fed

It’s not that she wants to be with you. She just finds comfort in knowing that she still has power over you. Generally, this happens in very specific circumstances. The first would be if jumped into a relationship right after yours and it didn’t work out the way she had planned. The second would be if something wounded her ego. The last would be if she has always had a low self-esteem and she is manipulating you into being her safety net till she meets someone else. This one would be fairly obvious because the dependent behavior would show up in other areas of her life.

Reason #4: Animal Instincts

You know what this one means, carnal pleasures. Women need love too, you know. And they are just as capable of using someone for sex as a man. This is for te same reasons as feeding her ego, but it revolves around physical reassurance. She needs to know, not only that she still has power over you, but that she is still desirable. It doesn’t hurt that she gets to have a little carnal fun while she’s getting reassured. This could be an attempt to recreate the connection you had on the level that you had it by re-establishing a physical connection.

Reason #5: She Wants You to See

Chances are she’s doing fairly decent since you guys broke up. whether she still has feelings for you or not, she will want you to know that she’s doing fine without you. Why? Well, if she still wants you, then it’s because she wants you to see how good she’s doing and want her back. Or if she happens to be perfectly happy, she could just want you to see what you let walk away, kind of like a punishment.

Reason #6: She’s Being Nosey

This one is sort of the opposite of the one before it. She’s checking to see how things are going in your world because she either regrets the breakup and thinks she might have made a mistake.

Reason #7: Because You Respond

This one kind of goes right along with reaching out habitually. Once you’ve gotten used to texting someone for every little thing, you start to text them for absolutely nothing. Sometimes when you’re lonely or bored, you reach out to things that are comforting. Knowing that someone you once found comfort in is going to be there is something we try to hold onto when we don’t feel like we have control over anything else.

Reason #8: Things Haven’t Gone to Plan

Maybe she left you for someone else. Maybe she thought you were keeping here from accomplishing something. But now she’s realized that it wasn’t you that was the issue. In fact, she’s probably still trying to find out what the issue is. But whatever it is, she just wants to know that she has the option not to chase her dreams alone, even if she isn’t sure how she’s going to achieve them.

Reason #8: She was Drunk

We’ve all been there.

We’ve had a few drinks and you suddenly realize that you’re going home to an empty house. Suddenly, you start to remember all the times that you were happy. For me, it used to be this one trip to visit a friend down at the beach. The Sunday before we were supposed to come back I woke up to the sound of rain.

I didn’t even open my eyes, but I felt my ex’s arm around me pulling me closer. His nose pressed into my hair and I could feel his breath on my neck as he hummed “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5. It’s cheesy I know, but for quite a while after we went our separate ways, I would remember that fleeting moment every single time I found myself crawling under the covers alone after a grabbing drinks with friends after work.

That was fairly often since I wasn’t to keen on letting people get close to me for a while after our relationship fell apart. First loves have a way of doing that to you. Those memories have the power to make you feel like there is a connection there even if it’s been severed. Alcohol has a tendency to tempt you to reach out as if that connection still exists.

It could be weeks after the split.

It could be years.

One of you will give in to that temptation eventually.

Reason #9: She Received Bad News

This is another one of those situations where that connection comes into play again. In fact, it comes into play in most of them. I’m sure you’ve noticed. But in this case and in the next one, she’s reaching out to you because it’s possible that you are a subconscious representation of a moment when she felt safe. If you stick with me, here in a minute I’ll explain how to respond in this and all of these situations.

Reason #10: She’s Depressed

It’s not uncommon to be a little down after a breakup. But a lot of times when people are down they’ll reach out, like I mentioned before, to people in their past that were around when they felt safe or comfortable. Generally, this is more of an effort to used you as an anchor, something to keep her connected to that moment of safety.

Reason #11: She Wants You to Fight For Her

This is the one you are probably hoping for, where she knows she wants you back and she’s giving you that opportunity by reaching out. It’s also much rarer than you’d suspect.

Reason #12: She’s Considering Getting Back Together

She’s not sure what she wants and she’s looking to see where you stand before hse makes a leap.

Reason #13: You’re Getting Married

Whether you announced it publicly or she heard it through the grapevine, exes know things. You don’t just stop caring about people just because you go your separate ways easily. As I said before, that connection you built stays even if you cut contact. She will eventually find a way to see how things are going for you.

Whether her reasoning is because she is hoping your miserable without her or if she actually wants you to be happy simply because she cares. Either way, she will troll your social media and casually mention you to mutual friends and relatives until she finds out. So if you have recently made a big leap like starting a new relationship, getting engaged, or getting married, she WILL find out.

She might have fought the urge to reach out at first, but if she reached out to you after you made a big change like this then reaching out is an attempt to reestablish a connection. It’s like when a kid had a toy and put it down, they certainly notice when someone picks it up. Even if she’s not aware of it, she’s reminding you that she had you first.

Reason #14: She’s Getting Married

She’s made a major decision and it’s occurred to her that you might not know.

Even though we both know that you’ve been checking her social media and casually mentioning her to mutual friends and family. That’s normal. But if she just made a major life decision, she could just want to know if you still care, but she could also be wondering if she’s making a mistake.

In any situation, most men who want their ex back jump to that last conclusion without ever taking any of the other possibilities into account when they get a text from their ex.

Two Things Are For Sure

If you were hoping to reconcile then these two things are guaranteed in almost all of the cases above, except in the case of marriages, engagements, and depression, texts are most definitely a good sign. However, the second thing that is for certain is that it doesn’t always mean you will reconcile. It all depends on if you respond appropriately.

Now, for some of you who have read other articles I’ve written, you know that I’m all about personal development. I read books all the time. One of my favorite books about getting organized is by David Allen. I know you’re probably thinking “favorite book about getting organized?”

I know. It sounds bananas. I used to be a personal and executive assistant. It was my job to know how to deal with any situation that came up. I jokingly called myself a Professional Creative Problem Solver. This means I teach myself all sorts of things regularly. If something breaks, I learn how to fix it. So, when my boss sat me down and asked me to combine his, his wife’s, and their company’s file system, I read everything I could on filing systems. David Allen’s book has this section about a state of mind referred to repetitively in Japanese martial arts, Mind Like Water.”

“Mind Like Water” is where you harness the ability to control your thoughts in such a way that you respond appropriately to every situation that arises by taking into account all of the factors in play.

Have you ever thrown a rock into a lake?

A little rock responds with little ripples.

A big rock responds with big ripples.

And after it responds, it goes back to being calm as it was before.

No matter what you decide to do, follow our program or not, you need to take into account every single factor. This means, who she was when you first met her, who both of you became during your relationship, and who she was during your breakup.

Now, when you consider all of the possibilities, whether she wants you back or she’s just trying to keep you on the hook for that feeling of comfort, you can respond appropriately and then return to calm and determine how to proceed.

That moment right after you receive that text you stare at the screen and fight the urge to respond immediately. You feel like your heart is going to beat right out of your chest and you can’t make heads or tails of your thoughts because it feels like they’re going in every direction. I know. I’ve been there.

In my opinion, and consequently what we advise in our recovery program, No Contact is your best bet in getting your ex back in almost every situation.

Now, the likeliness of you getting her back is lower in situations like #15. But, that doesn’t mean impossible. We’ve seen people come back in light of some very daunting circumstances, so if you want her back, my suggestion is that you take some time to make it through a period of No Contact, and then set yourself up for success by following the guidelines laid out for you in Recovery Pro.

So, What Now?

My entire goal here in writing all of this was to get you to look at the entire situation, instead of seeing what you think will get you what you want. You see, so often when we want something enough, we block out anything that seems to be keeping us from it, kind of like selective hearing. But I’ll tell you right now, there is nothing more harmful to your cause than taking this approach. By considering all of the options, you set yourself up to respond appropriately, like water.

What Do You Think? (29)

Michael

July 6, 2017

Me and my ex have been broken up for a good 2 years. Spoke back and for throughout that time, implementing no strategy and letting emotion have a go at the wheel.. I’m sure you guys can more than imagine. After almost the first year of not talking she messages me with details about a lab assignment for college and said it was an accident, I guess her lab partner is named Mike too. Exchange small talk and she sounded both supportive and interested in what i’ve been doing career wise. She’d leave these gargantuan texts that take up the whole screen..then the next day it dwindles down to pretty much talking to a wall. texts go from minutes to hours upon hours. Figured I should just cut the BS and ask her if she’d wanna come to a get together at a friends party. She said she would be down to go but she had a family get together over the weekend, thing is i never mentioned the specific day. what do you recommend?

EGR Team Member: Amor

July 6, 2017

you went too fast.. slowly build rapport instead.. initiate again.

Michael

July 7, 2017

after she said she couldn’t make it I told her its all good, family first..etc. Around 10 hours later she replies “Plus I wouldn’t really know anyone there lol” and kind of just left it at that..been a little over 2 weeks now, would initiating again really be the best option? I really appreciate the help btw, this site is absolutely splendid. keep up the good work!

EGR Team Member: Amor

July 14, 2017

If you want to extend for another week, that’s ok

Mel

May 14, 2017

Also forgot to mention that it’s been a month and three days since the last time I texted her (April 9th) about what kind of car to get. Gave an honest opinion then never texted nor went on Facebook. I posted a video from an edm show I was at, but didn’t do it to get a response. I’m just confused. I’m glad she’s doing ok but I just didn’t a text from her.

When she told me she had gotten a car, she was excited as hell. I responded with congrats and asked what color. She responded right away and we went back and forth for a bit. I ended the convo by saying “Enjoy the road”. I thought it was done and over with but then two hours later I get another text from saying, haha yeah.

EGR Team Member: Amor

because that’s human nature, we want what we don’t have.. when you’re moving on, truly trying to moving on, you’re becoming someone she doesn’t have.. and to keep you hooked, she initiates a message..

Mel

May 16, 2017

Well I’ll keep moving forwards but I just wonder if she has some feelings for me or she’s just trying to get me to text her again.

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 20, 2017

it would be safer to say she doesn’t and she’s just keeping you hooked because if she did, then she would have shown more than that

Mel

May 14, 2017

So I broke up with my ex about six months ago, after a while I started to miss her a lot so I went to her place about three months after the breakup and simply ask for a second chance. She said not right now which to me meant never again. A month later I texted (Facebook messenger) about a book she had been looking for, she responded right away but didn’t lead anywhere. So I said fuck and never messaged her again. Two days ago she randomly texted me about her getting a promotion and the day after that, she got a new car. I responded by saying congrats on the promotion, and had a bit of a chat on the car but didn’t engage about anything else. So my question is, why, when I was getting over her finally did she text again out of the blue. I’ve been staying away from her as much as possible but she just showed me that she got the things she always wanted. Why won’t she let me move on is my question. I did the whole no contact rule, did I do it wrong, does she want me in her life? I’ve been flirting with other people and now she just jumped back into my life. Wtf?

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 6, 2017

nope..

Alex

May 1, 2017

Hi, I’ve just purchased the EGR Pro pack and started to apply the NC rule. However, it’s only been a week since she broke up with me but she texted me out of the blue saying “I miss you, this is much more difficult than I make out”. On the day of the breakup she said she didn’t want a relationship, she was fed up with it, and that she didn’t want to see me at all for about a month after the break up etc. But she’s been texting me saying she misses me, that she feels alone, etc. She even said she wants to see me this week, but saying “Although it’s probably unhealthy to see you because I want to hug you but can I see you tomorrow?”. Is this a strong sign that she wants to get back? Or is she just longing for some past feelings? (We weren’t living together)

EGR Team Member: Amor

Alex

Hi Amor. Thank you for your response. Should I respond to this at all? Or should I continue with NCR? Will I risk losing her (making her feel ignored, thus want to move on) if I don’t respond?

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 3, 2017

finish nc.. if you answer right away, you’d look like you’re just waiting for her to contact you

Cordell

April 13, 2017

I have t heard from my girlfriend in 2 months. 29 days into my NC and my girlfriend matched me on tinder. This had to be recent as I just created my account and it was an immediate match so I know she swiped first. Why do you think she did that? I was planning on reaching out but now I’m thinking I should delay in case she might reach out first. Any ideas?

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 13, 2017

you can delay it. It’s still the same tactic of taking it slow in building rapport while continuing to improve yourself.

Cordell

April 11, 2017

On Day 29 of a 30 day no contact. I see my ex on tinder…I swipe right….INSTANT MATCH. ( meaning She swiped right first) while I planned to reach out sometime this week, now I’m thinking delaying it a week. First, why would she swipe right, I haven’t heard from her in 2 months. Second, should my post NC strategy change since we matched?

Mark

April 8, 2017

Hi there,

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago…we were in contact mostly by text on and off throughout that time, until she told me she was dating someone else now and to be happy for her and giver her space. So I began the no contact rule starting then. Her birthday was on Day 5 of the no contact period, so of course I did not contact her to wish her a happy birthday. On Day 8 she texted me the following “Funny how you didn’t even say happy birthday”, I didn’t reply to that text bc of the no contact rule. Today is Day 13 of the NC period. My question is around the psychology of the text she sent and what she might be feeling? I mean, she asked me to give her space and said she moved on to dating someone else that makes her happy, so why would she send me that text?

EGR Team Member: Amor

can be to see if you would react and to know to if you’re social media stalking her.

Mark

April 10, 2017

Hi there, I think your response was to my other question in a different section. Can you address this one as well please?

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 11, 2017

it just proves she expects you to chase her..it supports her other actions..she’s getting curious on why you’re not talking to her

Mark

April 26, 2017

Hi there. Today is Day 29 of the NC rule for me, and I just received a text from my ex. It was in response to a social media post I made on Day 27 (going to a spin class). She wanted me to go to one when we were dating and I never did. Anyway, her text was “Did you actually go to spin?”. Was wondering how to proceed. Since tomorrow is Day 30, do I break the no contact by just replying to that answering “I did” or something like that, or am I better to wait a few days and use the original types of messages recommended when initiating contact after completing the NC Rule?

Mark

April 26, 2017

Update: I replied today (Day 30) after 14 hours with “I did! How’ve you been”. She replied instantly with 2 texts “That’s great. I’m happy you went. Sad you never wanted to go with me but glad you went” then “I’m good. How you doing?”

Was wondering how to proceed (timing and message type) given I didn’t need to send out the initial text to break the NC rule.

EGR Team Member: Amor

Mark

May 17, 2017

Used tide theory for 10 days building slowly, then she started bringing up the past relationship in some texts, saying things like she’s angry I’m doing things I am now to improve myself proving how little I cared about her before, she was hurt and frustrated, glad I’m getting my stuff together now that it’s not with her. Answered nicely and changed to a more positive subject. After that text convo ended. she initiated later “why didn’t you do anything to fix things when we were together”, and saying I guess it was bc we just weren’t right together and I didn’t think she was worth it. Convo turned positive after that and I suggested we meet up for a drink sometime soon. Said she was busy for the weekend, I replied no worries and she replied saying also I think I may just cry. Joked around with her a bit until she was positive and then ended convo saying have a nice weekend. She then said she’d be up to have a drink next week. She re-initiated again later in a positive tone. Then again late at night saying since it doesn’t matter can I tell her the truth if I cheated on her or not, told her no and then we said goodnight. That was 10 days ago on Friday. I texted her again the following Monday and she initiated text Tuesday where we transitioned to phone Tuesday night. Had her call me – talked for 45 mins. She brought up old relationship again, I replied nicely and changed to more positive subjects. After the call she texted me saying it’s hard to believe I’m making the effort to improve now and that its hard not to feel a bit hurt bc I’m doing it now that she’s not around anymore. Said she’s happy for me though and hopes it will lead to great things. Another good text convo Wednesday and Thursday I tried to call her again as per the ex pro guide, she didn’t answer but called back 5 mins later, saying if you’re just calling to chat I’m too busy with work now (she works from home). Got a text from her Friday morning in response to my IG post – pic of me doing a martial arts class and then food pics from a restaurant we used to go to. Her text said kinda creepy that you’re doing all the same things with your new gf, just saying. I guess she assumed bc there was a partial view of a white iPhone on the table in the pic. I replied…girlfriend? and she said well you’re doing all the things I wanted with someone. I asked if everything was okay with her bc she sounded stressed when I talked to her briefly Thursday and she said she was fine was just some work related stress. Sunday I sent her a few of my fav pics of her dog saying Happy birthday, (dogs birthday), loves her dog more than anything. She replied…she says thanks 🙂 Sent me a pic of her dog a few hours later and I replied “cute”. Texted Monday night and asked if she had a great birthday, reply was…Hey. She did! Asked her how the food was at the game she went to on the weekend and got a reply this morning saying haha, it was delish (think she was prob at her current bf’s house until this morning). Anyhow, I did’t set up the meet for drinks last week as I was trying to build the phone rapport as per expro first. Not sure what to do now? I feel like the convo’s were good and was getting good response times etc. before and now lately it seems hard to get a convo going and she’s not responding quickly at all. She obviously had some negative emotions she experienced from her questions/comments, which I tried to change to more positive emotions. Best to do a bit of NC again or should I ask her when she’s free for that drink? Would love your thoughts on how to proceed from here. Thanks!

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 22, 2017

you’re doing great..you’re handling her negative texts and bringing back the conversation to being positive and you didn’t stop your activities.. It looks like you know how to keep her hooked.. just remember the times that it’s not suitable to talk to her and her being emotional is a good sign because that means she wants to do those things with you and be with the new you..you just have to be consistent so that it doesn’t look like you changed because of the break up but because you really changed.. no matter what her worries are now, she would want to experience being with the new you later on.. just keep doing what you doing now.. have good conversations on this days and then go back to activities on other days

Jim

April 6, 2017

Hello I wanted to ask about my case since I think it’s kinda complicated .me and my ex mutually broke up like 2.5 weeks before .now to speak the truth we were talking about it 6 months (we were 1.5 year together ).our relationship had a pile of problems ,like mostly depressing stuff.she had mental issues that couldn’t help at all our relationship and she was so jealous about my ex cause ppl around me used to use their names (like parents …. ).so we had not really the best time as those events happened but when we were together it was really nice and we had fun . I think she loved me as much as she said even tho her ego was kinda too big . So I gave her space cause she said many times that I’m hurting her and she thought I’m going away . Anyway we broke up for her ,but I didn’t want to .I tried convincing her after a bit but that didn’t change anything .so after 2 week of no contact she sent me a text of hate , of how I was a waste of time of she would never do the same mistake again .she is with a new guy that once she talked me about ,talking to him to go away from me .but I guess that worked ,now they are together .she told me she is happy now she learned what life is about . I went to her and said with a smile you are not hating me but you miss me . Things went ok for a while she even.called me after to ask me where I was at that time ,cause I told her a lie of being nearby . And then.hate came again and that’s it .I can’t understand a thing .I think she is in gigs terms , that guy also has some of my qualities . What am I doing now ? 🙁