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Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:30:43 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1221
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=== 1221 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1221
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:30:29 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1221
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1216 59 votes 4ado8 6km74 cik63 65jfe 7in74 35kla 6ahi8 4cqd4 5fid8 4a8ji
1216 3.1 mean 3.4 2.7 2.5 3.4 2.7 3.5 3.2 3.0 3.1 3.6
--- 1221-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> oh great and mighty oracle, whose toe cheese is finer in quality than
> the finest swiss,
>
> what is your honest opinion of my poem?
>
> ]Coy Intentions...
> ]
> ]So this is what you choose
> ]A life of misery and hate
> ]
> ]That's what you want
> ]Pain in abundance
> ]
> ]It's all you're getting
> ]The binding sins of life
> ]
> ]It's all you'll ever need
> ]An endless void in the heart
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmm? What was that? I'm sorry, I kind of zoned out there, just past
} the grovel. You know, I had never realized how delicious this toe
} cheese really is! [smacking lips] Mmm-mmm! And it really washes
} down well with this sweat wine. Such a delicate bouquet, too. Have
} to let it breathe, though...
}
} Anyways, where were we...your poem. My personal opinion: it doesn't
} rhyme very well. If I may make a few subtle changes:
}
} Coy Intentions
} by
} Excellently Grovelling Supplicant
}
} Roses are red,
} Violets are blue,
} My toe cheese is yummy,
} Now pass me a brew!
}
} I think that pretty much nails it on the head, don't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some great-tasting navel lint.
--- 1221-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mighty Oracle, you amaze even Pedro Martinez with your pitching
> prowess. Not even Bill Buckner could shag a ground ball like you.
> What are the chances of the Red Sox winning a world series this year?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Zadoc? Zadoc! HOI, ZADOC!"
}
} "Yes, my master, my most esteemed one, my highest upon high, my --"
}
} "Quiet, fool. You're a 'merkin, are you not?"
}
} "Indeed, oh he who would ask silly questions to which he already knows
} the answer, as he is wise in all things, he who could spot a native
} from across the world itself --"
}
} "Shush. Take a look at this. This supplicant here says that I have
} great pitching ability. What does that mean?"
}
} "Surely you know, he who hides his wisdom and divinity so as not to
} make the poor and undeserving feel like pittance when placed next to
} him. For are you not --"
}
} "Humour me."
}
} "Erm, well, pitching, was it? It must refer to, er, how quickly you
} pitch a, um, tent. Yes! A tent, your worship, your holiness, he who
} could hold a tent up with but his --"
}
} "That's enough of that, Zadoc. And this ... this 'shagging' of a
} ground ball? I'm assuming that this is some sort of ludicrous
} American turn of phrase?"
}
} "Oh, indeed, your honour, your wonderfulness, your --"
}
} "And what does it mean, exactly?"
}
} "Uh, a ground ball is, er, another word for a, um, woman. Naturally,
} your grace, you are the pinnacle of perfection when it comes to
} shagging every form and countenance of all that the female sex has to
} offer. You, oh great and mighty one, are unequaled in both the
} wisdoms and ways of the world as well as the styles and techniques of
} the bedroom. Many a night --"
}
} "Yes, yes, I've heard that all before. So these people mentioned here
} .. they must be heroes of their age, then? Folks who have exceeded
} in these particular venues, and thus have achieved almost legendary
} status?"
}
} "But of course, for who could dare question the wit and wisdom of the
} all-powerful Oracle?"
}
} "Indeed. Hmm. So this 'world series' must be some sort of contest
} held in a world forum where people get together, pitch some tents, and
} have sex until there's only one man standing. Doesn't seem like a
} gentleman's sport, does it?"
}
} "Erm..."
}
} "And these 'Red Sox' must be a team who keep their socks on while
} shagging as some sort of gesture of freedom and democracy and all that
} sort of merkin rubbish. Well, they have as good a chance as the
} completely naked folks, I suppose. Zadoc, I am ready to respond."
}
} "Yes, your verisimilitude. How should I word the response?"
}
} "Like this:"
}
} } The Red Sox seem in prime condition, and look as if they could take
} } the world series by storm. Be cautious, however, and don't let your
} } girlfriend catch you watching. She may not understand how important
} } this sport is to you and yours.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a videotape of the whole thing.
}
} "Master?"
}
} "Yes?"
}
} "I don't suppose -- I mean, I'm only asking -- that when the tribute
} comes in, could I, er, I mean..."
}
} "Yes. But once it goes in that room, I don't want to so much as touch
} it. Understood?"
}
} "Oh THANK you, most high, most gratuitous, most --"
}
} "Yeah, yeah. Now get lost. I have work to do."
--- 1221-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Are you reachable by email?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Now listen, Judy, for the very last time. Our relation is ended, we
} can't speak to each other any longer. Lisa has found out about you.
--- 1221-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is everybody always picking on me
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're a nose for crying out loud.
--- 1221-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Well, now you've done it. I've been Zotted by you so many times now
> that I'm addicted to it.
>
> So, here I am for my daily dose. Let me have it!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hey, no problem, man, I just need $100 cash up front.
} Now that you're hooked, that's how it works from here on out.
--- 1221-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Noble Oracle; truly dignity and grace are as conspicuous upon your
> eyes as in the eyes of kings that deal justice.
>
> Why can't I work at night?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because you fall asleep.
}
} Are your eyes bloodshot? Are the bags under your eyes darker than
} Tammy Faye Baker's mascara? Have you slept in the last 36 hours? Do
} your hands shake uncontrollably? Can you complete an entire sentance
} without stuttering? Do you have a headache? Are your eyes burning?
} Can you stand without assistance?
}
} If you answered no to any of the above questions you obviously aren't
} consuming enough caffeine. Immediately consume 1/4 pound of chocolate
} covered expresso beans, washing them down with 5-10 cups of black
} coffee (Pepto-Bismal is optional), and recite the following mantra:
}
} "It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans
} of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the
} shaking becomes a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in
} motion."
}
} You owe the Oracle some Valium.
--- 1221-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> The Grand Oracle is too far north for me, all hail the Oracle
> deliverer from any evil or calamity from our own misshapen thoughts.
> Orrie is more grand than the Parliament of Bats.
>
> Should we take the shortcut through The Cave?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oracle: WonderPriest! Hurray, to the Bat Cave!!!
}
} (Screen spins while music in background plays very fast arpeggios)
}
} Zadok: Look, master. The supplicants... They're trying to enter the
} Bat Cave!
}
} O: Exactly as I feared, WonderPriest. What we need is time to think.
} Take out your OmniscientScope and point it at the supplicants. What do
} you see?
}
} Z: Grumbling Grovels OrrieMan! Those aren't supplicants, they're
} WOODCHUCKS!
}
} O: Correct, WonderPriest. They must have been sent here from
} Punxsatawney by my archenemy, the evil Dr. Gopher.
}
} Z: I bet they're up to no good, OrrieMan. Probably some fiendish plot
} to capture the Bat Cave in a dasterdly attempt to take over the world.
}
} O: No doubt your right, WonderPriest. You stand on the left side of
} the door while I'll take the right side. When the woodchucks enter,
} make sure you hit them with you OmniscientRay. Got it?
}
} Z: Right, OrrieMan. We'll show them a thing or two!
}
} (Enter woodchucks through door. General melee ensues with bad sixties
} music playing in the backround.)
}
} *POFF!*
}
} *BAMF!*
}
} *GORMPH!*
}
} (Fade to next scene where OrrieMan and WonderPriest are tied together
} using a thick piece of rope suspended over a kettle of boiling acid)
}
} Head Woodchuck: We've got you now, OrrieMan, and this time there's no
} escape. Soon, Dr. Gopher will rule the world!
}
} Z: In your dreams, you dirty rodent! Wait till we get out of here,
} we'll show you!
}
} O: (In hushed tone) Quite WonderPriest, it's time to use your head, not
} your mouth.
}
} HW: You're not going anywhere, boy know-it-all! Say Goodbye...
} OrrieMan!!!!
}
} (Head woodchuck release electric winch which begins to lower our heroes
} into the acid)
}
} Z: OrrieMan! What do we do now?!
}
} O: I need you to press the ZotButton on my OmniscientBelt when I give
} you the word. I'm going to aim for the winch on the wall. We'll have
} to hit it, or we're doomed. Press it... NOW!
}
} (A powerful flash ensues, destroying the winch mechanism and blinding
} the woodchucks in one master stroke. OrrieMan and WonderPriest release
} themselves from bondage. Fade to next scene where woodchucks are in
} handcuffs escorted by policemen.)
}
} Z: You're not so cocky now that Supplicant City's finest have you in
} custody, are you Mr. Woodchuck?!
}
} HW: No worry. Dr Gopher will get us out of the klink quicker than
} heads turn whenever Lisa bends over. Wait and see.
}
} Z: Why you...
}
} O: Let it go, WonderPriest. We'll have to catch Dr. Gopher some other
} day. Supplicant city is safe, for now... Take 'em away boys!
}
} (Screen spins to black with rapid arpeggios playing in background.)
}
} You owe the Oracle Adam West's autograph and a promise to slap Michael
} Keaton for ruining a good thing.
--- 1221-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Your turn.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Orrie:
}
} X | |
} -----------
} | |
} -----------
} | O |
}
} Commentary: An unorthodox counter by The Oracle playing, as
} always, "O".
}
} Supplicant:
}
} X | X |
} -----------
} | |
} -----------
} | O |
}
} Commentary: A rather straight forward, but counter-
} intuitive counter move by the supplicant.
}
} Orrie: +1
}
} X | X | Y
} -----------
} | |
} -----------
} | O |
}
} Commentary: Orrie scores with a chromosome reference!
}
} Supplicant:
}
} X | X | Y
} -----------
} | |
} -----------
} S | O |
}
} Commentary: Clearly shaken by The Oracle's last move
} the supplicant lashes out blindly.
}
} Orrie: +1
}
} X | X | Y
} -----------
} E | |
} -----------
} S | O |
}
} Commentary: Oracle scores with a reverse vertical, that
} cleverly alludes to his first point.
}
} Supplicant: +1
}
} X | X | Y
} -----------
} E | |
} -----------
} S | O | S
}
} Commentary: Hello Freud, the supplicant telegraphs his
} state of mind.
}
} Orrie: +2
}
} X | X | Y
} -----------
} E | E |
} -----------
} S | O | S
}
} Commentary: A double for Orrie! And talk about one track, but
} the crowd loves it and goes wild. Judges rule XEO
} too obscure, Oracle shrugs it off.
}
} Supplicant: +1
}
} X | X | Y
} -----------
} E | E | E
} -----------
} S | O | S
}
} Commentary: Judges ruled 'Triple E' as inadmissible, despite
} the supplicant's spirited arguments that it is
} 'a shoe size joke that alludes to the size of
} one's feet and the relation of same to one's
} meat'.
}
} Oracle wins: 4 to 2
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of 'The Glass Bead Game'.
--- 1221-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle so smart that he knows why Superman wears his underpants
> outside of his trousers, tell me:
>
> Can George W Bush *really* speak Spanish?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh supplicant of little faith..
}
} Who do you think taught the Bush twins how to say "Margarita"?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Sauza Gold Tequila
--- 1221-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Sid Dabster
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> [...a plain cursor blinks at you...]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You have some medium wounds.
}
} > west
}
} A large directory blocks your way.
} The plain cursor misses you.
}
} > hit cursor
}
} You move towards the cursor, but it is displaced by a keypress.
} The plain cursor hits you with a hard blink.
} You are critically wounded.
}
} > inv
}
} You have:
} addch()
} attrset()
} curs_set()
} echo()
} initscr()
} refresh()
}
} > refresh()
}
} SYNTAX ERROR
}
} > refresh();
}
} You feel better.
} The plain cursor hits you with the speed of a carriage return.
} You are slightly wounded.
}
} > addch('d');
}
} You summon a d.
} The d displaces the plain cursor.
} The plain cursor backspaces over the d.
} The d has been killed.
} There is now a d corpse on the ground.
}
} > eat d corpse
}
} What, are you stupid?
}
} > flee
}
} You try to escape north, but the plain cursor move()s in front of you.
} The plain cursor blinks at you.
} You have, like, 1 hit point left, man!
}
} > curs_set(0);
}
} Capability not supported by terminal.
} The plain cursor hits you with a bold blink.
} You are dead.
} Would you like to try again? [Y] _