Thursday, January 29, 2009

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.Hines Ward sat out Wednesday's practice nursing his injured right knee. We were able to catch up with his knee afterward. How it was able to talk is nothing short of a miracle.The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Hines Ward's knee.Knee: No problem. It's great to be here.

TBP: You are attached to Hines Ward? Do you often face the similar questions about your ethnicity?Knee: No. I'm just a knee.

TBP: How often do you smile?Knee: Since I don't have a mouth, I've never smiled.

TBP: It must be hard to breathe with that brace on.Knee: I can't breathe anyway.

TBP: Do you sometimes pretend you have an eye when you're in the locker-room shower?Knee: Sometimes.TBP: So you could be face to face with Willie's willy?Knee: No.

TBP: When you get injected with cortisone, do you take it personally and lay in bed thinking how you could brutally murder the doctor?Knee: No.

TBP: When Hines is on his knees doing...ya know...um, do you, ugh, touch yourself?Knee: That wouldn't be biologically possible.

TBP: When people talk about "knee-jerk" reactions, do you take offense?Knee: Not really.

TBP: Many of the linemen have bad knees, too. Do you guys get high together?Knee: No.TBP: What about with Santonio Holmes?Knee: Sometimes.

TBP: OK, a quick round of "would you rather..."Knee: All right.

TBP: Would you rather tear your ACL or MCL.Knee: ACL.

TBP: Would you rather share a hot tub with Jeff Reed or James Farrior?Knee: Reed. Farrior might call me a fag.TBP: Don't elaborate.Knee: Sorry.

TBP: Has Farrior ever called you a fag?Knee: No.

TBP: Has he called Reed that?Knee: I don't know.

TBP: Would you rather watch Titanic or The Reader?Knee: Oooh, ugh, do I need to answer?TBP: No.

TBP: Would you rather do Kate Winslet the woman or Kate Winslet the man?Knee: The woman, I guess.

TBP: Do you see the resemblance between Winslet and Philip Seymour Hoffman?Knee: No.

TBP: Are you envious of Hines' healthy left knee?Knee: It's a love-hate relationship.

TBP: We once saw a porno that had the slogan: "Bringing the Oval Office to its knees." Does that saying give knees a bad name?Knee: Sort of.

TBP: Someone once joked that Joe Buck had Down syndrome. Do you agree?Knee: That isn't very funny.

It's a true Super Bowl Week miracle. The New York Giants Super Bowl rings were lost, and now they are found. Everyone rejoice!

LYNN, Mass. (AP)—Authorities say they have found 27 New York Giants Super Bowl rings, valued at more than $170,000, stolen last June from a Massachusetts jewelry manufacturer. The Essex District Attorney’s office said investigators found the rings Tuesday in a bank safe deposit box in Saugus.

Really, really great news. Don't know if the world would have been able to go on. But the timeliness is a blessing. Just in time for this year's big game! People will be able to breath a little easier Sunday.

As for the culprits, well, they should probably hang, right? Or be tarred and feathered? If the Grinch was behind this...

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.Today Celine Dion will bring her Taking Chances Tour to the St. Pete Times forum. No one is really sure why.The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Celine.Dion: It's a pleasure to be here.

TBP: You're Canadian.Dion: Yes, I was born in Quebec.TBP: Is that why you're so fucking weird?Dion: No.

TBP: Your music has a polarizing effect in the States. How often do people tell you to fuck off?Dion: No one has ever said that.

TBP: Was the day the Nordiques moved to Colorado the worst day of your life?Dion: No.

TBP: What about the day someone told you to fuck off?Dion: No one has ever said that.

TBP: You've sold more records than any other woman in the history of music. How did that happen?Dion: I've been blessed with a talent that people are attracted...TBP: No, really, how did that possibly happen?

TBP: You're song "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic won an Oscar. Is Leonardo DiCaprio gay?Dion: No.TBP: Does Kate Winslet do guys?Dion: Um, yes, I think so.TBP: So she's gay, too?

TBP: Who do you think is going to be the Super Bowl MVP?Dion: I'm a big Kurt Warner fan.TBP: Would you fuck him?Dion: No.

TBP: In this picture you look really scary. When was the last time you ate?Dion: Earlier this morning.

TBP: You're worth about $250 million having sold tons of records and having a successful show in Las Vegas.Dion: I'm very fortunate, yes.TBP: Don't you think that proves the theory that people are fucking stupid?Dion: No.

TBP: You were in Vegas for five years. Did you ever try to climb the Luxor?Dion: No.

TBP: You speak French. How often did you shower in the Bellagio fountain?Dion: I never did that.

TBP: Are you envious of musicians who are more praised for their looks than talent?Dion: No.TBP: Really?Dion: Yes.

TBP: What about Beyoncé? Would you do her?Dion: No.

TBP: Mariah Carey is a tricky one.Dion: Yes, her career has been up and down, but she's doing great.TBP: Do you think her tits are real?Dion: I don't know.

TBP: Let's talk football.Dion: OK.TBP: Did you ever nail a hockey player on a football field?Dion: No.

TBP: Are you offended when people call you a filthy canuck?Dion: No one has ever called me that.

TBP: You also won an Oscar for your work on Beauty and the Beast.Dion: That was a great honor.TBP: Have you seen that animated porn where Belle gets drilled by the candlestick?Dion: No.

TBP: Did you watch that show Northern Exposure?Dion: Yes.TBP: Because it took place in Canada, right?Dion: I think it was Alaska.TBP: What's your point?

TBP: Did you know that male pornstar Peter North was Canadian?Dion: No.

TBP: Have you ever fantasized about making love in a field of maple leaves?Dion: No.

TBP: Santa Claus is apparently believed to be Canadian. Is that why you hate Jews?Dion: I don't feel that way.

TBP: We've already stated that you have a lot of money.Dion: I like to think of myself as fortunate.TBP: Whatever. Have you thought about pulling that move from Face/Off so maybe you wouldn't be so ugly?Dion: No.

OK, it's Super Bowl week and there's no news that anybody actually cares about. Luckily, KSK dug up some photos of Steelers kicker Jeff Reed getting hammered with some hookers while looking like a garden gnome on meth. (He's the one in the photo who looks like a garden gnome on meth).

That doesn't really interest us much. More exciting, though, is the photo with what KSK says is injured longsnapper Greg Warren in the Carolina shirt. Totally looks like Adam Banks from The Mighty Ducks, right?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.Monday the Steelers and Cardinals arrived in Tampa! ESPN broke the news that an airplane landed at an airport.Players used camcorders.The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us.Pilot: Sure. Great to be here.

TBP: Are you a member of the Mile High Club?Pilot: No.

TBP: It must be pretty cool flying around the Steelers. Were you worried that Dick LeBeau might die on the flight?Pilot: No.

TBP: What's the most exotic place you've traveled?Pilot: Wow. What a great question. I had a great time in India. New Zealand was also wonderful.TBP: Did you see Slumdog Millionaire?Pilot: Yes, it was a fantast...TBP: That part where the kid jumped in the shit was gross. Have you ever covered yourself in feces?Pilot: No.

TBP: What was New Zealand like?Pilot: The wildlife was incredible, the scenery marvelous and...TBP: Did you see Hugh Jackman or Nicole Kidman?Pilot: No.TBP: Well, they were in that...Pilot: You mean the movie Australia?TBP: Yes.Pilot: New Zealand and Australia are different countries.TBP: I think you're mistaken.

TBP: Would you do Nicole Kidman?Pilot: Maybe.TBP: What about Hugh Jackman?Pilot: No.

TBP: Have you ever pretended to play dead in order to scare a new flight attendant?Pilot: Like in that Family Guy episode?TBP: Yes.Pilot: No.

TBP: Do you ever call the flight attendants stewardesses to piss them off?Pilot: No.

TBP: What about the male flight attendant?Pilot: What about him?TBP: Did James Farrior call him a fag?Pilot: No.

TBP: Did you hear about that plane that crashed in the Hudson?Pilot: I did. That was a courageous effort by the pilot.TBP: Are you jealous?Pilot: No.

TBP: Have you ever crashed in the Allegheny?Pilot: No.TBP: Have you thought about it?Pilot: No.

TBP: Do you watch Lost?Pilot: No.

TBP: Is your favorite movie Cast Away?Pilot: No.

TBP: Did you see that porno where a bunch of girls are stewardesses and then they have lesbo sex and scissor with each other on an airplane.Pilot: I don't think so.TBP: Do you want that to happen to you?Pilot: I'm happily married.

TBP: Did you ever see Alive?Pilot: No.TBP: They like eat each other and shit.

TBP: Does Roethlisberger order booze during the flight?Pilot: I'm not sure.TBP: I bet he does. Does he get a Mojito?Pilot: I don't know.TBP: If he did, do you think Farrior would call him a fag?Pilot: No.

Don't know much about Tampa. Thought of it like a poor man's Miami, with nearly as many old people. But our uneducated opinions of the city are quickly changing with this article:

There are, by one count, 43 strip clubs in the Tampa metropolitan area -- one for each Super Bowl. And the week of Super Bowl XLIII is to Tampa's naughty nightlife what Black Friday is to America's shopping malls.

That's awesome! Why bother with the game?

And why drive? You could call Joey about the party bus that'll tour many of the gentleman's clubs! Make sure to bring cash...ya know, for drinks.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Troy.Troy: Who are you?

TBP: Good, good. We're glad to be here, too. So this is your second Super Bowl. Is it easier to score weed in Tampa or Detroit?Troy: I don't do that.TBP: Is it Detroit? It's gotta be Detroit.

TBP: You're a famous football player.Troy: Yes.TBP: What's the most chicks you've been with at once?Troy: I'm married.TBP: So three?

TBP: We did some background research and discovered you like to grow flowers.Troy: Yes.TBP: How many times has James Farrior called you a fag?Troy: He has never called me that.

TBP: Do you think Roethlisberger's going to have a three-way tonight?Troy: Maybe.

TBP: You went to USC. Rey Maualuga currently goes there. Are you guys brothers?Troy: No.TBP: Are you sure?Troy: Yes.

TBP: James Harrison was named the NFL's Defensive Player of the Year. Have you since farted on his pillow in attempt to give him pink eye?Troy: No.

TBP: So what's the story with Hines Ward?Troy: How do you mean?TBP: You know, what's his deal? Does he smile when he takes a shit?Troy: I've never seen him do that.TBP: Smile?Troy: No, the other thing.TBP: Does he smile when he beats off?Troy: I don't know.

Troy: Aren't you supposed to asking questions about me?TBP: We'll get there...How fast is Santonio Holmes?Troy: He's very fast.TBP: Do you think he could outrun the police?Troy: Maybe.

TBP: Troy seems like an uncommon name for someone of Samoan descent. Did you make up that name?Troy: No.TBP: Don't you think if it was spelled T-R-O-I people would believe you more?Troy: No.

TBP: Ken Whisenhunt used to coach in Pittsburgh. Did he ever eyeball your wife?Troy: I don't think so.

TBP: Which STD does Big Ben have?Troy: He doesn't have one.TBP: Are you sure?Troy: Yes.TBP: C'mon, pick one.Troy: Syphilis.

TBP: So Mike Tomlin's an asshole, right?Troy: No.TBP: Really? He seems like he'd be an asshole.Troy: He's not.

TBP: Did you know that 80 percent of Steelers fans can't read?Troy: No.

TBP: We know a good barber. Will you take his number?Troy: No.TBP: Maybe just a trim?Troy: I like my hair the way it is.

Um, wow! Like super wow! The only thing that was awesomer than that was the time Washington won a lot of games and claimed the National Championship. (That hasn't happened. But if it did, it would be cooler than the play in this video. But not much.)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

I would love to meet Dr. Phil and ask him why he's such a pretentious prick while punching his teeth through the back of his head. But I wouldn't be able to reach because he's on such a high horse.

Dr. Phil is Jerry Springer with a fucking Ph. D. He stirs up unnecessary drama, is a yelling-screaming hypocrite and will do anything for ratings.

Ever listen to him talk? He sounds like he swallowed a family of Texans.

I don't watch Dr. Phil. I've seen him on some talk shows and caught a few minutes of his show from time to time. I've tried to wash those few moments away with a bar of soap.

What a sleaze. He'd bring a struggling couple onto his show -- the hot girl is being neglected by the drug-slinging boyfriend. Oh no! -- and break up the relationship just to bang the girl in the dressing room.

And a hypocrite! He'll yell at that douchebag husband who hits his wife after drinking and gambling and womanizing, yet Phil was accused of physically abusing his first wife and also his staff!

Dr. Phil is a fucking hoax. He'd bring on a fat chick with her unappreciative husband who just cheated on her with her sister. Rather than try to rectify the marriage, he'd try to push his diet plan on her in order to help finish up his new industrial kitchen.

Then again, Dr. Phil, in the same scenario, might make the cheating husband sound like the second coming of Hitler. He, though, was once accused of banging a 19-year-old client. Naturally.

Dr. Phil is just as bad as the trash on his show. The difference? He has a doctorate.

We're regulars in Arizona for Cactus League action in the spring. Have been for years. We have the routine down -- restaurants to go to, ballparks to see and knowledge of the hotspots in the desert.

So when the Dodgers move from Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Fla. to Arizona for Spring Training next month, catching a game at the new stadium is a must because, hey, ballparks are our favorite kind of museum.

After announcing the team's spring-training schedule the Dodgers also announced the top ticket for spring training was $125 for a premium (i.e., weekend) game. Almost 700 seats for every game will be sold at that price.

We opted for the seats in the $40-$50 range. That's about, oh, 30 bucks too much for a game full of minor leaguers anyway. So for $125? Yikes!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

We have a new president today and he's for change. As are we. We're for change. Not just change in terms of stimulus packages, tax breaks, employment opportunities and social programs, but sports change. We're for change in sports.

So today, the day the change in America officially gets underway, we launch The Big Picture for Change in Sports campaign.

Change the NFL overtime rules - We've seen enough coin flips determine the outcome of a game. We've seen an injustice in the sport. The Big Picture for Change in Sports stands for a match overtime system like the one that currently exists on the college level. Incorporate special teams into it and you have a system that promotes justice and equality. The Big Picture for Change in Sports (crowd applauds).

Change the BCS - Enough debate. Enough controversy. Away with the BCS. In with a playoff. The Big Picture for Change in Sports (crowd applauds).

Change the conference tournaments in NCAA basketball - An automatic bid to the NCAA Tournament should not be won in a three or four day span. The Big Picture for Change in Sports stands for a team's body of work. Win the conference in the regular season, win the auto bid. Every season a one-bid mid-major dominates its conference in the regular season only to be upset in the conference tournament championship, losing a chance to participate in the NCAA Tournament. The Big Picture for Change in Sports feels the pain of this team. They have suffered a great injustice. Let the regular season speak for itself. The Big Picture for Change in Sports (crowd applauds).

Change the American League designated hitter position - A Major League Baseball Player should play the field and represent not only his offensive abilities, but his defensive abilities too. The Big Picture for Change in Sports (crowd applauds).

Change the height of the NBA hoop - The average NBA player stands 6-feet-8-inches and can touch the backboard without leaving his feet. Many can dunk the ball through the hoop with only a small hop. The talent of these athletes has exceeded that of those who preceded them. Today's players have mastered the game. The Big Picture for Change in Sports would increase the height of the basket to 11 feet to add a challenge to a game the pros have mastered. The Big Picture for Change in Sports (crowd applauds).

The Big Picture for Change in Sports is also about the people and their beliefs. What would YOU, the FAN, like to see changed in sports? We, as politicians, can only change so much. This is Democracy! We want YOUR voice to matter too.

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!Yesterday's winner: JMC with two goodies: Cards win by odd 32-35 score and Something in the Air(izona), cards win

Monday, January 19, 2009

Brian, AKA The Cavalier who used to run the incredibly wonderful YAYsports!NBA, started up a new blog that may or may not be about airplanes, but probably about baked potatoes. It's called Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes, so I think it might be about airplanes, but probably not, but maybe. Again, maybe potatoes.

Anyway, he asked us three amusing questions that we answered here. Go leave a comment and welcome Brian back to the blogosphere.

Elsewhere, we went to go click some links on our blog Friday to make money for us that we could spend money on drugs, hookers and hookers with drugs. (Please go click those. They're below the top banner ad on the right sidebar. Each click gives us actual money that we spend on drugs and hookers and hookers with drugs.)

But when we go to the URL, The Big Picture is now blocked at Oakland public schools. We think it's because it's classified as a "personal page" and not because we say fuck every three words and often show pictures of women with unnatural bodies. Still, fuck. Now we have to actually work. Bullshit.

If you're blocked at work, too, quit. If you can't read us at work, that job isn't for you.

Just when you thought you could sue for anything, the wife of University of Mississippi coach Andy Kennedy has proved everyone wrong once again.

The former University of Cincinnati coach was arrested in December for assaulting a cab driver and the resulting litigation has been so stressful that it has caused a hiccup in the couple's sex life.

Kennedy’s wife, Kimber, sued that cab driver and a valet driver who backed his claims to police and the media, saying their accusations had harmed the couple's personal relationship, including their sex life. Kennedy, who was in Cincinnati as the head coach for the University of Mississippi, was charged Dec. 18 with misdemeanor assault after police said he punched cabbie Mohamed Jiddou while shouting racial slurs at him after leaving a downtown bar.

The basketball coach sued Jiddou and valet Michael Strother for defamation the day after his arrest. The lawsuit was amended three days later to include his wife, Kimber Kennedy, claiming a lack of consortium because of the accusations against her husband.

First off: a quick word about Kimber Kennedy: MILF.

If this lawsuit is successful for the Kennedys, it will be a breakthrough for humankind. Suing for a lack of sex! WOW!

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

DETROIT -- After news broke that Heisman trophy winner, Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford, would remain at school for his junior season, team officials entered panic mode at Lions headquarters.

"To finish 0-16 and now this...," said Lions General Manager Martin Mayhew from his Allen Park office, "it's like we're being kicked when we're down."

Bradford, who threw for a fuck-ton of yards and touchdowns leading the Sooners to the BCS National Championship game, was projected to be a first-round and likely No. 1 overall pick in April's NFL Draft.

"We'll have to explore other options," Mayhew said. "Anything's possible."

"It's disappointing," added Lions WR Calvin Johnson. "If I have to go through another season with Orlovsky, I'm going to fucking shoot myself."

Many mock drafts have the Lions selecting Georgia hurler Matthew Stafford, who is tall and can throw the ball far. Stafford's accuracy, leadership and inability to win the big game have made some skeptical. But Lions officials seem to love that Stafford can throw the ball far.

"He can throw the ball far," said Mayhew.

On the same day that Bradford decided to return to school, sources said that USC quarterback Mark Sanchez plans to enter the draft.

When asked about the possibility of taking Sanchez with the top pick, Mayhew said, "Maybe."

Tom Lewand was named the Lions' new team president after Detroit parted ways with Matt Millen.

"I love Michael Crabtree," said Lewand of the Texas Tech receiver. "Jeremy Maclin is also special. But I think our focus should probably, maybe be elsewhere."

Many think it would be in the team's best interest to draft an anchor on the offensive line or trade down in the draft to stockpile picks and rebuild organically.

But Mayhew would only confirm the obvious:

"We're fucked," he said. "We felt good about Bradford. Would he have been the right fit? Who knows? Our options certainly looked better last week. A face of the organization is a must. Can that be Stafford? We'll see. If not, there's always 2010."

Maybe Dad isn't going to all the games, helping with homework or paying child support. But, damn, he's sure willing to break the law to help his son get better at sports by giving him the juice.

GILBERTVILLE, Iowa (AP) -- A Mason City man, Todd Gerleman, has been arrested for giving his teenage son anabolic steroids to motivate him about sports.

Authorities say the investigation began after Gerleman's 14-year-old son assaulted his mother at her Gilbertville home on Nov. 19. Officers who responded to the home found a syringe and 105 pills in the boy's bedroom.

See. It's not like steroids have negative side affects such as aggression, liver damage and smaller testicles.

But, hey, thanks Dad. All we ever got was good advice, financial support and loving care.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

1. I don't actually want to kill Jett Travolta.2. I'm a little late in the game.

Seems a little callous, yes? It is. I was going for shock value with the headline. And I'm in a rather surly mood today.

I have no problems with Jett, or John Travolta or anyone else connected to this tragedy for that matter. This is a very sad, unfortunate event that has caused much pain and suffering. Nothing funny about that.

Who I do want to kill with a nine-iron is the media which has paid this story an unnecessary amount of attention. During the week of the 16-year-old's death, this story was all over the papers, tabloids and talk shows. And it was treated as a major story.

And why would anyone think otherwise? This is probably the biggest story in the history of the world. It's not like the struggling economy, fighting in the Middle East and the transition of a new president is important news. Fuck that. The son of a celebrity died! The world has officially stopped!

How many 16-year-olds die a year? Maybe 5,000? Disease, car accidents, etc. Awful. Really fucking awful. But did you hear about the kid who was killed by a drunk driver in Omaha? How about the kid with terminal cancer in Atlanta? The victim of gang violence in Baltimore? NOT A FUCKING MENTION!

Maybe it was the cause of death and Jett's lengthy medical history that garnered the media attention.

Travolta, a notorious Scientologist, might have refused to believe that Jett was autistic, yet believed that aliens were building a Disneyland on Neptune. Celebrities at the funeral included Garth Brooks, Kirstie Alley, E.T., Alf and Spock.

Of course there was a slew of media and paparazzi trying to get photos and news about the funeral. Makes sense. I'm pretty sure it was the only funeral taking place that day.

But when John Travolta's kid dies prematurely, it's like we need a national day of mourning. Well, go fuck yourself for caring. And fuck the media for making you care. If you really want to feel sad, go visit a Children's Hospital or read some police reports. But stay the fuck away from TMZ and People.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

NOW that Madonna isn't as interested in him anymore, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez is playing the famous-faces field. He got hit on in Parrot Cay over New Year's by Donna Karan, and last week he took Kate Hudson (above) out on a date. Our spy says they had a three-hour meal at the Lure Fishbar with friends and were very cozy. Later, A-Rod went with Hudson to the Rose Bar...

Kate Hudson looks good. We'll give her that. But her brain is the size of a peanut. And talk about a typecast actress. "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" wasn't good the first three times, you fucking tease.

-The questions posed were mock questions that would be thrown to a manager at a summer camp.-The names in the answers are real names, whom you won't know. Just go with it. It's funny. -Remember, summer camp. Jewish summer camp. Little kids. Little Jewish kids.

From D.O:

what three words describe you?Right at this moment?... Drunk. High. Crowning.

why should I hire you?Because I'll suck your dick. Just kidding. Because I'll kill you if you don't.

what makes a good counselor?Being a good listener and a proactive problem solver. Like the time Absy Popple told me a kid was picking on him and I told him that maybe he should try not being such a fucking weirdo.

what makes a good manager?Having a good command of when to use a double switch.

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?Chicken or fish. Also this one time two of my campers were stuck in a burning outhouse and there was only time to save one of them, and I had to choose which would live and which would die.

do you work well under pressure?Yes. For example, in the above situation, I was finally able to settle on fish.

From ALS:

what three words describe you?Horny. Hung. Huge-dicked

why should I hire you?‘Cause if you don’t give me this job, I’ll probably spend the summer working at Staples. And you can bet your ass you won’t be getting a friends-and-family discount.

what makes a good counselor?Creativity and imagination come to mind. It takes a real special counselor to decide that using spray-painted cardboard over construction paper is the best way to re-enact Jesus’ crucifixion.

what makes a good manager?Someone who can get the most out of his/her staff and can talk Molly Stewart-Cohn down from her reading tree.

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?Whether to draft Nick Dale or Sam Justi on my team for Maccabia games. Dale was a shoe-in for “fastest camper,” but Justi’s enthusiasm could earn bonus points with the judges. I ended up taking Henry Gozan because Dale and Justi were off the board.

do you work well under pressure?Not really, no. I get pretty stressed and usually take it out on the kids. Physically.

From JMC:

what three words describe you?irresponsible, uninventive, hostile

why should I hire you?because I have a great imagination, I take care of business, and I make the kids feel really warm and safe. Also, my parents gave a lot of money to the temple, so you kind of have to.

what makes a good counselor?if I knew that, I'd probably be a better counselor

what makes a good manager?someone who can motivate their staff to work hard, even if that means using cattle prods and whips

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?whether or not to fuck that goat.

do you work well under pressure?as long as I've had sex recently. even if it's with a goat.

From me:

what three words describe you?lazy, unmotivated, anti-Semitic.

why should I hire you?because if you don't, i might kill myself. that's not blood you want on your hands.

what makes a good counselor?tight jeans, firm ass and great tits.

what makes a good manager?someone who's willing to take a chance. like the time i decided to mix uppers and downers.

what's the hardest decision you've ever made?olde english or steele. see, Ol' E is the shit and is thuggish in an Easy E, Boys N the Hood kind of way. Steele is more like Mickey's in that it's a white-man, private high-school kind of 40. Yet Steele is stronger. So do you gain the street cred with the Ol' E or get the extra buzz from Steele? To this day, I still don't know.

do you work well under pressure?it's weird. i usually get the job done, but somebody usually gets hurt in the process.

You might have heard that Cal beat Washington in triple OT. Oh, it was a good game, you say? Well stick a rake up your ass, you fucking asshole. There was nothing good about that game.

For an objective fan? Great game, right? WRONG! This game sucked for everyone. Even Cal fans should hate this game because Washington fucking lost and the whole world should mourn a UW loss. The people who enjoyed this game are the same people that believe genocide, famine and disease are good things; that Hitler was a motivator; and that "The White Stripes" are a good band.

Here's a perfect rubric on how to piss away a game:

-Regulation: Give up a 10-point lead with 6:04 left by trying to nurse the clock.

-2nd OT: With Huskies leading 77-74, Washington's Justin Dentmon misses the second of two free-throw tries with nine seconds to go. Cal's Patrick Christopher misses a long three-point try, but D.J. Seeley gets the rebound and is fouled by UW's Isaiah Thomas while making the putback with one second left. Seeley hits the free-throw try. Game goes to 3rd OT.

To make matters worse, we followed this game on ESPN.com's GameCast. Didn't see a minute of it. Just saw numbers change on a computer screen. Numbers that made our apartment look like it was hit by a motherfucking tornado.

Yet, this was nothing in the grand scheme of our miserable existence as a sports fan. We've seen horrible collapses like this in much bigger settings -- playoff, World Series and March Madness games. This early-season bullshit doesn't even compare. Imagine us when the games really mattered; two words: Shit. Show.

But we want to hear about the worst games you've had to suffer through as a fan. 'Cause, hey, misery loves company.

If those were four of the worst Divisional games we've seen in a few years, well color us stupid.

OK, we get it:

-Home field don't mean shit-Byes are detrimental-Bird mascots are winners (take a hint LA future expansion team)-Joe Buck should put a bar of soap in his mouth-The refs may or may not have totally fucked up-Blah, blah, blah. There wasn't even enough porn on the Internet to keep us entertained.

Really though, we dropped the Steelers-Bolts game to watch "Pineapple Express" for the second time. And that movie wasn't even very good. It was aight. But not great. Probably better if you're high. Maybe we should watch it high. After the weekend we had, we're thinking about getting into some pretty heavy shit.

Oh. The Arizona Cardinals are hosting the NFC Championship game. WHAT THE FUCK HAS OUR WORLD COME TO?

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Friday, January 09, 2009

Scary news for anyone still -- we jumped ship a few months ago -- in the newspaper industry. Seattle's NBC affiliate, KING 5, reported Thursday that the Seattle P-I, the state's second largest paper behind The Seattle Times, is up for sale and could likely close.

KING/5 reported at 5 p.m. that "a source close to the deal" said The Hearst Corp., owner of the Seattle P-I, would announce as soon as Friday that it's putting the P-I up for sale.

The report, which also appeared on the station's Web site, added, "We're told Hearst does not expect another buyer to step forward and that Seattle will likely become a one-newspaper town within the next few months."

The P-I's sport section is pretty good and those writers could be out of work in the coming weeks. Will they look for a job at The Times? Go online? Start a sports blog?

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Thursday, January 08, 2009

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

Queen Latifah isn't really a queen and she really is a fucking cunt. I hate her the way a man hates his wife.

DON'T FUCKING ASK! Somehow my girlfriend got away with this on the TV and there wasn't a blowjob involved. I am either stupider than Queen Latifah or I pissed off the girlie. Because few are stupider than Queen Latifah, I'll go with the latter.

Now don't get me started on the People's Choice Awards. My faith in people was already low, yet after seeing the results of the People's Choice Awards, I think that a country run by almonds, pistachios and walnuts would function better than ours.

Here were the nominees for Favorite Comedy Movie:

-"27 Dresses"-"Get Smart"-"Mamma Mia!"

If you want to watch three movies that will spark as much laughter as a funeral, watch those. Seriously, if you ever wanted a reason to throw a vacuum cleaner through your TV, turn on one of those three movies.

Yet, "27 Dresses" was your winner! Congrats! You've been recognized as a successful comedy by the dumbest fucking people on Earth.

Back to Latifah. That song UNITY was big like 20 years ago. And you somehow managed to turn that into a lucrative career. And you act? And host shows?! Is this a joke? That's easily more funny than "Get Smart." Did you see "Get Smart?" If there's a script that can make Steve Carell un-funny, that was it.

Of course mathematicians will tell you that's an unsound application of the property, to which we say, bullshit! Harvard wouldn't beat North Carolina, but the Crimson should probably be ranked No. 3 in the country. Or maybe No. 2. Fuck Duke. And fuck you eighth-grade algebra.

Meanwhile, things in the Boston College football department weren't so warm and fuzzy either.

After head coach Jeff Jagodzinksi was told he could not interview for the Jets coaching vacancy, he did anyway and was promptly fired Wednesday.

The Big Lead says its a win-win, while we're still wondering who the fuck Jeff Jagodzinski is. Didn't the Eagles lose five games this year, including a bowl stinker against Vanderbilt? Um, why would any team be interested in this guy? And why would he risk getting fired when nobody in their right mind would want this guy?!

Anyway, Boston College had a shitty day and the rest of the world can smile upon its failure. It's not the Red Sox or Patriots, but any sports failure in the state of Boston is a national victory.

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner: GMoney of The Money Shot with this: Tulsa dominates, Mobile will never be the same.

We did the college football thing during the fall at Playboy U. During that time, we slept with the right people and they asked us to cover NCAA basketball for the college, network, almost-naked site this winter.

So come check us out Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Playboy U. You can see our articles and profile here. (Some of the best posts we do there we'll throw up here, too. Kind of like the Pre-Gaming columns that ran on Fridays the past few months).

You'll need a college email address to get registered on PBU. So take the 90 seconds to get all signed up and then you can see many lingerie-clad college girls, read our shit and increase your jack-off material by 20 percent.

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Yesterday's winner:Bokolis with this gem: Cardinals' stadium turf in good condition after second game in three days.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

How can you make the BCS any worse?Are Verne Lundquist, Mike Patrick and Ron Franklin calling the games?Then you can't.

We've had enough of FOX's coverage of these so-so BCS games that seem to becoming less interesting every year. Not only are the matchups not that enticing, but we have FOX -- which covered zero college football games all year -- sucking the life out of the games with drab announcers, bad camera shots and no passion.

BCS officials can't be pleased with these early returns. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the addition of a fifth BCS bowl can officially be declared an abject failure.

Seven of the nine lowest-rated games of the BCS era have now taken place over the past three seasons. That coincides with the beginning of the current cycle in which the BCS added a fifth game and turned the national championship game into a stand-alone event.

It also happens to coincide with the BCS' contract with FOX. Coincidence?

Sorry, but we can't take a broadcast team of Matt Vasgersian and Tim Ryan seriously. And by "we," we mean anyone with two ears and a passion for college football.

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

With the NFL playoffs seemingly more wide open than they've been in years, can Baltimore make it back to the Super Bowl? A Super Bowl, which, coincidentally, is in Tampa -- site of the Ravens' last win. Over the Giants.

After years in the shadows, Darren Sproles -- all 5-foot-6 of him (he's shorter than us, FYI. And slower. We run faster than light. We also once won a race of little-to-no significance.) -- stepped into the limelight in San Diego's OT win over Indy Saturday.

Question now: where will the free agent end up? The San Diego Union-Tribune's Tim Sullivan says the Chargers better re-sign him. But will San Diego spend what should be pretty big money for LT's backup?

Other possibilities?

Detroit could use help, well, everywhere. How many good years does Portis have left in Washington? Tampa's backs have been injury plagued of late. Seattle was unable to find an adequate replacement for Shaun Alexander. Denver? Cleveland? Cincy?

Unless he ends up back in San Diego, which would be a shame for fantasy football players, Sproles has gotta be an early pick in drafts next season, right? Look what Michael Turner did this season as the featured back in Atlanta. No reason to think Sproles wouldn't do the same.

And he's so small and cute. You could just scoop him up and take him home in your purse.

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

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