Friday, September 6, 2013

By A Stop Sign You know, when you drive your car on roads and streets all over the world, there are a lot of signs you have to pay attention to: Speed Limit, School Zone, Do Not Enter. Arguably, however, there is no sign more important than your friendly neighborhood Stop sign. I'm going to break it to you, tough guy: I really couldn't care less if you actually stop or not. What's that? You say that you have to stop? Says who, Brainiac? Me? I don't care. If you don't see any cars coming, just keep driving, man. Just keep driving. Slow down if you feel nervous, but don't worry about me. I'm fine. You know what? Just blow through the intersection if you want to. Ambulances ignore me. The police and fire departments do, too. Why can't you? Just lay on your damn horn and when you get within 25 feet of me - in fact, as soon as you see my beautiful, red face -- just slam on the gas. Hypothetical: Say you completely ignore me -- and you can, like I said, I don't care -- and you end up in a terrible wreck involving a few fatalities, possibly including your own. Will I care then? The answer is no. Why? Well, a.) odds are that I won't even see it, b.) it's your life and I'm not your boss and c.) I don't know you. Don't get me wrong: I'm not advocating that people risk their lives. I don't want people going around getting into accidents and blaming it all on the stop sign. I'm just telling you that don't care one way or the other. You can do whatever you want, man.If you do stop, great. If not, whatever. I don't care.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

CINCINNATI, OH -- Local retiree Dale Renert finally got the Led out yesterday morning. "Hey, not bad," he said, as he made it halfway through "Good Times Bad Times," the first track of the band's landmark 1969 self-titled album, Led Zeppelin, "Not bad at all." Renert, who retired in January after making a career as a mechanic for the last four decades, explained that he never really made time to sit down and listen to what many consider to be one of the greatest rock and roll bands in the history of music. Yelling over the sweet blues-inspired melodies of "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You" and "You Shook Me," he explained, "We were just busy all the time down at the shop, you know. Outside of the one-hour lunch, it was hard to just get away for five minutes." "Yeah," he continued, listening to lead singer Robert Plant's soaring vocals on "Dazed and Confused," the album's fourth track. Renert later stated, "Well, now I know where they got that movie title." After listening to "Your Time is Gonna Come," side two of the album, listed at #29 on Rolling Stone's"500 Greatest Albums of All Time," Renert thought aloud, "The songs are a little long, huh?" He later retracted this comment after listening to the next two songs, "Black Mountain Side," and "Communication Breakdown." "Good drums," he said of the late John Bonham, who died in 1980 after asphyxiating on his own vomit after consuming 40 shots of vodka, "Really gets your feet tapping." After concluding the multi-platinum album with the dynamic cover of Willie Dixon's "I Can't Quit You Baby" and the epic eight-minute opus "How Many More Times," Renert concluded, "I can certainly see what their appeal was." When presented with the band's landmark follow-up album, Led Zeppelin II, Renert said to "just leave it on the coffee table," before retreating to his garage to work on the transmission of his 1998 Chevrolet Cavalier.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA - In a breakthrough discovery refuting years of scientific theory, a small child declared Thursday night that thunder was actually the sound of Planet Earth cracking and slowly being destroyed. "When lightning hits the ground, it makes a hole in the ground," said 8-year-old Brandon Smith said during recess, "and when we get a lot of holes, it makes cracks and the world starts breaking and that's the sound of it breaking." "Mom [Janet Smith] told me that it's nothing," Smith stated emotionally, "but it's-- no, she's wrong. It's loud." Smith, who has been afraid of thunderstorms since he was five, had previously analyzed theories that the thunder was actually God bowling, God's tummy rumbling or angels bowling. When asked how we should prepare for the Earth's impending collapse, Smith replied, "I don't know. I'm scared. We should all be scared of it." The news comes as a surprise to most established adult scientists who, for years, had theorized that the sound was actually caused by the lightning itself, traveling through the air and creating a sonic shock wave. "Frankly, I'm stunned," said NASA chief meteorologist Frank Roberts, "I mean, millions of dollars and man hours have been spent on previous research, but I guess the simplest explanation is probably the right one." When pressed to explain where lightning comes from, Smith simply cried for ten minutes.