my worst enemy is myself

Some of this i have not told anyone but is stuff that i have been thinking bout non-stop since she died. Some of this I have written about before in previous posts....

I was with my mom during her whole struggle against ovarian cancer. 8.5 years of hell, pain, and sadness. Mom had every chemo possible for her kind of cancer -- we thought she had beaten it 2 years ago but it came back. Jan 2007 was the beginning of the end we (my sister and myself) ended up all 911 cuz mom was so sick we were scared that she was going to die (that also was the beginning of my panic attacks) we found out later that she had an infection in her blood -- a week and a half later she was home and improving for a while but things suddenly started to spirl downwards -- 6 months later she was in a hospital bed (but she was at home) we had hospice and VNA in taking care of her as well as a minister coming to speak with her (i hated that so much) -- i didnt know until 2 months before she died that she was dying....she kept hoping and praying that god would save her as were the rest of the family (my g-parents and my sister) but as things got worse - mom started to change -- she never complained but i knew certian things hurt her, we had to feed her cuz she could no longer use her hands -- that soon turned into only liquids cuz she wasnt able to chew.

I dont know for sure but i think it was one of the last days that she could talk she asked me to stay in the room with her, i didnt want to but went in. Later she asked me if i would sing "her favorite song" (on Eagle's Wings) even tho it was just me and her i couldnt do it, i couldnt sing with someone watching me - she asked me again and I said no. I stayed a little longer til she fell asleep then left - which i feel bad about then cuz she wanted me w/ her but i left her alone. After that she couldnt talk and i could bring myself to sing the song -- it hurt i was angry at god because he was slowly, painfully taking my mom away from me -- i didnt want to sing the song of hope and strength from god....i couldnt. Mom turned into a vegetable -- i didnt hear her voice after that day -- i feel guilty to this day that i couldnt sing to her.

As the days went by i would look out of a window and see the world going on as usual but then i would turn around a see nothing but sadness. I wanted so badly to get out of the house or for her to die -- i prayed everyday to have god take her away cuz i couldnt watch her pain and suffering anymore, i think one of the worst things was that she didnt know that we were there -- she was on so much morphine for the pain and just so she could stay comfratable -- it was like she was looking rite thru us.

I dont know how long it was after that a VNA nurse came in to take care of mom -- she did the usual things but that day was different -- i was in another room on the other side of the house when i heard "No, Please stop" "No" "No" it was my mom - those were the first and only words she said in almost a month - those painful agony filled words rose from her voice made me snap i couldnt listen i fled the house -- later the nurse came out and said to me "u kno ur mom's gonna die in a couple of days" I got angry at her, pushed her away and screamed "ur lying" -- after she left i just sat down and tried to deal with what i was just told - but i couldnt i just pushed it away - however after that day i lost faith in god -- I didnt want to believe that god would put someone thru this much pain/sorrow/agony/and death.

That Saturday nite (June 23 also my moms 57th birthday) was different she had struggled to breath all day. I went to work and bout 2pm i sat down in the front of the barn just cuz i had a really bad feeling, i dont know how long i sat there -- later that nite we were giving my mom morphine to slow her breathing cuz it was way too fast - my grandpa was on the phone w/ a vna nurse who was on her way to our house. when my sis ran in and said her breathing is slowing down - my grandpa went in - she died "holding" her dads hand. But she really couldnt hold it cuz she was basically a vegetable. i didn't know she was gone til he shut her door we hadn't done before - cuz we didn't leave her alone. i just erupted w/ emotion - i didnt stop that nite or the next day - then i pushed everything away -- till now. i held everything in for the first 6 months after her death now all the pain, agony, and anger are coming out in full force and i cant stop the feelings or the things that are happening.

Now that June 23 is approaching im scared that something is going to happen (good or bad idk). I kno none of what ive been doing these past months has been very safe or good for my health but i could deal (SI, mixed ODs, attempted suicides) I kno mom wouldnt want that of me -- ive finally gotten to a point where i will sing again.

I am so sorry you and your family had to go through that. I saw my step-mum slip away in a matter of weeks and that was a very painful time but you went through 8 years of the struggle, it's totally understable that all this is hitting you but you must face it head on and work your way through it all. It's important you don't try to block it out because the ordeal you went through isn't likely to just fade away. I hope it helped to write it all out, sometimes it can be a release.

We can think of the 'what ifs' and we can torture ourselves with guilt but at the end of the day, what does it solve? It doesn't solve anything, it just expands our pain and makes it even more unbearable. Giving you pain that you do not deserve.

It sounds to me that you did a very good job and you were a great daughter, a huge support. I don't think any mother could ask for more than what you did. You didn't sing to her but I severely doubt she would hold that against you. :hug:

Maybe it'll help you to write a letter to your mum or write a poem, perhaps go to some place she loved and talk to her there, as Choma said, maybe even sing to her.

Can you talk to your family about this? Perhaps you should consider bereavement counselling. Am here anytime you'd like to talk. :hug: