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Tales from the mouth of a wolf

“A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

I used to believe that I was a man who had been blessed with the gift of intellect. I spent years convinced that I was the smartest person in any room; often closing myself off from the opinions of others. I would gnash my teeth at the slightest hint of conflict, and reveled in my ability to push my own agendas onto others, whilst belittling theirs. Yet while I thought that I was a magnificent mind perpetually on the cusp of achieving great things, the truth is that I was a bit of a dick. I bruised egos, hurt feelings, and let down the people closest to me.

During these volatile years, I was tolerable at best, and a horribly bitter person at my worst. I convinced myself that I was the most important individual in the world, and I forced myself to suffer through a fear of death, anxiety and self-loathing because I believed I would become a stronger writer and a better man through doing so. I repeatedly told myself that I deserved everything, and that the people around me, who had never walked through the hells that I had, deserved nothing.

I was so angry at everything, and everyone. And I was so afraid of asking myself why that I never confronted the bitterness festering inside of me. I was afraid of death, and petrified of failing. I didn’t have a place in the world; I merely existed in my own reality of anger and unjustified resentment. So, while I pushed myself as hard as I could to chase my dreams of becoming an author, I tore other people apart so that I wasn’t the only one hurting.

I was so lost in my own sickening reality that not even the girl of my dreams was spared from my bitterness. There were times when I was so proud of who she was, and all I wanted to do was tell her I loved her; but when I opened my mouth all the wrong words came tumbling out. I broke her heart. And eventually she broke mine back; walking out of my life and forcing me to look introspectively at the monster that I had become.

When she left, I realized that I wasn’t a man of intellect after all; nor was I ever the smartest person in any room. In fact, it turns out that I’m the furthest thing from intelligent, because I knew that she was my soulmate from the very first time that I saw her; and yet I was so goddamn stupid that I pushed her way. Blinded by my own illogical quest to make her love me, I could never see that she already did, and that she spent our entire relationship holding my hand and asking me to stare into the mirror of her soul so that I could see and become the man that she saw hidden inside of me.

She could see the man that was buried beneath the anger and loathing; the man that still loves her unconditionally, and with such intensity that a smile still spreads across his face at the faintest thought of her.

She is the first person who ever made me realise that I am not as intelligent as they are, and the only person in this world that I would give up everything I have just to spend one more day with. She is the woman that I want to travel the world, create beautiful memories, and grow old and wrinkly with. But because I was too afraid to look into the mirror that she held before me, I’m no longer the man who gets to tell her how much he loves her when she succeeds; or kiss her forehead and tell her everything will be alright when she is feeling down.

Agh. Alright. Let’s take a break for a moment. Because this is starting to sound a little depressing and my eyes filling with tears. This isn’t supposed to be a post about sadness or loss. It’s supposed to something positive. I fucked up. I fucked up really badly and I lost the woman I want to spend my life with. But one man’s loss can be another’s gain, and the whole point of writing this is so that people can learn from my mistakes.

It took losing everything that I have ever wanted to finally become a man capable of looking at himself in the mirror. I had to give my heart away to a woman who left before I could find the strength to acknowledge my fractures and flaws. But by learning how to be open with myself I have come to realise that while I spent years believing that I had overcome depression and was healthy; the truth is that I was on a downward spiral of poor mental health caused by my own incessant desires to become the greatest author of all time, to make my partner proud, and to bury my own heartache regarding issues such as the death of friends and my crippling fear of being unable to provide a beautiful life for the girl of my dreams.

I had to pay a terrible price to find the courage to confront myself, but by facing my own reflection I have learned how to lay to rest the demons of my past, and how to be happy. Shit, I’m even starting to love the man that I see staring back at me with grin spread across his face, making me wish that I had of found the nerve to face my own demons years ago, rather than waiting until I lost my soulmate to do so. Because as great as it feels to be staring at the man that I should have always been, there’s still an element of heartbreak in seeing your reflection in a mirror that was once held by your soulmate, but now sits dusty and alone in the corner of a room you once shared together.

Since finding myself I have just one regret left in my life; and that is that I can’t go back in time and start over with my former lover. I can’t take back all my screw ups and my flaws and sweep her off her feet. If I could, I wouldn’t be the angry, bitter man that I was. I would be the version of me that I have become since she left; the man that she always saw hidden beneath a veneer of angst. And instead of saying all the wrong things I would simply say this:

Hi. My name is Chris Nicholas. And you don’t know it just yet; but I fell in love with you from the moment that I saw you. And if you give me a chance I promise that I will spend my life doing everything that I can to make you smile. If you want me… I am yours now and forever; because you have stolen my heart, and I hope to God that you hold onto it for the rest of our lives.

But I can’t go back in time, and I can’t tell her just how much I miss her. There are so many wonderful moments happening in my life every single day that I wish I could share with her, but I can’t. Nor can I share in the great moments happening in her life either. And while that breaks my heart, I can say this to my readers: find your soulmate; hold their hand, and stare into the mirrors of each other’s souls so that together you can change your lives.

If you have already found that person, give them a hug and a kiss and tell them that you love them dearly every single day. Let them know that they mean the world to you, because no matter your circumstance; the cost of love is priceless and there is no greater feeling in this world than being told that you are loved, and that you are beautiful. Just as there is nothing more wonderful, or fulfilling than finding that one person who you value, and adore more than anything else in the world.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t wait until you have lost the woman (or man) of your dreams to become the person you should have always been. Find your soulmate and stare into their mirror and become the very best version of you; then take their hand and make one hell of a life, jam-packed with wonderful memories together.

To the woman with the little blue hearts… If you ever read this: I miss you. More than you’ll ever know. I’m nothing without you.

We have moments and people in our lives that shape up and mold us and yes absolutely crush us at some points. But (and spoiler alert – this is going to be so cheesy sounding that you may leave wishing for nachos) they do also seem to be the very ones who also help forge our characters and lead us to paths we would have never traversed without their presence. So there’s that. The other note is that you will feel strong and intelligent and whole again someday. Until you have children. And at that point, you are hosed once again because they will constantly remind you about how you have no idea what you are talking about. Like ever. It’s the circle of life. The Lion Kind wasn’t lyin’. Love the post. 🙂

Remember, friend, that every person on earth has had some experience or another that they wish they could take back but can’t, even though they feel like they could never be the same person after that event. It’s not called ‘an experience’ for nothing after all. I’m glad you found a way out of your old routine, despite the cost, and I’m sure you’ll find a new way in the future. I’m with you.

Your willingness to open up and share the realness and gravity of what you learned is very admirable. Many people are the way you said you once were and unfortunately no matter how alone their behavior makes them wind up, they’ll never have the strength to own up to it and the resilience to push harder to overcome the one thing that’a blinding them…themselves. Nice post. God Bless

So brutally honest. You are a good guy Chris.
Don’t shut yourself off for your future. Someone will love you and give you reason to love again.
Don’t give up on your future and for the possibilities of a soul mate to catch your attention.

What some men/women don’t realize is that when someone hands over their heart to you, it is made the most delicate china if you squeeze it to hard or yell to loud it will break into a million pieces and then it is gone forever. If you are ever given a heart again remember how you broke the last one. I hope you do and wish you well.

I can honestly say that I feel your pain. I found my soulmate, the man who made me the best version of myself, nearly 20 years ago. I lost him to a rare disease 4 years and 4 months ago. I would give anything and everything to have 5 more minutes with him. Your heart may never mend, but you will get better at numbing yourself against the pain. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

”My dear, I don’t know anymore
how long I’m standing here
underneath your dark windows
while I’m listening to the pouring ran
My dear, even when I go
I’m eager to return
you don’t know that half of me
remains here to follow you
Half of me remains here to kiss you
when you’re alone and when it’s cold
for I’m the one who loses
before I even have anything
My dear, like a drop of water
you’re melting in the palm of my hand
because with you I gain and without you I
loose a hundred days within one day
My dear, you’re tired
and without you I prepare the bed
In an extinguishing star, I seek
for the light which I don’t have
Under the cold sky beneath the branches
you’ll lay your head on my chest
for I am the dreamer
and therefor I won’t wake you”

It feels strange to type up a comment, as if I’m about to write a letter to a foreign pen pal. Yet, this comment will not hold the same value of a written letter, but it will be written by a stranger (me) sent to a stranger (you), and I hope that in itself this will hold a little of the same sentiment.

So, as you can probably tell, it is not a habit of mine to actually comment on other people’s posts. However, this particular post has been resonating with me and I’ve been coming back to it a few times. I figured I should at least try to write a response.

First things first: I think the quote of Elizabeth Gilbert is a very narcissistic view on soul mates, or to the very least, it’s not a complete description at all. It describes what a soul mate can do for you and you’ve spent this text explaining how you didn’t react to that and you did not improve yourself. But it’s self-evident that again it is about yourself (not necessarily pointing fingers, just my attempt to get my point across), not about the relationship, nor about the other person. It is not even about being yourself in a set time. It’s about improvement. My only question is: Why?

Do we need to improve ourselves? Do we need to reinvent our personalities? I do very much get the idea that we change and develop, but why do we necessarily need this soul mate to show us the way? Isn’t the argument of the need of self-love to love another not more powerful in this context?

I admire the fact that you seek for self-improvement, since the past has shown you perhaps you were wrong – I do not know the full context, only yours is provided. That’s also why I cannot help but feel that I’m missing the whole context. Surely, it cannot be just solely your fault. Miscommunication is, as always, between two parties. Therefore, following that train of thought, there are always two at fault.

Commenting on your text is more difficult than I thought it would be and I feel like I’m just bashing your text or questioning your motives. However, my main attraction to your text is not the urge to give you a reader-response criticism; it is that even though we live complete separate lives we both are filled with love. The sort of love we are not allowed to give anymore, the sort of love that is bursting through the cracks in the foundations we so dearly desire to build a life upon. It’s painful. It’s painful to feel love, yet know you’re not able to communicate that love because they don’t accept it anymore – because you fucked up. Badly. Yet, giving up on that love hurts just as well, and to not believe in a fairytale ending is just a very dystopian view on the future. At the same time, it could very well be that I’m reading too much into your text.

I wish I could help you shake this feeling. Hell, I wish you could help me shake this feeling. But we’re on opposite sides of the world, and I’m quite sure you don’t want to be saved from the love you feel for her. So I hope this will help you, as it helps me: at least somewhere in the world, someone else feels this sadness too.

So my dear stranger, I don’t hold any answers, nor do I have a solution to better your situation (except maybe time), but at least you’re not completely alone.

All the best,

Eva Suzan

Ps. If my reading of this text is completely false in your opinion, please delete this comment.

Depression can be a life altering illness; I know because I’ve dealt with it in one ‘flavor’ or another for most of my six plus decades on this plane. It can be a career killer and a life destroyer but it can be managed. I elected to go with no medications but instead work against it with diet and lifestyle changes. The results worked well enough for me to now state I’m largely free of the illness but just as a former cigarette smoker knows he, or she, is not a non-smoker but simply a smoker who is currently not smoking I’m vividly aware of depression lurking in the depths of my mind, scurrying rat-like in the shadows. I really loved the raw emotion and ‘real’ discourse regarding your situation! While the loss of a loved one, especially when one knows their large role in the situation, is extremely painful. However, from such emotional upheavals spill energies both positive and negative. The real trick is to seek out the former while trying to mitigate the latter. I do this by forcing myself to always find that dark cloud’s silver lining. This can be tough but in the end I find it oh so beneficial. And Chris, do not forget that you’ve grown from this experience and learning is never a negative! You spoke of being able to face yourself in the mirror and maintain a smile after this horrendous event; that is so telling. And it is something I’m still struggling to do at 63 years of age…

I’ve seldom read more agonized self analysis than what you put yourself through, Christopher. Let’s call it alchemy. The turning of dross into gold. I’ve been through similar things: grandiosity masking terrible insecurity. Arrogance, intellectual hubris, all serving only to hold people at a distance and protect my quivering core from hurt. Have faith that a soul mate waits for you in the future if that is what fate holds for you. There are many soul mates, many forms of love, and all you need to do is turn yourself into a loving and tender man.

I definitely feel your pain dude. To have loved and lost someone you felt so much for is something it seem most of us go through. On the other hand…and you may not want to hear this now…but this comes straight from personal experience. The man with a wife and/or children have to concern themselves with their happiness. No so with you. I think we get the idea that we have to fall in love and have the marriage and children. Guess what? You don’t have to. Learn to live with yourself and love yourself first. Surround yourself with friends and family. Write everyday! Write about your pain. Write about your struggle. Write about your triumphs. Work out your pain and become a whole person.

This is the time of your life! You are in you’re not even 30 yet according to your bio page. Get comfortable with being alone. Pursue your dreams. Don’t worry about finding the love of your life until you’ve become the man you want to be. Things are going to change. You’re not going to be the same person you are today.

Once you’ve made something of yourself and have a healthy love for yourself, that will be more attractive to any potential partner than anything else. It’s ok to have ambition. Good luck!

Wow. What a powerful post Chris. I just wanted to add (I’m sure one of the comments above has probably already said but I feel like I want to say it from me) that with every relationship you do learn a ton of things. If this girl was not the one for you, then she is not the one. When I read that you’ll continue to love her unconditionally etc my heart broke a little. Moving on for you taking the lessons you learnt from that relationship will be by far he best thing you can do for you. Trust me: I’ve been there. I don’t know if that is helpful… x

Awesome memoir, if you don’t mind me calling it that. I felt like I was looking at my self through a mirror that showed the young me. Inspiring. Keep growing young man. I look forward to reading more insight from your perspective.

That’s beautiful. Reminds me of someone that I used to know, a former love I had to walk away from because of a similar incident, he is very much like the person you have described yourself to be before you realised who you are (strive to become). Good luck and I hope you find your soulmate again 🙂

I’m not done reading your post, but I felt I had to give my opinion here–it sounds like you had a “fixed mindset” as opposed to a “growth mindset.” I’m sure you’ve changed a lot because of all your introspection, but just in case you haven’t changed in this aspect and still expect perfection from yourself, you should look into the growth mindset. It really changed my way of thinking and dealing with personal errors and failure, as did the realization that my silly goal was perfection, something I would never achieve. It’s ridiculous (from a certain perspective) how much we can expect from ourselves, but that is just another one of our errors which those who examine themselves regularly may find and fix more quickly than the next person. I found that I reached a point where I felt constant anger, frustration, and self-loathing, which seems like something you felt at some point in your life. When I gave myself permission to be human, everything began to change, and this happened only recently, actually. I’m a lot more relaxed and forgiving; I’m a lot healthier and realistic; I’m a lot happier, which was actually always my end goal. Happiness was why I wanted to reach perfection–I thought doing so would give me it.

Your post brought me to tears. It’s hard to change yourself when you don’t know you have a problem. You can’t beat yourself up for that. Shit happens and as long as you are learning and striving to be better no one can ask more from you. I hope things work out for you and if you ever run across her again make sure to tell her these things. (No one likes to be left out in the dark.) I’d be willing to bet she would be kind and loving toward you or at least that is my hope for you.