Here’s the problem: not long after his FREE-MONEY-FOR-EVERYONE! stunt, Welker tested positive for amphetamine, which, as you are probably aware, is a big no-no in the NFL.

Welker insisted that couldn’t possibly have drugged himself because he doesn’t even know “where to get a Molly or what a Molly is,” and there’s no way he could even do that, you don’t even know, and you’re just going to have to trust him, because “that’s a joke.”

Tom Brady, who was also there (and didn’t even get any of Welker’s free money, which is very rude) was asked by ESPN.com if he saw Welker taking “anything” while at the Derby. In response, Brady “laughed really hard and said, ‘No comment on that.'”

So, in response to Welker’s #Derbygate scandal, we offering up a few alternate theories as to the actual events of that day.

1. His yellow fedora had MDMA residue on it.

Seriously look at that thing. Why would he even buy that? It looks like a actual pile of mustard. Clearly this ostentatious accessory was used in a drug trade at some point before it landed in the hands of Welker, at which time it picked up MDMA residue somehow. At the Derby, the forecast was sunny, so Welker’s sweaty forehead pores probably just absorbed the drugs that way. It’s science, you know?

2. He ate one of those dollar bills first so he could feel like a hundred bucks.

Do you ever hear those insane stories about U.S. dollar bills containing trace amounts of cocaine? Maybe a little bit of amphetamine ended up on one he ate in a celebratory fit of reckless, flowing testosterone, and his belly absorbed the drug.

3. His real secret ambition is to re-enact ‘Fear & Loathing’ but actually be rich.

Who knows? Maybe Welker is a true Gonzo at heart. Except for the money part.

In a James Bond-like scenario, a contracted secret agent injected Welker with MDMA while coyly requesting an autograph with a pen like this. Welker was none the wiser.

5. Someone spiked his drink.

Let me tell you, those mint juleps really get to you. There is so much sugar in one of those drinks, you can’t taste anything else. Maybe someone wanted to sabotage his game. SCANDAL!

Though that last one is actually pretty plausible, we may never know what actually happened. However, we hope (for our fantasy football roster’s sake) this scandal disappears as soon as that hat should from the world’s surface.