Dear John: 'My wife wants to separate but she says she still loves me'

John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples' retreats.

Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships.

I wrote to you in April about my wife wanting to separate as she wasn't in love and wanted to be alone, adamant there wasn't anyone else. Your advice was for me to see her and move on once I worked out that it was over.

I have been seeing her 2 to 3 nights most weeks, some romantic dates where she'll kiss me across the table, some nice nights in on the couch, some days with her family or dinner at the family, some with my family together. I told her I still love her and she said she still loves me.

I asked her recently what was going on is there possibility to move forward as I still want to be with her. She said that she enjoys being with me, she misses me when I’m not there BUT she still enjoys being by herself in her own little bubble.

Is there anything else I can do to get out of this loop? The time together is heaven but the time apart is torture and its taking its toll on me.

Surely it's not over for her to keep seeing me these past six months.

(Jamie Haughton/Unsplash)

It’s really up to you now, how to handle this. From where I’m sitting, she’s got all the leverage. She’s said she’s not in love with you, she’s separated, and she continues to enjoy this situation. You’re the one holding on and doing all the leg work. So you’re going to need to take back your power. It’s time for an ultimatum and then you’ll be able to finally break free of this loop.

The real problem you face at the minute is that your ex-partner has no real reason to change. She’s getting you without any need for her to commit. At the same time, she can enjoy all the trimmings of the single life and you remain desperate and holding on. Translated, that means she’s not changing anything, and you’re going to remain stuck in the loop. So it’s time to get serious and light a fire under her.

I want you to give her an ultimatum and make her accountable. She needs to know that you’re not going to simply sit back and put up with the status quo any longer. Get on the front foot and put it to her – "are you in love with me?", "Do you see a future with us together?" and "I need you to move back in with me by X time... Will you do this?" These are straight forward black and white 'yes' or 'no' questions. These will quickly reveal her true intentions.

After 6 months of being separate, she’ll know what she wants. Be aware - any other answer other than a ‘yes’ is a ‘no’, and it’s time for you to pull right back. Essentially, if she can’t commit to you then you need to remove yourself from her life and stop the contact. She doesn’t get you anymore if she doesn’t want to commit. I realise this is hard, but the ball is in your court. She won’t change anything if you don’t make her accountable. It may not end well, but at least by doing this you’ll finally get out of the limbo that you’ve been living with for the last 6 months.

Dear John,

A few months ago my girlfriend of three years went through my phone and found a few text messages from a friend. I thought there was nothing wrong with the messages but my girlfriend didn’t think it was appropriate to be talking to her like we were, so I decided to cut all contact with her because I didn’t want it to affect our relationship.

I thought from then onwards things were fine but in the months since when my girlfriend gets drunk she accuses me of having an affair and I don’t know how to respond. I’ve told her nothing is going on but she’s insecure about our relationship after seeing the messages and won’t let go of it.

We’ve spoken about it drunk and sober a couple of times and I’ve tried to reassure her that it’s only her and nothing ever happened between me and my friend but I feel like she can’t get over it. I don’t know how else to address the issue but it’s really starting to become a problem for us.

How do I get her to drop it?

(Yura Fresh/Unsplash)

Once you’ve breached trust in a relationship you have to do everything you can to repair things and create something new and different moving forward. In your case, your partner feels betrayed by the texts you’ve had with a friend, and now she doesn’t trust you. The key for you getting this relationship back on track is to get her to give you a blueprint of how to do things differently, and in time she’ll start to feel more secure with you.

But before you get her to give you the how to’s of repairing this relationship, you need to change your mind set in terms of her letting things go. From now on, you don’t get the right to tell her to ‘drop it’, as this is something that she controls not you. She feels betrayed and hurt, and she’ll decide when she ready to move forward depending on how you act in the future. So buckle up and settle in – it could be a long ride and you need to be patient with her.

Next, you need to go to her and tell her that you understand her hurt and pain, and that you’ll now do whatever it takes to win her back. I don’t want resistance, anger, sulking or defensiveness. Just a complete commitment to letting her lead and doing whatever she asks to make her trust you again. Get her to be specific about her new rules and expectations around the relationship. Perhaps she’ll want you to drink less, work different hours, socialise with a different group of friends, take the passwords off your devices, or no longer take your mobile phone to the toilet. Whatever she needs, your answer is "yes".

If you can jump on board her wagon and change the way in which you behave in the relationship, then she’s going to start believing in you again. As long as you can create something different and fresh, then she’s not going to be scared of old patterns re-occurring. But if you push back, tell her to drop it and break some of your new promises to her, then her insecurity and lack of trust will remain, and ultimately it will break you up. So get her to give you the instruction manual, roll your sleeves up and win her back.

Dear John,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months and it’s mostly going really well. One problem is his mother who goes out of her way to show me that she doesn’t like me. She hasn’t said as much but I can just tell she disapproves and my boyfriend does nothing to stick up for me.

One time, I had to skip a family event last minute to finish an assignment and she told my boyfriend that she thought I was being lazy. He sat me down and said, hey just so you know, my mum thinks you’re lazy so don’t miss these events again! It made me feel so upset and unappreciated! He’s on her side, not mine.

In general, she is just very cold and doesn’t make any effort to have a conversation with me. She’ll pretty much ignore me when I’m in the room and be nice to everyone else. I’ve told my boyfriend before that he needs to stick up for me but I’m not sure he’s listening. Will this become a problem? I really like him but it seems he likes his mum more than me…

(Hunter Newton/Unsplash)

Will it become a problem? It already is. And if it doesn't change soon, you’re not going to be together much longer. The big issue you’ve got on your hands here is that you’ve fallen in love with a Mummy’s boy. That means there’s three of you in this relationship – you, him and his mother dearest. The only way forward now is for him to step up and have your back, and create new boundaries with his Mum. The days of him putting her ahead of you have to be over, and you need to become the priority.

The big issue you have with this situation is that this is nothing new for him. He’s been playing this role with his Mum all of his life. She’s the boss and he’s the employee. He will do anything for her approval, and he avoids having conflict with her. You won’t be the first girlfriend whose had this problem, and his mother will have likely broken up several of his past relationships. So it’s a strong pattern that comes very naturally for him and it’s going to be hard to break.

The only way you can do this is through him. If you try to confront his mother by yourself, then you’ll lose every time. It must be coming from the both of you and led by him. He needs to see that what he’s doing is wrong and then start to put you first. If he resists, gets defensive, dismisses you or gets angry, then you need to understand that nothing is changing. His mother is number one and you’re always going to come a distant second.

On the other hand, if he can hear your frustrations and together you can come up with a new plan of how to put boundaries around her then it’s game on. So sit down with him, explain your hurt and pain, and then be very clear about what the both of you need to do when it comes to handling his mother. Get specific about new boundaries and expectations, give him real examples of how to do it differently with her and then see what he says. If he has your back, then you can do this as team. However, if he wants to continue to be a Mummy’s boy, then he’ll ignore you and stay the same. At least then you’ll have your answer, and you can make your next decision accordingly.

The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.