BREAKING: Shabba Ranks Announces GOP Candidacy

GOP presidential hopeful Shabba Ranks announced his candidacy today over Twitter. Though it’s too early to tell for sure, there are already rumors that he will be running alongside Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who, despite previous plans of his own, has shown fervent support for the Jamaican musician.

“I see echoes of my father in him,” Rand Paul was quoted as saying by FoxNews, “But unlike my father, I see the strength in him to win over the Blue states.”

“They’re paying me,” Shabba Ranks told us in a GURU exclusive. “They said they needed another black dude.”

“The GOP came to me,” he explained—some people get reality TV shows, some people’s online presence merely increases—other people get a chance at the White House.

“They’re desperate and it’s free money.”

Senator Paul’s attitude on the matter is a little bit different: “We’re both libertarian-conservatives who have our fingers on the pulse of today. We know what the American people need at this point in time, and I would be honored to be his running mate, which is something I can easily foresee.”

Paul was quick to dismiss any speculation on Ranks’ country of origin.