Ask Amy Amy Dickinson

ASK AMY AMY DICKINSON

Dear Amy: I am 40 years old and my husband is 36. We have been married for three years and don't have children.

Last year he was "suddenly" filled with doubts. Was I the one? Did he ever love me? Did he choose me not knowing that he had options?

This hurt me deeply. He was open and honest, and he got us into marriage counseling within a week. After a few months of counseling, I believed things were OK again. Then on Valentine's Day last year, he informed me that his doubts had never left him.

He told me that he HAD to separate "for a while" to figure things out. I told him that if he needed to separate, I would consider our marriage over and just work on being OK alone. Weeks went by but he didn't leave. I moved to the guestroom. He never dated or was involved with anyone else.

He finally got an apartment after my begging him endlessly to leave. Then he wouldn't move -- he was "too stressed about everything." We sold our house, so I moved out the very next day.

It has been more than two months since I moved. He has been trying to get me back ever since. He calls countless times and wants to see me every day.

For a month I stopped contact, but then we started going out to eat a couple of times a week.

I love him very much, but now I don't trust him or his level of commitment.

What should I do? -- Confused

Dear Confused: You know the saying, "If you love something, set it free"?

So far, so good.

Now it's time to change the locks.

OK. I'm exaggerating, but it sounds like your husband has become addicted to the chase. You might be encouraging him, perhaps because you are truly ambivalent about him, or maybe because you're trying to punish him for jerking you around.

If you actually want to be with him, you two need to commit to more counseling. Certainly there are cases of couples breaking up and recommitting -- or remarrying. But frankly, he sounds especially miserable. He needs therapeutic help and you should insist that he get it.