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psychlady, Counselor

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 6893

Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues

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Abused of my feelings

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I'm really at a lost and I need help to understand. My story sounds more like a fiction than reality. Well, my boyfriend recently came to visit me in my country. I paid for everything, the ticket including the rent without any obligations. I could afford it, so I did it. Since he came, things were much tensed between us as he got a contract from the Ministry of Education for the supply of school uniforms. He borrowed money from the bank, his brother and friends but still lacked a significant amount to complete the work. Though he knew he did not have enough to complete the order, he used whatever money he had to do part of the work thereby opening himself up to debt. I found this very irrational and warned him but he took my advice as discouragement. To make a long story short, I lent him money. Listening to his words, I had no doubts on his integrity to pay me back. He again asked me for additional money that he promised he would return. He must be the most unluckiest person on earth but when he went back to his country and on his way to the company sewing the uniforms, he was stabbed and attacked. It was his brother who informed me. I immediately doubted that it was a scheme to rob my money. But his brother sent me a picture of him unconscious on the hospital bed with two stab wounds on his chest. So, he's now in debt and moreover jobless. As he is already struggling to pay his debt, I found myself in a difficult situation to ask him for my money but I was very unhappy that he dragged me into this. He also exercised poor economic sense while doing this contract. He felt bad about this and told me that it's because of my money that I'm saying such things to him. I can't understand where I was wrong and what to do.

Most of the time when money enters the picture things change for the worse. You should decide if he is capable and willing to pull off such an elaborate hoax. If so he is not worth your time. Someone who is dishonest is not relationship material. If you decide that this really happened then be supportive but with boundaries. Don't buy totally into being manipulated. Be firm and stand your ground. It is his job to meet you in the middle. Sometimes by being overly sympathetic you leave yourself open to negativity. Go with your instinct and that is usually your best guide

The problem is that the other time, I reproached him that he did a very costly mistake when he started spending money he borrowed without having enough to complete the work. It was just irrational what he was doing. I also told him that I want to at least reduce my loan and I don't want to see these salary deductions for long. I don't understand why he felt so affected by what I said. I helped this guy. Out of my love, I took many risks for him. It was never my intention to hurt him. I tried to make him understand that whatever he thought was wrong but he said nothing. He only told me that I like to talk a lot. When I try to defend myself and clear misunderstandings, he always say that I am blabbering and refuse to communicate. He was very angry with me. when we have conflicts, he never tries to reconcile. Most of the time, he remains on his ground and I would try all my best to clear the misunderstandings.

I want to add that when he borrowed money again after I paid for his ticket, I really did not like it. He knew I spent a lot on him and financially I was a bit in the red but this did not stop him from asking me more money. I don't know if it's worth pursuing my relationship with such a person

Customer:replied 4 years ago.

Relist: Other. I am requesting for another answer because I asked for a follow up but I did not get any reply.

From what you have written, this does not sound like a trustworthy man. He is very willing to take your money...but not willing to take your advice. By taking your money, you become, in essence, a business partner. That should give you some authority to make reasonable requests about your investment. Perhaps he does not see the situation this way and, rather, believes that the money is his to spend the way he wants to. But clearly you expected the money to be used for producing the product and felt that you were supporting said venture.

The story of being stabbed and attacked does seem genuine. Pictures could easily have been made to show such a scene. From all that has happened...I would not trust this.

His verbal defense that you talk too much and so forth seems like manipulation. That is, he attempts to take the focus off of his behavior and instead puts it on your behavior. You are made to look like the problem...and he stays in control.

I agree with your statement that this is not a relationship worth pursuing.