We were all pretty surprised at first. Melkor got into an argument with Manwë over who the singer was. Melkor kept demanding to know why someone was in Arda before us. That sniveling toady Manwë replied that it didn’t matter, it was up to Eru, and we shouldn’t worry about it.

Screw Eru. We live here in Arda now. Let Eru look after the Timeless Halls — this is OUR world, mine and Melkor’s.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a little while, things have been very hectic here in Arda. And I am NOT happy.

The Vision of the Ainulindalë showed us a world vast in time and space. Well, that’s not what we got. Eä itself is finite in scope, with beginning and end, and so seems tiny and cramped compared to the Infinite Realms of the Timeless Halls of Ilúvatar.

But we don’t GET to live in Eä. Oh no. Surprising, isn’t it, since Eru never told us anything of the kind before we committed to this?

No, we Ainur are confined to Arda, a tiny sphere in the center of Eä. The whole damn thing’s only a few tens of thousands of miles across. And outside of it, all is Dark and Void.

So, in all the infinite and immeasurable vastness of spacetime, we, the Ainur, the First and True Children of Ilúvatar, greatest of all beings save One, must slum around on a tiny planet surrounded by walls of firmament.

This sucks balls.

Well, you might say, at least you get to rule over Arda, right? A world of light and life and fire and ice? Filled with delicious animals and servile mortals, right?

No. Arda is filled with Dark and Void, as well.

You see, Eru showed us a preview of the World, but He didn’t bother to actually create it. WE have to create it. Molecule by molecule, stone by stone.

Something He also failed to mention.

There’s one more thing He forgot to tell us, and even more than our virtual imprisonment, and the long hard labor before us, this irks the hell out of me.

You see, when we Ainur arrived, “first” of all beings to dwell in Arda — there was already somebody here.

Well, I am writing this from within the World of Arda. I suppose I should be thrilled — instead I am tired and confused.

I would say about a third of the Hosts of the Ainur volunteered to enter Eä, the World That Is. Most wanted to go; but some went out of service or friendship to someone else. Huan made a big deal out of the fact he was coming for my sake. I mean, I’m glad, but I didn’t ask him to come. I don’t need him. Truthfully, he’s really not on my level. I plan to make new friends in Arda.

Lots and lots of Ainur went because Melkor was going. Most of the fire spirits, a whole bunch of darkness spirits, and many spirits of craft like myself. But lots of air, earth, and water spirits too.

Especially water spirits. Ulmo is their leader — I guess he’s a friend of that stupid air spirit, Manwë. But Ossë came too, and he’s pretty cool, in small doses.

Who else went? Melian. I’ve always had a crush on her — she is smoking hot. She’s with the forest spirits, who I think went into Arda just so they could find out what the hell a “forest” is. Oh Eru, and speaking of women — just as we were preparing to enter the World, Ungoliant came slithering up. You should have seen the look on Melkor’s face — he was definitely hoping to ditch her.

And Manwë tried to give a speech before we descended. What a despicable prick. But Melkor just cut him off. There’s no love lost there.

Melkor was the first to descend, of course. He didn’t even look back at Eru. We’re not going to be needing Him anymore.

And guess who was second? Manwë tried to cut in front of me, but I just stomped on his instep and jumped ahead. After Melkor, I, Sauron, was first into the World of Arda.

It was horrible.

As I passed from the immaterial and incorporeal to the material and corporeal, I felt myself stretched beyond breaking, and yet crushed into nothing, as wide as the World and yet small as a speck of dust. I felt myself forced through an impenetrable barrier, my very being fractured and demolished, then reassembled and made whole.

The pain was unbearable.

When I came to my senses, I found myself in a tiny realm of unbearable cold and total darkness. At first I panicked, certain that something had gone wrong. Was it all a trick? Had Eru fashioned a prison for all who denied Him, who desired time and contingency and sensation over an eternity of singing praises?

Then I heard Melkor calling my name, followed soon by the mingled shouts and protestations of the other Ainur.

We had arrived, passing into Eä, the World That Is, and at its center, Arda, the World of the Vision of the Ainulindalë.

Well, after my blog post yesterday, you’re probably wondering what why I’m still here in the Timeless Halls of Ilúvatar, and not down in Eä, the “World That Is” that Eru created with the help of Melkor and the rest of us Ainur.

I was ready to go at once, as was Melkor. But you know Eru; He loves to talk. Almost as much as He loves to hear His praises sung.

Turns out there are a few “Terms and Conditions” for entering the World.

First of all, anyone can go. This is bad news. It means total losers like Manwë will get to go — and just looking at that stupid fuck, I can tell he’s planning to.

Second, if you go into Eä, you become a permanent part of it — bound the the fate of the world, whatever that means. Anyway, once we go in, we can’t come out — not until the End of the World. I’m okay with that. I mean, I’m immortal, right? Even if we’re in there ten thousand centuries, that’s nothing to an immortal person.

Third, the Song of the Ainur, the music that Melkor and Eru made together along with the rest of us (and which has been the cause of so much tsuris) shall be as fate to those of us who dwell in the World. That’s okay — Melkor and I devised and sang most of the music.

And fourth, Eru is pulling rank AGAIN, and inserting something into the World that we didn’t sing — the “Children of Ilúvatar.” Apparently this is a pair of strange races he wants us to incorporate into the World.

Now, excuse me if I’m wrong, but I thought WE, the Ainur, were the Children of Ilúvatar. We’re not going to need these weird little “Elves” and “Men” running around, screwing things up. Well, whatever. As long as these “Children” know who’s in charge.

The day started terribly. I was already depressed; then Aulë announced his schedule for today, which involved two hours of singing Eru’s praises, followed by four hours of choir practice, an hour-long discussion of how great Eru is, then another two hours of singing.

With no lunch.

So we’re busy singing when I hear Huan mention my name. He’s saying, “Sauron? Haven’t seen him. Try over by the Outer Airs.” Well, Huan knew perfectly well I was right there. So I left my position in the choir to see what was going on. I knew Aulë would have my ass over it, but you know what? I don’t care.

Huan was talking to Melkor! Lying to him! That little prick! I was soooo pissed. Huan is really beginning to piss me off.

Melkor didn’t care though, he was just glad he found me. He said Eru had another big announcement, but one we would really like, and I had to come with him at once! Can you believe that, Melkor came to find ME! We’re definitely, totally friends now.

Well, Aulë came over to bust me for leaving the choir. But Melkor said, “Aulë, Lord of the Cthonic Spirits, you and your host must come as well. For Ilúvatar hath summoned us forth.”

Well, Aulë just grumbled, and we all went up to the Empyrean Airs, where well nigh all of the Ainur were assembling.

“I have spoken to Ilúvatar,” Melkor whispered to me, “and He hath harkened, for the Ainur have become restless. Now much we have desired shall come to pass.”

Cool!

Then Eru came upon us, and He said, “I know the desire of your minds that what ye have seen should verily be, not only in your thought, but even as ye yourselves are, and yet other.”

No shit, Sherlock.

“Therefore I say: Eä! Let these things Be!”

And suddenly the Void was filled with light! It was awesome. “Eä.” I gotta remember that trick.

Then Eru said, “And I will send forth into the Void the Flame Imperishable, and it shall be at the heart of the World, and the World shall Be; and those of you that will may go down into it. “

Yes!! We get a world, we get the Flame Imperishable, and best of all, we have a ticket out of this metaphysical hellhole of singing and praising!

I was jumping up and down, I was so excited. I think I hugged Melkor, which is kind of embarrassing.

So all anybody can talk about now is The World that Eru showed us. I’ll bet if we had the Flame Imperishable, we could create the World without Eru. Maybe I should go out to the Void and look for it — but if Melkor had no luck, what chance do I have?

Speaking of Melkor, I think he’s avoiding me. I haven’t spoken to him since Eru called him out after the big concert. I think he’s genuinely ashamed, and wants to regain his position as Eru’s favorite. I guess I can’t blame him — he’s been Ilúvatar’s best buddy since forever. But is this the end of our plan to get Eru to adopt our changes?

Everyone who sang with Melkor is laying pretty low right now; and Aulë, that fat fuck, is all over me like ugly on an Orc. Whatever an “Orc” is. He seems to think I embarrassed him during the concert. Now he has me working all the time, to “keep me out of trouble.”

Screw him. Screw him right in the ear.

Oh, and Manwë! Did I mention him before? Some pissant little air spirit who showed up to our meeting? He was one of the loudest singing for Melkor during the concert.

Well, now he’s all over the place, talking about how VERY SORRY he is, and how Melkor led him astray, and he’ll never defy Eru again. Dammit, he pisses me off so much!

First of all, we didn’t defy Eru. We did exactly what Eru asked: we adorned His music with our “own thoughts and devices.”

Second, Melkor did not mislead anyone. We all knew what we were doing. And you don’t see Gothmog or any of the fire spirits going around apologizing.

And now Manwë, this whiny little loser, is trying to pass himself off as so pious and so repentant. Ugh, I could kill him.

Then Eru called us all over the the Edge of the Void. I was afraid the big guy was going to do something rash, like throw Melkor into the Void or something. I have to admit, I was kind of hiding behind Huan at that point — I was one of the instigators of the trouble, after all.

But Eru gestured into the Void, and called out “Behold your Music!”

Then a world appeared. An entire freakin’ world!

It was absolutely amazing. All the colors — color had never even existed before! And sound — no, the Music of the Ainur is not “sound,” what would the sound travel through? Air doesn’t exist! The sounds of the world were mesmerizing. And the smells, and the feelings — the heat and cold and the wind.

There is never ANYTHING this cool in the Heavenly Spheres, ever. Who wants to spend eternity praising Eru and singing songs, when we could go down into all that beauty?

I looked at Melkor, and could tell he was thinking the exact same thing.

Eru says, “This is your minstrelsy,” which is Eru’s two-dollar word for “singing,” “and each of you shall find contained herein, amid the design that I set before you, all those things which it may seem that he himself devised or added.”

And He turns to Melkor and says, “And thou, Melkor, wilt discover all the secret thoughts of thy mind, and wilt perceive that they are but a part of the whole and tributary to its glory.”

Yeah sure, Eru. It’s ALL you. What an egomaniac.

Then Eru waved His hand, and the Vision was gone! A bunch of us yelled out in dismay! Turns out Eru was just showing us what COULD be.

Great joke, Eru. You’re a real peach. Show me something that finally gives meaning to my otherwise pointless existence, and then just take it away.