Friday, July 28, 2017

Some days you’re the
windshield, some days you’re the bug. That’s just science.

At least I think it’s
science? Maybe it’s fate. Possibly Karma. Most likely, just bad planning. Whatever. The bottom line is that on any given
day you’re either the bug or the windshield. You’re either rising above bad
luck or wallowing in the mire of it; humming along at a respectable cruising
altitude or coming face first with the business end of an SUV that wipes you
away with the flick of a finger.

You can even vacillate
between bug and windshield within the same 24hour period. I affectionately
refer to those days as “White Wine Wednesdays”. Although, pretty much any day
of the week that ends in a ‘Y’ can be a white wine day. I’m very flexible.

I don’t know how others
manage to perpetually be in Time Zone Windshield. They always look polished.
Their horses are always spotless with flowing tails that flutter romantically
in the breeze. They can hook up their trailer on the first try while I’m
recalculating my approach for the 9th time in front of a growing
crowd of spectators.

Maybe it’s my imagination, or
the wine, but I’d swear even their horses look at me like “Oh my gosh, Bernice,
that lady is SUCH a bug. I mean look at her; it’s like, lady, please. Get your act together, you’re
bringing our group average down.”

And then they roll their eyes
and whisper over the hay pile.

Clearly, I need a plan. Maybe
there’s an App that secures your position in Windshield Territory for a low
monthly charge of $4.99 when you sign up for automatic recurring payments and
agree to daily emails soliciting business from other empty-promise bargain
sites.It guarantees to save you time,
money, embarrassment, AND makes your lashes grow!

Obviously no such thing
exists (yet). So until then, I will relinquish myself to being the bug and
celebrating White Wine Wednesday while I wait patiently to morph into a
beautiful butterfly. Then all you Windshields better watch your rear-view
mirrors, because that’ll be me sneaking up behind you with a can of spray
paint.