Handyman's Corner

Here's some fake scripts (actually, one fake script) for Handyman's Corner. I'm not actually a writer for TNRGS (I wish, eh?), but if anyone out there knows someone who is, send them a copy of this... :-) The next time I'm bored, and have nothing to do, I'm sure to write more of these.

Imagine that this is said by Red, except for the parts in square brackets, which are directions...

With the sudden interest in having a neat computer, say, with
a "4XDM microprocessor", "4 Jig of ROM", "23-bit video", and
other stuff with lots of numbers and letters like that, I
figure that it's about time that I get one. I browsed around
at the store, but some of those cost $1500! So anyway, this
week on Handyman's Corner, I'll be making my own home
computer with parts I have lying around the home.

First of all, you need something to see what the computer is
doing. This is called the output device, or a monitor. You
could buy one, but why go to the trouble. You can easily make
one out of an old TV, or even a microwave oven, if you have
the time. I'm using the lodge's TV, since the last time it
worked, we were watching American Bandstand when Dick Clark
looked like he was 20 years old. Of course, he was about 50
years old at the time.

[At this point, Red rips the back off the TV set and rips out
all sorts of wires. He eventually gets it back together, and
tapes the back on with duct tape.]

Well, the output device is done, now we need an input device.
Some computers have a thing called a "mouse", but there are
no little rodents around the lodge. Just rats. And Harold.
Since we're using a TV for the monitor, I'll be making the
keyboard out of an old remote control. This is either for the
TV, or the garage door opener. I guess I'll find out when I
get home and drive through the garage door. Again.

[Red rips apart the remote, duct taping and gluing all sorts
of wires to each component inside. Then he sticks all the
wires together, and plugs them into the antenna inputs of the
TV.]

Now we have a working computer. But there's nothing to store
anything on. So for a "disk drive", I'm using an old, 2-slice
toaster I got Bernice for our first anniversary. Actually, I
got it for our second anniversary, since I forgot the first
one. Feel free to use a 4-slice toaster, since you'll get
twice the storage space. Now let's see. There's some screws
on the bottom, but they use one of those funny star-shaped
screwdrivers. I guess there's only one way to get them off.
[Red picks up the sledgehammer and smashes the cover off.]
Good, now we'll attach it to the rest of the computer. For
disks to store stuff on, I'm going to use some of these "AOL"
thingys I get in the mail every few weeks. After I retiled
the bathroom floor with them, I still had a few left over, so
these should work.

Now we'll "boot" the computer. Computer geeks use the word
"boot", because all the cool people would kick both the
computer and the computer geeks with heavy boots on. At least
that's what I do to Harold. This forces them to "re-boot"
their computers. [Red kicks the TV/remote/toaster, and it
flashes on (a few sparks fly). Suddenly, a picture of Harold
appears on the screen.] OH MY GOD! IT'S GOT A VIRUS! [Red
grabs the sledgehammer and hits the toaster/disk-drive a
couple more times.]

Geez, I thought I'd have to "boot" that thing again. Anyway,
now I'm going to "surf on over" to Harold's web page. Until
next time remember, if the women don't find you handsome, at
least they can find you handy. Oh no! That virus is back! [He
hits the unit a few more times as the screen wipes for the
next segment.]

The "New" Red Green Page

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.