I'm a 44-year-old gay woman. I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. When we first met she told me she was very highly sexed. I was so happy to hear this as I am also and expected our physical relationship to be fantastic. However, I discovered after two months that she didn't really want to have sex at all. Now we're living together but I'm feeling angry, short-changed, worried that she doesn't find me attractive and jealous of her exes. When we do have sex I feel clumsy, self-conscious and worry that I'm not performing well. This has resulted in me being distant and snappy with her. I'm a patient person but I think a physical relationship is important. The last time we made love, it felt weird, like doing it with a friend.

You are persevering with this relationship, yet you and your girlfriend have different requirements and, unfortunately, your patience will probably never pay off. Some couples start with the right erotic energy but quickly become too enmeshed. Unconsciously, your relationship now seems too familial and this undermines desire. To get back on track you would both have to find a way to reconnect with your early passion and, instead of settling into cosiness, become more erotically individuated. But it's not easy to set aside friendship and focus on being lovers. It would require great vigilance – and her willingness, which may not be forthcoming.