It’s the Story of Turkey Skin: American Horror Story Hotel Returns

AHS Hotel returns tonight after a three-week holiday hiatus. So what have you forgotten about since we last heard from our hellish hotel habitators? Read below for a refresher so you can (sort of) understand what’s happening when you tune in tonight!

Ok, so if you remember waaaaay back to the beginning of this season when the blond druggie guy got…harmed by the turkey-skinned monster? Well, it turns out that Turkey Skin is a demon who showed up at the Cortez because all the ghosts and vampires and murders drew him there. And he apparently loves all the killing and the rest of the mess they have going on there. As Mr. March explained to Sally in the last episode, Turkey Skin needs enough mayhem to keep him happy…otherwise he would go after them.

Which is weird, because I always assume all the monsters are on the same team. I mean, sure, werewolves and vampires don’t get along and nobody likes mummies, but knowing that the demon is just lurking around waiting to kill Sally or Mr. March or the Swedish girls makes me wonder if Turkey Skin could take Lady Gaga in a fight. I am going to assume yes because the vamps in this show are painfully weak. So since the demon can eat ghosts and the vampires can die from pretty much anything a regular person can die of, I think Turkey Skin is the actual king of the hotel.

We’ve also found out that Handsome Cop is the 10 Commandments Killer (which Eva guessed in the first five minutes of the first episode) and that the revenge that Angela Basset planned went REALLY wrong. We spent a lot of time with Angela and her poor dad who had Alzheimer’s. She made him a vamp which sadly just made him a vamp with Alzheimer’s (have I mentioned how lame the vampires on this show are?). But that will undoubtedly come back later when someone will think becoming a vampire will save them when it really won’t. Oh, and never let Angela Basset kill you. She will pretend to be all nice about it.

Hey there, dad…here’s a Xanax. I mean, I could give you a bunch of them so you just go to sleep and never wake up. But I might need some of these later and just because I’m a vampire doesn’t mean I can crap diamonds or am super good at robbing banks. So let me just loosen you up a little so I can DROWN YOU IN THE TUB!

Jesus. How is that peaceful? Had she just seen Titanic? She is the worst. I bet if she wanted to kill someone she didn’t like she would drag them behind her car like the dog in Vacation. Ugh.

Meanwhile…

Lady Gaga and her new old boyfriend got fed up with Valentino and his wife so they shot them. Damn the vampires in this show are weak!

Meanwhile….

Lady Gaga tells her second ghost husband that she is gonna steal all his money from his kid. Liz and Iris buy the old maid a washer/dryer and, oh, Liz and Iris shoot Lady Gaga and her boyfriend! Can’t imagine any fallout from that.

Meanwhile….

The cop and his wife and their son (OMG WHERE IS POOR SCARLETT?) walk out of the hotel leaving poor Sally crying.

Meanwhile…

The cop tries to get back with his vampire wife and helps her gather up the wildling kids, who get thrown in the West Wing with Angela Bassett to have a chomp off.

Let that sink in for a minute. Angela Basset is in the secret wing of the hotel. Not a secret room. A whole wing. You think that Lady Gaga was so busy being glamorous for 90 years that she never walked off the steps to see that something was super wrong with the sizing on the Cortez? Gah. Her long-lost boyfriend and girlfriend are on the other side of the wall for all that time and she was too lazy to ever wonder why there seemed like there should be MORE HOTEL? Well, at least she made up for it by putting a door on it and shoving all her enemies in it. Angela Basset? In you go! My handsome husband who made fun of my monster baby? In you go! Will handsome husband become a ghost? Everyone else in the hotel has.

You know who’s NOT turning into ghosts? All the poor people getting chomped by the wild vamp kids from Bram Stoker Elementary. Those baby vamps are just running free and eating whoever gets in their way. Not really sure how that is going to tie into the rest of the show but hey, we have time. Sort of. One more episode left to wrap it all up. And if they can’t think of an ending, I am sure Turkey Skin would love it if they would bring a bunch of people into the Cortez so he can watch them get murdered or whatever it is he does.