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It has been a month and a half since I cheated on my husband and he caught me. We have decided to make this work because we really do love each other. Many of the reasons leading up to my infidelity are based on both of our inability to communicate effectively with each other.
Now we are at the stage where we are trying to work through this and learn to better communicate. I need advice on how to do support him to deal with his feelings and thoughts while effectively communicating my current needs. We are in counseling. Any help would be appreciated.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

cs2384♀ 34873Member # 34873

Posted: 4:12 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014

Right now I would suggest shelving your needs. There are two problems to work through. The affair and the issues in the marriage before the affair. Right now you have to work through the affair. Everyone has different timelines. For my BH and myself it took almost two years before we were at a point to even work on the marriage. We both had to stop blaming each other for being hurt. We focused on content communicating and a needs based marriage. If you can get through the worst of it it's really worth it. Our marriage is better than it's ever been.

WW--me 28
BH--32
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012

SandAway♀ 37775Member # 37775

Posted: 7:41 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014

Many of the reasons leading up to my infidelity are based on both of our inability to communicate effectively with each other.

First of all, this statement puts blame on your BH for your A and that is a type of rug sweeping. You need to start by putting the A completely, 100℅, in your hands. You need to understand WHY YOU decided to have an A instead of walking away. We all think we were in a shitty, unloved, unappreciated relationship and having an A was our solution to ourselves. Its an EXCUSE, nothing more. Your BH didn't drive you to screw another man, its something within yourself.

Right now you need to work on yourself while supporting your BH in anyway he needs.

Read the healing library, the JFO forum, the Betrayed Men's forum in ICR, order the book 'Emotional Infidelity' and 'Not Just Friends'. You have to work through WHY having an A was the answer to all your problems.

Honestly, put your needs on hold and work on understanding yourself. Your needs will come in time, but it is way to early to put that at the top of your list.

fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 440 | Registered: Dec 2012

SandAway♀ 37775Member # 37775

Posted: 7:49 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014

Bumped a couple posts that you should read.
The Life Boat
How much does my BS hurt

Good stuff in them.

fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 440 | Registered: Dec 2012

emaline♀ 43401Member # 43401

Posted: 10:48 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014

r these articles or posts? I cannot seem to find them in the healing library.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

cinnamongurl♀ 37879Member # 37879

Posted: 10:54 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014

Emaline, They have been bumped up to the first page of wayward. You can find them there.

Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 519 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.

emaline♀ 43401Member # 43401

Posted: 2:21 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014

Is there anyone who I can privately message. I have much I want to say but my husband and I have joined together and I want some guidance about posting so not to cause him more hurt. Thanks.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

authenticnow♀ 16024Member # 16024

Posted: 3:08 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014

Emaline,

If your H's feelings are too raw right now, why not agree not to read each other's posts for awhile? Early on, my BH was here and our both being here helped our R a lot. It gave us a lot of insight, and the feedback from others helped. We read each other's posts, just didn't post on them.

But for now, maybe it's too tough for your H. Talk to him about it and see if you both can come up with an agreement on how to handle your both being here.

Happiness is an inside job. ---William Arthur Ward

Posts: 40911 | Registered: Sep 2007

emaline♀ 43401Member # 43401

Posted: 3:45 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014

that is why i am asking about the private messages. I know that right now he does not need need to deal with my feelings but I do. I want to heal and the only way that I can is if I can talk about my feelings and navigate through them with those who have been there.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

Aubrie♀ 33886Member # 33886

Posted: 4:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014

Many of the reasons leading up to my infidelity are based on both of our inability to communicate effectively with each other.

Ehhhhh. Wrong answer. I know cause I said the same thing. He spoke his language, I spoke my own dysfunctional language. We retreated within our own selves. However, *I* am the only one who cheated. That was my choice.

Instead of taking up underwater basket weaving, I looked for dudes. I had to find my why. All of us WS do. So do you.

You didn't cheat because you asked him to take out the trash four times and he changed the oil in the car instead.

Sure. Communication or lack thereof play a part. However your cheating is fully on you.

Your "needs" need to hit the shelf for a while. You have bigger fish to fry.

I don't think PMing would be best, IMO. I think boundaries need to be set up. You don't need to read one another's posts. QS and I have that agreeement. Sometimes I need to work something out. I ask that he stay out of my thread till I wrap my head around it, then he reads it and we discuss. Many couples here have the same type of agreement, slight variation of the rules.

"You give me that bottom of the 9th, last at bat, tied game, grand slam, full of butterflies kind of feeling." - My Husband

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6782 | Registered: Nov 2011

RegretfulHusband♂ 41873Member # 41873

Posted: 5:41 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014

I agree with Aubrie, Emaline.

Secrecy and (in your own words) lack of the "ability to communicate effectively" are what you believe to be the problem.

More secrecy in the form of PMs will not help.

You can read my profile for my story, but as a Wayward, some of my "actions" (and yes, there were multiple) are HORRIBLY embarrassing - things I am absolutely ashamed of.

And yet, I can speak from experience, that you will not find a more supportive group of individuals than you will here on SI.

Be prepared - we will hit you with truth in the form of what we call "2x4s". We will call you on your bullshit and attempt to make you tell the truth and "own your shit", but only you can tell it.

If you can't be or aren't willing to be honest here with strangers who WANT to help you, and more importantly, with yourself, then frankly, there isn't much hope.

Short of incriminating yourself legally or identifying your personal information, I really encourage you to read as much as you can, and post publicly for all of us.

Thank you all for ur good advice. My BH and I were able to discuss the concerns I had Last night in a very productive therapeutic way. While I know that we have a long road ahead of us these small victories are really helping us to repair the damage done. Here is what I am facing now. I am the third woman to cheat on my husband. The past two times he has gone out and had sex with someone else to as he puts it even the score so that he could move forward with R with these women and they ultimately failed. He does not want to do this with me but he wants to move forward in R and firmly believes that this has to happen. He is actively seeking a woman to do this with. My question is how do I support him in this when I truly believe that this will only set us back as well as deal with my feelings that he despises the fact that I used completely inappropriate coping mechanisms to deal with my stress yet it seems like he is doing the same thing. Help

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

Aubrie♀ 33886Member # 33886

Posted: 8:45 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

The past two times he has gone out and had sex with someone else to as he puts it even the score so that he could move forward with R with these women and they ultimately failed. He does not want to do this with me but he wants to move forward in R and firmly believes that this has to happen.

So in order to heal, he has to be a cheater too. Hmm ok.

Here's the issue with that "logic".

His cheating on you will not even the score.

First, you know its coming. Doesn't have the same blindsiding, devastating, shocking JFO feeling.

Second, is he going to fuck her the same amount of times you did OM? For the same amount of minutes? In the same positions? Because if he fucks her for three hours and you only did it for one, well then he's ahead of you by two hours. Is he going to wine and dine her a few times before? I mean, there are a bazillion variables.

And at the end of the day. It doesn't really matter. It will make him the same as you. A cheater. With issues. And of he wants R, that's going to complicate things. Because you are now betrayed too. So all the transparency, the open book, the IC, the endless questions, the timelines, yep. He gets to do all that for you. And instead of healing from ONE betrayal, y'all now have two.

Down in the I Can Relate forum is a thread for madhatters. They are both betrayed and wayward. I suggest you send hubby dearest down there to take a gander. When he sees the additional struggle those folks go thru, he may think twice.

And BTW....there are countless men on this site that didn't have to, nor want to lay down their integrity and fidelity to heal. They did it the real way. They did it the healthy way.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:46 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

"You give me that bottom of the 9th, last at bat, tied game, grand slam, full of butterflies kind of feeling." - My Husband

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6782 | Registered: Nov 2011

emaline♀ 43401Member # 43401

Posted: 11:26 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

So i totally understand what you are saying but I understand why my BH feels this way and I want to support him. What I really need is to hear from someone who has been there done that and how they handled it. I am praying that he will not have to go through with it, but I am also not going to leave him if he does.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

emaline♀ 43401Member # 43401

Posted: 8:17 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

So we presented this problem in MC and the counselor gave us a really crazy idea that I wanted to put out there for everyone else to judge. He said that instead of my husband going out and having meaningless one time physical sex with no emotional connection at all with a woman that he should date one of my friends and develop an emotional connection with them in order for him to get over my cheating.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

Aubrie♀ 33886Member # 33886

Posted: 8:23 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

He said that instead of my husband going out and having meaningless one time physical sex with no emotional connection at all with a woman that he should date one of my friends and develop an emotional connection with them in order for him to get over my cheating.

Fire that idiot! Holy buckets what a moron. So instead of a physical affair he's condoning and ADVISING an emotional affair? What is the freaking difference? Nothing.

I had four emotional affairs. Ask my husband how much they hurt him.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:24 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]

"You give me that bottom of the 9th, last at bat, tied game, grand slam, full of butterflies kind of feeling." - My Husband

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6782 | Registered: Nov 2011

Jovie♀ 41956Member # 41956

Posted: 7:49 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014

I can't believe your MC suggested that. You need to run far away from him and find someone more qualified.

I agree with the others that have said you need to put your needs aside for now. Supporting your BH in handling his emotions is one thing, but I don't think you need to be supporting his desire to have a revenge affair (RA). Has he acknowledged how it has not worked out for him in the past??

On our roller coaster ride through reconciliation, BH mentioned a few times that he wanted to have an RA and even got a girls number at one point. I didn't necessarily feel I had any right to be mad or discourage him from going farther, but I did make it clear that I didn't think it would help the situation. I think you need to do the same. You can tell him you want to support the marriage and healing, but you will not condone an affair. Part of communicating better is total honesty.

Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13
TT - 12/15/14

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jan 2014

emaline♀ 43401Member # 43401

Posted: 1:45 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014

I guess it all comes down to what u r willing to live with. My BH did not ask to have to chose to stay with me after I cheated. I guess I see his need for this as the same as the need I felt when I cheated with the same attitude. While I wholeheartedly believe that having sex outside of marriage is the wrong (something I have always truly believed and only after this episode of breaking that belief that have I realized that is the core of my problem, I have been living my life so long as a hypocrite and I finally have the motivation to really change my behaviour so that my actions reflect my beliefs), he felt the same way and yet he has chosen to stay with me. I totally get where he is coming from and no matter what I will love and support him in anyway I can.and I am trusting this to God. He put us together and I know that He wants us to be together.

FWW:37, commited to reconciling with BH:39, married 7 months

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA

Mrs Panda♀ 27303Member # 27303

Posted: 4:44 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014

Here is how I see your stitch

You are both wayward thinkers. You blame the other person for your own choices. You naively think that Fate will keep you together.

marriages require work, and neither of you seems willing to do it.

And to boot, you seem to have found the worst marriage counselor in the history of SI.

Look, I'm a Christian, so I get the whole God angle. However, you cannot sit on your hands, watch crap happen, and be all, "Oh He'll bring me thru the other siiiide."

The God I know expects a person to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and dig in. Yes He will help guide you. Yes He will give you strength. But you will be expected to do the hard work, face your consequences, and whatnot. Kwim?

TBH, I feel bad for you. You feel so little of yourself that you are willing to accept the garbage your "marriage counselor" gave you and accept the junk your husband calls "healing and R". A retaliation affair is not healing. Its not R. He's every bit as wayward as you. Y'all got a tough row to hoe unless you can find your gumption.

Is your husband posting here? Is he getting support and advice?

"You give me that bottom of the 9th, last at bat, tied game, grand slam, full of butterflies kind of feeling." - My Husband