Uncertainty

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” –Buddha

Sunset on Lake Harriet in Minneapolis

I can’t believe its been a month since I’ve last written here. What I had planned to be such a wonderful initiative has somehow faded away into obscurity. I’m realizing more than ever now that this blog needs to an outlet for me. A voice. Something replacing all those handwritten diaries that I’d kept for years. Perhaps someday it will become the blog I envisioned. A blog about enjoying life beyond 40 and offering all the wonderful variety of posts I currently write on my primary blog, thirdeyemom. But for now, I need this blog to be my space. To write whatever I feel like. And if no one responds, that is ok. Yet if my words resonate with someone else than all the better. For words are powerful and can change the world.

Life just hasn’t been too easy these days. I had thought that the storms had passed. But sadly I’m wrong. Now I’m back in the deep anxiety and despair of uncertainty just like I was a month or so ago. Cancer sucks. I honestly am not sure how to handle this new, extremely difficult path. It is not something I’ve dealt with before. Yes, I survived severe postpartum depression, the worst time of my life when I didn’t even know if I’d make it through that deep, dark tunnel. But this is different. It isn’t about me. It is about someone I love. Someone I love dearly. And it is so f*ing hard. Harder than I ever imagined.

So how do you react when you fear the worst about the fate of someone you love with all your heart? Before I had a family, I would have curled up in a ball and hid under the covers in bed. I would have cried and cried and cried. I would have yelled out, been mad at the world, not understood, and want to run away. Yet now with a family and responsibilities, I’ve grown up and realized that I can’t behave so selfishly in times of despair. My children need me, and I need them.

Dealing with a life-threatening illness of a parent that you love is heartbreakingly hard especially when that person is your rock. My father has always been the one to encourage me beyond belief. He has always been there when I needed someone the most. His love for me has made me who I am, an open-hearted, worldly women who is invigorated by life, who loves the outdoors and is curious about the world.

I’d been impacted by cancer years ago as my mother is a survivor. Yet when she had cancer I was only ten and my parents tried to protect us. Let us enjoy our childhood and not understand the horror, uncertainty and fear of what cancer can do.

Now I’m a grown up adult who understands what cancer can do. How it can cut a life short and take it away. How uncertain it is and how uncertain the future may be.

I just hope I have the strength to survive whatever news I hear. Of course these are heavy words. I know I will survive. Yet a big piece of my heart and being is at stake. So now I will stick to the moment. Of taking each day as it comes and try to keep the glimmer of hope alive. For that is all I have.