50 MOST COMMONparenting questions

We've answered the most common questions from parents.

A child's self put-downs can be heart-breaking for a parent, but it's important that you be strong and challenge them. "That's a put-down and there's no need for it" is the type of response you can make.

Children who constantly put themselves down are often discouraged. If this is the case make sure he receives plenty of first class encouragement to help him think "I'm okay as I am."

Some children will put themselves down to lower the expectations of others or to avoid activities. If this is the case - and your gut reaction will tell you - then make sure their behaviour doesn't work. Keep your expectations realistic and don't let them get out of doing an activity, even if they just make a decent attempt.

Some children who put themselves down are perfectionists. They are excpeptionally hard on themselves and avoid doing activities because they won't be perfect. Help them understand mistakes are central to learning and that their fear of failure is understandable but essentially unhealthy.

Some kids put themselves down because it's a behaviour they've learned from home. Do a self-check and make sure you model healthy responses to experiences of difficulty such as persistence, effort and optimistic thinking.

Backchat and defiance go hand-in-hand. Behind most conflict between kids and parents are the deeper issues of Power (I’m the boss of you!), Position ( I’m your parent!) and Prestige (What will others think of me if I let you get away with this?). Last-wordedness and comeback lines threaten our position, our prestige and they are about power. Most parents respond to impulsively to backchat with anger or with defiant words, which encourages more defiance. The key is to remove yourself from the power play. Here are some ideas:

As children become adolescents the more influence peers have on their thinking, attitudes, values and behaviour. For a young person, resisting peer influence can mean isolation or instant ostracism, so it sometimes takes great strength of will to refuse to follow the crowd. Here are some ideas to help:

Help children and teens say no and save face and maintain their status.

Encourage your people to gain some thinking time when they feel uncomfortable with a peer’s request.

Encourage them to think through the consequences of decisions.

Discuss the impact of peer pressure and that it makes them feel unsafe.

Allow your kids to hold opinions different to your own so that they don’t always feel they have to please others.

It’s good to see you want to leave smacking out of your parenting toolkit. Generally family discipline should fit in with the discipline methods used in schools and child care centres. Here are some alternatives:

Avoid your first impulse to smack. Walk away or do something different if you can.

For very young children try distraction, diversion or move them to a different area.

Use alternatives such as time-out or a thinking spot to get some calm or change the situation.

Many children have fears that surface at various times in their lives. Some are developmental, some triggered by an event and some learned from others. Try these ideas to help your child cope with fears:

1. Help your child distinguish between caution and fear.

2. Affirm their fears but don’t let them stop him or her from being brave.

3. Reassure them with the truth that you can’t guarantee their safety, but there are steps to take to reduce the likelihood of harm.

4. Kids take solace in action so teach them some skills to cope.

5. Confidence is catching so show your confidence in your child’s ability to deal with their fears.

Developing and maintaining friendships is a dynamic process. It comes naturally to some children, but others can be coached to be more social.

Teach social skills such as how to start up a conversation, how to be a good winner and loser, and how to hold the interest of others during a conversation.

Provide opportunities for your child to have friends at your place after school or on weekends so that friendships can develop.

Encourage your child to participate in out-of-school activities or groups that may provide opportunities to meet new people away from the peer groups at school. Friendships formed through shared interests are often very strong.

Limit the time spent in solitary activities if your child appears to have few friends. Be humane and kind but don’t be afraid to insist children mix with others of their own age.

Expose your child to a variety of different children to help them find like-minded souls.