Month: December 2015

I usually engage in pleasantries and such at the beginning of my entries. Not today, y’all. Not today.

Apparently, according to the Destroyer, everyone in his grade except him is dating and our policy has made him a pariah. (Not true, unlike his mother, the Destroyer is popular.) I think I’ve touched on the whole middle school dating thing in the past, but I’m much too lazy to go back and look it up, much less link it here. However, the Big Man and I have decided that no one here dates until they are sixteen. Why? I’m glad you asked Or didn’t. Whatever, this is MY blog. Note: this focuses on the Destroyer because that’s who I just argued with. I’m sure when I fight with Wondergirl about this it will be entertainment at its finest. And you’ll get to read all about it.

1.) Responsible dating requires good decision making. Something the Destroyer has a hard time with. This is a boy who borrowed $190 Beats headphones from a friend and promptly got them stolen because he left them in his open backpack. Like, immediately. He just now requested that we buy him a steel door for his room. Because we live on the Starship Enterprise.

2.) It also requires trying to keep a 14-year-old girl happy. Never, ever, in the history of humanity, has there existed a perpetually happy 14-year-old girl. Never. (We never think about it, but you know that at one point Michelle Obama threw herself on her bed and cried because she was the only one who could go to a Marvin Gaye concert. YOU KNOW SHE DID.) Listen, I was a fourteen year old girl. Which means I was the star of my own tragic soap opera. As are most 14-year-old girls. I absolutely do not want my son to feel responsible for that. (Also, for future reference, I do not want Wondergirl to inflict that on someone’s son. Although, to be fair, in her case it absolutely would involve bail.)

So, I know I use Storm a lot, but sometimes she has like, zero chill.

3.) This may sound a bit callous, but raising kids is an investment. I mean, food, gas, sports equipment, and–most of all–time. If I’m putting all that into my son, I expect to see a return on my investment. I don’t need some girl turning his head, distracting him, and possibly ruining that. And, I’m about to be real you guys, if some girl does, she’s going to have to pay me back. Oh, y’all think I’m playing? I’m dead serious. I will have my hand out and she will have to run me my coins. To the tune of $75, 000. (Figures are approximate. But I remain dead serious.) That’s a lot of overtime at Chick-Fil-A or wherever the kids are working these days.

I don’t know. I know that a lot of parents feel confident in letting their kids make the choice to date in middle school. I’m probably taking the easy way out. Which is what I do. See the above statement about laziness.

So the pie thing shockingly well. I didn’t burn the house down, and the pie was not only edible, it was good. Take that, um…cooking, I guess? Anyway, other than that, I haven’t really been up to much. Unlike everyone else I know.

I mean, so many of the people around me have been running around like chickens with their heads cut off. (I have never seen that phrase in print before, it’s kind of gross, huh?) I’ve avoided the pressure because of one thing: I’m really good at making excuses. Like, really good. So good, in fact, that I’m going to share my list with you.

“I had Taco Bell today.” This is a good one, because no one will question you after that, for a couple of reasons: 1) They absolutely DO NOT want to hear what happened after that, and 2) every person in America and probably Germany has a Taco Bell story. (My husband has a Taco Bell legend.) They already know what’s up. However, you can only use this one once every few weeks, otherwise people will think you’re either a masochist or just plain stupid

“Not unless you want to help me move.” It’s surprising how well this one works, considering people don’t generally move that often. It’s one of those things that people don’t even want to risk walking into. I personally used this one three weekends in a row a while back, and it worked every. Single. Time. Even though I haven’t moved in eight years.

“I don’t have a babysitter.” This one has a limited life span, since once your oldest hits the teen years it becomes assumed that you have a built in baby-sitter. I have the great fortune of having the Destroyer as my oldest, and everyone know that ain’t nobody trying to leave him in a house alone with, well, furniture and dishes and windows and such. However, if your kids fall in the 1-7 age range, you’re golden. Especially if you have more than two. It also helps if you happen to have the spawn of the Devil himself. Or if your daughter may be a sociopath.

Seriously, no one wanted to baby sit. Ever.

“I’m broke.” Cause nobody wants to pay for you. Or maybe it’s just me-no one wants to pay for me. Not even for the sheer pleasure of my presence. Just kidding, I have like, three friends, and one of them is married to me and he has no choice but to pay. I also have no job.

“I don’t feel like it.” Okay, so be careful with this one. It’s a classic, but keep this in mind: This one is for the professional lazybones ONLY. You have to be soooo lazy that you’re not even up to inventing a legitimate excuse. Or, in my case, so lazy that you probably have a real reason for your inability to do something and you’re not even up to sharing THAT. Also, the “I don’t feel like it” requires real conviction–you must not be talked into feeling like it. It doesn’t matter what “it” is, you have already professed your feelings or lack thereof and THAT IS THE END. FINITO. The “I don’t feel like it” must be resistant to tears, begging, anger, and bribery. That’s right, you don’t even feel like taking something you want to do something you don’t. THAT, my friends, is excusery (not a word? It is now) at it’s finest.

There you go. You are very welcome, because I have saved you from drudgery and irritation. Did I miss any?