Friday, November 16, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Hong Kong’s Causeway Bay has become the world’s most expensive retail address, beating out New York’s 5th Ave. However, American taxpayers know there are no more expensive streets than Washington D.C.’s K Street where the lobbyist offices are and Congress’ Pennsylvania Ave.

Thousands of United Airlines passengers were stranded across the country due to computer problems. Or as United customers call that, “Tuesday”.

The Census Bureau says the Latino poverty rate in the U.S. is 28%. Which is good news for Latinos who hoped someday to be as well off as white people in America.

Ron Paul gave a farewell speech to Congress where he said the Internet is the alternative to the “government media complex” that controls the news. Although people are wondering how the answer to government controlled news is to look at porn?

Ron Paul gave a farewell speech to Congress where he said the Internet is the alternative to the “government media complex” that controls the news. Which is fine if you would rather just get conspiracy laden rants from tin foil hat wearing survivalists holed up in their parents’ basement.

The Pentagon spend $1.5 Million last year trying to develop a new roll up beef jerky. Or they could have gone down to any 7-11 and spent 99 cents on a Slim Jim.

A public health proposal considers forcing smokers to get mandatory smoking licenses. Either that or wearing a scarlet “S” on their clothing.

A public health proposal considers forcing smokers to get mandatory smoking licenses. The question is, would there be a test with that license? What would they test on, match striking? lighter flicking? Smoke ring blowing? And would it be a valid ID at the voting polls?

A public health proposal considers forcing smokers to get mandatory smoking licenses. Since when do you need a license to blow smoke? Congress has been doing it without getting licensed for years.

The Postal Service lost $15.9 Billion in 2011. Apparently “Forever” stamps are just telling us how long it will take for them to get out of debt.

The Postal Service lost $15.9 Billion in 2011. Apparently they have decided the only way to justify that kind of spending is to invade Mexico for its oil.

The Postal Service says it will run out of cash by October, 2013 without some action by Congress. To which Congress says “Don’t look at us, we ran out of cash in 2001.”

The Postal Service says it will run out of cash by October, 2013 without some action by Congress. Which is ironic since usually any action by Congress ends up with everyone going even further in the red.

Montana says it will not pay a legislator in silver and gold as he requested. However, they did make a deal to compensate him in tokens from Chuck E. Cheese.

Montana says it will not pay a legislator in silver and gold as he requested. Instead, he’ll take a stuffed and mounted deer head, a pair of snowshoes and a weekend getaway to the Super 8 Motel in Whitefish.

A Rhode Island man was arrested for trying to pass counterfeit $100 bills with Lincoln’s picture on them. He almost got away with it since no one in this country has even seen a $100 bill since 2005.

Attorney General Eric Holder says the investigation into BP Gulf Oil Spill will continue. People were surprised. No one even knew that an investigation had started yet.

The former comptroller for Dixon, Illinois has pleaded guilty to stealing $53 Million from the city. Townspeople were shocked. Where did Dixon, Illinois get its hands on $53 Million?

The former comptroller for Dixon, Illinois has pleaded guilty to stealing $53 Million from the city. Authorities became suspicious when someone in Dixon, Illinois actually had some extra spending cash.

The SEC says it has received more than 3,000 tips from whistleblowers in the first year of its program. The question is, why are there 3,000 people out there who know who the crooks are on Wall Street but the SEC has no clue?

The European economy is said to have returned to a recession. Which is good news for the people of Greece who were in a full scale depression.

The European economy is said to have returned to a recession. To which economic experts are asking when they ever left?

McDonald’s has fired its U.S. chief after a sales decline. Losing sales of fast food to Americans is like a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon not being able to unload his supply of Botox.

A study says that seeing green while working out can boost a person’s mood and performance. Although that same person will see red when they get on the scale afterwards and see they have gained 20 pounds.

The CEO of 5 Hour Energy drink denies his product is linked to 13 recent deaths. Apparently the problem is that those people used his product and tried to stay active for six hours.

A study says that U.S. adults get as many calories from alcohol as they do from sugary drinks. Especially the ones who like to drink a 50-50 rum and Coke.

A study says that U.S. adults get as many calories from alcohol as they do from sugary drinks. Mostly the ones with a cheap bartender who puts in way more mixer than booze.

A study says that mothers who drink moderately during their pregnancy may lower their child’s IQ. Of course, any woman that drinks moderately while pregnant isn’t going to be passing down a lot of IQ points to begin with.

The CDC says that 30 of the largest 50 U.S. cities have gone smoke free. However, the other 20 that still have a lot of smokers won’t be among the largest cities for long.

A study says that health and happiness are not always linked. Apparently that gives some credibility to the old belief about fat people always being jolly.

A study says that health and happiness are not always linked. Especially right after you open your doctor’s bill.

Crackerjack is putting out a new product called Cracker Jack’d which contains caffeine. Because what more would a parent want than to see their child on a sugar induced high now also fueled up for the entire night with a dose of caffeine?

Crackerjack is putting out a new product called Cracker Jack’d which contains caffeine. Apparently after all that sugar and caffeine, the company is making the prize inside a tablet of Xanax.

Cinemark theaters will reward moviegoers for not texting during shows. Now all they need to do to enhance the theater experience is get people to stop making phone calls, talking, eating loudly or talking to the screen.

Taylor Swift will write an love column for Seventeen Magazine. Having Taylor Swift giving advice about love is like taking golf lessons from Charles Barkley.

Taylor Swift will write an love column for Seventeen Magazine. Having Taylor Swift give advice about love is like having Kim Kardashian as a marriage counselor.

Taylor Swift will write an love column for Seventeen Magazine. She will give advice to the girls. Apparently they are still trying to work out a deal for relationship advice to boys from Tiger Woods.

Kim Kardashian is going to attend the Marine Corps Ball in North Carolina. Who arranged that appearance, General Petraeus?

A rumor around Hollywood says that Justin Bieber proposed to Selena Gomez before she broke up with him. Apparently she dumped him when his Cootie test came back positive.

Star Wars action figures and dominoes have been selected to the National Toys Hall of Fame. Which is a real coincidence since original “Luke Skywalker” Mark Hamill now delivers pizzas for Domino’s.

Cable companies say they won’t disconnect accused pirates. Mostly because those are the only customers they have that aren’t complaining about the service and cost.

Cable companies say they won’t disconnect accused pirates. Although they will drive them insane by making every available channel QVC.

The CIA says it will probe the “general conduct” of David Petraeus. Of course all evidence points to his conduct being pretty normal for any general.

A study says 86% of Americans are using their seatbelts, a record. Apparently they like to be strapped in so they don’t have to worry about falling out of the car while they are texting.

A study says 86% of Americans are using their seatbelts, a record. The other 14% aren’t wearing them because they are usually pushing their cars since they can’t afford to put any gas into them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know everyone is getting ready for Thanksgiving so just consider this blog the early turkey gift from me. now all you need to do in return is remember to send the love!