Volume 1 #34 (December 23-29, 1998)

Pensacola News Urinal

A popular feature in Boogie Pensacola
was its satire page. Much of the humor has references specific
to Pensacola or to the news of the day, or both, so that's my excuse
if it's not funny now! It might help to know that Pensacola's
daily newspaper is called the News Journal ...

WEDNESDAY
DECEMBER 23, 1998

Livingston resigns.
Videotape shows pirate suit.

P E N S A C O L ANews
Urinal

100% Pure Satire!

Nothing on this page is true!

Santa Claus Impeached

BY KEN
GAILLOT

The U.S. Congress voted overwhelmingly yesterday to impeach
Santa Claus on two articles.

The usually jolly old elf has been on the defensive ever
since he was accused of having an affair with the Tooth Fairy
in Robert Devereaux's new book Santa Steps Out.

The articles of impeachment accuse "Kris Jefferson Kringle III"
of perjury before a grand jury and obstructing justice by using
the powers of knowing who's been naughty and nice to blackmail
investigators.

Mrs. Claus has steadfastly stood by her man, issuing a
statement that "good boys and girls are more concerned with my
husband's work on the economy and social justice than with
politically inspired attacks," adding that she forgives him and
"that fairy tramp."

Democrats 2, Republicans 0

BY KEN
GAILLOT

The effort to oust President Clinton from office claimed another
victim last weekend as House Speaker-elect Bob Livingston
announced his resignation before he even took office.

The Louisiana Republican was forced to admit adultery after
a journalist threatened to expose Livingston's past. Livingston
became the second Republican to resign from office because of
fallout from Clinton's blow job from an intern. The first,
Newt Gingrich, resigned after his party fared dismally in
November elections due to voters' unhappiness with their handling
of the impeachment process.

Two other Republican Congresscritters, Henry Hyde and Helen
Chenoweth, have been forced to admit to affairs, but neither
has resigned. Clinton's behind-the-scenes "scorched earth" defense
has many Republicans jittery. A guitar-playing Panhandle
Representative was recently seen jumping at his shadow.

"I will not be intimidated by these efforts," said Livingston
on Thursday when he admitted his indiscretions. "These efforts
will NOT deter me from performing my sworn duty under the
Constitution as a member of Congress."

Two days later, he announced his resignation.

"OK, I wasn't intimidated on Thursday," he said, "but I
didn't realize they had videotape. For the record, yes, that
was me in the pirate suit."

"Read my lips: no new nipples."
-- John Phlegming, city attorney

City Restricts Strippers

BY KEN
GAILLOT

The Pensacola City Council last week approved a proposal to
place new restrictions on "adult entertainment establishments,"
which means anything ever having anything to do with sex. The
main targets are strip clubs, but bookstores and other businesses
could also be affected.

Existing strip clubs as well as potential new ones will have
to pay a $400 "application fee," but they will be allowed to
pay it in one dollar bills. Lap dancing is now forbidden in
Pensacola.

In addition, new rules apply only to new strip clubs, which
have the effect of making it impossible for new clubs to compete.
Dancers at new strip clubs will be prohibited from showing their
nipples or butts, and must keep three feet away from customers
at all times, meaning that customers must throw dollar bills in
their general direction.

"Read my lips: No new nipples," said city attorney John
Phlegming. "The human body is disgusting and evil. I bet those
people have sex with the lights on."

Florida Mourns Governor

BY KEN
GAILLOT

Tens of thousands of Floridians paid their respects last
week to Governor Lawton Chiles after he passed away suddenly.
His funeral procession repeated the famous journey from
Century to Tallahassee that earned him the nickmame "That Guy
Who Walked A Hell Of A Long Way."

The wily old politician, known warmly as the "He-Coon," was
famous for his down-to-earth manner and folksy sayings.

"This is peachy as blackberry possum pie," he used to say
when vetoing bills. "Coon possum coon coon."

The governor was as well known for his sense of humor as
for his efforts on behalf of schoolchildren and lost puppies.
In one often-repeated practical joke, he dressed up in a gorilla
suit and attacked members of the press corps until someone would
shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.

Florida said goodbye not only to a governor, but to an era,
the last of the He-Coons.