We're here to help

Is this what it's come to?

Is this what it's come to?

Once again, it's the best time of the college sports calendar. School pride abound; kids and alumni alike chanting, "WE ARE" — something meaningful — "!" as mascots rouse them from courtside. But if you think about all that, it's a bit strange. Why are people from D.C. calling themselves Hoyas? Or a bunch of upstate New Yorkers, Orange?

We're not going to say that having a school nickname is idiotic. Not at all. But it's hard to argue that a number of them couldn't be vastly improved by, say, a liberal application of Reason, and History, and, most importantly: Ecology. In any case, enforcing a rational mascot-naming process is preferable to slapping yet another jungle cat indigenous to the Orient beneath a middle-American university's name and having it dance around the sidelines and hug children. So we took it upon ourselves to do just that for seven of this year's tourney contenders.

Ohio State Buckeyes

Ohio State Buckeyes

Problem: The buckeye tree literally stinks and doesn't burn well, and its nuts are potentially poisonous, and from behind the mascot looks like a cartoon version of Greg Oden's testicle wearing a cap and rugby shirt.

Solution: The Armstrongs. As in Neil Armstrong — Ohio native, American hero. Built-in motto ("Small steps. Giant leaps.") and mascot (astronaut; just spray paint over that thing). It's time to honor this man. No joke.