Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Happiness

Sometimes, I go crazy just looking at the bills i have to pay. Once work started, everything came rolling in. And yesterday was a night of calculation, with salary at the very beginning, and endless compulsory expenditure following. In conclusion, a pair of shoes per month will kill me. Then i get that crazy weight on my shoulders, how do i solve this? I use to think that sales will help, but not if the company doesn't pay commission on sales closed, only after furnitures are delivered. Well, i guess this is growing up. This is getting a job, this is life.

Stroll around in my small rectangle room. It's quite spacious. I need a study lamp so i can fall asleep after reading a book without having to get up. Picked up the guitar and played happy songs. Then i felt happy again. With absolutely no plans what should i do. Maybe i should start being real thrifty, i don't know. But i was happy again.

Look, I drew my room.

So work sort of makes me unhappy. Eddie was fired few weeks ago, and like we all do, we move on and adjust. Work things around it, and everyone probably pick up a little bit more to do. I have gym to look forward to every Tuesday and Thursday, cause that is when Muay Thai happens. I sort of signed up without doing the financial calculation first, irene oh irene. Since i signed up, might as well make the best of it. It makes me happy.

Look at the impossible amount of work on my desk and in my head.

I'm a quitter, I guess I have been since a kid. But i always manage to find an excuse to comfort myself. Like learning arithmetics, with abacus. I was 7 or 8. I quit after i learn plus and minus, so close to graduating but i quit. Telling myself that in high school everyone uses calculator, true enough. Then my internship, i quit after they offered me a permanent job. There are few things i stuck until the very end, like Japanese class... actually i think that's all. I get frightened. Like relationships, the past one i stuck at it until it wouldn't move anymore. Even until there was another person, i begged that he leave her.

I graduated first class last year, international marketing. Look how proud i am. I got to wear a gold robe. GOLD MUTHAFUCKER. GOLD.

And while everyone else started working in big companies and banks, i stumbled onto this one, and started selling outdoor furnitures. Until today.

While being unhappy at this, I was taking a drive home on a busy Friday night. Stuck in the jam, in the noise, in the mess. Tired, sales are down, it's Saturday tomorrow and I have to work. Never have time to date, probably thats where things might break. Unhappy and in tears at the realization.

And guess what, i decided that i will continue my studies. In that instant moment, i know i will go.

Psychology. So that i can come back and psycho everyone. Loan and scholarships. Plus, lots and lots of prayer. I'm quite broke, remember?