Now you can own the flowing locks that witnessed four seasons of laughable underachievement (!!!).

Jose Reyes last cut his hair in 2007, he says. But now that he’s a Miami Marlin, he will have to abide by the team’s policy, which says that players should keep it tight up top. So, last week, our favorite showboating shortstop cut his dreads live on the MLB Network, and the resulting clump of hair was donated to the Make-A-WishFoundation to be auctioned off. Behold:

Lovely. Good work on the charity. But seriously, who would want this? That clump of hair has seen a historic collapse, years of underachievement, a big-market team losing nearly all its money, and, undoubtedly, the loins of dozens (hundreds?) of conquests, including Reyes’ Philly-native baby mama. No thanks.