I don’t know about you guys, but just reading the phrase “Guy Fieri’s Grown Ups Chili” caused my tips to spontaneously frost themselves and my cat grew a goatee. That’s right, Happy Madison took a trip to Flavortown and the mayor named some slop after them. Amazing. And yes, the first two ingredients are butter and bacon grease. Be sure to set some aside for your pinky later, you’ll need to lube it up if you want to get those rings off after your fingers swell up from the sodium.

According to the tweet, from the Grown Ups 2 account, the stars of the film will be appearing in an episode of DDD tonight. As a guy who had a trough of McDonald’s cheeseburgers at his wedding (ALLEGEDLY, apocryphally, etc.), Kevin James seems like Guy Fieri’s ideal customer. Though if anyone from Grown Ups 2 was going to be on a show called “DDD,” I would’ve assumed it’d be Salma Hayek, gnome sayin’? OH! (*holds hands in front of chest, smokes cigarette behind the head*)

In the pantheon of movie-related foods, is this not the most perfect crossover ever? People love to hate Guy Fieri, but he’s the best. He’s just so goddamn perfect. People try to parody him and he constantly outdoes them, with a smile on his face. How could you hate a guy like that? I want to beer bong Guy’s Grown Ups chili while a deer pisses in my face and Smash Mouth sings a summer anthem about getting chocolate wasted.

“Brother, that gay carwash was so funny I almost choked on my corndog! Four metal fingers way up!” -Guy Fieri Hammond, Chef/Film Critic

In the first picture, Spade looks unhappy because he’s keenly aware that Fieri’s hand is really a captive bolt gun, about to be fired into his head. (Spade volunteered for this after filming “Grown Ups 2″…he’s just having the usual second thoughts at the moment of his death.)

I try so hard to hate Fieri, but DD&D showcases some pretty great restaurants. His shtick is the worst but he knows what he’s talking about.
But really, F the whole Happy Madison $100 dollar bill printing press operation.

Kevin James needs to play a heroin addict in a really dark comedy. He should still do all the pratfalls, but now, they’re serious. People won’t laugh when he tips over and smashes a table because he’s high on smack, or when he pretends he can fight MMA athletes and gets his face broken because the big H has given him delusions of grandeur. And being a Mall Cop? Named Blart? A junkies’ dream.