Saturday, September 29, 2012

What I mean by giving up is that I had tried speaking
directly to the dorm full of kids partying who made lots of racket and they
would be quiet for a few minutes, but then they would become loud once
again.Some nights, before I “gave up,”
I would yell across the courtyard at them to shut up.When I gave up, I gave up fighting to try to
get some sleep.I just accepted what was
and tried to occupy my time productively… sometimes more so than others.

So things proceeded until the evening of September 11, 2001.I do not remember anything particularly about
the day, but that evening I started to feel super sick to my stomach and
fuzzy-headed pretty much all of the sudden.These feelings and sensations set in sometime before 8pm.In Australia
it is 12 hours different from the east coast of the USA.My roommates, by this time, knew not to
bother me if I was trying to sleep.Surprisingly, this time I was able to fall quickly to sleep.I slept well, in a way… well compared to the
sleep I had been getting.But I was dreaming
amazingly strange dreams.In my dreams I
was viewing two realities at once.One
was what it was… the other was me trying to interpret it in real time… trying
to make it my own when, in fact, it was not my experience at all.

Around 10:30pm
someone came rapping roughly on my door, calling out to me.I guess it was rather difficult to rouse me,
that’s how deeply I was sleeping (totally uncharacteristic of my month
there!).Felicia, Josefine and Keefe
were yelling that the TwinTowers
had been bombed and I needed to wake up and come see.

My dorm did not have a TV in it.We didn’t buy one together and no one person
had bought one for the apartment dorm.So, my friends took me over to one of their dorms.It was totally dark by this time, so I
remember disjointed moments of walking with a flashlight bouncing ahead of
us.I also remember my friends talk to
me, but feeling completely out of place… like I was in the wrong reality…
almost like I didn’t really know where I was.I woke up well enough, I suppose, by the time we arrived at my friend’s
dorm apartment.

My friends sat me down in front of the TV.I was sitting on the floor.The TV was already on playing and re-playing
horrific scenes of devestation: the TwinTowers being bombed, a plane crash,
an attack on the Pentagon.My friends
were upset, but they had seen these things a few times (for the most part),
they were watching me (I realized later).

At first the feeling of being in the wrong reality persisted
and I felt only confusion.I saw what
was going on in the scenes on the news, but I felt so very strange because I
felt like that was where I actually was, not where I was actually sitting.And then it hit me like a ton of bricks!I’d been dreaming the things I was now
watching on the news.I’d seen almost
exactly the same things as the news was showing.The only difference is that in the dreams,
I’d actually BEEN there and felt the fear and concern and terror of a few
different people.In these dreams I was
myself (interpreting the dream in real time) and I was also the person actually
living the horror.In one, I was a woman
who ran from a Tower or a building that fell.She/I was holding a baby.She/I
tripped and the baby flew forward out of her/my reach.She called out, “Where is my baby?Is she okay?”I called out, “Where is my baby?Is he okay?”In another moment, I
was a person standing a few blocks away when the first plane flew in to the
Tower.I saw it because I was walking in
that direction.I stopped walking and
stood in abject horror as I realized what had just happened.The true depravity of the situation finally
sunk in and I called someone on my phone, but the phone would not work.As myself, Tori, in Perth,
I dreamed the exact same things, but the setting was the downtown area of Perth.The exact same things transpired, just in the
environment I was familiar with.Although I’ve been to New York,
I never saw the TwinTowers
in real life before.There was another
experience of split experience versus dream, but I cannot remember it at this
time.

I’ve come to understand, after these 11 years, that Heavenly
Father accomplishes so much with and through us with each and every little
experience of our lives.For instance,
the False Flag of September 11th is a blight in the memory and
experience of most people who know about it.However, there were innumerable miracles and blessings that came about
as a result of that devastating attack.While
I refer to miracles, I do refer to miracles in an overall sense.But I also believe (have heard) that there
were miracles wrought in the lives of many individuals as a result of this
experience.

Before I made the trip to Oz, I’d begun guided imagery
meditation.I wanted to become more in
tune with the universe and develop my psychic abilities (please remember I was
not going to church at all at this time of my life, so referring to psychic
abilities as Spiritual Gifts was beyond my ken).I did my meditation a few times once I was
there, but nothing really regular.However, I do realize that it was those meditation experiences that
enabled me to be the tool I was for Heavenly Father on the 11th of September 2001.I believe Heavenly Father used my spiritual
strength to help others who physically lived within the attack zone to endure
what they went through.

I was not as strong as I needed to me, though.I was ill equipped to deal with having a
psychic experience!I felt like I was
going absolutely NUTS.Seriously.I know now, what I know about God using me,
but I had not frame of reference for such a consideration back then!

My Mom pulled me back from the brink a few times.Her calm, soothing voice, sometimes stern and
forceful… other times sweet and uplifting… I know that my Mom is the biggest
reason I’m still able to function today.Jessie helped, too.But he wasn’t
really able to call often and I certainly wasn’t able to call him.My creative writing class and painting class
helped tremendously as well.Having
those two outlets by which to purge the “crazies” helped me process through the
feelings, reactions and dreams I had for months after the attacks.

Friday, September 28, 2012

I picked up some more chickens this week. Six hens and 1 roo. All are around 14 months old, which means I don't have to grow them. YEAY! Excited about them especially because they are Wyendotte: dual purpose breed AND their feathers are very camoflauging! :)

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Tried to purchase a possibly preggie doe (goat), but it didn't work out. The seller was late to our meeting place and when I sort of decided that I shouldn't wait any longer, that maybe it was better that the sale didn't work out, I felt an amazing sense of relief.

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Drove more than 2 hours to purchase a dual registered, white with golden spots, 2.5 year old doe that is not preggie, but has super good genes and has kidded (birthed) twice on her own without any problems. YIPPEE. She's a sweetheart! Kiara joined our family on Thursday.

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Saturday (tomorrow based on the back-date of this publishing) we drove almost 2 hours to purchase another doe. This one was exactly 7 days old when we picked her up. She is tiny (as all Nigerian Dwarf goats are - especially as babies) and almost all black.

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I missed the General Women's Broadcast because I was out of it and trying to get my children to bed and sleep after our crazy long day driving (picked up goat, went to temple, went home: = 4.5 hours just driving. Thankfully I can watch it this week before General Conference.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

In an effort to reduce household chemical use (I've never really used them heavily), I have been experimenting with going shampoo free.

When I read about this possibility a few years ago, I was intrigued. I sorta tried it. But since I didn't understand the effort - other than to stop using shampoo, the effort failed because my hair felt totally greasy and looked yuck. So, I went back to shampoo use.

Around the middle of last month (August 2012) I read a blog post that helped me to more fully understand the "movement" of getting unhooked from shampoo. Given my Cosmetology training combined with learning by reading (didn't you know the skin takes in much of what is placed on it and that includes the stuff in shampoo), this movement makes absolute and complete sense to me!

Basically, going shampoo-free does not mean relaxing personal hygiene. It simply means changing it. I've long known and practiced much less frequent shampooing than is common among most women I know - simply as a result of my education to get my Cosmetology license way back when I was a teenager!

How does one change if interested? Well, we have to change our minds first. If not, the effort will be to no avail.

If you wanna try what we've done, I'll try to explain. As a rule, my children have only had their heads shampooed once per week since they got their heads shampooed for the first time (different ages for each). This is much easier for children than adults because their heads have not been conditioned to require numerous washings each week. If you are a daily washer, you will reduce your washings to around 3 for the first week. As a rinse, I've read people use apple cider vinegar (instead of conditioner). When I stopped bleaching my hair, I stopped using conditioner, so that's not much of an issue for me.

As for me, I've been washing my hair only 2 or 3 times each week for some time. When it's super hot and I sweat a lot, I rinse my head and rub it a lot under the water. But washing with shampoo has been down to 2 times each week MOST weeks. So, going to no shampoo, I simply replaced my 2 shampoos with the new washing liquid. I'll get to that in a minute.

I directly replaced 2 for 2 because I know that my scalp gets a certain degree of oil build-up between those two shampooings and I didn't feel able to reduce down to only one immediately. Three weeks of replacing 2 shampoos with 2 washes and I went down to 1 wash per week.

Washing liquid: 1 cup water to 1 tablespoon baking soda and about 3 drops of whatever essential oil I want to try and mix thoroughly. Obviously, I shake to mix immediately before use as well.

It's gone really well for us. The children do not have any build-up on their scalps. I feel like my hair looks much the same as when I was using shampoo. One big difference is that it's way less frizzy with far fewer flyaways. I LIKE that difference!

If you have any questions, I'm super happy to share more. Just let me know. :)

Sunday, September 23, 2012

All over the place, by those who are liberal and conservative (generally), I hear and read the term "sheeple."

In my opinion, the only folks who have any business using this term derogatorily are those who are #1 satanists, #2 aetheists, #3 Buddhists, #4 (this one is blank, but I leave it here because there may be some other category of people that may rightly use this term. In my opinion, anyone who claims belief in God - even if not Christian, is making a fool of him or herself by using this term in a derisive manner.

Now, I have not read the Torah, the Quran or any of the other important religious texts (other than the Bible, Book of Mormon, Peal of Great Price, and Doctrine and Covenants), but I'm pretty sure the ones that reference the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob have some allusion to shepherding. I know the Old Testament makes reference to at least one shepherd as a great leader (not Jesus Christ). And the Torah, being the five books of Moses, would have this same reference. I am less sure of the Quran, but because of many things I have learned, I believe there are references and allusions to the same therein, too. Thus, I think those who negatively reference "sheeple" are making fools of themselves.

If we are good Christians, at least, we should see the foolishness in such. Right? I mean, seriously, folks. Christ, being the Good Shepherd, will call His SHEEP in His name. I sure hope I am among His sheep!!! And so a sheeple I be... in the true-est and most pure sense. Thus, my problem with those who consider themselves believers and try to make this term into something negative. It's just foolishness.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Even though I was away from the fullness of Christ’s truth
on the earth, God was mindful of me.No
matter where I went, He showed me His messengers very quickly.I cannot remember at all when I ran into the
Mormon Missonaries in Japan.All I have of the exchange is a business
card.I’m sure Father God made sure I
received it so that I would have a tangible reminder that I did meet them
there.Funny thing about that… Triplett
is the name of the missionary whose card I have.One of his brothers is in my current Ward
here in Florida… the Deland
Second Ward.Pretty flippin’ neat to
me!!!

I was pretty much alone while in Sydney.I did meet Katrin Henn with whom I am still
infrequently in contact.We’re Facebook
friends.JWe enjoyed some time together and ate a meal
together.I was glad to have someone to
hang out with for a while.Solo travel
for a girl like me is definitely not the preferred mode of operation!

Sydney, like Japan,
had lots of little sushi bars… and the small step in, buy something, eat, and
leave kinds of places. There really aren’t
those kind anywhere I have seen in the USA.
I also enjoyed some finer dining, but
nothing super expensive. My most
expensive meal was Thai, but I cannot remember where I ate it.

From Sydney I
went to Canberra, the capital of Australia.
It was very spread out… the sights I
wanted to see, that is. Since I wasn’t
willing to spend lots of money, I planned to walk to do sight-seeing. I was pretty well out of shape by the time I
went to Oz… so I was way tired out by that city. I think my favorite place there was the AustralianWar Memorial. The depth of the impact
that place had on me was tremendous, which is why I remember it so vividly.

Next stop was Melbourne. I honestly do not remember anything spectacular about that city. Actually, I can't remember anything at all about it!

Adelaid was the next. I was befriended by two lovely girls who were traveling together. They were having such a good time together. They were so kind as to allow me to join them and I had THE most fun of my whole southern Australia traveling with them. Their names are lost to me. I know one of them had brown hair and the other had blonde hair, but other than that... I cannot remember anything. They befriended me while still on the bus and then invited me to hang out with them. I'm so grateful, still, for that kindness!

After Adelaid, I had to travel the LONG stretch to Perth,
the city in which I would go to school. I chose it for a really silly reason.I chose Perth
because that is where Tony Zeppetella’s ship stopped during his 6-month cruise
after he left Virginia and broke up
with me… and broke my heart.Yeah.I told you: really silly reason.

Somehow my luggage had been misplaced in the travel.It seemed like a problem (and really was),
but overall it was a huge blessing because I ended up having to walk a LOT
farther than I expected once I left the bus terminal in Perth.I remember that I was SO thankful I didn’t
have all my bags to lug around with me both once I left the bus terminal and
especially once I got to Edith Cowan University!I had to walk all over the place to get
things situated and get into my dormitory.It would’ve been a huge difficulty to lug those bags and all that weight
in that heat!

One of the problems of the missing luggage is that I did not
have a pillow or any bedding in my dorm.I didn’t have the time or wherewithal to buy any by the time I realized
this, so I spent my first night in my dorm room with very little sleep and very
cold.(The very little sleep would be a
longer-term problem than I had any idea about at that point!)

My dormmates soon began to arrive.Stig, from Norway.Wan from Thailand.And an Aussie whose name I cannot remember…
he barely ever associated with us, which is why I cannot remember him.I can see his face pretty clearly, though.He was a heavy-set guy.He played the sax, I think.I’m pretty sure he smoked pot.He was very shy and kind.Felicia and another girl from Malaysia.So, we were a pretty diverse group.My best friends while there were Felicia,
Josefine, Keefe, Mijke, and the Mormon Missionaries.Josefine and Keefe are married now!So neat, right?

Oh, yeah… the Missionaries.That’s a funny story.See, I
mentioned earlier how Heavenly Father let me know He was watching out for me
everywhere I went… well, either the day after or two days after I arrived in
Australia (but definitely within the first week), the Mormon Missionaries
actually knocked on my dormitory apartment’s sliding glass door!As a result of which, I ended up having them
over to eat almost, if not every, Sunday while I was in Perth.Yes.Seriously.It became a sort of
big party.I was a bit of a party
organizer in Japan
AND Australia.Funny, eh?I even have a few of their names in my special address book a Japanese
lady gave me!J

So, eventually school started.I was taking an Education course that had to
do with Special Needs Children, a studio art class, a writing class, and
something else, but I cannot remember what it was. The writing class and art class became, with
my Mom and Jessie, lifelines for me after the trauma.

I arrived in Perth
at the very end of July or beginning of August.

Sleep has, as long as I can really remember, always been a
bit elusive. I have a difficult time
falling asleep and sometimes (too often) staying asleep. At times, the slightest noise will waken me
and continuation of it will prevent me from re-attaining that state of rest I
do so desire to enjoy.This was
definitely true of my experience in the dorms at Edith Cowan.Initially, I had a difficult time adjusting
to the time change. When I was pretty
much ready and able to sleep through the night, the kids in the dorm complex
started partying and making a ruckus to all hours of the night… all week long. This was a huge problem for me.

Eventually I gave up and started to spend the majority of
many/most nights at the campus computer labs.I had my favorite one, of course.I played a LOT of Bejeweled.Back then it was really new and I only played it as a time wasting thing…
not gambling or anything like that, which is available now-a-days. I didn’t JUST waste time.I also spent quite a lot of time writing for
my Creative Writing class. (Kinda like
now: can’t sleep at 3am and I’m writing.Story of my life, eh!?)

Friday, September 21, 2012

I have a few pregnant does (female rabbits) around here. I'm hopeful that we'll be able to make more barter deals with kits (baby bunnies) in exchange for other items we desire, in another 7-8 weeks!

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The children and I enjoyed another Park Day. The girls make friends everywhere they go, so I have continued to feel happy that they have done so with ease among this group of homeschoolers. I was pleasantly surprised and greatly pleased with how easily Jmy has blended in among the homeschooling boys. Please keep in mind that Jmy is 18 months old and the youngest boys in the group are 5 and 6 years old. Jmy just tags right along and the boys help him be with them (by and large, though not the entire time, of course). It has truly warmed my heart: the generosity of spirit and kindness of these sweet guys!

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I made some more progress on my rabbit hutch. I just LOVE building stuff from bits and pieces!! It is so very fulfilling! I had to put the hutch on hold so that I could make a nest box for one of my does who is due to kindle (have her babies) in another few days. They should have their nest box for a few days so they can pull fur out of their own bodies to line the hay stuffed box and birth their kits (baby buns) into that. It's very cool!

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Temple day! YEAY! We went to Best Buy (in Orlando) and bought the piece that needed to be replaced so that this computer would work again AND a new printer since the other one went kablooey recently. I'm glad to have a printer via which I can FAX. Now... just need to get some families who want to host foreign exchange students! If you live in Volusia County, they come for a year and it's a WONDERFUL experience! Let me know if you're interested and we'll talk! :)

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Relief Society is an amazing organization. I am especially fond of Visiting Teaching and Compassionate Service as facets of the Relief Society gem! ^_^

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Have you ever watched a movie and felt like you saw yourself in a... a not so pleasant light? Perhaps an aspect of one of the Essene Mirrors... or maybe just watching your biggest sort of anxieties about yourself appear before your very eyes on the "big screen"?

Well, unfortunately, I've had this experience recently. I'm sure, by the time this publishes (since I'm post-dating because I really don't want to tell you about this while it's as raw as it is!), I won't feel nearly so poorly about myself regarding what I've just seen... but right now... WOW.

Have you seen the movie "Jack and Jill"? It's good. Only PG, which is rare anymore, right? And a comedy. And it was funny. To me it was funny. I enjoyed it. There were a couple points during the movie that I laughed and then felt totally... uncomfy... like I'd just looked in the mirror and realized exactly how fat I really am after having a totally different picture of my appearance in my own mind. *sigh*

But it didn't really hit me until the movie was completely over. And here I am realizing how completely JILL I am... the huge drawback of my reality: I don't have a twin brother who is cool. Also, I would be hard pressed to allow you to believe I'm as big-hearted as Jill.... So, I'm just "Jill" with none of the "Jack" coolness or HUGE positives to even me out. Also, I have never been pursued by Al Pacino... actually... I haven't really been pursued, per se. Yeah... wack, I know.

I've realized this truth (the Jill-ness of me) about myself many times before in various ways. And in the moments after realizing a new degree of truthfulness and depth of my Jill-ness... well, it is really upsetting and hurts quite a lot. But I manage... I handle it and then I own it. Because that's just who I am.

"Okay," I say to myself (or something like this), "I'm significantly less feminine than I wish I was. Okay. Now, where do I go from here. Well, I'm not willing to feel like a hoochie and wear all kinds of make-up," (and I promise you it would take a ton of that chemical glop to make a difference ova-hee-ahh)... "So, I simply must accept who I am... growing mole on my chin and all and get over it.! No, you do not have to look at it in the mirror! You don't have to try to figure out if it's grown any more recently. Pull the hairs off your chinny-chin-chin (and neck) and get the heck outta there!" Yes, folks... I did just go there.

Obviously, in the moments of writing this post I'm not feeling as "up" as I would prefer. But FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD... life is a series of SEASONS people. Maybe I'm being too real about my personal experience of a period of down time... but this too shall pass. Both the good and the "bad" always do. We can count on that... it'll pass no matter how much we want OR DON'T WANT it to.

So, pray me some pleasant stuff, if you think of it and want to. I sure do know prayer works! And I'll keep working on using the tools for changing my brain (scripture, prayer and meditation are those to which I am referring) to get myself UP and able to have a higher frequency overall... so that even when the down season comes, it'll be higher than what it is currently. I KNOW know KNOW this is possible (the raising of frequency/vibration, overall) and really can and does happen as I've already experienced it in HUGE ways. Although I recognize the down-ness of now, I am also able to compare it to down seasons in the past. And let me tell you... this is NOTHING! Praise God for working changes in me!!! I'm so very grateful!!! (And so it begins: the upturn. Give thanks in ALL things, my friend!) ^_^

(Actually wrote this after "date night" of watching Jack and Jill with Jessie: August 19, 2012.)

September 20, 2012

Just as I expected, the season has turned, and again, and again... currently, I feel significantly better than I did when I wrote this. Lately, though, my experience has been similar to climate change: changeable. But this is just part of the healing process after the miscarriage, I believe. Anyway, that's all we can count on in this life (of mortal, unGodly things, I mean): change.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Meditation continues daily. During the time my computer was down and out, I missed one day of meditating due to sheer fatigue. I got right back 'on the horse' and have been steady there since. Praise God for His changing power.

Today is day 114 of meditating and day 75 since the addition of the conquering anger meditation.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

*The definition I intend most for the term soliloquy is: a speech in which a character reveals his thoughts to the audience but not to
other characters in the play. The play being, of course, life. It seems rather appropriate given that I have such a difficult time actually speaking my stories... so I can tell them here... to my audience. And I'm pretty well aware that my audience is very few (if any?) of the actual characters with whom I interact on a daily/regular basis! So... it's totally appropriate, to me. And since this is my little place, my opinion counts most. ;)

PART 1: Australia

My girls, Ria especially, regularly ask me to tell them
stories about my life.I rarely feel any
desire to revisit the past.But I
realize how valuable stories are.I do
not feel adept at telling them verbally, though.That is Jessie’s forte.So, I’m going to begin remember-telling the
stories from my youth and young-adulthood.I’ve told some of these stories in my journals and other places, but
this is especially for my children because I love them more than anything or
anyone else (except their Daddy).

Australia

I made the plan to travel as an exchange student to Australia
at the same time I made the plan to go to Japan
in the same capacity.I was twenty-two
or twenty-three years old, or so, and felt just so very old to be single.(I expected and rather hoped to be married at
19, like my Mom was.So, given that
misguided expectation, 23 was pretty old.As I write this now, at 36, I scoff at my silliness!How YOUNG I was!!)So, because of my agedness in unmarried-ness,
I decided to map out my life.Surely, I
figured, if I wasn’t married by now, who would want me!?(This attitude was impacted greatly by the
misadventures in dating I’d experienced.)

The first order of business was to determine what I should
do to earn money for the rest of my old-maidenhood.(I think the experience I’m about to describe
actually happened when I was a little bit younger, but I didn’t get back to my
secondary education for a while after it.)I had no clue where to begin.So,
I turned to a college catalog.The index,
to be exact.I started at ‘A’ and went
through ‘Z’ and highlighted all the things that were interesting to me.I have to tell you, there were lots of
markings.However, they did sort of
congregate together.Once I made it
through the first to the last, I went back through, but started at the last and
went back toward the first.I didn’t
make it all the way back to the beginning because I had an experience.

As I came to the highlighted term ‘teaching.’ I felt
something remarkable.I felt like it was
something I simply MUST do.I was
excited and happy and felt I’d accomplished my purpose.As I sat there, rather exultantly, I realized
that I didn’t know WHAT I should teach.I had a thought to go back toward ‘Z,’ but felt the answer was in the direction
I’d already been going… so I continued.The feeling I’d felt when I read ‘teacher’ occurred again, but with
completion when I came to ‘English.’It
was more than I’m describing.I felt
euphoric, finished, yet only at the beginning.I felt like I KNEW what I needed to do.I’d been feeling rather flopsy and unsure about what my life
would/should hold, so this feeling… this was a NEW feeling!I knew WHAT I should study in
University.What a great feeling!

I developed my ten-year plan when I had about 2 years of
College left.Since I was still a
student, I figured I should do something interesting AS a student.So, I decided that I should study abroad.I chose Japan
and Australia
because my Dad had been there as an enlisted NAVY man while on cruises when I
was a child.I’d loved the stories he
told and the experiences he conveyed.He
rarely told the stories… yet another way we are alike, I suppose… but when he
did… WOW.I was transported!

I went to Japan
first.I’ll tell you about that in
another story.This one is all about
trying to get to Australia!It was rather difficult just getting there, I
tell ya!You see, I met a guy when I got
back to Virginia from Japan.Within a month of returning from Japan,
he found me on matchmaker.com, actually.He IS your Daddy!How did you
guess?J

So, even though he departed for a six-month cruise the May
after we met (January 2001), I felt like I should just stay in the U.S.A.
and finish school.But he and I talked
about it and figured the time would pass more quickly for both of us if we were
both doing something great.So, I worked
and prepared, planned and eventually went to Australia.

I left VA at the end of June or beginning of July 2001.I was a nervous nelly and packed WAY too
much.I mean, seriously way too
much.I mean, I could barely carry all
the stuff I packed.I had two huge
backpacking backpacks and another smaller daypack style backpack.The weight… well, I was able to use the buses
on the way TO school, but not without unpacking lots on the way home from
school!Seriously.(That has a LOT to do
with my food storage obsession and the trauma I experienced as a result of September 11, 2001.I digress.)

Departure was seriously nerve wracking for me.I dislike change, even exciting positive
change is difficult for me.On one hand
I kept trying to convince myself that I should stay and continue school as I’d
been doing it, but on the other hand I argued myself into keeping with the portion
of the 10-year plan that I COULD complete since I wasn’t actually married
yet.The arguing side won out.

I got to Sydney
without too much difficulty.Flying that
long is exhausting, but I didn’t have any serious hurdles to jump or problems
to overcome.I was able to make my way
to the hostel I’d previously booked.It
all went very smoothly, for which I was very grateful because I was seriously
scared of this lone travel thing.Thankfully, at least, English is the primary language in Australia,
so I didn’t have to worry about communication, for the most part.

Sydney was
great.I remember loving my hostel and
feeling at ease there.I mostly wandered
around pretty aimlessly while I was there.I did take a tour bus up to the Blue Mountains,
but I can’t remember if that was my first time there, or whether that was my
last week in Australia.*sigh* Regardless, that was a pretty great
trip.And I do think it was at the
beginning (this part of the story).

It was during one of my first few days in Australia,
and definitely there in Sydney, that
I was wandering around and sat myself down on a park bench.I was just enjoying the scenery and the
breeze, when I happened to see Mormon Missionaries.I was so surprised and pleased (note: I
wasn’t active at all in the Church at that time in my life) that I called out
to them.I think they were both American
guys and we enjoyed a few exchanges.This is a pretty big deal.Here
we have a tangent.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I'm thankful for brokenness. It actually is a good thing. Doesn't feel good in the moment of breaking or being broken... at least, most of the time it doesn't... but it is a good thing. And even if I can't see how, I'm commanded to give thanks in ALL things.

actually published September 20 due to computer being caput for a while

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September 11, 2012. 9-11-12. The whole 11-12 thing for this year is pretty cool....

So, I realized pretty recently that this particular day is a much more significant anniversary for me than I've ever comprehended before. If you want to know me better, you may appreciate this post. If you don't care a flyin' rat fart who I am, please move along now.

You're still here, huh?

Umm....

Okay, well...

I was thinking about this day of infamy recently. Sort of reliving it, in a way. Considering my in-real-time-experience of the events that transpired September 11, 2001... well, I haven't really done that in anticipation of the anniversary ever before. Reliving has happened spontaneously and in an undesired manner. So, the fact that I purposely "went there" and was able to review my 'stuff' without feeling freaked out was quite good. YEAY for good/positive/beneficial changes in my head!!! ^_^

So, here's what happened.

A friend of mine recently told me that her husband, while on a date with her, told her he'd forgotten how much fun she could be away from their children*. As I was randomly puzzling over this statement and considering if such a thing would ever happen between Jess and me I experienced a realization about my current paradigm (which truth has been truth since Sept. 11, 2001 and I'm only realizing it this year!)... I'm realizing that "fun Tori" died in Australia as a result of all the stuff I experienced there pertaining to the Twin Tower attacks and what-not.

I realized that I think I was pretty fun at times (here and there) before I went to Australia. But when I came home I wasn't fun anymore. And I haven't been again since then. I honestly feel like there really just isn't space inside of me for the "fun girl" who died. She wasted so much time and energy trying to have fun that she really didn't live in a joyful way. Realizing this was huge for me. I guess I've been slowly coming to understand this about me and things just snapped into place the other day when this view of my truth hit me so firmly. (August 17 or 18)

Also, fun (via "fun Tori") included doing things that I have forgiven myself for doing... why would I want to go back there? I accept them as part of my past... this girl I realized died as part of who I was... but I don't want her to be me any more again... I want her to remain among the sluffed skins. Ya know?

So, what is the value in this realization? For, we all must know that to have moments of such total clarity about our own minds/beings should be transformative. Therein is the purpose of the new vision: transformation. Well, I see myself for who am more completely. I see that I have held much anger to cover the loss of this person I didn't want to be anymore anyway... because I didn't know I was ready to let go of her. I mean, she died unexpectedly as a result of seriously difficult, painful and alarming experiences. There aren't many people, among those I know, who would realize the death darts of the experience were meant to enable me to let go of dead weight... and I certainly didn't realize it (obviously)!

I believe the realization of this part of my truth has come at this time to free me and enable me to accept and live in the peace and joy that is readily available and regularly surrounds me in my life. There is SO much joy in each day... ready and waiting to be fully experienced. I've just realized that I think I was holding tightly to that dead part... and angry for the dead-ness, that I haven't been really living the joy. I've seen it pretty frequently... but holding the dead-ness as a sad shield, up to guard and protect me from overload of feeling (perhaps much like the fluffy-ness I've encompassed myself round about with?)... one can only serve one master at a time, afterall.

How very foolish of me to not see with spiritual eyes wide open on this... so much time wasted. No more. I'm letting go of the dead-ness and accepting the peacefully joyful moments that regularly occur in my life. Praise God for opening my eyes and mind! I Bless His Holy Name!!!! I'm so grateful He is making me New in and through Christ, Jesus. God is Great!!!

*To be clear about my friend... I believe the kind of fun she was really referring to was more of a relaxed peaceful joyfulness (in my personal terminology). It's a fun-ness to her because she is more able to interact freely and with pleasure while with her husband (away from her heavy responsibilities within their home and in raising their children) rather than feeling the constant anxiety over her responsibilites with and for their home and children. As far as that goes, we're basically the same, I think. The term "fun," though was important because of my own definition/understanding of it in my life. While I understood her use of the term (and still do) as pertaining to her live, upon consideration of the words later, I was able to see new things about myself based on the way the words themselves interact with my understanding of my personal reality, past and present. My friend has never done most of the "fun" things I used to do with wreckless abandon. So, her use of fun is akin to my use of a phrase like "peacefully joyful". I just wanted to clarify that for myself. :)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I've been amazed over the last month or two since we began, as a family, to read General Conference talks from the first Conference of 1975. We started this part of our Devotional tradition because I kept hearing whispers that I should go back in time to read conference talks when we finished reading the most recent conference talks for the second time.

It took me about an hour or so to print them all out. Mostly because I don't have a fancy shmancy printer and have to turn pages to get double-sided prints... and I hate to spend more on the paper... rather spend the time. Anyway... the stack of talks was pretty intimidating. I didn't realize they held General Conference for THREE days back then. vewwy intoowesting ;)

The one thing I have been most amazed about it how very... compeletely pertinent the messages are still today. I mean... I'm 36 folks. How often is it that the "philosophies of men" remain unchanged for 36 years. There are, certainly, instances when it does happen. Yes, of course. But by an large... I just don't see it as the rule. Do you? But, as a rule, these talks are either "just" still pertinent... OR they are even more pertinent. That last bit has stunned me. I've never been punched in the stomach that I remember... but I've seen how it can knock the breath outta somebody... and that's how I've felt. Just blown away, I tell ya.

So, are you interested? Wanna see for yourself? I encourage you to do so. And if you wanna talk to me about any of the talks you read... I'm here and definitely up for it. I love to converse with others about God's words! ^_^

General Conference: April 1975 http://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/1975/04?lang=eng

And if you want to read the one we finished reading twice: April 2012. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2012/4?lang=eng

Friday, September 7, 2012

Have you heard? A noise. It's the same kind of noise one can produce by running a slightly damp finger around the top edge of a thin-ish edged glass... like a wine glass. It's basically that same exact noise, but up in the sky. Or in the air in your home. Have you heard such a noise? We have. Disturbing = hearing displaced sounds at various times of the night.

2

I was so looking forward to getting out to meet Homeschoolers on a Park Day, but the kiddos were sick, so we missed it. Hopefully next week.

3

Aunt Flo just ended her visit at the beginning of this week. I know I have no REAL clue how it feels to deal with infertility, but the sorrow over each visit I've had since the miscarriage... not to tears, but just this deep panging sorrow. *sigh*

4

Started some more jam. The eggplant kind. It's surprisingly wonderful, actually! I hope to be able to share it with some of those I love who live afar off at some point in the near future.

5

My emotional life - pertaining to marriage - has been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. I'm ready to get off this ride, folks. Can I pull an emergency cord to get this thing to stop... anyone? (Jocose, of course.)

Actually published on September 20, 2012 due to computer's ill health. ;)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

So, Jessie suggested today that he might like some No Bake cookies. Since chocolate has been, almost without exception, out of the house for 21 months now, and both Tea and Kat want chocolate sweets for their upcoming birthdays... we broke down and bought some carob powder. Now, if you're a heavy chocolate eater (addicted) as I was (read: eat chocolate daily and compulsively through the day), then you will probably not like carob-anything as a chocolate replacement unless you've been uhooked from chocolate-deliciousness for a good long while.

The first time I had carob-anything was a few months ago and I couldn't tell the difference between it and what I remember of chocolate. At that time, I'd been chocolate-free for around 17-18 months. It also helps that my taste buds are not wonderfully refined in the ways my husband's are. I can barely tell the difference between similar tasting things, while he looks at me in horror because they are light-years apart in flavor, texture, umami, mouth feel... all that jazz. We're a bit like the main rat and his brother in Ratatouille.... except that we are, obviously not rats... and, of course, I'm a gal and he's a guy. You know the two I'm talking about, though, right? Anyway...

So, I made the No Bake cookies for Jess. They look exactly the same as No Bake cookies made with cocoa powder. Amazingly (since my taste buds are not refined), I think I can discern a slight flavor difference, but it's so close for me (now nearly 2 years off chocolate!) that I purposely gave myself permission to pretend it IS chocolate. And I enjoyed it a great deal!! Had the crumbs (just like I used to when my Mom made it, though back then I had to sneak, now I don't! ^_^), ate a cookie, and ate another one a while later. I still want some more because it's sweet... but I don't feel driven to eat more the way I used to when I was actively consuming chocolate. I'm still a chocohaulic, I know, but thankfully not under its control! Hopefully, I'm not feeling controlled by my desire for chocolate more because of lots of changes going on in my brain and not just because the carob cookie isn't a chocolate cookie... but I don't feel confident enough in my hope of brain changes to try even a tiny taste of chocolate. Perhaps I never will.

Why? Because I have an addictive nature. If I like something, I have a tendancy to over-induldge without even thinking about it. I just do it. (nike... never can get away from them) So, since I know this weakness in myself... why go to the edge of the cliff to see if I'm still afraid of heights, get vertigo and fall over??! I mean... I totally used-to-would've done such a thing. I just care about myself more now, I guess. That's something nice to learn as I've written it! ^_^

As a result of this successful experiment (and I'm sure Jessie will enjoy the cookies immensely... even though we didn't have any vanilla for them), I'm excited about the confections my girls have requested for their birthdays!!! :)

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Are you aware of what is happening in legislation in the USA? Do you know the freedoms we have waived by not knowing they were being taken? Do you realize the impact and import of all that is happening? Do you see Revelations coming to life as I do?

This http://www.naturalnews.com/035301_Obama_executive_orders_food_supply.html article is now old news, but I'm gunna bet you don't know the depth and bredth of the problems referenced within it. DO tell me if I'm mistaken and you already know all these bits... especially the ones toward the bottom of the article that reference more than "just" one form of rights being seized.

It's just plain ole disturbing.

What do we do?

Text of the original article found at the above link:

Obama seizes control over all food, farms, livestock, farm equipment, fertilizer and food production across America

"We told ya so" just doesn't quite cut it anymore. As the American sheeple slept, selfishly refusing to take a stand against tyranny, the Obama administration has been plotting what can only be called a total government takeover of America.

On March 16, 2012, President Obama issued an executive order entitled, "NATIONAL DEFENSE RESOURCES PREPAREDNESS." http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/03/16/executive-order-national-defense-resources-preparedness

This executive order states that the President alone has the authority to take over all resources in the nation (labor, food, industry, etc.) as long as it is done "to promote the national defense" -- a phrase so vague that it could mean practically anything.

The power to seize control and take over these resources is delegated to the following government authorities:

(3) the Secretary of Health and Human Services with respect to health resources;

(4) the Secretary of Transportation with respect to all forms of civil transportation;

(5) the Secretary of Defense with respect to water resources; and

(6) the Secretary of Commerce with respect to all other materials, services, and facilities, including construction materials.

This takeover is designed, in part, to "stockpile supplies" for the U.S. military. Authority for this total takeover of all national resources is granted with nothing more than the writing of a single statement that claims these actions are necessary to "promote the national defense." As stated in the order:

the authority delegated by section 201 of this order may be used only to support programs that have been determined in writing as necessary or appropriate to promote the national defense:

(a) by the Secretary of Defense with respect to military production and construction, military assistance to foreign nations, military use of civil transportation, stockpiles managed by the Department of Defense, space, and directly related activities;

What all this means is that the U.S. government now claims the power to simply march onto your farm with guns drawn and demand all your crops, seeds, livestock and farm equipment.

Think I'm exaggerating? Read it yourself!

And for those living in denial who refuse to accept the reality of what's happening in America, remember the following:

• When NaturalNews reported on the existence of the NDAA, we were told our reporting was misleading because Obama opposed it and wouldn't sign it.

• When Obama betrayed America and signed the bill, we were told our reporting was misleading because "it didn't apply to Americans."

• When Obama admitted it did apply to Americans, he announced that he would choose "not to use it on Americans" but only by the grace of his restraint. Nobody who previously accused us of misleading the public had the integrity to offer us an apology and say, "Gee, you were right, it DOES apply to Americans!"

• Now Obama has seized control over all food, farms, livestock, water and transportation across America. How many brain-dead Americans will continue to live in denial and try to convince themselves this is not happening? Sticking your head in the sand does not make this go away...

What California did to Rawesome Foods, the Obama administration can do to everyone

As outrageous as that raid was, it's only the beginning. Now, thanks to Obama's executive order, the federal government can conduct Rawesome-style raids on all farms, all grocery stores, all food co-ops and even individual home gardens.

It's written in plain English. This is no longer debatable and it's not a conspiracy theory. It's Obama administration policy. For what other purpose would this be issued in an executive order if it was not seen as actionable by the government? This piece of paper, you see, gives them the (false) authority to do whatever they want and then have the front-line soldiers who carry it out claim "we're only following orders."

Sound familiar? Heil Hitler!

Understanding the fraud

This executive order starts out by stating that the U.S. President is the "Commander in Chief" of the U.S. military. This is false. He is not the commander in chief unless and until Congress declares an Act of War. No acts of war have been declared in recent memory, and certainly not under Obama who doesn't even seek congressional approval for war.

So Obama is in no way a "Commander in Chief." In fact, it is questionable whether he is even a U.S. citizen.

The phrase "national defense" can be twisted to mean almost anything. It could be invoked from something as harmless as a barge sinking in the harbor. It could even be invoked based on fabricated intelligence such as a fake website post from someone alleged to be "Bin Laden's second in command" who appears to shout some sort of threat against the United States of America. So the claim that this seizing of national resources will only be done under some sort of national defense emergency is pure bunk -- both Obama and Bush before him have already declared we are living under a national defense emergency! Thus, the conditions described in this executive order have already been triggered. It is already in effect!

Notice how nothing in this document talks about protecting the People? Serving the People? Supporting the People? It's all about protecting the government! The government needs stockpiles of weapons, food and resources -- but YOU don't! Such is the philosophy of current government which sees itself as all powerful and the People as helpless, mindless slaves of the state.

Tyrannical governments concern themselves with important concepts such as continuity of government but never the continuity of liberty for the People. At the first drop of a hat, liberty gets thrown out the window to keep government in power.

Other signs of the takeover

• Last year, I interviewed Farmer Brad in central Texas, who openly stated, on camera, that FEMA has already started calling farms across Texas and demanding an inventory list of all their crops and seeds. Watch this interview yourself at: http://tv.naturalnews.com/v.asp?v=72620642EB2DE54931674ED4857C08EC

• Yesterday in Chicago, the police arrested NBC reporters outside a hospital, screaming that their First Amendment rights could be taken away from them at any time:
http://www.prisonplanet.com/cop-arrests-nbc-reporters-says-your-first...

• Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta recently revealed in U.S. Senate testimony that the Obama administration takes its orders from the UN and that the U.S. Congress is now null and void. (http://wethepeoplefree.com/constitution/senator-sessions-leon-panetta...) and (http://www.infowars.com/coup-detat-pentagon-obama-declare-congress-ce...)

• When MF Global head Jon Corzine stole billions of dollars from investors (many were farmers), there were absolutely no investigations, no indictments and no criminal arrests! Massive financial theft is now openly tolerated in America as long as those doing the stealing are politically connected to the Obama administration. (http://www.prisonplanet.com/the-cojones-defense-of-jon-corzine.html)

Of course, it's not an Obama thing. Bush was much the same. It's not the name of the person in the Oval Office who matters, it's the fundamental lack of principles and ethics reflected across government today. Instead of protecting the rights of the People, today's corrupt governments are little more than criminal gangs who steal power and resources for themselves (and their connected buddies) while destroying the economy and stealing everything in sight from the real workers upon whose sweat-drenched backs America was built.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Talk about an uplifting movie! And even Jessie said it was great! I strongly recommend anyone to spend the two hours with their sweetheart and watch it. Yes, it is primarily for men. However, as a woman, I feel more encouraged and motivated to be a better Mama. :) Prepared to be moved.

"You are what you eat," isn't just a trite, cute phrase. It is absolyute truth at a cellular, molecular level. The food we consume carries information within in that communicates with the whole of our bodies. This is just common sense. But if we don't consider it, we may be surprised by this sort of information.

Meditation contues daily. I have had a couple days I thought I might end up not completing my meditation. Mostly those almost misses are due to poor planning and or exhaustion. But the Lord has carried me through.

One day my meditation session was way less than normal because of sheer exhaustion. But I figure it sorta evens out because another session this week was significantly longer than my daily meditations have been.

Today marks my 91st day of meditating and my 63rd day since I added the conquering anger meditation! Amazing for me, I know! ^_^ I mean, that's more than 2 months of one and 3 months overall! Praise the Lord for making me strong enough to keep on keeping on!!! He is amazing!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

This article/talk http://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/1975/10/for-the-time-will-come-when-they-will-not-endure-sound-doctrine?lang=eng is so very pertinent today, yet it is a little bit older than me. That's 36 years, yall!

I hope you'll take some time to read it and let me know what you think!

It sounds lovely, doesn't it? The idea of no longer being at war anymore. It's a goal worth aiming for, for sure. But at what cost? Do we realize the cost? Do we realize the danger of outright attacks on our Constitution? Do we see the real and present need of the Second Amendment still today?

Yes, we desire peace. But as our forefathers knew, there is no freedom, nor any peace, in tyranny. If we do not retain the right to self-protection, there is no freedom. If we are in fear of the govenment of our land, there is no peace nor freedom. I've recently learned of an old document... memorandum... http://dosfan.lib.uic.edu/ERC/arms/freedom_war.html that reveals the plans some in the leadership of this country have been making to disarm and completely disregard the Second Amendment. You will find it alarming if you read with discernment. If you read it superficially, unable to see what the words really mean as they come together, you may be glad. But if you are, I have a river to sell you....

I, for one, desire no more war anymore. Certainly. I'm enough of a realist to know in a soul piercing way that this simply will not come to pass in a long-standing way if the way it happens is by force. If a nation is forced to give up rights to give up its laws that are meant to protect it and its people, then there is no real peace. There is only tyranny. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

There is yet another truth that is not spoken loudly or clearly by any of the news conveyors I've found. The news/information sources that are super unpopular because the majority refuses to see what is going on in plain sight. Big hint: they are not liberal.... What is the truth to which I refer? I'm refering to the fact, yes FACT, that humanity will never know true peace until our Savior has returned and rules in truth and in reality here on the earth. That's just the way it is.

We will have a semblance of peace... as we live day to day shaking in the very deepest parts of ourselves for fear... for some period of time before and during the seven year tribultion. This is true. However, if you live in fear of the powers-that-be and don't know what of Law you can trust, is that freedom OR peace? I think not. A police state is not freedom and there is no true peace within. It is neither the peace nor freedom of the kinds that were intended to be ours by our forefathers as they wrote and ratified the Constitution and, subsequently, those of its Amendments that were included quickly.

How have we gone so far wrong? I believe prosperity and blissful ignorance are the means to the end at which we find ourselves now. Our public schools don't teach the Constitution in any impression-making and abiding way. There is no real understanding of how our forefathers hoped and wanted things to be for and in this country. Just the fact that prayer is defamed and denigrated as not having any place in meetings of our Nations' leaders (House, Senate, Committees)... umm... really? And taken out of schools... give me a break. God was included in and consulted throughout the laying of the foundation of this country. Yet, somehow, we think to push Him out now because we know better than those who organized the laws and protections we have so slovenly allowed to be eaten away by modern legislation. I think not. We are fools.

All these thoughts... and I have only shared a small portion because I would go on far too long otherwise.

The following is the text of the memorandum to which I have linked above. Figured you might not want to click over, so you can read it right here if you so desire. :) Yes, I have highlighted parts I hope you'll take especial notice of... and if you'd like to know what I think about them, in particular, just ask and I'll formulate another post of explanation. ^_^

Freedom From War

The United States Program for General and Complete Disarmament in a
Peaceful World

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE

DEPARTMENT OF STATE PUBLICATION 7277
Disarmament Series
5Released September 1961

Office of Public Services
BUREAU OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS

For sale by the Superintendent of Documents, U.S.
Government
Printing Office, Washington 25, D.C. - Price 15 cents

INTRODUCTION

The revolutionary development of modern weapons within a world
divided by serious ideological differences has produced a crisis in human
history. In order to overcome the danger of nuclear war now confronting mankind,
the United States has introduced at the Sixteenth General Assembly of the United
Nations a Program for General and Complete Disarmament in a Peaceful
World.

This new program provides for the progressive reduction of the
war-making capabilities of nations and the simultaneous strengthening of
international institutions to settle disputes and maintain the peace. It sets
forth a series of comprehensive measures which can and should be taken in order
to bring about a world in which there will be freedom from war and security for
all states. It is based on three principles deemed essential to the achievement
of practical progress in the disarmament field:

First, there must
be immediate disarmament action:

A strenuous and uninterrupted effort must be made toward the goal of
general and complete disarmament; at the same time, it is important that
specific measures be put into effect as soon as possible.

Second,
all disarmament obligations must be subject to effective international
controls:

The control organization must have the manpower, facilities, and
effectiveness to assure that limitations or reductions take place as agreed. It
must also be able to certify to all states that retained forces and armaments do
not exceed those permitted at any stage of the disarmament
process.

Third, adequate peace-keeping machinery must be
established:

There is an inseparable relationship between the scaling down of
national armaments on the one hand and the building up of international
peace-keeping machinery and institutions on the other. Nations are unlikely to
shed their means of self-protection in the absence of alternative ways to
safeguard their legitimate interests. This can only be achieved through the
progressive strengthening of international institutions under the United Nations
and by creating a United Nations Peace Force to enforce the peace as the
disarmament process proceeds.

--------

There follows a summary of the principal provisions of the United
States Program for General and Complete Disarmament in a Peaceful
World. The full text of the program is contained in an appendix to this
pamphlet.

FREEDOM FROM WAR

THE UNITED STATES PROGRAMFOR GENERAL AND COMPLETE
DISARMAMENTIN A PEACEFUL WORLD

SUMMARY

DISARMAMENT GOAL AND OBJECTIVES

The over-all goal of the United States is a free, secure, and
peaceful world of independent states adhering to common standards of justice and
international conduct and subjecting the use of force to the rule of law; a
world which has achieved general and complete disarmament under effective
international control; and a world in which adjustment to change takes place in
accordance with the principles of the United Nations.
In order to make possible the achievement of that goal, the program sets
forth the following specific objectives toward which nations should direct their
efforts:

The disbanding of all national armed forces and the prohibition of their
reestablishment in any form whatsoever other than those required to preserve
internal order and for contributions to a United Nations Peace Force;

The elimination from national arsenals of all armaments, including all
weapons of mass destruction and the means for their delivery, other than those
required for a United Nations Peace Force and for maintaining internal order;

The institution of effective means for the enforcement of international
agreements, for the settlement of disputes, and for the maintenance of peace in
accordance with the principles of the United Nations;

The establishment and effective operation of an International Disarmament
Organization within the framework of the United Nations to insure compliance at
all times with all disarmament obligations.

TASK OF NEGOTIATING STATES

The negotiating states are called upon to develop the program into a
detailed plan for general and complete disarmament and to continue their efforts
without interruption until the whole program has been achieved. To this end,
they are to seek the widest possible area of agreement at the earliest possible
date. At the same time, and without prejudice to progress on the disarmament
program, they are to seek agreement on those immediate measures that would
contribute to the common security of nations and that could facilitate and form
part of the total program.

GOVERNING PRINCIPLES

The program sets forth a series of general principles to guide the
negotiating states in their work. These make clear that:

As states relinquish their arms, the United Nations must be progressively
strengthened in order to improve its capacity to assure international security
and the peaceful settlement of disputes;

Disarmament must proceed as rapidly as possible, until it is completed, in
stages containing balanced, phased, and safeguarded measures;

Each measure and stage should be carried out in an agreed period of time,
with transition from one stage to the next to take place as soon as all measures
in the preceding stage have been carried out and verified and as soon as
necessary arrangements for verification of the next stage have been made;

Inspection and verification must establish both that nations carry out
scheduled limitations or reductions and that they do not retain armed forces and
armaments in excess of those permitted at any stage of the disarmament process;
and

Disarmament must take place in a manner that will not affect adversely the
security of any state.

DISARMAMENT STAGES

The program provides for progressive disarmament steps to take place
in three stages and for the simultaneous strengthening of international
institutions.

FIRST STAGE

The first stage contains measures which would significantly reduce
the capabilities of nations to wage aggressive war. Implementation of this stage
would mean that:

The nuclear threat would be reduced: All states would have
adhered to a treaty effectively prohibiting the testing of nuclear weapons.
The production of fissionable materials for use in weapons would be
stopped and quantities of such materials from past production would be converted
to non-weapons uses. States owning nuclear weapons would not relinquish
control of such weapons to any nation not owning them and would not transmit to
any such nation information or material necessary for their manufacture.
States not owning nuclear weapons would not manufacture them or attempt to
obtain control of such weapons belonging to other states. A Commission of
Experts would be established to report on the feasibility and means for the
verified reduction and eventual elimination of nuclear weapons stockpiles.

Strategic delivery vehicles would be reduced: Strategic nuclear
weapons delivery vehicles of specified categories and weapons designed to
counter such vehicles would be reduced to agreed levels by equitable and
balanced steps; their production would be discontinued or limited; their testing
would be limited or halted.

Arms and armed forces would be reduced: The armed forces of the
United States and the Soviet Union would be limited to 2.1 million men each
(with appropriate levels not exceeding that amount for other militarily
significant states); levels of armaments would be correspondingly reduced and
their production would be limited. An Experts Commission would be
established to examine and report on the feasibility and means of accomplishing
verifiable reduction and eventual elimination of all chemical, biological and
radiological weapons.

Peaceful use of outer space would be promoted: The placing in
orbit or stationing in outer space of weapons capable of producing mass
destruction would be prohibited. States would give advance notification of
space vehicle and missile launchings.

U.N. peace-keeping powers would be strengthened: Measures would
be taken to develop and strengthen United Nations arrangements for arbitration,
for the development of international law, and for the establishment in Stage II
of a permanent U.N. Peace Force.

An International Disarmament Organization would be established for
effective verification of the disarmament program: Its functions would
be expanded progressively as disarmament proceeds. It would certify to all
states that agreed reductions have taken place and that retained forces and
armaments do not exceed permitted levels. It would determine the
transition from one stage to the next.

States would be committed to other measures to reduce international
tension and to protect against the chance of war by accident, miscalculation, or
surprise attack: States would be committed to refrain from the threat
or use of any type of armed force contrary to the principles of the U.N. Charter
and to refrain from indirect aggression and subversion against any
country. A U.N. peace observation group would be available to investigate
any situation which might constitute a threat to or breach of the
peace. States would be committed to give advance notice of major military
movements which might cause alarm; observation posts would be established to
report on concentrations and movements of military forces.

SECOND STAGE

The second stage contains a series of measures which would bring
within sight a world in which there would be freedom from war. Implementation of
all measures in the second stage would mean:

Further substantial reductions in the armed forces, armaments, and military
establishments of states, including strategic nuclear weapons delivery vehicles
and countering weapons;

Further development of methods for the peaceful settlement of disputes under
the United Nations;

Establishment of a permanent international peace force within the United
Nations;

Depending on the findings of an Experts Commission, a halt in the production
of chemical, bacteriological and radiological weapons and a reduction of
existing stocks or their conversion to peaceful uses;

On the basis of the findings of an Experts Commission, a reduction of stocks
of nuclear weapons;

The dismantling or the conversion to peaceful uses of certain military bases
and facilities wherever located; and

The strengthening and enlargement of the International Disarmament
Organization to enable it to verify the steps taken in Stage II and to determine
the transition to Stage III.

THIRD STAGE

During the third stage of the program, the states of the world,
building on the experience and confidence gained in successfully implementing
the measures of the first two stages, would take final steps toward the goal of
a world in which:

States would retain only those forces, non-nuclear armaments, and
establishments required for the purpose of maintaining internal order; they
would also support and provide agreed manpower for a U.N. Peace Force.

The U.N. Peace Force, equipped with agreed types and quantities of
armaments, would be fully functioning.

The manufacture of armaments would be prohibited except for those of agreed
types and quantities to be used by the U.N. Peace Force and those required to
maintain internal order. All other armaments would be destroyed or converted to
peaceful purposes.

The peace-keeping capabilities of the United Nations would be sufficiently
strong and the obligations of all states under such arrangements sufficiently
far-reaching as to assure peace and the just settlement of differences in a
disarmed world.

Appendix

DECLARATION ON DISARMAMENT

THE UNITED STATES PROGRAMFOR GENERAL AND COMPLETE
DISARMAMENTIN A PEACEFUL WORLD

The Nations of the world,Conscious of the crisis in human
history produced by the revolutionary development of modern weapons within a
world divided by serious ideological differences;Determined to save
present and succeeding generations from the scourge of war and the dangers and
burdens of the arms race and to create conditions in which all peoples can
strive freely and peacefully to fulfill their basic aspirations;Declare
their goal to be: A free, secure, and peaceful world of independent states
adhering to common standards of justice and international conduct and subjecting
the use of force to the rule of law; a world where adjustment to change takes
place in accordance with the principles of the United Nations; a world where
there shall be a permanent state of general and complete disarmament under
effective international control and where the resources of nations shall be
devoted to man's material, cultural, and spiritual advance;Set forth
as the objectives of a program of general and complete disarmament in a peaceful
world:
(a) The disbanding of all national armed forces and the prohibition of
their reestablishment in any form whatsoever other than those required to
preserve internal order and for contributions to a United Nations Peace Force;
(b) The elimination from national arsenals of all armaments, including all
weapons of mass destruction and the means for their delivery, other than those
required for a United Nations Peace Force and for maintaining internal
order;
(c) The establishment and effective operation of an International
Disarmament Organization within the framework of the United Nations to ensure
compliance at all times with all disarmament obligations;
(d) The
institution of effective means for the enforcement of international agreements,
for the settlement of disputes, and for the maintenance of peace in accordance
with the principles of the United Nations. Call on the negotiating
states:
(a) To develop the outline program set forth below into an agreed
plan for general and complete disarmament and to continue their efforts without
interruption until the whole program has been achieved;
(b) To this end to
seek to attain the widest possible area of agreement at the earliest possible
date;
(c) Also to seek --- without prejudice to progress on the disarmament
program --- agreement on those immediate measures that would contribute to the
common security of nations and that could facilitate and form a part of that
program. Affirm that disarmament negotiations should be guided by the
following principles:
(a) Disarmament shall take place as rapidly as possible
until it is completed in stages containing balanced, phased and safeguarded
measures, with each measure and stage to be carried out in an agreed period of
time.
(b) Compliance with all disarmament obligations shall be effectively
verified from their entry into force. Verification arrangements shall be
instituted progressively and in such a manner as to verify not only that agreed
limitations or reductions take place but also that retained armed forces and
armaments do not exceed agreed levels at any stage.
(c) Disarmament shall
take place in a manner that will not affect adversely the security of any state,
whether or not a party to an international agreement or treaty.
(d) As
states relinquish their arms, the United Nations shall be progressively
strengthened in order to improve its capacity to assure international security
and the peaceful settlement of differences as well as to facilitate the
development of international cooperation in common tasks for the benefit of
mankind.
(e) Transition from one stage of disarmament to the next shall take
place as soon as all the measures in the preceding stage have been carried out
and effective verification is continuing and as soon as the arrangements that
have been agreed to be necessary for the next stage have been instituted.
Agree upon the following outline program for achieving general and
complete disarmament:

STAGE I

A. To Establish an International Disarmament
Organization:
(a) An International Disarmament Organization (IDO) shall
be established within the framework of the United Nations upon entry into force
of the agreement. Its functions shall be expanded progressively as required for
the effective verification of the disarmament program.
(b) The IDO shall
have: (1) a General Conference of all the parties; (2) a Commission consisting
of representatives of all the major powers as permanent members and certain
other states on a rotating basis; and (3) an Administrator who will administer
the Organization subject to the direction of the Commission and who will have
the authority, staff, and finances adequate to assure effective impartial
implementation of the functions of the Organization.
(c) The IDO shall: (1)
ensure compliance with the obligations undertaken by verifying the execution of
measures agreed upon; (2) assist the states in developing the details of agreed
further verification and disarmament measures; (3) provide for the establishment
of such bodies as may be necessary for working out the details of further
measures provided for in the program and for such other expert study groups as
may be required to give continuous study to the problems of disarmament; (4)
receive reports on the progress of disarmament and verification arrangements and
determine the transition from one stage to the next.

B. To Reduce
Armed Forces and Armaments:
(a) Force levels shall be limited to 2.1
million each for the U.S. and U.S.S.R. and to appropriate levels not exceeding
2.1 million each for all other militarily significant states. Reductions to the
agreed levels will proceed by equitable, proportionate, and verified
steps.
(b) Levels of armaments of prescribed types shall be reduced by
equitable and balanced steps. The reductions shall be accomplished by transfers
of armaments to depots supervised by the IDO. When, at specified periods during
the Stage I reduction process, the states party to the agreement have agreed
that the armaments and armed forces are at prescribed levels, the armaments in
depots shall be destroyed or converted to peaceful uses.
(c) The production
of agreed types of armaments shall be limited.
(d) A Chemical, Biological,
Radiological (CBR) Experts Commission shall be established within the IDO for
the purpose of examining and reporting on the feasibility and means for
accomplishing the verifiable reduction and eventual elimination of CBR weapons
stockpiles and the halting of their production.

C. To Contain and
Reduce the Nuclear Threat:
(a) States that have not acceded to a treaty
effectively prohibiting the testing of nuclear weapons shall do so.
(b) The
production of fissionable materials for use in weapons shall be stopped.
(c)
Upon the cessation of production of fissionable materials for use in weapons,
agreed initial quantities of fissionable materials from past production shall be
transferred to non-weapons purposes.
(d) Any fissionable materials
transferred between countries for peaceful uses of nuclear energy shall be
subject to appropriate safeguards to be developed in agreement with the
IAEA.
(e) States owning nuclear weapons shall not relinquish control of such
weapons to any nation not owning them and shall not transmit to any such nation
information or material necessary for their manufacture. States not owning
nuclear weapons shall not manufacture such weapons, attempt to obtain control of
such weapons belonging to other states, or seek or receive information or
materials necessary for their manufacture.
(f) A Nuclear Experts Commission
consisting of representatives of the nuclear states shall be established within
the IDO for the purpose of examining and reporting on the feasibility and means
for accomplishing the verified reduction and eventual elimination of nuclear
weapons stockpiles.

D. To Reduce Strategic Nuclear Weapons Delivery
Vehicles:
(a) Strategic nuclear weapons delivery vehicles in specified
categories and agreed types of weapons designed to counter such vehicles shall
be reduced to agreed levels by equitable and balanced steps. The reduction shall
be accomplished in each step by transfers to depots supervised by the IDO of
vehicles that are in excess of levels agreed upon for each step. At specified
periods during the Stage I reduction process, the vehicles that have been placed
under supervision of the IDO shall be destroyed or converted to peaceful
uses.
(b) Production of agreed categories of strategic nuclear weapons
delivery vehicles and agreed types of weapons designed to counter such vehicles
shall be discontinued or limited.
(c) Testing of agreed categories of
strategic nuclear weapons delivery vehicles and agreed types of weapons designed
to counter such vehicles shall be limited or halted.

E. To Promote the
Peaceful Use of Outer Space:
(a) The placing into orbit or stationing in
outer space of weapons capable c,f producing mass destruction shall be
prohibited.
(b) States shall give advance notification to participating
states and to the IDO of launchings of space vehicles and missiles, together
with the track of the vehicle.

F. To Reduce the Risks of War by
Accident, Miscalculation, and Surprise Attack:
(a) States shall give
advance notification to the participating states and to the IDO of major
military movements and maneuvers, on a scale as may be agreed, which might give
rise to misinterpretation or cause alarm and induce countermeasures. The
notification shall include the geographic areas to be used and the nature, scale
and time span of the event.
(b) There shall be established observation posts
at such locations as major ports, railway centers, motor highways, and air bases
to report on concentrations and movements of military forces.
(c) There shall
also be established such additional inspection arrangements to reduce the danger
of surprise attack as may be agreed.
(d) An international commission shall be
established immediately within the IDO to examine and make recommendations on
the possibility of further measures to reduce the risks of nuclear war by
accident, miscalculation, or failure of communication.

G. To Keep the
Peace:
(a) States shall reaffirm their obligations under the U.N. Charter
to refrain from the threat or use of any type of armed force--including nuclear,
conventional, or CBR--contrary to the principles of the U.N. Charter.
(b)
States shall agree to refrain from indirect aggression and subversion against
any country.
(c) States shall use all appropriate processes for the peaceful
settlement of disputes and shall seek within the United Nations further
arrangements for the peaceful settlement of international disputes and for the
codification and progressive development of international law.
(d) States
shall develop arrangements in Stage I for the establishment in Stage II of a
U.N. Peace Force.
(e) A U.N. peace observation group shall be staffed with a
standing cadre of observers who could be dispatched to investigate any situation
which might constitute a threat to or breach of the peace.

STAGE II

A. International Disarmament Organization:
The powers and
responsibilities of the IDO shall be progressively enlarged in order to give it
the capabilities to verify the measures undertaken in Stage II.

B. To
Further Reduce Armed Forces and Armaments:
(a) Levels of forces for the
U.S., U.S.S.R., and other militarily significant states shall be further reduced
by substantial amounts to agreed levels in equitable and balanced steps.
(b)
Levels of armaments of prescribed types shall be further reduced by equitable
and balanced steps. The reduction shall be accomplished by transfers of
armaments to depots supervised by the IDO. When, at specified periods during the
Stage II reduction process, the parties have agreed that the armaments and armed
forces are at prescribed levels, the armaments in depots shall be destroyed or
converted to peaceful uses.
(c) There shall be further agreed restrictions on
the production of armaments.
(d) Agreed military bases and facilities
wherever they are located shall be dismantled or converted to peaceful
uses.
(e) Depending upon the findings of the Experts Commission on CBR
weapons, the production of CBR weapons shall be halted, existing stocks
progressively reduced, and the resulting excess quantities destroyed or
converted to peaceful uses.

C. To Further Reduce the Nuclear
Threat:
Stocks of nuclear weapons shall be progressively reduced to the
minimum levels which can be agreed upon as a result of the findings of the
Nuclear Experts Commission; the resulting excess of fissionable material shall
be transferred to peaceful purposes.

D. To Further Reduce Strategic
Nuclear Weapons Delivery Vehicles:
Further reductions in the stocks of
strategic nuclear weapons delivery vehicles and agreed types of weapons designed
to counter such vehicles shall be carried out in accordance with the procedure
outlined in Stage I.

E. To Keep the Peace:
During Stage II,
states shall develop further the peace-keeping processes of the United Nations,
to the end that the United Nations can effectively in Stage III deter or
suppress any threat or use of force in violation of the purposes and principles
of the United Nations:
(a) States shall agree upon strengthening the
structure, authority, and operation of the United Nations so as to assure that
the United Nations will be able effectively to protect states against threats to
or breaches of the peace.
(b) The U.N. Peace Force shall be established and
progressively strengthened.
(c) States shall also agree upon further
improvements and developments in rules of international conduct and in processes
for peaceful settlement of disputes and differences.

STAGE III

By the time Stage II has been completed, the confidence produced
through a verified disarmament program, the acceptance of rules of peaceful
international behavior, and the development of strengthened international
peace-keeping processes within the framework of the U.N. should have reached a
point where the states of the world can move forward to Stage III. In Stage III
progressive controlled disarmament and continuously developing principles and
procedures of international law would proceed to a point where no state would
have the military power to challenge the progressively strengthened U.N. Peace
Force and all international disputes would be settled according to the agreed
principles of international conduct.

The progressive steps to be taken
during the final phase of the disarmament program would be directed toward the
attainment of a world in which:
(a) States would retain only those forces,
non-nuclear armaments, and establishments required for the purpose of
maintaining internal order; they would also support and provide agreed manpower
for a U.N Peace Force.
(b) The U.N. Peace Force, equipped with agreed types
and quantities of armaments, would be fully functioning.
(c) The manufacture
of armaments would be prohibited except for those of agreed types and quantities
to be used by the U.N. Peace Force and those required to maintain internal
order. All other armaments would be destroyed or converted to peaceful
purposes.
(d) The peace-keeping capabilities of the United Nations would be
sufficiently strong and the obligations of all states under such arrangements
sufficiently far-reaching as to assure peace and the just settlement of
differences in a disarmed world.