Letters I'll Never Send

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i have to tell you something. I’m sorry for all the drama you had to deal with, between mom and I. Now that you’re gone, I don’t have anyone that will help me if something happens. You always told me to try my hardest and never give up. You also told me to try and get along with mom, no matter how hard it was. Mom and I are doing fine now, but I don’t know if she told you, but i got kicked out of the house the week of graduation. I went over to my black friend’s house, remember when I was younger and the black boy (who ended up being my best friend) call my house everyday it was his house. Remember when you told me that when I get into high school, I was going to be some black guy’s “blonde Bitch”. Guess what, that never happened. That little black boy, ended up liking me like a lot, but we were so close that we were like family. I did everything to try to please you. I tried getting good grades, I stayed away from the black boys, i didn’t drink or do drugs, but my senior year, i couldn’t take it anymore. My black friend asked me to homecoming. I went with him, I couldn’t show you the pictures and I felt terrible. I felt like I let you down. I was upset that you couldn’t accept that fact that the world is changing and whites go out with blacks. Now that I’m in college and you’re gone I don’t want to disrespect you but I like black guys, i also like white guys. I don’t really look at their race, i look at their personality. I will tell you that i have been asked out like 14 times by the black guys at my school. i hate to tell you this but my best friends are all different ethnicity. I am the only true white girl in my group of friends. Papa, i also want to tell you that i drink and smoke weed. I know that as a college athlete I shouldn’t be doing that but i wanted to. i don’t do it during the week just on the weekends. I wish you were still here so i can tell you that i’m sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have hid things from you. Tell grandma i’m sorry for being the disappointment of the family and i will try harder to make myself the better one out of the family, even though everyone knows Taylor will be the one to do that. Taylor is like goody two shoes and does everything she is told to do. I’m sorry i’m not more like her. but i’m tired of getting compared to taylor. Has anyone ever thought that is why i did bad in school and have now started drinking and smoking. but oh well i just wanted to tell you, that i’m sorry.