Letters I'll Never Send

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Don’t get ahead of yourself. I wasn’t expecting much when I first met you. You were a boy, too eager and excited. You didn’t play mind games then, no. You wanted me, that was very clear. And you pounded me with affection and single-minded dedication. It was amusing to watch when I was still disconnected. But then I must admit, it was a breath of fresh air. And your lack of any sort of walls inspired in me to do just the same. We had a good run, for the time that we had didn’t we? The hot mess of wanting each other so bad you can’t think straight. But then it waned. Like I warned that it would wane, but of which you reassured me wouldn’t. I cannot hold that against you though. I’m a realist, you’re a romantic. I should’ve known better. The manner by which it stopped however, an abrupt nosedive into nothingness, a complete and total halt of caring, a deliberate ignorance of what was – that was painful.

It’s hardly unique. I’ve pulled the disappearing act before myself. Mostly with people I felt no connection with. One time, with an older man who I did like, but wasn’t extremely attracted to. It didn’t help that he was full of himself, and I felt a moral obligation to put him in his place. I guess that’s karma for you. How ironic.

It’s funny how we were in such different places. I was still heady in infatuation over you, but you were long gone already. Perhaps moved on to a shinier new conquest, or maybe back to your lady love who treated you like garbage. I wish you never said you felt close to me, that one evening. I wish you didn’t tell me, in that heart-wrenchingly sincere voice of yours, that you liked me so much. I cannot trust my judgment now. How could I? I let my guard down with you, in a way I didn’t with the others, and you ripped hope into shreds. That’s what makes you the worst in my book.

In many ways you were just a kid, I guess. It hurt all the same though. And I hope whatever it was from your end, that it was worth my hurt.

– A

2 Responses to To the Boy in Egypt

MCM

March 3, 2015 at 8:39 am

My first thought was one of indignation. something like ‘shes calling em a boy just because shes about 39 months older.’ But youre completely right. That is what it was like at the beginning. Looking back it all seems so innocent. The ways I tried to win you over, and the little smiles you would give em in appreciation.

But that all changed with tiem. I didnt want to hurt you. Im sure you didnt want to hurt em either. I think we both took things out on each other when things didnt go the way we wanted. It was selfish, on both our parts, but maybe thats just a part of human nature, to dish on the ones we love because we know theyll coem back.

The past is behind us. There are many things I regret, and I imagine you feel the saem way. Maybe this applies to you too, but I feel like the lessons learned along the way are invaluable, especially if there ever is a future between us. Its not too late. It really isnt. Its been a long tiem, sooo long. But we can still coem back from this. I still love you with my whole heart. That boy is still inside of em, just hardened by tiem and disappointemnt. All the pain thats built up, it doesnt have to be for naught. But if I learned anything its that it takes two to make this work. Logistics isnt my strong point, you are far more trained in that regard. But show em that this is what you still want, that youre ready to give this one more try, and I swear Ill do whatever I can, even if that doesnt amount to much, to bring us back together.

Is it a risk, to try again when weve failed so many tiems before? Certainly. But tiem has crystallized my desire for you, and i know that when the potential payoff is spending the rest of my life with you, any risk is worth taking.

Thank you. This was beautiful. I’m pretty sure you’re not my boy from Egypt 🙂 but god, I wish you were, that was a lovely reply. In any case, this made me feel better, a whole lot. Every night I dream up a different excuse for him, my brain isn’t quite done with trying to fill in the gaps. I think tonight I’ll sleep soundly though, I’ll take your version as closure. I hope you have better luck than I do 🙂