Intensity

Throughout my childhood I was told to stop being ‘so intense’ to calm down .. Please, please, please would you just fit into the requirements, for goodness sake, for this reality. I’m going to use an analogy here, I was the square peg and this reality was the round hole. It was tough being ‘intense’, I had to hold it in, I couldn’t spew forth my creativity my beingness and explore who I really was, that made me unique.

Actually, was it tougher being intense, or was it tougher holding it in? Main stream schooling didn’t help me either, learning a curriculum, so that we are all compared to see if we were ‘at the same level’, some brighter, some not, but measured against some ideal that this was what mattered – to fit us all into the round hole, otherwise we would be uncontrollable! I was taught it was safer to follow the herd 🐮.

Through all that, I decided I was a ‘wrongness’. Gosh I must be, everyone must be right, and whatever, I had going on was completely unacceptable. The intensity, the awareness, yep, my conclusion.. I am wrong..

So I pretty much shut down parts of myself, divorced them, tucked them into little parts of the universe where they were safe and well cared for. I was pretty much living my life by the rules, of everyone else’s reality. It was a pretty chaotic, way to live. People can be unpredictable and I was at the mercy of others realities. What the heck? Eventually I got depression.. The way, I handled the depression, to cut off more of my awareness, I took anti-depressants.

Man, did I make some interesting choices, based, mostly on trying to be unaware, pushing down the intensity, to fit in, destructive creativity I called it.

As I grew in awareness, consciousness, the bandaid (antidepressants) came unstuck and it was harder to stick it back on. Really, I didn’t want to. I wanted to be the intensity that I truly be. There was a little part of me that would go there is more, there is more, pushing, pushing me, under all the unconsciousness I created, it was seeping out… Messages from source, God, Angels perhaps? Me wanting to be actually well me… I am no longer on anti-depressants.

I am so inspired by people’s intensity. stepping into, owning and loving their uniqueness. What a celebration Prince is in his intensity. He showed up in the world, as a creator being in a body. I was so taken by his love and commitment to all that he is, what a role model, a trailblazer .. An inspiration to live completely who we are. There are many more …

If nothing was right, and nothing was wrong, everything was just a choice, What could get created? What could get created from intensity?