A Little Context

Like “Miami Connection,” “Gymkata” was supposed to be the big action movie debut for Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas. It did not pan out so well. Take a look at the trailer and you’ll understand why:

Almost 10 years after Kurt Thomas competed on the US Gymnastics team in the 1976 Summer Olympics, someone had the brilliant idea to feature him in a martial arts film. However, as Thomas’s specialty was gymnastics, the movie needed a martial art that played to his strengths. And would allow for unique marketing. So what we get is a new style of martial art that combines gymnastics with karate; thus gymkata was born! And I know what you’re thinking: no you cannot find any gymkata dojos.

Even in this position you can spot the size difference

The Film

After watching this movie I think we can safely say that being really good at gymnastics does not mean you will be a convincing martial arts expert–even a made up one that caters to a male gymnast. On top of that conceit, we get a baffling plot that tries to be as cool both James Bond and “Enter the Dragon.” It fails terribly. Here is what we’re left with…

The US government’s Special Intelligence Agency (made up) needs to install a satellite monitoring station in the country of Parmistan (also made up). It’s never really explained why the US government needs to put a monitoring station in this tiny country, so don’t think too hard about that. If they can’t get into the country the diplomatic way, they can’t put the station in a neighboring country, what other options are there? The answer is Jonathan Cabot (Thomas).

Interestingly/conveniently enough, Parmistan holds an athletic competition where the winner is granted one wish, while the losers, obviously, end up dead. Cabot’s skill makes him the ideal choice to win the competition, but what seals the deal for Cabot is learning that his father was an SIA operative who was sent to Parmistan for the same reason–and never returned.

Chemistry

Saying that Cabot is the right man for this job is like watching a movie where two characters are supposed to be in love but there is zero chemistry between the actors–Thomas is obviously fit, but he never seems IN ANY WAY to be the number one choice for this mission. The movie likes to remind us that Thomas is skilled at gymnastics by putting random flips into scenes that don’t really require them. And at no point in the movie does karate seem more effective because of its combination with gymnastics. We basically just get a few punches and kicks, a completely unnecessary flip, followed by more punches and kicks. Did you spot that pommel horse in the trailer? Yeah. It manages to make less sense and look less convincing in the actual movie.

I have to touch a bit on the movie’s finale. The athletic competition culminates at some sort of village filled with the real loonies of this country. For reasons I can’t quite describe, the stark contrast of this part makes it almost compelling–as if Thomas wandered into some kind of horror movie village that exists only to torment people stupid enough to enter. Luckily for Thomas, none of the villagers know how to use the very long weapons they are all brandishing, and they were also kind enough to set up a pommel horse for him to use.

With all of these reviews I kind of think talking about the acting is a little bit like beating a dead horse, but it should be noted that at no point is Kurt Thomas convincing. There is a love interest (a princess, of course) and as you can imagine they have no chemistry. Thomas is supposed to be threatening but can never talk big enough or look imposing enough (the turtlenecks don’t help) for us to get over the fact that he is a small man.

But Can I Drink To It?

You can. Definitely understand that the fighting is never quite as good as you want it to be. A smart person would have surrounded Kurt Thomas with people skilled enough to make him look really good…that did not happen. Still, it’s fun nonetheless.

Rules

Unnecessary gymnastics – DRINK for 3 seconds!

Ninjas holding flags – DRINK for 5 seconds!

Walking up the stairs on his hands – DRINK for as long as it’s occurring!

Face on the back head – DRINK/CHUG a full beer!

The skill of gymnastics. The kill of karate.

Here is the edition I watched and where you can find it: Gymkata DVD for $6, but it’s also available on Amazon Instant for a couple bucks.

Enjoy!

Post by: Tyler P.

Tyler Phillippi is a former improviser and musician. Now, he mainly focuses on getting through his Netflix queue. Contact him at tyler@smellthegrindstone.com

A Little Context

Bruce Lee. Jackie Chan. Jet Li. Young Kun Kim.

“Miami Connection” was supposed to be the movie that made Y.K. Kim an action star. As you can imagine, things didn’t quite work out that way. Korean-born Kim moved to Orlando, FL in the late 70’s to open a taekwondo school. It wasn’t long before Kim gained some notoriety in the area by teaching and writing. In the mid 80s, film director Richard Park saw Kim on a talk show promoting a book Kim had written about taekwondo. Park convinced Kim to make a film showcasing his talents. “Miami Connection” was born.

Take a look at this trailer from the Drafthouse re-release:

To put it lightly, this movie was not received well at the time and ended it’s original theatrical run after only three weeks. Costing Kim over a million dollars of his own money, the movie was a commercial failure. For the next 20 years, the film would only be seen by hardcore film collectors. In 2009, an Alamo Drafthouse Cinema programmer made a random blind buy of a 35mm “Miami Connection” on Ebay. Random showings at the cinema led to word of mouth, the audience grew enough to warrant a small re-release. Now those of us that tragically missed it the first time around (although I would have been a 4-year-old) get a second chance.

The good guys. Obviously.

The Film

I will start off by saying that out of all of the bad movies I’ve seen this is my absolute favorite. As I said before in the Captain America (1990) review, bad movies tend to have parts that are entertainingly bad, and parts that are just bad. You have to have enough of the good kind of bad for it to be a fun bad movie. “Miami Connection” is all the good kind of bad. The look of the film, the music, the choreography, the acting–it’s all an ironic kind of fantastic that just kind of becomes fantastic.

The film opens on a cocaine deal–duh, it’s Miami in the 80’s. Shockingly, things don’t go as smoothly as you’d hope. The coke is stolen by a group of motorcycle-riding ninjas. If the opening somehow doesn’t sell you, the story then moves to the good guys–taekwondo students who are in a band called Dragon Sound.

I really don’t think I should have to explain any more, but I don’t want this article to be too short so I’ll just talk about my favorite things:

Taekwondo AND katanas

The fighting in this movie is all over the place. Y.K. Kim has legitimate martial arts ability, the only problem is that the rest of the people in the movie run the gamut from not bad to complete punching bag. It’s clear that Kim knows what he’s doing, but even fight scenes involving him come across as awkward. He sometimes seems too fast and too coordinated, making a fight look sloppy simply because he has to make up for his opponents lack of skill. In a way though, the result is almost better than just a badly choreographed fight.

There is no point in talking about the acting itself, but I will say that the casting is absolutely fantastic. It’s like they had three metrics: they needed to be fit, they needed to at least be able to somewhat memorize lines, and they needed to be cheap (many of them were Kim’s students). Nailed it.

Finally, the music. One of the aspects that really separates this movie from the rest are the original tracks. If there is one thing that would make your taewondo-using protagonists more badass, it’s putting them into a rock band. While a lesser movie might have settled for covers, “Miami Connection” went all out. The heroes of the film comprise the locally-popular group Dragon Sound, whose hits include “Against the Ninja” and “Friends.” And just like the movie, you’ll love them ironically, then you’ll just love them.

But Can I Drink To It?

Oh my God, yes. This movie is hilarious sober, so you know it’ll be amazing drunk.

Rules

Sleeveless t-shirts – DRINK for 3 seconds!

Any time you can’t quite make out what Y.K. Kim just said – DRINK for 5 seconds!

A Little Context

In a single night Captain America: The Winter Soldier earned over 10 million dollars, and almost $100 million in its first weekend. While incredibly impressive, what’s an even bigger accomplishment is the regularity with which Marvel can make a hit movie. And not just Marvel, superhero movies from Sony or Fox or Warner Brothers pull in huge numbers. Now is a glorious time to be a comic book fan: The Avengers, Sin City, The Dark Knight, Dredd, the list goes on. So brief is this boom however, you really don’t have to go back very far to find utter garbage. Enter Captain America.

I was born in 1984 (30!), so I really got to know superheroes in the 90s—where everything was extreme. It was awesome…at the time. Marvel was printing so many comics they would eventually pop their own bubble and file for bankruptcy in 1996. While comic books were awesome (and plentiful) at this time, Marvel was struggling to bring their characters to the big screen, unlike Warner Bros. and DC Comics. The first Superman movie came out in 1978. Eight years later Marvel fired back with Howard the Duck. In 1989, Tim Burton’s Batman. A year later we get this…

A real American hero

The Film

Captain America begins as a period piece. While modern technology could CGI Chris Evans’ face onto a scrawny actor, the movie had no such technology. Instead, this pre-super soldier serum-hero has a limp. The first 20 minutes of this movie is basically Captain America: The First Avenger. Steve Rodgers becomes Captain America via a secret formula and is then sent to stop the Red Skull from doing something evil. In stopping the villain, Captain America must divert a missile (who is attached to said missile) from Washington D.C. to Alaska. The missiles crashes and our hero is frozen for 50 years.

For some reason, the WWII era element makes the campiness of this film more palatable. If you compare this Captain America rubber outfit to the one in Burton’s Batman, that regardless of the impracticality and rigidness of the rubber suit, the one Keaton wore just looked cool. First of all, it was black and not red, white, and blue. Secondly, the aesthetic of Gotham helped the suit work. Aside from the look, the face mask doesn’t seem to fit Matt Salinger very well.

Sobering

It’s like they measured him once, made this rubber suit, and then weren’t able to (or didn’t care to) make any further adjustments. The eye holes on the face mask appear off and the front of the mask squishes Salinger’s nose. Also, the ears on the headpiece are fake. Think about that for a second…

Fight scenes are exactly the level you’d expect. Bad choreography I can take, but what bothered me was the extremely quick camera cuts. One 2-second sequence of punch, kick, punch and you’re looking at 10 difference camera angels. Acting is also fairly predictable. Salinger tries his best but is wooden and borderline dopey, especially as Steve Rodgers. His love interest tries but just isn’t successful. Scott Paulin apparently really enjoyed playing the part of Red Skull. You’ll get a minor part from Ned Beatty and Ronny Cox as the President. I always enjoy Ronny Cox but sometimes I would zone out and find myself wishing I was watching Total Recall or RoboCop. When I’d zone back in I’d have this staring at me…

But Can I Drink To It?

You most certainly can. Like many bad movies, this one waffles back and forth between funny bad and just bad bad, but there are enough funny bad moments to go around. Here are a few drinking rules to get you going.

Rules

Every time Red Skull refers to Captain America as his brother – DRINK for 3 seconds!

Every time Steve Rogers appears conflicted or confused – DRINK for 5 seconds!

Every time an unnecessarily quick camera angle changes during action scenes – DRINK for as long as it’s occurring (or, if you’re feeling ambitious, try to keep track of them and drink for that many seconds after the scene)!

When Captain America feigns being car sick in order to steal a car – DRINK/CHUG a full beer!

Captain America shot: Layered shot with grenadine on the bottom, peach schnapps, and blue curacao on top