5 Reasons It Would Suck To Be A Dog

She looks cute now, but she was just pooping on the carpet.

Every Time you ask someone the question “When you die, what would you like to come back as?”, the answer always seems to be dog. Except for me, I would like to come back as a Fly on The Wall. Which wall? Any of them. Doesn’t matter.

Although I do envy my dog every time I leave for work and look at her lying on her bed sleeping in, there are many reasons why it would suck to be a dog. Here are just a few of them:

5. Same food every meal. Dogs seem to be hungry 100% of the time and the fact they eat the same thing over and over doesn’t faze them but could you imagine eating a salad for breakfast and dinner every day?

4. Cleaning yourself. Taking a shower is pretty nice. You got the hot water, the soap and a nice clean towel to dry yourself off. Dogs, well, they have their tongue. And that one tongue is responsible for cleaning everything. The paws, the stomach, the ass, everything. Look closely at a dog’s eyes next time they clean their butt, they die a little every time.

3. The uncomfortable humping. No one likes a humper, especially in the middle of the room when the kids are opening their christmas presents, or in the backyard during the rehearsal dinner. To make things worse, it’s always our female dog trying to hump my parents male dog. It’s just not going work.

2. Bathroom breaks. You are always on someone else’s time. Imagine going to work and only being able to go pee when your boss tells you to. Some of you may feel like this happens already but it would only get worse as a dog. I for one do not feel satisfied when I know someone is waiting for the bathroom or we need to go. I would never get a good bowel movement in if I were a dog.

1. The loneliness. The utter loneliness when your owner is away. The constant need to sit and stare at the door, waiting, hoping, jumping at the sound of any noise thinking they are back. We set up a GoPro in our house once so we could see what the dog did when we were away. The dog wouldn’t stop staring at the door. We thought it would be funny, it was sad. She was just waiting for us, didn’t even want to chew the bone.