They told me I could be anything I wanted to be… so I became fearless!

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I’d tell you how much I’m into you and how I can totally see myself with you.

I’d say that I want to take things slow and start out as friends but that I’m open to the possibility of us being together.

I’d call you “baby” and kiss you and cuddle with you at night.

I’d make you feel special. Out of all the guys in our circle of friends, I’d single you out. I’d expect you to feed me when I’m hungry, come running when I call and stroke my ego when I need it.

When you start to get jealous of the attention I give to other guys, I’d reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.

When you start to get emotional over the fact that I’m not acting like I really want you, I’d remind you that “I’m not really trying to be in a relationship right now” and that “you knew where I stood when it came to relationships”.

About a month or so later, I’d realize that I, in fact, do want to be in a relationship.

When you get your hope up, I’d remind you that you and I are just friends.

Yes, I want to be in a relationship…but not with you.

Even though I led you on, I never intended to be anything more than your friend.

Forget the curve of my smile and the reasons I smile in the first place. Don’t remember the little things like how I have to rub my feet together to fall asleep or how I make that silly face whenever I’m deep in thought. Forget the echo of my laughter and the depth in my eyes. Try not to remember the things that hurt me; the things that make me cry. Try not to remember the things that keep me up at night and the moments that I consider magical. It’s not like any of these things are THAT important to me.

Act.

Act as though you don’t really like me when we’re out in public. Don’t hold my hand, don’t call me baby and don’t stare longingly into my eyes like you did the night before. When I try to kiss you in public, act like you’re repulsed. Don’t let me. Embarrass me. Be the loving, patient, caring lover that you are behind closed doors but when our friends come around, act as if I’m ‘just a friend”. Don’t make me feel special. It will only make me like you and we don’t want that, right? Make me feel replaceable. All the attention you used to show me, start showing it to someone else. Make her feel special even when I’m around. And when I get jealous, tell me I’m overreacting.

Stop.

Stop telling me how important I really am to you. Stop letting me believe that you actually care for me. Don’t waste your time telling me I’m beautiful. When I take my time to look nice, don’t acknowledge my efforts. Stop reminding me how much you really like me. I should know that by now, right? Stop loving my laugh and hating to see me upset. The love and appreciation you used to show me in the beginning of our friendship, stop showing it. Stop trusting me and stop valuing my opinion…what do I know, anyways?

Be.

Be THAT guy. The guy who can’t show emotions. The guy who would accept death before he admits that he’s falling for me. Play hard to get. Play games. Play with my emotions. Be inconsiderate. Be a jerk. Be all the things you know I don’t like. Be a completely different person from the sweet man I met that one night you stole my attention. Be cruel. Be absent. Be very and I repeat, be VERY flirtatious with that girl you know I don’t like. To make things easier, just be everything I’ve told you I hate.

Take.

Take me for granted. Take me for a fool. Take away my trust. Take away the reasons I smile. Take advantage of my sweet nature. Take advantage of my kindness. Take my heart and toss it around. I know you said you would never hurt me but take that back! You take it back now! Go back on that promise and do your best to break it. Take all the time you want! I mean, it’s not like I want to know where this thing is headed. It’s not like I’m getting older and want to some day have a commitment from you.

So you see, it’s pretty easy to lose me. But if by chance, you want to keep me, read this backwards and it’ll be the story of a man who rescued a woman who was ready to give up and ended up keeping her forever.

If sorry could make things better, I’d say it a million times
But my words could never begin to heal the wounds I’ve inflicted on you
The wounds I poured emotional salt on to the point where they became untreatable
I’ve messed it up for the next girl
Leaving you with pain and questions that I cannot answer
I’ve lied to you, played you, took you for granted
I said things I didn’t mean and never told you what I really felt
I’m a monster and I know that I could never undo what has already been done
Tear stained eyes blur my vision as I write this because I now know how it really feels
I could blame my actions on past hurts and the last a**hole that broke my heart but the truth is, it was all me
I chose to play with your emotions
I chose to make “us” seem like more than we really were
I chose to put your feelings on the back burner while I selfishly took care of me
If sorry could make things better, I’d say it a million times
But my words could never begin to heal to wounds I’ve inflicted on you
You were good to me
I know this
You cared, you shared, you were there when I was at my lowest
You loved me in spite of Rose
You loved when I didn’t love myself
You loved me when I made it hard to love me
You loved me
And I could write you a million poems that beautifully describe how apologetic I am but I know that will never undo the done deed
But I’ll write you this piece to let you know that I acknowledge my wrong doings
And if you never speak to me again, I’ll understand
If you never speak to me again, I won’t be mad
Because the pain of knowing I hurt you feels like…it feels like…there’s no metaphor for it
It’s just painful
If sorry could make things better, I’d say it a million times
But my words could never begin to heal the wounds I’ve inflicted on you
But if sorry is a start to a long road of forgiveness
I’ll gladly say it 999,999 more times

You shake me and move me until I become alive again.
You fill the spaces in my lungs that once held air.

You have become the air I breathe.

You fill my chest and burst through my rib cage like morning. Bright, shining like the starry night above the place we call home.
You’ve captured me so beautifully.

Some have tried to paint me into pictures on blank canvases but my boldness never remains. Bouncing off their canvas and back into the world. They always fail to capture the real me.
But you’ve opened up my heart and dared me to believe again and I do.

I believe.

I believe in the love you’ve introduced me to. The love that allows me to be like Sunday mornings. Fresh and ready for the adventures ahead.
I sometimes wonder how I’m even alive because my heart is with you.
You were never a crook. You never had to steal my heart because I gently placed it in your hands and had faith that you’d take care of it.
For so long I’ve wanted to tell you this but when something is this real, it’s hard to put in into words.
So I vow to do my best by leaving you every morning with a simple “I love you”.

We sat silently in the car as we both searched for the right words to say. I couldn’t think of anything so I turned the radio on. You looked at me with a puzzled look plastered on your tear stained face.

“You’d rather listen to the radio than talk to me?”

And at that moment you said what I was afraid to admit to. Yes, it had come to that. I thought about telling you how unhappy I had become lately and how you didn’t make me feel special anymore. But you knew all of this already because you looked away and turned the volume up. As we sang along with Mark Mathis, we both knew that that was the best way to end things.