Everyone likes dogs, except a large portion of society who prefer cats or no animals at all. No one prefers fish because that would be idiotic. Fish are barely event things. That said, while most of us are aware of the usual kinds of dogs in the world – your beagles and pugs and wolves – there are a few crazy ass rare breeds out there that deserve some attention for their awesomeness.

You may recall but will be forgiven if you don’t that last year a movie about Hansel and Gretel, the famous Grimm’s fairy tale, was released. It starred Hawkeye and a woman who’s fallen into a terrible trap of big budget failures whose name I’ll look up later. What you may not know is that people apparently love this story so much they keep repeating it in worse and worse ways on a fairly regular basis. Let’s look!

I recently read something awful, that they’re planning to make Die Hard 13 (or whatever number, you get the idea) and it’s not even a joke, it’s a real thing. Did you know Bruce Willis will be 64 this year? He might be. I don’t know. But I do know he’s old. And that no one really liked the last two Die Hard movies.

So Arrested Development premiered its 4th season this weekend after being off the air for about 7 years and last month the Eli Roth produced Hemlock Grove proved that audiences will flock to Netflix to watch what basically amounts to Twilight if the lead actors are even marginally more talented and you toss in the C word haphazardly.

We’re getting close to the time of year when it’s not even a guess what the number one movie is because studios just give up on trying to compete with each other and take turns releasing blockbusters. That said, last week was all about Star Trek but this week may be a toss up – there are two contenders to the throne, neither of which is going to change your life with its cinematic awesomeness, but oh well. There’s also a wild card family movie. It’s a box office free for all!

Everyone likes a good versus movie I assume without even asking another human. Sure Alien vs Predator was a little weak and Freddy vs Jason was clearly a mistake, but the idea has potential. Cowboys vs Aliens was almost well liked and Godzilla vs King Kong is awesome. We need more head to head battles and I’m just the man to make up random ones on a whim!

Burgers are awfully close to the world’s most awesome food. There’s tacos, there’s wings, there’s properly made barbecue and there’s burgers. Yes these are all meats because as much as I enjoy a nice cherry, it ain’t meat. Something needs to no longer be alive to really impress me at dinner time.

Childish? Unnecessary? Sophomoric? No. Not at all. Listen, fart jokes are fart jokes and we’ve all heard our share but they exist for a reason – a fart is a real thing with real consequences and there are some places where farts just shouldn’t be happening. Places where people with tact and grace would never fart (graceful, tactful people fart at Dude ranches and Burger King).

Kanye West’s new album is called Yeezus. He debuted 2 new songs on SNL – Black skinheads and New Slaves, the most predictably Kanye West named songs ever. Because if there’s one thing you can count on from Kanye West it’s over the top melodrama.