The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

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Rev. Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of the town a-hunting
together—that is, I mean the doctor was shipping a sick man to t’other
world, and the preacher was pinting him right. Lawyer Bell was away up to
Louisville on business. But the rest was on hand, and so they all come and
shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him; and then they
shook hands with the duke and didn’t say nothing, but just kept a-smiling
and bobbing their heads like a passel of sapheads whilst he made all sorts
of signs with his hands and said “Goo-goo—goo-goo-goo” all the time, like a
baby that can’t talk.

Reverend Hobson and Dr. Robinson were down at the other end of town
hunting together. What I mean is the doctor was helping a sick man pass into
the next life, and the preacher was pointing him the way. Lawyer Bell was up
in Louisville on business. But the rest of the people whose names the king
had called out here here, so they all came and shook his hand and thanked
him and talked to him. Then they shook hands with the duke and didn’t saying
anything, but just kept on smiling and bobbing their heads like a bunch of
morons while he made all sorts of signs with his hands and said, “Goo-goo.
Goo-goo-goo,” like a baby that can’t talk.

So the king he blattered along, and managed to inquire about pretty much
everybody and dog in town, by his name, and mentioned all sorts of little
things that happened one time or another in the town, or to George’s family,
or to Peter. And he always let on that Peter wrote him the things; but that
was a lie: he got every blessed one of them out of that young flathead that
we canoed up to the steamboat.

The king blathered on. He manged to ask about pretty much every person and
dog in town by name. He mentioned all sorts of little things that had
happened at one time or another in the town, or to George’s family or Peter.
And he always pretended that Peter had written him about these things,
though that was a lie, of course—he’d gotten every blessed one of those
details out of that young idiot we’d taken in the canoe to the
steamboat.

Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her father left behind, and the king
he read it out loud and cried over it. It give the dwelling-house and three
thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the tanyard (which was
doing a good business), along with some other houses and land (worth about
seven thousand), and three thousand dollars in gold to Harvey and William,
and told where the six thousand cash was hid down cellar. So these two
frauds said they’d go and fetch it up, and have everything square and
above-board; and told me to come with a candle. We shut the cellar door
behind us, and when they found the bag they spilt it out on the floor, and
it was a lovely sight, all them yaller-boys. My, the way the king’s eyes did
shine! He slaps the duke on the shoulder and says:

Then Mary Jane brought the letter her father had left behind. The king
read it aloud and cried over it. The letter said he gave the house and three
thousand dollars in gold to the girls. He gave William and Harvey the
tanyard (which had been doing a good business) along with three thousand
dollars in gold and some other houses and land worth about seven thousand
dollars. It also said where the six thousand dollars in cash was hidden down
in the cellar. So they two frauds said they’d go down and bring it up so
that everything was square and on the level. They told me to come with them
and bring a candle. We shut the cellar door behind us. They found the bag
and spilled its contents out on the floor. It was lovely to see all those
yellow coins. My, the way the king’s eyes did shine! He slapped the duke on
the shoulder and said:

“Oh have you ever seen anything better than THIS? I bet not! Why, Billy,
it beats the Nonesuch scam, DOESN’T it?

The duke allowed it did. They pawed the yaller-boys, and sifted them
through their fingers and let them jingle down on the floor; and the king
says:

The duke agreed. They pawed the gold coins and sifted through them with
their fingers and let them jingle on the floor. Then the king said:

“It ain’t no use talkin’; bein’ brothers to a rich dead man and
representatives of furrin heirs that’s got left is the line for you and me,
Bilge. Thish yer comes of trust’n to Providence. It’s the best way, in the
long run. I’ve tried ’em all, and ther’ ain’t no better way.”

“It’s no use talking. Being brothers to a dead rich man and
representatives of heirs to a fortune built on furs that have nothing left
of their family line except for you and me, Bilge. We’ve been rewarded for
trusting in Providence. It’s the best way, in the long run. I’ve tried all
the scams out there, and there isn’t one better than this.”

Most everybody would a been satisfied with the pile, and took it on trust;
but no, they must count it. So they counts it, and it comes out four hundred
and fifteen dollars short. Says the king:

Most people would have been satisfied with this pile of gold and trusted
that it was all there. But these two had to count it. So they counted it and
it came out four hundred and fifteen dollars short. The king said:

“Dern him, I wonder what he done with that four hundred and fifteen
dollars?”

“Darn him, I wonder what he did with that four hundred and fifteen
dollars?”

They worried over that awhile, and ransacked all around for it. Then the
duke says:

They thought about that for a while, and ransacked the cellar looking for
it. Then the duke said:

“Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made a mistake—I reckon
that’s the way of it. The best way’s to let it go, and keep still about it.
We can spare it.”

“Well, he was a pretty sick man, and he probably just made a mistake. I
bet that’s what happened. The best thing to do is to just let it go and not
say anything about it. We don’t need it.”

“Oh, shucks, yes, we can SPARE it. I don’t k’yer noth’n ’bout that—it’s
the COUNT I’m thinkin’ about. We want to be awful square and open and
above-board here, you know. We want to lug this h-yer money up stairs and
count it before everybody—then ther’ ain’t noth’n suspicious. But when the
dead man says ther’s six thous’n dollars, you know, we don’t want
to—”

“Oh, sure, we don’t NEED it. I don’t care anything about that. It’s the
COUNT that I’m thinking about. We want to be completely square and open and
on the level here, you know. We want to lug this bag of money up stairs and
count it in front of everyone so that there won’t be any suspicion. But
since the dead man said there’d be six thousand dollars, you know, we don’t
want to….”

“Hold on,” says the duke. “Le’s make up the deffisit,” and he begun to
haul out yaller-boys out of his pocket.

“Hold on,” said the duke. “Let’s just make up the difference.” He began to
pull gold coins out of his pocket.

“It’s a most amaz’n’ good idea, duke—you HAVE got a rattlin’ clever head
on you,” says the king. “Blest if the old Nonesuch ain’t a heppin’ us out
agin,” and HE begun to haul out yaller-jackets and stack them up.

“That’s an excellent idea, duke—you HAVE got a pretty clever head on your
shoulders,” said the king. “Great that the old Nonesuch scam is helping us
out again.” Then HE began to take some gold coins out of his pockets and
stack them up.

It most busted them, but they made up the six thousand clean and
clear.

It nearly made them broke, but they were able to come up with the
difference to make an even six thousand.

“Say,” says the duke, “I got another idea. Le’s go up stairs and count
this money, and then take and GIVE IT TO THE GIRLS.”

“Hey,” said the duke. “I’ve got another idea. Let’s go upstairs and count
this money, and then take and GIVE IT TO THE GIRLS.”