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I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back. I know how much you all missed me. I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night. I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant. So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot. I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies? You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided. The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it. Why is that? Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff. Really? Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents. He is a good guy to say the least. If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it. Fuck him. OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again. By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news. A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West. It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S. did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit. Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S. Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone. Remember Iraq? The countries government was destroyed in weeks. Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army. You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied. Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch. I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels. Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side. And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”. Fucking hell people are crazy. I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well… You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks. Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA. Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly. I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary? They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines. There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway. Come the fuck on people! We all know who the problem is. It’s pissed off Moslems. Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat. Pissed off Moslems. I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes? Like pissed off Moslems? Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes. Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers. Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it. All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships. If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me. Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked? I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it. Really I just want to thank you for that. I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs. Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance. Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know. Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know). They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem. Plus they just need too. It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense. I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense. The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about. They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children. Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it. They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time. Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense. It’s a joke. Stop it. It’s not 1946 anymore. Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages? I don’t get it? You’re from Poland or Japan! I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account. I have a regular email address people can use. I really do not know what the point of most of it is. Especially the status updates. Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store. It’s like the height of vapid egotism. I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend. I get the invitations to events. But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid. Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album? I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money. Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong? I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on. One time it was just all jumbled up. This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews. It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel. The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero. What the fuck! I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic? It’s treason you shitheads. Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country? We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50. We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo. Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them. So much for free speech I guess. It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you. I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains. Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”. Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”. Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow. Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up. It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

I know what cat tastes like. I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting? You eat things like shrimp and crab right? You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach. But cat is gross?

Food

Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats. OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011. 5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English. It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome? Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity. So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters. Why? Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them. Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too? Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves? To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook. Why would you poke someone. It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people? At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something. With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”. But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them. They need a punch button. You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later. I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7. It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close. Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow. You need to be there for me guys. You know I love you…

Hmm… Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason. Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask? Well because I pick on everything. That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account. I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.

Wait I might have spoke too soon… Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars. Why do you fucks make me do this? And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too? God how I hate you all… First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so. I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake! So why am I talking about it? Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show. Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it. Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was. Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing. OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there. IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING. AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT? Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important. More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people. Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII? Seriously you need to get your priorities strait. Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life. It’s not fucking important. The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important. The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important. Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East. If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place. The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too. Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”. I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though. And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas. Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects. I always hated it because of Christmas music. Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying. You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait. I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already. Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit. My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off. On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus. Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God. You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything? You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way. I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk. Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity… This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus… I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid. As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims. At least this guy did commit a crime. I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder. Fuck you Iran, fuck you.