So, this is my life.

4 W, 1D: Anxiety Continues

So, I got a few more books yesterday in the mail (thank you, Overnight Amazon) including the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy and a journal called 40 Weeks + and the one thing I can tell you about these books is that they do absolutely nothing to make you feel any better about anything that is going on with your body.

Last night, the hubs and I went out for a lovely dinner and I was sitting there eating with delight and alternating between waves of joy and paranoia with every cramp I would get mid-dinner. In the back of my mind, I had this running dialogue– “is this a miscarriage cramp?! Or a normal cramp?” I gave the husband an entire diatribe about how this was the most important time of fetal development and I really needed to be sure I was getting my whole grains. Because they are really important, per all my books and online research.

The issue with whole grains in my household is that for the past eight months my husband I were on a “keto” diet; basically like Adkins or South Beach with a twist, really low carb, high fat, higher protein I started to take myself off of about 5 weeks ago, after another negative and reading that glucose production was important for getting pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy. I basically just upped my fruits and veggies and integrated some complex carbs. This happened to be our month– wonder if the carbs made a difference? But from here on out it means eating in a very different way from my husband, including lower fat, higher carbs, complex whole grains… stuff he doesn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Anyway, back to last night– I’m sitting there, eating bread, talking about complex carbs and cramps and being worried, and how worried this whole thing makes me, and how I have no control over anything and if something goes wrong I don’t know what we will do. And he’s being really understanding, and sweet, and supportive, and meanwhile I’m totally freaking out, sitting there wondering about every twinge, every little gurgle in my stomach.

Last night I fell asleep at… Wait for it… 7:45. And despite getting up 4 times to pee I remained in bed for a solid 11 hours. That seems positive, right? I mean … One would think I’m a normal newly pregnant lady. Why do I feel so terribly paranoid then? Like any and everything is just waiting to go wrong.

So to make myself feel better i took another test with my wondfros with pretty dilute urine, and I think I see a nice progression here:

<;– Shown left to right (from 12 DPO, labeled by date instead of DPO)

Which will make me feel better for about 2 hours until I start freaking again.