This blog documents my life in the Mormon church, my escape from it, and my transition into atheism. This is a place for ex-Mormons to share their thoughts and experiences, to discuss current Mormon issues, and for those people in the church who may be doubting their faith or feeling that something is not quite right. Comments are welcome from all points of view.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

The Fruits of Mormonism

I once had a very bizzare conversation with my TBM mother. At this point, I was seriously doubting the church but was still a semi-believer. Now the things I am going to say in this post are scary and will make my mother look bad. That is not my intention. I realize that her viewpoints and opinions come from being a deluded Mormon all her life.

My mother was dying. I knew it and so tried to have as many conversations with her as possible while I still could. I don't remember much of what we talked about. It was just spending time and making sure that when she died there were no issues unaddressed. I do, however, remember one conversation because it was so unique and really brought out many of the reasons why mom acted like she did.

It was all about the devil and his evil spirits. Once the conversation was over, I was seriously creeped out.

It started when she recalled the time when my father left the church. During that time, she had dreams and visions of the devil celebrating his victory over our family.

One such dream was about the devil dressed in a suit and disguised as a very handsome man, visiting our home and "selling" something to my dad. My dad was anxiously buying the story. As my mom watched this take place, the devil would glance at her and give her a huge evil smile. She new it was the devil and he was cheating my dad's soul. The devil knew that she knew and so would give her a sneering glance whenever my father wasn't looking.

Finally the devil and my father walked away together. But before they were gone, the devil turned around and changed into his true form (whatever that was). He then spoke to my mother saying, "I have deceived your husband and I will come back for the rest of your family!"

It horrified her and she swore that she would fight the devil to her dying breath.

My mother believed that this was no dream but an actual vision of what was happening. She described how the spirit realm is all around us and we are surrounded on a constant basis by evil snarling devils who would very much like to rip us to shreds. Of course, we can't see them but they are literally there.

She spoke of when a person thinks a bad thought, that it's not really you, but the devil speaking in your mind, using your voice to temp you and lead you astray. The devil is able to control many people in this way because they think that they are thinking for themselves. Therefore she warned against angry thoughts because that allows the devil to get one of his evil spirits inside you to mimic your voice in your head.

The devil hates you so much that he will do anything to get you out of the church. Therefore, my mother was very devout in her church life. In order to keep her children pure and clean (naive and innocent) we were not allowed to watch TV.

When my father left the church, my mother had an extremely hard time dealing with it. She did anything to keep him out of our lives so that he could not influence us. She hated him. She absolutely could not accept his new beliefs or lifestyle so she reluctantly divorced him. She expressed extreme emotions over having a broken home and she was sure that the devil was responsible. Even though she did absolutely everything she could to keep the family together, the devil won, and I don't think she ever forgave herself for it.

After they divorced, she would never see him again unless it was at a wedding of one of their children. She would not speak to him. He was now completely overtaken by evil spirits and so should be avoided. Whenever she caught him "sinning" she would fly into a rage and go absolutely berzerk. I heard one story where she pretended to go out of town just so she could sit outside the house and spy on my dad to try to catch him in a sin.

I heard another story where she followed him to work and publically screamed obsenities and threw his Playboy magazines all over the ground.

In my mothers eyes, when it came to sin there was absolutely no tolerance. No forgivness. No love. The sinner had to be punished immediately. Whether that meant a public face off, tearing the house apart, over-turing furniture, or pretending to go out of town, she was determined to see to it that no one in her house was involved with "sin".

In her desperate attempts to "save" the family, I believe that she was ultimately responsible for it's failure. Just as Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side to gain more power to save Padme's life, it ended up that his turn to the dark side was the reason for Padme's death. By trying so hard to save her, he ultimately killed her. Mom was not much different. If she had simply been tolerant and understand of my dad, things would never have been so bad. But she was absolutely incapable of that. Her Mormon programming would never allow it.

Naturally, my mom was selective about what friends her children had. She disliked non-members, but even more, she disliked Mormon kids who weren't completely active. She down right despised any of our Mormon friends who were not 100% in the church. She was more tolerant of our non-Mormon friends because, I guess, she figured that they didn't know any better.

In fact, as I look back and compare my mothers behaviour with that of many TBM's, it isn't that different: complete intolerance. I can't say that she was a bad person. She wasn't. In fact, she was a wonderful person. But when it came to the Mormon gospel, she stood her ground and would not budge, no matter what the outcome or consequence would be; no matter who it offended.

So I can't sit here and condemn her. She was Mormon. She was in the true church that the devil was working 24-7 to tear apart. She literally believed it. It was all she knew. To consider any other reality was not even an option. She knew the church was true. To her, and to the LDS church, the end justified the means.

My mother carried around so much hate and guilt and anger that it's no wonder she died. She was completely intolerant to anything non-LDS. But again, I can't blame her. She was raised in a cult that taught her elitist thinking. It was all she knew. And even though the system abused her all her life, she never turned away from it. It was true. The priesthood holders that abused her were acting unrighteously, but it never even occurred to her that it might not be true.

I don't think she ever forgave my dad for his apostasy. I don't think that she had the ability to. She did not attend my sister's wedding, simply because it was not a temple wedding. Talk about intolerance. And yet, I blame the church, not my mother, for this incredibly irrational behavour. It's a cult and that's what it does to people when they turn their complete will over to it.

It's very sad. People are so convinced that the church is true that it doesn't matter how you retaliate. I have seen ex-Mormons threaten to kill apostates. I have seen them throw insults and call names. To a TBM, it's okay. You're defending god's kingdom so anything goes.

I love and miss my mother dearly. But inside I'm glad she's not here to see my apostasy. It would break her heart.

15 comments:

Anonymous
said...

I can see why many exMos become atheists. I compliment you on your ability to compartmentalize your mother's behavior as LDS indoctrination and still hold on to what was good in her. For anyone to come out of Mormonism and still have a faith in God, in my point of view, is indeed a miracle.

I'm not sure what the numbers are of exmo's who become atheist vs. those who join some other Christian church. I've said this before, but I couldn't just point the magnifying glass at Mormonism without pointing it at Christianity too. Leaving Christianity as well as Mormonism was the only logical thing to do.

Fern, thank you for that comment. I don't know how I come across in my posts... hopefully not angry. Well, yes, I am angry but not to the point of going postal or anything. I'm just angry because I wasted the first 30 years of my life. I want those years back so I can actually have some fun and enjoy myself instead of being afraid of this angry and vengeful god.

That being said, I have found my inner peace. I follow a moral code and give service whenever possible. I am in school again and am doing fantastic. I can honestly say that I'm happier now than I have ever been before.

My mom was more extreme than most, I will definitely admit that. She had some interesting ideas. But she was talented, very smart, and a caring mother. We children were her number one priority and I'll always be grateful for that, even though I now disagree with the way she reared us.

Your mother has a rather extreme and one-sided view of the "Mormon world" that most Mormons I know do not share.

Perhaps you need to further compartmentalize here. The Mormon Church is not always responsible for the unhealthy zealotry of it's members. In fact, such extreme members often annoy other active Mormons just as much as they annoy you.

Yes, I realize that my mothers case is not the norm, but I do have to disagree with your statement that the church is not responsible for "over zealous" members.

Would my mom have been that way if raised in a different religion? Perhaps, perhaps not. We can't really know for sure. But would she have been that way if the church did not have all the radical claims that it does? Again, we can't really know, but I would wager that she would not. The church is an elitest group and it's members have the elitest attitude. Some take it further than others. I believe the church is sole responsible.

Why did you decide to put Christianity in with the same garbage can as you did Mormonism? Do you think they are both one and the same? They are not. Sadly, as you now know, Mormonism is a non-Christian cult. There is a God and His Son Jesus Christ did die on the cross for your sins over 2,000 years ago. The Mormon Jesus is not the Jesus of Christianity. There is only one Jesus and He is in Christianity.

I am thankful that you have walked away from Mormonism, but spiritually speaking you are no better off because you are still lost. I pray that you will come to Him.

I would recommend reading 'Heaven and Hell' by Emmanuel Swedenborg. He says even athiests may go to heaven. Its not what you beleive but what you do that counts. Selfish people will be with other selfish people = hell and selfless people will be with like minded people and will therefore make the place a heaven.

personally I think LDS views are the closest to reality. Good luck with your life. If your a loving person no one will really care what your religion is.

You obviously haven't read much here, because I have answered your question very thoroughly. And in my opinion you are lost, so we'll just have to accept each other no matter what our beliefs.

And I've said this before as well, don't pray for me. I find it insulting. I don't need your god's help. I've been just fine ever since telling god to take a hike and I like it that way. Don't pray for me.

"Heaven & Hell"? I've been given a lot of reading assignments lately so won't be able to get to it for a while. However, if you simply stop and think about it, it makes sense. For example:

Who would you want staying in your house? A professed Christian who lies, cheats, and steals? Or a full blown atheist who is honest, kind, and service oriented?

I understand your anger towards God. God isn't the one who did this to you. It was the one who mimics Him - the destroyer - Satan. If you keep your eyes on mankind you will always be disappointed and upset because man will do that. There are many fakes and frauds out there. There are many true Christians out there that would do anything for you while an athiest would cut your throat open for a $5 bill.

When you stand before God you won't be able to blame it on Joseph Smith or anyone else. He was a false prophet. Don't let Joseph Smith keep you out of heaven. Eternity is a long time to spend in outer darkness.

No offense, but I find your comments condescending and insulting. You really think that atheists are all mindless zombies who run around doing nothing but evil? I've got news for you. There was a study done, and I can't remember where I read this, that an atheist is more likely to be a good Samaritan than a believer!

And if you think all Christians are wonderful, perfect people, then again, you need to rethink things.

You are stereotyping atheists and you think you are so much better than us just because you have "god". If you're happy with your god, then great. But leave everyone else alone. It really is true that you Christians are obsessed with making everyone believe what you believe. And yet there are mountains of evidence, not only against Mormonism, but Christianity as well. The Bible is full of nonsense stories and really bad people. So I'll allow you to believe what you believe and I expect the same in return.

And please try to get past this whole "Christians are better than atheiests" thing because it does nothing except make you look like a condescending pharisee.

This is the message of the gospel - if the righteous scarcely be saved where shall the ungodly and the sinner stand. The gospel is a message of repentance and faith. Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. Ye must be born again. Obedience to God's commandments is a fruit of salvation. God is going to come seeking vengeance on all those that do not obey the gospel. Be forewarned of the cults - Jehovah witness, LDS, Roman Catholicism (which is the whore of Babylon), Protestants churches - Presbyterian, methodist, Anglican, Lutheran, and all others who have committed fornication with the whore these are the 10 kings these all have the blood of martyrs on their hands. There is a false gospel in the world today of easy believism and millions are perishing daily - search the scriptures, search history, no one has an excuse in this age of massive information. God's day is coming and it will be revealed by fire. Today is the day of salvation. Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. Call unto God in truth for forgiveness of your sins. Don't play with God he knows your hearts and when God does save you, you will know. Many shall hear in that day, I never knew you. Narrow is the path. Remember Lot's wife. Anybody that say's salvation is easy is a liar, we are to suffer for Christ's sake. This means taking up the cross and following after Jesus. Christ did not save and heal all that came to him, what makes anybody different. If ye continue in my word then ye are my disciples indeed. There is a famine in the land, and not of meat or drink but of truth.

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Quotes & Thoughts

New Rule: Churches don't get to offer their commentary on political matters until they start paying taxes!

"...reading the Bible is what has made me an Atheist." ~ The Citizen Atheist

Faith is just gullibility. ~ The Atheist Experience

Don't teach creationism in my school and I won't preach evolution in your church!

In your fiction book, your fiction god did a fiction miracle and that's all the proof you need!

"It's called FAITH because it is not KNOWLEDGE" ~ Christopher Hitchens

"...faith, by definition, is believing in things without evidence and, personally, I don't do that because I'm not an idiot." ~Kate Smurthwaite

"If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people." ~House

"Developing a critical mind and having your own view of the world takes education, reflection and time. Having faith is much easier. People prefer to be deceived." ~Michael Shermer

"It's hard to free fools from the chains they revere." ~ Voltaire

"Just because you don't understand something, it doesn't mean it's wrong." Arthur, Sword in the Stone

A diety who remains silent and invisible should not be angry or surprised when its existance is doubted.

Intelligent Design: Because it's so much easier to just invent an answer.

99% of people who DENY evolution can't even DEFINE it!

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?

The Bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

When you don't see the truth, it's easy to accept the illusion.

What most anti-evolution supporters don’t realize is that to nearly anyone educated in biological sciences, an anti-evolution world view today is almost equal to holding a position that the Earth is flat, and the sun revolves around the Earth.

There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.

"Does religion work? It brings some of us solace, impels some to do good (and others to fly planes into buildings), and buttresses the same moral truths embraced by atheists, but does it help us better understand our world or our universe? Hardly." ~ USA Today

Mormonism is enforced religion.

"What's so merciful about a god who punishes Adam and Eve and all of their descendants over a stupid piece of fruit?" ~ Khalid Thalib

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for a reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed" ~ Albert Einstein

Isn't it ironic that both you and your god hate the same things?

"Santa Claus never asked for 10% and I still got everything I wanted. And I wasn't good all the time either. I paid the Mormon church 10% and got zip." ~ Let Go

"For god was such a cowardly chicken shit, that he had to send someone else to do the hard stuff." Mormon411

"The good thing about Atheists is they wont knock on your door and they wont blow you up!" ~ Bumper Sticker

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." ~ Stephen Roberts

"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?" ~ Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith

"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned." ~ Unknown

"To the simple mind everything can be explained with one three letter word." ~ Michael Pain

"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." ~John Adams, 2nd President of the United States

A watered down long island iced tea: $7.00. A lap dance from your favorite girl: $20.00. Feeling absolutely no guilt for any of it: Priceless!

"I have a hard time with historians, because historians idolize the truth." ~ Boyd K. Packer

"...if God told us to brush our teeth with mud I would do it." ~ Anon TBM

Some of you are probably thinking, "Why don't you just leave them (the Mormons) alone?" So I ask you, if you saw a thirsty man drinking water from a well you knew to be poisoned, would you let him continue to drink or would you guide him to a safe well? ~ Christopher Miller

"Just as you can always tell sea water because it tastes salty, you can always recognize enlightenment because it tastes like freedom." ~ The Buddah

"What have I got to lose? My family? No. They are already gone. They were gone as soon as I was gone from their "family oriented" church." ~ ex-Mormon

"He (Joseph Smith) may get drunk every day of his life, sleep with his neighbor's wife every night, run horses and gamble... but the doctrine he has produced will save you and me and the whole world." ~ Will Jarvis

"My most painful Mormon experience was learning that having faith in something does not necessarily make it true." ~ Anon

"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction." ~Richard Dawkins

"If a faith will not bear to be investigated; if its preachers and professors are afraid to have it examined, their foundation must be very weak." ~George Albert Smith

Prayer: How to do nothing and still think you're helping.

"Being an atheist means you've been able to see through the social pressure, black balling, guilt trips, propaganda, threats against your eternal soul, etc. and be a rational person in an otherwise irrational age. We think that's something to be proud of." ~The Arrogant Atheist

"Every member a missionary? Every member a revenue generator" ~Brian, ex-Mormon

"I love god. He's so deliciously evil!" ~Stewie Griffin

"We met in a little place called the MTC... If you don't know what the MTC is, then you're not cool." ~April Fenn, LDS church member

"Each of us has to face the matter—either the Church is true, or it is a fraud. There is no middle ground. It is the Church and kingdom of God, or it is nothing." ~Gordon B. Hinckley

What's the difference between a teenager and a Mormon? Eventually the teenager will realize that he doesn't know everything.

"How we treat others is a measure of what we think of ourselves" ~Sharon Bower

Atheists have morals too.

If complexity necessitates a creator, wouldn't our creator also need a creator?

Santa Clause is to children as Jesus Christ is to adults.

"If you are truly searching for the truth, then you must be prepared to admit that you don't already have it." ~Myself as a former LDS missionary

"It's impossible to reach good conclusions with bad information...We're all entitled to our own opinions, but none of us can afford to be wrong in our facts." ~Mort Crim

"...it's not a lie if you believe it." ~George Castanza

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