“Today, thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance, if you lose your job. You’re welcome, Senate Democrats.”

“Six years into my presidency, some people still say I’m arrogant and aloof, condescending. Some people are so dumb.”

“A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst president of his lifetime, which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime.”

“I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.”

“I tease Joe sometimes, but he’s been at my side for seven years. I love that man. He’s not just a great vice president, he’s a great friend. We’ve gotten so close in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore.”

“ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy Blackish. It’s a great show, but I have to give ABC fair warning. Being blackish only makes you popular for so long. Trust me. There’s a shelf life to that thing.”

“It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic back in 2009, which, you know what, I — look, I understand. It’s an innocent mistake. It reminds me of when I identified myself as American back in 1961.”

“Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. And just as an aside, I want to point out, when a guy who has his face on a Hope poster calls you self-centered, you know you’ve got a problem. The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high.”

“Soon, the first presidential contest will take place, and I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick… I know I’ve raised a lot of money too, but in all fairness, my middle name is Hussein. What’s their excuse?”

“Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley went completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event.”

For part of his routine, Obama brought up Key and Peele star Keegan-Michael Key, who plays “Luther the anger translator” on the Comedy Central show, to interpret his mellow words.

Such as: “Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day,” Obama said. “And we can count on FOX News to terrify old white people with some nonsense!” Key “translated.”