A Girl's Guide to Winning a Husband on TV

Okay, so I’ve never been successful on The Bachelor. Or been unsuccessful on The Bachelor. Or just even been on The Bachelor. But I’m more of a learn by observation kind of girl, anyways.

After watching nineteen seasons of The Bachelor, eleven seasons of The Bachelorette, and a few unfortunate Bachelor in Paradise episodes in between - I believe I have found an exact formula for achieving ultimate success. Consider this a Girl’s Guide to Winning a Husband on TV.

1. Be Gorgeous

Only beautiful white people get to fall in love on television.

If you don’t have movie star good looks, you won’t even make it through the front door. Try eHarmony.

2. Reveal Your Darkest Secrets on the First Night

You have an amazing story. When is the right time to announce it to a perfect stranger? In the Bachelor world - Day One. You’re cutting it close if you wait to steal him away during cocktail hour. Better just throw it all out there the second you hop out of the limo.

Of course, by “throw it all out there,” I mean spend a few minutes making us think you did something really awful.
“I just need to be honest with you… *long pause* … I’m so scared that you won’t be able to look at me after this…”
Oh my gosh, did she kill a guy? Did she murder her entire family? (We will wonder this through the entire commercial break.)

“... I have dyslexia.” Oh. Oh, is that it?

If he is the Bachelor that America needs right now, he will react with appropriate sensitivity. “Thank you for telling me that. You are so brave.” If he is the Bachelor that America deserves, he’ll just murmur “Ees Okay.”

3. Confess That You’re Falling in Love by Week 3

Better yet - perform a RAP to tell him that you're in love.

It doesn’t matter that over three weeks, you've had about 40 minutes together. It doesn't matter that you haven’t actually been alone. It doesn’t even matter that two minutes ago we were all watching him make out with one of your roommates. It’s time.

Pull him aside and let him know that you see a future with him. If you breathily whisper “I think I’m falling in love with you” as your private rooftop dinner date draws to a close, it will be easier to score in post-production.

If you do not immediately tell him, how can he possibly know that you’re there for the right reasons!?!

4. Don’t be a Tattle-Tale

Crazy stuff happens in the Bachelor house, but keep your lips zipped! You only get ten minutes of conversation at a time, and it’s better spent talking about your passion for adopting stray dogs or how you were a geek in middle school than which crazy woman is dipping everyone’s toothbrushes in the toilets. Save those hilariously snide remarks for confessionals that will be replayed during the Women Tell-All.

Even worse than being the tattle-tale is being the bitch herself! Don’t be the one that the other women and America are rallying against. Unless you’re a model - in which case, you’ll still be fine.

5. Suck it up.

You finally got a date card! You and your Prince Charming will be scaling the side of a skyscraper together, with just a harness to keep you from plunging to your doom. What’s that? You have a crippling fear of heights? Too bad.

This is love, sweetheart. And love is all about doing things that make you extremely uncomfortable and afraid for your life so that your boyfriend won’t send you home in favor of one of his other girlfriends. Grab his bicep and get out there. If you survive this without having a heart attack, he’s obligated to give you the rose. If you do happen to have a heart attack, at least the ratings will go up.

6. Be Willing to Compromise

By compromise, of course, I mean flat-out lie.

The man is everything. You will do anything to win. If you let it slip that you don’t want to live in the middle of Iowa, you’ll be crying in the backseat of a limo in no time.

With these foolproof tips and tricks, you'll be well on your way to a short engagement with your TV husband. If you can’t stick to the rules, then you probably shouldn’t have quit your day job as a “Professional Babysitter” or “Disney Enthusiast.”