Sunday, October 25, 2009

It's exactly 5 years since I arrived in the USA to live here permanently. Looking back, I realise that it was one of those situations where I'd had to switch to mental auto-pilot. I do a similar thing sometimes at the dentist's or doctor's office, a useful habit of blocking out peripheral stuff, and thoughts in the subjunctive, about things that could possibly go wrong; retaining focus on a time in the near future with awkwardness gone. I stayed that way for a while, then, one day the enormity of the move hit me. I was worried. My husband was worried. Adding even more chaos to an already daunting situation, we decided to move house from my husband's home of many years. That occupied my mind and blocked out the nerves for a while. I took two brief visits back to the UK in the spring and fall of the next year, which helped a lot. I haven't been back to England since.

I've now got the hang of light switches being "up" for "on"; it's the opposite in the UK. I no longer go to the driver's door to get to the passenger seat, because for my hardwiring, in the US the driver sits on the "wrong" side. I'm still, even now, finding it difficult to use American terms for things like taps (faucets), car boot (trunk), footpath (sidewalk) and so on. American spelling comes and goes in my writing, depending on where, when and to whom it's directed. I'm not going to worry about stuff like that - I kid myself that it'll all add to my (ahem) old world..... charm.

Much cursing and complaining accompanied a four-year, very frustrating, trek through the US immigration process to citizenship. I'm thankful the trek is behind me now. If I'd known in 2004 what I know now, would I have tried to persuade my husband to stay in England with me? I often think I should have done. I'd have missed such a lot by so doing though, even if I could have succeeeded. The USA is a vast and beautiful land - can't help but love it. I've left my shadow among the petroglyphs in Arizona's Painted Desert, stood inside The Alamo, explored the Anasazi dwellings at Mesa Verde, explored the wonderful Rocky Mountains National Park, beautiful Santa Fe, travelled in Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming. Who'd have thunk it? And there's still more adventuring to be done.

Some attitudes here continue to rankle though, and I still have to perfect a way to ignore what irritates me most. "Take the rough with the smooth"....is the best advice for me I guess.

Emigration from my homeland was probably my destiny - my fate. A fortune teller told my mother, when I was still in early teenage, that I'd marry a foreigner and end my life abroad. I remembered it, but didn't ever really believe the last part. Marrying a foreigner wasn't difficult - I did it twice! I'd toyed with the idea of spending my retirement in Spain, but deep down knew that was not much more than a pipe dream.

If I could, would I go back to England? I ask myself this sometimes, then realise it's all hypothetical and hypothetical questions can be dangerous and misleading. There's nothing there for me, my family and loved ones are all gone. My family is here now. I can't go back, and that's good.

Scuffling through an old purse the other day I came across a card bought just before I left England. It bears this piece of prose by Vicki Silvers; I read it over and over then, and again in my early days here in the US. I'll copy it. Perhaps a passing reader who is also on the brink of a big life change might find it helpful:

"There comes a time in your life when you realise that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by. Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan...

Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path or trying to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.

Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "why's" and "what if's", and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was - is in the past. Whatever is - is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.

Walk your path one step at a time - with courage, faith and determination. Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm and your footing will be solid again. A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could ever have hoped to follow.

Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings."

I thoroughly enjoyed your thoughts on this Twilight, having been through some of it myself. It's made me think about my own experiences again - the US still haunts me - i often dream i still live there. I think you're right about staying. I'm glad i wasn't able to to visit the uk after i'd left it - that must be so hard. I'm back in the UK now for good i expect, but i feel like part of me will always love and feel right in Chicago. Lovely to hear your thoughts on it. I will follow them :-)

Thanks for this post, T. so heartfelt and well written. Recently, I, too, have questioned my move across Canada to NL. But bottom line is I wouldn't have it any other way.I love the prose you quoted. What is life without giant leaps into the unknown?XOWWW

I have one very selfish reason for being glad you made this change, but I have often wondered about the price you have paid and where the balance is. For as happy and better-kept as Himself has become, you have suffered woefully from the effects of this foreign air and the bumpkins who live here.I worry about you and hope the positives continue to outweigh the negatives.I admire you. You have made an enormous change that hasn't always been fun, persevered in a process that seemed determined to outwit you.I am delighted that you are here, hope you never change the way you speak, spell or think.I hope the next five years are smoother.

Kaleymorris ~~~ Hi!Thank you for your lovely comment.It's partly thanks to you and the rest of the clan that I've survived here. Had I found myself part of a different clan, I suspect the story would have a very different ending!

The allergen-filled air and the "bumpkin" input can't be changed, so it'll have to be lived with - that's the bit I still need to perfect. Maybe over the next 5 yrs. I'll grow an immunity to both. ;-)

Natally my Aquarius Sun was in 8th house. Relocated to Oklahoma USA, Aquarius is on the ascendant. :-)

As far as I know though, the fortune teller who gave my Mum that prediction didn't have access to my natal chart, other than, perhaps knowing my birthday. I think she was a psychic, or maybe a tarot reader or palmist, but certainly not an astrologer.

Hi Twighlight,I've come over from Sparrow Chat - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and also that wonderful piece - I am on the teetering edge of a major life change (my husband and I emigrate from the UK to New Zealand next week), and it sums up so much more eloquently than I can the feelings that I have and the reasons for me wanting to move.Do you mind if I borrow it to put on my blog?

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About Me

Also answers to Ann or Annie or even Twilight Annie (sounds like a character from Dickens - or Damon Runyan!)
British-born, living in the USA since 2004, US citizen since 2008.
Self-taught non-professional dabbler in astrology, which took up most of the blog-space here from Aug. 2006 to Aug. 2012. The blog now covers more general topics, along with occasional astrology- related posts. Archives can be accessed easily via links in the sidebar.