Letters I'll Never Send

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It’s been what? Five years since you last hit me? I can’t believe how much you hurt me, physically and emotionally. You did things to me I didn’t think humans were capable of. You threatened me; you threatened the only friend that saw what was going on. My parents never noticed, the teachers never noticed and the police never noticed. You said it’s because you knew where to hurt me so they wouldn’t see, you said that you knew how to inflict pain without leaving marks. But now those marks are all on the inside.

Why the fuck would you do that to a girl in middle school. You’ve screwed me up. You’ve made me terrified of men and the only way I can hide it is behind a mask of confidence and fake ‘tough girl’ attitude. I wonder how many relationships I ended because I was afraid that somehow they would do the same to me. Raised voices make me shut down now. Unless I am 100% aware of what’s going on, if someone touches me I have to fight not to panic. I have to tell myself they won’t do to me what you did. There have been times when I’ve had a few drinks and a friend will touch me and I will flip out into tears. This is your ‘markless pain’.

Do you feel good knowing you screwed someone up so that they’re like you? The damage that hurts me most is that I’m afraid I’ll never have the strong feelings from any significant other that I got from you. In all my relationships between you and now I’ve never felt like they had the intense feelings for me that you had. It doesn’t matter if your ‘love’ was more like ‘hate’, not one boyfriend or girlfriend has had that . . . passion I guess is the closest word I can think of. It was easy because I knew how you felt. With everyone else in this huge world I don’t know how they feel. I don’t even know how I feel anymore.

Because of you I resort to violence. Because of you my tongue has turned into poison. I’m a bitch because I couldn’t cope. I wish I wasn’t such a bitch, but I don’t think I can fight it. I think it’s who I am now. A damaged, vicious bitch, the worst part is that I don’t think I mind most of the time.

The part that scares me is that I know if I hadn’t moved, and you hadn’t finally been taken away that I would still be with you. I am certain, even now, you would be hurting me in any way you could. I am also certain that you’re dead. This is because I knew you, intimately, you confided in me when you’d make me bleed. You were on a highway to self-destruction.

And if you were still alive I know you would have found me by now. There are nights I still have nightmares that you find me and force me back into that dark hole that was our relationships.

I will never condone your actions. Never. But I forgive you for them. Maybe when I finally work out my issues I’ll be a stronger person. Maybe I already am. Also because I know forgiveness would piss you off. I know I’m safe now. I have friends, a lot of them. I have guy friends that would beat the living hell out of you if you ever showed up. I can talk about what happened easier with people now. My friends say I have issues to work out, and I do, but it’s better than being broken.

And I’m in love; at least I think I am. He has issue too, but he is a 100% better human being than you will ever be. I know my feelings for him surpass anything I ever felt for you. Because I ignored your faults, I ignored everything and pretended everything was ok, that it was somehow my fault and I deserved it. With him, I see his various flaws but I’m willing to deal with them, I still have deep feelings for him and I’m aware that any problem will be our fault, not just one of us. He’s afraid of hurting me, but I don’t care. I know that no one will be able to hurt me like you did and that makes me comfortable. I’m just angry to know that you still have effect five years later. You shouldn’t matter anymore.

So, even though I’ll never be able to forget you. Even though I will never be able to pretend that you didn’t abuse me. I forgive you for trying to break me. I just came out a little messed up but stronger. You’ve made me a little more unique than I wanted to be but it’s my life and I’m proud of it.

Thanks for introducing me to Three Days Grace, for the scars and even if I forgive you I’d still piss on your grave if I could find it.

2 Responses to I Forgive You

M, your post shows that you’ve made great gains; however, you should consider counseling to help you further your healing. I say this because my father physically abused me, and even though I felt I had overcome it, I wasn’t until I had children that I realized I still had unresolved issues. I wish you the best in your journey in life and I hope life treats you more kindly. Kim