When Gwyneth Paltrow approaches, you can count on two things. First, she’s going to tell you that you look amazing but you’ll quickly realize she’s really talking about herself. Second, she’s going to reluctantly share a crazy sex thing she’s into and you’re going to be forced to pretend it’s true. Paltrow’s public relations teams enacted Plan 9 for Gwyneth Paltrow when she and Gay Beethoven split up. Women with reputations for being cold don’t do well image wise when their man leaves them. The standard plan calls for (1) insisting you’re good buddies with your ex, (2) dropping dating rumors involving handsome co-stars, and (3) leaking as many crazy sex stories into the fatty gossip sphere. I don’t know if it works. I know Gwyneth Paltrow won’t stop talking about her sexual adventures. She went on Ellen and admitted she’s a member of the Mile High Club. She seems kinky. I wish she were my girlfriend. Let’s go see her movie, twice.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been making the rounds on talk shows doing her “I’m just one of the guys” shtick where she pretends she could easily be your weekend hang out buddy. She told Howard Stern that wives should give their husbands more blowjobs, she told some chick media outlet how she loves cooking meals for the kids with Jennifer Garner, and then she went on the Tonight Show to flash her vagina cleft and get goofy with Jimmy Fallon. Wow, the perfect woman. Kind of like that perfect sushi you see in the display window that tastes like laminate and need to be carved out of your colon should you be fucked up enough to consume it. I suppose it sucks to know that the entire world minus your awesome amazing supportive gal pals don’t think you’re a very nice person. Although it’s never bothered me enough to flash my reproductive parts to the nation.

Gwyneth Paltrow interviews inevitably boil down to her trying to sound profound while discussing how nobody gives her the shit she wants. It’s like listening to a four year old channeling Aristotle during a tantrum because the Winnebago Barbie is out of stock. To perceive is to suffer… I want Barbie! On discussing her unconscious coupling from Gay Beethoven:

“I had built my life on trying to be all things to all people, and I just couldn’t do it anymore, and I really had the sense that I wasn’t allowed to have needs, and I had to prove my specialness or self-worth by doing all this stuff and taking care of everybody else, and I just sort of hit a wall.”

I don’t have a clue what that means but I’ll just assume she wants to be a super bitchy and still get laid while being told she’s beautiful. That’s a gift you may not receive from your husband who never got over his boarding school boy crushes. Paltrow says she and Chris Martin only now have the relationship they were meant to have. Which is, she can drop the kids off for a couple weeks while she experiments with tantric sex in picturesque villa getaway in Morocco, only $7,900 if you book through Goop. Let’s ignore her and hope she stays in her room.

Lithesome harpy Gwyneth Paltrow believes that women are mean to each other and that needs to stop. It’s okay for women to be mean to men and children and pets not named Sir Reginald, but women need to have each other’s backs and encourage one another to buy lots of shit they don’t need. As a for instance, on Goop.

Yahoo! is almost entirely click-bait computer generated titles with Sudanese refugees and moonlighting U.S. Postal Service clerks penciling in a few paragraphs that may or may not have anything to do with the headline. You can forget seeing the video touted in the lead, it’s not there. Yahoo! shouldn’t be allowed to criticize anyone. But they did. Gwyneth Paltrow. That still seems oddly fair.

Somebody found something saying Yahoo! CEO Marissa Meyer dropped Gywneth Paltrow from a feature gig writing for Yahoo! Food because Paltrow was a college dropout. If you guessed she had a PhD in a hard science on trivia night, you’re probably going to be asked to leave your team. The Yahoo! CEO places a particularly strong emphasis on employees having a college degree and just having been rejected by Google and Facebook for real jobs. Given that most Yahoo! Food articles are barely vetted listicles on ten items you should be including in your diet, an eerily similar list to the article they ran a week earlier about ten food items that might be killing you, the standard seems pretty low. I’m sure they could suffer a few paragraphs from Paltrow on anti-oxidant berries that taste delicious spitting in your husband’s eye and calling him a cowardly homo who ruined your life. I’m sure there’s something in the bible about the inane judging the stupid and I bet it ends in apocalypse.

Gwyneth Paltrow seems like the perfect woman to be instructing other women on the glory of sexual exploration. I wouldn’t read to much into her henpecking Gay Beethoven until he fled in the middle of the night with his travel piano. She could’ve been legs akimbo in the sex swing every afternoon and all he was inspired to do was write a song about a medical book he read as a child. Gwyneth isn’t going to let that happen to her high-end frigid Goop clients. She launched a special feature digging into the world of Tantra, which is the Indian word for long, slow, creepy sex between dudes with ponytails and women who talk a lot about sensual aromas but mostly smell like liverwurst.

I read the article twice and gleaned the fact that married couples get bored with each other very quickly and the sex suffers. This can be cured if the husband orders his wife to get loaded on wine when she gets home, take a bath, and then drowns in the tub and he finds himself a hot young second wife replacement. Also by staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Unless you’re charging money over a live stream, I’ve never seen the need for sex to last longer than a commercial break, maybe a half-time break if it’s her birthday. If women want amazingly grateful and hard working lovers, they should follow the lead of our nation’s high school English teachers and start fucking high school boys who will go down on them for an hour in exchange for buying up beer. You won’t read that advice on Goop, it’s too useful.