Survivor Guilt

Leading up to Valentine’s Day, jewelers, florists and fancy restaurants all fight for your business.

They each stress the importance of showing your sweetheart how much you care on what many consider the most romantic day of the year.

But when you or your loved one is battling mesothelioma, you may not have the energy, the funds or the desire to make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day.

When mesothelioma intrudes into a marriage, a couple may feel like they have gone from husband or wife to patient or caregiver. This has its own set of challenges and adjustments.

As a couple shifts gears toward battling mesothelioma, they may put nurturing their relationship on the back burner to focus on fighting the cancer and managing treatment side effects.

I found that some marital relationships are strengthened by the experience of fighting cancer together.

But many couples find the stressors that accompany a mesothelioma diagnosis can negatively affect their relationship.

Financial worries, fatigue, social isolation, decreased libido and communication problems while dealing with mesothelioma can strain a partnership at a time when couples want their relationship to be at its most resilient.

It is no wonder that couples fighting mesothelioma have enough on their plate without the pressure of trying to make Valentine’s Day special.

Little Gestures Can Go a Long Way

As a couples therapist, I found that the happiest couples don’t save up their romantic gestures for one or two special days of the year such as Valentine’s Day or their anniversary.

They let their partner know they are loved and appreciated on a regular basis.

These caring behaviors don’t have to be elaborate gestures that require a lot of money or preparation.

You can do little things each day to show your loved one you are thinking about them.

It is the little things that keep a relationship strong. It is the tone of your voice when speaking to your partner. It is the private jokes you share that no one else gets. It’s saying to your partner “I appreciate your help,” or listening to their fears or worries without trying to fix the problems or give false reassurance.

Give your loved one a foot rub without being asked. Make your partner their favorite homemade meal and let them indulge.

Simple gestures speak volumes.

Don’t Let Valentine’s Day Create Added Stress

When a couple is dealing with a life-threatening diagnosis such as mesothelioma, the last thing they need is to feel pressured to live up to an unrealistic expectation on Valentine’s Day.

Take a moment and reflect upon what your partner loves about you and appreciates about your time together.

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to let your loved one know you love them and are thinking about them on Valentine’s Day.

And make sure they know how much you care the other 364 days of the year.

As a therapist, I am certainly not immune to emotional distress and trauma. The biggest mass shooting ever to occur in the United States just took place in my hometown of Orlando at a nightclub that I have been to before. My friends/colleagues in mental health work at the very hospital where over 53 injured victims were taken and they are frantically trying to comfort distraught shooting victims and the family members who are looking for their loved ones who may be injured or dead. All the first responders who attended the scene may have trouble getting the picture of what they saw in the nightclub out of their heads. My own brain is struggling with the enormity of it all as this huge loss to our community sinks in even though I was safely home in bed when the whole event occurred.

A big part of my practice these days involves using a type of therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) in my work with clients who have survived a trauma of some kind like rape, plane crashes, car crashes, physical abuse or witnessing a violent death. These clients have developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and their symptoms include:

-Avoiding the place where the trauma occurred or anything that reminds them of the event

-Feeling hyper-aroused which means they have trouble sleeping and feel jumpy and/or irritable

-Dreaming about the traumatic event

-Having panic attacks

When I think about all the recent victims of this mass shooting, I know that many of the survivors will develop PTSD in the coming weeks and months. Family members and loved ones of those who perished may also develop PTSD as a result of having to identify their bodies of their loved ones and grieving their unexpected and tragic loss. Not everyone develops PTSD as a result of experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event and we don’t really know why that is. But, what I do know is that many people with PTSD suffer in silence for a long time before they go to their physician or a mental health professional for diagnosis and help.

If you or a loved one begins experiencing symptoms of PTSD after a traumatic event or loss, please don’t ignore the symptoms or tell yourself that you just need to “suck it up and be strong.” PTSD is a very treatable condition and the impact that untreated PTSD has on one’s quality of life is profound.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims of this senseless tragedy. I work with a lot of LGBT clients in my practice and I take comfort in knowing that our local LGBT community is very strong and that they will support each other as they heal.

Survivor guilt (sometimes incorrectly termed as, survivor’s guilt) is a term often heard in the aftermath of wars, natural disasters, or some type of traumatic event. Unfortunately, this type of guilt occurs frequently and in a variety of situations. Victims of rape or assaults can believe that they are at fault or that they could have prevented the attack. Emergency workers who are unsuccessful in trying to save a life can feel guilt that they should have done things differently or acted more quickly. When a person commits suicide, the surviving loved ones usually believe that they should have done something differently to avert the suicide. The guilt that goes along with these traumatic events can lead to depression. Survivor guilt is also common in people who develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of a trauma.

Mental health counselors working with traumatized clients with depression or PTSD begin by helping them sort their emotions out. Often times, these clients don’t even recognize the presence of survivor guilt until it is pointed out by a skilled professional. The guilt that results from the traumatic event or events can leave clients feeling like the event was their fault, or that something could have been done to prevent it.

These feelings of guilt become associated with a perception of some type of wrongdoing. Most times, being able to talk about the experience and gain a better understanding of the trauma itself with a mental health therapist can help people move towards a healthier realization that the event was not their fault, or that there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

Unresolved feelings of guilt can intensify and create deeper feelings of hopelessness, negative self-worth and self-esteem, which further exacerbate depression. This guilt can intensify during times of stress and can have a negative impact upon relationships and work.

The most difficult part of overcoming guilt after recognizing it, is letting go of the guilt and accepting that there was nothing they could have done differently to have changed the outcome. A counselor can aid in helping one recognize this fact and help the individual work through the issues of self-blame. It is not always an easy journey, and may raise some emotions that one may have spent many years avoiding, but talking about it with a licensed mental health counselor can be an important first step towards alleviating the guilt and depression that one may be suffering from.

It is important to remember that survivor guilt is not experienced by everyone or to the same levels of intensity. It will be different for each individual. However, when guilt and depression begin to interfere with the normal functions of daily life, it may be time to seek the assistance of a counselor.

It is important to find a counselor with whom you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings AND who has the necessary expertise to help you reach your goals. For that reason, we offer a free brief phone consultation to ensure that we are the right fit for you. If you are feeling depressed, have feelings of guilt, or would like to discuss some other issue(s), please don’t hesitate to contact Dana Nolan at 407-340-2474.

Our office is conveniently located in Altamonte Springs, just north of Orlando.

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