Ivanka Trump: President Daddy Almost Gave Me Job F**king Up The World Bank

You might recall that
Ivanka Trump, a failed designer of butt-ugly clothing, is also the daughter of Donald Trump, the president of the United States. It is among her only accomplishment. She is currently on her third year of the White House's Take Your Daughter to Work Day. She's the senior adviser to the president, but she almost upgraded it to a position with actual responsibilities and a job description.

During an interview Tuesday with the
Associated Press, Trump said her father, the president, asked her about becoming the new head of the World Bank, which is a real thing that exists in the world. His reasoning, aside from his general contempt for all that is decent and proper, is that Ivanka is apparently "very good with numbers." We doubt this is true, unless the president is referring to the time they spent playing a child's board game involving dice and a thimble.

Trump passed on the job, she claims, because she is happy with her current role as head of contrived bullshit. (It also would've likely violated anti-nepotism laws.) She was, however, part of the selection process for the new chief of something she doesn't understand. The lucky recipient of Trump's castoff is David Malpass, who Trump graciously says will do "an incredible job." Malpass is a Georgetown-educated economist and was recently Under Secretary of the Treasury for International Affairs. He does not need Trump's LinkedIn testimonial.

The World Bank president serves a five-year, renewable term, but they are first confirmed by the board of executive directors. This is not some common Electoral College. The board doesn't just willingly elect morons. Trump probably has sufficient self-awareness to avoid publicly embarrassing herself -- even if it had been legal. But having discussed the position is enough to bolster her credentjals for a more prominent job she knows firsthand that just about any rich asshole can do. Does Ivanka Trump want to be president? Are we all going to die? The answer to both questions is quite possibly "yes."

Last week's Atlantic had an extended profile on the first daughter, which explains the air sick bags that came with the print edition. The story behind the piece is absurd. See, author Elaina Plott had been trying forever to set up an interview with Trump, who is far too busy and important — not to mention modest! — to accept. Plott knows Trump personally, which is revealed after the reader has almost choked already on their own vomit. This is how Plott describes meeting Caroline Bingley:

Ivanka was hard to miss—taller and prettier than everyone else. I was a fan, as were most girls I knew. We thought she had it all—her own company, a pretty family, a pretty apartment. When I saw an opening, I told her as much. She thanked me and told me she liked my dress. We took a photo together, which I posted on Instagram.

Trump never officially granted Plott's interview request, but White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders called up Plott and asked if she'd settle for second best -- the president himself, who'd happily discuss on the record how awesome his daughter is. This is pathetically transparent. And of course Trump "accidentally" walked into the interview anyway.

During Trump's Vanity Fair cover story posing as an Atlantic feature, President Daddy makes clear that he remembers all his children who aren't Ivanka more or less equally.

"Barron is young, but he's got wonderful potential," he said. "And Tiffany's doing extremely well. Don is, uh, he's enjoying politics; actually, it's very good. And Eric is running the business along with Don, and also very much into politics. I mean, the children—the children have been very, very good."

"Uh..."

Let's recap: The president isn't that impressed yet with his youngest son but he has potential. It's like a movie that starts slow but you're hopeful will pick up soon. Tiffany is at least "doing extremely well." Then we get to dumber and dumbass. Don is ... uh... enjoying the political scene. He's contributed nothing of note, but he's having a good time. "It" — not him, not his actual son — is "very good." Eric is running the business. That's what he's got going on. Nice, clear statement of facts there. The president probably received a Scooby Snack for remembering all their names.

But Ivanka, whom he sometimes calls "Baby'" in official meetings, is "unique.'"

This is where the president "casually" planted the idea that he'd considered Trump for the World Bank job. He also thinks she'd be great at his job. Fortunately, he's set a pretty low bar.

If Trump sees any of his children as his heir apparent, it's Ivanka. "If she ever wanted to run for president," he said, "I think she'd be very, very hard to beat." At 37, she is old enough.

Yeah, literally every native-born citizen who is at least 35 is "old enough." We need to narrow down the list of qualified applicants. That's how you end up with the current Democratic primary. But, as the Atlantic article observes, Trump maintains a "pleasing blankness." Who knows? That might be good enough to carry Iowa someday.

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)