Rich, Glamorous Qbs -- You Pay For What You Get

So you want your son to to be an NFL quarterback? Try bullfighting, it`s probably safer. Again this season, the most glamorous position in football is proving to be the most dangerous.

One by one, quarterbacks are going down and out. A dislocated shoulder. A bruised hip. A battered knee. After five weeks, eight of the 28 starters have missed at least one game. A ninth, New England`s Tony Eason, is doubtful Sunday against the Jets with bruised ribs, and a 10th, San Diego`s Dan Fouts, is playing with a nose broken in eight places, compliments of the Raiders.

Of the eight, San Francisco`s Joe Montana (back) and Indianapolis` Gary Hogeboom (shoulder) are out for the season. The remaining six -- some of them have returned -- are the Raiders` Marc Wilson (shoulder), Dallas` Danny White (hip), Chicago`s Jim McMahon (shoulder), the Rams` Steve Bartkowski (knee), the Jets` Ken O`Brien (shin) and the Saints` Bobby Hebert (foot).

With the added emphasis on rushing the quarterback, the list of wounded should grow. By season`s end, the Pro Bowl quarterbacks might be the last two standing.

``Those poor guys are back there with five or six crazy defensive linemen trying to kill them,`` Buffalo tight end Pete Metzelaars said. ``You see them get hit and you wonder how they can do it. I feel for them. I feel for their families.``

But don`t pity them too much. Those megabuck contracts have a way of easing the pain.

OILERS SHOULD RUN AND HIDE

AROUND THE NFL -- The Houston Oilers (1-4) have a pathetic rushing attack, and team management deserves the blame. Running backs Eric Dickerson (Rams), Curt Warner (Seahawks) and Herschel Walker (Cowboys) were obtained with draft picks that had belonged to the Oilers. . . Speaking of Herschel, he has finally decided to divulge his secret to success: 500 situps and 250 pushups a night. ``I do them while I watch television,`` he said. . . Kushy job: Former Colts coach Frank Kush is working with a Pop Warner team in Tempe, Ariz., drawing up plays that rarely worked in Baltimore and Indianapolis. . . Eagles coach Buddy Ryan on winning two in a row after an 0-3 start: ``I knew we`d get better. It would have been hard to be worse.``

The AFC East is quickly becoming the AFC Least. Against non-division opponents, the AFC East is 1-8. . . King of the block: The Seattle Seahawks have blocked 11 field goals or punts in their last 18 games. . . San Francisco tackle Bubba Paris is at 309 pounds, 14 above his playing weight. Paris has been fined $10 per overweight pound a day since training camp. ``I`ve been fined more than what most people make in a year,`` Paris said. . . The Bear fact: Quarterback Jim McMahon has not lost in his last 20 starts. . . Worst team in the NFL: Green Bay with ease. Best team: Denver by a field goal over Chicago.

REPLAY SYSTEM BECOMING A JOKE

The NFL`s new instant replay system has been an instant flop. Don`t expect it to be back next season. The clincher came Sunday when the official doing the Chiefs-Raiders game misunderstood the message from his man in the booth -- pass incomplete was mistaken for pass complete -- and a touchdown that should have been nullifed wasn`t. Now some league officials are talking about putting a light atop the 30-second clock to help avoid further communication breakdowns. If the light goes on, it means a call is being questioned and the game should not resume. ``This whole thing has turned into a comedy,`` said Chiefs General Manager Jack Steadman. Trouble is, nobody`s laughing.

If you`re wondering where all the big names have gone, check this year`s retired list. It includes Joe Theismann, Billy Sims, Earl Campbell, John Riggins, Lyle Alzado, Lee Roy Selmon and John Hannah. . . What`s in a name: The Chargers have a place-kicker named Rolf (Benirschke) and a punter named Ralf (Mojsiejenko). . . Author, author: The Dallas Cowboys can form their own literary club. Former Cowboys who have written books include Peter Gent, Pat Toomay, Roger Staubach, Craig Morton, Lance Rentzel, Mike Ditka and Preston Pearson. Harvey Martin and Tony Dorsett have books in the works. . . And finally, former Pittsburgh quarterback Terry Bradshaw on much-maligned successor Mark Malone: ``If that were me, they`d have run me out of town by now.``