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A hollow victory for New Jersey's gays: Opinion

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American University students Sharon Burk,left, and Mollie Wagoner embrace after hearing that the U.S. Supreme Court struck down part of the Defense of Marriage Act. The Supreme Court ruling prompted celebrations across the country. But in some states, like New Jersey, where gay marriage remains unavailable, the celebrating was more muted.
(Getty Images)

Without marriage, it is all a pretense; a close-but-no-cigar approximation.

By Deborah Howlett

Thirteen years ago on Monday, Cindy and I stood together on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. In front of a hundred family and friends, beneath the bluest of skies, we exchanged rings and vowed to love each other for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health; until death do us part.

Together we had two beautiful children. We moved to New Jersey and bought the best house we could afford in a small town with excellent public schools. Cindy, who was a stay-at-home mom, volunteered at the church where our daughters attended nursery school. I coached the girls’ soccer teams. I mowed the lawn. Cindy did the laundry.

My friend, Dennis, a divorced father of two, likes to joke that we are the most traditional married couple he knows.

We aren’t though.

Cindy and I are not even legally married.

Under the law, because we are two women, we are little more than strangers to each other. We have done what we can: Our wills are intertwined; we have joint life insurance policies; we went through second-parent adoptions of our children. We bound ourselves together in life and love as tightly as we could. But, without marriage, it is all a pretense; a close-but-no-cigar approximation.

The differences can be measured in a thousand different ways.

For instance, we can’t file our taxes jointly. We don’t have the right of survivorship for Social Security benefits. Cindy’s health care plan covers our entire family, but the federal government taxes us on the portion that her employer pays to include me in our family plan. They don’t do that to married couples.

Worse, I hate having to explain to my kids that we aren’t married. Try telling a 9-year-old that “technically” civil unions are the same as marriage. Even at that age she understands her parents’ relationship has second-class status.

Don’t get me wrong: we were overjoyed that the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday and in doing so recognized that a key section of the federal law denied married, same-sex partners equal protection under the law. It is truly a historic decision and we will celebrate with friends.

But for us, in New Jersey, where we are allowed a civil union but not marriage, the victory is incomplete. The court was quite clear in its opinion. It used the term “marriages made lawful by the unquestioned authority of the States.” It did not say civil unions or domestic partnerships.

So while we celebrate the Supreme Court’s validation of our family, we now must rely on the state of New Jersey to step up and clear away any remnants of confusion caused by its untenable, two-tiered system.

Earlier this year Gov. Chris Christie vetoed legislation to legalize same-sex marriage. The bill was passed by the Legislature mainly along partisan lines, and Senate President Stephen Sweeney (D-Gloucester) promised a vote before the summer recess to override the veto.

It’s now time to call that vote.

It’s time for every member of the Legislature to set aside the political calculations and grant all New Jersey families equal rights under the law. This isn’t a partisan issue and it isn’t a gauge of support for the governor or an acid test of his conservative credentials.
And if the Legislature refuses to do so, it’s time to take the decision to the people and demand a statewide vote on the matter.

It’s time for Cindy and me to get married, for real.

Deborah Howlett is senior partner at Amplify Inc. She served as director of communications for Gov. Jon Corzine, and before that was an award-winning reporter for The Star-Ledger and USA Today.