Thursday, September 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says trust in the media has dropped to 40%, an all time low. Mostly because the other 60% spend all their time watching Fox News.

A poll says trust in the media has dropped to 40%, an all time low. The other 60% wouldn’t take part in the survey because they felt the numbers may be misrepresented.

An Internet tracking company says there are now 1 Billion websites online. Although that number drops to around 350 if the count excludes any porn sites.

A survey shows that the number of billionaires in the world has reached a record high of 2,325. On one hand, people are impressed that so many people can become that rich. On the other hand, they figure it can’t be that difficult if one of them is Donald Trump.

A national panel says that end of life care needs to be overhauled. Which means Sarah Palin may not have been as crazy as she seemed when she was warning us about all those government death panels.

A national panel says that end of life care needs to be overhauled. A better idea would be to overhaul health care to help people while they are still alive instead of waiting until they are ready to die to try to help them.

A study says that artificial sweeteners may promote diabetes. Researchers are working to combat the problem by trying to develop an artificial pancreas and insulin.

A new Radar gun can reportedly catch drivers who are texting behind the wheel. It works not only by measuring speed but also detecting the car’s movement from side to side across three lanes of traffic.

A new Radar gun can reportedly catch drivers who are texting behind the wheel. The idea is that if the car is moving, the person driving is probably texting.

Marijuana retailers are starting a campaign to battle the image of pot smokers being a bunch of stoners. The ad campaign is projected to be completed some time in late 2017 or early 2018.

A town in Washington state has passed a law banning people with bad body odor from being out in public. Which pretty much kills their tourism council’s chance at booking any group travel excursions from France.

Pizza Hut is testing a “skinny slice” lower calorie pizza. Does that really work? How many thin people have you ever seen at a bar drinking light beer?

Pizza Hut is testing a “skinny slice” lower calorie pizza. The only problem is that it doesn’t work if people eat three of those pizzas compared with the two regular pizzas they gulp down at one sitting now.

The Census Bureau says the pay gap between men and women is smaller than ever. Mostly because companies can’t pay anyone lower than the minimum wage they are paying everyone now.

Scottish voters go to the polls today to decide whether they want independence from the UK. The campaign to stay tells people that the U.S. did the same thing 238 years ago, and look how bad things have gotten since then.

Alaskan residents will receive $1,900 this year from the state’s oil savings account. Most of the state’s energy money comes from the same residents who will spend that $1,900 to pay their heating bill just for the first three days of December.

An American man was arrested for trying to swim from South Korea into North Korea. Some countries have very strict policies about foreigners entering their country. Where did he think he was, back home in the U.S.?

A U.N. botched computer program is threatening to undermine peacekeeping activities. At least we know now what happened to the team of technicians who put together the Obamacare website.

A U.N. botched computer program is threatening to undermine peacekeeping activities. Which is unfortunate as people were really excited to see the U.N. finally do something to try to keep the peace.

A report says that 60% of Millennials want to own a home someday. They are just waiting to find a job and pay off their college loans, which means if they are lucky they should be able to start shopping for mortgages when they are about 80.

9,000 customer service agents for American Airlines based in southern states have voted to unionize. Labor experts were shocked. American Airlines has a customer service department?

A report says that more than half of all Americans are single now, compared with 37% back in 1976. Which means the latest “Star Wars” release can expect at least a 13% increase in ticket sales.

An ad campaign is trying to explain the difference between smoking and eating marijuana. For one thing, before pot was legalized the only reason people ate it was to get rid of the evidence when the police knocked at their door.

An ad campaign is trying to explain the difference between smoking and eating marijuana. Although if you can’t tell if you are smoking or eating pot, you are probably too stoned in the first place.

Encyclopaedia Britannica is looking to increase its digital presence and gain users. The reference book is 246 years old. Which means unfortunately the people there have apparently never heard of Google or Wikipedia.

A report says there is a shortage of breast implants available in Venezuela. Apparently the shortage is a result of a sagging economy.

A report says there is a shortage of breast implants available in Venezuela, a sign of the country’s widespread economic issues. Ironically, at a time when women can’t get larger breasts the country’s bond rating is now DD.

Attorney General Eric Holder says that Wall Street executives are being investigated for their roles in the economic crash. Not that the Department of Justice is being accused of dragging its feet, but the investigations are about the stock market crash of 1929.

A report says that strong holiday hiring is expected this year. And that’s just for store security departments to break up all the brawls involving shoppers during the Thanksgiving weekend sales.

Novo Nordisk, a pharmaceutical company from Denmark is planning an obesity research center in Seattle. Which just seems a bit ironic that a Danish company interested in solving a problem caused by eating too much cheese Danish.

The CDC says that deaths from prescription drugs quadrupled from 1999 to 2011. Mostly from people who started taking painkillers around 2007 every time they got their monthly 401(k) statement.

The CDC says that deaths from prescription drugs quadrupled from 1999 to 2011. Mostly from people who went on tranquilizers every time they got billed for their pharmacy copays.

Researchers say that magic mushrooms could be used to cure depression and addiction. Mostly after people eat the mushrooms and forget what they were depressed about because they spend the entire afternoon wondering how their shoes got tied.

A report says that households with children ate less junk food in 2012 than they did in 2007. That’s because after the economy crashed in 2007, people have considered even McDonald’s to be a luxury expense.

A study says that how healthy people eat indicates how much money they have. Which means by looking at American waistlines it shows that the people are in just about as bad of shape as the economy.

A study says that how healthy people eat indicates how much money they have. Which explains all the muggers who have been seen lurking around the parking lot at Whole Foods.

The CDC says the average American waistline is now nearly 39 inches. That means the average waistline is bigger than a yard, but it isn’t unusual to see some rear ends as big as the whole house.

Scientists have developed a wristband that uses the wearer’s heart rhythm as a password for their Internet accounts. The only problem is when their heart goes into cardiac arrest after seeing their Target credit card account has been hacked again.

A study says that violent movies can cause aggression, but only in people who are already prone. Although moviegoers can also become very angry after realizing they paid $8 to see the latest Adam Sandler movie.

A report says that dying Americans often get treatments they don’t want or need. The problem is that they probably wouldn’t be dying if their insurance company would pay for the treatments they need to recover while they are still alive.

Sharon Osbourne says that U2 gave away their latest album because no one wanted to buy it. On the other hand, her husband Ozzy can still sell albums to people who will listen to it constantly trying to figure out what he is actually singing about.

Alanis Morissette says that fame caused her to suffer PTSD. Although she didn't suffer it as badly as every man who dated her after she recorded “You Oughta Know.”

“America’s Funniest Home Videos” has turned 25. The show is so old that people who watched it in the early days still actually know what a VHS tape is.

“America’s Funniest Home Videos” has turned 25. The show celebrates the ability of Americans to have a camera ready any time someone has a chance of being hit in the groin.

“Dating Naked” has been picked up for a second season on VH1. The show isn’t doing that well in the ratings, but the show still makes money by saving a bundle on wardrobe expenses.

Joan Rivers’ personal doctor is being accused of taking a selfie with the comedian in the operating room while she was under anesthesia. Authorities don’t see it so much of a selfie as they consider it a possible mug shot.

French actor Gerard Depardieu says he can drink up to 14 bottles of wine a day. Which is about the same amount of wine drunk by the women who actually considered him a sex symbol.

Kim Kardashian says she and Kanye West are trying for a second baby. The only problem is that with Kanye in the house it means she will have to pretty much care for three children by herself.

The NHL is saying no for now to sponsors’ ads on team jerseys. Although so far they are getting a lot of interest from Crest, Oral-B and the American Dental Association.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston will have to sit out the first half of this week’s game after using vulgar language on campus. Athletic administrators came down on him hard after he was overheard suggesting the school was spending too much on sports and not enough on academics.

Experts say that people are stressing out cats by treating them like dogs. In fact, the cats are so stressed out that they are only able to now sleep 23 1/2 hours out of the day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Scotland is voting for its independence today. The only question is why has England kept them this long? Apparently the number one issue for the vote to leave England is so they can keep the pubs open on election day. The good thing about keeping the pubs open in Scotland is the drunker that Scots get, the easier it is to understand what they are saying. The only poll that matters here is the one where you express what you think of my jokes by remembering to send the love!