Author Archive

April 4, 2012

Ratings Rationale: Just when you think you found the one, you realize that the one is not…the one. He was so hot. A beautiful specimen. OMG, he was a god, a Greek God, an actual Greek God. He went by Helios. I wanted to prove my independence after I graduated college, so I drew down on my parents’ savings to finance a 6 week back-packing trip across Europe’s five star hotels in such exotic places as the Riviera, Croatia, Cinque Terre (too cute for words), and lastly, and amazingly, Mykonos.

This is where I met him, my Helios, the perfect man. He had long dark hair, Helios did, and so much charisma. He showed me around town, me with arms wrapped around his waist as he steered his scooter along sea roads. He lavished me with drinks, booked us in a lovely little hotel where our room had a balcony that looked out on the water. And in bed, let’s just say my world was his oyster. Or maybe his oyster was my world? I’m really bad at metaphors like he was really good in bed. No austerity anywhere to be seen.

But one morning I woke up and he was gone. He had retired to some location unknown, maybe to put in some face time at the “job” which he’d mentioned once in passing but which he never seemed to have to go to — not unlike how the married men I’ve slept act towards their families. In his place on the bed was one thing: the bill. He was asking me to finance his romancing of…me! He’d LITERALLY left me with the bill! I felt used, betrayed, like our entire relationship — his trade of money and time and hotness for my trade of young, female and American attentions — was for naught. So frustrating!

When he came back, after spending two hours at his “job,” a glass of ouzo in one hand, I confronted him, waving the bill in his face. He said some stuff in Greek to me. I stared back blanky. It was actual Greek. 10 years of boarding school and I only knew classical Greek. Then, in his bedeviling broken English, he said: “Look, toots, we both got something out of this, so let’s drop the naive kitten act and start calling a spade a spade. What we had was swell, baby, while it lasted. But I’m no Croesus, baby. You’re American, so you’re probably not cultured enough to know who he is, but Croesus had real money, mega bucks, baby. But me, I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. I just have an unfinished (for tax purposes) condo in Athens, a vacation home in Mykonos, an investment property in Turkish Cyprus, and an 8 hour per week job that pays peanuts, only €150,000 per year under the table. So, see, I can’t handle the bills for our little fling, these threads, or even these digs.”

I had never noticed that his bedeviling broken English took all its euphemisms and structure from 1940’s B movies. I looked him in those rich chestnut eyes. “This has to stop now, Helios. I can’t afford to continue to subsidize us. Either you leave this union, or pay me back.”

“Ok, it’s going to be ok, baby. We’ll work something out, you can bank on it. Just give it a little time, a few more days, or months, or years, or decades. I’ll put up some of my assets. Maybe my yacht or this little island I own. The whole kit and caboodle. But before I do that, why don’t you and me and a bottle of ouzo go for a weekend in Athens. We’ll take in the sights, we’ll see the people, I’ll take you for a spin, a real wild time, kitten.”

2 years of daily back and forth and amazing moments — moments even better than my JYA — later I came to my senses. Melissa Moody realized Helios wasn’t going to pay her back. He was my Greek God and he was great. But he was an irresponsible debtor, with no interest in austerity and less interest in repaying debt. He could, maybe, but he wouldn’t. And my parents are super rich relative to what money of mine he spent, so it didn’t really represent any systemic Moody family threat; we just wrote it off. But it was the principle of the thing, and I’d say it set a really bad precedent for my other more expensive long-term flings with Joao, Donal, and Sergio.

Ratings Methodology:
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody, Moody’s, you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

June 16, 2009

There has been so MUCH gossipy chatter about those other rating agencies (not mentioning names, but Moodys, S&P and that Fitch Bitch) and whether they should or would downgrade the credit rating of our country, the United States of America. But no one has asked me Melissa Moody! And my answer is YES!!!! I would!

I know a thing or two about the rest of the world. I have seen most of Europe. I have stayed in its five star hotels. I have slept with Italian boys who wooed me with vespa trips to hilltops. I have even been to Prague. You would know this already if you checked my Facebook update I did with all my pictures from my JYA. I know what is up. And I know that the US has some shaky credit and the other countries I have been to know it too, because they are so worldly and interesting and have a much better way of life than us.

I also know a thing or two about using massive amounts of credit card debt to stimulate your economy. My sophomore year was very difficult on me. I felt like I had lost a step, gained a pound or two and lost that twinkle in my eye. I tried my own version of stimulus spending, racking up $15,000 in credit card debt to spend on “infrastructure” — a little lipo, a personal trainer and a dozen dresses from bebe that were super sexy. It seemed like I would be able to hot my way right out of slump!!!! But then the bill came. Literally, the bill came and I saw it and I was like “OMG” because I totally had no way to pay it off. And that’s when I started working the street….JK!! No, my dad paid it off and I was like “I love you daddy!”, but as far as I know the US doesn’t have a daddy who can pay off their debt burden, they only have an Uncle and he wears a creepy beard and is probably too busy pointing his old-man finger at people to help out.

I am downgrading the US to Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut. My rating would change upwards if the United States reins in its seemingly unchecked fiscal recklessness, or if it shows it has a daddy who can pay off the trillions in debt they have racked up on their Treasury card, but until that time, they will be notched as a slutty issuer.

Ratings Methodology:
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

September 11, 2008

Has anyone seen Lehman (NYSE: LEH) or WaMu (NYSE: WM)??? I am so worried about my girls, I can’t find them anywhere and they are not picking up their cell. So the backstory is that we are all out last night drinking at Normal & Unwealthy’s, the girls’ goto bar. Us girls were dancing up a storm, letting our hair down and getting our freak on!

Well Lehman and WaMU, when they get a little drunk and are in front of guys, they get into kissing each other a little. Totally not for attention!!! They do it because sometimes it’s nice to kiss a girl and they both think each other are so beautiful and they are!! They are so crazy and original, I don’t know why none of their relationships seem to last!!

Anyways, next thing I know, some really old guy (he must have been at least like 30 or even more ancient!?!) with a shaved head and glasses is behind them and grinding them both. He was in a suit and moved like Frankenstein and looked totally out of place, when a popped collar or three is all he really needed. It was also weird because I’ve never seen him around them before but he used to hang with this other girl Goldman, who is a slut and a whore but very rich. But that was like years ago!!!

So, like, this guy, he’s grinding them and they are both a little out of it at this point, and when I like come back from a trip to the bathroom, they aren’t there!!! Please if anyone has seen my friends Lehman or WaMu or knows what happened to them, text me, Melissa Moody, and let me know what happened to them. I’m so worried!!!!

Ratings Methodology:
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody’s! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

August 8, 2008

Ratings Rationale: Some people can pull off doing everything. Student government, head of the cheerleading squad, phi beta kappa, kappa kappa gamma, Big Sister, 4.0 GPA, pep squad, dance squad, hybrid pep-dance squad, dance team, song girl, TA, model, campus tour guide, designated driver, cocaine addict and the world’s best GF. But for most people who aren’t Melissa, the result is a total disaster…Citi is that disaster!

Citi, girl, I’m really not trying to pick on you but what do you do? Everything? How is that working out for you!?! Credit cards, banking, i-banking, trading, brokering, creepy advertising surrounding a stodgy British pedophile with a magic umbrella?!? ((Masculine Editor’s Note: Travelers P&C is no longer part of Citigroup)

Citi, I know you think you have a lot to offer, and you try so hard which is kinda cute, but I just have to think about myself — I wouldn’t want to rely on you for anything and that’s the sad truth. People have been saying this about you for awhile, they don’t want a friend who is a supermarket, they want one that is an organic farmer’s market that charges ridic premiums and is extremely fashionable to be seen with.

And don’t even get me started on what buying back all those Auction Rate Securities is going to do to your going-out ability. You know those mature never, right? Just like all the boys you have been slutting it out with.

I hate having to do this I really do, because I’m not a mean person at all, everyone who knows me knows how nice I am. I’m sorry, it’s my job. Citi, I am downgrading you two notches from Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut to Whore.

Ratings Methodology:
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

February 14, 2008

Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

BFFAE (Best Friends Forever and Ever)

BFF

BFFLAF (Best Friends For Like Almost Forever)

BFFBAS (Best Friends Forever But Also a Slut)

BFFBIHH (Best Friends Forever But I Hate Her)

Whore

You must be blown away but I am ready to blow you even more than that — let’s get on with it already!

Ratings Rationale: MBIA used to have a good little thing going. Yeah, like not everyone thought she was totally hot, but everyone was like “Wow she has a good little thing going”, she was funny and nice, and who doesn’t like funny and nice? Not Melissa, I’ll tell you that. And she was a go-to girl anytime a friend was jammed up with boy problems and needed ice cream.

But then she changed, and we all saw it happening. She wanted to be totally hot and started hanging out with guys out of her league. Yeah she looked great, but the diet and the clothes and the whole lifestyle changed her. Rumors started about what she was doing behind the scenes at muni parties and at CDS keggers. She wasn’t nice and funny anymore.

She used to be totally dependable, but now you knew just by looking at her that she wasn’t going to be there when you needed her most. She was all image and the bonds that had been so strong, were now worth so little. That’s why MBIA, I’m so sorry but I had to downgrade you three full notches from Best Friends Forever and Ever to Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut.

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