going through depression 3 years after divorce

This is my first time ever posting any personal information about my life online. I am posting because I have a horrible emptiness 3 years after my divorce I expected to be recovered from the hurt but I still have feelings of anger, mistrust, and the betrayal is fresh on my mind. My ex husband cheated with a woman from work. The place where he worked was also the place where my mom worked and so when we separated and he openly came out with his relationship the way he went about it was distasteful and embarrassing for me and my mom. I left the house where we lived and moved into my moms home with my daughter who was 9 years old at that time. He moved the other woman into that same home where we lived and took her in with a son she had from a previous relationship and gave my daughters old room to him. Soon after they had a new baby girl and that really hurt me. His attitude, and lovevelessness devastated me if eel like my life has been turned upside down. I started working out and getting in shape. I lost about 30 lbs and joined events like half marathons and fun runs. I turned to healthy ways to release my stress but also went on drinking binges to drown the pain. I used my hate and rage as fuel to look my best and I do look great and sexy but 3years later i still feel inadequate. I feel horrible inside. I have rage and anger, envy and jealously. I get panic attacks I cry suddenly for nothing. I have a relationship with someone who loves me and i feel like they deserve better than me. I feel like nothing truly makes me happy. I went back to college and Im not even sure why. I think just to tell myself that im a good positive person but i feel like a fraud. What else can I do to take fill this hole? I tried medication and all it does it make me nervous that i will become those crazy prescription med addicts. I want to feel peace. I want to free of this pain

I just want to say, you deserve better.He didn't deserve you, So far you have done good things to change your life and free your heart. You are strong and it will pass.Time heals everything, what you need to do is to erase him completely as if he never was your husband. Give yourself a chance to see the world in a different angle. Open the door of your heart and allow new and exciting things in life.You have done good to start college am sure you'll meet new people, make new friends, and life will have new things to add. And don't try to ask or want to know any thing about him and his life!