This is a daily account of my ups and downs, my experimentation on helping control my condition, and I hope that it helps put this problem into perspective. If you are bipolar, you are not crazy, and you are not alone. Currently I am not on prescription medicine because of the adverse side effects, so I am trying to change my lifestyle and habits, and hopefully one day I can effectively control my condition.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Today is going fairly well! I drank a glass bottle of Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino along with my water and vitamin B6 this morning, and am much cheerier! The house is coming along nicely, I'm doing laundry, dishes, cleaning the refrigerator, and the kids are helping out a lot! I think today will be a great day!! I have things planned, that I hope to post on the other blog, but we'll see how it works out and if I have the time and momentum. I have the usual aches and pains, and the indigestion isn't much better (thank you little person that lives inside of me), but I not NOT going to complain!

I had a dream last night that the baby was a boy. This is the second time. I doubt it means anything other than I'm assuming it's another boy. Healthy is the most important part. I miss when my little girl was little, but they all grow up sooner or later, and am thankful I have at least one daughter. Having another boy will mean 4 sons! I might as well start a sports team, although not many are 'sporty.'

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Well, the day definitely ended better than it began. I took a nap around 3 and the kids knew I was upset. Their dad came over after work and they cleaned while I slept. It was great. Of course there is a long way to go, but it's a start and my house definitely looks better tonight than it did. I love those kids of mine.

I'm feeling a bit queasy as I go to bed. My stomach never seems happy. I have cried so much today, that I sincerely hope that my mood improves soon. I feel a bit better. I should probably start going to bed earlier...

I really had too high of hopes for today, and am sorely disappointed. It isn't terrible, but I've already lost my temper with the kids and now I'm sitting on the porch listen to them argue while I clear my head. I put some laundry away, did some dishes, and tracked my packages (Bargain shopping is my new obsession. Scored a hoodie that my daughter can wear to school for $2.49 with free shipping)and set up the new blog, but haven't posted yet.

I remain hopeful and optimistic that this day will get better. Bit by bit the house is getting cleaner, and I think that I need to find something for us to do together that makes everyone a little happier. That's right, now I remember the playdough and the coloring. I get sidetracked easily. However, I think that they should put at least some effort into making the house a cleaner, happier place (considering it's 95% their mess) before I start doling out rewards.

It is so calm and peaceful out here. Everything looks still... It's an illusion, but it looks still...

I woke up this morning confronted by my issues: an unwanted pregnancy and relationship to match. I blame him for the guilt because I seem to be the one that gives in and then, when I have to deal with the consequences, I get angry.

Don't mistake what I am saying. I love this baby. I love my children, above all. I don't think I could survive without the motivation and love they provide. I love doing things for them and making them happy, and I know that this child won't be different. I will be just as close with him/her and I will love him/her just as much. However, this isn't easy for me. Being pregnant isn't easy for anyone, but not only do I have to deal with the sickness, but I have absolutely no control of my moods and the depression has been unbearable. Nearing the end of my first trimester though, I feel confident that the winds are changing. I am less nauseated, and my other physical problems (I won't get graphic, but it was pretty bad) are easing, and I feel the need to "do something."

Yesterday, it was a battle with the children to help me out. They love to make a mess, but they hate to clean. Go figure! When the house is dirty, it depresses me. I know, at least that, I have control over. If I can motivate myself to get the house clean (which is ridiculously aggravating with 4 kids), then I can feel a little bit better. Also, the more I move around, the better I feel. Unfortunately, some days, I can't even manage to make it out of my pajamas. Today, I will! Today, I will get of my ass, get dressed, and although I need to clean the house, I won't forget to play. I could play with the kids and color and do something that makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have them.

I am going to start a new blog today to chronicle the things I do with them, as well as the day to day life of our family, to serve as a motivational tool to keep me active.

I started taking vitamin B6 for nausea, along with the Unisom, and I'm not sure if that is helping my mood, but it could be. I have read that B vitamins can help BPD. Although, it just may be time for me to cycle again. Just like I can't predict the depression, I can't predict the mania. It is a welcome relief though.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Today, I tried so hard to make baby steps. I have been in a funk for over a month, partially due to the fact that I am very sick and 11 weeks pregnant, and today I tried to will myself out of it. I started by getting up this morning and do some retail therapy, which is actually just buying things that I actually need. There are no frills in this household. I bought a broom and some cleaning supplies so that I could get motivated to clean. It feels pretty pointless considering the children will destroy any progress I've made. I also tried to tackle the mountain of laundry that has been building. I have accomplished a few loads, but I there is so much more to do.

Now...I'm angry. Fighting with the children has taken any energy that I had and the pain pills have worn off and I'm sick and irritable again. I look forward to having the kids home, but it is mayhem and the stress is beginning to break me. But...baby steps. I got out of bed, showered, did laundry, shopped for things that we needed, went to the bank, did some dishes, and I will cap off the day with cleaning out the vacuum. Oh, and I made a valiant effort to post a blog post. Perhaps, tomorrow, I will even write an article...maybe. But today...I feel confident that I tried.