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27 February 2013

A few days after Valentine's Day the kids and I went to the grocery store. Next to the door they had all of their Valentine clearance items and Carson spotted a heart necklace that would light up. He loved it and since it was really cheap I got it for him. Well, the poor boy only got to play with it for a few minutes and then his little sister hijacked it from him. She carried it around for days and constantly had it. When she crawled anywhere it was in her mouth and if Carson tried to play with it she would scream. It became hers.

Last Friday, Ashley came down to spend the night and the kids were playing in the living room. Brooklyn was playing with her necklace down by my feet. Pretty soon she stood up and crawled in my lap. I could tell she was having a hard time swallowing, like something was stuck in her throat. I instantly knew what was wrong and started to panic a little bit inside (outside I was trying to remain calm). She had swallowed a heart off the necklace. I had checked the necklace multiple times and didn't think there was a way she could get the hearts off, but apparently she had chewed through the string with her new teeth. I turned her upside down and tried to knock it out, but it didn't seem to help. I knew that since she could breathe and swallow the Heimlich wouldn't do anything to help her. I watched her really closely and decided to try and nurse her and if that didn't help I would take her in to the emergency room. After nursing her she seemed fine and ready to go play again. I said a little prayer that she would be "ok" and asked for the Spirit to be with me as a mom to know if something was really wrong.

The next morning I changed her diaper and there it was!! The heart had made its way through her tiny body without any trouble. Looking at the heart I know she was incredibly lucky. It could have easily gotten stuck somewhere and caused some serious problems. Yes, I took a picture of it. Yes, it is going in her baby book. No, I don't want to hear any comments about how I shouldn't have let her play with the necklace in the first place. :)

25 February 2013

The other night the kids were restless and it wasn't bedtime yet. I had just finished putting away laundry, so I put Brooklyn in the empty laundry basket and let Carson push her around. They had so much fun and both of them were giggling as they went through the kitchen and back out to the living room. I pushed Carson for a bit after Brooklyn decided she was done. I love hanging out with these two sweeties. They make me laugh and they love doing anything as long as we are doing it together.

21 February 2013

20 February 2013

When Jason and I were first married and decided that we were ready to start our family, I was excited. I don't know why I thought it would happen right away just because we wanted it to. We started trying......and months came and went. Every month was heartbreaking when we found out we weren't pregnant yet. It took us 10 months. I know that isn't a long time compared to other couples and we really are lucky, but to me it seemed like forever. I had one miscarriage during those 10 months, but it was just a few days in and I assumed that I had just calculated my dates wrong. My doctor later told me that it was probably a miscarriage. By that point I was pregnant - finally - with Carson so it wasn't as heartbreaking as it could have been.

My pregnancy with Carson was hard because I was so so so incredibly sick, but other than that there were no problems. When he was finally born we were thrilled. Beyond thrilled! He was perfect and precious and I was finally a mother. Life was great.

When Carson was about 9 months old we found out we were pregnant again. I was a little bit in shock because I thought for sure it would take a while. It took me about a week to get really excited and then I couldn't be happier. We had 2 doctors appointments for blood work and the normal early pregnancy stuff and everything looked great. When I was 11 weeks along we had our first ultrasound. During the ultrasound we learned that we had lost the baby, about 2 weeks earlier. For some reason my body hadn't recognized that I had lost the baby and was still acting like I was pregnant. I had morning sickness clear up until that morning! Dr. L told me that some women have that problem and they hoped that the ultrasound would be enough of a disturbance for my body to realize something was wrong and I would pass the baby without any medication or a D&C. My body passed the baby the next day.

The whole experience was devastating. I don't know how else to describe a heartbreak like that. For a mother, when you find out you are expecting it instantly because real and it is your baby. I found out at 4 weeks, so by week 11 I had spent 7 weeks excited and planning for our next baby. I was heartbroken. It was even harder since I had a sweet little boy and I knew how much I loved my children! To be honest, I had a hard time understanding why it happened. I had to go in for weekly blood work appointments until my levels were back to normal, and then we had to wait 3 months after that to start trying again. I was also told that since I was far enough along I know had to declare "2 pregnancies, 1 live birth" for any medical records or doctor that asked. That was hard. Especially hearing someone say that out loud. I was 3 weeks behind my sister and 4 weeks behind my sister-in-law, which made the whole thing harder. I has happy for them, but sad for us. It felt like a constant reminder of what I had lost.

Once we were able to start trying again it only took us 2 months to get pregnant again. Blessing. I was at a low and it was what I needed. Once we found out, however, I was terrified it would happen again. At my first doctors appointment I asked if we could have an earlier ultrasound, and Dr. L agreed it would be a good idea. I had my ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything was perfectly healthy and normal! Baby Brooklyn was on her way!! During my pregnancy I was able to stay at home (finally) and we couldn't wait to welcome our sweet little girl into our family. She was born May 31st and has been such an added joy to our family. My little girl.

In December I started feeling abnormally tired and sick almost everyday. Since I am still nursing Brooklyn I hadn't had a cycle since she was born. One day the thought came to me, "What if I'm pregnant?" I had a test at home and decided to take it that afternoon when the kids went down for their nap. There it was, staring me right in the face. Pregnant. Definitely pregnant. This time it took me a little bit to truly get excited. I mean, I was in love from the instant I found out, but I also had a very sick/needy 6 month old baby and I was a little overwhelmed with the idea of having another one. I spend most of my time alone with the kids because Jason works full-time at a very demanding job and then goes to school at night. Most nights he stays at the library until after I'm asleep and he leaves before I get up in the morning. I didn't tell Jason right away that we were expecting again. I waited until we could go out to dinner and I told him then. He was thrilled! A little in shock, but super excited. I was a little surprised at his reaction and I was able to vent about all of my fears and concerns to him. He understood and was so supportive of me. After that, we started getting excited and planning for the arrival of another baby!

Since there wasn't really a way for us to tell how far along I was, Dr. L scheduled an ultrasound for 6 weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant. I went in for my appointment in the middle of January. The kids were napping so Jason came home to watch them while I went. I went into the ultrasound and the technician asked me how many pregnancies I had had. There it was again, that loss. "3 pregnancies, 2 live births." She began the ultrasound and I instantly knew something was wrong. I could see the baby and it seemed to be pretty far along. However, the technician didn't say much and spent a lot of time around the baby taking more pictures than I remember. She never turned on the sound for me to hear the heartbeat. Then she said the words I was dreading.... "Natalie, I need to show you something." She started to explain that the baby was a little girl, but that it looked as if I had lost her just a few days before. There was no heartbeat and their was a lot of bleeding around the baby. She left the room for me to get dressed and I lost it. I sat there and cried. Another little girl? Why did I lose her? I've already done this once. I've already learned this lesson. Why again?

I was escorted to a room where Dr. L came in and talked to me. The second he came in he gave me a hug and just let me cry. Then he sat there and held my hand and explained what he thinks happened from the ultrasound. From the looks of it, the baby had Turner Syndrome. I could have lost her at any point in my pregnancy, or she could have lived and had some struggles. He answered all of my questions and was extremely understanding and kind. We scheduled a D&C for the next evening.

Having a D&C was better in some ways and worse in some ways. I didn't have to go through the cramping and contractions and actually pass the baby like the last time. However, I went into surgery with a baby and came out without a baby. I felt empty. A little like there was no closure. The instant I opened my eyes I started crying. She was gone. My baby was gone. In my post-op the nurse told me that I now needed to declare "4 pregnancies, 2 live births." When I heard that I became angry. Extremely angry. I'm not sure why that upsets me so bad, but it does. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks and one night I finally realized I should be grateful that I have to say that. As weird as it may sound, at least I get to count them. At least the 2 babies that I lost are still remembered, even in that small way.

This has been another learning and growing experience for me. I was already feeling overwhelmed with Jason never being home due to school and work, and now I had to deal with grief on top of taking care of 2 little kids, who couldn't afford for me to truly deal with the emotions I was experiencing. I had reached a new low. I found myself getting angry for no reason and then numb the next minute. Sometimes it was hard to rock Brooklyn as she was falling asleep because I would think about the fact that I could have had another little girl. I was overwhelmed and a loss at what to do next. I felt like no one could possibly understand what I was going through, how I felt, and why I was feeling that way. I felt completely alone. Thankfully, I know I'm not. I had prayed for peace and strength to help me get through this. I had prayed for understanding and I had prayed to not become bitter. Finally, one night, I turned it all over to my Savior. I told Him I couldn't handle this and needed His help. I can honestly say that He has taken away the overwhelming pain and loss. It is still there, but I feel like it comes in episodes and doses that I can handle. I am so grateful for Him and for the knowledge I have.

I wasn't going to share any of this, but I realized it is a part of our little family's history. Since this blog is for my children, maybe someday this will help my daughter or even my son. This whole experience has, once again, helped me realize what a blessing our children are. Not only are they a blessing, but they truly are a miracle. It has also made me more grateful to be a mother to my two sweet children and I know that I want plenty more. :)

15 February 2013

Valentines Day was a lot of fun for the kiddos and I this year. I wanted to make it a special day for them and we had a blast. We started by opening presents first thing in the morning. Brooklyn and Carson each got a little animal heart box that was filled with teddy grahams. Brooklyn got a pair of new PJs and Carson got some foam letters and numbers that you can play with in the tub. My mom also sent a box filled with goodies! Carson got a light glowstick, Brooklyn got the book Tickle Monster (which is adorable), Jason got his favorite candy, I got a dish drying mat, and we got some really cute V-Day candles. It was great! I got Jason a new movie with some candy and a card.

We made sugar cookies so that we could take them around to some of the people in our ward. Now, these aren't just any sugar cookies. These are the famous Carolyn Heslop sugar cookies. They are amazing. I could seriously eat an entire batch by myself, which is really bad since it makes about 6 dozen cookies. I'm still trying to perfect the thickness/baking time to make them as thick and fluffy as she does.... some day I will get it down. Carson helped me make the frosting and helped with the sprinkles. He was in awe when we added the pink food coloring to the frosting and kept saying, "Wow!" I let him have a taste from the spoon I was using and he thought it was really yummy. I let him lick the paddle when we were done. :)

Carson's friend, Maddie, came over and played for a little bit and had lunch with us. After lunch we delivered cookies and went to Papa Murphy's to get their heart-shaped pizza for dinner. Carson was super excited about the pizza. We made a stop at the party store on our way home and bought a few Valentine balloons. Totally worth the $4 we spent. The kids love balloons and I love the giggles I get in return. They played with them for quite a while so the pizza could cook and I could set up our craft.

The kids liked their dinner of strawberries and pizza. Carson ate 3 whole slices of pizza, which is a lot for him. Even Brooklyn ate quite a bit!

We did a craft with our handprints and footprints making heart shapes. Carson had a blast and Brooklyn wasn't sure about the whole thing.....

We ended the night with a nice warm bubble bath and played with Carson's new bath toys. It was a great day at our house!

12 February 2013

I love Chick-Fil-A. They have family nights once a month with different activities and this month they had parent/child date nights. I took Carson to the Mommy-Son Date Knight and we had a blast. We got there and were escorted to our seat at a table decorated like we were in a castle. A waiter came and took our order and brought us the supplies to make our own shield. After we were done eating, Carson got to get a dragon tattoo on his arm and pick out a balloon sword. He got to talk to the cow and even got an ice cream come. He was so excited about every part and we had so much fun together. My favorite part of the whole night was us skipping in the parking lot. He thought that was hilarious, and his laugh just melts my heart. I sure do love my little boy and he is growing up too fast.

11 February 2013

08 February 2013

We had some friends over while their parents went to the temple. Carson was in heaven!! He LoVeS getting to play with friends. We sang songs, had a dance party, tried to play hide-and-seek, played with blocks and toys, had yummy snacks, and watched a movie (or at least had it playing while we played). We probably sang Ring Around the Rosie 50 times, but listening to the little giggles when they "all fell down" was pretty cute. We love play dates!

05 February 2013

The past week we have kept ourselves very entertained! Here are some of the things we have done:

It was April's birthday last week so we went to her house for lunch. I brought a box of cherry dilly bars from DQ with us, and Brooklyn ate most of mine! Little stinker! If I even tried to take a bite she would yell at me.

Brooklyn sure does love her mommy. In the evenings she isn't happy unless I'm holding her. When I am holding her, she is as happy as can be. She talks to me, sings with me, dances to the music. Silly girl. :)

We got a watermelon in our bountiful basket last week and Carson was in heaven. He loves watermelon, which he calls water-melon-a-mon. He ate a lot of it with his dinner (notice the dinosaur that has to eat with us) and pretty much ate all of the watermelon over the next day. This kid can't wait until summer when he can eat it all the time!

My kids love their baths, and lately Carson has wanted to sit with Brooklyn in her little tub. They both barely fit, but its cute to watch them play together. (Notice Brooklyn's crazy, crazy, out-of-control hair.)

Carson loves to watch Blue's Clues, Curious George, and Dinosaur Train. Sometimes I will let him watch an episode while I am in the shower. He begged me for a picnic on my bed while he watched his show the other day. He thought it was the coolest thing ever.

Brooklyn's hair is so long that if I don't pull it back it is in her eyes all the time. Lately I've been putting it in two pigtails in the front.

Sometimes, napping in Mommy's bed is just more fun....

Now that our church isn't until 1pm, I've been making dinner before we leave. Sunday I made lasagna and Carson helped. He did such a good job. He would put the noodles down and sprinkle the cheese. He was pretty proud of himself, and so was mommy.

Brooklyn is so happy now that she can move around and chase her brother. She has found it to be a little challenging to crawl in her dress, but she looks so cute in it that I don't like to take her out of it!

I also gave her mashed potatoes and baked beans, which she loved. I ended up scooping an entire scoop of mashed potatoes onto her high chair and letting her go at it. Boy did she have fun. Of course we went straight into the bath. :)