Lost in Suburbia: Sleeping with the enemy

Wednesday

Aug 9, 2017 at 10:44 AMAug 9, 2017 at 10:44 AM

Tracy Beckerman More Content Now

Whenever my husband goes out of town, I cheat. I figure, what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him, and since there’s no way for him to find out that I cheated, why not have some fun while he’s out of town?

Do I feel guilty about this? Maybe a bit. But only because I know that my indiscretions may eventually catch up with me in the end. You see, I don’t just have one lover. I have two.

Ben AND Jerry.

It’s true, I’m supposed to be dairy-free. Wheat-free, too. It’s not that I’m allergic to wheat and dairy. It’s more of an intolerance. And by intolerance, I mean that when I eat anything with wheat or dairy in it …

I snore. Yes, I snore. And it’s loud. Like rocket engine loud. Someone once measured it in decibels and it was somewhere between a heavy metal rock concert and a baby crying on a plane, both of which are annoying, but apparently not as annoying as an extremely loud wife snoring in the bed next to you. Or so I’ve been told.

While my husband is out of town, I don’t care if I snore. I don’t wake myself up snoring, and I don’t keep anyone else awake either. Yeah, sometimes the dog gets annoyed, but then again, sometimes he snores, too. When he snores, he gets thrown out of the room. My husband doesn’t do that with me because it would make me mad and he knows which side his bread is buttered on.

Wheat-free bread, that is.

It was a tough decision but for the sake of my marriage, I chose domestic bliss over fresh bread. But when the cat is away, the mouse will play … and also eat a lot of cheese, pizza, and ice cream.

I thought I was in the clear, but the problem with wheat and dairy is they always come back to bite you in the butt, or at least make your butt bigger. After several months, it was becoming clear that I definitely had a little something going down on the side and I knew I was going to have to come clean.

But then I found a guy who makes really good gluten-free cakes and bread. And my favorite ice cream dudes, bless their hearts, started a line of dairy-free ice cream. Was it possible I could have my wheat-free chocolate lava cake and eat it, too?

I made the switch while my husband was away. And then when he came home, we went to sleep and I assumed all went well.

But alas, I was wrong.

“You snored last night,” he said accusingly the next day. “Did you eat wheat or dairy yesterday?”

“I did not,” I replied honestly.

“Well, you must have had something. What did you have?” he asked.

“The only thing I had that I didn’t make was a piece of dairy-free, wheat-free chocolate cake.”

“Maybe you are chocolate-intolerant now, too,” he said.

I glared at him. “So you’re saying that now you think I should give up chocolate?

“Maybe. If it makes you snore.”

“Actually, I think you should give up something now, too,” I replied.

“What?” he wondered.

I shrugged. “Sleeping in the bedroom.”— For more Lost in Suburbia, follow Tracy on Facebook at facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage or on Twitter at @TracyBeckerman.