One of the last things that I thought about as a first-year teacher is how to effectively handle conflicts between 8 and 9-year-old children. This is an interesting age group with which to work on such seemingly "magic" resolutions, as there is an almost tangible limit to which you can rationalize or "talk to" them about right, wrong, and best next steps.

An effective strategy that I've used was inspired by Allen Mendler's, Discipline with Dignity. Essentially, whenever two children have a disagreement or an argument, a mediator (at this age, likely the teacher) pulls aside the children or takes them to a relatively private spot.

The mediator asks one child to tell his or her side of the situation, while the other child listens, and then the other child takes his or her turn to voice a point of view. Establishing rules for this exchange is essential and a good skill builder in active listening; the other child cannot comment while the other child is speaking.

The mediator then retells what he or she heard each child say, i.e. "I hear Joe saying that ___ happened, and he feels ____ about the situation. I also hear Sara saying that _____, and she feels _____." The next step in the resolution process seems a bit contrived, but it's an important one. The teacher, as the mediator, asks one child to think of one thing that he or she really likes (a personality trait, a skill, etc.) about the other child, and vice versa.

Some children may raise their eyebrow at this one, but once they start to share, the magic is released. Most tend to forget the negative feelings they were harboring over the situation, and instead focus on the compliment given them and on the positive attributes of the other person. The mediator can then suggest a solution for future situations, or pose this question to the students. Last but not least, the students must look each other in the eye and shake hands.

Though I didn't start to use this idea until halfway through the year, I can see the distinct advantage and benefit in promoting this approach early on in the year. There are a plethora of ideas, if one is willing to seek and discover. I recently also found this free article on conflict resolution at the elementary level through Scholastic. I am eager to try some of these approaches out next year, to experiment and look for children to start independently applying these strategies. What a triumph if students are able to self-regulate and use these on their own! I am a firm believer that the start of a better world CAN begin in the classroom.

Of course, I have those moments where squabbles and disagreements break out in the middle of a transition, or in line on the way to lunch. It is in these fast-moving situations, where there's not ample time, or even a good 5 minutes, to focus on structured conflict resolution. All the more reason to build these skills in the beginning of the year. I've taken to using the simple phrase, "be the bigger person", with a reminder to breathe and let go of the little things, like being "cut" in line.

​These aren't necessarily small things to a child, which is important to remember - but having some sort of quick verbal and visual reminder for kids in these instances is key. Better to try defusing and neutralizing than to wave a hand and leave those students feeling angry and discouraged!

The most valuable lessons are often the most emotionally painful to learn. And as teachers, we know the most painful of emotions stem not from our own fears or inconsistencies, but from concern for our students. The student who “acts out” – no doubt that we will know and teach many such students, but all are not close to being the same.

There are those students who lack self-regulation, those with ADHD, an enormous amount of energy bursting to be focused, and those who are a less mature and lacking social skills. Then, there are those students who truly challenge all of our actions, at every turn - who defy, who re-draw the boundary line, who reach out to others one minute and put up walls the next.

A veteran teacher might realize these are the students who are truly hurting, but as a new teacher, the picture is not always clear the first time around. You have a gut feeling, but you fail to connect all the dots. I think now of a student who has posed this particular challenge for the latter half of this school year. Every day poses a new balancing act, where I walk the line between firm discipline and warm positive reinforcement, and this student decides to give or take, to shake the line or to walk the line with me.

I very recently found out much more about this child’s situation than I was aware of before. I was stunned at the information revealed to me. I had bits and pieces, of course, from being in contact with this student’s family, due to other related (but veiled) incidents and behaviors in class. Now, I feel as if I’ve been groping in the dark, trying to find the light switch by brushing every inch of the wall, with a vague idea of for what I'm looking and where. I have a changed perspective and different understanding as to why I have been witnessing an escalation in certain behaviors.

​This student, and others in such "unfair" environments, are the ones who are the center of this post – the ones who need a rock on which to push against, swim around, and rest upon when too exhausted to fight back. The ones who have had experiences outside of school that have hurt and warped their perspectives on life and reality, experiences of which some of us wouldn’t dream.

Guilt is not too far behind me; I try not to succumb. For me, the lesson is in this moment. Children who act out in such ways don’t do so to intentionally harm or cause pain; they do so because they are feeling something with which they cannot cope alone, and they are seeking attention and care by exaggerating and acting out the dark things to which they should have never encountered. It can be a scary world. I know, now, some of this far-reaching truth.

I also realize, quite poignantly, the need to find and keep faith in the potential of human resilience and overcoming. I also have a heightened awareness of the importance of keeping close contact, as much as possible, with families, especially if there’s any hint of a questionable situation(s) occurring in the home or elsewhere. Forming these close relationships with families, and the child, is not a guarantee to getting through or helping any particular student – but no change can ever be made without this connection and awareness.

I vow to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to this particular child’s needs in the coming months. May we, as teachers, put ourselves on the front line, selflessly, to support in any way we can those students in need – at times, the ones who are the first to hit on our last nerve. May we reframe their actions as a cry for help, rather than just another behavior issue.