Long time lurker and I will try to give brief BG to sum up my issues. I'm mobile so I apologize in advance for any wacky spacing or spelling issues. There shouldn't be many spelling errors though.
Ok so I have ILs from hell. From the beginning they have been overbearing and over involved. They live halfway across the country so it's not that big of an issue as far as dropping by and daily dealings go. However my MIL is emotionally manipulative and tries to ruin the relationships her sons have. DH is 29 and I am his second wife. (First wife cheated on him while he was deployed ). MBIL just got married in November and YBIL is single and 22.
In June FIL said some horribly nasty things to and about DH and I. It was a huge fight. We tried to move on from there but I never really got a heartfelt apology and I've been (as well as my relationship with DH) the fodder for ILs gossip ever since. June 26 I got my BFP and so there has been a rush for the relationship to return to "normal" so ILs can have grand baby time. (Barf). After the fight in June I explained in order to successfully rebuild the relationship I needed time and space otherwise I would resent them. Every step of the way MIL and FIL have pressured me by asking us to stay with them, touching me (belly), hugging, and overuse of "I love you". I have now entered the realm of severe resentment - as I knew I would and as I warned them should they force me to do things in which I was not comfortable.
I'm due in march. We are now feuding with ILs because MIL thinks my pregnancy and my baby are all about her. DH thinks I should ignore her and be the bigger person and just sweep everything under the rug. I can't do that. DH and I are going to start therapy next week - appointment is already made. DH said we can't give his parents rules because his mom is sensitive and it will hurt her feeeewings. (Poor her)
I need these rules because I need them to prove to me that they want to change and want to have a relationship with us not just our son.
We talked to ILs last night and MIL made it all about her and how this is the hardest thing she has ever have to deal with and she's already given me 6 months (where she pressured me constantly after I asked her not to) how much longer could I possibly need and when can she see her grand baby??!!??!!
So my question for all of you who have BTDT with enmeshed, narcissistic, and emotionally manipulative ILs - what does it take for your DH to realize how toxic his parents are and to put them on a long TO or CO? Did counseling help? Or can people like this really change? (ILs are also super religious and wanted their sons to marry school marm virgins who'd never so much held hands with someone else.........)

There is a lot more BG but unless you ask I won't put it in because I'm so upset I think it will end up being convoluted and hard to understand but if you have questions I'll answer them. Thanks in advance!!!!!!

Comments (198)

Why were you trying to rebuild a relationship with them after all you know?

You are trying to apply rational, reasonable thinking to your DuH and he does not operate off of that platform.

This does not mean he is doomed. It means he needs help to get into a frame of mind where his wife and child are the priority and the ILs are background noise. You cannot make him do it or even make him want to do it.

You have explained repeatedly and he has seen how they treat you. He simply is not interested in making changes.

Yes it is his child as well. At one point my usually stellar DH and I had to work to get back to the point of people that are disrespectful to either parent does not spend time with our son. It took a therapist and his willingness to do what was best for our family.

We take the 2 yeses really seriously. I trust my DH not to answer no out of spite or to punish me. I cannot remember a time when I said no and it was not a discussion. We use it to communciate and better understand the other person.

I would really drop it until you are in the therapist's office. Tell him the only thing you are doing is hurting each other and you cannot tolerate listening to him be so disrespectful.

Sophie I was trying to rebuild the relationship because at first the ILs seemed very willing to change and agreed to my terms and said they would respect my need for space. I also tried because I love DH and wanted to give them a chance to change and be better for his sake. Now that they have proven themselves to be the same I don't feel as bad cutting them off.

I had a pretty troubled childhood but was saved from it when I was five, but DH was with his parents enduring abuse his whole life. It desensitized him to their abuse because to this day he still doesn't think he was abused. I have stopped bringing it up altogether because he is clearly not ready to reopen the wounds. As someone who has suffered abuse I know pressuring someone to deal with things before they're ready will only make things worse. I can only be supportive and go to counseling and hope that he gets there soon so he can start to cope and heal.

Just a bit of an aside - one reason he may be more concerned about his parents feelings than yours is because he trusts that you love him, but does not trust that his parents love him. This is how abusers gain loyalty. If he steps out of line with hsi parents, love goes away. If he steps out of line with you, you will still love him. Therefore, which is the riskier of the two choices for him? Obviously it's safer to piss you off than it is to piss his parents off. Until he's willing to be ok with losing his parents "love", he will always choose them over you unless you pose the same flight risk that they do.

Why is your husband fine with you suffering physically throughout your pregnancy? He needs to prove to you that he's working on healing and it sounds like he's not even close. I wouldn't CO at this point, but put them on a TO that should go into a CO. Given time with counseling, requiring no contact with you and controlled exercises for him to see the crazy, he may be able to rebuild his normal meter.

But I wouldn't stand for him to fuss about "he's a parent too and gets to make decisions about who the baby sees". I'd end up a banshee, "You can't even see how evil they are. You have no respect for what I'm experiencing with them. I'd done with them and the baby will NOT be visiting them. Prove to me you can heal first and we'll go from there."

Sorry, OP, but your DuH no longer gets the luxury of waiting until he's "ready" to deal with the abuse. He's an adult, he has a baby on the way, and you both have an absolute obligation to protect that child. Parents don't get to ignore things that endanger their children just because they're "not ready" to face reality.

If you don't insist on counseling and hold him accountable, you are enabling. Yes, it sucks that you're in this position. No, it's not fair. But if your DuH won't protect this baby, then you have to.

I totally agree with everything you are all saying. I didnt mean to make it seem like I would let his healing dictate protecting my child. I just meant that baby and I are out until he realizes his parents' behavior for what it is. With the hell I went through as a child is walk through fire and razor blades before putting my child at risk to be hurt - even if that means being the bigger bitch and getting my DH to realize his life is with me now and that if he wants our family to work and be happy and successful he has to cut the apron strings from his parents and their conditional love.

I have insisted on counseling and he agreed with no objections or arguments. He thinks the counselor is going to tell me to buy some lube and take the abuse from his parents so I have a feeling our first few sessions are going to be harder on him than he thinks. However, I have told him that his parents are affecting our marriage in a negative way so he realizes how serious it is. He thinks a good solution is for me to just break my give a fuck and stop caring about their opinions and how they treat me. While I'd love to give a fuck less it still doesn't mean that I'd subject myself to their abuse.

I'd ask DH to define what responsibilities a parent has towards their children. (This might be a good exercise with a counselor there help.) I'm thinking something along the lines of a bullet point list of items along with what each item should look like. This isn't a list aimed at pointing out his parents' failures. I'd try to approach it from the positive - Use "do" this instead of "never do" so it doesn't feel like a giant bitch session about his parents. The goal is to creat a list he can use to make sure his decisions put his child's well being before his personal desires.

Example:

Providing a safe physical environment

Providing a safe emotional environment

Teach how to make good decisions

Instill respect for self as well as others

As they get older, allowing a child to practice decision making and life skills while you are still there as a safety net

I know you are facing a ton of issues but the one that really stuck out for me is a concern that your husband may allow his child to be hurt in his quest to buy his parents' approval/love.

^^^ just pointing out that he is perpetuating the "If you change, I will be happy" mentality.

Not only is it not acceptable for his mom to threaten a mental breakdown to get you to act the way she wants, of she is so emotionally fragile that she's on the brink of a mental breakdown, she needs to haul her butt off for preventative mental help. She certainly shouldn't be anywhere near you or your baby if she's mentally unstable. $50 Iif he tells her that her breakdown will disappear.

Lastly, you make sure you interview the therapists first. Find a male who isn't a unicorn, who will support boundaries with extended family.

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Nobody is a perfect mom, I just think that some moms are really good liars - Lizzard