Their lives are nothing like mine—I’m your standard-issue late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminist—yet I’m completely obsessed with their blogs. On an average day, I’ll skim through a half-dozen Mormon blogs, looking at Polaroids of dogs in raincoats or kids in bow ties, reading gratitude lists, admiring sewing projects.

And, she reports, she’s not alone:

Two of my closest friends—both chronically overworked Ph.D. candidates—procrastinate for hours poring over Nat the Fat Rat or C. Jane Enjoy It. A recent discussion of Mormonism on the blog Jezebel unleashed a waterfall of confessions in the comments section from other young non-religious women similarly riveted by the shiny, happy domestic lives of their Latter-day Saint sisters.

Yup. I’ve been there. I was an overworked career woman when blogs were only just beginning to spring up, so my drugs of choice were lifestyle magazines and websites. But I recall sitting in the office break room with female coworkers, poring over glossy images of cutting boards laden with chopped vegetables, cakes slathered with homemade icing, and other domestic scenes. In between talking about the merits of PostgreSQL versus other open-source relational DBMS’s, we’d imagine what it would be like to spend a day perfecting a homemade spiced latte recipe, or to sew a gorgeous new cover for the couch on a whim.

We weren’t supposed to like this kind of thing. In theory, we were already living the dream: Earning good money, living on our own, advancing in careers that we enjoyed. We we had complete freedom and were dependent on no one. Most of the women I worked with had impressive graduate degrees, in fields like computer science and electrical engineering. Yet we were intensely drawn to these beautiful images of domestic life—and, in fact, almost every single one of the women I worked with during this time is now a housewife who either doesn’t work or only works part time. Nearly all of us left our careers to stay home and raise kids. Why? It’s for the same reason that so many women of all different backgrounds are drawn to blogs that feature images of a family-centered, faith-filled life:

This is what real living looks like.

One of the great surprises of the human life is that complete autonomy makes you miserable, and it’s only when you give yourself fully in the service of others that you’ll find lasting happiness. It is a counter-intuitive truth that taps directly into our spiritual selves, which is why people of faith typically understand it best. What made me and so many other women drool over these images of life inside a bustling home was that our souls recognized something true and good, and they promptly shook us and screamed, “YES! THAT!”

I still have all the same interests I did when I was working, and still pursue those things as hobbies (I recently won the Nerd of the Year award for writing a PHP program just for fun). But, like the Mormon mommy bloggers, my faith has shown me that this is not what life is all about. There’s a reason that people who work are paid to do so: It’s a sacrifice. Their salary is a compensation for the fact that they’re taking time out of their real lives to be there.

Of course, those of us outside the job world work too, and we often toil harder than anyone. My life as a stay-at-home mom of five young kids is much more challenging than my life as a single working woman was. And, certainly, my real life is far less perfect than the Photoshopped and cropped pictures that show up on lifestyle blogs; if you look up the term epic fail in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of me trying to bake cookies with my kids. But that essence I sensed behind all those gorgeous images of domestic life is here in my actual life in abundance, and experiencing it firsthand is even better than I could have imagined it would be. Spending time with people you love, celebrating the little moments of life together, being free to engage in all the hard work of loving and living that transforms a house into a home—this is what life is all about.

Back in my career days, I thought that living life to the fullest meant racking up impressive credentials and being as self-sufficient as possible. But the universal truth that I stumbled across in my own life, that bursts from the pages of countless mommy blogs by women of faith, is that the meaning of life is to give, to share, and to open yourself to the point that your life becomes inextricably entwined with the lives of others.

I’ve wondered about my own attraction to Mormon mommy/fashion blogs. And I think it’s because they portray an image of this wonderful life that we all want (or maybe just me). Who doesn’t want a loving husband, great clothes, a beautiful home, and overall charmed life? Although, I must say it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking their life is perfect and that yours is somehow lacking. I have to remind myself 1) to keep my eyes on my own paper and 2) that they have problems too.

Posted by Rick on Sunday, Nov, 20, 2011 10:56 AM (EST):

Quote - “What made me and so many other women drool over these images of life inside a bustling home was that our souls recognized something true and good, and they promptly shook us and screamed, “YES! THAT!”
But what can you do now to attain some of “THAT” and help the younger ones in the life-pipeline, that is early twenties, avoid this ... trap.

Posted by Marie on Saturday, Nov, 19, 2011 1:18 PM (EST):

article fyi

Posted by SoCalAngel on Thursday, Nov, 17, 2011 2:28 PM (EST):

Jennifer, As I read your article, it took me back in time to when I was a younger, career-driven (albeit married) version of myself. I was you! And, like you, my heart was yearning for that “home-life” all the while. It is unfortunate that every time this subject is broached it seems to turn into an “us vs. them” dispute. Just because a woman decides to become a full-time homemaker doesn’t make her some kind of anti-women’s rights traitor. And women who work while having a family are not all materialistic, self-centered “Femi-nazis”! It is too bad that women allow themselves to become so polarized over this issue when it is an area where so many women could benefit greatly from supporting one another, no matter what your situation.

For those young women who are sneer or feel contempt for women who find fulfillment in a domestic life, I say, “Wait a few years and see where you are before you cast stones. Life can change very quickly!” And for those who are enjoying domestic bliss, and are critical of women who find their work fulfilling, I say, “Wait a few years because life does change and you may find your situation will be very different.” I also think that it is real blessing to women (and men) that modern technology allows so many people to work from home. It is a good thing for children when parents are more available to their family because they can be physically present.

This need for a fuller, richer family life is “written on our hearts” (Jer 31:31-34, Heb 8:10-11). The family is a divine construct which God created. The earthly family is an image of the divine family that Jesus made us a part of when he died on the cross. And, that is why God created man and woman the way he did, as complementary parts of a whole with the life-giving properties of procreation. It is part of what is meant when Scripture says that man is created in God’s image. So, we naturally long for that connection with a spouse and our children. This includes adopted and blended families because the basis is love and love is that very foundation of faith, as well as the core of Jesus’ greatest commandments. It took me years to come to a personal understanding of this and I wish I had figured it out much sooner.

Posted by ER on Tuesday, Nov, 15, 2011 3:32 PM (EST):

Yeah, I feel the need to pipe in here to say i appreciated when Jen said. I didn’t hear her at all even insinuate that working outside the home is selfish. She actually said it was a sacrifice. There was no problem with this article, just with people that won’t understand the main idea (BTW, Jen, I love the line about our souls shouting to us, YES, This!). If all writing had to incorporate multiple segues and exceptions to fit everyone’s life, it would be too cumbersome to read.

Posted by Marie on Monday, Nov, 14, 2011 12:37 PM (EST):

@Maureen: Excellent comment!

@memma: The words themselves were not uncharitable, I am glad you did not intend them as such, and I do apologize if my own comments sounded uncharitable (they were not intended to be). You are right that experience does affect perspective, but in this case I do not believe it clouds mine. The experience with my sister was not an isolated event, but as vetgirl 2012 says, an example of a tendency I see in some fellow Christians to put preaching their beliefs before charity to others, on issues that essentially have no bearing on their immortal souls. Are those who care for their pets turning their backs on God? Vetgirl2012 mentions that she has a fiance and comes from a big family, so I doubt she is neglecting the love of other human beings in favor of love for her dog. Your closing comments do seem to imply this neglect, which is why I felt called to respond. Again I apologize if I misread what you intended to say, and perhaps the best option for us to take on this issue, as you say, is that we agree to disagree.

Posted by vetgirl2012 on Monday, Nov, 14, 2011 10:27 AM (EST):

@memma: I think what Marie was finding uncharitable was the attitude or implication that because I use my time to care for/love a dog, I am neglecting my duty as a spiritual mother of humanity. I often encounter this attitude among Catholics. Just because a dog is an “animal” and doesn’t by your definition have an “eternal soul”, does not mean it is not worthy of the love one would give a human. Working in the veterinary profession, I often encounter people who love their animals deeply. In many cases, these animals stood by them and comforted them as they battled cancer or lost a spouse. Is it wrong that they lavish love and attention on these animals? I think the love and comfort of God is made manifest to these people through these animals. Does it matter that the love of God comes through people or other parts of His creation? I see nothing wrong with treating an animal as family. It doesn’t matter that dogs were not created in God’s image. He made them, they are good. And they are a representation of His love for us (if you re-read Marie’s post, she never says they are created in His Image).

Posted by memma on Friday, Nov, 11, 2011 9:35 PM (EST):

@vetgirl: Let’s agree the disagree, then. I do want to add, however, that man was created in God’s image (eternal soul). Animals and the rest of creation were not. I don’t see where the debate over the eternality of dogs’ souls comes from, since we can only glean Truth from what has been revealed to us and not from what might be or has not been revealed. It has been revealed that we are made in God’s image. I don’t think it was ever revealed that dogs were created in God’s image.
@Marie: I had no intention of being uncharitable or inconsiderate. In fact, I re read my post and (to me) it doesn’t read as such. Please let me know which statement(s) were problematic, so that in the future I may improve my comments. Not to be uncharitable or unkind, but it is also possible that one might read anger or uncharitability into statements that do not coincide with one’s own opinion—especially if there is already some evidence of prior personal (negative) experience.

Posted by vetgirl2012 on Friday, Nov, 11, 2011 2:28 PM (EST):

@Marie: Amen, sister!!!

Posted by Marie on Friday, Nov, 11, 2011 1:26 PM (EST):

@memma and vetgirl2019: I heard a Thomistic theologian once lecture about this very thing. Yes, in creation animals are ontologically on a lower level of being than humans. They do have what is called an “animal soul,” which is certainly distinct from a human soul. And yes, Christ came and died for the sins of humanity. But then again, there is no “Adam and Eve” for dogs, is there? Their lives in this Fallen world are affected by man’s sin. The point is, who knows? And, at the end of the day, what does it matter if someone believes that their pet will be with them in heaven, or will be with them after the Resurrection in New Heaven and New Earth?

Yes, it is important to recognize that humans are at a higher level of being than man (for instance, if your sister and your dog were both drowning, you should probably try to save your sister first). And some people do carry it too far, and place animals almost above people (I’m thinking of those vegan pro-choicers out there). But that doesn’t mean that animals have no value, or potentially no purpose (they are part of creation and we are tasked with being stewards of creation, and St. Francis of Assisi as you mentioned promoted awareness of that fact). I absolutely believe we can grow in virtues of selflessness and humility and charity by taking care of and loving our pets, and what we learn from those experiences help is in loving and caring for the people God has placed in our lives.

“Neither eye has seen, nor ear heard what God has ready.” None of us can know for sure; the only thing we know for certain is that we will be completely filled with God’s love and bliss, and for my own part I hope my dog has a little place with me in that bliss.

It upsets me on a personal level when people become very imposing about this issue. When my sister was eight she came home from CCD sobbing because her teacher told her that her dog wouldn’t go to heaven when he died. To me that smacks of an uncharitable heart: As long as there is an understanding of the hierarchy of being, and humanity’s place in that hierarchy, then there is absolutely no reason to assert that your beliefs of what no one knows for certain about heaven are the definitive truths, and that anyone else is wrong. Memma, I hope and believe that you did not mean to be hurtful or uncharitable in your comments. And I do not mean this to be a heavy criticism of your comments; I merely ask that you be considerate when speaking to others about your beliefs on this topic, and weigh charity against the importance of your beliefs before asserting them over someone else’s.

You are very right to say that a mother’s responsibility is to foster the spiritual growth of her children, for which purpose you should encourage growth in both faith and reason (a faith not supported by intellectual inquiry into the purpose of those beliefs is fideism, which the Church condemns, and often fails when faced with secular rationalism that runs rampant in universities).

Posted by Maureen on Friday, Nov, 11, 2011 1:16 PM (EST):

There’s no need to drag in eternal souls to postulate animals being part of the plan of salvation. They go along with the rest of Creation being saved, as we read about the peaceable kingdom and so forth. “All Creation is groaning in labor” and so forth, and no need for it to groan if it weren’t going to be saved and have joy born from its suffering.

People freak out so much, when they could just trust in the Father Who made all the animals and Who made our hearts.

Posted by vetgirl2012 on Friday, Nov, 11, 2011 11:52 AM (EST):

@memma: I respectfully disagree with you on the eternal soul bit. Several priests (who I would consider good theologians) that I’ve spoken with have said that the eternal soul question is still an open question in regards to animals. One of my favorite James Herriot quotes is: “If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans.”

Posted by memma on Friday, Nov, 11, 2011 11:06 AM (EST):

@vetgirl2019: It is good to love and be loving toward God’s creation, St. Francis of Assisi is a great example of that, but you have to remember, when comparing dogs to children, that children have eternal souls while dogs do not. We mothers know that our main goal is not making sure our children grow up the smartest, most attractive, most gifted children. While those traits are all icing on the cake, our goal as mothers is to teach our children the Faith and to give them the tools to bring them to heaven because they have eternal souls. Our energy investments should reflect this fact. If your current station in life is that of a single person this still applies to you. Although you do not have biological/adopted/spiritual children to care for, there are plenty of brothers and sisters in Christ waiting and in need of love. Yes, you can love your dog, but always remember that the love for a dog should never supercede the love of another eternal soul.

Posted by Karen R on Wednesday, Nov, 9, 2011 9:47 AM (EST):

@TRS “meanwhile my dream job is SAHM”

I think that sums up Jen’s point. That was all. No hard feelings.

Posted by Beth on Tuesday, Nov, 8, 2011 9:54 PM (EST):

jeh-You are right on and your post was thoughtful. What happens sometimes to SAHMs of many young children is that we get tunnel vision and we forget that there is a whole wide world out there and there are many people actively involved in God’s work in many different ways. Sleep deprivation enhances tunnel vision. Motherhood is not the only way to serve God and others nor is it better than other vocations. We all have different vocations. Do we really want all the female Christians in the world to be SAHMs? No, we need them out in the work force too. Remember bloggers have to keep coming up with posts to reach their quota. They intentionally make it controversial perhaps with a goal to get more views. I keep on reading but it would be helpful for them to take some time off once in awhile and let something deeper surface with their writing. Too often the writing involves putting someone else down or talking about how ungodly other people are.

Posted by jeh on Tuesday, Nov, 8, 2011 7:46 PM (EST):

Thank you Cephas so much for what you said!

I recently returned to the Catholic faith and I am struggling significantly with reconciling the life that I lead with what constantly seems to be trumpeted as the life of the idea Catholic female.

I am 30, single and obviously a worker. I help people every day of my life in both tangible and intangible ways, I make significant relationships through my job that are very meaningful and I am very proud of the work that I do. Not everyone who is overeducated and overworked is after the bright lights of success, I just happen to really like what I do.

It’s also important to remember that not everyone can become a homemaker. For whatever reason, God has yet to bless me with a husband and that might never be His plan. I also may never have children. My work may be my calling and it’s very painful when that is so carelessly dismissed, as if I just haven’t seen the light yet. I try very hard to keep my home comfortable for when I have guests and I love the chance to bring a dish or decorations to a party of family function. To the extent that I longingly stare at my Martha Stewart magazine, I am probably wishing on some level that I had that type of life. It would certainly be nice to have someone to share a hug with from time to time at the very least! But real living is about taking the circumstances you find yourself in and making the most out of them. It’s about shining God’s love on the people that surround you - whether they are your children or your coworkers. I really don’t think that one is necessarily better than the other.

Posted by Kay on Tuesday, Nov, 8, 2011 6:29 PM (EST):

These kinds of posts confuse me. I, too, am a mom-of-many. I also happen to bill about 25+ hours per week as a writer and work another 10+ taking care of a family business. Sometimes, I’m here or there, but mostly I’m planted in front of my desk—at home. So, technically, I stay at home. (I have in the past done this while homeschooling, too.) But just because my rear is in a chair at my house, I am challenged while working to take care of the physical needs of my household, and my own need for the stuff of domestic life.

I feel truly blessed to have the much-coveted flexibility that comes with working from home, but I am still working, even if at 11 p.m. in my PJs. I also feel fortunate because of my service (work) and skill, I am able to help meet some of the financial needs of my family.
Jen, aren’t you working, too? You and some of the other “stay-at-home” Catholic mommy bloggers are writing books, giving talks, posting here and there. Are you telling me it’s only for the sake of evangelizing and there isn’t compensation involved? (Because if not, there should be.)

Even if you aren’t paid, you are obviously called to work at something in addition to housewifery. Please know this isn’t intended as an insult of the work you do. Because I think it’s generally very good work and even more specifically very much-needed. I just think a little transparency is in order. That’s all. What a blessing you have been given—to work from home in the service of our Lord and his Church and that of your family. And yes … while working on the creative process of writing, I do bake bread and cakes and will pretty much frost anything that stands still. My point? It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It’s okay to admit to being happy with domesticity and paid work. And frankly, I yearn equally for more of both.

Posted by Anna Lisa on Tuesday, Nov, 8, 2011 4:11 PM (EST):

Good post. Yes there is heaven to be found in happy domestic life. I have never seen a Mormon mommy blog, but I am a tad suspicious. How on earth does one get past the whole “Joseph Smith, rose-colored-glasses, sister wives, funny sex underwear, my man gets to be God of his own planet thing?”

Marriage and child rearing is a lot like WAR too…dealing with fallen nature, passions etc. The glossy mommy blog photos or the William Sonoma catalog don’t show the mosquitoes, the heartburn or the sweat. LOL. I have a mental husband of my husband calmly disrobing down to his boxers on a side street of downtown, because our adorable daughter who was perched on his shoulders had an attack of diarrhea which cascaded all the way down from his shoulders to legs. We still tease her about it. Yes, there are also those near perfect moments when the beauty and the love of it all reduces us to tears. After 12 pregnancies,eight children from 24 to 2 and a lot of life and love lived, I am so grateful… but I know my truest, deepest happiness lies in giving my life to God. This deep happiness can be found in many lifestyles. One can live a deeply faithful life on this planet, and find that they are the spiritual mother/father of many in heaven. Why would God deprive his faithful priests, nuns, and singles the joy of parenthood? He doesn’t. Their faithful work on this earth IS a form of giving birth. Their heavenly home will reflect this abundance too.

Posted by J on Tuesday, Nov, 8, 2011 1:43 PM (EST):

I enjoyed your post. I agree with your statement on autonomy but disagree with how you define the opposite of autonomy. Autonomy is the state of self governance. That will only lead to misery, however the opposite of that is not service to others, for there are many good social organizations that remain autonomous. The opposite of autonomy is being governed by God. When we are governed by God He will lead us to serve others, but how that will look to the world will certainly take on many facets and is reflected in the diversity of the lives of the saints. The saints range from desert hermits, cloistered nuns to social activists (only to name a few) all lived a life governed by God, but their lives were inextricably entwined with God - not others.

Posted by headinbook on Tuesday, Nov, 8, 2011 12:08 AM (EST):

Much of what you write resonates with me. As an academic high achiever who went on to qualify into a professional career, my escapist reading of choice was LM Alcott et al, in which women, though interested and engaged in the world around them, were fundamentally dedicated to home and family. Personally, I have found a deep fulfilment in leaving a “successful” career to become that model of a homemaker (though there’s little glossy about it!)

I have two main issues with this as an “ideal” though:

1) as posited above, it is for many women neither possible nor desirable to subsume themselves in the domestic. Agreed that for all but the wealthy having one salary entails some financial sacrifice, there are still many families where two incomes are vital just to make ends meet.

2) (and this is something which I consider a lot in relation to my own career trajectory) at what point does educating or training women become a dispensable luxury for the wealthy alone? In raising daughters to see home-making as the ultimate blessing, do we start to plant the idea that incurring substantial debt in pursuing higher education which is primarily for personal development rather than to increase earning capacity is perhaps not a wise step?

An interesting and thought-provoking piece as always-thank you!

Posted by Beth on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 9:11 PM (EST):

For me, it is such a gift to be able to have my life interwined so meaningfully with my family, my friends and those I serve at work. I value being a mom, wife, friend, and someone who enjoys work and finds God’s presence there. I’ve been in the trenches as a SAHM with many young children at home. At the time I never realized how much I loved my work and how much God was a part of it. Now I am grateful to have the best of both worlds.

Be very careful about painting all working women as selfish career women who don’t find any meaning in their lives. While that was Jennifer’s experience she admits she did not have God in her life at the time. Truth be told there on women on both sides of the fence, working and not working, that struggle greatly and eventually find the balance that works best for their families. I am so grateful for the women that delivered my babies, the ones who are teachers, nurses, the ones who serve in the military, the doctors and all those who find great meaning in their work and in their family life. It is truly a gift when you give yourself fully in the service of others.

Posted by vetgirl2012 on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 8:24 PM (EST):

@GeekLady: It’s not just the lovers of autonomy that love their dogs in a familial way. I’m a vet student who is about to get married, and I do refer to my dog as my child/baby (and I’m from a big family of 5 kids where my parents referred to our dogs as kids too). And I don’t begrudge the sacrifices made to keep my furry family member happy…after all, my dog loves me unconditionally and provides so much joy to me. You can’t really call limits of what will be asked of you…you never know if your dog will have health problems, behavior problems, etc. They are like children in that respect. You have to deal with what problems or issues they have to the best of your ability (like parenting again).

Posted by TRS on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 5:17 PM (EST):

@Ilovepgh…. I’m not sure if your comments were directed at me (and/or Jen) or not… but it was not my intention to wax on my ‘hard feelings’.
I wasn’t expressing hard feelings at all… but I wanted to express where I stand. I don’t want single adults to be left out of the conversation… and I think that’s reasonable.
.
It has come to my attention, only in the past year… that there are people out there who see a single woman in her 40s and conclude that she was “too focused on her career.” and “has been playing the field and got left behind.” and “What did she expect?!” Maybe it’s just come to my attention now because I have just hit my 40s. Maybe I’m only hearing/seeing it now because this is the first time it’s been expressed.
.
I just want to make people aware that most of us were working because we had to make a living… and single because we didn’t feel right about sleeping with our dates on the third dates. That’s why we’re left behind… not because we were “playing the field” 14 years of abstinence does NOT equate to playing the field.
.
To suddenly learn that a stranger maybe sees me in church and thinks I’ve been whoring it up and selfishly making tons of money… and that I did this to myself ... is as hurtful as being some poor 17 year old pregnant girl who everyone scoffs for being ‘loose’.
.
I’m certainly not accusing Ms. Fulwiler of any to those thoughts or actions…. I’m just taking the opportunity of the discussion to broaden the minds of anyone out there who is jumping to conclusions.
.
Meanwhile, my dream job is SAHM.

Posted by Donna on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 4:57 PM (EST):

Hmmm…what about those of us who are not attracted to the Mommy-blogs whatsoever ? I will read one of two or the really well-written ones every once in a while. I go to Catholic blogs for content - if I want sweet pictures there’s always Cute Overload.

Then again, I’m also unusual in that I don’t particularly like kids - except inasmuch as most kids eventually become adults . I didn’t like being a kid, either. If I had my druthers, people would be born 18, but Somebody who knows better than me has arranged things otherwise.

Posted by MarylandBill on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 3:36 PM (EST):

PHP? You weren’t the nerd of the year, you were the masochist nerd of the year :). And yes, only the tiny fraction of us who are real nerds will get that :).

Posted by Karen on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 2:30 PM (EST):

Well I will give you a completely different perspective - those career women are a little bit lucky too. I was a full-time working woman for a while before I got married, and I’ve had a few jobs since. But even as the mom of 4 young children, my life is much EASIER now then it was then. I have no idea what it’s like to find “fullfillment” from a “career”. Near-minimum-wage, pink and blue color jobs are all I ever got because I could not afford to finish college. So whenever anyone sympathizes with me on how “hard” my life must be as a stay at home mom, I say feel sorry for my coworkers who are still working those horrible jobs. They do 20x the work I do, and no one ever says anything nice about them on any blogs!

Posted by mrsceecee on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 2:24 PM (EST):

I like this post. It’s exactly how I felt and feel. When I was single with no prospects of getting married in my early 30’s I started looking into getting more education and planning my childless, husbandless future. I had been praying for a husband for about 8 years and nothing happened, so I started to get more comfortable with my new future. Two months before I started graduate school I met my husband, but at the time didn’t think anything of it. Three years later we were married and I dreamed of being the perfect homemaker while reading Martha Stewart magazines. I would love to have that life, but I know it’s definitely unrealistic especially watching my sister who is a SAHM struggle to keep the house clean. The grass may not always be greener on the other side, but as women we make decisions and hope and pray for the best. If I knew what I know now I probably would not have gone to graduate school which would have made it easier for me to a SAHM.
TRS, I totally agree. I got the same comments from people when I was single thinking that I wanted to be single. I questioned what was wrong with me and most people had their reasons which didn’t fit me at all. I’ve been where you are and I totally understand.

Posted by ilovepgh on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 2:02 PM (EST):

WOW - oh my gosh, the hard feelings that this article dragged up!

Maybe, if we could all start reading these articles that hit us hard and come at them with charity first, we’d see the truth in them; instead of leaving us whimpering in the corner of “she hurt my feelings” as if we’re all little children!

My life is not this article either. I’m 50, I’ve always wanted this, have never had it, but that doesn’t keep me from seeing the truth in it. No one I know “assumes” that just because I don’t stay at home that I’m somehow a corporate climber. And if they do, it’s too bad and it’s none of my business because that is something they need to fix with God.

So how about giving Jennifer the benefit of the doubt here? She expressed her life, not yours, not mine. That is it, it wasn’t meant as a judgment on anyone’s motives or what-not, but merely a reflection of her experience.

I think the world is already hard enough on us already, so why come into this place, and tear even each other down unnecessarily?

Posted by Jen on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 1:21 PM (EST):

@TRS - I’m in the same boat! Thanks for posting, it makes me feel less alone. God bless you.

Posted by Wilsclanmom on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 1:03 PM (EST):

What a beautiful, refreshing post. We all have to discover what “real life” is for us. And for most women, that is going to include family life. I’m sure it’s possible to discover living beyond yourself by being Mother Theresa or someone in that mold, and that is great. But for most of us, the giving life is going to be anchored in “the common lot of man” and woman—-getting up for 2 am feedings, teaching your children right from wrong, loving a spouse sacrificially, making meals to nourish a family, etc. There are no rules that say you can’t widen your circle beyond a nuclear family, but that seems to be the place God created to connect our heart-anchor to. Loved the post. And PS…What on earth is that bizarre, out of place comment by SkiFree Champion all about. He needs to get over his adolescent knee jerk compulsion to spit on religions he doesn’t like.

Posted by SkiFree Champion on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 12:24 PM (EST):

@Steven D. Greydanus

I’ve found the key to unlocking this hardened heart of mine, and his name is Jesus. Did you know he once came to America?

And with that, I’ve exhausted my supply of Mormon jokes (save for the less tasteful ones about polygamy). Enjoy your day, sir.

Posted by TRS on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 12:12 PM (EST):

Don’t forget… some women who are working are doing so, mainly because they haven’t had the luck or blessing to have a husband and a family.
I pour over those sweet mommy blogs and beautiful pictures as well - often wondering what is so special about them that some man decided to commit to her… and what is so wrong with me that no one has. Knowing full-well it was probably just a right place, right time sort of thing.
But what chafes me is discovering that people think I’m single and working because I have huge, selfish career ambitions that I have placed before love and family…. when my life couldn’t be any further from that idea.

@SkiFree Champion: Or you could keep your cold, secular heart locked up tight, and try to convince yourself that your life has meaning without God. Good luck with that, friend.

Posted by SkiFree Champion on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 11:41 AM (EST):

Steven D. Greydanus: I don’t need to see God, all I need is to read the Book of Mormon and when I feel His presence in my heart I’ll know it’s true. And after I take some Tums to confirm that all that firey bosom action isn’t just heartburn (O me of little faith), I am going to start loving the hell out of God.

SkiFree Champion: There is no keeping the eighth commandment without nuance, and no loving God without keeping the eighth commandment. If any one says, “I love God,” and snarks on his brother with straw-man tactics, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

Thank you for the hat tip, Jennifer!
This is a beautiful article. Your experience and everything you write is so inspiring.
I especially love: “Spending time with people you love, celebrating the little moments of life together, being free to engage in all the hard work of loving and living that transforms a house into a home—this is what life is all about.”

Posted by SkiFree Champion on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 10:41 AM (EST):

@Steven D. Greydanus

You’re right, I don’t want nuance. All I want is the love of Heavenly Father.

@SkiFree Champion: “Cult” is not a very helpful label from a Catholic point of view.

Mormons are a sub-Christian sect, and indeed a sub-theistic sect. Like many sub-Christian sects and non-Christian religions, Mormonism includes elements of truth (see Lumen Gentium), and can be a factor in helping some of its adherents lead comparatively healthy and balanced human lives (although in other cases its distortions may lead to more limited and distorted lifestyles). It may even be possible for those in sub-Christian sects and non-Christian religions to achieve salvation—although as long as they remain outside the Catholic Church they are in a gravely deficient position with respect to salvation (see Dominus Iesus).

But from your snarky, patronizing tone I’m not sure nuance was what you really wanted.

Posted by GeekLady on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 10:00 AM (EST):

I wonder if this is why so many of the people I know or read who value the idea of their complete autonomy and scorn the idea that you can be happy with in a domestic life have a familial love affair with their dogs?

I mean, I love dogs, but it would never in a million years occur to me to call my dogs ‘my kids’ (or worse, refer to my parents as the dog’s grandparents!). Nor would I want to take them everywhere with me, or be offended there are places I couldn’t take them, or a million other weird behaviors people these days have over their pets.

Dogs, pets in general, require you to make some sacrifices. We’re dog sitting right now, she’s part Weimareiner, part chocolate lab, so she needs tons of exercise and I got up and took her for a jog/walk/drag this morning before I got ready for work. I gave up my morning reading time and some extra sleep for this, but was surprised by how happy it made me, wrenched knee and sore biceps not withstanding. Yet I still tucked her away in her kennel when it was time to leave for work.

With a dog, you can know the limits of what will be asked of you. With people, and especially with children, not so much.

Posted by SkiFree Champion on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 9:54 AM (EST):

Very interesting to observe how Christians use Mormons. When defending orthodox Christianity, Mormons are cultists. When attacking secularism, they’re “people of faith.”

The Christian teaching I’m taking away from this is that it’s better to put your faith in a cult than not to have any faith at all. So I guess I’ll go to mormon.org and arrange a meeting with some missionaries; I’ll trade in my cold secular heart for a burning in my bosom and then I’ll be right as rain.

Posted by Cephas on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 9:27 AM (EST):

While I appreciate your recognition of meaningfulness of self-donation, and the primacy of the needs of children, I fear you slight the world of work outside the home.

Not everyone who works outside the family works for their own shameless self-promotion. It’s myths and heresies as these that lead to the condemnation of selfishness by the Occupy movements and Catholic Saints alike, albeit for different reasons.

Work is a service, and in surrendering self to work, we serve others and under the proper (non-laboratory) conditions give off a byproduct of sanctifying self. As St. Josemaria taught, in the words of A. Havard, “work is not a punishment for Original Sin, but as a gift from God that sustains life and allows mere mortals to be co-creators of the world with God. Work well done is a vehicle for the worker’s sanctification and a sacrifice to be offered to God for the salvation of souls.”

Tell me how fulfilling life at home with family is. Tell me what sweetness and sacrifice are to be found there. Tell me how you are becoming more Christian and a better person there. But please do so without knocking down the noble pursuit of work outside the home.

Posted by SouthernTransplant on Monday, Nov, 7, 2011 9:10 AM (EST):

yet oddly, it is from these career women that sahms get the most pressure to get back to work. When my 2 oldest were preschoolers, I had a women in a bank rebuke me for wasting my education and life by not working. I somehow imagine if she had seen me with 5 kids she would have cussed me out!

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Jennifer Fulwiler is a writer and speaker who converted to Catholicism after a life of atheism. She’s a contributor to the books The Church and New Media and Atheist to Catholic: 11 Stories of Conversion, and is writing a book based on her personal blog, ConversionDiary.com. She and her husband live in Austin, TX with their five young children, and were featured in the nationally televised reality show Minor Revisions. You can follow her on Twitter at @conversiondiary.