Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Montgomery Clift

Got home this morning from spending the night on the ship, took a shower and got something to eat. I tried to take a cat nap on the couch, but the only one sleeping was the cat. Since I couldn't fall asleep and Gareth was home we decided to watch a movie. He put in the movie From Here to Eternity with Montgomery Clift. I'm a huge classic movie fan, always have been all my life.

Gareth had never watched this movie before and I had to laugh when he mentioned that he never realized movies from that time period could be as sexual as From Here To Eternity is with one of its story lines. For me, I remember watching this movie when I was just a kid and thinking before I even knew what the word gay meant that I really liked that Pruitt guy. There was something about him that got my attention.

When I grew up and watched the movie again I finally understood why. It was also about the same time I was struggling with the fact that I was gay. As a kid you're shielded from certain comments, but as you get older and you're watching a movie or reading about some celebrity people would make remarks such as "he's so handsome, too bad he's gay" or "What a nice guy, too bad he's gay" and "Such a good actor, but he's gay." Of course, to them it was just a comment and life moved on. But my ears picked that up and filed it away. It also engraved in my mind that every time someone mentioned the "gay" word, it was in a negative tone. Something to be ashamed of and only whispered about, but never spoken out loud. So of course that reinforced the belief in me that I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was feeling.

Usually the names being mentioned as being gay were people I wasn't anything like. Even when I heard names of people and celebrities linked to the gay word, I would think I'm nothing like them. Most were usually effeminate men and I was definitely not that. Even when a name like Cary Grant was mentioned as being bi-sexual, I couldn't relate to him because I wasn't the sophisticated, suave man like he was in life and on screen.

Then one day I watched From Here To Eternity with Montgomery Clift on a Sunday afternoon. I didn't remember much about the movie except I remembered he was cute. I didn't realize at the time that in real life he was gay. Even though the story was set at the beginning of World War II it wasn't long before I saw on screen a character that I could relate to what I was dealing with in my own life. The character in the movie and me in real life were both trying to do the right thing and stay out of trouble and fights. I was constantly getting into both and after several visits to the school and with police I promised my Dad and Mom I wouldn't fight anymore and try to stay out of trouble. Both the character and I failed at that attempt.

It was only after I watched the movie and mentioned to someone that I thought it was a good movie and I really liked Montgomery Clift did someone mention he was gay. I then went out and got the movie and watched it again. Even though the character he plays isn't gay, I still related to the character and now knowing he was gay in real life I finally found someone that seemed to be like me on screen. I remember wanting to know more about this man and when I found out the details of his life and death, I started to wonder if that was the ending all gay men have? I was depressed for days. We're we all doomed with a lifetime of alternating between hating and accepting who we are, and only for a brief few moments in between that struggle could we find love and live a normal life? Knowing that in the end we'll fail and are doomed to die sad, lonely and broken. Fortunately for me, the time when I dealt with my acceptance and when he dealt with his were like night and day. Now that my life is settled and I've found my place in this world, when I watched the movie today I didn't just see the Pruitt character he played and think to myself how much I could relate to the character. I saw Montgomery Clift, the man and wondered what was he dealing with inside when he was making this movie? Did he ever know any happiness in life? Did he ever get a chance to really love someone and be loved by someone? Knowing how his life ended, I wanted to reach through the screen and put my arms around him and give him a hug and tell him it does get better as I'm sure his best friend Elizabeth Taylor did many times. She'll always have a special place in my heart for what she did for boys like us. I can't help but wonder how many others have passed through this world not being able to be who they were intended to be?

In his time you could be jailed for kissing another man or given electric shock to try and reset the brain, or tucked away in an insane asylum, or you could lose your whole career, family, and friends. Although the struggle he had in life in accepting himself is familiar, we can never know how hard it was for those who came before us. Yet even today we need a campaign to tell others that it does get better. We have Matthew Shepard's being left to die alone in fields and politicians using marriage as a political weapon. Even though we have more freedom now than Montgomery did in his day, we're not there yet. There is still a lot of work to do to get equality in all fazes of life. A song just came on the radio here from Gary Alan that sums it up, "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."

Steve: I am so glad that you had the infuences that made you who you are. I am glad that you have Gareth to love you but most of all I am glad that you love yourself and that you share that with the rest of us through your blog. Thank you!