Application for a Position of a Caretaker in your Castle

Written by Festus Ngangi

The music teacher appeared from the administration block and in his hand he held some papers. Mutune was as sure as heaven! These were not love letters Mr. Kiema had written to his wife. He was an old man and most probably past the age of writing love letters. These were without doubt the names of the students who were supposed to go for the music festivals. Mutune was not among them even though he was already in the school bus which they had nicknamed the “great rhino” due to its old- fashioned shape that resembled a rhino that had bent its head ready to attack an enemy.

He had to act swiftly or else he would miss a chance to go out. He was not only losing the chance but he would also earn a severe punishment. He ducked under the old seats of the “great rhino” just in time to hear the teacher instruct all the students to come out of the bus so that he called them one by one. Luck was not on Mutune’s side and from his hiding place he heard the teacher demand to see ‘Mutune”. Somebody had whispered his presence in the bus to Mr. Kiema.

Assessing the students’ suspicious stare, by the virtue of being in this noble profession for a while, always knew when the boys were out for mischief. He knew Mutune was hiding somewhere inside the bus, only that he couldn’t say the exact part. He therefore decided to play his usual espionage tricks. He got inside the bus, looked under the first seat, the second…and on the fifth; he stopped, nodding to himself gladly, he stepped hard on the part of the feet that had been left out.

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After calling out the last name, Mr. Muange got into the bus and closed the door. He looked across the bus and feeling satisfied, he beckoned to the driver to set the ‘‘rhino’’ charging. Immediately the bus got out of the school gate, the boys started chanting their favourite own composed tunes, praising their school or ‘dissing’ enemy school.

Mutune had been the last person to alight from the bus after the two hour journey. Two of his friends had pretended to be picking something from the bus as they monitored Mr. Muange’s movements. When he got busy greeting teacher friends from other schools they motioned to Mutune, who came out and disappeared among the many students and public who had come for the district music festivals. However, he knew he was a wanted man. He knew he would comfortably compete and win the position with, one Osama bin Laden.

He wanted to accomplish his mission, so he sent for his cousin who was a student in fourth form in this girl’s school hosting the festivals. She had introduced him to this beautiful girl during debate club at Mutune’s school a month before. Before they parted they had promised to write each other letters and Mutune could tell she had liked him. So this day he had not only written it but also brought it personally.

The girls from the host school were not allowed to interact with the visitors before normal class time ended which was 4.00 p.m., but she had managed to come after getting his message through one classmate of hers who was performing. These were the only group of students allowed out.

He had written it carefully then taken it to another classmate of his, who had the best handwriting in the school. He usually provided these writing services for a certain fee and most boys sought his services when writing these important letters. This was his letter which he had read and re-read before putting it in a beautifully decorated envelope; he had then sprayed it with some perfume from a friend and sealed it.

RE: APPLICATION FOR A POSITION OF A CARETAKER IN YOUR CASTLE

I feel very much honoured indeed as I pen down this great missive to the one I always dream about. My heart melts away like ice exposed to the burning sun rays of summer and deep within the romantic well of my soul, the love waters are stirred up when I think of you.

I know that by now you may have understood my main gist of wanting to waste this Webuye product at such a time. First is to take an academic break, and then to make an application for a position of a caretaker in your castle (beautiful) heart.

Your beauty always catches me off guard and at times I wonder whether you are an angel on a picnic on this third planet of the solar system. Your charming smile makes me wanna go parakacha and at times this feeling of you drives me nuts wanting to even commit suicide. I must admit God must have created you on the 8th day and after lunch, so He had all the time to create an angel.

I always think of you and last night as I walked from power house, I skid falling on the ground and guess what happened! I just wrote your name on the mud. All I need is a gate pass to your heart; permission to nurse your soul, and in return I promise to live for you and give you heaven. I know you might not believe it; we were made to be together. If you don’t believe it just try titrating it during your chemistry class- me, dissolving in you; and the colour change is the colour of love. Finally I wish to stop there for now because I am forced by these cruel circumstances to stop for now. Otherwise I could have continued till the end of the world; but before I pen off I wish to ask you this; will you be my Juliet and I will be your Romeo? Adios.

His cousin appeared after one hour. With shaking hands he had opened the envelope and he began to read the contents smilingly. These were the contents.

I am as happy as Vasco Da Gama when he discovered Malindi monument. As I jot down this missive, I feel honoured as Queen Elizabeth to know that a sweet thing like you can love me. I am indeed singing and dedicating this lyric by Britney spears-‘I was born to make you happy’ and also ‘you are my hero’ by Enrique Glasious. For your information you stand accused because you have committed a criminal offence. Imagine you have committed robbery without violence. You have stolen somebody’s heart and that person is me. However, I don’t want it back as long as you will take good care of it; never to break it up. Yaani you are acquitted by the judge.

Teach me the language of love, and we will communicate romantically. Teach me the life of love and we will romantically, teach me the ways of love and we will walk together romantically.

luv

He had been nodding to himself as he smiled to his friend when he felt strong arms hold him to the ground. He looked up only to find Mr. Muange daring him to run away.

This story has been entered into the Humour-in-an-Envelope December 2010 Contest. To vote for it, please fill in your comments in the comments section and indicate a number between 1 and 10, with 1 being weak and 10 being excellent. The points will be tallied on Sunday 19th December 2010 after 4pm, and the winner announced on Monday 20th December 2010. The first winner gets KES 1000 in airtime, second winner KES 500 in airtime, and the third winner gets KES 200 in airtime.

reminds one of those old school adventures; the letters were a good way to polish our writing skills. Amusing how information in private ‘application letters’ would be shared by a whole class and drafted for maximum effect.