Monday, March 30, 2009

Okay okay, Duke lost. Boohoo. I am over it. I ate my words. They were free but nasty!

Luckily this past weekend more than made up for it!

It started off Friday when my girl Megan offered me a free ticket to the new Neil LaBute play, Reasons to be Pretty, at the Lyceum Theatre. The play rocked and made me happy I was not in a relationship! Hehe! And I am always pretty! Double hehe! After the play, Megan and my other girl and cohort and play attendee Eliza and I went to an Irish bar near the venue. I drank 2 Diet Cokes, since it's Lent and all, and of course I told the cute Irish bartender that was why I wasn't drinking beer. Best part? Megan and Eliza bought me those Diet Cokes, so they were free!

The book discussion was good, but even better was the free food! We're talking Snickerdoodles. We're talking cheese and crackers. We're talking rugelach, cookies, popcorn, and loads of other treats, including wine which I did not drink!

After book club, I headed over to Hoboken for my sister's 32nd birthday party. Wow, what a feast! I ate lasagna, a delish and huge piece of chocolate cake, salad, and lots of apps! Then on Sunday I ate leftover lasagna and cake! Woohoo!

Today, again, I ate leftover lasagna. It was very filling. I also ate a chocolate chip cookie that my coworker Paul gave me. So so so good.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Your girl Liz graduated from Duke University in 2001, alongside basketball champion Shane Battier. Unfortunately for him, we were not friends (my choice, not his). Duke won the NCAA championship that year, and they are going to win it again this year. It's time!

Duke was a great place for many reasons, but near the top is the all you can eat buffets. Wow, did I take advantage of them! Strictly speaking, the food was not free, since Mama and Papa Simons paid a hefty price for it. But I never saw the bursar's bill, so let's just say that the Duke dining hall is where my passion for free food began. It's also the reason I gained 40 lbs in college and graduated a virgin. C'est la vie!

After college I joined Weight Watchers and lost all the weight, got hot, started exercising, blah blah blah. While I curbed my appetite for free food, it was never eradicated. So today I say with pride I ate several pieces of candy from Johhny K's Batman head, including a York peppermint patty and a Cadbury creme egg.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I know when you look at your girl Liz, you think that I am a very sophisticated city girl. You think, wow, Liz has style! And grace! And lots and lots of lovers! Yes, yes, these are common first impressions of me. And while they are all correct, I have never forgotten my roots. I grew up in the world's greatest town in the world's greatest valley. North Andover and Merrimack, respectively. Holla!

North Andover is home to many great things, among them Harrison's Roast Beef, residents Barry O'Hagan and Bob Langevin (tied for first place in my "Top 10 Greatest Dads who are not my own Dad" ), and Smolak Farms (my first job ever). North Andover is just a stone's throw away from tax-free Salem, New Hampshire and Methuen's greatest shopping destination, The Loop. Jealous much?

Your girl Liz was not an athlete in high school, rather I was a mathlete, spelling bee champion, and theater geek. That's why running the 15k this past weekend in Central Park was so important to me, picture above! I was making the town of North Andover proud!

Which is a great feat considering how we have made the news lately. Don't go stealing $20k from your place of employment, or you might just get a gun stuck in your mouth! Ah, blessed North Andover!

Good thing they have me, free food eating champion of the world. After a not great weigh-in at Weight Watchers yesterday, I pledged to eat more healthy foods this week. But, how could I resist a mini-Cadbury creme egg? I couldn't, so I ate it!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I love pizza, especially when it's free. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I was asked to join a focus group at work today during lunch. They said snacks would be provided, which usually means a platter of cookies, which I'll take in these tough economic times. But the focus group leaders exceeded my expectations--they provided full-on lunch: pizza, salad, and soda.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Several years ago, I rented the movie Chuck and Buck. My brother Androo and I watched it in our parents' basement and wow weren't we all kinds of disturbed. I have no idea how to describe it except to say there is a classic line which can be found here. It's the second one down.

Mike White starred in Chuck and Buck. He also wrote School of Rock, which is slightly more mainstream. At any rate, Mike and his gay dad Mel--who used to ghost -write for the very tolerant Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson--are on the current season of Amazing Race and they are, well, amazing. I am so in love with Mel that I am sad he is 1) older than my dad 2) homosexual and 3) has a long-term partner who I highly doubt he will leave for me. Boooooo! It would never work for us!

Amazing Race is one of my favorite shows ever (surpassing I Love Money, the Millionaire Matchmaker, and Celebrity Apprentice COMBINED) and it got me thinking, they probably get to eat a lot of free food in their travels around the world. Some of it is exotic (sheep testicles), some is not (pies), and some will get you drunk (vodka). I imagine there is not much time for blogging though, so it would be challenging for me to maintin the brilliant website that is freefoodforme.blogspot.com while traipsing around the globe.

Till then, I have to settle for what free food I can scrounge at work. Totday is was leftover salad (although I only picked the olives out of it) and a couple mini-mini Cadbury eggs from Johnny K's Batman head.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

My sister turned 32 today, which was awesome because it meant a party which meant, drum roll please, free food!

Since I ran a 15k road race in the morning, I was totally okay with eating whatever the hell I wanted. Immediately after the race, I went to a Jewish diner with my running buddy Jen and I ordered a deep fried hot dog smothered in chili, cheese, and sauerkraut, with a potato knish on the side. While this was not free, it was delicious!

After brunch, I showered at the gym and then headed up to the Upper East Side for my sister's birthday party at her friend Bridgette's apartment.

Bridgette is an excellent hostess and cook, as were all the other guests. It was all very genteel. There were yogurt parfaits, brie, chocolate chip cookies that your girl Liz made, No Pudge brownies, a caserole, potato dish, mimosas (which teetotaling me did not drink! Boo!), and a decadent and delicious cake made by professional baker Hope Jones. You too can order some of her amaaaaazing treats at her company Hope Faith & Gluttony. Look at the cake she made below!Katie's birthday party was an overwhelming success in the quest for free food. Thank you Bridgette, Susan, Hope, and Lori! And Katie--happy birthday and congratulations on your recent 250 lb weight loss!

Friday, March 20, 2009

You know, I thought for sure I would have a book deal by now based on this amazing blog about free food I write. I mean, these people do! So why not me??? For now, like most creative geniuses a la Vincent Van Gogh, I will be toiling in obscurity, until I turn crazy and cut off my ear. Some, especially, my family, may say I have already turned crazy, though I still have both my ears.

But enough about me, let's talk about the free food! Today is a Friday during Lent, which means no meat. This is a real challenge for me as my fifth food group is pepperoni. But your girl got lucky because there were 2 leftover pizzas in the office kitchen, and I grabbed a slice of cheese! Woohoo! Then towards the end of the day my colleague Max brought me a cupcake. He truly knows the way to get me to do anything he wants now!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

What's up kids??? Been a long time since I rapped at you (paging Jim Anchower). So sorry, but I've been busy!

I took Tuesday off from work to attend a kick ass St. Patrick's Day party in an office on 5th avenue, overlooking the parade. I drank beer for the first time since Lent began. Wow, was it tasty! And FREE! I also ate several hors d'oeuvres, a corned beef sandwich, and lots of cookies. Yum!

I stumbled home around 8:30, and then my friends called me to join them at the wonderfully awesome dive bar O'Hanlon's. My friend Suzanne bought me a Harp! Wow! A fabulous day for free food!

Yesterday was a tough day. I was semi-hungover, but not too bad. During lunch, I went to Economy Candy, an old-school candy store on the Lower East Side. I bought $15 dollars worth of cavity-causers, including mint lentils, red and black little rasperry thingies, a Valomilk (read about these and other treats in the absolute delightful book Candy Freak by Steve Almond), and Mallo Cups. Your girl Liz was bummed because there were no Idaho Spuds or GooGoo Clusters. I did buy some Peanut Chews for my boy Johnny K's Batman head.

As for my free food yesterday, I ate a chocolate peanut butter cupcake from Eleni's.

Today was a bit healthier. My coworker Robert gave me a piece of Irish soda bread. It was delish.

Monday, March 16, 2009

What's up kids???? Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and I am allowed to drink. St. Liz granted herself a dispensation and even though she gave up booze for Lent, St. Paddy's a special day for a super cute lass like myself!

In preparation for all the craic I am going to have tomorrow, I exercised and ate healthy foods for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I did not eat healthy foods in between meals, however! I ate one chocolate bunny from Johnny K's Batman head, and then one of my girlz was putting together goody bags for a presentation. She had bags and bags of rock candy, so I begged her for a blue piece.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Your girl Liz is getting in SHAPE. I ran a wee 3 miles last night after work, and this morning I woke up at 6:30 so I could do an 8:30 5 mile road race in Central Park. Couple this with no drinking for 40 days and I'm pretty sure I'll be looking like Gisele Junior by Easter, but without the boobs and Tom Brady! Woohoo!

As for free food, yesterday I ate several pieces of chocolate candy. Not the best move for a super fit chick like myself, but eh, I deserve it! Today was a struggle for free food as it is a weekend, but I had an even sweeter surprise--I became Facebook friends with Ramona Singer, one of the stars of the Real Housewives of New York City, and she wrote on my wall! I am touched by an angel!

Oh, and I saw Tailor Made from I Love New York 2 and I Love Money 2 on Thursday night in midtown. Your pal Liz is on the reality tv star HUNT!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Tonight I met my dear friend Lori for happy hour at PJ O'Clarke's. It was going to be a true test for me, as I have not set foot in a bar since Ash Wednesday and in case you have forgotten I gave up booze for Lent.

And guess what? Your girl Liz succeeded! Instead, I had actual real conversations with people and I played Password with Lori and her friends Alex and Jake. Woohoo!

While I abstained from the hooch juice, I did not abstain from free food at work! My colleague Adrian made cupcakes (yum!). At around 5pm, my stomach was growling and I left my desk under the illusion that I was going to the bathroom but instead I was just checking to see if there was any free food leftover in the kitchen. And there was, and it was pizza! I grabbed the last slice and returned to my desk, no trip to the bathroom required.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Today is a special day because it marks the one year anniversary of my all-time favorite favorite New York Post headline.

If you recall, on March 10, 2008, the state of New York (and the rest of the world) discovered that Governor Eliot Spitzer aka "Client 9" liked to bang hookers, including one 22-year-old lass named Ashley Alexandra Dupre.* The very man who used to chase after prostitution as the attorney general of New York was now just a typical john caught with his tail (and maybe also his penis, hehe!) between his legs. I remember when the Spitzer story broke on March 10, 2008, I was dying to know what the New York Post would cook up for the next day's paper. I eagerly bought my fave tabloid on March 11 and there it was in all its glory:The Spitzer case was even funnier because the morning the story broke, the Post ran an article about a "Shrimp Pimp" on page 3. Talk about foreshadowing!

So anyway, if you've made it this far, you must really love me! I bet you're really curious as to what free food I ate today to celebrate! Was it edible undies? Or perhaps a chocolate dildo?

Nope, my friends! Instead, I found a leftover piece of cheese pizza from a meeting, and I ate 3 York Peppermint patties from Johnny K's Batman head.

Ho no, you say? Ho yes!

*Yes, your girl Liz knows that AAD was initially alluded to as "Kristen."

Monday, March 9, 2009

My mother, aka Babs, called me this morning from Massachusetts while I was on the subway. While I usually abstain from talking on the phone in the subway, my mom never calls me in the morning so of course, being Irish, I thought someone was dead. I answered the phone with trepadition.

"Who died, Mom?"

"No, Liz! It's Barbie's 50th birthday! I should get out your box of Barbies from the attic!"

How can I NOT love my mother in all her delusional happiness and celebration for a plastic doll that gave me--and a few other millions of women--many body issues growing up?!?! I love my mom to death and she really is the person I love most in the world, since she carried me in her womb for 9 months and I was 8 lbs and change when I was born, so it couldn't been easy. Plus she tells me I'm her favorite child all the time. But it is a great irony that as we celebrate 50 years of a plastic babe looking hot and wearing the latest fashions and being so goddamn skinny, I sit down to write my blog about free food.

Barbie, be damned! I'll never have your perky big breasts or your perky lil bottom or your hot boyfriend Ken. Nope, I've got my small chest and my junk in my station wagon trunk and no boyfriend, just a DVR which keeps me great company!

Barbie, I bet in your 50 years you never got to enjoy the leftover spoils from a corporate meeting! I did, and today as a result I ate a bunch of free olives, cheese and crackers, and a chocolate covered pretzel.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Today was a Friday during Lent, so no meat for me. Luckily, my good friend Pat bought me lunch today! We ordered takeout from Famous Original Ray's Pizza. I ate penne with "white sauce" and broccoli. Delish! Thanks Pat!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I am so happy it is Friday tomorrow. Not that I am doing anything this weekend, but your girl Liz needs a break from being so important at work. I plan on doing my laundry, catching up on my shows, and writing. Should be good times.

This week, while busy, has also been pretty awesome when it comes to free food. Yesterday was a rainfall. It started at lunch when my friend had extra pizza and garlic knots. I ate a slice of pepperoni and 1/2 a slice of cheese. And 1 garlic knot.

Then after work I had my book club in the uber hip and socially conscious nabe known as Park Slope! We read Rabbit, Run by the recently departed John Updike, though I still had 30 pages to go when I got there. I'm not going to lie--I had a tough time with this book. I want to be all sophisticated and English majory and say oh Updike is my fave writer ever, when I'm not reading Pynchon, but alas I must be honest . . . Rabbit, Run was too slow for me and was more like Tortoise, Walk (this alternate title was suggested to me by my Boston friend Suzy--I give credit where credit is due!).

Despite my struggle with the book (the last 30 pages, which I finished today, actually redeem it--it's when shit finally starts happening!), Book Club is always an excellent source of free food! I ate hummus, guac, chips, olives, spinach pita things, cheese, and crackers. No wine though, because St. Liz is abstaining from booze during Lent. For the main course I ate chicken, rice, salad, and lots and lots of desserts, though I brought the sweets over myself so they don't count as free food.

Today I was late for work because I got home so late from book club. Wow, that's a pathetic reason to be tardy to the work party. I snuck a few pieces of candy in for my free food quota today. Then I ran 6 miles after work. Yippee!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Facebook is good in many ways. You can track down your first grade crush, you can learn 25 really important things about a person, and you can share with the world every last detail about your personal life! Yippee! It's like we invited Big Brother from 1984 to be our new roommate!

What is bad about Facebook: Photos!

Photos on Facebook are bad in three main ways. One, you have to look at people's baby's ultrasounds, which I'm sorry to say is creepy. Two, it is depressing when 25 of your friends were tagged in a wedding album of a 26th friend, and you weren't invited to that wedding and it makes you feel sorry for yourself, and think that no one will ever love you.

And three, you cannot control when people will post unflattering pictures of you. My friend Craig, whom I adore, recently posted a potentially awesome picture of me. It is from a trip this past summer to Cape Cod. In it, I am sitting in between 2 gorgeous Italian (from Italy!) men. My thighs are the size of tree trunks. Horrible. I would untag myself, but the Italians are so sexy that I want all my friends who I have not seen in 1, 5, 10 years to see the hot company I keep!

Which brings me to my post about free food. I've been making healthier choices because next year I want those tree trunks to look like twigs, or at the very least branches. So today I ate a sample chocolate mint bar they gave out for free at Weight Watchers.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hey all! Miss me??? Probs you do! Don't blame you! You will all be happy to know that this past weekend was a victorious one in the quest for free food.

It started Friday night when I met my sister out for dinner in Astoria at a place called Ovelia. Being a good Catholic (well, for the 40 days during Lent at least), I abstained from meat and booze, and instead munched on eggplant dip, pita bread, and a portobello sandwich with goat cheese. I drank 2 Diet Pepsis and water. When the bill came, Sister Katie grabbed it. I was TOTALLY OKAY with her paying the check. It was like practicing for an Internet date! Afterwards, we stopped at a cafe for dessert and coffee. I paid this time--didn't want her to think she was going to get laid!

On Saturday I slept in and went for a 40 minute run. It hurt as I haven't exercised in 3 weeks. Afterwards, I met a friend out at the Museum of Natural History on the Upper West Side. It's cool because while admission for adults is $15, it is simple a suggested donation--you can be cheap and give less. I was all set to pay $5, but when I got to the counter I chickened out and paid the full price. The Museum of Natural History is so super rad and I cannot believe I had not been there sooner. Just like all the little kids, I was obsessed with the dinosaur room, and I was completely enthralled to see a triceratops fossil (or fake fossil). You see, in 7th grade I did an amazing science video project on the tri with my friend Leah, and I seemed to have a speech impediment when it came to the words triceratops, and also the phrase the "neck and leg muscles." I have recreated this brilliant and informative video for you. Watch and learn.

Afterwards, my friend and I went to a cafe and she treated me to a coffee and a huge chocolate chip cookie. Not exactly the wisest choice for a Weight Watcher, but eh, it was Saturday and I'm not drinking booze for 40 days so who cares about a few extra calories. So there was my free food quota for Saturday.

This morning I ran a 5k road race in Washington Heights. My time wasn't great--I ran a 10:30 mile, but it wasn't all bad because after a bunch of us went over to my friend Jessica's apartment where she served us homemade--and free!--pancakes turkey sausage and bacon, coffee, and eggs. What a wonderful day! Then I returned to Astoria and have been catching up on my shows and cooking all afternoon. I should go to bed soon. I'm excited because tomorrow we may get a foot of snow in the city--maybe they'll cancel work! Hehe! A girl can wish! Love you all! Especially my sister Katie, though I don't even think she reads this blog. Silly girl!

About Me

Liz Simons is a New York City-based comedian who has performed all over the city at top clubs including Carolines, Gotham, and Broadway Comedy Club. She has been a featured performer in the show Mortified in New York and Boston. She is adorable, single, and likes to eat. She started this blog because she was known as the girl at her office who was always the first person to know about the leftover food from meetings. And how she loved that free food! She took that passion and now writes about her daily selection of free food.