BCCI requests Arnab Goswami to be the head coach

BCCI has announced that the matter of the team coach will be settled soon with a surprising but a very apt choice. It is a well-known observation and complaint against MS Dhoni, made by well-known old players and not-so-well-known columnists, that the major and single reason for Team India’s poor performance of late has been the defensive approach of MSD.

Ready for the job

To sum up their comments: MSD is getting older and hence taking fewer risks; the lack of aggression is the main reason for the pathetic performance in tests, in spite of the excellent performances from the openers and fast bowlers; his defensive strategies are even resulting in poor T20 matches; he has become so defensive that he consults aviation ground staff before going for his famous helicopter shots.

Addressing a press conference attended only by Faking News, a BCCI spokesperson said that they had analyzed all possible options for a new coach before taking their decision. Since the old players have demanded for Indian coaches, though the previous appointment of John Wright as the team coach was taken because of lack of Indian coaches, BCCI had started looking at India contenders.

However, people like Rahul, Tendulkar and Ganguly have not shown any interest in the offer. BCCI has already finalized Ishant Sharma as the bowling coach and only the head coach is still to be identified.

“That’s when we had a brilliant brain wave. We were having filter coffee with Srini sir and discussing about elections and IPL. We were joking how Arnab Goswami has been attacking all the politicians. Srini sir then suggested wonderfully that we should ask Arnab to be the head coach!”

Aranab, as per the explanation from the spokesperson, meets all the requirements even though he is not known to have played professional cricket.

“That is of least relevance. See, he can comment and judge on any topic, though he is only known to be the noise maker anchor of a panel discussion on Times Now. But he demonstrates the most sought after aspect, aggression, of which he has a lot! See our fast bowlers, they get beaten all over the park. Have you ever seen Arnab beaten in any conversation? That’s what we need. Have you seen how he can keep rattling out questions without even waiting for answers? That will address another problem with MSD – the slow over rate while bowling. Have you seen how he strategically shifts attention (or the lack of it) between the different panelists in his show, to achieve the effect that he has asked everyone’s opinion but in the process, actually not giving anyone a chance to think about an answer? That should help in rotating the bowlers and having attacking field placements. Not to forget, the powerful mind games that he can play with his scathing remarks. The best part is, we need not worry if MSD will be ready to address the pre or post match press conference, or worry if we have to ask Ashwin to address the press. Arnab will take care of the job single-handedly. Imagine the face of foreign reporters when they try to ask him those tricky questions.. heheee…”

Asked as to when Arnab will take over the job, the spokesperson said “We have requested Arnab but he has not yet confirmed or not confirmed. Since he is not comfortable to be in the listening side of a question, he said he will revert after checking with his nation back in his home. We are hopeful.”

Apparently, the commentators have not said anything against the choice for the fear that Arnab will take on them next.

Captain MSD was not available as he had gone for a long bike ride. Vice captain Virat Kohli was not available as he had gone for a film ad shoot.