Here’s How The United States Has Fared At Every Past Summer Olympics (Spoiler: We Dominated)

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Dominating the Summer Olympics is as American as the right to bear arms, apple pie, and the right to bear apple pie. We always have crushed the competition, and we always will. Here’s a look back at all the United States Summer Olympic Teams’ past performances.

1896 – Athens, Greece: 11 Gold, 7 Silver, 2 Bronze – 1st overall

At the first ever modern Olympic Games, the U.S. finished 1st overall with 11 gold medals, narrowly edging out host country Greece. We finished 2nd overall in terms of total medals, but who cares about that? It’s all about the symbol Au, baby. We also managed to win our 20 medals with just 14 athletes competing. God, we’re incredible.

In what was an obviously rigged 1900 Paris Olympics, France ended up 1st overall with 26 gold medals. Despite the collusion and conspiracy, the good ol’ U.S. still managed to finish second with 19 gold medals. Pretty amazing given the circumstances (the French rigged the whole thing).

What is it with host countries rigging the Olympics? Do you really expect me to believe Great Britain got 33 more gold medals than us through sheer skill? Fat chance. The only things those tea cozies can beat America in are a wonky teeth competition and a war where they both vastly outnumber us and have way more resources than us. OH WAIT, THEY CAN’T EVEN DO THAT SECOND ONE. Looks like the United States is the only country that can host the Olympics and win by sheer skill and ability, not by fixing the whole thing. For shame, Brits.

Until these games, the U.S. was the only country to ever win an Olympics that it wasn’t hosting — and we did it 7 times. It was honestly getting unfair. That’s why we had to let someone else win. It’s pretty crazy that we weren’t even trying and we still got second. Pretty embarrassing stuff for the commies.

I count the 1992 Summer Olympics as a win for the U.S. The team that beat us in gold medals, “Unified Team,” representing the recently dissolved Soviet Union, effectively consisted of 12 separate countries — and they still only got 8 more gold medals than us. When you take that into account, who gives a shit about the end result? I’ll take 50 states over 12 countries any day.

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a writer and content manager for Total Frat Move and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin. He has been called the "Patron Saint of Butt Stuff" despite never having engaged in sexual activity of any nature until he turned 21, which he is still convinced is the minimum age at which you can legally have sex.