Saturday, April 28, 2012

Just stumbled upon this older news story about a RAD child in Utah.. You can see some of the information is already kind of out of date, but the story is interesting in any case, and I just thought you'd find it interesting. In any case, the use of animals in therapeutic ways is always widely agreed upon with supervision, as we all discussed before.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Well it has
been 2 weeks now since me and my RAD foster son’s had our respite and he came
back with a new outlook, thank God!
I just wanted to catch you all up on how it went.

I went to the other foster home to pick up my boy, and was
greeted with his bags in the living room. I greeted everyone merrily, feeling
rested and happy.

Before we could
leave I had to take a moment to do a thorough search of his luggage to make
sure he didn’t take anything from the nice foster home he came from. I do a search of his
backpack and pockets every time he leaves a sleepover or stay at Grandma’s or
other family members home. This is not new to him. He has stayed with my
brother and other family members before and time after time he came home with
things that did not belong to him which made it hard for me to ask again. “Could
you please watch him again? I know he took your cell phone. Sorry! But I could use a break.” So I find it much easier to do this
right up front and get it over with.
When I didn’t find anything I thanked him for being good and not taking anything.

So that went well and I felt like this was a good sign. Next
we were going to move all his things to the car but now he was going to test me
by saying very loud in front of the other foster parent, “who’s going to carry
my things to the car!”

I was kneeling
on the floor at the time repacking his things for him. I stood up and said in
my strongest voice “You are. OK?” and he did. No more questions. Nice.

So, home we went. He took his things down to his room and
put them away, and then I called a family meeting. It seemed like a good time
to re-establish the routine .

I had a copy of the house rules and chores and as they took their
chairs I told them “we are going over all the house rules and ever thing just
as if you this was the first day you came here so everyone will know what to expect
from me and what I will expect from you.”

They took turns reading the chore list and the house rules
then I answered any questions they had.
I pointed out the rules that they were breaking and why it was important
not to break them and that I was not going to put up with it any more.

Now you have to
remember, I am a foster parent. I did not adopt the children living in my home
and they are aware of other kids who had to leave because they were not able to
follow the rules of the house.

Now as we were going over all that and why the rules needed
to be followed my respite child’s head kept falling lower and lower. I think he
was putting two and two together and he knew he was not the only one who needs
the respite.

So, he said to me, “Dad,” he always calls me Dad when he
wants some thing or he’s happy,

“Yes.

“I’m sorry for how I was treating you. I don’t want you to
have to get mad at me or blow your whistle at me any more.”

So I said “You
are going to follow the rules of the house?”

“Yes I want to stay here!”

“Ok” I said to him, “I had a lot of time to think about everything
to and whether or not you were going to stay and you are asking for me to let
you try again?”

(Now for all of
you who don’t know this, this is at least his 200th time he’s ask
too start over. The
difference is this time his behavior is good enough to go somewhere else- other
than a hospital. )

I added, “We
keep on learning here, can you do that?”

“Yes” he said.

“Ok that is all I ask from you is you try, and that is all God
asks of us. He gives us chances over and over and I can try to do the same.”

Now he was still looking down so I added “I’m not mad at you and I never was, I
was just tired.”

Again he said he was sorry and the day starts new.

Since this child has an attachment disorder and I have had
him about three years, I wasn’t sure if I had made any progress with him. I
wasn’t really sure if I was just controlling and changing him with behavioral
modification or if he was changing because he was attached and was changing to
try to please me.

I heard from the other foster family how he would talk about
our family while he was gone.

He would talk
about all the fun things we did as a family and with just me (now I call these
things “anchors” because they hold the child home and gives them a reason for
staying with you or putting up with you and your rules.)

Now I feel like he has a reason to change and that was what
I was looking for. Amen Thank you God he has attached to
us. I haven’t even had to blow my
whistle at him yet.

So, the moral to this story… respite for your RAD child is
really a learning tool for everyone, especially if you’ve been working with
your RAD kid for a while. It’s not only an important break to take from a
difficult child, but it is also an important opportunity to test the attachment
and re-establish the importance of his family and home.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Although much of what I learned about Fostering kids has
come from God and experience, the books I read during my training was an
essential part of my foundation.I
am not sure if all Foster parent training is the same, or if adoptive parents
are aware of resources like this, but I wanted to share with all of you some of
the books I read during my training. Most of these deal with working with
children with histories of sexual abuse or other trauma.

I also included some information about the disciplinary
systems I reference, Love and Logic and 123 Magic.All these resources can be found on Amazon.com and I will
include them in our Amazon Books Links shortly, or just copy and paste them
into your browser to find them online.

Do you have books you would recommend other parents to
read?Please share your
recommended readings in the comments section!

The Fourteenth
Year - by Kelly Watt

Peter's Lullaby - by Jeanne Fowler

What Parents Need to Know - Help for Grieving and Traumatized Children
by William Steele

Monday, April 23, 2012

Taking a respite, well deserved, as we all know it would be,
is next too impossible when you have a RAD foster or adopted child. Not only is
it hard to find some angel on earth to take your RAD child, someone who will
put up with all the stuff your RAD kid will do, but getting your trust
disorder-ed kid to accept a respite without them losing it or freaking out and
making the time before they leave a living hell for you … well, it all seems
next to impossible.

This is how I did it. (With God’s help, of course…)

My foster son who has been diagnosed with attachment
disorder (or RAD) amongst other things is a teenager, but learning disabled
so, much younger mentally and maturity-wise. Two weeks before my planned respite, (oh, and believe me… I
had been planning it for a loooooong time…) whenever he’d break the house rules I would say to
him…” see, this is why I need a respite.” They have been “in the system” long
enough that all my foster kids understand the word “respite” means “break,” or
“vacation away.”

I know how much my kids love to use my words against me, so
it didn’t take long before I heard those words come from his lips. “Dad my brother has made me so mad that
I pushed him! He is getting too me
so much I Need a Respite!”

Now, with a slight smile on my face I ask, “So you need
respite hey? Why?”

He went on to explain what happened with his brother and why
he needed to take a break from him—a respite. I told him I understood, but he would still lose his dollar
for breaking the house rules, and that I would see about a respite for him.
(hee hee.)

I was able to
do this type of thing with him a number of times.

Respite for me
was 2 weeks away when his counselor asked me when I was going to tell him. “Not yet” I said, “it will be his
idea if it works out the way I want it to.”

She said she would be happy to work with him on it and to go
to the home with him and get him ready.

I said, “No thanks he knows the people where he will be
going already and I will do it the weekend before he goes if I have to, that
way I only have to deal with him for 2 days if he decides to throw a fit.”

I was hoping
that he would ask for respite one more time before that day would come and then
it happened, like a gift from God!

The kids got in to a fight and I went down to
intervene. First I found out how
it started and then I would deal with the outcome and all the house rules that
they broke that started the fight the first place.

By the time I was done hearing all about what he did and why
he did it, the magic words passed through his lips…

“ I Need Respite from this
family!”

I tried not to smile.

Now that was more then I could have ask for from God so I
thanked him under my breath and asked, “What did you say?”

He repeated it.
“I need respite from you Dad and every one in this family!”

I asked, “Why? Because I want you to follow the house rules
like everyone else?

He replied, “Yes those are your rules! I don’t need to listen
to you and your dumb rules!”

“O.K.,” I said, “Maybe you’re right, and you do need respite. You said that a number of times to me
before and you know I always listen to you and try to help you. (I couldn’t
help myself; I had to add that on! Ha) so I called the last time you said you
needed it and I think I have some one who may take you.”

I told him their names (another Foster family) I added, “ I
didn’t know that is what you wanted though…”

He said stubbornly, “Good! I can’t wait!” He was so happy he got his way he told
everyone how he was getting respite away from us because life with us was too
hard on him.

Overall, the experience had its ups and downs, and I will
write more about that later. It was a good opportunity to test out his
attachment to me and his brother, who is also in my home.

I learned a lot from the experience, both in how to get the
respite I needed (by making it HIS idea) and on how to test out the attachment
of a RAD kid. Most of all I
just wanted to share with you all that getting a break, a respite, from your
RAD kid IS possible… in spite of the odds against you… so DO IT! J
(just make it your kid’s idea!)

Friday, April 20, 2012

As I mentioned before, having House Rules posted benefits everyone in the home, foster kids, parents, visiting kids and other caregivers. Having very clear rules and consequences helps makes kids feel secure and makes supporting and enforcing the rules a family obligation. Favoritism is also avoided because the rules are clearly defined for everyone to see.

Along with the House Rules I have posted the Chores List, Allowance and Privileges and Disciplinary sheets. These forms are all mounted on the wall of my group Foster home (under Plexiglas of course, which is screwed to the wall) so that everyone knows exactly what to expect when they follow or break the rules. These sheets are updated as necessary, but I thought I would provide them here (and on our Facebook page for you to download and use if you'd like) as a guideline for you, or to inspire you to create your own. A place to start, you might say.

Again, please go to our Facebook Page to see the sheets larger or to download.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The following is part of a conversation that took place on
our Facebook page that we all agreed to share on the blog, and repost on
Facebook so the conversation could continue (as it started as a response to a
link to another article and then we all kind of got off topic!) As the purpose
of this blog and Facebook page is to help each other we wanted to make sure our
Blog pals got an opportunity to listen in on the conversation and join in if
they like…. This is by no means a way to end the conversation, but a way to
make it easier to continue it… I have taken the names off (except for our
responses) to maintain confidentiality onthe blog…

FPR= Foster Parent Rescue author

Other initials are members/friends

CJ:
(describing her RAD daughter’s history)

She has been with us for almost 3
years. While we have had problems all along, they have changed as her
circumstances have changed. When she came to us she was still having mandatory
visits with her birth parents twice weekly. During that time our focus was on
resolving her terrible nightmares, bed wetting, night terrors, eating disorder,
etc. She had a history of never having been told no about anything---absolutely
no limits, so her behavior was just wild.On the eating issue, she was unable at
4 years old to identify any fruit or vegetable, other than strawberries. She
was unable to chew meat even in tiny bites because she had never eaten it
before. She would eat--literally--only frozen waffles with syrup, sugar coated
cereal, candy, cookies and the like. When provided with "real" food,
she would gag and be unable to swallow it. She would starve herself rather than
eat unless she was given what she wanted, which was sweets. Once parental
rights were term'd and we didn't have to do visits, the bed wetting and some of
her negative behaviors began to improve. We had to hire a "monster
catcher" to come to our home and trap the monsters that caused her
nightmares. Slowly we saw improvement in all areas except eating. Now I do want
to say she TRIED to improve her eating. She really did make the effort. It
seems to be more that she just can't chew the food and swallow it. All medical
testing is negative for any physiological problem, so it's believed to be sensory
and her therapist suggests it's likely a result of oral abuse at some point.
Things were actually pretty smooth for about 6 months following finalization.
The eating problem and some minor behavioral problems were really the only
issue and we really thought we had gotten thru everything and all was good. She
continued to see her family therapist and the feeling was that she was
adjusting. Here's where we adults made a huge error. She asked us to please let
her stop therapy. We discussed it with our former social worker and with her
school teacher, as well as with the therapist. We came to the conclusion that
she was just sick and tired of talking about it all the time and was not going
to move forward until we allowed her to let it all go. So we stopped therapy.
The therapist did warn us that she would need to return to therapy at some
point, but that taking a break was probably ok since she was doing so
wonderfully. All was pretty well til a few months ago. I mean, we had some
issues with behavior and limits and the eating problem was there as always, she
would have the occasional outburst, etc. Everyone assured us that what we were
seeing was normal and not to freak out about it, so we didn't. She asked us
right around Christmas time if she could call her birth dad. That was a very
unusual request for her, so we called her former therapist. Went in for a
session to see if she could figure it out. After talking with her, she
determined that there was probably no ulterior motive and she was just needing
closure. This is good, right? So we let her call. Well, it didn't go well at
all. Although we had called in advance and set up ground rules, he did not
stick to them and we ended up terminating the call, which on the advise of the
therapist was on speaker phone and monitored by us. He made a reference to her
returning to live with him and told her that he was workin hard so he could
hire an attorney and get her back. Although we term;d the call, it was already
said at that point. She got very upset and for days asked us continually if
that was true that he could make her come back and live with him. We assured
her that no, she was our daughter and we will be her parents forever, she will
never go live with her birth parents and we will never allow them to come to
her home or be around her. She seemed satisfied with that, but we began seeing
massive increases in behavior and emotional issues. This is why we put her back
into therapy. The new psychiatrist says she should have been given a RAD
diagnosis three years ago because all of her records indicate the need for
that. We didn't know what RAD was til he said that, never heard of it, really.
Her former therapist has mentioned something about attachment problems, but
wasn't specific and she said she hesitated to label her with that, so let's
wait and see. So here we are now. I hope I am making sense!

My mouth dropped open when I read
that they let her talk to her father and all I could say was "What?"
I cant believe her counseler let her talk to her father when she is a child
with a trust disorder. That counselor destroyed years of work. We did similiar
things like that with letters.. never verbally, so I had full control over what
was being said and read. Unbelievable. I am glad you have a new counselor. No
wonder you are starting over. That is what you are dealing with now. Now she
has false hope, no matter how abusive he might have been to her, she might
somehow still want to be with him, somewhere in the back of her mind. So, now
you have to start all over! I feel so bad for you. But you can begin again. I
am doing the same thing but with a grandma, with letters, with native american
children who will eventually have to go back to thier tribe.... Just goes to
show you that counselors don't always know what is the best ... follow your own
instincts sometimes. In any case... you can do it... you just have to start all
over... begin to rebuild the trust. Thank God for the Angels that are coming to
your aide..... Hang in there Christy! We are hear to help!!

CJ: I can't wholly blame the
therapist because my husband and I agreed to let her call, too. Lesson learned,
but at our little one's expense. Lotsa guilt for mom and dad on that one, I
assure you. She still asks to call one or the other of her birth parents now
and then, but now we always sit down and ask her to think about why she feels
like she wants to call them. Usually it turns out that she really just wants to
call someone, not necessarily them. She's very, very bright and extremely
articulate and able to express what she's feeling. I feel like she knows what's
going on in her head and I know she wants to feel better, I just don't know how
to help her work thru it. I know everyone else feels the same way with their
kids. Your mention of letter writing gave me an idea. I wonder if we asked her
if she'd like to write her birth mom/dad a letter and tell them why she is
angry, how the hurt her, etc. if that would help her get it out there and on
the path to moving beyond it a little? Has anyone tried that or had any success
with anything similar?

Hi CJ, Diane here, (co blog author and art therapist) How old is your
daughter? I am not sure about the letter writing thing, maybe if she asks to
call, tell her to write down what she'd like to say in a letter and then burn
it or tie it to a balloon (I wrote a couple of books on art therapy and that is
something we did to rid ourselves of 'baggage') but also, if she is old enough,
maybe start her on an art-journal.. draw out her emotions in a sketch book..
sometimes can help kids who cant verballize their feelings or identify their
feelings easily. Have you heard of a Mandala? its basically drawing things in a
circle. The Mandala is a symbol for motherhood (okay, now it gets
complicated..lol) but anyway, a good activity for a control -kid. Draw a circle
and have her draw anything inside it. Scribble in it, then fill in areas.. a
good starter activity... something to do to help her express herself when she
can't otherwise.. just an idea....

PG: Bless your heart.......I
probally have said this but I talk about our daughter the most because her rad
is the most severe.....she used to write me notes all the time and at school in
her journal write how much she loved me but I knew it was all fake.......but
then there was the day that she told me she loved me and there was somthing
about it and I knew it was real......does she love me enough I don't think she
does but she does love me enough that she would be sad if she lost me......lol
one morning she got up and said last night I dreamed that you died and when I
woke up I had tears running down my face and I thought yes....she loves me
.....then after I dropped her off at school I got to thinking how did I die and
I thought did she kill me???? oh know...well thankfully I just fell over
dead...lol I am telling you these kids can heal....our 17 yr old has....yes we
still have issues but it's more like teen issues but more extreme....but I know
he's attached....lol he's threatening to do college by homeschool lol.....I am
posting this because I lose my post sometimes....lol

There are things that I wonder if
our kids will ever get over......but we do believe in the power and that has
gotten us to where we are today.....hang in there it does get better.......

oh about the drawing when Sarah used to draw pictures of our
family she was huge and we were little and they say that's because she felt
powerful now she draws us bigger....

JZ: Christy, our kids must be
identical twins, you have described my 8 year old RAD precisely. John, I'd love
any info you could give me on the introverted tantrums as that is mostly how
she copes with stress.

CJ: She turned 7 in February. I should
have been more clear about the letters! I was thinking as you
suggested...write, but don't send. Just allowing her some avenue to get it all
out, say what she wants without any fear of judgment. Perhaps suggest that she
is the only one who needs to even see them. I don't know...,I'm grasping at
straws, I guess. Even tho she is in counseling I feel like she isn't honest
even there. You can see it in her eyes and her expressions. LOL I like the art
journal idea. I think she would be very willing to do that and would actually
enjoy it. I know her former therapist used art therapy with her sometimes. Her
pictures were usually of her being chased by some kind of monster and my
husband being her rescuer or protector in some way. She rarely included me in
those types of pictures. If I was included, it was when she drew family
pictures and she always made me cooking or cleaning and even if I was stirring
a pot of food, I always had flowers in one hand. I just sent my hubby into town
to pick up a sketch pad for her and a new box of crayons. Fingers crossed!!!!

So, your husbands shopping list was
a whistle, crayons and a sketch book. LOL. funny. Interesting about the art:
Her drawing you in steriotyped ways is okay, it means she is idealizing the
woman role, the mother role, and that is okay for her right now as a child, she
is or was looking for the steriotype Mommy, and was drawing you in that role,
and Dad too, as the protector... all okay considering. If she is still drawing
pics of her being scared or running away from something, and dad is protecting
her, have dad draw with her, and ask him to draw a sword in her hand (or
whatever it is that he is using to protect her, a sword, a cloaking device, a
superpower, whatever) to help her feel more empowered and continue that with
each drawing, having Dad share his ability to protect her with her and then
eventually encourage her to draw her own ability to conquer the monster in her
drawings.

you might also want to draw pics
with her (next to her, not in her personal sketchbook, because you dont want to
invade her drawing, and take over her "control") Ask her to draw a
pic of you on Your sketch pad, then ask if you can add something to it. Add a
sword or whatever, again, whatever her monster fighter would need, a shield, or
a magic ring or something that would imply that Mom is Super Mom.... start
letting her see the woman as a more powerful and trustworthy role model.

PG:The more they start bonding the worse they get which could
explain part of the getting worse as they get older...plus I think the teen
attitudes are a lot more dramatic......

CJ: Ok, I am armed with a whistle and
even hid a spare! At great risk of sounding completely batty, I feel more in
control just knowing I have a whistle. Tomorrow we're going to discuss the
whistle and why we have it. Didn't want to bombard her with too much tonight as
we also gave her the sketch pad and crayons. She LOVES the idea, Diane! She did
two pictures tonight, one of grass, trees, flowers, butterflies.The other one
is of fish swimming in the ocean. Pretty normal stuff, I think. Should I
suggest that she draw pictures about how she feels, or just let her draw
whatever comes to mind on her own? If nothing else, the drawing really helped
keep her focused and calm. Thank you so much for your input, Diane! Patti; I
have wondered if part of this might be that she feels herself getting close, so
she intentionally throws a wrench in it. The more I read, the more confused I
get so I have stopped reading for now.

Foster
Parent Rescue : fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com I felt the same way
about the whistle. I really feel so much better just knowing I have it. It has
really reduced my own stress and burn out, and my RAD kid (the one who gets
whistled the most) just has to see it now and he pretty much quits his bad
behavior. LOVE IT.

Diane
Steinbach

I would tell her she can draw
whatever she likes, maybe some time draw with her (on your own paper mind
you... ) and tell her you are going to draw how you feel today... and approach
it like that... she may just mirror you, but that way she will understand the
idea of it, and then after a while see if she sticks with drawing on her own,
she may do it naturally when she is mad in her room (John just posted an
article on the introverted tantrum by the way). I think its good that she is
drawing the typical stuff, although again, it could just be what she sees as
typical from other kids, but it gets her used to using the materials,..after a
while see if she can do abstract stuff, (do the mandala thing) I will try to
post some instructions on the blog soon on that type of stuff. For now, just
let her do what comes naturally, but take the opportunity to follow her lead
and draw with her when you can or if she invites you to. Good bonding
opportunity.

The following is part of a conversation that took place on
our Facebook page that we all agreed to share on the blog, and repost on
Facebook so the conversation could continue (as it started as a response to a
link to another article and then we all kind of got off topic!) As the purpose
of this blog and Facebook page is to help each other we wanted to make sure our
Blog pals got an opportunity to listen in on the conversation and join in if
they like…. This is by no means a way to end the conversation, but a way to
make it easier to continue it… I have taken the names off (except for our
responses) to maintain confidentiality onthe blog…

FPR= Foster Parent Rescue author

Other initials are members/friends

FPR: I was wondering, does your
daughter tantrum in an introverted way (like, go to her room and destroy stuff)
or in an extroverted way (like, yell at you and call you names etc.) There are
different ways of dealing with her depending on which type she is. I am working
on a longer article on working with RAD kids right now, but I am wondering if I
cant help you, if you have any urgent questions or issues ... maybe I can help
or we can all brainstorm for you here.... please let us know....

CJ: Most often introverted. She
destroys mostly her own property, but has been known to retaliate by picking a
treasured item of mine and destroying it. I have learned not to tell her when
something is really special to me for that reason. She has never bothered
anything belonging to my husband, though. She does tend to be mean to pets and
we understand from communication with her former foster mom that this was a
problem at her home, too. She will occasionally throw a wing-dinger of a
tantrum, but she tends more to hold her emotions in. I can see when she's about
to have a problem because she will start gritting her teeth and grimacing. She
also clenches her fists right before she loses her cool. I'm just learning to
watch for these signs and really pay attention so I can try to help her cope
with whatever the issue is. She is very often a sweet little girl and each time
she has an outburst is still shocks me like it did the first time. Do you ever
get used to it????? She rarely has any serious problems at school or when she's
visiting someone's home, either. In fact, people in our own extended family
often think we're exaggerating when we describe some of her behaviors. One of
the biggest challenges for me is that no punishment or repercussion we give has
any effect whatsoever. We've tried numerous reward systems, grounding, removal
of possessions, time out, treats....you name it, we've done it. Nothing works
at all. She just continues to repeat the same behaviors over and over. She will
also look you straight in the eye and just bold-faced lie about anything. Then
she gets offended when you don't buy into it. She steals and honestly just
doesn't seem to "get" that she can't do that. She steals from
friends, from school, from me, etc. We just began seeing a new psychiatrist and
I am so hopeful it's going to help! He has a lot of experience with RAD kids.
She is also just starting Occupational Therapy and is still undergoing
evaluation for that. The reason we initiated a request for OT was for an eating
disorder which our pediatrician felt is likely sensory and may well be related
to very early, oral abuse. (She denies any memory of this, tho.) Any
suggestions, advice or help is GREATLY appreciated. I am definitely not a
quitter and am determined to get her thru this and on her way to being a
healthy, happy little girl!

CC: Oh sweetheart...you just recited
my life to a "T". Only this year my child has beagun acting out at
school by bullying other children. Most of the time she seems to not realize
cause and effect of things or that there are consequences. Or just doesn't
care. My family and in laws think that we are overly strict with her and that
we exagerrate her behavior. I have 3 soon to be 4 other small children that she
gets very rough with instead of pets. We have started the level or step program
with her and it is difficult to tell if it works because as you know...nothing
seems to. If she breaks a rule of some sort or cannot behave at school she
moves down a level until she is at level one..which is no privilages. She of
course can earn them back but it is all up to her. This is a great link as
well...http://busymommykelly.blogspot.com/.
Good luck. Know that you a never alone...we are all fighting the battle right
along with you.

CJ:How old is your daughter? Mine just turned 7. Since I am
really just beginning to learn much about RAD and ODD, I'm wondering if
problems seems to increase as the child gets older or is that just dependent on
each child?

So, CJ, Congrats, you definitley
have a RAD child! Introverted children like yours are trying to control the
situation. When you see her clenching her teeth and making fists etc, you are
seeing her reacting to her "triggers." you should write her triggers
down. These are important to let the Psychiatrist know so that he or she can
purposefully trigger her to help her work through them. Re: your daughter
behaving well in other situations and other peoples home.. that is typical too.
It just goes to show you that she actually sees you as a caregiver and cares
about you in some way.. See how special you are? She only destroys YOUR stuff!
lol. I have a fortress of my own stuff as well. The reason she messes up your
stuff is to make you mad, that means that she is in control of you, which makes
her feel comfortable. To give you some advice: never let her control you.
Always act like what she does does not upset you. So, as far as when you need
to punish her, simply isolate your attention from her. If you can do Love and
Logic first or 123 Magic good (check out the Tantrums and Trust Disorders:
Doorways to a Better Relationship blog article) otherwise, ignore her and
isolate her from your attention, until she asks you what is wrong, and then
calmly explain to her what she did was wrong etc. ( This is when having the
house rules also help)

Foster
Parent Rescue : fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com Oh, and all RAD kids
lie. That's why I have cameras in my house. They lie because they want to be in
control. They hate it when i show them themselves on my cameras and confront
them with the truth of their behaviors. Those cameras have really helped me out
in my house with multiple RAD kids!

Foster
Parent Rescue : fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com PS. Just because you
have to hold in your emotional response from your RAD child, doesnt mean you
dont have to vent it somehow or in someway ... be sure to talk to friends,
spouse, or pray.. that is what gets me through it!

CC ;She is turning 10 in a few weeks. She seems to have
gotten a little worse as she ages. The case worker said that about age 10 or
closer to puberty usually sets things in motion... and yes all RAD kids lie.
Amen to that.

CC: You know what...any input helps. I
appreciate the open communication line here. If we didn't have a place where we
could go and vent without judgement, I am not sure what would happen. It helps
to know that other parents are going through the same thing and that I am not
alone nor am I the worst parent on the block. : )

PG:our kids do both.....but
have come a long ways....we have moments instead of all the time....
can't wait to read your article

CJ: All great advice! Thank you! I do
try very hard to not lose my own cool in front of her, no matter how upset I
am. I think she can sense it, tho even when I don't react. She gets this little
smirk on her face, like she knows she got to me. It just amazes me that a child
so young is so savvy! When she is having a good day she is very able to express
how she's feeling. She openly discusses her anger at her birth parents, as well
as at the grandmother who had her for 8 months and then had her taken away from
her. All I know to say to her is that it's ok to be mad, she has every right to
be and let her know that I would be mad, too. Then I try to help her find a
better way to show us how angry she feels. She just doesn't seem to be able to use
those tools even tho we've gone thru that each and every time she's had a bad
day. Today she called me from school to tell me she misses me and loves me.
When she got home, she wrote me a very special and very sweet letter and drew
hearts all over it. It's when she does those things that I feel all lit from
within and have such high hopes that we're conquering this together and she's
going to be ok. Then I read more and everything says that these kids aren't
capable of really feeling those emotions and what we see is all her mirroring
whats he see's others do, but doesn't really feel herself. Is that really true
or do others see real love and genuine affection from their RAD kids? I'm
confused and don't really know what to think about it now! I kind of just feel
thankful, period that she's showing those emotions, even if all it is really is
mirroring. If she's mirroring, she's learning, right? So another question, if
you all don't mind......how effective is praise for these kids? I try to praise
every, single positive thing she does and so does my husband. Does that have an
impact for them at all? I have very quickly learned that absolutely NOTHING
that I learned while raising my older children works with this one. I apologize
for my lengthy posts and my endless questions. I'm just so grateful to have all
of you to learn from that I tend to jump in with both feet! LOL

CJ:, Just remember you are like a
big lake to her and she love throwing rocks in it to see how big of a splash
she can make. So do what I do, never let you be the one who is telling her what
she did wrong. I use the house rules for that ( which I am updating on the blog
today, by the way) and I always say to them “I’m so sorry that I have to do
this I don’t like having to make sure ever one is treated the same, but as your
[mother] I have to honey. I love you but you know what the consequences are, so
can you just do them I will leave you now and let you figure out what you want
to do Love you!” then walk away and go to your room and yell or hit some thing.
what ever you have to do before you get down there. Now if she is following the
rules good for you, if not I don’t know. If you laid the foundation stones your
daughter has probably accepted the consequences. So, if she isn’t accepting the
consequences and is argueing with you, you might want to try the Blowing the
Whistle technique. (This is a GREAT technique which will stop her from being
able to trip your triggers!)

Good luck and I would always ask God for help before I deal with my kids and he
has sent me Angels to help me out went I get do any more.

Re: Mirroring, Yes, she is, I call it Parroting. Remember, she is a control
freak. I have found it has taken a minimum of up to three years for these kids
to actually start becoming attached. You are doing a great job though listening
to her stories, and you need to start taking these stories away from her… like
I talk about in the blog posting about Tantruming… so, when she starts the
story, you cut her off and you finish it for her. Eventually, when she knows
you know all the stories, she won’t feel the need to tell them anymore.

Re: Praising. It Does work. But its like dirt on roots of a plant. It is
holding the plant solid on the ground. Don’t ever stop praising her, because
you are creating a foundation and you will see the outcome eventually.

How long have you had this child? You may be asking too much of yourself for
right now!

CJ:I read about the whistle technique yesterday and
discussed it with my hubby last night. We're going to get a whistle today
and give it a try!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I previously discussed the importance of house rules in my blog posting titled: Importance of House Rules/Chore Lists for kids with Trust Disorders and RAD posted on March 28th 2012. The last thing on the rules list was that it could be updated and changed at anytime, and indeed, it has! As my foster group home has had kids with multiple issues and diagnosis, their behavior dictates constant updating and tweaking of the house rules. Remember, the house rules are VITAL in allowing your kids to feel safe and secure in the home. Knowing what behavior is acceptable and expected is comforting to RAD kids, and really, any child.

Like many children who come through a foster care system, I have had many, many children who have been sexually abused in some way, or have, themselves, been the abuser. (We all know, even in the youngest children, without even knowing it, if they have been abused, they may act out in predatory ways.) Hence, some updated rules on my house rules list that I recommend be incorporated on every one's list as a general rule. The new rules are 13- 15 on the sheet:

13. No sitting next to each other on the couch or
being under a blanket together, you must always be able to be seen.

14. No grabbing or holding any other children when
playing a game or any other time or reason.

15. No taking revenge on other kids for any
reason.

As I explained to my own kids, grabbing or horseplay can lead to more aggressive and inappropriate touching that neither child may really even want to do. They may feel pressured to continue with it however, because they want to please the other child-- their foster sibling and playmate-- who may also not really want to continue but does so because this is what they know. The house rules give the children an easy Out. They can discontinue the risky behavior and avoid the situation by using the house rules to stop the action without the risk of injuring the relationship with the other child. The house rules can be the safety net the child needs to get out of the uncomfortable situation that may have developed inadvertently.

Please check out our Facebook Page where we will post the actual House Rule sheets that we hang on the wall, so you can download and hang them in your own home.

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