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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Beautiful Heartbreak

When I was diagnosed with infertility in August of 2011, my world seemed to come crashing down. It was on that day, August 17th, that I found fear knocking on my front door.
I spent those first two months crying most of the time and shutting myself off from my friends and family. I didn't know how to be around anyone without feeling so incredibly awkward.

My mom, sisters and I headed off to Time Out for Women after one of my really hard weeks. {I blogged about that here.} I wasn't sure what I would get out of it. I wasn't sure I wanted to be there and have to see people and fake a smile.

It was at that conference, in November of 2011, that I heard Hilary Week's new song, Beautiful Heartbreak. I remember watching the video and sobbing uncontrollably next to my sister. I had already learned about the beauty of infertility. The friendships I made, the empathy and compassion I learned---in only two months, although I was struggling so much and prayed daily for another child, I knew deep down in my heart that my trial was filled with so much beauty.

Beautiful heartbreak.

Those words would genuinely become my mantra for the next 3+ years.

As each trial would hit {oddly enough it was every August for three years straight}, I would go through a period of grieving and pain but almost immediately, I could also pick out the beauty involved.

I would listen to that Hilary Weeks song on repeat, laying in bed, feeling so heartbroken and alone. I would pray that God would show me a glimpse of the beauty ahead and each time, He would. Sometimes there was so much beauty that it confused me.

I thought going through a divorce couldn't involve so much beauty mixed in with the heartache. But it could and it did.

For the past few years, my sisters and I have been trying to find a feasible way to record a cd for my parents. My mom had asked for one in the past but between finances and time, we couldn't make it happen.

This year, we decided to push forward and make it happen. At times, it didn't seem like we would get it done. It took a while to find a studio within our budget and since we have a sister who lives in Virginia, scheduling was a little tricky.

But we did it. We each recorded a solo, a duet with a sister, and 2 songs with all four of us---and a bonus track of a song we sang with my brother.

The day I went in to record all of my songs, I wasn't really that nervous. I felt good about the song I had picked and was excited to sing the other songs I'd be recording.

The first song went well. The second, third, and fourth songs I recorded went well. And then it was time for my solo. I had practiced for weeks and knew I could do it well but the second I got in the booth, my heart started pounding. I don't think it was really nerves---just emotions. I knew this song was perfect for me. I had known that for years. I wanted it to be perfectly sung but instead, it was perfectly felt.

Every time I listen to it, I remember what it felt like to sing it that day. It means so much to me to have this recording forever. It means so much to me to have the entire cd of recordings. They are all beautiful.

But this one contains more than beauty. It represents a huge part of my journey.

And although my journey is far from over, I am grateful for the beauty I have been able to witness in my life up to this point.