Technology

02/16/2013

Over the years, I have contemplated Armageddon hundreds of times. Not in a how do I achieve it sort of way, but more along the lines of what happens when civilization breaks down and the ants – or worse, the programming department at MTV – take over.

Pop culture has prepared me for a worst-case scenario, normally to the sound of a power ballad and the sight of some last heroic act of defiance. With the destruction of most of the planet the natural consequence of this anticipated disaster, a plucky band of survivors sets out to rebuild society, while fighting off zombies or Republicans.

This is, of course, utter bobbins. Probably because most people would treat the decline of Western civilization as a chance to feather their own nest – genetic mutation! – and get on with their lives in some self-serving way that they had before the asteroid/alien attack/zombies had even been predicted by the small group of intellectuals that monitor such events.

There is also the concept that humanity is only three meals away from anarchy (probably thought up by a deep thinker such as Marx, Nietzsche or Plato). Deprive human beings of food and we revert back to a version of Homo sapiens that used clubs as a way of making their point.

Sadly, even the three-meal theory goes out the window in our 21st century dystopia.

How do I know this? Because I watched it happen. And it had nothing to do with food, and everything to do with mobile devices.

Perhaps I should explain. I live in a tiny town about 45 minutes south of Boston, inhabited by a significant proportion of the one-percent and their ever-growing brood of potential venture capitalists.

Most of them are great people, living the American Dream in a community that exists in a strange state of being connected to the outside world and yet seemingly isolated from the misery of the modern world.

Put it this way, I don’t lock my car at night – although that could be because I want somebody to nick it!

Anyway, I digress. On February 9, my little town of Eastwick/Dobbs Mill (the name has been changed to protect the soccer moms and little leaguers) got hit with a snowstorm.

Nothing unusual about that, it’s the Northeast of the U.S., winters can be harsh and most people in the town spend their weekends skiing anyway.

Snowpocalypse shuts down small town

For anyone that doesn’t live on the East Coast of the U.S., the blizzard – inexplicably called ‘Nemo’ by The Weather Channel - that hit us that Friday night is probably filed away under the category of “whatever.” After all, if you live in New Orleans or in Los Angeles, then big loads of snow are less interesting than hurricanes, earthquakes or wildfires.

Roads were shut, plows came out and the area descended into darkness. The pub stopped serving at around 10 and the inhabitants either went to bed or got in their SUVS and drove into Boston. For those of us that couldn’t afford to stay in a hotel, we just put some extra clothes on and went to sleep, naively believing that this America in the 21st century and that the power would be back sooner rather than later.

To cut a long story short, it wasn’t. For most of us, it didn’t come back until nearly three days later, although there were some surrounding towns that either lost nothing or spent several days huddled around a hastily purchased generator.

“Eastwick” officials, in their infinite wisdom, decided that providing some sort of emergency shelter was probably a good idea, mainly for the elderly and families whose entertainment systems had shut down. One presumes that this was all part of a well-thought out disaster plan, a scenario that had been discussed at length in the hallowed corridors of the local town hall.

To be fair, it was a good idea. It gave people somewhere to go, hot meals and coffee (saving us from the possibility of anarchy) and, the rumor was, it would have a Mobile Device Charging Point. The important thing to remember is that they never said that it would have lots of charging points…just one.

Anyone following my trail of breadcrumbs may have realized where the problem was going to lie in this plan.

Humanity can’t survive without mobile phones. To be fair, it seems that we also can’t survive without iPads, iPhones, laptops and mobile gaming systems. One charging point was always going to be subject to an undignified display of territorial pissing.

However, once again, the organizers of the “warming center” had thought of this. Yes, it was one point, but it had numerous power strips all connected to a central electrical outlet. More than enough, one would think for everyone to obey the simple 45-minute charging rule that was written in black ink on a sheet of A3 stuck to the wall.

There are no prizes for guessing that it wasn’t.

When I got there – having run my Windows phone down to it’s bare bones – the MDCP was covered in phones, tablets and laptops. Small children could be heard asking when their iPad would be ready, harassed parents spent their time trying to pretend that they weren’t breaking the 45-minute rule while unplugging any device that had a charger obstructing their access to a socket.

If it wasn’t anarchy, it was a fairly good impression. Mobile devices were charged, swapped around, delivered to small child – despite the fact that we were in a school, hence there were books to read! – and then the whole process would start again.

And in the middle of all this apparent chaos, a group of senior citizens sat quietly in their deck chairs and did something unusual…they engaged in conversation. Not one of them made their way to the MDCP, keeping warm was more important, a priority that seemed to be secondary to the younger residents of “Dobbs Mill,” most of whom wanted to know why they couldn’t use Facebook or play Angry Birds.

Three meals from anarchy? Try three hours with no mobile device…the decline of Western civilization is well and truly underway. And it took a blizzard in New England to make me realize that humanity may not be up to the challenge.

08/26/2011

These days, one never knows when an earthquake, hailstorm, hurricane, meteorite or swarm of locusts could hit your neighborhood. Now there’s a comfortable, semi-breathable, partially waterproof suit you can don any day of the year, “just in case”…

Style ripped off from the fashionable Famolare 4-wave heel designed of the 1970s.

Seismic building technology developed by unpaid interns studying Internet diagrams.

Shock aborber "wave" technology able to withstand shaking amplitude of 3.1. *Remember, in a declared state of emergency, follow instructions from government officials. In all other instances, follow TMG instead.

07/22/2011

Do you feel tied to your air-conditioning unit? Tired of being housebound on hot days? Afraid to show your embarrassing sweat stains in public?

Now you can have the cooling comfort of your trusty window unit in a walking suit of armor.

The iSpa(model Z) is a liquid circulating full body-enclosing mobile cooling chamber. The wireless unit is powered by a small, (corn-produced) ethanol-burning, backpack-mounted (like a gas-powered leaf blower) engine (even smaller than the motor used in a Toyota Prius).

The hooded neoprene full-body suite is shaped similar to a beer keg (basically, you look like an unencumbered walking root beer barrel). You not only stay cool, the iSpa allows normal human interaction, thanks to a sophisticated stereophonic audio system and a non-fogging helmet lens. Concerned about backing into something? Fear not, the updated Model X has state-of-the-art electronic back-up sensors, built right in.

Vonko admits that there was a slight problem with earlier models. There was the whole leaking (actually spraying*) issue and the dispersed odor that to some, smelled like a Cineplex concession stand.

The KwikKool iSpa Model Z can be yours for just three payments of $19.99. Send your first payment via cash or Western Union to Vonko c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. Don’t delay!

*picture a 6’ tall, inner-city fire hydrant on a scorching city street, that has been opened up as a sprinkler.

Scientist have recently made major strides in developing a self-sustaining single point, raster pixel, that is both green and recyclable. “We totally appreciate green from an environmental and financial standpoint but our audience insists on pixel color variety,” added York, raising a half-filled highball glass containing an amber liquid and crimson maraschino cherry.

“If we were crafting an article regarding sod growth, Peter Pan, or Green Bay Packers, green pixels would be quite acceptable,” stated TMG graphic designer, Clem Clintons. “I would rather conserve the R(red) and B(blue) pixels by well-calculated, pinpoint placement rather than flooding the screen with too much G(green),” Clem added.

Mr. Benchley also announced that Tiny Mind Gazette email notifications would cease to those individuals who have not manually subscribed to the ‘TMG feed’ located in the upper right corner of the publication. If you are a current TMG email recipient, please go to the TMG site and reregister by clicking on the link demonstrated below. “We are not going to waste our dwindling pixel reserves on emails that wallow in recipients inbox and junk mail folders.”

Better yet, click on the BIG RED BUTTON below and you will be on the road to success!

04/08/2011

A 72-year-old Wapatusset resident accidentally shut down the Internet in southeastern Massachusetts for several hours yesterday when he sliced through a fiber optic cable while digging for quahogs.

Scrim Shaw, amateur naturalist known for his Yankee thrift, was foraging for his afternoon meal in the mudflats near Weasel Dam. Equipped with a spade, lunch pail and his trusty metal detector, Mr. Shaw was digging in his usual spot when he hit an “unusual object.” Suspecting it was either “a petrified eel or a submarine telegraph cable,” he dug deeper to investigate.

Nearly all of southeast Massachusetts was without Internet access for a period ranging from two to 12 hours. “Scrim,” as the locals call him, was questioned by police chief Liam O’Liam and charged with destruction of communications equipment and as well as disrupting the ecosystem in the (already politically contentious) wetlands area. After one night in jail, he was temporarily released due to his old age and in consideration of his peculiar dietary requirements.

03/06/2011

Having thoroughly enjoyed yesterday’s National Day of Unplugging at Wapatusset Farms (see "Get Your Amish On"), the folks at TMG have decided to extend their vows for a few more days. (Plus, it’s taking longer than anticipated for the fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls to deliver the hand-cranked letterpress tabloids.)

Unbathed and unshaven, staff members say unplugged feels pretty darn good and want to spread the word.

Inspired by a new line of newfangled products by Reboot—including cell phone sleeping bags and phonekerchiefs(made with silver fibers that block incoming calls and texts), and a smartphone app that, ironically, alerts plugged-in friends to let them know that you’re unplugging—TMG product designers have come up with some ingenious anti-tech solutions of their own:

Smartphone Satchel

This handsome black burlap tote has six traditional buttons, a complicated hook-and-eye closure, and a pair of suspender clasps. Once a smartphone is securely stowed inside, it takes even the most dexterous set of teenage fingers at least three-and-a-half minutes to get to a text or phone call.

Blackberry Bonnet

Designed for women who need both hands free to cook, clean, till the soil, and work day and night for the ungrateful men around them. Tuck your Blackberry or iPhone discreetly into the bonnet pouch atop your braided bun. Comes in choice of white or black, with straight pins or snaps (zippers not available).

Burlap Bloomers

Trade in your teen’s or spouse’s modern undergarments for some of our handmade, heavy-weight garb, and there’s no chance they’ll ever end up in one of those “sexting” controversies on the six o’clock news. Bloomers, boxers, petticoats and camisoles available in worsted wool, goat skin, and insulated burlap.

Tin-Can Phone & Carrying Case

Make a statement with this low-tech throwback. Wear it tossed over your shoulder or tuck it safely in our binocular bag-style tote.

Place orders in Comments bar below. Allow 2-3 weeks for delivery by carrier pigeon or seagull; 6-8 months via horse and buggy (sorry, we only have one).

03/04/2011

We’re sure you are all aware that the 2nd annual National Day of Unplugging runs from sundown Friday, March 4 to sundown on Saturday, March 5. Many progressive organizations, religious zealots, Mother Jones readers and hemp underwear-clad friends may be urging you to disconnect from the Internet and reconnect with dysfunctional family members and the world around you.

At TMG, we’re going beyond the clichéd “unplug and recharge” and turning the 21st century on its head. For one weekend only, we’ll be publishing from the dilapidated 18th century barn behind Scrim Shaw’s ramshackle (mobile) homestead in Wapatusset Farms. Our publisher is reaching back to his Pennsylvania roots and wearing his favorite traditional garb while ordering writers, editors and the staff of unpaid interns to churn butter, spin yarn and work the makeshift letterpress while his trusty dog treads the waterwheel to conduct electricity.

Tiny Mind Gazette will also be broadcasting via short-wave radio for those who find it hard to go cold turkey to print alone. A fleet of carrier pigeons and rehabilitated seagulls from the Coastal Institute are on standby to deliver breaking news to doorsteps throughout the 50 contiguous states, weather permitting.

Ten-day forecasts for regions throughout most of the United States call for colder than normal temperatures, icy conditions, Arctic blasts, depressingly grey skies, freezing rain, and everyone’s favorite: “wintry mix.” All this, combined with dirty snow banks and depression that lasts more the seven days, is sending some completely over the edge. Before you reach for the bottle or the Ben & Jerry’s, get your hands on a Happy Helmet. Express shipping available; underpaid customer service reps are working overtime to take your orders!

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.” – Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.” – Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.

02/24/2011

Our invitation to an exclusive unveiling of the iPad 2 suggests the much-lauded and highly anticipated device will primarily be a huge red and white calendar that can be peeled away each day to reveal the iPad underneath.

It's an odd design choice not even David Pogue could have predicted. Something certainly seems amiss at Apple, but we'll just have to roll with it (and so will you).

As we count the days before we crank the engine on our Lear jet, perhaps you'll help us ponder the following items:

Is iCal poised to become the first application to ever work OUTSIDE the bounds of a device?

Will the packaging include individual screen stickers for each day of the year?

Will the stickers simply appear on the screen each day at midnight?

Does Apple have an eco-friendly plan for the disposal of such stickers? With potential customers in the millions, they will certainly pose a threat to the environment.

Will the stickers automatically display calendar events?

Will the stickers be hearty enough to act as screen protectors?

Will we be able to see through the stickers so that we can use the iPad while staring around a large black number?

Only time will tell, but if you have any ideas, assumptions, or actual knowledge of iPad's next iteration, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you.

02/11/2011

It's the end of the work week; a time for those inconsiderate strangers to use up their rollover minutes in the hammer lane, the mall parking lot, and even through three red lights just to keep you on your driving toes. A time to use those defensive driver skills you learned with Mr. Hamm in 10th grade Driver's Ed.

Thoughtless drivers don't need a season to celebrate their blessing on humanity. Here are some thoughtful gifts for the aggressive driver who has everything:

2. Mental Turn Signal Transmitter: For those amazing Kreskins of the highway who nudge over into your lane without warning and assume you saw their wheels slinking to the left. The microcomputer on this skull-tight skullcap reads the driver's intentions and signals for them.

3. Merge App for the GPS: Announces that a turn signal would be nice instead of riding the shoulder when racing along in the merge lane to pass others who thoughtfully got into the other lane two miles prior to the merge.

4. Laser-Guided Following Distance Measuring Tool: Calibrated to the proper stopping distance; activates an air-raid-quality horn inside car to remind driver that stopping on a "dime," not stopping "within a dime's distance," is the rule of thumb.

5. Motion-Activated Jesus on the Dash: Detects distraction due to driver cell phone usage or heads turned to discuss the latest sales at Dollar Tree with the passenger and announces "Eyes on the road, my child!"

6. Time Out Driving Mentor: Keeps track of non-use of turn signals, tailgating, and "California stops." After three violations, gently guides the culprit's car to the road shoulder for a ten minute "time out."

7. Red Light/Right Turn/Wait Windshield Flag: This spring-loaded beauty pops up to cover the aggressive driver's windshield when he/she attempts to turn right on red and cut off other cars traveling through green lights in cross-traffic.

And while you're at it, buy a couple of nifty sympathy gifts for yourself!

The rear mounted horn, for that aggressive driver who is following too close.

Fluorescent obscenity signs in ten different languages. Perfect for Grandma and the kids to hold up in the back seat. No need to keep them out of the fun.

Law of Gross Tonnage Magnets for the side of your car. They're stylish. They're fun! ...and they let everyone know that "He who has the biggest vehicle goes first!"