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How to deal with "hate" ?

First I’m not sure if this is the right section of this forum, if not Iain please move it in to appropriate section if you can.

So I have started few months ago to build up our Youtube channel, thanks to you guys we have a bit of the traction and getting subscribers. My blog is not doing bad either and staidly growing, I have noticed that with the exposure I get few emails and messages, how wrong I’m about my way of doing Karate and my opinions about all sorts of topics. To be honest I thought that it will not get me at all. But more I get this type of messages the more frustrated I get. Not angry but maybe bit anxious that people do not see or even try to see my point of view. It seems to be that some are on the mission to force me to do the one and only true style x,y,z of karate.

I understand that I’m a very small fish in the sea of youtube, and I cannot imagine how much messages people like Iain get through their email and other media.

So my question is how do you deal with it? I don’t mean constructive criticism but random abuse from people who have different opinion. It’s not long since I get messages like that, do I get used to it with time and just let go or it will always get me?

Looking forward to reading how you all dealing with that sort of situations.

Having also received my share of "hate mail", I remember being told once that if they are bothered enough to message you; then your opinion must matter enough for them to try and change it! In that sense, the hate mail can be used as a marker to your level of influence you are currently having :). If you have no influence no one would bother to try and change your mind!

My instructor and I have gotten a good bit of hate for things we have posted--our favorite is still someone in our own organization making a new YouTube account just to rant at us for "dishonoring the honbu dojo," and saying that they were going to tell Nakazato Sensei on it. We found that to be hilarious! In any case, I can admit that most of it is not so amusing, but I try not to get too wound up by it. For the most part, I put on my customer service hat (I work in IT as my day job, so that is a key component of what I do) and respond politely, and address their points as if they were not being vitriolic or stubborn. Usually, they don't respond after that. Sometimes, I get more irritated than I realize, and my wording isn't ideal, so they continue reponding and trying to pick apart my statements, at which point I simply stop responding after I have said my piece. It doesn't do me any good to continue an argument that I know isn't going to change their mind, and anyone else reading through can see my responses and judge it for themselves.

As Leigh says, I think it's important to remember that the hateful messages we get are actually a good sign. For one thing, it is in indicator that we are having an impact. More importantly, to my mind, it makes sure that we are not existing within an echo chamber that just tells us that what we have shown is good. Even within hateful comments, there are sometimes helpful bits of information--if not for your training, than perhaps for your presentation. I know there have been times where people ripped on us for doing or not doing something in our training, when in reality it was just a matter of how it was shown in the video for demonstration purposes, but it was good to know that perception was there, so we could address it going forward.

Take strength from the wise words of the ancient Greek philosopher Anonymous, who said: Οι μισητές θα μισούν That roughly translates into "haters gonna hate." Be thankfull that the "hate" you receive isn't of the level pointed at the visiting goalie (named Murray) ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uGwAiCeNqc

The internet is a wonderful medium for the exchange of information, but it is also terribly good at letting petty people with nothing better to do or say throw insults needlessly at anyone who tries to build something good and useful on the internet.

If you were the recipient of constructive crtiticsm, you'd probably (hopefully) be grateful for it so it can help you become even better at what you do. Whether you ultimately agree or disagree with what is said, you can appreciate the intent behind it of offering a different approach or theory, in hopes of getting closer to the truth.

If, on the other hand, you were to receive criticism from people whose sole motive is to belittle what you do, to demean or insult you, to puff themselves up by trying to knock you down, who offer nothing towards a discussion or improvements, who offer no real demonstration of any "knowledge" they have that might back up their disdain ... to me their comments are worthless, or worse. Let's face it, the couch potato who has never done a pushup in his life ... let alone getting off the couch and joining a dojo and learning even one kata ... can still waddle to the computer and post a comment like (edited for content) "you are lousy; this would never work. A ninja would kick your butt in ten seconds flat."

Worthless opinions should have no influence over you. Seek instead the opinions of those whom you trust and respect, including constructive criticism and suggestions for improvements; it is from those people that you will a truse sense of how your efforts are progressing.

I have noticed that with the exposure I get few emails and messages, how wrong I’m about my way of doing Karate and my opinions about all sorts of topics. To be honest I thought that it will not get me at all. But more I get this type of messages the more frustrated I get. Not angry but maybe bit anxious that people do not see or even try to see my point of view.

You’ll always get that. Some aren’t interested in understanding your point of view, they just want to dogmatically assert the “superiority” of their view (because they feel threatened by “dissenters”) without engaging in meaningful discussion. No point in talking to such people.

As the saying goes, “Don’t wrestle with a pig … you just end up covered in shit and the pig likes it” :-)

Discussions where people disagree, but are nevertheless seeking to understand the alternative position and explain their own thinking in light of that understanding, are beneficial for all involved.

However, people telling you they are right “just because” while they don’t have a coherent counterargument can be safely ignored. It’s a waste of your time … but it’s nevertheless a sign they consider you of influence and importance, so that’s a positive.

Les Bubka wrote:

It seems to be that some are on the mission to force me to do the one and only true style x,y,z of karate.

It’s dogma over content. It’s a sign they are too invested in a belief to have it be challenged, and yet they are so unsure of the belief deep-down that they refuse to dispassionately look at the objective merit of their beliefs. The truth does not fear dissent and challenge because it can withstand it. Indeed, it is bolstered by that challenge.

Les Bubka wrote:

I cannot imagine how much messages people like Iain get through their email and other media.

Loads. Most of it is people positively trying to understand my viewpoint through legitimate questions and counterargument. That’s always worth engaging with. Sometimes it just people seeking the “thrill” of argument through insults and content free derogatory remarks (they are ignored). Sometimes it is people angry that I dare to think differently to them (or their “master”) because they are so emotionally invested in an idea that logic and evidence no longer matter. They are also ignored once it is apparent that the case. It's a waste of precious time.

Les Bubka wrote:

So my question is how do you deal with it? I don’t mean constructive criticism but random abuse from people who have different opinion. It’s not long since I get messages like that, do I get used to it with time and just let go or it will always get me?

You just ignore it and remember it tells you all you need to know about them. This is not the legitimate critique of people who objectively hold alternative views. This is an illogical and emotional reaction from people who see the legitimacy of your points and feel threaten by them, but can’t admit that to themselves and who don’t have the legitimate counterpoints needed for meaningful discussion.

In short, they are a pig covered in shit who wants to wrestle :-) Trot on piggy. Go find someone else to wrestle with.

One of my teachers called this “masterful inactivity” and it’s a great way to deal with all kinds of difficult people. They want a meaningless argument for the “thrill” it gives and the mistaken assumption that merely trading words gives their potion merit. Just ignore them

Like everything, the more you do it, the better you get at it. When I first went “public” with my first book in 2000, every insult felt like a gut punch. This is something I believed in, and had worked long and hard on, and to have people unobjectively attack it, and me, did get to me. As a bit of catharsis, I would sometimes print them off, draw a smiley face on it with a fluorescent marker, and the bin it. That helped remind me it was nothing. Just the words of people’s whose opinions I should not really care about.

In the great words of Theodore Roosevelt (this was on the wall of the Judo dojo I trained at):

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Also, remember all the people who like what you do. Don’t focus on those that irrationally hate. As was once said to me, “If you go for a picnic, you don’t set up your blanket next to the only pile of dog shit in the park” :-)

Bottom line: I love the material you put out. It’s great stuff. I’m also pleased you’re getting hate mail. You’ve earned it ;-) Your material is good enough to warrant comment (objective and unobjective) and I’m pleased some people are threatened by it (they should be). It’s a positive sign!

The more your influence grows, the more of it you’ll get … and the less you’ll care about it.

It is funny how our mind is tuned to pick up the negative and not notice positive. Thinking about it I got much more positive messages.

I’m no psychologist, but I think that’s normal. We are predisposed to look for threats first and foremost. None of our ancestors died by reacting to a rustling in the bushes that turned out to be a false alarm. Those that assumed the beast in the bushes was probably nothing were weeded out of the gene pool. We are the genetic and cultural descendants of the “jumpy ones” :-)

In times past, having people express dislike toward us was a real threat. If you get expelled from the group then you have to face all of nature’s brutality on your own. Being liked was the norm. It was the background of how things were supposed to be in a tribal group. Being disliked and possibly expelled could get you killed.

It’s not the same in the modern world, but our prehistoric instincts have not had time to catch up. We therefore react more strongly to someone expressing dislike than we do someone expressing like. Being liked is how things are supposed to be. Being disliked is the “rustle in the bushes” that we a programmed to be jumpy about.

Logically we know it’s nothing, but that’s not enough. Our internal “prehistoric watchman” needs to be exposed to it enough times to learn it is no threat and hence we can safely ignore it.

Les Bubka wrote:

I need to work more on letting go aspect of life :)

You and me both brother! Show me someone who doesn’t ;-)

The good thing is that these things give us the opportunity to practise letting go. We can’t get good at things if we have no opportunity to practise.

If we want to be courageous, then we need to be exposed to things that scare us so we can practise being courageous. If we want perseverance, then we need to be exposed to things that make us want to quit so we can practise persevering. If we want to be abel to let things go, then we need things that make us want to hold on tighter than we should so we can practise letting go.

Opportunity often looks exactly the same as misfortune. Blessings often look the same as curses.

I’m no psychologist, but I think that’s normal. We are predisposed to look for threats first and foremost. None of our ancestors died by reacting to a rustling in the bushes that turned out to be a false alarm. Those that assumed the beast in the bushes was probably nothing were weeded out of the gene pool. We are the genetic and cultural descendants of the “jumpy ones” :-)

In times past, having people express dislike toward us was a real threat. If you get expelled from the group then you have to face all of nature’s brutality on your own. Being liked was the norm. It was the background of how things were supposed to be in a tribal group. Being disliked and possibly expelled could get you killed.

It’s not the same in the modern world, but our prehistoric instincts have not had time to catch up. We therefore react more strongly to someone expressing dislike than we do someone expressing like. Being liked is how things are supposed to be. Being disliked is the “rustle in the bushes” that we a programmed to be jumpy about.

Logically we know it’s nothing, but that’s not enough. Our internal “prehistoric watchman” needs to be exposed to it enough times to learn it is no threat and hence we can safely ignore it.

Neither am I, but it makes sense.

Iain Abernethy wrote:

You and me both brother! Show me someone who doesn’t ;-)

The good thing is that these things give us the opportunity to practise letting go. We can’t get good at things if we have no opportunity to practise.

If we want to be courageous, then we need to be exposed to things that scare us so we can practise being courageous. If we want perseverance, then we need to be exposed to things that make us want to quit so we can practise persevering. If we want to be abel to let things go, then we need things that make us want to hold on tighter than we should so we can practise letting go.

Opportunity often looks exactly the same as misfortune. Blessings often look the same as curses.

You can give a person knowledge, but you cannot make them think. Some people want to remain fools, only because the truth requires change.

Or to put it more accurately, the truth requires you to acknowledge that you have invested years of training into doing your chosen system incorrectly. That can be a bitter pill to swallow, for some too bitter, and the only way they can live with the fact that they have spent all those years doing things incorrectly is to deny you are right and go on the offensive. Or it require you to acknowledge that your Sensei (although acting in good faith) does not understand what they are teaching.

For every person like that though there is someone whose eyes you have opened, someone who for karate finally makes sense, and they now understand how to apply it in a live situation.

I sympathise as I've received a fair amount of online vitriol over the years from people who watched my videos, read my magazine articles or taken umbridge at something in one of my books. I can think of two well-known individuals who don't like what I do and are so insecure that they try to take credit for some of it (despite never training with one of them and being a published author in the field before training with another), but most of the nasty stuff comes from people who just seem to want to use the net as a way of venting their fury at anything different.

Criticism, whether justified or not, can come from a lot of different places, some of them being:

insecurity and fear of change

a genuine desire to help you improve

irrational hatred

I tend not to enable comments on my videos on youtube because there simply isn't space in the text box or time in the video to explain why I'm doing, what I'm doing the way I'm doing it etc. - so that is the medium most likely to receive uninformed criticism. Uninformed criticism isn't useful to me and it is a waste of time for the person that would write it.

I allow comments on my blog because there at least I can easily cross link to other mediums and put my case across in cogent form. I've no problem with polite discussion if it is a discussion other than a rant. I've better things to do with my time than attempt to change the mind of someone whose position is fixed.

I do have a personal solution for entrenched trolling opinions though. They might not listen to my arguments, they may not acknowledge their logical fallacies, but I believe other readers do. What I do therefore is turn my arguments into books and articles for wider distribution so that their attempt at negativity has a positive outcome for me. I won't waste time on a forum though if I feel it has a toxic atmosphere - getting embroiled in long arguments takes time away from training, researching and writing.

These days I think the majority of people who visit my online platforms already like most of my stuff (or are the personality type that if they see something they don't like accept the difference rather than having a rant about it). That being said, while I try to be polite in my choice of language and accepting of the many different things out there (I don't treat online as any different to being in a room with someone) I know that some of the things I say and do will upset other people's perceptions - but they are the ones who choose how they react to that.

Overall I get way more positive feedback than negative so I don't worry about the negativity out there. Ignore it or use it as a springboard to inspire a new video or blog post.