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Friday, March 12, 2010

My Least Favorite Shark Scenes: You Have No Idea How Scared I Am Right Now.

*Please note I do enjoy the shark/zombie fight in Zombie*

I'm going to be really blunt and honest about something right now. I really really fucking hate sharks. You may have heard somewhere that my biggest fears are puke and sharks. Well that's true and while I have somewhat conquered my fear of puke on the blogosphere, the little issue of sharks still stands. One thing you may not understand about my fear of sharks however is that I'm really only scared of them on TV. I'm being serious. I'm willing to bet that if you put anybody and I mean ANYBODY in the middle of the ocean with a couple of sharks- that they will probably be scared. And yes this includes you, fearless Murray Futterman.

How can you not instantly fear one of the most dangerous beasts in all the world?? So therefore being afraid of sharks in real life is not so different and irrational. Sitting at home or in the movie theater and screaming out loud when a great white shark opens it's jaws, or pops out of the water however is probably a little irrational. Oh and let me be clear about something else. I'm only afraid of great white sharks forget those whimpy sharks in Open Water

--suckas were weak. I'm talking about giant, red gummed, enormous toothed, massive body, white under bellied- great white motha fuckin' sharks. Ok deep breath. Here I go. I hope I don't have a heart attack. If I should die before pressing post...please tell Monkey I love her--Oh no. If I die before I press post no one will know my last wishes. Crap crap crap. The world is a cruel and evil place.

***Please note I am excluding the obvious- all scenes from JAWS because I simply refuse to watch it without a pillow and ear muffs nearby****

The Chipmunk Adventure

Yeah I know you're all rolling your eyes at me again because I weaseled in another way to talk about the greatest movie ever made, The Chipmunk Adventure. But no, this was very important to talk about because it addresses the fact that I have a serious problem if I find that even animated sharks make me nervous. The thing with this is, although animated, the shark in this scene is proportionally sized. If you can remember the shark scene in the Little Mermaid which is also a little scary- it's not as scary because that shark is all head. It has like a dinky body and this massive head...it just doesn't look right and instantly makes it a little softer on the fear.

In this chipmunk scene however- the presence of the shark is so quickly thrown at us and then stagnant for a good few minutes. We see a nice underwater scene with a sunken ship and our girls the Chipbettes, get one of the dolls like they are suppose to. There's also a creepy guy with long blonde hair and a spear gun

(where did he go when the shark attack went down? Thanks a lot asshole) but never mind him- there's still a fucking shark outside!!

All seems fine and dandy as the girls head back, and the shark comes straight at them.

Accompanied by a somewhat borrowed musical score, we see the shark through the vantage point of Brittany.

Seeing that massive shark hurtling at her is awful and then realizing that whoa she is a chipmunk how will she live through this? makes everything worse. The shark continues to chase, then performs this massive leap out of the water and traps Brittany right in it's jaws. Luckily she was wearing an air tank so he couldn't entirely clamp down.

This is when the other Chipbettes come to the rescue and yank Brittany out, causing the tank to disarm and the shark to be blown away This would be a relief, only the shark gets thrown right into one of the bad guys who wraps his arm around the shark and sticks along for the ride.

I don't know what it is about that last part- but thinking about that guy being trapped with the shark and how he like slaps the sharks skin is just....scary! We know he got out alive, but still--what a crazy nightmarish scene for a little kids movie. Most realistic shark that I've ever seen in a cartoon that's for damn sure!

Ace Ventura Pet Detective

There was a brief moment in my life where me and my cousin would rewind this scene over and over and then sit as close to the TV as possible when the sharked popped out and then scream. I'm not sure how that was fun but my life as a child is a great mystery, even to me. So here we have a hilarious movie, where Jim Carrey is all hilarious and stuff. While on the search for Snowflake, the Miami Dolphins dolphin- he comes across the mansion of Ron Camp where he finds that he has just purchased a massive tank.

Oh must be for a dolphin right?! Wrong. After some crafty breaking and entering, Ace waltzes right into the den of the tank, climbs the ladder and whistles for Snowflake. Suddenly, out pops this giant great white shark!

And Ace gets pulled into the tank with it. By some miracle, probably having to do with the fact that this is a comedy, Ace escapes and he continues on in his search for the dolphin. Seriously though. Giant what the fuck moment here.

I want to laugh when I watch Ace Ventura- not huddle and cry in a corner! On a side note I still have never watched this scene without closing my eyes. Yup. Laugh it up.

Finding Nemo

Oh ho another animated film that terrified me. Well let me tell you- I saw this at the drive in- which was a good thing because it wasn't as embarrassing when I screamed out loud, but this was really mean and scary. Although I suppose I had to have expected it since I did see Bruce the shark in the previews and also the movie takes place underwater. Whatever.The thing with this scene though- is that you don't expect Bruce to be there. Marlin and Dory get in a little tiff and Marlin swims off when suddenly a HUGE shark is right there! Man! I screamed fo realz!! Luckily the fear factor of Bruce is lessened by the fact that the next scene is pretty funny--until he smells Dory's blood and all hell breaks loose. If I was this scared as a somewhat matured teenager, what were the kids thinking?! Oh right laughing and being obsessed with how cool Bruce is. Figures.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

You would think that because I read every Harry Potter book every summer that I would have anticipated this scene. The problem was, at the time this movie came out, I hadn't read the book for at least a couple months, and due to my past history of drug and potato chip abuse, I'd completely forgotten that Viktor Krum transfigures himself into a shark. There I was all excited because seeing the merpeople was pretty exciting, and Harry had reached the captives first and la di dah. Then suddenly the merpeople started acting funny. They seemed scared and were pointing. Harry why are they pointing, turn around----

AHH OH MY GOD. Yes that's what I screamed in a packed movie theater at 3:00 PM that afternoon. Good times? Not so much.

Shark Week

Yes I am aware that to many, "Shark Week" is the greatest 2 weeks or however long the devil decides to torment me, out of the whole year. Well poo poo- not for me. To me Shark Week is the WORST. Not only do Shark Week commercials seem to start advertising for the damned event months before hand, they are also advertised on every single channel known to man kind. Nowhere is safe! I can't even watch goddamn Spongebob Squarepants without being bombarded with terrifying shark montages. Curse you Shark Week! Thanks to you I can't watch TV for most of the summer. You suck you suck!

Honorable Mention: The Horror Tribute at the Oscar's

I tend to avoid most movie montages because Jaws will almost always be thrown into one no matter what. It really doesn't matter what the montage is- great films, great moments in puppies, clips of boats- whatever! Jaws is always ALWAYS in it. So to be truthful with you all, I could hardly watch the Oscar tribute because I knew the same thing would happen. I was glad however that the very first clip was from Jaws which you would think would mean that the Jaws clips were over. Still, rapid blinking of the eyelids did not hide the fact that a very large, and red gummed shark opened up so nicely there at the end for the last 5 seconds of the montage. Great. Great stuff.

The last time I decided to go for a long swim in the ocean (straight out perpendicular to the shore), when I turned around to see how far I'd gone there was a crowd of people running up the shore in my direction, pointing to where I was and screaming "Shark!"

My only immediate thought was whether I'd be able to see underwater there or not, so I tried it; the salinity wasn't pleasant and I couldn't see but a foot or two away.

That was the one thing that really bothered me about the whole situation. I didn't mind the thought of possibly getting destroyed by a shark nearly as much as I hated the fact that I'd probably not get to see it happen.

Oh thank goodness I'm not alone in my shark phobia. Something about the Jaws poster scared the bejeezus out of me when I was 5, tormenting me for years with nightmares (even today my worst nightmares have sharks in them), and I still can't look at a wide gaping maw without my palms breaking into a sweat and having to turn away after a half second...

I am SO glad I'm not the only one to have this fear... The opened bloody maw of the great white shark is surely one of the most blood-freezing sights on this planet. And it turns up in my nightmares all too often. Pure unadulterated terror indeed.

I was four years old when I first saw ol' Bruce the shark chomp down on Mr. Quint for the first time. It changed me. Every strong emotion I can think of having all revolve around sharks. Love. Fear. Obsession. Honestly, I can't see a photo of a great white or a scene in a movie without either a little shriek (if I'm not expecting it) or at the very least a highly increased heart rate.

However, as obsessions go, I had to be Ahab and hunt down my white whale, and I recently got back from a week long cage diving trip off of Isla Guadalupe. Saw a total of 9 great whites, biggest one being a 17 footer. It was surreal. To this day, it doesn't feel like it happened. I don't think my brain can process I actually did that. It's like being in the presence of a god.