Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Some Of My Brilliant Ideas That Really Weren’t

A.) I paid millions of dollars to a metal manufacturing company to have my skeleton injected with unbreakable adamantium so I could be a bad ass like Wolverine from the X-Men. It was only months after the very painful procedure that I learned adamantium only exists in comic books and that only normal aluminum had been injected into my skeleton. Talk about EMBARRASSING! And costly!

My Aluminum Covered Skeleton

B.) I irradiated a huge wolf spider and had it bite me in the hopes I’d gain its abilities and become Spiderman. Instead, I developed a severe allergic reaction to the bite and spent a week in the hospital recovering. The spider is fine, BTW.

Severe Reactions To Radioactive Spider Bites Are Apparently Common

C.) I filled a cardboard box with fire ants and wrapped it in lovely Christmas wrapping. Then I sent it to a male Nobel Prize Committee member’s elderly grandmother with a note reading: “Have a smokin’ hot Holiday, old lady, from the dude STILL waiting for your Grandson to award him his long over due Nobel Prize!” Unexpectedly, however, the Grandma almost died from the severity of the fire ant bites, and the authorities were SOMEHOW able to figure out it was me who sent them to her. How, I’ll never know, but let me just say, if you’re ever looking for serious legal issues, just pull a stunt like this and get caught.

Legal Trouble Awaits Those Sending Fire Ants To The Elderly

D.) I decided to engage a Christian Apologist online about the fact that apologizing for being stupid doesn’t make one any less stupid. After several weeks of running on a hamster wheel with this Apologist, and getting nowhere close to relieving him of his stupidity, I suffered an emotional collapse and spent a week recovering in the trauma ward of a major Chicago hospital. To this day, I have no feeling in my left ass check as a result of this online encounter.

Angry Christian Apologist

E.) I began running experiments in my apartment using a particle accelerator I purchased at CVS for $12.99. Well, one day I forgot to turn it off before leaving for work; my dog knocked it over, and when I came home, I found my entire apartment building had been sucked into a 12″ by 12″ black hole it had created. I know this is what happened because my dog was not pulled into the black hole with my building. She was transformed into a god and waited for me to get home to tell me what happened before leaving to live with the other god dogs in that big god dog park in the sky. Of course, my legal issues around this catastrophe would make the fire ant incident pale in comparison should anyone ever figure out I was the one responsible for it. Never buy, run, and then forget to switch off a CVS brand particle accelerator before leaving for work, especially if you have pets.

Shared it on facebook and twitter; people need to know this stuff. It’s time someone told the world you don’t mess around with particle accelerators…although if you ever kill someone with ants, they are a perfect place to hide the body. Nobody would dare look there.

Thank you my friend. I just bought a tube of dark matter tooth paste that’s leaked in my sink. This has opened a portal to Ken Ham’s shower in his home. Just to be an ass, I sent some fire ants through it while he was showering. What a laugh I had! Hee Haw!

And in the East there shall be seen 5 stars shining in the Heavens over a tunnel with 2 Volkswagons driving into it. And this tunnel shall be called the Volkswagon tunnel. And next to it a guy will die and come back and say “Hello” to the 5 stars. Amen. Look, I just created a new religion.

As it happens I thought of you when skimming through a tabloid. We have here in the UK a right wing, racist, homophobic, ‘get out of the EU’ sexist political party named UKIP (you may have heard of them) who have a significant following which worries me a tad. Whatever, the piece reads, ‘Henley-on-Thames UKIP Councillor David Silvester said Britain had been beset by storms since the Government passed a new law allowing gay marriage.’ Going on to say that the storms we have suffered are a direct result of said government acting against the Gospel! Make of that what you will. Regards.