Friday, September 15, 2006

Memo To My Employees

My aunty recently sent me a forwarded e-mail which featured a memo from a company's HR to its employees.

I thought that the ideas in that e-mail were brilliant and I knew my little dotcom just had to incorporate these policies!

So I made some minor changes and sent it out to all my team members in my little dotcom.

Here is the version I sent out.

To all Employees:

Effective 1st October 2006

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. Ifwe see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you aredoing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, sothat you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year in which you won't ever have to do any company related work. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral shouldbe scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper rollwill retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the companynotice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under thecompany's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so thatthey can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the timeneeded to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer ofchoice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

20 comments:

haha, i got that too in the mail some time back, if it comes to my attention of any companies which practice any of the policies you mentioned, i will burn it down to the ground including the management inside ... hahaha

wei----how are u? love that books blog post, extremely funny. wonder if anyone has the guts to go up to a sales assistant and ask if there is a book entitled "jacking off for dummies". truth be told, wouldn't be too surprised if there is. they do cover all areas...