Wires are only good for tying up your loved ones, and slowly spanking them. In my future, there is no place for those easily-tangled bastards outside of eroticism. Apple feels me! Apple feels me! A new patent of theirs outlines the future we’ve been waiting for, a future replete with wireless charging.

New science-technology wizardy has revealed that we begin our slumberous swagger all up in our mother’s guts. For reasons they’re still trying to figure out, Scientist Wizards have observed a soon-baby yawning. Ain’t easy coming into existence. It’s exhausting.

I’m all for progress. Science. Medicine. Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t know how I feel about unleashing a robotic snake in my body, even if that swag is under the guise of eradicating tumors. Eh, who the hell am I kidding. I’d probably get off on it. I’m freaky like that. How you doing?

Isn’t much time until Caprica Six is launching nuclear strikes and boning wily, narcissistic scientists. Researchers have found a way to grow human flesh around all sorts of technology. We’re talking nanowires! Pow! We’re talking transistors! Pow! The future isn’t arriving, it is here. Eating out of your refrigerator and casting uncomfortable looks at your Mom’s legs.

One day some brilliant biophysicist was hanging out at the New England Aquarium when he thought something I would have never dreamed. Dude said to himself, “I can build a jellyfish”, whereas usually I’m like “man…the fish, they like, swim. Really well.”

Hey, this is totally awesome. We’re going to be able to store data for millions of years on these neat sapphire discs. Nothing will ensure our shame like when the Martians return, wondering what the fuck happened. They’ll spin up these discs, and see us fat, bloated, and giggling at cats on YouTube.