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Topic: parenting backbone sighted! (Read 22162 times)

I had to get a leash for my oldest child. It wasn't so much that he liked to run off as it was he'd see something and just take off. And when it was just him, I could keep tabs on him easily, though by the time he started walking I was already about 4 months pregnant with my second, and once my second child was born, it got a lot harder. I'd be bending over to check on the baby, look up and poof, oldest pirate had disappeared. Not that he'd gone far, but it was out of sight enough to scare the bejaysus out of me half the time.

I had always hated those leash things but I broke down when I found out how useful they can be. Even at home, I had one of those doorknob covers that's supposed to keep kids from opening the door, and I had it on the front door since he'd been trying to get out. I had a hard time opening the door with this thing on so I was sure he couldn't do it. So satisfied, I went to the bathroom.

Came out and there was the door opened and the little cover in two pieces on the floor. Thankfully he was just in the front yard but man, that kid was good at escaping.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

DYS, could open any child safe cabinet, or door protector. We installed, at the top of the door, a slide lock, to keep him inside. I once found him, standing on a kitchen chair trying to reach said lock.

The carseat we had him in had split arms on it, and they locked him into the carseat. I used a clipping chest attatchment, backwards so he couldn't get out of it. I had to make sure all belts and harnesses were on tight, or he could manipulate his little spider fingers around things to unlock them. The grocery cart belts he could open and close at 9 months.

We lived on the second floor of a 2 family house, and in the summer, I would leave the door open for air flow. I gated the stairs. He climbed over the gate, and fell down the stairs. I raised the gate up a few inches off the floor, he pushed the gate out from the bottom and fell down the stairs again. Finally, I put a rubbermaid tote under the gate, pushed down on the gate to make it tight on the tote and locked it in place. He was too short to climb on top of the tote.

He did all that before he could walk. He was also on a crib mattress on the floor, because he kept climbing out of his crib, before he could walk. I think if I would have had him first, there would not have been any more. He was my third, and some days made me seriously wonder why I wanted kids.

I generally do not judge when a child is throwing a tantrum because I recognize even the best kid has a bad day. And I don't really think much if a child does something naughty. What kid doesn't. It's only when I see a parent ignoring the bad behavior (like the lady the other day who let her little ones run into people and block the entire grocery aisle with their mini carts) or giving obviously empty threats that I get a little judgey.

Funny thing is my youngest will buckle himself into things. I think it's partly because he just likes fastening the buckle. Put him in a grocery cart, he looks for the seatbelt. In the car seat, he tries to buckle himself in. He'll do the high chair buckles even when he's not sitting in it.

At his age (21 months) his brothers were bucking and doing all they could to avoid getting buckled into things. Actually he's been a really easy and pleasant little baby. Sure he's getting a bit of an attitude as 2 creeps in on us, and has some tantrums, but they're not that bad and he rarely if ever tantrums in public as long as he's well rested.

And often when I hear a kid tantruming in public, I do tend to feel sympathetic towards the parent more than judging them. I don't always succeed at the no judging part, but I do try not to.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

When I see kids with those leashes attached to a backpack or body harness, my first thought is that the kid is a runner and Mom/Dad is doing her/his best to keep him/her safe and uninjured. So much better for the kid's arm joints to have the leash than to be holding on to his/her arm and tugging on it when s/he tries to make a break for it. And if the kid really does make a break for it, tugging on the harness tugs their whole body and if you really need to pull, if they are heading into traffic, for example, they land on their butt if they fall. Good padding there, since most kids that age are still in diapers, too.

I'm not, nor will I ever be, a parent. But I remember my youngest nephew. We were camping. He started making a break for it towards the lake. So I started after him. The little so-and-so kept looking back at me to make sure I was following him and then he'd just go faster. I always wondered what would have happened if I'd stopped chasing him. But I wasn't willing to risk it with the lake relatively nearby. Fortunately, he's grown up into a fine young man and he's off to University this September. His older brother is a good 'kid' too.

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After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

I don't think good parenting is making any kind of comeback. I think there has always been good parents and parents who have had less idea about what to do, and kids who don't respond easily to techniques that do work easily for other families.

And there are parents who desperately need to get done whatever it is they're doing in public, and really need the kid with them to be quiet on that one day and are giving in where they usually wouldn't, knowling that it will come back to bite them later.

It's great to be complimentary about people's parenting, and we should be careful not to be overly judgemental about people who are doing something we think is 'wrong' in a particular situation.

This is so true. About a year ago, I posted about some troubles I was having while grocery shopping with my 2yo son. When I wrote that one way I got him to behave so I could buy some food was to feed him french fries while we were shopping, a lot of people wrote back to say things like my son was training me to give into his demands, or that I was spoiling him, etc. I was pretty insulted by that.

I'm happy to say now that my son, who just turned 3, is very well behaved while shopping. I don't need to bribe him with anything to behave well, and he either sits in the cart or walks along next to the cart while holding the cart. He does whine a bit for M&Ms in the checkout line, but after I say once or twice, he keeps quiet.

And oh, as for kids figuring out child safety measures, my youngest has now figured out how to open up the baby gate that leads from the living room to the kitchen. I was in the living room with him last night while my older two were watching Ben 10 on my phone in the kitchen. Piratebabe wanted to go see his brothers and he managed to open the gate 3 times.

Each time he was brought back and Pirateboy2 refused to believe Piratebabe had figured out the gate. He was sure I'd let him though even though I swore I hadn't.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

...That's pretty much the conclusion his parents have come to. Like I said, all involved parties recognize that the No One wants to deal with a tantrum. Even those (parents, doting godmother) who are obligated too.

Have you tried carrying him in an uncomfortable manner?

When walk-away isn't an option, I have picked up DD by the waist and let her feet and head dangle. She gets so indignant at the position she is in, that she changes gears and wants down or to be held differently. And, she is willing to promise good behavior.

Or going out to sit in the car until the tantrum is over, for the child who wants to go home? That way he's not really getting what he wants, and will have to go back into the store once he's calmed down.

I know, it means you still have to hear it and interrupt your own shopping, so definitely not an ideal option but a possibility, perhaps?

The few times my youngest has gotten fussy during a trip, I just hurried to finish it up so I could get him home and put him down since at his age, the fussiness is usually due to tiredness. When we went to the National Aquarium, we'd wanted to see the Australia exhibit but he still hadn't had his nap since he either didn't like the wrap or it was just too much going on for him to sleep (or both). It was just as well since DH was about done with Bronycon and we had to get the stroller from the car and were going to meet him at the convention center.

Boy wasn't in the stroller but two minutes and he fell asleep.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

I cart DS (2 1/2) out of shops, church, freinds' houses etc with my 'sack of potatoes' hold ie under one arm, because he weighs about 22kg now (tall, big built) and I can't carry him any other way while he's thrashing around and screaming. Makes no difference. He has no concept of undignified.

Screaming in the car sounds fine, but I often have DD with autism with me, and the option of sitting in the car with the screaming for upwards of an hour (which is how long the tantrums can take to abate) is just not an option. She wouldn't cope - I'd just have two kids in there screaming egging each other on. And I actually think listening to the screaming at close quarters, like in the car is causing me some hearing damage. My giant boy has an awesome set of lungs on him.

If we're close to home, we head home and cope with the noise for a few minutes. If we're not close to home, I have to do something to stop the noise. I can just imagine how long it would take for the police to show up if I stood outside the car in a car park and let him scream inside it for an hour. Not to mention that the weather doesn't really allow that option at various times throughout the year.

The other problem with "just leaving" is that depending on what you have in your cart, you could be wasting food. I can't put back $30 of deli meat or a fresh chicken I picked up- and probably no one is going to want the fruit I've picked over either. I'd feel pretty wasteful leaving all that behind, and depending on what it was (like ice cream) it wouldn't last very well sitting in a cart while I went to deal with a tantrum. Sometimes with young kids the fussiness *isn't* going to end just by taking them outside- maybe they just want to be out and running around, or stretched out in their crib for a nap, or just simply away from noise lights and people.

It also presumes that people can come back later- you might work, or have to pick another child up, or be at an appointment, or feed a child/take meds at specific times, or have to do 100 other errands that day. Again, there is an assumption that every family has a parent that can devote a whole day to tasks no matter how long they take, with no accounting for schedule or responsibilities. It assumes you have a car to sit in, and don't have a bus schedule to worry about, or a walk home to make before dark while it's still safe.

« Last Edit: August 06, 2013, 05:45:37 PM by Rohanna »

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My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. ~ Jack Layton.

I cart DS (2 1/2) out of shops, church, freinds' houses etc with my 'sack of potatoes' hold ie under one arm, because he weighs about 22kg now (tall, big built) and I can't carry him any other way while he's thrashing around and screaming. Makes no difference. He has no concept of undignified.

Screaming in the car sounds fine, but I often have DD with autism with me, and the option of sitting in the car with the screaming for upwards of an hour (which is how long the tantrums can take to abate) is just not an option. She wouldn't cope - I'd just have two kids in there screaming egging each other on. And I actually think listening to the screaming at close quarters, like in the car is causing me some hearing damage. My giant boy has an awesome set of lungs on him.

If we're close to home, we head home and cope with the noise for a few minutes. If we're not close to home, I have to do something to stop the noise. I can just imagine how long it would take for the police to show up if I stood outside the car in a car park and let him scream inside it for an hour. Not to mention that the weather doesn't really allow that option at various times throughout the year.

I just had an idea for a business... padded, soundproofed tantrum rooms. Available for kids or adults who just need a little scream therapy.

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What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

The other problem with "just leaving" is that depending on what you have in your cart, you could be wasting food. I can't put back $30 of deli meat or a fresh chicken I picked up- and probably no one is going to want the fruit I've picked over either. I'd feel pretty wasteful leaving all that behind, and depending on what it was (like ice cream) it wouldn't last very well sitting in a cart while I went to deal with a tantrum. Sometimes with young kids the fussiness *isn't* going to end just by taking them outside- maybe they just want to be out and running around, or stretched out in their crib for a nap, or just simply away from noise lights and people.

It also presumes that people can come back later- you might work, or have to pick another child up, or be at an appointment, or feed a child/take meds at specific times, or have to do 100 other errands that day. Again, there is an assumption that every family has a parent that can devote a whole day to tasks no matter how long they take, with no accounting for schedule or responsibilities. It assumes you have a car to sit in, and don't have a bus schedule to worry about, or a walk home to make before dark while it's still safe.

^All of this as well.

Honestly, I'm not trying to sound argumentative, or shoot own every suggestion.

My point is that it's not that parents of difficult kids don't have any ideas about how to deal with their kids. It's that their kids don't respond as easily to the same sorts of techniques.

It would be nice if the same methods worked for all kids, would take so much of the guesswork out of parenting, wouldn't it?

I'll admit, I hate when people tell me "you can't be your kid's best friend!" Well no carp, I know that! I'm not trying to be their best friend! Yes, I will admit in the past I was probably too easy on them but my hesitation to deliver tough love in the past was not out of fear of losing some mythical "Nicest mom ever" award, or worrying they wouldn't like me. It was more due to the fact that, with the way I was raised I honestly didn't know where the line was between tough love and abusive, and I was terrified of crossing it and hurting my boys either physically or emotionally.

Now I've gotten better in recent years, but I still hear that from some folks and I would love to say "I'm not trying to be their friend, I'm working on breaking a cycle here, do you mind?"

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata