Boy Sh-t: A 3 Whisker Throwdown

Three Whiskers has been my nickname for Orlando Bloom for years. Do a search for “Three Whiskers” on this site. It’ll pull up dozens of articles dating back as far as 2006. He’s just never been able to grow any substantial facial hair. The other day, I saw this shot of Justin Bieber’s pathetic attempt at puberty. But, you know, at least Orly is taller.

Say what you will about Justin Bieber, because I know, I know he’s a little prick and we all hate him. But you know what? JB just gave us some really, really, REALLY great gossip. Appreciate him for this!

So JB and Orly got into a scrap last night in Ibiza. Here’s how it apparently went down:

They were at the same restaurant. According to Page Six, at some point, while walking past Orly’s table, JB wanted to shake Orly’s hand. Orly refused. So JB told Orly that:

“She was good.”

HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA

Sources close to Bieber deny that he was the instigator and that it was Bloom who was being pissy. Whatever. No matter who started it, Orly ended up taking a swing at JB’s face. No one can say definitively whether or not he connected. Still, the entire place erupted in applause.

HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA

When they were separated by their respective entourages, Bieber was overheard shouting, “What’s up, bitch!” over to his adversary. And then he told Bloom to “Say hi to her” before leaving.

Her?

Who’s her?

Oh come on. That’s entry level gossip. And I gave you a primer in the site open today anyway.

But JB made it obvious. When he got home safely, tucked into bed, he posted this shot of Miranda Kerr on Instagram with his crown emoji like he owns her.

HAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAAHAAHA

You’ll recall though, there’s another “her” in the situation.

And as my friend Traci Melchor said at the time, you don’t curb-sit with a guy unless you’ve already f-cked him.

Good on Orly? After all, even though Violence Is Wrong, everyone wants to punch Justin Bieber. That fist was carrying the intention of the entire world.

I guess.

Or, you could say, Orlando Bloom just laminated a page on the internet with the headline: Justin Bieber was inside my wife.

I’m not sure you can call that a winner.

So they’re all losers. JB is a loser because, well, he’s Justin Bieber. Orlando Bloom is a loser because he confirmed that he had to share with Justin Bieber. And let’s call Leonardo DiCaprio a loser as well, by association, since he’s also in Ibiza. He seems to find himself often where losers like JB and Lindsay Lohan hang out. And he seems to find other parts of himself where JB has been too.