Grief experts train teachers to help students in need

Some mourn the loss of a parent. Others, the loss of a relative or friend.

By high school graduation day, 90 percent of schoolchildren will experience the death of a loved one. Five percent will lose a parent by age 16.

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And they bring that mourning to school, a burden that can leave them unable to learn, Dr. David Schonfeld, pediatrician and director of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement, recently told San Francisco teachers in a training session to address student grief.

“It is highly likely you see a grieving child every day in school, even if you don’t see any children grieving,” he said.

The worst thing teachers and other school workers can do is to say nothing, said Susan Kichell, a high school nurse who coordinated the bereavement training. “You need to talk to kids about this,” Kichell said. “Pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t work.”

The sessions offered a rare opportunity for the 50-plus teachers who participated to learn how to address a problem they encounter frequently. Teacher-training programs in universities rarely provide guidance on how to help a student work through grief.

In San Francisco, community violence trickles into classrooms daily. Some students are recent immigrants who are mourning the loss of a familiar lifestyle.

Grief can take many forms, not all of them obvious, Schonfeld said. Some students will act out in what looks like misbehavior or anger. Others will withdraw.

Teachers may not be aware of a student’s grief. In some cases, parents choose not to inform the school of a tragedy. After the terror attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, there were students in New York who didn’t want it known that a parent had died at the World Trade Center, Schonfeld said.

The bereavement expert offered teachers advice about how to relate to grieving children and to help them clear up misconceptions about death, such as the fear that their loved one is in pain.

And typically, saying things like, “It will be OK,” or “I lost someone, too,” are not the best options, Schonfeld said.

Teachers can show support by attending the funeral of a child’s loved one, if possible, or directing the family to community resources, Schonfeld said.

Offering private time and a safe space for children to talk also can help, Schonfeld said. He pointed out behavior such as social withdrawal, suicidal talk and self-destructive actions that should lead to referral to counselors or other professionals.

Teachers who attended the training, which was funded with grants from the American Federation of Teachers and New York Life, are expected to help spread the information to colleagues, union officials said.

“Teachers are in a unique position to support (children) through the experience,” Schonfeld said. “You can’t teach children if they’re unable to learn. Loss will do that.”