Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Tips for Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies

[Since nearly half of you said you don't feel comfortable sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner, I asked A. (who normally blogs over at Don't Feed the Animals) to share his expertise with you. Besides, aren't some things just more interesting to hear from a man?]

When it comes to sharing sexual fantasies with your partner, the name of the game is open-mindedness. I've read so many stories about couples who open up to each other and one of them ends up being thoroughly disgusted with the others' dirty mind. It's either that or they feel offended because the fantasy doesn't involve them, or it involves them doing something they don't want to do. Well, I have news for you: you're sharing personal details of your imagination! What do you expect?

Well, unless you're a complete freak like me, you may need some advice when it comes to revealing your extra credit assignments. That's why I've compiled a few tips for that special moment of lust and vulnerability.

1. Don't promise not to get mad, then proceed to get mad.

The key to any good relationship is trust, so if your lover confides in you to know their deepest, darkest desires, respect the trust that they have in you to open up. Besides, if they make you promise such a thing, they probably know it will hit your soft spot. Asking you not to get mad is their way of sending out warning flares and if you don't think you can take it, get away from the blast. It is OK to ask for more time before you hear these things. Then again, by the time they've already asked you to not be mad, the full reveal could be inevitable. Prepare yourself in any case.

One of the awesome things about human psychology is the difference between our "cold state" conscience and our horny conscience. The difference is so great that you will even underestimate your boundaries if you try to talk about them when you're not turned on. This is why revealing your fantasies when you're in the heat of passion is such a good idea; both of you will be so hot and bothered that things which normally skeeve you out actually sound quite reasonable and, dare I say it, sexy.

Possible confessions:"I want something in my butt.""Let's add a third to this mix."

3. Be sincere; don't treat your fantasies like they don't matter.

Sometimes, our sexual vices make us sound silly. These little kinks can be used as joke fodder in the locker room, but they mean a lot to you in the bedroom. You shouldn't be ashamed of what gets you off because your partner is there to help you have fun in a protected and private environment. When it comes down to it, sexual arousal, no matter how it happens, is just plain hot. While your partner may not share your soft spot, they will enjoy the opportunity to turn you on and be a part of your enjoyment.

As it is often said, "Fantasies are just that: fantasies." There are some things that we think about that we would never dream of doing in real life or that are simply impossible to act on. That doesn't mean that they don't turn us on completely when we dream about them. Often, when you share fantasies with your lover, it isn't to create a wish list. Rather, you're just sharing a personal detail that lets them know a little bit more about you and creates a bonding moment. There are even simple fantasies that would be easy to act on, but many people purposely keep them in their pocket simply because they like the dream more than the potential reality.

Possible confessions:"I like to look at anime porn.""Sometimes I imagine myself pleasing an endless line of men."

5. Everyone has different standards for what is kinky.

Some things can simply be too shameful to share for some people. Other fantasies are so normal to them that they don't even consider them remarkable enough to mention. Consider the case of the wife who was livid to find "hot young teen" porn on her husband's computer. She was mad that he had naughty thoughts that he wasn't sharing. Maybe he wasn't talking because looking at porn was shameful. Or maybe it was because EVERY man looks at that kind of porn. Who knows? The point is to try to understand your lover's thoughts about why they choose to share or not to share. Communication will make it all better.

Possible confessions:"I fancy me a ladyboy.""Sorry, I just assumed you would like being spanked."

Now since some of you have been too shy to share your questions and thoughts on the subject and I've had to IM my responses instead, I figured I'd share them here too:

For starters, I've never had a problem sharing my own fantasies with the person I'm sleeping with. If I trust you enough to be intimate with you then I trust you enough to share my fantasies no matter how crazy or weird they may seem. It takes me some work to get to that level, so once we're having sex I'm pretty sure talking to you about what does or doesn't turn me on is no big deal. Then again, maybe some people find talking with their partner a lot more intimate or nerve-racking than actually engaging in sex. I wonder if those same people are able to tell their partner how to get them off or if just they lie there silently going through their routine. Anyway...

As for whether I'll be freaked out by whatever deep, dark secrets a guy reveals to me the answer is usually a flat out "Not really." I see it this way:

1) Who am I to judge this person based on what rocks his boat? Who's to say mine aren't as out there?

2) This is something who's really secure in himself. He knows what he wants and likes and is open with it. No shame there. Confidence is a big turn on!

And 3) I'm actually flattered that this person feels that comfortable around me and trusts me enough to share what's on his mind without worrying that I'll run off screaming. It also makes me feel secure enough to open up to him and let him in on my thoughts. In my opinion, that's what builds intimacy between two people.

And if the fantasy brings up a couple laughs, to me it's still no big deal because I know I'm not being mocked. If anything, it could turn into one good inside joke.

Yeah...I haven't met a guy I'm even willing to share sexual fantasies with yet. Not to say that the sex wasn't amazing, but maybe just not super kinky or weird. Which maybe is because I don't particularly fancy super kinky or weird sex (no criticism to those that do, btw). But if I ever do meet that special kinky someone I will keep this advice in mind! Lol.

Does it make me a freak or just really boring that I don't actually fantasize??? That's not to say that I haven't been in situations that turned out rather "interesting" or kinky....but I've never been a daydreamer who thought, "Man...that would be something I'd like to try."

If things happen, I decide then if it's something I'd like to try. LOL Let me re-phrase....BACK WHEN I WASN'T A BORING OLD MOM.

My view is: You wont know if you enjoy doing something until you try it - or, at least think about the idea of trying it - so if you have a fantasy you'd like to try, then you should discuss it with your partner. If they're really worth being with then they'll at least be willing to hear you out. And if they don't want to try it? Well, at least they can't say that you haven't been open and honest with them. And, if they do try it and don't enjoy it... Well, that can't be helped.

A big glamorous motor coach pulls down the street and silently glides to a stop by the curb near my mailbox. The door opens and a beautiful blonde woman steps out followed by about fifteen strapping, muscular guys with snow shovels. The guys quickly get to work and soon clear a narrow path through the deep snow to my front door – where the blonde rings my door bell. I open the door to see Heather Locklear smiling at me and asking if she might come in.

I stammer and gulp, and nod my head affirmative, and she strides in closing the door behind her while sensuously unzipping her arctic parka to reveal a lacy white nightie. She softly whispers into my ear, “I’m yours, do what you want with me.” I stare at her, absorbing her loveliness, inhaling her sweet scent, and run my fingers through her hair. I suggest a small glass of wine and she agrees, so I go to the kitchen and fumble about with the bottle and corkscrew.

It takes me 5 minutes to get the cork out of the wine bottle, and I need to rinse and dry the glasses as they haven’t used in to long as to be covered in a thick coat of dust. Finally, the bottle and glasses are ready and I take them to bedroom where Heather waits impatiently. She smiles up at me from the bed as I pour the wine. I hand her a glass and make a quick toast, “Salute!” and we sip the bargain basement special that cost less than seven dollars a bottle. I think I see her wince but she quickly covers it with a brilliant smile that melts everything inside me.

Just then, there is a loud knock on the door, the fifteen strapping muscular guys have finished shoveling my driveway and its time for Heather to leave – so she quickly dons her arctic parka, the fur-lined hood framing her beautiful face, and she says, “Good bye, Iggy,” as she enters the motor coach and it speeds away trailing a small cloud of diesel smoke.

HELLO

Hi, I'm Dorkys, a NYC-based writer/illustrator who's currently loving art journaling, decorating my new apartment, and relearning how to play the guitar. Here, I cover life, my art and writing career, travels, and the ins and outs of surviving in this hectic city.