Thursday, March 13, 2014

Big Ten Tournament

Unlike the rest of Chicago, the snow doesn't bother me. It looks cool, it sounds cool, and it provides ample canvases to draw dicks and Motion Dubs on car windshields. I love all of that.
Ice, on the other hand, is a completely different story.
As of 3/13/14, I am officially terrified of ice. I hate it. It's a silent killer that shows no mercy. Take Dan Curry, for example. Wednesday afternoon, Dan was walking around downtown when ice unloaded a SNEAK ATTACK on his head:

"It hurt. It felt like a baseball had hit me in the head," Curry said. "The thing that really scared me was that there was a lot of blood, and I reached up and my hands were filled with blood and there was blood all over the place."

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT

BLOOD EVERYWHERE. And was the ice satisfied with its initial attack?

"[Good Samaritans] carried me underneath the roof because more icicles started [ATTACKING]... I was the only one who got hit," Curry said. "It was frightening, because there's nothing you can do. You can't walk in the street, you can't walk next to the building because you don't know where the icicles are going to [ATTACK], and you can't look up."

Barricades were used to cordon off the Franklin Street side of the building between Jackson Boulevard and Adams Street between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m., officials said. No injuries were reported.

There was "ice in the air in the area," said Bill Utter a spokesman for Willis Tower. "As a precaution, we did close the Franklin Street entrance briefly."

Evil ice MILLING ABOUT in the air.

So what do you do? Staying off the sidewalks seems like a good idea. Might be a good time to drive to work. Except, of course, that ice don't give a fuck if you're on foot or in a car:

In another incident, the windshield of an SUV driving along Lake Shore Drive at Roosevelt Road was shattered after a block of ice blew off a passing vehicle.

The thought of driving down Lake Shore Drive and having an ice bomb assault my windshield makes me want to wrap myself in a blanket and never leave my apartment.
Whatever. Humans are terrible and have caused a lot of destruction on this planet. I guess I can see why the ice is fighting back. BUT DEAR GOD WHY THE DUCKS?

This bitterly cold winter seems to be wearing down everyone. It’s also having a dramatic impact on the ducks who usually flourish along the shores of Lake Michigan.

“We’ve brought in close to 40 ducks so far,” said Josh Engel, a research assistant at the Field Museum.

The bodies are now gathered in a Field Museum lab with other waterfowl that have been collected along the lakefront in recent days.

All of them were starved to death.

Record amounts of ice coating the lake is to blame, keeping the birds from their only source of food.

“It just seems like they literally can’t find enough food and are starving,” said Engel.

The dozens found dead so far are likely just the tip of it.

Sorry, Dan Curry, your bleeding skull means NOTHING compared to MASS DUCK MURDER. Ducks are fucking adorable and harmless. They lose their shit over UNTOASTED pieces of bread. They precariously march single-file across busy streets and cars stops because LOOKIT THE LITTLE DUCKS. And now ice is hoarding all their food and laughing as they starve to death. We've got WATERFOWL GENOCIDE happening right under our noses, and all people do is talk about how they're 'over' snow and 'really want spring right about now'.
Leave snow alone. MURDER ICE is by far the worst part of winter. And it's not going down without a fight.UPDATED SCARY LIST FEAR RANKINGS:
1) The Third Rail
2) Cops on horses
3) Murder Ice
4) Face tattoos
5) Raw chicken
6) Killer Whales
PS - There is nothing that offends me more than this:

Okay. What am I supposed to do? Look up the entire time? Walk really fast? ZIG ZAG? That sign might as well say, 'CAUTION: YOU MIGHT DIE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP MURDER ICE'

I'm not even sure, and now apparently I have to start looking straight up through the sunroof while driving to prevent death via ice sneak attack/falling dead convict. This is a hard world we're living in. Head on a swivel at all times.

***

CHICAGO BADGERS: I don't know about you, but it's been WAY too long since I've been at Will's. So when I saw that our first game was going to be at 5:30 this Friday, I got that itch. And the only way to scratch that itch is with stadium cups and cheese curds and girls with red bows and hopefully MEAT AND CHEESE TRAYS. Heading there straight from work. Can't wait. See y'all there.
PS - I've been informed there might be a mini-halftime raffle. My never-ending quest to win a Wisco scarf in the Will's Halftime Raffle resumes FRIDAY.
PPS - If any of you ever win the scarf in the raffle I'm going to lose my brain.
PPPS - "Wah, I'm staying in Friday because I'm drinking all day Saturday." Psh, that's why we drink EARLY AND OFTEN Friday so you can still retire at a reasonable hour and not have to battle a wicked hangover monster Saturday morning. This is logic you need to get behind.
4xPS - Just realized that if we win Friday, we kind of HAVE to go back to Will's on Saturday. OH WELL

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

IN SUMMARY: We play on BTN Friday at 5:30 PM. If we win that, we play Saturday around 3:05 PM on CBS. And if we win that, the championship game is Sunday at 2:30 PM on CBS. Those are some PERFECTLY timed games. Let's win all of them because #WinningIsFun!

2) Wisconsin, 25-6 (12-6). The loss in Lincoln didn't faze me one bit. This team is not going to shoot free throws that poorly or turn the ball over like they're IU going forward. Chalk it up to playing in an insanely crazy atmosphere against a team desperate for a win. The bounce back starts Friday. Loving this team's chances to make a run in both tourneys. I AM NOT A TOTAL HOMER3) Michigan State, 23-8 (12-6). Michigan State will be in my Final Four... unless they're in Wisconsin's region. Izzo works voodoo March magic and I HATE it.4) Ohio State, 23-8 (10-8). A friend of mine had a concert in Chicago the other night, but I was obsessed with the band that went on before them. Main reason? SHOELESS JOE SAXOPHONE:

BEYOND FASCINATING

5) #Nebrasketball, 19-11 (11-7). If the Big Ten Tournament and the NCAA Tournament were played in Lincoln, I think #Nebrasketball would have to be #1 on the list. But it's kind of not. And in neutral/road games this year, #Nebrasketball has lost to UMass, UAB, Creighton, Cinci, Iowa, OSU, Purdue, Penn State, Michigan, and Illinois. It's still impressive what they've done to get themselves to 4th in the conference, but this isn't some sleeper team that's gonna wreck your brackets. Ain't no more home cookin' on the docket, fellas.6) Iowa, 20-11 (9-9). It's not about how you start. It's all about how you finish:

PS - Even though the postponed IU game wasn't their fault, it totally fits in with the rest of the scores there. Failure up and down the board.PPS - Any time you can give up 79, 95, 93, 76, and 86 points in consecutive games leading up to postseason play, you should totally not be worried at all.

7) Illinois, 18-13 (7-11). Weekly ADORABLE ANIMAL GIF:

Baby elefantes are the MOST cute

8) Minnesota, 19-12 (8-10). Last week I detailed the seating hierarchy on public transportation. I ended it with this note: "If you sit in one seat and put your stuff in the seat next to you and don't even make an attempt to move it for a person who is standing, then you are a monster who should be excommunicated from society." And the next day on the train during the morning rush?

Banish this person to Ohio.

9) Indiana, 17-14 (7-11). Do you think Assembly Hall is jealous of ice stealing its move and falling from the skies to attack people? Also, do you think #HoosierNation is excited about going to the NIT? I bet they are. POSTSEASON BASKETBALL IN BLOOMINGTON, FEEL THE EXCITEMENT:

10) Penn State, 15-16 (6-12). There are good dads out there, and there are GREAT dads out there:

11) Northwestern, 13-18 (6-12). If we're just being honest here, I'm still pretty worked up over the ice sneak attacks. If a chunk of ice falls on a brace of ducks then I'm moving to Mexico.

12) Purdue, 15-16 (5-13). Villanova losing on a buzzer beater to Seton Hall means one thing: win out and a 1-seed is VERY possible. That starts tomorrow at 5:30. LET'S go!

RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

Game of Thrones released an entire mixtape last week, and the Big Boi and Common tracks are worth checking out as well. But Wale's was definitely the hottest, as he spits over a sample of the GoT theme song. Can April 6 please just come already?(@DannyGoldin)

Enon's an old indie rock group which is no longer is in existence unfortunately. A girl and a guy each sing but this ones a doozy from the chick with the coozy.(JQW)

STRAIGHT FIRE. Came across a tribute album to my favorite band on Spotify, and this is by FAR the best cover on it. Her voice is incredible, and they tweaked the song just enough to make it theirs while still staying true to the original. And in case you want a comparison, here's the original:

Goddamnit. I wish they were still making music. I wish they were still PLAYING music.
PS - Current musical obsession? Pop-punk bands with female lead singers. All about girls with pipes. Throw in some catchy distorted guitars and I'm sold:

THIS WEEK'S GAMES IN HAIKUIt's been a whileSince we've brought home some hardwareThat ends on SundayYOUTUBE

All about this Russian baby working her maestro game. In addition to my app that only shows YouTube videos with at least 10 million views, I'd like an app that only shows you videos originating in Russian with at least 1 million views. Anything that emerged from the vast Russian landscape and earned a million views is officially hot. Give me all the dash cams, homemade bungee jumps, and lighting-alcohol-on-fire videos I can handle. Russia and Japan are in an eternal struggle for terrifyingly awesome YouTube supremacy. One of the FEW times I'll bow down to either one of them and admit defeat. We're weird; they're Russia/Japan weird.PS - The emotion is so strong:

PPS - Russian Maestro Baby and Drunk Baby would TOTES be BFF4L:

Loading up on baby videos this week, and the Ice Cream Van does not disappoint. 2 things, though:1) British people eat beans on toast like it's a normal thing to do.2) SNIPER:

Half impressed that the dolphin knew he could go to the human for help; half terrified that the dolphin knew he could go to the human for help. I mean, that's just a little too smart for a non-human. A heartwarming mammal-to-mammal moment, for sure. But I don't trust dolphins.PS - After watching that video, I had no choice but to fix it:

Swiss/German duo BOY play in the United States for the first time, and they did NOT expect people to know the words and sing along with them. What a fucking feeling it must be as a musician to write a song, play it live, and have everyone there singing it with you. Her reaction is such perfect adorably genuine happiness. Also, girls with pipes. Boom. Never fails.#FOODPORN

DONUT ORGY from Glazed and Infused. Ranked, from best to worst:1) Red Velvet. I'm not sure it's legal to put cream cheese frosting on a donut, but it's undeniably delicious. At this point, there's no discernible difference between eating a donut and eating a piece of cake for breakfast. This is not a complaint. I don't even really like cake all that much. But I loved this.2) Maple Bacon Long John. I just conducted 5 minutes of HARD research, and I still can't tell you the origin of the Long John. I asked some friends and got a bunch of 'I dunnos', except for one girl who said, 'because they're cream-filled and shaped like johnsons?' Well.

3) The Happy Birthday Special. It was no one's birthday.4) Chocolate4. Bonus points for white chocolate pearls. Negative a million points for dark chocolate shavings. Anyone who tells you dark chocolate is healthier for you is trying to compensate for the fact that it also tastes like bitter garbage.5) Crunchy PB & J. I like their description on the website: "A crunchy peanut butter glazed bismark, filled with mix berry jam from RARE BIRD PRESERVES" I APPROVE OF YOUR CAPS LOCK USAGE
PS - Speaking of Dazed and Confused, I enjoyed this clip of Matthew McConahgyeh explaining the origin of his famous 'alright alright alright':

PPS - I spent YEARS learning how to spell Schwarzenegger, I refuse to put in the effort to learn McConaghey. Nope. Not worth it.PPPS - Give me 4 beers and I will be 'alright alright alrighting' everything and anything. It's INFECTIOUS.

#SKYPORN

That is some STELLAR Spring Training #skyporn. I need to go to Spring Training at some point in my life, don't I? Escape the misery of never-ending Chicago winter, drink beer in the sun, not feel guilty about going to baseball games and paying zero attention to the game itself... all of that sounds amazing. I can already see myself taunting everyone via social media and then getting made fun of for coming back to Chicago sunburned as all hell. Instant karma. Happens every time.(via)

PREDICTION CITYI'm riding high. Love this team, love the versatility, and I think they find the defensive toughness they need. Dekker bounces back and puts the team on his back. We ride together, we die together. Bad Boyz 4 life. THE PICKS:

I know I'm sending this after the Illinois and OSU games, but if you think I was picking CREAN or Purdue then you just aren't paying attention.