Opinion: If You Don’t Like How Things Are, Get Out

The following is a “straight talk” opinion piece written by Gen. Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Greetings. As you may have noticed, it’s been a busy few months here at the Pentagon. But some of you wanted me to address the important issues facing our military the same way our Australian allies have – brutally blunt and to the point. They don’t have a war in Syria to plan or anything, but whatever. Here we go.

Myself and the rest of the Joint Chiefs are working tirelessly to ensure Congress doesn’t take away a Commander’s right to overturn the sentence of a service member convicted of sexual assault under the UCMJ. Look, we’re going to act really busy just to stall for some time. Eventually, Congress will quit caring and move on to the next thing, like doping in baseball or funding NPR.

We are totally okay with rapists being reinstated in our ranks so long as a General Officer says so. And if you don’t like that, get out.

We also hear a lot of whining about this whole medical care thing. Here’s the straight scoop. Most of the people in Wounded Warrior programs had pre-existing conditions we overlooked back when we needed cannon fodder for the surge. Hey, how were we supposed to know all that faulty body armor and shitty camo would actually save lives? We counted on these GED petty criminal asthma monkeys to die like real Americans, not cling to life and get free artificial limbs.

So if you think you deserve something because you went to war and got screwed up, get out and try your luck with the VA. Better yet, put a sock in your pie hole.

Some of you look around and wonder why we keep funding programs like the F-35 and an 11th aircraft carrier when you’re cutting the grass with a pair of dull scissors and sleep in barracks where the sewer line backs up twice a day. Look, everyone needs a plan for when they exit the service. You might use your GI Bill or start a small business. People like me get paid millions to be “advisors” to the defense industry on the same programs we used to run. They can’t pay us off while we’re in uniform, but they can pay us back once we retire.

So why don’t you go ahead and use some of that GI Bill by getting out? See, everyone can play the game!

Suicide is another big issue we face. Look, if you’re going to kill yourself, get out first. That way it’s the VA’s problem and not ours. So, separate from the military first, separate from your body second. Got it? Now get out.

Finally, I’m serious. Get out. We need to cut 140,000 from our ranks and many of us can’t be successful out there in the civilian world. So if you don’t like sexual assault, got a few owies that haven’t healed or think protecting useless weapons programs is wrong, just get out.

Thank you all for your service, but for the service you performed a few years back. You’re useless to us now. Get out.

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Courtney Massengale is a distinguished graduate of USMA. His flanking maneuvers are perpetually better than those of his arch nemesis, Sam Damon. Courtney is in a loveless relationship with his wife of 94 years, Emily.
While not scheming to destroy Damon, Courtney enjoys pointless meetings, criticizing others and twirling his mustache.