28 July 2010

Dear Suebob

A new feature in which Suebob dialogues about your pressing etiquette questions:

Questioner: Is it ok if I squat to pee instead of sitting in a public restroom?Suebob: Butt-related toilet seat disease transmission is actually quite rare, but whatever floats your boat.Questioner: Is it ok if I put my feet on the seat and squat there?Suebob: Hell no. What is wrong with you? Were your thigh muscles removed? This is WHY you do squats at the gym. Get your disgusting feet off the seat.Questioner: That's the way we do it where I am from.Suebob: Are you from Dumbassville?Questioner: What if I pee on the seat?Suebob: Clean it up.Questioner: Clean it up? Me, clean up pee? That is gross.Suebob: Not compared to coming in and finding a toilet seat all covered in pee.Questioner: How am I supposed to clean it up?Suebob: I don't care. Take a piece of toilet paper, a butt gasket, a wet wipe or what have you and clean it up. It's not calculus, people.Questioner: Why do I have to clean it up? (emphasis on I)Suebob: You made the mess.Questioner: But I am not the kind of person who cleans up pee. I'm special.Suebob: I know. You are the kind of person whose parents, who were obviously of a non-human species, told you that you didn't have to take any responsibility for anything you did. When you go home to the place under the rock where you crawled out from, tell them they did a great job, OK?

I sit on the seat. Since I don't think you can get pregnant or herpes from toilet seats anymore, I sit and do my thing. I also wipe if I drip or even OTHER people's drips and then autoclave my entire body afterward. Washing your hands can leave you remarkably healthy.

I sit on the seat, too, but of course if there is pee on it I wipe it off first. AND I wipe if I dribble.

and as for putting your feet on the seat - well, turning the tables, the first time I ever saw a Turkish toilet in France, I had to hold my water till we found a cafe. I could not imagine myself taking the position.

But I have to applaud someone who can manage it, and wonder whether their choice of putting feet on American seats is a pretty logical adaptation.

I have actually left notes for those special folks who leave the asspaper on the seat after they go, in our office building. Yes, the person who is so phobic about germs or who cannot learn how to squat, but thinks that someone else would like to come in and remove the paper where their ass sat. Makes me want to leave them a river pickle.