By Smaktakula

Once A Staple In Grocery Store Check-Out Aisles Across The Nation, The Weekly World News’ Folksy Exaggerations And Fanciful Tales Were No Match For The Real-Time Prevarications And High-Tech Lies Being Spread Around The Clock By The Likes Of FOX News And MSNBC.

In which we base our comments solely on the headlines. We leave the actual reading to society dames, old people and the friendless sissy boys who enjoy that kind of thing.

Post-Katrina funds run dry~ First of all, ha ha–‘dry’–classy. Secondly, New Orleans has been crashing on the national couch for about seven years now; maybe it’s time it got up and went looking for a job. That carton of Newports didn’t buy itself, you know.

The Elmo Scandal … Forget the Kids, Poor Us! ~ Is your life truly so bereft of real human experience that a scandal involving an imaginary character can so fundamentally undermine the foundation upon which your sense of self rests?

By Smaktakula

Oh, Sure--He's A Cock-Knocker. But Let's Hear What He Has To Say.

Only a few days ago, it would have been hard to blame filthy hippies for getting all giddy over the possible legalization of marijuana. Cannabis, the decriminalization of which had seemed until recently to be largely inevitable, may not be as close to reality as previously feared. Despite valiant efforts by anti-drug activists over the past decades, such as Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” Campaign or the hunger-inducing ‘This Is Your Brain On Drugs,” the public’s tolerance for this deadly plant seemed only to be growing. Then Pat Robertson weighed in.

Not Fucking Likely, You Filthy Cheeba-Monkeys!

Readers of Promethean Times are already familiar with the myriad threats to society posed by marijuana legalization. The pitfalls of hemp-addiction have been widely documented–some users become hooked to the reefer after simply walking into a room where someone has smoked marijuana within the past six hours.¹ Additionally, anyone who lives in an urban center or near a high school has seen the ugly effects of “Weed Rage”–the drug is known to give users the strength of ten men, and induces such fury that subduing a raging stoner requires an army of club-wielding cops and about four gallons of pepper spray. Crafty hemp-heads are reportedly contracting cancer intentionally as a ploy to get their grimy, emaciated hands on some sweet, sweet cheeba. And of course, incidents of weed-dissipated parents devouring their own children are so common as to be almost prosaic.

Hippies. A Lot Like Cockroaches, But Lacking The Charm.

Despite these very real and well-publicized dangers, it has taken until now for someone to summon the courage to affect real change. By announcing his support of marijuana legalization, Pat Robertson has done just that. Overnight, people who once thought marijuana a harmless pleasure are being forced to take a second look at this invasive weed, hopefully to see it for what it is–a nation-destroying blight. Banking on his reputation as a head-up-the-ass moron who has previously offered up godlessness as a cause for national disasters and who advocates political assassination as a form of diplomacy, Robertson is gambling that his advocacy of marijuana legalization will turn the public against it. On behalf of society as a whole, but most especially the children, Promethean Times thanks Pat Robertson for his brave stance in helping America say nope to dope and ugh to drugs.

Parents: Oaksterdam University Is NOT A Fully Accredited Institution Of Higher Learning! It's More Like A Community College.²

¹Unless that shit is the dank, in which case the effects can last up to 12 hours. ∞ T.