President Trump’s Dog Apprentice

They say that a dog is man’s best friend. The world that we live in is often a lonely place and it is important to have a faithful companion and if anyone could use a canine friend in a dark world it would have to be President Trump. Currently, President Trump does not have a dog but if he did, what type of dog would he have?

For anyone that knows President Trump well, they would tell you that he would only choose a dog in a certain way. The way that he would choose a dog is by having a “Doggie Apprentice Competition”. He would select five dogs and put them through a difficult competition process. Each dog would be required to perform specific acts, tests and skills. The winning dog would receive the “privilege” of having President Trump as its owner.

I suspect that the five different breeds of dogs that he would select would be a Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, a Pitbull, a French Poodle, and a Cocker Spaniel. I can’t begin to imagine how Trump would decide on the breeds so we’ve selected them mostly randomly for the purposes of this thought experiment. Each competition would have a winner and a loser. The loser would be eliminated and the winner of each competition would receive a special reward. Only the losing dog would be eliminated whereas all of the remaining dogs would move on to the next round of competition.

The competition would probably begin with a performance test. Each dog would be trained by a team of professional dog trainers to perform a special trick. The dog that performed the best trick, according to President Trump, would be the winner. The dog that performed the worst trick would be kicked out of the competition. The dog trainers would choose a trick that was suited for the breed of dog.

Here’s how I think it will play out: In the first competition the Rottweiler performed a “Roll Over Trick”, the German Shepherd a “Fetch the Stick Trick”, the Pitbull performed a “Walk on your Hind Legs Trick”, the French Poodle a “Jump Through the Hoops Trick”, and the Cocker Spaniel performed a “Play Dead Trick”. The winning dog was the French Poodle and the losing dog was the Pitbull.The French Poodle received a plate of filet mignon as its reward.

The French Poodle received a plate of filet mignon as its reward.

The next competition for the four remaining dogs was the cute competition. Each dog was professionally groomed and then displayed on a runway before President Trump. Each of the dogs was gorgeous but the President chose the Cocker Spaniel as the cutest dog. The losing dog was the Rottweiler and therefore the Rottweiler had to leave the competition. As a reward the Cocker Spaniel was given a one week, all expenses paid vacation to the infamous world renowned dog spa, Doggie Heaven. No, that isn’t a euphemism. The Trump doesn’t use euphemisms.

The level of the competition now intensified immensely as there were only three dogs remaining. The next criteria for the competition was to see which dog provided the best protection. President Trump took each dog for a walk on the White House lawn. A pretend mugger would attempt to attack President Trump at some point during the walk. How would the dogs react and which dog would come to President Trump’s aid?

The winning dog was not the dog that many chose. It was the French Poodle. The most fearsome of all canines.

There now remained only two dogs left in the competition. Which one would win? The final competition involved food. Each dog received three bowls of food. The first bowl contained an appetizer, a dog biscuit. The second bowl contained the main meal, Kibbles. The third bowl contained a desert, a dog chew. The dogs were expected to eat the entire meal in a proper order. First the appetizer, then the main meal, and finally the desert. Whichever dog performed this culinary feat in the right order would be the winner.

The Cocker Spaniel, unfortunately, ate the desert first, the meal second, and the appetizer third. The French Poodle ate the appetizer first, the meal second, and the desert third. As a result, the French Poodle was declared the winner of the “Doggie Apprentice Competition” and as a reward received President Trump as its new owner. The final outcome was not too surprising for many because it is a well-known fact that the French have had years of enlightenment when it comes to culinary fair.

Update: When we first wrote this article we didn’t have any information about what dog Trump would pick. Now it looks like a little guy named Patton is a good candidate: