You can and will beat the common cold

January 4, 2013

The occasional cold or flu is a fact of life, but every now and then you just don’t have time to be sick. Maybe you’re about to go on vacation, or get married, or start a new job but whatever the case, you just think, “No. Not this time. Absolutely not.” So here are (somewhat facetious, somewhat not) guidelines on how to beat back a cold before it takes control:

1.) Start early. Feel that little tickle in the back of your throat? Now is the time for action. Do not hesitate or else the cold will get you.

2.) Be willing to spare no expense. Go to the cold and flu section of the store and buy anything that sounds promising in terms of heading a cold off at the pass. Don’t bother wasting time checking online to see if they work or even if their claims have been reviewed by the FDA. Just get them and be prepared to take them all (according to directions). Blast yourself with Vitamin C, zinc, whatever they've got.

3.) Treat yourself as if you are already sick. Rest. Eat chicken soup. Take hot showers. Sleep. Don't spike the football just yet.

4.) Be completely confident that this will work. It’s not if you beat your cold, it’s that it is happening. You are winning. Just keep your eye on the prize and keep going. Never give in. You are like that evil chin-dimpled sensai from The Karate Kid. No mercy. Sweep the leg. Your complete faith in your own self-healing abilities are extremely important here.

5.) But know that you can only pull this off once every few years or once a year max. You need all your strength and help from the cold gods and you cannot be greedy and expect this to work all the time. Next time you're just going to have to give in and accept that it's your turn.