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KBMR was named one of 25 Important Books of the decade byHTML Giant. And was a Page One selection of New & Noteworthy Books by Poets & Writers Magazine.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

No News Today - Guest Post - Luke B. Goebel

Letter to Pima County Sheriff’s Department. State of Arizona. In
response to a summons. (Speeding captured by a Photo Radar Machine).
Written on unlined paper. Also one ½ sheet of lined paper, roughly torn,
written front and back.

Dear Person Paid to Receive this by Arizona,

I am writing to give you the business! We are, whoever you are, as a
representative of legal action for the Arizona state, for some district
in Tucson, and I as myself, writer, professor, fellow-state-employee
from another state, etc, (The Lone Star) we are, I repeat “we are” as so
much has passed from when I had written “we are” and where I have “we
are” for the second time, above; again, we are engaged in a conflict,
you and I, though alike in one facet, surely most unalike in many
others. I mean employed by a state is how we are alike in one facet. I
disagree with you—-and so here it is, the business!

You are
FAMILIAR with the 5 paragraph essay, surely? I am going to tell you what
I am setting out now to tell you—-then I am going to tell you (i.e.
give you the business)—-and then I am going to tell you what I have told
you, from at this onset I will be telling you! This will take some
time—-I will likely appeal to three types of rhetoric—-ethos, logos, and
pathos. Finally, I will assure you that I am correct in giving you the
business! But first, know you are going after my pocketbook, my
possessions, and this is wrong! As you have given me no business! This
brings me to my point as to why you ARE WRONG and I am vindicated—-and
here is what I will be talking (writing) about during the duration of
this 5 paragraph essay (So Far You Are On Paragraph One): I am writing
to inquire and prove through inquiring (both writing to prove and in
inquiring so shall prove) of the last time your machine, your nonhuman
photo-radar machine, was checked and calibrated for accuracy! Aha! I am
going to prove you must provide record of this prior to convicting me,
I.E. giving me the business, i.e. taking from my pocket, i.e.
successfully completing the business of taking my money for your
state/district. So begin I hereby to prove myself and my case that you
cannot do me any business without providing me PROOF of recent testing
and calibration of your photo-radar nonhuman machine (within the bounds
of the law—-within the mandated time period of testing and calibration)
prior to your stealing my photo and assigning an accusation of speeding.
This is now paragraph two! As a side note I’d like to acknowledge,
given our shared quality of being employed by a state of this nation (I
the Lone Star: you the Grand Canyon State), I too have had the desire to
slack off at my post. Especially I have desired to slack off while
reading five paragraph essays written in a disembodied style, employing
used up rote forms of discourse. This is why I’ve included mention of my
pocket and pocketbook or billfold, to create a corporeal link through
articles, through implied regions and relations of the body, i.e. rear
end cheek, i.e. place of billfold, and of course implied is money—-to go
further I am 31 years old, six foot four, handsome, long haired,
loping, somewhat cowboy, somewhat L.A., big nose, but handsome, flat
footed and I kick my right foot out when I walk! Due to the CONTEXT of
this letter I cannot share what my ex-girlfriend has said is the
physical reason for my doing so. I mean kicking out my right foot while I
walk. Anyhow, I know what it is like to slack off but I encourage you
not to slack off as this is your business and you won’t give ME the
business until I have received proof proving your nonhuman machines were
calibrated and checked within the required time prior to my going past
and being photographed (without explicit consent). This is my
pocketbook.

Paragraph three: None of us were speeding proven by my
speedometer being exactly on the speed of the limit posted and no cars
passing me, and the speed I was shown being incorrect attest I.

Paragraph four: I have had this happen once with a police radar gun in
Hawaii which was improperly calibrated (pathos) and I got off of the
business (false business) b/c he had not calibrated his nonhuman
machine!

Paragraph five: So you, Sir or Madam—-I’ve been thinking of
you as a female person of the state while writing, but you may of
course be a MAN trying to give me the business—-but as you now see, due
to my request for PROOF of PROPER FUNCTIONING of nonhuman said machine
(other people not contesting, or pleading guilty, is no proof as people
have grown lazy!). Therefore business is closed until you prove
yourselves vigilant in checking your machines—-I.e. my billfold is
closed.

Signed Luke B. Goebel 6/5/12

Luke
B. Goebel is the author of the prize winning: How Many Lassos To
CowboyTown, The Big Eyeball Poke, The Boot of the Boot, and Eat Your
Vegetables Kids. This letter is part of a side project. It is from a
collection of letters, all mailed through the U.S. Postal Service, the
last great institution of the U.S. Government. The book is as of yet,
unfinished, and the printing rights are currently available.

Fiction

About Me

Robert Lopez is the author of two novels, Part of the World and Kamby Bolongo Mean River and a collection of short fiction, Asunder. He has taught at The New School, Pratt Institute, Columbia University, Pine Manor College's Solstice Low-Res MFA Program and was a 2010 Fellow in Fiction from the New York Foundation for the Arts.
Email - lopezr@newschool.edu
rcl0831@aol.com