The Stag did a special edition this time on sex. One of the features we did for the music section was on the ‘perfect’ sexy song. On which I had to say… People obsesses about what song to set the mood for or during sex. What’s more important for me is what song to play after sex, because it influences the way that I look back at it. In that regard, my favourite sexy song of all time is What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong. I fell in love with this song ever since I heard it in the last episode of the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy radio show. It’s a song that is so close to me emotionally that I only ever play it post-sex for someone that I feel I truly connected with. Armstrong’s gravelly voice makes the moment tres romantique. I couldn’t resist coming up with a ‘fun’ list of unusual sexy songs though after writing that. Here’s my top 10: Best this-room-is-way-too-dark-and-I-can’t-see-what-I’m-doing song: No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine Best make-her-give-consent song: Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol Best we-are-gonna-do-some-seriously-fucked-up-shit song: Use Your Fist And Not Your Mouth by Marilyn Manson Best this-sex-tape-is-going-to-end-up-on-some-porn-site song: Kiss & Tell by Selena Gomez Best get-that-Twilight-fan-chick-interested-in-you song: If I Was Your Vampire by Marilyn Manson Best well-this-was-disappointing song: I Can’t Get No Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones Best you-really-need-deodorant song: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana Best I’m-never-going-to-sleep-with-this-person-and-I-will-play-this-as-I-kick-them-out: One Night Stand by Fanzine Best I-don’t-want-to-fuck-you song: Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth by The Dandy Warhols Best I-want-you-to-scratch-and-bite-me-nudge-nudge-wink-wink song: I Like It Rough by Lady...

When I was preaching to the gallery about truly appreciating cinema, how many of you thought I was a prick who only watched films if they had the stamp of an ‘acclaimed’ director? Most of you then. I see. I wanted to clarify this misunderstanding. You see, when I say I watch ‘bad’ films, I don’t mean ‘below average’ ones like The Hangover 2. You may have heard of so-bad-that-they-are-good Hollywood efforts (Snakes On A Plane, anyone?) I am going to make two recommendations of spectacularly bad movies that go way beyond that level of suckiness. Now the truly annoying whipper-snappers among you might ask “But why would I want to watch a movie knowing that it is bad?” The reason is…oh forget it. You people are a lost cause. For the faithful, my first recommendation is Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I assure you this is not a spoof. Normally, I would appear to act noble by refusing to write a plot summary to prevent spoilers. I don’t even have have to pretend that here, as it’s too hard to summarise the “How?”, “Why?” and “WTF!” of a shark eating a commercial jetliner. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus occupied a special place in my list of bad movies. Until today, that is. Behold The Room – my second recommendation – written, directed, produced, and acted by Tommy Wiseau. You just have to see it. It has: Drug deals, involving drugs “just leave me alone!” Positive breast cancer results One (1) reasonably large CRT television thrown out of one (1) window Spoons (yes, spoons) Badly dubbed dialogue (no, the audio-video isn’t out of sync; it is as badly dubbed as it appears to be) Characters starting all conversation with “Oh hi, [character name]!” Rooftop chats held in front of a green-screen, instead of an actual roof Footballs thrown at short distances The director / actor – Tommy Wiseau – must have taken pep talks about received in childhood about ‘achieving your dreams’ too seriously. What a guy. He raises $6 million in funding “importing leather jackets from Korea” (lolwut?) and then films in both 35mm film and HD (because he couldn’t figure out what distinguished the two). Reading interviews given by Wiseau (he took the name because he thought it was French for ‘bird’) you wonder whether he is self-aware of how bad his work or genuinely deluded. (Nah, he comes across more as this naive but really ‘authentic’ guy who’s passionate about his dream. I do feel bad how some interviewers set him up to mock him underhandedly.) You can watch a ‘best scenes’ compilation that doesn’t truly do justice, or you could follow my advice and find your rock bottom benchmark for you personal movie rating scale. Have you seen anything so spectacularly bad that you would actually recommend people to watch it? I’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments section below....

The first short story I ever wrote (at age 9) was about a family of cockroaches after they survived a nuclear holocaust. This is not scary. What is scary is that I was writing about nuclear holocausts at age 9. Too much Discovery Channel. (Yeah yeah, I know, this is déjà vu for my Twitter / Facebook followers. I felt like sharing it with an extended audience, m’kay?) I’d kill anything to come up with ideas like that to write these days. Stuck in a rut. *** Fact: Merely looking at this Cannes Silver Lion award-winning advertisement puts on an FBI watchlist. Even if you live in a country outside of FBI jurisdiction. *** Sachin Tendulkar wearing “a large, khaki-colored, floppy hat. Like, that a lady would wear while gardening. This is apparently legal.” Billie Jean. And a “vital, passionate Afridi”. This is what you get when two Americans who’ve never watched cricket ‘live-blog’ an India vs Pakistan match months later. Cannot. Stop. Laughing. (via...

To be fair, this is probably not the supermarket’s fault; it’s more probable that some guy ditched it there. But let us think for a moment. Who, pray, is this poor sod who is forced to choose between fresh underwear and…Pepsi? The same poor sod whom the Lord himself reached down to from the heavens, and convinced to ditch dry Japanese beer for cheese instead? Perhaps it is an impoverished real-life crime fighter that we are dealing with here. You know, “the hero Singapore needs, not the hero it thinks it deserves, but the hero that it thinks that we think it needs to deserve, because it is time to deserve a hero…and things“. Thanks to ‘Eagle-Brand Capsicum Plaster’, even superheroes have quick and cheap ways to patch up gashing...

A critique of Rebecca Black’s song Friday that interprets it as radical text. And makes logical, reasoned statement why the Usher look-alike is a paedophile-pimp. ..Ms. Black first appears as her own computer-generated outline: wobbly, marginal, a dislocated erasure. The days of the week flip by accompanied by dull obligations—“essay due”—and tired clichés—“Just another manic Monday…” Her non-being threatens to be consumed by this virtual litany of nothing at all until, at long last—Friday… The best belly-ache inducing laughter I have had in a while. :D Well, that article, and Awkward Dancing...