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When you have a chronicly ill child, as I do, it puts morning sickness and missing late nights at the pub in perspective.

On Monday, my daughter will undergo major surgery. May is brain-damaged. The surgery will reconstruct her hips. There is a long explanation as to why her brain damage means she needs hip surgery, but in short – she never walked and so her hips didn’t develop properly.

My little girl. On Monday, I will give May a final bath, wrap her up warm, tuck her into the car and do something even I recognise as courageous. I will hand over her life to strangers.

May’s health is not the reason I want another baby. I don’t want one to take the place of her. I don’t want one that will take care of her in later life. I don’t want a baby who will entertain us when times are tough. I don’t want a baby to fill the pit of anxiety and despair within me. And, it exists.

I want a baby because that baby would be loved. We don’t yell at our children. We don’t spoil them or berate them or guilt-trip them. To feel that endless reserve of love and joy fill up inside us, that’s why I want another baby.

For the moments that reserve spills over into tickles. I want to share more ice cream. Wash more soft skin. Warm another body with woolen, hand-me-down jumper. Throw kisses. Point out birds. And more birds. I had no idea how many birds there were just outside our window until babies.

Baby, if you are there, I need to tell you something. Our lives are not easy. Our little May struggles. But she is loved, as you will be. She fills our lives with joy. As you will.

Is it so wrong that, at this time, I would want to fill my every existence with hope for the future? If this is a selfish reason to have a baby, than let me counter it with a thousand cuddles: for a job well done, a handmade card, a giggle at a joke, a look that reminds me of your father…

Give me this and I will give you a love back that will never diminish. All I ask for is a bit of hope.

Recent posts

Dear Stacie,
I don’t think you want a baby for the wrong reasons at all. They sound like the best reasons to me. 😉

My “surprise” twin boys are 14 months old, and just now waking up from their naps. They are “talking” and giggling with each other, and I am listening in on the monitor. It is absolutely the best sound ever.

I am wishing for you courage and comfort in the next week, a successful and a speedy recovery for May, and a new baby who will fill your family’s life with love, and who will get a whole lot of love in return.
Good luck!

http://www.mamalewis.com/ Stacie Lewis

Thank you Tracy – and I loved “hearing” the sound of your boys. Warmed my heart!

Celia Richardson

Good luck with baby project and with May’s op. my 6yo boy just had his ninth general anaesthetic. We r getting used to having to take leaps of faith and hand him over every time. It’s getting less scary. I love the thought of babies fitting round our lives!! Keep writing – glad you took time out from trolls….

Mel

I have tears in my eyes. This makes me want to cuddle my 16 month old extra hard but he’s too busy making music with an empty water bottle and a fork!

http://www.mamalewis.com/ Stacie Lewis

I want more comments like this. Glad to know that I’m not the only one who appreciates beautiful fork bottle music!

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