MISFIT DOC: SAFE WORKING ENVIRONMENT POLICY

§ When A Colleague Threatens to “Go Postal”

Applicability

Most employees (sometimes referred to as “you” or “she” for the purposes of this policy), except for those not included, whether intentionally or by accidental oversight, when Human Resources (sometimes referred to as “our” or “us” or “we” for the purposes of this policy) intentions were clearly to not include most employees (which should be inferred, preferably by intuition or the raised eyebrows and/or pouty faces made by immediate supervisors or colleagues in Human Resources).

It is the official policy that we will have a policy that is often alluded to and used, specifically, to defend this institution against its employees, lest employees be confused that the employer is here to help.

It is our policy to prohibit any form of unsafe work environment unless it suits the purposes of this employer and/or can be conducted with sufficient subterfuge and/or obfuscation. Employees are to be free (relatively) from unsafe work environments, but when management simply cannot help themselves, employees are expected to cower under their desks or suffer any indignation/ injustice in order to receive a paycheck. Please refer to the section titled Intention and Purpose of the Policy.

To put a fine point on this, in case employees are still confused, and we assume that you actually will not read this policy closely until you experience a (perceived) injustice, we remind you that this institution is an at-will employer, which means employees can be fired at any time for no reason, no justification, and without recourse. You, of course can also leave at any time, but we will blame you for things that were not your fault for a period of at least seven (7) years, or until we forget your name and resort to calling you euphemisms (e.g. “that girl who was, you know, a little ‘off’” and, at times, will also discuss your inappropriate wardrobe choices of linen pants and flowery blouses while calling you said euphemisms).

This policy is based on policies outlined in other state and federal laws, which shall not be outlined here, but employees are required to guess which laws may or may not be recognized by this institution. In the cases where employees cannot guess, the institution still will not be held liable for what you may or may not know, or may or may not guess. We reserve the right to refer to employees euphemistically in this situation as well.

Intention and Purpose of the Policy

The intention and purpose of this policy is to:

•prevent a lawsuit by an employee who feels she has experienced some form of imaginary unsafe work environment, because her supervisor pretended she did not see her co-worker yelling, screaming, and kicking doors and door jambs;

•prevent a lawsuit by an employee who feels she experienced some form of unsafe work environment when her colleague asked her who would be in the office when he went “postal.” She should have known that he was just kidding; and

•impose arbitrary sanctions and consequences for the employee, up to and including: making her feel that she is unrealistic and quite silly for asking for a safe work environment and that she is not a “team-player.”

If it seems as though the applicability, intentions, or purposes are being directed toward one employee in particular, this is simply a product of your imagination, and we will continue to reiterate this notion every time we wave at you and then turn quickly away to whisper to our colleague while we all stand in the same line at the coffee shop down the street. We are not sure why you thought you could take a coffee break anyway, and certainly not at the spot that we frequent.

Confidentiality

It is the obligation of Human Resources and management, to whom a concern or complaint is brought, to pretend that confidentiality will be maintained. If the employee discloses anything to Human Resources, two individuals must be present to take copious notes on yellow legal pads, so as to appear “official.” Then, the notes should be typed and shared with the immediate supervisor of the aggrieved employee so that she can ask her directly if this an exact representation of what she said to Human Resources, and, if so, asking why she is undermining her authority and/or hurting her feelings.

If it appears that the confidentiality has been broken in any situation, this institution is not responsible for your misinterpretation of our intention to be neither helpful nor confidential.

Early Intervention

All we ask is that you be a “good girl” and stop causing trouble. It really is that easy.

Responding to an Allegation

We prefer not to respond to your allegations, especially as it ruins our ability to undermine your self-worth at a future time during your employment at this institution. Most likely we will remind you that you are “over-reacting” (again). We may also suggest that you take a “much-needed vacation” because you are overly tired and imagining things.

Appeals

See “Confidentiality” section. Repeat process.

Murison writes, reads, and consumes too much coffee and dark chocolate in the high desert mountain town of Flagstaff, Arizona.