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5 Surefire Hiccough Remedies You’ve Never Heard

5. Backslaps

Almost as good as backstabs, you see your mate hicking and hacking and you render a blow as hard as possible to the back, just below the shoulder blades. That this will do no good I can guarantee, which is why in position the fifth it appears, and wager I shall that anyone who tries it will agree. Nevertheless a good excuse it renders unto whomever administers it thereto: That you were struck not by a foe but by one who wanted only that you should live furthermore. Hit him as hard as you can, without mercy, shoulders, spine, back of the head, let your imagination run wild.

4. Sugar

A dear friend of mine (I can’t remember which) once said: “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” Sometimes the sugar is, itself, the medicine in question. Find the largest spoon you can and hit up a “heaping pile” (technical term). This can be used for snowball fights, distilling rum, an excuse for a full-body strip-search at an airport, apnoea (see below) – let your imagination run wild.

3. Vinegar

Now you’re getting into the good stuff. Don’t lie: you’ve got a bottle of rouge you’ve been keeping corked for far longer than you should’ve. Reach into the back of the cabinet and pull it out. Careful now! You don’t want to knock over any of your Palinka. That’s the way. Whip it out. This will cure just about any hiccough related ailments, especially hiccoughs themselves!

2. Fear

I’ve been lying this whole time. Actually there is no cure for hiccoughs and you’ll be doing this for the rest of your life. You’ve failed your loved ones and the people you think respect you actually think you’re a bit disappointing. JKS! I crafted a lie to make you scared! Notice how your hiccoughs are all gone. The element of Fear is the primary element – above Earth, Fire, Wind, Water or Heart.

1. Apnoea

What you don’t seem to understand is that hiccoughs is about breathing. All you need to do is hold you breath. Lie down somewhere in the dark. Imagine that the sadness you feel is actually something external to you, perhaps even a form of empathy. Yes, you have just consumed two litres of Polish mocne. Yes, your parents are ashamed of you. No, your flat is not about to be invaded by the Russian Mafia. No, you don’t have to pay that electricity bill in one wire transfer. You are safe, and no-one can make you do anything. Do you understand why? Meditate for three fucking seconds and your ailment shall disappear just like your self-esteem did about five years ago. Welcome to the real world, dipshit.

Bonus: More Apnoea

If you can’t hold your breath long enough, get a machine to do it for you, just like you get a machine to do everything else in your life. See http://www.animatedknots.com/noose/ for a “fun and easy way” to do yourself and everyone else a favour.