Guest post week starts with some words from fellow University of Maryland grad, Hippie Cahier. Even though she knows what a Cahier is, she has elected to write this entire post in English. I appreciate that gesture because I am strictly monolingual. Let’s see what she’s parlez voused for us, then go visit her blog.

Thanks so much, Hipster!

It goes without saying that it is my great honor and privilege, indeed the highlight of my blogging experience thus far, to have the opportunity to blogsit today while Omawarisan is off doing other things. I said it anyway.

Why? Because I say things. It’s just who I am.

You may be a little nervous wondering how I could possibly pull this off. What are your blogsitting credentials, you might ask. I’ll do my best to overlook the fact that your question is not properly punctuated.

You’re so right. I have no idea what I’m doing.

For the duration of this guest post, lions and tigers and bears are the least of their problems. (Photo: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, via Examiner.com)

What if I flip the wrong switch or push the wrong button and before you know it, I’ve nuked Kansas? This could be bad.

I have no beef with Kansas. It seems like a fine place. Dorothy liked it. And her little dog, too.

While it’s important, especially in terms of sunflower production, the well-being of the fine people of Kansas isn’t my greatest concern.

I know you come here for the funny, insightful writing. Like me, you’ve come to expect evocative stick-figure dramatizations, in-depth art criticism, and the common sense policies of a future Administration that will make Camelot seem like a rest stop on the NJ Turnpike (no disrespect), not to mention the cutting edge cinematography. I mentioned it anyway.

Why? Because I mention things. I believe we’ve been over that. Good grief, I’m losing you already.

The thing is you have expectations. A standard has been set. If I’m going to do this, I need to bring my A game.

It’s times like these that I wish I had an A game.

The truth of the matter is this is my first guest post. I’m used to hiding behind my own dashboard. Often in situations like this it helps to go to what you do know. So I decided to borrow from my dogsitting experience.

Get it? Blogsitting. Dogsitting? I know, I know. It lacks the creativity and ingenuity of a singing desk prank . I’ll give you that.

I’m no mathematician, but if you carry the 2 and multiply by pi, the standard deviation is only a couple of letters, so blogsitting and dogsitting are practically the same, right?

Right.

I’m feeling better already.

I’m not really a dogsitter (or a hippie or a hipster or French or an artist or a Navy SEAL), but I have known and loved many a canine and my friends are kind enough to allow me to spend time with theirs while they go off on fun adventures. I have cool friends. Who go off on fun adventures. And leave me at home to take care of . . . hmmm. . . .

Moving on . . .

Back to your non-punctuated question vis a vis my blogsitting credentials: so far, to the best of my knowledge no dogs, few humans, and only one or two throw pillows have been harmed in my dogsitting history. Also, I’m fairly confident there have been no nuclear incidents . . . yet.

Here are a few things I’ve learned from some of my cool friends and their very cool dogs that have helped me through this very, very cool blogsitting gig:

Learn and abide by the established routine.

Within reason.

Some dogs live a very regimented lifestyle. Up before dawn and out on a walk, followed by breakfast, a little play time, another quick walk, etc. Other dogs have a more free-range lifestyle. Up before dawn, go to the self-feeding bowl, pounce on the cat, root through the unfolded laundry, jump on the bed to nudge the sleeping dogsitter, etc.

It’s good to know and respect the routine of the home you’re in. That’s not so much for the dog. I find that dogs are generally happy that you’re there and they’ll adjust. It’s

You should see this on video. It’s adorable.

more for the dog-owner, especially the regimented dog owner who’s going to come home, take inventory of the dog food and the Cheese Nips™ and know that lines were crossed.

Some blogs are published on regular schedules and include regular features. Others are more free-range and publish when the blogger has something to say.

All I can say is I’m glad it’s not Sunday because I have no idea how to make one of those groovy videos about watching paint dry. I can only hope that during my watch there’s no breaking news about colorful dictators or international criminals.

Household rules: Trust, but verify.

Along the same lines as the household routine, one must also know and enforce the rules the dog or dogs in question are expected to follow. And again, it’s usually the more regimented dog owner who’s sure to know that enforcement was lackadaisical. One dog hair on the couch is enough to ruffle some feathers, if you’ll pardon the mixed metaphor.

When I’m not sure of the exact rules in a given home, I tend to pick up on cues from the dog. I happen to know that my German Shepherd friend is not allowed on the couch, but even if I didn’t know this, I would be able to pick up on it by the way he looks at the couch and steers clear of it.

I know some Doberman Pinschers who are not only allowed on the couch but do so to the inconvenience of any humans who might want a seat, leaving the half dozen or so dog beds around the house in almost brand-new and unused condition.

Really, I’m allowed on the couch. No, really!

And then there’s the Goldendoodle. You can pretty much guarantee that a Goldendoodle is going to tell you just about anything with that fluffy face and whether you believe her or not, you’ll go with whatever she says.

Blogs don’t sit on couches or climb up on the bed or beg for table scraps. Some have established rules and standards and others just have an established tone.

I like to think I have a sense of the tone here. In fact, it’s one reason I’ve been a follower for so long: I like the sense of community and respectful, polite interaction while having fun that to me are the cornerstone principles of Blurt. I hope I’ve upheld that unspoken rule. It’s a good one.

Bring your own food.

It’s generally easier on everyone if you stay in the dog’s home while his cool owners are off doing very cool things and you’re there hiding all evidence that the dog has been on the couch, staying up past bedtime playing video games. If you’re able to do that, it’s also a generally good idea to bring your own food.

Not only does it fall within the guidelines of polite guest behavior not to eat your host/hostess out of house and home, but it might keep you from going hungry if your very cool friend is oh, say, a nutritionist, and has a refrigerator stocked full of really healthy food, which means there’s absolutely nothing in this house to eat.

I’ve never been asked to guest post for a food blog, and it’s highly unlikely that I ever will receive such a fine invitation. Food has been mentioned here from time to time. I’ve never had a Cuban sandwich, for example, but I dream of them regularly. I have had a pumpkin spice latte, so that’s one issue where Omawarisan, or Hot O, and I agree to disagree.

All that said, I’ll bet there are some doughnuts around here somewhere. If you promise not to tell, I’m off to find one and share it with a certain Goldendoodle. Let’s just keep that between us, shall we?

All we are is (preferably non-radioactive) dust in the wind.

. . . . .

I’m getting ready to click “Publish,” but before I do, I’d like to apologize ahead of time to the good people of Kansas and to thank the good people of Blurt for reading to this point. Peace out.

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If I hadn't written this, I would use these to tell people I'd read it.

That is such an English major conundrum. What exactly does belated modify? I struggle with it every time. (And thank you!)

Molly is indeed real . . and Goldendoodle . . .. and puppy. When I asked her parents (MacGyver & The Mrs.) for permission to use her picture they said, in unison, “Only if you promise to take her. Please, take Molly. You can have her.” They were kidding. Exhausted, but kidding. I think.

Now that you’ve established your cred for dog-sitting and blog-sitting, come on by and we’ll give you a try as a cat-sitter for Dixie Rose, Center of the Universe and Queen of All She Surveys. On the other hand, maybe we’ll let you just stay here with the doughnuts. I can guarantee it’s less stressful.

So, let me get this straight. Blogs don’t let their hair get all over the couch, they eat doughnuts when nobody’s looking, and they go walkies at times to suit themselves? Sheesh, I’d better keep an eye on mine. Before you know it, it’ll be pawing at the door and chasing frisbees!

First of all, the dog-sitting and blog-sitting comparison is top-notch. I am in love with the idea of blog-sitting now. I wonder if I can convince someone to let me blog-sit but then do the opposite of everything you’re saying. I’d go for the Doritos first, and by that I mean their widgets. “Click here to unsubscribe” and “Now Voted Worst Blog by Readers Everywhere!”

And I suspected that was a ‘doodle; I know their kind well. My dog won’t even ‘sit’ if he’s on the concrete, lest such a rough surface touch his delicate derriere.