Whoever the Daily Caller’s managing editor is, probably “Cactus Joe” or some such, made a pretty amateurish pacing error today. Trolling the president with a dumb question and then lying about it is great “content,” yes, but not if you run it on the same day that you’re running the most profound insight into political theory since Plato/Jesus. Now it’s buried right before the weekend, fools! But that’s okay, we’ll do our part to help it go viral anyway. Columnist Mark Judge, who recently had his bike stolen by an unknown suspect and then decided that he didn’t like black people in general, has a few thoughts on baseball. How does baseball intersect with politics today? In the form of 19-year-old Nationals player Bryce Harper, the subject of “Bryce Harper, conservative hero.”

The first sentence of “Bryce Harper, conservative hero” is “Bryce Harper is a conservative hero.” Why? “The star rookie for the Washington Nationals has woken up Major League Baseball, and watching it unfold has reminded me of nothing so much as the collapse of the old political paradigms and the inevitable and upcoming rebirth of conservatism in November.” This is what Bryce Harper’s success has reminded him of more than any other possible thing. Bryce Harper’s success doesn’t remind him of Willie Mays, or Ken Griffey Jr., or what it was like when he, Mark Judge, was 19 years old, or the first baseball game he ever saw, or the best World Series he ever saw, or that time a black feller (probably) took his bicycle, or other sports he likes to watch, or anything else as much as it’s reminded him of the “collapse of the old political paradigms and the inevitable and upcoming rebirth of conservatism in November.” It’s like that time he found a lost Cheetoh stuck to his taint and it reminded him of the Defenestration of Prague.

This became clear to me on May 26 of this year.

What happened on May 26 of this year, the year Two Thousand and Twelve?

The Nationals were playing Atlanta, and in the fifth inning Harper, with his team leading by two, singled to right.

Did he really?

The ball was hit to Braves right fielder Jason Heyward.

Wow it was?

Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were walking to the corner for a paper.

Just like he’s getting the papers, great. And then what happened?

Harper promptly headed for second base.

The second base, this is the one for which he headed?

Heyward suddenly woke up and fired to second base, but too late.

Smart baserunning decision from Bryce Harper, you’re right. Thanks for sharing. He sounds like an exciting baseball player and I look forward to watching him play baseball, now. If you don’t have anything else to add–

Heyward’s bungle showed a complacency, if not indolence, that Harper threatens to destroy, but it also could be a metaphor for the collapse of the old liberal order.

And how could it be a metaphor for the collapse of the old liberal order, Mark Judge? Because — and no disrespect meant, Mr. Judge, you’re a great writer who’s helped us see the light on numerous occasions; when a person of unknown race stole your bicycle and you appropriately blamed the 12.5% of the national population who are African-Americans, we totally “saw what you were getting at” — because it seems sort of strained, to be honest. Like you’re just going to say “DERP DERP the lazy outfielder is like a UNION THUG TEACHER or MAYBE OBAMA” for your explanation. Sorry, that’s over-the-top and condescending. Whatcha got?

Heyward was like one of those public school teachers who, because they are a union member, can’t be fired and so are relegated to the “rubber room” to sit and read the paper and gather a check for the rest of their lives. Or even Obama, who went from Hawaii to Harvard to the White House and never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life.

You can read the last 3/4 of the column at the media outlet that published it and actually wanted people to read it, The Daily Caller.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

"slide head-first into a base"
Judging from his college poetry, pretty sure the president did that on several occasions.

redarmybarbie

President Obama can slide into my base any day of the week.

Mark Judge, by contrast, can go get a golf cleat shoved up his ass.

Nostrildamus

I'm picturing him sliding head-first into Michelle right now.
BRB

seans_reading

And of course, not to get too literal, but unless you've got the speed to steal bases, pretty much every slide is going to be feet first. Head first is what little leaguers dream about (myself included when I was that age), feet first is what pros do.

Judge's next subject for adoration will be John Rocker who now has a column at WorldNetDaily. Then one on king baseball wingnut and bankrupt CEO Curt Schilling.

viennawoods13

You scared me with that Mike Judge thing- isn't it Mark Judge? I just googled because I couldn't believe that Mr King of the Hill would write for the Daily Caller.

Swampgas_Man

The column DOES read like either Beavis and/or Butthead wrote it, however.

Buckminster

It reads like 90 percent of the idiotic "Letters to the Editor" I get from right wing think tanks. Needless to say, if they aren't signed by real people that I can contact, the letters go in File 13, not in my newspaper.

Typically, they start out, "Dear Libral Asshole Editor." At that point, I generally quit reading and go take a morning "constitutional."

Butch_Wagstaff

Letters to the Editor? Do people still write those?
I just assumed that now they just posted hateful rage-filled misogynist/racist/homophobic/Bible verse quotin' comments on web sites.

not that Radio

They still write those. They're just like hateful rage-filled misogynist/racist/homophobic/Bible verse quotin' comments on web sites, only you can't respond to them.

I believe this boys been playing with his bat and balls too much. Should check out a catchers mitt.

Beowoof

And they say Athletes are dumb. This writer takes unfounded conclusions to a new level. I think he could be a prosecutor in Selma, Alabama.

CapnRadio

Of course Heyward just strolled up to the ball. He's a blah, after all.

mwittier

He was being all casual, because he was going to steal it.

Or shiftless and lazy. Either one works.

SmutBoffin

Finally, someone to take over John Rocker's job.

Crap, somebody made that joke earlier. How's about "I bet George Will 'shared' this crappy column on Facebook."

Schmannnity

Wow. He got to second base? Conservative Hero Feels Breast.

tessiee

But the wings and thighs continue to elude him.

shortsandpants

"AND WHAT ARE WE DOING FOR THE WHITE MIDDLE CLASS MAJORITY? NOTHING. WE CAN DO NOTHING AT ALL BECAUSE OF BLACK PEOPLE."

Majority rule, bitches. Judge understands what happens when you let minorities play baseball. Jackie Robinson led the way to Rosa Parks and MLK, which of course— according to Judge— ended the good of humanity as we know it. He may be ONTO something, or ON something. Steroids?

PubOption

More like bath salts.

http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

The rise of conservatism, the death of logic.

CapnRadio

It's like that old saying: if you want to keep your mind off of prematurely finishing your metaphors for the rise of conservatism and the collapse of the liberal world order, think of baseball.

not that Radio

Please tell your doctor if the rise of conservatism lasts for more than four decades.

sullivanst

I'm sure race played no part in his assignation of the roles of liberal to Heyward and conservative to Harper.

Doktor Zoom

You liberals always play the race card. Who's the real racist, huh?

tessiee

Yup, just like it plays no part in his opposition to President Obama.

bobbert

Obama is not like Rmoney, who recurrently dives head first into his money bin.

bflrtsplk

Second base? Most conservative heroes are born on third base. Who`s the lazy one here?

Oh, but the kicker is his final paragraph, where he drags his dead Grandpa into it:

Harper reminds me of my own grandfather, Joe Judge, who played first base for the Senators from 1915 to 1932. Like Harper, Judge was left-handed and was a scrappy and aggressive player. His career spanned two eras, the dead ball era (1900 to 1919) and the live ball era, from 1920 on, when home runs became much more prevalent. When Babe Ruth arrived in New York in 1919 and baseball changed some rules — including using new balls in every game so you could actually see what you were swinging at — Joe Judge could have insisted that this wasn’t fair, that Major League Baseball was stealing his livelihood, and that Ruth’s ungodly salary represented the one percent. He could have occupied Griffith Stadium.

Instead, he accepted that the old way of doing things was gone, and it wasn’t coming back. And he helped the Senators win the World Series in 1924.

And look what you've done with your life by comparison! A frequently-mocked columnist on Daily Caller! You are so special!

sullivanst

WTF?

That makes even less sense than his colleague did shouting at a cloud the President.

Dudleydidwrong

Cream rises to the top until it sours. In his case it didn't have far to rise or long to wait.

Rotundo_

Septic tanks function in basically the same fashion: only the big chunks rise to the top.

Chichikovovich

He could have occupied Griffith Stadium. / Instead…

He played baseball in the stadium without occupying it? Grandpa Judge was some kind of superman!

spinozasgod

or a total whimp who accepted the shit and said "thank you".

Guppy

Schrodinger's baseman.

tessiee

"Instead, he accepted that the old way of doing things was gone, and it wasn’t coming back."

If only the entire Republican Party (and their corporate masters) could do the same.

mwittier

"…he was a crappy and aggressive player…"

Oh, scrappy. I just assumed… genetics and all.

PuckStopsHere

I think he wrote the entire piece just so he could call Heyward (what's this? His 3rd year in the Bigs? He's all of 22, you know) "indolent" which (when applied to a blah and when would you ever otherwise have occasion to use it?) means "lazy nigger" to these people. Did I say "fuck this guy" yet? Because, fuck this guy.

coolhandnuke

Judge displays the writing skills of a ten-year-old bigot trying to mimic George Will.

What a craptastic role model to have. I think I just threw up a hairball.

coolhandnuke

A creepy uncle gave me one of Will's baseball books for X-mas years ago. It was a good way to fall asleep when the booze was ineffective. The only thing I took away from that impotent read was that Will's connection to baseball is in the fetish zone.

bobbert

But you repeat yourself.

http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

Didn't Mark Judge write and direct "Idiocracy"?

Generation[redacted]

Sounds like he's still writing it. Are there Brawndo ads on his blog?

tessiee

I think he inspired it.

MadBrahms

This counts as expert analysis, if only because Judge is clearly a man who has never gotten past second base.

Jason Heyward in general is playing above-average right-field defense this year, worth +15 total runs saved per year.

Bryce Harper is playing all over the outfield, but for apples-to-apples we can look just at right-field, which conveniently happens to be where he's played the most. He's playing below average defense in right, costing -11 Rtot/year.

The daily caller gives a whole new meaning to the term "breaking news."

Buckminster

The daily caller gives a whole new meaning to the term "breaking wind and calling it a column."

AlaskaGrrl

Mark Judge's column is a perfect example for the paucity of intellect at the Daily Caller and the rest of the right wing blogs. Young white men vaguely angry at not being recognized as being the entitled and chosen ones their mommies always told them they were. They are angry because now that a black man IS president of the US of A, well where does that leave them? They will now have to prove their ability instead of just coasting along on being white and how is that even fair?

And he doesn't know shit about baseball either,

Buckminster

My 13 year old neighbor girl knows more about baseball than this moron. Steerike three, columnist.

tessiee

"Young white men vaguely angry at not being recognized as being the entitled and chosen ones their mommies always told them they were."

No offense to any of the lovely gentlemen of wonkette who are of the Caucasian persuasion, but there's a group of suburban white boys who feel terribly, terribly victimized when they have to deal — even once — with the issues that blacks, Hispanics, women, and people who make under $100K a year assume as a given on a daily basis.

sullivanst

Hell, they even go looking desperately for sympathy about the problems the other groups you identify wished they had, like, for example, the fact that they'll have to pay income tax on their $100 million IRA when they retire.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Remember Ann Rmoney confiding to the press that she knew what it was to struggle — after all, she and Mitt had to sell some of their stocks to make it through school? I'd like to print that out and send a copy to every single young wo/man who had to peddle ass or sell their labour at three lousy jobs or scrub floors to make it through the day. Bitch doesn't know the MEANING of the heartbreak of psoriasis.

sullivanst

Anyone who didn't think it was possible for a candidate to be more out of touch than John "I don't know how many houses I own" McCain has been quite emphatically proven wrong, haven't they?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Indeedy!

Doktor Zoom

During spring training years ago, I saw Kenny Lofton make a really sweet catch in center field of Tucson's old Hi Corbett Field (since closed, alas). It made me think of Lyndon Johnson's masterful–if strong-armed–rounding up of votes to gain passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. And then I saw Jim Abbott pitch a few innings, and that reminded me of how Audie Murphy won a medal for wiping out the entire crew of a German machine-gun nest.

Oh, and I saw Harry Caray at a Cubs game in Phoenix. That made me think of the fire-bombing of Dresden for some reason.

CapnRadio

Well, no doubt Caray himself was bombed, so there you go.

coolhandnuke

Hi Corbett has been remodeled and is back in business. It is now the home park for the U of A. I saw many a Tucson Toro (AAA) game in my youth. My dad was the official scorer.

Doktor Zoom

Oh, that makes me happy…does that mean that the UA's old ballfield, across the street from the f'ball stadium, has been turned into another parking structure or something?

coolhandnuke

It's been three years since I set foot in Tucson so I can't tell you what's become of the old ball field. I do know that the U of A women's softball team out-draws the mens' baseball team in attendance every year.

kissawookiee

Two days after the fact, but: Sancet Field still stands, and I think is used for practice. The baseball team's attendance has been up since moving to Hi Corbett, since off-campus = BEER!

Nostrildamus

I remember Mickey Mantle being so hung-over in a game in the sixties that he hit two balls out of the park with one swing of his bat. He reminds me of several of us here at Wonkette.

tessiee

Whose two balls were they?

Doktor Zoom

(You know, because he did it single-handedly)

TribecaMike

I saw Willie Mays play against the Cleveland Indians at High Corbett. Just a preseason game, but I'll never forget it. I loved that place, especially the old broads drinking their beers and having fun.

OldWhiteLies

Need some help. This post reminded me that there is a name (a person's name methinks, like, hey he JohnQPublic'd that guy) for this paragraph by paragraph (sometimes sentence by sentence) mocking dissection of another op-ed or article. Anybuddy member what (who) that is (was). Recall it being a sports writer, but could be wrong. Read about the tactic on Gin & Tacos years back, the author of which employed it himself mercilessly, often. Sensuous Curmudgeon does this weekly, too.

PubOption

I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for, but there was a blog 'Fire Joe Morgan', which ridiculed bad sports journalism.

http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

Uh, "Fisking?"

Pithaughn

Teachers are never fired? That would be big news to the dozens my father fired over his stormy 45 year career in education. What a dipshit this columnist person is. There is a "column " in our local rag today that is very long on insults, name calling and innuendo, but not one single numerical fact. I can't believe editors or publishers allow a column about jobs and the economy to not contain any factual data to support the "columnists" ideas about how great it would be to extend billionaires tax cuts, harass public employees and so forth.
Meanwhile some telephone "union thugs" have been splicing a 1200 pair cable in 99 degree heat all day. Now that is dedication.
I know, I get a C-, disjointed and no conclusion of the opening premise, so shoot me, its Friday, and its freaking 99 degrees!!

If Mike's lame and lazy column was really a metaphor for what a clueless and uninspired hack Mike Judge is, then I'd be saying Pulitzer.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

So, let me get this straight, a team from Washington DC, the seat of the federal government, defeats a team from Atlanta…, literally burns them to the ground, and this is somehow a metaphor for the rise of the Conservative movement? I guess if you look at the modern Conservative movement as the same as the Klan.

CapnRadio

literally burns them to the ground

I know baseball wants to try to compete with the high-impact action of football, but holy shit, that's harsh.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Yeah, and it is the Nationals, so I'm probably stretching my analogy a wee bit, but, hell, given the article…..

Now I want to see MLB go on strike and see Bryce Harper, front and center, trying to keep the scab players from entering the stadium. Simply because I want to see if Mark Judge will hang himself from the bleacher seats at the thought of his new hero being in the union.

JustPixelz

OT, but some kind of Home Schooling Convention is taking place here in Hartford. Parents and kids are wandering around the convention hall, which is chock full of "knowledge transfer sessions" — that's what the home schoolers call 'em — about the value of Bible-based algebra, and so forth.

The convention center is right next door to the Connecticut Science Center which has big show going on about dinosaurs. They have a couple "life size" inflatable dinosaurs outside. The parents covered their kids' eyes. But I could the devolution taking place.

As far as I know, the only reason people home school is to prevent their kids from learning about things that aren't in the Bible. Like evolution, calculus, the periodic table, chemistry (aside from alchemy) and gayness.

But home schooled kids score somewhat higher on SATs and are more likely to go to college. Never mind that this is a self-selected group of students (those with highly motivated parents). To me, this kind of success teaches the value of small class size; let's say two-to-one. Conseritives like to say class size is irrelevant. But here's are some real-world results. Can they evolve to support more teachers? For the kids.

TribecaMike

Yikes, but I know a couple who home-schooled their daughter until high school, and she's turned out to be a smart, well-rounded person who's heading to a good college in a few months. But her parents are on the leftie side.

mirrorballdc

Man, reading that made my brain feel like Bryce Harper's face when he hits it with a baseball bat.

Steverino247

What do you do with a douchebag with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the RINO.

el_donaldo

Did Judge send the "reporter" troll to the press conference to ask Obama if he knew the guy that stole Judge's bike?

TribecaMike

Recent historical scholarship has proven that Bill Buckner's error in game six of the 1986 World Series brought about the end of the Middle Ages.

cheetojeebus

God, i hope they don't make a movie out of this flimsy shit. Tho, They'd be fools not to, it perfectly evinces the current low intellectual threshold for discourse in this sad waning republic.

Native_of_SL_UT

Baseball bin berry berry good to me.

Nostrildamus

An outbreak of beriberi would be good for The Daily Caller.

Not_So_Much

The comments are giving Judge all the kudos he deserves for pooping this thing out.

ttommyunger

This little turd has been spending too much time playing "catch" with George "Fuckface" Will, if you get my drift…

Dashboard Buddha

"never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life"

One point…

He doesn't have to slide head-first into a base because he has been able to slide head-first into Michelle.

Base – 0
Michelle -1

CivicHoliday

My home-town Cardinals insane come-from-behind million-to-one World Series win in 2011 is representative of how squirrels will someday rule the world. They even put it in the rings.

CapnRadio

If Bryce Harper were a true Conservative Hero, upon arriving at second base, he would have demanded to see Braves shortstop Andrelton Simmons's immigration papers.

Selfish_T

This reminds me of the time when Howie Long recovering a Randall Cunningham fumble foretold the 1994 midterm elections.

BarackMyWorld

Wow….a political metaphor using baseball so dumb George Will didn't come up with it.

Schmegeg

WTF, is George Will looking for an intern, too?

tessiee

"The first sentence of “Bryce Harper, conservative hero” is “Bryce Harper is a conservative hero.”"

This is like when you have to do a book report in fifth grade, and you haven't read the book, so you pad the hell out of the report and hope that nobody will notice:
"Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson: Treasure Island is a book written by Robert Louis Stevenson, who is the author of the book Treasure Island"

tessiee

Damn it, I WAS EATING CHEETOS!!!

tessiee

“The star rookie for the Washington Nationals has woken up Major League Baseball, and watching it unfold has reminded me of nothing so much as the collapse of the old political paradigms and the inevitable and upcoming rebirth of conservatism in November.”

Aside from all the logical, syntactic, and ideological nightmares contained within this sentence…
you can't be "reminded" of something that hasn't happened yet, fucktard.

tessiee

"Heyward’s bungle showed a complacency, if not indolence"

Why, what a delightful single entendre!
And speaking of the pot calling the kettle urban, how lazy is Judge, that he doesn't even bother with the standard dogwhistles?

tessiee

"Blah blah blah, sports bullshit, sports bullshit, sports bullshit, sports bullshit, white guy hits ball and runs around bases, black guy walks down to the corner to buy a newspaper, black guy was too slow to tag him out, because Those People are lazy, and that's why we're going to win in November, with guys like Romney who have never had anything handed to them."

I have a sincere moral conviction that Mark Judge owes me money, because I had to read through a bunch of boring sports bullshit just to get to the point of the story, which was that Mark Judge is stupid and racist, which I already knew anyway.

However, it could have been worse. It could have been football-related sports bullshit instead of baseball-related sports bullshit, so because I am a beautiful person, I will go easy on Mark Judge and allow him to bring me the money he owes me in crisp, neat stacks of bills, rather than rolls of pennies.

tessiee

MATTINGLY! SHAVE OFF THOSE SIDEBURNS!!

tessiee

"Obama, who went from Hawaii to Harvard to the White House and never seems to have had to slide head-first into a base his entire life."

I am the anti-sports fan, so forgive me if this is a stupid question, but is "sliding head-first into base" an actual thing? All the pictures I've ever seen of anyone sliding into base show the runner sliding into base feet first. Is there some significance to head first, or does Mark Judge not understand how baseball is supposed to work, or what?*

*PS This reminds me of when somebody asked Stokely Carmichael what was the position of women in the movement, and he supposedly answered, "Prone". It was a pretty clever answer, but I could never figure out whether he really meant "supine", or what.

beezie687

Sure, runners slide head first into the bases all the time, but it's generally not a good idea, since it leaves them more vulnerable to injury. Sliding with your leg first is less dangerous than leading with your arms or head.

Maybe there's your Teabagger metaphor–they are flailing wildly around the diamond, trying to steal as many bases as they can before they're thrown out with a well-timed throw (or they slide face-first into Dan Uggla's cleats, whichever comes first.)

"Supine" is actually the exact opposite of "prone", but I think Stokely's point was the "lying down" more than anything else. For a lot of those guys, misogyny was a defense against white people's emasculation of black men. Suffering don't always make you noble.

tessiee

No, I get that he meant that the proper position of women was as sexual servants (those were simpler times, huh?).
I also get that "prone" means "face down" and "supine" means "face up".
What I was never sure about was whether Stokely *meant* "supine" and just used "prone" incorrectly (or possibly because "prone" is a funnier word, with the plosive hard consonant?), or whether he preferred sex with women in a prone position, and was telling us more than he realized.

Most importantly, baseball is god-awful boring, isn't it? I get more satisfaction out of reading that the White Sox are playing well than I would out of wasting my time watching a game.

sullivanst

Most often the head-first slide is when a runner is going back to their base on a pickoff move by the pitcher. You also sometimes see runners slide head-first into second when they're trying to steal a base, especially if they're named Jose Reyes – the Mets spent years trying to teach him not to do that, but never managed it.

Video analysis has confirmed that sliding head-first doesn't get you there any faster than sliding feet-first and common sense, confirmed by injury statistics, says feet-first is much safer. Plus feet-first is better at breaking up double-plays.

tessiee

"Heyward strolled up to the ball as if he were walking to the corner for a paper."

*buzzer sound*
ENNTTTTTT!!!
Wrong!
The *old Italian guy* walks down to the corner for a paper and some cigars.
The *black guy* walks down to the corner for a pack of Kools and a malt liquor.
This Judge asshat can't even get his stereotypes right.

TribecaMike

I think he was alluding to his own father, who walked out to the corner store for a paper one day and never came back.

How can something remind you of something that has not happened yet except in your own mind and in reality is not likely to?

hippie13

Next week: My son's tee-ball team explains the UN

http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

Tucker Carlson, enuf said?!

mayor_quimby

The buried lede is that Jason Heyward is black, and thus lazy. Duh. And he's not Latin black, he Atlanta native black. (he also hit a home run on his first major league swing, pretty sweet)
This exhausts my knowledge about the braves.

this is my favorite line: "Manager Davey Johnson tries to bench him for being hurt, and Harper confronts him and says, like a person with enough dignity to refuse welfare: Let me work. Then he wins the game with a crucial hit."

gingerland62

I think the perfect game pitched by Matt Cain representing the hedonistic, commie, gay, vegetarian hippy town of San Fran is a metaphor for the occupy movements determination.