Shikarcamp

All incidents are true; the timeline and events leading to the writer encountering various characters in some stories (especially the ones about yore) may be fictitious. Shooter has made his best attempt to keep people's identities confidential. The purpose of the blog is not to hurt or judge people but to provide an insight into an era gone forever and never to return.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Australia's decision to ban the import of lion trophies puzzles me. I'm still not sure of what this ban is trying to achieve.

It sure sounds good:

Greg Hunt (That’s
his name, no pun intended), the environment minister, said he had signed an
order to prevent the import of the gruesome hunting trophies, effective
immediately.

The trophies
are often derived from an artificial type of slaughter, mostly taking place in
South Africa, called “canned hunting”. Captive-bred lions are put into
enclosures where tourists pay thousands of dollars for the dubious privilege of
shooting them with guns or crossbows.

The trophies
are often derived from an artificial type of slaughter, mostly taking place in
South Africa, called “canned hunting”. Captive-bred lions are put into
enclosures where tourists pay thousands of dollars for the dubious privilege of
shooting them with guns or crossbows.

“It is about raising the most majestic of
creatures for a singular purpose and that is to kill them, to shoot them for
pleasure and for profit,” Hunt said.

“It is done in inhumane conditions. It is involving things such
as raising and then drugging and in many cases, baiting. It is simply not
acceptable in our day, in our time, on our watch.”

Hunt said Liberal MP Jason Wood initially raised the issue with
him and that he hoped other countries would adopt similar measures to help
prevent the decline of lion numbers.

Campaign
director Michael Kennedy said the African lion was a vulnerable species facing
a high risk of extinction in the wild.

"As a
nation that imports lion trophies Australia has an important role to play in
helping stop further demand for them," Mr Kennedy said.

"A ban
on the import of trophies from African lions by Australia sends an important
signal internationally that Australia is not willing to support the possible
extinction of African lions."

So Mr. Hunt makes three assumptions here:

1) Canned hunting causes the lion population to decline

2) Banning canned hunting will lead to stopping the decline

3) Banning the trophy import will stop this cruelty.

So going by Mr. Hunt's logic, if lions bred for the sole purpose of slaughter get slaughtered, this leads to a decimation of the wild lion population.

How exactly?

By the same logic,

Slaughtering pigs in pig farms leads to wild boar population decline.

Killing cows in abattoirs leads to bisons being decimated.

Killing goats for food leads to a decline in ibex population.

Hmmmm maybe he has discovered something I didnt know.

4) (Just for the sake of argument). He assumes these "most majestic" of animals are killed for a singular purpose and that is to kill them, to shoot them for pleasure and for profit.

How is this different from raising cows of slaughter for the sole purpose of killing them, profiting from them, eating them, using their skins to make handbags and shoes?

The only difference it seems is that lions are more "majestic". (It cant be that they are wild as we are talking about canned hunting). Mr. Hunt how do you define majestic? I may find a sheep more majestic than a lion; will you ban the big sheep industry in Australia?

1.2 Billion Hindus find the cow more sacred than the lion. Will you ban the Australian cattle industry?

Anyways, coming back to lions,How does stopping canned hunting save the wild lions from extinction? Doesnt a breeding program take the pressure off the natural occurring population and actually stop the decline?

There are dozens of examples that having commercially bred animals saved that species' population.

In addition to cow, dog, goat, sheep, chicken, pig, we have pheasant, chukar populations in the UK as examples.Also see the video about the scimitar horned oryx.

All experts agree that the biggest reasons for lion number reductions are poaching and habitat destruction.

Shouldn't we ban them instead?

Oh hold on, poaching is banned already. What about habitat destruction? Depending on ones definition, its either banned or a result of industrialization/ overpopulation and numerous other factors that one can not simply ban.

Also he has banned all lion trophies, both canned and free range (say hunted in Tanzania for instance).

I would understand if he had stated that he feels canned hunting is cruel and unethical and they will ban all canned hunt trophies or trophies from countries that allow canned hunting. Or he could also have said that his government does not approve of any lion hunting. But no; in a typical government cookie cutter hypocrisy, he had to state it is being done to protect the wild lion population.

So lets hear what Mikkel Legarth, a non-hunter, a former anti-hunting campaigner, founder of Modisa, a charity in Africa to protect lions, says about lion hunting.

I know politicians are not always right. But to get things so wrong and giving wrong reasons to people about the reasons for their decisions can only mean two things:Mr Hunt is a liar.

or

He has no understanding of his own area of supposed expertise (environment ministry). This also means he is stupid because he cant see his logic is twisted and neither has he cared to ask someone who knows.I rest my case.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

So, it was kind of
a boring Saturday afternoon with nothing much to do, other than sit around and surf
the net. Since I don’t watch television, don’t trust the media-propaganda news
from around the world, I thought I might as well get some ideas to overcome my
almost permanent writer's block.

And when it gets
boring enough, I turn to blogspot to entertain me in more ways than one. The stories,
the humour, the writing style, the intellect, the garbage, the ideas, oh well,
you get the drift. Therefore, it was on blogspot that I came across this piece
on biking.

This was a blog by a
keen biker called Sam, which followed the format of “Date a Guy Who is a biker”
which has been doing the rounds on the internet for a while now. I wouldn’t
have read it, hadn’t it been for this lazy rainy Saturday morning, the first
one after leaving my job and one before leaving for my next adventure. That set
the wheels rolling, and my idle mind got to work.

Credit’s due where
credit’s due; so I thank Sam and his fellow riders Gaurav and “bhatku” for
inspiring me to modify their piece for my writing.

I am a hunter. While
my friends shoot and hunt in a group, I do the solo bit pretty well. And you
know what, it doesn’t matter whether you hunt alone or with a pack, the point
is... you hunt. While a lot of professions have been explored under this format
of posts, no one in my knowledge has done this for hunters.

Hunting has been a
very integral part of our existence. Having heard the best and the worst about
this love of mine, it dawned upon me that a lot of people have varied
impressions about hunting and hunters. So I thought, “why not?”. Let me write
about this!

So here goes:-

Date A Guy Who Hunts

Date a guy who has
hunted across the length and breadth of the country. He’s the best storyteller
you will ever meet.

Date a guy who
will grab his gun and go off to hunt in any direction, only to realign himself
with this world once again. Respect him for this, because every time he is
upset about something, he’ll make sure it doesn’t spill-over at work. Or at
home. And when he comes back, he’ll be more sorted than he was earlier.

Date a guy who
knows how to zero a scope. Or glass bed a rifle. Or pluck a goose and gut a
deer. Date a guy who can set up a tent, start a fire, cook his meals and clean
up afterwards. Chances are, he’ll be able to sort out a lot of problems in his
own life as well as yours, if you’re close to him. Without taking external
help. You can rely on him for most of your problems. Even if they’re medical in
nature. In that case, rely on him for first aid and then visit a doctor. (He’ll
take you to the doc in his SUV.)

Date a guy who is
as comfortable spending a night in the forest in the middle of nowhere as he is
in the plush comfort of his house. Adaptability is something we as humans are
kind of running short on these days.

Date a guy who
will always, without fail, stop to help when he sees another one of his kind stranded
in the woods. For that matter, even if he sees non-hunters. He understands what
you’re going through at that moment.

Date a guy who
gets excited at the mention of heading out into the countryside, into the
hills. The forest paths teach him how volatile life can be. In addition to
that, he knows how to respect the bush. Of all kinds. (You know what I mean).

Date a guy who can
actually do serious damage to another man who is looking for unnecessary
trouble with him. But he won’t, because he knows it’s not worth it and it’s not
the solution to any problem. Yes, he respects everybody's opinions. He won't
force his on you. Just make sure no one pushes him around too much.

Date a guy who
will travel five hours just to have a chance of procuring that awesome dinner of
braised venison or roast duck that even the best diner offers in the town next
to the one you’re in cant offer. If this isn’t adventurous enough for a mundane
day, what else do you think is?

Date a guy who
will get so excited before each hunt that he won’t be able to sleep for a
minute, even though he has done this a million times. He knows how to keep
things fresh. Always.

Date a guy who
makes sure he packs in everything that he might and most probably will need on
a long hunt. He pays attention to detail. Chances are he’ll be sorted in most
of the things in his life.

Date a guy who
will never ever shoot his rifle without wearing eye and hearing protection. Who
won’t carry a loaded gun with the safety turned off while climbing a tree stand.
He knows his life is not just his own.

Date a guy who
will pause and skip a few heartbeats every time he sees the sun rise over the
horizon, or comes across a waterfall in the hills, or lays his eyes on the
first snow-capped peaks in the ranges. He admires nature. The same nature you
have chosen to ignore sitting in your cubicles.

Date a guy who
will hunt just because he loves it, because it makes him feel free and liberated.
Honestly, he is more free than anyone else, because he sees that crosshair, holds
his breath, squeezes that trigger and hears the bullet head home.

Date a guy who
would rather be sitting on his high seat thinking about God, and not sit in a place
of worship and think of his rifle. He has his priorities in place.

Date a guy who has
seen the dark side of shooting and has survived. He’ll give you tips and
lessons you didn’t even know existed.

Date a guy who
will go to any lengths to spend some quality time with his
"brothers", even when there is no obvious blood connection. He
understands relationships much more deeply.

Date a guy who can
go wild on his hunting trips and can make everyone have a great time. With his gear
and his stories. What's there not to like about this?

Date a guy who
will look back at his life’s achievements and mistakes while waiting for that
deer. He will chuckle a bit, smile a lot, sometimes shed a tear or two. And
that’s what builds character.

Date a guy who has
injury marks from hunts on his self. Warriors aren’t pretty. Barbie dolls are.

Date a guy who can
keep his rifle like any other man would treat his wife. He’ll treat his wife
like a queen.

I could go on and
on about this, but I guess these should be enough for you to look past through
that tough exterior of hunters and know that there is a tender heart and a
loving person underneath all that grime, dirt and gunpowder.

And in case this
wasn’t enough, come, spend some time with us. Hunt with us, to see us closely.

But I wasn’t
there. I had travelled a thousand miles and three decades to the shikarcamp of
grandfather, and the rest of the gang.

XXX

The camp is
breaking up and is accompanied by the hustle and bustle of loading the jeep
with pots, pans, food, meat, hunted game, etc. It is getting dark and the
citizens of the forest have made sure the departing shikaris (hunters) are bid
a fitting goodbye. There is a cacophony of whistles, cackles, shrieks, barks,
gobbles, hoots, chirps, roars, and every sound imaginable. Dusk comes earlier
in the jungle and maybe it reflects the mood of the hunters as they leave the
forest and return to the urban dwellings called home and town.

Hope is a
sportsman’s best ally. It’s what keeps men going that extra mile. One last
pheasant drive before sunset. One more minute at the pond flighting ducks. One
more mile looking for that elusive tusker. One more hill to climb for that royal stag. It’s
the hope for bagging that game which makes this sport so addictive,
exhilarating and unpredictable.

Maybe it was
this hope that made grandfather keep his rifle in his hand; hope that they
might ambush some game on the way home. Maybe it was a sixth sense, developed
after years of hunting that only hunters know. Maybe it was a co-incidence or
just luck. Whatever it was the fact is that grandfather was sitting in the back
of ‘909’, our jeep, holding on to his rifle, just in case.

Finding ones
way out of forest around dusk can get a bit tricky especially in the absence of
roads and signs. After a good half an hour, grandfather felt as if that area of
the forest seemed familiar. They were going around in circles!

They got
down investigating and the tracks on the dirt road confirmed that they had come
where they had started from. But wait, there was something else, pugmarks of
leopard over the tire treads! A leopard was following the jeep tracks!

Grandfather
got into the back of the jeep; on the lookout. It had now gotten really dark
and no one can hear a leopard approach. So one had to rely on the sentries of
the forest the birds etc announcing the leopard’s movements. But at this time,
the whole forest was a wildlife orchestra with Mother Nature herself the
conductor.

All senses
alert, my grandfather ordered the driver to start the jeep and make a move. Was
it his imagination or was it some noise over and above the noise of the engine.
He leaned forwards to take a better look and...

BANG!!

Was it the
engine backfiring, everyone wondered, the jeep having started just a few
seconds back? But my grandfather brought their attention to the dead leopard
lying in the dirt track just behind the jeep.

He later
explained that leaning out; he saw the leopard, mouth open ready to spring upon
him. I won’t say it was a man-eater tracking them; maybe it was just curious.
But as they say, curiosity kills the (big) cat.

“What a
tale” said his friend A.U. “you expect us to believe that your reflexes were
faster than a leopard.”

“That’s
right”, said his brother P.P. “it was inches away from you and you still were
fast enough to shoot it before it could attack you.

“But I did”,
said grandfather. “You all heard the shot and here’s the empty case to prove
it.”

“But you
missed. Fired in the air” said A.U. “the poor thing died of a heart attack
hearing the noise”.

“With all
due respect to Saki, this is not Mrs. Packletide’s tiger”, said grandfather.
This is a healthy male in the prime of his youth.

“Well, there
should be an entry and exit wound”, everyone agreed.

But look as
they might, no one could locate an entry or exit wound or bullet holes. But my
grandfather was convinced that he had not missed. He decided to check the
insides of the leopard to prove his point.

And guess
what? He was right; the leopard had been hit but where were the bullet holes?

You see when
granddad started to raise his gun, the leopard, opened its mouth not knowing
what a rifle is, saw it as the part of the shooters body or an appendage being
thrust towards it and did what any beast would do. He tried to grab the muzzle
of the rifle in its mouth. At the same moment, my grandfather squeezed the
trigger.

When any
animal opens, its mouth it automatically comes in a straight line with.........

XXX

“Roll number
55, daydreaming again?” said the professor snapping me back to reality.

“I have been
explaining about various scenarios possible regarding entry and exit wounds
while you were sleeping. Sine you don’t need to hear it from me, perhaps you
shall be so kind to explain to the class.”

“Certainly
sir. You see class; it’s even possible for a dead body not to have any entry or
exit wounds. That is when a bullet enters through one natural orifice and exits
through another. For e.g. in through the mouth and out of the backside.”

The laughter
was deafening.

The look on
the professors face was as if he had been slapped in the face.

The leopard
skin still adorns a wall in our family house and is the most intact trophy, free
from all blemishes and holes.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

The
wonderful Balkan country promises a lot of excitement for a sportsman searching
the internet for hunting destinations in Europe.

Having never
hunted there, I cannot confirm if it is a premier hunting venue in Europe, but
if the quotations for hunts were anything to go by, the prices certainly are
premier.

“How can a
country, where everything else is so affordable, be so expensive for hunting?”
I wondered.

Thus I
decided that when next there, I would try to look for local connections and
maybe discover some affordable guides and outfitters.

Sofia, the
city of churches, laden with history. Centuries of governments changing hands
have led to Bulgaria being an amalgamation of Greek, Turkish and Balkan culture
traditionally with a more recent eastern bloc flavour. All of this seemed to be
epitomised in the capital, Sofia.

The block
like purpose built housing estate, beggars on the streets, dilapidated
buildings, cracked pavements and roads with potholes, all pointed towards
toward a city that had seen better days.

In contrast,
the farmers market, the food stalls, the bakeries, all modest in appearance,
promised flavours and aromas to rival eateries the world over.

Most of the
shops in town were small, not demanding a second glance. True, in one district
one did have an odd international jeweller boasting a tasteful showroom but on
the whole the marketplace was rows of small, plain looking shops selling
average quality consumer goods.

I had gotten
addresses of a few gun shops in Sofia and had hoped to run into people who had
connections with hunting operators there.

I was making
my down the streets of Sofia keeping a sharp lookout for the shop(s) lest I
miss them. I needn’t have bothered.

The first shop
–and the subsequent ones I visited- was not only big and posh by Sofia standards;
they were grand and tasteful by any standards; at least by my experience of
visiting similar shops across 4 continents.

The
lighting, the interiors, the glass were as if done by a professional designer.
The sales people and the clients appeared sophisticated; the goods stocked were
all from reputed international brand and the prices were more than I had seen
anywhere in the western world! The way the customers were shopping, they didn’t
seem to care either.

“Excuse me”.

“Yes”

“I am
looking for some information about hunting in Bulgaria”.

The sales
girl’s expression (Yes, the gun shops in Sofia have sales girls who seemed to
be perfectly comfortable showing semi automatic rifles to customers and
answering their questions) suggested she didn’t understand English so with a
polite nod, she got another sales person to help me out.

The other
person, though was better at English, couldn’t understand that I didn’t want a
Sako or a handgun despite (or maybe because of?) me showing him various
pictures of me with game on my mobile.

A customer,
sensing the confusion, came to my rescue and kindly offered to help me. Pulling
out his mobile, he wrote down a number from his contact list.

“Call
Robbie. He will help you”, he said with a flourish.

I left the
shop thanking him. Not exactly how I had envisioned it. I was hoping to run
into a group of hunters who I would befriend and who in turn would tell me how
to go about hunting in Bulgaria without taking out a second mortgage. Or maybe
even invite me out to go with them.

Continuing
my journey through Sofia, I couldn’t noticing that the city once grand but
ageing with the burden of time was seeing some renovation like an aging actress
getting a facelift. It reminded me of the state of hunting in general. Once the
grandest of sports, now neglected and forgotten by all but a few.

Thus lost in
such thoughts I came to a second shop and made similar enquiries about hunting
in Bulgaria. This time one of the customers gave me a visiting card asking me
to “just call. Everything else will be taken care of”. This was more like it.
Just as I was about to thank him for his hospitality, he said “This is Robbie’s
number. He will arrange a hunt for you.”

I compared
the two numbers. They were the same. Maybe there was hope. Maybe this Robbie
was the answer to my questions. Maybe Robbie would arrange a big driven boar
shoot for me. Or should I ask him for a moufflon hunt?

I looked up
to find myself in a vegetable market which seemed to be away from the touristy
paths as I seemed to be the only outsider. The locals went around their
business of buying their fruits and veggies and the stall owners eyed me with
mild amusement, correctly assuming that I had lost my way.

Taking out
my map, I found my way out and strolled towards another part of town. I chanced
upon a grand double storey building that could well have been a flagship store
of a designer label.

“What a
grand showroom. Looks like a major fashion brand flagship store.” I thought.
Suddenly I saw the famous trident of the Beretta logo. This was a gun shop!

I went in
and what a sight for sore eyes! Double glass door entrance, trophies on the
wall, wood panelling, and glass showcases with soft spotlights focussing on the
goods inside. Sections for semi-auto sporting rifles. There were two sales
girls who professionally asked me if they could help.

I
complimented them on how aesthetically pleasing this gun shop was and how we didn’t
have shops of such calibre (no pun intended) in the UK.

After
looking around, I went through the routine of trying to explain that I was
looking for hunting and if they could help. They went in to fetch their boss
who came out holding a glossy magazine in Cyrillic. Though I couldn’t read what
it said, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it was a high end hunting
magazine. He held open a page showing a handsome man sitting over various
trophies he had bagged.

“You know
this man, yes?” enquired the boss.

Now I admit
that I might not follow celebrity gossip but do read books about shooting. And
I certainly do not recognise any famous hunters other than Corbett, Bell and a
few more. However these photographs were new and which current hunter was famous
enough to be recognised just by his photo?

The boss didn’t
offer any answers assuming that if I were a hunter, I must know who this man
was.

Well in the
last couple of hours, there was only one name I had come across so I hazarded a
guess.

“Robbie?”

“Yes
correct!” said the boss, not overly impressed. After all, this was the great
hunter Robbie and I had taken half a minute to place him.

“Take his
number, call him and he will arrange everything for you.”

“Thanks, I
already have his number.”

The boss
looked puzzled. Why was I asking for hunting contacts if I had Robbie’s number?

I found no
other hunting contacts during my visit to Sofia. However I did discover why the
hunting prices were the way they were. It seemed to be controlled by one man.

I still have
Robbie’s number with me and look forward to meeting this king of hunting in
Bulgaria and sharing this story with him.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

“There is no such thing as
ghosts. Superstition, supernatural, occult is simply fiction. They may just be
names for things that science has not been able to explain.”

Grandfather’s words are
still as fresh in my mind as they were decades ago when I was a young boy who
used to stay up late into the night every weekend as he enthralled me with his
tales of hunting.

Back then there was a lot
of illiteracy in India and belief in the supernatural, ghosts, etc. was very
common. Grandfather, being a doctor was a man of science and did his best to
instill in me logical thinking based on facts.

“Take for example cases of
‘goddess possession’ in housewives”, he would explain. “Often these women are
neglected by husbands and abused by the in-laws. Once her bodies become a
medium for the goddess, she gets a lot of care attention and respect by her
family.”

“That is all fine”, said
uncle. “But then how do you explain the case of the indestructible porcupine.”
During his hunts, uncle had been deep into remote forests and had seen old
tribals, ruined lost cities and enough mysteries to make a television series on
discovery channel.

“What porcupine
grandfather?” I asked perking up at the thought of another exciting story.

****

It was a cold winter night.
‘The gang’ was on its way to its weekend hunting retreat. It was a new area,
not hunted often. They stopped in a remote village enquiring about the route.

“Do not go there sir”, said
a wizened old man. “You can’t hunt there; that area is protected”.

“What nonsense”, said
grandfather. “That is not a protected area. It’s outside the national park”.

“No hukam (sire). It’s
protected by the spirits. No one can hunt there. The animals are protected as
there is a ‘devsthan’ there (place of god-referring to a shrine).”

“Thanks for the warning old
man and now the directions, if you please”, said grandfather, bemused.

The old man gave them
directions reluctantly but warned them not to invite the wrath of the jungle
spirits by going there.

This probably ignited the
spirit for adventure in ‘the gang’. They probably took it as a challenge. The
poor driver, however believed in the legend and meekly tried to protest but it
was discounted with an air of dismissal. Since when were drivers allowed to
voice their opinions?

The forest was primeval
deciduous forest which had no roads not even dirt roads. There were only old
game paths which one had to navigate; off-roading at its best. Encountering
game paths without previous car tracks is usually a good sign; it signifies an
area not frequented by hunters meaning less hunting pressure and hence better
hunting.

‘909’ was going slowly
along the narrow windy game track. The forest was alive with the sounds of the
jungle promising a great hunt ahead. Suddenly the driver brought the jeep to a
halt.

“What’s the matter?”
enquired everyone.

“There’s a porcupine crossing the path ahead”.

Those of you who are familiar with the scuttling
gait of a porcupine, will know that it should take but a moment for it to cross
a dirt path in jungle.

Or should it?

No sooner than it reached the edge of the dirt
track, it turned around and started walking back across the track, not looking
at the headlights of the jeep.

It did it again and again walking across the track,
like a guard outside a protected building; what was it protecting?

“It’s a sentry”, murmured the driver, “protecting
the forest that lies beyond. We can not cross.”

As if it understanding the driver, the porcupine
seemed to have changed its gait to a march.

Left-right-left.

Left-right-left.

“Toot the horn”, said someone. The driver was in no
condition to protest.

But a blaring horn, which even causes a tiger to
flee, had no effect on the ‘sentry’.

Left-right-left.

Left-right-left.

“Sentry my foot”; said a ‘gang member’. “I think
its time we rewarded our tracker.”- Tribal forest dwellers are often employed
as trackers and consider porcupine meat a delicacy.

Saying this, he raised his shotgun to his shoulder
and BANG.

The ‘sentry’ went on with his ‘duty’.

Left-right-left.

Left-right-left.

“Ha-ha. You missed. Twenty yards, slow moving
target and he still misses. The rest of the gang were laughing at their friend’s
terrible shooting.

“I’ll show you how its done”, said another member
but with the same result.

Left-right-left.

Left-right-left.

“Maybe the porcupine’s quills are dispersing the
shot”, someone rationalised.

“We’ll see about that”, said grandfather taking his
rifle out of the case. This mighty weapon had accounted for a few big cats,
bears and crocs.

However:

Left-right-left.

Left-right-left.

The porcupine not only kept at its ‘duty’ but also
seemed to be unfazed by the sound of gunfire.

It became a matter of personal pride and every
hunter wanted to be the one to halt the porcupine in its tracks.

Around 35-40 shots were fired that night by six
different people who had more than a century’s worth of shooting experience
between them. The various weapons used were adequate for everything from a
sparrow to an elephant.

But none of them could even touch the porcupine.

Left-right-left.

Left-right-left.

***

There were seven witnesses to this incident
including the driver but none of them could say why no one thought of running
over the porcupine with the jeep.

Was it a respect for this unusual adversary or the
message that maybe they weren’t meant to go hunting that day, no one can tell
but they decided to call it a day and return home.

I mean, if one can’t hit a porcupine at 20 yards
with 40 odd shots, what chance would one have at game.

The gang went on to have more adventures; the
weapons and the ammunition, checked on return, were working fine.

“I don’t know what happened that day”, concluded
grandfather. “But I refuse to believe in supernatural”.

Having read works of many hunters about hunting in
India, including those written by foreigners, it is not uncommon to come across
the stories of protected forests and animals. The most famous of these was the
case of ‘temple tiger’ by the world famous hunter and author Jim Corbett.
Despite his best attempts, he was unable to bag the ‘protected’ tiger.

But that was a tiger. The gang, to their
ever-lasting embarrassment, was bested by a mere porcupine.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Inspired by the comments on the Sun's story "twisted sisters", and videos made by ignoramuses like SKY news, below:

I am posting a video done not by hunters or hunting organisations but by CNBC 60 minutes.

See for yourselves before deciding. Hunters are the biggest conservationists. Be proud to be a hunter. The video below is just an excerpt as youtube wont allow me to embed the full video. However i am providing the link to the full video.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Sub: A humble appeal to improve the state of affairs associated with the ministry of forestry and environment.

I am a citizen of your country and voted for your government in the last elections. It is with a lot of sadness that I look upon the current state of affairs associated with your ministry.

India today is different from the India of snake charmers and fakirs. India is rising and shining and able to give any superpower a run for its money.

All the other ministries like finance, education, external affairs, railways, defence have performed really well in the recent years and today our exports; rail system and military rival any in the world. The Indian academic has made his mark around the world.

Sir, we live in a democracy and it is logical that the government hears what the majority of the people want and desire from the government. It is with great regret I point out that out of all the departments of the government, it is your ministry that hasn’t delivered what the people want.

People want a strong army (stronger than Pakistan’s): Defence Ministry delivered

People want a strong economy: Finance Ministry delivered

People want a strong cricket team (stronger than Pakistan’s): Sports Ministry delivered

People wanted better transport: Both railways and aviation Ministries delivered

Sir I can go on and on but in a nutshell, all departments listen to the voice of the people and act accordingly. In doing this, your department has failed. As a result the turnover of your department has fallen from 1.7% of the GDP to 0.9% of the GDP.

Since your ministry will not listen to people, I will tell you what people want. They want a stronger India, richer India. This is what they associate with national pride (The following list is limited to what your ministry can help achieve for example there is no point writing to you about Indians’ wish of winning the Cricket world cup). The good news is that you can help with what most Indians perceive to be indicators of development and growth.

Shopping malls: the bigger the better

More MacDonald’s and Pizza huts per city

More luxury hotels

More access to better and luxurious cars (not necessarily less polluting)

Better roads to drive these cars on

Luxury apartments

High-rises

More properties per person.

Latest model of cell phones

“Branded” clothes

Sir as I see it, you have got your priorities wrong. The people DO NOT want nor care about the following:

Sir forget the common man, even your own government doesn’t really want all this. Nowhere in the “India rising and shining” types of campaigns and adverts do these useless animals and trees feature. What features are things like industries, bank notes, mega cities, skyscrapers etc. The only place where the above are mentioned are the campaigns and adverts by Ministry of tourism. (Let's not kid ourselves; how many tourists come to India for tigers and elephants? The golden triangle of tourism and the Goan rave parties can do without tigers, nicobar pigeon, golden cat and the clouded leopard).

Sir don’t you feel that the India the land of tigers and elephants sounds more like the land of the rope trick and nail beds than the India of skyscrapers, luxury, purchasing parity? Isn’t the former image something we were trying to get rid of for a long time?

Well all is not lost, I have a list of suggestions which will not only confirm to the present image of itself that India wants to portray and help you give the people what they want but also bring a lot of revenue to your department.

1)Forests: These green economic wastelands are sitting atop the most expensive rural land in the world. (Even around London, rural agricultural land costs about £5000 an acre, that’s less than Rs.400000; compare that with rural land around Delhi costing upward of Rs.15000000).

According to your ministry India has 71 million hectares of “forests”. However a lot of this is bush land and barren (definition of ‘forest area’ by the govt). Therefore actual area with jungles is around 35 million hectares (exclude POK). Now forests if logged for timber can yield between Rs 50000 to Rs 200000 a hectare. Once we chop down all those trees, your ministry could make (approximately) Rs. 375000000000. Sir this figure is extremely conservative at best. In 1994 in just Karnataka, the amount of illegally felled timber was estimated to be worth Rs. 1000000000. Going by those figures, by chopping down all of India’s forests, you could easily generate Rs. 10000000000000.

Sir, we need not worry about a supply of wood for our luxury homes since there are many countries in Africa logging trees and exporting them to India. The forests of Africa will easily last for more than 50 years. By then most of us will be dead so why worry.

Now we have 71 million hectares of land. Prime land. The third largest mall in the world has a ground area of 42 hectares and floor area of 4.2 million square feet and more than a thousand shops. By the same calculation, constructing the world’s largest mall with the floor area of 7.1 million square feet shouldn’t require more than 71 hectares. Given our government’s lax attitude towards car parking space in malls, we could even do it in 55 hectares. It could have 1200 shops. With each such shop giving an annual rent of Rs 1000000, one could easily make Rs. 1200000000 per year. Make One million such malls and you get Rs. 1200000000000000 per year! And we have only used 55 million hectares.

Out of the remaining 16 million hectares (38 million acres), there’s enough land to make three quarters of a billion luxury apartments overlooking these malls. These, with the right marketing tools can be sold to the people who want more than one apartment. All these luxury apartments would have walled perimeters where no beggars, hawkers or other ‘poor riff raff’ (except maids of course) can enter. That way everyone can truthfully say they have seen no poverty in India.

If these luxury apartments are sold at Rs. 10000000 each, it will fetch the govt. Rs. 7500000000000000. If these are given for 99 year lease, then even more money can be made. Not only will it bring revenue to the department, it will also give people to buy many luxury apartments and a chance to have a choice of one million world’s largest shopping malls. Then the people will be really happy and proud to be Indians.

But that’s not all, every year you save Rs. 1419000000, the money spent on forest conservation, forest research, training officers, salaries, and other such useless activities.

Sir, what I have suggested, in terms of possibilities is only the tip of the iceberg. Imagine what you could do with your team of planners and financers. We could be the only country in the world to have one billion MacDonald’s. Or maybe 10 million Mercedes showrooms or many number of similar things that have come to signify national pride. You can also set up mobile towers for rent to the big network providers. This will help people use those latest model cell phones.

Our deforestation rate is 0.6%, more according to some sources. At this rate, we will lose our forest cover anyways. So might as well make some money out of it.

Oh, and lest I forget, you will also save Rs. 1000000000000 that your ministry has pledged to invest by 2020 for reforestation efforts.

Some fake so-called scientists claim that forests bring rain and are helpful in water conservation. With that money you could import Evian and sell it for a profit. Our ‘brand’ hungry or rather thirsty people will lap it up.

2)Wildlife: There are so many useless animals living in these forests that have no bearing to national pride. Neither can they bring Pizza hut to villages, neither shopping malls, nor can they satisfy the aim of people to have 10 houses. I mean seriously do you really think we need rhinos and elephants and tigers? Shouldn’t we be setting up factories to produce Ferraris, or Hayabusa?

There are about 1600 tigers, 8000 leopards, 400 lions, 20000 elephants, 1000 Rhinos, 12000 bears, 1500000 deer and antelope (maybe more) and Innumerable wild boar. Add to this millions of birds and we have a veritable treasure trove on our hands. There will be many international hunters willing to pay Rs. 20000000 to kill a tiger or a lion and Rs. 1000000 for a leopard. Rs. 5000000 for a rhino. I could go on and on but I’m sure you have got the idea. In total we could actually make money and get rid of these animals. These beasts won’t have a place to live after we have cut down the forests. So rather than them enter cities and attack people and then having them declared man-eater and then paying a reward for their killing, we might as well get paid for someone to take care of them.

All in all we can earn Rs. 2000000000000 by killing off tigers and lions, Rs. 8000000000 from leopards, Rs.2200000000 from elephants, Rs. 600000000 from bears, Rs.75000000000 from deer etc and Rs. 20000000000 from wild boar. Sir these figures are merely indicative and I have not even started talking about clouded and snow leopards, tahr, markhor, gorhal etc. Lesser mammals like feral cats, wild dogs, badgers, wolves, jackals, hyenas can be trapped and killed for fur and their furs are given to our famous fashion designers to make fur coats which can be sold in our world’s largest malls.

We only have half the world’s tigers so why should we put in the most efforts? 2% of this revenue can be donated to tiger saving programmes in other countries and we can name some of our ultra luxurious malls after lions, tigers etc. You can also make an official “save the tiger-project tiger” page on facebook where people can click ‘like’.

We were the world leaders in trapping and exporting exotic birds but unfortunately have fallen behind due to spoilsport birdloving (birdbrained would be a more apt description) tree-hugging politicians, your predecessors. With your blessings, the bird business can flourish again. Why have these birds disturb our morning sleep and who needs their cacophony when we can have the latest iPhone (bought from the luxury malls) playing our favourite tunes. Ditto for snakes, pythons, lizards which can all be sold off for their skin. Surely India will be a safer place without these creepy crawlies and our malls can do without cobra scares. Also we want to be moving away from our image as the land of snake charmers. These skins may be supplied to European shoe makers with a clause that these have their exclusive world release in the form of fashion shows in India which will bring in more revenue and further increase national pride. Instead of Lakme India fashion week, we could have Prada, Dior, Gucci, Armani, Ferragamo, Jimmi Choo, Blahnik etc having their fall/spring collections launching in India. This could be coupled with a rock concert held in the newly cleared forest land in the arcade of a luxury mall. The people of this country do not care what happens to these creatures they don’t even know, nor want to know the difference between a deer and an antelope or a lion and a tiger. If killing them can help bring a fashion revolution then bring it on!

Sir I can assure you this flora and fauna is overrated. It’s not as if the sun will stop shining if they disappear. The tiger population is going down by 5% a year. They are gonna vanish in a decade. We don't have time to waste. Jim Corbett, the famous killer of tigers before he became senile and advocated saving them called the tiger a "large hearted gentleman". Im sure any such gentleman would want his death to be of benefit to as many people as possible. You will be saving Rs. 636500000 in forest ranger salaries, tiger census, radio collars, wildlife preservation projects etc. Project tiger budget is Rs. 2000000000 per year; that will be add some more coins into the piggy bank.

3)Environment: Sir this is one of the most overrated things the world has known. It is the western countries’ conspiracy to keep us from driving cars and building our industry. India proudly owns Jaguar and Land Rover; we want more Bentleys, Rolls Royce, BMW, Mercs on our streets rather than deer in the countryside. Global warming is a myth and car-pools are for people who are so poor they have to check the price of fuel. India is now beyond that. For example we are the world’s largest leather exporters and they want us to shut down that industry giving an excuse of river pollution. These people do not realise no matter how many chemicals go into the Ganges, it will always remain holy and pure. It’s not about the nitrite count in the water; it’s about our religious beliefs, something these cow-killing, non-vegetarian foreign scientists and policy makers will never understand.

Sir by removing the ‘environment’ restrictions, you can help India become much more industrialised. We will have more people in the Forbes richest list and more people will be able to afford BMW’s, wear ‘branded clothes’, and have the latest cell phones.

Sir there are many dogs on the streets which are a menace as they aren’t of a good breed. They mate with our good breed dogs and spoil their litter and as a result we can’t sell them. These stray dogs are no use to anybody. Everyone knows only foreign breeds are good and preferably from dog show winning parents. Maybe some of these funds can be used to capture them and sell them to companies abroad for scientific research. That way you can make back the money you spent.

Sir if you implement the steps taken above, your ministry can earn about Rs. 100000000000.

Half of this can distributed within various members of your department, 20% kept by you, 5% given to conservation, environmental, reforestation efforts in other countries, 20% can go back into the Govt. budget as revenue and the rest divided equally amongst the following things so important to us:

i) Money spent on India shining campaigns proving there is no poverty here.

ii) Temples for Rajinikanth

iii) Various charities in need of money like especially those run by various godmen.

iv) If you could allocate Rs. 100 to every person signing this petition, I could easily get enough signatures to enable this letter being taken seriously.

As for the few dozen crazy weirdo eccentrics who might not agree with this and believe in silly ideals of nature, conservation, outdoors etc.... well they are dinosaurs who have no place in the new rising and shining India. Their days are numbered and they don’t make the vote-bank anyways. I feel Wendell Phillips got it wrong. In reality Governments exist to protect the majority. It is the majority who form the votebank. The minorities have a few friends so why bother. If anything, these acts will give them closure. There wont be a sword of Democles hanging over their heads; ever wondering how many tigers there really are; how long they will last, when will they be extinct. Trust me you will be doing these losers a favour; then they could focus their energies on something more meaningful like buying property.

I do hope that this letter opens your eyes to what your voters really want. I would have given more suggestions but I also have to write to the ministry of sports requesting them to ban all sports other than cricket.