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I have been quiet due to there is nothing really to report.....I have been thinking about Wishful, I hope her holidays were good and she is doing ok. Wondering how NY is doing too. Speaking of poses, my son is 17 and when he does pics for MySpace or whatever, he seems to pose like a wanna be rapper... OMG, you should've seen him when he was going through his grill phase....

The New Year is almost upon us, anyone got any New Year's resolutions? I usually don't make any because I can never follow through on them...My roomie's bday is New Year's Eve so I will probably be a bit lit up but at least I will be in the comfort of my home... Then I shall recover and do it all again for my bday on the 12th. I'll be a sexy 39....*growls*....

Well, I came home early since everyone at my sister's house is sick. I was going to stay a while and make it home before the new year but decided that it was not worth getting sick since I plan to party on New Years Eve. I have the rest of the weekend planned. Tomorrow the Latin Lover is coming over. I know what you are thinking, what is this girl doing, but right now I need him in my life even if its just a friend. We do have so much fun together so I am taking advantage of my vacation and having fun. Friday night is Martini night, Saturday night is dancing at our favorite club if I don't have a second date with + man from the other night, and Sunday is comedy club night and then New Years Eve and not sure what that will bring just yet. So my vacation is shaping up nicely. I am dying to hear from Cam and see how her night with Spencer went.

Moon- I am excited to hear what Iceman got you. I am glad that your family liked him

Queen- It sounds like you had a nice relaxing Christmas day. Mine was far from it, my nephew waking up early and wanting to open presents then the rest of the day was spent getting dinner ready, which was drama in its self.

Betty- It sounds like your Christmas was great and your gift that your brother gave you sounds very touching and brought a tear to my eye.

Winiroo- Thanks for the sugar cookie tip, next year I will cheat. Your son is very handsome.

Hello ladies. I am still alive. I've just been surrounded by drama. I pulled my kiddos Christmas off by the skin of my teeth and the tiny shred of credit I have left. Everything is maxed out and the checking account is empty. I may have to shut off my internet for a while so I can keep my cell on and my car legal. The tag is due by the end of the month and the insurance is late. No idea where that is coming from. There is a chance that my husband may violate his terms of release but I won't mention the details of that unless it happens. I'll just hope for better. Keep me in your thoughts ladies. It's gonna be a rough couple of months.

Queen, you're asking about New Year's resolutions. Hmmmmm......... Usually I don't make any either because of the reason you stated-I don't always keep them. It's too hard for me anyway to plan a year at a time. I do better just planning a few days ahead. BTW, you were talking about your son being in the "grill" phase. What is that? Is that when they wear all that bling on their teeth? I think that's what it is but not sure.

Cin, looking forward to hearing all about your Christmas!

Wini, when my daughter was younger (your son's age) she used to pose in ridiculous ways. So it's not just a guy thing, but probably like you said, a teen-ager thing.

Sun, you gotta do what you want I guess. I just really caution you regarding your feelings. Don't get swept away by LL.

Confused, you just hang in there girl. You'll get through the next couple months. Check out some local food pantries if you get in trouble food wise. I've used them myself before when I've needed the help. It's so sweet that you made it possible for your kiddos to have Christmas. I don't recall what is going on with your husband (sorry). Maybe sometime you could catch me up.

Anyway, yesterday I did some yoga (as much as my knees will allow), took a shower and went to the library. I got some movies, CDs and about three books. So I should have enough to entertain myself for a little while. Today, there's nothing exciting going on. I have to check the oil in my car, get some gas, do a little grocery shopping (which I dread because of the post-Xmas crowds), and tonight I have to get Liz from the train at 9:30. I'm really not looking forward to doing that, because it's in another city; which, although close by, I really don't like to be out driving that late. I'm not a night-on-the-town type person. I don't know how long I'll last New Year's Eve at the NA dance. Last time I went to a function on New Year's Eve (2 years ago) I only stayed until like 10:30! Maybe I can last. I won't be dancing at the NA dance. I haven't danced (well, publicly anyway) in years. I used to really dress up for these things and dance my ass off. I'm just too old now.

Other than that, not much else to report. I hope all you ladies have a good day-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello ladies. I had a fantastic Christmas. And the last couple of days have been interesting. I have been talking to this guy in Texas. He seems nice. I actually work tonight and then am off for the rest of the week until Monday. We are usually closed on Monday but since it's new year's eve , we will be open but with a set menu. At $39 per person plus tax, tip and wine or beer, it should make for a good night My oldest son seems to be doing well. He says he is working 3 jobs and will be getting a house soon with some of his friends. So at least he is not running the streets. I worry cause he is genetically inclined for addiction through me and his father. But he seems to be doing well. Things are going well. Later, Cristy

Sorry I didn't back in here posting quickly. Believe it or not I got either bronchitis or pneumonia. I went to the doctors and ordered a chest xray. So I have to drive to the hospital for an xray. It was quite fun actually. The guy who registered me (looked like John Goodman with goatee) was loads of fun. The doctor seemed to have forgotten to put the possible diagnosis.So he says "what a a-hole" and I start laughing and he shakes his head and says now I have to call these people. After he got off the phone with the codes he says " they're such f++king f++k ups over there...oh I didn't just say that out loud did I" and I almost fell off the chair replying "say what". It was the end of the day.

When I first got to his house I was real nervous and hesitant. Spencer took me to this beautiful restaurant and we had such a great time. We laughed so much. Ok, so this was probably one of the best christmas eves ever. I stayed over and we talked a lot about educating him to the fullest extent. I'm very happy with the way things are progressing.....thanks for all the feedback.

Confused- sounds like you need a serious vacation, one that is cost free and all about you.

Sun- sometimes you have to do what you feel is right...full calender of events and colds.

Queen- This year will be great for the 1969 babies

Bett- good plans for new years and I think you should try to boogie down and dress up ...what the heck.

Cristy, I don't know how you can do such a physically taxing job. I was a bartender once and that drove me crazy! Of course, it was in a biker bar and sometimes the dudes would actually ride their Harleys into the bar. As for your son, I know the worrying. My daughter is predisposed to addiction because of her father and I. She drinks and smokes pot sometimes. But there's nothing I can do, so I just have to detach. She's been around NA and AA before, so she knows there's help if she ever wants it. I myself don't do any drugs other than what's prescribed by my doc-nothing, nada. I have to go to meetings or I lose the quality of my recovery. And that helps me to detach from things I have no control over also. Don't worry yourself to death girl! And have a good night at work. I hope you make tons of tips!

Cam, me boogie? HA HA! Yes, I was a stripper, but that was when I was 17 and now I'm 42. Both my kneecaps are broken. My right knee has no more cartilage in it and the cartilage in my left knee is collapsing. Yes, I'm still mobile. I even exercise, as much as I'm able. But you know, I'm not really into getting all decked out anymore. I used to be when I was younger. But now I just like to visit with people and try to let other people's good rub off on me. What will you be doing to ring in 2008? And hey, way to go with Spencer! I am so happy for you, girl! You go! I think it's great that you two are embarking on the journey of education about the virus. Good for you and I wish you continued happiness!

Well, that's all for now. I'm usually not on at this time of day, but today's a slow day. Namaste-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Not much jumping off over here today either. Yes, Betty, a grill is the bling for the teeth. My son drove me crazy when he was into that. I had bought him 2, one got stolen and I was like Ewww. I'm not sure what ever happened to the other one.

I am stressed about a few things at the moment and trying to deal with them. I am a bit pissed with Rico at the moment and am really considering ending it with him. I just think I am too much woman for him. When he is used to dealing with little girls. There is a certain way I expect to feel when I am with someone and am not really feeling it with Rico. I don't think if I gave him all the time in the world that he would figure it out.

Camille, I am glad things have worked themselves out with Spencer and he is willing to educate himself. I'm glad you had a nice holiday. I hope you are on your way to recovering from bronchitis. I can only hope 2008 will be better for us 69 babies. I will have my fingers crossed.

It seems no matter how many walls and how many parts of you can gather a productive strength just has in one swoop and can once again have your dreams crushed and torn apart.

I received a phone call from spencer tonight. we had great plans for tomorrow. But the conversation started turning serious and he said, "you know, today, I really started to doing some research on my own and I just cannot get over the fear of this again". I thought i would give it another try but......I'm so confused...you're the only person I ever felt destined to be with, I love you, your spirit blah blah blah. And I don't want to hurt you. "i said, how could you do this to me a second time, rip my heart and to say you don't want to hurt me is like saying I'm going to hit you with my car but i hope it doesn't hurt too much.

Then he said, you can still come over tomorrow, I just don't know how far I can take the date. I replied, " I don't think that's a good idea and I guess I may see you around one day".

I texted him that I'm really disappointed that I thought you were a lot smarter, and I 'm not trying to be mean. I wil always love you and miss you...good bye.

and he text back love you too. I feel like "so what" I can't believe someone didn't think this decision through a little more carefully before taking my feelings into consideration.

so my friends, I am back to where I was and yet it feels a little more worse if that is possible.

Well, dealing with my own issues. Cam I wish that you lived closer, but come to think of it I am not sure where you live so we could bitch about these men that make us so angry. I have been on vacation and am trying to keep my self busy with friends and not dwelling over being single. The holidays always do this to me. Cam I am sorry to hear about Spencer, but I think that you did the right thing by not seeing him to night. We, can all sit here and say what a jerk he is, but when it comes down to it that is not going to make you fell better. The reason I wish I was there is so that I could give you a big hug. I am dealing with issues today with the Latin Lover. Today he was suppose to come over for dinner, I got the house all cleaned instead of running errands that I wanted to run and went to the store and spent money on dinner. Money that I would have rather saved for the weekend because I could have eaten TV dinners for a couple days to clean out my freezer. So at 4:30 he calls me and tells me that he cannot come over and his wife wants him to keep the kids over night since she is keeping them on his scheduled night, New Years, which also happens to be his birthday and he is going out with me on New Years. Which I am not so sure that I am looking forward to that. So when he called, he could tell that I was mad and just said OK. He asked if I wanted to come over and I said no and would call him later. When I did call him later he was in a very bad mood and I asked what was he matter and he is said that he was looking forward to coming over since he has been with the kids the whole week and was looking forward to some adult time. The he went on to say how depressed he is since he going to be 39, separated from his wife, wishes he was back home (I was crushed after that comment) and life just sucks since he is living with his dad and has no retirement, bills and does not own a house and is still making car payents. Basically he said that he was just having a pitty party. I asked him if he was going to flake on New Years Eve since he will be out of town and not returning till that day. He said that he would not be flaking and after a few drinks he would be fine. I guess why I am so mad was that I was always holding out hope that he would come around and come back to me. After he made that comment that crushed me, it really hit home that I should not hold out any hope for him. I just don't understand how he can open his heart to someone who has crushed it, but wont allow me in when I love and care about him and accept him for who he is and who he is not. But, I guess its time to move on. I started working out again today and hope that I can get my body in shape so that I can start thinking about a baby.

Well I am off to watch some TV. Cam hang in there. I understand what you are going through.

Wow, this is so uncanny that it is not funny. I can relate very well to you Sun in regards to Rico. Since you seem to have spilled, I might as well too before I go to bed. Maybe I will sleep later but I doubt it. Rico has been on this I love you kick for a few weeks now. I would like to believe him but I don't. His actions don't show it and I have told him this on numerous occassions. I have even told him that good sex doesn't mean he loves me either. When I say his actions don't show it, they don't. I would think if you loved someone, you would grace them with a call sometime during the day, not wait on me to send a text then call. I then went on to tell him he has a funny way of showing someone he loves them. He says whatever. That reply pissed me off and I told him he could forget my name as well as lose my number. And that he was an asshole. He comes back with saying he was playing...WTF? Then on Christmas Eve before he came to my house , he was at this Christmas party that my friend's friend had invited him to. Ok, well, I knew about that but then when he comes over, he says that he found out that he has family here. I talk to my friend about it, the one who hooked us up and had her friend invite him to this party and she says he doesn't have any family here. Once again....WTF? Am I being overly suspicious here? It sounds like to me that he is trying to play me. Then last night, we were kind of arguing while texting and he said he would call me tomorrow which is today. No call but when I call him his phone is off? I am wondering is it really off or did he change the number. I asked my friend about it and she says it's off but I'm starting to wonder if I can even trust her.

All I keep asking myself is why me? Why do I end up in these fucked up situations and left feeling like dirt or less than? So Cam and Sun, I am definitely feeling you ladies......

Cam, I am so sorry. What a jack-ass! I wish I could give you a hug in person, but for now, here's a big cyber{{{{HUG}}}}! I don't believe he's treating you like he is. This is just so disappointing. Girl, just hang in there. We're here for you.

Sun, I'm sorry things are working out the way they are with LL. Now, who was the other guy? Is there any chance left with him? I don't know what to tell you to do about New Year's Eve. I sure wouldn't be too worried about his feelings though, since he doesn't seem to be too worried about yours.

Queen, girl, I am soooooo sorry things are turning out the way they are with Rico. I wouldn't trust anything he says. Like you said, actions speak louder than words. It doesn't really seem like he's too serious the way he's acting. It's like a high-schooler or something. If it were me, I would put an ultimatum down, like shape up or ship out! Good luck girl.

OK, where's Cin? Come on woman, we want to hear all about your Christmas! You must be very busy working. Hopefully we'll get caught up over the weekend. Viv, miss hearing from you also! And you too Tendai! And anyone else I missed. I know Drag is on vacation. And I wonder where Em has been.

Today I'm probably going to watch the two movies I have left to go that I got from the library. One of them is a Mozart opera; the other one is about gangs in Haiti (I think it's Haiti). I'm reading Slash's autobiography right now. Got that from the library also. I bought Eric Clapton's autobiography when it first came out. It was excellent. Slash's (that I've read so far) is very interesting. He sure was a hellion. I really don't have much else going on.

Last night I went to the HIV support group. It is kind of disappointing. Well, one of the facilitators said that the ASO only has enough funding to last through the end of 2008. So there was drama about that for awhile. And you know, people at the group just cannot relate when I talk about the early days of AIDS. The death sentence it was, an actual AIDS diagnosis, going to funerals every other week, the horrors of AZT, ddI and ddC, the scams of "healers" telling us how to heal our bodies with just positive thoughts, colon cleansing etc. I know it's not their fault, but I sure miss being able to talk to someone around here who remembers and lived through all of that. Anyway, I guess I'm starting to rant. OK, I hope all you ladies have a nice day- especially Cams, Queen and Sun! Hang in there girls!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Good morning all! I have really been enjoying my time of just relaxing and not thinking of lesson plans or grading anything. I have been trying to finish my traffic school on the internet...BORING! Other than that not much happening.

It is comforting to know that many women have similar boy problems. Sometimes it feels like we are the only one going through the drama. I keep going back and forth w/my ex for almost 13 years and I am sure he is the king of all losers. I could tell some stories.

Cam: I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I will say one thing though and I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I think it must be a kind of shocker to hear about you being positive. I mean I know how I felt when I found out about myself. It took a while to come to terms with it. It is kind of a shock when you find out so I imagine he is feeling that. Maybe if he has some time to process he might come around. i know that when I found out my mom went to a support group for parents with children with HIV and that helped her tremendously. I guess what I am saying is that some of us have had time to deal with it and maybe we should give that time to others as well. You know what I am saying? Of course it still sucks and hurts and I wish you did not have to go through with this.

Ok, on a different subject...The last few days I have really been feeling ready to get back out there and find my Mr.Right. Half the battle right? My problem is that I don't know where to begin....LOL! I am such a novice at dating. I guess I keep hoping "he" will just show up at my door and then we will live happily ever after. What a dream huh? My resolution is to make 2008 my year.

I'd better post or I'll never get around to it! Weds night I was beat from work. Late Thursday afternoon a friend from my old neighborhood called and said one of the guys was up here from Florida. I hadn't seen Sean since 1985 or so, and we were all close in elem school and Jr High before I moved in '84. So I dragged my ass out to dinner from 6 - 10pm to meet with one guy and his GF and two other guys. Like I said, Sean and I hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. He is married and has two kids. It was fun sharing stories from back in the day, when life was easy!

Last night Little Sis and I spoke. Remember, she's not really my sister, but rather she is the younger sister of my EX best friend who wrote me off in 2002 (after I disclosed to her). Little Sis "LS" was written off by her family as well, they seem to have trouble dealing with strong people who are confident in themselves.

Anyway, LS calls to say her mother went into the hospital Thursday night and has a mass on her lung. The relationship with her mother is estranged, her mother hasn't even seen her 2-1/2 year old daughter. Turns out Mom has lung cancer and a mass that is wrapping around an artery. Her time here is short. Weeks to months and that's it. Its all very strange for the two of us, LS and I, because we haven't seen her family or siblings for years. We are the Scorpio girls and we are very strong. It intimidates people, esp my ex best friend/LS's sister. LS went to the hospital yesterday and saw everyone for the first time in years. I am very proud of her. She wants me to visit her mother once she returns home, at a time when the entire family isn't around. The entire family is going to take a huge collective shit when they see me and LS together. Talk about girl power. This is all very sad and awkward, as I will be seeing my ex best friend again. I only saw her once by accident this past July, when she spoke more to my parents than to me at a restaurant. Bitch. Fat bitch. Fat selfish insecure bitch.

OK, I feel a little better now, but there are a lot of emotions stirred up. I am going to be there for LS, that is my priority. We'll see how everything goes, but I just want LS's mother to die with some dignity, even though she's been very mean to LS for years.

Iceman and I had a great Christmas! He got me a 4G iPod, my first ever! He also got me a Harley long-sleveed t-shirt, way too small, so he likes it on me very much, lol! I got some other iPod accessories, and already have 900 songs on that thing. Its perfect for work and I love it. I also got a gift card to Victoria's Secret. I need to go shopping!

I got money from the family and a Mickey Mouse quilt with Cinderella's castle on it. I have it at work for when I get chilly. It was a nice Christmas! Iceman is so frikkin hyper today (and evryday), lol. He had a Monster drink earlier (caffeine) and he just ate two brownies I made for him. He's a "Happy Happy Joy Joy" kinda guy, lmao! Sometimes I just tell him to be quiet so I can think, lol lol lol!

More a little later on. I need to make lunch for us, and Ice is busy putting chairs together for his new DR set. Crazy cracker, lol. He's downstairs singing, lol, what a riot!

WHERE IS EVERYBODY? Cin was the last one who posted and that was at like 2 something yesterday! Well, I suppose people do have lives.

Viv, what are you talking about when you refer to taking driving school on the internet? I'm not sure what it is you mean. Did you get a ticket or something and now you have to do that? Oh, and hey, I wouldn't know where to find the perfect mate either. I've been out of the game for so long. And when I was in the game, I had one of the worst pickers. I remember years ago, I had a very nice guy in my life. But at the time, I was strung out and he was too "normal" for me. After that, everything just kind of went downhill. But, that's alright. I think if I'm supposed to meet someone I will. I'm a little pickier than I used to be though. But maybe that's a good thing.

Cin, I'm really sorry about LS's mum. Lung cancer is what my mum died from. And she never smoked a day in her life. It's good that you're there for her. She needs someone. Please let us know how it goes when you do go see her mum. I'm here if you ever need to talk, just pm me. So you got an iPod, eh? Wow! I don't even know how to use one of those things. I think that's really neat. And a Harley shirt? Can't ever go wrong with Harley clothes. I still have some that I've had for a long time. Hey, how did you get 900 songs on that thing already? Do they like download real fast or something? I just learned how to download music from Napster to my pc. That's how far behind the times I am. Did Iceman get you the Victoria's Secret gift card also? I'm sure he'll enjoy whatever you get with that. I love the idea of that quilt you got from your family with the Cinderella castle on it! I love Disney stuff, especially the Princess stuff! It sounds like you had a really great Christmas. I'm so glad.

Well, I'm not going to go to church today. My pastor is on vacation and one of my friends told me that someone is going to read the Christmas story. I really don't feel like getting ready to go just to hear that. I really don't know why I'm up this early. I didn't go to bed until after midnight last night. I went with my bff to an NA speaker jam last night. That's where people with different amounts of clean time speak. They had someone who had 30 days clean, and 60 days. They were going to have others, but they got to the main speaker, who has 12 years. It was really good. Then they had a dance afterwards. I saw someone there who I was in treatment with 2 1/2 years ago. He is a very young guy, who constantly recycles through places around here like the Center for the Homeless and the Hope Rescue Mission. He's only like 19. His mom used a lot of drugs and when he was in grade school, she let him use the drugs she was using. That started his long path of boy's school, detention centers, then his mom was not allowed to have her kids anymore because of being unfit and he ended up on the street as a young teen-ager and has been there ever since. It's really sad. My bff that I went to the speaker jam with is a counselor who does work at the Hope Rescue Mission, where this kid is at now. She has counseled him and said he's very unstable. Duh! You know, in my town, and especially at the NA functions I go to, there are tons of people who have the same or similar stories. And I wonder what to do about all that to give these people a good quality life and get them out of the homeless recycle bin. Just when I start feeling sorry for myself, I hear stories like that and it makes me very sad, yet very grateful at the same time.

Other than pondering the mysteries of life I really don't have a lot planned today. Do any of you ladies have New Year's resolutions? Mine is to go on a diet, somehow. It's going to be hard, because I'm a sweetaholic. But with the diabetes and gaining weight, it's just not good. I need to go down a few pant's sizes also. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish this yet. I saw a girl on the Today show last week who weighed over 300 lbs and lost over 100 lbs by just exercising and eating in moderation. Hmmmmmmm, I just don't know if I can do that. I think if I had a meal plan to follow, it would be better. Maybe I could see a dietician or a nutritionist. I'll figure out something. But there's only a couple days left of 2007.

So what's everyone's plans for New Year's Eve? I'll check in later- Peace

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Yes, I had a speeding ticket and I had until 12/31 to finish traffic school so of course I waited till the last minute. That is my MO...why do today what you can put off till tomorrow and the next day, and the next day...LOL

I did everything as far as educating Spencer, even sending him to Shawn's site mypetvirus.com. He just got more upset....the issue is that he has kids and he's terrified. Last week he asked if we could still be friends and I was thinking "I don't think so". But I've had a change of heart. He is really a great person and I would much rather have him in my life than not. I'm sure it will have it's challenges. But I told him today that I would take him up on a game of scrabble. He invited me over for tomorrow so we'll do dinner and scrabble and ring in the new year. I know some thoughts are "am i crazy...he's a jerk...I can't be just friends". I've met a lot of people in my lifetime and have really chosen carefully in the past few months who I wanted in my life and who I wanted out (basically cause they were just toxic). Spencer is one who I chosen to be in my life, he's not perfect but him and I are connected on different levels.

Sun and Queen- I'm sorry that things are topsy turvy in your worlds of romance. I can feel your pain indeed.

Betty- Rant, girl rant. It must be terribly frustrating when you've come so far and you get the newcomers thinking that this is a no biggie. Are you looking forward to the big dance tomorrow night? Sounds like you've rather be anywhere but there.

Viv- Thanks for the advice...its some sound advice.

Cin- Sorry to hear about the cancer situation. That's really rough...especially the not smoking part. There is a huge stigma that goes with that disease.

Everyone I wish you well in 2008! If I can't post tomorrow for some reason, than God Bless and Happy New Year.

Bettytacy – when I was a teen I didn’t pose silly I usually tried to look sophisticated or sexy LOL That sucks that you don’t have any other long term survivors in your group. I have several in mine and I cherish them. Talking about how you heard HIV was in the past and living how it was are different.

Cristy – good luck with the Texas guy. Maybe I know him?

Camille – hope your feeling better. Enjoy what you can with Spencer. Maybe someday he and you will be more maybe not. Why burn bridges if you enjoy his company?

I got a surprise email from my ex today. I haven’t heard from him in 4 years. I think it made Billy a little nervous at first but after I made it perfectly clear I had no interest in my ex in any romantic or sexual way he relaxed. An ex is an ex for a reason in my book. I wish the ex well and hope he is healthy and finds happiness with someone or something. I’m glad Billy isn’t so insecure that he wouldn’t want me to send a response email to someone from my past. <rolls my eyes> That jealous baloney is for the birds.

The New Year is fast approaching and not sure if I am excited or not. The Latin lover is being less than pleasant to talk to or be around. He is still in his bad mood and I am trying to distance my self from him. But then I fall into his lair of when he calls I find myself wanting to pick up the phone the minute he calls. But I held out today when he text paged me telling me he was at the movies with his son. So Cam I can totally understand you wanting to hang out with Spencer for the New Year, because I want to hang out with the Latin lover all of the time because he is a good guy. I try to remember that we get in bad moods, but maybe I am a hypocrite because some times when people tell me their problems its hard for me to sympathize when they complain that they do not own a home or this or that. I would give anything to have their problems and not deal on a daily basis being +. Its even more sad for me to hear the Latin lover bitch about things when I don't feel comfortable talking to him about what I go through on a daily basis being +. Part of this is due to the fact that he accepted that I was + and am afraid if I make it sound like a big deal he will not accepted me in the future if there is the chance that we can get back together. Well I am off to hang some pictures so Ladies if I don't check in tomorrow Happy New Year.

I am still around. I have just been reading posts lately. I have been in a bit of a funk lately and am feeling very conflicted. I am snapping out of it for New Years though.... So, I am funking it for all it is worth now, oh shit, it's after midnight....New Year's Eve, fuck that funk.... Not really going out but going over a friends house to get our drink on...Me and the roomie, it is her bday today. I always drink in moderation but will be puffing excessively.... Rico has to work so I doubt I will hear from him or if I do it will be an early night.

Camille, Well better friends than nothing at all. And I say never say never, things can change especially when the ones involved are so connected...

Sun--- LL makes me wanna kick him in his ass. Do hispanic men have some type of defect? Sometimes it makes me wonder....

I heard from a friend today on here via PM. That was a nice surprise. I have noticed folks have been keeping up with Her Majesty on the down low lately. What's up with that? I had someone else on Yahoo tell me they have been keeping up with me too via my blog. I am not complaining, now if I could find a poz man because he read my blog or even a neg one who would accept me. I still need a King and I keep getting leg humpers.....

Hello Ladies. I am still here as well. Just been mostly playing with the Dragons but now I can't access the site at all. I WANT MY DRAGONS!!!!!!!!! Cam, glad you are trying to have a good view of how Spencer is acting. Sounds to me like he just wants to keep you on a line. You are a better person than I cause I would not be able to deal with it. SS Hope LL gets over his bad mood and Ya'll can have some fun. Win, I haven't talked to the guy from Texas in 3 days. I have talked to one from SC and Tenn. They are all really nice guys, seems like when it rains, it pours. I disabled my poz account cause all the sudden guys were burning it up. Nothing for months and in the space of days, I get 10 guys wanting to talk to me. I will talk to these 2 or 3 if Tex calls and see if one of them will click with me. ML, Glad you had a good Christmas with Iceman. Sorry your LS mom is sick. I hope they can catch it all in time. Betty. wow we have a lot in common. Not the Long term survivor stuff but a lot of other stuff. I need to find a support group to go to but they are all in Greensboro and One of my coworkers churches goes there and volunteers so I can't go without outing myself. It's too juicy a bit for him to keep it private. I did just flatout ask him if he has HIV but he says no. He said he has a lot of friends that have died and he just wants to give back to the HIV community. If he was poz, I was gonna tell him , I am too. But not now. I went yesterday and picked my 18 YO up and brought him down here. He got kicked out of the shelter for fighting and was going to sleep in a abandoned house. I finally talked my parents into letting him come here so at least he's not on the street. We are going to try to get him in a group home or get him some services cause even if he stays here , there are very few jobs in this area and very few services he could use so we will try Greensboro. My brother called at 5:45 this morning and woke me and Robert up. He is going to have surgery soon on his foot and this is a lead-up to asking for money. Not happening. We barely have enough for ourselves so he better work something else out. He gets more on his check than I make ALL month but still asks for money quite often. I really don't have any resolutions but I will come up with something and not keep it. I work tonight and should do well since it is a set menu and wine, gratuity and tax are extra. I close down the shift so will be home around 2 am. HAPPY NEW YEAR LADIES. Cristy

Viv, doing things tomorrow that could have been done today-I know that one very well. I hope all goes well for you in traffic school.

Cam, I don't think you're crazy for wanting to remain friends with Spencer. It's too bad his mind closes off to the HIV thing, but if you guys can remain friends, why not? We don't need more enemies, that's for sure! I just hope he doesn't want to take advantage of you and say he will remain friends but then try something. If he does that, I might have to kick some ass! I know you will be careful.

Wini, I know what you mean about the jealousy thing. My first husband couldn't stand it if some other guy even looked at me. He would right away accuse me of sleeping with the guy, knowing him somehow etc. That's strange though, that your ex would contact you after four years. But at least you guys can be civil to each other.

Sun, I hope something works out for you for tonight. LL just sounds like he's really not worth the time. It seems like you're always fretting about something concerning him. If he doesn't come around, I'd probably tell him to get lost.

Queen, yes, you do need a King to reside over the throne with you. You know, my first husband was Mexican. So I know what you mean about Hispanic men. His brothers were like him also. They were always trying to hit on me when his back was turned. So I was always thinking "geesh, if you can do this to your own family member...." Of course, all they ever wanted was sex. I hope you have a good time tonight. Go ahead and party, girlfriend!

So, do any of you ladies have New Year's resolutions? Wini, I read where your husband wants to quit smoking. Well, it's two months since I quit and the only time I ever want one is when I see someone in the movies having one. In real life, if someone around me is having one, I can smell it and that is a turn-off right away. I'm still on the Chantix. It works wonders. Me, I've got to lose at least 30 lbs. So that's my resolution-to lose 30 lbs. I really can't think of anything else right now that I want to resolve to do. I know, it's hard to make them for a whole year at a time.

Yesterday I watched a really good movie I rented from the library. It's called "Lady Sings the Blues." Diana Ross is in it and it's about Billie Holiday (the jazz singer). It was a wonderful movie. I love our library here. They have a huge selection of movies and they're only .25/cents a day to rent. What a deal. I have "Chicago" to watch today or tomorrow. Tonight is the NA dance. I'm going for the meal and then to listen to the speaker and I probably won't stay a whole lot longer. We're supposed to get 5-9 inches of snow tonight. Ugh! I don't want to be caught out in that plus having drunks on the road. So I'm not sure how long I'll be out tonight. I hope all you ladies have a wonderful night! Check in later-

Edited to add: Cristy, you and I posted at the same time. Girl, I hope you have a good evening and make tons of tip money! I don't blame you for not wanting to give your brother any money. Let him figure it out. Have a good one girlie!

« Last Edit: December 31, 2007, 07:58:13 AM by Bettytacy »

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Bett- You're cracking me up. He laid down the rules and fears and I will comply. To me its black or white I'm his buddy from this point on, his confadant. He no touchie touchie ...that priveledge is gone. And the best thing is I can really hold my liquor so tonight I'll definitely be able to stand my ground. I just keep getting the feeling that he will get the confused glaze in his eyes and talk about how our lives are a tragic love story. I'll post tomorrow. I can be completely wrong here but that's my gut feeling.

Who knows the night might end with a good hearty arm wrestle

Thanks everyone for your support. You're really been a great comfort during this time of confusion and pain.

Ok, I would like to start off by saying Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!

I wish that I could be like the rest of you, so open and willing to come on here on a regular basis and just vent, however I am so timid, and lately I've become anti social. As you all know that I am 25yrs young diagnosed a year ago cd count is good viral load is undetectable. So I should be happy right? However I am not. I have been dwelling over my ex for the longest now. We separated right after I was raped, he told me that he needed space to find himself etc..I thought to myself who am I to stand in the way of that, So I backed off..In the time being I just began to focus on me and my disease..thinking that we were going to work on our relationship from a distance. Boy way I wrong. 4 years of my life dedicated to this man. and with a blink of a eye he has already found someone else.

I can't help but question myself, like what is wrong with me, what was I doing wrong that he doesn't want to be with me? I have done everything possible to hold on, and I keep getting defeated. I am trying to figure out how I can break this emotional tie that I have with him. I do everything that he asks me. I loan him money, he is on my health Insurance, I cook for him everynight. I am trying to get him to see that I am what he needs, but he insists on being with her, it makes me wonder how much did he really love me if he can just walk away so fast.when I was first diagnosed I admitted myself to the psych ward, and when I came home, and I was looking through his phone..because at this time we were still living together, and he was texting all these different females, not to mention that the female that he is with is the same female that we use to have altercations over because he use to talk to her all the time, and when I questioned him, he would say that she was just his friend.

I moved out and just so happend that his sister moved ac cross the hall from me, I asked him to respect my space and not bring her around here, because I don't know how I would respond. So I guess he thought that I was at work, and I was pulling out my complex and who do I see but him with her in his freaking car. I just couldn't take it anymore and I textd him and he was like OH it was an emergency.etc

I know that you all are probably reading this and saying where is his girlfriend, well she is in a federal jail..and he goes to visit her every weekend. it's a 2 hour and 10min ride from where we live. I feel so stupid, and I know that I don't have anyone to blame but myself, but I don't know how to walk away. I love him so much, but I have to move on. This is not healthy. I know that most of you are older then me so anyone with some advice please feel free to enlighten me, because I need it.

I know that I am kinda every where with this but it's so much, and I just wanted to put the basics so you all can have a understanding..

My poem..this is how I vent through my pen

When a poet hurts.... Her pain is like venom Thick and poisonous Her pen is the baretta cocked and ready To shoot out the words that will help her get over her pain

Words rain on me like spring showers I watch the minutes turn to hours Realizing that "we" the very existence of "us" has gone down the drain and poured down the gutter like rain My pain is bottled up and branded like coca cola and pepsi My spirit is laying by the waste side like a homeless man begging for change my soul is begging for love, truth and understanding so I was forced to retreat to my poets abode

And there I verbally stroked the cheek of the object of my creativity he being The reason my pen scribbled quite more frequently I held on to our process of long thinking Held on to the hope of my heart being complete he was my reason to be gave birth to a new me just as easy as it was to grasp that bit of happiness.... I lost it like the back of an earring Lost it like memories to an alteimeizers patient Lost it Now this poet is in mourning My hurt surpasses my exterior Overides my interior My soul is on the chopping block bits of me have been shredded like paper I take a deep breath and control my lips quiver Dry my last tear, I will not cry "she" a river But instead I will immerse myself in lyrical dance Take a philanthropists stance So another will never have to go through the same because....

When a poet hurts Her heart cries a sad song Everything that "can" will go wrong And the best bodies of work are born Her pieces are bandaids And each stanza spit is the first aid kit to her soul No longer love sick her poetry is therapeutic She conveys how she feels... by writing the only way a poet knows how to heal...

Hmmmmmm, haven't heard from Cin in a few; Queen just sporadically; oh, Drag is on vacation. OK I know, it's New Year's Eve. I decided not to go to the NA thing. We're supposed to get 5-9 inches of snow tonight and are under a winter storm warning. Being that the NA thing is in the next city to the east, I don't feel like traveling home in a winter storm. So, I'm home for the evening. OK, NOW:

Camms, you just have a good time tonight girl! As long as you can hold your liquor, then do what you gotta do. I hope you guys get along. Don't let him turn it into a drama.

Afraid: Let me first say welcome (back). I really do hope you continue to check in here regularly. Now, let me say that I went through a terrible rape when I was 15 and after that, due to lack of honest counseling, I thought I needed to be with men who could only use & abuse me. Until I got help, nothing ever changed. In your situation, I surely would not cook for that bastard, loan him money nor carry him on my health insurance. Quit those things and you'll see how much he "cares." He won't be around anymore. He's going to see that girl while she's in federal prison? And you still do all these things? You know, in a way, I understand. I was your age once and thought as little of myself as you think of yourself. You really need to get some good counseling. Try to work on self-esteem issues. Know that you are a very precious person who does not deserve to be abused, whether it's mental or physical. He is a selfish clod prick who needs to go out and get a life somewhere else. Hey, ask him if he can room with his girlfriend up there in the federal pen. Let the prison feed him and get him medical attention if he needs it. He can work in the commisary for a little money. In other words, girl, get help quickly! Please! And please continue to check back in with us and let us know how you're doing.

To everyone else (and anyone I missed up there) HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2008 be the best year ever! For all of us!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hmmmmmm, haven't heard from Cin in a few; Queen just sporadically; oh, Drag is on vacation. OK I know, it's New Year's Eve. I decided not to go to the NA thing. We're supposed to get 5-9 inches of snow tonight and are under a winter storm warning. Being that the NA thing is in the next city to the east, I don't feel like traveling home in a winter storm. So, I'm home for the evening. OK, NOW:

Camms, you just have a good time tonight girl! As long as you can hold your liquor, then do what you gotta do. I hope you guys get along. Don't let him turn it into a drama.

Afraid: Let me first say welcome (back). I really do hope you continue to check in here regularly. Now, let me say that I went through a terrible rape when I was 15 and after that, due to lack of honest counseling, I thought I needed to be with men who could only use & abuse me. Until I got help, nothing ever changed. In your situation, I surely would not cook for that bastard, loan him money nor carry him on my health insurance. Quit those things and you'll see how much he "cares." He won't be around anymore. He's going to see that girl while she's in federal prison? And you still do all these things? You know, in a way, I understand. I was your age once and thought as little of myself as you think of yourself. You really need to get some good counseling. Try to work on self-esteem issues. Know that you are a very precious person who does not deserve to be abused, whether it's mental or physical. He is a selfish clod prick who needs to go out and get a life somewhere else. Hey, ask him if he can room with his girlfriend up there in the federal pen. Let the prison feed him and get him medical attention if he needs it. He can work in the commisary for a little money. In other words, girl, get help quickly! Please! And please continue to check back in with us and let us know how you're doing.

To everyone else (and anyone I missed up there) HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2008 be the best year ever! For all of us!

I know that I should move on, and I am in counsling, but honestly I don't think that it's working. I do have low self esteem. He has his own place etc..but I often find my self coming out my pocket for him. I am just at the point to where I want to get over with him and be done with it. The only problem is how do I move on?

What a poem!!! I am sorry you are feeling the way you are and on a day like today, those feelings are probably even more intense. Here's a big hug for you, girl...((((Afraid)))))....People come in our lives for a reason even this man you speak of. It's obvious how much you love him and how much you gave. It sounds like to me like he was using you. He has a woman in jail and was dealing with other women? I have to wonder if he infected you. You don't have to answer that as I have come to my own conclusions.

Now he is with one of the women he was texting? OMG, that screams player to me in everyway and he has the nerve to bring the woman around even though it is to his sister's house? Where is the love or the respect for you? It's obvious to me that you see the writing on the wall just from your own post but if you need to hear it from someone else------YOU NEED TO MOVE ON!!!!! I know it hurts you to see him bring the other woman around but there is really nothing you can do about that, he is visiting his sister. As much as it may make you want to snap and go off, you got to be the bigger woman here. Just try to ignore it, go in your house and let it all out in the privacy of your own home. I'm not saying it is going to be easy but you have to try to not let it get to you or it will affect your health. You don't want that and I don't want that to happen to you.

I don't know what your life consists of but you got to put your focus on YOU and just YOU. As cliche as it may sound, time eases all pains or something like that. But when you need to vent, you just come on in here and let it out.....

Let me start off by sayin that he wasn't the one who infected me, I was infected when I was raped. It wasn't unti after the rape that he and I became intimate. I was saving myself for marriage.

I am trying to move on but how can I when he is always up under me, I kno wthat he is just using me until she comes hom from jail. I feel so stupid, even his own family asks me why do I continue to deal with him. I swnt him a card in the mail stating that I wish not to be his friend in the year of 2008.

it's clear to me that he has moved on, and now it's my turn. I keep doing for him on hopes that he will realize that it's me that he wants in his life. However no matter what I do isn't good enough for him.

My self esteem is low enogh and now this is just adding to it..I know that I am a beautiful person and that any man should love to have me in his corner..but since my diagnoses I have lost focus on who I am..I can honestly say that I don't know my worth.

I hope my post did not make you feel any worse. That was not my intention. Sorry, I did not know it was a rape that had got you infected. I am not making light of that, I was raped too awhile back. I know how difficult it is to get past that. I know it is not easy when he brings the other person around what you consider to be your space. But doing things for him, is not making it any easier for you either. Maybe the other ladies can chime in here. I will be keeping you in my thoughts....

Afraid, I can only echo what her Majesty is saying to you. As long as you continue to do for him, he'll be around. But remember this-his heart is not with you. Why should it be when you don't have any hard, fast rules about the relationship between you guys? What he is doing is having his cake and eating it also. You need to break it off with him quickly. Do it over the phone if need be. But do it soon. You say you're getting counseling, but are you being 100% honest with your therapist? I've found myself that honesty is the only way to go if I want any help. And if this therapist isn't helping you, get another one. I know, therapists can't make us do anything. But it might help you sorting through your feelings left over from the rape. It takes quite awhile to get over something like that. We who have been through it, know that. And in the meantime your brain can play all kinds of tricks on you. Just please hang in there, keep trying to be true to yourself, and believe it will happen. And continue to check in with us!

Well, it's the start of another year. I don't know that I feel any different than I did last night when I went to bed at like 10:30. Honestly, it's hard for me to stay up late anymore. Holidays don't mean what they used to mean. I don't know if that's me getting older or just getting more jaded.

We got hit last night with tons of snow. And today we're supposed to get 5 more inches, tonight 5 more inches, then tomorrow 3 more inches. Yuck! Guess I will be shoveling alot. They're telling people today that if you don't have to be out, don't go out. I really don't have anything to do today anyway. NA is having a free thing today that I was going to check out, but I don't know if I will or not. If the roads are that bad, I don't want to go out on them.

What are everyone's plans?

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello Ladies. Afraid, you are being used. And not even getting anything out of it. Honey, you deserve better than to be used like that. Stop coming out of pocket,cooking and having him on your insurance and see how quick he disappears.. I think he is taking advantage of your low self esteem and that's not right. You realize this and even stated it but until you act to change things, that is how they will stay. Please cut this user loose and concentrate on you. Everyone else, I had a great night at work, broke a bill and immediately stashed it when I got home. Today we are going shopping at the Walmart and maybe I will get something nice for me. I feel like everyone should treat themselves every once in a while. Anyway, hope everyone has a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Cristy

Afraid- I think time and lots of counselling is what you need to move on. You've been a heck of a season in your life. My goodness. But you know what, I think you have a lot more courage than you think....just by posting and taking this day by day is tremendous. Rape alone is terribly traumatic...and then the dx and THEN the boyfriend issue. Well, love is extremely painful and if you've read some of our posts you'll see that you're not alone. But girlie girl, you deserve so much better. And trust me if this guy was stepping out on you I get the feeling that his "friend" will experience the same.

Love is also beautiful and there are so many good guys out there and I know that the last thing you want to here. But really keeping yourself busy helps, trust me.

ok- so in my last post I had some predictions all of which came true. I had great time but the line between dating and friends became kind of ambiguous through the symantecs. He would say things like "i've never met a couple like us with so many connections". oh yeah, "I love you" the holding of my hand...ya know the subtle things. Then he wants me to start going to his gym because he has an extra pass (guy has a serious bod-ee, six pack abs and arms that are crazy big. Not my typical guy. I tend to go for the skinny pasty white artsy type, maybe that's my problem. And no this is not a hint. He knows I work out seriously and knows I'm in phyically fit, but he thinks it would be fun.

So let the games begin.....scrabble was very long and only 3 words were put down. He kept getting out of his seat to kiss me, which is what I used to do with him. The "oh wait, I just have to kiss you cause you're so beautiful" cheesy I know, but I did that weeks ago to him. He also bought all my favorite foods and by 11:00 we were swing dancing in his livingroom and shortly after kissing very passionately. BUT, I didn't let it get past that. We slept together and it was completely respectful. Meaning same bed no sex...and respectful I mean within the context of OUR relationship This morning he offered me breakfast but I had to leave for my dane. I was afraid I would be confused and sad but just the opposite I feel great.

I hope everyone had a great new years eve and are having a great news years. Its a bit rainy today but i feel that world is a little more beautiful this morning.

Good afternoon ladies. I just got in a little while ago from shoveling. I shoveled a foot of snow off the top of my car. They are telling us that we are supposed to get 10 more inches today and tonight (combined) and 3 more tomorrow. Ugh! I did shovel a path from my door to the front apartment, and to my car. That was about all I could handle. The neighbors came home while I was shoveling. They said they went to Chicago yesterday for a concert and ended up staying the night there because of the weather and came home today (Chicago is about an hour and a half from me). They said Chicago is nothing compared to this. Yikes! Needless to say, I'm staying home today!

Viv, thanks for the greeting and Happy New Year to you also!

Cristy, I'm not sure what you mean about "breaking a bill." I'm taking it to mean that you got over $100 or something like that. Girl, treat yourself! Yes, everyone does need to do that from time to time. Glad you had a good night.

Camms, I trust you know what you're doing. Just try to keep your heart seperate. That way you won't get hurt when he's sober and tells you the same thing he told you before about "being terrified." Just tryin' to watch out for ya.

Well, I hope all you other ladies are having a good day. I'm going to watch a little tube and read a little.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I have been reading everyone's reply and I must admit that all of you are right..I know what I have to do..it's just me taking the steps to actually do it. I live in a state where I don't have any family friends, well I have friends but I rarely see them..I am honest with my counselor however I feel at times she doesn't understand me, and she has a tendency to talk to me in a condescending manner..I have been looking for someone else, but it's really hard to get in when your a new patient. She in the past has told me that HIV is a black woman's disease..that's when I stop seeing her. She didn't say it like that..but I knew what she was getting at. So I decided to no longer see her..I have a apt to see my new counselor on the 23rd of this month.

I am just going to take my situation with my ex one day at a time..it's not easy..Since dx I fell into a deep depression and I must admit that I am coming out of that, but this doesn't help. Like I said in a previous post. It just makes me feel like she is the better woman, and I know deep down inside that she is not..He and I went out for drinks one night..and out the blue he tells me that he's in love with someone else and I'm like ok..what do you want me to say..so I guess I didn't give him the response he was looking for..then he starting to tell me that, she was so much prettier then me and that I didn't have anything on her..which it hurt my feelings to hear him say that, but I know that she doesn't hold a torch to me..Her life is over she is 22 with a record she will not be able to get a decent job..but that's the type of woman he wants..someone that he can control..because when I moved out here, and my parents cut me off financially I depended on him for everything..and our relationship was perfect..but I got tired of being in the house and doing nothing with my day so I went and I got a job, and I started to make new friends, and that's when our relationship went down hill..because he lost control of me.....Thanks you all for listening to me...

UNTIL YOU WALKED IN MY SHOES...

Are u sure yo want to do this,is the last question I asked her as I removed my shoes She picked them up and said yes I want to know why you do what you doShe said I want to know why I hear ur silent cries at night I wanna know why as you lay in slumber ur body fights She asked me could she walk just one mile in my place Not to be nosey but to see if she could somehow erase If not all at least some of the memories that has me bound So I passed her my shoes and waited silently as I was found Once she placed her foot in one I noticed there was a slight tremble It wasn't even fully on when the pain started to assemble She looked at me and her eyes spoke what her mouth could not I said yes that's the beginning that was when I was just a tot I said hold my hand as you will need help some of the way She looked up and said thank you taking my hand without delay Now her foot is all the way in and her heart begins to break As she watches a 10 year old little girl cry as the social workers take her awayShe sees the struggle and anguish that is inside a child's thoughts Screaming please let me stay here.. she feels the emotions but still she fought She is losing courage and the second shoe has yet to even hit the floor And she asks me with her eyes the question "is there more" I look at her and say that was only the beginning you have to put on the other then have a look at all the sinning As the other shoe drops finally she looks scared to death I offer her my hand she excepts and takes a deep breath Then slides her foot inside slowly and warily like it was haunted It could have been with all these feeling and emotions that were unwanted I reach out to her quickly catching her as she loses her balance and falls She looks at me again and I say yeah I was a runaway but damn I was only 12 yrs oldI didn't deserve for my innocence to be stoleI reach down for my shoes I see she won't manage much more But she says she has to finish the walk this cannot be ignored I relent and help her stand so that she can have a fighting chance Because what comes next there are no words to prepare her in advance At that moment our eyes connect and I see what she's going thru I reach my hand out again and ask now you see why I do what I do My darkest secrets have been exposed my book is closed no more She weeps and I say no tears please I never shed any... what for. She is now ready to give me back my shoes and I say that's not it You asked to take this journey now you got to finish the shyt She says I cant its too much to bear how did u ever make it.. I look at her as I accept my shoes and said should I have quit? Had I did I wouldn't be who I am nor would there be reason to write I would never have learned to stand on my own but I made it right? These shoes are not for everyone these were designed just for me To map out my destiny... to walk in my shoes isn't easy at all But without these trials and tribulations I would surely fall Untilyou've walked inside my shoes you could have never understood Why is it I can blow the hell up then turn and say its all good To know me is impossible you will never ever have a clue As to why I am the way I am until u have walked in my shoes

The New Year came in but it was kind of bittersweet. Me and my roomie went to our friend's get together which was nice. Rico was there but so was the ex and her new man. Not a problem for me but Rico immediately started trying to do little things like kiss me in front of them. Basically trying to make her jealous, I caught it and nipped it in the bud immediately. I told him I wasn't going to play those games but I did return his kiss... After a bit, the tension settled and we were all having fun, then the call came from Puerto Rico. Rico's mother had passed away but she was asking for him before she passed on. My friend gathered us in the room and we decided not to tell Rico til today but I guess you know his ex had to tell him. I was pissed!!!! A few others at the party felt the same way. Of course, Rico broke down but I was there for him. He called off work, cried like a baby for a few and I just held him. By the time the New Year came in he was a little better, had started drinking and tried to be as cheery as he possibly could. I brought him home with me. No sex, I just held him. He just left a little bit ago. He is trying to get back to Puerto Rico for his mother's funeral. A few of us is going to try to pull together to see if we can get him there. My friend is going to speak to his landlord but he may not have a job by the time he gets back if he goes.....

Due to sleeping rather lightly, I am mad tired but no hangover. When the New Years came in I sent everyone on my phone list a text message wishing them a Happy New Year. That included Cindy who responded today, I guess she was a little busy after midnight... I guess we will find out when she has time to check in. I just wanted to check in for a minute today before I take a nap. I told Rico to come back when he was done putting in his calls to Puerto Rico. I want to be rested by the time he gets back. Other than Rico's situation, the party was really fun and I had a nice time. I hope you all have a Happy New Years.....

I just spent 20 minutes skimming here and catching up. Give me a couple of days to do a real post, I really want to help Afraid out as best as I can. I certainly agree with BT and Queen as far as what they said about Afraid's man issue. Afraid, I want to grab your hand, kick him in the balls and pull you away from him forever. I know you're scared. Like I said, I'll post more later, but one thing that echoes in my mind....I think Em posted it to me last summer, "You teach people how to treat you." You need to start cutting him off, and the first thing I would do is get his ass OFF of that insurance plan!!! I tend to go for the jugular with people who don't respect me, but more later when I do a longer post.

As far as my New Year's, Iceman and I are well and happy. We are just crazy about each other! Like a couple of kids in a candy store sharing a piece of chocolate HAPPY. Tomorrow will be 2 months since our first date on November 2nd! I have never really had a GOOD long kiss (like the guy meant it, and was actually trying to find my tonsils, too) at midnight on New Years. Iceman and I were so happy at the club we went to, dancing up front where my favorite band was! All of these balloons dropped at midnight (or so they say) and I didn't see ONE balloon in the air floating down because we just kept kissing each other! We were locked at the lips giggling for almost a minute, lol. I know, I know, I'll stop now, but we are doing great. I have to go into work tomorrow, so its nighty night.

Happy New Year to ALL of you, and BT and Queen, its looks like you're getting some snow! BT I heard you were supposed to get nearly another foot tonight!

Me and Billy stayed home for New Years. We watched the ball come down and gave each other a little peck because we are both a little sick with sore throats and snotty noses. Then an hour later he came out to the back yard where I was reading my book counting down 10-9-8-7... and gave me another little kiss. Just a simple night at home puttering around the house. The only difference is we stayed up later than usual.Which was fine with me. I didn't have to wear makeup, do my hair or get on the road with any crazies. I didn't feel up to it anyway. Plus since I work everyday I had to wake up at 7 am. Who ever gave Billy this cold needs a good kick in the balls. I hate feeling run down like this.

Happy New Years ladies. May you all have a wonderful year full of health, security and happiness.

Queen, I am so sorry about Rico's mother. Sometimes sons take losing their mother a little harder than daughters do. Depending, of course, on how close they were. I don't blame you for trying to comfort him. It's so extremely hard when mums die. Anyway, I don't know how you kept from bashing his ex in the face. That takes a lot of patience.

Cin, well, the prodigal daughter returns! It sounds like you had a really nice New Year's. Yes, we have a ton of snow. It snowed like 10 more inches between yesterday and last night. I hate all this snow! And, get this, Saturday-next Monday (that's as far ahead as they've forcasted) the temps are supposed to go from 38 to 50 and it's supposed to rain. Great! Then we won't be able to go anywhere because of all the flooding. Strange weather. My dad went on a rant yesterday about how much snow we used to get every winter "back about 15 years ago." Funny, I don't remember us getting this kind of snow all the time back then. But yes, we did get majorly, majorly dumped on. It's almost at an end, though. We're supposed to get another 3-5 inches today and then it's supposed to be over. In a couple hours, I'm gearing up and going out shoveling. I have some movies that are due back at the library today, but whether or not I get them there is up in the air right now. Anyway, I'll be glad when you have the time to catch us up on everything that's going on with you.

Wendy, I hate being sick also. I didn't go anywhere for New Year's Eve either. Of course, I wasn't sitting out in my yard like you were, as the floodgates opened with all this damn snow here. I hope you get to feeling better.

I don't know who is at fault for all this snow we got, but I'm sick of it already! I looked out my door this morning, and it doesn't even look like I did any shoveling yesterday. We got another 10 inches between yesterday and last night (we already had 9 inches) and we're supposed to get another 3-5 today. So, in a couple hours, I'll put on the snow gear, and go out and shovel and clean off my car. And then starting Saturday it's supposed to warm up and rain for three days. Great! Everything will be flooded then. Well, what can one do about the weather? Nada. Nil. Just live with it. Monday I have a doctor's appointment. Hopefully my phenotype results will be back by then. They're taking a really long time and I don't know why. But I'm ready to go on something. I've been so tired and run down lately. But what do I expect? My viral load was 300,000+. Just trying to have patience. I know it's not the doc's fault. I can't imagine what's taking the lab so long. OK, I'm done bitching about that (for now).

Classes start again next week also. For this eight weeks, I'm taking Social Psychology and Ethics. We have an assignment due the first night of class in Social Psychology. And the teacher is not even going to be there. But the secretary of the school will be, so I guess she'll be gathering the homework. Anyway, I already have the syllabus for the class and we are going to have so much frickin' homework! But I know the teacher, and that's the way she is. There's one assignment where we have to review five journal articles (yes, 5). If any of you are familiar with psychology journals, one article is about 30 pages long! Well, one thing at a time. I hope all you ladies are having a good day! Later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I definitely hear ya, and my heart is well guarded. There are only so many times that you can have your heart ripped out. It's a very resilient muscle.

Afraid- Don't go near this guy. He is very cruel and I question his intentions as to why he would would tell you such things. Obviously to hurt you but why does he want to create so much pain for someone. There are a lot of bad ex boyfriends but he is not typical. I'm not about to send him to Dr. Phil, cause this is about you You YOU. And it's you that matters! Just hold on and take your advice about taking this day by day. We're always here to talk. Ps- pm coming your way

Betty, I know what you mean about the snow. We got hit yesterday and I saw the city trucks putting salt out and plowing early this morning. Even with the hit we took yesterday, winter has still been kind of mild for us. Where are you again? The snow is not what is killing me, it's my gas bill. For December it was $227, got the bill last week and it jumped up to $669. I was like what the fuck!!! And I have been paying the bill. I called the gas company who swears it is accurate and got on their budget plan which is still out of my budget. I will be glad when winter is freaking over. I need to call my landlord because I think this apartment needs some serious weatherization.

As for Rico, he was very close to his mother and he is the youngest of all the children. He is taking it very hard but I know how he feels. I took it hard when my father passed. I was close to him and the youngest of his children. From what I have heard, he has been talking to his brother in Puerto Rico and is trying to get a way back there for the funeral. It will really hurt him if he misses it. It took everything in me not to say something to his ex. But from what I was told, other people was getting on her about it.

I really felt bad for his son because he was there when Rico broke down but he is too young to understand what was going on. Instead of his ex seeing to their son, she was too busy being wrapped up in her man. What was surprising though was that her man was actually trying to help console Rico. The ex showed me what kind of woman she is.

Well, I'm stuck inside until tomorrow (or the next day). I did shovel earlier today. Then someone else did. I was going to take the movies back to the library, but when I went out to clean off and start my car I was like "Brrrrrrrrrrrr!" It's only like 10 degrees outside and the wind is sharp. Oh, and Queen, I'm in northcentral Indiana. It's so frickin' cold! So, the library will have to wait. It's just way too cold and snowy to go anywhere. Who is responsible for all this mess?! Well, whoever ordered it, I wish upon them treacherous travelings.

Camms, I know you'll be careful. I just hate to see women getting hurt over and over again. Have you heard from him? What is he saying? (Yes, I'm nosey). No, just concerned.

Queen, I hope Rico can make it to Puerto Rico for the funeral. I can relate to him. I'm the youngest sibling in my family and when my mum died, it was awful. It still is. His ex must be some kind of skank ho. I don't know why some women have to be like that. You'd think she would have some grace and decency. I'm glad people were getting on her about telling him. How are you doing?

Well, ladies, I'm going to go curl up on my bed, get underneath a blanket and watch my soap opera (I can't believe I started watching it again). But you know how it goes, once you start, it's so hard to stop. I'M STILL COLD!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hey all! It sounds like everyone is trying to stay warm. I don't know how you do it! I can't stand being cold. If it goes below 72 I am freezing... The forcast says it is going to rain the rest of the week and I am bumming. I don't know what I would do if I had to live with snow. I have been spoiled w/the southern ca weather.

Afraid: I feel your pain. Just know that you are worth so much more...really, you are.

I go back to work next week so I am trying to enjoy what little tiem I have left.

I finally got up enough nerve to tell him today that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and that I could no longer be there for him financially either. He didn't even care that I was breaking my frienship off with him.. I can't even think straight I am so hurt, and I can't stop crying..when will the pain of all this be over, I can't take much more. I just feel like dying right now. I am so hurt, and now I am strating to question myself and wonder if I made the right decision even though I know I did.

HE’S WHY IT RAINS

IT IS THE SUMMER BUT YET I'M SO COLDBECAUSE THIS MAN, RAN AWAY WITH MY SOULI WONDER IF HE KNOWS, THAT ALTHOUGHSEPARATE PLACES WE WILL GOI WILL BE FILLED WITH SORROWYET HE WILL ALWAYS BE ON MY MINDBECAUSE HE WAS MY DEFINITION OF "FINE"AND AT TIMES I WOULD FIND MYSELF SAYINGIT WOULD BE NICE TO CALL HIM MINEYOU SEE HIS BEAUTY CANNOT BE DEFINEDAND THE WAY HE SMILED AND LAUGHED MADE MY HEART SHINE..OOH I WISH I COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIMESO WE COULD GO BACK TO THE BEGINNINGBUT THIS TIME IT WOULDN’T HAVE AN ENDINGJUST 2 PEOPLE LAUGHING AND GRINNINGI CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I LOVED THAT FEELING.MANY TIMES I FOUND MYSELF CONTEMPLATINGAND MEDITATING ON HOW THE BREAK UP WAS SO DEVASTATING.AND IT WAS AGGRAVATING THE HELL OUT OF MEBECAUSE I SAW WHAT I THEN C COULDN'T SEETHAT HE SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY.SO I MADE IT MY SOLE RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP HIM AS HAPPY AS COULD BETHINKING THAT EVENTUALLY THERE MAY BE A POSSIBILITY THAT HE WOULD LEAVE HER FOR ME...BUT HE EXPLAINED VERY CLEARLY THAT EVEN THOUGHTHERE IS CHEMISTRY ,HE CANNOT LEAVE HER FOR MEAND WHEN HIS VOICE WHICH SOUNDED LIKE A HARMONIC SYMPHONYUTTERED THOSE WORDS THAT HE SPOKE TO MEIT ALMOST KILLED ME.. AND I COULD FEEL MYSELF BEING SHOTAND I COULD FEEL THAT TIME HAD STOPPEDAND I COULD FEEL THAT MY HEART HAD DROPPEDAND IN THAT INSTANT... I KNEW THAT I COULD ONLY LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCESOON TO BE ERASED FROM HIS REMEMBRANCEAND I KNEW THAT MY INSPIRATION AND MY TEMPTATION WHICH GAVE ME ME THAT INCREDIBLE SENSATION .. WOULD BE NO MORE..AND I WOULD HAVE TO WALK OUT OF HIS HEARTS DOORNEVER TO RETURN.. AND YES, MY HEART DOES BURNYET THIS IS A MORAL OF ANOTHER LESSON LEARNEDYOU CAN'T ALWAYS HAVE WHAT YOU WANTBECAUSE SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE HERE JUST TO TAUNT..NOW BEFORE I SHED THIS LAST TEAR, IT IS MY DEEPEST FEARTHAT HE WILL FORGET THIS PAST YEARAND FROM HIS MEMORIES I WILL DISAPPEAR.. BUT HIS VOICEIS THE LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR .BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BRING ME CHEERAND AS I RACE TO LEAVE THIS PLACE BECAUSE I CANNOT FACE SEEING HIS BEAUTYI MADE IT MY DUTY, TO LEAVE HIM BE..BECAUSE HE DOES NOT BELONG TO MEAND WHEN WE SAY ALL THERE IS TO SAY, AND WHEN EVERYTHING IS FINALLY SAIDTHE WIND WILL BLOW OUT THE CANDLEAND THE FIRE WILL BE DEAD.. NOW I'M LEFT IN THE DARK CRYING THESE TEARS OF PAINAND NOW YOU KNOW..... JUST WHY IT RAINS