Questioningly: Post-Game Wrap-Up

Were you ready for some football? In last week’s Questioningly, we set aside literature and politics to focus on the opening weekend of the pro football, and asked you to imagine a remark that will not be spoken by an announcer this season, not even once.

For starters, we should note that there were tons of Tim Tebow jokes. A significant minority of the respondents imagined that announcers will not have the opportunity to say “Nice pass by Tim Tebow” or “Beautiful tight spiral by Tim Tebow” or “Quick thinking by Tim Tebow.” In the Jets’ blowout win yesterday over the Bills, he lined up with the team’s offense for only nine snaps, carrying the ball five times for eleven yards, attempting zero passes. And yet, announcers focussed on him throughout the game. Was the experiment working? Was the wildcat formation loosening up defenses for Mark Sanchez? So while we applaud those respondents for trying to stem the tide of Tebowmania, let’s not forget: nearly everything about Tebow gets said eventually. (Or maybe not: read Nicholas Dawidoff’s piece about the Sanchez, Tebow, and the Jets in this week’s issue.)

Other answers struck at the heart of football announcing’s need to fill dead air, such as @ChromaGeddon’s “I cannot think of a single remark to make about that last play, witty or otherwise” and @WolmanTweets “I’m just going to let that amazing play and accompanying roar of the crowd tell the story, and not say anything at all.” (Older fans will remember Don Ohlmeyer’s announcerless game brainstorm of the 1980 season, in which he broadcast a Dolphins-Jets game on NBC without any talking, only a short introduction by Bryant Gumbel.)

Some went the other way, and composed utterly meaningless chatter for their imaginary announcers, like @guywriter’s “Remember Amanda Blake? Miss Kitty on Gunsmoke? If she’d married George Blanda, she’d have been Amanda Blanda. Weird, huh?” And others mocked football for its macho pretensions (@yoyology’s “He’s a hell of a tight end, Ted, and he was on the Dean’s List for Women’s Studies at Sarah Lawrence”), its violence (@someothercraig’s “Ow! That’s gonna cause some brain damage…”), and its pretentious, macho participants (@anglescott “And yet another class move by one of the true gentlemen of the game, Chad Johnson!”).

In the end, we liked the suggestions that tweaked the N.F.L. for its subtle anti-intellectual strain, the way that it plays up playing down. Analysts and announcers are frequently brilliant enough in their normal lives, and often in the way they see the game (Gruden, anyone), and yet it’s rare that anyone sees fit to mention a book, scientist, or painter over the course of a telecast. (They have less of a problem mentioning shows that happen to be broadcast on the same network.) We received many suggestions along these lines, including @deeohtee’s “Such a violent dénouement evokes December 12, 1920, when Ravel’s ‘La valse, un poème choréographique’ had its Paris premiere.” And while that particular suggestion was quite a mouthful, it opened our eyes to similar suggestions, including our runner-up, @jthieg’s ”He’s as elusive as the Higgs boson,” and our winner, @MichaelDoyle10’s “And now Laurie Anderson is coming out to sing the National Anthem.” We await that anthem, and we thank everyone who participated in this week’s Questioningly.