Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

Priorities: A 36-year-old man called police after he was threatened over the phone. He told police that he called the suspect's residence to speak with the mother of his children, or baby's mama, if you will. The suspect answered the phone and stated, "I'm going to kill you, and I'm going to knock you out." The victim stated he is worried because he is going to visit his daughter today. Looks like you have a new member of the family to visit now, too!

I Can Fly: A woman called police after her brother threatened to commit suicide. She told dispatchers that her brother was on the third floor balcony threatening to jump to his death. I'm not so sure that would be guaranteed. You might just be jumping to a much shittier life than the one that you've already deemed unlivable.

Being Considerate: A 52-year-old man called police after being threatened by a man who was open to possibilities. The suspect called him at 3 a.m. and asked, "Do you want the windows to your car busted or the ones to your house?" Would you like to be locked up for two full weeks or seven weekends?

Imagine That: Police were called to ImaginOn Children's Theatre and Youth Library after a statue was damaged. Employees told police a kid was skateboarding through the halls when he knocked into a fragile statue and broke it. Whose grand idea was it to put a fragile statue in a facility made for small children?

Fuhgedaboutit: A 34-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone. She told police that she had called the suspect in regard to their working environment. During the conversation the suspect said that she would "call the family and put a hit out" on the victim. What exactly is this working environment? Does it happen to be a strip club called Bada Bing?

Caught Slippin': Police responded to a call for service after someone called 911 and stated that two children had been playing on a frozen lake and fell through the ice. A total of three people were removed from the lake when medics arrived, including a nine-year-old girl. All kidding aside, please tell your children this can't be done on this – the warmer – side of the Mason-Dixon line.

No Shit, Sherlock: A 37-year-old woman called police after being threatened and harassed by an ex-boyfriend. She told police the man called her 25 times over a single weekend. At one point the suspect stated, "I am gonna get you bitch. I got the number for a private investigator, and I know where you live." What is it that you need a private investigator for again?

Candy Man: A 23-year-old woman called police after someone used her credit card to make purchases. The woman found out that someone went online with her credit card number and ordered $1,284 worth of candy. What exactly does a criminal do with that much candy?

Candy Man 2: A 48-year-old man called police after someone vandalized his car. He told officers that he saw someone standing near the gas tank of his car at 11 p.m. When he approached his car the next morning, he found that someone had attempted to stuff candy bars into his gas tank. Well, I guess that answers my previous question.

Duel: A 46-year-old woman called police and stated that a known suspect had been threatening her all day long. She told officers the suspect stated, "If I see you in the street you better have a knife because I'm going to kill your ass." I tell this to friends all the time. If I see you in the street, you better have a Loafing because I'm going to Blotter your ass.

Focus: A 45-year-old man called police after having his bike stolen right out from under his nose. The man locked his bicycle to a rack, and when he returned, he could not find his keys to unlock the bike. He then left the scene and came back with security to find that his bike was gone. When they went back to watch the security cameras, the man saw that right after he locked the bike up a man approached, unlocked it from the rack and walked away. The victim then saw his own dumb ass approach the bike, search his pockets and walk away. The suspect then came and stole it after the victim never checked the lock. If you followed that, congratulations: You are smarter than everyone involved.

Threat of the Week: An 18-year-old man called police after being threatened by a very ignorant man. The victim, who is white, told officers that a known suspect called him five times in 20 minutes. During one call, the suspect stated, "I'm going to beat your ass. I'm going to kill you. You're a stupid nigger. You're a disgrace to the white race." The victim was standing in a Taco Bell at the time of this call.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.