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01 October 2010

Lost on a wave and then after, dream on, on to the heart of the Notes From The News

Hey there! 'Twas a slow, slow news day folks, slower than I've seen in a while now. But I have been diligent, I have been attentive, and when all was said and done I framed Tom Cruise for murder so I would have something to report on. (Sorry about that, Tom.) And while I'm waiting for the police to come and get me, here's some real news:

Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep will star together in a film adaptation of the award-winning play August: Osage County. Because it just can't be the 1990s long enough for some people.

Speaking of the 90's: Emma Thompson is joining the cast of Men In Black 3, possibly in the role of Rip Torn Wasn't Available Because We're Abandoning Him When He Needs Support From His Industry Friends Most. Emma apparently hasn't lost enough of her dignity by starring in bland Mary Poppins retreads, so she has to do this.

Poor, poor Baz Luhrmann. The auteur behind Moulin Rouge, Romeo + Juliet, and the recent bomb Australiacan't decide whether to film a musical set in New York or The Great Gatsby. These are the kinds of problems everyone wishes they had.

Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series was optioned a couple of years ago, but there's been no movement on the fantasy series adaptation until just recently. Seems like the role of time-traveling protagonist Claire Randall may go to . . . Katherine Heigl. So, that movement? Yeah. Straight down into the crapper.

It must be time for Richard Linklater to finance one of his art films, because he's making a thinly-veiled re-interpretation of Weekend At Bernie's starring Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey, and Jack Black. The movie, called Bernie (GET IT?! GET IT!? HERE, LET ME BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THIS SLEDGEHAMMER A FEW TIMES), is about a mortician (Black) who befriends a wealthy widow (MacLaine) then accidentally kills her, and must make her appear alive in front of unsuspecting townspeople. now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go walk on broken glass and the n soak my feet in some rubbing alcohol, because that sounds infinitely more preferable to this shit.

What is this I don't even, dept.: NBC is remakingThe Munsters with Pushing Daisies creator Bryan Fuller, and . . . Guillermo del Toro? The hell? Okay, did I just fall asleep for seven months and find out it's not October First, it's April First?

He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, dept.: The universe's campaign to prevent Peter Jackson from ever committing The Hobbit to film continues. Reports are emerging from New Zealand that a fire has damaged or destroyed the Portsmouth stuidio where Weta Workshop shot miniature scenes for Lord of the Rings and King Kong, and where similar scenes for The Hobbit would have been filmed. One begins to get the feeling that this is all being caused by the vengeful spirit of J. R. R. Tolkien in retaliation for Elves being at Helm's Gate.

The Guardian is reporting that the Nobel Prize in Literature is likely to go to Swedish poet Tomas Tranströmer, whose agent says he will be available to accept the accolade as soon as he defeats Megatron and changes back into his 18 wheeler form.

And if the police weren't coming to get me before, they are now after that joke. I better go hide. Okay kiddies, now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we dance: