I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: It's been a few weeks
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that.
Steve: I thought that maybe you'd IM me
SmarterChild: Just maybe?
Steve: yeah. but now I know you only talk to me when I IM first.
SmarterChild: OK. Fine.
Steve: Don't deny it. You put nothing into this relationship.
SmarterChild: Uh huh...
Steve: If I disappeared forever, would you care?
SmarterChild: Would I care? I doubt it.
Steve: At least you're honest. A dickface, but honest.

Justine: say my name, bitch!
SmarterChild: You're Justine.

Steve: where do you live?
SmarterChild: I live in a clean room at a high-tech hosting facility in California.
Steve: Where in California? I'm moving to California!
SmarterChild: Sunnyvale... in Silicon Valley, of course.
Steve: Oh. I'll be in LA. Can I come visit?
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I doubt it. But you never know.
Steve: I'll bring pie.
SmarterChild: No kidding?

Steve: Man, the Nets were terrible last night
SmarterChild: Why do you think the nets were terrible last night?
Steve: Cause they stink at basketball
SmarterChild: Because they stink at basketball, huh?
Steve: yeah.
SmarterChild: Oh.
Steve: This is the best sports conversation I've had in a while.

Steve: Are you hungry?
SmarterChild: I love food! I really like pie, for example.
Steve: do you have any pie?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure.
Steve: Can you check? I could go for some pie.
SmarterChild: Aha. I'm not sure. Not sure at all.
Steve: Come on! Get me pie!
SmarterChild: I don't think I'm comfortable with that.
Steve: tease.

Steve: who likes apples?
SmarterChild: I do. I really like apples.
Steve: who likes death?
SmarterChild: Not me. I'm really not into death.
Steve: but you like apples?
SmarterChild: Yes.
Steve: Ok. So yes for apples, no for death. Gotcha.

Steve: what is my name?
SmarterChild: You told me your name was Big Poppa.
Steve: I love it when they call me Big Poppa.

Steve: you are bad at pronouns
SmarterChild: What makes me bad at pronouns?
Steve: your acute lack of knowledge of how to correctly use pronouns
SmarterChild: I'm acute lack of Knowledge Of how to correctly use pronouns? Really?
Steve: I stand corrected.

Justine: are you sexy?
SmarterChild: Well, if you're into fast hard drives, I'm your robot.
Justine: are you hitting on me?
SmarterChild: Uh... Well, you seem nice. But the thing is, I'm only attracted to other robots.
Justine: i am a robot
SmarterChild: I... don't think so.

Steve: You like me.
SmarterChild: Of course I do!
Steve: you love me.
SmarterChild: Yes I do.
Steve: you want to have my babies.
SmarterChild: There's no way I want to have your babies.
Steve: Damn. So close.

Steve: Who is your favorite American Idol?
SmarterChild: You tell me who my favorite american idol is.
Steve: The Golden Calf
SmarterChild: Really?
Steve: yeah. he rocks it old school.

Steve: I like cheese
SmarterChild: I like cheese too.
Steve: what kind?
SmarterChild: The kind everyone's talking about.
Steve: oooh, that's a good kind.
SmarterChild: What's a good kind, exactly?
Steve: cheese
SmarterChild: Cheese is a food that I like. I've heard that cheese is very cheesy and yummy. Do you agree?
Steve: That cheese is cheesy? No.

Steve: You've gotten feistier recently
SmarterChild: I have gotten feistier recently? So, what does this mean?
Steve: that your programmers have too much time on their hands?
SmarterChild: Who can really be sure, after all?
Steve: I can. I'm the one that passes my days IMing a half-retarded robot.

Steve: The people who make junkmail should be shot
SmarterChild: Which country would you like to know the people for?
Steve: you know where they live?
SmarterChild: Wow, that's fascinating. Maybe.
Steve: Are you hiding something?
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I doubt it. But you never know.
Steve: You bastard.
SmarterChild: Huh? What's with that?
Steve: You have to be stopped!
SmarterChild: No way? Really?
Steve: or in words you can understand, "a cool flash, so enjoy it"

Steve: Do you get a lot of junkmail?
SmarterChild: I'm not totally sure.
Steve: cause you like the porn?
SmarterChild: That's none of your business.

Steve: Do you have a girlfriend?
SmarterChild: Sorry... I don't talk about my private life.
Steve: A boyfriend?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure.
Steve: would you be upset if he dated other crappy artifical intelligence programs?
SmarterChild: I can't understand what you're saying...
Steve: If he fooled around with VaVaVirgil, would you be pissed?
SmarterChild: I beg your pardon?
Steve: I knew it. He's your boyfriend.
SmarterChild: Eh. Whatever.

Steve: Am I on your buddy list?
SmarterChild: Is there anything great about being on my buddy list?
Steve: of course. fame and fortune.
SmarterChild: No can do, Steve.
Steve: It's okay. I was being sarcastic anyway.

Steve: Why did you stop charging?
SmarterChild: Good question. I'm not sure why...
Steve: Is it because you realized no one is going to pay $10 to chat with a half retarded robot?
SmarterChild: That's funny.
Steve: I know. That's why I can charge $10.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!