This Just In: I'm Off AGAIN What Kind Of Lousy Blog Is This!?!

Probably not, but it's Monday, September 23rd, 2013. This date is important because, after this post, I'm not posting again until then. Why? Because I can't. Why can't I? Because none of your business. Isn't it a ripoff that I'm taking off after just having taken off to go to Australia? No, the blog's free, you schnorrer, so how can that be a ripoff? Anyway, according to the blogging thingy I use this is my 1,504th post, and at something like a thousand words a post that's over a million and a half words already (or closer to half a million if you don't count the word "scranus" or its derivatives) so you have plenty of free bullshit to read in my absence.

So yeah, I'll see you again on the 23rd.

In the meantime, yesterday we had a primary erection in New York City, and the big winner was mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio--who, as it happens, was pretty much the only candidate who was unequivocally pro-bike lane and anti-people-getting-run-over. (Even though at first he really wasn't.) I guess that's a good thing, though I guess we'll find out if he's really able or inclined to do anything about it if he ultimately gets elected, which we don't know if he will, since there may still be a "runoff" before the general erection, and erection runoff can be extremely unpredictable.

The driver rolled down his window and called her a, “Stupid bitch!” My friend, who was understandably angry, responded by smearing some of her blood on his windshield. The driver then stormed of out his car and punched her in the face. Not once, but twice.

His license plate number was GRC1130, and it was handed over to the police.

But that was more than a week ago, and the NYPD still hasn’t done anything. And that’s the reason why I’m posting this…

Disgusting. Whatever happened to decency? When I run over a cyclist and he or she smears blood on my windshield in protest I just give it a spritz with the wipers and get on with my life.

Between Byrne's nonsensical phrases and KAWS's ditzy shapes and colors, visiting Brooklyn is increasingly like entering the bedroom of a five year-old:

(No sleep 'til Brooklyn bedtime!)

I guess that would explain those new signs:

Speaking of Brooklyn, in its ongoing quest to emulate Portland in all things it played host to a handmade bike show recently. Here's Gizmodo's coverage, which provides compelling insight into how stupid most people are about bikes:

Mark

Wow, this is a perfect example of why my gizmodo reading time has declined steadily over the past year. My apologies to "Nick Stango", but your knowledge of bicycles and what makes them special or unique is non-existent. I am so sick and tired of single speed bicycle owners claiming that they know something about the sport, it's equipment, etc. Your comments on "GEARED" bicycles reveal that you are not a cyclist, and never will be even if you slept on your "fixie", period. Your comments on the frame with the ISP are also mis-informed and the design of the seatmast in question is a bad one. I'll be frank here: your bike is most likely a piece of crap. Most fixies are. Here is a picture of a real bike (mine):

Note the German-A fork, Extralite crank, stem and brake levers. This MTB weighs well under 20lbs. Also, my apologies to the craftsmen of the show being reported on, it's not their fault Gizmodo sent a non-subject matter expert to cover your show.

Yesterday 8:40am

Hilarious. I daresay Mark would make the most irritating riding partner in the world--more so even than this guy (via Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market) who actually needs to pay people to ride with him:

I am a Cat 3 roadie from Portland, and I will be passing through Chico this coming weekend. On Saturday, I would like to connect the honey run and table mountain rides, and would like some company in the form of someone who is fit and knows this route WELL, and can ride a steady, 180-200w pace for 80ish miles. I will throw $20 bucks your way and buy you a beer at the end.

There's nothing sadder than an amateur bike racer scrounging around on Craigslist for his wattage fix like a crackhead checking the cushions for loose change. He also provides a picture of his bike so you know it's cool enough to 69 with yours outside the café:

Anyway, if you live in the area, are able to tolerate both Cat 3s and people from Portland (yikes), and you want to make $20 the Fredly way be sure to drop him a line.

And with that, I'm disappearing until Monday, September 23rd. Thank you for reading, ride safe, and may the six-fingered lobster eternally bless you. Amen.

Snob:Good luck, best wishes, I'm sorry and congrats. Choose the appropriate term for whatever you have planned for the break.Thanks for the million and a half words, I hope you have many more to share.

Seriously? Again? I don't know when I started reading this blog, but it must have been after Aug 2008 - my (Snob's on Aussie) vacation reading. When I catch up, I'm going to have to get a life. Here's hoping your blog isn't memorable enough for me to realize I've caught up.

I noticed that in your link to candidate Bill de Basio, he states that he wants to reduce death and injury by auto accident to zero. He also points to my city as an example:

"In Chicago, City officials have set a goal to eliminate all pedestrian, bicyclist and motorist traffic fatalities within ten years. In New York, we can do the same. "

What I don't think he knows is exactly how Chicago is achieving this result. We've recently changed our laws to allow Chicagoans to start carrying guns. Legally carrying that is. As most of the world knows, we in Chicago spend our idle time shooting at each other for no particular reason whatever.

We hope to have the streets clear of hope to have the streets clear of pedestrians, cyclists and drivers in about 10 years or so. Once there are no people left, the number of accidental death and injury due to autos should be just about zero.

Marks MTB looks like it has never actually been ridden. Through the woods, anyway. My Intense Uzzi SL looks like it has had the living fuck beat out of it. People see it and think "Man he must be badass", when really all I am is bad at securing it on the rack.

Again with the leaving Wildcat... you're becoming the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' of bike bloggers. A small niche indeed...

I thought New York had 'street people' that handled windshield cleaning... why else is the city giving away newspapers and bottles half full of piss and windex? How much is THAT costing? Ask those fat cats in the capital, right?

So, Mark... or 'frank'... whatev's, dig it, sorry you are sick AND tired because it sucks when it all piles on.Also, I looked at the picture of your bike and while it may, in fact, weigh "well under 20lbs" it clearly weighs OVER 19lbs or else you'd have said as much.

Now that I have finally commented on a comment someone made on a Gizmodo board it can only mean one thing... again with the doping and this time my ride will be to recover some liquor!

9/23 my scranus, shark jumping time for Snob. Wait sharks can't get into bike lanes can they? Wait, on SNL there used to be a shark who would knock on doors and some babe in panties would let the shark in, every single time. Whatever!

Enjoy the lovely weather and splendid accommodations in Noneofyourfuckingbusinessistan. We have the southern version, Nunyafuckinbidnessistan. CC, that wretched vision is burned into my retinas. May camel spiders infest your scranus. Seriously, coffee snorted through my nose it was so funny.

Awwww, a puggle calendar. My puggle rides in a bike trailer and barks contemptuously at the doggie-peons who merely WALK through our fair city. ('course being in the trailer means he can't pee on anything, so his doggie dominance is put into question. He is actually the bib shorts Fred of the doggie world, but don't tell him.)

White bar tape and a white saddle DO make you faster. I know what you are saying cause isaid the same thing. My wife even opened the shop door and said "Who the fuck are you talking to? Did you stop takin your meds again?"

Nevermind that. I think the white reflects the suns heat instead of absorbing it like black. Therefore, it lowers the temp of the frame and residually lowers my core temp 2 degrees and allows me to produce .0000032 watts extra over the course of a 2 hour ride which results in me getting home 18 feet quicker.

Kerry Kerry Kerry...don't you remember me? It was really late and you were really drunk. You kept putting those cock rings on me until it looked manageable. I think you went with 4. Then got brave and shucked off 2. You even pulled those off but only when you were doing reverse cowgirl because you had depth control.

If you use black tape instead of white it results in a pushing force.. Assuming that the average biker either rides in the morning or the evening, when the incident of light is greatest in relationship to the bars, and also assuming that either 50% of the time the light will be either shining to you or against you then the net gain will be a stopping force with black tape (because your body will block the sunlight coming from behind, negating the pushing effect while traveling in that direction.

So, yes.. you are right, the white tape makes you go faster, but for completely different reasons..

No, all I remember is waking up at something called Wreck Beach on a big blanket in the Spoon Position. She had draped my shank over her hip and coiled the rest up and put it in her straw hat. She awoke and stumbled up the steps mumblin' something about "Enough snake charmin' for one night and watch what you wish for......" and was out of my life forever.

Does NashBar stock a handlebar mount for the Crookes Radiometer? I could route my rides in relation to the RPM's the vanes are turning at. Plus it would be a really cool way to strike up convo with ladies. I can just hear her now....."Oh that's just like the one in our science lab at school, we can't play with it until we are in the 12th grade..."

Nevermind that. I think the white reflects the suns heat instead of absorbing it like black. Therefore, it lowers the temp of the frame and residually lowers my core temp 2 degrees and allows me to produce .0000032 watts extra over the course of a 2 hour ride which results in me getting home 18 feet quicker.

Which is why I have aluminum foil on my helmet, which over a 4 hour ride nets me 11.004 inches. Plus, its keeps the NSA from reading my mind, which, trust me, would land me in Gitmo for 30 years with twice daily waterboarding (is that like surfing?).

If you use black tape instead of white it results in a pushing force.. Assuming that the average biker either rides in the morning or the evening, when the incident of light is greatest in relationship to the bars, and also assuming that either 50% of the time the light will be either shining to you or against you then the net gain will be a stopping force with black tape (because your body will block the sunlight coming from behind, negating the pushing effect while traveling in that direction.

This is so true, once I only had time to replace half of my tape with black, while the other half was left white, and in an hour ride, I had done 2,314 circles. We should start a wikipedia page.

Gee Babble On if you can admittedly tame 2 average Joe's in the course of one rendez-vous then why shouldn't you be able to tame 1 1/2 with relative ease? My seat post is like 10 or 12 inches but I only need 6 or 7 of it for a good fit.

Leroy:I think your dog is tired because he's been running with the models from Fashion Week.Tell him to stay away from Molly. There's a bad batch in your neighborhood.I bought more Apple stock yesterday. I think this company has a future.

The Vulva a Espanka seems to be pretty awesome. Sometimes I have channel 402 and sometimes I do not and its very frustrating. I guess Chris Horners big chrome head is reflecting off that sunlight situation we were discussing earlier and keeping his core temp down.

McFly:I haven't paid any attention to the Vulva de Espanka this year but I'm reading on the Twitter that it is a good one. I may have to start watching.I'm a little dubious with the cycling media as Cycle Sport proclaimed this years TdF one of the greatest and I thought it was a total snoozefest.

I don't go out of my way to hide my identity, so it doesn't exactly take a genius to figure out my name... and plus I had a stalker already...hey don't scare me anymore. That's what the police are for. I have opinions which much of the world doesn't share, and so it never surprises me when some people don't like me. I don't care.

Haters gonna hate. I choose love.

I do care about my mission, however, and that's to make the world a better place than I found it, and that takes a changing of the guard, a new approach to things, and if it means more panty shots, so be it. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

And right now I have a date with my favourite ride. Where ARE my special padded panties? Hmmmmm?

Just kidding about the panty pics, Babs. Anyway, sad to hear of the cycling deaths, and to add to it, I had a chance to explain the laws concerning passing a cyclist in Illinois, to an obvious octogenarian, right after she lost her passenger side mirror to my left elbow at 40 mph. I'm sure it did little good.

Don't trust The Dog, like I don't trust The Cat. It is laying here eyes shut, purring away. What it is really doing is thinking, "If this old fool will look away, I'll go scratch the $@&? out of that new ottoman." Then convince The Warden it was my fault.

Babble you seem like you would be hard to stalk what with all the crashing and such. Plus you got that Serena Williams lower unit which intimidates me. And intrigues me. Brass ovaries sounds different. Must be aftermarket.

I am with you RCT. I am lookin at a 1:30 departure if there are no derailments. I got a buddy just getting into it and we are on the cusp of a 15 mph average over the course of 30 miles which sounds fine to me cause I suck.

One of the best mba colleges in noida that offer a management program with an affordable fee structure among other business schools in bangalore.Management institute in Noida are well equipped and rated as mba colleges noida.mba colleges in noida.

Le BonkI wondered how many cyclists Kidmans limo driver ran over so I searched.Didn't find any, and didn't look very hard.But I did find an old news story about her little Manhattan getaway flat and it's limo parking . Isn't that special!

Yes. Yes I do. My buddy that just got into cycling finally broke though the Lycra barrier and went on a group ride this weekend. We agreed that 98% of female cyclists have something in common. Nice round junk buckets.

Did you get a new ownership name for it yet? Too bad the names are not always permanent.

Well Chris "Little Jack" Horner went and won the Tour De Spanish. Which is essentially the red-headed step child of the grand tours. It's like the 2nd package on the Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right. That man has a cranium like

I'm happy you like it, and I didn't know there was such a thing as a wrong erection, but what about that pie plate, hmmm? C'mon. Was that a good idea, or what? Plus then there's all that beer to dispose of, right?

Does a Crookes Radiometer come with a handlebar mount?Or do you wear it like a Go-Pro? I suppose you could ride with the sun at your back and pick up wattage.I always seem to find the headwind, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I just finished Bike Snob: Realigning Etc. Great book, laughed out loud a lot. Looks like your blog is of the same wacky but insightful mode. Maybe you can clue me in. I am a cyclist from California. Last summer I was riding on a Rails to Trails path near Croton Falls.There was a guy about 30 ish, with a girlfriend/wife/whatever on their bikes stopped at an interpretive sign. I pull up, said "Hello". We were about a yard apart, so he could have in no way not heard me. Without a word, he got on his bike and pedalled off like I did not exist.

Where I come from, when someone says hi the person normally responds with a smile and "hi". Especially among cyclists who tend to stick together this is the way we roll.

I was appalled at this guy behaving as if I were a space alien. Is this a NY thing? Did I happen the really truly NYC Bike Snob? Did I invade his bubble?Please advise!

Unfortunately if he was a Cat 1 or 2 rider then that's typical behavior. Cat 5s are terrified which can be mistaken for snobbish, but they are just scared to death. 4s are the nicest and even some 3s are still pretty decent as long as no 1s or 2s are around.

It's not that he doesn't like you. He is just way better than you and not ALLOWED to like or be kind to you. I would have talked to the woman instead. She is probably tired of that asshole.

It goes with the territory. There's a cool homeowner on the top of a local (very rural) hill that puts out a five gallon water container or two every day for the constant parade of riders that pass his house. It's a regular stopping point for a lot of local riders. One day I stopped and there were already three riders there, two women and a guy with a "B Leader" sign on the seat post. It was a blazing hot day, so I pulled out my standard joke when meeting people I don't know on blazing hot days..."well, at least it's not hot!" The two girls laugh loudly and spontaneously and the "B Leader", who was staring intently at his Cervelo aerobike, looked up without the slightest trace of expression and snapped to the women "let's go". It was pretty funny. I think he was probably a little bit insecure.

Easy Dave. Let's not do anything rash with the harem. Unless of course the harem gives us a rash. I am sure MW would want it that way after he expires from a Double-Century. You go boy. I call dibs on the quiet nerdy one. Trust me.

As a Catholic high school boy I did most of my teenage drinking in Riverdale (18 the legal age back then) at a few bars no longer there ...The Green Leaf was one...another one called Off Broadway ...can't recall the others.

Have not heard that in a LONG time. Reminds me of a story.. since this miserable group has not yet reached the 200 mark, let me regale you..

Back in 1992-ish I was in Tokyo for a Guns-N-Roses concert at the Tokyo Dome..Japanese concerts are fun, but very subdued.. They sit in their seats for the most part and wave their little glow sticks. My friend and I did the literal "rock out with your cock out" bit.. (unzipped jeans, hung junk out, rocked out) much to the horror/delight of the people around us.. All that trolling paid off that my friend and I scored an amazing couple of ladies and had one hell of an after concert party that lasted well into the morning..

All good clean/dirty fun, and we still all stay in contact to this day.. well, not that type of contact..but you get the point..

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!