the writings and musings of Spencer Wentland

Monthly Archives: October 2005

So this weekend at convention was aswsome. Then I came home and read the posts on my xanga. Talk about depressing. Still, it could be worse. I prayed afterwards and felt that God was encourging me to live joyiously even though I feel depressed about school. I have hope and trust that we can do this.

Words of Wisdom: “Do not go about spreading slander among you people” (Leviticus 19:16).

yesterday, wensday, i went to church. i really felt convicted about the way i have felt about kimberly, both as a school and as a body. The reason being i have been me focused in stead of Christ focused or Christ centered. last night i tried to refocus myself, and it works. i love you guys and i am sorry for any way i ingnored the beauty in each of you. concerning what i =posted in my las post. yes kimberly has clicks, but so do most high schools located in suburbia. its just reality so i should deal with it. i was wrong about the theater people, i know they are good people and like i sad, i felt like have not belonged. but i will give it time. maybe if i start to get to know people more things, also, will get better. i am just looking for friends and a place to belong. it might take time but its better then nothing, no?

and i quote myself; “i have this awful feeling about going back to kimbelry like all the choir/theater people are going to ostrasize me becasue i left. and more, what if become like fodder. i just feel like they may have there established click and i just don’t fit. hell its kimbelry. no offesne to any kimabelianites. but i can’t stand the clickiness. those stupid unwritten rules about who can hang out with who. nobody is really accepted. everything must be carfully anayzed before spoken in fear of condemnation. i can’t even ask to hang out with someone and i get that stare like who the hell are you.”

I don’t know if it really just because I left because I was not really ever in Kimberly’s clicks. I could always see it, and I see it now even more. At Kimberly I always have the feeling like I am on the outside looking in. Except for a few, I have no real friends. I see plastic people walk rather empty hallways. I don’t mean to be harsh or offend anyone but i don’t think people understand how much it hurts to be let out all the time. Tonight Megan drooled poison all over me. She said that she thinks I lie alot and that I just try to get attention. Plastic people. She does not even know me, she never has and in that short time when we were getting to know each other she thought it would be fun to step on me. I tried to ignore it. It was peroird in my life were I did not really have any friends, I was stuggling with my sexuality and my faith and i desperatly needed help. I mean after years of being on the outside, often alone its not ok for me to try and find friends? I guess I just don’t understand her reasoning, after all she gave no justification so I guess there is no logic or reason. and i don’t lie often. I am human, so i am not perfect but I really don’t ever lie except on those rare times were my grade depended on it. which does not make it point. anyways, lie? was that the first thing that came to her mind. its not just her, its her in a series of events that just make me cold inside. I guess peolple don’t realize how much their sharp words hurt. Thank God my mom actually understands and I am most likely west bound at semester. I seriously don’t even know why I tried to optomistic about coming back to kimberly. unless some drastic change were to happen in my socail life at kimberly i am gone for sure. treated like an equal. beloning, not just on the outside looking in. not be pre-judged. not being streotyped. not being made fun off. no being respected. not being laughed at. not being the class joke. not being. the sad thing is i am not really making this up. it might be nice if i was a chronic liar and just made these things up so people would feel bad for me but its the truth. i guess this is my last plea before i just fold. i don’t want people to be sorry for me but i would be lieing if i was not saying that need help from people, i need to feel like i belong.