Thursday, January 31, 2008

I May Already Be a Winner

I got an amazing e-mail this morning from the Reverend Father Peter Clark, a Director of Special Duties at a little known but highly influential NGO: The United Nations Organisation in Conjunction With the International Monetary Fund World Bank Fact-Finding & Special Duties Office London UK (UNOCIMFWB-FFSD London). Reverend Clark, who I daresay is not a native English speaker, writes to seek my help in resolving a complicated payment problem of international proportions.

Rev. Clark and another officer of UNOCIMFWB-FFSD London has arranged to make a payment to me (with reference number LM-05-371) of $10 million (US). Why? According to the World Bank's security computer, I have been waiting a long time to receive this payment, sadly without success. The good news is that at long last, I have met "all the statutory requirements in respect of [my payment]."

Anticipating some suspicion on my part (how could I have not noticed that the UNOCIMFWB-FFSD London owed me $10 million?), Rev. Clark explained that my problem is that of "interest groups." "A lot of people are interested in [my] payment and those people are merely doing paper works with [me]." Interest groups messing with paper works explains why I "receive difffent kinds of untrue fax and phone messages from different people every day." Rev. Clark seems to anticipate my paranoia. He explains that he has uncovered that "officials and parastatals" have been extorting a lot of money from me with the pretext of helping me receive my money. Rev. Clark urges me to "do away" with these parasites. And the best way to do it is to remain silent about his news that my $10 million payment is on the way.

My payment, it appears, will be shipped to me in a "security proof box weighing 75Kg." I'm naturally curious about this, because a $10 million check weighs only a couple of mgs. Rev. Clark has already tried all the commercial courrier companies to arrange for shipment. But they all turned him down. It seems that commercial courriers require the right to open all packages for customs inspection. The box containing my payment can't go commercial because it's been "padded with synthetic nylon and to open it [I] will have to cut the pad before [I] will meet the button that [I] will press to open the dial code-lock." The sad fact is that there is no way customs or anyone else can open the box and re-close it.

I'm in luck though because Rev. Clark discovered that there is a "security courrier services specializing in diplomatic materials that can carry my box without passing through customs anywhere." (Rev. Clark assures me that the courrier in question is an "expact" and I have "Notting" to worry about). All I have to do to set the security courrier in motion with my box is to donate $500,000 to any charity I designate as soon as I receive the box. To facilitate my "donation," I am to execute a promissory note for $500,000 to Rev. Clark which he will hold until further instruction from me.

Why me? Why have I been singled out for this top secret diplomatic international payments transaction? It's not what you might think. Rev. Clark assures me that the UNOCIMFWB-FFSD London has chosen to help me get $9.5 million richer "because [I] am an honest person."