You certainly weren't a "child" in the conventional sense of the word. In some states you were above the legal age of consent, and/or old enough to be put on trial as an adult. I know of two other guys here who were abused at 16, asked the same question, and were told by the userbase that yes they counted as ASA.

On that note - I am so sorry for what you went through and how damaging it must have been to your self-image and developing sexuality. Your first time should have been special and safe and up-building. You had every right to experiment with a man for your first time - and every right to say no at any point thereafter. No always, always, always, always means no.

Chase, Thank you for writing. I'm sorry for what you went through, it does sound like we share some of the same experiences. I was saddened to read about that poor boy that died. And I do agree that, had he not died the crime would have probably went unnoticed. I feel I should be grateful that I did survive, even if at some points I was frightened that he would kill me or never let me leave.

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I was not worth the expenditure of time or effort - my justice was what he dished out to me - for being gay. But I digress...

I know just what that feeling is. I've felt it for a few years now. Firstly I ignored it and let it just sit in the back of my mind controlling me in ways that I didn't realize. I spent years trying to deny that I was gay because I thought maybe to be gay meant I had to be like that awful person (whom to this day I have no idea if he even was gay) or that the rape was somehow a penance that you had to pay in order to be gay. And for sometime I believed I didn't deserve anything better than to that.

I've only just began seeking therapy to help me work through some of the shame, anger, guilt, incorrect sexual behavior and blame that I still carry from this. I posted my question, hoping to know where I might best meet people who maybe have experienced the same thing, but then here you appeared I started therapy a couple of months ago and I feel somehow worse than I did before. I had learned to cope and forget before, but was lonely since I hadn't been able to make any relationship work. Until I started therapy I didn't realize how much impact my assault had on me, and as the therapist points out the things that are a result of the PTSD that I developed, it just seems to give the rape (I'm still adjusting to using that word it was hard for a while) even more weight and make it all that more horrible. I often wonder if others feel the same way or experienced the same thing before things got better.

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His name was Emanuel and he is a candle I bring with me here. His name means "God is with us." And so I bring him here with me - here to MS.

the line between "child" and "adult" can be blurry. According to the law you were a minor and that has implications for the type of crime the perp can be committed for, etc. But though you were a minor, a 17 year old is not really a child, you know? from a psychological standpoint there is more to it... one doesn't magically become an adult at 18. I know 16 year olds that moved out of their parents' house and became financially independent, and are more mature than some 25 year olds I know who still depend on their parents and don't know what they want out of life. It's more complicated than just turning 18.

regardless of what age you were, whether it is CSA or ASA, it shouldn't have happened to you.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

You may have gone there with child like faith that it would be a good experience to meet someone of like mind, but you expected someone who would act like an adult, not a deranged weirdo. And it should have been fulfilling. No means NO, whether child or adult.

I'm sorry to hear of your traumatic first time, but I think you're on the right track by getting the professional help of a therapist and also by making this a shared experience through the MS forums. A non judgmental approach can help get rid of a lot of shame, guilt or embarrassment. Good luck.

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