Dating in an Apocalypse : Egomaniacal Dictators

We’ve addressed a number of issues in this series, how to tell if your boyfriend is a cyborg from the future, how to maintain a relationship during the dragonpocalypse etc. Now I want to address how to cope with dating the fragile ego and immense stupidity of an egomaniacal dictator.

If you find yourself the trophy wife of a powerful but fragile ego’d dictator there are some important survival rules.

Play dumb. The fragile ego does not like to be made to feel stupid and if they control, oh say nuclear codes, it’s a good idea not to make them feel stupid. So for instance, if you come from a country where people usually learn excellent English don’t let on. Speak with lots of accent and f*ck up simple phrases. It’s well established (looking at you Love Actually) that some men adore women with whom they cannot communicate effectively. While the fragile ego may enjoy boasting of your many languages, he doesn’t actually want to be faced with them when his grasp of even the one native to him is limited. So play dumb. Literally if you like, not actually speaking at all is as safe a ploy as any.

Maintain a ferocious beauty regime. It is hugely important to the fragile ego of your dictator that you be fancied by everyone he knows. He may even encourage crude jokes at your expense. You need a thick skin and flawless makeup to survive this one. Ignore his expanding waistline and thinning hair, you are how he convinces himself he is attractive, not his mirror. It’s entirely possible the thought of engaging in sex with this person will help curb your appetite, it’s not healthy, but it’s a survival mechanism.

If you have powers similar to those of Regina in Once Upon a Time we recommend removing your heart and locking it in a box somewhere safe. You won’t need it, it’s only going to cause you pain. Stuff your humanity in their too if you can. And some emergency cigarettes.

Learn from history. If you catch wind of guillotines being erected, or someone mutters something about eating cake, or one of your husbands mad monk advisors is repeatedly assassinated, bundle up the children and flee in the middle of the night, it will not end well.

political advisor type : mad monk

At this point you may be thinking you are in an abusive relationship. You have to effectively hand over your power and your autonomy, switch off your brain, spout utter nonsense in public while any sanity you have curls up and dies, and to top it all he’s not even pleasant to you in front of his new colleagues. You would be right, these are all hallmarks of an unhealthy at best and likely abusive relationship. If we thought it was safe for you to do so we would urge you to leave. However, if it’s any comfort, when you are the trophy wife of a crazed and childlike despot, the whole country suffers with you. The whole country is in an abusive relationship and it can’t leave either.