Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sorry to say I'll not be posting blogs until November 1. It's my favorite (and least lucrative) task of the day but I'm taking a week off in an attempt to remember what it is like to relax.

Of course, my Bizarro deadlines don't take a week off, so I've had to work double hard in advance to clear my schedule. By the time my vacation starts, I'll be too tired to enjoy it. It's the American way!

Hope you'll drop back by next week when I'll have pictures and stories to tell of our ascent to the motel (pictured above) at the top of Mount Everest. Wish us luck!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

People occasionally submit cartoon ideas to me via email and puns are the most common sort I get. Puns are too easy so I'm not fond of using them in Bizarro unless they are particularly original or facilitate a funny picture. Still, there is often something a little unsatisfying about a pun and I don't want readers to feel cheated, so I recently decided to save them up and occasionally use the best ones in groups of three on Sundays.

In this installment, I think the two on the right are easily good enough to stand alone. The one in the middle was suggested to me as "Hell's Anglers" instead of "Angels," with some bikers fishing. I added the caption at the bottom. The one on the right was conceived and written in its entirety by my friend and occasional collaborator, Cliff Harris, who also came up with the Sunday Puzzler from a few weeks ago. Cliff is has a strange way with language. The "Martial Arts" gag came from a reader but I don't remember in what form. It's not a particularly original pun, but it warrants a funny picture.

If you have what you think is a great pun (unusual, funny, unexpected) and you'd like to see it in a future Sunday Punnies, send it to me: piraro@earthlink.net. It MUST be original (in that you thought of it yourself, didn't hear/see it somewhere else) and you must agree that if I draw it, you won't get compensation or credit (other than blog glory!) and I'll own the copyright. I'll send you some trading cards or an autographed print of the cartoon or something, though.

Until tomorrow, thanks for learning to read. It makes you so much more fun to write for.

Friday, October 23, 2009

If there is one thing the children of America are learning it is that if you don't like something, compare it to Hitler. I wish I had known this when I was a kid. So many times I was told to go to my room and think about what I'd done (just like Hitler used to do to the Jews!) and even though I was angry and felt I was being treated unfairly, I did not know to compare my parents to Hitler. Live and learn.

The political discourse in our beloved U.S. of A. has become so ludicrous that it can barely be satirized. Still, I hope I've done a decent job here. The sort of things some Americans are teaching their children with the dreck they plaster on signs and march up and down the streets with is appalling, and we will all suffer the consequences of these drones when they grow up and inflict their warped sensibilities on society in more robust ways. Many will even have their own TV shows.

I think most Americans are still relatively sensible and don't equate Obama's efforts to help people other than the uber-rich with Hitler, but they don't get the media coverage. So it's the media's fault. The media are Hitler.

To be honest, I'm not sure who is Hitler, but I'm sure he's out there. Lurking, waiting to make his move. Get ready for mandatory mustaches, people.

NOTE: Good news at Bizarro Headquarters: I did not die yesterday afternoon. So there will be no theories about whether yesterday's post was a prophecy or a suicide note in disguise. I'm not planning to leave the house today, increasing my chances of living another 24 hours, so everyone can relax. If I get to feeling woozy or anything, I'll post an emergency paragraph or two before I call 911. Stay tuned.

One common mistake that people made was to cite the eyeball on the floor as two changes instead of one: eyeball on left, missing eyeball on right. The correct interpretation was just that it had moved, so it only counted as one difference. In case you're wondering, objects don't have to be interpreted correctly to qualify as a correct answer, as long as you spot them as a difference. For instance, one entry mentioned that the woman outside had carrots for toes, not realizing they were supposed to be bird toes. No biggy, still counts as correct.

Hope you'll join me again next week for more another contest and each day for unpredictable shenanigans and mayhem.

RULES, ETC:As usual, the top image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are a groovy dude or chick, is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think that guy has one extra whisker. Hmmm.")4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquartersin Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

I've often thought I'd rather die than go to prison, especially for a very long time, and super especially if I was old and there was no real chance of getting out before I died.

But then, when actually faced with the moment of truth, I'm guessing I'd just go to prison and deal with it like most people do, rather than offing myself. Unless you've got a special set of chemical and emotional conditions in your head, suicide is pretty much the hardest thing in the world to do. Millions of years of evolution have designed us to think that staying alive is the single most important objective, next to reproducing. Intellectually, it is easy for me to talk myself out of both of those premises, recognizing them as biological features that have singular goals which I do not necessarily share.

Even though I reproduced a couple of times (long ago), I'm not one to think that it makes any difference whatsoever whether my bloodline or my name or my genes carry on. I don't care one way or the other, it's all a speck of dust in the universe. Nor do I honestly believe that it makes any difference if I live for another 45 years or die this afternoon. (Although if I do die this afternoon after having written this blog, it will give birth to volumes of conspiracy theories and false assumptions. I, for one, still believe Andy Kaufman's death was a hoax and he's going to make a grand comeback any day now.)

I can feel sorry for those who love me having to endure my loss, but it won't matter to me or to the world, in any meaningful way. (Nor will I even know I'm dead, much as I didn't know I hadn't been born yet 500 years ago) My readers will lament the loss of my cartoons for a short while, then move on. Whatever.

I'm not trying to solicit sympathy or be depressing, I'm not depressed at all, in fact. I'm just explaining my take on death. In an intellectual sense, it just doesn't bother me. That's not to say I want to die, of course, I don't. At least not while life is still relatively enjoyable. If Sarah Palin is ever elected president, however, that may change.

On a side note, I didn't do this on purpose but I think the lawyer in this cartoon looks a lot like Craig Crawford of Congressional Quarterly, a regular guest on the Keith Olbermann show.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

After this cartoon ran in the papers, a few emails arrived at Bizarro Headquarters from confused readers. They understood the joke just fine, they were just confused in general. One person wasn't sure why they had married the person they did, another was confused about when to file his estimated tax payments. I answered their questions as well as I could and thanked them for writing.

Meanwhile, this cartoon is more easily understood if you look carefully at the picture. A man is putting soil and grass seed into a washing machine and a woman is stacking squares of sod on top of the dryers at a place called "Bermuda Lawndromat." "Bermuda," of course, is a popular species of grass.

I'm off to Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary for a weekend fundraiser. The weather looks dreadful, cold with a possibility of snow. Not what we were hoping for, but we'll manage. Hope you enjoy your weekend, wherever you are. As always, stay out of jail and keep your teeth in your mouth.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

For a list of the differences, see the comments section of the previous contest post, wherein I posted GIANT's winning entry. Congrats to the winners and thanks to all who played!

One funny thing: I noticed while judging the entries that there were actually 16 differences, my mistake, so I awarded anyone who listed 15 correct differences. For obvious reasons, everyone stopped looking after they found 15. Doesn't change the contest any, just makes it 1/16 easier to win, I guess.

RULES, ETC:As usual, the top image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are courageous enough to conquer it, is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think the shadow of the coffee cup is a little darker. Hmmm.")4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquartersin Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

I still think that's a funny caption but once drawn up, it seemed really creepy to have a child saying this, my editor agreed and I changed it to this less pedophilic punch line. That's the nature of the business.

At the risk of sounding like an old timer, I cannot believe how far phone technology has come in my lifetime. Until I was a teenager, you had to dial a phone with that rotary thing, which was an arduous and deafeningly noisy task. There was no such thing as a cordless phone, so you had to stand wherever the phone was. The wires were not detachable, either, and you couldn't switch it off.

We thought the "future" had arrived when they invented extra long curly cords that went from your phone to your handset. But those looked like a bowl of dried spaghetti within a couple of months and you were back to standing next to the phone.

Voice mail and answering machines didn't exist, of course. An answering machine was anyone you could talk into answering the phone so you wouldn't have to get up. I was my parents' answering machine, as well as their TV remote.

On the subject of answering machines, have you noticed Hollywood is the only place that hasn't given them up for electronic voicemail? Movies and TV shows still regularly have old fashioned answering machines, so the audience (and characters in the room) can hear who's calling, thus advancing the drama. James Bond has a car that sees in infrared and shoots nanobots but he still uses an answering machine he bought at Target in 1974. "James, if you're there pick up! Pick up! Pick up!" Does he still have a block of ice hand delivered to his "icebox" every morning, too?

Don't forget to check back at 4pm NYC time today for the contest. See the post below.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I have ambiguous feelings about this cartoon. When I wrote it, the idea of a roofer giving each nail the option of implanting itself into the wood (the easy way) before he pounds them in with a hammer (the hard way) was funny. Now, I'm not so sure.

On a more positive note, wouldn't you love to own a Bizarro Alien T-shirt like the snazzy gentledude in this cartoon? NOW YOU CAN!

Tomorrow at 4pm NYC time I'll post another cartoon contest. Hope you win!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A couple nights ago CHNW and I joined Alicia Silverstone at a swanky vegan restaurant in NYC to celebrate the release of her dandy new book, The Kind Diet. Take a look at the cover, linked to the title above, Alicia looks cute and sexy, because she is, and my wife, CHNW, says the book is awesome. We got our copy autographed, of course, but I asked her to sign it, "Batgirl," instead of her regular name.

While there, I ran into SHOWBUSINESS COMEDY GOD, David Steinberg. I was familiar with his stand-up comedy way back in the day, and his copious writing, directing and producing since then, but I had no idea he's a longtime vegan. Yay. He, too, was cute and sexy. Super friendly guy with whom I would LOVE to be friends, but I didn't get his contact info. If anyone knows David, tell him to email me.

And, as an added bonus, here's a picture (NOT taken on an iPhone in poor light) of CHNW at the famous mosaic garden on Philly's South Street a few weeks ago. Go see this place, it is huge, masterful and inspiring. (The mosaic garden, not CHNW. While often inspiring, she is by no means huge.)

I grew up in the South where pinatas are common at children's birthday parties. Consequently, for many years I believed that if you beat an animal hard enough, you would get candy. This was a lesson that did not serve me well in my later years.

IMPORTANT NOTE: While I despise Rush Limbaugh and do not wish him well in any sense of the word, I DO NOT advocate physical violence against him or anyone else that you happen not to like. This is a humor blog, so DO NOT take my musings as prophecy or advice. (A defense that Rush himself has used countless times when advocating immoral, illegal, or treasonous behavior.)In summary: Busting open Rush Limbaugh pinata = candy and laughs.Busting open Rush Limbaugh himself = jail and drug-tainted bodily fluids and organs.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I normally post cartoons about a week after they appear in newspapers, so this one should have been posted last week. BUT, last week I posted the current date's cartoon so that readers could find out the answers to the Sunday Puzzler and this one got bumped.

When I was young, stories about Gulliver and his travels were favorites of mine. The idea of being huge in a land of tiny people, or being visited by a giant, was fascinating to me. (Although if given the choice, I'd rather be able to become invisible or fly under my own power than be impossibly huge.)

If you were the size of Gulliver – roughly the height of a 30-story building compared to the Lilliputians – you'd have to say goodbye to things like sexual relations and privacy of any kind. I can only imagine how the Lilliputians dealt with his bowel movements. The stench must have been like living near a commercial hog farm in modern-day America.

No idea who Gulliver might have been calling on his gigantic cell phone, but I like the image. I also like to imagine the Lilliputians playing with the apps by jumping around barefooted on the touch screen.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Speaking of which, it is time for me, once again, to pay a stranger to shove things into my rectum. Yes, I am overdue for a colonoscopy, the medical equivalent of prison rape.

I had one about ten years ago, when I turned 40, and after complaining to my friends about how it was the worst, most painful day of my life, they all said, "But you're not supposed to remember it. They give you that amnesia drug."

Huh? They gave me no such drug. I guess they forgot. Perhaps they took it themselves.

Now I'm (over)due for another and I don't want to do it because:A. The last one was a nightmareB. I don't have health insurance and it's expensiveC. I don't know where/who to go to. Am I supposed to pick someone randomly from the Yellow Pages and pay them to shove things into my butt? Sounds like more like Craig's List than modern medicine.

Because in NY it is phenomenally expensive when you are not affiliated with any group or employer. The cheapest I've found is through the Freelancers Union (which isn't really a "union" but a group of freelancers who buy insurance together so it is cheaper) and it's still over $1000 a month for minimum coverage for my wife and me, and of course, that doesn't include "pre-existing conditions" or anything else they decide they don't want to pay for. I'd literally rather die than pay $12,000 a year to an extortion corporation, only to be denied money back later when I really need it. It is the definition of organized crime.

I Twooted this last night, but how is it that even the dimmest Americans cannot see these two simple facts:1. All politicians who oppose government-run health care actually HAVE government-run health care.2. All politicians who oppose government-run health care are taking huge amounts of money from the insurance industry and big pharm.

Will this country ever wake up, or do I see residency in Europe in my future?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

This week's winner, coming in at 9 minutes after the hour, is someone or -thing going by the name of "Ha Ha Ha Whoops." Congratulations, HHHW, you'll be receiving valuable merchandise the likes of which you do not currently own!

Second place, coming in just moments behind HHHW, is our old friend "Marcello," who was the grand prize winner of Contest #4, all those weeks ago. (3 weeks) He'll be receiving some merchandise, too, as will the third place winner, the artist formerly known as "Giant." And currently know as, too, apparently.

Many congrats to all our dandy winners this week. Stop by tomorrow for another Bizarro cartoon with amusing commentary and musings by your host and MC for this evening, me.

RULES, ETC:As usual, one image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are courageous enough to conquer it, is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will be subtle -- once you spot them, you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think the shadow of the coffee cup is a little bigger. Hmmm.")4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Another contest today, 4pm this time. Read the rules below if you want to get a jump on things, a few details have changed. Good luck, my bloggy friends.

RULES, ETC:As usual, one image will be the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it will have been changed. Your mission, if you are courageous enough to conquer it, is to find those differences.

1. There will be 15 differences between the two cartoons.2. NONE of the differences will have to do with the warped nature of the second image.3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will be subtle, once you spot them, you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think the shadow of the coffee cup is a little bigger. Hmmm.")4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD person with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I guess Jay Leno's new show made me think of this cartoon. Either that, or it was that time a few weeks ago that my business partner, Rey, said, "What about Easter Island but with Jay Leno's chin?"

I'm never really sure what Rey is talking about and I'm not even sure if he was talking about a cartoon in this case, but it gave me this idea, so here it is.

Except for the desk being missing, the Jay's new show doesn't seem all that different, right? Which is fine, he was very popular on The Tonight Show, so why change a winning formula? I guess I just thought it was going to be more different.

If anyone from the new Jay Leno Show is watching, can I be a guest, please? I think it would be good for my career.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

As longtime readers of this blog know, I suffer from chronic depression. My whole family does, except for my younger brother, whom the rest of us killed during Christmas dinner a few years ago. We just couldn't stand all that damned jolliness.

For those of you who are not biologically inclined, serotonin is the crap in your brain that makes you happy. So in medical terms, if you don't have enough of it or the spigot that connects to your serotonin vat is clogged, you get depressed for seemingly no reason. That's why antidepressants were invented. Not really to make everyone happy, just those of us with a rusty vat faucet, and not happy all the time, just normal most of the time.

They work pretty well for me, with a few side effects, all of which are more tolerable than feeling like the world is coming to an end in the next few minutes for no discernible reason.

I envy people with a lot of natural serotonin. Envy is a vast improvement over what I used to feel for them, which was contempt and deep, deep hatred. With the help of antidepressants and meditation, I've found that I'm actually a happy, easygoing person trapped in the body of an *sshole. (Thank goodness I can afford my pills. Lots of people can't, but helping them pay for it would turn this country into Russia and we can't have that.)

No need to leave encouraging comments or send consoling emails, I'm fine now and enjoying life as much as the next guy. And he's got easy access to an average amount of serotonin.

Until next time...even a journey of 1000 miles begins with several frustrating hours on the Internet looking for the cheapest flights that leave at a decent hour and don't have a layover in Atlanta.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Twitter is sweeping the nation and not a moment too soon, the nation is a mess. (Get it? "Sweeping" can also mean using a broom to tidy up.)

Twitter is using a broom to tidy up the nation and thank goodness. I was wondering when I would be able to read the random thoughts of random people in 140 characters or less. Like most cynical, too-cool-for-school hipsters, I eschewed Twitter, thinking it bourgeois and therefore, beneath me.

But then a friend talked me into trying it and now I'm hooked. Not hooked the way "the kids" these days are, writing random thoughts down hour by hour and reading the random thoughts of others. I just write something once a day or so and read a few of the Tweets of people I'm following. And not hooked the way a fanboy might be, drooling over Kim Kardashian's report about her trip to the dry cleaners. (I don't know if Kardashian is a Twit or not, so I went to Twitter and searched her name. I found millions of Tweets mentioning her name, one of which led to this link, for some odd reason. So there is some valuable information to be found on Twitter.)

I started Twirping a few weeks ago, mentioning my daily blog topic or something funny I'd seen or thought of. It's kind of fun and a few of the people I follow have interesting links in their Twaps, too.

All I'm saying is, I could live without it but I can see the fascination. Like chartreuse.

If you want to follow me on Twitter, my Twat is pirarobizarro. It's free, there's no obligation, and no representative will call. What are you waiting for? Grab a broom and join us. The nation needs sweeping.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Because I am a person who has always enjoyed a good puzzle or game, today's Bizarro cartoon is a puzzler. The three different frames are each individual jokes, written in puzzle form. To find out the answers to the puzzles, click the links below.

Let me know if you enjoyed this cartoon motif, as my friend Cliff and I (see previous blog to learn about Cliff and his unique difficulties) are thinking about doing this again sometime in the future. We might even publish a whole book of these. Would that appeal to you? Choose one of the following:A. Yes.B. Yes, I would buy 100 copies and convince 100 of my closest friends to do the same.C. No, things don't appeal to me.D. None of the above. I thought this was a blog about hair care.

Thanks for stopping by. Drop be each day for another post about the grisly behind-the-scenes goings-on in the world of high-stakes professional cartooning! Don't miss a single day!

Tomorrow, Sunday, October 4, (4 October, if you're reading this in Europe) Bizarro will feature a strange word puzzle, the answers to which will be posted on this blog. If your local paper gets the Sunday Bizarro, check it out, try to solve it, then come here for the answers. If not, I'll post it in a way that will enable you to play along without seeing the answers immediately. IT'S NOT A CONTEST, just something fun for readers. I hope you enjoy it.

The strange puzzle was written by my strange friend, Cliff, whose brain, for reasons not yet discovered by the world's leading neuroscientists, just thinks this way. It makes him fun to collaborate with but hell to talk to over coffee.

Tune in tomorrow to see what it's all about. Until then,...if you wish to see the sunrise in the evening, stand on the other side of the world.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I got into another family's car recently (I was invited, it wasn't a car-jacking) and saw that there were two separate DVD players on the backs of the front seats. In this way, their two children could each watch their own programming while riding in the car. Perhaps it was an overreaction, but I vomited.

When I was a kid (oh god, I hate sentences that start out that way) my siblings and I looked out the windows when we were in the car, even on long, long, interminably long car trips. If we wanted something else to do, we played games wherein we counted things. When we were bored with that, we punched and bit each other.

I wonder if the children in the aforementioned family have any idea what lies outside their own home and car. I wonder if they can identify a 3-dimensional cow standing by the roadside. Or if they know what high speed wind feels like against a rigid hand, or what a pop bottle sounds like when it shatters against the windshield of an oncoming car.

I fear for the future when the video generation are in charge. Their insatiable thirst for constant entertainment will likely make the blood lust of the ancient Romans look like child's play. I foresee a time when the Cottonbowl will be used to feed atheists to lions.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

After many many many submissions with incorrect answers, the fourth comment posted with the correct list of differences belonged to one Ben Buckley. Congrats, Ben, you'll be getting five packages of Bizarro Trading Cards (assuming you live in North America.) Boy, do I envy you!

BEN, YOUR EMAIL DIDN'T WORK FOR ME FOR SOME REASON. I'LL TRY AGAIN.

As many of you know, #6 was a more difficult puzzle than the previous ones. Most of the submissions were incorrect in one way or another, and although it was posted at 6pm NYC time, by 8:30pm, I still didn't have four correct lists, and thus no winner. After I posted (and Tweeted) that fact at 8:35pm, a huge wave of new submissions came in.

Anway, here are names of the first three correct contestants, an honorable mention goes to them!:Brian GacMarcelloSpyra

Below is Ben's correct list of differences. The most common error people made was missing that the border had been completed in the second image, or counting the border as three differences instead of one: top border is complete, left border is complete, etc.

Click the fuzzy little words to enlarge them.

Thanks again for playing, I'll be posting another contest next week and a new cartoon blog every day between now and then. Congrats to everyone who played, whether you got the correct answers or not. At least it kept you off the streets for a few minutes.

As usual, one image is the original cartoon, the warped image has been changed. Your mission, if you are heroic enough to tackle it, is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion.4. FOURTH PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of this post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn.5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Let's talk about my sex life, shall we? Not really my sex life, but my inability to make the sex happen with a new acquaintance, like our friend Mr. Hornybull is attempting to do in this cartoon.

It is my impression that there exist human males who can approach females unknown to them, engage them in conversation, and end up mating with them in less than 24 hours. This is a skill I cannot fathom.

Fortunately for me, I have a different skill and that is the ability to lure attractive women into making the first move. I have no idea how I do it, but all of the relationships I've been in have started because someone I found attractive talked to me first. Perhaps there are women who find the desperate-dweeb-too-shy-to-talk-to-women look irresistible. Whatever it is, thank the gods of physical love that I have it. Without it, I'd still be a virgin.

I'm not saying I have any control over this ability or could make it happen every weekend if I wanted. I am not the sort of person who cruises for sex, so I've never tested the limits. When in a relationship, I am loyal and not tempted to stray and I like being in a committed relationship. So there have only been a few times in my post-high school life when I was "available" and looking to meet someone.

Women, on the other hand, don't have this problem. If a woman wants sex, all she has to do is leave the house. It's a simple matter of anthropology and evolution: men will do it with any willing female, women get to choose. (Gross generalization, yes, but mostly true.)

I hope this frank discussion of the human sex act has been informative and educational. And remember guys, when a woman says "moo," she means it. Unless she winks, lifts up her blouse and shows you her udders.