The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes

(No Banjo Pickin' Allowed Around Here)

In September 1991 Darrell Reich caused severe injury to many of the readers of rec.folk-dancing
as a result of excessive laughter when he posted this Canonical List of
Banjo Jokes. He may have collected more by now, but I haven't seen sign
of them recently. Of course, many of these are borrowed from orchestras
who tell the same jokes about viola players! I've converted it to HTML
and reformatted it.

Preface

Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. Much talked
about, but never revealed; until now. This presentation is the result of
the tireless efforts of an international network of operatives who combed
the earth (and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure
that this time we had the real thing: the definitive list of banjo jokes.
Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate price: death. So important
was our work that we persevered in spite of the obstacles.

Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution. Banjo jokes
are jokes about banjo players, their music, their instrument, environmentalism,
animal rights, human sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These
jokes has never been told in their entirety because they are dangerously
funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in their entirety. We had to
taken great precautions to safeguard our health while compiling this list:
each operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of the jokes
(one not to large as to overcome the individual with so much mirth that
would cause him/her to die laughing.) As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded:
part of the jokes were related in various, and obscure languages and dialects,
other parts written, and still other parts transmitted in braille or Morse
code.

Therefore, I caution you to do the following:

Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if you have
a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.

Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If you find
yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness, stop immediately.

If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these jokes
may cause serious health complications.

(3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.

Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual intercourse while
reading these jokes.

If you have any questions, please consult a physician before attempting
to read these jokes.

Are you sure you want to read these jokes?

Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up? Is it really
worth the risks?

This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to the Complete list
of 101 Banjokes. These jokes will change (or end) your life. I cannot give
you any guarantees as to how these jokes will affect you; it all depends
upon your physical and psychological state (which I cannot know.)

Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical List
of Banjo Jokes?

This is you last chance!! I mean it! Stop
now before it's too late!

God help you and may the force be with you...

Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places,
and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are
used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locals or persons,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Dedicated to the time and place that is the unique lifestyle of
the banjo player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement
and freedom that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy.

What's the difference between a banjo and a....

Chain Saw:

a chain saw has a dynamic range.

you can turn a chain saw off.

South American Macaw:

one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.

Harley Davidson Motorcycle:

you can tune a Harley.

Onion:

no one cries when you cut up a banjo.

Trampoline:

you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Uzi:

an uzi only repeats forty times.

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five; one to screw it in and four to

complain that it's electric.

lament about how much they miss the old one.

complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thataway.

argue about what year it was made.

argue about how much it costs.

ask what tuning she's using.

stand around and watch.

Ten:

one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have
done it better."

none:

but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them are too laid back to bother to change it.

Six:

One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.

How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

100:

One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it...

What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?

Drool...

How can you tell if the stage is level?

If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo
player run over on the road?

You see skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the difference between a run over skunk and a run over banjo player?

The skunk was on it's way to a gig.

How many banjo players does it take to eat an opossum?

Two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?

By their names...

What is the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?

A visitor.

What are flaming guitars good for?

Setting banjos on fire.

Kindling.

Why are banjos better than guitars?

They burn longer.

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?

A flame-thrower.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

Who cares?!?

Neither of them is a banjo!

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?

Solitaire.

What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?

A banjo player.

A joke teller.

How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.

Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?

So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good
banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?

You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the banjo picker's favourite whine?

Play Duelling Banjos...

Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple?

That's so bass players can understand them too.

Where do banjo players play best?

In traffic.

In a galaxy far, far away...

How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?...

What is the most important aspect of banjo joke telling?

...Timing...

How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you say to the banjo player in the 3 piece suit?

will the defendant please rise.

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire
State Building?

Who Cares...

Applause.

What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What will you never say about a banjo player?

That's the banjo player's Porsche.

How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?

Shine a light in his ears...

You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish?

By adjusting it's scales...

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?

They make great anchors!

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?

They make good paddles.

Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?

So he could park in the handicap zone.

Why did the banjo player cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?

Their colour of course!

How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?

Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got grapes!

"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"

"yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before..."

What's the best / fastest way to tune a banjo?

With wire cutters.

Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo
Players?

Measles--You can get rid of the Measles.

What should you do if you run over a banjo?

Back up...

When do banjo songs sound the best?

When they're over.

Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?

Because they can't pick on their fiddles.

Why does everyone pick on banjo players?

Because it's so easy!!!

Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players...

Naaaaaah.

There's not much between you and a fool is there?

Just a banjo...

Listener: Can you read music?

Banjo player: not enough to hurt my playing.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker
for my 'gator."

A banjo player walked into a bar...another banjo player walked
into the bar...you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what
happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [under the bar.]

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after
surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery
on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the
Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing
their respective professions, ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to
their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and
such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief
flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted,
natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This,
Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at
least until the end of time...) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self,
"If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!"
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street
lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left
as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his
best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's
the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate and
I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? Pete looks at
the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is
practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions.
We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together.
That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned banjo
player to make it up here!!"

Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised
to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of
the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?" "150," he said. "Great," said Peter, as
he showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the
theory of relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your
IQ?" "120," she said. "Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some
time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third
person, he asked, "What's your IQ?" "42," drawled the fellow. "Fantastic!"
cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me
perform a banjo duet!"

A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with the
smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have you been up
to?" he says. "I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute,"
replies the smart kid. Then, our hero sees another classmate of his, who
never was very smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How are you
doing? I've been meaning to ask you, what type of picks do you use? Heard
any good banjo jokes lately..."

An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together
so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After
he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close
to death he called for all to gather together. "I have one thing I would
like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me,"
cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as
they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough,
"I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..."

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for fiddle player brain?"

"2 dollars an ounce."

"How much for mandolin player brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for guitar player brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for banjo player brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of
brain?"

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players
for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that banjo players are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it
very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair
with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days,
he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when
you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,
we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well,"
she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night
talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a banjo player."

Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half
playing out of tune.

Banjo pickers: we tune because we care...

I bought mine tuned.

Banjo players play requests by multiple choice not fill in the blank.

"You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe
your banjo on your pants."

"Anyone can play one of them things--all you need is three fingers
and a plastic head"

The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on
a building--you don't really need one.

Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing
or they'll sink...

Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds
Great!

Second verse same as the first
A little bit faster and a little bit worse.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song
on the banjo it always comes out so cheerful...

If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play it's
folk music otherwise it's bluegrass.

Some people call it Cripple Creek--but they're wrong!

I used to play on TV but my mom said get off or I'd break it!

After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play;
however, your neighbours will pay you to stop.

You can either laugh a little faster or I can tell the jokes a
little slower...

"The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!"

Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams

How bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same damn song for three or four times

Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe see doe

Them banjo pickers talking bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things

Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs
They never do smile they just play Scruggs

You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it.

Glossary

banjopourri: [French; banjo + of pourrir, to rot] a stew, mixture,
medley, miscellany, or anthology of banjos. Coined from potpourri.

stealth banjo player: doesn't have a clue as to how the
song goes--tries to hide behind other musicians.

symbolic bass: got volunteered to play bass in the band
but doesn't want to break a fingernail.

zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight faced
under a large cowboy hat.

Epilogue

I [Darrell] started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 while preparing
for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar & Mandolin Contest. Summertime
is the perfect weather for jamming. The New Expression music store had
their annual camp out to start the summer off and by August, I hit every
bluegrass club meeting in greater San Diego County.

Then one night it happened, I was invited to a jam at a friend's
house so I grabbed my banjo and a strawberry pie, called another banjo
player and invited him to join us and was off. Well, there were so many
banjo players at the jam that night that one of the bass players started
with the banjo jokes (some of which sound a lot like recycled lawyer jokes.)

I tried to forget them and failed so I started writing them down
but my attempts to regain my sanity were in vain. At least with this I
can practice getting the jokes right or just call them off by number. My
quest for the perfect banjo joke had begun. The consequences of this have
far out reached any expectations I could have had at the time.

At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and New Expression banjo
workshop since I have eagerly interrogated the other banjo players and
bluegrassers for new jokes. I asked the band at the pizza parlour before
they went on and they started telling jokes in between songs. By then I
knew all the answers and my name was becoming synonymous with banjo jokes!

I posted my jokes to the folk music and humour news groups of
the Usenet electronic computer network which is sent around the world via
the National Science Foundation Internet computer network and got a reply
from banjo pickers from as far away as England and Scotland. These jokes
go out to the members of the Slow-Jam and end up in the North County Bluegrass
& Folk Music Club newsletter which goes out and ends up...this is great
I get people mailing me banjo jokes from all over the place.

I sent a copy of my joke collection to the Bluegrass Special and
the DJ read some on the air for anyone who was awake on Sunday night at
11:24 pm. It was finals week and it really made my day to hear my name
on the radio. People have started to recognise me at bluegrass jams around
town as "the guy with all the dumb banjo jokes."

#1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in the June 1991 issue
of the San Diego Bluegrass Club newsletter says "Darrell Reich always has
a new one. (two words)" [nine letters.]
#1. Across is "That high lonesome sound...."

I usually start jamming with the joke of the week to warm up.
One of the nicest compliments I've gotten is when someone told me, "Hey
Darrell, I thought you just carried that thing [my banjo] around and told
jokes all day but you're actually pretty good!" [at playing the banjo not
telling jokes.] I had just told all my jokes and then jumped in with Whiskey
Before Breakfast, the song I picked to play at Julian this year.

The critics [non-banjo players] say, "you would have to be a banjo
player to enjoy these jokes--I'm sure you and the boys are still laughing..."
and it's true fer sure!

So, this is it, my 101 banjo jokes, The Canonical List, numbered
and illustrated complete with preface, disclaimer, dedication, glossary,
epilogue, and appendices, perfect to just stuff in your case so you'll
never be without a comment on stage or at a jam. Even by yourself--you'll
always have a reason to smile. Enjoy. Keep those cards and letters coming!
I've got one more year of college before I've got to go and get a real
job [the banjo player for Apple Computers Inc.?!?] If I had to do it all
over again, I'd make the same mistake....

Darrell Reich

Appendix A: 1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo
Players

Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest banjo players.

Taking of banjo players with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.

Killing of banjo players with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead banjo player to the roadside and proceed to the nearest
car wash.

It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo players from snow machine,
hay wagon, helicopter, or aircraft.

It shall be unlawful to shout "jam", "bluegrass", or "free pizza" for the
purpose of trapping banjo players.

It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 100 meters of Jeep or
Ford Dealerships.

It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100 bills, or banjo PA
system sales to attract banjo players.

It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 200 meters of acoustic
music stores, bluegrass club meetings, parking lot picking sessions, pizza
parlours, or Radio Shack stores.

If a banjo player is appointed to a government position of senior responsibility,
it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess them.

Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state health department inspection
for AIDS, rabies, and hoof-and-mouth disease.

It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, female banjo player, pizza delivery person, talent scout, girl
scout, sheep, illegal provider of copyrighted music, bookie, or tax accountant
for the purpose of hunting banjo players.

Bag Limits

yellow bellied sidewinder

2

reputable banjo players

Extinct

two faced banjo players

1

banjo joke teller

2

back stabbing frailer

1

brown nose picker

1

big nosed singer

3

tab pirate

2

Appendix B: ten easy steps to better banjo playing

The Doc Stock Banjo Method

or Any jerk can play the banjo

so why not you too?

by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1: Beat It!

The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently.
True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but
banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that
are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated h in tablature), the
harder hit (H), and the beat (B). Learn these three licks, and soon you'll
be able to play anything! Remember -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again, harder,
harder!

Lesson 2: Stage Presence

A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the
impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be
avoided at all costs--you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While
playing on stage, you should:

slouch,

drool,

pick nose,

bump fiddler,

cross eyes,

pour beer on self, and/or

stare off into space.

The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo

Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're
a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic
ways to tune a banjo:

With a tuning fork:

Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make
sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.

With an electric tuner:

Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with first method.

With a fiddle:

Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature

It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time
music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune. It's an even
better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature
is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve
music on paper. Avoid all tablature--you will get nowhere as a banjo player
by imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret(tm), pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing

Just say, "Why not?"

Lesson 6: Playing with Musicians

Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player.
You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a
banjo player or two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will
sound great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and
start jamming!

Lesson 7: Banjo Paraphernalia

A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly
be out of tune in any other key.

A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being
played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your
cool bumper stickers?

A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain
as to which is responsible for the odour.

Beer is the experienced banjo player's favourite liquid to spill
on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered
through the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name That Tune

As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound
the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you
know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw,
Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in
the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in
the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate
Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three Myths Dispelled

Myth Number 1:

It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.

Fact:

The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work.

This article was reprinted from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog, Julie Mangin, editor.

Appendix C: Telling jokes by the numbers...

A tabloid reporter went to the annual banjo joke teller's convention to
report on it for her newspaper. Part of the convention was a joke competition.
The first comedian came out and said, "Number 236." The crowd burst out
laughing.

The next comedian walked on stage and said, "Number 1265." A round
of laughter gripped the audience. Some of the people around the reporter
even fell out of their chairs.

Another one came out and said, "Number 876." The chuckling lasted
for minutes. The confused reporter turned to the person seated next to
her and asked, "I don't get it. Why are they just saying numbers?" The
guy replied, "Well, we know all the jokes by numbers, so all the competitors
have to do is give the number."

The next comedian came out and said, "Number 834." Silence. Not
even a guffaw... The reporter asked, "What happened?" "Some people just
don't know how to tell a joke."

The next comedian came out and said, "Number 1254." The audience
erupted with raucous laughter. More hysterics than any of the previous
comedians. The reporter asked, "What happened?" "That was a joke we had
never heard before."

Cartoon Captions

[I'm afraid that I only have the captions, if anyone can scan the pictures
we can put them together]

From The Far Side Cartoons:

wait, wait what's that sound, what's that sound...

Devil: Here's your room Maestro...

Doctor, doctor, I've come all the way from Alabama with this thing
stuck on my knee...

The Compulsive Lyre (Harp) "no, no I'm a banjo..."

The New Slow-Jam Logo a turtle playing the banjo wearing sunglasses.

Extras

These are some extras that I [Rhod] have come across. Share and enjoy: