How did I end up here?

Saturday, July 21, 2012

It has been a long time since I've entered a blog on my spark page as well as be an emotional wreck due to making poor decisions lately. I don't want to turn to food for comfort. Writing it out should make me feel better. Then I'll do my cardio for the day! I have just realized that after 7 years that I don't matter to my partner. Since being with him I no longer live as freely as I would like. As a child my home was always spotless...and everything in its place. At first I could keep up with the daily house needs, but since I started trying to focus on myself things within the home and my relationship have spun out of control. I feel more like a roommate than a partner. Having a conversation with him about how I feel somehow becomes a conversation about him. If I point out why I'm upset, he explains why he did what he did because of something that was experiencing. No apology, not acknowledgement of the words that I have said. That is just one of many issues I have. I can't say we because as far as he's concerned everything's fine. The only positive image I have is that my daughter loves her dad. She's 12 and up until now I often told myself 6 more years and leaving him will not devastate her once she's older. Hopefully she would be in a better place maturity wise at that age.
Well it's getting late and I don't want to waist an entire day worrying. But, I do have one question. He had a life before me...a marriage and 3 kids who are now adults. He has yet to sever ties with an aunt of his ex-wife. Neither his ex nor his adult children deal with the aunt. Today our plans were pushed back because she has relatives coming to town, doesn't drive and has asked him to be her driver. Plus I found a map quest to a restaurant in the town where her brother lives. She hasn't seen him in over a year, the visiting relatives want to see him. So this isn't just a visit it's a whole day. My question is, should he continue to have ties with the ex's family when they don't? If so, why am I so upset that I can't keep my breakfast down? If you have kind heart it's ok to help someone out once in a while, but this is too far.

This is your life, and you have to decide what you need to do. All the good advice in the world can be given, but it has to fit who you are or you may be opening a door that doesn't need to be opened. If you haven't read the book BOUNDARIES (by Cloud and Townsend) then you need to.

We talk so much about NO EXCUSES. Don't use the child to keep you in an unhappy situation. It's said when you lose one sense the other senses help to compensate for it. If you're miserable, your child probably already feels it. Teach her to be the woman you'd want to her to be...and read the book. It may be a good starting place for that as well. I've read the book suggested by @CSTERLING as well, and it 's worth checking out too.

Guys don't know how to listen without feeling like they are being blamed and they feel the need to defend themselves. It always seems like the conversation is about what they are doing wrong instead of how you feel. Guys have a really hard time dealing with how women feel. They just want things to go smoothly because they are the fixer. You tell them something is wrong and they feel the need to fix it only they don't know how to fix feelings. It's not something tangible that they can latch onto, so they just try to act all calm and hope that smooths things out. He thinks if he acts calm, there won't be as much drama, but what really happens is that you feel like you aren't getting the attention you want and it makes things worse.

I'd really try to get some counseling so you can learn how to communicate with each other better. That's the real problem. I'd also like to suggest that you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It gives great insight into how men and women think differently and may help you talk to him more effectively. If you can't get him to go to counseling, try just going yourself. Your happiness can't depend on someone else. Happiness comes from you. You have to look inside yourself for it.

As for the Aunt, she is someone he thinks of as family. And it's one day. I'd be happy that he stays in contact with family. That means that if you do end up splitting. He won't be walking away from his relationship with your child either. He actually sounds like a great guy. Try appreciating him and stop the jealously.

Kind words from you will go a long way to getting the love and attention you crave. Make him feel like a hero and he will love you for it.

Like the others said, you most definitely need to do what makes you happy. If he doesn't see there is a problem in the relationship, maybe he's just trying to be blind to it. I would honestly try counseling. My ex didn't want to, and after dealing with his alcoholism, I had to leave. I did counseling on my own for 10 weeks and it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. If he doesn't want to go with you, I still suggest that maybe you try it on your own. It's amazing to get things off your chest, it does wonders I promise! Keep your head up. Everything happens for a reason and it will work out the way it should. :)

Good for you for blogging your angst! It's not important what we think--you are the important one here. What do you think? How do you feel? Do you have a counselor you can talk to? I've done that and it helps a lot. Good luck and keep Sparking! Your Spark friends care.

As an adult child of divorce...it likely won't be any easier once your daughter turns 18. After 32 years together, my parents decided to divorce when I was around 20. To date, it was the worst time of my life...seemingly affecting me even more than them!

My point is that you have to keep your sanity. Being in a loveless marriage isn't good for you or your daughter. You are worth so much more than that!

The ex's family connection is a little odd, but it seems he may look up to her or pay special attention to her since she is lacking a connection/relationship with the rest of the family.

Good luck and keep pushing! Great job not sinking into the emotional trap of food for comfort!

I'm glad you chose to write instead of turn to food. Sometimes writing does help.

It seems rather odd to me that he still has such close ties with this ex-aunt, but to each his own, I guess. The fact that he doesn't ever seem to listen to what you're saying, or try to understand... that's more problematic. I don't have many wise words, other than to tell you that you deserve to be happy, too, and kids really do bounce back. When I left my ex, part of my motivation was that I didn't want my daughter to see the marriage we had and think that it was normal. Because it wasn't.

I'm not advocating leaving unless it's what YOU want and what you think is best, just sharing my experience. I've been at that point where home just isn't a good place to be, and I do understand that unhappiness. I wish you the best in whatever path you choose!