~~When he was President, Lyndon Johnson had a motto in his office:
"You ain't learning nothing when you're talking."

☼

~~ Gertrude Stein's writing could be enigmatic and hard to follow,
even for her publisher, Bennett Cert.
When Cerf interviewed the author on his radio show, he said,
"I'm very proud to be your publisher, Miss Stein.
But as I've always told you, I don't understand very much of what
you're saying."
Stein's reply: "And I've always told you.
Bennett, you're a very nice boy, but you're rather stupid."

☼

~~ Trying to do my share for the environment,
I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this
suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific.
When I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it.
It was full of water.

☼

~~ Moe: Do you think success is relative?
Joe: Sure, the more success, the more relatives.

☼

~~ A certain young man came home with a grievously unsatisfactory
report card in January.
"Oh dear" said his mother, "what is the trouble?"
"There isn't any trouble," said the youngster.
"You know how it is yourself; things are always marked down after
the holidays."

☼

~~ To live each day as though it were your last day on earth is a fine
idea," said a very wise grandmother.
But I have always lived by a slightly different theory.
It's this: always treat all the people you meet every day as though it
were their last day on earth."

☼

~~ "Was it my friend Joe ", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Bob then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

☼

~~ The air, the sunshine, and the breezes may be free,
but you wouldn't think so on a vacation.
☼
☼
Todays Thought: It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Good morning....friends and neighbors....
The picture posting went back to the way it was....
So we're back posting pictures....
☺

She smells the bacon, but only I gets bacon.....

☺

Everybody else has the Unicorn meat fried....

mmmmm smells good........

☺

He sez; you woke me for that??

Whaaaaa......

☺

He don't care, he's hitting the bottle kinda early.....

☺

She's trained right...makes the bed ever morning.....

☺

We an't telling........

☺

So that's were they went......wait till I get my hands on them..

☺

You all go with out me....I'm watching my stories....

☺

You even look mean.......

☺

Now this guy looks mean, but I bet he's a pussy cat......

☺

Wrong..........

☺

Well I guess it's time to leave.......

☺

♥♥♥

~~ The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys

people but leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

☺

~~ Pete put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly
while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain
while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed.
"It even drinks for you!"

☺

~~ It's Gus's birthday in a few days time and his grandma goes out to
buy him a present.
She finds a menswear shop that was having a half-price sale and buys
a luxurious rollneck pullover for him.
Unfortunately, the pullover was for a size 14 neck and Gus was a size 18.
When Gus receives his present, he immediately tries it on.
He then writes a thank-you note to his grandmother.
This is what he wrote: Dear grandma, thanks a lot for the beautiful
pullover, I'd write more but I'm all choked up."

☺

~~ Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the
difference between the Old Country and the U.S.
One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs,
and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"What part did you get?"

☺

~~ WAITRESS: Would you like your coffee black?
CUSTOMER: What other color do you have?

☺

~~ While reading the newspaper, Gus came across an article about a
beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted
for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife,
"why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

☺

~~ Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare
disease and could drink only human milk.
"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.
"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."
So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed.
Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself,
gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "
Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"
"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.
"is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow,
"is there anything else you'd like?"
"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.
"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.
Mendel licked his lips.
"Maybe a little cookie?"

☺

~~ Two friends meet each other on the street.
”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.
”Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery.
I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.
”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”.
”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”

☺

~~ One of the differences between marriage and prostitution is that
in marriage you only have to make a deal with one man.

☺

~~ A Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was
discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop.
Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom,
grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and
poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk.
The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop."
The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?"
The little boy again said, "No Bishop."
The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked,
"If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?"
The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop,
Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that
we have had."

☺
☺
Todays Thought: Accept the challenges so that you can feel the
exhilaration of victory.

I give up.........I just can't upload any pictures.....It's too screwed up....
It used to be fun...but now......I just don't know??
☺
♥♥♥

~~ Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So no one confuses them with feminists.

☺
~~ A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far
from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to
watch a mystery close up.
Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands
the usher a quarter..... Yep..... 25 cents.
The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and
whispers, "The wife did it."

☺

~~ Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary.
It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body.
It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things

☺

~~ The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without
proving that you are unworthy of winning.

☺

~~Steve Hilbert was fired from insurance giant Conseco after
decreasing the company's market capitalization by billions.
What did the company do to him for running the company into the
ground?
They gave him $75 million in severance pay --
beats the h*ll out of a gold watch.

☺

~~ Don't be intimidated by foreign cookery.
Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian.
Wine and tarragon make it French.
Sour cream makes it Russian.
Soy sauce makes it Chinese.
Garlic makes it good.
Now you are an international cook.

☺

~~ Ambition is the one thing that keeps people moving.
Although the "No Parking" sign is doing its best to keep up.

☺

~~ Two politician are having lunch together,
all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."

☺

~~ Europe to Iceland:
Why did you send us volcanic ash?
Our airspace has shut down.
Iceland: What? That's what you asked for isn't it?
Europe: NO! We said cash! CASH!
Iceland: Woooops...

☺
~~ Optimist: One who takes a frying pan on a fishing trip.

☺

~~ A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days,
but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him,
"How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now,
if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

☺

~~ Why do birds fly south?
Because if they walked, it would be winter by the time they got there.

☺
~~ MOTHER (helping to unpack camp trunk): Gregory, I'm so proud of
you!
You got awards for hiking, sailing, nature, and arts and crafts.
But tell me, what is this medal for?
GREGORY: It's for having my trunk packed neatly when we came home.
MOTHER: That's wonderful! How did you do it?
GREGORY: I never unpacked.

☺

~~ Q: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a sheep?
A: An animal that knits its own sweaters.

~~ Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at
the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you,
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone,
there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this
method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift....... Case Closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant.
I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled
explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on
flight number..."

☺ ☺ Todays Thought: Time is precious, but do not treasure it for you may
wind up without a watch.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Good Morning....Friends....looks like thats all thats here,
as the readership went down, way down.....
Oh, Well Life goes on........Bobbie likes it, I know.
☺

Have a bad cold this morning, but I did get up

and get the sunrise......

☺

Oh, My, you stinker....

☺

Alisons egg cat....meoww.......

☺

He likes the egg cat.......

☺

Bubba, here likes the food....can't you tell?

☺

Okay.....sent $49.00....

☺

Oh, noes.....not again......

☺

Okay......will do.....

☺

My favorite toon.....He's cool....

☺

I guess I'll leave on this pic......

Goat taxi??

☺

♥♥♥

☺

~~ The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office,

and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car,
and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over.
I hadn’t considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me
became obvious, and I looked across and explained,
“I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”
The other driver leaned out of his window.
“I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

☺

~~ A retired Linsay who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing
homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Hopwell and took
his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

☺
~~ A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was
told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk,
“just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

☺

~~ The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes
on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”
“A mongoose.”
“What for?”
“Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes,
and I’m scared to death of snakes.
That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot!
Those are imaginary snakes.”
“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box,
“So is the mongoose.”

☺

~~ Q: What kind of flying school doesn't anyone want to go to?
A: One that has a crash course.

☺

~~ His philandering wife was constantly going about in the skimpiest of
outfits, and Mr. Shepherd had had enough.
Deciding he's like to see her in something long and flowing, he pushed
her in the Mississippi River.

☺

~~ Gus: What three letters make a man of a boy?
Felix: I don't have the foggiest.
Gus: A-G-E.

☺

~~ After cashing a cheque at the bank, the woman in front of me
stood staring at her money.
"Did I give you enough back?" asked the teller.
Yes" she said, "But barely."

☺

~~ "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between

sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"

☺

~~ Bobbie said:
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much
information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!
Must be where 'Smart Ass' came from!
☺
☺
Today's Thought; If life is a flower,love is the honey and that is the reason
I call my love ‘honey’! .....

Monday, April 26, 2010

Good Morning friends and other readers.......
Well we didn't get any of the bad storms...
They pass right by us...we did get some wind.....
But all in all It was a nice day......
☺

There goes my breakfast...looks like you ate the burger meat...

☺

Damn....he couldn't wait to be fed.......

☺

Sorry bout that.......

☺

What you looking at?? I'm not laffin....

☺

He's found out what you can see on the web......

☺

Okay....I hope you did a good job.....

☺

I an't pullin your leg, or your finger....!

☺

Okay...fixed the car......

☺

See you later...gotta go shopping.......

☺

♥♥♥

☺

~~ Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,"
said Mrs. Davis with a sniff.
"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every
winter we spend a week at Delray Beach ."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly.
"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami ,
and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons,
in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile.
"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does..... Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist
in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour -
just to talk about me!”

☺

~~ The best thing to give an enemy is forgiveness;
to a friend, your heart; to a child, a good example; to a father, deference;
to a mother, good conduct; to yourself, respect; to all, charity.

☺
~~ Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following
took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped
out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

☺

~~ I was mugged twice last year.
The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50.
The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500.
The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the
kind of guy that would calculate those odds? 1 in 1.

☺
~~ The secretary in our mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver --
a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children's song,
"I'm a Little Teapot."
Seeing this, our child psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary's
desk: "Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder."

~~ A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey
glands, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news,
he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures."

☺

~~ They say that marriage makes a woman dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a husband, I lost my balance at the bank.

☺

~~ After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science
section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
He showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it; Thesaurus.

☺

~~ After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his
slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return
with both the money for the fine and proof of community service.
"That way," she said innocently, "you can kill two birds with one stone."
☺
☺

Todays Thought: Be who you are and say what you feel...
because those that matter...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Good Morning, Friends....A pretty nice rainy day......
The storms went west and north of us.....maybe a storm tonight.
☺

Their out looking for breakfast....also working up an appetite..

☺

Ah, here you go....breakfast!

☺

Wow....great job..."Alison."

I'm not a snake fan though.....

I think it's cool...

☺

Ready set go......hit the switch!

☺

Smile for the camera.......

☺

This kittie has a warm, soft bed......

☺

They small....Bubba.........

☺

Did you have breakfast...this morning?

Have some milk to wash it down....

☺

She thought that was funny.......

☺

Hopefully.....

☺

Well, I gotta go and pick up "Bobbie"

See ya later......

☺

♥♥♥

☺

~~ Flex phoned the fire department and said: "I have just had my front

yard landscaped, I have nice new flowerbeds, a rose border, a new fish
pond and a fountain."
"Very nice," said the fire chief, "but what does that have to do with the
fire service?"
Flex said: Because next door's house is on fire, and I don't want
your men trampling all over my front yard!"

☺

~~ Nowadays, when Granny sits at the spinning wheel,
chances are she's at the casino.

~~ Although my father has lived in America for almost 60 years,
he's never lost his Irish accent or fiery temperament.
One cold, snowy winter day, he realized he had locked his car keys
in the car.
My mother went into a nearby store to see if she could get some help.
When she returned, my dad introduced her to a tall policeman from
Ireland, who had unlocked the car door.
After she thanked the policeman, he explained.
"I couldn't leave a fellow countryman in distress."
"How did you know he was your countryman?" Mom asked.
"Well" he replied, "I haven't heard language like that since I left Ireland!"

☺

~~ Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had,
in a way you don't understand.

☺

~~ A young man visited an observatory for the first time.
While there he watched the astronomer look through a large telescope.
When the young man looked up at the night sky, he just happened to
see a shooting star.
"That's amazing!" he said.......
"You sure are a great shot."

☺

~~ One stormy winter morning an obviously anxious mother called
the school office to ask if her son's bus had gotten there safely.
She was asked, "What is your son's name and what grade is he in?"
A giggle followed a pause. "Oh, my son's not a student.
He's the bus driver."

☺

~~ Several new army recruits were marched by their sergeant to the
medical facility to be inoculated.
While standing in line one recruit remarked to another,
"Wow, what an outfit! We have only been in the army for fifteen minutes
and already we are presenting arms!"

☺

~~ Gus: What is the best thing to take when one is run down?
Pete: I don't know.
Gus: The license number of the car.

☺

~~ You'll Never Hear A Woman Say ...
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
And for our honeymoon let's go fishing in Alaska!
Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out
how to get there.
Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
I don't care if it is on sale, 100 dollars is too much for a dress.
☺
☺
Todays Thought: Never trust a computer you can't throw out of a window.