Tuesday, March 29, 2016

This is me.

I've known for quite some time that I'm not an open book. I hold things close to my sleeve and in order to learn anything you have to shake my arm really hard, hoping that something will pop out. I used to assume that everyone knew me, and that all they needed to do was ask if they had any doubts about who I am. I know now, that is not the case. There are a lot of people in my life who don't know who I am, what I like, how I think, and what I enjoy. This post is my attempt to help you become a little more aware of how I tick.

I hardly smile. This isn't due to the fact that I'm sad or depressed. I reserve my smiling for those of most importance to me. If anyone out there cares to tell me that I used to smile all of the time, then I care to tell you that you probably didn't know me very well. I was pretty fake when I was a young kid, most of the time I was hiding the fact that I was so down in the dumps that I'd pretty much started decomposing. I'm not angry either, which is something that most people assume about me. I hardly feel well these days, which apparently comes across to the masses as anger. When I'm a sarcastic douche bag, it doesn't mean that I'm angry. It just means that I'm speaking what's on my mind. I like to do that a lot, which makes some people uncomfortable.

I can come across with a slight hint of negativity. I would never assume that I am negative in the slightest. Instead of simply being optimistic about everything, I live in the reality of the world. You never know what kind of wrench that life is going to throw into your cogs, to assumingly (not actually a word) tell someone something that might not come true is simply a delusion that you are choosing to live in. Unless I'm purposely trying to use my imagination, I try to take things literally.

I've was accused recently of being a bad father. First, I want to tell you how much that hurts. I have never thought of myself as "father of the year", but to say that I'm bad, or to use any form of negativity towards my parenting, is like thrusting a knife into my chest. Second, you aren't around me 24/7. You only see a small snip it of my life with my family. I'm not sorry that I want my children to be respectable members of society, instead of disrespectful morons. I'm not sorry that I don't want them to ruin things that aren't theirs to ruin. I'm not sorry that I don't want them to talk-back when they do something inappropriate and I need to reprehend them. I never hit my children, I never tell them that they are the worst in the world. I admit that I do tease them, but if you knew who my children were at all, then you wouldn't be so quick to tell me that I'm relentless. They have tough skins. They understand that I'm joking. They understand that their dad is a big tease. I want my children to have fun. I don't want them to be huge sticks in the mud, or be afraid of every damn thing in this world. I will also admit that I probably have them on a tight leash. If you knew how hard I try and allow them to be children, and how much I allow them to get away with, you wouldn't be so quick to judge me. I might raise my voice to my children when they are about to do something that I know will hurt them, but I would never just yell at them to hear my own voice. I won't apologize for the laughter that I here every day, for the things that they imagine, for the intelligence that they have, for the mischief that they get into, for the secrets that they share with me, for the tears that they shed over a broken toy or a friend going away, for the bright-lit expressions they have when they learn something knew, or for the love that they so obviously have for the world that they live in. So, please, tell me again how I'm so mean to my kids. Please, tell me how I am a bad parent.

Now that all of the serious things are out of the way, let's get into the more amazing things. Despite trying for probably the last ten years, I have not been able to give up soda. I've gone months without it, only to break and fall back into the bitter habit. I'm sure next year I'll make the same goal. Maybe, just maybe, I'll stick to it.

I have more journals lying around my house, and that of my Dad's, than any book I have sitting on the three shelves I own (which are completely full of books). I used to have separate journals for almost every aspect of my life. I'd put all of them in my back pack, and cared more for them than I did of the school books that I also had to carry around. I have a passion for writing and only wish that I had the time to do it more. I now only carry a single journal around, which contains a lot of my life, even down to the Christmas lists I write for things that I need to purchase for my family.

I have three keys to my heart. They are cookies (which usually contain no nuts nor fruit), pizza (any kind will do), and gummy bears. If you ever need to tell me anything , as long as you give me one of these three things, the sting of whatever you need to tell me will dissipate. I've been known to eat any of these three things any time of day, even after I've brushed my teeth.

I love to be outside. I find more happiness spending my time out in nature than I do anywhere else. I love to hike and wish I could make a life out of doing it. I love looking at rocks and rock formations. I love to jog. I know it might appear that I would ever say that, but I do. I find it exhilarating. I just don't have the stamina to jog very far.

When I'm upset I listen to angry music. It doesn't calm me down but it seems to be the type of music that one must listen to when they are upset. I also listen to musicals, inspirational music, rock, rap, and even though it slightly makes my ears bleed, country sometimes finds a place into my playlist. I find inspiration when listening to music. A lot of my best poetry (yes I write poetry), has come during times when I've been listening to music. I even listen to music when I write these blog posts.

My favorite color is blue. I love to cook, read, and sing. I love to imagine my future. I'm happiest during warm summers and cool falls. I dislike ignorant and judgemental people. I don't like to be touched but I like to be close to people. I like to teach. I like geology. I wanted to go into the army but got really sick and decided that it probably wasn't right for me. I wanted to teach English in Chile, and got accepted to go, but then decided to marry the love of my life instead. I love taking showers and sleeping (sometimes at the same time). I like to make animal noise with my kids. I like to open my kids Christmas presents, you know, so I can be the first one to play with them. I love to be with my family. I like to have family dinner parties where we buy pizza and play games. I like spending time with those who have time for me. I love my life. I love who I am. I love the adventure that I'm on.

Is there anything else you want to know about me? What is an interesting fact about you? Let me know!