A neurobiological work in progress

Category: Insecurity

It's a phrase-ism my mother-in-law uses. "I'm commencing to think that __________________( fill in the blank here). " But today, I did a thing, a little behavioral habit of mine that I know usually leaves me kind of icky-feeling, but that's never stopped me before. Back in the day, when Luke was still a thing, and I … Continue reading I’m commencing to think…..

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I've posted before on how I learned to make sense of the world; rejecting the deity-oriented worldview was necessary to account for examples of injustice and human suffering that are the rule on Earth, rather than the exception. Cheaters win here. (A lot.) Good guys go unrewarded. Children starve, are gassed, sold into 'marriage,' and … Continue reading On Hubris

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I've been tossing this idea around again, as I've been noticing the telltale signs of creeping depression. Brief ones, yes. Muted, yes. But definite, like a little beckoning echo in the water that sneaks closer and closer on the wind. Pretty soon, it will cocoon me again, like a cool fountain mist on a blistering day. I … Continue reading Trigger Warning: Suicide

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Today is one of those days when I feel like my whole life is a trigger. You know, when you get hit with the realization that what you want is never going to happen, and can't ever happen no matter how you change your circumstances, how much you wrangle the environment, no matter how badass … Continue reading I’m struggling

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why the FUCK can i not do this . why. its easy for everyone else, have friends, trust, be nice, go out, have fun, not worry, whatever. for me? i have never done it and when i have tried i have failed. outright. royally. large. no fucking chance. i misread cues, i get paranoid, i … Continue reading Seeking whom he may devour…

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ive spent the better part of 18 months cultivating seeds of insecurity into brambles of depression. Trying to pick my way through the thorns without razing the hedge. It dawned on me. I offered you complete carte blanche. Unrestricted access, anywhere on the continuum. And where did you draw the line? At point fucking zero. … Continue reading So it dawned on me

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So part of digging out of this hole is knowing where you want to be at the end of the day. Right? Something sucks, you become aware of it with your wise mind, disengage the judging, reactionary mind, and let it float away, all the while going about your business without letting it be an anchor … Continue reading ACT part 2

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Can you believe I just came upon this idea in the last week? SMDH. (In my defense, I haven't broken up with anyone in 25 years.) It piqued my interest because it mirrors some of the things I've already tried and found successful. 1. Changing the "Make Him Sorry" board to "Make Myself Proud." Because … Continue reading No Contact

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Maybe it was that coy little smile he gave me last week in the parking lot, sweaty and hot and running while I was chatting up one of the other mommies at track practice. The way he came from behind me, already waving, sexy eye contact over the shoulder and I thought, "He does like … Continue reading What was I thinking?

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The kids' Spring choral concert was today. It was every wonderful cliche'd thing an elementary singing show should be. Kindergartners in yellow dresses and blonde pigtails, singing "Jesus loves me, this I know," and in their little off key voices. But the school is K-8 and the big kids got their turn, too. And the … Continue reading Puny God