Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

"

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing."We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as MPs in the British Parliment.

Another strange occurrence: Last night as I closed the laptop Her indoors asked me what I'd been looking at, ''Oh just a few cheap flights'' ,I reply. Suddenly she gives me a massive hug,tells me she loves me,and drags me off to the bedroom!!

I was stunned,...I never realised she was even interested in darts.........

"We're not exactly sure how this one is enforced... In the village of Sarpourenx, in southwest France, Mayor Gerard Lalanne has forbidden residents to die. In 2008, he issued an ordinance stating that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish" and if they do, "offenders will be severely punished."

Yup, now you know why I live in SW France, I'm not allowed to Die.

For ever and ever, who could ask for anything more,

My wife texted me and said "Bob while you are in town buy me something which will make me look sexy" !!
so i stopped off in t*sc*s on the way home and bought myself 12 cans of stella.!!

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed wind at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing it because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my wind, although still silent, stinks terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

- A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologise for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness." The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you." The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

- Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

That Nun joke was doing the rounds when I was at secondary school, it was about ten years later that I got the joke, that and the all candles must be out be 9.00 joke. Keep em coming Oldfella, they are class

An old couple are on the beach. The old girl said, "What do you think of my flip-flops?" The old boy replies, "Act your age and put your bikini top back on"

A reporter was interviewing an 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

A man aged 74 was driving down the motorway when his mobile started to ring. When he answered it, his wife sternly warned, 'It just said on the news that there's a man driving the wrong way down your section of the m4!'
'One of them?' he replied. 'There's hundreds of them!!!'