August 12, 2015

Uninvited Guests Are Gross

Everyone has an uninvited guest from time to time. I have one that seems to show up at the worst possible moments. You know that feeling of doom you get when your (always) intoxicated relative shows up at a holiday dinner during the prayer? You have one of those, too, right? Or a zit that won't quit when you have an important event to attend? Well that's the same doom I feel when my uninvited guest stops by.
When I alerted my sig other of my plans to write about my guest he scoffed, "Why would you want to write about him? He's gross!"
I have to admit, I was hesitant at first but then I figured "What the hell?" Gross is in right?! No... maybe not.

I met "Roy" after the birth of my second child. I'll never forget that odious moment. I was in the bathroom when he had the nerve to show up wreaking of funk! "WTF?!" was my first reaction. I searched frantically for the source of that horror but my search was unsuccessful. So I did what any woman would do when she's in a bathroom, exposed, and a cadaveresque odor appears out of nowhere.I GRABBED A MUTHALUVIN' MIRROR!!!Remember, I had just given birth so there were all sorts of things happening down there! I made my way through the debris and the flaps of oatmeal-textured vagina I had left. I could have very well been in Oz because I didn't recognize anything in that area! Just as I was ready to panic and cry me a river, I spotted him. I stared at him and he stared at me. A damn hemorrhoid!

"OH HELL TO THE NAWL!!! Somebody get Forensic Files because there's about to be a massacre up in here!"Had I not been through enough? Had I not just brought another of God's most beautiful children into the world? And was this my reward? A vile creature I detested?Whenever I thought of hemorrhoids, I imagined a mile-long piece of intestine hanging from someone's nevermind, resembling a meal fit for a vulture! I went into panic mode and had only ONE thought:I WANT MY MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I called her and she brought me back from the pits of Hell with her infinite wisdom! "It's alright." she said. "Your body has changed...again...and that's something you're just gonna have to learn to live with." Reluctantly, I swallowed her words as I flipped off the Universe.I eventually learned to hate accept my new butt-buddy. I embraced him like a dumpster-juice-soaked teddy bear and named him "Roy." Roy still had his moments of missing the good hygiene mark but we worked on that. He came with many curves and crevices I had to learn to get around.The defunkarization process was a wild beast but was easily tamed. Roy now shows up without anyone noticing. Except on occasion when he packs extra baggage and leaves me feeling like someone's going brillo pad happy in my down-yonder! At those times, Tucks comes for a sleepover if Summer's Eve can't work her Island Splash-scented magic.Be sure to let both of those companies know I just advertised for them. Pay me bitche$!!! I don't work for free! Do you have a butt-buddy or postpartum guest you'd like to (over)share about? What unexpected turns did your body take after your little human popped out? Be sure to follow Thriller Mom everywhere! Before you go, click on the lady below please! That gives me your vote. Thanks and you are always appreciated!