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What About Stubbornness?

The following is an excerpt from Nancy Moelk’s new book (yet to be titled). This comes from a section on our Wills. The Self-Test For Coming Out of Stubbornness is especially helpful.

Some Christians dwell on the surrender of the will as if that means to throw it away and be a spineless invertebrate. Many times, the ease in which people fall into this trap is fueled by the hidden agenda of fitting in and complying with others at all costs. This gives a secret but powerful rationale for why giving up your way (supposedly) is the best way to go. The false teaching that the will is somehow bad or to be killed is not in alignment with God’s best for people.

The religious spirit loves to see Christians try to amputate parts of the self in the hopes of controlling sin and making themselves righteous in their own power rather than an inward transformation brought about by communion and fellowship with the Holy Spirit. So, you have well-meaning Christians who try to throw away their minds and blunder through life following emotions and making decisions based on vague prophecies or feelings which they mistake as the leading of the Holy Spirit. Others want to pretend they don’t have emotions and must think their way through life. While some believe God wants them to have a joyless existence of gutting it out without any sense of passion. Some think that if they ever have a choice, then they must give up what they want and for the “sake of Christ” refuse to allow themselves to feel any satisfaction. If we are at odds with our will then we will need to be unraveled from that unnatural, ungodlike stance.

We can look further into this concept of the will, willfulness and stubbornness. First, what is stubbornness? Are stubbornness and will the same thing? And how are they connected? The word for stubbornness in Hebrew (sahar) means not yielding to wisdom or reason or persuasion. Stubbornness is dead and will is moving and hot and intense. Stubbornness rarely leads to success and victory. Unlike perseverance which is needed at times to put up with difficult challenges, we use stubbornness when we are stuck in a situation and we can’t get out of it and we resent it. Stubbornness is not our friend.

Listen to yourself think or talk about different circumstances in your life past or present where you express resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, self-condemnation, or any other negative reaction to something you can’t change but obviously are not accepting. This is where you will be engaging in stubbornness and it can rob us moment by moment of appreciating what is and what we might be able to do if we ever put our energy to it instead of simply hating what we can’t have.

Self-test for Moving Out of Stubbornness

Here are some questions to help you determine if you are stuck in stubbornness and begin to make moves out of it:

What is the situation I feel I can’t change but won’t accept? I resent it.

Why is this so hard for me to accept?

What, if anything, am I getting out of continuing to stay stubborn?

What are the faulty belief systems (lies I have believed) that are helping to fuel my stubbornness?

Where or how could I get my needs met elsewhere?

Make a list of actions I will take to move towards dealing with my present situation as part of facing it and working with it.

Here is the worksheet from a victim of severe abuse who used this model to get unstuck from destructive overeating:

What is the situation I feel I can’t change but won’t accept? I resent it?

I want to be able to eat whatever I want with no consequences. I hate the fact that my relationship with my body and my eating was affected by the abuses in my life as a child. It is not fair that I had abuse happen to me. I don’t want to accept that I can only eat certain foods or that I must limit my portions.

Why is this so hard for me to accept?

I feel very sorry for myself. I feel punished and deprived. When I can’t eat what I want I feel that I am bad and shamed. Getting food is a sign of being loved. It is a comfort and a place to hide. It gives me relief from the pain and the people who hunt me down and use me. I can pretend it is all “ok” because they give me something to eat. It is the help I need to pretend and pretend and pretend. I feel like I will go crazy without it. My great distraction. When I am around other people, especially my family, I want to overeat because I feel inadequate. I am not enough for whatever they need and feel ashamed of it. I cannot meet their every need.

What, if anything, am I getting out of continuing to stay stubborn?

Distraction. It takes my attention away from problems. It helps me pretend everything is OK. Gives me a medication. It is fun and feels like my little adventure where no one will bother me. Fills up space in my life when I am bored, or tired or don’t know what else to do. Some of the thoughts I flee are imagining I am in others’ heads and how they are regarding me (usually negative)—therefore I hate social media, it is the embodiment of that). Or I flee feelings of shame about myself, that others don’t want me or like me, that I am disgusting, that others will suck me dry if I make myself available. If I can’t find something redeeming to do to be worth something, it gives me a “hopeless despair place” to flop over and give up.

Place to flee to. It is like a shut-down valve to keep me from being destroyed. When I eat, I don’t have to be present to myself and all the impossible demands on me.

Place to rest. Most importantly, it is a place where I finally don’t have to try because it is hopeless anyway.

Expresses trauma in another drama. I have a place to repeat my trauma. I am living out with food the relationship I had with my abusers. I feel I need it and can’t live without it, but it is bad for me and betrays me even though it looks like it is comforting me and sustaining me and being good for me. It has become my obsession and I feel I can’t live without it, but it is poisoning me and killing my life. They give me food while abusing me to take my attention elsewhere. It is my friend and my enemy at the same time. I feel hopeless and stuck. Even food, like the others in my life, pretends to be my friend but has really betrayed me.

Gives impression of remedy. If I can’t eat what I want, it feels like I am being punished, abandoned and left to fend for self when I can’t. I won’t survive, I feel, if I can’t overeat and escape like that.

What are the faulty belief systems (lies I have believed) that are helping to fuel my stubbornness?

That God can’t meet these needs in another way.

That God doesn’t have a remedy for me.

That I still must pretend because there are problems I can’t solve—the main one I can’t solve is this thing I am doing to try and pretend ironically.

That I am not OK as I am.

That not being loved is either my fault or the fault of others who are incapable of the kind of love I want.

That I need in anyway to be ashamed or disgusted with myself.

That I must meet other’s needs or be something for them I can’t be.

That food can love me or that having food symbolizes being loved.

That the pain food is removing is becoming less than the pain it is causing me now.

I no longer need a place to go to where I don’t have to try.

I no longer need a place to rest in the way of food.

Where or how could I get these things met elsewhere where I wouldn’t need food to do it? (Distraction, place to flee to, place to rest, express trauma and find remedy.)

Engage people who I really feel loved by.

Meditate and spend time with the Holy Spirit.

Exercise in a way I enjoy but not driven by fear to do it.

Engage in a hobby, read, walk, enjoy outdoors, play a sport

Have a counseling appointment

Make a list of actions you will take to move towards dealing with your present situation as part of facing it and working with it.

Throw out junk food.

Take a short walk a couple times a day.

Spend time each week with family and friends engaged.

Spend time making good meals that are also healthy.

Avoid bad thinking where I judge myself or others.

Forgive anyone whom I am holding a grudge against.

Stop comparing myself to others and looking for their view of me to make me feel good.

Invite God into my moments when I most feel alone and like trying to flop over.

Build relational capacity with myself by being kind to the hurt and wounded parts and welcoming them with love and acceptance.

What does Healthy Use of Will Look Like?

We hear many warnings about not being stubborn. But we rarely hear much about the healthy and proper development and use of our wills in everyday life. We don’t need to be afraid of our wills. Any type of insecure leadership who wishes we would be passive and not give any competition to them may promote meek little followers and “yes” men. Jesus and the Holy Spirit want to make us into lions and He will do that to us if we let Him. Remember, He is looking for willing participants who bring their whole self to the table in a relationship with Him. He wants to “know” us in every area of life and unite with us in many, many fun and powerful endeavors. Paul said it well when he cried, “ I want to lay hold of the reason He laid hold of me!”[1]

Speaking of Paul, he was a wonderful example of someone who was willing. Whether he set his mind on killing Christians or knowing Christ, he did it with great intensity and determination. He ran into Christ on the road to Damascus and was struck blind in a vision where Christ called to him from heaven. What if Paul had continued to oppose Christianity? What if he had refused to accept that he was wrong in his assessment of Jesus Christ and bitterly spent the rest of his days feeling victimized by the fact he didn’t get his way on that religion thing and was still blind? That would be a good example of being stubborn. Fortunately for Paul and the early church, he didn’t not resist the coming to grips with reality. Once he got turned around in the right direction, his willingness became a great asset to himself, the early church and, of course, to God with whom Paul got to walk with intimately all his days from then on.

Our wills are meant to be used in conjunction with our minds and emotions. Our wills are a basic part of our nature and not to be left out. Joining with Him and His power is fun. A good picture of our wills is like volcanic lava which clears a path for us. God is full of will and He made us full of will and God meant it to be used. Determining with our wills to accomplish something needs to be like us getting into our boat and hoisting the sail, then welcoming the wind of the Holy Spirit to come and fill us and move us forward to our goal.

Imagine a father holding the hands of his child and swinging her around. His power and energy come through the child in a delightful game. God doesn’t want to micro manage us but to join with us. At times He will direct us in a very specific forceful way where He doesn’t give much choice. But most of the time, He is very happy to support us and play with us to use the will He gave us to do things we want to do. Even in small things, He will help us to accomplish something which is important to us. It may not seem important to Him but because it is important to you, He cooperates with us to help it happen. Wouldn’t you do the same as part of being an attentive and loving parent?

Think kindly of your will. What if you were full of grace, love, mercy, a good dinner? If you were full of will, that would be a good thing, too. Of course, we can get in trouble with our wills but can also get into trouble with the misuse of our mind and emotions. Let’s change the word “willful” to “willing”.

What are you willing to do? Are you willing to be successful? Powerful? Are you willing to be the head and not tail? Are you determined to enjoy life? Are you insisting on linking up with God so the two of you can accomplish much together? Remember the interaction between Jesus and the lame man at the pool of Bethesda? He asked him “Do you want to be healed?”

If we are willing to heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead, as God’s will for His people, He will unite with us to do it. Let’s elaborate for a moment on “raising the dead.” Raising the dead can also mean identifying dead practices and bringing forth new life-filled ways of doing things instead. We can be surrounded by dead ideas and customs that don’t work, or people who are dead spiritually. How often in groups or families is there no one who will speak up and say, “Hey, we do it like this all the time, and it doesn’t work! Let’s try something else that will be effective.” Are we willing to call out things and try a new way? In our own lives? In our families? In our churches and schools and government?

When Gary and I were missionaries in France, we were sent to a city to work with another missionary couple who had been there many years. They gave us a check list of “helpful guidelines”:

Live in a French neighborhood-keep a distance between your personal lives and the “work”.

Do evangelism like we do, knock on doors, hand out tracks and run book tables at the University Cafeteria.

Hang out with the little group of believers (six people) who the missionaries had gathered around them.

Go to the Reformed French Church.

We only managed one out of five:

We ended up living in a poor immigrant neighborhood. Our apartment was right next to an active train track and we would sway with each passing run. Gary said it was the only place he could find in our price range.

We were nudged between two Algerian couples and there were many more scattered though the apartment buildings of our complex.

I spent most of my time hanging out with these ladies and getting involved in their lives. I even got to show a group of them the Jesus movie in Arabic!

The two people we were closest to, were not part of the little group of believers in town. Kamal, was a young man who lived with us for a while and Rachida was a kidney dialysis patient we had led to Christ. She spent much time with us and our family.

We did go to the Reformed French Church.

Probably the thing we did best was to infuriate and offend the other missionary couple. They had always done things that way and our stepping in and disrupting their rhythm was certainly not appreciated. Unfortunately for them, it bore good fruit.

A casual reading of Scripture will illustrate how God keeps showing up and doing things differently. Jesus and the prophets were an offense and surprise to the religious leadership every time. Being willing to look at ourselves and our lives and consider revising some of our ways is a great idea. We want to see ourselves walking alongside of God hand in hand and letting His will flow through us. The first step in doing this is to be open to new ways of seeing and doing.