The Dark Closet And Its Untold Secrets

- Dinul Hettiarachchi (Sri Lanka)

Society still accepts me. People still talk to me. No one looks at me differently. But what no one knows is how I cry myself to sleep; the way I stare at an empty void contemplating all the bad things that might happen if I was to come out, but also, all the good things. The goodness I’d feel within, to finally, be, myself. They don't know how hard it is for me to not love myself merely because they won't accept me. Those boys aren't the ones that are forced to google 'how to be heterosexual.’ They will never understand how painful it is to mask that when I laugh at something your crush says, unlike them, I’m laughing at not only his amazing sense of humour but also the way he smiles, the way his face lights up and gleams because that’s what makes me happy. They will never understand the way my head explodes as I'm forced to decide on who I'm going to be each day. Should I be bisexual or heterosexual?

Was I a coward? Yes. Am I still a coward? Yes. And the most frustrating bit of my sad pathetic story is that this is just one of the thousands of problems in my life. And as long as I stay inside this dark closet with its own untold fantasies and secrets, I know that I'll be safe. Or rather, safe from them, but at the brutality of my own self doubt. One day I found myself staring at an iridescent sunset and as the mellifluous wisp of wave crests rasping the sandy shore serenaded me, it got me thinking. My love was illicit and although it wasn't some sort of epiphany, I still felt like it was all new to me. For I had given up on understanding my sexuality, just so that I'd be able to focus on my studies. My love is something that others won't understand so why should I bother hating myself because of their ignorant inabilities. My love maybe a joke to them but the courage this love has given me proves that it's the strongest kind of love there is. Tumblr and romantic movies taught me that the best feeling is waking up next to the one I love. But I fear that this society will make that 'feeling' fake and sickening. I fear that my cowardice will actually ruin the lives of those around me.

Isn’t it revolting that I actually give a shit about other people whilst they don't even care about me? I was hesitant to ever trusting anyone but I just thought to myself, what if I die unexpectedly?, Won't it be a pity that I'll be dying as fake as the fake people I criticised, and feeling the fake love I despised, because I'd never know as to who would've actually stayed if they knew the real me? I can still remember the first time I came out to my best friend and the way she supported me through it all. Sure she was shocked when I did but then life actually became so much easier for me because I knew that at least one person in the whole wide world knew the real me, it was as if all the burden was lifted from my shoulders and the irony is, as much as I felt that this would make me weak, vulnerable, I actually felt stronger. The part of me that has been hiding in the shadows for too long. That's just my story but now I know that I'm not alone because I'm sure many others face such calamities and that they too fight their own demons in their own ways. It is unfair that we are the ones forced to change and not those who don't accept us for who we truly are. It is unfair that we never had a say as to whether we were going to be straight, homosexual, bisexual or transgender because that's just how we are, that’s how we’re born, that’s how we feel, that’s who we love- and you know what, that’s alright. But just a reminder to all those fighting the same battle as me, never forget that we are unique and special in our own way. Just because we aren’t diamond, doesn’t mean we aren’t valuable. Just because we aren’t those that bow down to societal norms and views, doesn’t mean we aren’t normal. The exact same element but different structures and that's just who we are; humans made of skin, bones, hair and teeth like the rest but just different, more special - extra-ordinary.

I have been a coward my whole life and words cannot express how much I've been smiling the past few minutes ever since I started writing this. I don't know what made me write this but it's pretty boring inside this closet after all. So here I step out and although I don't know what may lie ahead of me from this moment on. Maybe, society will not accept me. Maybe, people will not talk to me. Maybe, everyone will look at me differently. But I'm satisfied that they would be accepting the real me, they would be talking to the real me, and they’d be looking at the real me. And those that will still high-five me in school, those that will look beyond my sexual orientation and into my personality, they’re my real friends, and that’s all that really matters to me.​​