Forum Virgin

Hey everyone,
Im new here and this is my first post so please bear with me while i blab away.... Im not too sure why im posting, nor why i feel the need to. Im not sure what's wrong with me...
i know im depressed i cry about nothing and there are days i dont want to get out of bed because i cant bear to see another day. There are times when im really happy and times where i can slice at my legs for an hour.
There has never been a big defining point for me as to when i started feeling like this, i suppose i had a parent pass away, had a miscarriage and found out i cant have children. i have had boyfriends but they have never been too serious, and when they start to, i bail. I have a medical condition that makes me prone to put on weight and i have been putting it on and everyone i speak to tells me very directly i need to lose it. Its coming to a stafe where i dont leave the house unless i have to because im scared of what people will say when they look at me.
I have written suicide notes and planned things out, but when push comes to shove i dont think i can actually do it. Leave everything behind. I dont want to be here at all but ive been through a family death and i think about all the people who would be affected by it. I just feel empty.
im stuck in the middle of something thats leaving me feeling violated and empty. the only joy i feel is when im high or drunk or with my friends.
i dont know what to do, and i dont know how to get out, it seems i keep digging and falling further and further down...
Am i depressed or it is stemming from something else?

I think you are depress and fustrated. One thing that you should be happy that you are now. If you look around you may find someone who want to be happy but they cannot such as kids with autism, or down syndrome or disable people. They want to be happy but how because they cannot. For you, at least you are lucky to be born complete and have everything. Feeling and emotion are thing that you are making it. Have you ever ask why are you happy and why are you unhappy. Believe me unhappiness and happiness are together. Unhappiness for one people can be happiness for the others vice vesa.
You are lucky that you can wake up in the next day. Someone would like to be like this has no chance even though how much they would like to wake up on the next day. Life is no so tragedy but somehow all lives are suffering. When you see someone with happiness do you think they are really happy, they may not. You see lots of nice couple that sometimes makes us jealous but may be at home there is a big fight, who know!
If you can see thing as the way it is and understand it, I am sure the life is more worth to live.
I hope this can help you more or less. Please get back to me if you would like.

I can relate, in a way, I have always been depressed I just had better methods of hiding it. But once those methods were not longer avalible to me... then my depression went full blown.

For some of us we are in the hole always have been in the hole and there is no way we can get out without a tremendous amount of work. I know that in order for me to climb out of the hole would take MUCH more work than I could ever want to put forth. And even then chances are I would fall right back in. So I don't try.

As for wussing out. Hey trust me I have been there as well. It is the only thing keeping me alive really. I am scared to kill myself for some reason... they desire is there... just not the will, not yet anyway. My thoughts generally revolve around "I don't wanna die but I don't wanna keep living either".