OUR BABY WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE BUT I'M SO GRATEFUL WE HAVE OUR RAINBOW

28 June 2017

This time a year ago would have been my due date. Having a baby after loss is hard. No matter how early you have a loss you still have a that what if? Our miscarried little bean is my favourite what if. It's very bittersweet but our beautiful little Daughter wouldn't have been her without it.
I always wonder what our baby would have been. A baby boy? A baby girl? Ginger? Blonde? Brunette? Tall, short, Mummy's Girl/Boy, Daddy's Girl/Boy? There are so many wonders. It's normal to think like that though; isn't it?

Our baby would have had one sometime around this date. 2017 will see Iris turn one and it's going to be amazing. There is a slight sadness but it's certainly a little less achy this year. Last year reaching what would have been our due date was pretty hard. I was hormonal, pregnant and had not long had contractions at 22 weeks and was feeling scared. I just wanted my baby girl to be safe and in my arms.

Having a rainbow baby is one of those things, it's one of those things where you don't know how you feel. You don't want the rainbow baby to ever feel like it's living in a shadow of the lost baby, ours was only a 5/6 week old little bean but we tested and got a positive very early so we knew for about 3 weeks. To us that positive test was enough to get us excited so to lose that was hard.

Our little bean could have been crawling, possibly toddling and having a birthday party and a cake smash instead we have an absolutely beautiful little 8 month old crawling around and pulling herself up and showing off as the little smarty pants that she is. That is special and it heals the sadness.

So many people expect you to just get over it easily because of the gestation but it is still hard because you have this excitement and in-vision this baby and what they'll look like and what they'll be like and what their personality will be like. It's something I've healed over time with. I think Iris helped that. She's absolutely perfect and I'll never not tell her how happy we are to have her. She's our sunshine, the brightness and little rainbow. I adore her.