Loving you and loving me

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Tag Archive | grief

You left me without any preparation. How was a 16 year old girl supposed understand losing her 16 year old best friend? Even today being 21 years old, I still break down at the sound or thought of your name. I break down as if it was that faithful day of December 2012.

I will never look at New Year’s Eve the same as I did before. I will always feel a pain in my heart on that day.

Sometimes I sit back and remember all of those times I would lock myself out the house and I would come over to yours and we would eat everything in your fridge. We would talk about any and everything and we would laugh. That’s what I miss the most: LAUGHING. Your laugh was such a full laugh that would show all of your teeth and could make anyone else around you burst out laughing.

I can’t help but to laugh at all the times we rode in the back of the bus after football games and sang stupid songs and all the times we would stay after school until color guard and band practice.

I never understood why God would take someone who wanted to be here so bad and leave someone who at the time couldn’t care less about dying. I still until this day don’t understand why he took you but I know he took you on his own time and when he knew you were ready to sit by the King.

You gave me something that I could never replace. You gave me a friendship that was worth so much for the little time we had together (10 years). You literally rode for me no matter what. You never let anyone come at me sideways or even try me and I appreciated it. You gave me a deeper understanding of myself and a deeper connection to my hopes and dreams.

I promise you I will continue to watch over your mom as I know you would of done for me. I will continue to push and finish everything I start because I’m not just doing this for me anymore, I am doing this for both of us. Your life gave me a bigger meaning to go for what seems to be “untouchable” because you would always tell me that I was unstoppable.

So when I feel ready to give up, I look at your picture and I can’t help but smile and keep going. Keep spinning on my love!

Thank you Courtney Janay Brown for giving me another chance at life! I love you more than you could ever know!