Over the past two years, my life has changed. Mostly for the better. I have somehow let go of anger and other issues holding me back. Yet, there is one thing that I haven't done One thing that keeps me up at night. One thing that brings me to tears every day. I haven't forgiven myself. I can forgive people, even though it may take some time, no matter what they have done, but I just can't forgive myself. I came across these two little charts regarding moving forward. There are so many areas of my life in which I am moving forward, but I am stuck in one area. I can't let go of the shame of my failures I can't make peace with my past.

I have failed my son in more ways than I can even write down. I know I have to just move on and learn. I have learned and I'm different now than I was and things are changing, but I can't let go. I sit up at night and think of all the ways that I failed him and how his life could be so different now if I'd only done things differently. I know it's useless to do, but I can't stop. I can't let it go. It's gotten to the point where I don't ever want to leave him. I always want him right where I can see him. School has been torture for me. Each morning when I leave him, I get sick to my stomach. I count down the minutes until he gets home. One would think it would get easier the more days that pass. Not true. It's getting worse. Last month, both kids had field trips the same day (what are the odds?). It was Sunshine's first field trip, so it wouldn't be fair to her for me not to go since I've been on every one of Monster's field trips until now. I actually did very well on field trip day, until about 12:30. That was the time we got home. I was actually hyperventilating I was so worried. By the time I actually picked Monster up, I was a complete and utter wreck. He had a great time and there was obviously nothing for me to be so worried about. I couldn't help it though. Sadly, I'm putting this all on him.

The thing about not letting go of the past is that you teach your kids to hold onto their own past failures. I see this in Monster. Last weekend, there was a typo in the newsletter, however, we didn't know it was a typo until 2 days later. On Friday, the newsletter said that a project was due Monday. A project we had no information about. At first, I honestly thought Monster dropped the ball. Luckily, I stand at the corner to pick him up with other moms from his class. No one had any idea what this project was. No one got any information. However, Monster was still very upset. He was actually in tears and asking why he didn't know what he was supposed to do. I reassured him it wasn't him and everyone else in the class was in the same boat. Other students and their parents pretty much disregarded the project since there was no information, but Monster tried his best to do something. He knew it might not be exactly right, but he didn't want to go to school empty handed. He did the project to the best of his ability without knowing anything about what was expected. Sunday night, I got an email from another parent telling me the date had been changed. I asked Monster if he just wanted to keep the stuff he did at home and said, "No, I think I should take it. I should turn it in so it's early and at least part of it is done." The kid is 7 and he already has a better work ethic than some adults. Sadly though, this was driven by him not being able to let go of his horrible first grade experience. Even after telling him no one knew what they were supposed to do for the project, he still believed that, somewhere, he missed something and it was his fault.

I need to figure out a way to break this cycle. To forgive myself for things I've done wrong. To move on. I really need to do it for me, but, like everything in my world, I'm not driven by what I need to do for me, I'm driven by what I need to do for my children. And I need to do this for them. I need to show them it's OK to fail and was just learn and try harder next time. I need them to not only hear those words, but for them to see me doing it as well so they know I'm not just saying it, but living it. So that's my new goal, letting go. Forgiving myself. I honestly don't know how I'm going to accomplish this, but I have no choice. I need my children to know it's OK to move on from the past. I need my children to know it's alright to fail. I need my children to know that each day is a new start. I am their best example of how to live their lives, which means I need to start living in today and not last year.

I know I've said it before, but autumn is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love everything about it. It's also our busiest time of the year. For some reason, I feel like this particular autumn has been our busiest, and maybe it has since our only "free" day happens to be Fridays. We are booked with activities until December. To add to it, I've been advocating for the school levy coming up. I feel like everything I've been posting revolves around this levy, so sorry everyone who doesn't live here (and if you do live here, make sure you vote YES for the school levy!).

Even with all the craziness, we've been having a great time! We've spent every weekend hiking. The past two weekends, we just beat the rain. Well, last weekend we actually ended up eating lunch in the rain, but it held off through the hike! All of our new hiking boots have been put to great use!

Autumn wouldn't be autumn without many, many fall activities. We've hit several, but the best was this past weekend when we went on our annual trip to Pinecrest Farms. This was either our 5th or 6th year going with friends. In all those years, this was by far the nicest weather we've had! It was a sunny 75! We went on a hay ride, picked pumpkins, went through the hay maze and played in the soybean box!

Aside from all the outdoor stuff we've been doing, I've been doing a few crafts. I think our Halloween door hanging turned out pretty cute. My list of things I want to get done this fall is growing and my time is getting shorter. I'm just hoping I can make it to the end of October without completely burning out!