Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through, we didn't have a dog.Alan: What?Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch... I made ya lunch!

Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.Alan: What did you think?Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer

Jake: Dad?Alan: Yeah?Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?Alan: Right.Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you

Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.Charlie: Well, I don't agree.Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites

Follow Two and a Half Men

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.