Nightmare on Lame Street

"F" you Michael Bay... When will the people have finally had enough of you? An established franchise, an established story, a roadmap of success already forged and budget the size of Fort Knox and this is all you can give us? A collection of Calvin Klein models prancing around onscreen worried about falling asleep all the while inducing sleep in the audience... I'm a Jackie Earl Haley fan and even he could help this turd one bit. Glad he got paid, but Michael Bay should get shot (again)..
Save your money...

I don't know what you guys are saying, I loved that movie. Had the horror and shock scenes like a horror movie suppose to have, sure the acting suck but in my opinion, this Freddy is MUCH more demented and evil as the original.

I don't know what you guys are saying, I loved that movie. Had the horror and shock scenes like a horror movie suppose to have, sure the acting suck but in my opinion, this Freddy is MUCH more demented and evil as the original.

Really? The original was goofy but fun. Freddie had a bunch of tricks up his sleeve and had personality.. This version was a sham - a formulaic crapfest that stripped the fun stuff away from the original and left a boring carcass of a horror film. The only horror and shock was the ticket price. :gag:

During my five-year tenure as one of Rue Morgue Radio's resident 'Caustic Critics', I've suffered many an ignominious insult to this beloved genre in the hopes that you won't have to! So after such devoted, altruistic, self-immolation, I think I've earned the right to ask my fellow horror enthusiasts for a solid, right?

Well, allow me to cash in right now.

Earlier this week, I checked out the remake of Wes Craven's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, produced by Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes company, the same low-level fiends responsible for many of the worst horror remakes we've endured in recent years (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday 13th...etc.)

So it should come as no surprise that the remake absolutely sucks. Given the history of Platinum Dunes and their long list of cinematic atrocities, it was practically a given. Although, I think this one managed to sink the knife in a little deeper.

Where to begin? First of all, there's been a lot of tiresome speculation about whether or not Jackie Earle Haley could pull off the role made famous by Robert Englund. I have one thing to say to that: who gives us ? That's the least of the film's problems. For the record, Haley was fine. He's not the issue.

Secondly, I'm not gonna rail against the injustice of this being yet another remake of a classic title...blah blah blah. Of course, there's no real 'artistic' justification for the flick but the film business is a tricky mistress and the remake has proven to be a successful business model. So I'm willing to cut these arseholes some slack on that front.

Alright, so we get the economics. We get the math. But I have to ask the filmmakers, why does the quality of the flick itself have to be an afterthought? Actually, that! In this case, the quality of the flick itself wasn't even a consideration!

The original NIGHTMARE proceeds from a wonderful concept that sustained multiple sequels. I mean, a killer who gets you in your dreams? The possibilities are endless. But this incarnation is nothing more than a 'Rich Little-esque' fumbling impersonation of its predecessor. All the set pieces are plucked from the original albeit executed in a manner that fully underwhelms. And beyond Haley, most of the performances are truly dreadful, the writing is an embarrassment and stylistically, it's almost completely devoid of impact. It's never tense, it's never scary, it's never dreamy. Instead, it's wooden, lifeless, boring and I honestly couldn't find a shred of imagination on display anywhere at any point at any time.

So why not? Seriously? Given the financial safety net of the remake model, you could've had just about any concoction of ineptitude unspool before the audience for 90 minutes and you're still guaranteed to make some dough. Rob Zombie has mathematically proven this to be true! So why not get a little creative with it? Or at least "try" to get creative with it.

You didn't come up with the story. Craven did that. You didn't come up with the set pieces. Again, Craven. So what the did you do, fellas? Honestly? I'll tell you what you did. You took a pay cheque and went to sleep.

You had the money, the resources and the power to let your macabre visions fly furious and wild. The marketing guys already did their job. Why didn't you do yours? They handed you a previously proven franchise. They handed you the bums on seats. And there we were, ready, willing and waiting to be terrorized by your dark imaginings. So why didn't you meet us half way?

You plundered pockets when you should've plundered nightmares!

But do you not care about your legacy? Do you not care about cinema? Do you think anyone who goes to the movies over the age of 25 is a total ing arsehole?

So listen up, Michael Bay. As far as I'm concerned, you're guilty of crimes against the imagination. You stood on the shoulders of a giant only to take a massive on top of its head! And I think it's high time the fans wake the up and stop being so easily entertained by your feeble efforts.

Now this is where we get to the favour in question.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you fans to boycott this movie. Despite my warnings, I know you can't help but subjects yourselves to the agony, you masochistic chones!

But if you must go, if you really MUST go, then please, for the love of all that is sacred, don't ing pay! Buy a ticket for something else, anything else and then sneak in if you truly insist on wrecking your retinas on this piece of . Even if you grab a ticket for the new Jennifer Lopez flick, I don't give a . I just can't stand the thought of these criminals stealing your dough. I just can't stand the thought of these criminals making enough dough to justify even more crimes against the imagination.

And to my friends in the genre press who help dictate what constitutes 'good taste' in horror, do me a favour too! Stop celebrating such wankery! And stop being so ing polite with this crap! Don't think you don't play a role in this. There's no need to make excuses for dick-brains like Michael Bay. Tell the truth. Call a spade a spade. Ask the hard questions. Inform the public!

And a final warning to Michael Bay!

Watch out! We got your number. Uwe Boll's not your only enemy. Keep ripping us off and we'll rob you blind in return! Even though it's a lamentable waste of bandwidth, we're more than happy to illegally download ALL your crap (even your godawful robot porn movies, you arsehole!) And if we choose to subject ourselves to your crap in the theatres, we're gonna give our money to Jennifer Lopez instead! And we ing HATE Jennifer Lopez!

So try to remember - theatrically distributed narrative feature films are 50% commerce and 50% art. You got the commerce part right. But don't forget the 'art' part next time!

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