Second Test, day four, Headingley

England v South Africa - as it happened

It's a great look for Amla, no doubt about it. Photograph: Andrew Yates/AFP/Getty Images

Andy will be here very soon... like roundabout now in fact. Good morning all. How's things? Surprised to see the sun out now that you're back in the office and England have to bat two days for a draw?

Time to give it back to South Africa in spades, bat all day for less than 200 runs. They send one of your guys into a nap, you put one of theirs to sleep. England want to make AB de Villiers think that, by comparison to this, the Jeffrey Archer book he was reading at Lord's was the more thrilling then he could possibly imagine.

Cook and Bell, Bell and Cook. While his runs would be welcome enough you wouldn't say this is a day for KP. It is tailor-cut for Cook though, and maybe I just slept on it badly but the way my knee is aching this morning tells me that he's due a monumental innings. He was in superb form till he was sawn-off in the first innings. Cook of course, has scored seven Test centuries, but he's never passed 127. Come on Cook, show us your leave. Again and again and again.

It's a question of getting your head straight for the challenges ahead, as Dominic suggests: "So England are facing a Monday morning looking at a long tough week ahead, i find myself in a similar position what kind of sport pyschobabble do folk recommend to get you up, motivated to stay focussed and concentrated for the days ahead? Am using the carrot method of the Spiegel tent opening Friday night in Edinburgh, outdoor drinking in the sun should work for fredalo..."

Myself, I prefer to make like Sam Allardyce and lay it on real thick with a little help from Al.

I listen to that every morning. Very loud. I've been working on an animatronic Pacino doll for a while, so he can shout and rave at me every morning. Got myself into a terrible tangle with sticky back plastic. So far he says "hoo-hah" and not much else.

An example to us all this, with around six weeks to go till he sets off Rob Smyth hasn't given up all hope of completing his 10k run yet. Sponsor him today: it's for the Laurie Engel Trust, which is a fine cause. If you've read a Wisden in the last twenty years you owe the Engel family more than you know, so please make a donation: "I am currently panting my way towards something resembling fitness in preparation for a 10-mile run in support of the Laurie Engel Fund. Or, as Smyth would have it: This is where you can contribute the pounds you are only going to fritter away on pints of Liver Compromiser; this is why we're doing it; and this is where those based in London can contact me if they want to run/walk/stagger with us on August 31. And, most of all, my most sincere thanks to those who have already sponsored us. That last sentence can't help but not sound sincere, but it is."

And here comes Jimmy Anderson, with another opportunity to show why he's England's most improved player of the year. How long can Jimmy last? Anyone fancy a quick bet? I'm saying he'll make it through 35 minutes. If I'm wrong, and he goes before then, I'll bung ten pounds into Smyth's charity donations page.

25th over: England 50-2 (Cook 23 Anderson 0)Come on Jimmy. Oh. My wallet is almost shorn a picture of Charles Darwin straight away as South Africa appeal for a caught behind after Anderson wafts at the second ball of the day. Ntini switches to around the wicket, and has Anderson groping at the ball like a child fingering a penny sweet. "What a coup if we can get a wicket early eh boys?" shouts Boucher, his tongue presumably halfway into his cheek. A maiden.

26th over: England 52-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 0)And at the other end, England's main problem - Morne Morkel. Cook leaves well alone once, twice, three times. That's the stuff lad. He punches the next to mid-off for a single and Jimmy then nudges a leg bye away for another. South Africa's lead is 267.

27th over: England 54-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)"I've been abroad for 2 weeks," not me, Tom Walling, "so missed everything so far. Who's Pattinson?" he's the answer to the quiz question: who made their England debut at the age of 29 after just 11 first class games and was never picked again? Also known as 'that bloke at fine leg' Tom, "And why are you suddenly mindlessly optimistic, Mr Bull? You know we won't survive the day and will be 1-0 down shortly after tea." Yup. Mindless optimism is the way forward for this morning at least. This series has too many twists to come, and after South Africa winning four day's play in a row, I think it's time for England to remind everybody how little there is between these two teams. Cook and Bell have both been in sure touch so far this summer, and the South African attack has failed to be as terrifying as we feared it might be, so... Anderson miscues his first run, bravely shielding Cook from strike for the next over.

28th over: England 55-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)"I went to Headingley on Saturday," writes James Kirk, "and two of the guys sat in front of me who were there for the day, had also been to Lords on the Sunday. So they'd paid £100 for two days of cricket, watched SA score about 450 runs and seen England take two wickets (one of which from Pattinson so probably doesn't count). Surely they should be able to claim some money back?" Jeez. Were they dressed as ravens? They sound like a jinx if ever I heard of one. If the selectors want someone to blame... around the wicket, over the wicket, Morkel is unable to ruffle Jimmy's feathers. Until he swings a ludicrous cover drive that gets nowhere near the ball that is. Somebody in the crowd wolf-whistles, Jimmy pulls away from the stumps coquettishly. Morkel whistles a bouncer over his head by way of reprimand.

29th over: England 56-2 (Cook 24 Anderson 1)"I'm with you on the Engel donation fund" writes James Smith, "I'll say 41 minutes for my tenner." Well, it's a curious betting system this, because of course if we're right then we're denying money to a worthwhile charity. But hey. I've another 13 minutes to go till my tenner is safe. Another no ball, another extra for England.

30th over: England 60-2 (Cook 27 Anderson 2)Five overs, six runs and a sterling start by England. "As I lay here in bed eagerly awaiting a big" [insert your own comedy titter at Owen Gartside's delightfully naive opening line here] "innings from Jimmy I was wondering what kind of bizarre torture device you spend your nights in if you can manage to sleep badly on your knee (preamble)? I can save you some astronomical physiotherapy fees by suggesting you just lie flat like the rest of us." Owen is from New Zealand, and therefore unfamiliar with the night time sado-masochistic shenanigans that are so obligatory for anyone who wants to make a success of living in Britain. Anderson squirts a single through cover, and Cook eases three more out to long-off, the flat-footed Paul Harris just scooping the ball back into play before it crossed the rope.

31st over: England 62-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 2)"If Jimmy doesn't get more than Cook in this innings, I'll donate a tenner. Anyone else fancy taking this one?" suggests Oliver Gaywood, oh so bravely. Two more runs from Cook at the end of the over, meaning he has as many from one ball as Jimmy has from 28.

32nd over: England 64-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 4)Right, this is the over spanning the 35th minute, and Smith is clearly desperate to part me from my cash as he's brought on Kallis. Six balls Jimmy, six balls. He plays the first. Misses by a yard. Terrible shot. He leaves the next, and slides his tongue around the corner of his mouth contemplatively. Oh it's so easy for the lad, he taps two runs down to third man. And that's the over, and that's, umm, ten pounds that aren't going to charity.

33rd over: England 70-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 9)Well then, unless I'm going to end up looking very Scroogish indeed, it may be time to take another bet. I'll go with gut feeling: £50 to Smyth's charity says that Cook will score his Test best today. There's one more, dropped off the hip to backward square. A long email here, from Darren Kilfara on That Bloke: "…am I the only one who thinks Pattinson's selection was mostly political? The selectors had to know this would be a one-off pick, as Sidebottom will be fit for the third test; to pick any of the serious candidates would appear to favour one of them as next in the queue. Plus, if one of those guys takes 10 wickets in the match, you can't really drop him for the next match. So they pick the guy who they think might do a job one a one-off basis but who is easily droppable for the next game no matter how well he performs. The theory is as plausible as anything else I've seen suggested." Mmm, I see your point but for me that's just too cynical, and 0-0 in a four match series I don't see the selectors doing anything other than trying to pick a winning team. It used to be common, remember, for players to get picked for one-off games (the dreaded cliche 'horses for courses') it's just that Duncan Fletcher never did it, so it seems unfamiliar. Anderson knocks away a single, and then picks up another four in overthrows as the ball hurtles away past the stumps to the boundary.

34th over: England 76-2 (Cook 29 Anderson 15)Ohoh! Kallis drifts wide and Anderson slashes a rather fine cut shot past point for four. Kallis replies with an off cutter, rolling his fingers over the ball, and Jimmy pops up on his toes and taps two more to mid-wicket. Suddenly Oliver Gaywood's bet is looking slightly bolder.

35th over: England 81-2 (Cook 34 Anderson 16)A very sparse crowd at Headingley today, sadly. "I was on the Western Terrace yesterday," writes Will Davies, "and witnessed the most ingenious form of crowd control ever. Signs are put up, asking people NOT to stack their beer cups, which immediately gives the assorted Rambos, super-heroes and transvestites the idea of creating vast 'beer snakes', thereby neatly piling up all of their alcohol-related litter for collection by stewards. Anyone wanting to incite real anarchy on the Western Terrace next year should come dressed as 'Headingley Steward'." Actually that's a fine idea for a costume. Anderson sprints a single, beating a throw from Hashim Amla, resplendent today in white sunglasses and floppy hat. Another quick single.

36th over: England 82-2 (Cook 34 Anderson 16)"How about giving a pound for every run Anderson scores?" suggests John Stonestreet. Indeed John, how about it? I've fifty pounds riding on Cook getting more than 127 at the moment... another run to Cook, wafted away off his knees.

37th over: England 84-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 16)Smith turns to Steyn for the first time. "Genius wheeze from MPV getting himself out last night so that he can concentrate on motivating the side in the dressing room" observes Charlie Sheldrick. Quite. I imagine he realises he might have important work to do telling his players whether or not catches have carried and exhorting them to go back to the middle despite the fact they've just been given out. Fast becoming one of the most crucial jobs in cricket that. Two more runs for Cook. A loud appeal from Steyn for caught behind, which he strangles out of his throat as he realises none of his teammates have joined him in his howzat.

38th over: England 85-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 17)Paul Harris comes into the attack. And in a very strange way I kind of fear this guy. just because English commentators have been so startlingly dismissive of the man, despite the fact his record isn't too shabby at all. This kind of reached a nadir when Boycott apologised to Harris's family for the fact that he just had to slate him while commentating on South African radio (I'd be queuing up for a bit of that!) It was stupendously hubristic. Anderson sweeps a single away. Cook prefers to use his pads.

39th over: England 87-2 (Cook 37 Anderson 19)"Further to the suggestion of sporting stewards outfits next year. I was there on Saturday, and we will be sporting green Asda t-shirts so we can be part of the most scintillating cricket of the day, during the lunch interval" quips Nick Fay. Steyn sends a bouncer hurtling over Anderson's head, then cuts him in two with a good length from around the wicket. Reel your head in Jimmy, another five runs and you'll have outscored your skipper. There are two of them, punched past mid-off.

40th over: England 88-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 19)Harris continues, over the wicket into the rough. Cook leans back and flicks a single out to the off. "Speaking of betting" opens Simon Rhoades, "who would have put money on the fact that at this stage of the series the only member of the SA top six NOT to have scored a century would be Jacques Kallis? Not I. Fat bugger hasn't even made 50. Still, he did knock over in-form Ian Bell in the first innings, so I shouldn't be too hard on the tubby, pie-guzzling trundler." Could Kallis actually be the least popular cricketer in the game? "There's the danger ball" says Nasser, as Harris displays another of his variations on the one that goes straight on without turning at all.

41st over: England 88-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 19)"In the interests of transparency, does your payout hinge on Cook gettingmore than 127 today, or would a slow knock to 120* overnight allow thepossibility of your donation coming good tomorrow? we should be told." Fair point Josh Robinson. God forbid people should think I'm some kind of ham-fisted bungler. Cook just has to pass 127, whether he does it today or not. A maiden over this, but an unthreatening one at that.

42nd over: England 89-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 20)Again Anderson dinks a single off the first ball and leaves Cook to block out the rest of Harris's over. "Re: Will Davies' beer snake comment, this proved to be the main source of entertainment for Saturday's crowd - and provoked a discussion on the journey home about quite why they are so strictly prohibited (chances of injury surely very slight, apart from the steward who stacked in over the seats in front of us whilst trying to intercept a fledgling 'snake'." Yeah, Dan Blackwell, isn't it more that they're half full with beer dregs and backwash, and tend to burst open spilling putrid alcoholic filth on all unfortunate to be beneath them? anyway: "The sight of a grown man in a lobster outfit with a stack of empty plastic pint pots being chased by stewards was infinitely more interesting that watching Kevin Pietersen chuck a few slow deliveries down on a pitch which wasn't turning to two batsmen who were set fair for the day." True that I suppose.

43rd over: England 89-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 20)"I feel this will be the day when James Anderson 'does a Gillespie' and score a double hundred, mostly off edges" muses Gareth Strachan, "What will this mean? Well, apart from getting us to the point of saving the game only for us to fluff it in defeat right at the end, Andrew Flintoff will subsequently be given the nightwatchman role as a player "who can bat a bit". After all, a certain moustachioed, Weetabix-snaffling wicket-keeper was England's nightwatchman/number 7 par excellence back in the day. Let's return to those glory days." What by recalling Jack Russell? Isn't he working as a goalkeeping coach for Forest Green Rovers these days? Still Bob Taylor made an England comeback after he was called up to keep wicket from the press box, aged 45.

44th over: England 99-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 29)Jack Russell, by the way, recently came out with this priceless quote about why he took up painting: "I thought, if Rembrandt could do it why can't I?" Indeed. Oh, oh, oh, how good is that? Anderson takes two boundaries in two balls off Harris, both of them have Gower in something approaching raptures: the first was off the back foot, the second off the front both sped through the covers. he knocks one off the last ball and that takes him to his highest ever Test score. Did anyone take that bet on giving a pound for every run he scores? Unlucky.

45th over: England 99-2 (Cook 38 Anderson 29)"I don't want to be overly-emotive, but I think I might cry if Jimmy gets a 50 today", Ed Crothall there, a man who I sense might be afflicted by issues in areas of his life other than the cricket. Anderson pauses play after wearing Steyn's last ball on his top-hand. He pops a painkiller and takes a swig of water. Jeez! That's terrible: Play starts and Anderson wears the next not on his hand but his head, he crumples to turf, that's ugly, really ugly. Fiercely tough cricket this. Anderson ducked but the ball homed in on his face grill, landing on the edge of his cheek. Horrible. He's up, at last, getting a check over from the physio. A long stoppage follows. Anderson takes a new helmet, and it looks as though he's staying out there. True grit. What a summer he's having. You can just imagine a Wonder Years 'coming of age' voiceover playing over the highlights reel. Jimmy gets a loud round of applause from the sparse crowd. What next from Steyn? A length ball, which Anderson blocks. That's tough cricket, really tough cricket.

46th over: England 105-2 (Cook 43 Anderson 30)I wonder if Cook feels a little guilty for the fact that at the other end, he's facing Paul Harris. He turns the first ball away for two runs, raising the fifty partnership. "Anderson should have retired hurt" writes Ben Shepherd, "he's done his job as night watchman and done it well. He can go off and return - if needed! - in his normal batting position. That said, how much respect is he due for getting in behind the next one?" An awful lot, I'd say, not least because of the example he's just set to his teammates. Cook knocks three runs away to leg, and Anderson just pushes a run to backward square.

WICKET! Anderson 34 lbw Steyn (47th over: England 119-3 (Cook 44 Pietersen 9)"I have stupidly decided that I can't go for a wee until Jimmy getsout..." writes Stephen Gagola, "My how I regret the four cups of water I have drank since play began." D'oh. Jimmy flings a cut shot at Steyn. This is magnificent, really brilliant Test cricket. Steyn drops short again, Anderson stands tall and guides the ball past the slips through third man for four! He's going to overtake Cook at this rate. Watch out for the yorker Jimmy... oh and there it is! Too predictable, but also too unplayable: full, inswinging and out. A great innings by Anderson, and he's earned the standing ovation which is accompanying him off the ground. Right, the innings begins in earnest: KP steps across and flicks the first ball behind square on the leg side for four. And the next is four more! Eight from two balls. "Hello boys" KP seems to be saying, "it's me again". Glorious shot that last one, driven through long-off.

WICKET! Pietersen 13 c Boucher b Kallis (48th over: England 123-4 (Cook 44 Bell 0)Thomas Hooper was just two minutes too late with this superb email: "Based on your Over 45 text I'm picturing Jimmy Anderson as a Daniel LaRusso character defiantly struggling on, while Graeme Smith assumes the role of the bad sensei from the Cobra Kai: "Sweep the leg"." YES. Kallis is on, and KP, who took a single at the end of the last over, flashes his first ball for four past point with astonishing style. The cojones on this kid! I tell you, that's 13 runs from his first four balls. And he's out next ball! Oh Kevin! What a ridiculous innings. Two wickets in two overs and England are unraveling before the lunch break. A good ball, on off stump with a little shape towards slips, and KP just feathered it through to Boucher. This partnership here is what will decide the game. Bell and Cook: two men who can bat time. "England should send in Ambrose as the lunchwatchman" jokes Tim Saintly, "If Cook takes the strike, he could make it that far".

49th over: England 130-4 (Cook 46 Bell 1)Like I said at the start of play, it was never going to be a day for KP, but still, as Ross Moulden writes: "What must Jimmy be thinking now? He's battled hard all morning, survived for over an hour and a half, been hit on the wrist and the helmet, to help his team try and save the game. Then KP comes in, smacks a few boundaries, and is out in five balls!" Last over of a fascinating session this. Bell tickles a run to fine leg. "Since when did bowlers bowl bouncers to other bowlers?" grumbles Jim Carpenter, "Didn't there used to be an understanding, a brotherhood of hopeless batting if you like?" Yeah, this was just hard cricket: Jimmy was batting at no4 and was 30 not out afterall, but still you're right to say: "If we get to see Steyn bat again this series (which looks unlikely), hopefully they can rough him up with some proper short stuff." I'm sure we will. Four leg byes finish the session.

What an enjoyable session, and what a day this is shaping up to be. England though, are running out of lives. 30 minutes to fill our bellies then I'll be back for the afternoon session. See you shortly.

LUNCH

David Horn gets in the first email of the session: "it's OK, don't forget the adhesive qualities of Collingwood at number 6. He'll graft it out. What? Oh." Mmm, whatever happens, the selectors got it badly wrong for this match. As a certain OBO writer said at Lord's: they'd shown they could do consistency, but next they'd have the far harder task of showing they can change a winning team.

"Surely" chortles Peter Davies, "the greatest English lunchwatchman has to be Mike Gatting? Never took his eye off it."

50th over: England 131-4 (Cook 46 Bell 1)Kallis to start after Lunch, over the wicket to Cook from the Football Stand End. The word of the day in the Sky press box is "reverse, as it's been so often over the last three years. We're not at the outright "it's reversing" stage yet, but expect someone to talk about there being the "merest hint" sometime soon. The merest hint of reverse from Kallis, here, boom boom, Cook playing the ball away to leg for one. "Just so there's no finger pointing or false accusations" writes Oliver Gaywood, "I've paid up. I hope everyone else making stupid bets today also intend to lighten their wallet at the end of the day." Good man. Any defaulters will be ritually flogged.

51st over: England 136-4 (Cook 50 Bell 1)Morne Morkel down the slope. Bright blue skies at Headingley, mottled with cotton wool clouds. Cook brings up his 12th Test fifty with a dainty cut that passes cover and goes for four. "Based on Pattinson's call up who do we reckon could be in the next test?" wonders Charlie Sheldrick:

"Robbie Keight (Cheriton Fitzpaine CC, currently rock bottom of North Devon League Div 3) took his 750th career wicket on Sunday with slow trundlers that turn like milk (takes 2 days and when it does it stinks). He is 40, does not take the new ball and quite enjoys standing at fine leg. He would fit well in to the England set up as he is used to playing for a side that can't beat anyone at the moment either. Anyone got Geoff Miller's email? Oops, sorry, I forgot, he learnt his cricket in England and is therefore at the back of the queue."

52nd over: England 137-4 (Cook 50 Bell 2)"Crikey" exclaims Ranil Dissanyake, "England cricket fans can be quite one-eyed - does Jim Carpenter (Over 49) complain when Anderson does the same thing, as he does regularly? If he thinks it's acceptable to bounce Chris Martin coming in at number 11, then he can expect to get his skull rattled in return." A fair point indeed, but an even fairer pay-off: "Also, can you please tell Jim to stop making sequels to Halloween? 1 and 2 are great - but the rest are all rubbish." Bell gracefully turns his body towards leg and pushes a run out to the deep.

53rd over: England 140-4 (Cook 50 Bell 4)Steep bounce from Morkel, undone by the fact he overstepped. "I get the justgiving notifications to my email so this is a warning:" writes Alex Netherton, another of the charity runners, "If you don't pay up, there's NOTHING I can do about it." Except send a bruising email. By the by someone asked why I wasn't joining Smyth and Alex in their run. The answer? Twenty a day. Bell takes two runs to mid-wicket.

54th over: England 140-4 (Cook 50 Bell 4)"I think the selectors have done rather a good job of changing a winning team" emails Tom Hopkins, "They've changed it to something quite markedly different from a winning team." Kallis works his way through a tricky maiden over, moving the ball a little off the pitch, varying his length from around the wicket. Cook has nothing to do with any of it.

WICKET! Bell 4 c de Villiers b Morkel (55th over: England 140-5 (Cook 50)"Was that last email on who will get a call up from Charlie Sheldrick or a hopeful (but woefully short of imagination on the pseudonym front) Charlie Schreck?" wonders Ed Banister. Morkel beats Bell once, and he's gone. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. That's an extraordinary piece of fielding by de Villiers in the gully. Worthy of a wicket but nonetheless dispiriting for it. Bell didn't do much wrong there, he really didn't. And that catch may just have won the day, and the match, for the South Africans. No doubt he caught that one. Bell cut hard, de Villiers dived and took the ball low down in his left hand.

56th over: England 144-5 (Cook 55 Ambrose 0)Ambrose comes in, and the decision to leave out Collingwood is never going to look as stupid as it will in an hour from now, I'd wager. Cook explodes into life, pulling hard through mid-wicket for four.

57th over: England 146-5 (Cook 56 Ambrose 0)"I'll give £5, yes £5 for every insult readers can send in about Andrew Carrick, up to a maximum of £50" writes Josh Hardie, "You don't need to know him, just to know he will benefit from this as much as the charity. It's win-win." Sounds like a riff to me. England trail by 174. Bowden has a word, but doesn't issue a warning, to Morkel about following through onto the pitch. Come on Billy, do England a favour and make it official.

58th over: England 150-5 (Cook 60 Ambrose 0)Again Cook waits a while for a bad ball, and when it comes he slots it through cover for four.

59th over: England 152-5 (Cook 60 Ambrose 0)Rather bafflingly, Ted Baxter suggests: "England need someone like Geoff Boycott or captain Oates." Hold on, surely captain Oates would just walk out of the dressing room and not come back? Isn't he actually a bit of a bottler? I mean, the sporting equivalent of captain Oates would be Sol Campbell or Roberto Duran wouldn't it? "I'm just going out for a walk, I may be some time" 'Hold on, Oatsey! You're next in! Turns to teammate Where's he gone?' Don't know, he always does this. Strange chap. Two no balls from Morkel, who is having a lot of trouble with his run-up today. "What about £5 for every insult people can send in about Andrew Caddick? Much more fun" suggests Oli Cunningham.

WICKET! Cook 60 c Amla b Kallis (60th over: England 152-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 0)I remember sitting outside the Taunton dressing room with a colleague on the West Country cricket circuit, Richard Latham. Caddick stepped out of the pavilion, slipped and dropped his phone into the pint glass of fruit squash he was holding in the other hand. "Still with Orange then, Caddy?" Richard deadpanned with immaculate timing. Caddick didn't speak to him for weeks. Ah, in the meantime, it's all over for England and I owe charity £50. Balls. Ah well. The games done now, England are as good as 1-0 down. Cook, aiming through mid-wicket, was a little early and screwed a leading edge to cover where Amla took a catch high above his head. Oh, England.

61st over: England 152-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 0)"In response to Ranil," writes Mr Jim Carpenter, "I think that roughing up Chris Martin is perfectly acceptable – the new Coldplay LP is very poor. BOOM BOOM. And by the way, it's JOHN Carpenter who made Halloween. Although you're right – the sequels are rubbish." Hey man. I control the boom booms round here.

61st over: England 153-6 (Ambrose 0 Flintoff 1)"Why lament the absence of Colly?" grumbles Gary Naylor, who has been sore-headed right through this match, "He has never made a second innings fifty in a match that England have saved." 1) We're making a direct comparison with Tim Ambrose over their respective merits at no6 2) you've added too many caveats 3) 80 from 196 balls at Lahore 2005 as England lost by an innings 4) 96 from 155 balls at Brisbane in the first Ashes Test as England lost by 277 runs. Not that I'm playing devil's advocate or anything.

63rd over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Ambrose gets his first run with a single past extra cover. "There's the story that a Caribbean journalist teased Caddick him in print for the size of his lugholes" writes Dom O'Reilly, "Caddick demanded an apology and got it. The apology ran, "I am very sorry Andy Caddick has big ears."

64th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)At the moment, Anderson is England's second highest scorer for the innings. Frankly, that's a pathetic reflection on the top six, who should all be feeling deeply uneasy that their no9 has shown more application and ability in adversity than the rest of them.

65th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Ntini tosses some more filth down the leg side. England should be grateful that the South Africans are keeping Nel out of the team for a guy who is in such poor form.

66th over: England 156-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Kallis takes a spell and Steyn is on. "Only Flintoff's beard stands between South Africa and victory now" comments Keith Flett, lost somewhere in world of his own. A maiden, Flintoff picking out the fielders as he pushes and flicks the ball around.

67th over: England 157-6 (Ambrose 1 Flintoff 2)Imagine if somebody tried to write an On Second Thoughts on Martin McCague. How funny would that be? Hilarious. Aahahahahahahahahahahahaha. What? WHAT? Oh. Go on, go and have a look at what Smyth left on the carpet. I'm hoping it'll be the most ludicrous On Second Thoughts I've read since I came across this unofficial one in defence of Idi Amin.

68th over: England 157-6 (Ambrose 2 Flintoff 2)Another maiden, these two have put on five runs from 54 balls. It'd make Boycott blush.

69th over: England 158-6 (Ambrose 3 Flintoff 2)Emails like this from Simon Richards are the best thing about the OBO. And god that makes me sad. "…whilst on holiday in Barbados (late 90s?), I was fortunate enough to be joined on the beach by some members of the touring England cricket team. Caddick hired a jet ski and was enjoying himself on it so much, that when he was called back in he tormented the owner by driving back to the shore and then speeding off again – on one occasion with his trunks around his ankles." Flintoff stoutly blocks out another over from Ntini.

70th over: England 158-6 (Ambrose 3 Flintoff 2)Paul Harris is on. Anyone want to stake a charity donation that Fred is immediately going to be caught at cover? OK, I should just point out that yes, I want Nel to be in the team because he's utterly ludicrous.

71st over: England 161-6 (Ambrose 4 Flintoff 4)Twenty minutes till tea, and we've had all of six runs in the last 21 overs. As David Cotton correctly points out: "Andre Nel cannot replace Ntini without the express permission of the South African Sports Minister. The Daily Mail and Telegraph are already investigating whether the Brown Government picked this England team." A positive run spree here, as the batsmen swap singles.

73rd over: England 168-6 (Ambrose 8 Flintoff 7)Steyn continues, and Ambrose drives three out to extra cover. Inspired into action, Flintoff lifts a drive past point for three of his own from the toe end of the bat. And that is a fine shot, Ambrose thrusting up onto his tiptoes and hooking the ball to long leg with a marvelous flourish.

74th over: England 171-6 (Ambrose 8 Flintoff 7)"I vividly recall the days of Caddick staring down at the batsmen trying to look hard as he had just gifted them 4 leg-byes" muses a wistful Alex Walsh, "It didn't quite carry the same menace as Donald or Walsh laughing at an England batsman after yet another waft at a 90mph delivery. Caddick ended up looking like a slightly disapproving bank manager faced with a student who had gone £10 overdrawn". Harris plies more of his disgusting slow left arm, and bags another maiden over.

76th over: England 176-6 (Ambrose 12 Flintoff 8)Harris muddles through another. "Are these two looking to bat until Tuesday evening? Surely they'll die from repetitive shot injury if they try to block through til then... because they certainly won't score enough runs to make South Africa bat again." Don't knock it Sam Hedges, it beats tossing their wickets away, and Ambrose is all but playing for his place.

77th over: England 182-6 (Ambrose 16 Flintoff 9)This should be the last over of the session, so to fill up the space and save me from any extra typing, here's a slightly mundane anecdote from Jack Street: "Myself and a few mates spotted KP and Strauss going into Nandos in Leeds on Saturday night, just as we were coming out of the place. I ventured a quick "evening gents", which Strauss responded to with a grin and an "evening mate", but KP completely blanked me. I then asked KP if it had been a hard day in the field - probably not the best line to lead with, but hey I'm no Norman Mailer - and he totally blanked me again. If he'd have shown the same sort of indifference to that delivery before lunch we'd probably bealright at the moment." Another nice shot from Ambrose, pulling four through mid-wicket for four. And that makes it tea time.

Well a slow session, and it's difficult to think that the lull was anything other than the South Africans easing off in the knowledge that they broke the back of the match by taking Bell and Cook in such short succession. Still Ambrose and Flintoff are still going... anyway, we'll see how it unfolds in twenty minutes.

TEA

40 overs to go today and you'd have to say it'd be a surprise if England get through them. They are 137 runs behind.

On top of which of course the new ball is due in three overs. Oh dear. And of course South Africa can claim an extra half hour at the end of play if they're sniffing a result. Oh dear oh dear.

78th over: England 184-6 (Ambrose 16 Flintoff 11)Harris opens after Tea, and something has made Flintoff's mind up for him: he steps down the pitch and lofts a towering drive up and over mid-off, the ball plugging down into the outfield rather than sailing over the rope. The next ball is a jaffa. Yes really, a jaffa from Harris.

79th over: England 186-6 (Ambrose 18 Flintoff 11)"Nando's: clearly the cricketers' dinner venue of choice" points out Charlie Talbot, "Ntini was in there earlier in the evening, he smiled at our stag-party group waving at him through the window until Philip "Tintin" Trotter yelled some frankly slanderous allegations and we went for a Thai curry instead." What did that nice Mr Ntini ever do to you? Kallis is on now, couldn't you have saved some abuse for him? There's Ambrose's cut again, fetching him two runs in front of point.

80th over: England 186-6 (Ambrose 18 Flintoff 11)"Are you not being a bit unfair on Ali Cook with your caption 'Alastair Cook: time for a career-defining innings? No, no apparently not.'?" suggests Richard Moore, "Who's to say this type of innings won't define his career; look comfortable, watch the rest of the team fall apart around him, get out when you should be looking to get a big score. After all Stephen Fleming made a career out of it." Another maiden from Harris.

81st over: England 190-6 (Ambrose 22 Flintoff 11)And here's Steyn with the new ball. This should be interesting. More interesting than watching Harris bowl maidens anyway. Four poor balls are followed by an absolute gem. Such seems to be the way with Steyn, who is nothing like as consistently effective as I'd imagined he'd be. Ambrose snicks the sixth ball past the slips and away for four.

82nd over: England 195-6 (Ambrose 26 Flintoff 12)Ntini get to share the new ball. Let's see how Flintoff is going to play this. He takes one, and then as Ntini pitches up a leg stump half volley which Ambrose flicks through backward square. "I have to say," writes Peter Davies, "I'm with KP on this one, Jack Street does sound like a natural snubbee." Some people would say the same thing about Norman Mailer of course.

83rd over: England 201-6 (Ambrose 26 Flintoff 18)"Pah! Jack Street claims to have seen Strauss and KP in Nando's - having been in Leeds on Saturday eve, I don't believe it" moans James Mansfield, "They were far more likely to have been coming out of a branch of popular bakers and purveyor of iced buns, Greggs. Why? Not only would they have been tipped off by Mike Gatting as to the quality of sausage rolls, but the fact that Leeds city centre has seven (yes I counted them) branches of Greggs means that KP and Straussy would have been foolish to go elsewhere." Yeah almost as impressive as the nine branches of Bella Pasta in Birmingham that is. More runs for Flintoff, who steps away and drives off the backfoot for two. He follows up with four through the same place.

84th over: England 211-6 (Ambrose 32 Flintoff 18)These two raise their fifty partnership, from all of 146 balls. Ambrose steered two past point, and then sliced four more past gully, leaving Ntini holding his head in frustration. "Wouldn't we be better off with a Brontasuarus batting at no 8?" ponders the implausibly eccentric OBO minstrel Colin Wood.

86th over: England 220-6 (Ambrose 36 Flintoff 26)News travels fast: no sooner have I told tell a story about orange squash than Alan Moore has texted Richard Latham from Spain, and Richard Latham has emailed me: "Actually it was at Cheltenham, not Taunton, that Caddick dropped his phone into his drink, but never let the facts interfere, as they say," a man after my own heart, Richard, "I thought I sympathised! Maybe not." Well well, Flintoff has started to play some shots: he carts a pull through mid-wicket for four, and then bludgeoned four more the other way through cover. South Africa's lead is now 99.

WICKET! Ambrose c Boucher b Steyn (87th over: England 223-7 Flintoff 26 Broad 3)Never underestimate the ability of the bored OBO reader to take even the most ludicrous riff and run with it, here's Dave Whittam: "While a brontosaurus would make it difficult to hit the stumps, I fear that being slow and ponderous would make it ripe for lbw shouts. A T-rex would have difficulty lowering the bat far enough with its little arms to avoid the perils of a googly, so I'd have to plump for a velociraptor, quick on the single, and it would probably bite de Villiers' face off if he claimed to have caught it." Ahhh, dear, a valiant innings from Ambrose ends with a top edge that flies through to Boucher, who has now equaled the South African record of nine catches in the match. Broadp clips his first ball to fine leg for three.

88th over: England 224-7 (Flintoff 27 Broad 3)"What's Colin Wood talking about? I can't think of an extinct animal more likely to be bowled through the gate than a brontosaurus. You'd be far better off with a Stegosaurus - it already has the body armour." Yes, Owen Bailey, like I said, never underestimate... Morkel continues in the meantime, Flintoff taking a run from his final ball.

89th over: England 237-7 (Flintoff 38 Broad 5)Fred belts four through cover. "Love it" says Botham, who has been reveling in mutual recollections of his deeds here in '81 for the last hour or so. Making the comparison between that and this - which everyone seems to be doing - is a bit like being chipper at a funeral on the grounds that Jesus once came back from the dead. Except that that particular analogy equates Beefy with Christ, which makes me more than a little uncomfortable. Still. Fred and Broad swap singles, and Flintoff then stands up and thunders a straight drive for four through long-off. Steyn follows through with a yorker and a mouthful of abuse at Flintoff.

91st over: England 242-8 (Broad 9 Panesar 0)"I fear Dave Whittam has allowed Spielberg films to feed him faulty information about dinosaurs. The real life Velociraptor was in fact no bigger than a common chicken." To be fair Adam Breedan, that's hardly hindered Tim Ambrose, "The dinosaur most closely resembling the fearsome creatures depicted in Jurassic Park is the rather less famous "Utahraptor", though the fossil records are a bit light on information regarding their ability to play a forward defensive on a fourth day wicket."

92nd over: England 255-8 (Broad 17 Panesar 2)"There is no way any reasonable umpire could give a brontosaurus out lbw," points out Andrew Buddery, "its giant legs would be way too far forward. New meaning to the phrase 'getting a good stride in'. Of course, if we really wanted to pick a dinosaur, there's always Caddick..." Andrew helpfully adds his own "I'll get me coat". Broad thumps four past Ashwell Prince, standing static at backward point. He adds four more down the ground next ball. Those of you still wishing to make tenuous points about the fact there's a blond all rounder at the wicket and England are 65 behind with two wickets in hand and Botham and Headingley '81 blah blah blah still have an opportunity to do it.

93rd over: England 258-8 (Broad 18 Panesar 6)"Surely a brontasaurus (Colin Wood - over 84) would have a problem with being out "hit wicket" on a regular basis. Perhaps some ancient species of giant meerkat would be better - very upright stance, highly alert, wouldn't miss adjustments in the field placement etc." Andy Lloyd, this riff may have run out of steam I feel. Ronnie Irani certainly thinks so (many thanks to David Wallis for that outstanding spot).

94th over: England 265-8 (Broad 20 Panesar 10)Broad pushes two runs out to cover, takes a single and then watches slack jawed as Monty drives Morkel past point for four.

WICKET! Panesar 10 b Steyn 95th over: England 268-9 (Broad 20 Pattinson 0)Ah yeah, if you ever want to see the cricketing definition of 'out-classed', tune into the highlights and watch Monty play this delivery from Steyn. Here's Dee-Jay Pattinson then, enjoying the final moments of his illustrious international career. Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it? He knocks his first ball to mid-off for two.

96th over: England 276-9 (Broad 30 Pattinson 2)Lovely shot from Broad, glancing the ball past backward square for four. A little like putting cheek rouge on the corpse really. His next shot is even better, carting four through extra cover. If only he was as good a bowler as he were batsman...

97th over: England 283-9 (Broad 36 Pattinson 3)Pattinson, eking extra seconds out of his Test career, scrambles a single and then watches Broad flick four to long leg, and another two to fine leg. England now trail by 36.

98th over: England 285-9 (Broad 36 Pattinson 5)Crikey, this really is the fag end. Pattinson dallies - what else is he supposed to do? Just bowl a bloody yorker Kallis, you fool. England name their side for Edgbaston (and there are still tickets for the third Test, by the way) on Saturday. Any guesses? Pattinson belts two runs up over mid-off's head.

99th over: England 289-9 (Broad 40 Pattinson 5)Graeme Smith decides to rub salt into the wound and brings on Paul Harris. Oh God. Broad helps himself, taking a tasty two to long leg, and heaping a spoon of a couple through cover onto his plate as well. I'm sorry. It's been a long day.

102nd over: England 301-9 (Broad 52 Pattinson 5)Broad piles on more from the buffet, slapping Kallis away for four with a stylish pull shot. There were two men there, neither made the catch. He repeats the shot next ball, and this time Neil McKenzie makes the dive but still misses the ball, falling flat on the turf as the ball crosses the rope again. Next ball he punches through extra cover for two to raise his fifty from 41 balls. It's going to be tough to drop him, if that is what the selectors had in mind. Pattinson blocks the sixth ball and Kallis, severely annoyed by being on the receiving end of all this pongo, stomps off into the field.

103rd over: England 303-9 (Broad 58 Pattinson 5)England trail by 18 runs. An, ah, an innings. Ntini is on now. "So only Cook has outscored Broad for England in this Test match?" observes Jon Howard pithily, "Brilliant." There he goes again, forcing two runs off the back foot through the covers. Ntini almost bowls him with a yorker. Almost. Broad then flashes another boundary through long-off.

104th over: England 309-9 (Broad 58 Pattinson 5)More filth from Harris, who is still trying to solve the enigma of Pattinson. A contest for the ages this. Two leg byes are matched by a half-volley that misses the stumps by a foot or so. These two are so well matched.

105th over: England 318-9 (Broad 66 Pattinson 5)Broad batters four through mid-wicket, and becomes the innings top-scorer as he does so. England now trail by just six runs. How many runs does DJ Pattinson need to play with if he's to have a chance of a tenfer? I'm saying 25. Four more from Broad. This is just stupid. Great knock by him, and to be fair, by Pattinson too, who has contributed five to the fifty partnership.

106th over: England 326-9 (Broad 66 Pattinson 13)Well there you go - South Africa will have to bat again now. Ridiculous. It was Pattinson's blade that did it, he's coming out on top of this dual of mediocrity with Harris, slashing across the line and hitting four through cow corner. He fetches four more next ball with a very village slog sweep.

WICKET! Pattinson 13 b Morkel 107th over: England 327 (Broad 67 not out)Morne Morkel is on, as Smith desperately tries to wriggle a result out of this farce before everybody falls asleep. And, at last, he's done it. Pattinson is out, bowled through the gate, and England have a lead of eight. South Africa are up against it then.

With nine needed to win, here come Smith and McKenzie. Crikey I hope that Smith takes the first over: McKenzie could take an hour to get these.

1st over: South Africa 8-0 (McKenzie 5 Smith 3)Broad is taking the first over, presumably as a reward for his batting. Here you go son, have another dose of hard yakka. At least Smith is on strike. Smith knocks three out to the deep, cover point makes a feeble attempt to stop it, tumbling flat onto the turf and waving a hand in the vague direction of the ball as he ushers it on by. McKenzie pulls four, a single makes the scores level.

2nd over: South Africa 9-0 (McKenzie 5 Smith 3)Pattinson gets to make a final farewell then, he's all of one run to play with here. The South Africans take a quick single from his first ball, and it's all over.