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Still Suffering After 2 Years

I had a miscarriage back in April of 2010, in September of the same year I found myself pregnant with my daughter. Now, almost 2 years later, I find that there are still times that I think about the baby that I lost (I was only 2 months pregnant at the time) and even though it's highly improbable, if not impossible, there are also times that I wonder if maybe my daughter is in fact that baby. Maybe the emotions regarding the miscarriage just overwhelm me to make me wonder that. is there any one else who has suffered emotions like this so long after a loss?

I am very sorry that you are still suffering after your loss. I have known other women who had miscarriages and some - many years later - still grieve the loss of their little angels. It's not something you will ever forget but hopefully over time your pain will become less and less.

I will share something with you that I honestly have only told a few people but I think it relates to how you feel about your daughter. I was about 7 weeks pregnant and my husband and I had an early pregnancy class that we went to. While there I told the nurse running the class about a "pulling" I was experiencing. She recommended that I call my doctor, so I did and they scheduled an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. The night after the class I had a dream.

In it I was at the doctor's office. A nurse said she needed to take the baby but we could put back at a later time. I said "Okay" and I told the little fetus (It looked just like those VERY early pictures you see of fetuses) it was going to be fine. The nurse would put it back when the time was right, but now was not the time and I said “see you soon” and gave it a kiss.

I went in to my ultrasound and while I was indeed pregnant there was no baby to be found. They waited a week and did another ultrasound – no baby. One more week – still no baby. I was told I had a blighted ovum and while my body was doing all of the things it was supposed to do to take care of a pregnancy, there just wasn’t a baby there. I was told I could either wait to miscarry or have a D&C. I opted for the surgery because the suffering and emptiness I felt was almost too much for me.

After a year and a half later I became pregnant with twins. I have always thought one of them was my first baby and he was put back because the time was right and he was supposed to have a twin brother I know it sounds silly (maybe even a little crazy) but it makes me feel better. It has been almost 7 years since that blighted ovum and I still get teary when I relive that time because it was so disappointing and painful – but then I look at my boys and I am sooooooooooo thankful!

I think your feelings are really quite normal. I have had two miscarriages, the first was over seven years ago and very early. However, I still thing about the baby I lost and get sentimental about that baby at times. No matter how early in pregnancy a loss occurs, it is still a loss. I've gone on to have four beautiful, healthy babies, but that does not erase the pain I feel for the children I lost. It is hard thing to go through. The disappointment is heartbreaking and emotions run high.

I wish the best for you and that you find peace with your loss. However, it is OK to grieve for that pregnancy. It is normal and you are not alone.

I think what everyone has described above is very normal after experiencing the heartbreaking loss of a miscarriage.

Jocelyn - I know what you mean. I got pregnant with my son 2 months after experiencing a miscarriage and sometimes I feel like they were the same baby even though most of the time I know this can't be the case. I don't understand why miscarriages happen to so many women but I think the knowledge and pain that you have lost a baby will never leave a women. There will always be a candle in my heart which burns for my lost baby. I think that's something which is hard to appreciate by those who have not experienced losing a baby.

That is just about the most beautiful story I think I will ever read. Jocelyn, a year has passed since you last wrote. How are you fairing?

I have experienced a number of losses, the most profound of which was a little girl at 13 weeks of pregnancy - Annabelle.

A year later I had another daughter carried by a surrogate. She is 8 now during her early years she often talked to me about the time before she was born, waiting with her sister Annabelle.

After my daughter's the birth, the pain of not carry a baby myself remained raw - actually got worse. I pursued my dream for another 6 years through many losses until finally I succeeded, giving birth to... another little girl!

Shortly before my successfully IVF transfer I had a dream. By this stage the thought of a transfer filled me with dread. I was running out of chances and feared facing the end.

In the dream I was walking through a empty place - all white and light. I could feel the weight of my sadness. Then I become aware of a presence next to me but could not see anything physically. Then a very gentle voice spoke to me. It was like a whisper - everywhere and nowhere all at once. The voice said very gently 'Hold on. You can do it. I will be back very soon.'

To this day I am certain the voice was my Annabelle. Every day I look at the daughter I carried and wonder if she could be the same child - the same soul that was my Annabelle, that came to me in a dream to urge me to hold on, and who finally was reborn to this Earth to help heal her mother's broken heart.