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President Obama Explains His Old-School Blackberry

Here’s how it is: Earth got used up, so we terraformed a whole new galaxy of Earths, some rich and flush with the new technologies, some not so much. Central Planets, them was formed the Alliance, waged war to bring everyone under their rule; a few idiots tried to fight it, among them myself. I’m Malcolm Reynolds, captain of Serenity. Got a good crew: fighters, pilot, mechanic. We even picked up a preacher, and a bona fide companion. There’s a doctor, too, took his genius sister out of some Alliance camp, so they’re keeping a low profile. You got a job, we can do it, don’t much care what it is.

The year is 1987 and NASA launches the last of America’s deep space probes. In a freak mishap, Ranger 3 and its pilot Captain William ‘Buck’ Rogers are blown out of their trajectory into an orbit which freezes his life support system and returns Buck Rogers to Earth five hundred years later.

He was once a little green slab of clay. Gumby! You should see what Gumby can do today. Gumby! He can walk into any book, with his pony pal Pokey, too. If you’ve got a heart then Gumby’s a part of you.

One thousand years ago, superstition and the sword ruled. It was a time of darkness. It was a world of fear. It was the age of gargoyles. Stone by day, warriors by night, we were betrayed by the humans we had sworn to protect, frozen in stone by a magic spell for a thousand years. Now, here in Manhattan, the spell is broken, and we live again! We are defenders of the night! We are Gargoyles!

Doc Bruce Banner, pelted by gamma rays, turned into the Hulk – ain’t he unglamorous! Wreckin’ the town with the power of a bull, Ain’t no monster cause who is that lovable? It’s ever-lovin’ Hulk!…Hulk! Hulk!

Come and knock on our door. We’ve been waiting for you. Where the kisses are hers and hers and his, three’s company, too! Come and dance on our floor. Take a step that is new. We’ve a lovable space that needs your face, three’s company, too! You’ll see that life is a ball again and laughter is callin’ for you. Down at our rendezvous, three’s company, too!

Boy the way Glen Miller played, songs that made the hit parade. Guys like us we had it made, those were the days. And you knew who you were then, girls were girls and men were men. Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again. Didn’t need no welfare state, everybody pulled his weight. Gee our old LaSalle ran great. Those were the days.