SFL Excerpts (Stephanie's Story)

Excerpts:
(1)
“Are Daphne and Laura...gay?”
“Oh, my, yes.” Jodie laughed. “That was the big deal? They liked you.”
“But Jodie, I’m straight. I like guys. I’m not...like that.”
“I know.” Jodie stopped walking. “Look, all I wanted to do was invite you over for a movie and dinner, like you said was your type of celebration. No big deal.”
“And Brandon and Curtis?” Despite the chill in the air, Steph felt her cheeks grow hot.
“Stephanie, so am I.” Jodie’s voice sounded quiet. “I’m not trying to recruit you or anything. I have other straight friends. Maybe I should have invited some of them over as well.”
“It’s okay.” Stephanie reached out to put her hand on Jodie’s shoulder, then stopped. “It was just a shock. I’ve never met anyone who’s, ah, who’s...”
“Gay? A lesbian?” Jodie supplied. “It’s okay to say the words, Steph. They aren’t going to offend me or hurt you.”
Stephanie felt her face flame red. “I’m sorry...it’s just...”
“I understand. This is a big thing to spring on you. It’s okay to feel awkward.” Jodie turned away. “I’ll see you Friday, in class, okay?”
“Okay.”

(2)
“So how long have you known...known you were gay?” She lowered her voice.

“Ever since the eighth grade.” Jodie sounded matter-of-factly. “I got turned on by models and the female stars, instead of the male ones. Guys, I really have no use for, other than for comedy.”

“No kidding?” Stephanie choked on her Mountain Dew. “Have you ever...ah...done it with a guy?”

“Oh, hell yes.” Jodie leaned forward. “But, you know, it just didn’t feel right. For me, I mean. I was totally turned off by him, the feeling wasn’t there. Do you know what I mean?”

“Kind of.” Stephanie frowned, trying to understand. “It’s like having a one-night-stand, waking up the next day with the oh-my-god, what-have-I-done, and how-the-hell-did-I-let-this happen sort of feeling, and then putting as much distance as you can between yourself and that person?”

Jodie smiled. “I suppose you could say that. You know, that’s what I like about you, you have the darnedest way of cheering a person up.”

“That’s me, class clown Steffie. I was voted ‘Most Likely To Join the Circus’ or become the next Paula Poundstone.” She swallowed and shoved her salad bowl away. “Like that’s ever going to happen. I have stage fright in speech class.”

“All you have to do is picture everyone in their underwear.” Jodie’s eyes sparkled. “Haven’t you ever heard that?”

“Every time.” Steph wadded up her napkin. “Then I end up with a bad case of the giggles.”

(4)
"Three hours with the Engaged Group was a bit much.” She went on to relate the reason she’d left earlier than planned. “It never fails...Matt has a crisis and Amy runs to his rescue. Ain’t love grand? Not!” She flopped down in the recliner.
“I guess not.” Jodie seated herself on the floor in front of the coffee table.
“What’s all this?” Stephanie indicated the table piled high with Scotch tape, pictures, and a photo album.
“Oh, I decided to organize my photos. Vicki’s been gone almost a year. I guess I’m finally ready to look at the pictures again.” Jodie’s smile was shaky.
“Can I take a look?” Stephanie slid down to the floor and picked up a few photos. Jodie explained the situation surrounding each set, and the afternoon passed as the album filled with memories. At the back of the album, Jodie placed the funeral notice and program, and wiping a few tears, placed it in the center of the coffee table.
“Thanks.” She blew her nose. “I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to do that or not.”
“You did fine.” Stephanie slid over beside her and squeezed her shoulder. “It’s tough to lose someone you love.”
“I know...thanks for understanding.” Jodie looked Stephanie in the eye, then leaned over and kissed her.
Stephanie’s head reeled. Her brain yelled, stop it! It’s not right, but at the same time, her curiosity got the better of her. Shut up. So what, it’s a kiss! A little more than just kissing a friend...
Jodie broke the kiss. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”
Stephanie shook her head. “N-no, not at all.” Have I suddenly gone crazy?
“Good, because, I want you, Steph. I need you.” The second kiss was more intense. Jodie pushed the coffee table out of the way and showed Stephanie how to lose herself in the moment.

(5)
. “You have to promise me that what I’m about to tell you will go no farther than this dorm room. Promise?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Swear it? It’s a big one, Steve.”
“Steph, I’ve never broken my word to you and you know it.”
“Okay.” Stephanie took a deep breath. “I think I’m gay, Steve.”
“Gay? What do you mean?” He looked puzzled.
Feeling her face turn red with embarrassment, she told him about her conflicting feelings about Jodie. “And you promised me you wouldn’t tell anyone else.”
Steve sat up, his head propped against the wall. “So...can I watch?”
Astonished, Stephanie stared at him, mouth open. “What? Can you watch? What kind of sick question is that?”
He shrugged and ran his hand up her thigh. “It’s an ultimate fantasy, Steph, watching two girls get it on. Maybe I can join in?”
She jerked away from him and scrambled off the bed. “I can’t believe this. I spill my guts to you, I trust you with a problem, and you treat it like it’s no big deal?” She found her clothes and began to dress.
“Come on, Steph. So what, you’re telling me you’re gay? Honestly? Even after what just happened?”
“No, I am not. I’m...just confused, and now I find out you’re a pervert.” She yanked her sweatshirt over her head.
“I’m not a pervert. It’s, well, you and I, we can talk about that stuff. You’ve watched the movies, I thought you were as turned on by those scenes as I was.”
“I only watched them because you wanted to and because I was curious. I’ve known Jodie’s gay since last spring and it just made me wonder, that’s all.”
“What about AIDS, babe? That thought alone would kill any thoughts of being with a homosexual.”
“Jodie said it only pertains to men, because in women, there’s no actual penetration.” Happy he was willing to talk about it, she reached for the roll of toilet paper he kept on his dresser. “The way women get AIDS is when they sleep with a guy who’s infected or by needles. And you know I don’t do drugs.”

“Well, yeah.” Gretchen’s feet appeared over the side of her top bunk. “She said so herself, she lost twenty pounds over the summer.”

“Well, Nicky, Shane, and I had lunch with her before we left Friday, and Shane made the comment about butts, you know how Caty’s got a bubble-butt, Keri’s is tight and sexy, and the rest of our asses are not as small? Well, Susan’s face turned red, and she stopped eating. I’m serious, she dumped that perfectly good Rax roast beef sandwich and fries right into the trash.” Lynne shook her black curls. “And later, Nicky and I were talking, and he said she hardly eats anything anymore. He’s started calling her Tweety, because she just picks at her food.”

“She has been taking a lot of walks lately, after dinner.” Stephanie leaned against the wall and pulled her knees to her chest. “I just thought it was part of her diet, not wanting to put that twenty pounds back on.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.” Lynne looked troubled. “I’m going to keep an eye on what she does eat, just to make sure she’s getting enough calories.”

“Don’t be obvious about it,” cautioned Gretchen. “Make a mental note of what she eats, and oh, hell, let’s all do that. Why don’t the four of us, just for fun, keep track of everything we eat this week?” Stephanie heard paper rustling. “We could say it’s for one of Steph’s classes...an experiment of some sort. To see how good the average student’s diet is or something to that effect. We could include Cait and Amy as well, so it doesn’t look suspicious.”

Stephanie leaned forward. “Come to think of it, my professor mentioned a nutrition section coming up. This way, I already have a head start. Not a bad idea, Gretchen.”

“Don’t forget when the actual study starts.” Lynne stood. “It’ll blow the whole thing to pieces if you slip.”

“I won’t but what if she cheats?” Stephanie frowned. “You know, she puts down she ate, oh, I don’t know, two slices of pizza, but we only see her eat one. What then?”

“Then we know she’s lying about her food intake, or if she writes it down on the chart and we see it, we can challenge her. In a casual way, they way we always do.” Gretchen jumped off her bed again and grabbed a roll of tape. “Here, I made the chart. We’ll post it on the mirror.”

“Only five days?” Stephanie followed her to the hall mirror. “I’d hate to know what we all eat on the weekends.”

“If you’re right and the Bengals lose, I’ll be your slave for a day, but if they beat San Francisco, then you have to be mine. And…you have to tell one of your roommates about us.” Jodie looked serious.

“Why do I have to tell?” A tiny seed of fear knotted Stephanie’s stomach.

“Because you made a promise you’d come out. I’m getting tired of waiting for you to make up your mind.” Jodie crossed her arms. “You tell me how refreshing it is, not to have to worry about birth control and all that, that being with me is a hell of a lot better than anyone else you ever dated, but damn it, I’m getting tired of being a secret.” She stopped, her hand over her mouth, then she dropped it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you this until later, but it’s how I feel. My friends know about you but yours are clueless. If we’re going to be involved, then I want to be a part of your life, the part that goes out in public, not just hides in my bedroom. I’ve put up with it for six months, and now it’s time to either shit or get off the pot, Steph. I’m not Steve.” The doorbell rang, and Jodie walked over to Stephanie, lowering her voice. “I think I love you, but if all you want is sex, then you can leave after the party. Now, I’m going to let our guests in and enjoy myself. Think about it and we’ll talk after the party.”

“One of the people I work with was telling another person about their weekend. They had gone to a gay bar, and she specifically mentioned you.”

Stephanie felt the color drain from her face. “No,” she whispered. “Oh, my God, no...no...this can’t be happening...” She closed her eyes and curled into a ball.

“It’s okay, Steph. Talk to me. I’m not going to judge you or anyone. What’s going on?” Stephanie flinched when she felt a hand on her shoulder and pulled away. “Steph?”

“Go away. Please, Aim. Just go away!” Steph buried her head in her pillow.

“I’m not going anywhere. Sit up and talk to me.” The bed frame squeaked, and she knew Amy took up residence beside her.

Steph sighed, rolled over, and reached for the Kleenex. “I guess if I have to tell somebody, it might as well be you.” She blew her nose.

“Okay, but you have to keep this between you and me. Swear?”

Amy nodded, crossing her heart. Stephanie told her about Jodie, how their relationship began, and lately, her confusion over the whole issue.

“I promised Jo I’d attempt to come out of the closet, but it’s harder than I thought. My parents will disown me. I don’t dare tell Caitlyn because of her holier-than-thou attitude, and I’m not sure about the others.”

Amy’s tone was neutral. “I’m surprised at you...we’re your friends. We love you, no matter what happens. Yeah, this is a shock, but it doesn’t change anything between us, does it? I mean, you aren’t attracted to any of us, are you?”

“No, Aim, I know you’re straight.” Stephanie began crying again. “Part of my problem is I see all of you going through your bad times—you and Matt, Caty and Bryan, and I just want to scream at all of you to get your heads out of your asses and dump the s.o.b.’s. You can do so much better than that. At least Gretchen finally wised up.” She grabbed one of her pillows and hugged it to her chest.

Amy laughed. “I guess she did.” She looked at her watch. “Well, the others should be arriving soon. Why don’t you wash your face and compose yourself?” She got up and held a hand out to Stephanie. “Unless you want them asking questions...”

“No way.” Steph slid off the bed and hugged Amy before going into the bathroom and shutting the door. Whew! I knew Amy would be the one to tell first, but I didn’t think the conversation would take place this soon. It’s just as well...they’re going to start finding out, sooner or later. Maybe she can help me with how to tell the others.

“Steph? What’s wrong?” By this time, Troy, whom Gretchen smuggled into the room, climbed down from Gretchen’s upper bunk, and pulled on his boxer shorts. “You’re what?” She reeled against the wall, almost falling. Troy caught her and lowered her to the floor. “Oh, my God.” Gretchen closed her eyes and grabbed Troy. “Steph says she’s gay,” she whispered. Troy’s mouth opened in shock. “How long have you known? Six months! Okay...just let me say this, I’ll make you a deal. Never, and I mean never, ever make a pass at me, and we’ll get along just fine. You hear me?” She struggled to her feet, motioning for Troy to check on Susan. She felt her way across the dorm room to her desk chair. “Does anybody else know?”

“Amy does. Gretchen? You can never ever tell Caty. She’ll go all holier-than-thou on me.”

“You don’t know that,” Gretchen protested, even though she had a suspicion Steph was right. “You were in on that discussion. She might surprise you.”

“No. Absolutely not. I’ve not even told my parents yet. Gretch, you, and Amy have to help me find a way to break this to them.” Gretchen heard her sniffle and realized her friend was in tears.

“It’s okay.” Gretchen took a few deep, calming breaths, and held out a hand to Troy, who had returned to sit on Stephanie’s bed. Susan sat beside him, still shaking. Gretchen squeezed Troy’s hand for comfort as she continued to reassure Stephanie. “We’ll stand by you, don’t worry. We’ll help you through this.”

“I love you. Not in the way you think. I mean, I love you as a friend.”

“I know, and we all love you, too.” Gretchen rubbed her forehead, trying to digest the information. “Get some sleep, and we’ll talk about it in the morning. Okay?”

“I just got off the phone with Keri. How can you be gay? You slept with Steve more times than you can count. You don’t look the least bit odd. You don’t even act gay! So tell me, how can you be gay?”

Stephanie winced. She’d known Caty’s reaction would be bad, but she hadn’t expected the verbal barrage over the phone. Still, at least Caty couldn’t hit her. “H-how did you f-find out? Who told you?”

“I overheard Amy’s end of the conversation when Troy called her a little while ago, and then Keri called and confirmed it…” The shrillness in Caty’s voice faded. Steph put the receiver to her ear. “Now what the hell is going on?”

“Caty, calm down. I wasn’t quite sure how to tell you—”

“So everyone knows but me? Why am I the last to know these things? And don’t tell me to calm down!”

“Okay...okay. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but it’s the truth, Cait. I’ve been... sleeping with Jodie since last summer.” Stephanie closed her eyes and waited for the next explosion, holding the receiver away again.

“Last summer? You’ve known all this time, and you’re just now telling us?”

“Yes.” Stephanie leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. I wish she’d calm down!

Crash! Stephanie blinked. Caty slammed the phone down in her ear.

Shaking, Steph replaced the receiver on the hook as it rang again.

“I’m sorry.” Caty sounded subdued. “I was just so mad, I had to slam something.”

She heard Caty laughing and crying at the same time. “It’s not funny. Do you not realize what you’re setting yourself up for? It’s morally wrong to be in a homosexual relationship. You could get AIDS! What about having kids some day? What about what people say? What about your parents? What about all those objections we were talking about last semester? Do you know Bryan hates fags? If he finds out, he’ll never want to come see me again, because he’ll want to avoid you!”

Stephanie groaned. Trust Caty to turn the issue around to be about her. “And what does Peter think?” She couldn’t help the sarcastic tone. “Will I be on his shit list as well?” This time, Stephanie was the one to slam the phone down. “And I’m not calling you back to apologize!”

“You...you can’t be serious, Stephanie! All those boys you’ve dated over the years...you went to the Formal just before Christmas. What do you mean, you’re gay? What will your father and brothers think? Our friends? Stephanie...it’s a sin!” Clutching her hand to her chest, she sat in the nearest chair.

“No, Mom, it’s not a sin. It feels right for me. I don’t feel the same way around guys any more.” Stephanie tried to explain. “Besides, it’s not like I’m going around hitting on every woman I meet. I’m in a committed, solid relationship, and it’s so much better than any relationship I’ve ever had. Can’t you be happy for me?”

Rachel Ridgeman recoiled when Stephanie touched her arm. “What do you mean, you’re in a solid, committed relationship?”

“I mean, I’m in love with Jodie, and she loves me.” Stephanie’s eyes filled with tears at her mother’s rejection. “You told me once that if this is the lifestyle people choose, they should do it quietly and not flaunt their actions in people’s faces. That’s what I’m doing. Hardly anyone knows, and we don’t make out in public or anything. We go to a gay bar, and we hang out at her house, but when we’re in public, it’s just like I’m having a meal with Gretchen or Caitlyn.” She moved closer to her mother again. “Can’t you at least think about it? I’m happy, Mom. Happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Your father is not going to see it that way, and when I said that, I wasn’t talking about my daughter.” She shook her head. “I just don’t see how this is possible. We raised you right. You know what the Bible says...how can you turn your back on God, Stephanie? How? Why are you doing this?” She put her head in her hands as her shoulders shook. “Were you recruited by some of those...people? Have they brainwashed you? I’m making an appointment for you Monday morning. We’ll get you help, honey, and put a stop to this nonsense.”

“Mom! I’m not sick.” Stephanie felt her stomach drop. “No, I wasn’t brainwashed, recruited, taken advantage of, whatever. This is my choice. My choice! I’m not turning away from God, I still go to church. I still believe, but I just see things a little differently, that’s all.”

“Then you’re being hypocritical, Stephanie.” Rachel stood and began to gather her clothes, throwing them into the suitcase. “I can’t stay here. I have to go home...”

“Mother—” Stephanie tried to grab her arm, but Rachel wrenched away.

“Don’t talk to me right now. I’m too upset. When you come to your senses, we’ll talk. I’m still making that appointment for Monday. I’ll drag you home myself if I have to.” Mrs. Ridgeman grabbed her suitcase and stormed out of the room, leaving Stephanie standing there, tears streaming down her face.

“I can’t believe my mother did that. She told me at Fall Break that as long as gays and lesbians didn’t draw attention to themselves, it was okay, if that was the lifestyle they chose. Then she tells me she thinks I’m mentally ill or have betrayed her somehow. God! You’d think I’d joined a cult, to hear her talk.” Stephanie paced back and forth in Kate Cassidy’s motel room.

“I think she’s reacting normally to the news.” Gretchen tried to console her. “Give her time. Remember, it’s a shock when someone you love drops a bomb like this. Remember how Caty reacted?”

“Yes, but...but she’s my mother!” Exasperated, Stephanie threw herself on the other bed. “Aren’t parents supposed to support their children?”

“What about when your brother had trouble with alcohol? Did they say, oh, it’s okay for you to drink...we’ll help bail you out, or did they get him into a treatment center?”

“That’s different, Gretchen, and you know it.”

“Exactly my point. From her point of view, yes, you’ve been afflicted with a problem, one that a good psychiatrist can help. Of course, when she goes looking for one, she’ll probably find one that won’t tell her that, unless she gets an ‘old school’ one.” Gretchen thought for a moment. “It used to be thought that homosexuality was a disease, but now, studies are finding that it’s not. Some people feel they are just born the wrong sex while others, it’s something they choose.”

“Yes.” Steph sat up. “I did choose it. I fought it for a while then I simply accepted the fact that I’m more comfortable with another female. Why can’t she see that?”

“Your parents will come around in their own time. They love you too much to disown you. Just give them time and plenty of space. It was hard for us when Jodie made her announcement, but we don’t love her any less, even though we don’t totally approve of her lifestyle. It’s all about loving the child, not the choice.”

“When will my parents see that?” Stephanie sniffed.

“For Mom and Dad, it took about two years,” Jodie revealed. “And my brother and sisters, well, they’re still in denial, asking me every so often if I’ve met a man.” Her voice became bitter. “They’re going to love my medical news. You think maybe they’ll finally get the message I’m not going to switch to men?”

“You’re right, they will see your diagnosis as something else to deal with, and your sisters and John may feel ashamed and embarrassed toward you,” Mrs. Armstrong pointed out. “But they will also know that it’s not contagious. A cure will be found one day, and just because you tested positive doesn’t mean anything. I’ve been doing some reading on HIV, and the main way it is transmitted is by sexual contact with an infected partner. So any one of your sisters could easily have been infected, they were just fortunate.”

“Yeah, but you watch. One of them will refer to my promiscuous lifestyle. Geez! One lousy night without a condom, and I’m a pariah.”

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About Me

I've been writing since age 11, and wrote my first romance novel at age 19. I finally had the guts to seek publication for my series in 2002, much to the delight of everyone who's read my work and demanded to know why I wasn't published yet!