I Often Wish To Become Terminally Ill...

i will not commit suicide because that would hurt too many people. but i want my life to be over. the pain and the anquish i have experienced has been too much to bare. the main one is i dont feel loved. the catch 22 is that i dont feel i can open to love either. i am stuck on a past relationship and it is taking me for a ride. some days are bliss, and i feel like it will all turn out ok with this person. and some days i cannot stop crying--with no end of consollation. i am spiritual and the message i keep getting is "you have to find your way out alone"....but i cant...or i havent been able to and i refuse to endure a lifetime of this anguish. just when i think its over, it attacks me again. i wonder if i will just lose it and jump off a cliff one day. i am losing hope, joy and anything that used to mean something to me. and nothing anyone says to me helps. where are those people who welcome me with open arms when i need a sanctuary? i know--they are far away because i ran awy from them because they all hurt me so much over and over and over. my entire family, my ex, everyone. and then i got pathetic and stupid and sad.....if someone told me: your life is over today, i would be so happy! i just want it to end. nothing inspires me and i cant stop crying. i want out. and i think we should have that right as humans, to end our lives when there is no where left to turn and you can barely function anymore.

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