Category: FleetMarineLife Highlights

[“Fleet Marine Life” is arguably the greatest (and most poorly drawn) military comic on the web. Unless otherwise noted, all comics and their accompanying commentary were created by “K” at FleetMarineLife.com. Reproduced with Permission.]

Most Marines live paycheck to paycheck. I wouldn’t say Marines suck with money because when the time comes to make it from the 1st to the 15th, some Marines have a temporary financial plan that takes account of every penny. It makes me laugh how most financial problems can be easily avoided with some sort of budget. A budget is a simple financial plan that you make up to make sure you know where your money is going. Even if you don’t have financial problems, I highly recommend that you take an hour out of your day once a month (or 3 months) and write down how much money is coming in and how much money is going out and to where it is going to.

You’d be surprised how much money you blow away on Monsters and alcohol during the weekend.

In California, we used to live in a motel-style barracks where if you walked outside of your room, you’d be outside.

One Thursday, and I remember it was Thursday because everyone was cleaning, I went to the room of a female Marine and her roommate was crying. I asked why her roommate was crying and she said, “A Male Sergeant banged on the door last night asking her if she wanted to hang out and she said no. The Sergeant started banging on the door non-stop and said all sorts of terrible things.” Of course, he was drunk as fuck, because what idiot would do this at 2 o’ clock in the morning?

I noticed that they have their curtains closed and duct taped at the edge. I asked why this was so and she replied, “It’s because male Marines try to look into our room.” That’s fucking creepy.

Every barracks I go to, the central AC is always blasting during the winter. I can’t turn this down because it’s all controlled by a big, central AC unit. I always complain about this to the BEQ managers, and they all universally end up getting nothing done. Sometimes they make some bullshit up like, “Having the AC on during the winter saves energy.” I don’t understand how anyone can believe that nonsense.

So I have to stuff my ventilation hole with some clothes, like everyone else. When summer is here, the AC stops working because it was on full blast during the winter nonstop. I don’t think the fact that everyone was stuffing their vent holes with clothes helped either.

A long time ago, a bunch of my fellow Marines had women (we weren’t allowed to have women) in their rooms. A noisy SNCO caught them and then the next day, those Marines and I were put on a military policeman course to get a certificate for pepper spray, and we weren’t even MPs! The thing is, to get this certificate, you had to get sprayed in the face with military grade pepper spray. I was blind for 2 hours and my face felt like it was in an oven because of someone else’s mistakes.

One of the Marines, LCPL Wendy, wrote to me saying:

“I got in so much trouble for having women in the villa. So I was placed on restriction… While on restriction, I witnessed a train of hookers walk into the back door of the SNCO and Officers villa in broad daylight… The same MARRIED men, who were desperately trying to NJP me, were having blatant affairs.”

Checking out of the Corps can take at most 2 days or at least 3 months.

As a short-timer, someone with little time left in their contract, you can get away with a lot. Most short timers choose the latter option. If you’re checking out of the Corps, chances are, you’re sick of their bullshit. The almighty Corps Checkout sheet will get you out of so much bullshit. It’s like what holy water is to a vampire.

There’s nothing quite as insane as cleaning in cammies at 2am in the morning. My higher ups, for some insane reason, are obsessed with cleaning. Not just them, but every other higher up I have come across. Universally throughout the Corps, all higher ups just want their junior Marines to field day their rooms for 8 hours every Thursday. Now, we don’t live in a spacious room. It’s something like a 15 x 15 foot room. 8 hours to clean a 15 x 15 foot area per week. That’s with 2 people.

Clean to normal people means: not sticky, smells fine, not dirty. Something along those lines. Clean to higher ups means that there cannot be any spec of dust anywhere. Even inside the hollow areas of your chair. One piece of lint means more cleaning.

Why waste so much time on something so trivial?

Higher ups justify this trivial waste of time as an essential part of every day Marine life. To summarize these words, “Field days win wars.”

In the USMC, for every action, there is tons of paper work behind it. Reason being is if something goes wrong, the higher ups know who to blame. And usually the higher ups are not to blame.

Let’s say it’s a 96 (vacation). You want to go to a neighboring state for tourism. Whoa, there! No can do! You’ll need to fill out a HARP (Holiday Accident Reduction Program) form before you think about doing stuff like that! Every 96, you need to fill out this form.

Open it up and look at it. You have to tell your higher ups where you’re going, what you’re going to do, if you’re going to drink or not, if your car is ok, etc. This is another wonderful reminder that the government owns you. The higher ups do this so they can burn your ass if you decide to go somewhere else all of the sudden and do some stupid shit. The system is designed to burn your ass and not the higher ups!

Anyways, let’s see how many forms are produced in the USMC. Let’s say that there’s roughly 150,000 enlisted active duty folks in the USMC. Assuming that only E-5s and below have to fill out these forms, this number boils down to 125,850 (83.9%). That means there will be 251,700 sheets of paper produced during every 96. After the 96, I’m sure these things are thrown away or left to rot.

Doesn’t this seem like a gigantic waste? Well, there’s alot of things in the USMC that requires paperwork. Even the simplest of things.

The Marine Corps has always been grossly underfunded. This has encouraged Marines to get what they need through less legitimate means. There is a saying that says, “Marines never steal,” which is the biggest load of crap ever. Marines don’t call it stealing, they call it some shit like, “tactically acquire.”

Everywhere you go in the Corps, you need gear watch on your shit, because someone is going to always try to steal your shit. In the Corps, if you do get your shit stolen, it’s more than likely your fault.

In the movie “Full Metal Jacket,” Private Pyle leaves his foot locker unsecured. His drill instructor sees this and says, “If it wasn’t for dickheads like you, there wouldn’t be any thievery in this world, would there?!” Kind of ass-backwards logic, isn’t it?

There’s even an entire chapter (Chap. 10) in a book on the Commandant’s reading list on stealing (First to Fight by Victor H. Krulak)! Back then Marines stole everything from lumber to jeeps. On a side note, that book is an incredibly dry book and it took me forever to read just a few pages.

Stealing doesn’t solve the problem. Bottom line is that someone else is going to be missing something. You can prevent this cycle of stealing by making your shit hard to steal.

From experience, I have seen people who have tried these methods and have failed to get out. Miserably. In fact, by doing anything on that list, you will only prolong your agony and suffering. EAS (End of Agony and Suffering) is the ONLY cure with no bad after effects.

There is this thing called the Post 9/11 GI Bill, and it is insane in the membrane. How good is it? On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a fucking million. Check this shit out. They pay for your school. They pay for your books. On top of all that, they give you Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) at the rate of an E-5 with dependents. It doesn’t matter if you got out as an E-1 or an E-9000. The BAH rate is dependent on the zip code of your school. So if you’re in Bumfuck, Nebraska, you’ll probably get like a few berries and twigs. However, if your school is in some heavily populated area like San Francisco ($2,742 a month), Los Angeles ($2,001 per month), Washington D.C ($2,106 per month), Boston ($2,493 per month), or New York City ($2,835 per month), you will be banking a lot of money.

You may think, “What’s the catch? In what shape or form does the green weenie fit into this?” The only catch is that in order to use this bill, you need an honorable discharge. So if you plan on getting out of the Corps by taking a dump on the roof your Commanding Officer’s car, I highly recommend that you cease and desist with that shit (no pun intended).

Just get out with 3.0/4.0 pros and cons, and you will get your honorable discharge. This benefit lasts for 36 months of schooling. The months can be broken up and used fractionally.

America has been at war (undeclared) with Afghanistan and Iraq for almost a decade. The war in Iraq and Afghanistan doesn’t really contribute to the end of terrorism. After World War 2, America did a lot of shit behind closed doors that pissed off everyone. Until our government stops meddling in other people’s problems, people around the world are going to continue being pissed off at the US.

These wars are costing hundreds of billions of dollars per year, and what is there to show for it? Nothing. No end in sight.

I tried contacting my senators and representatives asking when the end of the war was going to be, but they always make up some bullshit about “pulling out carefully.” Translation: Next year. Translation of the translation: Next decade.

Can you imagine how much good can be produced with the $1.29 trillion that have been spent so far on these wars? Think of how much good we can do in OUR own country. Think of how many local American problems could be solved. It’s almost unimaginable.

Politicians do it all for the money. The money is constantly lining the pockets of corrupt politicians who don’t have to fight or send their kids to fight. Instead, they promote more wars in more places where the US doesn’t have to be. War is a racket that can be very profitable for those on the inside.

Obama removed all the troops out of Iraq, but we still have thousands of contractors in Iraq and a gigantic embassy. Appearances can be deceiving. This is one of the many ways how politicians play their silly game.

As of now, America is in $15.6 trillion in debt (FederalBudget.com)! Where is the government going to get that money? Taxes make people go crazy, so that’s a bad idea. The government always chooses inflation, which is like a tax but slower. After some period of time, anyone carrying dollars will suffer mysteriously higher prices at the pump, at the market, or wherever.

The people are waking up to the corruption and are getting more restless everyday. The government is seeing this and is combating the civil unrest by taking away our civil liberties (See SOPA and NDAA) and sicking their policemen on normal everyday citizens. These are dark times for America and we should all be watching the people who are supposed to be protecting us.

The only true end to the government’s silly game is when they become broker than broke. The US is broke now, but they can be broker than broke (See post WWI Germany). It looks like we’re on that path and everyone is going to suffer.

You can’t trust higher ups. They often say they have open door policies. Their open door policy should be used with extreme caution. Whatever you say will be used against you. I have met a lot of higher ups with “open door policies,” but from their records, the “open door” policy felt more like a “trap door” policy.

Honesty is not good in the Corps. I’ve known Marines who burned themselves with honesty. They harmed no one, they did no real wrong, yet they felt compelled to admit they had problems with drugs and alcohol. It was by far the worst decision they ever made.

If you have a problem, be extremely careful who you talk to in the Corps. They may say they can help you, but they may end up being a snake in the grass waiting to bite you in the nuts and inject their venom. One sentence of truth in the Corps can have adverse long-term effects on your career and your life.

The higher ups seriously need to stop building new barracks and letting the old barracks go to shit. I’m sick of seeing millions and millions of dollars go to new barracks that never get finished when our barracks has everything just falling apart from inside out.

My paycheck is for me and should not be used toward super gluing my room together!

On another note, if you haven’t checked out the “A Few Good Links” section, go to it!

I’ve always wondered the day when USMC high command would move to shut down www.IHateTheUSMC.com. The Marine Corps often times focuses on the symptoms of problems instead of actual problems themselves.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against the website. I enjoy reading the stories on that website since they’re legitimate complaints about the Corps written by real Marines. Plus, this website is a gold mine for comic writing since I honestly can’t make up half the shit I write.

Instead of taking these stories and making the Corps a better place, most higher ups found on IHateTheUSMC.com (Sgts and above) typically spew out illiterate nonsense against those who talk poorly about current USMC policies.

Here are a few REAL UNALTERED examples:

I HATE BOOTS wrote:
“I HATE YOU BOOTS CRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. GO TO THE CHOW HALL GET A STRAW AND SUCK IT THE FUCK UP… YOU COCK LOVING FAGS YOU’RE SO LUCKY THAT IM NOT YOUR LEADERSHIP I WOULD HAZE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.. I HOPE YOU ALL DIE

RS
YO MOMMA
”
MeJarHead wrote:
“fuckin’ whiners. The best thing you ever did was join the Corps and get a set of brass balls… maybe! You pussies talked a lot of shit when you were in to impress Suzy Rottencrotch and the neighbor girl. I saw this every fuckin’ day. You limp dicks were in awe of me and my kind… total Marine committed and dedicated to the mission. Cry all you want. It shows your mettle. What a buch of cryin’ bitches. MGuns”

Syrtyr wrote:
“Who the HELL is this ATTACKING MY BELOVED CORPS!!!!!!! Stop being a coward and be an OATH KEEPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR didn’t your mommy and daddy teach anything about HONOR? Or PRIDE?? No they didn’t!!!! THE MARINE CORPS DID you disgusting piece of whale turd you!!!”

If you’re a (or were) Marine, you should visit this website for a laugh or two.

Being a Marine sucks ass. Sure I “wasn’t promised a rose garden,” but holy crap. I didn’t expect stupidity and bullshit on a scale of which I can only imagine. Neither did a lot of other Marines. You didn’t need any data to tell you that not too many people willingly reenlisted.

Check out this data complied by the Military Leadership Diversity Commision (MLDC).

The USMC has a low Enlisted re-enlistment rate. To be clear, re-enlistment is defined as a change in the ETS (Expiration, Term of Service; End of Active Service, EAS) date of 36 months or more.

Service members were characterized in 3 zones.
Zone A: 17 months to 6 years in service when they reenlist. (First termers)
Zone B: 6-10 years of service. (Second Termers)
Zone C: 10-14 years of service. (Careerists aka Lifers)

As you can see, the majority of first termers leave. Even second termers are somewhat reluctant to stay.

Marine Corps’s enlisted reenlistment rates for Males (Not exact):

2000-2008
Zone A: 20% – 35%
Zone B: 45% – 65%
Zone C: 70% – 80%

With these numbers, let’s say there’s 1,000 people who join the Corps. After their first term, about 200-350 are left. After one more term, about 90-228 are left. That’s a lot of people gone after about 8-10 years! This goes to show you how shitacular life is in the USMC.

Out of all the branches in the military, it is no surprise that the USMC has the lowest reenlistment rates. Marines get treated like sub-human beings. We would talk amongst each other wishing that we lived like the people in the Air Force. They had the nicest barracks, the nicest things, the nicest… EVERYTHING. We were all jealous! All we could do was talk shit about how “they’re not tough” or “at least we’re Marines,” but deep down, we felt our regret. It’s kind of like buying a used car that breaks down a lot when you could have bought a brand new car with the same amount of money. You can’t do much except say something along the lines of, “Oh yeah? Well my car looks better than yours!”

Just for fun, let’s look at the Air Force.

Air Force’s enlisted reenlistment rates for Males (Not exact):

2000-2008
Zone A: 35% – 50%
Zone B: 55% – 75%
Zone C: 80% – 85%

With these numbers, let’s say there’s 1,000 people who join the Air Force. After their first term, about 350-500 are left. After one more term, about 193-375 are left. Not too bad.

Recruiters are smooth talking salesmen that are there to make sure you sell your soul to Uncle Sam for 4 years. Recruiters need bodies or else their careers will go in the shitter. Pretty much every single recruiter is a careerist forced beyond his will to recruit. They need bodies and they will get it by any means necessary. They will definitely lie. They honestly don’t give a shit if they don’t meet their end of the bargain.

My recruiter didn’t lie to me. He simply misled me. He put me in front of this book with a list of fields. Each field had a list of MOSes. I chose a field that looked good, because it had the MOS I wanted. Fast-forward a few months later and I get my MOS. Something I didn’t want. I thought to myself, “No way. This does not sound like anything in the field I chose.”

I look in my SRB and lo-and-behold, my MOS is in that field… sandwiched between all the wanted MOSes.

Recruiters can lie and they will get away with it. If they promise something, you need evidence. You will need such promises in writing.

On ihatetheUSMC.com, a former Marine wrote:

“The Marine Corps really is like a huge shit sandwich… some recruiters might tell you a little about the shit but definetely not too much. Yes, they acknowledge the shit is there, but what they do is they try to cover it up, they talk about benefits, country, school, steady paycheck, medical care, duty to something greater than yourself, all this moto, psuedo-patriotic, and at times, self-interested bullshit.. But really what they’re really doing is trying to cover up the shit , basically, if you read between the lines, they’re saying ” Yes, I know it’s a shit sandwich, but check it out, we put some tomatoes on it, some pickles, some ranch, some onions, some bacon, a little ketchup and mustard.. it can’t taste that bad after all this awesome stuff that comes with it..” and then, you sign the contract and there you are, just eating this disgusting shit sandwich, and all the topping’s in the world can’t and won’t make this shit sandwich taste better, I’d give it all back just to be a civilian.. If you’re reading this and intend to enlist/re-enlist.. don’t, just don’t, go, live a normal life..”

I’ve learned a lot about leadership in the Corps. Whenever you go, you’ll see “leaders” both good and bad. No matter what leaders you get, you’ll most definitely be able to take something out of it.

In my last unit, I met a lot of leaders who often set the example… of what not to do. The most important thing about leadership is being there. It’s half the battle! Most of the time, whenever the shit hits the fan, my leaders have no insight, no foresight or any type of sight at all. They have a tendency to disappear or put most (or all) of the pressure on the junior Marines to “figure it out.” This is not leadership at its finest.

Leaders are supposed to lead and be the top dogs, something to look forward to being. They’re not supposed to be leeches that latch on to their junior Marines and suck the life out of them. Junior Marines shouldn’t be used for personal gain, but they are. Leaders aren’t supposed to borrow money and CIF gear from their juniors and then never return them. Leaders aren’t supposed to reward their buddies and punish the hardworking. Leaders aren’t supposed to belittle junior Marines and call them racist slurs for fun.

There’s a lot of things leaders aren’t supposed to do. The damage they can cause is often times unforgettable and irreversible. Respect and trust will be lost, and those two values are very hard things to regain. Without either, a leader is worthless.

A lot of leaders I met in the Corps were pretty good to go, but it seems to me that the higher up you go in the ranks, the more corrupt and twisted you become. Most of the Sergeants and Staff NCOs I have met, sickened me. They were delusional beyond belief. Most of them led bitter lives as cheaters, thieves, liars, heavy alcoholics, and major league douchebags. Despite all these problems, they thought they had no problems.

They were so detached from their troops. Sure, a few of them had an “open door” policy, but it felt more like an “trap door” policy (Search integrity trap). The higher ups I knew were more concerned about burning Marines than actually listening to them and helping them.

Leaders in the Corps have a lot of power and impact on people’s lives. Unfortunately in the Corps, any suggestion or mere mention to any sort of positive change is often met with harsh criticism and backlash.

Lance Corporal Goodidea : Why do we have to wake up at 4am in the morning for PT? Can’t we do PT during our working hours since we don’t have too much work to do?
Sergeant Oldschool : No, we can’t do that.
Lance Corporal Goodidea : Why not?
Sergeant Oldschool : Because, we may have work during those times.
Lance Corporal Goodidea : 9 times out of 10, we usually don’t.
Sergeant Oldschool : Get out of my office.

The Marine Corps is very reluctant to change. They’re not the only ones. Many government bureaucracies are reluctant to change once certain policies are set.

Whenever Marines get MREs, they will field strip it and throw away most of the plastic and cardboard that they don’t have to carry. This helps reduce weight and size. After a few decades, we now have first-strike rations.

It’s like an MRE without all the extra packaging. Look at the difference in size between the old MREs and the new MREs. It cuts down on costs and waste. Of course, this idea is not something that a rocket scientist came up with. A lot of Marines would come up with the same question whenever they were field stripping their MREs. Why is there so much waste?

The USMC is a government bureaucracy whether you like it or not. Government bureaucracies is where innovation goes to die. There is little to no incentive to be outstanding. Status quo is where it’s at. It takes leaders from the top to help push about change. If the top leader is a status quo leader, then there will be no change. The USMC is jam-packed with status quo leaders.

Of course, the civilian courts didn’t buy the domestic abuse allegations, and dropped the case because in the civilian world you actually need evidence to try somebody. But not so in the military, the allegations of domestic abuse caused NCIS to launch a crusade against my SSgt, and when they couldn’t find any evidence, the started digging through all of his military paperwork trying to find something to charge him with. Do you know what they found? They found that he looks even more squared away on paper than he does in real life!

Meanwhile, the command forbade him to return to his shop and stuck him in the company office, and then called the shop down to the company commander’s office so the Captain and 1stSgt could personally tell us not to go anywhere near SSgt.

When he was put on legal hold, he was on his terminal leave, now he’s more than three weeks AFTER his actual EAS date, and he’s still not even listed as a suspect in his own case because they can’t find anything on him, but they’re not willing to admit that maybe they were wrong. Great use of taxpayer dollars don’t you think?

As if all of this wasn’t enough to go through, while he was on legal hold he received a negative counseling because he was found on the third deck of the barracks. The counseling was conducted to instruct him “not to commit suicide”. Because everyone knows that the best way to convince someone that you have just taken pretty much everything from, to not commit suicide, is to make him do negative paperwork regarding it. Gotta love the infinite wisdom of the marine corps’ senior leadership.

So as of today my SSgt is still sitting around on legal hold. This just goes to show that, no matter what your rank is, how long you’ve been in, what you may have accomplished, or how many times the command has promised to have your back, the moment that the rubber meets the road, and something happens that could reflect negatively upon the marine corps, you will be thrown to the wolves.

This is the story of the only decent SNCO I’ve ever had. Rank never really mattered in our shop, because we respected each other as human beings. We only addressed him as “Staff Sergeant” when there were people who outranked him around; otherwise he was “Boss”. He may have been a SSgt, but if we had a project going on, he’d be right there next to us doing whatever we were doing. He was extremely driven and in 12 years as an infantryman, he had managed to get two masters degrees. He wanted to get out, go back home and start up a business, he already had everything financed and ready to go, everything was set.

Less than 48 hours after his EAS, his psychotic wife had him arrested. I later learned (By willfully disregarding my Captain and 1stSgt’s orders) that apparently she was receiving money from the state of California for her kids (one of whom is disabled) and was also receiving money from the marine corps for the kids, and she decided that, if he left the marine corps, she would lose some of the money she had been receiving. They were already separated and well on their way to divorce, but he stopped by that night to see his kids before he went home to get his business started. His wife pounced on the opportunity and started screaming bloody murder to alert the neighbors and then called the cops.

Apparently in California (I’m not sure about other states), if you call the cops for domestic abuse and, when the cops show up, you say certain key words and phrases, the cops have to arrest the other person or else they get in trouble. So take note, if you’re going to make the mistake of marrying a psychotic bitch in the state of California, make sure she’s too dumb to figure out what the key words and phrases are.

Safety and Peace

Getting fucked by our wives in every way except the way we’d like since 1775

In a very special article, I will discuss about the ancient Art of Skating.

By skating a few minutes a day away throughout your Marine Corps career, those skated minutes will add up and pay you dividends. By practicing the art of skating and trading valuable skating skills with other people, preferably from other sections, you will become a grand master capable of repelling higher ups like a Jedi.

There are several goals to skating and that depends on what you want. Do you want to look like Chesty Puller without doing all the work? Do you want to cruise by and still get out with an honorable discharge? Do you just want to not do anything that day?

I will give you, the reader, some tools to help you on your road to becoming a proficient skater in our beloved Cream Corn. Take what you need and employ the right tools at the right time for maximum success.

1. Volunteering
Ever hear the acronym, “NAVY?” It stands for “Never Again Volunteer Yourself.” Volunteering is pretty much always a shitty deal with little to no reward(s) or gratitude.

Contrary to what people may believe, volunteering can be a tool to help you skate. Let’s say you know, or think you know, that there’s a big pile of elephant shit that needs to be shoveled that day. Your SNCO just asked for some volunteers to do some paperwork. Initially, no one will raise their hands. Fools! Of course you do because you would rather do paperwork than shovel elephant shit for 5 hours.

2. Working close with the higher ups
Higher ups always spend most of their day roaming the offices and drinking coffee. They will never go out of their offices to see whatever anyone is doing, and for that reason, you will never get high pros and cons working outside of the office. Working in the office is possibly the skatest thing you can do. You don’t really have to do much and you’ll get high pros and cons for your minimal effort. How the hell do people end up with office billets? Well, you can either be:

1. Lucky
2. Female

There’s no other way other than these two, and I’m sorry for misleading some of you people.

3. Being Average
You don’t want to do too much work. If you become over depended on, you’ll dramatically reduce your chances of leaving that office. Ever. If you do too little work, you’ll face the risk of getting negative paperwork. You have to find the right balance.

Sometimes being below average is a MUST to getting away from your god-forsaken company.

There was this guy in my platoon that got caught sleeping on post in an Afghanistan FOB. He got NJP without loss of rank. He also got caught beating off in a third-country national’s trailer while watching porno on that guy’s computer.

When everyone came back from Afghanistan, this guy got assigned to work at the Single Marine Program (SMP). My platoon was asked for volunteers to work at the SMP and everyone raised both hands while jumping up and down.

If your company really doesn’t want you, they will get rid of you by any means possible. Even if it means sending your ass to work in Las Vegas.

4. Know your Borders/Lanes
You have to “test the waters” and see what your higher ups react to or not. Every time your higher ups do not react, you have to keep pushing little by little and continually see what you can and cannot get away with.

5. Evade Everything.
By default, you should be avoiding everything. By everything, I mean everything. Higher ups, working parties, volunteering, etc. Remember that hard work brings about more hard work. Here are some ways that can help you evade everything:

* “Taking a dump” and sleeping on the toilet.
* Sleeping in the supply closet.
* Sleeping in another person’s work area.
* Sleeping behind the dumpster.

Remember to keep your cell phone on just in case they ask you where you are. If you don’t, you risk facing paperwork.

6. Lie, lie, and lie some more.
Always have an alibi and excuse for whatever you are doing at that exact moment. Excuses are key! If you’re not doing something, make something up. Perpetually pretend your looking for something or someone.

To get high pros and cons with minimal effort, you have to pretend that you’re working. Just log on to a computer and whenever someone asks if you’re busy just say the following lines:

“Yes, I’ll be done in five minutes. I just need to look up MCO 1234.”

7. Take your Time
Again, hard work brings about more hard work. If you receive some work that takes 10 minutes to complete, you’ll want to complete it in 5 hours. The longer you drag on a task, the less tasks you will receive that day and in the future.

To become a master skater, you must appear not to be a skater. Deception is everything.

By employing the “Evade everything” and “Knowing my borders” tool, I was able to successfully evade my company for 30 whole bullshit-free days without anyone knowing or caring. When I had to return from doing TAD, I didn’t really seek any initiative to report to my company. I had 30 days on Okinawa left, and I knew my company was disorganized as hell, so I tried to see if I could skate hardcore and I was able to get away with it.

I asked the BEQ manager if I could live on the first floor because I left in 30 days. Great success! My company lived on the fourth floor. So far, “evading everyone” just got exponentially easier. Also my room was unmarked so no one could find me.

Under the guise of “checking out,” I was able to get out of every single formation, working party, meeting for 30 days. I never had to report in to anyone. They told me to, but I “tested the waters” and tried to see if I could get away with it. I did that day and the next and the next and the next…

Did I care? No. Did my higher ups care? Well, they certainly can’t care for a problem that they don’t know about.

Before the day I had to leave, a Sergeant was onto my game. I got out of a buddy’s room, a buddy who was also skating hardcore, and there just so happened to be a Sergeant from our company. He interrogated me. I can’t remember what we talked about, but I do remember the pissed-off face he had on while he was talking to me. There was nothing he could do to me because I left Okinawa the next day.

Stoffel said :

“pros and cons. sorry, I make it a game to make up acronyms at work and use them frequently. I’ve found if no one knows what your acronyms mean and you have an excel spreadsheet with lots of colors and bold lines, everyone thinks your busy. That, and a track ball mouse with lots of buttons. No body wants to take your computer then.”

If you’re going to try to do something with two underaged females, don’t do it in the barracks room. If you’re going to do anything wrong, just do it away from the barracks. Whether it’s doing the nasty or smoking a crack pipe, just don’t do it in the barracks.

I don’t even know why people bother to do bad things in the barracks. People would rather save a few bucks now at the cost of increased risk. Well, when your ass gets NJP’d, you’re going to be paying time, money, and respect.

By going off base, you will dramatically reduce your chances of getting caught doing anything.

Also, you’re not supposed to be pimpin’ in the barracks especially when you’re married!

Whenever I would ask questions, like I’m told to do if I don’t know anything, I would often get bitched at. I would be cast aside and labeled a retard. Looking back at it, I’ve often wondered why my higher ups often avoided questions. I’ve come to believe that they just wanted to avoid answering any questions for fear of showing their lack of knowledge.

I would always get fed some bullshit like, “You should know this already,” and, “Did you go to THIS GUY? No? Then get the fuck out of my face!”

However, if they do give you an answer, and they don’t know the answer, they will lie. Google everything they say. Question everything your higher ups say. If anything sounds weird, write it down on your notepad and google it later. Knowing nothing is better than false knowledge.

How do our higher ups manage to pick up rank and know so little about their MOS? They’re the ones that kiss ass and work very close to their higher ups. They’re the ones that are usually put in the office jobs doing a lot of non-MOS related work. And then when they’re the ones who get promoted, they’re the ones that talk the talk about how they worked here and there, but in reality, they didn’t do shit.

That’s all these shitty higher ups can do. Talk about how great they are, and it’s all lies! I had a fat Sergeant tell me about how he’s a PT stud but he just so happens to have a broken leg and a beer belly. I don’t understand how one can be that delusional as to believe their own lies. And people do believe them.

Since they refuse outright to put themselves in a situation that is naturally uncomfortable due to lack of experience or ignorance, this is the Marine they become throughout their career. The “easy way out” Marine. In the end, they think the USMC is easy and stay in as ignorant SNCOS.

Proficiency and conduct marks can make or break your Marine Corps career. It decides who gets promoted and who doesn’t. It counts for over 50% of your cutting score. And you know who writes them? It could be my Sergeant, or it could be my SNCO. Most of the time, I have no clue, because no one ever tells me.

Whenever you receive pro/con marks, you’re supposed to receive a counseling. It’s a sheet of paper that says, “These are your pros/cons. These are the reasons why you got them. These are some suggestions to improve them.” Speaking of counselings, you’re supposed to receive monthly counselings and counselings whenever you get pros/cons. In my Marine Corps career, I’ve received only 5 counselings. If you want me to improve myself, what do you want me to do? I don’t know everything!

You may think that it’s my fault, but let me ask you a question. Is it my job to make sure my boss does his? And besides, it’s not like I’m going to die if I don’t receive a counseling. I got shit to do.

I remember my Sergeants constantly hounding the Corporals to make sure that the junior Marines get their counselings. The junior Marines will be taken care off regardless of what the Sergeants do or say, but what about the corporals? As usual, the Sergeants are MIA when it comes to doing routine counselings for Corporals.

Anyways, I digress.

The thing about pros/cons is that it sounds good on paper. You have a boss that oversees you and gives you pros/cons depending on how well you do.

The thing is though, if your boss never bothers to see what you’re doing because he’s a lazy fuck, what the hell is he supposed to give you? And usually, you will be working for lazy fucks who play favorites. So they will give you whatever they feel like giving you. If their vagina hurts that day, they will give you some crappy pros and cons without any counseling or any reason.

I knew a go-to Marine that does nothing but good work. He was a few minutes late one day and got a negative counseling for it. A few weeks later, it was revealed that his lateness, not his hard work, defined his low pros and cons. This is bullshit.

One day, when all the lower-downs received low pros and cons, somewhere in the range of 4.0 – 4.2, I questioned my Staff Sergeant about it since our Sergeant Major and CO told our company how great we were doing.

That comic above is the same conversation I had with him. I could see how uncomfortable he was. He was rubbing the back of his head like it was going to help him think of more bullshit to spew out of his mouth.

He promised us all higher pros and cons later. A few months later, he gives me lower pro/con marks than before and flies off to Okinawa without informing anyone. Fucking fantastic.

All of my SNCOs would swear to everyone that they would go by the book. But few can even cite which Marine Corps Order talks about Pros and Cons. I would ask and they would always “challenge me” to look it up. That MCO is called the Individual Records Administration Manual (IRAM). Don’t go off whatever bullshit the SNCOs make up and throw in your face. Here is the MCO for you to see.

When I was finally deployed to Afghanistan, after years of trying, I was excited. I just got to a new unit and they just slapped me on to this detachment after just a few weeks. Awesome, I thought. Little did I know, my higher ups were major-league douchebags. They were more worried about their careers and about everyone looking pretty than actually helping us do our jobs.

In the Corps, functionality is often trumped by appearance.

Shit can be as fucked up as a football bat, but if it sparkles and looks pretty, then apparently, all is well. In Afghanistan, I got bitched at because my uniform was dusty, and my boots were dirty and torn. I’m not sure if my higher ups see this but… Afghanistan is the dustiest fucking place on planet Earth.

Maybe if my higher ups didn’t concern themselves with trivial shit, operations might have run a bit more smoothly. One can dream, right?

I find it highly suspicious that one random guy in the Navy, that I worked near, offered more advice and help to me than all of my Sergeants and Staff NCOs throughout the entire seven month deployment.

My higher ups didn’t know to do their jobs. To hide this deficiency, they went around making stupid shit up and pestering junior Marines about the most garrison-like shit. All in this active war zone.

At one point in the deployment, I thought I had it figured out. I figured our planes didn’t go straight to Afghanistan, but instead, circled around for hours and then landed somewhere in the middle of Nevada. The Generals stuck all of us here and ordered all the SNCOs to play nothing but fuck-fuck games on us to see when someone would suck start our rifle.

When I was leaving Camp Pendleton, I saw a new barracks being built across the street. There was a sign in front of that area that listed a bunch of details. On it was a picture of what appeared to be a model of a Ritz-Carlton Hotel. Under that was, “Cost : 124 Million.” And these barracks never get completed. If they do get completed, it certainly won’t be on your enlistment!

Meanwhile, our barracks would be rotting itself to hell.

Can’t the bureaucrats just split that money among the current barracks that are falling apart instead of having Marines spend their own money fixing shit that they don’t need to be fixing? My neighbor’s ceiling collapsed because the guy above him had his toilet explode and flood his floor. During that month, everyone’s toilet was exploding.

In Okinawa, my entire company was moved to another barracks next door. Holy shit, that barracks was so fucking disgusting. There was mold everywhere. I mean, that shit would be growing on the ceiling, the floor, the walls, in your refrigerator, in the bathtub, I mean everywhere. One of my Marines thought he had a dead guy in his tub. It was a hard-fought battle, but in the end, we won against the mold. If you see mold, kill it with bleach before it fucks your shit up.

I think it’s funny how we’re all supposed to be “amphibious” since we guard boats, but there is a significant amount of Marines who can’t really swim. I know every Marine had to pass boot camp, and in order to pass boot camp, you had to have passed swim qual. I had a guy in my platoon who was prior service Navy, and he couldn’t swim or shoot.

A lot of people who joined the Corps came from cities or from neighborhoods where you never grew up near a pool or an ocean. Every swim qual, I’m always there at the end of the line with a bunch of minorities, and we’re all waiting for some miracle that we’ll all pass swim qual.

During one swim qual, I saw my Staff Sergeant on the diving board. I yelled at him, “You can do it!” He looked down into the deep water. His head shook left and right. There was a pause… and then… he turned around and got of the board. I was confused. He can do that?! At this point, my Sergeant told me it was time for me to leave.

Military life is tough on marriages. With the man being away for most of the time, the wife is often left alone and driven insane by the loneliness. With both the spouses being away most of the time, this leads to a higher chance of infidelity and divorce.

Here’s a typical story:

The wife cheats on the husband. The husband confronts his wife about it. The wife threatens to take the kids and take everything he’s got. The husband loses his shit and pimp-slaps her. Next thing you know, PMO is over their ass like stink on shit.

Once that ring goes on that woman’s finger, there’s a good chance that she’ll become a different person. I’ve never been married before, but I have heard the same things about marriage over and over again. None of it sounds good at all.

If you want to get married, don’t do it in the military. There is a high chance that you two will be divorced.

In Okinawa, I’ve always wondered why grown men have to follow a curfew. Okinawa isn’t exactly a dangerous place after midnight. It isn’t like it’s ridden with rapists and criminals who are going to come out of the bushes and harm us. I know cause they’re all Marines!

It’s even more ironic how the grown men, who are treated like children, are the men and women entrusted to guard our nation and handle billions of dollars worth of taxpayer money.

But, of course, the greatest of ideas that spawn from our wonderful, militaristic bureaucracy comes not from necessity but from reaction. I wonder how many alcohol related incidents it took to set off the higher ups to implement this child-like punishment? How many cars had to be flipped? How many houses broken into? How many out-of-town bar fights?

I’ve seen a few Marines go out of town and come back a few minutes late. I’m talking about good Marines that don’t cause any trouble. Who knows why they’re late? Maybe they lost track of time. Maybe they were helping some other fellow Marine get into a taxi. Whatever the case is, these Marines were late by 5-10 minutes and checked in. No one was harmed.

Instead of just letting these Marines go, no mercy is given by the higher ups. I’ve seen Marines get NJP’d for being a minute late! This curfew is childish and only seeks to belittle and punish those who haven’t done anything truly wrong in the first place.

Drinking too much alcohol and flipping private property over since 1775.

If you don’t want to get fucked over in the Marine Corps, you need to suck miles of dick and kiss an endless amount of ass. I remember my old Staff Sergeant just bowing down to the will of high-ranking enlisted he didn’t even have to please. He pleased them by making us do their work, work we didn’t have to do. These higher ups weren’t even in our section.

Why else would higher ups sell their Marines down the river? To make us look good? No! The higher ups would rather advance their career by pleasing THEIR higher ups at the expense of others.

A Sergeant told me that when you become a Sergeant, it’s nothing but politics. There’s nothing but backstabbing. It’s a game on who can stab who in the back faster in order to reach that next rank. Higher ups only have so much time until they get forcefully kicked out of the Corps. So they will do everything in their power to get promoted like a dying fish out of water. In the end, you don’t have good leaders who can lead, but shitty leaders who only got their job by fucking over other people.

In the Corps, it doesn’t matter how much work you do, because you’re not going to get what you want. If you want something, you need to be buddy-buddies with higher ups. Marine Corps Rule Number One : If you want the dick out of your ass, put it in your mouth.

Ok before we get going let me just say right off the bat, that I don’t have a problem with gays (as long as they don’t try to hit on me we’ll have no problems). In fact, I’m rather supportive of gays, the way I see it, one gay couple frees up two women for me! So yeah, I’m not trying to do a gay-bashing piece and I hope this doesn’t devolve into one.

Now that that’s out of the way, I want to follow up by saying that this is a true story. Our hero Steven is basically my roommate and myself rolled into one (maybe not the best choice of words…) and the girl is a civilian friend of ours (who will remain nameless). She came to our door one night earlier this week with this completely horrified look on her face. So of course naturally we asked what was wrong and she recounted the story above with some extra details that I didn’t have room for.

What really hit me about this entire experience is, after she was done telling her story, I still found myself waiting for the horrifying part. She was appalled, shocked, stunned, bewildered, and otherwise freaked out, and I was still waiting for it to get bad. And then it hit me, we’ve all been around this kind of stuff for so long that we just kind of become accustomed to it and it loses the shock after a while. We’re used to guys doing the most blatantly homosexual stuff possible, and excusing it simply with “No homo” or “It’s not gay if you’re wearing boot bands” while in reality it’s still gay.

So while she’s sitting there horrified, responding like any normal human being would respond if she discovered her significant other to be homosexual I’m just sitting there thinking “yeah Marines are dumb.” Eventually after hearing the story for about the 3rd time that night something got through to me and I kind of snapped out of it and realized that the whole situation really was messed up, and then I was just upset that it took me that long to realize just how messed up the whole situation really was and that’s when I decided to do this comic.

Looking back on it, I think this is why the whole “Don’t Ask” policy went away so easily, because the vast majority of the Marine Corps had already been doing that stuff, just now it’s actually ok and condoned by the DoD. I’m pretty sure that the only reason the Corps wanted to keep it around is because it went with the Marine Corps’ persona of being a bunch of “Alpha males” who “don’t tolerate no homo shit” or some such assorted lunacy.

Let me say again, I don’t have a problem with people being gay, but seriously, either act straight, or own up to being gay.

To be awarded the Bronze Star, one does not need to be in combat. Silver Star and above? Sure. But not the Bronze Star.

The military used to hand it out like candy during the Vietnam War to officers.

According to the link below, this medal is: a personal decoration originally intended for valorous service. By the end of the 20th Century it was being given out for many non-combat acts, it even became known as the “officers’ good conduct medal”. The value of the award was deflated so much that a metal “V” device to be worn on the medal’s suspension ribbon was issued to indicate valor.

http://www.answers.com/topic/bronze-star-medal

Today, in order to get a bronze star for combat, you have to do something worth a Silver Star. And to get a silver star, you need to do something worth a Navy Cross.

Today, the US only has 3 living Medal of Honor recipients after almost a decade of fighting in 2 wars.

If you’re still in the Corps, and it’s your first term, please don’t re-enlist. I promise you that you will most likely regret it.

Get out and use your Post 9/11 GI Bill. The post 9/11 GI Bill pays for your tuition, your books, and then it gives you Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) at the rate of an E-5 with dependents. The BAH is set at that rate and it doesn’t matter if you got out as a Private or a Gunny. What matters is if you got an honorable discharge or not, because if you don’t have it, then you can’t use this wonderful bill.

“This benefit provides up to 36 months of education benefits, generally benefits are payable for 15 years following your release from active duty.” These 36 months of benefits can be broken up and used here and there.

As a civilian going to school, I get paid more and I don’t have to deal with any stupid bullshit. Uncle Sam got his. You should get yours. If you’re about to re-enlist, think about it. Do you really want to risk your freedom and find out if your next term is going to be better?

Marines love to drink so much that they celebrate everything by drinking a lot. This sounds fine and dandy, but once you’ve seen the monsters that come out on special holidays, like Christmas, then you won’t be so sure. When people drink too much, you may find out that they may have split personalities. I’ve personally seen alcoholism bring out the inner demon (retardation) within.

I remember seeing one of my Corporals coming to the morning accountability formation still drunk from last night. He was normally a very chill person, but with alcohol, the demon possessed him to start some shit in the formation.

You’ve got to be careful who you drink with in the Corps. If your buddy gets too drunk and stupid, you can’t just leave your buddy’s ass on the street. Because if you do, he’s going to start blabbermouthing a bunch of shit about your ass to PMO. Next thing you know, you’re getting NJP’d for shit you didn’t even do. Guilty through association.

If you’re celebrating Christmas in the Marine Corps, please don’t overdo the alcohol. You may wake up in a prison cell or find out that you have to register as a sex offender for life.

Celebrating Christmas by passing out drunk on the floor in a puddle of our own puke since 1775.

What isn’t great is the fact that US politicians want to start some shit with Iran, a ghetto nation, because they’re all afraid that they’re going to have nuclear weapons. Another reason that these politicians want to start a war with Iran is because the Iranians have their spy drone. But why was it there in the first place? Why was this US drone spying on a sovereign nation? What if another nation was spying on us with a drone?

Even though the war in Iraq is over, there are still alot of wars that we’re fighting. One is the war in Afghanistan that the media hardly mentions. Not a picture. Not even a troop casualty report. Not shit.

The White house has asked the Pentagon for advice on the hand-off to Afghan control possibly in 2014. TWO THOUSAND FOURTEEN. This nation is broke as hell with $15 trillion in debt. We are the largest debtor in the world. While our own citizens starve on the very streets that they were kicked out into, trillions of dollars are being wasted overseas to fight an endless war with no objective.

Where do the politicians get the money? They borrow, devalue the currency, and they tax heavily. They borrow from our children’s future. They create money out of thin air at the cost of diluting the current dollars in supply. They tax heavily, and drive people out of their homes and businesses out of existence.

This must end one day or another. Hopefully, it doesn’t end with the collapse of the US empire.

In case your wondering where the Marines are in this comic, they’re some in the audience, I guess. The Marines left Iraq in Jan 2010.

On my flight from Okinawa to California, I just so happened to sit next to a Marine. We talked for some time until he talked about how he got NJP’d for a DUI. Normally, I don’t feel sorry for those who get DUIs in the Corps, because we all get warned every single fucking Friday for the rest of our god damn careers not to get a DUI. And if you are in danger of getting a DUI, there’s a whole freaking system put into place so that you don’t get a freaking DUI. Call a buddy! Use an Arrive Alive card! Pass out in the alley behind the bar!

This story just so happened to be a little different. This Marine had a few drinks too many and made a semi-conscious decision that he was going to pass out in his car, because he was too drunk. Some hours pass and a police officer finds him in his car. Some more days pass and he’s standing in front of a judge in a civilian court. The judge lets him go because they have no evidence that he was driving drunk. Case closed. End of story, right? WRONG!

His command in the Marine Corps heard of his little incident and they throw the fucking book at him! Here is a man who was just found innocent in a legitimate legal system just outside of his base being prosecuted again for the same crime! Did this man live in two countries at once? It sure well seems like it! They NJP’d him and took his rank and hundreds of dollars.

I don’t understand why his command didn’t leave him alone. He lost his rank and hundreds of dollars over a DUI without even driving. It’s like going to prison for murder without even committing murder! Unfortunately, these things happen more often than they should.

The current military justice system is filled with SNCOs and Officers who are NJP happy for some strange reason. They just love burning Marines even though they really shouldn’t. Some Marines make honest mistakes like drinking underage. Do we really want to destroy their motivation at such an early rank over something as miniscule as this?

The military justice system’s motto should be one of the following:
“Where DNA is fantasy.”
“Bend over and take it.”
“You’re going to lose.”
“No evidence? No problem!”
“Guilty until proven innocent”

Being proved innocent in civilian courts only to be found guilty in military courts since 1775.

I had this one guy in my platoon who popped for drugs on his piss test. His “career” went downhill real fast. He lost rank and became a PFC. As time went along, his life seemed to get worse and worse. He would constantly miss restriction appointments, was always late for everything, and would bad mouth the higher ups right in their face. It wasn’t long until he became a private. He honestly didn’t give a fuck.

One cold morning formation, I remember our company Gunny asking why this private missed his restriction check in again. He called the private up to the formation and told him to “pack his shit up” for the brig.

Several months later, I saw him again. I asked him how the brig was and he said that it was like a resort. I asked what he did and he replied that he slept and ate all day and did absolutely nothing. I asked if there was any bullshit and he said, “No!”

Man, that made me want to go to the brig, but seeing how I had less than 6 months left in the Corps, it would be border-line retarded.

I think it’s sad that people would rather willingly go to the brig than to stay at my company.

Marines believe that the brig is a place where things like “dropping the soap” and “sleeping with your butthole tight” are common place. This is far from reality. The brig guards are constantly watched over and if there is even a hint of maltreatment going on in the brig, there will be investigations up the asshole. So the brig nowadays is a place where Marines can just chill out.

Troop welfare were just words to my higher ups. They would tell everyone that they look out for their Marines but that’s all they would do. My old gunny used to say that shit all the time. Hell, he used to say a lot of other shit, but in the end, he was all talk.

More power is given with more rank and sometimes higher ups just abuse that power. My higher ups would always take care of themselves before they took care of their junior Marines. My higher ups were always first for everything good and last for everything bad.

They need to get promoted as fast as possible so that they don’t get kicked out of the Marine Corps due to service limitations. Higher ups are willing to sell their junior Marines down the river for promotions. They don’t care about “troop welfare.” If my fellow Marines needed something, we were always viewed as pests, as a major hindrance in the lives of “royalty.”

One day when my platoon was driving to work, we encountered our two favorite SNCOs, SSGT Tweedlefuckingdee and Gunnery Sergeant Tweedlefuckingduumb. They were driving in their SUV and they stopped us.

Sergeant : Hey. What’s up?
SSGT : We need you to do: this, this, this, this, and this.
Sergeant : Well, if we’re going to do all that, we won’t be able to get chow. Can you pick it up for us?
SSGT doesn’t respond.
SSGT looks back at Gunny who gives him the “The fuck are you looking at me for?” look.
SSGT : We’ll see.

They never got us chow.

They couldn’t even afford to waste a few minutes out of their day to get us basic shit like chow. What was their job that was so important? Their job was to punch numbers into a computer but that’s not what it said on their Fitness Reports.

Stuff like this may seem trivial but it’s more important than one may think.

During my last few months of my active duty service, I was forced to do a bunch of unnecessary annual training that otherwise could have been taken by people who needed it.

I was put on rifle range during my last 4 months in the Corps for some reason. I needed to check out but they said that I’ll be able to check out after the Rifle Range, swim qual, gas chamber, a PFT, a CFT, the list went on and on. It was a bunch of lies.

I turned in my CIF gear as soon I could so they couldn’t get me to do anything.

A guy in my platoon had two months left in the Corps. Instead of letting him check out of the Corps, they put him on the rifle range. So he went up to the CO of our company and the CO yelled at him.

CO : What?! You have two months left?! So what! You have two months left to train! Get the fuck out of my office!

I could have EAS’d 3 months earlier if it wasn’t for my company trying to keep everyone, including the short-timers, busy just for the sake of looking busy. Is it so wrong for the short-timers to do their own thing and check out? I mean, they have 6 months left in the Corps! They don’t have enough time to do anything or go anywhere! Just leave them alone!

Doing unnecessary training while checking out of the Corps since 1775.

There’s nothing quite like wasting a lot of hours doing nothing during working hours and then being called back to work only to do shit you could have done earlier that day or the next day.

In the USMC, you’re always on the clock. You get paid for breathing.No one gives a shit about you and your social life. Officers and SNCOs will keep you beyond normal hours because they fucked up the scheduling or just because they felt like it. Maybe they don’t want to go back to their abusive wives? Who knows.

On one normal Friday evening, my platoon was released from work and we all went home. An hour later, my entire platoon was called back to work so that we could all fill out a stupid fucking post-deployment health assessment form. Was it so fucking important that the entire platoon just HAD to be recalled back to work? Was someone going to die during the time period of 1630 of that day to 0800 the next day? Couldn’t have put that off for a few more hours?! I just don’t understand this shit!

Once you’ve been released from work, you better start guzzling that sweet nectar out of that bottle of whisky. If you’re drunk, you can’t be recalled back to do some stupid shit. Best escape plan ever.

When I joined the USMC, I didn’t think it was going to be like Call of Duty. But, FUCK! I didn’t expect it to be a life where half my day is wasted by doing ABSOLUTELY fucking nothing.

This was my typical day in the Marine Corps.

Wake up at negative zero hundred, puke my brains out, go to “work” and sleep, go wait on line at the chow hall forever, “work” some more, get released, turn off my cellphone so I don’t get recalled, go wait in line at the chow hall, drink heavily and then SCENE MISSING.

At work, all I did was find places to sleep. I would sleep in my company’s bathroom, other platoon’s sections, cleaning closet, and yes… I did sleep underneath the Lieutenant’s desk one day. It’s not like my LT uses it, haha.

I didn’t care anymore. I had less than 6 months left and I just wanted to use all my terminal leave and use the full amount of VEERP, but my company kept making me do stupid shit. So I just started half assing everything everyday.

If I did too much work, I would have gotten more work with no reward. If I did too little work, I’d get in trouble. With all that in mind, I just bare-minimumed everything. PFT? Border-line First Class. CFT? Border-line first Class. Training? Borderline passing. Shit to do? Never volunteer.

It’s surprising to find that some Marines would actually prefer duty than go to the Marine Corps Ball. The ball isn’t THAT bad. Usually you have to go to the ball or else go on a working party.

Marine Corps Balls usually consist of wearing your dress blues (Or Service Alphas for the cheap skates), singing the Marine Corps hymn, saying Oorah a lot , and drinking enough alcohol to get sent to the nearest hospital to get one’s stomach pumped.

I remember on one Marine Corps ball, I had a chat with the platoon drunkard. He was plastered and this was before the whole ceremony even began. He had his dress blues collar undone and couldn’t stand in one place for too long without tipping over.

“The Fifth Amendment (Amendment V) to the United States Constitution, which is part of the Bill of Rights, protects against abuse of government authority in a legal procedure. Its guarantees stem from English common law which traces back to the Magna Carta in 1215. For instance, grand juries and the phrase due process (also found in the 14th Amendment) both trace their origin to the Magna Carta.”

In the civilian world, double jeopardy prevents a guy from getting charged twice for the same crime. This protects the right of the civilian. If a trial by jury or judge finds the defendant innocent, then he is innocent. End of story. Imagine if you had to go for trial for one crime, many times. It would be ridiculous.

Also in the civilian world, self-incrimination is looked down upon. People have the “right to remain silent” to prevent self-incrimination.

In this comic, I have demonstrated that through the use of lying, Shitbag Steve was tricked to incriminate himself. Not only was he punished in the civilian world for a speeding ticket, he will be punished by the military. He will probably end up losing his rank, hundreds of dollars and will most definitely end up on restriction where his barracks room turns into his own personal jail cell for several months.

Shitbag Steve can’t plead the fifth in this situation. Pleading the fifth in the Corps would be like saying, “Hey! I’m guilty, Staff Sergeant! Put me on duty and shit work because I love wasting my time and sanity on shit like that!”

If you think this comic is unrealistic, you must be high as shit because this sort of nonsense happens all the time. Hell, it happened to several of my fellow Marines. I honestly tell my fellow Marines not to tell me if they’ve done anything bad. If higher ups ask me about something bad a junior Marine has done, I usually tell them that I don’t know.

How do higher ups benefit from fucking over Marines who have already been punished reasonably by civilian courts? They gain absolutely nothing! They just feel compelled to punish the Marine even more because if they personally don’t do anything at all, they’ll feel as if they’re letting things slide. They fail to look at the fact that the Marine was already punished appropriately by the civilian courts.

This method of excessive punishment and trickery only work to decrease trust in the higher ups.

Nine times out of ten, the higher ups will fuck their juniors over. This is why Marines don’t tell their higher ups that they got speeding tickets and other such problems. They don’t trust their higher ups and with good reason!

“The Fourth Amendment (Amendment IV) to the United States Constitution is the part of the Bill of Rights which guards against unreasonable searches and seizures, along with requiring any warrant to be judicially sanctioned and supported by probable cause. It was adopted as a response to the abuse of the writ of assistance, which is a type of general search warrant, in the American Revolution. Search and arrest should be limited in scope according to specific information supplied to the issuing court, usually by a law enforcement officer, who has sworn by it.”

If there’s one thing higher ups love doing, it would be fucking junior Marines over. One such tool that they can do this is through surprise “Health and comfort inspections.” This is when the higher ups can barge into your room and look to see how you’re living. It’s also an opportunity for them to catch you with your pants down so that they can charge you for shit like having one too many bottles of alcohol.

One day, my higher ups did a surprise health and comfort inspection when everyone was at work. They confiscated my unopened bottle of Grey Goose since it was “unsecure.” It was in my drawer and I was of age.

I used to keep bottles and bottles of alcohol. Unfortunately, I’m only allowed to keep a small amount of alcohol due to dumb USMC rules. Many Marines, like me, don’t follow this rule. They just simply have all the extra alcohol locked up in their wall locker.

A guy in my squad got busted for keeping spice out all over his barracks room. How’d the authorities find out? Health and Comfort, mother fuckers!

As far as I know, your higher ups cannot look through your shit if it’s locked. There’s supposed to be a certain degree of privacy. But… since you don’t own the barracks you live in, you shouldn’t expect any level of real privacy. Only a high ranking officer, with a reasonable cause, can truly look through your locked shit. If your Sergeant tries to do so and throws rank, just throw request mast.

“The Third Amendment (Amendment III) to the United States Constitution is a part of the United States Bill of Rights. It was introduced on September 5, 1789, and then three quarters of the states ratified this as well as 9 other amendments on December 15, 1791. It prohibits, in peacetime, the quartering of soldiers in private homes without the owner’s consent. It makes quartering legally permissible in wartime only, and then only according to law.”

This nation is not in a formally declared war. The last formally declared war was for World War 2.

Since we’re technically not in war, imagine if a bunch of soldiers forced their way into your home and said, “Hey. We’re going to stay here.” I know I would be pissed.

For Marines, we don’t live in a private area. We are forced to live in the barracks, unless married, and follow whatever rules are forced on to us. If my Sergeant knocked on my door and said, “These 3 guys are going to live with you,” I wouldn’t be able to argue with him or fight the system. I wouldn’t be able to get up and leave. I would have to just accept it.

Many Marines don’t accept it. So they get married to move out of the barracks.

“The Second Amendment (Amendment II) to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms.”

I think it’s ironic that US Marines were trained to kill with the finest and most modern weapons that this planet can produce, but, for just some reason, we’re not trusted enough to keep guns in our barracks room.

The USMC higher ups claim that it would be stupid to allow firearms to be in the barracks room of Marines because they might do something stupid. It’s as if we’re all treated like children.

There will always be those onesies and twosies that fuck everything up. This doesn’t mean that everyone is a fuck up.

In the Marine Corps, your constitutional rights are somewhat… non-existent. When you enlist in any branch of the military, you have to take an oath to protect the constitution from all enemies both foreign and domestic. But what exactly is the constitution? I’m sure if you’ve asked any member of the military, they probably wouldn’t know that much. No one is forced to read it. So it’s not surprising if many Marines have gone through their career without reading it.

But of course, we all have a general idea of what it is.

The constitution with the bill of rights says what the government can and cannot do. It also lists the basic rights that citizens of the United States have. It is the supreme law of the United States of America.

If you’re a Marine, I recommend you take about 30 minutes out of your day and read the “Original Text” section of the article linked above. It’s honestly not that long.

In the next series of comics, I will draw and write about how the USMC pretty much shits over the basic rights of Marines.

Wikipedia says:

“The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution is part of the Bill of Rights. The amendment prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances.”

In the Marine Corps, you can’t protest any wrongdoings that your chain of command may have been doing without any problems. Request Mast is there for Marines with serious issues but hell, it’ll sometimes get “shot down,” which nobody in the Corps is allowed to do if the problem is legitimate. Even if you suggest requesting mast, your command will do everything in their power to make your life miserable as if you are the very source of the problem that you may be trying to address.

If someone said that my mother was a whore, I would, at the very least, say “Fuck you.” In the Corps, you don’t have freedom in speech. One day, my SSGT called me a retard because I couldn’t prevent another unit from losing their secret documents. Gee golly whiz! I didn’t know it was my job to make sure Marines from a whole different unit didn’t lose their own secret documents.

If I told the SSGT, “Fuck you,” I would have lost my rank, hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and I would have had to pay for it physically for the rest of my time under his charge.

I knew a guy that got NJP’d for looking at his SSGT the wrong way. The SSGT was pissing this Lance Corporal off and then this Lance Corporal just didn’t say anything back. He just stood there and gave his SSGT a blank stare. He got NJP’d for “having an attitude,” and became a PFC the next week.

I love how all the Marines were trained to use deadly weapons to fight for war but for just some reason we’re not allowed to all get black belts. In order to even get a green belt, you have to achieve a certain rank or get a waiver. I mean, what kind of bullshit is this?

I was at this USMC barbeque (not a mandatory fun day) and I saw two drunk Marines playfully wrestling in the grass. Unfortunately, one of them twisted the other’s ankle to the point where he needed to go on light duty for 2 weeks.

The Marine Corps likes to punish 90% of the people for whatever the 10% has done or maybe will do. Even if the entire organization will benefit more than suffer, the higher ups will enact mass punishment.

In the future, I will talk more about MCMAP and how impossible it is to find a MCMAP instructor who is WILLING to teach you.

First of all, no K didn’t do this one, he contacted me on Ihatetheusmc.com and asked if I would be interested and I told him I’d give it a shot. One weekend duty later, here’s what I came up with. I realize that I’m no Max Uriarte (The “Terminal Lance” guy) but I feel that I’ve gotten my point across.

I’ve always found the concept of the Safety Stand-down to be peculiar at best (downright ridiculous at worst). Never in my 21 years of life have I ever supposed that a group of 18 – 20 something year olds would abuse their spouses/girlfriends, become alcoholics, drink & drive, or even commit suicide, simply because no one had ever told them it was a bad idea.

This seems however, to be a widespread belief up at Headquarters Marine Corps. Not only do the fine folks at HQMC believe that we need to be given these classes, they believe that we need to take the SAME classes every year, just so we don’t forget. What’s more, if you’re stationed in Japan, (or select other countries around the world) you get the rare treat of watching the Armed Forces Network on TV. This wonderful collection of stations replaces normal commercials with wonderful, government-sponsored commercials about such fascinating topics as: government vehicle misuse, skateboarding in uniform, general and special powers of attorney, core values, code of conduct, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, and (for the children) a wonderful piece on how to get on and off of a school bus without getting ran over.

But I digress.

So at least once a year (depending on the unit sometimes considerably more) the entire battalion files into the Chapel/base theater/wherever to receive the same dull, uninteresting class that they all received last year. Never once does it occur to HQMC that maybe there’s a cause to all of these problems; that perhaps there’s a source of hate and discontentment that drives these Marines to do these things. But what could this source be? Certainly not the Marine Corps! Not that perfect, smooth-running, war fighting machine that everyone up in Headquarters has been a part of for 20 – 40 years or more! So obviously the problem is that these younger Marines have just never been told that these things are bad ideas, so as soon as they are informed that these are bad ideas the problems will go away. Yay! Promotions for everyone!

If what I have just written seems ridiculous in the highest degree to you, don’t worry you’re not alone. You see, to me this is all simple cause and effect:

Every time a Marine makes a mistake, he is verbally berated often accompanied by punishment in the form of physical labor. So everytime his spouse/girlfriend makes a mistake he verbally berates her, accompanied by punishment in the form of physical abuse.

A Marine gets constantly “fucked with” during the week with Field Day and other assorted BS that shouldn’t really matter. So they get “fucked up” at every opportunity they get.

Marines get PT’d until they die, so they decide that they’d rather die than be PT’d any more.

You see? Basic cause and effect.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe that there should be consequences for actions, that Marines should be in shape, that they shouldn’t be living in squalor, and that they should be able to enjoy a beer or 2 or 3. But the Marine Corps does all of these things excessively to put it mildly. And I also believe that some of these classes serve a valid purpose. For example, we once had a Safety Stand-down, because Marines hadn’t been using chock blocks on 7-tons and trailers. Most of the drivers in the unit weren’t Motor T, so not knowing to use the chocks was somewhat understandable and the class is useful. Another example being water safety, because not everyone is familiar with ocean tides so it’s a sensible warning to give. However, the one class that is conspicuously absent from these annual training classes is “How To Treat Your Marines Like Human Beings.”

Seriously, how many spouses wouldn’t be abused if the Marine was accustomed to the punishment fitting the crime, and if only the Marine who committed the crime was punished? How many alcohol related incidents and drug pops wouldn’t occur if Marines were allowed to come to work, do their jobs, and then leave at the end of the day, rather than being constantly fucked with and denied time with their families? How many of the platoon’s worth of Marines who took their own lives last year would still be alive today if they were treated with just the tiniest bit of civility and human decency at some point during their enlistment?

There, I’ll step of my soap box now, if you were hoping for a lighthearted, funny comic, sorry to disappoint but I feel that this needed to be said.

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