Created by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts

“Once upon a time there were three beautiful girls who went to the police academy, and they were each assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that and now they work for me. My name is Charlie.”
–spoken intro to each and every show.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS was either the greatest discrepancy between quality and popularity known to television, or simply good, clean, escapist entertainment, spray-painted with seventies-style female “empowerment.”

It did have a sort of style, I guess: the slick music and the sharp clothes of, say, Peter Gunn, replaced by the hairspray, the nipples and the crazed rapist-of-the-week. But this was, more than anything, the “archetypal jiggle show.” It was really awful, really.

Or awfully fun.

The premise was simple enough: three female police academy grads from Los Angeles, bored with the dull, non-challenging duties so many policewomen were saddled with at the time, are recruited by the mysterious but wealthy Charie Townshend of Townshend Investigations to be his operatives.

Me? I’m still not convinced it was any kind of real blow for sisterhood, or any kind of improvment on the image of women, as the cast and crew originally, laughingly contended. The Angels’ chief M.O. was to go undercover, which meant that over the course of the series they went incognito in such shockingly non-traditional female roles as fashion models, inmates in a women’s prison, playmate centerfolds, nurses, massage parlour workers, exotic dancers, figure skaters, beauty contestants, stewardesses (Oh, sorry. “Flight attendants”), cheerleaders and of course call girls. As Max Allan Collins quipped in The Best of Crime & Detective TV, they did “more damage to the cause of feminism than the Susan B. Anthony dollar.”

Sheesh, even Barbie was a better role model. And in some cases less plastic.

It didn’t take long for even the show’s own stars to deride its blatant sexism. As Farrah Fawcett-Majors noted at the time, “When the show was number three, I figured it was our acting. When it got to be number one, I decide it could only be because none of us wears a bra.”

Well, duh…

Originally, JILL MUNROE (played by Fawcett-Majors) was the “athletic” one, KELLY GARRETT (Jaclyn Smith) was the “tough” one (a former showgirl who had been around) and by default, SABRINA DUNCAN (Kate Jackson) was the “smart” one. But Farrah’s sudden emergence as some sort of sex symbol went right to her blow-dried head, and she left the show after just one season, to be replaced by Cheryl Ladd in the role of her younger, feisty sister, KRIS. Soon, introducing a new Angel got to be an almost-annual event. The off-screen hunt for new Angels, in fact, proved to be more entertaining and more interesting than the show itself, which was coming apart at the seams. Shelley Hack came on as TIFFANY WELLES in the fourth season to replace Sabina (Kate Jackson) but she was replaced a year later by Tanya Roberts as JULIE ROGERS in the fifth season.

Charlie was never seen, preferring to deliver his instructions through a speaker phone (his voice was actually that of actor John Forsythe), and through his go-between, the bumbling Bosley (David Doyle), who served as office manager and purported comic relief.

Only in the final episode, when Kelly is lying in a hospital bed, recovering from a shot in the head (by an embezzler, not a TV critic, as originally suspected), do we finally get a sneak peek at the elusive Charlie. After five seasons of jiggle, at the episode’s conclusion, he dissolves the agency. A grateful nation, tired of all the off-screen drama, heaved a huge sigh of relief…

* * * * *

And we’ve come so far. In 2000, Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu starred in a big bucks remake, Charlie’s Angels. Sheeesh! Some cheese should just be left in an airtight container.

Though, actually, the film is actually not bad. Okay, it’s not great art, not by a long shot, but on its own terms, it works. Or, at least it’s better than the original. Then again, how couldn’t it be? Once again the “girls” battle bad guys, while Bill Murray earns a few smiles as Bosley and the action scenes are choreographed well. It was directed by hotshot music video director “McG” (Joseph McGinty Nichol when he wasn’t quite so cool). Imagine the Spice Girls, but with Kung Fu. It even coughed up a so-so 2003 sequel (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle), although it failed to keep the franchise going.

* * * * *

No matter how much they make you cringe, you just can’t kill some ideas with a stick. In 2011, a new television series was unleashed, promising new, “edgier” Angels.

Yeah. Edgier. Because that’s what we all want.

Smallville creators Al Gough and Miles Millar said they wanted to make the show more grounded in reality, but the newest Angels were more interchangeable than ever. KATE PRINCE (played by Annie Ilonzeh), EVE FRENCH (Minka Kelly) and ABBY SAMPSON (Rachael Taylor) were all, of course, drop-dead beautiful. I think, this being 2011 and not 1976, that one of them even had tattoos, and one of them was black (how au courant!), but I’ll be damned if I can remember which one.

At least the original series — and the movies — had a sense of Barbie doll sisterhood/empowerment going for it. You might not have believed they were private eyes, but at least you believed they were friends. The new show didn’t even have that going for it.

It’s fluff on the order of recycled dryer lint, no matter how much sand they dumped in the Vaseline. Making it “grounded and real” just highlighted how forced and lightweight the show really was — and how poorly the writers understood the appeal of the original show.

And did the world really need a hunky new Bosley? I suggest you hurry up and watch it before they… WHAT?

Nevermind. It was quickly cancelled. After only seven episodes.

* * * * *

But, like I said, some ideas just won’t die. In 2018, Dynamite Comics spewed out a monthly comic, featuring the original Angels in a short-run mini-series set in the 1970s. But don’t get your hopes up too high — whether it’s due to the artists (or more likely assorted lawyers), these Angels only bear a passing resemblance to the original line-up of Fawcett, Smith and Jackson. As for the writing? Well, how good would it really have to be?

Suffice it to say that Jill, Sabrina and Kelly are back in the game, delivering justice and saving the good ol’ U.S.A. one jiggle at a time. There’s enough nudge-nudge wink-wink and skimpy costumes to make old fans feel at home — but possibly not enough to attract “woke” ones.

* * * * *

And that’s not all. Sony is also currently promising/threatening yet another Charlie’s Angels reboot in 2019, this one to be directed by Elizabeth Banks and, presumably, all-new Angels, played by Ella Balinska, Kristen Stewart and Naomi Scott. Banks herself will be playing one of the Bosleys. Because that’s what the various reboots and follow-ups have suffered from: not enough Bosleys. The Townshend Agency is now a global security conglomerate with offices (and Bosley’s) all over the world, but the thongs remain the same. Or something. Not as good As I’d hoped; not as bad as I feared.

“I’ve just seen the new Charlie’s Angels movie. This is a confession. It is a stupid movie that only a blithering idiot would like. But I liked it. The plot [?] is as thin as one-ply toilet paper. You know who the real villains are in the first twenty minutes. It takes the Angels ’til the end of the movie to figure it out. But the special effects are very good, the fight scenes are spectacular, and of course, the three stars are gorgeous.”— John Nolan

“Street Models to Hawaiian Angel” (November 30,1980; shown together as three-hour season premiere; later aired as separate episodes “Angel in Hiding” and “To See An Angel Die)

“Angels of the Deep” (December 7, 1980)

“Island Angels” (December 14, 1980)

“Waikiki Angels” (January 4, 1981)

“Hula Angels” (January 11, 1981)

“Moonshinin’ Angels” (January 24, 1981)

“He Married an Angel” (January 31, 1981)

“Taxi Angels” (February 7, 1981)

“Angel on the Line” (February 14, 1981)

“Chorus Line Angels” (February 21, 1981)

“Stuntwomen Angels” (February 28, 1981)

“Attack Angels” (June 3, 1981)

“Angel on a Roll” (June 10, 1981)

“Mr. Galaxy” (June 17, 1981)

“Let Our Angel Live” (June 24, 1981)

CHARLIE’S ANGELS | Buy the complete series on DVD
(2011, ABC)
Based on characters created by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts
Re-developed for television by Al Gough and Miles Millar
Starring Annie Ilonzeh as KATE PRINCE
Minka Kelly as EVE FRENCH
and Rachael Taylor as ABBY SAMPSON
with Ramon Rodriguez as John Bosley

Season One

“Angel with a Broken Wing” (September 22, 2011)

“Runway Angels” (September 29, 2011)

“Bon Voyage, Angels” (October 6, 2011)

“Angels in Chains” (October 13, 2011)

“Angels in Paradise” (October 20, 2011)

“Black Hat Angels” (November 3, 2011)

“Royal Angels” (November 10, 2011)

“They’re Not Angels” (unaired)Ouch. At least the original had a sort of semi-charming wish-fulfillment Barbie vibe to it, but I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be these miserable twits. Here’s a clue, ABC — nobody ever tuned in to the original series for the “grit.” The short run wasn’t so much a cancellation as a mercy killing.

NOVELIZATIONS

Charlie’s Angels (1977, by Max Franklin)

Charlie’s Angels #2: The Killing Kind (1977, by Max Franklin)

Charlie’s Angels #3: Angels in Chains (1977, by Max Franklin)

Charlie’s Angels #4: Angels on a String (1977, by Max Franklin)

Charlie’s Angels #5: Angels on Ice (1978, by Max Franklin)Max Franklin was a pseudonym of Richard Deming, the creator of P.I.s Manville Moon and Barney Calhoun.

FILMS

CHARLIE’S ANGELS | Buy this video|Buy this DVD
(2000, Columbia)
Based on characters created by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts
Written by Ryan Rowe & Ed Solomon and John August
Directed by McG
Executive producer: Betty Thomas and Jenno Topping
Produced by Leonard Goldberg, Drew Barrymore and Nancy Jovonen
Starring Cameron Diaz as NATALIE COOK
Drew Barrymore as DYLAN SANDERS
and Lucy Liu as ALEX MUNDAY
and Bill Murray as Bosley
with the voice of John Forsythe as Charlie
Also starring Sam Rockwell, Tim Curry, Kelly Lynch

CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE | Buy this video | Buy this DVD
(2003, Columbia)
Based on characters created by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts
Story by John August
Screenplay by John August, Cormac Wibberley and Marianne Wibberley
Directed by McG
Original Music by William Orbit
Produced by Drew Barrymore, Leonard Goldberg and Nancy Juvonen
Associate producers: Amanda Goldberg, Stephanie Savage
Executive producers: Patrick Crowley, Betty Thomas, Jenno Topping
Starring Cameron Diaz as NATALIE COOK
Drew Barrymore as DYLAN SANDERS
and Lucy Liu as ALEX MUNDAY
and Bernie Mac as Bosley
with the voice of John Forsythe as Charlie
Also starring Demi Moore, Justin Theroux, Robert Patrick, Luke Wilson, Matt LeBlanc, Crispin Glover, John CleeseYep, they’re back. The producers have apparently decided they didn’t attract enough men to the last one, so we’ve got some light bondage and Demi Moore (as a “fallen angel”) licking Cameron Diaz. All in the name of female empowerment, of course.

COMICS

CHARLIE’S ANGELS
(2018, Dynamite Comics)
5-issue mini-series
Based on characters created by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts
Written by John Layman
Art by Joe EismaThis one definitely puts the cheese back in chesesecake. Original Angels, Jill, Sabrina and Kelly, back in the game, delivering justice and saving the good ol’ U.S.A. one jiggle at a time.