Romania is a very beautiful land with many scenic mountains and deep valleys and mighty rivers and vast arid deserts and magical enchanted forests and majestic fjords and dangerous volcanoes and gigantic smoking craters, all of which is covered by a 10000-metre-deep glacier, a slathering of delicious non-dairy whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

The entire area of the country occupies a single tectonic plate, which spins in a counterclockwise direction at a rate of approximately 750 RPM. Because of this, all Rumanian compasses and weather vanes need to be re-calibrated on a regular basis.

Romania is the largest country in Asia and is hailed by many as the greatest African country since Wisconsin moved to South America. Nevertheless, the UNCouncil on Countries that Suck has named Romania the world's suckiest country for 10 years running. For all this bloody nonsense, blame Vlad Drakul, an illustrious Rumanian political leader who inexplicably only comes out at night.

Romania shares millions of semi-permeable borders with millions of shattered fragments of the former state of Yugoslavia and the now-splintered Soviet Union, as well as with Pakistan, Uganda, Wisconsin, and several other semi-industrialised countries. Due to a localised distortion in the space-time continuum, central Romania has recently undergone a phase-shift and now serves as a portal to another parallel universe called Evil Disrupter (a cubical manifold of high energy fuelled by roaches and pure human blood [the pure blood is of course a myth as every citizen of Romania has a blood-alcohol level of at least 50%]).

The country is due to join the EU in 2007AC when it will take its rightful and - for the first time - official place as the mosquito of Europe.

Flora and Fauna

Romania is positively rife with vampires, dhampires (half-human, half-vampire creatures), werewolves, wolfmen and undead trees. The Rumanian Striped Zombie, however, is threatened by poachers and declining sources of fresh brains. In late 2004, a single wild goat was reportedly spotted nibbling on an electric fence just outside Bucharest, but the rare sighting has not yet been confirmed. In spite of its precarious living conditions, the most famous animal in all of Romania is the majestic purple breasted chupacabra. Truly a wonder of nature, this nocturnal predator, reluctant to breed in captivity, is hunted and savagely milked, for chupacabra milk is a key ingredient in most, if not all, sacred Rumanian beverages.

The worst species that inhabits Romania is probably the edit warrior, which in his blood-lust and rage destroys everything wherever he goes. The Rumanian Institute of Demography has seen a 376.28% rise of this species since the creation of wikis on the web. In 2048AC, the nation of ROMania itself was re-built entirely from non-volatile ROM, placing it beyond the reach of the edit warriors.

However, a dark cult seems to be rising in power these days and seem poised to challenge the edit warriors as Romania's worst creatures. Its members are called "The devil's animals" (animalele dracu) and can often be found in a stuporous state on buses. Former President, mister Iliescu(or Iliescov), made good use of his college studies at KGB University and recognised the power of this dark cult as key to his ascension to Presidency. This bond was easily observed in the way he was affectionately calling cult members, "mai animalule".

Flora is represented by large rubber trees which Rumanian people use to make ciunga, a traditional dish. One can also find a lot of mint (menta) plantations, as mint is used in almost all activities with which Rumanians amuse themselves, especially mintrubbing (a freca menta), a deeply meaningful activity explained in more detail here (http://www.mintrubbing.org). (You will also find there information about two other major Rumanian pastimes: burning gas and cutting leaves for the dogs - see Government section)

Rumanian is a land also full of wild packs of communists. These communists (like Ilici Iliescovici, Ciupanezu, Mihai Eminescu, Miron Cozma, Cabral, Gigi Becali, Marcel Pavel, Ombladon, Godzilla - also known as Mozilla, Serban Huidu, Andreea Marin and Ceausescu, the leader, known also as Sergiu Nicolaeceausescu) live in the beautiful Rumanian jungle.

Food: They eat almost everything from twigs and worms to newspapers and Lego toys. If they can't find anything to eat in the jungle, they turn to the countryside where they hunt for the magnificent, yet dangerous Chupacabra, pushing this wonderful species further down the road to extinction.

Sex: They are sexless. They reproduce solely by invoking a committee on this or that problem.

Language: How do they talk to each other? Simple! The communist language (also named "the wooden tongue", since they live in the woods). It's very simple to learn. You just need to know Rumanian, and add at the end of each word "-oiodo".

For several years in the late 1960s, they served the Dark Lord Sauron (now known as Lord of the Dance; not to be confused with Saurug or Saruman).

There is nothing in the world more powerful than a Rumanian person drunk on ţuică or palinca, two magical Rumanian potions. Moreover, as the underlying tectonic plate spins at about 750 RPM, Rumanians have an amazing innate sense of balance which will keep them standing upright even when reaching alcohol-induced coma.

Relations

Rumanian mating rituals while playing maneleMP3music are dark and mysterious, probably because there is no electricity in Romania (how can they listen to MP3s without electricity?! Damn, we're stupid for not finding that out!)

The raising of children in Romania is also a mystery to scientists all over the world. Although we are certain that they do feed their children with breast milk, there is evidence that they also leave their children in the care of wolves or other wild animals, following traditions from their long lost RomanEmpire. Responsible parents will leave their offspring in state-owned orphanages that provide the best upbringing through proper education, a balanced diet and regular physical exercises. As a result, foreigners are bidding fortunes for the chance of adopting these super-children from orphanages.

The Rumanian children that were not so lucky to be admitted in an orphanage are brutal and have a 95% chance of becoming manele singers and performing dark rituals. Until their adulthood they are mostly violent, stupid as Hell, and prone to revelry in mindless parties accompanied by lots of Tzuica, Ursus Beer and manele. They have a habit of making wild sounds inherited from their adoptive animal parents. The wolfman dance is a ritual at every wedding in Transylvania.

If by some mistake the Rumanian children escape the dreaded Manele Virus they are doomed to live dupa blocuri or "in the 'hood" where they live a life of joy and liberation under the influence of weak narcotics like aurolac.

Economy

Due to its neighbour Botswana, the currency of Romania is the pula. The history of pula started in the 18th century during which there were gold pula coins. The banana merchants of Romania were testing the gold coins with their teeth so a new expression emerged: "eat my pula" meant "test my money, I'm good for it."

Even though the pula gold coins were withdrawn from the market in in the 1980s by the Roman community, the inertia of the language kept the expressions alive. It is not uncommon for rich old banana merchants in Romania to say to their young wives "eat my pula," which can be translated "spend my money, my credit card has no limit."

Tourism

Tourism in Romania is a relative new national sport. Romanians tend to gather in herds in certain times of the year (like the 1'st of May, The International Labourer Day) and go devastate every piece of nature that resisted the previous year's onslaught. When he/she is in the middle of nature, the average Rumanian tends to get melancolic and gets in the mood for some very loud, broken-heart music (aka manele).

After setting up his chosen location and playing the music at the 20000W car stereo, the Rumanian starts to prepare the national dish, the mici (smallies). The "mici" (not to be mistaken for the "muci", the product of the national sport, nosepicking) are at their best served with mustard and a pint or two of beer (or 5, or 6 - who can count them after 10?).

Smallies are a mixture of all types of meat and spices (such as garlic - to fend off vampires, and onion - to fend off family), tenderly moulded in a somewhat tubular shape. Although you would not expect it, the Rumanian actually cooks the mici, by placing them on improvised stoves, called gratare, which are constructed with the sole purpose of producing the maximum amount of smelly smoke in order to annoy the neighbours that don't own one.

After finishing their relaxing day in nature, the Rumanians make sure not to leave the garbage in one location, on the spot, but scatter it all around, so that the few surviving forest animals choke on it (thus the Rumanian lives up to his hunter-gatherer reputation).

A very important tourist attraction of Romania is The Ol'-Bitches' Stone also known as "Babele". Near it is the not so spectacular StonedDude or "Sfinxul" (in Rumanian). If will ever have the privilege to visit Romania, don't miss it!

Culture

One of Romania's greatest sculptors, Constantin Brancusi, has sculpted a piece called Coloana Infinitului, or "The Column of Infinity" in English. It is considered a masterpiece nowadays but the truth is that the sculptor was a savage man who fell into a very deep hole as a child and his parents dropped him a large tree trunk to help him get out. It took him years to chop the column from the tree trunk until he could use it as a ladder.

Because it took so long for him to complete his escape he named his ladder "The Column of Infinity." It is still unknown why his parents didn't drop a rope for him to get out or how he survived in the hole surrounded by his bodily residues.

Music

Rockculture is starting to grow in Romania. This year (2005) many rock bands performed in Romania, and more are scheduled to do so in the future. Megadeth is an example. Adi The Wonder Boy, the hard rock legend, will open the Megadeth concert with his brutal, yet soft crow-like voice.

Another style of music very popular in Romania is "manele". It's positioning among the currents in contemporary music is controversial. Some say it is more like dub, some assimilate it with trip-hop, it even has been stated that it is closely linked with Shostacovitch. This type of music has nevertheless prehistoric beginnings, many countries seem to have imported and adapted it, sometimes spoiling it (see Britney Spears, for instance).

The leaders of the manele genre, in Romania, are Adrian Copilu' Minune (Ady the Wonder Kid), lately known as Adi de Vito (without any resemblance to Danny DeVito; the name actually refers to "Vito!", a customary Rumanian greeting meaning "You cow!"), and Nicolae Guta (or Gootzah, for the manele lovers with a hip-hop side), a.k.a. Guta Reynolds. Although Guta is the recognized king of manele (he was crowned live during the Teo -one of Oprah's disciples- Show), these two are in a constant fight for supremacy in the manele business and in the poor Rumanian's heart.

Present day Manele are arabian-like songs which are played all night long at parties in Oltenia and Moldova provinces of Romania. The best manele song is Vecini si dusmani. The main idea of the song is Let's party and don't let the neighbours sleep.

Nevertheless we should also mention that Gutza, the great poet/musician, not long ago had a heart attack when receiving the news that he won the Nobel Prize for Peace in 2005.

Sport

The favourite sport of the Rumanian football players is drunk driving while listening to hard-core manele. This extracurricular activity recently led to the qualification of Romania's national team directly to the final of the 2006 World Cup, which, as a tribute to the razboinicul luminii, Gigi Becali (the Warrior of the light), will be held in the tycoon's home basement in Pipera.

The qualification session was quite an adventure, with Mutu the Inhaler playing in his spare time at two football clubs (Chelsea and Juventus). Despite his late training session (which he conducted at his third club, the F.C.M. Exotic Dance Club of Ciorogîrla) on the night before the qualification match, Mutu managed to overcome his tiredness before the very important match by using his magical white fairy dust. And, because fairy dust makes you fly over puffy velvet clouds with hordes of pink seagulls, Mutu had no problem flying through the opposing defence right into the stands.

With the force of Mutu by their side, Romania's squad had no problem to win the match, although the opposing team, a mixture of world top class players, claimed that the referee (internationally known Grigory Blatovsky) was against them. This match set a new record, with 22 penalties awarded to the Rumanians and 15 goals cancelled for the opposing team.

Might be interesting to know that, because the match was played on Rumanian soil, the foreign goal-keeper was blindfolded while having to stay in one foot with his hands tied behind his back. We will be back with more details from the final, scheduled to be played when the Rumanian players return from their bonus trip to Mars.

A new sport almost emerged: maddogg hunting. It was like this: the maddoggs were once maddpuppies. They were forced to live eating only expired plastic bags (a powerful mutagen agent). After two years of plastic eating, the maddpuppies reached maturity. They started hunting rats, maddcatz and the occasional human that dared get out after sunset. The maddogs started organizing in maddpacks, tribal like organizations in which constant fights were led for supremacy. The maddpack leader usually had an opposable thumb at the 4th foot. The hunt began when the maddoggs started to organize a plot to overthrow the government. The great maddogg crusade was led by Basescu the Slayer. Because of his great succes, he was elected president to rid the country of maddcommunists (regular communists forced to eat bullshit communist doctrines for 50 years).

History

Romania wasn't always the beautiful tropical paradise you see today. A few thousand years ago, 4000 BC to be exact, Romania was covered in thick forests inhabited by various small rodents that fed on each other. The only populace in those days was a tribe of happy forest elves that were living their happy lives deep in the Transylvanian forests prancing about and gnawing on tree bark and various animal waste. The rest of the world was conquered by the evilRoman Empire, led by their vicious, blood-thirsty ruler, Emperor Attila the Hun.

Not fancying very much the elven culture and their pointless happiness and prancing, the evil Romans decided to conquer their forests, burn their villages and sexually abuse the elves. Although they did not have anything against being sexually abused by unwashed Romans, the elves really cared about their forests so they prepared for war.

The main battle was fought in 104 AC in the neighbouring country of Taiwan because in Romania it was raining and none of the combatants wanted to get mud all over their shoes. Realizing that they had much in common and were sexually attracted to each other, the elves and Romans stopped brutally slaughtering one another and instead started procreating. A few years later a new nation, a proud nation, was born: Romania.

The Rumanians lived happily for approximately 2000 years not showing any sign of progress in any domain because of a racial genetic disorder that later historians used to call "congenital lazy bastarditis." Seeing how vulnerable this small country of morons was, a pack of evil communist vampires led by Dracula installed a communist regime. The local population was enslaved and the vampires proceeded doing their evil deeds, like painting things red, eating the flesh of unborn babies and milking cows without using sterile gloves.

In 1989, sick of enslavement and being forced to pluck chickens and then glue their feathers back on every day, the people started a revolution and attacked the communist vampires with pork steaks and killed some of the vampires and so the communist regime was defeated. The Rumanians went back to their caves and lived happily ever after doing their traditional activities like playing football with their faces and trying to find love on IRC.

Surprisingly, the latter almost eradicated the well-known prostitute phenomenon (a fact that some Turkish drivers complain occasionally even today). This being said, the elves' descendants don't give a damn on pornography either. With such powerful tools as IRC and countless Internet forums everybody can became an actor whenever (s)he wants - e.g., in front of the webcam or with no camera whatsoever.

Actually, the most important thing in Romania's history is its former president, Ivan Iliescov, who invented the smiley. As a recognition, almost all smilies are red, yellow or blue, the colours of Romania's national flag. So remember, whether it's red, yellow or blue, whether it's happy or sad, every smiley you see is an embodiment of Romania's former president.

Heroes

Little is known today about most of Romania's heroes. However, one name stands out: Bula. Very little is known about Bula himself (whether he is still alive or long gone, whether he was/is rich or poor, or even what his real name is/was). One thing is certain, though: Rumanians tend to attribute to him the kind of events that always seem to happen to someone's neighbour's aunt's father-in-law's mechanic. Although asserted by many to be myth or legend, the way of Bula is strong with the proud and alcohol-soaked Rumanians.

Other modern day heroes and role models include such names as Adi Minune and Guta (an unusually grave mutilating disease was named after him). These fine illiterate poets led the masses of drunken Rumanian zombies into trance-like states and coerced them into performing complex rituals such as clothing themselves with cheap yellow metal, black tight shirts with burta and duck-built shoes.

As of late a new brand of Rumanian hero is starting to emerge: the sarsan. This new brand is mainly represented by soccer people such as Gigi Becali, the illiteratesheep-herding terror of the Balkans, and his acolyte Adi Mutu (or Mutu the Inhaler).

Of course, the modern heroes of Romania are Peste and Pula, brother and sister, who have possession of over 90% of the goods in Romania. This possession is strongly reinforced by the Rumanian population, so, as an example, if a smart guy (destept) belongs to Pula or Peste, or even works for them, you might hear the people around him say Desteptul Pulii or Desteptul lui Peste. Pula tends to have more things than Peste, specialising in cars, cops, teachers and whores. On the other hand, Peste has more valuable stuff, like politicians, medics and so on.

The most famous heroes are Iosif and Cristian , but as Nadia Comaneci they are not longer in Romania, some people say that they moved to Canada.
Another Hero is Manea, aka Manea Grosu' s'Artzagosu, aka Pardaillan, who very clearly references the French culture imported by the Rumanian students in France who learned there how to make the knot to a tie. He did a very heroic thing when he killed Toma Alimosh, very famous burglar "haiduc" in the XIX century (1700-1800), who was equipped with a bulletproof vest. Rumanian peasants used to sing popular songs (a.k.a. Balada) about him. A famous Rumanian popular song "Balada lu' Toma Alimosh" states:

But Manea tricks him with a test, (Dar Manea ii juca o festa)
He had a bullet anti-vest. (Avea gloantze antivesta.)

National Anthem

The national anthem of Romania is "Dragostea Din Tei" ("The Love from the Linden Tree")- actually it is so stupid that no sane Rumanian will listen to it.. Here is an excerpt:

Another song that wants to be the national anthem of Romania is "F*ck you, Romania!" a very nice song about birds and flowers, about the stupidity of the police and all that nice shit.

The greatest TV station in Romania is TVR1, the national television station. The second greatest is TVR2, also the the national television station. There is also the amazing TVR Cultural, which speaks about the Rumanian culture, as written above. Don't forget about TVR International - Bringing high quality stupidity in people's homes all over the world!

Government

In 1756, a bloodless revolution resulting in some 1 million mutilations, 267,000 viral infections and 72,506 bisexual cows -- but zero deaths -- brought to power an anarchicalgovernment. This authoritarian regime has remained in power ever since thanks to its ingenious use of Yufu's chinese food.

As Cristi Magureanu once said, "nachos and tacos are the main causes of oppression in Romania".

Rromania

Rromania is a hidden and always on the move part of Romania. The name Rromania comes from rrom (an exotic presence in Romania) and the imperativ verb "a-niaaaaaaaa" (similar to "diiiiii", a verb for their favourite pets and close friends, the horses). The rroms (also known as tigani, cygans, gypsyies, gitanos, zigeuner, ceaules, zmardoi, ursari and so on...) are not a native population in Romania. They have migrated after the last glaciation froze the northern parts of India. From their ancestor's lives in India, the rroms have learned to be in constant communion with Mother Nature. And so, they roam the country relentlessly in search of a place close enough to nature worth settling down. They also resent water and hate soap.

Due to their natural tan, the rroms have been discriminated throughout history. In medieval times, they were Vlad the Impaler's favourite practice target. After this oppression, they tried to arrange a deal with the turks to overthrow Vlad the Devil (Vlad Dracu), but their plan was exposed by Stefan cel Mare, who turned them into slaves for their treason.

As slaves, the rroms had some very rough times. They were sold for practically nothing (example of rrom transaction: "Ionascu fecior lui Ursu Piscoaei este vindut drept un poloboc de miare, pretuit drept zece galbeni, cu feciorii lui ce-i va avea" - "Ionascu is sold for a jar of honey with all his sons and his sons' sons"). Because of their low wages (two beatings per day), the rroms turned to stealing. The stealing ability of the rroms was used in the wars with the turks, when the romanians sent rrom commando teams on turkish soil to steal the turks' weapons and their daughters' virginity. They were forced to work in inhuman conditions and they were fed nothing (twice a day at least). Because they suffered from constant hunger, the rroms started singing. And never stopped.

The hunger singing quickly turned into a business. Their work inspired great musicians across history (Frantz Liszt's "Roman Rhapsody for Piano" was inspired by a local talent, Barbu Lautaru). It was even suggested that these two were close friends. BUT (there's always a but) Barbu Lautaru marked the beggining (and simultaneously the end) of an era when gypsies ACTUALLY composed and played genuine rroman music (if such a concept was ever invented). Later on, "pictati" (painted faces) like Romica Puceanu, Faramita Lambru and Constantin Eftimiu added those superb suburb flavours that left their touch on generations and generations to come. In our days, the rroms invented the techno-manele genre, but because it was hard to produce all the techno sounds with only their mouth, hands and belly, the rroms settled for the manele. In our days, even a senate member, Madalin Voicu, started singing rock. Naturally, he quit.

The true oppression of the rroms started in the year 1766, when both mixt marriages and CD-RROMs were forbidden. Because gipsy women are too damn ugly, many rroms swore celibacy and turned to their horses. Even now, as a testimony of those hard times, horses are highly regarded in the rrom culture. They have the best places in the rroms' houses (they sleep on the couch in the dining room) and they are fed only milk and barley (in various combinations like milk and milk, barley and air, air and air..).

In modern times, the rroms started to promote their way of life in several countries in Europe. They had a huge success teaching the europeans how to live without their wallets and without their cars. They also have a strong anti-violence policy, so when someone opposes them by force, they gather in a large pack and beat him senseless. Because of their high popularity, the romanian people are now known as rroms in all of Europe.