So about a year ago, before my kid’s first birthday, I wrote a post about raiding with a baby. Raiding with a toddler proved to be slightly different (and, ultimately, so hard as to be basically impossible), but even without the classification of “hardcore” or even, really, “raider,” I still strongly identify as “gamer” — but also, now, as “mom.”
There’s an interesting cultural thing with motherhood here in the southern US (it may be like this in other places too, but since I’ve only done the mom thing here this is my only frame of reference): once you have a kid, you basically cease to exist as your own person. It’s very strange, but the people with whom I interact both professionally and even sometimes socially in meatspace don’t tend to treat me as Aro; instead, I’m Gup’s Mom, and my life is expected to be full of Gup Things — and only Gup Things.

The funny thing is that Mr. Aro does not have this problem.

Please don’t misunderstand; Mr. Aro is a terrific dad, and identifies just as strongly with “dad” as I do with “mom,” but never once has he been subject to the implication that his entire life should revolve around his kid to the exclusion of all else. When Mr. Aro joins a social scene, he can talk about both game-related hobbies and family-related goings-on and no one will bat an eye. However, if I’m the one in that conversation, things are a little different.

Here’s how it goes when I try to talk about gaming while parenting with people who are not also gaming while parenting: first, people go reaaaaaally quiet. Then someone will laugh, like they do when someone tells an uncomfortable joke. Finally, the subject is changed. Every time, with only extremely rare exceptions. Every time.

I think there are a couple of reasons for this, and the one that comes to mind first is that when people (who probably don’t know any gaming moms) think the phrase “gamer mom,” the mental picture they come up with is a CNN headline: KID STARVES TO DEATH WHILE MOM GAMES. These horror stories do exist, even though they’re rare, and are so horrible that they tend to stick indelibly in our collective memory; a woman who raids for fifteen hours straight while her toddler tries to stave off a slow starvation death by eating cat food should be a Clive Barker plot, not a real news story. That creeping horror also makes them seem more prevalent and definitive than they really are — even though this level of extreme neglect is a handful of cases world-wide, the scope of them individually (who lets tiny children die I mean oh my god really) creates this specter of horrible things that video games do to you and make you do.

So first I have to contend with that, the general distrust of video games and people who play them. This isn’t really news; we all, every one of us who has ever identified as a gamer, have had to put up with this at some point or another in our lives.

But then I get a special extra helping, the flavor that is only ever offered to we moms of the gaming world: but moms can’t DO that.

This is the part that Mr. Aro doesn’t get, doesn’t have to deal with: it is, in this society, the mother’s job to take care of children. Period. That is the expected norm, that is what you are supposed to adhere to in this culture. If you, as a mom, have your own hobby on which you spend your free time, that is time not spent mothering your child, you selfish neglectful bitch. It doesn’t matter that Mr. Aro and I worked out schedules for raids, and only ever scheduled uninterrupted game time for when the kidlet was asleep; it doesn’t matter that he never liked hardcore raiding and will roshambo me to see who gets to read her to sleep at night. No, that doesn’t matter because it’s the mother’s place to parent, and the father’s to just go off and do whatever the fuckall he wants (nope, still not going to stop talking about how the patriarchy sucks for dudes too).

This is why knowledge (and rejection) of gender roles is so personally important to me. I love my kid, and I love being her mom — but I’m also still pretty fond of being me, and knowing how to balance those things takes a lot of time and work and effort. I know that the wider world out there thinks I’m supposed to put my childish things aside in favor of my daughter’s, but I would much rather learn how to manage my time effectively and share the things I love with her rather than give them up all together, and regardless of what the undercurrents of GRR WOMENS ARE FOR BABIES culture would have folks think, I do believe it’s possible to be a good mom WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY also being a good gamer.

We’ve moved on some from the days of “GTA made Little Timmy shoot all those people,” but not as far as we think; we’ve moved on some from the days of June Cleaver’s housekeeping skills, but not as far as we think. When those two roads meet, for me it’s not so much getting chocolate in my peanut butter as it is HOLY SHIT DID YOU GET THE NUMBER ON THAT TRUCK.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here teaching my kid to shoot geth one M-300 Claymore at a time.

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22 Responses

Liore / 8-20-2012 / ·

Storytime! Many many months ago, I remember Aro whispering me that the weester was due to enter the world the next day, so she didn't sign up for any raids that week. And my AUTOMATIC assumption was that, okay, I'd better let the guild know so we could all say goodbye to her because Aro was joining the land of moms and we would never see her again. I think we were mid-goodbyes on Mumble when she said something like, "Thanks guys, but.. I'm going to be back around in a few weeks, you know?". I was instantly kind of embarrassed at my assumption.

And, y'know, I fancy myself as somewhat educated on the ways of feminism and yet I still totally marched into the idea that moms don't play games. It's pretty prevalent. So I guess what I'm saying is: nice post! :)

Ahahaha whee man. That was very kind and very sweet and also really awkward, because I was like OH GOD DID I TELL THEM I WAS NEVER COMING BACK? DO THEY NOT WANT ME BACK? OH GOD OH GOD

Apple Cider / 8-20-2012 / ·

See, this is good stuff. So fascinated. :>

Casp / 8-20-2012 / ·

Hi! I've been following and enjoying your blog for a while, since you write about things that interest me (mmo's, raiding, gaming as a girl, beer, spriests and the wonders of shadowform….) My husband and I are expecting our first child in January, in the good ol' southern US, and the idea that I basically cease to exist as a person terrifies me. Well, terrifies me and pisses me off at the same time. I know my life will change drastically, and I'm ready for that. I chose that. What I'm not ready for is the expectation that the only hobbies I will have this time next year are things like baking or sewing or gardening. Not knocking any of those things (all of which I actually like), but that's only part of who I am.

Thanks for saying what's been rolling around in my head anyway: It seems much better to me to share my interests and passions with my kid than give them up and not have anything to share. At least, that's the kind of mom I would have like to have, and would like to be.

Aro / 8-20-2012 / ·

Yes, exactly! Rather than give up everything I love (other than hardcore raiding, which was a time commitment I was expecting to give up on eventually), I think the Gup's life AND mine are made richer by sharing that with her.

It's still really awkward — I try not to bring up gaming without being aware of the reception it would get, for example, and there are other hosts of challenges around how every stranger in public thinks they know way better how to raise your kid than you do — but it's at least not, like, soul-destroying for me. XD

Apple Cider / 8-20-2012 / ·

There's so much stuff in the gaming world and real world that I don't have to deal with because I am neither a spouse nor a mom (yet, or ever) and how that intersects with feminism. This is endlessly fascinating to me because it is something that I think a lot of young, contemporary gamers nor feminists don't deal with – how to be something seen as unfailingly "feminine" and set down as WHAT WOMEN DO, but in your own way that doesn't compromise your life, your identity or autonomy.

Thanks for the insight, I am really appreciative.

PS: Was this supposed to be part of the panel? Nosy lady is nosy.

Aro / 8-20-2012 / ·

Ahahaha yes, this is the launching point for what I would have talked about in panel, though it would have meandered a lot more because unfortunately I am not provided with a backspace key in person. XD

The intersectionality of community is really fascinating for me, because I clearly remember having to deal with an entirely different set of issues before she was born or even back when I was single. So many things are fucked up and wrong in so many different ways it's hard to realize how it can even happen. XD

@RavenPhoenix / 8-20-2012 / ·

Oh…my…gosh…THANK YOU.

A brief background: I am a 50 year old (yeah, don't tell anyone…lol) widowed mother of one beautiful daughter of 19. When I started gaming, she was about 10. We also live in the South, although I'm a transplant from NJ, and she was born and raised here. I've been there for the awkward silences…the looks…both for being a gaming mom and for being a gaming female. I stopped even talking about it with most people. My own mother would accuse me of neglecting my child if I mentioned I'd be raiding that night (after her bedtime, but as far as some are concerned, it seemed like I should spend that time dreaming up all the things I was going to be doing with my child the next day or sleeping…certainly NOT gaming).

The cool spot for me happened when she started high school. She mentioned to a classmate (male) that I played WoW…while I was driving her and the friend to school one morning…and after he picked up his jaw, he lit up and exclaimed, "THAT'S SO COOL!". Suddenly, I was the coolest mom on the planet. I took her to a girlfriend's house and stayed to visit with her friend's mom, and suddenly a couple of boys showed up…not to hang out with the girls, but because, in talking to the girls on the phone, they found out I was there. They came to talk games…with me.

I did not introduce her to playing until this past summer, after her freshman year of college. It used to tickle me how she would stand in my doorway and tell me it was "cute" to have a "geek for a mom". Now, my little altoholic is working on her Loremaster, almost has her Netherwing drakes, and is looking forward to the start of her sophomore year. She's a wonderful child…so I must have done something right. Even on raid nights. :)

Aro / 8-20-2012 / ·

I have a 23-month old who says please and thank you without fail, so I know I'm doing SOMETHING right. XD Whether or not I end up as the Cool Mom remains to be seen (because Mr. Aro is a sucker so I usually have to be the Bad Guy), but if I can teach her just ONE interesting or cool thing I'll consider it a success. :)

jmjamison / 8-20-2012 / ·

It is sad that this idea – "an interesting cultural thing with motherhood here in the southern US (it may be like this in other places too, but since Ive only done the mom thing here this is my only frame of reference): once you have a kid, you basically cease to exist as your own person. " still exists. I'm 57 now and really had hoped it would change in my lifetime.

It isn't just gaming. Any interest would be a problem. When I was in my 20's the expectation was that as soon as I was a parent I'd lose all interest or involvement with art. You can guess how well that went over…

Aro / 8-20-2012 / ·

You're right, it's not just gaming; I used to spend a lot of time in community theatre, and I stopped getting cast for things when the Gup was born because they didn't want to take me away from my family. Yeah, thanks for making that choice for me.

However, with gaming it's a double-edged sword — it's not JUST a potentially time-consuming hobby, it's a potentially time-consuming hobby with a really bad rap, so I have to fight the war on two fronts.

Apple / 8-20-2012 / ·

It seriously makes me angry when people assume that a woman should give up everything for her kids. My parents were not the best in a lot of ways – fundamentalist Christians, intelligent, confused by their intelligent-but-not-academic queer (though they didn't know about that yet) kid. But one of the things that they instilled in me by their very lives was that Parents Have Lives Too. When I'd be upset that Daddy was going out of town on a ski trip without me (I was 5, I loved skiing), Mom would tell me that Daddy has friends just like I have friends, and he doesn't get to see them at school every day like I saw mine. And it was a fact of life for me until I was 10 or 12 that my mom would leave for two weeks every summer to go out to sea with a marine biologist's team to swim with dolphins, because she loved it so much. They went on date nights at least twice a month, closer to once a week when we had a reliable babysitter. They had lives entirely separate from their identities as "my (and my sister's) parents".

Good on you for not falling into the trap of "I must give up all for my child", and I hope that maybe some people who know you will have their eyes opened a little because of it.
My recent post Getting ready for Resto

Aro / 8-20-2012 / ·

I accept and appreciate that parents should and do make sacrifices for their children, but I really think that means, like, forswearing going to the movies and eating out at fancy places, not my entire individual identity. How creepy and how much pressure that must be for a child, having to grow into not only your own person, but to have to carry your mother, too.

Lisa / 8-20-2012 / ·

You are an awesome mom and you have written an awesome blog post!

Also, FUCK YEAH VALANICE! All hail the Queen of Daventry!

Aro / 8-20-2012 / ·

YOU ARE PERHAPS BIASED ABOUT MY AWESOMENESS but man you are the SECOND person to mention Valanice and I am SO HAPPY. Seriously is there any better game mom. :D

Ali / 8-21-2012 / ·

I WILL BE THE THIRD TO MENTION VALANICE although I think the gup would probably not whine that she did not want to be a troll if she were pulled through a magic mirror. She would probably love it.

Two things: one of the things that made me so turned off from getting married and having children of my own was my friend Freckle, the one from Arkansas, telling me that oh, she didn't have any hobbies, because Firstborn of Freckle was her hobby. I was horrified. Mr. Freckle? Also did not have this problem.

Second, just confirming here for people who may be all THAT CANNOT BE POSSIBLE about the community theater thing: IT IS TRUE, I WAS THERE AND SAW IT OCCUR. It also happened to that lady who played Sandy in Grease, in case you did not know. Only she did not have an understanding Mr. Sandy, he in fact pitched a hissy that she was at rehearsal and he had to watch the kids for what he felt was an unacceptable amount of time. That's why we didn't see her again until Pippin. You know. Five years later when the kids were all in school.

Aro / 8-22-2012 / ·

When I decided to use Valanice for the header, I was like … should I mention it? Will anyone get it? I mean Peach on fire for wife aggro was pretty obvious and everything but KQ7 is a little more obscure (ALAS). XD XD

Raising a kid is a lot of my time, and I don't mean to suggest that it's by any means EASY or anything, but this cultural expectation that mothers are required to give up EVERYTHING is neither fair nor right and really kind of creepy. She sleeps fifteen hours a day, including naptime! THAT IS PLENTY OF TIME FOR ME TO DO MY OWN SHIT, and giving me side-eye because I'm spending that time with gaming or whatever instead of sitting at the side of her crib watching her sleep like a Cullen is totally bullshit.

Leodar / 8-22-2012 / ·

First, my sister loved KQ7, but neither of us ever finished it. We were both stuck on one part for a very very very long time.

Second, this was a wonderful blog post. I deal will similar problems in a different way. I'm the stay-at-home dad, coaching basketball part-time, etc. My wife is a physician, and kept her maiden name, something I didn't care about one way or the other when we got married.

Some things keep being a problem. For example, every time we buy a house, a car, or anything that requires a significant loan of some sort the fact that (1) my wife makes all the money and (2) has a name different than mine has made every transaction a pain in the ass. Things came to a head last year when securing a mortgage for our current house. The mortgage company would not accept insurance with my name on it, because the loan would be in my wife's name. My insurance company was pissed, the mortgage company was pissed, and I was in a white rage. When has this ever been a problem when Dr. Dude applies for a mortgage with his wife?

Well, I know that was slightly off-topic, but I felt like it fit in with the theme of 'Moms walk around with children on the boob while Dads make money and play golf' culture that still exists. My own family still doesn't really get it. "What are you doing now?" "I'm at home with the girls and coaching basketball." "Oh. How…nice." /facepalm

One last thing. A person I really admire as a professional said something that I keep with me always.
"The greatest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
It is patriarchal in terminology, but what it has always meant to me is that when you have kids, they can learn a lot from watching you be yourself – as a great spouse and friend with hobbies and goals. After all, isn't that what we want for our kids as they grow up?

Ugh. Sorry for the rambling. This post really sparked something for me :)

Aro / 8-22-2012 / ·

Oh man ugh yes, that's what I mean when I say the patriarchy is no picnic for dudes either. Fathers aren't supposed to be intimately involved with their children's care, they're supposed to be these distant forbidding breadwinning figures. Ugh, bullshit.

I also still have my name, and people freak out about that shit all the time because he won the coin toss to give the gup his surname. I'll fill out a form for her and sign my name, and people are all god, the kid's not even two and you're divorced and remarried already? WELL ACTUALLY, ASSFACE….

Leodar / 8-22-2012 / ·

YES. We didn't coin flip, we decided ahead of time the girls would receive my name. Luckily as the primary our names match and everything is cool, but it causes her problems sometimes. Oddly, family based organizations seem to handle this better (nursery school, YMCA) than companies I would expect respect 'PR' more, but whatever. I have had some really good feedback (my neighbor: "You stay at home with the kids and coach sports? …. I think you might be my hero."), but it has been negative more often than not.

The name thing is actually kinda complicated. She took my name, then changed back to hers after a family tragedy made her want to identify more strongly with her family. I actually had family members telling me it was the beginning of the end of our marriage 3 years in. RIGHT. Fuck you all, thank you very much. As if someone's name has anything to do with the strength of their relationship.

Ok. I need a drink. Harvest Pumpkin Ale to the rescue.

Aro / 8-22-2012 / ·

I had to send in SO MANY extra forms for my corporate insurance plan (which is way better and cheaper than his) to accept that she was legit my daughter and not some bum I picked up off the street. SO FRUSTRATING.

@Syl_RM / 8-22-2012 / ·

I admit that I DO admire and somewhat marvel at women, and generally parents, who manage to stay in the gaming scene while bringing up small children. I don't see myself doing it, speaking pure logistics (and nerve), but it always fills me with relief that so many seem to do it just fine.