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Facebook is hilarious and everybody at this point knows why. You have a collection of close friends, a smattered group of family members and of course about 200+ people you haven’t spoken to in six years but you still stay friends because it’s just not worth deleting them. You know how it feels to be unfriended and we all believe that the person will immediately realize that your clever statuses are not on your newsfeed and slip into a fugue state due to your unfriending.

It’s bad. Social media sucks in general because while it’s amazing to immediately be able to connect to everybody, you realize that you are pretty much stuck inside every single one of your friends minds every time you log in. Sometimes you get lucky and realize that there is something in common (“hey, I didn’t know they liked the Strokes too!”) but other times you get something completely the opposite (“FUCK IMMIGRANTS”!.

Since I’ve been on Facebook for nearly eight years, which is a mindfuck within itself and goes to show you that it is starting to have some longevity, I thought it was prudent to tell you which Facebook statuses to watch out for. These are ones that are literally a trap for you to either engage in arguments or share in their miseries. You’ve been forewarned.

“FUCK WELFARE”

Oh god. Not a week goes by in which some person makes a really profound (in their mind), and often grammatically incorrect, rant against food stamps, welfare, unemployment, etc. all which culminate in some “get a job!”. It will get liked by over twenty people and you realize that all these shared photos, statuses, horrible articles are is a giant circlejerk of people who want to hear themselves talk and want instant recognition. Nothing says “be productive” like a person on the job and using their phone during their break to talk about how lazy people are

These are usually always racially motivated as well. There’s loaded language everywhere and even if the person ISN’T racist, there is at least one commenter that makes some pretty thinly veiled comments about “thugs”. You’ll notice similar trends amongst these commenters as well who even though have the golden ticket of being a suburban person, believe that they worked their way up the hard way.

Also, people tend to fall for that whole “Bill Cosby said African-Americans these days are LAZY” so they can pretend that a black person cited it so they can’t be called racist. Just Snopes it by the way, Bill Cosby never said that shit. Ironic how people calling out the lazy prove themselves it so very easily.

But these statuses and people show you how political attacks work. The people who hate welfare the most are the ones who are just a minute away from being unemployed themselves. Their insecurities come out without much provocation and their fears are displayed right in front of you. Never mind the fact like .02 off of every $1 you earn or whatever goes to food stamps. It’s the easiest thing to attack because it’s everyone’s worst fear. No one wants to be called lazy. No one wants to be called dependent. Even people who fit in both camps don’t want that association, but the people who espouse such ideologies have no idea that they are repeating what the wealthiest people often say. “GET A JOB, IT WORKED FOR ME!” says every multi-billionaire even though most of them had the benefit of richly connected family members at richly connected academic institutions.

For those complaining about welfare, I recommend open a book and worry more about how easily replaceable you are. (:says the guy who literally works in a supermarket:).

“GUNS GUNS GUNS”

Attention. President Obama will not ban your guns. No matter what the rhetoric, they aren’t the votes or feasibility to ever do this. As a loony, anti-gun liberal; it pains me to say those words. But we’ve seen it time and time again. If Sandy Hook didn’t do it, nothing will.

But again, these are just a giant circlejerk as well. It’s really a collection of people who are pissed off against the world for not valuing their opinions so they resort to the one issue they care about so everyone can like their comment and they can feel smart for a day. At this point, its not even worth engaging.

“RON PAUL IS THE GREATEST”

These people still exist? Didn’t the whole Ron Paul thing kinda fade out when Gary Johnson couldn’t even scrape above 5% in his home state and when Rand Paul, with the exception of the olive branch he throws when he discusses the NSA & TSA, turned out to be a pretty average, team-playing Republican?

Nope, still there. :shares a photo on the Federal Reserve and Hitler:.

“VIVA EL SOCCER THE BEAUTIFUL GAME”

God I fucking hate soccer. Not in the sense that I hate watching it, in fact I get excited for the World Cup and have been a proud Sunderland supporter since 2007, but there is nothing worse than people who have just discovered “the beautiful game”. They will root for countries, they will blame the refs for hating America (even when America isn’t playing) and will clog your social media timelines with inane caps-lock chants.

Attention. You are not in the stands. There’s no need to recite Glory Glory in 140 characters or less. You aren’t as cultured as you believe you are and there’s no need to cheer at the local “pub” (CALL IT A BAR DAMMIT) every time Michael Bradley breaks up a pass. For every person that makes more than one World Cup mention per day, they should be flogged by a citizen of the country they are discussing. I’d kill to see a man from Croatia beat the shit out of Zach Braff. I bet Zach Braff roots for them too. Cause fuck him.

“WHY IS A PARKWAY NOT CALLED A DRIVEWAY SINCE YOU DRIVE ON IT?”

There is one person, who you haven’t spoken to, that tries to pass off every fake Will Ferrell or Men’s Humor tweet as their own witty joke and have a few people fall for it going “smh, you post the funniest shit”. Jokes are not original, and never have been, as usually people make the same observations daily and at this point; it’s not worth getting mad over. But can we stop being tacky?

“Spotify”

Do I really need to see that you’ve listened to that wretched “Rude” song fifteen times today?

“Major Milestone”

Okay, since your Facebook is all about you; you are allowed to post statuses for major life events such as graduation, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, an engagement, etc. but can we stop being thankful for everything just because you want your status liked? Don’t worry, we see all of your statuses but you don’t need to thank me for all the love and support you got that helped you take a shit. Keep it less than two sentences Hemingway.

“FIFTEEN HOURS OF STUDYING!”

Congrats, you studied for way too long. I’m not impressed.

“PEOPLE THESE DAYS……”

Okay, anyone under the age of 50 cannot complain about the next generation. This is literally the worst thing ever. You will see people bitching about how “politically correct” kids these days are, or how “EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY NOW…THESE FIVE YEAR OLDS WILL BE ON WELFARE BY TEN” or worse yet “how lazy the next generation is” because they have iPads.

Here’s a minor history lesson for you people. You didn’t have to get drafted into a war. You had video games. You had rude tendencies when you were a kid and you certainly didn’t always listen to your parents like today’s generation. You wasted your time, you probably didn’t work as hard as you think you did and you certainly are showing off how jealous you were that you didn’t have a PlayStation when you were 10.

Every generation hates the next generation. We aren’t raising “A NATION OF PUSSIES” because Timmy got a participation trophy. Your childhood was likely pretty damn generous and you are also showcasing why parents shouldn’t hit their children or punish them too severely for minor infractions. Because you turn them into petty, vengeful and vindictive adults who are wishing to put their “TOUGH LOVE” schtick onto the next generation.