by whitney

I told myself that I didn’t care.
that I didn’t need anymore
that I could look back on the good times
laugh and cry over memories that play like
half hour episodes
with arcs and twists

I told myself that I didn’t care.
but I should have known:
I was doomed from the start

I fled when it got rough
and I can’t help but wonder
if I had only stuck it out
if I had waited just one more year
if I had just been patient,
would the rewards have been that much greater?

patience, a virtue I’ve struggled to capture
one that has always danced just out of my grasp
if I could only close my fingers over it

I would have been in tears by this point,
that is almost a guarantee,
but they would have been cascading
over a spreading smile.

*

and now here I am:
a heart cracked right down the middle
cheeks with salty trails tracing the contours
trying to remember why I left you
why I gave up.

Despite my having doggedly avoided watching this season (except for the episode where Jim made Pam cry and the ‘cameraman’ comforted her, because I had to see what all the fuss was about) I decided to watch the finale of The Office even though I already knew what happened, due to a mixture of my sleuthing and people’s spoiler-ridden social media posts. This was probably not my brightest idea, since I spent about half an hour out of the forty-or-so-minute-long episode sobbing my face off. I mean, I expected to get emotional and tear up a bit because that’s my reaction to every piece of film and television that I watch, it seems. But I did not except to weep.

I stopped watching The Office at the end of last season because it was terrible. Don’t try to defend it, it was not funny and it was terrible, okay, we can all admit that now that it’s left us with gaping paper cuts in our hearts (get it? Paper cuts because they sell…nevermind). Also, I’m just going to go ahead and say that it did not get bad when Michael left; it was already way off before that but whatever that doesn’t matter; it’s all behind us now.

Anyway, I cried cries, I felt feels, I sobbed, I laughed, I bawled, I snorted, I gasped, I blubbered, it was a mess. I started this poem before I watched it, and then wrote the final stanza after. I don’t feel like I missed out, not having watched the final season in its entirety, but I do wish that I had watched this finale (and maybe the penultimate episode) in real time before I spoiled it for myself. That way when Michael gave his final “that’s what she said” (oh shut up, if you’ve spent any time on the internet lately then you know that he came back) I would’ve just broken down and never resurfaced from my tornado of tears and utter joy. Oh God, my heart is wilting just reflecting upon that moment. Wow, I did not even mean to write all this, I just set out to explain that the poem above is about a TV show, not a person because duh, that would require me being able to interact socially.