That's not...entirely inaccurate...

The Hockey News's Charlie Teljeur has penned a fictional postcard from an inanimate object that happens to be touring the world with the Detroit Red Wings this summer, and he's not entirely inaccurate in suggesting that Stanley's fellow trophies at the Hockey Hall of Fame are missing a tremendous trip:

July 10, The Hockey News: You probably heard about my historic maiden voyage to Newfoundland. It was actually quite nice. The people there are genuine, friendly and really great to be around. Of course, weeks later, I still smell like fish.

I don't know the exact stats, but I think I'm about half way through this summer's itinerary. I never really get the updates because, frankly, they have this hangup about talking to a piece of silverware. They spend their lives escorting an inanimate object around the globe while wearing white gloves and I'm the weird one.

Chris Chelios took me on his board again this year. Dude's a surfer, did you know? So, we're up riding this really huge wave, when all of a sudden, we're swept off by this major swell and, next thing I know, there's a 12-foot shark trying to turn me into tinfoil. Stupid thing couldn't make a dent, although he did do a number on Ken Linseman's nameplate. I think it was a Great White, which means there are now at least two kinds of sharks that can't get a hold of the Stanley Cup!

The European leg of this thing is going to take longer than usual this time around. Sweden alone is going to take three weeks - four if we're slowed by any more caribou herds. Everyone is blonde here, even the redheads are just blondes with freckles.

I think we're going to some festival tomorrow celebrating some sort of ancient Viking thing...or it could be a strip club. It might even be an ancient Viking strip club. I'm also really hoping I get to see where ABBA is buried. Well, last stop on the tour is Henrik Zetterberg's house. I still think it's a stupid idea that I have to visit the players in alphabetical order, but who listens to trophies anymore?

Technically speaking, the Cup is not made of stainless steel, as Teljeur suggests earlier on in the story (it's made of a silver-nickel alloy), there's no way that the Cup Keepers would allow it to surf (sinking is probably a much more immediate concern than a shark attack), the Wings don't have enough Scandinavians for the Cup to spend more than...18 days...in Sweden and Finland, and it's actually heading out to Western Canada next week. Going from Cleary to Chelios alone invalidates the alphabetical theory.