Two policemen approach a man wondering around the parking lot of a bar with his car keyes in his hand. The police man him what he was doing in the parking lot obviously intoxicated. The man replied that he had lost his car. It was there a minute ago at the other end of his keyes. The policeman told him he was too drunk to drive and took his keyes away. The man was very upset and started to walk away when the policeman had called him back to tell him his fly was open and his penis was sticking out of his pants. The man became very wide eyed and obviously upset shouting...."OMG, I've lost my wife too".

LOL, I heard this one many many years ago so I hope I got it right. I don't usually remember jokes but this one always stayed with me.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"