Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Doliviena Check Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Looking for something cute to wear to the polls? It’s the little details that I love so much on this checked sheath dress (which also comes in a dark red check) — the elbow-length sleeves tipped with the same solid black trim on the waistband, and for once I kind of like the exposed zipper as an anchoring detail at the back of the dress. It’s $545, at Nordstrom and Bloomingdale’s (and Bloomie’s has the price on the pictured dress down to $381, although there are lucky sizes only). Doliviena Check Sheath Dress

Another Tech Update: We made some edits to the comments (font size, spacing, and the timestamp should now be navy for you) — we’re going to try to add some shading to the name as well like we had before. We’ll keep you posted, but if you don’t see the timestamp in navy you may want to refresh your browser. (It should look like this screenshot.)

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I had to wait on line for 1/2 hour, and it was raining, so I got wet! FOOEY, but I did vote and I hope the HIVE all turned out like me b/c we MUST vote to be heard. We must remember that all of the #metoo movement needs for us to vote out men that just want for us to have s-x with them, b/c they will NEVER marry us if we do what they want all the time and make us have s-x with him. I told my ex NEVER to expect any other woman to do what I did b/c I really did NOT realize that he was subjugating me by makeing me do stuff to him while he just leaned back and did NOTHING to reciprocate. I will NEVER forget how dumb I was to do all of that stuff for him, getting nothing in return. Do NOT let men tell us what to do, and voting will get more women elected. That is what we need. YAY!!!

Sorry if this is too philosophical but I can’t discuss IRL — did you ever get to an age or life stage where you felt society just didn’t value you anymore and you were just another adult?

Thru life I feel like I’ve “won over” people. Not bc I am hot/cute (far from it) but once people start talking to me, they find me pleasant and sometimes witty and I make them smile/feel good. This was true of every one – from the secretary at the dr office to the dr to the gate agent at the airport. And to some extent I always benefited from being “the kid/the youngest” — people asking about college, what I was studying, my job etc. and that went on well into my mid 30s so I was hardly a kid.

Now 40 and I swear no one even cares if I’m there or not. Seems like no one even responds to my attempts at being nice and I can’t exactly “win over” people anymore. People will say rude things directly to me. I swear the only time anyone is nice to me anymore (friends and family, and folks who’ve known me for years excepted) is when they realize I have money and may be looking to spend a few thousand in their establishment/on some service they’re selling.

I’m sure part of it is I’m not trying anymore — but is this just what happens when women get older? Like there’s a new crop of young, interesting people to converse with? They’re just not “valued” esp if they aren’t someone’s mom? Or is it just me?

I am sorry you feel that way (in the sympathetic “that sucks; it’s never great to feel others don’t value you” sense, not the dismissive “it’s a you problem, just get over it ” sense.) I clarified that opening because I’m a few years ahead of you and find the same circumstance totally liberating, so it’s interesting to me to read a different view on the issue. To me, one of the joys of being well into my 40s is that I frankly don’t give a damn what most people think of me anymore. I don’t tryto win over people; I need to be civil and professional and expect them to be the same. If a gate agent gets me my boarding pass efficiently, and I move out of the line efficiently, I have give not a half-second thought to whether we were nice to each other. Maybe I’m a curmudgeon, but I don’t need to smile at the grocery clerk or strike up a conversation with the people in line, so I don’t give it a second thought if that clerk didn’t smile at me first. I’m polite – always – but care not a whit if some stranger values my time/conversation. In retrospect, I was never the type to try to strike up a conversation in a line anyway. Maybe my introverted self finally “fits” my age.

I’ve experienced this with my weight. It’s like a woman over a size 10 is invisible. I know that’s not necessarily true for everyone, but I don’t think I’m likeable enough to be a “funny/nice fat girl” or whatever that trope is. At first, I thought this is just what happens when you’re a little older, no longer student-aged. But nope I dropped back down to a size 8-10 and all of a sudden I’m visible again. I’m not doing anything else differently. I don’t think I’m even more “confident” or whatever; before I lost weight I was more or less cool with my body at any size (a whole different issue – but I was only able to lose weight when I accepted myself). When I gain a little weight, like when I come back from vacation/the holidays/winter doldrums and I’ve put on 5-10 lbs, suddenly I’m invisible again. It’s like there’s a 10 lb difference between being seen as worthwhile and not. I’m 34 fwiw.

My size has been similar now for many years, but I’ve noticed a change in visibility due to my haircut! At 34, I went from long hair to a very short cut, but did not change anything else about my appearance. Suddenly, I got far less attention. To me, it goes to show that there’s an EXTREMELY narrow concept of what women should look like to deserve admiration or recognition. However, for the first time I now get compliments on my hair (from women and probably gay men) and that’s really fun. I don’t mind this inadvertent screening of people based on their need for me to have long hair.

A friend of my family, who is in her 60s, told me that she has never felt invisible because she “sees” other people. She seemed to be saying that if you keep truly seeing others, they will not stop seeing you. Just adding her perspective.

I’ve been considering getting a “men, ignore me” haircut recently. Kind of courting male disapproval with my looks – a physical manifestation of “I don’t exist FOR you” maybe? But I want to look cute for me, and I’m afraid my head might secretly be a weird shape under all this hair.

I’m 49 and the 10 lb deal has been true at any age so far. My current weight plus 10 pounds does not make me look significantly larger (same clothes) but each time I gain it and then buckle down to lose it (about three times over the last twenty years), I seem to garner more attention – and frankly, better service – from the general public.

What do you mean by attention? From men? From servers/retail people? From coworkers/bosses? The service I get from retail/servers varies, and seems to depend entirely on how well I’m dressed and whether I’m open and engaging. When I’m in a bad mood, or when I’m dressed sloppily or don’t have makeup on, I find people write me off more.

From men, to be honest, I don’t care and don’t pay attention. I have never been someone who gets hit on or approached by men (I’m tall, loud, and have big hair) and the few times it has happened in everyday life, I find it disruptive and bothersome.

My coworkers and bosses don’t seem to care when my weight fluctuates, and have only given me more respect as I’ve gotten older.

I’m not saying that other people don’t have these experiences, but I am curious how context fits in here.

I’m not sure I didn’t feel valued when hitting 40, but I definitely felt invisible. I hadn’t realized how much people paid attention to me because I was, I guess, in some way f%^*able, and stopped paying attention once I’d aged out of it. Of course, I am mainly speaking of men here, but it seemed to affect how women saw me as well. In fact, I never noticed how much people were looking at me and paying attention to me until they stopped.

I’m over 50 now and things have improved. I am not cuter than I was at 40, and in fact I weigh a good deal more, but some level of authority has taken the place of the f%^*ability factor and I can live with that a lot better anyway.

If I have any advice for you, it’s to be well groomed and well dressed and stand up straight and don’t take no for an answer. Not that this should all be on you, it shouldn’t and it sucks that you’re being treated as invisible, but since it makes you miserable, there are little things you can do to increase your “presence” in a situation. Eye contact is good too.

I’m 50. I’m with you: these days, competent and authoritative counts for a lot more than charm. I don’t feel invisible. I’m comfortable with being valued primarily for my skills and what I bring to the table. I suppose I feel at times that the stakes are higher than when I was young-ish; now there is less of a safety net provided by being an up-and-comer or whiz kid–in effect, the youngest woman in the room. I do what I can to mentor younger women in my field.

This is very interesting to me. As I moved to a WFH position (and effectively became a hermit) in my late twenties, I found that I need to be much more authoritative, sometimes bordering on rude, and practice not taking no for an answer in my work life much, much more. In face-to-face, was I getting cooperation just for being a reasonably competent young female? I definitely had to adjust my interaction with the work world to be seen and heard (I guess because the f%^*ability factor became a non-factor?). I have to say that this entire experience has actually helped me become a better person and realize how much of work interaction is age/gender prejudiced. Now almost 10 years in, I am well respected and frequently surprised when people I’ve never met reach out to me for my expertise on one thing or another.

I’ve experienced this with appearance changes from illness that made me look a lot older and more tired. People started being nicer again after my more youthful appearance was restored. This probably wasn’t because I was feeling better or radiating more positive energy or something, since the less superficial aspects of the chronic illness continued to get worse. I’m annoyed by the reply from the introvert, because there’s a big difference between benevolent invisibility and invisibility coupled with “ugh, why are you talking to me?” reactions and actual rudeness.

I also got the sense that that commenter didn’t really understand. Like, starting in my mid-20s I got significantly less unwanted attention from men than when I was in my teens and very early 20s. I developed early so it started at like 12 for me; I never got over how uncomfortable it made me feel. It’s been such a relief to be able to go to a bar or restaurant by myself and just read a book in peace.

But that’s not what the OP was talking about. It’s asking for assistance at the information center at a mall/airport/stadium and being treated like you’re a nuisance. It’s trying to order a drink at a bar and being repeatedly overlooked in favor of later-coming attractive people (men and women). It’s people at the train station shoving you out of the way and then yelling at you for being in the way in the first place – and no one comes to your aid. Like yes these things sometimes happened to me when I was younger/thinner/etc. but not nearly at the frequency as when I’ve been older/bigger/less made up/less “attractive”.

I get what you’re saying in your second para, and agree there is no excuse for overt rudeness or being pushed out of the way, ever. I do not tolerate being treated as a nuisance or ignored, and will absolutely ask for a manager or otherwise ensure the person is meeting their professional responsibilities. My original comments were directly more at the OP’s notes on her efforts to try to “win over” people and that it’s harder to “win over” receptionists and such, and that she misses being asked about her job and college, etc. I just don’t see the need to “win over” strangers. I expect good service and will not stand for being treated rudely, but do not feel slighted if people aren’t overtly “nice” in the way the OP was describing, by having strangers engage me in conversations about my life.

This is interesting to me, because I feel I’ve never garnered attention — apart from my work skills, or when I’m doing public speaking or something. But not any noticeable attention when I’m not “on” or when I’m not around my friends or family. So the idea of having it and then losing it baffles me. Who is this attention from …men? Waitstaff? Or just the feeling that people once paid attention when you walked into a room and now they no longer do?

I’m wondering what it would feel like to have this happen, whatever it is.

I started a job about 9 months ago. I only work for 3-4 senior people (and don’t have other options, so can’t just not work with certain people). There’s one senior person who is driving me insane. I think he means well, but his tone comes off as incredibly condescending and patronizing, both in person and by email. I’ve been practicing law for several years, was respected at my last job, and have been told by him and others that I’m doing good work here, but the way he talks to me is as though I’m straight out of school with absolutely nothing to contribute in terms of experience. FWIW, I think he has this tone with everyone junior to him. He also seems to constantly be “testing” me on legal issues (feels like a pop quiz). I constantly feel like a child when working with him.

I’ve already started looking for other jobs (for this and other reasons). In the meantime, however, any tips for staying sane? I have managed to be patient to his face so far, but am struggling to deal with him.

It may be worth trying to separate the content from the delivery i.e if the content of what is saying is still useful (re legal matters, feedback via emails etc) maybe you could focus on that.
There are people who operate under the assumption that everyone is stupid until proven otherwise and that is a challenging atmosphere to work in, especially if he is directly senior to you (vs a different practice area/specialization) but acknowledging that this could just be the way he operates may help with your sanity.

Thanks all, I needed this perspective. I do need to focus on the content, not the tone, and just get over it. This is just one of the issues at the job that’s frustrating me, it just got overwhelming yesterday. Thanks for the kick in the ***!

Late to the party, but I don’t think “just deal with it” is the right answer here. I don’t want to be treated in a condescending manner regularly, and I don’t think that being a boss/manager makes it okay. I’d be finding a new job. There’s no reason he can’t change how he speaks to you, but there’s also no way you’ll be able to influence that. For me, this falls into the bucket of things I can’t control, can’t influence, and can’t fix, so I’d be out of there once I found something better.

Is it a red flag if a man doesn’t take the initiative in planning dates?

I recently met a man online whom I like a lot. Since a fantastic first date two weeks ago, we’ve been sending daily short emails, gone on another great date, and set up a third date for this weekend.

But I’m the one who set up the second two dates (asked if he wanted to get together and picked the places after he said yes). Even though I don’t mind the act of planning, it gives me pause because previously when men have truly been interested in me, they’ve been very up front about saying “this was fun, can I see you again this weekend?” and have planned the dates themselves.

This guy is not shy and awkward so that’s not the issue. He is very busy with a demanding travel-filled job that barely leaves him any time for himself, so that might be at least part of it.

In many other ways, especially relative to the short time I’ve known him, he seems very interested in me. He remembers and seems to care what’s going on in my life, he pays attention to my comfort, he talks to me about his friends like he wants me to know who they are. He’s happily agreed to the plans I suggested. When we’re together he mentions stuff we could/should do together in the future. He’s in touch basically every day with emails that are short but which bring me into his life and his feelings about what’s going on in it.

Also, maybe he actually would initiate dates if I waited longer before asking him myself. But I really like him and don’t want to wait forever to see him, so after a few days without plans on the calendar I have caved in and asked. But I don’t want to be ignoring a red flag that he’s not truly interested, just because I like him so much. I’ve been dating a second guy at the same time, and I’m much less interested in guy 2, but because of how he proactively plans future dates, guy 2’s interest in me is so clear and leaves me in no doubt! And meanwhile here I am fretting over guy 1… But it feels way too early to me to bring it up with him (right? I mean I haven’t even known him a month…)

Yeah – I think he likes you a lot. I think you can tell a lot by his enthusiasm level when you ask about future plans. Some people just aren’t planners (I’m not, and I get where his head is at – I have a similar job with lots of travel/weird hours) and if he’s excited about going out with you, I wouldn’t worry. Really – don’t borrow trouble.

Omg you’ve been on 2 dates. This isn’t a relationship. Pls try to chill. I too like it when men plan ever anything at all. After next date, wait and see if he makes a plan. If he doesn’t don’t have a talk about it just move on.

I hate to say this, but I think guy 1 may enjoy you but doesn’t really have strong feelings for you. A year ago, I probably would have answered differently. But over the last year, I and multiple friends have gone out with guys where we were always/often initiating the dates and every single one of those ended badly. Maybe they liked us as people, but they did not see long term potential. After your date this weekend, I would wait and see if he plans another one.

I think he likes you (enough for you to keep seeing him–the emails say a lot to me), but would take this strategy about the next date. Sit back and wait. It will be hard and he will probably wait WAY longer than you want but I think it will give you some peace of mind or answer some questions about how into you he really is. Some people aren’t planners (my ex wasn’t for sure), but if he likes you he’ll actively find time to see you–even if it’s super last minute.

Someone mentioned this a little while ago – but I recently got back on Bumble and I’m floored by how many men want to move to texting pretty much immediately – as in, within a few messages and before there’s been any mention of getting together in person. I can understand asking for someone’s number to check in before your scheduled date, but what’s the rush with moving off the app as soon as you say hi? I’m usually chatting with like 10+ different guys at any given time, I don’t want all of them texting me! That’s crazy disruptive! And when I decline to give out my number so quickly, they lose interest. It wasn’t like this the last time I was on the app (a few months ago). What gives? Are they just collecting numbers?

I don’t get it either. But I do find it is a good filter. And, frankly, in my experience, the ones who ask for my number and I actually provide it (rare) are often the ones who text once or twice and then fall off the face of the planet. I don’t think I’m losing any good guys by refusing to give my number before meeting in person.

Not to jack this thread but I have another dating app question – anyone have a script for responding to inappropriately probing or personal questions early on? I’ve had a lot of relationship history questions – when was my last relationship, how long did it last, how long was my most serious relationship – questions I’d be fine with on like a 4th date (or maybe even earlier if we really hit it off) but it comes off as odd and pushy to ask stuff like this before you even know what I like to do with my free time. I’m guessing that these guys want to know I’m not rebounding, which is fair, but I’d still like to politely shut it down without totally killing the conversation.

In my experience, that’s exactly when you want to shut down the conversation. Someone who has boundary issues after a couple messages will not improve with time.

If you really want to keep talking for some reason, why not just say “hey, that’s more like 4th date conversation” and then ask a lighter questions. If they keep pushing, you know they won’t listen to you or respect your wishes, so a useful result regardless.

I was one of the commenters on that thread. I was pushed for a number, gave it, and then he disappeared until he started texting several days later – and kept texting over the weekend with no reciprocation from me, until I blocked his number. Over the weekend, I was annoyed by a gentleman who gave me his number and asked me to text him later to see if it would work to meet for a drink that evening – ok, I thought, a text is less likely to be missed than a Bumble message. When I did text, he first confused me for another person with the same name he was bumbling with, and then after it didn’t work that evening, or when he texted me about getting together after 7pm the next evening when I’d already made plans, he stated that he never works this hard to meet for the first time. Excuse me? I have a lot of friends and options for what to do most any evening, I’m not waiting around watching Netflix waiting for you to text.

Overall, I agree you’re not losing any good ones by sticking to your guns. There are occasional times I see it being fine to give out a number, but I think I’m done giving out mine before we’ve met.

Stop taking birth control now. It can take up to that long for it to clear your system. But, it can also clear much quicker than that, so if you do stop make sure you’re using other methods OR be ok with the potential of an earlier pregnancy.

The terminology isn’t accurate, but it is true that your body can take a while to find its natural rhythm. I went off Yasmin in mid-Sept and haven’t gotten my end of sentence yet (trying to avoid mod!). I have been tracking and only just [email protected] a couple of days ago. Everyone is different, but it’s true that it can take a few months for things to normalize. Additionally, hormonal birth control can mask underlying problems, so going off of it can provide some time for testing, treatment, etc if it turns out there are issues.

It can, but you definitely do not need to wait six months before trying. I found this to be helpful: Here’s the scoop: If you’ve heard that it takes at least three months for your body to start ovulating again after stopping the pill—this is not true. For most women, ovulation will start within weeks, though it can take one to three months. Think about it—the pill works by stopping ovulation; if you miss a couple of pills, you could become pregnant because your body will ovulate. Some doctors even say that you are most fertile right when you stop taking the pill.

So where does the “three month myth” come from? Many doctors may tell you to use a condom (or other OTC method) until you have had three periods. This advice is only based on the fact that waiting the three months will help you keep track of your cycle. So, if you get pregnant, you can better predict when the pregnancy took place. There is no medical reason to wait. Just be prepared that your fertility can return within the first month after stopping the birth control pill.

If you have any preexisting health issues (no matter how minor), talk to your doctor now as to whether there is anything you need to do to prepare your body for TTC/pregnancy and to get an understanding of how those issues might affect you during pregnancy.

I have some complex chronic illnesses–started working with my doctors about 18 months out from TTC (timeline was recommended by my doc for specific issues, no reason to think you would necessarily need that long) and was able to get things pretty well under control by the time we actually started–I’d like to think it was a factor in us getting pregnant within a pretty short time frame, and having relatively few complications from these illnesses during pregnancy and postpartum.

X-rays are best avoided. And you shouldn’t have certain kinds of freezing. I have dental issues and childbearing has had a major impact on the pace I can get it done at. Most emergencies can be handled and mitigated but it is definitely something you want done in advance. Interestingly, laser eye surgery is the same. I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for nine years and cannot get it done because my prescription is too “unstable” even though it hasn’t ever changed in that time.

Hate to be a downer but depending on how old you are, if you have any reason to suspect you may have issues (irregular cycles, unusually painful periods, health conditions, previous infections) do not wait a year (or even 4-6 months) of TTC before getting checked out. We encountered a rare, symptomless issue that ultimately led to having to do IVF but I’m shocked at the number of women I’ve met through this process who had minor or major symptoms and ignored them while TTC for 1 or more years, only to find out they would need a lot of help. For most people getting pregnant is easy, but a large percentage (1 in 8, even more if you’re 35+) will need help. If you do have trouble, just tell your doc you’ve been trying longer and insist on testing.

Agree, and would add that you should mentally prepare yourself that the journey may be as easy as you want, or it may turn out quite differently. As a Type A woman who is used to being successful when I try something, it was easy to plan for when we were going to start trying and then assume we’d have a baby 9 months later. It has been harder than I’d like to admit to adjust to a much longer TTC period that I’d hoped for (still trying…), especially when everyone in my life seems to blink and get knocked up.

Would suggest reading Taking Charge of My Fertility (which is an illuminating book no matter where you are in the process – can’t believe I knew so little about my body!), taking prenatals and making any lifestyle changes (like exercise) now, and, if you’re not so lucky to have success within 6 months of trying, regardless of your age, go to a reproductive endocrinologist who can help assess problems. Avoid googling, as there’s way too much crazy advice out there, often on blogs populated by people who really know nothing of what they speak.

Also, if you’re in open enrollment in the next 6 months, check your insurance plan to make sure it supports maternity care and see what benefits are available for fertility interventions (probably very few, and it’s hard to get this info, so be prepared to dig). As soon as you’re off BC (would do that now, as someone suggested), start tracking your cycle so you begin to know when to try.

Finally, you may already be good on this front, but I would work on building communication with your partner – there’s a lot that’s sensitive both about TTC and planning for parenting, and I found we both came in with preconceived notions and assumptions. Additionally, as someone for whom TTC has not been easy, I’ve found it challenging that so much of the burden necessarily falls on me (whether that’s actual burden of doctors appointments and taking hormones or just the mental burden of knowing where I am in my cycle) – the more I can be open on that front and tell him where I need support, the better. I also found it helpful going into the process to have a strong alignment with my partner about what we would and wouldn’t be open to in terms of interventions/alternate routes (IUI, IVF, adoption, donors, etc).

Get checked for CMV. My OB checked at my first pregnancy appointment and I tested positive for recent exposure. It made the pregnancy very stressful. If I had known that I had CMV when I was trying, I would have just waited a few months (it’s ok if you have had CMV, you just can’t have an active infection).

My hair has been looking so… meh. Would love any hair/tips advice and products. I have long highlighted hair and two days post washing it starts looking dry and. Debating whether I should just chop off a lot of length or try to rescue it in some way.

I have a similar set to this (not sure what the brand is) and I really like them. The shape of the measuring spoons is really good because it can fit into spice jars. Round ones don’t always. Just something to keep in mind.

It’s my birthstone, so I’ve worn aquamarine off and on over the years. I don’t think any semi-precious stone really goes “out of style” by itself, but it’s more about the piece overall being a classic, or in a vintage style that you love that will age well.

Some of the most beautiful jewelry I’ve ever seen is my grandmother’s aquamarine jewelry (she had a March birthday). It’s probably between 40 and 70 years old and I love it all! I also don’t think birthstones really ever go “out”. That alone keeps them somewhat current

I’m quite cheap about buying books so I tend to make a list of new releases that I’d be too stingy to buy myself. I also want these fuzzy slipper boots I saw in the outdoor store and really long gloves.

A silly luggage tag because my former silly luggage tag got lost on my last trip.
A set of stainless steel straws.
Sheet mask packs.
One of the stainless-steel water bottles I got for my wife last year that I’ve been coveting (Simple Modern on @mazon).

I’d be tickled with a gift card or two from the greenhouse where I get plants from in the spring — but they don’t open again until April.
The last two seasons of Nashville on DVD — but they’re not available in a compatible format for US DVD players.

I REALLY would love a pair of turquoise cowboy boots and a new set of pots and pans and a set of REALLY good kitchen knives, but those are too expensive to ask for, so I’ll just put them on my on private wish list and just pick out a sweater and tell my sister to get me a tiny little bottle of perfume because I’m running low. I always feel bad if anyone spends a lot of money on me.

I’ve had a cold for what feels like a month, which progressed to sinus headaches starting last Friday. Already tried neti-pot, taking tylenol, and I’m on day 4 of antibiotics. Any other tips? These are ROUGH! And I’ve never had them before!

I’m so sorry! Sinus infections are just miserable. Are you taking decongestants? Old-school sudafed – the kind that you have to get from the pharmacy desk – has worked for me. It makes me a little drowsy, but it’s better than feeling my teeth every time I move my head.

Interesting that real sudafed makes you drowsy. It’s a fairly strong stimulant, which is one of the reasons it makes me feel so much better when I’m sick– dries out the sinuses and puts some pep in my step.

I recently had the flu, then a cold, and now allergies. It’s awesome. /s When I couldn’t breathe at night I found a warm washcloth on my face was the best at temporary relieving nasal congestion. The nasal decongestant spray helped too. I also took Mucinex around the clock, oral decongestant during the day, and cough suppressant at night (get the separate one, not the one mixed with Mucinex–the separate one lasts 12 hours instead of four). The neti-pot was huge, I used it maybe four or five times a day for a while, so keep at it on that front. Get as much rest and drink as many fluids as possible. Also, ask for help. I totally felt like I had a “man cold” by the time I made it to the only-allergies zone but everyone in my life was happy to help (food, more kleenex, etc.).

Spicy food, particularly spicy soup. Specifically pho if you can get it. The capsaicin helps open up your sinuses and relieve the congestion. It’s not a long term effect, but it helps me breathe freely for a couple of hours after eating when I’m super congested. Bring plenty of tissues to the table if you do this though, you’ll need them.

tea. tea tea tea till you are about to float away. I have had sinus problems my whole life, so bad they stagger doctors, and tea is better than anything else. Spicy soup is also helpful, particularly with congestion, but if you have the damaged/inflamed tissue without enough mucus for protection, it can be a double edged sword.
TLDR: TEA!!!!

You guys. I’m so mad at myself right now. My husband has always had an entrepreneurial streak but has had regular corporate jobs. He finally had an idea that he was convinced would work and that he could get off the ground while working and keeping his income, so I was supportive. A few times where he’d show me his models, I thought projected volume seemed high, but he was SO confident and had industry knowledge that I just don’t have. I also felt like if I rained on this parade, it would be something that caused resentment over time and would be his ghost ship, so I went along with it.

Well, he’s a few weeks in and it’s clear that this is a complete and total bust. The losses are much higher than he projected and basically equal my annual income. His projected “disaster case” losses were half that, so clearly the estimates were wildly off. Thank god my requirement for being on board was that he keep his main job, even if it meant working 18 hour days while trying to get this idea off the ground.

I’m mad at myself for not questioning this more and not pressing harder on the projections. I want to be supportive of my husband, as he clearly feels like a complete failure right now, but I’m also so frustrated like how could you possibly have been so far off? We’ll be able to survive these losses, but it’s going to have a significant impact on our quality of life for the next year. I’m also much more conservative and will happily spend the rest of my life plugging along at my well paying semi interestin corporate job and feel like WHAT is wrong with that? I just don’t feel like these wild swings for a home run are worth it if the ball is going to boomerang back and smash your teeth in.

I guess my main question is how do you be supportive of your spouse in this type of situation and how do I prevent being supportive now from turning into something that blurs HOW anxiety producing this was for me because I do not want to be having the same conversation about another wild idea a few years from now?

We got into this situation to some degree – the losses were much less relative to our income, but it’s caused a lot of resentment that is still ongoing (it was a real estate investment I didn’t want to do and it was his field, and my spouse has health problems now so I’ve had to handle it for years). I don’t know a good answer – like you, I went along with it to be supportive.

I think this is a really hard line to walk (supportive vs. realistic/financially conservative). Don’t beat yourself up–taking risks is part of life and it sounds like you are still on solid financial footing. Maybe try to figure out some very specific and concrete lessons learned to discuss with your husband? He definitely needs to hear how it’s made you feel, but perhaps waiting until he feels less stung by it would be more productive?

It’s good that you’re being introspective. You two made this gamble together. I think after you’ve both had some time to reflect, you should sit down and talk about what went wrong and what your strategies will be for the future.

You approached the situation like your husband was off doing something for his career on his own – and if that was the case, then yes you should’ve just sat back and let him do his thing. But when one partner is investing joint money into a business venture, that’s different. When that happens, you become business partners – at a minimum you’re a silent investor and he’s the manager of the business. You have every right to know what’s going on with YOUR money and to ask the same kinds of questions you would of a stranger whose business you’re investing in.

I’d talk it over in couple’s therapy because there’s obviously a lot to unpack, and it needs to be dealt with.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but to me part of being supportive isn’t just going along with a spouse’s ambitions, it’s really talking through them, poking holes if necessary. With his industry knowledge and strong idea, making his case to get you on board should have been a relatively low barrier to cross, and if he couldn’t do that then he should have gone back to the drawing board. It sounds like you abdicated this part of your responsibility and now want to put the blame all on him. Which I get, you’re angry, but this was a decision you two made together so you need to work through the consequences together instead of just painting him as the bad guy. Maybe the silver lining is that you learn better communication techniques?

You’re totally right – I’ve just been poking so many holes in so many ideas for such a long time that I’m basically a professional dreamcrusher. On paper, this idea seemed like something that could work. But, the models depended on numbers that he was totally confident in and said were based on industry norms that I didn’t really have any way of verifying. Initial order volume was 1/50 of what he projected in a worst case scenario.
I think part of the problem is that I don’t want to have to be the dreamcrusher! I don’t want to always have to be the practical, responsible, fiscally conservative one raining on his parade of sure to great businesses if I would only go along with them.

Yeesh, that sounds like a bigger problem that has unfortunately had fiscal ramifications for you. I still think working through it in couple’s therapy is the way to go. You shouldn’t have to take on the ‘dreamcrusher’ mantel. That’s not fair to you.

My husband is currently pursuing an entrepreneurial idea and I’m trying to support him. So far it looks like it is going to pan out well but I could be where you are at some point in the next 6 months to a year. I think I would try to sit down with him and talk about what went wrong, maybe at couples counseling if you think that would help. Not just what went wrong with his business, but more what went wrong with your communication going in. To me there are two separate issues: his business failing, and the fact that you felt a need to self-censor your concerns. Both need to be worked through.

Now that it’s getting dark at 4:30pm on the east coast, can anyone talk to me about car safety with kids? I’ve always been careful in parking lots/garages getting myself into cars quickly, locking the doors, and exiting.

Now that I have a 2 year old, I’m not sure how to stay safe in these situations. I’m hunched over the car seat, trying to get her buckled, and it easily takes 5 semi distracted minutes to get us set in the car. Recently, her new terrible two trick is to go completely rigid when I try to put her in the car seat so her butt isn’t in the seat and it’s a battle to get her in and sitting.

Should I be getting in the backseat with her, closing all the doors, and buckling her while sitting in the middle seat next to her?

I know I’m totally overthinking this but it made me nervous last night when I came out of buy buy baby at 5:30 and suddenly it was dark out and we had to get to our car in a garage with bags, diaper bag, baby, etc. I was definitely a walking target.

Do you live somewhere extremely unsafe? Do you have a thousand dollar diaper bag?

I am not trying to be insensitive here- but I don’t think moms with toddlers are the primary target for parking lot robberies or carjackings- and if your area is filled with these things at 5pm perhaps you ought to be shopping elsewhere?

This kind of random crime is extremely uncommon. Park under a light and near the building. If you’re extra nervous, ask if there’s a staff member from the store willing to walk you to your car and wait while you get the baby loaded.

OP here – thanks for the reality check! I’ve seen a bunch of things on social media about all the things women do to keep themselves safe that men don’t even think about – I think they started circulating after Dr Ford’s testimony and then last night had an omg moment where I just realized I’m not doing any of those things. The town next to ours (where the stores are) definitely has some crime, but I guess worst case it’s just someone running off with my handbag.

I agree with others that you don’t need to be worried. When I’ve been in a similar situation (or when it’s been pouring down rain/snow and I’ve been parked outside), yes, I have gotten in the back seat with my kiddo, locked the car, and then dealt with buckling her car seat. Be mindful about using the key fob to lock the car when you’re inside it though – sometimes the alarm will go off if you then exit the car without using the key fob to unlock (or something like that).

I live in a city with a high crime rate. What I do is put my bags, including purse, into the trunk right away. Then I get my kids loaded into the car and buckled up. Carjackers do not want to deal with children and my purse and shopping bags are already put away so I feel like this makes us much less of a target. Only once did someone approach me from behind (asking for money) but my startled reaction to get the f*%^ away from us did the trick haha. Just try to be aware of who is around.

How far in advance do you schedule vacations? When I joined my current firm (biglaw litigation) I was told to schedule as far in advance as possible for staffing purposes. I’ve been scheduling about 6 months out. This was different from my last firm, where they basically wanted you available whenever and scheduling a vacation in advance just increased the chance that it would be canceled. My current firm has a culture of respecting vacation. Or so I thought.

I’ve had a somewhat slow year; I’ll meet my hours but likely won’t exceed them by as much as I have in prior years. We also hired a new partner this year. She had a trial scheduled a month after she joined the firm and I wasn’t able to be staffed on it because it was in the middle of my long scheduled vacation. At my review, I was told that I should more “more creative with my time off” so I’m available to do the work when it comes in. They didn’t specifically reference the trial or my vacation. I’ve been unavailable for the partner conducting my review two other times this year – once when I was under general anesthesia for a scheduled medical procedure and once when I was at a firm-sponsored retreat (that I was asked to attend) that didn’t have internet access one weekend. They could’ve been referring to that. I guess I should’ve asked at the time what “more creative” meant but I was so taken aback I was worried I would’ve come across as snarky if I’d said something. So – is 6 months too long? Not long enough? Is there a right answer here?

I think your firm doesn’t want your vacation to ever interfere with their staffing needs – they want you to be available at every moment that they need you, even when they’ve asked you to attend an event (like that retreat). It’s not going to be possible unless you want to give up any prospect of scheduling vacation in advance. This is a firm problem. Not a you problem. Unfortunately, you work for the firm. So unless you have enough clout to push back, maybe you can start taking vacation on a more impromptu basis when you know you won’t be needed.

It’s so confusing because this is what I’d been doing at my last firm and I was perfectly happy to continue that – but the powers that be at this firm specifically told me to schedule way in advance. And when I’ve tried to schedule something sort of last minute when I know I won’t be needed, I get pushback for not scheduling sooner (even though I’m not needed). I’m so confused by the mixed messages!

Yeah I think I’m going to say no to the retreat if I’m asked to attend next year, or say that I can only attend if I can be guaranteed to have consistent internet and phone access (which they can’t do), and cite my review as the reason. Fwiw I wasn’t actually needed when I was at the retreat, apparently it just grated on my reviewer that I wouldn’t be available (or maybe it grated on him that he wasn’t invited….)

I think being creative means being willing to cancel if work comes up, or if you really have to go, make sure you have consistent Internet connection and be willing work the normal business hours of your office. I had to cancel my husband’s birthday trip this year but we made it a staycation and actually it was way less stressful than if we had traveled. I also went to Berlin earlier this year. Booked everything so couldn’t cancel but there was a closing happening while I was away so I made sure to get data plan and brought multiple devices so I can be available. I know it sucks but such is biglaw, at least for corporate junior/mid-levels.

So basically they’re just like your old firm and lying about respecting vacation. Go back to old practices – schedule vacations 1-2 weeks out when you KNOW nothing will be going on so it can’t be seen as – oh we’d staff her but looks like she’ll be on vacation, again.

There is no right answer.
How much notice is necessary somewhat depends on the type of trip and whether you are scheduling it knowing that it will cause a conflict, such as being near a trial or big briefing date. For us, there is a hierarchy. Weddings and honeymoons are sacred (even if they come at the worst time on a case)–typically known in advance. After that, would be clear, milestone family trips (e.g., first family reunion in twenty years, grandma’s 90th birthday, you get the idea). Then come the once in a lifetime trips were you will be off the grid – e.g, two week safari, cruise in Antarctica — notice for these would be a few months out or more. These need to be scheduled in advance and around known conflicts. At the bottom of the totem pole would be “hey, I’m with my husband on an extended long weekend to wine country” – those are more of a reach out to the people you are working with before booking.

Part of the problem is when you start to treat the last category as the equivalent of a massive milestone trip or a honeymoon and email people six months in advance. Just my two cents.

This. I generally do not ask off for something unless a flight is booked/something definite is planned. For example, I have had several family trips with my parents where I needed to leave at noon on a Friday, but since I didn’t “have” to leave then, i.e., we were driving and it would be fine if I was late/missed dinner, I never put those days on my calendar or formally asked off for them. Then, day of, if I could leave at noon, I just did, but then I wasn’t “unavailable” if that makes sense.

Also, when you were unavailable those other two times, did you just tell people that you were “out” or did you tell people where you were?

They mean that you should book 6 months out so that they can make sure they don’t have a bunch of people off at the same time but also that your vacation should not be so fixed that it can’t be moved if it becomes clear that an important trial or other matter is likely to occur then.

I would address this by booking the time off, then about 3 months out when you have a better sense of your schedule, adjusting dates and booking flights/accommodation with good travel insurance so you can cancel/rework flights if needed.

Kat some of the comments aren’t showing up for me. For example, on the comment by Anonymous at 11:02 I see a “collapse 3 replies” link at the end. If I click it, it changes to “expand 3 replies” but in neither case does it actually show the comments. This was happening some yesterday too.

With the new redesign I see an option underneath each main comment saying “Collapse xx replies” or “Expand xx replies” but nothing actually expands. It makes it seem like there are 5 responses to a post that I can’t see?

Feel like this topic has come up before but can’t find it – did you buy a house (single family) while single rather than a condo or townhome? If yes, why; if not – why did you opt for an apt? I find myself really wanting a house. For me it’s not about space or a yard (don’t care for either of those) but that I’ve gotten into home renovation etc lately and when I think about it I realize that can never be a hobby unless you have your own SFH – since condos, townhomes tend to restrict what you can do due to space constraints and HOA rules. But is this a legit reason?

I bought a house with a yard while single. I chose a small house. I could’ve purchased a townhouse for a similar price with a similar commute distance but it would’ve been twice as big and built on a lot half the size. But I never really considered doing that because I specifically did not want extra square footage to clean indoors and I also specifically wanted a yard. I spend a lot of time in my backyard relaxing and it was something I knew going in I would get a lot of use out of. If you want to buy, I would buy whatever you think will give you most utility. For some people that’s more square footage inside, for me it was more outside.

It depends where you live, but my townhouse never restricted me from doing anything to the interior. I’m sure it may differ if you’re in a fancy Manhattan co-op, but a regular townhouse or condo you can typically do just about whatever you want to inside.

I bought a single family with large square footage and modest yard. I needed yards space for my dogs and to have a decent size patio for relaxing and at least some flowers. In my area (Houston), it’s often an economic choice to buy sfh or townhome of basically the same size because the resale value on condos is terrible, and they’re hard to sell. I would have preferred a smaller home, but at least inside the city you have small lots big house, or huge lot, tiny house – and they’re roughly the same size, sometimes the tiny house is more experience. It just makes sense to go with the larger home – who wants to mow that much.

I have done it twice and it was great. The second time I really thought I was done with single family houses but after a year in an apartment I couldn’t wait to have an actual house again. I think whatever reason is important to you is a legit reason.

If you want to buy a house, then buy a house! I’m a single person; I bought a single family home because I couldn’t STAND sharing walls with neighbors anymore. But, if home renovation is your only reason for wanting a SFH over a condo or apartment, I’d just make sure you think about it long and hard and start planning well in advance. I was open to buying a home that would need a lot of work because I also liked the idea of doing that work myself and making it all my own. Ultimately what ended up being the right house for me was one where the previous owner had done all of that work, and let me tell you, it was so nice to just move in.

I bought a townhouse when single and in biglaw. At the time I was looking at both townhouses and single family home. But I wanted to stay close to downtown, and the only thing I could find in my price range that I liked was a townhouse (or condos, but I didn’t want one of those). In retrospect, it was completely the right choice for me. There is no way that I could have handled all the upkeep and yard work for a sfh when in biglaw. I don’t have to worry about shoveling snow or mowing the yard. And when my roof leaked over the summer, I just had to call the HOA. Now I’m single and in the government, and I still love my place.

Kat – there are a couple of issues with the collapse/expand comments I noticed (ipad, android phone, and chrome on desktop):
* At the top, you have to click the collapse/expand all comments at least twice before it does anything.
* If you click collapse/expand all comments and then expand one thread, it only shows the first level of responses, and not any responses to those responses.

* If you'd like to avoid the moderation queue in the future, please make sure that the top two fields (Username & Email Address) are filled out, and the checkbox is checked. Thank you for reading!
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