Furniture Follies

Hello out there, all my loyal viewers, (and those of you who wandered across my blog on accident)! As you know, today is Sunday, and we all know that Sunday signals the arrival of that barrel of laughs that I like to call my “Sunday Big Post”. So, sit back, relax, and try not to wet yourself in excitement as we discuss the joys of buying furniture!

Okay, so some (or most) of you out there probably just cocked an eyebrow at me and went, “Huh?” Well, let me tell you, when your ass is so fat it needs its own zipcode, buying furniture becomes more of a chore than a fun shopping experience.

Now look around your house at all of your furniture and make a mental checklist of all the pieces that you plant your fat (or skinny) ass in on a daily basis. Couch, loveseat, recliner, desk chair, dining chair, toilet seat, bed, folding chair, foldable camping chair, etc. Yeah. Now we’ll make a list of how many of those things my fat ass has broken. Couch, recliner, desk chair (x2), dining chair (x2), foldable camping chair (x3), toilet seat (x3), folding chair, and finally, bed (x3). Uh, yeah. So my fat ass has broken pretty much any piece of furniture you can throw at it. And trust me, having your folding chair buckle and break, spilling you into the floor like some repulsive puddle of fat during a wedding ceremony is not a fun experience. Neither is breaking the toilet seat at your in-law’s house. Twice. In one week.

Now, some of you are probably laughing hysterically and others are probably shaking their heads in disgust going, “Good Lord, you would think ONE broken toilet seat would be enough to tell him to lay off the cheeseburgers!” Well, it wasn’t. What it did tell me though, is this: Firstly- Replacing furniture sucks ass. It’s expensive, embarrassing, and sometimes results in the same experience, i.e.- being vomited into the floor by a chair that finally gives up the ghost after supporting your fluffiness for 36.5 seconds. And by fluffiness, I mean your 862lb. ass. Secondly- This just goes to show that furniture makers need to quit being such cheapskates. I mean, I weigh nowhere NEAR 862 lbs, and I’ve still broken ALL that furniture. What about all those fatties out there who are fluffier than me?! Those guys must either be really good friends with the furniture store salesman, or they must get a great deal for buying furniture in bulk.

I have learned a trick or two in the past for bypassing the expense part, but I’ve found it only works on those foldable camping chairs, and it only works at Walmart. What you do is, after having squeezed your fat ass into the moaning, groaning chair at that benefit concert that your wife dragged you to, then, after it suddenly pops loudly and spills you out onto your back, your feet waving in the air like some deranged synchronized swimmer, you, first: wave off all the excited concert goers that have rushed over to help you. Second: you drag your fat ass up off the ground without flashing your huge, flabby stomach and wonderfully unappealing butt crack to every single person within a 100 foot radius. And third: You pack up your now-broken chair, drive to Walmart, buy a new identical chair, then bring in the broken one with the receipt from the new one and return it. Like I said, this only works at Walmart. Those guys are really stupid, and don’t look at anything. Just tell them the chair was broken, and they will nod their head, throw the broken chair in a basket behind them, and hand you a fistful of cash. Don’t believe me? Just look at their “Rollback” prices…I mean, really? And people, heed my warning! DO NOT DO THIS AT TARGET! They are NOT stupid there.

Those Target people are freakin’ return Nazis. If you try to pull this scam at Target, you will be arrested, tried for manslaughter, and sentenced to death. Well, that is pretty much what happens ANY time you try to return something to Target, but I digress.

So anyways, whenever you go to buy new furniture, it’s always important to test it out. Sit on that couch and bounce around on it a bit. If it creaks, or Heaven forbid, breaks under the weight of your mountain of fat, it’s probably a good idea to rule that one out. What I love is when you go look at furniture that is supposedly made for fatasses, and the weight limit is like, 350lbs. I mean, seriously? I’m gonna pay 500 bucks for a desk chair that is supposedly “Big and Tall”, and is catered to fatties, and it only goes to 350? My left leg weighs that much! Not to mention that almost ANY of the other chairs will hold 350lbs, and the will cost me $250 less. I may be a fatass, but Mama didn’t raise no fool. I think I’ll take my chance with a regular chair, thanks.

Another important thing to look at is girth. When choosing a chair, it’s always good to look at chairs with no arms. This includes dining chairs, office chairs, desk chairs, etc. Chairs are generally not made for people with an ass 600 inches across, hence the reason I have nick-named chairs with arms “Fat people torture chairs”. Because that is exactly what they are. I mean, there is nothing like trying to wedge yourself into a chair, then having the arms dig into your thighs or kidneys, leaving you bruised and bloodied after your are cut out of it with a power saw minutes later.

So, with that, I think we will end our little learning session, and put the lid back on our barrel of laughs. What have we learned today? Well, we have learned how to break the law, or at least bend it, how many pieces of furniture Nick’s fat ass has broken, and that any chair with arms is automatically dubbed a “Fat people torture chair”. Also, NEVER RETURN ANYTHING TO TARGET! So now people, go out, buy some fat-friendly furniture, and enjoy! It’s late, so I’m gonna go to bed. Hopefully it won’t break in the process. Good night!

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One thought on “Furniture Follies”

OMG, LOL. I am hysterically laughing. I have been trying to catch up since being on vacation, and have been reading for well over and hour. I have cried until my make-up is all down my face. I have laughed until I was doubled over in pain. You are a nut, and I loved growing up knowing you. I ever dreamed the shy kid on my porch playing with my little sister, would years late, make me laugh until I fell out of the bed.