great rl animal stories

Today’s Moron is a drunken Russian named Alexander Kirilov, who I’m going to call Sasha, because it’s fun to say out loud.

Sasha ended up in a Moscow hospital a while back with bandages replacing his underwear. He’s probably in a lot of pain after surgeons tried, unsuccessfully, to reattach his little Sasha. In normal cases, I would extend my most sincere sympathy; it’s the right thing to do when someone is recovering from penile reattachment surgery.

But not in this case.

Sasha, 44, lost his perogy when a raccoon bit it off. And the raccoon bit it off because Sasha was trying to … get busy with it.

It seems Sasha and his cronies were getting loaded when the raccoon wandered by.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told doctors, as reported in British tabloid called The Sun (so you KNOW it’s true).

I suppose they could have been in a forest or something, but it’s more likely they were in urban Moscow and the raccoon was scrounging for food. I have raccoons here at the Weather Station, but this is kind of rural; when I lived in the downtown area of a large city a few years ago, I had raccoon in my garbage all the time. I just never found them all that attractive.

Sasha did. In classic Today’s Moron fashion, he whipped out his cossack, jumped on the animal and tried to have his way. The raccoon, however, had other ideas, and Sasha ended up in hospital. The raccoon vanished, still chewing.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” a friend allegedly told The Sun. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”

Two 'gay' male penguins have hatched an egg and are rearing the adopted chick.

The birds, at Bremerhaven Zoo in northern Germany, were given an egg rejected by its biological parents.

Named 'Z' and 'Vielpunkt', the penguins became famous when they refused to separate or to mate with females.

Joachim Schoene, a zoo vet, said; 'Another pair abandoned an egg by pushing it out of their nest and so we placed it in the care of the homosexual penguins.

'They accepted the egg immediately and took turns in incubating it with their body heat. They did this for 35 days and the baby was born on April 25.

'It is in a little cave in the enclosure which is fiercely guarded by one or the other at all times so we don't know yet if we have a little boy penguin or a little girl one.' The two daddies feed their offspring with fish mash that they chew up and regurgitate into its ever-open beak. Mr Schoene added: 'In eight weeks the baby will have its downy fur and be able to be removed to move about the colony.'

Bremerhaven Zoo in northern Germany made headlines in 2005 as it investigated homosexual traits in penguins.

Gay rights activists were outraged after the zoo flew in female penguins to try to get them to reproduce with three pairs of male penguins who had been seen trying to mate with one another and hatch chicks from stones.

But now the zoo has relented, leaving the six gay penguins to live happily with their chosen mates - Z and Vielpunkt among them.