Lessons from Paris: Let Him Pay for the Crêpe

I just returned from a week in Paris and WOW, what an incredible time I had. I met up with 24 of my fellow badass female entrepreneurs, had a picture perfect photoshoot with The Eiffel Tower as my backdrop, and explored The City of Love & Light with my fabulous husband. The romance of Paris is a real thing, and my time there was filled with love, laughter, and lots (and lots) of wine and cheese.

After being surrounded with some amazing female powerhouses all week, I had a startling realization. Like most modern day society women, we pride ourselves on being strong, powerful, independent and capable of successfully navigating our way through life. And that’s great!

Except when it comes to romance.

As successful women, not only did we have to work our tails off to get that great job, promotion, or car, we also (still) have to overcome stereotypical notions about what women can really achieve. (I wish it wasn’t true, but sexism still exists.)

Naturally, a lot of strong women develop thicker skin, a masculine attitude, and an independent personality.

While this strong, masculine mentality serves us well in the workplace (and for getting what we want!), it can ruin a potential relationship.

I’ll share a story to illustrate my point:

I was standing in line at a tiny, hole in the wall crêpe cafe on a cobbled Parisian street. The couple in front of me were laughing, nervously touching each other, and clearly newly dating.

After they ordered, this was the dialogue exchanged:

Man: “My treat!” Huge grin on his face, and reaches for wallet.
Woman: “Oh no, I can pay for mine, it’s fine!” Unzips her clutch.
Man: Starting to frown, “Please, let me treat you to this.”
Woman: Still giddy, not noticing his change in demeanor, “Really, I can pay for my own crêpe! It’s no problem!” Hands cashier money. Returns to the same affectionate playfulness they had before ordering, and is completely unaware of his stiff posture and tight lips.

I’m taking a gander, but I’ll guess their evening didn’t end well. I’ll even go as far as to say that the relationship probably won’t work out.

So what happened here? And why is it so important?

The woman (who was nicely dressed, confident, and clearly capable of taking care of herself), wanted to pay her own way to demonstrate her independence, successfulness, and non-gold digger tendencies.

She was proud to show him that she’s doesn’t need a man to take care of her or make her happy, and that she would be an equal contributor to this relationship. (Sounds like a good thing, right?)

The man (who is still in the stage of trying to impress her and determine if he wants to continue to pursue this relationship) offers to pay to demonstrate that he wants to take care of her, and to show her that he would be a capable partner in their relationship.

Maybe you can start to see the problem here, but if not, let me spell it out.

Men want to feel like they're needed and wanted in a relationship. They want to take care of a woman, they want to protect her; they want to be her knight in shining armor! (Well, most men anyways.)

Why? Because it makes him feel like a MAN.

And why is that important do you ask? Men want to feel like they can be who they are (manly, strong protectors), they want to take care of you, and to feel like you need them. They want to be the masculine one in your relationship. (They don’t want you to be.)

When he offers to kill a spider, pump your gas, or pay for your bill, he’s doing tasks that make him feel manly and masculine (even though that may seem silly), but in turn, it makes him feel more connected to you.

No woman should try to prove to a man that she’s capable of paying for her own meal, opening her own doors or pumping her own gas. Trust me, he knows. When a man wants to do something nice for you, let him! The worst thing you can do is prevent a man from doing the aforementioned, or act offended if he does.

Of course he knows you can do for yourself (how else would you have survived on earth or at least gotten to the date?), but that’s not the point. A man already knows that you don’t rely on him to open doors and pay for meals…he just wants to be the man in the relationship, and doing ‘manly’ things for you makes him feel that way. By denying him the opportunity to pay for your crêpe or put on your jacket, you’re denying him the simple actions that, in his mind, represent manliness.

If you think you’re saving him the trouble or displaying your independence - what you’re really doing is advertising, “I don’t need you.”

Of course you don’t need him, that’s what he’s afraid of! And, not being needed is his biggest fear!

When a woman communicates to a man that he’s not needed by her (even if it’s unintentionally), his ego inevitably becomes bruised and his interest will start to wane.

Strong women are amazing (I am one!), and we deserve every happiness in the world, but what strong women don’t realize is that sometimes we totally kill a man’s ego. Strong women should take heed to remember that when a man wants to be a man and take care of a woman, LET HIM.

There’s a time a place to show your strong side, and of course you don’t want to expect him to pay for everything or walk all over him, but it’s so important to let a man feel manly, and like he’s “won” something.

*Hint - Letting him buy you a dessert is him “winning something” – he’s winning by you allowing him to take care of you! And therefore feeling like a man, feeling like a winner, on top of the world…and what does that mean for you? He’s ready to be affectionate, ready to be open, and hopefully ready to start taking your relationship to an even better place.

Who knew buying a crêpe could be so detrimental?!

So to all my fellow strong women: Go be independent. Pay for your own meals. Pump your gas and kill those spiders (or just cover them up with bowls until someone else takes care of it). Do all of those awesome, empowering things ON YOUR OWN.

When you’re with him, still be your confident, amazing, feminine self; just let him do the “manly” things he wants to do. Your relationship will thank me for it.

Lots of love,
Jamie

P.S. If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one to get the life and love story of your dreams, check out my signature packages HERE.

P.P.S. - I only have one spot left in my signature Irresistible in 90 days program before the price increases.