Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Monkey dreams and Dorito nights.

I realized today that 99% of the time I am able to naturally wake up without having to use the dreaded alarm clock. I work later in the day, so getting less than 9 hours of sleep just seems like I'd be passing up on the Universe's bounty, and we all know that makes baby Jeebus cry. I want to laze around in bed until 9-10 or so, and I'm sure that you only want what's best for me too. You're givers like that, and I thank you.

Unfortunately for me, however, the mornings are about the only time I can get anything productive done like waxing the cats or flossing my toes. I've reached a point in my housekeeping, personal hygiene, and overall productivity (or lack thereof) where some big decisions need to be made: Continue enjoying the happy sleep time that the Gods of Awesome have seen fit to bestow upon me, or (shudder) start employing the annoying "EEEE-EEEE-EEEE" of modern technology and drag my groggy ass out of bed and actually accomplish something more than my daily tofu/chickpea scramble and a cup of tea before noon? Against my better (yet still marginally poor) judgment and love of pillows, I think I know the answer to this one.

I'll give the alarm a shot- but if I haven't conquered the world/won a Nobel Prize/made it to the finals on American Idol after a week or two of that crap, I'm back on the sleep express. Anything less than "Queen of the world and the Mole-people too" seems hardly enough motivation to interrupt my bizarre dreams and cozy, coocoon-like slumber, don't you think?

Too much? Reaching too high?

Fine- if I can manage to both shower AND swab my uvula on the same day I'll consider the experiment a success.I already hate that alarm clock- I think I'll name him Trevor after that guy that spit on me when I was in 7th grade on the Saturday-afternoon bus to go roller skating. Trevor was a real douche.

You could reward yourself each morning that you get up earlier by downing a few shots of whiskey ... (for the proper cleaning of your heart ya know) but I would hate being the one responsible should you become addicted to that little morning ritual.

If I may play Trevor's Advocate:There are many proven scientific benefits to getting a good night's sleep. I don't think there are many for getting all your chores done. I'm just saying. That alarm sound makes me simultaneously stop breathing/have heart palps/get immediately pissed off every day and I don't think that's a great way to start off the day. There has to be a happy medium; I just haven't found one yet.

First of all, I love the new layout. Aren't you special? Second, screw getting up early. There's nothing that you can't put off until you die is my motto. Third, well there is no third. Do you have any cookies?

Alarm clocks are tools of the devil...each time I hit snooze on mine when it goes off at o'dark thirty (aka 5:45 a.m.) my hand burns a little.They are evil , evil things. Please for all that is good and right don't get one if you don't have to.

Might I suggest a wind-up clock? That is, if you think you can be sure to wind it up every night. Hub-E decided that he wanted to get rid of plugged in electronics in our bedroom (except for the TV. Oh, and our bedside lamps) and decided that a wind up alarm would be the thing for us so we didn't have electric waves passing through our head all night long. I've gotten used to the tick-tock noise, and I've even managed to be able to set the lever so the ringer is a nice thumpity-thump noise instead of a shock you out of your system ring at 20 decibels. At least, most of the time I get it right.

If they ever invent whiskey-flavored Doritos, we would have to fight to the death over the last bag. So, since I don't want you to kill me (since there is no other possible outcome), I shall continue to hope this brilliant invention never occurs.

my alarm clock is set for 11am and i STILL usually turn it off and go back to sleep most days. i'm a firm believer that modern conveniences are the wave of the future, not present reality. someday a sure-fire wake up device will be created, and i'll be there for its inaugural ball.