You said that it would [product claims] {turn me into a Glorious Pegasus … and that I would fly around the sun to speak to the wizard who lives there}. But instead [I’ve been quite disappointed] {you’ve sprayed your belligerent STUPID all over my face and I’ve been left partially blinded and smelling like a zoo animal with an alcoholic caretaker}.

[You are aware that] {Listen up Fuck-Chop} a refund was guaranteed if I wasn’t completely satisfied. Unfortunately, I must inform you that [I am not at all satisfied] {I’d have got more satisfaction from a Tijuana Donkey Show}.

I [request] {sure as fucking shit better have} a full refund no later than two weeks from today.

If the refund has not been fully processed within the two week period, I will be forced to begin the collection process by [filing the proper claims with the BBB and local government agencies] {blasting J-Pop outside of your windows day and night until you must add ANDROGYNY to your list of unattractive characteristics}.

Thank you for [your attention to this matter] {getting up off your lard ass and getting this shit DONE … like nowish!}. I know that you are [very busy] {fucking allergic to doing anything other than stroking your own super short wank}.