6 Secrets Of A Happy Relationship

Try these small moves to get a big boost in intimacy

Sure, Valentine's Day is great and all, but wouldn’t it be nice to keep the romantic vibe going the other 364 days of the year?

You absolutely can, says Lois Barth, a motivational speaker and life coach in New York City. Whether you’re married, cohabitating, or dating, check out these six tips to keep the Valentine’s mentality going:

1. Make it all about you—some of the time. Add in a few moments of pleasure to your daily routine. “Maybe it’s taking 15 minutes to walk by the water on your lunch hour, or allowing yourself a cat nap,” says Barth. “When you feel less stressed and more vitalized, you’ll have more energy and patience for your relationship.”

2. Ditch energy vampires. Whether it’s a toxic friend or a cluttered kitchen, make one small move to tackle an energy sucker and instantly feel better. “One of my clients opted never to ask her Negative Nellie relative the three ominous words, 'How are you?,' " says Barth. Instead, she set a boundary on calls by saying, 'Hi, I only have five minutes and needed to know the time of the party.' " The more you can deal with the stressors outside your relationship—and bypass complain-o-logues—the more mental bandwidth you’ll have to deal with any problems within your relationship.

3. Giggle about your gripes. “It's so easy to get into the ‘terminal roommate syndrome’ where all of your time is spent on logistics, like bills and household chores, versus reaping the benefits of being in love,” says Barth. Find ways to be playful, even in your challenges. For example, one of Barth’s clients decided that instead of complaining when his wife would continually leave the sponge in the sink, he’d make a ridiculous siren sound and shriek "Sponge alert! Sponge alert!" which would inevitably make his wife laugh—and still get his point across. “Humor allows us to move from criticism to creativity, a much needed ingredient in relationships,” says Barth.

4. Make a date night. There’s a reason why you’ve heard this advice before: It works. Married or cohabitating couples who go on regular dates come back to their lives and their relationships with fresh eyes, says Barth.

5. Learn your partner's language. Most marriages don’t end because people fall out of love, says Barth. It’s because people lose the ability to speak their partner's love language, leaving the other person feeling unloved. So what is the language of love? Things like spending quality time together, speaking words of affirmation, making thoughtful gestures, and touching. “Clue in to what love language is most important to your partner by asking him to share a few stories of when he felt most appreciated and loved—and make sure to recount your own,” says Barth.

6. Show some appreciation. It sounds so simple, but most of us don’t actually verbalize appreciation for our partners. Try taking a few minutes once a day—every day—to look your partner in the eye and tell him something specific that you appreciate (whether it’s fixing the drain or the fact that he always kisses you good night). “It’s far more effective than any slinky lingerie,” says Barth. Though it never hurts to try both!