Recovering From A Breakup

Breakups Suck - This Is How You're Going To Get Over Yours

Breaking up is a tough proposition for guys. We’re supposed to have this alpha male status where we are resilient to emotions, loss, and change. But that’s completely erroneous. Erroneous on all accounts.

Guys are vulnerable creatures. We often have a harder time with breakups because there’s nowhere for us to turn to help process it properly and move on. Women have established more networks of emotional venting with their friends and family. Guys don’t typically talk about that stuff with their friends. So, we don’t have a release valve to talk through our breakups.

Suffice to say, it’s a tough process for a dude to go through. What follows is the ultimate playbook to properly get over your ex and use the opportunity to evolve into the best possible version of yourself.

It all starts with a basic but very difficult principle: you simply have to let it happen. The emotions you feel will rock your world. You have become emotionally and chemically dependent on your ex, so it’s almost like withdrawal from a drug.

Bottling these feelings and emotions up, or trying to hide from them, will only delay the healing. Breaking up with a significant other is exactly the same process as mourning the death of a loved one. This was a study that psychologist Dr. Kübler-Ross embarked on decades ago. Her research revealed that you have to go through five phases to properly grieve your relationship. A bit morbid, right? But important.

Denial — First up, you’re going to be in a state of denial. You ponder “how could this happen to me?” Even though rationally, you realize that the relationship is over, your heart isn’t ready to let it go and holds onto the sliver of hope that it’s not actually gone.

During this phase, it’s critical to cut off all communication with your ex. Do a digital detox blocking her on social channels and get her out of sight and mind. Otherwise, you’ll be tempted to convince yourself that you can still be together.

Anger — Then comes a wave of anger. You’re angry with her, yourself, her friends, your friends. It’s not for rational reasons necessarily. It’s okay to go through the anger, just be aware of how it’s being channeled. You don’t want to bottle it up, so you have to find healthy ways to get it out. For me, it’s the gym. Take it out on the bench press rather than wait for the rage to erupt at the wrong time.

Bargaining — As the anger fades away, your mind starts bargaining with the past and trying to justify a reason to reconnect. You start thinking “maybe there’s a way we can work this out” or “if we’d just gone to couples therapy, we could have solved these issues.” You’re clinging onto the notion that there’s still a possibility you can make things right. At this point it is absolutely critical to hold strong on limiting communication. You can easily come off as desperate and even crazy in this stage. It’s not time to enter the friend zone with her either. Keep your space and know that this too will pass

Depression — This is where it gets dark. You’ve been in shock, and you’re angry, confused and irrationally optimistic. Now the sadness sets in. You feel sorry for yourself. Little tasks like getting out of bed or going to the mall seem like an arduous action that should be avoided at all costs. The main takeaway here is that you need to go through it. Sadness will come and you have to feel it.

Acknowledge your feelings. Imagine your mind floating out of your body and observing yourself. Acknowledge the feelings you are going through in a rational way. “Sadness, I see you. I respect you. But you are not going to be around forever and certainly are not what defines me.” That simple trick to gain awareness helps put it in perspective that these feelings are temporary.

Surround yourself with the right people: friends and family that love you. Maybe some you haven’t seen in a while. Go for a visit. It’s equally important to stay away from toxic friends. Ones that will encourage you to do drugs and drink a ton. Stay clear-minded during this phase. Keep it natural.