One One One

I don’t check my clean time counter app often (ever) and haven’t paid attention to my day count since I celebrated one year in January, but today I spontaneously checked the app and lo and behold: I am one year one month and one week sober. I guess it would be even cooler if I checked tomorrow, at one year one month one week and one day, but we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. It’s only been a few 24 hours.

I don’t put much (any) stock in so-called angel numbers, but the internet tells me 111 is a number of manifesting. The angels are telling me to watch my persistent thoughts as they will become my reality.

As an alcoholic with maybe a touch of self-diagnosed OCD all my thoughts are persistent thoughts. Lately, I’ve been oscillating between obsessive focus on what I want but can’t imagine having–publishing a book–and the consolation prize–relapse.

I’ll take the out of the blue thought to check the clean time counter and the fact that I noticed the one one one at all as a sign to tilt my thoughts toward the former.

I gave up Facebook for Lent and in the extra time I had in only six days I wrote the story that’s been simmering inside me for over a year: the story of leaving the Mormon church. Where will it go? Here? On another website as a standalone essay? In a book? A compilation or a memoir?

Relapse is not a consulation prize for writing a book. If that was so, I’d be dead 4 times over. That is how many books I’ve written since about 23 years clean. In a couple weeks I will have 30 years and I am on my 5th book. God willing I will finish it soon. Do what your heart tells you and enjoy writing if that is what you want to do.

Congratulations on 29 years! That is so inspiring. And on the books too! What do you write about?

I was being flippant about relapse. I’m sorry I was insensitive. I forget how my words impact other sufferers. Relapse is where my mind goes when I don’t have something positive to put my energy into and it’s where my mind goes when I am depressed (and I get depressed when I turn away from the good things calling me, like writing). Also, in all honesty, I am in a place where I sometimes romanticize my addiction. Not great, but it’s where I’m at. I will follow your advice and do what my heart is telling me, which is, right now, to write.