You know how they say whatever you give to the universe, it will come back to you double? I shoulda been more careful….

This all started about a month ago, and it wasn’t even supposed to be a poem; more like silly prose set to music, but one thing led to another and the darn thing practically wrote itself. Not that it’s art in the sense of revealing the true nature of the human condition, but I thought it was pretty funny and so I shared my little ditty, “The Ballet of the Stray Hair” with a friend, who posted it over here at DentalEggs. You should go there, read it, and then continue on with this story.

Back already? Well, then.

A few weeks later, unsolicited, a little limerick popped up in my inbox from a professor at the college where I took my STATE BOARD EXAM! What do I do? I HAVE to publish it, right? Because if I don’t I’ll keep having those nightmares where my instructors find about a bajillion clicks of subgingival calculus and make me repeat my senior year over and over until finally I get to take my board exam and lo and behold the patient’s teeth are caked with green marijuana stain…. Wait, no, actually, that last part really did happen.

In the middle of all this, I was invited to the Townie Meeting, and something that didn’t happen in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It came home as a bug in the back of my brain (it could have been in a worse place, admit it, you thought it!). One of DentalTown’s original masters of meter told me that there were thousands! yes thousands of dental haiku written years ago, almost forgotten behind the cobwebbed threads of the message boards. And I received permission to repost a few of them here.

Hey Universe… thank you?

On to the poetry now.

(be sure to click the link to see why this limerick’s subject is appropriate)

There practiced a dentist in Maine,
Who worked hard, hard as a train,
Esthetics was his love,
But he forgot to glove,
The Boards took his license again.

By no means is this collection complete! These were my favorite dental-themed haiku, and even though I didn’t check them carefully they all seem to follow the traditional 5-7-5 syllable rule. If you adored these like I do and want more from those who haven’t given me permission to share, go on over to this DentalTown thread, become a member if you haven’t already, enjoy the sometimes poignant ramblings of a bygone time, maybe even hold a revival and start a new poetry post if you’re inspired thusly.

And I promise, no more poems about hair from me!

UPDATE:

Darn! She made it private! what? The poem that I wrote. So I guess that means I’ll have to host it my own dang self here.

The ballet of the stray hair.

Watch my fingertips: nimbly they fly
along the lip line, touching on cusps
to steady their course
while their grasp guides a mirror and a probe.

Their orchestration is captured in full spectrum detail
Thanks to a pair of magnification loupes
And a headlight emanating from my third eye area.

Previously unnoticed, a black line of evil
begins to uncoil away from the mirror handle
and adheres itself to the tacky vermillion border.
The spectre of horror becomes threefold alarming
When I realize that the patient is a blonde.

At this point I’m not wondering of its origins
as much as trying to get rid of the hair
before the patient becomes aware.

My ring finger attacks
in its pale latex slicker.
Success! I have liftoff
And a wipe to the napkin
Surely means that the hair is gone.

Worky-work, cleanie-clean.
WTF? It’s back! This time on the tongue!
Damn that static cling.
The hair is mocking me.

Time to go all Wile E. Coyote on its ass.
Quick glance to the patient’s eyes.
Total obliviousness. Good.
The snare is laid
between my suction tip and modified pen grasp.

Crap. The hair went halfway IN the saliva ejector
and now it’s acting like a telephone cord
that doesn’t want to wind straight.
OMG. Hair s t r e t c h e s before it breaks.

Two big black hairs in my patient’s mouth.
Two big. Black. Alien hairs.
It’s time for a gauzy intervention.
“I got a little messy, here, let me clean you up!”
With the force of a primary tooth extraction
times two
the hairs are gone.
They are gone for sure
because I took the two pieces of gauze
over to the wastebasket
and personally dumped them
and checked my static latex fingers afterwards.

We both sigh.
Worky-work, cleanie-clean.
Really? A booger?
Hanging halfway out of the patient’s nose?

Feel like that new crown isn’t fitting right? Do you feel it may cause discomfort? Brain hemorrhaging? Death? Well, put that phone down, you silly thing. Your lawyer can wait because June is ‘Don’t Sue Your Dentist’ Awareness Month.

As an act of marginal sympathy, I ask those patients who plan on crushing the livelihoods of their dentists to refrain, for a moment, and search your heart for a modicum of compassion. In the spirit of ‘Don’t Sue Your Dentist’ Awareness Month, I offer latent plaintiffs a poetic gesture of retort on behalf of your dentists. I call this poem, “Oh, Come ON! You Gotta Be F%[email protected]! Kidding Me?!”

Beyond the reaches of simple men
You further the legions
Of those who wish to harm us
Into the shadows of the Beast
(The Man with the Briefcase)
We shall overturn your
Tortuous hands in our pockets
And fight… fight!
For the putrid, rotting silver in
The mouths of those who wish to
Destroy us was but a step away from
Excavation into Happiness
A porcelain utopia
Awaited those who turned on our Good selves
BEHOLD!
The wrath that disguises itself as
Innocent sufferer is the Devil
In Disguise and I’m bringing you down along with your pandering attorney!
Yeah! Booyah! How do ya like me now? Can’t hear that, you say? I said
I’m gonna countersue you!
I’m gonna Smear your name like a laboratory sample
On a glass slide!
And I’m gonna get your little dog, too!

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DentalBuzz explores rising trends in dentistry with its own slant. The speed at which new products and ideas enter the dental field can often outpace our ability to understand just exactly the direction in which we are heading. But somehow, by being a little less serious about dentistry and dental care, we might get closer to making sense of it all.

So yeah, a tongue-in-cheek pun would fit really nicely here, but that would be in bad taste. Never mind, it just happened anyways. Stop reading sidebars already and click on some content instead.

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