Monday, November 22, 2010

Hi, my name is gary, I live in Boston, and like everyone else who’s already posted one of these videos, I’m upset about all the recent teen suicides. But there’s something that upsets me even more.

I’m talking about Kesha. She has a new album out and she says that she wrote her song “We R Who We R” as a gay anthem, in response to the suicides. And just like the rest of her songs, it’s atrocious. It’s not just bad, it’s…AGGRAVATING.

Now, staying silent while kids are being bullied is horrible. But not saying anything while Kesha decides to appoint herself the spokesperson for gays is far, far worse. So I decided to make this video to let you kids know…MUSIC GETS BETTER.

It really does. Trust me. I know it looks bleak right now, because you’re exposed to so much bad music on a daily basis, but once you start looking for it, you’ll see that music does get better.

Now, I know I look young–thank you–but I’m actually 40, which, in gay time is like…170. I’m ancient. And as your elder, I really think you should listen to me.

I think it’s important to remember that while you didn’t choose to be gay, you CAN choose what kind of music you listen to. You don’t HAVE to listen to crappy music like Kesha or Katy Perry or Britney Spears….these are not artists. There’s a whole world of great music out there for you to discover…and unlike being bullied, this is one thing you can actually control. You have the Internet. I didn’t have the Internet when I was your age. I had to discover good music by listening to a staticky college radio station from 2 to 3 AM on Friday night. That’s all we had access to.

When I was your age, back in the 80’s, we didn’t have any gay singers to look up to. George Michael was in the closet, Boy George was basically a drag queen but would never admit to being gay…and did you know that Elton John was once married to a woman? I know, it’s ridiculous, right?

(Oh, and we also had Morrissey, but let’s be honest, he probably caused a few suicides.)

Ya know, I get it…you’re in school all day, studying and learning stuff, and then at the end of the day your brain hurts and you just want to listen to some cheesy poppy dance music. And, I’ll admit, when I was a teenager, I listened to my share of cheesy music. I grew up during the time of Debbie Gibson and Rick Astley and Paula Abdul. But at least these people had some integrity…and they sang about being lost in your eyes and being together forever and being forever your girl. Kesha sings about brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels and selling your clothes and sleeping in cars. Those are things a homeless person does.

I believe that first impressions are very important, and don’t forget that when we first met Kesha she was singing about giving Flo Rida a blowjob. Even Tiffany never sang about giving someone a blowjob!

And if you want stupid lyrics, I have a recommendation for you. There’s a gay hip hop artist named Cazwell. His lyrics are dopey but smart at the same time…kinda like how Cazwell himself is sexy and ugly at the same time.

Look, I don’t mean to belittle this “It Gets Better” movement (although let’s be honest, it’s just a fad, isn’t it?) but I’m bracing myself for next year’s Gay Pride parade and I’m envisioning a float with 13 drag queens lip synching that awful Kesha song. And after all I’VE been through in MY life…I really don’t think I can take that. I don’t want that awful no-talent bimbo to be the voice for the gay community. We can do better, can’t we? And let me be clear: I DON’T MEAN ADAM LAMBERT.

Now, hopefully, some day in the future you yourself will be at a Gay Pride celebration in one of our country’s big cities, and you’ll see a poster outside a bar that says “Tonight! Gay Icon and Singing Sensation Pat Hodges!” and you’ll turn to your friend and say “Who the hell is Pat Hodges?!?” But you’ll go in. You know why? Because it’s Pride! And you’ll be drunk. And you won’t care.

My point is: There are so many singers out there who say how much they love their gay fans. Everyone wants to have a gay following nowadays. That’s where the easy money is. Do you know why Kristine W plays so many gay pride festivals? Because the straight people don’t want her.

I don’t know Kesha....maybe she’s a nice person. I doubt it. I figure, if it looks like a skank and quacks like a skank, it must be a skank. And MAYBE Kesha had good intentions with this song…but I doubt that too. Music is a business, and Kesha is going after you young gays the same way that RJ Reynolds went after the kiddies with Joe Camel.

So, to wrap this up…thank you for listening…Remember, don’t despair. Music will get better.

Oh, and in case you think this was mean or harsh, you should know that being catty and jaded is a BIG part of gay life, so you may as well get used to it.