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Heal all the things

I burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza that was way too hot
last night. It hurts like a motherf***er.

It’s all raw and tender, some of the skin peeled off… real
smart, Autumn.

I was way too eager to eat. I was hungry, it was late, I worked out right beforehand… Terrible decisions are made when we rush things. (And yes, I exercised and then ate pizza. It was thin crust. Let me live.)

So now I’m babying my mouth; chewing certain ways to avoid
irritating it, drinking cold things, brushing my teeth all awkward so as not to
disturb my delicate gums… What a pain. (Literally)

I’m being gentle because it hurts. It needs to have time to
heal, and while it’s healing, it needs some extra TLC. If I treat it like
normal (or be a dumbass and injure it again) then it’s just going to take
LONGER to heal. My mouth is traumatized.

***

I talk about healing a lot, and for good reason. It really
IS my life right now and will no doubt continue to be since I am so passionate
about it all. We ALL have wounds we need to heal, and I truly believe that the
world would be a better place if we all got real and vulnerable and did our
inner work. Transforming your view of yourself also drastically transforms your
view of others.

Needless to say, I am all in with healing. I’ve fallen down
the trauma recovery rabbit hole and there’s no coming back for me.

Words like boundaries, empowerment, self-care, mindfulness,
holding space, and neuroplasticity are now part of my normal vernacular. I have
assimilated into the world of healing and it’s a whole thing. I have no doubt
that I sound bonkers to some people.

The great thing is, I no longer care!!! Love and light to
you, my haters.

***

Being “all in” with healing has taken me places I wasn’t
expecting to go. Imagine hitting a giant RESET button on your life and building
everything all over again from the foundation up… WITH the awareness of all the
things that are bad for you. It’s some crazy shit.

EVERY relationship is vetted. Toxic people need not apply.
My entire belief system was shattered so what do I even believe? I’m still
working on that one and it’s way too much to get into right now, but I’ll just
say that the American Conservative Christianity Corporation is down by one.

My only real goals are truth and health. And I am exploring
all avenues to find them.

***

One thing you should know about me is that when I decide to
do something, or learn something, I don’t mess around. I like to think that my
curiosity and thirst for knowledge is one of my best assets (which means it’s
also a flaw at times. Oh hello, miss know-it-all…).

BUT… If I want to figure something out, you better believe I
am going to do it. This has served me well throughout life; from teaching
myself (and a group of friends) high school chemistry because our teacher SUCKED,
to baking the perfect chocolate chip cookies, if I want to learn something, I
will.

And right now, I’m focused on learning all about me. I want
to be whole and healthy. I want it REAL BAD.

***

My most recent foray into the unknown is researching
Ayurveda. I had never even heard of it (so don’t feel bad if you haven’t,
either). It means “The Science of Life” in Sanskrit and is one of the oldest
known healing sciences; many of its principles have influenced what we call
homeopathy in the West.

It’s SUPER interesting to me. I am all about the whole these
days; mind, body, soul… They are all intricately connected. Our psychological
trauma affects our bodies, our diet affects our emotions; you cannot heal only
one part, you have to heal it all.

So, with Ayurveda, I have determined that my primary dosha
is pitta and it is NOT in balance, let me tell you…

WHO EVEN AM I???

***

I’m making it a priority to work on my meditation practice, eat the foods that are good for my body, and I’m adding yoga into my exercise. In the past, I didn’t have the patience for yoga. It felt like a waste of time… If I was going to spend time working out, I needed to be out of breath and sweating. I’ve always preferred the more active pilates for that reason.

I’m a high intensity person. I like sprinting over long
distance running. I love playing tennis and hate playing soccer. I tend towards
short, intense bursts of energy.

Now, I’m starting to understand why… I didn’t like all that
time being in my own head. My life revolved around distraction from my
thoughts. I needed something to FOCUS on, to keep my mind from wandering and
from spending time with myself.

And exercise? Well that was just a means to an end. I hated
my body and exercise was the punishment. Eating healthy was a punishment. If I
wanted to be skinny and look good, then I had to do these things that I hated
in hopes that someday I wouldn’t hate what I saw anymore.

Most of the time, however, I didn’t feel worthy of love or happiness, which leads to self-sabotage. Emotional eating. Or drinking, at certain times in my life. Giving up on being “in shape” because what did it even matter? I had no one to impress.

***

I have a lot more to say about all these things, but for
now, I’m just glad to no longer be in that place. I am deeply grateful for my
body and my health, and the ability to make the changes necessary to continue
to grow into my highest self.

Now, I make these changes for me. It isn’t about what I look
like, it isn’t about being attractive for other people. It’s about knowing WHO
I AM and living that out.

So now I am slowing down to leave more room for listening to
myself. Learning to honor my body and its needs, rather than abusing it.
Learning to sit with my thoughts and emotions and seeking to understand rather
than judge or feel shame. Being gentle and kind to myself.

Just like my burnt mouth, I am in a period of healing… and I
need extra TLC. All of me… my mind, body, and soul.