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Thursday, April 19, 2012

I ate sooooooo much yesterday. HOWEVER, the extra eating I did was Atkins approved. I ate a lot of meat whenever I felt like munching. I had 5 eggs a la deviled and 3 hamburger patties at dinner...around dinner really. I had a few spoonfuls of baked beans because originally I had to make sure they were flavorfully seasoned for my boys. I can't have them thinking that I can't cook. They already say my mom's food is waaay better than mine...although I do agree, nothing is better than grandma's food.

Today I don't feel as tapewormish as I did yesterday, so whooo hooo for that. My husband may be FINALLY getting a full time job after 5 years. I'm super excited for him because he will be able to support himself when we finally actually split up. (No sorrys needed. It's for the best, I've done everything I could and we still love each other uber lots. We just have a crumbly cookie.)

I may do Kinect Zumba today or I might just be lazy on my sorta day off. I'm attempting to organize and write the majority of this writing book before classes start on April 30th but we'll see how that goes!

I'm off to watch one of my many Hollywood husbands, Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill and possibly take a nap. Ta-ta til later!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It's getting a little easier. Although it's been only 3 days, the cravings have decreased and I feel more focused and determined. Last night I envisioned struggling to walk down a railroad track, mainly because I was pulling a train down the tracks. Unlike the wussy man in this picture, I slung the ropes over my shoulders and was holding them in my hand risking rope burn. Now, to that add that I was also breaking through brick walls. I am totally Wonder Woman in my visions!

I'll be channeling my inner Wonder Woman for these next few weeks to get through the toughest part which is really the first 2-3weeks for me. Once I get past that point, it becomes a habit for me to get out of my bed and make it to the gym every morning by 5:15.

Yesterday was a success as far as getting out of the house. I rode my bicycle to the park while my two youngest rode their bikes. It's about .5 mile from our house. Then we played tennis for a while before we returned home. So I'm trying to decide what we'll do today. Maybe we'll play dance central because they love that game. I like it a lot too actually. It's nice fun competition!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Yesterday was a fight to the death. I didn't think I would make it out alive. I wanted so bad to eat those stupid pita chips sitting on the counter in our office. I know the cravings to eat crap will soon pass but I'd prefer that to happen sooner rather than later. I ate wonderfully yesterday. I'm quite proud of myself. I did total body strength training and then walked a mile and change to my office. I parked as far away as I could but I didn't walk back to the car in the afternoon. When I leave work, I'm ready to leave work!

I toyed with the idea of going for a bike ride, but I cooked dinner, watched a TV show and cleaned my room (which was in TERRIBLE need of a cleaning). So today since leftovers is on the menu, I plan on taking the boys to the park, they can ride their scooters, my oldest can ride "my/his" bike and I'll FINALLY ride mine again. It's been in the shop wayyyy too long. We can "play" tennis while we're there and maybe some other stuff. Last time I was in the mood to go to the park and get some exercise, we played tag. That was a good bit of fun. Maybe we'll try that again. We could even ride to the beach and just enjoy the sunset...well partial sunset. It sets too late to watch it completely set.

I forgot to mention which plan I am following. I'm back to Atkins, I had great success with it years ago and kept off the weight for about 5 years before falling back into my old eating habits and not experimenting enough. I can't wait until I can eat the healthy foods like couscous and quinoa that I discovered while dabbling in Body-4-Life. The two plans have taught me so much and I can't wait until I can eat the kinds of salads that go great with the lifestyle. Right now I am detoxing my body of the cravings that I have been having for carbs and I'm going to fight through it!

Monday, April 16, 2012

This has got to be the longest journey to 6 in the entire record of recorded time history. I would just like to be able to stampede through life and not let it tear my eyes away from the prize! Again, I have to re-lose these 25 pounds I lost the year before!! I had such good focus for such a looooooooong time and then BOOM derailment.

SO where do I go from here? How do I get back on track?
Digital cameras are both a godsend and a devilish invention. I went to a wedding this weekend where I was suprised that a dress I bought a few weeks ago was fitting quite snugly. I took a group photo with some co-workers, as you do at weddings, and when we looked at the picture to make sure that it was acceptable all I could think was "Is that really MY ARM?!?!?!!??!?!?"

So here I am again on a Monday morning, vowing to get it back right. This blog is the first step. The last time I was successful, I consistently blogged. Apparently, blogging and exercising is the key for me. Dieting alone does nothing. If I wake up early, haul it to the gym, then I can eat right all day. I can stay on task. But if I just try to eat right....disaster apparently.

Yesterday, I made food for this week so that there will be no reason to grab whatever is available. I'm swearing off wine and alcohol which is partly the reason that I have relapsed so bad. *sigh* Here we go!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I rocked it. I kicked my workouts up a notch. I made sure that I hit my 10's and really pushed myself. I have to if I want to see results. I realized today that there's no point in going to the gym 6 days a week if I'm not pushing myself while I'm there.

I weighed myself this morning after my night out. I was good with the drinking. I just had a long island to maximize my alcohol potential in one glass! I was worried that I had taken a chance and may have gained or stayed the same. Oh no no no, I was down to 195.2! Wha??!? That was an awesome surprise. I'll consider that my freebie for the week.

I'm so glad that I'm getting back to what I was when I unraveled for a couple of months. Hopefully by the end of this month I'll at least be back to my 187. I'm more prepared this time that I was last time also. I'm making sure that my meals for the week are planned, just like you need to if you're going to succeed. One thing I am doing differently this time is that I'm drinking 2-3 protein shakes a day instead of 1-2. On weight training days I drink 3 on cardio days I drink 2. I used to have a yogurt every morning but I switched to having yogurt at night and no more cottage cheese. That definitely cuts down on my desire to have peanut butter in my cottage cheese with strawberries.

I also am focusing on having more green veggies like Kale, cabbage, spinach, and broccoli to my meals as the veggie instead of beans. I decided that I'll have beans only a couple of times a week. I'm ready to get into tiptop shape and start shopping. I'm tried of this back and forth stuff! *sigh*

Friday, October 14, 2011

Although I'm going crazy with my husband, I'm sticking strong to my goals. I've been ubergood this week had a Reese's Peanut Butter cupcake because it was FREE! But I only had one and it was a small cupcake that apparently normally costs $2.50!!! For a fudgin' cupcake. No worries about craving those things! It was good but nnot $2.50 good!

I've come to the realization that it's time for me to give up with my husband. I can't compete with the alcohol. Fortunately he's not abusive. He's uber sweet and uber scarred. I hate what his mom and stepfather did to him and they don't even have the decency to validate his feelings. His mother is in denial that anything ever happened. He's a sad little boy that can't enjoy his life the way he should. At this point though, it's up to him to get the treatment and help that he needs but he's not. He doesn't want to have to face those things. He went to counseling before but going through the process of EMDR was so painful (although it helped tremendously) that he just can't get the "Ooomph" to do it again :( We talked about it and he totally understands that I didn't marry the person that he has become. I married a person that I thought he was going to become. I said "Yes" under the shared understanding that he would go to counseling and he did. Until our counselor died. We never really found the right one after that.

He found another and went but when it got to deep he stopped. I've given him soooo many chances that it's my turn to give myself a chance. To live a life that doesn't feel weighed down. I have goals and dreams that keep getting farther and farther away because of the dumb stuff he does. He got a DUI and is NOT supposed to be driving. He did well for the first 6 months (probation is ALMOST over). Drove drunk last weekend! Seriously dude??? *sigh* I almost left him with this first DUI damned if I'll be there for another.

I feel more like this marriage is a mothering instead. I'm constantly telling him what he should and shouldn't do and he should already these things because he tells our kids too. I love him soooooo much. But I love myself and my boys more.

I do feel fortunate that I will always have him as a friend no matter what. When we broke up before we got married, we got along like we always had and we always will. I definitely married my best friend. I just can't stay married to my best friend.

I didn't expect that tangent! On the weight side, I'm going to be strong tonight when I go out with my friends. I don't want to drink...well I do, BUT it's only going to stay longer than I would like it to. So I'm just going to skip that!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

If I go back to the beginning and I look at when I started blogging. I realize how much it kept me on track. I realized that even when I was off track but I couldn't get myself back where I was before. I think stalling for so many weeks really got in there somehow along with self doubt and stress. I can't believe that I'm back where I started at the beginning of the year! I'm really disappointed in myself and I can't believe that I lost sight of my goal.