Thursday, July 25, 2013

The {other} great baby wait

I started my period the day the Duchess gave birth.

Hello, overshare.

If the previous sentence freaked you out I seriously suggest you stop reading.

Why am I sharing this personal of information with you? Well, I feel like there is something I haven't been completely honest about and it is impeding my ability to share openly with you in general. I am about to utter the most dreaded phrase in the English language: we need to talk.

Let's start at the beginning. When Jeff and I first got married we figured we might as well not prevent another baby from joining our brood. We already had one little running about, why stop there? I was super excited to give Violet a sibling who would be close to her age, something I never thought I would be able to do. Sure neither Jeff or I had permanent jobs, but we figured that would work itself out. We both had graduate degrees. How long could it take to land great jobs...

Given the fact I got pregnant with Violet without trying I thought it would happen just as easily the second time around. In fact, I remember thinking that it would be slightly embarrassing to get pregnant right after Jeff and I got married. People will think I got married with the sole goal of reproducing, I thought to myself. Well, that didn't happen. Our two year anniversary is coming up and, as I mentioned above, I am most definitely not with child (although I am an eternal optimist, I think I am personally keeping First Response in business!).

Over the course of the last two years Jeff and I have waited patiently, waited not so patiently, seen our respective doctors, been poked and prodded and reassured that everything looks just fine, endured two heartbreaking miscarriages, met with multiple insensitive specialists and one kick ass naturopath. The verdict is that everything seems fine. Things look good in fact. Right, but still no baby...

So here we are, not quite infertile (I got pregnant just before we hit the "one year of trying" mark, but miscarried), not exactly defined as having multiple miscarriages (three is multiple, not two...someone needs to take a look at a dictionary, no?), but still no baby.

If you are thinking, it will happen when she least expects it, she just needs to relax, run less maybe, have a glass of wine. That is what I would have thought too before going down this road myself. Honestly, relaxing is basically off the table. I run and read and say the Jesus prayer and take deep breaths, but I wouldn't call myself relaxed. I'm a grab the bull by the horns kind of gal. Relaxing isn't my forte. I've tried running less, sleeping more, drinking less (which means not at all) and even drinking more (that was a fun month!). I've consumed my body weight in natural supplements and even thrown some pretty heavy duty pharmaceuticals at the issue. So far my efforts have been in vain.

I think secondary infertility is different than infertility. I have an amazing daughter who is the picture of health and whom I love very much. Sometimes I feel really guilty for even going to all this effort when I know there are mamas who want more than anything just to have one baby. I also feel guilty because every month that goes by Violet is one month farther apart in age from her future (fingers crossed) sibling. We already have an unorthodox family history and I would hate for Vi to feel in any way removed from our family. I know in my head that I have absolutely no control over this and that there are lots of wonderful things about siblings who are farther apart in age. My heart just has trouble keeping up with my head sometimes.

I wanted to share this with you for two reasons, first I feel like by not telling you I am being a little fraudulent. I love my life, don't get me wrong, but everything isn't always rosy. I really want to have another baby and that isn't working out right now. The second reason is because if even one of you is going through this, or something similar, I want you to know that you are not alone. This whole baby making thing isn't always as easy as they make it out to be in health class. (Although, if any young people are reading this, it is really easy to get pregnant for some people, please be careful!)

The hardest part of sharing this story with you and why I have waited so long to do it is that I don't know how it will end. It is possible, maybe unlikely, but totally conceivable (pardon the pun) that everything will not work out the way Jeff and I hope. We know we have lots to be hopeful about, and trust me, I try to remind myself of that fact on the regular, but the bottom line is we don't know what our future will hold and that totally sucks. As someone who really likes to be in control, I find this to be the hardest part of this whole crappy situation.

So that is what has been going on over here. It feels good to be honest. Please don't worry about me. I am happy. I know I am blessed. I really want another baby to love, but I'll be damned if this predicament stops me from loving the baby I do have and all of the other amazing people in my life.