Saturday, 24 August 2013

Dedicated to all those people who ooze confidence with their broken English and fake accent who make me cower for dear life! No, seriously, I cower so you don't see me shaking violently with laughter and my facial expression that clearly shows that I'm mentally correcting your English. Come on, I'm not that mean! I am polite enough to cower, remember? Now, if all of that just went over your head, e-mail me on shreeshaiyengar@gmail.com and check out the image below.

Friday, 23 August 2013

I read about the Mumbai gang rape today. You can check it out here. I must say, it left me deeply disturbed.

You know, not so long ago, I was going out for dinner with my girl friends. Dad asked me what time I'd be home and I said that I'll be back by 11-11.30pm. He refused point blank and asked me to be home by 9.30, 10pm at the most. I was taking my scooter. We had a row then and there and dad finally declared "Mumbai is not a safe place for girls anymore!" I laughed at him. On his face. I said "Mumbai is the safest place on Earth for women!" and I honestly meant it. After this incident, realisation dawned (I really wonder why it took me so long.) No, Mumbai is not a safe place anymore. Why Mumbai? Neither is India!

When I was in school, 6th standard maybe, we were travelling overnight by train to Tamil Nadu. This man kept eyeing me for no particular reason. The top berth being the favourite most for any kid, was allotted to me. In the middle of the night, I realized that same man lying behind me, hugging me close to his body. I woke up with a start and he scrambled back to his berth. I woke mum and dad up, they created a ruckus and that pervert got off the train. What more could I do?

When I lived in Kerala, I was walking to my place, in the middle of the day. One rickshaw wala slowed down next to me, asking me with indications if I needed a ride. I said no and he drove away. I kept walking and next thing I know, the rickshaw took a U-turn, came racing up to me, and sped past me while the rickshaw wala grabbed my breast. I kept walking like nothing happened. What more could I do?

People say most rapes take place within the family. No, I'm not about to narrate a horrible tale or anything. My own cousin, a guy, used to get all touchy with me. No, not all that bad. He used to put his arms around my waist, keep holding my hands, etc. It made me very uncomfortable. It made me feel all the more disgusting when I realised that he did all this when my parents were not around. Ever since, I have maintained my distance. What more could I do?

When I leave for work in the morning, the morning shift of security guards manning the building stare at me, unfazed. What can I do?

When I stand at the bus stop, waiting for a bus, a creep invariably stands beside me, staring at me with not a single flicker of shame. What can I do?

When I board a bus, some pervert purposely pushes behind me, keeping maximum possible proximity. What can I do?

When I sit on the seat reserved for ladies, men who don't find any seats stand next to the ladies, pushing their groin and huge paunches at our face and shoulder. We ask them to move away. They do and another guy takes their place instead. And this cycle continues. What can we do?

When I commute by bus, creeps stare at me, not flinching once when I stare back. What more can I do?

While commuting by bus, men wait with halted breaths as to when the wind will give them a chance to glance at my cleavage or get a glimpse of my bra strap. What can I do?

In buses/trains, men go to the extent of clicking my pictures, like I am some model showing the fun ways of travelling by public transport. To discourage such behavior, I tie my face with a scarf. Eventually, the heat gets to me and I remove the scarf. And thus, the cycle continues. What more can I do?

When travelling by trains, the slum kids, especially boys, ride by the ladies compartment. They prefer hanging out of the train door. They also prefer staring at women's breasts while also commuting from one place to the other. What can we do?

When I drive, I get many whistles and hoots and honks and squeals. I ignore them and drive on. Sometimes, I am even chased after. And yet, I keep driving. What more can we do?

While walking down the road, I am stalked by the roadside romeos and am subjected to whistles. I ignore them and walk on. What more can I do?

I am subjected to stares from the policemen. What can I do?

When I went on a school trip to Kodaikanal, my butt was groped by some man while walking down a hill. What could I do?

At railway stations, with all the crowd in India, especially Mumbai, my breasts and my butt are subject to a lot of teasing and excitement, however well covered/decently dressed. What can I do?

When men sit next to us ladies, they invariably find the need to fish something out of their shirt pocket. Really? Don't you know that I know that it is just a perverse way for you to nudge and get a feel of my breasts? At the most we can push them away. What more can we do?

When commuting by crowded buses and we don't find any space to sit, we will invariably find another man standing behind us, his groin pressed to our back and his hot breath on our necks. We, again, as usual, push them away and at the most, raise a ruckus. What more can we do?

While commuting by public transport, when men sit behind women, the men just love to touch women's waist and hips. We create a ruckus and some drama. He ultimately gets the piece of action he wanted. What more can we do?

I now fully understand why my parents have a problem with me wearing sleeveless t-shirts, shorts and one piece dresses. I now understand why my parents set a strict curfew. I now understand why my parents ask me to limit my number of guy friends and my closeness to them. I now understand what my parents must be feeling when I don't keep them updated as to where I am. I now understand why my parents are willing to spend any amount of money to ensure that I travel by private transport, safely.

Bloody hell, I now understand why female foeticide and female infanticide is so rampant in India. What parent would want their girl child to go through all that we do?

Friday, 16 August 2013

Alright. I know many of us find ourselves in such situations. You see someone doing/saying something that you JUST can't relate to. Yes, it has happened. And I am about to list out some of them.

1. Not following pedestrian crossing signal- Let me explain how the signal works. When the red light glows, the pedestrians are supposed to halt to let the traffic pass. When the green light glows, the pedestrians should cross the road. How hard is it to understand this basic rule. Really? You think the traffic rules were put in place to cause you more harm than there is!?

2. Motorists honking before the signal says "Go!"- Are you blind? If so, you wouldn't have been given a driver's license. Oh wait, you may not even have a license. My mistake. Either way, let us just assume that since you drive, you are not visually impaired. So, when you can see that the light has not turned green, there are still 4-5 seconds left for the signal to scream "Go!", why the fuck are you honking like there is fire up your ass?

3. Accents- I hate accents. People who live in India, talk in accents. People who go abroad for a very short span, talk in accents. Why? Do you know the one thing I genuinely love and respect about the way Indians speak English? The neutral accent. Yes. When we speak, everybody can understand. That's awesome. It really is. When you ruin that by faking an accent, it takes all the will power in me to not twist your tongue.

4. Speaking loudly over the phone- No. I am not talking about those times when people felt speaking loudly over the phone on a long distance call ensured better quality. I'm talking about the rising level in our speaking volumes today. Okay, given, not just the volume, I hate it when people are rude enough to pick up their mobile phones when another person is having a conversation with them. Hey! I am Queen Rude. I can be rude just to anybody, I can be mean anytime I want. But even I have the manners to say "Excuse me" in formal situations and "Hey! Give me just two minutes for this phone call" during informal conversations. Get your courtesy up and going, people!

5. When girls talk- I know, guys, I know, we talk a lot. Sorry, not we. They talk a lot! I can write as and when my mood permits and I just feel like rambling. How can you girl talk for such long periods over the phone without getting a jaw ache or an ear ache with all the mobile radiation? And how the fuck does your mobile not get heated up? I swear, I was commuting by bus today and this girl beside me was just rambling on about how she was going to some multiplex to buy tickets to the latest box office hit movie. She was rambling, I swear, I'm unable to exactly elaborate on what aspects of the process she touched. Eventually, even the guy on the other end stopped listening, or so I guessed since she suddenly started yelling "Aap kabhi meri baat sunte hi nahi ho? Kabhi toh baat suna karo aur acche se jawab do!" (Translation: "You never listen to anything I say! Can you sometimes listen to what I am saying and give an appropriate response?") Seriously, girl, what do you expect? Do you want him to jump up and down, all excited because you are going to purchase movie tickets for some stupid movie that did not deserve to be a hit? Bloody hell, the guy was not even invited to the movie. Go, take a walk!

6. Distance- People! Maintain some distance! Remember, in school, during the Physical Training period, our teachers taught us the "One hand distance" rule? How about a little application of that in real life? Especially when we are standing in queues? I always, always maintain a good amount of distance with the person in front of me. But the woman behind me has her boobs stuck to my back trying to peer over what is going on ahead or the guy behind me is sticking to me with his bloody paunch and breathing down my neck! And the kids! Seriously? Do you even attend school? When kids stand behind you in a queue, one thing is for certain, the head will touch your butt, accidentally of course, they will touch your hips or butt or back while standing restlessly behind you. What the F!?

7. Guys and porn- No, no, guys! I'm supporting you. Girls! Listen up! Men will be men and boys will be boys. You've heard that, haven't you? Well, what's not to understand? Yes, men watch porn, a lot! So what? As long as he's not actually cheating on you, come on, give the guy a break. So he is watching something stimulating and enjoying himself with a solo performance. Don't by coy, you, sly you! You read 50 shades, girl! You enjoyed Christian Grey! Why the eff can't the guys enjoy!? Hmph!

8. Comments on clothing- I simply can't stand it when people comment on what others are wearing. So what if she's wearing a tight T-shirt? So what if she is wearing shorts? So what if the guy is wearing pink? Good Lord, live and let live! I mean, do you want me to comment about the fucking sleeveless purple colour turtle neck sweater you are wearing with blue jeans on a hot summer day in Mumbai? No? Well, shut up!

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

You guys are idiots. No, really. You are all idiots! Seriously, your level of understanding is at par with seven year olds. Even an eight year old girl would think from a better angle.

Okay, fine, I'm just pissed off. I mean, the guys I do have a crush on seem to not notice me and the guys I had a crush on look like shit now and I go "Really? I wanted him!?" Seriously! What is with you guys? When I do like you, I am not noticed. Hell! It is not my fault that I am independent. It is not my fault that I do not require help from guys most of the time.

"Ha Ha! Yo! Shreesha! You drive the vehicle. Yo! Shreesha, lets drink until the girls cook dinner! Yo! Shreesha! Let us veg in front of the T.V watching stupid superhero movies! Yo! Shreesha! Let us talk about sex and make dirty jokes and make the other girls uncomfortable!"

Yes! I enjoy doing all that shit. No, I do not have the patience for shopping. No, I do not have the patience for gossip, I get my earful and mouthful from bitching (did that even sound right?) Yes, I am a huge disappointment as far as the female species go. BUT, HEY!! I AM A GIRL! You want proof? Look at me! And bloody hell, I like you. Yes, you! How the fuck is that not obvious? I am laughing at your every joke (however stupid), I am dressing well (unlike the others :-) ) and I have no idea what else to add. Yes, I help you with the driving and the talks and all that shit, but, I want you too! Hell, when we got drunk, do you know what a tough time I had with keeping my hands and myself in check? What did I want to do, you ask? I don't know, smooch you, rip your shirt off and ask you to bed. No, no. Don't you dare judge me. That is what crushes are all about when you hit the adult side of the 20s. In college, crushes were all about hearts and red and pink and balloons and all that crap. Growing up, you realize all that was indeed crap and need something more. For me, at this juncture, where stress relief factors play a major role, all I can think about is alcohol and sex. Seriously! "Dear Lord, he looks so good, he talks very well. Hmm, quite an intellect, good personality.. hmm.. I think I may even like him.." A couple of days and bham!! You are fantasizing. Don't deny it. You are making a fool of yourself.

And my crush doesn't even realize any of this. No, no. At 6 feet height and all that knowledge of accountancy, common sense seems to have taken a backseat at least as far as basic human needs go, if you know what I mean. Argh! And he thinks of me as a kid. Well, take that thought and shove it up your ass. I am super pissed off.

And, remember Mr. Shreesha Iyengar? He is another fool. Simply out of this world! He got a job. Yay! Shreesha happy. But, Shreesha pissed off too. Why? Well, since his life has taken a turn for the better, things with his girlfriend are all rosy. I'm happy and all, but, I have been left behind. I'm not talking competition or anything. I'm saying guys should have the basic courtesy to maintain contact with someone who has helped you through difficult times. Wait. Not just guys. People, in general. Why the fuck do I never find myself on the side where I end up leaving people who have helped me? That's right, I am a good girl! :-)

Okay, I am sleepy and bored and addicted to the Lungi Dance song, especially the "Yo! Yo! Honey Singh!" part :-P Needed to rant and I have done the same.