While trapped in the Middle Ages at Camelot for the last music review of "Taking You Back", Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) decided to put the spooky castle tower to good use by attempting to reconstruct Frankenfido for this year's dog show at Crufts using Nicholas Parsons' brain, Yul Brynner's hair and other assorted odds and sods that Graeme forgot to send back to their rightful owners all those years ago. Even more spookily though, the Emperor only managed to create a clone of himself; however his clone was very obnoxious, while the Emperor was universally well respected and loved by everyone (in his dreams!). Finally utterly fed up with his failed experiment, the Emperor shoved his double off the roof of the castle, killing him instantly. Shortly afterwards, the cops arrested him for making an obscene clone fall! (groan!)

Meanwhile Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) had been taken captive by Tim's Uncle King Arthur and Queen Doris. Though Peaches' natural beauty shone through like the Jolly Rock Lighthouse (prior to Bill cooking his chips in the lamp oil at least!), the dress that she was forced to wear was extremely unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as mentioned before, was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when evil Uncle King Arthur cackled, "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in dis dress!" (even bigger groan!)

And that's where we'll leave the "Des O'Connor Book Of Medieval (and just plain evil) Jests" for now as we cross over to the Highbrow Hall School for Brainy Brats and your dribbling DJs with their review of "NAPPY LOVE" by The Goodies.

WHERE? WHEN?

"Nappy Love" can be heard on the 70's albums "The New Goodies LP", "The Goodies Greatest" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", on the 90's CDs "Yum Yum – The Very Best Of The Goodies" and "Funky Gibbon – The Best Of The Goodies" and in episode 6/7 "The Goodies Almost Live"

I met her at the kindergarten (oh oh oh), Oh I was less than two years old (yeah yeah yeah)

She taught me just what bliss is, She gave me six wet kisses, Until by Nanny we were told

It's only nappy love (oh oh), That's what I give to you

It's nappy love (yeah yeah), Although we're only two

I need you and I want you with all my nappy love (my nappy love)

She is a queen in plastic panties (big panties), My baby doll that I adore (tell me more)

I knew I'd really pleased her, That moment when I squeezed her

And she went wee-wee on the floor

But it's just nappy love (oh oh), That's what they always say

It's nappy love (yeah yeah), But it is here to stay

I need you and I want you with all my nappy love (my nappy love)

[spoken]: Oh baby I knew you were the one for me that day you climbed into my cot and gave me a big wet soggy rusk right up my nose. Darling I'll share my teddy with you, I'll share my patent dinky feeding bottle, I'll even let you use my potty. So baby, hold me near and whisper in my ear those words I'm longing to hear you say …[baby babble]

They say that we're too young to marry (quite right too)

We tell them just you wait and see (tee hee hee)

We may be only two, But we know what to do

And very soon we could be three (you don't mean …?!)

Nappy love (oh, THAT … !) just like a safety pin

Our nappy love (does what?) holds our emotions in

I need you and I want you (ah ha) with all my nappy love (my nappy love)

Ooh I need you and I want you (ah ha) with all my NAPPY LOVE!

(boom sha la la etc) [+ more baby babble]

WHY?

(Peaches Stiletto):

Okay, don't let this rattle you, but there is no way to review this song without bringing up its inspiration, Paul Anka's Puppy Love. But let's be honest . . . Nappy Love beats Puppy Love all to heck! And for one very good reason . . . at least the lovesick infants are wearing nappies! Puppies, of course, don't wear nappies and are infinitely more difficult to clean up after (the exception being William's overly excited girlfriend, who apparently goes on the floor with abandon after a little squeeze . . . show some control, girl!). This goes for Donny Osmond's version of Puppy Love, too, because Donny Osmond is also a pain to clean up after. So there, I said it, it's out . . . and out is definitely better than in, especially if one is not wearing their nappy. And poo on any nay sayers! Apart from the obvious sanitation issues, Nappy Love is a tidy little bundle of a tune. The burbling longings of love in this number are sure to get Planned Parenthood all excited in anticipation. Nanny apparently isn't hip to the idea of young love . . . she's probably against handing out condoms to pre-schoolers as well. That's just the backwards kind of conservatism that needs to be thrown out with the dirty diapers. If anyone knows what they want, it's babies! The know when they want to eat, they know when they want to sleep, and they certainly know when they want to do doodies. Why shouldn't they know when it's true love? If young William feels strongly enough to tell his baby girlfriend that she's number one (or is that number two?) then who are we to stand in their way? Hooray for young love! Hey . . . hey, you rugrats! Put your nappies back on and get off my new parquet floors! Forget it . . . I don't support babies or puppies. Maybe I will adopt Donny Osmond after all.

(Emperor Caligula):

For crying out loud (every couple of hours during the night), have the Goodies gone potty or something? Not only have they regressed back to their babyhood again, but they're doing it as a send-up of a Donny Osmond song of all things! They've just cot to be kidding, right? Actually no, despite taking a big rusk, the Goodies don't spit the dummy and they end up having a bawl with the winning formula of this pram rock classic (although the likes of Australian Crawl might have produced a real screamer of a version by comparison). I guess it proves that young Donny really did know a thing or two about dribble, even though he'd definitely lost his baby teeth by then. Without wanting to be a wet blanket (or wetting the blanket either!) I initially thought that this song was a bit diaper-bolical, but the line about two soon becoming three (a little (nappy) rash though – kind of gives a whole new meaning to the term "baby bump"!) soon got me giggling away at such an im-puree concept. So now that I've got wind of this little kiddy ditty (or got wind from it perhaps) I can only urge you not to be a cot case and go toddle out and "shake your booties" to it.

HOW!

Using the Black Pudding Rating System:

IIII Officially Amazing (Peaches Stiletto)

III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Emperor Caligula)

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII - Officially Amazing.

III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.

II - Fair-y Punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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