Penn Satire, Since 1899

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Freshman guest columnist Celine Cumming with the news.

Last week, the universe sent a miracle. After years of bated breath, it has finally happened:

Adele has dropped a new single.

As expected, it has rocked the world. It is the type of song that has people all over Craigslist trying to connect to that decently attractive person they saw on mass transportation 4 months ago. After being out for only 6 days, the music video has been seen over 116 million times. On October 23rd, the video set a single-day view total record of 27.7 million. The song itself has been on the top of the charts for at least four days. The song may very well be the best thing ever to be crafted by mortal hands, but it also could just be the anticipation.

In 2011, Adele left her life of fame and Grammys to raise her now three-year-old son with boyfriend Simon Konecki. Though she released the epic theme to the 2012 James Bond movie, “Skyfall”, it was nothing like the soul-crushing, face-melting, heartstring-tugging masterpiece that has now created international havoc.

All this being said, please do not fret. The Grammy committee has responded accordingly. Late Monday night, in her stately English home sipping tea out of a fabulous gold chalice, Adele received a letter and a package, delivered by none other than Morgan Freeman. Adele welcomed him in, and he gave her the good, albeit unsurprising news, that she had received an immediate Grammy. He really does sound like God when he speaks. After chatting for a few minutes and admiring the gold gramophone, Adele tweeted out:

“Many thanks to the friends on the Grammy committee. This trophy shall sit perched next to my other accolades, but at a slightly more elevated level, as I understand an immediate Grammy is a coveted prize, indeed. However, please know, plebeians, that this award will not suffice if you truly wish to pay me homage. If I am understanding correctly [which I am], you are now beginning to realize that I am truly a goddess. It has taken you humans much longer than I expected, but now that it has been established, I will be accepting and expecting gifts and slaves regularly. Also, thank you to my incredible fans.”*

It is rumored that the only other artist selected to receive an immediate Grammy was Beyonce. Though most are just thankful that Adele is back in their lives, YouTube is quite worried. “Hello” came out as a part of Adele’s new album, 25, and if the rest of the album is anything like the first release, YouTube is going to be broken within a matter of days after the premiere.

*While most tweets are capped at 140 characters, twitter has made a unique exception for Adele.