Reader Question: Do I Have To Live with a Sexless Marriage?

How are you supposed to live in a sexless marriage?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s is from a woman whose husband has given up on sex altogether.

My husband has gone to the doctor and tells me it’s because of his age that he is having “erectile dysfunction” (he is only 41)…when I bring things up he gets very mad and says that I am obsessed with sex. It makes me feel so undesired. Our last conversation he said that he was sick of hearing me. Granted, I do bring it up every few months because I think maybe we can try. If he tried it would mean the world to me. I feel like since he doesn’t try, not even with kissing, that maybe I should just give up. I am so frustrated, I have been so patient and understanding not to overstep boundaries, but really!? I didn’t get married to live with a roommate, he is my husband and I love him but I feel alone. I wish he was willing to talk about things, to maybe seek counselling, but that is not the case. He is so focused on work and money and not us.

I know a marriage isn’t all about making love, but the connection is missing. I care about us, I want us to be happy in every aspect. He is a great provider, he is caring, supportive, generous, it’s just this department…and I don’t think it’s a small issue.

What a heartbreaking problem! So let’s try to tackle this today.

It’s true that you can’t make someone change.

But it’s also true that you should not sit back and do nothing when they are going down a road that is bad for them and bad for your marriage.

I hear so often from women, “I try to bring it up, but he just shuts me down.”

I’m not really sure how that works. For him to shut you down, you have to agree to shut up about it.

Perhaps he’s abusive and he yells and he threatens you, and then you have bigger issues. Please, seek out a counselor, or call the police if it’s necessary. It’s not okay to live with someone who threatens, belittles, or hurts you.

But most women are in a situation where we bring up something like a sexless marriage–or something else serious, like a financial crisis–and he doesn’t want to talk about it, so he does one of three things:

He shuts down and refuses to talk at all

He yells and makes such a fuss that you stop talking

He deflects and blames you for the problem (like our letter writer–it’s her problem for being obsessed with sex)

None of these is a healthy way of managing conflict. And for you to go along with it is to build up walls in your marriage. A sexless marriage is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with, and instead of dealing with it, you’re allowing him to shove it under the rug. And that’s only going to build distance between the two of you–and build distance between him and God.

I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m laying the blame at your feet, when it’s him that’s refusing to talk about something important. But I also don’t want people to feel helpless when their spouses are doing something really wrong, and that’s what I want to address today. I’m not saying that you’re bad or that you’re to blame; only that you really shouldn’t allow your spouse to shut you down.

And as I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, we’re called to be peaceMAKERS not peaceKEEPERS. Sweeping things under the rug isn’t making peace; it’s actually preventing it because it’s allowing sin to continue.

Listen to me clearly on this: when a person refuses sex, they are at heart refusing intimacy, as we talked about last week. And when they run away from intimacy with their spouse, I can pretty much guarantee that they are also running away from true, authentic intimacy with God–even if they’re serving on the elders’ board or preaching from the pulpit.

So what do you do?

You love your husband.

And loving him means looking out for his long-term best interests, which means promoting real character growth.

And he is hurting himself. You are the one feeling the hurt acutely right now, but you are not actually the one who is the most hurt. What you have is a normal, healthy reaction to a bad situation. What he has is an abnormal, unhealthy reaction. When we react normally and in a healthy manner and also go before God, even if we have great disappointments in our lives, we will end up stronger and more like Christ. But when we run from true intimacy and authenticity, we will be far from okay.

1. Get a Support Group and Pray Hard. This is a battle.

And the battle is for both of your hearts. God wants you to react not in bitterness but in concern for your husband and your marriage. God doesn’t want you to lash out, but He does want you to be brave. And God wants your husband to open up to real intimacy.

To close yourself off from intimacy is dangerous. So here are some general points on how to handle this.

2. Have a game plan–Know what you want

Before you start the conversation, know what you want to get out of it. Expecting him to see it all your way and agree that you are totally right is not realistic. But expecting him to treat a sexless marriage as a real problem, and commit to working towards healing, is completely reasonable. So you may want him to agree to talk to a doctor; to see a counselor; to agree to have some intimate time once a week where you touch and talk and try, even if it doesn’t completely work.

3. Ask to start praying together

When sex is an issue in your marriage, intimacy in general is quite often an issue, too, because it’s through sex that married people bare their souls to each other. When that isn’t happening, we tend to put up walls.

But sex isn’t the only way we can break down those walls. When we pray together, we’re also deeply intimate with each other. And we ask God to work in our lives, and it’s His power that we really need. So even before you address the issue of sex, it’s always worth praying together. If he refuses that as well, it’s quite likely that he’s running away from intimacy of all forms.

4. Insist on a conversation

If he starts yelling or refuses to talk or says, “this is over”, you say, “I am not willing to accept that, and I do not believe that. If you will not talk about it now, then I will be bringing it up again tomorrow night and the night after that and the night after that. This is not going anywhere. We need to figure this out. So let’s settle a time when we can discuss this.”

5. Refuse to cover for him anymore

If he has refused a conversation, then it is now time to take some action.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a sister group for the family members of alcoholics called Al Anon, to help them deal with the emotional and practical turmoil of living with an alcoholic. And one of the things that they preach is that one of the first steps to helping your loved one get help is to stop enabling them–to stop covering up for them anymore. We cover up because we think it’s the loving thing to do. We’re scared that if we stop covering up, everything will come crashing down and we’ll lose this relationship we desperately need.

But the loving thing to do is to help your husband see that he needs help, and that means facing the consequences of his actions.

This may look different in different families, depending upon the ages of your children. But if your children are adults now, it’s okay to tell them that you and their father are having difficulties and that you’ll be in separate bedrooms until your husband agrees to get some help. If he serves on an elder’s board, it’s okay to go to the pastor in private and say, “We’re having some marital difficulties and you need to know about it. I’m asking you as my pastor to deal with my husband appropriately and ask him to get some help.” It’s okay to stop going to social functions as a couple until he works on things.

It is not okay to be rude, mean, or unkind. It is not okay to spend a ton of money in revenge, to flirt with anyone else, or in any way to be unloving. But it is okay to let others know that you are having issues and that his refusal to seek help is the cause.

6. Stage an intervention

Once you let others know, it’s also appropriate in many cases to ask others to help you have a serious intervention. Personally, I feel quite strongly that the advice you seek here should be that of a trained counselor, who has gone through this sort of thing before. Get a group around you to pray through what you will say, when you will say it, and how you will say it.

And then, with perhaps 1 or 2 other trusted people, meet with him and tell him that he is hurting himself, hurting you, and hurting his spiritual life, and he needs to get help.

7. Decide what to do

What if he doesn’t seek help and refuses? Now you have some decisions to make about what you will do. A great book for people in this situation is Leslie Vernick’s How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, and I highly recommend it.

8. Be Prepared

Finally, a warning. If someone is completely running away from sex, there may be a reason that you don’t want to hear. Perhaps he is struggling with homosexuality or porn use, and has completely destroyed his ability to perform or desire anything in a heterosexual marriage (save from a major intervention from God).

I’ve received several letters from women lately whose husbands really do appear to be gay. But they’re not admitting it; instead, they’re lashing out at their wives, and they’re getting mad if anyone suggests that anything is wrong. And they’re throwing themselves into their work.

They’re running from the truth.

It could be that your husband is running from the truth, and as you press him to deal with your sexless marriage, you’ll hear something awful.

God is still there for you. He is big enough to carry you. And it’s better to know the truth than to live in a lie, because at least when the truth is out we can live authentically.

For anyone living in a sexless marriage, I am so sorry. I’m sure the pain is grave indeed. I pray that you will find resolution.

And now let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to stage an intervention? Have you ever had to seek outside help? How did that work for you?

I’m actually taking a hiatus this week with my husband, so I won’t be around (though I’ve got stuff scheduled for the blog and for Facebook). But I’ve asked Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous and Ngina from Intentional Today to step in and participate in the comments for me while I’m gone! Thanks, ladies!

61 Comments

Sad and Lonely
on December 7, 2015 at 8:31 am

What do we do if no one will help you stage an intervention? While we are not in a totally sexless marriage, at once every two months, it’s virtually sexless. The christian counsellor we saw said sex is unimportant and agreed with my husband that I’m “obsessed” for wanting sex three times a week.

The secular counsellor we saw said it’s not how much sex that you have that matters, but rather working together to find a solution that makes both partners satisfied (but implying that the one who wants it least should ultimately decide how much sex because “no one should feel pressured”). She has encouraged him to get his low testosterone treated but only very briefly in passing and implied he should be doing it as a compromise to me, not because he should be doing it for his own health or his marriage’s health. Which of course just made him dig in more about not wanting to do it, because anything I suggest he should do, even when the only person it benefits is himself, even when it’s something in my field of expertise (ie healthcare), he just sees even a gently made suggestion for his own benefit as people “bullying” him and that he must refuse to do it otherwise “the bully wins”.

I kind of fear that an intervention would have that effect on him, although at this stage we have no choice left as everything else has been tried.

Our pastor just says he’s not a marriage counsellor and to bring it up with a marriage counsellor. Our women’s coordinator basically said speak to the pastor. The other female I saw as a spiritual leader responded with “don’t want to know” about any marriage problems. With our bible study leaders, I’ve more focused on the bigger area of sin that is destroying our marriage – his computer game addiction – but other than mild brief suggestions that maybe he should spend less time on the computer and more time with his family, that’s all they are willing to do.

I’ve begged his family to do an intervention and all I get from them is “pray” and “do even more to just quietly support him get over being like this” as he continues to get more addicted and less willing to do anything about it. Oh and “he’s doing a lot better than we ever thought he would be like as a husband and a father”, like I should be happy that basically have no husband – just a roommate who goes out of his way to be difficult and uncooperative and unhelpful.

I think suggestion 5. is the most hurtful to read. Because we are already sleeping in separate rooms because HE doesn’t want to deal with any of our issues. It’s his way of punishing me for having raised the issues at all. HE is the one who has given up his involvement in ministries to the point where he doesn’t even go to church to anymore because he stays at home and plays computer games instead. The church is aware of it and their only response was to take him off the worship team roster “until you can reliably turn up when rostered on” – he saw that as good – as a reason not to even try to be involved in ministry anymore, so he could blame them not the fact that he was choosing to not turn up.

As for social functions? I don’t think we’ve ever gone to a social function as a married couple, ever. I have stopped going to any myself, because I was the one who got condemnation every time I had to say “I’m really sorry but he didn’t want to come”. It’s been easier to stay at home lonely than to go out and be asked where he is and be faced with either having to refuse to answer (which I find too hard as people think it’s rude), or lie (which I’m not willing to do), or tell the truth and me be the one condemned as well.

I don’t know what else to do. I’ve even considered separation but he would see that as a good thing – he can do as pleases and not to have to “waste” any of his precious gaming time being a husband or a father – and I would be left with 100% of the responsibility for being a provider and a parent instead of 99%. Plus I just have nowhere to go.

What do you do when someone is wrapped up in an addiction and see any sort of intimacy as a bad thing but no one will intervene?

I am so sorry you are in such a hard place. Sheila’s opening point, she talked about battling in prayer. When there’s no one to help, when the very person that needs the help shuts it down – we can remain in battle. The wonderful thing about prayer is that it changes US – so much so that we are able to bear impossible situations and continue to have faith in God, even in desperate situations.

There’s a lot of practical things we should do – like Sheila mentioned and you have done. Yet continued prayer is key to having all these things work, in the first place. Just felt to encourage you in that – God can still reach a heart that is totally closed off to other people and influences.Ngina Otiende recently posted…To the Single Woman Confused About Sex

I don’t usually reply to messages, but reading this made me furious, after a bit of prayer and thought (and calming down) here is MY view:

This is more than just a marriage problem. This is an addiction destroying lives. This is a war.
We have an enemy who hates marriage and will use any means necessary to destroy marriage.
God uses marriage to teach us many things and the Bible teaches that husbands should love their wives and not withhold the affection due to our wives.

But I believe that God is hurt even more than you are (how would you feel watching your daughter go through the same experience?) It sounds like this problem is taking away the affection due to you and destroying this man’s relationships with others, even his relationship with God (as he has been taken off the worship team roster) How hurt is God by all this??

I believe in an all or nothing approach. PRAY!! Do not quit! God doesn’t force people to change, but He has power to help you and your family!!
Ask your Pastor to choose a side: help the enemy by standing back and doing nothing or helping God and being God’s voice to the flock he tends(this is meant as an encouragement to your Pastor and a reminder that this issue is serious, this IS his job to look after the flock and this is a war -we must be active, even if he has no experience in this area PLEASE TRY!! help this family for God)

To the husband: make a choice to obey God and Do NOT WITHHOLD THE AFFECTION DUE TO YOUR WIFE. Read 1 Corinthians 7 especially verse3.

Love your wife as God loves you and gave his only begotten Son for you that you might be saved. Put God first, make a list of priorities and spend appropriate time on each (I’m not saying don’t have time for relaxing and fun by yourself but you have responsibilities, MAN UP to them!

Thank you for your comment. I was in a sexless marriage for 15 years. We started out twice a month (i was 20, he was 24), then it slowly began to decrease to where when he finally asked for a divorce it had been two years (hes now 40). Looking back, Im convinced it was porn, which had rewired his brain and made him impotent. He required excitement and I wasnt it. He had an affair and that didnt do it either. Now he is gone, and all that pain of rejection and my heart literally breaking- is gone. I used to cry for hours, begging God to fix our marriage- begging God to make me enough for my husband- and eventually begging God to give me a way out of such a tormenting, devastating marriage. The grief one feels over the loss of the marriage isnt even a fraction of the pain you feel living in a loveless, sexless, distant marriage. To anyone who puts up with it just to avoid separation or divorce, i will say sometimes its better than the pain youre going through right now. I would never condone divorce, but i cant condone living in a loveless marriage either. God didnt design marriage to be constant heartbreak, indifference, and contemptuous. Its so damaging to the soul. I lived it. I know. And now God is healing me, from the inside out. Showing me how much he loves me, through family, church, friends, and by changing my own attitude about myself.

This is a much bigger problem in the church then anyone will admit. A HUGE reason is not just gaming but porn addiction. Of course there is the possible turning to or seeking a gay lifestyle. It’s wrong, unbiblical and unnatural. But it also sounds like he has so withdrawn from the marriage in other areas too. The bible does speak of seperation in hopes of reconciliation. I personally would do thus for at least a big wake up call….. don’t you wish men/people would just be open and honest… check your computer for hidden porn, too.

I feel your pain. My husband just eats and eats. He is getting so heavy and takes so many meds that is problem. I feel he would rather eat than be intimate with me– giving me the negative self esteem.

Kids all grown and out so I feel like I live with a brother instead of my husband.
We are early 50s. Feel like we are living like 80 year olds- we should be having fun.
Considering leaving. The lonliness is unbearable– even when he is in the room. Then he can eat all he wants and watch tv and not be bothered
I am not sure I am even in love with him anymore. Hell of a way to wind up! He is fat and expects me to look nice but cares less. So what is the point? We never do anything. No friends. Feel trapped.

Ok. My husband told me over 3 years ago that he doesn’t love me and will not have sex with me. That we are roommates and not to ask him for any more. I have honored his wishes and there have been no repercussions. We have a daughter who has Down Syndrome and loves unconditionally, but has started seeking out male leadership at church for approval. I have attended DivorceCare and went to the minister of that church for counseling. I am staying in our church where I used to be able to be in leadership. I quit subscribing to certain blogs because of the high sexual content, but my desire is still for my husband. Do we ever get over this or have permission for separation or divorce? This is really taking a toll on my health. My daughter and I were diagnosed with diabetes 3 years ago and we have been trying to eat healthy and exercise together. We get no support from him emotionally and he just cut us off from “his” paycheck. I do not have a full-time job, but I have been looking for one.

Heather, that’s a difficult place and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. You have mentioned that you “honored his wishes” and it brings to mind what Sheila said about KEEPING peace, instead of MAKING peace. I hope some of the things listed in her post will help you chart a way forward.Ngina Otiende recently posted…To the Single Woman Confused About Sex

My first thought when I read the letter was that something more is wrong. This is exactly how my husband was acting and Sheila hit the nail on the head with the final part of her response. My husband was deeply entrenched in porn and affairs. I knew he used porn, I had talked to him about how it hurt me, I had asked him to stop. He said he had but I knew something was still wrong. I discovered one affair a little more than a year ago and we have been through counseling. Two months ago he started refusing to even touch me. Turns out he finally hit rock bottom. He had had another affair and saw how much the porn use was damaging him, and final realized that his sexual addiction was real. He had the some trouble with ED this woman’s husband has, but it’s the sexual addition and porn use not anything medical causing it. He explained affair as he was trying to see if he felt anything, he was looking for a reason for the ED. I had been trying to convince him for years that he had an addiction to porn but just like an alcoholic you can’t convince them until they are ready. I think sexual addiction is a much bigger problem than society thinks. He started attending sexaholics anonymous and has been nearly six weeks without porn use. It’s a hard road but he knows he isn’t alone. He came back from his first meeting with a big smile on his face. He had seen someone else from our church there. To date he has seen six men we know through church at meetings. I don’t know who these men are because just like AA meetings are confidential. My point here is that too many times this is a much deeper issue than you think. This is one area that people don’t face because it is so hard to admit, both for the addict and the spouse. There is also group meetings for the spouse of he addict. I haven’t attending any of those yet, it’s been so hard for me to deal with all the emotional turmoil this had caused me. But one day I will, I need to learn to deal with how I have been hurt just as he needs to learn how to deal with his addiction.

T,
Please attend a COSA or S Anon meeting. You will find other spouses who will ‘get’ what you are going through. I cannot tell you how much it helps to be able to share with others walking the same road. You will learn how to take care of what you have control of, and have peace for the stuff you cannot control. Blessings.

T, what a journey and (still unfolding) testimony! Sometimes we forget that healing and restoration are a journey. It takes time and WORK to get to a healthy place. Thank you for sharing and encouraging us all.Ngina Otiende recently posted…To the Single Woman Confused About Sex

T, yes, I agree that porn addiction is much more prevalent than we know. Getting support from other women with the same experience is so valuable and helps with healing. Even though rock bottom is the worst, it leads to the best. I am praying your husband continues to focus his eyes on Jesus and that you will grow, too.Bonny recently posted…I Love Knowing When Sex is Going to Happen

Maybe he suffered sexual abuse as a child? Doesnt always have to be porn. That can be very difficult,especially if he is in denial because its too overwhelming. I suffered sexual abuse and havent slept with my husband for three years. I am in therapy and I’m trying my best but building trust can be so very hard and intimacy without trust is impossible. Sometimes people refuse intimacy because they are really dying inside. I agree that he should be willing to seek professional help and it must be very hard to be with someone who doesnt want to be intimate with you but its not always for selfish reasons.

Yes, certainly an abusive past can make sexual intimacy a major challenge. I think what matters most is that the spouse is pursuing answers, not simply shutting down. I applaud your willingness to seek help, and I pray that you can be intimate with your husband soon.J. Parker recently posted…Q&A with J: “Will My Larger Penis Hurt My Bride?”

How do you lay down the law to your husband or set boundaries and consequences if you are commanded to be submissive to your husband? I think this may be such an issue for so many women asking for help. In the secular world you can tell him to shape up or ship out but in the Christian world you are told to pray hard and submit. I believe many of us are confused by this.

Angie, I found the book Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend) very helpful in helping me unravel biblical boundaries as a wife. There is even a Boundaries for marriage book by the same authors. I consider Ephesians 5:21 very important in marriage, that we are to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. A man and wife are first brother and sister in Christ. The other caveat is a husband needs to be loving selflessly like Christ. I don’t think we are called to blanketly submit if husbands aren’t working with their wives toward a solution to honor the marriage. This doesn’t mean someone wins and someone loses, this is about a win-win for Christ and the marriage.

Personally, I kind of wish we’d dump the word “submission” with all its baggage and pick something else that reflects what the Scripture truly means. Yes, I believe in submission in marriage (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-2, Colossians 3:18). But when it comes to marriage problems, we wives must remember that we first submit to God. If He says something is right or wrong, that becomes our primary obligation. Consider that there are verses about submitting to governmental authorities, but when Peter and John were brought before the Sanhedrin in Acts 4, they said, “Do you think God wants us to obey you rather than him?” The obvious answer was no.

If your husband is engaged in detrimental behavior, it isn’t submission to sweep that under the carpet. Rather, you need to speak up for what God desires for your marriage and set appropriate boundaries.

My husband and I have struggled with little to no sex for over 2 years. He has ED now which has happened for over the last two years. He confessed to me of an affair about 3 to 4 months ago, just because the woman he was involved with called me. I don’t think he would have ever had told me. I don’t trust him. We have been to counseling and need to continue. Money is an issue with counseling. I am so hurt by his actions and I am very fearful it will happen again, if it isn’t already him going elsewhere. I feel so hurt and lonely. He is always so busy with everything that I seem to not matter to him. I am trying to stay strong for our kids and through the holidays. I need help with all this. I have good days and bad days. I know God is my only source to move forward with my life. I have sickness in my body, I am diabetic and also have rheumatoid arthritis, both are affected by stress. I stay stressed with work and kids and just everything. He is gone working all the time and everything lands on me. I don’t know how to overcome this.

Good article Sheila,
I’ve lived in a sexless marriage as a guy for 12 years. I think my beautiful wife has some serious intimacy issues. We did have sex here and there but it required begging and always initiating. It went from her saying no 50% to 80% to 100% of the time. Unfortunately my wife found porn on my computer a year ago. I was not always involved with porn but after years of rejection, it became more and more tempting. Unlike some people’s opinions including my own at times, porn is never an option. It’s illegitimate intimacy and sin and opens us up to darkness.

But being that she likely already had intimacy issues, this has just made things worse and I have felt unworthy to try to address her issues as I was the “adulterer”. But it’s been a year and I’m over my sin. She isn’t but it’s time to deal with her intimacy-less issues. I think she believes her non sex has been somehow righteous and now sees it all through the lens of porn. It’s all my fault. I did confess that I master-bated through our whole marriage, since we had sex at best once a month and she sees this as a betrayal too.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. It’s time for me to man up somehow. We have gone to counseling for a year but it’s been pretty worthless. We talk about communication. And then don’t communicate about the real issues. I’ve tried to stay quite but it’s time for break-through. My marriage has sadly been so emasculating.

Nate – As a man stuck in a similar sexless marriage, I feel your pain, hurt, anger, frustration and previous rationalization to turn to porn. I just encourage you to take care of yourself and know that you are not alone in your feelings of pain and falling for the seductive and easy path of porn. It is easy for the person who has rejected, rejected, and rejected to take the “moral high ground” instead of owning the devastation they have caused on the partner who has been rejected on so many occasions.

My heart goes out to the women in the original post as I could see where a husband turning down sex is probably even more difficult for a women because of all of the media and stereotypes. To the “Sad and Lonely”poster; I believe there is a large percentage of husbands who would trade all their material possessions away if they had a wife that initiated sex three times a week.

Thanks Jim. That’s encouraging. Agreed, I’d dump it all just to have my wife show me affection. That’s really the deal. If she could muster up some passion for a back rub let alone sex. Affection, acceptance, love!

I think there’s some deeper stuff going on for all of us that needs addressing. God is good and faithful. Jesus+anything is an idol. That sounds Christianeese but I think it’s true. God is jealous for our affection just like we want affection from our spouses.. Ooo something good in there…

Please try a different counselor. If one spouse cannot admit within a year of therapy that they too have been wrong/have issues, then the counselor isn’t doing their job right. I feel your pain, I do. My husband finally, this year, let himself realize the agony his rejection put me through for years. He actually promised to never turn me down again! And even initiated for the first time in 9 + years! There is hope my dear friends. But I think (at least in MY case,) it takes perseverance in a calm loving attitude with educational material on how making love is such a benefit and necessity to BEING in love. Not to mention the self esteem of your spouse! Hang in there.

“… it takes perseverance in a calm loving attitude with educational material on how making love is such a benefit and necessity to BEING in love. ”

I wish educational material worked, but alas my wife just won’t bother to do any research on her own (she obviously sees no reason to—the problem is only mine), or even read the research I’ve uncovered. I have some dozen different ebooks, well over 2000 web links to assorted blogs, forums, and scientific sites, yet she won’t even read anything I present to her. (I’m “attacking” her) I’m Christian and she was baptized Christian but actually identifies more with her Jewish ancestry, although she doesn’t practice it. I’ve tried to show her opinions from both perspectives as well as other religions, too. I have material from both male and female perspectives. I’ve tried to show her medical sites that explain the benefits of sex on our health. She studied psychology in college, so I tried to show her articles on how sex is good for our emotional and psychological well-being and the satisfaction within a relationship. She won’t read any of it. She accused me of using porn. Although I admit that I have watched some porn on occasion (including a few times with her at her suggestion), I do not USE porn, per se. Our sex life was fine for the first 15 years or so of our marriage. Then it tapered off quickly to less than once a month. When I questioned things, all I got was “stop pressuring me.” So I backed off. What happens when I leave it all up to her? Frequency drops to only about 3-4 times per year. But now she complains that I don’t “look at her the same way.” I’m “not interested.” Gee, if I pursue, I’m pressuring—if I don’t pursue, I don’t love her. I can’t win! I have decided to move to the extra room after the new year. We’ll see if that wakes her up.

Colin
on December 11, 2015 at 3:54 pm

You are open to suggestions??

PRAY!

I’ve heard that so many times and sometimes it’s annoying to hear but remember that God can do miracles, He has seen every hurt every tear knows all your pain and He CARES!

PRAY for help, pray for a miracle ,pray with your wife (thanking God for her by name every day) thank God for His mercy, pray with trusted friends (for a strong healthy marriage) never quit never give up but pray.

Don’t just pray but pray with action, get help. Ask your wife what it would take from you and what she believes her part is(if she won’t have sex with you, who are you meant to have sex with -THIS IS NO EXCUSE ON YOUR PART but you have repented now do what’s right from now on)

A wife should not be denying the affection due to her husband(nor a husband that due to his wife) you are a team, love each other, work as a team, meet each other’s needs.

Been through tough times myself but persevere… DONT QUIT!!

Get help from Pastor,friends (trusted Christians)

Tell your wife you will work hard to save your marriage and ask her to help.

Thanks for responses!
I suggest EVERYONE on this site and dealing with these issues to look into “intimacy anorexia”. Google it. Dr. Doug Weiss.

It nails it! This is basically a disorder stemming from trauma. No quick fixes. It looks like it will be a long road. But yes, I continue to pray and try to get help. Unfortunately I think a lot of counselors know nothing about this issue. These people have an in-ability to do intimacy on all levels. It can heal but requires them accepting it and then a commitment to change… God sized battle really.

Sheila – Thank you for raising the possibility that the husband may not be attracted to women at all. I seldom see this issue raised, but I know that it is real. Two women I know struggled for years to understand why their husbands were not interested in sex. They, of course, blamed themselves and tried to figure out what was “wrong” with them. In both cases it turned out that the husband was attracted to men, not women. Of course, it’s devastating to hear that (or figure it out), but in some ways it was a relief. I have lost track of one of these women, but the other is a good friend who is now married to a man who loves and is attracted to her.Gaye @CalmHealthySexy recently posted…Slow Down and Enjoy Christmas and Let’s Get Real Party #120

This blog post really hit me, we are not in a sexless marriage but he refuses to talk about our financial crisis were in. An I feel I have enabled this behavior to go on. He hasn’t worked for 7 months, unemployment ran out and we have two children. we have been struggling to put food on the table and people have donated food to giving us cash because they see our need. But he doesn’t want to talk about it nor do anything about it. A wise women told me that I need to do something for the Children and I’m not fixing the problem by waiting or him. There needs to be an intervention for him to get the clue that he’s not doing his GOd given role as a father and husband. So I will be taking steps to feed and bathe my children and he will need some help. Any advice to go about that with him ??

I just stumbled on this post. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He’s a wonderful provider and we do things together, have fun, enjoy being with each other, yet sex is rare. It’s been 6 months but that’s not unusual. We go that long on average. I have prayed and prayed to no avail. I cry at night and stress myself out over it. When I ask him he always says “it’s not me, but him” and then drops it and says “he’s a failure.” So I haven’t pushed it with him because I don’t want him to feel like a failure so I go on like it’s ok. But inside I’m dying. I’ve mentioned counseling in the past but he says it’s not needed. I’ve mentioned ED but he won’t discuss that either. He works hard and I know he’s stressed, like all the time. I don’t know how to help him. When I ask him what I can do to help him out, he says he’s fine and not to worry. I can parade naked in front of him and get nothing, so much for the whole visually stimulated thing. I don’t know what to do. There’s no porn issue, or affair, that I can find. I think it’s stress and ED but u can’t force somebody to get checked out or be less stressed or tell u how u can help. I want to try some of those things u mentioned in the article but I’ve been shot down and closed out so often I’m afraid to do it. I feel so helpless and frustrated. I want more intimacy, not just sex, then he is giving me and that seems so selfish to ask it of him.

My situation is very similar to yours. At this moment, it’s been 6 months since our last encounter. We enjoy each others company, but there is a severe lack of intimacy. He has never been particularly affectionate and even says ‘Eeeww’ every time he sees kissing on tv. He knows it annoys me, but he thinks it’s funny. As an added bonus, he has had porn issues andhas cheated on me in the past. We were separated for a year, but have now been together again for almost 2 years.

I have discussed counseling, medical treatment, and even came to the conclusion he doesn’t want me, but he insists he thinks I’m beautiful and it’s not anything I’m doing our not doing. He’s stressed due to our finances, but that’s just an excuse. To make matters worse, I’m a Christian and he’s an atheist, so all I can do is pray, but I’ll admit that I’m impatient for results. Sometimes I think I made a mistake for not taking the exit and divorcing him when I discovered the adultery. I’m so frustrated and he really doesn’t see what the big deal is all about. I avoid nagging, but at times I just want to explode. Seeing affectionate couples makes me want to cry at times because I long for that intimacy I fear I’ll never experience in this marriage.

I am in the same situation also. My husband and I have been married 9 years and our sex life is next to none. We have sex maybe twice a week. I do everything I have read to do, except the intervention. I encourage him daily, send him sweet messages during the day,have dinner ready when he walks through the door, I even watch the does he likes to watch, to no avail. I’ve lovingly asked for sex, gotten angry, bought sexy under clothes and still nothing works. I just don’t know anymore. And of course, he just shuts down. What is a wife to do when she has done everything, read everything, talked till she’s blue in the face and her husband still won’t comply? I’m really st my wits end here. How much longer do I have to patiently wait for him to want me?

Hi Vanessa, I’m so sorry that you feel this way, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling rejected! I know how hard that can be to feel like you aren’t wanted.

If I can jump in a bit, though, having sex twice a week probably puts you in the “more often than average” category. That’s definitely NOT a sexless marriage. I think what you have is just a libido difference. But twice a week is actually on the more frequent side of normal, given the surveys that I conducted for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and other surveys that I have found. What about just working at making those times really memorable for both of you, and then on the nights when you aren’t making love, make sure that you’re connecting in other ways–like talking, or playing a game, or something?

I’m not saying don’t want more, just that maybe instead of being angry at him you need to find ways to rejoice in the marriage that you do have and love him for who he is. I hope that makes sense!

I came here from The Generous Husband. I would very much appreciate it if you would write the same column from the other side. My wife is a good woman. We had a wonderful passionate courtship but were still virgins when we got married. We had a great honeymoon and made love almost every day after that our honeymoon until our oldest was born almost a year after we got married. After that it grew very sparse, down to once a week, sometimes a little more. Try doing that as a 20 something red blooded man married to a beautiful woman! She was always busy, sick, tired. She is a very competent and organized person. She has held every significant leadership responsibilities at church and at the schools that our children went to. She is a good cook and a good housekeeper and was good with the kids when they were little. Oh, she is always there for other people. Just not for me. For the first 18 years of our marriage I initiated at least 95% of the sex, and probably 98%. I tried every approach conceivable: begging, pleading, discussions, anger, annoyance, withdrawal. The only thing that seemed to get her attention was withdrawal. After 2 days of silence she would want to “talk.” I tried over and over to explain that was how I was experiencing life with her and she would insist that she would do better. And she would, for about two weeks. Then it would be back to the same: busy, sick, tired, busy, sick, tired, ad infinitum. A month or two later I couldn’t take it any more so around and around we went. If I didn’t believe so strongly in marriage and didn’t love her and my children I would have hit the road. But I have spent many years married to a cold and stingy woman who did not give me the affection that I needed – the normal affection that every good man, Christian or not, needs from marriage. I was promised over and over by the youth leaders in church that if I would just stay chaste until marriage that my wife would make it worth it. Boy, was that wrong!
And our arguments followed the pattern above: first she would be sad or contrite, then she would be come angry and then basically I would hear about how imperfect I was. Of course I was imperfect, so is everyone. I don’t recall that the covenant of marriage required me to be perfect to have a happy sex life. And a number of her friends told her over and over what an attentive father I was and why couldn’t their husbands be that way? For some reason that was never enough.
So I would appreciate your specific comment that I would hope she would read. She does get The Generous Wife emails but they are rarely as hard hitting as The Generous Husbands. Maybe something from you can shake her out of her torpor before I go completely nuts.

I agree completely! I have lived in a state of sexual starvation for all of my marriage. Even worse, it started on our honeymoon. 10 days in Hawaii and sex only once. After that, 10 times a year at most. Married for 7 years and no children because of the lack of sex. After a two month dryspell, I start getting edgy, moody, and withdrawn. Then she finally gets the hint that I’m not happy and makes an effort for a weekend but then it’s back to nothing for another month. I don’t know what else to do. December is almost over and we have not been intimate once this month. I’m at the end of my rope and am starting to not care about other things: job, health, etc. Losing sight of a reason to go on.

So what if you suspect your husband is gay? How does a wife even broach such a subject? And then what? I love my husband dearly, but we only have sex maybe 30 times a year. Been this way for 18 years, despite counseling, pleading and requesting, asking and begging. I’m ready to add another partner!

Now that I’m a guy passing through midlife and entering later stages of life that it just gets to be too much.

And what if you really don’t enjoy it or like it? What if the equipment starts not working and all the effort is frustrating?

As an older man who is reading through all of these posts, I do feel I have a valid point of view. Some women are upset because they are “only” getting it 3 times/week or even “only” weekly? I’ve never been more than a once a week or twice a month man. Not even in. my 20’s. Now I’m in my 50’s and I’m down to every few months and that’s a lot of work.

Once a week is not being refused. You are at the national average. I feel that now you are not considering your spouses needs or wants. Marriage is a compromise.

This article spoke directly to me. My husband and I have not had sex in over 5 years (we have been married 15 years). And in that time, we have almost never discussed it. He uses all the techniques described above (refusing to talk, blaming, making a fuss) to avoid the conversation. I am a person who is paralyzed by any kind of anger, conflict or confrontation; even the of the minor variety. So I say nothing in order to avoid a potential conflict. I feel so stuck and unable to move ahead. We have two children and I really don’t want a divorce. I love my family. But at the same time, I don’t know if I can live another 5, 10, 15 years without physical affection of any kind. 🙁

He’s already told you what’s going on. He has ED. That seems to be a HUGE deal for a guy. A self-esteem thing. Especially when he is not still on the younger side. He isn’t old, but it’s not uncommon for guys to start experiencing occasional ED In their 40’s. Pressure from the wife would make it worse. I know my husband was seriously upset even reading about ED in Intended for Pleasure (we read it for pre-marital counseling).

I would approach this very, very, carefully, making very sure not to sound like I’m accusing or attacking or blaming in any way. I would start by approaching this from the medical perspective. ED can be a sign of serious cardio-vascular issues. I would try to get him to go to the doctor to check his circulatory system and other common causes before trying anything as drastic as this. Then diet/ exercise improvements to see if that resolves anything. Then maybe move on to the least drastic ones of these. I agree that this may be more serious. But it sounds like it could just as easily be pretty normal defensiveness because of hurt pride/ self-esteem to me. Not that is behaviour is good or right. Just that it may have much less sinister roots.

I have been married twice. My first marriage was very unhappy, but I am now grateful to be with a wonderful man who is loving and attentive but sometimes deals with ED.
For the guys who are struggling with wives who are uninterested in sex, I would like to cautiously suggest a few things. I say cautiously because I realize that it must be difficult to be in your situation, and I certainly do not want to suggest that you are in any way to blame for your wives’ lack of interest.
One possibility is that your wife is unhappy with your marriage on other levels, and this is causing her to resist intimacy. Most women find it quite difficult to be physically close to their husbands if they do not feel close to them emotionally. I have seen many cases where a wife has tried to talk to her husband about her need for emotional and even practical support for years, only to become frustrated and shut down. When she finally asks for a separation or divorce, the man is flabbergasted. Make sure that you have sat down with your wife and talked to her gently and sincerely about whether she is happy in your marriage and whether there is anything that you can do on your part to improve the relationship. Listen carefully and patiently, and if you hear that something is wrong, ask for specific examples of things that she would like to see change, then make a plan. Keep checking in periodically.
If you can check off this box, let’s look at option number two. It is possible that your wife does not enjoy sex. There are three major reasons that this could be the case. One is that she has been sexually assaulted at some time in the past. Yes, you need to ask if that is an issue. If it is, then ask her to seek counselling. This could be a slow, painful journey towards healing for her, but it will help you to be patient with her if you understand that this is the underlying problem.
Next, it is possible that sex is physically painful or uncomfortable for her. Again, you need to ask, because she may not have been forthcoming about this, whether out of embarrassment or a desire not to trouble you with her issues. If she is finding sex uncomfortable or painful, she needs to confide this to her doctor first so she can be checked for any medical problems.
If no medical issues exist, the other possibility is that she is not enjoying sex or finding it uncomfortable because she is not sufficiently physically prepared for intercourse. Women need a significantly greater amount of foreplay than men, and men are sometimes unaware of this, or of all the technicalities involved. Sheila has a lot of great information on this site and in her books, so please do not go to non-Christian sources to try to educate yourself on this subject.
On that subject, those of you who have had some exposure to pornography need to understand that porn affects the way that you relate to your wives, even if only on a subconscious level. I was once married to a man with a porn problem, so I am talking from personal experience when I say that a man who looks at porn is influenced towards a more negative view of women. Porn depersonalizes women. It is degrading, not only for the women who participate in producing the material, but also for the rest of us, because men simply don’t see us in the same way after looking at porn. I am convinced that my ex-husband was less affectionate, more demanding and less satisfied with our sex life after viewing porn. I am not telling you this to make you feel guilty. I am telling you this so that you can be aware to examine yourselves for subtle changes in attitude that you can then submit to God and allow him to change in you.
Because you cannot change your wives, I believe it is worthwhile to double check whether there are any of these areas that you need to make changes yourselves. Please do not read this as blaming or a lack of sympathy. I believe that physical intimacy is a blessing from God to married couples, and that it must be tremendously difficult for men in sexless marriages. God bless and help you in this difficult circumstance.

Two other things came to mind after I finished writing this reply.
If your wife is clinically depressed, it can significantly affect her libido. This is a medical problem that needs a medical solution. Again, encourage her to see a doctor for help. Most depressed people respond to medical treatment.
If your wife claims that she is too tired for sex, maybe she really is too tired for sex. Make sure that she is getting all the support that she needs to maintain the household, take care of the kids, and take care of herself. If you can do more to lighten her load, it could make a big difference. Never underestimate how sexy a man is who does dishes or spends time with his kids! Yes, really! If you are truly doing all that you can, look at the budget and see if there is any wiggle room for professional housekeeping help or babysitting. Maybe a family member would be willing to pitch in and watch the grandkids more often if you ask.
Problem solve this one together, and see if it doesn’t help in more ways than one.

I felt I needed to write you to thank you and to let you know that you changed, and quite possibly saved, our marriage. After an eight year absence of intimacy, I decided to begin praying about this and truly focusing on fixing our situation. On a rainy Saturday, two weeks ago, I stumbled upon your blog and read it from first post to last. I decided to act upon my decision that day, and wouldn’t you know God wanted to help! Mysteriously, within two hours that Saturday, our two boys were both invited to be somewhere, leaving our home empty for a good four hours. Needless to say I was scared to death, but that evening I blurted my plan out to my husband and encouraged him to listen and pray as well. It worked! We ended up being intimate that evening and woke up the next day ready to continue this new adventure. We had both become comfortable with our lack of intimacy and thankfully were both ready and willing to begin anew. I thank you for this blog, for some frank and honest conversations that you tackle and for helping many, many people with this situation.

I am a husband. My heart aches for these women in sexless marriages! My wife of 29 years has withheld intimacy of any kind for nearly six years. And from day one, she has ALWAYS stalled concerning this issue. Even on our wedding night, she refused, saying, let’s wait. She will not go to a doctor, counselor, read any help-related articles. The issue affected me to the point that I questioned my self-worth & manlyness in an attempted suicide. God hates murder…but he also hates divorce. I ABSOLUTELY hate my life. I can relate to the roommate comment. I still have intimate needs. If it were food she were withholding, I would have been dead long ago! EVERY “Christian” I have confided in basically just tell me they will pray for us. Prayer is vital, however, for some reason, God has chosen to remain silent for all these years. I fill like I am in a no win situation. Oh, at over 50 years of age, I am nearing the completion on my masters in counseling degree, w/ undergraduate in psychology with honors, and who’s who list (only mention this for you to understand that I do have some idea of the counseling process and theories).

Many times no sex in a relationship can be due to lack of intimacy. Sometimes renewing that level of intimacy is as simple as focusing on the aspects of the relationship that developed intimacy in the first place. Far to often we focus on the problem in order to find the solution, but we are only feeding the problem by reminding our partner of the thoughts and feelings that are barring an intimate response.
Learning how to leave the relationship killing mistakes behind and rekindle intimate thoughts and feelings within your partner is the key. Brad Browning is a relationship coach whose wisdom and insight has been nearly revelatory! Check out what he has to say! http://885a2vlir-278x9bp23jyvjd4d.hop.clickbank.net/

While I understand your blog is geared towards women, it seems to me you are pretty heavy handed in your advice towards wives with a husband who is a sexual refuser, while also being super nice and lenient to women who are refusers. I’m not sure its fair or maybe I’m just perceiving your advice wrong.

I get all the affection I can handle – often more! Honestly, if we are together he might as well be velcroed to my hip. He tells me he loves me, that I’m beautiful, etc a lot. Like, every five minutes. Almost too much – after a while it stops having any meaning. It’s just habit.

But no passion. No sex. No adult-like feelings. We have sex maybe every 5or 6 weeks, when his hormones drive him to want release. Once he’s achieved that goal, he is done. But he has said that if I want to “finish” myself after he’s done, that’s fine with him.

It’s like living with a roommate who has a crush on me. He’s very attentive and affectionate. But that’s all. And he doesn’t see that there is any problem, because it’s not a problem for him.

It’s been like this for the last half of our 21-year marriage. I don’t even know what to do. I hate living like this.

Sheila – for the first few years, it was great. Now, though, he tells me he isn’t 18 anymore. And that I make him feel like a failure as a man when I ask for sex.

And still, he is very affectionate and loving. To the point he will follow me to the bathroom, just to make sure I’m ok, or do I need anything. When he sits next to me in the sofa, he moves closer and closer until I have ask him to give me enough room to sit myself and to breathe.

I’m more of a cross between his mommy and his blankey, than I have ever been a wife.

Leigh, this really does sound like there is something really wrong psychologically. I wonder if he could agree to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist? That is simply not normal, and I think forcing the issue may put him in a position where he has to choose to grow, which is desperately what he needs. I can feel your pain. I’m so sorry.

Hai I’m 25 , and my husband is also of same age. Ours is arranged marriage. It’s been 10 months since our marriage. But till date we haven’t had any physical touch. He just says that he is tried due to work and sleeps early in night. But he take care of me so nicely.

The only thing is that sex is not there in our relationship. He gets angry if I call him to doctor for counselling.

I’m not in the typical scenario.
My husband had a year long affair that he says was about the high of it all, a way to cope with depression.
After I found out, I wanted to resume sexual activity as a way to “reclaim” that I was wanted.
I was rejected over and over but was told I was wanted.
I felt very lied to , like I was not in my marriage but had been abandoned.
So here is my difficulty.
I am stuck between wanting intimacy and not wanting to experience what they were doing together.
We are friends. He tries to create romance and we are loving. I am the issue. I cry every time I think that we don’t have any sacred ground sexually that hasn’t been shared.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this! That’s just so heartbreaking and terrible.

I think to get over something like this you likely really need to be seeing a counsellor together or talking things out with someone else. This is a HUGE thing to have happened in your marriage, and it’s really hard to rebuild. Sometimes we need a third party to guide us. I’m glad your husband wants to rebuild, but I understand how hard it is for you. I hope you can find someone helpful to talk to!

My first Christian marriage ended following his affair which he wouldn’t give up. “What’s in it for me?” Was his comment.
Now years down the line I have married a lovely man (2 years ago) who is my best friend. However sex is not on the agenda. I realised this early on as there was no sex on our wedding night and very little since. I can count on one hand the number of times. It hurts. I so want to give myself to him but he can’t or won’t? We pray together but still nothing.
He has been hurt years ago as he went through a marriage in another country only to find out that it was a set up. Lost everything and marriage declared illegal and therefore not binding.
We know this needs dealing with but he is unwilling to talk to anyone except me. ED issues last time we tried 2 months ago. I’m not sure how to help as I’m feeling so rejected all over again!
Could God be asking me to live with a sexless marriage? Is that a cop out?

Wow this sounds all too familiar like my situation I’ve been married for 6 years and I’ve only tried to have sex make love about four times since we’ve been married I too have tried to talk about the conversation but it goes nowhere I always get blamed for it I am frustrated I am hurt and I feel alone after digging and being nosey and doing my own investigation I have come to find out that my husband is bisexual possibly gay I can walk around butt naked in front of him in my bra and panty he will not touch or look at me and when I mentioned to him that he doesn’t find me attractive or he doesn’t look at me he said that’s a lie I do look at you a big part of me want to leave my marriage but I’m financially secure he’s a good provider I’m only 46 years old and my husband is 56 no no kids together I’m at the peak of my sex drive and every morning I get up wanting to have sex and I can’t help

We welcome your comments and want this to be a healthy discussion forum! Comments that contain profanity or attack another person will not be allowed. Comments that condone pornography or that are hateful towards people's faith will not be allowed. Comments above 400 words in length will be let through at the moderator's discretion. Lengthy comments may be shortened to the first 400 words or else deleted.

These policies are in place to help discussion remain safe and organized! We love your comments, and want this to stay a safe place for you!

Comment

Name *

Email *

Website

About Sheila

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.