I haven’t been a Christian for a majority of my life or even half of my life.It has only been about five years since I gave my life to Jesus.In those five years I have made a ton of progress but I have made some serious mistakes as well.It has been a crazy journey in finding who I am despite what others want me to be and understanding what my relationship with Jesus means to me on a personal level.Let me start at the beginning.I grew up incredibly independent and rebellious.I made my own way, did my own thing.I took care of myself.In my own self sufficient way I worked things out and didn’t see a need for Jesus.I learned early that I could count on me, that’s it.In fact, going to church wasn’t on my radar until I met my husband and moved to the small town where he grew up.Upon moving to this close knit community I realized I would have a difficult time finding my place.Complicating the adjustment for me was losing part of my independence. I was no longer me but rather I was known through my husband and his family. In an attempt to start to fit in I accepted an invitation to the local church.I was nervous before I even entered the building.I didn’t know what I was supposed to wear or how I was supposed to act.After opening the double doors I was greeted by a man handing out programs.Butterflies started to overwhelm my stomach as I worked my way to a seat. I received a combination of strange looks and awkward smiles.The church was small and contained several rows of pews. Curtains framed the front of the church and above the wall above the small stage area read “It is not about us, it is all about God.”It was strange at first and I totally felt like an outsider but I loved the message. I loved going to hear about the bible and about the ways Jesus lived, loved, and died for me. After weeks of attendance, a few seasoned church members reached out to me.They said they wanted to help me understand what it was like to be a Christian and suggested we start a bible study with just me and them.I learned a lot during our time together but the biggest part of my new religion I gained was my “to- do list.” My life now required me to have daily study time with Jesus, learn/memorize scriptures, and attend church very regularly.One evening I attended a session where they ended by telling me that living with my boyfriend, my now husband, was sinful and that Jesus doesn't like for people to live together if they aren't married. They told me that I had to move out of my house and they said I could live with them until we got married. We weren't even engaged yet and I didn’t know what to do! I didn't feel comfortable living with people I barely knew.I was so new to religion and I didn’t know that living with someone before marriage was viewed as bad by the church.I got the message that God was angry with me.I went home in tears and told my boyfriend, at the time, what happened. He was as devastated as I was. We both felt like we were unworthy of God and that we were majorly disappointing him. He decided he would move out and live with his parents until we figured out what to do. I was so hurt; I felt unloved by God and judged by the church. I continued to go to the church where we were learning about being baptized and I desired to show the world that I was now a believer in Jesus. I wanted to participate in this event to proclaim my love for Jesus! When I expressed a desire to be part of the next baptism the church told me I needed to resolve the issue with my boyfriend and living together before I moved forward with a baptism. I was told that my life needed to reflect Godly change before I could go through with a baptism.The pastor came back a few days later and said he changed his mind and he would baptize me since my boyfriend and I weren't living together.I decided against it. I didn't want to go through being baptized until I was good enough for God. I waited until after we were married as not to be judged by the masses.Again, I felt not good enough to be part of God's family or the church. In the meantime, my boyfriend decided to "make things right" and propose. I was so excited but looking back I can't help but feel a little like it was a push from the church. I know that he wanted to marry me and to spend his life with me (and still does) but our engagement and marriage was rushed. We were engaged and married all within three months!

I am not blaming the church or trying to be negative but these events whether right or wrong set the tone for my walk with Jesus. My religion was very important to me. I attended conferences, bible study, Sunday school and church. I woke up an hour early everyday so I could spend time reading my bible. The more I did the less I felt worthy of God. I constantly saw my imperfections and shortcomings. I was terrified the church would find out how "bad" of a job I was doing. It scared me to divulge anything about my past because I never wanted them to find out how "terrible" I had been. Instead, I became judgmental toward other people to make myself feel better. I hid behind my religion. After a few years I was tired, discontent, and frustrated.I blamed a lot of things including my job.So, I decided to go back to school.God lead me to a Christian University that made me take biblical classes as part of the curriculum.I learned that Jesus doesn’t want a religion from me but wants a relationship!My spiritual life came alive.My obligations from my “to do list” disappeared and a genuine desire to find Jesus sprung from within me. Even the classes that were not specifically biblically based showed me how to take what I was learning and see it from God's perspective. It seems like before I was reading different scripture through a lens of oppression and judgment.I was now able to see God’s grace and forgiveness.Not only that but I was able to make the decision to take off my black judge robe, turn in my gavel, and resign from my bench. I was so occupied with Jesus that judging other people wasn't really something I thought about much.Not long ago I graduated from school and the pastor from our church (and youth pastor) stepped down from leadership due to disagreements about the direction of the church. I feel somewhat lost. Right now I am technically still part of the church but I struggle going. I feel judged and hurt when I attend.Don’t get me wrong the church is full of wonderful people and many have a great heart for the Lord.It’s just, I am not sure how to work past this or if I need to find a different church. Changing my place of worship is a big decision but I know that avoiding my Sunday morning appointment to worship God isn't really working either. I desire to be in a place where I can express my love for God but I am torn. Not to mention, I am severely limited in my choices. Right now, to fulfill my need for Jesus each week (each day, moment really) I listen to pod casts and do bible studies like those from Proverbs 31 ministries. I can't help but miss the Sunday morning music and message.

I have to admit Father's day isn't my favorite holiday and actually I kind of dread it. As I went to make my usual Father's day reservation... pity party table for one... I stopped and "marinated" on an idea that I got from the Limitless study I am doing with my friends from proverbs 31 ministries. (By the way it has been a great study and I totally recommend the book!) Haven't we all heard someone say, "It takes a real man to be a dad but anyone can be a father?" I used to get so irritated when I would hear someone say that and I wasn't sure why. I would find myself just rolling my eyes and dismissing their comment, "whatever." I am starting to understand why I used to get so irritated at this saying. I guess I never really understood what it was like to have a dad. My parents split before I was 6 years old and I am still a little foggy about what happened before my mother left him. I do remember being terrified of him, cops showing up at our house because of screams from my mother, and I remember beer cans being around the house. So, my earliest memories shaped my view of men in a very negative way. I saw men, all men, as someone who was going to hurt me, get what they wanted from me, leave me, and reject me. I didn't think any man could ever be "good" to a woman and I absolutely didn't think men had feelings like love, compassion, and kindness. For years I was resentful of my father. Why didn't my father take care of me? Why didn't he want me? What is wrong with me? Why is alcohol so much more important than me to my father? If he really loved me he would quit drinking and start playing an active role in my life. I so badly wanted my father in my life. There were several times I tried to have a relationship with him but the results were always the same. I would end up disappointed, rejected, and hurt. Several years back I was done, tired of trying. Then he got sick. Since he spent so many years drinking his life away, literally, a disease we didn't know he had started to present itself and was made worst by his drinking habits. I tried this relationship thing again and was by his side while he went through detox induced DT's (delirium tremens) in ICU. If you haven't seen someone detox, and I hope you haven't, it is terrible. They kick, hit, spit, see/hear things that aren't there, and say the worst things you could imagine. After the detox passed I sat by his side watching him recover. I cherish this time now and always. I really got to know my father. I watched bull riding with him, saw him interacting so pleasantly with the nurses, listened to him share stories, and got to understand that he was such a great farmer/rancher. He was such a great person under all of the alcohol induced negative behaviors. I never knew him like that before. I was so excited. After several weeks it was time for him to go home. We got him all settled and through the help of my wonderful grandparents my father was able to return to his newly fixed up house. He had several changes waiting for him that would make living at home possible like meals on wheels and new grab bars for standing up. Things seemed to be going so well. Finally! A few weeks after returning home I called to talk to him. I knew as soon as he answered the phone something wasn't right. He was hammered... I don't mean just drunk but crying, screaming belligerently intoxicated. I was devastated..... How could this happen? But God, I prayed for him, he was doing so well. He's surely going to die now. Sad to say we went through the detox process a few more times and each time I met it with a sense of optimism, this would be the time he would stay sober. Wrong. So terribly wrong. The last time I saw my father he threw me out of his house so he could see some of his friends who are known around town as drug users. Today my father is still sitting in his house, weak, sick, probably drinking and doing who knows what kind of drugs.For years I was so mad at my father. Why was I the one taking care of him when he never choose to do the same for me? I could have just left him when he needed me but I didn't. What was God thinking? Why did God do this to me? Why would God let him start drinking again? Out of all of the fathers why did I have to get this one? These were all of the questions I would ask myself when I would sit down to my own little pity parties. These are justifiable questions but the answers don't really matter. In the end the author of the book Limitless is right when he says in chapter four "If we wallow in self-pity, we will become more pitiful and limit our lives. If we stay in Jesus and meditate on what He's accomplished on our behalf we magnify His great work, and as we do this, we worship HIm. The result is that daily we are transformed into His image, releasing His limitless life through us." My father's situation isn't about me. As much as this process has hurt me and impacted me, it isn't about me. It is about God. It is about his plans for me and the greatness I can accomplish, through Jesus, by having experienced this. I don't have to have the perfect Earthly father to have the most amazing heavenly daddy, Abba! I know what it is like to have an Earthly father that leave, hurts, and destroys which has been able to show me how opposite God is. God is nothing like that! He loves, never leaves, and comforts me always. Through Jesus I have been able to forgive my Earthly father and I can say that I love my father despite everything that I've been through with him. Although I don't have a close relationship with him I am now thankful for him and his role in my life. He has helped to make me tough as nails not hardened to the world. I have many of his qualities that make me who I am including a genuine concern for people, ability to talk to anyone about anything, and his eyes. We have beautiful eyes. Also, I am most thankful for my father because he gave me the family I have. I have the best aunts and uncles who have stepped in and stepped up to care for me in place of my father. My uncle demonstrated what a loving husband/father is and when I found that type of man my uncle was there to walk me down the isle. My uncle encourages me, loves me, calls me just to check in, and has treated me just like one of his own children which is a great honor because he has wonderful children. My aunts have done the very same thing! They've treated me with love and kindness that is without limits. I love all of them so dearly and I would never be able to tell you how much I appreciate them. I would never have had them without my father. So, instead of being resentful I have become thankful and magnified the good in the situation. It hasn't been quick and it hasn't been easy. There are times when I fall back into the pity party mode but being thankful and seeing God's hands in the situation is so much better. Thank you friends for reading this long post.