The 10 Commandments, Updated For Modern Times

9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor, unless your attorney instructs you to do so.

8. Do not steal from investors.

7. Do not commit adultery until you’ve attained high political office.

6. Do not murder anyone, except for Palestinians.

5. Honor your father and mother by not changing your last name.

4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy–go to brunch, then yoga, then brunch again.

3. Do not swear falsely by the name of the Lord, because we just say “fuck” now.

2. Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above, unless you can sell it for a profit.

1. I am the Lord your God, I being your Xanax.

Aaron Glaser lives in New York City. He has been writing and performing comedy at The Uprights Citizens Brigade Theatre since he was 19. His work has been featured on The Huffington Post, FunnyOrDie, CollegeHumor, The Wall Street Journal’s Speakeasy, and Comedy Central’s atom.com. As a stand-up he has performed all over New York and Los Angeles, and currently hosts “Get Loose” at The Gutter in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on the first Wednesday of the month. Follow him on Twitter @aaron_glaser

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2 Responses

Aaron, yingaleh. Don’t be such a shmock. Don’t strain yourself that much just to make the goyim to like you. You might pop a vain or something and besides, it ain’t working. Go home, get a glass of vodka with half sour pickle and the whole world will look better.