So, she says, "No, Brian, it's I before E, EXCEPT after C, AND when sounding like A, as in neighbor, and weigh, and on weekends, and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"

MOOSEN! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much, moosen. Out in the woods—in the woodes—in the woodsen. The meese want the food. Food is to eatenesen! THE MEESE WANT THE FOOD IN THE WOODENESEN! AND THE FOOD IN THE WOODYENESEN!

"BRIAN! Brian... You're an imbecile."

Imbecilon!

"What are you speaking, German, Brian?"

"German, Jermaine! Jermaine, Jackson! Jackson Five! Tito!

"Brian, what the hell are you talking about!?"

I don't know. I don't know, really.

I think the worst day was the day the science project was due...

Waking up that morning, that was fun, huh?

Your head would pop off your pillow.... Oh no!

It's due today!

I had nine months to work on it... and, I did nothing.

I got a cardboard box.

A boxen.

And you'd show up, you're scared, 'cause ya don't have anything good, and you found out, all the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated that, ya know!

They're backing 'em in on flatbed trucks...

One kid with a volcano, he didn't know how to zip up his own pants, but, he built a volcano!

How'dya swing that?

I didn't know what to do for my project, so I brought in a paper cup, filled with dirt, just, hoping she'd know I'm an idiot, just walk right past me.

Just as long as I was holding something... *hehhye*

"What do you have there, Brian?"

Uhhuhuh... It's a cup of dirt. Just put an F on it there, and let me go home.

"Well, explain it."

Well, IT'S A CUP, WITH DIRT IN IT! I CALL IT CUP O’ DIRT!!!

You should move on now, you should go ahead, and move on.

Head on down the line there.

So, she goes to this one kid, there was this kid who made the same solar system, like, 19 years in a row, y'know... bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with coat hangers?

Hey, you're breaking some new ground there, Copernicus!

He's goin', "THE BIG YELLOW ONE'S THE SUN! THE YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN!"

"Okay... what are these other planets?"

”THE YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN! THE SUN!!!

"Alright, calm down!"

"WHA...? ALRIGHT!"

Sometimes you'll say the right thing at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like you too! I was getting off a cab at the airport and the driver goes, hey, have a nice flight! You too! You too, you have a nice flight, too. In case you ever fly someday. Don't anybody look at me I'm a moron. Don't know when to say the you too phrase. I can't handle it. I never learn. Like a waitress could bring me my food and say, hey, enjoy your meal. You too! You don't have one do ya'? I'm a DOOFUS! If you do, you enjoy it when you eat it. If you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity. That's all I'm trying to say, that's all I'm driving at! Really, if you think about it, that's all! You ever decide to say something and then in the middle of it, you decide to say something else? My friends were leavin' the other day, and I decided to say, hey, take care, but then I decided to say good luck instead like halfway through. So it came out neither. See ya' later, Brian! Take... luck! Take luck and care. Take... care of the luck! Good luck taking care of the, the luck that you might have, if you have luck, take it, and care for it. Take luck care of it-it! When you take luck for it! YAAAYAYAAAA!!! YAYAYAYAAAA!!! You're sure to see them again. I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. I don't stop to think i'm just like oh-no words are coming out oh-no. Think about what I said.

I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that BABY due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that BABY due? BABY!" "What baby?" "Uhhh...at the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it if you want. Talk about the fluffy zoo animals." That they... I hear they got them over there I guess we could talk about or go pet them if you want. Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "MA'AM" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"

Why would a dog bark at three O'clock in the morning in your neighborhood? I'm not talkin' about when there's two dogs doin' you know, whatever they do. Sometime's you got two goin' at it, you know. "Hey, do you remember when we were chasin' that cat?" "Yeah." "Hehe, you got him mixed up with a stick." "Yeah. Yeah, I was thinkin' about that." "That was fun" "Yeah." I'm not talkin' about that. That's not what I was talkin' about at all. I'm talkin' about when there's one dog you know doin' a monologue like at three O'clock in the morning. What are they doin'? I think they just go on the porch at that hour and just go, "Hey, it's nice and quiet. Why don't I bark it up for no reason whatsoever?" (Barking noise) And right when you think he's done...(More barking noises) "What the hell's the matter with ya'?" "I'm a dog. Barkin'." How do you argue with him? Wouldn't it be weird if people were like that for no reason? Like if some guy went on his porch at three O'clock in the morning. Nobody knows him, new to the neighborhood. "HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!" "Hey, you alright, man?" "HEY, HEY, HEY!!!"

"We used to love peanut butter… still do. I saw something in the store the other day that I don’t understand, that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean I’m lazy, but... I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I’m not gonna open TWO jars! I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cleaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?" If you’re that lazy, why not put croutons in there and get the whole sandwich on a spoon. You know, just scoopin’ it out... "Mmm...Oh, scrumptious! I think I’m gonna have another one. Uh, mmmmm... DELECTABLE! As was the first!" Or if you don’t wanna clean the spoon, you put it all in a squeeze bottle. "Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT!"

You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: 'Road Closed'? What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah, I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?

People spell their name however they want, it has nothing to do with phonics or nothing. I'm not sure what phonics is, but I saw the girl that was hooked on it. She's got a problem with it apparently. Have you seen that commercial? "Hooked on Phonics worked for me" She's adorable, ya' know. I was thinking, wouldn't that be weird if she was applying what she learned and she couldn't get the commercial straight, ya' know?

Anyway, I met this woman, her name was ah, Amy, you know, so I go "Oh, A-M-Y?" She goes "No, A-Y-M-I-E". "Ughhh... I have to take a nap! I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7, the letter Q, --'Brennemenahgah!!!' Look at my name tag, it's, it's big.

I can't remember names... And I always try to do the nickname thing, to get out of it. Everybody knows what you're trying to pull, you know? *

"Heeeeey... buckaroo." *

"My name's not buckaroo." *

"Sure, sure it is... partner" *

Some people get really upset if you say their name wrong, especially if they have a name that's similar to another name. Carolyn and Caroline. They got a thing about that, man. Don't get that wrong, 'cause they're gonna drill you.

"Hi, Caro... lyn." *

"It's Caroline. It's Caroline, Brian..."*

"It's BRIOOOOHHHN. Yes, my name is BRIOOOOOOGGHHN!!! It's very hard to say my name correctly, 'cuz my name is BRANNAAGHAMMANGAAH!!! Can you say that? Very few can. Correctly."

My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.

Coach: "Are you any good?"

Young Brian:"I dunno, my mom sent me..."

"Well, go to right field."

"Oh, okay."

"Turn around, you moron!"

"Oh, okay" (Turns around all the way)

"Not the whole way!"

"Oh, just some, some way?"

I never knew what was going on out in right field, I just knew I would get a free snow cone at the end of the game. I'd be out there, awww, free snow cone.

"Brian, what's the score?"

"Free Snowcone! Free snow cone at the end of the game, if you play they're gonna give you a free snowcone, even if you play half game you get a... you don't get a half snow cone...you get a whole snow cone for half the game... people that play whole game get a whole snow cone and the people that play half game get a whole snow cone. So it's always whole, whole snow cone. So, I'd rather play half game. I'd rather play half. Still get the whole snow cone..."

How many outs Brian?

"GRAPE! I'm gonna get grape, or cherry. They're both... favorites, so either one is good, but if they have both, I'll get grape, because grape is a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape it's like alright its fine, cause cherry's favorite anyway. It's like another favorite, but not as much. Not as much favorite. But they're both good. They're both good." The second baseman was always tryin' to help me out.

Hey, Brian move that way a little."*Okay." I don't know what gave him the authority to tell me that.

Oh, here? Oh, right here? Oh, over there, okay. This is where I was!" I remember he'd always tell me. Two away, Brian! Two away!

Uhhh..okay. "Brian! Two away!"

You too!"

I was a pretty stupid kid... I used to get talked into making prank calls, you know? My older brother and some friends were just standing around me: "Okay, Brian, make some prank calls. Make some prank calls." And I'd get all nervous, and mess 'em up. "Uhhm, do you have frog legs? No, no, do you serve 'em!?! No, do you have 'em? You're stupid!" "Brian, relax, man, you got to relax when ya make da prank calls. Do another one! Concentrate." "Is your refrigerator running? It's not!?!? Ohhohohh...(whispers) It's not..! It's not..! Oh, no, it's not...! Okay, you have a good day, now; you... take luck..." "Brian, do this one, read it, so you don't mess it up!" "Do you have Prince Albert in the can? You do? Well, then you better take him out, because he is Uhh... suff-oh-cot-ting. He wants to know what that is-" "Hang up!! You're stupid!! You stupid person!!!"

I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops.

Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

I had some Pop-Tarts this morning... Yeah, my doctor told me to eat more fruit, so, what better source than a thin layer in a strawberry frosted Pop-Tart... Melt the butter on top. I'm lookin' at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have two full sets of directions, they have toaster directions, which, I'm not makin' this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step, I don't know how... that's possible, that the directions are longer than one - you think it would be step one: "Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast 'em. It's okay. Hey, are you still readin' this?" But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. *These are the actual toaster steps, I wanna be in the room watching somebody who has to consult these steps: "Okay, number one, remove pastry from pouch." Ohh. Okay, yeah. I see where they're goin' with this. We are bangin' on all cylinders now. "Okay, number two, insert pastry -" Oh okay... "vertically" Ahh ohh. "into toaster." Ahhaha. I gotta get a toaster! That's like two of like 17 toaster steps. And then they have microwave directions, you can microwave a Pop-Tart that just blew me away, that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart? A minute-and-a-half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might wanna loosen up your schedule. And I swear, it says, "Microwave on high for 3 seconds" That's all. I don't think I wanna wake up and be eatin' in 3 seconds, you know the alarm goes off. "AAAAA" Now! *shoves Pop-Tart in mouth* Oh, it's late! I gotta get out of here!! If your wakin', eatin', and haulin' in 3 seconds, you`re bookin yourself too tight.

I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."

I looked at the serving size: two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. Two sleeves is a serving size. I open em' both and eat em' like a tree chipper. "DADADADADADADA! Fig newton shavings comin' off the side. DADADADADADADA!!!" What the hell they talkin' about, two cookies? "Hey, you want another one?" "I don't know. I already had two. Maybe I can muscle down one more. MMMM!!! I AM STUFFED TO THE RAFTERS!!!" "We got an ER here! We have a three fig newton eater." "How many did he have?! What is he, NUTS?! Doesn't he read!" The serving size for ice cream is a half a cup. That sounds like someone put it there for a joke or something. "Hey, come here. Look what I put for the serving size. I just put it there for a joke but they're going out that way. What should I do? Just let it slide?" It's like: "Hey, man. You wanna grab a bite to eat?" "Oh! I had a half a cup of ice cream. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must have had two spoonfuls!"

We just moved. I called UPS to ask 'em to help out with some boxes. They're a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them, I had no idea. I called 'em up,

Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come pick 'em up?

We need to know the weight and the girth"

Ok, goodbye!

So I called back,

We need the weight and the girth"

Ok, I don't know what the weight is and, ummm, I dont know what girth means. So now what's the procedure?

So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old.

Well, do you have a bathroom scale?

Uhhh, yeah. But if I put the boxes on the scale it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS!

What, do I take 'em off really quick? "Argggh! Zero! I'm not fast enough!" What's he talkin' about? So then he gives me, like, his Mr. Wizard formula:

"How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself. Get off the scale. Pick up the box. Get back on. Weigh you and the box together and subtract your own weight."

I'm going, "Slow down! Hold on, professor!" I know this guy's never tried this, cause I tried it, and you still can't see the NUMBERS! What am I, Mr Olympia? 3 pounds!

Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept assuring me that it was easy.

You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and then you double that by the smaller of the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side-

Okay, I gotta go. I'm getting another call. Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just, uh, wanna not be on with you any longer.

So this is true. I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers. Let 'em come out and pick 'em up. If its wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please!

So I called back,

Yeah, uhmm, I have 10 boxes and- ...N- no, I'm another guy. Yeah, and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds and they all have a girth of... 3.

3 what?"

3... girth units! Come pick 'em up, please! I'm begging you! They're boxes and they're brown and they have tape all on 'em. And they'll probably fit on a dolly! Why must you torture me?

I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me-- MEeee-- MEEee- MEEEEE-- MEEEEEEEEEEE! MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Beware the Me Monster. So I tried to jump in with a little story, I don't just want to sit there the whole night. Right when I'm done with my story this guy goes, "That ain't nothing". Oh, well, didn't mean to waste everybody's time, telling my nothing story. Here, let Marco Polo speak, he's back with tales of adventure.

That story ain't nothing. Maybe it wasn't, because I made the mistake of trying to tell a story about having only 2 wisdom teeth pulled and I learned a lesson, don't ever try to tell a 2 wisdom tooth story, because you ain't going nowhere. The 4 wisdom tooth people are gonna parachute in and cut you off at the pass. "Halt, halt with your 2 wisdom tooth tale!" You will never complete one, trust me. I'm trying to tell my story, "You know I had some wisdom teeth pulled, I had -um-, I had 2--I had 4 pulled! Oh okay. No 5, no 9, I had 9 wisdom teeth pulled, all of mine were impacted, they were all coming in upside down, the roots were wrapped around my tongue, coming out my nose, they were tusks, I was a warthog! No anesthesia, they pulled them out with pliers, I was eating corn on the cob that afternoon!" Pin the blue ribbon upon his chest! That knocks the socks off of my wisdom tooth tale.

I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know" "I thought you went golfing with Gary today" "I did" "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't know if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver." "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it WOULD come up?" "The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?"

You know what the lamest crime is? Loitering. Loitering? Can you imagine a guy with a thirty-page rap sheet, that's all it says on there? "Loitering, loitering, loitering, loitering, loitering, loitering, loitering, loitering, 'this guy's got nowhere to go!' loitering, loitering, loitering!" What do you do with a guy like that? Throw him in jail where he can't go anywhere? Loitering! Is something really a crime when it's remedied as easily as "All right, move along." And on the other end of the spectrum, I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. Damn! Could you please change the terminology? Could anything conjure up anything more hideous? "So, what are you in for?" "MAAANNNSSLLAAUUGHTTEERRR! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth! So, eh, what are you in for?" "LOITERING! I'm like you, man! I live on the edge! They were all like, 'you gotta move along!' and I'm like, 'I don't think so!'"

Sorry about your Uncle Fred, but hey, sometimes you end up dead. Did somebody bonk him in the head? Did somebody pump him full of lead? What the...? Are they trying to be humorous? Betcha glad it wasn't you instead. AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!