Why I Am Not in Charge 2

2004-12-05

Category:prose

Earlier I wrote a piece called "Why I'm not in Charge". Though that probably summed up the attitude rather nicely, it didn't really cover the range of possibilities. That's why I've prepared this follow up.
The year is 2014. An alien invasion fleet surrounds the planet. I'm in the Oval Office, chatting with the Alien Warlord. The conversation goes as follows:

AW: We have your puny planet surrounded. You must surrender to our awesome might.

LB: Yes, yes, we know the drill. It's just like last time. We'll surrender.

AW: Yes you will? uh, last time? What last time? We never invaded you before.

LB: Yea, it was probably some other invading space army. Just forget I said anything. We surrender.

AW: Where are they now?

LB: Well, I've got people lining up in all major cities. I imagine you'll want them for slave labor. We make really good slaves. We're hard workers and we follow orders blindly.

AW: Not them, the other invaders. Where are they?

LB: Oh them? They're not here anymore. I think they went to invade elsewhere or something. Forget about them. How soon can we get your guys in charge and start sending our resources to your home world? Where is that home world, anyway? You think you could point it out on a star chart?

AW: Why do you want to know where the home world is?

LB: Just want to know enough about our new masters so we can pay proper homage. There'll be songs and poems written. It'll be early great. You'll like it. Now, about those slaves, when can you start putting us to work on your ships?

AW: Our ships? Who said anything about our ships?

LB: Hey, I'm just trying to be a good slave. The sooner us puny humans can get to work for you the sooner you can relax and enjoy your victory. I'll get some people to set up a feast. Is there anything you're allergic to?

AW: Allergic? What? You're trying to poison me.

LB: Oh no, I would never do that. You're the guy in charge. We need a good leader like you. We'll be serving you all the time. You won't be able to turn around without one of us being right there to help you. There're billions of us and more being made all the time. We can see to your every need.

AW: Why are you moving so close to me?

LB: Just trying to be an attentive slave. Soon as we get you settled here there will be plenty of us right up close like I am now.

AW: [Backing up] Get away from me. Is this how you served the other invaders?

LB: We served them well, with potatoes.

AW: What?

LB: Nothing. Anyway, let's get you set up in your new throne room here and I'll call in a few more slaves to help you get comfortable.

AW: No, get away from me. What are you?

LB: I'm just trying to get you to get comfortable in your final home.

AW: Final home?

LB: Why would you ever want to leave? Let me get some more slaves in here. It'll be cozy.

AW: Forget this, I'm invading elsewhere.

LB: Please, at least take a few slaves. I've got some standing by at Fort Hood. You'll like them. They're physically fit and they follow orders really well. They're ready for you now. Just fly one of you ships down and pick them up. They have all their own tools.

At this point the Alien Warlord runs out of the White House and leaves, muttering something about a shower and how "they're every where".