#2. Statutory Rape Defense Attorneys

Trial Attorney Richard Allaye Chan doesn't rely on pictures to hawk his services, much to my disappointment. Instead, he opted for a single stock photo of some pillars which are decidedly less engaging than a shot of a malicious and accusing child.

See? See how much better that is, Dick?

To be fair, he has a bigger job to do than advertise his firm: He has to explain to his clients what their conviction means. Statutory is a big word, and Richard Allaye Chan burns 223 words defining it. In fact, his homepage reads more like a Wikipedia post than a proposition for representation.

The Highlight:

"The situation may be a mere case of mistaken identity or the conniving scheme of an underage person to destroy your reputation."

It's a trap!

Statutory rape accusations are the result of one of these two things--they are literally the only options presented on the site. It's startling that anyone ends up in prison for statutory rape in the first place. Lady Justice is indeed blind if she would trust one of these stereotypically "conniving" little beasts enough to convict, or possibly just jealous that the young girls are getting all my attention.

#1. Domestic Violence Attorneys

Pawuk & Pawuk, P.A., have chosen one of the most questionable photographs possible for a website aimed at people accused of domestic abuse. Assuming the image is supposed to be related to the theme of the site, the message seems to be that sometimes women need to shut their goddamn mouths. It's unclear whether it is her husband's hand over her mouth or the lawyer's hand but the point is, she was talking and someone remedied that situation. The only alternative is that she committed the domestic violence with her extraordinary man hands and is shocked at her own actions, in which case I applaud Pawuk & Pawuk on their willingness to recognize that abuse isn't a one-way gender street.

The Highlight:

"Domestic violence seems to be the arrest of choice for law enforcement these days."

I am a sucker for unsubstantiated declarations. I certainly hope this is true. I like to imagine police officers scrambling to be the first to answer a domestic disturbance call because it's their favorite type of arrest. It would explain the somber eyes all police officers share during traffic stops; there is little chance of a domestic violence arrest without a domicile.

Of all the websites I have chanced upon, this is by far my favorite. A little research reveals that Pawuk & Pawuk are not father and son, or even brothers. They are husband and wife. A husband and wife law team defending domestic abusers. I can't think of anything more perfect and I want to know them, desperately. I want to know if they discuss strategy during sex. I want to know if they discuss sex during those whispering moments between lawyers. I want to know if he has scars and she has man hands. So far, they have not returned any of my calls.