You, the ruminant-like American consumer, "chewing your cud" (Cheetos) on your voluminous reclining chair as you passively absorb advertising messages for processed food conglomerates: which fast food ad do you relate to the most? The fake healthy place. Huh.

It's right here in this new study inAd Age: out of all the ads on the teevee for all the plastic restaurants that will sell you various forms of ground meat and American cheez on mayonnaisse-smeared white bread, you people love Subway's ads best. Why? The guy Jared, I guess? Subway "rated highly on the relatability attribute, thanks to everyman Jared Fogle, Subway's mascot of 15 years."

But why? Who the fuck can tell what the preservative-addled brain of the American consumer, if we're being honest? What is about Jared, some guy in a Subway sandwich ad, that makes America love him so much? Why do Americans not love a burger-selling clown, or a burger-selling "King" character, or a burger-selling girl with red pigtails, or a chicken-selling Kentucky colonel, or a "red lobster" which is presumably encouraging you to ensure its own death by eating at a seafood restaurant as much as they love Jared, some guy with glasses who eats plenty of submarine-style sandwiches?

No fucking idea, but there you have it. Perhaps it is the secret dream of all of us to achieve wealth and fame by eating endless fast food sandwiches, while losing weight at the same time. In this sense, the guy Jared typifies the American consumer's love affair with dreams that will never come true.

The Subway chain of sandwich restaurants? I love their advertisements. And u?