Winners And Losers From The 2019 Super Bowl Commercials

The 2019 Super Bowl is in the books and it was… not great. It was bad. The game was slow and boring, the halftime show was uninspired, the ratings were terrible, and my beloved Philadelphia Eagles did not win. Just disappointing all around.

The commercials were actually my favorite part, which is startling now that I sit here and think about it. Not all of the commercials, though. There were a few groaners in there, of course. There always are. But there were also dogs and dragons and childish jokes about nuts and I am not embarrassed to say I am here for all of those things. Put them all in one commercial next year. And Jeff Bridges rambling into a microphone. Give the people what they want. Me, at least. Give me what I want. Thank you. Go Birds.

Below, please find the winners and losers from this year’s set of Super Bowl commercials.

A great year for dogs. There was the Budweiser one with the good dog’s ears flapping in the wind, and the Pet Comfort feeding system one with the good dog running through the factory, and the Amazon one where Harrison Ford’s good dog ordered an absolute mountain of dog food using Alexa. I support this. Most commercials should have dogs. Don’t make it hard on yourself, people.

The last two commercials I mentioned kind of served as complimentary parts. The feeding system thing gives dogs a way to control their food once it’s in the house. Harrison Ford’s dog knows how to use technology to get the food delivered. If he gets his dog the first thing and stops being so cranky about the second thing (chill out, Harrison, geez, he’s just hungry), that good boy is basically independent. Look at him go.

There were too many robots this year. There were way too many robots this year. Most of them were sad, too. The fake Alexa in the Pringles commercial was depressed, the robot in the Michelob Ultra commercial was sad because it couldn’t drink beer, and the creepy child robot in the TurboTax commercial was sad because… it couldn’t work at TurboTax? I don’t know. I could do without creepy sad child robots in my sporting events, man.

Those weren’t the only robots, either. The whole night was slammed with them. It gave the proceedings a weird vibe, like we need constant reminders that robots will eventually replace us all and enslave us and make us serve them in a grotesque human carnival freak show. Or something. And apparently the only thing stopping them is crippling depression. If there had been a Zoloft commercial with a robot in it, we’d all be dead already.