This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

There are 18 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

In a perfect world, dads would be the people we looked up to for guidance, who loved us unconditionally, and who always tried to make us smile. Sadly, real life doesn’t turn out that way. Your dad may be emotionally distant, an addict, or even abusive. To deal with a terrible dad, find ways to minimize the influence he has on you, care for yourself to recover emotionally, and get help if he’s abusive.

Steps

Method1

Minimizing His Influence

1

See that he’s the problem, not you. Are you blaming yourself for your dad’s angry outbursts, excessive drinking, neglect, or emotional instability? Many kids think their parents behave badly because of something they did wrong. If this sounds like you, stop blaming yourself. No matter what your dad or anyone else says, you’re not responsible for his behavior. Your father is an adult, so he's responsible for himself.

If you’re having trouble realizing that you’re not to blame, talk to another adult about what you’re feeling.

It may also help to remind yourself by reciting an affirmation like, “Dad is responsible for himself. I am not to blame for his behavior.”

Remember that your dad’s behavior does not have anything to do with you. His behavior may be the result of how he was raised, his own trauma, a mental illness, or other factors.

2

Avoid picking up his bad habits. Living in the household with a dad who has negative habits may make you worry about picking them up. It's true that there's a chance that kids can develop habits--how to handle relationships, conflict and substance abuse from their parents--but it's not a certainty.

3

Take positive action in your life. That way, you'll be able to sidestep his influence and avoid developing these behavioral patterns later.

To minimize your chances of substance abuse, participate in extracurriculars at school. Involvement in such activities lowers your risk.[1]

Try to identify the unhealthy behaviors you don't want to pick up from your father. Then, look for another role model who demonstrates the types of behaviors you do want.

Similarly, if you are being neglected or abused, start working with a counselor to address these issues. Getting help can help you minimize your chances of demonstrating the same behavioral patterns with your own children.[2]

4

Find other male role models. You can soften the influence your terrible father has on you by seeking out positive relationships with male role models. Form relationships with male leaders in your school, work, or community. These influences may counter some of the negative effects of having a bad father.[3]

Participate in mentoring programs like Boys Club or Girls, Inc. You might also connect with positive male role models by reaching out to teachers, coaches, community leaders, or spiritual advisors.

You might reach out by saying something like, "Coach Greg, I really look up to you. My own dad is hardly ever around. Do you think you could mentor me?"

Consider your friends’ dads as well. If you have a friend who has a good dad, then you might ask your friend if it would be okay if you tag along for some of their activities.

5

Build a positive support group. You can further absorb the negative effects of a terrible father by surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. While relationships with others can’t necessarily replace your father, they can offer protection against stress. Lean on good friends and family members for social support.[4]

6

Keep your distance. If your terrible father is a part of your life, but you find his presence tends to make things worse, get some distance from him. Protect yourself from further psychological harm by reducing the amount of time you spend around him.[5]

If you visit your father only occasionally, ask your mother if you can stop the visits.

If your father lives in the same household as you, limit the time you spend around him by excusing yourself to your room whenever possible.

Method2

Recovering Emotionally

1

Identify the things that have hurt you. Start by making a list of the belief that you have about yourself, and consider how each one of these beliefs was formed. Then, work on identifying behaviors that come from those beliefs and work on refuting them.

For example, if your dad has told you repeatedly that you’re not smart, then you may have accepted this. This belief may have affected your grades. You can refute this belief by asking for additional help with subjects that have been challenging for you and by improving in these areas, you can show yourself that you are smart.

2

Write a letter, but don’t deliver it. Unloading your thoughts and feelings onto a sheet of paper can be cathartic, giving you an outlet for pent-up emotions. Deal with any unresolved feelings about your father by writing a letter.[6]

Write out everything that you have ever wanted to say to him in as much detail as possible. After you’ve finished writing, read the letter aloud to yourself as if you were sharing it with him. Then, destroy the letter by burning it or tearing it to shreds.

This exercise is designed to help you heal, so delivering the letter is not required. However, if you’d like to send it, go for it.

3

Start a self-care practice. There are many negative effects of having a father who is physically or psychologically absent, such as poor future relationships and mental health problems. Counter these effects by nurturing yourself with regular self-care.[7]

Self-care can be anything that helps you feel nurtured. Try watching your favorite movies or TV shows, going for a quiet walk in nature, or massaging away the tension in your shoulders.

4

Learn to identify your strengths. Feeling unloved or alienated by your father can result in self-hatred and low self-esteem. To counter these emotional problems, make an effort to highlight your personal strengths. Doing so can help you feel more self-confident despite lacking needed support from your dad.[8]

Sit down and make a list of all the things you’re good at. If you have trouble coming up with strengths, ask a close friend to help you.

Post your list on your mirror so that it’s always visible. Add to it when you discover more strengths.

Write down compliments you get from other people, such as teachers or other adults that you respect. Then, when you’re feeling low, look at the list of compliments to remind yourself of what other people really think of you.

5

Confide in a friend you trust. The emotional wounds of having a terrible father may run deep, but it can help to share your feelings with others. Identify at least one friend with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings. Talking to someone can facilitate the healing process.[9]

You might reach out by saying, “My relationship with my dad is really troubling me. I could use someone to talk to.”

6

Talk to someone in authority. In addition to talking to your friends, it can also help to tell an adult what's happening at home. Try talking to another relative, a teacher, or your school counselor.[10]

You might say, "Things are really tough at home. Dad's drinking is getting worse and I don't know what to do."

Know that some people in authority might have to report your father's behavior to the police or child protective services. If you do not want to your father to get into trouble, you might avoid going into specifics with these individuals or talk to a peer's parent or an adult relative instead.[11]

Method3

Surviving Abuse

1

Don't argue with an abusive dad. If your dad is angry or violent, avoid arguing or trying to reason with him. In such a situation, the best way to handle the situation is to remain quiet and only speak when you are directly spoken to. Arguing or trying to explain your perspective may make him angrier and put you in harm's way.[12]

2

Find a safe place to go. If you live with an abusive father, think of a place you can escape to when he’s at his worst. Getting out of his sight may protect you from verbal or physical attacks. If you have younger siblings, bring them along, too.[13]

A safe haven might be a friend’s or neighbor’s house or a park near your home.

3

Tell someone about the abuse. To stop the cycle of abuse, you have to speak out. Doing so can be frightening as you might fear the abuse will get worse if you tell. However, if you say nothing, you can’t get the help you need.[14]

Pull aside an adult you trust, such as a teacher, coach, or school counselor, and tell them what’s happening at home. Most people who work with kids in an official capacity are mandated reporters. This means that they have to call child protective services or the police if they suspect or hear about abuse, and if they don’t, they get in trouble.

If you are in the US or Canada, you can also call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child for assistance 24 hours a day.[15]

If you're in the United Kingdom, call 0808 800 5000 to speak to someone anonymously.[16]

4

Call the police if you're in immediate danger. If your dad is threatening to harm you or someone else in your family, don't hesitate to alert the local police. Never assume he will calm down or that his threats are empty. If you are in a life-threatening situation, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away.[17]

5

See a therapist. Participating in therapy can help bring to light some of the wounds you have developed due to having an abusive father. It’s a safe place to explore and try to resolve long-buried feelings that are affecting your ability to thrive.[18]

If you are a minor, ask your mom or guardian if you can talk to a therapist. You can also ask your school counselor if there is someone who you can talk to while you’re at school.

If you are an adult, ask your family doctor for a mental health referral.

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Article Info

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

"I'm having difficulty with my sick father. As much as I love him, he is not a nice person. This article says not to let his behavior drag me down. It's not about me and it's not my fault. He's been like this for years and it helps me to let go."..." more

SK

Sara Kaz

Jun 17, 2016

"This article is quite accurate. Yes, I just realized no matter what I do for my father, he is never happy. He is super critical and doesn't even know me. He is chauvinistic and weak."..." more

YK

Yejin Kim

Apr 1, 2018

"My father is a very mean person. He calls me a big fat pig and when I slouch, He shouts. I haven't done any of this, but I think it will help if I do. Thanks wikiHow! :)"..." more

Rated this article:

GG

Gilbert Gutierrez

Dec 20, 2017

"I just stay father away from home, attend my own college and break down my bright future awaiting me. I'll do my best to show him I can step up to success."..." more

GC

Gabriel Castelli

Dec 16, 2016

"I just need a job, and get out of the Hell that I'm in. Worst thing is that I can't just react to anything because It feels like I am weak or ungrateful."..." more

RT

Raymond Thompson

Dec 18, 2016

"This article helped me very much because my dad is an abusive guy. I called the emergency services like it said in the article, plus the cops."..." more

A

Anonymous

Oct 17, 2017

"Thank you. I have a father who smokes and drinks, and he has lots of outbursts. I've used these methods and they help a little. "..." more

BN

Binh Nguyen

Jan 4, 2018

"I like the all the methods you gave, but in my hood it's nearly impossible to get help from police or relatives around."..." more

BH

Breanna Harris

Jan 3, 2018

"This really helps me, because my dad is really mean. He says cuss words and I do not like this, so thank you, wikiHow. "..." more

Rated this article:

SD

S. D.

Aug 7, 2017

"I have a problem with my parent. This article has made me realise what steps I need to take to start enjoying my life."..." more

JL

Jillian Leary

May 20, 2018

"My dad is always trying to scream at me without saying anything in a calmer way. This article helped me a lot. "