God Does Not Allow Skateboards Here

The annual Easter visit to church has come and gone, an occasion that creates a huge uproar then dissipates quickly, like a fart blown away by a gust of wind. This tradition doesn't seem to me to be more relevant to my spiritual self than sitting alone for a few minutes and reflecting / praying in peace. But no matter, I helped pretty-up my daughters and the family drove off to church and we did the required standing-room only visit. I witnessed a couple of teenagers faint, the priest dousing the congregation with a torrential amount of holy water, and small children smashing their boogers on their friends' Easter dresses and sport coats. Hurray for Easter!

My youngest became restless with all of the standing around, so we headed outside so she could play. And while I watched her run around and throw rocks, my family and I noticed a sign at the corner of the building. The sign read, "God Does Not Allow Skateboards Here." Ha! Oh really? 'Hmmm,' I thought. 'Is God really concerned about skateboards on church property? There are surely more important things for God to be concerned about, right?' I immediately came to the conclusion that God would not be worried about a recreational sport, something that will illicit happiness and joy in teenagers, as well as keep them in good shape. What this sign was REALLY trying to say was that some grumpy, old people found skateboards to be annoying. And rather than place a sign that read, "Old People Do Not Want Skateboards Here," they decided to use the fear of God as a deterrent for having fun.

It seems to me that there are several other signs that would be more appropriate on the side of a church. It seems to me, if you wanted to play the "fear of God" card, then you would demand that the congregation be intolerant of things that have come to light in recent years that are absolutely horrendous; things to me that are unthinkable injustices that have happened on church properties across the world. These signs should read:

God Does Not Allow Pedophiles Here

God Does Not Allow Marriage to Minors Here

God Does Not Allow Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred Here

God Does Not Allow Ignorance Here

God Does Not Allow Miseducation Here

God Does Not Allow Murderers Here

But to go through the effort of having a sign made and mounted that demands something so trivial instead of stating something so obvious (Do No Evil, people!) is unacceptable. It really is a waste of a sign, isn't it? And for Easter, I couldn't think of a better realization than this: Old People Sometimes Suck. I need to remember that when I get old.

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Who Am I?

I'm a writer and a cartoonist. I can also bend metal with my mind and run really fast, if chased by a pack of wolves.