PARIS Hilton! Nicole Richie! Hugh Hef-ner’s girlfriends! Blond, bim and utterly brainless! And this Tuesday, when “The Simple Life Goes to Camp” and “The Girls Next Door: Season 3” both come to DVD, you can have all that boneheaded banality right in your very own home!

But then again – why would you want to? Watching these two tributes to mental mediocrity is like a dull buzz in the brain. There’s no actual activity, but a vague sense of consciousness melting away. Watch one episode, your eyes start to droop. Two, and here comes the drool.

“The Girls Next Door” is literally about watching stupid people do basically nothing. So, in an episode set around a birthday party, we’re supposed to laugh as Kendra sits in Holly’s birthday cake, or as Bridget carries on for what seems like days about how “cute” the new Playboy-bunny-adorned golf cart is. Or when we hear Holly talk about how she forgot to make a wish when she blew out her birthday candles because “I guess that’s what happens when your life is perfect.”

And really, isn’t every beautiful 28-year-old’s dream to get it on with an 81-year-old man? Even occasional flashes of nudity do nothing to redeem the sheer tedium.

“The Simple Life” starts off with this fascinating piece of dialogue, as Paris and Nicole try to resolve their long simmering feud.

Paris: You go first.

Nicole: I’ll listen. You go first.

Paris: No, you can talk first. I’ll listen.

Nicole: This is lame. If you have something to say, then just say it.

Paris: Forget it. I have nothing to say to you.

Who writes their stuff, David Mamet?

Anyway, if you find current TV fare like “American Gladiators” or “Deal or No Deal” too intellectually taxing, then by all means, pick up these DVDs. And when the era of American superiority comes crashing to an end, you’ll have only yourself to blame.