OK....I need some advice and need to know what I am doing is normal and not destructive to me. Just a quick background, 14 days ago I found out husband was having online chats with lots of women, many sexual, exchanging pix, talking, etc. He also told me some lasted weeks, some months, and one in particular lasted 2 years...all this along with looking at porn....Wow, sounds great doesn't it.

Anyway, he tells me he met all the women( none he met in person), on a online game that you can chat and then they would go to another app for sex stuff. So, I have his account and everyday I go on trying to connect with women he may have chatted/sexted with. I want to find out what he said, what went on, etc. He tells me to stop this and to just move on....he is comitted on working on R. He has given up his iphone and now has a basic phone without apps. He did everything with his phone. Is it crazy for me to do this everyday....I am not sure what I want...I just need to know as much as possible. He tells me it was all bad....said horrible things to them about me....flirted and sexted....he doesn't understand why I am continuing doing this. Is this normal, should I stop? How do I stop? He keeps saying lets take it from here and that is in the past...not to forget, but to move forward....is that right? Thanks for listening.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014

deena04♀ 41741Member # 41741

Posted: 8:20 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Cyber cheating is still cheating. Gently, there may be more that you don't know. For example, is it possible he did or planned to meet them? Many on here will tell you to be careful for the "more you don't know"; hopefully it's not the case, but just be careful and trust your gut. Sometimes the online leads to physical, so it may or may not have gone there. I wish you the best; take it one day at a time and take care!!

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 6 years, married 8/13, D 2015
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Dec 2013

simplydevastated♀ 25001Member # 25001

Posted: 8:23 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

This is very similar to my situation

It's normal...to a point. The way I see it is that you're searching for answers that he's not giving you. That's where it's normal. Anyone would do that. If he was truly committed to R then, in my opinion, he wouldn't be keeping anything else from you. Lies, even lies by omission, are damaging and controlling. By him not giving you the answers you need to heal and move forward he is controlling you and controlling your ability to make a sound decision for yourself. No has that right.

Also, because he is not forthcoming and just telling you to get over it (my husband said that to me and it makes my blood boil) you will find yourself continuing down this downward spiral. Believe me. I did it. I've been there. I had/have the fake accounts on the same online dating sites so I could track him and his activity, I had access to his emails so I could see what he was doing. I sent emails pretending to be him to women that were in his contact list to see if I could start a conversation and "pick up where they left off."

wow...simply devastated...I just checked your profle to see if it got any better and I see it hasn't. I wanted to know if there was hope for me...sadly, I see similarities in our stories. Was he committed to working on R? How long had it been? I am so sorry.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014

simplydevastated♀ 25001Member # 25001

Posted: 8:59 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

Yeah...if you're looking for hope, it's best to stay out of my profile

Was he committed to working on R?

In the beginning it seemed like he was, but because I wasn't "getting over it" because it "wasn't as bad as what other people of have done." it just got worse from there. He still lies and keeps his secrets. He's controlling to a degree (information, money etc..) As you've seen on my profile he still goes out to his dating sites.

How long had it been?

I first D-day was June 12, 2008. It's been a series of non stop D-Day's since. The date of the first online dating site that I found goes back to 2004

Thank you.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this is as well. Please understand that cyber/online cheating is still cheating. Don't let him downplay it like mine did. It's still a betrayal on many levels. My husband also views porn. He had pictures on his desktop, saved to discs, he even tweets .gifs of women shaking their large chests on twitter

My husband also talks shit about the three of us to his gaming friends. I so understand what you're going through. I think I'm you in a future state, sorry to say.

simply devastated..thanks, I am so sorry to hear all you are going through. Unfortunately I am new, so I dont think I can send you a PM yet. But, feel free to PM me anytime. Thanks its comforting to know I am not alone, but unbelievably sad too.