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Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Betty Freaking Crocker of Birthdays

It's been a few days (or more) since I had my big "f*ck this" moment in my life and as usual, I'm back. Sometimes I really just need to vent. This is not at all where I want to be anymore (physically) and it will change soon enough... I just get impatient. :) Sorry I was all angsty. Let's move on.

So one of the things I absolutely love about being near my family and friends is cooking. I'm sure my family would be shocked by that because we grew up in a baking family. Angel food cakes are the business and the specialty. Brownies, cakes, and cookies are regular staples. I've done all of those things, but when it comes to feeding my family I like to get a bit, or a lot, outside our English/Norman-Scandinavian roots.

Before anyone gets all uppity about their roots, remember I am cut from the same cloth. For the love of God we're probably cooking from the same damned church cook books. Was that blasphemous to say damned and church in the same sentence? Oh well, moving on... Many of us grew up with 'black ground pepper' and 'salt' as our seasonings. I've looked through my Methodist and Catholic cook books. I've yet to find basil, oregano, cumin, or any curry powder that has been known to man for centuries.

Regardless, big dinners is what I do. Most of the time it is traditional fare: Roast, grill food, chicken... chicken, chicken (grilled, broiled, baked, grilled, pan friend, etc). Still, I specialize in Italian because my kids will lean toward Italian meals. Perhaps it is the fact that you don't walk away from an Italian dinner without knowing full well that you've had your share. Maybe it's because I offer them wine (which they always turn down)? Hey, if you're being Euro with your food you might as well be Euro with your children! Regardless, I've conquered a few dishes, including a sweet risotto puddling with steamed pears and white chocolate, as well as more pasta dishes than any dieter should ever consider attempting.

So when my daughter's fiance had his birthday I had all sorts of ideas of what to cook. I couldn't settle on one so I took an idea from a friend for one I hadn't done before... Carbonara. Ugh... parmesan sauce. I'd tried to do it before with terrible results. Just a little hint, I've always tried substituting low fat ingredients with horrible results. HORRIBLE. So this recipe is what it is. For the dieters, enjoy your cheat day. For the lactose intolerant, take Lactaid. For the wine drinkers, grab some wine. I've included it in the directions.

Chicken Bacon Carbonaraside note: Let it rest a few minutes before serving and taking pics or it will settle (as above)

Before you begin, get a wine glass and pour wine in it (drink some wine), a medium size mixing bowl, a skillet, and a large stock pot for boiling pasta. Ready? Here's what you need:

■ 1 pkg penne pasta

■1 lb chicken breast (boneless and skinless) sliced

■1/2 lb bacon cut

■2? bottles of white wine (1/2 cup set aside) (I don't know how you do.. if you followed directions you've already emptied a glass plus half a cup)

Put a large kettle of water on to boil. Brown the bacon. When the bacon is
nearly done turn off the heat and drain the fat. Save about 1 tbsp to pour back
into the pan. Add 1/2 cup of whatever white you’re drinking to deglaze. Toss
chicken breast, garlic, and reserved bacon drippings into the pan. Cook on
medium until done.

After you toss the chicken in to cook, pour the Penne into the boiling
water. (drink some wine)

While the pasta and chicken cook, grab a medium mixing bowl. Add eggs,
parmesan, basil, parsley, and tomatoes. Whisk until blended. Set aside.

Obviously, you’re going to want to check that chicken. Don’t over cook it.
When it’s done go ahead and turn it off and drain the juices and fats.

(drink some wine)

When the pasta is done drain it and rinse vigorously with hot water to
destarch and stop it from over cooking (keeps it from getting sticky on its
own).

Toss pasta back in the big pan and add the meat/garlic mix on top. Pour
cream/cheese/tomato/herb mix on top. Turn to a med-low heat and mix. Continue to
mix until the pasta is sticky coated with the entire mixture (about 5 minutes).
Remember, this contains raw egg so not stirring regularly can result in a more
“curdled” appearance. Stir stir stir off the calories of wine you consumed while
cooking.

Serve with a nice warm Italian bread and maybe dipping oils or one of
Hy-Vee’s (or your local store's) already prepared Asiago Focaccia breads and a white wine.

(drink some wine)

Also, have some wine. When you’re done eating and cleaning up the kitchen I
recommend having some wine. It helps prevent you from ruminating on the fact
that you’ve made this kick ass awesome meal and you’re also cleaning up.

Go to the bathroom and run a really hot bubble bath. Take some wine. Maybe
take the rest of the bottle or the second bottle. No one said you had to share
the wine, but there is way too much food in the recipe to keep for yourself. Get
into bath and ignore the family while you enjoy the bubbles in the bath and the
wine in your glass.

I won't lie. The whole experience made me feel like the Betty Freaking Crocker of birthday dinners. To be honest, they might have also been impressed with Velveeta melting out from their pasta onto the plate, but I'd like to believe it was something more. When I had a chance to taste it for myself all I could say, in my most Norman-Scandinavian voice, was, "Awesome, maybe a little black pepper?"

Regardless, the birthday boy's response was that it was, "That was great! Thank you!" Another response was that we should have that more often. Unfortunately, they don't buy the groceries and we will only have it again when I can substitute the bacon for pancetta... because the snobby part of me wants to know what I'm getting charged for the next time I go to a nice Italian restaurant.

So I'm going to go look at the leftovers in the pan and imagine what it will taste like tomorrow for lunch. We all need something to carry us through the next day, right?

About Me

I write but not for money... that is unless you want to pay me. I specialize in snarky observations and cynical yet hopeful romanticism. I am currently writing a DIY book on how to derail your own life. I have a follow up instructional guide on how to relate to all the wrong men for women who weren't able to completely derail their lives with book one. Look for my work at Barnes and Borders.