„ I guess once you acknowledge the fact that you’ve got it bad for your best friend, there isn’t a damn thing you can do to make it all okay again. Dear God, if you’re listening, please strike me down right this moment. It’s easy to avoid awkwardness when you’re in a coma or dead.

„Damn it! These feelings for Kendall are fully freaking me out. They were never part of my consciousness before, but the more I think about it, the more I’m sure they have always existed—resting dormant just beneath the surface of perceptibility. Now that they’ve broken through whatever barrier kept them locked away, I’ve become so harshly aware of them that it’s physically painful. It’s like I’m treading on jagged glass, and I can’t deal with it. All it takes is one minor slip up, one wrong footfall, and I’ll be shredded into tiny pieces.””

„Kendall’s head is nuzzled into the spot where my shoulder and collarbone meet. Her arm is slung across my stomach—which, of course, is exposed because I don’t own a single shirt long enough to resist creeping up my torso as I toss and turn in the night. It’s a hairline past 6:30 in the morning, and I’m already freaking out. That must be one for the record books.

I draw in a series of quick, short breaths—preparing myself to move as lightly and slowly as possible. It’s like that coyote ugly thing, except the girl I’m trying not to disturb is absurdly gorgeous, and we most definitely did not do anything sexual the night before. Or any night ever.

As I attempt to slide off the bed, Kendall slightly stirs, but does not wake. She makes a minor adjustment to the placement of her arm and instantly goes from lazily hugging my side to fully holding me. There is a difference between the two. It’s a discreet longing—an added bit of effort—that turns a hug into a hold. I’m as sure as I’ve ever been of anything that I am being held right now. Without warning, I feel a hot, wet tear roll down my face. It splashes onto my t-shirt. I want this moment to last forever. I know it’s the only one of its kind I’ll ever have with Kendall”

„The real problem is that she’s my best friend. We have an undeniable connection that’s more intense than 10,000 Kelvin heat, more dynamic than seismic activity. It’s like there’s gravity between us—she’s the onlything anchoring me to the world, keeping me from floating off into the upper stratosphere and getting lost in space. I can’t risk losing her. I would be an empty shell of a person if she weren’t in my life.”

„Payton is quiet and much too far away from me. I want her right here—in my face and in my arms. Leaving her has always been the hardest part for me, long before I became aware of exactly how much she means to me. There’s sadness in her eyes whenever I have to go, like she’s convinced it’s the last time she’ll ever see me. This time around, the sadness is killing me”

„Looking at myself in the rearview mirror, all I can think of is how downright ridiculous this whole situation has become. It isn’t just about Payton anymore, is it? Beyond her, it’s about an absolute reclassification of my sexuality. And I amnot gay. I’m just… not. How can I be? I’ve dated more guys than I can count on two hands and ten toes. Lesbians don’t date men, and I do. End of story. So whatif the physical attraction I’ve felt for the dudes I’ve dated thus far has been lackluster, lukewarm at best? Maybe they’ve all been too pretty to incite any kind of serious desire in me. Maybe I need a cowboy—some ruggedly handsome, Stetson-wearing, scruffy-faced macho man. Or maybe you’ve only dated pretty boys with soft, feminine features because you’re genuinely attracted to um, females”

„ I’ll tell you exactly what was up with that!” I realize how unfair it is to be yelling at her, yet I’m powerless to stop myself from doing it. I’m so wound up that every last sensible part of me has shut down. There’s not an ounce of stability left in me. “I’m pissed, Payton! Pissed at myself because I’m a stupid, gutless coward! I couldn’t just tell you how I was feeling. I couldn’t tell you that I thinkI want to be more than just your friend, and that it scares the shit out of me! It doesn’t matter now. It’s too late! You’re sleeping with Lauren, and–”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she yells over me. “I tried to sleep with Lauren! Oh my god, did I try! I was this close, and then I started crying! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for me, curled up in a half-naked ball at the edge of my bed telling a girl I really liked all about how I couldn’t be withher because my heart belongs to you? It does, you know! My heart has belonged to you for as long as I can remember!Jesus Christ, Kendall! I’ve been killing myself since I was twelve, trying not to notice it was there, trying to make it go away!”

She’s been feeling this for years? Years! I am such an idiot! “I’m glad it never went away,” I mumble. Here she is, chilling in the middle of the living room, staring at me with her big honey-colored eyes. She is so lovely.I can’t…

I rush at her, slamming her back against the kitchen wall. I run my fingers through her velvety tresses and kiss her hard. She kisses me back—tentatively at first, but soon I feel her tongue dance across my lips, begging for entrance to my mouth. Immediately, I realize how different it is, kissing a woman as opposed to kissing a man. It’s inquisitive rather than demanding, pleasurable rather than acceptable, more delicate, yet so much more tantalizing.”

Terrifying like my blockades have been overrun and I can no longer hope to avoid being conquered. “It’s an incredibly humbling honor.””

„I want to kiss you until the sun collides with the earth and chars us both into dunes of ash”

„And then, like an idiot, I start to cry. “I don’t hold Payton’s hand when we’re walking down the street. She isn’t the person by my side on the red carpet. We hardly ever leave the house because I know we’d be hounded by the media, and I don’t want to lie about who she is and what she means to me, but I’m scared to tell the truth! I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel guilty because I’mnot being honest and ashamed because I don’t think I can be honest! The whole planet wants me to be someone I’m not. Some days I feel like I’d rather rip my own heart out with a pair of pliers than live up to these stupid standards.””

„“Decision! Lifestyle!” she shouts. “Like I had a choice! Do you really think I woke up one day and said to myself ‘I’d like my life to be more difficult than necessary, how can I make that happen? I know! I’ll become a lesbian! That’s sure to complicate the hell out of everything!’ That’s not what happened, Mom! I didn’t decide to be gay. It’s the luck of the draw, okay? I was dealt these cards, so I’m gonna have to play my hand.”

“I don’t accept that, Kendall!” Mrs. Bettencourt fires back. “There is always a choice. Unfortunately, I can’t make your choices for you, because legallyyou are an adult. I can tell you if it were up to me, this thing between you and Payton would not be happening. You claim it has nothing to do with her, but it clearly has everything to do with her! She’s a bad influence on you! You were normal before you found out she was that way.””

„Being conscious only means that I play that night on repeat in my head: the sparsely lit alley, Kendall kissing me as if it were the end of the world. I wish that it actually had been the end of the world. I haven’t just lost the person I love, I’ve lost my best friend.”

„All this recognition from my peers, the adoration of millions of strangers—it means a lot to me, but not as much as Payton does. I can’t believe I’m doing this to her. I can’t believe I’m doing this to myself. I mean, honestly! I love her more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone. Maybe I can survive without her, but I can’t livewithout her.””

“Put her above everything else, above your fear, above whatever judgments anyone may pass. You’re the first person to tell someone to go to hell when you need to, so go on—be the Kendall Bettencourt I know and flip a great big middle finger at any haters who slither out of the woodwork. Be you, be in love, be happy. I was wrong to insinuate that you ever should’ve done otherwise.”