Mako: The Jaws of Death

Cribbing from his own Stanley -- a flick about an angry indian in cahoots with a rattlesnake, which come to think of it, was itself a steal from the rat-revenge hit Willard -- Floridian auteur William Grefe dreams up yet another bizarro Dr. Dolittle (Richard Jaeckel) who pals around with S-H-A-R-K-S that readily chew on anyone who burns his bacon.

By the end of the picture, turns out, that's a pretty long list! Why? Well, in Key West, when they're not boozing it up at pre-hurricane soirees, it seems they rather enjoy doing mean-nasty things to these would-be maneaters. Something Jaeckel's stone-faced Sonny (Oh, the irony!) simply can't abide due to his accidental induction into the "Shark Clan" whilst ankling away from certain death in the Philippines. (Don't ask.) That and because things get personal when a crooked marine biologist comes courting Sonny's extended fin'd family -- Sammy, Matilda and their unborn brood.

But between fearsome feeding frenzies, Jaeckel jabbers with his "friends" via the trap door of his shore-side bachelor pad, tussles with CineSchlocker fave Harold "Odd Job" Sakata and moons over Jennifer Bishop's bikini-clad water mambo in a jumbo-sized aquarium behind the bar at the Rustic Inn. Take THAT Cirque du Soleil!

Besides harboring nary the slightest bit of shame about coattailing a certain other '70s sensation, this strange precursor to militant environmentalism was filmed entirely without cages or robotics, which you guessed it, means lots and lots of sharks were harmed during the making of this feature. Yep, they really don't make 'em like this anymore.