I don’t need a Million Dollars. Just cough up 18K and we’re good. This post was written last fall for the late MamaPop, a pop and web culture website I was a proud to write for. Earlier this week I woe-is-me’d about sleep. As you can see not much has changed in four months.

To review my application for the NASA role, please read on.

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‘I’ve got the ideal job for you!’ announced my husband a couple of days ago. Been there, done that, know that what usually follows is the ultimately NON ideal job for me. I was prepared to be pleasantly disappointed, which I totally was the minute the word ‘NASA’ came out of his mouth. However he soon had me again at ‘bed’.

And it’s not what you think, OK? It’s nothing kinky. Unless you view my sleep fetish as kinky, which why would you? All I do is spend considerable amounts of my day worrying whether I’m going to get it tonight or not. The rest of the time I fantasize and obsess about sleep and will take it in any shape, form and position I can get. Enter NASA.

NASA experiment pros and cons list. Pro: I get to sleep not on my computer.

On Friday last week various news websites reported that NASA was looking for volunteers for an experiment it was conducting on the effects of decreased physical activity and effort during the periods astronauts spend in space, where due to lack of gravity they are not required to be as active and exert as much physical effort. The experiment will involve spending 70 days in a downward tilted bed at a 6 degree angle. Subjects who complete the task will earn up to $18K.

So where’s the catch?

I know, new(ish) moms, I know. Is it possible that we all just collectively had the same wet dream? So, like, let me get this straight, you’re actually paying me to STAY IN BED??? I feel like there’s a Robert Redford/Demi Moore parallel waiting to be drawn here, but I’m ignoring it, because where’s the catch in YOUR scenario again, NASA?

NASA experiment pros and cons list. Con: this is not a good look on me.

NASA experiment pros and cons list. Con: this is not a good look for me.

See, I am a non-morning person who’s been waking up at 5 a.m. for months. It seems that my 1-year-old and 4-year-old are in agreement that when one of them decides to sleep in the other one takes the 5 a.m. shift. That is when nobody wakes up at 4:30 a.m., because who, the hell, wants to wake up at 5 a.m. every day??? Of course, we also usually get woken up at least once a night by each of the boys prior to our final rise and shine with the roosters. As a result, I’ve become one of those, previously scorned by me, happy go lucky sleepers who couldn’t care less if they’re slobbering all over somebody’s shoulder on the train with their head dropping backwards or dozing off while cooking lunch. I’ll sleep through it. It being anything. I am now capable of sleeping while sitting in 4-year-old’s bed at 3 a.m., as well as, I would guess, while standing, sky diving, peeing and floating in space (the last sentence is borrowed from my NASA cover letter).

Before applying for the position, I’ve decided, like every professional person, to create a pros and cons list.

Do we really need to talk about the pros? Didn’t think so.

As for cons? MEH. Not gonna lie to you, I am not crazy about the sound of a tilted angle on my bed, it kinda screams sea sickness, if you ask me, but I’m highly adaptable and will fit in in any type of work environments. Another semi concern I had was that apparently according to Roni Cromwell, a senior scientist on the study, this opening is not for couch potatoes. That’s fine, I was taught to look for a 90% match between the job description and my qualifications. Then, of course, there’s the kids. They will do anything in their power to get me out of bed. I am very well equipped to deal with situations like that. In the course of my previous employment relevant experience, I’ve managed to stay in bed and sleep through conversations I was having, as well as remain lying while wooden wrenches, screws and saws from Melissa and Doug’s wooden project workbench were being repeatedly shoved under my pillow. I’ve never once left bed during zombie, mummy and monster attacks. I believe I’m the ideal candidate for the position.

Last spring I tweeted:

Don’t belittle my post-kids dreams. They may be small but just as unattainable. #cupofteafantasies

You do realize, NASA, that you’re about to get swamped with applications from moms, right? Our final frontier is much closer than space, but just as unattainable. It’s our own bed. Thanks for making this possible, NASA.

39 thoughts on “NASA Will Pay You 18K For 70 Days In Bed – In Related News: Who Wants To Watch My Kids?”

OMG you are hysterical! This is greatness! My first thought was also…what’s the catch? I have moved so little in the past 6 months, they could go ahead and conduct all their tests on me and be done with the whole damn experiment. I guess sitting at a computer is the safe effect as sleeping on a tilted bed, right?

I sleep through everything that goes on from midnight to 6:30am every single night. My husband had taken over the graveyard shift (by necessity, because his wife wouldn’t wake the F up) since my youngest (now 6yo) was a newborn. I blame it on the exactly zero hours of sleep I got from my eldest’s baby/toddler years.

“I have moved so little in the past 6 months, they could go ahead and conduct all their tests on me and be done with the whole damn experiment.” – LOVE. Same here. But I still think we should charge 18K.

Where do I sign up? Seriously, I don’t remember the last night I had a good night’s sleep and tilted or not, I would so love to be paid to stay in bed all day. So, you are right you aren;t the only one on this by any means!!

Aha! Now I know why you described your sleep deprivation post a few days ago with an overhead view! (Because, you know, NASA…)

Tune in for another exciting episode of Moms In Space! When we last saw our intrepid hero Katia, she was snoozing comfortably. Let’s follow along now as she takes another 56 hours of uninterrupted slumber, rolling out of bed only to use the toilet and verify that some poor soul is still looking after her children…

Hahaha! Cutest astronaut ever! I can totally fall asleep anywhere. ANYwhere! I’m the guy who falls asleep on the bus with my face against the glass of the window. The kids made me this way. Lol. Thanks for the chuckle, lady!

Wow! Until I got to the end of your post I thought this gig was calling my name. Stay in bed for 70 days? I could totally do that! But given my tendency to get motion sickness easily, the position just wouldn’t work for me. Damn.

I loved it then and I love it now. I’ll totally give you a recommendation if you’ll get me a job there too. I think I might be asleep right now. Yesterday, I had to wake Tucker up and then rush around to get ready for the school bus on time. Today, there’s a two-hour weather delay so who wakes up extra extra early? Yup. Freaking Murphy’s Law.

All yours, my dear – you KNOW I’m terrible at sleeping in bed. I’d go nuts within three days and the only slobber on the windows would be from me trying to chew my way out.

Now if NASA paid to test NAPPING. Oh, I’m all about the naps. I can sleep *anywhere* for 20 minutes. Places in the past have included floors, sofas, in the back of the van at work (most lunchtimes, actually), in cupboards, on beds, UNDER beds, balanced with my forehead on the taps (okay, I was drunk for that one), being driven in cars, the bathroom floor (no, wait, drunk again), balanced between two beds, holding one arm each round Niece and Neff, at the beach, in the garden.

Oh. And on Google Hangouts. Whilst (supposedly) talking to other bloggers!

I nap and I nap and I NAP. But 70 days in bed? No way :D

I’m so glad you included the sweet pic of you zonking out on your laptop. I hope you get the job. I’ll look after the kids.

Hmmm, I think NASA may be onto something – with all that time spent sleeping, I guess the helmet is to keep your head straight so you don’t get a kink in your neck. ;) Wonder how that worked out – even a 6 degree angle would be hell on anyone with even a slight back problem. Shifts the pressure to the wrong spot. I’m like Lizzie – terrible at sleeping in bed but can doze for for 5-10 minutes just about anywhere/anytime (no, not narcoleptic lol). One thing I have never done is fall asleep standing up like my Dad. My nephew swears my Dad actually walked into a room he was watching TV in once, and after a few minutes with Dad not saying anything, my nephew turned around to say something to him and realized he was asleep – standing in the doorway with a steaming hot cup of tea in his hand!!

Neither am I. While I can now fall asleep a lot easier than before and am not at all selective (in theory, because I don’t get much practice) on how I do it, I still wake up at the lightest noise, which is why I am so exhausted and obsessing over sleep :-)

And this is why our taxes are so high! Bu I will get paid to stay in bed. In a bed where there is no one drooling on me. In a bed that no one is taking the covers, wetting or (yuck) throwing up on me. Of course I’m with you on the bed head issue. But I am willing to sacrifice bedhead for a full nights sleep

LOL Katia! I don’t know. I keep thinking about how whatever I ate would be trying to go the wrong way when I slept and what if having your blood flowing to your brain for that long gave you brain tumors and could you still use facebook or twitter? If so, then maybe.

Clearly a lack of sleep is not affecting your sense of humor – this was funny! Although I feel bad for giggling at it, because I know how tired you are – so tired you would sleep upside down. If it doesn’t get better soon, I’m coming up there to watch your boys so you can sleep for 24 hours straight! I’ll bring my kids so they can help entertain – they are more fun than I am anyway.