Stories

Have you ever been so infatuated with a television character that your entire life became a vessel of aspiration to that character’s greatness? When I was young, that man was Oprah. But then, a short, slow-witted stocky, bald man appeared on TV. No, I am not talking about Barbra Walters. I am talking about a true legend of our time: George Costanza.

In the Seinfeld episode, The Bizarro Jerry, George stumbles into an alternate dimension. A place filled with gorgeous high society models in a meatpacking plant cum upscale exclusive jet set club in New York City.

To get into the forbidden world, George uses a secret key, a photo of Jerry’s girlfriend ‘Manhands,’ and a story to go along with it -- his dead fiancée.

At the end of the episode, George brings Jerry to the phantasmagorical club. But it doesn’t exist. It’s just a filthy meatpacking plant. We’re left wondering if this was a real place or a fantasy land George fictitiously created to impress his friends.

Nothing is more important to me than impressing my Facebook friends, Tinder matches, Instagram fans, Twitter followers and Grindr grindees. So I got to thinking… Could there be an alternate universe like this in Ottawa? And if I conned my way into this phantasmagorical world, could it springboard me to stratospheric social media fame?

Like Martin Luther King, I had a dream, a dream of getting dozens of fresh Facebook likes and hip, hot, cool new friends. So with clippings from Tiger Beat, Cosmo, Out, Pink Triangle, Oprah Weekly, Martha Monthly, Ford Nation, The Chrétien Chronicle, Kardashian Hourly, Teddy Bear Times, Mules and More, Goat Meat News, Phantasmagorical Friday, The Seinfeldian, Lex Magazine and a story about my dead fiancée, I wandered into the basement of a local church on Kent Street. My wildest dreams were about to come true.

Welcome to The Bizarro Ottawa.

"My name is George, I’m unemployed and I live at my parents"

"I want to make a good entrance. I never make good entrances."

"You have made some good exits."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty. "

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society.'”

"Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour."

"What you need is a song that you can share. Is there a song that you feel strongly about? 'Witchy Woman.'"

"I don't wanna be a pirate!"

"I work at Vandelay industries."

"I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian."

"I was in the pool, I was in the pool!"

"The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."

"There was shrinkage!"

Mulva.

"If you look annoyed all the time, people think you're busy."

"You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?"

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect."

“This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her.”

"You are way past the phone call break up stage"

"To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual."

"I have been performing feats of strength all morning."

"They're real and they're spectacular."

"Yeah, I’m a great quitter: it’s one of the few things I do well… I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter… I was raised to give up"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

"You need a priest to get rid of this."

“If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all.”

A few of the bow tie models came over to my place afterwards and yadda yadda yadda, I’m really tired today.