Preparing Yourself for Marriage

A practical, insightful guide for singles.

Singles need a vision of what they want marriage to be like, with ideas about how to make that happen. By considering what they will contribute, they can work on becoming the "right" kind of spouse and realistically imagine what kind of partner will complement them. It is important for singles to think about what they will bring to a marriage because who we are in marriage is every bit as important as who we choose to marry.

Most people have to work hard to do the right things to make their marriages work.

People often have the erroneous idea that good marriages just happen. They don't realize that just as academic success is a combination of skills, knowledge and hard work, so is success in relationships. There are a small number of couples for whom relating comes easily, but most people have to work hard to do the right things to make their marriages work. This work begins by adopting the attitude that marriage is about growing and contributing to another person's growth, not being totally comfortable with the way we are and how we live. It also requires that we be givers and not primarily takers.

Some people with poor self-esteem or who are very self-centered expect to find a mate who will make them happy. They may dream of a mate who is beautiful, wealthy, or who can magically intuit their every want and take away every hurt they ever felt. Such people need to work on themselves, often with the help of psychotherapy, because finding a mate will rarely make them feel better until they first are happy with themselves. They have to leave the childish role of expecting life to provide them with a lifelong caretaker and start giving of themselves to others.

Most people who don't feel good about themselves want frequent reassurance that they are loveable and worthwhile, and become upset if it is missing. They expect a partner always to be warm, happy, and uncritical. That is hard for most partners, and unrealistic to expect of a mate. Instead, insecure people should do whatever is necessary to feel less dependent on others' positive feedback. That may require psychotherapy, a job change, or appreciating aspects of themselves that they now denigrate.

Today, people confuse needs with wants. Needy people believe that others must take care of them, and they won't take care of themselves more than is absolutely necessary. Their partners find this dependency draining and exhausting. It is enjoyable to give love and compliments freely, but who wants to have them constantly demanded or expected?

We should not need marriage to give us worth or be our sole source of meaning.

While a good marriage can make happy people more fulfilled and may take away some loneliness, we should not need marriage to make life meaningful, give us worth, or be our sole source of meaning. We should want to marry so that we can grow emotionally and spiritually and be able to give of ourselves to a spouse and children. If we are basically unhappy and don't feel that we have much to give, or if we mostly want to take, marriage only compounds our emotional problems and our dissatisfaction with life.

People who are generally unhappy and who expect circumstances or other people to make them feel better are usually disappointed. Nothing external can undo years of emotional deprivation. If we can't make ourselves happy, no one else will be able to do so. Marriage cannot provide for all of our emotional needs, unless our needs are few. No one should expect another person to devote his or her life to making us happy. Even when people promise that during courtship, it is not realistic. Such promises rarely extend beyond the early weeks of marriage.

Despite what romance novels and movies suggest, marriage doesn't solve emotional problems, and often adds to them. This is why we should first strive to be the right person before trying to marry the "right" person.

TAKING STOCK OF OURSELVES

While many singles have expectations of a marriage partner, they can be totally oblivious to their own shortcomings. For example, Abe insisted that matchmakers set him up with slim, attractive women, despite his being 5'11" and weighing 270 pounds. Laura continually sought warm, emotionally available men, yet was aloof and cold herself. Diana was attracted to men who were stable, yet she was perpetually disorganized and unable to make a commitment. Dean kept hoping to meet a career woman who earned a lot of money, yet he didn't realize that such women would not respect him since he barely earned enough to support himself.

The Talmud says that a man may not marry a woman whom he finds unattractive because he will violate the obligation to "Love your neighbor as yourself." Yet singles should not hold others to higher standards than they hold themselves, especially in terms of character traits or appearance. While people often think that they deserve someone who has every quality on their wish list, that kind of person may not want to compromise his or her standards, either. Their standards may include someone who is more appealing than we are!

When singles create a "shopping list" of a spouse-to-be's qualities, they should wonder if that person would want them! They should also wonder if some of the qualities they seek might be mutually exclusive. For example, a person seeking an intellectual, socially-concerned, well-dressed, and meticulously groomed mate may find that people who are very concerned about looks are likely to be superficial and self-centered. A woman who wants a stereotypically masculine husband who also writes poetry and likes opera may find that combination hard to find. Those who seek a mate who is very successful in his or her career are likely to find someone with little free time for nurturing a marriage.

Singles who are serious about getting married should make the most of their appearance. They shouldn't rationalize staying unattractive by saying that their soul mate will accept them for who they are unless they really don't want to find an appropriate partner.

EGOCENTRIC EXPECTATIONS

In our egocentric society, couples often marry because they hope to receive more from a spouse than they did as singles. But unless both partners give instead of take, their love will die of malnutrition.

Children use people as objects. They believe that people and the world exist only to make them happy. As we grow older, we are supposed to become as Godlike as possible. One way we do this is by imitating His qualities of compassion and giving.

After God created the first person, He proclaimed:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife, and they shall be as one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

Since Adam and Eve had no parents, this verse implies that the parent-child relationship is unique insofar as parents give unreservedly, while children take. People have to reverse this mentality before marriage by being givers, not remaining takers. This means learning what others need and trying to provide it. This requires listening with sensitivity and trying to give our partner what he or she needs. This often means delaying our own gratification and compromising what we want.

Some people don't fulfill a partner's needs because they assume the partner has the same needs and feelings that they do. Instead of doing only what pleases us, we should learn what a partner wants and try to provide it. Someone whose gifts and efforts are seldom appreciated may not be giving a partner what he or she really wants. Good communication, patience and a willingness to acknowledge someone else's differences from us is necessary in order to find out what that person's true desire is.

People with successful marriages realize that no matter how much they have in common with their mates, there will always be differences. Their partner is not like them. It is normal and healthy for two people to have different likes and dislikes, styles of communicating, interests and goals, ways of thinking, and emotional needs. By accepting the validity of their differences, they can focus on what they have in common and appreciate what they love about each other. They can use their differences to enrich their union instead of feeling threatened by the fact that they are not the same.

APPRECIATING DIFFERENCES

Everyone wants to be appreciated and to feel unique and special. We make people feel this way by asking them to share memories, experiences, feelings, and ideas with us, then show that we treasure them. We are able to do this most easily when we believe that someone else's uniqueness enriches the tapestry of our lives and allows us to bond closer with them.

Instead of trying to get someone to fit our image, we can learn about and appreciate a partner for who he or she is.

Instead of trying to get someone to fit our image, we can learn about and appreciate a partner for who he or she is. Many women marry men who they hope to change. Men marry women hoping the women will not change, and will accept the men as they are. They often end up in a tug-of-war where the women try to change men into partners the men never want to be.

It is hard to accept a partner if we don't feel secure about ourselves because differences symbolize separation and incompatibility to many people. The more insecure people are, the more they feel threatened by differences, and the harder it is to be close to a partner who is dissimilar. A secure woman can love the fact that her husband enjoys reading mathematics, even though she hates it. When he does what makes him happy, she is happy. They can agree to disagree about politics if they have other philosophies and causes on which to agree. Their differences can even lead to interesting conversations as they learn from each other and share opposing points of view.

An insecure woman feels threatened by differences because she wants to share "everything" with a husband. She feels inadequate when others appreciate a part of him that she can't. She also worries that he will stop loving her if he meets women who can discuss topics with him that she doesn't understand or appreciate.

Likewise, some men enjoy a wife's career success because it relieves them of their economic burden. They are glad when their wives find work fulfilling, as this makes the women happier and more interesting to be with. Insecure men are afraid of women who have fulfilling careers, fearing that, if they married, the wife might stop needing them, or might meet men who could become the husband's rivals. Some men deliberately seek wives who are limited and insular in order to get more attention than their wives do; their wives will always look up to them.

LOVE

People marry for many different reasons, but mostly because they are "in love" and want to spend the rest of their lives with someone special. Healthy love results from ongoing choices that we make to love a partner who has real, lasting, and admirable qualities. Mature people don't "fall in love" as helpless victims of their emotions.

Healthy love develops from contributing to a partner's growth, raising a family together, and sharing meaningful ideas, memories, experiences and goals. The more we give and commit to a relationship, the deeper our love is (Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, Michtav M'eliyahu, Strive for Truth, pp. 126-7). For instance, a mother loves her baby despite the fact that he never takes care of her. Quite the opposite! He cries, spits up, dirties his diapers, and doesn't talk intelligibly. She loves him because of what she does for him, not because of what he gives her. The more she does, the more she loves.

We often decide how we feel about something by looking at what we do. If we invest a lot in a cause, we assume that it must be very important to us. The more we do, the more invested we are, and the more we feel committed to it. This is one reason why Judaism requires us to do so many things to serve God. The more we do for Him, the more we love Him, and the more attached to Him we feel.

Love results from committing ourselves to care for a spouse.

This same idea applies to marriage. Love results from committing ourselves to care for a spouse. When our memories are filled with images of doing for that person, our hearts follow by loving the one to whom we give so much.

We can love others primarily because of what we take from them, or because of what we give. The more partners give to each other, the more it strengthens their relationship. Mature people get pleasure from the "work" and responsibilities of marriage, from sharing and contributing. They don't expect to be repaid measure for measure and don't keep score about who did what.

Unfortunately, many people expect a partner to heal old emotional wounds and fill lifelong voids. They give in order to get back, and are rarely satisfied with a partner's response because no one can take away such ingrained pain and lifelong emptiness.

Healthy love is built from sharing feelings and communicating wants clearly and sensitively, without expecting a partner to mind-read. In a good marriage, people deal maturely with anger and other feelings. They delay gratification instead of letting their emotions rule them. They derive enormous pleasure from making a partner happy, and are willing to put their own wants on hold when necessary for the integrity of the relationship.

Some people complain that this makes marriage sound like work and no play. "What about passion and romance?" they challenge. "Why talk about giving? Couples should just relax, enjoy each other, and have a good time!"

Infatuation, chemistry, romance, and having a good time, are all very well and good, but are much more important during the dating process than in marriage (Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman, We Can Work It Out, p. 21). Married couples need to weather uncomfortable and unpleasant times that sometimes last for weeks or months. They must deal constructively with day-to-day responsibilities, raise children, and resolve tensions and problems. The success or failure of most marriages has little to do with having a good time. In fact, the major reasons for divorce are poor communication and inability to resolve conflicts, especially about money and intimacy (Ibid., p. 56).

Good marriages are accomplished through hard work: they don't just happen. While excitement and infatuation start with "magic," romance and love only continue when couples work on their relationship. People who don't know how to deal with the rough spots of marriage will not be able to keep loving feelings alive.

Since giving helps sustain love, it's important to marry someone who can receive what we have to give. That way, even when times are rough, we can still create love.

The Biblical story of Jacob and Rachel highlights this. Jacob agreed to work for seven years for Rachel's hand in marriage (Genesis 29:18), and those years seemed like only a few days to him because he loved her so dearly (Ibid. 29:20).

We would expect a couple who is deeply in love to want to marry as soon as possible. Every day apart seems like an eternity of delayed gratification. The time flew by for Jacob because everything he did was for Rachel's sake, not for his own. He loved her so much that his own needs were of little concern, and he devoted himself to taking care of her. His pleasure came from making her happy, rather than from gratifying himself, so he wasn't frustrated waiting years for her to be his wife.

SUMMARY

When God created the first person, He said:

"It is not good for a person to be alone." (Genesis 2:18)

The Zohar even says, "A man is not called a man until he unites with a woman in marriage" (on Genesis 5:2).

True giving and fulfillment only come by contributing meaningfully to a partner (and children) in marriage. Someone who refuses to marry lives by himself and for himself. When marriage is a labor of love with mutual giving, a couple's union is greater than the sum of their parts (Kohelet Rabbah 4).

When we love someone in order to gratify ourselves, we stop needing the person as soon as our wants are satisfied (Mishnah Avot 5:19-20). In addition, we degrade people by seeing them as objects who serve us. The real purpose of marriage is to enable us to exercise our Divine image and help a partner do the same.

Singles should ask what they expect to contribute and receive from a spouse, and should assess how realistic that expectation is. Next, they should work on improving themselves and on becoming the kind of person that their intended partner will want. Finally, they need to prepare themselves in order to contribute what such a partner will expect.

Click here to purchase a copy of "Guide for the Romantically Perplexed" by Lisa Aiken, Ph.D., Devora Publishing.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Dr. Lisa Aiken has been a psychologist who works with individuals and couples for nearly 40 years. She has authored and co-authored 11 books on a variety of Jewish topics, including Guide for the Romantically Perplexed. She has also given talks to diverse audiences in more than 250 cities on six continents.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 18

(18)
Anonymous,
August 6, 2017 5:20 PM

Brilliant!

Informative words of wisdom brilliantly written to help create and sustain everlasting LOVE.

(17)
Anonymous,
August 6, 2017 2:59 PM

Amazingly written

Beautifully written with amazing insight!!! Thank you!!!

(16)
Gunther,
August 6, 2017 1:57 PM

Trial and error

No matter how much advice and lessons you get from other people, you are still going to have to learn about getting along with your partner, the old fashioned way and that is through trial and error.

(15)
shakti,
January 22, 2015 7:41 AM

What an article ...a much much needed one. Thank you Lise :-*:-*

(14)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2014 9:38 AM

This is such a realistic article to read and I'm so pleased to have had the opportunity to digest what it entails. Being single is not easy especially when you are surrounded by a selfish hypocritical judgemental society. However You are so right to say that we need to first love and appreciate ourselves first before we are ready to commit to another person. Marriagge should only matter is we think that we need another person to fulfill our needs but if we are contented with our lives as it is and we do have other interests in life and do not feel the void... that itself should be sufficient being single...xx

(13)
chozen,
June 18, 2013 3:48 PM

marriage

I use to think that marrige was about just about making me happy or complete. I thought it was all about me i am blessed and greatfull for this article to bring understanding on what marrige truly is. We fail so many times because of no preperation and no knowlege of what marrige is god bless you mrs lisa.

(12)
Yael,
March 15, 2013 3:46 AM

Anyone know a good therapist?

This is a great article, gave me a lot to think about. I think i may benefit from seeing a therapist, anyone know a good female therapist in NY area?

(11)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2011 4:31 PM

Agreed plus some

I agree with this view of love and marriage. I feel like I learned something new by reading it as well. The part that strikes me as the most true yet the most lied about in society (either on purpose or subliminally) is the idea that love requires work and effort. We ARE NOT victims of our emotions and the idea that 'falling in love' just happens to you limits your power which is not what God would want. We are created by Him and because we can choose we can assume that having the ability to choose is a part of His will. He wants us to choose and work out our happiness with the ability to choose that he has given us. He will always be inclined to help as much as we will let him because He does love us (which is work on His part too) but if we are to be like him we need to love as a choice. The opposite choice is to hate and anything choice in between has a magnitude in one direction or the other. I endorse much if not all of this excerpt (not that I have a PH D or anything) and encourage everyone to consider this council. I am not Jewish like the author but feel that there is a lot of truth in what this excerpt has to say.

thanks for this article. we are living in times where young people are not prepared for marriage... we need more of this to help people preparing to be married be prepared, just like Esther in the bible was prepared to meet the king...

(8)
elbert 400M,
June 4, 2004 12:00 AM

This is so great!

Dear Lisa, you deserve a great honor for this article, it's really enriched me alot.

May the Lord Almighty bless you.
elbert 400.M.

(7)
Anonymous,
September 24, 2003 12:00 AM

Realistic

Lisa, this is an excellent article. Finally some realistic advice about marriage. Every rabbi should give it couples who are planning to get married. On several occassions I've said to people who were engaged that they should make sure they can talk to their fiance about money, as it's one of the major sources of conflict in a marriage. They look at me with surprise as if they didn't know. Thank you

(6)
Anonymous,
September 13, 2003 12:00 AM

Thanks so much!

What a wonderful article this was. I have been told something similar to this article before. I really didnt think much about it before but now that i'm very interested in someone i totaly see your overall point. I will be praying for our Lord's guidence in all of this. Thank you so much for bring this article to light.

(5)
Lilia M. Chavarria,
September 10, 2003 12:00 AM

Thanks

Thank you Lisa, this article is of great help, not only for couples to be but for couples who have been married for few or many years as well.

BIG THANKS

SHALOM

Lilia

(4)
Lia,
September 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Great Article

Lisa, I'm very impressed with your article. You are a great writer and a very wise person. I was at your house for Shabbos in March and just got married, with the help of what I've learned from you and other wise women in Jerusalem. I wish you the of luck with this book and all of your projects.

(3)
Antonio Perez,
September 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Preparing Yourself For Marriage: A Mature Approach

I really enjoyed this article because it gave a mature approach to marriage. How many unhappy divorces could be avoided if one approached the marriage commitment in the attitude displayed in this article.

I find this article very useful in my life and if God wills that one day I will be married, I will apply what is contained in this article to my life and marriage choices.

Thank you very much.

(2)
Jon Strauss,
September 3, 2003 12:00 AM

Lisa: Another fine job. - Jon

Lisa: Another fine job. - Jon

(1)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2003 12:00 AM

Eye Opener

Saying thank you doesn't seem to be enough for this excellent, eye opening and life changing article. I am VERY grateful for the principles brought up. This is a must book to have in my library. Thank you

I have had a very difficult life, beset by illness, unemployment, and disappointment from those who had pledged to care for me. I am having trouble seeing the benevolent God in all this. What do you say, rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult times that you have had to endure. The trials that you have gone through no doubt have obviously made your relationship to God a difficult one. I can understand why.

As a rabbi, I have witnessed the most horrendous situations imaginable. I have experienced a 20-year-old who lost both of her parents in a car crash. Can you imagine a girl so close to her parents and in one day they're gone? I've lived through a husband coming home to find that his wife has collapsed, and in two days she's dead. There was nothing wrong with her before. And on and on and on.

When someone is in the midst of suffering, that's not the time to offer answers. It's a time to listen and empathize and be with the person as best you can. If there's anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.

Dealing with pain and suffering is never easy, particularly since we often feel so helpless and out of control. But one thing we do have control over and that is our attitude. Try to stick to this 3-part formula:

1) Look for the positive side to things.

2) Try not to judge God, Who knows more than we do.

3) Ask God for the clarity to understand how this is for the best.

Our perceptions of good and evil are directly related to our understanding of the world. An African tribesman who never saw a hypodermic syringe in his life could think upon seeing a doctor inoculate a child that the doctor was actually trying to hurt the child! Our perceptions change with information.

Therefore the Jewish approach to "suffering" is that everything happens for the good, but since we are finite and cannot see the whole picture, we perceive some things as bad.

God has more information than we do; thus we cannot judge Him and say He is doing something bad. We trust God and say, "I haven't yet figured out why, but God knows this is for the best."

The Talmud tells the story of Rebbe Akiva who was traveling on the road late one night. His only source of light, a candle, blew out; his mode of transportation, a donkey, ran away; and his only source of food, a chicken, died. The next morning Rebbe Akiva realized that armed bandits had plundered everything in the area. Had they seen his candle, or heard his chicken or donkey, they would have victimized him as well.

We can accept pain and suffering in the world by trying to see what positive side it may have. For example, a woman whose child was killed by a drunk driver went out and started MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This organization was responsible for revolutionizing the laws against drunk driving in America, and as a result has surely saved thousands of lives. It could be said that the purpose of this child was to elevate his mother to the towering heights of greatness that she indeed achieved as a result of the tragedy.

Of course it is not always easy to find the positive side. But even the attempt helps tremendously. It is interesting that if we look back on our own lives, the times we have grown the most are not when things have gone easy, but when they've been difficult. So many times what appears as "bad" or "negative" ends up being a blessing. A person could lose their job, for example, only to realize later that was the opportunity they needed to break into a growing, new field!

In the meanwhile, we have invested so much time and energy into worrying or regretting - all for nothing and all to our detriment. It is wise to remember that worry is defined as "interest paid in advance on a debt which often times never comes due." So when we are having problems, we can ask ourselves, "What have I learned or gained?"

Also, there are two excellent books I can recommend: "Why me, God?" by Lisa Aiken (published by Aaronson), and "Confronting the Loss of a Baby," by Yamin Levy (Ktav).

In 1973, a cease-fire resolution was passed by the U.N. Security Council to halt the Yom Kippur War. Shuttle diplomacy by Henry Kissinger compelled Israel and Egypt to accept the cease-fire. Fighting, however, would continue for another four days. In the war, Israel suffered the loss of 2,600 soldiers and 800 tanks. Four years later, Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat would visit Jerusalem and announce his readiness to forge a permanent peace deal.

I told a group of people to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" five minutes each day for a month. Some of the results were:

* "At first I found it difficult to keep this up. This gave me a jolt. The Creator is giving me life each moment of each day and He gives me the air I breathe. Why is it so hard for me to express my gratitude? This self-rebuke gave me a strong feeling of motivation. I was committed to use the power of repeating messages to myself to build up this gratitude.

* "I realized that I would only be able to repeat this for five minutes at a time if I would sing it with a tune. So I would sing this five minutes each day. It became my favorite song.

* "The first day when I heard this, I found myself having to wait for something to start. I began to feel frustrated. Then I said to myself, ‘This is a perfect time to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" for five minutes.' It totally transformed the waiting into an uplifting experience. Throughout the month, I chose potentially frustrating moments to practice this. After a while, the stirrings of feelings of frustration became a trigger to begin my exercise."

* "Someone saw me smiling while I was waiting in line at my local supermarket. He asked me if anything special is going on in my life. "There are a lot of special things that I'm beginning to become more aware of," I replied.

* "By repeating, ‘I am grateful to my Creator,' I began to realize that everyone who is kind to me in any way was sent to me by my Creator. I increased my gratitude towards those people and I increased my gratitude to the Creator of it all."

May He Who knows what is hidden accept our call for help and listen to our cry (Siddur).

The Talmud states that a person may be coerced to perform a mitzvah even if it is required that the mitzvah be done of one's own volition (Rosh Hashanah 6a).

But are not coercion and volition mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, explains Rambam. Inasmuch as the soul of the Jew intrinsically wishes to do the Divine will, and it is only the physical self - which is subject to temptation - that may be resistive, the coercion inflicted upon the person overcomes that external resistance. Thus, when one performs the mitzvah, it is with the full volition of the inner self, the true self, for at his core, every Jew wishes to comply with the mandates of the Torah.

There is a hidden part of us, to which we may have limited access, yet we know it is there. When we pray for our needs, said Rabbi Uri of Strelisk, we generally ask only for that which we feel ourselves to be lacking. However, we must also recognize that our soul has spiritual needs, and that we may not be aware of its cravings.

We therefore pray, said Rabbi Uri, that God should listen not only to the requests that we verbalize, but also to our hidden needs that are very important to us - but which He knows much better than we.

Today I shall...

try to realize that there is a part of me of which I am only vaguely aware. I must try to get to know that part of myself, because it is my very essence.

With stories and insights,
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