I’m amused by today’s question for two reasons. One, because I think I have a pretty typical answer and two, because I was just thinking yesterday on the way home who I would be without this person. The person I’d say brings out the best in me is my husband. (Yes, yes, moan groan smooching noises.)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for three. To put that into perspective, I turned 30 this year. Both of us have had time to become completely different people with new perspectives and insights. And, yes, at the beginning, neither of us thought we would be together this long. At that point, I hadn’t had a relationship that lasted more than six months. He had already been married and divorced. Yet, here we are today.

To talk about why my husband brings out the best in me, I should mention who I would be if he wasn’t in my life. There are superficial changes, like probably having difficult-to-control smoking and drinking habits. I would be living off quesadillas, canned collards and apples because I wouldn’t bother to cook proper meals for myself. I would treat my cat more like my child than I already do. But on a deeper level, I would be a lonelier person, someone who rarely spoke or made much effort to connect with people. I would take more risks, like taking late night walks at 2:45am or being more aggressive about learning how to surf, especially if the waters were dangerous and the waves too high. Being reckless would probably also contribute to feeling less safe; I would amass a wicked collection of knives.

With all of that said, don’t think that my husband is all that’s between me and emotional anarchy. Marriage is about more than being disciplinarians for one another. I’ve had someone I love next to me in all of my decisions and changes for 10 years, so far for most of my adult life. That very fact amazes me constantly. I keep wanting to quantify what that means because all love is different. Anyone could object Well, members of your birth family have been with you longer. And more than one person can change your perspective. All of that is true, so let me share a quick story, because I’m losing my words.

We were walking around in Warrenton recently and we passed a school in the downtown area. This school had been around since 1936 and the building and surrounding grounds were well-kept. At the edge of the property was a stone wall and a tree. Both of them had been there so long that the tree had grown around the wall, molding itself to the straight edges. I took a picture of it.

Wall and Tree

I stood there for a bit, just looking at it and thinking about union. This is why I think my husband brings out the best in me. For all the moments he actively encourages me or asks me to consider some other point, he also lets me be myself. And I, confidant of his support, am not afraid of the difficulties in my life or worry too much about how I may fail. We grow together, glad for what the other brings to our life.