CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 A.M. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 A.M. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up Finally, at 5:00 A.M. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .

Peter, Peter, something or other.."

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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

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Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.

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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

Shawn

06-29-2008, 09:15 PM

Funny stuff.

:lol:

AngryAsian

07-01-2008, 11:53 AM

The Tarzan one is a classic, but I heard with an Indian Chief in a whore house.

Bengaltime

07-01-2008, 04:55 PM

Good ones NKY!

birtikidis

07-01-2008, 09:59 PM

Bengal it's bad enough you have one freak in your picture why do you have two!?!

RuthlessBurgher

07-01-2008, 10:19 PM

Bengal it's bad enough you have one freak in your picture why do you have two!?!

Ocho and Flav...separated at birth. YEAH, BOYEEEEEEE!!!

BigLebowski

07-20-2008, 11:21 AM

Quite humorous, you would think I would've heard some of these by now. :oops:

My wife loved them too, she printed them out and took them to work.

buckeyehoppy

07-20-2008, 01:15 PM

...and a few Andrew Dice Clay nursery rhymes. It was the only time he was ever funny in his career.

Mother Hubbard Rhyme

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the b!tch got a bone of her own!

Here's some drug related rhymes that didn't come from Cheech and Chong:

Roll roll roll a joint
Twist it at the ends
Light it up and take a puff
And pass it to your friends :lol:

And now the flipside

I love drugs.
drugs love me.
cocaine, crack and ecstasy.
with a sniff sniff here,
and a sniff sniff there,
now I'm in intensive care. :(

buckeyehoppy

07-20-2008, 03:26 PM

More "fun" from the "Diceman" Oh!

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
A lightbulb was stuck up her @$$.
It woke up the spider
Who lived deep inside her.
He said "Hey, free electric and gas."

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Whacked off in the movie theater.
Sprayed his load across the screen
And ruined Titanic's final scene

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
That f---in' whore.

Patty cake, patty cake,
Baker's man
If your chick's on her period
F--- her in the can.

If he could have done something more, he wouldn't have been typecast. A friend of mine saw him last year at a club in Cleveland and the audience only wanted to hear the nursery rhymes because his new stuff was going nowhere.