W A R N I N G
THIS IS AN ANIME FANFIC, AND MAY CAUSE THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS....
* INCIPIENT EPILEPSY (ALSO KNOWN AS POKEMON SYNDROME)
* SPONTANEOUS COPULATORY PRACTICES
* SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION
* RITUAL BEHEADING
* CULT EXTREMISM
* A LOWERING IN THE VALUE OF THE DOLLAR
* EARTHQUAKES IN INDONESIA
* AN OUTBREAK OF EBOLA
* CORPORATE FRAUD
* NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST
* RERUNS OF PROFILER
* SPICE GIRLS (EEWWWWW)
* SUBSIDENCE OWING TO PLAGUES OF MICE
* POLITICAL JOKES (THEY GET ELECTED)
* FURTHER CHAPTERS OF "WAITING FOR MINAKO"
* THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE (SEE CORPORATE FRAUD)
This warning was brought to you by the International Association of
Journalists in the interests of perpetuating rampant bullshit to
justify its existence.
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Sailor Python's
FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME (Mark A Page)
Disclaimer - Sailormoon is owned by a manga artist, who lives in
Japan and goes by the name of Takeuchi Naoko. Isn't that nice ^_^.
There is, also, a collection of corporate goons who have a stake
in the existence of this title.
I sincerely hope these people don't sue me for this. They may find
their efforts to be financially unrewarding, as I am nothing more
than a poor little Aussie manic-depressive with nothing better to do
than to wreck other peoples' ideas.
But at least I don't want Naoko to admit that I write a better
Sailormoon story than she can. ^_^
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YES!! WITH THE HOPE OF MAKING THIS FANFIC INTERACTIVE, I'M
INVITING ALL READERS TO "S P O T T H E L O O N Y".
SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THIS FANFIC ARE VARIOUS NORMAL PEOPLE, AND
ONE TOTAL AND UTTER LOONY. ALL YOU, THE READER, HAVE TO DO IS
"S P O T T H E L O O N Y"
PLEASE MAIL ALL ANSWERS TO....
ayanami@merlin.net.au
THE WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED IN PART 4. YOU DON'T GET A PRIZE,
BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN SAY YOU'VE ENDURED THIS FANFIC THUS FAR.
^_^
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What Has Gone Before
After persuading Ayanami to take her to meet the Small Lady in the
hope of gaining information, Jyoserin has endured the tender
ministrations of the Guardian of Time and found herself in Crystal
Tokyo. But before she can get into the Main Palace, she comes face
to face with the Captain of the Guard, Osaka Naru, the girl whose
body Jyoserin possessed in the first place to do her task.
Meanwhile, the effects of the reality breach are getting worse back
in current-day Tokyo. Rei and CereCere are pursuing Minako and
PallaPalla in the hope the deluded pair don't do anything likely to
cause major destruction, Ami is persistently failing to kill
herself, Makoto has lost control of her violent impulses and has
become a dangerously deranged serial killer and worst of all, Usagi
has killed her family and made them into dinner. Now Mamoru is in
danger.... His only hope of rescue from his cannibal girlfriend -
Makoto, who wants to kill him because he reminds her of her long
lost senpai. Things are looking grim all around.
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PLEASE GIVE TO THE "SAVE JEDITE" FUND FOR EX-SAILORMOON VILLAINS,
AND HELP THOSE UNFORTUNATES WHO HAVE APPEARED IN FEWER THAN 20
EPISODES.
Hotaru ^_^;;
"Ano... Did I make it to 20?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
SAILOR DDFA SAYS:
If you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot.
But if you drink, drive and make it home alive, you're a bloody
legend.
(This message was brought to you by the foundation for complete
social irresponsibility)
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And now we return to our normally-scheduled program. In which we
shall present a man with three buttocks....
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PLUTO EMERGES, IN ROYAL GUISE.
"We apologise for the late starting of chapter 3 of this
fanfic. We were hoping Queen Elizabeth would attend the ceremony,
but she was apparently run over by a leather omnibus this morning
and declined the offer. So it is up to me to perform the ceremony."
PLUTO SITS BEHIND STEERING WHEEL OF CHAPTER 3, HOLDING KEYS.
"My husband and I have great pleasure in bringing you chapter
3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus."
SHE TURNS THE KEYS. THE CHAPTER MAKES CHUGGING NOISES, THEN
STOPS. SHE LOOKS AT THE CHAPTER IN SURPRISE, THEN LEANS FORWARD
WITH DETERMINATION.
"My husband and I have great pleasure in bringing you chapter
3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus."
SHE TURNS THE KEYS AGAIN, WITH THE SAME RESULT.
"My husband and I are having great difficulty in bringing you
chapter 3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus..."
SHE TRIES ONE LAST TIME, BUT THE CHAPTER JUST GRINDS TO A
HALT. SHE GETS OUT AND KICKS IT.
"Alright! I warned you! I've told you time and time again!
Well, don't say I didn't so! I'm gonna give you a damned good
thrashing!"
PLUTO LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO HIT THE CHAPTER WITH. SHE
SPIES SOMETHING AND BOUNDS AWAY, RETURNING WITH A LARGE TREE BRANCH
WHICH SHE PROCEEDS TO WHAP AGAINST THE FRONT AND SIDE OF THE
CHAPTER. BEHIND HER, AN ENGLISH POLICE BOBBY MAKES AN APPEARANCE.
"Ello ello ello. What appears to be going on 'ere then?"
PLUTO TURNS TO HIM, LOOKING SHEEPISH, TRYING TO HIDE THE
BRANCH.
"Ah, officer. I appear to be having trouble starting this
chapter."
"Looks more to me like you were tryin' to give it an 'iding,
love. I must say, that's no way to treat a Sailormoon fanfic."
"It is if its this cantankerous beast. Been months since the
last chapter came out."
"Ah, I see. That'd be because of dat damned Usagi is Dead fic
the writer is workin' on. He does get so obsessed about that,
sometimes."
"Hmm... But it doesn't solve the problem with this fic."
"Oh well, lemme see under the bonnet, then."
PLUTO RAISES THE BONNET AND THE BOBBY TAKES A GOOD LOOK
INSIDE. HE NODS AND STANDS UP.
"Well then. It seems to have all the makings of a proper
idea. But I must say, the execution of that idea has been somewhat
tardy. All the same, all the componentry is in the right place. I
wonder what the fuel situation is like."
THE BOBBY OPENS UP THE FUEL CAP AND PEERS INSIDE. HE BACKS
AWAY AS A GHOSTLY FIGURE EMERGES.
"Jeez, it's about time too."
BOTH PLUTO AND THE BOBBY STARE AS ANNO HIDEAKI STEPS OUT OF
THE FUEL TANK AND STARES AROUND.
"Bloody hell.... I know I left that Prozac around here,
somewhere. Here Prozzie Prozzie.... Here boy...."
HE STOMPS OFF IN SEARCH OF A GOOD "USAGI IS DEAD" CHAPTER
(THERE MUST BE ONE, SOMEWHERE). THE BOBBY TURNS TO PLUTO.
"Well, it would seem we have found your problem. Too much
existentialist angst in your fuel tank."
^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^
Sailor Python
Chapter 3
"Spot The Loony"
or
"Where the Buffalo Roam and the Bodycount Rises"
^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^
Osaka Naru sat at her desk in the small office she would often
describe as her own, mostly as this was true. If there was anything
she had learnt on her ascent to the position of Grand Marshal of the
Guard within Crystal Tokyo, it was the power of bribery and
corruption.
"Singis, where is my daily perversion?" She stared at her
manservant, an ugly little troll who seemed to spend most of his
time tormenting small animals in the corner of the room, much to
Naru's great amusement.
After stuffing a traumatised quokka into a wooden box, he
turned to her and bowed in great deference. "I am very very sorry,
Madame, but it hasn't cooled down in the fridge long enough."
"Look, I don't have all day to wait for it. Get it out and
I'll try it on." She stood impatiently, the long robes of her
position sweeping the floor as she stepped around the desk, thus
ceasing the requirement of a cleaner.
There was a knock at the door to her office, and she growled
with frustration. "Can't I get a moment to indulge in my hobbies?
Who is it now?" She stamped over to the door and opened it, to be
confronted with a hideously ugly monster named Umino Gurio. Naru
jumped about three feet at the sight of him.
"Hello, my dawling." He drooled.
"U... Umino-chan...." Naru smiled, nervously. "How can I
help you?"
"I looove you my dawling."
"Steady. Down boy." Naru winced as he leered forward.
"Here, have these. I grew them myself."
"A handful of hair...." Naru took the greasy strands
reluctantly. She turned aside. "Singis, put these in a jar of hair
oil...."
As her manservant took the hair away with disgust, Naru waved
Umino in. "Please, Umino-chan, take a seat."
"Thanks, Naru-chan." He grabbed a seat and ran like heck.
Naru cursed. She had to stop using lines like that. She lost more
furniture that way.... She stepped over to a small sink set in the
side of the office and sterilised the hand that took Umino's hair.
The phone rang on her desk and she answered it. "Listen, you
stupid phone, will you JUST stop calling me?"
"Sorry." It said. She hung up.
"Dammit, I need that perversion and I need it now! I'm
getting really stressed out, here."
"Umm, excuse me, Miss Grand Marshal of the Guard Osaka Naru
your name is...." Naru spun to the newcomer, a senshi private of
her personal guard, who was standing in the doorway.
"What do you want, Private Parts?"
Parts stepped into the office. "Umm, we've had reports that
there is a dangerous person approaching the palace station on the
railcar system. She apparently has one of our agents trapped aboard
the car. On top of that, she has violently assaulted the Guardian
of the Time Gate."
"Whoo, you sound like a plot device."
"Thanks ma'am, I try."
"So who is this violent criminal?"
"We do not know that, ma'am, but she has many great and
mysterious powers that may threaten the stability of the Kingdom."
"What? She prefers butter to margarine?"
"It is a distinct possibility."
Naru paced around her office. "Damn that fiend. It'll be the
end of civilisation as we know it." They both jumped when they
heard an explosion outside the office.
"Wh... What was THAT?" Parts stared at the smoking set of
feet standing some distance from the doorway to the office.
"HOT DAMN! The anti-Mormon device is working after all."
Naru cleared her throat for a moment. "Ahem, its nothing, Private.
Ignore it."
"Umm.. So, what should we do?" Parts looked at her.
"Hmm?"
"What should we do?"
"About what?"
"The criminal."
"What criminal?"
"The criminal that is on the railcar, heading towards the
palace with one of our agents as hostage."
"Oh, that criminal. Well, we have control of the railcar
system. Stop the vehicle when it reaches the Guard Post station.
We'll deal wiv da blighter when she gets here."
Suddenly, the wall to the office crumbled away, and a
Sailorsenshi in a white, purple and black fuku, carrying a large
can opener, came charging in, a psychotic gleam in her eyes.
"OH MY GOD! SATURN'S ON THE LOOSE AGAIN!" Private Parts
cowered in fear. Naru, however, remained calm.
"DINSDALE!" Saturn stared at Naru, who leveled her gaze.
"Saturn! How many times have you been told. Dinsdale is
back in your padded cell."
Saturn held the can opener towards Naru threateningly.
"DINSSSSSSDALE." She hissed.
"Return at once, Saturn. Your quarry awaits you there."
Saturn squinted her eyes, then turned back to the hole in
the wall. "DINSDALE!" She jumped through.
"Kami-sama! Ma'am, you dealt with that well." Parts looked
at Naru for a few moments. Naru shook her head sadly.
"Yes, well... One has to expect this kind of thing with
Saturn. How would you feel if you discovered your mother was also
your sister."
IMAGE - PLUTO HOLDING A PITCHFORK, DRESSED LIKE A COUNTRY HICK,
CHEWING ON A PIECE OF STRAW. SOUNDS OF BANJO MUSIC IN THE
BACKGROUND.
Pluto: we don't like no strangers 'round here.
Private Parts shuddered. "Yes ma'am.... It does bring up all
kinds of strange images.
"Better be careful with what strange images you come up with,
there, Private... things could get nasty otherwise."
IMAGE - NEPTUNE, LYING IN A BATH OF CUSTARD, RECITING HAMLET.
"Yes, I see what you mean." Private Parts nodded.
"Oh, and get a name change.... You're the laughing stock of
the military...." Naru dismissed Private Parts and turned back to
Singis, whose hands needed surgical replacement after touching
Umino's oil-dripping hair. "Now, where is that perversion? I need
it NOW!"
----o
The carriage passed through some of the finest real estate
Crystal Tokyo had to offer. As they moved further and further into
the city, the buildings became more intricate, more elaborate, and
more individual. Whatever this crystalline substance was that the
buildings were made of, it had certainly given the architects more
than a free hand. Varying shapes and styles of 1950's American
utopian futurist gothic buildings, resplendent with vehicles of all
descriptions in the same, neon-splattered and round-edged styles.
It was all so perfect, and occasionally imposing and sinister, that
Jyoserin felt a little swamped by it all, not to mention a little
nauseous.
They flew through stations lined with people, none of whom
batted an eyelid at a carriage that did not stop for them. Either
this was one heck of an express route, or the local populace had
been subjugated enough to simply expect this kind of treatment from
their 'betters'.
Eventually, the carriage entered an underground section, and
began to slow. Jyoserin stared at Ayanami, who appeared
unconcerned. The carriage pulled up at a station, a rather
officious looking one at that. There were senshi galore, lined up
in military fashion, standing alongside the platform. Behind them,
Jyoserin could see an office. As the carriage came to a stop, the
door slid open, and there was silence. Total silence. The senshi
didn't move, didn't bat an eyelid. Neither did Ayanami. Jyoserin
sniffed and wondered if the disease was catching, as she shifted
uncomfortably. She didn't like inexplicable events such as this.
They gave her hives.
"What's happening?" Jyoserin leaned forward, waving a hand in
front of Ayanami's blank eyes in an effort to rouse her from her
silent state. The girl turned to her, unemotionally.
"Shh." She cut Jyoserin to the quick. "This is where we must
meet with the Grand Marshal of the Palace Guard." Jyoserin stared
at her.
"The WHAT!?!?!" She stood, clenching her fists at both sides.
"You never said anything about this. What the hell is going on,
here?"
"Shh... Here she comes." Ayanami stood to attention, staring
out through the windows. Jyoserin followed her gaze.
True to her word, the senshi lining the platform parted like
the waters of the red sea, and Jyoserin felt her throat constrict.
Here was trouble coming.
From the office emerged Osaka Naru, dressed in the full
ceremonial robes of her position. She stared through the windows at
the pair of them, mostly in disbelief in Jyoserin's case. Any
senshi that was vaguely in her way was bowled over by her as she
made her way up to and through the door. In seconds, Jyoserin found
herself leaning back at a painful angle, face to face with the same
face
"And just who the hell do you think YOU are, eh?" Naru
growled in a tone that demanded an immediate, and rather full,
explanation of her very existence within the confines of this
universe, and several of the next, something Jyoserin found she had
trouble answering. Things didn't get any better when Ayanami
decided to add her little piece.
"Officer Ayanami Rei of the Royal Secret Service, ma'am."
Naru turned and stared into Ayanami's eyes with the same level of
vicious contempt she had shown Jyoserin. The blue-haired girl
sweatdropped as she continued under the atomic gaze. "This
person... is a being of great power... who has possessed your
younger body in an attempt... to destroy Crystal Tokyo."
Jyoserin turned to her in disbelief. "What did you SAY?"
"Aha!" Naru smiled, standing up and crossing her arms. "So,
you thought you could destroy this place of perfection with your
evil presence, did you? In MY body, no less. You thought you
would be able to get away with all kinds of atrocities as long as
you did them in MY image."
"NO!" Jyoserin looked from Naru to Ayanami, angrily. "I
mean..."
"Don't try and explain to me your actions. It is our duty as
soldiers of Crystal Tokyo to defend the city against the likes of
you."
"But I haven't done anything."
"You haven't done anything? What about Sailorpluto, eh?
They're still scraping her out from underneath that giant weight
you dropped on top of her."
Jyoserin shifted on her feet. "Oh, that. Sorry."
"Sorry? Sorry? Do you know how much it will cost to put her
back together again? And all you've got to say is 'sorry'?"
"At least we can make fun of her whilst she is recuperating.
Ask her why she didn't see it coming and all that...." Ayanami was
quickly put in her place by a look from Naru.
"Guards!" Naru growled. Several of the Palace Guard entered
the railcar, weapons at the ready. "Take her to the cells. We
shall report this to her highness, the Queen serenity, straight
away."
Jyoserin turned to Ayanami and clenched her teeth. "Turncoat.
You were just waiting your opportunity, weren't you?"
Ayanami stared at her. Something that went on for about
twenty minutes as everyone became mesmerised by her red eyes.
Jyoserin shook her head, breaking the spell of the master hypnotist.
"Very well, if that is how it is going to be, I shall take you
all on." Jyoserin snapped her fingers, and great rushes of air
surrounded her. Naru and the Palace Guards stood back in surprise
as crackles of energy emerged from her fingers.
Something that was stopped in its tracks when Ayanami bopped
her one over the head with a mallet.
As Jyoserin sank to the floor, Ayanami smiled sweetly.
"Always wanted to do that. Life can be so dull when you're trapped
in a series devoid of mallets...." She stretched. "Ah, it's so
cathartic, I tell you."
"Thankyou, officer Ayanami." Naru smiled. Ayanami placed the
mallet back in its pocket dimension and saluted.
"Excuse me, ma'am, I must report these developments to my
superior."
Naru gestured to the doorway. "Then do so with much
expedition." She turned to her officers. "Men.... I mean
women.... I mean... Soldiers, take the prisoner to the holding
cells, immediately! I have a perversion to return to!"
As Naru returned to her office, Jyoserin was dragged away by a
pair of senshi as the others started to hum "La Soldier".
----o
"Shouldn't we call the police?" Usagi looked up at Mamoru,
wondering how he would turn out if done medium-rare. Mamoru had
been pacing the kitchen as Usagi put away the dinner she had made
for the pair of them.
"That might be a problem, Usako. For you."
"For me?" Usagi blinked.
"The only person who we know was IN the house.... Is you."
"But I was washing the flour out of my...."
"Yes yes yes.... I believe you when you say that.... But the
police won't see it that way...." Mamoru stared at her, crossing
his arms.
"So... What are you saying? We don't call the police? Mamo-
chan, someone has just murdered my family!" And they were
delicious, she thought. Says something for good breeding.
"No! I'm not saying that! Dammit, Usagi, I need to think."
He shook his head. "But I'm telling you, they'll suspect you, first
of all."
Usagi sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table, placing her
hands over her face. "Oh Kami! What am I going to do? Mama and
Papa.... And Shingo, too.... What am I going to do...."
Mamoru decided Usagi was on the verge of tears, and stepped
over to comfort her.
The front door exploded, and they jumped clean across the
room. "What the hell was THAT?" Usagi said, wide-eyed.
"CHIIIIIIIIBA MAMORUUUUUUUUU!"
"Umm..." Mamoru clenched Usagi?s shoulder. "I think Makoto
has just arrived."
"Oh.... She sounds upset." Usagi scratched her head. "Maybe
she found out I ate her family."
"What did you say?" Mamoru stared at Usagi, incredulously.
Usagi did a double-take.
"Oh, sorry, I mean.... I don't know what I mean. Oh no, my
family are all dead. Boohoohoo...." Usagi threw her face into her
hands. Mamoru was torn between comforting her and 'welcoming'
Makoto.
"CHIIIIIIIIBA MAMORUUUUUUUUU! YOU BASTAAAAAAAARD! STOP
LOOKING LIKE MY LONG LOST SEMPAI! I DEMAND IT. IF YOU DON'T, I'M
GONNA HAFTA SPREAD YOU LIKE A FINE PASTE ACROSS THE WALLS OF THIS
HOUSE! Oh my Kami! Usagi, your family.... Oh Kami!"
"I think she's walked past the laundry...." Mamoru shook his
head and turned to Usagi, who had suddenly gone from her hysterics
to testing the blade of a large kitchen knife near the sink.
"Usagi.... What are you doing with that?"
"Oh.... I just thought it might be handy.... Mako-chan
sounds kinda pissed off."
"Oh, there you are." Makoto entered the kitchen. "Oh Kami,
that's so horrible. Usagi, you poor BITCH! HOW DARE YOU HAVE A
FUCKING BOYFRIEND AND FLAUNT HIM IN FRONT OF US! AND HE LOOKS LIKE
MY LONG LOST SEMPAI! WHY I OUGHTA comfort you in this time of
grief. Have you called the police yet? COS IF YOU HAVEN'T, I'LL
SMASH YOUR FUCKIN' HEADS IN!"
Mamoru put his hands up, noticing that Makoto was sweating
profusely, her face changing its expression along with her voice.
"Th... That's alright, Makoto.... We... uh... we were just
discussing how to handle this."
"Discussing? What is there to discuss? Usagi's family has
just been murdered THE LITTLE SHITHEADS. NEVER LIKED THEM, ANYWAY.
WOULD HAVE DONE IT MYSELF HAD IT NOT BEEN for that horrible person
who committed this atrocious act BEFORE ME. Oh Usagi-chan...."
Makoto stepped forward, reaching out for Usagi, who was sizing up
Makoto's overwhelming chest measurements for breast fillets.
"WHOA!" Makoto remarked as she held Usagi's shoulders at arm's
length. "THAT'S ONE COOL KNIFE YOU HAVE THERE."
"Thanks, I have a set of them." Usagi smiled. "Would you
like to see them?"
"See them?" Makoto frowned. "Usagi, your family have been
murdered. OF COURSE I WANT TO SEE THEM, BITCH!" Makoto pushed
Usagi back and grabbed the knife from her hand. She stared into the
blade as light glimmered from its clean, metallic surface. "WHOO.
THIS IS SOOOO PRETTY. ALL THE BETTER TO KILL WITH."
"Yes. It fillets bodies very well." Usagi turned and opened
a kitchen drawer, taking out a selection of similar knives. Mamoru
looked from one to the next, jaw hanging open.
"What the hell.... What is wrong with you two?" He stepped
alongside Usagi, taking her arm. "Usako... You're acting strange.
What has happened to you?"
"I'm acting strange?" Usagi blinked at him, then looked down
at the knives in her hand. With a cry, she dropped them, throwing
her hands to her face. "What... What am I DOING?"
"YOU BASTARD!" Makoto pushed Mamoru back against the wall,
holding the knife she had taken from Usagi against his throat. "YOU
MADE HER DROP ALL THOSE NICE, SHINY KILLING IMPLEMENTS and made her
all upset in her time of grief. How could you, you KNIFE CUSHION!
PREPARE TO DIE FOR YOUR CRIMES!"
Mamoru swallowed. "I'm sorry.... I won't do it again."
"What am I doing?" Usagi whimpered. "I should be preparing
Makoto for dinner." Makoto turned to Usagi.
"What? What did you say?" With Makoto distracted, Mamoru
managed to push her away and brush between the pair of insane young
women, heading towards the kitchen door. Usagi and Makoto watched
him as he turned to face them.
"The both of you are sick.... I'm calling the police. With
any luck, you'll get the help you need."
"The police." Usagi clapped her hands together, smiling. "Oh
goodie. More people for dinner."
"Usako..." Mamoru swallowed, then turned and ran from the
kitchen. The two girls listened as his footsteps disappeared, then
looked at each other.
"What's wrong with him?" Makoto thumbed in his direction,
something clicking inside her brain. Usagi shrugged.
"I don't know. He gets so emotional, sometimes."
----o
In the streets of Tokyo, in the late 20th century, chaos was
about to ensue.
Along the busy street, two young girls were wandering, side by
side, their eyes darting around in wonderment at their surroundings.
Sometimes, big nasty things called cars would pass by, so they had
to call their eyes back, but apart from that, it was like they were
seeing the world for the first time.
"Gee." Minako pondered as they came to a dead stop. "The
rice porridge is wonderful this time of the year."
"Pallapalla likes rice porridge. It tastes better than the
crap JunJun cooks." The blue haired girl started to twirl and dance
on the street corner where they had paused, bowling over a couple of
pedestrians. Minako looked at the figures, rolling over the
pavement in pain, and giggled.
"It hurts to be a horse."
"Pallapalla don't like horses. They too big and need lots of
food. Not good on budget." Pallapalla came to a dead stop, placing
a finger to her lips. "Pallapalla not understand what budgets are
about, anyway. Pallapalla thinks budgets are no fun."
"May the light shine forever on the moneys of the world."
Minako held her arms to the sky. By this stage, the pair had just
about gained a small audience. Minako suddenly jumped and pointed
at them all. "Yet the people of this place wonder whether money is
all it is cracked up to be."
"Pallapalla likes an audience. Lots of people to play with.
Say ahh." And with that, several cueballs appeared around the blue-
haired girl, and with a twirl of her fingers, so did a pool cue. In
seconds, she had the crowd either running for their lives, or on the
ground after being brained by a flying poolball. Minako laughed as
she pointed out new targets for Palla.
"Pallapalla like this game." The girl giggled, sending off
another volley.
----o
"Ataaa...." Ceres winced as she watched the crowd being mowed
down by her compatriot. "I knew something like this would happen.
"Then wipe that smile off your face." Mars clipped her one
over the back of the head as she leaned against the roof railing of
the building. Ceres huffed, putting a hand to her head.
"Oi! Be careful! Do you know how much effort it takes to get
one's hair in this style?"
"No, and I couldn't much care, either." Mars sighed. "What
are we going to do? Fight them?"
"What? Fight Pallapalla in one of THOSE moods? Get a life."
"Got one."
"Well, fine, then. But don't blame me if she kills someone.
Which is looking ever more likely." Ceres leaned over to Mars.
"With the help of YOUR friend."
"MY friend, as it so happen, is not in her right mind at the
moment." Mars simmered.
"Oh, and what mind is she in, then?" Ceres cracked her
knuckles. "Anyway, if you aren't going to do something about it, I
will." And with that, Ceres leapt from the top of the building.
Mars put out a hand, as if about to tell her to stop, then placed
the hand over her face, shaking her head.
"I should NOT have gotten out of bed this morning. I should
have kept on dreaming about shagging Mamoru.... Honestly...."
----o
"An enemy, using the body of the Captain of the Guard?" Queen
Serenity leaned back in her seat, staring along the table at which
she was eating with two of her advisors. Both of the advisors
stared at Ayanami as she nodded.
"Yes, your majesty. But I believe there to be more to this
than meets the eye." Ayanami strolled to the other side of
Serenity's chair and lowered herself to the Queen's ear for effect.
"This may be an organised attack upon our history. There have been
many dark waves in the interdimensional fabric of the late 20th
century."
"Whatever that means." Serenity blinked. "It certainly
sounds painful."
"That's not the half of it." Ayanami threw her arms in the
air, swatting one of the advisors in the face. "All these waves are
doing a mischief on my complexion. I mean, you try and live in the
late 20th century with skin as pale as mine. I keep breaking out in
blisters and all sorts."
"Well, it wouldn't happen if you didn't spend all day standing
in the sun, staring into space, now would it?" Serenity waved at
her. Ayanami hit a fist into the palm of her other hand.
"So that's where I've been going wrong. And I thought it was
just the air. There is so much pollution back into old Tokyo."
"Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy." Serenity
smiled, then held up a small tube. "Here, take this."
Ayanami did, and opened the cap, smelling the contents. "What
is it? It smells awful."
"SPF 30+ sunscreen, made especially for girls with light blue
hair, as tested by PallaPalla."
IMAGE - PALLAPALLA SITTING NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF A WHITE ROOM,
COMPLETELY SMOTHERED IN THE SUNSCREEN. SHE DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY.
PallaPalla: PallaPalla hate smelly sunscreens! PallaPalla want to
commit genocide with extreme prejudice for this!
Ayanami raised an eyebrow. "This will really cramp down on my
social life." She paused. "Not that I have much of a social life,
but this shall certainly not improve things."
"Suffer, pleb." Serenity snorted, then managed to recompose
her dignified air. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to put it that way.
Maybe. Now, about these horrible, naughty waves of energy...."
"Hmm?" Ayanami stared at her as she replaced the tube's cap.
"You know, these dark waves of energy that threaten the fabric
of the universe, or something of that nature." Serenity screwed up
her nose. "I never was much good at the technical details." Just
as one of her advisors was about to say something, she shot him with
a .38 special, throwing a hand in the air. "Damn, that felt good."
"Your majesty.... You've just killed one of your advisors."
Ayanami stared at the man's slumped body with boggled eyes.
Serenity blinked, then put a hand behind her head, giggling.
"Oops, silly me.... I thought it was Nicholas Parsons. Well,
he can't have had anything important to say. My advisors never do.
So, about these dark waves of energy...."
"Ah, yes..." Ayanami swallowed. "These waves of energy....
I've been detecting them for some time. It is just possible that
our history is being manipulated by forces from another dimension."
"Those big meanies!" Serenity huffed. "And I suppose this
Ronaldite person has something to do with this?"
Ayanami frowned. "But I haven't mentioned Ronaldite."
"Oops... Getting ahead of myself, there. Tell me about
Ronaldite." Serenity put away the .38 special and crossed her arms
in front of her, waiting for Ayanami to start telling her the story.
Ayanami looked at her, dubiously.
"Well, uh.... He was this weird clown figure.... And he
attacked both myself and the being that is inhabiting the body of
Osaka Naru.... I can't really explain much more than that.... He
could be from a rival faction of these dark forces."
"Sounds rather amusing to me. I'd like to meet this Ronaldite
person." Serenity turned to her sole surviving advisor. "Can you
arrange that for me?" The advisor started to mumble something,
holding his hands in the air, helplessly, before Serenity blew out
his brains with the .38 special. "Too slow. Damn, I'm in good
form, today." She turned back to the now very much nervous Ayanami.
"Whatever the case, I have arranged for this.... enemy of ours....
to be placed on trial."
"On trial, your majesty? May I ask in whose court?"
"The court of Mars. The case for the prosecution shall be
handled by Venus." Serenity tossed the .38 special aside, which
went off, missing an aged-looking Luna by inches, the cat collapsing
with an apoplexy. "Dammit Luna, why don't you watch what you're
doing!" Serenity shook her head. "Cats these days.... They're all
so full of themselves."
Ayanami was lost in thought. "The court of Mars, eh?" She
rubbed her chin. "Considering some of the sentences handed down by
her, I'd be surprised if the Captain of the Guard doesn't disappear
as a time anomaly."
"Anomaly, she would." Serenity nodded, then pointed to her
meal. "Would you like to join me? The chef has prepared his best
dish." Ayanami stared down at Serenity's plate. A wriggling,
jelly-like thing, surrounded by roast potatoes, peas and carrots,
was trying to slime its way from the plate. Ayanami swallowed and
shook her head.
"I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me. I have things to
arrange." She bowed to Serenity and left the room, quickly.
Serenity watched her go, then turned back to her dead advisors.
"....Ah well. Now where was I? Oh yes. And I said to
Endymion.... 'Listen, if you DARE wear that green cardigan again,
it'll be the scrotum clamps again'. Well, as you know, he isn't so
hot on those...."
----o
The next thing Jyoserin knew, she was lying in the middle of a
dark, bare cell. Her head was thumping with pain, and as she sat up
from the cold, hard cement floor, the world seemed to do a couple of
cartwheels. "What the fuck...." She muttered as she clutched her
head, closing her eyes and trying to regain some modicum of
composure.
"So, you're awake at last." Said the soft voice from one of
the corners of the cell. Jyoserin opened her eyes, and was just
able to see a small, dark figure. Unable to ascertain who, or what,
the figure was, Jyoserin crawled to the opposite corner and turned,
watching the figure carefully.
"Who... are you? Where am I?" Jyoserin swallowed as the
figure shifted, uncomfortably.
"Those are... very good questions. It has been so long, now,
that it is hard for me to remember." The figure's voice trailed
away, as if lost in some dim, distant memory.
"Is this a prison cell?" Jyoserin looked around, trying to
find the source of the light. She looked up at the grille in what
had to have been a door, through which small shafts of light could
be seen. The figure chuckled after several moments.
"Well, I wouldn't call this home. Even though it has been
home for me for quite some time." The figure shifted again. "So
long ago, now, I cannot even remember what it is that I had done, to
put me in this dark hellhole. Alone." The figure chuckled again.
"I've had a few visitors in my time, though, like yourself."
"Oh? What happened to them?" Jyoserin turned with annoyance
as the sound of dripping water rang loudly through the cell. The
figure also turned to the source of the noise.
"There are pipes, running along the ceiling of the cell. They
leak whenever they are used. Someone is probably getting the water
hose treatment in the interrogation block." He seemed to shrug. "I
hope you never have to suffer the indignities that this place metes
out to its residents."
Jyoserin swallowed. "Have you?" The figure laughed out loud.
"Oh, my dear.... They would never DREAM of doing such things
to me. For a start, simply having me out of this cell risks my
escape. So they leave me in here to rot."
"So, what about the other prisoners you've shared this cell
with? What happened to them?"
"What about them?"
"As I asked. What happened to them? Did they ever escape, or
what?" Jyoserin waited as the figure took a long breath, shaking
his head.
"No, none of them ever escaped. Very few of them would still
be alive, now. Of that I am sure."
"How can you be sure?" Jyoserin felt sweat running down her
forehead. As her vision improved, she could see a pair of squinting
eyes, looking at her through the darkness, regarding her.
"My dear, once you end up down here, death is certain. Nobody
gets sent down here unless they are to be sentenced to death." The
figure turned, looking away. "Except for me. I'm to be the only
exception to this morbid rule...."
"I'm so sorry..." Jyoserin started to say, but was distracted
as footsteps approached the cell door.
"Looks like your time has come, my dear." The figure said,
bleakly, as the door was unlocked and several senshi entered, two
holding out weapons to keep the dark figure cornered. Another two
grabbed Jyoserin and bundled her out of the cell, under the
directions of a commander.
After watching Jyoserin disappear from sight, she turned to
the corner where the figure was still sitting. "Well... I suppose
that made for an interesting diversion, did it not, you foul beast."
The figure chuckled mirthlessly. "Somehow I knew she wasn't
to grace my presence for more than a hour. I've never been that
lucky."
"Well, we all know why, don't we?" The commander put her
hands on her hips. "If I'd left her in here for much longer, you'd
be bounding around the cell, tormenting her and shouting 'PU' at the
top of your voice. The longer you remain here, out of society's
way, the better for all."
----o
Jyoserin found herself being bundled into the Court Chamber,
only seconds after attempting to use her powers to escape, only to
find she no longer had any powers. The senshi dragging her along
had laughed and said something about a 'control field' that was
keeping her personally in check. She didn't like the sound of that.
Sitting atop the judge's dais was Mars. Older, more
grizzled.... She'd aged a lot faster than Jyoserin had expected her
to, considering most of the senshi were supposed to have their aging
processes brought back to near zero. Whatever it was that had
happened to Mars during her life, it was extremely crappy.
"So, you are the one they call Jyoserin Tepukataya?" There
was a lot of spit emanating from Mars's mouth as she said that.
Jyoserin and her two guards did their best to avoid it.
"Umm, yeah, you could say that."
"And you admit to, willfully, and with malice aforethought,
possessing the body of the young Osaka Naru, for purposes criminal?"
"No."
"Oh. Alright then. You're free to go."
Jyoserin and her two guards stared at Mars with their mouths
on the floor. It seemed that they had learnt a lesson or two from
her in their short time together, Jyoserin thought.
Another old senshi entered the Court Chamber. "May I approach
the bench?" Said Venus, standing regally in her orange and gold
cloak. She hadn't aged that much better than Mars, Jyoserin
thought.
Mars nodded her agreement and Venus stepped up towards the
dais. She then addressed Mars formally. "I have been chosen by the
good Queen Serenity to act as the Prosecutor in this case,"
"Well you're too bloody late. I've already let her off."
Mars poked her tongue out at Venus. Venus fumed.
"Ya can't do that without there being a proper bloody trial,
dickhead."
"Yes I can, this is MY court."
"May I remind you of Rule 233, subsection C of the Holy
Lawbook of Crystal Tokyo?" Venus sneered smugly at Mars. Mars
huffed.
"Alright, alright. Have it ya own way then. Spoilsport."
Venus spun extravagantly and waved a hand in Jyoserin's
direction. "According to the testimony of Agent AR107, Codename
Ayanami Rei, you possessed the body of Osaka Naru with the intention
of corrupting the timelines in the hope of preventing the existence
of Crystal Tokyo. Is this not true?"
"Yes."
"And in the process of your actions, you threatened the said
officer with... ahem... 'non-existence'... if she did not comply
with your stated desire to be brought to Crystal Tokyo to meet with
the Small Lady Serenity?"
"No."
"No?"
"No, that came after. I only threatened her with nonexistence
when she wouldn't tell me who she was and what she was doing in
Tokyo during the last decade of the 20th century. She was an
anachronism, you see."
"She's got you there, Venus." Mars chuckled.
"Oh shutup." Venus hit back. She continued. "But, you admit
to threatening her with non-existence..."
"Oh that, yes, of course I do."
"Ah, that makes things easier, then."
"Can I go now?" Jyoserin stared at Venus for a second. Venus
cleared her throat and wagged a finger.
"Now now, don't be impatient. We've got quite a few questions
to ask you yet. Like, what is a GURP? What is your real name?
What is your intention in trying to stop the existence of Crystal
Tokyo?"
"Jeez, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition."
"AHA, NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION no da!"
Jyoserin, Venus, Mars and the two guards turned as three
figures bounded into the courtroom, all dressed in religious garb.
The first was a bishounen type with hair of a dark greenish tinge
and the mark of the oni on his forehead. The second was a light-
blue haired man, wearing a smiley mask and a pilot's cap with
goggles on his forehead. The third was a redheaded firebrand with
fangs that stuck well out of his mouth, carrying a metallic fan.
"Aha!" Said the leader. "Surprised you, eh? Yes indeed, our
weapons are surprise, fear... and.... um... Oh bugger, I forgot."
"Why don't we try that again no daa?" Said the smiley one.
"Can I use the fan this time. I wanna really burn something."
Said the fanged one. The leader sighed.
"Alright, alright, lets try again." And with that, they
exited the Court Chamber....
----o
The figure watched the proceedings within the court from high
above, the darkened windows of her private viewing gallery keeping
her presence a secret.
She crossed her long, voluptuous legs, brushing aside the folds
of the dark dress she wore, and rubbed her chin, nodding as the
three fools ran back into the chamber and started to cause some
minor chaos. Immediately, Mars and Venus ducked for cover as the
senshi guarding Jyoserin were bowled down. Then they grabbed
Jyoserin and dragged her from the court, kicking and screaming.
Amusing as it was, it wasn't exactly what she had planned for
Jyoserin, and that annoyed her, slightly.
She leaned back in the thick leather seat, breathing in deeply
the smell of the carpet-walled room, its warm air of privacy
allowing her the opportunity to think things over. She turned aside
to the small, floating, cat-faced orb and touched it, gently.
"Well, Luna-P." She whispered softly. "Who do you think
arranged this show for us?"
END OF CHAPTER 3
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Chapter - "Get the Holy Hand Grenade" or "Life? Don't You Talk
to ME About Life!"
_________
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)
/ / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
/ w \>\ Chief Propoganda Officer, Keeper of
\/ \/ the Tapes and Co-Founder of the Saitou-chan
\___________/ Appreciation Society - Adelaide Japanese
/_/ \_\ PU Animation Society
VERSION 1.0 - Wednesday, 3rd February 1999