This guy’s mother drowned herself in a mop bucket, and Frank wasted the “accidental death” insurance money on alcohol and prescription pills. Sure, the dead returned in Frank’s maniacal quest to cash in on snuff films, but hey, it made for a good story.

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Joseph Byrd as Ralphie Stephens

The only thing larger than Ralphie’s mental disability is his heart (and his love for ice cream and horses). Tricked into being a snuff film accomplice, this likeable oaf fills the movie with laughter, good intentions and Velcro shoes.

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Don Wilson as Dudley

Dudley’s very similar to your boss—he’s mean to you, loves to drink, and dreams of starring in a pornographic film. Tricked into thinking he’s going to get laid on camera, a bullet from Frank’s gun ‘lays’ Dudley out.

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Robert Muye as Bob

Sure, this guy’s teeth look like pieces of corn, but he’s not to be messed with, for Bob the bartender has ties to the snuff film financers. Besides, any dude that chews tobacco, smokes, and drinks—all at the same time—is probably pretty cool.

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Matthew Wilson as Parker Stephens

This low-budget Stiffler is the guy you love to hate, but hate to love. His arms are covered in tattoos, and his bed’s covered in babes, and before the film’s over, the floors are covered in his blood. Oh yeah, he turns into a zombie and rips somebody’s head off, too!

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Tim Larson as Jehovah’s Witness

God sends his little earthly angels out to pollinate the evil human flowers with love. Unfortunately, this Jehovah’s Witness has the misfortune of knocking on “stinkweed” Frank’s door. Will religion prevail, or will awesomeness ensue? (Put your money on the awesomeness ensuing.)

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Cathi “GG” Mitchell as Voodoo Woman

If she desired, the Voodoo Woman could blow your computer monitor up, sending shards of glass into your eyes and face. But she won’t, for she wants you to watch this movie. If you don’t, you’d better invest in a quality welding helmet, really good health insurance, or a Seeing Eye dog named Chester. No paws about it.

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Christopher Bucci as Mean Guy

Remember that chubby kid that used to make fun of you every day on the bus ride home from school? Do you remember screaming into your pillow at night, all because of him? Well, he’s all grown up now, and he’s all about making Frank’s life a living hell, at the most random of moments. God Bless Bullies.

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Amy Eisert as Girlfriend

What’s the best way to get a chick? If you guessed money, then you’re right! Now, what’s the best way to get rid of a chick? If you guessed kill her, you’re right again! And finally, what would really suck? If you guessed, having your ex-girlfriend come back as a zombie, you’re either psychic, or you’ve seen this movie. Thanks!

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James Byrd as Bum

Vietnam wasn’t a cakewalk. That’s why this drifter spends his days drinking, hoping the alcohol will flush the gruesome memories from his warped brain. Speaking of warped brains, it’s just what zombies desire, and it would be a shame if the two came across one another, wouldn’t it? Actually… you’re right. It would rule!

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Ingrid Hedlund as Grandmother

Old grandmas are good for lots of things: advice, homemade food, and handicapped parking spots, to name a few. But don’t get on this grandmother’s bad side, or you’ll acquire a wrath that makes the gates of hell as frightening as a kitten wearing fuzzy slippers.

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Berit Benacci as Mrs. Hultgren

Mrs. Hultgren owns the horse barn that Ralphie works at. And she’s nice enough to hire Frank, even after he gets her horses intoxicated. Have you ever seen a drunk horse? It’s really awesome—just ask Frank. He’s shoveled their dung, too (not so awesome).

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Joseph Benacci as Chauffeur

There’s not much to say about this guy, aside from he drives Frank’s car. Oh yeah, he washes the car, too. Aren’t Shammy Cloths a really cool invention? “No more water spots” should be their new catch phrase. I wonder how they work on blood?

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Michelle Panutsos as Pool Woman

When a guy goes to a bar, he wants a cold beer, not a cold woman. So maybe men should stop getting trashed before hitting on ladies like Pool Woman. Wait, maybe guys drink because they can’t get ladies like Pool Woman? It’s like a vicious cycle. I think I’m onto something here… wait, never mind.

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Kira Strunk as Chick

If one bar chick isn’t interested in you, maybe her friend will be, right? Nope. Probably not (especially if you’re Frank). Chick (and her friend, Pool Woman) just want to play a game of pool. Is that too much to ask, guys? What? Why do they wear tight-fitting clothes when they go out to play pool, you ask? Good point!

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Michael Adamus as Well-Dressed Man

This guy’s “little pimpin’” at its best. He’s half the size of Frank, but has twice the game (if not more). Well-Dressed Man shows us why women love a man with an accent… and a really nice car… and a ridiculously expensive suit.

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Harold the Turtle as Turtle

The mastermind behind the film, Harold the Turtle truly steals the show, showing why he is, by far, the greatest actor in this movie. Purchased at a pet store the day of filming (and returned the next day), it’s enjoyable to know that somebody has a pet turtle, and is completely unaware that their critter once appeared in a low-budget zombie movie.