Advice for Awkward Moments with Awkward Lisa

There’s this girl I really like but I’m not sure how to communicate and hint that I like her, so that I can find out if maybe she likes me too, and if she does, maybe I can even ask her out. I don’t know where to start—please help!

Sincerely,

Love-struck Luis

Dear Luis

First of all, you want to drop some subtle hints that aren’t too obvious, but help her to start noticing you and make her think, “Hm, what if he likes me?” The best way to accomplish that is by staring. If you see her across the room, or encounter her on your way to class, stare at her. You may be tempted to look away once she notices you, but resist. One you make eye contact, hold it for at least 7 seconds or until she looks away. If you look away sooner, she’ll know that you are weak and not that into her. Another trick is when you’re close enough, breath on the back of her neck. This may feel strange at first but will quickly begin to feel very natural.

Next you want to leave her some romantic notes. Girls really like when guys are mysterious, so to best disguise your handwriting and keep your identity secret, I would highly suggest cutting out letters from magazines to craft your note. This will also demonstrate your ability to work with your hands and your attention to detail. Show her that you pay attention to her, that your letters are truly for her and not generic. For example instead of “You are beautiful” (which is so cliché and impersonal), be specific and write something like, “You look really beautiful in the blue dress that you wore on March 15th.” In case she forgot what dress you’re talking about, you should make sure to include a picture of her on that day with what she was wearing. Just be careful not get caught when taking pictures because you don’t want to spoil the surprise yet.

Next you want to prepare and mold yourself into her “Perfect guy.” Some misguided people would tell you to “Be Yourself.” But if that actually worked—wouldn’t you already be dating her? No. The approach you want to take is “Fake it till you Make it.” You want a relationship that is built on a foundation of deceit and lies. So do your research. Ask her friends, search the web, and look at everything she has posted on Pinterest and Facebook. Does she sleep on her side? Find out what she likes and dislikes and change yourself to fit in perfectly with her ideals.

Finally—it’s time for the reveal! On the off-chance that she hasn’t completely fallen in love with you and asked you out herself at this point–send her one last note explaining that you were her secret admirer all along and include more pictures of her that you’ve taken and some pictures of the two of you. (Most likely you won’t have pictures together yet, so simply Photoshop your face over an ex-boyfriend’s from a picture on Facebook.) When she comes to you with the letter in her hands, filled with joy and infatuation, sweep her off her feet, take her to see 50 Shades of Grey, and live happily ever after!

If that doesn’t work, well that’s what duct tape and chloroform are for!