I was listening to a talk radio programme today where it was revealed that British women are the fattest in Europe. Personally, where the female of the species is concerned, I don't mind a bit of flesh to hang on to. I went out with a very fit and muscular girl once and it quietly disturbed me that I knew what it was like to share a bed with another fella (minus the hairy back and large hands.....that's a story about a German woman for another time). But that's not to say that I have a penchant for those adult market, female performers labelled as BBW. Golly, no!

Then I got to thinking about an excellent blog post about lard-buckets called Fat is the New Fit that I was directed to by the author of The Path Less Travelled. Check it out here. It fits in nicely with the revelation about muffin-topped, pie-eating Brit burds.

All of this talk of obesity had me dismayed and scuttling off to the gym like Vanessa Feltz on her way to an end of season sale at Gregs. I got there and was further dismayed when I saw the state of the place. David Bastard Lloyd charges me seventy quid a month and the racquet obsessed twat can't even tidy his fucking gym up!

There were barbell weights and dumbells littering the floor and bits of old tissue whose former owners had insufficient brain-matter to recall the final two stanza of the government's 'Catch it, Bin it, Kill it' campaign.

So I indulged my OCD and set about putting all the weights away. I don't wear a basebell cap in the gym, I don't wear a stupid fucking shirt emblazoned with 'don't get big get massive' and I don't leave my weights lying about for other people to put away.

As I imagined a slowly moving snake of gym attendees clad in baseball caps and stupid fucking shirts, slowly trudging their way to a firing squad, it occurred to me that not a single one of these people were fat.

It was then that I realised that there are qualities among the obese that should, nay MUST, be championed. I've compiled a list and I invite you, should you so wish, to add to it. Here goes:

1. Fat people rarely leave their weights lying about in a gym. Admittedly this is because they're at home lying on a sofa watching Jezza Kyle.

2. Fat people don't wear baseball caps and stupid fucking shirts in a gym. For the reason why this is so I refer you to point 1 above.

3. Fat people rarely win prizes in beauty competitions, so for the rest of us that leaves more burds available (or fellas of course....although women seem strangely drawn to fat men that also have the attribute 'rich').

4. Fat people almost always finish behind us in a race; so for me it matters not that I'm about as athletic as Stephen Hawking after a night on the piss, I'll always beat a fat lad.

5. Fat people prove that it's OK to eat burgers, fries and kebabs.............hang on.........I know what you're thinking...........stay with me on this one. They prove it's OK because, to a person, their fatness is the result of a glandular problem. It's fuck all to do with an over indulgence in fatty and sugar laden shit.

So there you have it. We need to champion those women that can't see their feet and those men whose penis to stomach size ratio suggests they own a clitoris.