Ringer: Quick! Stuff a pillow up there!

Really? Seriously? I'm Erica Kane's daughter. I can pull off a fake pregnancy. Trust. (The CW)

“Aren’t you supposed to be pregnant for crying out loud?” Apparently Gemma has been haunting the writers room because they’ve decided to resolve that troublesome little plot point in the least satisfying way possible. When the ultrasound reveals a rocky place where Andrew’s seed has found no purchase, the doctor diagnoses an ectopic pregnancy and sadly announces that Bridget has (not) lost the (fake) baby. And scene. Really? Out of all the possible options – Malcolm, black market, pillow, having loads of sex with Andrew – this is what you do? That is some weaksauce, Show. Bridget rebuffs Andrew’s offer to spend the day together because she’s already forgotten about the fake baby that meant everything to him. Instead she meets secretly evil Billy (CALLED IT!) who lies that his search of Gemma’s car was a bust. Bridget zones out as he talks, thinking back to the first time she met Malcolm. PS, someone needs to work on her inner flashback timeline and decide whether she’s known Malcolm for seven months or a year. That was just last week, Show. PULL IT TOGETHER! Secretly evil Billy calls Siobhan in Paris to tell her Malcolm is in New York. Elle a une petite hissy. Just make sure he doesn’t mess things up, and spare her the details. “I’ve spent the last few weeks listening to a man complain about his job. I don’t need to do it long distance.” Burrrn. She hangs up on him as Jamie (not Tyler) and his glistening nice try but you’re no Padalecki pecs of manliness try to convince her again some more to come with him to Rome. She begs off, claiming she wants to see some sights other than their hotel room, but really she just wants to stare sadly at the picture of Baze in her nightstand. On his way to the airport, Jamie (not Tyler) receives a call from Andrew. He’s fired the head of European Operations (for ‘losing’ the transfer documents that Siobhan actually stole from Jamie (not Tyler)’s briefcase) and is looking for a replacement. Why doesn’t Jamie (not Tyler) change his plans and fly to New York to discuss it?

Wacky hijinx, get ready for them.

Batmanuel blackmails Bridget into wearing a wire to a meeting with Malcolm. She somehow contrives to slip a note into a menu warning Malcolm that they’re being surveilled. She takes Batmanuel to task for not helping a man who’s obviously using again, and then stages her own intervention on the street. She begs Malcolm to let her help him, but she’s lacking a bit in credibility. “How can you be the one who’s straight with me when you can’t even be honest about who you are?!”

That evening Bridget joins Andrew and Olivia for their dinner meeting. Jamie (not Tyler) silently freaks out. When Bridget innocently tries to make small talk, he hisses at her that he didn’t realize he was sleeping with the boss’s wife. This apparently rings no bells for Bridget, and I guess why would it? It’s not like she has any reason to believe that her sister actually faked her death and is living in secret in Paris. She’ll also be living in a new hotel after Jamie (not Tyler) breaks up with her and tells her to clear out.

Malcolm hits bottom and turns to Bridget for help. She in turn takes him to Billy. Why do I not think that’s going to end well?