Smash Recap: 'The Only Thing Better Than Winning a Tony Would Be Beating You to Get It'

Warning: By its very nature, the following recap contains spoilers. So if you haven’t seen this week’s Smash, exit stage left and come back to this URL later. Everyone else, read on!

This week on Smash, Jimmy continued lobbying for the “Most Ungrateful Fink on TV” award, Will and Grace Tom and Julia’s friendship hit more turbulence, Derek continued to let “little Derek” do all the thinking in their partnership and Ivy Lynn got smacked with a big reason to reconsider her nude scene in Bombshell. Oh, and a bitchy showdown between Ivy Lynn and Karen? Brrrrring it!

MO BROADWAY, MO PROBLEMS | We opened with Hit List‘s move to the Great White Way, with Derek, Julia and Jimmy (as well as blogger types — aren’t they the worst?) all feeling like the show had lost something in the translation to a larger stage. Derek seemed to subtly blame the decline on Ana’s performance as The Diva — eventually “giving her the night off” and testing out Daisy (the charismatic Pilates instructor who’d previously accused him of sexual harrassment, then later slept with him after the Bombshell opening party). Julia and Jimmy, on the other hand, pondered the loss of intimate connection between the audience and the players. As Janet Jackson once sang, “Who’s right? Who’s wrong?“

“DISGUSTING” DEREK | Fueled by Ana’s suspicions — and intel that Daisy was part of the harrassment suit — Karen confronted Derek about his real reasons for testing out Daisy. Turns out, he’d told her during thier night of passion that if Hit List went to Broadway, she could be an understudy — and Daisy filmed the whole sleazy encounter. Hello, blackmail! “I have no choice,” said Derek about his decision to give Ana a pink slip. “Yeah, Derek, you do. It’s a pretty clear choice,” said Karen, who noted her director and possible love interest was “disgusting.” (Cue the sound of a million Cartwills shippers dying inside. Not to worry! We’ll always have fan fic!) We even got to see a Karen-Daisy sing-off on a number called “I’m Not Sorry,” but it was kind of a wretched club track with silly faux-fisticuffs choreography, so I’m not sure we learned much about Daisy’s skill set. Either way, she’s too minor a character not to eventually get her come-uppance, right? Though I have to admit, it would be a bold, intriguing and wildly unexpected move if she won out in the end.

KYLE REALLY WAS GOOD AT HIS JOB (PART 4)/JIMMY IS THE ALL-TIME WORST AT LIFE (PART 1,726) | Julia and Jimmy searched through Kyle’s old notes and stumbled across his idea to engage the audience with mid-performance text messages and Tweets and other internet-y gimmick-type things — “a multimedia assault!” as Jimmy called it. (I don’t know about you, but the cost of a Broadway ticket being what it is, I’d kind of prefer to have my phone off the whole time.) Jimmy, as per usual, acted like a spoiled 7-year-old for the whole episode; when Derek noted how Broadway’s revival of Cabaret put the audience at tables, the young alleged genius screeched, “like dinner theater?” When Julia and Derek talked about tweaking the story, he whined, “You’re not touching the book!” And when Julia finally told him that she’d agreed to help with Hit List’s Broadway transfer, but didn’t feel comfortable writing actual parts of the script, Strainedface McAwful’tude didn’t graciously thank her for all her help — and taking time out of the promotional schedule for Bombshell. Instead, he flew into a rage and dismissed her by huffing, “I get it! We’re your competition!” SERIOUSLY, I KNOW THE SMASH WRITERS LOVE AND REVERE THEIR TERRIBLE NEW CHARACTER, BUT MY GOD HE IS BEGGING FOR A COSMIC TAKE DOWN — LIKE A SINKHOLE OPENING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE AND SWALLOWING HIM WHOLE, NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN! (Whew! Typing in all caps is cathartic!)

THE BALLAD OF TOM AND JULIA | Eileen planned a Houston-Levitt Night retrospective of her playwright collaborators’ finest tines to drum up further support for Bombshell’s Tony Awards campaign — and Tom turned it into a full revue with a storyline and everything. Julia’s work on Hit ListBombshell, though, made her an absentee for most of the preparations. “A kid died before he was able to finish his work; as a human being I have to see it through,” she pleaded. But later, when it became evident she might not even make it to the event, Tom got deeply hurt: “The big deal is I was looking forward to one last song with my best friend and partner of 11 years. One song that shows even if we never work together again, that time meant something.” That did it. Julia took the stage for the final number — a maudlin ditty called “The Right Regrets” — and the performance ended with a hug. These two are gonna be OK! (Oh, and Eileen leaked news of the Houston-Levitt professional split, the better to drum up press for the show. Sneaky chica!)

IVY LYNN’S SECOND BOMBSHELL | Busy bee Ivy Lynn shot a Ford Fusion ad in Times Square, but was all stressed out after a thinly concealed Blind Item in the Village Voice talked about a Tony-contending starlet sleeping her way to the top, popping pills and having an affair with a former costar’s fiancé. When Agnes noted maybe Ivy Lynn should be more Norma Jean offstage, she began to have doubts about her role in Tom’s revue, and he didn’t exactly boost her confidence: “This isn’t Marilyn. Coco is a depressed, alcoholic stripper.” Uh-oh. Later, though, Eileen reassured Ivy Lynn that she need not be anyone other than her genuine self — leading to this awesome exchange:

Eileen: What I love about you is you’re never afraid to be yourself. You either go big or you go home.
Ivy Lynn: A couple of those nights I probably should’ve just went home.

And thus we got our buxom blonde singing a silly little tune called “Grin and Bare It” that reminded me of an uptempo, less-inspirational “Just Keep Moving the Line.” But, oh wait — when Ana approached Ivy Lynn at Table 46 — looking to win supporters for a possible take-down of Derek (and spilled intimate details of Ivy Lynn’s affair with Derek that she’d learned from Karen) — our former chorus girl was pissed. She stormed over to Karen and accused her of playing it “naive” and “just off the bus,” but really being “just as calculating as the next person.” (TRUE!) Karen didn’t exactly hide her own disdain for her frenemy, but Ivy Lynn got in this final shot, “The only thing better than winning a Tony woyld be beating you to get it.” OOOH GURRL! And then, for a final bit of “What the WHAT?” Ivy Lynn got a call from her doctor. “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!”

The End.

What did you think of this week’s Smash? Is Derek unredeemable now? Is Jimmy even less redeemable? Is there any way Karen ends up with either one of ’em? And whose side are you on now that we’re back to a #TeamKaren vs #TeamIvy showdown? Sound off below!