Everyday life as a Domina

Tag Archives: female supremacy

So I was having a conversation with a gentleman who subscribes to the ideology of female supremacy. It’s a view I don’t share.

But we were discussing it, what he likes about it, and what I dislike about it. And things were going well.

Until he said, “It just means so much more to serve my wife, because she’s superior to me in every way. I don’t think it would mean as much if she wasn’t. Like if you’re not physically bigger and stronger, and smarter than your subs, how can you really exert control over them?”

Um… what?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. The guy is happily married to a woman he loves. It works for the two of them, it’s what they want, and I’m sure as hell in no place to tell someone that their lifestyle choices aren’t valid.

But, um… what?

Okay, I mean, I have a very healthy love of myself. I know what I’m good at, what my strengths are, and in what areas few people on the planet stand on equal footing with me.

I also know that there are things I’m not good at, things I struggle with, and weaknesses I have. As much as I love myself (and I love myself a lot), the kind of arrogance and conceitedness required to not acknowledge that there are areas where my subs are better than I am is completely unthinkable for a normal, sane human being.

A perfect example of that was just the other day, talking to Sounder. We got on the subject of how often tact, finesse, and diplomacy are required in his job. And he joked that I, given my habit of being very blunt, probably wouldn’t excel in that position.

And he’s completely, 100% right. I’d lose all patience about 4 minutes in and just start telling people off. The level of diplomacy his job requires isn’t something that comes easily to me. I just don’t care enough to be diplomatic. If there’s a problem, I care more about solving it quickly and efficiently than sparing someone’s feelings.

He, on the other hand, has figured out that balance between quick-and-efficient and sparing-someone’s-feelings.

Hell yeah, I can acknowledge that there are things he’s better than me at. Which is why, when I found myself in a situation where I had to play mediator between my mother and uncle, Sounder was the one I asked for help, because I knew he could see potential issues I couldn’t, and I wasn’t about to take any risks with tempers running that hot.

I joke that he’ll be my diplomat when I’m appointed Queen of the Universe. And I can just see how that would go. Like, I’d find out that some leader did something stupid, and I’d immediately want to chew the guy a new asshole or two, and I’d be like, “I want to talk to him, now.”

And Sounder would have to hold up a hand and say, “Okay, wait, I need to find out what actually happened first.”

“Cool, but I still want to talk to him, now.”

“It would be a really good idea to not yell at him right this minute.”

“I know. I’m going to yell at him in like, 3 minutes.”

“Holding off on yelling at him for now will benefit you more in the long run.”

“Ugh, fine. But I want to know the second I can yell at him.”

He’s got a patience with people that I just don’t.

There are things Kazander is better than me at. He’s a fucking genius when it comes to numbers and money management. He can take control of the finances of someone who files for bankruptcy and completely turn it around in such a short amount of time. I’m serious, I’ve literally never met anyone as good with numbers as he is. It’s wild. So obviously, he’s the one who handles our money and our budget.

He’s tried to talk to me about the stock market, and investing, and what I should do with the life insurance money if he died.

Yeah, if I sat down and really researched the shit out of it, I could probably get on at least a comparable level to him, but I’ll never have the comfort with it that he does, or the speed he does, or just the natural ability he does. I’d have to constantly have to work at it, while it comes easily to him.

The awesome thing is that it looks like the spawn inherited that ability from him. I mean, it’s still too early to tell, but math is definitely her strongest subject.

I can even admit when one of my subs knows more than I do in the fields I pride myself in.

Not many people know more about the English language than I do. But Steel does. And on the very rare occasion where I’ve had a question or needed help with something, he’s the one I’ve gone to.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with those who serve me being better at something than me or knowing more about something than me. I’d get bored if they didn’t.

And as far as physical size and strength, I mean, I’m 5’9″, and I’m no delicate flower. And yeah, there’s something kind of hot about playing with a guy shorter than me, or smaller than me, or not as physically strong as I am. I’ve always enjoyed it.

Most men aren’t shorter than me or smaller than me, though. Kazander’s taller than I am. Sounder’s about my height, maybe a little bit taller, and he’s strong enough to break metal fucking chain, m’kay. Literally without even trying. He’s a hell of a lot stronger than not just me, but pretty much everyone. If he wanted a Domme who could physically overpower him, basically his only option would be a professional bodybuilder.

And I don’t know, I just have this idea of what it means to lead people in general. Like, if the only people you could get to follow you were weaker/smaller/less intelligent/more inexperienced than you, can you really call yourself an effective leader?

Or does it mean more when even the strongest, the smartest, the best and brightest, the most elite, choose to follow you? Not because they are inferior or because they have no choice, but because they want to follow you? Because something about you inspires and motivates them, and earns their respect?

I kind of feel like D/s relationships are the same way. I mean, of course, again, people want what they want, and as long as they’re happy, who am I to judge? But a blanket statement about D/s not meaning as much unless the sub is inferior to the Dominant in every way? That just seems to be literally the opposite of what it should be.

I think D/s means more if the sub is equal to the Dominant, or superior in some aspects.

Because at that point, he’s not choosing to submit to her because he feels like he has to. He’s not submitting because he sees himself as weak. He knows he’s strong, he knows he’s intelligent, he knows he’s capable and competent and can handle anything life throws at him.

He’s choosing to submit to her because there’s something about her that draws him in. Something about her, specifically, that has earned his respect. His trust. Not just because she is a woman. Because she, as an individual, is worthy of his submission. Because she, as a person, has inspired him to want to follow her.

I don’t ever want someone to submit to me because I’m a woman. I don’t ever want someone to submit to me because they see themselves as inferior to me, and could never stand on equal footing with me. I want someone to submit to me because I, as an individual person, have earned it.

Because the submission of a strong man is a very precious gift. He doesn’t need to give it to anyone. He can handle life on his own.

And he’s not going to give that gift to just anybody. He’s not going to let just anyone control him. He’s not going to follow anyone just because.

It has to be earned. And it means so much more to me, because they’ve made the conscious decision to give me that gift. Not because I’m a woman. Not because I’m superior or inferior.

It’s a good read, but I think that what should be spoken about is when FLR/Dominance is used as abuse. There are cases where a person who has serious abuse in his past can be placed into a submissive state by female on male abuse, rationalized as female supremacy.
These women do not know, or more accurately, do not care of the outcome when the guy finally realized what he has been made to do. This is nothing short (when talking about the supremacy mindset) of stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding.
I see nothing wrong with consensual agreements with boundaries and limits and safewords. With that being said, BDSM as abuse allows zero recourse and it is traumatic when it has been long term. Edge play can create Complex-PTSD, and that’s what we’re talking about. Slave training is part of the extremes of FLR and female supremacy.
Imagine waking up one day and realizing that you were subjected to mental and physical torture, sexual assault, non-consensual cuckolding, massive amounts of betrayal and cheating. Realizing that your free will was taken at some point, not even knowing exactly when. That you were being totally humiliated in certain circles without your knowledge. There is video recorded of you in a humiliating way that was shared publicly when you escaped.
Then, to have female supremacists continue to ruin your reputation for two years following your escape from abuse. Having a divorce lawyer continue the abuse by using the legal system to continue inflicting emotional pain and stress through unneeded depositions, subpoenas of mental health records, employment records and falsifying financial documents. That’s enough to make anyone have mental issues. Put all that on top of when that man was a child and was molested by his own family, raped while in a boy’s home and had parents who are severely emotionally disturbed.
No one will really speak out about this. When I have, I have been laughed at, humiliated, degraded and told by others that I have made all of this up.
I have not.
I am glad you are against this type of mindset, but you do not seem to understand the reality of the extremes of female supremacy mindsets and the resulting damage that I have been working for three years (and continuing) to resolve. The BDSM community as a whole seems to turn a blind eye to this. It almost seems acceptable, or possibly seen as collateral damage to the community. It is unacceptable to me.
It is torture and she should be in prison for what she has done to me and her first ex-husband. But they get away with it, and I believe until this is brought to light, they will continue to do so.

First of all, whoa….

I want to take a moment to acknowledge what you went through and the strength it took to get away. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, regardless of the circumstances, and many people do not have the strength it takes to escape, particularly when there are very real repercussions for leaving. I commend you for that, and admire you for it.

That being said, it’s not difficult to discern why you’ve been met with the attitude you’ve been met with. I am in no way defending the people who laughed at you, humiliated and degraded you, or implied that you made it all up. Those people obviously do not possess the emotional intelligence or emotional maturity to really register what you were saying, rather than the (misguided) way you said it.

You deserve better from the kink community, but the issues with the kink community and the close-minded intolerance that runs rampant there is a whole different post.

I’m going to explain to you why the way you’re going about spreading this awareness isn’t working. When I do, I want you to understand that I am in no way attacking you or trivializing what you went through. This is something you’re obviously very passionate about, and I want you to know that I respect that. Tone can sometimes be misinterpreted through text, so I want to point out now that nothing I am going to say is meant with any degree of hostility.

But seriously, stop doing what you’re doing.

First of all, I absolutely understand the very real potential to cause permanent physical and psychological damage to a submissive (which is something I have talked about, repeatedly, on the blog). Outright telling me that I don’t, based on one post, has the potential to put someone on the defensive and shut them down to the point that they no longer wish to hear anything you have to say about it. Saying something like that to someone you do not know comes across as close-minded and self-righteous. And the person you’re speaking to will care more about the feeling that you’ve insulted them and implied that they don’t understand anything than the message you’re trying to spread.

You do not know me. You do not know what I understand about the capacity for abuse within any given dynamic expressed through D/s relationships. That mindset needs to leave your mind forever. It’s not helping you in any way. In fact, by putting people on the defensive, it’s hindering you, because their irritation with you will make them immediately discount anything you have to say.

And in situations like this one, where you’re talking to a woman who was raped by a family member, and understands better than many what you went through growing up (which you would know, had you read the blog), it has the potential to do more than put them on the defensive, it has the potential to piss them the fuck off. Especially when, if you had taken the time to read their blog before making assumptions like that one, you would have already known that. Those people would be completely justified in being pissed at you.

That alone is enough for me to completely understand why no one has listened to you. But that’s not the only thing you’re doing wrong.

Here’s the thing about abusive relationships. They’re bad, through and through. Regardless of whether you put BDSM or D/s in the mix. Abusive people are deplorable and cruel and evil. Regardless of whether they call themselves Dominants or not.

But you cannot lump abusive relationships in with consensual D/s ones. This is something many people within the kink community have had to fight for years. There are a great many people who run around shouting that all BDSM relationships are abusive, and that it’s not okay to want to hit the people you care about, or that it’s not okay to want to be hit by someone you care about.

Let’s use a specific example. The gentleman I spoke about in that post is a submissive in a female supremacist relationship. He very enthusiastically follows his wife, yields to her, and obeys her. He also feels fulfilled in that relationship. He wants it. He enjoys it. He enjoys it to the point that he runs a blog about it, singing the praises of the dynamic.

If you wrote this same message to him, attacking the relationship dynamic that he loves, then you become just another naysayer that tells him he shouldn’t want it. You become background noise. Hell no, he’s not going to pay attention to anything you have to say.

I don’t believe the same things he does, and there are a lot of things that seem “too extreme” to me, but at the end of the day, he’s happy, and if that’s the relationship both he and his wife want, then that’s the relationship they should have.

And then there’s this:

I see nothing wrong with consensual agreements with boundaries and limits and safewords. With that being said, BDSM as abuse allows zero recourse and it is traumatic when it has been long term. Edge play can create Complex-PTSD, and that’s what we’re talking about. Slave training is part of the extremes of FLR and female supremacy.

Abuse is traumatic, whether it’s short term or long term. But you’re not making enough of a distinction between D/s relationships and abusive ones. And when you say that to someone who is in a happy, healthy, mutually consensual BDSM relationship, they’re going to take offense, and they will care more about that than what you’re trying to say.

So I need you to say this to yourself. Out loud. Multiple times a day.

There is a difference between BDSM relationships and abusive relationships.

Because, fun fact: you do know that all three of my relationships are FLR relationships, with a total power exchange as the eventual goal, right? You do know that I often engage in edge play, right?

How much of my blog have you actually read? How much effort did you take to get to know me before lecturing me?

This is your problem. You’re so busy trying to shout from the rooftops about the small number of abusive relationships parading as D/s ones, and trying to make people understand the (very real) dangers of such relationships, that you’re not taking the time to listen, get to know, or care about the people you’re talking to. You’re not talking to people, you’re talking at them.

No, people are not going to respond well to that.

By lumping all FLRs in with abusive ones parading as female supremacy relationships, and making blanket statements about edge play and “slave training” typical of most FLRs, you are unintentionally, but very effectively, attacking my relationships.

For the record, I am fully aware of the damage I can cause to my subs should I lose my control. This is something I have talked about, in great length, here on the blog (which is yet another thing you would know if you opened your mind before opening your mouth… I’m repeating this because I’m hoping it registers with you, and you realize why it’s such a big issue, and why it would cause someone to immediately discount anything you try to tell them). I, and most people in healthy BDSM relationships, are fully aware of the difference between BDSM and abuse.

But because I get the feeling from your message that the line between them is a bit fuzzy for you, and because I’m getting the impression that you have never been in a mutually consensual BDSM relationship, and therefore do not know what that looks like, here’s a cheat sheet.

Female-led relationships are not abusive relationships. Female supremacist relationships are not abusive relationships.

Abusive relationships are abusive relationships. It doesn’t matter what you call them or what an abuser uses to justify them, they are abusive relationships.

Is there potential for a BDSM relationship to become abusive? Yes. Is it important for people like you to share their experiences so other people are aware of the warning signs? Yes, absolutely.

But when you need people to listen to what you’re saying, you have to make them want to listen to you. You’ve got to talk in a way that engages them and enables them to relate to you. None of the comment you wrote to me even remotely conveys that sentiment, or makes me think that you have any interest in me or the relationship dynamic I represent. Even the first sentence comes across as condescending.

No one is going to listen to anything you have to say, regardless of the validity of your message, if you don’t pay attention to the way you’re coming across. Tact and diplomacy, especially in text, is unbelievably important.

Hopefully this helps, and hopefully you’re able to get your message across more effectively. I absolutely think you should continue to talk about the warning signs of an abusive relationship, and spread awareness to people who may find themselves questioning their relationship is healthy or abusive. It may be enough to save someone from an abusive partner parading as a Dominant.

I was shown a link to a female supremacist blog, and exchanged a couple of emails with the owner of it, a submissive man in a Wife-Led Marriage. We both shared the sentiment that each other’s blogs were well-written and well thought-out, but we don’t agree with each other’s views.

And I have to say it’s such a relief to be able to have that kind of conversation. To be able to say to someone, “I don’t agree with you, but I respect you and the way you express your views.”

Needless to say, he believes in Female Supremacy.

Needless to say, I do not. Mostly.

So for those who may not know, Female Supremacy is the belief that society should be matriarchal, dominated by women, and that men are inferior and must therefore defer to and serve women.

This is not an ideology I follow.

First, I want to acknowledge that I’m not a fan of the binary, you’re-either-male-or-female sexuality. We already discussed that sexuality is a spectrum, and gender identity is the same way. Female supremacy sort of unintentionally reduces that spectrum by removing the middle parts.

It’s also difficult to nail down a “generalized” definition of female supremacy. The examples I find range from what I consider extreme to what I consider radical. Is it possible that there’s something I’m missing? Perhaps, but the very nature of the ideology lends itself to some practices that I consider pretty damn extreme.

That’s not my biggest problem with it, though. But before I get to why I don’t follow that mindset, I’ll explain why I don’t immediately discount it, either.

For the record (brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen), I believe that females are biologically and physically superior to males.

Don’t freak out yet. Allow me to back that information up with some facts.

Let’s give men their due.

They’re physically bigger, with more muscle mass and more upper body strength (ie, they’re stronger), with bigger lungs and more red blood cells (ie, more stamina). They’ve got stronger, larger, denser bones and muscle tissue than women, and have more hemoglobin, so they heal from wounds faster.

Men also have a greater range in IQ than women. So, while there are more men with extremely low IQs than women, there are also more men with extremely high IQs.

Men also remain fertile long after women, able to father children well into old age. They produce an infinite amount of sperm, while women have only so many eggs and can never make more. Gender also comes from sperm.

Mentally, men are less prone to depression (caveat: they’re more prone to suicide), eating disorders, and anxiety. They’re less prone to stress, including post-traumatic stress disorder. Don’t get too excited, though, guys. There’s one hell of a “but” coming.

But….

Let’s go back down the list.

Men are superior to women in brute strength (by 50%) and lung function (by 30%), and can heal from injuries faster, but that’s where the superiority ends. And it starts at conception.

Women have a stronger hold on life than men. Women pregnant with boys are more prone to miscarriage (140 boys are conceived for every 100 girls. But only 105 boys are born for every 100 girls). Boys are also more prone to SIDS.

Women outlive men. More men die from every cause of death than women, with the exception of three: breast cancer, problems related to female reproduction (which I think should be thrown out, because obviously more men die from problems with male reproduction than women, but it is what it is), and benign tumors. After the age of 85, there are only 4 men for every six women. At the age of 100, there are only half as many men as women.

The two X chromosomes also means that they’re less prone to X-chromosome-related disorders, such as color blindness and muscular dystrophy.

Women have a slower basal metabolism and higher fat reserves. While this is annoying when trying to lose weight, it means that women can endure more extremes in temperature and can go longer without food and water.

Women have a higher average IQ than men. Women consistently outscore men in Europe, the US, Canada, and New Zealand. It’s unclear whether they don’t outscore men in other countries, or whether other countries were not included in the study.

Women are more prone to stress, but can handle it better (again, subjective, but has been consistent through multiple studies, and women’s brains do produce more oxytocin). Women are less prone to developmental psychiatric disorders (like autism and Tourette’s), less prone to psycopathy , and antisocial personality disorder. Women also have better memories than men, and are better at multitasking. They also score higher on empathy and seem to have more emotional intelligence than men (again, subjective, blah blah blah). They can also pick up on more subtle body language, giving them an edge up on communication (this should be no surprise to anyone. Men don’t generally do subtle all that well).

Women’s senses are more acute. They can pick up on slight variations of color better than men, they’re five and a half times less likely to lose their hearing than men, they have 50% more neurons in the olfactory center of their brains, giving them more sensitivity to both smell and taste. Touch is tricky, because one study found that size, not gender, is key in sensitivity to touch. However, since most women tend to be smaller than most men, they are more sensitive.

I’ll even go a step further. The International Journal of Business Governance and Ethics recently published research showing that companies run and led by females are more successful than companies run and led by males. A Pew research poll found that both men and women agree that women make fairer, more compassionate, and more trustworthy leaders.

And then you have places like Peru and Russia, who have begun switching to female-dominated law enforcement because women’s superior psychological, communication, and negotiation skills make them more efficient and better able to handle volatile situations.

So I mean the stuff is out there. All you have to do is look it up. And for the sake of saving time, I’m not going to go into the theory that people were matriarchal, if not completely female-dominated, in the Neolithic period and before. The archaeologist in me is pissed off about that but that obsessive bitch is just going to have to deal.

Yes, I believe that, on the whole, women are biologically superior to men (Don’t get too excited though, ladies. There’s one hell of a but coming).

But…

I am not a fan of any of the supremacy ideologies, female supremacy included. Because I don’t want respect just because I’m a woman. That feels fake and empty. I want to be respected because of my actions, because of who I am.

There are countless women who are weak-willed, weak-minded, self-serving, and cruel. I’ve known too many women who do not deserve any kind of respect. And the idea of those women being in charge of anything or anyone is fucking terrifying.

Take Lia, the teenager who’s living with us. I don’t trust her to be in any kind of position of control or authority, and the fact that she continues to be controlling and abusive to her (unwilling and nonconsensual) boyfriend further proves that. I’ve repeatedly told her boyfriend to take control of her and put her on a leash, because that’s the only way to get through to her. He’s more capable of it than she is.

I’ve also read stories about people living in female supremacist households with children, and training their sons to defer completely to their sisters (sometimes to what I consider disturbing extremes) and training daughters not to defer to their fathers.

Here’s the thing. Once, a long time ago, I wrote about children and consent. Human psychology is a very complex thing, and it takes a period of years for the brain to fully develop and mature.

How many years? 25.

25 years.

25 years.

Until that point, the brain is still developing. The brain has not yet reached its full maturity. It has not realized its full potential. It has not yet made all the connections it’s supposed to make.

More than that, until the prefrontal cortex is done developing (which, lest we forget, takes 25 goddamn years), we think primarily with the amygdala. You know, the primitive, emotional part of the brain that houses our fight-or-flight reflex, impulsive, destructive tendencies, our fear, our aggression, our anxiety, and all that fun shit.

They cannot make full use of their prefrontal cortex (the rational, logical part of the brain) because it’s not finished yet. Our executive functions (which allows us to help assess risk, think ahead, evaluate ourselves, set goals, and regulate our emotions) are not fully developed yet.

So why is it a good idea to give a teenage daughter any kind of authority over her father, an adult with the mental capacities she does not yet possess? One example described an instance where a teenage daughter was given the authority to slap her father if he disobeyed her.

Because she is still thinking primarily with the amygdala, she is scientifically incapable of regulating emotion, understanding emotionally complex situations, determining the long-term consequences of her actions, and recognizing a difference between consensual discipline (between consenting adults) and abuse. Giving a young girl the power to punish someone, and literally actively encouraging her not to respect another human being (and her father) just because he’s male seems like a bad idea.

Let’s change “women” and “men” to “white people” and “black people,” and rewrite that last sentence.

Giving a young white person the power to punish someone, and literally actively encouraging her not to respect another human being just because he’s black seems like a bad idea.

Pretty fucking disturbing, right? It’s literally the same message. The exact same message. And a teenager is incapable of recognizing the difference between that and two consenting adults engaging in a lifestyle that they both desire.

If my spawn ever slapped Kazander, oooh, would there be hell to pay.

Teaching sons to respect women is good, obviously, but teaching them that they literally don’t matter as much as their female siblings? Holy shit, dude.

My point is that children’s brains are not fully developed, so they are incapable of giving informed consent. It’s technically not illegal, but it seems unethical to push that on a child.

One gender being superior to another seems like a bad idea. We went through thousands of years of men being seen and superior, and that really didn’t go all that well. There’s no reason to think it would be any better with women being seen as superior.

And again, too many women are weak and incapable of leading anyone. Giving them respect and deference simply because they’re women seems like it would open doors to a host of problems.

And there’s another thing common to many female supremacy relationships. The men are consistently not given the chance to speak (like, at all), not given much free will, and are expected to do all chores and all housework, along with going to work, while the wife stays home and socializes.

If that’s what the men want, then more power to them. They’re certainly entitled to what they want. It’s just not for me.

Here’s why. I love and adore and respect my boys. I love that I can have engaging conversations with them. I love that they can make me laugh. I love that I can go out for drinks with them, or go out to dinner, or go to the movies, and have just as much fun as I would completely and utterly degrading them, objectifying them, and fucking them raw.

I read of one man whose wife does not allow him to speak or participate in conversations. At all. She gives him five minutes before bed when he can ask questions, voice concerns, reaffirm his love for her, whatever. Other than that, from the moment he gets home from work til the moment he leaves again in the morning, he is not allowed to speak.

Which he says he loves. That’s what he wants, that provides him the opportunity to let go of the stress of the day and just focus on his wife, so that works for him. And that’s great. That’s awesome, more power to them.

But holy hell, I’d be so goddamn bored! Like, I’d be setting shit on fire after a week of that.

I like that my boys are strong and worthy of my respect. I like that they’re smart, and funny, and have a whole host of traits that make them incredibly precious to me. I love that I respect them. I love owning those dynamic, passionate, vibrant, complex men. Hell no, I would never want to reduce them to what I’ve read about in the female supremacist blogs. I’d never want to take away the personalities I fell in love with.

My boys could never follow a weak woman. And I could never expect them to.

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This is an 18+ blog about my day-to-day life as a Domina, wife, mother, and all that other crap. A chronicle of me. While this blog focuses primarily on the D/s aspect of my life and my relationships with Kazander, Steel, and Sounder, it is not exclusive to that subject, and I might talk about my kid, or my annoying mother, or my sister's pet cat, or whatever the hell I feel like talking about.

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It begins over a friendly disagreement, during which you smile, roll your eyes, and say, “Go fuck yourself.”

“But, Ma’am, that’s physically impossible.”

You smirk and ask how certain I am of this. On a roll, I launch into a smug and tangential rant about the anatomical impossibility of an individual’s being capable of fucking oneself. Your response is to merely shrug, smile, and make a cryptic statement:

“Don’t be so sure…”

Later that evening, you tell me bedtime will be early, an hour early to be exact. The amused look on your face says it would be in my best interests not to argue.

Sometimes I fall into a vicious cycle where I’m mentally and emotionally frustrated and cannot manage to channel that energy into productive avenues. In the old days, this would lead to drinking or drugs, but I don’t do that anymore. Instead, I try to go about my day, generally fail to complete mundane tasks and end up feeling ‘stuck’ – this progresses into a cycle of mild depression, feelings of inertia, guilt over said inertia, and then on and on it goes until something snaps me out of it.

It feels like I’m seated in a car stuck in neutral yet compelled to rev the engine until it screams.

When did I last curl up in her lap? It’s been so long, I cannot recall. Despite numbered boxcars on the calendar and the disinterested faces of clocks, a concrete memory eludes me. Time, location, and date, they’re merely three dimensions after all.