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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The great irony of motherhood is that despite never actually being alone (hello, can I please freaking pee in peace?!), you can find yourself feeling more isolated and lonely than ever before. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm the only mother who's ever silently sung "shut the hell up" in my head or let my child throw herself on the floor for the 5th time, I check my email to find a message from my cousin with a link to the 25 all-time favorite mommy confessions, and I instantly feel better. It's reassuring to know there are other mommies just like me who are frustrated and insecure...and human.

So without further ado...

1. I'm wearing maternity jeans but I haven't been pregnant in six years.

2. I hate reading bedtime stories. I only do it because I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching TV.

3. I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as she leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fueled snarling and histrionics. Then I close the front door and flip her off, with both hands.

4. I forget to brush my 1- and 2-year-olds' teeth. I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.

5. Hidden in the pantry in a box labeled “flour” is top of the line chocolate and a few joints. I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there.

6. I miss the career I gave up more than I miss my son when I go to the grocery store. But I always get to go back to him.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
7. Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her if she shaved her vagina. Sorry, you don't like personal questions? Me neither.

8. I confiscated my teenager's stash of pot, gave her a lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.

9. I joined a gym just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs in the locker room.

10. At the end if the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.

11. I throw candy wrappers behind the couch and then blame the kids when my husband finds them.

12. My kids hardly bathe in the summer. The pool totally counts.

13. I knew my daughter had lice and I sent her to school anyway because I didn't want to cancel my hair appointment.

14. I buy store-made muffins and pass them off as my own for bake sales.

15. Everyone thinks I'm such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn't me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.

16. I have a favorite child and I am hardest on him because I feel so guilty about it.

17. I clock out of motherhood at 8 p.m. I'm so done that I walk out even if they aren't all tucked in bed and go hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer.

18. Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.” I let them eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.

19. When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her "a gazillion." Um, we are homeschoolers. Not supposed to just make shit up.

20. Three kids and my husband has never changed a poopy diaper. He says he hates the smell -- like I like it?! I'm going to shove the next one in his pillow.

21. I often see kids and say, "My baby is WAAAY cuter." Not every baby is cute.

22. I've been socking away $5s and $10s for years and finally have two thousand dollars. No idea what I'll do with it, but having my own money again is empowering.

23. Questions of the day: 1) How did the pepperoni get stuck to the ceiling? 2) Why didn't gravity kick in & make it fall? 3) How did I not notice this? 4) When did we have pizza last?

24. I put my kids to bed in their clothes so I don't need to get them dressed the next day.

25. I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together -- good wife, good mom, successful career -- but I really don't. I'm ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.

Monday, January 30, 2012

....Changing/dressing my toddler now resembles something you would see on Animal Planet, like alligator wrestling. It is a fight. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. You would think I was seriously hurting her judging by the shrieks and screams. I don't get it. How can I make it more pleasant? My usual tricks don't work anymore. The only thing I've found useful is putting a youtube video on my iPhone while she holds it..but even that trick doesn't keep her still long. She is soon going to stick one of her flailing feet in a stinky diaper. And that will not be pleasant.

.....Speaking of above-mentioned toddler, her fingernails and toenails will soon resemble talons if she doesn't let me clip them. Basically, I have an active toddler who doesn't like sitting still for anything. I'm sure many of you can relate. Ugh.

.....I just signed up for an 8 week photography course that includes a field trip (even adults love field trips). I have had my Canon Rebel since the Fall and still only use the automatic setting. I am so looking forward to becoming more acquainted with the manual features and was thrilled to see this class offered through Main Line School Night. It starts on March 6 and is every Thursday for 2 hours.

.....Our wedding count for this year is already at 7, and it's only the end of January. We will be flying to Georgia on February 24 to take part in the nuptials of Amy & Tyson. My bridesmaid dress was just delivered on Friday and it is a gorgeous Jim Hjelm floor-length gown. It is going to such a classy affair and i'm honored to stand beside her on her special day.

.....Thanks for all the support for "Fuck It Friday". It has been a rough work week..very emotionally draining. Luckily I had the weekend to mentally recover and will hopefully have a more pleasant week.

.....Why am I just discovering Shellac manicures? Coming from me who picks off their nail polish in a few short hours...it is amazing. My nails looked great for almost 2 weeks. Now if I could just find a way to work it into our new monthly budget? Hmm.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Saturday morning we woke up to the first significant snowfall of the season...of course it happened on a weekend and not on a school day. Damn you mother nature. But anyway..

The husband went off to shovel the walks as Saige and I whipped up some fluffy scrambled eggs & snuggled inside. After we had finished our breakfast, we did the obligatory parent with child snow thing. Aka bundled up our toddler in a bulky snowsuit and ushered her outside. Sure she could barely walk in the crunchy snow and may have face planted ten a few times, her nose may have been dripping and her cheeks certainly rosy, but her smile as she walked through the neighborhood made up for it all.

Let's cross our fingers for some more (weekday) snow this season. I could use a day off.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Do you know what is a great Christmas gift for 2 spankin new homeowners with no style?

An interior decorator consult.

And not just with any rando...a spectacular & creative woman who did all this when we said "I do"...

Mary is a good friend of my parents and was more than happy to spend her MLK day moving around furniture, nailing holes in the wall, and organizing my pantry (true story, it looks FAB). She loved our house from the minute she walked in and was running ideas past us before I could even hang up her coat. There were 2 main areas of the house that I wanted to focus on throughout the day; the living room & eat-in kitchen. The previous owners had knocked down the wall between the dining room & living area and now it is one long family room. This was appealing to us as we would rather not have a formal dining room. We have the room divided into two parts: one is our living space where we spend the majority of our time. The back part..will be our soon to be playroom/office..ta da!! We will also be painting the walls a more neutral tan color.

Mary had a great idea of putting tall bookcases on either side of the back window and then a shorter bookcase underneath the window. To resemble a classy storage wall system. We can put baskets at the bottom to organize Saige's toys and fill the rest of the shelves with books, frames, and other knick knacks. Something around this look but a dark oak color:

Mary is on the hunt for the bookshelves while we will be heading to Home Depot this weekend to buy materials for our desk nook. There is a little nook off our eat-in kitchen which will be turned into a work/study area. Somewhere to keep ourselves organized..instead of throwing everything on the entryway table. So guilty of that. Here is the area now:

..and here is just the basic gist of what we will be building. Just a simple desk with shelves.

I am so excited about these new projects and even more anxious to see what Mary finds for our house. It has such great potential and it was so helpful to have someone with a set of fresh eyes and a knack for decor. Stay tuned!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

1) I occasionally chuck one of my cats across the room when they won't leave me the hell alone. Or turn the shower on when they are drinking water from the bathtub.

2) I had to buy urine gone this weekend bc one of the above mentioned felines decided to pee on the carpet. It does come with a black light and is pretty nifty.

*side note - remember that show on MTV called "room raiders" where they would use the black light in guys beds? Yuck*

3) I ate a DQ Oreo blizzard for dinner on Monday night. But then my dumbass put the leftovers in the fridge and not the freezer. No bueno.

4) Saige eats pizza about 3x a week. It's absolutely one of her favorites and when everything else gets thrown on the floor? Pizza it is...again.

5) I'm slightly devastated that this is the final season for Desperate Housewives. I've watched it since Day 1 and am a huge fan. Sure it's gotten somewhat crazy this final season but damn those housewives have got it going on. I secretly inspire to be a mix of Gaby and Bree. Seductive beauty meets Martha effin Stewart.

6) I probably give all my neighbors a weekly peep show due to the limited number of times I close the blinds. The hubs scolds me on this weekly. Our bedroom has 3 windows, all which face the street. Hope there are no peeping toms in Havertown.

7) I have left my keys in the door overnight. But what makes it much more frightening - there have been burglaries over the holiday season. Lesson learned. Won't happen for a bit again.

8) There are Little People all over my house. Yesterday I found a donkey in my slipper. The day before, a princess in the fridge. And I swore we wouldn't be that family with toys everywhere.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Things come up that throw off all your plans, especially when you add a new home and baby to the mix.

On Saturday we had plans to head to the dirty Jerz to visit some of the hubs college friends who live in Hoboken and Rutherford. We hadn't seen a few of them for awhile and one happens to expecting a little bundle of joy come June. So Friday night we had a relaxing night at home and put S to sleep around 8. She fell asleep quickly but woke up around 10 shrieking and hollering like hell. Nothing would calm her down. Not milk, not rocking, not rubbing her back, none of my usual tricks. We were so desperate around midnight that we put her in the car and drove around, which is something we've never had to do in the last 15 months.

It didn't work. She finally fell back asleep around 1 am but was back up to party from 2-4. Needless to say, we were both exhausted & cranky when we woke up Saturday morning. Not only were we tired..but we were freezing. The heat had stopped working and our house was at a chilly 59 degrees. We layered ourselves with sweatshirts & vests until the serviceman finally arrived around noon. We ended up paying a ton of $$ for about 20 minutes of service and a new ignition switch. The joys of home ownership.

Needless to say we didn't get to NJ. Instead we spent the rest of the day taking naps and checking out bed skirts. And for Saige and her sleep? Damn you molars. You're lucky you're cute.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The babe has been fed, bathed, hydrated, and is now off to dreamland..

We have ate a frozen meal in front of the tv dined, cleaned up, and now are on to the relaxation part of the evening..which includes more tv watching, blog reading, online shopping, etc.

As usual..my sports-obsessed hubby has on some sort of sporting event. UGH. Or we are flipping back and forth between ESPN and the NBA, which is the absolute worst in my opinion. So after a few minutes and some not so nice words to the hubby, I retreat upstairs to watch TV in the bedroom.

I catch up on my DVR'ed shows peacefully while lying in bed..and then I turn off the lights to go to sleep. Before I know it, the hubs is trudging up the stairs asking if he can watch the rest of the game upstairs. And this is how our nightly convo will go:

Q: "Brandon, NO!! I came up here to watch what I wanted to watch and now i'm going to sleep"

Monday, January 9, 2012

Once Saige turned 12 months I have gotten lazy stopped my monthly update posts. She is doing so many fun and exciting things lately that I thought I would write down a few here so that I don't forget this stage (and I also need something to blog about, to be honest). She is now about 14.5 months old going on 13 basing it on her love for electronics. Why play with our expensive toys when we can have the remote, iphone, macbook, or iPad? She did get a new toy phone for Christmas but obviously prefers the real deal. She puts all sorts of objects up to her ear and says "Hiiiiii". It's pretty freaking adorable. Sometimes we even conference call with the remote on one ear and the phone on the other.

She also has developed a new love/obsession for accessorizing. Everything that will fit goes on her wrist or her ankles. My MIL has given her a ton of plastic bangles that she carries around constantly...and she throws a mini tantrum if you try to take them away. Over Christmas break she was destroying going through my bathroom cabinet at my parents house and found a set of pearls that now she has deemed her own. I have no idea if they are real or not but I will certainly never be getting them back.

A major event is that we are finally wearing hats...woohoo!!! It was going to have to happen at sometime or else we were moving to Florida. And i'm not a lover of 100 degree temps, alligators, and humidity.

We have battled the sickies this past month and Saige literally runs away from me when she sees me coming towards her to wipe her nose. That damn nose has been running like a fountain lately. We have also been battling at all mealtimes due to her pickiness with food. I think she would eat fruit all day long if she could..mixed with some goldfish and applesauce. She is a bit finicky with textured food such as spiral macaroni or spaghettios. She loves french toast sticks, mini pancakes, ziti, string cheese, and chex mix. We used to like chicken nuggets but now we lick the ketchup off and spit the chicken out? Oh the toddler years. It can be incredibly frustrating but we couldn't love her anymore. I could kiss those sweet cheeks forever.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I had set such high hopes on Tuesday when I returned back to work after the Holiday vacation. I was somewhat excited about my resolutions and had a precent decent morning at work until...

I got this dreaded email from my principal:

"I just found out that Ms. Odom will no longer be with us. Please do not send kids to the Nurse unless it is an emergency. We are due to have a two day Nurse only. (Tues. & Thur.)"

Please insert foot into my ass and hand me a bandaid and stethoscope.

You see, my school district is basically broke. Actually it is broke. We barely have any white copy paper left - true story. They are laying off employees like mad..yet there is still as much work to be done. So that work is being passed on to others, also known as myself.

I used to just be a school counselor. I did peer mediation, led small counseling groups, handled conflict resolution..all that good stuff that I went to graduate school for and enjoyed. Now this year? I barely have time to drink my morning coffee. Because now do I not only handle my previous counseling duties, but I also am in charge of attendance, discipline/behavior, late slips, student of the month, Friday Bingo, and other miscellaneous duties. We used to have a Student Advisor & Parent Ombdudsman but both those positions were axed from the district.

One of my fellow counselor friends is at another school in district where they also have a part-time nurse. And guess who ends up slapping bandaids on kids, stabbing legs with epipens, and finding a dry pair of pants for the first grader who decided to pee himself? Yep thats right...its all her. And I am 99% sure that will be me.

Now I haven't been at work since Tuesday..because I woke up yesterday wanting to claw my eyes out. Like my eyebrow bone actually hurt. I went to the eye doctor only to find out that I have pink eye in both eyes, a scratch on my cornea, and an infection from contact lens overwear. Oh and it's contagious. Awesome. So I have been hiding out in our bedroom...wearing sunglasses over my glasses due to the light sensitivity. I wish I was kidding. These antibiotic eye drops better start working soon or I may lock myself in a dark room forever.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So what is going to happen in 2012? The hubs and I will turn 27, we will celebrate our 2 year anniversary, Saige will turn 2, I will hopefully find a new job (crossing our fingers & toes)...so not a whole lot of major events. Except many weddings, baby showers, bridal showers to attend.

In previous years, we always brought in the New Year with vodka, beer, and ridiculous dance moves. This year we played it low-key by having a seafood fest with the family and our heads hitting the pillows at approximately 12:03 am. We had already had quite the day, witnessing a horrific tragic car accident, so I was sure to count my blessings and say my prayers that night. As we surge into 2012, I do have some resolutions, hopes/desires that will hopefully be fulfilled:

1. Be a better blogger. Gah I am terrible at staying on top of it. I love reading all your blogs - just can never think of anything to write on my own. Or maybe its that I need to write about more personal topics. I think I focus too much on trying to be witty. I just need to write for me. So my personal goal is to blog at least 4 days a week. Thats right. And I plan on sticking to that goal, and I need more followers.

2. Become a morning person aka stop hitting snooze five times and then running around trying to get myself and the babes ready. Because i'm pretty sure thats what happens 5/5 days a week. I have already gotten a memo this school year about latenesses and I can't get anymore. I literally need an alarm that yanks me out of bed and throws me in the shower. I'm sure my mornings would be much more pleasant if I wasn't so rushed 99% of the time.

3. Stop/minimize the nagging of the husband. Sure he doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher or hang his towel up, but the hubs needs some encouragement & love. Not just a little gnat in his ear looking over his every move. Hmm..or perhaps one of his resolutions should be to be more helpful? I also need to make some time for hubs/wife dates. So often I find myself exhausted by 9 pm that the last thing I want to do is have quality time with the hubs. I'd rather go upstairs to the bedroom, watch some reality tv, and go to bed. It seems that many wifes/moms have fallen into this trend.

4. Save $$ & stop excessive spending. Remember that budget post I wrote back in August? Well guess how much I have saved since then? Not a whole lot. And now with the holidays and expenses for the new house, there isn't much disposable income around the L household. So I hope to start off 2012 with less purchases (now only if Lilly, JCrew, and Loft would stop sending me emails).