In view of the previous. Richard Rose, the mystic, talks somewhere about a reckless drunkard who achieved enlightenment (or something similar) by constantly repeating the Lord's prayer to himself - all the while going to bars to drink himself stiff and doing reckless things and leading his crazy life as a nobody. That's very interesting - and likely authentic. Because it shows that at some levels of despair you can actually invoke some higher powers to pull you by the hair out of all the mud. It does take significant despair and serious abandonment though.

This is to say that abandonment can be a worthy ideal - instead of scrambling to get back on your feet, rather try harder to go even lower. This is socially unnatural, but it's also instinctual.

My mother once screamed at me both in pain, anger and disgust: you're flat out on your belly and you can't pick yourself up!

I agree with that assessment. Except that I am obviously not flat-out enough as yet. It could just be that most of my conflicts are a result of not wanting to go completely flat as far as possible. Because fuck - it's extremely scary.