Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A: A slow-pork.

Money comes like a turtle and goes like a rabbit.

If a turtle loses it's shell is it naked or homeless?

Some turtles possess the ability to absorb oxygen directly from the water in which they swim.

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a turtle walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the turtle's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the turtle. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet turtle walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my turtle."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the turtle falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a turtle."

Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a turtle sitting next to him.
"Are you a turtle?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The turtle replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a large tortoise in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that turtle?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the turtle again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that turtle to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"