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A link to this gem popped up in my Facebook feed this morning, and oh dear, what a perfect Gordian knot of online dating FAIL.

The content is all screenshots, and I can’t be bothered to save/upload/display them on this blog, so I recommend you follow the link to see how the conversation goes. I will fill in with my commentary. My thoughts, occurring in approximately this order:

Judging by her use of “we” pronouns, I suspect this user represents a couple who are looking for a threesome partner. And that’s fine! I’m not interested in threesome-ing, but good luck to them. Compared to most unicorn-hunters, this one seems fairly inoffensive. I see at least one face in the profile pic, and the language they use in the message is (while grammatically cringeworthy) more comforting than what I usually get from couples seeking bi women. I suspect this young woman and her boyfriend are more likeable people than most of the pairs that want a piece of my ass.

When they say they “read [my] profile and like it,” though? Nah, I don’t believe they read my profile. I put a clause in my profile in which I encourage interested users to pay me a compliment that has nothing to do with my looks. That shouldn’t be too difficult, yes? I mean, if you’re messaging me on OKCupid, I assume you can look at me and not cringe. If you want to take up my time, surely you should be able to appreciate something about me aside from the fact that I’m not ugly. I don’t think that’s asking too much, and yet so many people cannot give me this much when they show up in my inbox. They all want to tell me I’m pretty! In the grand scheme, it’s not a bad problem to have, but if they can’t even be bothered to puke up something basic like, “You seem smart and have interesting hobbies,” then we won’t get along very well. (If they simply have terrible reading comprehension, I feel for them, but we still won’t get along.) Telling me I’m pretty is boring. Do better.

So with that in mind, I don’t think this user liked my profile. I’m not convinced they even visited my profile. I think this is yet another user who ran a search for bi women within a certain geographical radius and age range, gathered up all the usernames with decent-looking profile pics, and sent the same message to all of them at once. That shit is insulting, folks. We’re not an undifferentiated mass of interchangeable bodies. Do not treat us like we’re all the same.

Since my post this morning, someone else found my blog today by searching:

okcupid hide from straights

Ooooh, my dear, sometimes I wonder. This thing happened last night.

Someone with a 90% match says to me: “Please please don’t be an ameba or jerk like many here, at least dare to message me. Seriously, give it a try! Oh, yes, I’ve done my homework, I’ve read your profile and enjoy it.”

This is an example of how a high match percentage only goes so far.

Does he think I have packing foam for brains?

He implies that I’d be a jerk not to reply to his message, and yet there’s nothing there to suggest that he read my profile. Nothing in his message appears to have been written to me in particular. Doesn’t even address me by my username. Nothing to suggest he didn’t send the exact same set of words to dozens of users all at once, chosen for geographic proximity and decent-looking profile pics. But I’d be a jerk not to respond. Right.

And what the fuck does an amoeba have to do with his dating difficulties? Maybe he thinks I’ll respond just to ask what that’s supposed to mean. He’s mistaken.

If the post title looks like word salad, never fear: I’m engaging in a bit of grammar pedantry. Give me a moment and it’ll make sense.

This showed up in my inbox at OKC:

Someone with a 38% match percentage says to me: I hope you don’t mind me writing you though I don’t know if you just date white boys, lol, I can’t believe it’s raining! Are you going to cook out and see the fireworks? I hope your [sic] down to earth and do write me back to see if we click since I like what I read in your page.

Maybe it’s unfair of me to harp on his confusing your/you’re, as this message shows better language skills than most of what I get.

Do YOU see the places where this user is trying to manipulate his recipients into responding to him?

When he says, “I don’t know if you just date white boys, lol” he’s not really worried that I’ll be annoyed about getting a message from him. It’s a dating site. We expect to get messages from people we’ve never met. The system wouldn’t function otherwise. The meaning here is really that I am expected to write back to him, to prove that I don’t only date white guys.

The sad thing about this is that I’m sure it works. There probably are plenty of white ladies on OKC who will spend valuable time on a conversation with a guy who does not interest them, just to demonstrate that they’re not racist. (And that is not the sort of mindset that leads to healthy relationships.)

Can you see how this is uncool?

Nobody owes you a conversation. It’s fine if you send a message, but no one is obligated to respond. Not even if she’s more privileged than you. She still doesn’t owe you her time.

Same thing with “I hope your [sic] down to earth and do write me back.” It’s a challenge for the recipient to give you her time, lest she be seen as a snob.

(I am the kind of person who uses “lest” in a sentence. This probably means I’m not down-to-Earth, so, bullet dodged!)

Also, this is yet another message in which the writer gives no sign of having actually read my profile. He may have copy-pasted the same message to dozens of white ladies with US locations all at the same time. That’s not the sort of thing that makes me want to write back.

No, really, I assume this user wrote up this message and shot-gunned it to dozens of bi women all at once.

I’m a not-skinny bisexual redhead, and I’m looking for someone who can go to the trouble of writing a message that shows they’ve actually read my profile. If I added a line to my profile saying, “I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BEING PART OF A THREESOME,” I wonder if these messages would stop.

Not that there’s anything wrong with couples using dating sites to find threesome partners! It’s not a role I want to play, but surely there are some people out there who’d like to play with couples? And maybe even say so in their dating profiles? Either way, surely these couples would have better luck in finding their threesome partners if they took the time to write to people individually. I’ve received messages from plenty of couples looking for another woman to join them for hot three-ways, and they’re all like this! I can tell when I’m getting the same message as every other decent-looking bi woman within a certain age range and geographical radius, and it feels insulting. We’re not interchangeable.

“You will never get a man like that.” Heeee! Funny, how I’ve had plenty of conversations with people who didn’t think it was cute to begin a conversation with, “But do you like sex?” Yes, even on OKC! I’ve been on the site long enough to have found many perfectly decent people using it. This one is far from the worst, but he’s hardly the best it has to offer. I’ve already attracted the notice of a number of people (both men and women!) who have better social skills and more respect for boundaries than Mr. 76% Match.

Commenting on the supposed ridiculousness of the site doesn’t make your asshattery any more charming.

Oh, and I hear from 22-year-olds who behave more appropriately than this 54-year-old.

That’s my username blurred out at the top, but something tells me they sent the same message to a lot of users at the same time. Part of me is tempted to respond to this message and ask for specifics on what led them to choose me as a possible candidate for their triad.

A handful of little birds told me about these messages received by various women around OKCupid, and I agreed to use them as examples in a post of What Not to Do in Online Dating, Dudes.

Oh, who am I kidding? There is no “little bird told me” here. These all came to my inbox. These are all recent additions to your blogger’s experiences in online dating.

I’m giving advice that applies to everyone seeking everyone, but since I’m a woman who gets messages mostly from men, I’m going to frame this as advice to men seeking women.

First on the docket is this guy:

Is this like a modified negging?

At first I thought maybe I’d reply to this guy as an experiment. I’d tell him about how annoying it is that I keep getting messages from guys who don’t appear to have read my profile, and see how he responded to that.

It’s a sign of how jaded I am, as a woman who sees (and sometimes experiences) the range of skeevy shit that men pull to try and pressure women into opening up to them. My first impression of this message was that this user was trying some PUA shit, similar to “negging,” in which he’s trying to get me to respond and show him that I’m not like all those other, soulless online daters who can’t take the time to get to know someone.

Like I said: jaded. This is no country for Pollyanna.

I’ve decided against engaging with him, though, because he very well could be sincere. He might be genuinely put off by his experiences in online dating and just wants someone to talk to.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to become his new friend, though.

I’ll tell you what really does irk me about this message, regardless of my assuming the worst of his motives: there’s no sign that he has actually read my profile. I can’t tell that he wrote this message specifically for me.

I see this happening a lot. Usually it’s just a generic, barely even existent little fart in my inbox. I don’t think “hi how r u” or even “hi princess hows it going?” is adequate for introducing yourself to someone you’d like to date, but maybe I’m just a snob. Sometimes, though, I get lengthy, detailed, well-composed messages that seem to be very thoughtful until I take a step back and realize that the user copy/pasted his missive to a number of accounts who fit his demographic requirements but don’t seem to have much else in common.

I’m sure this happens to everyone to some extent, but then I also get an additional dose as a bisexual woman. I get the messages from couples who want to find another woman to join them in threesomes, so they scoop up a bunch of bi women’s accounts and just shotgun these transparently non-personalized “please give us a chance” missives without even checking our profiles for any sign that we’re into threesomes. I mean, we’re bi, so, obviously we MUST be into threesomes. Duh. Which is why these poor sad couples need to spray their come-ons at as many women simultaneously as they can.

Now I’ll show you some more guys who’ve hit my Squick buttons, and very recently. I don’t mean this as a tall glass of Guys, Don’t Do That. It’s more a helping of Guys, Do This Instead. Let it never be said that feminists are humorless, sex-phobic harpies who want men to be miserable. I am handing out FREE ADVICE to improve your chances of a response, dudes! I can’t give you advice that’ll guarantee a reply, and certainly none that’s certain to make a woman want to jump on your peen. That advice doesn’t exist. I will, however, help you to get out of your own way. Especially if you’re seeking an intelligent, thoughtful woman for a long-term relationship.

This pair of messages just appeared in my OKC inbox, and…I’m honestly not quite sure what this guy is trying to say in the second message.

But…what?

I won’t even bother with the wisdom of telling someone she reminds you of someone with whom you’ve already had a failed relationship.

The second message is a good example of the value of punctuation. There’s not a single mark in that sentence (sentences?) to show the relationships between phrases, and I’m having a genuinely difficult time sussing out what he’s trying to say.

Option 1: “It’s not surprising you’re single, as you’ve been on this site a long time.”

This is a negging attempt, and a tautology. Not attractive. It manages to be both obnoxious and pathetic at the same time.

Option 2: “It’s not surprising you’ve been on this site a long time, as you are single.”

Another tautology; a meaningless observation. Not negging, but still pathetic.

Option 3: “You have been on this site a long time without establishing a successful relationship due to some other personal failure on your part which I have neglected to describe.”

Still negging, still obnoxious and yet transparently stupid.

If he thinks I’m going to respond just to ask him to specify what exactly that unpunctuated sentence means, he is sorely mistaken.

The best way to show you’re totally ready for True Love is to set up a website in which you spend almost 1400 grammar-impaired words detailing what you must have in a potential partner. And you offer to pay someone to help you find this ideal woman. Yep, this guy’s totally gonna make some beautiful, well-employed yet sexually inexperienced girl very happy. Absolutely. (I will underline all his spelling/grammatical errors, just for fun.)

I am looking for a decent girl that wants to be in a long term monogamus relationship with me.

I want the girl to be attractive.

Wouldn’t it be a refreshing change of pace if we saw someone say, “I want my girlfriend to be as unappealing as possible”? Doesn’t everyone want the girl to be attractive? Isn’t that a tautology, anyway? If you want someone, it’s because she’s attractive to you.

I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl.

*looks at muffin top* Awww, am I not good enough for him?

I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine.

Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me.

Inability to make proper use of the indefinite article is a dealbreaker for me.

I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair.

ZZZZzzz *wakes up suddenly* I’m sorry, was he saying something?

Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.

Bleh. I don’t want to be a bearer of this guy’s favorite hair color. Thank goodness I chopped my mane down to pixie length recently.

I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl.

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.

Dude can pry my big chunky Jill Stuart frames off my cold, dead face.

I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man.

This is the most sensible thing he says in the whole list. The world does not need any more of his genes.

I will not date a girl that does not have a job or career.

I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything.

He wants a woman who’s economically independent, yet totally under his control. Y’all watch this next one:

I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.

YOU LIVE IN AMERICA, LEARN TO WRITE IN ENGLISH.

To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!

Her body is the most beautiful work of Art (with a capital A), just as long as it’s not fat or black. And it’s never given birth. And she hasn’t ornamented it on her own terms.

I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again.

*yawn*

I do not like gamblers. I will not be in any relationship with a woman that gambles or wastes money on such things.

I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.

Dude, seriously? Not even the chicks in the locker room at the pool?

I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.

I will not date any guy who uses the word “slut” without irony.

I will not date any girl that can not always be honest & faithful to me. This is very important.

Honest, but will never criticize or disagree with him.

I prefer a girl that does not smoke, but as long as she does not smoke in my house or around me, if she can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I lived with my ex girlfriend for Eleven years, and she was a smoker.

Look, just say you want a non-smoker. Don’t bring your ex into it.

I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.

As evidenced by the way Mr. Sleepless in Austin keeps talking about his ex.

I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all.

I will not date a controlling, judgmental, shallow, unoriginal douche-nugget who can’t even run his long-winded laundry list through a spell-check, so that works out just fine.

I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.

Sarcastic and cynical people tend not to have any patience for delusional nonsense. I can see how that would be a problem for him.

I know sometimes on my website here, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of girl may get along with me.

I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can live in peace together if at some point the girl & I live together. I like to live in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me.

Just don’t say anything unless you know he agrees with it. Smile, nod and act like he’s your lord and master, but don’t expect him to pay for everything.

I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!

Dresses on the conservative side, except for when she puts on a mini skirt and sexy boots or spiked heels to show off her non-overweight bod. Dude’s got some exclamation marks and he needs to put them to good use.

I like a girl that takes care of herself and keeps herself clean of course.

Something tells me this is code for “no body hair, ever.”

I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!

You can order yourself a Real Doll, and specify that she have long red hair, no glasses, weigh no more than 130 pounds, and you can dress her in sexy lingerie and thigh-highs all day long. You’ll never have to worry about her getting a tattoo or piercing. I think that would solve a lot of your problems.

I need a girl that can be very warm & affectionate and loving.

It’s also nice if the girl has a big heart and appreciates simples things, and understands the value of sentimental things etc.

I like a girl that appreciates romance and the art of courtship.

Guys, if you have any 14-year-old sisters, hide them. I suspect this guy likes ’em young.

Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, dear. He will demand that his girlfriend move in with him ASAP, and he’ll get all clingy and possessive if she ever tries to have an overnight without him.

And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha :-D

It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.

Is there such a thing as necessary self-mutilation?

I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.

Now I’m not saying having had a kid or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a woman that’s never had kids if possible. My ex-girlfriend that I was with for Eleven years never had kids, she couldn’t because of a hysterectomy at a young age.

That…is…a lot of word count to devote to why you must have a woman with no obstetrical history. It’s also a very intimate, unnecessary fact to divulge about your ex. It’s a great way to show us how shallow you are, though, in case your aversion to non-skinny bodies wasn’t signal enough. Did you forget the part where you rail on about the evils of sagging tits?

I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship, and I like to give it as well.

I also have a very high sex drive.

I guess that’s why the girl must have a super-tight pussy?

Since you like sex so much, I’ll give you a hint: short hair doesn’t get in the way!