Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Palpitation: Who's Using What How?

(Geese in a row.)

Last week, I mentioned that the new protected (or sheltered, or whatever they are) bike lanes they're building now in New York City may be a curse instead of a blessing. Well, after almost Hasselbecking a woman with a stroller who stepped off the curb and into the bike lane without looking, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that they are the former. Fortunately, I was able to avert tragedy thanks to a potent combination of meh-riffic bike-handling skills, a natural aversion to injuring small children, and a set of superfluous, pro-establishment, completely un-Zen brakes.

But while I employ bike-handling mostly to avoid flattening pedestrians and to keep from getting lapped more than once in cyclocross races, other riders have raised bike-handling to an artform. A number of people have forwarded me this impressive video, in which Danny MacAskill avoids innumerable invisible pregnant women and strollers with mind-boggling agility:

Holy crap.

I wanted to read more about Danny MacAskill, so I went to his sponsor's website, where I learned that he wears Calvin Klein underwear:

I'm guessing what happened here is that one of his teammates gave him a wedgie, and being the accomplished trickster that he is he's trying to extract the underpants from his posterior by using the rotation of the rear wheel instead of simply reaching in there with his hands. I believe in the world of trials riding this is what's known as a "taint grinder."

At this point, you may find yourself asking the same question I did, which is: "If Danny MacAskill can do things like ride on top of wrought-iron fences and pull his Calvin Kleins out of his ass in mid-air using only his rear wheel, what are the fixed-gear freestylers up to?" In order to find out, I first visited the "tricktrack" forums. However, they seemed to be doing pretty much the same thing I was, which was being all agog over the Danny MacAskill video. Then I went to fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly's blog, but he was all wrapped up in restoring a headset. This complacency worried me. Personally, if I were a fixed-gear freestyler, I wouldn't be rooting around in my parts bin; I'd be on the nearest tennis court with my Scattante trying to figure out how to completely remove my underpants like Hansel did in the "walk-off" scene in "Zoolander."

Finally, I went to Trackosaurusrex (where both fixed-gears and the exclamation point reign supreme), where I found this:

The video included a Bad Brains song that didn't go with the video, an appropriated Dead Kennedys logo, and some clumsy examples of what can best be called "artistic schluffing," but that was about it. It was also paired with another video, which was similarly anticlimactic:

While I'll be the first to admit that the fixed-gear freestyle scene consists of some good bike-handlers who have taken the arts of downloading music and hopping curbs to new heights, I can't help feeling that in some ways it's still the cycling equivalent of this:

I'd like to thank the reader who forwarded me that video, but that's sort of like thanking someone who's just given you a wedgie.

At any rate, while I'm still not impressed by fixed-gear freestyling, I'll stop short of saying they should try bikes with smaller wheels that coast. If people want to do tricks on fixed-gears with 700c wheels, they should do tricks on fixed-gears with 700c wheels. If people want to do tricks on Dutch city bikes, they should do tricks on Dutch city bikes. (I'm working on a move where I remove a bra while doing a tail whip on a Dutch city bike.) You're perfectly free to use whatever equipment you want, provided that you are willing to accept the compromises. I may think that fixed-gear freestyling is like eating a pizza bagel, and that if you want pizza you might as well just eat an actual slice, but hey--some people like pizza bagels. Anyway, the same thing can be said of bike locks, and can also be applied to this photo, forwarded to me by a reader:

As you can see, the rider has a relatively robust u-lock, but instead of using it to secure the bike, he's instead simply using it to join what is either a really flimsy steel cable or a couple feet of clothesline. Basically, this is like wearing your socks over your shoes.

In the meantime, here in New York City we have more pressing concerns than which bikes people are using for tricks. Not only are our new bike lanes actually more dangerous, but we've got a bike parking crunch too. It's so bad that color coordination has fallen by the wayside, and pink bikes and red bikes are now forced to share poles:

That's a truly nauseating "colorway," though I bet I could do some rad tricks on that pink bike. Once I remove the rear rack and fender I can even palp "taint grinders."

Of course, to address the parking crunch, the city is installing those giant fan boats. Really, though, they should probably think about getting rid of some of the dead bikes first. As much as I love the Dura Ace chopper, it's been in the same spot for years:

As you can see here, it's decayed quite a bit since I last photographed it in January 2008. I admit it does serve as a testament to the effectiveness of a good bike-locking job, but I think even the most optimistic person has to admit that its rider is never going to return. I don't know who the owner of the Dura Ace chopper is, though I have a feeling that he moved to California sometime in the late 90s, grew a magnificent beard, and now rides a recumbent.

The problem of dead bikes extends to actual bike racks too. Here's a perfect example of a rack that should be pruned:

At first glance you might think that there are three bikes here, but if you look closer you'll see a pile of rust on the sidewalk which could easily be the decayed remains of a fourth. A forensic examination would probably reveal that it's a Magna from the mid-1980s:

I'd think it would be easier and less expensive to clean up some of these old bike racks than it would be to install new ones, but then again I also think it would be easier to do tricks on bikes that coast. And that's clearly old-fashioned thinking.

So, yesterday, for the third time in a month, the "comments" icon was missing from the bottom of the post. Is one of the internets broken, or, as I suspect, have my comments become so lame that my ability to post is actually being curtailed? Anybody?

Snobbie: we should encourage the hipsters to perfect their McAskill taint grind. The upside being after enough practice they'll both be rid of any hipster chick rashes and likely be self neutered. That'd be putting the "fixed" into fixie culture.

Man, it is great to see that the old BMX freestylers who didn't jump on fixies right away and can't due to the door being closed can now enjoy all of the rad tricking without having to get away from freewheeling.

That Danny guy's not bad, but can he do an elephant trunk skid? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not even going to go into the fact that he uses a brake (and a disc one to boot!). Does he not know how to be one with his bike? Where's the fucking zen dude?

If only one of these freestylin freaks would break the cycle and attempt to practice one of the three tricks the scene has perfected on a freewheeled bike with fatter tires, there would be no turning back, like when I discovered basketball is alot easier when you use an actual basketball instead of a football, all of a sudden we were dribbling, like who knew? This weekend I'm borrowing my boys madone and taking it to the trails, them skinny wheels might get caught up in the rock garden but I'm straight up dustin everybody on the climbs, it aint an outrageous magna but its fast.

I NEED one of theose "Outrageous" chainring pie plates from the Magna. That was back when they sold them at upscale snooty places like Toys'R'Us. Now a Magna can be purchased at Wal-Mart and donated to the local bum bike pool 9 months later when it is found abandoned behind some Section 8 housing.

The rack in front of my building is being pruned by someone. First there was a Cannondale M-300 that was stripped over time to just the frame. They even took the fork. Now there's a Specialized Hard Rock that's down to the frame, fork, and crank. Perhaps the city has some sort of checklist of when they finally cut the lock - I'm guessing that once the crank is swiped, the lock gets cut and what's left goes to the Recyclery.

Oh, one more thing- in the first video, is that one guy riding smaller wheels? it looks like that one bike has 650s or a ridiculously large rider/frame. I'd give a better description but I can't bring myself to watch the video again.

if yor trying to kill yorself you can just pull out a gun and fire away or you can take ricky mushroom hunting and give him all the bad ones and eats the leftovers if you knows what im saying boy howdy

but if you want to do it with style im saying watch that nitro circus show on tv them fellers do some serious stupid shit and no one is going to feel that sorry for them and they is making lots of money for doing it

and not to be critical or nothing but that streetbike tommy dood is a douchebag

i figured it out by the way i knowd id seen it before when me and ricky go gatoring well see these old rattlesnake skins where the snakes done wiggled out of there old skins and leave them hanging around so im figuring that those bikes had like evolved or something and left there old skins right there at the bike rack

Slayer would make 'Band of Horses' bow down before them. Then Slayer would chop off Band of Horses'es heads with a fucking sword.Then Slayer would make Band of Horses beg forgiveness, even though Band of Horses have done nothing wrong.

Thanks so much on the street furniture theme. Out here in the Bay area, San Francisco recently designed bicycle route signs. Rather than something readable (such as the classic bike icon and route number with maybe a north or south indicator) they San Francisco Bicycle Coalition in all it's wisdom pressed for a full color design that incorporates an images of fog, the golden gate bridge, a bicycle, and finally a route number with the north or south indicator.Needless to say it is unreadable at speed. And it's ugly.

I can't speak for all my sisters, but I do know that for me, a man who can move his hips like that is worth his weight in gold!

And, if that's not enough, the clip has a chick-song as background. Oh yes. I'm in love... I'm pretty sure that was the intent of the video.

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Sorry, Snobbie. You caught my attention with the bra-removal-while-on-a-Dutch-City-Bike thing. (Especially, since their shop is down the road apace from here.) You seem to have just revealed that you're not into women who ride bikes, after all. (Maybe just the large-breasted ones who only dare to pose with bikes?)

Such a trick may be possible on a Dutch City Bike (DCB), as they will allow for riding in 'regular street clothes'. This is not going to be possible on a road bike, as 'real' women who ride road, usually wear sports bras--or as they should be known, 'clipless'. And yes, it's because they're laterally stiff and vertically compliant.

Now, if you can get one of those things to come off, while you're riding a DCB, you deserve a lot more than a video on YouTube. Band of Horses, or no.

Though, maybe the idea was that the bra-wearer was not on a bike at all, as you breeze by on the DCB.. Snobbie shops outside the "culture" perhaps?

Something always irked me about fixed gear freestyle videos, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until now. It seems like all of those MacaMashSFa videos were missing something while they aped the skateboarding video visual camera work. Thanks to this McAskill fella, I now realize what that "something" is: going balls out with the big guns. It's all well and good to watch some dude on a track back hover in one place, doing his ticky-tacky handle bar ballet routine, but damn if watching this be-wedgie'd Scotsman backflip off a tree trunk, fly off one bank to another or 360 a staircase didn't get me "...pumped, bro!" Mac-A-Skill, indeed.

Sidenote: You do realize that the fanboats/bikeracks/benches are merely a pratical adaptation of the mandated MTA flood plan storm grate expansions going on city-wide, right? Right.http://www.downtownexpress.com/de_274/mtasflood.html

There's nothing practical about those abominations. Raising the subway vent grates and adding benches and bike racks is just another absurd waste of time and money, especially in these trying economic times.

i'm so raw i didn't even take my daddies trust fund check this month to get shiny new green rims on my bad ass fixy. I know when i'm peddaling down the street to whole foods without brakes and gasoline power I am just so much more important and better than even the most selfless decaying bum on the sidewalk. PSSSHAAAAAaW

I agree about the abandoned bike issue. I've begun mapping them, with photos. www.ibikenyc.com Once we get a map going, maybe we can follow chicago's lead (http://www.chicagobikes.org/forms/abandonedbike.php) and start to remove them.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!