An SEC Guide to B1G Bottom Feeder Scheduling

Oh, hello, my SEC friends. I didn't notice you there, lurking in the bushes outside of our B1G clubhouse like some kind of predatory villain from 48 Hours Mysteries or a Clive Cussler novel. It's nice to see you again, and it's especially nice to see you in a context outside of getting the absolute piss kicked out of ourselves by you in a January 1st bowl game.

I know that your despotic overlord Mike Slive has mandated that you no longer can schedule the likes of Southern Tennessee Metro A&M Tech and The Russ-Wilmington School for Troubled Youth for your late season filler games; you have now been directed to schedule at least one ACC, Big-12, Big Ten, or Pac-12 opponent on a yearly basis. I can understand the consternation that must cause you; after all, how long must Florida wait to avenge their narrow loss to longtime rivals Georgia Southern, a school that sounds made up for an Adam Sandler movie but actually is real?

Still, you're stuck with us. Sorry.

To make for that, I thought that it'd be prudent to give you something of a field guide to the Big Ten's soft underbelly, since God knows South Carolina isn't going to be scheduling the Buckeyes and Spartans year in and year out. And if it's soft underbelly you're looking for, boy howdy are you in luck, because our bellies are luxuriously soft and fleshy and unprotected.

INDIANA

Indiana is really a terrific pick for any out of conference opponent looking to get a sexy win over a supposed power conference. The Hoosiers allowed opponents to put up an average of almost 40 points a game last year, so your LSUs and Alabamas might be well served scheduling Kevin Wilson's ragtag group of misfits if ever they want to try and prove to (fool) the rest of the country that they have a functional offense. Another advantage is that the location of their football stadium is not disclosed to the locals, so whatever drunk redneck posse you decide to bring should have free reign of the place.

POTENTIAL PITFALLS

Keep in mind that Bloomington barely fits the definition of "civilization," and that any and all maps for the area list HERE THERE BE MONSTERS in every direction for about 30 miles. Just think of it like the Oregon Trail; you're probably going to lose a member of your party to snakebite or cholera, so plan for that.

IDEAL MATCHUP

Any team with a decent defense. Indiana can score points in weird bunches, and God help you if it's a night game and you can't leave early.

PURDUE

Purdue had one win last season, against Indiana State. They cracked the 25 point barrier once, against... well, the Hoosiers. All I'm saying is, if you want to play Middle Arkansas Tech without actually having to play Middle Arkansas Tech, you might want to schedule Purdue.

POTENTIAL PITFALLS

Your team will beat Purdue, so don't worry about that. Instead, worry about the psychic trauma that you and your team will sustain from the ghostly souls of furious Ohio State fans who died in a frenzy after seeing their season get inexplicably tanked in West Lafayette.

IDEAL MATCHUP

Bret Bielema's Razorbacks, because he's a wiener.

ILLINOIS

I had to look up Tim Beckman on Wikipedia to confirm that he is still, somehow, the head coach at Illinois. This is a team that did the world a moral good by beating both Miami of Ohio and Cincinnati in the same season, but beyond that it is a sad, sad little team that is just perfect for a gloomy, rainy SEC style IDGAF kind of football game that sets offensive gameplanning back 50 years and almost ends in a 6-6 tie. You can't throw the football at Memorial Stadium due to near constant hurricane force winds, but since you're an SEC team that won't even matter much! Just hunker down behind an offensive line that'll outweigh the Illini d-line by a metric ton, and bash their brains in for three and a half hours.

POTENTIAL PITFALLS

There is like a 45% chance that after the game Tim Beckman will shove his resume into your head coach's pocket and sob on his shoulder a little bit.

IDEAL MATCHUP

Alabama, because Nick Saban feeds on quiet desperation like some kind of bad football vampire and the bleakness of Champaign should sustain him for many, many years.

RUTGERS & MARYLAND

We don't know a whole lot about these guys, but they're probably bad.

POTENTIAL PITFALLS

Maybe might not be that bad? Haha just kidding, they will be.

IDEAL MATCHUP

Auburn, because it'd be kind of funny to see Gus Malzahn ring up 75 on them in their first few weeks as B1G denizens.

NORTHWESTERN

Finally, a "good" team. "Good" in quotes because they aren't really that good, but since you'll play them early in the season that veneer of competence probably won't have rubbed off quite yet. Fitz looks youthful and vibrant on the sidelines, Northwestern has some pretty slick uniforms, and the production booth can always throw in an establishing shot or five of Chicago to give the game some importance (despite most of Chicago being unaware that the Wildcats exist). It'd be a sexy matchup against a deceptively unsexy team.

Finally, you can always take a risk and schedule the likes of a Minnesota, an Iowa, a Wisconsin, or a Penn State, but keep in mind that those teams have shown flashes of semi-frequent competence on the football field. All I'm saying is, we've got a narrative to protect, and scheduling Big Ten schools that might potentially beat your teams is definitely not in the best interest of the SEC.

Some additional tips:

Don't look anyone from Michigan directly in the eye. That's taken as a direct insult and you'll have to have an annoying 20 minute debate about it online later.

Unlike at your games, there is no dress code to subtly reinforce ingrained social attitudes about the superiority of certain classes or races. So wear sweatpants or something, because this is America, dammit.

Go ahead and be an obnoxious turd. We definitely will be.

If you happen to see white specks falling from the sky, DO NOT PANIC. Stay perfectly still and a local will be around to help you shortly. Do not attempt to operate a motor vehicle, bike, or your own legs probably.

And that does it, my SEC friends! Bring your cocktail dresses and pink polo shirts and gelled hair under backwards baseball caps up north, to where football is pure and honest and generally kind of bad! We welcome your folksy ways, and as long as you can avoid being not too racist and keep the irritating "S-E-C" chants down to a minimum, we will gladly take your money and send you back to whatever weird kind of society that you've cobbled together in the south.

Also, if you're dumb enough to schedule the Buckeyes for an away game... maybe watch a little Mad Max to get you in the mood for what awaits you.

Comments

"Unlike at your games, there is no dress code to subtly reinforce ingrained social attitudes about the superiority of certain classes or races. So wear sweatpants or something, because this is America, dammit."

That was beautiful, man [wipes tear].

"The height of human desire is what wins, whether it's on Normandy Beach or in Ohio Stadium." -Wayne Woodrow Hayes

Absolutely hilarious, well done. Can you imagine an SEC team coming to Champaign or West Lafayette for an OOC game? That would be hilarious. There's a chance for a major upset there, I know there are lots of tornadoes in Alabama but that's nothing compared to the wind that whips through Memorial Stadium.

Hopefully when Slive was talking about these Marquee OOC games he intended them to beplayed in Week 10-Late October instead of early in the year. You know, instead of Chatanooga State, Bama gets to go to Chicago or something similiar.

Ive got respect for LSU and I think they will push for home and homes in order to A) bring a top flight team to death valley at night and B) to show they really can play anyone, anywhere. Bama loves neutral sites games so will use up their 1 OOC against a power conference with a game in Atlanta. I'd expect quite a few ACC/SEC match ups rather than B1G/SEC in order to keep SEC teams closer to home when they go 'away'. I doubt any big time SEC team will come play OSU in the shoe or Michigan in Ann Arbor. It'll likely be UK or Miss State that ventures north for the exposure. If I see the likes of Florida in Madison, Wisconsin during my lifetime, Ill eat my shoe, those pansies won't go outside of Florida unless they are forced.

You are right, in that Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, and now Kentucky all have in-state rivals that they already play every year from the ACC. This won't change

As much as many like to deride the SEC for scheduling FCS teams and the like (have at it, I'm not really a fan of it, though I will argue that it really doesn't matter) most of the teams, and all the top-tier teams already do this (schedule one marquee opponent). This rule is aimed at the Mississippi teams and the like who don't. Here is a good article laying out current future SEC OOC opponents - there are plenty of respectable games in there, and I look to see more now that the SEC scheduling has been set for the next few years. B10 matchups include Bama-Wisky (2015), Arky-Mich (2018-2019), Fl-Mich (2017), LSU-Wisky (2014,2016), LSU-PSU (2020), Mizzou-Indy (2014), Mizzou-Purdue (2017-2018), and TN-Neb (2026-2027)

The worst part about Florida being chicken to play up north is that their fans hate it. My family reunion usually ends up at the same time as a family of Florida alums, and all of them hate that Florida won't go on the road for big games outside the SEC.

Whenever I see a bloke wearing assless chaps, it reminds me of an O-U Halloween party back in the late 90's. I was drunk, in the Athens jail watching the yokels drool over a college boy wearing assless chaps. A most disturbing and unforgettable experience.

If you happen to see white specks falling from the sky, DO NOT PANIC. Stay perfectly still and a local will be around to help you shortly. Do not attempt to operate a motor vehicle, bike, or your own legs probably.

Having half of my family moved to Ohio from Tennessee, southerners are like this about snow, shoot if you cross the river here in Cincy in the winter it's like the end of the world on the other side. And I'd say the Shoe is more like a blood thirsty coliseum than Mad Max. No drinking and people tend to keep their pants on.

"The only good thing about it is winning the d*** thing" - Urban Meyer on The Game The War

If you happen to see white specks falling from the sky, DO NOT PANIC. Stay perfectly still and a local will be around to help you shortly. Do not attempt to operate a motor vehicle, bike, or your own legs probably.

Also, if it does snow, SEC fans buy only three things - milk, eggs, and bread, so watch out Kroger!

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

Here's the thing about that. In northern cities, if you didn't salt the roads, you would have impassable roads for months at a time - so it is worth the financial burden of purchasing, spreading, and maintaining salt reserves. In the south, without the salt, we have impassable roads for maybe half a day once or twice a year so it is not worth the expense - we just close the schools early or go into work a little late that day. Of course, we run the risk of that once-a-decade storm (like this past year) where the roads ice over unexpectedly in under an hour and there is nothing that can be done at that point but hike home. Many that have weathered a few such storms tend to over-react in the dairy and bread aisles, but that is why - eventually you will be stuck a couple days.

A bit of an exaggeration, I admit - but is it not true that snow or ice would stay frozen for extended periods of time on a regular basis? My aunt lives in Milwaukee and she often tells us how long that stuff hangs around.

According to the National Weather Service, Columbus had a total of 8 days below freezing during the 2013-2014 winter season, and all of them occurred during Jan/Feb. It was an unusually cold March and at least one cold snap in April so you can probably tack on another few days.

So even during the coldest months of the year (Jan & Feb) only one day each week dipped below freezing in Columbus...and that's in a colder than normal year. Places up around the Lakes get more snow because of the moisture coming off of the water, but they are the exception rather than the norm. Even then the roads will clear off much faster & stay clearer than the surrounding countryside because asphalt tends to stay warmer than grass/dirt.

Speaking of 2014 being colder than normal; want to guess how many below zero days Columbus had from 2010-2013?

One.

Now winter in northern Sweden is another world entirely, sometimes there really is snow on the ground for months on end. Same with my place in central Alaska.

I work outdoors in Columbus. We had way more than 8 days BELOW ZERO let alone below freezing this past Winter. A 32 degree freezing line day was like a summer freaking vacation! Last year was a very,very mild Winter with like 3 easy snows the whole time but boy did we pay for it this time. In general, its not uncommon to have snow and ice covering the side streets in Columbus for well over a month at a time because they don't get salted and plowed before the next time it snows. Once the snow piles up and feezes/hardens and gets compacted by traffic, there is NO SALTING IT period.

If I could upvote this 1000 times I would. I moved to columbus from Eastern Ohio where it seemed every town of 500 atleast had a snowplow. In Columbus the parking lot at the local corner store is plowed better than the main roads.

"It was a woman who drove me to drink, come to think of it I never did hang around to thank her for that"

I see your point, but how many Big Ten teams play road games in SEC stadiums? The list would probably look somewhat similar, I don't remember OSU or Indiana or MSU playing games in Athens, Tuscaloosa, or Knoxville recently.

I realize they weren't in the B10 at that time, but Alabama used to play Penn State with regularity in the 80's. This included several games in October and Novermber at Happy Valley (Nov 14, 1981; Oct 8, 1983; Oct 12, 1985; Oct 28, 1989). There was also a very interesting neutral site kick-off game in Giants Stadium against Ohio State in 1986. Other (non-B10) late year excursions included a trip to Boston College in late November, at Rutgers in October, at Cincinnati in November, and at Notre Dame in November.

I got to looking at some of those schedules and while I generally like the conferences at 12 members (not really a fan of 14), out of conference scheduling was more exciting at 8. With the increase to 12 teams, it does seem that the out of conference scheduling took a step backwards - something that I feel has been heading back in the right direction the last 10 years.

The bucks had home and homes scheduled with Georgia and Tennessee which were scheduled- Vandy cancelled last year although it was 1 game in the shoe...they have the best conference so can get away with scheduling cupcakes. Espn sure gives them a pass

Maryland and Rutgers write up had me dying...Illinois is funny because its true