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Captain Safdar has brought the nation’s focus back on the most pressing issue in the country: when poor people die from lack of food, water or proper healthcare, they die in peace knowing they expired in a country where Ahmadis have been declared infidels.

Ahmadis are so hell-bent on destroying Pakistan that they helped create it. It was an Ahmadi, Sir Zafarullah Khan, who drafted the Lahore Resolution. If there was no Pakistan, what would they even do? It’s not like Ahmadi groups run social welfare programmes or help improve the image of Muslims worldwide.

Pakistan was created to protect the religious rights of minorities. We are all making a concerted effort to extinguish all minorities so that we may return to having the right religious sect as the only minority again. It is a genius plan. When nobody is left to kill, we will finally have peace. This must have been India’s plan all along. This is why they paid the Ahmadis to support the Pakistan movement in 1947. It all makes sense now.

Clearly Captain Safdar is right and Ahmadis are all RAW agents hired to destroy Pakistan. We all know everyone in RAW is stupid. By turning Pakistanis against each other, they would stifle growth, wound national unity and threaten peace in the country. But we know RAW is stupid so instead they fund Ahmadis in Pakistan.

There are four million Ahmadis in Pakistan. All of them receive a pay cheque from RAW at the end of the month. Not only are they terrorists, but they are inept terrorists. Four million of them, yet all violence is perpetrated against them rather than by them. If they were smart, the four million of them would get together and cause civil strife, but we have well established by now that RAW is stupid and we are smart.

Illustration by Essa Malik Taimur

We are smart and we are firmly behind Captain Safdar. He is right to question the credentials of people like Nobel Prize winning physicist Abdus Salam and 1965 war hero Akhtar Hussain Malik. Safdar’s own impressive credentials include marrying Maryam Nawaz. His other great accomplishment: at the tender age of 54, he is the president of the PMLN youth wing.

We need a brave man like Captain Safdar as our next prime minister. Not a puppet like Shahid Khaqan Abbasi. When asked about this, the current prime minister simply said, “Hey man, I‘m just keeping the seat warm. I don’t want no trouble.” And then flew a Turkish military helicopter out of the interview before anyone could ask a follow-up question.

Mr Prime Minister, you can no longer hide behind Quaid-e-Azam, or in front of Quaid-e-Azam (depending on where his picture is placed). He was an Ismaili, what does he know about Pakistan? Once we get bored of the Ahmadi issue, Ismailis are next, followed by Pakistanis who hate biryani. We cannot tolerate these threats to the nation. Quaid-e-Azam only said that you are free to go to your mosques. He never specified which mosques would be allowed, or whether you’d return from them walking or dead.

Captain Safdar is our new Quaid. He left the National Assembly triumphantly chanting slogans in favour of Mumtaz Qadri, a man hanged for murder during his own party’s tenure. His recent arrest is simply more evidence of the Pro-Ahmadi Jewish hotel lobby. The JIT report against him was written by Sir Zafarullah Khan — he had a lot of time on his hands after he was made to resign as foreign minister in 1954 for being an Ahmadi.

Pakistan should get rid of the courts and hold a referendum on every decision. I am sure I would not be found by the people to have stolen pizza.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite' originally published in the November 2017 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.