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Saturday, December 31, 2011

If Certain Things Disappeared

So it's been foreverish and I was like "POST TIME LET'S GO!!!!" but then instead of making a post I just caught myself up on HAWP videos and called it a day. But since that wasn't of absolute complete importance, I kinda blew this off. However, now I'm supposed to be doing the homework that I missed from having the worst stomach virus ever for two days. So of course inspiration strike at the worst time ever means a post during school time.

You heard right, school time. I've been in school for the past two weeks and I'm not entirely sure that my school even knows why. But it's no biggie, because next year we don't start until AFTER Labor Day, which is awesome because that hasn't happened since 7th grade. OH YEAH BIG BOSS SENIOR...next year, but you get my point. Anyways, like I was saying, post time.

So, there's been a lot of rain around here. Like Noah's Ark floods rain. Yeah. And guess who's had to walk to and from school in it? This girl, right here. And there isn't very many things I hate about rain. I think rain is awesome. Except in the summer. Because then it's not cool, refreshing, darkest nights rain, it's evil, muggy, humid, bug infested, smog colored downpours. And then there's puddles.

Remember when you were a kid and you were like "PUDDLES!!!!!!!!!!!!" and now you're like, "puddles? :( " Now maybe you still do like puddles and that's totally okay. I kinda like puddles too. Kind of. Because in the fore described "summer rain" in towns like mine, there aren't just puddles, there's miniature kiddie pools.

And there's always that ONE PUDDLE that you underestimate. Because you gauge it's depth and you're like "hmm, seems pretty shallow" so you keep walking and all of a sudden, you're knee deep in muddied water and gnat babies. GNAT BABIES. And it sucks.

This is why I'm super duper excited for winter, because Winter is the best season ever. There's snow, presents, vacation and food. What more could you want?

If certain things in the world were gone, I'm pretty sure about half of the world would just up and die. Because as a society built off of vanity and greed, with lots of things gone we'd technically all starve. I've created a list of said things, that I find quite interesting:

colored contacts

makeup

cake

push up bras

crayons

sunshine

candy

soap

prescription eyeglasses

hole punchers

computer viruses (virusi?)

grass

No, I think I'm gonna end it with grass. ALTHOUGH, according to allergy rates and percentages, that could actually do a lot of the world some good. But I digress. As the first few hours of 2012 (see Year of Our Death) pass through, I wonder what life would be like without these things for some people and for the world.

Firstly, I think there would be a lot less crime. BECAUSE, it's been proven that at least 35% of every state is populated with people of varying degrees of eye sight problems. That being said, even if crime rate didn't go down, no one would be able to tell because THEY'RE ALL BLIND. But that's totally okay, because certain things look better through blurred vision, like ugly people...and cats. Because through blurred vision cats kind of look like dogs and that's twenty billion times better than actually looking like cats. I think if people thought that stray cats were actually stray dogs, there'd be a much smaller problem of stray cats running amuck in the world. I don't care if that's actually an article and a synonym for slimy mud. It's one word in my mind.

You know what's interesting? British people. Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against Europe, HOWEVER, I have everything against accents. Yes, I'm a British accent Nazi and I could care less what you think of that.

I'm really afraid that one day I'm going to meet some poor German guy. And I mean like, just got off the boat, German guy. And then he's going to have the poor fate of talking to me and I'm going to say Nazi WAY too much and then he's going to be like, "Is she Jewish? She doesn't look Jewish...but why else would she be calling me a Nazi? I'm not even from Germany!" But because I can't read minds and this person is likely to be polite he's probably not going to say anything. But then for the rest of his life he's going to have the false connotation of pretending to be a secret not-Nazi, because let's face it, if it's okay to be a Nazi again then the KKK can finally come out of hiding from the small cavernous plains of Utah.

Just kidding Utah, I've got nothing against you. I've actually heard that it's quite nice there, with the ridiculous amounts of snow that you get, you're like my dream state...you know, besides all that Mormonism crap, because that's just a little too "Christ is God" for me.

I'm convinced that I'm secretly a terrible person. Except everyone knows and it's not really a secret except to me because everyone's really too polite to tell me because sometimes I'm actually a really good person and I'm like "I love donating blood even though I have a tendency towards low iron counts and fainting as it is! But seriously, just stick that needle in my arm and let the spinning world begin!"

I'm like really afraid that's actually going to happen some day. Like I have this thing where I know that being sick is absolutely the worst thing in the world and giving blood is actually a really big problem because the Red Cross is like selling our blood on the black market, and by the black market, I mean to crazed Twilight fans. Because for some reason the Red Cross is like, "Hey, I know that girl's birthday isn't until next month and she's constantly calling to donate blood with signed permission slips and all, but let's just screw her over completely and make the donation day for a month before she's old enough AND to top it all off, let's make iron requirements like two times larger than they really need to be.

If you haven't noticed already, I tend to have an affinity to make things sound a lot more ridiculous than they really are, but this is how things play out in my mind. And that's sometimes a problem, because I'm kind of that person that exaggerates everything. Like I'll call my friends and be like, "Dude, I just ate like sixteen pies and eight Dr Pepper's!" and they'll be like, "Man that's awesome! I wish I could eat sixteen pies!" But in reality I really ate like four pieces of pie and like eight glasses of Powerade because my electrolytes were really low and I needed calories to ensure that I kept off that stomach ulcer.

But that doesn't sound as great. Honestly it sounds really depressing. Which is why I don't really say what's actually happening. Truth be told, some stories are actually exactly what happened, but when exactly what happened just doesn't cut it, there's like this other person that takes over my body and goes, "Hey, that story you're thinking about telling....it's eehh" and you're like, "Well I certainly don't wanna tell "eehh" stories, what should I do?" and the person's like, "WELL, you should take the original number and multiply it by six, but don't exaggerate the second part, because then it won't sound believable." But then in my mind I'm just like, "Hey, you know what would make that even better? Exaggerating EVERYTHING by twenty and then dividing by four and adding three. Because odd numbers always throw everyone off."

The end result is usually something completely unbelievable, but the way that I say it makes you think that I just might actually be slightly legally crazy. And so to humor me and to not put yourself in physical danger, everyone just goes, "Of course I believe you! That was AWESOME."

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About Me

I am Jess. I am 19. I am awkward. That is pretty much all you need to know. I am also funny. That is also important. I also normally use contractions most of the time, usually when they combine to make words that are not words.