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Dog Days of Summer

179. Meet a guy named Darrell at freshman orientation. Party with him and some other dork in his “suite” at the Downtowner ($19.99 per night or portion thereof). Nearly kill yourself in a DUI going home, because DUI is still just a social issue, and is not really a violation of everything good and holy.

180.Months later, you should join Phi Sigma Kappa, and go to a party at Darrell’s frat. This is the first time you have seen this guy in months, so show him your frat is better than his because you (personally) can drink more than him and his Lambda Chi Alpha brothers. Someone will tell you later whether you were right on either premise, Bluto. In the meantime, try to figure out what puke, your favorite yellow quasi-preppy sweater and the bath tub at the Lamb Chop house have in common. Yes, it’s that and not a Roman orgy with the A-O-Pi girls, you fool.

181.Go on a swamp run, from the community college end. Drink, because alcohol makes you invulnerable to frostbite. On your way back, duck in the gym because there are GIRLS in there. (Never mind that they are all 16, and you are out of high school. Plus, it’s a church group doing a “lock-in”) Beg the chaperones to let you convert, as they are throwing your drunk asses into the snow.

launch a 3 am raid on the nuclear plant that’s conveniently nearby (a raid being a stroll down the beach and happenstance discovery of this place). Look at it in that “WTF do we do now?” sort of way, which you have perfected for your dates. Tell the younger dudes that you commandeered the place. You will be so cool. Or arrested as a terrorists, depending on if this is the 80s or just 1984 disguised as 2004.

Skip high school to go to the beach with Pod to pick up chicks. Discover topless hotties walking on the beach, 1/2 mile away. Instead of being stealthy, so you can get between them and their tops for a cheap thrill, parade towards them in the most obvious way possible, so that they run back to their chairs, and all you can see as you walk by is their adequately covered backsides. You are a dork.

(until you get busted by Darrel (“not for scouting purposes”). Goddamn stalker.)

Take Phid to the beer store in town to buy beer with Tiny’s ID. Tiny and Phid are interchangeable for fake ID purposes, because they are both male, and within 100 lbs and 24″ of each other (barely).

Drive all your hungover friends to the McDonald’s in town and back in Merloid’s Fury. At 100 mph. Or more. It’s hard to tell except that 85 mph speedometer will swing back towards zero. Back at camp, get the Fury stuck in the mud, 0.1 inches from a 100 year old Oak. Or three.

Enter Penis, Lord of Scum mode after everyone else is asleep. Run around naked howling at the moon, nature boy. The one girl there (Yoko) is not drunk enough to boink you if she wakes up, but that’s a nice thought.

If you can’t get a key for a legitimate entrance to the campsite, use Pod’s Le Mans to go 4 wheeling up the muddy, log-blocked “back way.” Bring a rope.

Before the beginning of sophomore year in college, have an end of summer party. Phid, 8 Barrel and Robin will show up on Saturday. Drink 100 Proof Popov and Squirt. Spend Friday night using a couple (or 17) cans of Raid to kill all the spiders in the cabin (think Harry Potter 2). The next night, sleep on a metal cot frame next to Robin, while your pals sleep outside. Pretend you are a rack of ribs. This counts as sleeping with her, because it’s the only way to make it true, and your definitions are REALLY flexible (sleeping in the same county would probably count).