The Naked Truth: Why Men Become Photographers

Do you know who Spencer Tunick is? He's the dope who makes a living herding naked bodies onto landmarks and then taking their picture. He's done this all over the world and Mexico.

Last Monday, he had 500 models strip naked in front of a Florida hotel, exploding bottles of champagne, then claiming that this somehow expresses the excesses of consumer culture.

Of course it does, Spencey, you old perv. It has nothing to do with the fact that you like seeing people naked.

Here's the honest truth as to why men become photographers: It's the easiest way to get women to strip.

Try this experiment: Go up to a girl and say, "I'd like to see you naked." You'll get hit, kicked or beaten by a large boyfriend.

Now approach her with a camera and an assistant named Olga and say the same thing. Nine times out of 10, she'll be topless before you can spike her Tab.

When I grow up, I want to be a photographer. You get to see more people naked than doctors do — without having to lance anything.

The only downside? Look closely at Tunick's work. You'll notice that all the naked models are gross. It's a sad fact: The only people who want to nude up in public are repulsive. Great looking people know it's stupid to give it away for free. I'm really referring to the FOXcasters, who have yet to agree to pose nude in front of our building tonight after the show. So far I've only got one taker and it's Bill — it's always Bill.