If so, you’ve come to the wrong film with Scary Movie 5, the latest ghastly emission from the horror parody franchise that refuses to die.

It’s not meant to terrify. It’s supposed to be funny, but you’d have an easier time reading a zombie’s pulse than you would finding a single good laugh in the movie, which opened without critical previews, natch.

When the franchise began in 2000, the Wayans Bros. Keenen, Ivory, Shawn and Marlon riffed off Scream, The Blair Witch Project, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other fright flicks for reasons of hilarity. Subsequent instalments did the same to whatever blood-spillers were happening at the moment.

But now the Wayans are long gone, and so are franchise regulars Anna Faris and Regina Hall. What’s left is the ghost of a once-good idea, directed by Malcolm D. Lee (The Best Man), a once-promising filmmaker who seems to have joined the ranks of the walking dead.

Scary Movie 5 flatlines right out of the gate. A pre-credits parody of Paranormal Activity features Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan trying to make fun of their public images as law-breaking hellraisers and substance abusers. What’s the opposite of “winning,” Charlie? Yes, failing.

From there, Scary Movie sequels vet Simon Rex and newcomer Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical) log the most screen time as married couple Dan and Jody Sanders, who live in a Paranormal Activity home with adopted children from a Mama nightmare. Dan works as a primate researcher for a Rise of the Planet of the Apes company while Jody tries to make it as a Black Swan ballet dancer.

Star cameos by the likes of Snoop Dogg, Heather Locklear, Mike Tyson and Terry Crews help pad out an 85-minute running time that feels twice as long.

The obnoxious overuse of Shakycam makes it hard to watch. The only thing more annoying is how lame the jokes are. You’d have thought that producer/writer David Zucker would remember how to make people laugh from his Airplane! days. You’d have thought wrong.

Just one thing surprises in Scary Movie 5 and that’s how quickly the film manages to parody the Evil Dead remake, which opened just last week. But it’s still not scary or funny.

The Scary Movie franchise has never been quality cinema, but it did have a ribald energy and the occasional good gag. Now it’s just a frightful waste of time.

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