Budgeting Your Mega Millions Winnings

This article is aimed at the two people out there who won Tuesday night’s Mega Millions Lottery drawing. Now that you have collected your lump sum of 224 million dollars, you’re probably wondering how to spend it. Well, we at The Annual have put together a handy breakdown of exactly how to spend that unnecessary wealth.

Fucking taxes – $25,000,000

A lifetime supply of Cheese Ball Barrels – $500,000

A brand new car! – $20,000

An unnecessary amount of dildos – $500

Retire and Open a Puffin Ranch Bed and Breakfast: You raise puffins and your guests take them out for walks as part of the attraction. Also, you only serve Puffin Cereal. – $2,300,000

Get your head carved into Mt. Rushmore – $23.00 max.

Buy the White House – $4,400,000

Buy the Green House – $220,000

Holy shit! The first 25 didn’t cover taxes!? Okay, well this should do the trick. – $25,000,000

“Mid-Life Crisis” novelty piggy bank – $3

Mid-life crisis funds (to be divided between the costs of a new car, a divorce, and a marriage to a younger hotter wife) – $100,000

Spend the day AS President Obama or as one of his kids (your choice). But not Michelle, she’s off limits. $2,000 of it goes to buying identical shoes to walk in all day. Day includes s/he staying at your house while you do his/her job (or go to school), including making decisions that could help or destroy people’s lives. Perks are sleeping in his/her bed, playing with his/her dog, calling Michelle your wife or mom. *Discretion is advised when choosing who to be for the day.* –$50,000,000

Getting every Muppet tattooed on your back (if that seems overpriced, it’s because I’m going to a fancy place. They feed you pizza to dull the pain). – $5,000

A pet monkey just like the one Justin Bieber has. – $15,000

A seat next to Justin Bieber on the Virgin Galactic. – $250,000

Purchasing Little Ragged Island (via privateislandsonline.com) in the Bahamas because with a name like that, how could you say no? – $23,500,000

A contract legally binding Tom Hanks to live out the rest of his days on my island, reenacting the entirety of Castaway twice daily. – $51,039,474

Wilson brand volleyball of acceptable quality. – $30.00

Black Sharpie. – $2

Really? More taxes!? Fine, here! Glad I could independently fund our war with Russia! – $28,000,000

Used RV for, you know, traveling the country. Definitely not for cooking meth. – $60,000

Bachelors Degree in Chemistry from the University of California San Diego. – $197,968

Golden Lego brick. Made of gold. – $15,000

A roll of 22 carat gold toilet paper, delivered in person with a bottle of champagne. – $1,376,900