Top 5 Killer Birds That Don’t Care If You Think Feathers Are Cool Or Not

While it is very well documented at this stage that numerous species of dinosaurs had feathers, a great many so called dinosaur ‘fans’ refuse to accept this fact, mainly because they don’t think feathered dinosaurs look ‘cool’ enough. This phenomenon is often referred to as ‘awesomebro culture‘, a place where facts don’t seem to matter and personal preference is used as an excuse to flat out deny reality.

But is there any need to fear the feathered dinosaur? Well yes and no. A Velociraptor or a T-Rex isn’t going to get any less lethal just because it has a bit of plumage adorning its body. As the following five birdies show, feathers do not necessarily a cute and fluffy chickidee make:

5. Golden Eagle (Aquila chrysaetos)

Of all the living predatory birds capable of powered flight (‘raptors’ as they are intimidatingly called) one of the the most fearsome and successful of all is the golden eagle. With a wingspan of a little under 8 feet, it is not the largest eagle in the world, but as many a boyfriend has argued, size isn’t everything.

Golden eagles eat pretty much anything they want to. There have been almost 200 (and counting) species recorded as being on their broad menu. While most of these are small creatures like rodents and rabbits, there are plenty of cases where the eagles have taken much larger game. Adult deer, coyotes and even young bears have all been attacked at some point in the wild. They even have a habit of dragging large prey off cliffs and letting gravity do the dirty work (clever girl…).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5MeACvdTeQ

Mongolian hunters have realised the hunting potential of golden eagles and have trained them to take down wolves. The eagles use their sharp talons and great strength (their foot can exert over 15 times the crushing force of a human hand) to dispatch their targets on the ground. Surprisingly, the wolf never seems to stand a chance in such situations. Remember, if it can take out a wolf, it could make short work of a human if it ever had a mind to.

4. Haast’s Eagle (Harpagornis moorei)

Haast’s eagle is an extinct species of bird which lived in New Zealand less than a thousand years ago. So recently, in fact, that it still lives on in Maori legend in the form of Pouakai; a monster bird that kills and eats people. Given the fearsome proportions of Haast’s eagle, these stories are no mere tall tales.

Haast’s eagle’s wingspan was ten feet, which does not sound all that impressive as it only tells half the story. It was a massively built creature; far stockier and stronger than any bird alive today. To put things in perspective, here is a comparison between it and its closest living relative:

So what did this monster eat? In a word, people. It was also quite partial to moas; flightless birds that could reach 12 feet in height and weighed 230kg. Haast’s eagle killed them by puncturing their bones with its deadly claws, which is no mean feat!

All in a day’s work.

3. Argentavis magnificens

Unimpressed by a predatory bird with a ten foot wingspan? How about one that exceeded 20? That would be Argentavis, a member of the teratorn family of prehistoric predatory birds. Due to its massive size, many considered this giant of the skies to be little more than an oversized scavenger. However, studies of Argentavis‘ skull suggest that it was more comfortable swallowing things whole than tearing pieces off, which indicates at least some predatory tendencies – think of the way pelicans sometimes swallow small land-based prey items. Perhaps ‘Argie’ was a bit on the lazy side, but when you’re that big (if it were sitting it could look a standing adult human directly in the eyes) you can do as you please. If anyone tries to question your lifestyle choice you can knock them down with a good old fashioned peck to the head.

Some will tell you that Argentavis magnificens (which means “magnificent Argentine bird”) went extinct 5 million years ago due to climate change, but they are wrong. Clearly they are still alive and well, protecting us from the evil forces of Mordor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuPHF7_eWYk

2. Terror Birds

Since an unfortunate series of events wiped out the giant dinosaurs millions of years ago, various kinds of birds have been trying to reinvent the wheel by ditching the power of flight, in favour of pure unstoppable land-based killing power.

Arguably the most successful were called the phorusrhacidae (that word is hard to spell so most of us call them ‘terror birds’). The biggest and meanest of the bunch was a hellion named Kelenken. Standing ten feet tall, with a head the size of a horse’s that came complete with a cruel hooked beak (not to mention a gape that could have swallowed a decent sized dog whole), this ‘special K’ was an elite killer.

The blue man looks remarkably calm given the situation…

You’d think not being able to fly might hinder Kelenken‘s ability to catch prey, and that if you met one you’d stand a good chance of outrunning it. Not so. Studies have shown it was a bit of a speed demon; possibly clocking in at over 70 kilometres per hour. A physically fit human can just about edge 20km/ph. This means Kelenken could catch and devour you before it was even finished its warm-up.

There is no direct evidence that terror birds ever met humans. How lucky for us. Imagine if Big Bird from Sesame Street decided to kill you and you’re on the right track.

1. Cassowary (Casuarius casuarius)

Enough with the extinct animals already! Horror films and bubonic plagues notwithstanding, dead things generally don’t kill people. To be truly scary something needs to be alive and kicking – in this case literally kicking people to death.

The modern cassowary is a grumpy bird from the Australasian continent. No doubt angry that it lacks the grace needed to fly like most birds can, not to mention that it appears to have a deflated scrotum hanging from its neck, it lashes out at those around it. Mock it at your peril…

Apparently someone forgot to tell the cassowary that the giant dinosaurs went extinct eons ago (that or it has an overdeveloped sense of retro fashion). Maybe that is what has the cassowary so sad? Maybe we were wrong all these years. Perhaps it is indeed a late surviving species of Mesozoic dinosaur and it is simply incensed because all of its friends are long dead. Either way, the cassowary is best left well alone. Those attempting to cheer it up with a hug are usually dispatched with a swift kick to the head. This is one bird that is best avoided….

Bonus: ‘Raptors’

“Even the word raptor means bird of prey”, uttered Sam Neil in Jurassic Park, much to everyone’s confusion. Of course, ‘raptor’, when used in terms of Velociraptor and his family of thugs, strictly means ‘thief’ or ‘plunderer’. Modern raptors (hawks, eagles etc.) have buzz all to do with them and the correct name for these dinosaurs is ‘dromaeosaurs’). Still though, awesome scene:

At this point in the article, you are probably thinking that it’s a bit cheap to include a group of extinct, largely ground-based dinosaurs in a list of birds just because of a naming coincidence and the presence of a few feathers. Well, yes and no. A growing number of dinosaur researchers now think that dromaeosaurs have much more in common with what we describe as birds than those animals which we typically call dinosaurs (technically, all birds are dinosaurs, so the distinction is fairly arbitrary). In fact, whenever a new bird-like dinosaur is found there is usually a lengthily debate as to whether it’s a bird or a dinosaur, with several species having been reclassified more than once. In order to keep everyone happy, the term ‘dino-bird’ was coined. Dino-bird is a useful catch all term as the lines between typical birds and typical dinosaurs become increasingly blurred.

While most people would recognise ‘raptors’ as being human-sized based on how they tend to appear in movies and video games, they came in a variety of shapes and dimensions. Some were tiny and could fly (or at least fall with style), while others were giants that exceeded 20 feet in length and had claws the size of your head.

Some may even have used deadly venom to subdue their prey- as if they weren’t capable hunters as is. No matter what way you slice it (claws – slice, geddit?), the ‘raptor’ family could figure out a dozen ways to kill you before you even hit the ground.

So the next time someone complains that “dinosaurs with feathers aren’t scary”, be sure to point them in the way of this poor unfortunate Zephyrosaurus. No doubt, he really gives a flying fig about some human’s preference about aesthetic scariness of the creature that happens to be disemboweling him, while he’s still alive!

Sean is Geek Ireland's resident dinosaur enthusiast, having been fascinated by prehistory since a time before he could read, speak or stand in an upright position (he still struggles to do at least one of these things on a daily basis).
Known as one of the biggest dinosaur fans Ireland has ever produced, Sean has delivered talks on his favourite subject at many venues and events including the Irish Film Institute, the UCD Science Expression Festival, Tayto Park, Dublin Comic Con and even London's Comedy Store.