Tag Archives: ego

You roil the beast and bleed out in the muck of a life that was simpler once but you can’t remember exactly when.

You change. Snap. Bit of both.

It’s an outer-body experience when forced to fight something bigger than you. The initial chill of a bully’s threat grabs your spine and tightens; ostensibly, the fear it thrives on whips around your core until it finds a place to settle in.

Take over.

And you don’t breathe.

The absorption of my bully (a corporate-type with a rotted, cancerous core) stole 15 pounds from me in 10 days. I stopped eating. Little water intake. I became dangerously dehydrated. I permanently lost 50% kidney function.

Your will to survive jump starts; eventually you thrive with the bully tight inside.

You worry what will happen when the bully retreats.

Because now.

The cold is an ally; you understand it’s insidious nature like you were born with it.

Once a threat. Now a teacher.

And the lessons keep coming.

The knowledge is such a part of you now.

A hunger is fed to know more.

What once was ice is now heat.

It’s at that point the fear dissolves.

You pull in. Sharpen your weapons.

After all, there’s not much left to lose.

Because so much has been drained already.

Organs hurt.

Bruises erupt.

Several are yet to show.

You wonder how the damage will shape itself into arsenal.

Next year.

In a decade.

Every day you’re sharper. The will to fight returns.

Will you be the same?

Probably not.

It’s not bad, really.

It’s.

Different.

Raw.

You can taste the salt in the blood even when blood isn’t drawn.

You’ve crossed over, jumped a fence, busted up who you were before. Rebuilt.

There’s a bit more dirt and grind in your thoughts, your decisions. You move slow.

Each step means more now.

Because in the heat of battle, it could be your last foot forward.

Step back and you may die.

As you push forward you may die too.

It feels like a no-win.

But you must fight your bullies sometimes.

No matter how small you are, there’s a way to shake up your giants.

Inside and out.

In the trenches of your mind, there’s a way to fight the bullies and survive.

Random Thoughts:

1). Bullies target your core & create fantasy. My corporate bullies deem me a “mole” for another organization (on public record) and are working diligently to destroy my 24-year career. When bullies start to punch, observe where the blows land. Notice the swings. Take them in.

Then wait.

Formulate strategy. You’ll need to be laser-targeted and long-term in approach. Expose bullies for what they are. The greater they are the more vulnerable they are, too. Maintain a cool head. Anger is part of their arsenal. Not yours.

Bullies despise negative exposure: They abhor the truth. Truth will can cause formidable injury to a bully. However, remember what I wrote: You’ll need to take the punches, see where they land and wait to strike. And always use the truth. That’s sufficient. Never slander.

2). Seek blood. Just decide carefully where and when the puncture wounds should enter. Seek to retaliate with surgical blades as bullies come running at you waving machetes. They won’t expect you to fight. They expect you to succumb. Hold them accountable. Use public forums. Bullies abhor their hypocrisy exposed.

It’s ok to make your bullies cry.

3). Don’t back down. Temporarily dazed, permanently scarred; the wounds will soon scab over. Treat them as badges of courage. Bullies will seek to wear you down, apply mental weight. They want you to die.

Eat healthy. Create an aerobic exercise program and stick with it no matter how tired you are from their kicking.

4). Level the playing field. You can’t win fighting a bully head on. However, a well-galvanized army can help you detect vulnerabilities and create a flanking strategy. Out your bullies utilizing social media, contact radio and television media.

Gather the opinions of powerful people. Understand who’s ready to fight with you. You may be surprised by the size of your army. You may be shocked by who’s willing to help. Win the war one mind at a time. Chip away at a bully’s false sense of superiority; you can’t do it alone. As you settle to fight, you’ll gain indispensable knowledge of your own internal hard drive and wiring. Consider yourself a warrior. The war over a bully’s mind begins with harnessing the power of your own.

If your enemy is within, expose it. Others will hold you accountable for defeating it. People love a good comeback story.

As you rip from the past, forge a path to the present, there’s a good chance the man in charge will unravel.

Actually, it’s guaranteed.

There will be.

A tumble, a spiral down, to discover who you really are inside.

And burn out what’s haunting your sleep.

Because fire cleanses.

Extinguished fires leave imprints.

Black stains scar foundations.

I’ve learned to fear and respect fire of the mind.

You won’t notice change; at the surface you’ve built high fences. However, underneath, today’s thoughts are directing steps to a place you must go.

Actions will eventually get you where you need to be.

First you’ll stagger.

Over time, your gait will firm.

Deeper strides begin.

You don’t look back any longer.

Perhaps you’ll change your name to a person who was loved once.

Take on a new identity.

Not an issue. Whatever it takes. You do it.

Because a free mind can’t be shackled.

And ego is loosening the grip.

Yep: To gain a second chance at life you must die first. A piece of you must pass. In the worst case, an organ will be sacrificed. An element of your sanity, or stamina go to black.

You’ll fight until exhaustion.

Thrash.

Until death overtakes you.

You understand (finally).

There’s no other choice.

If you want to survive.

An enriched life dwells in acceptance, not resistance.

“Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to “die before you die” — and find that there is no death.”
― Eckhart Tolle

When my father was in the care of hospice and dying one cancerous internal a minute, I wanted to accelerate the process somehow. I thought of insidious ways to fast-track his departure. There was red behind my eyes. I couldn’t understand why he needed to suffer.

I didn’t want to understand then how we all must suffer.

To climb to higher places.

Grow.

I was mad at dad for leaving. I hated how I held his hand for ten hours and for five of them it felt like gripping flesh ice.

He always did the opposite of what I thought he should.

As the man in charge he drank too much, womanized too much, worked too much.

Holy shit.

As the man in charge you do it, too.

Rain blood on the closest ones.

Splatter some on yourself.

And it never.

Washes off.

The man in charge forced rules you lost interest in a long time ago but still followed; you couldn’t understand why you carried them with you for so many decades.

Maybe the space felt comfortable even though it worked against your spirit.

It’s the clash. A battle. Between past and present. Ongoing.

And in acceptance you admit.

Finally.

You were indeed, the man in charge.

Suckered, duped, stupid, evil, resentful.

All you.

Good or bad. That was you for a time. A system-based creation from endless approval of others and false control – courtesy of ego.

Because you couldn’t control outcomes. You couldn’t accept the rejection, the change, the spin of the earth, until damage was done –

It’s not fight or die.

It’s fight, THEN die.

Your inner self, perhaps who you were as a child, was a pale light in the distance that eventually got snuffed out.

Realize..

You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”
― Eckhart Tolle

And a new man in charge emerges.

Out of the shatter.

Wakes up reborn.

Carrying new rules.

Stripped of ego.

Steeped in humanity; seeded from insanity.

New choices.

A higher self.

Rebirth.

And so it was for Philip Blake.

And so it can be for you.

Random Thoughts:

1). Be re-vulnerable. Look – I created a word. Crash through the high walls. Allow vulnerability to live again. You’ll need to practice. High fences just don’t fall. You’ll need to consciously drive through them every day. I’ve learned to be open to and aware of those around me. I’m more charitable. I direct my anger toward evil entities. I drop people who suck my energy. I hug my daughter from somewhere beyond my heart.

Accolades, awards, recognition and validation may never come. In addition, ironically, when you finally stop giving a shit about them, they seem to come in abundance. Be your own gatekeeper, tastemaker, and connoisseur of what matters. Do not choose yourself so the gatekeepers will choose you.

3). Seek re-energy. Living in the past saps energy. The present creates passion, excitement. It’s full of oxygen. Focus on a present moment. No matter how small. Step into it. You’re not your parents, your co-workers. The past does not define who you are right now at this moment.

“Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. … The ultimate purpose of human existence, which is to say, your purpose, is to bring that power into this world.”
― Eckhart Tolle

4). Relish replenishment. Sure, investing is sexy. Financial media touts sexy all the time. Sell Apple, buy Tesla. Nothing sexy happens without the boring act of saving money, replenishing financial coffers. In the new year, increase your savings rate by 1 percent. Haven’t started? That’s the past. This is the present. Begin an auto-savings plan today. Now. Direct at the minimum, 1 percent of your take home pay into a savings account.

5). Cherish those who re-new. Who are the people who renew and revive you? You need more of them. You need to appreciate and fight for those who renew your spirit. Those you love. No matter the disagreements. If I love someone I tell them. Why hold back? Life is too short (especially in a zombie apocalypse).

6). Know when to re-unleash hell. It’s inevitable. Sometimes you will need to fight the enemy. You also need to know if you’re the enemy. Focus energies on what’s required to overcome obstacles. Roll a tank over your ego. Occasionally, that’s a challenge for The Governor.

Although he does try.

He’s got some work to do.

Noted.

Look up.

A pale light glows brighter.

Dark clouds fade.

Self-redemption is yours for the taking.

Accept the past. You can’t change it.

It’s a prison.

Accept the present. It’s yours to take.

Now.

Step.

“Your outer journey may contain a million steps; your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Admittedly, his work feeds my confirmation bias as we tend to agree on most topics, especially when it comes to stock market valuations, the macro-economic climate, reversion of averages and most important – the mistake of benchmarking a portfolio to a market index like the S&P 500 or as I call it:

“My brain and ego are both bigger and smarter than the market as a whole.”

Investment managers who claim to consistently beat the market also will boast how they’re above-average drivers, lovers, parents.

Bull.

Avoid them.

It’s this kind of performance-based thinking (or lack of it) that seduces investors to take portfolio actions based primarily on greed. Or fear. Most investors generate above-average returns, didn’t you know?

Until the math is done to prove how well below-average their returns are.

Some compare their lousy returns to a friend’s (embellished) performance and grow frustrated enough to place their risk tolerance aside and create portfolios which are too aggressive for their nature. At the first sign of market pull back I’ve watched these investors sell everything and ostensibly suffer unnecessary losses.

As people we are bigger than life in our own heads.

It’s that kind of myopic ego-based bullshit that can take over the mind of a money manager who then takes on more risk at the wrong time. And if your money manager is getting increasingly aggressive NOW, then this is the WRONG TIME.

The writing doesn’t need explanation – it’s perfect as is. It requires an awareness. The messages shouldn’t be minimized even though we are in a favorable market environment which is based in part on seasonal factors along with money managers’ desire to play “catch up” on returns as they close out the year.

In other words, we have moved beyond fundamentals into momentum territory. Just be aware!

It’s ok to participate if you understand what’s driving stock returns. If you believe it’s primarily fundamentals, you should stay out now. Stick with short or ultra-short term bonds and go live your life. Be happy.

Don’t fool yourself.

At this later stage of a cyclical bull market, self-denial, hubris and financial industry media will get you in trouble.

Investors and their financial partners must remain vigilant of risks of markets drunk on unprecedented Federal Reserve policies and publicly-traded corporations who continue to book record profit margins by treating employees like indentured servants.

In case you’ve been under a rock: Corporations survive solely to placate shareholders and buy back shares.

Employees and customers have limited influence on senior management. It’s worse since the financial crisis.

As former U.S. Secretary of Labor Robert Reich lamented recently through social media:

A few decades ago, when American companies were still American and when corporate profits still bore some relationship to the wages of most Americans, the nation fretted over the “competitiveness” of U.S. corporations. But now that the stock market has gone through the roof while most Americans are in the cellar, that old worry seems a bit quaint. For example, Walmart, America’s largest employer, …is highly competitive internationally. Yet it claims it can’t afford to pay its U.S. workers more than the miniscule wages it doles out to them. The claim is dubious. According to data compiled by Bloomberg, Walmart has bought back about $36 billion of its stock over the past four years, and in June announced another $15 billion of stock repurchases. The effect is to bolster the value of the remaining shares of stock.

Corporations will overwork labor and continue to perpetuate wholesome corporate philosophies driven underneath by limited vision, anemic research and development, and an ongoing fear that’s pumped into the brains and hearts of their employees.

The message by middle management remains pervasive: “Be thankful you have a job,” is still heard in meetings (I’ve asked. I know). The words are considered “motivation.”

Unfortunately, many workers are too frightened to leave or are saddled with too much household debt so they continue to languish in their soul-sucking corporate positions.

Perhaps your employer is different.

Uh-huh.

Hey, as a money manager, I love it!

It’s one of the reasons, even though I’m cautious, that markets can continue to do well through the end of the year and first quarter of next.

At this mature stage of a cyclical bull market, it’s important to avoid allowing your hubris to go haywire. Don’t believe you’re just so damn good, your next goal should be to “beat an index.”

Here are Lance’s rules as to why it’s impossible (along with my commentary); I’ll add three ways to let keep yourself in check as markets eventually revert to a mean:

“While Wall Street wants you to compare your portfolio to the ‘index’ so that you will continue to keep money in motion, which creates fees for Wall Street, the reality is that you can NEVER beat a ‘benchmark index’ over a long period. This is due to the following reasons:

1) The index contains no cash. And you should always have cash. Cash is an asset class, cash is for withdrawals, cash is the ultimate diversification, cash is there to make attractive purchases.

2) It has no life expectancy requirements – but you do. Stocks for the long term? Can you wait 30 years to break even when you purchase at lofty valuations? NO.

3) It does not have to compensate for distributions to meet living requirements – but you do. You also should maintain two years worth of distributions aside for living expenses in retirement.

4) It requires you to take on excess risk (potential for loss) in order to obtain equivalent performance – this is fine on the way up, but not on the way down. Losses are tougher to make up. If you lose 50% you’ll need 100% to get back to even.

5) It has no taxes, costs or other expenses associated with it – but you do. If you invest you’re gonna have fees, commissions. There is no free lunch when it comes to expenses.

6) It has the ability to substitute at no penalty – but you don’t. Commissions, taxes will drag on returns.

7) It benefits from share buybacks – but you don’t. On occasion you benefit from a stock that now has better EPS due to buybacks, however, there’s no consistency to this for you.

In order to win the long term investing game, your portfolio should be built around the things that matter most and beating an index isn’t one of them. It’s great for cocktail party conversation around holiday season, but that’s about it.

Here’s what’s important. Never forget:

* Capital preservation (A lost opportunity is more easily replaced than lost capital).

* A rate of return sufficient to keep pace with the rate of inflation.

* Expectations based on realistic objectives. (The market does not compound at 8%, 6% or 4%. Losses destroy the effects of compounding returns).

* Higher rates of return require an exponential increase in the underlying risk profile. This tends not to work out well.

* You can replace lost capital – but you can’t replace lost time. Time is a precious commodity that you cannot afford to waste.

* Portfolios are time-frame specific. If you have 5-years to retirement, but build a portfolio with a 20-year time horizon (taking on more risk), the results will likely be disastrous.

Three ways to avoid losing your ass, right now:

1). If you must commit capital to stocks 5 years after the financial crisis, go SMALL. Let’s face it: You missed the big ship. Go for the dinghy and be happy. Keep your stock allocations below 50%. Keep the rest in short term fixed income or yes, cash.

2). Work with an advisor who will calculate your required return. To meet a personal benchmark. THEN WORK BACKWARDS into the asset allocation plan. Most financial consultants are there to sell you product, not to calculate your desired return. And remember generating return takes work on your part, too – Increased savings, lower debt-to-income household ratios. working longer. There’s no sexy magic here. If you’re being sold an investment first: WALK.

3). Now is the time to stop listening to friends and family about stocks. The extremes in sentiments will confuse you. Aunt Millie sold out in 2009 and won’t go back. She’s awaiting the “big one,” the crash. Joe went “all in” two years ago and is up a billion percent. There’s a happy medium. Cut the noise. Create rules, work the numbers. Understand where you are behaviorally when it comes to risk. Does your adviser assess you behaviorally or utilize some bullshit risk tolerance questionnaire which tells you nothing about yourself.

Pay the 40 bucks, take the test and bring the results to your advisor. Most likely, you’ll need to do this before you sit with a financial pro.

As Lance writes so perfectly: “The index is a mythical creature, like the Unicorn, and chasing it takes your focus off of what is most important – your money and your specific goals. Investing is not a competition and, as history shows, there are horrid consequences for treating it as such.”

My grandmother believed there was this energy connection. I never truly understood until I was much older. She said it was strong enough to forge a heart to the soul. She would lament about this cryptic stuff relentlessly when I was a kid and I’d chalk it up to her old age (40) or her hatred for my grandfather or overcooking the meatballs. I shook my head a lot. In private. I adored her too much to be disrespectful. I thought she was corny most of the time.

Not anymore.

She was funny/strange that way. Nellie believed the genesis of any positive energy was born in the heart. Passion, love. It didn’t matter how good your head was.

If your heart wasn’t in whatever you did, it wasn’t worth shit. I spent much of my life believing in the false energy of ego. A shade of shit. Masked as orange.

And we all know the color of shit.

It isn’t orange.

Well it can be orange. Like at Halloween in the early 70s when I felt it was my duty to eat a dozen Entenmann’s Halloween cupcakes every fall. I recall the “by-product” of overconsumption being orange.

How can you not want to devour 12 of these?

“Grandma, what’s the color of this energy.”

You guessed it.

As a child, happiness danced the color of Princeton orange sparks. And that shade of hope, thank God, hasn’t changed. It disappeared for an extended period. I live with that colorless mark on me. Unfortunate events drain the juice from the orange, quick. It’s never too late for the colors of your life to return.

My ongoing challenge is to continue to experience the orange as a beat-up (and still kicking) adult. And it’s working. The process is slow, but I’ll take it at whatever pace it wants to re-ignite me.

I would dare to say orange has been my pumpkin of joy. All the good things in my life, and I need to count my blessings more often, consistently burst in slices of orange.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way about pumpkin. Or orange.

1). All the best lessons from my teachers and mentors burst orange-red. I have applied their lessons to helping people make better financial decisions. Their written and spoken words have elevated me to be a better money manager, empathize deeper with clients and influential people in my field.

Through continuous guidance from James Altucher I have learned to forgive and choose myself. And every time he reminds me to do so (and he’s there a lot for me) I can smell, feel, touch, the fire of orange.

From Kamal Ravikant my orange glows spiritual. His words are always there, reminding me to live my truth, drop the false seduction of ego, control my efforts every day, create the orange on a daily basis and not to worry about the possible black of an outcome I cannot control. I lived in the dark of outcomes, my failures, for too long.

Srinivas Rao‘s words have encouraged me to form my own instruction manual, color outside rules I’ve created. I’m allowing them to breathe in orange, In the spirit of originality. A mental heat, emblazoned deep in orange flame, has helped me break the rules-based chains others have forged for me to follow.

The path I created, the one I now follow, is emblazoned in orange. The boundaries around those rules are mine to own and if the intentions are true orange, the rules will take me to a new shade of success.

Remember the lessons from your teachers and mentors. Write, highlight them, burn them bright orange into your brain. Thank those teachers for the words as much as you can. Never tire. Never forget. Help them. They need you, too.

2). The best memories I have of my loved ones are tangerine-toned. What I choose to remember – the good things about my family – lessons they’ve taught through imperfect action, the ability I possess to make the best Italian spaghetti sauce (thanks nana), my dad’s flair for dress. The birth of my only daughter. It’s funny. She loves everything orange too. Perhaps it’s genetic.

Never let go of the best of the ones you love. Ones who are here now, those who are gone. Honor them in orange as much as you can. They’re looking out for you. Spirits are orange.

3). The limited shades of genius formed outside my comfort zone glow amber. And when they work, I can feel the flame ignite another flash of brilliance until each step I take bursts in shards of orange.

Always remember how society will seek to force you to follow their version of you.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently…they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.”

Steve Jobs

4). The ability to make a difference feels like orange to me. When clients follow my financial advice, when I can help investors overcome an emotional bias, when I know I made an impact to someone’s financial well-being, my faith in orange returns.

Make a difference through your expertise, life experience. We are all experts in something. Even your pain can teach others. How can you share your skills, knowledge in ways that shapes or improves others? Think about it. You already have touched others positively. Now build on it.

5). Orange is sweet, it’s got spice. The environment you live, the people in your life can either add to the sweet and spice of you. Or take it away.

Choose carefully. Say no to an environment and people who suck the sweet and spice out of you. James Altucher has helped me understand the power of “no.” After you say “no,” after the first time, it gets easy. You’ll get good at understanding when to use “no.” Repeating no to yourself is just as important. Are you worthy of saying no, drawing the orange line in the sand?

You are.

And orange will be there.

Orange is autumn.

And autumn reminds us how shedding of the old, transitions us to further growth.

The smell. A combination of mold, worn plastics, the acrid odor of mechanization, body sweat, and a dishwashing liquid drop-hint of semen.

The carny potpourri was too much. Even after thirty minutes. It felt like hours of suffocation. The lack of even the tiniest pin stream of light made the sickness worse.

I put aside my fear of shadows. They lived outside the “safe” boundary of the ripped seat that brought me to this point. I knew it. They thrived where light couldn’t.

Peaked over the edge of the two-seat car that took me into amusement hell.

And vomited hard.

Into the warm, dark shadows.

Within.

A Coney Island dark ride.

One of my scary favorites.

Until that Friday night in August. 1975.

When frolic reversed like a spook house car. Right to fright.

Stuck in Coney Island’s famous –

SPOOK-A-RAMA.

It took months to gather the courage to enter the black place. The desolation of winter falling on outdoor attractions would find me wandering outside this haunt. I was drawn to the dark. The shadows inside. Even when locked for the off-season, I was on. In. The ride.

It was that damn cyclops with the six pack.

I would stare up at that face. Shudder. My eyelids frozen open. Eyes behind them seduced to stare. I wanted to be there. Part of it. The attraction to the attraction was unnatural.

That solo eye slid back and forth in a slow, stilted sweep.

In the winter. When the sky was quiet and gray and cracked dirty urban streets were empty of banter, I swore I could hear the mechanized creak of that eye.That left arm. It moved up and down at a deliberate “look at what I can do” pace. Loud too. A creep hand that held a severed head by dark, long strands.

1). What tempts you to enter the dark? Perhaps it’s the promise of light. Of love. Of sex. Of higher knowledge. Of a new bundt cake recipe. Who knows? The dark. Before it swallows you, is a seductress. It promises you what isn’t there. What was never there. Maybe it’s a bright battery of false beacons. Could be the only way to awaken from a darkmare is to get stuck in the middle of it in the first place? That’s it! You need to be trapped. Vomit deep. Purge the fear of what the dark brings with it. But first comes absorption. Attachment. Acceptance. Then – Clarity.

2). How do you disarm the shadows? Be open to them. Have souls around you intuitive enough to expose and destroy them. You’ll know who they are when they come to rescue you from that ride with the dank stench. The primal will to survive will draw you to the human lights you require. Be patient. It can take a long time but if you’re open. It. Will. Happen. Who are your teachers of the light? I have found four so far. They know who they are. I pray for more. I seek them now. I’m not tricked by the dark light anymore. But first was the pain. The fear. And the motivation to.

3). Release the shackles. Be prepared. When shackles break, some part of you will too. Consider it a priceless donation to a higher power. As a warrior willing to enter and then exit the dark, you’ll need to bleed. Give up a piece of yourself to gain a greater peace of yourself.

4). Get the lead out. Carrying the weight of the past and future will leave you for dead in the dark ride.

The ego is a hungry, rabid rodent. Eating you. Picking at you. Until. You’re the Spook-A-Rama rat. Fully engaged in the present will trap the rat, save your face and show you the way out of the illusions of fear and anger.

5). In the light, the dark shadows appear campy. Funny. Harmless. Rotted. Lots of wires. Nothing real. Promises you made to the fear will die. The ties that bound you to false obligations of the past will break.

Best-selling author, shiner of the light, James Altucher wrote this to me today – The shadows aren’t real. They are playing out a story with you. A fiction.

Just when you believe your life hits a point beyond anything bad you’ve felt before.

Just at the time you feel you’re going to break, even though you’ve been strong your entire life.

Just when you question everything and can’t come up with positive, reassuring answers.

There’s a shift in perspective.

The wind changes.

Perhaps it’s self-preservation. Cowardice. Not sure.

There was a point a few months back when I questioned the unquestionable:

Is it worth being here? Where was my value?

Did I ever provide value to begin with?

Was it all an illusion?

Was I my career, my job, my writing, my knowledge?

What the fuck happened over the last nine months, can anyone tell me?

I examined it from various levels – 40,000 feet, mostly. Then a nosedive to ground zero.

I was working to convince myself: Perhaps my time in this life had run out. I wanted the control. I wanted to release the coil. To discover where the energy goes. I mean everything runs its course, right?

I asked myself the following:

Would I have better hair? Straighter please. Like David Cassidy.

Would I have private parts that more resembled my father’s as opposed to my mother’s? (Self-deprecating humor is healthy, people).

Would I be famous, more accomplished, a better writer, a more empathetic person, richer, would I have a better nose?

Would I make wiser decisions for clients, friends, loved ones?

Would I be fooled again to trust, to love, to cherish?

Would I still be lactose intolerant?

I couldn’t answer any of these questions. Because you can’t lay out a path for the unknown and your past tricks you to answer negatively.

I realized how important it was, is, to focus on the present.

The breeze taught me so.

At a Valero station. As I pumped gas. I closed my eyes. Focused on where I was, what I was doing. The beauty of the moment. I was grounded. I was still here after all the mental anguish.

Then from nowhere, a breeze came. Warm. It hit my skin and burst around me. The wind (ok, a breeze squared), rare in Texas, felt like nothing I ever experienced.

Why?

Because it’s 100,000 degrees in Texas and just plain felt good? Maybe.

Or was I in the present? Aware of the now, which accentuated the sensation. All these years I’ve spent building toward the future, I never fully appreciated where I was today. What a waste.

What a waste to treat the now like it’s merely a weigh station between what was and what was to be. Especially when you realize, life, who you are is right now. Today.

Maybe that’s why I love financial planning so much as I’m always trying to paint the picture of a financial future, when I should be increasingly focused on where people are financially right now.

I’ll never forget that breeze of enlightenment.

Random Thoughts:

1). Realize your ego is the greatest enemy. Your ego thrives on tricking, misleading you. It’s like those hot kids in high school who incessantly reminded you how unworthy you were to hang with them. You weren’t perfect – too short, your face was ugly, too fat, too skinny. My ego constantly reminds me of how I’m not successful enough and if I hit a certain level of success (my ego has not defined) I will be happy. The ego is flowing with conditions and impossible goals that can’t be reached. And if you do reach them, your ego says “listen asshole, you’re just keeping up here. Move to the next level and then I’ll deem you worthy of existence.”

I have learned that the more I focus on what’s underneath me and not what’s in back or in front of me, I can shut that ego down. Focusing on today distracts the ego from its goal – to destroy your self esteem. Limit your potential. It wants you to fail so it can tease, bully.

2). Learn from the past. But don’t let it weigh down your present. I have learned some valuable lessons from people in my past. For a time, those people made me angry. Not any longer. The lessons I’ve learned from the past, help me appreciate the present even more. Some experiences have made me who I am today, added to the texture who is me. Appreciate your layers, who you are, faults and all. The faults, the dents, are great arsenals to appreciate the present.

3). Breathe more. Sounds stupid, I know. During the day, I use deep breathing to gear me to focus on the present. Breathe in deep – hold for 6 seconds. Release. Three times. I then close my eyes and open wide. It’s like I stopped a film, mid scene. Then I ask: What am I grateful for RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT? I can’t tell you how this has stopped Mr. Ego in his wicked tracks.

4). Don’t take out fear and greed on your portfolio. Fear, greed, are ultimate destroyers to portfolio returns. The S&P 500 is off roughly 6.5% from its high point in May, and we’ve seen incredible overreaction by bond and stock investors to sell. If you have specific, written rules for rebalancing your portfolio (buying and selling based on specific guidelines), then you can take advantage of swoons (buy low) and manage euphoria (sell high).

5). Appreciate your humanity. Nobody is perfect. Perfection is an illusion of the ego. I’ve learned “perfection within imperfection” where imperfections allow for differences, discussions and if you’re open-minded: Learning.