Saturday, January 30, 2010

An Indian politician is calling for a police force to be created to protect statues she has erected of herself and her mentors. The chief minister of Uttar Pradesh state, Mayawati, says her political opponents want to demolish the statues. A bill proposing the force has been introduced in the state assembly, to be debated at a later date.

Yes, pick up your jaw from the floor, sew it back on and then come back for more.

According to the bill tabled in the state assembly, the squad would be named the Special State Security Force. If passed, the bill will give officers powers to detain people they suspect of threatening security near the statues. The initial cost of raising the force is estimated to be 540m rupees ($11.6m; £7.1m). Yearly maintenance would cost 140m rupees ($3m; £1.8m).

That's just dandy.

Maybe if the people of Uttar Pradesh turned into statues, then someone might try to protect them from the criminals?

No?

I could really put a long rant here about how dangerous this woman is to the institution of democracy or how she doesn't give a rat's ass about her constituents.

But what's the point?

She's like Marie Antoinette who wanted the hungry people in her kingdom to eat cake, instead of bread. She's like Colonel Jessop and probably thinks that we can't handle the truth. She's like Arthur Kirkland and believes that it's not her but everyone else who is out of order.

She's like the ugly zit on your face which no amount of make-up can hide. She's like Angela Petrelli from Heroes, responsible for everything bad that occurs, but still getting away with zero percent of the blame.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

[Note: This is not a review of the new RGV film, Rann. I haven't seen the film, and frankly I don't plan too.]

One thing that is apparent from the buildup to the new Ram Gopal Varma movie, Rann, is that Ram Gopal Varma hates the media.

Shocker! I know.

What makes me say that, you ask?

Well, if you haven't seen the thousands of of interviews he's given about 'hating the media', to the media then you must have seen him hold discussions with members of the cast of his movie, which was shown during prime time on the same "news" channels whose dubiousness he plans to expose. Or maybe you caught the press conference he held for journalists in which he told them how much he didn't care for them. Or maybe you are a journalist and were invited to the special screenings of his movie, which was held exclusively for journalists.

He's probably angry with the media for giving him so much coverage. I mean remember right after Rangeela and Satya the media anointed him as the master filmmaker? And then, out of nowhere, they dropped him like a hot potato after the disastrous Sholay remake [in their own opinion RGV still stands by his masterpiece.] and those nineteen hundred Antra Mali movies. They called him a failed genius!

Him. The man who has the eye of Copola, the passion of Tarnatino and the raw cinematic vision of Hitchcock.

RGV will not play their game again!

He will also not be seduced by their current efforts to band him as "The Comeback Kid".

RGV will not be fooled by the media. Because he has seen the emperor and the emperor has no clothes!

What his "enemies" in the media have forgotten is that Ram Gopal Varma is an outsider. An outlier, as our friend Malcom Gladwell would say.

That is why he only works with such small name actors like the Bachchans. And who has even heard of Paresh Rawal? The only "big star" who appears in his movies is Ritiesh Deshmukh, who, let's face it, only does Varma's movies for the friendship, as he is so busy otherwise, playing both male and female leads simultaneously!

Do you think Varma is in the business of making movies for the money?

Sheeple, please.

He is the personification of you, a brave everyman underdog trying to take on the system and show the truth behind the truth!

He does not care about how much business his movies do. That's just a bonus! He probably gives away all the profits, to charity!

The Samajwadi Party finds rebound Amar Singh. The most important question is, which 'powerful' Bollywood family is the new Amar Singh close too? [IndExp]

The Indian government says that the Padma Bhushan awarded to Sant 'Clinton' Chatwal was done so after strict due diligence. [TOI]. Exactly. The same due diligence give to Government of India advertisements. [BBC]. Meanwhile, non-elitist tweeter Vir Sanghvi has joined forces with another non-elitist tweeter Pritish Nandy to file an RTI application wanting to know the selection process that resulted in Mr Chatwal being awarded the nation's third highest civilian honour. [Twitter]. The highest award in the Padma series is the Padma Lakshmi and only one person of Indian origin has been known to receive it, although reportedly he received it over and over and over again.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the new apple device which is going to take over your life. The iPad. First everyone will hate it because Steve Jobs is a douchebag, then everyone will buy it because besides being a douchebag, Steve Jobs is also like a kidnapper and we're all hostages suffering from Stockholm syndrome. Although I think he is losing it a little bit. Apple probably spends billions of dollars on product development, but that's the best name they could come up with? The only name worse than "iPad" is the "iQueada". [Gizmodo]

President Obama will give his first 'State of the Union' address to the joint session of the US Congress. Rumour has it that he might open the speech by singing an acoustic version of Pants on the ground. [VOA]

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I realised that I never completed the essay on republic Day my teacher in third grade told me too write. So since I don't like to leave things incomplete, and I am up at this infernal hour, I thought why not do that essay in the form of a live blog. Because why the fuck not? Blogging is just like writing an essay in third grade, except with more cuss words.

Therefore (yeah, we're even using fancy words now! Mrs. Keeler would be so proud!) grab a bottle of your favourite alcoholic drink and join us while we commemorate India's 61st Republic Day. If you are one of the five people who read this blog, or are someone new, you can always use the comment section to comment!

08:55 AM They're showing various ancient people they call 'Governors' reading out something I presume to be a speech. If they had any guts, they would show an ND Tiwari/Viagra advert instead.

09:00 AM The news channels are going all out!! Everyone is dressed in ethnic chic!!

09:10 AM Okay, news channels. We get it. There is heightened security. Can we move on, please?

09:15 AM My alarm just went off. I NEVER wake up before my alarm. This almost never happens. It must mean that the universe WANTED me to write this live blog.

09:20 AM They're showing patriotic songs now, sung by that famous old singing lady, while shots of determined people interwoven with other things. A thousand throats must be choking right now, with poignant sadness.

09:22 AM New song has mixed theme: Mobile Phones, children in school, solitary Olympic Gold medal. I had forgotten that DD videos are a work of 'art'.

09:25 AM The DD anchor lady is either on crack or just found out that her mother-in-law is moving out.

09:30 AM India Gate is looking beautiful! No, seriously. But Rajpath is fogged like a son-of-a-bitch!

09:32 AM They are doing a history lesson! In all languages!

09:36 AM No one can see anything. Specially the defence minister! Which is a good thing!

09: 39 AM The voice-over lady has said the words "Indira Gandhi" 31525463991740374891 times already.

09:44 AM Anchor lady is reading out President Kalam's poems. Kalam is many things, however, sadly, not a poet.

09:50 AM I hope President Pratibha Patil either fly's down on her own or has someone fly her over Rajpath while she skydives towards the podium, while everyone looks on, applauding her for her gumption.

09:55 AM This year's chief guest is South Korean President Lee Myung-bak. South Korea is the non-crazy Korea.

09:58 AM Dammit! President Patil did not do any dare-devilry today. That would have been awesome, and let's face it, done wonders for the ratings. Also, the video would have gone viral on You Tube. Sigh. So many missed opportunities.

10:27 AM Did you know that the Republic Day marks the anniversary of the adoption of the Constitution of India and the transition of India from a British Dominion to a republic on January 26, 1950?

10:30 AM The IAF tableau could have used a better font.

10:32 AM The display of all those missiles has a somewhat "Looking at you, neighbours!" spirit to it. Hey, it's Republic Day. We need to tell everyone that we can open a can of serious nuclear whoop-ass on them.

11:40 AM The parade is now getting over? Well, I haven't even used up all my recycled jokes yet!

So here are floats we were not able to see:

- The UP tableau, which contained three statues of Mayawati Aunty along with a family which is without any food, electricity or water, but is still depicted voting for her!

- The Gujarat float, which only had an almost life-like replica of Narendra Modi's head.

11:45 AM The parade ends with famous old lady singer singing another national song which some people don't like singing, because of the difficult lyrics?

11:48 AM OMG! The DD anchor on crack is BACK!

So then we came to an end!

I haven't sat through such a long teevee broadcast in ages! Specially on DD, which I had even forgotten existed! It still is the same, sad network it was, back in the day. Except that the anchors are on drugs! Maybe they always were on drugs!

Anyways, all the cynicism aside, no matter how sucky it gets, no matter who they elect to be Prime Minister (Personally, I wouldn't mind Snooki from Jersey Shore, but whatever!), I will always love my country because there is no other place in the world where I can have Dal Makhani with Veg. Fried Rice!

Leaders of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change apologized yesterday for making a "poorly substantiated" claim that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035.

The finding was included in the group's 2007 report in an error-riddled paragraph that also misstates the total land area covered by Himalayan glaciers. Scientists who identified the mistakes say the IPCC report relied on news accounts that appear to misquote a scientific paper that estimated the glaciers could disappear by 2350, not 2035.

Oops!

Hey, IPCC, aren't you guys scientists? So shouldn't you have OVERCHECKED for errors? Shouldn't you have higher standards than a student in fifth grade who even has typos in his project report which he completely copied from Wikipedia?

And yes, I WAS WRONG to believe the IPCC when they said that their "report was peer reviewed by scientists from various countries" and that they used data provided by ISRO.

However, the point remains that even though the IPCC was wrong, even Jairam Ramesh and his crank scientist were wrong to deny global warming. Global warming is not a myth. It is something which is quite evident and in front of us. We see it when it rains unseasonly or the thick fog which envelops our cities every morning, we feel it when we have a heat wave and cold wave in the same year. It's real. The climate is changing and not in a good way.

The greyest lady of all in newsbusiness, the New York Times, is to start charging people for reading their online edition from 2011. Which is funny because by 2011 we'll all be getting our news from the twitter client embedded in our brain. [Mediabistro]

The people of Massachusetts elected a crazy, wingnutty cosmo centerfold to replace Ted Kennedy in the US Senate. This gives the Republicans a 41-59 majority, which will somehow finally kill the world in 2012. Just like the Mayans predicted. [Gawker]

The Italian Prime Minister (aka the ND Tiwari of Europe) could even teach Indian politicians a thing or two about having your cake and eating it too. [WashPost]

Famous teevee journalist who writes books about food and hosts shows about getting stuff custom made for yourself, thinks that bloggers and twatters are elitists. [Vir Sanghvi via FlyYouFools]

Shivraj "Crazy McPants" Patil and his extensive wardrobe are being rewarded for their performance as India's best minister of 'home' by being made Governor of Punjab. After this was announced, Patil, as is his habit, announced that "we will ensure thatthe perpetrators of this horrible incident will be caught and bought to justice". And then he wet his pants. [Zee News]

Good news for all those stuck in the office because you don't really want to spend time with your significant other. The IPL will now be broadcast for free on You Tube. This will be even better than the teevee broadcast because you won't have to hear Ravi Shastri's "commentary" & "analysis" during the match. Another #win for the internets. [Techie Buzz]

The NBC late-night show brouhaha is not just good for a few jokes, it's also a good business lesson. You can use this to make a PPT for the next company 'retreat' (if you work for a company which has enough money to have one) and sound all cool and zeitgesty. And if you really want the presentation to be a hit, make sure to end by making a joke about Jay Leno's huge chin. [WSJ]

Finally, in case you haven't already heard, Bill Gates joined twitter. He gets followed 208 times per minute. He also makes millions of dollars per minute. I fear that this is headed towards the all new Bill-Gates-will-donate-a-million-dollars-to-charity-for-every-follower-he-has spam meme. Kidding. He will probably give all his followers a free copy of Windows 7! [PC Mag]

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Everyone thought (not really) that they solved the MNS-is-punching-north-Indians problem when they elected the Congress-NCP people for a record third term. However, as it turns out, the election was fixed and no matter who they voted for, it turns out they elected the crazy guy who runs that bullying operation.

The Maharashtra Cabinet on Wednesday decided to grant taxi permits to only those people who have been residing in the state for 15 years.

The new rules also state that who applying for taxi permits must speak, read and write Marathi.

Ha, ha! Despite the Maharashtra government wanting the poors from other states to eat a bag of dicks, this won't last for long. That is because (a) As my Irish friend Colin (!) points out, it is against the feckin constitutionand (b) When the noble bench of the Janpath High Court hears about this, they are going to put their foot down and hold the Maharshtra government by it's ear, and make them say "back-sies".

Which will then accomplish two things: (One.) Make the "high command" look all magnanimous and statesmen-like and will help them burnish their "pro-people" credentials (whatever that is) &&& (Two.) Local leaders of the Maharashtra Congress can pretend to be "sources" for those sexy clued-in journalists and tell people (anonymously, of course) how "disappointed" they are at their own party, which in turn helps them polish their pro-Marathi-speaking-people credentials (whatever that is).

Game. Set. Match.

And if you're wondering, it's a two headed coin. You have no chance of winning. Go home and watch some teevee. Or get a blog and vent.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

There are men who are born to a life of mediocrity. Men who are born to work, eat and wither away. Men who go by their whole lives, without being noticed at all. Men who fall by the wayside, never to be heard from again. Then there are those men who born into greatness. Men who have destinies to fulfil. Men who by the sheer force of their willpower end up changing the world. Men who are the true heroes of our time.

One such hero is Mr. Jairam Ramesh. Friend of the blog, hair enthusiast and all round nice guy. After first proving that global warming is a conspiracy and then still coming up with a solution for it, toupee Gandhi is now trying to solve the problem of BT Brinjal, which, as it turns out, is not a type of brinjal sponsored by British Telecom (who knew?).

Anyways, Dr. Hairspray decided that enough was enough and it was time for a change. So he went to West Bengal, the brinjal capital of India (not really. But it adds a little sense to the narrative. So just shuddap and play along).

Since His Hairness is a man of the people, he thought that he would give the people a chance to speak to him. All his friends and co-heroes asked him not to consider views of the lesser beings. But he ignored their sage advice. 'Nay', he said to all the naysayers. He would discard his ego like a bad strand of hair and listen to the wisdom of the less heroic. The less knowledgeable. The people who have no greatness bestowed upon them. The ones who have not been chosen by the almighty to lead the people onto the light.

He braved rain, wind, wind blowing sand in his face, heat, and the arctic cold, (miraculously none of which was able to mess his hair. I need to find out which product he uses), so as to reach his people.

And what did the people do?

The people failed him.

All he wanted to do was listen to his people. And they shout at him. Scream at him? Throw ineligible words at him? Try to insult their beloved Captain Haircut? After everything he did for them?

All this just for some goddamn brinjals? It's confounding, is what it is.

Shame on you, people. Shame on you! How could you? How can you sleep at night knowing how much hurt you caused to our heroes' heart?

However, a small setback like this does not deter our great hero. If the people want him to leave, he would get out of their hair in an instant. He doesn't need their permission to do what's good for them. A true hero sees things us mere mortals cannot even fathom. A true hero saves you from calamities you may never even know off. As some old guy once said, with great power comes great amounts of money great responsibility.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It's that time of the month again, when our minister of talking to scary foreign people, Tweety Tharoor, says something with some amount of truth (or as journalists call it, a "gaffe") and everyone catches fire. Usually he uses his satanic smart phone to cause a national uproar, this time he gave a speech at the Pravasi Bharat Divas (aka the annual meeting of the Narendra Modi fan club). So while everybody rehashes the Shashi Tharoor-flashes-someone-on-twitter meme into the Shashi Tharoor-disrespects-the-olds meme, and ends up blowing blows hot air up each other's asses, here's what they really mean to say:

The Media: ZOMG! We can't really do any real reporting because all the people who fuck with the country's resources have got us by the balls, but hey look Shashi Tharoor said something. Haha, this guy is like a gift who keeps on giving. STOP THE PRESSES!!! WE GOT A FRONT PAGE HEADLINE FOR TOMMOROW!! LOOK, OUR EDITOR JUST CAME IN HIS PANTS!! OR DON'T BECAUSE THAT IS JUST GROSS!!

The INC(I): How dare someone have an opinion on anything? Doesn't he realize that the Congress is like an army of pods? We are only allowed to think those thoughts which have been downloaded into our brains by either Soniajee Madam or Rahuljee "baba". Everything else is blasphemy. Wait, what do you mean Shashi Tharoor wrote a book spoofing both Nehru and Gandhi? When did that happen? DID SOMEONE TELL MADAM? Don't worry, I think we know who our next Ambassador to Yemen is going to be!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Even though the jury is still out on whether this is technically the start of the new decade or not, we are simply going to ignore all that and just like the mainstream media do whatever the hell we want to. Since everyone and their mother have summed up the last decade in hundreds of nauseating ways, we thought that we would channel the dead spirit of nostradamus (and the people who were pretty darn sure that Iraq had WMD's) and just like them, based on absolutely nothing, come with predictions which might or might not be true. Who really knows or cares because isn't everything printed on the internets the gospel truth?

The decade will start by forcing everyone who wants to travel in an airplane to basically travel nude because some dipshit who got tired of scamming people by pretending to be the son of a deposed prince and then wanted to blow up his crotch to prove a point which no one really knows (or as Joe Liberman put it, 'preemptive War on any Muslim sounding country'). Since no luggage will be provided, airlines will try to recoup their losses by charging people with large body parts more money under 'extra baggage'. Emo kids and reality teevee stars will also be asked to pay double, due to their large amount of emotional baggage.

If no celebrities will die then Larry king will get Nancy Regan to séance with Michael Jackson's ghost in which he will finally confess to being a white catholic Republican lady in disguise. This will ensure that Jebus forgives all his 'alleged' child-porn sins.

The oracle of hope, President Obama, will win the 2012 election by default because Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin will end up inadvertently shooting each other in their Last Hunter Standing match at Wrestlemania, which would be held to decide the nomination for the Republican candidate.

The green movement in Iran will finally win their fight for electoral reform. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will escape to America where he will be hired as a contributor to Fox News wherein his only task would be to appear on the screen for five minutes during the Glenn Beck show and make scary faces while continuously shouting "Death to Diet Bagels".

Sometime during the decade, Arnab Goswami will get tired of shouting at the camera and decide to take matters into his own hand and will invade Pakistan along with Farook Dhondy and Suhel Seth.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari will gay-marry Hussain Sharrif so that their love-child, Benazir Bilawal Asif Nawaz Hussain Zardari Bhutto Sharif, will become the youngest President of Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh will cite 'health grounds' and Jayanti Natrajan's body odour in his resignation letter to future astronaut and current President, Prathibha Patil, which will pave the way for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of both the India's, the 'real one' (which only exists in Madhur Bhandarkar movies) and the 'fake one' (which only exists in Karan Johar movies).

96 year old ND Tiwari will become the Governor of India's 137th state, which will solely consist of all the children he has 'allegedly' illegally sired over these years. He will continue to have orgies in the Governor's mansion.

However, all the screwing will stop when Narendra Modi and his merry band of non-voting NRI's, who will make it compulsory for everyone to vote for them, take over and no one will ever have sex in India ever again.

Have a great decade, people! If this doesn't make you look forward to it, I don't know what will.

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