Me: “Would you like me to open the deli bag so you can take a look at it?”

Customer:*threatening* “I just may.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Would you like me to open the deli bag, ma’am?”

(There was another pause before the customer walked away with her deli order clutched tight. Customers often assumed cutting meat shaved is an exponential force multiplier leading to grand heaps of deli meat despite having only ‘cleverly’ ordered an infinitesimal amount of actual meat.)

(I work for a well known supermarket that has exactly one equally popular competitor in Australia. It’s a well known ‘feud,’ if you will. A customer I don’t recognise comes in and starts looking closely at all our items.)

Customer:*muttering to herself* “Um… can I ask you some stupid questions?”