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The Award-Winning Cooking Show in My Head

Tonight
we're going to be making one of my signature dishes, Cheesy
Deliciousness. As I'm sure many of you are aware, the name of this dish
derives from the massive amount of cheese that goes into it, as well as
the fact that it is delicious.

I like bring all my ingredients out onto the counter before I began
preparing any dish. That way, I won't hurriedly look into the
refrigerator while I'm cooking, bang my head in there, have the
refrigerator door close on my neck, and die with my head lying on a
shelf between a carton of orange juice and a leftover party platter
from Trader Joe's. Because nothing, people, dampens the mood of a
festive dinner party or afternoon brunch like a dead person in the
kitchen with his head in the fridge.

All right! So here we have our sauce, our bag of frozen spinach, and
our noodles. Now, I know that using the "bow-tie" noodle for this dish
is controversial. Of course, it is my dish, so I could use
horse teeth in it if I wanted to. But I don't. I want to use bow-tie
noodles. You are free to use whatever pasta you like. But I prefer
noodles in the shape of clothing favored by smug geeks who think their
winsome choice of neck-wear gives them depth. If they ever make a
noodle in the shape of an ascot, I'll be making Arrogant Weenie
Casserole that very afternoon.

Now, I find that the key to this dish lies in the proper choice of
sauce. I find the Ragu brand generally satisfactory. But lately the
Ragu company has developed so many kinds of sauces that I end
up too confused to buy any of them at all. Do I want Basil Mushroom
Garlic Meat? Oregano Fennel Barley Parsley? Mint Thyme Bell Pepper
Celery Lemon Zest? Chunky Wheat? Tuscany Dreams? Romano Delight?
Tunisian Dalliance? Germanic Insistence? I have no idea. That is why,
ultimately, I find that the most satisfying sauce for me to use in just
about any of my dishes is the sauce that happens to be on sale when I'm
shopping.

Of course, these days you need a degree in applied logarithms to
figure out what grocery items on sale actually cost. Now tags for store
sale items say things like "6 for $9.43," or "14 for $62.18."
Apparently grocery stores have discovered a correlation between making
money, and making people feel stupid because they can't do long
division in their heads. Perhaps they've all gone into the pocket
calculator business. I have no idea. But it's made me bitter and
dyspeptic.

Anyway, back to cooking! But first, a word from one of our very favorite sponsors, Two-Buck Chuck.