Alarming quotes from modern kids

Nov 28, 2017

Lyndsey Gilmour doesn’t want to sound old but… have you heard the way little kids talk these days?

Firstly, I’m not talking about the times they come bragging about feeding dishwasher tablets to their younger sibling during a teddy bear’s picnic (although, admittedly, that is kind of scary, Laura from Leeds). I mean the precociously middle class words and phrases that would never have entered our heads at their age (ahem). The kind of cringe-worthy twaddle that would make our grandparents choke on their Wagon Wheels; the stuff almost too embarrassing to repeat. When I caught my five-year-old playing ‘boutiques’ with her dolls last week, I decided to blame Netflix. Thankfully, after conducting a quick poll with some fellow mums, I realised I wasn’t alone in my shame…

Ready, bready, dough

“Once, in Tesco, my son announced he was hungry, so Mum offered to take him to find a snack. Asking what he fancied, she expected him to say grapes, rice cakes, maybe a biscuit if he was pushing his luck. But when he replied “some brioche”, dragging her to the bread aisle, we were absolutely helpless. He’s two.” Carla, Grimsby.

A right tosser

“Being a fussy eater, we recently introduced our daughter, who’s four, to the banana chocolate pancakes my husband makes after the gym. So, when on Shrove Tuesday, she was at my in-laws and I got a call asking what “protein powder” was, I couldn’t believe she’d remembered that vital ingredient.” Nicci, Bracknell

Phone hacker

“My now nearly three-year-old was a late talker so you can imagine how soul destroying it was to hear “Ooo-tube” amongst her first words. My fault for letting her watch Peppa Pig on my phone for moments of respite; still, devastating on many levels.” Francine, London

Comic timing

“I have three kids so don’t often get to put my feet up with a cup of tea. But while my eldest two were at school one day, my youngest asked what I was doing flicking through the copy of Grazia my sister had left. I said: “having some ‘me time’,” slightly facetiously. A few days later at the newsagents, she pointed at the comics asking if she could have some “me time”.” Charlie, Lincoln

Toilet humour

“I have no idea where my five-year-old heard the term “ensuite”, but when we were round our neighbour’s and she parroted it when asking to go to the toilet, I was amused and baffled all at once. As was our neighbour: the poor woman is in her seventies and, like us, definitely doesn’t have an “ensuite”.” Jo, Tring

Drinking games

“The best way to gauge what my daughter, five, processes is to see how she role-plays her toys. When I caught Snow White telling the prince they had run out of “Elderflower cordial”, and that it was only for “special occasions”, I could not stop laughing.” Anne-Marie, Norfolk

Coffee shopped

“We were in Costa when a toddler on another table was throwing a real wobbler, so my son, quite familiar with the phrase at the time, turned to me and said smuggly: “I think that baby needs to go in time out,” just loud enough for everyone else to hear.” Gemma, Worcester.

Taxi for Debs!

“Over the school holidays we were coming out of Pizza Express when it was raining, and my son Arthur, six, looked at me and said: ‘We’re just going to have to get an Uber,’ without missing a beat. Am I that predictable?” Debbie, London

The BIG embarrassment

“There was an advert on the radio recently that used the word “gargantuan”, so one day in the car my son, four, asked what it meant. I told him, gave him some context and thought nothing else of it. That is, until we were at the cinema sometime after and he described a woman nearby’s popcorn as just that. I couldn’t tell if the sneery look we got in response was that of embarrassment or ‘you have the most precocious child in the world.’”Holly, Essex

Something fishy

‘My much younger sister-in-law, who doesn’t have kids, offered to help make sarnies for my daughter’s fifth birthday party. So when she asked Amelia what sort she wanted, and was met with “smoked salmon and cream cheese”, I bet she wished she’d never asked!” Claire, Winchester