Paris Parts
Paris Hilton and actor/entrepreneur Doug Reinhardt have split after 6 months of dating. The problem was conflicting careers. He actually has one.

Donald Dumps
Donald Trump has removed Carrie Prejean as Miss California. There are philosophical conflicts. He is pro choice. She is pro comb.

Eddie opens
“Imagine That” opens in theaters this weekend. Eddie Murphy’s role as a father is a departure for him. He plays a guy who has a child in wedlock.

Bud Wheat
Anheuser-Busch is offering a wheat version of its Bud Light brand. The brewery will market the line to its biggest demographic. Charles Barkley.

Daly Done
John Daly failed to qualify for the U.S. Open. This changes the dynamic of the tournament. Without him on the course, the gallery can hold about 125 more people.

Manny Muted
The MLB has told the Dodgers that Manny Ramirez can’t visit the clubhouse while suspended. Teammates noticed a change in him. Without that female hormone, he’s a lot less emotional.

Arm Robbery
A Spanish bakery is being sued for throwing out the severed arm of an employee. The store signage is at least accurate. When it says “some items 25 percent off”, it’s not lying.

Tobacco Sweet
R.J. Reynolds is test marketing dissolvable tobacco candies. Smokers enjoy the benefits. They don’t be inhale tar and nicotine, but still have the same bad breath.

Video Online
Digital downloads of video games continue to grow. The culture of the games has changed a bit. Now when your character steals a car in Grand Theft Auto, it’s considered government property.

Changing Channels
Television stations go all digital on June 12. Of course, this won’t affect viewers of the Lifetime network. Both have cable.

A new, superheavy, element has been added to the periodic table of elements. Element 112, Ununbium, is 277 times heavier than hydrogen and the heaviest element in the table. If the table could talk, it would surely ask, “Does this element make me look fat?”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has turned down an offer to appear on David Letterman’s show to talk about jokes he’s made at her expense. She and her husband Todd are said to be working on their own show called “I’m A Celebrity … Snowmobile Me Out of Here!”

A Spanish trade union is suing a bakery that allegedly threw the severed arm of an employee into a trash can after it was amputated in an accident with a kneading machine. What’s worse, the now one-armed bakery employee was fired for not knowing how to make ladyfingers.

Donald Trump says he fired Carrie Prejean from her post as Miss California USA because she violated her contract and endorsed outside organizations without authorization. The one that bugged the Donald the most was her endorsement of People for the Ethical Treatment of Christian ‘Apprentice’ Losers.

Carrie Prejean says she lost her title of Miss California USA because she refused to pose for Playboy. Hugh Hefner says he can’t understand why she wouldn’t do it because her private parts would have been covered by Donald Trump’s hair.

Cristiano Ronaldo, the star player for the Manchester United soccer team, has been sold to Real Madrid for a record $130.7 million. When he heard the price, Brett Favre called Real Madrid to see if they needed a guy to throw the ball back onto the field after it goes out of bounds.

The World Health Organization declared a swine flu pandemic, making it the first global flu epidemic in 41 years. If the swine flu were transmitted by sexual contact, would that make it a Peter Pandemic?

A Minnesota psychologist has surrendered her license to practice after she was accused of taking a patient shopping and then billing it as therapy. Sarah Palin immediately called the Republican National Committee and asked if there was still time to change her story.

At a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin, President Obama said that Americans can reduce the cost of health care by taking better care of themselves. Wait a minute … isn’t that the Republican health care plan?

CIA Director Leon Panetta says he believes Osama bin Laden is still in Pakistan. During the election campaign, John McCain claimed he knew exactly where bin Laden was, but even Dick Cheney is afraid to try and waterboard it out of him.

The publicist for Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and the late Sonny Bono, has confirmed that she’s in the early stages of changing her gender to male. Cher is really disappointed since Chastity was the only lesbian who liked her music.

Some Guantanamo Bay detainees will be transferred to Palau, a sparsely populated archipelago in the North Pacific. In the spirit of bipartisanship, President Obama immediately offered the job of U.S. Consulate Director of Palau to John McCain.

Sign in subway: “Learn English! If you don’t speak fluent English, how can you realistically expect to successfully negotiate this abysmal job market? (Classes forming now in YOUR language!)”

Mickey Rourke is getting more movie roles. He’s figuring that just one more botched plastic surgery should put him all the way back on top.

There’s a new wonder drug. It doesn’t cure any disease; it just gets rid of that endless list of side effects caused by every other medicine advertised on television.

Colleges are dropping courses due to budget cuts, but also adding a few new ones. Offerings include “Unemployment as a Lifestyle” and “The Graceful Art of Moving Back in with Mom and Dad”.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight reelection fight that many experts say he may not win. See, this is what happens when you downplay your association with terrorists.

The experts say that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may lose reelection because he resorted to gimmicky campaign tricks rather than focusing on the issues. Getting the brunt of the blame: Samsheesh the Plumber.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his chief rival for reelection Nir Hussein Moussavi, recently met for a knock down, drag out discussion. The experts say there has been nothing like it since the Hoomgazadeb/Elmaflizikir debates of 1860

A Frenchman shattered the world record for holding one’s breath under water – at 11 minutes and 35 seconds. The French are used to holding their breath. Have you ever ridden on a crowded Paris subway?

George Bush, Sr. will celebrate his 85th birthday on Friday by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. They will be falling at roughly the same rate as CNN’s ratings.

Prince reportedly needs a double hip replacement – but because of religious reasons, will not undergo the surgery. So, in the future, Prince will forgo the Activity Formerly Known As Walking.

North Korea said today that it would use nuclear weapons in a “merciless offensive” if provoked. Until now, “mercilessly offensive” only described “The Jerry Springer Show”.

In their win over the LA Lakers Tuesday night, the Orlando Magic shot 63% from the field. One excited Magic cheerleader shouted, “Wow, that’s almost half!”

Senators Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham threatened to shut down the Senate until Congress allows President Obama to suppress photos showing detainee abuse. Congress? Shut down? So, there is a bit of good news coming out of Washington.

A man was arrested for trying to smuggle 24 pounds of marijuana in his surfboard across the U.S.-Mexico border. It was the only surfboard in America that required water-wings.

Lawmakers in California are considering getting rid of welfare – as the state battles a $24.3 billion budget deficit. California is like General Motors, but without the astute money management.

The FDA has approved a cancer drug for dogs. It’s dangerous to make jokes about cancer but here goes … The pills are even covered under the new Obama health plan for domestic partners. So long as you don’t mind sharing a bed with someone who chases rabbits in their sleep.

Scientists say that the Earth and Venus or possibly Mars may collide — in about 3.5 billion years … Or about the length of time it takes GM to pay us back.

Sarah Palin and David Letterman are having a feud. Dave made fun of her in a Top Ten bit. Sarah says if she looks out her window, she can see Dave’s ego.

Maury Povich has joined a national campaign to stop teen pregnancy. Girls, you can put a nickel between you knees or watch Maury’s show. Both are guaranteed to prevent sex.

President Obama has been criticized for having his picture taken while talking to some one with his feet up on the desk. In some cultures it is considered an insult to show the bottom of your shoes … Baloney! He’s the President. He’s black. And he’s got soles.

A man in Florida is suing a nightclub, claiming that he was permanently injured after a stripper kicked him in the head. This is the second time something like this has happened to him. The first time he claimed he nearly choked to death on a Hooters T-shirt.

Based on an Iowa woman’s photo of a rare cloud formation, scientists have classified it as a new type of cloud and named it altocumulus undulatus asperatus. As I recall, the other three basic cloud types are bunny rabbit, cotton candy and snowman.

Using a particle accelerator, German scientists have combined lead and zinc atoms to create a new element, the heaviest material known to man. I believe they named it “kirstieallium.”

Four Chinese Muslims were released from the prison at Guantanamo and have been resettled in Bermuda. Although pleased to be free and pleased to be in Bermuda, they were absolutely furious that they got there too late for Spring Break.

The Orlando Magic hit 1 of 6 crucial freethrows down the stretch. It was enough to make their fans miss the clutch foul shooting of Shaquille O’Neal.

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New beer drinking toast in Green Bay – “May your troubles last as long as Brett Favre’s retirements”

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The University of Alabama must forfeit 21 football wins after an investigation revealed players were obtaining free textbooks to give or sell to other students. What was the investigators’ first clue? That the football players were getting textbooks.

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A note to readers: This post is the last for the Laugh Lines blog, started three years ago as a place for amusing stuff on the Web, curated to the sensibilities of Times readers. The blog’s end is a function of the reality of limited resources in a medium where any number of worthy experiments are possible, but all can’t be sustained.Rest assured, our regular, outside feed of editorial cartoons will remain available via links on The New York Times home page and the Crosswords & Games and Week in Review section fronts. Thanks to our loyal readers and contributors, and regrets. — The editorsRead more…

Monologue | Thursday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud.Read more…

Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He’s still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad. Read more…