Putin Furious at Saudis for Using His Puppet Without Permission

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is “absolutely furious” at the Saudi royal family for using his puppet without first obtaining his permission, an aide to Putin confirmed on Wednesday.

According to the aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Russian President has been “seething with anger” in recent days as he has observed the Saudis using his favorite puppet as if it were their own.

“At one point, Putin was watching the news and saw his puppet behaving in the kind of scraping, subservient manner toward the Saudis that he had previously reserved for him,” the aide said. “He pulled the TV out of the wall and hurled it across the room.”

According to diplomatic sources, the Saudis have reached out to Russia in the hopes of striking some sort of puppet-sharing agreement, but the enraged Russian President has refused to entertain such overtures.

“He’s my tiny puppet, and only I can make him dance,” Putin reportedly snapped.

Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.