Monday, May 29, 2006

In order to stay out of the oppressive heat today, I had the family over for a cookout and we ate indoors. I'm still full. There were hamburgers, hot dogs, and Polish sausage thanks to my brothers and their stellar abilities with a gas grill. There was cheese dip with chips, uh huh, and some very dry homemade macaroni 'n cheese. Dry, because I baked it and didn't use enough cheese sauce, but live and learn. There was apple cobbler thanks to Mom. And, there was...get this...homemade ice cream, thanks to Dawn. Oh, with chocolate and caramel toppings.Did I mention there was chocolate sauce for the ice cream?We had the best time playing with Tia, the little darling Chihuahua Emily and family are dogsitting for a week.

Hope you guys all had a great holiday weekend! I absolutely must go now. Yes, there's cobbler in the kitchen and it really needs to be eaten. Right now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

My brother, Don, had to have some medical tests run yesterday, during which time he was going to be anesthetized, so he needed me to be with him in order to take him home afterwards. (Everything was negative, which is good, and he’s going to be fine.) I adore both of my brothers and think they are hilarious, but I wasn’t prepared for just how hilarious Don could be while coming out of the anesthesia.

When I walked into his curtained-off section of recovery, he was lying on his side, and immediately arose when he saw me and asked, “Are we in heaven? Where are my glasses? If I need glasses, then this must not be heaven!!! ERGO, this MUST be HELL!!!” He was all crazy. I could hardly keep from falling on the floor from laughing. The nurse was laughing, too, and told me she hears some amazing things come out of the mouths of the most prim and proper people after they’ve been sedated. “It sure makes this job a lot of fun sometimes,” she said. She was a doll and took very good care of Don, which wasn’t easy.

For his next act, Don removed the heart monitor attached to his finger and started making it talk. I kept trying to tell him to put it back on his finger, but he was too busy with his One-Man Show, and so the monitor started beeping, which brought in the nurse, who gently asked him to keep the thing on his finger. As soon as she left, he started up again. Out of what little respect remains for my brother, I won’t tell you what the little finger-clip-turned-puppet said, but it was quite disgusting and I was crying from laughter.

When he seemed a little more coherent, the nurse asked him if he’d like some water. He looked at her and said, “you know what would really hit the spot? Some CREEEEAM SODA!!!” I don’t think he’s ever drunk cream soda in his life. When he realized he wasn’t getting any cream soda, he said he’d take some coffee. He got his coffee and marveled about how absolutely delicious it was and asked the nurse what brand it was. He had us in stitches, that boy.

I decided he was okay, so I went across the hall to the bathroom and when I returned, he was sitting up, slumped over and asleep, and his coffee was dripping out of the cup all over his blanket. I caught it in time to prevent it burning him, and when he felt me removing the cup from his hands he awoke and looked at the blanket and started laughing. “It’s not the drugs, Ness. I do this at home, too!!!” he said, “I’m-ready-to-go-home-want-to-go-get-some-lunch-I-have-a-bunch-of-movies-we-can-watch-what-time-is-it-that-was-a-piece-of-cake-lets-get-some-cream-soda-on-the-way-home!”

After sixty minutes of this, he was declared ready to go home and started putting on his shoes, all the while singing “It’s hard out here for a pimp!” Terrence Howard has nothing on my brother.

We made it back to his house and he was puttering around, making coffee, telling me he felt pretty normal, and he stopped and said, “Oh, I forgot! I had this great line I’ve always wanted to use when coming out of anesthesia and I forgot! It’s: ‘Is this heaven? If it is, then why do I need glasses?’ ” “You did say that, Bro,” I said. “Ooh, what else did I say?” he asked, rather sheepishly. “Oh, nothing,” I replied. I’m saving it for the family picnic.

Friday, May 19, 2006

My brother, Don, and I have been e-mailing each other all day. What could have been accomplished in twenty minutes over the phone takes all day via e-mail, but that's the way we like to do things. So, during this e-mail session we determined that he might have a staple gun that I could borrow to recover some dining room chair seats, after I find some fabric I like, and also that we want to have Mexican food together tonight at a place which neither of us can recall the name. We know it's on the busiest street in town, and it's next to the empty building that used to be a Lowe's, so we're meeting there tonight in hopes that it's still a Mexican restaurant. If it isn't, I hope it's at least some sort of place that serves food, because I really don't want to try to decide on another location. This one took all day to determine.

*****

What I've been reading lately:

Finished the Harry Potter series. Emily kept telling me how great the series were and I loved the movies, so I read them and she was right. They are great. I kept imagining I was twelve while reading them and it made the reading a lot more fun. I'm also amazed at Rowling's imagination and use of Celtic mythology. There's going to be one more novel in the series and I can't wait to read it.

Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking - best nonfiction I've read in a while.

Elizabeth Dewberry's His Lovely Wife - made me very sad because of the references to Princess Diana, but otherwise not really a good novel. I was very curious to read it, and my curiousity is satisfied. I think the best one-word description for it would be "cheesy."

Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude - Zzzzzzzzzz, I know, I have a master's degree in literature so I'm supposed to realize how great this novel is. Sorry, but I only made it through about a third of it and couldn't take it.

Stephen J. Carter's The Emperor of Ocean Park - my current read and I'm enjoying it. Should finish this weekend.

Up next: Freakanomics, then Wendy Wasserstien's novel of which I can't remember the name. It has a hot-pink cover and I think, oh, wait, it's The Elements of Style I think. After that, it's Faulkner's Light in August - maybe.

Anyone have any more recommendations? (As if I don't have at least twenty books piled on my nightstand already.)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

If you ever call me at night, after I've been home for more than thirty minutes, and you want me to go someplace with you, the first question you need to ask is, "Do you still have on your bra?" Once that baby's in the clothes hamper, I'm not sticking my big toe out of the front door.

I have this really good idea for a short story and I've been outlining it for several days. I got the idea from watching a "South Park" episode. It's about a road trip, so in order to write it, I need an Atlas, and I can't find mine, which means I need to go to the store and get a new one, but, alas, the bra is no longer on, so it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

*****

Last week, when I had dinner with my fabulously funny cousins, we were drinking margaritas and talking about drinking. We all said that we loved gin and tonics, but we wanted our martinis made with vodka. And we liked them very dry. I said I had gotten lazy and usually just drank the vodka straight, since it was easier than pretending to add vermouth to the mix. Then Janet said, "just waive the vermouth fumes over the glass and it's dry enough for me." We all laughed at that one. THEN Lisa said, "just bring the bottle [of vermouth] in the room, and that'll be good enough for me." I adore my cousins.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Guess which second-grader is my nephew? That's right, Reece, er, Abe Lincoln performed in a school program last night. He was so cute I wanted to put him between two slices of bread and just eat him up. (He loves it when I say that.)

Emily's playing in a softball tournament this weekend and the weather is perfect. It's actually cold at night, but during the day it's cool and humidity-free, so I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow outdoors!

Now, I must go pick up my Avon order at Auntie Linda's. I've started buying from her Avon woman since the one I was using at work is an idiot, and it's totally worth it to drive over to Linda's to pick up my order and not have to deal with the girl who's as dumb as a box of hair.

I was talking to Emily earlier today and she said, "If you don't want to blog anymore, just say so." I told her that, from now on, I am only going to blog when I have something interesting to say. Well, that didn't exactly work, now, did it? (Except for the part about Reece. He's always interesting!)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Before I tell this story, you need to know a little about my hometown, where, minus a time away for college years ago, I’ve lived for forty-three years. You’ll ask yourself why after I tell you more.

I live in a “dry county.” What is that, you ask? It is a dreary, boring place where you cannot buy a bottle of wine around the corner, nor can you pick up a six-pack at the local Kroger. If you want hooch you must drive to the County Line, or “The Line,” as we say here in these parts.

There are ways around this, however, with the loophole called the Private Club. Private Clubs include a couple of country clubs and an Elk’s Lodge and up until a few years ago, a couple of really seedy joints north of town. Recently, however, we’ve been blessed to have five or six new places open that feel more like restaurants and less like clubs. These are actually places where normal folks want to go have a nice dinner and a glass of wine. You can even take the kids along!

Julio’s is one of these places, which is on Main Street, right across from an over-priced Italian restaurant that recently acquired its liquor license, too. In order to eat in such places, you must buy a membership, because they are still considered “Private Clubs.” There’s the loophole, I guess.

I went to Julio’s Monday night. My cousin, Luann, was in town from Austin, so she and her two fabulous sisters, Auntie Linda, my mom, and I met for dinner. When my mom and I walked in, the hostess told us the membership was $5.00. She said, “If you’re married, it’s just five dollars for both of you.” “What if you’re NOT married?” I asked. She said, “then it’s five dollars just for you.” “That’s discrimination,” I complained. She just looked at me. My mom gave a little nervous laugh, which she does when I have embarrassed her. But really, isn’t that unfair? Shouldn’t I have to only pay $2.50, since I’m a single person?

Just another thing that gripes me about the attitude towards single people.

Friday, May 05, 2006

"During the first three months of the year, Bush has been the punch line of 307 monologue jokes by Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, according to the Center for Media and Public affairs, which studies this sort of thing.

That compares to 197 jokes during the same period last year. For all of 2005, the center's statisticians counted 544 Bush jokes."

First of all, who cares? Secondly, I would LOVE to have that job! Imagine getting paid to watch Dave, Jay, and Conan! Gah, I definitely studied the wrong subject in college.

Further into the article is one of the jokes that made me laugh:

"Did you know former President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time?" Leno said. "That was Garfield. When President Bush heard about it, he said, `We had a talking cat for president?'"

What's everyone doing this weekend? I'm having breakfast tomorrow with my brother, Don, and then I'm going to clean house and look for grad assistantships at the schools I'm considering, which will take most of a day to do, and then I'm going to get some reading done. I'll post the latest books I've read later. Abby and I are going to go walking at the park, too, unless it's raining. I'm skipping Emily's softball tournament. Bad Auntie. Did I tell you guys that the University of Oklahoma sent me an acceptance, too? Now I have three schools to consider and more chances of finding a job!