Kaesae, it may seem simple to ignore the critical words, but when they've gone towards creating a distorted mirror of how you see yourself, then it's difficult challenge that reflection. If it's an 'uglifying' mirror you've been given in which to see yourself, for example, you see an ugly person. Trying to make the mirror into a true and undistorted reflection of who you 'really' are, can be difficult to achieve and sometimes even once you've achieved it, the mirror can go through warped phases.

I understand it on an intellectual level, but wrestle with putting it into practice at that gut level when the guard is down.
Edit: trying to redress the balance for my own kids is what often keeps me going, I just hope I don't let them down.

When I was ill just over a year ago I decided to have a good ratch through some specific mental health forums. If you dig deep enough in there you will find someone who has gone through pretty much exactly what you're going through and emerged unscathed at the other side. Finding that information for me was a great relief. You realise that you're not completely off your head.

I am another who appears confident and smiley on the outside. For years it was put on, now it is real.

The part of my therapy that made the biggest difference was being forced to ask the question "what would happen if you lost it?". Realising that the outcome would probably be quite funny is nice.

Another shout-out for the person-centred approach, although a good therapist will pivot between varying 'methods' of counselling as and when various issues arise.

I'd also add that your closest friends aren't necessarily the best people to help with deep-seated issues and other pathologies simply because they have already formed an opinion of you etc which can ultimately cloud their repsonse/judgement.

One last thing - never be afraid to admit and severe a client/therapist relationship that doesn't feel 'right'. It's not unheard of for folk to not get along together regardless of relationship. Move on if it goes nowhere. A little ditty I like:-
Therapy fails when the mirror that is the therapist turns opaque.

Jojo I feel for you, and I know where you're coming from to some extent. Being there for my kids has helped me through, and believe me there are many other people with the same problems whatever their outward situation may seem. Being confident can be 99% bullshit and 1% confidence, but that doesn't work when you're talking to yourself.

Jo, I don't know you in the slightest (and I could be very wrong about this ) but IIRC you work/have worked in social care - the kind of role where it becomes dangerously easy to be perfectionist about your job, without looking after your own needs. I know plenty of people who can't help beating themselves up with their own high standards (not least in terms of what they want for others) - and that includes some of the most capable and critically-aware people I've ever met.

Try and go easy on yourself - and remember that you are not alone. Everybody has moments when they feel like they are falling through a hole in the floor.

If you click on your user name top right, and then click forum activity, you'll see a list topics that you've replied on and started. You'll be able to link back to this thread and also see when other people have replied. All the best.

There appears to be both a Penelope Pufflebottom and a Grumpus von Pufflebottom on facebook druid - is there something you would like to tell us?

But please don't think your pals are immune to this nor that they wouldn't have time for you.

This x 1000. It doesn't mean that they would be able to provide wise advice BUT they would be able to point out the good stuff about yourself that the folks on here that know you already have, stuff that is easy to forget when you are feeling low

jojoA1, you probably know this already, but in case you don't, depression/anxiety/low self esteem is way more common than you may think. Everyone who suffers in some way thinks they're on their own, and that nobody else would understand, but quite frankly the opposite is true... There are WAY too many of us suffering in silence, and often just sharing the problem with someone else is half the work done.

Whatever it is that stops you from believing in yourself, you need to find it, and begin to face the demons in order to move on. Too many people spend their entire lives masking the problem by just continuing to take meds without ever facing up to anything. This suits some people, but I'm a definite believer in fixing problems rather than just masking them.

I've found the best way to get your self esteem back is to get out there and try a few new experiences, make some new friends, and keep yourself busy. Once you're having fun and people appreciate you for being you, you'll suddenly forget all about why you had low self esteem or were depressed in the first place!

"I go through the motions of what I think of as being 'normal' but underneath I assume that I will be left by myself because people will always find someone better to be friends with or have a relationship with. This mindset seems to sabotage things and pushes people away, when what I want is the exact opposite"

Ive always been like this. Can i join the club? Where do i sign?!

When i opened this thread i never expected you to have started it. Like others have said, you appear confident. If theres stuff lurking.. you hide it well. I dont really know you at all but I get the impression you are reasonably happy with a lot of confidence.. So much of it that it makes me feel even more unconfident! If that at all is possible.

<drinking some boozey type stuff that i shouldnt be drinking.. i have 15 mins to edit this but knowing me i probably wont ;o) Forgive me. If you cant,at least warn me in time of possible finger chopping with cable cutters at the puffer.

There has been a few moments when i have thought that inside you might lack confidence. It brushed by me and with the apparent confidence that you show.. i forgot about it. It may have been questions or some kind of question that was asked for reassurance on something. I cant put my finger on it. At first you come across as a bit shy but soon open up but theres been a few indications that made me stop and think. Like you say, a lack of esteem? I am not quite sure. Maybe i`m describing what is in my head the wrong way. I am probably the last person on earth to evaluate any of this and god knows why i am trying. Tis late.

Moving on. Seriously,theres not even a handful of bikers that inspire me. It turns out that a few do, and it turns out they are the ones i know in person. Not the folk i see online or magazines. You are one of the first that springs to mind. So many folk you know now expect you to podium at the events you choose and when another podium pic appears or names high up in the results get spotted when having a gander to see how everyone placed.. its no surprise these days. We now expect the podium and the champagne,or the quarterly frameset!

So many folk dream of doing this well at the races.They never will. Some might fluke the odd win or podium but they wont be nailing it this often. No flukes,this is you at the top of your game. Its amazing that you can find the time to organise it all with work,looking after the kids,finding the time (and energy) to ride and train to be able to place so highly so often. Its this that inspires me. When you posted about the Inners Enduro I had thought about that race format since it appeared but probably would never have given entering a second thought without the inspiration and mention of it in the first place.Having not raced since 2005-ish it was good to do a race again. Even if it did turn out to be a bit more than a leisurely xc race like i had guessed. Its all your fault. Thank you!

My heads pretty minced as it is (just look at the time i posted this and it might give a wee insight) but if things dont go to plan at the race spannerwise or something falls through leading up to it,the last thing i would want to see is you stressing out and not doing your best because of it. You have done a lot of work and weaved around things to be able to not only train for this race,get the right head on to enter it(solo!)but possibly win it.

It wont be 24hours but let me know and i can see whats possible later on sat eve/sun morning. I might fall asleep and if i chop my own fingers off i wont be able to point the blame.. so no worries! :O)

Hi Jojo - we met once or twice but probably know more about you than actually know you. Anyway I'm gobsmacked - you hide it well. Very brave of you to put it on here. I'll be your friend you can show me 'stuff' but don't kill me . When you are next down this way give me a shout (Seriously)

I can totally relate to your mindset jojo and hope things get better for you soon,The first step is a realisation your having difficulties with your health and that its really up to you, and the support of your friends and family to bring you through it.

There's some brilliant people on here that are far better qualified to advise you, than me, but i like the following quote.

"Never look at the top of a mountain and think it looks a long way off,spread your journey into camps at each one,and stop a while to take in the view"

Hi jojo, I have suffered with depression for years and I'm on medication for it , I still have bad days especially in the winter , talk to your friends about it , if they are real friends they will be glad to help you I know I would , also go back to your doctor too see if there's anything else he can suggest trying, had a few appointments with mine before he prescribed anything, the good days far outweight the bad now, I know my problem is not the same as yours but talking always helps with a friend you can trust.

Hey jojo, as someone else said you're not alone and I think your post shows great courage. I've been to hell and back over the last 4 years, have had counseling and just about survived. I still have wobbly days and my life could be a lot better but in the end you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and step up for another round. My email is in my profile and if you ever need to talk mail me and we can swop tel numbers and I'll do my best to be there for you.
Cheers
David

Like many people I tread that line between normal self-doubt and pathological anxiety. There's a an exercise I have done which I found in a book called 'Flourish' by Marty Seligman. It's to write down three nice things that happened to you at the end of every day. There's something about the process of writing out that's grounding and the words stay there on the page to remind you. It's just a little thing to do but oddly comforting.

I really hate self-help books in general but Flourish is more about the study of how people gain mental resilience rather than the things that break you. It's interesting. Obviously I forget to do the writing down thing until I feel a bit wobbly but that's my problem

The other thing I learned is that anxiety and negativity feed themselves physiologically - I don't know you but you're obviously an athlete. You're probably a fine balance between adrenaline and cortisol (a bit is good for being excited, getting you moving etc but long term elevated levels is the stuff of clinical anxiety and depression) and lots of athlete's endorphins which help your mood. If you get out of balance (the endorphins aren't canceling out the effects of adrenaline/cortisol) it can get to feel pretty scary - the negative voices all start shouting and then you feel more wobbly and so on in a nasty self-reinforcing cycle.

On the up side, it gives you a second way of helping yourself. You can tackle the physical stuff as well as negative thought processes to help break the cycle. (I went on an anxiety management course prescribed by my GP and was surprised at how much I learned).

Hope this is helpful - and that you've got enough ammo from the list to give the bits of yourself giving you grief a good talking to

Hi Jo, I've just seen this thread. How are you doing today? I hope you're feeling better, even if it's just a little bit

I think you're well aware that I suffer from depression, and that I had CBT treatment some years ago. That was great for getting me out of the hole I was in at the time, and is a useful technique for survival. But surviving isn't the same as living, is it? More recently I've had some person-centred therapy, but only briefly and barely scratched the surface of my real problems. Certainly it's very clear that low self-esteem is the biggest issue. And, like you, this boils down to how I was raised: critical and distant parents. Not helped by being a posh, skinny, ginger, speccy-four-eyed swot I also grew up on my own, living far from friends and so I have very few friends (or people I would trust enough to call a friend) in my life. Opening up is not easy and I know how hard it must feel for you.

I wish I had answers to how you can improve your confidence. To me, there seems a vast mental leap connecting the many positive things that people say about you and what you actually believe about yourself. I really hope you find answers, and I'm sure you will!

If you need another mentalist person to email, feel free to drop me a line (see my profile)

I feel the same way, and I am quite young. I often feel 'why me' why be friends/in a relationship with me I am nothing special... So don't trust people when they are friends with me, or say they love me. But the single thought of nobody is perfect and everyone has issues, keeps me up. And trust me everyone has problems, just some are better at hidding theirs than others. When it comes to talking about problems - other peoples problems make you feel better about your own. Fact. Oh and people love to give advice, I know I do also people find it hard to talk about their problems sometimes because they think people around them are perfect and will judge them for being a failure/different/having issues. This is not true, tell your friends about your problems and you will find they will start telling you about theirs too. And soon you realise that life ain't perfect, we all have issues, but because we are all in this together we will be ok