Love yourself

We are born loving ourselves. What happens over the course of years is startling and scary when we no longer do…

You fat f#ck!”

Make yourself look better.”

I’m shocked by what I read in my husband’s calendar. He is six-pack lean and incredibly good looking and well-dressed. He also comes across the same — self-assured and confident… many would argue cocky and arrogant.

I met my husband in 2010. I knew when I met him that I was supposed to meet him. There was a soul recognition, but I was committed to another so I brushed him aside. The Universe brought us together sporadically over the years more as reminder than anything else. Eventually when we came together in 2014, the timing seemed perfect. We just fell into place.

About six months later, the first “dark” episode ensued. I panicked. Knowing he had melanoma and was about to start chemo, I worried the cancer had metastasized to his brain.

Yes, it may have. Or, it may have been a result of the concussions he sustained as a young rambunctious athlete. Or…more likely, it is a mental illness that is becoming progressively worse. No matter what “it” is, eventually, I came to understand that my husband’s disordered behavior was beyond me… and I was trying to fill an impossible gap — that gap when someone does not love himself.

God, you’re so beautiful.”

Baby, you’re safe. I would never hurt you.”

There are aspects to my husband that few see. His vulnerable side. His softness. His bear heart. I’ve never known a man as gentle, romantic, caring, passionate, and sincere as my Michael… and, I’ve also never known a man this scary. These two demeanors seem so incompatible that it makes it easier to allow it. When he’s Michael, he’s my husband and the most amazing man on the planet. When he’s dark, I am petrified and pissed off that he’s in my life. His words are toxic and he’ll unleash them toward me in front of my daughter…my clients…my professional and personal world. It’s embarrassing, it’s limiting, it’s inexcusable, it’s abusive. And, yet, I have stayed committed because I see his light and I have hope. My hope is dwindling, though, because treatment is avoided and my daughter is on the line. I can only point him out a way and hope he follows the light.

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person, we’re safe in our own paradise.” ~ Richard Bach

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Comments

I understand, mentally where you are. I’m sorry because you understand the “darkness” without treatment just comes closer and gets darker each time. Your head is on right, and your heart knows right and you know Desi is the most amazing gift from God and needs to have protection from who she trusts most. I’m glad that you know it and as saddened as I am for you I am proud that your mother wings protect her and keep her safe. We don’t know until our kids are much older how what they saw or heard effects their psychi – their inner core and when you do it’s the worst feeling that you thought you protected them however what comes out now shows I did not do my job fast enough. Prayers for you and your beautiful child, that you can keep her from the emotional damage being done and you can bring her up stein and safe. I’m praying for you. And that you’re both able to stay safe. ❤️ To you both. A love that comes deep from inside God know and God will keep you safe.