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Journal entry, 26 Thermidor 225 (Special Pre-Eclipse Entry): Justice Minotaur ruled on an unusual case this week in which two men sued each other under the Statute on Personal Name Conventions. Under the statute, “A man may bring criminal suit against another (and this applies to those of other genders other than the gender of ‘man’) for having a name that is misleading, wrongful, odd, or imbecilic. Any man convicted under this statute shall change his name or serve five years laying railroad track. If any two men shall sue one another under this statute in the same case, then one–and only one–must be convicted, even though both may have the most heavenly name or the most idiotic ever known in the records of man.”

The man who brought the claim was named Sweet Jackie Mango. He sued Frank Hematuria under the statute, who countersued Mango. Justice Minotaur ruled to convict Mango, on the grounds that his name “sounded like a medical condition.” When asked after the case by the bailiff to elaborate on what he meant, Minotaur stated, “I don’t know–it sounds kind of like if you ate too much mango and your insides got all jacked up.”

If anyone needs to chamois anything off, please do so in the chamois area.

Journal entry, day not entirely clear (Mr. Cornwall accidentally drank quart of thick white cough syrup thinking it was milk): Justice Korbin Minotaur was asked earlier this week to speak to a group of local high school seniors today on the subject of career planning. These were students at Last Chance or Jail High School, which is run out of the basement of a Taco Time in the unincorporated village of Savings & Loan, New Salem. The mascot of this high school is a prediabetic ewerer eating a bowl of Bananas Foster.

According to several reports in the evening news, Minotaur informed the students that certain career options might “already be foreclosed” to them because of their names. In substance his instruction was as follows:

You are probably not going to be able to be a doctor in certain fields if you have a certain name. For example, if your name is Dred Serpent, you are probably not going to be real successful as a pediatrician. Maybe try emergency medicine, where the patients don’t have much choice in who treats them.

Let’s say you are trying out to be a night watchman, but your name is Brian Sleepington, or maybe let’s say it’s R. Constitution Sleepington. Such a surname is going to be a huge blow against you.

I had a friend named B. M. Hands when I was in the merchant marine. When he announced that he wanted to open his own butcher shop, it was like the first act of a Greek tragedy. We knew it would never go well. Today he mow lawns for the government.

Let’s say you were going to hire a wedding photographer. Would you want to hire one named Blurry Weteye? No, you wouldn’t. Anyone here named Blurry and/or Weteye? A couple of you. Well, rule out any sort of photography. Maybe look into being a fuller.

I once walked into a restaurant. I saw the hostess was named Elizabeth Tudor Ice-Heart St. Germain. This was no turnoff, since hostesses are supposed to be stuck up. The greater the disdain they evince toward us, the more we spend.

Are there any of you who want to get into dry cleaning? Wow, a sea of hands. I feel most of you are being too ambitious. After all, bear in mind you are going to school in the dank basement of a taco place. Here are some names that would be good if you are going that direction: French Groom, Trixie Cleane, Montana A. Quick. And here are some names that are basically going to disqualify you: Jack Missingbutton, Crimson Holes, Dress B. Shrunken.

Now, lastly and finally, my struggling friends, there are a few names that will open doors for you into basically any profession. One of these is my own name, Korbin Minotaur (TM). But don’t get your hopes up. It’s already taken. But some other names that will work fairly well in most situations include Salad Turlington, Appomattox Courthouse Blues, Gus Chitman, Cherry Barv, and Help Yocker.

[Click here for a map to an emergency eyewash within 30 miles of your location.]

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