A number of things immediately stuck out to me when I sat down to watch Kevin James's new stand-up special, which debuted on Netflix today. First, I couldn't find it. There was no new stand-up special dated 2018 listed when I searched his name on Netflix. After double checking the title, I realized that Netflix had dated Kevin James: Never Don't Give Up with 2017 rather than 2018.

Netflix

The second thing was the description of this title, which reads "He may be a big star, but he's still a down-to-earth guy and a normal dad. Just don't tell him you're lactose intolerant." Hmmm. Okay, Kev, that seems mildly threatening. Is everything okay? What do you have against the lactose intolerant?

Well, it only took about 10 minutes into his new stand-up special to learn the answer. Kevin James fucking hates people who are unable to fully digest the sugar in milk.

"Quick announcement to the lactose intolerant community," James begins early into his special. "If I offer you ice cream and you can't have any, just say no thank you. That's it. There is no joke. That's just something I'm trying to get out there. I'm trying to silence the lactose intolerant."

Wow. Holy shit. That's intense, my dude. You sound like you're leading some sort of cleansing of people who can't eat dairy.

Then James continues:

I don't need to know the havoc dairy is going to wreak on your bowels right before I'm about to dig into my Rocky Road. Are we clear? You didn't win an award. Why do you have to work it into every conversation? You're at a buffet and you can feel them ready to bring it up. "That looks yummy but I probably can't have it, you want to know why?"

Hmmm. Okay, I mean, if it's a legitimate excuse, it's a legitimate excuse. It's not like they're making it up. Are you some sort of lactose intolerance truther? This is the same kind of tired joke construction people use for vegans. It seems odd to repackage it about an affliction that people don't have control over.

Then, he gets into some really sketchy pseudoscience that he shakily connects with the decline of masculinity in America:

Lactose intolerant. It didn't exist 30 years ago. Actually it did. It's called a tummy ache. Toughen up, America. If you're a man and you're lactose intolerant, why would you ever bring it up to another man? Can you imagine Spartacus in the arena after twisting a tiger's neck? Then he's like "What's that coffee with half and half I can't have that I get booboo belly." Where are the men? Where have they gone?

Well, lemme milk-splain to you for a second, James. Humans actually developed the ability to process lactose over a process of 20,000 years. Thousands of years ago, humans who even ate cheese "lacked a genetic mutation that would have allowed them to digest raw milk's dominant sugar, lactose, after childhood." In fact, many "East Asians and Native Americans, up to 90 percent in some ethnic groups, become lactose-intolerant after the early childhood years as their genes direct a slowdown in the production of lactase." This is because these cultures don't rely on eating a pound of cheddar cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Anyway, it's not even just people who are lactose intolerant that James can't stand, it's basically anyone who can't shove any type of food in their mouth with zero regard for health concerns.

"There's not a more annoying group on the planet. Check that. A gluten douche. My apologies the gluten douche trumps the lactose intolerant," James says before adding people with nut allergies to the list.

Then, after a 10-minute tirade against anyone with a food allergy, he confesses: "I'm very very blessed because I don't have food allergies. I know some of them are tough, but I can go to any restaurant I want."

Yes, not everyone is blessed with Kevin James's unique ability to eat anything and everything whenever he wants and keep his manly, perfect, white American body.

But considering James's intolerance of anyone who is intolerant to any type of food, is it possible this connects to recent changes on his hit sitcom Kevin Can Wait? I've been following the disappearance of beloved Kevin Can Wait character Donna Gable (Erinn Hayes) who mysteriously vanished between Season One and Season Two. Is it possible that Hayes fell into one of these groups with a food allergy? Was she lactose intolerant? Or, even worse, did she have such a severe nut allergy that no nuts were allowed on the set? This clearly would be something that would enrage Kevin James, who does not like to tailor his diet to other people's needs.

Meanwhile, King of Queens star Leah Remini, with whom Kevin worked with for many years, must have the most reliable digestive system of any co-star he's worked with. This is something to think about as the subversive murder-mystery sitcom Kevin Can Wait returns next week.

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