Sunday, November 04, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... Hollywood writers may go on strike...That means finally, this may be some of the funniest stuff you can find...

The Atlanta Airport wants to change to short flushes in its restrooms because of the drought. To which Senator Larry Craig asked, "Why would you need to flush in an airport restroom?"

The first chimpanzee to learn sign language has died. Washoe was 42. Before dying, she signed "Why did you give me such a stupid name?"

Lance Bass of 'N Sync says he was once briefly married in Las Vegas to a girlfriend, even though he is gay. He says it lasted about "five minutes". Even Britney Spears criticized him, saying you have to give a 'Vegas marriage at least two days before giving up.

Former Yankee Manager Joe Torre has signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. He considered the Yankee offer with performance incentives "an insult". In Los Angeles they will be happy if he sticks around past the sixth inning.

"Performance incentives" in a Dodgers contract have a legal definition. They are called "words".

The town of Orme, Tennessee is nearly out of water because of drought. Residents have access to water only three hours a day. The situation is under control, but town leaders say it could have gotten really bad if they needed water for daily chores, like brushing teeth.

NASA has developed a gadget that may end headaches caused by drinking red wine. Apparently now that they have that problem solved, they can work on those Space Shuttle problems that keeps blowing up our astronauts.

Now all they need to do is come up with an astronaut diaper that can last all the way from Houston to Florida.

NASA has come up with a device that cures wine hangovers. This should put to rest the rumors of astronauts being drunk on flights.

Court records show that Britney Spears makes more than $700,000 a month, and spends it all. She does give $500 a month to charity. And that doesn't even include Kevin Federline's spousal support.

Britney Spears spends $16,000 a month on her wardrobe. You would think she could take a few dollars out of that amount and buy some underwear.

Kevin Federline spends $6,000 a month on security. Otherwise known as paying some guys to hang out with him.

A survey says the number one annoyance at work is office gossip. Next is loud noise in the office. Third is people wasting time by taking meaningless office surveys.

A judge has agreed to toss much of the evidence against stalker astronaut Lisa Nowak. It wasn't based on a legal ruling. It's just that all those used diapers were really beginning to smell.

A study in Australia says that smoking doesn't help people lose weight. Especially when what's being smoked is beef and pork.

A study in Australia says that smoking doesn't help people lose weight. Apparently the study evolved around golfer John Daly.

Two pilots on a commercial flight from Baltimore to Denver fell asleep and were awakened by frantic calls from the tower. Fortunately, the pilots woke up thinking they were missing last call.

A Virginia judge has been removed from the bench for deciding a case with a coin toss. How else can you determine custody between Britney and Kevin Federline?

A Virginia judge was removed from the bench after deciding a case with a coin toss. Apparently he use the legal precedence of the Supreme Court in the 2000 Florida election.

The judge cited precedence of a coin toss from his days in law school. The coin toss was used in many conflicts, like Michigan vs. USC, Notre Dame vs. Penn State and Arizona State vs. Nebraska.

A study shows that 80% of hospital bills contain errors. For one thing, they assume someone without insurance has a prayer of being able to pay it off.

80% of all hospital bills contain errors. The other 20% no one scrutinizes because the patient died.

80% of all hospital bills contain errors. The other 20% just say "How much have you got?"

A study says that one in three Americans has trouble understanding their health insurance benefits. The other two are asking "What is health insurance?"

One out of three Americans doesn't understand their health insurance benefits. What's to understand? You turn in a claim, and the insurance company denies payment.

Doctors are testing the possibility of using hot sauce for pain relief in surgery. You know you are in a bad HMO when the anesthesiologist shows up in a Taco Bell uniform.

Film and TV writers are set to strike this week. Apparently the negotiations center around the bargaining agent who is tied up and needs to break free to get to the offer which is in a canister that will explode unless the combination can be solved from an ancient riddle.

A study says that more foreign born women are working in U.S. homes. There could be as many as a million undocumented maids. No wonder congress won't tough the immigration problem. They are all living with the fear of having to sleep in an unmade bed.

Daylight Saving Time has ended, clocks are all back on Standard Time. Which means all sub prime mortgage holders got to enjoy their being called a homeowner for one extra hour before foreclosure this week.

New York Mayor Micheal Bloomberg is proposing a greenhouse gas tax. It will cost companies $15 for every ton of gas emitted. Fortunately, the subway system is safe as urine stench has not been classified as a greenhouse gas.

The UAW has reached a tentative agreement with Ford. The contract is tentative because no one has an idea if Ford will even be around in six months.

Senator John McCain says his rivals are not qualified to deal with torture because they haven't been in the military. His opponents say McCain isn't as qualified as they are because while he was a prisoner of war, he didn't have to deal with the media at all.

John McCain says his opponents aren't qualified to be President because they haven't served in the military. His opponents point out the White House has been occupied by draft evaders since 1992.

Democratic Presidential candidates are criticizing Hillary Clinton for not allowing her White House communications with Bill Clinton to be made public. Hillary says anyone knows that while Bill Clinton was in the White House they had no communication.

The Federal Government is being accused of overcharging passport applicants more than $100 million in recent years. That's the problem with our immigration policy. It costs too much to leave the country, and nothing to get in.

October ended as the first month in nearly three years without an execution in the U.S. Unless you count the World Series.

Nearly two million low income Medicare participants could be switched to a new insurance plan this year. It's a "no fault" plan. If you have no insurance, it's your own fault for not being wealthy.

Karen Hughes is resigning her position as head of public diplomacy for the Middle East. Apparently holding that title now qualifies her for a position of equal diligence, like investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball.

The position of head of public diplomacy in the Middle East will now be held by the guy who opens the bomb hatch in a B-52.

Two U.S. think tanks say climate change is one of the greatest challenges ever facing the country. They say the sooner we address it, the sooner Al Gore goes away.

Time Magazine has given their Invention of the Year award to the iPhone. They are saying only pure genius could get someone to pay $600 for a product that depends on service from AT&T.

Britney Spears' old manager is suing her for $15,000. Apparently that's what he is estimating half the royalties will amount to from her latest CD.

A study says that two thirds of the foreign pharmaceutical companies that provide drugs to the U.S. have never been visited by FDA inspectors. That means the Viagra that puts the lead in your pencil may be doing it with real lead.

A survey says that 62% of Americans believe that schools should give birth control to prevent teen pregnancies. Either that or put a fence around teachers' desks.

Scientists say after research they have a much better idea of what causes fear in people. To which the Bush Administration said "Tell us, so we can scare the country even more!"

A report says more young people are on drugs for cholesterol than ever before. It's getting really bad when they are making cholesterol drugs in chewable form.

A study says the time change affects pedestrian deaths. Three times as many pedestrians are killed right after Daylight Saving Time ends than before. Fortunately, this doesn't affect Los Angeles as their hasn't been a pedestrian sighting there in the past five years.

The Yangtze River in China is not as polluted as experts had expected. Of course, it didn't look so bad because it was compared to a Chinese made toy.

Former President Clinton is teaming up with Wal-Mart to stop global warming. He says communities need to buy environmentally friendly supplies in bulk. The same way he shops for girlfriends.

Scientists have decoded most of a Missouri cat's DNA. They discovered just two genes. One for sleeping, the other for ignoring humans.

Air pollution experts say that in one week, the Southern California fires put out as much carbon dioxide as power plants and automobiles combined. To which the Bush Administration said "See! We told you that trees were no good!"

Alex Rodriguez' agent wants the Yankees to pay $350 Million to keep him on the team. Hank Steinbrenner says the team would have to nearly double the price of stadium beer to raise that kind of money.

Steinbrenner says he would eat a Yankee Stadium hot dog before he would pay that kind of money to one player.

A prank at a California high school sickened 43 students. It was the largest number of students ever made ill outside the cafeteria.

Public school officials were stunned. There were 43 students in a high school at the same time?

Some school districts around the country are allowing students to attend parent-teacher conferences. Although teachers admit it is awkward meeting the parents of someone you are sleeping with.

The parent teacher conferences with students in attendance are a good opportunity to meet the parents. And in many cases, it's a good chance to meet the students.

High school libraries are starting to lure students by serving coffee. School officials don't know if it's working. Many students still keep asking "What's with all the books?"

One in ten high schools around the country are considered "dropout factories", where no more than 60% of the freshman class makes it to senior year. At least that's one kind of factory not being shut down in the U.S.

One in ten U.S. high schools are considered "dropout factories" where less than 60% of a freshman class makes it to senior class. The Bush Administration doesn't care, because at that point they are considered adults, so they don't count as Children who are Left Behind.

The Dallas Zoo is considering a plan to use animal waste to be converted to energy to power some of the zoo exhibits. Visitors are urged to use an umbrella when walking through the zoo's "rain forest".

A German TV Channel will be dedicated to showing funerals and mourning. Apparently it may be used as a cable outlet for NBC.

The station will give new meaning to the broadcast term "dead air".

Two eight year old twins have developed tearaway "wedgie proof" underwear. Apparently they got tired of their cries for help falling between the cracks.

An Irish judge rules that speeding doesn't sound as bad in miles per hour, so he reduced the fine of a driver caught going 180 kph because it translates to 112 mph. Next he wants to save energy by setting the courthouse thermostat using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit.

Just think how easy the judge would have been if it were explained the defendant was actually going only 97 knots per hour.

Hillary returned to her Alma Mater at Wellesley College for a speech. She says going to an all woman college prepared her on how to compete. She's still competing with all kinds of women when it comes to Bill.

The Iraq defector known as "Curveball" has been identified as a fraud who helped lead the U.S. into the war in Iraq by fooling the intelligence agencies. That means he could either be tried as a war criminal, or given the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker says diplomats who are trying to get out of being sent to work in Iraq are in the "wrong line of business". Apparently just like the intelligence agencies who helped start the war in the first place with bad information.

The World Toilet Summit is meeting in India. They are attempting to bring health and sanitation to the one third of the people in the world with no access to toilets. Mostly people who take the New York City subway every day.

One invention touted at the World Toilet Summit is a solar powered toilet. How ironic for a device that works where the sun don't shine.

The U.S. is not attending the World Toilet Summit. Although President Bush did send an envoy who is an expert in the field. Senator Larry Craig.

Chevron and ExxonMobil are reporting a drop in profits for the quarter. In other words, say hello to $4 a gallon gasoline.

Retailers are already discounting prices for the holiday shopping season. Apparently they are trying to attract people who are discounting the likelihood they will still have a job by Christmas.

The Gap Stores is being accused of using child laborers in India. Apparently "The Gap" refers to the difference in wages between American union workers and Indian children.

Ford sales dropped 12% from last October. The company averaged a billion dollars in losses each month last year. So by seeing less in the way of sales, the company is actually saving money.

Singapore Airlines, the first operator to fly the Airbus 380 is asking passengers in first class suites to not have sex during flights. Besides, after paying for a first class suite with double bed for a trans-Atlantic flight, the customers have already been screwed at the ticket window.

If any of the passengers want to be fondled and molested, they can just go through airport security.

Major League umpires want a say in whether instant replay is used in baseball games. Instant replay? And you thought games were too long now.

Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong has been seen dating Ashley Olsen. Apparently he likes the fact he can take her for a ride on his bike with no extra aerodynamic drag.

Jerry Seinfeld's new film "Bee Movie" debuted in second place. It's apparently a movie about Nut N' Honey.

Watergate investigative reporter Carl Bernstein says our "idiot culture" is the blame for political dysfunction in the U.S. He then announced his new book coming out entitled "Britney-Gate".

Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood says he may write a second book following his recently released autobiography. Apparently it would be a who-dun-it thriller about who killed Keith Richards.

A government report says parents have a more active role in raising their kids than they did a decade ago. It's nice to see people like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline still being old school.

The U.S. finished in 15th place in a survey about which countries have the best access to broadband. Apparently Americans have gotten so fat, the only places offering broadband are eating establishments like McDonald's and Starbucks.

Detroit reliever Joel Zumaya injured his shoulder moving items from a home in the way of the California wildfires. Ironically that could ruin his chances of being named baseball's Fireman of the Year.

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman says he will support baseball adopting an instant replay system. In fact he would like a chance to replay the teams' past four post season series.

Golfer Natalie Gulbis is working on changing her image to be less sexy. She wants to rely more on her golf to make money. That's like Britney Spears trying to switch to opera.

Natalie Gulbis wants to be less sexy. Apparently all that endorsement money coming in was just getting to be a nuisance.

Who is Natalie Gulbis' agent, the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am not partaking in the writers' strike. Instead, I will keep writing material for free, instead of my usual fee of nothing. However, there is no writers' strike for anyone reading this stuff, so feel free to write an e-mail and send the love!