True confession.

My mother was—there’s really no good way to say this and I hope none of my relatives are reading it—a terrible cook. It wasn’t her fault. She was a terrific baker, and her coffeecake was the stuff of all our carb dreams. But she came from a long tradition of Irish cooking. And let’s be clear: we’re not talking about the kind of cooking you find in Ireland today, the nouveau-posh-so-Irish-there’s-an-ethically-and-locally-sourced-organically-grown-ground-leprechaun-in-every-bite cafes with their beautiful handmade dishes and lots of plants.

No, she came from a solid tradition that looked with deep suspicion on foreign spices (anything that wasn’t salt or pepper). Eventually, and with great gourmet fanfare, she did introduce one ‘international’ dish to our dinner table—spagetti with meatballs, the sauce served already mixed up with the noodles.

My siblings and I later compared notes and agreed that while other people went to college and complained bitterly about the cafeteria, we were stunned by the goodness of dorm food. Cooked spinach wasn’t black? Fish didn’t come in little sticks with breading around them? Who knew?

This is all by way of explaining how, in my last post about castle life, I mentioned that I was such a total failure at scone making, and indeed most British/Scottish/Irish cooking. I know I’m cooking-impaired. I’ve watched the British Bakeoff and lusted after the perfect creations whipped up with their pastel Kitchenaids.

And that’s where you come in.

And no, Mary Smith: I do NOT want your favorite recipe for haggis pizza. Or haggis lasagna. I don’t care if you went out on a haggis-hunt and single-handedly tracked a wild haggis to its lair, skinned it, dragged it back to your aga, and cooked it into a haggis souffle. I don’t want to know about it. That is all.

Some people took pity on me and offered to send their recipes, which gave me the idea of begging.

Could you send me your most foolproof recipe for scones? Victoria sponge? Your favorite pudding? [note: this means dessert in American. Not that crap Mr. Cosby used to plug—when he wasn’t sexually assaulting drugged women—which in England is known as ‘baby food’.] Or how about those Irish dishes? Even (sucks in breath) Scottish ones? How about those Welsh cakes? Soda bread? Yorkshire Pudding? (It can’t always come frozen, right?)

You can send them to my email (barbtaub at gmail dot com) or post in comments below. I’d particularly love it if you took a picture of your recipe, especially if it’s on one of those mucked up smudged little recipe cards or in some out-of-print old cookbook.

So SO many stomachs depend on you! Please: for me, for the honor of our country, for your chance to show off your expertise, and mostly for that most noble of human sentiments—pity. And to toast your generosity, I’ll post each of your recipes so everyone can answer the call of the scone.

Please take pity on me. Help me before I scone again.

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You want a bit of weird English class info about names for things, too? ‘Pudding’ is middle and upper class. ‘Dessert’ is probably a bit ‘yoof’. ‘Afters’ is middle class-older-generation-jokey (ie, me, sometimes), as well as working class, whereas the lower middle class and working class call it ‘sweet’. (How many times have I winced in a restaurant when being asked if I would like a ‘sweet’?!)

That’s very interesting Terry. I see that ‘dessert’ is derived from the French for “to clear the table.” I think maybe it’s best to always carry a recipe in your pocket and ask for what you want: “I’ve been roaming in the desert, been bitten by a snake; here, take this recipe, clear the table, suck out the poison from the wound, and give me my just desert (dessert) or plain camel’s milk with honey and vanilla with cornstarch and nutmeg by Meg, stirred not shaken over a low flame by a chef with a starched collar and hat in a ring of fire. Never mind, can I see the menu and a doctor who can cook?”

An old Irish recipe handed down to me from my mother who got it from her mother who got it … well … you get the idea.

Ingredients:
One clear glass
One bottle opener
One bottle of Guinness Stout

Open bottle, pour slowly into glass (mindful of the head)
Fill to brim
Enjoy the sight of its dark richness
Imbibe until glass is empty
Repeat above until you start having warm feeling for your mother-in-law

You should try this at the coffee thing when it’s your turn to supply the “stuff.” I’m sure you and my old family recipe will be a huge hit.

Most of my recipes are German but here is a recipe for Welsh Tea Cakes I have found to work well. Let me know how they turn out should you try it.

Welsh Cream Tea Cakes from 250 Recipes by Elizabeth Craig
1 lb flour
1/2 teaspoonful salt
1/4 lb currants
Grated nutmeg
1 1/2 teaspoonfuls Borwich’s Baking Powder (I’m sure any baking powder will do)
1/4 lb butter
2 oz sugar
cream to mix
Sift flour, baking powder, and salt into a basin. Rub in butter, then mix in washed and dried currants, sugar, and a grated nutmeg to taste. Mix to a stiff batter with fresh cream, and roll out on a floured pastry boards. Cut into squares. Bake on a greased tin in a quick oven. (you might have to ask an English person what a quick oven is!)
Sometimes I make the mixture a little thinner and cook it in buttered muffin tins. Again, I fork out pieces of dough, and arrange them on the tin, like rock cakes, without rolling mixture.

Ohhhh! This looks so good. If I had the ingredients, I’d try it RIGHT NOW—but of course, I’m in Spain which is closed on Sundays. Well, that will just give me a chance to find someone who knows what a “quick oven” is. The one here is decidedly sedentary.

Hope this works for you when you get the ingredients. I assume the flour is regular flour. That self-raising stuff confuses the hell out of me. Where I live in Spain the grocery stores are open until 2 pm on Sunday. Where in Spain are you?

And that reminds me… which kind of flour in Spain constitutes “regular” flour? Our little local shop actually has several varieties. I opted for “repostería” because it has a picture of a tart on the front…

You can probably hear me moaning from here, this looks so good. By a completely bizarre set of circumstances, I actually have every ingredient on hand except vinegar. Unfortunately, I’m in Spain which is closed on Sundays. So (don’t hate me) I’m going to give it a shot with Better Homes & Gardens suggested substitution of white wine.

“I’m so surprised Barb Taub has white wine on hand!” said nobody ever…

Okay, I tried it. And despite the fact that I had to cook it in the paella pan here in our little kitchen in Spain, it was FABULOUS. We scarfed them down warm, but the leftovers were just as good the next day. I can’t thank you enough.

Yay!!!!! When I make them on a Sunday, my kids have left overs all week for breakfast. It is the best scone recipe I have ever come across. I have a nice one for orange cranberry scones that runs a close second, though. 😉

I almost left you a link to an article about NHS funding by mistake, since it’s what I copied just before this. But here’s a scone recipe that, to date, has been forgiving of me regularly forgetting which of my measuring cups are the British ones and which are the American. I’m not actually sure which measure this is calling for, but if I had to guess I’d say British.

Scones
(makes 4 to 6, depending on thickness—I always roll them out thicker than I mean to)

*There are 4 (British) cups of flour in a pound if you want to weigh it. Do not trust me to do the math here—there’s no telling what I’ll come up with. An American cup measure’s not the same as a British one. Don’t lose sleep over it. The recipe’s been forgiving so far.

“just enough milk”? Sounds British to me. I can’t wait to try this, but unfortunately I have to wait because it’s Sunday and Spain is closed (and I have NO idea how to say ‘cream of tartar’ in Spanish). And of course, I’m that American who clings desperately to her tsp/TBSP measuring spoons and imperial cup measurements. So bless you for the forgiving recipe! I’ll send a picture and a report.

I’m afraid when it comes to providing an air tight recipe I might let you down, but being from Northern Ireland I have to stick to my roots and recommend some good old Ulster fry (warning, this isn’t healthy by any means but is really delicious!) which consists of soda bread, potato bread, fried tomatoes, eggs, bacon, sausages and of course, a strong cup of tea. I don’t know many things an Ulster fry can’t cure. Best of luck! X

LOL! Another bout of laughing (a sound that only occurs when I’m reading your posts, and that sends my dogs hiding under the bed.)
I have no recipes, English or American to send you. My idea of good cuisine was eating anywhere but at my house. My mom was an awful cook. In all fairness, she was trying to keep five farm kids fed, but… My favorite disaster of hers was when she made chili with two inches of grease floating on top. Apparently, draining the meat prior to putting it into the chili never occurred to her. And they wondered why I thought McDonald’s was good eating. You want the recipe for a Big Mac? Maybe it’s a Scottish recipe.

OMG! Made me look. There is, I swear I’m not making this up, a recipe for a Big Mac. It is NOT, to the best of my knowledge, Scottish. (Although, considering the fact that Scots will happily deep fry anything from a Mars Bar to haggis, that’s not exactly a bragging point…)

I was reading this via phone to a close friend (who is Irish American) and when I got to the “international food” part, she interrupted me and said “Spaghetti and meatballs?” She wants me to tell you, you are not alone. 🙂

Please give your friend my sympathy and tell her I feel her pain. And please tell her there’s hope. It may take time, a lot of therapy, and the odd novena or two, but eventually she WILL be able to eat vegetables that have not been boiled to limp anonymity, and maybe even sushi. I’ll pray for her.

Barb, I share your pain. My mother could neither cook or bake and when she did try, burnt most everything. Even before starting school I would climb unto the counter and stir away at custards and such. I baked cookies and by the time I was five, could make a meal, okay don’t consult Ina… I taught myself to do all kinds of things with yeast dough and such. I had a big family to feed so it came in hand. Hands down one of my favorite food memories was Grandma’s Shortbread. When I would go to Canada to visit, she knew I was wondering where that old biscuit tin full of golden goodness might be hidden. Grandma was a Cardiff lass and has been gone for decades but I can still taste that shortbread melting in my mouth. I could guess at the recipe and will try to contact my cousin who does have it. Unfortunately, she rarely checks her email. One thing she did say was it was just three ingredients. A pound of butter, a pound of sugar (no type specified) and a pound of flour. Grandma always said that the secret was in the kneading and that cannot be less than twenty minutes, by hand of course! I don’t know if I would follow those instructions as there maybe something I don’t remember but if it were not so hot, I might try a batch and see. No doubt my neighbors would help with the eating as I am gluten free these days.

I was in the same boat as you. My Mum was a terrible cook, she still is. A paticularry awful meal that stands out is mashed potato that was too wet ended up with half a bag of flour in to make it thicker… inedible.
It has been a long road of self-discovery, but, I think I am finally able to cut ties to my food past and move forward. I hope you find recipes that you love!!! GOOD LUCK!

On behalf of our Mother let me just say despite the rather bland nightly meals she did put on a damn fine holiday meal. AND she taught me to spread melted chocolate liberally over rice krispy treats (a culinary treat provided regularly to my house guests).

WHERE DID NULL CITY BOOKS GO?

I've split with my publisher, so books 1-4 are getting a makeover in time for the release of OPEN FARE, the final NULL CITY book. If you'd like to join the Beta Reader team, please send email (barbtaub (at) gmail (dot) com. I'll send you my undying thanks plus advanced readers copies of all books, including the upcoming OPEN FARE.