Shirt Stains: “Watch Your F$#@%ing Mouth” Edition

Welcome to a new ongoing feature here on the Toilet in which I will be displaying some of the terrible t-shirts and other merch metal bands deem necessary to print. You would think that it wouldn’t be hard to make a decent t-shirt; just throw the band name on the front, maybe a cool picture, and you’re good. But no, of course not. That’s not how things work anymore. Where are the PR groups and managers jumping in to say “Hey, stupid. You’re not a graphic artist and your ideas are terrible. Stop it. Just play your instrument”?

Huntress – “#Clitboner”

I don’t know much about Huntress other than they’re not Baroness or Priestess. What I do know is that this shirt is a pile of terrible with a wasabi-awful reduction. This shirt is like a turducken of terrible. Before we even get to actual letters or words, this shirt starts off with a hashtag (or Pound sign for those that don’t Twitter). Nothing outside of social media should start with a hashtag. The only time it should be on clothing is if you’re promoting some sort of social justice campaign, and even then it’s a little dicey.

Of course, that little symbol pales in comparison to the rest of the shirt. Clitboner. Just look at that pseudo-word. Not too long though. Blood might start trickling out of your ears. While writing this, I’ve written “clutbonter” more times than I’d like to admit. That’s probably my brain telling the rest of my body not to write out “Clitboner”. I assume that this is a joke or some sort of reference, but it’s probably lost on 99% of the metal world and 99.9999999% percent of humanity. And frankly, I don’t want the joke explained to me. If you have to explain it, it’s probably not funny.

What is funny is that their name “Huntress” is on the back, almost like they forgot to put it on at all. It’s a helpful reminder to people bewildered at the front of the shirt that they can go complain about Huntress online. Band shirts are meant to 1) have your fans show their support and 2) advertise to potential listeners. This shirt does neither. I don’t think we’ll see this trending any time soon. Clutbonter indeed.

Machine Head – “Machine Fucking Head”

I get it. People are so excited about MachineHead that they have to wedge “fucking” in the middle of it. Don’t you remember GavinRossdale singing “Got a machine fucking head. It’s better than the rest. Green to red, machine fucking head”? And the “Head Bang Mother Fucker!!” on the back? That can be read a lot of different ways. The scratch font just screams “WWE circa-2001”. Plus the extra exclamation point is just excessive. Tsk tsk.

This is just an easy way to guarantee that your shirts can’t be worn in high school. Come on, Machine Head. That’s at least a quarter of your demographic!

And when you think about it, what does that shirt really imply? A head that has intercourse with machinery? Perhaps the band is a fan of Marvel Comics and it’s an ode to M.O.D.O.K, the Mental/Mobile/Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing. Or maybe it’s a reflection of RobbFlynn’s use of social media occasionally getting him in trouble? Maybe it’s a commentary on how technology is affecting society’s capacity for critical thinking. That’s it! We are obsessed and addicted with technology. Staring at our computers and phones all day, cutting us off from human interaction, feelings, and emotions therefore turning humans into the machines they worship. Right?

Naaaaaaah. It’s just some curse words for the sake of curse words.

Iced Earth – “Fuck Posers”

This is a joke, right? It has to be. I can’t fathom them being serious in any sort of way, just like I can’t fathom someone paying actual, government-backed currency for them. No one would ever confuse Iced Earth of being tough guys. I mean, Iced Earth managed to make Dracula soft. Sweet bass, though. Dracula loves groove.

And what posers are they talking about? Who does Iced Earth consider posers? Do people still say “poser”? I thought that went out with Ozzfest and message boards. There’s a part of me that hopes this is some sort of bootleg, but I’m not sure.

Maybe I’m just over-thinking things and the shirt is being literal. Iced Earth wants you to make sweet, sweet passionate whoopie with people who pose in various positions.

Attila- “Shutup You Never Fucking Listen”

Attila is a band that loves to court controversy. It keeps them in the news and fills them with the sort of pride only a tea party troll on a news website can understand. There’s a reason people don’t listen to you, Attila. I’ll give you three guesses why and every guess is a correct answer. Oh, and “Shutup” is two words, guys. Maybe you should have spent more time listening in school instead of carving LimpBizkit lyrics into your desk during lunch detention.

It’s nice to see the band use all of the fonts from the free font website. They also managed to cram in as many words as possible. That’s just good economics. Seriously read everything on that shirt out loud in one long stream. “Attila outlawed shutup you never fucking listen”. That’s not even baby talk. That’s a stream of conscience from an angry 13 year old that was told they couldn’t go to the mall with their friends.

And if anyone in Attila reads this, be sure to post a link to our sight all over your social media. Thankssssssss!

You probably won’t see too many of these shirts outside of shows. You don’t need to make a statement every time you step out in public. These shirts are not exactly something you wear when you head out to Target and therefore, hurts the bands in a roundabout way.

If I have one piece of advice for bands making merch, it’s this: Don’t use fucking swear words on your shitty fucking shirts, you dumbass cockfucks.