You’re a mama’s boy at heart

Yeah, you heard me.

Some men walk around thinking that they’re actually men when really they’ve been ruined and destroyed by their mamas at a young age. Remember when she used to chop pieces of celery up into the tuna just like you required so your sandwiches would have that extra crunch? And she would refill your juice cup when you screamed for “more juice please!” from the TV room? That’s actually why you can’t hold down a relationship.

You don’t shower every day. I’m not passing judgment, because hell, I don’t shower everyday. No harm, no foul. But part of the reason you don’t shower—and your hair is rank, btw—is because your mama told you that you were her perfect little button. Now, the thought “I’m a perfect little button” corrupted your brain and you still think that you can get away with a whole lot of stink.

Say the following words out loud, “All women know how to bake a pie, make chicken noodle soup and iron a dress shirt.” Now. Do you believe what you just said? Really dig, deep down, bro. Deep down, you think that if you sent a woman into the kitchen with a flour, some eggs and some fruit, she’d somehow manage to come out with a pie? Mama’s boy.

You think that someday you’re going to get married and have a family, despite the legions of failed relationships behind you. That’s a blaring red flag of a mama’s boy. You think that you’re so great and precious and such a catch, that you’re just going to somehow end up with someone. Remember last night? Yeah, that girl threw a drink in your face because you’re a tool.

You still have couple items of clothes tossed to the bottom of your closet—with random stains on them—Worcestershire sauce, “honey,” jagermeister or whatever she was drinking. The stains didn’t come out in the wash—and you have no plans to get the items dry-cleaned. You’ll just drop them off at your parent’s house the next time you visit and mom will find a way to get them out.

Okay. If this your thought process you are a total and complete M.B. Is there hope for a person like you? Yes. It's called "do it your Goddamn self." You can apply that trinket to nearly every "problem" you have. The second part of this self-help process is called "self realization." Look in the mirror and say, "I'm okay. I'm not the prince or the button my mother told me I was. I am just okay."