Saturday, February 20, 2010

Tears

I cry every night - every night since we have not been able to sleep in the same bed together. I feel robbed of the most tangible comfort I ever knew. I miss cuddling with my husband before sleep, making love, and even hearing him snore periodically through the night. Now I find myself in a big half-empty bed. He still greets me with a smile in the morning, but I have to walk into the other bedroom for that. No more morning cuddles in bed.

As his body gets weaker, he has less energy for conversation. I miss talking about our future plans - whether they be about our next weekend getaway, this summer's vacation, home improvement ideas, or the babies we've tried so hard to have. We planned to do so much together. That was one of the things Michael has said he loves the most about being married - shared goals. We had a lot of those. Now I can't even imagine what my future holds, but I know it will be much different than I expected it would be just a year ago.

So much is slipping away from us. Each day a little more of him is suppressed by the effects of the cancer. He is still sweet and kind, attentive to me, but more quiet and withdrawn than in weeks past. It's heartbreaking. This isn't supposed to happen at this stage of our lives.

My house is cluttered with medical equipment and supplies from hospice, and various items we've purchased or been loaned in vain attempts to make Michael more comfortable. Nothing here is normal anymore.

No one deserves to shed a few tears more than you right now. I know you have the strength to keep walking through what you have to... but don't be ashamed to let the tears go when you need to. There are many of us out here shedding tears with you, too. Hugs and prayers...

I can't even begin to imagine how strong you are and how you're holding it together right now. I'm very impressed by how you and your DH are handling this right now. Can you sneak in to his bed for a cuddle sometimes, or is that too much of a strain for him?I think it's wonderful that you're doing all you can to maximize his quality of life at home for the time you've got left together. And that your faith is helping you through this.Hope he's not in too much pain and is able to get some refreshing sleep.

our family has your blog up the speakers turned on to enjoy your music from here. While I am making buckwheat pancakes as I listen I am praying in the spirit for you and M. its 7 am your time, i hope you are still sleeping and wake up to a peaceful morning. I will eat an extra pancake for you :)

It's impossible for me not to try to imagine myself in your shoes. I'm sure I couldn't handle myself with even half as much grace as you. I hope you and Michael can have some snuggles and smiles. I wish you could have some miracles too.

I can't pretend to imagine what you are feeling right now, but have lots of hugs for you and Michael. Having faith that God has a plan for you doesn't mean you can't also be sad. I think of you both and send prayers of peace to you daily.

I, for one, don't how you stop the tears from flowing.Your grace and strength is a guiding light to so many of us. I would do anything I could to change this for you both and I don't even know you in person yet for so many years you have shared your heart with us.

Hold his hand, sit close and snuggle and for just a few minutes allow the thoughts of both of you to drift to a far away place to where happiness is.

My heart truly breaks for you. There really are no words. I can not begin to imagine how you must be feeling. You're right, Jesus wept. And when you weep, He counts your tears! Praying for the joy that comes with the morning!!!

You are a pillar of strength and courage. I truly admire your faith. I continue to pray for that miracle that will take your tears and heartache away!

Know that you are loved and cared for and there are many who weep with you! Love and prayers being sent your way!!!

About Me

We all know life can change in an instant, and mine has. I was enjoying my life as a newlywed, savoring every day with my wonderful husband, and trying to overcome infertility when we learned in May of 2009 that he has kidney cancer. Now, our focus is on his health. Through our struggles with infertility my faith in Christ grew, and now I can face this new challenge knowing that we are in His hands.