April 30, 2017

Mama update

When Addi was Isaac's age I was about to run a marathon. I was running four times a week, for hours. I was in shape, felt strong and had time to be alone and work on something that was just me. Not related to being a mom or compared to anyone else. And it was so good for me. I am having a hard time not comparing that phase of life to this one. I've been doing so much better with working out regularly, doing workout videos at least four times a week, usually five. I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger, but I can't compare it to the shape I was in when I ran a marathon. I miss that phase of life and having that huge goal that I was working for.

I'm feeling ready to be done nursing Isaac, but feel like we're not even close to weaning. He nurses a few times a day, and at least once during the night, often more and has zero interest in milk. I nursed Addi till 22 months and it worked for us, but just feel ready to be done and am hoping to do it by summer. Part of me feels sad about that phase being over, but I am more than ready to have a little more freedom, be done with nursing bras and clothes and to hopefully sleep more at night. I got pregnant two months after Addilyn was done nursing so I have been pregnant or nursing for over four years.

I am 99% sure we do not want more kids. Chris wants to get a vasectomy and I am just about there, but the idea of it being so final is conflicting to me. It seems weird to pay for a procedure to not get pregnant, when we worked so hard to get pregnant. But the idea of a third kid makes me want to panic. I want the newborn stage again and the excitement that comes with a new baby, but I also can not imagine being pregnant again or actually parenting a third child!

I am in a spiritual rut and need to work on it. I have to figure out how to carve out time in my day to read the Bible and pray and work on my relationship with God. I miss having a community with adults to talk about what God is teaching us and share what we're struggling with. If it weren't for texting one or two friends with how I'm doing I would feel like I just about completely lacking adult conversations on any kind of deep level and I miss that.

I want to go back to making a few goals to work on for the week that are about me and not being a mom. Working out goals, doing something nice for a friend, reading a few chapters of a book, etc. I think that will make me feel happy and who doesn't feel accomplished checking things off a list?

Most of these things make me feel like I'm in limbo, which isn't a place I love being. I know all of this is a season - getting back in shape after kids, having deep community with little kids, readjusting my schedule and priorities for things that are important. So I'm just working on giving myself grace in those areas, but stretching myself to work on them and then knowing when to be content with where I am.

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comments:

Have you ever tried Bible Study Fellowship? If they have a class in your area it is totally worth checking out. They have childcare and you get to spend time each week with like minded ladies talking about the Word. It is almost over for the school year, but will start back up in August.

Oh girl, I so relate to this entire post!!! I miss being in a Bible study or small group, I miss sleep and I miss my old body BUT these days are going to go so quickly (right??) I'm impressed with how much you are working out currently and how you still manage to look cute and wear cute outfits. Ha. I'm not there yet!

I know what you mean about having time for yourself after one kid, but then it being a whole other story with two! And to add to my craziness... we are adding a third! It's such a hard decision to know when you are 'done' having kids. We wavered on it for a few years, and I have had similar conversations with girlfriends countless times. Good luck with whatever you decide:)

I can so relate to this post... I have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old. It feels like a miracle if the whole family is healthy enough to even get to church on Sunday, let alone staying in the whole service (leaving to deal with tantrums, nurse, change diapers, etc). I've been struggling a lot because I was in much better shape when my son was this age. The second time around feels so much harder. I'm finally consistently working out, but my eating habits aren't so consistent... Yikes. My husband and I have been talking about this life limbo lately - trying to get our house decluttered (or really our life decluttered) so that we can focus and prioritize the important things like small groups and connecting with friends. Apparently this is a common season for those of us with itty bitty ones!

I can relate so well to this post!You're not alone! My husband and I are in a similar boat with the whole 'no more babies' issue, but i think we're going to wait at least a year or so before making the big decision. Right now we definitely feel like we're done, and I cant imagine adding another baby to our busy, busy lives, but i don't how I'll feel about it in a few years'when our boys are a bit older... It's such a hard decision, I'm sure you'll figure it out!

Yep, just like the other girls stated, I can relate to so much of this as well! I'm missing deep relationships with women and although I'm around people all day long I'm lacking those deep connections most of the time. I tell myself it'll get easier once the kids are older, but that doesn't make it easier now. Hang in there!

Such an hornets post, I love it!! I'm working on several things in my life as well. I actually started an accountability group on Facebook- not affiliated with any program, just a place we support each other through whatever we are trying to do. I can add you if you are interested?