(Closed) I want to experience new things, but I don't want to hurt my SO

I’m a regular user going anon for this one. Background: SO and I have been dating since high school. We make a wonderful couple, and he is so good to me. He spends every waking moment making sure I am taken care of and loved. I honestly could not have picked a better guy. He is going to make an excellent husband and father, I know it, and I am looking forward to being able to grow and change with him over the course of our lives together. I love him, I really do, and I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else.

But… I feel like I missed out a little. I’m not a partier at all, but I am having issues reconciling the idea of only having sex with one person for the rest of my life. SO was my first, and I would not change that- he is so wonderful and attentive. Our sex life is fine. I just… I feel like I want to experience something different at least once before we get all settled down. I’m fairly liberal about sex, and I know for some people monogamy isn’t right. Personally, I feel it’s right for me, but I always kinda figured I’d have the chance to have sex with a couple of different people before settling down.

We even kind of talked about it for a while. After all, he’s had several other partners before me; he had that experience. So we discussed allowing me to have the same experience, at least once, but after talking about it, he couldn’t do it. Of course I promised him I wouldn’t do anything he wasn’t comfortable with and I’m not. I would never cheat on him. I love him, and our relationship is not worth throwing away so I could have a one night stand.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for bees. It’s not our sex life. (TMI:) We have an active, health sex life. We’ve tried new things, roleplaying, all of that.

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to look back and resent that I never got to have those experiences. I already feel kind of irritated at SO because I’m not his first (or even his second) so I feel like he got to get that out of his system but I can’t. And I feel like a terrible person for even being curious, but isn’t it kind of natural? I just feel so stuck right now. I feel like a terrible person and a horrible girlfriend.

@AnonymousBuzzer: What your feeling is 100% natural, after a long relationship the mind wanders and you get curious. Sexually as well many people think about this (hence why so many people cheat) and their people who have had several sexual partners! So don’t feel like a terrible person because your having these thoughts/feelings.

My advice would be don’t do it.

1 – it’s never as good as you think it will be, your not missing out!

2 – afterwards you’ll only feel uncomfortable about what you did

3 – despite whether your other half says it’s ok, it’s not. He sounds loving and attentive, if he say’s yes it will just be because he want’s to make you happy, but it will kill him inside

4 – being intimate is never as good as with someone you can let go with, are comfortable with and can try new things with

If your sex life is good, regular, your experimenting and trying new things and you have a great and loving relationship I really would advice against it. I’ve thought about it several times (esecially occasionaly when my sex drive goes through the roof) but it passes and I thank god I didn’t do it! This is someone has has had a few sexual partners, and honestly the only ones any good have been with long term partners, the ‘one night’ or short term flings just made me feel a big icky afterwards to be honest and the thought of it was so much better than the actual doing!

I don’t think you’re a bad person, but I do think you’d be a fool to risk losing your relationship with this “wonderful and attentive” man for the sake of meaningless sex with someone random. Is it really worth it???

Also, going outside the marriage for other partners, EVEN IF your DH was ok with it, isn’t really the same as the experience your DH had. Actually, that experience isn’t a possibility for you anymore, b/c you ARE married. There’s nothing you can do about it.

@AnonymousBuzzer: I understand why you feel the way you do and where you are coming from, but trust me, you are not missing out. If anything, going out and having other experiences will only end up making you feel worse. If you truly are not happy in your relationship, then maybe you should think about getting out, but you do sound happy, and in the end, I think you would completely regret being with other people. There is nothing wrong with having these feelings, but try and put it all in persepctive. In the end, what do you want out of all this? Do you want to be with your SO? Then he is worth it, and you don’t need to experience other people. There is nothing satisfying about being with someone who doesn’t mean anything to you, I promise.

I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling this way. It’s natural to be curious, but haven’t you heard that the grass is always greener on the other side? When you get to the other side, you realize that your grass definitely looked better than the turf you’re standing on.

I think it would be wrong to lose a relationship that by your own admittance is pretty awesome.

You know your SO better than any of us: Do you honestly think he would be okay, cool and on board with you saying, “I want to break up so I can have sex with other people, and then come back to you later.”? You said you can’t imagine a life without him, but wanting to sleep with other people just for the experience is a life without him.

If my husband had told me this at any time in our relationship, I would have left him and never come back. It isn’t going to be as good as you think, and sex with other people isn’t any different than what you’re getting now.

My advice is to acknowledge these feelings, come to terms with not fulfilling them and live your life with a wonderful significant other.

Maybe you should go as a couple and visit a brothel in Nevada together. You can hire a third person together, gender of your choosing, to make a threesome, and not have to worry about STD’s or any weird emotional fallout.

FWIW I don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting to see and experience whatever else is out there. It’s only natural to be curious about your sexuality. Amd I don’t think your SO is being a bad guy for not being thrilled with your curiosity. It’s one of those times that you as a couple will have to come up with a creative solution.

I am a Bee who married her high-school sweetheart. Like you, DH was my first (and, thus, only). To be fair, DH has never been with anyone else either, so it’s a little different than your situation.

Nonetheless, I wondered briefly before we got engaged if I was missing out – I talked to a friend who had a lot more experience in that area than I did. Here’s what she told me:

Sex is fun, but there’s a real difference you can feel when you love the person. You may not have a lot of experience, but you love Mr. Bear and so you are having better sex than you will find with anyone else.

Is that true? I have no idea, but I believed her then – and still do. There may be someone more skilled or more adventurous that I would enjoy sex with – but I wouldn’t have the emotional connection and passion that I have for DH. I wouldn’t sacrifice what I have with DH for a little fun.

Sex with someone who knows your body is frankly better than sex with someone who is learning your body. I’m part of the grass is always greener camp. It may seem to you like there’s a whole world of mystery and experience… But enh.

@AnonymousBuzzer: One thing to also consider is that if you did do this, then you might have a BAD experience. Nothing to say that trying something different, with someone else might lead to some real emotional damage to you. It’s not like the movies where it’s all amazing, passionate and heaps of fun. You may be in an uncomfortable situation, it may hurt, he may (as I experienced once) be rougher than your used to or wanted and could freak you out a little. It may also only last 5 mins in which case you’ve potentially ruined something for a 5 min, no thrills fling!

As someone whose dated a fair number of people before I finally settled down with FI, I agree with the other PPs in that if you’re happy with your sex life with your SO than sex with strangers/random people isn’t all that great. The time it can feel great is if you already have some sort of connection with the guy, and if the attraction is there, than the chemical high and lust can feel good when you finally have sex. BUT unless you’re in a committed emotionally secure relationship where you KNOW the guy will never leave you, the after effects of sex can suck really bad. When you have sex with a man, you feel more vulnerable and emotionally connected to him in a way that only happens through sex. And if it was just about the sex for the guy than anything else, you will most likely feel really empty and even more lonely after sex.

The thing is, it’s a big fat lie to believe that ONLY having sex with one person for the rest of your life is limiting and something you’ll regret. My parents were each other’s first and even though my mom is a widow now, she can’t imagine sleeping with another man b/c my parents were so in love with each other. I have a few friends who were virgins when they got married, and some of them are happier with their sex lives than some of my friends who slept around before they got married.

All I can tell you is, the real truth, sex is great and phenomenal when you share with it someone you love and trust with your whole heart and your partner feels the same way about you. In the context of such a secure and loving relationship, your body will open up in ways that it normally doesn’t and sex feels amazing. But when you have sex with someone you don’t share that kind of love and trust, the act of sex can still feel good but without that emotional bond and security it can leave you feeling empty, lonely, unfulfilled, used, and sad afterwards — esp if the guy isn’t there to bond with you and take care of you afterwards (and most guys who aren’t in love with you, won’t stick around long after sex).

Honestly, you really aren’t missing out on much. If you have a healthy sex life, and are satisfied with the sex that you have with your SO there is nothing to say that anything would be any different or better with someone else. Just be happy that you lucked out on your first try, and didn’t have to go through a bunch of sexual partners until you found the one you want to be with for good. A lot of people end up regretting having sex with the people that they don’t end up staying with especially if it was just to gain more experience.