Aiea teeming with rich, single people

Hey, all you single, poor guys out there looking to meet rich chicks. Here's a secret: There are 1,395 millionaire single women in Aiea. Seriously. What are you waiting for? I mean, if 1,395 millionaire single women are in a little place like Aiea, you shouldn't even be able to walk across the street without running into one of them. That lady in front of you in line at McDonald's? She's gotta be a millionaire. And single. And probably just waiting to meet you. After she gets her Big Mac.

Anyway, that was my initial impression after going onto a Web site called DateAMillionaire.com. You plug in info about the kind of rich chick you want to meet -- her age, where you live, etc. -- and then hit "submit." Presto, you're told how many single, rich females live in that area. Now, to actually meet those women, you have to join the Web site and, I suppose, pay a hefty fee. But, hey, you're going to meet a rich babe who will reimburse you for your investment.

Just for giggles, I wondered how many single rich guys were available in Aiea. So I filled out the Web site's form again, posing as a desperate housewife, and the answer came back: 1,002! Yes, there are 1,002 single, millionaire men between the ages of 20 and 40 in Aiea. Which raises two questions: Why are there more rich chicks in Aiea than dudes? And, with so many rich people of opposite sexes roaming around the not-so-posh village of Aiea, how come these rich men and women never meet each other?

So I did a little more research and found out, according to this site, that in tiny Hilo there are also exactly 1,395 single millionaire women! What are the odds of that? It gets more weird. Turns out Hilo is home to 1,002 single rich men, just like in Aiea!

Well, someone more cynical than me would suggest that this site is just pulling the legs -- or credit cards -- of poor, ugly single people in Hawaii, making them think they can date someone way out of their financial/personal appearance league simply by joining this dating service. The cynics would say that there aren't 1,395 rich single women in Aiea and Hilo (and, apparently, in Haleiwa, Hana and Poipu) and that the Web site is just making up that number to get customers. You have to feel sorry for people who have such little trust of their fellow man.

It turns out that a lot of Web sites let poor, ugly people meet rich, attractive people at a reasonable recurring deduction to their credit or debit cards. Sugardaddy.com lets women of the gold-digger variety hook up with millionaire men. But they have to accept an agreement that is longer than most prenuptials before they can join the club. One item in the agreement says, "any information posted on sugardaddy.com must conform to reality." Man, that's harsh. In fact, that flies in the face off just about 99 percent of the information posted on dating sites, if not the Internet in general.

My advice to lonely poor men and women of Hawaii? Forget the Internet. Head to Hilo or Aiea and get a date the old fashioned way: by begging.

Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online at any book retailer. E-mail him at cmemminger@starbulletin.com