My heart, mind and body yearns so badly for him. Every night I miss his hugs and kisses, every morning I wake up from a dream that we are closely lovingly embraced together.

why did i selfishly went ahead with that movie with the other guy, and told him that we broke up, and lied to one of my best friends? I am in such a mess now and I can't bear to own up to myself. I feel terrible.

All I want to do, is to run into his arms and kiss him lovingly over and over and cry and apologize for all that I have done and beg him to keep loving me.

I feel his love too, I know he misses me a lot. His life is increasingly hard now without me and facing an enormous, almost impossible workload.

I feel so empty and soulless. I have no freedom, no chance to have my own activities, I feel useless at work, I have no motivation, I try hard to be patient with my mom and love her.

I miss him so much it hurts so bad... I want to say to him, I'm sorry... Can we be together again?... How I wish I can be with him...

I have finally felt enough discontent and insecurity to doubt my relationship with the most gentle, loving, caring, mature and responsible man I've ever met and who fully loves and cherish me.

Due to a series of plain unlucky events I suddenly fear for my future with him as he and his circle present a very different circumstance from what I am used to. For example, he could not speak English well, and I had to organise every tiny little thing like calling banks and insurances and real estate agents just to run our lives. He would have to rely on a translator or an English-speaking friend. He would set lower standards than I would to accomplish some things and always tells me, as long as I tried my hardest, that is enough. It is mainly his background, his level of education, his circle of friends, his main topic of conversation, .... it's all too ordinary and bland for me. I seldom get to share in-depth thoughts and philosophical conversations which I enjoy. The night I flew back to the same apartment we live in, I told him he would not come back with me after all. That I had lost feelings for him. It was a break up to me. I suggested that he moves out. He was undoubtedly hurt. He said it would hurt him more if he moved out. Afterwards, we had a long in-depth talk and he said he really enjoyed in-depth talks with me and he admitted he had been slack and not fulfilling his promises. Afterwards we developed a better level of understanding and love for each other and I really cherish every minute with him. I am falling back in love with him. It is too late now, he has accepted that we are breaking up and he will not be together with me once we go back. Now my heart aches whenever I think that we are not going to be together anymore, he is ... my boyfriend! I love him! Why did I lose my feelings for him and even fell for another guy?? Why? What torn us apart? Different social and financial status? Different family background? The fact that 90% of my family and peers are against us? The fact that I worry for our future when he could not provide the lavish, comfortable life that I am used to? The fact that his circle and family are ordinary people with ordinary needs and no luxury to live like my friends and I do? The fact that we are different? ....

We have the same kind passion for the world, very empathetic and mature. We feel so incredibly comfortable with each other, that we both provide each other a loving feeling of home. He lost his parents, he missed his mother, he would not allow himself to be happy after her passing, until he met me and felt at last his mother allowed him to be happy again. He felt like his life finally has a clear direction and is worth living. He thanked me over and over, when what I did was to break his heart by telling him we are breaking up, he should move out, and I fell for another guy. He forgave me for everything and treated me so preciously. We made love so many times. Today even dangerously. I would be in so much trouble if something goes wrong. I really... i feel so heartbroken now that we are really leaving this relationship. It had been incredibly special to me. He saved my life too. He nursed me back to health and loved me so well and deeply and showed me how great love can be. Especially after I had been so deeply hurt by my first love. He came into my life so easily and loved me so easily. I had such a wonderful, peaceful, lovely life, albeit simple and full of hardworking times. He made me treasure simple stuff and cherish just pure moments of love. I can't wait to be in his arms, to hold his hand, to spend time with him, to talk, to laugh, to just ... love him. And now I can't say, I love you. I can't say, I wish we can be together, because I have chosen to break up. What should I do? I am falling back in love with him. He's ... too nice. I really love him. He's a guy that ... the way he loves me... I've never seen anyone be loved to this level ... he's so attentive.. so caring... so nurturing... so gentle... so mature... so responsible... so incredibly strong and unassuming... so patient.. so kind... Am I giving up my only chance to be blissfully happy the rest of my life? Or am I doing the right thing by leaving this man who may potentially lead me to misery and hardship just because he is not rich right now? ... His diligence, discipline and willingness to learn is unmistakable. He works tirelessly and without complaints. He is incredibly patient. His only fault is his English is bad but he's trying very hard to improve it. We connect on a spiritual level that I have never experienced with any other person before. We really share the same perspective and attitude towards the world. We feel so comfortable with each other.
I seriously wish that it would be him coming with me to my beach holiday and not the new guy. I seriously wish that I can continue this relationship and marry him and have children and live a blissful peaceful simple life together with the same principles and values. I never told my family why I loved him. I never told them I was even in love with him. I never bothered to defend him when my mom assumed unkind and discriminatory things about him. I was doubting him at that time. Now, we are so ... I don't know. I really don't know what to do, what to feel. I may need counseling. But like i said, 90% of my circle is against us. .... A friend advised that, when that many people think that way, they are probably right... .. what else can I do? Will crying actually give me a solution?.... I cry because I feel sorry for myself and I really miss him. I cry because I felt all those moments we loved each other, all those memories.. they are all going to be in the past and I can't love him anymore... I'm crying over my loss... So sad...

my new boyfriend is like how i was to ivan. i was 100% supportive, always putting him first, forgoing my own pursuits and dreams to support him, always loving and caring, all-accommodating. Now JJ is totally like that to me, he loves me more than I love him. I feel bad. I like him, I like how supportive he is to me, I like the idea of having a boyfriend who actually loves me more than I do, I like having the security and peace of mind. However, this guy is less ambitious and from a poorer, or lesser background than me. I wanted to say I don't care about money and status, and here comes this guy to come and challenge that exact notion. Ok, so here is a guy completely different from my stable financial family background, very different education and language, yet we find the things we are passionate about in common, namely health, food and loving and caring for each other. I am grateful for his unwavering support and love for me and all the little things that he has done for me, those little things go far beyond any ordinary boyfriend would do, he is amazing. But yeah without money, status and the level of intelligence at least on par with me... i doubt my family would approve... my dad... well my mom and brother might adore him since he is so loving and caring... my brother already met him and thinks he is okay... as for myself... what i am really worried about is having to bear the burden of making all the money myself... since he is not ambitious...

so yes i am feeling a little disappointed in him, and yes i am setting a criteria for us to be together, which is for him to be rich and successful, otherwise i can't introduce him to my family. this thinking is so rotten. This was exactly how he went wrong with his last gf, he set a criteria for her to lose weight and be presentable to his family. I should not repeat that mistake. I should be able to accept him for who he is right now, regardless of what he may become in future. Think the other way, what if something horrible happened, like a big accident or a bankruptcy or some disaster, and one of us - touch wood - choi - got sick, injured, paralyzed, poor, homeless... etc... what will happen? The cold hard truth is he would have still accepted me, but I would have been hesitant to still accept him. This is terrible. if i am not ready to announce him to the world now, there is no guarantee that i will do it in future. if he is not right for me now, should i give him some time for him to change, or should i let him go, and not waste his time? he will be dearly heartbroken if he knew i am thinking like this, all his love for me instantly forgotten, he had such deep feelings for me.

sigh

whatever the cost of happiness is, maybe the only way out is to detach from all desires. i don't know. feel sien. just lost about $11k in my abysmal stupidity of helping ivan and his client. very terrible mistake that i cant tell my parents about, they will probably disown me or kill themselves or something, it is so horribly embarrassing ... shameful... an abomination... i should never have access to their money, i can't be trusted... i give it all away too easily and can't earn enough money for shit... and here i am judging this guy whose heart is made of gold, who loves me more than his whole entire being, who really genuinely wants me to be my very best and be together and be happy. for that to happen i might have to compromise a lot, like my current carefree, comfortable, safe, happy standard of living, being in a better country than where he is... i don't know.

he is my saviour and my current best friend who now knows a lot about me that most people don't and fully supports me in whatever i do. i am very, very very grateful to have him in my life and frequently wonder where did such luck come from, what did i do to deserve someone so good, how lucky am i to know him.

oh.... my heart tells me to hold on but be cautious, because this might go bad, i might cause a lot of trouble in future. i don't know.

sometimes my hunches are right, sometimes i forget to pay attention, sometimes i only realise after things have happened. i don't know. maybe when we sit down to have our bak zi read, then we will know for sure if we are compatible or not. but i know true love cannot be dependent on some fortune telling. if i really love him i wouldnt have cared, i would have insisted we are compatible, we are meant for each other, he loves me and i love him... it also scares me how he proposed to me so early, although it was light-hearted, i know he fully intended and will definitely want me forever. he is seriously in love with me.

he is a simpleton....! if i asked him what did he do today he will say 'miss me' .... oh ... my dear JJ....

I met a wonderful man who treats me like i'm the single precious pearl on his palm, he pays attention to everything i say and do and shamelessly performs very cheesy and loving acts in public to take care of me. Last night we finally kissed, and I know that was coming because every night we were getting closer. We held hands for the first time last night walking all over the city and through insane crowds. I've never held hands this long with a guy before. He also gave me incredible, extensive shoulder and back massages, hands and legs acupoint massages, for the past 3 nights in a row. He is due to return to Msia end of next month, he said to me, 我舍不得你，怎么办？... I am afraid of falling in love with him, and then having to lose him. I'm afraid of him falling in love with me, sticking with me, and then having to ultimately face up to the fact he's not really in the same social status as me if i were to return to msia, im not sure my dad would accept him, and i need him to pick himself up...

he is aimless at the moment with no stable job, he is mature and thoughtful but i dont know if he only cares about little, near-future things and not big things and having big goals. I don't know, I suppose since he's been through a lot he needs time out to figure it all out. I really .... He's the nicest guy I've ever met. He treats me so incredibly well. I don't know what to think, my heart already accepted him as a dear lover but my brain is saying stop, wait, don't go into this, it's too early.

i dont feel that he is particularly attractive, but his presence somehow makes me feel comfortable and safe. He is kind-looking. He is not intimidating, yet he is strong enough for me. I don't need big guns like ivan has. I'm afraid his thinking is too simplistic. He appears to have not done well in school. I'm afraid that intellectually, we can't connect. I converse this well in English and he barely strings a sentence together. He speaks Mando and Canto and my confidence in those isn't high. I don't think he enjoys the same music, genre, film, any kind of entertainment stuff that I do. He has met my old housemates and did well mixing in but not the rest yet.

i guess the biggest problem is that he's leaving soon. Should we do a long-distance relationship? Should we break this off, and see what happens a year after? Should I ...?

i gave him the advice to not feel bad about the whole world, just because of a few people making his life miserable. Why can't I do the same? I am beating myself up and feeling depressed for more than a year now, only for 1 person. He has had it much, much worse. Broke and in debt, friends deserted him, despise him, stealing from him, spreading news about him... oh my god. It's literally everything going wrong. His business that he worked so hard for.. just folded on itself on him, because his partners turned their backs on him. His houses that he worked so hard for... the money he spent buying stuff there... I really don't dare to imagine the level of pain and torture he is going through.... to have no money, no results, no friends, not a single positive thing going here for him, everything just going bad. Why though, why are his so-called friends acting like that?...

maybe i'm too blinded by love to see him for who he actually is... All I know is, he has a kind heart and he really works hard... he does not deserve that much pain... the poor man.... I really really want to be with him, to mend his broken heart and spirit, to help him soar up and achieve high again, to achieve higher and better dreams, to create wealth and enjoy health, to travel, live, love, laugh... how nice if we could be together!

i have absolutely no way of contacting him now. he's deleted his fb and isn't replying to my email, maybe he could not access it.

i don't know... the thought of letting him go,.... all the signs and advice i'm getting is to let go of him.... now that he's gone for at least 5 whole months... i have plenty of time and opportunity to look for someone else and move on... the thought of moving on fills me with tears

i don't want to abandon him!!! i promised i would be there, i will support him!! i want to keep my heart, body and soul, solely for him, untainted by anyone else, all for him...

but of course he isn't going to do the same for me... he never wanted a relationship and never will... so he's the wrong guy if i want to settle down...

but i don't want to settle down! i want to be a 100 year old rocking grandma with tons of energy and climbing mountains at that age! one who lives absolutely fearlessly and happily and strong!

and i want to be able to do all that with him by my side...

i WISH I CAN BE WITH IVAN AND LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER....................... I WILL BE LOVED AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM............ AND I WILL BE BLESSED AND LUCKY IN LOVE AS WELL AS ALL OTHER AREAS OF LIFE :) i am loving and grateful, i am kind and beautiful, i am generous and insightful, i am smart and playful, i am sexy and elegant, i am charming and i command presence and attention whenever i speak, because i have an important message to share: I love you and I want you to live well...

we had a good night of food and movie as usual... and he good-naturedly allowed me to stay the night as it was already 12-1am ...

i suddenly remembered seeing the pretty girl kissing him on fb and knowing i have to lay next to him but not touch and have no physical desires, and i can't do it, it is too painful... i could not explain why and ran out the door... he asked why... why are you leaving.. i cried and cried and he followed me to my car and asked where are we going? and sat inside before i opened my door..

i closed my door and cried and cried...

"omg i can't stop crying... Last Friday night, the night before my birthday weekend with my party, I was looking at your facebook and it's what i do, check your page and photos coz i was bored, and i found this girl kissing you... i know it's wrong, you have every right to see - to do whatever you want, i have no right to say anything ...

but it killed me... i didnt want to have my party anymore, i almost canceled it.. (cry somemore) sorry... i must've said sorry 10 times..

he said he has a gift of making more chicks cry than laugh... he must have won an award for making the most chicks cry this year...

he said i dont have to be sorry.. and i already know.. it is very hard for him to get close to anybody... for anybody to understand him... and we talked a bit more and he said so can we go back inside?... as i got out i said i must have attracted what i wished for... i didnt want to get married, i didnt want any children... all i want to do is work, create good work, beautiful work, help someone achieve his dreams...

we went inside, i finally laid next to him to sleep, and suddenly his left hand ran up my right thigh and over ...

i cried again.. why are you touching me for?!? he said for fun...

and we made love again.. first time this year.. since nov last year... during which i said i feel like crying, but - he said oh no you can't cry now, you're feeling pleasure...

and on another night i went over, we made love again... this is so weird... what the hell does he want.. he said 'i just feel like it... when you want to do something just do it... '

but other than phyiscal stuff and then either he's working hard or not talking... nothing else.. i can't meet him and i went to a seminar in the weekend...

and tonight he seems to be really tired of me.. or maybe he's too stressed..

when he went home for a month i could deal with it, only 4-5 weeks, i can wait till he's back and we can sort out projects.. i collected the mail dilligently and reported stuff to him...

this time, he's going back for 5 whole months.... if i got pregnant, my stomach would have been big by then.... but i'm not...

how will i survive this 5 months? will i finally go out and meet new people? will i save my heart for him? will he give me an answer before he leaves? i want to stick by him every moment of the day and night, make every moment count, i want our days to last forever, i don't want him to leave... but he must... there are so many things he wants to accomplish there... and there's that pretty girl over there, she probably misses him....

he did say he's the worst of the lot, i just happened to be so unlucky to meet him..

and i keep telling him he is great... and he did say he would have felt so much better if i tore his clothes apart and started beating him up, instead of crying, but i could never ever hurt him... all i could feel was to be sorry for myself, and sad that he could not love me as much as i love him...

it hurts, when i want him so much, and i know i could not have him, no matter how hard i try.. how many meals i cooked, how many times i drive past, how many times i try to .... i cried to him saying i am trying so hard... and he said you dont have to try at all... i said all the things that i do, they are not fake... i really wanted to give you all those things.. i automatically think of you whenever i have something good... i want to share it with you.... i mean... it's automatic...

he knows.. he knows... oh... i feel like crying again... how am i going to survive this 5 months without him?.... .....

so ... my birthday is coming soon and i have organised a massive party with almost every one of my friends here in melb and my fav activity, karaoke. and after tonight, i feel like retreating into a deep, dark hole, not see anyone, not troubling anyone, feel like canceling the whole thing, or to text him saying, don't worry about Sunday. you are not welcome anymore".

but i know that will send him worrying and feeling angry at me for no reason.

DOESN'T HE KNOW ... I STILL LOVE HIM VERY, VERY MUCH?! it's actually my own fault too.. he only wanted me to work platonically with him... and made it clear that if i dont want to, i can leave....

i stubornly stuck on... i know i am only going to get hurt later...

and even though he didnt do anything to me, he didnt say anything, he was so good and normal...

there's a couple thing going on between him and another tall, beautiful girl... i dont know where she is, but they took pictures together in late sept so must be overseas...

gosh... so he wants to be in Serbia as long as he could...

FUCK THAT... NOW I NO LONGER WANT TO WORK WITH HIM ANYMORE.... it's so shitty.... me just working silently, paying for all the bits and pieces, sacrificing my sleep, my health, my mental health... for months and years now... for what?! just a friendship! in the end he could not be more than a friend... what's all that false hope in the beginning.. what "obviously because i like you".. that was probably true only at the start... maybe he grew to like me less... i dont know.....

why must i be so stupid to keep thinking that my happiness depends on him, one person, of all things in the world?!

i knew my conditions to stop loving him, 1. he died, 2. he tells to my face he hates me. but i never counted in the fact that he might fall in love with someone else. shit.

he knew all along i was a big fool and .... i dont know... he's trying his best to be diplomatic and nice to me since i never stop doing all i can for him... i know he also knows he can't do anything more than be friends with me and he tries to make things cool with insults here and there and reminding me he is entitled to say and feel whatever he wants.. which of course is fair.... who am i to tell him what to do...

i knew from the start he is a free bird who can never be caged....

i knew that somehow i will only be a part of his life, and we will go our separate ways....

now i recall back when in his car, that night he first kissed me... i did say... whatever happens, it will at least be a lesson for me... after all, i am new to the game... i was so willing to take on anything... the first guy i liked that liked me back, that was such a miracle i was so fucking happy and naive,.... now see what it took me to.... a year and more down the line, i am a complete wreck who can do nothing beyond thinking for him and doing all for him. what happened to my ideals, my own ambitions, my culture, my place, my language? i stopped all of that and don't have time for my hobbies, my health, my sanity. i spent so much time crying myself to death. and what for?

it's not like one day he will say to me, hey, i realised how important you are to me, will you please be with me? it's impossible. he'll most likely return to Serbia and have a great time doing all he wants there, There are more than enough reason and things for him to do and accomplish his ambition. He can make money anywhere, he can fuck bitches anywhere. He does not need me or any dramas here. He can leave all his problems behind. I think he should leave Melbourne for good. I can also move on, finally. no more tears. New adventure, bring it on! I shall love a little more carefully this time.

my heart, please, cross his name out. He does not belong in my list anymore. Just one of the past lost loves.

my brain, please stop focusing on a lousy relationship and focus on more important things like how to utilise my intelligence to save the world and people in need. I certainly only experienced a tiny bit of suffering that most people have and are going through. I'm like a baby who cries at every single little thing like my toys not being the same colour or the bird outside is too big. I am so stupid and naive.

Maybe it's best. I have grown so much, thanks to this one guy who have shown me the dark side of the world in a safe way. I'm thankful nothing happened to me, no STD, no pregnancies, no arrests, no nothing yet.

i have about 30 hours of work due in 8 hours time or less. i have so much to cover and so little time. and all i can think of is how uncomfortable my back, stomach, neck, shoulders and hands are and how am i going to face 100+ friends and family back home in 3 day's time and pretend im very good and healthy and happy. i am indeed very far from that. i hardly went out and have a good time this year, i have not played badminton my favourite sport at all, i have not swam, i have not danced. i have not seen my friends since that wedding last sunday, i have not spoken to people, i barely got any exercise. i ate without feeling and consideration. i hate my bloating stomach and sluggish body. my big tummy came back. how am i going to wear a pretty dress. how am i able to smile
how am i able to hold myself through the weekend without breaking down or telling anyone the true storey?

that i have been holding out for so long for something that will never work... that i have been waiting for someone who will never return my feelings... that i have been wasting precious time, energy, money, my youth, my happiness, my laughter, my smile, my positivity... all this year.... and some of last...

how could someone provide so much happiness and excitement in me... someone who made me change around so much,... someone who was such a bright source of inspiration... someone who impacted me so much i made him an utmost priority...

is someone who also affected me so negatively... someone who turned my world upside down.... someone who made me cry incessantly day and night without reason... someone who made me so depressed i struggle to smile... someone who constantly provides me a reason to be sad.... someone who is struggling so much with life himself... someone i can't even comprehend why he's so difficult..

why, why am i still here taking this shit?

why, why am i still working in this shitty company with no feelings for employees only thinking we're robots?

why, why am i staying up all night for the sake of this man who makes no effort to give me what i really want, and he knows it?

why am i always crying?

when will i wake up and walk away?

when?

am i waiting for my parents to slap me, and hug me, and ask me to come home and leave this place forever?

am i waiting for him to come back to me, say sorry, and will love me forever? which of the two are more possible?

i need to grow up and make adult decisions.

how am i going to go through tonight, being sleep deprived and nearly insane and having tons of work to complete, is my current problem....

sigh.

i always come here to complain, which is useless because i don't let anyone read it. i don't wanna complain to my best friend who already knows my story. what's the point. she cant help me. her advice fell on my deaf ears. Leave him, and stop working for him. I need to cut off completely. I need to make new friends. I need to stop this crazy lifestyle and work if I want to avoid falling into depression.

i already feel there is no hope, no source of happiness, all there is, is darkness and gloom, forever and ever... black clouds everywhere, rain unstopping, everything dying around me, there is only sadness and grief.... laughter and joy is nonexistent.... there is nothing that i can feel happy about.... nothing to look forward to.... except his return and the impossible hope of him saying 'i love you, thank you' and a hug and a kiss.... i don't know.... he really isn't worth my million billion amount of effort that im doing right now... any fool will see that... and he's in no place to take on another person with the current crazy state he's in... i understand... he's got way larger astronomical problems than i do.... i mean, if it involves tens of thousands of money and losing assets and the police.... i dont think i will be able to survive just the mental part of it... he's holding out strong... even having the mood to skydive... i hope he will sort out his emotions and mental health being back home for a month...

although i miss him, he absolutely needs a break.... already at this age with drugs and cigarettes and alcohol and still pulling all nighters here and there... i knew men around the world all live the hard knock life... but well.... a little break is needed every now and then to continue life.... sigh....

He only told me on Monday morning, when I slept at 3am and got up at 7.30, that he was flying off that very same night. He wished he wasn't, but he has to. The flight was already booked. He could not pack properly as he had no weighing scale. I could not stand just going home after seeing him briefly at his house with his mom and sis there too. I drove to the airport myself hoping to catch him once more before he went through the gate. He came with Nick and was frantically trying to unpack stuff when his luggage got too heavy. I feel really bad, I made him take out his keyboard and mouse when he didn't need to. Now I have several bags of his stuff at my house, things he could not bring with him.

I wonder how am I going to go through 4 weeks without him. Day 1 is bad. I feel like crying at some point.

I have so much work to do, I feel horrible.

Well, 4 weeks will go by quickly. I hope. I have given him a hundred dollars in cash, I hope he still has it. I hope he won't be angry with me. I hope to finish all the work he's asked me to do. Tonight I will be strong enough to at least email him a 3D model of the project he's asked me to do. And on Friday I will submit the one he's asked me to submit.

for months i have been drowning in self-inflicted pain and depression. i didnt feel enthusiastic about life and neglected my health badly. i didnt exercise, i slept little, i ate shitty foods, i was in a sad mood all the time, i was not living.

i finally had a long talk with him and finally realised i have to let go and depend on myself for happiness, to stop wasting my time working and focus instead on things i really love to do. drawing, creating art. making others happy. he said im retarded to pursue architecture instead when i have this talent in drawing.

my best friend from high school who i used to be really close with and really idolized and loved her whole family.. now she is in terrible shape. i really can't fathom how much pain she is going through right now, as if her life has ended, it is so horrible. i guess i really dont appreciate what ive got till its gone, i should treasure my health more ... how stupid i was to keep crying over something so insignificant...