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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: We’re Going To Jersey Shore, Bitch!

Guess who’s back? Well, you know the answer since you’re already reading this, but just in case you’re totally dense, it’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey! It felt like just yesterday that we were watching their tumultuous reunion as Teresa suddenly found herself the outcast of the group. Now, it’s just a few months later and the ladies are back. This fourth season premiere lacked the insane drama that we saw at the Gorga christening, but then again, what could possibly top that instant-classic moment in reality TV history? That’s okay though because this time around, we’re less concerned with fisticuffs and more with MYSTERIES. As in, how did things get so bad between Caroline and Teresa that they were screaming at each other at the reunion?

The only clue we have so far is that Caroline et co. were miffed about the stupid things — or perhaps jokes, depending on your perspective — Teresa wrote in her stupid book Fabulosity or whatever it’s called. The comments were certainly enough to make the Manzos mad, but would they alone push Caroline to a place of hatred? Hard to believe it, especially after all the women on the season premiere seemed eager to rise above Teresa’s idiocy. Clearly, things are going to get a whole lot dirtier. I personally can’t wait.

Of note this time around is the timeline, which is just a shade less confusing than perhaps Syriana (dated reference — I’m going with it). Season four opened with flashbacks to the season THREE reunion, which occurred in September of last year. We then saw a title card that said “Four months earlier.” That means we were now in May (presumably around Memorial Day) of 2011. Incidentally, this was exactly when season THREE began airing, which means that the season THREE reunion four months later could have just as easily been a season FOUR reunion, which means that the inevitable season FOUR reunion will probably play like a reunion of the season THREE reunion. It’s… confusing.

This also means that clearly as this current season unfolds, it will unfold simultaneously as the previous season unfolds for the people we see on screen. Clearly this will have an unspoken impact on Caroline — who will see that Melissa really isn’t that bad — and Teresa — who will undoubtedly roil in jealousy as America slowly decamps from Team Giudice to Team Gorga.

In other words, it will all be just a shade meta.

For now though, we can just enjoy the simple fact that these people are back. And boy are there a lot of them. Perhaps more than any other Housewives show, this series has a ton of ancillary characters. We’ve got Caroline, her two sons, Greg, Lauren, Vito, and of course Albert (not to mention Dina — who looks to be making a cameo this season!!). Then we have Jacqueline and her brood, including Ashley, whose new blonde locks and puffy lips officially place her in the pornstar-to-be category. Then we have Melissa, who comes with her beefcake husband Joe, their kids, and a stable of sisters, sisters-in-law, and brothers-in-law (all of whom seem to be named Joe). We mustn’t forget dearest Kathy, one of my favorite housewives of all time. She comes with her coarse but lovable husband Rich, her wise mother whose name escapes me, and of course, the butch sister we adore to no end: ROSIE.

Already in this first hour, Rosie has received a huge amount of screen time, and it’s clear we’ll be seeing plenty more of her. Clearly, she must be on the reunion. Clearly.

Lastly, we have Teresa, whose family seems about as much of a disaster as it’s ever been. Her husband Joe, when not working out his Stay Puff Marshmallow body, has been up to no good. He was arrested last year for attempting to obtain an illegal driver’s license by bringing his brother’s papers into the DMV. This attempt at grifting was of course the result of Joe losing his license the year before in a DUI incident. Clearly, judgment is not his strong-suit. Maybe that’s why so many rumors popped up about him having affairs and love children. I think we all felt uncomfortable and sad when Gia grilled Juicy Joe about his after-hours activities with girls. Clearly, she’s her mother’s daughter, and I truly fear for her future.

Hopefully, Gia will turn out better than Milania, who at six years old is still acting like a petulant toddler. This week’s Lucifer moment: covering her face in blue chalk. It was like a really cheap version of The Grudge, but just as scary.

Looks like we’re off to yet another banner season…

Rosie: “Okay, let’s finish up this toast because I gotta take a shit the size of an alpaca.”

Joe Gorga: “What in the hell is going on over there?”Other Joe: “Looks like Rosie is doing a keg stand again.”Joe Gorga: “Why does that make my nipples hard?”

“So here’s the thing. Why don’t Cap’n Crunch have a boat?”

“I am no longer speaking to anyone who enjoys okra.”

“So did alls you like the jokeses I put in the cookbook with the ingredientses?”

“Caroline, they were jokeses. Like, haha. I’m not gonna apologize for making a very funny joke about how stupid your son is or how fat you are. See? I was jokesing again. The fact that you don’t get my humor makes me upset because it’s like you don’t even take no time to get to know me and my humor. You prostitute whore. Sees what I did? I just made another jokes!”

They are neglected and were clearly left alone for a very long time given the buckets of food he was leaving for them. Does anyone know what county they live in? I think the Humane Society needs to check on their welfare.

This episode was a lot to take in and confusing for sure. I was comforted by the appearance of Sassy Greg (Stupid Italian SAT Prep books was ca-lasssic). If I thought brunette, lazy Ashlee was insufferable, then I’ll say my facial muscles are not lean enough for the amount if cringing I will do at blonde Ashlee. Ugh. Also, someone needs to tell Juicy Joe to lift his teats whilst he tanneth…this is an olde English way of saying his fat lumps created bizarre tanlines. Speaking of the unfortunate Guidices (whose misfortune is largely self-inflicted), my head spins, not Milania/Linda Blair style, at how inappropriate and boundary blurring it is that Gia, a child, questions her father in a grown-up way about other women. Gross and sad.

Sorry to jump on your comment again, but, I was thinking the same thing…what the heck is that structure in the backyard? Is it a dog pound? Creepy. And what was that thing Juicy lifted on top of the car? It was funny when one of the girls said “Daddy you are as strong as a dragon.”

The timeline of this season is going to be confusing. I know the reunion of last season was so heated and one of the ladies said something like, “Well, we can’t discuss that because it’s season 4.”

So is the blond Ashley still walking around NJ? Or is she in Las Vegas? Or didn’t Caroline say something about her living in LA (at the reunion?)?

That season 3 reunion really is messing me up.

Love Melissa and Joe.

I don’t know what kind of hold Juicy Joe has over Theresa. If he ever did have to go to jail Theresa would have to finally be nice to her brother b/c she’d need his money. She really needs a reality check.

I’m not sure if Theresa is wearing a patterned swimsuit or if that is her real stomach. Either way, she needs to find a better swimsuit that doesn’t show that part again or makes it look nicer. My eyes are still burning a bit from that picture.

The timeline is easy – they couldn’t bring Teresa down in one season (last year’s season 3). So Bravo let them continue to try without a break by filming of season 4 leading up to the season 3 reunion date. The foaming at the mouth at last year’s reunion was because they still couldn’t take Teresa down! LOL – hope she flips a table at them all while she counts the money she is making by actually working and taking advantage of all the opportunities that are coming her way! I’ll bet my last dragon we are in for one wild ride this season!!!

THANK YOU! I was like um yes lets have that girl stop her partying and send her to Vegas? It was like when my parents refused to let me even apply to schools in Florida based on partying but I ended up going to university in New Orleans… heehee. Ashley is so asinine though- I mean anyone with half a brain would be like VEGAS and have all her friends she has plans with visit her there. Derr. The fact that she didn’t smirk and just go shows how little material she is working with upstairs.

Sooooooo over, and sick of Ashlee and her BS, as well as Jacq’s response to it all. Total Debbie Downers: “whaah my kid sucks” “whaaa my mom sucks”. ugh. Just go to a deserted island (or Staten Island) together already.

Yeah, what the hell was that squatter’s den in the backyard of the Guidice household? I was expecting some drifter to come walking out with a roll of toilet paper and a can of beans. Weird.

Terese in that pic above looks like she’s got spray-on abs.

I like me some RHNJ, they are quickly becoming my favs. When they get together on vacay they are pretty fun to watch (Catskills, Puerto Rico, Jersey Shore) unlike that snooze-fest that was the RHOC “glamping” adventure.