Our Discussions

Prom and Dating

1 (a madar)

I have a variety of Persian friends. Some are very westernized and some try harder
to instill
persian values in their kids. Now that they are young, I don't have a lot of issues
that really
worry me. As my daughter is getting older though, I am starting to get more
concerned. For
example, I don't want to allow my daughter to date until she is in college. I will
allow her to
go out with a group of friends that are boys and girls but I don't want her to date.
I also don't
want her to go to her prom and school dances.

I came to America when I was 15 and finished 11th and 12th grade here. I didn't go to
my prom
and have to say I felt very out of place and different for not having had these
experiences in
highschool.

I don't want my daughter to feel the same way I did. This is where all my confusion
comes in.

ON one hand I don't want her to experience the feelings of being different that I
experienced. On the
other hand dating and the social pressures associated with it really concern me.

I have a feeling I am not alone in this.

PLease respond to me with any ideas you have.

Regards,

2 (a madar)

I second madar #1's worries and confusion!

my husband often says that our daughter will not go to prom because
the only purpose of prom is to expose young people to sexual experiences!
it is imposed to them by peer pressure whether they want it or not.
I think if we arrange a nice trip instead at the time of prom
it would not be much of a problem. but I haven't made up my mind about
dating and the "boyfriend, girlfriend" game yet (Assuming that my
children will wait for me to make up my mind!)

I also ask other parents to please
share ideas, thoughts, and experiences.

3 (a mother)

As the mother of 6 children, two of them teen girls,(one of whom is in her
senior year), we definitely are at the crux of this problem. I pray and
believe we have circumvented it by one simple method. Talking.

We have always told them, "Because, I like it" is not a viable answer. If we
ever have pushed our children, it has been toward being independent of the
status quo, questioning without acquiescing in the easier 'follow the crowd'
rule of thumb and developing social consciences, since kindness and
philanthropic aspirations must begin at a young age.

We both, personally believe, that it is not necessary for junior highs to
have dances, it is pushing. My son's school's dances were canceled two years
in a row because of lack of student response. Adults learned nothing from
this. They scheduled another.

High school proms are part of the American teen tradition. Although, I berate
no one for participation (I, was a member of the homecoming court, so, I
too, was a part), I really think that the age does not warrant the necessity.
They have so many years to look forward to this kind of interaction later.
There is incredible pressure on girls to have the right date, dress, hair and
evening, that hundreds and hundreds of dollars per couple are spent for an
evening of "being grownup". I think, by talking with my daughters, we have
come to the conclusion it would be far more grown up to avoid this "forced
coupling of peers" in lieu of a donation and hours volunteered to a more
needed venue. Don't get me wrong. Everyone needs fun. I want my children to
have fun. I just don't want them to be forced into a fun which is
antithetical to our personal beliefs and ideals.

Children need to be children. I think they should be free of dances and
dates, of the clothes competition fostered by
where we live, of traditions which are antiquated or never really thought
through. I, for one, welcome an evening at a play, a concert, a parent/child
program . I welcome uniforms, so that students, and girls in particular, can
dedicate more attention to their studies and world views and less to their
hair and shoes.

Yes, we are a fundamentalist family. But, we insist on putting the fun in
fundamentalist and adopting an inclusionary policy which means everyone is a
potential friend, all ideas are potential possibilities and our beliefs are
ours, not to be imposed on others, as we wouldn't want others' imposed on us.
That is why, being a part of the educational triad of parent/student/teacher
As the mother of 6 children, two of them teen girls,(one of whom is in her
senior year), we definitely are at the crux of this problem. I pray and
believe we have circumvented it by one simple method. Talking.

We have always told them, "Because, I like it" is not a viable answer. If we
ever have pushed our children, it has been toward being independent of the
status quo, questioning without acquiescing in the easier 'follow the crowd'
rule of thumb and developing social consciences, since kindness and
philanthropic aspirations must begin at a young age.

We both, personally believe, that it is not necessary for junior highs to
have dances, it is pushing. My son's school's dances were canceled two years
in a row because of lack of student response. Adults learned nothing from
this. They scheduled another.

High school proms are part of the American teen tradition. Although, I berate
no one for participation (I, was a member of the homecoming court, so, I
too, was a part), I really think that the age does not warrant the necessity.
They have so many years to look forward to this kind of interaction later.
There is incredible pressure on girls to have the right date, dress, hair and
evening, that hundreds and hundreds of dollars per couple are spent for an
evening of "being grownup". I think, by talking with my daughters, we have
come to the conclusion it would be far more grown up to avoid this "forced
coupling of peers" in lieu of a donation and hours volunteered to a more
needed venue. Don't get me wrong. Everyone needs fun. I want my children to
have fun. I just don't want them to be forced into a fun which is
antithetical to our personal beliefs and ideals.

Children need to be children. I think they should be free of dances and
dates, of the clothes competition fostered by
where we live, of traditions which are antiquated or never really thought
through. I, for one, welcome an evening at a play, a concert, a parent/child
program . I welcome uniforms, so that students, and girls in particular, can
dedicate more attention to their studies and world views and less to their
hair and shoes.

Yes, we are a fundamentalist family. But, we insist on putting the fun in
fundamentalist and adopting an inclusionary policy which means everyone is a
potential friend, all ideas are potential possibilities and our beliefs are
ours, not to be imposed on others, as we wouldn't want others' imposed on us.
That is why, being a part of the educational triad of parent/student/teacher
is so very important. I've found my hours volunteered as Site Council
Chairperson, Room Mother, School Volunteer, Library Maker, Gifted Children's
Coordinator, Reading Program Volunteer...all acts which are seemingly
gregarious, but, in actuality quite self centered. I am giving so that I can
better my children's lives and develop a bond between us, which will
transcend the need for extracurricular activities such as dances. So far...so
good.

We are keeping our beliefs, living life with a passion and thinking our way
through each day while...

Living La Vida Loca.

4 (a madar)

What's so terrible about the prom? Children's values are instilled in them
at a very early age, much earlier than the teenage years. Grammar school-age
is when we have the most influence over our children and that's when they
learn what is right and wrong. After that, especially in middle and high
school, their personalities are shaped and sharpened by those early years and
by the quiet support of their parents. Restrictions, especially those that
are deemed harsh by societal norms, may only prove to instill anger and a
weakening of parental respect in your daughter. If you restrict your
daughter this much, how do you expect her to make the right decisions once
she's at college or working? As for putting her into a situation of feeling
different -- well, being different is a human condition; better to think of
yourself as "special" rather than "different". I don't think that's the
issue here. But ask yourself this question: if you had gone to your prom,
what terrible things would have happened to you? You might have had a great
time. It's only one night of celebration. Perhaps your ambivalence on this
subject has more to do with your own inability to understand what it is that
YOU believe rather than what your own parents believed. Letting your
daughter go to the prom is not a betrayal of culture or family values; after
all, your daughter is a product of your family. By now, she should know
that. And if she doesn't, nothing you do can change it. Good luck!

5 (a madar)

Sexuality is the number one subject on the minds of teenagers, whether
they're at the prom or not. Secluding your children from these issues rather
than teaching them how to handle them will only put them in the position of
having to deal with them ALONE once they are in college.

6 ( madar #2)

I agree that children should learn how to make decisions in
general. however, when they are not in a position to make the right
decision, I really don't mind helping them with their decisions or even
make decisions for them. specially when they are under age.

when they are in high school (as one of the madars said
once in one of our gatherings) it is their "hormones" that work, and
that is why sexuality is the number one subject because hormones
of a teenager work harder than their rational and logic and we cannot
expect them to make right decisions. they do need help and guidance to
pass the critical years and then they will be able to make rational
decisions alone when they are in college (hopefully!).
about prom and dating, it is not
a taboo issue, but I am afraid of the situation where my child and his/her
decision making ability will be tested in an unfair situation where peer
pressure is a strong factor and the environment is inviting him/her to
make a wrong decision. I just want them to avoid such inviting
environments.

7 ( a teenager)

I am an eighteen-year-old freshman at Berkeley. I was born in Teheran
and came to California when I was two years old. I speak Farsi at home,
attend "Persian parties" with my parents and I am proud of my Persian
heritage. On the other hand, I also feel American. This is where the
issue of prom comes in. I agree wholeheartedly with parents number 5 and
6. I believe that by the time prom rolls around a child should already
have enough learning, integrity and values that it should not matter
that they attend. Prom does not have to be expensive, it does not have
to result in sexual relations, it is not evil. Prom is what you as a
parent and as a teenager make of it. Most of what Persian parents know
of prom is what is mainstream. TV and movies always make it a sexual
spectacle, and the media is the main source of knowledge about American
society for Iranian parents that grew up in Iran. The reason American
parents have little reservation sending them to prom is because they
know how harmless it is. However, ALL parents worry about their
children's burgeoning sexuality and thus American and Persian need to
establish trust and values with their children before prom season, and
any dating for that matter, rolls around. My parents had no problem
sending me to my prom because they trusted me and my values-- things
which were fostered over my eighteen years. By not allowing your child
to attend prom, you are in essence saying that you do not believe your
child can make their own decisions and will be sucked into the sex that
you ignorantly associate with prom. I do not even know how to answer
the madar who believes that we cannot control our hormones and make wise
decisions. To me, it sounds like she was spoon fed Khomeini's Islamic
mantra. Either she, as a teenager could not control her hormones, or her
child has done things that make her believe that he/she cannot control
themselves. But healthy teenagers can make their own non-hormonal
decisions-- it is adult sex-offenders who cannot. I do not mean to
attack anyone-- I am stating my opinions. I applaud this open forum
because growing up I witnessed a lot of dissention between American and
Persian culture as parents around me tried to raise their children.
Reading other parent's opinions, I just have one more thing to say--
Merci, Madar and Pedar (my parents, not the website) for your open
minds, open hearts and love that have made me the proud Persian American
that I am today.

8 ( a teenager web visitor)

I am a nine-teen year old college Junior, born in New York with Iranian
parents. We keep the Iranian culture in our family, yet we are Americanized
(at least me and my two older sisters). My parents appose the whole idea of
having a prom, and they still do..but all three of us went. I think they
just had to understand that it is a huge American tradition and all of our
friends went and they just had to trust us and our actions that night. I
think at some point my parents let go and have "softened up" regarding
their strict " old fashioned" rules...but don't get me wrong..some are
still there. It took a lot of convincing to let me out for the whole night
of prom and of course the idea of a date was ridiculous, I had to convince
them to take a guy friend.

Anyway, I think it's a good idea to let your Iranian children partake in
this American tradition because growing up in America, it's unavoidable to
not have American culture rubbed off on you. My own opinion about prom, is
that I don't see what the big deal is....I dress up all the time and go to
black tie weddings and have a great time with my family, but it's not like
that with many of my American friends. They don't usually go to big parties
(like Iranian bashes) that are all spiffed up, and they don't ever get to
have a glamourous night like the prom. The reasons why I wanted to go to
the prom so much was to share this special moment with my American friends
because they were waiting all their adolescent lives for it. I had a good
time at the prom, and if you are doubting letting your teenager go to it, I
think you should seroiusly put yourself in their shoes. It's hard growing
up as an Iranian American teenager. Parents have to understand that when
living in another country than Iran, it's ok let your children part take
in some of that country's traditions. I