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Thursday, March 10, 2016

New Employee Orientation (Blogophila 3.9)

In a conference room outside of Dallas, TX

OK, every one. Settle down and let’s get started. My name is Marty Mammon, Senior Demon Director of Sales and Compliance here at Devil’s Quill Communications. On behalf of our Chairman, Mr. Lucifer Beezlebub, we welcome you to your new adventure here at Devil’s Quill, or as we lovingly call it, DQ.

What’s that? No, you can’t have a Brazier Burger and a Mister Misty. Did this building look like a cow barn to you?

[With a bang and a puff of smoke, the questioner is transferred to another department]

Any more smart remarks? Thank you.

Anyway, you were specially selected to spend eternity with us in the compliance department. DQ has been a leader in soul marketing and testing for more than 5700 years. We take pride in our ability to get people to waste their wishes on wishing. Each of you has been selected for our program based on your ability to convince others to sell out. And we will be behind you in your quest forever after.

This firm was begun when Maker Industries needed to beta test a new creation, called a Mortal they had made. Our founder, Mr. Beelzebub, was selected to complete this task. He was a senior angel in the creation department and his keen observation skill set made him a rising star among his contemporaries. When he began to observe the mortal in the garden, he immediately saw a flaw. The curiosity switch in the programming had been left in the on position and this allowed the creature to learn details about its surroundings. The Company referred to this ability as “soul”. Over time, the creature would obtain enough information to be able to manipulate things for his own benefit. Beezlelbub wondered if this ability could be exploited to the detriment of the company with the right incentives. A correcting program was proposed to Mr. Maker, detailing his findings. The concerns raised in the report were immediately rebuffed as silly.

But he was not deterred and decided to ask forgiveness later. I won’t bore you repeating the details, but a routine test script confirmed his suspicions and solidified our firm’s reputation for quality assurance. Maker was so upset at the results, it cost us our initial contract. The rebuke was painful, and we learned from that. Over time, we worked diligently and we were asked to come back. To this day, Maker Industries is by far our largest client.

I guarantee you too will be rejected like Mr. Beezelbub was as you go about your assignments. Do not be discouraged. If you keep plugging, all mortals become distracted, just like you were on the other side. All you need is patience enough to find the right combination of tools for your assigned projects. And our toolkit is endless.

A question? Yes, Ma’am, in the back?

Have any of our projects failed? Good question. Not completely, but there have been some surprising results. The best known of these is Savior project. Maker had developed the updated Mortal version 3.16 and they engaged us to assure the coding was on track. The testing protocol for that project took almost 150 years to build, involving slave revolts, regime changes and bloodshed. But as always, we were up to the task.

When the version went live, the secondary beta scripts executed on the social networks we had constructed performed exactly as expected, with the regular mortals reacting to either fear or greed and turning on themselves. But the primary target repeatedly avoided our deceptions. In multiple iterations of both carrot and stick test cycles, the creature stayed laser focused in his programming with no modification. Even when given the Centurion treatment, where everything to the Lost Horizon was offered, the creature would not self modify. We reported back to the Company that they had done an outstanding job and we could find no flaws. At their request, we ran one last secondary call routine to end the test and bring the project back in house for further development. Maker hasn’t indicated if and when the next version will be ready for deployment, but we have several teams at the ready when it the project comes.

So, how does all of this history apply to you? Since all of you are here because you failed one of our tests, we at DQ think you are the most qualified individuals to assist us in our mission. After you finish this training, each of you will be assigned a senior demon to walk you through the practical aspects of purchasing. Our experience indicates mortals are inclined to sell their souls for stupid shiny things and empty promises. But each case is different and we are committed to providing the latest testing tools for your disposal.

I know that some of you may be thinking that if I mark my time here, I might become the next rising star. Maybe even open a competing QA firm. Dismiss that from your mind now. We are now a fully owned subsidiary of Maker Industries and there are no more rising starts. Everyone is on the same footing. We have complete scripts, including error termination calls, for each and every one of you. And those headsets around your heads are now permanently fused to your skulls.