“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller

“I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.” —Kumail Nanjiani

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’” —Jim Gaffigan

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel