A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."

The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

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(1) A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

(2) A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."(3) The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

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A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++What burns longer, a 20 centimeter candle or a 10 centimeter candle???

None, they both burn shorter!!!+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Whats the best way to see a flying saucer?

Trip a waiter(but watchout).W++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A man's computer won't turn on so he calls a computer maintenance man to come over and try to fix the problem. After looking around the maintenance man says, "I have figured out the problem." as he plugged the computer plug in to the wall. "There has been an I.D.10-T error." "I.D.10-T?" said the confused man. "Don't you know what that means?" asked the maintenance man and after a moment of hesitation he continued, "Write it down on a paper and you might understand." He tipped his hat and was on his way. Meanwhile the man was retrieving a pen and a paper. The man wrote the letters and numbers and took a look....... The paper said ID10T!+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++To DOG keep a DOG fool DOG occupied DOG for DOG a long DOG time DOG this is DOG great! (now read this without the dog's in it).+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++The Easter rabbitA man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal.Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And waved again !

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

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Hey I got some jokes. Wanna read?A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?""Not really - I spill most of it!"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman."What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.He said, "Shingles."So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.He said, "Shingles."So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.He said, "Shingles."So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.He said, "Shingles."The doctor said, "Where?"He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your car. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

In a classroom a teacher asked a student to make sentence with these three - colours green, pink, and yellow In his answer, the student said "the telephone rings green green and I pink it and say Yellow!"The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." "Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman. "Do you want to write your will?" "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude". "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now you blame me." After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I didnt catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "Listen, if you don't believe me then watch this," and he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden sees this and says, "Ok, now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

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(1) A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

(2) A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

(3) A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

(4) Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

(5) A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

(6) As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

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(1) A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way toa meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. ! The ghost says, "Normally, oneis granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wisheach".

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want tobe in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. Pfufffff, and hewas gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to bein Florida with plenty of food and music."Pfufffff,and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the officeafterlunch at 12.35pm"

(2) A college student needed a small two-hour course tofill out his schedule.The only one available was Wildlife Zoology. After oneweek the professor gave the class a test.He passed out a sheet of paper divided into squares.In each square was a carefully drawn picture of somebird legs.No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked eachstudent to identify the birds from their legs.The student sat and stared at the test and got moreand more angry.Finally he stumped up to the front of the classroomand threw the test on the teacher's desk.'This is the worst test I have ever taken.'

The teacher looked up and said, 'Young man, you havefailed this test.What is your name?'The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed theprofessor his legs and replied, 'You tell me'(3) A couple had two little boys, ages 3 and 5, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak to her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 3-year-old first, in the morning. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even stern tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, Brother.... God is missing - and they think WE did it !!!