Sunday, 23 September 2007

Late night ramblings of a broad and pointless nature

14/09/07What kind of week it has been.

I have about five things I'd like to write about and between them they cover the full range of emotion.

There's something so soulless about London. So many hurt people in such a small area. Me included. But there's so much hope and humanity too. So much life. Like everyone's overcompensating for something.

I became an uncle on tuesday. I reckon I might actually be able to remember September 11th as a birthday. Corrinne Catriona Shiell. A new life, fully formed. So much hope in one small bundle that really enjoys sleeping, apparently.

I'll be a good uncle I think. I want to be a good uncle. The slighty crazy one would suit me fine, but I can't help measuring her potential against mine and I think I fail.

For instance, last night I ended up kissing an old friend. I don't regret it, far from it, but I think we both knew it was just an opportunity to enjoy for a second or two.

It got me thinking, though, about cycles. I seem to run in periods of abstinence combined with acting based upon... Well, that's complicated. Alcohol is involved certainly. Physical, Emotional and Mental attraction is there too. But generally, with rare exceptions, it's much more the need for physical closeness. A need to be needed/wanted/liked.

I'm also just using them to bolster my own inate frailties, but then I think part of the attraction is just that they're using me. Sometimes it's nice to not be a person. To just be a piece of meat. Or at least to be able to create that illusion for yourself.

Needless to say I don't consider this to be a good thing. Not only is it feeding their own issues, it's not actially helping my own. All I'm doing is prolonging how long it takes before I start dating again by convincing myself that I'm still in the game. But I'm not, and with a few exceptions - two that spring to mind - I never have been.

I find women to be wonderful and magical people. There's a way of looking at the world that is both alien and natural to me. There's a range of thought that is completely different to men, that's challenging and compelling. Except every so often I treat one like... I don't know.

It's not bad or nasty. It's certainly not malicious. I always try to be honest about who I am and I certainly do my best to face what I've done.

The only common link between all your failed relationships is you. The only difference between your failed relationships and a successful one is the other people. So is it that there's something wrong with the people I'm attracted to, or is there something wrong with me?

I became an uncle this week. I plan on being a good one. I know that I can easily hide my problems because I've been doing it for years. It's what I do. I'm pretty good at hiding them from myself. But should I? Am I being unfair to Corrinne (well, everyone) by pretending to be someone else, by showing her (them) that you should always put a happy face on things?

There's no right answer. There never is. That's the whole point. If everything was wonderful then everything would be wonderful and wouldn't it be crap.

There are so many things I want to say about this week. But the main ones are that I became an uncle and I really need to sort my head out. One's brand new and special, the other one's been with me forever. In fact I think I've probably been waiting for the two to happen for about the same amount of time. Ten, fifteen years or so.

This was me, now it's just me.

For various reasons my life went through a period of huge upheaval. But that's over now and I'm taking some time to deal with all that's gone before.

I also made a simple New Year's Resolution. I would do one thing each day that improved my life somehow.

It worked. Life in a way I can't really explain got better. I started to see things in new and more interesting ways, I started to understand who I was and where I was going.

Until one day I realised I didn't have to look inside anymore to define my life. One day I might even explain that. So now I'm looking outward at the world around me.

Every day I'm taking a photo. I'm trying to do it as close to 6 o'clock as possible, but I'm not too fussed if I miss it. I'm trying to make each of them interesting, but if there's nothing there then I'll just photograph what I can see.