Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Louver or Leave It: The Future of Urban Cycling

Further to yesterday's post, while New York City may be a "bike culture" backwater, at least when it comes to whimsical signage we refuse to be outdone:

Yes, the Department of Transportation's "Curbside Haiku" program has now been implemented, and I must admit I don't understand either the point of the program or indeed the content of the poems themselves. It's all maddeningly precious and cutesy, and if we have to have signs like these I'd much rather see something more prosaic:

Sure it's a bit brusk, but maybe if the signs would say it then we wouldn't have to, and the streets would be a friendlier place.

Speaking of discourteous behavior, last Saturday I rode my bicycle to the New Amsterdam Bike Show. Now, even though I "curate" a bicycle-themed blog, the fact is I gave up cycling a long time ago and now travel exclusively by chauffeured limousine. However, the smugmongers at Transportation Alternatives actually dispatched a pedicab instead of a Town Car to pick me up, and there's no way I'd be seen traveling about town in such an undignified manner. Therefore, I deigned to ride an actual bicycle for the first time in years, and like a complete idiot I chose to ride over the Brooklyn Bridge.

I immediately regretted my decision, for this storied landmark was positively swollen with tourists and other disoriented perambulators with no respect for the integrity of the bike lane. Nevertheless, while I did make frequent use of my bell, I remained civil and reduced my speed. After all, the Brooklyn Bridge is one of the most iconic structures in the world, and it affords one a breathtaking view of one of the greatest cities in the world. Therefore, it's unreasonable to expect visitors not to be agog as they stroll across it on a Saturday afternoon.

However, ahead of me was a rider who was less understanding, and at one point I witnessed him actually slap a tourist on the back as he passed. Here is that rider:

And here is his "filth prophylactic" which is jauntily askew:

As far as the recipient of the slap, if you're wondering how I know he was a tourist, it's because he didn't immediately kick the cyclist off his bicycle as any sensible local would do. Sure, it's infuriating when people walk in the bike lane, but the Nü-Fred pictured above ceded the high ground as soon as he made physical contact. However, problems like these may soon be a thing of the past--if Bill Nye the Science Guy gets his way, that is:

A reader forwarded me the above video, and in it Nye imagines a dystopian future in which the laundry industry has run amok:

"There'll be a place to take a shower when you get to work. Furthermore, there'll be laundry services, small businesses that come into being that service people who change their clothes when they get to the office."

I'm not sure what he means by "service people," though I'm guessing the laundry people will provide you with a "naughty massage" while you're naked and waiting for your clothes to come out of the dryer. He also imagines a series of tunnels so you can ride all over the place without getting wet:

"Bicycle arterials that were...weathertight. Roofs and tunnels and passages where you wouldn't get soaking wet everywhere you rode. You wouldn't be subject to headwinds everywhere you went."

I think he may be on to something there. In fact, I think it would be even better if they laid tracks in these tunnels so that some kind of futuristic subterranean train could run through them. They could call it something like a "Sub Way," or an "Under Ground," and people could use it to travel efficiently and cheaply over long distances--even if they didn't have bicycles. Sure, that wouldn't leave room for bikes in the tunnels, but you could always ride those on the surface roads (assuming we still have them in Nye's apocalyptic future), where maybe they could have bike lanes, which are a lot easier to implement than a series of freaking bike tunnels.

Then, once we've become mole people, Nye thinks we can create a permanent tailwind down there via the judicious application of louvers:

"You could have bridges with louvers that direct wind through tunnels and everybody who rode either way through the tunnel would have a tailwind. This is a crazy idea."

This is indeed a crazy idea, which I'm assuming Nye dreamed up while cruising around stoned and enjoying the breeze in his IROC:

(Louvers, baby.)

Presumably the ceilings of these bike tunnels will be festooned with fuzzy dice as well.

Anyway, here's Nye hoisting himself out of his t-tops in order to wolf-whistle at a passing "hottie" and invite her into his automobile:

Either that, or he's miming being a subterranean cyclist poking his head out from beneath the streets to see if the weather has cleared.

Speaking of science, when I was in Los Angeles for my BRA I witnessed an ingenious invention that made it quite clear to me that the future is now:

Here's a closer look, which reveals that this rider has Velcroed some sort of homemade smartphone bracket to his helmet:

I'm assuming he's using this to make a video, though I suppose he could be using the mapping feature or simply viewing the world through the camera function so he can pretend that he's some kind of dork-tastic cyborg. Then, he could have a futuristic laser fight with this guy:

I should mention that these photos were taken during CicLAvia, which coincided with my appearance at Orange 20 Bikes, and which featured all manner of flambullience, much of which frightened me deeply:

Of course, this being Los Angeles, beyond CicLAvia there weren't too many people walking or riding around, though what few pedestrians I did see really made it count:

Incidentally, I'm not sure what would happen if the pedestrian pictured above were to encounter his nonplussed East Coast anti-doppelganger, but I'm pretty sure the world would explode:

Farting policy in tunnels: you'd need an igniter (and they could be sold by the service people) that bolted to the back of your saddle rails. On cold days, this would warm the tunnel; on hot days it would prevent the worst of the stink.

Trapped in the "Let's promise those weird bicycling cyclists their own separate ghetto that will never get built so I don't have to be bothered by them."

I once had the exact same conversation with the transportation head of a giant public university. He was selling separate paths, bridges and tunnels. There's no way a budget would appear for this utopia so nothing got done. And that was by design.

I was an practical, but zealous noob selling sharrows. It was a short meeting.

Still no bridges, paths or tunnels or sharrows. Lots more parking at the university though...

I don't know who is the more interesting person pictured today:the guy from Maine selling the bike after putting the owner through his wood chipper. Never stop to ask directions in the backwoods of Maine.

Or is it the tri-dork on the Cervelo, wearing tank top, arm warmers, no socks, but toe covers. He scores an extra 20 points for having 3ft of dangling earbud cord, ready to rope some parking meters?

I too rode to the Nu Amsterdam Bike Thing on Saturday by way of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Of course, it was crowded. It was a beautiful weekend afternoon.

And of course there were tourists in the bike lane. Anyone who has crossed the bridge on foot, two wheels, paws or perched in Recumbabe's lap (I've told my dog that's not going to happen)knows to expect that.

But even my dog knows it's extremely poor manners to yell at guests.

Of course, I still have to stop him from selling visitors maps to the stars' homes. (Honestly, you'd think folks would be more skeptical about claims that Bjork lives with a band of pixies in a hollowed out tree trunk in Prospect Park or that David Byrne sleeps in his car at Floyd Bennett Field.)

As for Bill Nye, the future of while-you-wait laundry service for commuters arrived in New York years ago.

I just noticed that guy is running the arm warmer/bibs set-up reinforced by a double ass canon WITH an MP3 bonus. He may have hit the trifecta of tri and is set to dethrone Bret. Times are so uncertain.

...this is all mikeweb's fault...he deigned to mention, whilst bsnyc/rtms/wcrm was attending to personal biz, the wearing of armwarmers by tank topped tri-geeks & thus, we're now subjected to the viewing of one...

Been a huge fan since the eighties when he was still doing stand-up and sketch comedy in the local clubs (okay, no, I couldn't get in, but I did have the Cable Access.... I miss '80s Cable Access). Bill was all legit' and stuff too, though.

...and now Seattle is building it's network of tunnels...

Okay, now that that's outta the way...

The problem with idyllic bike tunnels is not the usage by the homeless and whatnot (let's face it, this is the dystopian future where you do your job and function in society or you discreetly disappear). It's that you get soaked (in Seattle) heading to them, so the gentle tailwind is a recipe for bitter cold.

The plump time trialist was there in front of Orange 20 for at least 2 hours. He kept pretending to leave and then never did. I took in your BRA, (very enjoyable) had lunch and a couple of beers and he was still there. Maybe there was a TT portion of the cicLAvia that I missed. Thanks for the visit.

Bill Nye is describing "The Time Machine" by H.G. Wells or at least Bill Nye's fan fiction version of The Time Machine. The bicyclists, in their tunnels, will evolve into the Morlocks. The "surface dwellers" - bankers and their sexy fashion model girlfriends - will evolve into the Eloi.

You've all seen the movie/s so I don't feel the need to describe the entire plot.

Nye is certainly onto to something here - cyclists,already considered second or third class citizens, have only a short bike lane to travel to finally be relegated to the underworld where they belong.As far as bankers and their sexy model girlfriends go, I think we should begin hunting them for food as soon as possible. Who's with me?

snob,the city of austin posts this article two days after an 85 year old kills a cyclist in austin, hitting him from behind, on a road with a 6 ft shoulder and the motorist is not even cited. wtf snob!

...mcfly...yep...the first few months in juveee are gonna be a piece of cake for our tough guy but when that 18th birthday comes along, young max is suddenly gonna be bubba's little shower room romance...

...i inadvertently hadda drive by his alma mater, redwood high school today & i thought to myself - "...holy shit, that dude was trippin' !!!"...

hey all I'm from Australia and I'm visiting New york for a few days. I'd love to hire a bike a cycle around (is there any good cycle maps?) or join a tour.. can you guys recommend any stores that hire out bikes or do great tours?

dear bike snob - i came across your may 1st post on "curbside haiku" and read the comment section. one entry, at may 1, 2:23pm, portends to be from "John Morse." i am John Morse, the creator of the project, and this comment is not from me. may i respectfully request that you delete the comment (and please not publish this comment/request)?

if you need confirmation of this post's identity, please feel free to contact my studio at 404 405-7055, visit my studio website at www.stardogstudio.com, or write to the studio director at ross@stardogstudio.com.

btw i found your writing terrific and the comments some of the more witty i've seen on a blog -- nice class of readers. and, for the record, i think your photos/illos are cool.

I was searching on line for some information since yesterday night and I ultimately found this! This is a cool website by the way, except it is a little bit off place from my i phone. Styles of cheap oakley sunglasses are very popular.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!