It's up to you

These days, it's unusual if a dad isn't at the birth. For most couples, being together is what feels right.

"I can't imagine I could have having been anywhere else when Poppy was born," says Steve, a dad of two. "It was an amazing privilege, something I'll never forget. I wouldn't have missed it for anything."

But not everyone feels the same. Stella, who's 38 and pregnant with her third child, knows her partner Andy, 41, isn't particularly keen on attending another birth. Instead, she's asked her sister to be there. This takes the pressure off Andy so he can decide on the day whether or not to attend. He'll be around for their other two children, too, if he opts to stay at home.

"I was at the births of my son and daughter, but to be honest I felt a bit of a spare part," says Andy. "I didn't feel it was any easier for Stella that I was around. In some ways, I think it was harder, especially afterwards when she was being stitched. She felt so exposed and wasn't happy about me being there.

"These days, there's this feeling that you're not a decent bloke if you're not at the birth," continues Andy. "To me, that doesn't seem fair. It's an individual thing and it doesn't suit every couple."

Talk about what you want

It's important to talk as a couple about your expectations of the birth, and about what a dad's role should beat the big event. If you feel anxious that too much is being expected of you, suggest having a second birth partner there, too. It could be a friend or family member, or a paid doula.

Just having the fallback of another birth partner can be hugely helpful for some dads-to-be. "I was worried that I'd faint or not be any help, and that I'd let Lucy down," says Sean, father of four-week-old Ella. "Having Lucy's sister there meant I didn't feel all the supporting was down to me. I felt I could be emotional and take a bit of a back seat for a while without feeling I'd failed, because Emma was still there with Lucy."

What are the good things about being at the birth?

"It was just such a wonderful moment when Sammy was born," says Colin. "We'd waited a long time for a baby. Nothing in my life can compare with seeing my son for the first time at the exact moment he came into the world."

Even when birth doesn't go to plan, few dads regret being there. Philip, 37, father of seven-month-old Ben, was shocked when the delivery room suddenly filled with medical staff. He was told it was going to be an assisted birth – possibly even a caesarean. "In the end Ben was born using rotational forceps, a procedure which really took its toll on Karen," he says.

"It wasn't easy being there," Philip recalls. "I felt I wanted to share Karen's physical pain, which of course I couldn't. But despite the trauma, it was a magical experience. Also, because of what she'd been through, Karen wasn't able to hold Ben at first. Me being there meant he could be cuddled by one of his parents as soon as he was born. That's something I'll always feel glad I could do."

For Steve, being at Poppy's birth brought home what an extraordinary physical feat birth is, and how resilient human beings can be. "There was screaming and pain and blood, but it wasn't some horrible emergency," he says. "It was all leading towards this wonderful event. It made me so aware of how strong a woman is, to push a baby out. And of how strong a baby is, to survive being squeezed through the birth canal. Amazing!"

What are the difficult things about being at the birth?

Nina Smith is an antenatal teacher who has studied the role of men in the delivery room. She says the hardest challenge is seeing your partner in pain and not being able to do anything about it. "Of course, there are things you can try, and often it's small things that make a difference," she says. "But it takes confidence to try them, and that isn't easy – especially for the first-time dad."

Lots of dads say what they find tough in the early stages is not knowing exactly what they can do to help. "I ended up feeling pretty useless," says Andy. "Stella was obviously in pain and needing some help, but I just didn't know what I could do to make things better. The midwife had some ideas, but nothing seemed to be working. I felt lame, really."

One of the most difficult things for dads to deal with is when events take an unexpected turn. Sometimes everything seems to change very quickly, with doctors and other medical staff pouring into the room and scary possibilities being discussed.

"We'd been to antenatal classes, so I knew I was supposed to keep my cool," says Ed, father of eight-month-old Cameron. "I was supposed to ask all sorts of questions about what was being done and why. But when the lights went on and the doctor started saying we had to get into the theatre quickly, that all went out the window. My legs turned to jelly and I just prayed both Caroline and our baby were going to get through this alive."

Many dads describe hair-raising scenarios in which they feared for the lives of their partner and unborn baby. Andrew, dad to four-week-old Oliver, explains how Tanya's longed-for low-tech delivery at a birth centre took a dramatic turn. "Everything was fine for a few hours," he says. "The contractions were building up and Tanya was coping well. But her cervix wouldn't dilate fully and the midwife said we'd have to transfer to the hospital 25 kilometres away.

"It was really scary. I wasn't allowed in the ambulance, so I had to go in the car on my own," Andrew continues. "When we got to some road works, the ambulance siren started up and they pulled ahead, leaving me in the traffic jam. I was thinking the worst, wondering whether they'd both still be alive by the time I got to the hospital."

What can I do to prepare to be at our baby's birth?

Preparation is crucial. It won't stop the unexpected, and it won't mean you breeze through whatever happens. But it will mean you're more aware of the possibilities involved in labour and birth. It could also give you the confidence to try to help your partner cope with contractions.

"To be honest I felt a bit daft practising rubbing Cathy's back during our antenatal course," says Paul, father of 14-month-old Freddie. "But strange as it was at the time, it did give me some ideas of things to try during labour. Part of it is just daring to do something. You're so afraid of making things worse that the easy option is to do nothing and leave the midwife to suggest things."

If at all possible, join your partner in an antenatal course run organised by your hospital or by an active birth teacher. Some courses are for couples. Others are just for mums-to-be, but these usually include a couples' session, so make sure you attend this.

Another important thing is not to put off reading about labour and what to expect. It really does make a difference if you understand what happens during each stage of labour by the time you get to the delivery room.

New dads' tips: what you need to know

"Tanya was very keen on the birth centre, and I'm not saying it wasn't a good idea. But I wish I'd thought more about its limitations, and had some idea of what would happen if we needed to transfer to the hospital. I'd say find out all you can about every scenario imaginable." Andrew

"Emily had had a previous caesarean and the hospital doctor recommended that Emily shouldn't have a homebirth. But it was what Emily wanted, and we did our research about possible risks involved. In the end the midwives supported us and we got the birth we wanted. I'd say find out what you need to know, and surround yourselves with supportive people. And do consider hiring a doula. We did, and it was like employing an angel!"Steve

"The staff were excellent, but there was a ruthless efficiency about it all for them. It was a bit of a shock for me alongside the emotion I was feeling. To anyone else about to become a dad, I'd simply say: expect the unexpected."Philip

"The key message is: be flexible. Be willing to try something, but be ready for rejection if it's not what's needed. Don't take it personally if your partner's reaction is to push you away."Nina Smith

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