Disclaimer:
Sailormoon is not mine, but is the property of Takeuchi Naoko and the
companies that represent her. This fic is rated R (or M) for language
and implied sexual references. You have been forewarned. This was a
short story written last summer that I've just now decided to publish
a month ago. It's the first Sailormoon item I've released in at least
three years.

oOoOo

In
the beginning, the universe began with an infusion of energy that
caused an explosion that humans would later term as "The Big
Bang."

Trillions
upon trillions of years after that split second, the universe is almost dead.

It
is now in what is called The Dark Era, where there is nothing left.
All protons have decayed and the phenomeon known as black hole are
almost completely evaporated. The only energy generated now is
through neutrinos, electrons, positrons, and photons of enormous
wavelengths in this vast, empty blackness.

And
there is also her.

And
me.

We
were formed not long after the universe began - the forces necessary
to create humanity and other forms of intelligent life that have
lived throughout the years. For millions of years, we were nothing
but opposing waves of energy, fighting at each other for control.
Sometimes, she had the upperhand. At others, it was me.

I
have distant memories - of being a young girl with hair tied in
odango, carefree and easy-going. A name and a voice keep me sustained
during these dark times.

I
drift alone where planets once stood. It seems surreal, as if they
were never there to begin with. But, they were. In one form or
another, I walked on nearly every solid planet that could sustain in
the universe.

But
that was years ago, so long ago that I can't even begin to count it.
But, in this age, much like the universe in the beginning, time slips
by like sand cascading into an hourglass. Soon, it will be over. And
from then, who knows what will happen?

A
quick flash of light shot at me and I instantly dodged, flinging back
a ray of energy myself. "Back off, bitch," I snarled.

Then
I was in darkness once more.

My
name is Sailor Cosmos.

I
was here when the universe began.

I
will be here when it ends.

And
damn it to hell, when it goes down, I'm taking that bitch - Sailor
Chaos - with me.

oOoOo

Legend
has it that Chaos originally existed before I did in the universe.
Chaos, they said, was the confused nothingness that made up the
universe. A descendant of Chaos was supposedly Love - that being me.
The legends have it wrong, but who left to lament this slight lapse
of interpretation to? There are no humans. They died out trillions of
years ago. The last form of intelligent life was sacrificed into a
black hole just a few billion years ago.

I
heard their screams as they died - sucked into the afterlife against
their will.

It
was at that point I had fled, taken form of a little girl and gone
back into the past to one of my reincarnations that I knew had faced
Chaos before. If she could break the cauldron that was her home, then
the universe wouldn't end, right? I wouldn't have to see world after
world sacrificed and everything that I care for be torn away from me
again and again.

It
cycled over and over. My love, my family and friends would be torn
away from me, only to be reborn in another body and another life.
Eventually, they would waken and we would be together in a doomed
paradise. Eventually, they would be taken away, one by one.

As I
oversaw the passing of the very last, I knew my heart couldn't take
it any longer.

"I
will end it now," I addressed the twin spirits of Sailors Saturn
and Pluto. "Lend me your strength and I will take her out now."

"It
is not in your fate to do that," Saturn informed me.

"You
must live until the end of time," Pluto added. "It is your
destiny."

"What
sort of destiny curses me to live in a sea of blackness until the end
of time?" I yelled at them. "What if time never ends? I'll
be alone forever!"

"Time
will end," Saturn said.

"But,
time also begins again," Pluto said.

My
hands curled into fists and I cursed the tears that rolled down my
cheeks. "Then, I will kill myself."

"You
won't die. You'll simply be reborn again. Your time has not ended
yet. Ours has. You will see us again," Saturn replied.

With
that, they combined the last of their spirit energy into a large
staff. The moment I took hold of that staff, I felt the change come
over me. I left my latest form of life and evolved into the state I
am now in - Sailor Cosmos.

I
held the staff in both hands, the familiar weight somewhat
comforting. Once upon a time, I told Chibimoon's guardians that when
Eternal Sailormoon gained courage in herself and everything once more
that she would become Sailor Cosmos. The courage isn't a problem. The
loneliness, the uncertainity is.

And
despite my trip to the past, it was something that I could never
quite let go of.

There
was no going back. I used all of the time energy in the staff to make
my little jaunt back to the 20th century. In a sense, it helped to
speed up the end of the universe because of the vast amount of energy
that I used. No matter how much I try, I can't avoid my own death,
finally after trillions of years. I once thought it would never come.

But,
as the stars die out one by one, I realized I better get used to the
concept in a hurry.

oOoOo

The
Bible has a line, that "there is a time to be born, and a time
to die." Ecclesiastes 3:2. Throughout the endless years of time,
that book was the one that endured. It's funny in a way. I certainly
did not grow up Christian. Japan, back in the era I loved, was a
country guided largely by Buddhism.

Their
approach to death was pretty different.

Buddhists
believe that death is a breaking apart of the body's physical form.
It's not an ending, but a beginning, monks stressed. A common example
is the use of candles to signalify the ending and beginning of life.
When the flame of one candle is touched to the wick of the second, it
is responsible for bringing life to said candle. Death is merely the
gateway to rebirth in another realm.

I
wondered what the monks considered would ever happen when the last
candle goes out.

I
concentrate and with my staff, form a small pocket in the vast
universe. From it, I take an extremely old book, one that I manage to
keep in good repair with the manipulation of the remaining particles
of energy that I can get my hands on. It is one of the few physical
objects that I own, the ones that are also dissipating due to the
lack of available particles to keep them together.

I
was not a Christian. But, in an odd sense, the Christian Bible
comforts me. I toy with the cracked leather binding and think back to
the moment that humans invented the use of the printing press.
Gutenburg chose to use the Bible as his inital project, an attempt to
spread the good word to the uneducated masses. The one I hold is
probably its grandchild to the trillionth time. It was salvaged from
one of the last planets to survive until the black holes decimated
all life forms.

It's
amazing, what means that intelligent lifeforms took to comfort
themselves with their impending deaths. They had no way to wonder
what was waiting for them in the afterlife, so they speculated. They
hoped and they prayed.

I
wonder if humanity would had survived if they had glimpsed the
eternal blackness that has become my hell.

I
flipped through the book of Revelations, one of humanity's attempts
to predict the darkness of the times to come.

"Then
I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the
first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw
the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God,
prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard
a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is
with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and
God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every
tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or
crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

I
read this aloud, not to hear my voice echoing in the dark, but
because such things deserve to be read aloud. Although, I do suppose
that this is my way of keeping myself sane.

No
more death. No mourning, no crying, no pain. I suppose the Bible got
it right in some regards. I gazed about the stillness. None of that
existed because no one existed. In a sense, it never did. But, it had
to exist, right? The proof is in the book that I hold. But, what
happens when the book goes? When I go? I tip my head back and allow
the tips of my twin tails of hair to tickle the back of my legs. When
I close my eyes for the final time and give up the fight, what will
happen? Does the universe cease to exist and all there exists is an
empty void that will last forever and ever?

In
all manners of religion, in languages that are too numerous to count,
I have heard the same thing over and over again - I will see my
family again. I will see my lover, my daughter, my friends. No matter
what, I've always held onto that hope in my heart. Prophecy even says
that I will see them again.

Perhaps
they are together now, in a land of paradise. "No longer will
there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the
city, and his servants will serve him." I recite this from
memory, my fingers rubbing the book. "They will see his face,
and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night.
They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for
the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and
ever."

What
if there is no God? What if there is no celestial being that holds
life over all? What if I simply cease to be and that is it? Then,
what have I lived for? What have I died for, repeatedly since the
beginning of time? What is the purpose of the universe if there's no
place to go once it dies? When I die, does it mean that Chaos won?
Or, does it mean that I did?

I
felt movement and I glanced down to see the ancient book separate,
particle by particle, into the nothingness that it once was. I cry
out and do my best to repair it one more time, but the rare
wavelengths of energy elude me as I try to piece together the binding
one more time. Eventually, it dissolves and goes back into the
nothingness that it once was - the last record of human thought and
wisdom gone to the ages.

I
wept.

oOoOo

Once
upon a time, I was a girl known as Tsukino Usagi.

My
hair was twisted into odango, much like the ones I wear now.

She
was clumsy, lazy, carefree, whiny, and oh-so-gloriously normal.

She
had a family, friends and a man that loved her very, very much.

"Mamo-chan."

The
syllables echo through space, almost a wispy sigh. I place my hand to
my throat and swallow. It's been years since I've ceased needing to
breathe oxygen and could absorb the gasses that float through time to
keep me alive. My voice is dying, I realize. I am dying.

I
close my eyes and will the impending death away. But, with death
comes an end to the loneliness that I've carried for the majority of
my life - with the exception of Chaos. We are heaven and hell, the
sun and the moon, yin and yang. She, in all essence, is my balance.

But,
Chaos isn't my love.

It's
strange. I haven't remembered my years as Usagi in several millenia.
Yet, they're now flooding back, like watching an old black and white
filmstrip set to a soundtrack generated from a pipe organ.

"Usako."

My
eyes flutter open, and I swear, just for a moment, that I heard him.
But, I know that it can't be him. He is dead, part of the dust that
expands through the universe.

"Mamo-chan,"
I weep, tears rolling down my cheeks. If I try hard enough, I can see
him.

His
hair was as black as the night that surrounds me, his eyes as blue as
the sky that once shielded Earth from the sun. His lips...my fingers
touched my lips. His lips were soft, yet firm. The feeling rushes
back, that of being weak, yet strong. I tilt my head back, imaging
the caress as it smoothes down my body and under the folds of my
skirt.

When
was the last time I had felt this? I can feel him moving over me, his
touch awakening parts of my body I though were asleep. My hand is not
my own, it's his. It touches the one part on my body that makes me
cry out and throw my head back in ecstasy. I want to lose myself. I
want it to all go away. It's me and my phantom lover, keeping me sane
on the edge of a universe that won't stop from plunging to its doom -
not even for me.

And,
just as fast as the feeling came, it slipped away. Consciousness
returned and I slid my hand from under my skirt. I did not achieve
the nirvana that I had reached so often with him during my life.
Before the universe ended...just one more time...I felt that I
could...

"Asleep
on the job, aren't we?" Chaos' taunting voice shook me from my
stupor and I whirled around, staff poised to launch an attack. "You
are such a pathetic, mortal wimp, Cosmos."

"If
I was mortal, I'd be nothing more than the dust you're disturbing
with your prescence right now, Chaos."

"Ah,
but, don't you forget, Cosmos-chan? Soon, you will be of this dust as
well." Chaos held her hands together and fired off an attack at
me. I immediately countered and shot back a ball of light of my own.
It dissipated before it could touch her.

"You
can't run, Cosmos! There's nowhere for you to run to!" Chaos
shouted after me. "All that is left is you and me! Then,
there'll be nothing!"

oOoOo

Humans
developed several theories about the end of the universe. Two of them
centered around the open universe - that once the Big Bang occured,
the universe would spread infinitely, even when all matter has
ceased. This was known as the Big Chill.

A
third possibility centered around a boomerang theory of sorts. This
one envisioned a closed universe, one that would expand only so far,
then collapse in on itself. When it reduced to one single, dense dot,
a Big Bang would occur once more, and the universe would begin again.
This was known as the Big Crunch.

Faith
originated when the first intelligent lifeforms realized how vast the
universe was, and how lucky they were to survive in it. It's such a
simple concept, to believe in a higher being than yourself. I
sometimes wonder what caused such a miracle, such as life, to happen.

"Don't
you know?" Sailor Pluto mentioned as we sat having tea during
the time I was known as Queen Serenity. "You were the one who
caused life to happen."

"That's
silly," I replied. "I was born a simple girl in the 20th
century. How could I start life?"

"You
know that you threw yourself into the cauldron because there is a
need for chaos in the universe," Pluto explained. "Chaos is
the darkness of the universe. But, what creates the light? Light is
needed for humanity and other forms of intelligent beings to form and
flourish. As Sailor Cosmos, you provide that light."

Well,
it seems that Pluto was wrong. I snorted and stared around me. If I
was the one that caused life, then where was it? If I had my way,
life would always flourish.

"There
is a time to be born, and a time to die."

The
words fall from my lips before I realize that I've spoke them. I
close my eyes and felt like stompinga way - except for there's really
no good place to stomp in space. So, I pouted. I will not go gently
into that gentle good night, or however that poet termed it. I am a
Sailor Senshi. I will fight until my very last breath is taken.

And,
then what? What happens when I win?

I
turn back in the direction I fled. Like it or not, Sailor Chaos was
another being in the universe with me. If I kill her, I'll be alone.

The
thought nearly cripples me and I drop my staff as I hunch over,
dragging in breath after breath as panic nearly consumes me. Tears
leak out of my eyes and my heart feels like it's going to tear apart.
I don't want to be left alone in this dark emptiness forever! What
would the point be to my existance?

My
eyes open and I see my staff slipping toward a black hole. I dive for
it and manage to latch onto it just before it gets caught in the
massive gravitational pull. I sail back up into a safer patch of the
universe, feeling my way around. The black holes are growing bigger.
Soon, there won't be any safe haven for me to hover in.

I
suppose those who said that universe was an open one got it right.

I
rub my hands over my weary face. I am tired. Maybe it's time for me
to end this fight. I tilt my head back and open my eyes.

Maybe
there's no more life because I stopped believing in life.

Maybe
the universe is dying because somewhere along the way, I lost faith
in it.

"To
have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of
the things we cannot see," I recited the words from Hebrews 11.

If I
had enough faith, would the universe be born again?

Well,
things certainly can't be any worse than they are now.

At
worst, I will be alone - just as I prophecized.

At
best, I will be with my loved ones again.

Somewhere
in between. It's up to those who allow me to exist to decide that.

I
open my universal pocket and take from it, the last physical object I
own. It's one that's been with me for a long time. Determined, I take
off toward Chaos.

She
seems me coming and knows that something is different. This time, she
is the one that runs. But, I catch her, using a noose made out of
neutrinos and a wavelength of electrons. I latch onto her.

I'm
going to die.

But
damn it, she's coming with me.

"SILVER
MOON CRYSTAL POWER!" I yell, thrusting the brooch I hold into
the air.

It's
the last thing I remembered...

oOoOo

I
open my eyes and gaze across the spread of space and time. I see her
looking back with me - my twin, my nemesis. And we feel the rush of
the universe as it cools and expands.

And
we smile.

What
do you know? The third theory about the universe was the right one
after all.

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.