Sunday, May 27, 2012

No Heartbeat

Here is where our baby news got not so great. Here is where it got weird.

On Friday, we went to get our follow-up sono to look closely at the organs, especially the heart and its chambers. I was prepared for Paisley to have some issues. I didn't think she did, but I was preparing myself for that. Mike was pretty nervous. We got some really bad news about our house buying situation right before we got to the hospital (where their office is). Mike mentioned on the way up in the elevator that we had received bad house news right before our last appointment and then that went awful as well.

We got to the office and I asked to see our results from last time because of the weird baby news we received last time. The receptionist said we could ask the dr and although I know I am completely allowed to look at my file I was not going to start anything so I left it at that.

We went to the back and the sono started. The tech said, "Ok, we are going to be getting lots of measurements today." She started with her head for some crazy reason. I saw Paisley's body on the way to the head and didn't see a heartbeat, but it was a really quick transition from body to only head. Maybe the tech saw that, too. I asked if we could move on to the body and see a heartbeat. I said, "I am just kind of paranoid." She replied, "That's understandable." But yet she moved on to her legs!! I was getting pretty upset and antsy. She didn't care. So I asked, "Did you see a heartbeat?" She then showed us her stomach/chest... I saw no heart flickering, again. So I asked again and she replied that she was not allowed to tell us either way, but that the dr would be in soon.

To say that I freaked out is a complete understatement. I knew that she could tell me. They are so quick to point out "And here's her heartbeat." Always. Except when there isn't one.

I announced to Mike and Kassidy that she was dead. I thought that I had seen her leg jump out, but I think it was from her moving my stomach around. That was the only hope I had. Her measurements should have taken at least 10 more minutes and the whole I can't show you the heartbeat thing was so not true. We all started crying and I immediately regretted saying it because I guess I still wanted to hope and I felt kind of cruel for saying it I guess.

The dr came in and started talking. I didn't care what he had to say. I just interrupted and asked if my baby had a heartbeat. He said, "No, I'm so sorry." He gave me a hug. A great hug with me bawling in his arms. He was much older (over 65 like my midwife told me) and very sweet. He showed us her body and her heartbeat-less heart. She was just laying there. Dead. Lifeless.

I asked if there was anything we could have done or did and he told us that there was two things he wanted us to remember always:
1) there was nothing that we did to cause this
and I think 2) there was no way to prevent it

He went on to say that it was probably related to what the first dr had told us about her having a chromosomal disorder. I pointed out that those were not the results that came to our midwife. I don't really know what he said. So much of it was going in and out. He probably didn't even know what I was talking about. I was in too much pain and shock to fight about it... to demand to know why we were told two different things and regained so much hope for our baby.

We never thought we would hear those words. It was the last thing for me to ever think would happen at 17 weeks. I thought we were in the clear as far as life and death went. I knew there might be issues. We would get through them, but she would be alive.