Killah Jitzutag:typepad.com,2003:weblog-3035392013-01-08T21:25:17-05:00The Art Of GivingTypePadBusiness Timetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017c359edb3e970b2013-01-08T21:25:17-05:002013-01-08T21:25:17-05:00Tonight I rolled with 5 guys and dominated four. The fifth, a tie. It is this last one that has me worried. I've lost 5 of my last 5 tournament fights by very close margins. Some were nearly ties. The...JJ Edwards

Tonight I rolled with 5 guys and dominated four. The fifth, a tie. It is this last one that has me worried. I've lost 5 of my last 5 tournament fights by very close margins. Some were nearly ties. The ties used to drive me insane. So close, over and over, yet never winning. I must suck.

But a lot happens in 9 months. I got two stripes on my purple belt. Time to quit fucking around and get on the ball. So I designed a weight training circuit, made sure my training partners are on the mat when I am, and mat time is Business Time, people. No chit chat. No easy rolling. Moment by moment, Business Time was in effect. And I did what I did best: alter time and reality so that my opponents were drawn in, unable to resist. I can see the finish, the outcome I predicted all along. My beat, my tempo, all of this dominates. (Which looks like they want to dance my dance, then they get choked or swept). Except for that one tie. Clearly, reality has some work to do.

The Approachtag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017ee7422dcd970d2013-01-07T21:22:52-05:002013-01-07T21:22:52-05:00A quick visit to Ohio this weekend. My grandparents are really old and I don't want to face that, to really be with that. They can barely walk with a walker or cane. They have trouble seeing, and hearing. They...JJ Edwards

A quick visit to Ohio this weekend.

My grandparents are really old and I don't want to face that, to really be with that. They can barely walk with a walker or cane. They have trouble seeing, and hearing. They forget to use words that make what they are trying to say specific, turning a sharp map pin into felty balls of meaning. Yet their personalities are completely intact. It's as if their selves spring from the same inner source, but they cannot approach anything.

A lot of emotions and thoughts well up in me, mostly guilt for not being with them much over the last two years. Almost predictable, I know. Guilty long distance grandson comes home for a few days. But it was there nonetheless so I didn't fight it.

Ohio Visits have always been my ultimate safe space. I could go home, back to fields of unshakeable potential energy, fields of the future, and be a child again. My family could take care of me, of my meals and the cleaning, and by extension, my happiness. I never got that opportunity to live in that dream this time. The roles are reversed, and they relied on me for what they wanted: a car trip to a restaurant, a hot meal, entertainment outside of their friends and their television. It was dizzyingly disorienting the first two days but now I get it. The leader they've always said I was is now being called center stage, whether I like it or not.

Called tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017c359ed98c970b2013-01-03T21:24:20-05:002013-01-03T21:24:20-05:00I taught my students their fifth class. They are all children learning Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. There are so many things between me and kids. Things I put there. They're not mine. They are Manhattan Kids, which mean clever and demanding...JJ Edwards

I taught my students their fifth class. They are all children learning Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

There are so many things between me and kids. Things I put there. They're not mine. They are Manhattan Kids, which mean clever and demanding for their age, schooled in navigating the millions of people in the city. They are Manhattan Kids, meaning: wealthy and accustomed to the wealth of the city. They are terrible listeners but great demanders. No discipline.

Of course, all that is crap. My students are kids who after spending 5 minutes with me got who I was and started intensely listening to everything I said. Like anyone who is inspired, they can see their Future Selves in me. Like anyone who is inspiring, I am listening for what they want and showing them the path to that. Kids don't complicate being inspired, and it is a magical experience each time. They call me to be my best. They called me to life today.

Conjuretag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017d3f72426f970c2013-01-03T08:18:23-05:002013-01-03T08:18:23-05:00“You are taking on too much. That is part of the problem.” The entire morning’s upset disappeared with this advice. Until I read those words, I had been defending my existence from phantoms, shadows, and implications I had effectively created...JJ Edwards

“You are taking on too much. That is part of the problem.”

The entire morning’s upset disappeared with this advice. Until I read those words, I had been defending my existence from phantoms, shadows, and implications I had effectively created from a few client emails. I am as good as anyone at creating meaning where none exists, but this morning I outdid myself. It will stand as a monument to human meaning-making. The layers of subtlety will astound everyone. Operas will be written about it. A future age could then worship the operas main character, forgetting the original grain of sand at the center of a massive pearl.

Client asks for help troubleshooting our work process, I conjure storm clouds. Lucky for us all, that future will never exist.

Slap Yo Mamatag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017c35374266970b2013-01-01T22:11:44-05:002013-01-01T22:11:44-05:00Escarole. I made a soup today with ham bone, white beans, and escarole. It was like I created a pot of love in my kitchen. Complete with a splash of white pepper Slap Ya Mama spicy salt. This was my...JJ Edwards
<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><p> Escarole. I made a soup today with ham bone, white beans, and escarole. It was like I created a pot of love in my kitchen. Complete with a splash of white pepper Slap Ya Mama spicy salt. This was my greatest act of writing today.</p>
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And We All Livetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017c351f8f57970b2012-12-29T23:41:18-05:002012-12-29T23:42:41-05:00Some of my best writing today: the outline of how to design an acoustically isolated workout studio that plays loud music, via email, to folks in London. And an invoice. Then, I trained. We took video and slowed our games...JJ Edwards
<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><p>Some of my best writing today: the outline of how to design an acoustically isolated workout studio that plays loud music, via email, to folks in London. And an invoice. </p>
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<p>Then, I trained. We took video and slowed our games down. I stayed in the moment and went to town on my mistakes. I tightened my game. I took out some fundamental errors in my approach to passing guard. I stopped being lazy about my jiu jitsu voice, because the others on the mat can tell and it slows their game down too. I will never rest on my belt color, never stop learning, never think of my game as fixed and done. That's the only way to keep my jiu jitsu alive. And when it's alive, others learn how to learn. And we all live. Good night. </p>
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Write Every Momenttag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017ee6ba015e970d2012-12-28T16:54:19-05:002012-12-28T16:54:19-05:00So. I'm writing every day now. Which means I look to capture writing experiences. Unlike years ago, I have so many experiences that move me every day, it is almost like I have, each day, accumulated a book. A lifetime...JJ Edwards

So. I'm writing every day now. Which means I look to capture writing experiences. Unlike years ago, I have so many experiences that move me every day, it is almost like I have, each day, accumulated a book. A lifetime of writing in a day. A universe of happenings that can be brought back to life, or turned. Untread possibilities that are simple to fulfill with words.

Unlike years ago, I stay in the moment. The possibility of writing about now never intrudes on now. It's kind of awesome and you should try it. The city is yours to command if you do. Everyone else is so distracted.

I rolled with some visiting Brazilian black belts tonight. They remembered me from 2009 when we last rolled. I felt like a white belt against them. Their game was so different. The doors I usually open effortlessly had disappeared. My ability to dominate equally gone. One was exactly my size and his game was just familiar enough for me to know, in the moment, that I had no counter game. For the first time today I stopped being in the moment and went back to old habits, surviving the fight, giving up on creating new pathways. I started to think as he move fluidly around my body: he is so young, my body hurts so much, I know almost nothing, why did Professor promote me anyway? All the while being choked. I noticed it immediately. It persisted for a minute and then I cut it out and got out of the choke. I started playing again and my partner was delighted. This is not the little minx from 2002. There is no second guessing or doubt. I'm a purple belt second degree under a legend in jiu jitsu and the new year 2013 is upon me. I gave up my right to stop in the middle of the action a long time ago.

How To Writetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e2017d3f380aea970c2012-12-26T22:57:31-05:002012-12-26T22:57:31-05:00There you are. Words. It is raining and snowing and carrying on outside. The vinyl windows being tappity tapped over and over. Marbles falling. No. That’s stupid. It sounds like mulch being sprinkled from the roof, beating against cheap windows,...JJ Edwards

There you are. Words.

It is raining and snowing and carrying on outside. The vinyl windows being tappity tapped over and over. Marbles falling. No. That’s stupid. It sounds like mulch being sprinkled from the roof, beating against cheap windows, as if the whole of my favorite lawn and garden store was occupying itself on a winter holiday night. At me house. They added a bit of whistling wind in the distance, a sound from central casting prop recordings (not stocked at the lawn and garden store), for the sonic depth of Nor’Easter Night. Yet the mulch never gets in and I'm under a blankie, and my K-dog is acting as my armrest and my arm warmer right now, and I found a screen to write on again, so ha ha lawn and garden. Try again some other night. Romance blooms again on my sofa. Words are here.

The Pulltag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e20176167b464e970c2012-07-15T17:07:51-04:002012-07-15T17:36:23-04:00I stopped writing for a bit. A while. Years. So many things got in the way. Being an architect. Love. Marriage. Coaching. Leading. Writing other things. Brazilian jiu jitsu. Tournaments. Purple belt. Brasilia. Mexico. Canada. San Francisco. Head coach. Possibility....JJ Edwards

Somehow, living my expanded life had me doing something else besides writing here. Which is okay. I was being who I needed to be. But the book changed all that.

The first impetus for my writing was so simple. Call the world, tell it about me and what I see. Now, over a deacde later, the world (or, the people I know) calls me, asking "who are you, and what is it you see?". When that first happened I could not be with it. I thought that was not me. But the people I know have summarily disagreed with what I think about myself so I gave up resisting them.

So I write now. Constantly. On the mat. During a meeting. While gardening. It isn't because of my experiences. It isn't a memoir of my deeds or insights. Rather, it is like a call from the future. The gravitational pull for discovering what we are capable of.

I won't write about the call or what we are capable of. If you really stop and think about it, you already know everything about those.

The pull, however, is another matter. We have a lot to examine, here.

Night Work We Didtag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00d8345184ad69e20168ea2342a8970c2011-03-08T22:30:00-05:002011-03-08T22:30:00-05:00You gotta keep on moving Remember This is what you asked for That night work we did a few months back. Or was it last summer. Whatever. It was slicky and happy, like when I was 10 way back when...JJ Edwards

You gotta keep on moving

Remember

This is what you asked for

That night work we did a few months back. Or was it last summer. Whatever. It was slicky and happy, like when I was 10 way back when in the East Village, dancing with Jason when he was a waiter at that restaurant all my friends worked with. Except us dancing is way not that, because you and I are just side by side partners. Sometimes I forget what you look like. That is a good thing. I know you’re there, like I know my breath is there when I go at it with some huge guy on the mat. I never think about you. You’re in my life. It’s weird never being alone anymore, but that’s only when I think about it, which was all of right now for the first time I thought that.