Saturday, October 23, 2010

I have been reciting my mantra like a woman crazed. It hasn't left my mind for more than an hour at a time. Each time a negative thought pops into my head, immediately I think, "I am getting lighter and leaner every day." I try to internalize it, to feel it, to visualize myself leaner and taking up less space. Part of my heart feels empty and sad as I do this, as if I am the disillusioned Margaret chanting "I must, I must, I must increase my bust," while doing my chest exercises. (Did anyone else read this book as a young girl?) But then I try to combat that emptiness with hope. I am still not weighing daily as a way to combat the negativity if there is no daily change, or worse, if there are intermittent gains.

I find myself better embracing the changes I am undergoing as we go along. I've not ever been too fond of grocery shopping, but I kind of like looking for new healthy challenges to add to my repertoire. And, I have to admit, I puff up a little bit as I push my healthy cart through the store. The workouts, well, I love to workout, so that is good, as always. Weight used for each movement is increasing over the weeks, which is good. I have stopped stressing over someone else having control over their direction and instead embraced their knowledge and wisdom.

I suppose, in a nutshell, I am embracing the changes in habits and finally relaxing a little and hoping the visual changes will come. The little green monster does occasionally creep into my world, though, as I read about others who have had these wonderful losses. I want what they have--progress. But each person's progress is her own.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Back from a great weekend! Being around other fitness-minded people is so nice for a while--especially when they are fitness minded but not full of themselves but instead all about teaching others the way of fitness. This RKC in Orlando was held at ESPN's Wide World of Sports Complex where they took great care of us. Fortunately they had a huge tent under which we were able to do the majority of the things we did. We had a great group not only of Team Leaders and Assistants but also of candidates. I had the honor of having Brett Jones be my team leader and Ryan Blackburn and Antonia Cordova be my fellow assistants.I was able to get all my workouts in despite being out of pocket for a few days. I also got in all my veggies even though I wasn't able to eat exactly every 3-4 hours. I did get in 4-5 feedings per day; they just weren't spaced exactly right.Here are some shots from the weekend. I have to admit. I am a bit disappointed with how I look, but I keep repeating my mantra, "I am lighter and leaner every day." I did this a lot this weekend as I frequently had feelings of inadequacy looking around at all the athletic beautiful women. And I am truly lighter and leaner. I had a 2 pound weight loss when I weighed in this week. Oh! I almost forgot to mention my new acquisitions from the weekend: another 20kg bell AND 2 24 kg kettlebells, my heaviest yet.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Today on one of the Lean Eating logs one of the coaches posted a little piece of wisdom that really hit home with me.

"How would you like to work really really hard and have someone crap on you? It sucks, right? Now imagine your body as that person who toils away thanklessly, day after day. It loves you and wants you to survive. Spend a few minutes with it and say thanks."--Krista Scott-Dixon

I try to be particularly vocal of my gratitude toward the people in my life. In general, I feel like voicing one's gratitude is not only the right thing to do, but I think it is good for the souls of both parties. Recognizing another's contribution to one's life increases one's appreciation of it, and in turn makes the other person feel appreciated. So, I try very hard to be grateful and to show that I am grateful. That I would be such a horrible ingrate to myself is not only ironic but tragic, but I am. I see little more than disappointment when I look in the mirror. I am over-analytical and harsh. I can look in the mirror and be thankful for my dear hubby who loves me regardless. And more often than not, when I see that reflection and am disappointed in it, my next immediate thought is of how fortunate I am to have a husband who sees me with love-blurred vision. Reading Krista's words, however, started my day off differently today.

Today, I spent the day trying to be thankful--of myself. I am always, each and every moment, thankful to the point of tears for my life in general. I am quite literally the most fortunate/blessed woman on the planet. I am, not, however, very thankful for my body in the way that I should be. I look at and focus on its faults and disappointments. How wrong of me! Look at what my body can do...what it does for me! It allows me to live an independent, mobile, active life. I do not struggle to complete simple daily tasks. I am flexible and strong. I can roll around on the ground and take pictures or pull a patient up in bed by myself. This past spring I taught my nieces how to turn cartwheels. I am not limited in what I want to do by any physical weaknesses. I am 37-years-old, and I don't even think about my age being a crutch. Patients I see and people I work with practically have themselves in the grave by the time they're 35! How inconsiderate of me to think so poorly of this body that does so well by me! I would be so pissed if anyone talked to a friend the way that I talk to my body. So it changes. From here on out, my body is my bestest friend.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Today is my first night back to work for a four day stretch, after a glorious 3 days off. I slept well today then got up for a great workout. I'm "greasing the groove" a little bit with turkish get-ups for my RKC retest next week, so I did a few of those. Then I got to the meat of the workout with swings, snatches, and burpees. Felt good.Yesterday's upper body workout was solid as well. I pushed my weights up on a few of the exercises as compared to last week. I've decided that I need to err on the side of heavier at first because I surprise myself with what I am able to do. Once I pick the weight up, I'm much more apt to go on with it. I can always back down if needed to hit the reps on the next round.Today is day two of keeping a detailed food journal for Krista. I'll turn three days of that in day-after-tomorrow for evaluation and hopefully some ass-kicking recommendations. I've been eating well today,but for some reason I have stayed hungry all day. Stayed on track, though

!!!I almost forgot to mention the highlight of my night!When I got to work tonight, one of my friends who is fit and gorgeous (can I just tell you she is 6 feet of blonde, volleyball-playing gorgeous) told me my "ass looks scrumptious in those pants." I had to ask her if she was making fun of my pants because I was afraid they were too tight. But after she assured me she wasn't, I was SO tickled!.............my husband didn't happen to notice as I left......

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Weigh in yesterday was no fun. I was up half a pound, which is my second week of increasing weight instead of decreasing. My measurements were pretty much the same, though my chest measurement was a half inch smaller. The Thursday before we started this adventure, I weighed 170.5#. The hubby and I went to a friend's wedding that weekend. I did the photography for it and splurged a bit at the reception. When I got home, I weighed 174.5#, and that is where I started the program. Now, 9 weeks in, I find myself still above the weight with which I went into that weekend--with negligible changes in my measurements. A couple of weeks ago I was finding it fairly easy to maintain a positive attitude. That, however, has become increasingly more difficult which ends up stressing me more because I know it is counterproductive. So I decided this morning when I weighed in that I wouldn't weigh in anymore until Saturday when it is scheduled for the program. What I've been doing obviously isn't working, so I will start with this simple step. At the risk of TMI, it's now been 2 months since my last period. My headaches, too, have become much more frequent, and I'm finding myself taking ibuprofen and/or Imitrex what seems like four or five days a week (maybe I should track this better) and other times just suffering through to see if they'll go away on their on. I have thought a lot about this over the last week, and finally last night realized something. My last period was the first of August. Shortly thereafter my parents' began have some problems with their already failing health. I spent all of my days off in August in TN as a result. Problems continued in September but began to smooth out some. Work, too, has been increasingly busy and more stressful with pressures coming from multiple places. Before we moved to FL, I had gone 3 years without a period and headaches were a constant issue. Both returned to normal after we moved. My perceived stress level was really no different, but obviously it was. I certainly think stress is playing a big factor here. My question is, "How much is it playing into my difficulty with weight loss?" The knee-jerk answer is "a lot," but I didn't lose a bunch of weight when everything improved after we moved despite continued effort. So who knows?!

About Me

I find this difficult to write, this "about me" section. Somehow I feel like it is a constant, never-ending search that I am on. Just when I think I have some small piece of it figured out, I realize that I don't.

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Abbie

Kettlebells are not for the faint of heart. They are not for those who whine about the heat or the cold or dirt or sweat--or any other thing for that matter. Kettlebells are best battled outside in the rain or sleet or sun or wind where you can beat them or they can beat you, and the story is told only by the pock marks in the grass and the dirt on your hands. Though they will do so, they are not meant to make prettier muscles but better muscles. They are meant to temper from the inside out, testing your mettle, strengthening muscle, ligament, tendon, and even a little skin. Those who fear such a challenge from a small metal ball and do not wish to bear its mark are not worthy of its gifts. And they should go home."Elitism," June 22, 2008