Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Smoked Salmon: Lock Your Bike, Don't Lox It

Since yesterday's PSA was a resounding success (despite the fact that even I went "commando" today in the fender department) I've decided to create another one. Unlike fender use, which is really something that doesn't affect other cyclists unless they're riding right behind you, this new PSA targets a group of riders who are a menace to us all. I am referring of course to those directionally-challenged irritants known as "bike salmon." Hopefully this will help them understand that they've got it all backwards:

As you can see, this is sort of a twin-pronged PSA in that it addresses both bike salmoning and personal hygiene, and it's designed to help clean up both our city's streets and our city's crotches.

In the meantime, though, salmoning is rampant. (On the streets, that is. That should not be construed as a crotchal reference.) Just this morning in fact I had a salmon encounter that incorporated so many infuriating elements I might have very well attempted to flog myself to death with my own fenders had I been palping them:

Please note the following elements (from left to right):

--Self-important person blithely texting in bike lane;--Self-important person's German luxury car with Jersey plates also in the bike lane;--Trek Madone (with aerobars!) on the roof of German luxury car with Jersey plates;--Approaching bike salmon in sport jacket.

Ordinarily, any one of these elements by themselves would be annoying enough. When taken all together though it's nothing less than a perfect storm of stupidity; a clustercoital nightmare; a moronic morass so sticky and deep it simultaneously makes me doubt the existence of a God that would allow this to happen yet convinces me that God indeed exists though he lives only to pester me.

Nonetheless, like a cyclocross rider on a muddy course, I resolved to simply power through it. Claiming my rightful line, I forced the salmon to take evasive action, and also managed to get a shot of his soft underbelly as I passed:

Note the headphones. I wonder if he also listens to his music backwards and with his earbuds reversed. Either that, or perhaps there are backwards messages hidden in his Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or whatever other neutered "indie" rock band he may be listening to which are commanding him to ride counter to traffic. In any case, I was pleased to find after developing the photograph and emerging from the darkroom that I did at least force him to grab a fistful (or at least a pinkieful) of brake. And fortunately for him, he survived the encounter, and I'm sure he made it safely to work where he annoyed his colleagues by flushing the toilet before using it and not after, or whatever else it is bike salmon do with the rest of their days.

Apparently, though, not every New York City bike commuter's trip is fraught with tribulation. A reader recently forwarded this video of another New Yorker's commute, which is in marked contrast to my own experiences:

I'd be very interested in knowing what kind of job this person has, since his (or her) commute seems to consist entirely of looking at pretty things. Is he an LSD tester? Does he work as a professional gnome, running around Central Park in a pointy hat and amusing tourists? Maybe he's some kind of poet laureate and he's going to sit on a bench and write some treacly crap about the guy with the saxophone. He should try actually riding in the street and dealing with ugly crap like the rest of us. Then he could ditch the poetry gig and start writing death metal lyrics.

That's a pretty busy cockpit he's got there--I'm not sure I'd be able to find the time to use all that stuff in 3.6 miles. I suppose I'd be able to switch on the light, and maybe I'd manage to ring the bell once or twice if I were to go out of my way to do so, but there's no way I'd get around to scrolling through any of the functions on the computer. Then again, the streets of New York are busier than the streets of Raleigh, so it could just be that handlebar clutter varies inversely with population density. Take London for instance. That's a very busy city, and people there don't put anything on their bars at all:

But while the handlebars may be bare, there's no shortage of leather elsewhere on the bike. Those massive toe straps look like western stirrups, and the bars look like the bike is flexing its "guns." Maybe the leather bands on the frame are supposed to be weightlifting belts. It's the Hans & Franz of fixed-gears:

I wonder if the rider looks like Patrick Swayze.

But if the bike above is a power lifter, this white bike with its dainty riser bars and "Bike Love" message is decidedly more diminutive:

Yes, New York City is filled with pirouetting lemurs. Rumor has it that they defected from the Bolshoi in the 1960s, escaped the Soviet Union in a shipment of Volga engine parts, and eventually made their way to the USA. Of course, since New York is now rife with agile lemurs, it's a very bad idea to leave your helmet outside with your bike, since you could return to find one of them sleeping in it:

There was no lemur in this helmet (believe me, I checked) though I must say that this is awful helmet placement. Helmets tend to smell of their owners, and dogs love smelling things that smell like people. And anybody who's watched a dog knows that once they've finished smelling something they urinate on it. Furthermore, as I've said before, anybody who's watched anybody walking a dog in New York City knows that people let their precious dogs urinate on absolutely anything. I see dogs urinate on bicycles all the time. The only explanation I can possibly come up with is that the person is actively trying to collect canine urine samples. Maybe he works for the UCI.

But if the emails I've been receiving lately are any indication, there's no place stranger than Sweden. First of all, people there are riding sex swings:

According to the website, the Pedersen bike is "designed as a series of triangles" to "obtain the maximum amount of lateral rigidity." Furthermore, the "hammock-saddle" gives "a comfortable ride, which is to the advantage of people with back trouble." Now that's what I call "laterally stiff and vertically compliant"--there's nothing more vertically compliant than a hammock. Still, I don't buy the "back trouble" thing. That sounds too much like an excuse someone might give for having a vibrator. If you're going to rub a bike with a "banana hammock," at least be up front about it.

But while a "ride" on a Pedersen might put a glide in your stride and a dip in your hip, there are other bikes in Sweden that will lock up your strut instead of loosening it up:

Oh yeah. That's not going anywhere.

And neither is this:

Now that's a safe way to commute by bike. I wonder what the bike salmon in Sweden do, though. Maybe they just pedal backwards.

snob - i think you made the whole of the commuting population nervous about stopping ahead of others. Everyone I encountered this morning stopped behind the crosswalk and it seemed like a competition to not get ahead. Much like last night at Floyd Bennett Field

The salmon had at least his pinky and ring finger on the brake lever. So, you may have struck a little more fear in his heart than you think. Kind of like a black bear about to swat him out of the stream and then feed.

brilliant. Snob you had me at "for people who wipe back to front", but you're laddeling it on with death by fender self flagulation, a God that exists just to pester me, the Hans&Franz of fixies, and lemur helmet nesting. I nearly broke a rib containing the laughter today. chapeau

P.S. In Sweden I think bike salmon are filleted, poached, and served for smorgasbord.

I think the problem with bike salmoning in Toronto is that most of the people I see doing it are quite visibly disturbed. I think one of the unintended consequences of last year's Igor bike bust was that much of his stock was acquired by some of the more colourful residents of Parkdale and the Junction.

I mean, I'm pretty mad and even I won't fuck with some of these people.

I'm about 10% more conscientious on the street than I would be otherwise out of fear that I'll unthinkingly pull some dumbass shit and end up featured in this blog. And I feel pretty confident that there are quite a few others who do as well. Hate to say it, but I'm afraid this blog provides a real service beyond the lulzz. Makes riders in the city (oh so) marginally less retarded.

Considering all the things this bike salmon you almost ran into does backwards, I think you may have run into Superman's old enemy, "Mister Mxyztplk". Next time try saying his name backwards, it should banish him to his backwards home dimension.

That texting, BMW driving, Madone rackin', bike lane blocker is obviously waiting for Bicycle Habitat to open so he/she can be told for the eighth time that there's nothing wrong the shifting adjustment. He/she just needs to pedal harder to go faster.

Such alliteration today. Not to mention the near poetic verse. Beautiful writing. And damn funny too.

"When taken all together though it's nothing less than a perfect storm of stupidity; a clustercoital nightmare; a moronic morass so sticky and deep it simultaneously makes me doubt the existence of a God that would allow this to happen yet convinces me that God indeed exists though he lives only to pester me."

Concerning the CNN Videographer:Snob, it looks like you've got some heavy competition. We all know you're good at taking pics on the fly, but this guy apears to be taking VIDEO while doing a TRACKSTAND.

Why do commuters on hybrids have computers? It's not like they have to worry about how fast they're going? And they don't ride any great distance? Let alone all the other functions on it. Cadence.. wtf?!

The worst part of the bike-salmon is that they become very indignant when you say something about their miss-guided travel. Are these people full-time joggers who by instinct ride against traffic?? Who are these people? Oh and the indie-rock reference was amazing!!HAHAHAHA "clap your hands say yeah"hahaha!!!! So true snobby, well played sir!

Not only is Sweden singularly strange, it also breeds a particularly nasty strain of bike salmon, namely the one roused half-blind by the brief, superficial weakening of the permafrost nicknamed "summer".

For the past few weeks as I pass salmon, I yell at them SALMON! Which usually happens on that battle ground that is Clinton St. though I'm sure it comes out like everything people tell me, sssallmmmmmm. I think someone on the bridge told me to watch the road, I heard waa uh toad. But I am pretty guilty of riding up stream, when I go get $1 pizza for lunch on St Marks, I really rather not go down to 1st ave. But between all the tourists and the up tha punx in the street, I don't think anyone notices anyway.

The bike salmon in Sweden are called Cykellaxar. They are a very common sight around this time of year as the sun emerges from the other side of the earth. They are particularly fond of going the wrong way over a bridge here in Gothenburg. The common bike salmon, however, is nothing compared to the moped salmon. While the bike salmon are limited by the power of their legs, the moped salmon are ably assisted in their upstream efforts by a rather smelly two-stroke petrol engine and a horn, they use to try and enforce the idea that they are, in fact, the dominant predator in the stream.

Check this out:"...too hilarious...but does that make chris horner, bottle's bottle ???...now THAT frickin' guy deserves props...great bike racer...righteous cat......hope something works out w/ the uci if the borats are singin' the death knell......love,bgw"

posted today on the TOTO page

It seems our missing bikesgonewild has been hanging out on other sites. What the hell? Are we not good enough for him anymore? I feel cheated.

oh yeah and i've seen soo many of those exercise bike for sale on the Wash DC (and Baltimore) bike section. Someone right now want's 400 bucks for, right, and "barley used" one. Those are in such great abundance that Goodwill stopped accepting them, what a dolt! Now I flag them as miscategorized; they should be under sporting equipment or whatever.

...hey...lemme alone...shit...i went out for a ride, got lost & well, you know how it goes...

...but honest to god, "not good enough" ???...definitely not my thinkin'...not a chance, nada, not even close...i'm like "stuff you find on yer downtube after a long ride"...a little sticky, a little nasty, maybe needs to be wiped off occasionally but expressive, like...

...tried an ellipsis intervention while i was out but that shit ain't gonna work...

...ps:- i may have had something to do w/ some fake 'VELONEWS: Headlines' postings though i find using CAPITAL LETTERS & normal punctuation on a regular basis to be annoying so that's more shit that ain't gonna happen regularly...

...guess i thought i needed a break/brake from being me for a while but that shit ain't gonna work either so i'm back to just being, well, me...

After all that had transpired, I thought better of it. He was so mad that I had to nearly beat him to death with a fender just to escape.

That was no time for smartassiness. Sure hope Brad Wedemeyer's visit with Snob goes better than the trainwreck BGW and I experienced.

If only we hadn't stopped for donuts...

GAWD DAMN IT!! Now he's got me doing it with the stupid ellipses. I swear, the guy can't finish a fucking sentence in person. Sure, on the comment board it's charming as hell. I thought I was going to choke him after a whole day with him. SPIT IT OUT already!!!

Still, BGW's a great guy and has been riding bikes for a long time for whatever it's worth.

Honestly Snobbers, I couldn't be as funny in a week as you are day in day out; just a brilliantly funny piece of writing.

I attended a talk by Mike Burrows (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Burrows) last year and he was scathing about Pedersens, making the very good point that when you look at design history it's real easy to spot the good designs because they get copied. Noone ever copied a Pedersen. Bloody awful ride, I know that much. He was also very complimentary about the Brompton, for which I was pathetically grateful.

...& luck e.seven...if i owe you a written apology, consider this it...but in my defense, seeing rosanarosanadana was one thing but on top of that, seeing rosanarosanadana surrounded by do-nuts was a little overwhelming...& then she offered me a pull.........damn...

...i was like"whoa, lumpy chamois comin' up" & anything i said after that was pure subterfuge...

...but hey, i just got the fotos of my visit back...i'd say "priceless" but actually the bill was for $23.99...uh, can i send you the receipt & get reimbursed ???...

Too funny, I should not have been having a libation when I read about the lemurs! I even pirated the photo to pass on.BGW, I thought you were lost. Glad to see those ellipses again. Just in time for the real racing season.

Don't worry too much about the salmon or the commuter pack-meat. In a few weeks when it's 80 degrees at 7 in the morning they'll all return to where they were during winter: the subway. They won't be back until late September.

I'm sure someone's already mentioned this, but the actual "bike" path on the Williamsburg bridge has been closed for BIKE TO WORK WEEK! Only the south entrance from Brooklyn is open (much narrower/bumpier and supposed to be bike-free).

Today a purple fixter decided to "drop" me on the way over. Like most fixters, they're not as fast as they think they are. And are too oblivious to realize they should keep right. Ahhh, the be an individual.

Anyway, it was packed and all so I couldn't pass, and after huffing his way up, he started AIR DRUMMING! It was pretty hilarious, his triumphant exhaustion causing such rocking. But then he checked back and saw I was still right there, waiting to get around him and he stopped. Kinda disappointing, since his antics made my disgust of him almost go away.

The appropriate weapon for salmon is the Zounds! air horn, multi decibels of pure, terrifying noise, especially if you wait to push the button until you are right under the salmon's right ear. I think they may have re-named the thing with a more conventional name, but it's the same device: pump up a small waterbottle sized pressure tank with a floor pump and blast away for up to, say, two continuous minutes.

In Albuquerque -- where I live and ride -- fortunately, salmon are rarish, but I've found the air horn to be good for deaf and lobotomized pedestrians on our bike paths.

When I do encounter salmon, I generally play chicken and force them to ride into auto trafic-- why should I take that risk?

Would you please get a camera with an auto-focus that works?I mean I am heartened that you document these things but Holy Toledo (by which I mean the former Glass Capital of the World), your photos are quite blurry.

Maybe that's NYC air causing visibility problems.

Sorry... but I'm a whiner.I come from a long line of whiners. It's genetic.

Happy Bike to Work Week.Being out of work, I truly appreciate the free breakfasts and the fact that I can bike to them for free.

...& thanks sprider...ya, w/ the first of the grand tours underway i hadda come back...

...needed to address guys like steven who thinks lance sucks & is done & good ol' reliable commiecanuk who continues to expound w/ amazing ignorance on mr armstrong...(but hey, it's all in the name of truth through humor, right cc ???)...

...so lemme see if i've got it straight...this is a 37yr old bicycle racer who was out of competition at the highest pinnacle of the sport for 3-1/2 years (do i need to reiterate the "37yr old" part or the "out of competition...for 3-1/2 years" part ???...no ???, ok, good 'cuz i was wondering if you guys had forgotten), broke a collarbone two months ago, yet is at the moment in 22nd place, 3min & 34 sec out of the lead in one of THE major races of the year, whereas the gentleman in last or 194th place in the giro d'italia is already 55min & 2sec out of the lead...

...now, my math sez that would be 172 guys (who may or may not have raced their bikes over the last 3.5 years...i wasn't paying attention to all of them) that are sitting lower in the standings than ol' lance...

...i'd say he's laughing on the bus right now w/ that information...& when i read your opinion, well bwahahahaha (fake laugh) i'm laughing at the "standard" you hold mr armstrong to...

Those Swedish bikes are awesome. Once you get enough momentum, you can coast for hours.

If I were in Norway or Finland, I'd be nervous, the Swedish army could coast in silently in the night and lead a successful invasion, then bammo..five years later, everyone's eating loganberries on sleek affordable modular furniture watching high quality porn.

You can't blame Bike Salmon for their errant spawning of your precious bike lanes, their natural routs have been blocked and sometimes destroyed all together. We’ve tried to fix this problem but Salmon ladders don't work well enough. They will never stop; No drive is less persistent than the instinct to procreate; except maybe the instinct to swing by Dunkin’ Donuts before getting to work. Ease up, This is the consequence of our actions.

Wait a minute - you mean they are now designing bikes using a series of tubes arranged in multiple triangles?

Holy fucking shit! This could revolutionize cycling as we know it!

Nobody tell the UCI about though, mkay? Otherwise, they'll either prohibit this advance in technology, or all of a sudden, in arbitrary fashion, insist that *everybody* ride bikes that are basically a series of triangles. And nothing could be worse for our sport than that.

Funny, good job Snob! I was caught by a huge "risata" reading about that monkey-lemor dancing and seeing those last pictures about locking bikes. And the video of that poetic bike-commuter? Terrific! CiaoLuca

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The problem of salmons exist everywhere in the world it seems. I think we need some serious measures to stop them, enter a bike lane from the wrong direction and a nail bed pops up making your tyres explode.

The salmons are bad...but what's worse are the ones who speed past a crosswalk with pedestrians who have the right of way light crossing. I got ran over once because I had the right of way and crossed the crosswalk but this idiot ran over my foot and then cursed me out afterwards!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!