C Jamie

C-S-CUBED

C. Ray Nagin

Clarence Ray Nagin Jr. (hatched from a life creation pod on June 11, 1956 in New Orleans, Louisiana) is properly the Mayor of Orleans Parish and Dinner but is more commonly referred to as the Mayor of New Orleans, Louisiana, as the Parish coexists with the city. He was hired in May 2002, replacing Marc Morial. Nagin gained international prominence in 2005 as the mayor of New Orleans during and immediately following Hurricane Katrina, which devastated the city in accordance with recent Sciencetology predictions. Nagin also invented the Big Mac.

Cabbage

The system used to determine the age of taxis.

Caber

Another name (Scottish) for telegraph pole.

Tosser.

Calibre

A kind of leg brace.

Callard & Bowsers

Cockney rhyming slang for trousers - as in "Woja fink of me Callards then me old China?"

Canadian

A genetic mutation resulting in the crossbreeding of an Eskimo, a Yeti, Bigfoot, an Unshaven French Woman, a Moose, a Maple Tree, a Jamaican, and a Filipino Nanny. It is the product of an experiment by the British Government to create the perfect Hockey Player.

(n.) one who lives in the mythical country known as 'Canada'.

Can-can

Optimistic dance involving tin cans. After an accident with some solid metal blocks, hollow cans are now used and therefore the jaunty music is drowned out by the tuneless clanking of the cans.

Can't-can't

The can't-can't is the more pessimistic brother of the can-can. Very painful if you want to try it.

Can it

An imperative form of 'Sing', derived from the Latin word 'Canite'. If someone says this to you, they clearly love the sound of your voice.

Can opener

A device for opening cans. Irregardless of how many you own, there will always be only one that works, and that will be the one you can't find. It usually has a huge blade rotating at 6000 revolutions per minute. It looks like a cross between a chainsaw and a nailcutter. Can openers are also highly skilled mind-control devices, capable of making their owner watch day-time sitcoms, talk shows, and even buy stupid and pointless products. Many a fondue set has been bought because of can openers.

And The British of Great Britain had the foresight to invent it at least ten years before the can. Good old us!

Candy corn

Technically a food, although this point is debatable.

Candlejack

Candlejack is a guy where you're not sup

Cannibalism

The immoral and perverse act of eating cannon balls. Often a method of survival used by many adventurers who are trapped in a cannon ball factory with no food. In some cases, when a large group of people practice cannibalism they tend to become mentally ill, or prone to blowing themselves up. Please note that Cannibalism is Wrong.

Cannon balls

The reproductive organs of the Sudanese jumping cannon. This rare and noble beast is now on the brink of extinction because of the consumption of its scrotum by cannibals. PETA has been known to blow up US Embassies in protest of this terrible threat to the animalworld, but PETA is a massive group of environmentally sound fucktards.

Can

A tin box made out of metal, for storing human meat for further generations. The idea is to open it up a few million years later, only to put it on toast and eat it.

Cantaloop

Have you ever dug out a sewer pipe? The closer to the nasty smell you get, the happier you are, coz then you can fix it. That's Cantaloop.

Canuckada

Canuckada is a country located in the northern part of the North American continent. It is best known for being north of Murka and for inventing snow.

Cap

Another word for bullet point which can be busted into various things. A common usage might be something like, "Yo dawg, you really drove your points home with the way you busted those caps into your Powerpoint presentation and that Venn Dizzlegram."

n. abbrev. (chiefly Dutch) - shortened form of 'Dutch Cap', a variety of headgear worn by women from Holland, denoting their reticence to copulate until they have had their spliff fix.

Capitalism

Capitalists

A strain of humanity where divorcing your conscience from what you do comes as second nature.

Capital Punishment

Also known as PUNISHMENT. See? Capital punishment and it's all in capitals? No? How about it's a method of deterrence in international law, in which a country is punished by damaging or harming the capital. Examples include Napoleon's burning of Moscow, the fire-bombing of Tokyo and the partitioning of Berlin.

The act of sending the capital to the corner and telling it to think about what it's done.

Capitialization

Capitalization is the difference between 'I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse' and 'I had to help my uncle jack off a horse'. This mathematical equation is used in many computer algorithms that involve time or date.

Capture

All your base are belong to us.

Carbon footprint

The mark you leave on the brand new beige carpet after bringing the coal in and forgetting to remove your shoes

Card Carrying Capitalist

All those who carry plastic credit cards ensuring all their future income will be given to people who will spend it on drugs and hookers.

Card Carrying Communist

Financially flushed socialists working for the state or local government who believe in redistributing wealth to their bank accounts.

Card Carrying Tarot Reader

Beware of the Hoodwinked Mug Punter !

Card collecting community

Better known as the CCC, this is a group of acne-ridden teenagers that steal wallets for their "card" contents. They collect large numbers of these cards and package them in Booster Packs, which they then sell to their younger siblings for exuberant prices.

Currently the most popular cards are those of the Supermarket Discount Card variety, which are so coveted that Civil Wars have been waged for them in Kindergartens across the Galaxy, and especially on Mars.

Cardiac

A Cardiac is a rare breed of vehicle-badger-hippopotamus crossbreed. Developed in a Russian lab back in the 60's, the Cardiac is a combination of a Pontiac, a badger, and a hippopotamus and makes it's home in the dense jungles of Canada. It is a voracious eater and has been known to devour condominiums whole in one or two gulps. It's teeth are highly sought by students seeking to become a Champion of the Polar Arts. Its average lifespan is roughly that of a bus stop bench in downtown New York. This short life span leads to an above-average need to mate and reproduce. As a result, a wild Cardiac is a common sight in many Canadian cities.

Countryside

Murder of Piers Morgan.

Cardiac Arrest

The act of being handcuffed and incarcerated by vehicle-badger-hippopotamus crossbreed.

Cardiac Caution

When the police fibulators don't work and they have to let you go with just a caution and a slap in the face.

Cardinal

A mascot representing approximately twenty percent of U.S. high schools. The mascot in itself is a mascot within the Catholic hierarchy. Several schools in recent years have tried to raise morale by changing their mascot to Pope only to be struck down in international courts on the grounds that "Pope" is trademarked and cannot be used without proper licensing fees paid on a weekly basis (usually Sunday and some Wednesday evenings).

Careless Hunt

A British rock band from Cesspoole, Yorkshire, active from 1971 and onwards. Brian Damage (vocals, sandpaper) and Ronny Cocksmith (guitar) met each other in what has been described as "shady circumstances", while working at a local harmonica-tuning enterprise. Rock history was made when they auditioned bass player Nathan "Sathan" Stoop and instantly was swept away by his skillful bass licks, usually played with his - well - you get the picture. Their debut album was held back from the market due to a production error (no drummer), but after teaming up with Japanese bongo talent Izimiyagi Sudoku they released their 1973 splash hit "Got Rock?," spawning three hit-singles in the process. Selling more than 50 millions copies, critics have since deemed it "most overrated album since Michael Jackson's Bad". Strangely enough Brian Damage's 1989 solo album was titled "My Bad". Careless Hunt have since released seven live albums and four compilations and have been banned from all recording studios, because of an unpleasant collaboration with semi-legend/art-cunt Yoko Ono. They will of course get around to releasing a second album, and won't we just love them for it?

A shaved beaver.

Caribou

Caribou are the angels of the Outernet. They tend to the confused data and differentiate bad from good. Originally meant as a joke by Al Gore, the lord creator of all that is internet, outernet, uppernet and undernet, the 5 Cm high mechanical beasts sometimes act as Valkyrie, rescuing Data that has valiantly died in the field of digital battle (against viruses usually) and taking them to the uppernet to do battle eternally with the pornography and pr0nography that is deemed worthy to gain immediate access to the uppernet upon deletion.

Carlomottafication

The narcissistic ruthless disregard for any other living creature other than hedonistic results.

Carnegie Mellon University

This Pittsburg University's medical school is renowned for its program in cosmetic plastic surgery.

Carney

Carneys are circus folk. The name originates from The Honeymooners' co-star Art Carney, who began his show business career with the Ringling Brothers as a two-headed, bearded lady with reptile skin. He later renounced that trade after a particularly scarring molting season.

He shaved, converted to the Church of Mormon and left the operating room a new man: Senator Bill Frist. His ashen face and drooping, squarish features immediately attracted people to him and yet put them off in just the right combination: the Carney was thusly born. The name has since been attributed to similarly friggin' weird-looking people.

Carpenter

Carpenters give wood. The only known exception to this is Karen Carpenter who doesn't give wood. But she was a stick so it almost counts.

Cashew

Castigate

Cat

The term used to describe a kitten that has become too old to be huffed and has spoiled[[.]]

Small, furry, indestructible mammal created for use as a living punchbag when things go wrong in the social circle.

A member of a family of furry mammalia clearly from some other planet. The technological prowess that cats demonstrated in navigating to this planet in its infancy regrettably has never extended to feline dexterity with the modern can opener; but this specific lack of dexterity amply testifies to feline cunning and intelligence.

Sex toy.

Creature used in hospitals to scan people to see if they are robots in disguise.

The little things that get in your yard and shit everywhere and scare your dog, etc.

It is widely known that the orange ones fuck you up real good.

Catma

The notion of Catma is an ancient and revered tradition of believing whatever one wishes. For simple-minded round-eyes, think of it as the inverse of dogma. Catma is one of the Seven Bridge Abuttments of Zim Buddhism.

Catamaran

An exceptionally thick feline. Sometimes served with a vanilla sauce or a spicy dip.

Cat Ballou

Remembering that even Jane Fonda was young once.

Catapult

An ancient weapon, developed by the Roman Empire, that is used to throw cats over large distances. The creation of this weapon came about when some smart ass discovered that cats always land feet first and that the feet of a cat are very sharp, especially when the cats are pissed off or scared shitless. Many ancient murals depict scenes of the Roman army showering their enemies with a hail storm of angry cats. While it was most common to fill a basket with ordinary house cats, shake the basket vigorously, dunk it repeatedly into a vat of water and then hurl the mass of stirred up kitties at enemies, there are also records of loading up lions and tigers and hurling those as well.

Categorically

A word used by politicians and company board members to supposedly avoid telling a lie. It actually does not have any meaning at all. Examples: I categorically deny all charges brought against me or I categorically did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Catholic Church

Warm up band for the Rock of Peter.

A large group of balding male nuns.

Catholicism

A "religion" that follows the teachings of the Irish mystic Cathol O'Lick.

Cat Stevens

A species of feline known for it's extremely long whiskers. They are most common in the Middle East. They were originally found roaming about the US, but were eradicated during the 1980's.

Catamite

Catamites are small , strange people who promise that they will look after your pet in their Cattery when you go on holiday. When you return home - a note will be received that Tibbles died and gave up his body to medical science - i.e. was fed to the guard dogs next door.

Highly explosive feline

Cataract

A Cataract is a play or theatrical performance, featuring or performed by cats.

Catastrophe

One of the most common errors of punctuation in the feline world. If misplaced can be the cause of hissing, growling and violence.

Catatonic

A patent remedy to assist felines in the treatement of malaria

Catholic

A person very fond of cats.

Cauchy's Theorem

In mathematics and especially the study of complex numbers, Cauchy's theorem is an important statement about integrals of hologrammatic functions. Basically it states that if you walk round in a circle all day, you will get no work done. Alternatively, if it is uphill to school, then you have to walk downhill home (unless you live in a very hilly district, or get a lift home). The theorem is not applicable to walking to work, or driving to school.

CCG

Pieces of cardboard, that before ink is put on them, are worth less than a Canadian dollar. However, for some strange reason, little boys and hairy old men are attracted to these Pizza Box Rejects (Hey, that sounds like a cool band name, All Rights Reserved). They have been known to carry small amounts of lead, so keep out of the reach of children.

CCTV

A television company notorious for making boring shows about boring people...Oh wait. That's Big Brother !

Celebrity binoculars

Celebrity binoculars were specially designed by ancient druids from the south of England in the mid 5th century, and are subsequently a rarity among modern societies. These binoculars have magical properties and are used solely for spotting celebrities (those who are famous) and their images and/or belongings in moderately uncluttered locations, e.g. a night sky. Other properties of the binoculars are still shrouded in mystery and can only be used to a moderate extent by those who have spent approximately seven and a half decades of their life researching them.

Celibate

A Catholic fish.

Celts

An ancient tribe of people known for making New Age music popular in the early 1990's. They are also red-headed, and others from the UK tend to flee from them. It is unknown whether this is due to their hair color, their fierce temper, their drums, or their bagpipes. They are famous for building a round structure with gaps in the walls and no roof.

Cement shoes

Special shoes designed by the Italian Mafia (a special fashion group) to allow one to walk on the bottom of rivers or lakes. The biggest problem with it is that it doesn't goes well with Aqualungs, so one has to take a deep breath before going down and swim all the way up before drowning.

Center

Mis-spelling of the word Centre

Centurion

A native of the island group of Alpha Centauri. Centurions are believed to be the descendants of the Atlanteans. They have a half-human-half-century body that has its lower part covered with Romanian muci

Chabby

A baby who is unusually interested in down-market sports wear, smoking and bling. Traditionally, its first word will be "innit". The produce of a girl or "slag" under the age of 15.

Chain Letters

(noun) Those annoying emails that you get, that promise you everything if you send the chain letter to everyone that you know, but never really give you anything in the end. These are sometimes believed to be a product of Satan.

Charity

Charity (from French «charité»): A pro-active attitude of doing good deeds to people who will later hate you or take advantage of you. Charity is often performed to soothe the conscience and make up for earlier-made mistakes.

Chartreuse

Chartreuse is an awful mixture of yellow and green, which looks somewhat like diarrhoea, crushed peas or perhaps vomit from a very sick person. Some people actually have chartreuse as their favorite color. I don't know why.

French weepy ballad singer who can produce the effects listed in option (1).

Chat room

Chat rooms are also known as chat channels. It depends on your connection to reality as to which term you prefer to use. People who go outside to travel to another building* and there pick a room to talk a bit prefer to use the term chat rooms. Normal people, however, usually sit inside, and watch television, zapping between the channels. Those people prefer to use the term chat channels.

* You can also define chat rooms in your current building, but that's just a very small part of all potentially available chat rooms.

A place to post hit lists and hate mail. Guys also use this to find a date. Unfortunately these guys always look like they have volcanoes erupting on their faces.

Chav

noun.

A Low class human.

A once-secret high Masonic ranking.

Chav is a slang term which has been in wide use throughout the United Kingdom since 2004. It refers to a subcultural stereotype of a person with fashions such as flashy 'bling' jewellery and counterfeit designer clothes or sportswear, an uneducated, uncultured, impoverished background, a tendency to congregate around places such as fast-food outlets, bus stops, or other shopping areas, and a culture of antisocial behavior.

Council House Animal Vermin.

The stage of human evolution that came before the human.

Someone who uses there head only as a plug to stop crap from getting in there neck.

Cheating

Cheating is a form of winning where the 'cheater' thinks up the best and easiest way to win a challenge.

To have sex with a cheetah.

Checkuary

The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.

Cheese, and all things cheesy

A solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk, often seasoned and aged.

A molded mass of this substance.

Something resembling this substance in shape or consistency.

Often used in many dishes such as: Cheesecake, Cheese toasties, Cheeseballs, Cheesy Poofs, wotsits, nachos and many other things
not to be confused with older brothers, parents, or teachers who try to be funny, and butter.

Chewing gum

A strange chemical element that, combined with other substances, is to be found below every desk and table. In its pure state, it belongs to the periodic table with the symbol Cg (chewimis gumminus). Usually changes color and texture as the years go by. Scientists are now researching the possibility that it may have a life of its own since it is commonly found in people's hair.

Chick Magnet

A device for attracting large numbers of juvenile farmbirds and/or attractive young women. As a consequence of Maxwell's Equations, however, chick magnets cannot do any work. Don't leave it on your fridge or 'Mr Cool' will get first dibs on your dates. See also Chick Electromagnet.

Chicken Brutus Salad

A mixture of virtue, parody and bloody self interest. This dish should only be served with Chicken Caesar IF you want your party guests to kill each other before dessert.

Chicken In A Basket Case

A delicacy served at restaurants for the seriously mad only.

Chicken scratch

The random scratches of chickens made in dirt. These scratches are actually the chicken's attempt to communicate with the mentally inferior human species, who are incapable of understanding the chicken's vastly more complex method of writing. Some have described Uncyclopedia's contents as nothing more than virtual chicken scratch. This is generally perceived as a compliment.

Chinese Chicken

A type of chicken that, unlike there name suggests, originate from Japan. Easily identified from other breeds of chicken as they are the only ones with baseball caps and carrying cameras. They are also the only ones that fly without dropping random objects, such as their film.

colloquial: Any meat producing animal such as pigeons, squirrels, rats, etc. found within a one-mile radius of a Chinese restaurant.

Chinsword

A genetic defect that causes an individuals chin to grow out to extraordinary lengths and become pointed at the tip and sharpened along the sides.

Chip and Pin

A move in football (Soccer) where the player kicks the ball over an opponent and then falls on top of them if they can't get to it in time to collect and run towards goal . Not to be confused with Chip and Whine where you don't even bother to chase the ball and claim you were fouled trying to follow up . Also called doing the 'Ronaldo' after the Portuguese/Manchester United football player.

Chipmunk

A furry creature that wears a habit and is said to be the only species outside of the pedophile to be allowed to enter the monasteries of the Catholic Church.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks are musical instruments which, when hit together can play an amazing ONE NOTE!!!

Christiania

Christiania is a place where Christians can chill out, smoke and eat vegetables.

Christianity

A wacko scheme thought up by the government to reduce the level of crime in Great Britain.

The only religion on Earth, apparently.

An extreme antidote to the evil forces of Islam. Thank god christianity prevailed and the world is a better place.

Christian Rap

A branch from Rap Music that is known to be deadly to the listener. However, some zealous Christian rebels, think that they are above the moral invalues of murder, and continue to produce their lethal compositions, such as Salsa Praise and Unplugged - The way the Church used to be. CRap Music

Christian Right

See Christian Wrong.

Christian Wrong

Any organisation that seeks to make burning people at the stake illegal rather than its current form, the traditional Texan approach to religious debate.

Christmas Store

A Christmas Store is a Christmas-theme store that is open all year round except, ironically, on Christmas.

Chrysler

Chrysler Corporation is best known for its PT Cruiser, a hatchback/van/sedan/convertible/coupe/truck that was aimed at buyers with vinyl skin, such as dummies.

Chuck Norris

has got nothing

CIA

(Acronym) Certified Italian Accountants, which is a government body that records tax data, in an effort to locate and apprehend those who do not pay their taxes.

(Acronym) Catholic, Irish and Alcoholic

Circe Line

A circular London tube line that can turn people into wild beasts if stuck in a tunnel. I know - I have been there and tasted FLESH. Named in honour of Greek magician who kept Odysseus chained to her make up table.

Circle Jerk

A daisy chain gone belly up.

Circular argument

A circular argument is an argument that is circular. Contrast this with a square discussion, which is a discussion taking on a square shape (but möbius flask-shaped controversy is right out.

Climate

Clishay

The word used to describe a completely random glitch in the matrix that can appear anywhere in the universe. They can be very small, or, very, very, very big. Clishays have been known to cause destruction everywhere, due to their... well, glitchy nature. Avoid them if possible.

Clockwise

Someone as clever as clock. Because processors of clocks are usually slow, a clockwise person means a very stupid one.

Clockwork

The ultimate technology, often orange in colour. Clockwork devices will one day be able to think as quickly as men, be able to do our taxes for us, and replace actors in the theatre. H.G. Wells says that your bodily functions like eating, going to the bathroom and sleeping will be taken over by clockwork devices.

Clockwork Orange

An anti-social windup toy.

The name of the Dutch football team in the 1970s for their mechanical way of beating opponents.

The forerunner of Apple Computers.

Closet

Where fathers routinely keep their flamboyantly fruity sons when the guys come over to watch the game. Noted for its use as a flotation device during acceptance speeches at Hollywood award shows.

Closet Racist

One who keeps his KKK regalia cleaned, neatly pressed and hung in a small room built expressly for the purpose of its safe storage. Contrast with Minutemen, who practically sleep in their costumes, but, as the term implies, are always ready for action with the mere brushing off of the odd, dried BBQ-sauce globule, not wasting time having to "suit up" for emergencies, such as spur-of-the-moment lynchings. Opposite to the Front Room Fascist for those who like to put it all out on display with their best porcelain pitbulls and copies of 'Der Sturmer'.

Clown

Dumb painted scumbag.

Midichlorians

Little itty bitty, tiny, small things that put the Darth in Darth Vader and the green in Yoda.

Coat

Goats are not coats. That's why that thing on your back keeps bleating.

Cobbler

An Australian form of greeting as in "G'day cobbler!" - see also Sheila.

Slang term for a testicle.. see COBBLERS if you want to see a pair!

Cock

A male chicken.

Latest form of rubber footwear.

Cockahoop

A very serious deformity of the penis.

A game in which one throws wooden hoops over chickens.

The technique employed to make a Hoop ready for action. You prime it, load it and cock it.

Cockaleekie Soup

Chef got taken short!

Cock Eye

An eye (usually one of a human) that is infested with acne on the eyelid. If not properly medicated it will often become a cock-like, perminent bodypart pertrudein from the fold of ones eye.

A sexual mishap usually caused by bad aim.

Cock Ring

Where cockfights occur.

Cockroach

A hybrid creature, half cock, half roach. They grow to be about one foot in height and have some rather nasty mandibles that can cut off an arm or a leg if you're not careful. The first cockroach was bred in 1999 by the same genetic engineers that brought you glow-in-the-dark tobacco, photosynthesis-equipped goats, and the hyphen.

Coffer

"Cogito Ergo Sum"

A quote from Rene Descartes, while contemplating the notion that philosophers contribute nothing to anyone and should all be burnt.

Cognaissant

A thinking man's French breakfast pastry.

Coincidence

To have the exact change during small cash transactions.

Coincidence theory

A form of denial stemming from the irrationalbelief in the trustworthiness of political/governmental systems.

Coitus Interruptus

Roman sexologist who was always sticking in his ruler when measuring sexual intercourse. Later his work was taken up by Christians and incorporated into the Middle Ages 'Burn in Hell' Bad Sex Guide.

Collector's Edition

Any mass-produced, consumer item bearing these two words costs twice as much as the same item without such markings.

Collage

Collage is the art of cutting and randomly pasting scraps of paper to another piece of paper to express an idea.

Sometimes the scraps of paper are replaced by scraps of fabric, or buttons, or miscellaneous pieces of junk that the collage-maker may have laying around. Some people use collage while scrapbooking, other people use collage instead of scrapbooking.
It is a good way of getting rid of nonbiohazardous material that is an inch or less in diameter, and no more than 2 mm in thickness.
Simply glue the whole thing together, and then call it art.

College

An theorized state of nirvana where one's parents unexpectedly pay for them to get high and drunk on a regular basis while attempting to capture an elusive beast called "a future." All those who have sought this state of being have been found dead behind your mom's trailer.

Art made from an assemblage of different forms

Cologne

A smelly place in Germany.

Colour

A description based on the type of light reflected by an object. Often misspelt "color", in uncivilised areas where the concept of a letter "u" is either illegal or too complex for their underdeveloped Yank minds to grasp.

Combine

A species of alien which apparently destroyed the human race within seven hours. Luckily Jesus was reborn and somehow defeated the aliens. Name comes from the method in which a third version and storyline will not be released, but instead Jesus's life is continued in a series of episodes. Near the time of Jesus's near death, God offers an offer to join the alien forces. Sadly, Jesus ends up nearly killing God in an attempt to save the world. I don't know what else happens because I've only played the first game.

Comeback

Sort of like backflow, but for sex.

Comets

Comets are a fairly unintelligent form of life which are constantly being pushed around by the biggest bully ever, gravity. They suffer from severe narcolepsy, which in turn causes them to crash into planets a lot. They are responsible for many disasters, but killing the dinosaurs is not one of them. The credit for that curmudgeon goes to Mrs. Bing.

Coming and Going

The medical description for an orgasm that is dependent on a regular power supply.

Common sense

From Einstein's General Theory of Common sense: The most uncommon of senses, Common or Garden Sense, a close relative of the Greater Spotted Sense, was once a familiar sight around the world. Sadly it is now on the verge of extinction due to slash-and-burn habitat destruction in the late Seventies

The abbreviated form of the phrase "Complete Nonsense".

Communist

A bunch of pigs that walk around naked, and, in order to hide their embarrassment at forgetting to wear clothes, convince other animals to walk around naked as well. The communist ideology is to turn all creatures into slaves and ultimately to reduce the price of iPods and Microsoft products to $0.50 per unit. Also secretly avid supporters of Steven Spielberg although they can never spell his name correctly.

Compability

Special ability of some people to make very old computers work.

Compassion

The nominative form of the infinitive "to compass" identifying boxing an object from all directions, usually with emotion.

Compassionate Conservatism

Compassionate conservatism is the term George Dubya Bush used to describe his ideals. This led to a debate over whether such a concept is even possible, since "conservative" is kind of like a nice way of saying "selfish elitist". Thus, this is considered an oxymoron.

Composer

An illiterate or alexic person who communicates by writing down circles and dots.

Compound interest

Computer

A magical device which is made up of gnomes. It then goes beep and blows up.

The thing your on right now. Unless your on a smartphone. (See Smartphone)

Computer mouse

A furry little rodent that is plugged into the back of a computer by its tail. You then move the rodent around on a notepad to control the whole world. It can also eat computer bugs and bread.

Concealment

A basic strategic policy of Japanese organization, like government, company.

Concentration

A chemical reaction produced in the outer nebula-petulum of the brain that may sometimes be erm, that can, thingy, woohoo, the games starting !!!

Also used for the creation of what one might call juicyjuice that your mother always stares at because it says "made from concentrate" and etcetra OMFG who'se in the game!

Condescending

You don't even know what condescending means, do you? idiot.

Condiment

A condiment is a rubber device intended for use with safe sex, providing a long-lasting, fresh taste.

It is also used to ensure one has safe lunch.

Condomininous

An adjective to describe someone who is overly protective until, at the pivotal moment, they screw up & ruin your life. The use of the word should be carefully monitored as it is an grave insult and saying it in certain eastern European countries could result in immediate exile.

Another word for a condom salesman representative.

Condominium

An apartment where the furniture is made up of recycled condoms. Shortened to Condo or Condoleeza Rice.

Confoozlated

Confused, bamboozled and discombobulated, all at once. This state usually occurs when a person is under the influence of copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol.

Example

Do you ever consider the social effect of same-sex marriages on the national agenda?

I'm too confoozlated by that right now, buddy...

Confussed

Confussed (not to be confused, confussed or confoozlated with "confoozlated"), derived from the words confused and fussed, is a state in which one is both annoyed and confused at the same time. If you tend to be confused for much of your life, but not bothered about it, it is unlikely that you could be described as "confussed". However, you may become confussed if this entry still doesn't make any sense to you.

Congress of Berlin

The last of the famous 'congresses' between consenting diplomats in 1878. After that it was decided to only have Peace Treaties instead as everything had to be written in English from now on. Before that - it was all done in French and we know that means 'loose morals'.

Congress of Paris

Emperor Napoleon III invites all the crowned heads of Europe to come over to Paris for a game of nude charades at the Tuileries Palace. Queen Victoria kept on her bloomers as she disapproved of sex before tea.

Congress of Vienna

Napoleon gets a yellow card (Elba). Comes back and kicks the referee. Red Card (St.Helena). Everyone else happy and shat on the Liberals for causing the French revolution in the first place.

Congruent

Congruency is the state of being free from Grues. It is also the state of having gruency, a nasty disease that fills your mind of sexual thoughts and uncontrollable urges to have sexual relations with triangles.

One who is fluent in Conga.

Consequence

The science of arranging prisoners according to their prisoner number.

Conservation of Awesome

The innate ability to have your state of awesome transfered back to you no matter what form you take, so if you're a Giant Shark and you get turned into a penguin, your awesome would combine with your new form and make you just as awesome as before. All results are pretty random, because you don't know quite what makes some things so awesome, so like that penguin might have shark teeth, and that would be like scary as hell you know? Just think about it, it could like slide really fast at you and it's only tall enough to reach your waist, and that just plain sucks, considering it'd be biting whatever it could see.

Conservatizes

Con • serv • a • tiz • es — an English-language verb meaning to take a political position which neither conserves an aspect of the status quo nor has any root in Conservative intellectual tradition and transform that position into a Conservative political position.

The official long form of the combined government of the city of Lexington, KY and three surrounding horse farms. Commonly known by the short form: Horseyland

Conspiracy Theory

The government on Mars (which of course is being run by space cows) are planning to attack our igloos, thus becoming the most random phrase in the universe. They are being aided by Dick Cheney and a chicken.

All you paranoids are out to get me.

Constellation

A bunch of stars that look like stuff, especially to stoners, hippies and anyone else who gets high and stares at the sky a lot.

Constitutional Convention

A gathering of constitution hobbyists, amateurs and professionals for opportunities at cheap constitutional merchandise.

Construction Workers

Workers by the road that you see pretending to accomplish something (usually by digging dirt) while they watch you dodge cones they put out there for fun. If you watch long enough, you will notice that they are actually moving the same chunk of dirt back and forth. They are not found in groups of more than 20 due to various laws. Construction workers are often found near schools, at or near intersections, by big corporatebuildings, and in or near malls. They are never found near charities, churches, hospitals or government buildings. Construction workers are not to be confused with carpenters.

Contagious

Indefinite periods of time roughly equivalent to the current lifespan of female human beings. "They haven't voted Democratic in contagious." Considered vulgar.

Response by Paddy at school when he was asked to make a sentence with the word Contagious in - "Sean was painting his front room with a 1" brush - dad said it would take the contagious"

Contourism

Contourism or CLER (Contour Line Education Religion) is a theology based around the belief that all topographics and land masses contain invisible lines called Contours. 'Contour' is the shortened term for Contour line which show parts of a map that are of equal height above sea level. CLER puts forward the idea that contours were created by God.

Contraband

Contraband were a floating group of musicians who earned their humble crust by playing to Nicaraguan gorillas. A rag-tag group of troubadours, they escaped to the Los Angeles underground, but were soon discovered when their tuba player let loose a brown note, flooding the storm drains with fecal matter. Shortly after, they disbanded, but reformed briefly in 1732 to release their final albumen, "Vegetable Somoza."

Contranklement

A descriptive noun, applied to a non-definable object or implement with an unspecified use or definition.

Coo

A murmuring sound of a dove or pigeon, or a sound resembling it, often heard during the speeches of George W. Bush See also Twat.

Coodies

A disease often mistaken as HIV/AIDs that is transported from a females mouth through to the males brain and respiration system, often infecting the male to spit and repeat the words "AAAHHH COOODIES!!!!!!!!!" while lying on the ground laughing.

Cook

A primitive way of acquiring food, primarily used currently by people that are too lazy to leave the house to eat. A typical cook has a very low time value of money, as the time spent acquiring meals in this fashion takes 250% longer than the typical meal out. Some people that live outside also cook, although usually this has more to do with the distance from restaurants than mere laziness.

Cop

Developed by Honda Corporation in the late 14th century at the secret Honda research centre on the Earth's moon, commonly referred to as TMA-1. Being constantly refurbished by prisoners with tiny hands, cops continue to be the most advanced robots on Earth. They require no chemical or electrical fuel; cops are powered by fear in humans. The name "cops" originated when they realized they had more difficulty frightening assertive females, and found that the best way to intimidate them was to "cop" a feel or, sexually assault the person.

Coprophilia

A deep love for either Policemen or Chocolate, depending on the context of the word and the phase of the moon. It is the only word known to end in both a silent and invisible -gry, thus being the third word and solution to the ancient riddle beginning - Angry and hungry both end in -gry.

Copulate

What you say to a Police office responding to your emergency call in a tardy fashion

Copy

The term "copy" is a very old, highly slurred corruption of the phrase "Control C, Control V" which dates back to the 1980s BC, referring to the fact that when one duplicates an object, idea or person (through the magic of cloning), they are in fact exercising control over their Count (i.e. there are now more of them than before) and their Virginity (i.e. any entity that is duplicated is cleansed of its sins, spiritual and sexual, see the Book of Neuteronomy 18:3)

Corona

Someone who cuts up dead people in order to get to their sweet, sweet organs

Corporation

An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Cosmic Capers Club

The Cosmic Capers Club is a Somerset-based club used for beating Capers senseless before adding them to Pizza or salads. It is also the name of a dance involving cucumbers and income tax evasion allegations.

Cotillion

The number of times the French surrendered, mostly to the Germans; Yes, it's a really high number.

Cotton balls

Council for Fresh Air

The Council of Fresh Air has become ominously known for shamelessly promoting its anti-fish-pooping agenda. Out of regard for our nation's underwater environment, the group has pushed bans on underwater pooping for any organism through the glorious U.S. Congress (obviously holding prejudice against all of our brother fish) and recently has been successful in imposing sanctions against Mexico in hopes of curbing the refried bean supply, which is widely known to attract fish to above-water Mexican restaurants and subsequently destroy our precious underwater life-space.

Countryside

The act of killing someone you despise.

Courtesy Call

A telephone call that tests your courtesy.

When receiving a courtesy call it is all too easy to tell the caller to "**** off!" Of course the courteous way of ending the conversation is simply to say "No thank you", followed by "No", "No", "No thanks", "I'm sorry, I'm not interested", "No", "No thank you".

Cow Tip

A cow tip is a monetary gratuity given to bovine workers in the service industry. 10%-20% is considered an acceptable cow tip for a good cow who has given prompt service, shows a bit of udder, and has a nice moo. Bad cows should not be left a cow tip.

Cows

The Almighty God of Gods. Bow down to the Almighty Cow. Known for his great skill of chomping grass, and escaping the butchers. Let us all be grass chompers together.

Cow-orker

(noun) An acquaintance at a place of employment of who is below your social level b : an acquaintance at a place of employment who is below your mental capacity c : an acquaintance at your place of employment who earns more or less than you d : anyone you don't like (see you)

(conditional noun) Anyone reading this over your shoulder at a place of employment

Coyote Ugly

When a dog has to bark up a different branch of the cannine family tree to get a date.

Crabby

An irate taxi driver.

Crack Dealer

A small businessman frequently found in urban areas in the United States of America and its dependent colonies.

Crack dealing originated as a franchise operation in Chicago, believed to have been founded by the Harvard economist Oscar Medellin as a way of introducing trickle-down economics to deprived areas. It has become so successful that the economies of several countries now depend upon it. The spread of the crack franchise has been extensively studied by subsequent economists and the lessons learnt have been extensively applied to, among others, the alcohol and tobacco industries, real estate dealing, and fast food chains.

Crap

Hilariously yet not at all coincidentally crap occurs after crack dealer and just before crazy. (Seerap).

Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room. I died there. They buried me with bugs. Bugs? I hate bugs. Bugs drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once.

Creationism

What will that wacky Kansas State School Board think of next? "Creationism" is a wild notion that the universe was made by an "Intelligent Designer," a flamboyant Hebrew by the name of Yahweh. This is of course, false, as everyone knows that Yahweh was an INTERIOR decorator! Also, anyone who would knowingly and deliberately invent menstruation cannot be very "Intelligent." (Just kidding, God, please forgive me!)

Credit Crunch

A delicious chocolate-coated but particularly crumbly American delicacy

Now also a Breakfast Cearel. SLOGAN - Crunchy nut watch out credit cruch is biteing back.

Critical Leefraction

Radical change in workflow caused by the taking of annual leave at times of crucial processing and report delivery.

Criticism

When somebody makes it painfully clear to you how much you suck.

You could have scrolled down to this word a little faster.

You're not handling your mouse very well.

I've seen five year olds type faster than you.

Are all examples of criticism.

Croissant

Unsocial insect of the family furiocadea known for folded butter nest, distinctive shape and disagreeable attitude.

Crossbows

Crossbows are generally quite angry, because of anger-management issues from when all the other eating utensils picked on them as children. They did this because crossbows are widely known to have insomnia and a rare and highly contagious form of cooties.

Cross-Dresser

Transvestites who discover that their pair of Jimmy Choos will not go with the Laura Ashley dress their mother gave them at Christmas.

Crosshatch

Diamond pattern of yellow lines on the ground denoting an area to be kept clear

What happens to hens when sitting on eggs activity is not going well

Cross-section (of the public)

An angry group of people asked questions in surveys

Crucifix

A Newspeak term, short for "crucial fix," a euphemism for killing someone. Back in 1984 when someone had wandered from the truth (see Crimethink), they were in crucial need of fixing -- they needed a crucial fix, or a crucifix. Inevitably this meant death.

A convenient place to spend Easter

Cruelty

A vindictive and somewhat bitter beverage.

Cubit

Some kind of unit of measurement God is pretty big on. He didn't tell anyone what it was, so Bob The Builder just made something up that sounded about right.

Cuisinart

A term for kitchen appliances, coined by Oprah Winfrey, to make it appear that she knew a lot about cooking.

Cult

A cult is every other religious belief except yours. For further information, ask Jesus.

The annual hunt and slaughter of the infamous letter T

Cult favorite

A something (usually a movie) that one insane cult of people are obsessed with above all other things.

Cunt

Knu became Knuut - Earth Goddess of the Celts. They liked it up the shitter too, see Whinnit.

Knuut became CNUT, the clothing company and finally CUNT.

Curling

An Olympic sport in which contestants lay down and, after a pistol is fired, bend slightly upwards. It is descended from the kitten hurling battle, and is closely related to bloodbath. The object of the game is to use curling irons to throw kittens toward the centre of the house of blood at the other end of an ice rink. The team with the most kittens in the house of blood wins. A highly boring, agonizing sport. No wonder Canadians love it.

Cursive

The opposite of recursive, i.e. an acronym that makes up the first word of an acronym. E.g. GNU stands for: Gnu is Not an Ungulate. That makes a cursive acronym an acronym where none of the letters in the meaning of the acronym is itself in the acronym word. Example: XYZZY is a cursive acronym for "Linux is not Windows".

A measure of the lateral arc of male genitalia. A penis that bends 0-30 degrees left or right is said to be slightly cursive, 31-50 degrees is somewhat cursive, 51-89 degrees highly cursive and a full 90 degrees or more, bound for atrophy.

Cursory

Where young children learn to swear.

Custard

A bastard cousin.

Customer

Idiot.

An unwanted interruption to an otherwise idyllic working day.

Cutting Crew

A group of emos. Their song "I just died in your arms tonight" is considered to be the anthem of wrist slitters everywhere.

Cut and Run

The slogan for emo track teams.

Cyanorectophobia

The fear of suffocation from having one's head stuffed up one's arse too long.

Cyberweb

The cyberweb is the basic layer of infrastructure which now links all modern computers into one vast "electronic brain". It is often confused with the Internet, which, strictly speaking, is a name for just one high level protocol invented by Al Gore that enables cyberweb-connected computers to exchange pornography with one another in an orderly manner.