Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive?
A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo Choo!"

Q: What wobbles when it flies?
A: A jellicopter!

Q: What do you call a train that eats toffee?
A: A chew, chew train.

Q: Why is the railroad angry?
A: Because people are always crossing it!

Q: Why can't the engineer be electrocuted?
A: Because he's not a conductor!

Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?
A: Because it has a tender behind

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but to no avail. He first punches a hole in the new bulb.

Two Blondes
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."

And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Young Woman
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Hotel Manager
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Railroad President
At a station stop, the railroad's president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer.
"You were going 65 mph and the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!"
After a heated exchange, the engineer finally said "You couldn't possibly have been going 65, my speedometer said 60 mph and we never saw you go by us!"

Railroad Tracks

Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks.
One of them said, "This is is longest stairway I have ever been on."
To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister."