While you were asleep: Dutton’s challenge Day 2, NZ disgraces itself, the NY Tinderette reboot

Well, the leadership challenge plot thickened, NZ did bad and one New Yorker used Tinder to rip of ‘The Bachelorette’. Beware the ides of Pete. And Tinder.

Liberal Party to meet this morning, may decide Turnbull’s fate.

Last night, it seems that Long-Shot Malcolm was offered a reprieve, as the primary instigator of the mutiny, Peter Dutton, was potentially tagged as being ‘ineligible’ to steer the ship. So, problem solved, and yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Beaujolais?

Well, not as such, in thirty short minutes, the Liberal Party will be holding a bring your biggest knife to work day, as they’re all scheduled to meet in the same room. According to numerous paranoid theorists on Twitter, a leadership challenge could be thrown this morning, with the ABC even speculating that if Dutton is ineligible, or unwilling to be put forward, an ’empty chair’ challenge would occur, which I believe is when the complainants vote for a piece of furniture to take Dutton’s place as the primary antagonist. Smart choice, as the chair would probably be less wooden.

On that note, if there are to be plots to be hatched, and schemes to be schemed, it will be done in something called the ‘Monkey Pod Room’, which has a rather notable name on the booking sheet.

Peter Dutton has booked the so-called Monkey Pod room – home of the conservative resistance in Turnbull’s early days as PM – for 10am-2pm and again after Question Time #auspolpic.twitter.com/qvEnrz92c2

Think of the drama! The future of the Commonwealth to be decided without the consent of the Commonwealth in a room named after what exactly? Man, politics puts the ‘dumb’ in dum dum dummmmm.

New Zealand does the worst thing ever, and we really should stop paying attention to them.

As an Australian in 2018, we have to deal with many a thing. For many years, we’ve been able to bully our smaller sibling, New Zealand, as they were dorky, spoke funny and they were smaller than us. We took all their belongings (like Russell Crowe), because we could. Disappointingly, since they’ve hit puberty, they’ve become cool, and far more popular than us, which leaves us confused, and prone to publically voicing embarrassing moments in an effort to embarrass them, and thusly, drag the attention back to us.

New Yorker stages her own Bachelorette bootleg, invites many men for a public humiliation/opportunity for love.

And finally, we crawl back to the limp arms of Tinder, with the story that one New Yorker decided that The Bachelor-whatever is the pinnacle of organised civilisation, so she merrily decided to bootleg it, matching with many men over the streets of the city that doesn’t sleep, and having them all meet in one place to compete for her hand.

According to the gospel according to the Twitter user @bvdhai, it’s a fairly standard tale. Boy meets girl, girl asks boy to meet girl in public, girl invites hundreds of identical men to see who is worthy enough to hit that.

Then she says I’ve invited you all here for a chance to go on a date with me and proceeds to give a hunger games speech about what its gonna take to date her

There’s nothing I love more than a gritty reboot, and having the primary party risking the fires of burned masculinity is a bold move, but bitterly, we were unsure how it ended, as our narrator decided to flee said tableau.

Although, here’s a bit of a challenge, dudes. @bvdhai might have left, muttering curses against the vanity of electro-civilisation, but see if you can spot the guy who is going to be the biggest problem in this scene. Here’s a hint. He’s the guy who understands the point she’s trying to make, and what’s more, he’s in on it. The kind of guy who’d follow you back to your car and would congratulate you for your genius. The kind of guy who repeatedly asks what he gets for ‘getting it’.