I have decided to have an abortion.

I'm a 26 year old woman. 5 years ago, when I was 21, I discovered I was pregnant. I was with my then boyfriend in the docor's consulting rooms when my "worst nightmare" was confirmed. My boyfriend was 12 years older than me, had a very good job and wanted the baby. I was in varsity (studying full-time) and our relationship was not the greatest so I decided to have an abortion. I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time and I did the medical abortion. The pain was unbearable but my boyfriend's support made it a little easier. Three years later, our relationship ended because my boyfriend became very abusive and I just found out a few months ago that he resented me for what I had done. It was not an easy decision as I had to put my studies first and he was not willing to face the fact that I was not ready to be a parent at that stage.
Last year, I met a new guy. He seemed to have his head in the right place as he was 5 years older than me and very spiritual. He is also the father to 2 children by 2 different women, but I decided not to condemn him becasue we all have our baggage, whether physical or emotional. We started having sex very early in the relationship and I loved him so much. I was even at the point of praying for him more than I pray for myself. I recently found out that I am 4 weeks pregnant. I was not afraid to tell him because he drove this relationship so fast forward that I had no shame about my situation. The pregnancy was not planned as I was failed by the morning after pill.
The first 2 days of his knowledge about the pregnancy, he was ok, we never discussed it much. I dont have medical insurance so I started making arrangements for the baby. When I told him this, he flipped on me completely. He told me that the pregnancy is nothing to be proud of; it is a huge mistake that should never have happened and I shouldn't be excited about it. He further told me that this would destroy him and I must get rid of it with immediate effect. He also said that his firstborn, which he had when he was 17, was a mistake; his second born, which was born last year, was planned and my baby was just a huge mistake. He proceeded to tell me how much he loves me and that we will have lots of babies in the future - just not now.
He never onced asked how I was feeling, he made this all about him. I wonder how he expects me to be a loving stepmom to his existing children in the future (children he had by women he no longer loves) while I have to get rid of my child (me-the woman he claims to love).
I have thought long and hard about this and I have decided to have an abortion - not for him, but for me. I refuse to bow down to my circumstance. I take my hat off to ladies who choose to rise above everything with babies in hand. I do not want to live a life whereby I resent my baby for his/her father's and my mistakes. I have decided not to tell him about the abortion because that is the one thing he wants. I have officially cut all communication with this selfish man.

Editor's Comment

You have had a very sad and destructive experience in this relationship, and I suppose it was only when you faced a crisis that you discovered what this man was really like. As you say he was totally absorbed with his own feelings without finding out how you felt about the pregnancy. It will be difficult for you going through another abortion when you had started making arrangements for the baby. If you want to talk this through, or get some support please make contact with a pregnancy choices advisor through the helpline, or Online counsellor.