03 June, 2009

Why you don't play the bouzouki

I can play a bouzouki and you can't. Don't you want to know why? Here are some possible reasons that come to mind.

―First of all, the original bouzouki was a Greek instrument, and of course you aren't Greek, even though you may have belonged to a Greek fraternity, like to eat at Greek restaurants, and watched Zorba the Greek four or more times.

―Secondly, an Irish bouzouki, of course, was developed by Celtic musicians, but getting drunk on Saint Paddy's Day doesn't make you Irish either. Owning one of those "high-strung, dumb-as-a-roomful-of-Presidents-named-Bush" Irish Setters only makes you stupid, and rooting for "The Fighting Irish" of Notre Dame makes you the quintessential world class idiot.

―Thirdly, girls your mother may have told you that playing a bouzouki would make you flat-chested, and boys, your mother may have told you your peepee-er would fall off or you'd go blind. There is no scientific evidence to back up these claims. But I am willing to give myself up for research, if done by CSI NewYork actress Melina Kanakaredes, who of course happens to be Greek.

―Fourthly, you got confused when you tried to buy a bouzouki and bought a bazooka instead. Although it didn't look much like a musical instrument, you followed the owner's manual instructions to the letter, but when you tried to "play" your first note, you blew a hole clear through your neighbor's classic Mustang, and also took out three trailers in the park across the street.

It's true, the first and only bouzouki I've ever played was the one I built more than 25 years ago and still play today. By doing all the right research and painstakingly manufacturing your own instrument you end up with much more than something with which to enjoy making music. You learn to have the patience of Job. If you don't you will likely end up with an instrument that sounds like crap...but at least you won't be blowing up the neighborhood. Or will you?