Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Oh, fuck, fuck. The condom broke. Yeah, I do, but, like I was all up in there. Are you on birth control and stuff? Yeah, but, like, you know, there’s those– There’s those little guys that come out before the big party. You know? Should we maybe get a pill to be safe? I got a buddy, this guy Donald– him and his girlfriend were having sex– same situation. She got pregnant. Now they got a kid. His name’s Samson. No, no. I know this guy. He’s a friend of mine. Oh, then that’s anecdotal. I was confusing it with urban legend. Anyway, how about this? I got an idea. Let’s just google it now, just for peace of mind. Peace of mind. Yeah. — Dev Shah

“Okay. Um, I’m on this other site, and it says, ‘Yes, the pre-ejaculate fluid itself does not contain sperm. As the pre-ejaculate leaves the body, however, it may pick up sperm from a previous ejaculation that remains in the urethra.’ So, like, these other guys are just hanging out, and they just hitch a ride. I mean, earlier tonight. No, not at the bar, at my house. Like, here. Here– Like, you know, before you go out. If you’re a dude, you do that so you’re not… …super excited when– All right, um, well, should I call an Uber or something? Okay. Um, there’s an uberX that’s like, three minutes away. There’s an uberblack that’s like, 15 minutes away. Should I just uberX? Okay. I just didn’t want you to think I was being stingy with the ubers. All right. So Kingston will be here in three minutes.” — Dev Shah

And then the condom broke. Nope, but luckily, we got one of those Plan B things. So now two people that barely know each other won’t be raising a human child together. That’s dope. Shout-out to Plan B pills. — Dev Shah

“I think Plan A is you don’t drop a million of your sperm into someone you don’t know that well. You ever had a condom break? Really? Oh. So, Denise, for lesbians, is there, like, no protection. you kind of just go to to town on the puss? You don’t have, like, a drawer full of dental dams beside your bed? Ooh, that sounds nice.” — Dev Shah

Part of me is like, ‘yeah.’ It could be an amazing human experience. but then part of me’s like, ‘All right, later tonight, I want to get some pasta.’ Now, if I have a kid, I can’t go. I got to scramble to find a sitter or something. What if I don’t find a sitter, huh? Then what? What, I’m not eating the pasta? That sounds horrible. Yeah, they’re eating their little kid’s SpaghettiOs. They ain’t housing that fresh gnocchi. — Dev Shah

“I will say, you know, Kyle used to be just like us, hanging out, drinking and stuff, but he seems happier now that he’s settled down, in a way. Dark take on a good friend’s life. He is having a little birthday party for his kids next weekend. You guys want to go? Could be fun. There’s gonna be a bounce house. Bounce house.” — Dev Shah

Could you imagine being a kid and being entertained by this stuff? I mean, come on. Ooh, what’s this? No, I’m not done. — Dev Shah

“Hey, Alex. What are you doing here? What? You have a baby? It’s, like, your baby? That’s crazy. Who’s the guy that, um– did the– The dad… person? Dylan. Cool. When did– When did you guys meet? Oh, that’s cool. Cool. That’s great. Sounds like a nice white family. Ah. Well, that’s nice, too. You know, good for you, dating more minorities. Yeah. Hey, Arnold, this is Alex. Alex, this is Arnold. Uh, Alex is here buying some gifts for her baby.” — Dev Shah

I can’t believe Alex has a kid now. I’ve had sex with that person. And now a baby’s come out of that same vagina. Hey. What’s up, birthday boy? Wow, are all those presents for Zach? Man, my last birthday, all I got was a wine opener from Arnold. All right. Good to see you guys. Thanks for having us. Uh, yeah. Uh, not really. Wow. Cool. See you. Yeah, dude. It’s covered my rent for years now. No, no, no. It’s like this. ‘If you’re on the go, grab a Go-Gurt.’ — Dev Shah

“Dude, you’re a dad now. That’s crazy. How’s fatherhood? Mm-hmm. But it’s got to be so much work, right? I mean, don’t you miss going out and all that stuff? Fuck. Highlight of my year was when I crashed Zachary Quinto’s Halloween party.” — Dev Shah

“Hey. I just talked to Kyle. You could not have been more wrong. He seems so happy.” — Dev Shah

Hey, Amanda. What’s up? Hey, what’s up, guys? Lila, whats going on? How are you? I heard you got married recently. How come I didn’t get invited to the wedding? That’s not what I heard. I heard you have a husband. It was a small ceremony, just family and friends. Fine, whatever. I get it. Okay, well, I guess I’ll just keep that blender for myself, then. Grants, what’s up, man? All right, well, that’s cool. Um, you want to arm wrestle? All right. Oh, God. Oh, my arm! Ohh! — Dev Shah

“Not much. Ooh, did you see that new Denzel Washington movie yet? What’s that about? Oh, hey, why don’t I watch them while you go to the meeting and we’ll just meet up later at your place? Yeah, I’ll just take them to the park or something. Hey, don’t you guys want to hang out with me for a little bit instead of your mom? I’ll text you if anything comes up. Got it. Cool.” — Dev Shah

All right, who wants to go play in the park for a little bit? Oh, thanks. Cool. All right, let’s go. Wait for me! It looks like it’s gonna start raining again. We can go back to the apartment or we can get some ice cream. Awesome. I heard about this new place– This gelato spot. It’s supposed to be really good. You want to go there? 16 Handles? Frozen yogurt? No, that’s ice cream for losers. Let’s go to my spot. It’s supposed to be the creamiest. — Dev Shah

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t yell out people’s ethnicities. Sorry. All right, frozen yogurt. We made it. What flavor do you want? Ooh, I didn’t think about that. Well, how about I read them off? When you hear what you want, you stop me, okay? They have vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, cookies and cream, bubble gum, butter pecan, mint chocolate chip, rainbow sherbert… Nothing? Chocolate chi[, coffee, peanut butter cup, strawberry cheesecake. That’s it. That was the first one. Why didn’t you stop me? Fine. You guys get vanilla. I’m gonna try the strawberry cheesecake. But I want to try the cheesecake.” — Dev Shah

Whoa. All right, well, can we go at your house? We’re almost there. All right. Come on. All right, that’s you. Go for it. In the bathroom? No, I can’t do that. That’s frowned upon in the adult world. I’ll be right here. It’ll be fine. All right, let me see if one of these ladies will go, okay? Um, excuse me, madam, would you mind accompanying this young lady I’m babysitting into the bathroom? She’s a little scared. Uh, no, I just thought she looked like more of a mom-type person. Aw, come on. I didn’t say old. I said mom-type. I didn’t mean anything by that. I mean, come on. Just– Do you mind? It would really– I just don’t want– All right, well, guess I’m doing this. Thanks. You know, I understand why you’re not helping me. But I just want you to know in my heart, I mean no offense to either of you. Please watch Grant. So… what exactly do you need me to do here? So don’t clean up or anything? Great. I got that. All right, so I’ll just stand in the corner, and you do your thing, okay? And, you now, don’t tell anyone I took you to the bathroom. It’s a little weird. All right. Go for it. Uh, you know, I’m gonna make a noise so I don’t hear what’s happening, all right? Don’t get scared, okay? Done? Cool. Wash your hands. Let’s get the fuck out of here. — Dev Shah

All right, fine. Just give it to me. I’ll buy it. 30 packages? Come on, man. He was gone for a minute. He didn’t put his thing on all those packages. All right, fine. I’ll pay for it. Whose wallet is this? This is Kyle’s wallet. Goddamn. Oof. Hey, man. Sorry, I guess Grant stole your wallet earlier. All right. You mind if I use your restroom real quick? Thanks. Hey, you guys, sit here. You don’t touch anything. You don’t steal anything. Okay, and Grant, you stay away from the freezer. Man, I was just watching those guys for, like, an hour, and I’m destroyed. You had a kid for a year. How do you do it? What’s your secret? What? Are you serious? I thought everything was going really well. What about all that stuff you said earlier? God. Yeah, I guess that’s not really good party… What’s the word? Party… fodder. All right. Man, it smells really nice in there. You got to hit me with the deets on that candle. Sorry. — Dev Shah

“Oh, my God. It felt like ten years. Anytime I turned around, they were just causing mayhem. I just watched Grant and Lila for a couple hours. Jesus. It was so crazy. They’re just, like, running around and screaming and yelling, causing a ruckus. Yeah. Yeah, I get why you and Kate don’t have kids. Are you guys doing anything fun for the summer? That sounds amazing. You know what Amanda and James are doing this summer? They’re taking a trip to Costco– Yeah, to buy a bunch of grape juice and diapers or whatever fucking kid shit they have to buy.” — Dev Shah

Whoa, you made one for me? Aw, thanks. Whoa. Grant, Lila, and Dev. Aw, it’s a little racist, but thanks. I got to be honest. That looks pretty disgusting. I’m gonna eat this one. I’m sorry. Mmm. You guys, that is so good. It’s really good. Amanda, can I have yours since you’re eating their thing? Just a little bite? A little bite. Mmm! This one’s good, too! — Dev Shah

“Not really. I was just walking around in Washington Square Park one day, and this guy came up to me and said they were trying to find a minority for a Fruit by the Foot commercial, and I said yeah, and I got paid pretty well, so I just kept doing more commercials. I fell into regular acting from that.” — Dev Shah

Guys, thank you so much for coming. Brian and I just wanted to take you to a nice dinner to say thank you. You worked very hard. You came to this country. You gave us a better life, and we’ve never really shown our appreciation. So, uh… to our parents. — Dev Shah

“Well, what about you guys? What did you do when you wer eour age here in New York? What about for fun? What about when you were a kid? What did you do for fun then? Ma, what about your first day in America? That must have been pretty exciting. What about that first day, though? Did you go out and explore the city? Well, that’s really sad. Well, is there anything else you remember?” — Dev Shah

So crazy to think that every immigrant’s story is probably that insane. Yeah, or that my mom had a friend named Kunjilikaka. What a great name. — Dev Shah

“I am so sorry about that weird skype audition. If there’s any way I can read again, I know I can do better. Great. Huh? Well, whatever. It’s fine. I wasn’t doing anything anyway. Guess I’ll just head out. Grab a water. Are you fucking serious?” — Dev Shah

Nothing much. I just met with those movie people, and I’m not gonna get that part. No, you don’t usually show youtube clips at auditions. But thank you. All right, talk to you later. Bye. — Dev Shah

“Oh, my God, just bought these guys. Thanks for the compliment, reaffirmed the purchase. Thanks so much.” — Dev Shah

Oh, come on. I can’t ask Alice out. She’s so hot. She’s like at the level of hot, if I’m seen with her, people would assume I’m an Indian billionaire. All right. I’ll ask out Alice. Hopefully she says yes. We go to the concert. She sees my inner beauty. And we create a little ‘He’s all that’ scenario. Yes. Isn’t it? — Dev Shah

“Can you believe this, man? I had three days. She killed all my days. Why are people so rude? I’m a person. I’m just a bubble in a phone. Let’s just be nice. I asked this girl out a few weeks ago. She said nothing. They give you silence. Why? Make some shit up! You know? Uh, ‘I’m going to buy an air conditioner.’ Uh, ‘Just put a stew on, might be a few hours.’ That’d be great. Gets the message across. No one’s hurt.” — Dev Shah

I mean, I get that. But look, I ain’t Lil’ Funyuns. I ain’t Princess Love. I’m nice guy, Dev. And this concert’s tomorrow. — Dev Shah

“That hits deep. You got me, Denise. I’ve become the thing I hated the most. And the texts are off.” — Dev Shah

One sec. Laura, AKA journalist, says, ‘Hey, Dev, would love to go. but just to be up front, it’d have to be as friends.’ See? That’s classy. Honesty, I respect that. — Dev Shah

“Mm, yeah. This conversation isn’t that insightful.” — Dev Shah

I haven’t heard from you either. That’s a two-way street. — Dev Shah

“Um, I was on a date that is now over because she got thrown out of the venue. Uh, oh, no, I’m thrilled. She was a nightmare. She began the night with an aggressive Cartman impression and then ended it by being kicked out for stealing someone’s jacket. That’s what she kept insisting.” — Dev Shah

Um, I didn’t get it. They wanted me to do an accent, so… No, I know how to do it. I just feel weird doing that voice. Do you always just do the accent? Yeah, but isn’t it frustrating so much of the stuff we go out for is just stereotypes? Cab driver, scientist, IT guy. Look, I get it. There probably is a Pradeep who runs a convenience store, and I have nothing against him, but why can’t there be a Pradeep just once who’s, like, an architect, or he designs mittens or does one of the jobs Bradley Cooper’s characters do in movies? — Dev Shah

“Dude, it still happens. You see The Social Network? Max Minghella plays an Indian guy. He’s white. They browned him up. Who cares? If you go back far enough, we’re all 1/16 something. I’m probably 1/16 black. You think they’re gonna let me play Blade?” — Dev Shah

We don’t have a person like that. Like, who are you supposed to meet with? Deepak Chopra? The Indian dude from No Doubt? — Dev Shah

“I had to suffer through a minor racial trauma to get here.” — Dev Shah

Yeah, good to meet you too, Busta Rhymes. — Dev Shah

Look, man, Indians just aren’t at that level yet. Yeah, there’s more Indians popping up every now and then, but we’re like set decoration. We’re not the ones doing the main stuff. We’re not fucking the girls and all that stuff. We’re just not there yet. There can be one, but there can’t be two, you know? Black people just got to ‘there can be two’ status, you know? Even then, though, there can’t be three, ’cause then it’s, like, a black show or a black movie. Indians, Asians, gays: there can be one, but there can’t be two. — Dev Shah

“No, just Sean Hayes. Jack. Who? Really? Guess I never saw the show. Wow, that was in the ’90s. Props to Will & Grace team. All right, I get it! There can be two gays, all right? Progress exists. Shout-out to gays.” — Dev Shah

“It’s all right. I’m usually the clean person in a relationship, anyway.” — Dev Shah

Observational, spirited, nostalgic, a foodie, Dev Shah is an Idealist.

Arnold

“I mean, is Plan A having the kid? That’s a terrible plan. Hell, no. But to be honest with you guys, I rarely wear them ’cause they feel weird against my guy. Plus, I have a pretty low count.” — Arnold

“I spent a lot of time in spas and hot tubs and I think that high heat melted most of my boys.” — Arnold

Dude, babies are boring, man. It just doesn’t make sense. I mean, back in the olden days, you’d pop out those bitches, and they would tend to your farm, but we’re not living that agrarian lifestyle anymore. They’re obsolete. — Arnold

“That said, I do know some parents who still eat pasta. No, dude, Kyle’s done. He’s not getting any sleep. That kid’s shitting all over his house. He’s not seeing his friends. He hasn’t porked his wife in over a year. He’s over.” — Arnold

You really thinking about going to a baby party? Bounce house. Let me see that. Oh, my God, is that one of those pianos you play with your feet? I’ll be right back. Cool! — Arnold

“Dev. Did you hear me banging out that Chopin for you?” — Arnold

DiGiorno. Oh, really? What’s the name of that cutie? Lucien? You named your baby Lucien? That’s my lizard’s name. What a small world. He passed away recently. He was run over by an ice cream truck. Sad story. Thank you. Bounce house. ‘Preesh. — Arnold

“Yeah, it’s crazy to think that that baby has been in the same spot as my little bud’s hardware. It’s crazy, bro. Hey.” — Arnold

I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I borrowed it, and I broke it on this big beautiful bottle of Chablis. I’m sorry. — Arnold

I can’t talk right now, man. You’re distracting me from my bounce. With all due respect, ma’am, your son’s 20 pounds and he encroached on my bounce space. That’s not on me. That’s on Tristan. Ah! — Arnold

“Bro, you cannot take Brian, man. It’s gonna be an amazing show. You got a hot ticket, you bring a hot lady. No problem, buddy.” — Arnold

Dude, forget that journalist. Take Alice. She’s smoking hot. Plus she’s vibing on those slips, brah. Yeah, I totally agree with you. But for this one night only, because you have that sick ticket, you get a guest pass in her league. Dude, getting used by a hottie like that is way better than bringing Brian. At this point, I just don’t want you to bring Brian. I’m sorry, man. Listen, next week, you and me, aquarium. I know. — Arnold

“Yo, I think I know this girl. She DJs at my massage class sometimes and she plays a cool mix of eastern and chill wave. And she’s definitely little. And she definitely loves Funyuns.” — Arnold

Dudes, can we please not talk during the show? Respect my Cumberbatch! — Arnold

“Are you guys having a hard time with these accents? I haven’t understood a single word of this entire show.” — Arnold

Good call. You got to be creative nowadays, cat. For example, I really liked this girl, so I sent her an e-vite to my heart. She declined. — Arnold

“Oh, man, that’s the worst. Listen, tell us something. What can two gentlemen like us do to help?” — Arnold

I consider myself a feminist. A feminist is a person that thinks men and women should be treated equally. And I fully support that. So, my good sir, I’m a feminist. — Arnold

Dude, I know tons of fun facts. For example, did you know that all the ants in the world weigh as much as all the humans in the world? I’m just saying, if they possessed our intelligence and could somehow organize, it’d be a fair fight. — Arnold

Denise

Basically. If she’s looking good and smelling good, I’m down. I mean, there’s saran wrap and dental dam, but don’t nobody use that shit. — Denise

“I got some coconut oil– rub her down with that.” — Denise

Look, it don’t matter what you do. Nothing’s 100% safe. Kyle Cooper and his girlfriend were using condoms and birth control. Them jokers still had a baby. — Denise

“Dev, you wants kids? True, true. You know what the move is, though? You got to get one of those Trinidadian nannies in the mix. Then you’re straight chilling. You get the nanny to do all the grunt work, you get all the hugs and kisses.” — Denise

Hard pass. — Denise

“So between girl with the headband and journalist? I’ma go with the journalist. So just to recap, you’re gonna ask the most attractive girl? Interesting turn of events.” — Denise

Yeah, but here’s why you got to silence these fools, though. Some people don’t understand the “‘I’m busy’ three times means no” code. Look, I met this girl Michelle, right? Was not into her. So I gave her a few, you know, polite, busy excuses. Then this happened. That’s why you don’t engage. — Denise

“Wow, Dev. It’s as if all these women are just bubbles on your phone. Mm-hmm.” — Denise

You say that about every show. Last week, your favorite show was Chopped. — Denise

“Dude, I could watch Benedict Cumberbatch do anything. For real, he could play someone in a coma, just sat there, not moving. I’d still be down.” — Denise

Congratulations. You found a girl in a city of nine million people who’s willing to go to a free concert with your ass. Hit play, man. — Denise

“Was this Plan B apple juice girl? I’m grabbing drinks with Michelle, AKA Princess Love. Yeah, man. Look, she’s cute. Plus, I fuck with funyuns. I mean, I’m more of a cheetos girl, but whatever. Yeah, but she left me, like, one more voice mail, and I was just like, ‘A’ight.’ That place is such a shit show on weekends. Why do y’all always want to go there? More chickenheads to put in your phone and text nonsense to forever. Why don’t you go kick it with Rachel? Maybe Rachel’s magical. How are you gonna know if you don’t spend time with her? Look, people aren’t gonna always be magical right away. Maybe they’ll become magical. Or they’ll become garbage. Speaking of which, I got to meet up with Princess Love, AKA Lil’ Funyuns. Later, man.” — Denise

Rachel

“What happened? Okay. You have an extra one? Go ahead, put it on. Hurry. No, but you didn’t finish, right? It’s fine. Little guys? Do you mean pre-come? No, no. You can’t get pregnant from pre-come. Well, that seems anecdotal. That’s what anecdotal means. You take one example, and you apply it to everything else. Yeah. Okay, peace of mind. Okay. Great. Okay.” — Rachel

“Okay right here. ‘Pre-come does not contain sperm.’ Well, but when’s the last time you ejaculated? Wait. At the bar? I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. Oh, damn it. The little guys, they might be in me. I want to get the pill. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, that’s fine.” — Rachel

“Dev? Hey. You remembered my name. Well, I mean, I hadn’t heard from you. I’m actually really glad that I ran into you. ‘Cause it turns out that that plan B pill was a dud. And I had your kid– Kids, actually. It was twins. Yeah, one white, one Indian. So what did you think of the show? I’m here for work. I do PR for the label. But it was a secret show, so it was pretty easy on the PR front. I guess I fucked up ’cause a lot of people showed up. What about you? How was your night? What? Oh, my God, that sucks. Really? What happened? Ugh, brutal. But Cartman’s really funny, though. I’m actually headed over to the after party. It’s at Achilles Heel. If you want to come, I can talk to the person in charge of the list. Eh? All right, cool. Yeah, they are expecting child support, so… All right, bye.” — Rachel

“Hey. You showed up. Yeah, pretty cool. I mean, it’s a little bit of both. But I guess this is fun because I’m a really big fan of the band. The kids’ bands? Oh, and how was the show? Mm-hmm. Yep. Yes.” — Rachel

“Yeah, there are a million things that guys have no clue about that are so annoying. I don’t tell anybody about half of it.” — Rachel

“I’m 30 years old. I can’t just start over. I’ve been doing this for too long. What, I’m just gonna sit for a beat? What, am I gonna be 50? Or if I just sit around, hanging around, doing the same shit, working with the same bands that nobody likes? And I hate their music, and I hate my job, and, what, and I fucking hate my life?” — Rachel