Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My mom fusses at me all the time because I share too much.
She tells me I put too much of myself out there
and share TOO much personal information.
My mother is private. She holds everything in.
That's just her.

I on the other hand - have only this to give.
Myself.
Life lessons.
Things I struggle with, run from, hide from, deal with and sometimes....even LEARN from.
It's all I've got.

Sometimes, I pour my soul out for only personal therapy...
But then there's that one day, when someone reads something I wrote and says the greatest words I can ever hear....
"I needed to hear that today"
This is why I write
This is why I share.
It's my way of giving back the only way I know how...

So here goes.......

The last few days have been very hard for me.
My son is 15.
yes - those dreaded teenage years. We are smack dab in the middle of them.

Last week, after weeks of numerous conversations with my son about responsibility and chores and simple "helping around the house" requests... things finally came to a head.

Last week, my son left my house and went to his dad's.

As a little background, I have full custody of my son. His father and I were never married and after my son was born, I walked away with him. On my own. Just the two of us.
It's been that way ever since.
I have fought tooth and nail for 15 years to take care of him and protect him and give him everything and teach him everything that I could possibly imagine to give him a good life and a good foundation to build his own life on one day.
But after the final blow - I suppose he has decided that life with his dad would just be better.

I don't want to get into ALL the details as to what happened. But the reality is - although nothing is final yet - he wants to go.
A few days ago, he left on his regular visitation night with his dad and just never returned. When I called after several days - I was told that he didn't want to live with me anymore.
OH - the pain. My heart broke.
Now - don't get me wrong, this is his father - and after my husband and I sat down with my son and talked, he informed me that he just wants to spend some time with his dad.

Who can fault him for that?

He's a boy.
A teenager who never had a relationship with his father.

But you see........ I only know his father as the man who cheated on me our entire relationship. The man who cheated on me and ran to strip clubs with his friends while I was at home pregnant. The man who laid up in our apartment the entire time I was pregnant while I worked every day... up until 2 days before giving birth to my son in order to keep a roof over our head. The man who could NEVER hold onto a job.... the man who fought against and ran and jumped job to job for as long as I have known him in order to avoid child support. The man who never offered to help with anything "above and beyond" child support because it's can't cost THAT much to raise a child.
And I have HATED him for that.
That's the man I know.
And I'm still to this day working VERY hard on forgiveness.

Maybe he's changed. Maybe he's better now.
I don't know him now.
I only know him as that man.

But all my son knows him as ... is "dad"
And I will not fight that.

So after another ugly conversation last night - I threw my hands in the air and looked at my husband and said "I'm done. I can not fight anymore."
I.
AM.
BROKEN.

As I lay down in bed last night, heart broken and wide awake, it hit me.
I began this blog talking about my mother...
ironically...
because you see.......
at age 17 - after a long LONG time of fighting with my mother through the "teenage" years, I packed my bags and walked away. And my mother threw her hands in the air and said
"just go...."
And I went.
All the time hating my mother for "pushing me away"
hating her for "making me mind" and "wanting what's best" and trying to "teach me about life"
I hated her and KNEW that I knew best.
{or so I thought}

I BROKE my mother all those years ago.
And never even realized.
Oh... in time, I knew I had hurt her. I knew I was wrong.
I knew that I screwed up.

But last night... my mother's broken heart was laid out at my feet... broken and raw.... for me to see clearer than I ever saw before....
And man did it hurt.

So - although I'm struggling with what may be... I know that it's NOT that my son doesn't love me anymore. I know that he does.
It's just that HE just doesn't know any better than to just be 15 right now.
and as hard as it is and as much as it hurts....
I have to let him walk this road too.

I wanted to share this sweet little nugget from Criminal Minds tonight.
It really hit home with me.

"This isn't what I want - but I'll take the high road

Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson

or because I don't want to walk around angry

or maybe it's because I finally UNDERSTAND

There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept

There are things we don't want to know, but have to learn

and people we don't want to live without - but have to let go."

I did not WANT to know how I hurt my mother - but last night - I LEARNED exactly how hard a heart can really break. And to know that I did that to someone else just breaks me into pieces.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

So....
about ONE YEAR ago.... I started this thing called "blogging". I had NO idea what I was getting into - but I love to write and vent and someone shared this site with me. I slowly started reading and following and then ultimately GAINING followers. How COOL!
Before I knew it - I was addicted.

Here's the irony.
When I started blogging - I was in a weird place in life. Kinda drifting around you could say.
Dreams....
Ideas....
but nothing in stone. Nothing concrete.
Nothing BLACK or WHITE.
Therefore my blog title - Every Day in GRAY!!!! Not gray like sad... but gray like I was trying to figure out what was black and white in my life.
What I wanted.....with no gray area.
The gray was driving me crazy.

ONE YEAR later......
here I sit.....after blog after blog after blog about "love" and what I was looking for - I found it!!! It was right under my nose and I didn't even see it.
Career. YUP. CHANGE!!!!! Quit my job and went back to school
My career of choice......
ULTRASOUND!!!

READY for the irony.........
guess what ultrasound consists of!
Sitting in front of a screen, scanning the inside of patients and looking at .......
nothing else but.....
..................
..........

A GRAY SCREEN!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha
it's called "gray" scale!!!!!

And guess what.......
it's HARD as you know what - but I am SOOOOOo in love with what I'm doing!!!!!!

Check this out.......
Look at this.......

Do you know what THAT is???????
huh
huh
huh????
DO YA?????/
it's a liver!
and a gallbladder
and hepatics and a portal vein!
YUP - I CAN see that!!!

Everyone can see this........

It's a BABY!!!!!
look at that CUTE little face!!!!!
a little baby!
But I can measure it's head and abdomen and tell you if the kidneys have formed and see it's little heart beat... all FOUR chambers!!!

Yes - there are days when I want to pull my hair out and it's sooooooo overwhelming
and YES - it's ALL GRAY!!!!!!!!!