It was easy to miss it this week, but this could have been called “she’s never gonna touch you again, guy.”

The First Victim: Littlefinger, Petyr Baelish

The Executioner: Sansa Stark

Location: The Battle of the Bastards, The Godswood, on the ramparts at Winterfell.

How He Should Have Known: Baelish was the savior of Winterfell. It was because of his army, the Knights of the Vale, that the Boltons were routed. As he sat there on the ridgeline during the Battle of the Bastards, Sansa Stark next to him, I imagine he was probably pretty content at all his scheming. I imagine he expected that — at the very least — Sansa would take him out to a nice steak dinner and a movie and that maybe he might even get a handy out of it. Such are the expectations when you save an entire family from outright annihilation.

Instead of that, he got exactly two things: jack and squat. Not only did Sansa not rub up against him like an appreciative cat stuffed to the whiskers on Friskies Buffet, THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE HIM A SEAT AT THE POST-GAME MOOT.

THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE HIM A CHAIR TO THE SECOND POST GAME MOOT!

Um, hello? Hi, I might be a cock, but I’m pretty sure this cock just saved the lives of not just the Starks, but EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THIS ROOM.

Lady Mormont is alive because of Littlefinger. Think about that.

Yes, he did it for Sansa, theoretically, but he’s the one who controlled that heavy cav and he’s the one who ordered them to charge. Talk about the blue balls of the century. Ygritte would have a field day talking about his bone and stones after this one, boy.

The You-Should-Have-Known-By-Now Moment: Baelish is like “I want you to be happy…what don’t you have that you want?” And Sansa is like “Right now a little peace and quiet.”

OHOHOHO! That’s like saying SHUT THE FUCK UP in Dowtonabbeyspeak.

The Exact Nail-In-The-Coffin Line: “No need to seize the last word, Lord Baelish. I’ll assume it was something clever.”

Never gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it! Never gonna get it WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA

What He Should Have Done: After the meeting in the Godswood where he got stuffed last season, he should have tightened his collar and ridden off with his troops. It was time then to formulate another plan. That one had reached its conclusion. He most certainly shouldn’t have stuck around to get ZERO credit. He’s not fucking Xaro Xohan Daxos for crying out loud! His vault has fucking Vale Knights in it. He should have taken his ball and left the playing field.

What He Did: He just kind of hung around, like the asshole in your back seat who isn’t ready to go home yet. He’s like “If I just stick around long enough, maybe she’ll start to like me.”

No.

Chances Of Intercourse on a scale of zero to plus three satisfied Podrick Payne Consorts: 0. Negative Pods. She’s pretended for as long as she can. She wants none of that viper, and now that she has her home back, she can barely mask her contempt for him.

The Second Victim: Jaime Lannister

The Executioner: Cersei Lannister

Location: The Map Room, The Throne Room, King’s Landing

The Situation: Jaime has grown tenfold as a human being since we first met him trying to commit Childricide against Bran in Winterfell. He lost his hand and then jumped into a bear pit to save Brienne from certain death. I repeat: one hand, bear pit. He showed contempt for the repugnant Walder Frey. He saved his younger brother from certain death. He destroyed his reputation forever to save the half million residents of King’s Landing from incineration. All of his noble deeds seem to go out the window when he’s in Cersei’s vicinity.

Continue Reading After the Advertisement

Cersei, on the other hand, has just gotten worse and worse. Infinitely aware of her own vulnerability and the imminent dangers that surround her, she has adapted by becoming more and more ruthless. When Jaime was captured, she took a lover. Jaime still doesn’t know. She has a provincial thing going on where she never leaves one location (King’s Landing) but considers herself infinitely worldly. She empowered the Faith Militant to extinguish her enemies but was ensnared and humiliated by her own creation. She mothered three children almost to their mid-teens before they all met gruesome and miserable ends. She has tried, on countless occasions, to murder her own brother. Now childless, she is free to descend down into a death spiral of hatred and viciousness.

How He Should Have Known: When she asked him “are you afraid of me?” And he was like “should I be?”

UM YES? YES. I’LL TAKE YES FOR 500, ALEX. SHE IS A SENTIENT DEAN KOONTZ NOVEL. HER PORES HAVE CONCENTRATED EVIL FROM THE TIME BANDITS HIDDEN IN THEM. RUN, DUMMY! RUN!

Her answer to that, by the way, wasn’t NO. It was that Tyrion had been made Hand.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!

The Exact Nail-In-The-Coffin Line: Jaime and Cersei are out on the lanai watching the Ironborn fleet sail in and Cersei says “He didn’t come here for that.” Jaime says “Oh, what did he come here for then?” And Cersei says, looking right at him:

“A Queen.”

Aaaaaaand that’s it folks. Pack it up. We’re done here.

The Double Nail In The Coffin Line: When Euron, being a massive troll in the throne room says he wants a wife and he has “two good hands”. That is a kick in the balls to Jaime. Cersei says nothing, does nothing.

Jaime Lannister, you are the weakest link. Good bye.

What He Should Have Done: He had the right instinct in the Map Room when he gave Cersei this look:

She’s fucking unhinged. He should have taken the Lannister Army and marched for Casterly Rock, where he still has a chance to lead some semblance of a normal life and not be butchered by every enemy Cersei has made.

What He Did: Other than not running for his life? When Euron showed up he stood next to the throne in this position of weakness and whined out half-insults at Euron, who fended them off with ease because he’s a fucking troll. When Euron said the two hands thing, Jaime should have walked down the steps and chopped him in half. Or at least had a gold cloak poke him in the stomach with a spear once he was out of Cersei’s sight.

Continue Reading After the Advertisement

Chances Of Intercourse on a scale of zero to plus three satisfied Podrick Payne Consorts: I guess I give this 1 Pod. I can imagine Cersei using Jaime for sex when she needs comfort, but I think the clock has struck midnight for this relationship and he should be very afraid. Cersei will do what she has to to protect herself, even if that means sacrificing Jaime.