If all the world's a stage, where's the damn script?

Month: October 2009

In an extraordinary bid to lure traditionalist Anglicans en masse, the Vatican said Tuesday that it would make it easier for Anglicans uncomfortable with their church’s acceptance of female priests and openly gay bishops to join the Roman Catholic Church while retaining many of their traditions.—The New York Times

Congratulations on deciding to make the switch! If you’re a PC user who has just switched to the Mac and want to find out how to adapt your old working habits to the Mac OS, you’ve come to the right place. Wait. Sorry. That was plagiarized from Apple.com. But really, it’s not such a different concept. In converting to Catholicism, you are really just switching over your “files” (ideas/customs/most profound expressions of faith) to your “Mac” (Catholic) “hard drive” (brain/immortal soul.)

Although it may feel that you’re entering a brand new world on your Mac with Catholicism, you’ll be happy to know there are some interface elements that should be familiar from Microsoft Windows the Anglican church. For instance, you are clearly already experienced with suspending disbelief. The Anglican church has no central hierarchy, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is the first among equals. Right. That makes sense. (I’m rolling my eyes.) If you don’t think that’s weird, you are prepared for our notion of geography. Vatican City is in Rome, which is in Italy, but it’s actually its own city and country. Pretty cool, right? Similarly, once you start believing that communion is literally the body and blood of Christ, instead of a symbol, anything seems possible. Life is way more fun when you are optimistic.

When confronted with something new, it can be tempting to think of the ways it is a lesser version of the old. This will make you depressed. Instead, like a new boyfriend who you need to stop comparing to your ex who was actually a lot cuter and knew how to take you to restaurants besides Thai Gardens lunch special, try to focus on the ways Catholicism is great for its own special reasons. For instance, the Anglican church was founded by King Henry VIII, who, while mad hot on The Tudors, was actually a fat lard. The Catholic Church was founded by Saint Peter, who wasn’t fat and currently lives in heaven with Jesus and Peter Gallagher when he dies.

Besides Jesus H. Christ, history is filled with cool, famous Catholic people. What’s that you say? That’s because they were born before the Reformation? Sorry, I can’t hear you. My Ludwig Van Beethoven cd is on too loud.

Some other smaller perks include being able to write a great autobiography, especially if you are from Ireland. We get 50 cents off at Tasi Delight (with a valid Tasti Card), and all nail salons have a secret back room with secret colors that only Catholics know about, including Wafer White, Thorny Brown, and Vatican Velvet. These are also the names of our secret racehorses that run in secret Catholics-only races.

Speaking of races, a lot of people considering the switch have been asking about our policy on black people. We currently allow them. But we’re working on it.

In conclusion, although it may feel like you’re entering a brand new world on your Mac, with Catholicism, you’ll be happy to know thatthere are some interface elements that should be familiar from Microsoft Windows. Because Catholicism is way better and you are going to love life a lot.

Like this:

The recently-released movie adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s Where the Wild Things are has been quite a hit. One happy result of the success of the movie is that many people are returning to the original book. A surprisingly cogent essay on Sendak was written in 1980 by Hilton Kramer, before his descent into terminal crankiness. Kramer reviewed Selma Lanes book The Art of Maurice Sendak. Kramer’s review can be found in his book The Revenge of the Philistines.

Like this:

In a plot line inspired by Robert Frost’s poem Road Not Taken, fictional character Archie Andrews has already proposed to Veronica and will propose to Betty next month. I wonder what it would be like if other comics were inspired by poems…(imagine dreamy music and blurry vision.)

On His Blindness—John Milton

Spiderman is blind, worries about his moral value as a superhero, comes to a new appreciation for spidey sense.

The Imperfect Enjoyment –Lord Rochester

Calvin and Susie finally do it, it doesn’t go well. Probably because they’re in first grade.

The Waste Land—T.S. Eliot

The Green Lantern considers a stranger’s childhood in Austria, plays game of chess HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME into the fire Power Ring Jesus Buddah Shakespeare your mom HURRY UP PLEASE IT’S TIME and we shall play a game of chess The Giant Puppet.

An Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot—Alexander Pope

Superman laments his status as the number one superhero because it means lots of annoying hero-wannabes are all up in his grill for advice.

The Lady’s Dressing Room—Jonathan Swift

While visiting Professor Xavier at his Westchester mansion, Angel accidentally walks in on Marvel Girl while she’s changing. He finds out just how many pairs of spanx are required to get her into the green body suit.

Hollow Men—T.S. Eliot

Anthony Stark quits being Iron Man for a while, goes back to his company, but he’s just middle management. It’s not as fun as being a super hero and driving a sweet Audi. His alcoholism is less charming and more necessary

Like this:

According to the Daily Telegraph — alas, not a reliable source on this or any other matter — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is really Jewish. I’ll just quickly note that this opens up the way for a whole new round of jokes about Jewish self-hatred. My favorite in the category is Woody Allen’s emphatic denial of the accusation: “Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I’m Jewish.”