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Author
Topic: I mistakenly found out my brother is HIV + and has been... (Read 11545 times)

We have a cat sick and I was in sitting on his bed and saw a prescription bottle on his dresser next to the bed and recognized the pills... I was in shock. I'm 26 and home from law school for the holiday's and asked my mom... she played dumb and then asked why she wasn't more upset and figured out that she's known all along. He was in the hospital last year, but I never knew what the result was. I got upset and mad at first... how could my parents know and not tell me or my other brother that live in the house?

Then I got sad and I'm soooo upset now... why him? He's only 25... I told him that I was sorry he had to go through this and I hope he feels like he can talk to me one day about it... he's so super private and my parents found out my accident also. The pharmacist thought she was calling for my brothers medication when she was really calling about her own and mentioned something about it. He won't talk to my parents about it, but it seems he's more open with me, at least in the last couple of hours.

I'm soooo scared for him. I'm crying and feel so bad for him. I think it's worse knowing that he knows the person who gave it to him and he said that person purposely did it. The guy knew and did it on purpose. How can someone be sooo evil and get away with that?! How can my brother be the victum of such an evil act like that?

What can I do? How can hep? I want to be there for someone that is private and doesn't want us there....

We have a cat sick and I was in sitting on his bed and saw a prescription bottle on his dresser next to the bed and recognized the pills... I was in shock.

---- Welcome to this forum. Yes it’s a shock to learn something like that by accident. How come you “recognized” the pills? You know HIV medicine?

I'm 26 and home from law school for the holiday's and asked my mom... he played dumb and then asked why she wasn't more upset and figured out that she's known all along. He was in the hospital last year, but I never knew what the result was. I got upset and mad at first... how could my parents know and not tell me or my other brother that live in the house?

---- They were respecting the wishes of your brother to keep it to themselves. Its his task to tell who he wants.

Then I got sad and I'm soooo upset now... why him? He's only 25... I told him that I was sorry he had to go through this and I hope he feels like he can talk to me one day about it... he's so super private and my parents found out my accident also. The pharmacist thought she was calling for my brothers medication when she was really calling about her own and mentioned something about it. He won't talk to my parents about it, but it seems he's more open with me, at least in the last couple of hours.

----- If he is 25 and also on medicine he may have been infected for awhile - maybe many years even.

I'm soooo scared for him. I'm crying and feel so bad for him. I think it's worse knowing that he knows the person who gave it to him and he said that person purposely did it. The guy knew and did it on purpose. How can someone be sooo evil and get away with that? ! How can my brother be the victum of such an evil act like that?

---- What country do you live in? You need some education about how HIV is a chronic and manageable disease. Then you will feel less scared and feel less bad.

By the way if you are in law school, you can spell “victim” correctly. Also if you are in law school, you can understand that criminal transmission exists in many countries and many states in the USA. When your brother is ready to talk about ANYTHING with you, then eventually you can tell him your feelings about justice and transmission and see what his thinking is. It is possible he may not agree with the victim label you gave him. Also you assume the guy who “gave” it to him did it on purpose and is evil – but we in this forum don’t have the full story and probably neither do you.

Time will tell a lot. And meantime, educate yourself a bit more about the disease and its treatment.

What can I do? How can hep? I want to be there for someone that is private and doesn't want us there....

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

its just important that you be there for him if and when he needs you. I sometimes feel really uncomfortable talking to my family about HIV, but have a great support system through friends, counselors etc. I'm 25 and been positive for a year...he'll be okay. Its hard. But he will be ok. The best thing you can do is get educated about HIV, yeah its scary, but its 2009 and things have changed... good luck!

mecch, when someone comes to this board in shock and hurt, I hope you never respond to them. You are mean for no reason and how dare you put me down by saying what country do I live in and I need to get more educated. I know I need to get more educated! And I am! I just found out last night and sorry, but I haven't done all my research to be an expert on HIV. I'm doing that now, but I came to these boards to find support and I'm now regretting doing that since I got your response. And btw, someone that knows they have an STD and has sex with someone without telling them is battery and that is a crime. I didn't ask anymore info, but I trust my brother and when he said the person did it on purpose, I trust that he has reasons to know that. Thanks for your smartass comments to someone that has just found out someone they love has this scary disease and is in shock and disbelief.

Please hold on a moment, mecch meant no ill will by what he wrote...not at all!! He was asking your home country in order to gain some perspective. This site is international in scope and draw and some people have more access, more means to literature, support, etc.

I totally disagree with mecch regarding spelling the word 'victim'. I've known one brilliant lawyer turned judge to be a terrible speller. Spelling doesn't reflect intelligence.

Many of the things mecch shared with you are meant in a spirit of practicality and helpfulness. Take a deep breath, slow down your thinking and let your brother come to you in his own time. You'll be able to get a lot of your feelings out and let his in and from that you'll learn much.

It is a horrible, criminal event when someone knowingly exposes another person to HIV without informing beforehand. I agree with you. And, it is tough as a sibling to learn that someone did something so nasty---but, the damage is done and the propping up and getting on is what is ultimately important. Your brother may well know that his former partner infected him knowingly and this is a hotly debated topic on this website with many view points offered with little request. It's not anything I will offer my opinion on in this post to you plus, it's not helpful to invite in other opinions and conjecture at this time in your researching and mending from the shock.

Here's the good news. You've got a brother, he's alive, on meds, with a set of parents who love him and protect his privacy. Do you know how many people cannot say so many of these good things? Millions! Many people go into law hoping to do something good for society and perhaps what you learn through your brother will help you to steer your legal career to help people with HIV get fairer treatment in the areas of housing, access to meds, employment litigation, stigma, etc.

Em

I've got but a moment to write here while on break from work. Please re-read what mecch wrote (save for the spelling note --I'll clonk him for you on that)

Many people on these forums are happy to field your questions and appreciate your desire to support your brother in his battle with HIV. Feel free to send me a PM if you have questions/concerns you'd prefer not to post publicly.

I may be mistaken but read between the lines and wonder if you are/were concerned about your other brother's and your safety as far as possibly contracting HIV from your infected brother. If you do have concerns I urge you to read about the numerous studies that have shown casual contact, the kind you have with family members, friends, coworkers, etc. is virtually a no-risk or extremely low risk activity. There are definitely no-nos -- don't share razor blades (duh...) or even tooth brushes but drinking from the same glass, eating from the same plate, using the same utensil (e.g., taking a taste of ice cream from his spoon), using the same towel, etc. are safe. Just think about it -- if HIV were so easily spread entire families would be infected but that doesn't happen.

...---- You need some education about how HIV is a chronic and manageable disease...

That's your opinion, not a fact, especially when one considers the epidemic globally. I you were being ironic it was too subtle for me.

HIV disease has been around for about 30 years and even though vast improvements have been made in treatment no one knows what the future holds. Many viruses, such as Varicella zoster, can lie around in the CNS for years and suddenly cause Shingles. The virus that causes Hepatitis C slowly and almost imperceptibly destroys the liver and the infected person often finds out only when it's too late to do anything. Although newer treatments are less toxic in the short-term the long-term toxicities are unknown.

While a positive outlook and optimism are helpful to most of us living with HIV IMHO it's inaccurate and even misleading to declare HIV infection "manageable." When we infected reach 30, 40, 50, and more years in relatively good health I'll be ready to make such statements.

Of course that's just my opinion, too.

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String up every aristocrat!Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!

All of you guys, thank you so much! I honestly was going cancel my id on here, but you have made me feel a lot better. I felt so frantic yesterday and I know me putting I was a law student may have been very random, but I felt I needed to put that because my message was so frantic and I wanted people reading to know that I did have some intelligence although my message may have not conveyed that.

Boo Radley, you did read between the lines correctly. Yes, I was more worried for my younger brother since they live together. I did think it was irresponsible for my parents not to tell him because my younger brother is not the most hygenic person and is like a kid... so if he sees a razor, he'll use it, not caring that it's not his. The one that is HIV+ is very forgetful and my parents tell him to take the razors with him all the time, but he forgets. I thought they should have told my little brother so he could be aware to only use his in case the other one left one there. I know I am oblivious to a lot of things and have so many questions for my brother.

I'm scared for him... I'm worried... I'm so angry at that guy that gave it to him... I'm angry at the disease. I keep looking at him wondering if he's ok....

I'm learning and I'm researching so if I come off obnoxious, please forgive me... I only know about things I've heard over the years and I know things have changed so much for the better since then and I hope they keep changing for the better. Thanks to everyone.

Have you ever thought that he may have contracted HIV from someone that didn't know they have HIV? I'm sorry you said the guy did know he was infected. Had your brother ever read or heard that latex condoms used correctly and consistenly prevent HIV infection and most STDs?

Have you ever thought that he may have contracted HIV from someone that didn't know they have HIV?

Not just that, but plenty of people convince themselves in their mind that someone infected them on purpose because they're still in denial that they just simply fucked up on their own. Definitely when they're this young and still either coming out or fresh to their sexuality and other gay men. We've all heard this story enough on this forum over the years to know there's not this high level of purposeful and knowingly infectious people running around planting seed.

So with that in mind puffinslover, I'd just kind of steer clear of that part of the topic with your brother and see how it goes over the years. Also, I'm just curious about whether or not everyone in the family already knew that he was gay.

Puff, other people have put my comments in perspective for you. I apologize that I came off mean, sorry, really.

it won't help matters in the short run to be thinking about evil doers and all that. You can address these feelings when you know more.

I asked about what country , yes, to put the situation in perspective for this forum's members. You gotta believe that in many countries with good medical access and good drugs, HIV is considered a manageable chronic disease for the vast majority of HIV+ people. That is NOT opinion -- it is accepted in medical community.

Both the idea that your brother was a victim and that he is doomed -- these you must work hard quickly to overcome. I stand by my comments therefore and wish you every good luck.

« Last Edit: December 17, 2009, 08:45:20 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

there's not this high level of purposeful and knowingly infectious people running around planting seed.

What Philicia wrote above I totally and thankfully agree with -- while none of us knows the specifics of your brother's circumstances, it is more likely the person did not know their status than that it was done purposely. But, it does happen. Men and women alike have stories of deceit, successful court cases, etc. that include those who opted to infect them without warning of any sort. It is possible but very difficult to prove these sorts of cases.

There are many knowledgeable and kind folks who are members of this site. ANY questions you may have regarding your brother's medical status will likely be answered within a short period of time.

I'm glad for the comments I've gotten, but I do disagree with one thing... how can you advise someone to steer clear of the topic of someone infecting someone purposely? It happens. It's not a lie. Now that I know more, this person did know of the facts and knew he had it and did not tell my brother about it. I know it's a hot topic, but I think it's completely wrong. I don't get how you can tell someone to stay clear from those facts when those are the ones that angry me most. To me, when you say that, it's like you're trying to igrnore the fact that people do that.... and maybe you're not, but to someone that's new to this situation, that's how it's coming off... like trying to put it under the rug. It's not in his mind... this has happened to several people with the same person. I'm sorry, but I find it offensive (and I know I'm still sensitive to this stuff) to accuse someone of making things up in their head because they're young and angry about it. Yes, he is young and angry... anyone would be, but there's reasons to say this stuff..

I'm sorry for getting angry about this, but I think it's because it's new to me and because it's stereotyping people, which most of you don't want to do. It's assuming a lot of things that aren't true. Really, all of you have made me feel tons better, but to accuse him of making up things, that's not true.

Also, I'm sorry, but I forgot one thing... to ask if he's ever heard of condoms or something, is in my opinion ignormant. I've been stupid lots and lots of times. Probably more than him. To imply that because he didn't use a condom, it's his fault is wrong. Especially because the person he did it with knew he had it. I'm sorry, but I don't think this disease is anyone's fault. Yes, in the ideal world we would all wear condoms all the time and be safe. But it's not an ideal world. I'm probably pushing people's buttons, but I think it's wrong to put blame on someone because they didn't use a condom. I haven't used one 90% of the time and I've probably had more partners than him.... but you know what... I've had the luck of the draw. I hate it... I probably should have it more than him, but he got it. It's a random thing and infects people that do something that many people do. I just don't think my brother should take the blame for it when the person who gave it to him could have warned him. And yes, I know people are going to disagree with me on that fact, but I know more now and there's been more than one person.

I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. To put blame on someone because they didn't use a condom is absurd. I know you are going ot disagree and other may also, but it's common. I haven't used one plenty of time and have just been lucky. The guy KNEW he had hiv and should have insisted.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear that it's his fault he has this... so if you are going to blame him, please don't respond. I just want to know how tohelp him and be there for him. It's enough to know that the person that transmitted it to him purposely knew about it and didn't warn him. The law would agree.

Oh and your brother shouldn't have insisted? It was your brother's health that was at risk and your brother was the one that was careless. Unless you test together and know each others status you treat them as they are infected. You don't stop using condom until you are in a monogamous relationship and know each other’s status. Don't try to make it sound like your brother was not at fault too it won't fly here or on any other HIV forum.

Fine, RapidRob... so I guess you think it's okay for those that are infected with HIV to have sexual intercourse with someone without protection just because they don't insist on protection without knowing that that person is infected?

Yeah, makes perfect sense.

I guess that's why some are in jail now for doing that... yeah. Makes sense.

No not at all. But your brother wanted to "Trick" around then he should have used protection and he wouldn't have gotten infected. I'm not taking up for the other guy but you are trying to make it out that your brother didn't have any responsibility in him getting infected. Which totally doesn't make sense. Sure the guy could go to jail for non disclosure but that doesn't change the fact that your brother contracted HIV from being irresponsible

Trick around? Really? I'm done... I really though I could find support here because I don't know where else to go, but it's like there's attacks everywhere. You wanna say trick around? So, I guess anyone that's had unprotected sex has tricked around??? I've done it... I don't think that's tricking around. I think it's part of life and it happens. I'm taking up for my brother because I know people do it all the time... i've done it... many people have and we're fine. So, he does it once (he's not the promiscious type at all) and he gets it? I'm angry about that. I should have it! I've done way worse things than him... my friends have done way worse things and have slept with whoever.... why is it that he slept with a guy he actually trusted and liked an d deserves this? I deserve it more than him.

I'm so angry wit hthis... I'm so scared and confused. I don't think it's fair at all. I hate this... it's weird but I wanna kick HIV's ass. I know it's not possible, but I think it attacked him for something that people do in everyday life. For something that's not part of his everyday life. He's not a risky guy... I and my friend have been risky... it should have been me or something that it would be more expected of.

I'm sorry, but I think when someone knows the yhave it and purposely decides not to disclose it to someone and has sex with them without a condom, they are to blame. I think that takes an evil person to do something like that and I wish I knew who it was that did it. He won't tell meand I respect that.... but I'm so angry that he has to deal with this because someone couldn't and chose to speak up. Yes, he didn't use a condom, but many people haven't and he trusted that person. Yeah, it's stupid and niave, but that person had a responsibility that he chose to disregard to put someone else in harm. How can you justify something like that?

I don't want to be upset anymore. I want to deal with this as best I can and it doesn't seem like this is helping to me. I love him and I know this wasn't his fault. This was the act of someone with evil intentions and to try to excuse that person is beyond my scope right now.

Thanks for everyone's reasoning and words... it did bring light to me. I just can't dealt with anything else at this point.

I'm so angry wit hthis... I'm so scared and confused. I don't think it's fair at all. I hate this... it's weird but I wanna kick HIV's ass. I know it's not possible, but I think it attacked him for something that people do in everyday life. For something that's not part of his everyday life. He's not a risky guy... I and my friend have been risky... it should have been me or something that it would be more expected of.

It is understandable that you feel all these emotions. Nothing that Rod or the other members have said is meant to be offensive or unreasonable. Once you are past this initial shock, and you are able to have an objective conversation with your brother, you will probably hear the same thing from him (as long as he is reasonable and has accepted his own role in becoming infected). There is a big difference between "blaming ourselves [or someone else] for being HIV+" and accepting that this is simply the consequence of some past mistake.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

It seems that you are also projecting a little, of your own remorse and fear and guilt about your own lack of safe sex, and wondering if you will continue to win the crap shoot. But continue taking risques like you report and you could end up in the same situation - of course by your view, because of yet another evil doer or typhoid mary. The one who "infected" your brother has infected many others you say. This is all very urban legend like. That evil doer must be a total babe if he's convincing all these partners to abandon safe sex so he can complete his plan to ruin the lives of so many.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Well, not sure if you are still around or not but am just getting caught up on the forum and wanted to respond. I also had to deal with the anger when I found out my brother had acquired the virus but my situation was a bit different due to him probably getting it from his partner who I also loved. Regardless I was pissed at his partner and pissed at him for a while. I totally agree that people who have HIV should not be sexually active without informing their partners but the fact remains that if your brother would have insisted on a condom it wouldn't have mattered quite as much. Being sexually active and using a condom with someone who hasnt been tested is like playing Russian Roulette. Doing it without a condom is like reversing the number of bullets and blanks in the gun. At 25 he knew what causes HIV, knew what he should be doing, and didn't. He has to take the blame for his part. It is a hard pill to swallow and I know I still choke on it sometimes but facts are facts. As far as him getting infected and you not, I echo you there as well. I have had my fair share of partners and haven't always (in fact almost never) was careful. I got lucky as did you. Our brothers didn't and that sucks! HIV sucks! AIDS sucks! Get angry (BTW it is OK to be pissed at your brother) and get on with it. I still have my moments but they are fewer and don't last as long these days. I wish the same for you.

Trick around? Really? I'm done... I really though I could find support here dealt with anything else at this point.

Okay... I'm going to be blunt.

If you want help.... shutup and listen. If you want a whipping post, then by all means quit this site and try another.

Everyone who has responded, including myself, is trying to help you. Take what you read with a grain of salt ( a valium and a vodka if you need it too!).

First rule: You can't help someone who does not want your help. (read that a few times and understand it).

Second: LISTEN to your brother. Be there for him. He will ask for what he wants and needs. I'm not your brother so I can't speak for him. I can tell you that I don't talk about my HIV with my family because it is none of their business. I'm healthy and plan on outliving them. When that changes I'll reivist my decision to discuss it with them.

Third: In life you will find that you cannot change some things. Being infected with HIV is something that cannot be changed. You can't return it to WalMart for a refund. You can give it away but you cannot get rid of it. Everyone has the choice to be "stuck" on that which they cannot change, or to focus where they have power. Revisiting how someone became infected is salacious at best and pointless mostly. It cannot be changed and therefore has little value.

Fourth: It may be hard for you to accept the finality of life. You are young. When we were young we all felt like we would live forever. Being old, decrepit, and sick seems like it is a long way off when you are young. HIV challenges that by bringing the opportunity for illness and death much closer. It's really just perception. The opportunity to end life is always with us. I recommend that you see a counselor at school to talk about some of your feelings and work through them. It will help you to be a stronger person, a better brother, and to overcome things that may hold you back in life.

Fifth: The fact that your brother is taking meds means he wants to be in good health and to live a normal life. Support him by treating him just like you always have. Respect him by keeping his secret. Love him by being there when he needs you.

Sixth: Your parents chose to respect your brother's wishes and did not tell you. It's very possible that your brother chose to leave the bottle of meds out as a way of letting you know. Everything happens for a reason and few people are so careless.

Lastly, take this opportunity to grow your thoughts. It will make you a much stronger and better person. Your writing shows that you care deeply and that combined with dedication and knowledge will make you a good counselor. You cannot act with haste to succeed. Life, like law, is a chess game. Measured actions deliver predictable outcomes.

HIV is a hurdle to be overcome or an excuse to suffer. It is not the limitation you think it is. Those of us with HIV can live a full life when we take care of our bodies, pay attention to our health, and respect our limits.

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Don't obsess over the wrong things. Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion. It's about getting out there and enjoying it. I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

So sad was ur brother not able to press charges on this person being they did it on purpose. People are very evil, I think the person that gave it to my brother probably knew to but my brother has no clue where he got it from.

So sad was ur brother not able to press charges on this person being they did it on purpose. People are very evil, I think the person that gave it to my brother probably knew to but my brother has no clue where he got it from.

Broken,

This line of thinking is often very unhelpful. The whole "press charges/blame someone" mindset actually prevents people from getting on with their lives.

So sad was ur brother not able to press charges on this person being they did it on purpose. People are very evil, I think the person that gave it to my brother probably knew to but my brother has no clue where he got it from.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

First, for Puffinslover, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. As you can see many of us here have had HIV for a long time and are still OK, so please don't feel too bad about it! But it is natural to go through anger and sadness, so don't worry about that either.

I think this should be addressed:

Quote

I did think it was irresponsible for my parents not to tell him because my younger brother is not the most hygenic person and is like a kid... so if he sees a razor, he'll use it, not caring that it's not his. The one that is HIV+ is very forgetful and my parents tell him to take the razors with him all the time, but he forgets. I thought they should have told my little brother so he could be aware to only use his in case the other one left one there.

Could someone get HIV from shaving with the same razor someone else used? Is it possible?

First, for Puffinslover, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. As you can see many of us here have had HIV for a long time and are still OK, so please don't feel too bad about it! But it is natural to go through anger and sadness, so don't worry about that either.

I think this should be addressed:

Could someone get HIV from shaving with the same razor someone else used? Is it possible?

No, it is not possible. The virus is fragile and doesn't tolerate variations in pH, temperature or exposure to surfactants. HCV infection is possible when sharing razors, but not HIV infection.