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Monday, July 8, 2013

Becoming Timeless

I'm kind of an old dude but with age comes wisdom and I've figured how to become immortal. You should send me at least five bucks or maybe $3.78 at the least, once I share. The information is priceless so you'll be getting a real bargain.

I've realized how, through no significant acts of your own, you can become famous throughout the whole wide world for all eternity. These secrets were made known to me by my friends Jane, Stephanie and Marge (Margaret to those of you who don't know her as intimately as I) and, of course, there was Bill. One caution, these people probably wouldn't recognize me at a party so don't name drop. Anyhow, if you want a successful relationship and untold fame you have to become one of two things. A: An unemployed man or, B. A lazy-assed woman. Hear me out.

Colonel Brandon, Captain Butler, Officer George Wickham, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Romeo, Jacob, Edward, all men who, while unemployed to the best of my knowledge, still had the uncanny ability to tote women across fields, up mountains, up stairs, over forests, anywhere these women needed to go. I don't know if Romeo actually toted Juliet anywhere but she knew anyone who could shinny up that balcony like that little scamp did could certainly tote her someplace if need arose. Captain Butler took those stairs four at a time toting Scarlet who, by the way, couldn't even go down the things alone adequately. All through those stories, Colonel Brandon hauled Marianne Dashwood across that field in the rain, Jacob hauled Bella's lazy butt up a mountain and Edward could zip her above the rain if she was disinclined to get wet. History is replete with women who couldn't, or wouldn't, walk on their own and unemployed men who toted them.

You get yourself unemployed if male, or lazy if female, and history will not forget. You might find inheriting jillions of dollars won't hurt but trust me you get to be in books, people will make coasters and lunchboxes and crap about you , things will get really cool.

Driving Tip: You're the driver, you know your skills (I hope) and the handling characteristics of your vehicle. Don't let your buds or any passenger or an operator of another vehicle or anyone else dictate your speed, following distance, brake application or any other aspect of getting your car down the road. If that back seat driver won't shut up, drop them at a bus stop. The bus driver is a trained professional with experience who will, I'm sure, allow that passenger to have a much more rewarding traveling experience than he or she is having with you. They'll thank you in the end.