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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Mmmmmm, mmmmm good. I'm sitting here feeling like I'm going to throw up because I just had to take a second helping tonight. (I'll have pictures and more about Thanksgiving tomorrow.) After dinner, I spread out dozens of flyers and planned my strategy for hitting all the sales tomorrow. Actually, I'm only planning on hitting one or two stores in the morning. I bet about half of you think I'm insane for even considering going out into the crowds to get a deal. You're right. It takes a good dose of insanity to battle all the lines and crowds and craziness. Yet there's something fun and exciting about those after-Thanksgiving sales. The years I've gone in the past were filled with a kind of excitement. The people I encountered were friendly. Christmas music pumped through the store's speakers. I walked through the crowds of people juggling winter coats and packages while I sipped eggnog flavored coffee and thought about the upcoming festivities - decorating the tree, wrapping presents, having people over for dinner, baking Christmas cookies with my kids. I have good memories of this time.

Last year I sent my husband on the black Friday mission. He did not fare so well. There were awful traffic and parking problems. He ran into people who were greedy for the last toy. They were so anxious to get down the aisle that they didn't care about plowing their carts into other shoppers. He stood in long lines only to discover the item he was looking for was sold out after waiting an hour to get to the front. He came home empty handed after hours of frustration. He will definitely not be going again. I think I'm going to finish my shopping from catalogs.

'Tis the season for catalogs. Lots and lots of catalogs. I get about a dozen catalogs a day this time of year. I hadn't had time to look at them, but I just couldn't bring myself to recycle them either, so I'd been piling them up, fully convinced I'd get to them "eventually". When the stack of books hit my ceiling last night, I finally took the time to look through them. While perusing the holiday gift giving offerings in these books, I marveled at the many items that were actually for sale. I contemplated the kind of person who invented said items. I wondered how a company could think, "This is a great idea! Let's market it." I tried to envision the kind of person who would buy such items. And then I ran to my computer to compile, for you, my devoted readers, a top ten list of gifts you don't want to give (or receive) this holiday season.10. Aqua Friends Bath thermometer - This handy gadget warns you with a flashing light when the bath is too warm. It's a good thing we have this marvelous invention now. How ever did generations of parents manage to bathe their children without scalding them before this nifty thermometer came along? Oh yeah, we put our hands in the water to make sure it wasn't too hot!

9. Butthead Game - What could be more fun than strapping on a velcro covered hat with a buddy and throwing balls at each other's head? I think the name says it all. And check out that kid's expression! This is what will happen to you after having balls thrown at your head for an hour.

8. Dog Doo Candle - It's a candle that looks like a pile of dog poop. Nothing warms your home on a rainy day like the smell of a dog poop candle flickering in the evening. Ahhhh home sweet home.

7. Foam Party Machine - You pour baby shampoo in and this machine spits foam out all over your house. It's almost as much fun as a broken washing machine loaded with an entire bottle of detergent! For those times when your kids don't make a big enough mess on their own, help them out with the Foam Party Machine. "Makes oceans of foam... use it indoors or out." 6. Airheads - It's a propeller that you lick and stick to your head. Its blades spin in the breeze. Why, you ask? I have no idea, but it's on sale and for only $3.48 you can look like an idiot.

5. Bug Listener - It's a microphone so you can listen in on bug's conversations. What do you suppose bugs say to each other? "OK, everyone understand the plan? We're marching into the house tonight and taking everything in the pantry with us. No prisoners! Ready ants? Go!" Or maybe, "Hey Mosquito Fred! How's it going? Have you tried the little red head's blood? It's De-Lish!"

4 1/2. Twirling Spaghetti Fork - It's a motorized fork that spins around. This is the perfect gift for the pasta lover on your list who is also too lazy to move his fork! Maybe next year they'll invent a fork that actually moves to your mouth by itself too.

4. Slingshot Flying Chicken - It's a slingshot! It's a chicken! It's both! What could be more fun than a flying chicken? I can't think of anything! Fling a chicken across the house, into the yard, or at innocent passersby! Fun for the whole family!

3. Farting Salt and Pepper - That's right. Salt and Pepper shakers that make farting sounds when you use them. Nothing says, "please pass the beans" like the sound of flatulance.

85 comments:

I am sad, shocked, and appalled that the first thing on your list is one of my favorite gadgets for baby! I actually use it to get the tub as hot as I am "allowed" for baby since we tub together. My husband thinks my skin is missing heat receptors. I just like to be cozy. Now the OTHER things on your list, they are ridiculous. LOL.

Thanks for the warning, you're right, I don't want to give or get any of those. The only one that even made any sense at all was #10. the Aqua Friends Bath thermometer, but I wouldn't even give that, (or want one.) Years and years and ages ago someone told me that it was actually your elbow that you should use to test babies bath water. Apparently the skin of the elbow is more sensitive that your hand and closer to a baby's sensitive skin. Well...you don't need a lot of water for a baby and I had put a towel on the bottom of the tub, (I don't think they even had baby bath tub's then and it never occured to me to use the kitchen sink then either), but anyway, since there was hardly any water in the bottom of the tub I leaned in to test it with my elbow and almost fell in face first! Back then those things would have been a lot more useful but not anymore. You have much courage to face black friday, I only did it once, that was enough!

Dawn,Thanks for being the happy ending to many of my days! I love your humor and the relevance it has to so many people. Since moving to Texas from Chicago last January, I am homesick for a 12 hour shopping day at Woodfield Mall with my mom and sister. Tomorrow just won't be the same!!Fellow Fremd grad

yep, can't believe stuff like this exists. my stepdaughter won a flying pizza slice after selling fundraisers at school!? i think the chicken would have been better, at least they have wings!! i am very surprised that we didnt have more of the things on your list. i always say we have all the cool stuff at our house!!

OK, I've been a reader for quite some time, but never managed to post, although I enjoy all your posts TREMENDOUSLY. I must write now to thank you for the butt head game idea, because I have 4 boys and that will just totally make their Christmas. If there were other girls in the house, I don't think it would be as enjoyable, but their sense of humor is apparently rubbing off on me, and I can't WAIT to be able to say, "Forget all I've ever told you about games, aim for your brother's HEAD this time!" Fun times ahead, I tell you~Angie

Okay, I just have to say... that whole flying chicken thing? Would go perfectly in my circle of friends! Maybe it's just a drama thing, but when we had a closed circuit TV link for a production we had a rubber chicken that went sailing across in front of the camera to try and make the actors mess up their lines... (think TV screens where footlights would be on a stage) And from there it just progressed into a running joke...

And as for the bath turtle... they have these little yellow duckies with HOT on the bottom that turns white if the water is too hot. And who doesn't have a yellow rubber ducky in the bath anyway? These just have an added feature. We have 2 - Target rules!

Dawn,First of all, I NEED to know where to get the salt and pepper shakers. They are perfect for my brother, they can accompany his tooting. I also think that the butthead game would be a big hit at my house. They already throw things at each other, why not make it a game and get points for it. Maybe it could be combined with the flying chicken game. Now that's entertainment! I can't believe you are going shopping tomorrow. My kids wanted me to take them in the morning. They have never been shopping the day after Thanksgiving. (they have no clue) I actually would fear for their safety.(Except for my 7 year old, he would beat the snot out of anyone who dared to try to get in front of him. He always has to be first. I pity the fool who gets in his way) Last year at a local mall, several people were trampled when they opened the doors. What happened to "Peace on earth, good will to men?" I guess that doesn't apply when you have a chance at buying a Nintendo Wii for half price.Last year I did most of my shopping online. This was a beautiful thing. A few clicks on the computer, and it shows up at your door. What could be better?I must be getting old and crochety, because I just can't stand the crowds anymore.Good luck with the shopping tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about your adventures!I actually talked about the day after Thanksgiving shopping in my blog also. May your shopping cart be filled with everything you were looking for, and may it all be half price!Thanks for your blog!Jillhttp://andimeanit.blogspot.com/

One year while shopping on Black Friday, I politely asked a group of women to please "excuse me". They were blocking a walkway and nobody could get through. After repeating myself a couple of times, I finally just started nudging my cart through their little crowd. Well, one of the women said...very snottily..."Well, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE THEIR HAPPY PILL!!" My sister in law and I busted out laughing. It made our whole shopping day worthwhile. We do the shopping thing every year in a group and have a great time.

I love the flying chicken! My hubby collects weird things- we have a duck that dances the chicken dance and makes strangling noises while paddling its feet when you grab it round the neck. It's a favorite with all three kids (including the grown-up one).

Fortunately, the Twin Terrors are too small to actually send the chicken flying, but I can already imagine lots of laughter and clapping when Daddy shoots it around the park on Daddy Day. YAY! Thanks for the idea. Now I just need to get it in Germany. Keh, just ask Mom and Dad to export. Less hassle.

As to Christmas shopping... I'm one of the harried crowd running around on Dec 24th trying to find their Christmas presents for everyone. Before Christmas is such a busy time for legal work (family lawyers have it even worse. Apparently, there's no time like Christmas for a divorce. We business types just have to deal with Dec 31st deadlines) that both my DH and I work while simultaneously cooking and feeding the children, playing with them, talking on the phone and giving each other a goodnight kiss. I think they call that multitasking, we call that Christmas preparations.

So, Christmas shopping from catalogs sounds like a spiffing idea! I think I'm going to try it this year.

Hmm... I'll have to brave the crowds for Christmas cookie ingredients though. A neighbor is going to teach me German confiserie. I'm a bit nervous, since I'm a very, very, very messy cook, but... it's her kitchen. Not mine! And the kids can come! Hers are a bit older (four and two and a half years old respectively) but I think they'll get along splendidly with the Twin Terrors. They may be smaller than your average one and a half year-old but they're pretty enterprising.

I'm in a very christmassy mood now, thanks Dawn! You solved one of my persistent struggles with Christmas, and your wonderful product overview just made me smile and laugh. I think the twins are catching on, too, because Lucia just waved at my laptop and said "be good, make Mommy laugh!".

I am a mom of 5 (ages 2-12) and I can really relate to your blog! I love your recent one on removing the carpet!Sounds like my house!

I just wanted to let you know that I in fact have one of the items on your list- the flying chicken. And of course the only person who would have enough brains to give this to my children, would be their single, childless uncle. But that's not all- we have the the screaming flinging monkey and duck. And nothing says "good morning" like a screaming monkey being thrown around your room! The reason I haven't thrown it out- payback! Someday I will be able to use it mwah! ha! ha!

Actually- I still have to shop for him and one item caught my eye- the poop candle- is it scented?

The chicken slingshot is actually really, really cool! It crows as it flys through the air and I have one in my desk at work and we keep one at home. Once a month or so, one of my kids will stumble across it and lay in wait for some unsuspecting family member to walk by. Good times...

Now I liked the spaghetti twirler fork. Who has the time to help out your 2 & 4 year old insist that you twirl their spaghetti for them? Not to mention the sauce on your clothes while you reach across the table to twirl it? It's bad enough to spray out the sauce stains on even the play clothes. I personally like my spaghetti warm and hate being interrupted between bites because "It came unwound again, Mommy! Twirl it back!" I think the spaghetti fork is great for those of us with toddlers!

My daughter and I were up at 3:30 a.m. to get to Kohls by 4:00. They seriously need to work on the check out line problem. It took us an hour. We'd made several new friends by the time we were done. Thankfully the next store I wanted to go to wasn't open till 6:00. Every year I say I'm not doing that again, but every year I'm up and doing it. You're right, there's just something fun about it. Thankfully I'm a morning person. Although 3:30 is still not morning. I was done by 7:30 and came home and made breakfast for the family!

OK u r making WAY too much fun of Spilsbury!!! I do luv the Butthead game and for $8.88 was wondering if my lil nephews would be into it. I have to guess that the Mangroomer was in Sharper Image? You should forward this list to Dave Letterman...!

Reason #123 for living waaaay out in the boondocks: No Black Friday Shopping. As a matter of fact, the only "shopping" I will do today is to cruise by the grocery store to see if any of the fresh turkeys are on sale...Otherwise, we'll be installing new garage door openers today. And eating pie. And I think I need that back groomer...

Thank Goodness i have learned NOT to eat or drink while reading ... I lost it laughing and as usual everone believes they have confirmation that i am NUTS. Thank You and i am one who will NEVER go out on black friday (i used to work retail) have mercy!Happy day after ThanksgivingLaura~peach~

OK- now that I have stopped laughing, I have to comment on the Math calendar. Someone actually gave me one last year. Why, you ask? Well, because my son attends the Illinois Mathematics and Science Academy in Aurora. The calendar was supposed to be for him. Needless to say, when I gave it to him, his reaction was pretty much the same as yours! He may be smart, but doing a math problem for fun each day is not his idea of a good time. He has enough math homework as it is.

What a great list! I wanted to tell you that there is a website called catalogchoice.com where you can decline all those catalogs to save trees. It's really easy - they contact the companies for you. Check it out!

You are MUCH braver than me...I'm not a big shopper to begin with, so days like today in the stores are definitely not what I call a pleasant experience LOL Luv the top 10-1/2 picks of goofball ideas for gifts! I have to agree!!

Hope you have a great time out and about, and find everything you're looking for. I'm seriously considering going the Amazon.com route this year LOL

HA!!! That's hilarious... I was thrown a bit by your first one -- thinking you were serious about your list. I thought -- who in the wide world would she give a poop candle to? CRAZY!!

YUCK... some people are just pure silly!

You know what? Our local Wal-Mart sent out a flyer for BLACK THURSDAY prices... until 11:00 -- SAME prices as they were last week... does that mean they are going to raise the price of these things today?? Hmm... seems a little deceitful, but you know... I'm not the retailer.

Praise God I've only got a majority of my shopping left to do... that's because I started in April this year. Whew... what a good feeling!!

Actually, for a homeschooling family, the math calendar would be great. I can picture my kids anticipating the new problem each day. My 11yo would probably do all the problems the first week we had the calendar though.

FINALLY some great gift ideas for my brothers! What else am I supposed to buy my D.I.N.K.(double income no kids) brother and his wife. They have all they ever wanted...but a back shaver, now that's the ticket!

I gave my husband the math calendar one year. He actually loved it (major in physics, masters in electrical engineering). One of his co-workers told me my DH was the only person he knew who did mathmatical equations just for the fun of it. My sister sent me one of the t-shirts with "What part of (long mathmatical equation) don't you understand?!" on it and he found an error in the equation. Myself? I would LOVE the flying chicken and the butthead game. I guess opposites attract.

Hi Dawn,I was behind and just read the past 2 days of your blog. Yesterdays post brought tears to my eyes as well as a smile to my face. I spent today with 2 of my 4 kids in the E.R. so I'm especially thankful for healthy kids. It's also so sweet of you to be thankful for your readers. You really do make the day start off in a good way for me personally, so I'm thankful for your blog and understanding of the day to day life that seems so mundane but is what makes the world go round.Nancy

No one will probably read this far down in the comments, but just in case I would like to ask all of you to read my post, "The Pledge". I am pledging to not buy or accept any Christmas gifts this year that are made in China. My goal is to get others to do the same.

Ok, at least I know I'm not alone. Dawn, I look at those items, and some of them aren't so bad... the turtle I could see being *fun* to have in the tub (of course my 4 for $1 rubber duck is just as fun so hmmm).

I actually may GET the twirling spaghetti fork. My four year old isn't quite ... accomplished at using a fork (he likes to use his other hand to place things on the fork, rather defeating the purpose OF a fork -- when should I expect that he starts to become independent with a fork?), but pasta is his #1 favorite food. I've shown him how to twirl spaghetti, and he loves it when I do it. Ahhh, to be able to eat dinner and come near finishing around the same time they do (20 minutes after them today since I got 2 bites in before needing to "help" and referee the rest of their meal). Can you provide a list of what catalogues had each of those items? :)

And if I had an older nephew, I'd buy the chicken. Unfortunately, it's one of those toys I think is sorta cool (yeah, somethings wrong with me) but wouldn't want to have in my house!

And ummm my husband is a math teacher. And uhhh the back hair shaver thing is one of those *evil* but oh so fun gifts, too....

Then again, I did some shopping today, which is the FIRST time I've ever been out. Wal-Mart at 9am? There was a cashier waiting for ME to get into line. Costco? No problem, even got the second from the closest parking spot. Learning Express (one of my FAVORITE stores), easy as pie. Then I made the mistake of going to Kohl's at 11:45. Ha! Had I not just picked up my mom to take her there, I would have turned around when I had to go up and down three aisles to find a parking spot. I may go back to my theory of not shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Lucky me, the only thing I couldn't find on my list I so carefully tore out of the catalogues this morning at 3:45 (I love insomnia) was the one thing I was planning to get for myself!

any one who has met my husband would agree that #1 was a fab-u-lis invention, but he said he didn't want one, this coming from the man who just asked for a nose trimmer for christmas hummmI want to be ablack friday shopper BUT I have a 4 month boob leach, so perhaps next year, my husband did did get up at 4 and wait 1&1/2 hours to collect a $20 gift card from a store were buying a high chair

Dear Dawn,I am so glad that you told us about all these FABULOUS products!I can not imagine why anyone would want to LISTEN to bugs, isn't it bad enough just having to look at them?I am so glad nothing from that Yo Gabba Gabba kids show made it ( but I am surprised they didn't, as this seems right up their alley. )After that video you showed us the other day, I was glad I could ever eat again.This was great! Thanks for the laughs!!!Elaine

Frightening! What catalogs are you looking through?? I am finishing all my shopping online, which is how I shopped Friday also. I just can't see dragging three kids shopping with all the crowds and traffic. It's just not my idea of a good time. Now sitting with my laptop, coffee and American Express?? Now we're talkin'!

I was hoping you could out a link to a new website on your blog. It's a great site where kids can get a personalized phone call from Santa. part of the proceeds benefit the Make a Wish foundation. Here's the site: http://www.santasvoicemail.com/index.html

You could probably devote an entire blog for an entire year about ridiculous items for sale! You should make it a tradition on your blog, every year about this time, list these silly things! I especially loved your explanation for the math calendar! Amen!

We are thinking of home schooling as well but are concerned when it comes time if our boy will meet the requirements of whatever standard college level will be over a decade from now, its bad enough as it is. I cant imagine 15 years from now. Most courses here have over 400 students, some even up to 1200, its getting way overcrowded and it makes you wonder how a kid would fair being thrown into that. Alot to think about but we decided at least this will be our only child. At least this way no one can say we are contributing too much to these burdens we seem to be facing with stuff like this and coming south east water crisis.

Aww, now you know what I was going to get you this year for Christmas! One of everything on your list....maybe even 6 of those spinning spaghetti forks....that way the kids don't fight! LOL!! The farting salt and pepper shakers would be good for my mil who collects them. = ) Happy Holidays!!

Only $3.49 to look like an idiot? That's practically a bargain. I have seen many people spending much, much more money to achieve a similar look, all in the name of fashion. In any case, hilarious entry. Thanks for giving me a really good laugh.

Ok the turtle thing I get to a point. I have MS and don't always feel temperature -- so yeah I have hurt myself with bath water being too hot, and I feel like a moron asking my husband to check my bathwater. I certainly wouldn't want a turtle toy to do it though. LOL

As for the rest, absolutely ridiculous, my favourites were your comment.. "only 3.49 to look like an idiot." and the math calender, absolutely.. WHY?! The terrifying part is that people will buy this stuff!

I saw the "Mangroomer" in a local ad, and had to show my husband. Thank goodness he doesn't need one! Haha Love the butthead game. Yeah, I can see it now - "you're only supposed to aim for your brother's head when playing butthead, not baseball."

Okay, I'm going to have to step in here and 'explain' some of the finer details of your listings of gifts you may inadvertently overlooked.

Aqua Friends Bath thermometer - This gift is great for the person responsible for drawing the bath for his/her significant other. Nothing says "I Love You" more than a perfect drawn warm bubble bath, and you need not touch the water once.

Butthead Game - once again missing the total picture here. Velcro some cleaning cloths to the cap and ask the kids to stand on each other's shoulders to get at those pesky, uninvited spider webs.They would also make a great travel pillow.

Dog Doo Candle - this one is just wrong!!

Foam Party Machine - mmmm, I wonder if it does windows?

Airheads - This can be very helpful to determine which way the wind is blowing if someone has lit one of those poop candles.

Bug Listener = I think this is an old toy updated for modern use. Did President Nixon use to play with this one??

Twirling Spaghetti Fork - I'VE HAVE GOT TO GET ME ONE OF THESE!! What a simple way to get that curly hair do.

Slingshot Flying Chicken = You know how some people throw spaghetti against the wall to see if it is done .... same idea.

Farting Salt and Pepper - Nothing says "what a great meal that was" better than a fart or two ..... or was that a belch??

The Mathematics Calendar 2008 - You need this calendar for the same reason you had to take calculus in high school...because THEY said so!!

The Mangroomer - Okay, we are in agreement here. This is just too gross.But wait .... running low of pillow stuffing??

So you see Dawn, there are so many uses for things if we just dig a little deeper ...... into the trash.

just an added ROFL bonus to #6 Airheads.....it will leave a hickey like mark on your forehead. No, I do not have one of these, but my brother had a cat toy that was the same idea and he had a hickey for 3 days after he was idiot enough to put it on his forehead.