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BETWEEN THE SHEETS

Put on the coffee and get kick back because it's time for another installment of Between the Sheets. I have some pretty great stories lined up for you this week but first, a joke…

Two whales were swimming in the sea, and the came upon a whaling ship. The first whale says,

“Look, those are the jerks that harpooned my brother! We can’t let them get away with that!”

The second whale says, “What should we do then?”

The first whale says. “Ok, you distract them by swimming in circles around the boat and blowing bubbles. Then I’ll ram the boat until the whalers fly off. When they land in the water we’ll eat’em up!”

The second whale thought about the plan for a second then said, “Fine! I’ll do the blow job but I’m not swallowing any sea men!”

Badum-ching. You’re welcome. Now let’s move on to this week’s stories.

Submitted by: One size does not fit all

Whether you're looking for a relationship or just a quick romp in the sack, there's something for everyone with online dating. I was going through a pretty long dry spell so took to the internets to try and meet someone. I met this one guy, had a great first date, and he invited me back to his place. I'm not the type to sleep with someone on the first date but I was pretty damned horny, so I slept with him on the second date instead. We were on his couch talking and watching a movie after dinner when I made the first move. There was heavy petting and making out when he suggested we move to his room. The clothes soon came off and while I appreciated him showing me how incredibly talented his fingers were, I was jonsing for some cock. He wasn't the biggest pickle in the jar, but he strapped on a condom and went to town. I can't say I really felt him in there, and was pretty disappointed when he pulled out at one point and the condom stayed in place inside me. I think I might have been better off with the fingers!

Submitted By: Roller in the Night

I used to work at a large restaurant/ bar. As is usually the case with those kinds of places, most of the staff got along well, and would spent a lot of time drinking together after the restaurant closed. One night I stayed late and one of the bartenders and I got pretty plastered. We had worked together for two years, and got along really well but it was never anything more than platonic. He lived a few blocks from me so at the end of the night we decided to transit home together. After we got off the bus we decided to take a short detour through a park, because we were drunk and stumbling around in the dark seemed like a good idea.

That park was/is pretty small, poorly lit, and shaped like a square with a road and parking spaces on the south side. It was pretty late and there was no one around, and it was really dark. So, of course as we’re stumbling through the dark I trip and fall. I tried to grab onto him for support but he just went down with me. So we’re both lying on the ground laughing, then the next minute we’re tongue deep in a drunken make out session, then we’re having (probably really) loud drunk sex right in the middle of the park. So at one point I realize that the park has gotten a lot brighter, but I didn’t really think anything of it. Then we switched positions with me on top, facing the street with the parking. That’s when it dawned on me that not only were we only like thirty feet from the street, but someone had parked their car and was shining their lights directly on us. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I could make out the silhouette of someone leaning against the front of the car, presumably watching us. I alerted my friend to the situation. So he yells to the guy, “what the fuck are you looking at pervert?” to which the guy replies, “Pervert? I’m not the one having sex in a public park.” To which, after a moment of deep reflection, my friend replied “Fair enough.”

Then we had a good laugh. All three of us.

Submitted by: Late Night Howler

My first date with Ethan was almost 24 hours long. We started with coffee, went for a walk, had dinner and then he asked if I wanted to grab a bottle of wine and sit in the park. It was maybe 10/11pm when we got there and we sat under the stars, hammered, talking about random shit. We started making out in the middle of an open field and got pretty close to fucking in the middle of said open field when I started to hear voices in the distance. He said his roommates were out of town and so we took a cab back to his place. After a quick glass of wine, we moved into his bedroom and picked up where we left off in the park. Knowing that his roommates were out of town, I turned the volume up to 11 to let him know how much I was enjoying riding his face. I continued to use my outside voice for a good hour or so when all of a sudden we heard a door loudly "SLAM" shut down the hallway. Turns out his roommates had changed their minds and didn't go away. Did I mention his door was wide open?

The next morning he went into the kitchen to make us breakfast. His roommates had just finished making theirs so I got to sit awkwardly at the table with them, completely ignoring the elephant in the room that was my excessively loud sex sounds disturbing their sleep.

Well that wraps up this week's post. A big thanks to all those who submitted stories this week. And too everyone else, don't be shy. Send me your stories, seriously the more the better. As always, you can send your funny stories to rio@theartofloving.ca