This is your life - Randolf Redding

29 May 2010

This is your life - Randolf Redding
THIS IS YOUR LIFE has become one of the Sentinel-Observer's most popular features. Each week, we select a Silicon Valley resident who is celebrating his or her birthday in the coming week. Then, we use our fabulous LIFER intelligent agent program to collect all sorts of scandalous data about the individual that was chosen. Then, LIFER composes an embarrassing birthday biography of that person using the data that was collected. It's all meant to be taken in the spirit of good, clean fun.
Of course, LIFER only collects information that can be attained legally over the Global Landscape. LIFER is fully compliant with the GL-FIA, the Global Landscape Freedom of Information Act, that is designed to protect personal privacy. LIFER uses a powerful inference engine to extract information from data that appears to be anonymous. None of the provisions of the GL-FIA prevent this kind of massaging of anonymous data. If anything, LIFER shows that the GL-FIA should either be modified, imposing greater restrictions on the massaging of anonymous data, or repealed entirely, as being unenforceable in this age of global computer networks and communications. As some of our op-ed page columnists have frequently stated, it is not clear that privacy has any meaning in this age of ubiquitous data.
This week's subject is Randolf Redding who currently resides at 2345 Westinghouse Street in West Silicon Valley. Here is the biography that our LIFER program spun out on this fascinating human subject, one of 700,000 fascinating human subjects in the greater Silicon Valley area.
So, this is your life ... Randolf Redding!
Randolf, you were born on May 14, 2001 to Ben and Martha Redding at Silicon Valley hospital. Happy birthday! As you doubtless know, you are going to receive a free one year subscription to the Silicon Valley Sentinel-Observer just because you were chosen for This is Your Life.
You attended Grover Cleveland Elementary School where you had to be called to the principal's office in the fifth grade because you set fire to a roll of toilet paper in the boy's room. Naughty you! You also put a dead mouse in poor Betty Natale's book bag and that got you suspended from school for a while. At John F. Kennedy Middle School you were caught smoking in the boy's room and were suspended from school for an entire week. At Bjarne Stroustroup High School you straightened out a bit and maintained a C- average. Of course, in your job application to ComputerCosmos (see below) you state that you had a B average in high school. Naughty. Naughty. You scored at the 38th percentile in mathematics and at the 29th percentile in verbal skills on your SATs. You gave up on the idea of becoming a brain surgeon (good thinking!) and decided to join the ranks of the working man. You graduated from Stroustroup High in 2018 and went on to work as a salesperson at the ComputerCosmos computer emporium in Silicon Heights.
It was shortly after graduation that you moved to the swinging single's apartment complex at 1213 Meandering Road in Silicon Heights. It was there that you received your first charge card, VISA card #1245938431223, which has since expired. It would not be legal for us to reveal your present Master Card card number, but your present balance is $1,234.54, which includes a $231.45 interest charge. You bought many interesting things with your original VISA card, but on the positive side you had a love for culture, being an avid reader of Henry Miller. For a period of about six weeks during your nineteenth year, you went through the inevitable Ayn Rand stage, which you quickly shrugged off as nonsense. After that you made repeated visits to Le Sex Shoppe where you purchased all sorts of interesting clothing items, hopefully for your girlfriends.
It was at about this time that you opened an account on one of the Global Landscape movie services. During the first week of your subscription you viewed all of the "Debbie Does" movies, including "Debbie Does Dallas", "Debbie Does Denver", not to mention "Debbie Does the National Football League". Naughty, naughty. And you thought nobody would ever know!
It seems like good old Doctor Knowles on Klesmer Drive had to give you some penicillin shots back in 2021. Is that because of some hanky panky with Claire Simmons, the woman that you spent a weekend with at the Mountain Lodge in Sun Valley? Yes, you registered under the name of Sam Jones, but you stupidly paid the charges with good ol' VISA card #1245938431223.
According to the Silicon Heights Pharmacy database you have had many interesting prescriptions over the last ten years, not the least of which is a common antidepressant drug, which you are still taking, and a drug, which is only prescribed for people who have a problem with alcohol. Perhaps your therapist, Dr. Theresa Clemmons, can help you with your depression and perhaps your frequent access to the Alcoholics Anonymous help site over the Global Landscape will help you with your drinking problem.
Maybe you learned your lesson after that escapade with Claire Simmons because on January 10, 2022 you married your present wife, Mary Tiswell and just in time to greet that new bundle of joy, Randy, Junior, who was born three weeks later at Silicon Valley Hospital.
It seems like you really got into calling someone at 1-900-999-9898 towards the end of 2022, Randy. Does the name Linda the Dominatrix ring a bell? It seems like that is her phone number and she earns her living by talking dirty on the telephone. She told us some of your favorite fantasies. Naughty, naughty! Didn't you find conjugal bliss with Mary, the mother of your son?
The surveillance cameras at Silicon Valley Mall are tied into an image database and much to our surprise we found your visage at the Mall Restaurant having lunch with Claire Simmons nearly every day during the spring and summer months of 2023. It's nice to catch up with old friends, but did you have to catch up at with Claire at the Motel 6 on Route 10 on fourteen successive Monday afternoons? That's what the database says concerning the afternoons of April 24, May 1, May 8 - need we go on - of that year? Getting bored with married life, huh, Randy?
In recent years you have really been into self-projection technology, but don't you think that visiting the Naughty Ladies Virtual Brothel six times in one week last December was a bit much? A little self-restraint wouldn't hurt.
You were busted on June 10, 2024 for illegally obtaining copyrighted material off of the Global Landscape. That's considered a felony, but Tim Corson is a great lawyer and for a fee of $7,500 he managed to get you off with six months probation.
So, Randy, we hope you took this all in good fun. After all, we only found out what everyone else already can find out, in the great Global Landscape, the ubiquitous network!
Happy birthday, guy!
Original post: http://fscons.org/2010/news/your-life-randolf-redding