The restroom. A safe, (usually) clean place in snazzy theatres. A little corner where you can re-adjust your pupils to the flourescent light and have a few moments of peace to get the popcorn residue out of your fingers, before braving it back into the dark to crouch in front of people so you can get back to your movie.

Except this time you don’t want to get back to your movie.

The movie is Twilight and holy fuck was it bad. I went to go see a car crash and didn’t expect to see a train wreck, a plane explosion, and 3 nuclear meltdowns all rolled into one. I’ve seen my share of bad movies, but I obviously haven’t seen enough. From the first 30 or so odd minutes of slow, dredging teen angst, to the completely irrelevant 30 minutes of high-school fitting-in drama, to the next 30 minutes of drawn out banter, which, by the way, is some of the most horrible cheesy one-liners I’ve heard since, well, ever. The movie doesn’t just give the impression of having completely zero chance of having a plot, but worse. It actually doesn’t. Two sentences separate you from knowing what happens in this movie, and to tell you the truth, “Buffy” accurately describes it in one word, but then that would be a major insult to the vampire slayer.

Rounding the production off is some B-movie quality effects and makeup, a backup cast that reads words off cue cards, which, as mentioned earlier, we didn’t even need to see, (They literally have no impact on the plot.) characters so unbelievably off-the-kilter, a “climactic” fight scene that lasts 0.5 seconds, and an ending that’s both undecipherable, unsatisfactory, and unfinished.