Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Saturday, March 26

Numpties, Arseholes and Dickheads

In Trebollocks this week it's National Numpty Day, and we're invited to vent our spleen on the issue in the form of poetry, creative dance and abstract music. Well, my dancing days are over, as most of me is wooden, and the tortoise hates music, but I'm a dab hand with a quill. This is dedicated to any annoying people you may know, or who may have affected you lately. Feel free to copy and paste this simple, moving poem. Yes, copy and paste it, paste it on someone's front door after they've got up your nose, or better still on their forehead.

It's an awareness week of helping those people who continually talk utter bollocks and get on your tits to really recognise their full potential and leave you alone. Join in, and really let someone know you'd like to hit them with a frying pan today. Because you're worth it.....

Don't you think it would be kinder just to gun them all down, rather than subject them to such cruel taunting? The facial expressions and gesticulations which must go together with this awesome poem can only be imagined through a welder's mask.

Flying Saucers??

Children in the 1800's were told that these stationary tortoises were 'flying saucers' that had simply broken down, and were allowed to work on them in their garages after school. They never got them started and were told by adults that they couldn't order the right parts.

Inclement Mood

Never tell a tortoise he has a 'wattly chin'. They get very upset and and are the fifth animal most likely to start road rage incidents.

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*Precious Stones*
I made a pile of gems for every nation
Each stone was perfect truth, beyond compare
And then I sent each race an invitation
It said, “Ple...

3 years ago

Juan De La Vega

Juan De La Vega was very surprised when the tortoise, who'd been dormant for three hours, suddenly pounced and killed him on it's pointy horns. It apparently didn't like red rags, and didn't feel like 'coming out of his shell'.

Tortoise Day

Hoorah! Tortoise Day - Taken by Mrs Enid Rack of the Reptile Wives' Club

Tortoise Polo

Children became weary of this passtime, it never delivered the speeds it promised, and a proper mallet was never provided. It was a fib, perpetuated by adults - it was the flying saucers all over again.