I have a sponsee on step 9. I seem to struggle with my sponsee when we get here. The last sponsee i worked with relapsed at 9.

This is only my second time at the step with a sponsee. She is doing her past amends well but she is getting stuck in the blame game with current work relationships. I keep trying to help guide her back to her part but we always end up at the same place...... I am getting tired of the conversations he did this and this is his defect.

How long do I repeat. Do a step 4, what is your part, what is the defect,what is the fear, ask God to remove it.

Is there something I am missing? Am I guiding her in the right direction?

Step 9 is by far the hardest one of them all. Every other step can be gone over with someone in AA who understands. But when it comes to Step 9 we have to take the bit between our teeth and approach people not on a programme who have good reason to wish we were dead.

Reading a great book called ' Drop the Rock.' ( you can find it on Amazon)

The book points out that maybe its not step 4 we should be taking another look at, maybe it steps 6 & 7 we havent quite grasped, how our very nature's and our defect's made us who we are and when used to excess how they caused all the trouble in our lives.

Defiance (denial, fear?) was a biggy for me, i would never apologies or concede that maybe i was wrong. But when i saw that me being extremely judgemental started the ball rolling in the 1st place i could then see the part i played in all the unsavoury events that brought me to my knees.

After all when i look at the stuff i uncovered in steps 4 and 5 who am i to judge anyone?

And today if i think i have the right to judge someone by there past actions then its only fair they can judge me by mine. So if i was serenity, i.e the absence of conflict in my life, i just don't do it.

Then again i've been working on step 9 for over a decade and i'm still making amend's this year to people i catagorically denied i had harmed when i first looked at this step.

I totally agree that Step 9 is the hardest step to complete -- AFTER the First Step.

My experience has been, that when I, or someone I'm trying to help has a problem with ANY Step,it's a First Step problem. They don't understand, comprehend, and totally believe in their innermost self -- the gravity of the condition that's upon them. The heat gets off. Life seams to mellow out a bit. We're not struggling to not drink -- so, we get the idea that "I'm ok." Or, "I'm fine." "I don't need to do this. I'll be okay. If someone is going to drink -- it will be THEM and not me."

A question I like to ask is: "Let's use an imaginary situation. Let's imagine, that you are straddling a big 90 foot razor blade that is suspended in air at a 60 degree angle. And, you're being held by a thread -- from sliding down the razor blade. Your only hope is 'to do a particular something' -- or, stay attached to the razor blade by the thread and hope like hell that the thread doesn't break. What would you choose to do?"

Then, I send them back to their First Step and tell them to call me when they think they've got the First Step down, and we'll start working on the Steps together again.

Its been said we alcoholics use denial as a security blanket and if someone rips it from us the shock could cause us to die from exposure. We have no right to do this to anyone. Our aim should be to make it warm enough for the sponsee to feel comfortable enough to drop the blanket. Then God can get in and do his work.

I like that approach. Not ripping off the blanket. I am referring her to step 6 and 7 as we move forward. I think alot of the time it is my own insecurity and feeling that I have no idea what I am doing sponsoring.....I also like the piece about us providing a place where God can do the work. Reminds me that I am sponsoring, God is still the One in charge.

One thing that's comforting to me is: My job is simply to "try" to be of help.That's it. If I'm trying -- then, I'm doing what my responsibility is, to do.

For me, what makes a great sponsor is: Not someone who has all the right answers -- as much as it is someone who knows how to ask the right questions.

I can talk to an alcoholic and make suggestions until I'm blue in the face -- and get no where at all.But, if I ask them the right question -- something magical happens.The alcoholic will then begin to open their minds and search out the solution -- because it hasbecome "their idea" instead of mine.

Got to step 9 with a sponsee, who made a few half-hearted amends, when she announced that she had lost the gift of desperation and didn't see how she could go any further.

I suggested we go back to steps 6 & 7, and she said she really wasn't ready to give up her defects because they were still working for her and she kind of enjoyed them.

I said she needed to go back to step one. I even went so far as to tell her that I felt she was in grave danger. With amused arrogance she replied, "Of what?"My answer:"Of drinking again, insanity, suicide."

She just laughed and told me that in order to "take care of herself" she felt we needed to part ways.

I had to agree with her! If she wants to do it her way, she shouldn't be surprised at the quality of sobriety she achieves.