Opinion: Civil society eludes us when abuse tolerated

Daphne Bramham, Vancouver Sun08.02.2011

SUN0131 Bramham 1.jpg.
/ .

RICHMOND, B.C.: JULY 5, 2011 -- UBC student Rumana Monzur speaks to the media upon her return from India at Vancouver International Airport July 5, 2011 after she was allegedly attacked by her husband who blinded her and disfigured her nose.Ric Ernst
/ PNG

Ravinder Bhangu, 24, was killed at Sach di Awaaz, an English/Punjabi language newspaper where she worked as an administrative assistant. Her estranged husband, Manmeet Singh, is charged with her murder.Special to the Vancouver Sun
/ Handout

Only two things link these three. All are women. All are victims of violence.

All — save one — are dead.

Ravinder Bhangu, 24, was hacked to death Thursday with an axe and cleaver in the Surrey office of the Sach Di Awaaz newspaper where she worked as an administrative assistant. Her 26-year-old husband, Manmeet Singh, was charged Friday with the first-degree murder of his wife as well as the aggravated assault and assault with a weapon of a male colleague who tried to stop Singh.

Monzur, a visiting scholar at the University of B.C., managed to survive her husband’s attack while she was at home in Bangladesh. But now blind, Monzur returned to Vancouver earlier this month and must learn how to live, work and care for her daughter without sight.

In June, 76-year-old Sebastiano Damin was sentenced to life in prison. He stabbed his wife — 69-year-old Catroppa — 126 times with a steak knife.

These three women are the most recent, public faces of domestic violence in our community.

In their diversity they highlight the fact that this is a crime that occurs in every nook and cranny of our society.

The abusers are as diverse as their victims. From actors Mel Gibson to Charlie Sheen to some benign-seeming guy down the street, they span the economic and ethno-cultural spectra.

Last month, Peace River North MLA Pat Pimm spent a night in jail after a domestic dispute with his wife. A special prosecutor recommended no charges be laid because there was not a substantial likelihood of conviction.

In B.C., 1,000 women a week report assaults. Over half of all B.C. women — one million people — report having experienced physical or sexual assault. Most of it was never reported.

On a single day — April 15, 2010 — Statistics Canada took a national snapshot of women’s shelters. Of the 4,645 women they found there, 60 per cent refused to report abuse to police.

National and international research indicates only about 12 per cent of women ever report assaults.

The reasons are a complicated stew of human emotions. Love. Fear. Shame.

There may be no cure for love, but greater public awareness may help dissolve fear and shame.

Talking about abuse, knowing its signs and symptoms and encouraging women to speak up may help save lives.

That’s what Surrey Coun. Barinder Rasode had in mind when she came up with the idea for the city-sponsored Rakhi Project, launched less than two weeks ago.

In the traditional South Asian ceremony — Rakhi — sisters and brothers make visible their bonds of love and respect when a sister ties a ribbon around her brother’s wrist.

Rasode and Mayor Dianne Watts have appropriated that ceremony and are urging women to tie purple bracelets around men’s wrists to inspire men to speak against the violence that’s killing, maiming and traumatizing too many of their sisters, daughters, mothers and friends.

The bracelets — sold for $5 and available only in Surrey — will help raise money for the Coalition Against Domestic Abuse.

Women aren’t the only victims of domestic abuse, just the most obvious and most frequent.

Brent Allan Warren, 43, of Campbell River was charged Thursday with murdering his seven-year-old son, Jonathan.

Filicide is rare. But each year, an estimated 800,000 Canadian children witness domestic violence and 40 per cent of them are themselves abused.

On the single day when StatsCan did its survey, nearly three-quarters of the women in shelters had children with them — 3,611 children traumatized by seeing their mothers beaten.

B.C. Lions coach Wally Buono choked on his words when he recently told my colleague Mike Beamish about seeing his own mother abused in their home.

“Fortunately, I was old enough that I could deal with it on my mother’s behalf,” Buono said.

He was explaining why the football team is involved with an $862,000 federal-provincial initiative to end physical, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse of women.

Lions player J.R. LaRose told Beamish he, too, had witnessed it first hand.

“I’ve seen my mother abused by a man. At the time, I wasn’t able to do anything about it. Now, I’m able to speak up about it.”

In one of the Be More Than a Bystander ads, LaRose talks about Canada’s 582 missing and murdered aboriginal women. In another, teammate Travis Lulay urges men to defend women and to stand up to men they know who talk about what they’ve done to their wives or girlfriends.

In still another, lineman Angus Reid calls violence against women a “men’s issue” because men are the most frequent abusers.

There are, of course, rare cases — about eight per cent of the reported total — where men are victims. Most are elderly or disabled, who are preyed on by caregivers or family members.

All are crimes of passion, driven by hate, not love.

A mark of a civil society is its citizens’ ability to curb their worst impulses for the good of everyone. And when it comes to violence against women and children, we have a long way to go.

Comments

We encourage all readers to share their views on our articles and blog posts. We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion, so we ask you to avoid personal attacks, and please keep your comments relevant and respectful. If you encounter a comment that is abusive, click the "X" in the upper right corner of the comment box to report spam or abuse. We are using Facebook commenting. Visit our FAQ page for more information.

In less than a week, Abbotsford recording artists Hedley went from touring Canada with two supporting acts and a popular new album to pariahs ensnared in allegations of sexual misconduct. On Monday, accusations that band members Jacob Hoggard, Dave Rosin, Tommy Mac and Jay Benison had engaged in sexual behaviour with teenage girls surfaced on Twitter […]

Almost Done!

Postmedia wants to improve your reading experience as well as share the best deals and promotions from our advertisers with you. The information below will be used to optimize the content and make ads across the network more relevant to you. You can always change the information you share with us by editing your profile.

By clicking "Create Account", I hearby grant permission to Postmedia to use my account information to create my account.

I also accept and agree to be bound by Postmedia's Terms and Conditions with respect to my use of the Site and I have read and understand Postmedia's Privacy Statement. I consent to the collection, use, maintenance, and disclosure of my information in accordance with the Postmedia's Privacy Policy.

Postmedia wants to improve your reading experience as well as share the best deals and promotions from our advertisers with you. The information below will be used to optimize the content and make ads across the network more relevant to you. You can always change the information you share with us by editing your profile.

By clicking "Create Account", I hearby grant permission to Postmedia to use my account information to create my account.

I also accept and agree to be bound by Postmedia's Terms and Conditions with respect to my use of the Site and I have read and understand Postmedia's Privacy Statement. I consent to the collection, use, maintenance, and disclosure of my information in accordance with the Postmedia's Privacy Policy.