Thursday, October 24, 2013

Hello to my fellow biddies. I write to you today a happy Queen biddy indeed. A year ago on this day I embarked on a blogger's journey. I had a modest goal. It was to write the most ridiculous blog of all time. I do not know if it has proven to be the most ridiculous, per se, but I do know that I thoroughly enjoyed writing it every week.

This past year has been one of the most uncertain and life-changing years of my life. When I started this blog a year ago my future was very unclear. Each day was a surprise. Some days people loved me, some days people could not stand the sight of me. Some days I had a job, some days I did not. Some days I ate a proper amount of pickles, some days I opted not to. However, something always remained constant and that was my blog. It was my rock.

Even when all of my friends and family abandoned me, even when I was homeless and left to the mean streets of Westchester sucking dick for Big Macs, I had Thoughts of Young Biddy. The truth of the matter is, I am not the same person I was when I began this blog twelve months ago and a lot of my goals and thoughts of what I write about have changed some.

I must say that my thoughts were always diplomatic. I was never too crass or harsh. I was always a polite little ho. I am a lady after all, goddammit.

To all of the idiots I insulted, I did it because I care. Taylor Swift, honey, it is like my mom always says, "if I'm not gonna tell you you're being an asshole, who will?"

I want to give a few special thanks to those that made this all possible.

Thank you to Demi Lovato. Your lyrics have inspired me to do great, act great and be great. I also have learned that it is okay to check a back-up dancer or two now and then if they get out of line.

Thank you to those who hurt me.

I have dried my biddy tears... and I have most likely bombed your house by now and made you wish you were never born. Regardless, I thank you. You have made me a stronger biddy.

Biddies, let your haters be your motivators.

A special thank you to the the endless cups of coffee that keep me going and make my life beautiful everyday. You are truly a magical substance and I do not know where I would be without you. Whether you are iced or hot, you never let me down.

And finally, and above all, thank YOU. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for not calling the cops on me.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

The cat is out of the bag. I watch American Horror Story and I am damn proud of it. At first I poo-pooed the show because I figured I had Pretty Little Liars to fill my "stupid/scary" TV show fix. However, I soon grew weary of the never-ending web of nonsense that ABC Family continues even to this day. For instance, we have been watching this goddamn show for three years and we still have no fucking idea who A is.

Yeah, Han. We are told something new every other minute and quite frankly I am quite sick of you guys toying with our emotions. Not only this but Spencer is probably one of the most annoying characters on television ever created. The pure distaste for this specific little liar was the last straw.

I watched the first two seasons of American Horror Story and can say with full certainty that there was not one episode where I did not shit my pants at least once.

...and usually once at least during just the opening theme song. That music is just so gosh dung creepy.

Many expressed quite a distaste for the second season but I have only one thing to say to those ignorant biddtrons.

Who cares if there were a million and one things going on last season? This is fucking TELEVISION and anything goes. If you want something logical and high brow then go ahead and pop in your old Spice World VHS tape. I was under the impression that if I am shitting my pants, the show is doing it right. Pants shat, therefore job was complete.

I am a little skeptical about this new season. So far we have only seen two episodes so I am not going to jump to any hasty conclusions yet! There are some things working for this season. First of all, Jessica Lange is a bad ass mother fucker, per usual. She continues to be the hottest older lady on television, without a question.

...but no, Jessica, you are so much more than that. Anyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely, one hundred percent, ob-freaking-sessed with Ms. Lange and all of her royal biddyness. You will never hear me tell you to do this for anyone else besides me again but bow the FUCK down bitches.

Kathy Bates is also a new addition to the show and I appreciate her very much.

And we love you. I mean, we love YOU, but Madame Lalaurie was kind of a huge sadistic cunt, to put it delicately. That being said, the first few minutes of the first episode were incredibly uncomfortable to watch.

Seriously, no one does crazy better than Kathy Bates (except maybe me...).

Okay so enough of all this praise and shit. Now it is time to get to the steak and potatoes. Emma Roberts.

I am going to go ahead and answer that question with another question: what the fuck didn't you do? Emma reached her prime when she was still on the show Unfabulous. Yes, I watched that show and it was not half bad. I think we could all agree that it was the cool alternative (for some time) to Zooey 101. But as time has passed and Jamie Lynn Spears got all pregnant and shit, it became clear who the cooler new Nickelodeon star was. Emma Roberts was left in the dust. Not even nepotism could dig her out of this hole.

But Emma Roberts refuses to take the hint. She has been showing her face in movies for years now. She was in that mental hospital movie. I forget what it was called but it was with the people with the faces and the hair...who the fuck even knows but it sucked.

For some time all was quiet on the Emma Roberts front but now... here comes the storm. Her presence on the new season of American Horror Story has been haunting my life. Here we had a really great show that I thoroughly enjoyed and then she shows up. It is kind of like when you are eating a really good plate of food at a restaurant and then all of a sudden you find a huge, curly pubic hair in it.

Everything is spoiled and the dish will never be delicious again.

And yeah, I get it, your aunt is Julia Roberts and blah blah blah, but... newsflash: she is annoying as fuck too. Emma, your acting is insufferable and your voice is oppressive.

The thing I fear the most about this season, is that Emma Roberts will scare every single person away from watching the show altogether.

Empty promises, indeed. Emma Roberts, you are that big, curly pubic hair and that is all you will ever be.

FX, you would have been better off casting me as Madison. I would make a pretty badass witch if I do say so myself. I mean, I was one for Halloween at least six times. That should give me some kind of street cred. I mean, come on, get real.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I have a new concept for you, Ricky Gervais. Or, rather, I have a new subject for the next season of the show An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington, you have met your match. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber.

Many have contributed to Justin Bieber's quest for ultimate stupidity but there are far too many people for him to name (or he just can not remember who you are). However, at the end of the day, it was his hard work and dedication to stupidity that allowed him to work his way up to be the top. He has truly proven himself King of the idiots, the lord of the numb nuts and the prince of the poop heads. Bravo, Brava, etc, etc.

You may be wondering: Young Biddy Queen, why the sudden interest in Justin Bieber's imbecility? And you are smart for posing this question. The secret has been out for a long time that the dick head does not have two brain cells to his name. Case and point:

The first time I watched this video I tried to give Bieber the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps it was the Aussie accent that threw him off, I thought. But then I realized that we see Biebs read the word "German" off of the cue card and he STILL does not know what it is. Newsflash Biebs, we actually do use that word in the states Bieber. That's like a country and shit...a very popular one in fact. Lol?

At first I thought Justin Bieber's stupidity was harmless but when you give an idiot much more credit than they deserve, they turn into something very, very monstrous. They turn into what is formerly referred to as a "douchey idiot."

From spitting on fans to treating Selena Gomez like his bottom bitch, it has become abundantly clear that Justin Bieber has long evolved from being just some dumb canadian kid whining "Baby" on the streets of Toronto. The Bieber fever is now more like a fatal epidemic. It has devastated populations for years now. A whole town in Nebraska was wiped out. The number of casualties keeps rising throughout the country and now, more than ever, all over the WORLD.

While perusing through my usual trash news, I found this cute little article:

The Great Bieber gets carried over the Great Wall of China? I have asked this once and I will ask it again:

Okay, I will admit it, I think I am a little bit jealous of Bieber's connections. Goddammit I can NOT even tell you how many times I wish I could just be carried around on someone's shoulders wherever I needed to go. A shoulder ride to class would be nice once in a while or maybe up the stairs every so often. And for the love of God, would it kill someone to give me a lift to the bathroom every now and then? People are so selfish. I could pull their hair when I wanted them to slow the breaks and say, "giddy up," when they needed to hurry the fuck up. I even think I have a whip that I bought in Provincetown on my Fifth grade whale watch trip in my closet. That should keep them in line.

Although I dream of these luxuries, Bieber, do you want to know the real difference between us?

(Yeah and maybe I do not have a group of minions who would do this for me but that is neither here nor there).

I am a biddy with true dignity and class. I am a biddy with integrity and strength. I am the WALKING biddy. The biddy of the people, if you will. For even though I am the Queen, I still find time in my day to walk amongst the plebeians and common folk.

I believe Bieber should have his own travel show, like Karl Pilkington. However, the boy should not have to lift a damn finger. Everything should be done for him! For he is the Great Bieber and we are but his loyal servants. The show will feature his people carrying him through various landmarks like the Grand Canyon, for instance. They will hand feed him chocolates in Switzerland, smoke pot for him in Amsterdam and fuck French prostitutes for him in France. Do not worry about an absolute thing Biebs.

Just sit back, relax and let us all soak in your stupidity to the fullest extent. Most importantly, let us all be proud to call ourselves Americans... and not Canadians. For this is a very, very beautiful thing.

Have a lovely week.

XOXO,
Jules

P.S. They say the only cure for Bieber fever is more Bieber but, folks, I would like to remind you that death is always an option too. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Award shows are perhaps the dullest invention of all time (with the exceptions of CNN, Natalie Portman and Dave Matthews Band).

They last for HOURS on end. By the time I am a half hour into the show, I have already clocked in a solid 15 minute power nap, 100 push-ups and consumed a whole bag of Smartfood. It is always a bunch of people I have never seen or heard of making speeches about God or their kids or some other nonsense like that. Yeah, we have heard it before. Keep it moving, pooper scooper.

They leave all of the awards that people actually give a fuck about for the end. We do not even see George Clooney until the last five minutes of the show. By this time I am already fast asleep (teddy bear in hand, night light shining), dreaming of a world where Chihuahuas can talk and speak their mind and no one is allowed to discuss the show Game of Thrones in front of me...ever.

In a nut shell, award shows are stupid (as I have mentioned before). However, the red carpet is a beautiful, magical place where all of our dreams come true. The red carpet is a world where things make sense. It is a world where people can engage in thought-provoking conversations.

This is a crowd of intellectuals, indeed, a meeting of the minds if you so please. So often we find ourselves slipping into old routines of not caring about whether or not someone is wearing Dior or Dolce & Gabanna. I see it happen all too often. People do not even recognize how harmful and hurtful their ignorance can be to those more fortunate than them.

The red carpet also reminds us that we must never allow ourselves to forget to ask the big questions, the important questions.

What is an Oreo cookie? What is a Nutter Butter? What is the meaning of life? Sofia Vergara poses many questions that have yet to be fully answered. After all, we do not quite yet know what an Oreo essentially is in the the truest sense of the word. Probably a cookie, possibly a sex toy. We are still looking into it.

The red carpet also teaches us valuable lessons about modesty. One should always be humble. After all, it is what is on the inside that matters most.

Katy Perry is known for her big boo--I mean, big heart. Just look at the woman. She has a heart of gold and even some necklaces to match it.

The world has been cruel to these people. These ugly, pitiful commoners made it to the top because of hard work and dedication.

Ugh, look at this sight. I know what you are thinking. Is this not the homeliest couple you have ever laid your eyes on or what? Okay, I am being mean. I really am just happy that Naomi Watts finally found someone who could love her for her... and could ignore that equine face. It is not her fault she was born with a bad case of the uglies. Ugly people deserve love too. Right?

Finally, this brings me to the Emmys. Award season is starting, my fellow biddies. Some people are lookin' hot and some are lookin' like snot. Here are my choices for the best dressed at the 2013 Emmys and the worst dressed.

Worst Dressed:

Aaron Paul

I am not even going to mention the plebeian that is standing next to him. She is absolutely insufferable. I mean, who does she think she is? With that face and that dress... and that hair... UGH. Anyways, I digress. Aaron Paul showed up to the Emmys looking ALL sorts of wrong. How did someone let him leave the house wearing that suit? Okay, I get it, he was trying to take a risk and make a statement but come on...you look like an absolute freak. I do not think anyone can stop talking about this guy's outfit. Forget about Breaking Bad, Aaron Paul will always be known as the guy who work that black suit. *shaking my head* It is a sad truth.

Best Dressed:

Lena Dunham

YEAH! That's Lena Dunham!! I almost did not recognize her because she was actually wearing clothes. Who'da thunk it? All night Lena had to remind everyone of who she was until finally she said, "Fuck it," and ripped off her dress to reveal the boobs that every Girls viewer has become all too well acquainted with for the past two years. "Ah, yes, Lena Dunham. Now we recognize you," the crowd said in unison. To be honest, this dress is absolutely a disaster. I just thought I'd throw the girl a bone for actually putting something on. A loin cloth, however, would have sufficed.