Thanksgiving is a time of repentance.
A time to look back on one's pathetic and evil life and whip
yourself across the back (like Indiana Jones against the Nazis)
for every sin you've committed up till that point... Or is that
Halloween. Could be Muskrat Day too. And for the pious few like
Angry Amy it's called "Tuesday".

Anyway, I guess you should give thanks too. Thanks to the
Pilgrims for coming across the ocean blue in thirteen hundred
fifty-two. Thanks for the Indians who got those puds through
the first few Massachusetts winters. Thanks for Davey Crockett
and Tubbs who slaughtered the red-skin devils years later so
that they couldn't steal any more of our precious plastic beads.
Thanks for the French for actually getting off their asses and
giving us a pretty cool Statue of Liberty for our 100th birthday.
Thanks for Reagan for making us a kick ass country again who
took crap from nobody. And most importantly, thanks for Hugh
Hefner for the most ingenious invention of all time: the centerfold.

So, for this special Thanksgiving Edition of the Rossman
Examiner I have brought together all of the Rossman Peoplesto let them tell you what they are most
thankful for. This is quite possibly the most touching piece
I've ever put together *Sniff*.

Doctor Dave"Thanksgiving
is a special time of year for me and the Mrs. It's the occasion
that I dig her body up from the grave and dress it up all pretty
like to impress our remaining family and friends. I would have
ressurected her corpse and brought the woman back to life a while
ago, but her brain was so far decayed by the time I invented
my machine to raise the dead. She probably would have just walked
around like Boris Karloff in those ridiculous shoes he wore in
that old documentary while she tried to eat the dog's or my brain.
Then I would have had to hack her head off with a table saw and
stabbed her through her rotted heart with a silver-tipped ice
pick. I bet she would have complained about what a pigsty our
place has become since her 'accident' too. That bitch...

"So,
I'm thankful for all the abandoned pets in my neighborhood. They
make great lab rats, if you'll pardon the pun. I'm also thankful
for the fact that the police are really easy to bribe in my area.
Except the state cops. They're always total bastards and stick
to the letter of the law. Even when it's most inconvenient for
me. Like that time they found close to 2,000 severed thumbs in
the reservoir and immediately came over to my lab to harass me
about it and to ask if I gnawed off the fingerprints of each
and every one of them with my own teeth!! How disgusting is that?!
The human body can only really handle about six to seven hundred
thumb prints without vomiting. It was pretty obvious that I let
some raccoons chomp on the rest. I mean, did they even check
with the CSI team?!!? Makes you wonder some times, don't it."

The Wolfman"What the
hell?! 'Give thanks?!' The Wolfman don't give no thanks!... Hmmmmmm.
Well, maybe the Wolfman is thankful for the forces of evil. The
Wolfman would not have anything to do on Thursday nights if everybody
in my 'Evil Rulz Club' just sat at home and watched The Cosby
Show or somethin'.

"I
guess that I'm also thankful for chloroform. Without it all those
dogs and squirrels and babies I needs to get for the sacrifices
would be close to fucking impossible to bag. I guess that I could
get those squirrels and maybe some chickens without it, but forget
about the babies. Holy shit do they cry when you try to pick
them up out of their strollers and run. And the ones with teeth
just suck! The Wolfman don't like gettin' bit by rugrats with
full pantalones that reek worse than Chi-Chi's bedsheets.

"The
Wolfman's also thankful for nudie magazines. Without Hustler
and Hispanic Titties Monthly I wouldn't be half the Wolfman
I am today."

The Skipper"Arrrrrrrr.
What be I thankful for?... That be a toughie. I suppose that
I'm most thankful that all those horrible laws about underage
prostitution don't apply on the open sea. That be me biggest
blessin'. I be thankin' Miss Tabitha Pussy for her floatin' Bordello
of Boobies and Beastiality every time I visit. Arrrrrrrrrr.

"I'm
also thankful for that penicillin stuff that the good doctor
gives me. Without those magical tablets I be afraid that me first
mate would burn with the fires of a thousand hells every time
I released the whiskey from me system. Arrrrrrrr. I don't know
if you know what it be like to feel your Davey Jones getting
clawed and set ablaze from the inside whenever you try to do
some of nature's simple business, but it never be a pleasant
experience. This Skipper'd prefer to try and give a gay great
white a blow job while it eats me own leg than go through that
fiendish urethra flame even once more. It sends shivers through
me timbers of unproportional measures, laddie.

"Also,
I be most grateful for pudding. There be so many wonderful uses
for it: An alternative to mud for them female wrestlin' matches
at the Sea Wench Pub on Thursdays; Air; A tasty tartar sauce
for my patented feisty fish sandwiches; and you can use it as
a sort of edible ass spackle. Bill Cosby himself taught me that
little trick. Arrrrrrrr. That pudding pop maniac!!"

Angry Amy"This
is the gayest thing I've ever been forced to do for the Rossman
and his retarded site. If only he didn't have those goddamn pictures......

"Well,
I'll tell you what I'm not thankful for. I'm not thankful
in the least for Kodak disposable cameras. I'm also not thankful
for the office custodians who apparently can't fix any of the
fucking locks in the ladies room on the sixth floor of our office
building. I'm also not very thankful that my boyfriend is a horny
jackrabbit who gets his tiny rocks off by doing it in public
places during lunch hour when I know that the Rossman and his
cronies are still in the building.

"I'm
also not thankful that there's a waiting period for buying a
handgun and ammo in this state. I'm not thankful that the Rossman
has the mayor in his pocket and that he can sic the entire police
force on me if he wants (which he does on occasion apparently
just for kicks). I'm not thankful for some of the new techniques
that the cops now use to quell rioters. Such as high range pepper
spray, fire hoses and the ever evil 'police bitch slap of injustice.'

"If
I do have to be thankful for something it would have to be for
hope. Hope that one day the Rossman and his homo-robot
will somehow die a horrible and painful death in either an explosion
or electrocution of some kind. Something that will remove his
testicles before his ultimate demise so that the last thing he
ever feels is terrible and searing pain."

The MegaPlayboy"Bitches
and bullets, hot rods and mullets; rap music and throwing stars,
hard alcohol and manly bars; THAT'S what the MegaPlayboy is thankful
for, ya ho.

"The
'hood and my homies, the DQ and the Shoney's; speed metal music
from Germany, headbanging to wonderful harmonies. THIS is what
makes the MegaPlayboy happy and sappy, ya bitch.

"I
tried to live life right, holy shit what an awful sight! My house
was prissy and clean, but my neighbors were still pissy and mean.
I had to fuck my pad up fast, for the sake of my un-black and
blue ass.

"I'm
thankful for my whores and bitches, and that cream that stops
the burning and itches. The security system that I spent some
major greens for, cause it stops those pigfuckers kickin' in
the back door.