Friday, April 1, 2011

When you think you’ve covered all your bases, something new comes along. This time, it’s invisible! New intelligence suggests that space aliens with invisibility cloaks have been going through our checkpoints for years. We know they’ve been observing flight operations at some of our busiest airports, but we had no idea they were coming in.

It’s not entirely clear what their intentions are, but they need to be screened just like anybody else. We don’t mind space aliens visiting our airports. In fact we think it’s kind of cool. However, they need to go through security just like everybody else. They can’t just continue to stroll through security, especially if they have their shoes on or if they’re carrying liquids. Or even liquefying weapons... We can’t get into all the details of how we know these aliens are transiting the checkpoint, but one thing we noticed is an uptick in suggestions that Goloxtinizer be added to our "Can I Bring" tool. Who knew... Even space aliens use our app.

Some experts think they possibly prefer first class commercial travel as opposed to their own spacecraft which is speculated to have a cramped and cold environment. Other experts speculate they have an affinity for airport food. Some have claimed that the prices are out of this world…

Whatever their motivation is, rest assured that a new layer of security has been developed that will allow us to detect and screen these unique passengers. This new layer is our TSA Alien Detection Officer (ADO). ADOs are an elite new type of officer who has undergone unique training to use specially developed detection tools. You may have already seen some of these tools in use at airports and just not known what they were.

Blogger Bob

TSA Blog Team

If you’d like to comment on an unrelated topic you can do so in our Off Topic Comments post. You can also view our blog post archives or search our blog to find a related topic to comment in. If you have a travel related issue or question that needs an immediate answer, you can contact a Customer Support Manager at the airport you traveled, or will be traveling through by using Talk to TSA.

75 comments:

Is it my imagination or is it in incredibly poor taste for an agency related to Customs and Border Protection to have an "ALIEN Detection Officers" as part of an April Fool's Joke? I get that it's all in humor, but considering the political livewire that the subject of illegal ALIENS is, I think our government's employees should be working on something other than an April Fool's joke such as this.

You know what's funny? The odds of dying in an attack by aliens from outer space is roughly equal to the odds of dying in a terrorist attack on a passenger flight. The probability that either will happen is just a hair over zero.

I think there's an error in your post. You linked at the end to some of the "tools in use at airports and just not known what they were." When I clicked the link, I was taken to a Wicker Encyclopedia. I wasn't sure what that had to do with airport security, so I assume you just typed the link wrong. Can you fix it so we can read about the new technologies and know what to expect? I'm flying next Wednesday, so I need to know quick!

Does the TSA not understand that you have lost your credibility with the majority of frequent traveling law-abiding taxpaying Americans? Your attempt at levity is another example of wasted tax dollars...silly and pathetic.

I'm going to be leaving for Kronos shortly. Are there any special requirements to put my Batleth in my checked bag?

I have heard that the duranium alloy gives an unusual signature on your primitive X-ray devices, leading to a baggage search. Last flight, one of your fragile humans cut themselves rather badly as they pawed through my luggage. The human blood on my belongings led to some consternation as I was clearing Federation customs on my way to the Home World. Do I need to declare my Batleth, much as you humans do with your firearms?

Good one ;) Ignore everyone giving you a hard time. While I will disagree with plenty of TSA's policies, I love reading your blog, and this one literally made me laugh! :) Good to see that the fed's do have a sense of humor!

Very funny, now why don’t you address how you justify the unconstitutional pat down when you have to violate our 4th amendment rights and our right to privacy? Patting down private parts when you have not committed a crime is a unreasonable search. It’s why we have a bill of rights in the first place.

You have proved our point. If this is what you get paid for then no wonder O'bama has driven our govt. to the brink. After working for TSA and knowing that there is so much waste, fraud and abuse and this little joke only prove we only need someone who can write because the failures on the checkpoints and baggage with test guns and fake bombs that the RED Team use just shows that you can't protect us against the bad guy much less your UFOs.

Is it my imagination or is it in incredibly poor taste for an agency related to Customs and Border Protection to have an "ALIEN Detection Officers" as part of an April Fool's Joke? I get that it's all in humor, but considering the political livewire that the subject of illegal ALIENS is, I think our government's employees should be working on something other than an April Fool's joke such as this.

Regardless of what day it is I find the wasting of taxpayers' money with posts like this to be offensive. This blog, like any other government blog dealing with serious matters, is no place for humor. TSA obviously needs to have its budget cut next year if this is the type of money waste we can expect from them.

Anon said: You know what's funny? The odds of dying in an attack by aliens from outer space is roughly equal to the odds of dying in a terrorist attack on a passenger flight. The probability that either will happen is just a hair over zero.

The reason the probability is that low is BECAUSE security is in place. If security wasnt there, then the terrorists could bring whatever they want onboard without ANY risk of being caught.

Anonymous said:"Anon said: You know what's funny? The odds of dying in an attack by aliens from outer space is roughly equal to the odds of dying in a terrorist attack on a passenger flight. The probability that either will happen is just a hair over zero.

The reason the probability is that low is BECAUSE security is in place. If security wasnt there, then the terrorists could bring whatever they want onboard without ANY risk of being caught."

I don't mind being x-rayed or patted down but I do mind that I failed the criminal search as a "terrorist"on my background check for an apartment rental.I accidentally had my deceased brother's Army knife in my carry on luggage at LAX flying to JFK on JetBlue.The screeners were so kind as they knew I was upset that the knife had to get thrown out.I know we have rules BUT how do I clear my name now that I am flagged as a possible terroroist?The apartment manager needs a notarized letter stating I am not a potential threat---Please help me.Ellen.PS I have written TSA and JetBlue

Am pretty upset- just got home with my checked back - JFK-LAX. Inside was a TSA standard notification that they must inspect some bags physically (?). Well, they either broke - and didn't admit or took a dish that was part of the set. The other dishes came trough fine- they were all packed with dirty laundry around them. So, couldn't they apologize that they broke one? Or did someone get sloppy and forget to return it?

So how was all of your weekends?! Here is how my WONDERFUL weekend with my dad, a 32 year Colon Cancer Survivor with ostomy, ended at the Fresno Airport. I posted this on the UOAA website and thought you all would enjoy this story, not sure enjoy is the word!

Greetings Everyone, just your friendly Ostomate here and TSA nabbed me again last night, even after going through a Body Scanner, they said I had an anomaly, AKA Colostomy.

So lets back track, you can go under my member name and read the history there are several posts. And if you remember I was on the local news and here is that link:

http://www.azcentral.com/video/#/Tempe% ... 7811395001

I did not let what happened last year keep me down and I have flown at least 5 times if not more since the incident. Flown through Major airports like my hometown of Phoenix Sky Harbor, or Atlanta and Charlotte, all I opted for Body Scans because I was told this was the best way so they could "see" everything, all without incident until I got to Fresno Intl Airport visiting my Dad, who happens to be a 32 year survivor of Colon Cancer and has a Ostomy for as long, for Father's Day.

NO ONE was in line and all the TSA were standing around, did the body Scanner, and was held and told I had an anomaly and needed to be patted down....ok, that is fine. Then I was told I had to be stripped searched and I just lost it, started crying and very upset and asked for a Supervisor, who happened to NOT be on the floor at the time. So here I am in a room with two women, the supervisor never came so I sad ok lets do this, they asked me to pull my pants down and pat my Ostomy with MY hand and swab the bomb paper.......well, my bag had poop in it so out came the poop and into the TSA's hand and OMG their looks on their faces was priceless holding a handful of poop. Well that is what was in there and had to go through to get their swab.....then the ladies were like we did not mean for you to hand us poop!!!! I think they were traumatized...hey so was I!!!! Serves them right! And through my tears of humiliation, I had to giggle under my breathe. O and I came out clean, well maybe not exactly clean with the poop around, but clean of bombs!

You know I said this before I am the BIGGEST Patriot there is, I work for the government as a Federal Agent, I have a Top Security Clearance. I was married to a man that served 26 years in the Air Force, both my kids were born on AF Bases. I have voted in every Presidential Election, on and on. There has GOT to be a better way, really, what ever happened to those frequent flyer clearances?

Last time I wrote letters and went to the news, I heard from TSA in DC and was told they would use my case for sensitivity training, but here we are AGAIN! I almost feel like I have been struck by lightening twice, which is RARE, 1 in a million. And I feel REALLY bad because some of you refuse to fly because what happened to me TWICE may happen to you. And yes I will fly again.

So I will get out my last letter, make some calls. I have the names of the TSA officers from last night. And if any of you have suggestions, I am open to hear them. All I want to do is educate them and all I want is for none of you to have to endure what I have been through twice, it is so degrading and emotionally draining! And I simply CANNOT believe this happened to me again!

...well I felt like an alien (though hardly invisible) at the TSA airport yesterday. It took them 1/2 hour to search my laptop bag for something strange.... what was it? One of my AA batteries (I keep a backup set for my mouse).

Thanks, People need to get a grip! A little humor is a real human trait. TSA seems to be the bad guy when doing their job. (Trying to protect the flying public.)Hopefully you get a little positive response when hostile intentions are derailed.

This article has been done in bad taste even though it was meant as a joke for April 1st. The website manager needs to remove this blog and not allow anymore jokes to be posted on the site again. You are opening up TSA to a civil lawsuit by continuing to post this article. If the general public gets a hole of this it will be blown out of proportion. It also shows how many crazy people we have employeed in TSA amongst our ranks. Not a good article in my opinion and it relects badly upon our TSO's. April Fools Day is over.

Excellent one ;) Neglect everyone providing you difficulties. While I will don't agree with a lot of TSA's guidelines, I really like studying your website, and this one basically made me laugh! :) Excellent to see that the fed's do have a feeling of humor! free coupons for clothes