Assistant/Atlas: Hollywood's Young Shoulders

Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Support Your Seasonal Blockbuster: 2.19

Alright, so the majority of you who vocalized your opinion of the premiere post were not so sassified with me. That's all well and good, but for now, I'm running the show, so you'll just have to put up with me for today.

I will (attempt to) talk briefly on something that I, as an anal film critic, am not generally very fond of: The Blockbuster. Not the chain of video rental stores that censors their material (yes, Blockbuster censors all the movies they rent out - now, get Netflix), but the Hollywood kind.

I have this friend that works in an extremely overpriced candy store in Manhattan. It is frequented by celebrity types, rich-ass tourists, and spoiled children truant from their private schools. They shill out color-specific bags of M&Ms at 100X the cost of buying in bulk and paying illegal immigrants to separate them into crystal bowls.

It's a lot like big production companies and their shoddy attempts to lure us back into theaters to see movies they spend hundreds of millions of dollars making and marketing and merchandising. These movies generally suck and they proliferate the idea that directors like Michael Bay are a catch, and that's just stupid. It's no wonder summer box office sales are lower than they've been in 20 years. People are catching on.

However, once in a blue moon, something great comes along and saves their sorry asses. Movies like "Batman" and the upcoming King Kong present the viewing audience with more than the incentive of making Big Hollywood a crapton of money. They are truly spectacles. They are something that needs to be seen on the big screen. And you should love them, because they are truly awesome. Most of the time, I side with the indies, but sometimes, big money = big fun. Embrace your inner geek, and find some love for the rarely spectacular seasonal blockbuster. But choose wisely, and try to never appreciate a Michael Bay movie.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Whisper Price Game: Celebrity Siblings Edition

But before I go on a well-deserved vacation, I present you with the latest installment of the Whisper Price Game. I gotta give you all something to tide you over in my absence, right? This time, it's the prices of the siblings of more famous celebrities.

After all, if you're the sibling of someone who is very famous, you should at least be a little famous, right? Well, that's the theory, at least, behind today's Whisper Price Game. The other theory is that these people are some of the easiest targets in the world. So have at them, you naughty monkeys.

First up is Ashlee Simpson, sister of the famed Jessica and sister-in-law of the less famed Nick Lachey. If it wasn't obvious before her SNL lipsync snafu that she was a no-talent a$$clown, maybe her getting booed at the Orange Bowl would convince you. Or maybe just watching her.

Of the siblings on the list, Casey Affleck has probably done the most to make his own career separate from that of his superstar big bro--well, except for that the fact that they've appeared in a bunch of movies together. Casey also seems to groove on the indie fare his brother once favored (Ocean's 11 & 12 are the exceptions) so maybe he'll avoid becoming a Bennifer-- or Caseyifer as the case may be.

Can you believe this wholesome-looking girl is the sister of the biggest white trash superstar since Kid Rock? (but without Kid's refreshing ironic tinge) Of the people on the list, this 14-year-old is arguably the most talented (Casey Affleck fans will surely object to that), having done kiddie sketch comedy on Nickelodeon's "All That", plus helmed her own series, "Zoey 101" that is now among the channel's most popular. And maybe, just maybe, she'll learn from her sister's mistakes and not marry a back-up dancer.

Of all the celeb sibs on the list, I think I hate Haylie Duff the most. Not only is she not talented, but she's also ugly (this is by far the prettiest picture of her I could Google). Additionally, Hilary Duff's very existence has always just irked me, so perhaps it was inevitable that she'd draw my ire. But the fact that I might have to deal with two Duffs is just two Duffs too many.

The Olsens make the list only because they seem to draw a sort of weird power from one another as siblings. But unlike most of the people on the list, they built their own starpower (and billion-dollar empire), so they've got that going for them. Still, isn't there something just a little creepy about them? Maybe that's just me. . .

I feel like I'm forgetting other siblings, but that should be enough material for you at the moment. Comment away, kiddies, don't miss me too much while I'm gone, and remember that I shall return on July 4th.

Atlas Takes a Holiday: Episode 2.18

Finally, after much arm-wrestling and reminding and such with Sloane, I've been given final clearance to go on vacation. Hooray! The roomie will be in charge while I'm gone, so be nice to him. He's said he'll do a post, and I'm trying to get Trailer Maker to get her a$$ in gear, too.

So, Atlas out for now.

I'll return with a post on July 4th, to reflect on our nation's 2--somethingth birthday. We start counting from 1776, right?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Roomie: The Debut, The Musical, The Russians, The Review: 2.17

Wow, thanks for the rousing introduction, Atlas. This was to be my greatest moment. My incarnation! The birth of the blogging geeky roommate! Only I've chosen to drop the whole "Geeky" angle because my geek potential pales at the sight of Atlas'. The man knows far too much about Star Trek: The Next Generation to call me geeky. Throw in his insatiable lust for "Charmed" and it moves him right up to "Tool" status.

But, I am blogging. Back to that. There was a request I discuss my choices for a new Bond and I thought about discussing how freaking incredible it was seeing "Batman Begins" in IMAX, but those seemed right unimpressive. So, for my big debut, I'm bringing you lot something big. Sort of. Let's call it an "Assistant Atlas Premiere". The first of some movie reviews that I will do if I find the time to stop being lazy and write for once. On we go.

For those ill-informed movie buffs of the LA area, there is a magical festival of films held every year - appropriately titled "The Los Angeles Film Festival" - that I suggest you check out. Not now, though, you already missed it. Next time I'll warn you in advance. However, for the mere price of a movie ticket ($10), you could have seen a whole mess of classics, indies, music videos, and pending international releases you may never hear of.

Last Thursday, I was more than thrilled to see "Night Watch (Notchnoi Dozor)", the "first chapter in an epic fantasy trilogy". The trailer for this thing is off the hook. Catch it here if you ain't seen it yet and you'll get a glimpse at what I'm talking about. So I'm psyched. I like Russians (both the white and the black kinds), I like horror movies, I like fantasy movies, I like trilogies, and I love seeing movies way before everyone else does so I can have bragging rights. So I'm gonna brag, and then I'll tell in brief what I really thought.

WOOOHOOO, I saw this movie before most of North America! Take that!

And now, about the film (no worries, no real spoilers):

As with most horror/fantasy movies, Night Watch is about good and evil. Basically the forces of Light and Dark fight the hell out of each other, come to the conclusion that neither can win, and settle on a truce that humankind should never be forced to choose either good or evil, they should always have the right to pick their own destiny. Sounds a little familiar, no? So the truce sets up this system whereby the forces of Light keep the forces of Dark in check and vice versa. The Night Watch watches the Dark, to make sure they don't kill innocent people or unwittingly dupe them into becoming evil. The Day Watch does the same for the Light, but apparently, that's the second movie.

Our protagonist is Anton Gorodetsky. A man with a plan to get his cheating wife back with the aid of a little (unbeknownst to him) Dark Magic. This act lures the Night Watch to come and save his ass from turning evil, whereby we discover that Anton is actually an Other. The Others are those who have special powers, they make up the Night Watch, and the Day Watch, and any being basically considered Light or Dark. Special powers include: being a vampire, being a witch, having telekinesis, shape-shifting abilities, mind-reading, and a heaps of other prizes. Legend has it that there is a dude out there who can sway the balance between the Light and Dark, forcing one side's hand, and rumor has it, that man is Anton. Fortunately, Anton sides with the Light and soon joins forces with the Night Watch. His ability to see the future is apparently just what the Night Watch needs to lay down the law on some feisty Dark Others.

Here's where I stop rambling about the plot and start talking about the film itself, because for me, the plot was pretty much "meh". I don't want to give anything away, but, suffice to say, this is a plotline that isn't unfamiliar. However, the way it's done, is just short of fantastic. As the trailer shows, the visuals in this movie are sick. Vomitously ill - and I mean that in a good way. There is some stuff here I ain't never seen before. Production value: top notch. Direction: pretty sweet. Cinematography: inventive and spectacular. And there was something I've never seen done before in a foreign film: the subtitles were ingrained in the movie itself. Sweetness! For those of you who think watching dubbed movies is an okay practice because you hate reading subtitles, I spit on you, but I would suggest that even you might find comfort in the delightfully imaginative subtitling of this film. It conveys moods and tones! Magical.

But again, the plot is kind of tired, and the movie wasn't so much horror as an abstract comedy. At times reminiscent of Jean-Pierre Jeunet, it had this bizarro comedic element to it that was disconcerting for a movie that should be rather...dark. Maybe it's the Russians. Maybe I haven't seen enough Russian cinema to appreciate how drunk on vodka they really are. Or maybe, they were working the yin-yang angle. Because the movie is about good and evil, there had to be a balance between the dark visuals and something funny. Something funny like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, episode 7.1 ("Buffy vs. Darcula") gets a nod, and that's a plus in my book.

Honestly though, I was a little disappointed in this movie. I had such high expectations for a hard-core horror/fantasy based off the trailer, that I discounted the fact it could get schmaltzy when trying to cater to such a broad demographic. This was not unlike the disappointment I suffered upon the premiere of "The Phantom Menace", only... not that bad. I ain't totally blowing off the movie though. As a film spectacle, it drags its way from the pits of plot despair. I think many elements within it showcase the future of film. This director, Timur Bekmambetov, seems something special. I'm gonna have to check out his first movie "The Arena" . Mmm... "Live by the sword... Die by the Gladiatrix." Sweet.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Showing Bubbles How It's Done: 2.16

So today, Sloane had me 'teach Bubbles everything you know'. If that were even possible, it would be an hopelessly complicated task considering the enormity of what Bubbles doesn't know. Fortunately, all I think Sloane meant was 'everything I know about being an assistant.' Still an impossible task considering her learning curve, but I guess it must be done.

Now, remember, I choose 'Bubbles' as her fake name because of the AbFab reference , not because it's the name of Michael Jackson's chimp. Although, that didn't exactly turn me off to the name or make me think it inappropriate. Bubbles is, in many ways, a blond chimp with the ability to speak some form of English.

Bubbles: "What's up with the sitch on the stuff for Val? You know, the stats and stuff."

It's fun times with Bubbles, keeps me on my toes. Also, I feel like I'm in ESL class for Valleyspeak.

Bubbles: "So you do everything by the alphabet?"

Training Bubbles to be an executive/creative/all-around assistant is like training a dolphin to be a firefighter. It just ain't gonna happen properly, no matter how much the poor dolphin tries.

Bubbles: "Oh, so like, you have to keep track of everyone you talk to on the phone about stuff?"

Bubbles rarely seems to grasp concepts such as: 'you have to do the work or things get all messed up'.

Bubbles: "Should I like, leave a message?"

Unless you want to keep calling back every two minutes, I'd go ahead and do that.

Bubbles: "You know, like, in the right light, you sorta look like Michael Vartan, except younger."

You're incorrigible, woman. You're sleeping with Sloane, so if I slept with you, it would be like I slept with him. And I can't even begin to fathom how wrong that is. Also, you're still gonna have to do the work, eventually-- I'm pretty sure it's impossible to flirt your way out of every situation.

Bubbles: "Can't we just pretend we did it?"

Sure. We could also pretend we live in a magical fairyland where jobs are superfun and there are magical castles made of cocaine and gingerbread. But that doesn't actually do anything.

Bubbles: "That guy was totally not very nice. I am NOT calling him back again."Atlas: "I know, he is an a$$, so just try to keep conversations short and to the point with him."Bubbles: "Why can't we just ignore him...you know, like forever?"

Funny, I've asked myself the same thing about you.

Bubbles: "This job sucks."

I guess that means I've taught her all I can. Go, Bubbles, go into the world...This, by the way, is Jane Horrocks, who played Bubble on AbFab.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Back to Urth: 2.15

Yes, it's back to the old Peach Pit, the Bronze, Cheers-- that corner clever corner bar/cafe where I can while away my time with a mug of tea or whatever other crap I have to swill down while eavesdropping. It's hard work, I know, but I'm a masochist and I've gotta do it.

By the way, thanks for the commentary on the What the New Age Limit? post. My love life really appreciates it.

"Those people in Salem should shut the f*ck up before they don't get the statue and no one cares."-Angry thirtysomething in 'business casual'

He's referring to the Bewitched statue that Nick at Nite built to honor the town's commitment to paganism, er, no, to promote the movie?

"Sometimes doing this just makes me want to kill everything beautiful."-One industryite to another while their outrageously self-involved producer-type was in the bathroom.

I hear ya man, that's why I eventually had to take my Picassos off the wall--kept punching right through.

"You're dating someone who looks like Famke Janssen and you're somehow worried about it? Now that's what I call f*cked-up priorities."-My little brother in an email to me upon reading the blog

I know it's not from the Urth, but it made me laugh.

"Botox is for people who can't afford a facelift."-A woman who looked like she'd had several to her galpal

And facelifts are for people who can't afford to bathe in the blood of virgins.

"Scientology is ruining everything-- first Beck, now Katie Holmes."-Hipster to his equally-hip friend

Not to mention those survey-takers on Hollywood who make me want to punch them. Has anyone ever escaped from Scientology, by the way?

"You know what I wish grew on trees? Cocaine."-A different hipster to his slightly-less-hip friend

Wish granted-- assuming you're okay with bushes, not trees. (I really wish I knew the context on this one, but they were just passing by)

"I think a lot of times, European films don't make sense on purpose."-Fortysomething woman to her hubby

And I think a lot of times, American films suck because we're pandering to people like you.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Executive of the Week, Season Two!

I found one! So we're back here on Friday.

Yes, that's right, as promised, the Executive of the Week is back. And that makes me happy. Happy to have found someone to restore a little of my tattered faith, to add some lustre to that glittering Hollywood dream.

Now, as some of you guessed [good work, team!] I have been having trouble filling spots on the Exec of the Week list. So, from this time forward, Assistant/Atlas Executive of the Week and Asstastic Exec of the Week will rotate, each getting a week off to rest its karma.

So this is a happy week-- we've got some good lovin' to give out. But since this is a dude, it will be strictly platonic lovin'. But all lovin' is good loving, right my brothers?

Get to it, Atlas--who is it? Why it's Joseph LeFavi, Director of Development at Ardustry Entertainment. Ardustry is a hot little company at the moment since its takeover by former Paxson Communications and Paramount TV Group prexies, They're leveraging their Hollywood skillz to bring some biz to Ardustry's DVD catalogue, ramp up production and assemble intellectual property, word.

And darned if little Joey Jo Jo ain't the perfect man for the job*. His enthusiasm for scripts can be infectious, resulting in happier pitching for all. And since they actually read the material you send them, it's happy times all around.

Seriously, though, this guy is committed to his job developing material-- and he has incentive to actually develop material thanks to Ardustry's plans. Frankly, I envy him-- he's in a great job at a great time. Joe, if you read this, remember that. It is your duty to not screw up-- Hollywood needs you. BO is way down, Bollywood is nipping at our heels, piracy is chewing at our margins and craptasticity permeates many a H'wood product. It's up to you to make sure our DVD market is saturated with a wide array of good niche films. Development, like pimpin', ain't easy. But like pimpin', it can be fun. Words to live by, people, words to live by. . .

So to Joseph LeFavi I say "Thank you." And keep it up man, and together, we just might save this town.

*Never having met Joe I don't know if he is, in fact, little. What matters is that his heart is big-- and that his mind is actively functioning.*PS-- Sorry for screwing up your name before, Joe. Rest assured that the appropriate persons have been flogged repeatedly.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

What's the New Age Limit?: 2.14

If celebrities are any indicator, the public has become more comfortable-- and WAY more interested-- with generation-gap relationships. Atlas himself has joined the trend, dating an older woman who resembles a Spanish Famke Janssen.

She knows about the blog and prefers if I didn't talk about her, I think, although she's never specifically said so. But after that highly-provocative Angelina Jolie picture and post [it didn't help that Geeky Roommate told her I spent 'two hours' looking for it, which was at least an hour of exaggeration]. But Famke, as I'll call blogname her, is a great girlfriend-- she's almost unconscionably sweet, smart in that quiet & wise way, successful and very, very sexy. It shouldn't matter that she several years older than I am, right?

Growing up in the suburbs of the Midwest, I always heard that to figure out the youngest person you 'should' or 'could' date, you took half your age and added seven. This actually seems to work out pretty well. An 18-year-old shouldn't date someone younger than sixteen, which seems right. By the same measure, a 42-year-old shouldn't date someone younger than 28. It would make TomKat and DemiKutcher icky, but Brangelina okay. This also seems about right. But is it? Maybe the weirdness in those relationships comes from something else? In these cases, I'd say TomKat's obvious fauxmance and the fact that Ashton could almost date Demi's eldest daughter with less of a stir [almost...Rumer's still underage] could be causing the ick factor.

But, perhaps, have we, for now, 'gotten over' relationships that feature wide age disparities? To me, the answer is yes and no. Yes, they are more socially acceptable now, no we haven't gotten over our fascination with them.

Yes, no? Maybe so? I'd appreciate your comments.

Guys, if your woman looked like this, would you cheat? I didn't think so. Now please tell her by commenting. Thank you.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Whisper Price Game: Buffyverse Edition

Sarah Michelle Gellar hit the big $40 million opening with The Grudge, then agency-swapped in the wake of the Wirstschafter article, and now has signed up for some new work. She's pretty much A-list, especially since she's got a celeb husband with a new show but I doubt she's quite at the $20 mil superstar mark quite yet.

David Boreanaz seems like he's doing okay-- on a decent new show, "Bones", and with work set on a slew of projects, including the new Crow movie. Not bad, considering EW once wondered if the broodalicious actor would turn into an Ian Ziering. All in all, I'd say that's not likely at this point. But not having the proven box office of Sarah Michelle, just what would David's whisper price be?

Alyson Hannigan has cast her lot with a new show as well-- "How I Met Your Mother". Alyson does have some box office cachet, thanks to the American Pie trilogy, though she currently has no film projects in the works. Is it because she's too busy with her show, or is it hubby Alexis Denisof that's she getting busy with? All I know is that she's a friggin' amazing actress [best in the Buffyverse hands down] and deserves a high whisper price. But does she have one?

Michelle Trachtenberg has also faired well, top-lining Disney's Ice Princess, doing a hilarious guest stint on Six Feet Under, and with at least four film projects in the works. Plus, being the youngest member of the cast, Trachtenberg's price is most likely to rise. She also gets some points for dating rising star Shawn Ashmore [X2's Iceman], especially if they don't get married but have an awful public breakup involving Paris Hilton or a dance-off.

Aside from these four, though, there isn't a ton of work going around to the Buffyverse kids. Emma Caulfield did the awful Darkness Falls. Xander went gay for a tv movie-- and did do the highly-underrated Psycho Beach Party. Anthony Stewart Head's done some respectable theater [and a Rocky Horror run, too, I hear]. Charisma Carpenter got a couple guest spots on Charmed and is reported to be in heavy contention [along with Sarah Michelle] for the Joss Whedon-helmed "Wonder Woman" movie, but is basically an unknown box office draw.

So can you guess the whisper prices for the pictured four? And what would about the other various cast members? Should they get anything above scale?

Hiltons Celeb-u-pimp High Society: 2.13

I just caught the tail end of "So You Wanna Be a Hilton?" or whatever the heck they gave that show for a name. I can't believe I watched it, but, yeah, I'm a little drunk. Gimme a break, it was a tough day at the office. I deserve a martini, observe:

Atlas: "Hey, the guy from _____ [Paramount shingle-- too nice to be Asstastic] called again about "Lame Family Script X", what should I tell him is its status?"Sloane: "Tell _______ that he can take a dump in my hat for all I care."

[Atlas thinks Hey, if you took that hat to Hollywood & Highland, you could make fifty bucks.]

Sloane: "Atlas, I should be tanner, shouldn't I?"

[You're sixtysomething, you don't get tan, you get leathery]

Sloane: "So this Mos Def, he's a rapper?"Atlas: "Yes he is. I actually studied his album 'Black On Both Sides' in college."Sloane: "What? What class was that in-- Urban Justice?"

[Atlas realizes as he writes this that it's all about context. In this context, it was so blatantly racist I was dumbfounded on how to approach debunking his misconceptions. But imagine this as a conversation between two black people and it would seem fine, well, except for the fact that every black person I've ever met knows Mos Def is a fantastically talented hip-hop artist. Other than that, totally plausibly okay, right? If you'd heard Sloane, you'd know that Urban Justice wasn't a class that discussed racism so much as one that perpetuated it through faulty mechanisms in the criminal justice system.]

So I came home and had some dinner and then started throwing back the cocktails. I'm having one right now. Mmmmm....

Okay, back to the Hilton Mom Reality Show, it was pretty much like I thought it would be, except that Kathy Hilton is even more tightly controlled than I thought she would be. It's okay for small doses at present, but if that show's gonna breathe, this old-school Martha's gonna have to give it a little room.

I know it's How to Be a Hilton or whatever, but every great showwoman should have a sidekick and/or flunky. Paris always played by that rule and when the sisters were together in their Page Six days, they had each other.

I don't know if Kathy has sisters, but I vote for Perez Hilton to be the wacky sister if she doesn't. I know the show is probably done taping or whatever, but she needs a sidekick in the worst way-- or a flunky. Preferably both. She should actually probably have three friends to give her advice, just like every woman does. Then they could collectively decide the one person to let into their posse, just like women do in real life. Only this time, the person let into the posse gets a cut of someone's inheritance.

I'm just realizing something about the Hiltons. With Paris' recent decision to leave the headlines, Cathy's present reality venture and Nicky's inevitable fashion line, the Hiltons are a true celebri-family. Just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

But the more important thing about the Hiltons is that they marry old-school, monied 'society' with modern celebrity. It's quite brilliant, actually. The society pages are on the decline, but celebrity blogs can watch their traffic soar. The Hiltons have moved from old money 20th to newly fresh 21st, and they bring a high society cred.

Sorry, Mom, we can't be on your reality show, because we have this new one where it's like, me and Nicky, and we hump this cow.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Dear HBO's Entourage, Please Get Better: 2.12

There's nary a show on television that disappoints me as consistently as HBO's Entourage. Yet I seem to continue to watch.

The reason is pretty obvious: Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold.

It's hard to remember my exact favorite Jeremy Piven moment from Entourage, but he is the only thing that makes the show worth watching. Seriously. [Debi Mazar is good, but she's barely in it.] Can we kill off 'Drama' and replace him with someone who doesn't frequently spoil scenes? I know, it's a cool in-joke and whatever to have Kevin Dillon, but seriously, there's a reason the guy wasn't famous before. And bring back Samaire Armstrong, she was an awesome assistant-- the new gaysian guy is just an excuse for gay jokes, not a character.

Oh, and better writing would be nice for your show. Boy do you guys need better writing.

I think Entourage and HBO's recent crop of disappointing Hollywood-oriented shows [I can't even watch more than five minutes of "The Comeback"] leaves the door wide open to Showtime. Why not a gay version of Entourage, where the 'star' character is closeted and publicly straight and his 'Entourage' as it were is a creepy legion of Scientologists?

This show is friggin' cool, though be prepared to hate the WB with a passion you might normally reserve for Fox for not picking up this gem of a show. The best [worst?] thing about the Global Frequency pilot is that it seems like the show would've been even better than the pilot, considering how well they set up the characters, situations and world of the show. It wouldn't be like ABC's disappointing "Eyes", which had a great pilot but a crappy set of episodes. "Global Frequency" has a great set-up that allows globe-trotting, an ever-expanding stream of characters, and a strong sense of purpose. To wit, it's that normal people can work together outside the system to make things happen. Which is why it'd be the ideal show for a Net buzz-induced pick-up.

As you may know, Assistant Atlas swims against the Hollywood intellectual current when it comes to piracy. I think a little piracy ain't such a bad thing-- we all know that it bolsters creativity from Chinese subtitle writers. Or just ask the kids who were in college when Napster exploded if they can even stand to listen to commercial radio at this point. Eck, no way. Why? Because their taste has involved. And it looks like television might just be the next area revolutionized by the Internet. If a leaked pilot generates enough Internet buzz that a network orders episodes, the movement will have succeeded.

Of course, for that to happen, a lot more people need to see the pilot-- which is why I'm using our super-fast Internet connection and my roomie's G5 to make that happen. Ah, the pleasures of seeding torrents. It's right up there with sowing wild oats-- only it's even sexier 'cause it's kinda illegal.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Six Things You Shouldn't Ask Your Assistant: 2.11

Today's post gets right to the heart of the mission of Assistant Atlas-- restoring human decency to entertainment employers and their oft-put-upon employees. So in that spirit, I present to you these rules.

Rules for Assistants: [aka- Things You Should Not Ask Your Assistant To Do, But Probably Will Anyway, You Soulless Bastard-person]:

1) Do not ask us to obtain illegal narcotics– of ANY kind, be they prescription pills or yayo or the black dragon or whatever silly name they have for heroin now. Just don’t do it. Don’t ask for it, don’t use it. Contrary to popular opinion, a drug habit does not necessarily lead to success.

2) Clean up any of the following things the assistant was not directly responsible for causing: vomit, poop, urine, Tara Reid.

3) End a romantic relationship for you [in person]. However, as your assistant, I’m more than happy to edit any Dear John or Dear Jane letters if that’s what it takes.

4) Date anyone “In the Line of Duty”. This includes inducements to monitor/flirt a la Jeremy Piven’s speech to Samaire Armstrong about strapping on a helmet and going to war for a client. While we’re on the subject, isn’t Jeremy Piven really the only reason to watch Entourage?

5) This should go without saying, but sadly, I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t mention it. Sexual harassment is against the law. As is asking your assistant to sleep with you, your spouse, you and your spouse in a threesome, your gardener or your son.

6) This one’s for me: Don’t ask me to babysit your children. Partially because they are usually evil, like you. But mostly because I’m afraid they’ll die under my care and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. If you had had a clause that includes child care in the hiring contract, well, I wouldn’t have signed it.

See, that's it. Six simple rules for having an assistant. They're not hard to obey. So do it. Obey.

Oh...and just in case you were thinking about it-- yet another reason to not work at Fox. Somewhere, Rupert Murdoch hears the news, shrugs his shoulders, and continues beating the seven-year-old Vietnamese boys who shine his shoes.

So the "Chinese DVD pirates write his dialogue" link is down, probably overwhelmed by Star Wars geek traffic. Or, if you're paranoid, was closed a by stormtrooper squad of Lucas lawyers. I'm trying to remember all the best lines, but one involved is up on a screen capture over at Defamer, and it's a doozie: It's Ewan to Hayden: "They want to know him at f*ck" is the subtitle. The others were also quite hilarious, having been translated back into English from the dubbed-in-Chinese version. Anything about the Force is translated as "The Presbyterian Church". Having been confirmed into the Presbyterian Church, this makes me giggle like a wee schoolgirl. I don't know why. I simply want to own this DVD. But thanks to those knobmaster anti-piracy advocates in this stupid industry, I'll probably never have the chance. Sigh.

Now I know I announced the imminent arrival of 'the roomie' and/or Geeky Roommate a few days ago-- and he hasn't posted yet. The main reason is that the poor guy has been working like a dog. He's got one of those on-again-off-again editing gigs where he works like 16-18 hours/day for five days straight, then doesn't work for a week. It's kinda crazy. But I do think he's eager to post, so hopefully we'll hear from him soon.

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Executive of the Week Will Return

For those of you who've been readers since the pilot blog and have grown to like my previously-weekly celebration of the good people in the industry, don't worry. The Executive of the Week feature will return-- its evil doppelganger, Asst. Atlas Asstastic Exec of the Week didn't kill it. But let's take a moment to celebrate the previous winners, shall we?

These seven lovely people make me proud to be working in the entertainment industry when almost nothing else does. So I salute you again, first season Executives of the Week. Thanks for your dedication and keep up the good work.

If you'd like to nominate someone for the Assistant/Atlas Executive of the Week, feel free to email me at assistantatlas@yahoo.com. I love hearing the non-horror stories, unlike all the development execs in town.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Whisper Price Game: False Teens Edition

This week's Whisper Price Game will feature young starlets who may play teens on screen, but are twentysomething in real life.

Alexis Bledel's "Traveling Pants" are a modest success-- and I hear the book it's based on has two sequels already published. Plus, Gilmore Girls seems to be getting stronger with age. So Bledel's stock is on the rise, well, her non-HSX stock anyway.

Mandy Moore was great in "Saved!" and didn't screw up her star vehicles "A Walk to Remember" and "Chasing Liberty" [not that I saw either of those...okay, I may have caught part of "A Walk to Remember", but I swear I didn't like it]. And her upcoming movie looks good--John Turturro's "Romance & Cigarettes" with James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Steve Buscemi, Kate Winslet, Christopher Walken, Eddie Izzard, Mary-Louise Parker. . .wait, it's a musical? WTF?

Taryn Manning wavers between Tara Reid infamy and Angelina Jolie cool in my opinion [two extreme poles, to be sure]. But look at those credits. That's gotta count for some pocket change, right? I mean, she suffered through Britney's "Crossroads" and came back swingin'.

And finally, there's Elisha Cuthbert, who played the ever-annoying Kim Bauer on 24 and starred with Chad Mikey Murray and Paris Hilton in "House of Wax". She's also somewhat memorable in "Old School" for being in high school and sleeping with Luke Wilson. And Geeky Roommate swears that "The Girl Next Door" was surprisingly good.

So how much would you pay to get these ladies playing teens in your movie? Who would get the most, who would get the least from you? Comment away...

The Hollywood Stock Exchange: 2.09

It's a pretty interesting little game they've got going at hsx.com. For those not in the know, this is an online site where you can trade in your favorite movies, stars and more. No real money is exchanged, although you can use your HSX dollars to purchase nifty hats and mugs with the HSX logo and such. Like the Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest, the fun isn't to be had in the prizes-- it's to be had in the doing.

The fun comes from being able to scream things like "Stupid Jeremy Piven! I should've sold you when I had the chance!" And to get frustrated, like real studio execs, when your pet project-- the one you bought shares of when it was $1.00 and didn't seem like it would get made-- doesn't get a theatrical release, dooming the project as far as HSX is concerned.

There's lots of interesting put/call options. This is where you can essentially make a stock market bet on how well a movie is going to do. I recently made bundle when I bought a $35 million weekend Call option on Mr. and Mrs. Smith-- which cost me $3.50 and paid out around $15 [because the movie opened at about $50]. Sadly, I didn't buy a ton of it. But hey, it's not real money, so I can't really care.

The system is pretty interesting overall-- I remember it was a pretty sad/basic affair when it first launched. They used to have a ticker somewhere, too, perhaps along Santa Monica, maybe? At any rate, having been around for awhile [roomie played in college a lot] it's now has a pretty slick set-up. Also, it's pretty easy to play, even if you have [like me] no stock market experience whatsoever.

So if you're bored, and if you're reading this blog, chances are you might be, then you might sign up for HSX. It's free and a great time-killer.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Geeky Roommate Joins Blog, Gets Name Upgrade: 2.08

Assistant/Atlas now has his first official team member slash guest blogger slash cool new character, my Geeky Roommate, who is calling himself simply "roomie" in all further posts. Of course, I personally shall continue to call him Geeky Roommate because I have to live with his funky geek a$$. As one commentator put it, he's a sort of Robin to my Batman, but we're totally not gay. Well, I'm not. He got drunk one time and called Vin Diesel 'hot'. . .

Anyway, I do love in the guy in a platonic way [roomie, not Vin Diesel], so I will say some nice things about him:-Good movie taste and good pop culture taste in general. Better than mine in a lot ways, actually. And certainly a deeper comic knowledge base. -He's got Holy Geek Purity: he possesses that pure fanboy joy that instinctively differentiates between pure awesomeness and faux-awesomeness. And you just gotta admire that, as emotionally immature as it may make some.-Keen eye for editing and cinematography that often causes him to snicker or inhale sharply in awe at [to me] seemingly random intervals during films.-He makes me laugh. Oh, God is this guy funny. He doesn't seem like it in person, at first. But he's one of those guys that when he gets going, he's hilarious. I'm hoping that transfers to his writing. I think at first he may just provide some cool links and blurbs and such.

So that's the Atlas news for the day. Tune in tomorrow for more Whisper Price game featuring some dueling teen queens played by twentysomethings.

Do you think this man is hot?Then you agree with the roomie [when intoxicated].

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Assistant/Atlas Asstastic Executive of the Week

This week's evil Exec of the Week prize goes not just to a single executive, but to an entire production company that I consider Asstastic. In my opinion, these people take snobbery to a whole new level-- which is saying a lot, considering the industry in which I work. Every phone conversation with them seems to end in agony. Now, I'm fine with hurried conversations-- I know we're all busy. That's why I talk fast. But there's talking fast and there's being curt. I know the difference-- and so do most assistants. And this may just be one lower-level employee there, but if you pretend to listen to us, we're gonna figure it out. Why? Well, because we only tell you the basics of what you need to hear. So when we refer back to things we just told you and you ask us about them-- you waste your precious time and OURS!

This week's Assistant Atlas Asstastic Executives of the Week are the people at Weed Road Pictures. Weed Road is the production company helmed by Akiva Goldsman. I would like to stress that not everyone there sucks, but enough people do that I hate a seething blanket hatred for your entire company.

Look, you're a highly-respected production company in the sense that Akiva's involved in highly-praised films [well, not the ones you produce-- the people at Query Letters would have a field day with queries for "Deep Blue Sea" and "Constantine"]. But why not have a sterling professional reputation to boot? We all know you can get away with it as long as Akiva Goldsman is at the helm, but why not take this opportunity to realize that courteous professionalism is not that hard, and it's way better than being Asstastic(TM pending).

Now, it may just be me. Maybe everyone else in H'wood just loves them. But if there's one thing I learned from the Executive of the Week it's that I don't seem to be treated any better or worse by anyone in the industry. The people who were good to me were good to everyone [and were highly praised even in anonymous comments]. So I'm hoping it's vice-versa-valid. But lemme know. Defend your favorites employees there. Or agree with me and leave your own trashing of them.

Monday, June 13, 2005

The TomKat fiasco: 2.07

"HELP ME!"

We've all seen the herpes pictures. We've all marveled over the couple's Oprah appearance. We've all delighted in the Shields-Cruise psychiatric medicine mudfight. And we all know that Katie Holmes is being totally honest when she attacks the press for doubting their love, in that half-Scientology-doublespeak-half-Dawson's-Creek speech: "I couldn't be happier. I'm so happy. He's the most amazing man in the whole world."

Of course you're happy, Katie, he's Tom Cruise. You're dating a megastar, darlin'. I mean, your previous honey was Chris Klein--plucked from Nebraska to moon his mug all over that silver screen until he was used up and spit out [like, right now]. Tom Cruise he ain't.

Sorry, Katie. Thing is, it doesn't matter if you're really in love or not. I officially don't care anymore. Both of you have used up valuable tabloid gossip space with your obvious fauxmance. A fauxmance, readers, is a publicity-driven stunt hookup writ large. But since I'm describing TomKat, you probably already knew that.

See, TomKat, you guys have been strutting your collective hotness for the paparazzi. Celebrity couples, with their perfect lives and perfect loves, is not just annoying, but induces actual rage deep within me. TomKat is so blatantly manufactured, so outrageously sigh-worthy, that I just want it to stop. And with them, I hope all celebrity couples will angle for a lower profile, because I just can't handle them anymore.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Hot, Hot Heat with Angelina Jolie: 2.06

Now, many of you may not be aware that Atlas is an extremely attractive heterosexual man, and thus, has more than his fair share of ladyfriends. Ryan Colucci knows what I'm talking about.

I think a lot of women out there, having watched Lindsay Lohan go from voluptuous hottie to famine victim, are wondering if ultra-thin is the new bronze [which is the new black]. Do the hot, available men like Atlas and Ryan Colucci want a woman like this? Hell, no. We're with Kenny Chesney on this one. Well, I can only speak for Kenny and myself. Ryan may perhaps like his women to be all bone.

But, please, women, if you are going to strive for some unattainable pop culture/movie icon, then please, pick the right one. Choose Angelina Jolie. Please. Be hot and sexy and ready to fight or f*ck at a moment's notice. Be limber and agile and able to kick someone's butt and not need a man to open the pickle jar [um, but please ask us to do it anyway, once in awhile, just so we're not completely emasculated]. Now, Kenny already has his icon, and not being roly-poly country stars, the rest of us will probably have to settle for a near-Jolie.

Why is Angelina the hottest woman on the planet? Allow me to share the text of a news item originally from the Internet Movie Database, which is imdb.com to those who type it regularly. On June 1st, they reported--ahem...

Angelina Jolie dumbfounded Mr. And Mrs. Smith director Doug Liman with her eagerness to make sex scenes in the movie as eye-watering as possible. Liman instructed the sexy 29-year-old to perform the kinkiest sex acts he could think of, just to shock her - but none of his suggestions were new to the saucy star. He says, "I suggested she should perform the most graphic, crazy sex act I could imagine for the love scene just to try to shock her. Like 10 steps beyond anything I'd consider doing in my own life. She starts furrowing her brows. I'm like, 'Oh, never heard of that one?' She's like, 'No, actually I'm just trying to figure out whether I've done that one.'"

Sh*t, man. I mean, dang. DANG. Oh sure, some guys out there prefer virgins [Wilmer Valderama, anyone?] but I'd take an experienced woman any day. Why? Because virgins are boring and eventually the thrill fades and you're left with a stupid girl mooning over you because you "made her a woman". In my heaven, there ain't 77 virgins-- there's 77 Angelina clones...actually, that's probably too many to handle. Maybe just three or four waiting to play all sorts of. . .

Maybe I better stop here. So the point of today's post is this: Strong, healthy, experienced women are way hotter than demure ingenues. So much hotter. I mean, just look at that.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Mr. Sloane and the Ladies: 2.05

You've all been clamoring for more on my evil muse/boss, Sloane, so hopefully this'll sate you for awhile--and make Friday more fun!

Today, I'd like to tell you about Sloane's misogyny. I figure the more evil villains are, the more interested you'll be in just about anything. And cuz misogyny can be funny! [joke] And you asked for it. Remember that, you asked for it.

Mister Sloane is in his 60s-- he's fond of telling twentysomething development people that he's been in the business "since before you were in diapers". And let me tell you, nothing engenders respect like ageism and potty references. Except maybe a sharp blow to the head.

Sloane certainly has some interesting views on the intersection of gender and capitalism [not to mention a vicious double-standard regarding greed]. If I had to give a Psych 101 interpretation, I'd say they were a mix of living in LA/working in showbiz and his growing up in a pre-feminist world. Here's a money quote from just two days ago: "All I'm saying is that most women are money-grubbing whores. MOST women. Not all. Some are just greedy-- like men." Let's tease that out, shall we? Greed is okay, but whoring yourself for it is the exclusive property of women and should be despised. It might also be a power thing: women have the power of whoring and Sloane loses out because he doesn't.

He's got some issues with strong women, too: "If you're not careful, Atlas, a woman will just rip off your ball sack and eat it with a parsley garnish." I think I really just threw this quote in there because I liked the parsley garnish part. Personally, I'd wrap my sack around some foie gras, maybe drizzle it in a light meringue glaze.

The comments about his now-ex [we all suffered through an extended separation before D-day: his fourth divorce, her second] are highly misogynistic and often hilarious. Sadly, I'd have to ***** out most of them-- so much that they're not worth reprinting. Rest assured that he definitely has a boundless hate for at least one woman.

While discussing hot tv shows, I got this comment from him: "I hate those opening titles [on Desperate Housewives]. It's like they're trying to say that what those women raising babies throughout history were just as important as the men who were-- you know, inventing civilization." And no, I didn't tell him that that was the whole point. I don't challenge the crazy, I just work here.

Maggie, our plucky receptionist, would have ripped him a new one. [Bubbles is too much of an amiable moron to challenge Sloanethink.] I do believe Sloane knows that Maggie will call him on the stupid sh*t that too often comes out of his mouth. Bless that woman, and her dear, dear, unexpected fetus-child.

So what does his theory of women mean for his idea of the role of women in entertainment? He thinks women have their place- supporting the great creative geniuses of the industry as receptionists, assistants, readers, etc. Oh, and they can be good actresses, but they can't be smart. Publicists are all "skinny b*tches with cell phones up their c*nts". And let's just avoid the entire topic of lady ent. execs altogether by saying that he doesn't much care for them.

The Whisper Price Game Returns

Why these two? Well, both have new movies [Batman and Dogtown], but are very different actors. Heath seems petulant and spoiled, while Bale takes seriousness to a weird new level. Next up for Bale [after Batman] is Terrence Malick's "The New World" with Colin Farrell and for Ledger is the Western homo epic and Oscar pretender "Brokeback Mountain" with Jake "I'm not gay I'm just an extremely sensitive puppy dog" Gyllenhaal. Comment away [and feel free to rip on Farrell and Gyllenhaal while you're at it].

"The Inside" is Wasting Talent: 2.04

So I watched the premiere of "The Inside" and I have to admit it was pretty good-- especially considering that it's the same network that's bringing you "Hell's Kitchen".

Tim Minear, Jane Espenson, Ben Edlund, and David Fury, you guys are great. But The Inside ain't gonna work for me. Even good characters played by Adam Baldwin [as seen on Angel and Firefly] and Katie Finneran [I miss Wonderfalls] aren't going to be enough. And Peter Coyote does craggy and creepy with an easy sureness.

And I'll be the first to agree that the pilot was very smartly-written [that scene where the main girl, Rachel Nichols, and boss man Peter Coyote do some role-playing in the victim's apartment was friggin' amazing], but I doubt it's enough to sustain the show. And people, you're on Fox, which means that the second your ratings drop, you'll be canceled. Which could be as soon as three or four weeks. So, I'm sorry, it's really not worth it. I'm sorry to say this, guys, but I want your show to be canceled. And then I want you all to go on and do something better.

I just don't want to watch a show where the main characters are cops/FBI agents: international espionage is much cooler. By the way, JJ Abrams' assistant called-- Alias wants their font back.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Hey WB! If you're smart, you'll pick up Joan NOW!: 2.03

Look, I don't even watch Joan of Arcadia regularly, but I'm making this post about the TV show Joan of Arcadia on behalf of all fans who've lost their favorite television program. Most of you, I'm sure, are angry at Fox. Understandable. I'm still nursing a Wonderfalls grudge. If they'd put that on after American Idol...but I digress.

With contracts due to expire June 15, there's practically no time and little likelihood that this will happen. Which is a shame, because it means that the weblets are kinda dumb.

That's right, WB. I'm talking to you. Pick up Joan. Put that good actress [not Mary Steenburgen] back to work. You of all networks should know the power of a popular series. Joan, even with its demographically-undesireable 8 million viewers, now has the buzz and always had the dedication to be at least as strong as Gilmore Girls, especially if given a second lease on life. And WB, when was the last time one of your drama series [or any of your series] got 8 million viewers? Oh, that's right, NEVER. Smallville got maybe 6-6.5 mil, but that's stretching it. Nowadays it's happy in the 5-ish range. And while One Tree Hill is coming on strong, it's still nowhere near 8 mil.

But if you're a WB exec, you might ask-- where to put it? God, almost anywhere. Give it a year off then use it to replace Charmed [with better numbers]. Or put it on literally any other night for the likelihood of better numbers-- and please replace one of the mildly-retarded-sounding new dramas you've picked up.

Now, it might make even more sense for UPN to pick up Joan. It'd probably be a better lead-in for Veronica Mars, though America's Next Top Model is currently UPN's 'big hit'. Why not show move these shows to say, Sundays? UPN has zero presence on Sunday and while Joan and Veronica will inevitably be slaughtered by Extreme Makeover and Desperate Housewives, they'll still hold their own in DVD sales. And right now, that's probably the best UPN can hope for.

The point is, once again, executives are being morons. Once again, tv execs are letting a good show get away. And once again, the viewing public will be disappointed. And once again, execs have no one to blame but their assistants.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

How Not to Be a Suited Idiot on a Film Set: 2.02

As promised, here's a guest blog! This one is by Peggy Archer, the saucy minx who runs "Totally Unauthorized", which you'll find in my links list. Peggy has helpfully provided this guide to not pissing off the woebegone crew members on your local movie/commercial/tv set.

HOW NOT TO BE SUITED IDIOT ON SETBy Peggy Archer

Welcome to our happy little film set! Ignore the swearing and dirty jokes - the crew are really nice folks, but we do have a generally misunderstood job to do, and you can make it much harder for us if you don't pay attention. Normally when "tourists" or "suits" are on set we roll our eyes and groan, but if you just remember the following things, we'll love you forever:

1. Never set any liquid on an HMI ballast - they're the square silver things in the photo, and what they are is a computerized control system for that big huge light. Unless you're the producer, I'll bet they cost more than your car, and spilled liquid will ruin them. Don't sit on them, either. You'll get the ass rot.

2. Please, please, PLEASE pay attention to what's going on around you. Film sets are dark (especially if they're on a stage), and confusing- and as you can see from the photo, there's all kinds of cable and construction waste on the ground. People are also in a hurry and rushing while they're carrying hot, heavy and/or pointy things. If you're not paying attention, you could be seriously injured. Don't wear open toed shoes or flip flops, either. 3/4 " drywall screws have ways of finding your toes.

3. If you take a picture and are using the flash on your camera, please say "Flashing" loudly - before you take the picture. A camera flash looks exactly like a light bulb blowing out, and if the electricians see the flash of white light and don't know that's what it is, they'll go batty trying to find the blown out globe when it was your camera. This is funny, but very, very mean.

4. When the AD says "Quiet" - this means you. "Quiet" does NOT mean 'continue your conversation in a whisper'. "Quiet" means shut up while we're rolling. The microphones that are used can pick up a whispered conversation from a surprisingly long way away.

6. If you see crew running in and out of a doorway, please don't block that doorway while you have a conversation. We might accidentally hit you in the back with something pointy. On a related note, the phrase "Watch your back" means move right now. If you're in a doorway and you hear the phrase "Watch your back", move AWAY from the doorway. Do not attempt to go back through it. Remember, pointy object = pain.

7. Whomever's carrying the heavier load gets right of way. If I'm carrying a 40 lb light, and you're carrying a 10 oz. cell phone or two sheets of paper - You are the one who needs to yield. I don't care who you are. Neither does my spine.

8. When craft service puts food out, let the folks who've been there longer get to the food first.

9. We are happy to answer questions and chit chat when we're not busy. If we are busy (and you can tell), please let us work. We get yelled at if we don't.

10. Ladders are for climbing, not for setting drinks on.

11. If you ask really nicely, the grips might let you sit on an apple box (but know that it can be taken from you at any time), but NEVER EVER for any reason sit or stand on camera cases.

12. Don't stand in front of a light. Feel that heat on your back? It means you're casting a shadow onto the set. Don't walk in front of a light, either. On a related note.. if you can look into the camera lens, you're in the shot.

13. If folks are working over your head, you might want to move. We try not to drop things, but accidents do happen. If a crew member asks you to move, please do so immediately and don't argue.

14. If you don't know what something is, don't touch it.14a. Don't plug anything in ANYWHERE without asking first. DC power (which some stages still have) will do a number on your cell phone charger, and if you didn't ask before plugging it in, we'll laugh at you.

15. Please don't wear perfume. Even air conditioned sets are hotter than hell under the lights, and you wouldn't believe how bad your "Obsession" smells after it's been hanging in the air for a while and has bred with someone else's "Opium". Speaking of bad smells, if you have to fart, please step off the set - off the stage if you can. Thanks.

Now, see, if we all just follow the rules Peggy won't have to donkeypunch you in the nutsack/vagina. And I won't have to encourage her to do it.

Assistant Atlas Asstastic Executive of the Week!

That's right, kids, it's the evil doppelganger of the Assistant/Atlas Executive of the Week. I know "Asstastic Exec of the Week" wasn't one of the choices, but when I hit upon it, I knew it was the one.

For the first, but certainly not the last, Asstastic Executive of the Week I think MUST GO to the man himself, Michael Eisner. Yes, Michael Eisner, you took a company that was a modest animation/movie/entertainment studio, a symbol for pure, heartfelt, child-like emotion [and yes, paranoid xenophobic nationalism] and turned it into a monstrous corporate beast that devours the souls of employees and customers alike [without totally getting rid of the paranoid xenophobic nationalism].

You are evil incarnate to me, Michael Eisner.

And for the record, no, I haven't read the infamous book on the Mouse House or work there. I don't need to. With Michael Eisner, the results of his Asstasticity are apparent. Disney used to mean something to me-- something wholesome and nice-- that brought me joy. And I think once, it meant something to many people in my generation. But for me, no longer does the sheer thought of Disney inspire joy. True, part of that loss is growing up. Yes, part of it is the changing nature of the entertainment industry. But part of it is Michael Eisner. Worse than profligate debt spending or the inheritance of an inadequate health care system, Michael Eisner has destroyed a huge chunk of my generation's pure joy.

For that, Michael Eisner, you were chosen as the first-ever Assistant/Atlas Asstastic Executive of the Week. Congratulations, schmuck! May you rot in Hell next to Bambi's mother.

Week 6: So I've been hit on by Kathy Griffin, I've got more radio interviews than I can handle, literally thousands of people every day are checking out my stuff. Wowie!

Week 7: Someone's trying to impersonate me? What? Why? Oh, to get a radio interview? Dammit! They stole Sirius, that's my national one! Bastards! I must stop them!

Yes, many of my regular readers may be wondering what the hell is going on. Essentially, Atlas was tipped off to the fact that some guy was planning on giving an interview on a show as yours truly, Assistant Atlas. It was all over the Something Awful boards-- his evil, nefarious, hilarious plan. Tipped off, but not about to let someone else steal my interview thunder, I managed to get a hold of the producer in time. Of course, now, he won't call me back because of the whole fiasco. Will he ever?

Welcome to Season Two. . .

It was a death-defying escape from the clutches of the malaise in which I found myself-- I was pulled partly out by wonderful people like [who knew?] "rabbikubota". I don't care if you're joking or not, dude, when I saw that comment, I got a little choked up. Your hero, dude? Seriously. I'm a little vklempt. So talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic-- the Bubonic Plague was neither Bubonic, nor a . . .oh, well, I guess it was a plague. Killing half a continent's population counts as plague, I guess.

Anyway, it was a close one there with the rampant depression and the identity-assumption scenario and all. I almost didn't feel like coming back. But I ultimately knew that I just couldn't let you down, because the would be like letting myself down and message message message message message message. Learning. Ahhhh....

Speaking of, I bet you'd like to learn who's going to be guest blogging. . . well, you'll find out. We don't do deadlines at Assistant/Atlas because the world is full of those. But I think the first ones up will be Geeky Roommate on Bond, James Bond, and Trailer Maker on ways to tell if a trailer is good, but its movie sucks. Assistant Unemployed is already hard at work on blogging, despite the fact that she's workin' hard to get a job and in the meantime is tempin' her ass on the streets. And Acronym Girl will make an appearance.

So, what does a good season premiere do? Why, it presents a wrap-up of last season's major threads and and churns ahead with new ones. So, we've wrapped up the guest blogger voting, had a surprise identity-switching/hate mail cliffhanger, and learned about some changes being made. Like these lil hyperlinks in the tidbits below. Well, that's all for now, I've spent way too much time on today's post anyway.

OH-- agent's assistants! Atlas is launching the Executive of the Week's evil doppelganger-- the Assface Executive of the Week [a name change may be happening]. So if you wanna get your hate on with an exec-- let me know so they can be publicly and forcefully castrated. Or just humiliated, depending on the circumstances. Email assistantatlas@yahoo.com with your horror stories, gripes and grudges. Don't worry, we're all about anonymity here at Assistant/Atlas.

VOTE: What should the evil doppelganger of the Executive of the Week be named?-Assface Executive of the Week-Jerk of the Week-Incompetent Executive of the Week-Imbecile of the Week-Hollow (wo)Man of the Week-Craptastic Exec of the Week-Infantile Executive of the Week-Publicly Shamed Executive of the Week-Douchebag of the Week [suggested by McNasty]