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Friday, 11 February 2011

Wrestling World of Wrestling

Whilst tidying up the basement of the E14 Office one day, wrestling correspondent Omer Ibrahim and general office layabout Brad Harmer stumbled upon what appeared to be a large gateway, carved out of obsidian or possibly black marble. After dusting it down and playing around for a little while, the boys (with the assistance of their mechanic - E14ie Kelly Prior) managed to figure out what the buggery it was. It was a Time Gate.

The user manual, written in Ancient Helliwigian indicated only three limitations:

1) The Time Gate cannot be used for more than three hours at a time.2) The Time Gate can only bring people through, and send them back. It cannot send anyone from this end through time.3) The Time Gate only works on pro-wrestlers.

Faced with their fantastic new discovery, Brad and Omer snuck a wrestling ring, commentator desk, Titantron and television crew into the basement and set out to achieve what anyone else would try and achieve were they in their shoes: to establish a pro-wrestling federation spanning space and time. And to avoid getting found out by Rob. He hates slackers.

Brad: Okay, ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wrestling World of Wrestling! I'm Brad Harmer!Omer: And I'm Omer Ibrahim. I'm obviously the better half of the team.Brad: Can't argue with that.Omer: I know what I'm talking about. I've had some in-ring experience myself.Brad: Uh-huh.Omer: So, you can be the straight guy, and I'll just talk about boobs a lot.Brad: Boobs for the win. It's time for our first match here tonight, we've got "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles and "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels taking on...Omer: The legendary team of Mistico and...uh...that's Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.Brad: Could be Ricky "The Steamboat" Dragon.Omer: Or Ricky Steamdragonboat. Boatdragonsteam.Brad: Ricky Steamdrag.Omer: His real name is Richard Blood. That's a wrestler name anyway, surely?Brad: Dick Blood.Omer: Hunh...right, we've got Mistico from Japan.Brad: Mexico.Omer: Mexico.Brad: Stick with us, grap-fans. Later on we've got The Iron Sheik versus Terry Funk in a Street Fight.Omer: And we'll be showing The Great Muta sex tape. I'm looking forward to that, because you'll get to see his shining wizard. Right. The wrestlers are now in the ring and...staring at the commentators.

AJ STYLES & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS

VS

RICKY "THE DRAGON" STEAMBOAT & MISTICO

Ricky Steamboat and Christopher Daniels start the match. There's a little to and fro at first, but Steamboat seems to be leading. Steamboat hits a snap suplex into a pin and Daniels is just barely able to kick out.

Ricky Steamboat tags in Mistico, and Daniels gets cocky and makes the mistake of trying to out do the Mexican superstar in speedy-jumpy shenanigans. Things come to a head when Mistico goes for a hurricanrana, and Daniels counters by headbutting him in the left ball. Daniels tags in AJ, who nails Mistico with a series of forearms. Brad: This isn't the high rope action I was expecting...Omer: No... Mistico desperately tries to tag in Ricky Steamboat, but AJ hits the Pele and then manages to get him in a Muta lock. Mistico manages to grab the ropes, and AJ tags in Daniels. Omer: Daniels hits a nasty kick to the midsection.Brad: It's okay. You can say 'bollocks'. We've not signed a "PG only" contract. That'd be a fucking moronic thing for a wrestling promotion to do. Mistico hits a 619 from out of nowhere and tags in Steamboat. Daniels tags in AJ, who comes running straight in with a flipping dropkick. Brad: Steamboat manages to evade with some sort of forward roll. What would you call that move?Omer: A RickRoll. AJ goes up top and hits a cross body block. Steamboat kicks out on two. AJ goes back up and nails Steamboat with a falling knee drop. The Dragon is in a bad way. Daniels comes in and they go for the High/Low.

AJ goes for a falling leg-drop off of the turnbuckle, but Steamboat rolls out the way, trying for a sneaky pin on the stunned AJ. AJ kicks out, and locks Steamboat in an abdominal stretch. Brad: There's no getting away from it: that move always looks like bum sex. Steamboat powers out, runs up the turnbuckle, and goes for a falling cross body, but AJ ducks aside. Steamboat hits canvas hard. AJ hits a frogsplash and pin of his own...but Steamboat kicks out...

AJ tags in Christopher Daniels. Steamboat has recovered and manages to lock Daniels in a sleeperhold...Daniels barely powers out. Before he can recover, Ricky Steamboat hits the top rope body press and goes for a pin!

AJ goes for the save, but gets cut off by Mistico - Steamboat gets the one-two-three! Omer: The moral of the story here is that if you're ever in a wrestling match, it really pays off to be Ricky Steamboat.Brad: Okay, it's time for the absolutely insane Iron Sheik to take on the hardcore legend and King of ECW, Terry Funk.Omer: Speaking personally, I would rather enjoy this match if they just stood and shouted at each other for a while.Brad: I can't imagine Terry Funk shouting. Funk looks in reasonable condition, there. I'm guessing that the Time Gate has managed to pluck him from mid-nineties ECW, right?

Omer: Yeah, I'd say so.Brad: Sheik though is looking rather balder, fatter and older than we were hoping for.Omer: Yeah, we may have got the present day Sheik - complete with insanity - to wrestle a fit Ter...you know, the Sheik will be in a good enough shape to wrestle. He may be built like a great waddling barrel, but he has an almighty moustache, which is the source of all his power. I would love to form a tag-team with The Iron Sheik.Brad: That would be great.Omer: Thinking about it, that would be the best tag-team ever. I said it as a joke, but that is actually awesome. I'm going to try and book the Iron Sheik. He'd put the gear on and throw the odd punch for the right money.Brad: To be honest, The Iron Sheik just managing you would be awesome.Omer: That would be amazing. Right: at some point the Iron Sheik will manage R.J. Singh and "Unbreakable" Omer Ibrahim. And it will be the best thing you've ever seen.Brad: Okay, we've got nurses on stand-by, as is required for all our hardcore matches.Omer: They're ready to deal with bleeding moustache wounds.Brad: This is Wrestling World of Wrestling...Omer: And everybody here is insane.

THE IRON SHEIK

VS

TERRY FUNK

[STREET FIGHT RULES MATCH]

Sheik nails a belly to belly suplex, and spits on Funk. He harshly throws Funk to the turnbuckle, then hits a snap suplex. Brad: The Iron Sheik is like some sort of Human Suplex Machine. Sheik goes for a pin...one...two...THREE!!! Omer: Hunh...The Iron Sheik has just crushed Terry Funk.Brad: I don't think any of us were expecting that.Omer: I was expecting Sheik to try and keep it in the ring as much as possible. I was't expecting him to pin Funk in four moves. That was quite incredible.Brad: I got a feeling Kelly screwed the machine up.Omer: Kelly? Did you find the world's most powerful version of The Iron Sheik? Anyway, Iron Sheik is the winner, and I couldn't be happier for the crazy bastard.Brad: This is Wrestling World of Wresting: All Shark Boy...Omer: ...All the Time. Brad: Okay, ladies and gentlemen we've just gotten word of a fight breaking out backstage and we...is that Giant Baba?Omer: It is Giant Baba, and he's pummelling Gorgeous George. Baba appears to have come through the machine and taken offence at George's inability to speak Japanese. The two fight back and forth, and Baba whips Gorgeous George into the stationary cupboard. Omer: He really has taken exception to George.Giant Baba whips George into the camera...and we lose the feed. Omer: That was awesome!Brad: We'll try and find out what's happening as soon as possible...Omer: But in many ways, isn't it better not to know?Brad: Okay, right now we've got Bret Hart and Kurt Angle...Omer: Something of a dream team, there.Brad: Taking on the Legion of Doom!Omer: Also something of a dream team.

LEGION OF DOOM

VS

KURT ANGLE & BRET HART

Animal and Bret start off. Animal leads in with a shoulder charge but Bret counters and throws Animal into the turnbuckle and nails Animal with a clothesline. Hawk tags in, and goes for an armdrag, but Bret counters with a clothesline.

Kurt Angle tags in. Hawk throws Angle into the turnbuckle, and hits a running dropkick. Hawk dominates Kurt, hitting a hard running clothesline, a gutwrench suplex, and a gorilla press slam, before going for the pin. One...two...Kurt kicks out! Brad: That just goes to show what I've always said: Kurt Angle isn't going to job to someone like the Legion of Doom.Omer: Hawk tags in Animal. Why...we don't know. Angle hits a dropkick. Animal tags in Hawk. Brad: The Legion of Doom are like a well oiled machine.Omer: They're oily, that's for sure. Hawk whips Angle into the turnbuckle, and goes running in for a shoulder charge. Angle lifts a knee for the counter and hits the overhead belly to belly! Omer: Angle follows up with a rear naked choke!Brad: That always sounds sexy. Hawk powers out, but Angle hits the Angle Slam before he can fully recover. Angle goes for a pin. One..two...Hawk kicks out.

Angle nails Hawk with three German suplexes, and goes for another pin...one...two...Hawk kicks out...but it was close this time. Angle hits another Angle Slam...but Hawk still kicks out. Brad: Hawk may be in a bad way, but he has just kicked out of two Angle Slams Hawk rolls outside the ring and drags Angle out after him. Hawk slams Angle into the ringpost. Omer: Ref needs eyewear. Hawk throws Angle back in and tags in Animal. Animal throws Kurt over the top rope and outside. Angle and Animal are brawling at ringside...the referee is counting...

Animal goes to get back in the ring, but Angle catches hold of his ankle, trapping it in the ankle lock. Animal is technically in the ring, though and Angle gets counted out! Brad: Okay, now it's time for the Shark Boy Match of the Week as we put him up against...Jushin "Thunder" Liger!Omer: Here's our Japanese announcer to announce Liger...

Announcer: Juuushinoo Thunderreea Ligarr!

Omer: I love Japanese announcers.Brad: There is something unbelievably funny about a Japanese announcer doing the Curry Man intro.Omer: We should bring Curry Man in at some point.Brad: I'm up for that.

JUSHIN "THUNDER" LIGER

VS

SHARK BOY

Liger takes the initiative, and nails a cross face chickenwing. Shark Boy coutners by biting Liger's bum, followed by a falling facebreaker. Shark Boy whips Liger into the ropes, goes for a back drop, but Liger flips over and schoolboys Shark Boy...one...two...Shark Boy kicks out!

Liger hits fisherman buster, surfboard stretch, and a Liger Bomb!...one...two...Shark Boy kicks out! Brad: It takes more than that to take out Shark Boy! Liger hits another Fisherman buster and goes for the pin...one...two...Shark Boy kicks out!

Liger goes up top, hits a falling knee drop twice in succession, followed by a Liger Bomb! Shark Boy still manages to kick out!

Liger hits a falling headbutt and goes for the pin...one...two...THREE! Brad: That wasn't really a surprise.Omer: I was expecting a little more offense from Shark Boy, but Liger just out technically wrestled him. Shark Boy was probably surprised by the fact he was facing someone wearing more Lycra than him. That can't have happened to him before.Brad: You're watching Wrestling World of Wrestling: Being Disappointed With Shark Boy...All the Time!

Brad: We have proper classic now as the wrestling legend The Brooklyn Brawler takes on the young, up and coming...Andre the Giant.Omer: Andre does have a slight height, weight and girth advantage.Brad: Brawler has a lot of experience, though.Omer: Oh, yeah, he's fought everyone.Brad: He's also probably the only wrestler ever to job to Gangrel.Omer: True, although he did actually beat Triple H once. He's probably the most famous jobber in the world, to be fair.

ANDRE THE GIANT

VS

BROOKLYN BRAWLER

Andre hits a bodyscissors and lift, followed by an arm crank. Brad: What is that exactly?Omer: Well, he's...kind of...cranking on his arm, isn't he?Brad: Right. Brawler stupidly goes for a bodyslam, Andre hits a knee-lift, dropkick, and squashes him against the turnbuckle. Brawler rolls outside the ring... Brad: If the Brooklyn Brawler's known for two things, it's brawling. And being from Brooklyn.Omer: And jobbing. Brawler bodyslams Andre onto the concrete floor. Omer: Fuck. Brawler is insane. Brawler throws Andre back in. Andre locks on a bear hug. Brawler escapes and dives outside the ring. Omer: Brawler is terrified.Brad: He's playing to his strengths. He has an advantage outside the ring. Andre whips Brawler into the ring steps Omer: Brawler doesn't have much of an advantage outside the ring. Andre rolls Brawler back in the ring and goes for the pin...one...two...THREE! Omer: Brawler put up much more of a fight than we thought.Brad: Wait! What's this!?Omer: Giant Baba has come running down the aisle! He's climbing in to the ring, he holds down the Brooklyn Brawler, and Andre hits one...two...three leg drops!Brad: Brawler looks in a bad way.Omer: Well, Giant Baba was obviously here to make a statement. He took out George and Brawler. So...now Wrestling World of Wrestling has a tag-team of Andre the Giant and Giant Baba...Brad: The Giants is probably a good name for them.Omer: Well, yeah. I don't think they'll sell many t-shirts with a name like "Tall People That Are Now Dead".

Brad: It's time for the dream match of the evening, we have The Great Muta against The Undertaker.Omer: I think most of The Undertaker's mindgames and super powers won't work on Muta; he can just counter them himself. 'Taker, though, is much taller, heavier and stronger. He's just much more physically dominating than The Great Muta. The Great Muta is pretty much the devil incarnate, in Japan. And will just kick the hell out of everyone that gets in his way.Brad: Of course, the odds are slightly stacked in favour of The Undertaker as this is going to be a Casket Match. Does The Great Muta have any experience in gimmick matches?Omer: He's done a few death matches, and he's very much a brawler. He's no stranger to barbed wire matches and explosion matches. His alter ego Keiji Muto actually came up with the Muta Scale, which is a scale for judging how much a wrestler bleeds.The Great Muta is a very hardcore guy. He's completely insane. He's not afraid to throw weapons about. He's much more unpredictable than The Undertaker. Personally, I favour Muta, but Undertaker does have more experience in a Casket Match.

THE GREAT MUTA

VS

THE UNDERTAKER

[CASKET MATCH RULES]

The Great Muta challenges The Undertaker to a test of strength. Brad: The Undertaker has the height and strength advantage here. 'Taker throws Muta into the turnbuckle, Muta reverses it, and smashes Undertaker with a shoulder tackle. Muta nails a spin kick to the chest goes for a backbreaker, but Undertaker counters with a throat choop.

The Undertaker hits a series of forearms to Muta. Muta finally gathers somemomentum and throws him to the turnbuckle. The Undertaker fights back out with pounding forearms to the face of Muta. Omer: The Undertaker is just constantly nailing him...Brad: Wa-hey!Omer: ...with those forearms.Brad: You're watching Wrestling World of Wrestling: All forearms...Omer: ...All the Time! The Great Muta hits a handspring elbow, and spits the Muta Mist! Omer: Green mist into the eyes of The Undertaker! Muta hits a rolling kick follows by handspring elbow. Brad: Undertaker looks like he's in a lot of trouble! Muta drags The Undertaker over to the coffin, but the Undertaker gets a second wind and they brawl on top of the coffin...Undertaker hits a Tombstone Piledriver! Brad: Tombstone Piledriver!Omer: On top of the coffin! That's insane! Muta's neck may very well be broken! The Undertaker hits a chokeslam and tries to put Muta in the coffin, but Muta powers out. 'Taker hits the big boot, throws Muta to the turnbuckle, but Muta reverses. Brad: This is actually an awesome match...Omer: Yeah, there's a lot more back and forth than we expected. The Great Muta hits handspring elbow and follows with a backbreaker. The Great Muta tries to put 'Taker in the coffin but without success. Taker hits a chokeslam! Omer: Muta is taking some serious punishment. Second chokeslam! Omer: The Undertaker is pounding him!Brad: Wa-hey! The Undertaker and Muta brawl on top of the coffin...The Undertaker goes up top and hits the Old School onto the top of the coffin!

The two brawl all around the ring. Finally, The Undertaker hits a big boot followed by tombstone back in the ring, chokeslam, Tombstone, Tombstone, Tombstone! Omer: Three Tombstone Piledrivers in a row! The Undertaker is on fire!Brad: Not literally. Like that match with Kane.Omer: The Great Muta is pretty much unconcious. The Undertaker throws him in the casket and slams the lid shut! Omer: I have the feeling Muta isn't dead.Brad: This has been Wrestling World of Wrestling: All Shark Boy...Omer: ...All the Time!

Omer: Apart from when he loses.

Words: Brad Harmer & Omer Ibrahim

Would you like to see more of Wrestling World of Wrestling? Are there particular wrestlers, angles, tag-teams or matches you'd really like to see? Let us know, and if we like your idea (and can get the Time Gate working properly), we'll book the match!