You might remember PJ Willett from Masters Sunday when he took to Twitter to show his brotherly love by trash talking Jordan Spieth for slow play and threatening not to let Danny come home if he blew the lead. Well, turns out that was JP Willett on his best behaviour.

The brother Willett upped his game considerably with a vicious, possibly hilarious (Full disclosure: I’m Canadian) takedown of American golf fans in an article he wrote for National Club Golfer on Wednesday.

For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way. Like one of those brainless bastards from your childhood, the one that pulled down your shorts during the school’s Christmas assembly (f**k you, Paul Jennings), they only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling group of reprobates. Team Europe needs to shut those groupies up.

They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.

They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.

They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.

Team Europe need to silence these cretins quickly.

If you think this sounds nothing like the Team Europe that has won six of the past eight Ryder Cups with a secret template of careful planning, boyish camaraderie, and good mojo, captain Darren Clarke agrees.

“I spoke to Danny about it,” Clarke said during his Wednesday press conference at Hazeltine. “I showed it to Danny. And he’s bitterly disappointed in his brother’s article. It is not what Danny thinks. It is not what I think. It is not what Team Europe stands for.”

That puts that to bed, right? Well, actually, thirty seconds later Clarke was asked about it again.

“As I said there, the article is very, very disappointing and that is not reflective of Team Europe. That is not the way that we view things,” he said. “I mean, the fans could not have been nicer and better to us this week, and that is — hopefully that continues. And as I say, the article was beyond our control, and you know, Danny is bitterly disappointed himself. It’s up to Danny to speak to his brother whenever he comes in and express that. I will let him deal with it between siblings.”

Danny apologized on the Golf Channel for his brother’s comments.

Does PJ Willett regret giving the American team some bulletin board material and making his brother the natural heel for this week’s already partisan galleries? Let’s check his twitter feed to see if he’s walking this back a bit.

Unfortunately, the ones who’ll take it out on Danny will be the “pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red”.
The other 9x% will probably not feel targeted.