Lipstick Vampires

Two gorgeous gal pals with benefits – one pure of heart, the other a remorseless killer with anger issues – come back from the dead as vampires. This was in 1968 and was facilitated by God, represented as a red head chick with see-thru nightie, who come out of the sky for a little chat.

The blonde is made dead by a black sand tornado and the brunette gets to make out with the deity. It’s explained that She did Humanity laundry with a 40 day/40 night flood back in the day to cleanse the land of wrongness. Now She needs someone to roam the land, killing those deemed cruel and unclean. And that person has to wear a slinky dress, look hot and be into girls.

A deal is made to bring the blonde back from the dead (sorry – forgot to mention it), which carries a warning. Like anybody ever listens to warnings. If they did, I wouldn’t have stuck a fateful fork in that toaster all those painful minutes ago.

Both girls are reborn out of the ground and its 40 years later, which is kinda sorta now. The blonde, amped up with her newfound power, rips the necks off two guys out on a desert highway.

Finding the Murder World Mini-Mart (I’m not making that up – that’s what the store’s sign says) miles from nowhere, they need to hide from the rising sun or else burnt toast time. (That’s why I used the fork – the bread was burning, man.)

What could’ve been Life Blood’s (2009) epic showdown between the girlfriends was but a mere bitch slap, to say nothing of the diluted ending. Never send a vampire lesbian to do a psycho serial killer’s job, I always say.