Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Happy Birthday, AnnPW! I Got You New Satan-in-a-Bucket®!

Before we begin, the Management has asked me to make a couple of announcements:

1.) I apologize for being so late with this post, but my stomach has been practicing its Queasy Scales all day, ranging from the seasickness scene in Chaplin's The Immigrant, to the full Mr. Creosote.

2.) If you haven't had the chance yet, I strongly recommend scrolling down or clicking here to read this walkthrough of Frogs by Hank Parmer (Codename: Grouchmarxist). I have a feeling that from now on, in rooms where women come and go, talking of Michaelangelo and this seminal 1972 eco-horror snoozefest starring Sam Elliott and his Three Expressions (or as I like to think of them, "Facial Power Chords"), the conversation will inevitably turn to Hank's definitive essay.

In breaking news, it's the birthday of self-confessed occasional Crapper AnnPW, perhaps best known around these parts as the muse responsible for World O' Crap's tradition of posting Sexy Birthday Lizard pics. So basically, she's like Olivia Newton John's character Terpsichore in Xanadu, except you don't want to smack her in the face with a sweatsock filled with meal worms, aquarium gravel, and the fossilized ruins of Gene Kelly's dignity, and then maybe rollerskate all over her body until it's reduced to a skidmark on the floor of your flashy Disco/Roller Rink.

Anyway, I thought about doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on Ann's behalf, but then I read World Net Daily and found out that it's a tool of the Devil:

We see it in movies, in Super Bowl performances, in the Grammys: In every song or dance, symbolism is the end game. With that in mind, I investigated the phenomenon behind the ALS IBC, and I discovered the IBC to be darker rather than enlightening and quite cultic instead of a lighthearted attempt to understand a debilitating disease.
[...]

I also thought about why people would pour water over their heads...I couldn’t put my finger on why this didn’t feel right to me – then I saw this video on Facebook.

In the video, Evangelist Anita Fuentes breaks down an assortment of cryptic and cultic messages hidden in the IBC. It’s worth watching to decide for yourself if evil influences and symbolism are embedded within the IBC

The video is over 43 minutes long, and I have to confess that I didn't watch very much of it. Fortunately, Ms. Fuentes begins to paint the screen with crazy almost instantly -- and while I commend her for not burying the lede, it's a bit jarring, like a porn film starting with the Money Shot.

She begins by decoding the IBC: "So when we think about water being poured out on our head, we're, again, we're talking about a baptism. So the question I pose to you my friends, is: is America being purified, is America being cleansed, in a ritualwashing? And if they are...Why? (Dramatic pause) What is America being prepared for?'

I don't know...maybe America's got a date and wants to get a little spruced up? I really need more information before I can answer this question fully. Is it just ice water we're pouring on our heads and the heads of others, or are we also splashing on a little Bay Rum and Vitalis?

Evangelist Fuentes takes a moment to gather her thoughts, draws a deep breath, and delivers the bad news in a strong, but sorrowful voice: "The Ice Bucket Challenge seems to simulate an Illuminati, Satanic ritual."

I had no idea so many NFL players were Satanists, but I can't say it really comes as a huge surprise. I kinda suspected all that "taking a knee" on the field and thanking God in the locker room was just an effort to throw us off the track.

I always thought the color scheme for these dark, Aleister Crowley-like Sex Magick rituals would involve more black and crimson, and less neon orange.

Evangelist Fuentes pauses again to laugh bitterly at how obvious this all is, because the Ice Bucket Challenge is structured like a "pyramid scheme" and as we all know, "the pyramid is symbolic of the Luciferian agenda. The Illuminati. The New World Order. (The New World Order is prophesied in the Book of Daniel and the Book of Revelation.)" And just in case you're a little fuzzy on your Book of Daniel and/or Revelation, Evangelist Fuentes is gonna break it down for y'all: "The New World Order consists of three--three systems. One World Government. One World Religion. And the One World Monetary System."

So if you've ever wondered, as I often have, whether the paranoid soliloquies with which Alex Jones spittle-flecks his microphone would sound more convincing issuing from the lips of a nice-looking Latina, here's a good chance to test your hypothesis.

Evangelist Fuentes then takes an moment to prove that old Chinese maxim that "A weird picture is worth a thousand crazy words" by showing us this:

"As you can see there are two pictures that I have side by side. One is Jesus being baptized by John the Baptist. And another is a man that has been recently -- baptized, I will say -- in what's called the Ice...Bucket...Challenge. They look similar, do they not? (Pauses, disappointed that we're not calling out the answer from the studio audience. Primly:) Yes they do."

I guess the point is that Jim, who works in the Decorative Lighting Department at Home Depot, had a nice thought -- raise money and awareness for ALS -- but once he got Bob the Baptist involved, it was like an engraved invitation to Mephistopheles, and the next thing you know, Jim wound up crucified in the Vanity Fixtures and Sconces aisle.

But this is America, and we really don't care if regular people come to a horrible end because they showered with Satan, we're only concerned with celebrities. Well, Evangelist Fuentes has you covered. She draws a crappy diagram showing how Bill Gates built "a fort" to "make his challenge more cooler," then explains that "It looks to appear as symbolic as the-the-the Temple of Solomon," and slam-dunks her accusation with these damning photos:

Q.E.D., motherfuckers!

"Farfetched, you may ask? No."

Well, that answers my one question. And since we're still less than eight minutes into this video, I'm going to hit Pause and check back in with WND columnist Selena Owens, who I just now remembered brought this shit up in the first place:

Fuentes’ video depicts the world-renowned cultic queen of talk, Oprah Winfrey, taking the IBC. Winfrey precedes her dousing with the words, “In the name of ALS and the Ice Bucket Challenge. …”[emphasis mine] Interesting choice of words.

Winfrey’s proclamation hit a nerve with me because Christians, myself included, routinely pray and make decrees “in the name of Jesus.”

Have you ever considered that maybe Jesus doesn't want you speaking for him, let alone making decrees in his name, which I imagine could lead to all sorts of official entanglements, and might even legally obligate him to smite someone, or at least co-sign your loan.

We specify whom we worship when we invoke prayer in Jesus’ name. However, because Oprah mistakenly believes the One True God is jealous of her, and the well-known fact that she denounces Jesus as the only way to God and basically considers herself to be a god, I found this statement to be very cultic in nature.

But if Oprah considers herself to be a god, then why didn't she invoke her own name, instead of drenching herself in the name of Lou Gehrig's Disease, which I think we all agree is a disease not a god, not even one of those local animistic gods with an extremely narrow portfolio limited largely to promoting cattle fertility and atrophying Major League baseball players.

Satanic ritual? Yes. Rituals abound in “Christian” America.

"Farfetched, you may ask? No."

Whenever spectators watch singers like Beyonce, JayZ, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and especially Nicki Minaj, they are indoctrinated and involved with blatantly satanic rituals that stem from the deep abyss of the occult.

This is why, in an effort to save my immortal soul, I always go make a sandwich during halftime.

Anyway, this goes on for awhile, but to sum up:

The ALS IBC is ritualistic in nature. People are chosen to undergo a form of water baptism with cultic god Oprah leading the charge “in the name of ALS.” The Bible is clear: “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). Oprah is a god to millions of Americans, and those who follow her doctrine and antics have tossed Jesus off the throne of their hearts – perhaps not intentionally … or perhaps so. Yet by following her seemingly innocent IBC decree, knowingly or not, they have cast Jesus off symbolically.

Oh, man o man, those are some mega SEXY lizards!! I will have to do the Satanist Dunking just to cool off from that stimulating spectacle! Or it's just hot flashes because I'm, you know, old. But hey - Great birthday post to me, Scott - THANK YOU SO MUCH!

And thanks to all of you wonderful Crappers that wish me HB, I feel very undeserving since I have been such a negligent commenter here for awhile. Maybe a good dousing of Satanist waters will help me mend my ways!

And how cool is it to (almost) share my birthday with legendary Crapper Ivan - Happy Belated to you, Ivan, and to all you Virgos out there....

Imagine my surprise, when I looked into my heart this morning and discovered I'd dethroned Jesus. I assure you this was completely unintentional. It probably happened last month at the podiatrist's: I think Oprah was on the tv in the waiting room.

But now that I want to get Him back on the throne in my heart, He's nowhere to be found. I've searched everywhere -- lungs, spleen, large and small intestines, even the Islets of Langerhans -- but no Jesus. What's your advice?

Sincerely,Anxious in Akron

Seriously, though, happy natal anniversary, AnnPW!

Now I've got to go take that IBC, not only because it'll make me eligible for all that super-awesome Illuminati gear, but also to apply some needed shrinkage to this severely swelled head I've acquired after Scott's shoutout.

Here's hoping our host's stomach bug is only the 24-hour variety, and decides to knock off early.

43 minutes is a lot of sustained paranoia. Do you think she had to work up to that kind of endurance or is she holding back and even bigger flood of crazed speculation?

Helmut, Evangelist Fuentes has a whole channel with a whole lotta videos, replete with a buttload of nuts. Most of them seem to take place on a sort of faux network news set, where she (badly) reads "breaking stories" about current events, then hefts her rhetorical hammer and promptly forces them into her paranoid eschatology, like square pegs into coin slots.

So she's trained for it. I suspect 43 minutes of sustained doggerel for nothing her -- like a marathoner running a 10K.