Thursday, January 14, 2010

Things I want to say to people but haven't yet:

1. Sir, I'm afraid your pants are too tight. No honestly, I am afraid. For your life, and the life of your unborn children. I've seen wet suits roomier. Your balls have got to be packed in there tighter than hippies at a Phish concert. When, or if, you take them off, it must be like peeling an unripened orange. I bet it's got the same ending too: sore thumbs and sticky hands.

2. Sir, your breath smells as if a dog has been using your toothbrush to take its temperature for the past 6 years.

3. Sir, I've never met you before, but the way you walk makes me want to cut myself. Seriously, I need your name so that when I slit my wrists tonight, I have something to write on the bathroom mirror.