Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. For more general ethical sluttiness, responsible non-monogamy, and related non-traditional relationship styles, check out /r/NonMonogamy

Last night, in a SoloPoly blog post, I wrote about how I love "newbie night" at my local poly meetup group. It's not just a chance to expand awareness of polyamory, dispel stereotypes, and grow the poly community. It’s also a chance to influence the culture of polyamory.

In answering questions from poly newbie/curious people, it's easy to clue them in that polyamory isn't all about couples who open their existing relationship; there are also lots of poly people who don't have primary partners -- and who may not want one or aren't actively seeking one. I do this because that's not a perspective most poly newbie/curious people encounter when initially researching polyamory. But it's important for them to hear, because it clues them in that non-primary partners are just as deserving of respect and consideration in relationships.

...But that's a theme that matters a lot to me. What do YOU like to make sure poly newbie/curious people hear about? And do you think talking to newbies is a useful way to minimize the formation of bad poly relationships habits?

Don't try to protect yourself against your insecurities with rules, at least not long-term. Rules never work if they become dogmatic; they can only ever serve as guidelines for how you want to treat others. Poly should honor the freedom the involved parties actually want from it, not exchanging the shackles of monogamy with slightly more comfortable shackles to control your partner's behaviour.

"Communicate, communicate, communicate" doesn't mean that you have to talk a lot. It means first and foremost that you become good at listening.

Long term relationships are very possible. We've been together 41+ years and married as free love hippies with our third living with us.

What's good for the goose aint got shit to do with the gander.

Folks new to poly often use 'rules' and agreements on each others behavior. Don't try to make these rules the same for all parties rather make them to give all parties the best level of comfort possible.

Things like over-nights are a great example. Perhaps party A is quite comfortable with party B's occasional overnights but Party B is concerned that Party A stays overnight because <insert good or not good reason >.

Why prevent Party B's occasional forays?

On the other hand Party A is perhaps worried the Party B gets in trouble when mixed with alcohol so needs limits on Party B in that area.

The caveat I'd add to your first point is that while it may be easier to start a relationship open than to open one up, the numbers seem to suggest it's far more common for people to come to polyamory via opening up a previously monogamous relationship.

1) Communicate. You need to talk about things. You need to be open about things. You need to be honest about things. You need to communicate, communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more. And then do a little bit more communication on top. And then communicate again when things change.

Some people get the idea polyamory is all about a whole lot of sex with a whole lot of people. IME, it's mostly about a whole lot of talking with a whole lot of people. And in between, lots of sex. :)

2) Everybody's idea of what polyamory means for them is different. This is a big part of why there's so much talking. With every new partner you have to establish what the situation is. You can't make assumptions.

There is no "normal" polyamory. Closed triads are not normal. A primary couple with secondary relationships is not normal. A free-wheeling collection of friends and acquaintances with a complicated relationship diagram is not normal.