Classy in Granite City

A 20-year-old babysitter in Granite City, Illinois, has been charged with pimping after sharing in the $140 a 12-year-old girl in her care was paid for sex the babysitter arranged for the girl to have with a 48-year-old man.

Classy in Cassopolis

Eric Sarkkinen, you win the prize for not only "hitting on children" (in the sexual sense, not the beating-them-up sense) but for doing it while drinking and driving and with that amazing look on your face.

Who wants to bet Eric has a MySpace ("A Place for Child Molesters") profile?

Granted, the daughter was the one doing the dirty deed, but at some point, parents bear responsibility for the actions of their children, especially when those actions are getting the children (the daughter, I might remind you, had two miscarriages and is pregnant a third time) or other people in trouble (the two men who impregnated the daughter have been charged with sex offenses of their own). Somehow, I don't think two years on probation and $500 is a stiff enough penalty to ensure this doesn't happen again. How about sentencing her to be sterilized? (Wouldn't hurt to have the daughter fixed, either.)

Classy in Tampa

A 26-year-old mother is in jail after encouraging her nine-year-old daughter (yes, that means she had a child at the ripe old ready-to-take-parental-responsibility age of 15) to get back on the school bus and fight another student. Way to go, Shayla. Let's hope your daughter doesn't follow your example.

Classy in Shelby Township

A Macomb County, Michigan woman is in the hoosegow after police discovered she was allowing strange men to have sex with her 14-year-old daughter in their apartment. The daughter was posing as an 18-year-old on MySpace (Official Motto: "A Place for Child Molesters") and attracting all manner of classy adult men. Two of the men got the daughter pregnant -- both ended in miscarriage -- and she is now pregnant a third time. Her two latest "conquests" are also in the slammer, charged with third-degree criminal sexual conduct.

Classy in Romulus

A 33-year-old Michigan woman has been charged with, well, something related to her attempt to offer the sexual services of her seven-year-old daughter to an undercover investigator. She is being held on $1m bond and faces up to 20 years in prison. Isn't this a situation where capital punishment would be more appropriate?

Scientific Idiocy of the Populace

The University of Florida published a study recently indicating that microwaving sponges would kill common bacteria. The news media and general public, however, largely failed to note that the sponges had to be wet.

Classy in Lompoc, CA

Apparently Alfred Thomas Steven had long harboured a fantasy of having oats licked off his naked body by horses. Since no one asked the horses how they felt about licking oily oats off a big white wrinkly body with its loose skin and old balls, Mr. Steven has been cited for sexually assaulting an animal, among other things.

Classy

Introducing a new category (the name refers to a Simpsons comic book scene) here at the blog are the following two stories of people who are almost certainly Classier Than You Could Ever Hope To Be:

A single mother of a 15-year-old girl in Muskegon, Michigan, has been charged with child abuse after coming to an arrangement with her daughter to provide sexual satisfaction to the mother's boyfriend while the mother recuperated from surgery.

Meanwhile, former Ohio State (Buck the Fuckeyes!) running back-turned-NFL-draft-bust-turned-common-street-thug Maurice Clarett was arrested and Maced by police in Ohio after a prolonged police chase. Officers initially attempted to use a stun gun on Clarett, but it was ineffective due to Clarett's bulletproof vest. Inside Clarett's SUV, police found four loaded guns. Oh yeah, and he was arrested near the home of a witness scheduled to testify against him in his upcoming aggravated robbery trial.