I don't know if he wants to marry me

OK so, me and my BF have been together for 6 years and we have spoken about getting married and we have talked over our plans for the wedding like colors and venues etc and he told me to pick the ring i wanted months ago. i got myself all excited and months down the line, i bought up the subject of engagement and he said he doesnt know when he is going to propose because he doesn’t like doing anything he can’t back out of….

I’m not sure what to to think of that because he tells me all the time that we will 100% be getting married and I thought the reason we were waiting was because of finances, now im not so sure…

Seriously, that is not OK. I would be reconsidering my relationship with someone who was concerned about being able to “back out” at any time. That isn’t commitment and he clearly isn’t ready to get married..and by the way he’s talking, he may never be.

If he’s not confident about love “yet”, he should have not talked about details plans nor told you 100% getting married. Saying that and being able to “back out” is very contradictory, disrectful and showing not only he’s not committing to you but also tricking you. Truthfully, I would run.

I would think 6 year is long enough to know. As my friend put it when I was in the same position with my ex of just about 6 years… shit or get off the pot. Talk is cheap, unles theres a REAL reason to wait, school, age, (legit) money reason… especially with what he said, I’d be done.

@Andrea1032: I agree with PPs. After 6 years, he should have some idea of whether he’d want to spend his life with you or not. I wouldn’t wait around for him, I’d find someone who was confident enough to be the man that you need. Sorry. :/

You can ask us and we can all take a guess, but there’s really only one way to find out. You’ll have to ask him.

There are guys who will date you for six years and drag their feet on proposing because they’ve gotten comfy and are enjoying the benefits of marriage (sex, companionship) without having to make it legal. **Note: this happens when the female allows it and does not put her foot down!

Then there are guys who will date you for six years and not propose because “they’re just not that into you” so to speak.

Unlike PPs I don’t think it’s that big of a deal that he said “he doesn’t like doing anything he can’t back out of.” I see that as a sign that he understands the seriousness of the commitment and that it’s not something to be taken lightly.

Given that you’ve been together six years, and it’s safe to assume that he has gotten verrrry comfortable and secure in the relationship, I think he needs a good kick in the pants. I know this might sound scary, but you need to work up your courage and have a serious discussion with him. You don’t tell HIM what to do. You tell him what YOU WANT TO DO.

Here is what you say:

I love you with all of my heart and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you.

However, I’ve been thinking over what you said about “not being sure when you will propose because you don’t want to do anything you can’t back out of.”

I respect your feelings, but it is my goal in life to have a happy marriage, and after six years in this relationship I don’t feel I can wait anymore for a “maybe.”

I think it would be in MY BEST INTEREST to move out/break up with you so that I can move forward with MY LIFE and pursue my goals.

I thank you for six wonderful years and I wish you the best.

And then my dear, you pack your bags and get ready to walk out the door. If he hems and haws and says “No wait, I really am going to propose in XXX weeks or XXX months or XXX years from now,” you keep walking. You put some big space between him and you, and you don’t assume that he’s going to change his mind and make a commitment or set the date. You join clubs, go out with friends, and re-invent your life without him. You make it loud and clear that until there is a ring on your finger and a date set, everything else is just conversation.

If this guy really loves you — if you two were really meant to be — he won’t let you walk out the door. He will take you to the nearest jewelry store and get this settled — even if all he can afford is a $10 Cracker Jack ring — and you will have your answer. (And by the way if he EVER so much as suggests that you pressured him or forced him to propose to you, take that ring off your finger and hand it right back to him.)

If he lets you walk out the door without stopping you, then he never really loved you enough in the first place. And if that is the case, wouldn’t it be much better for you to be looking for a new relationship than staying in one that is a dead end?

If you two had only been together for a short period, my advice would be different. But six years, come on.

Yikes. I have agree with all of the above commenters. That is a MAJOR red flag.

I have also been dating my SO for 6 years (though without any of the wedding planning you said you’ve done) and if he said that, I would be very hurt, offended at his lack of respect and seriously reconsider our relationship. Most men enjoy a long-relationship like yours with the understanding they will eventually commit; it sounds like your SO believes he deserves to have his cake and eat it to, ie, get what he wants (a great relationship) without giving you what you want (an emotional and legal commitment of marriage). Plus, any man who truly wants to be with you forever should be happy to propose and ensure they don’t lose you.

From what you’ve told us, it sounds like he sees an engagement to you as punishment and not a blessing. I would bring it up and tell him how hurt you were by his comment – maybe he said something he didn’t mean and can better express himself. If he stands by his comment or defends it, then trust your intuition on this one. He could be a great guy and love you very much, but if he won’t give the commitment you want (and deserve!) you probably know you’ll never be fully happy.