The Runaway Pancake, A 2011 Year In Review: Continued

I am going to take over from my dear lover JP, who is having a hell of a year running errands at his desk and is also suffering a debilitating case of Donkey Lethargyitis Maximus, something that strikes many of us as we watch the tedious “lather, rinse, repeat” of Julie Albertson’s pathetic existence, and yet, never me. Paging Dr. Freud!

Anyway, when we left off, Donk had just used up every possible weapon in her arsenal to shut down RBNS, including Dadsers and “Jack McCain’s Lawyer,” because she had recently managed to obtain two jewels — a column-writing job at Tribune Media Services, and the aforementioned McCain. She desperately wanted any online recounting of her chronic vileness scrubbed clean from the Internet.

She failed when RBD rose from the ashes like a griffin a couple of weeks later.

And so to provide an even better cover story for the McCains, she attempted to become the poster girl of online bullying, disgustingly comparing herself to actual teen bullying victims who were beaten or killed based simply upon their sexuality.

This way, you see, she could suggest to her new employers and to the McCains that oh no, OF COURSE she wasn’t a notorious gold-digging self-obsessed slothful grifting fame whore. We were simply haters, hating her for no reason at all, because in fact, she was a blossoming Republican — not “very liberal” anymore but simply a sweet girl who “tries not to have political views” and loves to wash dishes with the church ladies. Can’t you see, Cindy? She’ll make a fine bride one day!!

In late January, Tribune Media Services announced that Donkey would be their new social media columnist, although the Tribune itself seemed to regard the news with as much disdain as the supposed cyber-bullies. Donkey brayed triumphantly with typical hyperbole and exaggeration. She’d be internationally syndicated, and appearing in 100+ newspapers around the world! Wow! An actual job, and a famous boyfriend! Life was looking up for a Muppet!

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYGw1upGu68′]

And when life is looking up, Donkey becomes particularly cunty and doesn’t hesitate to shank a bitch. She demanded a correction from the Chicago Tribune and got it. She wrangled several out of the New York Times for correctly describing her as a onetime sex columnist. But she saved her best for the bitch who mocked her for Tweeting WHY DO MEN STILL RAPE WOMEN after the Lara Logan incident in Egypt. When her Twitter follower pointed out correctly that Donkey only weighs in on such issues when they involve celebrities, Donkey showed her ass in the worst and most chilling way possible.

A few months later, by the way, she was playing along with Tucker Max’s rape joke about her. Yes, so very personally affected by rape, our Donks.

With the first Tribune Media Services column slated to appear in early March, her true colors emerged on the work ethic front too. Donk began soliciting publicly for a slave to basically write the column for her in addition to a host of other laughable NonSociety chores, pretty rich considering NonSociety — a COLLECTION OF HORIZONTAL-SCROLLING BLOGS, don’t forget — was already well in the throes of a slow, painful and embarrassing “no fuck you money for you!” death. Oh honey. Another unpaid intern? It is to laugh.

As the column launched, with only a handful of papers picking it up, Donkey continued her online bullying screeds. She even appeared at SXSW in a meandering, pointless whinefest that was ridiculed by many in attendance.

She wrote about the terrible scourge for her TMS column, and vowed to devote her life to wiping it out (OMG — what a great First Lady cause!!!). Even Daddy weighed in publicly, enormously embarrassing himself professionally since he failed to mention he was writing about his own daughter’s latest How To Lock Down A Man scam.

And about the man. Ohhhh boy. He was the greatest love of all, y’all. She’d NEVER felt so loved! So loved that she was sneaking into his phone and email whenever they had any face time together! And yet she blogged and Tweeted the crap out of the relationship, violating every possible privacy, as though they were passionately, desperately in love and no love had ever loved like this love loved and OMG how they loved, they loved, they really really loved. Even though any idiot could tell from this Tweet alone that Pancakes was beginning to see just how profoundly self-absorbed and stupid she is. I am sure the campaign against sugar didn’t help on that front.

Julie Albertson, Girl Guide cookie in hand, mid-Sugar Should Be Outlawed Campaign. “I was just holding it!!” she claimed.

Shockingly enough, she was soon dumped and dumped cold after they spent perhaps a grand total of two weeks together, since Donk was in Sweden for part of their precious time together on a sponsored trip that she failed to blog about as promised. Donkey being Donkey, she latched on like a barnacle and refused to leave Cindy’s condo in Coronado until Pancakes ordered her out, even buying packing materials for her. Her Tweets and blog posts were revealed to have been gross exaggerations that he later told people were aimed at improving her image, either to her “fans” or her family.

And yet when she was dumped, she carried as though her husband of 35 years walked out on her for his 22-year-old yoga instructor; strangely enough, exactly the same way she did when Prom King dumped her ass just 10 months earlier. She also made sure to leak news of this breakup — and her vacancy of the “home they shared” where she paid no rent, did no household chores and was apparently a rude, lousy house guest — to various news outlets. And, of course, she wrote a TMS column defending “ethical snooping.”

Yet somehow, SOMEHOW, haters, she survived the worst heartbreak the world has ever known and carried on!! Eternally single, her summer seemed to consist of of attending other people’s weddings while weepily posting wedding photos on her own blog, as always. I won’t get into all the weddings because they’re too boring, but Dave and Brit Morin’s in Montana was a cornucopia of Donkey Goodness. She wore this to a Western-themed wedding:

With her insanity on full display and her column getting progressively more adolescent and pointless, Donkey bested the too-tight Taylor Swift jean shorts and the hideous cowgirl outfit, faked illness, bailed on a longtime commitment to go to France with childhood friends and literally showed her ass at Burning Man:

The entire Burning Man episode, indeed, was Donkey at her most insane. There was such a barrage of DERP DERP photos, screengrabs and Donkey-isms that it’s hard to reproduce them all here. Just remember, bitches and assholes, there is no judgment in Black Rock City.

The funniest, however, is how she wrote a TMS column lauding herself for “going off the grid,” and then proceeded to post a billion half-naked photos of herself online, opening up her Facebook so that people could see them and even directing strangers to the photos via her Twitter. Such a frightened bullying victim, our donkey.

We’re not sure if this was the turning point for TMS, but by September, her craptastic column was failing to appear. But the end of October, sharp-eyed cyber-bullies noticed a news release on the TMS website revealing the company had decided not to renew her contract. It vanished about 15 seconds after it appeared on RBD. Daddy still pulls some strings!!

Why was Donkey so nervous about the truth being revealed? Because she’d just inked a deal to appear in a Bravo reality show that required her to have a job as an “advice” columnist. Which explained why she took her crap-ass column into lame Q and A territory, I guess.

Before long Donk was grifting a moving company — they’re still waiting for their blog post, apparently — and had moved to L.A. with a brand-new OMG BFF SISTER TINY AND CUTE DOG SITTER room-mate, Toilet Julia, also known as Flusher Price. Her new bestie, an aspiring bad musician, was apparently motivated by the modicum of attention she might receive as part of the reality show. She’s about the only one of Donk’s many “friends” who would sign a release to appear, something that caused Donkey to suddenly espouse feminist principles.

But it wasn’t an entirely new beginning. Old habits die hard, and Donkey wasn’t finished messing with her exes. First she ran into [REDACTED] at a Burning Man reunion, and physically accosted him. Then she brayed publicly that Pancakes McCain had called her, suggesting he might be back in her life. The truth, as always, bore no resemblance to Donkey’s version of events.

Bright side? At least Lilly is no longer being dragged through various airports to shit on the carpets of strangers while Donkey has loud sex on their couches. But other than that, it truly is another year of lather, rinse and repeat. More professional bridges burned, another relationship in ruins, another frightened ex who just wants her to go away, another tiny-and-cute BFF who will be history in a year, no lessons learned, no professional or personal prospects and an injected face that gets more fucked-up looking with every passing day. Can’t wait til the 2012 review!!

p.s. Angry, sort of sad adults: This took me AGES. I know I have missed things. But if anyone starts any comments saying: “I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T INCLUDE …” I will set the homicidal kitten on you. This bitch does something psycho once a week. If I wrote about every single thing, I’d be here til Christmas.

Here’s the thing! I sometimes forget what a total cunt she really is. I mean, it’s always in the back of my mind but sometimes all we have to comment on are her fashion atrocities and it can be easy to forget what a total sociopath she is until we have a brilliant review such as this to remind us.

Every time we fear it;s downhill – it JUST GETS BETTER. We thought things had been boring and she has been a fucking lunatic these past few weeks.

PS, Bravo, Jacy, Bravo!

One of my fav. parts, “…then proceeded to post a billion half-naked photos of herself online, opening up her Facebook so that people could see them and even directing strangers to the photos via her Twitter. Such a frightened bullying victim, our donkey.”

Yes, and she checks in everywhere on Facebook – anyone who EVER had a stalker or was in “fear” would not say, sometimes twice a night – “yoo hoo, I’m at The Ace Hotel… okay, now off the the Gansevoort.” Bitch, please.

OT but hottie mc hotterson white sox player Gordon beckham is apparently friends / business partners with the fat melmans and so help me god I will weep if she exploits this and attempts to sink her fat sausage fingers into him a la “sipping water with Jay Cutler.”

Also, Jacy you are a saint for slogging through this insanity for our enjoyment.

PS, reading the tip about her and Jay after knowing so much about a Donkey, it was so obvious she leaked it. “Julia was not drinking, she was only sipping water. ” < this repeated about five times. Jesus, we get it, Donkey.

Jacy, you are a hero (and what a fine wife you would make.) This was awesome and has reinvigorated my dormant Donk contempt to new heights. (I had completely forgotten that video where she pontificated about the whole Egypt OMG TWITTER PHENOMENON thing. And that horrible dress riding up her horrible crossed thighs.) This post was the psychological equivalent of the previous hideous Fashion Week outfits post — she is indeed as ugly on the inside.

Me, too! The whole Valentine’s Day sadness made me wish I could say to her, “Oh, honey, please stop. There is no way that there is a person in the world who isn’t laughing at you right now” (seriously I bet even PettiFogger and Momser were all “Get a load of what she’s wearing now! Hahahaha! Be a dear and refill my drink”) then I remembered that she’s a huge asshole who deserves all the mocking she gets.

And, Jacy, of course there is no way you can capture an entire years worth of mess, not with the force of this one. It is strong. That’s why you should rely on us to fill in the blanks. You have collective of “our memories”, too, so crowd source that shit. Not from me though. I have the memory of a goldfish. But from Afghani, maybe.

OT – Just looked at Huff-Post, no new* column by Julia Allison since the last one published on the 8th. I guess the 50* plus pieces she plans on publishing* are still in the queue.

1* – Not new, just copied and pasted without even re-reading them from TMS
2* – 50 might be more like less than 30.
3* – Publishing is more like giving away the stuff you wrote almost 6 months ago for free to appear like you are a real columnist.

We were watching pretty carefully and I don’t recall her missing any weeks except toward the end. So one a week for seven months, give or take a couple she missed. Most of them were entirely unforgettable, just phoned-in tripe and/or PR for friends, so we may not have posted on every one of them, but we were watching pretty closely.

Yeah I would think 15 at the most. She was just farting around at TMS, pretending to be a writer, having no intention of putting any real work in to it. Fortunately, it didn’t take TMS long to figure out what so many others already know…that Julia Allison is a fraud.

Just when I was getting bored of JAB she put in the best year ever for donkey watching, and Jacey and JP covered it brilliantly. For someone reason the small things always stick out most to me. Like stealing young McCain’s belt and posting photos of wearing it after he kicked her out. L.I.U. !!!

It’s pitiful the way Donkey still tries so hard to make the color pink a big part of her identity. She tweeted the other day that she was looking forward to sleeping in her “very pink bed.” It’s PINK, VERY PINK, so obviously she’s tiny and cute!

That her face changed SO drastically from the cookie photo to the Taylor Swift embarrassment should warn any person away from injectable abuse. Her body grew thinner, but her cheeks grew bigger, shinier… hungrier.

Did I see that on this post??! I thought it was linked…not I can’t find it. It was a talk she gave…the Learning Annex? Anyway.

I’ll never get over the burning man ass shot. Never. Her deflated ass and chunky thighs. God her ass/thighs don’t even match – her whole body is just a series of mismatched parts. She deliberately turned around to pose so we could all see her ass. Ponder that.

I can’t believe that Julia Allison “(Photo taken by me!)” Baugher posted her ass shot when it’s one of the most hideous asses to ever see the light of day. WHO DOES THAT?
[img]http://i40.tinypic.com/pm3vk.png[/img]

In that fauxto of Julia Allison Baugher’s nasty-ass filthy, grimy fake YSL’s in the aisle / isle / i’ll (Hai, MareMare!), if you look close, it looks like she even has a biggo cellulite dimple on the side of her freaking calf (implant) …

To me, Megatits is the big mystery. After all the shit Donkey pulled, all the lying and calling the McCain’s condo the home she and Jack shared, and refusing to leave even when it was way past time to do so, WHY does Megatits still gush over her on Twitter from time to time? It is to shower vom. I would think Mega would want to put as much distance as possible between her family and the overly-aggressive, deranged Julia Allison.

Heh. I suggested way back when that Megatits must hate FlapJack, if she intentionally made the introductions, & then when Megatits twatted that she approved of the *ahem* ‘relationship’, that only strengthened my suspicion that she’s trying to get him written out of the will.

Or else it’s a clever strategy from a media-savvy family to defuse the Donkey — that’s another strong possibility, and something that was suggested to me by someone close to the family. If all this idiot needs to be mollified is some mushy Tweet that not many people will read since Donkey is a nobody, maybe it’s a small price to pay. God knows the kind of rifling she likely did through the Coronado condo when Jack was at work, right?

See, I’ve always suspected that Julia was using legalese when she said Meghan introduced them. Obviously she introduced them — they were both at her birthday party. Julia surely hovered around Mega’s ass like a mosquito all night, and since she and Jack didn’t know each other, they would have to be introduced through Mega.

As for the “I approve of the relationship,” that does sound sort of humorously backhanded, if Mega hates her brother. However, I also think that we have little evidence that Julia and Mega ever spent any quality time together other than a lunch meeting here or there, and we have plenty of evidence that Julia is not only a complete sycophant, but also happy to badger the fuck out of someone to get what she wants.

Like, “PLEASE confirm that you INTRODUCED us and that you love me and approve! Thanks bunny!”
“Hey Megs, sweetie, still waiting for you to tweet! Love and miss you!!!”
“Megs! Hey! Now would be a great time, for the sake of your family name, to make it clear that this relationship is NOT a fraud. Love you!!!”
“Megs, TWEET THE FUCKING CONFIRMATION YOU SHITHEAD!!! LOLZ! Love you honey bunny!!!”

“If the idea of strangers reading your Twitter updates makes you feel a little weird, try protecting your Tweets at first. You can always change your mind later! When you protect your Tweets, the following restrictions are put in place:

People will have to request to follow you and each follow request will need approval
Your Tweets will only be visible to users you’ve approved, meaning that other users will not be able to retweet your Tweets
Protected Tweets will not appear in Twitter search
@replies you send to people who aren’t following you will not be seen by those users (because you have not given them permission to see your Tweets)
You cannot share permanent links to your Tweets with anyone other than your approved followers
Please note: t.co links, even those shared via DM, are neither private nor public. Anyone with the link will be able to view the content.

And as far as I’ve seen, this guy’s account has always been public ever since he first tweeted @ julia. I have it bookmarked and I check it probably once a week, just like I check to see what some of Julia’s other grifting victims tweet @ her.

I’m LOL-ing about this… I wonder if a) he reads here or b) JuLiar emailed him to tell him to lock his account down bc of haterzzz?

one of my favorite parts of the year (and of course, there were SO.MANY.GOOD. PARTS) was when she brayed about having SO.MANY.WEDDINGS. to go to WITH JACK, and how will they schedule all of it?! and then…she attended all those weddings FOREVER ALONE!

“Jack & I are having trouble keeping track of our weddings/events/travel schedule, but don’t want to use Google calendar. Suggestions?”

another fave is the girl scout cookie fiasco parts 1 and 2 (part one where she posed with the cookie (above in the post) and tweeted about her favorite cookie, and part two where she threw cindy’s GS cookies in the trash so she “wouldn’t be tempted”).

The cookie incident represents the way Julia lives her entire life. She does whatever she damn well pleases no matter how many toes she steps on, how many people she pisses off, or how many rules (both written and unwritten) she breaks. I know that blaming her parents is frowned upon by some, but they must have done a thing or two wrong to have turned out such an all-around nasty entitled brat.

LOL. FC, that is a good one. “HI! THis is totally a tweet about shit I can easily google and not a humblebrag about how important my life is with my boyfriend Jack McCain. Can someone help find a calendar or something?”

OT: I’m giving up RBD and Facebook for Presbyterian Quasi-Lent (which exists only in the mind of its inventor, much like JA’s fame). When I planned this, I didn’t factor in missing the Bi-Polar Burro Crash. You catsluts better be on the ball so I have something awesome to catch up on when I reset my bookmarks.

Jacy, this is hilarious. I can’t believe you finished the whole thing!

There is something QUITE ridiculous about this cunt threatening to get people fired, calling their workplaces, posing as “Jack McCain’s lawyer” to bully people who have nothing to do with this blog … and then going on the anti-cyber bullying campaign trail. How on earth do some of her less odious friends justify maintaining their ties to her? I always wonder about that, and since I know many of them read here, I’d love to hear any rationalizations they may have come up with. Better the devil you know?

LOLing at her turning a dinner last week into her “BEST BIRTHDAY DINNER EVER” – even though it was a group and had nothing to do with her. Looks like she did the same on Valentine’s Day. What a fucking lunatic.

“THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER” almost had me feeling sorry for her, and that has never happened. I am always wondering if she actually believes all of her bullshit (which would mean she’s literally mentally ill) or she knows it’s bullshit and just wants everyone else to believe it. Either way, she’s in need of professional help. Unfortunately, her idea of ‘professional help’ is going to the ashram and taking pictures of the sky or prancing around Burning Man flashing her ass.

I think “THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!!” is a cover b/c she knows she has no real friends and she knows a Birthday Ball ain’t happening. Now that Randi is out of the picture, none of those users are going to show up for just a Donkey.

Hee Haw! So she wants to pretend a random dinner party with 5 kinds of chocolate bars is the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!! Take that, Haters!

Julia Allison Baugher is the least self-sufficient asshat ever — anyone else would go to the twitter profile of @AthletesatNSN, click their website link, then from the website click the CHARITIES TAB & go from there, but no, “PEOPLE HELPING PEOPLE” is completely lost on on a self-serving donkey when it comes to Page One &/or Page Two of options to serve &/or donate …

She won’t donate a damn thing, not only because she’s cheap but because she’s too flighty to follow through on anything. She’s already moved on to something else, like posting more pictures of herself on facebook.

She doesn’t really want to donate. She wants to get attention for appearing to want to donate. It’s like when she crowd sources for shit just to get attention for it, when anyone else would google like a normal person.

I truly believe that Donkey thinks that by tweeting about charities and exposing them to all her Twitter followers, she’s done her bit for them.
“I called attention to them on Twitter and all my AFF’s know about them now, what more do they want? Free publicity from a star like me is gold for them. They should be grateful I took the time out of my husband hunt and mentioned them at all”

Exactly. This person thought faking up Q&As about such important topics as choosing a wedding tweeter and icky cell reception at concerts was all it took to keep a grown ass job as a TMS columnist. She is stupid, lazy, entitled, and insane, and in Booger World (population 1) that plus breathing is all that is required of her.

Haha! That GM commercial just came on with the “We Are Young” song, and I asked brah, “Know who helped make this commercial?”
Him: “Ahhggh. Is that why?”
Me: “You know?”
Him: “Well, I heard you listening to that video where SHE was going on about it the other day… so, she must be trying to bang some guy who made it?”

brah doesn’t even read here and he knows her ridiculously transparent logic!

She just linked an article in the New York Observer re: things overheard at NYFW

“Oh my god, I just had the worst interview with Kristin Cavallari,” moaned NBC Fashion Week correspondent Julia Allison.
“I didn’t know she was pregnant, and when she told me, I just started laughing.”

What a cunt. What is that a dig at Kristin Cav? Because a Donkey is yet again a “wife fluffer?” Oh, Donkey… don’t worry no one is ever going to see these interviews anyway.

“He was sitting in a banquette and she was standing between his thighs, touching them and facing him. They were all over each other. It was kind of gross. He was drinking beer all night but she stuck to water.”

Donkey touched Jay Cutler’s thighs so he qualifies as one of her exes!

E-mail: Yeah, hi. Listen, just keep the Randi stuff quiet, would you? Obviously she would LOVE to do another bicoastal birthday bash but she doesn’t want to be away from her little bunny right now, so we’re not doing it this year. But OF COURSE we will do it again next year. But shhhhhh …. I don’t want anyone to think she isn’t still one of my closest, dearest darlingest friends … she’s like a sister to me!!!

Gotta take a quick “errands-at-desk” break to add to the catlady chorus congratulating and thanking Jacy for this fabulous post. I truly find it hard to get my head around the fact that this all happened in just one year. And I do remember at the end of last year lots of us though that nothing could surpass 2010 in terms of lulzs. And yet…wow!

I have had a *really* difficult year, professionally and personally, and this sight/cite/site has been a godsend and a comfort to me every single day. Jacy and JP, you have created and nurtured an extraordinary community. Sorry I can’t think of anything funny to say. Just feeling soppy. Lots of love and thanks from overseas xxx

If it helps, Fameless, you’re not alone in the crappy year department. Things will get better! In the meantime, we can all make each other laugh as we comment on the brilliant posts from our fearless leaders.

Thanks, Jacy, JP, Professor F, Cuntbunnies, and everybody who makes this place so awesomeballz!!!

I also wanted to take a minute to thank Jacy and JP for running this basement — I ruv it so much, and even though I don’t get to comment as much as I used to (travel! desk errands!) do know that I read and your efforts on a daily basis are heroic!

She probably didn’t read the fucking ticket that came in the mail. Yes, you can almost always pay online, and also you can usually pay by phone. You almost never actually need to appear. Additionally, if you haven’t had a ticket in years they will let you take a ‘driving class’ to get the point taken off your record, but I doubt that applies to her.

I haven’t had a ticket in many years, but last time I did get one it came with an envelope to mail back a check if I wanted. But, mst times it’s best to show up for court because in most of the places I’ve lived if you show up, and the cop doesn’t, it gets dismissed.

And really, what the fuck else does she have to do these days anyway? She has no job and not much else going on. More fucking special princess laziness.

Awhile ago my son sent me a crazy cat GIF, with the caveat “this doesn’t give you license to flood my inbox with funny cat pictures, though,” which of course I have specifically made it my life’s work to do. You, and your insane kitteh archive, have have saved me untold hours, CDB.