Sunday, 31 July 2016

If
we’re honest, Toby has had better weeks. On Wednesday, Eddie informs Rex
that it appears that the hens weren’t shut away the previous
night and are roaming free. Even worse, there is a gap in the netting fence and
a fox has got in and wreaked bloody havoc among the hens. Rex is incensed, as
it was Toby’s turn to see to the hens last night and he didn’t come
home. Rex blames it all on his brother being so loved up with his new woman -
perhaps it’s a blessing that Rex doesn’t know that the new woman
is Pip, or we could have a Cain and Abel re-enactment on the cards.

Eddie
helps Rex round up the hens in the field and shows him the best way to put
severely-injured birds out of their misery. The final count is 50 hens dead or
missing. Josh responds to Rex’s call and, if Rex was
angry, then Josh is positively incandescent. When Toby does turn up, his
apologies are waved aside and both Rex and Josh have a real go at him, with
Josh pointing out that it’s not just the dead birds,
but the surviving ones will have had their laying patterns disturbed from
shock. The only thing to do is to contact customers and try to negotiate a
reduction in their orders.

Toby
has an idea - source more point of lay birds, perhaps from Josh’s free range
hens. Josh would want full market price and, asks Rex, where is the money
coming from? Toby says that he will pay - he’ll source a personal
loan, to which Rex replies that running Upper Class Eggs is a struggle anyway
and “maybe Josh and I would be better off going it alone.”

We hear nothing more until Friday, when the three
partners meet to assess the damage to UCE. Rex has been ringing round customers
to suggest an immediate reduction of 20% in orders. Two customers have
cancelled; something which Toby describes as “an overreaction”. He insists
that, in three or four weeks, UCE will be back to normal and he has sourced the
money to buy the new hens (he negotiated a personal loan from his father). He
also says that the drone video is getting lots of hits and why can’t the
customers who have cancelled give them a break?

This is too much for Josh, who snaps back “Why
should they? We’ve only been dealing with them for five minutes; you can’t
expect loyalty this soon.” Toby still proffers grovelling apologies, saying
it’s totally his fault and he couldn’t feel worse about it. Actually, he could
- and does - when Rex tells them that the worst-case scenario is losing 50% of
the business. Josh isn’t best pleased by this news and says “This isn’t
personal Toby; you’re a good laugh, but as a business partner, you’re an utter
disaster.” Josh then goes on to say that he thinks he and Rex could pull UCE
around by themselves. Toby says “It’s up to you guys to decide.” Rex says that,
two days ago, he would have cut Toby out immediately, but now he thinks Toby
could do a job for them - he’s better at the people side. Especially if the
people are female, presumably.

Toby begs for one more chance, saying “this has
been a massive wake-up call. Give me another chance and I swear I’ll put this
right. 200% effort” (I assume he wasn’t a very good banker, figures-wise). Rex
admits to having “massive misgivings” but what does Josh think? “One more
chance” says Josh, hence the title of this week’s blog. Relieved and grateful,
Toby tells them that they won’t regret it. All I can say is that this will be a
conversion akin to that of St. Paul’s if Toby does change and I wouldn’t bet
money on it happening, especially if he gets the scent of a woman.
Incidentally, before the fox got to the hens, we learn that Josh hasn’t got a
very high opinion of Toby. Josh was talking to Johnny about women, saying: “You
like brunettes, I’m into long, blonde hair and Toby goes for anything with a
pulse and no judgement.”

Josh and Johnny were waiting by the combine for
Adam to do some grain hauling work. Adam is late and the boys are bored, so
Josh turns on the combine’s engine, just as Johnny warns that Adam has arrived.
Josh quickly turns it off, asking nervously “Do you think he noticed?” Let’s think
- the combine is extremely powerful and has a large engine - of course he’ll
bloody notice! Indeed he does and, as he tells Ian later, he gave the boys a
right rollocking.

Adam is keen to persuade Tom to pursue the
Nuffield scholarship so that he can research the market for organic baby food
in other countries. Tom has a look at the application forms, but feels he is
too busy on the farm. Nevertheless, he mentions the form to Pat and Tony. Pat
says it sounds like a good idea, but… “Now isn’t the right time” Tom finishes
for her. Pat agrees, but Tony isn’t so sure “Yes, we’re stretched, but why
should Tom have to sacrifice his dreams?” he asks. Tom thinks that it could be
positive for Helen - “It might be the perfect way for her to find herself
again.” Not only that, but if it were to take off, it could provide a future
for Johnny, Henry and even Jack: “Helen and I would be creating something for
their futures - like you and Dad did for us.” Pat relents and gives her son her
blessing to apply.

Meanwhile, Anna has been trying to find people
who would be willing to speak as character witnesses on Helen’s behalf. First
up is Ian and Anna tells him that Helen described him as “a very good friend.”
Ian replied “We were, until Rob came into the equation” and he tells Anna about
how he and Helen had a massive falling out, engineered by Rob. Ian seems
genuinely touched that Helen said nice things about him and tells Anna “I’ll do
it. Whatever. Whenever. Certain.” And he asks Anna to send Helen his love. She
suggests that he does it himself, by sending her a letter. “Will she want to
hear from me?” he asks “I’m sure she’d love to, Ian” Anna replies.

Anna next tackles Neil to be a character witness
and he is initially reluctant, saying that they had never been that close. Anna
counters that that is ideal - he will be a more objective witness, plus he is
Chair of the Parish Council, which cannot hurt. Neil agrees and Anna thanks him
and leaves, just as Susan returns. Susan asks what was Anna doing there and,
when Neil tells her what he has agreed to, she is horrified, saying: “There’s a
hero walking round the village with terrible injuries and she’s the woman
responsible.” Neil protests that he just wants to be fair to Helen, but Susan
is in full cry and tells him “You’ll turn Rob against us, not to mention the
cricket team and half the village.” She also reminds him that, as village
postmistress, she has to get on with everybody and that Neil is making a big
mistake “And it won’t be long before you wished you’d listened to me.” I can’t
believe that’s ever likely to be the case, personally.

And now we have this week’s ‘can we have that in
writing, please?’ moment. The organisation of the Fete is running into problems
- the ‘whack the mole’ man has moved to no-one knows where and there are
problems with the parking. Even worse, the ‘dunk the vicar’ mechanism has a
piece missing. Later on we learn that ‘whack a mole’ will be replaced by ‘splat
a rat’, or ‘club a seal’, or similar, but Fallon is floundering. So she bites the
bullet and goes to see Lynda, admitting that there are some problems.
“Problems? Oh dear, what could possibly have gone wrong?” asks Lynda,
positively exuding smugness from every pore.

To be fair, Lynda does help with addresses and
Fallon asks her if she could help with the parking or the Jean Harvey problem,
but Lynda says that she doesn’t have the time. Lynda says Fallon did her a big
favour by pointing out her shortcomings and Lynda has decided to drop out of
everything. “No more fetes, bazaars, maypole dances or Christmas shows for me”
Lynda says, adding that it has been “a wonderful liberation for me.” And this
is what I want to get in writing and signed, as I cannot believe that Lynda
can, and will, give it all up. Lynda’s been doing this for 30 years and she
tells Fallon that now it’s time for her and her friends to pick up the baton,
adding smugly: “From what I’ve heard, the Fete is going to be an absolute
triumph.” Only a couple of days earlier, Lynda had told Robert: “It’s no longer
my role to care but, from an outsider’s point of view, you might be forgiven
for thinking that rank inexperience is steering this year’s Fete towards
disaster.“ Fallon is distraught at what she has done and wails “if you drop out
of everything, life in Ambridge won’t be the same“, which is what we are all
hoping, of course.

Over at the Stables, Caroline and Shula have been
out riding and there is talk of Dan and Dorothy’s forthcoming holiday in
Croatia - we learned on Sunday that Dorothy is a bit of an action girl, who enjoys
rock climbing and she and Dan will be white water rafting when on holiday.
There is talk too of Alistair’s on-going attempt to move his business back to
the Stables. However, Caroline notices that Shula appears distracted and she
asks her friend what’s wrong?

In the tack room, Shula reveals that she has been
thinking of when Rob attacked the hunt saboteur and how she subsequently lied
to the police about it. Rob was so self-righteous afterwards and Shula saw a
side of Rob that nobody else had - could she have somehow stopped the train of
events that has led to Helen facing trial? Caroline assures her that she could
not possibly have foreseen what would happen and their conversation is
interrupted when Fallon comes in, looking for another errant piece of Fete
machinery.

And now to ElfWorld; the Grundy’s latest
money-making scheme. Or, then again, perhaps not, as the contribution bucket
yielded 98p and a broken hair slide when they last looked. Never mind; Joe has
an idea which will turn Bartleby into ElfWorld’s premier attraction - fit him
with a pair of wings and introduce him as the magical, flying and talking horse
of the fairy kingdom (an idea Joe nicked from one of Keira’s DVDs). Great idea,
except that Bartleby isn’t having any of it and throws the wings off three
times, before trampling them underfoot. He also manages to kick the head off
the plaster statue of a wizard, which Eddie describes as “one of our best
attractions”, which gives you a clue as to why they only took 98p. I don’t
think that the Harry Potter Experience or Disneyworld need to start panicking
just yet.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

When
it comes to getting job offers, you have to hand it to Alice - past experience
has taught us that, by the time she has got home from the interview, the job
offer is on her doormat. It was a bit more difficult for the latest job,
insofar as she had to endure a second interview before being offered the
position.

But
this wasn’t enough for young Alice, who demonstrated considerable nerve when
she contacted the company to tell them that she would deign to take the job,
but a) the salary is too low and b) the holiday entitlement was laughable, so
would they mind going back and having a rethink? Jennifer is all of a twitter,
wondering if Alice has done the right thing - would the company tell her to
take a hike and offer the job to the runner-up candidate?

I
know that, if I tried such a tactic, the ‘sod off’ e-mail would be in my Inbox
within seconds, but we are talking about Alice here and she not only secured
eight extra days of holiday, but a salary 20% higher than the original offer. I
have said it before - this girl must be very, very good. I suspect that, when
she goes for her next job (presumably President of the USA, or UN Secretary
General), she will march into the interview room, put her feet on the desk,
glance at her watch and say “OK gentlemen - I can give you 15 minutes; tell me
why I should come and work for you.”

Compare
and contrast this, as they used to say on exam papers, with the attitude to
Kate towards her hippy, alternative therapy set-up, which seems to have
suddenly morphed into a ‘glamping’ experience. Having driven her mum mad when
shopping for furnishings last week, Kate decides that her purchases are not
good enough for her guests, so she raids Home Farm for a better class of
furnishings for the yurt. These include Jennifer’s best china tea service and
silver cutlery, a full-length mirror from the dressing room and Jennifer’s
priceless Persian rug - all things, as Brian sarcastically remarks, that
Mongolian horsemen presumably regarded as indispensable in their yurts. He is
also worried, as all this is for one yurt and Kate has two others to furnish.
And it gets worse, as, when Brian suggests that he and Jennifer have lunch on
the terrace, they find that the garden furniture has also been appropriated. We
learn later that the glamping guests were deeply impressed, and so they damn
well should have been, after all that faffing around.

Let’s
leave the Aldridges and turn now to a lady who has zoomed to the top of my
‘favourite Ambridge person’ chart - ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fallon
Rogers! Before we find out what she has done to earn this accolade, we must
mention the advice that she and PCB give to Rex Fairbrother, concerning his
love life. PCB tells Rex that, when he and Fallon first met, she wasn’t
interested and it took ‘considerable persistence’ to get her to go out with
him. Fallon backs him up, telling Rex that, when she first met PCB “I thought
he was an arrogant prat. Now I realise that he’s a sweet, caring, adorable prat
and people will do what he asks them to.” Praise indeed!

But
why has Fallon gone up in my estimation? She, Kenton and Susan managed to
outvote Lynda over the Village Fete and incorporate some Rio- and
Olympics-related elements into more traditional offerings such as ‘whack the
mole’, Morris dancing, White Elephant and ’dunk the vicar.’ At the Fete
Committee (FC) meeting, it becomes evident that the Rio theme has gone much
further than Lynda anticipated and that Kenton has booked a Samba band. Lynda
protests that this has not been discussed by the FC and Fallon, who has
privately described Lynda’s ideas as boring, says that it will make a nice
change from Morris dancing.

Scandalised,
Lynda says that surely they are not suggesting cancelling the Morris Men? Too
right, Fallon answers and, when Lynda embarks on her ’upholding traditional
country practices’ speech, Fallon asks “why not do something different for a
change?” With a sniff that must have measured around five on the Richter Scale,
Lynda says that she has never denied people choice. However, Fallon is going
for the jugular now and interrupts with “as long as they choose what you want.”
Stunned, Lynda makes a speech about how she has served this committee, and
others, for over 30 years: “Fete after fete, Christmas show after Christmas
show [too bloody right!], which I have undertaken in a spirit of selfless
dedication. If the younger generation has decided that my time is past and this
is the moment to stage a coup, far be it for me to stand in their way.”

Come
on Lynda, lighten up - we’re talking about the Village Fete here, not Turkey.
But La Snell isn’t finished yet and, rising from her chair, she rants “I’m not
going to sit around and watch while traditions are trampled into the ground in
the name of brash innovation.” Turning to Jill, Lynda says “Be warned Jill -
this week the Village Fete, next week the Flower and Produce Show!” and on this
dramatic note, she flounces out of the room. “Oh dear!” says Jill, while Kenton
mutters “Oh Fallon, what have you done?”

My
answer to Kenton’s question would be “an immense favour to Ambridge residents
and five million listeners”, but I have no doubt that Lynda will regain her
megalomaniacal tendencies (or ‘selfless dedication’ as she terms it) in time
for Christmas. I hope not, but like death and taxes, I fear it is inevitable. I
suppose that, if Fallon wanted to make things up with Lynda, she could always
claim that she misheard her, saying “I’m sorry Lynda, but I thought you were
behind the Rio idea - when you talked about ‘whack a mole’ I thought you said
‘guacamole’.” OK, I know guacamole is Mexican, but it’s close enough.

Away
from the FC drama, what else has been happening? Lilian and Peggy went to see
Helen, prompting many in the village to ask them on their return “How’s Helen?”
“Still banged up in chokey” is the answer to that and, at the end of the week,
we had Anna trying to get Helen to agree to tell the Helpline that she rang to
confirm that she called them. Helen says that she has already told Anna that
she rang, but Anna points out that the Helpline can only confirm it if Helen
gives her express permission for it and, for reasons that I didn’t fully
understand, she’s reluctant to do so. Helen, love, you have already said how
boring the institution is - if you don’t get some sort of defence sorted,
you’ll be put away for years, with no Jack or Henry to comfort you, so get it
together. To be fair, she is remembering the odd incident, but it’s slow going
for Anna.

Back
in Ambridge, Pat has hopes that, now Ursula is gone, maybe Rob will let them
have the odd extra day with Henry. Fat chance! Never mind, she and Tony can
take Henry on a week’s holiday and she has found a nice place in Tenerife.
“You’re not taking my son to Tenerife - do you think I was born yesterday?” and
he flatly refuses to allow them to take Henry out of the country, talking about
recent cases of child abduction. I don’t know about born yesterday, Rob but it
could be a case of ‘dead tomorrow’ if you keep crossing Pat. As a furious Pat
tells Jennifer later: “That man is playing games with us - and he’s clearly
enjoying it!”

It
was the naughty step for David, midweek - he had taken an extra cut of silage
and, when Pip checked out the grazing paddocks with the plate meter, the
instrument shows that the grazing is insufficient and the cows will have to be
fed supplements, thus incurring extra costs. Pip discusses this with Rooooth,
who tells her that that explains why milk yields are down and she’ll have a
word with David.

When
confronted with the facts, David admits that, when he cut the silage, he didn’t
use the plate meter and judged it by eye. Oh dear! Rooooth says he will have to
confess to Pip and will probably be subjected to physical violence. Not quite,
but there is lots of biting sarcasm and the phrase ‘my idiot father’ was
bandied around. As Pip goes off “to feed these poor, starving cows”, David says
quietly to Rex “Well, that’s put me in my place.” Rex’s reaction? “She can be a
bit fierce when she puts her mind to it, can’t she?”

Pip’s
fling with Toby is continuing and she makes it plain that it’s just sex and
throws Toby out of her bed when he is settled down for a post-coital nap. This
is about 2am and Toby notices a light on in Brookfield. We learn later on that
it was Jill, who couldn’t sleep and, as she tells Peggy, she saw Toby slinking
away. Jill has no time for the Fairbrothers (“He’s just like his father”) but
Peggy tells her not to go interfering - “just be there when it all goes wrong.”
Actually, I wonder whether Toby, who tells Rex that he is indeed seeing a
woman, but “Sex for me is a necessity and that’s all it is with this woman - it
will burn itself out”, isn’t becoming a tad smitten. As Rex says that
everyone’s telling him not to give up on pursuing the girl he fancies, Toby
suggests that perhaps it is time he called it a day, which surprises Rex, as it
was Toby who has been egging him on.

Emma
confessed to Clarrie that, while she has no problems in moving back in with her
mum and dad, Ed isn’t so keen. She describes her husband as ‘a bit of a slob’
and her mother as ‘a bit houseproud’ adding: “She never forgave Ed for being
sick all over her sofa.” Yup, that’s what I call really houseproud.

Caroline
is out riding with Shula and she tells her that she and Oliver have had an
offer for Grange Farm, close to the asking price. Will she be sad to leave? Not
a bit of it: “When I came back from Italy and saw the mess the place was in, I
thought ‘I don’t want to live here any more - it isn’t my home’ “ Caroline
reveals that, if it were up to her, she’d accept the offer like a shot, but
Oliver is dragging his feet. The reason is that the prospective purchaser is a
developer, who wants to divide it into holiday flats and “Oliver hates the idea
- he knows it would break Joe Grundy’s heart.” Get a grip, Oliver - do you want
to sell the damn place or don’t you? Repeat after me: ‘It doesn’t matter a toss
what (or, indeed, if) Joe Grundy thinks’ and keep repeating it until it sinks
in, or Joe kicks the bucket.

Finally,
a change of sporting fortunes; Sunday was PCB’s first match as cricket captain
and he could only raise a team of 10 men, who were all out for 91 against
Loxley Barrett. Despondency ruled OK, but Ambridge redeemed themselves by
dismissing their opponents for 88, thanks in no small part to two brilliant
catches by PCB. Actually, I can’t understand why he is having trouble raising a
team - the man is a policeman, after all and it only takes a few phone calls
along the lines of “would you like to be in the cricket team this Sunday - or
would you rather have a speeding ticket?” People will be falling over
themselves to play.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Last
week we were re-introduced to Bruce, Ursula’s husband and it was definitely a
case of ‘not nice to see you - to see you not nice!’ Bruce rang on Sunday,
telling Ursula that he would be at Blossom Hill Cottage the following day. This
throws Ursula into a bit of a flat spin and, the following day, she is making a
second treacle tart, as the lattice on the first one wasn’t quite to her
satisfaction and she wants it perfect for Bruce.

We
infer from this that Bruce might be a bit of a difficult customer and we are
quite right. Ursula is agonising about what to cook - she wants toad in the
hole, but Rob says that’s for the autumn and she should serve up salad and
yesterday’s leftover cold meat, which she does. Bruce arrives and immediately
begins moaning because he was held up behind some giant drill. After lunch, he
and Ursula go for a walk and he has indigestion, which he blames on her “rabbit
food”. Ursula says that she has got food in the freezer which he can take back
with him, but Bruce has other ideas - he has had months of living on microwaved
meals and he’s sick to death of it all. The house is a tip (can’t he operate a
vacuum?) and, when Ursula asks about Miles and Belinda, he tells her sharply that
it’s not their job to look after him, it’s Ursula’s. As such, he’s taking her
back with him.

Ursula
is distraught and says that Rob still needs her and he’d never be able to look
after Henry on his own, so why doesn’t she go home and come back for the
holidays? “Ridiculous!” snorts Bruce. He eventually relents to letting Ursula
stay till the end of the week and, back at Blossom Hill Cottage, he announces
that he is returning home. But doesn’t he want to see Henry? Bruce replies that
he doesn’t want to go and see “some snotty-nosed kid.” “But you’ve never even
met Henry” Rob protests and Bruce demonstrates the depth of his grandfatherly
feelings when he says “I can live with that.” In case you thought that Bruce
was just disguising his affection behind a bluff, gruff façade, he spells out
his feelings, calling Henry “a freak of nature conceived in a test tube with a
stranger’s sperm.”

He
doesn’t want to get involved with Henry and says that he will return “to get my
grandson - your true son - back where he should be; with you. And that crazy
harpy who put him there and put you in hospital will be kept behind bars for
years to come.” However, there is a touching farewell - oh, do come on; you
didn’t really believe that, did you? What Bruce actually says is “I won’t say
it’s been no trouble, because it has been.” What a charmer! Let’s just hope
that he doesn’t crash into a tractor or any other very solid piece of
agricultural machinery on the way home to Hampshire.

Fast
forward to the end of the week and Ursula sobs as she packs to leave - she had
brought baby clothes and Rob’s own baby blanket for young Gideon (as they think
of Jack) and Rob wonders if Jack will have outgrown the former by the time he
gets to hold his son. Demonstrating a breathtaking level of self-delusion, he
says “It’s all wrong. I only wanted to help. All I ever did was to try to give
Helen some stability in her chaotic life - she wanted it; she needed it.”
Ursula is far from convinced that Rob is up to looking after a boisterous
five-year old and, if he has the slightest trouble, he’s to call her and she’ll
come straight back “no matter what your father says.” Yeah, right. She also
tells Rob not to let Henry run rings round him and “like all young boys, he
needs a firm hand.”

Rob
obviously takes the advice to heart as, when Ursula’s taxi drives off, he and
Henry are standing, waving. It starts to thunder and the rain comes down. The
conversation goes thus:

Rob
- Just you and me now Henry, eh?

Hen
- Daddy, I’m getting wet

Rob
- Are you waving?

Hen
- Can I go inside?

Rob
- Don’t you dare. How rude after all that Grandma Ursula has done for you. We
are standing here and waving until her taxi is right out of sight. Understood?

Hen
(sadly) - Yes Daddy

Are
there any clues to a possible solution here? Maybe Rob and/or Henry catch a
fatal chill, or perhaps Rob’s interpretation of ‘a firm hand’ could leave to
abuse or violence and Henry is snatched from him by the authorities, revealing
the darker side of Rob’s character. Or maybe Rob will expire, not being able to
keep up with Henry.

Meanwhile,
Helen’s barrister Anna is talking to her mother about the case (in so far as
she is allowed) and Carol is pleased that Anna is continuing with the case.
Anna remarks that it is certainly a challenge and she needs more input from
Helen.

Let’s
turn to the Pip/Toby/shagging story. At the beginning of the week, Pip is
trying to get in touch with Toby after their tryst (euphemism for ‘bonk’) last
week. She eventually confronts him and he is very defensive, saying that he’s
let lots of girls down before, but they weren’t mates who you see every day,
and Pip is a great girl and he likes her, but… “Oh no, you’re not telling me
I’m dumped?” squeals Pip. Later on we found out that she was only joshing and
she finds it hilarious that Toby thought that he was breaking her heart. Her
heart was shattered by Matthew, but her fling with Toby was fun and fun is what
she’s looking for - two consenting adults with no strings. Toby isn’t one to
ignore a hint, as he says “I’ll show you fun lady” and there is the sound of
kissing.

‘Don’t
these people have jobs to do?’ I hear you scream. Yes they do, but in Toby’s
case, it doesn’t seem to matter as he sleeps in when he should be collecting
eggs and looking after the goslings/hens. Josh and Rex are picking up the
pieces and Josh, for one, is not happy. Rex says that Toby rolled in at 2 am
and he tells Josh that talking to Toby is water off a duck’s back. Josh is
becoming ever more incensed - since buying out Neil and Hayley, he is working
all hours at Willow farm and is in debt to his parents. Upper Class Eggs have
to turn a profit, but they won’t if the business isn’t efficient and they are
carrying Toby. Rex repeats that Toby doesn’t listen, to which Josh replies “Did
you use up your lifetime’s aggression playing rugby? Just let me at him!”

On
cue, Toby turns up, full of false remorse and promising that things will be
different in the future. “That sound you hear is that of a new leaf turning” he
says, glibly. But Josh is having none of it, saying that “No it’s not; it’s the
sound of someone trying to dig himself out of a hole.“ Josh goes on to say that
he bought into UCE because he thought it had potential “And it does, but
there’s three of us in this partnership and it needs you to pull your weight,
so let’s see you doing it.” Josh reveals that he was going to invite the
brothers to invest in Willow Farm (what with - they are living hand to mouth as
it is?) “But that’s not going to happen, is it? Not when you’re such a plonker
Toby.” As Josh goes off to work at Willow Farm, Toby demonstrates that it is
indeed water off a plonker’s back when he says to Rex “Well, that was a right
little hissy fit, wasn’t it?” “Oh, I give up” says a disgusted Rex.

Actually,
if Rex knew what was going on behind his back, he’d be even more pissed off.
He’s depressed enough because it’s his 29th birthday and he’s “part
owner of a business that’s barely breaking even, with no prospect of buying a
home.” Bert says that he hopes that Rex can regard the bungalow as his home and
he has cooked Rex breakfast as a treat. As another treat (?) Bert has composed
a poem for Rex’s 29th, but fortunately we were only subjected to a
couple of stanzas.

Later
on in The Bull, we learn that Bert has added some more verses and he reads it
to Rex, Toby and Pip (again, fortunately, we don’t hear all of it.) While Pip
is at the bar, Toby asks Rex if he has any change “for the machine in the
Gents.” “Which girl is it now?” asks an exasperated Rex. “No-one you know” Toby
replies. Rex forks over some money and Toby says “That should keep us going for
a bit. Thanks bro - you’re the best.” I can’t help thinking that Rex would be
mightily pissed off if he found out that, not only is his brother bonking the
girl for whom Rex has the hots, but Rex is subsidising the steamy sex sessions.
Pip isn’t helping Toby’s newly-professed new leaf image when she tells him on
Friday that all her family will be away at Daniel’s homecoming bash, but she
has said that she will stay and grease the grain trailers. Toby has a meeting
lined up with a journalist but he blows that out of the water and the two
indulge in a shagfest, curtailed only when Pip says that she really should
grease the trailers, or the family will wonder what she’s been up to. She wants
to be careful, as if she keeps leading Toby astray, his partners might get
really fed up and the business could go tits up, with ‘goodbye Fairbrothers’
the result. Incidentally, I don’t want people to think that I am against Pip’s
new-found sexual adventurism because she’s a woman - I am against it,
but purely because she’s doing it with Toby, who I find insufferable, although
he is obviously good between the sheets, which I suppose is what she’s looking
for.

What
else has happened? Kenton insisted that Wayne went to Beverley’s funeral,
accompanied by Jolene. Go on Kenton; ask to see the order of service leaflet.
Eddie and Joe are dreaming of the money that they will make through ElfWorld
and are taken aback when Emma suggests that their costumes are a bit creepy
(Joe looked like the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bangand Eddie looked like a Hobgoblin).
Furthermore, Joe’s stories are “terrifying” and “will have the children rushing
for the exits”. Sounds like another Grundy marketing masterclass.

Finally,
the Fete Committee met (Lynda, Kenton, Fallon and Susan) and Lynda’s suggestion
of a traditional fete with the theme of - well, who’d have thought it? -
Resurgam was rejected in favour of a traditional fete with a twist, as they
want to create a party atmosphere with a Rio carnival theme as a homage to the
Olympics. Lynda sniffs mightily, but she is outvoted. But it’s not all good
news for Fallon, as she joins with Alistair to persuade Harrison (or PCB as we
know him) to take over the cricket team captaincy. PCB is not interested but,
when Fallon persists, he agrees, on one condition. When Alistair was captain,
he says, he and Shula were a team, as she did the teas. He (PCB) will take over
as captain as long as Fallon does the teas - another partnership. Fallon says
no, but she has painted herself into a corner, by talking about how the village
needs the cricket team. She agrees, as long as it doesn’t clash with paid work
and saying: “Don’t think you’re getting a Goody Two-Shoes like Shula.” “I should
hope not”, says PCB as the pair kiss, after saying how much they love each
other.

Monday, 11 July 2016

So,
it’s ’goodbye’ to Beverley Drains - taken from us suddenly over the weekend. Poor
Jolene should heed the title of this week’s blog, as she finds
herself getting deeper and deeper into a mess of lies and fabrication.
Beverley, of course, is the mythical girlfriend of Wayne and Kenton is anxious
to meet her - so much so that he says he is going to see Wayne and arrange a
date for her to come round for dinner. Jolene, panicking more than somewhat,
says that he can’t do that. Why not? “Because she’s dead” Jolene
replies and, under further questioning from Kenton and Lilian, makes up a story
about Beverley having a fatal brain haemorrhage over the weekend.

Kenton
is amazed - Wayne hasn’t said a word about his loss and has come into
work each day. “Life goes on” says Jolene, uncertainly. Kenton says that he’s amazed
how Wayne is keeping it all together and Jolene agrees. Indeed, Kenton tells
Jolene that they have to support Wayne at a time like this and he has offered
Wayne a permanent contract. “After what he’s been
through, it’s the least we could do” Kenton adds. When he
leaves the room, Jolene rings Wayne, saying “You jammy beggar Wayne;
you always fall on your feet, don’t you?” That’s as
maybe, Jolene, but I don’t think Kenton would be
very impressed if he found out about the deception - and it’s not over
yet; what if Kenton thinks they should go to the funeral, or wonders why there’s no death
notice in the local press? Oh what a tangled web, Jolene - you’d better
pray that it’s all over.

At
Bridge Farm, Pat and Tony are annoyed because Rob is late bringing Henry round
and they want to take Henry to the zoo. When Rob does turn up, he tells them
how much Henry is looking forward to seeing the Elf Migration and Ursula has
made him an elf costume. “I’m sure you
wouldn’t want to disappoint him” says the master
manipulator then, when Pat and Tony agree to take Henry to see the elves, Rob
reveals that he and Ursula will be there too. When Rob leaves, Pat has a rant
about how he is taking over their one day with their grandson.

Her
anger increases on Wednesday when Rob asks if he can come round for a talk.
Henry came home from school in tears: a classmate of his told him that his
mother is a murderer and the police have locked her up. Rob told Henry that she
isn’t a murderer, but she has done a very bad thing and we will have to wait
until a jury decides on her guilt. Pat is amazed that he should talk like that
to a five-year old, but Rob says that it was factual and “in the
circumstances, I think I was rather restrained. But if you want to feed him a
more sugar-coated version, that’s up to you.” Lucky for
Rob that there were no knives lying around, or Pat might have finished the job
that Helen left uncompleted.

But
back to Sunday; the Elf Migration has pulled in the crowds, which seems to
indicate the paucity of things to do in Ambridge on a Sunday, and Anna
Tregorran is taken aback when Henry, dressed as an elf, rushes over to her and
Carol, followed by Pat, who is trying to stop him running off. Anna makes an
excuse and leaves, as Pat is a prosecution witness and, as such, Anna should
have no contact with her.

The
following day, Carol takes Anna for a slap-up lunch and we learn the reason for
her moment of self-doubt last week, as she opens up to her mother. Some time
ago, Anna was prosecuting a case of abuse and she got deeply and emotionally
involved in it, to the extent that she and her partner Max split up afterwards.
Despite devoting all her time and energies to the case, Anna lost and the
abuser was allowed back into the family home, and the abuse started again. “Only this
time he killed her” Anna says, simply. Since then, Anna hasn’t handled
a similar case, until taking on Helen’s and she wonders whether
she is up to it - perhaps Helen would be better off with someone else?

Later
in the week, Helen phones Anna, who suggests that Helen might want another
barrister? Alarmed, Helen quickly says “no” and adds “Anna - don’t give up
on me.” Anna replies that she never will, but she needs to build up a defence
case and she needs Helen to help. In fact, Helen seems to be getting a bit
better, and her talks to fellow inmate Kaz prompt memories of Rob’s
behaviour - if she continues to improve, Anna might yet have a working defence
strategy, but Helen needs to pull her finger out.

Over
at Grange Farm, Joe is taking the forthcoming eviction of the Grundy’s very
badly - Clarrie tells Pat that he was distraught when the sycamore was felled
and now he has discovered a big puddle of water behind the settee in the
sitting room. Tony asks if Clarrie thinks that Joe put it there deliberately? “I really
hope not Tony, but he really don’t want us to move out.” Clarrie
says. Let’s think; is Joe a big enough ingrate to do such a thing? Is that the
sort of thing he would do? So, that’s a ‘yes’ and a ‘yes’. Let him
stay at Grange Farm, Oliver - bury him where the sycamore stood. Now.

Let
us turn to the crisis in the cricket team. Alistair has called an EGM for
Thursday and Adam has booked the Flood Bar at the Bull to cope with the
expected crowd. Sadly, it dawns on the pair that no-one else is coming, so they
descend to the pub downstairs to try to find cricketers propping up the bar. “We’ll make
this meeting quorate if it kills us” says Alistair, grimly.
It happens that Dr. Richard Locke is talking to Elizabeth and Rex has turned
up, expecting to meet Toby and Pip for a drink. Alistair and Adam shanghai
them, not listening to their excuses, although Rex seems quite excited. “No-one’s ever
tried to kidnap me before” he says, as they drag
him and the doctor upstairs.

When
the meeting gets under way, Alistair says that he will have to give up the
captaincy - he has taken his eye off the ball due to the fact that he had to
relocate his business after the flood and, while he would still want to play in
the team, he doesn’t think that he could be an effective captain.
So who to take his place - Adam? Adam protests that he is as busy as Alistair.
OK then - Richard? Dr Locke says that he is only a new boy and couldn’t be a
good captain. Rex? He says that he is running two businesses and, besides, he’s a rugby
player, really. However, Rex makes a suggestion and we learn later that
Harrison Burns’ name has been put forward, even though he is not actually there in
person. The word ’railroaded’ springs, unbidden, to
mind.

Friday
was the much-anticipated (by some) Borsetshire Food & Drink Awards at Grey
Gables. Lilian is being given a hard time by some of Miranda’s friends, which
is fair enough, as a few days earlier, she had been given a different sort of
hard time by Justin at a London hotel, following watching men’s quarter final
day at Wimbledon, complete with strawberries and champagne. But there’s
something wrong - Lilian drags Miranda off to Miranda’s room and tells her that
she has to change her frock. Miranda is not amused and Lilian explains that the
Lady Mayoress has only one posh frock, which comes out on all these occasions
and it’s the same as Miranda’s. As the Mayor and his lady are the guests of
honour, it behoves Miranda to change her outfit. There is an uncomfortable
pause, then Miranda says “You’re very good at this, aren’t you?” That’s not all
she’s good at, Miranda - just ask Justin.

The
awards follow an excellent dinner. The winner of the haute cuisine award goes
to Ian, the Grey Gables chef. Through incidental conversation, we learn that
Elizabeth didn’t win anything, but she did take Richard along after her Plus
One called off. Upper class eggs didn’t win anything (Pat says she’s not
surprised, as sales at the farm shop were rubbish and they cancelled their
order), neither did Emma and Fallon. Pat is surprised that Toby isn’t at the
Awards, but Lilian suggests he has probably got something better to do. Back to
the Awards: The Bull won the Family Dining category and then we come to the
final award of the night - Best Artisan Product. And the winner is: Helen
Titchener’s Borsetshire Blue cheese! Cue manic applause as Pat is urged to go
and collect it (at least nobody asked why Helen wasn’t there to pick it up).
She says that it will mean so much to Helen and Jennifer says to Lilian that
Pat and Tony will have something good to tell Helen “and that hasn’t happened
for a very long time.”

Let
me take you back to Thursday. Toby has persuaded Pip to look at his totally
revamped video promoting Upper Class eggs (and now also the geese) and she has
agreed to do the rewritten voice-over. When she views the finished article, she
suggests that it is good visually, but the soundtrack would be improved if they
added the song of a Blackcap. If they went to Lakey Hill, they might be able to
record one, so Toby grabs his equipment (recording equipment) and they go. I
suspect that Toby thinks a Blackcap is some kind of contraceptive device but he
later admits that the song will make the video better.

Pip
suggests that they should go to The Bull and meet Rex, but Toby suggests that
they stay there and watch the sunset. What about the beer? Toby says he is
always prepared (thank God he was talking about alcohol) and gives Pip one
(alcohol again). He then accuses Pip of luring him there and plying him with
alcohol “So you could have your wicked way with me.” Pip calls him “arrogant,
vain, self-satisfied…” but he stops her by saying “and you’re irresistible” and
the episode closes with the sound of kissing.

I’m
afraid Pip has gone down severely in my estimation. We don’t know whether she
and Toby were together on Friday instead of being at the Awards, but I hope
not. For Pip to fall for his nauseating chat-up line makes me feel sick - for
heaven’s sake, Pip, this is the man who shagged your father’s cousin and is, as
you so rightly pointed out, arrogant, vain and self-satisfied, so what are you
doing? I sincerely hope that it is a one-off and Pip hates herself. I suppose
there is one thing to be said in Pip’s favour, and that is that she’s pretty
resilient. I mean, let’s face it - it certainly hasn’t taken her long to get
over Matthew, has it?

Monday, 4 July 2016

I
was taught that, if you ever see a headline that says ‘mystery
surrounds…’ then you have evidence of a journalist who hasn’t done his
job properly. However, that isn’t true in this case, as
the mystery only featured once last week and then only briefly. Wednesday wasn’t a good
day for Anna - it was the day of Helen’s hearing regarding
custody of Henry and Jack and Pat and Tony meet Anna briefly beforehand. They
think that she’s looking nervous and, indeed, she seems to be at a bit of a loss as
proceedings begin, to the extent that the judge becomes a bit tetchy.

The
judge’s decision was that things should stay as they are, at least until after
Helen’s trial. Pat and Tony are disappointed because Henry will be staying
with Rob, but at least Helen keeps custody of Jack. Rob did his best, appearing
with a walking stick that no-one remembers seeing him with before, and his
brief describes Helen as “clearly a dangerous
woman.” The issue of sending Henry to boarding school was apparently only a
misunderstanding. Anna counters this by reminding the judge that she will be
presenting a defence of self-defence at Helen’s trial and that her
client is innocent until proven guilty.

Anna
tells Pat and Tony that it was always odds on that the judge would opt to
maintain the status quo and not to give up hope. On returning to Ambridge, Anna
is confronted by a scene of culinary carnage - Carol had made a lasagne and it
slipped when she removed it from the oven (she has a broken wrist remember) and
it ended up on the floor. While Anna clears lasagne and broken glass off the
floor, she berates her mother, who says that Anna seems bothered about
something. In a trembling voice, Anna replies “I think it could be
happening again, and this time - oh God mum - this time I’ve got to
stop it.”

Mystery
indeed. This was on Wednesday and was the only reference to whatever ‘it’ may be.
Any ideas? I’ve racked what I’m pleased to call my
brains and I haven’t come up with anything that sounds like a
likely explanation. An illness? Unlikely, as Anna’s final words seem to
imply that whatever ‘it’ is, she seems able to
control it. We will have to wait and see what develops. Maybe you have an idea?

This
was also the week of the launch of Kate’s Spiritual Home and, to
nobody’s surprise, she is stressing and on the verge of descending into panic.
First of all there is a tear in Persephone (which I assume is some sort of
tent) and where are the caterers? Jennifer fixes the tear and Roy, on the
phone, assures Kate that the caterers are reliable and not to worry. Ha! Fat
chance! Peggy tells her granddaughter that everything is going to be all right.
Kate is getting really stressed and says “No it won’t - and
nobody else seems to care!” Well Kate, you got that
last bit right at least.

As
it turns out, the evening - or, rather, the night, as it went on until dawn -
went off OK and we were told that Lynda “was really going for it” on the
bongos, which frankly, boggles the mind. Roy was bullied into coming along, but
Phoebe didn’t turn up. It was Phoebe’s 18th
birthday on 26th June and Jennifer told Peggy, disapprovingly, that
Kate just gave her money, while Roy and Hayley bought Phoebe a lovely bracelet.
As the evening ended, Roy and Kate were the last two standing and they
reflected on where had all the years gone?

In
a moment of honesty, Kate admits that she hasn’t been the best of
parents and the fact that Phoebe has turned out as well as she has is largely
down to Roy “as I wasn’t even here.” They drink a toast to their daughter and Roy
says “At least we’re both here for her now.” Kate
agrees and, in a moment that made me break down and weep in despair, added “and
staying for as long as she needs us.” I sincerely hope that
Phoebe will emigrate after university.

The
fallout from Josh’s ‘theft’ of Neil
and Hayley’s hens continues, as Neil tells Susan that he and Hayley have decided
that the passion for the business has gone and they have decided to call it a
day and give up on the hens. Josh is still feeling contrite and seeks Neil out
to give him a bottle of whisky. This means that Josh is in for another
ear-bashing, as Neil tells him how disappointed he is in him. “I never
had you down for a thief” Neil tells him and, when
Josh admits that he was trying to impress Toby, Neil adds that Josh could find
much better role models.

Susan
is helping out at the Bridge Farm shop, although the word ‘helping’ might not
be the correct one here, as she bangs on to Joe about how expensive everything
is in the shop and he’d find them much cheaper at the village shop. “It’s no
wonder that so many things are past their sell-by date” she adds,
not considering that her negative comments might have something to do with lack
of sales. Susan also goes on about how Tom doesn’t listen to her ideas
about improving things in the shop - ideas which seem to consist only of
wearing tabards and name badges.

Most
of Susan’s ire is directed at Toby and Rex’s eggs - how could people
prefer these to Neil’s free rangers? Don’t worry
about it Susan - Neil’s eggs won’t be around for much
longer. If Toby’s ears are burning, it doesn’t show. When talking to
Pip, Rex wonders whether he should have gone into business with his brother
(whom he describes as ‘a flake’) and admits that he
doesn’t even know where Toby is today, but it’s probably something to
do with his film.

When
Toby does turn up, Pip has a proposition - she is going to take three heifers
to a farm in Hampshire and she’d appreciate some company
on the journey. Toby quickly says that Rex would love to do it and so the two
set off a few days later. They seem to be getting on pretty well, but the
journey home is spoiled for Rex as Pip keeps going on about Matthew. It seems
that Matthew once worked at the farm they have just visited and had
single-handedly saved it from going under when the farmer was ill and Pip tells
Rex how good it was “to hear from someone else what an amazing guy
Matthew is.”“Yes, he really is amazing” Rex replies, in
doom-laden tones.

Say what you like about Toby, but when it comes
to matters of the heart (or lower organs) he knows what he’s talking about. On
Tuesday, Justin rings Lilian up and suggests dinner “and then we can take it
from there.” “You lucky girl” Lilian says to herself, as she puts the phone
down. After dinner, she and Justin are walking home and he says that the first
part of the evening has been a great success and “shall we move on to part
two?” They meet Rex and Toby in the street and, after an exchange of
pleasantries, Toby tells Rex that he should take a leaf out of their book. Rex
is nonplussed, but Toby says “they’re having an affair” and, when Rex expresses
doubts, Toby says “I can tell a mile off. What’s the matter with you Rex?” The
big clue was Lilian walking along with both hands down Justin’s trousers, Rex.
Rex says forlornly that Pip isn’t interested in him in that way and “I wish she
was.” Toby tells him that the trip to Hampshire could be his big chance and
“the best opportunity you’ll get. I’m right behind you - just go for it, bro.”

Joe is still trying to find reasons that would
put people off buying Grange Farm and he and the rest of the Grundys are
awaiting the surveyor’s report. The crack in the kitchen wall indicates
subsidence, but that can be cured with some underpinning, so Joe is desperate
to find something major wrong. I wouldn’t be surprised if he set alight to the
damn place - his attitude is certainly a poor response to Oliver’s generosity
in letting them stay rent-free for months. Eddie has more bad news - the large
sycamore near the house will have to go, as it is making it hard to sell the
farm. Joe is scandalised, saying that the tree has been there for hundreds of
years, which, as it is a sycamore - an introduced species - is highly unlikely.

The Grundys express an interest in the next
Parish Council meeting on Friday and Eddie turns up. Brian is there, with the
Borsetshire Wildlife Trust report on the effect of increased, elf-related
tourism on the ecosystem of Millennium Wood. It turns out that the effect is
significantly harmful and Brian calls for the elves to be made history. Neil
isn’t so sure - the extra trade has been good for local shops and businesses.
And now Eddie plays his master stroke - there could be a third way and he tells
them of his plans for ElfWorld, thus moving the elves out of the wood, but
keeping them in Ambridge.

Later on, Brian congratulates Eddie on his
business acumen and Eddie says “At least you know the elves are going to a good
home.” “Yes, I was so worried about that” Brian replies, drily. In the pub,
Eddie tells Neil that he plans ‘the great elf migration’ for Sunday and he has
had some leaflets printed, publicising the event. Neil demonstrates that he
isn’t the brightest firefly in the garden when he asks Eddie how come he
managed to organise that, when the PC only gave the go-ahead two hours ago?
Eddie reckons it will be a nice little earner - they won’t charge for entrance
but parking will be £5 and they will ask for donations and sell souvenirs.
“We’re gonna have a smashing day on Sunday, so I don’t see why we Grundys
shouldn’t make the most of it” Eddie tells Neil, while five million listeners
speculate on exactly how this latest money-making scheme is going to come a
cropper.

There was a welcome return to a speaking part for
Alistair on Sunday when he, Richard Locke and Adam discuss cricket. At least
this week Ambridge is able to field a team of eleven, unlike last week’s
humiliation. Sadly, despite Richard and PCB playing well, Ambridge lost. Even
worse, the tea was rubbish - Shula appears to have gone awol and Ambridge has
gone from being the best team with the best teas last season to a bunch of
losers serving up sub-standard grub. Alistair decides that the best thing to do
would be to call an EGM for next week. “There’s no way I’m going to let this
team die on my watch” says a defiant Alistair. I’d wait to see how many turn up
for the EGM before you say that, Alistair. Perhaps they should appoint Lynda to
roam the village and cajole people into playing - after all, it works for her
Christmas shows year after year.