Or, you gave up that promotion because you need to rest and stay home to hopefully (fingers-crossed) recover.

Heck, you can’t even clean up your own room and shower on your bad days!

For most of these things, I have learned to live with and without through the years since I became a spoonie. But there is still this one thing that makes me cringe and keeps me awake at night.

“I have learned to live with and without through the years since I became a spoonie. But there is still this one thing that makes me cringe and keeps me awake at night.”

The Most Popular Pageant Question

“What is the essence of being a woman?”

Let that question hang for a moment there and let’s think about it.

While I haven’t joined any beauty pageant (nor will I ever join one), I’ve felt compelled to answer that question as I got older.

Most especially right after every major flare-up.

And then there are those follow-up questions that I often hear from family and friends that take my self-worth to a nosedive.

“How can you handle the stress of being a wife and a mother if you’re like that?

“Can your body bear and give birth to a child?”

“You get dizzy often. How can you survive the sleepless nights of a new mother plus manage the household?

I love kids and I’d love to have my own.

I long to care for and love a lifetime partner.

I’m not going to lie to you. Motherhood has been one of my dreams as a woman.

I thought it was a big part of my essence.

So, what if…

… my condition won’t allow me to bear and raise a child, do most of the house chores, homeschool, and get a regular job?

Will I be less of a woman? Will I not live up to the true essence of a woman?

Ms. Universe 1994 Sushmita Sen said that, “Just being a woman is God’s gift that all of us must appreciate. The origin of a child is a mother, and is a woman. She shows a man what sharing, caring and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman.”

That was beautiful.

A woman does not have to be a mother or a wife to share, care, and love.

Granted, Sushmita is not a spoonie like you and me (not that I know of). And I know that it’s hard to think of your real essence when you wake up feeling like you were hit by a truck.

So, I looked for…

3 Real and Badass Women with Chronic Illness

Venus Williams

Williams is one of the world’s best woman tennis players. In 2011, she disclosed that she was diagnosed with the incurable and difficult to diagnose Sjögren’s Syndrome. It’s an autoimmune condition in which the immune system mistakenly attacks the glands that make tears and saliva. It can also target the joints, thyroid, kidneys, liver, lungs, skin and nerves.

After adopting a new exercise regimen and a vegan diet, she started to recover and able to play again. In fact, she won her first tennis title in two years in 2014 in Dubai. Win or lose, she continued to play.

“I think we all dream of winning tournaments but we don’t think of being more of a force in the game of tennis other than for ourselves. For me that would be the best legacy”, she told CNN.

I personally know Jen as she is one of my awesome online business mentors. She is a wife and a mom to the “best 3 crazies” (her words, not mine). She has an online business which “helps women build and grow their online business, so they can have the flexibility to do the work they love while spending time with the people they love.”

When she was 25 years old, she was diagnosed with Lupus. Later on, she discovered she also had Raynaud’s, Sjögren’s Syndrome, and Endometriosis.

“Listen to your body! If your body is saying rest, rest! Don’t overdo it so you end up in the hospital or worse. Remember we aren’t performing brain surgery or creating oxygen. Our businesses and our missions are important, but we are too!” – Jen

“Listen to your body! If your body is saying rest, rest!”

Kris is the subject and director of the award-winning documentary film “Crazy Sexy Cancer” which was about her transformation and health journey through cancer. On Valentine’s Day in 2003, she was diagnosed with a rare and incurable cancer.

She changed her diet and lifestyle and discovered that while she cannot be cured, she could still be healthy and feel better.

She has written 5 best-selling books and created health and wellness programs that inspire, transform and heal a lot of women.

Kris says, “If I can pull that off, just imagine what YOU can do.”

Celebrate What You Can Do

There is no shame in pulling the covers over your head and canceling your appointments to rest and take care of yourself.

There is no shame in pulling the covers over your head and canceling your appointments to rest and take care of yourself.

No shame in your physical limitations.

You may miss those things you used to do. I do, too.

But is it possible you may be taking the things you can still do for granted?

I believe that you have a purpose. Every single day, you are being equipped to fulfill it. There is no one else who can take your place to do it.

What’s Next?

Close your eyes and take 3 deep and slow breaths.

Now, think of the things you can still do.

In the comments, share one of them by completing this sentence:

I can ___________________ and I’m grateful for it.

Lastly, this goes out to you and to the woman in the mirror:

Your essence is within you and no one can take it away from you.

Chronic illness does not make you less of a woman.

Mary is a thriving spoonie, a health blogger, an online solopreneur and a natural healing advocate. Despite chronic illness, she believes spoonies are valuable, strong and capable to make a difference in our society. She is on a mission to help women with chronic illness thrive by sharing her own experiences, fellow spoonies’ success stories, tools, programs and tips that focus on real food. Join her in this journey here.

My name is Alivia and I struggle with depression. And I know I am not alone.

Major depression affects the way a person thinks, feels, behaves, and functions. Depression is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States.

In 2014, around 15.7 million adults age 18 or older in the U.S. had experienced at least one major depressive episode in the last year, which represented 6.7 percent of all American adults. At any point in time, 3 to 5 percent of adults suffer from major depression; the lifetime risk is about 17 percent. As many as 2 out of 100 young children and 8 out of 100 teens may have serious depression.

The statistics are sad, there are so many who struggle with this alone, afraid to talk about it due to the stigma surrounding depression, and the judgement associated with it. With something so common, so hard to deal with especially alone, why are those who are struggling with it made to feel bad, ashamed, alone, shunned or avoided? It is very sad.

It concerns me because I struggle with it daily, I know how it effects ones life, and how it hurts to be shunned by others because your feeling down and withdrawn and instead of reaching out or trying to ask what is going on and if they can help out. When we need someone, sometimes a specific person other times its anyone to make an effort, to make you feel your not alone, to include you so you feel wanted.

I understand those feelings. I understand wanting, needing to feel included, and how it often doesn’t feel like it will ever happen. But you know what? It will. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but it will happen. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are strong enough to get to it, you have made it this far and you have grown so much stronger for the trials you have gone through. I’m not saying that you deserve this, or that it’s a good thing you’re going through it, I’m saying that since you have, you have gotten through it with 100% success. But you don’t need to do it alone, you are not alone. I am here, and so are many others going through what you’re going through.

There are resources, support groups, and loved ones who will be by your side if you let them. Depression is hard to go through, very hard. It’s hard to get out of bed, to eat, or to stop eating, to stop what you’re feeling, trying to understand how you’re feeling and what to do about it. Remember it’s okay to be feeling the way you’re feeling, to not be okay, but don’t be afraid to reach out, don’t go it alone. We all need to stand together to fight the stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses. Our mental health is so important, and we need to make sure we take care of ourselves and each other, and the best way to do so is to be there for each other, so lets all stand up, take each others hands and support each other.

Suicide is higher in those who struggle with depression, we need to end the stigma so others aren’t afraid to ask for support and help, we can help eliminate many suicides by helping raise awareness, so that everyone knows the signs and what it is to go through it so that they can help those in their own lives struggling and together we can prevent so many lost lives. Not getting treatment can be life threatening.

More than one out of every 10 people battling depression commits suicide. This is such a heart wrenching number, if you think about the above stated number, of over 15 million in the U.S. who has experienced depression at some point in the last year, ( according to the numbers in the study in the year 2014 ) that translates into 1,570,000 who will commit suicide in a year in the U.S.

Now these numbers are old, but with that math and that is only 1 on 10, and it says more than 1 out of every 10, that is a staggering number. And we need to help those numbers go down, way way down. So I have a challenge for each of you reading this, lets start a movement, a movement to speak out about our personal struggle with depression, speak out so others struggling will know they are not alone, that we are out there, and that we can stand together to support each other.

So go out there, live your life, be strong and know you’re going to be okay, you’re strong, and smart and amazing!

This article is written by Alivia Wagoner. A young mother of two beautiful children, married to a wonderful man. She has been a “spoonie” for many years with several chronic conditions, She struggle daily with the limitations of these conditions but doesn’t let them damp on her love of writing, books, crafting and art.

Yeah, I mean you. You think I don’t know what you’re feeling. You don’t think I know how you feel worthless. That the world wouldn’t miss you because you don’t really contribute anything worthwhile to it. You think I don’t know what it feels like to feel that I am invisible even though I am surrounded by family and friends. You think I don’t understand the pain and frustration of wishing that I was the old me. That I am losing me. That I hate this new me. That with each ability I lose just that much more of me disappears.

You are wrong. Remember, that I am you and you are me. We are not exactly the same but we walk parallel paths. We feel the same things. We understand each other without words. We understand the loss, pain and emotional toll this journey takes on a person’s spirit.

Why am I writing to you today? I see you struggling so much. All I want to do is wrap my arms around you and let you rest. All warriors need to have somewhere and someone. We all need a safe haven. We all need a place and a person who is there for us. We need a place to yell, scream, cry, celebrate our accomplishments, a place that soothes the heart and soul.
Have I found this place? Yes, I have. I have found a place to be the real me. I have found a group of people who understand me. I don’t have to be alone anymore. I am not walking this journey without assistance. I have someone to lean on. Somewhere to let my pain out. Somewhere where my soul gets a lift. I have found a family not borne of blood and bone, but of shared experiences, shared trials and tribulations. I have found my OHANA. I wrote a poem that explains this better. Here, you read it and then we will talk some more.

OHANA

Bonds borne not of blood and bone
Never again to be all alone
Sister, brother, mother, father
Never to feel like you are a bother

We have never met face to face
Hearts and souls opening at their own pace
Arms opened catching me when fall
Hands reach out steadying at the first call

Words of encouragement and understanding on a screen
Journeys not otherwise seen
Pain physical, soul sick, and troubled mind
Everyone always so kind

Stories told
Love, pain, tears, anger, laughter all brought into the fold
Rejection a thing of the past
A home at long last

Bonds of steel surrounding me tight
Souls ready to help you fight
Family chosen of free will
Better than any feel good pill

Never to be let go or left behind
Emotion no longer confined
Understood, supported, filled with love
There when push comes to shove

Laughter, joy, just feels right
An army ready to help with the fight
Warriors lined up side by side and hand in hand
This is our OHANA ready to take a stand

What is OHANA and why am I talking about it? Well, OHANA means family. OHANA also means no one is forgotten or left behind. Family is no only who you are born to. It’s those friends that move into your heart and support you. They love you unconditionally. They fight for you when you can’t. They are the warriors who stand side by side with you and provide a safe haven; even when it’s you the protect you from. You are my OHANA and I am yours. We may never meet but we will always be connected.

Why am I telling you all of this? I want you to remember that I am you and you are me. I know how you feel when you fall into the abyss. I know how hard it is to fight your demons. You are not worthless! You will be missed by many if you were to disappear. I look for you daily. I would miss the warrior you are.

Yes, your journey is hard. Yes, you have changed. No, you may not be able to do the same things you use to but you are still here for a reason. What that reason is, only the fates know. So together we ride this rollercoaster. The ups and downs of our journey are hard to take. They test our will to fight. They take a piece of our soul. With each piece of us lost we question if we are still us. We miss who we use to be. We rage at fate. We cry for our losses. We question our place in life. We doubt our worth.

What I need for you to remember; what I need you to believe with all your being is that all this changes nothing. I need you to know that deep down, in the darkest recesses of your soul you still are you. The spark that you were born with hasn’t changed. What makes you, you hasn’t changed. You are still alive and kicking in there. All these physical and emotional changes are not the soul of you. In your soul lives the warrior who fights to live. In your soul lives your love. In your soul lives you will to fight. Your OHANA will feed all of these. Your OHANA will fight to bring the warrior to the surface. Your OHANA will help you find your place in life once again. Your OHANA will teach you that you are more than your physical abilities. Your OHANA will teach you that your emotions are valid and are understood. Your OHANA will help you find peace when you can’t find it for yourself. Your OHANA will bring you joy, laughter, and a smile even on your worst days. Your OHANA will pick you up when you fall. They will dust you off. They will hold you gently while you heal from battle. They will give you a kick in the ass when you need it. Your OHANA will love you no matter what.

Remember I said I am you and you are me. So, this means we are OHANA. Are you ready for that? Are you ready for me? I sure hope so because the bad ass warrior in me is ready for the challenge. The warrior is ready to fight for her tribe. Who is ready to kick ass? Who is going to stand with me? I will look forward to the journey ahead with you.

I was a fairly happy child. I laughed, danced and sung. I played with my brothers. I was in a choir and I loved it. I was confident and bright. This was when I was about 6 years old. Things are hazy from then on. I was stressed out.. severely. I was in a rough home situation.. and I experienced a lot of psychological abuse from a young age up until my teen years. Most of my childhood was spent stressed out.

I also started putting on weight when I was about 7 and it kept creeping up even though I ate normal foods and played sport. When I was 14 my mum noticed I was sleeping a lot and keeping to myself a lot. She took me to a psych and I was diagnosed with depression.

Teenage years

Anyway.. skip a head a few years. I was 16 and in year 11 in high school. That’s when the fatigue really hit. I would skip school just to sleep. People thought I was just depressed, and I was, but none of us knew that was the beginning of me being seriously ill. I was still able to go out and be somewhat normal at that time but things just gradually got worse and worse.

The insomnia would keep me up all night and then I would sleep all day. Or if I did get up in the day I was horribly fatigued. I started to withdraw and go out less and less because I was so tired. Usually any mentions to doctors about fatigued were passed off so no one ever explored any other options.. I wish they had.

The first big breakdown

I remember when I was around 21 or 22 I started experiencing severe dizziness and weakness. I would get up and have major headspins to the point of not being able to lift my head up. If I went out I would have to hold on to a friends arm or something because things would spin. As even more time went on more things popped up along with the anxiety, depression and fatigue which was gradually worsening.. brain fog.. sinus issues and other symptoms.

There was one time.. probably about 2 or 3 years ago.. my mum was in hospital.. I’d been binge eating party finger foods and I was stressed and anxious being alone in the house and worrying about mum. This was the first time I remember getting numbness in my body. It was my full left arm and some of my left leg. As you can imagine.. I was terrified. And alone.

Some friends came over one evening to celebrate a friends birthday and I felt weaker and weaker as the day went on.. and the numbness. I broke down crying on the phone to mum and I was like.. what do I do? I ended up calling an ambulance. I was shaking from fear and my dad met me there. They did all the standard tests. Monitored me for awhile and basically said.. “It’s just anxiety. Lose some weight. And don’t sleep on your left side.” They gave me an attitude like I had wasted their time completely and I was heartbroken but also kind of relieved.. if it was life threatening.. they wouldn’t be letting me leave. Still scared though. I went home and my dad ended up staying at my house with me for about a month because I was so sick (and scared) I could barely do a thing. Even feeding myself was a task because my mouth was shaking.. literally. I eventually calmed down. Still had symptoms but not as severe.

Still No Diagnosis

Since then.. the numbness comes and goes. I’ve also developed body aches and pains.. the brain fog is worse and I’m pretty much housebound and bedridden (although I can still walk around) from it all.

I moved from that old house in with my dad for a year and that was hard because even though he’s seen me unwell he still doesn’t fully understand that I am chronically ill and its very hard for me to do things.

Then recently I moved again into a new place with my mum.

Fibromyalgia and CFS

Last year in November I finally got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. That is only AFTER my doctor saw me with a walking cane and decided to take me seriously. I had already complained of the numbness, fatigue and all of that before. I’d lost faith in all doctors by that point. Anyway it was a neurologist who diagnosed me.

Fibro Flare

Since then I’ve had some god awful flare ups. I’m experiencing one now (yes, I’ve only just started to educate myself about flare ups) nobody told me they were a thing and whenever they happened severe anxiety would ensue.

Right now I’m just trying to remain calm and accept what I am dealing with and redirect negative thoughts. I honestly believe this will help calm down my symptoms. I’ve become a “master googler” over time and that hasn’t helped anxiety.. but I’ve been trying to figure this all out. I’m not getting any help but I don’t believe I’m stuck with this.. some days I need to keep that mindset in order to get myself through the rough moments and some days I honestly and truthfully believe it.

What I’ve learnt so far is that stress can mess you up in ways we don’t even think about. I believe the constant stress did that to my body. I’ve learnt that what I’m dealing with is most likely auto immune so I’ve cut out foods that trigger autoimmune reactions like dairy, grains, gluten and so on.

I ate butter and rice recently for a few weeks thinking I’d be okay and I think that’s what triggered my recent flare up. I believe that I have a large candida overgrowth and leaky gut but when I mentioned it to my doctor she shut me down.
I read a woman bedridden with fibromyalgia and found out she had adrenal fatigue and a massive candida overgrowth. She went on the candida diet and within a year she healed. I’d like to eventually do that.. I’m trusting my intuition on this one.. seeing as that’s all I’ve got.

Stay positive and try not to stress

But I’m not at that point just yet to take that 100 percent seriously. Right now im just focusing on stress relief. That… is a huge part of this. You’d think I’d have nothing to stress about seeing as I’m home all day. I don’t work and I’m not capable of doing much around the house due to being too tired. I used to wake up stressed and anxious and go to bed stressed and anxious.. its only been in the past week that I decided.. no. I need to get this under control.

All I could think about was.. I’m sick.. I’m scared.. what do I do.. I need a plan.. when will I get better *googles all day and night*. That.. was not helpful. This is just my personal belief.. but I do believe I have angels around me.. with me.. and guiding me.. and I feel like they were telling me that I needed to not fight against this and accept it. Not accept it in the sense that I’ve given up.. accept it by just.. keeping calm.. saying to myself.. this is what I am experiencing and I’m just going to remain calm and experience it.. it has helped.

I still have bad moments but its definitely helped. I feel like they were also telling me that when I am calm.. everything I need to know to start getting better.. will come to me.. that I know the answers and I know that to do and that I need to trust my intuition. So that’s what I am doing and seeing as I don’t get help on any other way.. I may as well listen to my intuition and use that as guidance.

Loneliness

I’ve lost a lot of friends being ill. I don’t have friends, family (apart from mum) or doctors support. I don’t see anyone apart from mum and my cat.. accepting that has been hard too.. I’m 26 years old and when I’m feeling good.. I am happy and full of life and want to share that with people and I can’t.

As I said…. all I can do is take small steps to get better.. and listen to my intuition. I hope someday I can get up and think to myself.. wow I feel so refreshed and full of energy.. I’m going to go for a walk or go shopping. I’d like to travel overseas one day. I’d love to get married and have kids eventually. I want to write a book and I want to use my wisdom and experiences to help others one day as well. I’d like to think that these hard times are simply shaping me into a person that can do good/great things in this world. Keeping that mindset also helps me keep the faith and stay strong.

Yes, I mean you! I see you there. You are sad, hurting , and wondering why the hell you are here. Why should you suffer this existence? The pain is eating you from the inside out. You feel as if there is no good left to live for. I see you when your mind falls into the abyss and cries for mercy. I see you when your PTSD erodes every bit of your sense of safety. I see you when life knocks you down when you just found your feet again. I see your struggles. I know your pain. I know the wish that each night when you go to sleep you will quietly slip away never to wake again. But you do and that alone means you are a fighter, a warrior.

How do I know your thoughts and feelings? Remember, I am you and you are me. I get knocked on my ass by life. I get thrown into the abyss by my thoughts and feelings. My pain is your pain. We may not be exactly the same but we travel parallel roads. I know what it feels like to think that your body, and your mind are your enemies. I know what it feels like when one more thing gets added to the load you carry and people think you should just smile and quietly bear it. I know because you are me and I am you.

How do I keep going when things are so bad? Instinctively I think we all want to survive what ever is attacking us; even if it is our own bodies and minds. We have to fight with ourselves. We have to fight letting our negative thoughts devour the light in our souls. We have to protect the tiny spark that resides deep inside of us. We have to feed that spark. It keeps our soul alive when everything around and in us says give up. So, how do I keep going? I feed that tiny flame, that spark, one good thing each day.

What do I mean? Ok, here is what I figured out. Each day I have to find one thing that brings me joy. Then, for that day, that is my reason for living that day. Take for example my love of sunrises. Any day I get up early enough to see a sunrise I get to be blessed by mother nature’s awesome display. There is no way I can not feel the joy and blessings bestowed on me when faced with such beauty. Watching sunrises reminds me that each day is a blank slate that the sun paints with its light. It reminds me that I can do whatever I want with that day. I can spread laughter. I can help someone when they are down. I can wipe someone’s tears. I can hold someone when they are afraid. I can bring light into my world by doing so many little things. I can feed that spark by finding joy in things great and small.

Where can you find joy? Joy can be found in all things. Whether they are big or small; they are soul food. Joy can be found everywhere. It’s in the first breath of a newborn kitten. It’s in the laughter of a 80 year old man. It’s in your love of your husband or wife. It’s in listening to music and connecting with it’s message. It’s in finding a group of warriors who understand you. It’s in the first blooms of spring. It’s in a summer storm. It’s in seeing the night sky. It’s everywhere if we only look and sometimes joy finds us without even really trying.

Why am I talking about joy and fire in our souls? Well, it’s like this if we let the fire die and have no joy in our lives, it means we give up. Without joy and the fire to fight we become a shadow of who we were meant to be. We never fulfill our purpose. We leave our job here undone.

Why does it matter? It matters because who says you were not put here to do great things. You might be here to save a life. You might be here so someone doesn’t feel so alone in their journey. You might be here to bring a child into the world who will be a great leader. You might be put here to create music that touches and feeds the soul. You might be here to love someone who feels unlovable. You might be here to save me.

So, what is the purpose of this message to you? The reason I am writing you this letter is to issue you a challenge. Yep, I am here to challenge you to find a reason to live. I am here to challenge you to find the joy in each day. I am here to challenge you to feed the spark inside you.

You can do this! I want you to find one thing each day that brings you joy and gives you reasons to fight for another day. It doesn’t matter what it is; big or small; if it brings you joy and feeds the spark it doesn’t matter. Remember, I am you and you are me. If we walk this journey together we can do this. I got your back. Our joy can be anything. A sunrise, a baby’s cry, a flower, laughing with a friend, having a low pain day, or even reading a poem. Joy is everywhere. Find it! Enjoy it! Feed the spark so it feeds the warrior in you. Feed it so when the warrior needs to stand up and battle you can look back at those joyful memories and use it for fuel. One moment, one second, one note of music, one smile ,one hand holding yours, one fellow warrior saying here I am; these are where joy lives. Find them! Fight for them! I DARE YOU!

Yes, I mean you. I thought I saw you crying again. You are hiding away again. Running away is impossible. What you are running from is inside you. You can’t get away, your demons are you.

How do I know? Because I am you and you are me. I live with the demons crowding my head and eating my heart every day, every hour, every minute. I’ve tried running. I’ve tried drinking them away. I’ve tried smoking them into oblivion. I tried cutting the pain away. I even tried to end it all. All of these failed; and my demons laughed through it all.

Maybe it’s time for you and I to face our demons. If we do this together maybe, our demons will be the ones cringing in the corner instead of us. Yes, this will hurt. Yes, there will be tears. Yes, there will be anger. Yes, there will be fear and terror. Yes, there might be some yelling and cussing. However, after all this there will hopefully be acceptance where there was guilt, self love where there was self hate, peace where there was turmoil, and calm where there was only anger.

How do we do this? Together we face each demon. Invite them to sit down for a drink and talk. We look at them as an adult determined to claim their self. We show them love, hold them if needed, yell and scream, compromise with them. They can stay but they will no longer rule.

Are you ready for this? Just remember you and I are the same. I am you and you are me. I will never abandon you. I am stuck to you like glue. You are never and will never be alone. I got your back! One demon at a time….we got this! Here we go!

Where do we start? The beginning is always the best. I grew up in a family that was dysfunctional and abusive. My mom’s dad was an alcoholic. Mom’s brother was a Vietnam vet who was a drug abuser and alcoholic. My parents fought like cats and dogs. My father called use little cocksuckers and little bastards when he was mad or frustrated. My mother was the caretaker of the family. She was always trying to fix it all to her own detriment.

So what was the demon in all this? I learned to be the caretaker. I learned to use alcohol and drugs to mask problems instead of facing them. I learned if you were mad or frustrated it was OK to belittle and berate people. I learned how to have a dysfunctional relationship and not a healthy one.

What do we do with this demon? How do we vanquish her? We don’t. We forgive our family for the things they did; but we never forget. Form this demon we learn what not to do. We learn how not to treat people. We learn it is better to face our problems instead of letting them fester. We are all shaped by our families but we don’t have to follow the mold they made for us. Break out! Be yourself! Be the you that is that is better, healthier, and more loving. You are not a product of your family’s failures.

Whew! One down and so many more to face.

Who do we face next? I want to face the 7 year old girl who screams in my head. “Why! Why me? What did I do wrong? Why can’t they see how hurt I am? I must deserve this because I did something bad. This is my punishment.”

If I could I would wrap that little girl up in my arms and protect her from all the harm inflicted on her. However, I can’t change what’s been done; but I can talk to her. So, Sissy I know you’re here and listening. You did nothing wrong. What happened was not your fault. It wasn’t a punishment and he was a very sick person to pick you to abuse. The family never saw what was happening because they never dealt with something of this nature and a lot of them were tied up in other family drama. I know if they did see it they would have protected you. You would have gotten help sooner. Please never ever believe you are alone again. I am here! I will hold you if that’s what you need. I will listen to you rage and wipe your tears. I will be your shield when the nightmares come for you. Just reach out your hand and I will be here.

Do you hear that? Neither did anyone else. The 15 year old Sissy who started drinking because she hurt so much inside that she just wanted to quite the memories; like her Uncle Jim. If it was good enough to help him, maybe it would quite the demons inside her. Everyday, before school she would drink a pint. She had to. She couldn’t face the world sober. At lunch she would sneak more down her gullet. Every evening at home she would hide in her room sipping the liquid nirvana. It never solved anything because when she would sober up the problems would still be there.

If I could go back I would sit beside the troubled teen, put an arm around her shoulder and tell her alcohol never solved a thing. It hides, it masks, it lies when it whispers just a little more will fix it. I would tell her to talk to anyone. Tell them what happened. It was not your fault! When he told you it would break the family apart if you told; he was emotionally blackmailing you. He needs help, you need help. The family will be OK. Just get help.

Did I get help? No, I was too ashamed, too afraid, and too pissed. At this same time my family was a freaking mess. My cousin, who was all of about 12 killed himself. I remember the first line of his suicide note. “ I am tired of being a fuck up in everyone’s eyes.” He was buried with his favorite stuffed animal… Gizmo. At 15 years old I wondered if he found his peace. I wondered if it was worth it. Even with all the pain it caused me and my family, my thoughts slowly began to fester and his escape started to look good to me.

It was just before I was sixteen that I took the hardest hit. I was kind of seeing a young man named Chris. We had been friends for awhile before we started seeing each other. So I knew his history. I knew I could lose him at any time. A month before my birthday he called and told me it was back. The cancer was worse than before and they didn’t think he would make it. He was what held me together. I lost Chris 3 weeks later. I totally went nuts. I drank more and took chances that I knew would hurt me or kill me if they went bad. I turned into a 16 year old who now had a license. I now had a broader scope of shit I could get into and I did.

About this time I was working with my mom helping to take care of an elderly lady. I worked nights on the weekends. One night my mother called to ask me something that rocked my world and brought me to my knees. She said my baby brother had told her he had been sexually abused by my oldest brother. She asked me if I believed him. I said yes. She said really? I said yes. She said she didn’t know what to think. She kept after me asking why I believed him. I finally snapped and said because the bastard did it to me. She went silent and started to cry. She then said she would see me when I got home. I died inside that night.

What happened next? It all came to a breaking point for me. I lost Chad. I lost Chris. I failed my little brother. I was supposed to protect him. I should have told. I hated myself, I hurt, I wanted to die. So, on a cold November night I stole my dad’s gun. I made a few phone calls saying goodbye. Leaving messages when I knew they wouldn’t be home. I wrote a note for my family and hid it so they wouldn’t find it too soon. I drove out to the lake. I decided to do it. This was my last day on earth. I was tired of all the pain I felt, all the self hate and guilt I had burning me inside. Today, I would find peace. I would find absolution.

What stopped me? Well, there I was sitting on the same log Chris and I use to with a bottle of Jack in one hand and the .44 caliber handgun in my lap. I heard a noise and looked around and there stood Chris’s sister. She had tears pouring down her face and was out of breath. She just kept gasping the word Don’t. At first I was so pissed and yelled at her to leave. She kept saying no. She started talking saying that Chris wouldn’t want me to do this; how mad he would be at me for giving up, for giving in. She told me how much it would hurt her if I did this. How bad it would hurt my family. I kept saying I didn’t fucking care. I was so tired of the pain. I was tired of the guilt. She got me to talk….well, more like pace and yell what was going on in my head. I yelled and screamed the most horrendous things that had been done to me. All the while I kept drinking and waving the gun around. I put it to my head and she would yell Don’t! We went through this numerous times. I was crying when I fell to my knees drained, drunk, done. I put the gun to my head, just behind my ear, like Chad. She kneeled in front of me and said if I was going to do this she was going to stay with me so I would die alone. I cocked the gun and stared into her eyes, tears pouring down both of our faces and she whispered one last time “Please, Don’t”. I started to squeeze the trigger and looking into her eyes I saw the hurt and disappointment; I saw that she believed she had failed her brother. It broke me. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cause her this pain. I couldn’t leave her with the pain of failure, of the guilt that would eat at her. Her pain was my savior that night. I lowered the gun and she took it from me and tossed it away and we clung to one another crying for what seemed like forever. We talked for hours. She helped me see that while my pain was real and valid, killing myself would cause more pain to all those I knew and loved. How that, maybe, someday I would help someone by talking about my pain. That’s the night I quit drinking. I went home, put the gun back and told no one till now about that night.

What happened after all that? Well, mom and dad put me in counseling for the years of sexual abuse. I want for almost a year before I was strong enough to face down my abuser. I asked him to meet me at a park and yelled and screamed at him how I hated him. What a dirty, mother fucking, asshole he was to hurt me and our little brother. He stood and took it all. He never gave one excuse for what he did. He only agreed with me and kept saying sorry. I walked away lighter, feeling no longer a victim. The transformation to being a survivor had begun. By the time I turned 18, I had learned he was abused by others himself. He never had gotten help before mom put us all in counseling. For years I avoided him except at family get togethers. When I was 20 I saw how he was punishing him self; slowly killing himself by eating himself to death. To complete my journey to a survivor I forgave him and told him while I hated what happened I still loved him and didn’t want him to die.

In my early 20’s I smoked enough pot to probably get a whole third world country high, had a disastrous 1 1\2 year marriage, finally accepted who I was, came out, and met my life partner. I quit smoking pot for her. She is the reason I live now. She’s my reason to fight, my reason to stick around when the pain is too much.

What is my point in telling you all of this? Remember, I am you and you are me. So listen closely. If you are here reading my journey, you yourself are a survivor. It doesn’t matter if our stories are exactly the same. You are here and made it through your own storms. Faced your demons and came out the other side. Yes, it will have left scars. Yes, the demons will come back and bite us in the ass sometimes. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, it will feel so real that you’d swear you are right back in that hell. Nightmares, fear, and tears will happen. However, sit them demons down, have a drink with them, get to know them again. Then let them fuckers know they will not rule your life. You are a bad ass warrior! You have faced the fire, looked into the abyss and came home each time. You are strong enough to handle this. If not reach out your hand and I will be there. I will not let you sit in the abyss with a gun to your head. I will walk beside you, sit with my arm around you, wipe your tears, anything. You just have to reach out. I’ve got your back! I am you and you are me; we are one and the same. Together we will conquer, we will survive, we will become stronger warriors. We will win!