By Tardsie

In which we strive for greater cross-cultural understanding.

Disclaimer: This video contains a slur, uttered without any venom. It also contains several words from a foreign language depicted as meaning something other than what they actually do, and that’s probably racist. You’ve been warned.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

Why We Cry on Planes~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

By Smaktakula

Please. That Is SO 1998.

Humanity is no stranger to hate. Throughout its long and bloody history, Homo sapiens has always managed to find a worthwhile reason not just to oppose another group’s political and social agenda, but to despise and fear the individuals who comprise the group. For every enmity there is an excuse–politics, the Indian-Pakistani conflict over Kashmir; sexual identity, as in various parts of Africa or North Korea where homosexuality is too greatly feared as an abstract concept to even be acknowledged; religion, such as the recent attempts by Islamists to slaughter heretics and infidels worldwide to prepare for the coming of the New Caliphate; and so many, many more.

You Wouldn’t Be The First To Try. However, They’re Surprisingly Resilient.

However, instead of hating gays, black people or what-have-you, what if we came up with an entirely new group of people to fear and mistrust–one previously tolerated by society? The members of the newly-despised group would necessarily have to represent a smallish selection of the overall population–hating on a majority population is ultimately counterproductive (see South Africa, Apartheid and). Ideally, the new group of disadvantaged citizens would be made promptly aware of their denigrated status, so that they could appreciate the inevitable hate-crimes perpetrated against them, and not believe them to be random acts of violence.

No, This Is MY Lawn, And It Isn’t Going To Mow Itself.

We’d like to suggest a few exciting possibilities for the new object of societal derision, each of which should be perfectly suitable. A great place to start is with groups displaying interests or tastes outside the societal norm, like beekeepers, guys with comb-overs or fans of Rascal Flatts. Disparaging any or all of these groups will add more panels to the ever-growing quilt that is contemporary bigotry.

We Understand That Most Of These ‘People’ Are Born With Vestigial Tails.

Even if soon-to-be-vilified group has yet to be determined, Promethean Times has already devised a great new epithet for the eventual choice: Digleroes (singular, Diglero). Try this: Just look at those fucking digleroes. Ever since they moved into the neighborhood, everything stinks like honey.

What A Fucking Diglero.

Look, we’re not bigoted, it’s just that we’ve got OUR neighborhoods, and the digs have THEIR neighborhoods. ∞ T.

By Tardsie

Is It Hate Speech To Point Out That It Kinda Looks Like The Flag Of A Third-World Nation? ‘Cause If It Is, We Won’t Say Anything.

I have a hard time getting my head around the idea of gay pride.

Wait, wait–before anybody gets his leather panties in a bunch and starts filling my mailbox with rainbow-hued death threats, let me do my best to explain–and please refrain from calling the tolerance cops in the meantime. For those individuals constantly on the lookout to take umbrage (and there are a lot of them these days), just keep walking–there’s nothing for you to see here. I’m by no means disparaging the notion of being proud of one’s homosexuality, just trying to understand it. Ultimately, I’m cool with anything that gives an individual a sense of identity, community and purpose if it’s not hurting anybody. Happy people make life better for everyone.

This Is The Point At Which The ‘Identity, Community & Purpose’ Thing Starts To Break Down.

And it’s not like there aren’t people out there prouder of stranger things. There are men–grown men!–who are proud of things as ridiculous as toy trains, model soldiers or belt-buckles. In Alabama, many young married couples take great pride in choosing spouses from outside their immediate families. I can’t pretend that I understand these things, but I appreciate the very real happiness they bring to people who do.

Yes, We’re Even Happy For You. Freak.

For this reason, while I’m ‘for’ gay pride (in that I’m not against it; I am a study in ambivalence), I’m afraid I’ll never really understand it. I think this is because my only basis of comparison is my own heterosexuality, of which I am most definitely not proud. Quite the opposite, in fact–I’m actually a little ashamed of it, if I’m being honest. I mean, when I think back on the moments in my life of which I’m least proud–times when I was manipulative, dishonest or just plain stupid–if I examine them closely, I see that my heterosexuality was behind every one of them.

Because If There’s One Thing We’ve Learned In Life, It’s That The Ladies Love A Dude Who Isn’t Afraid To Play By His Own Rules.

So maybe the gays* know something we don’t.

It Absolutely Is. Likewise, It’s Also Okay For Us Not To Care Very Much.

*Just having a little fun with the “the”, folks! We’re just tickled that adding a simple article to a word stops conversation faster than a fart in church. ∞ T.

By Smaktakula

As sticky keyboards across the globe will attest, some guys have a thing for lesbians–or more properly, for lesbian sex. These imaginative fetishists notwithstanding, the supposed sexual fixation straight men are said to have with the bedroom goings-on of gay chicks is largely a media creation. However, the affection many straight males feel for gay women is often underestimated, and goes well beyond mental spank flicks involving silicon-swollen lipstick lesbians.

The thought of Portia de Rossi-DeGeneres groping a Silence of the Lambs-era Jodie Foster is titillating for the 75-90 seconds it takes to shake loose such thoughts. Remaining in their stead is a clear-headed appraisal of the myriad reasons to like lesbians, not least because of their many dude-like qualities.

“Are You Deaf Or Just Stupid? I Didn’t Say Lovie Smith *Created* The Cover 2 Defense. But C’Mon, He Was The Fucking Linebackers Coach For Tampa Bay During The Dungy Era. You’re A Moron If You Think He Wasn’t A Big Part Of That.”

Hey guys, that was Mick on the phone–she and Chris are on their way with beer and pork rinds. ∞ T.

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Many Soldiers Have Served Under Gay Commanders With Great Satisfaction.

With the repeal of the cowardly “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” now at hand, America is finally forced to come to grips with the notion of openly gay people serving in the military. Our position on homosexuals serving in the military–or in doing anything anyone else does–is as follows:

Won’t ask. Don’t Care.

Gay Men In The Navy? WHAAAAAA?!?

Seriously, the gender of the person you sleep with is the least interesting thing about you.

A gay couple gets married? Don’t care.

Lesbians decide to adopt a child? Don’t care.

A gay man for president? Don’t care.

Gay people upset because Promethean Times pokes fun at them? Don’t care. ∞T.

By Smaktakula

Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay? The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.

Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.

In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities. San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.

SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.

This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment. Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today. This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.

It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.

Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life. The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.

Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.

By Smaktakula

The Love Between Two Inanimate Objects Can Be As Powerful As Any Other Love.

Longtime roommates Bert & Ernie may have to answer some uncomfortable questions about their relationship. Although speculation regarding the nature of the Muppets’ relationship has been rife since their debut in 1969, both Bert and Ernie have remained silent amount the matter, saying that theirs is a children’s show, and that while they staunchly support an individual’s right to his or her own sexuality, the pair considers the issue inappropriate for Sesame Street.

This Only Adds Support To Smaktakula's Belief That Sharing Is Totally Gay.

That’s not good enough, says Lair Scott, a homosexual activist with too little in his life to keep him busy. Life is tough for gay people, Scott asserts, particularly for the young. However, Scott believes that if Bert and Ernie were to proudly queer the air, all that would change overnight. He’s started a petition demanding that Children’s Television Workshop out the long-time friends.

He's Deluded If He Thinks The Coming Out Of A TV Puppet Will Spare Him An Adolescence Replete With Beatings.

Whatever choice the closeted duo ultimately makes will be the right one. CTW has nothing to prove, and doesn’t need to force these characters to come out to demonstrate to the world their tolerance. The publicly-funded organization has repeatedly demonstrated its belief that love has no color or shape, and that if you get him drunk enough, a frog will fuck a pig.

You've Heard The Old Saying: Once You Try Swine, Nothing's Ever So Fine.