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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Why it is better to be Not Nice

This morning I got stuck on an elevator with a lady who I shall forever call Douche Canoe. It was my own fault, really. I was in the elevator and saw her coming and held the door until she got there.

Now let me tell you why I am usually not nice like that.

Douche Canoe: when's that baby due?

Jennepper: oh, June...

Douche Canoe: you got twins in there?

(ha. Haha. Muahahaha!)

Jennepper: * eyeroll, discontinue eye contact. *

Douche Canoe: bet you hope it comes early!

Jennepper: * death stare until elevator door opens and she shuffles along to be Douch Canoe-y until 5 *

And, fin.

Perfect choice of words on her part, don't you think?

Given the opportunity I could have dropped a woe bomb on her. An atomic woe bomb, complete with a "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" aftershock.

Next time, maybe. I already decided to fake a contraction any time someone asks if I'm going to have that baby RIGHT NOW CUZ U IS BEEG!

"You got twins in there?"

"Ha! No, but funny story. Last year I really was pregnant with twins and one of them died the night before my scheduled c-section! And then? And then!!!!!! The other one was delivered alive at 32 weeks has never left the NICU because her lungs are so premature that she can't breathe without a machine! 384 days but who is counting, right? Haha! So I think I will pass on the whole early thing and just go ahead and carry this one full term. But yeah, you are super adorable for asking and also I hope your day is just swell."

Right or wrong, I enjoyed telling irritating people that I wasn't pregnant. Especially when there was no possible way there was anything other than a baby going on in there. I enjoy making things awkward for others when they tick me off. At the time, I called it hormones. Now that my son is 2, I think that just might be my attitude.

See, I actually stopped holding back on the douche-canoes because they need to know why they shouldn't say that shit. You should have given her the uncensored response you posted here, followed by a cheerful, 'Have a nice day!'

What a phuckin' b*tch. If you send me the name and address of where you work, along with this douche b*tch's identifying details, so I can come deliver a proper verbal ass-kicking that will ruin her life and lead to years of therapy that not even the best meds can touch?

Really, please, let me. Put me in coach, put me in! I only live a few hours away, and would be glad to handle this.

Omg, I SO WISH you would have said just that! I had two miscarriages before having my daughter and I wanted to throat punch every. single. person who said "well, at least you can get pregnant" or some other idiotic iteration of that.

Sometimes people really need to be put in their place and it feels soooo good when you're the one to do it.

Oh wow. Yah when people would complain about being SO uncomfortable towards the end and then would say you know how it is. I would say "actually I don't. Brayden came at 32 weeks. And I would much rather be in your shoes then deliver my preemie baby." And that shut them up. I'm not sure I would have been able to keep my mouth shut if I had been in that situation.

DO IT. I did it this weekend and it felt so good. The plumber told me that he wants to switch two of his girls for one boy. And he told me that we ought to have a boy, so I told him we did, but he died. And it was nice how quickly he shut up.

Oh so 'douce canoe' is the technical term for one of these! I had one of these, when I went to register the birth of my little boy, the registrar asked me if I was sure I had just one, that I wasn't hiding a twin anywhere. To which I wanted to howl "NOOOOOOO that was the PREVIOUS pregnancy, which was twins and one died so I'm hiding a twin pretty Goddamn permanently now aren't I!? Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much for reminding me about that!" And if anyone had ever asked me if I wanted to deliver a baby early I would probably gouge their eyes out. If I was on the jury you would get the clear for aggravated assault from me. So sorry that you were not more justly rewarded for your niceness! x

Yeah. People almost always mistake douche-canoe-ism for "pleasant chit-chat". You can bet your buttcheeks that she went right to her desk and complained to someone about the b!tch in the elevator. You know what? Good for you. I raise a toast to all the b!tches in the elevators, all over the world. We shall inherit the earth, and it will finally be free of douche canoes! (Next time, go for the throat punch. Nothing says "f*ck off and die you douche canoe" like a throat punch).

On about the second comment, I would have either started my woe story, in a very serious, educational tone...or burst into tears. But, here's an idea for you - should you run into her again, you can dramatically burst into tears then. Then every time you see her, you could burst into tears. And someone else could explain to her what an idiot she is.

Also, never hold the elevator because sharing the equivalent of 2 bathroom stalls with others is invariably awkward.

I have found that these people are everywhere, and make strange (I won't say rude, because I'm not sure they know they're being rude) comments no matter how big or small you are while pregnant. I carried very high, and very far back - so I looked much smaller than I really was. I got comments all the time about being too small for being x months pregnant, and people would imply that there was a problem. "Are you sure you're only x months pregnant? Is everything OK?" My mom would try to say that these people were paying me a compliment, but really? My response became, "yep - pretty sure I'm x months pregnant considering we know the minute he was conceived after 2+ years of trying to get pregnant and 3 rounds of IVF. And yes, he's perfectly healthy and is actually bigger than he should be at this stage." That got me silence and self-satisfaction every single time.

Good for you for maintaining control. I find that hard to do after dealing with these types of people day-in and day-out. At least she didn't touch your belly - that would have been even worse.

Okay, you are seriously a saint because I literally would have ripped that bitch a new one! Some people have such nerve! Ugh! That story makes me angry for you. Douchey-canoe doesn't even begin to cover it.

...and now I need to go sit down until my blood pressure recovers, ha ha. :)

I learned a very long time ago that expecting strangers to know what is going on in my life is silly. I used to become offended when people would say things about babies because I dealt with IF. Now that I've chosen to remain childfree (and am very vocal about my decision to do so) I still get stupid comments. But I don't get upset anymore because the only person that hurts is me. In this instance, this woman was probably just trying to make polite conversation with you and you walked away upset enough to blog about it while she probably didn't even think anything of it afterwards. When I stopped letting others control my feelings I quickly learned real happiness and joy.....and the overwhelming desire to remain childfree, but that's a story for another day!

I think your hypothetical response is absolutely perfect!!! I once lost it on a total stranger in Kohl's who was giving me crap because I wouldn't let her touch my babies. I launched into the entire "they born 15 weeks early, their sister didn't survive" story and she practically ran away. It was worth it.

you have every right to have donkey punched/junk punched/plain punched the nosey elevator chick.

congrats on your fourth girl!

you look awesome...the nosey elevator chick doesn't know huge...you look perfectly within the realm of normal with a side of small. i had people asking me about the number and the due date starting around six months, but i was SERIOUSLY huge. i didn't gain any measly 4 pounds or even 30 pounds. no, i went straight for the 60-pound weight gain. it wasn't pretty. you, my dear, ARE pretty.

btw, i am behind on your blog and catching up and that's why you are getting random responses to this one post.

How incredibly insensitive. It's amazing how blunt and rude people are. I just recently found your blog, but I am enjoying it so much. My husband and I are struggling with infertility. It's been such a painful road. Best wishes to you and your little ones.