‘Tis the season to make New Year’s Resolutions. Hmm. I recently found my 2009 New Year’s Resolutions list stashed in my Christmas decorations box. It gave me a case of the guilts. My report card? Well, it’s a mixed bag.

Judith’s 2009 Resolution List

#1.Work out every other day.So, you ask, did you work out regularly? I am now giving you the same look I give my dental hygienist when she asks if I am flossing regularly. That is a very personal question, I say by way of a raised eyebrow (since my mouth is full of her gloved hands which I am tempted to bite). After all, she has the plaque-covered proof right in front of her – she’s just trying to catch me in a fib, and lucky for her, I’m not biting. (Report Card Score:C)

#2. Start the diet. Uhh … what diet was that? Thankfully I kept that one vague, and didn’t tack on any start dates. The year 2009 isn’t quite over, so if I eat just 12 calories a day for the next week, I may yet get #2 back on track. Ha ha. (Score: D)

# 3. Try something new. Yes! I absolutely did try kayaking. Once. And I only hurt myself (and the instructor’s kayak) a little bit. See Kayaking for Klutzesfor details on my #3. Tip: When drafting resolutions, never write “LEARN” something new – which would require actually getting good at it. Write “TRY” to leave yourself wiggle room. (Score: B)

#4. Start a novel. Yes!! I get double points on this one – because, to my delight, I actually started writing TWO novels in 2009! (Score: A and A, which must equal A+. ) That helps cancel out my C and D!

#5. Start a blog. Another yes! I’ve managed to post here every Wednesday since I launched MillarLITE in July 2009 – and I’ve had so much fun with that one. Your comments and e-mails tell me you’ve had fun too. I’m so glad! (Score: A)

Overall, I’m scoring myself a B for 2009 – and calling it a very good year! Now I’m staring down 2010, and I know for sure what comes first on my list:

Judith’s 2010 Resolution List

#1. Finish writing
the novel.

That’s a biggie – and it really matters to me to pull off an A on that one next year. I’m starting to realize that means some things will have to go. The kayaking and exercising I can easily set aside – but, since I already have, I know I won’t save much time there! Sadly, I’ve decided my weekly MillarLITE blog must be “backburnered” so I can immerse myself in my novel and short stories, and ready them for publication.

Announcing a hiatus always hurts (I’ve had surgery for a hiatus hernia, and the word “hiatus” is synonymous with OUCH in my dictionary!). I have loved making myself – and my readers – laugh via MillarLITE. My serious writing projects matter to me too (and they’re often humorous as well), so my 2010 focus will be on finishing them for you and others. Thank you for letting me brighten your Wednesdays here! … and may you score A+ on all your 2010 Resolutions!
Wishing you and yours …

P.S. I treasure my readers. If you want to be notified when I’m back at blogging – or when my novel and short story collections will be available – drop me a quick e-mail and I’ll add your name to my “never-to-be-shared-with-spammers-or-anybody-else” notification list. judy@judithmillar.com.P.P.S. If you’d be interested in purchasing “MillarLITE” blog posts in book form, please let me know. If there’s sufficient demand, I’ll scout out a publisher.

I spent three hours in the shopping mall yesterday. Well, two and a half hours in the actual mall – I’m sure I lost a half an hour circling the parking lot in search of a spot. When I finally got inside it was more of the same – weary shoppers circling aimlessly, a glazed look in their eyes. It may be more blessed to give than to receive, but deciding what to give can be downright stressful.

Generally, I think shopping is more stressful for women – particularly for the perfectionists among us who labour to find “just the right gift.” This particular stressor does not seem to affect the average male – or the particular kayaker I live with. Most men don’t seem to mind leaving their shopping till the last minute – or letting their wives take the lead in gift decision-making. I’m pretty sure the three Wise Men wisely let their wives do the shopping for their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Perhaps some men are great gift shoppers; I can only comment on kayak guy. I once mentioned to K.G. that – hint hint – I was hoping for a better lighting system for my dark closet. Kayak guy’s nicely-wrapped gift? A dive lamp. Yup. Here it is.

Track Lighting??

Me: A dive lamp??He: Yeah, it’ll be great.Me: I was picturing something along the lines of a track lighting system.He: But you can shine a dive lamp into the darkest corners. It’s more flexible – and extra bright!

Yes, if a shark is lurking there in back of my cardigans, I can now aim my dive lamp right at its eyeball and blind the sucker before it swallows a mouthful of angora. Those of you with screwed-in-place track lighting systems remain at risk of predators. Come to think of it, I am at equally at risk, since I currently need to replace the batteries in my dive lamp. But I’m not going to mention that to K.G. – you recall what happened previously (if not, see You Got Me What?).

Finding the perfect gift is always a challenge. Good luck with finding just the right gifts to fit those on your shopping list – and remember that, when it comes to love and laughter, one size fits all!

P.S. Thanks to all who voted for MillarLITE in the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards. We placed sixth in the “Humour” category. Unfortunately only the top five contenders go on to the finals – it’s done strictly by vote count – so MillarLITE just missed the mark. But we had fun, and that’s what it’s all about!

Last week’s post about automated ladies and other terrors of technology got me thinking about related electronic gripes. Topping my “love to hate it” list is junk mail. Even though I supposedly have Spam filters in place, one of my e-mail accounts is particularly prone to receiving bizarre offers. In recent weeks I have received congratulatory e-mails with the following subject lines:

You have qualified to attend Forensics School!What, I wonder, would have identified me as a prime candidate for forensics school? The fact that I wrote a term paper on Egyptian mummies in Grade Six? The fact that I have watched a few episodes of CSI since then? Will the fact that I faint at the sight of blood prove to be a career impediment? Duh, maybe. Delete.

Your credit application has been approved!There’s a time-saver. I didn’t even need to apply, and the cash is practically on the way. I wonder if the 34% interest rate will get to be a drag? Darn. Delete.

Congratulations! You have won laser eye surgery!Finally, something I can use! I do have cataracts developing, along with a couple of pesky floaters in my right eye. Why not just expose my precious retina to a “doctor” who does drop-in house calls via Spam?? Nah. Delete.

Romance awaits! We’ve found your ideal mate!!Hmm. This is going to be news to Kayak Guy. I don’t recall asking anyone to scout around for me, but I can’t help wondering what my “ideal” mate is like. If he’s not a kayaker, maybe I could actually walk through my garage – it wouldn’t be filled with a kayak up on jacks being refinished.

Maybe he looks like Brad Pitt, with a bank account to match? Or maybe he’s Latin – he could teach me to tango! Hmm. Wait … it sounds like K.G. is calling to tell me he’s just cooked me another great dinner, and it’s on the table. Delete. Empty Trash.

MillarLITE is in the running for the best humour blog in Canada! If you enjoy MillarLITE, you have until Dec. 12 to vote to help move it into the finals. Voting is easy. Go hereto find MillarLITE in the list of “Humour” blogs. Click the tab to its right, and rank MillarLITE 1st. Click “vote” at the bottom of the screen, and click to confirm. THANK YOU!

If you have any “clicks” left in you, MillarLITE is also nominated in the best “New” blog category … and four individual posts have been nominated in best “Blog Post” category. You can find all categories – including Humour – listed here.) A blog needs lots of support to win, so please vote early and often!!

If there’s one thing I hate to hear, it’s an automated voice at the other end of the phone assuring me how much I matter to her … then telling me to choose one of the next nine menu options so she can figure out how to “redirect my call.” I’ve written a spoof entitled “The Automated Lady” which I present at my readings, and I’ve found I am sure not alone on this. The “automated lady” is one lady we all love to hate!

There is no way to retaliate against her sugary-sweet reminder that her menu options have changed so I should listencarefully (instead of pounding zero like I’m doing.) How can I respond to a melodically mechanized voice that tells me she “doesn’t recognize” my response, after I have been hollering “Accounts, please” for a full minute? And why am I even saying “please” to an automated lady!? To release my frustration, I have taken scribbling on pictures of automated ladies. It is therapeutic. I highly recommend it.

Now if I could just find therapies for some of the other things in life that bug me. Like e-mail. I actually like e-mail, and find it an efficient way to keep in touch. However, the other day I fired up my laptop, and it commenced to download 960 – that’s right, nine hundred and sixty! – e-mails. All were duplicates of e-mails I have previously received, which I assume some rascal out in cyberspace decided to dump down in one clump in order to brighten my day.

Sorting this out will require – you guessed it – a phone call to tech support, necessitating another run in with some automated lady! Aggghh. Even if I manage to clear her various hurdles and get through to an actual tech specialist, in my experience said “techie” is often unable to resolve my problems. Then comes the dreaded question: “May I put you on hold for a minute?” Off he (or she) prances to confer with a supervisor (or share in the office pizza which I suspect was just delivered).

Good news! The nominees have been announced, and MillarLITE is in the running for the best humour blog in Canada! If you enjoy MillarLITE, your vote can help move it into the finals. Voting is easy. Go hereto find MillarLITE in the list of “Humour” blogs. Click the tab to its right, and rank MillarLITE 1st. Click “vote” at the bottom of the screen, and click to confirm. THANK YOU!

If you have any “clicks” left in you, MillarLITE is also nominated in the best “New” blog category … and four individual posts have been nominated in best “Blog Post” category. You can find all categories – including Humour – listed here.) First round voting is allowed until Dec. 12, and a blog needs lots of support to win, so please vote early and often!! Take a look around the categories, and you’ll discover some other great blogs too! I’m a Quick Brown Fox fan myself (to vote for QBF, go to “Culture and Literary“).

There’s an e-mail being passed around the internet suggesting people can use onions to combat the flu. Apparently an unpeeled onion can absorb flu virus and bacteria. The article advocates buying some onions and, without removing the dried outside layer, placing them in bowls around your home. This décor tip obviously will not make you the Martha Stewart of your block – but then again, if Martha comes down with chills and fever and you don’t, you will have the last laugh while she hacks away in her colour-co-ordinated mansion.

I’m not advocating skipping your swine or seasonal flu shot, but I can’t see how a little backup onion therapy could hurt. After all, a footnote in the same article states authoritatively that onion and garlic “saved many from the black plague years ago.” I don’t want the black plague and I know you don’t either, so don’t dismiss this onion thing out of hand … as I tried to tell Kayak Guy, when he inquired into our updated, onion-themed décor.

K.G. isn’t buying in. Maybe because he’s still ticked about the honey. I had read on the internet that honey can help with minor burns and sinusitis. Just coat the burn with honey, it said. So when K.G. complained about his sinuses, I suggested the same approach. Turns out the honey was supposed to go into some warm tea. Who knew?

After all, my friend Lovera had previously passed me an e-mail which advocated swabbing your nostrils each day with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water. Apparently this can “bring down the viral population” and help prevent any H1N1 molecules that might have attached in there from proliferating. K.G. happened to spot me with a swab stuck in each nostril. Not my best look, I admit. But if it makes the bad bugs back off, I’m up for an occasional salty swab.

Which is more than I can say for K.G. Even when his Kayak Ear was bothering him, he wouldn’t hear of using olive oil, which I was sure I’d read about on the Net as an ear remedy. Or maybe it was yogurt? No, the yogurt was for thrush. I’m not sure what thrush is, but I’m stocking up on fruit-bottom, just in case. I’d suggest you do the same. And while you’re at the store, don’t forget the onions for your coffee table display. An ounce of prevention . . .

What home remedies do you recommend? (I can’t wait to try them out on K.G. :) )

I am a dog person. Before all you cat lovers write in on behalf of your furry felines, let me say clearly: I am not anti-cat – I am only anti-itchy eyes, which I get whenever I pet a cat. Hence I am definitely a dog person. Plus – as someone once noted – DOG is GOD spelled backwards, whereas CAT is TAC, which means nothing, so I think dog lovers may be on the winning side of this particular argument. I’m just saying.

Biker in his leather jacket

Unlike me, my dog Biker does hate cats. It goes way beyond the itchy eye thing with him. However Biker is not a targeted racist – he takes equal offence at rabbits, quail, squirrels – pretty much any kind of critter that happens to cross his path while we are out for our walks. Me? There is only one kind of critter that gets my dander up – it walks on two legs, and has its own pooch on a leash. It is the “Non-Pooper-Picker-Upper.”

I am an upstanding dog owner – meaning I stand upright until I need to stoop and scoop. Then I faithfully stoop, scoop, and carry my Biker’s baggie back home for disposal. Responsible dog owners do. But there is always an NPPU to give the rest of us a bad name.

In my neighbourhood, one “Mr. X” (so-called because X marks the spot you do not want to step in) has taken to walking his little dog, Buttons (an alias, for purposes of this blog) along my daily route. Buttons is darling, as cute as a – well, you know. But Mr. X is not into picking up little Buttons’s “buttons.” Which are not that little, I might add. I have been “buttoned” on more than one occasion.

What’s more, neighbours have begun to notice the “button” accumulation, and are giving me and Biker the evil eye. Which is just wrong. There is no confusing Buttons’s buttons with Biker’s – Biker’s are more … well, let’s not go there. I suppose neighbours can’t be expected to know that. Still, in order to safeguard my dog’s honour, lately I’ve been forced to do double duty. Many’s the day I arrive home with one relieved dog and two smelly baggies.

It’s a small price to pay for being a dog owner and a good neighbour. Oh, I love both dogs and cats. It’s the NPPU’s I’d like to teach a few tricks. Or just sink my teeth into.

Where do you stand in the “dog” vs. “cat” debate? (hopefully not on a button!)

P.S. There’s still time to nominate all your favourite blogs in the Canadian Blog Awards. You have until Nov. 21 to “click in” your nomination. To nominate MillarLITE in the “Humour” and “Best New Blog” categories, just copy the URL at the top of this screen, and paste it down in the nomination form. Fill in the other boxes, click and you’re done. Thanks for that!

Today is Remembrance Day – or, depending on where in the world you are reading this, you may say Veterans’ Day. There is nothing funny about the enormous sacrifices that have been made on our behalf; those very sacrifices allow us to enjoy the good life, love and laughter that we are privileged to enjoy each and every day. I hope you paused today to count your blessings; many came at great cost.

I’m all for designating special days so we “remember to remember” what really matters. The “special day” thing seems to be getting out of hand, though. The other day I stumbled onto a website that lists bizarre and funny “holidays” by month – there’s one for almost every day of the year.

Did you know you’ve just missed National “Men Make Dinner” day? This apparently happens every November 5th. You may want to make note of that for next year. For me, there’s no need. In our house, Kayak Guy mostly makes dinner, which has a lot to do with why we eat as well as we do. You may recall I mentioned in Julie & Julia & Judith that cooking is not my forté. Or even my mediocreté.

Do I know I am a pampered princess? I do. And seeing the mention of national “Men Make Dinner” day reminded me that I do not thank Kayak Guy often enough for his ongoing culinary efforts. So last night I made a point of praising every item on the plate. His reply? “HUH?”

It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate being appreciated. It’s just that Kayak Guy is suffering from Kayak Ear. He’s been practising kayak rolls – learning to right himself by purposely flipping over – and he neglected to wear his ear protection. He now has water in the ear – and an inability to hear compliments (or complaints, for that matter). I have so far resisted the urge to say “nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, that’ll teach you!” – mostly since rubbing it in isn’t as much fun when the victim can’t actually hear you. I hope he’ll be able to hear how much I enjoyed last night’s pork medallions by next Tuesday, when his antibiotic has kicked in.

There are some other special days coming up according to the Bizarre Holiday list that you might want to make note of. November 15th is “Clean your Refrigerator” Day. Which I should probably consider “celebrating” since there is something growing in the crisper of my Whirlpool Side-by-Side that is definitely not crisp. November 19th is apparently “Have a Bad Day Day” – I guess for those of us who tire of having folks constantly tell us to “Have a Great Day.”

And looking ahead to next month, I see that December 8th has been designated – or should I say “earmarked”? – National “Take it in the Ear” Day. (I kid you not.) I considered pointing this out to Kayak Guy, but decided he might fail to see the humour. And keeping a happy chef in my kitchen is definitely in my long-term best interest. I know which side my bread is buttered on. It’s all about “remembering to remember” what really matters.

The Canadian Blog Awards are now open. It only takes a few seconds to nominate your favourite blogs. If you enjoy reading MillarLITE, I’d love it if you’d nominate it in the “Humour” and “Best New Blog” categories. Just copy the URL at the top of this screen, and paste it down in the nomination form. Fill in the other boxes, click and you’re done. Thanks for that!

Two weeks ago I mentioned that my short story “The Insomniac” had received the J.K. Galbraith Literary Award. People have been coming forward to offer congratulations (thanks for that) – and also to suggest tips about overcoming insomnia!

I welcome the advice, as I have never been a sound sleeper. One of the most inventive tips was suggested by my neighbour, Margaret. She maintains that you can help yourself fall asleep by touching your thumb to your index finger, and holding it there. Who knew? Apparently she does this nightly, and the next thing she knows, the cock is crowing. (Yes, we have a rooster in our vicinity.)

I tried out this new remedy the other night, and immediately realized I should have asked for more information. I couldn’t remember if my index finger was my pointer finger or my ring finger. I didn’t want to wake Kayak Guy from his kayak dreams to ask him which one was my index finger – he can get testy about things like that – and I hated to turn on the light to look it up in the dictionary. So I decided to cover all bases by touching my thumbs to both my pointer and my ring fingers. I can confirm that this feels awkward. But then I got to thinking maybe it only felt awkward because I was doing it wrong. After all, I am a klutz.

I thought about calling Margaret, but it’s hard to dial without full use of your fingers. Plus, she was probably doing it right, and was already asleep. So I cannot, at this time, endorse the “thumb-index finger” insomnia-prevention technique. (If anyone has any better ideas, we insomniacs are all thumbs – I mean, all ears.)

I can say with certainty that the renowned “counting sheep” technique has never helped me get any shut-eye. Especially not lately. Whenever I picture those bleating little beings launching their woolly little bodies over fences, I always picture them landing– and getting themselves all muddy in the barnyard.

Which gets me thinking about other barnyard critters. Like pigs. Which these days reminds me of swine flu. Which makes me wonder if I have already, somehow, come into contact with the H1N1 virus. Are flu molecules already attached and even now replicating in my nasal passages? They are.I can feel the itching! Is my throat beginning to hurt, just a little, toward the back? I think it is. It definitely is! Now my pulse is racing. Elevated pulse – is that a sign? It IS a sign: a sign that I am, once again, sleepless in Nanaimo – and now, perhaps, another victim of the dreaded swine flu.

It’s October 28, the day we announce the winner in our MillarLITE limerick contest. This was not an easy decision! Entries came in from across town – and across the world! That’s what happens with blogs; the internet is a global community, so readers (and limerick writers) can be anywhere.

Since I knew some of the entrants – and I loved all of the entries – I called in backup judges to help me choose among my favourites. Using blind judging (not blind judges! – they could all see, they just weren’t shown entrants’ names) along with a complex rating system (which I would explain, if I were not mathematically challenged), our judges definitively decided we had a tie. Yikes. Additional judges were enlisted, their votes were tallied, and we STILL had a tie. Then I thought to check names, and realized that Doug Harris had tied with himself! So Doug Harris of Stockton-on-Tees, England, UK is indisputably the winner of our MillarLITE Limerick Contest. Congratulations, Doug!

Because Doug graciously agreed that any of his limericks that made the finalist shortlist could be posted here, readers get to enjoy both limericks. You can decide for yourself which one is your first choice! Here’s one:

The limerick’s known for its wit
And being straightforward – that’s it!
It cuts to the chase
(Well, there isn’t much space)
One might, on my headstone, just fit.- Doug Harris

Well said, Doug! … Now you’ve got me thinking about my own epitaph … “A writer who hailed from Nanaimo, Spent all of her time trying to rhyme-o … Nah … I hope I’ve got a few years left to figure that one out).

Here’s another one by Doug:

A fellow who hailed from Dún Laoghaire
Put forward a wonderful thaoghaire:
Towing Ireland by boat
To the Azure de Côte
Might make weather in summer less draoghaire.- Doug Harris

Some of our judges weren’t sure how to pronounce the Anglicized name of this Irish town on Dublin’s “Riviera,” but if you think “theory” and “dreary” for lines two and five, you’ll get it right. Very clever, Doug!

And lucky us! Our other two finalists also agreed to have their entries posted:

Great fun! Chompy says he’s “somewhere in the Middle East” right now, although he hails from the UK. He’s clearly got the limerick-writing knack, wherever on earth he is. :)

Another finalist from right here in Nanaimo also had fun playing with spellings in our English language:

The foreigner shouted, “Enough!
I’m finding the going too rough
When it comes to spelling
I find it quite quelling
I can’t understand half this stough.”- Deirdre Godwin

Well done, Doug, Chompy and Deirdre! … and thanks to everyone who had fun writing and sharing their witty entries. Doug’s prize – a copy of One Sweet Ride - will soon be winging its way across the Atlantic, and our other finalists will receive an electronic copy of one of my short stories, as thanks for allowing their limericks to be posted. (If you didn’t win, but you’d like to purchase a copy of One Sweet Ride online or via e-mail, just visit the One Sweet Ride website. Shipping starts next week.)

I can’t help it, I just love limericks. Thanks again to all who entered – and a special thanks to Doug, Chompy and Deirdre for making ME smile!

I usually keep the focus on “funny” in MillarLITE, but I can’t resist sharing some exciting news. I was delighted to learn, this past week, that I’ve been awarded the 2009 John Kenneth Galbraith Literary Award for a serious short story I wrote called “The Insomniac.”

Yes, I do write serious material (although I often manage to sneak some humour into my serious writing too). John Kenneth Galbraith was one of the brilliant minds of our time. An internationally acclaimed economist and ambassador, he authored four dozen books and was awarded the Order of Canada in 1997. He also received the American Presidential Medal of Freedom – twice!

To have my name in any way linked with Galbraith’s is, for me, a huge honour; to be the first woman to earn the award since its inception is the icing on my cake! If your computer screen is flickering, it’s because I am jumping up and down in excitement – do not call your internet service provider!

If you want to read “The Insomniac,” you’ll find it posted on the John Kenneth Galbraith site. If you’d rather flip the dial back to funny, I’m fine with that too, because today is the last day for you to submit funny limericks to the MillarLITE limerick contest. You have until midnight Pacific Time today (October 21, 2009) to e-mail your entry (or two, or three) to judy@judithmillar.com.

Just a reminder: while limericks are sometimes bawdy, keep your submissions light, and clean! When it comes to S-E-X, this is as risqué as we get:

A robin complained in her nest:
“I wish he would give it a rest!
I married a leg-man
But now, since the eggs, man,
He’s crazy about my red breast!”

If your limerick wins, you’ll receive an autographed copy of One Sweet Ride, an anthology being released in November, 2009, which contains three of my short stories, along with the poetry and prose of other Vancouver Island writers. And your winning limerick will be posted here, on October 28th! Full contest details here.

I can’t wait to read your limericks. Perhaps you’ll be the one to join me in the winner’s circle!

MillarLITE blog is currently on hiatus while I focus on major writing projects and performance. I hope you enjoy these humorous past posts. I'd love to hear from you (judy@judithmillar.com). Keep smiling! - Judy