If you read my vent thread on detaching you saw that he took the ring he re-proposed to me with without telling me. I asked him about it because even though my first thought was him, I wanted to make sure it wasn't a kid or cat.

I was just using his iPad to do something and I saw that he has been googling the OW. Do you think he took it to give to her? I said on my other thread that I probably shouldn't talk to him anymore. But now I think I should demand the ring when he gets home from work. Should I?

And I got 25 minutes of telling me how horrible I am. How the OW made him feel good so of course he looked her up and all I do is try to beat him down until he is nothing (sorry but I haven't even talked to you in over a month). How all I want to do is take him for all he is worth and how is this for manipulation...he said, "the more you take from me, the less (the kids) will have." According to him I just want to bleed him dry of money and his soul.

All I want is to not be abused. I don't want to be treated like shit anymore. I want a life where I'm not living in fear of what is going on at his job and if he will treat me right. I want my kids to have a healthy happy mother.

I didn't say a word that whole time. I wanted to fight back and tell him, with proof, how he was wrong. But I didn't engage. Now I just want a nap.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick. I just want to slap him upside the head. Multiple times.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15595 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl

TattoodChinaDoll♀ 34602Member # 34602

Posted: 5:57 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013

SI - I'm scared. He is just saying lie after lie. And he is believing them. Especially about what I want from him out of a divorce. He is going to try and ruin me before I do it to him...and I'm not trying to!!!! I think he will try and get custody of the kids just to hurt me. I think he is going to do a lot things to hurt me...just because he thinks I'm going to do it to him. I'm so scared. If I don't have my kids then I have nothing. I don't want his fucking money. My detachment is not to hurt him. It's to save myself. Even though he talks like I've just been waiting for him to come home everyday and tell him off. I swear I barely talk to him! I have a feeling this isn't going to end well for me.

((Tattood))
I wish I could help honey.
I feel so bad for you having to deal with all this and having young children.
Just know I'm sending hugs and a wish for some peace for you.

Divorced 1/3/14 after 31 years of marriage.

Posts: 634 | Registered: May 2011

TattoodChinaDoll♀ 34602Member # 34602

Posted: 6:45 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013

Freaking out freaking out. He took the older two to the movies. Along with taking the ring and looking up OW, he has turned the GPS off on his phone. I texted him to turn it on when he has the kids by himself. Nothing. Texted him again. Nothing. And again. Nothing. Called. He has his phone shut off. I want to know where my children are.

He probably turned off the phone in the movie. I'm not sure why, Tattoo, you've escalated from writing about detachment to fears you'll lose your kids forever in custody divorce dispute, in such a short time today, and for no reason other than he got pissy over taking back the ring you never wanted or wore, anyhow.

You're divorcing him, so is he using a return to OW as a life raft? I don't know. Did you see him Google her or just get the thought and get upset over it? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. The ring? You rejected it, and if he gives to her, then she gets a second-hand rejection ring. But if you divorce, he will date someone if not her That's why when people talk divorce, they should mean it, and not use it as a tactic or to get reassurance of love. Because it really does mean being apart and watching one's spouse move on.

From this a.m. to now, you went from writing about detachment to great fear and distress, and now someone is asking if he might run off with the kids and I worry you're going to meltdown over that, and be distressed, when he's probably sitting in a move and that's all. You need to see a doc about your anxiety, because divorce is all about splitting up, watching ex date others and his future dates will meet the kids, and getting a good health check and medications rechecked will help you through the transition.

The distress isn't good for your health, and not good for your kids to see you going through and for them to worry and feel stressed.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:34 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Posts: 1926 | Registered: Dec 2011

TattoodChinaDoll♀ 34602Member # 34602

Posted: 7:36 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013

I wore the ring. I wanted to reconcile. I tried and tried. I tried communicating with him in many different ways. He is emotionally abusive and played me the whole time. He said he wanted to leave his job and away from OW. He was lying. He was never consistant because he didn't want to be. This isn't something that happened over night, Heavy Sigh. Up until the end of April I was still hanging onto hope. It wasn't until end of May/June when certain things came to light, I was wearing that ring. So almost a year. It's been in the last couple of weeks that I've detached nicely. Again, I don't want him. What I fear is the situation. I think I have every right to be scared when he just spent 25 minutes telling me how horrible I was and how I'm trying to bleed him dry. I have not spoken to the man for more than a total of 3 minutes a day for awhile. I fear he is going to try and "get me" before I "get him". He is spouting lies and he believes them. I don't think he has taken my kids to Mexico but I think I have every right to know where my kids are. I have every right to fear him after what he has said to me.

Again. I don't care who he is doing, seeing, or talking to. I, however, rightly have my opinions about the OW. This has nothing to do with being upset about him moving on. I don't care. This has to do with him thinking that I want certain things from him and that he thinks I'm doing things to destroy him. And the things he has said in the last 2 days that make me worry what he will do to "get me" first.

If you don't fear that he's going to harm the children, then you have to do a really hard thing and calm the flip down.

A hard truth of divorce is that we don't get to control who our children interact with when they are with our WS's. My STBX fools around with prostitutes and a drug dealer. His only friends are other sex addicts. But I can't do a damned thing about the fact that my kids are around these people. Not a damned thing.

It's one of the worst things about divorce, not being able to protect our children from the whacked people our stupid WS's introduce them to.

I think I see where people are confused. I asked about him still seeing the OW in regards to the ring to make sure it it was a good idea to confront him about it. I was asking because I wanted to make sure the right thing was done with the ring. Especially if it will be sold. That the money would go to debt or something else to help the situation. It was not because I was hurt about it. I wanted to make sure asking for the ring so that we can give it to someone to hold on to for now was a good idea or of crickets were.

ETA: and again the things I'm scared of were because of what he said and accused me of and him saying that if that's how I want it (difficult) then that's how it will be. And I didn't do anything!

((Hugs))
deep breaths. I know it is hard but everything NatureGirl said is correct. If you believe your children are safe with him then, as hard as it is, you need to allow him to spend time with your kids and let him decide where he takes them (movies, icecream, OWs house, etc) and just let it go.
I know it's hard... we've been there, and trust me, it will get easier.

Sending multiple texts will just make him ignore you more when he turns his phone back on. Give him space to parent alone.

If he says how horrible you are again... don't respond
NC
NC
NC
unless it about
1. the kids
2. finances
3. D paperwork/timeline

not the past
not past hurts
not past betrayals

Focus on only the present.
After a few months you can start to focus on the future too

((hugs))

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jun 2012

ButterflyGirl♀ 38377Member # 38377

Posted: 8:29 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013

I wonder if she is going to be there. So help me God if that whore is around my children.

This part sucks so hard, but it's going to happen. He is going to date other people and bring them around the children, and so are you..

And I got 25 minutes of telling me how horrible I am.

Walk away. You do not have to listen to that.

he said, "the more you take from me, the less (the kids) will have."

Yeah, I've heard that one tons of times.. Especially about his attorney fees..

All I want is to not be abused. I don't want to be treated like shit anymore. I want a life where I'm not living in fear of what is going on at his job and if he will treat me right. I want my kids to have a healthy happy mother.

Me too.. You will get there when you fully detach and separate from this guy. He will probably still be a dick to you, but he won't be able to hurt you as much or as often..

I wanted to fight back and tell him, with proof, how he was wrong.

Yeah, I've fought back, with proof, tons of times. He just keeps changing the subject, blaming me at every corner. Bringing it back to the subject at hand is nearly impossible sometimes. You can't argue with crazy..

He is just saying lie after lie. And he is believing them. Especially about what I want from him out of a divorce. He is going to try and ruin me before I do it to him...and I'm not trying to!!!!

HE IS GAS LIGHTING YOU. He is TRYING to make you feel crazy. Stop letting him!! I agree your anxiety and paranoia is very high right now. You can have very good reasons for the anxiety, but remember that only YOU control if you are anxious or paranoid. YOU can stop that feeling if you want. The whole point of him gas lighting you is to make you paranoid and feel like you are going crazy. And then when people look at you from the outside, they agree that you look crazy.. Please don't let him do that to you. Find some strength and trust in yourself that you will be able to handle whatever comes along.. You have to be pretty freaking bad to lose custody (if you're my ex you can dunk their heads in the toilet and let them watch rated R movies and spank their asses till they're red and still not lose visitation). Unless you are doing something absolutely horrible we don't know about, there's no way he's going to be able to fully take the kids away from you..

I don't want his fucking money.

Yes you do. It takes tons of money to raise 3 kids; and if he owes you spousal support, then he can cry and bitch all he wants, and he will, but fuck him, he will owe that too. Don't let him make you feel bad for trying to get what you are legally entitled to.. FTG..

I have a feeling this isn't going to end well for me.

He's trying to scare you. This is what emotional abusers do, they try to control how you think and feel and behave. Take your power back from him!!

This has to do with him thinking that I want certain things from him and that he thinks I'm doing things to destroy him. And the things he has said in the last 2 days that make me worry what he will do to "get me" first.

I really can't think of any great advice other than, get an attorney, file for an emergency hearing to get exclusive use of the house, save copies of ALL important documents in more than one place, and get a VAR (voice-activated recorder). When you guys can finally separate, limit your conversations to text and email. Hell, try doing that now. They just can't help themselves and will emotionally abuse you in written form. I hope at the end of this month I will be able to tell you that this kind of treatment will matter at the end of the day regarding custody. I'm betting on it.. He emotionally abuses me via text and email all the damn time, and I really think it's about to bite him in the ass..

You're gonna be okay girl.. Try to remain calm and assertive. You don't have to be passive with him, and you shouldn't be aggressive with him.. Sometimes emotional abusers take assertiveness and accuse you of being aggressive, especially when they aren't used to it, but then they are gas lighting you again.

Try to remain calm. You can handle this..

Just a thought on the ring, when you file for divorce, he can't go selling or giving away marital property anymore. Yes, he might give it to OW, and they might end up together, but what is important is that you protect yourself and your kids first, emotionally and financially.

Don't be scared of him "ruining" you if there is no proof. Start documenting everything. Get a little journal and write things that happened down every day, especially what happened with the kids. Pretend a judge is watching you and try to make all your moves based on that..

I hope I'm being helpful here.. Honestly, I feel like I'm talking to the old me from last year when I was going through the same feelings.. It's going to be okay girl. Just find some strength..

Hugs..

xBW~ 36
Two DS~ 8 and 11
You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.

Posts: 2843 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida

TattoodChinaDoll♀ 34602Member # 34602

Posted: 8:40 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013

Thank you Butterflygirl. That really did help. Sometimes I feel like my vents and me just getting out my worries make people think that I'm going to act on something stupid. I'm just verbalizing my fears so they aren't stuffed inside, I'm not dumb and I'm not blind to things said on SI...I know what I can and can't control. Just because I'm mad about something doesn't mean I think I'm entitled to have my way. I'm just mad. I was hoping to have a job before anything happened but it looks like that won't happen.

Me too. And I think mad is much better than anxious. I like reading his emails and going, "Pshhh, fucking idiot. What an asshole.." He accuses me of the most outrageous stuff, but he's just trying to get me off balance.. If I started believing he was going to do all the things he said he would, I would go nuts. Truth is that he's a lot of bark and no bite. He's a fool for thinking he can outwit, outlast or outplay me.. (Okay, the boys and I like Survivor. Sorry for the stupid reference, lol). Try not to be scared of him as much as annoyed at his stupid tactics..

I was hoping to have a job before anything happened but it looks like that won't happen.

I'm no attorney or financial planner or anyone qualified to give you advice here, but I really think it's okay you don't have a job yet.. I would keep some sort of record that you have been applying. You might be given child support based on your income potential, so you really do want a job, but if you've been a stay at home mom and doing part-time work for a long time, I think that's what a lot of spousal support is for, to give you some help while you get back up there..

Try not to give yourself any excuses for not moving forward with the divorce. This guy is toxic.. I know I held out hope for a little bit, but luckily I had my mom smacking me upside the head, asking me why the hell I was waiting, if I really thought I deserved the treatment he was giving me and if I thought he was ever going to change.. I had to kill that last little bit of hope. Actually, he killed it for me with the way he was treating me. When I finally got rid of that last bit of hope, I was full-on ready to detach and divorce him.. I started caring about myself more than I cared if he fixed himself.. I got so much stronger after I separated and filed, and I think you will too..

I'm not sure if you've consulted with any attorneys yet, but I would start calling around and getting some free consults. I've seen lots of great advice floating around SI on how to choose a good one. I wasted 5 grand on an "amicable" divorce attorney, so I would tell you to try to choose wisely. Choose someone who really understands the type of guy they will be dealing with.. You don't want someone who blows smoke up your butt and tells you to fight for everything, but you need someone smart and experienced in case he doesn't follow the rules.. It may take a while to find the attorney right for you, so I would recommend calling around and meeting some people ASAP.. They really can be your best ally against him..

More hugs..

xBW~ 36
Two DS~ 8 and 11
You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.