Poor Hermione, I know exactly what you're talking about with the feeling sad and it starting to rain. I can see her being very unhappy in a relationship with Harry (I'm a Hermione/Ron shipper). Some things to consider in the future, Viktor is spelt with a k in the book, and I like how you attempted the accent, I find it's easiest to make a list of all the words that would change, which makes it consistent and flows better.
Yikes! Mystery! Who could be watching them??? Harry maybe?
Also, this seems like an extremely awkward dinner, you might want to add in more dialogue or descriptions to enhance the story's flow