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Almost a whole year has passed since I’ve graduated with my master’s degree. That means I’ve been applying for jobs for almost an entire year without any success. I’m starting to wonder if maybe my approach is all wrong. I have all the necessary requirements, yet it always seems there is someone better…or perhaps luckier…who is chosen. So in my last attempt to crack the code, I wrote one final “cover letter,” crossed my fingers, and sent it out into the world. Here she is.

Dear hiring manager:

Rumor has it jobs are pretty hard to come by at the moment, as indicated by our astounding unemployment rate. And while I’m no more than another faceless applicant keeping you from happy hour and droning on about why I want this job, I felt compelled to throw my hat in the ring because I have a master’s degree that I’d like to put to use at some point. At the very least, I have some education to support my candidacy.

I am applying for an open position at your company because I feel I am the best candidate for it. Here’s to hoping you feel similarly. I would love to dazzle you with a carefully crafted letter of an in-depth explanation of all my qualifications, but it’s already listed on my resume and that would be redundant. I can’t imagine how painfully boring your job must be to read hundreds of overly enthusiastic letters from overly confident people who have nothing more to write about than their fancy list of accomplishments.

Nothing that I’ve done or that they’ve done will really distinguish us from the whole lot, unless you somehow found someone whom once was Ryan Seacrest’s assistant, almost got kicked out of Europe, and wrestled a bear. Coincidentally enough, that happens to be me. Okay, I didn’t wrestle a bear. There were bears wrestling each other. But I was a nearby spectator. The optimal word being “nearby.” And the Europe incident was an honest misunderstanding, but that German fellow had no interest in listening to our side of the story until I tracked him down, cornered him in one of the train compartments, and demanded he listen to me. I even threw a few lines of French in there for good measure. So there you have three solid and colorful examples of how helpful, determined, persuasive, and brave I am. Regretfully, I am not fluent in a foreign language, but if you need someone to speak broken French to order food or ask for directions, I’ve got your back.

Seriously though, does anyone even read these? I’m writing this under the assumption that most of the time they’re thrown in the recycling bin, never to play a role in the fate of my selection or, God forbid, rejection. But if you have made it this far, one more skill I’d like to point out are my excellent communication skills. Sure, English is my first language and grammar is an elementary level subject, but since the birth of social media, nevermore have I been alarmingly aware of the general population’s failure to master it.

Other things to consider, which are not included in my resume: I don’t steal other people’s lunches out of the fridge, I have considerably good hygiene, I don’t pop my gum or chew with my mouth open, and I’m an eternally single, male-loathing cynic, free from the distractions of relationships or children, which I know has to count for something because it always comes up in interviews. Now you don’t have to find some clever way to ask without offending me. You’re welcome.

In closing, thank you for considering me for this position. I know I haven’t met you, but I swear I’m not lazy. I have all the capabilities, so hire me maybe?