6 Ways Apple Could “Butch Up” Its Twee, Emo-Hipster Image

Justin Long does Apple’s masculinity quotient no favors—and he’s just one of many somewhat, well, “precious” expressions of the Apple brand. Now, we love Apple just as much as you do, but there’s no escaping the fact that a broad cross-section of Americans associate Apple products with rampant artsy-fartsyism. In other words: Apple says VW Beetle, not Chevy Camaro. Apple says miso-glazed sea bass, not double-bacon cheeseburger. Apple says Moby, not the Crüe.

Macs are from Venus, PCs are from Mars—but has any of Apple’s unapologetic embrace of, umm, “the more sensitive side of computing” been a handicap? After all, Mac market share is improving, iPods rule the audio player universe, and iPhones are the greatest things to happen to anyone, ever.

But what if -- just what if -- the Mac’s, oh I don’t know, somewhat “fancy” image was actually a roadblock -- the single roadblock -- to mainstream acceptance? What if even a small dose of testosterone could convince a legion of basement-dwelling PC users to make the switch?

What if?

I hereby give you six ways Apple could toughen up its delicate corporate messaging.

Give the Stink Eye

Next Mac/PC commercial: Instead of calling him PC, Justin Long just glares at John Hodgman with some kind of secret agenda and repeatedly calls him “Friendo.”

Go Spooky

Let it be known that Apple is working on an extra-secret special technology initiative called The Jericho Project. That’s right, The Jericho Project. It sounds ominous and bad-ass -- special-ops, shadow-government stuff with a crypto-culto juju spin. Never mind the fact that Apple is working on no such technology. Never mind the fact that The Jericho Project is actually the name of a community outreach center that rented space in Mac|Life’s old corporate office building. The name alone sounds cool, and compels one to actually fear Apple, instead of just thinking that Apple would look cuter in bangs.

His head laden with secret access codes and launch sequences, Steve travels nowhere without a full Jericho Project security detail.

Trucks intended to transport “nothing more remarkable than iPhones destined for Best Buy” queue up inside the Apple Compound… err, Campus.

MacExpo 2009 attendees get an extra-special preview. Product details are sketchy, but according to rumor, “Pogue and Mossberg have already seen it, and they think it’s the bomb.”

Next iPod ad campaign: Instead of nouveau-hippie ravers dancing around in a free-love, Ecstasy-induced high, let’s see a silhouette of Sinatra singing “My Way.” Or get Tenacious D—floppy with beer pudge and fueled by consecrated goat blood—to do a metal version of “Ride of the Valkeries.”

Explore Creative Color Correction

There’s no he-cred to be found in product color names like “strawberry” and “tangerine.” The Apple Butchification Initiative suggests color swatches with names like “Imperial Stormtrooper White,” “Prison Tat Blue,” and “Unleash the Dogs of War Red.”

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