A blog to talk about the scientific and emotional aspects of infertility!

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Thursday, May 14, 2015

God, infertility and IVF

I was
introduced to God by my parents at a very young age; perhaps during the time
when I started to imitate my elders. They took me to temples , asked me to keep
my palms together and said, “Ask God that He should take care of you and
protect you”. I repeated what they said without even understanding the meaning
of what I am repeating “God please protect me !”. My parents were very happy
and so were my near and dear ones . They enjoyed the childishness in the words
I uttered. They were pleased that I would grow into a “God-fearing” child. But
I had no idea who God is. I felt happy to be in a temple because I could see so
many different people there; I was excited to repeat what I was told to -
because everyone’s attention was on me and I got lots of appreciation for what
I did. This is how God came into my life. I never knew at that point of time
that this invisible person, whom I will never meet, will shape my life; will
have a strong control over me and will provide me with emotional protection. I
also never knew that He can make me feel guilty and fill me with irrational
fears !

When I grew a bit older, my parents used God as a tool
to control my pranks. They used to say “Manju, if you tell lies God will pierce
your eyes; so do not lie.” I used to get terrible dreams of losing my eye sight
every time I lied. However, the lie saved me from my elder’s anger more
effectively than God would. But the fear that God will punish me remained
etched in my mind.

I was educated in schools run by Christian
organizations. I learned a lot about God there. We had a church within the
school; there were regular prayer meetings and bible studies. In such an
environment, I got to hear the message - “God loves you” , and this was a very
new message for me. I was taught until then that God will protect me from harm
and He will punish me when I do something wrong; but no one told me that God
loves me and I had no insightful thinking to assume that the “super power”loves
me. Those were the times I started to feel closer to God ; I started to treat
Him as my friend. I shared with Him my fears and wants; when I was worried, and
when I could not talk to anyone about what bothered me, I knew where to go. I
went to church, kneeled in front of Him, told Him my worries and asked for
help. When I reached out to Him, my fears appeared less bothersome and I
strongly believed that I would get help. I asked Him help for everything –for
getting good marks, so that my dad wouldn’t get upset; for protecting me from
my teachers’ wrath whenever I failed to do my homework; for giving me the
things I desired; for protecting my mom, dad and sister; for curing my dear
ones - and for many more things ! God became my confidant – He knew everything
about me – each of my secrets. I struggled hard to keep my thinking good – I
was scared that bad thinking would bring forth God’s anger and He would punish
me ! I also learned to seek His forgiveness whenever I did something wrong;
whenever I went against my conscience. I got a lot of relief when I could
repent and get His forgiveness. The bonding I had with Him increased day by day
, and I am sure He loved me unconditionally!

I was taught this prayer during school days – and I can recite it even
now :

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name,
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this
day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who
trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Then came my
teen age years – I was physically and mentally metamorphosing into a new
person. Raging hormones; physical changes; and lots of new, exciting thoughts
and feelings set in. With that came in a lot more guilt ! I became
uncomfortable about the fact that God knew “all”my thoughts. I struggled
between keeping myself pure so that God remains pleased with me , but my “Mills
and Boon”desires seem to pull me away from God many a time ! That was the most
beautiful and highly confused period of my life. I tried hard to keep my
thoughts “blemish free” and concentrated on my studies.

As I grew, I
learned to bargain with God too. I would tell Him “God I will not eat
non-vegetarian food on particular days; I will control my desire to eat it– can
you please make my wish about coming first in this test come true ? “I used to
panic a lot when my mom fell ill; and I always ended up feeling guilty because
I believed that God was punishing me by making my mom suffer because of my evil
thoughts and deeds ! In short, when my thought processes were not fully mature
, I viewed God as a powerful person , who knew everything, including my
innermost thoughts and desires . I believed that if I was good , I would be spared
of His anger and He would bless me by granting me all my desires. This fear of
God acted as a protective shield from many unwanted distractions I encountered
in life. But it also curtailed my rational analyzing power many a time , and
left me with irrational feelings of guilt !

Then came my
college days and a much more mature me. I went to temples whenever I could and
felt very peaceful when I stood in front of Him with my hands folded. I no
longer kept my eyes closed when I prayed to Him. I found happiness looking at
Him; talking to Him just like I talk to a friend - and I started to love Him
too. I felt immense strength when I had Him near me. I prayed to Him frequently
to give me a good future – a good job, a good life-partner and I constantly pestered
Him to make my wishes come true !

Soon I entered
into a period of life where I was well-settled; I found a wonderful
life-partner and was ready to have lots of babies. Life was happy - but I found
to my dismay that I could not get pregnant. I saw that something which was very
natural and easy for others was denied to me. During this time I got a lot of
advises on - which God to pray; what to offer Him; what kind of fasting and
prayers I could do in order to please Him so that I could get my child! I prayed
to God faithfully; swallowed the “prasadams” which was offered to Him - and
fasted as instructed. I got pregnant – but went through a traumatic
miscarriage!

This was when
I was exposed to “life”. My pain made me receptive to other’s pain. I started to
look around and realized that there are many others who suffer more than me.
Suffering leads to “enlightenment”;suffering and pain opens up our mind; it
makes us to search for “truth”. We only learn from adversity in our life – and
what we choose to learn is upto us ! I am sure the “Bodhi tree” stands as an
euphemism for “suffering” - and everyone becomes a little Buddha during some
point in their life when they are faced with grief and agony !

The pain of
infertility was so intense that I did my best to escape from it. The only
reasonable way out, which is within my reach, is to acquire knowledge. When I
say knowledge , it doesn’t mean scientific knowledge alone , but an attempt to
get some rational answers to philosophical questions. Why did this happen to me
? Why did God forsake me ? Why is He making me suffer ? What did I do wrong ?
Why do I have to endure this pain ? Is infertility a punishment ? Why can’t God
help me out ? Why does God bless someone with a baby when they don’t want one -
and when I need one so badly, why is He denying me that happiness ? Why are
unwanted babies created and thrown in dustbins when there are so many people
struggling to have one ? Why are so many children born to people who cannot
even feed them properly ? When many drug addicts and pedophiles can have a baby
without trouble, why can’t I? Why do bad things happen to good people ? I
needed answers; answers which could ease my pain. Whom should I turn to? Where
will I get the answers so that I will find peace of mind ?

When I
carefully analyzed all the questions which arose in my mind, I understood that
God is the anchor and all the questions are connected to Him in one way or
another. I realized that, I will get the needed answers only if I could
understand who God is ! Do I really know the person whom I am depending on all
my life ? Where is He, what does He look like ? Does He really have anything to
do with suffering ? Does He punish us when we do wrong ? Will He wipe my tears
? Does He posses the magical wand to make our reasonable desires (my baby wish
!) come true ? WHO IS HE ?!

Below is my
humble attempt to understand who God is ! I am no expert in religious
literature, although I do try to grasp the crux of what is said in them. This
article is like a baby’s first step , and I hope it doesn’t hurt anyone’s
ideology. I hope I will not get a mail saying I am a blasphemer! The following
definition I developed in my mind about God helped to me to be at peace with
myself - and I hope it helps some of you too.

God is a form
of energy. There is a powerful energy which is operating in this world. We can
understand it when we think about this world’s architecture. In fact, why
consider such complex things –just think about our body and how reproduction
happens. Two minute cells unite to give birth to the most complex living
organism. Being a biologist, I am always bewildered by all the minute yet
complex processes that work in unison to keep us alive- and to create a new
life form ! For such a complex process to work perfectly, there should be a
designer. Doesn’t the accuracy by which this world functions and by which our
body functions demand the existence of an omnipotent designer ? I believe there
is a “super brain” at work behind the complexities and perfectness of life. There
is an unimaginable and unfathomable force that operates in this world and we
call that energy God. Imagine neglecting your home for a few months – the
orderliness of your home will be gone ! Your home needs “you” to keep it in
order ! Likewise , this world needs a “super power” to maintain its
orderliness!

However, that
energy (God) has nothing to do with making us cry or wiping your tears; it has
nothing to do with the sufferings that happen in this world; it has nothing to
do with giving me a baby or not giving me a baby; it is not responsible for our
happiness or sadness. In short, it is an energy which doesn’t operate keeping
an individual’s goodness in mind. It doesn’t even have a mind (thoughts like
humans !), it is just an energy which is dissipated evenly throughout this
world!

Such
magnificent energy cannot be seen but it can be felt. You can feel it when you
immerse yourself in the beauty and magnificence of nature. You can feel it in
the kindness which people show you and in the love you give others. You can
feel it when you help others - and when they help you. You can feel it , if you
keep your heart open, in the work you do; in the warmth and compassion in this
world; in a baby (any baby - not only in a human baby!); in suffering and pain;
in happiness and joy; in a beautiful smile; in the perfect functioning of our
body ..........in everything, everything ! You can also feel that energy when
it takes a destructive form - in a storm, in a tsunami, in an earthquake. The
same energy which protects this world can destroy it too !

Why is it so;
why do bad things happen ? Why there are natural disasters ? Why there are
diseases, hatred, war, crime ? Why do humans inflict suffering on fellow humans
? Again , it has nothing to do with that energy’s intent. You can use that
energy to help you; to make you a better person; to live in absolute love and
peace; to increase your happiness; and to make this world a better place to
live in. You can also use that energy to destroy your happiness; to destroy peace
and love; to make yourself miserable; and to bring darkness into this world. That
energy which pervades everything actually takes the form of the mind which uses
it.The negative form of that energy is very powerful and dangerous too.
But without its negative form , we will never be able to appreciate its
positivity.

This is why it is said that God is everywhere, in all
life forms. I don’t believe in a God who is ready to wipe my tears; I don't
believe in a God who is waiting to punish when I do something wrong or reward
me when I do something good; I don’t believe in a God who gives me what I
desire; I don’t believe in a God who will come to help me when I am in pain !
All this cannot be performed by God (by that energy)– but humans can do it ,
with the help of that omnipotent, omnipresent energy. Every human takes the
role of God many a time. I see God in the love I get, in the help I receive, in
the warmth and compassion of many fellow beings, I see God in a beautiful
smile, in a child’s happiness and I see God in myself too , many a time.

A Chinese student works with me; I help him in his
work. Few days before he asked me when I am going to India; and I told him
about IVF treatment and so on. I told him when everything goes OK , I will go
very soon for having a FET. Few days later he came to me and said, “Manju, I
want to tell you something”. I thought he wants to talk about his work. But he
said “ Manju my mom and dad got married very late. I was born to my mom at 35
and my little brother was born when my mom was 40; so Manju, please do not
worry, everything will happen in good time for you as well “. I saw that
positive energy in him; the energy which wanted me to give me some courage and
comfort. I had tears in my eye - and even now they roll down my cheeks when I
write about his kindness. There is God in the feeling I am having now -
absolute gratefulness !

Please do not
think that sufferings are a punishment from God. God doesn’t punish or reward
anyone. When we are happy and content we never think “Why me ?”. We accept it
so naturally. Just like happiness and joy, pain and suffering are an essential
part of life; and we need to accept them too. Every adverse moment helps us to
grow spiritually; it teaches us to use the omnipotent energy in the proper way.
When there is no pain there is no gain ! We should learn to use the positive
form of God (love, empathy, compassion, contentment, gratitude , knowledge,
wisdom etc) to keep us strong during difficult times. After all, the aim of
life is to find its purpose and such an“enlightenment” comes only during
arduous times ! Remember, only the people who go through tough times make this
world a better place to live in, with their contributions to mankind ! Gandhi
was determined to fight for freedom only after he was thrown out of the railway
compartment by an arrogant Britisher ! He transmuted his anger into a positive
desire to help his suffering countrymen ! God comes wherever there is pain and
suffering. You get to know God better when you suffer.

Always keep in
mind that our thinking has enormous power. That is why we unknowingly attract
people whom we love and repel people whom we hate. We are what we think !
Prayer is nothing but concentrated thinking. Praying to God may not get you
what you want , but it will help you to accept what you get . Thinking and
praying is also an expression of that omnipotent energy – good thinking bring
forth good deeds and hence a better life ! A better life doesn’t just mean
physical comforts; a better life doesn’t always mean a baby; a better life
doesn’t mean good health – a better life means a heart ready to accept things
as they are, and a mind which is prepared to face the struggle and come out of
it successfully !

So, instead of
searching for God somewhere else; instead of believing that God will help us ;
instead of believing that God will make this world a better place; if we try to
use the energy which is within us; which is around us; which is everywhere–we
can make this world a better and beautiful place to live in. God is the energy that
keeps the world going. It is the energy that keeps us going too. Perhaps that’s
the energy which gives me the courage and strength to fight infertility! There
is no guarantee that I will end up with a baby in hand with the help of God;
but I am sure I will be a better person at the end of this journey - and that
is what matters the most !

I believe in
God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what
people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and
Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the
translations have gone wrong.

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Disclaimer

Please note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpuf

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpufPlease note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

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I thrive on love and affection!

I am a 36 year old Indian woman, happily married for seven years. This blog captures the 7 year infertility journey we went through to have our daughter Anisha. I have to undergo7 IVF/ICSI cycles, three miscarriage (including a still birth where I lost my twins to incompetent cervix) and 3 FETs to have our little miracle in hand. This journey was excruciatingly painful at times yet shaped me in ways happy times wouldn't have. Looking back, I wonder about myself ! I feel proud that I was able to be sane and strong after so many IVFs and heartbreaking miscarriages. Now I am very happy and serene than if I would have had children without any problems ( a bit crazy too ! :) The secret is, infertility is a great teacher. It taught me to be strong, humble, resilient, rational, forgiving, empathizing and hopeful. BTW, I am a scientist by profession. I hold a doctorate degree in Human Biology and I believe my education has helped me to tackle infertility bravely. I would like to share my experience and knowledge which I gained during this happy struggle to meet our offspring with you all. If you could share with me your thoughts and experiences I will be very happy !