Recent News

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

SPOKANE, WA—Ten months after altering her interests, appearance, behavior, and opinions to please her boyfriend, Michael Gartner, local woman Gabrielle McMullen is now enjoying a happy, lasting relationship with her long-term partner, the cheerful 27-year-old told reporters Friday. “When I first started dating Michael, things were a little tense and uncomfortable because there were aspects of my personality that didn’t appeal to him, but once I suppressed my thoughts and feelings and completely changed who I am, everything got better,” McMullen said of her formerly flagging romance, which was blissfully revived the instant the quiet and introverted woman began forcing herself to attend loud parties, switched her typically understated dress in favor of more feminine and revealing clothing, and resolved to abandon her passion for activities and issues that held no interest for her boyfriend. “Michael was clearly unhappy because he wanted me to be a different person from who I am, so all I had to do was take note of what he did and didn’t like about me and mold myself into a person who satisfied all his requirements. That really helped resolve a lot of our issues, which is why almost a year later our relationship is better than ever.” Noting that she didn’t want to get her hopes up just yet, McMullen added that if Gartner popped the question, she could definitely see herself being someone else for him for the rest of her life.

More from this section

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.