Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

06 February, 2012

Ugly (may trigger)

I was at my first Bridges meeting the other day since my operation. It was nice to see a new face in the group. There was of course much discussion of many topics but one the really stuck out to me was about self hatred and harm.
It is very common for those who have been through trauma and abuse to have issues with self hatred and harm. It can come for many reasons. Sometimes it is anger for our abuser that is directed inward toward our selves instead of out towards them. Sometimes it is anger at ourselves for not doing more to stop the abuse, or for engaging in activities that we don't feel safe in. Self harm is often a common response to this hatred. Cutting, overeating, starving, punching yourself, swallowing or sticking things onto your body, even excessive drinking or drug taking, to mention just a few. These relieve the tension and hatred, but only for a time. They give a sense of relief, reprieve, but they are only temporary.

One of us in the group spoke of wanting to slash all her hair off, so she could look "as ugly on the outside as she felt on the inside". This really spoke to me. It was like she had finally found words for what I had been trying to express for years. It is that deep feeling of ugliness, of being evil, unwanted and broken that never seems to show on the outside. The self harm is a way to take that from the inside and show it outside. Even as I type, I can feel my own self hatred and desire to self harm rising.
I hate who I am, I hate the mess and brokenness inside. I see myself as weak and in so many ways to blame for so much that happened to me. I know in my logical mind that I was a child and not responsible or able to control what happened to me, and that helps at times to hold it at bay. But at times it is all too much.

Part of this journey is to learn to accept who we are and the pain we feel. To find other ways to deal with the anger and hatred. And ultimately to learn to love ourselves for who we are.
One of the techniques we discussed for releasing some of this anger and hatred was to throw ice cubes at a wall or fence. The noise and smashing helps to get it out. I never really learned how to deal with my anger as I was growing up. It was not something I really knew how to deal with. I guess most of it just went inside.
If you have any ideas on other ways of dealing with it, please let me know.