hey my second little thing i have posted....check it out please, if you crit. me i'll crit you back...thanks for your time.

your breath stinks of remorse
and i want to ask you
but its like asking why the colors change
i always knew each kiss never mattered
can you feel the flatline too
don't worry it will quick
your words like this knife never stop perading my heart
as you kill me, i'll scream i love you...

you know you kill me under a star lit sky.
scatter my ashes so i die everywhere
hold my hand not my heart.

were both gasping for a quickened pulse
and a sequence of saftey.
we like our lives in a state terror
we're too ignorant to know the reatily of the menance
murder me and the ozone. //

alright comment please...thanks
<3 drew

Richy833

10-23-2004, 02:26 PM

No More Emo!

espf-250htd06

10-23-2004, 05:10 PM

cool song if this is your first then awesome job but if you want any recegnition on here dont do a love song i must say though not a bad job not to cliche keep going check out my new songs disbelief or level ground thanks cya 6.3/10

screamo_rocks_101

10-24-2004, 04:51 PM

nice one, i liked it, but i really REALLY dont think that this is emo, and even if it is, it really doesnt matter as long as it sounds good.

TheOpeningAct101

10-24-2004, 05:26 PM

i think its good, but you could work on it. it just sounds a little forced, espcially the last vers. just it flow.

broken jaw club

10-25-2004, 05:21 PM

"hold my hand not my heart" - i dont know why but i really like this line.
i like the fact that you use a lot of strong words, real intense imagery. it could, however, piece together a bit smoother.
oh yeah, and definately a cool title.

xKONRADx

10-26-2004, 01:23 AM

i honestly dont know. some lines were good and others just didnt stand out. but on the whole i think it could have more substance. it didnt really move me anywhere. and what was the whole italics thing? i dont get it. also it might need to be somewhat longer. eh, guess thats it.