Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Lately Ive been in my head and not welcoming anyone in so thats why Im takin my time in between blogs. Germany can be a depressing place. Not the air or the sights. I think Ive been to enough different atmospheres in life to where everything has its similarities and this is why I can find beauty. But the people here are very different and so is the system. I dig Socialism and see the great possibilities of it. But the positive outcome of Socialism is truly in the attitude of the people. In Germany, from what I can see, Socialism has made spies out of the jealous. I keep hearing stories of people turning each other in over "extra" unaccounted income, old time friends betraying one another because one doesnt want the other to have what he or she doesnt and although the majority of people I have met have been pleasant, they ALL have noseyness in common. And the noseyness isn't like what I'm used to. Usually in America when people are getting to know you they ask you, your name, about your upbringing, about your hobbies, food taste, neighborhood you grew up, education and occupation and who you may know at a party or function and how. They ask you things that will tell them about YOU as a person. In Germany one of the first things people ask me is my age and why I am here and what I do for a living. One of the LAST things they ask me is where I'm from. I listen to people carefully now. And while they are talkin and asking I'm wondering what they really want to know and what good the information is to them. It's hard for me to trust that everyone wishes me well. But everyone is smiling. It's such a subtle ugliness and it's turned me off from openness and pleasantries.

So, lately I've been stand-offish and to myself. I really don't want to share with you (friends and family back home) any more of my progresses and failures because that's not every one's business. I am displeased enough to leave Germany before my visa is up, this way, no one has any reason to be jealous or lie or even ask me anything. I am truly on a vacation here. When I get home, throw me a dinner and I'll share details then. I'll talk about Germany and other countries I visit more in depth after I leave them.

I remember recently when I went into a second hand store to buy some clothes to perform in and I didn't have enough money to get all that I wanted. I had on a beautiful dress that costed about 25 euro. I wanted to talk to the owner about the dress. While I was contemplating the dress in the mirror, this older German lady came into the shop. I walked over to the owner and asked if I could speak with her. She and I began to bargain. I was getting a good compromise out of the owner, I know I was, and was about to agree to the deal for the dress and a pair of shoes when the old lady appeared behind some clothes and commented to me about the deal I was getting. Now, in America, I would've said "Uhm, you should mind your business and not mine!" And telling her off was on the tip of my tongue but my friends who were with me saw it and calmed me. They told me that's how the people are here. Nosey.

Another case, I went to a club and a man began to talk to me. I didnt care for his conversation and tried to leave politely. He begged me to stay. I told him "no" stern and politely. This guy goes to the owner and tells the owner of the club that I found it boring and wanted to leave. Now, if I were in America, I wouldve cursed him the fuck out and been ready to beat his lily white ass for lyin on me. But, I am new in a city and not well known enough in the club to even debate the spoiled little piece of shit. So I rolled my eyes and left.

These are little cases and reasons why I don't talk to people much anymore out here, it's because they wanna know too much so badly and it's creepy. It's a turn off.

In other news, I got to see my friend Linda who is a German native and Diana and they are awesome. I dunno what I'm doin for Christmas. I haven't heard from my mother or my oldest sister at all. That's . . . too bad for me I guess. I told them to email me their land lines but no one has. I guess . . . whatever . . .

In the meantime, I'm tryin to keep myself happy. I've been writing a lot of songs and using everything I feel to create. I really wish I could find a meditation center nearby. That would be really helpful.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

How to appreciate black coffee (because hardly any one knows what the hell Soy milk is).

How to smile and nod politely before I say (in German) that I only understand a bit of German.

How to smile and nod and chew things I've told people time and time again that I do not like but they insist on offering me like chocolate and bread, which, by the way, I've learned to respect.

Lastly, the most important thing I've learned in Germany - to let go.

This lesson is gonna take a lot of explaining: last night I was - wait - a couple weeks ago. yes, we'll start there, on Thanksgiving I met a young man - not Patrick, someone else. A videographer. Nice young man and I forgot that I gave him my card. Anywho, he jokingly texted me and would not reveal himself. Now, if you have known me more than 10 years then you know firsthand that I have had some issues with a person in my past who would not respect my personal boundaries. So I got angry that the young man wouldnt reveal himself in the text message, but I didnt respond because, even though I didnt know it was the young man texting me, I knew that whoever it was was clearly unaware of my my past and I needed time to calm down.

Then last night. I went to meet a new friend, Anita, who owns a nice bar and has been in Frankfurt for so long that some folks from some place in Europe wanted to include her in a documentary. Anita wanted me to be in the documentary but I just came by to help her in case she needed anything. So after they filmed her, I hung around and met two guys. One was from Scotland and I think the other was from England. They were funny as HELL. The one from England ordered a whiskey at the bar. The bar tender poured him SUCH a small bit and that guy from Scotland picked up the cup, examined it and said "well, that's a thought!" LMAO. you had to be there. Anyway, me and the guys joked. Most of the night I was sober and didnt feel like drinkin. But around like 1 or 2 AM another friend of theirs joined us and we decided to go to Kareoke. I kept tellin em I cant sing but they insisted that with the power behind my voice I could. So we went.

I sang Tiny Dancer (horribly) first. Then they got me a rum and coke and I sang Al Green's You Ought To Be With Me (A bit better) Then, after the second (and final) drink I sang Dr. Feelgood By Aretha Franklin and actually surprised my damn self! A few sets of lovers even got up and slow danced as I sang. And then I met another nice man with a big bright, perfect smile. We talked and I gave him my card.

So today, I was supposed to go back to meet Anita but I've been goin out every single night this week so I just stayed in. Well, the guy who texted me called me and I explained to him why I dont like people playing on my phone. And he really is a nice young man. And then, the nice man I met at the Kareoke with the perfect smile wrote me an email saying he likes my blog. The young man also quoted a piece of my blog and here is Part One of the letting go lesson:

I am very shy sometimes. I really am. Ask ANY long term lover I've had - ALL two of em (haha) can recall at least one time where I was so shy I hid or balled up into myself. When I feel unexpectedly exposed I become VERY shy. And I've been handing out a lot of business cards with this blog address on em because Im here on business (sorta). But I also hand out the cards because they have my email and number on em. So most of the people that I have hung out with and/or flirted with already know more about me than I do them after they read this blog and that makes me very shy. But Ive decided that instead of censoring myself on this blog from now on (cause I surely did give that idea some thought) I just gotta let go of trying to control how much information a person gets about me. What I write here is all me and they gonna find out sooner or later so fuck it.

Part Two
*deep breath*
My Love. Yes, I'm still in love with someone, and I'm gonna be in love with him until I'm not. Once again: no, we are not "together". Yes, he knows how I feel. No, he does not feel the same.

Ok. My Love and I recently had a conversation about dating - not each other (he's halfway across the world and even when he was standin right next to me we werent dating). He mentioned other womyn in this conversation and I swear on my soul, had this been even a month ago I wouldve gone ape shit at the thought of him even smiling at another womyn's jokes. Seriously. So when he brought up dating I immediately did inventory and I was so proud of myself for really being OK with it. This is the first time in my life I have NOT been jealous in a situation like this and all types of shit ran through my head to test my emotions "what if he finds a womyn who is gorgeous, what if he falls in love with her and you come back and the entire friendship is gone, what if he marries her and blah bla blah" I dont care. I mean of course, I care about him - I'm in love with him. But the fact about it is even if he, by some miracle, fell in love with me, that wont make him "mine". He's his own person. He can do what he wants cause I sure as hell am gonna do what I want. I love him enough to wish him the best joy and peace God can give him - even if that means Im completely out of the picture. He's a really special man, so he deserves nothing less than everything he wants.

Also, I still believe in God. And if what God has for me is really for me, then I just gotta keep learning how little control I have over what other folks see, or overlook, or gossip, or say, or think, or forget concerning me. I just gotta keep letting go.

Quick Rundown

I am 5'9 and over 200 pounds today. I am easy to get along with but hard to categorize. I Love. I shy away from. I drink, today. I pray. I forget. I remember where I bury hatchets. I am funny as the Devil and just as charming. I am learning, I am learning, I am learning and I will tell you ALL about it.