Today, we’re lucky enough to have Liz from Flourish in Progress giving out advice. If you’re not a regular reader of Liz’s blog yet, just you wait. Between the Monday Dares and updates on her No Shopping Project, Liz consistently hits the funny mark. Besides the funny, one of the reasons that I love Liz is that there is always an element of surprise in her posts. Something that you just didn’t see coming (in case you weren’t sure what “surprise” meant.) This is the post that started my adoration for Liz. Enjoy! – Marinka

____________________________________________________

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m in trouble and I really need some clear perspective on my problem, ’cause my brain feels like jelly right now…really thick, dark kind of kelly. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for the last 8 years and we have a 2 year old boy. I’ve been a SAHM since he was born. My husband and I have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, and the last couple of years have been difficult. I thought we loved each other enough to get through it all, it seems I was wrong.

While working on my PC, I discovered some cookies with addresses of sites for adults only…and one of those addresses led me to a site which connects people who are searching for sex partners available near our location. Since my husband and I are the only ones who use this PC, my heart stopped.

I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies everything, his explanation being that it must be a virus on the computer. And I don’t know what to believe or to do. I feel angry, sad, lost…Please put me out of my misery and offer me some guidance.

Signed,

What Now?

______________________________

Dear What Now,

First things first: Do you want your husband to stay or do you want your husband to go?

Normally, I’d suggest an honest heart-to-heart, but I can see that’s not going to work here. A virus? Please. The only virus here is the douchebag bug that’s infected your husband.

If you find it in your heart to forgive him, remind me to send you a medal. Personally, I’d rather bust my own kneecaps than forgive a man who’s trolling the internet for sex with strangers. Ask yourself: are you okay with this happening again? Is this the kind of behavior you want your son to learn? Are you teaching your son that this kind of tomfoolery is okay if you stay? (Answer key: No, No, Yes.)

If we were sitting across from each other, this is where I would supply you with several cocktails, take your hand, and tell you this-

Homegirl, let’s keep it real. Life is too short and your time is too limited to put off being happy and secure for any longer. If you choose to move on with your marriage, you’ll become obsessed with checking his mobile devices, computer, and mail. You won’t be living your own life. You’ll be trapped into making sure another person is living their life correctly. And that’s just not something you can do.

This is all coming from a place of someone who truly gets what you’re going through. I spent too many sleepless nights being miserable over a partner’s deceit before I made the choice to let him go. You know what? He’s still the same person today. An asshole. Letting him go was one of the best decisions I ever made. More importantly, it freed me to meet the right person.

69 Responses to “Is My Husband A Pig Or Does My Computer Have A Virus?”

09.14.11#1

Comment by SuperMOm.

And to top it all of…he’s trying to get out of it by trying to convince her she’s stupid!!!

Fight fire with fire. Stop having sex for a month and peruse lesbian sites….tell him “It’s just a virus” and see if he doesn’t get pissed.

Aside from that…check out pcpandora….

scrambler4201 Reply:September 15th, 2011 at 10:23 am

Another way to look at this. My husband has the original douchbag virus. I have quite the imagination and have “imagined” finding his online swinger profile complete with photo and have even responded to it. The least the boys could do is be creative and find a way to blame it on us. Yes, I could leave and treat my kids to a ratty apartment next door to dope dealers and perverts. Maybe they can babysit for me while I work three jobs to pay for the crappy apartment. My husband has carte-blanche to be a douchbag because he holds ALL the cards. I do work from home and go to school but do not make what he does. My husband makes over $100K a year. I make about $12K and rarely have enough money for groceries. I wish being a sicko was the least of his crimes. If he could just go screw strangers and at least pretend to be a decent guy at home I would be thrilled with that arrangement. Leaving isn’t always possible or am I clueless? The good news is that he is older than me and when he strokes out and goes to a nursing home I will still be the devoted wife and visit him everyday. I will spoon feed him cat vomit and smile at the nurses and tell them is a recipe he’s spent years teaching me.

09.14.11#2

Comment by Melissa.

I actually had a similar event occur and it turned out that it was a kind of pop up ad for local singles- it showed up in the history but it was actually a pop up that used our ip address to determine our location, which it filled in to the search fields. It came up from a “normal” porn site, and I was able to see it happen again for myself from a different computer- I hope that maybe this is what happened for your husband.

09.14.11#3

Comment by Happy Baker.

As a regular viewer of internet porn (Hey, my husband’s been deployed for 13 months, a girl’s got needs) I know firsthand that a lot of adult sites contain links and ads claiming to hook you up with local singles. It’s just basic sponsored ads that appear on those pages. Sometimes they pop up as separate pages, sometimes they’re a part of the page.

I wouldn’t rule him out as a booty-seeking scumbag just yet, not without a little proof. And what could easily have been an unsolicited pop-up isn’t proof.

However, in my first marriage, my husband was cheating regularly, and I knew it, but I couldn’t prove it. I am a big advocate that a woman’s heart has some serious intuition, and you should listen to it. Do you think he’s cheating? Aside from this issue, has the thought nagged you before? If so, there might be some substance to it. Go with your gut.

And bottom line, if you’re not happy, you’re just not happy. If you’ve been wanting to leave for a while, and this gives you the fuel you need, then use it. If not, perhaps some work is needed to help get past this.

I fully agree with you, Happy Baker. Another blog I read regularly had a post recently about pop-ups versus actual page views, especially for those super-aggressive porn & local singles sites. Hell, I’ve been to perfectly innocent websites and they’ve popped up. If my husband saw that and assumed I was trolling for a local sex partner, I’d collapse into a heap of tears and beg him not to leave me for something not of my doing.

If the OP has a problem with her husband looking at internet porn, then she should speak with him about THAT, or go to couples’ therapy. But, like you said, if she’s been suspicious for a while, or is just looking for a way out, then whether he’s trolling or not seems beside the point.

09.14.11#4

Comment by Happy Baker.

Oh and – The virus thing? Yeah, total crap.

But if a guy knows his wife isn’t comfy cozy with the idea of porn in the first place, then chances are good he’s not going to admit to it, even if he didn’t have any underlying foul intentions.

09.14.11#5

Comment by Jessica.

This is the first time I’ve ever disagreed with a mouthy housewife reply! Just because he was looking at a website doesn’t mean he did, or ever would, contact any of these strangers for sex. Clearly he enjoys porn, which is fine, or not, but that’s a separate problem that the two of you need to address. So it’s very possible that he gets a thrill just by perusing this site and has absolutely no intention of actually following through on what the site offers. And if the two of you have never had “the porn talk”, then I’m not surprised that he lied when confronted. My advice to you is to confront him again, and again, and again. Tell him you know he’s lying and continue the conversation as though he’s admitted it. Bulldoze past his claims of innocence (regarding visiting the site in question) and just start talking about how it makes you feel and your concerns. I bet that once he realizes that what you’re actually worried about isn’t the porn itself but the “local sex partner” aspect of the situation, he’ll stumble all over himself to reassure you that it’s the thrill he’s seeking, not the ride itself.

I’ve been there, it was awful, it made me rethink mu trust in my husband and our relationship. But it also made us have some very serious conversations about what was missing in our relationship. And it also showed me how important it was to trust my instincts.

Tina Marie Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 7:44 pm

You are extremely lucky bulldozing and interrogating worked for you in this situation. If her husband is not lying and it was a pop up it will only push him further away. Especially if he feels like he did nothing wrong because he didn’t really check out that site and it was just a pop up of some kind.

The important question to find out here is whether the “local sexpartner” site was in the history details more than once. Not just once a day, as it could be a repeat popup from a porn site he visits. But multiple links to that one page during the same visit. If this is the case and he still denies it, then she has some thinking to do on whether or not to stay in the marriage.

09.14.11#6

Comment by chris.

We are talking about a family here. She should not just throw in the towel. You need to fight to keep your family intact. Go to therapy, really talk to each other, open up your heart. Your family deserves everything you’be got.

Could be a virus or he could be a douchebag.
I say be extra carefull and gather evidence. If you have enough evidence beat him around with it and feel free to smack him. If you don’t find anything, so much the better.
Also protect yourself, because if he has been meeting up with people he met on the porn site who knows what vile diseases he caught.

09.14.11#8

Comment by Marinka.

Wow, what a discussion!

But see, people who don’t have thoughts about meeting up with strangers for sex don’t usually go through the motions of searching those strangers out. And pop ups don’t show up in search histories. (OMG, DO THEY?)

And his obvious lying?

I think What Now needs to think hard about whether this is a marriage that she wants.

Happy Baker Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 10:10 am

Honestly, you’ve never lied to your husband? never? About anything? About how much that shirt cost, nothing?

Most men don’t see porn as a problem, except for the fact that their wives don’t like it. So they lie when confronted by an angry spouse. It’s not meant to be an intentionally hurtful thing, it’s just meant to keep a fight from starting about what might be an awkward issue.

And who says the guy was looking for someone to sleep with? Most porn pages contain big, giant ads urging “hook up with local sexy singles!” If the wife saw those and assumed that was what he was looking for, then she might have completely overlooked the fact that they are, in fact, just ads, and not the purpose of the website he was actually on.

I don’t always volunteer what my clothes cost. But when my husband gets the credit card bill, I don’t claim that it must have been a mistake that the store made.

I know it’s not a perfect analogy.

Her husband knows that this is an issue for her. If he’s a big enough boy to look at porn, he should be a big enough boy to tell his wife when she asks him about it. Even if it leads to an uncomfortable discussion that he’d rather avoid.

Happy Baker Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 10:31 am

Well, I totally agree with you there. There needs to be open communication about that kind of thing.

My husband and I are in a very porn-friendly marriage, but we still have rules about it, and one of them is “no lying”. When I was in less secure relationships, though (with men I didn’t trust like I do my husband) I had issues with porn. And I remember how I acted when I would stumble across it. I was shrill and demanding and angry, and I know that’s GOTTA be intimidating for someone who’s just been “caught” and is embarrassed.

It’s just disheartening to see the war cry “Divorce the douche!” ripple through the comments so quickly, not knowing any of the pertinent details.

Suzy Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 10:36 am

When I found some porn on my husband’s computer (free tip: photo manager programs can see ALL the photos & video you have when you install them!) I asked him about it in what I thought was a calm, non-confrontational, non-threatening way. He IMMEDIATELY claimed it was a computer virus, something that got downloaded without his knowledge and he would NEVER look at porn!

Of course he was lying, and eventually he admitted it and we talked about it. I was still hurt and upset (especially because he thought I was so stupid I’d believe his virus story) but it wasn’t worth getting hysterical about. I think some men just lie automatically when they know they’re caught out of panic. This guy might be a douchebag but give him a chance to prove he’s not before breaking up a family.

09.14.11#9

Comment by xineymarie.

I agree with the commenters who disagree with the answer.
First of all, the sites that claim to hook up local strangers for sex are almost always just porn sites, and accidental ones at that – you’re on a normal porn site and click on the video you want to watch, but FIRST it opens a window for this “singles in your area” thing showing a video of a totally fake chick peering into her webcam, and then you realize it opened the site you actually tried to get to in the first place in a totally different window that’s hidden by this stupid site you didn’t want.
So there’s that. The fact that he was probably just surfing for porn. No proof that he was actually seeking out strangers for sex.
Secondly, encouraging people to divorce (especially people with children) is an irresponsible thing to do. Sorry the answer-er got burned in her own marriage, but divorce should only be encouraged when you really know it’s a terrible situation. We don’t know that. All we know is her hubby’s looking at porn. If that’s a divorceable offense, I think somebody needs to look into what marriage actually means.

Happy Baker Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 10:16 am

Well said! I agree 100%

Tina Marie Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 7:52 pm

My parents stuck together but argued every second of my childhood. I would wish this on no one. She needs to make sure that her child is growing up in a happy home too, not just a stable one.

Absolutely. And a home where the wife is suspecting the husband and the husband is lying is not a stable one.

09.14.11#10

Comment by Kathy.

I’m going to take the husband’s side for today since nothing in that letter made me feel like he was a complete douchebag as most of the other comments claim.

Having not looked at her cookie cache I don’t know what kind of cookie she means. Did this cookie have login credentials attached or was it simply there as others have stated because it was a popup he clicked on just to browse in curiosity or totally by accident. Unless that cookie contained his username or password I’m going to error on the side of not guilty. Even people who don’t peruse porn can get led down a popup trail by accident very easily – especially if they aren’t very net savvy. If he were a net savvy cheater he would clear both his history and cookie cache – and you wouldn’t be sharing a computer.

He denied using that site – and if he’d clicked there from some ad or popup or accidental click – then he really wouldn’t remember being there because it wasn’t someplace he’d really used. Do you remember every link you click on even from this site? I’ve been down some long trails of parenting links that I couldn’t retrace if my life depended on it. This automatically makes him a liar and the comments show they wholeheartedly believe that he in no way gets the benefit of the doubt from anyone – wife included – until actual proof shows up. This makes me very sad.

I don’t see anywhere in her letter where she implies that before this she was miserable or looking for an out. She stated that while they had difficulties she thought they were solid enough to make it. And she doesn’t say what those difficulties were… everyone’s assuming he’s an ass – and he could be – but difficulties could be from illness, money, kids, stress, family or sex/cheating. She doesn’t specify and we can’t assume yet everyone has linked their difficulties to being partnered with the computer issue.

sisterfunkhaus Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:33 am

Then there is the more simple explanation, that he actually visited the site and is lying about it. It is really rare that, when confronted, a person will quickly confess to trying to cheat or to cheating. Usually, they try to explain it away, convince the person they are paranoid, etc… Do you honestly think that any guy would just say, “Oh yes, honey, I was trying to pick up a woman to have sex with”?

All of these posts really do make it seem like women are buying the porn lies their husbands tell them.

Kathy Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:39 am

Can you honestly look in your own cookie folder and remember every single site there and explain when and why you clicked on that site? I refuse to believe someone is destroying their life based on cookies in their folder.

First of all, I don’t even understand why anyone would go to any site other than The Mouthy Housewives. But, there are a lot of weirdos out there.

The thing is if I looked at my browsing history, and something like “Sod’omize Pet Goats for Fun!” popped up, I’d really hope that I would remember how THAT particular search came about. It’s not an innocuous search. It should ring some bells, you know.

sisterfunkhaus Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:45 am

I hope you aren’t talking about her destroying things based on a cookie folder. It would be him doing the destroying by visiting the site, not her.

Her post isn’t about every single cookie. It is about one cookie for a very, very bad website. I am 100% sure that anyone who visited a site like that would remember that.

Kathy Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:47 am

You’re confusing search history with browser cookies. Certainly if I searched for that phrasing I would like to think I would remember. But if I searched for say “feeding pet goats” and got the nice list from google and started clicking on sites that looked viable but when I clicked it discovered it wasn’t what I wanted and hit a popup by accident while closing the offending site there would be a cookie in my cookie folder for clicking to a site I never wanted to visit.

That’s an excellent point, Kathy (about confusing search/cookies histories) but still– I’d hope that something like that would stick out in his mind.

At any rate, he owes it to his wife to be honest with her– to let her know that he was browsing some garden variety porn and that this is what happened.

Because his being dismissive about it isn’t working for her.

Kathy Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 10:03 am

Honesty is important – he’s denied cheating and her only evidence is a cookie for a meetup site amid some porn cookies. That’s not huge evidence. If she has other issues we’re not seeing – which she probably does if she’s writing for advice – then she needs to deal with those for they are far more vital to the story than the computer evidence. From his perspective if he isn’t cheating he’s probably confused and hurt just like his wife. They undoubtedly need counseling at the least… but my point was stuff happens on the internet that is so easy to misconstrue and that we as a society are so quick to jump on a bandwagon and assume the worst in folks.

Imagine for a minute if the letter was from the wife and her husband found some cookies on the computer for expensive dress stores and she was hurt because he was accusing her of buying all these dresses despite their agreement that she not buy any more dresses until they pay off their car. She swore she’d not bought anything and had just browsed the dress shop but he didn’t believe her. (And while shopping seems silly its a huge breach of trust issue of someone’s a shopoholic who has decimated a family’s finances which is why I picked it for comparison)

09.14.11#11

Comment by LR.

I agree with the answers that point out the popup/advertisement issue. Even sites that offer free music downloads have those types of popups. They are EVERYWHERE.

And even if he IS checking out those sites, maybe it’s just him fantasizing. Maybe he’s just curious if he recognizes anyone on the site (guys all want to find someone they know doing ‘bad’ things).

There are so many reasons that the cookies could have been there, that you definitely shouldn’t just assume he’s sneaking around trying to find someone else.

Certainly he could be. But is it likely? Only you knows the answer to that. Trust your instinct, give him the opportunity to be honest with you WITHOUT recrimination, and try to work on the rebuilding the trust.

Unless of course you WANT to divorce him.

sisterfunkhaus Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:35 am

From the letter, it sounds like her instinct is telling her he is lying.

It was really hard to read this. With some changes, hopefully some major changes, this was me a year ago. An important difference is that when I confronted my husband he admitted it, apologized, and told me he would do anything to save our marriage. He also said that it wasn’t about having sex, it was about wanting to read the profiles, kind of like the letter to Penthouse.

True? Untrue? Honestly, I can’t say with 100% certainty that I know. I think I believe him, yesterday I would have said I completely believe him, but then when I read this today I felt like maybe I sound like an idiot to believe him.

I really don’t think he would cheat on me. I think he was looking for excitement, for sexual thrills via the internet, like a lot of people. I think that’s one of the downsides of the internet, it makes things too easy, too anonymous, too within reach.

Bottom line, I believe our marriage is a good thing, for both of us and for our four children. I think we have a good relationship, I think we got lazy about sex and intimacy and it left us vulnerable. It was really hard for me to realize that it wasn’t all about him doing something wrong, that we had both made mistakes that left our marriage lacking intimacy. A year later I realize I’m glad I made the decision to stay, I think he’s a good guy who made a mistake and we’re moving forward, together.

09.14.11#13

Comment by Plano Mom.

You can’t control his mind, you can only tell him what’s in yours. I like the advice that said to keep talking about how it made you feel.

One important factor, regardless of whether he acted on it or not, is he is still there with YOU.

Seek counseling. Talk, talk, talk. Your child also doesn’t need to see someone give up on a marriage without really working hard at keeping it.

sisterfunkhaus Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:23 am

Isn’t he the one who is giving up on his marriage by looking up sites where he can hook up with other women? You really shouldn’t place the blame of “giving up” on the victim.

Plano Mom Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 9:55 am

I’m not placing blame on anyone, not my intent, you read too much into my statement. But I am saying that people make mistakes, they lie about it, they hurt the ones they love. You take time and care in getting married and having a child, why not take time and care before dissolving it. Sometimes a marriage is worth sticking around and working on, even when the hurt is pretty bad.

09.14.11#14

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

A virus? That is laughable. Now he is lying to you and treating you like you are dumb, which would be strike 2 for me.

As for it being a pop-up, I doubt that too b/c pop-ups don’t generally leave cookies on a computer. Cookies are left when you actually visit a website. A site leaves a cookie so it can reidentify you each time you visit a site. When the site “sees” a cookie it knows that you have been there before. When it doesn’t detect a cookie, it knows that this is your first time to visit. A pop-up is a script, not an actual web page, so there is no reason it would leave a cookie. My husband enjoys porn and I have never, in the many years we have been married found any kind of strange or out of the ordinary cookie for anything other than the actual sites he looks at.

I think that, in our heads, we try to rationalize it by saying things, like, oh it must be a pop-up. Or, we want to believe that it is a virus. That is b/c, by nature, we want things to stay the same. Believing lies, like that it is a virus or a pop-up, allows us to not have to confront the truth.

My graduate training is in mental health. My suggestion would be, if you want to try to keep your family together, to make a plan to leave. Pack you things, have somewhere to go. Sit your husband down and tell him that if he wants to keep your marriage together that he has to come completely clean, no matter how bad it is, and agree to go to counseling, get STD testing, etc… Tell him if he wants to continue to treat you like you are a complete idiot, that you are leaving. Then, leave if he doesn’t come clean (he probably won’t at first.) Don’t tell him where you are going. Be unreachable for a day or two or three. Don’t engage him. Give him time to think. Most of the time, when you do something like this, if the man wants to save his marriage, he will come around, tell the truth and work on things. If he doesn’t, you know he isn’t worth your time, and you need to move on.

You deserve someone who will be truthful and agree to better himself and your marriage. Anything less is selling yourself short.

09.14.11#15

Comment by Jessica.

I think that meeting up with strangers for sex is a pretty common fantasy. But hopefully, like many fantasies, this is one that will remain in the, ahem, spank bank.

09.14.11#16

Comment by what now?.

thank you everyone for taking the time to think at and answer my issue..especially Liz from Flourish in progress, I read your blog every monday,it makes me smile everytime :).
it’s been now almost a month since then, and things hasn’t gotten for the better or worst…we’re still in the same place..he acts like nothing has happened, and I …can’t get over it.English is not my native language and I struggle to find the words to pin point my feelings, so please excuse my mistakes…I feel hurt as a woman,the fact that my husband prefers to seek company eslewhere, as long as I am here, in our house, raising our child, and I have been here for so long…makes me doubt his feelings for me,makes me rethink his comittment to our family and to me as his life partner,makes me wonder everytime he says his gone be late, if he is /does what he says.

09.14.11#17

Comment by what now?.

It’s been hard this couple of weeks, meanwhile I’ve been thinking on what version of the truth to believe,my biggest mistake, was that I didn’t press enter on the cookie to see exactly were it leeds me, so I have no exact proof that he was in fact searching for a sex partner or was there just for the thrills.The bottom line is that I still don’t know what to believe or to do…time hasn’t done anything for me yet.:(

Plano Mom Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 10:02 am

I speak from personal experience. When it comes to sex, what men feel with their wives is completely different and totally separate from the purely objectified sexual fantasies and stimulation you get from pornography. It’s better if you can get him to talk about it, but try to believe that there is a possibility that he would be distressed to know that you are taking this as a statement of his lack of love for you.

Contrary to what others may believe, it is possible that your husband was merely curious, and would be horrified to realize that you would think he would be serious, hence the denial.

Wow, this is a really, really tough one. Thanks so much to Liz for taking it on and her thought out answer.

I honestly don’t know what I’d advise in this situation, but I will say two things:

Last week, I saw an ad on TV for Cougarlife.com, which I thought sounded really funny & weird, so I went to the website and it was about younger men finding “cougars” in my area to date. So now that’s on my browsing history, yay!

Second, and this is the first time I’ve ever quoted Reagan, but I think “Trust, but verify” is a pretty good way to deal with something like this.

Good luck–I really feel for you.

09.14.11#19

Comment by Kristine.

It’s nice to see What Now here in the comments! I love when the question-askers come back to participate in the discussion!

I’m with Wendi…this is a tenuous situation, and I think that communication is absolutely key. It might be nothing, or it might be a sign of a larger underlying problem. I hope you can get a genuine dialogue going with your husband, What Now.

Wow I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with Reagan but yes verifying is very important.

I’m so impressed with all of the amazing advice and differing points of view!!

What Now, you can at least take away from this that you are NOT alone. You are understood and supported by whole community if women who have been through similar shitty situations.

09.14.11#21

Comment by Been there.

After our sex life abruptly stopped I started looking for reasons why. There’s always a reason a healthy man doesn’t want sex from a wife who always is ready for sex. He denied the porn history I found so I put spyware on both pcs and boy did I get an eyeful. While the satellite pay per views stopped when I confronted him after a $400 bill that’s normally $150 he thought bs was being so damn slick. I believed one thing: this porn addict was not who he was meant to be so I kicked him out and he got help immediately. His fear of me telling others was a factor as well. It’s not been easy and he has a few slip ups but he sees now it did damage our marriage and it’s not “just a harmless guy thing” when it replaces reality. Take a hard stand and prepare for the worst. I fully expected to get divorced but he owned it and got help. Good luck!!

To the OP, “What now?” – If he was, in fact, just looking at porn and not actively seeking a bed buddy, then it’s just pictures. It’s no different than me taking ten minutes to Google pics of Sean Patrick Flanery all shirtless and sexy and…*ahem* Excuse me.

I have no intention of cheating on my husband or sleeping with other men, but a little eye candy never hurt anyone, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the way the marriage functions.

To I mentioned to Marinka above that our marriage has rules about porn. No lying about what you’re looking at, no hard copies in the house where the kids will find them, no downloads or anything you have to pay for, and God help you if you ever choose porn over sex with me. Hell no, that doesn’t fly.

We have a great marriage. He’s been gone a LONG time with the Army, and I don’t doubt my trust in him for a second.

Porn doesn’t have to ruin a strong couple. You just have to decide what you are and are not okay with, and communicate openly about it. I know how lying can seriously ruin trust, but if you WANT the marriage to work, you can get past this. If you sit with him calmly and openly and let him know you’re not buying the virus thing, and just want to know what’s going on, he might be more willing to talk instead of trying to shove it under the rug.

danielle Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 11:15 am

I agree. When we first got married my husband lied about porn and I was devastated. We’ve been married 7 years now. I’m fine with porn and he’s totally open about looking at it. It’s secrecy and deception that causes problems.

danielle Reply:September 14th, 2011 at 11:16 am

I’d like to add that CHILD porn can ruin healthy relationships. I work for lawyers and I’ve seen the consequences of that.

My friend’s grandma once told us, while complaining about our guys going to the strip club, that we should think of it like this: “I don’t care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.” That’s how I view internet porn. An appetizer. As long as I’m the main course, I’m cool with it. If he’s “eating alone” more often than joining me at the table, then that’s a problem, and if he’s taking other people out to dinner, then that too is a problem.

I 2nd the pop-up thing, too. I see those all the time (Hey, I get hungry too..) Unless the history shows him perusing Craig’s List ads, then it could be just that.

My advice? Tell him “If you’re looking at porn, that’s fine, I don’t care – but waht’s up with the sex ads?” and see if he admits to the porn. He might be scared he’ll get in trouble for “eating alone” and so he’s in denial mode.

There are keystroke programs you can download to install on the computer and see every site he visits and each keystroke he makes. Total violation of privacy but if it keeps you sane, I say go for it.

09.14.11#24

Comment by Teri.

This happened to me too. And it was just a pop up ad. I think Michelle at the top already said this, but it does use your location so it can allow you “to meet local singles”. And those locals were looking for sex. Men are visual and if there is a chance of seeing girl parts they are inclined to look. As for denying it? Most men I know will lie to avoid a fight. And most likely he thought he would be in trouble if he admitted to ‘taking a peek’.
I don’t know your situation, but I do know I have jumped to conclusions that were incorrect. I hope this is innocent. But you have admitted there are rocky times now. I’d try and iron them out before they become boulders…
My heart goes out to you.

09.14.11#25

Comment by danielle.

Trust your gut. I didn’t trust mine, thought I was crazy actually. I was right all along. It took months to find proof and I was so mad at myself for putting myself down when I was right. Put a keylogger on your comp. You’ll find out what he’s doing fast.

09.14.11#26

Comment by RealityTC.

Dear What Now,
I don’t feel like I have enough information to determine definitively whether your hubby is a cheating bastard-but I do think your need to check up on him is telling (I don’t buy that you stumbled across the cookies). Does your need to check up on him stem from your own insecurities or has he cheated in the past? Is it part of your relationship history to be worried about him straying in spite of having no proof that he has? If you don’t trust him, is there anything he could do that would make you trust him? Are you happy with yourself and your choices? If your instincts tell you that he is/will cheat you are probably right. Once you lose honesty in a relationship, it’s all downhill. That said, I truly believe after 19 years of marriage that how I feel in a relationship has 80% to do with how I feel about myself-and only 20% how I feel about my partner. Check up on him if you must, but in the meantime, do everything you can to strengthen yourself & your situation so that you do not feel dependent. If he pushes back, it will tell you a lot about HIS insecurities. Consider counseling if you want to make it work long term. You deserve a good relationship! ~TC

The lesson to learn here is that when you suspect something, do NOT confront the person until after you’ve installed a tracking program on your computer! Proof is key to any confrontation, especially one as emotional as suspecting your partner of cheating on you.

I think the whole idea is that putting something like a tracking program on the computer is the WORST idea ever!
If she can’t trust what he says… she should re-evaluate your relationship.
Putting a tracking program on the computer is only going to make her more paranoid and nervous… making her want to check phones and everything else.

bottom line is… if you can’t trust what your SO tells you… there’s something wrong there.
I agree that bailing might not be the best plan right off the bat.. maybe some counselling or whatever… but something is DEFINITELY needed.

She wouldn’t be doing it on a whim. I’m not suggesting she install software just for the hell of it, to see what he’s up to. She had some incriminating evidence that justifies it.

I’m speaking from personal experience. I had a feeling that something was going on, and my fiance kept denying it and turning it around to make me feel like a paranoid, selfish fool. I installed a key logger, and surprise surprise, he WAS cheating on me. He had another fiance in a city nearby! Because of the key logger, I had her email address and was able to let her know what was up. What I learned from this relationship is that men, when put on the spot, can come up with really great answers in split seconds, then expertly turn it around. If you’re going to accuse your partner of cheating, it’s best to have proof.

Installing a key logger is either going to show that she CAN trust her husband, or show that she CAN’T. Either way, she has peace of mind.

Look, she obviously had something nagging her to look at the cookies on the computer. And while pop-up ads happen on regular porn sites, they DO NOT leave cookies. You gotta click on it to get a cookie. Then the douche deflects guilt by blaming a “virus.” My bet is when confronted with the truth he squirms it into a half lie / half truth and then another and then another until finally she gets the whole truth, but by then it’s so convoluted he’ll have her believing it’s her own fault.

This woman had an intuition her husband was up to no good and she was right. Divorce shouldn’t be entered into lightly, but if something drastic isn’t done she’s going to end up living a life of misery with a douche canoe. And if nothing else, what does that teach her son? Better to teach her son that women are strong, independent, and deserve to be happy and treated right.

[…] entitled Do Children Ever Belong on Reality TV? And the other was a Mouthy Housewives post about a woman who discovered her husband was trolling the web for local sex partners. Included in the response to the post was this, “If you choose to move on with your marriage, […]

09.14.11#30

Comment by I'm a big ol' b with a captial B!.

Porn is only a ‘nonissue’ with both people in the relationship agree to the terms. It is, however, an issue for couples who disagree about it. Porn is still a preference and it’s not ‘wrong’ to not want your spouse watching it or certain kinds, etc. So don’t assume that everyone is comfortable with it and ‘What now’ may not be… and it’s her choice and she’s not wrong to feel that way.

My husband and I like different kinds of porn so we both have our own stashes and some we can both enjoy together.

Oh, PORN. I read Prom. I thought he was looking for sex with someone wearing a prom frock. Now that would be nasty. Have you seen some of those monstrosities?

Either way, you will lose your life playing detective if this is not cleared up in a transparent way – and straight away. Checking and re-checking, then checking again becomes an addiction in and of itself. So if there is a virus, that is the one you will catch.

Good luck.

Plano Mom Reply:September 15th, 2011 at 9:33 am

I came back to catch up on this subject, and I have to say this is my favorite comment of all.

Porn is one thing, random sex partners is another. If he’s up to no good, there’s a trail somewhere- bank account, credit card statements, phone records, new gym membership? Does he manicure his privates? Dig deeper.

[…] it is the latter, as I suspect it is, and you feel that your marriage is in trouble, run and don’t walk to the counselor’s office. You need to address the issues of […]

11.16.13#34

Comment by Esper.

This is tough for you I know, with a small child, the division of the family in your mind. Hard I know, but in the next 1,2,5 years if he just keeps on repeating this after he says he will stop, where are you going to draw the line in the sand?

Hmm it looks like your website ate my first comment
(it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
I as well am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything.

Do you have any tips and hints for novice blog writers? I’d definitely appreciate it.

Although The Mouthy Housewives offer a great deal of wisdom, this is an entertainment site and should not take the place of medical and psychological treatment. All questions submitted become the exclusive property of The Mouthy Housewives. Questions may be edited for clarity and length. The opinions expressed on the site are solely those of The Mouthy Housewives.