Posts Tagged ‘Couples Therapy’

“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” Charlie Brown and the Grinch have something in common, the lost meaning of Holidays. For the Grinch, being mean transfers his lack of joy on others. For Charlie Brown, the holidays are things he suffers mostly in silence and endures.

Are you like the Grinch or Charlie Brown? You aren’t alone. The holiday rush is a time when many people express to me unequivocally that they “hate the holidays.” When pressed, they tell me that they really love the gathering and the festivities; it’s the work they hate. They feel obligated to do things they don’t want to do or don’t feel supported in doing those things.

We spend some time considering how they might want to choose what they do and create holiday rituals that create joy instead of drain them.

Sometimes changing things up is part of the answer. Think about what is really important about the holidays and think about curtailing some activities or tasks if they bring more aggravation than joy.

Even if you do that, you also need to ask for the help in doing all those holiday things. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do that.

Don’t be resentful. Ask for what you need instead. In my line of work, I help couples raise issues in their relationship that are sometimes conflictual. That includes the holidays. Dr. John Gottman, well known for his research in relationship stability and divorce prediction and cofounder of the “Gottman Method” of therapy I practice, found that couples who stay together are gentlewhen they bring up a concern or issue in their relationship and they ask for what they need.

How we ask for what we need creates opportunity for connection with those we love. When we don’t ask for what we need, we can feel disconnected and resentful.

That leads to problems sooner or later.

Broader requests are not as good as specific ones. Let me give you an example from my own Thanksgiving dinner. Several people were standing around doing nothing. I could have yelled “help me!!!,” but that would neither be polite nor asking for what I specifically needed. Instead, I asked those standing around to please cover the leftovers with aluminum foil. Seems so minor but even that asking matters because if I hadn’t, I could have felt angry that people weren’t helping and could have felt overburdened. Instead I felt supported.

With so many things happening over the holiday season, it is vital to ask those you love for what you need. Whether its help with the shopping, wrapping, decorating or cooking, asking for what you need is essential. Being gentle and clear also gives the person hearing the request the greater possibility for success. So if you start to feel overwhelmed. Turn to your partner and let them know, “Honey, I am feeling overwhelmed and I would really appreciate your help. There is a lot of shopping left to do and I need you to help with getting the gifts for your parents.”

Practice this, and maybe you too can rediscover the joy of the holidays like Charlie Brown or the Grinch.

No matter how you celebrate Valentine’s Day, be it at a trendy new restaurant or a home cooked meal, make Love Maps part of the evening. Love mapping is a phrase used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy that means asking open-ended questions to better know the internal world of your partner. Asking these types of questions can deepen intimacy in a relationship.

In the beginning phase of relationships, Love Maps are generally strong because we are curious about the person we are falling in love with . . . we want to know everything. We ask questions about their favorite music, foods and travel destinations, career aspirations and so on. But Love Maps are also about hopes, goals, values and convictions. Human beings are complex and there are an endless supply of questions we can ask.

But as love relationships progress past the honeymoon phase we often fail to continue asking these types of questions. We think we know everything there is to know about our partner and we lose our curiosity. This is unfortunate because as we evolve what was once true may no longer be. Love Maps are important all all stages of relationships.

So this Valentine’s Day we suggest that you have more intimate conversation by asking Love Map questions. Ask questions about their past, present and future . . . and don’t forget to throw in a few sex Love Maps questions. Here’s a sample of the types of questions you can ask.

1. What is your favorite childhood memory?

2. What is your sexual fantasy?

3. If you won the lottery, how would you spend the money?

4. How do you envision your life after you retire?

5. What are your top 5 travel destinations?

6. What is the biggest challenge you are currently facing?

7. Who do you most admire?

8. What does romance mean to you?

9. What is your biggest regret?

10. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

11. What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

12. What are your most treasured possessions?

13. What do you like most about yourself?

14. What do you like least about yourself?

15. What do you most fear about getting older?

16. What are your religious/spiritual beliefs?

17. What is your biggest unrealized dream?

18. When we met, what was your first impression of me?

19. What is your favorite lovemaking position?

20. What makes you feel most competent?

Questions such as these build a deep friendship and intimate bonds that surpass all other relationships. Now isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is all about?

In October we put on another Art and Science of LoveWeekend Workshop. It was our biggest workshop to date. As we reflected on the success of the workshop we realized there are many reasons we love this work.

1. We love seeing couples committed to working on their relationships. At this workshop we had couples travel far and wide to deep their connection, including Virginia, Illinois, Mexico and even South Africa. Good things happen when couples commit to building friendship and intimacy.

2. The fact that we had couples from such diverse locations speaks volumes to how Gottman Method Couples Counseling is spreading. Therapists trained in this method are now in Australia, Canada, Korea, Norway, Sweden and Turkey. A therapist from Mexico attended our workshop and she now is seeking Level 1 training. It is exhilarating to be involved in this global movement.

3. We love and appreciate the support of our partners in putting on our workshops. Both of our husbands help us role play techniques taught over the course of the weekend. We demonstrate how to deal with actual issues from our personal lives. Invariably evaluations show this to be a favorite part of our workshop. Seeing the vulnerability of our partners and learning that all couples have conflict make this approach very accessible to participants.

4. We love that this is a comfortable process for couples. Couples appreciate that we make the workshop fun and interactive, yet a private, intimate experience. It is not therapy yet yields the same results as 6 month of marital therapy.

5. This material works! Time and again we have seen couples re-ignite the flames of passion, smooth out rough spots or make a complete transformation in their relationship over the course of the weekend. Gottman Method Couples Therapy is based on 40+ years of research and the techniques used are powerful.

My son will be starting high school next year and he must select an area of emphasis to guide him in course selection, such as Law Enforcement or Science and Technology. His initial reaction was to choose a path that matched his aptitude, not necessarily his passion.

This has generated plenty of discussion around the dinner table. My husband and I shared how neither one of us followed our intuition or passion and initially wound up in unfulfilling jobs.

One of my favorite authors, Wayne Dyer, often says “Don’t die with your music still inside you.”. In his latest book I Can See Clearly Now, he details the twists and turns his life took and how he always followed his intuition and passion to create a life of purpose and fulfillment.

We all have music inside us and we all have dreams. Careers should be full of passion, not just paychecks. But passions also arise in many other areas, such as travel, adventures, sports, creative outlets . . . there is no limit when it comes to passion and dreams. These are not just bucket-list items to be checked off, but things we feel called to do in our lifetime.

As I reflected on how I arrived in a career that I love, I felt a debt of gratitude for my husband. He has supported me along the way in more ways that I can count. And I have done the same for him.

In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, making life dreams come true is at the top of the Sound Relationship House because it is one of the necessary ingredients in relationships that work. In fact, Gottman believes it is the most important thing.

Initially I was surprised by this statement, but as I now reflect on it, I can see from personal experience that when partners support each others dreams it generates many positive feelings. We feel heard and supported in our relationship, cherished by our partner and happier in our life. And I believe the same is true for our children too.

My son’s music is just now emerging, literally. While he may have an aptitude for math, his passion is creating music. The teen years are full of inspiration and dreams, and how he navigates his adolescence will have a tremendous impact on the rest of his life. Helping him to feel safe to explore his dreams and to feel the supported is one of the best gifts I can give him.

“When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.” Daniel Wile, After the Honeymoon

Truer words have not been spoken. Most couples have the same arguments over and over and over again. In his research, John Gottman found that these perpetual problems account for 69% of the issues couples face. In long term studies, the date on the calendar was the only thing that changed.

Why do couples have perpetual problems?

The reason these hamster wheel arguments occur is because compromise fails to work on some issues. Take religion for example. When one partner is Catholic and the other is Jewish they may not have an issue before they marry and have children. But once the kids come along they may deeply desire their children to practice their faith. They dig their heels in because they think their views are correct and their partner’s are misguided.

Then the fighting begins.

Over time these hot button issues can become gridlocked. When this happens both partners refuse to budge on their position and dig their heels in further. The more they defend their position on the issue, the more they feel criticized and disliked by their partner.

Just like deeply held convictions, personalities also don’t change over time. An extroverted husband will never make his introverted wife morph into a social butterfly, no matter how great a case he makes that extroverts are better.

So what’s the answer?

In a word, dialogue . . . talking with the intent to understand and accept your partner rather than fighting and criticizing in an attempt to make them see how deeply flawed they are.

Recently in our Art & SCIENCE of Love Couples Weekend Workshop we drove this point home by teaching several techniques to better understand one another. It’s amazing what a little listening and understanding can do. Here’s what they said on exit surveys:

1. Came to epiphany on key area of conflict, which helped us move forward.

2. It gave me the tools to address major conflict area and confidence to use them.

3. Gave me hope that my husband will understand that he can have a perception of a situation and mine may be different.

4. Perpetual issue discussion…we need improvements in this area and I think this helped us take steps in the right direction.

5. Processing past regrettable incidents was very helpful in talking and being heard on an issue we had felt bad about for 2 years. It gave us hope that we will be able to gently take out the garbage.

6. More understanding on both sides of gridlock issue has been established.

When couples can accept one another’s differences, they tend to mellow over time and can often find amusement in the situation. It’s like the movie When Harry Met Sally. Throughout the movie it drove Harry nuts that Sally ordered everything on the side. But by the end of the movie he came to accept it and said I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

“You’ve gained so much weight . . . I am no longer attracted to you”.

More than 34% of Americans are now obese and it has become a national epidemic. Co-morbidities related to obesity, like diabetes, often take the spotlight but weight issues have deleterious effects on relationships as well.

Weight Gain Often Accompanies Marriage

Couples can become couch potatoes, watching TV instead of being on the go. Working out may take a backseat now that one is no longer on the prowl for a mate. Nurturing your loved one with delicious meals, celebrating with food and frequently enjoying cocktails together can pack on the pounds. Couples can influence one another with eating patterns, often to their detriment, and this can boost caloric intake.

Much to my chagrin, weight and body shape changes can and do occur over time. Pregnancy, menopause and the aging process all contribute to changes in size and shape. Couples who support each other through these transitions tend to be the happiest. Change is inevitable and it is best to accept that some change in weight and physical attractiveness will happen for both of you over time.

Weight and Marital Unhappiness

Unfortunately for many couples weight issues take front and center stage in marital unhappiness. When one partner gains weight, the other often doesn’t know how to handle it. Sometimes they try unsolicited advice like “Go to the gym with me” or “Maybe you should give Weight Watchers a try”. Advice giving can morph into nagging or ultimatums, and this constant pressure adds conditionality to the relationship.

Derogatory remarks about weight are devastating to a relationship. Name calling, telling your partner you are no longer sexually attracted to them or saying oink oink every time your overweight partner reaches for seconds all cut to the core. Being critical of your partner is toxic and according to John Gottman is one of the predictors of divorce. We all want to feel loved for reasons beyond the number on the scale or our clothing size.

Attacking the overweight spouse compounds the problem by adding layer upon layer of shame and humiliation. Making negative comparisons or ogling a sexy stranger makes the overweight partner feel worse, more insecure and vulnerable. Instead of feeling cherished, one feels disrespected and devalued. Using shame as a tool to motivate always backfires.

Shame is different from guilt. According to Brene Brown, shame researcher from University of Houston, shame is very painful and focuses on our self worth and sense of belonging. Shame says “I am fat and unworthy of love”. Guilt focuses on behavior and says “I overate and feel miserable”. Shame interferes with our connection to self, as well as to our partner.

Women who have engaged in lifelong battles with their body are especially prone to shame when they plump up after marriage. They feel big and unsexy and often dress to hide their curves. Whereas they once pranced naked in front of their partner, now they dress and undress in private. They often avoid sex in order to avoid rejection. They simply feel “not good enough” or unworthy.

We used to think that men were less prone to body image issues, but the truth is their issues were present but off the radar. They often share the same feelings of shame when they gain weight.

Secrecy is often a component of shame and weight issues. This wreaks havoc in relationships, especially if the overweight partner has binge eating disorder (BED). People with BED eat salads in front of their partner and gorge on junk food in private. Bingers are not only grazers and chocolate cravers, but they feel out of control with eating. They avoid eating in front of others to avoid judgment and in the process destroy intimacy and emotional connection. It’s like an affair, only the affair partner is food. Not only does the couple need marital counseling, but the binger will also need individual therapy to deal with their issues.

Many other dysfunctional patterns arise in couples where eating issues or BED are present. Chronic dieting to compensate for overeating affects how couples approach food in social situations. It also affects rituals of connection like family dinnertime and holiday food traditions. Sometimes we see issues of codependency or enabling by placing the responsibility of the eating issue on the normal weight partner. Other times we see sabotage through the form of temptation, especially if the binger loses weight and there are underlying power struggles in the couple. And sometimes couples abuse food together to promote a sense of closeness.

The Real Cause of Marital Unhappiness

But is the excess weight or the presence of BED to blame for plummeting marital happiness and sexual intimacy? Not so according to Gottman. In his extensive research of couples he found that 70% of both men and women report satisfaction with sex, romance and passion when the quality of their friendship was good. Additionally he found that couples whose sex lives go well after the birth of a baby stem from the man keeping his mouth shut about the changes in his wife’s body.

Friendship, fondness, admiration and deep emotional bonds are what keep couples connected as they traverse changes over time. Attraction to your partner has more to do with what’s in the emotional bank account than the number on the scale. Physical changes are not at the heart of deteriorating marriages. Happy couples see their partner as worthy of honor and respect.

In couples where weight has become a weighty issue, there are underlying problems that are being overshadowed by the weight gain. It is easy to point the finger at the obvious, but loss of the friendship system, emotional avoidance or problems with conflict management are more likely the root cause. Weight loss alone will not change the trajectory of a troubled relationship.

As we say in Gottman Method Couples Counseling, every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay. Never comment adversely about your partners weight or your attraction to them. Instead be affectionate and appreciative. Focus on their positive attributes instead of dwelling on their weight. Kind comments reassure your partner that you love them no matter what their body looks like.

As for dealing with shame, the antidote is empathy. Replacing shame talk with positive self talk is crucial. In other words, if you are overweight talk to yourself like you would talk to your child. When shame is present it grows by leaps and bounds when it is stuffed. Release shame by talking to your partner . . . their job is to express empathy and understanding.

Couples need to maintain positive regard for one another to cope with the changes that time brings, and that includes changes in weight and physical attractiveness.

We are on the brink of divorce and I can’t get my husband (or wife, or life partner) to go to marriage counseling? What can I do?

Believe it or not, distressed couples wait an average of SIX years before seeking the help of a marriage counselor. Unaware of the slow erosion that is taking place, they don’t notice the Four Horsemen of the Apocalyse have set up camp in their home. Oh, they may know they have some degree of unhappiness, but they keep waiting for the other person to change to get the relationship back on track.

When the fog begins to lift and one partner accepts that the relationship simply is not working, they have an AHA moment and begin googling couples counselors. Finding a few names they are sure their partner will want to dispel their pain with the help of an experienced therapist. When they are met with There’s no way in hell I am airing our dirty laundry in front of a therapist. I had a previous bad experience in counseling and I don’t believe in therapy, a sense of panic sets in.

If your partner is resistant to therapy, all hope is not gone yet. Try the following:

Stop making your partners flaws the main reason you need counseling. Take ownership over your feelings and say things like I am so sad that we have become so distant. I miss who we used to be as a couple. Please go to counseling with me so we can get our happiness back.

Ask your partner to go to ONE session. Many times resistant partners will relax with an experienced therapist and agree to join in the process.

If your partner is using the cost of counseling as a reason to not go, check with your insurance company. Many plans cover marriage/family counseling. It is possible that you have this as a covered benefit and will only have to pay a copay. Or your employer may offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and you can get a few free sessions. Check with your Human Resources Department.

Consider a couples workshop or marriage retreat, like The Art & Science of Love. This Gottman Method workshop is ideal for resistant partners because it is not therapy, although the effects are like having six months of couples’ therapy. The workshop is educational, research based and there is no public disclosure.

Go to counseling on your own. While nothing replaces the dynamic setting of couples counseling where both partners are working on issues, individual counseling may be of some benefit. You will have a safe environment to explore your feelings. If you are truly willing to work on the relationship, you will begin to take ownership over how your behavior has contributed to negative patterns. A word of caution though, individual counseling that is just used for venting or trashing your partner will not be effective, and in fact, can be harmful to the relationship.

If after trying these things and your partner is still unwilling to get help, you might be faced with the fact they are unwilling to work on the relationship. Not only are they avoiding the therapist’s couch, they are avoiding working on it in any form or fashion. This can be a painful realization and you may want to seek individual counseling.

If your world has been shattered by the discovery that your partner is having an affair, you may be wondering if your relationship can survive this, or maybe even wondering if you should bother trying.

The word affair conjures up an image of a sexual tryst but that is not the only type of betrayal we are seeing these days. Emotional affairs, sexting, online or virtual romances can be equally, if not more, destructive to partnerships.

Most think that infidelity stems from availability . . . . a husband on an overnight business trip has opportunity or a wife with a hot personal trainer while her husband is at work. But that is not generally how the path to a cheating heart is travelled.

Affairs arise from emotional dismissiveness and emotional avoidance in relationships. These couples avoid expressing their true feelings to their partners in an attempt to avoid conflict. Over time these couples become very emotionally distant and feel very neglected in their relationship. It is this isolation and loneliness that primes them to make room for an attentive affair partner in their life . . . someone who will listen, give them compliments and laugh at their jokes. And eventually this leads to make negative comparisons about their partner and permission to stray.

Of course all hell breaks loose when an affair is discovered. The betrayed partner has a knife jammed in their heart, feeling the deep wounds of broken trust, blindsided by someone they thought they knew. The traumatic nature of this discovery leads to symptoms of post-traumatic stress (PTSD) that include intrusive thoughts, depression, anxiety, emotional numbing and flashbacks.

Often this is the juncture where couples seek relationship counseling. They are in such crisis that I liken it to an anaphylactic reaction in need of an Epi-Pen . . . they want immediate relief. Remember, these are a couples that hate conflict and they are at a loss on what to do or how to heal.

A skilled couples therapist will complete a thorough assessment of the current situation, their history as a couple and their individual backgrounds. In Gottman Method Couples Therapy we follow the Gottmans’ Trust Revival Method for dealing with affairs. This three phase approach involves:

The Atonement Phase: This phase involves full confession, expression of remorse and apology, verification that the affair is over and dealing with the betrayed partner’s PTSD. The couple begins to explore what went wrong in the relationship and why it culminated in an affair, but the cheating partner must take 100% responsibility for the breach of trust. The most difficult phase of therapy, this stage will last as long as it needs to last, and the cheating partner must have infinite patience while their partner deals with his their emotions.

The Attunement Phase: In this phase the couple begins rebuilding their relationship. They recognize that previous relationship wasn’t meeting their needs and it cannot and should not be resurrected in the same manner. They need to build skill in developing deeper emotional bonds, better communication, conflict management skills, friendship and romance.

The Attachment Phase: In the final stage we work on forgiveness having real meaning, deepening their commitment, building a shared meaning for the future and re-establishing a strong foundation.

Some couples can survive affairs and some can’t. The likelihood of survival increases if they can openly talk about the affair, their pre-existing problems and have infinite patience while they work through the three phases of recovery.