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Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic

University of Kentucky – Last Thursday, an unsuspecting 8AM circuits class in FPAT (if you don’t know where that is, don’t worry, it’s for the smart people) was about to get rocked. In the middle of a lecture, second-year engineering student Lee Cooper ran his No.2 Paper-Mate pencil just a little too dull. He proceeded to stand up, walk to the rusty, cobwebbed pencil-sharpener, insert his pencil, and slowly crank the knob. Upon hearing the sound of the pencil-sharpener, much of the class delved into a post-traumatic high school flashback.

“It was a sound I hadn’t heard in over two years,” remarked a still-spacey Andrew Stallworth. “The sound of the wood being chipped away in that squeaky metal grinder really…really sent me back to a bad place.” After a few puffs of a cigarette, Mr. Stallworth continued, “When I came to, I had drawn about 60 of those S-shaped things in my notebook, had given out all of my pieces of gum, and apparently raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom.”

Dr. Lei Chin is a psychiatrist who specializes in post-traumatic stress recovery. “It will take many of these students months, some years, to recover from what happened here today,” explained Dr. Chin. “High school can be a difficult time for many people, but the fact that this was an engineering class is especially troubling when you think about it. Why did these kids become engineering majors to begin with? Because their high school social experience was so shitty. They had to relive parts of it today.”

UK campus security and paramedics rushed to the scene as soon as they received word of the event. Officer Abe Burrows spoke with reporters. “The students are being cared for as we speak. All left to do now is offer thoughts, pray, and learn from the mistakes of Mr. Cooper. I mean, seriously, who the fuck is still using those pencils? Just buy a mechanical, be a normal guy.”

UK plans to tie the pencil-sharpeners into the UK Alert System so students can be awoken and warned every time one is used.