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Monday, September 30, 2013

I enjoyed the crap out of my time away. There is something about the canyon that just makes me feel peaceful. Except the walking out of it part. That just makes me feel tired. :)

The highlight of the trip for me was the drive from the North Rim to the South Rim. It takes about 4 hours and goes through some absolutely beautiful country.

Two years ago, I cried the whole way around. I felt angry, sad, scared, bitter, frantic and scattered. That year was an absolute disaster and although I was not the one behaving inappropriately, I felt like it was all my fault. You see, that was my role. I was the one to carry the blame, carry the bitterness and unhappiness of another person. It has taken me nearly two years to shed that role.

But shed it I have. I guess it will always be a work in progress but today I feel like I am a completely different person than I was two years ago.

On my drive this year, I cranked up my "I Heart Jesus" playlist and just sang my heart out. I did cry a little but it was tears of joy and thankfulness. I realize that I am a bit odd in that I do not miss for one second the marriage I was in. I feel sad that the dream of a partner and family that I had when I was younger did not come to pass but the actual player in the reality was not someone I could miss today. Mostly I feel thankful that I was given the opportunity to change and to come back to life.

One song I was listening to was called "I See You" by Love and the Outcome (favorite band!!!! Check them out on iTunes). The chorus goes like this:

I've had my share of suffering I know the pain that life can bring I've gone through some things I may never understand (never understand) But You've been good when life was not Through battles won and battles lost And when I look back On everything I've been through I see You (I see You)
It caused me to reflect on the battle I was fighting two years ago. I was desperately trying to hold my marriage together and doing a poor job of it. I did lose that battle. However, I feel that Jesus won the battle he was waging for me. I have experienced God in a way that I never had and it has been due to my divorce. Strange that a God that hates divorce would allow so much good to come into my life because of it. I still don't understand that. Maybe I never will. But when I look back on it all, I see the hand of the Lord guiding me along. Sometimes along a path I didn't understand. But I have tried to be faithful and because of that, I have seen the blessing that comes from it.

I feel like this fits into the year of living healthfully. Getting emotionally healthy has been very important to me. I did not become overweight simply from food. It has been an evil combination of food, stress, poor self esteem and a whole bunch of other stuff that feeds on each other. My emotional health will play a big role in getting my physical health back. Sometimes I don't think people realize how down on myself that I am since I am usually smiling and laughing. But this issue weighs heavily on me and sometimes makes me feel panicked.

Shedding my role as the keeper of the blame and the fixer of another person's problems has got to weigh something, right? ;)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

In a few days I embark upon my sixth Grand Canyon walkabout! I cannot wait to get out there and soak it all in.

In 2011, as my marriage was ending, my ex convinced me that we should still go on this trip together. He sold it as a "rekindling" type of trip. Stupidly, I totally fell for it. It ended up being the worst trip of my life! I don't have a single picture from that year because I care to remember none of it (except my good friend and her husband that joined us--how awkward for them!). He ignored me the whole time and talked on the phone to his "friend". I cried constantly and felt so angry and frustrated.

This is the year that I drive a car from the North Rim to the South Rim--about four hours. It is an absolutely gorgeous drive and it makes me so happy to watch the landscape roll by. Last time I cried for that whole four hours. It was pure misery.

This year will be different! I am different. I have some awesome playlists ready to go on my ipod and I plan to bring some cash so I can shop at the little Native American jewelry stands that are all along the road. I am going to enjoy this drive and reflect on an amazing two years of transformation. I shall redeem the trip from hell and replace with a trip of beauty, growth and awesomeness!

Then I'm hiking down the Bright Angel Trail about 3 miles to wait for my dad. I'll bring my kindle but it is far more likely that I will spend the waiting time talking to other hikers! It is my favorite thing to do--provide encouragement to hikers coming up and meeting people from all over the world.

Once I meet up with Jimbo, we'll head back up. I will be fresh and spry while the rest of them slog it out. :) Then we all meet for dinner (it ends up being a loosely knit group of 40 people!) and tell stories of our days.

I just can't wait. :)

On a separate note, this will be the first time I've traveled alone since 1996. Crazy!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I got a bike ride in today and took care of some annoying tasks that have been hanging over my head. I had pizza twice but still managed to stay within my calories for the day. I am hungry now and would kill for a glass of wine but water with a lime will have to do!

I've had several people ask me what my plan is. My answer is that I have no clue. But I am okay with that. I have boldly embarked on millions of plans, only to fail completely by the 2 week marker.

This time is different. This time I am focusing on my motivator rather than my plan. The best plan is worthless without a motivator.

It's relatively easy to find a motivator--I want to weigh X number of pounds, I want to fit into a certain size of clothing, I want to be attractive to the opposite sex, etc, etc. I thought a noble one was that I wanted to get "healthy" for my kids. What that really means is that I don't want to be a fat mom that gets them teased.

But this time I have the best, most amazeballs reason ever. Ready for it?

I need to free up the real estate in my head.

This has never crossed my mind before. But as I have pondered this year of living healthfully, I have realized that I spend an ENORMOUS amount of time thinking about my weight, my size and my failures to lose weight. I also spend a lot of time dreaming up ways to cheat it, how to dress myself nicer so I look slimmer, how to exercise (but never doing much), how to eat (but choosing to overeat instead). Fricking waste of time.

I need this real estate. I have lost brain cells due to motherhood and I really can't afford to lose any more. I need this space in my head.

I need space to heal and grow as a single woman and single mom. I need space to store up energy and motivation to parent when I am completely spent. I need space to brainstorm ideas for my business, space to be creative.

I am evicting my weight from my head. I will no longer spend time and energy thinking about it. As I've moved through my healing process from the divorce, I learned to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to God. When I feel myself slipping into a place of unforgiveness, I have phrases that I say to myself and to God to get back on track.

I believe this strategy will work here.

This issue is no longer up for debate. This issue has been evicted. Focus on living healthfully.

I seemed to have sparked something with my little Facebook post. Apparently there are quite a few people out there just like me--completely fed up but somehow not making any progress.

I'm a pretty open person--I don't really care if people think I am cool or not. I want people to like me, sure, because I have Woo in my Top 5 and enjoy making connections. But I have no problem putting my grossness out there. Not entirely sure why. When I was younger a move like this would have mortified me. Perhaps this is a result of being closer than ever to 40?

If you have decided to walk alongside me for this year of living healthfully, welcome! So glad you made it. I am not going to pretend I have a grand plan or any answers at all. All I know is that I have tried and failed a hundred times and I don't want to do it any more.

I don't see this year as the year of a diet. I really don't. Obviously eating will be a big part of weight loss. But I have learned that I don't do well with "you can't have this" diets. Does anyone? I need flexibility and I need something that is sustainable in the long run. I don't want to live in constant fear that if I stop eating according to a diet plan that I will plump up again.

Today I started my morning off with a multivitamin. Small step to be sure, but one that I needed to take. I neglect my body quite often. Taking care of two kids as a single mom tends to be quite a bit of work at times (which I wouldn't trade for anything!). When I do have downtime I am usually comatose on the couch. I don't take very good care of me. It's almost like when I have time to do something healthy for myself, I fear taking action as though expending too much energy on life will be the thing that sends this whole thing into chaos. I think this is a remnant of living in a constant state of stress when I was married. I am actually a hard worker with a huge capacity to get stuff done. But for a long time I was in survival mode and there really wasn't much energy left at the end of the day. I get to change that now.

So today I swallowed a pill that will help fill in the gaps in my nutrition. And now I am going to have a cup of tea!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Yet another year has passed and my weight is the one thing that hasn't changed. It is also the one thing I think about most often, the one that takes up the most space in my life and in my head.This sh*t has to stop.Last year, I proclaimed that my 35th year would be the best year ever, the year I got this issue straightened out! What really happened this year? I gained 10 pounds. WTF.A few months ago I went to a coaching workshop on Transformation. I want a Transformation (yes, with a capital T!). I took great notes and will look through them shortly on how to proceed from here.Bottom line--I need these extra 60 pounds gone. Gone. For good. I want to feel pretty, strong healthy. I could name a hundred really great reasons to lose weight but only one is the game changer--I need to free up space in my head. I need to shed pounds that are keeping me from grabbing life by the balls! I want to be the best single mom to my kids, I want to be a hot lady who gets dates with the right kind of guys and I want to grow a successful coaching business. I can do it, I know I can. So why haven't I? Because I am lazy. Because I am scared. Because if I fail again, I'll never get back up. Enough. This sh*t has to stop.The year will officially begin on November 18, my 36th birthday. This blog will chronicle my progress. My struggles. My ultimate success. I have no doubt that if I try, I can drop 60 pounds before I turn 37. 37! Good Lord. How did I get this old?