COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – For a few of central Ohio’s needy, the holidays will be a little bit less hungry. Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” will be handing out over 200 hams to those who are in need. Food hand outs started back in 2005 when Pastor Phelps took over for the ailing Pastor Riffic. Pastor Phelps recalled, “We had about 50 people come to the church when we were handing out turkeys. Since then, the demand has grown and we are pleased to serve our Christian community.”

The church does not force people to be part of their congregation to receive the free ham. Pastor Phelps explains, “While we do not discriminate against non-church goers, we did switch from giving away turkeys to giving away hams in 2008 so that we would not get any hungry Muslims or Jews. We want to help as many Christians as possible, so the ham seems to keep the others away.” When asked if needy atheists would be turned away, Pastor Phelps laughed, “We’ll feed the Godless, too. Maybe when they see how generous and kind we are, they will change their ways.”

COLUMBUS, OH (HJ)– Joyce Withers stands outside the Kroger’s grocery store in the 43 degree weather with her three year old grasping on to her leg. The sign Mrs. Withers holds reads, “Thanksgiving: Thanks to Jesus.” Her daughter’s sign, which is lying forgotten against a row of carts reads, “It’s not Turkey Day, Give Thanksgiving to the Lord!”

Mrs. Withers is part of a growing group of religious devotees that believe Thanksgiving is losing its religious focus. “Saying Turkey Day is just as bad as saying X-Mas or Bunny Day. It’s downright evil.” She and hundreds of others plan continued protest today across the United States and California.

As many are aware, the Pilgrims sought religious freedoms when they came to America. Miss Wither’s explains, “The dinner with the Indians was a lot like the Last Supper. Bread was broken in the name of the Lord. Now days we celebrate in a similar way: The Turkey represents God. Jesus is the gravy and the Holy Spirit is the stuffing. I like the Holy Spirit part the best. Especially when it is cooked inside God.”

Mrs. Wither’s plans on protesting through the end of today and into Turkey Day. “We’ll be here through Thursday night and then we go and stand in line at the Wal-Mart so that we can get in on the early morning sales for Christmas.”

1. Buy a $15,000 car.2. Pay lawyer to fight my case against IRS3. $14,950 worth of ones and use the left over $50 to buy a one dollar bill folding machine4. $7,500 of vinegar and $7,500 worth of baking soda5. Buy 517 copies of Sarah Palin's book and use the leftover $12.17 for gasoline and matches6. Buy a 60 ton Swedish Fish7. Get 15,000 40oz-ers and make 5000 bums happy for the night8. Invest in a better website designer. Possibly hire a real writer.9. Get someone to do P-Dub's homework 10. Pay off credit card, pay off mini van, and use the left over $50 to buy TurboTax 2009.

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Sarah Palin announced today from her book signing tour that she will not be seeking the Presidential bid in 2012. “Instead I will be refocused on the path that Americans if they will allow me to run for the office of the Vice President.” Upon hearing the statement, the wall to wall Columbus, Ohio crowd erupted, chanting, “Veep! Veep! Veep! Veep!”

Palin’s logic was very interesting, “I plan on hitting all those Primaries states, but in the opposite order of the Presidential Primaries so as not to be in the Primaries with the others who are in the Primaries for the occupation that is the Presidential Primary.” When asked about a preference as to which possible President she would like to serve under, she laughed, “We all know that doesn’t matter as long as I can accomplish that of which the American people hire me for; to get the job done!”

When it was mentioned that the President and Vice-President are elected together and not separately, Palin gave us a smile and said, “You know, those career politicians in Washington DC might want to trick the American people into voting how they want them to vote. That sounds a lot like Hitler’s Germany to me.”

Palin’s supporters rallied behind her decision. Don Beardee of Columbus was pleased, “I know Sarah will make a great American Vice-President no matter what President she serves under. What she lacks in debating, she make up for in character.” We played along and asked Sarah about the possibility of Obama getting re-elected in 2012 and Palin getting elected as Vice-President and having to serve under him. She smiled and said, “That possibility is a possibility and I have to take it under consideration as to my words with him and actions when international laws are broken and my feelings about dithering in Afghanistan and our brave soldiers needing patriotic support with the gotcha media and policy of really wanting to get those jobs so it is a possible possibility as I mentioned before. GO AMERICA!”

We have a cupboard full of samples and someone sorted them out into several, unlabeled Tupperware bins. I thought this would be a wonderful activity for the intern to sift through the boxes and summarize what was in them on labels.

This is exactly what I told him to do, "Look in each bin and figure out what the samples are. Then label the bins on the top, front and back with the contents."

My hometown of Westerville is asking residents to take a survey about city services. Postcards were sent in the mail to help residents get to the survey website.

Here's a scan of the survey:

My initial thought was that they might track me down if I said some awful things about the city. (I really don't have any thing bad to say. Westerville is an great place to live with excellent city services.) Luckily, they included this disclaimer about anonymity:

That's great! They will not track my responses with some type of household identification number. And then I read down a few lines of the instructions:

Nice. I really assume that they are not using this number to track residents, but rather the areas of town or perhaps to only allow one survey per household. But they probably should have called that number something a little different.

The best part of the instructions comes a few lines later when they try to explain that this is a household survey and that only one member of the household should answer the online questions. For the couple that can't get their shit together and decide who should fill out the survey, they provide a marriage counseling solution:

I met Eddie Goldstein in Denver back in 1995. He's a magician and a trickster. A friend and a an awesome guy to know. My company is smart enough not to send me to very many conferences as I might do something that would reflect poorly upon our institution. Every year that I do not go to the big yearly conference, I ask my co-workers to say hello to Eddie for me.

This year, someone went to the conference and said hi to Eddie for me. He in turn gave them one of his business card which was then placed in my mail box. Here's the card:

I immediately noticed that the phone number was upside down so in flipping the card you get this:

That is pretty cool. I looked at it, flipping the card down side up and back again for a few minutes. Then I flipped the card over and this is what I saw:

The Outland (at least I thought it was the Outland) has re-opened and I went on Saturday night to check it out. We were wrapping up our night at the HighBall and our friends were scattering to different bars/clubs. As several opportunities opened up, John turned to me and said, “Let’s go to the Outland.” I repeated, “Let’s go to the Outland.”

Circa 1994: Capuano's brother Chuck buys Outland, a struggling gay nightclub located at 1034 Perry St. in Harrison West

Sept. 2004: The bar closes after the property is sold to the Wagenbrenner Company, which turns surrounding land into an upscale housing development

2005: The bar reopens in an old Big Bear on Harrisburg Pike on the South Side

April 2008: The bar closes after a charter school moves into the shopping center

Oct. 2009: Outland reopens in the former location of Metropolitan, a French bistro and lounge. An Eiffel Tower replica still welcomes bar-goers at the building's front entrance.

The newest version of the Outland is now located on Liberty Street in German Village. As a matter of fact, and I assume due to pending lawsuits with competing Goth bar interests, it is called The Outland on Liberty. The Eiffel Tower replica that is still out front is either on National Registry of Historic Places or just too damn expensive to remove.

Before I continue, I should build a small glossary of terms so that we will all be on the same page with the words I am about to use:

Freaky Freaks: A term of endearment. The standard attendee of the Outland… Goths, industrials, warlocks and witches. Wears black, tattooed, some make-up. A small percentage of these like to get their torture on.

Tourists: They stand out, but try to fit in. They are not in the Goth community, but enjoy the music and the atmosphere. They respect the Goth culture, except for the bit where they call them Freaky Freaks. It’s me. I am a tourist.

Popsicles: People who go to the Outland to see if what they heard was true. Little respect for the culture. They point and laugh. They only go once and that’s enough.

Torture: The area of Outland where people sign-up to get whipped or shocked or humiliated in front of everyone.

Get Your Dance On: Dance, anyway you want, without repercussions or judgment.

We arrived in separate cars and were able to take advantage of the ample German Village parking. As I waited for John to park, I watched many of the costumed people walk by, heading for the entrance. I would expect people to be “dressed up” entering The Outland on Liberty, as that’s what the Freaky Freaks do, but not as Sarah Palin or a bumblebee.

John and Bekah arrived and we headed up to the entrance.

There was something really wrong. As we walked up, there was an undeniable thump of poppy, generic club music dry heaving out the front door. This was not at all normal or actually was too normal if this were a standard club. Bland. As we stood in line, I could see the outside smoking area and it seemed like there was a mix of the standard Goths along with people dressed up in Halloween costumes. So we knew we were at the right place.

It was $5 to get in. We got in.

Inside, the same clubby music dismayed. Not that I am against club music in other clubs… I was just expecting a bit more brooding. There is a raised dance area on the left and a bar on the right. I went right. Back at the old Outland, you could order a rum and diet and they would pull out a generic bottle of rum and a 2-liter of Diet Big-K Cola. The two would negotiate real estate in the large plastic cup and usually rum would win about 85% of the cup. The Outland on Liberty did not disappoint. Generic rum was still available, but Big-K has been replaced by the fountain bar gun. The drink is still outrageously potent and cheap.Potent potable

We looked around and got our bearings. Dance floor. Bar. Girl in leather dancing on bar. Bathrooms. This could not be it. There had to be more.

There! A double hallway leading back…somewhere.

On the other end of the hallway was a bit more of what I was expecting. Another raised dance area, but this time with industrial music. Though some miracle of architecture, the teeny-bopper club music from the other side of the building did not bleed into the Goth side.

There were couches and a DJ along with the dance area. Some pool tables that looked like that had made the journey from the Perry Street were stuck in the far back. And down a small, dark hallway was the torture area. It was currently populated by some dude getting whipped by a chick. He seemed to be enjoying it. Around the corner from the secluded whipping area was a few seats and some dude was shocking/ tickling/ pleasuring a chick with electricity. It was oddly stimulating to watch.

Back out on the main floor, the three of us took it all in. And sadly, it was a bit disappointing.

For one, there is way too much light. The Outland deserves to be dark. The place was lit up like a Christmas tree and I can say that with authority because there were Christmas lights strung up everywhere. I only want to be able to see about ten feet in front of me. There is comfort in the dark.

Now because it wasn’t dark, I couldn’t help but notice the chick in the extremely skimpy bikini walking around with shots. Yes, I am a big fan of the flesh, but it just seemed out of place for the Outland to have a worker strutting around in a bikini. Same goes for the very nice girl dancing on the bar in the club area. Sure she was hot and enticing, but I never saw the Outland as a place that paid people to be entertainment. It wasn’t necessary.

My biggest issue is that I don’t like all the Popsicles busting in while I’m getting my dance on. It is one thing when a few outsiders would show up at the Outland and either assimilate or leave. But when there is an entire club of them twenty feet away, it’s hard not to have a revolving door of lookie-loos checking out the brightly lit Goths. I was there on Halloween, so everyone was playing the role of someone else and it seemed like people were getting along, but I just don’t like to mix my mediums. I want dance with the freaky freaks and not have to think that I am being checked out every five minutes by a couple of Popsicles.Two-Sack gets his dance on

I understand the need for club owners to please a larger crowd and to create a varied atmosphere for diverse patrons. But I really think that something has been lost. I’ve never seen the Outland books, so I do know if a customer base solely made up of Goths can keep a club open or not. Perhaps the owners have done this out of necessity. For a club so large, I can see where they need to pack as many people in there as possible. Perhaps Goths and Popsicles can learn to live and dance in peace. But I don’t think so and I don’t like it.

If the rumors are true that a second Goth bar will be opening in German Village and it caters to just the Goth crowd, I can all ready see a line of brooding, leather and black dressed patrons heading for a smaller, darker and accepting venue. And I’ll be right behind them.