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Alpha Submissive

So my therapist called me, for lack of a better term, an “alpha submissive”. This phrase has been stuck in my head for the last two weeks since she uttered it, rumbling around bumping up against a lot of other kink related thoughts I’ve been having lately. I want to claim it somehow, but it feels… pokey.

OK, so I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m some kind of submissive. As much as I have a sadistic streak in my heart a mile wide, I’ve never been comfortable in Domina shoes. I love to hurt people, but I’m too lazy for the rest. For a long while I settled on the sadomasochist title. It’s true, but in a clinical sort of way that doesn’t begin to touch my emotional experience. I’ve spent the last two years trying to explain to someone, anyone, what it is I’m looking for when I play. Many times that has gone astonishingly not well. Most times I didn’t have the right to words to even come close, sometimes the words just left me feeling too vulnerable to ever utter. But recently…

I hate floggers. I find spanking boring. I rarely participate in an organized “scene”. If you pull a knife out during play, I will laugh in your face unless I truly believe you are about to stab me with it – and I want you to stab me with it. I don’t lay quietly draped over a St. Andrew’s cross while my top “works on me” – I’m usually doing my best to step on her toes with my heels, kick him in the balls, or bite any appendage that comes too close. I want it to feel primal. I want blood and broken skin and the real possibility of bodily injury. I want terror and rage and hysteria and trembling and crying and maybe even triggers and flashbacks and re-traumatization. I lose all sense of self-preservation. I don’t play to provide service. I don’t play to be obedient, and I will always be an unapologetic brat. I don’t get all smooshy and gooey in subspace. Less and less often I want the obligatory “blanket and a glass of water” aftercare. More and more I want to be left in a snot-soaked mess on the floor while you kick me one last time and walk away. Or maybe left to scream and shoot hate-filled glares at you from a corner. I want to admit that pictures of needles under toenails turn me on, and scenes involving running people over with cars are the ones I secretly aspire to and wish I could handle, like a little girl wishes for ponies and high heels.

So what kind of submissive does this make? I doesn’t mean I don’t want a dominant – I do, in the worst way. But who the hell wants to dominate someone who never wants to be submissive? I don’t play to submit, I play to discover I don’t have to, ever. I play to believe that there is something fundamentally unbreakable about me no matter how broken I am. I want to be owned and protected and guided by someone who is 100% aware of the fact that I am the most high-maintenance, contradictory, wild animal they will ever own. Someone who is willing to endure just as much pain as I am during a scene. I want to be queen of the subby heap. [Please don’t take this to mean I disrespect any other sub and the way the experience submission – I DON’T.]

Maybe this is what an alpha submissive is, but I suspect I haven’t even skimmed the surface of what it could mean. I think I’m claiming it now, nonetheless. I’m planning on growing into it.

Alpha submissive – interesting term. Kind of contradictory, being alpha submissive. Sounds like your therapist is saying you want to be the #1 submissive, and the remark of being Queen certainly backs that up.
I understand the desire you feel. You want to be controlled. When we grow up with abuse, there is no control. There aren’t any boundries that are clearly defined. This takes the survivor to a lifetime of extremes, trapped in arrested development. Knowing only how to operate in that adrenaline rush “fight or flight” makes our bodies and brains comfortable in that chaotic lifestyle.
Of course your turned on by pain. So that you could survive the abuse you endured, your brain linked love and pain together. And as an adult that coping mechanism has turned against you, taking you further into the confusing abyss.
You mentioned that you want to be owned and protected. Also mentioned was that you enjoy being a “brat”. These are child like needs that went unfulfilled. As adults we cannot experience this with a companion. We have to experience it within ourselves.
There is a very battered and bruised little girl inside of you. She is angry, which fuels your desire to be bratty. It is a way to lash out against your pain. She wants a parent who will give her boundries and love, but she thinks that pain and abuse is how we get it. She just doesn’t know any other way.
Love that little girl like she is your own. It is because of her that you have survived. Show her that love can be unconditional and without consequence. When you feel the urge to be dominated or experience pain, ask her why before hand. Are all your needs met? I am not saying don’t be kinky or that kink is bad or wrong. Bedroom play can be fantastic, but by retraumatizing yourself you are helping your abuser continue to hurt you and that precious little one inside you. 🙂 Hang in there! You are so special and that inner child is so worth it! Sending you a big hug and lots of strength. Please take a minute, close your eyes and feel the kindness I am sending. It might hurt at first. It might make you cry, and if it does, please know that it is a good thing and that it doesn’t have to hurt, you just need to be your own champion and there is lots of support here. Negative comments are made out of ignorance for your situation. Keep posting, keep writing. Let it all out. I will listen and I care about your posts🙂

After some consideration, I’ve decided to go ahead and allow your comment to post. I suspect you are well-intentioned. But you seem to be laboring under multiple misconceptions.

1) I have had over 20 years of therapy, some of it quite intensive. I am well acquainted with my “inner child” and I assure you she well cared for and not lacking for attention. I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for her, and myself, and neither of us need further champion-ing.

2) The term “alpha submissive” is neither contradictory nor a symptom of arrested development. If you feel so than either a) you have failed to understand my post completely, or b) I have failed to communicate very clearly my thoughts on the subject. Maybe I will ponder a second post.

3) Being into kink is not a “coping mechanism turned against me”, nor is it my way of crying out for “boundaries and love”. At least not in the way that you imply. I am conscious of my own history and how it may contribute to my proclivities as an adult, and I am comfortable with this connection. Furthermore, I am quite capable of enforcing boundaries in my life, as I’ve had to many, many times in the past year (which may be more obvious if you had read some of my other posts) and am quite capable of giving and receiving love in a non-kink setting.

I suspect your intention was to “educate” me; I propose that perhaps you may need a bit more education yourself. I can recommend several resources if you are interested.