What Do I Talk About?

On My Mind Lately..

“Old Habits Die Hard.”

Standard

I’m really such a fool. Only an hour before, I had just gotten done telling my very best friend, basically why I’m the most stupid person out there. Or now so it seems. I had just told her that maybe she didn’t have to be so protective of me this time. That maybe she wouldn’t have to be as worried that something terrible would happen to my heart again. I told her that maybe things would be different for once. Who knew, right? Well, my maybe to her was a big fat no-and she was right. That wife: 1. This wife: -10.

This time though, I won’t burst out of this situation raging, fuming, and filled with remorse. This time, I’ll go peacefully. Knowing that yet again, I’ve done all that I could. In the past I’ve loved, I’ve trusted, I’ve opened up-only to be reassured that you can’t be trusted. Now, I just have to learn. It’s a scarring thing…being in a relationship with a pathological liar. One can assume how much potential damage it carries through to every new relationship opportunity. Let me just tell you, that that is a very real thing. Something I am gaining wisdom on, however, is that it’s not everyone else. It’s not any new guy that could potentially come into my life. It’s not the thought of any other relationship. It’s not them. It’s you. You are the one who can’t be trusted, not by me anyway. It’s time to accept that. I think I’ve learned it a little more at a time. But now it’s come to a determination point, where I feel like I see it more full on, versus the small increments. It’s at a point where I won’t be hopeful for it anymore. It’s where it needs to be. And that’s okay, good rather.

For that moment, or that hour, it did suck. The feeling of hot and sticky tears of so many hurtful years running down my face. The saddest part, I don’t even care enough to ask you why. There’s just radio silence. Nothing left to say, and nothing left to do. It just is. Or was.

I guess I’ve concluded that you were the reason there were never seemingly sparks with anyone else. Secretly, deep down I still did long for your heart. I still yearned for the feeling of being in your arms again. Repeating the memories I had cherished for years. Something sad is that I really think I could have let it all go. Let all the past lie where it may and move forward with you. I think I could have moved on from it all, but still not forget. We don’t forget so we can learn. So we can remember what the pain felt like. Remember what not to do. Remember why we tell ourselves to walk away. I know now that I had it in my heart to push forward, the thoughts of you again in my life. Seeing you as a completely new person, even just for moments at a time. But again, you took that away from me.

Maybe that’s the reason I get so sick to my stomach every time I’m with you, or think seriously about you. I truly think, as I have for a while, that it’s God’s giant billboard of caution to my heart. Warning. You know better. Turn back now.

I know you didn’t do it to hurt me, but it still hurt. I know that you had the best of intentions at heart. But that’s just irrelevant. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions simply contradict everything I believe in, everything I stand for, everything I know I deserve.

It’s just really sad. And it takes a long time and a whole lot of God to heal. Simple, right?

I think you’re the reason I got as ‘good’ at writing as people like to tell me. If I never felt all of the scarring hurt because of us, I wouldn’t have had to much sadness to write about. Always over here looking on the bright side.

So please don’t think that I don’t forgive you. I forgive you. I understand that we all have things that we battle with on a daily basis. But the things that you’re battling are scarring to me, and that’s not something I can just be okay with. There has to be a line drawn in the sand. Showing myself and God that I know how I can honor Him better. So here’s your line in my life. Consider yourself forgiven, and drawn.

So with one last hug, a kiss on the cheek goodbye, I’m left with the bleeding paper cuts from the words I write about you. And you’re left with the wet tears my cheek left on yours. But the blood will dry, and so will the tears.

We’re just a collaboration of bones, filled with qualities that we decide to see in a person. Just loving this person that could or could not be filled with hot air and oozing internal liquids. How messed up.