Shot of levity to raise your spirits

So, maybe you’re down in the dumps/land-fill and need a chuckle or two. Perhaps we can be of service here with a little shot of levity to raise your spirits and take your mind off whatever calamity, large or small, has befallen you. Try this little dose of mirthful

medicine.

Truisms

• The only thing harder than not over-eating is trying to stop yourself from telling everyone how you did it.

• Long walks are very beneficial, especially if taken by visiting relatives.

• A memo is a clever little device for avoiding clear and candid conversation.

• Experience is like drawing without an eraser.

• From all bad things come some good. For example, at least an egotist doesn’t go around talking about other people.

• The first madman to imagine he was Napoleon was — Napoleon.

• The problem with the formula for success is that it’s the same as the one for ulcers.

To whom it may concern

Many wives and husbands can relate to this one. A salesperson in a convention center store often waited on businessmen who wanted to take gifts home to their wives. During one convention, a man came into the store and silently handed the salesperson a slip of paper which read: “Since I am tired of returning black lace nightgowns, off-the-shoulder blouses and similar articles after every convention, and since the bearer of this note seems to think I am exactly the same size as whatever salesperson is waiting on him, I am enclosing the following information

“Height: 5-foot-3

“Weight: 130 lbs.

“Dress size: 11

“Shoe size: 7

“Additionally, I do not like: the colour purple, polka dots and sheer blouses. And, please do not sell him the most expensive article in the store, since we have to eat next week, too.

“Many thanks,

“This man’s Wife.”

Great laws of our time

• Children always have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night’s sleep.

• The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.

• All the available parking spots are on the other side of the street.

• After a raise in salary, you will end up with less money at the end of the month than you had before.

Those were a few of Gumperson’s Laws. Gumperson and Murphy obviously had a lot in common, as their logic is very similar. Gumperson came up with his laws when he observed that if something positive was about to happen, it would usually be overpowered by something negative.

I guess some would say he was a cynic. I guess they’re right, but it might also be said that Gumperson was pretty realistic. His laws account for the fact that if you throw a burnt match out your car window, you will start a forest fire. But no matter how many matches or how much paper you use, you can’t get a fire going under the dry logs in your fireplace.

It’s sadly ironic that Gumperson died an untimely death that mirrored his laws perfectly. He was strolling along a rural road one evening, obeying the pedestrian rule of always walking on the left, facing oncoming traffic. He was unfortunately struck down from behind by the rental car of a British visitor driving on the left-hand side of the road.

What is life like?

• Life is like a jigsaw puzzle, except you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to guide you, and sometimes you’re not even sure if you have all the necessary pieces.

• Life is like cooking. It all depends on what you add and how you mix it. At times, you follow the recipe. At other times, you’re creative and improvise. Sometimes, it boils over on you.

• Life is like eating grapefruit. First, you have to break through the skin. Then, it takes a couple of bites to get used to the taste. And then, just as you start to enjoy it, the grapefruit squirts you in the eye.