2.8.10

Brace Yourselves!

Two posts in two days!

I just wanted to quickly address “the friends thing” as most comments & emails I have got re: my last post has something to do with this.

I wrote here a while back about not having any friends here since we moved from Sydney & received buckets of support from so many people, but I don’t think I have properly expressed my feelings about not having any friends here, and why I keep going on about it.

For eleven years of my life, I was an only child. An only child who moved a lot, do you know what that tends to create? A self-sufficient child who enjoys their own company. I don’t think I had a really good friend until I was in late primary school/early high school – and that was a friendship born of necessity really, as we were the only two people, in the entire town it seemed, who didn’t like Garth Brooks.

In my whole life, up until now & not counting The Boy (who doesn’t even get my sense of humour, sadly), I think I have had four friends – and this is what is hard & makes me a bit down – four good friends that I LIKED and who I looked forward to seeing & talking to & who appreciated me & who I had fun with. Not “work friends” or acquaintances, good friends. Interestingly, each of these people came into my life at different times & was my ‘go to friend’ at the time to the exclusion of all others, which means that I still only had one friend at any one time and, equally interesting, all four of these people now live within about 2 hours of each other in another state, and many, many hours away from me.

I don’t even know if these people know how much I treasured these friendships – more than most people might, I think, because I had never had such a thing as a friend that I ‘clicked’ with, someone with whom I didn’t have to try to get along with and, shockingly to me, wanted to be MY friend. But, even as I loved these people & our relationships, I was never overtly social or outgoing. They would invite me to things that I would either refuse to go to or grudgingly be dragged along to. They would ring me & I would ‘miss’ the call. They would want to come over & I would be busy… all of these things, not surprisingly, makes me a person who it is hard to be friends with. I like people, even friends, in small doses. I like ‘me’ time, very much, after a lifetime of it, & find it hard to give up – I even struggle when The Boy has a day or two longer off work, & I know that’s why I make a terrible host when people come to stay…

…but I miss them. Even if the extent of our interaction sometimes was a fortnightly or monthly meet up. I miss that for the first time in my life, before we moved, I DID have more than one friend. That people came to see me & le Punk when she was born – one of these friends actually drove us to the hospital ( …& now I don’t even know who will watch Punky when I have to go to hospital for bubba#2), & I lament the fact that what we had we will never have again.

I also have resigned myself to the fact that it will be very hard, here, to find anyone that I ‘click’ with like that. I mean, if, in 28 years of living in various places in a couple of states, I’ve only ever accidentally come across FOUR people who ‘get me’… what chance do I have when staying put in a small town…?

I could make acquaintances. Probably easily. But that, for me, requires more effort than the kind of friendship I am talking about. It requires sacrifices of my time & of my personality that I am not willing to make, and the return on that is negligible – I would rather my alone time – but the prospect of not having anyone here, even for the very occasional chat (& LAUGH!), perhaps ever, makes me sad. Especially when I see other people that seem to make friends easily, and friends with anyone at that.

So… there we have it! I guess I’m homesick & missing things & times that were, & feel I “should” have friends – whether I like it or not, or them or not… it feels as though I am abnormal for not wanting a huge social circle or striving to be in one.

That’s why I have enjoyed blogging so much, there are so many people, SO MANY, that I have found through blogging who I find interesting, amusing & fun, and a couple who I know I would have that fabled connection with if we were ever to meet, because already the connection through this medium is uncanny, but even that seems odd – to have these ‘friends’ online & none in real life. It feels as though I am a fraud somehow, as though I am presenting a likeable, amiable side of myself that people I meet don’t get to see – but I don’t think I am… Blogging about things I like & do is much easier than talking to strangers about things I don’t have much interest in, true, but everything I present here is ‘me’, and I am wildly pleased when others stumble in here & find something for them too.

….and who knows… this episode of blogging honesty & emotion might be the end of the draught… but don’t quote me.

PS - Go here to see the same sort of thing put much more eloquently, and with cute pictures. I just clicked on my reader after publishing this & it hit me in the face. Blogging is a strange & curious thing...

22 comments:

Why is it that we must have a bunch of friends anyhoo? I tend to get along by myself even though I do get lonely. I find it hard to have a convo on just about any o' thing. I'd rather talk about things I feel like talking about at that moment.

You know, I reckon there are lots of people with only one good friend at a time. Just with more acquaintences. You're cool as though Vic. I'm hoping you'll bump into some kindred spirit at your local op shop. You never know...

OMG I could have written this exact post myself, in fact over the past couple of days I have made a few decisions regarding the things me and Little Miss get up too. I've been doing ALOT of stuff socially with her because I'm afraid that she may miss out of friends like I did.

I'm a shocker for making friends and constantly get called a snob or told I'm always grumpy. But really, I'm just very very shy and don't know how to interact with people. I'm a child of older parents, my brothers are 10 and 20 years older than me, so I too had a very very lonely childhood. I got teased a lot at school for having older parents so tended to withdraw from everyone.

I could have written the exact words about 'missing' calls, not being available etc because I constantly do this, I like to spend time at home and just 'be'.

I think there are lots of people that feel the same as you do, I hope you do find that special friendship soon, I'm sure there is someone in your area that you may bump into one day.

Ahh, I get you now. Some people who want 'friends' just want a quantity of people who they can say hi to when they walk down the street. But that's no cure for grieving the loss of true friends of your heart.

I hear you also Vic!you would probably be amazed that even those who seem to have alot of friends don't really but just have mere acquiantances.I also have an odd sense of humour & sarcasm that really alot of people don't get. I am not a social butterfly & prefer to be at home or out with my little people.so lovey, I get you! just be you, be happy & make sure you get lots of little punky cuddles. that always helps.♥

I'm not sure which pocket I really fit into or whether I even want to fit into any. I have learned to enjoy small groups, enjoy partaking but trying to learn not to take over too. I still don't really want to go to large gatherings although they can be fun too. I rteally am very self sufficient when it comes to company and yet I also need those doses I get every week. One interesting thing I have learnt is that a lot of people who we loners tend to think are perfectly adapted actually also have great difficulty in knowing how to speak to others and those laugh the most are often really just acting. So I don't feel that wierd anymore. More just normal and not afraid to admit it. Cherrie

because i feel very much the same as you, in my own life. i've never had very many close friends. and i do get lonely, and a bit sad, and i thought that it was just me. everyone else has legions of friends and i'm a weirdo that people just don't seem to like. or get.

so it's nice to hear that someone else doesn't have a million close friends. i don't feel so weird. and if you know who you are, and you're happy with yourself, then more power to you. life isn't easy. making friends isn't easy.

You know, the only reason I am not a solitary hermit is because I have to take and pick up kids from school, leave the house to buy food and get dragged out of the house by my husband occasionally. I love my own company and I often wonder when those two good friends that I do have will give up on me and leave me to my solitary tendencies. I think I have said before that I often look at those other women who are nattering in close groups all around the place and I feel a failure- but then I recognise that I don't actually want to be doing that anyhow. Hang in there Vic. It can be tough. And while friends on the big world web may seem superficial or not real, you are stuck with us anyhow. As for real life friends, they come and go and often turn up when you least expect it. I reduce my chances, though, because I am home in my PJs as much as possible and not many interesting people turn up there lol.

I totally get you too. I am also an only child who moved A LOT as a child, and I have never been good at making or keeping friends, because I am also not a fan of "people" and tend to prefer my own company most of the time. Since having children I have felt more isolated because the "friends" I had pre-kids didn't get the whole family first thing and so we drifted apart. I have been hoping to find new "mummy" friends that will be in the same situation and understand that going out in the weekends is not going to happen. So far, no luck. But I'm sure someday that person will find me, everything happens for a reason.

Friendships are challenging. Acquaintances are a whole lot easier. Me, I'd prefer real friendships and often feel on the outer around others that seem to have strong bonds. I seemed to have missed Social Networking 101 while at High School and always feel like I'll never catch up. The blog lets me be me the me that I find hard to express while in the company of others, where I regularly suffer from foot in mouth disease (i.e. saying the wrong thing). Soooo, keep up the blog, when you can, and us friend challenged readers will be hanging around waiting patiently for your little nuggets of gold.

i think most people don't have more than a couple of very close friends. all the people i've known that seem as though they have millions of friends don't actually have any best friends, just lots of pretend friends. i know how you feel because i sometimes go through similar thoughts. but in the end we were put onto this earth alone, and i dont' think needing people is a good thing. you never know when you will meet those amazing people that you just click with, so don't give up. i think that your four good friends are the luckiest people in the world, because you obviously save all of your devotion just for a lucky few.

Even though my experience has been different (one of 4 children), I also know the feeling of not fitting in / sometimes not actually wanting to fit in / sometimes aching to be really wanted as a friend by someone...I"ve also had that feeling of not having someone to call on if you need help - I hope you can find someone to look after Punky when #2 is coming. Please keep talking on the blog when you need to xx

I rarely answer the phone either... phones are so intrusive. I love my space. I need my space. I like to be on my own.Thanks for writing such a thoughtful and honest post - it is so lovely to know that I am not the only one who has these feelings and thoughts.

A fraud, no way! You're you own unique wonderful self. I get you!I was a miserable, unwanted, unloved child with no sense of self! As an adult I discovered and collected people, all the wrong ones!At 50 I grew up, was peopled out and discovered I was the most important person I know. Since then this reclusive, fabulous existance is perfection. The only people I need round me are my girls and a couple of wonderful friends. Blogging "friendships" are excellent, detached, yet personable, without having to put up with social BS!Life with your chosen loves is brilliant as you and Punky well know! You've got it Vic. xo.