His Girlfriend's Living with a Woman

Q:
The woman I am deeply in love with still lives with her lesbian ex-lover. Her explanation is that it was an experiment that did not work, but although she says she loves me, she won't make a move to resolve the living arrangements. She has only gone as far as saying to the other women that she wants to be with me. Now after two months of no dialogue on the situation, she says she is paralyzed to discuss it further with her and doesn't know how to approach the situation but assures me that she still wants me if I give her time and she stops seeing me for a while until she works it out. My contention is that you don't stop seeing someone to fix it. I understand that she lives with her and they are joint owners of a property, which my girl put her name on the deed out of kindness. Should I give her time and space or call it quits? She is 48 years old, and I am 57. I love everything else about her, but I have no clue how to take this gay/not gay/give me time thing. -- Terry, 57

Dr. Susan:
Your girlfriend may simply be too wimpy to make a go of this with you. She HAS to be upfront about her desires with her current live-in. One or both of you ought to be seeing a counselor to figure out what everyone's real wants are. Sure, it's complicated if they own property together, but I don't accept that your girl put the other one's name on the deed purely out of "kindness." They figured they were a permanent couple, and now they need to ascertain their individual rights. If they will have to split the proceeds of the property, it's not your business whether this is the best time to sell or not. Life is too short to let all these excuses get in the way of a satisfying relationship. If your girlfriend won't take action and make a change away from her current living arrangement, then she's showing you that she wants it both ways. The comfort of what she has, and the pleasure she has with you. Same as if she were living with a guy but saying she loves you too. Her bisexuality isn't the issue. What this is about is respecting herself, her current partner, and you. And right now, she isn't! Consider maybe giving her a month's break from hassling her, but if nothing changes in that time, and she won't start seeing a therapist with you or taking other action, then calling it quits could make the most sense.

Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master
degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has
been helping people face and get through those times when they feel
trapped and unable to move forward.