The sea horse is called Hippocampus, a Greek word meaning “horse monster.” It belongs to the family Syngnathidea, which also includes the pipe fish and the sea dragon (Phycodurus eques). Although for years its exact classification was in doubt, it is definitely a fish—meaning, a vertebrate. This is an evolutionary leap from the phylum mollusca, which includes Sepia officinalis, Calcarea carbonica, and MurexPurpera. There are over 32 species of the sea horse. Hippocampus kuda is found along the eastern coast of India and in the waters surrounding all of Indonesia up into the Sea of Japan. It is a favorite of aquarium owners and exotic-fish enthusiasts.

Physical Characteristics

At first sight, the sea horse seems ill adapted to its underwater environment. Lacking the torpedo shape of most fish, it floats vertically in the water, being propelled almost imperceptibly by two pectoral fins on either side of its head and one small dorsal fin. The sea horse’s vertical posture is an exception within the animal kingdom. The head is at a right angle to the body, and the major organs (the gills, heart and liver) lie just behind the head. The rather long, toothless, tubular snout gives it its characteristic horse appearance. Unlike the typical fish, the sea horse is covered with a bony armor rather than scales. While lacking powerful fins, it is endowed with a long prehensile tail which, monkey-like, it wraps around just about anything. This makes for a rather passive, secretive existence; the sea horse hides from predators within the sea grasses and coral, and waits for its prey–usually rotifers and brine shrimp–which it sucks up with a clicking noise.

The sea horse is an amusing amalgam of incommensurable parts—a horse’s head, dragon’s scales, the free-roving eyes and changeable colors of a chameleon, tail of a monkey, a kangaroo’s pouch, the armor of an insect, and the wings of a hummingbird—yet the fact remains that it is simply a fish.

Behavior and Reproduction

Sea horses are not social creatures, as they do not swim in vast schools like many of the fish of the sea. The male sea horse leads a solitary existence. He lays claim to a small patch of sea-bed grass, attaching himself with his tail, and stays there, day in and day out. However, unlike other sea creatures, sea horses do form attachments with their mates. The only social interlude in an otherwise solitary day is when the male’s partner arrives for her morning visit, which happens like clockwork. She hooks her tail around an adjacent blade of grass and gently sways by his side. They seem to be the most devoted of partners. When a male and a female meet sexually, they engage in a ballet-like dance of courtship that can last for hours. Then a very strange thing happens: the female inserts her eggs into an enclosed pouch on the male’s abdomen, and the male, usually anchored to one spot for the entire duration, fertilizes and incubates the brood. During this period, the female takes care of the pregnant male, visiting him daily during what appears to be intimate moments as the pair tenderly nuzzle each other. The sea horse, like the octopus and cuttlefish, has the ability to change color and texture in order to camouflage its whereabouts, but during courtship and while the male is carrying, the mates always “brighten” when they meet. After sometimes as long as six weeks, the male goes into what is clearly labor. Hundreds of baby sea horses are thrust out into the water, but very few survive to adulthood.

A pregnant male is indeed an oddity–as if an absolute law of nature had been reversed, as if a great taboo had been transgressed. Nevertheless, this peculiarity of the sea horse has contributed to many myths and legends, and myths and legends eventually inspire deeds. The Chinese in particular have valued the sea horse medicinally for thousands of years as a cure for almost everything, from asthma and heart disease to that seeming bane of male existence, impotence. One reason sea horse is used as an aphrodisiac is that the Chinese believe these creatures form pairs for life, and therefore feel sexually fulfilled. Apparently, they use as many as 20 million sea horses a year. Seahorse trade is legal and unregulated, and if this practice continues at this rate, we could push this amazing creature into extinction. To this end, conservation projects that have been set up in recent years, establish sanctuaries and fish farms in order to ensure the continued existence of these mysterious and fragile creatures of the sea.

THE PROVING

“The best opportunity for exercising our sense of observation and to perfect it, is by proving medicines ourselves.” — Samuel Hahnemann

Homeopathic provings are a great deal of work. Even before the months, and often years of work that are required to gather, extract and compile the information, there is the very daunting task of convincing between 10 and 20 people to take an unknown substance in the name of research, and then to find an equal number of homeopaths who have the time and inclination to supervise them. It’s a wonder that any of us conduct provings at all. But a proving is in fact a wondrous thing–it is a wonderful confirmation of the basic principles of homeopathy. At the extraction meetings, it’s thrilling to see the similarities among the individual reactions of the provers, and it’s even more exciting to see these similarities clearly confirmed in their notebooks, all the while realizing that, one day, this new remedy is going to cure people. This is why many of us in our profession continue to take on the work of conducting provings, and why many brave volunteers continue to take these unknown substances while busy homeopaths take the time to supervise them. In doing so, everyone involved contributes to the well-being of mankind. Hahnemann would be pleased.

Our proving first began in the summer of 2001, when we decided to conduct a bi-coastal proving. Many possible substances were considered, but in the early winter of 2002, Sonam Kushner suggested sea horse, partly because a NOVA special on sea horses had reminded her of her own fascination with sea horses as a child in India. As master provers, we were all interested in sea horse as a remedy for many reasons: sea horses intrigue people worldwide with their strangeness and beauty (which seems to give the remedy a universal quality); sea horses are used medicinally by the Chinese (which makes this a good choice from a Hahnemanian point of view); and most significant, the sea horse is a very unusual species in that the male fertilizes the eggs in his own pouch, gestates and then gives birth to live sea horses. What could be more fascinating than that!

One classified black, male, sea horse, from the Indian Ocean, was sent to Michael Quinn at Hahnemann Pharmacy to be potentized. As an ongoing promoter of homeopathic provings, Michael generously made 20 vials of 30c potency for us. We followed the instructions laid out in Jeremy Sherr’s The Dynamics and Methodology of Homoeopathic Provings and printed separate pages of instructions for provers and supervisors, to be handed out at our first meeting on May 18, 2002 in New York, June 1 inCalifornia. We assigned one supervisor for every prover, and the partners were asked to communicate daily. The remedy was distributed on May 28; prior to this, we conducted initial intake interviews, and the provers made a week of journal entries, to help us establish previous states. Most provers in New York took the remedy on June 1 (day 00).* Each prover was asked to call their supervisor after each dose of the remedy–and they were told not to take even a second dose if they felt any symptoms at all. Most provers took only one or two doses, although three provers took all of the 6 possible doses (one of them was an insensitive, who reported only one symptom throughout the entire proving). As usual, the master provers were concerned that there would be either no significant symptoms or too many symptoms, meaning that some people would get quite sick. The truth is that with most provings, the results lie somewhere in between. We had two females in NY who did experience terrible headaches, nausea and depression, but these uncomfortable feelings dissipated after about a month. On the other hand, we had two males who experienced some sort of emotional healing, or least felt that they had discovered a new way of seeing themselves in the world.

When hearing information of this sort, it is important to remember that, as Hahnemann said, regardless of the symptoms that are produced during a proving, everyone involved is in a higher state of health or awareness after the experience. Not only have we helped to expand our materia medica, but both provers and supervisors end up in a healthier state as a result. The kind of introspection that provers indulge in during a proving is a mind-expanding treat. That is why prospective provers, rather than feel as if they are about to become guinea pigs, can consider themselves more like Alice in Wonderland, and be confident that whether or not they suffer with temporary symptoms, the experience will enlighten them. A proving is a journey–an honorable journey for all involved. It should be embarked on with care and caution, but without fear. We hope to encourage many more Hahnemanian provings.

MAJOR THEMES

The results of the sea horse proving were very interesting; there were many intense symptoms, along with many strong signature feelings or sensations. At the extraction meetings in New York and California, after the results were described by the provers, and the substance was revealed, almost all the provers said that they would take part in another proving. During both meetings many common symptoms or themes were discussed that were later confirmed by the provers’ notebooks. We were very fortunate, because there were some strong provers whose symptoms served as a template for the entire proving. Prover #1 was such a prover, and her descriptions of feelings of isolation were mirrored by many of the other provers. This strong theme seemed to be part of a larger picture that included an aggravation in and aversion to company, a desire for solitude, sadness, gloom, and a feeling of being disconnected from the world. It’s difficult to know if the feeling of being isolated causes the sadness and other feelings, and/or if an over-sensitivity in public drives one to isolation, but isolation does seem to be the prominent emotional symptom of the proving. In fact, in the wild, the male seahorse leads a solitary existence, perhaps giving rise to this strong theme of isolation, coupled with a need or desire for solitude, and therefore, an aversion to company.

Beneath the ocean, deep and wide,
One lonely, drifting sea horse cried,
“In all the cold and salty sea
I’m all alone-there’s only me.”

Saxton Freymann and Joost Elffers

Prover #1 describes a muffled, underwater feeling immediately after taking the first dose of the remedy (which may be a signature symptom), but she clearly associates this sensation with the feeling of being isolated, sad and dissociated.

“Feels like a blanket has covered the day. Muffled sensation, sound, light–everything far away. I felt cut off, inward, trapped, disassociated. I felt like I was under water. It was distressing, I was inward focused. The disassociated feeling reminds me of my late teens–It would paralyse me. One hour later, I went outside and everything went away. The headache, the muffled feeling subsided quickly.” #1, day 00. What that “underwater” feeling represents is a “cut-offness.” A friend kept asking me yesterday if I was OK. I guess I was acting disconnected. #1, day 03. Repeat of the “underwater blanket” sensation like on Day 00. The sound in my ears gets muffled. It’s like the feeling in your ears and head when you go under water, muffled and isolating. The sounds from the outside are muffled, and the sound in your head is amplified. It’s a feeling that lasted for five minutes. #1, day 09.

Other provers said:

It’s a feeling of isolation–I want to talk to somebody. I feel like a big wall has come down in front of me, I have to be outside. #17, day 00. Still don’t want to see people. Don’t want to make phone calls. #17, day01. Someone is talking to me and I feel like I am not here. Am absent even though I can understand and follow what she is saying.#17, day 02. I feel un-grounded, like I am going to float away or lose my mind. I still don’t want to see people. I hide from them. #17, day 02. Worried that I am losing my mind, but not scared. #17, day 03. Read in a book, The Power of Now–“the inability to feel this connectedness gives rise to the illusion of separation, from yourself and from the world around you. You then perceive yourself, consciously or unconsciously, as an isolated fragment.” I have read these words before but they held so much meaning for me today, “isolated fragment.” I don’t feel like re-reading my notes, but it seems like I have been bouncing back and forth between feeling really high and really low, but the underlying theme is the search for connectedness. #13, day 08.

There was an interesting aspect to this sense of isolation; the provers who had no previous experience with this feeling had a negative reaction, connecting this sensation to sadness and depression. However, three of the provers who experienced a kind of curative reaction to this remedy (provers #2, #8, #18), seemed to have plenty of experience with isolation beforehand, yet it was more of a self imposed isolation as a result of a kind of over-sensitivity when socializing with people.

According to the supervisor of prover #8, she was feeling overwhelmed and irritable before she embarked on the proving, and during the intake interview, she reported a “feeling of isolation–no friends or colleagues for interaction.” Yet, on the first day after the remedy, her supervisor reported, “She’s giggling a lot. Is in great spirits.” The prover said:

I’m feeling energized and in a good mood. #8, day 01. Not tired at all, could have worked all night. #8, day 01. Woke up at 7a.m., felt awake immediately and not tired. I feel like I’m under the influence of a stimulant. #8, day 02.

And then, by day 19, she may have been slipping back into her original state. Perhaps this prover should have tried the remedy again, since she experienced so much improvement, but that is a responsibility that master provers cannot assume.

I feel a bit down and discouraged today. I don’t seem to be able to accomplish anything, which makes me even more depressed. #8, day 19.

Prover #2 had plenty of experience with isolation before the proving. He had arranged his life around his desire for solitude. He’d lived alone for most of his life and had chosen to conduct his business out of his home, where he felt most comfortable and creative. Isolation was not a problem for him—he even yearned for someone to love; and although he liked a limited amount of socializing, he easily found himself overwhelmed by contact with other people. After the remedy, he experienced a profound change, suggestive of a curative response. He experienced almost no unpleasant symptoms during the proving. Eight months later, under advisement, he has repeated the remedy twice at the same 30c potency, when needed, and his feeling of well-being continues.

These are some of the comments that he made in his notebook soon after taking the remedy:

Feeling as if intoxicated- almost as if I’d had two cocktails. #2, 00. Last night, after taking the rx, I had a sense of mild euphoria. #2, 01. I have a sensation of well being. #2 (during proving, and to date).

He decided to shave his head bald on day three and wrote later that day, “I’m liking the bald head–I feel sort of free!” #2, day 03.

Generally, I feel that the rx is helping me, as if it were prescribed for me. The “haircut” and my dreams make me realize issues of independence. All my life, I’ve wanted to win the approval of others, and I’m quite good at it. The rx is giving me the freedom to go to that place where I don’t really care what others think of me. “Independence” is a word that has come to the fore–and in my mind’s eye, I see myself as bald and re-invented. I have been, for a number of months, going through a mourning for the fact that I’m not good looking, that I’m fat, that I have no training for anything except publicity, etc. Now I am entertaining the fantasy of embarking on something new–singing? comedy? entrepreneurship of some kind? #2, day 5.

Recognition of his transformation was expressed after a profound dream on day seven:

(note: the entire dream is recorded below, marked #2, day 07) I was being given a new vision by God…I came away with the feeling that God has given me a new way of seeing the world. #2, day 7.

Interestingly, this prover continued to enjoy his solitude after the proving, but he was now better able to balance his desire to be alone with a new feeling of relaxation and comfort in company. Prover #2 may be helping us to distinguish the feelings of isolation in Hippocampus, and therfore, to understand the remedy. What cannot be ignored is that he experienced a great amelioration of his pre-existing emotional symptoms, and therefore, we should look at his previous state to better understand the remedy.

This prover had described as part of his previous state an over-sensitivity in company. There was a limit to how long he could bear to be in the company of others, instead of an unhappiness when alone. This prover never described his solitude in negative terms— in fact he felt creatively stimulated when he was alone. This contrasts with the way that isolation feels to most patients—gray and bleak, lonely and depressing. For some people, like prover #2, solitude is not necessarily a negative experience.

We came to the conclusion that although Hippocampus does feel isolated, perhaps this is a desired isolation, not unlike the natural solitude of the sea horse itself. (It is possible that being alone is conducive to the spiritual insights and mystical realizations that are mentioned in this proving.) This may indeed be the distinguishing feature of this remedy: a kind of pro-active aloneness, a positive, colorful relationship with solitude. Of course, further clinical information is necessary to confirm this and all other preliminary ideas on Hippocampus.

Another possible theme of this remedy is the extremes of alternating states that some of the provers describe. Many provers would swing from sadness, depression, and a sensation of being alone (along with a desire to be alone), to a kind of mild euphoria, a calmness, and a desire to be with people. Some provers felt only one sensation or the other, but numerous provers experienced these alternating moods. This led us to believe that Hippocampus may be a useful remedy for mood swings or maybe even bi-polar disorder, though this also remains to be seen clinically. For many provers, this swing from depression and aloneness to the opposite state of happiness and a desire for company was often triggered simply by going out into the open air, which ameliorated many.

The day started good, but then started to feel same aversion to contact with people, though not depressed. “I would have crawled into my little hole, but an old friend came and we went out. #1, day 05. Feels disconnected again. This napping is unusual. Usually only nap when really down. It’s funny, this up and down thing. #1, day 06. Either driven to be very isolated, or need to be out with a lot of people. It’s the two extremes. #1, day 09. Feels as if in an equilibrium. My mood is very even. I feel very relaxed, almost indolent. I don’t feel like doing much, enjoying it, no guilt. Not feeling flustered by anything at all. #5, day 04. Mild euphoria. A feeling of all’s right with the world….long may it last! #5, day 07. Feeling depressed. “I don’t want to be bothered where people are concerned. It’s a chore to talk to people. I just want to be on my own. #5, day 15. Irritability, “pissy” feelings, alternating with underlying calm. #9, day 02. I feel the rx has turned me upside down. I am no longer calm. I have been angry and depressed. The last two days I have been hiding in my cave, avoiding everyone. I feel exposed. #10, day 35. I don’t feel like re-reading my notes, but it seems like I have been bouncing back and forth between feeling really high and really low. #13, day 08.

Prover #8 wrote her general impressions at the end of her proving journal, expressing this sensation of alternating symptoms:

There were a lot of alternating and opposite symptoms. Left side, then right, energy and then tiredness, sleeplessness and insomnia. My heartburn seems to have resolved 99%. I had many headaches (old symptom) but they were less and less painful and there was a shift from my usual left side to the right. #8, day 28.

Prover #18, a male, also experienced many of the previously discussed feelings and mood swings, although once his mood swung up, he seemed to stay there and began to experience a new theme–a newfound feeling of independence. In fact, as a recent immigrant, he had been completely dependent on his girlfriend (a 4th year student at the NY Luminos School of Homeopathy, who supervised him because of the language barrier). His swing from dependence to independence was so strong, that five months after the proving, he left his girlfriend to live alone, even though her feelings about the relationship had not changed. He describes some of his transition this way:

I am feeling lost, out of it, depressed. #18, days 00, 02. I feel excited, I want to do a lot, my thoughts are racing. #18, day 03. I’m very impatient and very excited about life. #18, day 04. I feel very different, strong, excited. I want to do a lot of stuff. I feel very sensitive and passionate. I have high self-esteem. #18, day 09. I feel very rebellious, independent, I want to be alone, I want to be free. #18, day 12. I feel very excited and strong. I don’t want to hear your opinions.(to the girlfriend). #18, day 16. I don’t want to be with you anymore, I want to be free. #18, day 22. I feel very different from normal. I feel strong, free and excited. (He wants to make love many times a day, yet he wants to be alone. In the beginning of the proving, he was unable to maintain an erection, which was very unusual for him and quite scary. By the middle and end of the proving, he felt more potent than ever before, desiring sex many times a day, which was also unusual for him.) #18, day 19.

We believe that prover #18 experienced a cure from this remedy, transitioning from a very dependent person to feeling strong, free and independent. Needless to say, this transition was very difficult for the supervisor/girlfriend/student who required some sympathetic counseling and homeopathic treatment from her teacher/master prover, Susan Sonz. Happily, the student has not only recovered from this loss, she also has gained a great deal of insight about herself and her previous role in that and other relationships. Both prover and supervisor have gained new awareness of themselves and of the power of homeopathy, and agree that they are both better for it, in spite of the new challenges in their lives. Recently (seven months later), prover #18, now missing his girlfriend, returned for some homeopathic assistance. He had this to say, and was given another dose of Hippocampus as a result. (note: English is not his native language) The experiment (proving) was very good for me. It was like a shake up but then when things came through again— they presented in a different way. My capacity was increased, happiness came to me in the right way— it was like a basic happiness. I was more secure about me. I received new tools for my life. Now, I want to find a love forever, and become a father. #18, 7 months later.

Prover #2 also had some interesting things to say about independence:

“Independence” is a word that has come to the fore… #2, day 5. I’m still thinking about the “new way of seeing” dream. I meditated on it–do I have it [the new way of seeing]? … No … Yes! … 100%? … No … What do I do to get it completely? … Wait–till around July 4… (I realized this is Independence Day!) #2, day 9.

Many of the themes that we saw in the sea horse proving are common to all sea remedies. Difficulties in communicating with others is a fundamental issue in this group of remedies. In this group, we see isolation, aversion to company, desire for solitude, mood swings, issues of independence, grief, sadness, and depression. For instance, Natrum muriaticum is the primary remedy for dwelling on past griefs; sea horse provers found themselves remembering and grieving for long deceased relatives. Calcarea carbonica has issues of dependence and independence, and some sea horse provers became excited with newfound feelings of freedom. One prover said, “Normally, I would have been mortified, instead I felt courageous, bold and liberated”(prover 8). Another sea remedy, Spongia tosta, shares with these remedies a desire for emotional support and security. In addition, Spongia has as a symptom the same sensation of suffocation that was expressed in the dreams of the sea horse provers. And, while most of the sea remedies are aggravated, or oversensitive in company, Sepia is especially ameliorated when alone, like many of the Hippocampus provers.

DREAMS

The dreams reported during this proving reflected both the aforementioned themes and the signature of the substance. There were many reports of transformative dreams, that is, people being transformed from one state to another–hair changing color, women changing dresses, old people being young, and even a “little blond child” turning into a “glowing black-skinned boy with a 3-foot-wide afro.” Many of the dreams went from a dark scene to a brightly colored, altered reality, described by one prover as “like in the movie Truman.”

The most pronounced theme in the dreams seemed to be of unusual colors and brightness: Most of the dreams were described vividly in color–there was green grass, blue sky or colorful flowers, bright dresses, and red, bright blonde, or platinum-colored hair; a white sink, white snow, and a huge creamy white dessert were mentioned; the “color” neon came up repeatedly. Interestingly, not only do sea horses exist in many colors, but they also use camouflage for protection. This may have given rise to the predominance of bright and varied colors in the dreams of the provers, as well as the dreams of transformation.

There seemed to be a commonly held belief among some of the provers that their dreams had offered them some sort of spiritual gift, and there were dreams of music, magic, mystical moments, jewels and treasure as well. There was floating, many dreams of water, swimming, the beach, and fish. For some unexplained reason, at least 8 provers dreamed of dogs, some of them repeatedly. Many dreamed of dead relatives and loved ones (including one dream of a long dead, beloved dog).

All provers reported vivid dreams, even those provers who normally find dream recall difficult and unusual. The most helpful way to demonstrate the dream themes (as well as the strong signature aspect of this proving) is to list segments of some of these dreams:

Dream: Staying in a house with my friend, who is staying in a room upstairs. Suddenly there is a swimming pool and people are swimming, I want to be swimming too, but for some reason I am not. Then I am in the pool. A “cartoonish” brawny man is there with big, bulging eyes, and a mouth open like a fish’s, and a fine chain joining his inner cheek to the roof of his mouth (palate). Vocalizing a particular drum pattern for a certain type of music, but a piece of the pattern is missing. I know what the missing piece is and I provide it. My friend is swimming away to the other side of the pool, followed by a child, a girl, who is swimming behind her, just like a fish. Like ducks following the mother. Near me, and the “fishy” man, a woman and her daughter are doing a perfect demonstration of the Charleston in the bottom of the pool, under the water. #1, day 15. Dream: Green, quiet, peaceful open space. Of old man becoming young. #2, day 00 Dream: I was sleeping outside with my cat Charlie where a rugged-looking man in a kilt was noticing me. He came over to the side of the bed to say he recognized me from when he used to look in my window. This made me feel uncomfortable–as if he knew me. I was then in the backyard of an exclusive Scottish club, where all the men were dressed in green tartan kilts. I was sitting around at a table outside with the black (African-American) help who were complaining about their treatment– no respect, no regular hours. One of the help worked at a graveyard (and had the logo of a mortuary on his shirt) and was complaining about his hours which made no sense considering his job. There was anger by the Scottish members that the help got to sit at such a nice table in the garden. There was pressure on me to move indoors and select a regular table- something I was resisting. I went inside where a couple of Scotsmen got really close to me and urged me to pick a table where I’d sit all the time. I said “I’d rather move about freely,” which met with disapproval. #2, day 03. Dream: Being given a new vision by God. I was in a dark place, like a theatre. I was facing a large gray wall, like a curtain on a stage. On the upper right hand corner was a window cut out. Somehow I floated up and sat on the edge. We were sitting on the edge of a window into this new world–colors, lights, movement, objects were startling, gorgeous, kind of like an animated film. When I went into it, it was almost as if I were on a ferris wheel, or some kind of carnival ride, and I was with a girl. It was someone I knew as a child who was now an adult. A mechanical device came over with verbal instructions to look into it, like it was going to record or download all of our thoughts. I made a repeated “crossing” motion with my hands and arms, and said “Deny, deny”, to protect us. I took away with me the feeling of a new way of seeing. So many of my previous dreams had been about trying to get somewhere. This dream was a little alarming, it had a malevolent side to it, but I had the presence of mind to use techniques to protect us. I came away with the feeling that God has given me a new way of seeing the world. #2, day 07. Dream: Dream: I was in an office and a dog had peed all over the carpet. Someone attempted to clean it. leaving big, wet soapy circles on the rug. An actor showed up looking for his art sampler. It was up to me to find them for him. As he loooked thru them, I could see the work– swirling, masses of oils, photographed and printed on glossy paper, and then cut out. The colors were oddly muted, and I asked if this was intentional and he said yes. My long deceased dog Pete made an appearance. Lying on his back, balanced on the upper ridge of the couch. I found this quite amusing. Pete in this position was approached by a coterie of other dogs and cats. #2, 012. Dream: Of my dead mother in a labyrinth -like building, grim and dark. Worried if she would accept and welcome me, and remember who I was. I wanted her to know who I was as a person. I see my mother as a two-year-old, but with an eighty-year-old face. She was giggling and giddy. I was very distressed at her behavior. I was deeply saddened that we were unable to make contact. I had the feeling as if my heart was breaking. #5, day 01. Dream: Indoors at night in a ballroom setting. Important people conducting shady business. I and a friend are eating dessert out of a very large glass bowl that we are sharing. It’s white and creamy, and then I realize that I love the little purple Matchbox cars that I am eating. #10, day 00. Dream: Very strange beach setting. Sky is strange. Perpetual sunset, very different colors. Feel almost as though I am on another planet. Like the Truman Story. There’s a house-like structure with lots of windows built right into the ocean. I look in and see a large fish, dolphin-like, but the head and body are all one shape. She is partly buried in the sand. I pet her and talk to her and look for signs of life. Then the water and sand shift and she falls apart like a shell. I take her top off, and inside are snake-like babies. They seem happy to be birthed and swim away and out all around me. They are neon orange. One of the windows is aquarium-like, and all the fish I can see are lighted with neon strips along various portions of their body. All colors–it’s beautiful. I move along and find a wall of wet sand taller than I am, about twelve feet tall. I climb up and get over the edge to find a wonderful ocean. I look out and see a bridge of sand extending to a small tiny island. There are two cars driving back from the island.I wait as the cars go by single file, and then I go out further. I lay down in the middle of the sand island and soak up the sun. After a while I feel something along my sides at my waist, coming from below me. It’s subtle at first and almost feels comforting. Then it changes and I start to become alarmed. I feel the edge of something coming up through the sand. It’s a swordfish with long round sharp serrated edges. Now it’s at least six inches long and I am panicking and telepathically calling for help. I’m terrorized and paralyzed with fear. That I cannot move and that there will be more of these coming. Suddenly a presence arrives that I can sense but cannot see and gently pulls me to the awareness that I can get up. I just had to let go of the fear. #10, day 00. Dream: Of reaching and pulling up from deep water an old treasure. Artifacts and decorated pieces. Whole unbroken china dishes. Only one bigger bowl is damaged. I was very excited. Then I was putting on my left ring finger which was part of the treasure. It was very old, and made from a dark, shiny material like hematite. Suddenly, I heard music coming from the wall in front of me, such a beautiful sound–beyond description, not from this world. Every time I pulled the ring off my finger, the music stopped, and would start immediately when I put the ring back on. This happened three or four times. The wall in front of me didn’t have any devices on it, but there was some specific design on the wall. Mostly in a dark, metallic color. People around me had been witnessing the ring phenomenon and wanted to try the ring on, but it didn’t work for them. At one point my ring started to disintegrate into three pieces, and I tried to hold it together. I was in a lively green outfit. I put an apron on, and the dress and the apron didn’t match. The main feeling of this dream was the awesome feeling of the gift of the music–“angelic.” I felt I had received an incredible spiritual gift. #12, day 02. Dream: Of amusement park with band on the stage. Lots of string instruments, mandolin, fiddle, cello. The music was melodic and “other-worldly,” and I was moved by it. I was cradling a blonde toddler while watching the band. The little baby I was holding became a disruptive little boy with a demon quality. My ex-husband came over to him and said in a booming voice three things which I cannot remember. I wish I could remember those three things because they were important. Then another little blonde child, a beautiful calm child, turned to my husband and said–“Are you — — —?” Then someone in the bandstand said “Cheeky little bastard isn’t he?” Another said–“He really is a bastard, you know.” He said his name was Neil. “Do you have a Mom and a Pop?” and he slapped my face. It was a gentle reprimand. “You know I don’t.” He turned into a glowing black-skinned boy with a three-foot-wide afro. His eyes were lit like neon. “No, I really didn’t know,” I said. “I would not have been so cruel to ask you if I had known.” #13, day 04. Dreams: Of mystical elements. Children with neon eyes and psychic abilities. Being able to pluck a bird out of the sky. Flying cats and a benevolent woman. Other worldly images. Of bright colors, particularly reds and blues. #13 (her list of recurring dream themes).

In a homeopathic proving, dreams are probably the best vehicle from which we can extract unadulterated, uncompensated information. Since most of us find our vivid dreams fascinating, we usually report them without fear of judgement. This makes dreams particularly useful clinically, as well, even though in homeopathy, we tend not to interpret them psychologically.

SIGNATURES

The signature aspect of substances/remedies is usually reported in the same uncompensated way that dreams are. Signature is such an interesting issue, as well as a controversial one in homeopathy. Putting all arguments aside, in a proving, signature symptoms or feelings initially seem to serve as confirmatory evidence that signature cannot be denied, while they also seem to deepen our understanding of similitude in some immaterial way. We found the signature information that developed in the sea horse proving to be very intriguing, even though we understand that this type of information is not used by all homeopaths. But in the spirit of intrigue, we will list some of the more interesting comments by the provers:

The sound in my ears gets muffled. It’s like the feeling in your ears and head when you go under water, muffled and isolating. #1, day 09. I felt like I was under water. #1 (This comment was made off and on throughout the proving.) I realize I have been craving high-protein food–fish. Also craving the ocean and salt air. #1, day 08. I think it’s goldfish, a fish in a bowl. I realize that it’s my relationship to my window. When it’s cool outside and I shut the window, I hate it. The glass is separating me from … I can’t define it. I keep thinking of a feeling I had at the film festival about a movie called, Help, I’m a Fish!, about kids who have a potion to turn themselves into fish. During that film, I felt uncomfortable with my breathing. Since the remedy, I’m more aware of how shallow my breathing has been. It’s almost like–how do you breathe, what is the mechanism?” And then the window washer showed up, washed my windows, and asked me out on a date! (note: this rx was made from a captured sea horse recently living in a glass tank!) #1, day 15. When I was told the remedy, I felt of course, not surprised, explains why I have been desperately wanting to go and visit the seahorse at the project nearby. Really wanted to see it before I went away. #1, day 21. Liquification in ears, a wave sensation like bubbling. Fullness, feeling like underwater in r. ear. #9, day 05. Bought a raffle ticket to swim with dolphins in Hawaii. I’m guessing it must be an ocean rx, a sea creature. I’m wearing blue and green today. #10, day 02. With my attraction to fruit and flowers and the color red, I am beginning to feel like my dragonfly prediction was wrong and this remedy is hummingbird. #13, day 06. As I turned my head, I noticed I did not have peripheral vision, seeing only what was in front of my face. Again a turning of my head in an abrupt manner, which felt as if I was taking quick “snapshot” pictures of what was in front of me. (Very much like the actual head movements of a sea horse.) #14, day 00. Sensation as if water in ears. #17, day 00.

Feelings of synchronicity always seem to come up during provings, although there’s not much one can do with this idea except find it interesting. This proving had its share of synchronicity. For example, Sonam’s friends in Florida who said that in twenty years of fishing they had never encountered a seahorse. The weekend after the proving started, they found their first seahorse ever in their net. Five months after the proving ended, during our first long extraction work day, an email happened to arrive from a prover about a sea horse web site. While this idea of synchronicity was mentioned by various provers, prover #1 shared some of her feelings on this topic, six months after the proving had ended:

I finished the proving, went for my extraction interview and was shown a tape of seahorses swimming in the ocean. I wasn’t surprised that this was the remedy I had been proving; I felt extraordinarily happy and experienced an odd sense of affinity with those seahorses. Looking back, I believe the pleasure I felt came from seeing them swimming free. During the proving, I had been plagued by a sense of isolation, as if I were trapped behind glass, looking at the world but completely separate from it.A couple of days after the end of the proving, I flew to London. At the airport was an enormous tank of sea creatures. It was shocking. I arrived at my mother’s house to find that she had made a ceramic seahorse and hung it on her wall. The bathroom had been entirely papered in a seahorse print. My daughter arrived a few days later to meet us. I started telling her about the proving, and of my sense during this period of being underwater, in a tank, isolated from the world outside the glass, and she interrupted me: Seahorse, she said. Back at work in New York, I received a fax from the aquarium–a fact sheet on seahorses. Soon after, a page of seahorse links arrived via e-mail.Coincidence? Synchronicity? I’m a confused skeptic.

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

No proving could be considered complete without physical symptoms, and our provers reported many strong symptoms. The most intense symptom seemed to be a recurring, one sided, headache that recurred alone, or alternated with strong waves of nausea. These waves of nausea reminded one prover of motion sickness, and another of morning sickness. Some provers woke with a headache, and the nausea for most provers was worse after eating, and sometimes related to a pain in the pit of the stomach. There was also some heartburn, and this symptom was accentuated by the realization that prover #8 had a 99% cure of her longstanding heartburn. The stomach symptoms of this proving are oddly interesting because the sea horse actually has no stomach. Another interesting gastro-intestinal symptom that emerged was an urgent need to pass stool followed by an involuntary loss of stool (provers #8, #17).

A heavy, full head sensation alternated with a light-headedness, a sort of vertigo, again with a wave-like occurrence. Sounds were muffled and the ears felt clogged, as if they were filled with water, or as if the head was under water. There were various noises in the ears; a roaring, a wumping, a ringing, and a vibration. Sounds outside the head were muted or muffled, while sounds inside the head were intensified. One strong prover felt light and colors were muted at the same time as sound, which led her to specifically feel as though she was underwater.

There was a good amount of back pain along with heaviness in the back and neck area, and a heavy, aching, tired, feeling in the extremities. Interestingly, this may end up being an important remedy for back pain since 3 provers had major improvements with their back pain during the proving.

Sleep became light and very restless, with lots of waking at night. There was difficulty going to sleep (on the first sleep, and also after waking in the middle of the night). Many woke earlier than usual in the morning, and some reported feeling unrefreshed in the morning. Because of these sleep disturbances, and the fatigue that is mentioned below, there was lots of daytime sleepiness with a strong desire/need to nap during the day, with short sleeps ameliorating. These sleep issues appear to be significant, as some of the provers had never before experienced insomnia of any kind.

In generalities, the most intense symptom was a strong desire to go outside, and a marked amelioration from open air. Strong feelings of discomfort improved almost instantly when provers went outdoors. During the proving, many became oversensitive to noise, odors, and tastes, with a particular overreaction to salt in food. There was a great deal of fatigue, especially in the daytime, thus the need for napping. The general heavy sensation that was experienced by many, also added to the feelings of fatigue and weakness. As far as food cravings go, the most striking was the desire for fruit, particularly melons.

FINAL THOUGHTS

When a proving ends (though does it ever really end?), the master provers hope to make some sense of the remedy so that it can be used clinically in an effective way. We pondered many issues, while remembering our expectations. We had expected there to be more sexual symptoms, since sea horse is the only known animal where the male gestates and gives birth to the young, even secreting prolactin, the hormone that stimulates milk production in human females. Yet few such symptoms developed (apart from prover #18); perhaps sexual issues will become more clear after some clinical use of this remedy.. In addition, we had anticipated some differences between the provers from New York and those from California, and yet there was surprisingly little to report, besides the Californians being a little more explicit about the type of melon they were craving. Maybe it was fortunate that the proving began in the summer, so there was little difference in the climates. Perhaps it doesn’t matter, after all, where in the world provings take place. But we did notice interesting results concerning the outcome from non-homeopath provers. While preparing for this proving, we had the usual difficulty securing provers, and in this case, we were especially eager to get as many male provers as possible. This led us to go out of the typical circle of students and homeopaths, and try to draw from the general public. As a result, provers #1 and #2, were not students of homeopathy but longtime friends of Susan’s, and prover #18 was a student’s boyfriend, yet all three of them bravely agreed to embark on this unknown journey. It’s difficult to imagine this proving without their participation, as their symptoms were unusually strong and clear, and fortunately for us, free of homeopathic ideas and phrases. We would like to suggest that our homeopathic proving community might benefit from our experience and try to include more provers from the general public.

Finally, we are hoping that the new remedy Hippocampus will be helpful for many patients, including those who describe this feeling of isolation with a desire for solitude. At this point in time, this symptom of feeling isolated, which is often mentioned by patients in homeopathic interviews, is not well represented in the repertory (which only offers cross references to other rubrics). This sensation is the strongest emotional theme of this remedy, and the most commonly used word in the proving, while it is also a major theme in our culture. For this reason, we encourage the writers of the repertories to seriously consider listing pertinent remedies under the rubric isolation, so we may better help our patients. Repertories, though useful tools, must continually update their material, which would include adding new rubrics, as well as adding new remedies to the alredy existing rubrics. We have added an asterisk* to certain proposed rubrics listed below, in order to suggest that these new rubrics be added to the repertories. We would also like to request that any clinical information resulting from the use of Hippocampus be shared with us, so that we may gain a fuller understanding and picture of this remedy.

*note: in the article, following a symptom, we classify that symptom by writing the number of the prover, followed by the day it was experienced, ie., #1, 018, means prover #1 on day 18. The first day of taking the remedy is called day 00. RS means recurring symptom, OS means old symptom, NS means new symptom

Acknowledgements

A proving is impossible to conduct without the brave provers and industrious supervisors, to whom we offer our respect and gratitude. We are very grateful to Michael Quinn of Hahnemann Pharmacy, a longtime supporter of homeopathic provings, for making and potentizing the Hippo campus remedy. Special thanks to Elizabeth McGuy for cleverly editing the NOVA special for our extraction meeting, to John Falencki for generously providing the space for the group meetings, to Michael Shepley for filming both group meetings in New York, and to Barbara Aria for sharing her experiences as well as helping us edit this article. We thank all of you who were involved in this proving for your contribution to homeopathy.

Susan Sonz, CCH, is the director and principal instructor of the New York School of Homeopathy. She lives and works in New York City, where she co-conducted the proving of Musca domestica, the housefly. Contact Susan atinfo@nyhomeopathy.com. See Faculty

Robert Stewart, RSHom(NA), CCH, has a bi-coastal, bi-hemispheric, bi-continental practice in California, New York and Ecuador.

Sonam Kushner CCH, has been studying and practicing homeopathy since 1993. She holds a diploma from Lou Klein’s Homeopathic Master Clinician Course, and has trained with Sheila Ryan in clinical supervision for students from The School of Homeopathy, New York. Contact Sonam at (646)486-1937.

RUBRICS

GENERALITIES:

air, open, amel.

open desires

crowded places, agg.

faintness, general, crowded room, in

food and drinks

fish desires

fruit desires, juicy

juicy things, desires

melons, desires

heat, lack of vital

heaviness

heaviness, external

lassitude, general

lie down, inclination to

lifted up sensation

lightness, sensation of

pain, cramping

darting

electric-like

shooting

sudden manifestations

wavelike sensations

water, desires to be near water, rivers, seashore etc.

wavelike sensations

weakness, enervation, exhaustion, prostration,

infirmity,?

daytime

morning

forenoon

sudden

air, amel, open

eating, agg after

sleep, amel.

MIND:

ailments from,?

crowd, society, in

grief, sorrow, care

love, disappointed, unhappy

air, amel. From walking or being in open, mental symptoms

alternating states

aversion, persons to, all

blissful feeling

colors, charmed by

company, aversion

aversion, yet to being alone

solitude, fond of

over-sensitivity to*

delusions, imaginations, (main rubric)

delusions, imaginations, (subrubrics):

beautiful, wonderful, things look

breathe, she cannot *

breathe, under water, he can*

colors, are muted*

dark, of

division, between himself and others

floating in air

hearing, sounds, distant, are

hearing, sounds, muffled are*

hearing, sounds, muted, are*

heavy, is

light, incorporeal, immaterial, he is

lost

love, unlovable, is*

paralyzed

seasick, that he is

separated, world, from the, that he is

time, passes too slowly

time, passes too quickly

trapped, he is

visions

water, he is under

world, cold, dark, stony*

despair

detached

elated

elation alternating w/ sadness

ennui

euphoria

euphoria alternating w/ sadness

euphoria, lightness, feeling of*

excitement, general, intoxicated as if

fear,?

general, crowd, in a

general, public places of

freedom, remarkable, for what he had to do

forgetful

grief, general

general, loved ones, long lost*?

hide, desire to

independent, general

indifference

irritability

isolation, sensation of*

joy

joy, alt w/ sadness

lightness, feeling of.

loneliness*

love, unlovable*

mental symptoms alternating with,

other mental?

physical

memory, loss of

mistakes, makes

in names

writing

moods, alternating

relaxed feeling, letting go

sadness, depression

alt w/ exalted states

w/ desire for:

air, in open, amel

company amel.

gloomy

intolerable

w/ lassitude

w/ sleepiness

suicidal disposition*

senses, acute

senses, dullness of, blunted

sensitive, oversensitive, general

general, subrubrics:

colors, to

light, to

music, to

noises, to

odors, to

people, to

public place, in*

sensual impressions, to

spoken to aversion to being,

alone, wants to be let

spaced out feeling

spirituality, feelings of*

strength, sensation of increased

stupefaction, intoxication, as if

talk, talking, talks, indisposed to, desire to be silent, taciturn

time, passes too slowly, appearing longer

time, passes too quickly, appearing shorter

tranquility, general

general, alt w/ irritability*

weeping, tearful mood, general

DREAMS:

aquariums*

amusement parks*?

animals:

birds

cats

ducks (new rubric)*

ducks, mothers and babies*

dogs

fish

fish, people who are fish*

animals, dogs buttons, eyes instead of*

beach

beautiful buildings

body parts, toes falling off*

breathe, she can breathe under water

child, children

child, children, about, babies

colored, exaggerated colors & proportions

colored, black and white*

colored, white colored, neon colors*

clothes, changing clothes in public*

clothes, dresses, brightly colored*

danger, escaping from

dead people, of relatives,?

dead people, of mothers

dead pets, beloved*

destination, not reaching hers

disturbing*

excrement

gardens

green grass*

guns

fantastic

helpless feeling

hiding from danger

hospitals

ice and snow

jewelry,

jewelry, rings*

journeys,?

journeys, with difficulty

killing

locking, and unlocking

magic

moons, multiple* ?

moon orange*

music

mystical*

ocean

other worldly*

old people being young

paradise has a view of

paralyzing

paranormal phenomenon*

paranormal phenomenon, children#13

peaceful plants?

plants growing in water*

police

powerful

robbers

royalty

snow

soldiers

spiritual*

stone floors*

submarine, stone, made of*

suffocation

treasure*

threats

transformation, people of*

tunnels

uniforms*

youth, time of

water

water, swimming in

visionary

vivid

VERTIGO:

General Floating, as if

HEAD:

Constriction, band or hoop

energy, sensation as if trapped inside*

fullness

fullness, as by cotton*

fullness, as by water*

Hair, cutting, desires, short, or bald.*

heaviness

lightness

open, as if

water, in as of

waving sensation

waving sensation, water, as if from

HEAD PAIN:

general

general sub rubrics:?

on waking

alternating with, abdominal complaints

right

morning, agg.

forenoon

noon, agg.

afternoon, agg.

evening, agg.

night, agg.

midnight, after, agg.

increasing, gradually

decreasing, gradually

air, open, amel.

extending to,?

ears.

forehead, eyes, above.

sides

alternating sides

left

one-sided.

right.

daytime

forenoon

afternoon

evening, agg.

night, agg.

air, open, amel.

waking, on

walking, open air, amel

extending to

ear, to

eye, to

forehead, to

boring

dull

intermittent

lancinating

pressing

pulsating

VISION:

accommodation, slow

blurred

EAR:

itching

noises, general

noises, general:

crackling

popping

ringing

roaring

stopped sensation

stopped sensation as by cotton

water, sensation, of?

water, sensation of, rushing into ears

HEARING:

acute

acute, noises to

acute, voices and talking, her own, seems very loud

impaired

impaired alt w/ hearing acute

impaired, cotton in ear, as if from

impaired, human voices for

muffled*

muffled, while her own voice seems very loud*

NOSE:

obstruction

obstruction alt w/ discharge

SMELL:

acute

sensitive to odor of:

chlor

faint*

strange odors

strong

tobacco

unpleasant odors

MOUTH:

dryness, as if cotton in the mouth

TASTE:

acute

acute, aftertaste of food eaten

bad

putrid, foul

metallic

salty

strong, all food tastes too

TEETH:

sensitive, tender

THROAT:

choking, constricting, mucous, from*

lump, plug, sensation of

mucous, general

pain, rawness

STOMACH:

fullness, eating, agg. after

fullness, after, ever so little

nausea:

morning

forenoon

afternoon

evening

night

nausea, air, open, amel.

nausea, coffee, agg., after

nausea, eating, agg, after

nausea, odors, from

nausea, seasick, as if

nausea, waves, in

noises, rumbling

pain, general

general, pit of stomach

morning

forenoon

noon?

afternoon

evening

night

general, air, open, amel.

general, eating, after

general, nausea, during

general, pit of

pain, cramping, griping, constricting

ABDOMEN:

distention, general, eating, after

flatulence

noises,?

noises, gurgling,

noises,rumbling

pain, general

general, eating, after

cramping

lancinating

stitching

RECTUM:

involuntary stool

urging desire, general, sudden,?

STOOL:

falling out

BLADDER:

urging to urinate, morbid desire, general

urging, general, daytime

urging, general, night

urging to urinate, morbid desire, general, with stool

urging to urinate, morbid desire, frequent

urging to urinate, morbid desire, general, sudden

MALE:

sexual desire, diminished

sexual desire, diminished, erections, without

sexual desire, increased

CHEST:

pain, general

general, inspiration, agg.

general, spots

general, mammae

pain, burning, sternum, below

pain burning, sternum, below, drinks, amel, cold

BACK:

heaviness, weight, cervical region

pain. general

pain, general, inspiration, agg

pain, general, dorsal region,

pain general dorsal region, inspiration, on

pain, aching

pain, aching, inspiration, deep, agg

pain, aching, dorsal region, scapulae, between

pain, stiching, shooting

stiffness

stiffness, cervical region

EXTREMITIES:

heaviness, tired limbs,

upper limbs?

upper limbs, hands,

lower limbs, legs

itching, lower limbs, toes, between

numbness, insensibility,?

numbness, upper limbs,?

hands

waking on

restlessness,?

restlessness lower limbs,?

restlessness, lower limbs, legs

trembling, general,

upper limbs, hands

lower limbs, legs

EXTREMITIES PAIN:

aching

cramping,

cramping, lower limbs, thighs

cramping, lower limbs, legs

SLEEP:

bad

deep

disturbed

heavy

interrupted

need of sleep, great

restless?

restless, midnight after

sleepiness?

sleepiness, daytime

unrefreshing

waking,?

midnight after, 4am, 6.30 am

headache, with

early, too

frequent

frequent, midnight after

SKIN:

eruptions, itching.

pimples

rash.

*note: following a symptom of a prover, we classify that symptom by writing the number of the prover, followed by the day it was experienced, ie., #1, 018, means prover number 1 on day 18. The first day of taking the remedy is called day 00.

MIND/DREAMS:

Dream: Standing at white bathroom sink. There’s something congealed blackish, stuck in the sink. When I turn the water on hard, it doesn’t wash down. The image alone recalls a vague sense of horror. #1, 13.

Dream: Staying in a house with my friend, who is staying in a room upstairs. Suddenly there is a swimming pool and people are swimming, I want to be swimming too, but for some reason I am not. Then I am in the pool. A “cartoonish” brawny man is there with big, bulging eyes, and a mouth open like a fish’s, and a fine chain joining his inner cheek to the roof of his mouth (palate). Vocalizing a particular drum pattern for a certain type of music, but a piece of the pattern is missing. I know what the missing piece is and I provide it. My friend is swimming away to the other side of the pool, followed by a child, a girl, who is swimming behind her, just like a fish. Like ducks following the mother. Near me, and the “fishy” man, a woman and her daughter are doing a perfect demonstration of the Charleston in the bottom of the pool, under the water. #1, 15.

Dream: The cast included Susan Sonz, Lynn N., and Rob a cameraman and me. I was in the back seat of a car with Susan- despairing about the lack of improvement in my life in spite of homeopathy and healings. Susan urged me to “give it a chance”. I saw a whole bunch of bagels that had been painted different colors and mounted in frames. They had little arms and legs and were made to look like little characters– one was a kind of song and dance man with a walking stick and top hat. I said “oh no, look at all this stuff for sale”. Suddenly we were back out on the road with Rob trying to convince someone to let us film them. Rob, a thin blond guy in his 20’s was acting a little hyper and goofy and he had dyed his dirty blond hair to platinum. I mimed the words “acting out “ to Susan and Lynn who just joined us. The implication was that a homeopathic remedy had changed him. Rob took command of a big ferry that we were on now. Lynn hopped on and said “me too!” meaning a remedy had changed her too. But Lynn was perfectly normal so Susan said ”yeah, right!” We left, leaving people behind who had wanted to get on and i made up a song about thinking you’re going to get on a ship but you’re actually being left behind. The ferry began to go up a St. Louis highway that became a waterway and we were holding onto the wrong side of the railing. I said we would get stopped by the police if they see us so I scrambled to get over the railing to the deck. #2, 03.

Dream: I was sleeping outside with my cat Charlie where a rugged-looking man in a kilt was noticing me. He came over to the side of the bed to say he recognized me from when he used to look in my window. This made me feel uncomfortable–as if he knew me. I was then in the backyard of an exclusive Scottish club, where all the men were dressed in green tartan kilts. I was sitting around at a table outside with the black (African-American) help who were complaining about their treatment– no respect, no regular hours. One of the help worked at a graveyard (and had the logo of a mortuary on his shirt) and was complaining about his hours which made no sense considering his job. There was anger by the Scottish members that the help got to sit at such a nice table in the garden. There was pressure on me to move indoors and select a regular table- something I was resisting. I went inside where a couple of Scotsmen got really close to me and urged me to pick a table where I’d sit all the time. I said “I’d rather move about freely,” which met with disapproval. #2, 03.

Dream: Eighty five year old cousin whose face was distorted on a circus poster. #2, 06.

Dream: Vacation spot with large, dark decrepit cabins. #2, 07.

Dream: Being given a new vision by God. I was in a dark place, like a theatre. I was facing a large gray wall, like a curtain on a stage. On the upper right hand corner was a window cut out. Somehow I floated up and sat on the edge. We were sitting on the edge of a window into this new world—colors, lights, movement, objects were startling, gorgeous, kind of like an animated film. When I went into it, it was almost as if I were on a ferris wheel, or some kind of carnival ride, and I was with a girl. It was someone I knew as a child who is now an adult. A mechanical device came over with verbal instructions to look into it, like it was going to record or download all of our thoughts. I made a repeated “crossing “ motion with my hands and arms, and said “Deny, deny”, to protect us. I took away with me the feeling of a new way of seeing. So many of my previous dreams had been about trying to get somewhere. This dream was a little alarming, it had a malevolent side to it, but I had the presence of mind to use techniques to protect us. I came away with the feeling that God has given me anew way of seeing the world. #2, 07.

Dream: I was in an office and a dog had peed all over the carpet. Someone attempted to clean it. leaving big, wet soapy circles on the rug. An actor showed up looking for his art sampler. It was up to me to find them for him. As he looked thru them, I could see the work– swirling, masses of oils, photographed and printed on glossy paper, and then cut out. The colors were oddly muted, and I asked if this was intentional and he said yes. My long deceased dog Pete made an appearance. Lying on his back, balanced on the upper ridge of the couch. I found this quite amusing. Pete in this position was approached by a coterie of other dogs and cats. #2, 012.

Dream: Of Betty, my dinner companion, who was piloting a plane and we almostcrashed as we were coming into Washington DC but Betty got control of the plane and we landed safely. #2, 012.

Dream: My neighbor Carlita was having a party and she threw her keys– big old fashioned keys on a big ring— out the window and I caught them tho they were intended for someone behind me. I was forced to explain in a humorous way why I’d been so eager to catch them- I thought they were intended for me. #2, 12.

Dream: I was in a museum of broadcasting. There were lots of rooms but absolutely no broadcasting information. Lots of floral patterns, over done curtains, vases, ornate lampshades etc. #2, 012.

Dream: a tiny little Indian girl- about 4 years old comes running down the street in an urban decrepit city, wearing a sari and scarves. She grabs a stranger in a panic. I’m looking for an adult and I see an Indian woman about 100 feet away looking concerned but not reacting. The child runs into traffic, and I’m horrified and worried. Cars are slamming on brakes, screeching tires etc. She makes it across, me running behind her, trying to catch her, and she grabs another stranger around the legs. #2, 012.

Dream: I was at a Turner Classic Movies Theme Park with friends from college, one of whom was transformed into a scruffy, muscular, disheveled long haired guy. The park was very interesting- lots of cookie cutter type stores all in a row, each one dedicated to a different movie star. And there were big lavish stage shows with cartoon characters. Elaborate banks of TV screens with different movie clips, all intercut and relating to or commenting on each other. #2, 015.

Dream: I was back in the mythical city of my dream (day 07) – this time with Jerry Seinfeld and Jennifer Lopez. we were hanging out and I was trying to park one of Jerry’s big old cars. During J-Lo’s concert I could see it was a very lavish show with dancers with veils and a full orchestra, and I was going thru a gift package for me and eating all the baked good- big single layer cakes with chocolate icing- one after another- sheer gluttony. Each was wrapped in see- through plastic with decorative elements. #2, 018.

Dream: my mother , sister and I were in our old, big station wagon, sort of like a tank, having braking problems. I had to take over, and navigate the car through the flood waters and up the hills. Soon after I was creating and winning awards for pastel drawings that were favorites of Kirk Douglas, Lauren Bacall and others. I was very excited about my talent- and my newly won celebrity. #2, 019.

Dream: I was working very hard in a busy hotel to administer healing remedies to Milton Berle but in all the confusion, someone packed my remedies away and I wasn’t able to help Milton. #2, 019.

Dream: I was in some exciting international city and had mastered the ability to mentally rise up a small platform (bigger than a surfboard and thicker than a flying carpet) and “surf” over the city. I loved the excitement of what I was doing as well as the attention. (This dream is a companion to a series of dreams I’ve had repeatedly, and which on some level I believe to be true– that through “mind over matter” I can raise my body off the ground, or breathe under water. In all cases, I am thrilled with my accomplishments). #2, 019.

Dream: of broken concrete buildings. #3, 01.

Dream: of ruins. #3, 02.

Dream: of gardens. #3, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05.

Dream: of party. #3, 04.

Dream: of being asked to get married in parking lot while a bookstore was being robbed. The owner of the bookstore threw money at us to shut us up, then the police came and took them away. During the proposal, the suitor broke the ring, like it was a comedy show. #3, 04.

Dreams: of being young again, of when she was young- in her 20’s. #3, 04, 06.

Dream: of magic #3, 03.

Dreams: unremembered #4, 01 and continuing.

Dream: A very stiff, tall policeman. #5, 01.

Dream: Soldier with a green beret, like an icon, or cardboard cut-out figure, very tall, like a statue. #5, 01.

Dream: Of my dead mother in a labryinth-like building, grim and dark. Worried if she would accept and welcome me, and remember who I was. I wanted her to know who I was as a person. I see my mother as a two year old, but with an eighty year oldface. She was giggling and giddy. I was very distressed at her behavior. I was deeply saddened that we were unable to make contact. I had the feeling as if my heart was breaking. #5, 01.

Dream: Belfast for a visit, with my daughter. I had an appointment in an unfamiliar part of town. Night fell, we never did arrive at our destination. Accosted by a group of roughnecks with knives. We went around in circles. The feeling was of being stuck and hopeless, no way out– we kept passing by the same place over and over again. #5, 06.

Dream: (half waking state)—I dreamt I couldn’t breathe, I was gasping and heaving in my own bed. No matter how deeply I inhaled the air wasn’t getting through. My mind was in a panic, my body was paralyzed. It was like my mother laboring to breathe before dying. #5, 07.

Dreams: of robbers. #5, 14.

Dream: Of a stone submarine. #6, 00.

Dream: I dreamt of an ex-girlfriend who pursued me. She wanted to be with me, kiss me. My wife appeared and I refused the ex-girlfriend. 7, 03.

Dream: Of my husband and I being threatened by 2 gunmen with guns being pointed directly at our heads through windows. I screamed “get down” but there was no place to hide. #8, 02.

Dream: Of a lost dog that came to me and sat at my feet. Very well behaved. And I said “I want to take it home”. My husband said “OK”. Normally he would have said “It’s me or the dog.” #8, 04.

Dream: Of dog (that was lost and found in real life). The dog greeted me and there was a lady in a car with 2 other gogs. She confirmed that this was her dog. In another scene, I was discussing with another woman that I wanted to take the dog home, but she told me it had parasites and would be deadly to pregnant women. (My step-daughter is pregnant). #8, 09.

Dream: At a party, nursed a baby boy at my breast. Went to clean his soiled diaper. The excrement fell out and landed on the floor near the sink. It seemed that shit was all over. #8, 017.

Dream: I went to Canada to visit people in mourning. There I found swatches of paint on a wall covering and I was discussing colors with a woman when my husband said it was not polite to talk business while paying a shiva call. So I went into the kitchen and saw a little dog and got on the floor to play with him. #8, 019.

Dream: In house watching TV, with young man that I know, pleading for his father to return. In the next room I opened every closet and cats came out. Then in another room I saw a beautiful dog with long red hair and tail. A very mean guy tied the dog’s tail up. I screamed at him angrily and chased him away. I untied the dog’s tail. #8, 020.

Dream: of my dog this time. #8 day 027.

Dream: of a remington rifle. #9, 02.

Dream: Being driven around in a yellow school bus from place to place. They ask how many of us are in recovery. Hundreds of my co-workers raise their hands, and so my previous guilt and shame was gone, and I felt empowered and emboldened. #10, 00.

Dream: Outdoors on a bench and sidewalk playing with 3 dogs, one a small white dog maybe a toy poodle, and 2 medium brown dogs. I’m petting and hugging them and they love the attention and want to return it. #10 , 00.

Dream: Indoors at night in a ballroom setting. Important people conducting shady business. I and a friend are eating dessert out of a very large glass bowl that we are sharing. It’s white and creamy, and then I realise that I love the little purple match box cars that I am eating, though I think that plastic might be hard to digest and I stop eating them. #10, 00.

Dream: Very strange beach setting. Sky is strange. Perpetual sunset, very different colors. Feel almost as though I am on another planet. Like the Truman Story.There’s a house-like structure with lots of windows built right into the ocean. I look in and see a large fish, dolphin-like, but the head and body are all one shape. She is partly buried in the sand. I pet her and talk to her and look for signs of life. Then the water and sand shift and she falls apart like a shell. I take her top off, and inside are snake-like babies. They seem happy to be birthed and swim away and out all around me. They are neon orange. One of the windows is aquarium-like, and all the fish I can see are lighted with neon strips along various portions of their body. All colors– it’s beautiful. I move along and find a wall of wet sand taller than I am, about twelve feet tall. I climb up and get over the edge to find a wonderful ocean. I look out and see a bridge of sand extending to a small tiny island. There are two cars driving back from the island. I wait as the cars go by single file, and then I go out further. I lay down in the middle of the sand island and soak up the sun. After a while I feel something along my sides at my waist, coming from below me. It’s subtle at first and almost feels comforting. Then it changes and I start to become alarmed. I feel the edge of something coming up through the sand. It’s a swordfish with long round sharp serrated edges. Now it’s at least six inches long and I am panicking and telepathically calling for help. I’m terrorized and paralyzed with fear. That I cannot move and that there will be more of these coming. Suddenly a presence arrives that I can sense but cannot see and gently pulls me to the awareness that I can get up. I just had to let go of the fear. #10, 00.

Dream: Of apartment complex, all big ground floor apartments with gardens. Very nice, pleasing, home-like. I was invited to share apartments with two different men. There were offices interspersed in the complex. I saw another woman ushering in a woman to her office as I walked by. #10, 01.

Dream: Of man trying to kill his wife with electric cord around neck. #10, 03.

Dream: A woman led me into a field where I realized I was in a Civil War situation. I could see the musket balls in slow motion, and see them hitting their targets. Very disturbing dream. #10, 06.

Dream: Of numbers: #10, 09.

Dreams: Of zombies. #10, 09.

Dream: Of large building with lots of people. A working environment yet seems to be nightime. I overhear plans for an attack and now have information I shouldn’t. I want to warn people. Somehow others know I have this information and try to stop me. A sense of moving up past people all going the other way. As though swimming upstream. Feels futile, hopeless. #10,13.

Dream: Of work environment with elaborate setting. Lots of people. High tech equipment- security cameras and cell-phones. Suddenly wants to leave, can’t find her way out, it’s like a maze. I see steps below and glass doors and water over the driveway. I don’t want to get trapped between the doors. I can’t breathe. I turn back and try to call for help on the cell phone. It doesn’t work, I panic. A woman touches my shoulder through a curtain, leads me to my friend R. who is in a large closet, changing into a uniform-his true colors. Cameras everywhere. We must hurry to get out. Gemstones all over the floor. Women are making bracelets and necklaces for a special charity. #10, 16.

Dream: Of reaching and pulling up from deep water an old treasure. Artifacts and decorated pieces. Whole unbroken china dishes. Only one bigger bowl is damaged. I was very excited. Then I was putting a ring on my left ring finger which was part of the treasure. It was very old, and made from a dark, shiny material like hematite. Suddenly, I heard music coming from the wall in front of me, such a beautiful sound– beyond description, not from this world. Every time I pulled the ring off my finger, the music stopped, and would start immediately when I put the ring back on. This happened three or four times. The wall in front of me didn’t have any devices on it, but there was some specific design on the wall. Mostly in a dark, metallic color. People around me had been witnessing the ring phenomenon and wanted to try the ring on, but it didn’t work for them. At one point my ring started to disintegrate into three pieces, and I tried to hold it together. I was in a lively green outfit. I put an apron on, and the dress and the apron didn’t match. The main feeling of this dream was the awesome feeling of the gift of the music—“angelic.” I felt I had received an incredible spiritual gift. #12, 02.

Dreams: Colorful #12, (many dreams).

Dream: A group of people had a plan to kill me. No way to escape. Observed and hunted. Feeling hopeless. I had the freedom to go outside, but in a controlled environment. #12, 07.

Dream: Of selecting dresses for a fancy occasion. Told I should have a long glittery dress. Instead I was wearing a leopard dress, so I went outside, found a different dress. While I was changing, a light came on and I was seen by one or two males standing across the street. I was deprived of privacy- I felt exposed. #12, 08.

Dream: Of father. He was much younger. He was a minister going to marry someone. He was flirting with someone. I felt bad for my mother, but it validated why she divorced him. #13, 00.

Dream: Of mother showing me her skin rash. #13, 00

Dream: Of not being able to arrive where I wanted to go. #13, 01.

Dreams: Vivid. #13, 00.

Dreams: Of animals, birds and cats. #13, 03.

Dreams: Of babies. #13, 03.

Dreams: Of dead relatives (mother- RS) #13, 03.

Dreams: Of red haired people. #13, 03.

Dream: Of amusement park with band on the stage. Lots of string instruments, mandolin, fiddle, cello. The music was melodic and “other-worldly”, and I was moved by it. I was cradling a blonde toddler while watching the band. The little baby I was holding became a disruptive little boy with a demon quality. My ex-husband came over to him and said in a booming voice, three things which I cannot remember. I wish I could remember those three things because they were important. Then another little blonde child, a beautiful calm child, turned to my husband and said- “Are you — — —?” Then someone in the bandstand said “Cheeky little bastard isn’t he?” Another said- “He really is a bastard, you know”. He said his name was Neil. “Do you have a Mom and a Pop?”, and he slapped my face. It was a gentle reprimand. “You know I don’t”. He turned into a glowing black skinned boy with a three foot wide afro. His eyes were lit like neon. “No, I really didn’t know, I said. I would not have been so cruel to ask you if I had known.” #13, 04.

Dream: Of witnessing a killing. The murderer calmly turned to me and told me that I would be next. I ran to an elevator to be safe and ended up in a pile of rubble with my head sticking up. The murderer said he would be back later to pour cement over me, but I wasn’t anxious about it. #13, 04.

Dream: I dreamt I was in a “dorm-like” setting with many people to a room, and I was concerned about bathroom privacy. #13, 04.

Dreams: Of needing to take care of people, but not succeeding very well. (RS) #13, 04.

Dream: Wanted to sell my Chinese red cabinet. Went to the neighbors for help, instead they showed me some art they wanted to sell. Large oil painting, very blue, of the ocean. They wanted to cut it up, re-mount it and sell it as three separate paintings. #13, 05.

Dream: Of the beach. #13, 07.

Dream: Of dead mother in a hot tub with five fat old men. She was being very familiar with them, and she was in full view of everyone. My brother was very upset and said he had a stomach ache. I said to Mom “Don’t you ever think of the kids?” She got furious, and started hitting me back. I woke up, breathing really hard, with a stomach ache. #13, 08.

Dream: Of being unable to reach my destination in a car. Every turn or exit got me further away from where I wanted to go. The little boy with me was a troublemaker. #13, 08.

Dream: Sexual. Content unremembered. #13, 08.

Dream: Of deep and large pool, very inviting. #13, 15.

Dream: Family members, ex-husband, mom. A lot of commotion, not a lot of good cheer. Went to a man’s apartment on the beach. No furniture, just a lot of brightly colored bathroom rugs, and a small straggly looking dog. I asked him the dog’s name and he couldn’t remember. I was being playfully catty and said- “So what do you say to him when you want to call him- here Dog, here Dog”. And I suggested he feed him raw meat to help his hair loss. #13, 15.

Dreams: Of friends and relatives appearing younger that they are. #13, (RS).

Dreams: Of mystical elements. Children with neon eyes and psychic abilities. Being able to pluck a bird out of the sky. Flying cats and a benevolent woman. Otherwordly images. Of bright colors, particulary reds and blues. #13, (throughout the proving).

Dream: Of work, outside in the grass. #14, 00.

Dream: Of planting grass in the back yard. #14, 01.

Dream: Of losing way and going into a hospital by mistake. Remembering how horrible the place smelled. To me it smelled like sick people. Could not get away from the sick smell. #14, 01.

Dream: Of having five minutes to prepare a dance piece for a jury. We chose the second piece. We were unprepared. It was 6pm, and the jury noticed we were unprepared. I felt we were slower than normal, and we were not able to catch up to time. We were slower, but I was calm about it. #14, 03.

Dream: I dreamt that my toes fell off, I put them back on. I was worried that my lover from a long time ago would notice that they were off. #14, 09.

Dream: I was part of a royal family that was being threatened by a regime, and we were being stalked. I knew I would die and was trying to escape, but felt calm through the whole thing. #14, 09.

Dreams: Of black and white cartoon caricatures of barbers. The only one I remember is of a barber cutting off a weight lifter’s curly ponytail. #15, 00.

Dream: Of running through a construction site with my dog, who has been dead for ten years. I was afraid she would not notice the holes in the construction platform. I yelled at her, she stopped short of one hole, which scared me. A construction worker, who thought she was chasing him, came over and put his fist up to her head to show her who was the boss. She licked his hand and his face, and the tension was broken. #15, 01.

Dreams: Of cleaning. #15, 03.

Dream: Of living in a very cold place. Everything was walls of ice and snow. Brother living in deep, cavernous ice-cave. Dark and blue. #15, 04.

Dream: Trying to write a story about an experience where the land is full of snow. All I could write is, “everything was very white”. #15, 11.

Dream: Of preparing for a long trip with old neighbors. Confusion and last minute disorganized chaos. Frustrated feeling. We pack everything into vehicles to move, but never went anywhere. Feeling uptight. #16, 03.

Dream: Of being back at my old house which had been sold. It was dusty and in disrepair, vacant. I looked around outside and found a candle with a Chinese face, the kind my ex-wife would like. #16, 22.

Dream: (Twice, and never had before). Of plants dug up out of a pond suspended in mid-air, all in a row, and all muddy. The first dream, the plants were diagonal in front of me, and in the second, the plants switched places. #17, 00.

Dream: An old boyfriend kissed me, and put a note in my right back pocket. Later, I opened the note and it read “This family cannot help me with my music.” I was disappointed. #17, 01.

Dream: (Twice, and never had before.) I was walking behind old museums. Someone was walking behind me. He was in uniform. At first I didn’t trust that he was a cop, but he said something and I knew he was OK. There was an old woman washing a stone floor with a bucket of water and a brush. The second dream was of same old woman scrubbing floor. I had been on a trip, and at the end of the trip, I was on the second floor, looking down to the first floor, saying goodbye to the other people who had gone on the same trip with them. I felt sad, but I was glad I didn’t have to be with then anymore. #17, 02.

Dream: Other students sitting outside cafe. Cobblestone ground. We won a contest which had to do with finding a remedy. I was very excited we won. #17, 02.

Dream: Of handbuilt geometric helicopter. #17, 03.

Dream: Of being in charge of the fair. The old fair president made a verbal pass at me. #17, 03.

Dream: Of tunnels, on a hiking trail. On my belly going through tunnels. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Steep hill of birch steps and a big spike hammered into the end of each step. It was too steep and scary. I felt like crying, I was so scared. A friendly old guy came with a tractor and said, “That was the wrong way to go, the other way was much easier”. I went in a building with some people, they left and I realised some of the doors were still open. Only one needed to be locked. I went over to it and turned the handle to lock it, and the old guy said, “Yes, just keep turning the knob and it will lock, and I did.” #17, 04.

Dream: There were three moons in the sky. Two on my right, they were orange. One was a half-moon, one was a full moon, and to my left was an orange crescent moon. #17, 05.

Dream: A German Shepherd dog came after me with buttons sewn on for eyes. I was slightly scared until I saw the buttons. #!7, 05.

Dream: We had to live like old-fashioned people for an assignment. One man and a few women. We were dressed in long, old-fashioned dresses, and had to get a job for 5c a day. We went to a house to live that was very sunny and clean. #17, 05.

Dream: Went into the office where I worked and asked my son to erase the computer of the woman I worked with. We took her name off the desk, which was like a bumper sticker. I was worried that we might get caught. I didn’t want to work there anymore. #17, 07.

Dream: Mother duck or goose was with her young. One young one got bigger and showed its tail at me to scare me away. Another duck did it, but looked different. The mother duck started to look like a wild cat. It started after me, I threw water at it and hit its face. It kept coming and I got a needle in my lower leg. #17, 12.

Dream: A female neighbor heard our family was in trouble and sent a clown who arrived in a volkswagen. #17, 12.

Dream: Eating bread dipped in maple syrup, too sweet. #17, 12.

Dream: Of alligator. #17, 21.

Dream: About loved ones. #18, 13.

Dream: Butterfly? Of wings and butterfly? #19, 02.

MIND:

“Feels like a blanket has covered the day. Muffled sensation, sound, light-everything far away. I feel cut off, inward, trapped, disassociated. I felt like I was under water. It was distressing, I was inward focused. The disassociated feeling reminds me of my late teens, — It would paralyze me. One hour later, I went outside and everything went away. The headache, the muffled feeling subsided quickly.” #1, 00.

“Feeling gloomy, cut off, depressed. Wanting to avoid people all day. Thinking-What if I had a party and nobody came? Feels like you don’t know if you are ever going to feel like yourself again, wondering if this is what depression feels like? Felt withdrawn, flat, didn’t want contact with others- feel socially awkward. Sometimes I feel like this in the winter .” #1, 02.

Trying to work, only wanted to lie down. Not tired, but wanting to switch off- cut out. Lay on sofa and fell asleep, a one hour nap. I only nap when I’m depressed, stuck, it’s like a lack of power. #1, 02.

What that “underwater” feeling represents is a “cut-offness”. A friend kept asking me yesterday if I was OK. I guess I was acting disconnected. #1, 03.

Feel normal and productive. #1, 03, 04.

Started good, but then started to feel same aversion to contact with people, though not depressed.”I would have crawled into my little hole, but an old friend came and we went out.” #1, 05.

Serious problem accessing words and names. #1, 05.

Still sense of wanting to avoid people. Felt cut off, down and overwhelmingly tired. #1, 06.

Feel disconnected again. “This napping unusual. Usually only nap when really down. It’s funny, this up and down thing.” #1, 06.

Overwhelmingly tired, even worse after a snack. #1, 06.

In the evening, stomach feels painfully full after eating a meal. #1, 06.

Woke up feeling fine, want to be outside. #1, 07.

I realise I have been craving high protein food- fish. Also craving the ocean and salt air. I am hungry a lot, but whatever I eat doesn’t satisfy. And even a little bit of food gives me a stomach ache in the pit. #1, 08.

Repeat of the “underwater blanket” sensation like on Day 00. The sound in my ears gets muffled. It’s like feeling in your ears and head when you go under water, muffled and isolating. The sounds from the outside are muffled, and the sound in your head is amplified. It’s a feeling that lasted for five minutes. Either driven to be very isolated, or need to be out with a lot of people. It’s the two extremes. #1, 09.

I think I know what the remedy is. One of those creatures that has a shell, like a sea turtle, sea snail, that can retreat into them. But I have this strong sense of the sea. #1, 12.

Idea of milk or yoghurt is repellent. Can only think of eating fruit. #1, 13.

“I write down my dream.” The greatest recall she’s ever had of any dream in her life. “I wake up in a dark place, in a dark mood. I feel very dark, though it’s light outside. I feel like deep night, cold (though not temperature-wise), as if in an uninviting, stony world.” #1, 15.

“I think it’s goldfish, a fish in a bowl. I realize that it’s my relationship to my window. When it’s cool outside and I shut the window, I hate it. The glass is separating me from –, I can’t define it. I keep thinking of a feeling I had at the film festival about a movie called “Help, I’m a Fish!”, about kids who have a potion to turn themselves into fish. During that film, I felt uncomfortable with my breathing. Since the remedy, I’m more aware of how shallow my breathing has been. It’s almost like- how do you breathe, what is the mechanism?” And then the window washer showed up, washed my windows, and asked me out on a date! #1, 15.

Arrives in London, a fish tank right in the middle of the airport! Ceramic seahorse at my mother’s front door in England! Seahorse wallpaper in my mother’s bathroom! Yo! #1, 21.

When I was told the remedy, “Of course, not surprised, explains why I have been desperately wanting to go and visit the seahorse at the project nearby. Really wanted to see it before I went away. #1, 21.

Feeling as if intoxicated- almost as if I’d had two cocktails. #2, 00.

Last night, after taking the rx, I had a sense of mild euphoria. #2, 01.

Sensation of well being. #2 (throughout proving)

Today, I feel heavy, with a dark face. #2, 01.

I am playfully imagining myself in the wet grass, under a bush, on this rainy day-as a racoon. #2, 01

Generally, I feel that the rx is helping me, as if it were prescribed for me. The “haircut” and my dreams make me realize issues of independence. All my life, I’ve wanted to win the approval of others, and I’m quite good at it. The rx is giving me the freedom to go to that place where I don’t really care what others think of me. “Independence” is a word that has come to the fore, – and in my mind’s eye, I see myself as bald and re-invented. I have been, for a number of months, going through a mourning for the fact that I’m not good looking, that I’m fat, that I have no training for anything except publicity, etc. Now I am entertaining the fantasy of embarking on something new– singing? comedy? Entrepreneurship of some kind? #2, 05.

I am liking my bald head very much. I feel comfortable. Some people who know me have a strong reaction, but I don’t care. #2, 07.

Yesterday was charmed. The weather was lovely. The birds were singing outside of my apartment, along with songs from Flower Drum Song. #2,07.

The ugliness of the world upsets me. Engaging with the world and others is fraught with peril. #2,10.

I have the feeling that I can create the day my way, and not be susceptible to client neediness. I’ll just keep the answering machine on and not listen until I’m ready. #2, 11.

I’m generally functioning better- less resistance to work, less panic and “pit of fear ” in my stomach. #2, 028.

I’m literally “seeing” things- like a rain of gold dust near my little potted tree and also an intricate raised design on my wall as I lay in bed. Both times I blinked over and over, as if it couldn’t be true. #2, 028

Desire to clean #3, 00.

Felt like weeping when walking; unusual sadness #3, 01

Felt “hyper”: need to accomplish things; agitated; uneasy #3, 02

Homesickness #3, 14

Delusions: sees apparitions #3

Irritability. #4, 00 (immediately after remedy)

Company, aversion. #4, 00

Talk, aversion. #4, 00, 04

Lying on bed with arms crossed like a dead person or a bat. #4, 00, 01, 02, etc

Yelled at mother and apologized the next day. #4, 03

Memory, weak, for names, for what I was going to say. #4, 04

“Bad day: not even I love myself.” #4, 04

Fear of being alone. #4, 12

Feels as if in an equilibrium. My mood is very even. I feel very relaxed, almost indolent. I don’t feel like doing much, enjoying it, no guilt. Not feeling flustered by anything at all. #5, 04.

Mild euphoria. A feeling of all’s right with the world….long may it last! #5, 07.

Feeling depressed. “I don’t want to be bothered where people are concerned. It’s a chore to talk to people. I just want to be on my own.” #5, 15

Throughout the proving, I thought a lot more than usual about my parents who are both dead, and had feelings of deep sadness. The dreams reflect this, in that I felt helpless, alone in several, and paralyzed and unable to breathe in another. #5, 16.

Sad and depressed. #7, 03, 04, 07, 08.

Being a little forgetful, blanking on names. #7,06.

Not been dreaming as vividly as I normally do. #7, 08.

Felt indifferent. “Knocked out, stoned”. #7, 09.

Giggling a lot. In great spirits (supervisor says)#8, 01.

Feeling energized and in a good mood. #8, 01.

Not tired at all, could have worked all night #8, 01.

Couldn’t sleep, went to bed at 1.30 am, couldn’t fall asleep. #8,01.

Woke up at 7am., felt awake immediately and not tired. I feel like I’m under the influence of a stimulant. #8, 02.

“One more thing, one more thing, to do…before I can collapse”. #8, 04.

I notice that I make a lot of writing mistakes. Feels like my pen has a mind of its own. #8, 09.

7.45 am: Leave my house for an allopathic conference. Couldn’t find a parking space, and I had to pee. I don’t want to be late. Finally I park. The urge to urinate is greater and now I feel the need to pass stool. I can barely walk. Did not get to the bathroom in time. Passed soft, mushy stool in panties. Luckily the bathroom is empty so I can wash my underwear. Now, I feel quite embarrassed and consider going home, but I am wearing a long dress so I don’t think anyone will realize that I am “sans culottes”. I decide to stay. I feel quite comfortable and focused all day. Realization that people cannot see what is underneath your clothes. It’s a big joke. At every break, I had to urinate with urgency, large volume. I couldn’t wait to return home to take a shower. Stopped by the supermarket to buy milk. I’d never been in the supermarket without panties. I was giggling. That’s what you call having a “shitty” day! #8, 07.

I feel a bit discouraged and depressed. #8, 19.

Delusion: rx smelled like iron. #9, 00.

Irritability “pissy” alternating with underlying calm. #9, 02.

Loneliness, calmness and relaxed. #9, 04.

A sense of calm. #10, 01

Calm and serene all day. Got irritated at boyfriend who asked me to turn off light. Then initiated love making- second time today. #10, 01.

Bought a raffle ticket to swim with dolphins in Hawaii. She guesses it must be an ocean rx, a sea-creature. Wearing blue and green today.#10, 02.

Recording symptoms seems like a lot of effort, a waste of time. Nothing much is happening. I feel like crying and playing hookey from school. I went to dinner and a movie. I am tired of being responsible and serious. #10, 03.

Woke up crying, remembering mother’s death. My boyfriend held me as I sobbed through the pain and story of those days. I cried for nearly an hour. I thought most of that grief had been cleared so was very surprised at the intensity of it. We made love, I needed that connection. #10, 04.

Feels raw, exposed and vulnerable on the edge of tears. #10, 04.

Feeling sad, wish I could cancel tomorrow’s picnic. #10, 06.

Sadness, despair, “Why bother, this is too much trouble”. These thoughts scare me. They are “give-up/don’t care” thoughts. #10, 08.

Suicidal thoughts. #10, 09.

I am not calling my proving supervisor on a regular basis. It’s too personal and I want to censor stuff. A reluctance to share information or make the effort to call. Feel a distance with boyfriend. Things getting too real, too hard. He’s expecting me to do things, be around his kids more. I value my time and independence. The four of us around the dinner table as a family doesn’t sit well with me. #10, 15.

I feel the rx has turned me upside down. I am no longer calm. I have been angry and depressed. The last two days I have been hiding in my cave, avoiding everyone. I feel exposed. #10, 35.

Memory loss. (RS)#10.

Feeling of steady peace. A spiritual calmness and serenity. “I can handle it all.”#11, 00.

Feeling of lightness. #11, 00.

“I felt on a spiritual high”. Feeling of exhilaration lasted the whole day. High energy despite little sleep from previous night. No need for rest.#11, 01.

Losing cell phone #12, 02, 03, 05 (Supervisor also lost cell phone.)

Awkwardness #12, 06.

Noticed an intensification of synchronicity throughout proving. #12, 10.

Overall experience positive. I tend to see more spiritual experiences. I felt very much in my own power and sense of expanded capacities and creativity. #12, 25.

Deep inside, I have a feeling of joy, gratitude and peace. #12, 35.

A feeling of being blissed out and lighthearted. Feel like connecting with people. #13, 00.

When driving in the morning noticed perception seemed distorted, went into a minor panic. But I know myself and I can easily talk myself into strange states, so I don’t think this was too unusual. A sense of calm and a desire to be neat and organized. A feeling of well being. #13, 00.

Found myself attracted to a tropical print dress that a woman was wearing in a supermarket. I speak about my favorite colors- red and blue. #13,00.

Started to feel sort of low, I had been feeling light-hearted earlier. Wanting to make a meaningful connection. I felt a little sad and discouraged. #13,00.

I felt the rx was a grasshopper. An instant later, I felt it was a dragonfly. #13, 00.

While driving to work, felt calm but dissociated from the masses of the people. I did not feel any longing to relate to anyone. #13, 02.

Relaxed and happy, with good energy. Enjoying my solitude. Makes me appreciate the peacefulness of my life. #13, 02.

I noticed I am feeling more deeply empathetic. #13, 03.

Thinking of colors, red and blue (RS)#13, 04.

Delusions: My left arm looks distorted, very long and very skinny- like a Goya painting. #13. 05.

Feeling irritable, and also tired. #13, 05.

Enjoyed food on a sensual level. #13, 05.

Felt lethargic all day, indolence and desire to be alone. #13, 05.

Struck by the sight of a pubescent girl playing outside with younger children. “I thought about how she was caught between ages, her body hinting of things to come, but her spirit still feeling the sheer joy of childs’ play. I became very philosophical, and thought how it is the same with menopause, but in reverse. There are unspoken yearnings, but it seems they are on a more spiritual level. That is how I feel today- transitional, caught between two worlds, not old enough, not young enough, the adolescence of old age perhaps?” #13, 05

Sensitive to noise. #13, 05.

Irritable again. #13, 06.

Have the line “She’s Little and She Loves Me”, from the song Hummingbird, playing over and over in my brain. #13, 06.

My cat is really annoying me. (NS) #13, 06.

For the past couple of weeks he has been meowing constantly. A demanding miserable meow. He was starting to drive me crazy. I didn’t even want to be around him. This is very unusual for me. I normally love it when he cuddles up in my lap, but for the past couple of weeks, I didn’t really even want him near me. #13, 15.

“With my attraction to fruit and flowers and the color red, I am beginning to feel like my dragonfly prediction was wrong and this remedy is hummingbird.” #13, 06.

I turned on my TV for the first time in two months. Just sat there and ate like a zombie. #13, 07.

Late for work, feeling rotten- “I just feel disconnected and out of sorts.” #13, 08.

Read in a book “The Power of Now”- “the inability to feel this connectedness gives rise to the illusion of separation, from yourself and from the world around you. You then perceive yourself, consciously or unconsciously, as an isolated fragment.” I have read these words before but they held so much meaning for me today, “isolated fragment”. I don’t feel like re-reading my notes, but it seems like I have been bouncing back and forth between feeling really high and really low, but the underlying theme is the search for connectedness. #13, 08.

Laughing in sleep. #13, 10.

The color sage green is very important in my life right now. #13, 12.

Irritable, sensitive to noise. #13, 15.

Strong desire for spiritual connection #13. (RS)

Strong empathetic feelings #13. (RS)

Increased sensitivities #13. (RS)

Talkative, wants to be around people. #14, 00.

Sensitive to smells. #14, 00.

Biting fingers, sucking on ends of index and ring fingers. #14, 00.

Huge sense of calm, no feeling of usual tension in a group. Feeling of sitting still for one or two minutes without movement, and then suddenly moving. #14, 01.

Not speaking or socializing at a baby shower. I sat in one place for three and a half hours, and did not move. Others asked me if I was OK. Not much seemed to bother me and the time went by quickly. #14, 07.

Feeling that I missed the remedy. Those first few days seemed to flow along very easily, calmly and without effort. #14, 13.

Notices around today, that she had been drinking more, trying to get back to the calm state she had while she was on the rx. “I thought that if I could just sleep and not wake up, I could possible duplicate the sense of calm I felt during the first few days of the remedy. It took me, this feeling, as far as to think that this could mean death, although it was not death in the sense of suicide, for I quickly realized that to not wake up would mean loss of my life as I know it, and that I have a son, responsibilities too.” #14, 24.

I felt as if I was in a sense hovering above, looking at myself. I sat with my symptoms and almost found some of it amusing because of the slow, calm easy way that they crept into my body and left. Many misspelled words, misspelled in an embarrassing way. #14, (RS).

A little anxiety, sensation as if intoxicated or smoking pot. #15, 00.

Difficult concentration, feels spacey #15, 00.

A kind of “in the moment” slowness. Sensation of being in slow motion.

Incredibly surprised and pleased to be able to give a speech in public. Nearly lost nerve, thought voice would be strangulated and would cry, but didn’t (very unusual, would normally cry in this situation).#15, 12.

Spacy, light-headed feeling, on and off all morning. #16, 01.

Dwelling on relationship with ex-wife, decided it’s not anger I feel, but indifference. #16, 02.

Detached. #16, 02.

“I feel very intruded upon by ex-wife. I think she is not a very good person. I feel resentful. I wish she would just disappear- she’s just got to go. It’s like looking at an object in your backpack on a long trip, and saying- oh, it’s just extra weight, get rid of it”. #16, 05.

Stamina is back now, when he took the remedy he fatigued easily. #16, 08.

Disappointed that proving is not more exciting. #16, 11.

Disappointment in people. #16, 12.

Brooding over loss of son who is moving. I feel as if he were lost to me, as if he were dead. Lying in bed in despair, weeping. Insomnia, brooding, better with the fan on- it stopped the thoughts, I was able to fall asleep. #16, 016.

Strong emotions alternating with indifference. #16. (general theme).

Isolation- “I want to talk to somebody. I feel like a big wall has come down in front of me, I have to be outside.” #17, 00.

Went to the store for apples. Ran into people she knew, didn’t want to talk to them. Thankful to be leaving everyone. “I don’t want to talk to these people.” #17, 00.

Still don’t want to see people. Don’t want to make phone calls. #17, 01.

Someone is talking to me and I feel like I am not here. Am absent even though I can understand and follow what she is saying. #17, 02.

I feel un-grounded, like I am going to float away or loose my mind. I still don’t want to see people. I hide from them. #17, 02.

Worried that I am loosing my mind, but not scared. #17, 03.

Staring into distance a lot, like meditating with eyes open. #17, 03.

I went into town. I see people I know, but I don’t know who they are. #17, 04.

The week went fast, although each day didn’t go fast. I was surprised it was Friday already. #17, 04.

Someone asked me to host a dinner, and I simply said no. Normally, I would have accommodated them. #17, 09.

Very nervous about graduation and being thrown to the wolves. I am worried about starting a business.#17, 10.

Went to an event at her son’s school. Felt lonely watching him and his friends. I sat with a couple of girls, and after five minutes they got up and left. I felt alone like I did in elementary school. #17, 10.

Danced for a few hours, ended up losing stool, had to take a shower. #17, 12.

Old memories are coming back. I want to call my brother who has been dead for ten years. #17, 16.

An illusion of stale cigarette smoke. #17, 16.

Feeling lost, out of it, depressed. Can’t drive, stepped out of the car because of not being able to see the road. #18, 00, 02.

Tired and lost, forgetful. #18, 00, 01, 02.

Sexual desire diminished. #18, 02.

Wants to be alone. #18, 02.

Feels excited, wants to do a lot and has racing thoughts. #18, 03.

Very impatient and very excited about life. #18, 04.

Feels very different, strong, excited. Says he wants to do a lot of stuff. Very sensitive and passionate. High self-esteem. #18, 09.

Feels very rebellious, independent, wants to be alone, wants to be free.

Feels very excited and strong. Doesn’t want to hear anyone’s opinion.

Doesn’t want to be with a girlfriend, wants to be free. #18, 12, 16, 22.

Wants to drink, have drugs and sex. #18, 13, 16.

“I feel very different from normal. I feel strong, free and excited.” Wants to make love many times a day. Hadn’t felt like that in a long time. Wants to be alone. #18, 19.

Time went slowly. #18, (general).

Biting of nails. #18, (general).

Head feels spacey. #19, 00.

Mind spacey “I want to curl up and lie down.” #19, 01.

Indecisive. “I don’t know what to do. I have a slightly reclusive feeling, I don’t want to be bothered.” #19, 01, 02, 03.

Overslept two hours. #19, 02.

I want to eat but am not hungry. #19, 02.

Lost, lonely and weepy. “I don’t know what to do with my life- what’s my purpose? I have a fear of what’s going to happen to me in my life.” #19,03.

Reclusive, did not want to go out. Disappointed in herself, because she is much more capable and she is just getting by. #19, 03.

Energy feels trapped in my head, pushing outwards from the back of my face. The most affected areas are forehead, eyes and tops of cheeks.#2, 01.

Sluggish, with the same pressure behind the forehead and eyes #2, 02.

Shaved my head bald. Been thinking about this on and off for a year or so, but more in the past few days. Liking the bald head- I feel sort of free! #2, 03.

Feels as if full of cotton wool. #5, 03.

Feels in an equilibrium. #5, 04.

Sensation as if top of head is off, and feeling as if under water. #9, 00.

Ten minutes after first dose, experienced a feeling of intense lightness in my head. “As if all the contents of my skull, the brain were lifted up, folded and placed high up in my skull.” #14, 00.

After second dose, upon moving my head to look in different directions, it felt as if the movement was sharp and abrupt. #14, 00

Feeling of lightness. #14, 00.

As I turned my head, I noticed I did not have peripheral vision, seeing only what was in front of my face. Again a turning of my head in an abrupt manner, which felt as if I was taking quick “snap- shot” pictures of what was in front of me. #14, 00.

Around 7 pm, ears became plugged, diminishing my hearing, and no amount of swallowing would clear them. I had trouble hearing what clients were saying. But I could hear a constant “wump, wump” sound, coming from ceiling fans in the apartment. #15, 30.

Driving was a little scary because my hearing was so weird and the weirdness of it was making me feel vertiginous. At Home Depot, I had to lean way over the paint counter to make out what the staff person was saying, but I could hear every pair of wheels on every cart that was rolling around the store, on the cement floor, in my head. It made me a little queasy. #15, 30.