Internet, I need you to be my girlfriend right now, the one who invites me over on Friday night to have a glass of wine and talk about how, sometimes… not all the time… but occasionally… and at times frequently… husbands can be complete idiots.

I really appreciate it. When I’m done I’ll let you tell me about how awkward it is when your boss tries to say certain words that get muddled by the botox that has been freshly injected into her upper lip.

Yesterday afternoon on the half-hour drive home from my mother’s house Jon and I were talking about what our dream house would look like, and luckily we’re pretty much on the same page. If we could aim for the stars it’d be a modern masterpiece with glass walls and slick lines, and we’d each have our own office so that I could play my Debbie Gibson collection and he could play jazz. Not that there’s anything wrong with listening to jazz. Other than it makes playing in heavy traffic seem like a less painful activity.

I was suggesting a certain facade that he couldn’t wrap his head around, so I grabbed a pen to draw my idea. Please pay attention to the previous sentence, because it lies at the crux of this story. That pen. The pen that I grabbed. A grievous and heinous gesture. I bet Hitler didn’t even grab pens.

That pen happened to be the one we use to keep track of our mileage, the one tucked inside the tiny notebook that lists all the business errands we run and whatnot. And after drawing a beautiful diagram of a giant wall of sliding glass doors, I lost my mind and dropped that pen into my purse. I mean, who does that? Can you believe the nerve?

Fast forward to this morning, a Monday morning, one wherein our oldest child decided it’d be a perfect time to imitate a glacier. In fact, I think she’s still down in her room right now getting ready. I should probably alert her teachers that we’ll be there in, oh, 15 million years. Less if China doesn’t cut its carbon emissions.

Wasn’t a good morning, no, and getting her out the door is something we all need to work on. All of us, we know this, but sometimes we lose our cool. And I thought neither Jon nor I had really stepped over the line until two minutes after Marlo and I kissed the both of them goodbye when it sounded like Jon had driven the car through a giant glass structure filled with scrap metal and chickens.

I quickly built a pillow fortress around Marlo on the floor, ran to the garage, and there was my husband, harried and squiggly lines shooting out from his head like lightning bolts, a giant, white seven-inch by thirty-six-inch piece of plastic pinned underneath the front wheel of the car. I couldn’t tell if he had taken out a part of the refrigerator? Part of the storage system? Was that dry wall? Except I couldn’t ask him anything because those squiggly lines had grown hands, reached across the garage and were strangling me.

So. What follows is an abbreviated version of his side of things:

Jon’s normal routine is to start the car, and while his foot is still on the brake he shifts it into reverse. Then he reaches for the pen and notebook to write down the mileage. Once that number has been recorded, he can then quickly back out of the garage and head for school.

Except, there was no pen. Remember? Someone had removed that pen from the car. And I guess this offense was so odious that HE FORGOT THE CAR WAS IN REVERSE, opened the door in an effort to go inside and get a pen, and next thing you know HALF OF THE CAR DOOR IS BEING RIPPED OFF. BY THE OTHER CAR IN THE GARAGE.

So now one car is missing part of the driver’s side door, and the other car looks like someone mistook it for a fast pitch. You want to know why? Because I grabbed that pen.

Because I grabbed that pen.

I will completely accept full blame for this accident if I can be there when he tells the guy fixing the door EXACTLY what happened.

TEAM HEATHER. a pen???? seriously> you’re running a moving VEH-ICLE. she never could have known

Regan

Okay, I do not have time to read all of the other comments, and I have already commented once, but I do have to say that falling in the toilet bowl is NOT a good comparison for ripping off the car door. That IS an unsafe routine. BUT you did take the pen. SO whatever, I am still on your side. The car was in reverse. Ummmm…. what did you think was gonna happen?

LynnLaw

Pen-is at fault.

jazzellis

OK, I just read this entire entry out loud to my husband.

When he was finished laughing hysterically, he said, “Yep, that totally sounds like something we would do.”

Oh, and I’m on Team Pen-Remover, all the way! (Though like few before me, I am also on Team Jazz. Sorry, Heather.)

SociologistTina

Sounds like your husband has OCD, AND he is impulsive and irresponsible.

Apparently being neat and orderly is more important than safety.

On top of that, he’s got a troublesome mindset, in that not only did he endanger himself and his family with his behavior, but he blames YOU for it.

As the German say, too clever is dumb.

I’m glad he’s not my husband, even if he is cute.

beanerut80

I haven’t read through all the comments but perhaps there is an App that Jon could use on his iPhone that would eliminate the need for a pen. My fiance uses AccuFuel on his iPhone on a regular basis and seems to enjoy it just fine.

Poor Jon, getting so much hate for a nasty brainfart…I’m with Heather on this but there are far bigger things in life to worry about and people need to cut Jon some slack.

thehybridmess

ok, so she absent-mindedly puts pen in handbag. He absent-mindedly takes foot off break while car is in gear to go and retrieve said pen. And we are actually debating this. Clearly it must be Heather’s fault. I mean if the roles were reversed Jon would have no problem accepting full responsibility.

Go Heather!!

milkacow

Team Heather.

Amber Star

My guess is that you probably won’t forget the pen/pencil that belongs in the glove box, or wherever. Sometimes I have to remember the numbers until we get home, but there is no damage to my car the next morning because it isn’t in there.

Yep, the insurance deductibles will make this a memorable event and a lesson in keeping ones temper.

Better days soon to you both, because you are both in the wrong. Dooce for not returning the pen to where it lives, and Jon for being short tempered in the morning with the car. No wonder your daughter lingers on about getting dressed. I wouldn’t want to go out there either.

Jeninitaly

I’m with Jon on the pen injustice. Anyone screws with my morning routine and it messes me up completely. And the pens! Can no one return a pen to its owner?

But, I would have to say that the accident was mainly Jon’s fault. I backed into a parked car in my driveway last year, so there is no judgment on “safety” and “controlling oneself” from me. Accidents happen. But always the driver is responsible.

Lindsey

Team Heather. Because I’m always finding pens in my purse and don’t even want to pretend to admit to that amount of damage. But also, really, it’s a lesser evil thing here…two cars > a pen.

I’d also like to say that comment #99 had me laughing for a good 4 minutes after I recovered from this post. And also made me wonder how on earth that is even possible!?

You should sit down TOGETHER with a bottle of wine and chalk this one up to what it really is – what a stressful bitch it is to get a five year-old to school in the morning, and how anyone who gave birth within the past twelve months is damn lucky to even remember her wallet, not to mention a pen.

I do think Jon should have tomorrow’s post to do a little venting though. We love you, Jon!

sabina

ps. Ask my husband about the time I filled up our new diesel car with gasoline.

ashleyenfrance

I guess I would have to say Heathers side. But only because he damaged 2 cars… This is coming though from someone who scraped her car along the side of her stone house because she did ‘see’ it…..

Franchi

I have heard of people having accidents because of talking on the phone, writing things down, eating, smoking etc but this is a brand new way of having a crash (and in your own garage)- impressive!

by the way I have to add, those glaciers are melting so fast right now mainly because of the US and Europe. China is only just getting in on the “how to shorten the human race’s lifespan due to ridiculous over dependence on fossil fuels” but yes China will have a massive impact too. you will have to find another analogy in another few years..

CataclysmicStar

This sounds eerily similar to something that would happen with us, if we had a garage door. I’m honestly surprised that something like this HASN’T happened with some other crucial nearby object, like a neighbor’s car, because while something like that would make me roll my eyes, my husband would positively panic at the idea of something crucial happening to not be in the right place.
I commend his attempt to make your innocent mistake into the reason that your garage door and cars are both crying in confusion, but unfortunately, he’s on his own on this one. I think a bit more (or a bit less) coffee in the morning might help him kick his brain into gear enough that he can rationally think through such a situation.
Don’t worry, though, Jon – my husband is probably nodding in his sleep, agreeing with you. It’s probably something related to the way that the testicles hate trying to function with any other portion of the body (and I think our two sons would agree with that one if they could).
So, to sum it up: Jon, more morning coffee. Heather, it’s obviously in your best interest to find a new method of mileage recording that can’t possibly be slipped into anybody’s anything.
In other news, it’s snowing like a bitch here today. Sometimes I despise Illinois.

madison mayhem

I side with Heather, but as a disclaimer, I am divorced. Apparently I took the pen one too many times! ps. isn’t there an app for milage recording?

bambooska

OMG. Because you grabed that pen.

I have to admit: I’m Team Heather here. Only because I don’t think any external factors imply in that accident. What cause the accident was a foot that was removed, and BANG! Bye bye car’s door. A pen did not remove itself from the clutch, did it?

I understand he got distracted because he expected to have that pen at that particular time. But he didn’t have that pen.

If we blame the things we think while driving for commiting an accident, then wow, how fucked up this world would be. I mean, even worse. Having the pen or not is not enough to blame the accident.

Distraction is.

QofTU

Team Heather. When are the t-shirts available?

Roo8382

Heather, I usually side with my fellow wives when it comes to husband-wife madness, but I’m on Team Jon.

Jon, I understand. I mean, the absence of that pen threw you off. My husband is always moving my shit and throwing me off. Granted, I haven’t taken off half the garage door yet, BUT IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN!

Once, one of our neighbors had the audacity to change their parking spot in our shared apartment parking lot. I was so distracted and thrown off, I managed to rip off the entire front end of our three-week old car when I backed out of our space. Next up: Garage doors!

People like us need consistency and routine. CONSISTENCY!!! If folks, especially spouses, disturb those things, we are not responsible for the ensuing chaos. Go Team Jon!

Roo8382

Sabina, I ALSO filled up my car with diesel gas once! You aren’t alone!

glimmer

Every part of me wants to say that jon was in the wrong, except for the glaring fact that he is ten years older than you. It is like the difference between a crocus and a giant redwood. But the jazz…hate it.

Trina

What is it with husbands and cars? Mine couldn’t figure out how to get the car out of park yesterday. PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE FREAKIN’ BREAK YA TWIT.

They just can’t admit that they get the stoopid’s. We have the excuse of hormones and PMS. They have no excuse.

Did you at least put the pen back? Or at least a few pens? That should make him happy.

LOL. OH man this is too freakin funny though. You’ll have to fill us all in on what the repair guy says. Although you know he’ll still blame you.

Wombat Central

Had Heather found herself in the vehicle sans pen, surely she would have pulled a Sarah Palin and scribbled the mileage on her hand in lipstick.

Gotta go with Heather on this. An unfortunate accident, but not her fault. Poor Jon.

And the Jazz. Gah. Can’t seem to get past that one.

ameliaknapp

Pictures. I need pictures.

Rusty Imp

So. Are you saying that the route to Leta’s school changes daily and Jon could not just make the drive, come home and then calculate the mileage? Hmmmm.

Perhaps a pen on a chain stuck to the dash might prevent further, uhm, accidents.

puzzlepiece

Team Heather. Why is he deducting mileage for driving Leta to school. SHADY.

Mamamia526

Gotta take Heathers side….but I always take the woman’s side! Similar thing happened to my husband, as I was in the car with him. We are going somewhere, he starts the car and opens the garage successfully (multitasking for a man, big time!) As he starts backing out and all I hear is the scraping of metal on metal. I scream, as I do for everything. Somehow it helps……me. He has backed out WITHOUT LOOKING BEHIND HIM and has scraped down the side of our sons truck. He continues backing out until he has scraped the full side of both cars. I scream at him…..”WTF???? Who the hell backs out without looking???????” His answer……”no one is usually parked behind me.”

Conclusion…..men are idiots.

gingermandy

i think pictures are necessary in order to make a sound decision (including a reenactment of jon’s facial expression). but until then, i’m with heather.

cfd

Why didn’t he just get another pen out of his purse? Seriously, men need to be better prepared for the emergencies that life throws their way.

Cool_Mable

I would have loved to have heard the call to the insurance company explaining this. God, I hope you don’t have two deductibles.

Heather’s pen displacement was indeed most a most heinous crime. But still, weighing this all out I have to go with team Heather. Sorry, should have been in “park”.

Shoeladee

OK – I’m sticking with my girl Heather on this one. This sounds just like something my hubby would do – and then blame me. LOL!

Oh and I agree with a previous poster….how does taking Leta to school count as business mileage??? Things that make you go hmmmmmm……

Joe

I created an account to say that Jon is 100% innocent here. If you disrupt someone’s no-thought routine like that, there will be consequences. My wife used to open the garage door when she was riding with me in my car. To her, my complaints were just male control issues until the day that I, going through my no-thought routine, reached up, pressed the button, and came within a millimeter of backing through the door. There but for the grace of God . . . . I feel your pain, dude.

cablearms

I love blurb’s creative genius, but I am forever on Team Dooce! Men aren’t apt for multi-tasking or heaven forbid, a slight change in routine.

This post was damn hilarity at its best!

shazzanorth

you took THE PEN! Vote with Jon on this one.

PS: Brake. This is the first word mistake I’ve seen in dooce which is quite a “feet” .

jlduke55

I learned a long time ago that you don’t fuck with a man and his pens.

BUT, Jon should’ve been paying more attention and not let you throw it in your purse!

Heather J

I’m siding with Jon, simply because this happened to me.

My wonderful boyfriend put my car into the garage once and didn’t straighten the wheel. Now, you’d think I could figure this out when I left that morning, but no.

When I get into my car at the ungodly hour of 5 am to leave for work, his car is warming up beside mine in the driveway.

Can you see where this is going?

Yes, I didn’t turn the wheel (why would I, it’s always right when I do it) and backed right into his car.

So, I’m on Team Jon on this one.

OCD people of the world, unite!

Midnight

Hilarious. I’m not even allowed to touch my husband’s pens (he uses fancy fountain pens, and apparently I PUSH TOO HARD when I write). At any rate, we moved to a new house last year and about 3 weeks after, I was leaving a little to quickly and damaged the passenger side mirror (it caught on the door and pushed backward, a bit further than it was supposed to, but I was able to pop it back into place). Oh, what a hard time my husband gave me, on and on about how I needed to be more careful…until he did the exact same thing, only worse, about a week later.

So the lesson is, make sure you don’t drive one of your cars into the other one next week! That way, you win forever.

I’ll be happy to bring the wine on Friday.

tracy

Oh my sweet baby Jesus, that is hysterical. I’ll take camp Heather in the great pen war of 2010, however I’m with Jon on the jazz.

tenthmile

Sorry Jon, Team Heather!

amy

Ah, Heather, I feel you. World hunger and natural disasters have been blamed on the fact that sometimes I don’t put the nail clippers back in the manicure case.

Cat McKenney

Please, oh please go along with a video camera in hand!

jon

Whatever.

canadianstarr

Sorry Heather, I am going to have to agree with Jon. I am an OCD freak, and when it comes to something not being in its “spot” I flip a lid or remove half the car door persay.

simpliSAHM

I’d love to be there to hear him tell the story of EXACTLY how this happend because I’d bet even the auto body repair guy would say; “Dude, so she took the pen! Get over it.” So sorry for your car repairs..and marriage for the next however long it takes these things to blow over.

Katie Kat

Oh dear sweet little baby Jesus that was so incredibly funny! I mean, I’m on your side, OF COURSE, but I gotta say, I would have been Jon in that situation (in fact, minus the car wrecking, I’ve been in almost that exact same situation) so I do sympathize. Oh please DO post a video!!!

Pipsqueak

OMG! That is classic and oh so familiar. Speaking from someone who has been in your shoes so many times before, OF COURSE IT IS YOUR FAULT!! Good God why should he write the mileage down before putting the car in reverse? Are you kidding that makes no sense what so ever!

whurlgurl

Team Heather all the way!!!

My ex husband and son (who was not even a twinkle in his dads eye at the time) both blame me for the 1986 Boston Red Sox loss in game 6 of the World Series. I was on the phone with him and congratulated him on the win…..when bam Buckner lets one go through his legs and they end up losing!! In NO way was this my fault but I kid you not they seriously blame me for the entire event!!!

g.fox

I’m officially taking your side (sorry, Jon). OCD is not a suitable reason to drive into things and, while I feel his pain for expecting that pen to be there at that moment and that little hiccup so utterly befuddling him, it’s just silly to blame you. Pens are wily little suckers, after all.

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