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Wikileaks’ Assange ‘has a white cat he strokes evilly’ claims Clinton

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has revealed further evidence undermining the credibility of the founder of Wikileaks, Julian Assange, announcing that the controversial investigative journalist and former hacker has a new pet which he takes with him to important meetings. Harry, a soft Persian hairy white cat has been at the heart of the Wikileaks empire for the last three months and, according to the senior American politician, he hasn’t even been neutered.

Citing evidence including audio conversations, the occasional screenshot, and surreptitiously obtained planning requests backed up by photos found on Google Streetview, Clinton also said that the Pentagon had found clear evidence that Assange was taking advantage of liberal Swedish laws to build a secret underground lair demonstrating Wikileaks was a fundamental risk to democratic institutions such as the US Federal government.

The Secretary of State said the US was also concerned about small ads in the situations vacant column of local newspapers seeking applications from individuals interested in a career as a uniformed goon.

Clinton was adamant that the activities of Assange and his organisation were no trifling matter, and stressed that there was a very good chance the world would end if the sinister feline-fondling mastermind was allowed to carry out his dastardly plans for revealing to the international community that the US diplomatic service would find the Russians easier to deal with if Vladimir Putin wouldn’t insist on whipping his shirt off at every opportunity to reveal a chest ‘that isn’t all that’. She also warned of ‘grave consequences’ for everybody should it become public knowledge that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not at the top of President Obama’s Christmas card list.

The US Government has now upped the ante by saying they may activate one of their field agents currently in the vicinity of Mr Assange, who is believed to be living in a safe house in London. It is understood that the agent might have strange pointy shoes which could be lethal if directed in the right way. Names weren’t given, ‘for reasons of National security’, but early evidence suggests it might be Theresa May.