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Teach us, Gil-sensei!

“……………Let’s see now…..yep. All of the class seems to be here. I know we’ve had a half year break thanks to the author being in the army, but that wouldn’t be any kind of excuse to start slacking off. You know that the tiger currently-on-vacation is going to cry if she finds out that her beloved students have become nothing but a bunch of delinquents during the time she was gone. Not only that, but Sensei is also worried. I’m sure she would ride that big bike of her father’s right up my ass if she found out. And since I have hard time enough in trying to avoid Enkidu’s “Big Mike” getting in there, I cannot risk additional attacks”, I slowly explained the current situation to the dull-looking students before me. Everyone stared at me with the expression one stares at tuna in the grocery store.

You know, the: “Aah, this again? I don’t really like it, it tastes so bland, yet I guess I just have to buy it again, just to kill the world’s tuna population a bit more”. I’m looking at you, Italians.

“Therefore, I’m going to have to have a little talk with some of you. First of all: Tohsaka-san, what’s with that outfit? I know you were in London for a while, but I’m afraid Homurahara’s school uniform does not include a robe and a wizard-hat, both black. No…..wait a minute. That place is not even in London! It’s in Scotland! Just where were you idiot during that whole time, anyways!?”

“Sensei, I was quarreling with that Edelfelt-idiot”, comes the answer from the girl in red.

“Luviagelita too!? Just how messed up is your sense of direction!?” I cry out, and point at Tohsaka Rin. “Tohsaka-san! From now on, no more trips aboard for you, unless you’ve figured out how to use GPS!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

The death-cry of Tohsaka Rin echoes across the room, and our class holds a small moment of silence for her shattered future. After all, as everyone knows, there is not a single piece of technology Tohsaka Rin can operate. It looks like her future is to be stuck on this island, forever.

“Well, moving on to the next subject at hand…” I glance over to the boy sitting next to Tohsaka. “Emiya Shirou………just what the hell have you been doing the whole vacation?”

“Sunbathing, King of Heroes.”

“Well, you certainly seemed to have had enough lotion in stock……I mean, how the HELL can you get so tanned in only half a year that’s from MIDDLE OF WINTER to early SUMMER!?” I demand to know, still unable to believe how tanned the skin of Emiya Shirou has become.

“Oh, I dunno”, Emiya Shirou answers. “It just kind of happened. I decided to try an image-change.”

“No, that’s called “character-change”, fool”, I retorted.

----------- Well, aside from the tan…

“Then what about bleaching your hair? I mean, that’s got to make the Tiger-woman cry, you know? If she knew that the person she’s supposed to be guardian of had bleached his hair all white and got a ganguro-makeover, she’d cried tears big enough to by-pass Berserker’s God Hand over twelve times”, I continued my question.

And to that, Emiya Shirou only snickers.

“Unfortunately, King of Heroes, it seems that you really haven’t gotten it yet. Although in real time, it was only a half of a year, in our world, it is what we call “Time Skip”, usual to many shounen mangas”, he said, before standing up, and pointing at me. “That’s right! During this time, I have grown, and trained my powers in order to keep the interest of readers’ in me, the true main character! In fact, I went as far as to make contract with the World for it to boost my popularity! Do you see now, King of Heroes!? When you are facing me, thanks to the World supporting me, my popularity will always be bigger than my enemy’s, regardless of who he is!!”

“Sorry, but that’s the property of that vampire-not-appearing-in-this-story.”

And so, the harsh truth once again crushes Emiya Shirou.

“And with that said”, I point back at the Faker. “Emiya Shirou! Such a bleached hair is a disgrace to our school, and thus, I cannot allow it. Therefore, if you want to continue in this school, you must dye it back to normal. In other words, go see Kurosaki-sensei in the nurse’s office. He knows more about over-Bleaching than anyone else.”

I guess that’s about wraps it up. Then, I guess it’s time for…

“And with that, it’s time for the real thing! Sorry to keep you waiting! Here it is! Teach us, Gil-sensei, Lesson 8! STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!”

// Lesson 8: If you believe a flat-chest is a status symbol, there is something really wrong with you./// April Twelfth.// Monday

“GAH!”

I wake up from a nightmare that is too horrible to even be mentioned. To the relief of my mind, the thing I see is the huge poster of Saber-chan plastered on the ceiling. I’ve put it there just for these kinds of occasions, so that I may see something soothing as the first thing when I open my eyes, instead of having to watch that cheap pirated copy with an obsession over hamburgers.

“Ah………just a dream, just a dream….nothing to worry about….” I murmur, as I snuggle up to my Saber-chan-hugpillow. There are still some time left before I need to leave to work, but for now, I can enjoy the softness of this bed.

--------- That reminds me. I need to hide this hugpillow before Alter comes here. She’d kill me if she found out that I actually owned such thing. It was bad enough what happened after she saw my “Saber Moe Moe Bath-towel”.

Yeah, it’d be bad if Alter happened in this room while I was using the hugpillow of Saber-chan like it was meant to be used. I mean, if she was standing there at the other end of the room, like she is now, I know it would spell out my certain doom. Just the mere thought of her eyes locking on to me while I desperately grip this pillow, like they are locking now, fills me with dread. Such a luck that instead of being here, she is right now right here.

…………….Wait.

Wait-wait-wait-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAITTT!!

Cold sweat appears on my face, as I watch the black and golden figure silently stand there. I’m feeling like a deer in the headlights of a monster-truck with a driver hell-bent on having some steak for the night. Fear freezes me in place, and I cannot do nothing more than stare at Alter, who seems to be staring back at me, with eyes cold enough to remove “dere” from “tsundere” with a single strike.

Ten seconds pass.

Then twenty.

For thirty seconds, we had done nothing but stare at each other.

….

After one whole minute, Alter simply ignored me, and moved her attention elsewhere.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

This was unbelievable. Normally, Alter would have completely decimated me by now with her Blackcalibur, along with my Saber-chan hugpillow. So why was it that instead of that, she simply paid no attention to me, and went to a large cardboard box hidden in the corner of the room, and started rummaging through its contents?

Could it be that in that box……was something so precious that Alter wanted it, without me knowing about it? I had pretended to be asleep, so could she be trying to…..steal something from my room?

In the darkness of the room, I kept my other eye slightly open so I could see how Saber started throwing stuff from inside the box to the floor, as if she was not able to find what she was looking for. She really did seem like a burglar, what with the way she handled the stuff. And now that I think about it, that junk isn’t even mine. That’s Enkidu’s. Just what could Alter hope to find in the stuff left behind by that thrice-cursed trap?

After a long search, it seemed that Alter’s efforts finally paid off. She took two, transparent things out of the box, and looked them in the moonlight coming from outside. Seemingly satisfied, she stood up, still analyzing the objects with her eyes. I too steeled my visions to its limits, trying to see what she had stolen. It was a little hard to make out when she had her back half-turned towards me, but it seemed that Lady Luck was on my side this night.

You see, Alter decided to take a one last glance at the room. And that was when I saw what the things her hands were.

The moment I saw the pads Alter was holding in her hands, I turned into Night of Wallachia. The image was too much for my brain. I leaped out from my futon, charging towards Alter with all my might. Screw that she was the unfeeling, cold bitch known as Alter. She, at least, looked exactly like Saber-chan. And the mere thought of Saber stealing pads so she wouldn’t have to be ashamed of her already proud, yet slightly small, chest was……was…….

“PADDO PADDO PADDO PADDO PADDO!!!”

Too much for my brain.

“Tch!” Alter’s cheeks were slightly flushed, but it still did not take away the look of pure murder on her face. During my tackle towards her, I realized that what I had made was most grave kind of mistake.

After all, the moment I charged, a certain sword had appeared on her hand.

“W-wait, I was just-“

“BLACK-----“

But, but, but, I just momentarily went mad because of the mental image! You cannot blame me for something you yourself caused, can y----

“CALIBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRR!!!”

The room was filled with black light. Like a comet, I shot through the window, to the cold night air, along with the attack. There, surrounded by the stars, and despite having been ravaged by the attack that should have, perhaps, killed me already, I still managed to feel victorious.

For I had managed to prove that even a person like Alter felt unsure about the size of her breasts.

// -------------------------------

“Gilgamesh-sensei. You look like a mess. Has something happened to you this morning?”

This question came with an emotionless voice from Kuzuki-sensei. I had met him in the hallway as I had been heading to my class to hold the homeroom, but had been stopped by him. This was somewhat unusual from the man of so few words as Kuzuki.

“Oh, it’s nothing…….I just learned this morning that there is no getting between woman and her pads”, I retorted with a slightly downcast voice, and wiped some blood from the wound in my forehead.

“I see. Maybe you should also take some speech-lessons I have been taking in order to live peacefully with women. After I started taking these lessons, my relationship with Caster has significantly improved”, Kuzuki told me, and to be honest, he managed to catch my interest.

“Oh? Well, had you been in my situation, facing an angry Alter, what would you have said to defuse the situation?”

“Chill out, dickwad.”

……………………..

“Please, Kuzuki-sensei. Stop taking speech-lessons from young boys being chased by robots from the future.”

I would have said more, but at that point, we were approached by the math teacher. An old man whose hair seemed to have moved from the top of his head to under his chin. In any case, this man approached Kuzuki with some clearly urgent business.

“Kuzuki-sensei? Could I trouble you for a bit? A couple of delinquents have come to our school-grounds, and are looking for a fight…”

-------- Yes. This was the kind of trouble Kuzuki Souichirou was always troubled with.

The emotionless man gave the math teacher a single nod, before glancing once more towards me.

“I’ll be back.”

And with that, he left towards the school grounds.

“……..Didn’t I tell you to stop that, Kuzuki-sensei…?” I asked from the silent corridor, and the menacing back of the machine-like man.

I could tell. This was going to be a Judgment Day for those delinquents.

Well, as much as I would have liked to witness the spectacle that was about to unfold, I still had the homeroom to attend. And so, I headed towards my class, where I knew the students would be waiting, anticipating what news their King would be bringing them this new and glorious day. And, of course, in the classroom, I would be able to see my beloved Saber-chan once more. The mere thought filled me to the brim with happiness, and in haste, I quickened my pace, almost gliding over the floor just to get to the classroom.

And, because I had been hurrying such, I almost ran into Matou Sakura and Tohsaka Rin, who seemed to be in middle of some kind of confrontation.

“Hmm? What’s the matter, Sakura? You seem somehow……lacking…..today”, Tohsaka Rin said with a smile on her face that could be only described as “evil”. Matou Sakura, on the other hand, looked like she was swallowing back tears of bitterness.

“N-Nee-san…..what might you mean by that? Of course I am not lacking in anything today. W-why would you even suggest something like that?” the purple-haired girl asked with a forced tone. The smirk on Tohsaka Rin’s face widened.

“Why? Well…..I couldn’t help but to notice that today, your presence was even more….diminished….than usual. As if one of your most endearing character traits had been removed all-together”, the red-demon cackled.

“A-and what would that character….trait…..be?”

“Hmm, you don’t know? Sakura, do I need to spell it out for you? Because from the looks of it, you’ve lost your cow udde-“

“N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

A scream echoed throughout the hallway, almost making me bleed from my ears. But I could understand from where Matou Sakura’s desperation came from. After all, even I could see it clearly. She was, right now, as flat as the tentacles that rose from the floor, all pointed dangerously towards Tohsaka Rin.

……………Wait, what?

“Nee-san! Die! Die! Die! I didn't become this flat because I wanted to…! I was forced to become one because something unknown happened to me…!” Matou Sakura screamed, launching the tentacles towards her sister.

"------- Oh. What of it?"

Tohsaka Rin doesn't feel for her at all.
------------ Not a single word of sympathy.

"Wha------------"

“Tohohohohoho~! Things like that happen! It's not like crying will change anything, and besides, being flat doesn't sound so bad. Your shoulders don’t hurt now, right? Tohohohohohoho~!" Tohsaka Rin laughs like a jackal and escapes to the staircase behind her, her sister running after her with the fury and menace of a girl who has suddenly lost her most obvious charm-point.

And so, the two, now almost equally flat sisters disappear to the lower floor of the school, other one screaming out her frustration, other one laughing her at her sudden victory.

“………………..J-just what is going on here?” I cannot help but to wonder aloud.

However, just standing there was not going to solve anything. And besides, I still had that homeroom to attend. Thus I left behind the quarreling sisters, and entered the classroom. From what I could see, all others except for the earlier mentioned Tohsaka Rin and Matou Sakura were there, and I even got a greeting from all the male students of the class. Well, that was to be expected. I was their king, after all. It is normal courtesy for the plebeians to greet their ruler with awe and respect, no?

Right?

Then why don’t I hear that greeting from the girls of the classroom?

As I look at the class, I can see that there is sort of awkward and a silent atmosphere that has fallen upon it. All the girls of the classroom look like that bitch of a goddess after Enkidu threw a piece of that bull straight in her face. In other words: Murderous. They glare at each other, and all the boys of the classroom, while covering most of themselves by half-hiding under their desks. It is such an surreal sight that I have to blink a few times, before I can admit that my Sha Nagba Imuru is not malfunctioning, and this is part of the actual reality.

“…..Ryoudo-boy? Just what is…..going on here?” I ask with a stiff voice, and immediately, the class rep appears at my sight, sweat of dread covering his forehead.

“…It appears that something bothers the female population of our school very much today, Sensei”, Ryoudo-boy answered, adjusting his glasses. “No one has been able to ascertain what it is, but at the moment, it seems like this could lead only to a Bad End.”

I glance once more at the girls of the classroom, who all seem to stare now at the two of us. At that point, I also realize that Saber-chan is missing. Wherever she is, it’s not in the classroom. Maybe that’s a sort of blessing, since I would not want to see her glare at me the same way as the other girls do. In fact, it’s a little scary. No, not just little. It’s more like they’re about to rip my fabulous self apart. And that does not happen to me, only to the Wakame-Master.

“W-what do you think we should do, Ryodo-boy?” I whisper to him, and to my surprise, the boy hesitates.

“I’m……..I’m not sure. To be honest, this is not the kind of situation I am accustomed to. As a son of the temple, the only advice I can give is to offer a pray-“

“UOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!! I can’t take this anymore! NO LONGER CAN I TOLERATE THIS! This ridiculous day has gone on long enough! And now Ryodo-kun says that we should pray for our breasts to grow back! What kind of ridiculousness is this!?”

Everyone in the room falls silent. After all, nobody could imagine that Mitsuzuri Ayako could have exploded in such a way.

But what was this about breasts? Was she really talking the truth? The strange postures and the angry glares of the girls in the room were because they had all lost their breasts? But how could that even be possibl-

Wait a minute.

Didn’t I just witness something similar? Matou Sakura had had something similar happen to her. And not only that, Alter had searched for pads this night. That could mean that she, too, had succumbed to this strange phenomenon. And if it was so…..it if it was strong enough to affect Heroic Spirits…..

THEN MY SABER-CHAN WAS IN DANGER!!!

“MITSUZURI!!!” I roared and pointed at the brown-haired girl, who was taken aback by the strength of my voice.

“W-what, Sensei?”

“Tell me! When did this start!? Is it something that just happened, or was it caused by someone!? And if the latter, can you tell me anything that could point out the culprit!?” I ask, while pulling up the original, golden pipe and a golden deerstalker hat from the Gate, and donning them.

“Err…..We all noticed it this morning, when we woke up”, Mitsuzuri explained. “I think it’s definitely caused by someone, since there is NO WAY something as ridiculous as this could happen without a reason. And if I had to point out a culprit…”

…….the culprit….!?

“….Then it would have to be Rider-san. There is no bigger pervert in Fuyuki who would do something like this. Especially when it concerns only girls.”

Umu-umu. The whole class nods in agreement.

“Ah, that’s right!” Wakame-master suddenly jumped up and pointed at me. “Rider was acting all strange yesterday, giggling to herself and muttering about: “Hoarding it all”! That must be it!”

So……Rider, huh? Judging from that S&M outfit she wears even in broad daylight, and from the horror-stories of destroying the innocence of young, naïve girls I’ve heard from Mitsuzuri, I can definitely see her behind this mysterious boob-disappearance. And thus, it falls to me to confront her, and stop this madness before it can get to my dear Saber-chan. If her boobs would disappear, I would have to……have to….have to……

ADJUST THE BREAST-SIZE OF ALL 106 SABER FIGURINES I HAVE IN M ROOM!!! UOOOOOOOOHH, A TASK LIKE THAT WOULD BE INHUMAN!!

I cannot allow this to happen. Never.

“Alright! Don’t worry, students! Your King of the Homeroom will take care of this!” I proclaimed with a loud voice. “Enkidu! Where are you? You’re coming with me on this crusade!”

Suddenly, from under the desk of Emiya Shirou, a small shadow jumped out. The red-haired boy watched in horror, as the deceptively feminine person stood up, nonchalant to the fact that now all were wondering just what he had been doing there. Enkidu walked up to me, and gave me a nod.

“I heard it all, Gil-chan. Sure, I’m in”, he said. “I assure you have a plan on how to catch someone as fast-moving as Rider?”

“Of course”, I grinned at him, before turning to look once more at the class, and especially, at the girls. “Okay. I will be going to apprehend the criminal in question right away. I’m not sure how long it’ll take, though, so in the meantime, make use of these replacements.”

I snapped my fingers, opening the portal behind me.

“GATE OF PAD-YLON!”

THOOM! THOOM! THOOM! THOOM! An array of the original, golden pads shot out, heading straight to the hands of the girls.

“LIKE WE NEED SOMETHING LIKE THESE!!!!”

The cloud of pads shot back, driving Enkidu and I out of the classroom.

// -------------------------------

Engines roared. The sheer speed was enough to cause such wind that the people at the sides of the road were thrown aside like leaves in the autumn wind. Enkidu’s wild laugh disappeared somewhere far behind as I picked up even more speed, turning around in the corner, and heading straight down the main shopping street of Miyama district. I gripped the handles of my throne tighter, and with my mind, picked up even more speed.

Yes. We had decided to use Vimana.

“Gil-chan! I didn’t remember how fast this thing was!” Enkidu laughed. “What was the top speed again??”

“Speed of thought”, I had to yell so that my voice would carry over the roaring winds. “That’s what the strange, pale guy with white hair and pale skin told me when he sold this to me.”

“Heeeh, speed of thought”, Enkidu said with a wonder in his eyes. After blinking twice, though, he looked at me with a slightly doubtful look on his face. “Wait a minute. Since we’re not there already, though, does that mean you’re a really slow thinker, Gil-chan?”

“Shut up!”

We finally got the shop we were looking for in sight. According to our information, provided by Ryodo-boy, Rider was nowadays working in a small shop here in Miyama shopping district. And that was where we would most likely find her. And, if we were in luck, we would catch her off-guard. Combined with the fact that we were on this Vimana, even that Rider should not be able to escape. She wouldn’t even know what hit her.

“There she is!” Enkidu yelled, pointing straight ahead. And indeed. There, I saw a purple-haired gorgon, unloading some packages from a car that had stopped in front of one shop. “Let’s get her, Gil-chan!”

Yes, that was the intention. Just swoop in and take her in custody. However, I think we’re going to have a problem. After all, Rider is staring at this direction. Straight at us. A blank look on her face, as if she was thinking: “Ah, those guys are coming for me”. She raises her hands, lets the box fall to the ground, and….

“PEGASUS!”

In a blinding light, a white, winged horse appears.

And that’s when I know that things are going to become problematic.

Before we can get there, Rider has already jumped on the horse, and sped away to the sky, leaving us with no other choice but to chase after her. I try to pump out all the speed out of Vimana that I can, and soon, slowly, I start seeing that we are gaining her. However, that doesn’t seem to be enough for Enkidu.

“Catch that Rider! Catch that Rider! Catch that Rider! Catch that Rider!”

---------------- What are we, Gilgamesh and Enkidu on their Flying Contraptions!?

As we soared through the sky, an ancient flying-machine chasing after a winged horse, I started realizing that we had to come up with something, or we would be playing this cat-and-mouse game for the whole evening. But how? We would have to make the Pegasus stop somehow. But how could we stop a flying, winged horse who was moving at mach speeds?

……

Wait a minute.

Even though it has wings, it’s still a horse.

And what are horse known of? I know this has a 50/50 chance to succeed, but still, it’s our only shot…

“Enkidu! Prepare yourself!” I roared, and stood up from the throne. “I’m going to use the Gate!”

“Eh, what!?”

With a flick of my fingers, I opened the gate to my treasury. And from inside, I pulled…

“The original, golden, WOODEN HORSE OF TROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”

The gigantic construct was launched from the gate, and due to it’s ridiculous speed, it went flying straight past Rider and her ride, crashing to the ground far ahead of them. Enkidu was yelling at me, telling me that my aim was ridiculously inaccurate, but I shut my ears to those words. After all, I hadn’t tried to hit the Rider. I just wanted Pegasus to see that wooden horse.

If my gamble had paid off, and if Pegasus was male, then……then……!!!

“W-what!?” I could hear Rider yelling in the distance. “Pegasus, why won’t you….hy-HYAAAAAA!!”

Rider’s scream echoed in the air as Pegasus swept straight down to the wooden horse. It took one good look at it, and I could see the thought-process that happened inside those small horse brains. Something unimaginable came to our view between the legs of Pegasus, and soon enough, the damned animal had landed on top of the golden wood-horse.

And it started doing what stallions do the best.

“Huhuhu~” I chuckled, while directing Vimana down, too. “The theory is simple, dear Watson. Even I would swoop straight down, if someone threw naked Saber-chan in front of me.”

“Gil-chan, I don’t think you should be proud of that….”
………

……

…

In any case, one shot from the Heavenly Chain later, we had apprehended our criminal. And so, we confronted Rider, who was sitting in the ground, staring at us with a defiant glance.

“So, we finally meet, Boob-thief”, I snickered. “Feeling regret?”

“And for what should I feel regret for, King of Heroes?” Rider asked from me, trying to play dumb. I sighed, and shrugged.

Time to put in my ace card – the one that I learned from the hard-boiled detective shows of the late night.

“Feigning ignorance, are we? Well, we will get to you after some interrogation, I promise you”, I eyed Rider up and down, before taking something out of the Gate and handing it in front of her. “But first, I’m guessing you’re hungry, right? Here’s some original tonkatsu for you. Made out of gold, of course.”

“Who could eat thaaaaat!?”

Ace card: Failure.

“In any case, what nonsense are you spouting, King of Heroes?” Rider demanded to know. “You were saying I’m thief. If so, then what have I stolen?”

“Don’t play dumb! We all know that you stole all the boobs of the girls in Homurahara!” I proclaim the truth. Rider looks at me, eyes wide open for a moment, before…

“…………………………………………………..huh?”

She looks at me like I have gone mad.

“Boobs? Why…..why on earth would have I done something like that!?” she demands to know.

“How should I know!?” I answer. “But Wakame-master clearly told you had been acting weird lately, talking about how you had “hoarded it all”!”

“Shinji? But we haven’t seen in almost a week. Not after Sakura and I moved to the Emiya residence….” Rider looks at me with confused expression.

What? Rider and Wakame-master hadn’t seen each other in a long time? Then why had he said he had heard Rider say such thing, and act suspicious? Had he been lying, and in fact, he had stolen all those breasts for himself? I wouldn’t put it past Wakame-master, that’s for sure, but somehow, I got the idea that this was not the case this time. No, there was something more to this. Something………..something I had yet to………..

Eh? Wait a minute? Rider…..hoarding……stealing……

Wasn’t that…..?

“Enkidu……get Vimana up and running again. We’re leaving.”

Enkidu gave me a confused look.

“W-what? But we just caught our criminal. Why should we-“

“No. This is not the one who stole all those breasts”, I say, because this time, I’m sure I’m right. “I’ve figured the true target, and the one behind all these robberies of breasts.”

Yes………….the true target………

The true boob-stealer!

// -------------------------------

“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. We pillage plunder, we rifle and loot. Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot. Drink up me 'earties, yo ho~”

Only a single figure was walking around in the harbor, her eyes glued to the sea and far, far beyond it. Her red jacket fluttered in the air, as did her long, wild hair. The scar on her face told of battles, and her eyes thirsted for adventure. This woman was clearly not someone ordinary, and anyone who saw her would have realized that she was better not to be associated with.

A scoundrel. A low-life.

A villain.

“Oi, oi. What is a lady like you doing out here? It’s almost as if you’re waiting for someone?”

“Hmm?” She turns around, to the voice she heard. What she sees makes her smirk. “Could be. Though I’m not sure at all of who I am waiting. Maybe you could tell me?”

“Don’t call me that. I’m not Gil-chan. I’m CAPTAIN GILGAMESH!!!” I proclaim, and take a pose, allowing the sun to shine on my brand new, golden pirate clothing that I just took from my Gate a while ago.

“Captain Gilgamesh, huh?” the woman with red-hair asks, stifling a bad-mannered laugh. “And what do you want from me?”

“Oh, you know”, I grin maliciously at her. “For you to return all the boobs that you’ve stolen.”

“Stolen? Me?” The pirate laughs. “Do you have any proof, Goldie?”

Proof? Proof?

She’s standing in front of me like that, and yet she requires me to show proof? This woman is either stupid or brilliant, I’m not sure which. But at this moment…..her game’s up.

“The proof is that ridiculously big chest-area of yours! How else would have you gotten something like that, if not through absorbing the boobs of others, you piratits!?!?” I yell out, pointing at her breasts. The pirate laughs.

“Good, good! What a lovely deduction, detective!” she applauded. “Looks like my gig is up then. But tell me, Goldie, just how did you intent on taking me in custody? You see me right now, don’t you? You see my breasts, right? If so, then you can probably comprehend just what kind of power they hold. Do you think that you, a single male, can resist these weapons?”

Hmh.

If I were just a single man, then maybe…….just maybe…….her words would hold true. However……………………..I’m not alone. I have someone with me. And that someone is…..

“If you plan on doing that, then I will stop you”, Enkidu simply said, and stepped forward, confronting the Piratits. The woman laughed.

“Oh, little girl! If you try to do that, I’ll take your boobs too, just like th--------NNGH!” her face twisted in pain. “What’s…..what’s this!? You……just………..just what are you!?”

“I’m not a woman, and thus, you cannot threaten me with removal of my breasts. And neither am I a man who you could simply defeat with those barbaric breasts of yours……..too bad, El Drago! I am your worst nightmare, and your natural enemy! I am First Mate Enkidu, and if you’re going to do something to Gil-chan, you’ll have to go through ME!!!!!” Enkidu yelled out, unfazed by the enemy before him.

The other Rider could not believe her eyes.

“It’s……it’s…..”

That’s right, girl. You have lost this time.

“IT’S A TRAP!!!”

Right from the mouth of a real admiral herself.

“Indeed”, I say, and point at the pirate. “Now return all the breasts you’ve stolen. Immediately. Or there will be heavy consequences.”

Rider sighed, but put her hands up in the air, as a sign of defeat. She snapped her fingers, and I felt how a blast of magical energy swept through the city.

“There. I’ve returned them. It’s your victory, Goldie”, she said, before looking at me with mixture of bitterness and excitement on her face. “But I must say, you did well in tracking me down. What made you so adamant and persistent? I thought no one would have found me out, especially when there was that other Perverider around.”

“Why? Isn’t that reason obvious?” I ask, shaking my heads. “You made the mistake of stealing breasts from the class of which’s teacher I am. THOSE BREASTS ARE UNDER MY ROYAL PROTECTION!!!”

“Gil-chan, you shouldn’t say it so proudly…..” Enkidu commented, but I just decided to ignore him.

“King…….oh, you’re that King of Teacher, Gilgamesh, huh?” Rider asked, looking a bit surprised. After I had nodded, she chuckled, and measured me up with her gaze. “Hmm…….not bad. Sure, I’ll keep in mind after this not to mess with your students. However, in exchange, I will do one other thing…..”

I raise my eyebrows.

“And what is that?”

The greedy pirate laughs.

“You’ve got a nice treasure you’ve hoarded, you know? So if I’m not allowed to do anything to your students, it still does not mean I’m gonna ignore that juicy treasury full of untold riches that you walk around with”, Rider says, challenge in her tone. “So just watch out. If I feel like it, I’m gonna rob that Gate of Babylon of yours completely empty.”

“Hmh. Well, you’re welcome to try. But if I catch you, it’s detention for you, Miss. You’ll be scribbling “I will not steal from a teacher” to the original chalk-board one thousand times”, I retort.

“That sounds good. If it’s gold, then I might as well steal that, too.”

Although I managed to solve once incident, and return the boobs of Homuraha, in return, I accidentally also piqued the interest of one villain. Judging from her eyes, I would have to keep a good care of my Gate, or else I would find it empty one day.

I know I should find it bad thing, but…………

………………… Heh.

Wasn’t it the job of a teacher to take care of students, even if they were kleptomaniac delinquents?

[18:30] RacingeR: Max S.Link with hero is when you promise your daughter to him
[18:31] RacingeR: Which means Airen and me are the only ones that maxed it (I promised Spin to him, and Spin is my daughter)
[18:32] hero: oh shit
[18:32] hero: spincess get
[18:32] hero: suck it fuckers

Oh yes, this fic. I remember this from when I lurked in the old forum, and it still is pure gold.

quotes

Originally Posted by Mike1984

Besides, I don't see what's so terrible about looting anyway. It's only property, they're not actually harming anyone.

Originally Posted by lantzblades

when I say hero I don't mean hero in the spirit sense. I mean a morally grounded, good natured person who doesn't slaughter innocent people. No such person exists in the Nasuverse.

[19:33] <@Airen> I like vampires!

[00:12] <~Katie> i can't defy my origin
[00:12] <~Katie> of gay memes

[22:56] <@Sei> airen is pegging hero this time
[22:56] <@Sei> for once airen isn't the uke
[22:56] <@Kuroyuki> I thought Air was the Woman in the Relationship?
[22:56] <@Airen> Yeah I kinda thought I was the girl too!

Fuyuki City.A city where only the strongest can survive.A place where those without jobs or home cannot live in happiness.-Yes, this is the story about that city.That city, and the man who lived there.The man who would be eventually known as…GTOGilgamesh Teaches Olympics

// Lesson 1: You know you’re beyond help when you dry your underwear with other men/// April 1st.// Wednesday

The Great Gilgamesh.

Yes, that’s right. That’s me. The one and only ruler of Uruk, Slayer of Humbaba, King of Heroes and Golden Boy of Year 2600 BC. There are not enough mongrels in this world to fill up the boots that I left behind, so it should just righteously make my return to the world the most joyous moment of humanity’s history.

So, why is it…

“Lancer. Have you seen my underwear?”

“Yeah, I hung them up with mine to the outside.”

“Didn’t you break the laundry pole we had?”

“Oh, I used Gae Bolg as substitute.”

Why is it that I’m stuck with living these two!?!?!?!?!?

Yeah, I get it. Kotomine is, at least namely, our Master, so we’re living with him. But isn’t this just a bit pathetic? We’re in a church! Three guys! All dressed up like we were just coming out of Isthar’s temple! Hell, it might be warm spring, but still! Cherry blossoms are blooming outside, like they are celebrating my existence! And yet here we are, the four of us! Me, Kotomine, Lancer, and a tin of spaghetti!

“Kotomine, can’t you see that I’m already wearing my underwear? Just get the rest of my clothes”, I answered.

“Oh, those are underwear…I was wondering what kind of shiny loincloth you had wrapped around your private places.”

“These are the original underwear we invented in Uruk, thank you very much.”

“I see”, Kotomine smiled as if he had seen something amusing. “Then I shall gather rest of the clothes outside.”

I tell you, there are many things I have seen as the King of Heroes. But still, Kotomine Kirei fresh out of shower is one of the worst.

So, what is the reason why two heroic spirits and one priest are prancing around butt-naked in a church? That’s easy. Earlier tonight, while we were lazing around the church without anything to do, Kotomine’s daughter stopped by. She told us she had got sick of our slovenly life-style, and then proceeded by whipping us into the shape. Literally.

Oh, why can’t that woman be as gentle as Saber is…?

That was why I, the Great Gilgamesh, had spent the most of my day cleaning up this damned church! Kotomine even refused when I said I could bring out the original maid from my vault, saying it would be good if we used our own muscles to do it!

“Oi, Gilgamesh. You think we should fix up that inflatable tub outside? What better way to spend rest of the hot day than in a tub, getting some tan and catching some rays?” Lancer asked with a grin. For greatest spearman of Ireland, he looked far less intimidating when dressed in white briefs.

“Mongrel, I find anything better than sitting around in children’s inflatable tub with two grown up men. Especially when I think about that priest planned on doing in that tub. Apparently Kotomine bought it for that red-wearing girl when she was little.”

“…Eww. To be honest, I lost my interest”, Lancer made a face like he was going to puke, and got up, stretching. “Well, I might just go fishing then. And I could probably catch some dinner later at that crewcut hair’s place.”

D-dammit that mongrel! He’s got it easy since he can freeload at Saber’s place whenever he wants. Meanwhile I’m stuck in here, playing Uno with Mr. Pretty!

“Lancer! Gilgamesh! Here are your clothes.” Kotomine came in, handing our clothes to us while walking past us. He then proceeded to the altar, took of his towel, and begun changing there.

“…I believe the amount of people who visit here would depressingly drop if anyone saw that”, I couldn’t help but to comment.

“…Most likely”, Lancer agreed.

While changing back into my gorgeous attire of white shirt, black pants and black jacket, I noticed something strange. There was this strange feeling of familiarity when I looked at the towel Kotomine had thrown at the church seat. Therefore, after dressing up, I walked there and picked up the towel, looking at it, trying to find the thing that was catching my interest.

…

Wait a minute. This is…

“Kotomineeee! Why are you using my “Moe-Moe Saber-chan bath towel”!?” I screamed from the top of my lungs when I saw the towel.

“Oh? It was yours? I just saw it lying around, so I used it.”

“Uoooooh! It’s been tainted! You mongrel tainted it! My Saber-chaaaaan~” I couldn’t stop the tears that we’re ready to pour down my cheeks. “She’s been tainted…tainted by the black mud…”

“Gilgamesh…aren’t you over-reacting a bit?”

T-t-t-t-t-t-that damned priest has nerve to say that I’m overreacting!?

“That’s it Kotomine! I can’t take it anymore! I can’t take this “2/3 God and Two Men”-thing anymore! I’ve had it with the nightly poker games with our only pair of socks as the single betting prize! I’ve had it with you borrowing my youth elixir to sneak into kindergartens! I’ve had it with Lancer dragging back some fish every now and then, that you leave rotting under the benches so that all the people who come here to hear your sermon are getting stomach ulcers in-rhythm with your speech! And I’ve most certainly had it with you sleeping on the roof because “the church has only one bed”! Kotomine, I’m getting out of here! I simply cannot take it anymore!!”

There. I said it. And damn right I was gonna do as I said. There is no way the King of Heroes is going to live like this anymore.

With snap of fingers, I packed all my things back into my Gate of Babylon, including the Moe-Moe Bath Towel. It might have not been the original, but at least it was safe from further Kotomine-contamination in there.

I stood there, under the burning hot sun, in front of the Kotomine church for good five minutes, unable to come up with any kind of answer. And, as if he had been awaiting for something like this, I heard the doors creak as Kotomine peeked his head out.

But really, where would I go? What would be kind enough place to take me in? There wasn’t probably many, if any, places like that in this world of mongrels. Was there really a place where a king could go and stay as he wished…?

…

…oh yes there was.

“Hmh. It was nice knowing you, Kotomine. But this is truly the farewell for us”, I said, getting my confidence finally back. With snap of fingers I finally summoned the original, golden scooter from inside my vault and hopped on.

“See ya, Kotomine!” I laughed as I started up the scooter and accelerated sharply, heading straight down the road, and down the hill.

Ahh…the wind feels good on my face. To be finally free of the curse of three bachelors. Lancer and Kotomine can rot there for all I care. Why should a king care about what happens to two of his servants?

Though as servant, Kotomine was the type that would be revealed to be the murderer at the end of the story.

Riding the scooter was really the quickest way to move inside the town. Shinto was full of people, and if I had gone by foot, I would have had to push them out of the way with my Noble Phantasms. That kind of thing is too much work, so it was really best that way.

Oh how I wish I could have used my Vimana. However, according to Kotomine, it was “just bit too flashy” to the standards of people of today.

From Shinto to the Fuyuki Big Bridge, from bridge to Miyama town. By scooter it took only half an hour to cross that distance. When comparing to Uruk, I would have gotten only from my throne to the bathroom in this time. World had become such small place during the time I was gone.

Up the hill and right from the intersection. I had visited that place only once, but I knew pretty well where I was going. After all, my love was what guided my steps. That’s why I could steer my scooter without a mistake straight in front of the Japanese-style gate in white stone wall. I looked up to the wooden plate that was attached to the wall.

“Emiya Residence.”

I had certainly come to the right place.

Well, if this was to be my new home, I knew I needed to check if the things were properly arranged around here. So, I opened the gate, stepped inside, and begun analyzing what I saw.

Instead of introducing myself straight to the residents that I knew were inside the house, I decided to take a peek at the backyard. After all, I was curious on how these mongrels were actually tending their living area. If it sufficed, then there was no problem. However, I had more than few things in my Gate of Babylon to fix things if the current state of affairs did not prove to be to my liking.

“Hmm, they keep it clean enough. Veranda seems to be cleaned regularly. Same can be said for windows, and the house in general. Either that Faker is good at cleaning, or then there is someone else here to do it.

Should you call this “woman’s touch”?

“Hmh…??? What’s that…?” I muttered to myself the moment I saw something strange.

Many sets of different kind of clothing were hung outside, probably drying. It was far more welcome sight than what I was used to seeing outside Kotomine Church.

But! Wait a minute!

If these were the clothes used inside the Faker’s residence…

“O-o-o-o-o-o-oh…this is…this must be…!”

Holding out the pure, white, something in my hands, I raised it towards the sun to observe it more closely.

Yes, there was no doubt about. Modest, womanly, yet with dignified air around them…this was, without a doubt…

“Saber’s Panties, GET!”

“…eh…”

The moment I let loose my howl of victory, I heard one other sound behind me. When I turned to look around, I saw someone. A girl dressed in red and black, and with raven black hair.

Ah, I do recognize her. Tokiomi’s daughter. Whatever she was doing here was beyond me, but this meant that…

I had been caught.

“Rin? What’s wrong? Do you have trouble getting all the clothes from…huh?”

And this time, angel’s voice can be heard.

The maiden with green eyes and blonde hair walked from the veranda to Tokiomi’s daughter, wearing a dumbfounded expression. She must have been surprised when she saw me. Well, I cannot blame her for it. Most are. My presence just is like that.

However, that does not stop me from greeting her properly.

“Woman! I have come, finally, to recl-HEBUUUUUUH!!!!”

A strong kick sends me tumbling to the ground. Saber’s magnificent roundhouse kick just knocked me down with single strike.

“King of Heroes! What are you doing here!? Are you trying to provoke us into a battle!?!?” she asked with furious voice, that still managed to sound like heaven’s bells.

Yes, I had been kicked, but…it was not all for naught.

“White…with blue stripes…” with my last ounce of strength, I muttered the following words.

Saber’s eyes darted from the panties that were still in my grip to her groin. A cute blush appeared on her face the moment she realizes what I meant. But, instead of acting all shy like I had imagined her to, she drew a very familiar golden sword from somewhere.

“Gilgamesh, you…you…”

W-wait. This isn’t how this was supposed to go!

“EX-!”

“Wait-wait-wait! I don’t even have my armo-“

“CALIBUUUUUUURRRRR!!!”

As the bright light engulfed me, I held on to the pair of panties that were testimony that I had achieved something with this visit of mine.

// -------------------------------

*hic-hic*

“N-no…I must not give up. Even if they do not even consider of letting my live with them, I cannot give up hope. There must be some place for me to be.”

My triumphant arrival to the Emiya Residence had not gone as planned. Not only had Saber gravely misunderstood my act of affection, but they had also chased me out without even listening to word I said.

Now, I was sitting on the sidewalk, my shoulders drooped and head hung low, not far away from the house.

“B-but! I cannot go back to Kotomine! Not after what I said!”

But the cruel truth is…there is no place for true king in this world of mongrels. There is no place for a king, for king cannot utilize his power in a world like this. Back then, in the good old days, my word would have been absolute.

But now, none of these kids and women know who they are facing! They just disregard me and chase me away!

“It’s hopeless…could there possibly be a place in this world where I could be king again!?” I shouted my question to the skies, unable to take it anymore.

But…

“There is, young man. There is, so never give up hope.”

The heavens answered to my question.

I raised my gaze, and there she stood. Glad in stripes as proud as tiger’s, with face as fierce as samurai’s, and with eyes as determined as king’s. This woman stood before me as a mark from above, from the gods I have loathed. Her unwavering gaze drove new belief and hope in me, enough to make me feel like anything would be possible again.

“Where…? Tell me! Where I can become a king again??” I stood quickly up, my eyes fixed on this woman. She showed me a gentle smile.

“Not far from here is a place where kings from all over the city gather. It is a building where monarchy still exists, a place where laws and orders of the kings are absolute. A place where world still has law and order to it! A place where nobody can question the authority of kings!! A place where you can live your dream again, young man!!!”

It was a miracle. A true miracle. With each word she said, this woman pumped me full of ambition and readiness to show just what I was made of.

This was it! This place would be the place that I belonged to! This promised land of kings! I would go there, and take my place as king once more, reigning over these mongrels!

“Yes! I want to live my dream! Where!? How!? What must I do to become king again!?” I pressed on.

And then…with almost saint-like expression on her face…she put her hand on my shoulder, and nodded.

“Go down this street, and from there, left, until you come across a big building. Go inside, and speak to one of the kings there. Say that you were spent by a certain woman…”

A-a certain woman…?

“Say that you were sent by…Fujimura Taiga, young man.”

Uooooh!! Tiger-woman! I shall surely become king once again!

Thank you, Tiger-womaaaaaaan!!!

……….

……

…

/// April 2st.// Thursday

All in all, Emiya Shirou was satisfied how normal the day had turned out to be so far. With the incident with King of Heroes yesterday, he wanted to make the life get back to the normal tracks.

And what better way to do it than spend a day in school? Especially in P.E lesson, under blue sky and warm sun?

Because of the how the system worked at the school, all P.E lessons were shared by the second year and the first year students. Shirou was, however, fine with it. This just meant that Sakura and her classmates were on the same lessons with him, Rin, Saber and others.

“Kusakabe-sensei sure is late, though…wonder if he has gotten into some sort of accident?” Rin wondered while half-heartedly stretching and warming up. Sakura gave rather troubled smile.

“I hope not. Kusakabe-sensei is nice man, so it would be terrible if something happened to him.”

“Yeah. It’s alright if something happens to Fujimura-sensei, but if it’s the other teachers, it’s alright~” Ayako said with slight grin, caused Sakura to frown a bit.

“That was not what I meant.”

“Oh, we know, Sakura. Ayako was just teasing you”, Rin commented, which was accompanied by good-hearted laughter. However, her laugh turned into grimace when she saw the approaching trio. “Agh.”

“T-Tohsaka-san! C-Can we join your group for the duration of this P.E lesson?” the smallest of the trio of girls that had arrived asked.

“See?? I told you Tohsaka would have no problem with it”, Kaede loudly interrupted, to point out she had been right all along. Himuro frowned upon this.

“Silence. Seems like Sensei is arriving.”

And indeed, all the students were already gathering, which indicated that teacher had arrived. However, the voice they heard, shouting above the voices of students, was not Kusakabe-sensei.

“Alright, gather around, gather around! Seems like all we have here are women and children so I want you all to get together! That way you can all hear what I say”, the new voice issued orders.

“Kusakabe Yuuichi-sensei got into accident last week, and is been, unfortunately, unable to continue in his work as the P.E teacher of this school. That was why I was contacted, and for the next two years, I will be your P.E teacher. Is that clear, mongrels??”

Mongrels? Somehow Emiya Shirou felt vaguely familiar with this voice, and the words he used…

“Let’s make some things clear at first. While you’re here, in this P.E class, you shall obey my every word, mongrels. I am the king of the P.E classes, and you will do well to remember that”, he boomed on with charismatic voice. “However, I am not a tyrant. For those who shall follow me will be bestowed with treasures more than your mongrelic minds can handle! I shall make you all as good as the original P.E class I have in my va-…that I met once.”

The strange P.E teacher cleared his throat and raised something upwards, so everybody could see it. Shirou, after a while, realized it was a golden ball. A large golden ball, for that matter.

“We shall start with some dodge ball! It is a great sport that shall definitely separate the men from the mongrels! I will let you even play with my original dodge ball!” he announced, before laughing and pointing towards the field. “Let’s go, my P.E class!”

“S-Sensei! Can you tell us your name, Sensei?” one of the girls asked, still in awe of the speech of just now.

And then Shirou saw him. Through the crowd of pumped up high school students. He was standing there, with the original dodge ball under his arm, dressed in white and black tracksuit. His golden hair flowed in the wind, and red eyes gazed over the class.

“My true identity, huh? You know, back in the day when the world was still uni-…Gah, no, forget that.” Pulling himself together, the teacher started again.

“I am the new P.E teacher of Homuraba Gakuen, and you can call me: Gilgamesh-sensei!”