Dear Culturalist: Growing Anxiety

Dear Culturalist,I have a small grow inside my condo, and I always feel anxious about a neighbor reporting me or the landlord finding out. What are the best ways to conceal an indoor grow?

Let’s be clear: When you say you want to conceal your grow, what you really mean is you want a way to not be anxious about your garden. Concealing is part of the solution but not the full fix.

I’m sympathetic to your nervousness. This year I grew a plant on my condo balcony, and I was away a lot this summer so it was just the plant and my nosey neighbors with adjoining balconies most of the time. The gal is now harvested and cured, and no idea if someone noticed, but I’d guess someone got a glance since you can see my balcony from most of the other condos.

I convinced myself I didn’t care if I got kicked out of my condo. Which I really don’t. Freedom comes from non-attachment. Also, I have moved three times in the last year. Really not that bad if you have a friend who loves driving moving trucks and you stay high during the entire process.

A long time ago, I convinced myself that I could likely meet my soulmate in prison and therefore it wouldn’t be the worst thing to ever happen to me. This conversation making you increasingly tense? Keep reading.

I do want to help. I suggest with starting down the road to chill by getting a lawyer, and if one lawyer doesn’t help you rest soundly at night, get another and another. Just keep getting lawyers until you sleep like a baby. Have these lawyers give you legal advice, which I would never do.

Make sure you are smoking the right weed. And by smoking it, I mean vaping it, which smells less. The idea here is that you’re looking to be less heat-score. This includes the pastime of not drawing attention to your condo. Your ability to do this is not limited to growing weed—smoking stanky loud weed will speak volumes, too.

You want to be vaping the right herb, which means the stuff that makes you feel relaxed and not tempted to call your lawyer for reassurance (that will cost you $500 per hour). Which cannabis “feels like a warm bath” is different for everyone. The amount is super important, too.

There are the classic weed smells that every mother recognizes and then there are the more perplexing aromas. You want to confuse your neighbors, especially the ones who don’t toke, because they’re the most likely to snitch. There is nothing quite like leaving and coming home, to remind you how much your apartment smells like weed. Make sure you try it regularly and note when that smell hits you hard because that means your neighbors probably smell it as well.

The principle of vaping strains that smell misleadingly unlike weed extends to what you’re growing. Depending on what you’re into, start looking for something scrumptious, and not so dank. You could also consider growing and vaping auto-flowering cannabis, which is what I grew on my balcony. Some growers say they’re akin to watered-down cola, and I agree. For added protection, you might also consider hiding the smell in the scent of a Chinese takeout candle, which is miraculously a real thing.

If this sounds like a nightmare to you, get more lawyers, and if they say it’s okay, grow that dank dank. Or, you could grow Strawberry Banana and press it into dabs. Dabbing smells unique to me, and you need to do less of it than vaping. Which means less heat on you.

Next, let’s visit this whole “small grow” part. That’s wide open. My buddy has a small grow, and it’s an entire basement. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re talking about more of a small-tent type of situation. Regardless of size, my solution for you is to invest in a lot of carbon filters. The air between your product and outside of your apartment should be filtered at all points necessary. Meaning, all points. Carbon filter the tent you’re growing in, drying in, the room the tents are in and the room where you trim.

Even if there is no crack at all under the door to the room within a room, still act like a teenager smoking weed in the bedroom and block it with a blanket at the very least! And don’t wash the clothes you trimmed in at the laundry in the basement of your apartment building. Don’t carry obvious bags of dirt in or plant skeletons out. Don’t invite friends to see your grow who you could picture talking about it on the phone to someone while they’re walking out of your condo building. In fact, don’t even be friends with those people, let alone invite them over and into your grow space. One thing that you could do is grow other fragrant plants in your house. May I suggest catnip?

Wait, are you worried about getting arrested more than kicked out? I think you should deeply consider leaving America, heading north to Canada and living in the woods in the middle of nowhere. In a province where soon it will be legal to grow four plants, of any shape and size.

And one last thing: Never, never post any photos of your grow on Instagram!