A Really Shitty Story

October 26, 2009

With HALLOWEEN approaching quickly, I decided to set aside all my inhibitions and come clean about a true scary story that happened to yours truly just this weekend. But before I begin to tell you , I need to stress that this story is NOT for the weak at heart , just thinking about it now makes me shudder with fear .So if you know yourself to not be able to handle a story with way too many gory details,please turn away now… before it’s too late,and you’re scarred for life, like me!
OK,now that they’re gone and all that’s left is the sick at heart. I will proceed with …..“The Tale Of The Day Shit Went Horribly Wrong”

It was a dark and stormy night…OK I lied it was actually a bright and sunny morning in Thinkinfyou land. When sweet and innocent Thinkinfyou decided to take her family out for a day of fall festivity fun.She had been planning this day all week,and was more than excited to get the day on it’s way. She thought that first they would stop by the pumpkin patch and pick out five perfect gourdes for carving later that night,then it would be on to a fall carnival for more quality family time and fair food galore…for she was never one to say no to a fried oreo,caramel apple,or a funnel cake either. A couple of hours and funnel cakes later the family was on their way back to their homestead when the youngest of the group decided it was the perfect time to announce that he needed supplies for a school project that was due Monday morning. The family had no choice other than to stop at the only store that was left on the road home….Wal-Mart.

Although Thinkinfyou was riddled with fear knowing that she had to take her beloved family into a store that is known to have scary people wandering through it no matter what time of year,she found the courage to enter but only after she warned them all to stay close and to not touch any of the patrons. Showing no fear they all entered the store and immediately headed off to find the supplies. Hunting and gathering for only mere minutes they had found almost all the needed to check out and leave,when all of a sudden poor Thinkinfyou was taken to her knees with pain from her stomach, that warned with gurgling noises after the first funnel cake that one was enough ,but like the sweet yet rebellious dumb ass she is,she didn’t listen and went on to eat two more. Her stomach had had enough and to make Thinkinfyou suffer for not listening to it ,decided that in the middle of a hillybilly infested Wal-Mart was the perfect place to make her pay.

You see,her stomach knew all too well that Thinkinfyou and all that’s wonderful about her has one fatal flaw, she cannot shit in a public place. No, she would rather shit herself on the way home in the car than sit on a toilet that isn’t her own.But her stomach was relentlessly taunting her with pain so bad, she had no choice but to ask the lazy eyed lispy Wal-Mart worker that looked like he wanted to eat her children, where the restroom was. Thankfully he used hand gestures to tell her the way,for she could not understand his Walmartian language. She yelled at her husband to guard her youngest with his life , meet her in the car, and if she didn’t survive this trip to the bathroom to know she loved them both, and with that was off with her daughters in hand running through a sea of walmartians .
Seconds later, they arrived at the restroom door ,using the bottom of her shirt Thinkinfyou pushed open the door, and came face to face with a family of inbreds that were camping out in there. There they were six of them standing along the wall ,enjoying the conditioned air ,while two of their littlest spawn played in the soiled toilet water in the first stall.Horrified by their strange acts,Thinkinfyou wanted to turn around and run,but when she went to turn and go, her stomach growl at her and said, “Wrong bitch,you’ve got no other choice than to shit here!” and she knew it wasn’t fucking around.
So she and her girls went down to the handicap stall at the end of the restroom and locked the door behind them. All three of them knew they were in a bad place and Thinkinfyou was about to cry but she held back her tears ,dropped her pants, hovered an inch or two over the bowl,and pushed…but nothing happened.Her brain had taken over and was not going to allow her stomach to win. It kept throwing thoughts into her head like,” you are going to get ass cancer if that toilet water splashes up on your ass” and “OMG there has got to be inbred feces all over the place in here, your children are never going to be the same. “Her stomach must have been able to hear her thoughts because every time she would have one ,her stomach would spasm even harder. Thinkinfyou wasn’t sure who to side with ,and her indecision brought on the sweats. Her oldest daughter saw this and got her a wet paper towel to cool her down,but one touch of the damp paper towel caused Thinkinfyou’s vision to go blurry and within seconds her body was starting to feel weak like she was going to pass out. Her brain went crazy yelling at her. What the fuck,Thinkinfyou, do you want your 15 minutes of fame to be ” Girl passes out in Wal-Mart bathroom and get molested by inbred family,only to be found by paramedics with her shit soaked pants around her ankles and now is suffering from a severe case of ass cancer!” Get your ass up and out of there now!

Thankfully,Thinkinfyou listened to her brain and told her daughters to hold her up and get her to the car as fast as they could,and then douse themselves and her with hand sanitizer,if they wanted to live! They listened quickly to their mother and got her to safety. And they all lived happily ever after. The End!
Oh,and if you didn’t like my story or just want to hear more frightening tales ,head on over to Humorbloggers.com. They’ve got, a Halloween Carnival going on right, and your funny!

I think I need some purell just for reading that. I don’t know if walmartian pooh germs can travel through the internet, but I do know (thanks to google) there’s never been a study to prove they can’t. I hope your day didn’t end with you looking like that runner.

What can I say? The yellow Smiley would freeze the shit in the diahrrea-spewing spastic colon of a colostomy patient….I make it a point TO shit at Wal*Mart – even if it’s not my local store – i like to give them a low price leader of my own…(how come I KNEW as soon as I saw the title of this post that it was going to be “anus trouble – yours…” LOL