One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on inside the Big Brother 16 house.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I Gots A Story To Tell

I feel like Jordan right now. There is literally nothing in my head. I have no idea what to write. I don't like this feeling at all. How can someone go through life like this? If only I had Jordan's powers to dream of gumdrops and lollipops. I'd imagine a fanciful world. A world where stuffed animals came to life, where chipmunks came and whispered truths into my ear, and where cookie dough was one of the four major food groups. Unicorns would frolic in the clouds and giggling would be mandatory at least 10 times an hour. I'd poop marshmallows and pee lemonade. Too much information? I don't care! I'm Jordan and life is a bowl a fruit loops.

To be read with your best southern accent:

Ok so hey ya'll. My name is Jordan and I'm gonna tell ya'll what happened in the Big Brother house yesterday. Ummm we had a umm meetin' and Kevin didn't use the veto on Lydia. I don't know why he didn't use it cuz I thought they were like friends, but once my brother had a friend and they were dyslexic together and my mom and I just laughed and laughed. It didn't matter none to my brother. He kind of reminds me of Forrest Gump, but he's really smart ya'll just a little slow. No, I don't mean that in a bad way or nothin'. He's sweet. Oh and he also used to be fat, but he's not anymore. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be sayin' this stuff, but it don't make no nevermind so ummm ok Kevin didn't use the veto, but you know what? Those couches in that room are sooooooo comfy. This one time my mom and I were at Sears and they had comfy couches there too. It was so funny. You should go there and see the comfy couches. You would be like, "Wow these are comfy couches."

After the meetin' I stayed outside tryin' to get a tan. It's sunny here in California. I mean, I knew it would be sunny, but I didn't know it'd be all the time sunny. It's really neat and I think I'd maybe like to live here cuz I like the sun and all but I don't know if I like "all the time" sun all the time. I'll think about it later. In the meantime, I'll put a black shirt over my face cuz when I put black over my eyes it's like I'm in the dark and if I'm in the dark than maybe I can like sleep. I don't know though cuz sometimes I can sleep when there are lights too. It's so funny.

You know what I want now? I think I want a fruit salad. I think I'm gonna cut up some fruit and eat it. I'm not real sure what all fruit we got, but I know some are fuzzy and some aren't. Peaches are fuzzy, right? This nectarine looks just like a peach. It kills me that it's not a peach. I'm surprised they just don't call it a peach too. This one time this girl I went to school with had a peach. It was so funny. I was like, "Why do you eat peaches all the time?" and she said, "Cuz I like 'em". I told Jeff that story and he liked it. He asked me if the girl ate furry peaches or not furry peaches. I couldn't 'member, but she was kind of mean to me so I hope they were fuzzy and that the fuzz hurt her fingers. Why don't they just call peaches nectarines? It don't make no sense. Are furry and fuzzy the same thing? Like this dog in my trailer park is furry, but my mama's beard when she hasn't shaved in a few days is fuzzy.

When I get out of this house I'm gonna go eat fast food. I really want to get Wendy's and dip my fries in a frosty. We always used to do that back home after the late shift at Hooters. I also like to put pickles in my coke. It's funny. It looks like giant boogers are floating in my drink. I once told my brother I put boogers in my drink and he ran away screaming. It was so funny. I'm gonna tell the man who drives me away from here to stop at MacDonald's or Wendy's. Did you ever put sweet and sour sauce onto a MacDonald's apple pie? Oh my gosh it's soooooooo good. You have to try it. Those apples in those pies aren't real are they? I don't think they can be real cuz apples are hard and those pie insides are soft. They should call them Fake Apple Pies instead. I once tried to dip my apple pie in barbecue sauce but it wasn't as good as the sweet and sour sauce. The barbecue sauce is better for ummm puttin' on sundaes. If you mix it with the hot fudge, it's really good. Afterwards I have to fart a lot, but it's ok cuz it smells like cotton candy.

I'm gonna put a canteloupe in my fruit salad I think. Jeff went and got me one and it reminded me of that volleyball man in that Forrest Gump movie. You know the guy who was on the island and had the volleyball man? I think his name was Wilson. This canteloupe reminds me of him. I wonder if it'll cry when I cut into it. Don't you like to be sweaty sometimes? I like to be hot and stinky every once in a while. It feels good to be sweaty. My friend... her boyfriend works a lot and they weren't doing it cuz he left and she was frustrated they weren't doing it so she told him if you're not gonna to have sex with me than I'm not gonna take my birth control. HAHA! Isn't that funny? I told Jeff that story today. He liked it. He said that girl wasn't gettin' any bizness. I don't really know what that means but it sounds like it should be funny.

I was telling Chima that I think Russell stares at me. He's always followin' me around like the guys do at my job. This one guy at work once told me he could be my funny uncle. I don't know what that means cuz I don't have any uncles, but he was nice. He gave me $10 that night. That's a lot cuz he only ordered like some cheese fries and $10 is a lot to tip for cheese fries. *giggles* I just saw Jeff's crack. He's losin' weight on slop. He's like my brother. My brother is always showin' crack. I think Russell wants to see my crack. I don't know. He makes me feel funny the way he's always sniffin' after me. Maybe he just likes the way I smell when I'm sweatin'. I think I'm gonna vote him to go home. I think Michele is the Wizard and that Russell is gonna go home anyways.

Chima gets really mad at Russell. She was mad at him all day. I think maybe she really likes him so when she's mad at him it's like she's flirtin' with him or somethin'. I don't know, but all she does is talk about Russell. She was tellin' Michele that when Russell fought with Ronnie it was all planned. Isn't that crazy? I don't think it was planned at all. Jeff doesn't think it was planned at all either. I don't think they could make somethin' like that up so good. It'd be hard to act mad all the time at someone. Chima thinks it's funny that Russell is always wearin' a hat now. She says he's got zits. *giggles* I used to have zits on my chin when I was in school. These older seniors used to make fun of me. They're fat now so I can laugh at them when I see them at the mall, but they were really mean to me when we was in school.

This one time at work we soaked pineapples in vodka. You leave them there for like 3 days and they get really strong. I think Russell was eating those last night. He can't 'member nothin' he said to Jeff last night at all! Jessie is really mad at Russell too. Maybe Russell likes to smell Jessie like he likes to smell me. I don't know, but they was talkin' last night and Jessie told Russell that he doesn't trust him. He said that Russell betrayed him when he chose Jeff to play in the POV. Jessie is such a baby sometimes. I don't know how a man with so many muscles can get so mad at everything all the time. If he ate some fried pickles, he might get happy. I'll tell him that later. Jessie kept making silly faces to Russ though. Is this chin really big or is it just me? He looked like this:

Michele has lost 10 pounds on slop. Isn't that crazy? For some reason, I gained weight on slop. I only deep fried it in grease and covered it with maple syrup. That shouldn't be bad or nothin'. I think the poop it gave me made me gain weight. I wonder how much poop weighs. It's prolly a lot. Michele's clothes don't fit her no more. I could loan her some of my clothes, but I don't have none of them pretty dresses she wears so she may not like that. Michele told Chima that she thinks Lydia is a liar cuz she said she likes Evel Dick. I don't see how that makes her a liar but it has somethin' ta do with femininnism and ladies. There's a word I can't never remember that the other girls say all the time. I think it's mysgenny. Yeah that's it... mysgenny. The girls don't like it, but I don't know what it means so I can't tell if I like it or not yet.

Last night Big Brother gave us Play Dough. Lydia was really happy cuz now she can make play dough people. She's so creative. I can't never think of nothin' like that to do. She's always sewin' things and makin' things and wearin' costumes. I can't never think of how to do stuff like that. Once when I was little my mama gave me and my brother play dough. We used to feed it to our cat and it died. Isn't that funny? My brother put it in the microwave and my mom got mad cuz it made our trailer smell real bad.

TURN OFF JORDAN ACCENT NOW...

Ok so seriously nothing happened yesterday at all. It was very boring and I had no idea what to report today. Hopefully the Jordan story above was slightly amusing and kept you updated. A lot of what I wrote was taken verbatim from the magic that is Jordan's brain. Crazy, right? The peaches, the birth control story, Jeff's crack, the volleyball/cantaloupe, the french fries... yes, she said all of those things. Parents I implore you to educate your children. Invest in their future and send them to elite private schools if you have to. If you don't, they may end up talking like Jordan, our resident genius.

A super special shout out to Kitty! Thank you so much for the lovely email and the nice things you said. It made my day.

3 comments:

That was the funniest thing ever!! EVER!! I laughed everytime it said "Isn't that funny" I want to say to Jordan "I loved that Volleyball man from the Forrest Gump movie. Its a shame he never did another movie." LOL!BB11_Unleashed or Jo..cauz apparently I have a google account