It’s one of man’s basic functions, but it can still be a social minefield. Here’s your guide to the 10 golden rules of urinal-based behavior

1. Thou shalt not use thy smartphone.

There’s a growing trend, sadly, for slashing young men to hold their kickstand in one hand and their smartphone in the other. Such posturing “multi-tasking” shows a lack of class. It’s also probably unhygienic. I’ve even seen men tweeting mid-stream. What the heck are they telling the world that won’t wait?

2. Thou shalt adhere to positioning protocol.

If you’re first to a row of urinals, choose the one furthest from the door. If you’re second in, choose the opposite end. If you’re third in, choose the middle. Try to leave at least one urinal’s gap between users. Here endeth the lesson.

3. Thou shalt not provide musical accompaniment.

That means no singing, humming or whistling, which is the behavior of nervous weirdo’s. Attention-seeking when one’s kickstand is out of one’s trousers is unacceptable. Unless… well, you know.

4. Thou shalt not maketh smalltalk.

A nod or an “alright?” is just about OK if it would be more awkward not to acknowledge a urinal neighbor’s presence. Extended chit-chat is not OK, especially if in the office bogs and it’s about work. “How are those Q4 figures coming along?” Gush, jet. “I’ve arranged that meeting with the bought ledger.” Tinkle, slow down. “Going forward, we need new revenue streams.” Drip, shake, zip. MAKE IT STOP.

5. Those shalt not overdo the shake.

A little jiggle does the job. No need to make out like you’re wrestling with a ten-foot python, like some type of toilet Tarzan.

6. Thou shalt zip betwixt urinal and sink.

If you’re waiting for a berth to become free, it’s annoying when someone has finished but still stands there, zipping, belting, tucking and dithering, occupying the urinal space without actually using it. Equally bad are those geezers who exit the gents still doing their flies up, walking with a sort of “that’s right, ladies, I’ve just had a big piss” swagger. The socially responsible gentleman takes the middle path: he steps away from the urinal when he’s finished, zipping as he makes his way over to the sink.

7. Thou shalt not spit.

There are few things grimmer than a bloke down one end of a “trench”-style urinal gobbing into it, then a line of wee-ers watching sadly as the green blob of snotty spittle floats past. Ditto those anti-social sorts who spit lumps of chewing gum in there for a poor cleaner to remove. Come on, chaps, their job’s grim enough.

8. Thou shalt not go hands-free.

Two-handed is industry standard. One-handed will be tolerated. No-handed is the province of schoolboys pretending they’re an elephant. Or putting their hands on their hips and fantasizing that they’re some sort of wazzing superhero. Fine and fun at home, definitely not in public.

9. Thou shalt not sneak a peek.

Aka ‘doing a George Michael’. Never let your eyes stray from straight ahead, even if talking (see point 4). You’re allowed a glance straight down to check that you’re aiming correctly, or a gaze straight up, as if deep in contemplation. Looking diagonally down means only one thing: tadger-watching. Even if you think you’re doing a subtle sidelong look, he’ll totally notice.

10. Thou shalt go.

If you suffer from “shy bladder syndrome” or “stagefright”, man up and try to overcome it. If you can’t, use a cubicle. Standing at a urinal “dry” may be standard practice for saucer-eyed space cadets at ecstasy-fuelled raves, but it’s unbecoming in an everyday scenario and could lead to suspicions of ‘doing a George Michael’

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

“One of the winners of this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, ‘I’m just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“People have been selling fake parking spaces. They charge people to park in spots that they have no ownership of. Here’s a tip to avoid becoming a victim of this fraud. If you find a parking space during the festival, it’s a scam.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.” -Seth Meyers

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up on the floor as though he were ill. She said, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife!”

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “We’re gonna turn this town upside down!”

Answer: Footloose! This 1984 film starred Kevin Bacon and Lori Singer as teens who fought to have the right to dance in a small midwestern town. It also starred Sarah Jessica Parker and Christopher Penn.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Death by stereo!”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Remove a letter from each of the words below and rearrange the remaining letters to form new words. The 10 words will all fall into a certain category. For example, given the words DEAR, ANGRY, and RENEGE, you could drop the “A” in DEAR to get RED, drop the “N” in ANGRY to get GRAY, and drop an “E” in RENEGE to get GREEN. These would all fall into the category of “Colors”.

If you’re stuck, the hint will name the category. The tough part is getting all 10 words.

EPOCH

EXPEL

WRIST

BUNDLE

INWARD

REPUTE

UNSEAT

ASCRIBE

MEMOIRS

PHRASING

ANSWER: These are all recipe directions:

CHOP, PEEL, STIR, BLEND, DRAIN, PUREE, SAUTE, BRAISE, SIMMER, GARNISH

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What does this rebus mean?

Lies

Fear

Lies

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/