YOU get a cancellation, and you, and you!

Upfronts are in, I guess -- I was so busy this year I was barely even paying attention -- so let's talk about axe murderers and new shows I probably won't watch since I'm still catching up from pilot season 2012. When it comes to the new shows, I'm refusing to watch any trailers and basing my thoughts solely on text descriptions instead. Also, it was stupidly hard to find all this information. Where are you getting it from? Why isn't there a site that just announces "RECAP OF UPFRONTS" for each day of upfronts?

[EDIT: I chose a dumb format for this as a result of mentioning CBS first. I should have used bullet points; I have so little to say that is relevant about the other networks. BUT WHY EDIT NOW.]------------

CBS

Cancellations: I'm sad to see The Crazy Ones and Intelligence go, especially the former, which seemed like it had real staying power. So many talented and attractive actors going to waste. Further feelings outlined here and here, respectively. Really delighted to see Friends With Better Lies die, though.

Renewals: Still gobsmacked about Big Bang Theory getting a 3-season renewal at this age. I just...I'm neither glad nor mad, just surprised. I am REALLY happy to see that Two and a Half Men is FINALLY ending after next year. It was better without Charlie Sheen, but still not, by any stretch of the imagination, "good." Twelve seasons is just a gross amount for that show, of all shows, to get, though. I am pissed to see Mom and The Millers do well enough for renewal. As for The Mentalist being renewed, I'm just utterly confused.

Scheduling: 2 Broke Girls with a delayed start is sad but doable. I'm glad they're breaking up the 2-hour Monday comedy block. With Mike & Molly being held to midseason, it will free me to watch Sleepy Hollow live and remove all chance of me watching any dumb new comedies that night. Also, effing primetime football?? Was there somehow not enough on Sundays or...?

Returning Shows I Will Actually Watch Regularly: 2 Broke Girls, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Survivor. SMALLEST NUMBER EVER, WOOHOO! (but also maybe Big Bang Theory if I catch up on the series this summer, and maybe Mike and Molly, and maybe my gross addictive curiosity to Two and a Half Men will continue, and maybe the shows below...so not really)

New shows: I will, in fact, be considering booking time with both NCIS: NOLA and CSI: Cyber, if I happen to run across them. The latter solely because somebody said Patricia Arquette, and I love her/have missed her since Medium ended. Medium represents a very warm time in my life. And a little bit 'cause I can't miss CSI, but the idea of going back to that world after their Epic Ship Betrayal of 2013 is about as appealing to me as digging up a body for one last hug.

Also, I have to say I applaud the choice of Stephen Colbert to take over from Letterman. I might actually start to watch that show. He's likable and easygoing, like Leno.. And the opposite of a decrepit, creepy old man.

Non-pickups: HOW I MET YOUR DAD IS DOA. Ahahahahaha BURN!------------

ABC

Cancellations: Meh? I was barely aware most of the canceled shows existed. This is like a healthy forest fire to clear out the underbrush.

Renewals: The Middle made it. I'm happy for it on principle, and maybe one day I will forgive its betrayal of my trust for sending the new family dog away, but right now its sound firing and order to get the hell out is still intact. Also I cannot believe Grey's Anatomy's stubborn refusal to stop being successful. But I'm really happy that Gloriously Sweet Wonderful Domestic-Like Wonderland of Wonder and Love, a/k/a Castle, will be around another year (I'm assuming nobody blew that up in the finale, because this show is the new Numb3rs, right?). I also cannot believe there is enough faith in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to let it live.

Scheduling: I see them rolling out the idea of "split seasons." In related news, I hate you!

Returning Shows I Will Actually Watch Regularly: ...holy crap, zero? Yeah. Unless I miraculously catch up on Castle or Grey's Anatomy or Once Upon a Time, then zero. (side note: oh god, how I want to catch up on OUAT. I keep seeing Emma/Hook gifsets and bits of my insides are catching fire from their smolderingly hot chemistry)

New shows: Nothing interesting here. Looks like a bunch of boring political and criminal dramas plus some tryin'-super-hard-to-be-culturally-inclusive-and-progressive comedies with bland concepts.-------------------

FOX

Cancellations: I've said goodbye to Raising Hope twice, and that's all I have any actual reaction to see go.

Renewals: [oops, I forgot to fill this out with FOX info. I guess that means I didn't care?]

Scheduling: Excited to see American Idol maybe finally shrinks in size. The behemoth is really dying, guys! It's happening!! Happy to see Sleepy Hollow's episode order expand. Still really gutted about Glee getting kicked to midseason and most probably ending up with 13 episodes to say goodbye. It's impossible for it to have 22 at this point, so giving them more than 13 at this age and in this state of ratings seems just as unlikely. Oh, my sweet, sweet, once-proud light of my life, what has happened to you.

New shows: I am contractually obligated to watch Gracepoint because David Tennant. Even though I have to say that the trailer does not look exciting, his American accent is actively painful, and I pretty much just want Rex Is Not Your Lawyer instead. And FINE, Red Band Society might be sort of fun. Teens saddled with hospitalization + Octavia Spencer as head nurse? What are three things I love? ...also, "Utopia" sounds kinda awesome. So that's happening.

Random: I love the idea of more live stage musicals! BRING ON GREASE.-------------------

NBC

Cancellations: OH MAN AM I SAD ABOUT REVOLUTION. I AM SO SAD. MAYBE EVEN CHANGRY. Speaking of the show that launched that great vocab word, I am sadly making my peace with Community being done. But back to Revolution, IT HAD INFINITE POTENTIAL and HOW DARE YOU. It was also the source of one of my rare remaining current-show canon ships (Miles/Rachel, which was making just the tiniest in-roads to cuteness), so that bites.

Renewals: I'm glad Parks & Recs is finally ending so people will have to shut up about it. I will never understand why Grimm is successful. I am happy about Hannibal only because that means more dogs on television; can that be a trend shows pick up? And I can't wrap my head around Law & Order: SVU getting picked up for a sixteenth season, apparently determined to try and run down its mothership's record.

Scheduling: So many "event series," so much side-eye from me.

Returning Shows I Will Actually Watch Regularly: None unless I catch up on Law & Order: SVU.

New shows: I have to say, of all the networks, this one actually looks most promising. None are a lock, but a lot in the latter half of the year look like they could be more promising once I start seeing promos with my own eyeballs. A.D. has some slight poential (just because Mark Burnett), Aquarius for crime drama/period piece/Duchovny, Bad Judge cause Kate Walsh, Emerald City (Oz! A producer from Siberia!), Mr. Robinson because Craig Robinson + school, The Mysteries of Laura because Debra Messing + dramady + NYPD stuff. Of those, Mr. Robinson is probably most likely to lose steam before it arrives, but all the others seems decent.

I will say that The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt looks truly horrendous, though. Like Erin Hannon's aggravating naive idiocy TIMES ONE BILLION.

Random: Two more live musicals, two more pending hits. Awesome! (Peter Pan and The Music Man)

And I don't really need to mention CW, right, since it continues to be irrelevant outside of Reign and "wtf and how tf is Supernatural STILL. AROUND."