“Omigawd, can he pardon that stupid bird already?”Image source: Dailymail

This Thanksgiving weekend, President Obama has pardoned a turkey in a traditional ceremony. However, it wasn’t the President or the turkey who attracted the most attention, but the President’s daughters, Sasha, 13, and Malia, 16, who were visibly frowning and fidgeting throughout the entire televised ceremony. In fact, one Republican political staffer became so incensed by Sasha and Malia’s demeanor and clothing choices, that she posted an angry Facebook rant chastising their behavior and appearance, was immediately criticized for it, apologized, and finally resigned from her job. (So thanks a lot, Sasha and Malia, for piling on even more American job losses). And since the First Daughters would have to face TV cameras many more times in the future, here are 10 new etiquette rules Sasha and Malia must follow to avert any possible Republican outrage about their disrespectful and un-American attitude and attire.

1) While present at any official functions, you must never act as if you’re bored. Instead, you must always show that you’re outraged by your father’s tyrannical actions. This should not be hard since this is a normal teenager behavior.

2) You must always wear clothing as modest and non-revealing as possible. A burqa or a niqab would be a good start.

3) You must always wear an American flag pin to demonstrate your allegiance to the nation. And since this pin might not be visible when you turn away, you must wear another American flag pin on your back, and two more on your shoulders.

4) You should never stay out too late, and always be home on time. This is one rule you are not taking seriously at all, because you two, and all of your family were supposed to have been back to your home in Chicago by 2012 at the latest.

6) No playing on your cell phones, texting, tweeting, or Facebooking while you’re on TV. This is important, because Internet users will notice you tweeting, and will start tweeting about you tweeting, and if you also start tweeting about the Internet tweeting about you tweeting, this would will create an ever-expanding Internet tweetback loop which could bring down the entire Internet.

7) You should never argue with adults. Always remember, adults are always right and know better than you or your dad.

8) If you have done anything wrong, you must apologize. However, since apologizing makes America look weak, you will then have to apologize for making America look weak, then apologize for apologizing, and so on.

9) No one told you to stop apologizing and move on the next advice. Go back to #8, but not before you’re done apologizing for ceasing your apologizing too early.

10) To represent the “real” America, you should try to look as white as possible, and judging by your recent photos, you’re not trying hard enough.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events.
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.)
Blogging at listofx.com

I agree with Exile, my son is 12. If he was there, oh my Holy Mood Swing. He’d be slumped over with his hair in his eyes, smirking like crazy and yelling out stuff like “This is so stupid! GAWD! I hate this! I hate turkeys! I hate my life!”

Thank you!
And I honestly don’t know – she may or she may not, but at some point Fox will have to stop giving a platform to all of these people, because it has to keep at least a few of them as viewers.

This staffer may have never raised a teenager, but she must have been a teenager herself at some point – unless she somehow skipped the teenage years and went directly from a toddler to a Republican political operative.

Excellent! And you know what’s even better: Ms. “Classlessness” herself (Elizabeth Lauten) got fired! Is that schadenfreude on my part? Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve reared two teenagers and Sasha and Malia were undeserving of this woman’s shaming–not to mention that racist undercurrent line of “dressed to go to a bar,” These people are determined to try and take our President down from every aspect. Now they attack his children who are simply lovely on all accounts. I’m sure Michelle is saying, “Lord, just two more years–help me hang on for two more years!”

Oh, I’m pretty sure Michelle would have to hang on for at least three-four years more – Barack’s term may end in 2017, but Sasha will still be a 15-year-old teenager then 🙂
And yes, I did know that Ms. Classlessness is now also Ms. Joblessness. 🙂

I’m of two minds about that. Your post is very funny, that’s a given. But you know Obama would know that the media and politicians would tear into his kids – so why did he take them with? I know it was too tempting to show family values and family at Thankgiving but his handlers should have known that teenagers’ natural state is sullen. This looks to me like a failure of advisors and handlers. You want to show teens happy catch them while they’re with friends or playing a sport or such. This looks like a failure to anticipate.

Of course, once it’s done then the media and politicians are assholes for jumping on it.

I’m sure it’s expected to bring the presidential brats along – if he hadn’t brought them, someone would be griping about how he DIDN’T bring them and what does he keep them in a closet or something? What a horrible father! It’s a no-win situation. You have to feel the most for those girls. Like Chelsea Clinton, going through your teenage years in the public eye is not fun.

There probably would be a conspiracy theory that Sasha and Malia aren’t really his kids and are actually paid actors. In case you think I’m kidding, I have seen those chain e-mails complaining that we haven’t seen birth certificates for Sasha and Malia.

I guess Obama and his handlers should have guessed that the media could behave like real jerks towards his kids. This wouldn’t be the first time, either. But it’s not fair to blame Barack for the reaction of the media, and it’s not like Barack can keep his kids in a closed room so that they’re never seen in public.
And also, you never know what really happened – what if the babysitter cancelled at the last minute?

I LOVE you, X, you know that. As usual I laughed like crazy. Good grief, teens getting tired of being paraded around in front of the public eye? They should try drinking like the Bush twins – that might make it easier to look content.

No, it’s not spam. I just can’t get comments to “stick” sometimes when I try to read and comment on my phone instead of on a land computer. I hit reply, or send or whatever, and I think the job is done but the comment has gone off into the atmosphere.
I often think my smart phone is deliberately trying to make me look stupid.
Is that a paranoid comment? Do you think it’s paranoid? You’re looking at me funny, aren’t you? Aren’t you???

11. And if you cannot act white enough ( which requires the services of an authorized licensed southern aristocracy white meter reader to determine) then you must “Act” white which means you must take every precaution against any appearance of being associated with the African/American Culture – – which probably means you have to don “Anonymous” masks and move out of the presidential residence. (John at “My American Times,” – http://myamericantimes.blogspot.in/?m=0).

You Obama girls should be ashamed. You knew those subtle looks would make some idiot shoot off her mouth and look like a complete fool. I know it’s fun when Republicans look stupid, but it’s not polite to bait simple animals. Now a perfectly good dimwit, blowhard has been forced into retirement. Don’t ever do that again…well, maybe 3 or 4 more times, but that’s IT!

Thank you for dropping by and reading the post. And no, you don’t really have to read all the comments – and, actually, you aren’t even legally obligated to read the post itself, so thank you once again. 🙂

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