Archive for July 2009

Today, I caved and called my mother for the first time in around a month after complete radio silence from her. I know I am a wonderful daughter…

So beyond that as I talked to her to see how things were going, some of which I already had hints at because I had heard rumors, and so I waited to hear the world from her point of view. Anyway, as we got into the conversation, my mother starts airily saying how my younger brother, who is bipolar, is living in a homeless shelter in town, has stopped taking his medication, is taking some form or another of heavy drugs, has shacked up with some homeless drug addict and her 2 two year old baby, and has over drawn his bank account by hundreds of dollars and the bank is threatening to send the police after him. After making this statement, she very quickly states that she had nothing to do with it really, and that she tried to warn him against this and how it would all end.

I know my mother very well, well enough to know what a line of bullshit this truly is. Now, from experience, I know what a pain in the ass my brother is, was, and has been, but I also that my mother could make almost anyone insane, never mind someone who has actually struggled with his sanity. My brother has gone through a lot, but he has put all of us through more than our fair share as well, and though I know he can not truly always help it, it has never fully relieved me from thinking some awful things. In my mind I have always known that at some point he would need someone other than my mother to take care of him, but I never thought it would be quite so early in his or my life, and I have always dreaded it. I came fully to that realization after reading I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb back when I was in high school. But, having that idea come full circle and be something that really should happen is something all together different. Also, knowing that my mother is across town, could if she really wanted to do something, do it, makes me question what I should do.

When I started this blog a year ago, I had grand plans and I am really going to try to keep to those plans this year. I am writing for many reasons most of which are selfish. I want to learn more about myself, I want to chronicle those moments that are on-going and life changing, and because I want a place where I can talk through my life in a babbling way where no one is really forced to listen or think about it if they don’t want to.

As a warning to anyone here, I swear a great deal. I apologize ahead of time, with two kids who pick up everything said and repeat it at the most ridiculous moments, swearing at home is not an option so all of my foul language comes out in my writing.

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