Am I Ready To Write?

Cough. Sputter. Bending over. Has anyone seen my insides? I think they have fallen on the floor. Oh there they are….

I saw my regular therapist today and told her I had started this blog. A private blog, a secret one, just for me. But is it? She asked me if I was okay with all of this being on the internet, or if I wanted to just type it in Word and keep it private. I have been thinking about this a lot. And that is just the problem.

When I start thinking, I start worrying. And when I start worrying, I begin caring too much what other people are thinking about me. And since I KNOW it is a fact that the entire world is not thinking about me…I try to avoid thinking too much. It gets me into trouble. Lately I have just really been trying to remember to breathe, and ask myself, “What would you like?”

I would like to get this out. I would also love to help at least one other human being on the planet, to know that they are not alone. So, no. I guess I don’t care to sit and type my tales in Word, and keep it to myself…because that is what I have been doing for decades. Keeping it to myself.

I have a case of “It’s Too Late” disease when it comes to writing. I have a secret English degree hidden in here somewhere. Knock knock. (Nobody is home.) Apparently I did some good writing in the 90’s. But the more time that passed, and the further I got away from grades of any sort, it is like someone cut the ribbon on my writing ability. I have forgotten how to spell. I am pretty sure I will never be grammatically correct. Or politically for that matter. I will always have to look up words like committment and judegement and fascilitate and licence.

Oops, did I spell those wrong? Sorry. Part of the emergence from the darkness process is letting mistakes hang out there for all to see. And not correct them. It’s painful. But I gotta do it.

Speaking of which, in addition to totally opening up this can of verbal worms…I have started painting again. But that’s another story for another day. I still have to figure out how to use WordPress and make chapter thingies. Hopefully some day it will all make sense.