“At no point has he picked my brains about finding really good whores in Sardinia or asked me to hold his coat while he pumps some giggly skank in the bogs of a service station.

“He has simply been tall and shouty.”

He added: “John Terry will be a commanding presence on the pitch and in the dressing room, as well as building personal relationships with the players, asking where they live, what time they get home from training and whether their wives like it up the dirtbox.

“I truly believe he will lead the squad with great stature before tearing it apart just in time for the European Championship finals.