Wantto win $500?

Subscribe to YourTango newsletter

Why Does Every Loser Want To Marry Me?

When you begin attracting the type of person you don't want, go back and make peace with your parent

A Fox 26 viewer sent me this question:

Dear Mary Jo,
I am in my late twenties and grew up with a dad I didn’t really respect. He didn’t treat my mother very good, and was not faithful to her. He wasn’t involved with me, and I don’t remember ever feeling special. He went to work, and that was the extent of his care. I now find myself dating men exactly like him. I don’t want to; they just seem to be the ones who come into my life. What’s going on? Am I doomed to marry someone like him and repeat my mother’s mistake? Thank you, Kellie.

This is a common question, and many men and women date people like their mom and dad. After all, our moms and dads are our first mentors of what is normal. As we grow up we begin comparing our normal with other friends’ normal, and realize maybe a bit late that our normal isn’t normal at all.

When dating, feeling more comfortable around people who feel familiar to you, such as what you saw demonstrated by your parents is common and more likely. The problem comes about when you have resentment or anger from how one of your parents treated you. This unresolved anger and resentment doesn’t disappear, and often times are projected on to another person or partner.

For example, Kellie, states that her dad was never there for her. He didn’t treat her mother with respect, and emotionally wasn’t available. The anger and hurt she feels becomes projected on to the men in her life. She is actually bringing her dad and her issues with him back into her love life. The guy may or may not know what is going on, but one thing is for sure, he has a part to play and he plays it because Kellie has given it to him. This also allows Kellie to bond further with her mom, and maybe even say things such as, “All men are the same, or all men are emotionally unavailable.” Kellie watched this growing up, and it is “hardwired” into her emotionally and feels familiar. She will most likely act this out until she works through her feelings and forgives her father.

Many times you will see these dynamics acted out among your colleagues and friends. For example, if a woman grows up feeling closer to her father than her mother she may forever be unhappy with her choice of partners. The reason isn’t the partners she chooses, but rather her distance from her mother. A woman’s relationship with her mother is an indicator for how fulfilled she feels with a partner. The more distant relationship women have with their mothers is also an indicator of their trust and ability to work well with other women.

I read an article recently about a couple that shared their marriage story. In the story the author (the husband) told the reader how his wife came to him one day and asked to talk with him. She talked about their two lovely girls, their fun social life and then she threw him a “verbal bomb” he didn’t expect. She said her life at ... Read more

Miscommunication happens frequently in families, among friends and in relationships. Expecting an "I love you" or "You look pretty" is not too much to ask, so why do so many spouses neglect saying it to the one they love?
Does a spouse have to say "I love you" when they've mowed the lawn or taken you to dinner, as well as ... Read more

Misery loves company and according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a researcher at the University of California, 40% of your capacity for happiness or contentment is dependent upon your ability to change.
You don't have to look far to meet truly miserable people,and question why they continue to live a life of misery.
Since most of us bounce back and forth ... Read more

1. Britt's makeup

Where does this girl get her makeup that she can cry that much and still look that annoyingly good?

David Moir/ABC

2. Carly is kind of mean!

Carly was one of my favorites, but she kind of came off as a bully on the Women Tell All. Don't get me wrong ... I still think she's hilarious.

Richard Carlson/ABC

3. Britt still seems like she's lying.

There's something about her … that's just not trustworthy. The fact that she's an actress doesn't help. She seems to be a really good one. Also, her tears stop too immediately to be real.

David Moir/ABC

4. Kelsey is still the worst.

She still can't comprehend why she sucks. I thought that she would actually come off as a real human being on the live show, but she still came off as an a*shole. I guess even editing can't be to blame for Kelsey.

David Moir/ABC

5. Juelia shut Kelsey down.

... And it was perfection. We didn't hear from her really all season and she killed it on the reunion.

Rick Rowell/ABC

6. Ashley I. is also kind of awesome.

She literally does not care what anyone thinks about her, and while she seemed catty on the show, it takes a lot to say exactly how you feel.

David Moir/ABC

7. Ashley S. is super weird IRL.

She's kind of hilarious though. Apparently she now grows onions … in Brooklyn.

David Moir/ABC

8. Ashley S. on Bachelor in Paradise!

Please God, let this happen … immediately.

David Moir/ABC

9. Kaitlyn had no jokes.

For the first time … Kaitlyn had nothing snarky to say. That interview pretty much solidified her for the next Bachelorette.

David Moir/ABC

10. Chris made it through a sentence!

For the first time all season…

David Moir/ABC

11. Chris' laugh sounds like a dolphin.

We knew it was annoying, but now we know Chris' doppelgänger.

David Moir/ABC

Where does this girl get her makeup that she can cry that much and still look that annoyingly good?