Four Excuses That Hold Us Back

You do have time and who cares about what people will think.

This past Shabbos, I bumped into a non-Jewish friend on the sidewalk. Anxious about what was happening with the three Israeli boys who had been kidnapped, I rushed over to her. “Did you hear anything about the boys who were kidnapped in Israel? “ I asked her, my voice breaking.

“Oh my God, are you related to them?” she asked looking into my fear-filled eyes.

I was about to shake my head, but then I found myself answering, “Yes, they’re family. Did you hear anything on the news? Are they okay?”

The next day, one of my daughters was graduating from eighth grade. At the graduation, a rabbi stood up to say a prayer for the boys, and I started to cry. I was so embarrassed. Get a hold of yourself, I told myself. Don’t do this now at your daughter’s graduation.

But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t imagine the pain of the boys’ parents, but I knew what it felt like to be a Jewish mother. To have your heart break when your child is hurt in any way. To feel like a part of you is always walking around in the world, vulnerable and precious and without your protection.

And then I realized I was using one of my excuses: What will people think? I wanted to cry. I wanted to pray with all my heart for their safe return. I thought about my words to my neighbor on Shabbos: Yes, they’re family. Wouldn’t I cry if they were my family? Why should I be embarrassed?

I thought about all the times that I make excuses for not being true to myself and my feelings. So for a moment, I took all my excuses and pushed them aside. It didn’t matter what other people would think. This was the time, right now, to pray, to cry. It was the time to believe that it is never too late to become the kind of person I am meant to be.

Here are four primary excuses that hold me back. See if you find yourself in any of them.

1. I don’t have time. This is an excuse that I often say out loud. And when I say it, I mean it. It’s true. There are only 24 hours in a day, and it’s challenging to find the time to begin anything new. It’s just hard to take that step back from all the urgent, busy tasks that fill our days and carve out some space to grow. But even though I may not have an hour, I can find five minutes here. I can grab another ten minutes there. Before I go to sleep, I can find another 15 minutes. And the cumulative power of those minutes can change my entire day. There is always a bit more time if you want it badly enough.

2. I’m not ready. How many times have I told myself that if I had just a little more knowledge, more experience, more resources I’d be ready to give it a try? I just need another degree. Some more confidence. A little more experience. A class in public speaking. A guarantee that I won’t fail. This excuse makes sure I’ll never even begin. Because while I’m not ready, thousands of people with less education, less money and maybe even less experience, are trying anyway. As James Baldwin once said, “Those who say it can’t be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.”

3. What will other people say? Change is hard enough when we are struggling with ourselves. When we are also looking around us and over our shoulders to see if others approve of us, we waste precious time and energy. We all eventually learn that it’s impossible to please all people all of the time. And it’s usually impossible to please all people even some of time. You don’t need someone else’s approval to follow your dreams. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to search for meaning. Often authentic change only comes after we have stopped looking over our shoulders and resolved to be true to ourselves.

4. It’s too late. It’s too late for me to make major changes. I’m already married with children. I have a mortgage and a set plan for the next ten years. Or I’m already set in my firm. It’s too late now to change paths. I already chose my major, began my profession, chose my friends. It’s too late to change anything now. This excuse can start after our sophomore year of college, when we’re stuck in a major that makes us miserable, and we are too scared to start again. And the excuse will continue unless we face this incredible truth: it’s never too late. Your life is never set in stone. You can always begin again. Change your life so that you are excited to wake up in the morning and live. “If not now, when?”

This is the time. Right now. To pray. To cry. And to believe that it is never too late. We need to know that in the deepest recesses of our heart, now more than ever, it is never too late for any of us.

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About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Lidia,
June 26, 2014 3:05 PM

absolutely true for me too

Thank you for this article. You said it all, and I am getting energized just writing to you-. May we all have good news soon, when our boys are home safe and all the parents can hug their children and thank H.

(4)
Esther,
June 23, 2014 2:43 PM

the article was right on the money

The article was right on the money and no sooner did I read this article that I'd printed (I'd first logged off the computer to ensure I would not continue surfing around and waste more time) I came right back on to type this comment. Resolution to not waste time broken within minutes. It's so hard to break old habits, I'm particularly guilty of the fourth excuse: "It's too late." But Ms. Radcliffe is so right. It is never too late. Maybe I needed to come back here and type this to more deeply engrave this in my stubbornly resistant gray matter, and get on with what I need to do, not just with what I want to do. And to read Sara Yoheved Rigler's article whose link is glaring at me to the right of where I'm typing. I pray reading it will help me improve and not just give me an excuse to keep reading about what I need to do to improve. Like an old ad for( I don't know was it Nike?) some product said: Just do it.

(3)
Oscar Abraham,
June 22, 2014 11:32 PM

When are you ready?

I found over the years that a person is never ready to do something for the first time no matter how much he/she prepares. So follow the example of Nachshon and get in to it up to your neck. Hashem will help you the rest of the way.

(2)
bvw,
June 22, 2014 5:56 PM

Thanks for the short list of good advices.

Thanks, and I'm sure that these four advices are stated in David's Psalms, in Solomon's Proverb, in the Prophets and even in the Torah itself in various ways and relightings. Say for example: in the beginning of Joshua "Be strong and of good courage" -- in reply to "I'm not ready".

(1)
marilyn,
June 22, 2014 3:59 PM

Encouraging

Thank you for this article. It enforces what I already know but forget to do. Be myself. And, yes, I too pray and cry for those children.

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I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...