"I am the vine; you are the branches…" John 15:5

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Heart

God has been dealing with me in my heart of hearts. I share this not to brag, or say “Look at me, how holy am I?” I am not holy, I am imperfect. I am a sinner and struggle daily dying to myself. Some days are better then others, and sometimes my old self rears its ugly head and I wonder how God could possibly love me. When that happens I know and can trust that I am saved, washed by the blood and can come to my Father for forgiveness. Knowing that He will indeed forgive me, He won’t see my past ugly stains of sin, but His Son’s blood.

Why am I sharing this? God is bringing me to a new place in Him. It is exciting yet daunting as well. Have you ever felt that way before? You aren’t alone, just look in the Bible. You won’t have to look far; Abraham lied about Sarah because he was too scared to trust God. Moses needed Aaron to hold up his hands. Jonah spent time in the belly of a large fish because he was too scared to go to Nineveh. I have said all this to say God is bringing me to a new place to trust in Him with everything. That doesn’t sound too difficult does it? Trust Him with the health of my children, the safety of my family. Our finances, my dreams, and everything else in between. He has shown Himself in mighty ways to us. Getting me through the loss of my mother, the loss of a pregnancy and helping us sell our house in an impossible market.

What has brought this thinking around? God has been speaking to me about our finances; how to use the money that He has provided for us. He has shown me to also give away what He has given me, and save other things. He is also telling me to research His word about what He says about things. I want to be the woman in Proverbs 31. I have been asking God to show me how to be her, and He is answering.

The biggest thing (at least to me) has been my children, and not just the two that I have, but all the future children He may bless me with. It has been a humbling experience to say the least. When Dan and I were first married I was terrified of having kids, I felt like a child still myself. So when we got engaged I went on birth control, because my family tends to be a fertile family. My dad is 1 of 13, and then on my mom’s side my great- great-grandfather fathered 16 of his 18 kids. Now so that you aren’t scandalized his 1st wife passed away and he re-married his 2nd wife, whom was a widow and had 2 children from her first marriage. This is the history as it has been told to me. Needless to say I was scared that I’d get pregnant right away. Well a year after marriage and 1 missed pill later I was pregnant. I was happier than I ever thought possible! After Vivian I got an IUD because again I wasn’t ready for another child. Thankfully God spoke to me and I started researching. To my dismay I found that even on birth control I could become pregnant, but the medicine would cause me to miscarry without my knowledge. It would seem as a late cycle or just a really bad one. I made an appointment right away and had the IUD removed. I told Dan we would just have to figure something else out.

Now, I know that I am anti-medicine on a lot of things, but to clarify I appreciate doctors and modern medicine. I just believe that God has given us a brain, for study, and has called us to trust. Doctors are human just like us and they make mistakes sometimes, that doesn’t make them bad, just human. I have said all the above to say this, I feel like God is telling me to trust Him with our family planning. God says in His word that children are a blessing. I have yet to find a place that says we care to try to control the amount of blessings we have. I for one do not want to tell God no if He offers me a blessing, be it a child or something else. So please pray for myself and my husband. I believe God is asking us to embark on a new journey with Him. And thank you for reading my rambling; I hope that He uses it to speak to you as well.

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Just to clarify, I don’t have anything against people that use birth control, and I don’t judge them. That is between them and God. I am sharing what God spoke to my heart that He wants me to do. He has been calling me to trust Him with my ENTIRE life, but this is something that I have been fighting for a while, because I’ve been afraid I might have 20 kids. It is a huge thing for me to say ok You take over. The human in me says “yeah, I like watching the shows of people that have a lot of children…but I could never do that. I don’t want to do that.” I think for me it isn’t really about children or their timing. It really is about giving God control over my entire life. I think that if I told God that I feel truely blessed with the children I have now, and I don’t need anymore. I’m fine with what I have, that He would be ok with that also. It is my heart that is the center of the issue. I use birth control, not because I am ok with how many kids I have. I do want more in the future, but that I am afraid to be blessed with more than what I want, and not when I want it. See the picture? It’s all I…I…I… and it’s really about Him. I’m also not going to stop using birth control immediately, because I know that God is still working on my husband. When I felt called to be a stay at home mom, I didn’t run out and quit my job. I prayed long and hard about it, I finally came to the place that I said “Ok God, I’ll do this thing, but you need to speak to Dan, because I can’t do against him. You told me that I must be submissive to him in Your word” It took several months, before Dan had gained enough peace that he was ok with me staying home. So please don’t take it that I’m just going to stop without my husband being 100% on board. I can see God working in his heart, and I know that just by being willing to be obedient to God, that even though we may continue for now trying to prevent a pregnancy, that God will honor that.