When threat and fear accompany a life from the start, every forceful approach, even every approach by others to come close inherits danger. The danger to lose oneself, to lose life. To vanish, extinguished by power. This once was a natural reaction to people who gave you life, let you exist, then mistreated or abandoned you. Their feelings towards you decided about your survival, total dependency. If that was abused, how could you ever recover? How can 'love' be anything but hostile invasion?

In the poem "Endymion" there is a line that seems to tell my present fear of life: Pass into nothingness.Quintana Roo Dunne (1966 - 2006), Diary March 7, 1984

Did I prefer not to hear what she was actually saying?Did it frighten me?I try the passage again, this time reading for meaning.What she said: My present fear of lifeWhat she said: Pass into nothingness.Joan Didion, Blue Nights 2011