Institution: An established organization or foundation, especially one dedicated to education, public service, or culture.

Not bad in theory, but becomes a problem when the desires of the institution become primary to the needs people it is there to serve.

Then it is time to do something instead...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A journey to compassion and connection

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate AdvocacyThis post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they advocate for healthy, gentle parenting choices compassionately. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Never having been much for confrontation, "compassionate" advocacy has generally been my default. However, the place from where that "compassion" comes has changed through the years. In the beginning of my parenting journey I often thought that those who chose differently than I did were simply ignorant. They didn't understand how important it was to breastfeed, or how wonderful it was to wake up next to a sleeping toddler, or the research on punishments and rewards. My advocacy would often take the form of sharing information, sometimes (often?) in excess of what the other person would want.

As part of my training to become a La Leche League Leader I had to participate in something called a bias exercise. It is exactly what it sounds like - the Leader Applicant (Leader in training) has to think of choices that mothers may make with regards to breastfeeding that they would have a bias against and then work through their own issues to help these imaginary mothers. Depending on the Leader Applicant's pet issues this may have something to do with sleep training, early weaning, extended separation or something else entirely. I dutifully completed the exercise, but it wasn't until I starting working with many mothers, in many situations that I slowly began to understand the complexities that go into making parenting decisions.

During this time I also began to study non-violent communication which holds as one of its guiding principles the awareness of, and eventually the avoidance of judgments. NVC also teaches that all actions are simply strategies to meet needs and that while we all have the same basic needs at any given point in time some needs take priority over others. Finally I had a frame in which choices that were different from mine made sense. For whatever reason my logic obsessed brain found it much easier to extend true compassion when I had understanding.

I feel very fortunate that I was able to make that leap because it is a connection that I seek to make on a nearly daily basis. Currently I am working as an IBCLC in a local hospital. I also teach hospital based childbirth education, breastfeeding, and newborn care classes. I forget how far out of the "mainstream" our choices are until I am interacting in these settings and then I remember that the vast majority of peple make very different choices for their families than we do for ours. However, I also feel excited about the opportunity to advocate for a different way of understanding our relationship with children.

I do still share information. In classes I mention the precipitous decline in circumcision rates, the physiological instability that comes from separating mothers and newborns, and the difficulties that can arise when we introduce labor and birth interventions. To new families I caution that the first two weeks are critical for establishing long term milk supply and that babies who are not feeding well at the breast may further struggle after getting a bottle. However, especially once that baby arrives, I ask more questions than offer lectures. I listen to feelings and their underlying needs and seek to help parents to get those needs met.

When breastfeeding feels scary or overwhelming or is painful and stressful there is no benefit in telling mom that it isn't or that it shouldn't be or that it won't be. Either she dismisses me or she doubts herself, neither of which allows me to be much of an advocate for anybody or anything. Instead we talk about those experiences that are common, how well she knows her baby and herself, and how she is her baby's whole world. We talk about her goals, her concerns, her challenges. I offer resources and options - but more than anything else support.

The more I consider this whole attachment parenting thing the more I realize it isn't about a set of behaviors that parents engage in, but instead it is about connection. Connection flourishes in a state of trust and while many of the things we advocate through AP practices promote trust, they are not the only things that can build trust. When I attempt to demonstrate that I trust other parents and show them how much their infant trusts them and that they are deserving of that trust I believe that that groundwork does more to extend compassion than beating someone over the head with the benefits of breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong, in my perfect fantasy world all babies would thrive on mama's milk. But whether that baby is nursed for three years or receives formula at three hours, if this circle of compassion, trust, and connection can continue to flourish that is what I truly believe will benefit parents and children and ultimately all of us.

***Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

From the Heart — Patti at Jazzy Mama searches her heart for an appropriate response when she learns that someone she respects wants his baby to cry-it-out.

I Offer the Truth — Amy at Innate Wholeness shares the hard truths to inspire parents in making changes and fully appreciating the parenting experience.

Advocating or Just Opinionated? — Momma Jorje discusses how to draw the line between advocating compassionately and being just plain opinionated. It can be quite a fine line.

Compassionate Advocacy — Mamapoekie of Authentic Parenting writes about how to discuss topics you are passionate about with people who don't share your views.

Heiny Helpers: Sharing Cloth Love — Heiny Helpers is guest posting on Natural Parents Network to share how they are providing cloth diapers and cloth diapering support to low income families.

Struggling with Advocacy — April of McApril still struggles to determine how strongly she should advocate for her causes, but still loves to show her love for her parenting choices to those who would like to listen.

A Letter to *Those* Parents — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares how to write an informed yet respectful reply to those parents — you know, the ones who don't parent the way you do.

Why I Am Not A Homebirth Advocate — Olivia at Write About Birth is coming out: she is a homebirth mom, but not a homebirth advocate. One size does not fit all – but choice is something we can all advocate for!

Why I Open My Big Mouth — Wolfmother from Fabulous Mama Chronicles reflects on why she is passionate about sharing parenting resources.

Watching and Wearing — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life advocates the joys of babywearing simply by living life in a small college town.

Just Be; Just Do. — Amy at Anktangle believes strongly about her parenting methods, and also that the way to get people to take notice is to simply live her life and parent the best she knows how.

One Parent at a Time... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that advocating for Natural Parenting is best accomplished by walking the walk.

Self-compassion — We're great at caring for and supporting others —from our kiddos to other mamas — but Lisa at Gems of Delight shares a post about treating ourselves with that same sense of compassion.

Natural Love Creates Natural Happiness — A picture is worth a thousand words, but how about a smile, or a giggle, or a gaze? Jessica at Cloth Diapering Mama’s kids are extremely social and their natural happiness is very obvious.

10 comments:

Great post! I completely know what you mean, I'm a CLC (working towards becoming an IBCLC) and it's really hard to put my biases aside and focus on what the mother needs for her situation, but ultimately, that's what she is going to take from me, not all of my fabulous research :P It's really hard to do, but looking past myself and only focusing on offering support is much more beneficial.

Your description of bias training sounds so interesting - I'd love to take part in an exercise like that (and if you ever wanted to lead a session through Natural Parents Network, let me know!). Thank you for sharing, Jessica!

I love this. I know how hard it can be for me to set aside my parenting differences at times. I imagine you have a very gentle, calm spirit about yourself. I'm sure you are making a huge difference in your community,

Great CarNatPar post! I've been exploring NVC and connection myself recently. I love your idea that AP isn't about a set of behaviors that parents engage in, but instead it is about connection. So, true! I hear people all the time talk about how they couldn't be AP because they couldn't do .... Advocating with compassion, like you do, will bring changes to these parents and babies throughout their lives. Guiding them to connection to self and to one another is the real attachment we're all going for, no matter how we get there.

I bet it's so hard to be a professional, working with such a range of parents — even harder than being a parent interacting with a smaller set of other parents. I really appreciate your perspective, and the wisdom that's come from your bias training in action. I think that's good advice for all of us — to meet people where they are rather than rejecting them for doing what we disagree with. And I'm glad you're finding ways to inject your natural point of view into your work!

Julisuz - What I try to picture is one of "those" lactation consultants. You know the type they parody on Law and Order? And my goal is to do nothing to contribute to that stereotype. I also attempt to let go of any investment in the outcome. Like you said, it isn't about me, I'm just playing a *supporting* role.

Dionna - The exercise is actually really simple and is usually done as a dialog. Sometimes with your local sponsoring leaders, sometimes with your corresponding leader and sometimes both. To do it online I think it would be fun in pairs or small groups so that folks could really go back and forth with their thoughts.

Darcel - My children would probably burst out laughing at that though :-D. Actually I do find it to be much easier to be gentle and calm with those outside of my family. Within my family I find that I continue to struggle with expectations and personal investment (and I'm not sure that those are things that you actually can let go of in a family, but I'm determined to gain more balance at least). When I was younger I would frequently be described as intimidating because I wasn't afraid to put my own opinion out there and I would state it as fact - even when I was willing to consider it critically and change my mind. With time and experience I've learned to become more nuanced in my approach - plus actually haven an acknowledged goal of limiting judgement (which was absolutely not something I had considered prior to NVC) - I think (hope?) has made me more approachable.

Zoie - I'm sure I originally stole the whole AP=connection from someplace or many places, my a often rediscover it for myself. Wouldn't we all benefit by being able to truly connect with our authentic selves?

Kelly - Thank you. That is so sweet :). I hope that you were able to get what you needed from your LC. I am sad when folks need support that they don't get. When I was born of course there was no such thing as a lactation consultant (though Jan Riordan http://www.janriordan.net/ is from my home town - how cool is that?!) and being her first my mom was really struggling with breastfeeding in those first days after birth. As the story goes she was getting ready to throw in the towel when a woman who had recently immigrated from Mexico came in to clean her room and saw my mom and me in tears and showed her how to get that whole breastfeeding thing started. That's compassion.

Lauren - it is hard and it isn't. The hard part is the internal conflict that I always manage to drum up about everything when I can hear the "other side" arguing that "I should be advocating for the baby", "we do know that there are actual documented risks to formula", "we have research that shows that one bottle changes the gut forever", and so on. There are multiple ways of looking at advocacy and I have ultimately decided that there is a place for all of them. While I chose this path because it is a best fit for my values others will do other things and I believe that they all contribute to the whole. And I just hope that if a universal plan exists the "right" people are at the "right" places at the "right" times. Or so I tell myself when I'm feeling conflicted ;-)

About Me

I am mother to six wonderful kids and wife to one wonderful husband. Together we have embarked on a life journey that has taken us outside of many of the traditional cultural institutions. Some of these choices have included home/unschooling, home birthing, and "attachment parenting". Regardless of the labels, our hope is to follow the needs of our family and to enjoy the journey of life. Please be gentle with regards to spelling/ grammatical errors that I may post. I am often trying to write while nursing a baby, mediating a disagreement, and answering a question simultaneously. I make every effort to proof-read, but sometimes it is all I can do to get the entire thought on "paper" :).