Saturday, February 23, 2008

I screwed this life up. I want a new one. Pack my bags, run away to some quaint little town where no one knows me and start all over. I can tell them lies. Tell them my name is Penelope or Ruth of Beatrice. I could tell them I used to be a librarian or a ballet dancer. I could be anything I want to be. I could tell them the truth or I could lie. I could tell them I had 12 brothers and sisters. Not that in particular but what matters is I could tell them and it would become me. I could be anyone. Leave everything I didn't want and take all the things I did. I wouldn't mess it up. I'd make it a good one. I have nothing here. Nothing to lose at all. All these people would eventually stop searching. Their ignorance would be every one's bliss. I'd want to be Shawn. I think it should have been my name. Emily means industrious. I am not. I'd be Shawn, the kind musician from Nebraska. I'd be a better me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

In high school, everyone tells you that your life will begin in college. Why not now? They've got me so fooled. My life is here, now, at this moment. What am I waiting for? I can't seem to wait for something but the life I will have has started. It's all around me and filling me up. It's happening and I am sitting her cherishing a day of no school on account of extreme cold? There is so much in this world that I want. I'm so afraid I'll never have enough time and even if I did, there are things in the world I will never know, never be. Why am I sitting here wasting away like every average person. All my life I have been average and maybe that's not bad. But everything on the inside of me, is not average. Not one bit. I am a freak and I want the whole world to see it because I don't want to be safe anymore. I don't want to hide or sit back and wait for something that may never come. I will be the world. Not someday, not tomorrow, but now. Now and always.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Everyone says the truth sets you free.Free from what?Even in America we aren't truly free.Sometimes, lies are the only thing that we have to keep us from losing it.Seems to me that the truth is overrated.And besides, does anyone know what real freedom is anyways?

Friday, February 15, 2008

I hate having so many secrets. It's tough when you are sitting around sharing your life with your friends and you have too many terrible secrets that you are just accustomed to it. Sometimes, I hold my secrets in for so long that when I let one slip, people are so shocked. And the fact that I tell them to people I don't really care about doesn't help. When you grow up with so many lies and so many things swept under the rug, it becomes a part of you. When I tell my secrets, there is no weight lifted or huge miraculous thing. I could care less. The real secrets I have will never be told. No one would ever be able to understand them. That's okay because when I feel obligated to share a secret equally as dark as one that has been shared with me, I have no trouble. The secrets I don't care if people know are dark, yes. But the secrets I keep to myself, the ones that have no start, no end, no story, nothing understandable, are the ones that will inevitably lead to my destruction. I wish my secrets could change my life but they can't.

I still love himI miss my brother and I wish he would run farther awayI know that my friends are ready to leave me at any momentI hate wearing socks but I've racked up hundreds on buying themI'm the only one who knows about his affairI've never been first at anything in my lifeI'm scared a lot but I make everyone think I don't careI cry all the timeI've planned my own death on many occasions, but I've always been too scaredI hate being nice when I fall in the shadowI am not happy, and I never wasI feel like we are just in another fight and that you'll come back soonI hate that nasty lotion you gave meThe only people that love me, see me once a yearI hate who I am and who I am becomingI closed my eyes and I pretended it was youI can't stop myself from lying

All those nasty secrets eat at me but I could care less. Telling them won't save me. Friends won't and family won't. I laugh when I write this because I may seem like one of the most unhappy, emotional, depressed, suicdal people on the planet. I'm not. If I have all the secrets and I lie all the time, I have to be able to see the truth in others and in the world. If your fucked up like me, you see shit like that. I don't think that's so fucked up.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

This is something I have been putting off for a long time. Something I should have said more often even when things hadn't changed. I am sad about what happened. You were my sister. I should have accepted our odd friendship because sisters aren't always nice and they don't always do the right thing. You didn't treat me how I deserved but I let that fact get in the way of everything. I still remember that one time when we snuck out and you thought you lost your phone and you slipped and fell on the ice. You threw the toilet paper down and started crying and cussing. I tried to reassure you but it was so funny and it took everything in me to not laugh louder. And I remember when we were really little and we used to sit outside in those lounge chairs in the summer and play truth or dare with everyone. Remember all those sleepovers where we'd laugh at the dumb people on the internet? And remember when I told you that I pretty much loved you? Then there was the time with the ramen noodles and your mom was on her way. It's kind of blurry. It wasn't even that long ago. The begining was. Fourth grade. Now that is a long time. I can be a jealous person when someone really matters. No one mattered like you. You started to become someone I didn't even know. And all those friends. They weren't like you. You wanted a different start and you became one of them. To all the secrets we told and to all the ones we didn't. To every apologetic hour and every step away from your house taken with pride. I'm sorry. Because of what you were to me, because you meant so much, I will miss you. I will always love you. Maybe we can't go back but the past always stays with us. Don't ever forget. Even the bad parts. Remember those so you can remember how good everything else was.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Just saying hello. I have more thoughts to spill unto you. Everyone is always talking about dying these days. Everyone sees it so final and terrible and maybe it is. And, the fact of the matter is there is a lot of death in the world today. It can be quite sad. Death is sad. But what makes me mad is the fact everyone takes so much time to tell someone they'd die for them. Sometimes, it doesn't even take a person that long to say it. I know I've said it. I used to think it meant a certain thing. I thought it meant you'd do anything for someone. It kind of does. But, maybe I knew what I was saying all along. For someone like me, who has seen death, faced it, and me, who has seen many terrible things and heard many sad stories, for me, I see everything from a different point of veiw. To me, death is easy. An escape. Death is how to run away because life is different. Life is so much harder than death. To say we would die for someone is so easy because we may mean it, but it in it's directed use, is meaningless. In life, there are things worse than death. There is death a thousand times over when you live. There are many things I would die for. More than the average person. But me, there is only one thing I would live for. And it's you. I am alive now, because I haven't yet felt the need to die for a purpose. I had my purpose to live and being so alive scared me and I let it slip. I think what I have been meaning to say, after all this time, is that I'm sorry. I know it wasn't you. I'm sorry and I'm so sorry and I will be forever. I am asking what I have been hoping for. I am asking for you. For my second chance. A big chance. Maybe not to start over but to fix things. A second chance to have a real reason to go through all this everyday. Until then, only my endless and pathetic hope will keep me here. And the fact that I have surrounded myself with the most amazing people in the world. I may slip up here and there and be with people not so amazing, but those people that stick with me, who've been there, will keep me until I find what I am looking for.