Judgmental Fiancé

He’s wonderful and caring but he has a hard time seeing that there are other valid perspectives.

I'm engaged to a wonderful, compassionate man who at times can be judgmental. He feels that his perspective – what his life experience tells him is the norm – is, in fact, the only norm. It’s hard for him to see that there are other valid ways to “be”.

I grew up in a much more chilled out environment than he did. From time to time, we’ll have a disagreement because we have different perspectives on an issue. I’m concerned that this will become a source of future conflict between us.

Usually, my fiancé takes our differences in stride, but sometimes when the difference affects him, he will point out that my life or my family is unconventional – we don’t “fit the norm.”

I feel that we both respect each other, and he treats me well and cares about me. I don’t want to lose him. I’ve tried to be quiet about the fact that sometimes I feel hurt when my fiancé sees my family and sometimes my point of view as not normative. It makes me worry that this will become even more of an issue down the road.

I’d really appreciate your advice about how to deal with this.

Sandy

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Sandy,

Thank you for writing to us about an important issue. We’re glad that you have the courage to voice your concerns about it now, when you’re beginning to realize that the different ways you were brought up and the different perspectives each of you has about certain aspects of life may become an ongoing source of conflict. You could have pushed aside your concerns, hoping that after your marriage your new husband will stop commenting about your family’s unconventionality, or the comments will bother you less, or you’ll find a way to accept your differences without getting into arguments. We call this magical thinking – a hope that something that’s very unlikely will happen.

It’s more likely that, left alone, this issue won’t work itself out. We hope that our suggestions will help you and your fiancé find a healthy way to deal with the differences now.

What’s happening between you and your fiancé isn’t uncommon. Many husbands and wives can point out significant differences in the way their families dealt with finances, handled disagreements, expressed their affection for each other, divided up responsibilities, disciplining children, and the like. Families often have dissimilar views on education, politics, expectations for their children, planning for the future, and ways of expressing their spirituality.

The couple may have begun their engagement feeling they shared many essential values and goals (which is an important part of the foundation for an enduring marriage), and believed that their expectations and ways of dealing with what life has to offer would fall neatly into place most of the time. But then the differences start coming up. No matter how well they thought they knew each other before they decided to get engaged, there is no way they could anticipate or discuss the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle differences between them.

It’s difficult to be married to someone who has a hard time accepting other people’s ideas that are different than his own.

One of the most challenging aspects of learning to be a married couple is figuring out what to do about these differences. If both partners feel their own way is “right” or “better” or “more normal”, they will find themselves locked in perpetual conflict. Hopefully, in time they realize that an important part of building a life together is learning how to give and take for the sake of their marriage and each other, sometimes agreeing to follow one person’s preferences, sometimes the other’s, and sometimes finding a middle path. That isn’t always easy to do.

It’s difficult to be married to someone who has a hard time accepting other people’s ideas that are different than his own and thinks he always has to be right. As far as he’s concerned, you’re always “wrong” or you always have to “lose.” Some people with these attitudes are able to change when they participate in a marriage education program, learn the importance of give and take, and develop skills that can help them and their partner communicate better and compromise. With effort, they’re able to become more flexible and open minded. Unfortunately, some people are not willing to learn the art of give and take and won’t change.

Where does your fiancé fit into this picture? Does he find it hard to compromise because he believes his way is right and yours isn’t? Does he ever find your different perspective refreshing? Is he often okay with your doing things your own way? Is he young, with limited life experience, so he hasn’t matured enough to see that what he’s accustomed to isn’t the only path to family harmony, happiness, intellectual fulfillment, economic well-being, etc? Does he feel a strong need to conform to what he feels is the “norm”? Can he accept your supposed ‘non-conformity’? Does he listen and try to understand what you have to say, even though he ultimately disagrees with you? When he tells you that your perspective or what your family does is not the “norm”, does he mean that “this isn’t what most people do and I find it a little odd” or does he mean “this isn’t normal?”

After you’ve given some thought to these questions, think about what you’d like your fiancé to do differently. Would you like him to be open to the idea that what seems unconventional to him may still be worthwhile and may be suitable for someone with different life experiences? Is it important to you that he shows respect for your different ideas or ways of doing things, even if he thinks it’s unusual or not what he’d choose? If he feels his way is the “right” way and every other way is wrong, is he willing to learn ideas and skills about compromise and give and take?

Once you have clarity, you can speak to your fiancé about what’s bothering you. It’s important to remember to use “I” statements, that focus on your feelings and thoughts, rather than sounding critical of him. You can begin by telling him what a good, compassionate, loving man he is and how much you value your relationship. You can then explain that you’ve been concerned about something and feel it’s important to talk about it now so that it doesn’t become a source of arguments in the future. Then identify the issue, give an actual example of what happens, explain how it affects your feelings and thoughts, and state what you’d like to do about it.

You might say something like, “I know that are families are very different, and because of our different life experiences we sometimes have different perspectives about situations. But it hurts me when you say that my ideas or my family’s way are not ‘the norm.’ It makes me feel that you’re saying it’s wrong to be different. That makes me feel defensive, and we end up arguing over something instead of talking things through. I know you don’t want to hurt my feelings, and neither of us wants to argue a lot. I have some ideas about what we could do differently, and I’d like us to talk about them. I really appreciate your listening and being open to our finding new ways we can relate to each other.”

Talking things out this way improves your communication and problem solving skills and can help you understand each other better. We hope that our answer has clarified your dilemma, and the two of you can look forward to a wonderful and happy marriage. All the best,

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 7

(5)
Anonymous,
April 25, 2014 6:37 PM

Been there

I ended a relationship for this exact reason. If I had not, anything I accomplished would have been diminished in his eyes. We both have PhDs, but somehow mine counted less. We both had successful careers, but mine was less important in his eyes. My house, my dog, my friends.... none were as appropriate, or worthy... in his eyes. He is married now.

His wife is very nice, but everything she does or has is now because of him. She left an amazing job to take a secondary position in his field that he found for her. If he was the CEO of a company, he would give her a job running the mail room.

I have a friend living in a similar situation. It is the only thing she regrets in her life.

I saw the handwriting on the wall. Despite all his many other charms and virtues, I am glad I did not marry the man.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2013 10:30 PM

same here

This story is similar to the one my daughter experienced.Things were discussed and viewpoints given for the short dating and engage,emt period,But once married it got worse where his was almost always the "correct"way-much criticism and my daughter tried to toe the line .They tried therapy but after a short while he felt it wasn't for him.He seemed immature and almost everything had to be his way.My daughter fought and begged him to go together for more counselling which he declined-he then moved out.After only a year and a half of married life they are on the way to the rabbanut

(3)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2013 1:37 AM

I went tru this and still do 23 yrs later. It didn't resolve on its own. Therapy did nothing. I just try to be positive. My family knew how to chill out.My kids hear soo much judgment. I just have to be better for all of us & take it in stride. Judgmental ppl don't know they can disappoint others.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 15, 2013 2:10 PM

Important

Wow. This is a super important topic. I know of a marriage destroyed because of this. Husband always belittling wife's opinion and insisting his way is the right way - day in day out about everything. On the other hand I know of a marriage where the husband is very strongly opinionated but respects the wife a great deal,and although the majority of things do go his way - they talk things through, and when she really feels strongly he listens... there is real communication and a wonderful relationship.Good Luck!!

(1)
Anonymous,
October 14, 2013 3:32 PM

Common Issues with Baal Teshuvas in relationships

An important article that's very much needed for many people, but especially so for some baalei teshuva coming back to authentic judaism. At times, those new to judaism confuse the idea of 'absolute truth' and struggle in relationships due to an inability to deal with disagreements in a healthy way. Often they have not figured out how to fully process the idea of a divine truth versus human intellect and seem to feel that every opinion of theirs or a rabbi they've been influenced by falls under the umbrella of divine truth or torah wisdom, even when they are not. Sadly, I know of older BT singles who have a habit of damaging otherwise healthy relationships when a disagrement arises and they insist on starting a religious fight, when in fact there is none. I realize that could be a personality disorder, but it really tears my heart when when I see otherwise honorable BTs lose their footing with this and cause hurt to those in their path who have a thought-out perspective on something unrelated to authentic Torah tradition.

DaVID,
October 17, 2013 4:41 PM

Common Issues with Baal Teshuvas in relationships

I find it ironic (and hurtful) that Anonymous uses an article on tolerance to bash Baalei Teshuva in a public forum. Tolerance cuts both ways in a marriage. In my case my Ex did not want to conform to my minhagim because I was BT and her way was thus superior and correct. Correct behaviour is not contingent on ones upbringing but on ones character.

Anonymous,
November 7, 2013 3:58 PM

Agreed

I have never thought about that dynamic of rabbinic opinions, divine truth, and human intellect. You've articulated a stage I didn't even know existed, and made me realize I am, after nearly 10 years of being a BT, still in the midst of it. It was never a problem until I entered this serious relationship, but your words, no doubt, will help me grow in middos, yiddishkeit, and relationships. Thank you.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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