Stories from the second cubicle on the left

Day #736

9:43 AM: Phyllis gave a hearty laugh and told Carson Kressley, “Ha! I’m on a website and at the bottom, it says, ‘How was your website experience?'” After Carson Kressley stared at her for a moment, she followed up with, “But they’ve got these funny little emojis on the bottom. It’s got the straight line for the mouth and the squiggly line and the angry face.”

She pronounced the word ” emoji” correctly, so that’s a win in my book.

11:10 AM: Grace and I have a monthly meeting with Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin. Last month, he asked her to research some details about an upcoming event. Today, this happened…

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Any other things we need to discuss?

Grace: Well, last month, you mentioned that one [NAME] event.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Yes, I did.

Grace: And I can’t quite remember what it was that you said, but I think it was “don’t worry about it.”

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: No, it was not “don’t worry about it.” Let me see what I have in my notes…

He then went on to remind her what he told her to do. She takes notes throughout every meeting in these bound notebooks because she insists the best thing is to keep all your notes in one place. She uses the novelty kind that you give as a gift to someone. She’s currently taking notes in a book that has a quill on the cover and it says “Write Your Own Story,” but Grace can’t even remember the stories she wrote down the last time.

12:43 PM: Phyllis stood up and whispered my name over the cubicle wall. Well, she actually called me by Carson Kressley’s name, but that’s a different story…

Phyllis: Did you know that Gordon Ramsay asked to see the e-blasts we send out announcing our magazine?

Me: Yes I did.

Phyllis: He didn’t like it. He apparently didn’t know what we had been sending out and now that he saw it, he has all these changes.

Me: Ah, okay.

Phyllis: Well, the graphics girl made a new masthead for us to use in this email. I sent it to you. It just looks like a tombstone. It’s very boring.

Me: Okay, so you don’t like that it’s black and gray?

Phyllis: Right. Why didn’t she put some color in it?

Me: Well, maybe it’s because the cover of your magazine is black and gray. Maybe point out that there’s a blue accent inside the magazine? She could just use the same blue.

Phyllis: But this is just black and gray. Why wouldn’t she use the blue.

Me: She was probably trying to copy the actual logo on your magazine, which is just black.

Phyllis: Okay, maybe I’ll ask her to make it blue.

Oh, Phyllis, you sweet, midwestern pushover, just ask her to make the change. It’s an easy one. If Phyllis orders the chicken at a restaurant, but they bring her the porkchop, does she say anything? I don’t think so. If she goes to the bank and withdraws $100, but only gets $40 from the bank teller, does she say anything? Doubtful.

1:04 PM: Phyllis got a phone call…

Hi… Okay. Are you applying pressure? Are you elevating it?… That will decrease the flow… See what happens… Just put a lot of pressure on it and elevate it. Sit with your hand in the air. Sit with your elbow on the table and put pressure on it… Lo siento mucho.

Phyllis se habla Espanol?!?!

You can always go upstairs and get yourself a bandage or some gauze or something. Wrap it up. How long has it been bleeding?… Really? Well, the problem is, is it a serrated edge knife?… So you just need to wrap it with some gauze or something and just let it sit for a while… And you thought you would have a quiet week… You thought you wouldn’t be seeing the doctor, huh? Alright. I’m gonna go. Bye.

Phyllis already had her commuter shoes on, so she had no time for dilly dallying. Not even a bleeding family member can come between her and her afternoon walk.