"The Fruit And Vegetable War"
from Captain N #1

Novelized by Webster Swenson

It
stood in front of them, one of the many mysterious and masterful lands of Mount
Olympus, home world of Kid Icarus.

"There
it is, Captain N!" declared Kid Icarus as he and Kevin flew towards it.
"Straight ahead - Cornucopia, the fabled island of plenty. It's one of the
most beautiful, peaceful places in all of Mount Olympus!"

Kevin
grunted as he struggled to keep his leather and metal flight suit - not to
mention himself - in flight. "Glad to hear it, Kid Icarus. I just hope these
mechanical wings hold out till we get there." He grunted again as he
sputtered and twisted in the air. "I swear, this is the last time I fly
tourist class."

"Don't
worry, Kevinicus, I won't let my favorite hero down, heh heh!"

"Not
a good time to joke, Kid."

Fortunately,
the wings did hold out to the island, where a thought occurred to Kevin.

"So,
if this island is so peaceful, what are two heroes like us doing here?"

Kid
Icarus laughed and smiled: "It's simple. We're trying to raise an army to battle
the Legion of darkness, right? Well, an army travels on its stomach and
cornucopia has everything in the way of food."

As
Kid Icarus giggled and dreamed of what he was soon to eat, Kevin did another
unintended turn in the air. As he did, he noticed something flying through the
air towards them.

"Kid,
look behind you!" he yelled, trying to get a better view of the creatures
nearing them. "Are those some peaceful natives coming our way?"

Kid
Icarus turned and let out a yelp as he noticed their weapons. "Great Zeus!
Those are pear-odactyls. They're the air force around here!"

As
soon as he finished speaking, the pear-odactyls were opening fire. "Look
out! They're firing grape shot at us!"

But
it was too late: Kid Icarus was hit and falling. Kevin yelled as he noticed him
falling but resisted the urge to go after him and leave himself open for fire
he prepared his zapper. "Maybe if I fire a warning with the zapper, it'll
scare them off." Unfortunately the he didn't notice one of the pear-odactyls
coming up behind him. Before he realized it, he was falling towards the ground
and the unfriendly patch of sharp rocks accompanying it.

"Only
one chance... I've got to use the jump button on my power belt and make it to
that tree." With that said, he pushed the button and made a mid-air change
in direction, screaming as he flew through the air and into an apple tree.

"Now
I know how Isaac Newton felt. So far, this place is the pits." In the
midst of his bad joke, a group of fruity felons made their approach."

"Uh-oh.
Hi, guys," spoke Kevin in a nervous tone. "Peachy day, huh?"

"Speak,
stranger!" demanded a creature that greatly resembled Atilla of the Huns,
"Why do you block the path of Atilla, the Honeydew, General of the Armies
of Fruitopia?"

Kevin
wasn't sure whether to laugh or pee his pants in fear and so, with his best and
most reassuring smile, he responded: "Well, you see, I just kind of
dropped in. My name is Kevin Keene, but here in Videoland they call me Captain
N."

"Captain
N?" inquired the honeydew general, "I did not know. This is indeed an
honor. Even in this far corner of Videoland, we have hard of your heroic deeds.
You must have come here to help us!"

Kevin,
even more confused with this response to his jovial exposition, stuttered -
"Well, I..." - as Atilla told the great Captain N of his people's
woes.

"We
are at war with the pernicious produce of Vegetania. Last week, they raided
Fruitopia and took prisoner our beloved tomatoes. We have sworn to make salad
of them!"

"But
why," asked Kevin, "would they take the tomatoes?"

"They
insist that tomatoes are vegetables, and belong in Vegetania! Isn't that the
biggest crock of compost you've ever heard? I beg of you, will you help us
rescue our tomatoes, Captain N?"

Kevin
rubbed his chin and grinned. "I guess so. After all, that's what being a
hero is all about, right? Geez, I thought everybody knew that tomatoes are
fruit. Oh, well... on to Vegetania."

Meanwhile,
in Vegetania, Kid Icarus had been brought before King Pumpkin, leader of the
Vegetable driven country, on the accusation of being a spy."

"See
here now, Colonel Corn, what's all this rhubarb?"

"The
Rhubarb are all out on field maneuvers, sire. What we have here is a spy."

"I'm
so spy!" yelled Kid Icarus. "I was Kid-napped by two pear-odactyls.
But, while their stems were turned, I pulled out my bow and shot them with
arrows of affection. While the two of them were pear-ing off, I headed for the
ground to get my bearings. That's when these two prospective pickles jumped me!
And that's the truth, your ripeness."

"Release
him, you turnip-brains. Don't you realize this is Kid Icarus, first hero of
Mount Olympus?"

Kid
fell backwards in the air as he realized that he had missed that obvious point.
"Oh, yeah..."

Soon
thereafter King Pumpkin explained what had happened, from a more vegetable-like
view, of course, and Kid agreed, as Kevin had, to assist in the
situation."

"Aye
aye, sire! Always ready to do my part for justice!"

"That's
what I love about these young heroes, always so willing to fight."

As
Kid flew away, a voice called to the King. "Oh, your majesty--!"

The
pumpkin king jumped and turned to face a purpose vegetable, one of his
advisors. "Oh, it's you!"

"I
know that Captain N has joined with the fruits to oppose us. You must send Kid
Icarus into battle against him."

King
Pumpkin pondered his advisor's suggestion for a moment, then nodded. "Yes,
if Captain N has joined their fruit-less cause, Kid Icarus will surely fight
him!"

The
Eggplant Wizard chortled through his lips and teeth, grinning evilly as he
faces away from the King. "By the way, your ripeness, you should get yourself
a new toga. That old one is making you look rather seedy. Seedy, get it? Heh,
heh!"

Soon,
a battle brewed within the streets of Plentiopolis, home of the Cornucopian
farmers. Flames flew high into the air as it was apple against potato, eggplant
against grape, and banana against pineapple. From a distance, the leader of the
Fruitopians watched.

"How
goes the battle, Corporal Kiwi?"

"Not
to well, General. The enemy sunk two of our banana boats on the sea of
Ambrosia, we've run out of cherry bombs and our strawberries are in a
jam."

The
general pondered this for a moment as he watched the chaos through his
binoculars. "Never fear, our champion is on the attack. Look at him rout
those celery stalkers!"

"Keep
shooting, sir. Now, if you could just beat the beets."

"Gosh,
Lt. Lime," said Kevin with a sigh as he let out another shot, "I hope
I'm doing the right thing. I thought this was just another adventure, but we
sure are doing a lot of damage! Maybe I-"

Kevin
yelped as he jumped in the air in reaction one of Kid's arrows hitting his
bottom.

"Sorry,
Captain, but it's for your own good!"

Kevin
immediately felt the effects of the arrow he was hit with. "I'm itching
all over! Yow!"

"It's
because of my arrow of itchiness, Cap. It'll keep you busy until you come to
your senses. But don't worry, you're still my favorite hero."

"Kid!"
yelled Kevin as he jumped towards the flying child's form, grasping his foot,
"You're fighting on the wrong side!"

"But
I'm fighting to protect the poor tomatoes! They belong with the
vegetables!"

As
the fruits and vegetables began a battle of shouting, Kevin and Kid Icarus gave
thought to the new news.

"If,"
said Kevin, "that evil eggplant is behind this war, there must be a really
rotten reason."

"But...
why would he want everyone at each other's stem--?" Kid scratched his head, then it occurred to him.
"Unless..."

Back
in Fruitopia, in the treasure-filled Temple of Fruit, the evil Eggplant Wizard
strolled, admiring the golden creations as he neared his destination. "My
plan has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams! Here I am in the legendary Temple
of Fruit and there, in the statue's forehead, flows the fabled Royal Raspberry.
And the guards are all busy fighting in the war!"

He
cackled and began his climb up the giant statue containing the impressive gem.
"When Motherbrain sent me here to sabotage the food supply of Mount
Olympus, she never guessed I had plans of my own. Once the raspberry is mine,
I'll contract all fruits, just as I now control all vegetables. Today, the
veggies and fruits..." He gave out a grunt as he lifted himself further up
towards the giant jewel. "Tomorrow, trees, flowers, grass... even fungus!
Soon I'll dominate all plant life!"

As
his hand reached the gem he giggled evilly to himself. "Boy, wait'll the
yuppies see what I charge for a watercress sandwich!"

"Not
so fast, Eggplant Wizard!" yelled a voice that already had become so
familiar to the evil eggplant that it sent a chill up his internal structures.

"No,
not you, not now." He gritted his teeth. "Now when my plans are so
close to fru-it-shun."

Moments
later, Captain N and Kid Icarus had apprehended the abhorable appetizer and
were returning to the battle grounds of Plentiopolis, where it looked as if
they hadn't even been noticed as missing.

"Hold
your horse radishes!" shouted Kevin as he pulled the Eggplant Wizard
through a warp zone. "The war is over!"