SELF-HELPLESS: THE GREATEST
SELF-HELP BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER READ. Breakup Girl has no sympathy for
trite, lite self-help, and neither do parody authors Jon Bines (head writer
for the Associates, Breakup
Girl LIVE's sketch group!) and Gary Greenberg -- who point out that
the fact that self-help books are the most popular genre in publishing is
"amazing considering that nobody will ever admit to reading any of
them." Enjoy such titles as: Cats are From Saturn, Dogs are From
Pluto: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication with the Opposite Pet,
The Ruler: Time-Tested Secrets for Seeing Whether Mr. Right Will Measure
Up, and Martha Stewart Loving: Perfect Sex-- plus artwork by
our very own Chris!

KOSHER
SEX. Distinguished Rabbi Shmuley Boteach from Oxford -- also a 31-year-old
father of six -- was just in town promoting this new book. He is all for
a good time ("When you take off your clothes, your spouse should think
dirty thoughts"), as long as you're married ("no chuppa, no shtuppa").
(Oh, my.) At an appearance last week, an NYU doctoral candidate in psychology
named Benjamin Dattner -- who, apparently, was just dumped by a Rhodes scholar
who knew the rabbi -- told the NY Times, "As far as I know, my sex
life is completely kosher because it's nonexistent. I'm here to find out
how, when it becomes existent, I can insure it's kosher." Anyone know
him?

THE LIPSTICK: YOU KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN. Three Custom Color Specialists
have blended (copied) the Club Monaco shades of Glaze and Cherub shades
into a hybrid named Miss Monica after the lips that made it famous. $45
(Good lord.) 888-262-7714. Doesn't anyone want to know what Breakup Girl
wears?

OLIVE YOURSELF. In other very important beauty news, Rome-based
Cali Cosmetics has introduced a line of olive-oil-based beauty products
(lotion and cleanser), now available -- though almost sold out -- at Manganaro
Foods on 9th Avenue. Yum. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and that.

SMART QUILL. According to the New York Times, British Telecommunications
is developing a computerized pen that writes -- how old-fashioned! -- and
works as an electronic organizer and a text-recording device. Its motion
sensors will record hand movents; .to translate into digital text, users
will dip the pen into an electronic inkwell connected to a PC with Smart
Quill's translation software -- ie no keyboard! Okay, but can it bark?

"RESIDENTAL GATEWAY." In other very important geeky
news, the German company Siemes has come up with a technology that allows
phones to program a VCR, control the home thermostat and turn on the power
for coffee makers and other appliances. Thereby underscoring Breakup
Myth #6: "Now I'll get so much more exercise."

FINAL HOMECOMING. Given the age-old vamps-crash-prom conceit,
here's a life-imitates-art-imitates-undead tidbit: Fox Licensing and Merchandising
is offering a new line of prom dresses based on the homecoming gown worn
by vampire slayer Buffy Summers. The "drop-dead" collection will
be available at Nordstrom's, Rampage and Patricia Fields stores with price
tags ranging from $124-$148.

...WITH MAVIS LENO. Afghanistan:
Hollywood Community Speaks Out. The Hollywood Community and women's
rights and human rights leaders will gather to discuss the human rights
abuses against the women and girls in Afghanistan by the Taliban regime.
This, as opposed to the Oscars, is time well spent.