No side: BUT THEN THEY’LL HAVE SEX!
Yes side: But if they want to, they’ll have sex anyway.

I do an experiment with my classes every now and then, for fun. I ask them through an anonymous question and answer system whether they plan to have sex later in the day or that night. Because I do this with high school and college students, sometimes I have entire classes who don’t plan to have sex, but more commonly it’s a mix.

And ask again whether anyone plans to have sex later that day or night.

And the answers never change. The students who were going to have sex (with or without protection) still will, the students who weren’t going to have sex still aren’t going to.

Providing condoms to young people doesn’t affect whether they’re going to have sex, but it does have the potential to affect whether they’re going to use condoms when they have sex.

And yes, it’s weird, it’s awkward, and other people might judge you for it. Supporting your child in protecting their sexual health is important – far more important than other people’s judgment.

One parent protested to me that she wanted her children to at least have to stop long enough to go and buy condoms before they had sex and that might make them stop long enough to decide not to do it.

Do you see the flaw in her reasoning? She assumed that her children:

• had the intellectual and emotional wherewithal to step out of an emotional and arousing experience,
• have a thoughtful conversation with their partner,
• find a way to a store,
• produce money,
• and look a clerk in the eye (or resolutely avoid it) as they bought condoms when they had zero experience talking about condoms and decision-making with adults, because she refused to have those conversations with her children or allow anyone else to have them.

The risk/reward breakdown here when compared to issue free, condom-less sex just doesn’t make sense for a teenager – and nor should it for a parent who isn’t pulling the wool over their own eyes.

Providing condoms for your teenagers and their friends – regardless of whether they’re actually having sex – normalizes the conversation and makes it that tiny bit more approachable. Lucky Bloke has some great condom sampler options – buy a few of them, toss all the condoms into a bowl, and leave the bowl on the back of the sink in the bathroom.

This is the beginning – or middle – of the parent/teen sex conversation, not the end. But it’s a fantastic stopping station that every parent should take advantage of.

DR. KAREN RAYNE With a doctoral degree is in Educational Psychology, Karen provides advice and support to parents on how to educate their children and teenagers about sex and sexuality. Karen’s knowledge about adolescent development and education provides her with a solid background for guiding parents through these tricky conversations. And, as a college professor, helping young adults grapple with sexuality, she is known to change student’s lives. On twitter @KarenRayne

Did you know that a “well-woman” visit is now fully covered by insurance under new law? Yes, all teen girls and women up to age 65 are recommended to schedule a well-woman visit once a year. And that has just been made easier thanks to the Affordable Care Act.

A well-woman exam is important for tracking your overall health and taking care of your body’s needs as they change over time.

Here’s a summary of must-know information about the well-woman visit:

It’s preventative care done by your primary care provider. It consists of a full-check up, screening and tests, and counseling to help you make informed choices.

Well-women visits are different from Pap smears. The Pap is recommended every three years for 20-29 year olds and are usually done by a gynecologist.

You don’t have to pay. Because well-women visits are classified as “preventative care”, your insurance must cover it by law, including separate visits such as a mammogram, scheduled by your doctor during the wellness exam.

You and your primary provider decide what happens at the appointment. Go to healthcare.gov for a full list of what is covered under a well-woman exam.

This post by Chelsey Delaney was originally published on Bedsider.org.

UPDATE: Open enrollment for 2016 health coverage goes from now (November 2015) until January 31, 2016. Keep in mind, if you want coverage starting on January 1, you’ll have to pay your premium by December 15. Explore your options at HealthCare.gov!

If someone asked me a month ago what a “well-woman visit” is, I would have posited that it’s the magical time of year when you visit your gynecologist and he or she pokes around in your vagina. (Then I would have followed with the story of the time my gynecologist joked that she couldn’t find my cervix and that it probably fell out somewhere. Gullible was written all over my uterus that day.)

Unfortunately, my explanation wouldn’t have been completely accurate. In fact, for many women the poking I’m referring to—the Pap smear—isn’t required annually. For a woman like me, in the age range of 21 to 29, Paps are recommended every three years as long as there are no other factors that make more frequent Paps necessary. Also, you don’t have to see a gynecologist for a well-woman visit—you can see your primary care doctor, nurse practitioner, etc.

So, what is a well-woman visit? Well, woman, it depends. Here are six basics you should know:

1. It’s all about preventive health.

Prevention and planning, yo. Going to the doctor only when you’re sick is so last-century. As you age, your body changes and will experience new challenges. A well-woman visit is there for you to understand your own personal health risks and how to readily avoid them.

2. It’s just like a physical, only it doesn’t have to be as…physical.

Don’t just get tests—ask questions. What’s on your mind? Talk about your stress levels, your nutrition, your mood, your medications, your sex life, your family’s health history—next to nothing is off the table. Asking questions and raising concerns helps your health care provider know what’s important to you and what he or she should screen you for. Speaking of health care providers…

3. A good relationship with your provider is vital.

More than ever, health care is beginning to embrace the idea that hey, maybe providers and patients should get along and have open dialogues about stuff. Your provider should meet you in the middle and show a genuine interest in your health—no judgments. Allowing yourself to build trust into that relationship will increase the likelihood of a satisfactory visit (and you’ll also feel less awkward when you need a pelvic exam).

4. It’s not always one-and-done.

While the well-woman visit is often talked about as a single, annual visit, it doesn’t always stop there. For example, if you’ve got a history of breast cancer in your family, your provider might decide that you should get a mammogram. If the mammogram is scheduled at a different time and place, this should also be covered by your insurance. Same deal if you decide to get an IUD or implant—if you need to make a separate appointment for insertion, that should be covered too. Why is this important to know? Because…

5. You shouldn’t be charged for certain preventive services, including well-woman visits.

Don’t touch that wallet if you have health insurance and your provider is covered under your plan. Under the Affordable Care Act, preventive services should be covered by insurance with no out-of-pocket costs. Tip: Be sure to say you’re coming in for a “well-woman visit” when you schedule your appointment(s). And, while it may be tempting to tack your visit onto a sickish-visit with your provider, try to avoid it just to make sure the billing doesn’t get complicated.

6. The contents of your well-woman visit are up to you and your provider.

As far as services go, your visit(s) could include any/some of the following depending on your current health status:

You’re entitled to a well-woman visit every year until you’re 65. It’s not that you should stop being a well woman when you’re 65, it’s just that when you’re 65 you’ll have Medicare, and Medicare rules. Hopefully, it will act as a reward for being so well for so long!

BEDSIDER is an online birth control support network for women operated by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy. Bedsider is totally independent (no pharmaceutical or government involvement). Honest and unbiased, Bedsider’s goal is to help women find the method of birth control that’s right for them and learn how to use it consistently and effectively, and that’s it.Find Bedsider on twitter @Bedsider

From butt toys to hymen myths, here are six popular sex educations videos curated and recommended by renowned sex educator Kate McCombs, MPH.

While each video covers separate topics about sex and sexuality, what they all have in common is accessible messaging. Each aim to help us re-think certain preconceived ideas or poorly addressed aspects on sexual health. All do it in highly entertaining ways! Don’t miss the insightful and musical metaphor of sex at the end!

I love reading blog posts as much as the next social media fiend, but sometimes there’s nothing like a good YouTube video to illustrate the point. But in the sea of poorly-made click bait with the term “sex ed” attached, it can be hard to find the really good stuff. So I’ve compiled a list of some of my all-time favorite sex educational videos. I hope you enjoy.

1. The Most LOLworthy: Ducky DooLittle’s “Not In Your Butt”

In her playful demeanor, Ducky describes a number of things found in people’s butts in emergency rooms. It’s both hilarious and educational about what things should never go through the backdoor.

2. The Mythbuster: Laci Green’s “You Can’t POP Your Cherry”

There is still so much misinformation circulating about the hymen (or “vaginal corona” as it’s now called). Laci busts through all the myths in this clear and helpful video.

3. The Surprise: Charlie McDonnell’s “Sex & Consent”

English video blogger Charlie McDonnell isn’t a sex educator but made a simple video about the importance of consent in sexual relationships. It’s friendly, accessible, and I love that in a channel devoted to his random musings and science facts, he slips in a little stealth sex education to his young audience.

Dr. Linsey Doe from Sexplanations describes the key parts of female genital anatomy using a number of
different illustrations. I love that she drops in a little etymology too, like that the mons veneris is named after the goddess Venus.

In this video, Reid talks to Cathy Vartuli about exactly how to talk about safer sex and STI status with a new partner. It’s such a stressful conversation for many folks, and the way Reid breaks it down makes it much more manageable to have this important conversation.

6. The Most Inspirational: Karen B. K. Chan’s “Jam 2013″

If I could only show someone one 5-minute sex ed video, this would be it. Karen explores how instead of thinking of pleasure as a scarce resource, think of it like practicing a musical instrument. It’s one of the most brilliant and insightful pieces of sex ed I’ve seen.

KATE MCCOMBS is a NYC-based sex educator, writer, and maker of puns. Ultimately, all of Kate’s work is about helping people feel more comfortable talking about sex. She believes that meaningful conversations + accurate information can help us create a healthier and more pleasure-filled world. Kate writes articles and teaches workshops about sexual health, pleasure, and communication.Follow Kate on Twitter @katecom

A new book that teaches adults how to have meaningful discussions about sex with teenagers.

Breaking the Hush Factor: Ten Rules for Talking to Teens about Sex is not your typical parenting book. It’s for parents and other adults with teenagers in their lives. It offers practical advice that is purposely inclusive of all genders and sexualities, with a sex positive approach that goes beyond risk prevention. Readers will be guided through a step by step structure of how to have those intimate and sometime difficult conversations.

Author Dr. Karen Rayne has a long track record as a sexual health advocate. She has been working in sex education with all ages for the past decade and is Chair of the National Sex Ed Conference. Dr. Rayne founded HaveYouSeenSex.com and Unhushed in order to open the conversation about sexuality in the home.

The book will be available in stores and online June 14th. An indigo campaign, currently underway, will not only fund publication costs; it is designed to include parents in the co-creation of the second edition.

What is the “Hush Factor”?

The “Hush Factor” refers to the social silence and stigma surrounding sexuality. Numerous studies have shown that having continuous, shame-free and fact-based conversation about sex is one of the most effective ways to increase safer sex practices and decrease unwanted sexual outcomes. According to Planned Parenthood, parents are the most important sex educators for their children. Teens who report having good conversations with their parents about sex are more likely to delay sexual activity and use condoms and other contraceptives when they do have sex.

Having “the talk” in positive ways is crucial for helping young people navigate the choices they face and stand up for themselves in all situations, both sexual and otherwise.

Breaking the Hush Factor gives adults the ability to have honest discussion with teens by helping us overcome the cultural shame attached to sexuality and sexual pleasure in particular.

In short, parents need to read this book. Listen to Dr. Rayne discuss her ten steps in this video.

How doyou know if your child is gay? It’s hard to be certain because adolescence is often a time of experimenting sexually, often with both sexes. Studies tell us that it is not uncommon for adolescent boys to explore their sexuality with the same sex.

If you suspect your child may be gay, do you, as a parent, know how to approach the topic with him/her? Do you have the right to ask your child? According to Wesley Davidson, guest writer on Dr. Karen Rayne’s site, your kid will tell you she is gay when she is ready. You may be dying to have your suspicions confirmed, but that can backfire.

In this guest post, Wesley Davidson tackles to DOs and DONTs of discussing sexual identity with your child, particularly if you suspect he/she is gay. Below is a useful list of conversational ice-breakers to try.

Here are some key parenting tips:

Do not ask point blank: “Are you gay?” Respect personal boundaries. And don’t force a confession. He or she will tell you when the time is right.

Reflect on your own judgments about gender and sexuality. What stereotypes do you subscribe to?

Ask you child open-ended question such as his/her opinion of same-sex marriage and offer you positive opinions that demonstrate you accept and respect diversity.

Wesley is an award-winning writer. She has written articles on health and childcare for such publications as Good Housekeeping, Adoptive Families, and American Baby. She is on a panel of experts for the on-line publication, KIDZEDGE.com. Wesley has been on Internet radio, cable TV, and lectured to business groups.

She is currently collaborating with Dr. Tobkes, a New York City psychiatrist, on an advice book for straight parents of gay and lesbian children. She writes the blog Straight Parent, Gay Kid in which she offers support to parents on raising gay and lesbian children, and also writes about LGBTQ issues on gay agenda.com.

Sexual Orientation Doesn’t Necessarily Show Up Right Away

Not every parent is as cognizant as John Schwartz, a national reporter for The New York Times and author of his memoir about raising a gay child, Oddly Normal (Gotham Books). In Schwartz’s family, by the time his youngest son Joe came out at age 13, Schwartz and his wife had “progressed from inkling to conviction.” Their toddler Joe wore a feather boa around the house and pleaded for pink light-up sneakers with rhinestones.

Schwartz’s hunch, as it turned out, was right. While some kids may self-identify as gay or lesbian as young as three, others may not know they are gay until their adult years. Time tells.

How Can You Tell If Your Child Is LGBTQ?

It’s hard for parents to know. You can’t necessarily tell by looking at your children if they are gay. Heck, the kids may not even know themselves.

Many teens may wonder if they are gay or bisexual. It’s normal for them to have sexual feelings for both the same and opposite gender partners. They experiment with the same, or opposite gender relationships as they try to discover and develop their identities. Sometimes, their experiences are the signs of their sexual orientation, sometimes they aren’t. Or, it may just be a simple process of questioning.

Gay Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

If parents perceive that all male children must be sports-oriented, “rough-and-tumble” by nature, then they will be aghast at seeing their son playing house or with his sister’s Barbies. Does this necessarily indicate that this child is gay or is this behavior a reflection of society’s perception of how a male should not act or a parent’s read of behavior that’s not boyish or expected ?

Similarly, if a daughter refuses to wear dresses and plays football on a mostly-male football team, is she considered a feminist-in-the-making, a “tomboy” or a future lesbian? It depends on who is judging her according to their standards of how a girl should act.

Don’t Out Your Child

Even if you suspect your child is gay, you don’t want to force your suspicion down his/her throat to try and get a confession. You may be dying to know, but it’s up to your child to educate you when he/she is ready. Your kid may not want to disappoint you with the big news. He/she may be in denial. Or, he/she may simply not know. After all, it’s his/her story.

Offer Acceptance, Not Judgment

Carolyn Wagner, Former National Vice-President of Parents of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) said a good place to start is with a statement that offers acceptance instead of judgment. Accepting dialogue lets Mom and Dad be approachable and open to discussion about sexual identity.

Some Sample Ice-Breakers

Ask open-ended questions with a light touch. It’s non-threatening to talk about others, rather than about yourself. For example:

What do YOU think of same-sex marriage?

Should celebrities be outed or feel they have to come out to their fans? Why should it matter?

Do shows like Modern Family depict a gay family as normal as the straight ones?

Why is the teen suicide rate higher for youth who identify as LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, and Queer) than for straight youth?

Why are businesses like Starbuck’s and Oreo stepping forward to be allies with LGBTQ causes while others like Chick-Fil-A are thriving while espousing anti-gay philosophy?

Why do some churches accept gays and others tout condemnation based on their interpretation of the Bible? Isn’t religion about universal love and acceptance of all human beings?

What does your school do for its diverse population?

Are most of your friends having sex (define sex as it is interpreted differently by persons, often according to their beliefs and upbringing).

Sometimes teens who are considering coming out start by testing their parents’ perception of being LGBTQ by gauging their reactions to gay characters on television or religious leaders and remarks on same-sex relationship.

Your Kids Need to See You As An Ally

By bringing up these open-ended talks that can be discussed many times, you’re making your home a safe haven where any subject can be broached. In this environment, your adolescent is more apt to open up about his/her sexuality.

By now, you’ve probably had the talk about “the birds and the bees.” Hopefully, it’s an ongoing discussion that includes STI prevention.

Just as important as discussions about disease is imparting your values about love and sexuality to your child. By teaching them that civil rights are for all people, you are teaching an inclusive attitude and tolerance for all individuals. These attitudes open the gateway for acceptance and security for your child.

Stability and Permanence

Parental support is so important for a gay child. In fact, studies show that positive reactions by parents of gay adolescent result in happier and healthier youth. In fact, The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University has ongoing studies that show that gay teens whose parents accept their sexual orientation are less likely to do drugs, be depressed, or attempt suicide than gay teens with parents who react badly to their news about being gay. These conversations can save your child’s life.

DR. KAREN RAYNE With a doctoral degree is in Educational Psychology, Karen provides advice and support to parents on how to educate their children and teenagers about sex and sexuality. Karen’s knowledge about adolescent development and education provides her with a solid background for guiding parents through these tricky conversations. And, as a college professor, helping young adults grapple with sexuality, she is known to change student’s lives. On twitter @KarenRayne

Saying “I love you. I’m proud of you. You’ve got what it takes,” are all positive things a teen needs to hear on a regular basis. This is general, common sense parenting. But there are some topics we talk with our teens about in ways that may be sending the wrong message without realizing so. For example, telling a teen “Don’t have sex,” is likely not going to resonate your teenager’s reality and may close the door of open conversation about sexual health and safety when your teen does decide to become sexual active.

Talking to our teens isn’t always easy. Sex educator, Karen Rayne, who specializes in adolescent education, runs through a list of typical things we say to our teens that may be doing more harm than good.

Her overall message to parents: We tend to try to protect our teens with fear-based messaging. However, these statements forego the depth of relating to their realities. We need to talk to our teens in respectful ways in order to offer sincere support, insight and mentorship.

There was a meme running around Facebook and the Internet that is titled something along the lines of “What your teenager needs to hear” or “Message to my teenager” or something similar. The author is listed as “unknown.” I hate this list.

So I’m going to break it down, point out what’s wrong with it, and try to parse out what should be there instead.

Here’s the list, with my commentary interspersed:

1. “Yes, your freshman AND Sophomore years count towards your GPA for college entrance. Screw it up and you’ll work for crap wages your whole life.”

Yes, it’s true, your freshman and sophomore grades do count towards you entire high school GPA. But admissions offices look at trends as well as overall averages. If you made crap grades your freshman year and great grades your senior year, that shows progress and development as a person. Colleges love that sort of thing! It is, in fact, exactly what they’re looking for and want to develop in their student body! So congratulations!

2. “No means NO. In every possible circumstance.”

This is true. Well done for spotting it, and it’s something teenagers need to hear. Really, it’s something that adults and children need to hear too. Can’t we all hear this a little more? But, the conversation needs more than this. While I understand that this is intended to be a somewhat clever and pithy list, there are some topics that need just a hair more attention and nuance paid to them, and this is one of those things. We also need to say that the only thing that means yes is a yes, that silence means no or hold on or let’s talk about this some more. And sometimes, particularly when a girl is underage, even if she says yes, an adult needs to say no.

3. “Join every sport, every club, every after school activity no matter what the cost. It’s cheaper than bail.”

Well that’s just not true either! Sports, clubs, after school activities, these are all really, really expensive! I suspect, though, that you mean they’re not potentially damaging to a young person’s future, unlike finding themselves with many hours to fill with unsavory and illegal activities. But if the goal here is really to keep your kid out of trouble, is suggesting they join the theater club (where they typically smoke a lot of pot) or sports teams (where they often drink a lot of alcohol) really what you want? And maybe what you should be suggesting is that your kid not do anything illegal. I think that, again, you’ve lost your point in your attempt to be pithy.

4. “Repeat after me: I am never in that much of a hurry…I am never in that much of a hurry. Now say that every time you get behind the wheel. It will save your life and that of your best friend in the seat next to you.”

I’m just not down with the extreme scare tactics. It’s no good for anyone. So just take a deep breath and instead of threatening them with death, which is oblique and far away, point out the very real and far more intellectually accessible possibility of totaling their car.

5. “Don’t do drugs or drink – it is so not worth the trouble.”

Ever? Don’t drink ever? Adolescents learning how to drink appropriately is one reason why European college students don’t binge drink like US college students. Teenagers need their parents to teach them how to drink in family settings, not just tell them not to do it. And “Don’t do drugs.” Well, this is sure referring a wide range of potential activities, isn’t it? Lumping pot together with coke is just a bad idea. They’re too different – the affects on the body too far flung – to address them in one big group.

6. “Don’t get a credit card. You earn it or you live without it.”

Actually, your teenager will need a credit score at some point, and getting a credit card with a low limit ($200, $300) and talking about appropriate use is a really good thing. In fact, it’s something parents should consider to be part of their responsibilities to their children.

7. “If I yell at you, it’s because I love you. And also, because you pissed me off. To avoid the latter, don’t be an idiot. And don’t disappoint me. More importantly, yourself.”

Can your teenager yell at you because they love you? Why do you hold them to a higher standard then you hold yourself? (This same issue comes up in number 18. I don’t like it there either.) The “don’t be an idiot” part? That’s great, actually. And it is more important that teenagers don’t disappoint themselves than that they don’t disappoint their parents, so I’m glad that was in there too.

8. “Make a vivid picture inside your head of every great moment of your childhood. You’ll need those to get through adulthood.”

Maybe…sometimes…depending on your childhood…and your adulthood.

9. “Make snow angels as often as possible. Make a bucket list. Check it off!”

Yes! More like this! This one is good because it is beautiful and whimsical and encourages young people to think about what they want in life and then go do those things. We all need more encouragement like this.

10. “Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.”

This is also a great one, and the urgency of it has only grown stronger over the years.

11. “Be always benevolent. Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.”

Ugh! So insulting, snarky, dismissive. I knew what benevolent meant when I was a teenager, and I would have stopped reading any piece of writing directed to teenagers that assumed I was (1) lacking an extensive vocabulary AND (2) uninterested in understanding what I was reading. No author should assume this of their readers regardless of their age.

12. “Call me for a ride even if you are so drunk you barely know my number. I’ll probably be mad for a while but I’ll respect you for calling and I won’t kill you. Riding with someone who is drinking will.” (PS – remember #5?)

Love this one. LOVE IT! (My issues with #5 remain and are exasperated by this one. Conflating drinking with drinking and driving is irresponsible. One can be done appropriately, the other cannot.)

13. “Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you are following the kid with the highest GPA and (s)he is going to a study group, then by all means be a follower!”

Such a conflicting message! First of all, there are often good reasons to follow someone. In fact, finding the right person to follow to the right places can be an amazing career move! This little instruction guide halfway acknowledges this fact (following someone can help you learn things and be a better student), while expressly stating the opposite. How are teenagers supposed to know when which rule applies?

14. “Love your siblings, even when you don’t like them. Some day you will be trying to get them to take care of me in my old age. If they are mad at you, you are stuck with me.”

This one I can get fully behind. Particularly given the rest of these little missives that are lacking in-depth thoughtful approaches to relationships or life in general.

15. “I’ve been there, done that on more things than you can imagine. I’m not stupid and I know what you are doing. I was once you (times ten).”

I think this is supposed to be a threat. But I’m not even clear what it’s threatening.

I happen to disagree, but maybe it’s just a perspectives thing. Some things just need to get done, and being done well enough is just fine. Why stress out more than necessary?

17. “Cover it.” (Enough said.)

I think the intention was to encourage young people to use condoms when engaging in sexual activities, but the speaker (given the parenthetical) isn’t actually comfortable just coming out and saying it. Instead, they are attempting to use the common vernacular of the young people of today. But then the sentence should have been “Wrap it.” As in, “Wrap it before you tap it.” Which, while vulgar, is another message I can get behind 100%.

18. “When I tell you to clean your room, do not point at my messy room and raise your eyebrows. I’m trying to raise you to be better than me.”

Why parents think that their children won’t imitate them is beyond me. Really and truly, utterly beyond me. It’s what children DO! Yes, they are also becoming their own people, etcetera etcetera etcetera, but you are a guiding light in their life, even as they grow into teenagers and adults. They pick up habits from you, both good and bad. You do not get to pick which ones, as much as you might like to!

19. “Learn to type; to budget; to spell correctly and to pray. All are equally important.”

Spelling? Really? The likelihood that your teenager will ever write something important that won’t be spell checked through a computer is extraordinarily unlikely. Spelling is nothing like budgeting in terms of importance to lifelong well-being.

20. “Never be sedentary. Someday soon you will no longer be able to move like that. Enjoy it.”

The threats of the perils of aging directed at young people exhaust me. There are good things and bad things about being young and there are good things and bad things about being old. Saying this just makes you sound bitter about your side of the fence.

This list specifically – and this genre of lists in general – tend to forgo depth of thought in place of an attempt at humor. They are generally written from an older person’s perspective to a younger person, but they are insulting to the intelligence of the younger person. As you get older, you grow into a new position, you grow into a place to offer sincere support, insight, and mentorship to young people. Why throw away that opportunity with insults?

Humor, now, humor is important, critical even, to the process of both parenting and mentoring. If we can’t have fun together, how can we be expected to be serious together? So have fun, laugh, and do so with your standards held high for both yourself and the young person who you’re talking with.

DR. KAREN RAYNE With a doctoral degree is in Educational Psychology, Karen provides advice and support to parents on how to educate their children and teenagers about sex and sexuality. Karen’s knowledge about adolescent development and education provides her with a solid background for guiding parents through these tricky conversations. And, as a college professor, helping young adults grapple with sexuality, she is known to change student’s lives. On twitter @KarenRayne

National Condom Week 2015 is here! From Feb. 14th to Feb. 21st, we are celebrating by providing a new article every day by prominent sexual health advocates focused on condom use and education.

Today we address myths about condoms that every person has encountered at some point in their lives. Dr. Karen Rayne, who writes about condom education for teachers and parents alike, lists 4 condom myths that she often hears in the classroom environment.

Here is how you can counteract these pervasive falsehoods about condoms:

Bring condoms to class or buy some for your child and have them put the condom over their hand and then run a feather over it. They will learn that condoms do not significantly reduce feeling.

Accompany your students and daughter/son when buying condoms. Or role play the transaction. This will not only help prepare them to be more comfortable getting condoms for themselves, but also help them be aware of their rights to access safer sex tools.

Show them peer-reviewed research that reports how effective condoms are at preventing STIs and pregnancy.

I want to start Condom Week by addressing some of the myths about condoms. These raise their ugly heads in the classroom over and over again and having solid responses to them lets you respond with charisma, humor, and ease.

1. Sex doesn’t feel as good with a condom. Well, this is (clearly) a personal preference. Some people will agree, others will prefer condoms, and that’s important to acknowledge in a classroom environment. But the social meme is certainly that condoms don’t feel good. You can address this in some ways by bringing condoms into the classroom and asking students to put them over their hands see what they can feel through them. While it may change or reduce the sensation, it certainly doesn’t restrict all of it. I find that this commercial does a fantastic job of having the rest of the conversation:

2. You can’t buy condoms if you’re underage. I can’t even tell you how often I hear this from students! And even more amazingly, it often doesn’t even come up until I ask about it. Young people believe that age restrictions on things that they want to do, but adults want them to not do, are ubiquitous, and they often incorrectly believe that applies to access to safer sex as well. The best way to dispel this myth, if you’re in a sufficiently liberal teaching environment, is taking young people to a store and supporting them through their first condom buying experience. While Planned Parenthood and other organizations give condoms away for free, it’s sometimes harder for young people to access those clinics than it is for them to access a grocery store or a pharmacy with $20 in their pockets. Short of an actual field trip, assure young people of their rights to sexual health and do some cashier-consumer role plays in the classroom.

3. Condoms don’t work. Particularly in those states with the highest teenage pregnancy rates and lingering propensity towards abstinence-only-until-marriage sex education (like Texas, cough, cough), too many young people have been taught that condoms don’t work. You should point young people in the direction of the concrete research that says otherwise. If they are dismissive or uninterested in actual research, remind them that they are talking about important things – and making allegations without backup. Sexuality and sexual health are not topics to be flippant about. If they are old enough and responsible enough to be engaging sexually, they should be old enough and responsible enough to be finding real answers to the sexual issues they are facing.

4. If my partner wants to use a condom, it means they’re cheating on me. Wow, that’s a doozy of a myth, and I find it’s more insidious in its less overt form: “If my partner wants to use a condom, it means they don’t want to be as close to me as possible, that they don’t love me as much as I love them.” My post on Thursday is going to deal entirely with this and similar topics: how to support students in talking with their partners about safer sex and condom use.

There are, of course, many more condom myths than the ones I am including here. What are the myths you have run across most frequently, or the ones that tripped you up the most?

I’ve decided that it’s Condom Week around here at Unhushed. Melissa White over at Lucky Bloke recently asked if I wanted to provide content for her new safer sex education website, and of course I was delighted! But when I went back to look through my blogging archives (both here and at www.unhushed.net/blog), I found that I had written terrifyingly little about condoms. So here I am, rectifying that problem with Condom Week, on both sites. At KarenRayne.com, I’ll be writing about teachers and other educators’ issues about condoms in the classroom. At Unhushed.net, I’ll be writing about parental concerns about condoms. Interested in receiving KarenRayne blog posts as they happen? Sign up here. You can sign up to receive Unhushed blog posts here.

DR. KAREN RAYNE With a doctoral degree is in Educational Psychology, Karen provides advice and support to parents on how to educate their children and teenagers about sex and sexuality. Karen’s knowledge about adolescent development and education provides her with a solid background for guiding parents through these tricky conversations. And, as a college professor, helping young adults grapple with sexuality, she is known to change student’s lives. On twitter @KarenRayne

National Condom Week 2015 is here! From Feb. 14th to Feb. 21st, we are celebrating by providing a new article every day about condom use and education, written by prominent sexual health advocates.

Today is a short and pithy piece by sex educator Melanie Davis. She argues that it is important to teach our teens about condom size and fit sooner rather than later. All too often that first experience is with the wrong size condom leaving many young people frustrated and quickly conclude that condoms either don’t feel good or simply are not made in their size.

We can overcome the myth that condoms are one-size-fits-all by informing young people about the variety of sizes, shapes and types of condoms available. Also, explaining how to gauge one’s condom size and encouraging experimentation with sample packs is important. This should be part of basic sex education, argues Melanie.

Kudos to you, if you’ve talked to your teens (of any gender) about using condoms during oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse. I’d like to encourage you to take another step that may be more awkward but is just as important: Talk about condom sizes and shapes.

Condoms can enhance sexual enjoyment or limit it, and getting the right fit can affect whether people will use condoms consistently. Penises come in many sizes, and condoms that are too short or too long can, respectively, slip off or create an uncomfortably tight roll at the base of the penis. Pleasure is another factor, as some new condom shapes allow more movement within the condom, which increases a natural feel — especially when a small amount of lubricant is dripped into the condom prior to it being placed on the erect penis. Some partners enjoy different sensations from textured condoms.

Dr. Paul Joannides, author of “The Guide to Getting It On,” posted a terrific video that explains the whys and wherefores of new condom shapes and sizes (however, this video is no longer available online). But I encourage you and your teen to read his book.

I recently spoke to a parent who encouraged his 13-year-old to keep condoms in his backpack at all times — even though he wasn’t yet sexually active. The dad’s rationale? It takes a long time to build up a habit, and he wants his son to be comfortable carrying condoms by the time he needs them. He also bought condoms in bulk and, when his son asked to practice with them, encouraged his son to use them during masturbation. This is a clever idea because it will link sexual pleasure to a potentially life-saving practice of consistent condom use.

MELANIE DAVIS, PHD, consults with individuals and couples to help them build sexual knowledge, comfort, and pleasure through the New Jersey Center for Sexual Wellness. Through her firm Honest Exchange LLC, she provides professional development in sexuality. She’s a popular speaker on self-esteem and body image, and the sexual impact of cancer, menopause and aging. She’s an AASECT-Certified Sexuality Educator. On Twitter @DrMelanieDavis

National Condom Week 2015 is here! From Feb. 14th to Feb. 21st, we are celebrating by providing a new article every day by prominent sexual health advocates focused on condom use and education.

Dr. Karen Rayne, who writes about teacher and other sex educator issues, talks about when condom demonstrations are necessary in the classroom. Some school districts do not allow teachers to bring condoms to school. In Mississippi, for example, sex educators are forbidden from demonstrating how to put on a condom. To get around this, Dr. Karen provides YouTube videos to her students. This article is for sex educators, parents and young people who want productive tips on both teaching condom use and learning about condoms in general.

Here are her key points:

Offering hands-on activities is important because it gets students familiar with condoms before they engage in sex, increasing the chances of consistent and correct condom use.

Students not only need hands-on demonstrations to learn how to put on and take off a condom; this teaching model is effective at debunking the myths that 1) condoms decrease pleasure and 2) that condoms don’t fit well.

There is a wealth of age appropriate online videos that teachers can share with students. Check out her suggestions below.

Being a sex educator with my face and my e-mail address out on the Internet sometimes means I get crazy notes from people. I’ve had someone posing as a student e-mail me asking for details about my classes, suggesting he wanted to enroll in the fall. After several back and forths, he wrapped up thusly: “Do professors ever assign hands-on activities?” I said no, that hands-on activities don’t happen in college classrooms, but there are other places that offer hands-on instruction. He replied with: “There’s so much more I’d like to talk about but I can only imagine how busy you are!” I declined to respond.

But there are occasions when hands-on is the right way to go, and condom education is one of them.

A quick side note: There are many places where hands-on condom education just isn’t possible for political or other reasons. In many school districts around here, for example, teachers aren’t allowed to bring condoms into the school. If you’re a teacher and face similar requirements, don’t beat yourself up over it or do something that might get you fired. I provide links to YouTube videos below that can stand in, when necessary, for doing the actual activity.

So many young people have their first experience with a condom when they are in the dark, trying to figure out how to use the silly thing, aren’t fully aroused, feel embarrassed, etc. It’s not the most conducive experience to figuring out something new, even something relatively un-complicated like a condom. To combat this, I like to provide students with an activity that will provide them with lots of opportunity to figure condoms out. I divide the class into four groups and then rotate them through four stations. In general, having one educator at the demonstration model and one educator to monitor the other three stations works well. However, having more than four or five people per group can become unwieldy, so you might benefit from adding anther station or providing two of each kind of station so you can have smaller groups. Provide a big pile of condoms at each station. If they can vary in kind, brand, color, size, etc., even better!

The stations are as follows:

1. Demonstration Station: I prefer to use a realistic looking dildo, but everyone has their own preference here. Taking students through all the steps – from checking the expiration date to taking the condom off after ejaculation – is important. Relevant YouTube video:

2. Lubrication Station: “Wait, which kind of lube can’t you use on a condom?” The kind that gets all hot and breaks them when you rub it on. Nothing drives this point home further than trying out different kinds of lube and seeing what happens! Relevant YouTube video:

3. Sensation Station: Even after saying that you can feel through condoms, many students either don’t believe it or end up believing someone else rather than trying it out for themselves. Get a few feathers (I use turkey feathers from the free-range turkeys in my yard…) and have students put the condom over their hand and see what the feather feels like when brushed over the condom-covered hand vs. the non-condom-covered hand. Telling them there’s no difference is silly, but letting them actually feel that there’s still substantial sensation is important. I couldn’t find a good YouTube video for this.

4. Maximization Station: How big can a condom get? This station, in particular, works better if you have a range of condom sizes on hand (so to speak) for the students to explore and discuss. The stated goal is for them to see how big they can get the condom. I’ve had students do all kinds of funny things, from putting condoms on their heads, feet, backpacks, and more. When they’re in a space that allows for it, they love filling them up with water. Relevant YouTube video:

Please note that the YouTube videos may or may not be available for your group of students, depending on the age you’re working with. There are lots of videos out there – if you go the video route, find one that is appropriate for the age and development of your students!

Engaging with condoms at this level helps to dispel additional condom myths, building on yesterday’s blog post, but in a very personal sort of way.

I’ve decided that it’s Condom Week around here at Unhushed. Melissa White over at Lucky Bloke recently asked if I wanted to provide content for her new safer sex education website, and of course I was delighted! But when I went back to look through my blogging archives (both here and at www.unhushed.net/blog), I found that I had written terrifyingly little about condoms. So here I am, rectifying that problem with Condom Week, on both sites. At KarenRayne.com, I’ll be writing about teachers and other educators’ issues about condoms in the classroom. At Unhushed.net, I’ll be writing about parental concerns about condoms. Interested in receiving KarenRayne blog posts as they happen? Sign up here. You can sign up to receive Unhushed blog posts here.

DR. KAREN RAYNE With a doctoral degree is in Educational Psychology, Karen provides advice and support to parents on how to educate their children and teenagers about sex and sexuality. Karen’s knowledge about adolescent development and education provides her with a solid background for guiding parents through these tricky conversations. And, as a college professor, helping young adults grapple with sexuality, she is known to change student’s lives. On twitter @KarenRayne

What do you get when you combine condom appreciation with today’s global hit song, “Happy” by Pharrell Williams? The best International Condom Day song ever!

On February 13th, the AIDS Health Foundation (AHF) is hosting International Condom Day (ICD)- an annual celebration that promotes STI and accidental pregnancy prevention through free condom distribution and safer sex awareness events around the world, including the United States.

According to Lara Worcester of the Condom Monologues, this year’s celebration inspires a feel-good approach to condom use in exciting new ways. For example, this is the first year the AHF has launched a video series and a theme song to commemorate International Condom Day. Check out the article below for links to over 140 events, the innovative condom promotion video, and the condom song that will spice up your Valentine’s weekend.

Forget the Valentine’s Day candies and roses. What better way to gear up for Vday romance than celebrating International Condom Day! (#ICD2015 to you, Twitter.)

February 13th marks this holiday of awareness as a time to educate and celebrate safer sex. World, be prepared for thousands of free condom dispensaries and numerous safer sex events across 31 countries. In the US, the AHF (AIDS Health Organization) has organized 37 events in 12 states including some “hot zones” like the District of Colombia, which has the highest national rate of HIV in the country; and Mississippi and Texas, two states which have some of the strictest laws against public sex education and (by no coincidence) the highest national average of teen pregnancies.

Indeed, there is plenty to celebrate when it comes to condoms.

The first being that condoms are the most effective method available today that protects against both STIs and accidental pregnancy. Can’t beat that.

Each year, the AHF curates this holiday around a theme. This year’s theme is “Coolness”; that is, “Condoms Are Cool”. Now, before you roll your eyes and think, “Not another lame, out-of-touch attempt to get youth to use condoms,” I challenge you to check out the AHF corresponding video series. They launched a trio of videos related to young people buying condoms at a local corner shop or “bodega”.

Here is the first of the AHF’s “Bodega Nights” video series. Trust me, you have never seen a condom commercial like this one. Unlike traditional public service announcements (PSAs) that are overtly serious and fear-based, this one actually combines condoms with confidence, fun and sexiness.

The coolness doesn’t stop there. In addition to their “Bodega Nights” video series, the AHF also released a catchy party song. It is a condom-related parody of one of today’s global hits, Pharrell Williams’s “Happy”. The hope is to renew attention of the importance of safer sex in a way that will never go out of style.

Because I wrap it
Put it on and get in on, if that’s what you want to do.
Because I wrap it,
Cause you know that you are hot, and these condoms sure are cool.
Because I wrap it
Wrap it, put your hands up, and let yourself be free,
Because I wrap it
Just love your self enough to know that protection is the key.– “Because I Wrap It” by Danny Fernandez

You can listen to the song and download the lyrics for your Karaoke pleasures here.

LARA WORCESTER is co-founder & editor at Condom Monologues and a Lucky Bloke contributor. She’s a published social researcher with a Master’s in Gender & Sexuality studies and has worked with various HIV/AIDS organizations including Stella and the HIV Disclosure Project.

CONDOM MONOLOGUESAffirming safer sex and sexuality one story at a time… Condom Monologues dispel harmful myths about safe sex and sexual stereotypes that permeate our ways of understanding what is “healthy sexuality”. They accomplish this through sex-positive, pleasure-focused approaches to sexuality that affirm the diversity of people- genders, sexualities, kinks and relationships.Find them on twitter @CondomMonologue