The BOOYAHTheatre up the wazzoo... A weekend away in the mountains with my theatre company. We invoked Dionysus, invented theatre on the spot and drank and drank and drank. And then spent a week dreaming up possibilities for the next company-devised plays (we insist on new/unknown works and creating our own plays), and right on the heels of that I landed a new stage managing gig. So full of creative work to do!!

the BOOI'm so full of (creative) work to do!! And that means nothing for getting bills paid - in fact this usually means more expenses for me - no work on pushing forward the career, little time for personal maintenance like cleaning around the house, exercising or eating properly. Yikes. I always make it through somehow, but it's always somewhat painful, stressful and at the other end I see how much time I didn't spend working on the things I said I would. I mean, if nothing else, I have to pay back my mom for helping me out with classes and such that are swiftly going to waste. Discipline is not my strong suit. When I was younger I made up for it by working long hours...but I'm not young any more.

Grr

the SALUTE@Britt I know it's not any consolation when Bad Brain is in effect, but I gotta say - Gosh! what I wouldn't give to be 25 again! A faster metabolism, more energy, a body that sprang back from fatigue and injury in no time... and chances, chances everywhere to do anything! Beginning at anything at 25 only feels like a trial when you're 25, for the rest of us who vaguely remember it was that age that we squandered not thinking about the things we might want to do.... I wish I had thought about voice acting and tried to pursue it! I wish I had realized that I was depressed because I was working a dull dead-end job that I wasn't interested in turning into a career. Instead my life was all depression and making due and listening to toxic people who only validated me and never inspired me to leave my comfort zone.

I know it's hard to impossible to enjoy where you are when Bad Brain tells you how much you suck and everything sucks and nothing is pleasant and you don't want to do the things anyone else wants to do... and so I definitely think working with a psychologist could help. But if you only even understand this intellectually, please do try to understand: You are beautiful and powerful and capable and a point in your life where you really can do all the things. So I suggest you work out WHO you want to be and bend your every effort to become her. *hug* It's gonna be marvelous. }:>

Had a marvelous weekend in New York. Met up with some good friends, including my writing partner, whom I've never met, we ate like kings and drank like scoundrels. We hit Forbidden Planet, The Strand bookstore, and Obscura (as seen on Science Channel's "Oddities", and we got shitfaced at an Applebee's where I had a mojito in a pimp glass. I had a taste of cheesecake from this famous cheesecake place, and it was like making out with the Blessed Virgin. Really, really good time.

Hell naw:

I left my Weaponizer hoodie behind.

Shouts-out:

@razrangel: Having a lot of work to do is awesome. You never get bored!

Nearly finished the novel. So close I can fucking taste it. Spent the weekend at a literary festival and managed to blag a few minutes with publishers and agents.... we'll see what happens. Have applied for some jobs that I a) might get and b) actually want... lots of opportunities in the not-too-distant future for the label, and for musical collabs. Seriously, the next three releases lined up on Black Lantern make me extremely happy in my pants. Cutting-edge bass madness, Depeche Mode-style electro-angst, and more Lovecraftian hip-hop... Just got confirmation of my final marks for my Creative Writing Masters - a Merit (that's a high 2:1 basically, one point off a First, so I'm pretty happy with that). And last night I saw El-P live, he's been my favourite rapper since 1996, so that was tremendous. Two tracks in particular was like being chewed up and spat out by a gigantic industrial spider and then launched into the future via some sort of Grant Morrison-style timesuit:

then

THE NAW

Still not enough freelance work coming in to pay all my rent and bills, and the process of applying for benefits to help me through til I'm up and running is both complex and slightly embarrassing. I've never claimed any kind of benefit before and I'd rather not start, but I also need to hammer at all the opportunities in front of me, paid and unpaid, and that's a lot harder to do while working full time somewhere unrelated. Just have to hope the job applications pan out, and give me a solid base to work from, as opposed to relying on government handouts. And figure out when to say 'no' to projects where there's no money involved.

WHATUP DAWG

@Fauxhammer - I'm sure it will find a good home... I kind of like the idea of it ferally roaming the New York streets, looking for victims. (Happy belated birthday chief!)

@Texture: congratulations on your novel! I'm working on one too and alsy trying to work out entries for a short story competition. I know the feeling about benefits, having had my share. My best advice would be to look on them as 'a safety net'. A lot of people do and I have done it myself, though I have known the stigma of being on a benefit. And some people think welfare beneficiaries are bludgers?!?

My mom had a fall last week. She's 78, 84 lbs., not sure about the state of her vision (she's had cataract surgery in both eyes. She's also had, and gotten over, in order, a stroke (like twenty years ago) and lung cancer (like ten years ago). Obviously, her balance is fucked, too. This is not good, in any way. Luckily, my nephew is awesome and he and I help out. My dad is worse than useless so there ya go. You know how some people love their family? I don't have that kinda family. My brother recently came out via facebook (I know, right?), one sister has MS (the good one) and my estranged sister, whom I have not seen in thirteen years, has recently rejoined the family. But not too much because we are Lace-Curtain Irish (I myself am 10th generation - I have relatives who were involved in the Underground Railroad, apparently), thus putting the "fun" in "dysfunctional". So if you love your family, more power to ya but frankly, I don't get it. Other than my mom and my nephew and my sister. Alla rest can go piss up a rope.

HAPPY!

I have relatives who were involved in the Underground Railroad. This' fucking awesome and I already have an idea for a cracking good screenplay that is The Old West On The Sea. One-eyed Negro Slave-Catcher Bad Guy. My Great-Great Grandfather, Ship Captain at 25 years old, youngest on the Great Lakes. Ferrying "cargo" like Han Solo In A Boat. Just starting it but FUCK ... it's good. It's real good. Plus, I'm still banging away at the novel and THAT'S becoming tight. So sick, so tight. So sick and tight. So there's that. Also, drinking (slightly) less and smoking less, as the recent influx of movie stars has denuded the town of any cannibanoid.

AND NOW, THESE MESSAGES

@fishelle - the BEST PART will be when, in six months, YOU are awesome and going strong and HE is a bag of shit in track pants, crying into his Doritos or anyone who will still listen to him. That's what happens to boys who realize ONLY LATER the magnitude of their fuck-up.

@ Rachael - aw, honey. If only I could make it all go away. Or get ya free health-care.

@oldhat - you okay? The Thirsty Wench is invulnerable, right? I'm not just saying that because one of your punches could light Las Vegas for an unspecified amount of time. Maybe the fella just needs to work on some CIA shit.

@ everyone - I fucking love this place. Been reading a lot of hateful comments about a lot of shit lately but this is the ONE PLACE one can come and just chill out and talk to cool people. Whitechapel has enriched my life in so many ways and I've missed it, been away a while. I hope ALL OF YOU get what you want and need, now and forever.

Also I have a small pile of comics that I think belongs to you, in my apartment in Toronto, where I no longer live, which is in my friend's custody. I'll be back early- to mid-October, if you're free. You still have my number and/or email?

@ allana - Yes, MURDER CAN BE FUN and other titles. I'm in no rush but it'd be great to see youI'm sure we'll be in touch. Novel? When it's ready, you're on the reading list. Don't judge a book by a cover it does not yet have.

How did you like MURDER CAN BE FUN? (Which is an indie comic that's right up most Whitechapel people's alley, if you can search it out.)

@JP - Hooray for feeling warm! Regarding feeling artistically dry, my inspiration always gets jump-started when I have to make something for someone. So, make your wife a gift! Make it an awesome surprise that she'll totally not expect. Or something for your kids. Or something for someone online who isn't expecting it at all. It's so much harder to do something for ME than it is for someone else.

@texture - Do not feel guilt about taking benefits. You are having a rough patch, and know that you have things on the horizon. You are EXACTLY who benefits are meant to be for, people going through an unforseen rough patch. Just because scammers and layabouts give it a bad name does not mean that you should feel lesser by using them. That might be a very American way of me looking at things, though.

@oldhat - I'm not sure how I missed that you were having surgery on your insides, but egad! Feel better! Mend well! Revel in the badass scar that will result from the healing!

BAD:

I had to cancel plans, and I really hate it. It's so rare that I get to feel useful or feel part of anything, and the idea that I had schedule conflicts really upsets me.

I had my echocardiogram last week, but I'm still waiting for the results, so I'm in health limbo.

My neck is killing me constantly as is my right arm, and the headaches keep attacking.

My only good camera lens is busted, nowhere in New York repairs Pentax lenses, and I was told that I could buy a new lens for the amount that it'd cost to fix it. I'm feeling rather artistically starved.

I'm drowning in money woes.

I'm still pretty thin on IRL friends. It's hard to make friends when you don't work, are broke, often sick, and hardly ever drink.

GOOD:

I'm really really happy with the fellow, and slowly getting used to the idea of not being such a "don't touch me!" person. He's awesome. We're awesome. He brought me to my very first proper punk show last week. (Coitus, I believe.) It was lovely! Everyone was having so much fun! I seem to have passed the friend test, which makes me happy. Gosh, he's awesome.

I got my student loans pushed off for a year so I can get the medical evidence that I need to get a disabled reprieve.

I got some cortisone/marcaine injections in my shoulder, and it's such an improvement!

The same best friend is bringing me with her to New Mexico in a week and half. She's paying for my plane ticket and other transportation so I can drive back to the East Coast with her. I'm so excited! I've not been on a plane since 1995! I've not been anywhere that wasn't for a family reunion (aside from a weekend in Chicago) in nearly 20 years!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!!

I posted on my tumblr to ask for tip-jar donations towards a new lens, and people have been kind and done so! I'm kind of amazed! Maybe I'll be able to get a new lens in time for my road trip!

Oh, and two awesome photographers that I don't know started following me on tumblr. AND I got over 300 notes on one of my old photographs over the past two weeks. Yeah, it's of my bottom, but whatever! Wheeee!

After nearly collapsing with the flu-plague (seriously), I was "dragged" to City Roads Detoxification Death Camp. Mein Gott! The story I could tell is rich with piss-stained walls, hard-drinking junkie women battered-to-fuck from abusive partners, me sitting all a wailing-and-a-crying, giving it: "I'm mentally fooked, I'm a Satanic bastard, I'm Insane! Give me some knock-out juice, you staff buggers!"

And they did, placebo style stuff and balm on the body and shiatsu massage and Indian head-rubbing and other assorted complimentary reality-wank that left me all tucked-up in my pit at night, coming-off the Subutex.

I hate this place. I can hardly walk, legs fragged from cramps, chest a wheezing bag of ruptured bile. I got "healthy addicts" busting my balls, sitting in circles talking 'bout the alien concept of feelings and other such human stuff.

I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Early recovery is a hideous mutation...

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

9-days-clean, and this time it's proper; no sly pills, no sleepers. Freaking hardcore. Doing the day at a time thing, to stop me leaving this place. It's meant to get better, so...

NO TIME:

Seriously, I got a kid waiting to escort me back to the housing unit, so I aint had time to read anyone's verbage. But you guys know I love ya, so I will return.

Bad Times:My brain's a fucking mess right now. I stopped exercising and eating right again. All it takes is a break in routine for me and I spiral into bad habits again. It invariably ends up with my anxiety and depression skyrocketing. Pisses me off, because at the beginning of summer, I was in really good shape! It's all so dumb and irritating at the same time. It takes it's toll on me at home and work. I'm not the best partner, dad, friend, employee, etc. when it gets bad like this. I'm sure lots of folks here know the feels I feel.

Good Times:The above is not insurmountable. I know this. I went for a walk/run with the dogs this morning for the first in months. It sucked, felt familiar and comforting, and was invigorating all at once. Every time I start exercising again, I wonder why I stopped in the first place. I'll get back on track, one step at a time, almost literally.I had a fantastic summer spent camping, kayaking, PAXing with friends and family. I think I'm actually looking forward to autumn so I can slow down for a bit. It's probably time to focus inward a bit and get back on track anyway.

Shared Times: @flecky - You amazing bastard! Your brain spew never fails to make me laugh and put things into perspective. Hoping the rehab goes well for ya.@Rachael - Likewise, your ability to persevere in the face of your medical issues is genuinely inspiring. And you keep making stuff! @Every Last One of You - You people make things and I love you in your faces for it.

- Recovery is still a very boring thing. Need entertainment. Need comics. Need something to keep my mind from going numb. Lack of people around means that by the end of this I'll have to do some big work on my social skills.

THERE IT'S OUT NOW THANK GOD

- Got out a Thirsty Wench post, where I do a comic/beer pairing. Writing it felt really good to do as it's been a while. Pleased to see that it kind of exploded and the spreading around of it got me some new readers.

- It's getting cold out now. Thank christ.

GOOD JOB@flecky, keep fucking rocking it, flecky! Glad you're in rehab and 9 days clean with no chemicals to ease in to it. It'll be tough as hell but you'll come out of it as one hard motherfucker who did it. Hoping for the best.@hex Yeah, I'm fine. Have been limited to only fighting Nazis two nazis at a time though, as I'm still recovering. And hey, a relative in the underground railroad? I bet he was the drunk, chainsmoking loud one. :P