I can’t watch...

Straight through. I had to break it up 45 seconds at a time. Because the Fontrum, Jesus, I mean they say everything is bigger in Texas, and, well, that applies to Fontrum too. Anyway, maybe you can stand it better than I can. Maybe you can make it all the way through and if this is indeed the case, you have a much stronger stomach.

Amazingly enough...

Porny Jessica Simpson had nothing to do with it!

Porny’s ex Tony Romo married Candice Crawford, Chace’s sister, in May. This the TRAILER for their WEDDING VIDEO.

Let me repeat that.

It’s not the wedding video. It’s the TRAILER for the wedding video.

Please...

Help me because I will never understand.

He’s the athlete, right? He’s the Cowboys’ QB1? Because to me, the way he’s delivering his vows, I could swear he’s a failed actor. Are you kidding me Dallas? THIS, this is your guy? The groom at the FAKEST wedding EVER???

And no, don’t put this on her. Don’t put this on the girl. You can put half on the girl, but you have to allow the other half on him. Look at him. He is all over this. He knows all about this. He had his comments memorised for a month. He hired a goddamn acting coach to say them properly. He knew how this sh-t would be lit, he knew how it would be shot, he knew it ALL.

What’s even crazier...

There’s MORE???

At the end, that’s what it says: Coming Soon. Like this was just a preview. Like there’s a full length, full service option that they’re making us wait for. Errrrmmm... and then what? Another Coldplay song? If I were Coldplay I would sue.

You know what they were going for? What Coco Rocha did last year. I guess this is the thing now. Which... I mean is it the same? Here. You compare. You know, it’s one thing when it’s a Supermodel. It becomes something else when it filters down to the masses. Clearly.

But... it wouldn’t be so gross if there was something, something authentic about what we are seeing. Charm and genuine emotion always trumps cheesy. I’ve been to a cheesy wedding. And was won over by the pure affection and emotion between the bride and the groom. This. Is not that.