may the scorpion of bad karma find its way into your back passage

EDIT :: apparently dom got this email twice today as well. so we have our own battle of the bulge going on...

it's been a while since i received any noteworthy spam, but this morning, something made it through all my filters and landed front and centre in my inbox, so as i was sipping my morning coffee and enjoying a hard-earned day off, i was confronted with the subject line no person ever wants to see:

"Being overweight is a terrible thing. We can help you!"
well thanks for that notice. being overweight does actually have a lot of undesirable side effects and can cause long-term health damage if you don't get it under control. but i don't know who the hell you are and i'm pretty sure i've never met you, so it's a little bit douche-y of you to just go into a conversation with your mind made up that i'm overweight. sure, i've been trying to shed a few pounds. but that's my thing. i don't need commentary from the peanut gallery.

nonetheless, since i was spam-starved, i decided to check out what "FixMyBody Daily" had to say to me. i mean, even douche-nozzles can sometimes help you, right?

"Another pants get too tight to wear and you suffer from the very thought of going to the shop in search of gigantic clothes to cover your overweight body."

ok, the grammatical disaster that starts things out is just not something i can deal with before i'm fully caffeinated. if you're going to speak to me early in the morning, your subject-verb agreement needs to be up to snuff. but once i got beyond that, i the full force of the insults started to hit me. you suffer from the very thought of going to the shop in search of gigantic clothes to cover your overweight body? seriously? exactly how big do these people think i am?

admittedly a good bright season outfit

i have a waist people. and what marketing genius thought that heaping shame upon the target market was such an ace strategy. "hey, stay-puft, why don't you take a couple more antidepressants so you can stand yourself long enough to finish reading this email?"and yet somehow i found the fortitude to continue...

"It is not your personal problem. Hundreds of obese people hate to see their looks in the mirror but they are not able to get back to normal with a traditional "gym-and-diet" approach."

so i'm no longer overweight. in the space of nine words, i've become obese. i'm gaining weight every second i'm wasting reading this email.

why bother with clothes at all?

but there's more!

"You need something that really works, a formula that will suppress your appetite and give you a real chance to lose at least a dozen of kilograms a month."

so apparently, i'm gaining weight at such an alarming pace that scientifically proven methods of weight reduction are too slow. i need to hook myself up to some kind of shop-vac stomach pump or i'm going to start absorbing the neighbours like the blob. lives are at risk here. i need to lose at least a dozen kilograms a month. for those of you who haven't quite made it to the metric system yet, that's close to twenty pounds. look, i'm five foot two. to lose twenty pounds in a month, i'd need to amputate a leg. and go on a juice fast. but apparently things are more desperate than i thought, because over the course of the day, i received this alarming email three more times. by the time you read this, i'll probably be dead because my obese body in its gigantic clothes has squeezed all the oxygen out of our apartment. but on the off chance i've survived, i'd like whoever is responsible for sending those emails to know that i will shove an angry scorpion up their wazoo if i ever get half a chance.

en garde, bitches.

until then, eat healthy, be as active as you can manage and upgrade your spam filters.

Comments

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