I’m Ready to Take Down The Patriarchy, As Soon As I Figure Out Who Stole My Fucking Hair Tie

SHARE:

Women—it’s time to come together to make a change. We are here, alive in the year 2015, and we still live in a society controlled by the straight white male. Not only is the patriarchy thriving—it’s tightening its grip over us. I cannot stand for this any longer. We must fight. The downfall of the oppressive state is necessary for the liberation of all women. I have committed my life to taking down this obscene patriarchy, as soon as I find my fucking hair tie because I swear to God I just had it and my hair is making me nuts right now.

The most visible instance of female subjugation comes from the media’s portrayal of an unrealistic standard of beauty for women. Why should they get to decide what’s beautiful? We should all be able to feel comfortable in our own skin—body positivity is the first step to destroying the patriarchy. The minute I find my hair tie, I’m going to pull together a quick ponytail and get to work.

Not that there’s anything wrong with having a wild and unrestrained mane, but it’s just easier to obliterate male hegemony when my hair is contained in one area and out of my face. This is why the “Find My Fucking Hair Tie ASAP Before More Hair Gets In My Mouth” initiative is so imperative.

And let’s not even get started on the wage gap. What gives men the right to make more money than women? The 33 fewer cents I’m getting paid is hitting my hair tie budget hard, so I should really focus on getting this one back. Seriously, where did it even go? I know I gave one to Lisa a couple of nights ago when she was puking her guts into my toilet, but I definitely recall having an extra. I always have an extra, except for right now. What the eff?

The opposition against Planned Parenthood is disgusting. We need to support the right for women to have access to healthcare, especially in low-income communities. We are in control of our own bodies—we reserve the right to take birth control or get an abortion, and no one can take that away. As a woman, I have the right to an abortion, along with a complimentary hair tie in the case that I lose my original hair tie. Does Planned Parenthood have hair ties? No? That’s a real fucking oversight on everyone’s part. The war between the patriarchy and I will remain at a stalemate until this pressing issue is resolved. My neck is legit injured from tossing my hair out of my face right now. I deserve better!

In this fight, we cannot forget women of color, who are hurt even more by the patriarchal standards of society. In addition to being denied the basic rights given to men, we women of color have to push against racial and socioeconomic inequality while also having different hair than white people, which can affect what sort of hair ties we want, which makes it even freaking worse when we lose them, especially when they were right here a minute ago. Holy shitting hell where is that thing?

I am going to shave my head at this point because I really cannot live sans-hair tie for much longer. Also, straight white men can suck it. Also, has anybody seen my Chapstick?