When You Find That on Your Husband’s Phone

It’s the conference season, so we’re all over the place speaking and talking to people. It’s an honor to hear their stories and to be invited into their lives. It’s also heartbreaking, sometimes. We think the hardest part is talking to those whose marriages are in trouble. The grief is palpable. They look broken, injured, hurt.

Many of these stories start the same: A crying wife tells us she found out her husband was using porn. What comes next varies, but it usually ends with a marriage broken or in trouble. That’s no surprise, since porn use is adultery. Yes, it is. The Lord said in Matthew 5:27-28, “You have heard that it was said to those of old,You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” That’s not debatable, it’s not opinion, it’s the Word of God. Looking with lust is a sin against God, breaking one of the Ten Commandments, and it is a sin that attacks the very heart of your marriage.

So, what do you do? How do you respond if you find out your husband’s been watching porn?

First, stop and pray. Take the time to remember that we are ALL sinners, every one. “For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” It hurts. You feel betrayed. But, at the root, this is a sin against God like all others.

Read this. It’s called Porn and Your Husband and it’s from our friends at Covenant Eyes, the internet accountability people. They deal with this every day. This resource will help you to understand that your husband’s sin is not your fault, but that he’s going to need your help to get out of it and to restore your marriage. It’s a great road map to figuring out how to respond now and in the weeks to come.

Think through your goal. You’re probably furious. It’s understandable, that’s for sure, but James 1 tells us, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” If our anger doesn’t work righteousness, we’ve got to find another way to respond, something else to do, other than just lash out at our mate. It’s tempting to just walk (or run!) away, but, especially if you have children, you’ve got to think through the consequences. Here’s an Open Letter to Parents Considering Divorce we wrote that you might want to read. Ultimately, the goal should be repentance and restoration, but you can’t do that alone!

Speak the truth in love. You need to confront your husband with his sin. You may be tempted to scream and holler and throw things. Honestly, we would be, too. Back to that verse in James, though. Can’t do it. The Word of God tells us our anger won’t work. Instead, we suggest you approach him in sorrow and humility, “Honey, I really, really love you. That’s why this upsets me so much. I’ve found out that you are watching porn on the internet. The Lord says, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” I am hurt and I feel betrayed. I’m worried about you, too. Adultery is one of the Ten Commandments. I don’t want you to be in sin against God. How can I help you stop this? I want to save our marriage!”

Be prepared for lies, deception, and accusations. Sex is private anyway. Add in: “men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil,” and you have a recipe for deceit. Suggest that if it’s not true, that you put some accountability on all the internet devices in the family so you can find out what is happening (It may actually be your child, even a young one. People are writing us about 7-9 year olds found on porn!) We use Covenant Eyes. You can try it for a month free if you use our link. And really, whether or not you have a problem in the house, you need some accountability on the internet.

Let go of undeserved guilt and shrug off accusations.Hear us: This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. There is no excuse for sin. Even if you have sinned against your husband, that does not excuse his sin in any way. And you probably didn’t. Porn use causes a dopamine cycle addiction similar to that of a heroin addict or alcoholic. If you offer an alcoholic a delicious glass of milk, it’s not going to keep him from going for the liquor, no matter how satisfying and nutritious the milk is. He needs to repent so he can begin to enjoy what God has created for him to enjoy again.

Be as understanding as you can manage. Porn users can experience impotence and sexual dysfunction that can trash a guy’s self-esteem. He’s going to need a lot of encouragement to break this sin and addiction. That’s a LOT to ask for someone whose self-esteem has been trashed by the whole thing, too, but God can give us amazing grace. Ask Him for help. And know you have our utmost respect for fighting for your marriage!

Get help. Go to the pastors/elders of your church or ask an older, godly couple for help. Your husband needs accountability beyond you. If you don’t get help from the first people you approach, keep looking. Some people are dealing with their own sin and can’t help you. Find someone who can.

Have hope. We know couples that have beat this, even when it’s gone to physical adultery. With true repentence and a lot of love and forgiveness, it’s possible not just to get your marriage back, but to build a better one. Remember, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:8-9) Jesus’ blood covers this, too. And He can “restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.”

Please, Lord, bring the sinner to repentance and give grace for forgiveness to their mate. Please restore this marriage.

7 responses to “When You Find That on Your Husband’s Phone”

I agree porn use is wrong. But what do you tell a man whose wife hasn’t slept with him in a couple years and constantly belittles him. But then, when he finally “strays” with porn, she acts hurt. Isn’t neglect a sin also? I know many many men who are living lives of quiet desperation. They get no love, no affection, no respect, and so on, but once they finally break they catch no end of heck. Just my two cents. Great article.

She’s in sin, too! The Word says, “Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan’s temptation because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5

A couple in this situation needs some serious counsel from someone willing to call them both out. They both would need to repent.

Maybe we’ll do a blog post about that part of the problem one day soon. We do discuss it in our book.

As a man who has lost to the battle of lust and finally won, it is unbiblical to blame my sin on anyone else! Besides that I would be ashamed to admit that I can only follow Christ under ideal circumstances. Christ does not promise us a easy life as we follow Him but He does promise to be with us allways.

My husband was using porn shortly after we married. It broke my then 21 year old heart. I begged him not to continue. Over the next 25 years, he went from porn to emotional affairs to physical affairs. He claims to be a Christian. I have prayed, read so many books, sought counseling-both individual and couples, been to conferences, begged deacons and elders to step in and hold him accountable. We have been separated in house for a year after discovering yet more infidelity. I know this is not my fault, but seeing the devastating effects to my children and his I repentance is horrible. And to see church leaders tell him the Gods grace is greater that his sin (which is true, but) and giving him a thumbs up instead of sitting him down, going through scripture so he knows these things are wrong, and holding his feet to the fire requiring accountability makes it worse. We have a serious problem in the church of not wanting to get involved/overlooking serious unrepentant sin. To my knowledge, Paul called us to require accountability and call out our brothers who are flagrantly sinning. I know it’s up to him to change, but I feel that if there was some serious accountability or repercussions he would be more inclined to make a decision to change. With guys who invite him to dinner and then discuss sports and say, it’s ok buddy, God loves you no matter what, there is no impetus for change. He believes he will enter the gates of glory, but the Bible clearly states he will not. This whole situation breaks my heart.

Amy, I am so, so sorry! You are entirely right. It’s the responsibility of the leaders of your church to hold him accountable and to exercise church discipline if he continues in sin. I hate it for you that they aren’t doing that. Praying for you!

My husband went to prison at 24 and was released at 46 years old. He is constantly watching porn, a recovering alcoholic, have committed adultery, and always deceptive. I have not stepped outside my marriage because my fear of God. He is also impotent and masturbate when I am not around. What can I do? I am almost at the end of my rope.

I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation! Do you have a church home? I would go to your pastors/elders for help first. Biblically, adultery is a valid reason for divorce, should you choose to go that way. If not, I would lovingly and gently confront him with his sin, if you haven’t, and then keep praying like mad. God can change hearts. You do not have to live with adultery or abuse, though. You can get yourself and your children out of that situation, even if just temporarily, to protect yourself, and perhaps motivate him to repent. I know none of these possibilities is easy and I’m sorry. I’m praying for you!