The Final Solution to Dry Spells

Dry spells happen to the best of us. And to the rest of us, they happen all the time. Hey, your whole life might be one, long dry spell, with only a few rainy seasons. It’s natural to feel like killing yourself if you’ve gone a month without smelling pussy, but I have a solution, a Final Solution, if you will. If dry spells were the Jews, this one solution would be like a successful Hitler.

It’s all about masturbation—specifically, you probably jerk off too much.

The science on masturbation is a mixed bag. Some studies say it increases testosterone, others say it decreases testosterone. Some say it’s good for prostate health, others say it causes OCD. It’s no surprise. Scientists are glorified bloggers, and they’ll do anything to get the word “masturbation” into the title of a research paper, no matter what the paper actually accomplishes.

Besides, it’s silly to think you can control for all the factors that influence testosterone levels. If a few of the subjects glanced at a chick’s cleavage before getting their testosterone levels measured, it would totally throw off the study. This is why I always stare at girls’ asses on the elliptical machines before lifting weights.

But my theory about ending dry spells isn’t about science. This is about personal experience and the power of psychological suggestion.

I doubt jerking off drains you of any mystical power, or anything someone from Sedona would say. But think about it this way: What if you promised yourself the next time jizz came from your penis (wet dreams excluded) it would be on a set of boobs?

I’m sure you would figure out a way to get it done, like when you went Thomas Crown Affair in high school and stole beer from the neighbor’s garage.

In other words, self-abstinence has less to do with your energy, and more to do with putting yourself in the correct psychological mindset for success. When you vow to stop touching your penis until a chick touches your penis, a few things start to happen:

You find yourself leaving your apartment more often and figuring out where you need to go to meet girls you will like.

You find yourself talking to girls without even thinking about it. I’ve been three lines into a conversation before I’ve even registered what a girl looks like.

Every girl starts to look like a walking cum dumpster (a term, like “slut,” I only use affectionately—if a dumpster didn’t have anything in it, then it wouldn’t be doing its job).

You stop judging chicks on how they look and naturally align with the male’s preset binary rating system. You won’t care so much about getting the hottest chick possible because you’ll be more concerned with having sex with a good-enough girl because who cares?

And finally, speaking from my experience and from talking with other guys about this, when you make this self-abstinence promise, you’re better at talking to girls. You’re less interested in saying the right thing and more interested with the only thing that matters—saying something. You’re more interested in getting to know her and appreciate her. When it’s time to make your move, you make it as if every one of your male ancestors has successfully made that move. Your body feels the urge of what needs to be done from previously untapped wells of psychic desperation, and your behavior unconsciously changes accordingly.

Even if you look like the Elephant Man you’ll barely go three weeks before having sex.

I know this isn’t scientific, but unlike all the other articles out there on masturbation, at least I’m not trying to be. (Not that I could be, anyway. We’re talking about sex here, which is no more logical than girls.) Instead of a scientist, I’m like your older brother who sits down next to you as you’re slumped over on your bed, puts his hand on your shoulder, and offers some wisdom and encouragement: “Dude, keep your hands above your equator, let your body do what it’s supposed to do, and everything’s going to be okay. Also, you’re a homo.”

Then, once you spew on some boobs, you can go back to spewing on your keyboard if you so choose. At least then it won’t be as depressing.