New developments in the Jessica Simpson Baby Weight Saga! In a completely false plot twist, we’re now confronted with a delicious lady vendetta to add to those baby weight updates. According to complete nonsense, Jessica is in a massive baby weight shedding competition with Vanessa Lachey! And nothing smells stronger of sexist fiction than the words “baby weight showdown!”

Gossip Cop has sniffed out the origins of such an utterly contrived plot, described by The National Enquirer as “ a calorie-counting throw-down between Nick Lachey’s ex Jessica Simpson and his current wife Vanessa Minnillo!” The outlet has determined the story to be completely false which even I could have assured you given these giggle-inducing details:

According to the tabloid, “The new moms are locked in a heavyweight battle over who will be the first to fit into a bikini.”

“Jessica is still struggling to drop her baby weight, and Vanessa has vowed to lose the extra pounds before she does,” a so-called “source” tells the Enquirer.

The mag’s insider explains, “Vanessa is very competitive. Not only does she want Nick to know he made the right choice when he married her, but she knows it will drive Jessica insane to see her flaunting her sexy post-baby body.”

Honestly, I could laugh for days over this whole “first to fit into a bikini” business as well as Vanessa affirming her husband’s “right choice” by getting a smokin’ post-baby body? While this description keeps so consistently with how tabloids like to portray women (i.e. vapid, sex hungry airheads who will do anything to keep their mans), it’s the alliterative “calorie-counting throw-down” that has me rolling my eyes.

Women in this industry are no doubt well aware of the importance of keeping themselves in line with conventional beauty standards. But this particular and flagrant gem by The National Enquirer exhibits the cultural need to lock women — especially mothers — into “cat fights,” “battles,” and “showdowns” — and all over their appearance. The cultural tendency, as reflected in these narratives that so often define our pop culture, once again reduces ladies to being valued on the way they look, despite other accomplishments like a partnership, children, and a lucrative career. You still aren’t anything if you don’t have a “sexy post-baby body” to flaunt in front of your husband’s ex like the eight grader you actually are.

Such storylines aren’t only completely laughable, and therefore endlessly entertaining. They’re also incredibly condescending. And therefore laughable all over again.

The day that Jessica Simpson wants to openly challenge Vanessa Lachey to a record-selling competition or duke it out over net worth or annual earnings, I’ll be right there choosing sides, regardless of if the story is true or not. But as far as fictitious “baby weight showdowns” go, the rag is clearly running on purely sexist fumes.