Bachelor in Paradise hookup recap: Week 2

Welcome to week two of Bachelor in Paradise, rose lovers! So much to discuss — dancing vaginas, the first rose ceremony, and Colton’s endless capacity for self-sabotage. Let’s get to it!

Colton and Tia and Chris
After getting a talking-to from Chris, Jordan, and Nick, Colton tells the guys that he’s “exploring other options” in Paradise… even though he’s still in love with Becca. Naturally, that’s the exact opposite of what Tia thinks is happening. “My feelings really haven’t changed,” she says. “This could be the be the start of an amazing relationship.” (And yes, Astrid, Tia says her vagina did dance a little when Colton kissed her.)

Cut to a few hours later, when Tia sees Colton playing a game of flirty football with Angela — and Paradise hath no fury like a woman ignored. Colton better “get his s*** together” and fast, says Tia, or else her rose will wind up on Chris’ sweaty chest. During the cocktail party, she sits Colton down on the daybed and asks for a status report: Are they, like, a thing — or is she just his break glass in case of emergency backup? “I’m trying to stay transparent with you,” he says. “I came on this beach to be selfish and to figure out what I want… I feel like I owe it to myself to explore what I want with other people, too.” You can imagine how well that goes over with Tia.

ABC

Honestly, Colton could not be any clearer, but Tia keeps pressing him: Wouldn’t it bother him just a teeny-tiny bit to see her flirting with other guys? “Nope.” Oof. Embarrassed and angry, Tia declares that she will no longer allow herself to wait around for a man to decide her worth — instead, she’s gonna try to pressure Colton into saying he likes her by threatening to take away his free Mexican vacation: “Nobody else here is gonna give you a rose.”

Colton refuses to lead Tia on for the sake of extending his stay in Paradise. In an effort to get a rose, he heads back to the cocktail party and “steals” Angela for a last-ditch chat. But she’s got concerns: A few days ago Colton was professing his love to Becca — how could he possibly be ready to fake fall for someone again so quickly?

It’s a reasonable question, but Colton prefers to place all the blame for his predicament on Chris, Jordan, and Nick for talking smack about him to the “ladies.” This leads to a vaguely tense conversation with those guys by the bar, notable only for the moment Nick calls Colton’s romantic history the “white elephant in the room.” (So close, you blonde buffoon.)

In the end, Tia gives Chris her rose… and it’s a move she will come to regret.

Kenny and Krystal and Chris
Kenny gets the date card and asks the Glitter Queen to accompany him. Team Paradise sends the duo on a date to a Lucha Libre match, where Kenny the pro wrestler was able to defend Krystal’s honor while showing off some of his sweet moves.

ABC

“It was beautiful!” says Krystal, who feels a special bond with Kenny because they’ve both suffered through the two-on-one experience. Though Kenny deserves better than Krystal, I’m glad he gets her rose. (Next: Who moved Kenny’s cheese?)