You Are What You Read: Legs Wide Open…Eyes Wide Shut

*clutches chest and gazes to the heavens*

Why OH WHY must ya’ll make me act a fool like this?

I was chillin’….I really was. Had stepped back from the blog scene for a sec, meditated, sought counsel, the whole nine. But nooooooo, every time I try to get out, you all do some dumb shyt that keeps bringing me back in. El Jugo is effectively the Michael Corleone of the ratchet blogosphere.

So here’s my dilemma:

I have a brain trust of feminine commentary that I turn to when utterly perplexed by the shyt women do. This distinguished sorority of sistas lends me an everyday perspective on things that I, as a man, may be oblivious to. They keep me from acting entirely on my impulses without first seeking a more enlightened perspective. So, I’ve been seeing some crazy shyt and I text these chicks today.

Question: What type of inferences can I draw from a chick reading, IN PUBLIC, one of those urban-erotica Zane-screw me hard on the desk of my supervisor so the security guard who’s been trying to get on can see-type books?

[Disclaimer: before we confirm or deny whether El Jugo’s impulse is correct, let’s take a moment to analyze the Think Tank’s commentary. Names changed to protect the innocent]

Giselle N.: “I’m just sayin…she can’t say she’s reading it for the book club. Chile please, cover up.” El Jugo’s sentiments exactly! This is the equivalent of literary porn. Granted, we at The Ninja Parade, encourage all women to thoroughly explore their inner freak, but damn babygril. What type of attention are you soliciting?? Did you not notice me noticing you as your thighs rub together about some chick getting d!cked down in the shower? Quit crossing your legs and read some damn Chaucer.

Janet E.: “If I were a guy, I would talk to them simply because they feel free enough to read a sex book in public, what else is she willing to do in public?”Great. fcuking. questing. Janet. Although I don’t think anyone deserves to be disrespected, regardless of her choice of reading materials…I do wholeheartedly reserve the right to discreetly think you’re a freak on the prowl. What one reads is probably more indicative of their interests than what he or she listens to or watches on television. Anyone can watch some random shyt on tv or get stupid song stuck in their head….but how many people reeeally read very graphic sexual exploits and aren’t at the least mildly interested in acting some of that shyt out? *crickets*

Pristina W.: “I’m all for women being comfortable in their sexuality…perhaps a sista should get a Kindle”You see, everybody has a lil El Jugo in ’em. I’m not saying you shouldn’t read erotica and touch yourself, but El Jugo gets offended at the suggestion that men shouldn’t draw conclusions about what’s in plain view. You have a right to read whatever you want, just like i/we have a right to think whatever we want about it. And if you can’t put that shyt down and MUST take it everywhere….damn, get a Kindle. *Hi-five’s Pristina*

Anna N.: “I mean maybe they just need some excitement in their lives. In my opinion women who read those books are not sexually fulfilled.” Couldn’t agree more. Not being fulfilled doesn’t entirely mean you’re not getting ANY…it means you’re not getting broke off by the shockingly intelligent dude who fixes your car on a late evening while your lackluster man gives you regular sex…ya know, the type of shyt that happens in the books. Funny thing is, the guy that fixes your car probably hits on you every time and you don’t give him a blink. Grow up and act that shyt out then…or at least leave a copy of that freaky shyt on your front seat next time famo changes your oil.

Cynthia B.: “They want to seem sexually empowered but are actually thirsty as hell.” Damn, exposed. Intellectualism, even feigned intellectualism cant hide true thirst. And *leans in and whispers* it be them smarty art heaux that’s the most goin’. Bish we see you. And it’s not like this stuff is written in any way to suggest a true challenge of your scope of imagination…it’s designed to make you hot ‘n bothered. Whereas some guys may see a book (any book) and think “scholar”…El Jugo checks the title and thinks “runner”.

Londa G. “I also think women who read those books don’t practice discretion.” Wait…so not only are you thirsty, you messy too?? WTF ever happened to reading hair magazines?

See. I told you. El Jugo knows when a chick is, as one respondent eloquently stated, putting together a “marketing plan for the box”. But don’t let our commentary discourage you…it fact, let the transparency be what motivates you.