For a first week of questions you guys really did not waste any time. Of course, when we are experiencing pain, time is of the essence, right!

In thinking about which direction to go in my response, I tried to think about one of the issues brought up that may affect the most people. I just spent some time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday, as I am sure many of you did, which of course is a whole other topic, right? So who is going to give me counsel on that one?

But, here is a point that I know so many people deal with. I am not going to focus on the biblical/theological issues dealing with re-marriage. That is a very lengthy conversation and one that has much disagreement within the Christian church. In fact, if you ask most pastors, they will be hard pressed to put their true beliefs on paper, and many of them will tell you it is not the issue of divorce that is difficult, it is the issue of re-marriage.

But I digress. 🙂 The issue for this response is dealing with the kids from previous marriages. This is extremely difficult whether the kids are young, or if the kids are grown.

I think my primary principle is two-fold. When you choose to re-marry, you have a new husband/wife. The principle in Genesis is that a man should leave his mother and father and the two shall become one flesh. Marriage is a new union of two becoming one. This is why the issue of re-marriage is so difficult, and in my belief another in a very long line of reasons why God intended and designed for one marriage, one husband and one wife. However, even in the issue of the death of a spouse where there is no theological problem related to ‘is it okay to remarry’, the issue of the kids is still very much an issue.

First principle: If God called you into a marriage, then you need to be committed to God first, then to your spouse, then to your family. Now, I know this is very difficult. But, each person did decide to get married, and with that comes ‘opportunities’ to be faithful to God and our commitment. The real issue in many folks situation is that the person we choose to re marry is not submitting themselves to God and therefore they can cause more problems than they should. These are signs that we should look for diligently prior to getting married or re-married.

You will continue to hear me say over and over again, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But, of course God’s forgiveness is for all of us because we all need the greatest ‘Cure’ of all time, Him. So, any husband or wife dealing with a difficult spouse on any issue, pray diligently for them.

In another blog we posted, Mark Driscoll makes the statement to ‘invite’ your spouse, don’t nag your spouse. I suggest mustering the most patient, kind and courageous attitude, after much prayer, and trying to get an honest dialogue going with your spouse about how you really feel. Not emotional, no ‘angry words’ or ‘tones’, but an honest, calm discussion. No ultimatums, no expectations of immediate relief or change, but an honest dialogue that allows room for God to change both you and your spouse’s heart.

Much of the angst that fills our heart and mind on these issues is that “I just wish I could fix it right away,” it is the sense of being out of control. Well, guess what, we are not in control of anyone, other than ourselves, and the only control we have is to submit to God and live one day at a time.

My second principle is your kids are your kids. It is always a delicate balance and one that takes much time, self-control, brave communication and trust to guide us through this journey. Again, the issues of dealing with the kids in any situation, re-marriage, grandkids, are very present and real.

The balance from kids becoming their own families and the right level of involvement are things that must be worked out together and over time, and they will change over time. Of course in all of our families, we all have dysfunction. Humans are dysfunctional. Our goal should be each day by God’s grace and power, to be brave and continue our own personal growth and asking the Lord to lead us to make better decisions and leave the results to Him.

So, for all of us and our families, let’s make a start today to: Get quiet and Pray, be brave and to have calm and honest discussions, and leave results to God. Some of you have tried this, others have not, but again, we all have to live with decisions we have made and trust an all loving and powerful God to work first in our lives, and then in our spouse or kids or grandkids.

Back in the early 1980s, my wife, Teresa, and I were in Oklahoma City where I had been invited to conduct a wedding ceremony. The morning after the wedding, I went out for a jog. It was hot and humid, and by the time I finished my run, my t-shirt was soaked with sweat. I came back into our motel room, stripped off my t-shirt, and threw it in a nearby paper bag—which is obviously where I thought such a garment ought to go. My wife reacted instantly without thinking.

She whopped me with her hand on across the middle of my back and said, “Don’t do that!” Bam! I was stunned by her reaction and just as quickly turned and said sharply, “Cut that out!” My harsh words caused tears to well up in her eyes immediately. I felt wronged, and she felt wronged by being yelled at. I didn’t know that she had put a new dress that she was sewing into that paper bag, and she didn’t know that I didn’t know that I didn’t know.

And there we were, just hours after my performing a ceremony of holy matrimony, getting into our car and driving toward Texarkana in angry silence. We drove five hours without a word between us, and then neither of us could stand the silence any longer. We began to communicate about what had really happened and why each had felt wronged. By the time we finally arrived at our destination, we had forgiven each other and were ready to kiss and make up.

All couples fight. Good couples fight clean. Bad couples fight dirty.

Good marital conflict leads to resolution and greater closeness. Bad marital conflict presses for victory, which leads to alienation and the potential for revenge.

Stayed tuned over the next several weeks as we discuss conflict and how to resolve it within your relationship

My Question For You:

What kind of conflict do you have in your relationship? Do you fight clean or dirty?

My Challenge For You:

The next time conflict arises in your relationship, think about whether you are pressing for a victory or for resolution.

A very important aspect of a truly good marriage is that a couple bring out the best in each other, each person being the type of person he or she would also like to be. Your spouse should be one of your heroes!

It is up to a spouse to determine what type of emotional “nourishment” will be given in a marriage. Will you feed your mate unkind words, bitterness or negativity? Or will you feed your mate encouragement, value and genuine compliments? In this case, it is often true that you give what you get. Someone who receives bitterness and negativity will likely express bitterness and negativity to others. Likewise, someone who receives unconditional love and appreciation is likely to give the same to others. – Tommy Nelson Song of Solomon

In the Song of Solomon, Solomon refers to their bedroom as En Gedi. En Gedi was this picture you see just taken by Mark Driscoll on his recent trip to Israel.

So, what is En Gedi?

En-Gedi is a lush oasis in the midst of the desert wilderness on the southwestern shore of the Dead Sea. The surrounding region is hot and bleak; its dry sands extend monotonously for miles. The Dead Sea region is a salty desert covered with a dusty haze and characterized by almost unbearable heat during most of the year. The lush oasis of En-Gedi is the only sign of greenery or life for miles around. It stands out as a surprising contrast to the bleak, dry desert wilderness around it. In the midst of this bleak desert wilderness is the lush oasis in which indescribable beauty is found. The lush oasis and waterfall brings welcome relief and refreshment to the weary desert traveler. (Taken from www.bible.org)

This concept and principle in SOS and a major feature of Mark Driscoll’s presentation in Austin on October 2-3, 2009 is absolutely one of my favorites. Every week and even everyday it seems, there may be some very difficult news, sad news, or even painful news that comes our way. If our relationship with our spouse is one of those “difficult things” then life becomes even more stressful and hard to deal with.

Making your bedroom En Gedi is of the utmost importance. Your bedroom is not only for intimacy, but it is for all the talking, relaxing, sharing your day, sharing your soul, resting, reading, and all of the inner soul things that we need as individuals and couples in order to experience intimacy.

Song of Solomon refers to “keeping the foxes” out of the vineyard. What are some of the foxes that might steal true En Gedi from your bedroom?

The first ten people to post a ‘fox’ or comment will receive a free ticket to hear Mark & Grace Driscoll in Austin. Don’t live in Austin? Win a ticket and come to the coolest city in Texas. Can’t do that? Win a ticket and find a friend on Facebook who lives in Texas:) and share the ticket.

I talked with Mark this week and he is fired up to be in the Lonestar state on Oct. 2-3. In fact, I tell him if Seattle was not his home base, Austin is the warm weather version of Seattle. Both cities are extremely cool, have a great vibe, beautiful and plenty of folks who love Jesus and even more who need Jesus.

Mark and Grace have just spent about three weeks in Greece, Turkey and Israel and have had the opportunity to visit some of the actual places that are mentioned in Song of Solomon. So, needless to say, they are pumped and more than ready to share their hearts and wisdom with all of us about enjoying this amazing God given relationship called marriage.

So now it is your turn. What would you like to say to Mark and Grace to let them know more about Austin, H=how you are praying for them, or any cool insights from the coolest city in Texas…

On October 2-3 Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace will be teaching the Live Song of Solomon Conference in Austin at Hill Country Bible Church. Mark’s presentation of the message is honest, funny, redeeming and very practical. Here is what Kerry from Missouri said about Mark and SOS: “I found it to be incredibly informative and understandable and relatable. Oh, and he’s hilarious!”

That is just one of the 2500 folks who attended the weekend. The Song of Solomon conference is designed for college students, yes, there’s only about 40,000 of them in the area, and they all need it 🙂 and it is great for married and single adults.

At this location, we have the joy of having Grace join with Mark. We will have a Q & A session at the end of Friday night and at the end of Saturday morning. On Saturday Grace will be joining Mark on stage to give her perspective and share her heart on these issues.

I have been a part of over 100 Live SOS events and this is the first time we will have a wife participate on stage and give her thoughts on Song of Solomon. We are very excited about it and know the ladies/wives attending will be totally blessed. So great to get both a husband and wife’s perspective on these very felt needs and everyday issues.

So, get your mom or dad to watch the kids for the weekend, make a road trip out of it and come join Mark & Grace Driscoll for an inspiring and relationship changing 6 hours!

Wow, last week was an interesting one. For those of us who have been blessed by the teaching of The Word by Tommy Nelson, many of you have heard already, but some have not. Last Tuesday, July 28th about 10:10AM at Denton Bible Church, Tommy had a major heart attack. He was in a counseling appointment, which is another story, and what a day that man had, as Tommy looked at him 7 minutes in and said ‘friend, I think I am having a heart attack.’ I am surprised that guy did not have one as well.

The long and short of it all is that within 28 minutes of the 911 phone call Tommy’s blocked artery was opened and blood was flowing normally. Later that day the young CEO of the hospital and another life who had been blessed by his ministry, came by Tommy’s room and said, ‘we set a record on you today.’ That record was the 28 minutes from call to blood flow.

Tommy is feeling great and even worked out today for the first time since his heart attack, a whopping 6 days later. Tommy and Teresa Nelson are blessed people and they know it and we are grateful and blessed that God has spared his life.

We can all learn from this struggle. Just 15 minutes prior to Tommy’s heart attack, he was riding his scooter, his gas saver and fun ride machine, to the church. He did not have his cell phone with him, which as many of you know he despises most all technology, except for treadmills and movies. Had this happened while he was on his scooter only God knows the result. But guess what, God knew and knows Tommy’s ‘result’ from the beginning of time and He is never caught off guard.

God is in control. We are not. The sooner we surrender to that the more we can Rest in Him. Tommy is resting in God’s provision and providence, just another great lesson God has taught us thru him.

I am not opposed to change, I guess, maybe just a bit slow. We are calling the Summer of 09 the Summer of Change for us here at SOS Bible Resources. We have been using a software for our backoffice that has been a home grown tool for about 10 years and have been a bit ‘held captive’ by it.

Not Anymore! With the help of two amazing dudes, Rob ‘Airborne’ Baugh and Eddie ‘EZ’ Renz we are going for it. They have both been telling me for about 18 months, blog Doug, and I have said you got to be kidding me. See, not stupid, just slow.

So, here we go. Embracing technology and how it can change our lives for the better, and like any good thing, not for the worse. You do know the definition of addiction don’t you. If a little bit of something is good, then a little bit more is better, and if a little bit more is better than a lot more is even better and so on. So, blog, tweet, face, tube and then go ride your bike outside and spend time with your homies.

So, that’s enough for now, but here we Grow at SOS and thanks for growing with us.