The first wave is decently calm, only slightly pushing the sand up the shore.

The second wave gets a little more intense, disrupting the life underneith, digging holes in the sides of the rocks that dress the shore.

The third wave, now thats where things get intense. The third wave will crash so hard that what was once a shore will become a desolate waste land. Littered with debris and the life that once thrived there. Now, the third wave doesn’t come often and honestly, when it does the only thing that is truly affected is the first wave.

Over time the first wave will become smaller, less noticable. You will barely see it up close and you will never see it from afar. Soon, all that will be left is disruption and desolation.

Over the past 6 months I have, not only experienced things that have helped make me into a better person, but have also helped me take steps to work towards personal, emotional and mental success.

I decided, after Lord knows how long, to download the WordPress app again and share some of these experiences. Even if I may be the only one to read it.

First of all, this past summer was the first step in realizing life doesnt always have to be so mundane and repeditive; that good things are still possible. Now, I’m talking about the good things that would happen when I was younger and I’d practically be tearing open at the seams with pure joy. That kind of good.

Basically, what had happened was I managed to join a group of people set out to help local children and adults in the community, known as Keystone SMILES AmeriCorps and they provided me with the opportunity to be a counselor at a week long childrens summer camp for the first time.

Now for someone with pretty solid anxiety about trying new things and exiting my comfort zone I remained excited about this the entire way through and left camp with incredible experiences, great stories and a few good friends too. This experience actually managed to clarify what I wanted to do with my life, pertaining to my future career. Aka, a teacher!

This experience also led to a few more realizations for me. One of which being the fact that there is no way that I can remain happy without challenging myself and even more so, leaving my home. So, because of this I created a bucket list.

This list is scattered with plans for the time between now and the next 5 years but all of them play a pretty massive role in my life. Whether it be going to therapy, which I have my second appointment for tomorrow afternoon, or saving money. ($150.00 so far!)

I’m sure you all know by now that my confidence isn’t exactly sky high so to keep on the subject and maybe explain myself a little bit I’ve decided to tell you a story.

When I was a teenager, and continuously, I had suffered from depression. Being in Highschool where you unfortunately hear about your friends sexual endeavors I started feeling extremely depressed, lacking in confidence and unwanted. After my Junior year there was a plan set by my Mom to move back to our old house in town.

Upon learning that I developed a mindset of jealousy and decided then when going to this new school and having no one to talk to I atleast wanted someone I knew I could turn to.

I proceeded to download MyYearbook, now known as MeetMe. At 17 I started talking to a 27 year old man that we’ll call “Tom.” Tom and I talked for the entire summer and he expressed interest in me that I wasn’t used to even though I knew I wasn’t entirely interested in him in that way. Being totally inexperienced in any kind of “romantic” relationship I instead came up with the worst motto in History.

I definetly won’t be with anyone else so I myswell take what I can get.

Absolutely terrible.

Anyways, after school started he and I started talking about meeting. We both knew that we were only about 10 minutes, walking distance, away from one another so I explained that it would have to be after school and I needed to be back before 5:00pm. He agreed.

A month or two into the school year we met for the first time and it immediately was off to an uncomfortable start. The very first thing he initiated was sex and being innocent in this subject and having the motto that I had, “no” really didn’t come easily. Including when it came to him coming to my house with no intentions on my part to do anything sexual.

For reasons that I really can’t validate even 6 years later, this “relationship” continued although red flags weren’t scarce. First red flag being that he was violent. I never left with any bruises but I can recall multiple times when I was unable to breathe and verbally and physically expressed that I was in pain.

Even then it continued until he requested one last thing, which I will not mention here because of disgust, to which I promptly and loudly denied.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why exactly he was attracted to me and didn’t figure it out until about a month later when I received a text from him claiming to be a friend of his, requesting pictures of any of my “pregnant friends.”

So yeah, I’ll be honest. I’m a bit overweight. Apparently that was close enough for him and his “fetish.” Red. Flag.

I, of course, told him no then attempted to message him the next day explaining the situation to which he played off in a joking manner saying, “Ya, he’s like that. Ha ha.”

Now I can’t say I was positive at that point that he was pretending to be other people until his “friend” texted a few more times requesting the same thing then receiving a message on Facebook from a girl I had never heard of saying that she saw us together and would call the cops.

That of course scared the shit out of me because at the time my Mom worked at the Court House and knew every cop in the area. Scared or not I decided to do some research. I looked at her page which had zero pictures of her, zero posts but she was friends with over 200 people including some of my friends, all of which either were pregnant or had kids.

I ignored the texts I got from “Tom” and messaged some of my friends asking if they knew who she was. They all said no and that they had just gotten a request from her and accepted it.

I decided at this point to message Tom and not only explain the situation but also to call him out for trying to fuck with me because not only were these 2 situations highly unlikely but the main thing I noticed was that Tom, his “friend” and this girl all typed EXACTLY the same. Right down to the punctuation and spelling of different words.

That was when I told him that I was done speaking to him and that he needed to erase my number and forget me NOW.

For atleast 2 months afterwards he continued to text me pretending to be other people, begging for forgiveness and even went as far as to write my phone number in a local stores mens bathroom.

I finally convinced my Mom to let me change my number, explaining that apparently someone from school had gotten my number and wrote it in the bathroom which was causing me to be harassed.

Unfortunately I had somewhat forgotten that he knew were I lived and I had faith that he wouldn’t go as far as to show up at my house.

As I’m sure you suspect, I was wrong to put faith in Tom because one night when my Mom picked me up from work she handed me an unsealed letter in an envelope that was just marked “To Emily.” Then explained that she found it laying on the front porch.

I ignored the letter and spent the entire drive home trying to talk about anything except for that.

Once we got there I called a friend of mine that lived down the block, whom I had shared this ordeal with earlier in the year, and asked her to come up and read the letter because I couldnt. Once she got to my house she read the letter and reassured me that if my Mom had read it there wasn’t anything incriminating in there. I gave it a once over and immediately was pissed because this guy refused to take no as an answer.

He had written his number on the bottom so my friend and I called him and explained that I was done, he was harassing me and that I was .5 seconds away from calling the police on him. We then hung up before he could respond and waited.

He never sent a text, letter or called me again and I didnt see him for about 3 years until he casually came into the gas station where I was working at the time. Which was the most terrifying moment I had experienced in quite awhile but fortunately that was the last time I saw him.

That was my story. If you ever fear that you are in an abusive, stalking or uncomfortable position like this, don’t be like me and handle it yourself. Talk to someone, call the police if you need to. People will help you.

Main photo from LitHubwhich includes a book review of Caroline Kepnes books which touch on “Love VS. Stalking.”

When I go on a date with someone for some reason I always feel the need to ask them what they’re hopes and dreams are.

I ask them and they list it out for me then return the question. I always seem to have this elaborate 5 year plan ready to go.

Save my money, buy my first home, hopefully a new car somewhere along the way. To be in a good relationship, to be happy. It really doesn’t seem like alot.

But now that I think about it I would’ve had this dream when I was 18 as well which would now be almost 5 years ago. Since I think the only thing that has come true from that is being in a relationship I decided to instead make a list of 22 things I’ve learned in the last 5 years. Enjoy.

No one is in control of your life except for you.

You can’t expect anything to change by sitting and waiting.

It is NOT a good idea to fuck up your taxes. This goes along with the fact that if you’re in college and not paying towards your loans yet-you still need to file for school.

“Not every sexual encounter should make you feel like you were taken advantage of.” It really messes with your mental health.

Never take an overnight (nights) trip by yourself.

Always say what you mean.

Be an ear, you never know when someone may need it.

Don’t talk shit. Karma is not only a bitch but she’s also pretty quick to retaliate. Sorry karma.

EVERY choice you make effects you in the long run and you never know how it’ll work out but your chances are higher if your choices are good.

Denim shirts don’t look good on me. Tucked in or out its just bad.

Your time is precious. Don’t waste it on anyone that doesn’t want it.

Decluttering is an extremely useful form of therapy.

Don’t take anything for granted because you never know when you won’t have it anymore. With that being said, if you lose it-don’t dwell. All that hurts is you.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. You’ve spent your entire life figuring out who that is.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kept at arms length?

Close enough so they know you’re there but far enough that you’re just holding on by a thread.

Where going to visit is mostly going to end with you going home.

Where the closest thing you get to romantic was your first date and maybe a text or two.

Where everything else seems like a burden because you have to ask for it.

Where you sit here wondering when it’s going to end because you know it will eventually.

When you sit and wonder why you’re still doing it when you have a tattoo forever on your arm as a reminder of how enough you are.

Telling yourself that you’ve done this before and it wasn’t right then so why is it suddenly okay now.

Beating yourself up for letting it happen and getting played.

Made to think that you are important but only being given enough that only makes you somewhat question why the fuck you’re still sitting here.

What’s stopping you from leaving? You have your shoes on, you’re on your second ciggarette and your coat is on your lap but you’re still fucking sitting here. I wrote this blog about a week ago and at the time these were my thoughts. Since then I have built up the courage to share my concerns and figured everything out but I still wanted to post this as a reminder to myself since this has happened to me multiple times even though it doesn’t need to.

One day you will meet a girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down in front of everything that challenges the path she chose to take.

She will crumble into her hardships.
You will be dismayed.

One day you will meet the same girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down everything that challenges the path that she chose to take.

She will be resistant to struggle.
You will be enamored.

One day you will meet the girl again.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts into your life, floats almost.
You will watch her breakdown everything that challenges the path you chose to take.

She will be abetting.
You will be indebted.

One day a girl will meet you.
To this girl you will seem as if you drift through your day, float almost.
She will watch you rise above everyone that crosses the path you chose to take.

She will be enabling.
You will be apathetic.

One day you will meet a girl.
One day this girl will drift out of your life, float almost.
She will leave you discarded on the path you chose to take.