Managing for Results When Dealing with Difficult People

Because of the nature of construction and the parties involved,
disagreements and conflicts invariably arise that require the ability to deal
with issues, adversities, and sometimes difficult people so as to arrive at a
mutually acceptable outcome.

An interesting situation arose in one of the classes that I teach at the
University of California, Berkeley, that prompted this article. The particular
class is Management and Supervision: Systems, People, and Performance
Integration. It was the first session, and I was giving a general introduction
and overview of the course, discussing the prevailing state of performance
management (the world as it is) and how it can be different if it is managed
holistically (the world as it can be) by the people in the organization.

A number of students, in one way or another, described issues they were
having in dealing with superiors, coworkers, peers, partners, and trade
workers. This seemed to be a problem both internal to their organization as
well as when dealing with people working for other organizations. This brought
about a discussion of how best to deal with difficult people.

In Construction in Particular

In construction, it is common to end up in workgroups. The project staff may
have members with project responsibility while being a member of different
departments, such as procurement, scheduling, cost control, or accounting, to
name a few. In the case of subcontractors, their staffs will have to work
cooperatively with those of other subcontractors in collaborative workgroups to
further common (project) goals.

Due to the nature of the construction project delivery process, many of the
people we deal with do not work for our company. So we have to be able to get
them to work with us, and possibly with others, to get things done. There may
be situations, such as making adjustments to their work process; revising their
work sequence; modifying their operational plan; or complying with project
performance, quality, or safety requirements to accommodate the project's
overall progress, which these people may not be inclined to do. They may ignore
us at best or become belligerent at worst. They may seemingly have good reasons
for their negative stance, or they may just be people who are downright
difficult. These confrontations usually trigger an emotional response on the
part of both individuals. Our emotions drive us to our primal survival instinct
of fighting back and/or to defend ourselves. This generally leads to
escalation, polarization, and is counterproductive to "getting the job
done."

One thing to remember is that not all people are difficult just to be
difficult, though there are a few of those. People or employees may seem
difficult or may act that way simply because such a behavior has worked for
them in the past. That may be their fallback position in situations that they
may perceive as somehow detrimental or challenging to them, or they may think
that such behavior will be most effective in that particular situation to
achieve some particular end. So in a way, they are getting some form of reward
for their behavior from the resulting or expected consequences. One way to deal
with this sort of behavior is to make it "unrewarding" for them. This
generally will modify or extinguish that kind of behavior to some extent.

The people who may seem difficult to you may not see themselves as being
difficult at all. They may feel justified for taking the position they do. They
may not see the issue in the same context as you do. There may be a
misunderstanding resulting from the communication (see two of my previous
articles "The Role of
Communication in Effective Supervision," October 2014, and
"Communication
Insights for Supervision," November 2014). The person may have, or
think they have, a valid reason for their position. They may be under stress,
be reacting to pressures, have goals that are not completely aligned with those
of the project, or take issue with your position for some other reason. They
may deem their position more critical, more important, or justified. They may
feel disrespected, threatened, or anticipate suffering some negative outcome or
even a loss, and as a result, they respond emotionally rather than
rationally.

Five Rules for Dealing with Difficult People

Here are some rules that I've come up with to help those facing
difficult people and situations.

In dealing with seemingly difficult people, the first rule is not to take
things personally or allow it to affect the working relationships one has
with others. When disagreements are not quickly addressed and resolved, they
tend to create animosity. People who feel they have been treated unfairly may
end up holding grudges. Holding a grudge is like beating one's head
against a brick wall and fully expecting the other person to feel the pain.
Such a stance generally results in lose-lose outcomes—no one really comes out
a winner because negativity breeds more negativity, things generally tend to
escalate or deteriorate, and the situation generally only gets worse.
Aggressively trying to prevail in an argument may win the battle but
ultimately results in losing the war.

One of the habits in Stephen Covey's book, 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People, is, "seek first to understand, then to be
understood." This is the key to effective interpersonal communication:
you try to diagnose before you prescribe. When we respond emotionally and
attack other people, we hurt their feelings and elicit an emotional response
on their part. This understanding will give you a new perspective on
communication and foster switching from emotional to rational thinking again.
It may also help develop empathy for the other person and his or her
situation, thereby improving the chances of an amicable resolution to a
potentially difficult situation.

It is human nature to defend a position one has previously taken. The
underlying reason is that no one really wants to admit they have made a
mistake, as it might negatively reflect on them in some manner. But if we
continue to ignore the fact that we made a mistake or are wrong, we create
barriers to resolving the conflict. To overcome this, we need to impartially
listen to the other person's argument, understand his or her reasoning,
and admit we are wrong when it becomes clear that we are. If it is the other
person who is wrong, then we must try to steer the discussion out of the
emotional arena to a rational one, leading to a more constructive
situation.

Emotional responses to a person who is in a negative state or frame of
mind rarely result in a constructive or positive outcome. It will only
trigger anger, leading to escalation with deeper emotional reactions and
responses. The resulting investment of thought and energy in the defensive
stance hardens everyone's position, creating a downward spiral and
leading to a lose-lose scenario. This may also lead to holding a grudge,
which may impact the working relationship between parties for a long period
of time, if not permanently.

A side effect of negativity is that it tends to color our outlook, which
is not limited to that specific issue, situation, or person. Negativity tends
to infect our thinking in general, causing us to see everything in a negative
light. When we have negative feelings, we lose sight of clarity, let emotion
override rational thinking, and, as a result, may unconsciously react
negatively to matters in other areas of our work or life with potentially
poor results. Negativity seems to breed more negativity, and as a result, it
saps our energy, influences those around us, and leads to undesirable
results.

Emotional Intelligence

So, what is the "best" way to deal with seemingly difficult people
and negative messages? It involves emotional intelligence (EI). The ability to
express and control our own emotions is important, but so is our ability to
understand, interpret, and effectively respond to the emotions of others. EI
has five factors (see Figure 1): the perception of our emotion, the perception
of the other person's emotion, the ability to reason using emotion, the
ability to understand emotion, and the ability to manage emotion.

The starting point of this notion is to be able to perceive our own
emotions. Understand what triggers an emotional response on our part, and what
kind of reaction or outcome results from it. Generally something triggers our
emotion, such as an event or other stimuli. This then leads to an inner state,
like feeling anger, concern, fear, or something else that then leads to a
reaction and a response.

By having a good understanding of this chain of events, we will be better
able to use rational thinking to counteract emotional responses that generally
tend to get in the way of effective communication and understanding (see Figure
2). We will also be able to develop coping skills that will enable us to deal
more constructively with challenging situations. Strong self-awareness will
enable us to also become better aware of the emotions of others.

Our awareness and understanding of the emotions of others in any situation
are also key factors. Having an awareness of emotions, understanding how they
are created, and understanding how they influence people will allow us to deal
more effectively with responses in people we interact with. We should become
less likely to jump to conclusions or judgment and more likely to get to the
root of the issue and the cause of strong emotional reactions in others. This
will help us not only to identify when emotions in others are triggered, but
also how to deal with it effectively as well as defuse it.

Understanding Emotions

The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. If
someone is expressing an angry emotion, the observer must interpret the cause
of his or her anger and what it might mean. For example, if your boss is acting
angry, it might mean that he is dissatisfied with your work, or it could be
because he got a speeding ticket on his way to work that morning, or it could
be that he's been fighting with his wife. You will only be able to respond
appropriately if you are able to identify the source of the emotion.

After emotions are perceived and understood, they may be used to effectively
manage the situation. People sense emotions in others. You may be able to use
your emotions in a way that will convince others of the importance of the issue
and your position, but it has to be done carefully. Reasoning with emotions
involves using emotions to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Emotions
help prioritize what we pay attention to and react to; we respond emotionally
to things that grab our attention.

When disagreements turn into conflicts, listening skills become crucial to
the understanding of the concerns and emotions of others. Most people fall into
the habit of thinking of a response to what others are in the process of saying
instead of closely paying attention to what is being said. Emotionally
intelligent people understand this and try to avoid falling into that trap.
People with EI skills have come to realize that they not only need to pay close
attention to what is being said, but they also need to focus on the
person's tone of voice and body language. That is where they will be able
to get a clearer picture of the emotions underlying the spoken word.

Acknowledging the fact that you understand how other people feel will inform
them that they have been heard. Emotionally intelligent people actively listen,
use body language to convey understanding, and transmit empathy and concern. By
doing this, they are able to better relate to people and use emotions
constructively as an asset.

Before jumping to a conclusion and confronting the other person, it may
behoove us to consider the possibility that we may be somehow contributing to
the problem. Sometimes we jump to conclusions without really understanding what
the other person's concerns may be. It is helpful to find areas of
agreement in the discussion, as it puts a more positive light on the discussion
and signals movement to finding a solution to the issue at hand. At a minimum,
agreeing on the scope of the problem will put a positive spin on things. This
may lead to finding other areas where understanding and agreement may be
possible, thereby moving from confrontation toward cooperation and possible
resolution.

Exploring alternative ways to resolve any issue may contribute in moving the
conversation into a positive from a possibly negative state. Asking the other
person for suggested options that may lead to potentially resolving problems
will put things into a cooperative frame of thinking. This approach may prove
beneficial, as it diminishes the role of emotion in the conversations leading
to a more rational approach to the situation at hand.

It is important to remember that when dealing with conflict, words convey a
small percentage of the information, while body language and tone of voice play
a critical role. Research has shown that almost 93 percent of what the other
person notices and believes about you comes from their interpretation of your
body language and tone of voice. When you allow your emotions to take over,
your body language and tone of voice color the exchange in a negative way and
hinder an amicable resolution.

Remember, you are trying to achieve or accomplish something: to get the
other person to agree to do something, be it in production, quality, safety, or
any other aspect of the project. Everyone has a choice in how they approach any
given situation. When dealing with difficult people, you have a choice: to
engage or wait to engage at a more appropriate time. If you choose to engage
the other person, and he or she is difficult, you must use your EI to manage
the direction and outcome of the engagement. Be calm and rational, listen and
control your responses, and ask questions. This will give you greater control.
When you can deal successfully with difficult people, your coping mechanisms
will improve.

The whole idea is to affect a positive outcome and hopefully end up in a
better and more productive working relationship, creating win-win outcomes.

Opinions expressed in Expert Commentary articles are those of the author and are not necessarily held by the author's employer or IRMI. Expert Commentary articles and other IRMI Online content do not purport to provide legal, accounting, or other professional advice or opinion. If such advice is needed, consult with your attorney, accountant, or other qualified adviser.

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