WEEDING OUT THE UNWELCOME

Do me a favour and look at the picture to the right of this sentence labelled: LOOK AT ME!

That sign is currently displayed on the outer wall of Kerr Hall North. That’s a pretty bold statement displayed on it, eh? I realize the Toronto International Film Festival is showing movies at the Ryerson Theatre-something that should provide our school with some needed publicity-but the assumption that the entire Ryerson community is welcoming the festival with open arms is not only naive, it’s inaccurate.

And since your favourite independent student newspaper prides itself on accuracy, I thought I’d clarify which aspects of the film festival are welcome and those which are not. I figure, if a plastic sign with plastic letters can speak on behalf of our university, a dude in a dorky hat can too.

Welcome: The red carpet currently leading into the Ryerson Theatre. I walked on it the other day and felt like a slightly – but only slightly – better-looking version of Prince Charles.

Unwelcome: Finding Nemo rip-off flick Shark Tale (it showed here yesterday). They may as well call this Will Smith-voiced movie I, Nemo-a fish and a shark hang out together in the ocean and hilarity ensues. Yeah, that concept is about as original as my pick-up lines. Hey Dreamworks, it would be a dream if you worked on your creativity.

Welcome: Any and all praise from those who watch a movie in our dynamite 1,000-plus-seat theatre. Feel free to ruin Ryerson’s ‘Rye High’ reputation by telling your friends about our world-class facility.

Unwelcome: Actor Billy Crudup for being one of six actors featured in the skybox on the cover of the National Post in promotion of its Film Festival Guide. Billy Crudup?! I wouldn’t use Billy Crudup to promote a house party let alone a festival. He was in Almost Famous, but he’s not famous. The only notable thing about Crudup is that he looks like Jim Caviezel and nobody knew his name either until Mel Gibson had the crap kicked out of him in The Passion of the Christ.

Unwelcome: The person/people who decided $16.75 was a reasonable price to see a movie. Brutal. What’s next … $2.25 to ride the subway? Oh, right.

Unwelcome: People who pay that ballooned festival price for a movie that’s up for major distribution. Note to students: Save yourself $12.75 by waiting a few weeks to see the mainstream movie of your choice at the Rainbow Cinemas at Market Square. At $4 a ticket, you could even splurge and take public transit to get there.

Welcome: Martin Short. His new film Jiminy Glick in Lalawood is showing at Ryerson on Saturday. If Ed Grimley shows up, I say we extend the red carpet all the way to Church and Gerrard. I admittedly know very little about the Jiminy Glick character, other than that he looks how Roger Ebert used to, but I give two thumbs up to any movie Short shows up in.

Unwelcome: Premiering the film The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things. Note to all filmmakers: Any film that brags about “exploring the unknowable depths between a mother and her son”-because I know “unknowable depths” means what I think it means-is never welcome at Ryerson.

And finally, welcome: Any Hollywood talent scouts who want to sign any aspiring actors at the Ryerson Theatre School. And for the students you do throw millions at, remind them to remember us regular’ alumni when they make a movie about their big fat wedding.