there is a railroad within walking distance from my house. 2 nights ago i was feeling utterly hopeless and really down so on impulse, I just put on a jacket and went outside....not knowing why or caring about anything. I headed down to the railroad and along the way I was listening to the most depressing death and black metal songs imaginable to help increase the suicidal mood I was in. When I got to the train tracks, I was on the verge of tears for completely no reason at all. I laid down next to the rail tracks and laid my neck right on the tracks. I had seen this image of a train decapitation on the internet and thought that might be an easy way to go. just lay down and wait for the train. I started screaming up at the sky cursing random deities(God, Jesus, Allah, Yahweh). After laying there for what seemed like forever, to top it all off it started to rain. Tired, wet, cold, starving, and in pain(I sprained my ankle getting there) I limped back home and locked my self in my room for the rest of the night.

There has been only one times I have every really thought about suicide, for me. I've thought about my friends doing it and how I could stop it. One of my friends girlfriends cut herself because of an abusive father. My girlfriend was sexually abused by her step-dad and wanted to kill herself. I'm thirteen now. Never in my life before 2009 have I ever thought about anyone committing suicide. A friend of mine last year had got caught stolen something and his house was getting searched. He had drugs that he needed to get rid of and asked me to hold them for him. I really don't have many friends, never had. Most people think of me as an easy target for gaining popularity. I've been in fights that most of the time I could never win because there's four or five people sometimes, I've been made fun of much more then the usual your ugly. People have photoshoped pictures of my head on someone shoving a nail through his dick and put them around the school. And I hated school and didn't care so I stopped working. The friends I did have I didn't want to lose, so I agreed to hold the drugs.

He gave me packs of pills, morphine, vicodine, diet pills and other stuff. A lot of pills were there. I held them for quite a while, and during that time my dad had noticed my grades going from straight A's to F's and D's in one semester. He started saying things like your a dumbass and I'll never achieve anything and after a while I got sick of it and wanted to end it, figured I could take everything I had from that kid and just go to bed. Mix that with the allergy medication and the sleeping pill I took nightly and I figured I would die. I had began to write a note, saying who would get my possessions, apologizing to everyone. Telling my girlfriend I loved her. And after I did that, I stopped and I thought for a bit. I thought about two people, my mom who I care about greatly, and my girlfriend who I completely believed (and still do) that I love. I'm thirteen and have been dating the same girl for four years, since fifth grade when everyone started getting boyfriends and girlfriends. She had transferred to my school, already lived near me and we're just extremely close. She knows me more then anyone and we've been with each other through dark times. Her with her step-dad and now he's in jail. Her mom hates me, her sisters and her brother hates me. But I deal with it. I stopped her from killing herself and convinced her to tell the police about her step-dad. She helped me when I was sick of everyone saying shit and going to school getting beat up every day then coming home to my dad insulting me.

After that one time, I decided against it, left the house and went to hers and stayed with her and talked for a few hours. Got yelled at when I came home for leaving after 10 but I just went to bed. I started doing my work, ended up fighting back and after that most of the bullying stop. I still have her, my dad's happy with me and I turned my life around.

I believe that is how someone should deal with suicidal thoughts. When it's time for you to die you will. Now let's say you get diagnosed with cancer and your going to die. I think in that case, euthanasia is acceptable. Or maybe in your old age if your in pain and your significant other has died and you just want to let go, you should be able to in a painless fashion. If not, you can turn your life around and make it better. I did it by simply thinking that there is something to live for. Everyone has something. You just need to find it.

EDIT: Btw thanks for letting me vent up there, was pretty nice to get a lot out.

Apparently people are posting in it. Are threads not supposed to be posted it?! Nah... im kidding.

Anyway, childofbodom, all that has happened to you and your only 13? Wow. That gives me more of an appreciation for my own life.

Most of this stuff happened the last year. It's just kind of the turning point where I wanted to stop and had the opportunity to. I don't mean to say my entire life has been shitty though because it hasn't really. Aside from school my life is really good. I've had the same girlfriend for four years (five on July 2nd) who I guess I could say I love even if I'm still young most people my age "date" for 2 days. My dads a sales manager at Time Warner Cable so he makes good money, music and stuff is pretty popular around here and my mom owns this business with lessons for almost every instrument so as far as money goes we're pretty good. I've had a big family, very accepting and caring (even my dad as long as you preform to his standards) and really I have about 3 or 4 friends but those guys would pretty much do anything for me. At school people hate me for some reason but I've learned to deal with it and appreciate what I have. It's almost 2 am here and I have to be at school in 4 hours but I'm still on the computer and probably will be for the rest of the night. This is kind of my place of solace. It helps me take my mind off things. But life should be appreciated. Which (getting back OT) is why though I understand why people commit suicide having contemplated it myself, I know it can be avoided if you take a look at your life and think about whats important.