Friday, 24 July 2009

Hanging in there

To say that my emotions have been on a haphazard joyride with no breaks or seatbelts is a pretty accurate description.

I've always been sensitive to what people say and the way that they act but this year I managed to reach new heights in my reactions. There has been so much turbulence in recent years that has accumulated slowly and steadily that it seems the jar is not only full but overflowing. And when it overflows things settle again, until the level is reached again and it needs to tip once more.

I know that a lot of it boils down to the instability of the unknown - what does my future hold? And am I doing the right things to achieve what I want to achieve?

Which brings about another question: What is it really that I want to achieve? And is there a deadline for this?

In reality each day is 'the future' and I know that I 'waste' many days but am I meant to fill each day with something? I don't like feeling guilty because I'm not out on a Friday night. But staying in is seen as 'something must be wrong'. It took me a long time to listen to myself and do what *I* want to do and not what is seen as being 'right'.

My faith in people is also very much on the lower end of the scale. And the worst thing about that is that I keep trying to work my way on people who haven't shown me much support or friendship, whilst those who have been there tend to get the crappy end of the deal. And yet they remain. And I thank you for remaining and accepting apology #5831 or so.

3 comments:

"I don't like feeling guilty because I'm not out on a Friday night. But staying in is seen as 'something must be wrong'." Yeah, I have understood that if you don't go out on a Friday night there must be something wrong.

Even in my country it was kind of expected to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I must have been the weirdest of all times and all places! I never liked it! I can't go to bed late, in fact I hate it. I don't like smoke around me :) and I don't like to dance (except for salsa) :)

So we always stay in unless we go out for dinner. We do what we want to do and not what others would expect us to do :)

I must say that as a teenager, whenever I decided to stay indoors on a Friday or on a Saturday night, it was regarded by many as an indication that "something was wrong". I always hated that pressure because I often had a blast at home. Whenever I stayed at home, I would usually watch movies I liked, eat some good food, and just relax. Going to Paceville frequently meant seeing loads of people getting drunk and smoking like chimneys...not to mention the brawl here and there because of some romantic/sexual matter! Is that supposed to be fun? Not for me! :)