Sorry, I can’t date you. You’re the kind of girl I want to take home to Mother

“The problem with you,” a mother of a guy friend once told me in conversation, “is that you’re not the type of girl guys want to date. you’re the kind of girl they want to marry.”

the glass of champagne in my hand tipped sideways, and a few precious drops fell to the floor before i chug-a-lugged the remaining contents in an attempt to mitigate her revelation. I didn’t really know how to respond. Had she just uncovered the source of all my men “trouble”? Certainly, she had just dealt me a new out for the question “why aren’t you seeing anyone?” She meant her comment to be complimentary — I’m a nice girl, who “deserves to be treated well,” she explained when she saw my jaw drop. Guys my age, despite their other shortcomings, are at least sensible enough to realize that they’re not ready to be in a “grown-up” relationship with a girl “who has her act together.” They don’t want to make girls like me cry.

By the time I got home, I had decided it wasn’t important if I was “one of those girls.” The more important question was: Do guys under 35 really approach women so sensibly? Do they really separate girls they want to sleep with from girls they want to have children with? I was skeptical. Maybe, I’m not giving the opposite sex enough credit.

Indeed, maybe I’m not. Recently, I read an advice column that claimed to shed light on “What it Means if He Doesn’t Call You Back.” It corroborated my friend’s mother’s observation — sometimes guys “go poof” because they meet a girl that deserves more commitment than they’re willing to give. It’s not that the fellas are commitment-phobic; it’s that the girl is the kind of girl they marry, not date.

I then recalled a conversation with Generically-Named-Male-Friend. He told me that within the first 5 minutes of meeting a girl, he shuffles her into one of 4 categories: one night stand, short-term dating, long-term dating, friend. The “one night stand” category wasn’t a surprise. However, the 2 dating categories, short- versus long- term, were.

But despite these assessments/confessions, my questions remain. Is Generically-Named-Male-Friend an anomaly? Was that column really written by a woman whose girlfriends all tell her that every time her date goes AWOL? Was my friend’s mother’s comment based on a story her son wove when she asked him why he and I weren’t dating? Or, when it comes to girls, do guys use more of their northern brain than we give them credit for?

7 thoughts on “Sorry, I can’t date you. You’re the kind of girl I want to take home to Mother”

“Why he doesn’t call you back” must be one of the most recycled topics ever. I don’t think they use their brains on intial impact. I do think we waste way too much time trying to figure them out; they don’t call because they are on to the next one. You sound like a great woman – there’s someone wonderful who will appreciate you … maybe he’s already with you. Hope so.

Sorry I am late to the party on this one but work, rugby, and life took over and the internet was put on the shelve…. Nonetheless I want to comment on this before I start my holiday, so the bad news, your friend’s mother is correct. Allot of times my guy friends and I will comment on women and give them the title, “My mom would like her” or “That’s the girl my mom would set me up with” the fact of the matter is that sex appeal comes before love. Men want the “lamb in the kitchen, wolf in the bedroom” (I just rewatched ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’) When men start relegating gating women to what there mother would like, that’s just the same as saying, marriage… Cause we don’t see a stripper/tramp/porn star/whore/(insert demeaning titile here) and think, wow my mom would like her…

As per your friend’s buckets, they aren’t that far off… If a girl is good looking but doesn’t have sex appeal, she’s certainly isn’t going to be put into the one night stand category – definitely not gonna make into short term dating cause that is still highly motivated by physical attraction – if you cannot date someone in the short term then there’s no long term dating possibility either – but because the girl is pretty and you should never rule her out and that leaves her for the marriage category. Sorry ladies, but if you want the ring, your gotta be more then that nice girl…

this is crazy — I agree with one reply, there’s just no point in wondering why, just move on. I don’t think ALL men categorize, or ALL men fear marriage, or ALL men anything — there is no real generalization that works. I’ll have to say that I tend to attract and be attracted to men who aren’t looking for anything long-term, and I admittedly do send away anyone interested in more. Best way to approach it is from your own personal end. What exactly do you want?

I’ve been told similar things myself – that I’m the kind of girl someone wants to marry, not date. It’s very frustrating, how can I get to marriage without dating someone? That seems like a backhanded compliment to me. So… thanks?