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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bambi Nuggets Redux (and the Tulip Festival)

This graphic, which I found so hilarious I asked to steal it, was created by Dennis at Mormondaddyblogs.com

Well, this is interesting. And disturbing.

Remember the conversation I had with my four-year-old daughter, Anna, wherein she alerted me that she needed to hunt because she wanted to kill animals and we discussed at length how animals' muscles are eaten off of their bones, and also we discussed chickens being filled with chicken nuggets and Bambi being filled with Bambi nuggets and it ended in a terrifying discussion of cannibalism?

If not, you should read this. Today's post will make a lot more sense.

One would hope that such a discussion would be a one-time incident in which a little girl mused upon certain carnivorous concepts for a few moments and then moved on.

WRONG.

A week or two ago, we decided to go with some friends to the Tulip Festival up here in Washington State. For the uninitiated, the Tulip Festival is the most mind-numbingly boring event to ever choose to do on a Saturday, which involves parking in gravel, walking past row after row after row after row of very colorful tulips while your kids run and scream and play in mud and throw clumps of dirt at bystanders, getting back to the gravel, then getting in your car in a daze and wondering "am I on PCP right now, or did I seriously just get mind-raped by 40,000 tulips? And did I actually pay for it?"

Never having been there, Wife and I did not know how boring it would be, and we were getting all the kids excited to go. Recently, Anna had been doing something we thought was pretty innocuous. Anytime we'd pass a field or pass of grass or parking lot or stream, she'd ask "is that a meadow, Mommy? What about that? Is that a meadow?"

"No, sweetheart," we'd say. "That's a McDonalds." Or whatever.

Well, to get Anna animated, Wife announced, "Anna, we're going to an actual meadow to see the tulips." Anna's eyes lit up with excitement. "A meadow, Mommy?" she asked sweetly. "We're going to a real meadow?"

"Yes," replied wife with a smile. Then they got busy getting dressed. At which point this conversation occurred.

Wife: Anna, what shirt do you want to wear?

Anna: (pauses and thinks) I want to wear a meadow shirt.

Wife: Oh, okay sweetie. That's a good idea. (goes to the closet and picks out a green shirt) This shirt is green, so it's perfect for a green meadow...

Anna: No, Mommy, a meadow shirt.

Wife: (Holding up a shirt with flowers on it.) How about this? I think this shirt with flowers fits a meadow.

Anna: No! That's not a meadow shirt. (laughs)

Wife: What's a meadow shirt?

Anna: Do we have a shirt that says "Hunters who like to eat chicken and their bones looking for animals to kill. And eat."?

Wife:.... (looks horrified)

Anna: Do we have a shirt that says that, Mommy? So I can kill deer and eat their muscles? So I can eat the chicken nuggets in their skin?

Wife: No, sweetheart. We don't. (looks over at me with panicked eyes that say "YOU DID THIS TO HER, I KNOW IT!")

There was nothing to be done. We had no such meadow shirt. Amazingly, there was no apparel in the entire house that announced us as hunters craving to kill animals in order to eat their muscles and bones.

But all that has changed.

That's right Anna, Daddy just opened a Zazzle store! And guess what shirt he made!

A meadow shirt:

This shirt is any hunter's dream come true. Available for purchase in any size!!

What was that you say? You want photographic evidence of me and the family at the Tulip Festival?

But of course:

Sometimes meadows can be scary.

(Cue Lion King music) AAAAAA SEBENIA....

(I have no idea if that's what the song actually says.)

(Also, the fact that I did this means that Tessa is now prince of a pride of lions. So I'm royalty now.)

I don't know about all y'all, but I'm here to HUNT.

Viva likes that her shirt is the same color as the flowers.

"Don't worry, sister, I'll find some animals so you can eat muscles off their bones."

No deer were located on this adventure. We did, however, acquire this bunny.

No Anna, stop licking your chops. You may not eat the bunny.

There's a bunch of Weeds in the tulips... (ba dum CHING)

I have no caption for this photo other than that I love how bewildered Tessa looks.

"It's okay Viva. Animals were meant to die. And I was meant to brutally kill them."

@AZ Larsens--I'm glad to hear that mine aren't the only ones! Blogging is so nice for that kind of validation, ha.

@DDBD--Haha, I can only imagine! I'm sure I'm in for some awesomely uncomfortable moments.

@Chrissy--My thoughts exactly.

@Christine--As a matter of fact, I believe they do. Are you planning a hunting trip sometime soon or something?

@Kristina--Man, there are so many hunters commenting today! Who knew? ;-)

@becca--They sure do. And thank you!

@Theric--Me too! And yes, we did get one for her. Can't wait to see what inspires her to wear it...

@funderson--No, thank you. I'm glad you liked it!

Jared&Garret--Heh, thanks. Graphic design is definitely not my specialty, which is why I opted not to include my sketch of a decapitated deer...

@Su--That's very true. There are worse things than having a carnivorous daughter. (I think?)

@Jennifer--I hadn't even thought of bunny nuggets. (shudders) Tessa will be protected. Not nuggets of any variety (minus chicken) will be consumed in the Weed household.

@her daughter--Um, yes. Why, can you not see the link?

@The Onion--I'll admit it: while mind-numbing as an experience on the whole, the flowers really were cool looking. Also, that's a perfect plan for the high school vegetarian my-parents-are-fools ploy. Thanks for that.

Loved this post!! First of all, the tulips are beautiful. To me, but then I live where our fields are of corn, soybeans or wheat. TULIPS ROCK! I think Anna is wise beyond her years. Have you ever watched Cold Mountain? If not, please do and then just be glad you're raising a "can-do" kind of girl, which in the end is always the best kind. The refined kind often fail the Survival of the Fittest test. That is one thing you are not going to have to worry about with that little girl. Also, she may well become a chef. I would also try to shelter her from the whole sushi thing for as long as possible.....Beautiful pictures!!!

So, I shared the Bambi Nuggets Series with my dad, who laughed most heartily. I think he enjoys Anna's sensibilities. If ever she freaks you out too much, just send her to my dad, who seems like a kindred spirit. (He's the one who told my sister we were eating Bambi, after all, when we were enjoying freshly ground venison meatballs.)

Oh how did I know... as soon as you started with Anna asking about the meadow, I was positive she was thinking Bambi nuggets. So either that makes me really weird or rather intuitive. I'm going with intuitive.

Oh my gosh I miss those little girls even if Anna wants to be a big game hunter! I told Papa Gaga what she said about the meadow shirt and he said "Well I can see where her little mind is going", Okay so now we know where she truly gets it from. Keep up the good work it makes me feel closer to you guys when I read about you!

Your first post made my eyelids turn inside out laughing. I work with other people's kids, none of my own yet, and I always wonder how those awkward conversations are going to mutate on the way home.

You might like to know that my cowgirl/vegetarian aunt had a similar, yet less disturbing, conversation with her princess/fiend daughter, at around the same age. 'Why don't you come fishing, Mommy?' "I like going in the boat with you and Daddy, but I don't like to kill the fish." 'I like to kill the fish.' Pink is such a great color for hiding the bloodstains....

Are you new here?

Oh hi.

I am Josh Weed.

I am a gay, Mormon man who is married to a woman. I have four daughters, one of whom is not featured in the photo on the header of this blog because she wasn't born yet. When she's old enough to realize this she's gonna be pissed, but as of now she can't talk yet, so I'm rolling with it.

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist who is licensed through AAMFT (the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists), a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist trained through IITAP (the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals), and was named the Best Father Ever from TAOITMKTSTOITATST (The Association of I Told My Kids To Say That Or I'd Take Away Their Screen Time).

This website is my personal blog. I write serious posts and humorous/satirical posts. You'll probably very easily tell the difference, but if you're ever wondering, just ask. Sometimes as I write this blog, I might talk about therapy concepts. I might mention things that I've learned in my grad studies. I might share thoughts I'm having around things I'm reading, or ideas I hope will be helpful. When that happens, please know that I am offering my thoughts as a fellow human writing on his personal blog, and not as your personal therapist, or even as a professional giving professional advice. Grain of salt, is what I'm saying. Always consult (and pay for!) a professional's opinion when making therapeutic changes in your own life.

So yeah. That's how things go around here. Some days you'll get a post on a serious topic I happen to be thinking about. Other days you'll get a post about me crapping my pants on a morning run.

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...The weed stood in the severed heart."What are you doing there?" I asked.It lifted its head all dripping wet(with my own thoughts?)and answered then: "I grow," it said,"but to divide your heart again."