31 March 2016

Growing up I had in a way purpose already laid out for me. I was told I would be an actress or in the entertainment industry. I always just accepted this idea, never really questioned it, as I ‘thought’ this was also something I wanted. I went to acting classes, modeling classes, different acting retreats to LA and Las Vegas. I had resumes, and comp cards and a portfolio. As I got older and into my twenties I started going more actively on auditions and even getting jobs here and there – a commercial, a couple runway shows, and a hair show. After awhile of this I decided it wasn’t really something I actually wanted to do – though while I was in it, I thought I could really make a name for myself, and use that position to bring awareness to the world about things that really mattered. I wouldn't abuse my position of power, I would use it as a force of good for the world.

But then I decided against it because ultimately I felt as though I was chasing a dream that wasn't mine, and didn't express who I really was, and once I did that, for awhile feeling free of letting go of that direction or purpose in my life, I also in time started to feel directionless and without purpose, not knowing what I should do or where I should direct my life.

Then I found desteni and within that, found a sense of purpose and direction within myself. It was taken out of the existential view and focused more on my day to day living – working on changingbehaviors and habits that I could see were self-destructive, within fear or self interest, and did not serve what was best for me or what was best for all. So that was my direction and my purpose… to walk my process of self-change.

Though now almost 7 years later and I’m finding a similar experience coming up that I had before finding desteni. Without direction or purpose, unsure and uncertain of ‘where’ to go, what to invest myself and my time into, what niche I would work best in. And it’s been an emotional point for me, feeling lost or stuck, like I’m wandering with no where to go or unsure and uncertain of myself and my future.

While I realize purpose or direction doesn’t exist outside of me, say in a job or relationship, or place I live, I tend to still react in looking outward for some purpose or direction. And within that, judging what I am doing at the moment – what currently exists as my life, judging it as not enough, not substantial enough, and that I am actually missing out on some opportunity.

I realize also that when one is busy with emotional reaction, you cannot really see what is right in front of you, you are blind in a way to your life and the various dimensions of opportunities to develop that exist.

Though as I say I realize this, I actually realize that it’s not something I am yet living because I still go into emotions around it. I still experience a void or lack of purpose in my life. I still feel like I’m waiting for something.

What is quite interesting about this is when I found Desteni, it was like what I learned and the principles and tools I could apply – the process in itself – filled that void. I did stop looking outward and started taking responsibility inward, and that responsibility I saw I had not only to myself, but life as a whole in equality and oneness, was what I thought my purpose was. Though I can see that point is not standing within me.. it has faded and I’m left with the same experience I had 7 years ago. What is my purpose in this life?

I wonder how many people experience this as well – how many people don’t have a specific direction or goal or gift or skill they can utilize as a point of purpose in their life. Or how many people are told, as I once was, what their purpose or direction was without asking themselves if that is what they really want… if that actually represents who they really are.

I do see, realize, and understand that I will not find purpose or direction outside of ME… that it can only flow from me as an expression of myself as the process I have walked and am walking… a natural unfolding. So for now, I will stop and I breathe. I will take this one day at a time… investigate the word purpose and direction, get to know how I’ve come to define myself in relation to these words, and how I can align myself and those words to be of an equilibrium and a practical, livable understanding. So this is the process I am currently taking on and embracing, creating it as my current purpose. Committing myself to bring myself back to myself as self-purpose and self-direction.

14 March 2016

Recently I saw some reactions surface within me that I had not seen in quite some time.... well, I did not see them within me per se, but I have seem them recently.

Let me explain.

I am currently walking the Desteni I Process Pro Course, and currently am busy with walking a Money Mind Construct. If you don't know what a Mind Construct is I suggest you read and investigate the Desteni Material for a more comprehensive understanding. Though I will say it's basically a direct look at ALL the memories existing within you in relation to a particular point, so for my case it's money at the moment, and ALL the feelings, emotions, ideas, beliefs, self-definitions, perceptions, ect you've created about yourself and that point (money), and essentially supports you to align yourself to an equal relationship with that point (money) so that you are no longer enslaved , limited, or influenced by your past (memories of money), and rather are directive within who you are in relation to that particular point (money). Needless to say there is a lot of information we have stored within ourselves/our minds, it's no wonder we feel a heaviness in this existence, the shit we are carrying around inside ourselves.

Okay, so back to the point I wanted to make here. I have had these reactions come up recently in relation to money, though I had not had those particular reactions in quite some time, though I have seen them, as I mentioned, through walking a Money Mind Construct in the Desteni I Process Pro Course. And what I found SO COOL was while these reactions were coming up within me, a few phrases here and there based in fear about the future and making money, I immediately realized this is EXACTLY the same thought patterns I'm working with in my Money Mind Construct. So I knew right away this was a pattern of mine - to go into fear in relation to money and the future, and from there create projections of 'what to do' and create both positive and negative 'what ifs'. Though, because I was able to identify right away this was a pattern of mine in relation to money, I was immediately able to stop, breathe and no longer participate in it, because I already knew... this is a pattern, this is a point of fear I've accepted and allowed within myself, and I've seen the consequences of how this thought pattern plays out, usually a form of suppression or compounded anxiety.

So this is why DIP Pro is AMAZING... we are able to see directly who we are as our mind, as the thought patterns played out in memories that exist within us and that we participate with and say, "Oh wait... I've seen you before, I understand what you are, you are Fear, and I'm no longer accepting and allowing fear to influence or direct me." And so you stop, because you realize it's a pattern, it's YOUR construction as the creation of your mind, and it does not actually serve you it only reinforces the irrationality of our mind as how we've created it.

The mind is truly a Maze, though with DIP Pro, you are given the route to move through it, to go through it, deconstruct it, let go of that which no longer serves what is best for you, re-organize it, input beneficial understandings about yourself and principles you can apply....

Once you've identified for yourself patterns you've lived out time, and time again... you begin to see how you let it influence you, how it makes you feel, what self-definitions you are accepting about yourself within it, what limitations you are holding onto, and ultimately how you can stop and change it to allow room to nurture your utmost potential. DIP Pro supported in this moment for me.

12 March 2016

Today I did not want to move physically. I had been up for a couple hours, doing the normal morning routine, and it was time to move onto the ‘afternoon activities’, and I found myself in a state of tiredness and feeling lethargic. Based on this experience, I didn’t want go do much, and definitely did not want to go with my partner to his suggested activity for the day. Though I agreed. And of course, as soon as I got up, started moving physically, and was out and about, that experience of being tired and not wanting to do anything was gone.

This is often the case, and shows how you cannot always trust your experience. What you can trust, and should more focus on, is the physical actions… that shows you what is real. If I would have got up, and out and was moving myself, and the experience was still there, then perhaps it’s something to investigate more. Though when you move yourself, and that seemingly real experience of being tired and sloth-like just poof, disappears, then it wasn’t real to begin with.

Now I can see that perhaps if my partner was not home today, and did not make the suggestion to go out and walk through the new museum in town, I could have easily given in to the experience and ended up taking a nap, or lounged around, basically accepting the experience and base the decision on what I do or don’t do on that experience. Though – he was home, and his presence supported to get me out. Important though for me to be able to do this on my own… to move myself, despite an experience I have, alone, and according to my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to an experience of being lethargic and tired, and want to not physically move myself based on this, rather than realizing that I can see if the experience is real, through moving myself physically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the experience of being tired and lethargic and base my actions or lack of actions on that experience, rather than working with what is REAL, and what is HERE which is the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust more in the physical, and my physical action/movement as the real expression or experience of myself rather than accept the initial experience of the mind which is that of being tired and lethargic, and according to that, think I cannot possible do much or move myself in the day because of this experience

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to develop the absolute self-will and determination to move myself physically despite an emotional reaction or experience of being tired or lethargic, and to instead rather make the decision to get up and move and see for real that the experience isn’t what it seems to be, and my physical living/action/movement is what I can trust

When and as I see myself experiencing a state of tiredness or being lethargic, and based on this think I do not want to or cannot do anything physical in my day, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the experience I cannot trust as it’s based on energy, and that it can indeed change and transform through the decision to physically move, as I’ve seen for myself that it simply requires me to get up and move and from that, the experience dissipates… and so I commit myself to trust more in my physical action rather than my energetic experiences of being tired or lethargic, and test the limits of my own mind that suggest I must listen to an experience rather than work with physical action and living

I commit myself to practice developing self-trust through making the decision to move physically, despite an experience that suggests the desire to do the opposite

I commit myself to push myself beyond my own limitations as the experience I accept and allow within/as me