What She Really Wants You To Text

If You're Struggling to Text Her, Read This

Texting can be a daunting prospect to even the most seasoned dater. How do you convey what you mean without tonal context? What does she expect you to reply to her three-paragraph-long text? Is it ever fine to send a one-word text, or does that come off as offensive? There are no hard and fast rules, but here we lay out a few do’s and don’ts (as well as examples of good/bad texting) that should see you through, no matter what stage of the relationship you’re at.

Flirting For the First Time

At this stage, you’re just getting to know the other person, and you have no idea what their texting style is. They might not be a heavy texter — they might prefer to speak on the phone — but that doesn’t mean you should send terse texts like these:

You: Are we meeting on Tuesday?Her: Yes! Eight o’ clock, right? I’ll see you then!You: k

To a new date or Tinder match who’s not familiar with your texting habits, this exchange can feel awfully cold and disinterested. She may think you’re not excited to talk to her, which is why it’s best to send more upbeat/peppy texts initially! A simple “k” can mean many things — between friends of long standing, it’s innocuous — but it’s best avoided when you’re texting a prospective date. Remember, it’s a good idea to match her tone. If she’s sending you lots of enthusiastic, friendly texts with smiley emojis, don’t reply with abrupt or formal texts that are conversation-killers:

You: Hi, what are you up to?Her: hey! omg having such a hectic day, can’t wait to get into bed and snuggle with my dog later : )You: Okay. I’ll talk to you later, I guess.

She’s volunteering information about her day and indicating that she wants to continue the conversation, but you sent her something that sounds like a business email sign-off! This has the effect of an ice-bucket directly to the head: there’s no way for her to reply to this. A “that sounds amazing” can go a long way toward softening the brusqueness of your reply. Remember, you always want to leave her feeling good about your conversation. Here’s an example of a flirty text that accomplishes that perfectly:

You: Hey, you. Hope work isn’t too crazy today. Here’s a picture of that corgi I was telling you about, just in case.

This is a stellar text because it’s a) a thoughtful check-in, b) invites her to talk about her day, and c) provides something to make her laugh/smile! There’s no way to go wrong with a text as considerate and encouraging as this one. Or:

You: Hey! So are we still on for next week?Her: Yep! The Mexican place, right?You: Can’t wait! Okay, talk to you in a bit — my supervisor keeps emailing and I don’t think I can tell him I’m busy talking to a pretty girl.

Text conversations don’t have to be elaborately planned to leave her with a positive impression! A simple text that says you’re looking forward to seeing her is a classic.

Early in the Relationship

During this stage, you’re much more comfortable texting — you don’t agonize for ages while carefully crafting each word. But because of this, it’s easy to misread her expectations, or to get into a cold war because you were careless over text! Here, we outline a couple of common pitfalls that you want to avoid:

Her: Hey, what are you doing this evening?You: I’m exhausted. Haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights.Her: Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe try taking something?You: Yeah. Ok. I’ll talk to you later.

Any one of a thousand stressors — job worries, illness, family stresses — might cause you to be short over text! But if you’re impatient with her, or brusque for no reason, this can certainly stoke resentment on her part. All you have to do is to ask her how she’s doing. Throwing in a simple question “I’m exhausted. How are you, though?” can make a world of difference and make her feel cared about. Even worse than a curt response is no response. We get it — you have two urgent deadlines and then a flight to catch — but it’s not a good idea to let texts go unanswered for too long. In fact, this can be one of the major sources of relationship strife:

Her: Maybe we can get ice-cream later? I have a monster craving…Her: Hello?Her: Are you okay? How come you’re not answering? I’m worried.Her: Okay, then. Won’t bother you again.

One of the most exquisite tortures of modern life is having to wait a long time for a reply to your text. If you don’t respond to her text, she’s likely to get anxious and frustrated with you quickly. Plus, it’s an unkind thing to leave somebody hanging without a response.

Even if you don’t feel like talking to anybody, a simple text “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m kind of slammed. But let’s talk as soon as things free up” takes only a minute to send and will likely save her some worry and you both a future fight. Even if you’re the president of your own country, you probably have two minutes to spend on dashing off a quick reply. Here’s an example of a text that could make her day:

You: Hey, I was just thinking about you. Crossed that bakery you love — how about I get some raspberry Danishes for the next time we hang out?

The sweetest texts are the simplest. Asking her how her day went, or reminding her that you’re thinking of her right now, is a romantic gesture all in itself. In fact, it’s these tiny gestures that are the bread-and-butter of most relationships.

In A Long-Term Relationship

When you’ve been with someone for years, the texting game is entirely different. By now, you know each other’s shorthand, and how to tell when either of you is angry or upset. However, that doesn’t mean that conflicts won’t arise — and that these don’t need to be addressed sensitively.

What you want to avoid is sending each other long texts full of grievances or demands. Once you start recounting your perceived slights, you’re definitely committing to an ugly fight:

Her: Can you please take the car in to be serviced? I’ve told you so many times already.You: I have a hundred things on my plate. Why can’t you do it? Also, if you want to nag, let me remind you that you never booked a babysitter last weekend.Her: That’s really unfair. I don’t know why I have to do everything. You know how crazy this month is for me.You: First of all…

Avoid getting locked into this kind of conversation, where you’re both mudslinging for hours. If you feel irritated by your girlfriend’s text for any reason, save it: remember, there’s always time to get mad later. Don’t send abrasive or angry texts just because you’re annoyed in the moment. Send her a controlled “Okay, I’ll try to get it taken care of” and you can bring it up later when you both feel less eager to snipe at each other.

In the same vein, not every conversation should be had over text. If your girlfriend wants to discuss some issues she’s having in the relationship, be patient: don’t ask her what it is over text. Don’t try to hastily resolve it because you’re impatient to be done with the issue.

Her: We need to talk. I’m still upset about what happened over the holidays. Can you get home early?You: No, I can’t. Look, I get it. Next time, we’ll go to your mother’s instead, okay? Now can we just move on?

By having this conversation via text instead of in person, you’re signaling to her that her concerns aren’t important enough to be taken seriously. Some issues aren’t minor enough to be easily resolved over text, and this kind of haste will only compound the problem. Wait until the two of you are able to meet in person and hash it out properly.

In contrast, here is an example of a text you absolutely should send if you want to make your partner happy:

You: Hi. Have you checked the mail yet today? Since I’m not in town, I thought I’d send you a little card to commemorate the time we got Ginger : ) Happy mini-anniversary!

In long-term relationships, it’s very easy to lose the spark that once made you so appreciative of each other. If you want to keep it alive, it’s easy to do — all you have to do is to be thoughtful, and celebrate each other whenever you get a chance. Forget gifts: a text possesses more than enough power to charm your partner. Even a “How’s your day going, beautiful?” is enough to surprise her and jolt your relationship out of its state of complacency. Good luck, and happy texting!