12.27.2011

This is my designated bitching area; the place where all the filters are removed. This is unfiltered chlorinated tap water that you cannot drink without leaving a bad taste in your mouth.

Part 1:Family Holiday Photos

Just like my birthdays, the holidays are a pleasant reminder of how much I do not belong where I currently am. I don't even know where to start. How about the annoying family photos that every family decides to send you in the mail the week before Christmas? I've probably seen 20 iterations of the same homogeneous-looking families grow up together. You know those pictures where you look at them and think, "Oh, he looks just like his mother - and she looks just like her father!" Yea, THOSE. It's nothing but bitter jealously. Plain and simple. I am thankful my family doesn't make me take these awful pictures - I can imagine people receiving them in the mail and (instead of admiring the similarities) examining the differences (or should I say difference), the difference being me. I'd be one of those stranger who step in, and ruin a perfectly good picture of your friends at the club.

Part 2: Growing Family

My family is growing. My brother (my adopted parents biological son) has two cute little white daughters who are only a couple years old. I love them to death but I can't help but think how advantageous their lives will be. They get to have a mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, great-grandma, and a slew of uncles and aunts that look like like them. They never have to feel insecure about their looks or question their origins. At the dinner table I am even further removed than I was before, it seems. I become less and less a part of this family, by nature and by choice. I can clearly see how much my mother enjoys having a granddaughter in her image.

Part 3:Holiday Gatherings

Then there's the holiday parties that all my white family friends (ie. my friends and their parents are friends with my parents). After 25 years I'm still the Asian guy in the room. When you're a kid you're blind to any racial differences or insecurities, but as you get older you can tell when a person is not comfortable with you in the room. My friends' relatives don't know who I am, and if anything, are intimidated by my mere presence. This year I walked in the room for 10 minutes, said hi to my friend's mother and father, and then bounced. I'm old enough to be aware of the types of shit I don't need to be subjected to. Just once I wish I could drag my mom into a room full of Asians so she could see how it feels to be treated like a foreigner.

Part4:Going out with a White girl

I never want to hear another Asian girl bitch about the scowling she might receive by dating a White guy. In America this is already accepted. Until you experience being an Asian man with a White woman, shut your goddamn mouth and be happy that America is able to pimp you out so well. Be satisfied with the exposure you receive, because no matter how negative you may think it may be - the fact is that you actually exist to the rest of America.

I have a half white/Chinese friend that I hang out with occasionally. She looks white, and yes she's actually very good looking, not some beta-female reject that only dates Asians. I'm not her boyfriend (thank GOD), but we dated when we were younger. The average public can't seem to understand why a woman of this caliber would hang out with an "Asian Guy" - and it irritates them. You might think this type of ill-will would just boost my ego, but in actuality it bothers me. That's not the recognition I want. I do not want to be looked at, I do not want all eyes on me. As an adoptee I've been stared at my entire life and I have a huge aversion to it - but this is how it is. I've spent my whole life saturated in white butter only leave the frying pan and hit the plate as chow-mein.

The part that is even worse, is that she is completely inept when a person is trying throw some racial disrespect my way. I shouldn't be surprised. Somebody who has always had white privilege in her life would never understand subtle disrespect the way a true minority would. I love her to death but I feel like her "problems" are just petty in comparison. 10 years ago, the knucklehead in me would have murdered a fat-mouthed bigot in public - and done the jail time happily on principal alone.

Nowadays I just bite my tongue, I'm still on probation after all. I'm not a fan of dichotomy, but I believe the Asian male these days can only be one of two things: The scary type that you can't even look at in the eyes, or the smiling pushover type. Which would you rather be? The kind that gets stepped on? Or the Shoe?

3.26.2011

America doesn’t owe Asians shit. It’s not like we we’re enslaved, and it’s not like they took California from us. When they opened the doors for the second wave of immigration, the unexpected result was “hoards” of Asians pouring in, not Europeans. Let me ask you: What countries have ever attacked American soil? What countries are we still enemies with?

My country (America), has spent a lot of energy making sure that we aren’t shit but a sidekick in a movie. Asian women aren’t shit but a play-toy to be pimped out, apparently.

You know the worst part? We’re successful nonetheless. We don’t needanyone’s approval. We succeed in spite of you. I mean c’mon, anything YOU can do, WE can do, and sometimes do better. We’ve got Asian rappers, Asian athletes, and of course Asians engineers/doctors. It’s all fun and games until you need some surgery performed on your bigot ass. You can hide us as much as you want, but raw talent always surpasses ethnicity. Asians are getting bigger in size too (on an American diet). That must burn a person up inside huh?

I think people just fear genuine intelligence, and rightly so. It’s the same fear I have when I realize that there are other lifeforms out there, billions of years older, more capable than us. Have you ever been in a classroom with a person who easily understands every concept thrown their way, while you sit there andstruggle for hours on something that is simple in their mind? It makes you feel minuscule. It makes you hate the opposition for even existing in the first place.

Asians are smart, but we’re not born with encyclopedias ingrained in our heads - we are born with the will and structure to succeed against all odds. This is what decades oppression does to a culture. America is pissed that Asians refuse to assimilate and kiss ass, but why should we? We don’t need it. If you talked shit about a black person, you’d be sued and never hear the fucking end of it - while the first thing every child is taught in pre-school is “how to give an Asian the ‘Chinese eyes’”? And of course, that is O.K.

If there is one common enemy that unite all other American races, it’s Asians.

The irony is that we are hated for our ingenuity and intelligence - but what the fuck would you drive to work, without us? What would you cook your food in? What the fuck would you watch TV on? What the fuck would you watch youtube on? Would you really pay for German prices when Asians do it for half the cost Doubtful.

The Wallace incident showed me ONE important thing. That is; it is not the 1990’s anymore. Asians aren’t laying down anymore and taking shit on their backs.

There will be peaceful and violent revolution, simultaneously. A message will be sent through this dichotomy alone.

There are few revolutionaries who have the balls to say what they feel; to illuminate reality as it IS, not what it is said to be. The real enemy is a cultured, intelligent, articulate individual - who has nothing to lose by discerning what is real and what is bullshit, to those who are blind to the facts.

This is is what I have learned from my country.I love my country: and my country is a motherfucker.

3.21.2011

A fabricated lifestyle, I leave a past forgotten -Destroying everything I touch beit the ash or cotton,because we the human beings and we rule this EarthWe ridicule those below cause it ain't cool to work.Big ups to the guy that musta fooled them first,for all the power in the world just to fuel a thirst.I don and doff a million mask a day,you know it ain't the real you its all a masquerade.When I'm outta control my foot mash, I praythat I'm part of the whole so when I crash, I stay.To dance around taking hits like I'm Cashless Clay,I need the weed and the music just to pass a day.Nobody appreciates what you do,And I don't mean what you do, I mean what you appreciate -its like voodooTo who that cannot see, or envision a life -other than they own, they say you not living it right.I seen a fucking nazi said he livin' for Christ.If you're white and pray to God, are you feeling enticed?Explicit lyrics when I spit it just so ya'll can listen,like you beat a man so bad that you went to prison.Sometimes you can't take back a really bad decision.You only get one page in a book of this edition.So I keep my nose clean, shade my eyes with oakleys,cause we know you're givin' off the wrong look, now don't we.A simple walk to Vons, it's like a ninja mission -Picture my ancestors busting shots at all the fogies.But Gotta say I love my country, my first one hated me -They had me kicked out like the dirt on my shoes.Can't drink a shot, but you can kill at eighteen.You might have missed the yellow but I know you heard of my blues.

3.17.2011

I've always wondered how much personality I received from my birth father.

I wonder which one of them "fucked it all up".

My would guess would be the father (if I had to place the blame).

If he's anything like me, it makes perfect sense.

I'm either hot or cold, love it or hate it. I'm collected but implosive. I would step in front of a bus for you, or kick your ass under it, with no mercy. I'm an awesome lover, but I'm also the most magnificent cheater you'll ever come to hate.

Then there are these twisted girls -who love you for being an asshole. The fuck is wrong with them?
The moment you reallylove me is the same moment that I don't even want to be around you.