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When he doesn't say 'I love you' back....

Married Life / 12:13 PM - Thursday December 02, 2010

When he doesn't say 'I love you' back....

I've been seeing this wonderful man for 5 months. The relationship moved into serious very quickly, and we were in a commited relationship 3 weeks into it. We practically live together at this point, and we do have a very loving, solid, healthy relationship. Just recently I felt ready to tell him I loved him. However, he wasn't ready to say it back. He told me that he wants to be 100% sure when he says it, and doesn't just want to "say it to say it." Should I be concerned that after all this time together, he isn't "100% sure" about his love for me? Or, should I give it more time? Are men less inclined to say those three words?

- Asked by laurie771, A Sportif, Female, 22-25, San Francisco, Other Profession

After "all this time together". You have only been dating for 5 months! Heck it took my husband almost 18 months before he told me he loved me. I ended up telling him first and had to wait a few weeks before he said it back.

Here's the deal it's OK that he doesn't say it back at this point. Your relationship is still very young. Sounds to me like he cares for you, has feelings for you, etc. he just needs to catch up to where you are at. People do not always fall in love at the same time and it's better that he waits and tells you when he's ready and when it is from his heart instead of just telling you what you want to hear.

I say give the man some time. I would say somewhere between 9 months and 12 months is usually when these sentiments are exchanged. Anything before that is premature.

I've been seeing someone since June and haven't said it to her and don't plan to. She's loves me but I just can't say it. I'm incapable of feeling that anymore.

- Response by sportsnut7875, A Life of the Party, Male, 36-45, Technical

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something is holding him back...

maybe he just isn't ready to say it and he doesn't take the L word lightly, this is good.

he might also be having some kind of issue with the relationship, even though things have been good.

or he might just be the kind of guy that finds those words hard to say and he is afraid of how serious things are getting.

whatever the reason, try not to let it worry you. you said you have a good relationship. just enjoy him and don't worry about him putting a label on it. I know it is a big "matzo ball" hanging out there for you, but just don't say it again until he is ready to say it himself. I personally will never say I love you to a man first ever again..hahahha
I hate the matzo ball feeling

- Response by A Life of the Party, Male, 56-65, Artist / Musician / Writer

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So one month in to your relationship you were posting about emailing your ex-boyfriend and upset he didn't want to talk with you? That was while you were this guys girlfriend.

After a four year relationship you were this guys girlfriend within a month of the last relationship ending. And then a month ago your boyfriend was saying your behavior was giving him reason to doubt if this relationship was right. In one post you say you are 30 yet your initial age information says you are 22-25.

Him being a wonderful man isn't good enough to make things work if you are dishonest, manipulative and flaky.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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You're worried that he can't say "I love you" after 5 months of dating? I wouldn't be worried. Sounds like he has been burned before and wants to be sure of what he is getting in to from his own side. In this case it truly is not about you, its about him. Don't change or do anything, just be your self. If he said I'm not 100% and oh lets spend less time together, then be worried. But until then, stick it out and see where it goes. (if you are going on 2-3 years, this would be a different story.)

It's probably just that he has more anxiety than you about getting attached and then perhaps losing you. He doesn't want heartbreak. Just give him a little time to see that he can trust you with his love.

I'm not sure why, but some guys have a hard time saying "I love you" because for some, they think it's giving up some sort of 'control' over anything that happens in the relationship and some guys like to know they are in control...I dated a guy for over a year before he was able to say "I love you" and when he did say it, I could tell he meant it because of how he said it and when he said it(he told me when we were waiting to hear about how my dad's surgery went)...give him some time to get used to being in a 'committed' relationship and I imagine when he does say he loves you, you will be overjoyed...:)

People are so hung up on words. His actions are the best indicator of whether or not he loves you. There are plenty of people out there that will say they love you when in reality are using their words to their own selfish ends.

- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

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Five months is not long enough to know if you are truly in love with someone. This sounds like infatuation right now. I think your expectations are too high. More importantly, you say you are practically living together: if this means sex, then you have made your first mistake. if you want someone to love you for you, don't have sex with them.....until you are married. You can have sex with anyone these days without any committment or offer of love... So if you are looking for love, you need a different strategy to find that right partner. Somethign to think about. You can't force someone to love you. Good luck.