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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Today I Died, So I Can LIVE!

Photo:Tracy Padmos

At the age of 43 years of age, I was ready to throw in the towel on life. I wanted to quit..as a matter of fact i wanted to quit SO badly that I had even tried to expedite the process...and end my life myself.

But much like everything else I was doing at that stage in my life, I failed at suicide just like I had failed at everything else...just like I had failed at life, at living. I had no idea what I was going to do. I was at a crossroads, the MAJOR crossroads OF MY LIFE, the day AFTER I was supposed to die.

What a terrible mess and you know what? I had nobody to blame BUT myself. This is what the kind of life I had led all of my life, had brought me in the end. I was reaping, what I had sown. What had I sown?

Deceit, Anger, Fear, Selfishness, Self-Centeredness, Drug/Alcohol Addiction, Lies, Insecurity and I had done all this under the assumption, in other words MY assumption that I was in charge. That I knew what to do and when to do it. I sought no guidance from others, I sought no relationship or anything else from God...I actually MOCKED GOD.

I actually had said F**k GOD...I can do better. Boy was I EVER wrong about that. Well my best efforts took me from the very top of our society, from a life of wealth, an amazing, lucrative Job, a wonderful Wife, 2 great kids, Travel, Cars...you name it....to NOTHING. I lost it all and then I lost myself. I could not live...I could not die.

I had no idea what i was going to do. On that day, in June of 2006 I surrendered. I could not fight it any more. I knew that I was powerless over my addiction/alcoholism, that my life was unmanageable.

I began a journey toward a life built on spiritual principals of humility, service to others and seeking a power greater then my-self...seeking a god.

Well it has been a rough road at times but deep down, I knew that something out there was FOR ME...I didn't really know what it or he or she was but by now I KNEW it was THERE FOR ME.

That is how my journey to the Lord began. Today I made a simple statement to the entire world that the god of my understanding, that my Higher Power, my god of choice was indeed: God our Father whose Son Jesus Christ died for my sins and yours on a cross at Calvary. Those two with the Holy Spirit...that is my God.

These days it is imperative for me to NEVER pretend to be something I am not. No, I am what I am...

I'll admit I didn't really WANT to be a Christian..."Oh man, please let me be ANYTHING but THAT!!" But it has been critically clear that I am a follower of the Lord Jesus. No doubt about that. I was originally starting to feel a tinge of embarrassment about it then BOOM, it just stopped.

It was time I that I made a commitment to who and what I had become....I needed to say that in a way that made sure I had no allusions about the path that I had chosen.

So I was baptised this afternoon in front of, I don't know some 60 - 70 people or so at an indoor pool just north of the town of Coldwater. So all the avoidance, the tap dancing that I had been doing here on Shell Shock serenade if OVER...

I'm not kidding, it was of the most profound and important experiences of my life. I was so moved by what happened in my heart this afternoon that even 5 hours later I still feel the intensity of it all as if it has just happened.

After some internal debate (once again I was hesitant to share info about my baptism!) I decided to share a picture of me hugging Pastor Shayne right after I came up out of the water.

It wonderfully captures the most incredible look on my face... a friend has commented about it saying this: "I think maybe that is a peek at what the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding" looks like". I think perhaps he is right.

Today, because of the relationship I have with my Creator...I am at peace for the very first time in my life. I know that I am alright, that life itself is not trying to devour me shred by shred like I used to think it was! I truly felt that...but no longer, NOPE.

I feel so much gratitude today for the life I have and the wonderful people I share my life with today. Thank You...