Posts Tagged ‘coping’

You’re not alone
Together we stand
I’ll be by your side
You know I’ll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There’s no place to go
You know I won’t give in
no I won’t give in

Keep holdin’ on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through
Just, stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you
I’m here for you
There’s nothing you can say (nothin’ you can say)
Nothing you can do (nothin’ you can do)
there’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it’s too late
This could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend (ah ah)
I’ll fight and defend (ah ah) yeah yeah

Keep holdin’ on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through
Just, stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you
I’m here for you
There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
nothing you can do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
[Keep Holding On lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com%5D

We’ll make it through

Hear me when I say
When I say I believe
Nothing’s gonna change
Nothing’s gonna destiny
Whatever’s meant to be
Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah….

La da da da, la da da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holdin’ on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you
I’m here for you
There’s nothing you can say
nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
nothing you can do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through

Ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin’ on
Ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin’ on
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could say
nothin you could do
nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through

First, this picture is not me. I found it on google images. I WISH i looked this good…

Not good, people. Not good. I was given the drug Plaquenil to add to my autoimmune disorder arsenal by my doctor a few weeks ago with the goal of weaning me off the prednisone. I am now covered in a rash from hell over 75 percent of my body. EVERYWHERE you can think of and don’t WANT to think of. And the non specific lupus type disorder I have is gleefully helping the reaction to reach its fullest potential.

Long story short, the morning that my slowly developing rash blew into a full blown stage 3-4 allergic reaction, I also fainted and broke my ankle. So I spent the day in the ER, and was admitted. They were more worried about the fainting in case it signified something serious. It didn’t. AFter mega dollars in testing the fainting was attributed to an episode of low blood pressure.

I look like a monster. I feel like a monster. I have red, elephant ears. You can barely see any skin beneath the eruptions. My face is masked with them…Does anyone have any recommendations for excriating itching? I”m taking steroids and antihistamine but topically nothing is offering much relief except ice packs. Oatmeal bath – so so.. Coritsone cream the same…. wahhhhhh!!!! 😦

I have so many clients who come to me with histories of abuse, tragedy or loss. They are usually in my office for something else: problems with the kids, finding or keeping a partner in life, depression, etc. The list goes on and on for what we shrinks call “the presenting problem”. When a careful assessment uncovers the sorrow underneath, the silent sorrow that drives the current problem, they very often shrug it off. Therapist empathy falls upon a stone wall.

“I don’t want to feel sorry for myself,” they say. And let me tell you, they really mean it that they don’t want to feel sorry for themselves. And I don’t blame them. The words have such a negative connotation. That connotation has been imposed on all of us by our fast moving culture that wants people to “get over it”. And so such words as “feeling sorry for herself” evoke the image of a person who wants to wallow in misery. No one wants to be that person, in their own eyes or in the eyes of others. So walls are built to hide the feelings. Sometimes even from yourself.

But wallowing is one thing. Working to get through it is something else again. You have to get through whatever is behind the wall if you want your present life to improve. Here’s the thing: you have to feel it to get through it. It is ok to have compassion for yourself and what you went through. Compassion is a feeling of sympathy along with the desire or yearning to alleviate the suffering of another. It is ok to extend the same compassion to yourself that you would to a loved one who went through the same thing. You need to have compassion for yourself in order to allow yourself to feel the feelings and walk through, and beyond, the pain.

This link is offered for anyone who has lupus and would like to be able to explain the fatigue aspect of it in a non-medical way. It is also offered for anyone who would like to understand how someone so ill could look so…normal! (or why someone who looks so normal when they come to your house for dinner does not get up to help you with anything!)(http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/

How would you like to be living with a disease that attacks your own cells and organs? Things like your skin, heart, lungs, brain, joints and kidneys? How would you like to be living with a disease in which your own body has turned on you and may eventually kill you? That would be lupus. You’ve probably heard of it, but do you know, exactly, what it is? An amazing amount of people don’t, considering it’s high incidence in our population.

The Lupus Foundation of America estimates that more than 16,000 Americans develop this disease each year, and 90% of them are women ages 15 – 45. Lupus is a non-contagious, autoimmune disease. Normally the body’s immune system makes proteins called antibodies, to protect the bgody against viruses, bacteria, and otehr foreign materials. These foreign materials are called anitgens. With Lupus, the immune system cannot tell the difference between foreign substances and its own cells and tissues. So the immune system then makes antibodies directed against itself. These antibodies – acalled “auto-antibodies” cause inflammation, pain and damage in various parts of the body.

“It’s taken some time but I think I’ve finally decided what was the first defining moment in my life. When I was little, every summer my family would rent a house at the beach. One morning when my father, sister and I were headed onto the beach, the sun was so hot it made the sand too hot for me to step on. I told my dad and sister this but unfortunately they didn’t think the sand was hot so they kept walking towards the water. I was stuck. I wanted to swim but did not want the hot sand to burn my feet. I stood on the deck for a few minutes trying to think of what to do. I finally figured out that I could slide my feet through the sand so they would not have to touch the top part of the sand that was so hot from the sun beating on it. This is my first defining moment because it was the first time in my life I had to figure out how to handle a situation without anyone else’s help. While it seems like a silly childhood memory, when faced with challenges in my life I often remember this moment and it helps me think of how to face the challenge without ‘burning my feet’. ” Written by Cheryl in a previous comment.

Its a nasty little creature but it does have a good purpose. Assuming you’re not a sociopath you know what it feels like. We all do. Who hasn’t done something wrong in this life and felt awful about it? We’re supposed to feel bad when we do something bad…. The healthy feeling of guilt prods us into making amends. For example, you’ve had a lousy week at work and realize you’ve been very cranky to your Person ( I happen to like this word much better than “significant other”. Its shorter and …well…more personal.) So when you realize this, and feel appropriately guilty, you apologize. Hopefully you have a healthy enough relationship that your Person accepts the apology and you’re both done with feeling offended and feeling guilty. And you move on.

But there’s another kind of guilt where the guilt creature turns into a monster that rules your life…not the kind that prods you to make amends, but the kind that takes over your life and relationships. A logical, cognitive solution that helps some of my clients, and maybe will help you, is this:

Imagine yourself in a court of law, where your guilt must be proven so that appropriate punishment, or amends, can be decided. You’re the defendant representing yourself because no honest attorney worth their salt would represent you in this case.

Judge Judy, who has moved up to a higher court in her career (no I’ve never watched her in my entire life and I don’t feel guilty lying about this either) : Ok, so its the State vs. You. What exactly is the crime we’re trying?

You (possibly stuttering at this point!): Uh, not a crime…..I just feel really guilty….

Judge Judy: Where’s your lawyer?

You: I couldn’t find one to defend me.

Judge Judy: Well why not? That tells me already that no one even thought you had a case.

You: Well….my therapist told me to come.

Judge Judy, rubbing her eyes: Oh my dear God, why do therapists always send their clients to me? Do I look like a therapist???? What crime does your therapist think you commited?

You: Well….nothing…that’s why she told me to come here.

Judge Judy: Fine. So she wants me to do her work?

You: Well, actually I think she wants me to do the work….

Judge Judy with a flamboyant sigh : Ok, lets get on with this. What crime do you think you committed?

You: Well, not a crime, exactly….I just feel guilty about….everything….

Judge Judy: Could you give me an example?

You: Well, my son is unhappy a lot…actually he’s depressed…so I feel guilty all the time for being a terrible mother.

Judge Judy with confusion on her face: How old is your son?

You: 25.

Judge Judy (sighing and with even more confusion on her face) : Ok…so….what exactly is the crime that I should convict you of?

You: Well, I didn’t say I committed a crime.

Judge Judy: But you did say you feel guilty. Guilt by definition indicates wrongdoing of some kind. What did you do wrong?

You: Well….I’m not exactly sure….but I must have done something wrong to be feeling so guilty. If I’d been a good mother maybe he would’ve turned out happier.

Judge Judy: Did you take algebra in school? From what I’m hearing, a + b is not equal to c here.

You: Excuse me?

Judge Judy: You have not convinced me with any logic at all that you are guilty of anything. Feelings do not necessarily imply cause and effect. What has your son chosen to do about his depression? Does he see a therapist? Is he on medication?

You: No….

Judge Judy: Why not?

You: He just….won’t….he flatly refuses.

Judge Judy: Are you supportive? Do you love him?

You: Of course!

Judge Judy: So what are you guilty of? (She raises her hand in the air, to stop any possible interruption). And please don’t tell me about his childhood stuff. That’s your stuff you’re consumed with here, not his. He’s a man now and its his choice how to deal , or not deal with, the effects of his childhood. Did you do the best that you knew how when you raised him? Have you apologized for any serious mistakes you made?

You: Yes! But if I could, I’d go back and do things differently now….

Judge Judy: Wouldn’t we all…thus the old saying “if I knew then what I know now”….But you have not convinced me of any crime worth the guilt you’re carrying on our back like a boulder. What was your crime? What should I convict you of?

You: I could’ve been a better mother.

Judge Judy: I cannot convict you of youth and imperfection. Would you convict a mother of that?

You: No…

Judge Judy: Then what are you guilty of?

You: Nothing….

Judge Judy: Whose responsibility is it for your son to get help? Can you pick him up and carry him into a therapist’s office? Can he still fit into a car seat? How big is he?

You: Too big (and now the light dawns…)

You grab Judge Judy’s gavel and slam it yourself. Case dismissed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So think about it…if you will….and tell me….of what crime have youconvicted yourself?

A defining moment for me was when I learned the secret. I overheard a woman I admired, a former boss, responding to a request for her time with the phrase “that’s not gonna work for me”. She didn’t make up a million excuses for giving her time. She didn’t recite a list of activities that would prevent her from doing what someone had asked. What a beautifully honest response. Maybe it wasn’t gonna work because she’d planned to spend her time staying in with a good book that night. Think about how important your time is. Your sands in your hourglass.

It was a defining moment for me because until then I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know how to set a boundary between my needs and wants and those of others. It was a big moment on my journey to define myself.

I know we hear the phrase a lot. Its no longer original. (Though in my opinion whoever first said it and set it in motion deserves an award of some kind.) But its usually used when two people in the business or professional world have their schedules in front of them and are trying to arrive at a mutually agreeable appointment. In the personal realm its a different story. At least, according to what I hear in my office. I hear way too many people telling me they went somewhere they didn’t want to go ,with someone theydidn’t want to go with. When asked why, they will sheepishly tell me they feel guilty to say no to just about any request.

The guilt thing is something else again. Another post for another day. All I can tell you is when I coach people to begin to use this simple phrase in their personal lives, they see it really works for them. Because usually there is some family member who is accustomed to arguing or debating or insisting that they do something according to their agenda. This phrase stops them dead in their tracks. How can any reasonable person argue it? Ah, but so and so is beyond, beyond unreasonable, you think? All you have to do is never veer off the “that’s not gonna work for me” path. Don’t explain or make excuses because then they’ve engaged you into your former pattern and before you know it you’ve given up more precious sands from your hourglass. Once my clients learn to use this phrase they feel happier, less stressed, and are on their way to defining themselves.

So now I’ve shared another defining moment. Please think about it and tell me, if you will, what was yours?

SUICIDE HOTLINE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Disclaimer: This site is a creative outlet for the author and is not intended for individual, professional advice. The author can take no responsibility for people in crisis. If you need immediate help, please call the suicide hotline
1-800-273-TALK (8255), call 911, or go to your nearest hospital emergency room.