Damnit, penis!https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com
My story on my personal battle with quitting pornTue, 26 Sep 2017 21:36:41 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngDamnit, penis!https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com
Easier Said Than Donehttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/easier-said-than-done/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/easier-said-than-done/#respondSun, 29 Jan 2012 22:14:47 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=110]]>Soooooo, I’ll admit, I’ve been on a bit of a binge lately. I’m not blaming her, but my girlfriend did kinda spark it by showing off the twins on Skype. I took one or two snaps of what was going on, and when I got back later that night and wanted to see the pics again, I might as well have been looking at porn, it honestly got the same response. I tried to shrug off the urges and go to sleep, but insomnia kicked in and I came to a “fuck it” moment where I pretty much said “You know what, I actually enjoy this stuff, and I want to see it again.”

Looking back at it now, all addicts have that thought about any addiction…

That little good-at-the-time thought put me on a binge until this morning. Yesterday I ate nothing until 8PM; I binged and edged the entire day. I felt absolutely rotten by the time I decided to orgasm and have something to eat. I also had a headache and felt horribly uncomfortable in my own skin. Once I had eaten, I felt much better, so guess what happened? Of course…

The funny thing is that I managed to punch this out with all filters enabled on K9 and no means of resetting my password. I won’t mention any sites, but I came across one that basically indexes pictures loaded onto image-hosting sites for bookmarking purposes, and I happened to come across a batch of porno pictures and gif’s. It wasn’t by accident, I was looking for such a website only expecting to find like bikini models and such, and hit the jackpot. I think the hunt for porn made it far more exciting, and once I found my poison I was lost.

I don’t get it, I honestly don’t. I understand that porn takes a hold of you and you want it, but where does my brain disappear to in those moments? Why does the thought of watching porn completely override any reasoning I have to avoid it? I’ve made arguments in the past that learning to dodge porn like the plague must come from within and, in my opinion, porn blockers harm this sort of progress and I strongly feel that any man is above porn and can kick it out of his system, and he must learn to do so in his own way without using blockers. Is it confidence, willpower, or belief in myself that I’m lacking? Why am I OK with spending an entire day, skipping meals and human contact, just so I can indulge in porn? In my mind I know it’s wrong, why it’s wrong, why it hooks me, why I’d want to come back, but then where does that clever brain go when I see some boobs?

I won’t lie, this porn things beats me up and makes me feel like a lesser man. I damn near had 2 months of progress, for the second time in ever, and yet here I am struggling to go a week again. It makes me feel like such a child and incapable of anything, which probably brings me back to the misery of looking at the stuff. After a month’s progress I look at other blogs and posts of people bouncing back and forth between 3 days of progress followed by porn binges like “Ha! Weakling”. Now I’m the “weakling”.

I think a reality check was in order, and I certainly got it. Didn’t think I’d get sucked into day-long binges like I did, and yet here I am. Maybe I wasn’t taking this as seriously as I should have, maybe I became arrogant with progress and figured it was easy. It isn’t. No man is above porn to begin with, and not for a long time, it takes work to get to that point, and avoiding porn is the easy part, it’s the personal growth that has to happen without porn as a comforter. Porn takes away from you exactly what you need to get past it, confidence. You have to grow as a man to get over it, learn self-confidence, become reliant on yourself to push past basic urges and be strong in your mind to know what’s right and wrong, and what to do with yourself. People who engage in porn as much I do don’t respect themselves, it’s clear.

Porn addicts are usually treated with kid-gloves in my experience, that’s it’s “OK” when you relapse and better luck next time, you made good progress, more than last time, etc, etc. I think it’s coming to a point now where I think, for me at least, kid-gloves don’t work. Going back to porn because you feel sad, lonely, horny, depressed, nothing, etc. is all a cop-out. There’s no good reason to, and the only way I allow myself to go back to porn is because, somewhere in that head of mine, something says it’s OK, and that part of my brain is probably OK with my somewhat crappy station in life. And I’m pretty convinced that ‘part’ of me is low self-confidence and respect, and it needs to die. An absolutely bloody, merciless death at the hands of a serious regime change.

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/easier-said-than-done/feed/0damnitpenisDay 3 – Confusionhttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/15/day-3-confusion/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/15/day-3-confusion/#respondSun, 15 Jan 2012 21:00:44 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=107]]>So, as you know I had a short-lived relapse almost 3 days ago, and since then it’s been, well, interesting. For one, I can honestly say that I feel better. It’s only 3 days in, so I still have plenty of time to wait for side-effects, but in general I can’t say it’s been difficult at all. The maddening depression has disappeared, I’m not in a constant state of gloom, and have actually been doing a lot of work. I’ve noticed before that keeping myself really busy not only helped me with recovery but actually improved my mood for a while, and these past few days have not been short of things to do. My mind has been completely off of porn, haven’t woken up feeling the need like I would after a binge.

I can’t put my finger on whether it was the relapse, seeing friends almost solidly since then or keeping myself busy that’s improved my mood drastically. It was definitely a marked difference straight after the relapse, though, and it’s just gotten better since then. I really don’t know what to make of it, I’d be guessing at this point.

Did, not necessarily the porn viewing, but the orgasm change something? It’s not often that I go beyond a month without release, especially with sex out of the frame at the moment. Not masturbating constantly definitely makes me feel better, but maybe completely abstaining has the reverse effect after a month or so? Is this something I would experience if I wasn’t in porn recovery? As much as I’d like to say keeping myself busy or interacting with friends was the help here, I was having mad depression even though I see my friends at least once every two days, and when I was busy it was only a temporary relief from the depression, it would come back slowly. Is this my brain seeking its favourite medicine, orgasm? Is the growing depression I felt while I was abstaining part of a healing process, and that I must go through, or is abstinence not necessarily a good thing over the long-term? I’m going to be holding off orgasm for about another 3 weeks if all goes well, seeing the girlfriend soon and I don’t trust myself to withhold orgasms once I get there. I’ve considered Karezza, for sure, I just think that having not seen her for a while things could get a bit… hot. So I’m going to be paying close attention to whether I start to get mopey because I’m not busy, or if it’s going to last a while regardless and that it might have something to do with orgasm.

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/15/day-3-confusion/feed/0damnitpenisDay 1 – Relapse on Day 41https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/13/day-1-relapse-on-day-41/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/13/day-1-relapse-on-day-41/#respondFri, 13 Jan 2012 00:22:58 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=104]]>I just made a silly mistake on Day 41. I’ve been posting quite a lot about how depro I’ve been over the past 2 weeks or so, and tonight I just couldn’t stand it. I pretty much had an argument with my girlfriend tonight about how miserable I am and how her moving across the country hurt me, and in trying to get to bed at a reasonable time so I can wake up in the morning (as opposed to the afternoon), I couldn’t sleep. My mind was just full of this and that issue and concern, and that has not only been the trigger for porn in the past, but easily the whole reason why I got into porn – I was miserable, and didn’t want to think about. I’ve had two or three nights like this, and tonight was just too much.

Porn lets you not think, and that’s why I slipped tonight. I just didn’t want to worry about everything. I can honestly say I have never felt this miserable in my life. And whether or not it’s because my brain is recovering or because it has recovered and it’s the gravity of just how crappy my situation is, I don’t know. Maybe I’ve never allowed myself to feel sad about things, porn always kept those strong emotions away, and this is the first time I’ve experienced it since I was like 10. And how sad could I possibly have been when I was 10? I can feel the proof right now; everything I was concerned about before I started has magically disappeared and I actually feel better, despite the relapse. I know I’m going to feel depro tomorrow and craving another porn binge, but tonight I kept it (relatively) short and sweet and won’t let myself dive into a full-blown binge. This is the first time I’ve really noticed how using porn basically numbs my depression, and even makes me feel better.

The problem, going forward, is that I know I’m going to have these crappy days again, and I really, really can’t deal with it. It isn’t a general depression, it’s centred around my current station in life. I freelance, and so I spend a lot of time at home, and I can’t stand being home by myself feeling like I have nothing to do and being left alone with all these thoughts. I see my friends at least 2 or 3 times a week at this point, I’m going to gym for an hour 3 times a week, but I still have many hours left in a day where I don’t have work to do and I’m left with thoughts of how I’m not moving on with my life. This relapse won’t help that one bit. I’ve really got stuck in a cycle of negative thought, and I know it doesn’t help, I’m at a point in my life where money seems to be gateway to my happiness, and I’m not earning a lot of it, not at all, and it gets to me. Flights to see my girlfriend are expensive. Moving out my parents’ house would cost (a lot of) money, but would save my sanity (they’re a constant source of anger). Getting my own car paid for costs money. New, not-crappy-looking clothes and shoes cost money. It feels like money means everything at this point, and if I could just find my way I would be happy. I know that’s unrealistic, but it’s hard to see otherwise when it feels like you can’t afford the basics. And as much as I’d love to just suck it in and get a job so I can have a stable source of income, the past 4 years since I left highschool have taught me that I’m truly not suited to the 9-to-5 of being someone else’s tool to riches, that I feel I can make myself. I don’t have any certificates or diplomas to my name, which wouldn’t help me get back into the job-market either. I don’t want to subscribe to that system while I’m still young and have a chance of making my own name out here, but geez if it isn’t difficult.

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/13/day-1-relapse-on-day-41/feed/0damnitpenisDay 38 – Cracks Appearinghttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/day-38-cracks-appearing/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/day-38-cracks-appearing/#commentsMon, 09 Jan 2012 23:20:52 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=98]]>I’ve been waking up these past few days in the midst of a sexual dream, all involving my girlfriend (a nice change) and in what I’d call normal sexual situations. It’s giving me serious morning wood which I guess is a good sign, but if I don’t have these dreams it’s still dead. Today is Day 13 since my last orgasm, perhaps this idea of a 2-week recovery isn’t that far off. Nice to wake up with a boner, whatever caused it, been a while.

I’d like some input from the guys here, do you find that on the days where you either have a dream/intense fantasy, and don’t engage it for long, you’re miserable for that day? Today I had another pretty mopey day, and I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t linked to having these dreams because it’s possibly a trigger. I rarely ever had sexual dreams while I was on porn, now I have them 4 or 5 times a week, so it was never a trigger in the past, but maybe it’s causing subconscious cravings that are leaving me depressed when they happen.

Last night was interesting. I’m happily committed to my girlfriend, make no mistake, but I was chilling with a few friends last night, and one girl in particular just seemed absolutely alive with signals. I’ve never felt a connection happen that wasn’t verbal, but it was certainly there, unless I’m mad. I was picking up cues here and there, lingering eye contact, laughter, smiles, etc. It was so refreshing, to actually feel a link to another person that wasn’t explicit and obvious. It felt more human. She was probably just being friendly and it’s in her nature, but whatever it was felt good. I wonder what contact with my girlfriend will be like in a month’s time!

I also notice in public settings that I’m not being ignored. I know that sounds strange, but I think porn puts you in a mindset of being unattractive, or apathy really, and you actually don’t see people showing interest in you. Walking around the gym these past few days it’s actually been difficult not to notice wandering eyes from the ladies. And if I make eye contact with someone I can actually engage them, instead of turning into a miserable lump of defeat, got more than few smiles that way.

I posted about 10 days into my recovery that I was noticing a greater depth to music. Well, I’m starting to wonder if this kind of enjoyment is linked to how long it’s been since my last orgasm, since today is Day 13 and, again, I’m starting to appreciate musical depth. Honestly, I’m listening to a progressive house track right now that, if I allowed it to, would easily move me to tears. It’s a beautiful track, it’s the reason I’m posting. Is it possible that orgasm numbs your response to the finer things in life, for the 2 weeks it takes to bounce back from them? If that’s the case I never want one again! It’s such a difficult beauty to describe, something that just makes you feel warm and alive inside. Orgasms are immensely brief and powerful, but leave you feeling empty (har har). I’m starting to appreciate human contact, music and nature much, much more.

In general I’d have to say I’m still feeling pretty down, I’m just having more and more good moments as opposed to consistently “blah” moments. Spending time with friends if definitely good for me, I’m starting to find it easier to laugh with them and take more comedic risks, and spending time with people feels good in itself, having successful interactions with people even if it’s just asking the parents a few questions. I feel more connected to the world.

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/day-38-cracks-appearing/feed/1damnitpenisDay 30 – Possible Chaserhttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/day-30-possible-chaser/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/day-30-possible-chaser/#respondSun, 01 Jan 2012 18:40:30 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=94]]>I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what else to do, and perhaps I’ll come out feeling a little better and with some understanding. I don’t know if it’s because of the post New Year’s blues, or because I couldn’t spend it with my girlfriend, or because of the recovery, but again today I feel completely rotten. I’ve gone in a cycle of listening to music, browsing a few sites, playing a game or two, and once I’m bored I just… sleep. I have nothing to do, don’t feel like seeing anyone, don’t feel like doing anything, so I’ve just been sleeping. Even the sound of music is irritating me, no matter what I play.

Been playing games, and since I’m out of practice compared to how I used to play, I feel pretty useless at times and it is so frustrating playing a game with the mindset of if I’m not winning and getting my ass handed to me, I’m not having fun. Being competitive is just who I am, and it becomes irritating when you’re losing. And in the midst of being angry I sort of come to and realise, I could probably get to the point where I consistently kick serious ass, but that requires a commitment that is truly and utterly pointless, I know from much experience. Games exist in a completely separately realm from the real world, nothing can come from it that benefits your life unless you’re winning million-dollar competitions, but what was the sacrifice to get there? And what good is money to you when you’re spending your waking hours slouched in front of a screen? Considering I can’t really play games just for fun, unless it’s The Sims or something open-ended, I should probably drop them ASAP. I know I probably shouldn’t be playing games at all or aimlessly browsing the net, but honestly, what else is there to do when you feel this way? I now attend gym for an hour three times a week, and I try seeing my friends as often as possible and making a point of trying to see them, but beyond that there are still many other hours in a week that are filled with just plain boredom.

I don’t feel strong enough to commit myself to studying programming, even though I convince myself that “I’ll do some today”. It never happens, but with the time I’ve wasted so far I’d be programming like a boss right now. I’ve really been struggling committing myself to any course of action for years. Gym has been a step in the right direction, and 2 weeks in I’m still keen to go, but I’m worried I won’t feel that way soon and start missing sessions. Maybe out of my recovery I’ll find ways of committing myself to things, but until then it’s really difficult. My enthusiasm for whatever it is just disappears within about 3 weeks.

The other possibility I have for this misery is the forever-awesome chaser effect. Against my better judgement I engaged in phone sex with my girlfriend where we both MO’d. That was almost 5 days ago. I noticed on the second day afterward the same feeling I’m writing about now, but today is markedly much worse and I needed to write it out. So perhaps this is just a really bad chaser, and I have two weeks of this to look forward to – woo! Won’t be doing that again anytime soon. Thinking about it now I’ve always had a chaser effect after masturbating, for the next day I feel really tired and foggy. While I’m masturbating, I know for certain I’ll wake up feeling drowsy and will feel that way for the day. I just didn’t realise it went further than that, stretching on for a week or more. I probably masturbated so much I didn’t realise it wasn’t just a one-day recovery, it’s probably what made me come back to porn and masturbation so often, this miserable feeling. And since I’m not filling the void with porn, my brain is, like a child, holding its breath to get what it wants.

On a more upbeat note, tomorrow will officially be a month free from porn, and if I can keep myself together for the next few days (or however long this fog will last) I can then really appreciate it for what it is – good, honest progress, and halfway to two months (a troublesome point for me). But I have full intention of shooting past two months this time; I can now see that porn buries a better person, even though I don’t feel that way right now.

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/day-30-possible-chaser/feed/0damnitpenisWeb Protection Bad for Porn Recovery?https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/web-protection-bad-for-porn-recovery/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/web-protection-bad-for-porn-recovery/#commentsThu, 29 Dec 2011 09:48:01 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=88]]>Porn recovery, to me, has a lot more to do with ignoring urges and visual triggers that would normally take you back to porn, and learning how to internalise those urges and move past them. When you use a web filter, you outright block the possibility of accessing porn sites or sexual content (well, 90% of it anyway). This is good in the sense that you severely lessen the possibility of coming across a trigger and going back to porn, but I’m now thinking it’s harmful in that it doesn’t prepare you for facing triggers that you absolutely will come across at home or outside, and denies you many opportunities for growth.

If it were possible to 100% block any sexual-orientated content, even slightly suggestive content, written or visual, on the internet as well as on TV, and you did this for a while, won’t you absolutely freak out and get hit in the chest with the urge to look at porn if, say, you drive past a billboard advertising lingerie? Or come across some half-naked model at the back of your newspaper? Or walk past a magazine stand? I can’t speak for everyone’s triggers, so examples will vary. We live in a world where we are surrounded by sexual content; if you’re intentionally covering your eyes in order to recover, I think you’re going to freak out when you take a peek between your fingers, and then rush home to binge.

Your web filter is a last line of defence if you are trying to look at porn. At this point, personally, I think you’ve relapsed already, even if you don’t find any. You’ve given in to the urge and are seeking your fix; this alone is a dopamine rush. You might only find much softer versions of porn, or bikini models, or whatever, but the damage is done. Web filters are never going to be 100% safe, too many porn domains are registered daily, and heuristics can only take you so far. If sexual content is falling between the cracks of your web protection, it’s because you’re looking for it.

I know that disabling web protection calls for an immense amount of willpower to not look at porn, but that’s the point. The only hope porn addicts have of recovering is if they learn their own way of coming across suggestive content, ignoring it, and moving onto something else, or going outside or whatever it is you need to do to not give in to even peeking at something. You’ll only grow by facing the urge of looking at porn, and moving past it, because when (not if) you come across triggers in the real world, you’ll be hit with massive urges to binge, because you’ve intentionally prevented exposure to this stuff. It’s like staying indoors all your life to prevent severe sunburn. Guess what, next time you need to go outside to do something, your pasty white skin won’t last 5 minutes. Your only hope is to expose yourself to the sun in small bursts, while wearing sun screen (not sun block) and “hardening” and adjusting your skin to sun exposure. Sun screen, here, is your own self-control and discipline, as opposed to sun block, your web filter, doing all the hard work for you. Using a web filter is, to me, a subtle hint to your mind that you don’t trust yourself to control your urges, which hurts your self-confidence. You must be able to rely on yourself to avoid porn viewing in any form.

In the past few days I’ve seen small thumbnails pop up on my Facebook feed from groups I’m subscribed to posting pictures of cars, and in the thumbnails I see there’s half naked women lying across the bonnet. My brain tells me “click on it to make sure, is that a half-naked woman? We should check it out, so we know we must avoid it”. Right. I hide the story, and move on. I see my friends reading articles about some lewd clothing some actress was wearing. I have to ignore it, and not give in. Things like that have happened to me many times these past few days, and you know what? It’s helping. As strange as that sounds, coming across blatant triggers for my porn usage in the past, and learning to move past them is helping me more than just blocking myself from ever seeing them. Like I said, it prepares me for real-world temptation, like parking outside a Hooters restaurant even though I’m not going there. In the past I would’ve rushed home and gone on a porn binge, but not now. I know the feeling I get when I want to look at something that’ll trigger me, and when I feel it I know I mustn’t give in, even if my body begs me to, and move on.

I’m not saying you should disable your web filters and try and find triggers just to test yourself out, you’ll fail. Trying to find triggers is called looking at porn, last I checked. Disable it, and just go about your daily business, obviously avoiding “Men’s” websites and the like. You’ll come across news stories, thumbnails, web advertisements, e-mails, music videos and a whole bunch of stuff that’ll make you want to go back to porn (you know that feeling!) but do not give in. If you get that feeling in your chest that makes you want to look at something because it’s turning you on, get away.

Personally, I use K9 Web Protection as well as Ad Block to block web advertisements, but that’s it. I find advertising annoying wherever it is to begin with, but the problem I was facing was that sexually-orientated advertisements were showing up on websites I use to download music/movies/TV series. They sit right there on the side of the screen while I’m looking through harmless content; I don’t need that sort of interference. Those same websites contain porn, I know they do, but I avoid those links like the devil.

Remember, recovering alcoholics don’t break their addiction by forcing all liquor stores, bars and restaurants to lock their doors permanently so that they can’t buy alcohol. They also can’t prevent empty beer bottles appearing on the side of the road, and can’t demand that alcohol advertising (wherever it may be) be removed. They must learn, by themselves (with the advice of others), to engage those urges and not give in. Whether it is that they must rush off to an AA buddy to slow themselves down, or drive/walk away from whatever it is, they must learn to not give in when faced with temptation which, much like porn, will be everywhere.

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/web-protection-bad-for-porn-recovery/feed/1damnitpenisDay 24 – Fantasieshttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/26/day-24-fantasies/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/26/day-24-fantasies/#respondMon, 26 Dec 2011 07:47:15 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=81]]>Been having more and more fantasies these past three days. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, which has been a big trigger in the past and is definitely not helping things.

They seem to be quite evenly split between involving my girlfriend and generic pornstars, but the scenes are always pornographic in nature. It’s difficult trying to think of other things or force the fantasy out of my mind, as they’re leaving behind stronger and stronger feelings of desire and lust. The visuals might not be there in my mind, but the feelings are. They’re very random and intrusive, hopefully I can spot some triggers soon and avoid them. Haven’t caved into masturbation, and strangely enough they don’t give me an erection. Then again, I haven’t had any noticeable erections since I quit.

It always amazes me when I’m rebooting to realise just how much sexually-orientated content there is out there. I think I’m safe browsing forums about cars and such, and yet people’s avatars are of nude women straddling cars, or there’s some link to a raunchy photoshoot on Facebook, the Pirelli calendar, etc. Porn and it’s softer depictions have been heavily infused into what we deem reasonable and normal, and can be found everywhere from straight up porn to ‘harmless’ advertising. I’ve been very good in avoiding all of this stuff, not even clicking it “just to make sure” like my brain keeps telling me, and blocking pictures quickly as I go along so I don’t see them again, but it definitely puts you in that make or break situation. Maybe that’s important, like user singersewing says here:

“God develops the fruit of the Spirit in your life by allowing you to experience circumstances in which you’re tempted to express the exact opposite quality.”

So while it’s damn difficult, it’s important to do anything else except give in, so that you grow stronger.

Exercise has been good, started this past week and honestly look forward to future workouts, makes me feel better in general and enthusiastic about having a better build. I also converted my desk into a standing desk, which has worked miracles on my poor internet browsing habits. Since I’m not comfortable and sitting in a chair, my computer usage has been reduced to stuff I need to do instead of just whatever I want. I’m still getting used to it though, have been having pain in my hips and feet, and I keep wanting to lie down to relax my feet because the pain because a bit distracting after a while, which prevents me from working. But I’ll see how it goes, willing to try it out for at least a month. Here’s why I converted:

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/26/day-24-fantasies/feed/0damnitpenisSitting is Killing YouDay 16 – Half Monthhttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/day-16-half-month/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/day-16-half-month/#respondSun, 18 Dec 2011 15:34:12 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=76]]>A few hours ago I officially passed the half way mark to my first month off of porn. Won’t lie, feels good, I just wish the days would go by a little bit faster! Want to see things like 3 or 4 months behind me!

Today I finalised a gym membership, deciding that the benefits far outweigh the financial cost, especially since my financial situation is temporary until my company gets off the ground. Besides, I got a very nice Christmas special! I’d like to thank everyone here who pushed me toward doing some routine physical exercise, I’ll be getting things going with the Stronglifts 5×5 program three times a week and hopefully throw in some regular tennis/squash if I can convince my friends.

Still having issues staying away from my PC, which was a good reason to sign up at the gym. I know I spend most of my time on this thing, so I’m either going to force myself into using it more constructively or curb usage altogether such as with porn until I can balance it out. I’ve signed up at a distance-learning university in Computer Science, starting next year, so hopefully with studies needed to be done I’ll have good motivation to use my PC effectively.

I’ve been noticing a difference in my discipline since I’ve started. For one, and this is rare and most noticeable, I’ve been managing to wake up consistently at 8AM every day. I owe a huge amount of credit to the Android application Alarm Clock Extreme, which has a function whereby you have to do maths in order to silence the alarm. I also have the alarm gradually come into full volume over 10 minutes, and have disabled snooze. These things combined have worked wonders for me. I don’t have to wake up in a panic and jump across my room to turn it off, only to jump back into bed. It comes in so gradually it takes a while to be blended out of my dreams, and when I realise it’s going off it’s still not loud enough to panic. I put it on the other side of my room so I must get up, I then have to do three fairly simple math sums to turn it off, and by that stage I’m not interested in going back to sleep. 8AM might sound like heaven to most of you, but for me I often fell into habits of waking up after 11AM, and I was never ever consistent. I’m even doing it over weekends, and sometimes waking up before my alarm goes off. Over the coming weeks I’ll push it down to 7AM.

When it comes to simple things like deciding whether or not to brush my teeth when I’m exhausted at night, and forcing myself to, or making myself a proper breakfast instead of just throwing cereal into a bowl, I’m picking the harder option more often. These are small things, but up until now I’ve suffered from a complete lack of discipline, even it was for brushing my teeth, showering, shaving, eating regularly, getting out of bed after waking up, etc. It feels like I need to get these seemingly insignificant things in order so I can start tackling the important things in life, all the while leaving porn behind.

Still no morning wood or surging horniness. Of all things I wish these would return to normal first, they make you feel so virile and alive. I know their absence makes me want to go back to porn, almost to subconsciously assert myself, but there’s no going back!

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/day-16-half-month/feed/0damnitpenisDay 12 – On Repeathttps://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/14/day-12-on-repeat/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/14/day-12-on-repeat/#respondWed, 14 Dec 2011 17:39:40 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=74]]>It is now Day 12 and the war rages on. In the absence of porn, it seems that I’ve fallen into a constantly repeating routine. Nothing is really engaging me, like I feel detached from what is I’m doing because I’m just trying to pass the time, not actually enjoying any of it. I don’t feel noticeably better or worse than when I started this recovery, I just feel nothing, which I’ve posted about before. I feel adrift. Perhaps that’s worse.

I know I would be viewing porn right now, and I worry that the longer I go without it the more of a trigger this boredom or just plain lack-of-stuff-I-want-to-do will become. I know I should fill my time with friends, exercise, meditation, productive work, listening to good music, learning something new, etc, etc, I just don’t want to, at all. And that’s not to say I’d rather do anything else.

So I find myself opening and closing the same group of websites constantly. Nothing changes, and yet I’m doing this over and over again every few minutes. Open Facebook, e-mail, forums and motoring, self-help and technological blogs. Close them all. Open them again. Repeat a few times until numb, decide to do something else. Play music, don’t want to listen to anything after a short while. Open and close websites. Decide to play games to pass the time, feel equally numb and disengaged. Stop playing games. Go back to websites. Repeat, forever and ever amen.

I think a big problem is that, since my parents work from home and in a different section of the house, I’m alone. TV here is always terrible to watch, which is pretty much the only other thing I’d leave my room to do, other than to eat or use the loo. There’s nothing that really appeals to me outside of my bedroom, which is where my computer and gaming equipment sit. So I sit in this chair the whole day. And if I don’t really want to do anything on my computer, I’m kind of stuck with staying here anyway because there’s nothing for me outside. So while the stuff actually bores me to tears, it’s all easily accessible and just helps me pass the time.

What irritates me the most is that I’d quite like to learn how to do some decent programming in Java or some other such language (would like to do Android development), and have everything I could possibly need in order to do so. Do I? Of course not. That would be boring, my mind tells me, not the constantly repeating cycle I find myself in. I can’t summon the will and concentration required to go through the stuff, and yet I do this other crap on repeat all day. I could’ve reverse engineered Windows by now!

Is it worth fighting this state of, well, numbness? Is it a part of my recovery? What do I do? Do I wait it out until I can stand on my own two feet and start doing the things I would rather and probably should do, or can I do that already and I just don’t want to admit it? Is determination and willpower even available to me when I’m fighting back an addiction like this?

]]>https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/14/day-12-on-repeat/feed/0damnitpenisDay 10https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/day-10/
https://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/day-10/#respondMon, 12 Dec 2011 19:07:21 +0000http://damnitpenis.wordpress.com/?p=69]]>Today is Day 10 of my recovery, and so far I’m still going strong. I think it was very important to identify and acknowledge all my triggers that would make me want to view porn, and actively avoid them. Now when the urges hit they feel like an insect in a box that you’re observing within your mind instead of being overcome by desire, but it’s still early days.

My girlfriend of many years has officially moved across the country as of today, and I’m a bit concerned about how it affects my recovery! No one to cuddle, kiss and hold, no intimacy, no physical contact, no lovemaking, nudda. I think I’m heading into very difficult, unknown territory. I wish I had a few months of recovery behind me before she left! We’ll see how things go, we’ll be trying to see each once every 2 months at least.

Other than that, it’s been quite an emotional rollercoaster. Attending a 21st over the weekend, and I’m not sure if it was because everyone and their mother was asking my girlfriend and I how we felt about our soon-to-be long distance relationship, but I felt absolutely terrible. I felt lame trying to talk to anyone, felt like a black sheep, felt like any laughter around me was directed at me and how awkward I looked, and I just couldn’t keep it together. I spent most of the night by myself or trailing my girlfriend, and eventually had to leave because it was beginning to be quite unpleasant. All I wanted to do was go home and be by myself, playing games.

Then, next day, we go to one of her friend’s get-togethers with people I’ve never met, thought I was in for another day of discomfort and awkward silence, and I was fine. Granted, I had one or two drinks, but I was holding my own in conversations and it felt nice interacting with people and joking around and such, and didn’t have any issues projecting my voice like usual. I don’t know if it was the booze, I hope not, but I certainly felt happier interacting with them. And driving back home (much later, don’t worry), I became more aware of natural beauty. It was quite odd, like really taking in the view of the sunset and the smells of summer and such. Whether it was due to my recovery so far or the after-effects of drinks, I don’t care, I really enjoyed what it felt like and look forward to more moments like these.

I’m also starting to notice a greater depth to music. Listening to things like Kings of Leon, there’s so many layers to their songs that I never appreciated before. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I was listening in mono before and now it’s slowly going full stereo.