Monday, June 19, 2006

Take The 'Be A Father To Your Child' Pill Day!

Your therapist prescribed you some PatriCan, the only prescription pill on the market that has been approved by the FDA for fathers who don't want to raise their children. You're skeptical, but a few hours after you take your first pill you'll be shocked to find yourself on your own thinking about that baby in your wife's stomach. Normally the only time you consider it is when your wife asks you impending-birth related questions, usually concerning items that need to be purchased. But today, you'll be sitting in your office on your own time wondering whether it will be a boy or a girl. Call your wife.

'Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?' ask her.

'It's going to be a boy. Remember the ultrasound? We've known the sex for two months already.'

You won't be able to speak. A boy. A son! Your son!

'Meet me at home,' say. 'I wanna feel your stomach.'

'Is that pill kicking in?' she'll ask.

'JUST GET THERE!' you'll shout.

At home you'll touch your wife's stomach and for the first time you'll feel more than just a little grossed out. This time, you'll feel a kind of electric charge under your hands. Suddenly, you'll feel a need to defend your wife and your home. You'll want to strike out at the modern world and the threats it can pose to your unborn son.

'So this is what fatherhood is like,' you'll say. 'I feel such a deep love for you and our baby, while at the same time I am furious at everyone and everything outside of this house. I want to run outside and smash in the face of the first person I see, male or female.'

'That might be the pill,' your wife will say. 'I read that PatriCan has some side effects. Rage is one of them.'

'What about seeing blue everywhere?' ask her.

She'll read the vial of pills and nod. 'Yep, ocular coloration.'

You'll take your hands off her belly. 'Well if rage and seeing blue are side effects, what if the love I feel for you and my son is also a side effect?'

You'll be relieved, then you'll go into the bathroom to shit some blood (side effect) and apply cream to your eczema (side effect) while coming up with possible names for your son (intended effect) forgetting that you already agreed to name him Larry (your wife's Dad's name).