WRESTLEMANIA 33…IN LESS THAN 600 WORDS

At one point, Aries does a missile dropkick that appears to separate the connective tissue of Neville’s body. For a few seconds, Neville’s bones were just floating in a human-shaped meat sack. I give it a B.

Andre the Giant Battle Royal

Dolph Ziggler did the “Oh, no. I might fall!” spot about three hundred times too many. It was like watching someone repeat a joke because they didn’t think the whole table heard it. Sucks, because I really like Ziggler. I give it a D.

Baron Corbin vs Dean Ambrose

This was a match that happened. Two guys were in it. They wrestled. C.

AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon

AJ Styles is the best athlete on the planet. This match could’ve been AJ Styles vs An Invisible Opponent That You’ll Just Have To Imagine and I’d still be fist pumping throughout it. I liked Shane trying all of these new moves and holds, too. Infinitely better than it deserved to be. A.

Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho

You wanna know why these two dudes are so good? Because they adapt their style according to the emotional state that they’re in. If they’re angrier, the way they wrestle changes. If they’re confident, it changes again. Kurt Angle has this ability. So did Eddie Guerrero. The match wasn’t anything special, but even “nothing special” for these guys is a solid B.

Bayley vs Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax

This was alright. I wish it’d had the energy of last year’s Triple Threat but I think that might be due to the fact that I don’t think the writers have any idea of what to really do with any of these four wrestlers. “I guess this one is …the underdog now.” Their storylines all seem to be “This person is hard to beat, so you should try to beat her.” C.

In a better world, we’d have Sheamus A and Cesaro A, who go for big singles titles, and Sheamus B and Cesaro B, who are equally skilled clones of the originals that would remain Tag Champs until 2030. The match was a C.

Nikki Bella and John Cena vs The Miz and Maryse

Watch Total Bellas on E! C-.

Seth Rollins vs Triple H

Sometimes, when you think a match should be twenty-five minutes, take a second, and really consider what you’re doing. Maybe it should be twenty minutes. Hell, maybe it should be fifteen. I’m not saying that this match shouldn’t have happened, but I would’ve loved to see the Seth Rollins vs Triple H Reader’s Digest Condensed Match. C-.

Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt

Oh, it’s over already. Well, damn. C.

Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg

Two big dudes threw each other around for 5 minutes and then one of them threw the other guy around harder than he’d been thrown around, and so he won. A.

I like the Smackdown Women’s division. I feel like each of them could be champion at any time, and it makes for some compelling stuff. Way more interesting than Raw’s “She’s champion, but you talk about believing in yourself, so you’ll be champion next.” B.