Penn Satire, Since 1899

Record Levels of Self-Worth in Ohio

Record levels of self-worth have been measured in the vaguely square-shaped area of land known as Ohio. The latest Gallup Poll in the area has 50% of the state at “Feeling pretty good about life”, with only 22% at the usual “Fuck this shit, I’m moving to New York.” Political analysts around the country have attributed this tidal shift to the fact that this region of about 11 million people has been given the sole responsibility of choosing the next leader of the United States.

Since the construction of the Erie Canal in the early 19th century, self-worth in the region has been on a steady decline. But with future of the nation on their shoulders, Ohioans have experienced a confidence increase comparable to that of Wisconsin after the mainstream success of Justin Vernon.

Toby Mendelsohn, a resident of Youngstown, is one of the many Ohioans to feel this new surge of self-respect. “We haven’t had this much attention since Carson Palmer stopped being a viable fantasy option,” said Mendelsohn, as he walked by 43 political campaign posters. “In fact I heard about a little boy the other day up in North Dakota who could point to our state on a map!”

Certainly what some have deemed the “Ohio Renaissance – for Ohio at least” has had some negative effects. Reports of Ohioans walking through blue states and red states, trashing public and private institutions have become more and more commonplace. One resident of Akron, who preferred to remain anonymous reminisced upon his recent two-week stint in Nantucket, “Yeah, it was a ton of fun. We could do whatever we wanted, we even wore salmon pink shorts one day instead of Nantucket reds, and anytime anyone gave us shit all we had to say was ‘Hey, the fate of the nation lies in our hands.’ That shut them up real good.”

But for now the rest of the country waits with bated breath for November 6th. That historic day that will change the lives of the 300 million people who inhabit the United States of America. The day that the media and the populace will be freed from their obligations and go back to not caring about the great state of Ohio.