“I don’t vote. Two reasons. First of all it’s meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around – they say, ‘If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain’, but where’s the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”-George Carlin

"The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage."-George Carlin

"I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen."-George Carlin

"Have you noticed that some companies now call their menial employees "associates"? They're trying to make them feel better in spite of subsistence salaries. "Associate" is a very slippery job title. Don't be fooled by it."-George Carlin

"The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people."-George Carlin

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to ****."-George Carlin

"The idea is that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps to keep order. Hey! Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these children THINK alike? Now they're gonna get 'em to LOOK alike, too? And it's not even a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand, because the narration was in German."-George Carlin

"Regarding Pokemon, Beanie Babies, and such: something is really wrong when a major news story concerns how hard it is to buy a toy."-George Carlin

"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."-George Carlin

"I think there ought to be a feminine hygeine spray called "Sprunt"."-George Carlin

"You know how you can tell when a moth farts? When he suddenly flies in a straight line."-George Carlin

"Suggested bumper sticker: “We are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem is Sufficient that He Doesn’t Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car.”-George Carlin

"People seem to think that if there’s some problem that makes them unhappy in this country, all they have to do is stage a big march and everything will change. When will they learn?"-George Carlin

"Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of ****.” Actually, they could just leave it on the screen all the time."-George Carlin

"We busy ourselves with meaningless gestures such as Take Our Daughters to Work Day, which applies primarily to white, middle-class daughters. More help for the wrong people."-George Carlin