The video opens with a shot of Thomas Haden Church dressed up as a
mountain man, carrying a rifle. A television series style title appears
that read: Gus Porter. A chorus sings a theme in the background.

Chorus: Hey, Gus Porter, American mountain man.

The text – Starring Haden Thomas Church – appears. Thomas Haden Church
is shown walking past a Canadian flag and setting out an animal trap.

Chorus: He crossed the border with animal hunting plans.

Thomas Haden Church is seen trying to shoot something and then being mauled by a bear.

Chorus: But his rifle stalled and grizzly mauled, now he’s stuck in a foreign land.

The shot cuts to Thomas Haden Church lying on the ground with a gaping
neck wound. Joe Hartzler is shown wearing a Mounted Police uniform and
hovering over Thomas Haden Church.

Bob Turton: Hey, look, you’re losing a lot of blood there friend. You could die like that.

Thomas Haden Church: That’s not going to happen, Kim Jong-il. How far is the American border?

Bob Turton: It’s about 90 kilometers.

Thomas Haden Church: Don’t give it to me in Nazi distance! Give it to me in American.

Bob Turton: Oh yeah, we’re talking 60 miles there, at least.

Thomas Haden Church: An afternoon stroll.

Joe Hartzler: Sir, I don’t think you should…

Thomas Haden Church: I got to get back to my insurance coverage zone.

Thomas Haden Church begins to stumble away and the shot cuts to him
carrying his rifle. The shot then cuts to him dragging his rifle. The
shot cuts to Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler shaking their heads and
following Thomas Haden Church.

Chorus: Hey, Gus Porter. Heading back to the land of the free. But a
clotting disorder makes it a difficulty. But government support always
comes up short, so we’ll struggle even through gangrene.

The shot cuts to Thomas Haden Church lying on the ground again.

Thomas Haden Church: Oh, I had a horrible dream. I was surrounded by
socialists. They were trying to kill me with their free medicine. God
damn it!

The shot cuts to show Joe Hartzler and Bob Turton kneeling by Thomas
Haden Church. Bob Turton is holding an IV bottle that is attached to
Thomas Haden Church.

Bob Turton and Joe Hartzler: Hey.

Thomas Haden Church: How far did I get?

Bob Turton: About 17 and a half meters, but luckily I was able to hydrate you back up and stabilize your condition.

Thomas Haden Church: Let it be known that Gus Porter did not consent to this illegal transfusion.