Corpus Christi, Texas Prepares for Hurricane Rita

Corpus Christi, Texas continued preparations today for the impending arrival of Hurricane Rita. The city on the Texas coast appears to be the target of the third major storm to hit the United States. Gregory Portland, Assistant to the Mayor, issued the following statement to the press: "We intend to evacuate as many people as we can. We do not want to be another New Orleans."

Plans as outlined in his statement include:

1. Emptying out the black community first. "Since about 80% of our population is Hispanic, that should only take us about two or three school buses."

2. Not sending anyone to the Super Dome. "We decided against using the Super Dome in our evacuation since it is hundreds of miles away in New Orleans and they haven't cleaned it up yet. Actually, we haven't got any large dome or big football stadium here anyway. If they want to go twenty miles inland to Texas A&I in Kingsville, they can go to their stadium, but it isn't a dome and they'll probably get pretty wet."

3. Move people to safe buldings. "I guess the biggest building in town, besides the mall, may be the new Walmart Supercenter out on South Padre Island Drive. Since they already have food and water and all kinds of survival stuff, we could have the people who can't leave town go there. This would keep the looters and the rest of the cops out of there."

4. Shooting big guns at the storm. "We've got the World War Two aircraft carrier Lexington permanently beached over by the Texas State Aquarium. Some of the guys think that if we load up the guns and shoot them at the storm, we might punch a few holes in it and weaken the impact."

5. Allow those who want to ignore the storm to stay anyway. "We were told in 1980 that we were going to get wiped off the map by Hurricane Allen. That storm just sat off the coast of Padre Island and spun itself out. There was only one building in the area that was destroyed by that storm. A lot of our people think that Padre Island will be a barrier for this one too."

6. Let the college kids come and watch. "A lot of college kids from Austin, Waco, and College Station are wanting to come down and party on the beach like it's spring break again and watch the storm and the folks who film the "Girls Gone Wild" videos are going to be there to film them. I told them they could come if they promised everyone in the mayor's office a free copy of the dvd."

7. Evacuate a large percentage of the population 150 miles inland to Laredo. "People who go there can cross the river into Mexico and drink a lot of cerveza and tequila and forget and get drunk and forget all about their homes being destroyed."

When asked where he planned to go and hide out during the storm, he told this reporter that "I'll just drive up the road to San Antonio. I've already got my football tickets to see the New Orleans Saints play in the Alamodome."

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