Tag Archives : balance

Yesterday I was sad. I missed my daughter and I felt very “un-mommylike.”

But I got many encouraging and supportive messages and today I am feeling better.

I had friends tell me they have felt the exact same way I felt last night, while others told me they love the structure and business of being at work and are much better moms because of it.

While it’s hard for me to be away from AJH during the day, I realize that I am doing my best, and I am doing it for her. I am providing her with a stable home, health insurance and the neccessities of life like food, diapers and (super cute) clothes.

And as I reflect on my time spent away from her, I realize that it could be a lot worse.

I love my job. This semester I am teaching two elective classes: Advanced Composition and Photojournalism. My dream classes. The students are amazing. They inspire me everyday with their writing and support of one another. If you want to see examples, check out my class blog and take a look at some of their work by browsing the links in my “student blogs” sidebar. Read not only what they’ve written, but what they have commented to one another.

It makes me smile

Some days I am going to be sad.

Being away from AJH is going to be unbearable.

But I am going to make the best of it. I am going to do all I can to be there for the kids I am teaching and revel in the fulfillment this job brings.

And, of course, I am going to appreciate little moments like this even more.

(she really likes my undies…uh oh)

Now for a random topic: did anyone watch Oprah yesterday? Though it got interrupted for a special report about Egypt, I was able to see that her staff went on a Veganism challenge for a week. I am very inspired to try this again after a two-week attempt at 8 months pregnant, though I must report today was an epic fail as I slammed a sloppy joe, coleslaw and some bright orange jello.

There’s always tomorrow.

And a Sophie and Clara update: 2 Little Birdies has already sold 2 of each necklace, which equals $20 toward each girls’ fund! Way to go, guys! Don’t forget, if you donate this week, leave a comment on this post to be entered to win another necklace from 2 Little Birdies. So far we only have one entry and it’s the same person who won our last giveaway! Somebody give her a run for her money!

Click here to buy the Clara necklace and here to buy the Sophie necklace.

And, finally, I want to spread the word on another awesome giveaway I saw today. Visit A Perfect Lily for the Pure Love Giveaway in which you can win an I-PAD among tons of other cool things just by donating to one of the three sponsored Reece’s Rainbow kids. Read her blog post for more details and good luck!

So far today has been a step up from yesterday. I didn’t get up early enough to do yoga, but I did have time for a shower and blow-dry, still getting to work ten minutes earlier than usual. It wasn’t without some fussing and anxiety, but at least we all made it to point “A” in one piece, as some of you mentioned yesterday!

Speaking of, thank you all for the supportive comments and for letting me know that I am NOT alone in this whole working-mommying-life thing. It is such a blessing to be connected to a truly amazing network of women and I don’t know what I would do without my blogging peeps. E.L.E.

As I reflect on my post and the comments I received I realize that things aren’t always as bad as they seem, and once again, I don’t have to be perfect. Plenty of other moms forget to pay bills, shower, buy food, _________ (fill in the blank). And it’s okay. Nobody is comparing, right?

Wearing bedroom slippers in public, having messy hair, dirty floors, non-gourmet meals and the stomach flu are things I can get over. But despite all the positive encouragement, there are still a few things that I am not okay with. Being so unorganized that I don’t realize we are out of formula for the baby, fussing at the hubby as I’m rushing out the door, and being generally negative are just a few.

After contemplation I see now that those few things were at the core of my feelings of failure. All the other stuff just kind of piled on, making it seem like life was ending. I can’t help but remember, when I was on anxiety medicine I didn’t have those feelings of failure. I didn’t have the fussing and the general negativity. I didn’t feel like “life was ending” because I forgot the baby formula. I didn’t show up crying at the babysitter.

And I miss that.

It took the edge off. I probably seemed happier, less grumpy, and more “together.”

So why did I go off, again?

Insert tears here.

This is such a touchy subject. I know medicine is a life saver for so many. I know it helped me. I know I was probably more stable with it. But I also know, I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to be more in touch with my body. I wanted to stop suppressing and start feeling. I wanted to know if things were really that bad. I wanted to have hopes of living a life un-medicated. I wanted to give it a shot.

But, I can’t help but wonder, as I choke ’em back and feel a lump in my stomach, would I be a better mother if I were still taking the medicine?

(and I can’t fathom the thought of making HER life more miserable because of my issues)

A week’s worth of stomach bug, Christmas aftermath, dirty house, empty refrigerator, baby proofing and boo boos culminated in a mild freak out as I rushed out the door, late again. But this time I wasn’t just late…I was late and the baby hadn’t been fed, I felt like a woozy, pukey mess, and I had succumbed to wearing my bedroom slippers to school.

I was mean to my hubby as I shoved out the door and showed up to our babysitter in tears. For some reason, I can’t hide my true self in front of her and she looked at me understandingly and sympathetically. I know she knows… sometimes it just SUCKS.

“It” being working and mommying and being sick and somehow trying to juggle it all without embarrassingly dropping a few balls or at least shedding a few tears.

How do we–the collective group of working mommies–do it? And more importantly, WHY do we think it’s possible? Who told us it was not only do-able, but enjoyable? Where did this myth begin? Not to be discouraging to those trying to make it work, but right now I feel like shouting from the roof tops–it’s not possible, people!! We can’t do it all! I feel like there is no way to keep food in the house (much less on the table), dirt off the floors, money in the bank, AND a happy daddy, baby, and mommy.

If there is a way, someone, please fill me in because I am struggling here. I know I have a tendency to go to the extremes with things, but I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I can’t be. And if I am, that just means I fail at life even more (and please feel free to leave comments expressing not that I’m not a failure, but that I am not alone).

As I opened the fridge on my way out the door, looking for something to eat or drink besides ginger ale and applesauce I couldn’t help but think, what happened to “live in the moment and make it beautiful? How am I supposed to make this moment beautiful?”

And then I remembered AJH’S boo boo yesterday. She closed her fingers in a drawer and got a few little cuts across her hand. She cried for a few seconds and then patiently watched as we put Neosporin and band aids on her fingers.

She was mesmorized by the new friends on her hand.

And minutes later she was riding her school bus, happier than ever.

So once again, it is my nine-month old baby that teaches me the greatest lesson of my life.

We fall down.

We get boo boos.

We hurt. We cry for a second. We contemplate. And then we get back up.

We jump on the school bus and smile.

Someone once said, it is only when we fail to get back up that we truly fail.