Today’s guest journalist is JEREMY PARKER, the victorious “Scooter For A Day” guy, who just got back from a free week long cruise with our band and a lot of fru-fru drinks…

There’s a line in Freaks and Geeks where Neal’s older brother is visiting and Lindsay (still in high school) asks him what college is like. “Oh, I can’t tell you,” he replies. “It would only make you jealous.”

That’s kind of how I am when people ask me what it was like to be Scooter for a day. Part of me wants to keep quiet and spare you the jealousy. But more of me wants to describe to you every incredible moment until you’re so insanely envious that you go to great lengths to become my tour manager only so you can assassinate me like that one lady did to Selena.

Where to start? What to talk about? Do I start with the part where I played beer pong with the Thundergod? Should I talk in depth about how Trippin’ Balls took me on a mind-bending psychedelic odyssey? Maybe I’ll write about how Brian puts bacon on top of his desserts. Or playing Bop-It with our boat friends until the sun rose. Or playing melodica onstage with Guster for The Captain solo. Or playing with the band again the next day for Guster’s one and only performance of Margaritaville, on a stage set in front of a giant mosaic of a woman tenderly caressing a unicorn.

Being SFAD was absolutely bodacious… thanks in no small part to Scooter and I being personality dopplegangers. I want him to quit his job so he can move to Kansas and we can hang out. Mere minutes after meeting, we were rappin’ about how the Def Leppard drummer could never be called the Thundergod with one stumpy arm (instead, he’d have to be The Drizzle Queen). A few days later, we were sharing a karaoke stage and belting out “I Believe I Can Fly.” Circle of life, man.

If I can offer any advice to the next generation, it’s this: Win cruises. After I finish building my time machine, this is the first thing I’m doing over again, even if it means I’ll significantly alter the future in a drastic and unfortunate way.

I shall close with a picture of Joe’s message in a bottle. Because I like it. And I’m today’s guest road journal guy, so I do what I want, when I want.