Friday, May 31, 2013

Four out of six impotent characters on this cover. Guess which ones and why!

Whatever answers you came up with for the caption cover quiz are correct because nobody's opinions should ever be judged or challenged in any way. I'm fucking serious! What do you think I'm doing with this blog? Just joking and acting silly? Well you're wrong! This blog is the most serious thing I've ever done. And it's time I buckled down and made something of myself. From now on, I'm throwing the jokes and the humor and the self-deprecation in the garbage next to my nudie magazines (for the younger crowd, people used to actually look at static porn images in paper magazines purchased from racks behind the counters in 7-11 (or, more likely, found in a bush at the local high school (My friends and I once found a stack of porn magazines in the bushes of our elementary school. We changed their hiding place and enjoyed them for a few weeks before some other kids found and moved them. One of the magazines was called "Girls Who Eat Cum" and we'd never, ever, ever seen anything like it before. It's fucking tame compared to what kids can find today))). There will be no more whimsy or masturbation in this household!

Last month, New York City was in the throes of Doctor Destiny's machinations. Stop your snickering. That is not a euphemism for sexual congress. The House of Mystery had gone out of control. Or at least out of Constantine's control. I believe it is now under the control of Doctor Destiny and his Dreamstone and/or Materioptikon. The Swamp Thing was brought in for laughs and The Flash ran into Frankenstein while exploring the sewers of New York. This was not adequately explained in last month's issue. Perhaps it was simply a metaphor for running through life too fast and without purpose, treating it as a joyful holiday filled with candies and light-hearted, gay moments to be remembered fondly on the all too quickly approaching death bed, after which the remembrances would dissolve along with the decomposing organic matter that once housed the cursed spark of clarity which imbues life with an abundance of meaning while also allowing for the knowledge of one's inevitable demise.

Allow me, for a moment, to ask a favor of the reader. If you have not already read Justice League Dark #20 through legally purchased means, please forgo reading the rest of this entry. I am not writing this as a synopsis for you to learn what is happening in Justice League Dark without having paid DC and your local comic book shop their fair share of silver coin. I believe we are all adults, so I will use the honor system instead of password protecting my entries. And now, on to this month's fascinating tale of magic and terror!

The Flash explains his reasons for being in the sewers of New York. He also admits to being as shallow a monster as every being Frankenstein is cursed to meet during his travels through relife.

Luckily The Flash is not in the habit of carrying a torch around with him or his encounter with Frankenstein might have ended tragically. As it is, The Flash shares another power of his that I had been unaware of: he is able to move his eyes really fast which enables him to see the different energies that make up different types of matter. Does he merely whip his eyeballs back and forth in his sockets? How, exactly, does this enable him to see energies? Is he picking up wavelengths in a way that our slow and ponderous eye movements are unable to see? Can he move his eyeballs so quickly that they pop out of the sockets, dangling unattractively against his cheeks? Again, I reiterate, who here is the real monster?

The Flash learns that Frankenstein works with "other monsters" (his hurtful words) and offers to track them down. The first one he brings back is Madame Xanadu because she's the biggest monster of them all (my hurtful words but they're not without merit. Madame Xanadu is the worst character in the DC Universe right after every character written by Scott Lobdell. Her power is to see the future but this power never actually helps anybody in any way. This power may, in fact, be complete bullshit since the future she often sees never actually comes true because she supposedly helps people to change it. Well, isn't that convenient).

Next on the list to save is Deadman.

What do you know? Madame Xanadu is doing some heavy lifting.

The Flash appears after everybody else with a "better late than never" joke because he's the fastest man in the world. The line was delivered better in Green Lantern #20 by G'nort. Speaking of G'nort, to be a proper Justice League, a team really needs a Green Lantern. I think G'nort would be a perfect fit for this team. And since I promised earlier to stop being silly and whimsical, you know I really mean that statement. Although if Swamp Thing sticks around for any length of time, that would put three people on the team with a green theme going on and even with Madame Xanadu all in purple, it still throws off the color balance. The balanced look of a super hero team is just as important as the balance of powers. The original Justice League of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, and Aquaman was created because of the rainbow effect. Red Flash, Orange Aquaman, Yellow Wonder Woman, Green Green Lantern, Blue Superman, Purple Batman. Wonder Woman isn't yellow but her lasso always had a nice glow to it that helped fill out the yellow band along with Aquaman's hair.

Next up, they rescue John Constantine from himself. A bunch of blood doppelgangers have sprung up about John and they're killing innocents in the streets of New York. Constantine saves himself after Flash and the others provide a distraction and he makes sure they know that he saved himself. That's because he can lie on Earth Prime. He had a moment where he was unable to lie when he visited Faerie although that wasn't explained very well. DC seems to have a problem explaining things. I suppose they don't want to coddle their readership. They want us to figure it out on our own. Well, I'm too busy to figure out comic books. Please spoon feed me everything in the manner of an Ann Nocenti character.

Once everybody decides they all have an important role to play in stopping this disaster, The Flash tracks down the House of Mystery to a penthouse apartment and they set off to stop it and save The Swamp Thing.

Or die at the hands of Madame Xanadu's forgotten love child.

Justice League Dark #20 Rating: No change. It's too hard to write a commentary while trying to avoid being myself. I thought I could write it quicker if I wasn't worried about being funny but it took longer worrying that I was inadvertently being funny and constantly changing stuff. And then what I changed things to was still stupid and funny and then I just gave up and ate a bottle of aspirin. So if the gardener finds my body and manages to call an ambulance and get my stomach pumped, then I'll see you all tomorrow when I curse my still beating heart because I have to read Scott Lobdell's Superman.

Writing about thirteen comic book commentaries a week, I often find myself hesitant to read the next comic in my stack because I have absolutely nothing left to say about comics or masturbation. This is especially true when a comic I'm not really that interested in winds up at the top of the stack. Right now, out of the entire New 52, Talon is the comic I'm least interested in reading. As such, I plan to not say much about it! By saying this, I am relieving any pressure to be whimsical or silly or, Chaos Forbid, funny. In lieu of my lack of verbiage, I present a Talon comic strip even though I don't fucking owe you anything!

Last time we left Bane, he was busy killing the shit out of Talon. Why aren't there more villain titles? Deathstroke is the only title, current or retired, of The New 52 that features a bad guy. And the way Deathstroke has been used over the years, I wouldn't argue if somebody wanted to argue with me about that designation. Constantine has his own title but he's not a bad guy; he's more of a morally ambiguous asshole. Demon Knights has a few historically villainous types in its ranks but they keep saving the world as Baby Stormwatch, so they don't count either. Jonah Hex gets a starring role credit in All Star Western but, once again, he's not a villain; he's simply a psychopath with a pretty decent moral compass. I think. I wouldn't kick him out of my generally decent bed. Suicide Squad features bad guys as the main cast but they're being manipulated to do government work, so that doesn't count. Sure, the government does the most evil, percentage-wise, but it's still just like bad guys delivering letters for the postal service. What I'm trying to say is The New 52 needs to fill the ranks with some titles featuring super villains. Let's get a Lex Luthor comic book, or a Mr. 8 comic book. The super villain on the top of my "needs his own title" list is Bizarro. But I guess that would end up being a cross of Deathstroke and Tiny Titans, with Bizarro doing weird and whimsical shit while committing murders of people that probably deserve it because he's a weird guy and amoral guy.

Back to Talon, Casey and her daughter were leaving Sebastian Clark's Headquarters of Horror last issue when I remarked that I hoped Casey's daughter was good at self-defense because The Gotham Butcher was waiting outside to do some butchering. In Gotham. Hence the name.

What the fuck was The Gotham Butcher in another life? A mutant polar bear?

Instead of crushing Casey's daughter into the most delicious jelly in the world, The Butcher forces Casey to take him to Talon's hideout. Which is stupid because The Butcher has been waiting outside the hideout this whole time. Does he suddenly need an invite like future Tim Drake would need? (Because he's a vampire named Harvest!) The Butcher could have smashed his way in at any time. I think the Butcher is just going soft and suddenly realizes he doesn't really want to crush a little girl's head in his massive fist. Or maybe he can't? Maybe his weakness is innocence!

Casey decides she'd rather take The Butcher back to headquarters to kill Calvin Rose than have her daughter suddenly not be able to do math or, you know, anything else. So they head back to Sebastian Clark's house where they find Calvin Rose, dead! Dead! DEAD!

Or not. Casey declares he's dead but I don't trust her ability to do scientific and medical stuff since she's a woman. I mean a woman in love with him! Sheesh. I'm not completely sexist! She probably feels a faint heartbeat and then declares he's dead so The Butcher will shrug his shoulders and go bother Batman.

Meanwhile the Court of Owls are at the library exaggerating in each others' faces.

For aeons, hunh? Now I'm picturing microbes in some primordial ooze and they're all wearing Owl masks. I would have drawn that but I hit my limit on drawing shit today and I'm also not Gary Larson.

The Gotham Butcher takes Casey and her daughter to be interrogated and beaten by Grandmaster Wycliffe. The Butcher probably brought Calvin Rose's corpse back to be resurrected as well. Grandmaster Wycliffe wants answers that only Calvin knows. Also, he simply wants to torture Calvin by bringing him back to pseudo-life because Calvin cost the Court so much money during his vacation to Securitus Island.

Calvin is resurrected and Grandmaster Wycliffe lets him in on the deal: Calvin Rose works for the Court of Owls again and The Gotham Butcher doesn't kill Casey. I bet the real deal is for Calvin Rose to work for the Court of Owls and Grandmaster Wycliffe won't show Calvin the video of The Butcher killing Casey. That was my way of saying she's probably already dead. Why not kill her? It's not like she can be Calvin's girlfriend any more! That would just be weird. I guess she can be his Tech Guru. He's going to need one of those once he finishes off the Court of Owls and builds his Owl's Nest in Gotham.

Anyway, Calvin is now a bona fide super hero with regeneration powers and super strength and one terrible weakness! That weakness is eating ice cream too fast, if you were wondering.

Grandmaster Wycliffe gets his answers from subjugated Calvin. He now knows that Sebastian Clark is in Santa Prisca with Bane. But he doesn't know that Bane has an army of goofball villains ready to take over Gotham. That means they'll have to kill The Court of Owls and Batman and maybe The Penguin.

But Bane will have to wait. Calvin Rose's first mission to keep Casey alive is to kill Mary Turner, The Birds of Prey Talon. I hope he accidentally kills Condor instead!

Talon #8 Rating: -1 Ranking because I was hoping Calvin Rose could remain a normal fucking human being for the entire run of this comic book. Now who cares if he can escape shit since he can't be killed. Or can barely be killed. Will every trap he encounters now be filled with snow and ice? I didn't think I could become less interested in this comic book. I also didn't think I could ever be wrong about anything! Boy, I'm learning lessons left and the other one!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Last issue, Alfred Pennyworth was ecstatic to finally have some female company in the house without having to worry about accidentally blowing Bruce's secret super hero identity. That's because Bruce already blew it and told Natalya that he was Batman. Now The Mad Hatter is planning on kidnapping Natalya to use for his play, "The Day A Woman Seemed To Like Me But Was Just Being Nice." Also, Damian is still dead.

At the end of last issue, Batman was facing a river of corpses flowing out of the Gotham sewers. Now he and Jim Gordon have to figure out where they came from. I think Batman knows they're victims of The Mad Hatter because unless there has recently been a breakout at Arkham, he generally only has to deal with one madman's plot at a time.

It's about time they made this announcement! Even if they didn't know the exact way The Mad Hatter was distributing the hats, once Batman found out he was battling the Mad Hatter, they should have released the news to force your loved ones to stop wearing their stupid new hats twenty four hours a day.

Batman investigates the sewers and comes pretty close to finding the abandoned missile silo that The Mad Hatter is using as his base. But Alfred has to hack into some government files first which means Batman has a little downtime to contemplate his situation.

I guess the Bat Computer is doing all the hacking work since Alfred is busy giving Bat Therapy.

Meanwhile Natalya is busy being kidnapped. The Mad Hatter, parodying his literary self with the line "your hair wants growing," has thrown her in a cell to wait for her hair to grow out so that she'll look more like Alice. The Mad Hatter did not kidnap Natalya's dress with the Bat Tracer on it though, so Batman is going to have to wait until his Bat Computer is done hacking the government files to figure out where The Mad Hatter is keeping her. I bet the Court of Owls know about the abandoned missile silo! Batman is a terrible keeper of Gotham City.

After the Damian thing and now that Bruce seems to have found love with Natalya, he's actually beginning to think about a future where he gives up The Batman. He flies off to discuss it with Natalya. Too bad he's going to find her apartment filled with broken glass and her urine from when she was kidnapped. That might cause him to rethink the rethinking The Batman thing. It's just going to remind him that he can't get close to anybody ever. He'd probably ditch Alfred if Alfred would let him.

No, that's not true. Alfred is the only non-Nightwing person that Bruce can trust and confide in and doesn't have to really worry about because he can, mostly, take care of himself. He even dealt calmly with being The Joker's butler for a few days.

Back in Wonderland, The Mad Hatter figures out that Natalya isn't going to be a very convincing Alice when she scratches the shit out of his face. So it's time to find another lead actress. Well, almost time.

Doesn't he have a special Hypno-hat that would make her talk?

Batman shows up at the scene of Natalya's kidnapping where the police are already investigating. Batman ignored the Batsignal to head to Natalya's first. It turns out the Batsignal was to alert Batman to Natalya's disappearance. So now Jim Gordon has a few handy clues to figure out the identity of The Batman. You know, if he thinks about it for a few seconds. I'm pretty sure people know Bruce Wayne is dating Natalya the famous pianist.

As I supposed last issue to make any sense out of Batman seemingly acting stupid, his Bat Tracer he put on Natalya seems to have been a subdermal implant. Batman begins tracing her as Natalya is beaten by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum in an effort to have her give up The Batman's identity.

Natalya's interrogation is happening on a helicopter and when The Mad Hatter finally realizes she either doesn't know or she's just not going to talk, he dumps her out. Once again, Batman is too late. How much more death can Alfred handle?

And thus Bruce Wayne never ever again thought about retiring The Batman.

Batman: The Dark Knight #20 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic book needs to rise through the rankings faster than it has been, so I'm giving it a little boost. Since Gregg Hurwitz has taken over, it's become a great Batman title staking out it's own little corner of the Batman Universe. It really reminds me of Shadow of the Bat when that series first began.

Last issue I said the book should have been dedicated to Carmine Infantino. Since this month, each comic had a one page dedication to Carmine, my guess is this story will be dedicated to him as well.

This morning I woke up thinking about Gopher from the Disney Winnie the Pooh movie. Could that character have been any worse?! You love a book for years and years and then when the movie comes out, they stick in a character that didn't even exist in the book! Really? Why don't you just come over to my house around breakfast and shit in my mouth, Mr. Disney? How dare you change anything from the book in the movie adaption?! It's like the book is all "words words words" and active reading and intelligent and imaginative. And then the movie is all "images images images" and passive watching and forcing us to now think of the characters the same way as everybody else and capitalist agendas! Okay, sure, the characters are basically based on the images from the book, images which forced their own image into every reader's mind already! But it was a book and therefore it's better! At least I can thank the movie for making it possible for me to run around telling everybody how much I hated the movie compared to the book so they'll see I'm a real fan of character and have been for more years than those lazy idiots who liked the movie!

The above paragraph was sponsored by every smarmy jerk that ever walked out of a movie theater, looked over at his friends and said, "The book was better." Fuck you, you pretentious twat!

I'm not saying "the book was better" is an inaccurate statement. But it's probably the most boring and obvious thing one can say whilst walking out of a movie based on a popular book.

Anyway, welcome to my mind coming out of the fog of sleep at four twenty in the fucking morning.

The Flash #20 begins with Reverse-Flash visiting Marissa (The Vibrator!) in jail as she writes a letter of apology to Gomez (Sprint!). Reverse-Flash undoes her letter to steal her time. I think he collects time this way so that he can travel back in time, possibly? Somehow it fuels him for something or other. This is still the first page so all I have is my usual speculation and nonsense to guide me. After reversing Marissa to the point where her letter only says "Dear Gomez", her head explodes. I think. Reverse-Flash says it's a price that must be paid for taking her time. Perhaps he just kills her himself so that he can keep the amount of time it took her to write the full letter.

Does anybody know anything about healthy eating? Are Oreos and unsweetened iced tea a bad choice for breakfast?

While Reverse-Flash is murdering Marissa, Barry Allen continues to try to pass.

Yes, I think Barry Allen is gay. He does everything fast except relationships. Something keeps holding him back. I suppose it could have something to do with his father being in jail for murdering his mother but I think he'd be the perfect character for portraying a gay man in denial of his sexuality. Not not knowing but struggling to constantly lie to himself about it. If Manapul and Buccellato could stick with The Flash for something like 120 issues, it would be fantastic to be able to write a character that is denying his own sexuality and constantly trying to fit in to a heterosexual lifestyle. But the writers would never explicitly state anything since Barry himself would be denying it so strongly. But imagine how fantastic something like that could be when Barry finally comes to terms with it ten comic book years down the line. And then people would go back and reread all the old Flash comics and just be amazed at how they never saw it before but after Barry comes out, it would all be so obvious because the writers knew it the whole time.

Hmm, I wonder if that's what Scott Snyder is doing over there in Batman with Bruce Wayne?

Dedication to Carmine and a Flash pun with "move on." Plus Part 1 of 6! Everybody strap yourselves in for the long haul!

Barry once again works at the Central City (or Keystone City?) police department now that he's officially back to life. But they gave him a job filing cold cases instead of doing his crime scene investigation lab work stuff he did previously. I think he might have a law suit somewhere if he wanted to pursue it! I would think if he did a spectacular job in the lab, the police force would love to put him back on that job. I guess he was just mediocre and they found somebody better. But the cold case room is in the basement, so that'll make it easier for Barry to change in to The Flash and come and go as he needs.

Stop acting so suspiciously, Iris West. Patty probably meant "sorry for interrupting you boys playing with the big glowing soccer ball," you tart.

I like ending sentences with a nice, short putdown. It's probably why everybody in my family hates me, the pricks.

Patty brings Barry news of Marissa's death. That makes two people that entered the Speed Force now dead. It's because Manapul and Buccellato gave them super powers. I bet DC has a policy that if a writer creates a new super hero, that writer must eventually kill the new super hero before they leave the book. It's to prevent future lawsuits when Manapul and Buccellato are old men eating out of dumpsters while DC rakes in millions from the new Sprint and Vibrator movie.

Barry just got through speaking with Iris, so he knows she's still okay. That means he feels The Flash should probably check up on Gomez. He finds him wearing a hat and a sweatshirt and being black in a subway which is really super duper suspicious.

With profiling abilities like these, you can tell The Flash is definitely a cop.

Gomez tells The Flash that Albert and Marissa were both killed by the same guy. But that's about all The Flash gets out of him before Gomez tears up the subway tracks and gets away while The Flash has to stay behind to save lives.

Later Barry checks out Marissa's corpse in the Central City Morgue. This causes him to think some things which eventually lead him to check out Albert's glowing soccer ball. Yes, the glowing soccer ball from earlier was created by Turbocharger, the first of Reverse-Flash's victims. It turns out the glowing sphere was a camera and it recorded Albert's death at the hands of a blurred figure wearing a lightning bolt on his chest! The Flash doesn't know anything about Reverse-Flash so he decides he should probably go check out that little asshole Kid Flash and talk copyright infringement.

The Flash #20 Rating: No change. Not enough Reverse-Flash for me or Carmine Infantino!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

That's a stupid gang name! "The Deadly Bounty Hunters!" I can think up a better name than that while vomiting blood! But since I'm not currently vomiting blood, I can't think of any better names.

Today is Wednesday which is the first day of my always very long weekend. It's the day that many people would call my Friday so I decided to listen to Rebecca Black's "Friday" on Youtube. I'm not one of those haters who hate the song and/or Rebecca. I actually like it. It's catchy and the lyrics are completely inane. But it's naive and innocent and unpretentious. It's Rebecca Black just being true to Rebecca Black. Anyway, I wrote a stanza for my Friday! I hope you enjoy it!

After that amazing bit of revelation, I decided to write a parenting book as well. That goes something like this:

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Guide to Parenting

Chapter One:
The Kids.

Fuck them.

Chapter Two: NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERT!

Okay, now I'm going to read All Star Western.

So I was wondering why the cover wasn't Jonah Hex and Booster Gold against the Clem Hootkins Gang. Well, it turns out the Clem Hootkins Gang went and got themselves catched by some satanists.

Or some Norwegians. I really can't tell the difference.

Elsewhere (though not Elsewhere elsewhere as in a comic book that flaunts the rules of DC's continuity), Jonah Hex and Booster Gold are talking about fashion. You see, the main thing Jonah wants to know is how Booster Gold pisses and shits while wearing that full length rubber doohickey of an outfit. Booster either doesn't want to tell him or he simply can't remember since he's suffering from memory loss. Although his memory of Jonah Hex's history was retained. Whatever happened to him probably simply affected his short-term memory. Let's hope for Booster's sake, he forgets Ted so he doesn't have to cry himself to sleep every night. And since Booster is wearing an outfit that leaves nothing to anybody's imagination (I guess they still have to imagine what his internal organs look like), Jonah Hex wants to know what the women wear. Booster can remember Yoga Pants but he can't remember what he did in the future or why he's wearing the stupid blue and gold outfit.

Booster Gold and Jonah Hex stumble upon a flock wake of vultures devouring a brouhaha of gang members. Clem Hootkins Gang members, to be precise! That previous sentence also would have worked with an apostrophe and a lowercase "g"! Booster Gold believes that this turn of events indicates a mystery that needs to be solved! Jonah Hex sees it as his job done for him. He begins collecting the dead bodies to turn in for the bounty. The only gang member that is missing is the dwarf with the Gatling gun. I think the Bounty Hunters kept him as a trophy. That's racist in some way that doesn't have anything to do with race because the dwarf isn't a Roller Playing Game Dwarf! I think the word I might be looking for is prejudiced or fucking bullshit.

Where do I go to pick up my Social Justice Tumblr Trophy for half-assedly coming to the murdering dwarf's defense and not making any dwarf jokes because that's insensitive and I totally know better than to make jokes about anybody for their appearance? Seriously, they have to give those out, right? The one thing I learned from Christianity is that you get a fucking reward for acting good! Now give it to me, dammit!

One missing dwarf doesn't stop Hex from getting down to business anyway.

Hex just hit the fucking lottery with all of these free heads to take in for reward. But Booster still needs his help recovering the gold that was stolen from town. Whoever killed the Clem Hootkins Gang (the Deadly Bounty Hunters, I bet!) took the town's wealth. Booster Gold can't remember much before he traveled back in time but he does seem to remember that he was a law person. Or the big star on his chest has him convinced he was. So Booster offers to share the town's money with Jonah Hex if Hex will help him. I think Hex agrees simply because it means he gets to shoot more people in the face and one thing that never gets old for Jonah Hex is reloading his gun after he's used the previous bullets to shoot someone in the face. It's his most favoritest thing in the world!

That reminds me of one of my favorite short stories of all time by my most favorite writer, Grunion Guy! It's called "Shoot Out in the Old West". That was a link to the story if you were wondering why the font was a different color from the rest of the font. And if the font was the same color, you probably have your browser settings set to "Fuck Everyone Else That Uses My Laptop."

I wish Blue Beetle were here right now!

Meanwhile, the World's Deadliest Bounty Hunters engage in some very sexy mutilation while the dwarf gets to watch. Fucking lucky dwarf. With that kind of luck, I bet he's the asshole that took Captain K'rot's leg! You know, in some wacky time travel caper.

It's not as sexy when seen through Booster's Gogglevision.

Jonah Hex's plan is to shoot everybody and take the gold. Booster's plan is to take the gold and not shoot everybody. So they compromise! Booster Gold takes the gold when everyone is asleep but the lousy dwarf, thinking Booster isn't going to save him, wakes up the camp which means Jonah Hex is probably going to have to shoot everybody. Hopefully Booster Gold will remember he can fly and he has a force field.

He does! Or maybe the force field simply works when it needs to work. Maybe it's the Skeets Penis Implant Booster had installed after Flashpoint. Booster simply walks off with the gold and the Gatling Gun and the dwarf after everybody is done shooting their useless bullets. Booster Gold tells them he's the sheriff of Red River Junction. Booster seems to think this is a threat as opposed to directions for the head Deadly Bounty Hunter to follow when he sobers up. Afterward he rides out to meet up with Hex who decided not to partake of a stupid plan that didn't have any killing in it.

I'm pretty sure the townsfolk are going to decide to tie this little shit to a tree and take turns on the Gatling gun.

The back-up Stormwatch feature finally brings all the members of Stormwatch together for a little action in "The Lost City of Gold"! Why is it people always lose the most valuable cities? I've never heard of a lost city of adobe. Although I guess if you lost a city of adobe, you wouldn't really give much of a fuck about it. "Oh well! I'll just build another one right over here."

Stormwatch has come in search of an artifact located in the City of Gold. Also located in the City of Gold is the ancient vampire Mircalla Nosferata and her brood of bloodsuckers. The vampires attack and Dr. Thirteen doesn't believe in them so they disappear and Stormwatch wins!

No, no. What actually happens is Mircalla exposes the fact that Dr. Thirteen is a virgin and then tries to drink his blood so her greatest wish can come true! That wish is that people will spell "vampire" as "vampyr" and everybody can act like pretentious wanks.

All Star Western #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if Dr. Thirteen is a virgin because he doesn't believe in vaginas? He probably hears people speak of them and poo poos their very existence, having only first hand experience of his own wang. In other news, Booster Gold and Jonah Hex are a fun team. In your face, Amadeus!

So I was walking through Tokyo this one time and I happened to very extremely innocently wander into a red light district. As I'm walking past one particular club, the doorman in an expensive suit looks at me and calls out, "Hey American! American! You speak Japanese?" I do not and I told him so. He responds, "Too bad for you!" and finishes his statement with a mad cackle. I've always just assumed the place was a hostess bar or something similar but now I'm wondering if he wasn't just a Batman of Japan super villain! I bet he was recruiting for The Legion of We're Very Sorry for the Inconvenience.

Grant Morrison Chris Burnham begins the issue just trying to remind everybody that they're supposed to be sad.

Now that everyone with any kind of feelings at all is thoroughly depressed and only the dicks with no hearts are wondering why the fuck a forlorn cat in the rain at the grave of his friend should make anybody sad, the action moves to Tokyo where some super hot women are riding motorcycles and judging people for drinking coffee and bickering amongst their super sexy selves! They're all wearing helmets so I hope they don't eventually take the helmets off and show that they have fish faces because then I'm going to feel sick from having masturbated to this first page!

Of course I covered up the panel with Alfred the Cat! What do you think I am? A sick bastard?

The police arrive but they can't handle these women so they send out the Bat Alarm!

The Batman of Japan, Jiro, is having dinner with Canary inside an aquarium. I think this has something to do with all of those shrink ray jokes from earlier issues!

So that's why he wanted a shrink ray! So he could bang Canary!

Apparently Batman didn't lie about not having a shrink ray because Jiro and Canary are merely having dinner in a virtual reality space. But Batman does now know somebody with a Shrink Belt! Although if he works it so Jiro can borrow it, that kind of makes Batman Canary's pimp. Also, it might be a little weird helping Batman of Japan fuck his sidekick.

They don't have a Shrink Ray but they have a device that puts their costumes on for them.

I wish Grant Morrison had drawn this issue!

Actually, I'm probably pretty glad that Morrison didn't draw this issue since I like the look of it so far. I don't think I've seen anything drawn by Jorge Lucas so far. Also, does every Batman Incorporated Cave come with a dinosaur? I don't think Batwing got one. Maybe that's because he was Batwing and not another Batman. I see Jiro also has a bunch of tubes with different costumes in them just like Rotten Robbie of Lazytown has! I wonder if Rotten Robbie is the Batman of Lazytown?

I read Teen Titans #20 a few hours ago just before I drowned myself in the bathtub (I'm cursed to always rise again) and I may have mentioned how awful Scott Lobdell's writing was. He writes snarky, bullshit, unfunny, unbelievable young people and it's ruining The New 52's version of The Teen Titans. But I think I just found Scott Lobdell's replacement: Chris Burnham! This next page is better than every line of snark Lobdell has put to paper in the last year and a half.

Except that crack about the forty year old boyfriend. That hurt my feelings!

Jiro and Canary kind of get their asses handed to them by the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers. But Canary does manage to blow up one of their bikes with her tiny sonic scream which pisses them all off. But it also scares them because none of the others want to lose a motorcycle. They retreat and Jiro and Canary head back to the Batbase.

Jiro does some fancy Batman hokey pokey and discovers the location of the secret base of the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers. Except they might actually be more like Voltron.

Except they don't have a fat one.

They also don't have one named Jason, I don't think. And they don't have a young one or an unintelligible one or the one that's interchangeable with the leader but isn't the leader so he has to act like he doesn't really want to be the leader. This team just has five princesses. But they're far more entertaining than the princess from G-force! Not the guinea pig G-force! The Battle of the Planets G-force!

I think the green one might be my girlfriend!

Oh no! What do they mean they're sorry about what they are under the helmets?! Oh man, I knew it! They have fish heads, don't they!?

The next page begins with Jiro yelling "Bat-fluff!" and hurling his diamond tipped darts with nanotech destroying computer viruses embedded in them. And there's yet another moment I like so I guess I'll shove the comic book back into the scanner yet again! At least it's easier than writing!

Putting "bitches" at the end of any statement just makes that statement sound better. I append it to every single thing I say. Not everything I type, though! That would be annoying.

These darts cause the helmets to melt and reveal the faces of the women beneath. Umm. Oh. Ugh. I'll be right back.

Well, they didn't have fish faces but they did have melty gross disgusting cybernetics-gone-wrong faces! And because Leviathan did this to them and then abandoned them when they lost their looks, the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers decide to join forces with Batman of Japan and Canary to take down Queen Lady Tiger Fist! Lady Tiger Fist doesn't sound so threatening. I'd much rather get smacked by a tiger that was making a fist than one that was striking with an open paw full of claws.

Oh wait. Her fists are tiger heads. I think I'll pass on getting punched in the face by a tiger's bite.

Jiro and Canary trick Lady Tiger Fist into their virtual reality prison and cart her off to real prison. Then they get back into their own virutal reality world as quickly as possible so Canary can virtually "hold an apple" if you get my meaning. Except my meaning is the same as the actual meaning of the words because Canary really does decide to hold an apple. I think I used that phrase wrong. And then the comic book returns to Batman screaming his head off and flying off to meet Talia as Armored Batmanmanbatbatbatmanmanbat in Armor.

Batman Incorporated #11 Rating: No change. Although I should figuratively give it a +1 because this comic was a lot of fun. But it didn't continue the Batman Inc story and, besides, actually raising it a rank would knock Batman from the top spot. And I'm not quite ready to do that yet, bitches!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Last issue ended with the stupidest fucking bullshit coming from out of Red Robin's face. Hundreds of military men and women had just been wiped out by Death Speaker, Trigon's little boy toy. Red Robin stood amidst the carnage, looked around, and said, "Nobody better fucking blame us." And being the whip smartest Robin that ever lived, he instantly realizes that Trigon's plan was not to take over the world or to kill hundreds of humans, or to just create chaos and misery in the streets of New York. No, no. Trigon's plan was to make people think, "You know what? I don't really like those Teen Titans."

This issue doesn't begin any fucking better. First off, Psimon is not unconscious any more. I guess "mere moments" is enough time for him to bounce back up and defend himself against Red Robin's accusation that he killed two dozen soldiers. Or Scott Lobdell just assumes nobody is going to remember where last month's comic book left off, so why not just begin this one however he wants. You would think the editors would nip that shit in the bud though since they should be thinking about how fucking stupid this is going to look in the Trade. Page twenty: Psimon obviously unconscious amidst Beast Boy's tentacles. Page twenty-one: Psimon standing up and yelling he's not the bad guy.

It's true! They were going to just arrest everybody involved in the skirmish because fuck trying to stop the demon ravaging New York City! Let's arrest the easier to catch people that are actually fighting the threat.

The only way it would be acceptable for the military to come in and try to arrest The Teen Titans instead of fighting with them against Trigon is if only the Teen Titans can see Trigon. I have a feeling that might be the case and if it isn't, I'm just going to believe it anyway.

Also, this jerks name is Psimon. Get it? Psimon says, "Drop dead!" So none of these guards should actually be dead because he didn't say, "Psimon says, 'Drop dead!'"

Okay, so Psimon's great defense is that the soldiers were going to arrest everyone so they should be thanking him for killing them. But he isn't the only reason on the first page why this issue went horribly awry from page one. Solstice's reaction isn't any better.

First rule of Do Not Get Sued Club is "Never Apologize"! Stop acting like this was your fault! You were there to stop the giant demon. You didn't force the giant demon's Psimon doll to murder everyone. Now the general populace is definitely going to blame you.

Trigon has disappeared from the scene. I guess because his plan to make the Teen Titans lose popularity worked. Kid Flash beats Psimon back into unconsciousness. But then Superboy stops him from going too far and killing Psimon outright because Psimon threatened the girl that Kid Flash once made out with unexpectedly loves!

I have no idea why Kid Flash thinks, "At least...someone thinks so!" Did I miss something? Was Kid Flash traumatized by ARGUS going after him in Vibe? So now he thinks everybody thinks he's an evil murderer? Or is this just another bit of random dialogue that Lobdell thinks helps build the character. "You know what? Kid Flash has been chirpy and optimistic through the entire run! But if I make him think this one out of character thing, it'll show he's full of self-doubt and low self-esteem!"

The scene shifts to the Five Under Realms where Trigon is now watching Raven shoot the shit with the Teen Titans. The Five Under Realms? Why do the editors at DC allow Scott Lobdell to create places in the DC Universe?! Is it too much work for Lobdell to actually learn about the DC Universe and use an existing hell dimension? Like, you know, Hell?

I need to stop being distracted by the little things! My main concern now is why the fuck is Trigon back in Hell the Five Under Realms? He claims he needs Raven to take over the Earth Seventh Kingdom. But what was that attack he made on New York City? Was that the best he could do and then he was forced out of the Seventh Kingdom because Raven didn't get the Crystal Moon Scepter so she could open the Glittering Portal to the Interim Way Station where the Crystal Moon Scepter could be used to pick the locks of the Gordian Magna Chains sealing the Omnidoor to the Five Under Realms?

Okay, okay! I'll shut up so I can hear your story! I want to know all about why Trigon wants to rule the Seventh Kingdom and how he existed before there was time and how he's probably going to be the most powerful godlike creature since Oracle in Superman!

Trigon begins his story: "Once upon a time before there was time when there was no such thing as time. In those days which weren't days because I just said there was no time, I sat upon the throne of twelve kingdoms that had yet to invent fire because you can't have fire or light without time. I also may not have sat since "sat" implies an act that began with standing and ended with sitting and then spanned a certain amount of time in the seated position. But since there was no time, I suppose I just sort of sat and not sat at the same time or something. Anyway, eventually time was created so that my story could make sense."

"Everywhere I looked (this is still me, Trigon!), souls bowed and groveled before me! I don't know where they came from because it was too dark to see anything and then suddenly time and then boom there they were! But I tell you what: it was really boring. The best part about life before time was invented is that nobody was ever bored. And then time was invented and suddenly you have to deal with these interminably long minutes before something new happens! Ugh. I could do without it. So I killed people and terrorized people and ruled the world and...yawn...boring. Seen it all."

"And then I discovered sex! Holy shit! Suddenly time was worth it! Well, only the time spent achieving orgasm. The rest of the time was just as dreary. But sex led to babies and my babies were always male and that was boring for some reason or another that I haven't yet explained. Maybe it was because it was all the same. I needed something new! Something different! What I needed..."

"I don't know why my daughter has such a long penis."

"Not owning anything pink to drape over my daughter (Hey! I'm evil! Of course I believe in stereotypical and narrowly defined gender roles!), I gave her to her mother to raise. I was also kind of hoping she would learn love because love is the most important thing in all the world according to Hollywood and Hallmark and dreary, cliche, lonely people. But instead of homeschooling Raven, her mother took her to Azarath, land of the hippie beatniks and their lentil casseroles and hippy dippy bead curtains. Fuck I hate that place."

"Schoolhouse Rocky! A chip off the block of your favorite schoolhouse, Schoolhouse Rock!"

"And then The Phatuous Stranger brought my daughter back to me! My daughter and I killed more of my subjects because what the fuck else is there to do in the Five Under Realms! What happened to the other two since I did mention that I wanted Raven to recreate the Seven Under Realms in her image? I don't know. Maybe they seceded. Anyway, Raven wanted friends so she decided to become friends with the Teen Titans. But she believes they will only be her friends if she manipulates and controls them. Oh, she will learn that the truth is far worse! They will willingly die at her hands because they love her so much! Wait, is that bad? I'm confused. There's death in that statement so that's actually good. But the death is due to loving so much so that's bad. Anyway, she'll make enemies of friends that would have been friends without being forced but will become enemies when they learn they were forced to be friends. But in the end, they'll all reconcile and Raven will learn a lesson and the credits will roll. Now go, sons of Trigon, and do that thing you're supposed to do!"

And that's how the fifteen page scene in the Five Under Realms explains the origin of Raven!

Back on Earth, Raven tries to make friends and Cassie tries to beat the crap out of Raven and Raven flips the fuck out and everybody calms down and then the Sons of Trigon appear to bring Raven home.

Teen Titans #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Whatever. Just another issue of a comic book that Scott Lobdell can't be bothered to connect from month to month. Why did Trigon attack and then go back home? I don't know. Why did he bring Raven along even though he knew she was planning on staying with the Titans? A test, I guess? Why does Trigon want Raven back now that she failed? Because she's his! Duh! Why was Red Robin Reborn on the cover? Probably because Lobdell doesn't know where his story will go from month to month, so why should the cover artists have any idea? I'm supposed to go to work now but I don't think I have the energy for it! I'm going to go drown myself in the bathtub now. See you later!

Hopefully Firestorm is going to throw them in a room until they learn to love each other. And then learn to kiss each other. And then learn to fuck each other.

I think Firestorm died last issue. Along with Ronnie's mom and Typhoon and Black Bison and Killer Frost and Multiplex. Plastique blew the crap out of everyone because she's psychotic and I have a feeling if any of the Bureaucratic Bureau of Assassins survived the explosion, they'll think twice about hiring anybody with such a chaotic super power. When hiring for a super villain society, your first concern should be avoiding super powers with a high percentage of friendly fire. I would just go by name. Plastique? No. Tuberculosis? Nope. Shitstorm? Fuck no.

I guess Firestorm didn't die since Tonya and Jason's father are dragging him into an alley on the first page and he's moaning in pain. Also, Jason's disembodied head is floating around trying to talk with them.

I hate Jason's disembodied head! He's supposed to be part of Ronnie's consciousness. If Ronnie's knocked out, Jason should be able to take over Ronnie's body. Otherwise, he should be knocked out with Ronnie. But he shouldn't be a floating head observing what's going on around Firestorm!

When Ronnie and Jason merge to create Firestorm, Ronnie's body becomes the vehicle in which Firestorm manifests. But if Dan Jurgens is going to write Jason's head as if it's floating around observing like it is, just run with it! Firestorm could use Jason's head to phase through walls and scout out the area. Jason's head can always look behind Firestorm so that nobody can ever sneak up on them. I'm just not sure Dan Jurgens gives a shit.

Editor Mike Cotton: "Hey Dan? Why is Jason's head noticing Hyena when Firestorm is clearly unconscious on the ground with his eyes closed?Dan Jurgens: "Fuck, dude! It's a fucking comic book, right? Who fucking cares how anything is explained?! It's a FUCK. ING. COM. IC. BOOK!"Editor Mike Cotton: "Fine. Whatever. I guess nobody is reading this shit anymore anyway."Dan Jurgens: "Exactly! Now do you want to snort this line off this prostitute's ass? Cause if not, I'm going again."

General Eiling's secret hero finally arrives to buy some time so that Firestorm can clear his head.

Why does Major Force look nearly identical to that idiot Black Jack that was killed in Voodoo?

Major Force must be a tough, no-nonsense type that probably likes to yell a lot. I'm stereotyping simply because he's a military guy and he's chewing on a cigar. Really? Going into combat with a cigar in your mouth? I hope he chokes on it.

This guy really, really looks like Black Jack! Like identical twin! Same costume and cigar and everything! Perhaps he went up in rank from "Black" to "Major" so he figured a name change was called for. Also, he might have decided he needed a new name after the whole decapitation fiasco. Perhaps whatever the Black Razors injected into the poor sap that became Black Jack simply turns any soldier it's used on into a cigar smoking, black skinned, white haired asshole. Then they slap on the same old costume and give him a new name.

Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Multiplex all show up and begin attacking Major Jack Force. Firestorm heads off to rescue his mom who is still being held captive by Plastique.

Let me get this straight. Plastique blew the shit out of everyone with such spectacular force that Firestorm flew three blocks. But everybody that was within a few feet of Firestorm when this happened didn't get one scratch or burn or blown out eardrum? I guess I have to begin making up my own fanboy logic. I suppose Black Bison cast a spell that protected everyone whose head was not on fire.

Meanwhile in General Eiling's secret headquarters, Superman arrives! But he's not even the most surprising guest of the night!

"Oh my god! Martin Stein! Can you please explain all that shit with Scorn and Wrath and Fury and Pissed?"

With he help of Jason's dad, Firestorm rescues Ronnie's mom and defeats Plastique and Typhoon. Once Firestorm sends the civilians off to safety, he heads back to defeat Black Bison, Killer Frost, and Multiplex with the help of Major Jack Force. Black Bison is knocked unconscious and Killer Frost is trapped in cement but Multiplex gets away. And then Major Jack Force and Firestorm leave the bad guys lying about the street as they head home in conversation.

Oh, okay. I guess the military should be able to keep these guys in custody. Just like they kept Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher from escaping immediately, right?

Major Jack Force tricks Firestorm into shutting down his neural something or others which causes Jason's disembodied head to suddenly become teeny, tiny Jason hanging out on the inside of Ronnie's head.

I told you Jurgens doesn't give a fuck.

Major Jack Force brings Firestorm back to Eiling's headquarters where he encounters Superman. He blows smoke in Superman's face and pays the price. No, Superman doesn't cut his head off. He just flicks him through a six foot thick metal wall. I should try that! The next time somebody lights up in front of me while walking down the sidewalk and nonchalantly begins blowing smoke over their shoulders and into my face, I'm going to flick them so fucking hard! And they'll go, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" And I'll say, "Superman supports me! You're like that asshole Major Jack Force! Ha ha! Loser! I hope you get your head cut off!" And then I'll have to explain it all to the police later. But it'll be worth it and they'll understand once they see I was merely emulating Superman!

Martin Stein says he's been monitoring Firestorm's progress from afar. So he's been watching the world teeter on the brink of destruction for nearly a year and he doesn't do shit about it? But when Firestorm is about to be kidnapped by the American Miliatry, that's when he goes to the Justice League for help? Martin Stein is a communist pinko socialist commie Marxist liberal communist commie! Martin Stein doesn't explain anything else because this comic book is nearly over and it's been cancelled. So everyone will have to wait for his bullshit lies another time. I have a feeling he was sampling sex slaves in Bangladesh for the last six months, the disgusting communist communist! Pinko Tuscadero! Liberalache! Marky Marxist!

Superman invites Firestorm to join the Justice League and they fly off into the sunset with Firestorm finally asking the most important fucking question!

Also be sure to get a per diem!

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now it didn't deal with Jason and Ronnie's romantic relationship but that's okay. More so than the other issues, Firestorm did decently in battle. Plus he asked the only question that matters when being asked to join the Justice League. But this final issue did raise some new questions that everyone will have to wait to have answered. The questions will probably be forgotten for twenty years until a current twelve year old fan of DC winds up writing for DC in 2033 and uses Major Force in a comic book where he begins having flashes of having his head cut off and realizing that the U.S. Military has been using his brain over and over again in different bodies while giving him new super hero names although forcing him to remain in the same outfit. Also there might be some stuff about Martin Stein that people are curious about.

This comic book began as one of the few comic books to really go for a different direction with Firestorm after the Reboot. So it's odd to find that Firestorm has basically ended up pretty much the way he was. Professor Stein is back. All of the "Nuclear Men" of the title are gone. Fury and Scorn and Wrath and whatnot have not made an appearance in many months and have not really been explains. It's all just back to Firestorm and the two men that merge so he can live. And Martin Stein is in there somewhere, providing hand jobs or something.