Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Big Rainbow Block from Family Circle Great Ideas: 112 Fashions and Crafts, August 1980

It’s almost the end of November! That means it’s time to wrap the last of your Christmas gifts, and double check your extended family tree to ensure you haven’t overlooked any of your second cousins (twice removed).

What’s that? You haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet?

You haven’t even started?!

Dear God, people, Christmas decorations have been up since November 1st, and even earlier in North Carolina.

Yes, it’s never too early for last minute gift panic, so dig into your yarn stash now and start making those “My second cousin’s step-brother’s transgendered Buddhist sister-in-law’s here? Why, of course, I brought a present for him. Or her. Whatever, Merry Christmas.”

But how do you make a gift appropriate for all genders, ages, faiths, left or right politics, and – more importantly – left or right handedness? Why, it’s easy. Just make something absolutely pointless, like this giant granny square cube.

Is it an oversized granny toy, an undersized square ottoman, or a just right mid-sized dust collector? Who knows? The point is if everyone is equally confused by your gift, no one will feel excluded this holiday season.

Traditionally, rainbows have seven colours, both in their single and double configurations. However, indigo and purple were excluded from this granny square rainbow because both colours were nom, nom, nom’d by a LOLcat.

(Note: For more information on how to obtain Maxi-Cord, write to Great Yarns Inc, Dept. GSB, P.O. Box 6699, Hollywood, Florida 33021.);

Alas, Maxi-Cord was discontinued, which doubtless led to the demise of Great Yarns Inc. However, any 6mm polypropylene macramé cord should give your granny cube the right amount of abrasiveness to skin a toddler’s chubby hands.

Just look at the impact that all this gluing has had on the pattern editor. There’s unnecessary double asterisking (it’s so intense) and square brackets have been thrown about willy-nilly [but what does it mean?].

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.