The diary of an existential crisis

February 10, 2017

Day 1.

What am I doing with my life? Seriously, though, what? Is this all there is to life?

What is my purpose? Purpose, purpose, porpoise. It’s a funny word. I like dolphins, though, maybe I should be a dolphin trainer? They’re really smart, and they probably don’t talk back. Their skin feels really cool.

I’d smell like fish all the time but that’s a really organic kind of smell, I wonder if I’d get used to the stink?

Is that my purpose, though, really? To feel up dolphins and pong like a fishmonger? I should totally be doing more for the world. Like, save refugees, or help my friends at Rafiki.

Yep, I must absolutely do more, that’s my porpoise. Maybe I should move to Africa? Life is REAL there, you know. Not like this life here, so privileged. It’s confusing though because I really like cacao chia protein balls, tidy ordered society and fancy dinners out.

Day 2.

Maybe I just need to pack up the family and just travel?

Yeah, we need adventure, that’s what life is really about. Not just piles of washing and supermarkets and school runs. We would totally be awesome in a motorhome and travel around and the school of life will teach all of us how to live better lives. Brilliant. My insta account will be off the charts.

Except then there would be piles of washing but no washing machine and they still need to eat three times a day and then we’re like camping, or glamping or whatevs. We’d also be in really close proximity all the time and the thought of home-schooling gives me rectal spasms.

Ok, so maybe we just move somewhere awesome. Like the beach. Or the bush. Or the bush by the beach or something? Yeah, let’s workshop this. I just need a change of scenery.

Day 3.

I can’t move anywhere right now, of course, I can’t. What about the kids’ dad and my support networks? Who will I drink wine with if I move far away? I don’t know anybody out there.

Maybe I just need a new job. Yeah, I just need to choose what I want to do. Yeah, I can do anything.

Soooooo, um, yeah…. not sure, hey.

That’s ok, that’s totally fine, I don’t need to know what I want to do right now, why don’t I just do some study? I have interests. Go back and do some learning. Awesome. Lot’s of people do that, just go and study something. Psychology for instance. I might get to know myself in the process and work out all of my deep seated issues and have a new career. Yeah, great idea.

When will I do this exactly? In all of my free time? Also, am I really interested in hearing about other’s deep seated issues for a job? Oh hell no. I didn’t think of that.

Ok, well, I guess my job is pretty good. I have flexibility and time to work on my creativity and time to decide what I want to do until the kids get older. Yeah, my job is ok. It’s great. It’s good. Great, cool, I don’t need to deal with that today.

What was I doing before I started to worry about that? Oh, yeah, I was stressing about my relationship.

Did I remember to put wine in the fridge?

Day 4.

So does worrying about my relationship mean that my relationship is doomed? It does right?

How does my partner fit into my moving to Africa/seachange/treechange/seatreechange plan? Does that plan match his plan?

Not that I know of… I can’t ask though because then he’ll know that I’m questioning all of the everything and he’ll stress out. I don’t want to stress anybody out so I should just not talk to him for a while otherwise, I might blurt out that I’m moving to Africa. Or maybe India.

India is lovely. I just saw Lion. It looked great there, so colourful and vibrant. And a bit stinky but I think I need a bit of stink in my life because everything is so clean here. The real world out there just is a bit stinky. I need to get amongst that humanness.

Yes, questioning whether this relationship will last forever, or even five years totally means there’s something wrong with it. Of course, it does because if it’s perfect you just don’t even worry about it, right? It just flows. Right?

Jesus, what is that smell? Did one of my kids fart? Gross. Human stench is gross. My kids are gross. God, I love them so much.

Day 5.

I’m so exhausted, but my heart is really racing today. That is so weird. Why am I so tired, so teary?

My life is actually really easy compared to so many people in the world so I really should just pull myself together. I might take the day off from everything, yes. I’ll call my mum and go bake a cake and listen to loud music with my daughter.

Yes, that’s a good plan for today. Maybe I just don’t need to stress about all of the things today and I can just do what I need to do to make today ok and know that everything just works out.

I can worry about everything next week. I’m too tired to think about this week.

Cool. Don’t decide this week. That’s a good decision. Well done. Totally in control, babe.

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6 Comments

Porpoise indeed! But but but …. you have it all together!! You’ve climbed a big mountain in africa, you’ve successfully negotiated a divorce and shared parenting, you’ve had a second chance at love, you’re a fabulous journalist blogger cheffy person, your Dad looks like the coolest dude on earth and steggles throw money at you! How can you be having an existential crisis? Surely they are reserved for us lowly minions who have no job or career (or are in between…), husbands who are as much hard work as one of the children, butts closer to the ground than closer to our heads, menopause gifting us with all her bag of tricks and tween and teenage children who are oversharing on facebook, instagram, snapchat and musicly. No. You can’t have it! It’s ours! Your job is to help us negotiate this crisis through your witty banter and the occasional glimpse into your not-quite-having-it-all-together life (that we are all envious of because we have a definite not-got-it-all-together life). So chuck back that stinky (but adorable) fish, give your man a hug and a pash, learn how to fold an origami crane (hey who says study has to be hard…?) bake a big ol’ cake and take it camping and watch the discovery channel (or anything Kardashian) and then we can all cheer from the sidelines that crisis is averted! Love and hugs V xx

Can I just say that being a dolphin trainer isn’t all is cracked up to be and yes, you stink of fish EVERY DAMN DAY. Can’t get the crap out from under your nails. Trust me… been there, done that in Hong Kong.