Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Kaelah's Corner (Mar 2015): Bindungsangst

This is the last episode of my Kaelah's Corner posts about my years as a kinky blogger. And it is one of the most personal posts I have ever written. As some of you might have noticed, I skipped last month's corner post altogether because it was so difficult for me to write about this topic.

It all started in the summer 2013. By that time, my professional life became even more stressful than it had already been before. Simultaneously, Ludwig and I talked about our future, about moving in together, having children, the whole package. My father got ill and I even feared to lose him as I had lost my mother a few years before. And then it turned out that Ludwig struggled with some aspects of his (professional) life, too.

This all became too much for me and I started to worry that living together with a partner and raising a family maybe wasn't the right thing for me. I had the feeling that too much weight was on my shoulders and I couldn't carry it. As a result, my libido, which hadn't been very strong, anyway, faded completely.

As I already wrote in my last post, Ludwig and I hadn't had much sex the year before, either. That hadn't worried us, though. But this time it was different. Suddenly I had the feeling that something was wrong with us. If this was the right man, why didn't I want to have sex with him? If we were the perfect couple, why was I so worried about the future and felt like I had been caught in a trap?

Of course Ludwig was scared and disturbed as well. I didn't want to hurt him and I was ashamed of my feelings, especially because the insecurity set in at a time when he would have needed my support. So I tried to ignore the thoughts and feelings, not understanding what was going on. I tried to retain a normal sex life, but trying to convince my body that it should be up for something it wasn't up to made it all worse. Suddenly I started having panic attacks when Ludwig and I were physically close, even when we were just cuddling and not having sex.

I am not new to panic attacks, but I couldn't remember having had them in the context of physical closeness. Which was wrong. The occasions had been so rare, though, that I didn't realise at first that there had already been a pattern earlier. As you can imagine, this situation has had a tremendous (negative) influence on our life as a couple and of course we also thought about splitting up. But we didn't.

On our worst day, when we thought that we might not make it as a couple, we first cried a lot and then spent a long afternoon sitting in the sun talking about our relationship and what it meant to us. It was one of the days on which I realised that my mate is also my best friend. And that even in the darkest hour we deeply care for each other and treat each other with love and respect. So, instead of breaking up, we decided to fight and to work on our issues, as individuals and as a couple.

I've learned a lot of new things about myself during the last two years and about the meta-beliefs I have. To make it short, I have a commitment phobia. That's something which isn't uncommon in our society, but I think not many people who have this kind of anxiety realise it. Because often, it doesn't show in form of fear or panic, as in my case, but a simple feeling of uneasiness in a relationship.

There are two types of people with fear of commitment. The active types are the ones who when being in a relationship suddenly have the feeling of being trapped and of losing their freedom. Those people either insist on living in an open relationship or they push their partner away when the relationship becomes too close, start to look at all the things they don't like about their partner and finally decide that he or she (again) simply isn't Mr or Mrs Right and that they should continue their search for the perfect partner. The passive types usually wouldn't even guess that they are suffering from commitment phobia because they are deeply longing for a loving partner. For some reason, though, they always end up with a partner who can't give them the closeness they seek. The thing is, this has nothing to do with bad luck, it is a subconscious choice to protect them, because they couldn't deal with the closeness if they really found it.

As some of you might remember, Ludwig was my first real partner. I always thought that this was because I was picky and hadn't found Mr Right before. Today I am sure that this wasn't a coincidence. It was a protection mechanism. And choosing Ludwig wasn't a coincidence, either. Don't get me wrong, of course the main reason was our wonderful e-mail conversation and the chemistry we felt when we met each other in person. In addition to that we had quite a few interests in common, not only our kink which led to a great first-time spanking experience for me, and I felt that he was on a similar wave length. Plus of course Ludwig turned me on. But there were also a few more parameters which allowed me to take the risk of starting an adult love-relationship for the first time in my life.

Commitment phobia doesn't come up as long as one doesn't have the feeling that the partner wants more closeness than oneself. That was easy for me with Ludwig. First of all, Ludwig was the one who wrote a public blog and wanted to make kinky videos with others when we met. Secondly, we live far away from each other and I constantly had the feeling of seeing him not as often as I wanted to. Plus, Ludwig is a person who needs a lot of personal freedom, too. And he isn't the kind of guy who hastily starts a relationship or insists on a fast progression, which made it easy for me to take one step after another because it all happened on my conditions and in my speed.

In the summer 2013, the conditions had changed. Ludwig talked about moving in together and raising children while I suddenly started to get scared of the prospect. I wasn't in the mood for sex and kink but Ludwig of course still wanted to be close to me, at least from time to time. Ludwig had made almost every experience he longed for kink-wise and was ready to close down the blog and stop making videos, maybe even to stop making any kinky experiences with anyone else but me. But suddenly I longed for more openness and was scared of missing out on important experiences. That was why my fear of commitment broke through at that point.

We even thought about opening up our relationship to solve the problem, but we didn't do it. Because we both felt that it wouldn't have solved the root cause of the problem. It would just have been a way of reducing the symptoms and running away from the real issue.

Instead, we started to learn more about ourselves, each other and us as a couple. We gave each other time and tried to find a way that works for us. I know where my anxiety comes from and that I need to be more closely connected to myself and my needs in order to deal with it. I have also realised that I've made some negative experiences with physical closeness when I was younger and that this is reflected by my kinky fantasies (I'll write a separate post about this topic). I know the triggers and I can communicate them to Ludwig.

Still, the issue isn't solved completely, yet. Physical closeness still is a difficult topic, not to mention kink and sex. As you can imagine, it has been difficult to keep up a kinky blog during the last two years and it still is. Sometimes reading about kinky fantasies makes me very sad because they seem so far away for me. Sometimes kink even scares me.

But the most important thing is that Ludwig and I don't run away from the situation and each other. Ludwig is making good progress with his issues, too. We will soon move in together. Kink and blogging definitely isn't our most important issue right now. But we still have a few more posts to write and videos to post. And I want to write a bit more about commitment phobia, negative (physical) experiences and how that shows in my kinky fantasies. Because I am sure that I am not the only one out there who has made experiences like that and maybe my writing helps others to understand what is going on.

Right now, Ludwig and I are spending some holidays together. My inner struggling is still there but we are having a good time. It's nothing I take for granted. And it is something I am very grateful for.

10 comments:

Dear Kaelah,This is a most heart felt post. I know that no words from outside will change anything, but you have my most deep feelings of support that you can work through and that you and Ludwig can find peace and happiness together

Keelah, you have explained it very well. As I read your message I had a the feeling that at the end of it you would explain how you and Ludwig had decided to break up. It was lovely to get to the end and to hear that you were going to work things out. I really hope that you do so and I have a feeling that you will go on to be very happy together. I think I identified with your story in lots of ways. I am sure that getting closer is the answer rather than pushing away and trying to find some one else. I have made that mistake myself and luckily the special person that I pushed away has taken me back. I will not lose her again. You are smarter than me because you have found this out at a much younger age than I did. Good luck to you both

@ Downunder Don:Thank you very much for your kind words! We certainly aren't people who give up easily. :-)

@ Tommy Tucker:Thanks a lot for sharing your experiences! I think these things are very difficult to figure out and to deal with. I assume that even many people who don't suffer from commitment phobia split up with their first boyfriend / girlfriend once the initial feeling of infatuation starts to fade and the daily routine sets in because they think this means that something is wrong with their relationship. And I am sure that many people who are scared of too much intimacy don't have a clue that this is the case. I guess that most of them are of the opinion that they simply haven't found Mr or Mrs Right or that open relationships are better anyway. I am happy that you have found the special person you want to be with and that the two of you are happy together despite of some struggling along the road!

Dear Kaelah,thank you for sharing with us your journey in kink since you and Ludwig got together. I have always admired your honesty, and this post only serves to increase my respect.

Now, however, I also applaud your decision to withdraw from the public eye and live your lives in private. Enough is enough of being always under scrutiny (although if the occasional video were to show up on Spanking Tube ...).

So all the best to you both, and sincere good wishes for your future happiness.

And I thought it was men that had commitment phobia! This is a heartfelt and very lovely posting. Having been in a relationship now for more than 40 years, I can attest how difficult the initial years can be. I think it took my wife and I about a decade to really get used to each other. Of course, sex is important in any relationship but what is much more important is companionship, mutual respect and a good proportion of common interests. And if there can be some spanking in the mix, so much the better! You'll undoubtedly work through any kinks in the relationship (pun intended). Good luck!!

Dear Kaelah,Transitions are difficult and relationships evolve, but fortunately from what I've seen in your post, the two of you have many other interests to share and enjoy. This should give you confidence as your both mature enough to know that a relationship can't be sustained on sex alone - kinky or not. Enjoy each others company! Life is too short not to. - Eric

@ Anna:Thank you very much for your lovely comment! As my mother used to say: "Everything has got its time in life." Writing a blog can be lots of fun, but at certain times withdrawing from the public eye and focussing on one's private life can be a good decision as well. There will be some more clips before we close down this blog, though. And I think it is important to write about the aspects that are difficult in a long-term relationship, too. All too often, (kinky) blogs only focus on the fun which in my opinion can create the impression that a good relationship should be easy and fun all the time. I think that good relationships are the ones that last through difficult times as well, though, which is why I find it important to honestly write about these aspects, too.

@ Spearthrower:Thanks a lot for sharing your experiences! I assume there are almost as many women who suffer from commitment phobia as men. Maybe many of them belong to the passive type, though. I find it very reassuring to hear from someone like you who has managed to maintain such a good relationship for so many years that the initial difficulties are normal. I hope that Ludwig and I will have as many happy years together as you and your wife!

@ Bob S:Thank you! I have to admit that it didn't feel as if it took a lot of courage, though. The only thing I wanted to make sure was that Ludwig was comfortable with what I wrote in this post. Apart from that it didn't bother me to write honestly about my commitment phobia because, as I already wrote in my reply to Anna's comment, I find it important that difficulties in relationships are openly discussed as well. Because then people won't so easily feel like something is wrong with them or like they have failed if they stumble across difficulties in their own relationships. At least that's what I hope for.

@ Eric:Thank you very much for your kind comment! You are right, reminding oneself that life is rather short can sometimes put things into the right perspective.

My husband and I too have certainly had difficult moments over the years, including a two-year separation around the twenty-five year mark, but here we are now closing in on our forty-sixth anniversary, still together, still spanking. I can't help wondering if in fact our luck in sharing this kink has motivated us to work things out when without that compatibility, we might have given up. Just a thought. Best,Anna

@ Anna:Thank you very much for your encouraging comment and congratulations on 46 years with your husband! I think sharing something like our kink can surely increase the chance of fighting for a relationship and staying together. Not only because of the sexual compatibility but also because telling one another about one's kinky fantasies takes a lot of trust and good communication skills. Two things which in my opinion are a good foundation for a long-lasting relationship.

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