Carl Alasko: Dwelling on past is a crutch

Dear Dr. Alasko: Seven years ago my brother was divorced by his childhood sweetheart after being married only two years. Since then he's consumed with a fantasy that she'll come back to him. We seldom invite him to our home anymore because all he does is sulk. We think he needs help but won't see a counselor. Oddly, we have other family members who obsessively dwell on the past and wonder if there's a genetic component to these behaviors.

Dear Reader: There might be genetic predisposition to having a pessimistic and backward-looking attitude about life. For instance, we know that infants are born either shy and anxious or outgoing and inquisitive — or in between. While the shy child can become more outgoing as he or she matures, the basic personality remains.

The same is true about the optimistic versus the pessimistic personality. Some people tend to see flowers growing in the gutter and look forward to another day, while others see the mud and don't imagine tomorrow as being better.

So it seems logical that certain people have an innate tendency to hold onto past events and feel ongoing remorse about what could have happened.

At the same time, there's a powerful psychological payoff for holding onto the past, no matter what form it takes: It allows you to avoid personal responsibility. When you can blame external circumstances for your problems, you can dump all your resentment and anger on others. Your operating belief is: "My unhappiness and failure are caused by you." Or the "system," or "those people." It's a deep-seated version of victimhood and has been part of society for millennia. This belief portrays negotiation and compromise as betrayal and see co-existence as self-annihilation. It's a harsh, punitive philosophy.

This belief system also provides a powerful payoff: Everything is easier. Complex thinking and personal effort are not required. After all, why bother? Your happiness and success are not under your control, so why even try?

In your brother's case, he believes that his lack of success in relationships is not his responsibility, so why should he try to do any of the things that other people do?

I'm reminded of a young man who complained about his loneliness. His appearance reminded me of someone who slept in the forest and ate wild animals. The word "attractive" was utterly unknown to him. Nor did he want to know about how attraction works in human society because to do so would take effort and that requires self-discipline, will-power and restraint, none of which interested him.

The word "interested" is key. If someone's not interested in learning and growth, they won't learn or grow.

Ultimately, it's very sad that your brother is so trapped in delusional remorse. But don't give up hope. Some day he might be struck by a vision that suddenly illuminates his inner darkness, and he'll see a new and optimistic path. He might spontaneously burst into brightness. But whatever illumination he receives will still require personal effort and self-discipline. There's no escape from that basic fact about happiness.

Carl Alasko, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the author of "Emotional BS" and "Beyond Blame." For information about his books, see: carlalasko.com. Contact him at dralasko@gmail.com.