According to the Book of Genesis, first man and woman created by God, and the last humans made personally by the Almighty Himself until 1976, when He made La Porte, Indiana resident Jerry Dunnigan out of clay just to see if He could still do it.

Catholic Holiday during Lent when a priest uses the foreheads of church members to put out cigarettes.

Rejection of a belief in the existence of God in which one deeply devotes oneself to the writing, thinking, and talking about God.

Christian religious ceremony in which an ordained priest or minister prepares believers for an afterlife where a delighted God repeatedly dunks them under water.

System of ancient beliefs that poses as a religion, even though it lacks dogmatic faith in supernatural beings, organized oppression of nonbelievers, a bloody history of forced conversion, and antagonism toward science.

Son of Adam and Eve who was responsible for committing the first murder and is suspected in 52 other slayings throughout the Old Testament.

Frankish king and emperor of the Romans who conquered much of modern-day Europe by forcing millions to choose one of three options: convert to Christianity, be slaughtered indiscriminately, or just go on minding their own business while agreeing to disagree on the religion issue.

Energy force in traditional Chinese philosophy that flows through the body and, with decades of intense training, can be controlled enough to warm up a cup of liquid in one's hands.

Building where Christians go each Sunday to give God another shot.

Chinese thinker and social philosopher who believed government should be free of bribery and coercion, the naïve idiot.

Jewish holiday whose spiritual meaninglessness has been overshadowed by its commercialization.

Oldest continuously practiced religion, whose tenets of karma, worship, and self-realization are so simple and unobjectionable that the only thing holding it back from becoming the world's dominant faith is the fact that you can't kill bugs, even if they're biting the s*** out of you.

Charismatic wandering preacher responsible for converting a young and impressionable Jesus to Christianity by playing cool songs on his guitar about God's love.

World religion whose central tenet implores believers to stick together because someone is currently trying to kill them.

Only civilization to get God right so far: a feathered serpent who created mankind out of corn and now carries the sun in his jaws.

Nine-branched candelabrum positioned at the very end of a lightly trafficked mall corridor every December.

Muslim place of worship that typically consists of a prayer hall, a dome surrounded by minarets, a niche or other structure indicating the direction of Mecca, and 30 to 40 listening devices planted by the FBI.

Norse Goddess who rides in a chariot pulled by cats, something most of the other Norse gods consider a giant red flag.

Act of presenting a well-reasoned argument against the existence of God to someone who claims to be possessed by a demon, causing them to stop and realize how silly all that convulsing must have looked.

19th-century German philosopher and philologist whose work, when discussed, signifies that it is time to leave a social gathering.

Old Testament patriarch from the book of Genesis who builds an ark to save his family and hundreds of his favorite animal, the tiger, from the Great Flood that destroys life on earth.

Jar or box in Greek mythology that contained all the evils in the world and that was opened by the first mortal woman, Pandora, who allowed the evils to leak from the vessel as she raised the lid up and down to make the box look like it was talking.

Academic and intellectual discipline devoted to the critical study of how life is like one big roller coaster ride.

Member of the Religious Society of Friends, a Christian movement known for nonviolent beliefs that necessitate hiring others to commit cold-blooded murder on one's behalf.

Process of coming back to life from biological death that is also known as the 'Lazarus syndrome' or 'Hulkamania'.

Lord of the Underworld and torturer of the eternally damned who, contrary to popular perception, isn't really that into most kinds of metal.

Relic that some believe to be the very sheet Christ used to wipe his face and body down with after completeing the Galilee Half-Marathon in AD 28.

Hindu discipline and system of exercises that makes people feel much healthier and happier, and thus a practice that must be mercilessly ridiculed by all.

Universal human emotion, positive belief, or earnest desire that the Mexican restaurant on the corner will be open on New Year's Day.

Contemplative examination of one's thoughts and feelings that must be avoided at all costs and by any means necessary.

Son of God who repeatedly disappointed his father, because the Heavenly Lord and Creator of All Things felt His mortal offspring's teachings of peace, love, and forgiveness were naïve and idealistic and failed to take into account how the world actually works.

German theologian and reformer who objected to the Roman Catholic Church's doctrine forbidding people from marrying a pope.

Collection of traditional stories and belief systems through which a culture humiliates itself in the eyes of future generations.

The quality or state of being Tom Petty.

Anything that gives someone's life meaning, usually in the form of model trains and model train accessories.

Service held during the Jewish holiday of Passover that gentile girlfriends think is pretty neat.

Snake wearing a necktie or other semiformal attire.

Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ that is widely considered the worst possible time for a husband and father of four to reveal an ongoing extramarital affair to his family.

Emotional sensation that one either gets too much of and freaks out or gets too little of and freaks out.