Galicia Part Dos: Clams and a Flaming Cocktail

In episode three, we find Mario, Gywneth, Mark, and Claudia right where we left them-in Galacia. This food-and wine-filled episode had me drooling...and more than a little confused. More on that later.

Mario and Gwyneth start the day with that great Galacian bread and, for Gwyn, a side of hypocrisy: To Mario's dismay, Gwyn takes her coffee with soy milk, which is probably not too common in Spain, but when you're an Oscar-winning actress, you get your coffee however you damn please. At least she didn't ask for a skinny vanilla latte. GP encourages Mario to try it and after one sip, his mouth puckers with displeasure, as if reliving that raw partridge. He says it tastes like fake hazelnut creamer. "Well, it's better than cow mucus," Gwyn replies. Mario points out that she loves cheese, which is essentially rotten cow mucus. "I know, it makes no sense," she admits. I can see the tabloid headline now: Picky Gwyn Caught in Dairy Denial!

Having acknowledged that Gwyneth's living a lie, the gang hits the road, heading to the coast in search of shellfish. To make up for the soy episode-at least that's how I see it-Gwyn agrees to eat raw clams and oysters. This prompts Mario to point out that raw shellfish inspires "libidinal licentiousness," which totally skeeves me out. The gang stops in Cambados, where mariscadoras, female clam diggers, search for berberechos (clams) in the mud. In Spain, clam digging is traditionally women's work because men search for seafood in boats. But, as one of the mariscadoras explains, it's not bad work because you spend your days in nature and don't have a boss looking over your shoulder. It's like blogging except for the spending your day in nature part. As gorgeous as the scenery is, the baskets the women carry on their heads look pretty heavy, and digging through the mud with a big rake has to be back-breaking. I think I'll stick to my day job.

Not satisfied with a clam or two straight out of the water, the fearsome foursome heads to a nearby restaurant for a multi-course feast that had my stomach growling. The menu: clams steamed simply in water, clams steamed in wine and bay leaves, and baked scallops in the shell, all washed down with a local Albarino wine. "We seriously adiosed those clams" says Gwyn. Maybe it's a Spanish thing. Or maybe not. Mark complains about the lack of bread to mop up the delicious clam juice. Mario suggests drinking it like a shot.

You'd think that would be enough food for one day, but the four bottomless pits head over to the Albarino wine country in search of their next meal. In one of many scenes that seem to take a fast and loose approach to continuity, Mario is busy grilling lobsters and razor clams over grapevines and corn cobs from the vineyard before the other three have even gotten out of the car. The lobsters are already charred by the time Claudia, Gwyneth, and Mark amble over. Dubious, even for an Iron Chef. The producers are probably hoping all the food porn in the middle of that green, gorgeous vineyard will impair our critical faculties. Mario calls the meal "food and wine combination poetry." Word. Mouth still full of lobster, Gwyneth exits scene, saying she has to return to her family. "More for us," says Bitty Cent, looking less than disappointed as he steals another piece of lobster.

Something about Gwyn's departure makes the editing go all wonky. The excursions that follow are a blur, more like an A.D.D. sightseeing tour than a leisurely PBS travel show. At one point, Mario, Mark, and Claudia pull up in front of the Cathedral Santiago de Compostella, comment on the "rock star parking," and then...it's on to the next scene! Huh? I hope the DVDs have outtakes of Mario parking in front of other venerable Spanish landmarks. I'm sure Mercedes does, too.

Next is a quick drive through foggy Ribera Sacra and then a speedboat ride on the Rio Miño (shown above). Mario calls the river a "submerged ancient history lesson," as the camera pans across what looks like ruins, but the "lesson" is never actually delivered. No time! They must hurry to watch empanadas being made. And then whip up some Galician-style octopus and a flaming drink made with orujo, a grappa-like spirit, coffee beans, and lemons. Mario says it's "not really killer," egging Claudia on to take a sip of the extinguished firewater, which, predictably, is so strong she immediately gags. Mark (back from a hike) joins them to eat the octopus tapas-style, on toothpicks. With the breahtaking countryside behind them, it's a picturesque end to an otherwise frenetic episode.

Highlights:Food, glorious, food. This was the food porniest episode yet, full of mmm-ing and ooh-ing.

The biggest empanada I've ever seen. More like a giant, two-layer pizza than the traditional pocket-like pastry, it was cut into thick, chorizo-filled wedges. Yum.

The flaming drink sounded good, although I probably couldn't handle more than a sip. I'm a lightweight like Claudia.

Lowlights:The bewildering, avant garde editing.

The show only uses subtitles occasionally, often relying on the Spanish-speaking stars to translate. But much gets missed in the back-and-forth, and as a non-Spanish speaker, I felt left out.