Are Your Friends Sabotaging Your Diet?

Shortly after I got engaged, my best friend and I did what most women do to celebrate: We ate. But, determined to say “yes” in a dress smaller than my current size, I dutifully ordered a salad. My internal back-patting didn’t last long; it wasn’t a minute later that I found myself agreeing to split an order of Parmesan truffle fries. My weakness. One fry led to another, and well, you know how it goes. Why'd it happen? Because my girlfriend is tiny—and if she was unabashedly scarfing those cheese-coated spuds, I could, too. Right? Right??

I was a victim of what psychologists call “social facilitation of eating.” In other words, my girlfriend made me do it (nice excuse, huh?). “We eat for all different reasons. We eat when we’re sad. We eat when we’re happy. We eat when we’re celebrating,” says Katie Rickel, PhD, a psychologist at Wellspring at Structure House, a weight-management facility in Durham, North Carolina. “We probably eat least often for hunger.”

In fact, one of our primary reasons for chowing down has nothing to do with the food itself: We’re trying to fit in with the folks sitting across from us. “People tend to eat the same amount as people around them,” says Patricia Pliner, PhD, a professor emerita of psychology at the University of Toronto, who studies social influences on eating. “So if friends and family aren’t dieting, then it might be difficult to eat very lightly in their presence.”

And they might not want you to, either. In a 2012 study from Stanford University, 90% of women participating in a group-based weight-loss program said they rarely or never receive support from their friends for healthy eating. Seventy-eight percent said the same about their family. A number of the dieters even reported that loved ones sabotage their efforts to slim down.

So, how can you avoid a fit-in-with-your-friends binge? Here are five scenarios where loved ones subvert your weight-loss efforts—and what to do about it.

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You see your skinny friend stuff herself. So you do, too...

My truffle-fries fiasco was sparked by a slim friend—and apparently, I’m not the only one. “If my friends are smaller than me and they decide to indulge, then I think, ‘Okay, I could probably do the same,’ ” says Jessica Kappes, 31. “If they’re eating more, I think I can eat more.”

It’s a phenomenon supported by science: In a recent Journal of Consumer Research study, females who watched a petite woman take a heaping serving of M&M’s ate twice as much as those who saw an obese woman dish out the same amount of candy. “If everyone around you eats lots, you’re more likely to eat lots,” says study author Brett McFerran, PhD. “But that effect is moderated by who that person is. If that person is thin, as compared to obese, you eat more food. It’s like, 'She eats a lot, she stays thin, so I can, too.' "

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How to thwart it

Sure, your stick-thin girlfriend is housing a plate of nachos now, but for all you know, she’s eating leafy greens the other 23 hours of the day. “It’s dangerous to assume that any meal you see someone eat is representative of their intake all the time,” says Dr. McFerran. “But that tends to be what we do.”

Instead of using your gal pal’s plate as a form of permission, imagine the killer workouts she does to burn off those calories—or the unhealthy habits she may have, like only having one meal a day. Then adjust your consumption to fit your day of eating. If you have trouble assessing your consumption, try a free daily diet and exercise app such as MyFitnessPal.

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Your husband insists on stocking up on junk...

The day you walked down the aisle, a not-so-funny thing happened: Your wheat bread began to share real estate with a whole lot of Chef Boyardee. “Jarrot will buy four boxes of Tasty Kakes or a bag of M&M’s,” says Kappes, even though she’s asked him not to. “Because I work from home, I have access to it whenever I want. He’ll buy it, then won’t eat it. But I do,” she says.

“It’s hard to have more than one eating plan in a household,” says Traci Mann, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota. “So everybody just converges somewhere in the middle.” In fact, a recent study in the American Journal of Public Health shows that we’re more likely to eat like our spouse than our friends or siblings, and that, unfortunately, those shared eating habits aren’t good ones—married couples are most apt to share a propensity for alcohol and snacks, not fruits and veggies.

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How to thwart it

You can’t lay down a blanket injunction against junk in the house, but you can ban your trigger foods—the ones that practically call to you in your sleep. “For some people, that’s ice cream or frozen pizza, but for me it's peanut butter,” says Dr. Rickel. “You can narrow it down for him.”

To keep herself from downing a jar by the spoonful, Rickel has asked that her husband keep PB off the premises. But their kitchen still stocks foods she considers “marginally tempting”—and that’s where her own willpower comes in. (Follow these 6 simple tips to pump up your willpower.)

You could even consider buying a mini fridge where he can house those pesky buddies of his, Ben & Jerry, says Dr. Rickel. “He’s not hiding it from you—you still know that it’s there—but you don’t have to see it every time you open the cupboard,” she says.

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You can’t eat well without getting flack from your friends...

Your new eating habits make you feel better than ever, but they could leave your gal pals feeling crappy. “When I go back home to Florida, my friends and I go to a barbecue place,” says Lori Koch, 30. “When I just want to get chicken, or something grilled instead of fried, I usually get made fun of. I’m looked at as a snob, because I’m not going along with everybody else.”

Heckling is only the start of it for Sherry Johnston, 55, who starred on season 9 of The Biggest Loser. After Johnston lost 99 pounds on the show, one friend refused to accept her new diet—and even tried to throw her off track. “She’d say, ‘I don’t even want to talk about what you’re eating. Why don’t we go do what we used to do?’ ” Johnston recalls. “When I would go by her house, she would always have candy, cookies, and cakes stocked. It was almost insulting for me not to eat with her.”

Why can’t your friends simply embrace the new you—spinach smoothies and all? “Relationships exist in a balance, where you get used to people doing certain things,” explains Dr. Rickel. “So when someone starts eating healthier, the whole relationship kind of gets thrown into question, like, ‘Do we have anything in common anymore?’ ” This is especially true with girlfriends who are your “food buddies”—those who you socialize with by grabbing dinner or dessert. If eating indulgent foods is suddenly not an option, they may fear your friendship is changing—or self-destructing.

There may also be an element of jealousy or even fear of judgment. “Friends criticize because they feel guilty. They feel like they should also be eating a salad, and now it’s in their face that they’re not,” says Dr. Mann.

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How to thwart it

Your food buddies are right: Your friendship is changing, but it doesn’t have to be for the worse. You simply need to shift your hangouts from Cold Stone to the spa; instead of indulging in food, Dr. Rickel suggests treating yourself to “self-care activities,” such as massages or pedicures. That way, your friends still feel like you’re doing something special—even a little decadent—when you get together.

You can also fend off any food attacks with a reason why you’re making changes—for example, that you have more energy than ever or that you’re training for a 5K (check out this easy 5K training plan!). “We know from social psychology that giving a reason for anything makes people more accepting of it,” says Dr. Mann. Plus, if your pal doesn’t have a similar event to plan for, she won’t feel like your eating plan should be her eating plan—which means less guilt (and probably less disapproval).

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You go out to dinner with the girls—and those breadsticks are calling you...

Girls’ night has become the female version of a weekly bachelorette party: It’s an excuse to indulge in forbidden pleasures, without feeling an ounce of guilt. “I typically don’t order desserts, but if I go out with my girlfriends, they like to split a dessert,” says Koch. “And, of course, I usually split one with them.”

Researchers from Italy put it bluntly: “It is common to overeat when dining in a restaurant with friends. Although we may leave home with the intention of avoiding excess, by the end of the meal we moan, ‘I’ve done it again—I’ve eaten too much!’ ” In a study of restaurant diners, these scientists found that groups of three ordered an average of two dishes per person, while parties of five ordered nearly eight items each.

Why? Because a big group feels like a party. “We create situations where we give ourselves license to consume,” says Dr. McFarlan. He cites his students as an example: If exams go poorly, they binge drink to comfort themselves. But if they ace their exams, they binge drink to reward themselves. In other words, humans have an incredible capacity for turning anything into an indulgence-worthy occasion.

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How to thwart it

Order first, so you’re less likely to be influenced by everyone else, says Dr. McFarlan. The key: Review the restaurant menu online before you meet your friends, and commit to a healthy choice (when you’re not hungry). Then don’t even read the menu.

How to handle the spinach dip, potato skins, and bread basket being passed around? Pick the item you’re most about excited about eating, and take a little when it comes along—but let the other dishes go by untouched. And whatever you do, don’t set a shared appetizer down in front of you.

As if resisting your mom’s cheesy-bacon mashed potatoes isn’t tough enough, family members are experts at laying on the guilt. “One year, I had gotten through the fall without eating meat or dairy products,” says Jenny Surmick, 34. “When I sat down on Christmas, I was looking at all this food, and I knew I couldn’t eat any of it. I actually brought my own food to eat.” This infuriated her father, who insisted she eat the meal in front of her. “That was it,” Surmick says. “I ate it.” And she ate a lot of it: “In my family, one portion is never enough—if you like it, you need two. If you only eat a little, it’s because you didn’t like the food.”

For Angie Wilkinson, 38, even her parents’ attempts to accommodate her healthy eating are a flop. “It doesn’t matter if chicken salad has three gallons of mayonnaise. If it has chicken in it, my mom thinks it’s a healthy choice,” she says. “My parents’ mentality is ‘If it’s homemade, it’s healthy.’ ”

Part of the problem is, of course, a generational difference in nutrition education. But there’s also a more personal aspect to your family’s sabotage: “We use food as a way to show love,” says Dr. Rickel. “So when you’re rejecting someone’s food, they can misinterpret that as rejecting their parenting or their love.”

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How to thwart it

Recruit your relatives to be part of your weight-loss team. Going over for dinner? Request a healthy (or at least semi-healthy) dish the family chef has prepared in the past. “Say, ‘I remember a couple years ago, you made that asparagus dish that was really great,’ ” says Dr. Rickel. “Or, ‘Mom, I know what a good cook you are, and I found this really great recipe. Maybe we can make it together.’ ”

If your family still pressures you to clean your plate, explain your weight concerns in terms of your well-being—that way, you harness the parental desire to keep you safe. “If you discovered you had Celiac disease or were lactose intolerant, refusing the lasagna wouldn’t be a threat to them,” says Dr. Rickel. “You’d just be attending to your health needs.” Likewise, if you present your dieting not as a “get skinny” plan, but as a “get healthy” initiative, your family is more likely to support you.

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