Cheney Refuses to Leave

THE BUNKER BENEATH THE WHITE HOUSE -- Vice President Dick Cheney today announced his intention to remain in control of the bunker beneath the White House. "I don't care what the American people decided, I'm not leaving. What do they think America is -- a democracy?"

This is reportedly the first time in American history an incumbent vice president has refused to leave office.

Vice President-Elect Joe Biden said that the new administration expected to be tested early on, but the Cheney decision came as a surprised to all involved.

President-Elect Barack Obama said, "Some people are just naturally slow to change. Cheney, for example, is still trying to adjust to the 20th Century, but he has been making progress. We've got two months to help him adjust to this new transition."

"If he cannot be persuaded to leave," Biden said, "we'll have no alternative but to turn off the air conditioning and communications equipment down there and brick over the door. The White House is full of ghosts. He'll just be one more."

When asked about Cheney's decision, President George W. Bush said, "I don't really care what the old fart does. Personally, I just want to get home to Crawford. I've trees to cut, brush to clear, memoirs to write."

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