the grinnell experience "enhanced"

OLD GLOVE FACTORY–An anonymous source has revealed a conspiracy so disturbing it threatens to throw the Grinnell College student body into a panic, or at least cause mild anxiety for a few minutes. According to a furtive investigation into the offices at the Old Glove Factory, the Department of Community Enhancement is not all as it seems.

Documents found in the factory describe Enhancement, a “correctional process” forcefully administered to Grinnell students who do not adhere to the principles of self-gov. Exact details of the process are unknown, but the process changes students almost completely, turning them into shells of their former selves.

“My friend Steve told me yesterday how much he loved the authentic Mexican food in D-Hall,” said Claire Casey ‘19. “I had to turn away so he wouldn’t see me crying.”

“They are brainwashing the student body,” confirmed our anonymous source through the muffling fabric of their ski mask.

“They torture you until you’re a True Grinnellian. And if they can’t do that --”. Here our source made an ominous throat slitting motion.

Forensic analysis of dirt clods found on the corn-cob shaped boot scrubber in the lobby of the factory offices indicate that the bodies of those who cannot be enhanced may be interred in Mac field. Reports from students of suspicious nighttime activity seem to confirm this theory.

“Yeah, I saw some campus safety guys burying this dude Jake from my Psych class,” said one third year who asked to remain nameless. “But he totally flaked on the last group project, so I just kept walking.”

When not attending to their burial duties, Campus Safety can be seen patrolling the campus in golf carts, searching for students in need of enhancement. Potential targets include students participating in divestment demonstrations, sitting on loggias, and looking kind of bummed out. Students have taken to running across campus in an effort to avoid these carts, which have a top speed of 15 miles per hour, but their efforts may not help them for much longer.

“The department’s resources are limited, but they’re expanding. Once the new Humanities building is finished, they’ll have a base of operations right on campus, and then --”. Here our source lowered their sunglasses slightly. “Everyone will be enhanced.”

The B&S is printed by the Times-Republican of Marshalltown, Iowa. The B&S is a SPARC publication. All publications funded by SPARC are copyright of SPARC and cannot be reproduced elsewhere without specific consent from SPARC.

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