Noah Blundo: Santa has issues

Wednesday

Dec 26, 2007 at 12:01 AMDec 26, 2007 at 7:01 PM

Every since Bill O'Reilly first proclaimed that there was a war on Christmas and proceeded to shout so loudly about it that his spittle actually came through the television screen, we in the press have decided that the best way to demonstrate the warmth and joy of the season is to spend the month of December shoving a camera in the face of anybody who claims to be offended by, say, garland.

Noah Blundo

Every since Bill O'Reilly first proclaimed that there was a war on Christmas and proceeded to shout so loudly about it that his spittle actually came through the television screen, we in the press have decided that the best way to demonstrate the warmth and joy of the season is to spend the month of December shoving a camera in the face of anybody who claims to be offended by, say, garland.
Year in and year out, Christmas trees get pulled from public places and the thin-skinned fume when they hear the words "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas" – because, of course, nothing puts the Christ back in Christmas like getting angry at people who wish you well.
Within five years, I'm sure PETA will be comparing Santa Claus to Stalin because they think he mistreated Blitzen or something – if that hasn't happened already.
Speaking of the fat man in red, he seems to have caught the most flak in this year's flare-up.
The first target was his bowl full of jelly. According to the Boston Herald, the acting surgeon general said Santa's paunch made him a bad role model for children (I think the pattern of breaking and entering is probably a little more suspect).
Then, reports flew around of Santas getting hit with beer bottles, getting groped in shopping malls, and getting fired for saying "Ho, ho, ho" because apparently Santa's trademark catch phrase is now offensive to women (curse you, Don Imus!)
The notable exception to this trend is Kyrgystan, according to the Associated Press. The former Soviet republic, despite its severe vowel deficiency, still had enough holiday cheer to name a mountain after Santa Claus – though it seems like less of an honor when you see they also named one after Boris Yeltsin.
The Kyrgs (is that a word?) might have chosen to anoint Mount Santa Claus after a bunch of Swedish consultants decided that the big man probably would have to live there in order to make it to all his stops, according to Agence France-Presse. Which, if it's true, means kids have wasted a lot of postage on all those letters to the North Pole.
Agence France-Presse also reported another downer for Santa Claus – he'd have to go 5,800 kilometers per hour to reach his destination. Which can mean only one thing – even Santa had to switch to the metric system.
It also means, as AFP reported, that wind resistance at those speeds would consume his sleigh with flames.
If you're competing to see who can get the largest lump of coal in their stocking this year, I'd say telling kids that the person they're counting on to bring them an Xbox is instead going to immolate in mid-air before he gets there probably puts you near first place.
I don't know about you, but this sounds to me like sour grapes math from someone who asked Santa for a G.I. Joe and got a physics textbook instead.
Besides, Santa is obviously fireproof. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure he'd skip the chimney in favor of the front door.
E-mail Noah Blundo at noah.blundo@timesreporter.com