keeping it together

First Trimester

Caveat – I don’t usually use the term junkie, but just for today, I’m giving myself permission to howl a bit….

Being the mother of a junkie is a shit show.

Being the mother of a junkie in early recovery for the umpteenth time is a shit show on steroids.

Being the mother of a junkie in early recovery who is also newly pregnant is a rush of shit-to-the-heart, a flurry of howling and hoping I am trying to wrap my head around.

Losing it is what I did at first blush – it was a brand new way to panic while yearning for my mother – deeply and profoundly. Alternately, and probably in a sanity safeguard attempt, I have a death hold on the notion that perhaps this is finally where my beautiful, fragile daughter leaves Hell behind and is reborn as the beautiful, fierce daughter I once knew.

Some good news (you take what you can get) – my daughter is six months clean, physically healthy, and I anticipate a clean, safe pregnancy. She is committed to this, and she is home, our home, with Rambo and me, by mutual decision…which coincidentally violates the hell out of my carefully constructed and guarded boundaries, and which has not always gone well in the past. And which is frighteningly but utterly irrelevant – there is an innocent, helpless passenger this time.

In not-so-good but also not deal-breaking news, she is not self-supporting; her relationship with the accidental daddy is not only new, but tenuous; and he too is without resources and has serious baggage. I’ve pretty sure we are not in imminent danger of his prompt support – although she waffles on this topic, and that area of contention is already fraught with land mines and chest pains.

The rest of the family, and her best, dearest, loyal friend and dragon slayer, are all crawling out of their fox holes, in varying degrees of now WTF. When your loved one is an addict, it’s hard to remember that the rest of us are allowed to be human, allowed to feel whatever we feel, allowed to react genuinely, to be angry, frustrated, sad, and even to have debilitating mood swings at the mere thought of possibly having to push reset and end up the oldest PTA mom ever.

What we are NOT allowed, what I will not stand for, is to abandon this child, our blood, this first-born of my only daughter, regardless as to the conception circumstances, and whether or not retirement might be completely off plan. My daughter will have to suck-it-up and run that rapid learning curve gauntlet all new mommies face, while staying clean, and we will all have her back. This kid is deserving of our love and our protection, and will be collateral damage over my old, dead body.

So today, this. It’s still life, and there’s new life at hand, a most unexpected blessing, perhaps a guardian angel, although trusting this baby to save his or her mother’s life is a lot to pin on a kid who is only the size of a lime right now.

Been there done that. Our “innocent, helpless passenger just turned 4. He is a blessing to our family. There may be more rocky days ahead, there sure was for us. But each day gets better and being a mom is sometimes a real challenge for an addict. Our daughter has not been clean for the 4 years of his life, but her pregnancy and his first 4 months was probably her longest clean time. Without a doubt, our daughter has something real to focus on and now that the sperm donor is out of her life, she is moving in a better direction all the time. I wish you the best of luck, and hang on, the ride may not be over yet.

Thank you for your words of hope…your grandson is lucky to have you! We will see this through, come hell, high water, or the sperm diner. If it is our destiny to parent again, or hopefully just to heavily grandparent…we will take no prisoners. At least that’s the plan for today. Lynne

Thank you for sharing your story. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your Daughter and Grandchild. Addiction is a horrible forever disease. My Son sadly lost his battle on 11/26/15. He is finally at peace. Continue to be supportive and love your Daughter. With the grace of God she may learn to love herself. This Child may be what saves her life.