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GLENNON
DOYLE

This is What Brave Means

September 24, 2014

From my inbox:

Dear G,

Help. I can’t figure this out…..

Imagine a bunch of adults who adore their kids and grandkids are sitting in a boat while 2 nine-year-old cousins (boy and girl – 18 days apart in age) are on a cliff, contemplating jumping into the lake below. All the voices from the boat are yelling to the cousins, “You are so brave! Be brave! You can do this! Be brave!” They yell this again and again and over and over and louder and louder until the kids jump.

This does not sound like the same ‘brave’ that I couple with ‘kind’ and run my house by (thanks to you:). So what the hell is it???? What is this thing we keep calling ‘brave’ and what happens when you climb back down the cliff and swim to the boat??

Brave is not succumbing to scary crap, is it? Isn’t it also brave to simply consider the leap? WHAT IS BRAVE?

Seeking the ‘G spin’ to make it all make sense.

Love,
Courtney

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Dear Courtney,

I recently took my daughters to one of those mall pagodas to get their ears pierced. When it was our turn, my younger daughter took a deep breath, climbed into the chair, closed her eyes and said, “Okay! I’m ready!”

The piercer smiled and laughed and several onlookers said, “Look at her! So brave! That little one is so brave!” When her little sister hopped off the chair, my older daughter hung back, eyes wide, arm around my leg. Everyone looked at her expectantly and the piercer waved her over, but she stood still and said in a small voice, “I changed my mind. I’m not ready today.”

Before I could speak, the well-meaning piercer said, “Sure you are, sweetie! Be brave! Your little sister did it! It doesn’t hurt at all!” Tish’s grasp on my leg tightened and I flashed hot red inside. I knelt down to Tish and said, “Wow. That is SO BRAVE, honey. Even though all these people are here and want you to do this to your ears– you listened to yourself instead of to them. I am so proud of you. Trusting yourself to make decisions about your own body is so brave. You are BRAVE, Tish, in your way. Just like Amma is brave in her way. Let’s go. You’ll know when you’re ready. I trust you to know.”

We have to teach our children (and ourselves) that caution is often a sign of courage. That often NO is as brave an answer as YES. Because the little girl who says no in the face of pressure to pierce her ears or jump off a cliff might become a bigger girl who says no in the face of pressure to bong a beer or bully a peer. Whether her answer is YES OR NO- give me a little girl who goes against the grain, who pleases her own internal voice before pleasing others. Give me that girl so I can call her BRAVE loudly and proudly in front of the whole world. Give me a girl who has the wisdom to listen to her OWN voice and the courage to SPEAK IT OUT LOUD. Even if it disappoints others. Especially then.

As my little brave Tish said to me the other day in the car, “Mom, how come everyone says YOLO to try to get people to do dangerous stuff? How ‘bout be SAFE because YOLO???? You Only Live Once, so try not to get yourself dead so soon.” (Tao Of Tentative Tish right there, yes ma’am. BRAVE.)

I’m with you, Courtney. If we are going to tell our kids to be brave, we must also tell them what brave means. Over time I have come to believe that brave does not mean what we think it does. It does not mean “being afraid and doing it anyway.” Nope. Brave means listening to the still small voice inside and DOING AS IT SAYS. Regardless of what the rest of the world is saying. Brave implies WISDOM. Brave people are not simply those who JUMP every time. They do not necessarily “do it anyway.” Brave people block out all the yelling voices and listen to the deepest voice inside the quietest, stillest place in their heart. If that voice says JUMP, they jump. And if that voice says TURN AROUND – they turn around, and they hold their head high. Often the one who turns around shows GREAT BRAVERY, because she has been true to herself even in the face of pressure to ignore her still, small voice and perform for the crowd.

Brave is VERY SPECIFIC and EXTREMELY personal. It can’t be judged by people on the outside. Just can’t. Sometimes brave means letting everyone else think you’re a coward. Sometimes brave is letting everyone else down but yourself. Amma’s brave is often: loud and GO FOR IT and Tish’s brave is often: quiet and wait for it. They are both BRAVE GIRLS. Because each is true to herself.

Brave people only answer to ONE voice and that is the voice that arises within. Brave people are just people who trust themselves more than they trust the crowd.

Brave is: To Thine Own Self Be True. And Brave parents say: I trust you, little one – to Be Still and Know. I’ll back you up.

234 Comments

Beautiful article. I will definitely encourage bravery to my little ones. My daughter has a degree of bravery and needs more encouragement. A lot of people say I am stubborn because I have some bravery in me

I have 4 daughters, ages 6, 4.5, 3 &1. I came across this post in Jan 2016 and shared the story of your daughters with them and talked about what brave is. I am so grateful for you sharing that story because now my girls ask me occasionally to tell them the story of the 2 brave sisters. They’ve heard it enough they can tell it themselves. I love that it gave me a way to instill in them at a young age what it truly means to be brave. Thanks for sharing!!

When I was in my 20’s I attended an herbal medicine conference where there was an opportunity to participate in a sweat lodge lead by a Sioux woman. She was serious, and unsmiling, and it was extremely clear that this was an important, sacred event. At the time I was suffering from serious anxiety related to some life changes. Inside the sweat lodge it was packed. I ended up closest to the fire and not only was it hot, but I knew it was going to get hotter and there were all these people, and I was there! And she was so serious! I didn’t want to ruin the sacredness. She asked us if we wanted to leave, that now was the time to do it. I raised my hand, or somehow let her know that I couldn’t do it. I was too scared. She looked directly at me and told me in so many words that I was brave for knowing what was right for me. That it was honorable. I left feeling empowered and strong. I left knowing that listening to myself was more important than going along with what I had already started in motion. I’ve carried this with me to this day. And am now drawing on that experience to help me through times that are more difficult than I could have ever imagined. Yes. There is nothing more brave than being true to yourself.

Hi G
This reminds me of when my family went zip lining. It was me, my hubby, our 17 year old son and our 10 year old daughter. We got through the first half of the ropes with no problem, all of us displaying amazing levels of bravery. But when it came time to zip over to the second level of the course, we had to climb three stories up a tree to the platform. After tons of traversing across high ropes with nothing more than a hook and harness, I thought for sure my daughter would have no problem climbing the ladder up the tree. I was wrong.
She got to the first level and started to show some reservations. Halfway up the second ladder she burst into tears. Her little heart wanted to do it but her sensibility told her no. She couldn’t reconcile the two and was stuck, berating herself for not doing it. I loved that she shared it with me and that we, as a family, supported her decision (after coaxing her a little to climb further). Eventually, her sensibility won and I walked her down and across the park to where the zip line landed and we were able to resume the course.
That, the decision NOT to climb, was so very brave. The decision to do it in front of all of us, her family of critics and cheerleaders, and in front of strangers, inspired me so much, just like your daughter’s decision to be true to herself.
Thanks again for your great posts.
xoxo
Jen

Great post! Thank you for writing this. I have learned within the past 2 years to definitely listen to my little inner voice and it has made life absolutely more wonderful. I suffered from a very scary (and my first) panic attack and started blogging to cope with it. Teaching your children what you are at a very young age is honorable. I wish I knew it back then. Cheers.

I am revisiting this as I begin a new school year. I teach high school kids who are studying to become teachers. I am sharing this with them as high school students and future teachers- one of my favorite blog entries!! Thanks G!

I like this spin on bravery but my question is, when that little voice speaks within us, who put that voice there? Is that voice selfish or selfless?….Is that voice going to bring harm or going to bring good? not only to ourselves but to others around us. We are responsible for our actions so they say….and again the question, how do we come up with that conclusion?

Ruin our society? Except in war, where we are needed to be true to our COUNTRY, bravery should be only that “to thine own self be true”. Just because there are those who believe we should all think just like them does not make them right (well it makes them right(winged)),Just not correct. Bravery, for us all holds a separate meaning, but it is does require more bravery and strength of personality to swim against the current than to just float with the flow (or chanters that want you to be their definition of brave). A standing ovation for all our children and parents that believe different is not always a bad thing but “to thine own self be true”! Let us all respect others for who they are.

Thank you so much for this article! One of my girls suffers from anxiety and all I tell her again and again and million times again is that she is brave! She overcomes her fears everyday, with very simple things that for some kids are pretty normal, but for her are big! And when she is in doubt I tell her, you do it everyday, you are braver than you think,, you can do it,,, believe in yourself you are brave! SO yes I agree with you…. being brave is so much more than that….!!!

Glennon, I read this a while ago and tried to file it in my heart for the moment when I might need to use it…that moment came yesterday at Knott’s Berry Farm when my son and I were about to be hurled several stories into space and then dropped back down. We were in the seats with the harnesses nearly lowered when my little guy’s face began to crumple. I remembered your story and thought the better of just telling him to “be brave”. We got the hell off that thing, but as we made our exit, he cried even harder, as he beat himself up for not “conquering his fear”. I grabbed him around his skinny body and looked him in his eyes and told him that brave meant listening to the voice inside and trusting that voice. Thank you so much for giving me such a valuable tool to understand my child’s heart and for giving me some words to use that helped him get through a hard moment. So grateful to you and this community for all you share!

Being brave is important yes, but take your kids to a proper piercer, piercing guns cause blunt force trauma to the ears, would you rather have a blunt earring shoved through your child’s ears by a wiped down gun? Or a sterile disposable hollow point needle pushed through by a trained professional and then autoclaved jewellery put in. Be safe.

hi Sophie….where would I find a trained professional who uses a sterile disposal hollow point needle? I’ve been wanting to have my ears pierced again but those places at the mall kinda scare me. Thanks for your response if you see this.

To the lady who took your girls to the pagoda to get their ears pierced: I applaud you, greatly! You let THEM make the choice! You didn’t take that decision and thrill away from them. Too many mothers today are selfish and pierce their baby’s ears. The poor child doesn’t even have a say in the matter. I remember when my daughters got their ears pierced. They were so excited. Afterwards, they couldn’t pass a mirror without admiring their new look. You rob your children of that excitement and joy and you rob yourself of seeing it when you make that decision for them as babies. I have four daughters. They are all grown now. Three out of the four have pierced ears. One does not. She just isn’t into jewelry. Had I pierced her ears when she was a baby, she’d probably still have them. But I let it be her choice. The other day, I was shopping in a store and struck up a conversation with a pregnant woman who was close to delivery. I asked her if she knew the sex of the baby yet. She said yes, and that they were having a little girl. I asked her if she was going to get her baby’s ears pierced right away. She said, “Why would I do that? They’re not my ears.” I thought that was an excellent answer.

My 15 year old showed me what brave means. At a friend’s birthday party a few boys broke out some vodka and cigs. 15 year Olds. My daughter texted me with ‘things are getting wild, mom’. I wrote back, follow your gut and call me when you need to. Her reply….’duh’. I sat nervously by my phone for one more hour until the next text came. ‘Mom pick me up now.’
I picked her up and didn’t expect to talk about the evening until the next day. I wanted her to feel that she could call me anytime to be picked up, even if she made wrong choices or fell into a wrong situations without me nagging or lecturing.
She waited a while before she calmly said, have you ever spent a whole evening holding friends hair up so it doesn’t get covered in puke or listened to people hysterically drunk cry? Being an alcoholic myself, I understood both sides but just listened to her.
The next day we recieved count less calls from her friends and their parents thanking my daughter for her help and ackowledging her for her bravery to follow her beliefs and decisions without falling into peer pressure.
I told her how proud I was of her and she replied,….duh.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this! My kiddos aren’t in school yet and even now there is pressure to participate in things and my oldest is not comfortable with many things and I’ve been unsure how to express to her that she is doing a great job being herself even if her little sister goes down the slide without her. Brave is such a mis-interpreted word and I can’t wait to redefine it with her now. Thanks so much! This was exactly what I needed today!

This post gave me the courage to make the decision to discontinue working on my administrative credential. In the past, I would have persisted with something that wasn’t right for me because I didn’t want to be seen as a quitter. Reading this helped me see that there was courage in trusting my gut and doing right by myself and my family. Thank you, Glennon, for giving me this insight!

Thank you for the insightful post. Your posts make me laugh, cry, and think. In this particular post I would disagree with one statement you said “it does not mean ‘being afraid and doing it anyway’.” I think that is exactly what it means sometimes. NOT in cases where deep inside you know it is not for you, but those times where you might be afraid but somewhere inside you have a small voice that wants to try. But the fear is to great so you ignore that voice–cover it up. There are times when many of us are afraid to make a move, try something new, let go of something old and we let that fear shut us off from accomplishment, joy or love. Those are the times when we need to step out of our comfort zone–to feel the fear and do it anyway. Sometimes feeling the fear and doing it anyway is the only thing that moves us forward.

I have a serious crush on you and your wisdom!!! Thank you for this post. My sweet, 11 yr old daughter, Pickle, is unbelievably in charge of her “Brave”! And, I am so proud of her. She is a high level competing gymnast who suffered a set back 1 1/2 yrs ago when she fell over our banister, and broke both feet. Doing a gymnastic stunt down the stairs mind you. She quickly rebounded and hit the floor flying again. With one condition….she will only tumble and fly through the air if her coach stands on the floor. She doesn’t have to touch her or spot her….just stand on the floor. Unfortunately, her routine can be flawless and she will lose serious points because of this. For the longest time I tried to persuade Pickle to do it without her coach on the floor. I’m ashamed to admit I even tried to bribe her. It wasn’t until I took a step back that I realized what it was taking for her to step out on that floor. And, what’s more important is that she is competing because she loves it and not because of the score. So very Brave.

How would you describe the bravery of soldiers in using this idea of bravery? I am conflicted because the heroes of our country are brave but they surely do not listen to their own still voice from within. Their bravery is shown by BBC arrying out orders, no matter how difficult.

I like your idea of bravery but I am trying to fit it into the mold I have formed on what bravery is and have come to a stand still.

Perhaps it’s both? Why wouldn’t they be considered brave as well? They are fighting for a freedom that they believe in; so although they are serving us in the face of danger, they are doing so because of the small still voice from within that says push on, you can do hard things for the freedom of others. They too are brave. Bravery is also a sacrifice, for the better good of the lives we sacrifice our very own for.

It is both. Bravery is doing what is necessary even when it is tough, scary, or elusive. The soldier joined listening to his voice. His internal voice says hey this is dangerous. His mind makes him do what is right in the best way possible. But the inner voice of strength pushes him past that fear.

I had the same thought and that is part of my hesitation in being able to accept this mindset of bravery 100%. If we teach our children this of course in the heat of the battle many would surrender/retreat. Anxiety disorders appear to be increasing at a rapid rate. Is this in part due to us telling our children it’s ok to succumb to our fear? Are we validating their fear by this mentality? I’m not saying that I think we are. I just don’t know. I have a child who tends to have an anxious disposition and I am keenly interested in figuring this out so I can do the right thing for her.