“We are totally obsessed with sex”, admits churchman...

“Churchmen are totally obsessed with sex and sexuality”, admits the Rt Rev Simon Hathersage, Bishop of Leamington Spa. “Since our own sex lives tend to be dreary and dessicated - there’s a reason why they call it the missionary position - it’s only natural that we’re fascinated by the things that other people get up to in bed. The weirder the better. I mean, fisting... what’s that all about? Bisexual... sounds like having your cake and eating it. Transexual? Nope, don’t get it. But having sex with men in public toilets, without being formally introduced: well, that’s a thrillingly rebellious notion for men of the cloth.

"Anal sex... doesn’t it hurt? Straining the greens? Is that one of those baffling sexual euphemisms? The lesbians in porn films? You know, I’m not convinced they’re really lesbians at all. Bestiality? When love dies, who gets custody of the barn? There are so many questions, so few answers and I’ve got a sermon to write for Sunday. I’m going to have to consult the ‘good book’. And if I can’t find my copy of The Joy of Sex, I’ll have to blow the dust off my Bible"...

Church people just can't stop talking about sex. They stop short of saying that the whole messy business is a sin, but God only knows what the great British public thinks about these men in funny hats and their strange, obsessive pronouncements. The atheists don't need to spend much energy in making the C of E look anachronistic and irrelevant; the men in charge are doing the job themselves. It could be tragic... but it's really just hilarious...