Monday, July 14, 2014

To Sashay Back and Forth in Time

I’ve started talking
to my father as I stand by the barn, looking up at the grove of cedar trees. My
dad has been gone twenty-five years now, but I feel his spirit with me very
strong recently.I think he’s trying to
let me know that it’s okay for my mom to go now.I’m sensing that it is nearing the time when
she will be able to be with him again.Almost each day now, I spend some quiet moments imagining what it might feel like
to be in my mom’s place.She is almost
blind, very deaf and so fragile after the hundred years of joy and hardship
that she’s had on this earth. How does it feel to sit in her comfy armchair most of the
day and just wait for what will happen next, drifting near and far from what is
to what was?

When my daughter and
I saw Nana on Saturday, I told her that a member of my husband’s family whom
she loves dearly is going to have a baby.She was so excited and happy. I also learned from my mom’s roommate that
the night before she had one of her nightmares where she started screaming in
her sleep. Since I was a little girl, I have had to leap up in the middle of
the night to shake her when she begins to wail and bring her back from that
world of war and horror that has haunted her since the 1940’s. Before she moved to the nursing home, I would
wake her up from the nightmares and she would insist that there was a woman
under her bed, screaming through her pillow. Now, medication usually helps keep
the demons away.

This morning, I
called to check in with the nurse to see how things were going.I talked to Cindy, my mom’s favorite, who
told me that my mother cheerfully announced to her that Victoria is pregnant.
Cindy tried to explain that it wasn’t me, but my mom refused to listen.And really, what difference does it make if
she spends the day happily feeling like she did when I really was about to have
her only grandchild?It was one of the
best times in her life, and if she is able to re-live it in her mind right now,
so much the better.

As if keying into my
thoughts, Clarissa Pinkola Estes posted on FB today about the way that one
never stops weaving the story of your life:

“And we take up the fabric and mend the places of mind
and heart. body and spirit, where the threads broke from hard life, long use,
or from lack of iron when first laid in long ago...

and then too, taking up the needle to strengthen those
threads that have held, gone well... tightening down the rows with the comb. If
one can, weaving in one more row, pulling down, then maybe again there will be
room for one more row again...

and as always, working on the hand knotted fringes
that are there to let us sway a little from life lived to best of our
abilities... surely we have not just a hard won right to sashay, but a
responsibility to sashay sometimes.”

My mom has always loved to sashay, and I am a little uncertain about how to do it here, but I'm going to keep trying. I feel like I owe her that.

That you recognize where your mother is on her life trajectory means everything for you both. I have no doubt your father is holding his hand out and am grateful you know what it means. It will help her know it is okay to go, and for you, to let her.Arms around you.

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MY HORSES

HAPPY TRAILS! WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

Over twenty years ago, during a midlife crisis, I gave myself a gift I'd wanted all my life. My Quarter Horse, Silk, is a former Western Pleasure & Trail show horse. She retired from the ring and became my greatest teacher. Fourteen years ago, we were blessed with her daughter, Siete (aka My Impulsive Hobby). Now, both horses live happily in our backyard.

I did so many dumb things and knew so little about caring for horses when I first bought Silk. Time and the horses have taught me some valuable lessons. I hope that I can share what I learn with other horse lovers and help people take the time to look at the world from the horse's point of view. Their message is full of honesty, trust and love.

Victoria & Siete

About Me

(formerly Victoria Hamburg)
Besides being a cowgirl, Victoria produces film and television programs. With director/artist Robert Longo and science fiction writer William Gibson, she created the movie "Johnny Mnemonic", starring Keanu Reeves. She also produced the first AIDS benefit in 1985, called "Comic Relief", with Mike Nichols, Lorne Michaels, Steve Martin and other far-sighted, caring celebrities. Her television career most recently includes being the Series Producer for "Interpol Investigates" for the National Geographic Channel. She's also worked for the Children's Television Network, HBO, Showtime and all three major networks. She lives happily with her husband, her daughter, a dog, and of course, two wonderful Quarter Horses.