This post by author and poet Tracey Madeley presents us fascinating ideas on gender equality from the 19th century that are still up to date. The surprising author of such ideas, whose identity will be revealed further down, defends that equality promotes closeness and fulfillment in relationships: mere fondness is a poor substitute for friendship, as we will see.

“Like the flowers that are planted in too rich a soil, strength and usefulness are sacrificed to beauty.”

This is the central idea behind The Vindication of the Rights of Women, written by Mary Wollstonecraft in response to Thomas Paine’s work, The Rights of Man. Published in 1792 it advocates a more balanced view of the differences between the sexes and how a redressing of the balance would benefit society.

Women occupied themselves with their outward trappings of dress, lace and ornamentation. Wollstonecraft argued that a woman who is simply valued for her looks benefits no one. Women relied on their appearance and any accomplishments which were designed to enhance their marriageability. For an 18th century woman, “when she obtains a husband she has arrived at her goal, and meanly proud, is satisfied with her paltry crown.”

She refers to them as alluring mistresses, rather than rational wives. Such “uncultivated understandings made them entirely dependent on their senses.” In a society which was gravitating towards sensibility of feeling, this was fashionable but not practical, as it turned their character towards manipulation rather than reasoned argument.

At the time the book was published, society believed marriage was the best outcome a woman could achieve. The Married Women’s Property Act was brought into force in 1870 and extended in 1882. This allowed women to keep control of their earnings, in addition to owning and inheriting property, thus providing for a more secure and independent future. Today we live in a culture where women work, but super thin models still hit the headlines and society argues over whose responsibility it is to set a good example.

Wollstonecraft draws a distinction between the sexes, where predominance is based on physical strength, which is perpetuated through women’s ignorance and lack of independence. “Weakness may excite tenderness, and gratify the arrogant pride of man.” But she continues, “Fondness is a poor substitute for friendship.” A view disputed by the emerging gothic novelists of the time, who saw men’s strength and power as oppressive and bullying. Wollstonecraft’s suggestion is that when you put men and women on an equal footing, they both benefit. A man gains companionship and friendship, a woman independence of thought.

She sees society’s way forward, through the education of women. Not just in the fine arts, such as singing and needlework, but in practical skills which will enable them to earn a living. An educated woman is a better companion for her husband, with a relationship based on mutual respect and friendship. Yet it’s strange to see her reject books, as the source of this learning. This is because, during this period, the books women read were fanciful romances, with what she refers to as flowery diction.

“Women who have fostered a romantic unnatural delicacy of feeling waste their lives in imagining how happy they should have been with a husband who could love them with a fervid increasing affection every day.” She sees no benefit in raising women’s expectations. In today’s language we would say the grass is not greener on the other side and it still needs cutting.

It’s a shame that recognition of Mary’s personal life was more prominent than her writing, especially in the early years, due to her relationships with the opposite sex. This has caused her work to languish, neglected for many years and to only receive the recognition she deserves in the last century. Her only marriage was to William Godwin, which produced a daughter, Mary, who later became Mrs. Mary Shelly, author of Frankenstein.

Tracey lives in Wrexham, North Wales with her husband Joe and two cats – Joplin and Fleur. She graduated from Essex University with a Law degree and went on to complete a Literature degree with the Open University, on a part time basis. After getting married in Golden Gate Park, San Francisco in 2004, she completed her Masters in the 18thCentury Novel, again with the Open University.

Like most independent authors she works and writes in her spare time, aiming to produce a book a year. Peaceful Meadowswas her first novel in 2012, followed by Love & Haight in 2013. Both works are available on Amazon.

Her new book Father & Son is due to be published on April 2016. You can connect with Tracey on Twitter (@TraceyMadeley) and visit her blog for more information on her works and great tips for indie authors.

This is what a good friend of mine told me many years ago, but it still applies today—as it will always.

I’m going through a rough patch and can say the past year has been the hardest in my life. Problems just kept escalating. I described some of them to my friends, and they said those issues sounded like Kafkaesque nightmares. Although this time in my life has made me much stronger, at one point I’ve reached the end of my rope. I felt like a machine, living day in day out to solve one problem after another. I would wake up in the morning already startled and stressed out.

Things continued to escalate: it seemed they were always moving one step forward and two steps backward. I broke down. I had no joy in my life, only issues and worries that never seemed to go away. Every time I solved a problem, another would come along.

And yet, despite all difficulties, I was surrounded by so much love from family and friends. They gave me incredible support, not to mention luck crossed my path several times during this period. I counted my blessings and, on the other hand, was so dissatisfied with my life.

It dawned on me I needed to assess the meaning of all this mess. I think it is a message for me to have Faith and leave things in the capable hands of the Universe—that’s how I call God. When we are experiencing difficulties, we fail to see the big picture. What we want and believe to be ideal is often not the best for us, and hence it’s not meant to be. Our struggle to have things our way is futile. The Universe plots in our favor so we can learn what we need to follow our path to happiness and spiritual evolution. Often that doesn’t happen in a straight line as we would like.

I was under incredible stress trying to keep my life under control. I decided to let that go. I accepted I could not control life and trusted the best solutions would eventually come my way. This switch gave me peace, like I hadn’t felt in a very long time. With my mind filled with worry and anxiety, I had lost touch with myself. That’s what happens when you are in a mental turmoil: the mind is not your essence and, when you’re distracted by your mind, you’re no longer centered. Once you’re not centered, you lose touch with your essence—that divine sparkle that connects you to God and the gods.

If you want guidance and help from the divine realm, you need to be centered: you need to be home, that is, connected to your true, essential self.

Otherwise, how can the gods answer your call if when they knock at your door you’re not home?

The saying goes that, when the student is ready, the teacher comes along. But when are you ready for the lesson? The answer is: when understanding reaches your heart and gets in sync with your mind.

There are two stages to true understanding. They are key on the path to self-awareness that brings closure to emotional problems. The first stage is when, after reflecting on a given issue (it could be insecurity, jealousy, anger), you understand its emotional roots from a rational standpoint. You analyze it and comprehend the internal dynamics that lead you to that particular irrational response—now you know how to solve the problem. It’s the first step to healing.

The second stage is when, after dealing consciously with the problem, the solution finally touches your heart. You see, the problem originated in your heart—your emotion—and a solution will never be validated until it reaches it. When that happens, it feels like a moment of true revelation, and the problem dissolves.

Another crucial aspect for healing is self-acceptance. We are told we should always be positive: negative emotions such as fear or anger should not be displayed at the risk of tarring our image. As a result, we tend to ignore or reject our negative feelings. We then develop two sides: the smiley face we show to the world, and the scarecrow we hide in the basement.

Take a good look at him, though. That scarecrow is a part of you. Accept him, establish communication, come to terms with him. You two can certainly work things out. Pat your scarecrow on the head, explain to him it’s OK to feel that way but it’s not productive, so what could the two of you do to dissolve the negative feelings?

Wouldn’t you do that for a friend or another being? Then why do you deny it to your own self?

You’ll never be whole if you reject that part of yourself. You will never be truly happy and in peace. The greatest trigger for fear is avoidance. The more you avoid an inner demon, the more you fantasize about how ugly it is, and the scarier it becomes.

Don’t beat yourself up for having negative feelings. Embrace them as part of you and your human nature.