Causes of Infidelity

The causes of infidelity and affairs, online or off, are complex; they are never as simple as the justifications of cheaters to rationalize their behavior. Statements such as, “My wife isn’t interested in me anymore,” “She has gained so much weight that I’m not interested,” or “I want to have sex that is hot and exciting” are more statements about the narcissism of the cheater who engages in serial infidelity. They are not authentic identifications of a marital problem.

Cheaters justify their cheating by playing the victim and blaming their spouse. They justify their uncomfortable feelings but they are simply not being honest. The cheater is an unhappy person who is likely to become increasingly unhappier, no matter how ‘hot’ his or her sexual life may feel.

For the spouse surviving infidelity, it is important to trust feelings and intuitions. People often seek therapy to deal with infidelity, but may come to realize that they already knew what to do; they just don’t want to deal with the potentially painful result of having to act upon their gut feelings. Spouses are nearly always accurate in their perceptions about their relationships.

The challenge for the victim spouse is nearly always self-care. The spouse of someone who is cheating needs to find their own form of infidelity recovery for himself or herself. The real key to healing from affairs, infidelity, and adultery involves self-care, reaching out for help.

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