I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while walking into conflict within my relationships avoid asking myself specific questions and be aware in relation to moments of misunderstanding that arise out of fear as self doubt as I walked my relationship and within that I forgive myself that I didn’t share these questions with my partner in order to find answers together and within that I forgive myself for not being assertive enough to the point of enabling myself and my partner to reduce and or eliminate the consequences and outflows of my self doubt within and as the questions that came up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that within trying to avoid friction and conflict as the reaction as specific questions coming up within me within my relationship I accepted and allowed myself to become indecisive in my actions and thus ‘less than’ within the process of walking that relationship as a partner and thus allowing myself to become a lesser version of myself as a partner in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that to be able to establish clear communication with my partner and people in general regarding the actuality of a relationship within every moment realizing I cannot do that if I am not here within every moment as the actuality of myself and within that I see this requires real time self honest reflection and self direction within moments of friction and conflict realizing that these moments are always created through miscommunication/misunderstanding myself as part of the causality within the actuality of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within moments of unclarity, stress, friction, conflict within relationships, where projections and blame create strong energies and within that seeing myself blowing myself to pieces, go into this state of freeze and within that allowing myself to become scattered and run out of control instead of focusing and paying more attention to directing emotions and feelings coming up seeing realizing that they are in fact the alarm that is going of reminding me that within that specific moment the priority as the question to become my own master presents itself and I must act within the point of mastering myself by containing myself and my reactions within and as the definition of emotional maturity as my behavior as discussed with my partner in relation to what we agreed upon within what is accepted and allowed within our agreement as our relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no see, realize and understand that relationships and regret are the biggest enslavements points we as humanity are facing and within that I see that a real intimate relationship can potentially be the safest place for me and my partner to face ourselves as the painful truth of who we are and have allowed ourselves to become and within that I forgive myself for not being able to act on my realizations of what potential a relationship represents as the place to speed up my process of facing and changing the way I deal and act in relation to how I programmed myself to behave within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress emotions, feelings, reactions towards my partner within walking a relationship together, thinking I could somehow avoid the confrontation with the self centered reality of myself In a relationship and within suppressing myself miss opportunities to see the reality of myself reflected within and as my actions and reactions towards my partner and within that avoid confronting myself to the point of being able to see for real who I really am/have become within and as relationships and regret and within that I forgive myself for failing to see and use moments of friction and conflict as the self support they represent to their upmost potential as the opportunity to see, realize and understand and thus reveal to myself the extend of my own preprogramming within and as relationships and regret as the reality of me and my partner in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become reactive instead of active/inactive as the conscious effort of self reflection, enabling myself to see why and how I participate and express myself within and as fear in moments of conflict and friction within facing myself with a partner and within that use these moments/experiences as opportunities to sharpen my self corrective skills by slowing myself down, identifying relevant points of self sabotage and within that I forgive myself for being to afraid to change within the moment and be shit scared of what might reveal Itself within and as the reality of me and within that I forgive myself for not using these opportunities to transform moments of conflict and friction with my partner through realtime self reflection and self corrective action as self support to become a better version of myself that will continu to change the way I handle myself within moments of friction and conflict seeing realizing that real change requires action not reactions as re-acts or repeating acts within and as the robot I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my mind give more value to my preprogrammed ideas believes and projections of what a relationship should be instead of seeing in real time for real what is here, taking place as the sum of our collective parts and past as our persona’s in reality as the reality of us and our creation within that reality as the real version of who we are and what we have accepted and allowed to become within an intimate relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest within the point of seeing and realizing I was not taking full responsibility within and as the actions/work required for me to be successfully self employed to a minimum standard for me to have at least a minimum income and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing what the true extend was of what I was actually bringing into and shared within the relationship with my partner as the points that had to be integrated and within that I realize that my partner was unable to see realize and understand and take into consideration the whole reality of me as a self employed partner and everything that comes with that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate to the point of clarity and reality why I censored and suppressed myself within the relationship I shared with my partner instead of sharing myself to the point my partners would have a clear picture of the challenges and practical points I am facing in my life and thus what is practically possible and impossible thus allowing us to address them together within our relationship as the practical place to train ourselves within and as the practical partakers within the point of mutual support .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections and assumptions based on how well I thought partner new me instead of seeing within every moment the reality of our relationship as the moments and situations that have to be directed between us as the solutions to be able to continu walking our process as partners within and as the relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge a person based on the picture presentation of this person I see on social media wherein I am defined as this persons BFF seeing and realizing that this persons definition of friendship related to how this person perceives a BFF as these removed pictures is apparently different from mine?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge a person who's selectively removing me from this timeline presentation on social media as selective self censorship and within that allow myself to think that what is left is the definition of our ‘friendship’, our world and collective reality according to who that person ‘really’ is not realizing that within this I am looking at a desired picture presentation constructed from another mind based on projections and thus I’m reacting and judging based on virtual reality within a virtual reality which is stupidity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and conclude that from this person’s perspective our friendship, as the picture presentation on a social media timeline must be part of a multiple persona related to multiple relationships this person apparently has experienced with me instead of being patient and wait what reality as real life will reveal as ‘the truth’ within this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that within the real and raw reality of practically living a friendship/relationship, I’m always looking, seeing and make assumptions from a preprogrammed and distorted perspective and within that I see and realize my reality as the relationship is but a projection of myself reflected back as what I manifest into this world as how I have defined and lived relationships for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeing myself in relationships take sufficient time to evaluate and come to a clear understanding with and within myself in relation to my standing, principles and actions within and as my actions in relationships and to be more specific, the relationships, emotions, feelings and opinions I form when a person defines me as a ‘best friend for life’ and within that I see realize and understand that future relationships that become intimate need absolute open clarification from my part as to how I define or want to redefine what a BFF, friendship and or a relationship is seeing realizing that that is giving a potential partner the best possible chance of forming a ‘real’ partnership based on the ‘real deal’ here instead of the pictured timelines in our heads thus giving myself and a partner the ability to participate and walk our common journey on the most equal of bases.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I did not became more at ease and intimate with myself and the other persons in relationships and within that not allowing myself to walk the relationship to it’s full potential as a place and phase where real self trust can develop based on seeing reality as myself reflected back by the other person and within that I forgive myself for not being able to identify and differentiate shared pleasure, intimacy, mutual interests and mutual support from destructive patterns of co dependence thus instead of walking the relationship as a place to develop self trust in order to minimize co dependency and the ability to stand more equal and able to embrace more of myself and thus the other person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get on board the relationship and not see realize and understand the importance of constant evaluation and awareness when it comes to the importance of navigation within the principle of traveling together instead of alone and within that the real time and effort it takes, seeing realizing from the experience in former relationships that two captains on one ship requires seriously high level of communication, professionalism and self responsibility, knowing seeing that on relationships we often have to sail parts of the journey blind and or alone and within that seeing the opportunity to experience and develop undeveloped aspects of ourselves in the mirror that other person represents and vice versa instead of allowing myself to occupy myself with ‘the positive’ as if that where a threat to the equilibrium we as self defined BFF’s should have within and as our relationship and what it represents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my life and over time create misconceptions by focussing on the positive within my relationships seeing realizing that by doing so I pulled a veil over my eyes whereby I disabled myself to see the consequences of doing so for real and within that I Realize I will have to face these consequences as the repeated outflows of negativity as conflict and friction within the reality of relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make positive experiences, memories, feelings and thoughts into the reference points for what I define a relationship has to be and within that I see realize and understand that this focus on the positive is in no way creating balance, stability or objectivity because within that I can see that my focus and actions are one sided and if I’m one sided my relationships will become ‘one sided’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand from my own experience that within intimate friendships/relationships and over time I will get to a point where I am confronted with myself and my partner as the skeletons that are coming out of our closets within and as our ‘negative’ actions and reactions that play out in our relationship and within that I realize that as such these experiences are new and alien to us and within that I realize that these alien things as my habits, behavior and hidden patterns are the real point to focus on if I want to deprogram myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with these self created ‘Instagram profiles’ until I cannot longer keep track of all the parts keeping this self created persona together and thus allow myself to fall into pieces and blow the lid off making myself co responsible for creating situations where I see my partners scared when I feel fine or ecstatic when I allow myself to feel depressed or see my partner calm and relaxed when I am behaving uptight and agitated and within this allow situations to direct me instead of me directing myself within the situation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that my relationships are mirrors and spooky reflections of what is actually wrong with me if I dare to take a look and within that I forgive myself for avoiding these confrontations with myself and within that allow myself to believe I know my so called partners through and through and thus have the right to make assumptions to who my partners realy is and what is really going on for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that walking a relationship is actually me and my partners dealing with layers we are trying to peel off of ourselves as that other person and within that I failed to see and accept that my reactions towards my partner are in fact always my own projections of self judgement and other bullshit that come up and within that I realize that that actually abuse and unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become and act as characters and spent my whole life being distracted by situations created by these self created entities and within that I forgive myself for not questioning myself in moments of conflict as to why and how I’m doing this to myself and within and from those experiences allowed myself to avoid, suppress or make projections unto my partner and former relationship experiences with so called ‘partners’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program myself to become as a person as a persona, a human being that is unresolved thus unbalanced thus not stable and within that I forgive myself for not acting upon the notion that unbalance if not corrected leads to more unbalance which in turn makes stabilizing a manifested situation of conflict even harder and within that I forgive myself for the fear, potential and the irreversible interpersonal disasters I created by not taking action within relationships out of fear for the negative reactions my relationship partners might have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within relationships focus on and fear what we want as the positive as these ambitions, wishes and expectations of a common future as the relationship, seeing realizing that by doing so I’m doing my share of creating the opposite instead of creating a balanced walk that is in sync with what is here and playing out as the actuality of me and my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to spite as a coping mechanism instead of using moments where I see myself expressing myself outwards in negative possessed, unstructured outbursts of anxiety, frustration, disbelief, anger, pain, shame, grief, depression, giving up, walking away as physical opportunities to change the way I handle my impotence in relation to addressing and dealing with what I have to face as my self created reality as conflict within relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that relationships show us who we are and speed that proces up and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as not able to keep up realizing that by doing so I’m all ready giving up and not allowing the relationship to get me to the relevant points fast and within that I forgive myself for not giving the best of me within dealing with relevant issues between me and my partners and do that collectively thus allowing my relationship to show me who we really are within our actions as the definition of the word ‘friendship’ and what that really practically means within and as a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit myself to give myself sufficient clarity and understanding when it comes to redefining the concept of ‘best friends for life’ and what that really means to me on a practical daily level and within that I forgive myself for becoming unclear and unresolved in relation to how I want to live friendship and relationships in general, realizing seeing that a partner can not have clarity regarding me if I am unclear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize on a practical level how deceptive hidden points within me can reveal themselves within a relationship while walking this process of revealing myself with someone else and within that I forgive myself for underestimating the severity and fastness of these hidden patterns within me and my partner as these messed up and dark moments where I go through the experience of finding myself and my partner at our lowest point and our worst behaviour and within that I see realize and understand that it can come to a point where no one is able to stand and everything falls and within that I see and realize that it will take time and effort to come to terms with myself in relation to the events leading up to this situation before I can take on the next process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, think and convince myself that I was never meant to stand up or be able to stand within a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not focus on how I carry myself within standing up within myself within moments of conflict within relationships and within that I see that this can lead to a fall and within that I see realize and understand that someone who is in a relationship with me can not accept that behaviour even if that person is convinced that he or she wants me to be in his or her life permanently and within that I see that it’s about me expressing to the best of my abilities who I am within and as my actions that permanent point within someone’s life and that other peoples preferences, competences as projections are completely irrelevant in relation to the development of that relationship seeing realizing that the starting point for every relationship is the relationship I have with myself and create with myself!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to albeit going trough similar experiences before, I underestimated the intensity of energy residing within me that came out during this brake up and within that I realize that getting up and stabilizing myself after a fall like this takes time and within that I forgive myself for not acting on the subtle signals that where already in my reality warning me that something was slowly but surely going haywire and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort to reflect on similar events in the past and use them as the lessons I learned to approach situations like these to prevent the damage from becoming so big that things will never be as they where before seeing realizing that resisting and suppressing painful points will only make accepting reality more difficult and within that enable myself to fully and immediately direct myself towards a solution that is best for all within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not enabling and training myself more within the point of translating simplicity and common sense into consistent real change and behaviour and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough, never enough, a failure, seeing realizing that I’ve done more than was healthy in relation too the challenges I was facing and within that I forgive myself for not being able to see the whole multi dimensional picture of what was unfolding within me as the relationship and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that finding solutions within relationships as projects require preparation, planning and labour and that solutions are never here at once and within that I see realize and understand that when I face a point within me or another person it’s never that one point but merely the tip of an iceberg and within that I forgive myself for focussing on those tips instead of looking for the origin of that point as it’s presenting itself within and as the hidden dynamics of my relationship!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not redefine the words patience and balance into a practical workable format I can apply in daily life as a reflex as a method as a tool too keep myself grounded and stable in order to allow myself to become aware of the strings of cause and effect in real time within and as myself as my actions and the consequences thereof

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to verify with my partner in real life and within and as real constructive labour what it practically entails to address the foreseeable outflows of our common expectations, projections in relation to our common experiences within and as our relationship and where those can potentially lead us in regards to a common future where I will be a permanent part in my partners life, seeing realizing we will have to walk and face ourselves as the creators of our reality and the possible scenario’s that are likely to play out between us, seeing realizing that within that point I will continue to separate myself if I do not have a firm stand based on the relationship I live with myself as an equal partner and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner for not doing enough or being the reason for shit that is playing out and within that I forgive myself for not addressing my own demons first, seeing realizing that in order to stand as a point of stability within a relationship I need to stabilize myself first in relation to known aspects, behaviour and trigger points within me that can potentially cause problems between me and my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that within these processes it eventually always ends with facing the horror of myself and someone else, not realizing I have a big part to play in how things work out in my reality within and as HOW I walk with someone within this reality as the ways I deal with this person and the situations and who I allow myself to be within that as my actions and reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that for me to get to relationships 2.0, is making sure I bring myself to that point where I am able to hear that one voice inside me as me here and focus on braking the eggs in the right way instead of making projections in my head about the perfect omelet!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become agitated, frustrated and locked-up seeing parts of the true nature of who we are as partners within and as this relationship we walk and within that I forgive myself for suppressing my fear for my own fear as the anxiety related to the relationship experience with my partner and the point that within relationships all shit will eventually be revealed and within that I forgive myself for not reflecting on what I can practically do and not do to give myself and my partner a fair change and clarity in relation to dimensions revealing themselves within the point of me fearing the unknown in relation too becoming a practical and permanent part of someone’s life and what that practically entails for the both of us in daily life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make past experiences and moments of conflict between me and my partner into projections and assumptions of what is possible and impossible between me and my partner and not sharing these points self honestly with my partner, seeing realizing that this is a moment where I fail to take self responsibility and instead decide to suppress myself hoping that this potential new process will work itself out and within that I forgive myself for making my partner’s proposal into a self for filling prophecy within the point of me thinking and assuming that my partner also knows that our joint history as a relationship in no way suggests that being together is a good idea and hearing my partner speak out that proposal thus judging that proposal as some sort of confirmation or compliment instead of a legitimate proposal I have to take seriously and see for what it is, being the start of a new process thus everything as us as the relationship redefined and within that I forgive myself for completely failing to see these dimensions opening up as I write them down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see within me the way I unconsciously sabotage moments of resistance as fear as the real opportunities for change within relationships and instead allow myself to secretly and selectively focus on positive projections in relation to the negative within my relationship and within that hide the true nature of myself as who I am as the sum of my parts and within that I see realize and understand that this is my mind doing what it does best which is letting me sabotage my own process of changing for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for my responsibility to embrace the positive and the negative within me as who I am as the totality of me within a relationship and within that I forgive myself for creating and projecting a censored view/image towards my partner seeing realizing that by doing so I’m actually creating a negative shitstorm in the future and within that I see realize and understand that all I can do within a relationship is embrace, share and communicate all of myself as a living example of how how want to I live a relationship as I would like others to embrace me and live and share themselves with me within and as relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner had little to no clue as to the effort, time and energy it actually takes me to run my own company and be part of a startup within a corporate environment and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for the doubt/questions that arose within me regarding me becoming a more permanent point in my partners life and the answers those questions required as clear communication from my part regarding that assumption I made and within that I see and realize that my partner doesn’t have to see all the dimensions of me but only has to see me for real here giving my best to be specific and clear within my communication in relation to my doubts and fears in order to give my partner the best possible opportunity to simply see realize and understand what is realistic in relation to managing her own expectations in relation to the dimensions that will likely open up after I become a permanent point in her life and to within that enable the both of us to see for real what is and is not possible from the perspective of personal wishes and projections regarding the point of having each other as partners within and as the total sum of our parts as the starting point for what I now see realize and understand to be the start of a new process, and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that a new process requires a fresh look and new starting point from the perspective of the changing dynamics we both will face in relation to becoming more permanent parts in each others lives and the changing dimensions and obstacles we therefore are likely to encounter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the time I’m now investing in giving myself clarity by writing and self forgiveness was not available to me because of being actively involved in a relationship with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that coming to a clear understanding within myself in regards to the points opening up in relation to the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partner’s life is essential and within that I see that if these points open up within a relationship the relationship has already changed and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that this change and points opening up as this change as these questions and feelings of doubt need the same time/attention anyway and within that I realize I should have reserved and shared that time within my relationship with my partner to get to a clear understanding in order to design and program practical solutions in regards to how we want to live and shape our relationship as that new process we are both starting and within that see the necessity to come to too a clear and redefined agreement with myself and my partner because within that is the opportunity to give ourselves the best possible starting point for walking what is to come together successfully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize within points opening up in my relationship after the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partners life was asked, the necessity to always investigate and come to a clear understanding within and as myself so I can enable myself to communicate and share with my partner the specific points I see opening up and within that the observation that it is essential for my partner to see and understand these points so we can prepare ourselves and thus the relationship to move in a direction we both agreed upon seeing who we are within and as the relationship up to that point and all we bring to the table as who we are within and as ourselves including the bags of shit we still carry as our hidden patterns, as the trauma, as the potential breaking points as the points we have not yet faced and walked within and as our relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as understanding and flexible and within that place her in my reality as intelligent and flexible and within and from that convince myself she is thus interpreting intellectually and thus not able to see my physical reality and specifics of what it is I have to do and go through on a daily bases related to my self employment and within that I forgive myself for not trying to cross reference this assumption with my partner into the nitty gritty in order to understand for myself within absolute clarity what it is we have come to face as partners as BFF’s within and as our relationship as the starting point for a new process that I see is now knocking on our door(s) as a relationship that needs redefining!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and act (out) as if I was the permanent problem/cause connected to situations of friction and conflict emerging from our relationship by being involved in my partner making choices that turn out to be and are seen and judged by my partner as costly experiments and within that I forgive myself for not directing myself and come to clarity and standing within myself in order to support my partner and the stability of our relationship in moments where this construct was used as hidden blame between us as the collective sum of our parts as our projections and reactions as who we are and express ourselves in separation within this relationship, now seeing my responsibility in relation to the severe outflows these patterns had in our past and can have in the future as part of our personalities as friction in our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to failed experiments in relation to my partner as part of my relationship where I was faced with hidden blame where my partner connected me too a created problem even though it was solely based on a personal choice my partner made and within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing my responsibility within this and from that point come to a clear understanding within and as myself to who I am and want to be when I communicate with my partner regarding, my doubts and inner conflict, seeing within this that creating clarity regarding the points we are facing in the moment is of the utmost importance in relation to how we deal and resolve friction as partners within and as our relationship without wasting time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I had to stop my partner beforehand from making decisions that I saw as not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant instead of focussing on getting my emotional skills to the level required to communicate my standing clearly and without energy attached from the starting point of doing what is best for all involved within the relationship before making assumptions based on what I project and believe to be, not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that an emotional mature, competent decision can also entail that I give my partner a change to fail because sometimes it’s simply more effective and thus consumes less time and within that see and understand that my partner is able to do the same and that after these moments have been directed by myself and my partner I should be grateful for having someone in my life taking the effort to let me fall in a controlled way albeit my experience within that moment and my reactions towards my partner may be completely different and within that I forgive myself for not using moments of severe possessions to the best of my ability because I react out of anger, fear and shame and within that fail to see that these are actually personal pressure cookers I can use to eat my portion of progression sooner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place and degrade myself as the handyman within my partners reality instead a boats mate within and as the definition of shared responsibility for our relationship while out at sea in the system within the point of priorities required to get to a clear understanding of the actuality and coarse of our relationship and what it practically requires to keep the relationship in sea worthy shape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that walking these relationships points is not walking these points only to get to a clear understanding of them for myself but for my partner and everyone facing these dimensions and events within relationships as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing that even my self forgiveness can be a mindfuck instead of a process to become self-centred in the right sense of the word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become too computerized and rigid within my approach to daily life to see that I walk this proces to study my starting points as the blue prints of the programs I use to sabotage myself into separation within ‘all’ my relationships and within that I see that I’m interconnected and the only way to stop this is to de-connect and de program myself, especially within a intimate relationship albeit the huge resistance I experience when that relationship process demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the experiences of resistance when a process within my intimate relationships demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects, not seeing and realizing that by giving into resistance I’m actually postponing the process of getting to the specifics of why I and how I walk myself into conflict and how I can walk myself out of patterns as my resistant behaviour through witch I sabotage myself by denying myself the gift of specificity, clarity and discipline within that seeing that resistance is always a specific point and opportunity in space and time for real change and within I see realize and understand that to address my behaviour as self limitation and change that behaviour is to enable myself to become more flexible, clear and specific and literally physically train myself within and as mastering actual practical discipline as the most efficient way to change myself in real time within moments regarding points of resistance related to the negative dynamics between me and my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my backchat judge my partner as stubborn, over determined and impatient, not seeing realizing that these projections and judgements I make are but one sided projections coming from me and that they are projected by me because I’m not willing myself within these moments to slow myself down, stop, breath and first investigate for myself and within myself why I allow myself to judge a partner based on one sided parts of the picture/perspective I create within my mind and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that in these moments I’m actually all ready starting to participate within a polarized situation I am creating myself as conflict by allowing myself to become and act one sided and reactive towards my partner and within that focus on the wrong person instead of myself first as the instigator of possible friction and conflict within my relationship witch is actually my own stubbornness, impatience and inflexibility in relation to not wanting or willing myself to really change these points and within that I see that the more I push and force myself to always look at the whole picture the sooner I will be able to ‘stop myself in time and see the polarity playing out within these moments of friction between me and my partner and within that I see realize and understand that being able to do that is the start of real change within and as the opportunity to either participate within or stop my participation as the creator of polarity between me and my partner and thus allowing myself to become and be an active participant within the process of bringing these moments to a point of stability and clarity so me and my partner can walk from the same perspective in a more harmonious and simplified environment and by doing so get things done more efficiently and within that I forgive myself for not focussing on trying to bring all these points to the table in situations that require objective* and solid advice from my part and within that I forgive myself for not pushing myself more in situations of conflict within relationships out of fear of destroying my partners ‘positive moment’ out of fear for creating ‘negative moments’ within my relationships wherein I allow myself to feel judged as the one that always focusses on things that could go wrong and be the seen as the ‘spoiler of happy moments’ as the one that ‘always spoils the party’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the ‘weird one’ that ‘always spoils the party’ not seeing that this is part of who I am and how I have behaved in the past and projected myself within and as my personality and behaviour towards people, seeing realizing that within that point I’m actually the one not willing myself to change myself within this point as my behaviour as my actions and reactions and thus limit myself within the point of actual real change within and as my relationships as who I am and want to be for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner within the point of displaying ’rich bitch’ and ‘diva’ behaviour as disdain towards me and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my ability to see these specific points within and as someone else’s behaviour can only be seen by me if they are part of who I am and my behaviour as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that when I react I’m always reacting as my own creation as self-judgement in relation to the point I’m reacting too and within that I see that investigating these points of judgement in relation to how I behave as disdain should be investigated and walked first so I can be an example for myself as to how I want to deal with this point practically for myself as a living example instead of judgement towards my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that it’s hard for me or that there is little I can do or say in moments of conflict between me and my partner to make her change her mind or attitude within that seeing and realizing that I’m assuming to know my partner well enough to draw that conclusion seeing realizing that I don’t know myself well enough within the same points to draw that conclusion and within that assuming allow myself to become the instigator of more conflict instead of a directing force towards a solution that benefits the relationship thus the both of us equally seeing realizing that my partner needs experiences as confrontations with who she is and has become just as much as I do in order to be able to make choices based on actual experience and within that I forgive myself for not seeing the ability of my partner to change within and as her behaviour towards me after her divorce where she became less judgemental in relation to my struggle with work and money because of her own experience with that struggle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bullied by my partner in the past for not having enough money and within that assuming that she never took the effort of really investigating and experiencing for herself what the dynamics of my life entailed, seeing and realizing that within that point I have not created sufficient clarity for myself in relation to that point and thus not for my partner thus allowing my partner to be really able to see how and what my life entails and make decisions based on that reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as very outspoken, unreasonable and way to blunt and within that assume that I was of little to no influence on her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by anger and frustration based in feeling treated as ungrateful by my partner as a reaction to her backchat where she made spiteful remarks in relation to me supposedly letting her down and never finishing what I start, and within that judge my partner as as an ‘ungrateful bitch’ within the point of seeing her not take self responsibility for initiating those situations within and as situations of conflict in our relationship based on en originating from her own personal choices and within that I forgive myself for not being able to stand and communicate this with my partner from my perspective in a constructive and clear manner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and thus postpone self development through miscommunication and misunderstanding and lack of stance from my side, within that seeing and realizing that by doing so I’m creating a situation where the physical will do the processing for me by creating situations where I wil have to face myself falling and go through the experience of my lowest point and the consequences that creates as situation in my life where I loose everything and will have to face myself as the reality of me within and as time loops I wil have to walk as the irreversible damage I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner for not taking my reality seriously and within that judge her as arrogant or self centered or ungrateful thinking that because she is not an active part of the commercial environment I am confronted with on a daily bases and within that place her as unable able to stand in my shoes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid confrontations with my partner by keeping my mouth shut or bring as little as possible to the table in relation to my daily struggle related to being self employed out of fear for my partners reactions and or judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my partner has to experience for herself what it means to ‘make her own living’ as a self employed individual while walking process and a demanding relationship because I believe I am not capable of managing my partners expectations in relation to walking a relationship with me and to within that (after a our relationship fell) convince myself that the relationship is now definitively over thus all in relation to my partner is now out of my hands, not seeing realizing that the fact my partner is not standing with me doesn’t mean my standing within and as my definition of being a partner and a BFF as myself has to change as well and within that I forgive myself for deceiving myself by concluding I cannot stand with her as my self agreement like I did in the the past as the responsibility I want to take within and as the relationship seeing realizing that this is not who I am or what to be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone who’s not managing expectations towards me in a sufficient way and that within that my total reality is not seen or taken into consideration and within that I forgive myself for judging my partners demands, expectations and the way she projects them as blunt and not realistic, seeing realizing that it is my responsibility to manage expectations within my relationships from a ‘self-centered’ ‘stand-point- and in a professional way through clear communication related to the relevant points that need clarification from my part

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself instead of finding out for real if my partner consciously disregarded a large part of my reality or didn’t see and realize to the full extend, what my life practically entails and within I forgive myself for coming to the conclusion that I’m not able to live up to my partners expectations and thus cannot be a preferred partner and that from this perspective it makes no sense for my partner to ask me to be a permanent part in her life, within that seeing and realizing that I’m actually using a self created mechanism to manipulate my relationship and through that sabotage my process of self change by not testing myself for real and instead allow myself to make believes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that an experience of conflict between me and my partner within our relationship actually ads new context to our relationship and within that I failed to see and act to integrate ‘new context’ in our reality effectively and fast enough in real time, seeing realizing that from there a new perspective is revealing itself and thus the old and ‘new-context’ have to be reintegrated and redefined and within seeing that I forgive myself for not taking all of our common past and what we have created as our relationship as the foundation over the years into consideration within moments of friction in this relationship as ‘new context’ and within that take into account the old memories, experiences and unresolved issues between us seeing realizing that these will always influence the present as our action and reactions within every aspect of our relationship and within that I forgive myself for not looking specifically at these fundamental point and instead allowed myself to become distracted within and as the dynamics of daily life as this relationship instead of slowing myself down and allow myself to give myself a clear picture and perspective of what it is I am participating within as the actuality of myself within and as this relationship in order to become and stand as a point of stability and reference within and as this relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get ahead of myself as part of a pattern where I avoid confrontations with myself and my partners within moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself that by doing so I allowed the negative events that played out between me and my partners as moments of friction and misunderstanding to become destructive instead of supportive moments in time that can assist me and thus my partners to look and actually see at the actuality of who we are within this relationship we walk as our misaligned behaviour towards each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus more on my partner than on myself within seeing and realizing that the multiple moments of friction that presented themselves over the past seven years between me and my partner where not isolated events but the tips of icebergs, the dots I can connect and use too visualize the pattern of self sabotage and destruction I use to prevent a partner from ever asking me to be a permanent part in his or her life by sabotaging that moment beforehand out of fear of really committing myself within and as all of me to a standing within and as a relationship as myself as how I want to live a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner really sees me and understands the nitty gritty of me seeing realizing that this is impossible if I don’t see the nitty gritty myself first and that by doing so and from this point I created multiple moments and situations of friction and conflict within relationships and within that I see realize and understand that not I nor my partner can make a fundamental decision like becoming a permanent part in someones life if that point of permanency is not made against the backdrop of who I am in relation to the person I walk a relationship with as the total sum of his or her parts taken into consideration and embraced by me as an absolute standing as how I want to live my permanent part one and equal within and as a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while seeing my partner observing, scrutinizing and walking with me for more than seven years, assume that she was able to see what she was getting into within asking me to become a more permanent part in her life and within that assume that she new better than me as to how this permanent presence should be developed practically in daily life and within that I forgive myself for not doing my part of investigating for real what was coming up within me when that question was asked and within that what it was I had to prepare for practically as the points that came up when my partner asked me to become a permanent part in her life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I can never take an invitation of becoming a permanent point in someones life seriously because I failed to realize and put into action as my behaviour, as my answer, my actions that question for ‘real’ as the reality of us standing as partners embraced, where everything of us is taken into consideration including our collective bags of shit and within that I forgive myself for judging and placing my partner within the construction of being a person who is a hopeless romantic or doesn’t see and take the whole reality of us into consideration, seeing realizing it’s me who is being the hopeless romantic by believing that our relationship within a more permanent context will work itself out automatically without me having to change myself within and as this hopeless romantic for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define our intimacy as sex as not satisfying, seeing realizing that I am the one that has to change that what is not satisfying into a point of mutual support within a relationship by being a constructive and supportive part(ner) within this point and within that I see realize that I didn’t give this point the attention it needed and within that I forgive myself for making it a point of friction and conflict and within that allowing myself to become agitated instead of living and communicating in clarity how I experience and want to express myself as parts of our relationship within and as the point of ‘self-intimacy’ and sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as an enormous asshole and my partner as a hysterical bitch seeing us participating within moments of conflict and friction where we allowed ourselves to fall and behave within and as our lowest points realizing that nothing practically constructive can come from moving away instead of moving towards each other, seeing who we are as the participants as the sum of our parts as what we have walked in the past as partners all ready and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that I can take myself and my partner within and as our relationship as the point of reference seriously within and as what we walked as experiences as solutions in the past an apply them as solutions in moments of friction and conflict we are facing within our reality here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take myself into consideration completely within the point of what I was actually physically able to bring to the table within and as my actions as part of the relationship and within that I forgive myself for pushing myself too hard thus creating real physical trouble that is not supporting me to stand within and as stability as a partner as the relationship with my partner I want to live for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within possessions that accumulated into my standing imploding and crumbling down at my partners place in the presence of her children and within that I forgive myself for creating a severe situation and a breaking point within our relationship for all involved instead of using this moment as a moment of opportunity to see and open up these points within me thus enabling myself and my partner to walk through them constructively and thus allow our relationship to become the next process, seeing realizing that that moment was actually finally here for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe events that played out had to unfold like this and within that try to convince myself to be at peace with it, seeing realizing that there are still moments when I feel anger and frustration come up related to my own stupidity and lack of humbleness seeing and realizing that self honest writing, reflection and sharing with my partner can reveal what I have to walk here without too much negative outflow within and as my relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to let it all go and make a stand and only focus on myself within this, seeing realizing that what I’m facing is but a reflection of myself within and as my partner as the relationship and thus the relationship is the point of focus and letting go the ultimate betrayal of myself within and as my standing as a partner as a constructive part of a relationship in whatever moment of development as the relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the only way for my partner to be able to see me as the total sum of my parts should be her experience of having to walk this reality without me in it as a self employed individual, dealing with and facing the challenges that I had to face as well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone that is used to money being always there and within and from that point allowed myself to assume that my partner is not being able to stand in my shoes within the opposite point because she’s not working the same job or going through the same experience and within that I forgive myself for not trying to be more communicative within the point of clarifying who I am and how I want to direct my life as the total sum of my parts that have to be integrated into our relationship after my partner asked me to be a more permanent part in her life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel judged, judge myself and/or make assumptions about my partner’s judgements, opinions and standpoints in relation too me being (un)successful or for not having money without investigating this into the nitty gritty in order to enable myself to get to a firm standing to who I am and want to be for real within this as the reality of me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take into consideration the totality of me and my partner within and as the relationship we walked up to this point in time, within this seeing and realizing we come from two different realities and life experiences within and as our relationship as the multi dimensionality and effort it took to move past our differences and towards each other not seeing and realizing that within that we are simply meeting with and have to deal with the manifested consequences of that process and within that I forgive myself for not being aware of the fact we where also ending a seven year cycle within that, seeing realizing that these cycles can present a real moment of chance and that these opportunities mostly present themselves as resistance and within that I forgive myself for not seeing this moment of opportunity for the real chance it was to bring myself and the relationship to the next level, within that seeing and realizing the self commitment it takes to give this point the proper place within and as my actions and reactions within relationships, friendships and social life in the cycle to come

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way of solving this dilemma I’m facing where making more hours thus more money thus creating less time with my partner will create friction and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to enter the polarity within this where I assume that working less hours will result in less money thus less movement and that doing so will also create friction with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not looking at the balance point within this equation from where I can work on a solution instead of sabotaging my process beforehand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the situation of a female colleague who happens to be self employed and sees my situation as impossible in relation to my partner understanding the dynamics of self employment and the workload that comes with it because of not going through these experiences herself and thus this person believes my partner is not capable of accepting me within and as these dynamics and really stand within her decision of wanting me to be a permanent point in her life and within that I forgive myself for changing my stand within and as my self agreement in relation to my partner thinking it would be better for her to give me up and find someone else that fits her relationship demands better and within that seeing and realizing I have no clarity at all regarding what it really is my partners stands as within and as our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the cause and reasons for interventions that had to take place within our relationship and within that allowed myself to judge myself as always being the the one that triggered my partners personal demons not seeing realizing that we as partners are mirrors for self reflection first and within that I forgive myself for pitying myself seeing myself loosing my way and behave emotionally immature and unable to control my possessions within and as specific dynamics within our relationship and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and become the suppressed emotional state of feeling overlooked within and as a partner in a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in this moment allow myself to become happy and upbeat after a positive feeling connected to an image of a situation where I see me and my partner being able to communicate came up, where I saw everything between me and my partner work out in the future based on experiencing myself here getting to clarity in relation to why my relationships always end up in the same spot and within that see and realize that I’m actually capable of giving myself clarity in relation to why and how I sabotage myself within relationships and within that I forgive myself for thinking this will have a direct effect on who I am within and as my behavior in the future and that it’s going to work out between me and my partner, within that not seeing realizing that within the definition of working out is the word ‘work’ and before anything is done the whole process and all relevant points have to be walked and worked ‘out’ before the potential of a new process will reveal itself as the reality of our relationship and within that I forgive myself to make projections in my mind regarding our future based on nothing more than a happy positive feeling of self enjoyment that came up within me as I was writing and speaking out my self forgiveness here.

So how do I want to live the word friendship? What does that word even mean to me?

Redefining friendship

An unsinkable ship constructed by two people who decided to face themselves as their own creation by going on a quest together in order to move towards each other. A journey so tough and full of hard challenges that it can only be done by two people in absolute trust together, realizing that they have committed themselves to a death defying journey no matter what! A journey into the depths of who we are on a ship that has no room for privacy, secrecy or exclusivity! A journey that will challenge everything we think we are through seeing ourselves as our behaviour as boats mates going through the same experience. A journey that will drive us apart and reveal what we have to learn to move towards each other. Where we learn how to assist each other practically while dealing with extreme conditions on the ocean called life. A journey that will reveal every hidden limitation we have placed upon ourselves. A journey that will require us to do things we have never done before. A journey where we will face the unknown. A journey where we will have to give more than our best as we will face our biggest fears and challenges as the rough sees we will have to master. A journey where both realize and act in accordance with the fact that the journey was never meant to be a pleasure cruise but an expedition into unknown territory and one of the roughest places here on earth. A fact finding mission into the deepest darkest and most secretive regions of who we are. A confronting and seemingly never-ending process of dealing with new and unforeseen challenges. And through all that the goal remains the same! Stay on your feet, stay on deck and keep sailing no matter what. There will be storms, white outs, black outs, leaks in the hull, broken masts, torn sails, damaged equipment, schizophrenia, panic attacks, wild animals, strange currents, seeing things that are not here, fatigue, no wind, navigational challenges, hunger, thirst, friction, disagreement, pain, madness, dehydration and injuries. We will make mistakes. We might even have to sacrifice ourselves to save a partner going overboard and we will be so far from land that no help will be able to reach us. We will be alone together in this indefinitely and we will again and again have to find it in ourselves to continue without interruption. And all of this will be for sake of creating this experience as this journey as the real life documentary of two people learning to expedite the process of becoming one directive principle together on this relationship as we sail forward dealing with everything reality is able to throw in front of our bow. Real understanding is an action! This is our friend-ship on witch we do our internship to experience and redefine what friendship really means in word and deed.

And within all of this I see realize and understand that it all starts with becoming my own BFF!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as a partner have the responsibility to assist my partner when she confronts me with emotional and energetic behaviour instead of allowing myself to become reactive and energized as well, seeing realizing that me re-acting emotionally to these points and/or patterns that reveal themselves within and as our relationship are points that thus have to exist within me as well and thus represent potential for conflict if I don’t stop myself participating and within that I realize that if we both find ourselves reacting emotionally to a situation of friction/conflict, we have no clarity or (under)standing of what is actually opening up and playing out in real time and within that I see and realize that this is how we create break ups instead of a bond and thus this moment has become a moment of STOPPING and a collective and permanent point of attention within our relationship as self responsibility for our behaviour and our self corrective application, also seeing/realizing that what we allow as partners within the dynamics of our relationships is an outflow of who we are as our emotional reactions as our negative patterns that have not yet been corrected by us into practical and liveable behaviour within and as the reality of who we are within the reality of our relationship and within that I forgive myself for not stopping myself and correcting myself within and as my energetic/emotional reactions when confronted with my partner in moments of conflict, seeing realizing that we as partners in a relationship have to get rid of our energetic states and to a point of stability and clarity first before a situation, point of friction and/or conflict can be opened up and addressed in an emotional mature and constructive manner in order to prevent these moments from turning into a state of emotional chaos and a break up where I allow myself to end the relationship because of my self created emotional state of hopelessness, where I give up in total regret as an unconscious reaction related to former relationship experiences I was unable to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner speaking the words: “Mike you have no backbone” to moments in my life where people where judging me in relation to not being able to stand in situations of stress and conflict seeing realizing that these judgements are projections of other persons based on what they see, think and feel and within that I realize that they cannot see the totality of me because these judgements are not who I am and within that I forgive myself for judging people the same way by not basing my judgments on people and situations on the always underlying question ‘why’?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regularly push my body too far as in over the edge in relation to overcoming physical resistance in life, work and sports in the past as an addiction to personal success and rewards as a drug in order to proof to myself I can do it, not seeing realizing that I’m actually doing the opposite by allowing myself to behave self destructive just to feel alive and by doing so compensate for feeling like a depressed zombie in daily life and within that compromise my own support as my physical stability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pain in my spine to my ex partner to being physically abused in the past not aware of the extreme rage I still suppress inside towards the persons who bullied me in the past and within that judge and place my partner as a bully as one of those people I would kill if I allowed the real raw experience of myself within being bullied in the past to take control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in this relationship with the mercenary I created and hid within myself in order to be able to eventually take revenge on bullies in the most brutal way possible and within that justify that by thinking - if this is what you give than this is what you shall receive - and within that I see and realize that my partner would eventually be confronted with the outflow of my past as how I would start to express myself in our relationship within and as the high school shoot outs and other mass killings as the consequence of children who are bullied and no longer able to control their rage and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and underestimating the scope and potential disaster my suppressed emotions and feelings related to being bullied really represented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate (as the ultimate understatement) the real raw experience of myself being bullied in the past and within that the profound impact these events had on all aspects of my life and who I have become as the totality of me as the way I behaved in relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical discomfort related to instability of my spine to how I behaved in the past in situations of conflict to being attacked from behind to my partner to a pre programmed concept of trust as in: ‘someone I trusted with my life’ and ‘the ultimate betrayal of my trust’ and so forth, seeing realizing that those are concepts of trust in my mind and cannot be trusted and within that I see realize and understand that real trust can only develop from self trust based on self honesty and the real physical experience of myself here and that my betrayal of trust starts with participating and reacting to feelings and emotions within, seeing realizing that this is the moment I start separating myself by co creating a situation of conflict where I give up and turn my back on my partner witch resulted in getting hammer fisted from behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical discomfort and pain related to my spine to the absurd concept of ’you don’t shoot someone in the back’ seeing realizing that the mind is always at war and in war everything is allowed as long as I win and within that I see that ‘being shot in the back by someone I trusted with my life’ is but a dramatized re[act]ion I created to start a war with my partner and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that ‘if she does this once it will happen twice’ and within that I see myself accepting and allowing myself to fear the future if my partner is in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of experiences where I was helpless and being attacked by bullies to me and my partner in moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to in moments of conflict with my partner fall back on preprogrammed and thus automated reactions where I try to escape the experience of myself within by allowing myself to react as a flee or fight response within and as the comfort zone I created where I don’t have to confront myself with and open up this point as the opportunity it presents to change my behaviour within and as the process of walking and diffusing/disconnecting this point with my partner in order to prevent myself from recreating these moments again and again as my automated responses related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as a coward and not allow myself to forgive my partner for attacking me in the past because I connect being attacked from behind to my morality construct of ‘a coward’ to permanent physical damage to what I believe to be ‘an unforgivable act’ and within that hold myself prisoner by not changing my relationship to my past because I believe ‘it’s unforgivable’ and within that hold my partner responsible for the discomfort and pain related to my spine instead of taking self responsibility for what is here as the manifested consequence as the two of us as our relationship for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become half of the problem within creating moments of conflict with my partner because I was not able to change my automated behaviour related to how I deal with moments of conflict within relationships and thus allowed myself to become the creator of these moments again and again as my automated responses related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself and hide myself behind anger and rage instead of stopping myself in moments of conflict with my partner and share the real experience of myself within that moment with my partner related to me being bullied/abused in the past and within that allow myself to become a bully/abuser myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress instead of confront myself and investigate the raw experience of myself as my energies and reactions coming up within me in moments of conflict with my partner, seeing realizing that the way I react is automated and specifically related to how I programmed myself to deal with conflict in the past and within that seeing realizing that I do whatever it takes to avoid the raw experience of myself here as my flee or fight response and panic in moments of conflict in intimate relationships and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to connect moments of conflict to being bullied as a child and within that allow myself to hide the true experience of myself behind a reaction of anger and rage like a scared dog that is attacked by the pack instead of stopping myself and allow myself to open this point up in self honesty with my partner seeing realizing that this is a pattern, a coping mechanism I have used all my life because I was unable to cope with this experience of myself and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to ‘this way’ as the ‘only way’ seeing realizing that there are ‘other ways’ that I never managed to apply because they where not part of what I practically walked and learnt to apply in this life within and as real physical experience thus compromising myself every time I find myself falling back on this coping mechanism and allow myself to become and behave like a bully/abuser myself

When see myself falling back on this coping mechanism in moments of conflict I stop and breath because I realize that I’m overreacting and dropping ship not allowing myself to see these moments as an opportunity to really change how I behave in situations of conflict in the same way I have taken on so many other points in my life, seeing realizing that this point is no different but simply one of the bigger more complex projects I am facing in my life and within that I realize this will take time and patience like the other processes I walked in my life, not only for me but with my partner as well and within that I realize I have to make sure to construct ways to make this work for me and my partner and within that I commit myself to become aware of reactions within myself within relationships related to fear of conflict and to stop myself and not accept or allow myself to fall back on these coping mechanism that eventually alienate people I have an intimate relationship with, simply because I refuse to trust myself and push myself to the best of my abilities to control my reactions and activate my potential to change myself here in real time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse intimacy between me and my partner with privacy and within doing that allowed myself to not address and open up potential points I see exist within me that cause friction and conflict between me and my partner and within that I forgive myself for not giving my partner the best possible starting point to assist me but instead allowed myself to make my partner the projection screen and lightning conductor for my anger and rage related to unresolved issues within myself related to being bullied as a child within and as the mechanism I use to alienate people that come to close for ‘comfort’ seeing realizing that this is not me being comfortable here in the physical but the war zone within and as part of my mind I accepted and allowed to become my comfort zone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use my relationships as the relatively safe space to explore my inner conflict related to being bullied in the past as this war zone I believe to be my comfort zone and do what I can to enable myself to take this point on with my partner constructively in small steps and thus train myself to practically change the way I approach myself in these moments of friction and conflict instead of turning them into possessions and moments of total chaos and destruction because I allow myself to re-act instead of act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this point of friction and conflict related to being bullied in the past is to vast and painful to take on seeing myself screwing myself and my partners with this point in every relationship in the past and then use this fact as an excuse to convince myself I’m not able to become a permanent part within a relationship seeing realizing that within this point I seldom dared to do things differently and really change the relationship with myself thus with others and within doing so didn’t allow myself to disconnect myself from this reactive pattern of fear and anger I use to sabotage self-change in situations of conflict with my partner by bailing out and turning my back on her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the discomfort and pain related to my spine to the rest of my body to self expression and voicing myself in and around relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the perspectives given to me by medical specialists into consideration as opportunities to become more aware of how I have abused and abuse my body as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the effects of sports and training as the way to stabilize myself when my mind starts fucking with me and within that use that as an excuse to not confront myself and change myself if I’m not able to do physical work or exercise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being self employed and having no insurance because it’s way to expensive is a catch 22 and within my inner dialogue use this point as an argument to avoid looking for other ways or options I have to walk myself out of this self created prison of hopelessness, fear and doubt related to conflict and friction in relationships seeing realizing that it starts with seeing and addressing the friction and conflict within the relationship I have with myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my fear of getting sick or not able to perform to being self employed and money and within doing so convince myself I cannot change, seeing realizing that this is my reaction as inferiority as my fear to take self responsibility connected to fear of authority where I sabotage myself by convincing myself I don’t have the authority to lead myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not having a financial safety net to fear of getting sick to fear of loosing control to fear of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand I have constructed a coping mechanism as total suppression as compensation I express as anger and rage because I was unable to understand or make sense of the situations and myself going through the experience of being bullied in high school and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing becoming aware of the severe consequences this had on the way I handled myself and behaved in relationships as I developed into adulthood and the effects this had on intimate relationships I developed and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this is me, this is who I am and that relationships are simply a question of finding another person that ‘matches’ instead of asking myself in self honesty if this is who I want to be and if this is the person I want to walk with? Seeing realizing that this question requires self honesty and within that I now see realize and understand what self honesty entails within and as the foundation of self intimacy thus intimacy with other people in relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of despair, depression and hopelessness when I cant time out in times of stress because I have to get shit done and within that allow myself to fall back on this character I call ‘Stuntman Mike’ where I will use anger and frustration to produce adrenaline and use that as a suppressor to push through whatever physical discomfort or resistance related to the stress I allow myself to experience instead of allowing myself to breath and slow myself down as me here in order to stabilize myself so I don’t put more stress on my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my lower back pain to my struggle with work and money because I allow myself to connect stability to money to my lower back and within that allow myself to define work and money as stability thus making money the fundamental point in my life not seeing realizing that my relationship with money is based in fear and thus doomed to fail from the start

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the point of self-honesty religiously in my life out of fear of change, seeing realizing that self-honesty is the key to revealing al my fears I allow to keep me enslaved in this version of myself and within that I see realize and understand that to free myself and change myself for real is to release myself from the relationships I allow myself to have with these fears and within that I see realize and understand that this can only be done if the actions I take are based in self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disconnect self honesty within and as my actions and behaviour from relationships and regret thus making my starting point within relationships a point of regret thus a reference point of self limitation in the past and within that I see myself not taking responsibility for myself in the present and thus the way the relationship will develop in the future and within that I now see how I have been creating the repetitive patterns and events that prevented me and my partner to move towards each other

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my relationships for granted and within that allowed myself to ‘hang back’ and by doing so refused to give myself clarity through writing and self forgiveness out of fear for change thus not allowing myself to reveal to myself the similarities and overlap me and my partner share regarding our past and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort to come to a clear understanding and standing within myself regarding myself as the real physical reality and challenges I am facing within and as the total sum that is the relationship I have with my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a spoiled child within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live as a character as a compromise a long the lines of: “well he’s nuts but aren’t all artists a bit nuts…” in order to be accepted by the system not seeing realizing that this character was created by me thus a part of me but not me thus self limitation as a construct I used to prevent myself from ever becoming more than I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my parents and hide myself behind characters I played believing that my parents didn’t understood me regarding these apparent contradictions within me and within that placed them as a thread and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that they where also abused within this point as children through the smokescreens that where used by so called figures of authority to prevent them from seeing more thus able to ask questions based on what was really playing out regarding themselves and within that I forgive myself for using my parents confusion to manipulate them within and as the consistent schizophrenic behaviour I used to create confusion to get things my way always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself as Generation X and and identifying myself with and use the personality components within the dictionary definition of Generation X to project an image people in the system could more or less relate to instead of becoming completely repulsive towards me so I would have relationships of sorts with those people as hiding places for myself in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become directionless, disaffected, disliked and dissatisfied with people of authority and or systems of control and by identifying myself with these points alienated myself from other people as the character I embraced as ‘the angry artist’ a.k.a. stuntman Mike

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept multiple versions of myself by listening to and obeying the voices in my head and within that I forgive myself for never questioning myself in relation to these voices in my head as to ‘who’ they were and where they came from thus giving my power of self control away and let the voices in my head as the mind determine who I am and how to deal with my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take others people judgements and the labels they put on me serious without investigating for myself why people do this and what I resonated so people where triggered to do this and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with these judgements as who I am and if they where true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to instead of investigate points of authority in this world in relation to how I want to define and live authority based on self honesty in my life and within that use my ability to change to establish a new relationship with authority starting with my own authority as the author of my life instead of giving into insecurity as fear related to moments in my early youth related to seeing disturbing things in this world and not getting any real perspective from people I considered figures of authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body as this character because I was not able to make sense of the world around me in high school thus creating a coping mechanism instead of a solution as a safe place and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without BMX or other extreme physical activities I’m not able to stabilize my mind and cannot survive and within that I forgive myself for becoming an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceal my psychological difficulties by creating excuses as counterweights and distractions as procrastination and doubt, seeing realizing that this is self limitation and no self support whatsoever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget and not keep in mind that we are all sentenced to jail within this system as the mind, seeing realizing that if I allow myself to stay in place I will repeat myself as this placement over and over again as this preprogrammed point in existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that doing DIP lite to what I perceived as a minimum standard was not longer doable for me at the time and within that I realize that 2.7 years of not actively developing my self writing and self forgiveness skills has consequences in relation to the effectiveness of walking my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I couldn't physically merge the time I used for DIP Lite and my process into my life at the time and within that I realize that I didn’t ask for assistance within making that decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for assistance when I struggled to get my professional and private life in order.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I had too many balls in the air to juggle at the time I made the decision to stop my DIP Lite and within that I forgive myself that I simply stopped to see where changing things would lead me realizing that stopping may be a choice but it’s also not seeing things through or looking for alternative solutions first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not incorporate all the relevant aspects of my life within this decision thinking that one aspect might be more important that another including the DIP Lite and my relationship agreement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the only way for my partner to really see me as who I am within the point of change is becoming successful professionally and within that I realize that the way I act within all aspects of my life is what’s really relevant for a partner to see in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the past ten years of my life as a rollercoaster and being to old to be really flexible realizing that by judging it that way I can only see it that way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed realizing that my depressions are nothing more than the accumulation of feelings and emotions I haven’t dealt with In a constructive matter with the tools I knew where available to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by panic realizing that panic is also a system I created and have accepted and allowed to take over instead of breathing, bringing myself here and keeping myself stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push hard in one direction not realizing that by shifting my attention to specific points in my life created an unbalance that had severe consequences for the other points that also needed active participation and direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fuzzy and unclear by not directing myself more intensely creating a chain of events that lead to a very unwanted, complex and uncertain situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall back on old habits and behavior knowing that I would be creating some timeloops that would have to be addressed in the future as more difficult and multi layered constructs and within that I realize that on the total scale of things this eventually means even more work thus time spend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a smoker again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sit with myself in relation to the way I deal with stress and look for constructive ways in witch I can support myself to deal with this point more effectively within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for support when I was actually realizing this was the case thinking that this is something I have to do alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think that asking for support is me failing to do something by myself and thus judging myself as incompetent and dependent in a way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with financial survival and becoming successful professionally realizing that one cannot really change and develop oneself if it’s not done based on effective self-writing, self reflection and self forgiveness based on al relevant points that have a relation to this specific point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate, share and voice myself effectively towards my partner in relation to the points and challenges I was facing and the way I saw myself handling these challenges out of fear of being judged as incompetent or a failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of not making myself and my relationship with ‘my lifepath’ the most important subject for reflection and self commitment before setting out to change fundamental aspects of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon my daily routine of doing my DIP Lite not realizing the importance it had as a beacon and stability point for me and within that I realize that I have to get back to at least a weekly routine of reflection and self writing when it comes to the hidden patterns and layers that are still determining who I am and how I interact with this world and the consequences I thereby create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the only one that can give me clarity is me and within that I realize that if I can’t give myself clarity there is no clarity and with no clarity everything eventually becomes fuzzy and when things get fuzzy they tend to go haywire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that assistance was available and that it’s extremely hard to walk these points alone thus that I cannot do this alone and within that I forgive myself for being to proud and stubborn to ask for assistance and support being afraid of being turned down or to hear something I didn’t want to hear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being weak and leaning on someone else’s crutches instead of just asking for help and see what the answers would bring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the point of not being able to speak English very well and thus not being able to express myself fully realising and seeing that within that I am excusing myself instead of doing what I have to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically as I was reading my self forgiveness statements out loud yesterday realising that reacting to the energy is allowing myself to drift of from what I'm doing which is forgiving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in facing this point of opening up communication with my former agreement partner realising that what I'm fearing is my own fear and that this is all taking place in my head thus not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw myself sitting within and as a projection towards the future with x to connect that image to myself not being able to speak seeing realising that this is me looking for excuses to not voice myself honestly and for real with my partner in order to get to the nitty gritty of myself within the events that took place leading to the situation we find ourselves in at this moment and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as the lesser party when it comes to using words and within that judge my own vocabulary as lesser and that of my partner as superior seeing that within doing that I'm creating conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question myself within the point of wanting to get communication going again with my partner by asking myself "Why do I even want to go there?" "Why torture myself?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my partner probably doesn't want to see me in the first place? and within that allow my ego to jump in and ask myself if I want't to see her? Starting internal conversation instead of real communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within missing the physical Intimacy with my former agreement partner and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the physical intimacy we shared with possible conflict between us by allowing myself to connect fear for the future to backchat related to me sharing myself intimately with my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and and justify and find reasons to avoid a confrontation with my former agreement partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this polarity within me to exist between I want to see her and I don't and I miss her and I don't seeing realising that by allowing myself to exist in that polarity no action is taken towards establishing a real talk and solution that is best for both of us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and to suppress my anger related to being physically attacked without seeing it coming and within that I forgive myself for my Inability to step over that moment and the emotions connected to it in order to give myself a change to pick up where I left of and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain a prisoner of my own emotions and feelings related to the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become shrunk and paranoid and overwhelmed by energy after I was attacked and within that accepted and allowed myself to store these emotions in my body and not immediately seek assistance for releasing these emotions realising that that made me a loaded spring and every time words or gestures or voice tonality would trigger these emotions my body would be in pain and within that I forgive myself for not assisting myself more effectively through writing and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that when I become possessed by energy and find myself in an energy storm its better to sit out the storm without others present in order to protect myself and others for unnecessary damage caused by uncontrollable behaviour within and as myself as these energy possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in non constructive debate and discussion and within that not focussing on what I could do to bring the situation to a point that would support the both of us in the best possible way seeing realising that I accepted and allowed myself to undermine self honest communication by allowing this sea of emotions related to being attacked in the back to exist within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not diffuse myself thus creating a time bomb within and as me seeing realizing that sooner or later that bomb will explode and that there will be damage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a confrontation with my former agreement partner and within that to fear the picture of myself within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my shame connected to the events, my behaviour, the words I spoke in rage and within that I forgive myself for the fear I installed within me and others related to the abuse that took place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel little bursts of anger connected to the images related to the events that took place leading up to our brake up and within that I forgive myself to fear looking at and bringing events here and going through that whole thing again seeing realising that that's the only way to address myself within my participation and the responsibility I have for forgiving myself and others within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards starting to forgive myself in relation to the events that lead to the brake up of our agreement and within that I forgive myself to judge my behaviour as unforgivable realising that by doing so I'm creating an excuse for not having to forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I wouldn't now where to start in order to get communication between me and my partner going again seeing realising that that is simply me trying to procrastinate the actions required to walk these points and to diffuse whatever has to be diffused between me and my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical reactions towards my agreement partner within seeing myself together with her having a real talk in real time together and within that I forgive myself to fear facing the physical reality of myself within my relationship patterns regarding my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel claustrophobic within my relationship seeing realizing I was struggling to express myself with words and within those moments allowed myself to believe that I was not able to communicate clearly and within that allowed myself to feel inferior and claustrophobic instead of simply pushing myself knowing that walking this relationship is supporting myself to change my behaviour and build my vocabulary and within that I see and realize that this is a process that takes time and within that process mistakes will be made and within that I forgive myself to fear making mistakes seeing realizing that how we learn is by making mistakes until we get it right and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my partner because she has more vocabulary than me seeing realizing that I’m able to express myself with less words while I’m building my own vocabulary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to see what common sense is by judging common sense as some form of higher intelligence that I do not possess and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to place my definition of common sense as a higher form of intelligence and thus myself as a lower intelligence and within that I forgive myself for judging myself inferior to people with common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to my definition of intelligence as a rich vocabulary instead of finding out for myself what it is I have to say and say it in my own words and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort of redefining the word ‘intelligence’ in relation to having a ‘rich vocabulary’ in order to create a clear starting point for how I want to write and express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the implications and consequences of walking my life with someone else in a relationship from the starting point of an agreement seeing realizing that this relationship is not going to be comparable to former relationships thus is going to be a confrontation with myself that will show me how I have behaved in relationships before and within that I forgive myself for not doing my utmost to make this relationship the safe space we both need to be able to see how we ended up in these versions of ourselves within relationships and from there enable ourselves to redefine the present relationship by changing how we act within it and towards each other as our physical behaviour and within that I forgive myself for taking failure and making mistakes in relationships personal instead of the obvious consequences of my choice to be in this relationship thus as the unknown challenges I chooses to face and redirect and the within that I forgive myself for not taking full responsibility for the immature behaviour I displayed towards my partner as my incompetence to resolve moments of friction and conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the true experience of myself when my partner told me about experimenting with other men after our previous agreement fell and within that I forgive myself for believing everyone is replaceable thus I am replaceable and within that I forgive myself for feeling and behaving inferior not seeing realizing that this agreement is with myself in the first place and that me standing with myself is where I have to be and within that I forgive myself for comparing myself to these men I don’t even know and within that not investigate and focus on the role I played in creating this situation where my partner decides to date other men

I forgive myself for mindfucking myself into thinking that placing myself in a superior position in relation to other men might somehow compensate how I feel about myself not seeing realizing I’m creating feelings and emotions instead of solutions for myself in relation to my agreement and the person I want to be in agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite my agreement partner inside my head because I allowed to suppress anger and frustration that came up when she told me she slept with other men soon after our agreement fell for the first time and within that I forgive myself for judging her actions as severely pathetic and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not writing myself out at that point and forgive myself and share the true experience of myself with my partner in relation to her dating other men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak out and share my feelings and emotions in relation to these other men the moment my partner came back into my life to redefine the agreement and within that I forgive myself for not cleaning my part of the slate completely in relation to my partners behavior in relation to other men and how I want to live an agreement in relation to other women

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that by not cleaning the slate completely when we decided to restart our agreement I created the seed for conflict regarding my unresolved emotional relationships and my inner conflict related to my partner and other men, her ex husband and her expression of superiority towards men in general

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my partners expression, behaviour and opinions of superiority towards mens with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my backchat place myself as expandable after my partner told me she slept with other men and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner as a ‘brainwashed consumer’ who when not satisfied, simply buys a different product because one can and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner for not having the self commitment to stick to our relationship seeing realizing that judging her as a ‘brainwashed consumer’ with no self commitment is me reacting jealously and within that I forgive myself for judging myself/placing myself as a disposable product and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a disposable product that can be easily replaced like those other men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act cool and collected towards my partner after she told me she slept with other men and within that suppress the true experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept authority from my agreement partner without asking myself and defining for myself what my point of authority and responsibility was within our agreement and within that I forgive myself for not trying to script my own agreement into the necessary specificity in relation to my own authority and my responsibilities towards my agreement and my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to naively think being in an agreement would be more comfortable and adventurous than being alone and within that not question the true motivations of myself into the nitty gritty in order to prepare myself in the best way possible before entering this relationship/agreement seeing realizing that my definitions of comfort and adventure at the time where projections and had nothing to do with our reality and my real my experience of practically walking this relationship/agreement with my partner based on self honesty and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in relation to my agreement partner within the point of her walking with Desteni from the beginning and thus assuming she had a head start and within that allowed myself to assume I had to catch up seeing realizing that I allowed myself to feel ‘behind’ and thus introduce a point of stress as ‘having to catch up’ as competition thus polarity as a win/loose equation instead of just focussing on my own process and what I was physically able to do at that point without making projections into the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process is comparable to that of other peoples seeing realizing that every person stands as a specific point and is thus walking specific points and within that I forgive myself for believing there is a predefined way or uniform timeline for everyone to get things done within process instead of seeing realizing that effectiveness within and as my physical action within my personal process is the only way to speed up process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my partner said she didn't want to introduce me to her friends as that would cause a stir in her environment and within that assume 'there was something she wanted to hide or was not telling me' and within that allowed myself to feel inferior and believe she had a second agenda and within that I forgive myself for creating my own agenda as a reaction instead of opening up this point and communicate it with my partner in order to create clarity for myself and each other within and as our agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was able to deal with being physically attacked by my partner not seeing realizing that me being physically attacked is connected to past events and experiences within myself related to being bullied and feeling totally helpless and abandoned and within that I forgive myself for suppressing and hiding the true experience of myself behind my automated reaction of anger and rage as the coping mechanism I use to deal with being bullied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hearing my partner speak with a tonality of authority to being attacked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could deal with being physically attacked because I’m strong and able to deal with physical pain not seeing realizing that the way I deal with physical pain is in no way self honest and thus not supporting me to come to terms with myself regarding the unresolved trauma that is still residing within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to developed a pattern where I compensate my inner experience of insecurity by acting cool and collected within and as bravura the same way I did in high school in order to cope with groups of boys harassing me and within that compensate and project the true experience of myself as projected anger and rage towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act cool and collected when my partner threw an object at me at the same time feeling overwhelmed by fear and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shocked and betrayed by my partner and within that allowed myself to make the decision to leave instead of stabilizing myself and come to a clear understanding as to why my presence is able to trigger those reactions within my partner so my partner is eventually able to use my presence as a mirror for support instead of an additional point of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of stabilizing myself and to diffuse the energy related to the polarity that exists between me and my partner within our relationship as this emotional construct of feeling betrayed and helpless and wanting to leave, within that seeing realizing and understanding that these energies will compound into my body in order to posses me even more when I’m confronted with similar situations in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of energy storms within and as my mind possession raging within me seeing realizing I have the tools to deal with them and that when I find myself possessed I can bring myself here by breathing, writing and speaking out my self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on my partner and my agreement realizing that that is also giving up on myself within and as the process of accepting myself as all I am and all I can do to redefine what it means to destroy myself as the patterns of self abuse I have accepted and allowed to become and within that have to first realize what it entails to be in this process of deconstructing myself by going through these experiences in order reveal to myself and come to an understanding of how I ended up in this version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my agreement feel like a member of the bomb squad and judge my partner as the explosive and within that assume to have a post traumatic stress syndrome connected to my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and suppress how I experienced myself within conflict with my partner in relation to bullying incidents in high school where I didn't want to loose and within that I forgive myself for choosing to fight or flee instead of stopping my participation within and as conflict thus enable myself to stop the chain of events created between me and my partner and prevent them from escalating into full blown possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my partner as an opponent in combat that had to be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that underlying the problems of stability I faced within my relationship are my ’trust issues' and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my partner was dealing with the same issues and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that getting an outsiders perspective within and as asking for assistance was available to us and would have given us the opportunity to move more effectively and probably would prevented these extreme situations from manifesting and escalating the way they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I become intimidated with my partner instead of focussing on keeping myself stable in her presence realizing that this agreement was in fact an abnormal situation from the get go and as such the norm or normal rules did not apply to a certain extend and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing I was interpreting and shifting the reality of my relationship between multiple definitions and experiences I had regarding relationships and within that I forgive myself for creating a lot of friction and conflict within myself instead of using this relationship as the opportunity to walk with my partner from a redefined and singular starting point in order to allow myself to become fearless within my relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my partner as 'intense' personalities and highly emotional and highly controlled and within that I forgive myself to connect control and conflict to my personal definitions and opinions about my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not diffuse energies related to the polarity between me and my partner through writing, self forgiveness and sex, seeing realizing that by doing so we are creating after effects of conflict that will lead to accumulation of more energy related to our past and within that I forgive myself for thinking I wasn’t able to deal with my partners anger issues that resulted in physical violence and within that I forgive myself for not taking control over myself in these situations through breathing, writing and self forgiveness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask the question, who am I within the word intelligence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word intelligent as positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word dumb as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my (artificial) intelligence as the automaton as the mind to calculate solely to manipulate the world around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can use my intellect as the ability to write myself out in order to reflect upon my words as the expression of who I am within the word intelligent and allow myself to see common sense points within my reality where I misguide and manipulate myself through knowledge and information as intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impressed, humbled, jealous and possessed hearing people speak with 'intelligence' and intelligent 'vocabulary' assuming that because people speak with authority they have authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word intelligent as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word dumb as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the word intelligent within and as the aspect of being successful in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding that projecting the word intelligence as spitefulness towards success meant separating myself from success

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making money and becoming rich and independent to intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see intelligence within others as a threat and within that allowed myself to react energetically within and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb because I accepted and allowed myself to believe intelligence has something to do with being smart or having 'special' abilities, seeing realizing and understanding that within the system passing tests is about giving the right answers and showing desirable behavior not about understanding and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the energetic charge of playing mind games with so called intelligent beings within the elitist point of feeling superior within a group, seeing realizing and understanding that this very act is separating myself from all as an elitist as knowledge and information as intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intelligence as strategic information used in order to win personal wars instead of using common sense within and as intelligence to see, realize and understand what I have to do and when to do it to get things done within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from a standpoint of superiority classify myself as an intelligent and complex person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word intelligent to complexity allowing myself to develop a pattern of always making things unnecessary complex and blurry thus wasting time and not giving myself the opportunity/chance to see and thus act within and as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to classify myself as a complex person because others classified me as complex thus allowing myself to exist within and as the complex person thus allowing myself to judge others as simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe complexity exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live intelligence as gathering information creating a self defined user manual within my mind to deal with existence not seeing, realizing and understanding that existence as a whole is a pre programmed system based on the same knowledge and information available as lived by the ones before me and within that I realize I can never see beyond the veil of reality as what I live as my intelligence within and as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I'm limited in awareness as knowledge and information and thus have to question everything that comes up in my mind as intelligence and test this within the equation of equality in order to make sure my thoughts become aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that intelligence like any other 'program' has no value in itself other than computational power and that it is up to me the user of the computer to determine how to use that 'power'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have valued knowledge and information more than my physical health thus accepting and allowing myself to drain my flesh of the life there is as me as flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within communication use intelligence as knowledge and information to manipulate other beings into a state of confusion by getting under their skin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intellectual masturbation/entertainment producing strings of knowledge and information not realizing that what I'm doing is without any substance or practical application within this physical reality thus a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that intelligent means 'to understand' and that within the context of understanding I never understood who 'I' was within 'who I am' as knowledge and information and within that I see realize and understand that there is nothing original within my expression as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be/become more like other people as knowledge and information not seeing realizing and understanding that 'intelligence' at this points becomes competition as 'manipulation' instead of 'understanding' because if I understand I will see that intelligence means to understand and act within the best interest of all.

I commit myself to use my intellect to expose myself as what I have accepted and allowed to become as intelligence as the mind as my personality and behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction and anxiety within having to choose between having to pay the rent and taking a stand within the principle of not doing unpaid pitches and within that not realize that keeping my reality stable involves money and thus to take a stand when it comes to my work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this inner conflict of ego within the point of winning and loosing and feeling like a looser for doing more than a weeks work for only 500 euro's and within that judging 500 euro's as 'not enough' realizing that it's me who is the one that decides to do this and within that I have to take self responsibility for my decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I'm not able to serve this client I'm working for indirectly directly realizing that within that I'm being dishonest because It's not me who made first contact and it's up to me to take or up the stakes in regards the offer made to me in regards to what is asked of me and do my part as is usual in doing business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand why I failed to ask myself the necessary questions in order to create clarity within myself and my business partner first and instead avoided the financial and business dimensions by focussing on creativity first and to not take the time to get more perspective on the business side of things which created haziness and within that I realize that this is actually self sabotage because I don't allow myself to grow professionally and stand within the whole construct including the business/financial side of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do real world calculations and give myself more perspective within my expectation of this particular pitch witch would be to get at least around 5000 euro's out of it when we would win and communicate this clearly with my business partner in order to have create a clear understanding about my expectation so my business partner has a change to gain more perspective and respond and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate this feeling of disgust within me towards my business partner realizing that it's up to me to determine my rules and limitations from a business perspective and communicate them clearly knowing that this is how the game is played.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that participating in this specific business deal meant someone else is going to claim credit for my work without me having any say in it and within that have to realize that in the worst case A weeks work and a lot of energy is simply 500 euro's in the bank and within that I see realize and understand I allowed myself to expect more than was agreed upon from a business point of view which in this case is the only perspective that counts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust someone that has proven to make money an issue time and time again and within that leave a backdoor open that is creating friction within me from the perspective of fear of not getting enough and fear of being cheated / abused and within that I realize see and understand that it's only me that can abuse myself by creating these backdoors by not being clear about my starting points within doing business and communicating about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape and blame money for it by stating that "none of this would be an issue if money would not be the problem" realizing that money is the problem and the only way to change is to create clarity for myself in relation to money and all dimension of money within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is a better way of spending my time and talent realizing that I'm not in the position to make statements like that as long as I'm not able to spend a day without procrastinating the precious time I have and within that I see my ego fighting for its place in existence instead of me pushing myself to constructively walk out of these patterns of self pity and self diminishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate friction and energy through inner conflict and thus outer conflict with people over money and within that not realize what this is actually doing to me on a physical level and thus to create physical stability is to create a clear understanding of myself within the choices I make and actions I take in relation to my professional relationships and assignments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of taking the time to clarify my standpoints in relation to doubts I have professionally in order to be able to communicate them clearly from a starting point of supporting myself in the best way possible professionally instead of allowing myself to fuck up professionally creating a reality for myself where I want confirmation of not being able to perform to higher standards thus bigger clients thus professional growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's undoable to remain self honest and make my own living this way where I have to play these characters in order to be accepted into a professional environment not seeing realizing that at this point in process that's simply what it is and being emotional about it is pure self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time this week to sit with myself and bring myself to a point where I'm able to see how I exist in reality and how I experience myself within it enabling myself to forgive myself and not make things worse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it's only another game of who screws who in the best way possible realizing that being here and do all I can to do what serves everybody in the best way possible is the first thing I have to look at instead of reacting based on emotions related to an opinion I have about the business and business people in general

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become agitated when I'm confronted with people who use me to get the work of their desk by dropping it on my plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within seeing this pattern it's my response ability to organize my work in a way that rules out the possibility of others dropping their work on my plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within communicating with people that drop their work on my plate to raise my voice instead of focussing on voicing myself in a way that supports me and the people involved to get where we have to go within our shared responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not calm myself down completely before I started communicating with people that drop work on my plate and within that I realize that what I am doing is becoming reactive instead of practical within and as my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reactive when I was communicating with someone that dropped work on my plate in my professional environment

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to become frustrated when people behave in a different way than I expect them to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project certain expectations towards people in my professional environment instead of allowing myself to get a complete picture of the real time situation first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate my reactions wherein I separate people in my professional environment from others and within that allow myself to behave inconsistently in relation to the people within and outside my professional environment
When and as I see myself becoming agitated when I'm confronted with people who use me to get the work of their desk by dropping it on my plate, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I become aware of myself participating within this pattern it's my response-ability to contain my reactions and stabilize myself within these moments. I commit myself to breath and slow myself down so I can become aware and identify what is coming up within myself as reactiveness when I see myself becoming agitated when I'm confronted with people who use me to get work of their desk and to use these moments as practical training for myself to stand, be clear, without reactiveness and be emotional mature in my responses within and as my communication with the people involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear after someone e-mails me to reschedule an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this appointment to work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and react and speak out the word 'fuck' after receiving and e-mail that confronts me with my reality where things not always go as planned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and rationalize my emotional reaction towards this e-mail not realizing that this emotional reaction should be the first point for me to look at because it shows me that I missed a point in my reality and by doing so find myself making projections in my mind into the future allowing myself to loose touch with my physical reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that the best thing to do is to stay professional and simply do what I have to do which is reschedule my appointment in the most hospitable and professional way possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards this e-mail in anger and frustration instead of allowing myself to grow professionally by immediately taking myself by the hand and move on because I realize that any other reaction is a waste of time and energy and pure self sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another person based rescheduling an appointment without knowing anything about the reasons or motivations of that person and within that allow myself to feel judged by that person seeing realizing that I'm making this whole thing up in my mind and in doing so create this alternate reality that is not real and based on my own fears and by doing this create a mental projection towards another person that is going to resonate in my relationship with this person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make projections towards another person seeing realizing that this is pure self sabotage and dishonesty because instead of growing professionally by simply walking the physical reality as actions I have to take, I now allow myself to get lost in the mind as projections of paranoia and finger pointing towards others instead of bringing this back to myself and take self responsibility for my actions and reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abandoned when someone reschedules an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less important when someone reschedules an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself more important than someone else seeing realizing that this is me as the mind always wanting to be top dog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm in control by not lashing out completely not seeing realizing that even the slightest reaction like saying the word 'fuck' is a top of an iceberg that is the pattern of control I have adapted and use as myself professionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by seeing the extend into which I have programmed myself as these automated reactions within and as my definitions of 'professional' and the consequence thereof for me as a professional

When and as I see myself respond too an e-mail where someone wants me to reschedule an appointment and I react within and as fear of loosing control, I stop and breathe. I realize that my emotional reaction towards such e-mails should be the first point for me to look at because I react instead of act thereby missing a flag point as this pattern within and as my reactive behaviour and by doing so allow myself to make irrational projections towards my future instead of slowing myself down and stabilize myself here so I can correct myself as this emotional reaction where I hear myself speak the word 'fuck' as my emotional reaction related to fear of the future related to fear of loosing control related to money. I commit myself to become aware of emotional reactions and resonances related to fear of the future related to fear of loosing control related to money manifesting within me when I'm confronted with and see myself reacting to e-mails/communication where people want to reschedule appointments with me and within that I commit myself to stop and breathe in order to stabilize myself so I can correct these emotional reactions related to fear of the future related to fear of loosing control related to money within and as my response to appointments that require rescheduling and within that I commit myself to not take these requests personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction and anxiety within having to choose between having to pay the rent and taking a stand within the principle of not doing unpaid pitches and within that not realize that keeping my reality stable involves money and thus to take a stand when it comes to my work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this inner conflict of ego within the point of winning and loosing and feeling like a looser doing more than a weeks work for only 500 euro's and within that judging 500 euro's as 'not enough' realizing that it's me who is the one that decides to do this and within that I have to take self responsibility for my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I'm not able to serve this client I'm working for indirectly/directly realizing that within that I'm being dishonest because It's not me who made first contact and it's up to me to take or up the stakes in regards the offer made to me in regards to what is asked of me and do my part as is usual in doing business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand why I failed to ask myself the necessary questions in order to create clarity within myself and a business partner first and instead avoided the financial and business dimensions by focussing on creativity first and to not take the time to get more perspective on the business side of things which created haziness and within that I realize that this is actually self sabotage because I don't allow myself to grow professionally and stand within the whole construct including the business/financial side of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do real world calculations and give myself more perspective within my expectation of this particular pitch witch would be to get at least around 5000 euro's out of it when we would win and communicate this clearly with my business partner in order to create a clear understanding about my own expectation so my business partner has a change to gain more perspective and respond and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate this feeling of disgust within me towards my business partner realizing that it's up to me to determine my rules and limitations from a business perspective and communicate them clearly knowing that this is how the game is played.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a feeling disgust within me to my business partner realizing that it's up to me to determine my rules and limitations from a business perspective and communicate them clearly knowing that this is how the game is played and within that I forgive myself for being disgusted with myself within and as my insecurity to stand within the point of making solid financial agreements with business partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that participating specific business deals means someone else is going to claim credit for my work without me having any say in it and within that I have to realize that in the worst case A weeks work and a lot of energy is simply 500 euro's in the bank and within that I see realize and understand I allowed myself to expect more than was agreed upon from a business point of view which in this case is the only perspective that counts within and as taking self responsibility for my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust someone that has proven to make money an issue time and time again and within that leave a backdoor open that creates friction within me from the perspective of fear of not getting enough and fear of being cheated / abused and within that I realize see and understand that it's only me that can abuse myself by creating these backdoors by not being clear about my starting points within doing business, making financial agreements and the way I communicate about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape and blame money for it by stating that "none of this would be an issue if money would not be the problem" realizing that money is the problem and the only way to change is to create clarity for myself in relation to money and all dimension of money within and as me when it comes to making solid business deals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is a better way of spending my time and talent realizing that I'm not in the position to make statements like that as long as I'm not able to spend a day without procrastinating the precious time I have and within that I see my ego fighting for its place in existence instead of me pushing myself to constructively walk out of these patterns of self pity and self diminishment when I find myself confronted with having to make business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate friction and energy through inner conflict and thus outer conflict with people over money and within that not realize what this is actually doing to me on a physical level and thus to create physical stability is to create a clear understanding of myself within the choices I make and actions I take in relation to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of taking the time to clarify my standpoints in relation to doubts I have professionally with people in order to be able to communicate them clearly from a starting point of supporting myself in the best way possible professionally instead of allowing myself to fuck up professionally creating a reality for myself where I refuse to push myself to perform to higher standards thus bigger clients thus professional growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's undoable to remain self honest and make my own living this way where I have to play these characters in order to be accepted into a professional environment not seeing realizing that at this point in process that's simply what it is and being emotional about it is pure self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time this week to sit with myself and bring myself to a point where I'm able to see how I exist in reality and how I experience myself within it enabling myself to forgive myself and not make things worse in relation to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe business is just another game of who screws who in the best way possible realizing that being here and do all I can to do what serves everybody in the best way possible is the first thing I have to look at instead of reacting based on emotions related to an opinion I have about the business and business people in general connected to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel schizophrenic realizing that is me accepting multiple perspectives to become multiple characters within myself to roam free and express themselves regardless of the consequences in relation to my professional relationships and assignments connected to making business deals and financial agreements

When and as I see myself giving in to trusting a person in relation to money, I stop and breathe. I realize that I struggle a lot with myself within this point seeing myself compromising myself time after time when it came to making financial agreements with people and within that imitate my father using the universal and stupid argument that it's better to have something than nothing and within that I see that I don't have a clear standing as and agreement with myself in regards to the principles I want to apply when doing business and the financial aspects within that and by doing so allow myself to give away control witch is a very important aspect when working out business deals that are actually good and profitable. I commit myself to stop and take my time to investigate relevant dimensions and propositions regarding money when I'm confronted with having to make financial deals instead of giving 'blind trust' too a person in relation to money seeing realizing that by giving 'blind trust' is me actually giving away my power as in my leverage within business deals that can be made and within that I commit myself to come to solid financial agreements with people in the future!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself as a child within a pool of energy towards my birthday in anticipation of getting presents and being the centre of attention and enjoying that feeling not realizing that this attention is part of a ceremony to feed my ego as a drug and that these moments have nothing to do with real attention from the starting point of physical support and real understanding of what support practically entails towards children in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate these energetic experiences in relation to birthdays and holidays as a self destructive pattern of overeating, drinking, smoking just to fit in and belong to the tribe and within that compete with others to be the best, most extreme, radical participant in order to make a name for myself as the absolute lunatic that can't be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as the clown the lunatic an party animal instead of realizing understanding that I used this character and behaviour to hide my total lack of self confidence and self intimacy and within that I forgive myself for being brutal, obnoxious and cruel to people for no other reason than fear of having to face myself myself for who I really am as the opposite of the character I played

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with alcohol and drugs and going of the brakes was actually rewarding myself within the point of releasing myself, taking the pressure of not seeing realizing that using substance and allowing myself to go into these energetic trips and suppress myself is and will never be of any assistance to change myself within my physical behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in brawling about having hangovers and feeling physically drained after using drugs and alcohol in order to fit in with the guys/men realizing that this is part of the ceremonies that exist within groups as group behaviour to identify people that do not conform and thus will be expelled from the group so that the group dynamics can remain in place and do not change so I do not change and within that I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding that this is the principle underlying all systems as in 'I am not allowed to change into a better version of myself' because that would mean a direct threat to the systems in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that small achievements in life have to be celebrated with some sort of reward in order to energize myself within and as this positive energy experience as a present and within that I forgive myself that I failed to see that after the up will be a down instead of me here remaining stable as the best self support I can give myself so I can walk myself out of my preprogrammed patterns so it will become easier for me with every step I make instead of allowing myself to go through this sequence where I fall every time and have to stand up in the same point which makes no sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and reset my date of birth on my Facebook page out of fear of having to face myself within these points related to emotional experiences in the past related to my birthday and within that become angry and agitated towards my own date of birth which in itself cannot help itself for being just a point in space and time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people wishing me a happy birthday because I fear my own emotions and reactions related to the words birthday and happy, seeing myself as not happy and having no reason to be happy and within that I forgive myself to judge myself as unhappy allowing myself to exist in this polarity of happy versus unhappy in relation to my birthday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's about wanting people to leave me alone seeing realizing that I feel a strong desire to not be alone, to be with people and share myself in self honesty not having to hide how I really feel or having to pretend I'm someone that I'm not because that's what group dynamics within a professional/social environment expect of me as the starting point for proffessional relationships in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice and that I'm better of with myself living the lie of professional relationships that do not support self change in my life and within that allowed myself to create new relationships and a false stability point instead of being professional and patient all the way with people around by giving myself the time to build lasting intimate relationships with people I see are able to see where I come from and to stand one and equal with them as we walk this physical process of self change as professionals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand to which extend children are religiously fucked and energized in and around events like birthdays, xmas, and personal attention in whatever ceremonial form

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget how being the centre of ceremonial attention made me feel as a child, to feel very special for a moment and not understand why that moment is not like all other moments and within that I forgive myself that I would try to recreate this experience of myself by whatever means possible not able to see realize understand the reality of myself within this and within that emotional turmoil allowed myself to create patterns of behaviour as manipulation and being secretive that shaped me as a person as a personality for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at how I can assist myself and thus others in this world within the point of group behaviour, dynamics and ceremonies seeing realizing that we all carry these ceremonial personalities with us and that in order to change ourselves we have to change these religious cosmetic ceremonies into practical physical behaviour based on common sense that supports the people around us and allows them to change and grow within the point of being able to approach our individual processes more professionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine for myself what a birthday is and stands for in this world and the consequence it has on children as they grow into adults

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty in relation to these points related to my birthday as the emotional connections and addictions to excitement and entertainment and the fact that without them there has to be something to replace them in order for me to feel fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and isolated in relation to this pattern and react to it in anger and rage seeing realizing that this can only lead to self destruction wherein I allow myself to fall and having to walk the whole thing again
When and as I see myself participating in cosmetic ceremonies and rituals within a group, I stop and breathe. I realize that most groups are groups for a reason, often to facilitate a false sense of safety and belonging for the individual within that group and within that the individual becomes a power point added to the group and within that I see and realize that participating within these cosmetic 'initiation' rituals and wanting to belong to a group is in fact me as myself hiding myself out of fear for self change and self responsibility and within that I see that by doing so I fail to take my life in my own hands and take self responsibility for it by hiding behind a group. I commit myself to be extremely critical towards any form of barrier that is presented in the form of initiation rituals that are abusive in whatever form in order to become part of or be accepted by a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility when and as I find myself in a situation where I missed a point and thus create situations where other beings will have to get involved and thus I make my problems their problems and within that I forgive myself for making my lack of self responsibility other beings responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time and time again sabotage myself by not willing myself to come to a point of physical action and move trough my resistances and instead allow myself to hold back and distract myself with mind games seeing realizing this is a physical process thus instead of playing mind games it's about moving myself forward within and as physical movement to physically get things done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate and take the time and effort to really take a self honest look into myself in relation to these hidden patterns of self sabotage and procrastination that keep me from getting somewhere because I see realize and understand that If I don't change my physical behaviour my physical reality will not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand how subtle this silent backchat can be that makes me come up with excuses before I give myself a change to just get up and do what needs to be done in my daily reality from a common sense perspective in relation to my daily responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents as stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to camouflage my egotistical behaviour under a thin layer of etiquette and cosmetic good behaviour within that seeing realizing I'm creating a personality that I have to keep up and is unforgiving towards others and within that I see realize and understand that these are self destructive patterns I accept and allow to exist instead of forgiving myself for these points and redefine what it means to be self honest within my actions and physical behaviour towards other beings and things that simply need to be done in order to support myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within the point of creating for myself a platform of self intimacy wherein I allow myself to simply look at myself and my behaviour without judgement to enable myself to identify my behavioural patterns and thus the possibility of changing them thus myself within the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not acting upon seeing myself fuck up and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as a fucker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility when I see I made a mistake and within that find an excuse or an external factor for not having to take responsibility for my own actions and within that try to hide myself and suppress the feelings of failure associated with making a mistake

When and as I see myself starting to participate within my patterns of self sabotage and procrastination that keep me from getting somewhere, I stop and breathe. I realize that If I don't move myself within and as my physical behaviour as action to get things done, things will not get done and I will have to face the consequences thereof. I commit myself to push myself through resistance as my physical behaviour as action and get things done when I see myself starting to participate within patterns of self sabotage and procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally listening to an interview and connect points within the interview regarding broken relationships/agreements and getting communication going again to myself and within that suppress the possibility of me doing exactly that out of fear of facing myself and my actions and the confrontation with myself within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imbalance for myself within my agreement by focussing on others and external processes instead of myself and my role within this and within that allowing the practical physical reality of myself to spiral out of control and escalate to a point where I find myself participating in this irrational shout out where I have to face myself in the absolute horror of myself possessed by fear projected as anger towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I couldn't catch myself in a moment and that the next moment is there for me to realize that walking an agreement will eventually bring me face to face with who I am within my actions and reactions and that walking this with a partner means that this will happen again and again until someone gives up or changes for real and that that is the sole purpose of the walking as the action that is an agreement and that I am here to face myself within it and that it's up to me to not waste time, to stand up and walk the necessary corrections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel eerie and alienated because I don't have a common platform within and as an agreement with my partner seeing realizing that I have a place and a responsibility to create this common platform but I can never allow myself to become depended of this platform because that would mean I'm not giving as I would like to receive but taking at the cost of others making the agreement irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotional projections and assumptions towards external events determine how I perceive myself in relation to reality instead of taking the time to stabilize myself and investigate my relation to events within my reality through writing in relation to my agreement partner and to script from that the best possible practical application of myself and to walk that into action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time after time loose myself within the construct of taking things personal not seeing realizing that this reactive pattern of insecurity and fear is so deeply ingrained within me that if I do not write myself out I cannot see this self created veil I look through in daily life and within that only my application in writing in self honest observation like I do now will show me how I exist within it and allow me to script a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my insecurity lead me to taking things personal and feeling attacked and within that feel the need to defend myself and my behaviour seeing realizing that this can only lead to more conflict thus loosing my footing in this physical reality creating friction and energy possessions that are and will eventually lead to self destruction within and as abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control myself completely and that I failed to see that control is only a part of the equation and within that I have to realize that this is a process and within that things will reveal itself step by step and layer by layer and that it's not about control but controlling the process and within that it's better to catch myself shifting in small increments instead of allowing myself to become an avalanches that will create a lot of collateral damage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at these points within self honesty sooner seeing realizing that I allowed anger, fear, frustration and hurt to exist within and as me and within doing so I have accepted and allowed myself to stall my process within getting to the core of what happened between me and my partner and within that I forgive myself for suppressing myself out of shame, pain and sadness related to seeing myself and my actions towards others within these events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the shame connected to my behaviour within in my neck and shoulders as this point of control seeing realizing that I'm trying to control instead of addressing the raw and real experience of myself as I was writing myself out.

When and as I see myself react emotionally listening to interviews, watching a movie or hear people talking, I stop and breathe. I realize that my emotional reaction is me taking something outside of myself personal by connecting it to something inside myself that has an emotional charge in relation to what I see or hear and within that I realize that by reacting emotionally I'm not allowing myself to really see what these connections are because I'm all ready reacting and within that miss an opportunity to learn something about myself and my emotional relationship to what I hear or see. I commit myself to in my daily life become more aware of my emotional reactions when I listen to interviews, watch a movie or hear people talking and within that I commit myself to investigate the specific relationships I have to the what is spoken or revealed so I can forgive myself and end the emotional relationships I have created thus allowing myself to become less reactive to words and images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself facing this point of communication with my former relationship/agreement partner realizing that what I'm fearing is my own fear and that this is all taking place in my head thus not real.
When and as I see myself behaving introvert in relationships, I stop and breathe. I realize that in the past I underestimated the implications and consequences of walking my life with someone else in a relationship from the starting point of an agreement because I was comparing the relationship to former relationships and based my judgement and behaviour on those comparisons. I now see and realize that new relationships are not going to be comparable to former relationships because participating in a relationship based on an agreement is not comparable to 'normal relationships’. I commit myself to take my time to reflect in self honesty and collect my thoughts, emotions and feelings that come up when I see myself walking into a new relationship in order to reveal to myself through writing myself out what I'm practically facing so I can sit with my partner and reflect on the questions and perspectives that open up so we are able to start the relationship based on our realities and the potential that is there instead of projections and expectations and from there enable ourselves to design practical solutions based on the challenges we are likely going to face and by doing so create the best possible starting point for this relationship to practically work based on an agreement that will challenge us as well as support us to walk in self honesty and move towards each other as time progresses.

When and as I see myself reacting towards a partner and within that give in to overcomplicating my thought patterns by allowing myself to let my thoughts run free with the mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of looking for the hart of the matter and translate that into common sense and simplicity I allow myself to become distracted and reactive to and participate within the multi dimensional picture that the mind is presenting me instead of allowing myself to observe myself here in this physical reality as these thoughts and reactions and within doing so enable myself to see the patterns and reactions for what they are and where they originate and within that I commit myself to stop overcomplicating my thought patterns within and as the pattern of overcomplicating communication with a partner when and as I see myself reacting towards a partner and within that I commit myself to not give in to these distractions of the mind so I can observe myself here in this physical reality and see these thoughts and reactions coming up so I can see the patterns and reactions for what they are and identify where they originate from and within that I commit myself to take action and make these patterns points of change I can address with common sense and simplicity and transform them into consistent and physical change of my behaviour thus me.