[B]Result:[/B] Eating Primal was not more expensive than SAD, was actually cheaper given the fact that we still have about $50 worth of meat still in the freezer.

05-19-2013, 08:17 AM

Brenda_D

This morning I analyzed my weight loss progress for the last 13 weeks.

[B][U]Results:[/U][/B]
6 wbm: Lost 12 lbs and 2" off waist in 5 weeks
Paleo (It Starts With Food): Lost 3 lbs and 3" off waist in 4 weeks
PB: Lost 3.4 lbs and 2" off waist in 3 weeks
WD/PB: Lost 1.8 and 0" off waist in 6 days

Basically it boils down to 13 wks/20 lbs lost/7" off waist - for a weekly weight loss average of: 1.5 lbs/wk --- This is healthy, sustainable weight loss, I know this. But it just seems so slow. It's like what, 7 lbs/month? At this speed, I'm still 5 months away from reaching my goal. At least it's not never and it's all going the right direction. In the grand scheme of things, it is a blink of an eye.

I really like analyzing things and making list and stuff, but in truth I'm an artist and free thinker with an adventurous spirit. All these lists and numbers go against my true nature. Not to get all introspective here, but seriously how does an artist turn into a number cruncher? It reminds me of a movie that was my favorite for a good decade called "A Warm, Summer Rain" - a little known movie starring Kelly Lynch and some guy whose name I used to know, it's a slow, mostly depressing love story. But Kelly's character tried to commit suicide and when asked why she did it, her answer was "How does a ballerina become a secretary?" --- not that I'm suicidal in any way, just that life does that to most of us, we compromise and adjust ourselves to fit this or that and eventually get to place where we look back and wonder how we ever got where we are, how we became what we really aren't.

[COLOR="#006400"]Thoughts:[/COLOR]
I find it sad that I have been weighing myself everyday, many days multiple times/day, only to find that in the long run there's nothing very exciting that I saw each day. It's a strange phenomenon really to see a scale rise and plummet sometimes in 2-3 lbs from Tuesday to Wednesday, and to feel like I'm really getting somewhere 'this week' and then get to the end of the week on Monday and only come out with a 1 lb loss.

[B][COLOR="#A52A2A"]Why I have feared dropping the scale:[/COLOR][/B] This will probably sound ridiculous to a lot of you, especially if you've never had a lot of weight to lose, or if you tend to lose weight rapidly. After a number of weigh-ins I know how much more I tend to weigh in the evening versus the morning and so 2-3 lb gains in one day don't freak me out. I also have learned over the course of these 13 weeks that I tend to have a big drop (2-4 lbs) somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday, that magically disappears over the weekend and just in time for weigh-in. :) What it boils down to for me is fear: fear of wasting time & fear of gaining weight. If I watch a scale, things can't get too far out of my control and I am also not set up for a big let down at weigh-in time. For example, if I weigh myself every day then weigh-in day isn't a surprise really, so no disappointment if the scale doesn't read favorably. The other thing is again dealing with disappointment, I can get it worked up in my head that I've lost a great deal of weight when in fact I have not. So if I weigh myself after 4 weeks (of not seeing the scale at all) and have only lost 5 lbs, that would be quite devastating for me to deal with and I would risk a big relapse.

[B][COLOR="#4B0082"]More thoughts:[/COLOR][/B] I am a little disappointed at the reality I'm facing currently, which is that my goal of 145 by June 26th (my wedding) is probably not going to happen. With a 1.5 lb/wk average, I can more safely expect to weigh 157 lbs. I feel so much better health-wise that I will try to focus on that instead and not be in this big weight-loss race. It's just difficult given I have events ahead that I was hoping I could 'make weight' for. I'll shoot for 155 as a goal for June 26th, and maybe my body will surprise me (in a good way).

[B][COLOR="#008000"]Am I ready to ditch the scale?[/COLOR][/B] I'd like to think so. I think I'm addicted to it at this point... but I'm a bit of a pro at kicking addictions lately, so I should give it a shot. I'll set a goal to weigh and measure myself in 14 days. Maybe freeing myself from numbers will simultaneously free my spirit and 'free the fat'.

05-19-2013, 02:46 PM

Brenda_D

[B][COLOR="#FF0000"]
Day Seven: PB/Warrior Remix[/COLOR][/B]
[B]Morning Weight:[/B] 164.8 - I'll do one last weigh-in tomorrow to get a weekly weight loss number, then refrain for 2 weeks.

I've got 5 weeks before I have to buy a dress for my wedding. I've dug out my resistance band toning schedule. So for 5 weeks, I'm going to try to hit 4 days of toning each week, minimum 2. The program only calls for 2 days, one for upper body and one for lower body. The 3rd and 4th days are optional and are only for ab work. Attempting to minimize the scale, maximize toning, and eat according to hunger and energy levels is the plan. I'm going to try to back off from research and analyzing during this time... that too becomes an obsession/addiction for me. If I'm going to have to be addicted to something, then I need to make that addiction exercise, water, or playful adventures. I need to LET GO of a whole slew of things that I know distract me or keep me in a frustrated place... it's time to enjoy the journey.

Here are my before pics. I'll be targeting mainly upper arms, abs, waistline, butt, and upper thighs in my toning. It's pretty scary posting these, but part of the reason I'm having to lose weight in the first place is because I started hiding myself. We'll just call this "exposure therapy."

Undereating:
1/2 cup grapefruit (am thinking this is not the fruit for me... crrraaaaabby)
2 HB eggs about an hour and a half after the grapefruit - didn't stabilize my downward spiral .... despite Ori's advice to eat fruit on an empty stomach by itself, I am thinking that for myself this isn't going to work. I'm already terrified of fruit and now having 2 bad episodes in a row with grapefruit, I think it's either no fruit for me or if I have fruit it has to be accompanied by protein to stabilize the sugar.

Overeating:
11:30 - Del Taco
Dbl Del Burger, a few fries and a few sips of coke. Not the best choice of food, but it was exactly what I needed to help my mood.... hypoglycemia? I think maybe. This (crabby/depressed) happened last time I ate grapefruit by itself, although that time it was in the afternoon.

6:40-7:00
2 eggs fried in bacon grease
2 slices bacon
8 oz NY Strip (Rare)
1/4 cup potatoes fried in bacon grease
-- a lot of protein, a lot of fat, I feel full but not overfilled, I feel good... I get like a cool sensation that comes over me and I actually feel like I can feel myself getting slimmer... I do wonder if these foods might actually reduce inflammation... otherwise, I'm not sure why I get these sensations, but they're pretty awesome.

I will have 1-2 Tbsp fudge for a late night snack (despite what I said this morning).

Notes:
AM: Not enough sleep. Woke up a bit bloated. I either read, heard or dreamt that if you get enough sleep you'll wake up with your tummy flat. If you don't get enough, you will be bloated because your body didn't get enough time over night to do what it needed to. Well, regardless if it is fact or dreamworld, it seems to fit this morning. :) --- Also, digestion feels like it might be off, I'm sure I ate too much chocolate yesterday. I need to control myself a bit better with that indulgence.

PM: Felt much better after lunch, and better after that when I got home. Felt strong and had some energy so took advantage and moved a bit.

05-21-2013, 01:59 AM

Brenda_D

Woke up after 3 hrs and am having trouble getting back to sleep. Anxiety level is high, I am also too warm and thirsty. I have opened a window and drank some water. I really wish I was good at turning off my thoughts. So, in the midst of my discomfort I am mulling over the idea of going back on Lexapro for anxiety/depression. I have been off it since Sept 2012, but I am so randomly moody and I get paranoid that I am going to cause problems for myself. Not to mention that I just don't like being a moody person. I know it has to do almost entirely with food and hormones, yet I cannot seem to find the balance I need to remain stable. I read a little from "The Paleo Parent" blog yesterday regarding eating an all meat diet. She mentioned that eating all meat had the effect on her of basically making her emotionless... that sounds like Heaven to me. Emotionless and thoughtless.... yep, I think I would like to be a robot at this point.

My stomach is turning, so I am pretty confident I'm flooded with cortisol. I really f*ckin' wish I knew what to eat to keep my moods stable, my anxiety down, and to lose this belly fat. One thing I think I've noticed is consistent in my 'bad days' is that my water intake tends to be under 3 liters, I think my sleep is usually less as well but I'd have to go back and check on that to be sure.

I am depressed along with the anxiety, I am usually not depressed. Although I have been depressed more often lately. I'm in a pretty crappy downward spiral at the moment and am not liking life, my life anyway. I just wish I was someone else and that is probably the suckiest thing in the world. I know it's all just out of whack brain chemistry, but that doesn't make the thoughts or feelings go away.

Downward spirals eventually reach the bottom, and I claim my bottom now. So, pity party is over and it's time to drink more water, open the window a little more, and meditate... and hope that this break in sleep doesn't cause another bad day tomorrow.

Update: 6:30 am - meditation put me to sleep. Feel better right now than I think I would have without the meditation. Still having haunting thoughts and my mood is low. I wish I could stay home, but alas work awaits me... probably at least a 10-hr day. I don't want to 'tolerate' this anxiety that still has my stomach in knots. I will start taking Lexapro today. Given my personal stresses coming around the corner (marriage, appts, visit home, and company visiting me), I will try to stay on Lexapro through Sept to keep myself in check and then see where I'm at when this is all over.

05-23-2013, 07:15 PM

Brenda_D

I didn't analyze what I ate, how much water I drank, or how much exercise I did yesterday or today. Instead of feeling a little guilty or worrisome that I might want that data, I feel quite the opposite... I feel free and relieved.

I started reading "Primal Body Primal Mind" yesterday and am interested in the content so far. It's a bit of a dry, clinical read but it's informative and that is what I'm looking for.

I feel good overall, despite a couple of not-quite-paleo meals... still going strong on saying no to soda when it's available. I feel physically strong and expend energy when I can by moving and lifting. I'm trying to hold on to a state of gratitude for my health and not worry about the weight loss. I've been listening to meditations before sleeping and I think that is doing a world of good. I have not opted for the anxiety pills (as of yet anyway), the day I planned to take them I forgot about it until I was already at work, so a blessing in disguise. It's been nice being off meds.

Chris and I went to the tattoo parlor a couple of days ago to get an idea on the cost for our wedding tattoos. We haven't decided on the exact images yet, but we are pretty sure we're getting dancing cranes on our lower arms (so the cranes dance together when we hold hands). Still have appointments to make and legal stuff to do. But it's coming together fine, trying to get as much in order as fast as possible to avoid increased stress. I am so glad we're going the courthouse route, I don't think my nerves could take the stress of event planning and people... I'm having a difficult time with the 2 witnesses and 1 photographer being in attendance! I'm not much for verbalizing/displaying emotions/sentiments in public. It makes me quite uncomfortable.

It's depressingly rainy here in Portland and I really miss my break-time walks. There may be a break in the rain on Saturday, so am planning to go on a hike somewhere new.

Well, I guess that's all for today.

05-27-2013, 06:16 PM

Brenda_D

[B][COLOR="#800080"]I am overeating![/COLOR][/B] This is the conclusion I've come to while reading "Primal Body Primal Mind." I should only be eating around 54g of protein and I've been eating at least 3 times that most days. I read in so many places how you don't need to count calories and watch your intake of foods, just let your hunger and body guide you, eat lots of protein and tons of fat... well, not so for this chick... at least not yet. My "I'm full" circuits must be broken cuz I can down a 12 oz steak in one sitting and still eat an egg and bacon for dessert. And that right there converts to about 120g protein... ugh! I have made a mess of this system that seems like it should be so easy.

It will be interesting to see if changing these portions has an effect on my weight and mood. Still battling a bit of depression and low motivation. I am also cutting fruit back out completely. I also want to cut potatoes out completely, but I am a sucker for fried potatoes and Chris will still be eating them, so perhaps limiting them to 1/4 cup serving 2-3 times per week is more realistic. The jury is out on the fat-burning fudge... the only concerning thing about it is the honey, but I have no sugar anywhere in my diet, I can't imagine 1 Tbsp honey/day would completely halt weight loss, especially when it's duty is to inform fat cells that it's okay to go ahead and release the fat. ---- I think I'm going to allow myself this indulgence, if I lose no weight in a month then maybe I'll take it out and see what happens.