Welcome to the legal page. Our lawyers made us include it and made us use a precious link on our home page to get you here. At first we thought it was a real pain. But then we read the page and found out that this is really important stuff. So be a smart nethead and read the stuff on this page (we even translated it into readable English). It may prevent you from hearing from our lawyers, or worse yet, from really nasty types like prosecutors.

Here's the deal:

We run this site so people like you (and people you like) can use it for personal entertainment, information, education, communication and cybergratification. So go ahead and browse all you like. You can even download stuff from the Web site, but only for non-commercial, personal use. If you do, though, don't fool around with the copyright and other notices all over the stuff. They're there for a really good reason. And don't even think about copying, distributing, modifying, transmitting, re-using, re-posting or anything else uncool with any of the stuff, including the text, images, audio and video, for public or commercial purposes, unless we give you written permission. And it's not likely we will.

If you visit our Web site, you're also legally obligated to [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions listed below and any other law or regulation that applies to the site, the Internet, the World Wide Web, or the intergalactic planetary configuration. You shouldn't access or browse the site if you have a problem with that, because once you start, there's no turning back - you are bound by [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.

So, in order to ensure that we all enjoy the facilities of the site, we herewith give you the following rules which apply to the site:

For everyone's sake, just assume that everything on the site is copyrighted unless we say its not. So you can't use the stuff, except how we say you can on this page or anywhere else on the Web site, without our written permission. And, like we said before, we'll probably say no.

While we try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're not promising you it's accurate. In fact, we're not promising you anything except fun and entertainment. So if you use the stuff on the site, you're using it at your own risk. Don't call us if there's a problem because we assume no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions on the site.

We, and anybody else who helped us create, produce or deliver the site, are not liable for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know that our disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential, indirect or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WTIHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE OR NON-INFRINGEMENT. Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties." We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to say it that the lawyers would accept. But here's the bottom line - we're not responsible if you're browsing around and the site damages you, your phone line or your computer or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, don't call us.

We, and anybody else who helped us create, produce or deliver the site, are not liable for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know that our disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential, indirect or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WTIHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE OR NON-INFRINGEMENT. Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties." We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to say it that the lawyers would accept. But here's the bottom line - we're not responsible if you're browsing around and the site damages you, your phone line or your computer or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, don't call us.

You should also know that none of the stuff you send to us is private - if that bothers you, then you shouldn't visit the site. Others may read your messages, so don't send credit card numbers, your social security number or other important information by e-mail - only by secured server. Likewise, anything that you send to us (including any brilliant ideas) belongs to us and may be used or modified by us any which way we like, including reproduction, publication and broadcast, without compensation. We may ask you for your name, age, address, comments and suggestions, and your e-mail address will be automatically recognized when you visit the site. We use this information to improve our products and services, better tailor our site or advertisements and to contact you. Whether you give us this information is strictly up to you. If you have already given us personal information and want it removed, just tell us by sending an e-mail to the address listed at the bottom of this page.

We may monitor your use of this site, simply because it's ours and we don't want anyone to mess it up.

Pictures of people, places or products shown on the site are either our property or someone else's property that we're using with their permission. No matter what, it's definitely not your property. You or any of your net-friends can't use it unless we said you could on this page or somewhere else on the site. And guess what - we won't say yes. So be careful , because unauthorized use may violate all sorts of scary laws. And be smart: keep the stuff you download to yourself.

There's also a lot of trademarks, logos and service marks on the site, that either we own or we're using with someone else's permission. So don't think you have any kind of license or right to use them because you don't and we're not about to give you one. If you don't leave them alone and mess with the trademarks, logos and service marks on our site, we'll probably go ballistic - and so will the companies that own the other trademarks, logos and service marks. That means we're likely to sue you or to ask a prosecutor to come after you for messing around with our property or the property of others.

You'll probably notice we've linked our site to lots of others. While that's cool, it doesn't mean we've looked at all those sites, much less checked them out periodically to see what's going on. So don't blame us if some site you link to is bad or has stuff on it that offends you or your pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you're doing it at your own risk.

Now we know you may be able to read this stuff in Transylvania, Myanmar and other well-traveled places throughout the world. But we're headquartered in the U.S.A. and, while we don't mind you reading this, our site has been designed to comply with U.S. laws, period. If anything on this site is contrary to the laws of where you are when you access it, then it isn't meant for you.

Our Web site is intended only for people of legal drinking age - which is why you had to tell us how old you are before you could get in here. If somebody who's not of legal drinking age has entered anyway and given us personal information, we want to remove it from our records and we want you to get off our site NOW! We ask that person's parent or legal guardian to contact us immediately at the e-mail address listed at the bottom of this page so we can remove that information.

Let's work together to keep this Web site clean - no pornography, defamation, obscenity, libel, profanity or other things that might offend or harm anyone or violate any laws should be posted or transmitted to this Web site.

We're allowed to change this page and anything else on the site any time we want to. That's because it's our and we have the geeks to do it. If we do change the page, then you're bound by [read: stuck with] those changes, too, whenever you visit our site.

Oh, one last thing. If there ever is a problem, then this site will be interpreted under the laws of the State of Illinois and any lawsuits that are filed will only be filed in Chicago, Illinois, because by visiting this site you agree that these courts will have jurisdiction over you, the problem and the lawsuit. Plus, if you lose the case, you will have to pay all of our costs and attorneys fees. So, don't do anything rash unless you can afford it, because our lawyers are really expensive.

Well, that's about it. We hope we haven't bored you to death with all this legal stuff. If you play by these rules, we'll all have fun together. Happy surfing!