One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop so that he could investigate. The lawyer got out of his limousine and asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man answered. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

The poor man replied, "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said to him, "You can come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"No problem, bring them all as well!" the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

A man was out flying in his hot air balloon and an unexpected storm came in. The winds were very strong and their was no way to land the craft so he was forced to ride it out.

Once the storm was past and the man had his balloon under control again he needed to find out where he was. He spied a man standing in a clearing and descended close enough to ask where he was. When he got close enough he yelled to the man and asked where he was? The man replied "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 100 feet off the ground.

The man in the balloon thanked the man on the ground for his help and asked if he was a Microsoft Systems Engineer? The man on the ground was astounded and replied "why yes, yes I am. How did you know?" The man in the balloon yelled back "because I asked you a simple question you gave an accurate and exacting answer that didn't help me at all".

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work ....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right."OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, I will be surrounded by beautiful women who will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discussthe problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband couldperform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's whatyou do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normalconversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet,then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in theden. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife andrepeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wifeand asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's fordinner?"

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and they order the 'ChickenSurprise'. The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot risesslightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking aroundbefore the Lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so sheasks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waitress over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.