It was a moment you never thought would happen. You know it would come but you never thought it would happen. Nobody ever expects changes to happen. Nobody ever expects bad times to come. You have avoided being negative for a long time but you know the moment has come. Your head is telling you that you need to be tough and put your foot down. Your heart is screaming at your head to shut up.

You stand there frozen. Slowly your mind takes form. Everything seems to be happening at an extremely slow rate. You feel yourself trying to balance it out. It doesn't seem even. It doesn't seem right. You finally get it after what seems like forever but you are frozen like a statue.

It feels to you like you're going through the motions but your heart really isn't in it. Your pulse quickens. Your hands shake. You feel like you're about to throw up. You can't complete it. You can't even start it. You run to the bathroom and empty all the contents of your stomach into the toilet bowl.

You promise yourself that this is the last time you cake out. The next time you'll be sure to see it through but you've said that every time. Even when you're scared you don't react by getting mad. You react by crying and fussing and nearly throwing up. You feel dizzy. You feel unsure. Were you clear?

You couldn't have been clear. You didn't even understand it yourself. You probably were unclear and to get mad after you were unclear would just be unfair. You feel yourself sweating profusely. Tears pool in your eyes. Your brother would tell you to stop being such a wuss. He would call you an insecure baby that was less mature then your six year old.

Well you're not less mature then your six year old. You have to be tough. You have to be strong. So much time has passed now it won't make a difference but next time you will be strong. Next time you won't be a wimp. You'll just do it and get it done with. You'll stick to your guns even if it does come back to shoot you in the foot.

You take a deep breath. You wash your face. You dry your eyes and you calm yourself down. You listen to your heart. You know it's the right thing to do. There's time enough to get tough. Right now too much stress would kill you and no good would come out of that.

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