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But, I needed to share my birth story, and no one else would really understand. I wanted to be able to say everything I needed to without worrying about how to say it. I think I can do that here.

The birth story of Colm:

My baby boy was born this morning. We were unable to find a heart beat with the doppler yesterday at my midwife appointment. So we went to the hospital for an ultrasound. We were all so hopeful that he was just hiding tucked away behind the placenta since it was anterior. But, when she put the ultrasound on I saw him and I knew. He had his little arm raised in a fist and he just wasn't moving. He had no beautiful little heart fluttering. The lines that show the heart tones on the screen were flat, I knew before she said it, yet I still tried to will him to move.

My midwife induced me with cytotec (I was very nervous about this at first, but she checked with the back-up provider and it is okay before 26 weeks). I felt crampy but nothing too bad. They put in a balloon catheter too to help dilate the cervix. I was the first patient my MW used this on, but it was okay, she will be able to use it with her homebirths when they start reaching the magic 42 weeks since she can use it in the home unlike other induction techniques. Sorry didn't mean to digress. She inserted a second pill 4 hours later. The cramps got worse and I was having some intense pain along my right side where I get all my 'round ligament' pain, that I think is from my scar, I was a little worried but I didn't think it was anything serious. THen she inserted one more pill at about 4:30. The cramps got worse and I could tell they were becoming more like a labor pattern. At about 6 am I started watching the clock a bit, and got restless. I didn't know if I wanted to stand or sit or what. I sort of felt like I wanted to be on my hands and knees, but didn't want to do the effort to get there. About this time I also started thinking about taking something for the pain. My daughters were both med-free births, but I did that for them. I did that so they could have the best start at life, and in this situation I felt like my need to feel 'good' was more important. FInally around 7:15 I called for the nurse and asked for something. The contractions were on top of each other and then I felt something sort of pop, the balloon had come out. I rang the nurse again and asked them to please hurry and find the midwife. I didn't want him to be born and her not be there. She had stayed up until about 1 am with us, talking and being there. Then she went to rest a bit down the hall. I knew he was coming and it was too late for any medication. I tried not to push him out because I wanted Pam to be there, but my body just did it and finally the pressure was too much so I pushed just a little and he came out. He was still in his sac, my mom was there and she told me I should wait until he was out to look, so I did. Pam got there a minute after, the nurses didn't realize she was sleeping down the hall, so they tried calling her first which is why she wasn't there so quickly. I got to hold him and take pictures. They put a christening gown on him and a little green hat. They made an impression with his feet, and put his foot prints on a card. The priest came and baptized him, and said a blessing.

I am so happy I had my midwife and not an OB. She stayed with us most of the time, until I looked like i wanted to sleep then she went and rested too. She was comforting and hugged me a lot. She stayed until I was released from the hospital. She went against the 'rules' a few times, she let me eat and she didn't let them put in an IV. And then she let me go home when I wanted to, he was born at 7:35 and we left around noon. The nurses weren't sure of what to do about it, but they followed along. From the beginning I felt this pregnancy this baby was different. I thought it was because I was seeing a midwife, and I was going to be able to have the labor I have wanted for so long. No doctor pushing interventions, just peaceful, and the baby placed directly on my chest, the chance to smell that wonderful new born smell. I picked perfect providers for that. But instead it was different for this reason. And still I feel I picked perfect providers for this. The support she gave me the entire night, she was there and we talked. Sometimes about what was going on and sometimes about other things, food, our live births, lots of things. None of the OBs I have seen in the past would have sat with us for hours and just been there and talked and supported us like that. It was truly a blessing.

Colm Cornelius M.
11 oz, 10.5 inches: born sleeping May 13, 2009

I will share his pictures later when I am ready for the world to see him, but right now he is mine and I don't want to share.

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When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me

Thank you for sharing Meghan. I'm glad you had as much of the birth you wanted as you could have had under the circumstances. I remember that u/s with Marshall, and it's heartbreaking, and it doesn't soon leave your memory.

We are here for you when you need us, and when you are ready to share your little man, we are here. Bless you, and we are loving on you tonight.

Thank you Heather. You don't know how much you have helped me. When we first started posting together on the Spet DDC I saw in your siggy that you had lost Marshall. I came here to this board and found you and read your story. I saw somewhere that you had mentioned that you started coming to the board before you lost Marshall.

I was the same way. I saw Marshall and started reading all the stories and seeing all the angels. And it first it was hard, it was difficult to see their pictures, but I couldn't stop looking, and looking. And now I feel like G-d brought me here to see, to be able to see their beauty and know what to expect. So I knew he would look perfect, his 10 little fingers and toes, his perfectly formed ears, we got to see his eyes. But I knew he wouldn't look completely normal, his skin was peeling a little and he was dark. But to me he was/is wonderful and perfect.

I know we didn't always see eye-to-eye, but I am glad I know you because you are an inspiration to me. Thank you.

You are so right too. I didn't get to hold him right away and I will never get to nurse him. But he was born quietly and peacefully, well until we all started sobbing. But his was a good birth. My beautiful baby boy.

__________________

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me

We have his foot prints on a card and they made an impression of his feet too in a little memorial box. We have his christening gown, his hat and his blanket. The hospital took 3 pictures that they printed for us. And we took about 20 pictures with our camera. We held him and have pictures of us together with him. I don;t know that any of it will be enough. But following you here all those weeks ago helped me to know what I should do and what I might want. It let me know I should send David to get the camera from the car. And to ask for his foot prints. And to take his clothes.

So, yes I think I have enough to remember him by.

__________________

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me

They didn't give me anything, I will contact someone if I need it. They gave me numbers for bereavement counselors. They really have been wonderful, the hospital had everything and took really good care of us.

__________________

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me

Oh Meghan, I am so sorry to welcome you here. Your description of your ultrasound is so familiar. That flat line. Whenever I saw a heartrate on TV for months after I lost Devin my heart would race at the flashback of that flat line.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope the writing of it was cathartic for you. Your midwife sounds wonderful. I know how you feel about wanting that kind of birth... I really wanted a medication-free childbirth with Devin, I prepared for it, I had everything set for it. In the end I almost got what I wanted, but he was dead. I had midwives, too.... they were so comforting.

I know your head and heart are a mess right now... I hope that we can help you get through this.

Meghan, the peacefulness of your Birth story was so touching. I am so glad you had a midwife who was there for you the whole time. I am so sorry about Colm.
Heather and Meghan, your baby boys have really touched me. The Sept 09 DDC has three angel boys. No mother should ever go through this. I just want to hug you ladies.

Meghan, the peacefulness of your Birth story was so touching. I am so glad you had a midwife who was there for you the whole time. I am so sorry about Colm.
Heather and Meghan, your baby boys have really touched me. The Sept 09 DDC has three angel boys. No mother should ever go through this. I just want to hug you ladies.

My son was born like Colm - without any assistance. He wanted out, and he came out on his terms.

I never thought I would survive Ethan's loss. But it's been 3 months, and I am doing okay. You will too. NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness is a good source for counselors, if you decide you want that.

oh hun thank you fo sharing you pecious little boy with us im just so sorry u ve had to join us here. the ladies here ae fantastic and very supportive i dont know where id be with out them... we ae here for u when u need us
im claire co host here i lost my baby daughter jessica in 2005

Your story differs in areas from mine, but some of them are so familiar. The ultrasound, the pills to be induced. The long contractions right on top of one another. And when my water broke 2 minutes later Roald slid down and I couldn't hold it in either. With one or two pushes he was all the way out.

I'm still just so sorry. I'm glad this place is here for those who need it, but at the same time it's so sad to welcome newbies here.

I am truly sorry for your loss. But how wonderful you are seeking support so soon. Those first hours are so lonely. I could barely stand it, and in fact when it was to much i asked to see genevive at the hospital morgue a couple days later. They brought her to me in a private room, it was healing. If you get a chance take extra footprints and things. I find now that I want so badly to have extras for frames and things , and a photocopy isn't the same. Hope this advice doesn't bug you, but it's a rare chance to tell someone I wish I did that, or i am glad i did this.