Brian Conley thought he could distract the audience with his hair and pass it off as comedy

“I do worry that I’ll disturb things with some comedy,” said a concerned Brian.

So let me put his mind at rest, immediately.

You won’t. Not this week. Not next week. Not ever, Brian.

And that probably goes double for “comedian Susan Calman”.

A shame really, as laughs look like they could be in relatively short supply on Strictly Come Dancing 2017, a series which should make light work of a non-event X Factor but is looking ever so slightly tired and underwhelming, thanks to some of the fixtures and fittings.

Host Tess Daly, for instance, like a lot of naturally beautiful women, remains an awkward silence and conversational dead-end waiting to happen, while new head judge Shirley Ballas should probably spend a little less time on her bone-crunchingly dull technical issues and a bit more trying to remember the names of the contestants if we’re to avoid any more toe-curlers like: “It’s time to get busy with Lizzy . . . Chizzy.”

If she’s not quite been able to ID all of this year’s lot, though, Shirley should be cut a degree of slack, as the show’s never been so full of C-list imposters and members of the Holby City cast as it is this year.

The bookings include: Brian Conley, Aston Merrygold, out of JLS, Mollie King, from The Saturdays, and Debbie McGee, whose beautiful performance at the weekend came as a huge surprise to everyone who’d forgotten she’s a classically trained ballet dancer.

What Strictly needs more than nearly anything, though, is laughs. Disco Vicar Richard Coles was always going to be an obvious candidate to supply most of them. The one I’ve also now got a lot of hopes pinned on, however, is Ruth Langsford, left, the show’s unofficial “good sport”.

Before lift-off, with Anton, on Saturday, Ruth said she felt “like a Princess”, which was a four-door Austin saloon popular in the 1970s, but I actually felt she cornered more like the White Helmets motorbike display team in a 21-man pyramid with six punctures. So I cannot now wait to see her do the more energetic stuff.

If we all assume, though, that neither Richard nor Ruth are capable of elevating Strictly to the same brilliant heights as Ed Balls managed last year, the most important fixture on the show remains Craig Revel Horwood.

He is Strictly’s truth bomb. The only opinion, with the possible exception of Darcey Bussell, that the audience and the couples really care about and a man gifted with natural comic timing.

BBC puts Ender to pretence

He hasn’t appeared since February, during The Queen Vic’s entirely impartial “EU-themed nights”, when he was seen shaking his head sadly at the “Poles go home” graffiti, on the pub door, and reflecting: “It’s the Britain we live in now.”

Had Konrad from EastEnders hasn't made an appearance since he appeared in The Queen Vic

It was a storyline, of course, that appeared in the wake of the so-called “Brexit murder”, in Essex, of Pole Arkadiusz Jozwik which, as the subsequent court case has just proved and contrary to the line pushed by BBC2’s Newsnight, had absolutely nothing to do with Brexit.

Had Konrad who supposedly runs the Walford delicatessen, become a fixture on the soap, I’d probably be prepared to believe the timing of his introduction was a huge coincidence and that EastEnders actually gave a solitary toss about all the Polish people in London.

As things stand, however, Konrad’s appearance is yet another incident that makes the BBC1 soap look like a show motivated entirely by moral grandstanding and empty, left-wing political gestures but one that’s nothing like “The Britain we live in now".

TV question of the week

TV question of the week, This Morning, Phillip Schofield: “How’d you like a designer vagina in your lunch break?”

Hmm. To be honest, I was just going to get a cheddar & pickle baguette at Pret

Great TV lies and delusions of the month

GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month.

Live From The BBC, Josie Long: “I’m not a stadium comedian.” (A comforting way of admitting she’s not funny.

Loose Women, Russell Brand: “I’m a comedian. If you want to see me doing jokes I’ll make you laugh, I guarantee.”
And Eamonn & Ruth’s Seven Year Itch: “Don’t get any ideas, I’ve seen the way you look at the girl in the sandwich shop.”

Ruth Langsford there. The only person on the planet who thinks Eamonn isn’t ogling the sandwiches.

TV Gold

TV Gold: Mel Brooks on The Jonathan Ross Show. Celebrity Juice and genius Jimmy Carr still getting away with it after 18 series. Phillip Schofield honouring This Morning’s live designer vagina feature with the disclaimer: “It’s important to state those windows behind us are one way glass.”

And Suranne Jones delivering the week’s most unlikely sex scene but the best ever audition for Celebrity Come Dine With Me, on Doctor Foster.

Quiz show numbskulls

QUIZ show numbskulls of the week are all culled from ITV’s daytime moron-magnet, Tipping Point.

Ben Shephard: “How many years are there in half a decade?”

Financial strategy analyst Matt: “Six.”

“The former Labour politician Ed Balls married which politician in 1998?”

Well, I think I recognise Angellica Bell from somewhere. The Amazonian is definitely swimmer Becky Adlington and the fragile-looking Swedish creature almost certainly used to be Ulrika Jonsson.

But whatever else you do, do not test me on any of the blokes who appeared in this series.

I gave up trying to ID them somewhere between Abdullah Afzal and Dev Griffin, who’s “A Radio 1 DJ”, apparently, but might as well be the Deliveroo driver who just dropped off my Pollo Forza and dough balls.

That’s the thing about Celebrity MasterChef, though. It always involves some sort of guessing game.
Who are they? What the hell are they cooking? And when will it ever end?

’Cos this series seemed to start back in about February and it’s only the constant stream of innuendo that’s kept me watching since then.

The golden rule of television, though, is that if you watch anything for long enough – apart from EastEnders – you will eventually start enjoying it and caring.

I cared so much by the end of the damn thing I really wanted Ulrika to win. She was denied justice, though, by steely-eyed Angellica and one technical error Torode spotted in the final’s palate test.

“Ulrika, tell me why you closed the top of your dumplings?”

Four kids later, mate. It’s kinder for everyone. Now judge her on the food.

Medical update of the week

Good Morning Britain, Wednesday, Piers Morgan: “I had one of those very unpleasant little lumps surgically-removed from the nape of my neck, yesterday.”

The very unpleasant lump’s progressing nicely and will continue to file his Mail on Sunday column.