06 March 2007

Womb Raider: A Psychoanalysis

Angelina Jolie needs help. It is clear she's suffering from a serious addiction to adopting orphans from the world's shitholes. Last week, an adoption agency in Vietnam announced she has filed papers to adopt a little Vietnamese playmate for her son. Someone needs to stage an intervention...and soon!

Pointy Note: I can’t even mention Brad Pitt here without going off on a tangent. So let's just say he seems like an emasculated pull toy who is likely locked in bat powder-lined closet in NOLA, only rolled out for diaper changes and staged family photo ops.

Back to Jolie: Does anyone else sense a Mommie Dearest theme happening here? When Joan Crawford was the Queen Whore of Hollywood, she decided to adopt some kids to soften her image. She proceeded to pimp out the kids for publicity whenever it served her needs but had little use for them otherwise.

In the late 90s, Jolie was the reigning psychoslut in Hollywood. With vials of blood and tats galore, she loved regaling the media with tales of how she used knives during sex. On the red carpet at the Golden Globes, she and Billy Boy Thornton told reporters they’d screwed in the limo on the way there. A few years earlier, she practically dry humped her own brother at the Oscars. Suddenly, she was box office poison.

Then, she adopts Maddox from Cambodia. When crazy-as-hell Billy Bob leaves because even he can't handle her lunacy, Jolie emerges as a martyred single mother dedicated to a noble humanitarian mission. Her career shows signs of life again.

Around the same time, Brad Pitt was wimpering on all of the talk shows about wanting to be a father. Looking for a father figure, Jolie reportedly used Maddox on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith to mesmerize Pitt into seeing what a caring earth mother she was. Joan Crawford apparently snagged one of her husbands by dangling her adopted kids and dreams of "the perfect family" before him.

When suspicions arise that Jolie and Pitt are having an affair on the set, Jolie gets up on her soapbox ranting about how she'd never be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife because her father cheated on her mother. So, when she becomes pregnant with Brad's child while he's still married to Jennifer Aniston, she needs a distraction from her own hypocrisy...and fast. So she snaps up an Ethiopian kid before news of the pregnancy gets out. Her image remains one of humanitarian instead of homewrecker. The next thing you know, she's dressing and speaking like Gwyneth Paltrow and her career is hitting a high point.

[Personally, I preferred Jolie when she was bat shit crazy.]

Now, with her recent spate of bad press, she’s adopting yet another impoverished kid, this time from Vietnam. By doing so, she is telling the world to cut her some slack because her reserves of altruism and selflessness are even deeper than one could have imagined.

Of course, many people do exactly what Jolie does every day without their own camera crews paid to photograph them in flattering lighting and perfect lipgloss.

I predict it's only a matter of time before current It-Whore Paris Hilton goes the Mommie Dearest route and starts collecting little Russian babies with little furry Russian hats.

Check out this hilarious video spoof "Womb Raider" where Jolie invades third world villages, stealing children from unsuspecting families. "Run! Angelina is coming!" Asian school children scream as they duck for cover." Priceless.

Ernie Bean, How the hell have you been? I have to admit that I fell for the "well, at least she's using her celebrity for good" defense. But, ever since she showed up at the Golden Globes with her regal sourpuss -- when she should have been by her dying mother's side -- I saw the light. This is the best thing that could ever happen to Jennifer Aniston's career.

Cameo - I have been doing great. I am preparing to change my life upside down, almost literally! I have accepted a job in Australia. I will be starting in late April or early May and will be over there for 2 years! So.... come on down! More details on the exact departure date and any going away festivities!