Signs You’re Secretly Annoying Your Colleagues

SARAH GREEN: Welcome to the HBR IdeaCast from Harvard Business Review. I’m Sarah Green. Today I’m talking with Muriel Maignan Wilkins, co-founder and managing partner of Paravis Partners, an executive coaching and leadership development firm. She is the co-author, with Amy Jen Su, of the book Own the Room and is a frequent contributor to HBR.org. Muriel, thank you so much for talking with us today.

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Thank you, Sarah. Glad to be here.

SARAH GREEN: So over the years, HBR has published a number of items on sort of what I think of as the big three personality irritations at work– micromanaging, passive-aggressive people, or dealing with someone who has very little emotional intelligence. But recently, you have opened up some new ground for us, which is helping readers understand when maybe they actually are suffering from– they may harbor one of these sort of irritating traits. Why is it so difficult for us to recognize when we ourselves are the problem?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Well, you know, we can go back in history and see that that’s been a quintessential problem for a lot of people. The ability to observe others is sort of a pastime for many people, right? It’s so easy to do. It’s so easy to recognize not only the nuances that others have, but also their faults, and at times even what their successes are.

But looking at yourself in the mirror can be quite hard, because literally, you don’t have a mirror in front of you that you’re walking around with to understand exactly what you’re doing and how you’re managing things like emotions, or how you manage, or even how you’re behaving with your peers. And ultimately, it can be a little difficult to look at yourself, because you might not like what you see. And so really, this ability to have a heightened sense of self-awareness, so that you can not only manage yourself but also manage others in a more effective way , is clearly a success factor in being a great leader, but also just having a phenomenal career along the way.

SARAH GREEN: So getting a little bit specific here, I wanted to start with passive aggression. Because this is one I think people complain about all the time at the office. And no one has ever come out and told me that they are– oh, hey, I’m passive-aggressive.

[LAUGHTER]

So maybe let’s start by just talking about what are some of the signs that you actually might be passive-aggressive?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: You know, the biggest thing with being passive-aggressive– and by the way, I think you’re absolutely right. Like nobody says, ooh, I think I’m being a little passive-aggressive here. But it’s probably one of the most popular things that people accuse others of being.

And what is it that you see when you think about someone else being passive-aggressive– which, quite frankly, is what you’ll see in yourself? And the main thing is that is when there’s a disconnect between what you say and what you do. Meaning what you say really has an impact of being passive, indirect, while what you actually do is a little aggressive, in terms of doing something behind somebody’s back.

So some of the telltale signs are my favorite, which is you don’t really share your honest opinion when you’re asked, yet behind closed doors, you’ll say, you know, just so you know, here’s what I think we actually should do. Or you get upset with someone, and clearly it’s something that’s roiling you internally, but you never let them know why. You’re sort of very passive in terms of the way that you express it.

Or you praise somebody in public, you’re very nice in their face, but then behind their back, you’re criticizing them or complaining about them. So in effect, there’s a huge disconnect between what you are visibly expressing, or even not expressing– just being flat– and what you are experiencing internally towards the topic or towards a person or towards a thing.

SARAH GREEN: So what I find so interesting about this is that I think when we complain about other people being passive-aggressive, I think we often attribute sort of a mean or malicious intent, some kind of intent, to their actions. But I think if you’re talking about those behaviors, it might be– you know, you could say, well, I was just trying to be tactful. Or, I did make myself clear. That person just didn’t hear what I was saying. So from the passive-aggressive person’s point of view, what’s really behind the behaviors?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Right. And you know, Sarah, that is so key. Because never are people intentionally being passive-aggressive. I mean, really, who would want to be intentionally passive-aggressive? Everyone thinks that they’re being direct, that they’re getting their message across– or even more so, believe that others should just understand how they feel. And I think, ultimately, that’s the issue.

And what drives that behavior is often a fear, right? It’s either a fear of conflict, or it’s a fear of not being liked by others. It’s a fear of being direct, and what might happen if you’re too direct. Or a fear of just failure if you’re trying to get your message across or trying to get something through, and it doesn’t actually happen.

And so ultimately, in order to be able to recognize the behaviors in yourself, you do have to look at what’s driving them. And understand that there’s a flip-side to that fear, right? So if your fear is one of rejection, that you’re afraid if you’re a direct, then they’re not going to like you, to understand that you might be doing about them a favor, and doing the whole team a favor, by being more direct around your message. Because ultimately, if you’re not, they probably won’t like you even more, right?

SARAH GREEN: Hm.

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: So it ends up being a vicious cycle, in terms of those self-fulfilling fears of whatever it is that you’re concerned might happen.

SARAH GREEN: So I want to now pivot to a second issue that I think is maybe just as irritating, are almost as irritating, as dealing with passive-aggression, which is micromanaging. And again, this is not a way that people usually describe themselves. They’ll say that they’re hands-on or detail-oriented. But what are some signs that maybe you’ve crossed the line into micromanaging territory?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Right. And I think you’re right. People will define it differently, particularly if they’re the main culprit, right? They’ll say, oh, well, I’m being hands-on. I’m just making sure the job gets done.

And let me caveat. I think that there is a place and time for being extremely hands-on and extremely directive, and being detailed, in terms of what you need. I think the big mistake that micromanagers do, and what is the telltale sign of whether you’re a micromanager or not, is whether you are taking that approach all the time. So it’s a frequency and the inability to be situational.

So whether you are trying to ask somebody to send a very simple email about the happy hour that’s happening tomorrow, to preparing for a big board presentation, the micromanager will approach that task with the same level of intensity, and detailed, and hands-on, regardless of the urgency and regardless of the weight of that action and activity.

SARAH GREEN: Interesting. So if you are maybe recognizing some of yourself in that, how would you start to let go, dial it back?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Well, I think one of it is understanding, what are the things that are really important, that require that level of being hands-on? And what are the things that are not as important. So there’s a prioritization that you have to go through, to understand that not everything warrants that type of behavior. There’s a reason, again, why it’s called micromanaging. It’s that you’re focusing on all the little minutiae.

And if you want to be an effective manager, an effective leader, you have to understand, what are the big things? What are the macro things? And that’s really where you should be spending 80% of your time. And what are the one or two or three things where you really should be focused on the minutiae?

But you certainly shouldn’t be focused on the minutiae for 100% of all your activities. So one is making that distinction between what’s micro and what’s macro, and making sure that you’re spending your time where you add the most value, which is, I would guarantee, probably more in the macro.

SARAH GREEN: So, interesting. Because as you’re sort of talking about that, I’m thinking, you know, when we were talking about passive-aggression, you said often, for people, there’s a kind of fear undergirding that. And I’m just wondering, with micromanaging, is they’re also a kind of anxiety or something underlying it that’s very– sort of maybe focused on what could go wrong, or something like that?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Absolutely. I mean, most of the micromanagers that I’ve worked with– and I will admit that if I don’t self-manage very closely, will veer over that line as well– has a huge capacity to just get things done, right? And they do it well. I mean, they are star performers, a lot of them.

But what ends up happening is that as a rise in their career and they take on larger scopes of work, that tendency to micromanage really outpaces them. There’s just no way they can handle it. And so they have to learn to leverage.

And so there’s a fear that if they are not as hands-on as they’re used to being that they’re not going to achieve the success for their team, for their company, even for themselves, that they’re used to getting. And so part of it is for them to recognize and trust that others can get the job done, even if others are not doing it with the same approach, or may not take it to the n-th degree that they might have taken it themselves. But as long as they can get the job done, they have to be satisfied with that.

SARAH GREEN: So the third one– I want to pivot once more to the third thing I mentioned at the start, which is emotional intelligence. And this one seems a little bit different in some way than the other two. But what are some of the signs that, you know, we may lack emotional intelligence?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Right. So emotional intelligence is such a big topic. And so much has been written about it. And really, at the end of the day, when you think about what emotional intelligence is, it’s your ability to be aware and manage your own emotions, but also be aware and take into consideration other people’s emotions, which really gets into the interpersonal.

So some of the signs that you lack emotional intelligence is when you don’t do those two things, right? Where, for example, you might say something that others deem as being sensitive or off-color, but you really don’t understand why they’re overreacting. Or you don’t see anything wrong with really stating your assertions really early and pushing them with rigor, and not understanding why others feel like you’re not listening. You find that others are really the ones to blame when there are issues, and there’s really no source of discomfort that might come from you.

So there’s a lot of lack of understanding, in terms of what your own contributions might be to issues that are at hand. But also quickly not being able to recognize how others might feel as a result of what you’re doing.

SARAH GREEN: So there’s an extent to which I think some of us just aren’t people people, so to speak. But even if you’re not sort of the most extroverted person, or the most emotionally sensitive, or in-tune, empathetic person, how can you start to tune into other people more? Because I know this is one that really seems like– just like the other two we talked about, this could really derail your career.

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Right. And I do believe– it’s just like you said, Sarah– that it doesn’t take the most extroverted or naturally empathetic person to demonstrate emotional intelligence. So the first part in understanding what you can do is actually getting some feedback, to understand, you know, what are the things that you’re doing, specifically to you, that might demonstrate that you’re not really showing a huge display of emotional intelligence, or enough that’s going to get you to where you want to go in your career?

So for example, if you get some feedback that others feel like you’re not listening very well. Well, then that gives you something very tactical to work on that will actually move the needle in the area of the emotional intelligence. So first is getting some feedback from people who will really honestly assess you.

I think secondly, in order to genuinely work on emotional intelligence, you have to have a purpose behind it. And so you have to understand, what are your intentions? What is it that you want people to think of you, in terms of how you relate to them? And is that really connected or congruent with the way that you’re behaving?

You know, look, at the end of the day, if you don’t care if you come off as gruff and people are upset by the way that you behave, then nothing’s really going to change. It’s not going to change in your behavior, and you just keep on doing what you’re doing, and live with the consequences.

But mostly when I work with clients, what I’ll hear is, wow, like, I didn’t get that this is how people experience me. I don’t want to be known as that type of person. That’s not who I am. And so understanding how you want to be known, what you want your presence to be, is a start as well.

And then really pinpointing, to say, OK, before I respond in a particular situation, let me pause and think. Or let me prepare before I go into that meeting. What am I going to do to demonstrate that I can be empathetic or understand where other people are coming from, while at the same time being in tune with how I feel about this matter?

So I think preparation is key, particularly if you’re going to go into situations that may be a little contentious, or situations that might potentially throw you off balance. So that in those cases, again, not only are you managing your own emotions, but you’re aware of the emotions that others are bringing into the room, as well.

SARAH GREEN: So it’s interesting. I want to go back to the feedback piece of that. Because I think that’s so important, and it seems like something that could help with the other couple things that we talked about, as well as the emotional intelligence issue. But I can see that when you’re giving someone critical feedback on, say, like a presentation that they didn’t prepare enough for, that’s hard enough to hear as it is, in some cases.

But if you’re sort of trying to set up a feedback conversation where people are going to be telling you things like, you know, you’re really passive-aggressive, or you’re really micromanaging me, or you just don’t seem to understand people, I could see that that would be hard to hear, easy to get defensive. People might not even feel comfortable saying that kind of thing, especially if you’re the boss. So how can people sort of set up that conversation, both so that the message gets delivered honestly and fairly, and also so the person hearing it actually hears it?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Well, I think if you’re the boss, one of the things that you’re doing is you’re actually setting the tone for a culture of feedback. And so you can frame it as that, that you are committed to growing, and the only way that you grow is by getting out of your comfort zone. And therefore, you’re inviting people to give you this feedback. And you want to ask this feedback in specific areas.

So if you’re going to do it conversationally, what I highly recommend is you say, look, you know, one of the things that I’m aware of is– I think at times I tend to micromanage. But I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing that gets me there. So I would love your feedback around what are the two or three things that I’m doing that you feel lead to this thought that I have, that I’m micromanaging. And what could I do differently? So be very specific. Don’t just ask how I’m doing, right?

[LAUGHTER]

Because then people won’t [INAUDIBLE]. And then it’s really about how you react to the feedback. That’s what turns people away. If you react very negatively, or you get defensive, or you justify why you’re micromanaging, or why you’re being passive-aggressive, or why you’re not emotionally intelligent, nobody’s ever want to give you feedback at all.

Now, if you’re very concerned that folks won’t give you that feedback in a conversational way, then there are so many assessments that you can do, through a 360 assessment, or if you want to have someone conduct interviews on your behalf, that will really give you some depth around these areas. And then the follow-up that you do on those will certainly be a starter for being able to have those conversations.

SARAH GREEN: And just as we’re sort of wrapping up here, I’m just wondering, I sort of think of these in my head as like the big three irritating things people do at work. But how common are they, really, in your experience? Is one more common than the other? Are they all pretty common? Are they all pretty rare?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: I think they’re all pretty common. But I would say, at least in my anecdotal realm of work, having worked with leaders for 10 years now as an executive coach, probably the one that I see the most is the one around micromanagement. And I think there’s a natural inflection point for a lot of high performers as they move off from being an individual contributor to a manager, and then to an actual enterprise leader, to learn what it means to manage at those levels.

And a lot of times, it is about letting go of some the micromanagement tendencies. I mean, when you think about it, when you’re an individual contributor, you’re micromanaging yourself. So who cares, right?

SARAH GREEN: Right.

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: But when you are a leader and you now have hundreds and maybe thousands of people that roll up to you, the impact of micromanaging really has a ripple effect. So this is one that I probably see more so than others. However, I will say the significance of all the three that you’ve brought up are equally weighted around the effectiveness that it can give to a leader throughout their career.

SARAH GREEN: Yeah. Well, as you were saying that, it was occurring to me, if someone doesn’t have a lot of emotional intelligence or comes across as passive-aggressive, they may not even get the opportunity to lead. I mean, who would promote that person?

MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS: Right. Exactly. And you know, I think the thing with the emotional intelligence and the passive-aggressive one is if when you do have a leader who behaves this way, what you’ll often find is that it then cycles through the culture of the organization. Because they set the tone. So you can actually pinpoint an organization, saying, that’s a passive-aggressive culture, or that’s a culture where emotional intelligence is not valued. So then, when you’re at a leadership position, it really then becomes a decision and not just your own behavior, but what type of culture do you want to drive in this organization?

SARAH GREEN: Hm. Well, this has been enormously helpful. Hopefully none of us actually are doing these things. And to the extent that we are, hopefully we can now stop doing them. Muriel, thank you so much.