Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

“It’s a long story. I got that guy bugging me, I got girl trouble, I got skank trouble, and I haven’t soloed in sixteen hours.”

“You were playing your guitar when I picked you up.”

“I mean in front of paying crowds.”

“Sure.”

“It doesn’t count, otherwise.”

“Right. Back to Kim Jong-Un. You can’t hang out with him. You have built up a lot of goodwill; this would not help.”

“I’m not hanging out with him! He’s obsessed with me. He hacked my Instagram account.”

“How’d he do that?”

“He’s got hackers! He’s from Only Korea.”

“Only Korea?”

“North Korea. I meant North Korea.”

“John, none of this is what I want to hear. You are on the cusp of a mid-career resurgence. This solo album hits, and you’re huge again. You want to be People‘s Sexiest Man Alive 2017?”

“I want that so badly, Irving.”

“Well, nightclubbing with dictators is not the way to get it.”

“I’ve tried to get rid of him. I don’t think he’s used to people telling him ‘no.’ He kinda just doesn’t process it.”

“Hmm, yeah. Don Henley does that.”

“The fat bastard’s insinuated himself, Irving. He insinuated, and now he’s all up in there. He’s having summit meetings with President Katy Perry; that is, when she’s not letting fading limey movie stars thwop their uncut dongs on her back. And Taylor Swift is now in charge of the Only Korean, DAMMIT, North Korean air force.”

“Are you taking drugs, John?”

“Irving.”

“Bad drugs, I mean. Are you taking bad drugs, John?”

“Irving.”

“Did the Grateful Dead do this to you?”

…

“Let’s go to a toy story and buy a doll, so you can show me on it where the Grateful Dead touched you.”

“I feel like you’re making fun of me.”

“A little bit. You need to concentrate, though. Very important to follow the plan and not get distracted.”

“Absolutely. Am I in Phish yet?”

“I said ‘don’t get distracted’ literally two seconds ago.”

“Irving, I made it perfectly clear that I wanted to be in Phish.”

“I ran up a trial balloon.”

“And?”

“They named the balloon ‘John,’ and said it couldn’t join the band.”

“Ow.”

“John, the end of this year is huge for you. Big press. Big shows. Album. We increase your fanbase and concurrent asking price so that next summer, when you play with your little hippie buddies, you play even bigger venues. You can’t be chasing around every jam band you see.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

…

“Are you thinking about asking Kim Jong-Un to have Trey assassinated?”

“Wow. How did you know that so fast?”

“I’m quite literally in charge of the American music industry. I’m a smart guy. Don’t have Trey assassinated, please.”