'15 Goals:

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime artist next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparation A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

cnlifeasitis

posted: 3/2/2007 at 5:02 PM

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't wastethem on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - Kebab in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got

The customer only wanted half a head of lettuce, and insisted the stock boy check with the manager before denying his request.
The boy approached his boss. "Some moron wants to buy half a head of lettuce," he said. Just then he saw that the customer was standing right behind him. "And this gentleman," he added quickly, "has kindly offered to buy the other half."
Later the manager said, "That was some pretty quick thinking. Tell me, where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Really? And why did you leave?"
"Because there's nobody up there but tramps and hockey players."
"I see," said the manager. "You know, my wife is from Canada."
"Really?" said the boy. "What team did she play for?"
____________________
One day a wealthy 75-year-old man was shopping in an upscale boutique with his young knockout wife when he ran into an old buddy of his. Eyeing the curvy blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the acquiaintance asked, "How on earth did an old geezer like you land a wife like that?"
The old man whispered back, "It was easy. I told her I was 90."
__________________
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the machine at the uphostery shop?
He's completely recovered now.
___________________
Stan was tired from fishing all morning, so he went in for a nap. His wife, Joyce, took the boat out onto the lake and sat in it reading a book. After about half an hour, the sheriff pulled alongside in his motorboat. "Ma'am," he siad, "I'm sorry, but you're in a restricted fishing area."
"But I'm not fishing," Joyce objected. "I'm just reading my book."
"Maybe, but you have all the equipment," said the sheriff. "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
"Fine," siad Joyce, "but I'll be charging you with sexual assault"
"What?" snapped the outraged sheriff. "I haven't even touched you!"
"True," Joyce replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

If you receive an email entitled " Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk!
.
*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***! And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone!!! ! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

'15 Goals:

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this...
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
Latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
She answered, "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working...

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup, accompanyied by his wife.
The doctor checks him out and then says, "We're going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample".
The old man, hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "What did he say?"
His wife shouts back in his ear: "He wants your underwear"

Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the Net
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.”
8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
2. The last mate you picked up was a JPEG.
1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.
You succeed.

The TOP 10 Things We Wanted To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's
Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star
Wars Prequels.
10. You don't need to see my g*ddamn identification, 'cause these
ain't the motherf***in' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause
I wouldn't eat the filthy motherf***er.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively,
have to kill every last motherf***in' stormtrooper in the room...
accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the f**k we gonna
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherf***er.
5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce
on What? BOCCE MOTHERF***ER DO YOU SPEAK IT!?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Sh*t, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother
gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad MotherF***er.'

On your deathbed, you won't wish that you'd spent more time at the office. But you will wish that you'd spent more time running. Because if you had, you wouldn't be on your deathbed.