Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

More than a dozen states are pushing to make gold and silver coins as legal tender. The other states are just waiting for the inevitable when the peso and yuan become the official U.S. currencies.

More than a dozen states are pushing to make gold and silver coins as legal tender. The rest are satisfied to let people buy cheap imported products with the even cheaper U.S. currency made of paper, copper and nickel.

Newspaper circulation is up for the first time in more than a decade. Either people are becoming nostalgic for the days of getting their news from reading the morning edition while having breakfast, or a lot of puppies have recently been adopted.

Broadcasters are worried about what are being called “zero television households” where people are getting all their TV viewing off the Internet. Either that or they have just shot their TV while watching “The Kardashians”.

Thieves in German have stolen five tons of the chocolate spread Nutella. There is probably a market for it there. These are the same people who can’t get enough polka and sauerkraut.

NASA says it is not returning to the Moon any time soon. The agency says it is concentrating on sending manned missions to Mars and an asteroid. Which means whatever object their rocket happens to run into.

A report says that more doctors are going bankrupt. The only ones with a thriving business anymore are the ones Charlie Sheen visits to write him some prescriptions.

A report says that more doctors are going bankrupt. Apparently the economy is so bad that people can’t afford to become morbidly obese anymore.

Google Glasses are already being banned from strip clubs. How ugly are the women in a club where you have to take a wearable computer to watch Internet videos instead of the strippers?

A hospital group says that Emergency Room alarms are linked to patient deaths. Mostly because the staff usually just ignores them until the patient can’t hold the button down anymore.

A hospital group says that Emergency Room alarms are linked to patient deaths. Mostly because the only alarm anyone pays any attention to is the one that detects which patients don’t have medical insurance.

A Venezuelan presidential candidate has put a curse on those voting for his rival. Which is different in the U.S. where voters are cursed no matter whom they vote for in an election.

A study says that U.S. fliers are more fed up with airlines than ever before. Ironically, they are also less fed up than ever since airlines started charging passengers for any in-flight meals.

New York City is billing a cyclist $1,200 for damage to a police car that ran into him. That will make the cyclist think twice about wrecking a muffler next time he is dragged under a police cruiser.

New York City is billing a cyclist $1,200 for damage to a police car that ran into him. Which is still cheaper than driving a car and having to pay for a parking ticket in Manhattan.

The IRS says it will be conducting audits based on information they see on Facebook and Twitter. Immediately after the announcement Wesley Snipes closed out all his social media accounts.

A New York man was awarded $1.6 Million from flooding that brought back a childhood fear of frogs. That could be bad news for the circus when they remind all the adults in attendance about how creeped out they feel every time they see a clown.

A study says that hearing loss can be tied to loud music. Apparently the study was done by your mother.

Lancaster, California is set on becoming the “solar capital of the universe.” Wouldn’t the real solar capital in the universe be the Sun?

Lancaster, California is set on becoming the “solar capital of the universe.” Apparently that sounds a lot better than their current slogan of “Last stop until Bakersfield.”

A study of what makes males attractive says that size does matter. Especially when it comes to the size of the house, pool and stock portfolio.

United Airlines came in last in a survey by the flying public. Apparently the airline finished somewhere between American Airlines and Guantanamo Bay.

United Airlines came in last in a survey by the flying public. Although the good news is they just missed beating out Wells Fargo stage coaches.

A Hooters waitress is suing the restaurant, claiming that her appearance after brain surgery cost her job. Which is ironic in that most Hooters waitresses only get their job in the first place after they get some surgery done.

A Hooters waitress is suing the restaurant, claiming that her appearance after brain surgery cost her job. Customers were shocked. Hooters waitresses have brains?

Fox says it may move to become a pay cable channel. Although who wouldn’t pay for the chance to continue the quality programming Fox has given us over the years like “The Littlest Groom”, “Temptation Island” and “Who’s Your Daddy”?

A survey says that some skin cancer survivors are still using tanning salons. So who wants to have the undertaker use fake bake on them when they are on display in their coffin?

A study says that music training and language skills enhance one another. Apparently the researchers have never listened to any Bob Dylan records.

A study says that watching TV may cause teens to become overweight. Apparently the study was conducted by researchers at the University of the Obvious.

A study says that frequent eating by kids as opposed to three meals a day is tied to less weight gain. Apparently obesity is tied to fewer meals, especially the kids who have one meal that starts when they wake up and ends when they go to bed.

American and Canadian universities are getting average grades for how much their medical laboratories are helping the poor. What’s worse is that most the poor people are the ones who are still trying to pay off their college tuition bills.

Ousted “American Idol” contestant Burnell Taylor says he “could feel elimination in his stomach” during his final show. People haven’t had the feeling of elimination in their digestive tract since Simon Cowell was still on the show.

Judge Judy has had her contract extended through 2017. The only good thing about that is her producers wouldn’t let her move the show to a state that still has the death penalty.

Former Mouseketeer Annette Funicello has died at age 70. She helped make wearing big ears popular way before both Prince Charles and Ross Perot.

Cleveland Indians Manager Terry Francona got lost walking two blocks to the team’s home opener. Which is interesting in that most the Indians players wander around aimlessly whey they are trying to get to home.

Researchers say the heart has odor receptors. Which explains why there is such a high rate of heart disease in New Jersey.

A California judge has ruled that it is illegal to use smartphone maps while driving. Just when we finally found some technology that would actually get men where they were going without having to try to get them to pull over and ask for directions.

A California judge has ruled that it is illegal to use smartphone maps while driving. So apparently that means that law abiding citizens will just text ahead while driving to figure out how to get there.

NASA says that Mars is missing most of its atmosphere. Which means that to colonize the planet we will have to send people from a similar environment, like Houston.

The IRS says it is considering taxing perks like free food offered at Google and other tech firms. The companies claim it’s an investment because if their employees went to eat at Taco Bell, they would have to pay for medical bills and lost time at work.

A poll says that Americans favor Congress giving back 5-25% of their pay because of the sequester. How about giving all of it back until they pay off the $16 Trillion debt they piled up?

A poll says that Americans favor Congress giving back 5-25% of their pay because of the sequester. Members of Congress are good with that since most the money they make comes from wealthy donors, lobbyists and assorted bribes.

A study says that texting while driving is becoming more common. Remember when the most dangerous thing you could do with your thumbs on the road was hitchhike?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate you reading the blog, but if you would really like to make me happy you can donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. You send the money, and I’ll send the love!