California Police Bust Underground Straw Kingpin

In the first major bust since cities in the state started banning the use and distribution of plastic straws, California police have arrested notorious straw kingpin Emily “Sips” Beckett in a raid on Tuesday.

While police have taken the underground strawlord into custody, they believe Beckett’s crime ring is still supplying children throughout the area with a fun and efficient way to drink their favorite beverages.

“That slimeball had her greasy fingers in all kinds of dirt — juice box straws, color-changing straws, those big curly straws that come in a variety of crazy shapes,” said Detective Vic Wonderson of the nefarious fourth grader. “Yup, this scumbag is going away for a long time.”

Seattle became the first U.S. city to put a plastic straw ban into effect in early July in an effort to be more environmentally friendly. Cities throughout California are now following suit, but opponents of the ban say it will only lead to an increase in organized crime, the likes of which have not been seen since the Prohibition era.

“There’s already illicit straw factories cropping up all over town,” said San Francisco politician Nadia Rosen. “Kids are out on the street corners sucking up milkshakes until their eyeballs pop out. Just this week we’ve had over a dozen hospitalized with brain freeze.”

Despite these setbacks, law enforcement officials count Beckett’s arrest as a success, saying the state is safer with her behind bars.

“Even if she only gets a year, the other prisoners won’t let her out of there alive,” added Wonderson. “We all know what they do to straw dealers in the big house.”