Thursday, May 5, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: HAMBURGER THE MOTION PICTURE

Crank here, since this is USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK I managed to convince Hollywood High's #1 fan Sharky into writing this very special review for you the TOG readers. There isn't a shitty teen movie this guy hasn't seen, anytime I need advice on a trashy flick to check out I go to Paul. There are only a few others I trust on the planet when it comes to a recommendation other than my best pal Skunkape and I consider Paul an authority on rare schlocky teen flicks. He's also a major part of the Bay Area garage scene with incredible bands like The Swiss Family Skiers, Larry and the Angriest Generation, Thee Slobsters (which I joined for a minute or two) and The Teutonics just to name a few. So without further interruptions on with the review.

I grew up on this movie, and It helped warp my "brains". When It first came out I didn't know anything about the birds, and the bees. I first watched it on Skin-A-Max late at night in all it's uncensored glory in around 1987 I was 12 years old and there was no internet and no sex education only HAMBURGER THE MOVIE (and maybe a Sears, or JC pennies catalog's lingerie section).

Anyways, this movie was played again and again on HBO or CINEMAX and after it got old on pay cable that it moved to USA UP ALL NIGHT! For years this movie was played, and played, and played on cable TV, all though the late 80's and early 90's almost every week it was on at least once, and for good reason; IT RULES!!!!!

Don't be afraid to speak into the giant cartoonish green penis

Why does it rule? Well you take the subject of fast food, and mix it in with Police Academy style shenanigans, then add a whole lot of Dick Butkus being an extremely offensive ass hole and what do you got? You've got a fuckin laff riot!!

Butkus plays bad guy Drill Sargent Ben Drootin. He manages to offend almost everybody imaginable with racist slurs galore! Which plays out kind of like a very unloveable Don Rickles. But oh well, it's all just a part of the 80's fun and makes you hate him all the more. Seriously if you think of yourself as having a fancy pants easily offended PC brain youse bess leave that shit out side! Because Dick don't play and will bitch slap your pussy ass!

NO WHAMMIES, STOP!

This is probably why you will never see this movie being released on DVD, BLU-RAY and or streaming on Netflix! But it's totally available on Youtube for a limited time.

The begining theme song will stick in your brain for the rest of your life! Which is "a ok" by me, it's a pretty good song. "HAMBURGERS BORN AMERICA!!!!". Trust me it was 30 years almost since I first seen this movie and the theme song still has never once left my head!

They never leave your colon either!

Ok, so this movie is seriously one of the funniest movies ever, better than Police Academy 1 maybe not better than Police Academy 2 though, but anyways it's hilarious! So Russell, the main character played by Leigh McClosky has a problem; sex has ruined his life!! He has been kicked out of almost every college. McClosky has worked with Dario Argento, sporting a feathered haircut and a fruity mustache for Inferno and then starred in this right after Just One Of The Guys. How can he help it if at his last school all the women classmates (female teachers too) find him irresistible! So after getting kicked out of college for the 100th time he watches a commercial for Buster Burgers, and Buster Burger Academy.Where you can learn how to become a Buster Burger Manager! I like how there's a school designed for any high school burnout to learn. Russell figures "No way am I going to be able to get laid wearing one of those uniforms!! PERFECT!" So he decides to attend this program of higher learning. But even with his new fast food employee uniform--women still find him irresistible! It's terrible!! One of his class mates named Conchita Margarita (Maria Richwine) tries to rape him! So he plays gay like Jack Tripper, and she spits at him and leaves him alone, which is awesome! Russell finally figures out what to do just incase a sexy lady tries to bang his brains out!

Wake up covered in secret sauce, smelling like slimy meat

Now lets talk a little bit about his classmates. They are all a bunch of hilarious stereotypical sex comedy rejects, you have the nerdy guy who is obsessed with everything Buster Burgers, you have a Little Richard rip off guy named Magneto Jones (played by Chip McAlister), a con artist used car salesman sexaholic type guy named Fred Domino who's played by Sandy Hackett son of legendary comedian Buddy Hackett. In an example of offensive racist hijinks check out his dad Buddy's novelty song Chinese Rock and Egg Roll. To round out the cast, there's a nun, a fat guy who has to shock himself whenever he sees food so he can control his gluttony.

SHOCK TREATMENT CHAIN REACTION DIET!

Russell ends up falling for Mrs. Vunk, one of his professors played by the super hot Randi Brooks (she's also Dick Buttkiss' steady gal pal). Brooks played the squeaky voiced hooker in The Man with Two Brains who Steve Martin almost injects with window cleaner. She is cute, and seems like a nice decent non slutty chick, so they hit it off!! Which pisses off Drootin who had plans on marrying her!!

don't mind me I'm just flossing with rib bones

Dick gets a shit ton of hilarious revenge on Russell (McCloskey) for stealing his girl, and it's funny as shit!! Ok, so this story sounds pretty awesome so far huh? Well it's about to get 800 fuckin' times mo better!! Because this class at the Buster Burger University is about to graduate, and they are all going to become real life fast food managers!! But before they can do that they all must prove themselves by running a real life BB franchise restaurant which sounds easy enough (I mean shit we all worked fast food as teenagers and that shit was easy right!)? Well it just got fucked up because evil Dick Buttkus is back, and he has a plan to screw the graduating students up royally! He sends a eating club to the restaurant,a truck load of chickens crashes into the place. Luckily one of them lands in a fryer, the nun takes a bite and the Dean of the school dubs her "The Frying Nun" and pulls everyone's nuggets out of the fryer so to speak.

What did the Dick say to the Butt, Dick-butt-kiss!

Drootin using the intercom Pickle that takes orders, manages to offend the shit out of a black motorcycle policeman who ends up fucking more shit up for our heros. He calls him an "afro plunging peter cheese" (which just sounds all kinds of wrong). Ok well anyways, you get the drift. This movie is NOT TO MISSED! I sat though this one everytime it was on while flipping through the stations on my cable box, and loved it all through the late 80's to the mid 90's. I don't want to ruin all the funny bits for you, just watch it!! It's just buster good!