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Savage Love

Two guys beating off in a hotel room? Sounds pretty gay to me.

I'm a 21-year-old gay male. My friend "Marcelo" is friends with "Chad." Everyone who meets Chad assumes he's gay. Never had a girlfriend, a dance major, got up at 2 a.m. to watch Kate marry William — I could go on. Over four years at college, this situation has gone from funny to sad as we realize he could pull a Marcus Bachmann and live a miserable life with a miserable wife. Last night, Marcelo was on Grindr and got a message from a guy who turned out to be Chad! Chad sent a face pic, Marcelo sent a faceless one back, they chatted. It turns out that Chad is experienced enough to carry on a detailed conversation about his homosex likes and dislikes. Should we say something to Chad? Would letting him know he's been outed be the best course?

Closet Case Confusion

Chad hasn't "been outed." Chad outed himself.

Before Al Gore invented the Internet and ruined everything, a college-age closet case had to visit the campus gay bar if he wanted some dick. The closet case knew he was running a risk, but it was the only way to get some dick. So the pre-Grindr closet case would, after pounding shots to self-medicate against his inhibitions, wind up shirtless on the dance floor making out with some dude.

There was a code of conduct for friends of closet cases when I was in college — which was just a couple of years before Grindr came along (cough, cough). One section dealt with dance-floor make-out sessions: If you saw a guy who told you he was straight making out with some dude in the campus gay bar, you had a right — no, a responsibility — to tap him on the shoulder and say, "Welcome out, dude."

And if you had engaged in a little subterfuge — if you, say, ducked behind a post when you saw the closet case come in so he wouldn't spot you and flee the gay bar — that was a forgivable sin.

Chad is doing the Grindr-era equivalent of making out with a random dude on the dance floor of a campus gay bar. What Marcelo did was the Grindr-era equivalent of ducking behind a post. And Marcelo has a right — no, a responsibility — to tap Chad on the shoulder and, without any sense of malice or triumph, say, "Welcome out, Chad."

I'm an 18-year-old male who enjoys a bit of crossdressing and pegging. My girlfriend endorses these interests, and I love her for that. Recently, a hot 22-year-old gay guy told me he was interested. I tried to tell him I was in a relationship, but we kissed. It sucked ass: His stubble hurt and he used too much tongue. Do I tell my girlfriend? I worry that telling will cause distrust, and that distrust will ruin a great three-year run.

Now Over Transient Bisexual Interests

First, I'm wondering what would've gone down (you perhaps?) if the gay dude you made out with — after you tried so very, very hard to tell him you were in a relationship — didn't have a rough beard or use too much tongue.

Second, a girlfriend who endorses crossdressing and pegging is a girlfriend who might have endorsed a boy-on-boy make-out session. (Particularly if she could watch.) If you'd had the decency to ask for her permission, you wouldn't have to ask for her forgiveness.

Third, you should discuss this with your girlfriend, but I don't think you must. You're 18, you're not married, you (briefly) kissed a boy, and you didn't like it. If you think coming clean would destroy your relationship and you're sure it's never going to happen again, stuff this one up your memory hole.

Fourth, if you do talk with your girlfriend, you might not wanna emphasize the beard/tongue details. Not unless you want your girlfriend wondering the same thing I did.

I (middle-aged, married, straight guy) recently attended a business conference where I ran into an old friend (middle-aged, married, straight guy). He came to my room for a moment, noticed a camera on a small tripod, and asked what I was shooting. Emboldened by a few beers, I told him about my hotel-room routine: Shoot myself naked and masturbating, then upload pics to an exhibitionist website. He then shared his little secret: He gets naked in hotel rooms and masturbates while spanking himself with his belt. You can see where this is going: I whacked his ass while he took photos of me. There was no physical contact, but his Catholic guilt came out afterward, and he started going on about how he had just had gay sex and cheated on his wife. To me, it was masturbation. Did we cheat on our wives? Or was this just a wank with a few toys?

Spank And Wank

Yes, readers, this could be a fake. Every letter could be a fake.

Two guys beating off in a hotel room? Sounds pretty gay to me. If a woman offered to help me out with my solo hotel-room routine — mostly blogging and watching MSNBC, sadly — that scene would be too straight for me to get aroused.

It's possible that your enjoyment of exhibitionism is so pure that the gender of the persons involved is irrelevant. That's not the case with my kinks, nor does it appear to be the case with your buddy. And considering your friend's kink (punishment) and his faith (Catholic), I'm thinkin' he has a few forbidden desires — perhaps gay ones. It may not have been gay for you, but it was gay for him.

As for whether what went down in that hotel room constitutes cheating, show your wife the pictures and ask her.

CONFIDENTIAL TO KOMEN: Fire the execs responsible, Nancy Brinker and Karen Handel, please. And to my readers: Planned Parenthood is under relentless attack, and even a small donation makes a difference: tinyurl.com/ppsavlove.