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Southern Rail Set to Step up Cancellation Game in Desperate Bid to Stay Sh*tter Than Ryanair

Southern Rail bosses have ordered staff to get their act together and start cancelling more trains as Ryanair edges closer to claiming their ‘King of the cancellations’ top spot.

Leaked documents obtained by the Brighton Bulletin, show senior management are nervously monitoring the Ryanair situation. Emails pleading with staff to ‘show some god damn desire’ and to do their level best to p*ss off commuters further, have also been leaked.

An unnamed source at Southern said, ‘we have done our absolute best over the last year to achieve a level of incompetence never seen before. Everyone thought we would never be caught but all this Ryanair stuff has put everyone one edge. A lot of effort went into being this shite and bosses are desperate not to let Ryanair win, everyone has been instructed to give their all to ensure our service get worse over the coming weeks’.

Meanwhile the top brass at Ryanair are frantically trying to get hold of ‘Eddie the work experience kid’ to take control of their twitter.