Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I am dislexic and high on drugsI am innocent and full of lovedeception and despairwithout themi am without carei have a reasonallthought i am unsurei think its my seasoni think its a cure

Purple Cow Poem

knock knockwho are youknock knockmoowhat are you doingi can't understandwho are youwhat are you mani am my dreamsand so it would seemi think i am gladi think i have hada good deala great daybeing a cowi have to grazethe grass is purpleand so you will knowi am the purple cowyou will know where i go

PHD

I have a phdi study something differenti study philosophyi study the way you study meso what is my nameand what will i changedoes it matteris it truei've been told a lieits my faultis it my faulti trusted you

All of the above were written by someone named "aaron," who runs the site WWW.NEW NAVY.U$ and who feels extremely passionate about nuclear submarines, cheese, Jesus, the Moon, and myriad others. Here's his "12 step recovery program:"

get out of the navy (any possible way, multiple links from this site)

lie to people for personal advancement (you are only offsetting what others have done for you)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

In case you didn't know, my mom, one Stephanie Lurie, now works at Hyperion Books, Disney's official book publishing house. According to her, there are LCD screens mounted on every wall, each one playing WALL-E in a constant loop. Employees must take mandatory vacations to Disney World every few months and get through the doors for free. Also, the reanimated corpse of Disney himself serves them gold-encrusted Bambi steak on a plate made of Jew bones, as old Walt would have wanted.

But—oh-ho!—that is not all, dear blog reader! Indeed, there is more than meets the eye:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

It's a cold November morn, but not inside the WECB studio where MATT and ERICA are hard at work, inventing "Dentist Tennis."MATT, rubbing his brow: There! Our robot son is complete. I'll name him "Dentist Tennis."ERICA: Cool.M: He's also a sport! Isn't that right, sport?DENTIST TENNIS, dentist-like: BZZT- FIFTEEN, LOVEM: We love you too.E: Hey, can he fix my tooth? She pulls a rat out of the back of her mouth.M: It's worth a try! He throws it in DT's mouthDT: TOOTH DOES NOT COMPUTH He explodes.E: Cool.Suddenly, MANAGEMENT opens the door and enters the studio.MANAGEMENT: You guys are canceled.

So now that the election's over, there's nothing left for you to worry about. No, none of our country's problems have actually gone away, but you're safe with the knowledge that Saviorbama will fix all of that with his multi-racial magic.

But for some reason, you're still anxious. Why? From whence comes this inescapable feeling of dread, this swarthy sea of trepidation? Was it that hobo you accidentally made skin contact with? Is is that banana you left in a suitcase last used four months ago? Are people talking about Beanie Babies again?

No!* You just don't know What's the MATTer with AmERICA tonight! Well, maybe you do (probably more than us), but you're still wondering what excuse to share embarrassingly personal stories and somewhat obscure songs Erica and Matt will give tonight. Well, tonight's theme is...

MUSIC

That's right, we're breaking new ground and doing a show during which we do a show. That draft around the back of your head? Yeah, it's because your MIND'S JUST BEEN BLOWN SUCKA

-Us (or U.S., if you want to keep doing this far-fetched pun thing, which you do; shut up, yes you do, take it like a man)

*We are not held accountable for your nebulous and profound inner fear.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Sometimes, when browsing the Internet, I'll open a website in a new tab and promptly forget about it. Sometimes that tab will be open all day. Sometimes I'll keep my computer's sound muted while I'm out.

But only once have I returned to my computer, turned the volume back up, and listened to the fartacular sound of endless prime number shitting for ten minutes without being able to find the culprit. Today was that one time.

Still, I can't stay mad at something so mathematical. I mean, look at those unilateral eyes. Don't you just want one of your own? What? You don't? Well, how about this:YEAH I BET YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE NERDY NUMBER BEAR NOW HUH

Sunday, November 2, 2008

And here's Prawn, Frouty, and Fuck That:These are some of the lovable results possible when you turn your name into a face. The website certainly speaks for itself, but there are a couple things worth pointing out. First, the site's domain is somewhere in Germany, which, if you look at the sinister and placid expressions on these namefaces, makes a lot of sense. Second, the algorithm for determining face makeup is pretty weird. For example:

"B" is your average German alleyway thug:"Bu" is a little older, lavenderer:"But" apparently likes a lot of caffeine in his "t:""Butt" wants to vomit that extra "t":And "Butts" is, well, a robot:

Of course. Look out for the next post: "turning your face into a name!"

-Matt

PS- I think that "Butts is a robot" is something I've always secretly wanted to write.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

1:58- arrive in studio, sing along with "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas2:01- start show playing "Summer Hair = Forever Young" by The Academy Is, don't know if equipment is working2:02- Erica's transformation begins, but neither of us is aware of it... yet2:03- Erica thinks there's something wrong with Matt2:05- there's an intense "breeze"2:08- say "great" at the same time and leave the air silent for about three seconds OOPS2:10- Erica realizes she didn't turn the studio microphones down, so everyone could hear us asking why we couldn't hear the music and luckily not screaming "FUCKING SHIT CUNT"2:11- listeners actually hear "Let it Roll" by All Time Low2:13- Matt does an awful Australian Daniel Craig impression and says some risky things about Jews2:15- play "Shut Up and Smile" by Bowling for Soup2:17- Erica's transformation shows no physical signs, but there's a slight odor akin to old gazpacho floating around the studio2:19- play "The Truth Is" by The Early November2:20- Matt realizes that he will have to start live-blogging about live-blogging and hopes that he doesn't accidentally refer to himself in the third person on air, then realizes that he'll probably do whatever he writes down so he starts making a list:

propose to Erica

sing a song about poverty

tell an embarrassing truth

He'll add more to the list later, he guesses.2:22- Matt's lucky time! (His birthday is 2/22)2:23- Erica mouths "I love you so much that it hurts" along with the song to Matt; uncomfortable silence abounds2:25- Matt proposes to Erica, Erica says yes, but ruins the engagement by mentioning Easter, Matt gives her the rest of the show to win his heart back2:27- new segment: What's the Matter with America on What's the MATTer with AmERICA; we give three stories: one about Skinheads who killed 88 black people being jailed only after plotting to assassinate Obama, one fictional one about a man who killed himself in Dubai, and one about a boy in Massachussets who shot himself in the head with an uzi2:29- Matt asks Erica "What IS the Matter with America?" her response: "Wild."2:30- Dr. Pepper is apprently NOT a racist2:32- play "Burn this City" by Cartel2:34- Erica tranformation update: Matt can feel something small wrapping around his legs, he looks down and sees nothing, his thoughts go to the wandering janitor2:36- play "Head Up" by Sugarcult2:37- Erica finds a love note in the studio, from one vague party to another2:38- Matt finds a love note in his heart2:39- janitor finds a love note in a bottle of whiskey2:41- Matt reads some of Erica's Zombie haiku2:44- Matt actually sings/raps a song about poverty and Pop-Tarts2:45- Matt shares an embarrassing story about freestyling2:47- talk about the Evil Dead trilogy2:49- play "Out of My Way" by Damone2:51- Erica is nearly half-transformed, yet still unaware of her new body2:52- play "Stay Out" Hit the Lights2:54- MY GOD A WEASEL IN THE STUDIO IT'S IN OUR CLOTHES2:55- siiiiiiiiike nah2:56- Matt laughs without smiling2:57- Matt makes Mario/monkey sounds2:58- Matt does more stupid shit, probably2:59- sing "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi, sort of2:59- play "Endlessly Covered by Kyle Patrick3:00 Erica realizes what she's transforming into: an egret3:02- play "Getaways Turned Holidays" by Meg and Dia3:03- more promises:

speak French

play 3 sound effects in a row

premiere new segment: "How Do You Know You're Listening to WtMwA?"

3:05- Matt and Erica burp at the same time3:05- decide that there's a Bizarro version of our show somewhere3:06- French and faux-French mumblings3:08- ways to tell you're listening to What's the Matter with America (and Matt talks about himself in the third person [he told you so!]):

we mess up

we talk about messing up

Matt comes close to cursing/ruining the show

you hear a song we meant to play later on in the show too early

3:10- practice saying "What Erica Woke Up with in Her Head this Morning"3:12- play "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin3:14- Erica's beak is developing nicely3:16- play "Rooftops (The Liberation's Broadcast)" by Lostprophets3:19- OK NOT MUCH ACTUALLY HAPPENS AT 3:19 THURSDAY MORNING SORRY3:20- play "Shine On" by Needtobreathe3:21- Matt starts to cry for no reason, accepts Erica's donation of new eyes3:22- Erica says "IF I CAN'T WIN YOUR HEART BACK I'LL JUST STEAL IT OUT OF YOUR CHEST3:23- more body problems: Erica's assymetrical collarbone bothers her3:24- Erica discusses her Germanic-depressive episode3:26- people keep passing by the door and freaking us the fuck out3:27- thoughts about playing the whole of Ferris Bueller's Day Off for a show3:28- play "Damn Regrets" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus3:30- Erica molts, gross3:31- play "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run3:34- Erica finishes reading the live blog so far, Matt doesn't have the energy to post about reading about posting about talking3:35- play "Brat Pack" by The Rocket Summer (Matt actually loves this song)3:36- Matt and Erica can actually sing along with the same song, which is a first3:37- realize that we have a lot more time than usual and decide to add in a song on the fly3:39- play three sound effects, come up with story about children cheering about exploding clowns3:40- Erica perpetuates myths about Matt3:41- mention Richard "Douchebag" Dawkins3:42- play added song: "I'm a Ghost" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists3:44- Erica lays an egg (what could be inside?)3:46- Matt falsettos and no one hears him3:47- play "Jump" by Simple Plan3:48- Oh no! There's a spill! But who will save us? Where's the janitor?!3:49- Who's that mystery man? It's... It's... SUPER JANITOR (his cape is made out of coffee filters)3:50- Super Janitor is kind of a dick3:51- play "Stay Young" by We the Kings3:52- turn down the lights, hot hot action or something3:53- Erica forgets she's supposed to win Matt's heart back3:54- Erica apologizes, the wedding is back on, hooray3:55- end the show with "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance3:57- the egg hatches into an "R"3:58- "R" + "egret" = Regret!3:59- bird of regret flies away4:00- we're done!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Theme: Bands I've seen live and singing songs about forgetting your problems and living for the moment. All the while Matt will liveblog and I'll make up Zombie Haiku on air. (Zombie Haiku= related because they are alive again)

Why you should listen: First of all, why not? Second, because I said so. Third, it will make you dance and not want to go to sleep.