Tuesday, March 31, 2009

.After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

.My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

After they get their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger andsays, "Kemo Sabe, look toward sky. What you see?".The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.""What that tell you?" asks Tonto.The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxiesand potentially billions of planets..Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo..Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning..Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant..Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow..What's it tell you,Tonto?".Tonto shakes his head, then says,

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor,she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yearold what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled inthere in the first place. Spank him again!" :-}

Friday, March 20, 2009

This is an altered photo that I took a few years ago in the early morning in Auburn, WA. I was at a hotel, loading my car ,getting ready to leave, when I see a Majestic hot air balloon not far away. I watched it as it got closer, and closer - had to get my camera which was always close by in those days. It finally landed in a field right across the street from the hotel parking lot - it really made my day. Hope you enjoy it:

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I hope this furnished you with a smile rather than an unpleasant reality check. This post was meant to be a light hearted look at our present reality - please take it as such :-}Have A Great Day!OregonArtGuy

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

This is a classic that you may have read or heard before, but it's always funny - so I thought I'd share it with you - enjoy:

Tunce upon a wime in a corin funtry there was a cuge hassle, home of a prandsome hince who was a bonely lachelor. He decided it was time he mot garried, so he invited people from riles amound, especially the peach ripple, to a bancy fess drawl.One of the invitations went to the hig bouse in a tittle lown where Rindercella lived with her micked wepstother and her two sisty step uglers. Rindercella was a bavishing rooty, which made the sisty step uglers and the micked wepstother, who had a face that could clop a stock, jerry vellous. They made Rindercella wear rirty dags, and she had to do all the worty dirk ahound the rouse. She had to flop the mores, dosh the wishes, solish the pilver, loo the daundry and feen the pliercase, which got her covered in sashes and oot. That's how she not her game. Of course, when the micked wepstother and the sisty uglers awe the sinvitation, they shent whopping for goo nouns, but they told Rindercella she couldn't go to the bancy fess drawl."You stay home and chew the doors," said the micked wepstother. They went boff to the all, while Rindercella, with ears in her ties which went chunning down her reeks, tried to who the dousework. Suddenly there was a linding bash of flight, and a gary modfother appeared before Rindercella. "Cry are you whying, Rindercella?" asked the gary modfother. "Oh, hoo boo! My micked wepstother and sisty step uglers went to the prandsome hince's bancy fess drawl and made me hay stome," Rindercella mailed wournfully. "Well, crop stying," said the gary modfother. "You shall bo to the gall!" She waved her wagic mond, and Rindercella's rirty dags were burned into a gootiful town, she had a tanfastic dairhoo and on her feet were do tainty sass glippers.The gary modfother led Rindercella into the garden. With another wove of her waind, she turned a pig bumpkin into a cootiful boach, and the mield fice into six hite worses and two candsome hoachmen. "There, Rindercella," sea shed," now you can bo to the gall. But you must be mome before hidnight when the well spares off. "Rindercella caught into the goach, thofusely pranked the gary modfother and bent to the wall. When the prandsome hince spotted Rindercella, it was sove at lirst fight. They nanced the dight away, and Rindercella had hever been nappier. All sue tune, the strock cluck nidmight. Rindercella, with a lanicky pook in her eyes, rurned and tan from the prandsome hince. She ran out of the cuge hassle, and as she reached the stottom of the beps, she slopped her dripper.The prandsome hince ran after her, but he was slew tow. He spotted the glainty sass dipper on the steps, and fowed to vined the droman of his weams. The dext nay, he went from house to house (and you can't turn that around!) asking women to sly on the tripper. But it fidn't dit any of them. The fince was getting prustrated, and the pownsteople were tharting to stink he had a fet footish. Date in the lay, he rinally feached the house where Rindercella lived. He slied the tripper on the micked wepstother, and of course it fidn't dit. It fidn't dit on the sisty step uglers either (they all had fig beet). Then he tried Rindercella, ressed in drags as usual. "Thoo is hat?" he asked. "Oh, that's just Rindercella," said a sisty ugler. "She doesn't have any drancy fesses, so she didn't abend the tall." "Come here, Rindercella," ped the since, "and sly on the tripper. "She did, and the pipper slit ferfectly! So the prandsome hince masked her to arry him. "Of woarse I kill," she replied. They mot garried and happed livelly after ever. They had coo tids, a bandsome hoy and a gritty pearl. The storal of the morey is: If you want to marry your prandsome hince, “don’t forget to slop your dripper“.

I hope you have enjoyed this:-}

Have A Date Gray!

Seeya,

OregonArtGuySince my blog seems to have shifted from art to mostly humor - should I do away with the art altogether and change the name to..... oh I don't know.... OregonFunGi ? :-}

Thursday, March 12, 2009

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the su per natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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Still Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

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Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away fro m the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.Are Ya OK Now? - No?

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Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Friday, March 6, 2009

For those of you who thought yesterday's post might have been a little heavy handed and reeked of Testosterone - this litle scenario should help bring things back into perspective :-} Enjoy:

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

Cup of Tea ~ One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" :-}There - does that make up for yesterday?Have a Date Gray!Seeya,OregonArtGuy

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Here is a different take on the male/female relationship that I hope my feminine readers will enjoy - (If I live thru this it will be a miracle!). We present to you:

The Man Rules.....

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complai ning about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we hav e to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

** These rules are not necessarily the views of the management at OregonArtGuy - any similarity between any of these rules and my actual feelings are purely coincidental and will be denied to the death! :-}

Monday, March 2, 2009

It's difficult to imagine all of the possibilities for additions to "Murphy's Law", but here are ten you may not have heard before :-} Enjoy:

#10 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

# 9 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

# 8 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

# 7 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

# 6 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

# 5 The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. # 4 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

# 3 The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

# 2 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- And the #1 Lesser Known Murphy's Law is.....

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. :-}

About Me

I'm an over-the-hill, fat, balding guy - formerly a long-haired hippie freak, surfer dude, low-rider, guitar and bass playing band member who grew up in Southern California in the 50's when it was still an uncrowded nice place. My friends and I used to carry our rifles and shotguns down the street in broad daylight as we headed for the hills to go rabbit hunting and nobody gave it a second thought - my how times have changed. (I wouldn't think of shooting a rabbit or anything else anymore - I like alive things much more).
Now I'm disabled from of a host of maladies that I won't bore you with.
I've enjoyed the beauty of nature since I was a youngster, so now I enjoy: photography, and funny stuff, digital art, and funny stuff, flowers, and funny stuff, art, and funny stuff, and ,oh yeah - funny stuff :-} That about sums it up for me.
OregonArtGuy

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