Get Off Your Ass

I didn’t expect to post anything today because I wanted to get the site done. Ted Stevens decided to fuck that up too.

I’ve posted on internet neutrality before so I’m not gonna explain the concept again; expect to say that you want net neutrality. Otherwise AT&T, Verizon, et al, will institute “tiered access,” and jack up the price for the same service you’re receiving now.

On Thursday the Senate voted on a bill that contained a net neutrality provision. It deadlocked at 11 to 11. There have been some vocal opponents of net neutrality in the House and Senate, with Ted Stevens being the most vocal. You remember Ted? The crazy Senator from the great state of Alaska? (Just an aside, but why do Alaskans even need representation? There’s like, four of them, and I know they don’t have the internet yet)

I’m posting his transcribed speech courtesy of Wired.com. They have an mp3 of it as well. I will interject small comments parenthetically and bold them. I won’t say much, because I don’t wanna take anything away from Ted’ illuminating genuis. I’m so glad we have someone deciding the fate of the internet who understands it so well.

“There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right. (Uhhh, I guess so. I’m confused as to what you’re talking about but I’m sure it will all make sense…)

But this service isn't going to go through the interent and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free. (I’m guessing he’s talking about Netflix, but even their biggest plan only allows you to keep four discs at a time. Maybe he’s just confused. Please continue, Ted)

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet? (Personal internet? Okay, now he knows something I don’t…)

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? (Holy shit! Someone sent him a whole internet!!! How’s that even possible!)

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially. (Wait, they sent him an internet through the internet? And is the internet like rain forest with vines and trees hanging down so traffic gets “tangled?”)

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes. (What? I missed that last part because I was confirming an order from Amazon and scoping out some sweet comics at eBay. Did he say anything important?)

We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people [...]The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time. [?] (He’s right. I do not want Job or Agent Smith invading the internet.)

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. (Right. It’s a delivery sytem but it can’t handle dumpage. And watch out for the vines.)

It's a series of tubes. (What the fuck? Maybe he’s drunk.)

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. (Wait, I thought this was a speech about the internet? Does he think the internet works like the sewer system?)

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that? (Ummm, yes I did. In fact, the DOD owned the very first internet and intranet networks waaaaay back in the sixties. Our current lines are based on those primitive networks.)

Do you know why? (Ummm, to watch porn and bitch about movies like the rest of us?)

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed by other people. (Yeah!!! DOD employees need their porn NOW!)[...]Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves. (Again, the internet is not a sewer Captain Dipshit.)

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day. (Well slap my ass and call me Charlie. Did he really just say that a commercial network is not for consumers?)

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families. (I think he’s drunk again.)

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a viloation of net neutraility [sic] that hits you and me. (Please, please hold your applause.)"

I didn’t make any of that up. He really said all that idiotic shit. He reminds me of a crazy relative that you try real hard not to sit next to at Thanksgiving. The only difference is that he’s a senator and not an out-of-work handy-man.

Look, click on the banner on my right side-bar and learn about net neutrality. There’s a link on that page that takes you to an app that will let you email your Senator and you House Representative. Please write them. It doesn’t have to be long letter just tell them in one or two sentences to support net neutrality. This isn’t about wanting to get free stuff from legitimate companies. It’s to make sure those companies don’t destroy what we already have. Get off you ass, dammit.

It's Coming...

I’m bleary-eyed from working on the new blog. I’m certain it will come to no surprise to any of you who know me that the ready-made templates over at WordPress just didn’t do it for me. Hopefully you’ll like what I’ve done with the new site.

I’m a little uncertain about the pixel size of the page (that’s how large the page appears on the monitor). I’ve optimized it for people who have their resolution set at 1024 or higher because according to my stat counter and some articles I read recently that’s the most common resolution. If it gives you too much trouble and you really, really don’t wanna step into the 21 first century by setting your resolution higher, well, send me some mail and I’ll change it.

So go play with the new Hyperliterature and tell me what you think. Keep it mind I’m still fussing with it.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

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Delay

I’ve been working on the new site so I didn’t actually write anything tonight. My bad. Hopefully the new site will be up and running by Sunday night or Monday morning and we’ll never have to deal with Blogger again.

Friday, June 30, 2006

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Superman Returns: The Long Review (No Spoilers)

Usually after we watch a movie I try to write up some kind of review before I begin reading the critics’ articles. I want to make sure no one else influences my opinions, but after we saw “Superman Returns” I just had to see what other people had written. Frankly, their opinions have surprised me.

Many of the reviewers have taken umbrage with the fact that Superman seems much more alien than and not as bumbling as Christopher Reeve in the 1978 version. I actually liked this aspect of the movie. Routh’s performance accompanied by Singer’s direction reveals a small glimpse of the bumbling Clark Kent, enough to make it believable that a mere pair of glasses serves as a convincing disguise, but we don’t get so much of the slap-stick jackassery that it becomes distracting. A Superman movie should be fun, but not in a Buster Keaton kinda way.

One of the most interesting aspects of Superman arises from his heritage. Despite his desperate longing to be human Superman will always be an alien, and Singer’s film really emphasizes this conflict. For all intents and purposes Superman is a god, albeit a god that loves and respects the men he walks among. Singer’s Superman floats above Earth using his preternatural hearing to parse through the cacophony of humanity in order to locate and prevent disasters. For me, this is where Singer uniquely defines Superman against other Super-Heroes.

Peter Parker is nothing if not human. We like him because he hurts, bleeds, and mourns just like us. In Spider-Man 2 when Peter passes out after having saved the train from hurtling off the tracks, the passengers of the train, Peter’s fellow New Yorkers, lift him up reverently and bring him aboard. One man marvels that Spider-Man looks to be the same age as his son, and when Doc Ock returns to finish off the unconscious Spider-Man the crowd steps forward to protect their own. They realized that underneath the costume resides a mortal man, and they connected with that humanity, just as audiences have done for decades. Watching Superman float above earth listening to humanity cry out for a savior I couldn’t help but imagine that the weight of such a responsibility would most likely drive Peter Parker mad. Man is simply not made for such things.

On the opposite end of the spectrum we have Bruce Wayne. Well, actually we have Batman, because the Bruce persona actually serves as a disguise for the Batman. Batman is most interesting when the writer realizes that the death of Bruce’s parents drove him insane, and the Batman is the result of that insanity. It’s a controlled insanity to be sure, but insanity nonetheless. Batman fights crime to punish the criminals and not to protect the weak. Bruce’s humanity died with his parents, and if he possessed the ability to float above the Earth I think he would tune out the cries for salvation and focus in on eavesdropping on the criminals.

In “Superman Returns” we see Superman zip around the globe answering cries of help like a red and blue savior. At one point in the movie he literally holds the weight of a globe on his shoulders. But as we see through his relationship with Lois and his aloofness with the rest of Clark’s contemporaries Superman’s role as protector is a lonely one. A near omnipotent being simply has no real place with the rest of humanity, and try as he might, Superman never overcomes this.

Enough about character, let’s talk about the action. Let me say this: Superman is a badass. No joke. You’ve never ever seen a character with as much ass-kicking presence as Singer’s Superman. He flies at speeds beyond human comprehension, he lets a bullet hit him in the eye without blinking, he moves through fire and water seemingly unfazed, and he rips through the debris of an airplane in mid-flight without so much as a grimace. Donner’s film promised that you’d believe a man could fly, while Singer’s proves to you that Superman is the baddest mofo in the universe.

Unfortunately for Routh, Kevin Spacey pulls a Nicholson and turns in a villainous performance that damn-near overshadows the hero. Spacey completely erases the foul taste left in my mouth by Hackman and Beatty, and his portrayal of Lex sets the bar for super-villains. But then we all knew it would, didn’t we?

I can’t recommend this movie enough. Singer perfectly balances the drama with the action so that when things start to go all cataclysmic you truly worry for the characters. I already want to see it again.

Wait, one more thing: For someone who genuinely feels betrayed by our government (calm down…I hate the ineffectual dems as much as the radical repubs) I was genuinely moved by the altruism of Superman. Superman is so much more than a hero-he’s an ideal-he’s the thing we should all strive to be. Jor-El tells Superman that “[Humans] can be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you, my only son.” The amazing thing? Superman actually believes that about us, and that belief truly makes him a hero.

I could go on about this movie, but I think I’ll stop here for now. Tomorrow I may post some graphic novel recommendations if you’d like to read more about the last son of Krypton.

Daily Links

At least this isn't another one of those mashups that make He-Man and Duncan look gay. Just in case you haven't seen The Big Lebowski there's an awful lot of swearing, so if you're at work (or Baylor) turn the volume down or put on some headphones.

Global Warming? Sounds Like Fun To Me!

I’m sure you’ve heard about Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth?” If not, it’s a documentary about the impact of global warming on our environment. Recently the Associated Press contacted 100 scientists and asked them their opinion on the film and they overwhelmingly agreed that Gore did a very good job presenting the scientific facts of global warming.

Of course, a small number of scientists disagree with Gore on this issue, but since those dissenters seem to regularly receive checks from Exxon/Mobil I’m not sure how much credence I’d lend their claim that Gore’s film is simply global alarmism. They remind me of the one out of five dentists who don’t recommend brushing regularly.

I hope we’re finally coming to the point where the desire to combat global warming transcends political affiliation and simply becomes a collective movement for the betterment of human kind. I’m sure it won’t happen in this administration but maybe the next one, whether it be republican or democrat, will lead the world by example in battling global warming.

Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not one of those nitwits who believe we possess the capability to destroy the Earth. “Save the Earth.” What a dumbass non-philosophy. It should have been “Save the Humans,” ‘cause isn’t that what we’re really talking about? The Earth will pretty much adapt to whatever conditions occur, but the people? I’m not saying we’ll become extinct; I think we’re much too resilient and intelligent for that. But I certainly don’t want my great-grandkids worrying about where they’ll get the money to buy the new Hilfiger Haz-Mat suit.

As much as my intellectual side hopes we’re experiencing a paradigm shift in the way that we view global warming the sci-fi nerd in me hopes we’ve reached the point of no return.

Just in case a swift and violent environmental disaster occurs, here are my tips for survival in the wasteland:

1. Find a shotgun. Unless you’re a trained marksman (or a high school nerd) handguns will only get you into trouble. Inevitably you’ll pull out your hand-cannon on a group of marauding mutants, take a shot at the leader, miss, and then get mocked while they rape and pillage you. With a shotgun you don’t even have to aim. Just point in general vicinity of the mutants and pull the trigger and the buck-shot will do the rest. Just ask Harry Whittington.

2. As Hurricane Katrina and “Waterworld” taught us, an abundance of water does not necessarily equal an abundance of potable water. You’ll need some means by which to re-hydrate yourself while battling the anarchists and nihilists, and I’m sorry, but beer will not do (it actually dehydrates you). You can find a lot of ways on-line for rendering rainwater drinkable, but that’s so pedestrian, and besides, there’s simply an easier way. Click the arrow in the middle of the picture to the right and Tyler Durden will explain it to you:

3. Get in shape. Right now. Don’t wait for a tribe of cannibals to begin chasing you to decide that your jogging-stamina needs work. If at all possible hire a physical trainer to chase you around with a shiv while screaming incoherently, because there’s nothing like real-world situations to heighten the immediacy of your work-out. Also, learn to kick people in the groin and to punch at the neck. Use the adam’s apple as a target. And for God’s sake don’t forget about eye-gouging. Too many people underestimate the effectiveness of a thumb in the eye-socket. Just remember: if they can’t see you they can’t invade your orifices.

4. Learn to manipulate and organize masses of people into doing your bidding whether it benefits them or not. I’d recommend watching hours of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. If you can find tapes of David Koresh and Charles Manson those are decent as well. (Yes, I did compare Falwell and Robertson to Manson and Koresh. The only difference between them is that Falwell and Robertson are a smidge more refined). You’ll need large groups of folks to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, i.e. you. It’s not necessary that you convince them to ingest a cocktail of grape Flavor-Aide with a splash of cyanide and a twist of valium, but it’s good to know they would if you asked. Remember: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you can always lace the honey with narcotics if the flies piss you off.

And that’s it. In the spirit of full disclosure I should tell you that there are more things I’ve written down that I’m just not all that willing to share. I mean, I’ve gotta have some way to get the upper hand on everyone once the hurricanes attack and destroy our freedoms.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

"For now, at least, 350 soldiers in Iraq are free to post to their blogs, watch pornography, and order cans of spaghetti-os from Amazon." An amazing story about soldiers setting up and paying for their own networks to plug into the internet.

This sounds like something that I'd get into trouble for doing. This line slays me: "Ratliffe filled out a questionnaire form for potential jurors and professed to having a "bad jonesin' for heroin."" Good God that's funny.