Mina birds are the lowest form of life on earth - not even Mum likes them because they drive out the native birds. Mr Woof and I don't like them because they get together in savage flocks reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds and swoop us. They are razor beaks on super-fast wings, and when ten or more of these feathered kamikasis come at the same time, it is almost impossible to escape. Mina birds are nothing short of terrorists.

...you put one of theirs in the morgue."

So how do I deal with these evil, organised, rebel forces?

I take advice from Hollywood actor Sean Cattery: "They put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs in the morgue."

A cold, rainy day, when they're trying to stay warm and not flying, is a great time to get them unaware.

(A little digression: look at the picture. My ear's almost healed, despite Mum's insistence on cleaning it and sticking antiseptic powder on it. I'm just about back to my usual, handsome, self.)

This morning, I took my revenge sought justice for the trauma to my poor ear.

This is how I maintain respect. I will not allow these kinds of terrorist actions to go unpunished. I know some people have a problem with capital punishment - but in my yard, I am judge, jury, and executioner. The Supreme Feline Overlord does not allow for lawlessness and violence.

There was one downside to my victory. Apparently, the no corpses in the house rule still applies on cold, rainy days. This is an entirely unreasonable decision on Mum's part. I told her numerous times that I was waiting at the courtyard door, but she wouldn't slide the door open. Apparently, she needs more training. I'll deal with her later, the mina birds are a more urgent problem.

Until next time we meet in the bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat.

Monday, 25 June 2012

You may have realised that I'm not the kind of cat who goes in for the beauty-pagent type cat shows. But I am pleased to announce I am still an award-winning cat.

In the past month I have been awarded the Sunshine Blog Award, not once, but twice. This of course advances my work towards total world domination dramatically.

I first received the Sunshine Award from my Minion Dugal, and his associates at Three Aussie Cats. These three fine felines clearly recognise blogging excellence.

Then I received it from my Minion Gemma, who looks something like a dog, but is in fact an honorary cat. You can read her work at Gemma's Little Gems.

In accepting this award, I have to share with you some things about myself. These questions are all highly personal, so I hope you'll respect my privacy and not go telling this information to just anyone.

Favourite number: 18, because my favourite human is Mr 18. Next year, when he turns 19, my favourite number will change.

Facebook or Twitter: I have both, but I only have about eight minions on Facebook, and about 800 on Twitter. I believe Twitter will be a much better tool for my quest to rule the world.

My passion: World domination. Humans really are not competent to control the planet - you know what a mess they've made of the job. I believe it's up to me to fix the problems.

Favourite pattern: Muddy paw prints. They look great over the car windscreen, across Mum's bedspread, along benches, pretty much anywhere.

Favourite day of the week: The days Mr 18 stays with me instead of going to TAFE.

Favourite flower: Catnip. Mum says that's not strictly speaking a flower, but if I'm ruling the world I can decide what is and isn't a flower!

The other part of accepting the award is to give it away to ten other blogs. This was a hard one for me. Most of my Minions who have blogs have already received the award. Mum said she knew some awesome lupus bloggers who deserved an award - but they're all humans and really, do we want to encourage humans at anything? In the end, I decided to do some of both - five awards to my minions, and five to Mum's lupus bloggers.

Friday, 15 June 2012

Mum, Mr Woof and I were having our late morning nap on Mum's bed. (It was actually lunch-time, we're a bit behind schedule today.) Miss 20 came in and said: "I didn't know you three were home."

After she left, Mum looked at Mr Woof and me and said: "Where do you suppose she thought we'd all gone? There's a pub around the corner, but you boys couldn't get in. You've got collars, but no shoes."

Well, really, that sounds to me like the dress code's overly strict there.

So I started to wonder about the places humans go that I'd like to try:

Stowing away in Miss 20's uni bag.

Mr 18 goes to TAFE. He takes his computer. I like sitting on his lap and helping him with the computer, so maybe I'd like TAFE.

Miss 20 goes to uni. I tried to get into her uni bag once to see what happens there, but she found out and so the cat was out of the bag.

Mum once brought some fish and chips home from a place called the fish and chip shop. I don't like chips, but somehow I think I'd love to go to the fish and chip shop.

There's also a place called the supermarket. That's where Friskies, stinky fish, and cream live before they come to our house. I'd love to go see them in the wild and maybe even catch my own.

Mum goes to a lot of meetings. I don't quite know what happens there, but anything with "meat" in the name has to be good, right?

I think most of the places the humans go sound really interesting.

There's really only one place I don't want to go. I'm sure all my Minions know what that evil, terrible, place is: the v-e-t! Actually our vets are very nice. I've even climbed over one of them and given him a really good smooch. The problem is that the first thing they do when I get there is pull up my tail and stick a very cold thermometer you-know-where. I think they should warm it up first, but Mum says that would defeat the purpose - whatever that means.

The other terrible thing the v-e-t does is stick a long, sharp, metal thing called a needle in me. A needle always hurts. Mum says it's so I won't get really sick and hurt a lot more. I'm not sure about that. I might or might not get sick and hurt if I don't have the needle. I will hurt if I do have the needle. Mum says I should just get over it, everyone else has needles too. (But I've never seen her get needles, she just comes back from her blood tests with tape on her arm and says that's where she got her needle. How do I know if she's telling the truth? That's another place to add to my list. I'd like to go to the blood test place and watch to see if Mum really does get needles.)

So there we are. That's lots of exciting places I'd like to go, and one I'd like to avoid. All this thinking about going places has got me really tired. I'm going back to Mum's bed for a nap. (I think Mum and Mr Woof are already there.)

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

It's a great mystery - and I'm not telling the humans
what happened to my ear.

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I'm sure you'll be concerned to know that I'm at the centre of a medical mystery.

Something has attacked my ears. I'm not saying what - because that would mean admitting what trouble I was getting into at the time. The humans have no doubts whatsoever that I earned my injury. Apparently they know me very well.

I have had some problems with the mina birds lately. Those are the horrible feral birds that even Mum doesn't mind me killing.. Mum doesn't mind me killing them, because they drive out all the native birds - which she doesn't want me to kill.

For the first few weeks or so of winter last year, they were very aggressive towards both Mr Woof and me . Up to ten at a time would swoop me every time I went outside. It got so I would stand at the doorway and just look out, and never go anywhere. The humans just said the birds were getting even - although once in a while, Mum would come out and wave a broom around to scare the birds so Mr Woof and I could have a few minutes outside.

Well, it's starting again. When I go outside, a flock of savage razor beaks with wings swoops from the heavens and tries to get a piece out of me. That's what the humans think did get a piece of me. I will neither confirm nor deny this.

I refuse to confirm or deny the theory
that the mina birds got me.

It doesn't really matter what got a piece out of my ear. What's really bad is what the humans are doing to it now.

Mum has decreed, in that irrational way humans decree things that have nothing to do with them, that my ear has to be washed with salty water twice a day and have styptic powder put on it.

Worst of all, my favourite human, Mr 18, is colluding with Mum in this terrible invasion of my dignity. He holds me still while Mum attacks with the salty water and yucky powder. (On the plus side, he does still love me. I know because he gave me cream to say sorry.)

I do deserve lots of cream and sympathy, because the humans have been doing terrible things to me, and don't seem to be going to stop any time soon.

I'm off to drink some more sympathy cream, and have a long nap. It's been a very trying day.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat

Monday, 11 June 2012

My bloggiversary is coming up. Not To Be Taken Seriously will be a year old. Mum is thinking of getting me my own domain name to celebrate.

So now, I'm thinking of possible domain names. I have the opportunity to change the name of the whole blog to match the new domain name if I want. I could stick with what I have now, and call it nottobetakenseriously or ntbts, but I'm thinking I could do something new and completely different.

Here are some ideas. Some of them are mine, some from Twitter Minions. Let me know which ones you like, or give me more ideas if you have them.

nottobetakenseriuosly

ntbts

bloggercat

cattails

worlddomination

justobeythecat

stinkyfishandfriskies

jingleball

megalomanicat

beveryafraid

catsrule

kingcat

supremeoverlordoftheworld

teethandclaws

youknowyouloveme

awesomecat

dogfreezone

steelclawvelvetpaw

Of course, while I'm looking at reinventing my blog, I should look at content too. What would you like to see in the blog in future? Do you want more cat-it-orials? More jokes (you have to forward me jokes I can use for that)? More pictures of me? Do you want to hear from the other animals in the NTBTS household more often? (No, of course you don't want to hear from them, they're boring, and they say terrible things about me.)

Well, please get back to me with your opinions. I have until the end of the month to decide.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy
Bloggercat

Monday, 4 June 2012

Mr Woof kept the humans awake most of last night.
Humans hate being kept awake.

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Last night, Mr Woof needed to go out to wee about six times between midnight and 3am. Of course, he barked and woke all the humans up each time, before Mum took him out.

The humans were very grumpy this morning.

So I thought that those of you who are actually interested in keeping your humans happy (as you know I really don't care either way) might like to know what things humans really hate.

Humans hate missing sleep of a night-time. If you keep them awake like Mr Woof did, they don't like it.

Humans hate it if you wee or poo on the carpet, especially if they find it by stepping in it.

Humans hate it if you tear up their special pieces of paper - ones kept on desks, or in books usually count as special.

Humans hate it if you knock things off the shelves and break them.

Humans hate to share their food. They get very upset if you eat or drink out of their dishes.

Humans hate falling over. They especially hate it if you walk between their feet and make them fall over while they are carrying things. Humans are very clumsy with their long ungainly legs (and they only walk on two of them). They fall over easily.

Humans hate being cold. They get upset if you pull all the covers off them on a cold night.

Humans hate it when you hide their toys. The little jingly ones they carry when they open doors or go in the car, are especially important to them. They won't accept one of your jingle balls as a substitute.

Humans hate when you climb on their clothes, or hang on with your claws or teeth and dangle off their clothes. They especially hate it when it's their going special places clothes.

Books by Iris, available in paperback and ebook versions, from:

Patchwork

Patchwork is an anthology of short stories and poems by author and blogger Iris Carden. In this volume, you will deal with the aftermath of a dog bite in Bad Moon Rising, spend a sleepless night with The Possum in the Roof, and investigate a weird religious cult in The Time of Blood and Death. The print version of the book has a bonus story not in the eBook version.

Beside Still Waters

A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister

Cat-it-orial

Mr Bumpy is such a talented cat, he even runs his own website: mrbumpycat.com. He is a blogger, and a very bad cat. His favourite hobby is world domination. His next hobby is harassing the humans and other animals he shares a home with. In this book, you can see the world through the eyes of a megalomanicat, and some of the other animals who share his home.

Group Meeting

(Novella) In a facility for people recovering from mental illness: a group of people with sinister pasts starts to be visited by a girl who doesn't exist.

Karlee

Failing author Terry Dixon is made an offer that seems unbelievable. He can have all of his problems solved, have everything he has ever wanted, for a price. The price is something that "will not be too difficult" for him to pay - but it is not specified what it actually will be. With bills mounting up and a deadline looming, Terry agrees to a deal with something he knows nothing about.

About the Author

Iris Carden is a retired Uniting Church minister and former journalist. Lupus forced her to stop working. On good days she writes.

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Bloggercat at Work

Mr Bumpy on the computer.

Lunch Break

It's not that hard - open fridge, get cat food.

About Mr Bumpy

My name's Mr Bumpy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. (The humans I allow to live with me sometimes complain about me being on the computer - but they're mere humans, what do they know?)

My greatest achievements to date are: throwing Miss C's mobile phone out the window during the night; explaining to the dog who is boss; putting a mouse in Mum's slipper; bringing a live snake into the house and playing with it under the birdcage; and getting my own cat biscuits out of the bag when the humans are too slow to do as they're told.

I do have some help with my blog here - my "Mum" a human named Iris does some of my typing for me. She's OK as humans go, so you might want to check out her blogs some time. And of course, there's a dog and some rats and budgies, but you're really not interested in them.

You can contact me (or any of the rest of the Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com team) at: contact@mrbumpycat.com