Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I am not really a feminist. I hate women’s sports, I prefer that my husband take out the trash and mow the lawn, and I think a woman's talents are best used in the home. These are just opinions, and I don’t judge people who feel differently about these things.

But let’s face it; in the wake of the sexual revolution, men got the long end of the stick. Women now allow their significant others many outrageous wild cards: another partner for one night (Curb Your Enthusiasm) on their anniversary, a threesome on his birthday (last month in Redbook) Men are privy to watch girls take off their tops in front of the masses (Spring Break) - speaking of which, porn is something a man has a right to do, get used to it (Adam Carrolla, every podcast). Oral sex is no longer taboo. Oral sex goes both ways, true, but how many of you women are getting it as much as your partner?

Some of these things may be extreme, but who hasn’t been accused of being unreasonable for withholding sex in a relationship, abhorring porn, or wanting your partner to abstain from masturbation when you are ready and willing to have sex with him or her? Are these things really unreasonable?

How many years ago would something like having a threesome with your partner be considered off the table under no uncertain circumstances? Now it’s common for a couple to discuss it to “spice up” their sex life.

Forget about the revolution. Let’s talk about sexual liberation. What is liberation? I think of Samantha Jones (Sex and the City). She has (we'll assumed protected) sex with near strangers with no apologies, and she sets the terms. Still, there are fierce double standards (see every other entry in www.textsfromlastnight.com), and we all do it. When your partner says, “Which one is Samantha?” don’t you say, “Oh, she’s the whore?”

No bras, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, and drugs. Is that liberation?

Sex is great, but let’s take control of it. As a friend told his goddaughter, “Don’t think of it as losing your virginity. Think of it as gaining sex.” A valid viewpoint, but that should be her decision.

The point I want to get across is this: ignore the sexual revolution and seize your sexual liberation. Never let a man (or woman) let you think that you are a prude or out of bounds. It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to say yes. It’s okay to try something new, and it’s okay to only try it once. Sexual liberation has no “do’s and do not’s.”

Girls, liberation is not about being coerced into doing something you don’t want to do because “it’s the nineties.” First of all, it’s not the nineties. Second of all, liberation is about gaining equal rights. I have the right to say no. I have the right to not take my shirt off. I have the right to not wear a bra. I have the right to save myself for marriage. I have the right to destroy a rented pornographic film. I have the right to deny my husband a threesome and demand that the never let the idea cross his lips again. I have the right to be with another woman (but, in California, I do not have the right to marry her). I have the right to abandon a strict moral upbringing, or embrace it.

Liberation is about rights. Men do not have any rights where your body is concerned. He can, and will disagree with you about some things. That’s why finding the right partner is so important. Trust me, if you’re not on the same page sexually, you have a long road ahead of you, that can lead you to feeling unreasonable and question your own limits. Never question your own limits sexually. You have a right to feel whatever you’re feeling, and a choice to act on it or not.

Disclaimer: My current partner has never coerced me into doing something I didn’t want to do, and he was appalled when I brought up the subject of a threesome. He does not use pornography. Please do not assume any other statement I made refers to him, myself, or anyone I actually know, with the exception of “Think of it as gaining sex.”