Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

Welcome Matt: The White House announced that President Clinton will host a round of Middle East talks starting Monday. "But enough about that. Let's talk about Chelsea's new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce!" (The Daily Scoop)

Matt's Ma: Chelsea has met her new boyfriend's parents. "That first meeting is always awkward. Especially when Mom has to be patted down by Secret Service agents." (The Daily Scoop)

Matt's Chat: "The president gave Chelsea's new beau a word of fatherly advice: 'If you act like me, I'll kill you.' " (Paul Steinberg)

Book 'Em: "This week is the 50th anniversary of Norman Mailer's book 'The Naked and the Dead,' which I think is about Clinton and Gore, isn't it?" (Jay Leno)

Nerve-Racking: This week is National Anxiety Week. "I don't know why, but that makes me very nervous." (Alex Kaseberg)

Bingo Binge: According to a new medical report, Americans 65 and older are suffering from more sports-related injuries. "Apparently the No. 1 problem is bingo-elbow." (Premiere Radio)

Bomb Scare: According to transcripts from his diary, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski once considered having a sex change operation. "I can see why he didn't. Let's face it--getting a threatening letter signed, 'The Eunuch-Bomber' is just not that scary." (Steve Voldseth)

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THE DATELESS DAVID LETTERMAN

Top Cool Things About Dating the President's Daughter:

10. Can send the Secret Service guy into 7-Eleven to buy beer.

9. U.S. Ambassador to Stanford? You got it!

7. That chemistry teacher who gave you a 'D'? Deported to Iraq.

4. Great free investment advice from Hillary.

3. If you bring her home late, you can claim Kenneth Starr was questioning you for hours.