Steve: There was a time when I was like “I like comics, but I’d never go to one of those conventions.”
Etc.
Honestly, I don’t think this D&D thing’s really going to take shape.
Cloribel’s been pushing us to give it a shot.

Joe: Don’t do it!

Steve: But it’s so freaking complicated I don’t think it’s going to happen.
Even if we try a game, I don’t think the group can handle it.

Joe: If you do, I’m going to make you watch a documentary that will scar your soul.
I will make you watch it.

Steve: I’ve seen it.

Joe: Here’s how you fight this, Steve.
You have to embrace what you are and draw clear boundaries.
I’m a scifi nerd and I love bad techno.
But I have lines.
I won’t watch any of those Stargate turds.
I won’t do it.
I can admit what I am and have boundaries.
You need to do the same.

Steve: See, this is where you’re wrong.
We all have those lines to start with.
The problem is, most of us have friends. If you have friends, they erode your lines.
You, for example, like to pretend there’s a difference between sci-fi fans and fantasy fans and you’ve chosen to identify yourself as sci-fi.
Like you don’t love Lord of the Rings or something.
It’s all nonsense.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m going to cry now.

Joe: Now hold on!
There’s a difference between being a fantasy fan and liking a well made piece of art.LOTR is amazingly well made.

Steve: Joe.
Joe Joe Joe.
We all started with Lord of the Rings.

Joe: Dont you dare suck me into that vortex of wizard beards and 1970’s animation that makes me feel like masturbating with razor blades!

Steve: 70’s indie animation is a whole different thing.

Joe: No it’s not.

Steve:That’s something you get into by being interested in animation, not by being interested in fantasy.
At least usually.

Joe: It’s all fantasy based.
And it hurts me so bad.Steve: How about Willow?
How about Star Wars?
How about Raiders?

Steve: First of all, jedi are wizards, dumbass.
Second of all, fantasy does not equal wizards.
Fantasy equals something fantastic.
Even if I accept your nonsensical argument that sci-fi elements don’t qualify as fantastic, anything supernatural does.

Joe: Ugh… Steve, you ignorant slut.
When I go to the book store and I look at fantasy books, it’s about journeys to ancient lands, magic and so forth. Sci-fi has space and science and aliens, etc.Star Wars mixes them.LOTR is clearly fantasyStargate has a little of both but is mostly scifi (the movie that is).

Steve: First of all, almost every bookstore has a section labeled “sci-fi/fantasy.”
Never seen them separate, except in specialty bookstores that target that genre specifically.
Second, if you actually look at the non-scifi books in that section, you will see lots of different types of fantasy.
Urban fantasy, sword and sorcery, high fantasy, low fantasy.
Granted, about 65% of them are ripping of Tolkien.
But there’s a ton of other stuff too.
Anyway, the point is, I’ll play D&D if I fucking want to
And I don’t.
But I’m going to anyway.
And then we’ll probably quit because it’s like doing quantum fucking mechanics to play that stupid game.
Don’t see the appeal at all.

Joe: Dude.
You…dude.
Listen.
You won’t play once.
You’re like the guy standing outside the gay nightclub who “just wants to see what goes on in there.”
Next thing you know, he’s wearing a choker and filing for divorce from his wife.
DON’T GO IN THERE!

Steve: MAYBE I WANT TO PLAY MORE THAN ONCE!
MAYBE I’M SUPPOSED TO REACH THE D&D CROWD FOR JESUS, JOE!!
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

Joe: You’re not.

Steve: Screw it. That’s my attitude. Screw it.
It takes six months to get a game together anyway.
That, plus the fact that I’m the only person competent to run a game and I don’t have any time.

Joe: Did you ever see the D&D bachelor party ad on craigslist?

Steve: No.

Joe: A guy put in an ad for a topless girl to run a D&D game.
Here’s the kicker.
She had to be hot AND have experience running a D&D game.
This is not possible.

Steve: Hm…
I just searched “Hot D&D chicks” and the first two links go to missing images.

Joe: Hahahahaha!
These women dont’ exist.

Steve: No, they do.
Like 1/9,000,000 I’m sure.
But dude, I’ve got to tell you this story.
You should have been in that D&D store with me yesterday.
There were so many moments when I almost ran screaming.

Joe:Ha.

Steve: Bryan bought all these manuals and dice and stuff and dumped them off on me because he wants me to run the game.
There were a couple of elements we still needed to play, so I Googled.
Had to drive to Long Beach to find a place that sold D&D stuff.
The owner is one of the original players from like 1974.
Like in his late 50’s, pretty fat, but in that weird way where it’s almost all below the waist.

Joe: Ugh.

Steve: Glasses so tight they’re leaving marks.
Anyway, I like him up front because I got there fifteen minutes before he opened and I’d spent all that time walking to nearby businesses trying to find one that would let me use the bathroom.
None of them would, but he did.
So we got off on the right foot.
But I walk in and make the mistake of telling him I know nothing about D&D.
Which isn’t exactly true, but this guy decides he’s going to tell me everything.
I can’t seem to communicate to him that I understand the core mechanics and I only had a couple of specific questions.
Dude just keeps talking.
After about twenty minutes, I realize that, at some point, he’s actually started playing D&D with me.

Joe: Hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Steve: Like, he’s describing a scenario and asking me what I what to do about it.
And I have no idea how to get it to stop.
Eventually another guy comes into the shop and starts looking around, so I’m thinking, “Surely he’ll go help this guy and leave me to browse for a while.”
No.
Five or ten minutes go by.
Finally I have to prompt him.
“Well why don’t you help him and I’ll see what you’ve got over here.”
After another couple of minutes he does.
And that’s when something happened that seriously took me to a hair’s breadth of losing my shit completely and running away screaming.
See…
This guy who’d walked in…
The other customer…
He was about 5’10” maybe 5’11.”
PASTY white.
Glasses.

Joe: Did they kiss?

Steve: About my age, but with a receding hairline.
Not fat but kinda soft and doughy.
I’ve been seeing him out of the corner of my eye this whole time, but now that the owner’s talking to him, he speaks.
I shit you not.
This is his voice.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDfrRn20qXw
Minus the Valley Girl mannerisms and plus a lot more nasal…y…ness.
I almost cracked.
Almost dropped everything, ran out of the shop and never came back.
Like, I seriously almost screamed “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
The only thing that kept me from walking out right then was the fact that the guy had let me take a crap in his store.
So here’s what I did.
I bought one physical item, which we pretty much have to have.
Came home, jumped on the internet and downloaded every piece of 4th Edition D&D material I could find in .pdf format.
Maybe the game turns out to be fun, and maybe I’ll like playing it.
But there is no way I am interacting with that community again.
It was like a cartoon.
I just can’t do it.
I’ll read off my phone when we play.

Steve: Hey we need to have a conversation about my Kickstarter project so we can post it to WKJT.
And our Orlando and Portugal-centered fan base can pledge money to my cause.

Joe: What’s the conversation?

Steve: Oh I don’t know.
Anything to give me an excuse to put it there.
People who think we’re funny might want to read my novel.
Which is not funny at all.

Joe: Why don’t you post this conversation about how you’re a greedy whore who just wants people’s money so you can write about a giant water flee or whatever.

Steve: First of all, do you mean flea?
Second of all, there’s no giant water flea.
Third of all, yes.

Joe: Aren’t you writing Cloverfield the Movie?
And no, I mean Flee, as in the Water, we have to get out of here because there’s a giant flea coming.

Steve: No, that was J.J. Abrams.
And it was several years ago.

Joe: Book based on the movie?

Steve: What?
I’m lost about which version of Cloverfield I’m not writing.
There IS a giant monster in my novel.
But he is not a flea.
Or a flee.
Nor does he live in the water.
He’s also not a major character.
But PIVOTAL.
See, I’m teasing the novel now.
Dropping just enough information about the plot to make people interested without giving things away.

Joe: Is it a problem if I’m your best friend and I don’t care?

Steve: Kind of.
Well, no.
But it’s a problem if you don’t pretend to care while we’re in public.

Posted onApril 10, 2012|Comments Off on Probably the Oddest Thing in the Universe

Joe: So, we have two fans.
That seems wrong somehow.

Steve: It seems like we should either have zero or negative a million.

Joe: Agreed.

Steve: Holy crap.
I’ve never bothered checking the stats before.
WKJT has been getting upwards of 700 views a month since Spetember.

Joe: Seems like we should be monetizing that then.

Steve: …Yeah.DBM got 572 last month.
289 so far this month.
While WKJT has gotten 367 so far.
October, November and March all broke 1000 on WKJT.

Joe: That’s so funny.
That doesn’t make sense to me.
We’ve barely focused on that site.
But, whatever, yay us.

Steve: Yeah.
I guess some people just found the site and started reading through the old posts.

Joe: Is there a post in particular with high ranking?

Steve:That’s A Sweet Ride
That has two views already today.
Let me see if I can find all time.
Top of all time is obviously the home page at 9,215 views.
Just below that is the “That’s a Sweet Ride” with 2,405 views. This image has 1,935 views for some reason. The Lovely Steffie Graf has 506
And down from there.
Okay I think Alan and his friends found us in August of last year.
Huge jump between July and August.

Joe: Hey.
Did you already monetize this site?

Steve: No.
But my dad said he was seeing ads on it.

Joe: Yeah.
There’s an ad on there.

Steve: Since it’s hosted at WordPress.com they’re putting their own things on there.

Joe: We’re not getting money from it are we?

Steve: No we’re not.

Joe: The Steffie Graf thing has a trailer for the Army or something.

Steve: Huh.
They don’t display for me.
We should get our own ads on there somewhere.
I’ll look into it.

Joe: ok

Steve: 3 views so far today.
2 from the UK and one from Portugal.
MOTHER.
FUCKING.
POTUGAL.

Joe: That you misspelled Portugal is awesome.

Steve: Portufuckyou.

Joe: Steve Boshear provavelmente come mais galo do que a maioria.

Steve: Foda-se, perdedor polonês.

Joe: We’re mocking each other in a language either of us speaks.
That’s just great.

Steve: Мајка ти може да си го цица илјада петли..

Joe: 당신의 수탉은 질에은 남쪽에있을 때 북쪽으로 날아 더러운 창녀입니다. 또한 당신은 게이입니다.

Steve: That came back as “Jileeun your rooster flew to the south when the north is a dirty slut. In addition, you are gay.”

“Hey Steve, thank you for your response!
I’m a film student down here in Orlando, FL and a HUUUUGE fan of your blog. Recently my friend and I took turns reading your posts out loud in a “table read” style and we had such a hilariously fun time that we are wanting to create a short sketch. It would be in a style reminiscent of an old Shakespearean actor reciting lines, but instead it would be me and my friend portraying you and Joe by fireplace in opulent robes. I did not want to start filming this sketch because out of respect I first wanted both you and Joe’s blessings. So may we have your go ahead to film this? If you have any questions or suggestions about it, feel free to ask.

Thank you and keep up the awesome blog,
Alan”

Joe: OUR GENIUS HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED!
Of course he has my blessing, but only if he sends us the final product.

Steve: Yeah, it is.
He usually parks inside the playgrounds.
The Eiffel Tower used to have walls. Sierra Mist stole them and built a shelter for homeless cats.
The cats appreciate it, but… come on man. That’s not how to go about things.

Joe: Sierra Mist campaigned for Hitler…in 1978…in New Jersey.

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote the entire third season of Heroes.

Joe: Sierra Mist shot Bambi’s mother.

Steve: Sierra Mist shot Bambi.

Joe: And that’s about it.

Steve: Man. We should have a “We’re huge in Orlando” party.

Joe: Agreed
Maybe we can film something this Saturday to thank our Orlando fans.

Steve: Good idea. It should involve a giant white ball. They love those there, right?

Joe: They also love…the Magic and…not mentioning Nick Anderson.

Steve: Plus old people represent 75% of their economy. We should do a military salute to old people.

Steve: Gandalf was the head of a divine order of incarnate angelic beings sent by God to destroy evil.

Joe: Darth Vader also wiped out the Sith Lord.

Steve: Gandalf died and it didn’t take.

Joe: Darth was barely half alive the entire time he ruled the universe.

Steve: Ooh good recovery. Didn’t see that one coming.
Gandalf jumped off the roof of a tower, fought a Balrog on a one-foot-wide bridge, flew towards an erupting volcano, exorcised the King of Rohan, fought several wars despite being older than dirt, faced down the Witch King of Angmar, knocked the Steward of Gondor unconscious in the middle of his own city and pretty much gave every form of evil in Middle-Earth the finger.

Joe: Darth became evil, evil itself.

Steve: Gandalf’s beard changes color.

Joe: Darth killed his own son (or so he thought), killed his own wife (so he thought), helped blow up a planet, murdered his second Jedi master then murdered his Sith master, survived being burnt by volcanic lava and even his own sperm was so awesome it made the man who would change him back to being good.

Steve: So you’re saying Darth was beaten by his own sperm?
Gandalf was the wisest of the Maiar, cited by Círdan the Shipwright as having a higher inner greatness than any of the other Istari, and was entrusted with one of the three Elven rings, despite not being an elf.
He wore that ring… which was supposedly ruled by the One Ring… THE ENTIRE TIME he fought Sauron.

Joe: Darth couldn’t breathe well and still kicked everyone’s ass, even his son who he fought when he must have been in his late 50’s. He could sense ambushes coming from space ships which hadn’t even landed on the Death Star yet. He was maniacal enough to corrupt Billy Dee Williams.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS STEVE!

Steve: Gandalf had more friends that could defy the lord of all evil than Darth Vader had working body parts.

Steve: If by “unfair advantage,” you mean he used the resources available to him to their fullest potential, yes.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader had an entire Imperial army at his command and insisted on doing everything himself.
But let’s bring theis back to mano-a-mano
Say Darth gets lucky and someohow lands a lightsaber in Gandalf’s belly.
What happens then?
Mofo gets up.
Stronger, and with cleaner clothes.
And gives it another go.
What happens when Darth dies?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Joe: He comes back and his ghost probably trains the next generation of Jedi.

Steve: Yeah and that’s something we’d all like to see. The worst villain in the universe training space cops.
And let’s not forget. 30 years after Darth dies, he inevitably turns back into Hayden Christensen.
That’s just science.

Joe: Okay, that’s Apocrypha and you know it.

Steve: Is it, Joe?
Is it?
Well, if that’s Apocrypha, then Vader doing anything after he dies besides hanging out by a fire and smiling is also Apocrypha.

Steve: I can’t.That video made me need to see it.
Here’s thing Joe.
I think Judge Dredd and Demolition Man are seen kind of the same way.
But I actually think Demolition Man is way better than people give it credit for.
And while I know that’s not going to be true of Dredd…
I just can’t help but wonder…

Joe: You’ll regret this.

Steve: I’m going in with my eyes open.

Joe: That’s the problem.

Steve: I’m not sure when I’m going.
But when I do, it’ll be with my eyes open.
Have you seen it?

Joe: No, and I have no plans to.

Steve: I’m really just hoping it’ll be a fun terrible movie.
And if not, what have I lost? It’s not like I was gonna go somewhere.

Joe: I really try not to remember that part of his career.
Didn’t that one have Christopher Lloyd? Or was that the nanny movie he did?
They’re all equally awful.

Steve: I think it had Lloyd, yeah.
It’s been years.

Joe: Seriously, would there be a worse collection of movies to watch?

Steve: It’d be worse if we weren’t action fans too.
I make it through some of those purely on the killing.
Although for the record, I have never even attempted to watch anything with John Cena.
And only one thing starring Steve Austin, but that was because I was gearing up for The Expendables.
Also, They Live was a pretty good movie until about 45 minutes in.
Then all of a sudden it was crap.

Steve: This is my corn dog rant.
I like the occassioanl corn dog or two
I don’t buy them often, but when I do, I want them to be good

Joe: Naturally.

Steve: Everybody knows that things heat better in a real oven than a microwave, but if you’re in a hurry, you use the microwave.
Every box of corn dogs I’ve ever bought has had microwave instructions on it.
Not one time has a corn dog survived the microwave.
So you know what I’ve decided?
YOU CAN’T COOK CORN DOGS IN THE MICROWAVE!
Why the heck do they put microwave instructions on a product that can’t be cooked in a microwave?
‘Cuz here’s the thing
Whatever part of the corn dog is on the bottom is going to be ice cold while the part on top gets too hot to eat.
Flipping it in the middle of cooking never works because they’re round and they roll.
So there’s always going to be part of the corn dog that’s ice cold.
Unless you leave it in the microwave ten seconds too long.
Then the whole thing explodes.
And most of the time they end up half exploded and half cold.

Joe: Somewhere in Haiti, there’s a starving child who totally agrees with you.

Steve: I should just use my oven.

Joe: He really sympathizes with your problem and he’s going to pray for you.

Steve: Haitians get all the sympathy.

Joe: He marks your problem as one of the top ten to come up today, somewhere between his grandmother’s death and his lack of clean water.
Champ.
Anyway, I’m out, time to go be a husband/father in person.