How many times can the Fords play the pity card?

The charlatans are still selling it. Much of the media is still buying it.

Oh, it was a touching scene, wasn’t it? A suitably forlorn-looking Doug Ford presumably steeling himself before emerging from behind a black curtain to read from a prepared statement at a press conference last week announcing his everlasting loyalty for poor, ill Rob.

Towards the end, Doug’s voice cracked ever so slightly — long enough for cameras to capture the weepy image — just as he reached an emotional apex and professed, tears welling, his unwavering love for his troubled kid brother who has suddenly understood that he needs help “with his problems.”

If you watched, you no doubt noted that Rob’s “problems” don’t include any admissions of misogyny, homophobia, racism and crack use. (Doug was aware, I’m sure, that the cops were likely watching, too.)

Nope. Apparently the only problem facing Rob is that he still can’t handle his liquor. This, despite the fact that the mayor promised Jesus and Peter Mansbridge, among others, that he had sworn off.

As calculated, half-hearted acts of public contrition go, Doug’s performance was as predictable as it was unconvincing. You knew Rob’s older brother was going to get all verklempt. I mean, what recourse did his campaign manager have?

A few hours earlier, front pages blared word not only of Toronto’s enfant terrible mayor-in-name-only being caught on candid camera again — this time raving, between shots, about “wops” and wanting to “jam” another mayoralty candidate, and apparently smoking drugs in his sister’s basement a few days earlier.

Of course, Doug wasn’t going to belatedly do the honourable thing and announce that the jig was finally and emphatically up and that his brother was going to resign and spare Torontonians from having to endure any more revelations about the sordid and contemptible world Rob Ford inhabits.

But there were ‘tells’ that confirmed that Doug’s display of brotherly affection was about as authentic as a Ford apology.

Many reporters and columnists succumbed to the Fords’ pity plea. When Rob returns — and he will return — some scribes are already primed to write Rob’s comeback story, plucky guy that he is.

First, Doug was careful not to turn on the waterworks all the way on the “toughest” day of his life. He offered just a hint of emotion to satisfy the media’s need for a defining, ‘poignant’ moment. That done, the big, porcupine-haired softie regained his composure in a nanosecond and asked the media to please “respect” his family’s privacy. I think the Fords long ago forfeited the right to invoke the word “respect” anywhere, at any time, for any purpose.

In any event, Doug’s request is PR code for: We won’t be entertaining or answering questions about fags, wops, jamming female candidates and smoking crack.

(Mama Ford calmly told a couple of reporters who caught up with her outside a strip mall that she didn’t know much about Rob’s problems because she doesn’t know what her baby boy is up to every minute.)

And with that prickly business out of the way, Doug promptly got out of the way himself, hurriedly retreating from the lectern into self-serving and uncharacteristic silence. Ah, if only it were permanent.

Still, gone — by design and if only momentarily — was the grating, self-satisfied smile that is a Ford fixture. That poisonous grin that reflects Rob and Doug Ford’s contempt for propriety and anyone outside their unseemly, sycophantic orbit.

While Doug was talking, Rob was walking — from his Etobicoke home into a curbside car. Like Doug, Rob was mum. And like Doug’s choreographed show, Rob put on a little act for the cameras to convince the gullible that this time he was darn serious about confronting his liquor ‘problems’.

Rob and Doug’s PR two-step had the salutary effect — from their perspective — of getting out ‘in front’ of the latest ugliness by telling Torontonians that their imperfect mayor had wised up and was going into rehab to do right by them and his family.

You see? He’s doing this for you, when really it’s all about him.

With a few notable and wonderfully acerbic exceptions, many reporters and columnists succumbed to the Fords’ pity plea. Doug was portrayed as the caring, loyal and “emotional” brother, while Rob was simply a “sick” man who needed time and understanding to heal. When he returns — and he will return — some scribes are already primed to write Rob’s comeback story, plucky guy that he is.

This reporting is as nauseating as Rob and Doug Ford. Call me a heartless bastard if you must, but I couldn’t care less about the Fords’ welfare. The damage this pair of rich, narcissistic bullies and their cretinous supporters in and out of the media have done to Toronto and the notion of good governance should invite universal, unambiguous condemnation — not sympathy. And a recent poll suggests their support, even among the hard-to-offend Ford Nation types, is draining as quickly as a toilet bowl.

This city needs to breathe again — desperately. But that won’t happen until these two con artists and their enablers are — as ex-Leaf Dave ‘Tiger’ Williams, once memorably quipped — done like f–king dinner.

Andrew Mitrovica is a writer and journalism instructor. For much of his career, Andrew was an investigative reporter for a variety of news organizations and publications including the CBC’s fifth estate, CTV’s W5, CTV National News — where he was the network’s chief investigative producer — the Walrus magazine and the Globe and Mail, where he was a member of the newspaper’s investigative unit. During the course of his 23-year career, Andrew has won numerous national and international awards for his investigative work.

The views, opinions and positions expressed by all iPolitics columnists and contributors are the author’s alone. They do not inherently or expressly reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of iPolitics.

Yes, if it was really all about familial love and concern for a drug-addicted sibling, a word and a tear might have been shed for Kathy, who’s just as related to Doug, and just as crack-smoking in the video. Apparently, her tragedy doesn’t constitute a ‘worst day’ for brother Doug, or a mention of concern from anybody in the family.

Great writing, Andrew. Loved every bit of it, especially the phrase “cretinous supporters”, and the statement, shared by many of us, that you”couldn’t care less about the Ford brothers”. Last time I checked, they were adults, not disabled, not intellectually delayed, and not big eyed kittens.

Too bad the media can’t get around to restoring some of its tattered integrity with some honest coverage of the Ukraine crisis. The Fords are a bad joke who have had their fifteen minutes of notoriety. Its time to move on. May they RIP.