Five Tips for Talking to Your Son About Puberty

Puberty can be a tricky topic of conversation with your child. For one thing, your son might feel awkward talking through physical changes with a parent. It can also be difficult to accept that your son is growing up and becoming a sexual being. Puberty starts around ages 10 to 13 in boys, and there’s no avoiding it. We’ve all been through it, and as a parent, you might as well be the one to give your child the right information! It’s better that boys talk to their parents, rather than relying on their friends, or the internet, which might not always be the most appropriate or reliable of sources. We’ve already blogged about how to talk to your daughter about menstruation; please refer to that link here if you have a daughter:https://www.explorewhatsnext.com/how-to-explain-menstruation-to-your-daughter/ . If you have a son, the experience is going to be a little different. Here are five tips for talking to your son about puberty:

Talking About Puberty Tip #1

There’s a right way to masturbate. Boys are going to masturbate. It’s normal and it can be healthy, but it can get messy when they are using nice towels, clothing, or sheets as a place to “mark their territory.” A lot of boys might not realize at first that semen stains, and it doesn’t always come out in the wash. Teach them to masturbate in the shower, or to have a designated towel for it—one that isn’t shared with the rest of the household. Teach them to do this in private, and to use lotion or some kind of lubricant to prevent chafing. I know that this sounds awkward, but it’s better for everyone for boys to know the right way to masturbate.

Talking About Puberty Tip #2

Give them a lesson in shaving. A lot of boys start to feel proud when they see those first hairs popping up above their upper lip. It’s a sign that they are becoming men, and it’s something to be excited about! However, when facial hair first starts growing in, it can look messy and awkward. Teach them to shave regularly, with shaving cream, and use after-shave, or lotion, afterwards to prevent those red bumps and dry skin.

Talking About Puberty Tip #3

Emphasize basic personal hygiene. When boys start going through puberty, they need to start using deodorant and showering, daily. Teach them to change their underwear and socks every day. Tell them that they need to scrub their private parts in the shower. This might sound like basic stuff for an adult, but young boys don’t have a clue. It will be worth it for them to know these things when they’re in the locker room at school.

Talking About Puberty Tip #4

Normalize the changes, even the “awkward” ones. It’s a good idea to prepare your son for the changes that are going to happen, so that they don’t feel uncertain about what’s “normal.” Let them know that they will start to grow pubic hair, and it’s normal for their voices to crack, and for acne to pop up on their faces or backs. It also a good idea to explain how to handle wet dreams, or having an orgasm while sleeping. Let them know that this is perfectly normal, and that they should wash their sheets after a wet dream. It’s important to make your son feel that these changes aren’t anything to be ashamed of, and that they are just part of growing up.

Talking About Puberty Tip #5

Let them know they can always come to you for support. Puberty can be so much harder when you have a parent that isn’t helping you through it, or makes the topic “taboo.” Be the kind of parent who can provide support and information to your son, and let him know that you are always available to help. If you need to direct them to a friend to give them the run-down on puberty, then that can be okay, too. Just make sure that your son knows he has your support, in whatever capacity you’re able to provide it in.

Boys going through puberty are also reaching an age where some mental health issues may begin to manifest, like increased anxiety or depressive symptoms. Puberty is a difficult transition, and sometimes boys need temporary therapeutic support to move through it. Know that you can reach out to the therapists at Explore What’s Next, at either of our offices in Buffalo or Amherst, if you start to notice any significant emotional changes in your child.

Christine Frank, LMSW

Christine understands what it’s like when you’re trying your hardest and an invisible hand is holding you back. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, or stupid, or unworthy of good things—it just means you could use some help. It helps to connect with someone who knows that your stories are worth listening to. Christine will hear your story. She’s a great listener.

Christine is easy-going, friendly, empathetic, non-judgmental. She’s funny and real in a down to earth way. She loves working with pre-teens, teenagers, and young adults to help them move through those difficult life transitions where a person can feel lost.

With Christine’s guidance and encouragement you can take the first step to a happier, healthier life.

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2 Comments

V H on September 7, 2018 at 11:45 pm

Regarding your “Puberty Tip #1” above, I have a few comments. First, although these may not have meant to be in any certain order, it seems bizarre that you would list this topic first. Is this really that critical of a point for a parent to discuss with their son? There are several other points that take precedence over that (your #4 and #5 for instance). In fact, I’d suggest that this doesn’t even need to be discussed, since boys aren’t “marking their territory” by engaging in the behavior. Unfortunately, ejaculating semen is a result, and some clean-up is required. But how about just ensuring that there are plenty of facial tissues available in a hallway closet? That would obviate the need for any laundering at all, including a designated towel. Trust me, most boys do not intentionally (or usually even accidentally) ejaculate onto their clothes, bedding, or any other objects. It’s usually done onto an easily cleaned surface such as the floor or a desk surface. And why would a parent want them to do it in the shower? Perhaps you’re not aware that masturbating can take several minutes for boys, during which time plenty of hot water can be wasted, so that’s not a practical place to be doing it. Then there’s the comment about teaching them to use lotion or lubricant – if your son isn’t already masturbating and you mention this, he may not know what you’re talking about. In which case, are you then going to give him a lesson in what masturbating is and specifically how to do it? So unless you absolutely know he’s masturbating, this isn’t an appropriate course of action. If you do know he’s masturbating, don’t you think he’s already figured out that lotion or lubricant is useful? In this case, it’s entirely a moot point. Also, are you aware that lotion or lubricant isn’t absolutely necessary for boys to masturbate? It can be useful, but it’s not absolutely necessary. So your closing sentence “I know that this sounds awkward, but it’s better for everyone for boys to know the right way to masturbate” is particularly ironic, because it appears you haven’t researched this topic sufficiently to make a statement about what the “right way” is for boys to masturbate. The best articles I’ve seen regarding teenage boys masturbation have said that it’s a natural discovery and the vast majority of boys figure out how to do it and how to manage it without any (or at least very little) education or guidance from their parents. And frankly, it’s best that parents don’t get involved, lest they risk inflicting incredibly damaging self-imposed embarrassment, shame, or guilt on their son. If an occasional sheet, towel, or article of clothing does get stained, isn’t that a small price to pay to ensure that your son’s dignity isn’t compromised? I can personally attest to having endured some lecturing/scolding from a parent related to this “activity”, which branded an indelible unpleasant memory in my mind, and also caused me to have a lifelong struggle with being able to trust people. Although I applaud your efforts in trying to educate parents in the rearing of their sons, please tread carefully and do thorough research before advocating specific courses of action. As a LMSW (licensed master social worker), you should be aware of the implications of your recommendations. If you wish to email me, I would welcome your response or comments.

Hi! Thank you for letting me know how you feel. The Explore What’s Next blog is a place where our therapists share their thoughts and opinions on things. Each of my blog posts is edited by our marketing manager and my director before they are published, so even if I am writing something that seems more outspoken, I do trust that they would edit it if they deemed it inappropriate.

I have spoken to several male clients and male friends about masturbation, so there wasn’t any research done on it in an academic sense—I was moreso just writing from experience and stories that I have heard while working with men. I’m definitely aware of the different ways men masturbate. I think you made some good comments though, and I could see how it could seem uncomfortable for a parent to approach their son about masturbation. When writing this part of the blog post, I was more concerned with helping boys to avoid embarrassment and taking the shame out of the act of masturbation. In my experience, talking openly about things that may bring shame is what helps to reduce those feelings of shame. It is largely on the parent to be open and non-judgmental about it. I wanted to normalize masturbation in this blog post.

I think if I looked back on the blog I’d want to place more of an emphasis on being non-judgmental and the importance of talking about it without placing shame on a boy. I do feel it is important to talk about it if it becomes a noticeable issue, but not every boy going through puberty will need to have that conversation. There are circumstances where I think the topic will come up—like one of my clients, who regularly had a lot of semen stains of his clothing in high school and was bullied for it. That doesn’t mean every parent will have to talk about it with their son though, which I admit isn’t clear in the post.

Again, thank you for your comments, I think it is helpful for me to hear reactions. I hope I was able to clear up some of your concerns.