Wednesday, February 28, 2007

"Well, the way you described it, even though it was imprecise and colloquial..." and went on to tear her apart. She started nodding as he explained, and he stopped to say, "does this actually make sense to you or are you just pretending so I'll move on to someone else?"

I'm thinking about giving him a "kindness begins with me" t-shirt as a hint/present.

STOP. This just in. Literally AS I AM TYPING THIS he just called on someone else and after the student's comment, he said "That is a true statement. A statement whose relevance escapes me."

In my Advocacy class, everyone has to write a big ugly appellate brief, and it is miserable right up there with eating toenails (but not crunchy, and relatively germ-free, and takes a lot longer, and you have to edit it).

Anyway, today the teacher said "Monday everyone will hand in their briefs" and I was the only one who giggled.

Monday, February 26, 2007

(Note: I am working on putting my mission pics together and that involves writing a rambly poem for each companion to go opposite a few favorite pics, so this is one of them for your viewing pleasure)And we’ll walk nonchalantly down the driveway, acting natural til we get in the car and start shrieking about how even though he’s only 10 and he has some “big disagreements” Kyle finally finally finally heard an answer because he got 7th in the spelling bee and took it as a sign that maybe he should have second thoughts about not being baptized. And Julie was worried Devin might grow up and go to jail if he keeps lying so we sang songs about obedience and tried to act like we didn’t know he’d made up the story about his droopy finger.

Or how about standing soaked in the rain, me with a gimped foot that kind of felt like a monster bruise and you wearing 5 shirts and we both looked like drowned rats and the old woman shook her head at us through the screen door and said something but we couldn’t hear it so just kept talking til she walked away.

How about when the dog actually ate your hair then gnawed on my knuckles and I really thought they were going to start bleeding but we just kept teaching and even though Dan was smoking and later decided he was too cool, we told him he could learn to be a better dad and he told us once he prayed for nice weather at the lake with his grandma and it worked so no matter what that’s how he knew God was for real.

Or when we sat in the front row with our feet on the piano bench and so many treats it seemed like Halloween but instead it was actually January, which was the same month we walked around and everyone noticed and when we met all those depressed moms with kids that freaked us out and we shook on it that we’d never become them.

And even though we kept striking out and sometimes it felt like a drought but most of the time it felt like a treasure chest, Mert and Shannon promised they’d really show up this time. We’ll laugh at my word vomit and the grumpy man at Family Dollar and we’ll get rage about laundry and milk but really we won’t mean it and plus we make up code names for things important to us anyway so it’s fine.

And we’d make analogies about sports and war and Chuck E. Cheese then laugh about the time you asked Maggie if she’d heard the gospel's been restored, and we felt bad for laughing so hard in the prayer that we turned purple and couldn’t breathe, and we’d break up with Florence and the LaBombards and feel short-term sad but long-term happy.

Then you’d eat one more wheat thin and I’d eat 10 more cookies and we’d smile about 600 calories, your muddy coat and the miracle we knew was just around the corner.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

NO CLASS FOR A WHOLE WEEK. Though I still have 5 more days of fakeout vacation, don't worry, I've already made excellent use of the time. A look at life since Friday, by the numbers:

2 wedding fiestas1 movie matinee5 episodes of the West Wing1/2 of a Maury Povich episode*2 lunch dates50 percent of my mission album done3 naps2 days of sleeping in til 113 new shirts2 bowls of ice cream

*Note: it's not that I love Maury, and it's not that those magical, ever-surprising paternity tests invigorate me. It's just a little something left over from junior high: the only way to really feel like you aren't in school is to watch a talk show and/or soap opera and think about how you don't normally get to do that, so even if you don't like it and it isn't really that fun watching fat men named Skinny run off the stage when they realize they aren't the father, there is someting empowering about knowing THAT YOU CAN WATCH IT IF YOU WANT, and though some may view this as a colossal waste of time, you feel justified in wasting that time because YOU ARE ON VACATION and this is clearly, definitely definitely definitely a special day. Only in this case, I mean week.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

So, we all know people get mean in law school, but especially professors. Apparently there is something fulfilling about pummeling the confidence out of people who are already overwhelmed and in startling amounts of debt.

The following exchange is completely factual:

(everyone visiting bc class hasn't started yet)

Prof: I'm sorry, am I interrupting you?

(immediate, frightened silence)

Prof: Let's see, Mr. Belvedere*, tell us to what extent this case is consistent with the original understanding of the 14th Amendment and why.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

There are a number of awesome/absurd things are available this week as part of a law school charity auction. A small sample: a mini-fridge (AWESOME), gift certificates galore, spa packages, a karate uniform and months of lessons, a big beautiful Haitian painting, and I kid you not, this (thanks to my LDS musical artist classmate) is on a flier I just got:

The ultimate serenade: Tell your sweetheart you love them, “Jericho Road” style. The group will perform one of their hit songs for your special someone at the time of your choosing – includes a bouquet of flowers.

So yesterday, after two days of nasty illness involving two barfs and eating only one grilled cheese sandwich and two servings of jello in an entire 48 hour period, I pulled myself together and went to this hilarious trial advocacy competition at the law school, where my new friend Kelly and I represented a fake bar in a fake case about fake people, asking questions based on fake facts and yelling serious, primetime television favorites such as "objection!" and "**** off!" from time to time.

The funniest part, besides busting out a nasty old mission blazer and trying to pretend it made me look like a lawyer instead of an 80's rockstar, was that I definitely talked current/permanent roommate Andrew and former roommate Rachel into being witnesses, and both shone like stars. Andrew made an excellent, hot and trustworthy bartender and didn't mess around when being cross-examined, and Rachel sassified life as an accident reconstruction expert, including multiple sighs and suspicious "okaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy"s when the opposing side asked her nonsensical questions.

Moral of the story: shoulder pads bring power, and I know some of the coolest people on earth.

Friday, February 02, 2007

I was tagged by Nikki to list five random things about me, but I can't think of anything since I recently listed a HUNDRED things about me. So instead, I am going to list five awesome things that have been said at law school recently:

1. My teacher just, as in, three minutes ago, referencing papers we just wrote on ancient law asked "How many of you thought that this was fun?" then actually looked surprised when no one raised their hand.

2. Same professor, elderly and skinny and gentle and a very dry, serious scholar, was talking about robbers and said that in ancient times these men "wanted to get some booty."

3. Law student A: "I'd say the thing speaks for itself, don't you think?"Law student B: "Then I want to know what the hell it's saying."

4. Laid back professor: "Punitive damages are un-freaking-predictable, but it's the consumer's way of saying 'Corporate America, you can't screw me over.'"

5. Same professor's final advice: "Assuming you have a head, you should be able to write, like, the whole time."

Also, it is worth mentioning is a wise tidbit my dear friend and fellow law student Rachel shared: "I don't even bother drinking something if it doesn't have caffeine in it. It's not even worth it to me."

My second semester of college, I had an assignment due, a big fat paper about post-independence Namibia (yes, as gripping as it sounds). Naturally, I didn't start on it until the night before, and obviously didn't finish. I gave up and went to bed, certain I was screwed. The next morning, a friend called to let me know that it was a snow day. A SNOW DAY IN COLLEGE. A gigantic storm and they couldn't plow the parking lots fast enough, so all classes at the U were cancelled. No one can remember that happening ever before! So in a wonderful act of God, I had another day to work on the paper and don't worry, definitely got an A.

Today, I didn't do the reading for Con Law, the meanest, scariest class where the professor says things like "I decide when you give up" when someone doesn't know the answer. Being unprepared is like showing up naked. So, I didn't do the homework, and just received an email this morning that SURPRISE class is cancelled. Happy Friday!

What have I learned from these two experiences? Never try. Putting it off pays.

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.Student: I don't think so.(long pause).Prof: No, you DO think so."I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.(long pause)Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice RobertsStudent: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.Prof: Yes, oh holy one."For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student."They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof."This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."--Student, about Prof

Student: I give up.Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof

My hope is that if I put private blogs here I'll remember to click on them