Thursday, May 5, 2011

As many of you know, Encyclophobaticsburg is now a Fruitocracy. For those of you who don't know, I'll sum it up:

Some random guy named Burk Burgundson became President of the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, and then he submitted 43,001 bankruptcy filings. The government devoted all it's workers (at least four, I think) to working on the task. Obviously, this stopped all government activities, and then Burk Burgundson simply strolled in and took over. So now, we are a Fruitocracy, from the Greek root "Fruito" which means "Entity that sells fruit" or "Fruit production", and "-cracy" meaning rule by. As you can see, we are ruled by an entity that also sells fruit, so we are a Fruitocracy.

Burk Burgundson is now the new president, and he has been doing annoying things such as alternatively generating revenue for the city (the first time this has happened since its creation) and trying to destroy the city with live bulls. Obviously, this makes it difficult to live here, and Encyclophobaticsburg is entering a period of deep recession never before seen in our country.

First of all, being ruled by the Fruit Shop means that the only thing we really export is fruit. Sure, there are a few trinkets here and there, but really we mostly sell fruit. Now, fruit has some advantages, such as being tasty, but it's not worth that much money. After all, money doesn't grow on trees, so fruit obviously can't be worth too much.

Actually, speaking of money growing on trees, it brings up my second point. Burk, noticing that the major resource that he had stockpiled was in fact fruit, decided to adopt it as the national currency. While it might be better than the Encyclo (which had an exchange rate of 1 Encyclo per 0.64 Encyclos, meaning that every exchange would result in lost money), it has it's own disadvantages. For one thing, it grows on trees!

This wouldn't be such a problem, but as the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop is now the government as well, it has free reign over the city. Therefore, they have moved their fruit-growing industry from being restricted to the Plain Plains, and there are fruit trees rampant over the city. Therefore, if you want to buy, say, a new toaster oven, all you have to do is stroll down to the store and pick a few pears on the way. Of course, this leads to incredible inflation, so I believe it costs about 6,598 pears to buy a toaster oven. Also, the stores that sell toaster ovens get nothing but fruit in return, which is not worth much because if they wanted to buy, say, a new toaster oven, they would have to pay 6,598 pears. Not that they would want to, because they are the ones selling the toaster ovens in the first place, but still.

Next time you're served a meal you're not crazy about, just be thankful you're not a dung beetle. If you were, you'd be eating dung, or animal waste, instead of that plate of whatever you thought was the ickiest food on Earth.

Thank you. Thanks to you I will get my project back with a huge A on it and everyone in my class will cry of shock, my teacher will open the windows, and birds will fly in throwing food about, and then the door will open and all of my family and friends and everyone i ever knew will come running in to cheer, and then I will be lifted onto the shoulders of thousands and they will encircle my head with flying crows each with a rubber donut in their beaks and when all this is over i will laugh my head off because it will never ever be over.

Soon, this discovery will lead to another discovery. Then another discovery. And soon more discoveries. Until finally there will be a discovery that there were no discoveries. That is when I shall change my name to Timothy and live my life as a mailman named Timothy.

For what its worth, can we discuss something other than the failings of someone's mysterious fruitocracy? One evening an event happened that proved to me the Fruitocracy had failed. I walked by my fruitbowl and a banana grabbed me by the nose and screamed "AHHHH". Is that clear or what????