First of all, I just want to be clear that there’s not one common unified no contact rule.

I know that maybe you’ve heard about the no contact rule. Maybe you’ve read about no contact online in a forum or whatever, but there are really multiple different types of no contact. And, you definitely want to know which one you’re doing because just like there are multiple types of diets out there or different ways that you could exercise, there are many different types of no contact.

I myself am an advocate of what I have invented and called “Active No Contact,” which of course I would recommend to you. But there are many different types of no contact. We will be talking about active no contact now.

1. You think no contact is ALL about your ex.

A lot of people go into no contact or active no contact and it’s all about their ex. It’s all about, “Hey, my ex is mad at me. I need to do no contact.” “Hey, my ex is upset with me. I need to do no contact.” “Hey, my ex will not respond to me. I need to do no contact.”

And it’s not just about your ex. It’s really about you as well because no contact isn’t just about your ex. It’s not about controlling them, managing them, trying to motivate them or anything like that. It’s really about you as well and giving you the space to bring yourself to interact with your ex in a new way.

That’s why when you’re going through active no contact, we recommend that you take the time to acquire and cultivate and practice what we call advanced relational skills. These are ways that you can interact with your ex (or really anyone) to have a great positive interaction.

We recommend that during active no contact, you practice the advanced relational skills on people that aren’t your ex because these are lower stakes situations so that you can practice these skills and get really good at them. If you’re practicing some of these skills for the first time with your ex, they might be kind of new to you. You might fumble around. You might make some mistakes.

But, if you practice with other people like co-workers, friends and family and are able to have good emotional connections with those people, then that will go long way when it comes to connecting with your ex.

Then, by the time you come out of active no contact with your ex, you’ll be really good at the skills and able to better connect with them.

2. You think no contact is only about cutting contact.

Active no contact is not about just cutting contact. It’s about working on advanced relational skills and about improving the way you interact with your ex and other people.

You may have read somewhere else on the internet that no contact is just about cutting contact and keeping yourself busy and distracting yourself. But that’s a terrible way of doing no contact. Essentially, you’re just letting 30 days or however long pass and getting nothing out of it.

If you signed up for running a marathon in a month and you do absolutely no training, you’re going to have a hard time at that marathon. It’s not about signing up for the marathon and waiting for 30 days to happen until it’s time for the marathon.

Active no contact is not about just cutting contact.

3. You think no contact is just about “feeling better.”

Another no contact mistake is thinking that active no contact is about feeling better and healing from your breakup. Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to heal from your breakup. It’s important to feel better. But that’s not really the point or the sole purpose of active no contact.

Now, it’s great if you can feel better. It’s great if you can heal from your breakup but that’s not the whole purpose.

It’s a given that first, you’re not going to contact your ex. But second, you’re also going to heal and feel better from the breakup. On top of that, I want to challenge you to actually learn advanced relational skills. That’s important too.

4. You think the purpose of no contact is to make your ex jealous.

Another common mistake is thinking that no contact is about making your ex jealous, making them miss you and doing some reverse psychology thing where it’s like, “Hey, you would not talk to me. Well, ha ha ha I’m not going to talk to you!”

And then suddenly you’re going to be like, “What’s going on? What has happened? Why are you not trying to reach out to me anymore? I’m going to pick up the phone and call you.”

That’s not the purpose of active no contact. Maybe there’s some like weird BS reverse psychology no contact on the internet somewhere that maybe you’ve read about but that’s not what I’m talking about.

You’re totally flushing those 30 days, 4 weeks, whatever, down the toilet if you think no contact is about making your ex jealous or healing yourself and just feeling better.

Active no contact is about cultivating the advanced relational skills so you can have a better, bigger, improved impact on your ex when the two of you are communicating and interacting with one another.

5. You’re trying to do “no contact” while cyber stalking your ex.

The final distinction here is when you’re doing active no contact, don’t be stalking your ex online. That’s not going to help you. Good things never come from stalking your ex online. Keeping tabs on their Facebook profile, what they’re up to, seeing who is on the photos they are posting online, and thinking, “oh my God! Is that an arm next to my ex? Is that an arm of somebody of the opposite sex? Maybe they’re dating someone new!!”

Don’t focus on that. Again, do active no contact. If you’re going to do it, just cut the contact. Don’t be stalking them online. Just follow it by the book.

I hope this had given you a few clarifications on what active no contact is and how it differs from some other forms of the no contact rule out there.

About Clay Andrews

If you are an action-taker who wants to get your ex back, Clay and Mika will show you everything you need to know to have a deeper and more profound connection with your ex, so that you both can have a second shot at lasting love (even if your situation feels hopeless). Find out more here now.

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