I know you care about your loved one. I know you, along with them, are probably bearing the brunt of their depression, anxiety, trauma, anger, sadness, despair...whatever it is they have come to see me about. I know it can be exhausting, frightening, lonely and frustrating trying to help them, help yourself and keep your world together at the same time. I know you might want to reach out to me, to help me help your loved one by giving me information, asking questions, letting me know what you think is the issue. But I cant talk to you. Here's why.

BoundariesIn a word: boundaries. Boundaries help keep us safe, secure and understand where we stand in a relationship. This means we can make informed, autonomous decisions for ourselves. When we have boundaries we can rely on, we can express ourselves in a safe, contained way, and be sure enough we will be received in the way we expect. Relationships without boundaries can be chaotic, stressful and highly detrimental. Think about a child growing up with consistent, compassionate boundaries. They learn to be secure, responsible, robust and independent. They know they are cared about, and they learn to care for themselves. They learn to care about others. They also learn how to balance their wants and needs against what is best for them, and make helpful decisions for themselves. Now think about a child who grows up with inconsistent, confusing or absent boundaries. They are often insecure, mistrustful, anxious and confused. They don't know if they are cared about, or worth caring about.

Our early relationship with boundaries can form how we interact with them as adults. Boundaries can often feel punitive; they can feel like punishments. But are they? Let's take a look at the boundaries essential to counselling, and why they mean I can't talk to you.

TrustThe counselling relationship is built on trust. We use that word a lot, but have a think about how many people you truly, utterly trust in the world, in all situations. Not many. Now imagine a world where you completely trust yourself and others, and everyone is worthy of that trust. Think about how much of yourself you could express in such a world! This is what we are trying to achieve in counselling; a place your loved one can express themselves and their experiences, without judgment, where they know they will be heard in a safe, secure, professional relationship.

Fundamentally, I trust three things:

I trust your loved one's experiences and world view as legitimate to them

I trust them to be able to heal themselves

I trust their process - they way they need to do things to heal themselves

1. I trust your loved one's experiences and world view as legitimate to themWhether you believe there is a single objective reality or as many realities as people is kind of irrelevant. The only reality we have access to is our own. Even when we understand the reality of other, we are accessing it through our own goggles, so we can only get so close!

2. I trust them to be able to heal themselvesYour loved one has lived with themselves their whole life, from the inside.

I trust their process - they way they need to do things to heal themselves

It's important they do this in their own time, in their own preferred way. And a key point here is; I completely trust your loved one to do that, when they are ready. 'When they are ready' means; when they judge themselves to be safe enough, for it to be helpful to them, whether knowingly or intuitively. This can be confusing, but I want to be really clear; they can choose to lie to me, and that's ok. In fact, it can be helpful. They are testing how safe the relationship is, how much power they have, and deciding for themselves how much of themselves to reveal. I trust them to do that.

Even though you know they've had an affair, they lost a parent when they were young, or they slipped off the wagon at the weekend, I can't talk to you about it. This would break the trust in the relationship; it would be saying to your loved one that I don't trust them to talk to me. And if I don't trust them, why would they trust me?

No judgmentsThis is an important one. I am offering your loved one unconditional positive regard. That means, they are good to me. No matter what they do, say or have done. At their core, they are fundamentally a good person, trying to heal and live a better life. Think about how much a person can flourish and grow when they are fundamentally approved of. If someone believes in you, you can learn to believe in yourself. That's not to say I approve of everything they are doing; chances are they don't either, that's why they are in therapy! And until they want to change themselves, nothing will change. That's it. No amount of judgment, shaming or approval on anyone's part will change their behaviour, until they want to. The best way I can help your loved one is to provide them with an environment where they don't have to defend, explain or protect themselves. If you and I start talking about your loved one, or about your worries, fears or annoyances in relation to them, how can they trust I won't judge them, or muddy their experiences with yours?

ConfidentialityThe relationship is confidential. That means, whatever your loved one chooses to bring into the relationship does not get discussed with anyone else. But it also means I won't acknowledge I am seeing your loved one for therapy, without their express permission. Even then, I might not agree to work this way. This might seem strange, especially if you are paying for the therapy, bringing them to their session every week, sitting in the waiting room for them to come out. We both know they are in therapy, so why not acknowledge it?

Safety

Autonomy

There's a reason we turn to therapists instead of our friends or family. It's not because we care about them more than you do. Far from it. But we aren't invested in a particular outcome, have a history with them, have our own needs or wants to confuse the issue. We don't have to balance the confusing array of wants and needs of others, which is making it really difficult for them to figure out who they are, what they need. My priority is your loved one.