Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Now Is The Winter Of Our Disco Tent.

Good morning! I love you. However, there are two (2) groups of people I don't want to hear a goddamn peep out of today, and those are:

1) People in New York City who rode to work today.

You rode to work today? Good for you. Now shut up about it (assuming your mouth has even thawed yet). Certainly the bicycle is one of the greatest inventions ever wrought by humankind. However, here in New York we also have the greatest public transportation system in the country, if not the entire world, and it's called "the subway:"

(Comes in handy from time to time.)

Hey, it has its problems, and you do run the risk of having your smartphone swiped or getting kicked in the face by a breakdancer, but it's cheap and it's warm, and when it's five fucking degrees outside it ain't a bad choice.

So if today of all days you wanna be a schmuck and not use it that's fine, but I don't want to hear about it.

2) People who live where it's much, much colder.

Yes, I know five degrees is downright balmy in other parts of North America. For example, I punched "Minneapolis" into a popular weather website just for the heck of it, and noticed that it was minus thirteen American degrees there yesterday--at its warmest:

Even so, I don't wanna hear from you people. First of all, the "We're colder than you" game is one you can't win, because I'm sure there were places that were colder than Minneapolis, and then they start chiming in, and before you know it it's a great big dick-measuring contest. (Albeit a reverse dick-measuring contest because everyone's all shriveled because of the cold.)

Also, let's not forget that we're getting your hand-me-down weather today, and the only reason it's 18 degrees warmer here is that the air has been slowly heated by your flatulence as it moves across the country. So do you think we take pleasure in this little bit of extra warmth when it consists entirely of Midwestern beer farts? Because we don't.

I know I’m gonna get in trouble for this: People who are on bicycles out on streets like this — they should be arrested. I mean, that is a clear and present danger that is being created and if you’re gonna sit there and make the argument that texting while driving is reckless, doing that is reckless and it creates a danger for them and the motorists.Unfortunately, they’ve got their — quote — rights, so they can do it.

At first I was upset by this, but then I looked up where Watertown is and it all made sense:

See, Watertown is across Lake Ontario from Toronto, so it suffers from "lake effect flatulence:"

Basically, what happens is that every time Toronto mayors Robs Fords farts (which is often), the gases travel across Lake Ontario and intensify as they move over the water's surface, so by the time they reach Watertown they're powerful enough to turn the mayor into a complete fucking moron.

So I feel better knowing that the mayor of Watertown is just another fart-sucker, but for a moment there I was almost mad enough to ride my bike today.

Almost.

Speaking of clueless people in politics, you may have read by now about how political consultant David Axelrod has absolutely no idea what bike share is or that it exists all over the freaking world:

Does any other city have these goofy rental bike stands-people riding w/out helmets, even in dead of winter-or is that unique to Chicago?
— David Axelrod (@davidaxelrod) January 4, 2014

This burst of mental flatulence elicited the following response from Rahm Emanuel:

All of this is great advice, assuming of course you're completely neurotic and/or you're storing your bike at the bottom of the sea. For everyone else, here are detailed instructions for long-term bicycle storage:

1) Put it somewhere and don't ride it.

Done.

By the way, did you spot the total bicycle creampie porn in the video at 48 seconds? Because I did:

--Never hang bicycle by the wheel as the weight of your superlight crabon bicycle can cause the rim to go elliptical over time.

--Whenever possible, suspend bicycle from ceiling using invisible wires like they used to film "the Matrix."

--If you must leave your bike sitting on the floor, be sure to rotate the wheels every three to five days to avoid flat spots. Also, release and replace air at least weekly to prevent tire degradation.

--If your bicycle is equipped with a suspension fork, remove from bicycle and place on a slowly rotating gyroscopic device that will ensure fork oil keeps fork internals coated. (Entry-level suspension fork storage gyroscopes start at under $800.)*

*[Note that rotisseries are not adequate fork storage gyroscope substitutes as they do not rotate forks on multiple planes, leading to oil depravation of seals and other internals.]

--Brake pads should be stored at the optimal temperature. If you are storing the bicycle in an unheated space, be sure to remove all brake pads and store someplace warm, such as near a radiator. If you are storing the bicycle near a heat source, be sure to remove all brake pads and store someplace cold, such as the refrigerator.

--Turn bars to full lock in either direction at least twice a week to avoid headset seizure.

--Place a small piece of lube-soaked cloth between the plates of each chain link to prevent corrosion. This is known as the "pedicure technique:"

--The fluorescent lighting found in many basements can degrade crabon fiber, so be sure to cover your bicycle in opaque cloth. If your frame has been exposed to fluorescent lighting for more than 72 consecutive hours then replace frame before riding.

--When removing bicycle from storage in the spring, be sure to not to exceed speeds of 8mph for the first three (3) months or 1,200 miles, as sudden application of torque after prolonged bicycle disuse can result in catastrophic frame or component failure.

Happy riding!

Meanwhile, while I continue to ride my bicycles over the winter, on the worst days (like this one) I prefer to skip the riding and do some maintenance. For example, a couple of weeks ago I noticed my front rim was dented:

By the way, if you're wondering why Mario Cipollini is coated in oil, it's because he's about to go into storage for the winter.

Now, I'm pretty neurotic when it comes to bicycles, so in order to repair the dent I used a special high-tech proprietary rim-alignment tool, as well as a dedicated kevlar microfiber rim protection system:

However, utilizing the rim protection system felt like showering with a raincoat, so I threw it away and just bent the fucker:

Then I put everything back together and made a sandwich:

By the way, those faux utilitarian basement-style walls and floors in my bedroom cost me $50,000 but the effect is stunning and well worth it.

See you on the subway, which should be 10 degrees warmer by the time it gets downtown thanks to all the flatulence.

In my pre-bicycling cycling days, i was in the Army stationed at Ft. Dumb (Drun) NY, just outside Watertown. That lake effect shit is no joke but neither is the -40 amerikan degrees. I kinda think it would be unsafe but hey, thats mainly because people up there drive like shit. Anyway, glad to be back in FLA (where people also drive like shit) where we got down to 25 with a wind chill of 13. At least i'm not shovelling snow.

I rode my awesome fat bike to work today, and it's colder here than it is in [insert your town here]. It was epic. My snot froze and my junk is frostbitten, but it was worth it because "your" a wimp for taeking the subways.

A rim dent is a small price to pay for a ride on Mt. Tampon. You're lucky that you didn't end up with blood and sloughed tissue spattered all over your bike. That stuff can clog up a chain faster than you can say "I'm Mario Cipolini and I am eating pussy."

Imma get in trouble for saying this, but I am sitting here in the almost sunny Bay Area wearing a T-shirt with the window open, wishing I could get out on my bike instead of pretending to work..But I feel like I am missing out on that 'we're all in this together' that must be going on in the polar vortex.

Despite the admonition to shut the fuck up about over-sharing in the comments section about riding one's bike to work in the cold, here I go:

This morning, I figured that I had one last chance to make it real. You know. To trade in these wings for some wheels.

So it was bike, bike, bike, baby! And just when I was feeling 200 feet high on the W-Burg Bridge, it was.....flat. Flat tire.

Reminiscent of yesterday's post, I thought, "yeah, fuck y'all because I can change my own tube!". And then I realized that it was too cold to remove gloves for the requisite time to change the tube.

So I stood there, boo-hoo, waiting for Snob or some other angel who traded in wings for some wheels to bike by and change my tube for me. But only for a minute. Because I realized that wasn't going to happen.

So I walked my sorry ass off the bridge, found a CitiBike, and ghost-rode my broken chariot up to my office at 42nd Street where I could change the tire in relative comfort.

Will ride to work mid-afternoon in warm temps and dry conditions because Califaxnia is having a drought. Will ride home late in colder temps dressed like I'm supposed to be cross-country skiing, but not Angela Merkel-style cross-country skiing...

The gratuitous creampie shot was disgusting, Snob! Think of the cheeldren, Snob, the CHEELDREN!

If I continue to hang my bikes by the wheel-on-a- hook method, will they eventually bend their way into becoming Elliptigos? Will I feel a sense of shame when they do?

shitty fucking weather here. rain yesterday and cold as balls today, haven't been able to ride to work yet this week. the subway is okay but fucking sucks compared to riding. Mother Nature, you spiteful bitch, please give us some decent fucking weather so I can stop taking the subway. I don't like it.

CD maybe it's because if you want dirt you can just reach down and grab some, but if you want water -- and I'm totally gonna get in trouble for saying this -- some greedy mofos down there in Watertown are hoarding it all!

That was a brilliant title, snob, and a stellar post. LMFAO! Lake effect flatulence indeed... we're sitting pretty in Vancouver under a great warm cloud of Russian vodka farts. Or maybe it's Fukufarts, and it's hot in more ways than one...

I remember doing the toe suckin in the drunken throws(tm) one eve. The fertile crescent gained lubricity the harder I increased the suction until there was a shuddering/moaning combo and it all came to a halt.

Heh heh. Yeah. Sorry go gloat folks, but the cherry trees are in full bloom in Victoria. We are in on the Californian drought for sure... the reservoir looked almost dire a while ago. Is that like saying I'll probably get in trouble for saying this, but?

I rode in the 5 C for Canadian wet warmth at stooopid o'clock this morning because speed junkie.

7 or 8 years ago when I was getting back into commuting by by by bicycle I rode my bike to work on day as cold as this just to see how it was. It was kinda fun and coworkers were all "you're nuts" but mostly it sucked so today I drove the car I own and cranked up the heat and tunes. Cause pussy, and older, and pussy.

So Babble you were at Raymond Lum, Inc. The photographer? Did y'all keep it artistic or did it involve any creampie's? Its OK either way with us.......really........upskirt sans panties is the stuff of junior high dreams.

When the time for seasonal storage arrives, I remove the wheel, headset and bottom bracket bearings encasing them in sealed urns, bathed in sweet oils. Then I carefully wrap the frame in strips of lightly greased linen of the finest quality before placing it in a set of three nesting containers called 'cyclophaguses' before the final task of storage in the underground vault until the appointed time to rise up an ride again.

Around here it's so hot the road (the actual road!) is melting, train tracks have buckled stranding every train and the merciless heat has frazzled the trains' aircon and every passenger across the entire network has died in their carriages.

There's no sunscreen with a high enough SP factor to prevent contracting terminal skin cancer after a mere 30 seconds exposure to the sun. Unrelentingly beating down, the scorching sun softens tyres to such an extent that you get a puncture every 30 metres, but you can't repair the flat because you'll suffer third-degree-burns if you touch any part of the super-heated bike. So you just stay where you are and drink your urine to stay alive because any water you had has long ago evaporated. And when your urine runs out, you have to drink someone else's urine.

Anon@803: "And when your urine runs out, you have to drink someone else's urine." Some people produce really dark urine, some people clear. It's called terroir. So before you drink someone else's urine you should ask them if their from California or Bordeaux.

You could, you're just putting an "entry-level" component on a higher end frame. IMHO, the Uzzi was a pretty badass rig in its day. If you ride it like it was meant to be ridden, i.e. shred, you may find that you blow that Monarch up sooner than later.

Weather being what it is, Ithink the trick using cable ties snugged up around whell/tire all around circumference of tire for traction is a good idea. More of a redneck solution than a fredlution . Bob Patterson, Fernley, NV

Wow just wow! I know a day late and a dollar short. But I've been deeply contemplating these Axelrod-style comments to try to fathom where they come from. I think it's just complete emotional rejection. Outdoors? eek Sweaty? eww Filthy streets? puke! Cars? f that!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!