At this festive time of year my thoughts naturally turn to organised religion and in particular the funeral of our beloved Pope John Paul XVCMVIIII where the tv commentator gravely announced "There lies the body of the stricken Pontiff, his bishops hat laying on his chest"

What a tragedy then that he chose to become a man of God instead of a porn star where he would have been an absolute sensation.

In the early hours of the 25th of December, I caught a big fat fukin burglar, creeping round my house. When I challenged him, he spat a chewed up mince pie all over me, and went to grab a glass of milk, my lazy fukin kids had left on the side. I kicked him in the cobblers, and set fire to his beared, must of been a sailor or something.

Anyway, I chased him out the house, and as luck would have it, there was a herd of deer in the garden, the twat fell straight in thier shit!

Do you know, there was not one fukin present under the tree in the morning! And they say there is a Father Christmas........C*nt.

I was in the market here in France on Christmas Eve and I saw a sign which said 'Turkey arses going cheap'.

I didn't fight in two wars just so the cheese-eating surrender monkeys couldn't tell which end a turkey makes a noise. Anyway they gobble like a tart in Pigalle, they don't cheap, and it is a well-known fact that turkeys do NOT fart.

I'm not a violent nor indeed a particularly harsh man but I'd like to suggest that Ms Frogpond be set alight and then run over by a spiked steamroller for omitting the "Dear Spoof" preamble to her no doubt extremely salient and profitable, dirty capitalist fiscal advice back there.

Normally I'd suggest hanging and disembowelment with a soup ladle for so heinous an oversight but I'm prepared to defer punishment of such a cruel nature in view of the fact that she's a member of the fair species and opt for a lighter and more caring punishment as befits a member of the gentler sex.

STEAMROLLER HER !!!......STEAMROLLER HER I SAY!.......STEAMROLLER SOME SENSE INTO HER!!!!!

I entirley agree with Mr Danton, "Burn the Witch" for not following protocol, and when she is burnt, we can laugh....Do you hear!!!!.....Laugh....HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!....I am not mad..........MEEEEEE.....AHAHAHAHAHAA!!....Burn burn burn!!!.......

Mr Armandhammer-Gently-Corrective-Smoker's-Toothpowder. You are a cruel man sir but fair.

Mr Lynton. Do you actually WANT to be run over by a spiked steamroller?If so there are specialist magazines for people of your ilk........allegedy. Ahem. *shuffles about awkwardly and looks down at shoes*

Burglars. Before leaving your next rifled property spend half an hour lying in the chest freezer so that the police helicopters wont be able to pick up your body heat on their thermal imaging cameras as you escape through people's back gardens.

After committing a burglary last week I made the mistake of trying to escape a pursuing police dog by crawling through a plastic tunnel and then leaping through a hoop of fire. I was finally brought down by the brute as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

The wife comes home today, so I'll be busy cleaning up 2,000 or so empty beer cans, a few hundred fag butts and my DVD collection of Asian porn. Also, I'll have to run the hoover round, do the washing up, and get the feather duster out. If anyone feels like giving me a hand, just drop in.

Be so kind as to inform Monsieur Lyndonette that I found his allusion to the French Revolution both harsh, thoughtless and extremely hurtful as a celebrated ancestor of mine, Georges Danton, was in actual fact no stranger to Madame Guillotine and indeed once suffered the considerable ignominy and inconvenience of having his head separated from his shoulders by the aforementioned contraption in 1759.

His last words were recorded as being..."Infamy!...Infamy!...They've only chopped my bastard head off!"

I was intrigued to learn by reading the above that Mr Skoob is an avid collector and afficianado of Asian pornography.

Personally I found this particular genre of hardcore grumble material extremely unfulfilling and indeed exhausting. In short after watching a two hour film featuring two Chinese lesbians cavorting naked in a variety of improbable positions and masturbating to completion 3 times during the piece I found myself wanting to repeat the exercise half an hour later.

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