Movie Review: G.I. Schmo: Abomination

Wednesday

Apr 3, 2013 at 12:01 AMApr 3, 2013 at 3:21 AM

"G.I. Joe" sequel shoots blanks.

Bob Tremblay/DAILY NEWS STAFF

When will the inanity end? Hollywood just upchucked "Olympus Has Fallen," an R-rated excessively violent steaming pile of crud targeted for men with low IQs. This week, Hollywood hurls "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," a PG-13-rated excessively violent steaming pile of crud targeted for boys with low IQs. Do I hear a loud ka-ching at the box office?

In "Olympus," the president of the United States gets kidnapped and abused by a bad guy with nuclear destruction threatened. In "Joe," the president gets kidnapped and replaced by a bad guy with nuclear destruction threatened. Both films feature North Korea in an adversarial role and have flag raisings and lowerings depending on who's winning. Both films also share the dubious trait of being really, really stupid.

A sequel to 2009's "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," "Retaliation" begins with a bunch of Joes rescuing a defector from the evil empire of Luxembourg. No, it's North Korea. The Joes then retrieve a nuclear warhead from the war-torn country of Iceland. No, it's Pakistan. But not all is rosy with the Joesies. They get betrayed and gunned down. Oh no! But thankfully, there are survivors or the movie would be over in 10 minutes. Wait, what is there to be thankful for?

In the meantime, the villains are making progress on their nefarious plan to transform curling into a blood sport. No, they're seeking world domination. How original. The scalawags include Zartan (Arnold Vosloo), a master of disguise, Firefly (Ray Stevens), a master of of explosive weaponry, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee), a master ninja, and Cobra Commander (Luke Bracey), a master baker. No, he's the brains of the operation. He also sounds like Darth Vader. He even comes with his own breathing apparatus and vocal stand-in. Robert Baker performs James Earl Jones duties. More stunning originality.

The retaliation part of the film's title refers to Cobra Commander getting busted out of prison where he's been suspended in a water-filled tube along with another rapscallion, Destro, who for some reason is left behind. Huh?

For the good guys, we have Roadblock played with a surfeit of sensitivity by Dwayne Johnson, Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), who kicks butt when she's not displaying her butt, and Flint (D.J. Cotrona), who doesn't do much of anything but stare at Lady Jaye's butt. Bruce Willis, looking bored out of his mind, shows up later as the original Joe - General Joseph Colton - to help out our heroes by supplying them with more weaponry than you'll find at an NRA Jamboree. He also is in possession of General George Patton's handgun. Don't ask. I was surprised Joe didn't have the axe that Lizzie Borden wielded to promote population control.

For a subplot that defies intelligence, rapper RZA plays a blind ninja master - yes, that's right - who explains a lot of junk that I didn't care about. Anyway, Snake Eyes (Ray Park), who plays the Harpo Marx of ninjas, and fellow ninja Jinx (Elodie Yung), kidnap Storm Shadow from a Japanese fortress on the side of a mountain in order to find out about Cobra Commander's plans. This scene provides the film's lone highlight, and since it's shown in the trailers, save yourself the time and money and watch that instead. It plays out like a high-altitude, high-octane ballet on wires complete with samurai swords. Director Jon M. Chu of "Step Up" fame may not know how to tell a story coherently, but he choreographs this fight scene with zest. Thrilling. And then the dialogue returns. Chilling.

Screenwriters Rhett Reese of Paul Wernick of "Zombieland" fame add back stories to a few characters to try to flesh them out, but none of them is particularly interesting or contribute anything to the film. They basically serve as filler in between the action scenes. Comic banter at the beginning of the film virtually disappears after the Pakistan dust-up.

By the way, you may see Channing Tatum's name on the movie's poster. He starred in the first film and he's here, too, but the sequel belongs to Johnson, who gets to act tough, talk tough and drive a big tank. Why? Because tanks are cool. They blow stuff up.

In the pointless department, the film was reshot in 3-D in order to separate fools from their money. The technology adds nothing to the movie. I'm betting even the mountaintop fight scene would look fine without it.

Like "Olympus," "Joe" ends with the president (Jonathan Pryce) speaking some gibberish about world peace and the joys of canasta. This is after the film has spent 90 minutes worshiping at the altar of carnage. Of course, what can your expect from a movie based on a toy? We've already had movies based on a theme park ride. What's next? I'm waiting for a film based on a confection of ground almonds. "Look, up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's Marzipan Man!" It has to be better than "G.I. (as in Grossly Inadequate) Joe, which tragically sets the stage for another sequel. Oo-rah!

"G.I. Joe: Relaliation" is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of combat violence and martial arts action throughout, and for brief sensuality and language.