AMAZON

Monday, October 17, 2005

TBIM Jokes

Here are what I consider to be the best of the jokes I received in my emails last week.

HEADLINES OF 2005:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bitfar!]Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants [see if that works any better thana fair trial!]War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on tosomething!]Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than ducttape?!]Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the batterycharge!]New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadDid I read that sign right?In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOWIn a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHTGOES OUTIn a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRSIn an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK ORFURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKENIn an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THEDRAINING BOARDOutside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOURWIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESSSpotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARSeen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE1ST FLOORNotice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'TWORK)

Threelittle boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "

We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

Aman once spent days looking for his new hat. He couldn’t afford another, so finally he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the priest.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

George Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"

After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."

George thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

George continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"