‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass. However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

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17 thoughts on “Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet”

Great job. The headlines would not be the same without you.
Mad for Tang, was he?
By the way, maybe we should reconsider our swift condemnation of Time. After their headline on the sexism of Playboy they inform us “It is no longer every man’s fantasy to dominate a woman dressed as a furry woodland creature. It is no longer every woman’s fantasy to oblige.” Absolutely impossible to make that stuff up.

Yeah, without TIME to tell me these things, I wouldn’t know! I recall many years ago when TIME let me know that the Sexual Revolution had ended. The bummer was that I was twelve or so, and this was the first time I’d heard anything about it!

Thanks, Connie–but don’t sell yourself short. I’ve found that a person really doesn’t know himself (or herself) at all until the moment the authorities start reading him his rights. You’ll just have to wait and see, but I’ve got faith in you!

Truly sad. The great man spent all his non-fornicating time nation-building and kite-flying, leaving him no time to explore the nature of the parasitic infection which would eventually signal his descent into madness.

As someone who crows loudly about not reading the stories from whence these headlines are taken, Sir, I am singularly offended that you have chosen to mock my fine literary magazine, Playboy, which I only buy for the articles.
Good day to you, Sir.
I SAID GOOD DAY.

As someone who never watched “Friends” once, the fact that there’s no chance that there will be a reunion show still pleases me, too. There’s something about TV shows that are so over-the-top popular that compels me to completely avoid them.