Should Women Be Freed from the Motherhood Mandate?

Author Melanie Holmes blogs on "the female assumption."

Author Melanie Holmes just published a book that all women should read. Her book is titled The Female Assumption: A Mother’s Story, Freeing Women from the View that Motherhood is a Mandate. Melanie tells the story of when she first read the words of an infertile woman who said, "I thought if I couldn't have children there's no reason to live." This made Melanie think of her own daughter, and she began researching the reasons why women are led to believe that life is incomplete without motherhood, including feeling boxed-in by those closest to them -- their family and friends. She interviewed/polled 200 women with and without children in order to uncover the assumptions that influence their inner selves and their futures. Melanie is guest blogging on Complete without Kids this week. Enjoy.

--

In the small Midwestern town where I came of age in the late 1970s/early 80s, I observed my mom, older sisters, aunts, and my friends’ moms, all of whom followed paths to marriage and motherhood. I never stopped to question whether these paths should be incorporated into my life. It’s just what females did -- or so it seemed to me.

Over three decades as a mom, my views have evolved. I no longer accept the motherhood mantras. When people espouse that women’s lives are empty without motherhood, I shake my head in disbelief. I know many happy, fulfilled women who do not have children -- women who know the meaning of love and do not regret the paths they followed.

In an effort to broaden my own teenage daughter’s view of women’s lives, I’ve talked with her about my motherhood experiences. This is hard without my words being interpreted as regret since some of my hardest moments are related to motherhood (e.g., a divorce plunged me into single motherhood, poverty, and exhaustion). To be clear, I do not regret the 3 beautiful souls in my life (my oldest are sons, 28 and 30).

So what’s the big deal if society espouses motherhood as the ultimate goal for women’s lives? Isn’t that how the human race is perpetuated?

Connecting the dots from the assumptions handed down from previous generations to the view of what a fulfilled female experience “should” look like is important if we are to recognize how these assumptions affect the inner selves of females who may not want it or may not be able to achieve it. Dr. Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, wrote, “Adolescence is an intense time of change…All kinds of development—physical, emotional, intellectual, academic, social and spiritual—are happening at once…Girls are making choices that will preserve their true selves or install false selves.” In other words, what we say to young females directly impacts their inner selves. This is not rocket science. If we speak of motherhood as an inevitability or foregone conclusion for females’ futures, are the chances higher that they’ll pursue it at all costs and possibly forego other passions?

A woman who is good with kids often hears, “You’ll make such a great mom someday!” To which we must ask: Just because a woman cares about kids, must she devote her energy and compassion toward motherhood in order to be accepted by societal norms? I’ve conducted interviews/polls with 200 women. One woman in her late 20s, a teacher who doesn’t want her own kids has heard, “If you don’t want to have kids, why’d you become a teacher?”

Women have tried for centuries to exert control over their lives, and each time they’ve done so, they’ve been greeted with society’s condemnation that it was “anti-family”! When women wanted a voice in politics, society condemned this because women would want to attend public meetings, therefore, they’d be away from child and hearth. (Such heresy!).

Women have been considered property in the figurative and literal sense. White married women relinquished all their property to their husband upon uttering, “I do,” and it wasn’t until the Married Women’s Property Rights Act of 1848 (passed in New York, after which other states followed suit) that they could retain ownership of property if their husband died (it would pass to a male relative). Black women were brought to the U.S. to work for no pay and were the literal property of slave owners, and it took 100 years after they were freed for their voices to begin to be heard. The woman considered the Mother of the Civil Rights Movement, Rosa Parks, had no children—she devoted the rest of her life to activism.

I’ve researched this topic with women across the U.S. (as well as some international women) in order to discern the pervasiveness of Motherhood Catechism in the 21st century. Motherhood Catechism refers to the indoctrination of females to assume that they will someday become moms. For those women who want something other than motherhood, they deal with internal struggles, as well as pressure and judgment from all manner of external forces. For those who don’t find the right partner or situation, many experience feelings of confusion, self-doubt, or depression. There are a number of people who are unable to have children for biological reasons, for whom feelings of loss are accentuated by the sheer mass of Motherhood Catechism mantras surrounding them.

A sampling of my interviews:

A woman who does not want her own kids: Cheryl* is a teacher; her passion is underprivileged kids – she believes they need great teachers. However, some people raise their eyebrows when Cheryl says she doesn’t want her own kids. It’s a shame that someone like Cheryl who declares, “I want to be a hero for these kids,” would be viewed as lacking.

A woman who is the mother of a daughter: “There’s someone my daughter may be if she doesn’t become a mom; there’s someone my daughter may be if she does become a mom. I’m interested in knowing either of those persons. My job is to love and support her.”

American cultural and feminist critic Elaine Showalter has pointed out that “having it all” has never been the overall goal of feminist thought. Feminism, accurately defined, is advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men. According to author and feminist Rachel Holmes, if we recognize and organize ourselves as a class of “women,” and stop waving our identity flags in each other’s faces, we could have more serious political/cultural engagement and collective action on a global basis.

I’ve borrowed the term “Sister-to-Sisterness” from Karen Malone Wright’s website, TheNotMom.com, and encourage all women to unite with words of support. Because we are women. Because many strong women before us fought so that our voices can be heard. Because we live in a world where many doors are open or ajar for females and we should encourage the exploration of each other’s passions. Because we are sisters, aunts, nieces, best friends…we are whole beings, whatever our paths.

After reading her ok argued position on motherhood I researched the bio of the writer and she mentioned her 2 dogs Bella and whatever name the second dogs name was. No mentioning of her own 3 adult children.

That is so neurotic and twisted.... it is no wonder how many kids are now labeled mentally ill after being badly raised by folks like that.

If one lives in a large city they can usually avoid the mommies and their judgment. Since mommies are usually busy being mommies with other mommies, it's easy to associate with everyone else. I give them a wide berth to talk about their children and their own specialness.

What a thoughful and well-written article. As a woman who has chosen not to have children, I am keenly aware of the pervasiveness of pro-motherhood propaganda. Thank you for drawing attention to the fact that feminism is not necessarily about "having it all", but about having the ability to decide what one actually wants and the freedom to persue it. I want to spend my time providing valuable services to society and contributing to research, science, and social justice, not changing diapers, kissing boo-boos, and reading bedtime stories; and I'm allowed to have that preference.

I don't deny that raising future generations is an incredibly important task, and that's why I've chosen to leave it to the people who actually want kids; it will turn out better for everyone that way.

In my early adulthood, I was on the fence about having kids. part of me wanted them and part of me didn't. Then recently I had the thought that if I'm thinking of so many reasons not to have kids, why does part of me still want them? Then I started questioning myself and thinking "do I really want kids because I genuinely want them, or did I just think I wanted them because I was conditioned to believe I was supposed to want and have them?" Not long after having those thoughts did I realize that being a mom just isn't for me. Who knows, I may feel differently in the future, I may not. I take solace knowing I at least have that choice. As for right now, being a mom is not a priority.

I can relate to the teacher who doesn't want kids of her own. Well, I am indifferent towards kids; I don't hate them, but I don't love them either. The aspect I can relate to her on is that for one thing, why use all of your effort and energy on your own child when there are others out there who need your efforts more. She wouldn't be able to do what she does and help underpriviliged kids with kids of her own. For another thing, I think there are other causes more deserving of my time and effort than raising kids like animal abuse, wildlife conservation (the human race isn't in danger of going extinct, me having a child just means one more human being on a planet of overpopulated humans), equal rights, ect.

I think most females have been conditioned to think they want&even need children,even if that's not what they truly want. I myself,have never had the urge,or desire,to have children. But I know of many who say that is their female duty&desire,to produce children...which makes me wonder if it's not just the obligitory feeling,that's prevailing,in them&not a true desire. There are also those who believe they can't be happy/live a happy,satisfying life without children. IDK about anyone else,but I know I would be miserable if I DID have them. I know this may be politically incorrect,but it is how I feel,so I'm going to say it...children are like ball&chains+the fact that they seem to be the 'hottest accessory',in the past few decades,is not helping with our massive overpopulation problem. People should reproduce only if there is a risk of humans becoming extinct,but because they seem to reproduce 'just for the hell of it' now we have rapidly depleting natural resources&a huge decrease in comfortable living spaces(the planet is closing in on sardine can status),things are'nt going to be so good for humans soon,if we keep this up. Point is,you don't need a child to have a happy,complete life,but if you(people in general)keep having them just to satisfy a want rather than a need,there won't be much room,or resources to give THEM a happy,complete life as they grow. Plus,they are expensive&really are like a ball&chain...you have to keep them with you nearly ALL the time&will rarely have any time for yourself,to just relax&get away from crying,screaming,dirty diaper,etc. Just my largely unpopular opinion&also,just something for other people to think about.

Dear Kelly--I agree that taking resources into consideration is important when thinking about procreation. It's why my book won the 2014 Global Media Award from the Population Institute in Washington DC. People throw around the word "selfish," and it's distressing because one could argue that people do all sorts of things that could fit that adjective (buy huge gas-guzzling cars, build bigger houses, buy new when they could buy used/repurposed items). I don't think your feelings are "un-P.C." In fact, I think things are shifting because people such as yourself are willing to say, hey, I just don't wanna (have a baby), and it's become more P.C. to NOT assume that people want to do the thing called parenting. Thanks again for your feedback. Cheers to the examined life and picking one's own path. https://www.facebook.com/Melanie-Holmes-467706716674112/

If you don't want kids, I doubt anyone outside of your immediate family really cares. When others inquire, they're usually just making idle conversation; at most, you are a curious oddity to them. If you are not a nurturer, stop hiding behind environmental hysteria as an excuse. It's not just that you don't want to make babies, you don't want to raise or nurture children at all.

All the anti-child hostilities that stereotype childless-by-choice women are on full display in this blog. You want to know why your friends dump you when they become moms? It's because you are contemptuous toward the person who is most precious in their lives. The contest between you and their baby isn't even close...you lose every time. Then you go online seeking others to commiserate about being rejected by the people whose children are a source of irritation to you.

Listening to childless-by-choice women is like being around people who insist they can safely text and drive: they are tedious and self-deluded, but I don't mind them so long as they stay out of my way.

I'm not sure who you are talking about ( "...so long as they stay out of my way"), but I'm guessing you've come across chat rooms designed for women without kids---places that don't benefit you. One of my BFFs is what people call childless-by-choice and she finds it tedious to talk with women with kids when they cannot find anything else to talk about--she doesn't feel that way about "all" women with kids, because if she did that would lump them into a stereotype. Always, I wish for peace in the hearts of people who have not reached a point of compassion for those different from them, those who express different views. Life's a long road. Pack the peace & compassion.

Thanks for contributing and hosting here. Great sharing and I hope many other women may find your articles interesting or affirming or mind-opening! Interested to get the book.

Childfree by Choice here since 16 years old, now in late 30s. Never have regretted the decision for one day, nor do I expect to. Love little kids - but also like to give them back to their parents and then go back on my own, childfree way!

To each their own!!

I adopt fur-babies that are plenty of additional joy in my life. Wish I had come across your (or similar) articles when I was younger!

Hope u both keep writing and sharing your thoughts about this and other subjects.
Either of u want to take on secularism vs. “In God We (forced and/or assumed to) Trust.” ....Or maybe you already have! If so, please post link(s).

Hi Susan, thanks for your comment that you wish you'd come across articles such as this when you were younger. This is why I had my own daughter in mind when I wrote the book. True story, soon after my daughter read the draft of my book she was at school and heard some girls "pitying" a single older teacher without kids, saying "Poor Ms. so & so." My daughter's quiet internal response was: Perhaps Miss so&so chose to stay single/sans kids. For me, this is the fruit of this book, for people to "accept" that the Ms. so&so's of the world, those without kids, are okay. Or maybe they're not, maybe they're in pain, but it's not our place to assume how they feel (or to pity them; I'm not sure pity is what people want from life....?).
To your question of whether I've written about the assumption of believing in a higher power, I wrote an article for RoleReboot where I point out that some people in my family are atheist--loving compassionate people; in that article, I ask that no one "assume" that I want to hear a joke that begins with, "An atheist enters a bar..." I also don't want to hear derogatory talk of Mexicans, Muslims, LGBTQ, etc (again, members of my family). That article can be googled with my name and "Modern Family," I don't know if Ellen wants me to place links here. Cheers to you! Hashtag-justBYou - xo

Im not a native speaker and apologize for possible grammar errors . There is no motherhood mandate and never was , but there is , there was , and always will be the basic INSTINCT of life : the instinct to make a next generation . A nature made us this way . We are born with desire to have a child . That has nothing to do with different believes , culture , background , etc. To say to a person who doesnt have that desire : you are OK , its your choise , is the same as telling to the blind : you are OK , dont let people with different believes tell you how much you miss in your life . Is it possible to be happy if you are blind ? I think yes . Is it possible to be happy if you are deaf ? Sure . Do those people really miss anything ? Being able to see and hear , I think : yes , they do . When society has a childfree movement , something is very sick with american ( and european ) society . Well , the other nations will come and wipe out the rotten european nations from the planet earth .

There is an important book, Stumbling On Happiness, by Dr. Daniel Gilbert, that explains how Siamese Twins cannot imagine a different life; they are very happy and other people cannot understand why...people say, But you don't know what you're missing. Christopher Reeves, who fell from a horse and was rendered quadriplegic, said it was the best thing that happened to him because it helped him see what was really important in life. Unfortunately, you and many others have a very narrow view of what will make a person -- any person -- happy. Just because something makes me happy, I don't assume to know what will make you happy. Peace. And thanks for thinking.

Was becoming quadriplegic a temporary situation for Christopher Reeves? Was he asked if he could reverse things? The implication that he preferred it is narrow. More likely, it was an enlightening experience. And since the twins have only a conjoined experience, they can't choose what is preferable. Perhaps they might have a CR moment and see what separated living could be like. Only then can they make an informed choice as to happiness.

If a person doesn't feel any spark or desire within their soul to be a Mother, I strongly agree that they should not bother. Motherhood is a refiner's fire that requires constant giving of oneself... What a world this would be if only those who had a passion for parenting became parents.

The whole point is to view women who are not mothers as human beings who give of themselves. I know many mothers who don't buy into the "constant giving of oneself" and I know just as many women without kids (for whatever reason) who constantly give of themselves...to their loved ones (friends, sibs, etc), to charities, or they throw themselves into jobs that many people are not willing/capable of doing. The constant giving of oneself is a human attribute, all females and males feel an urge to give, not just parents. And I do wonder about that last "wondering" of yours...what would the world be like if only those who are passionate about being parents would actually become parents. I wonder also.

Yes, I agree with what you said about not everyone taking their Motherhood role seriously. I also agree that there are many that do much good and will never be Mothers. To truly fulfill the call of Motherhood though, it does require a constant giving of oneself... There are many Mothers who don't do this and we can see the cold effect it has on individuals, families, and society. We have to give as Mothers to teach our children how to love and give of themselves.

Let's talk about the 800 pound gorilla in the corner. OVERPOPULATION. We are closing in on 8 billion on a planet that can sustain up to 2 billion at a 'fairly decent' life, appr lower middle class/working class level. We are out of room, resources, the ocean is rising, and mass immigration, civil unrest, and yes, even CLIMATE CHANGE is caused by OVERPOPULATION.
"No one snowflake thinks it's the cause of the avalanche"
What sort of sadist would choose to breed, knowing how bad things are getting? Kids don't ask to be born, and we know how to stop it.
So what's it gonna be then, eh? Birth control, or let Mother Nature hand out some DEATH CONTROL, like She did to the Permians!