Almost on a daily basis we hear how the church stifled progress and would have burned Galileo at the stake, but what very few people know is that the Pope, Pope Pius VIII, did not persecute Galileo; quite the reverse, in fact. Galileo, in order to prove gravity, dropped the Pope and a ripe melon from the leaning Tower of Pisa to see what would happen. They hit the ground at the same time, but the melon made a more satisfying squish as it hit the ground.

The Dominicans, or hounds of God, as they were known, wanted to Inquisit him, but he slapped them on their cowls with a stick, chasing them down the road, much to the uproarious delight of the local populace, which is where we get the term ‘slapstick’ when referring to a certain brand of comedy. The Dominicans, it is reported, did not find it funny. They were not American, as it had not yet been discovered, and did not find slapstick funny.

Joan of Arc was not, as is commonly believed, burned at the stake, but ordered a rare steak and when it was delivered to her table overdone, declared a crusade against all restaurants that overcooked their steaks. She eventually died when an irritated sous chef ran her through with a spit he’d picked up from a barbecue.

If you need any further lessons in science or history, please feel free to ask, and I will happily answer all your questions.

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