Struggle Bus: An open journal entry to self love

I am struggling to lose weight. Most days, I hate taking photos of myself and I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I can’t stand being naked in front my husband (even though he loves every part of me) and I just always look at myself and think “how can anyone love this?”

My depression gets the best of me some days and then I hate myself even more because I worry if I was the best mom I could have been for the day and worry about what damage I have done to my kid. I preach about self love so much because I want other women to not feel what I feel most of the time. I want to tell that client in front of me, worrying about her stretch marks on her stomach after having children, that she is so beautiful and that those stretch are just as beautiful. Her body grew a child and now that child is thriving and alive and is a part of her and that is something to love. I want to tell my client that is fretting about her cellulite, that even the most perfect looking women have it as well and that it is part of your body. This doesn’t stop at just women either. Men have things they are insecure about when it comes to looks, but they don’t talk about it because it’s not very manly to talk about, which is kind of fucked up. No matter if we are a man or woman, we should be able to feel validated in how we look at ourselves.

These things should not define how we feel about ourselves, but we allow them to do so. We should be worrying more about how we treat people and the people we love more than if we have too many fat rolls and how ugly this shirt must look on me. My daughter hugs me and tells me that she loves my belly and you would think that this should be something that I cringe at, but every time she does it, I just think, “Why can’t I physically love myself as much as my daughter does?” The answer is simple, she doesn’t know what insecurities are yet and she simply just sees me, her mother, and she loves me. She loves every part of me because she sees past what I look like. She is my own personal hype girl, and when I pick out a wardrobe she is always there to tell me, “Ooh yeah girl! You look beautiful!” and I just want to sob because it is so genuine and she sees how much it lights up my face.

So what is the point in this post? a couple things:

We need to start changing our mindset and I need to take this advice for myself just as much as you do. Forgive yourself for not losing that weight when you said you would, but also don’t go out and eat your feelings because you and I both know that it won’t do you any good or make you feel any better. It will make you feel worse in the end. You failed at your diet today? That’s ok, try again tomorrow and even if it just a simple “I only had one soda today” then that is a fucking victory and you should take it! You just laid in bed for most of the day because your depression just really hit hard? That’s ok, get yourself out of bed and at least give yourself a bath or clean up your room for a little bit and if you can do those little things for yourself, then you won for the day and there is always tomorrow! Didn’t get along with the kids as well as you wanted to and you lashed out a few too many times? That’s ok, make sure that you apologize to your kid and try to explain that mommy/ daddy are just going through a sad day and it’s hard, but that none of it is their fault and ask them what they want to do for the rest of the day/evening and make them feel loved and important.

Love yourself, all of yourself, even your failures. It’s hard being human sometimes and no one said that it would be exactly how you wanted it to be. Some days are harder than others. Your path is not going to be the same as anyone else’s and no one said that there should be a set time cap to what you want to accomplish in your life. Don’t let anyone get in your head about what you’re dong with your life if you are genuinely happy with where you are at. You don’t need toxic people in your head trying to determine where you should be at in your life because more than likely, they are not happy with something in their lives and they need you to feel shitty so they feel better. You’re human, you are going to fail and you are going to succeed, it is all just a give and take.

As for me, I am going to take a page out of my own daughter’s book and learn to forgive myself, to love myself and to worry about the things that are important. Sure, I need to lose weight, but I can’t do that until I start loving myself and I that needs to start now.