Thursday, January 20, 2011

Worries

So, I am a worrier. I worry about everything even things that are silly, and I always have. I don't know why I do it, and I don't really know how to stop it, I think it may just be part of my personality. I don't really "stress" about things, I don't dwell on them, but I do worry. Sometimes it keeps me up at night, sometimes I listen to my heartbeat super fast on my pillow at night and then start worrying about that. I think about it until I just can't think about it all any more and then take deep yoga breaths to try to let it go.

I heard that the real worrying starts when you get pregnant and continues for the rest of your life. I guess once you become a mother, the worries never stop (that's something to worry about right there!). So, my worrier personality is really getting the best of me lately, and it sounds like it won't get any better any time soon.

I read this list on the blog I love, My Life in Transition, and thought that sounded like a good idea. Writing down all your worries so that you get them out of your head. This helps me with everything else in my life (I'm a list maker like my dad) so I thought I would try it. I liked some of hers so I included them here, and also added some of my own.

From Julia's list (these are my worries too):

Please, God . Let me get one that sleeps at least a little bit of the time.

Babies need a lot of paraphernalia. How in the heck am I supposed to know what to choose when I've never done this before? So overwhelming. Also, where in the heck am I supposed to store all of this crap? You know I hate hoarding and clutter.

CAN WE AFFORD THIS? (my head is exploding right now)

Dude, if I'm neurotic about money now when we DON'T pay for daycare, how will I remain sane afterward?

Will I drive {Ian} completely insane with my financial (and every other) worries?

Will my hips spread permanently after pushing a bowling ball through my pelvis? If so, will I never fit into my skinny jeans again?

Stretch marks?!?!

Please God, do not let my face balloon up like a swollen sausage. I just hate when my face is fat.

Will my child resent me later in life? How bad will it suck to raise a teenager, anyway? I think it was pretty rough BEING one, let alone being responsible for one.

What if {Ian} and I let our marriage slip to the wayside as we focus on being parents? I love our marriage right now and sometimes I don't want it to change.

How bad is it going to suck to drop my newborn off at a daycare full of strangers while dropping mad cash in this facility? Will it be too much to handle?

Pooping on the table sounds like fun...or totally awful.

I know it's really really rare, but what if I die during the delivery?

How bad is recovery going to blow?

Won't it ruin our mattress if my water breaks in our bed? {When will I have time to change the sheets???}

Will we forget about our first born bab{ies} {Zipper, Zoe and Linus}? Will [they] hate us forever for having a baby?

And, here is my list (I know, I'm nuts!):

Body:

Just how much weight will I gain and what will my body look like after this?

Will I need fake boobs when I'm done having kids?

I want another baby after this one, will I be able to have one? Will I really be 35 or 36 when I'm doing this again? Jesus!

Will I actually feel "light on my feet" my 2nd trimester? Is it as glorious as everyone says?

Will I be able to do yoga, for reals, ever again? (I have been really bad at it since I got pregnant.)

Will I have time to work out when blueberry arrives? Will I really make it back to hot yoga?

Will my husband still find me sexy after watching me deliver a baby, breast feed and my body change? What if he doesn't?

Work:

Do I come back to school on August 2nd when I'm huge or do I come back in October? (I'm due the 13th, will my doctor be able to write a note saying I shouldn't come back? I don't want to!)

Will this job drive me crazy enough where I don't want to continue to do it this year (not teaching, being Department Chair)?

Do I have to go to every meeting/training for the rest of the year even though I'm not doing this job next year?

What if someone walks in my classroom while I'm napping?

What if something happens and we need to use our sick days before using them for leave next year?

Who is going to do recycling next year? Will teachers/students continue to recycle without me?

Will my kids be upset there is no yoga anymore after this year? (I don't want to stay at school until 6pm when I could be home with blueberry!)

Who will sub for my classes next year? Will I come back to totally horrible kids?

How will I be able to plan for 11 weeks of lessons for a sub?

How will I avoid looking at my email wanting to be caught up on everything going on at work while I'm gone?

Will I ever be able to grade all these papers? When will I start? (Haven't graded anything since January 3rd, my heart just isn't in it!)

Money:

We only have one car that can hold a carseat - do we need another? How can we afford THAT?

Do I need a more reliable care, something newer, so that when I get in it just starts every single time (at least while the baby is little)?

Is it really $536 a month to add a baby to our insurance? How can we possibly afford that? How do I begin to search for independant insurance?

Who will watch our baby when I go back to work in October? How can we afford THAT?

Delivery:

What if I have to have a C Section? (I don't want one!)

What if I have to be induced? (Doesn't sound fun.)

I've never been in the hospital for more than a couple of hours, is it scary?

I get hungry and sick feeling really easily, how am I going to go without eating for hours and hours?

I can't chew ice chips because my teeth always hurt, is this the only thing I get to eat in there?

2 comments:

Allison, call me when you are feeling overwhelmed! We mom's all get through it, in all types of ways, but we get through it and believe me, once Blueberry is here you you'll be shocked at how 'easy' things can be. I love you, try not to get stressed out and seriously, you are so super hot, you will be hot as a pregnant lady and even hotter as a mama!

Ha, we are totally alike! Just ask my husband...I'm the biggest worrier around too! Lucikly he's been a good influence on me in our almost 4 years of marriage and it's helped calm me down a bit. He's the chill/skateboarding type that can fall asleep with all the lights on and even the tv on. I'm you're total "Type A" personality (love lists too!) and I have to have total darkness and silence to even start to fall asleep, and then sometimes I still can't beccause I can't turn my mind and the worries OFF...so I can relate to what you're going through.

As a fellow teacher, I also wonder what the transition to maternity leave and then back to school will be like. Will I even want to go back?! I won't really have a choice, but it makes me wonder. What's up with the crazy cost to add one baby onto your health insurance? Mine will be $320 more than I pay now-a nice low $20. Luckily that will cover any other kids we have in the future for the same price, but still isn't there a discount for just one baby?! Guess not!

Well, just know you're not alone...there are plenty of other worrying pregnant mamas out there too. Hypnobirthing has helped me chill out with some of my worrying thoughts lately especially to do with pregnancy and birth. And I love making vision boards about all the things I DO want to happen, instead of focusing on the "what ifs" that are constantly floating through my brain. Just some ideas... ( :