Troop Cuts Spark New ‘Army Of None’ Marketing Campaign

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — As the Army’s latest round of troop cuts gains momentum, the service has tried to foster a new culture of voluntary quitters with the new “Army of None” and “Be Small As You Can Be” marketing campaigns, it was announced today.

“Even though most soldiers were afraid for their jobs at first, the idea of a completely self-imploding Army is starting to resonate with the resentful guys we’re already kicking out,” Army Un-recruiter Staff Sgt. Michael Dietrich said. “The long-term goal is to get our volunteer force back to pre-1776 levels.”

For the most part the “Army of None” concept has not been effective at all, as all 40,000 of the troops in the first round of cuts have no civilian potential and left the armed forces against their will. Dietrich says the un-recruiting campaign is not to blame. “The slogans and posters are doing as good for the draw down as they do for preventing rape and drunk driving in the Army.”

Dietrich pulled a stapler from his ACU backpack while he unrolled another poster. “We really want to capture the feelings of abandonment and lost legacy in this approach,” Dietrich said while hanging up an un-recruiting poster of a rifle leaning on a tumbleweed with the slogan “Army Gone” superimposed. “If I had my way, nobody would ever be here to even see this poster.”

In place of soldiers, Congress has asked the Army to maintain a fleet of attack drones. “Without any human pilots, we’ve moved on to drone-piloted drones,” House Budget Committee Chairman Tom Price said at a recent press conference. “We’ve asked them to assign quality-control drones to make sure nothing goes wrong with the pilot drones and the drone drones.”

Price sees it as a matter of numbers. “Sure, the Department of Defense is firing thousands of servicemembers, but the budgets have really been slashed. It’s the only fiscally logical thing to do. As a nation, we have to cut down on defense spending to focus on creating jobs, especially in the departments that hand out benefits to poor people.”

The Army is not the only branch to suffer. Leaders have now been obligated to cut 99% of the manpower in the Air Force, Navy, and Marines in hopes of one day fielding the F-35 strike fighter.