It is a time of fear in the face of freedom, a time of an emptying country and swelling cities, a time for the widening of previous roads and the opening of new paths, yet a time when these paths are mined by knowing algorithms of the all-seeing eye. It is the time of the warrior's peace and the miser's charity, when the planting of a seed is an act of conscientious objection. These are the times when maps fade, old landmarks crumble and direction is lost. Forwards is backwards now, so we glance sideways at the strange lands through which we are all passing, knowing for certain only that our destination has disappeared. We are unready to meet these times, but we proceed nonetheless, adapting as we wander, reshaping the Earth with every tread. Behind us we have left the old times, the standard times, the high times. Welcome to the irregular times.

Last night, Krampus, the mischevious horned spirit of winter revelry, entered the fray. Krampus formed an exploratory presidential campaign committee back in April, and has continued to promote himself as a presidential candidate without creating a formal campaign every since. “Damn it, I’ll explore as long as I want to,” he has explained.

At a speech before the Iowa Corps Of Jesus Loving Voters Friday evening, Krampus issued a challenge to Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, and all the other presidential candidates. Krampus proposed holding a contest to identify the religious truth about the age of the Earth.

“I just got off the phone with Jesus Christ an hour ago,” Krampus announced. “Our kids went to school together, and we’ve stayed in contact ever since. I asked him how old the planet Earth is, and he told me, right down to the day of the week, the hour, the minute, and the very second. I say that we settle this presidential campaign business right now. There’s no reason to wait until 2012 to determine the outcome of the 2012 election. I call upon all the presidential candidates to declare how old they believe the Earth to be, and then I’ll reveal what Jesus said to me. The candidate who is closest to the truth will win the election, and everyone else will drop out, okay?”

Asked by a reporter if this process would circumvent the democratic process of voting to elect the President, Krampus responded, “Let’s not pussyfoot around the problem. Voting is over-rated. We’re talking about the truth here, not opinion. Jesus told me the truth, and I don’t see any reason to vote about that. I’m best buddies with Jesus, and that ought to be more than enough to reassure everybody.”

After this statement by Krampus, the presidential campaign of Michele Bachmann issued a response, saying, “For the record, Representative Bachmann loves Jesus more than anybody else. After praying on the matter, Representative Bachmann has decided that the world began on a Friday evening in late 1892, when far too many people were out drinking.”

1 comment to Krampus Knows How Old The Earth Is

Does Krampus represent Americanselect/UnityXX in this parable? Which would mean Jesus represents the american people, yes? At least we have Krampus to help us make the tough but necessary choices about the future.

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