Thursday, May 31, 2007

CRAPPLE.

Hey Snapple, what the fucking shitass hell happened to your advertising? First, I sat there shaking my head at your truly mediocre Super Bowl spot. And now, you give us this even lamer poster work? Do you really think that's a cute/clever headline? You don't see how fucking retarded it is? Here, here's a few other things that aren't good for one's immunity:• French-kissing a Bengal Tiger.• Copping a feel from a Gorilla.• Sucking a Hippopotamus's Dick.No, I don't know who the agency is, and don't give a shit.UPDATE (via commenter): the agency responsible for this Zebra shit is "creative" shop Cliff Freeman here in New York.(snapped in Washington Heights, NYC.)previously in stupid beverage ads:1. enviga. worse than confusing.2. Perrier. Shittier.3. 50's packin'. Nutrients.4. The ugliest cumulus cloud I've ever seen.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Untouched? How bout re-touching the cloud photograph? Or better yet, get a better photo. Which I could do right this minute with my cheap digital camera right from my office window. If I'm gonna taste a fucking cloud, it better be the best goddamn cloud I've ever seen. But why the fuck would I want to taste a cloud anyway, Fiji water? Aren't they full of dust and shit? IT BOGGLES...
(spotted on both NYC subway and NJ Transit. double tip from GG and god-warrior.)previously in stupid bottled water ads:
1. Anthropomorphism, to the power of Retarded.
2. Perrier. Shittier.
3. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Equine's Posterior® Award, May 2007 (#2).

By now, you've probably seen/heard of this series of ads out of Saatchi, London for Dr. Martens using dead rock stars (The other three ads feature Joe Strummer, Sid Vicious, and Joey Ramone.). The footwear company has fired the agency over the FLAP the ads have caused (The ad ran once in Fact Magazine, but somebody at the agency leaked all of them to the Internet.). What do I think? I think the ads are OK; kinda funny but too cheap trick-ish for my tastes.
No, this chocolatehorse's ass goes to Dr. Martens CEO Dave Suddens, who had this to say about the campaign:
"Our mistake was to say, yes, it may appear in the one-off edition. We did not commission it and did not even like it. I'm really terribly sorry."
Nice ant balls, Douchebag. Did not even like it?!?Who the fuck do you think you're kidding? You were probably bug-eyed cackling when the ads were presented to you; maybe even rubbing yourself under the table (OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a little.). Anyway, the apology would have been sufficient. Totally not Punk Rock, dude.UPDATE: reader eugens has a different take on this whole tempest in a teacup. He may be right. But, the award stands.previous Equine's Posterior® Award winners:
1. Alex "Bogus" Bogusky.
2. Michelle Gass, Starbucks.
3. Andrew Keller, CP+B.
4. Bob Garfield.
5. TBWA/Chiat Day creative dept.
6. New York Times' David Carr.
7. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.
8. David Roman, VP hp.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Shell game.

(click image to read copy)"Our smoke stacks emit flowers, our mouths—fertilizer."Cutesy colorful artwork is definitely in fashion these days with Earth's pals, Big Oil. Check out bp'scutesy-wootsey logo lockup. Also hot: cutesy names for flaccid alternative energy programs. bp has alternativenergy™ (shared "e" = cutesy) and Shell has Energise™ (combo of "energy" and "wise" = cutesy), while Exxon's is not so cutesy—Global Energy Management System (too busy counting money to be bothered with a cutesy name.).Anyway, to the above balderdash. The first line of the copy reads: "If only we had a magic trash can that we could throw stuff in and make it disappear forever." Why is Shell talking to Wall Street Journal readers like they're first-graders? Copy continues: "What we can do is find creative ways to recycle. Greenhouses use our waste CO2 to grow flowers (Ohhhh, that explains the grossly misleading illustration.). And our waste sulphur to make super-strong (super!) concrete. Real energy solutions for the real world."Big Oil companies spend a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a (you get the idea) of their yearly revenue on alt energy initiatives. Which is in stark contrast to the large portion of their ad budgets that goes to promoting them.With gas prices in the US heading towards $4 a gallon this Summer, you can bet Shell etc. are in a big-ass hurry to deliver "real" alternative energy solutions.previously in specious corporate ads:1. The Good Hands, Bad Taste People.2. 3rd ad of campaign: FoShizzle My Nizzle.3. "Trees are pretty. Let's use trees."4. Vis-a-vis BULLSHIT.

So, Reebok running shoes help prevent puking?

(phone kiosk on Broadway)Yes, running and puking and then continuing to run is crazy. However, the Kenyan (probably) runner pictured is running a race where he is, most likely, competing for thousands of dollars in winnings. THAT'S WHY HE KEEPS RUNNING AFTER PUKING. Which brings me to Reebok's dubious position in the running shoe market. RUN EASY? Are Reebok's shoes made better than other running shoes? No. Are Reebok's running shoes lighter than say Asics or Nike running shoes? No. Are they cheaper than other running shoes? No. In fact, their average price point is higher than many other brands. So, you're not really helping me at all "run easy" are you, douchebags? Which is why you put ZERO product benefits in these ads, I guess. But hey, thanks for the heads up. I will run easier. In my Brooks.(Reebok is also the bunch of idiots who introduced pink NHL jerseys for girls/women.)previously in specious sports marketing:1. Reebok's new ad messaging: We Know You Suck!2. Johnnie Walker. Official Sports Drink of the New York Yankees.3. Taglines are DUMB: New York Knicks.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #33.

Reports of my demise were premature. In today's Gawker column (link), I took a look at the invasive tricks up the sleeves of New York City subway and bus advertisers (which I read about in the AdWeek supplement Other Advertising [not available online]). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, type those three words up in my search box.

Who do I blame for your insipid advertising, Svedka?

It's true. Often, I am fake-hating on the ads I post here. Not so with Svedka vodka. As I've said, this witless drivel is the most asinine liquor advertising in history, and will continue to be the most asinine liquor advertising long after the SVEDKA_GRL (right) is a rusted pile of junk. And it keeps getting asininer! Here, we have an internet ad that when you click through, leads to blame.svedka.com. Do we actually find out any cleverly thought-out reason why Svedka wants us to blame them for our gay husbands? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?—tip from Joe Lamour.previously in Svedka ads:1. No, you're a bad ad trapped in a phone kiosk.2. Six stories of STUPID.3. THIS SVUCKS.

Monday, May 21, 2007

NYC Graffiti I understand, example #2.

As anyone who's ever farted out their penis can tell you, a full-on Penis Fartdoes make you feel both sad + glad. First off, you're sad, because, well, releasing farts out of the penis is not something a healthy body does. But you're also glad because it just feels so good to get ride of gas any which way you can. So testify, mysterious Manhattan magic marker man. Testify.(snapped on Crosby @ Bleecker)previously in streets of NYC:1. The first NYC graffiti I've ever understood.2. HOO-AH!!!3. The "Target" Bus.4. St. Francis of Broadway.

(DON'T) take me to The River.

The River, a church in the Village on Sullivan St., says they want me to "live life in all its fullness," to experience "genuine encounters with God. Because at the cross, God chose to get tangled up in the story of Humanity so that we can get tangled up in the story of God."Senior pastor Charles Park "says he "most identifies with Forrest Gump. Life is like a box of chocolates."That's all fine and dandy.What's not OK is to shove the bleak emptiness of my secular life into my face via smug cutesy subway advertising. "What was that all about?," you ask? Sorry, I can't answer that question because I didn't hear the question because according to the logical progression illustrated up there in your poster, I'm fucking DEAD. Go deeper? Yeah, I'll go deeper. Deeper into an abysmal crevice of crushing depression. Thanks much, you tangled up twatheads.—tip from New York Punk. previously in sanctimoniousness:1. Playing with God's balls.2. eHarmony vs. True.com3. Donny Deutsch's "Ten Tenets of a Media Mogul."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

SEND ME TIPS, YOU LAZY TURDS.

UPDATE: Back Monday, with normal posting.I, yet again, am so very very very sick of advertising today. So very sick, that it took me three fucking attempts just to type the fucking word correctly. So very sick, that I can't even muster a smidgen, a scintilla, an iota of fake-hate for the stupid fake business. So very sick, that I am, againasking you, my deranged readers, to send me tips, images, sightings, etc. Preferably advertising or New York City related, but really, I will post anything even mildly interesting. Because, I am TIRED.send them to: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com(pictured: clear platform stripper shoe with 7" heel and side money slot for tips.)previously in I am lazy:1. Today, I am a CEO.2. DEAD BULL: Victorious Matador.3. copyranter's new logo.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #32.

In what may be my last LWD column on Gawker, I decided to give away ALL my trade secrets about how us "creatives" come up with our "Big Ideas." The comments are pretty funny on this one (link). For the 31 previous Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in my search window.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Be the Balvenie Weenie®'s wingman.

The Weenie hasn't been laid since his nearly-empty bottle of 15-year-old Balvenie scotch was just barley germinating on the malting floor. His previouspickupattempts of this same local alcoholic blond all ended with the mouthless douche home alone in the dark, jerking off into old handkerchiefs while viewing secretary porn on the Internet. Anyway, to the present. IvanaBalvenie? Jesus Christ. Help him out, please. If you were the Weenie's wingman, what similarly idiotic (or foolproof?) line would you whisper into his stubby little ear?For the previous 10 Balvenie Weenie® posts, start here.

Apparently, no American Apparel male model can be hotter than pervy founder Dov Charney.

(click images for closer look)Which isn't very fucking hot. Two recent AA ads. Left: It's another sexy asian (dude's definitely got a touch of Far East Fever) with barely covered nipples. But then, his women's apparel ads are always sexsexsex and more sex. Right: Girls (and gay men), you get Mr. noodle-armed ex-con face. Who is pretty much on the same level of non-hotness you get with every AA male model.previously in American Apparel ads:1. Thongs.2. Stirrup Socks.3. Tight(s).4. Hooters Shorts.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Comment Moderation Panel.

Due to a couple of you pathetically (really) insisting on insulting my loved ones, I have turned on comment moderation. My Comment Moderation Panel is made up of Butt-Head™ and Plato®. One or the other most approve your blurb. Both have been given copyranter commenter privileges and have been encouraged to respond to your praise/criticism. copyranter resumes normal posting schedule tomorrow.update: To the anon who "challenged" me to produce comments aimed at my loved ones, well of course I can't produce them because I deleted them immediately. But hey, keep reading loverboy. Who knows? Maybe Butt-Head will approve your next typed pearl of wisdom.previously in eat my ass, including, but not limited to, the dingleberries:1. "I'm sorry you all suck."2. Flushing the Crankcase.3. copyranter's new logo.4. Official copyranter Mascot.5. tips are always appreciated.6. the beano jingle.7. What a DICKWAD.8. Google image search: "commenter."

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Milla Jovovich—not French.

(click image for closer look)I haven't really found any French ads to Blitzkrieg yet (except one "Quick" [a French McDonald's-like chain] cheeseburger tie-in to Spiderman 3 using a web visual that was absolutely disgusting. Pic and Post to come next week). So, here's a three-story Milla billboard just outside of my hotel. Yum.