Vogue essayist gets book deal after starving 7-year-old and/or putting her on a diet

A woman who put her obese 7-year-old on a diet, then wrote about that experience for April’s edition of “Vogue” has caused some controversy among bloggers who disagree with her tactics when trying to get her daughter to lose weight. Now, perhaps to capitalize on that controversy, she’s been offered a book deal.

Dara-Lynn Weiss, whom Jezebel called “one of the most (expletive) up, selfish women to ever grace the magazine’s pages,” wrote about the private and often public battle that erupted after her pediatrician said her daughter Bea risked health complications because of her weight. The blog called her methods “draconian, immature and affected by her own dysfunctional attitude toward food.” They use this excerpt to illustrate their point:

I once reproachfully deprived Bea of her dinner after learning that her observation of French Heritage Day at school involved nearly 800 calories of Brie, filet mignon, baguette, and chocolate. I stopped letting her enjoy Pizza Fridays when she admitted to adding a corn salad as a side dish one week. I dressed down a Starbucks barista when he professed ignorance of the nutrition content of the kids’ hot chocolate whose calories are listed as “120-210″ on the menu board: Well, which is it? When he couldn’t provide an answer, I dramatically grabbed the drink out of my daughter’s hands, poured it into the garbage, and stormed out.

I cringe when I recall the many times I had it out with Bea over a snack given to her by a friend’s parent or caregiver … rather than direct my irritation at the grown-up, I often derided Bea for not refusing the inappropriate snack. And there have been many awkward moments at parties, when Bea has wanted to eat, say, both cookies and cake, and I’ve engaged in a heated public discussion about why she can’t.

Weiss’ book, tentatively called The Heavy is described by the publisher as “an experience that epitomizes the modern parenting ‘damned if you do/damned if you don’t predicament,” according to mediabistro.com.

Indeed, one of Weiss’ main arguments is how difficult it can be to control a child’s diet in a society that has only recently seen a childhood obesity epidemic this extreme. According to statistics she cites from the Centers for Disease Control, obesity among kids has tripled in the last 30 years, 30 percent of children are now considered “overweight” and 17 percent of kids in this country are obese. In Texas alone, the CDC estimates the annual costs associated with excess weight to be $15.6 billion, and that number could grow to $39 billion by the year 2040 if nothing is done.

Unsure of what to do Weiss reached out to experts such as Joanna Dolgoff whose program “Red Light, Green Light, Eat Right,” gives kids a Weight Watchers-like plan for choosing which foods to eat. She signed her daughter up for karate, swimming and they started walking up the stairs to their fourth-floor apartment. Bea eventually lost 16 pounds and grew two inches.

Still, not only did Weiss have to fight with her daughter, who really just wanted to eat whatever tasted good like cookies and cake, but also well-meaning family and friends who really just wanted to see the young girl happily eating cookies and cake.

Perhaps those who judge me would be more sympathetic if they understood what we’re up against. Opposing forces mock us at every turn. School is a particular challenge. Bea’s school has a nut-free policy to protect allergic students. Should she attempt to walk through the door with an almond in her pocket, she’d practically be swarmed by a SWAT team. But who is protecting the obese kids when 350-calorie cupcakes are handed out to the entire class on every kid’s birthday? Who’s informing parents of treats distributed freely on Halloween? And ice cream the day before spring break? And pizza in honor of the class’s good behavior? In a situation where a single Hershey’s Miniature needs to be accounted for, this freewheeling distribution of high-calorie snacks is a menace to my child’s health.

Weiss freely admits her methods weren’t always the greatest as she chronicles, with honesty, her ineptitude when it comes to dealing with healthy eating. (Dolgoff tells Jezebel as well as Good Morning America that shaming a child or castigating them in public over food choices is definitely not a part of a good diet program.) But in the tradition of many parenting confessionals, she does not shy away from sharing those mistakes she made.

Parents all over this country are struggling with this issue, not with starvingtheir children, but putting them on a diet, a healthy way of eating whether they want to or not.

With any luck Weiss’ book will focus on her mistakes more as a cautionary tale, while providing some answers as to how other parents can navigate the slippery field of controlling another person’s appetite.

Parents, have you been forced to put your child on a diet. Is there any tips you can offer other parents?

44 Responses

My kids are both a healthy weight and have always been. I absolutely restrict their access to high calorie food wherever we are. If they want cake at a party, fine, but no cookie to go with it. When they were young and tried to fuss about that, I would give them the choice to comply, or skip any treat. I also publicly denied them desserts at parties and other peoples’ houses if they didn’t eat a reasonable portion of the healthy parts of the meal served. I also require them to choose whether they want a soda with a meal at a restaurant or dessert afterward. I don’t consider this “castigating them in public over poor food choices”, I consider this my job as a parent to raise healthy kids and to teach them about portion control.

There is a huge difference between what you’ve done and what this mother appears to have done. If there are already healthy eating habits in the family, a rogue snack a friend’s house is NOT the end of the world. A pizza party or birthday cupcake can be planned for (something extra healthy for dinner or fruit for dessert to compensate for those things. Or, maybe an extra active family outing over the weekend). But fighting with a seven year old and making her feel bad about those thing instead of teaching balance and choices? Not good. This girl is going to have eating problems for the rest of her life.

Congratulations on wanting a kid to eat healthily. My kids have deadly food allergies and thus we had to keep the cupcakes and commerically baked goods from them. If we were aware of the event we sent a “safe” treat that they liked so that they would not feel left out. Other parents are some of the worst opponents of heating healthily as we have been cursed out for asking that parents not send peanut butter sandwiches to school in pre-k and kindergarten. My daugther would eat every cookie, cake, baked good etc. if we let her, but those things are like poison to her system. Education, fresh fruits and veggies started at an early age, no fast food and nutritional discipline should be applied to children everywhere. You would see a decrease in ADHD diagnoses I am sure. Even adding the “gummies” from Juice Plus+ would be extremely beneficial.

I think that it is so important to have a healthy balance between fast food (or poor nutrition food) and other dietary supplements, and I only have fast food every once in awhile. As a child, I ate all sorts of fruits and veggies. I used to scream for veggie stir fry more than I screamed for McDonald’s. I was always encouraged to try new foods; and today, I am of a healthy/low weight (I am 5’5″ and 118 pounds) and maintain a healthy level of activity. I urge people to have a healthy lifestyle with whole foods and activity. Thanks!

Book will sell well with the Texas Lege. Since it will make money for her and the sales taxes will go to the State, how could it lose? The Lege, of course, will not spend a dime toward childhood education about food; Rick and the Ag Lobby would oppose anyone learning to count calories. But a self centered helicopter mom can provide an “all talk, nothing said” photo op to show that the Rs are “doing something” about obesity.

I learned about the food pyramid in elementary, middle, and high school; but I was not necessarily taught how to apply that in the real world. I learned about that by trial and error. The more natural the food is, the more the meal is healthy! I can track what I eat at home, more than I can at a restaurant when the food is prepared by others.

Actually, it’s kind of spot-on. When a parent withholds an important meal like dinner as “punishment” for something a 7 YEAR OLD ate at school earlier, that is a form of starvation. I would never send a child to bed hungry as long as I had food in my home.

I am really surprised at the low-key responses to this neurotic nutjob of a mother. By her own admission, she has ridiculed and embarrassed her daughter in public. Who fights with a 7 YEAR OLD child??? A neurotic nutjob, that’s who.

Of course, as parents we need to monitor our children’s nutrition and quantities of food, but to make such an issue of it is a perfect recipe for that child having major self-image and weight issues for the rest of her life.

I wouldn’t buy that book for a penny if it was going into that super-B’s pocket. My heart goes out to little Bea.

Sending a kid to bed without supper is an age-old punishment and it does NOT hurt the child to miss a meal.

Remember folks – every individual metabolizes food differently and carries weight differently. In high school my friend and I shared clothes. We wore the same size and were shaped the same. I was 85 pounds heavier than her. She lost 12 pounds and went down 4 sizes. I lost 40 pounds and went down one size. Stop discriminating against large people! Either that – or let every person larger than a size 6 stay home or go to movies at night or whatever, and all their bills and living expenses and luxuries too – shall be paid for by the taxes the “thin” people are forced to provide.

@Just_A_Thought: I think the issue for me is not that the kid didn’t eat dinner, but that a meal was used as a punishment. That’s just not something I’m OK with.

Now, withholding dessert for an infraction or for not eating something at dinner? OK. Refusing to make 12 things because a kid “doesn’t want” or “doesn’t like” something? OK. Telling a kid “you eat what I make, or don’t?” No problem.

I am just not a fan of, “you did something bad today, therefore you don’t get supper.” That’s not a healthy, related, or helpful punishment/discipline method.

I think that Gloucester should give your child healthy choices for breakfast lunch and dinner. You make something healthy for them and let them eat it. They dont get anything else until they do. Spontaneous should be admired in childhood but not to excess. I think if there is a party let them have fun but with reason.” Do you want the sucker or the cookie? If you eat that you can have water with your cake, that is it.” I dont take my kids out for fast food much at all. I usually wait until a family members birthday. I let my children have their childhood but i keep them healythy too.

I firmly believe you can watch your child’s nutritional intake and teach your child to make good food choices without being a complete and utter jerk about it to either the child or other people. I wonder what she cooks at home to show the child that healthy eating can be really tasty and doesn’t mean foregoing desserts. You just have healthier desserts that taste great without the sugars and fats.
Embarrassing a 7-year-old kid in public? Not. Cool. Also, anyone with even an ounce of nutritional education would know that a calorie range on an establishment’s board means, “You can add stuff to this menu item, and it affects the calorie count.” While the barista should have known that as well, for all we know, Weiss asked for exact calories for each add on. Who knows? And, really? Snatching the drink out of her daughter’s hand and pouring it in the garbage can is just a drama queen move. Sounds to me like this woman is looking for justification for being a raging witch. It’s so hard to be her.

While it is a parent’s responsibility to teach the child how to live a healthy, active life, I can assure you that public humiliation and playing on low self-esteeem is not the way to get there. I find it reprehensible that Mom told the daughter no cupcakes, then stuffed two in her mouth. Really? Do as I say, not as I do? I’m not a fan of giving every child a blue ribbon just for showing up, but I also know that an overweight child’s self-esteem needs positive reinforcement and good role models.

If she’d taught good eating habits in the first place, she wouldn’t have had to deal with this now. So, apparently she screwed up twice. Yeah, kids like sweets. My mother didn’t keep them around. She occasionally baked cookies but didn’t buy them. We loved it when they were around but, mostly, we were used to not eating them. And we ate vegetables by the plateful. Kids do eventually learn to like fruits and vegetables if you don’t let them eat junk in place of it.

My mother used to bring out plates and bowls of melons and berries during the summer for all of me and my friends when we were young. We would ride bikes, make forts, play in the sand box, play tag; and all of the parents would bring out good things for the children when it was time for a snack. We would enjoy carrots, fresh fruit, and lean meat sandwiches while we played outside! I can’t tell you how many miles that I would log on my bike during the fair weather months (I grew up outside of Chicago on the Southeast side with all of the lakeside effects).

I don’t understand why you don’t ask the calorie count BEFORE you get the drink. Something doesn’t sound right. Also, while her tactics might have worked, doesn’t sound like a good long term plan to encourage healthy eating in her child. Sounds like therapy is in the future of this poor girl.

I think if healthy meals are prepared at home, the children will learn to eat healthy nutritional foods.
I think it’s unhealthy to make a big deal about what the child eats at a party or at a friend’s house, unless they are allergic to it.
I think that the woman in the story is priming her kid to become a bulimic and have life-long food issues.

I can tell some of you people are among those that give a blue ribbon to every child at every event. Children need to learn how life really is. And, they can live it to the fullest only if they are alive! Healthy eating habits cannot be taught to some children; they need a firmer hand. I’ve known children that would raid dirty dishes, the trash, anywhere food might be found. A pat on the head and a “Good Girl” just doesn’t work. Before voicing opinions, one should have a little experience in life.

And what happens to the child who is teased at school for being overweight only to come home and have the parents ridiculing them as well. Depression is the number one cause of suicide. Teach children the good habits of eating in a positive way or it will just backfire.

Just because I don’t believe in shaming a 7 year old for making normal food choices (snacks at a friends house they everyone had, cake at a birthday party, hot chocolate that her MOTHER bought for her) doesn’t mean that I think every kid needs a blue ribbon for everything they do.

Yes, sometimes you have to be a hard liner and say, “you may not have soda AND cake. You may choose one” or, “if you don’t finish your veggies you don’t get….” Those are not the same thing as buying your kid a treat and then pouring it into the trashcan or fighting with a 7 year old in public. This parent is not in control and she’s causing a lot of damage.

Your child can eat all the healthy food you feed them, but if they’re at home on the computer or on the cell phone instead of outside running around like a wild banshee (like all normal children should), then they’re going to be overweight.

“I once reproachfully deprived Bea of her dinner after learning that her observation of French Heritage Day at school involved nearly 800 calories of Brie, filet mignon, baguette, and chocolate. ”

What school provides brie and filet mignon to their students? This child does not attend a Texas school. Yes, the food listed has calories but if our children actually ate such a high quality diet, you’d probably see less obesity.

They’ve cut recess in elementary school, kids are fed low quality food, and then they wonder why the kids develop an obesity problem. I don’t have kids but the problem doesn’t appear to be too much brie and filet mignon.

This is disheartening to me, as I recently witnessed my 5-year-old niece squeeze her thighs and say in a sing-song voice, “Healthy choices. I need to make healthy choices.” The way I see it is she’ll have the rest of her life to feel like utter crap about herself and her self-image–why must the hate start so early? Sure, help kids make healthier choices–but don’t TELL THEM what you’re up to. Don’t make it such a talking point that the child feels like something is wrong with him/her ALREADY. I feel the best way to go about it is to not comment at all about food, or classify certain foods as good or bad. Exhibit moderation in your own choices, cook a wide selection of foods, and don’t freak out if your kid goes to a party and has a cupcake and a cookie.

I recently had lunch with my kiddo at school and brought her some Chick-fil-A. Her poor classmate could not help but stare longingly at the nuggets and fries (that my daugther eats about once a week). My daughter offered her some, but she declined. “I’m on a diet,” the little girl explained. In 1ST GRADE. Oh, and let me also say that this kid was not really in need of the diet. A little puppy fat, as my mom would’ve said, but most kids have it. Puberty usually takes care of that.

I guess I’m just so sad because these kids see through what the adults are trying to do. They say it’s about health, but the children end up feeling fat and repulsive. In our efforts to promote health, we are just promoting eating disorders.

I have 12 and 15 year old daughters and I agree. Model a healthy lifestyle from day one and talk about good choices when they are a bit older. My 15 year old is packing on the pounds this year due to school stress, overindulgence in carbs and sedentary lifestyle. Not good. The kids only have to have 1 year of PE in high school. We offer our kids super elite challenge sports but not recreational sports. What do non-athletic 15 year old girls do for exercise? I feel like I need to lock her out of the house and duct tape her feet to her bike pedals so she gets some exercise. My 12 year old is athletic and gets tons of exercise. My husband buys garbage carbs that my 15 year old consumes in alarming quantities so I’m trying to break them of that and stock up on fresh fruits and veggies for snacks instead. I wish we had been more vigilant when she was younger but without shame or extremism but she really didn’t get chubby until this year with no PE and no sports as a freshman.

My daughter was a big baby–9.14lbs–and was always big for her age. But never fat. Until her father got her for his one month summer visit in July of 2005. He always thought I was just complaining to complain about how tough being a 24/7 parent was.
He brought her home 24 lbs heavier. Turns out he discovered I was right–making sure they had access to HEALTHY snacks, and were fed HEALTHY meals was a lot more exhausting than he anticipated…and he ended up doing his own fast food nation experiment on her. MickeyDs for breakfast, lunch..and either he cooked a full dinner or they went out to eat. My first thought when I opened the door and saw my baby was, “What happened?!!”
He refused to believe she had gained that much weight until he took her to the doctor for her physical before school. Her pediatrician, who’s treated her since BIRTH, was so PI**ED at him!
But, in the end, her pediatrician did NOT put her on a diet. He said he didn’t put children on diets because their bodies are changing so much, day to day, that their nutritional needs change day to day, and dieting would put that at risk. He told us to cut back on junky, snacky foods, make sure she gets exercise…and to put her on as close to an organic diet as possible, as the hormones, additives and other crap in most commercial foods actually encourage obesity. So, it’s been a struggle since, because as the author says, you can only do so much when you’re WITH your kid, and even less when you’re not. Yes, it is up to the kid, but if you’re a chubby kid, a fattening classroom snack is a conundrum…if you don’t eat it, your classmates will know why, if you do, you know you’re doing wrong. My kid went on her way, not worrying too much about her weight, but now that she’s a teenager and swimming competitively she’s finally, FINALLY, getting serious about losing weight, the right way.
I haven’t heard her mention losing weight when it comes to worrying about her appearance, clothes, or boys as a reason, which makes me so happy!

Wow…look at all of these perfect parents. Always watching what their children eat and putting down other parents who let their children have a soda and dessert with dinner…I must be a horrible parent. Everything in moderation is fine. If you rarely go out to eat, what’s it going to hurt if the child gets dessert and a drink other than water. And to humiliate these children in public over their eating habits is just stupid. If you feel the need to make your child feel like they are less than the dirt on the floor for asking for a cookie, YOU are the one who needs to be yelled at.

Yup. Everything in moderation except crack and heroine. Of course I’m fat so what the heck do I know. I’ll never be on the cover of Vogue but my daughters are smart, strong young women who hopefully won’t need too much therapy from my mothering.

Kiralind, I hope you are not pointing at me. we may not have enough money for drink and dessert for our kid. my parents started us on water….save money go to the movie with family. or just stay home and watch the tube….

No, I wasn’t pointing at anyone specific and financial reasons are completely different from publicly humilating a child. There are times I cannot afford to get dessert either. My point was just that I believe it is wrong to make a child feel like they are always doing something wrong when in fact, they are just being kids. I think this tactic that this woman talks about will eventually cause the child (possibly) to start hiding food and develop eating disorders. I do think kids should eat healthy, I just don’t think a cookie here or there is going to kill them.

I know ya’ll aren’t talking to me, but may I inject my 2 cents?
I think part of the problem is kids being raised WITH dessert. It isn’t an integral part of a meal, and I don’t think dessert should be a given.
Back when kids actually played outside yes.
After dinner after a particularly, physically demanding day, yes.
But night after night? I don’t think its necessary…and it actually encourages obesity.

I didn’t know where my bulimia came from because my mother insisted “we’re a loving and normal family”, but then I went into therapy and realized that, from the time I was a little girl, my mother would sit a plate of food in front of me, sit down across the table from me, and proceed to start a fight with me. I always left the table in tears, angry, upset, and hating her.

I had a peptic ulcer in the third grade and I was an alcoholic by the time I was a junior in high school Alcohol became unmanageable very quickly so I switched to prescription pain pills. I got into recovery when I turned 50.

My mother, upon hearing that I was in recovery, screamed that I was weak, stupid, and “easily led around by the nose” by my therapist.

Since removing my mother from my life I’ve found balance, peace, contentment, healthy eating habits and, finally, true love from a partner who adores me just the way I am.

Sometimes you have to get rid of a few things in order to gain a few things.

I’ve had to make some changes in my kids’ diets.
For us a restaurant gets expensive and no one wants to eat a salad while out. SO one thing that has helped us is before we get to the restaurant or party, I tell them that I will be ordering their food or helping them make their plate.
And all of us drink water when we go out.
Every time we go out, I remind them and no sad/mad faces, sighs, “aww!” are allowed. And then I will order an adult plate (or 2 childs meals) for the 3 of them to split. I get something that they like but just not so much of it. I may share part of my plate also.
As far as the school thing, well, their school has greatly limited the amount of “food from home” days. Only 3 events are students allowed to eat junk food as a group. That helps. I also make their lunch and they eat breakfast at home. That way I know what is being eaten.
I have stopped buying cookies and chips, except for unusual circumstances and try to switch it with whole grain crackers and healthier granola bars.

I think a lot of my issues with food go back to my upbringing. Everything was forbidden, so I took the opposite approach. It took awhile, but I am starting to get the balance and teach that to my kids.

Great… something tells me that if Bea were to somehow become a hollywood star, she’d end up being plagued by anorexia or bulemia with a nasty drug habit to boot. But as it is, she’s more likely destined to become the victim of low self-esteem and attracted to men who like to beat her. Who knows, maybe some welfare thrown into that equation. What a horrible mother and what a crappy way to go about teaching a child how to eat properly. You can and should restrict a child from eating most of the garbage society calls “food” these days, but there are a lot better ways to do that than by humiliating and tearing down the little girl. Thanks to this so-called “mother” for perpetuating mental health issues.

I see a child with future eating issues. Instead of restricting diet, why not simply encourage exercise , even in the form of play?
My parents did not watch my caloric intake, but I played outside after school every day for at least 2 hours, riding bikes, playing hide and go seek, etc.
I bet this woman finds it easier to pick on her child’s eating habits, than to make the effort to supervise after school play, which I would think she would need to do, if she lives in NYC.
ps. Gee , at my school and my children’s schools, we didn’t have such a lavish spread for French day….filet mignon? Really?

I have one thing to say. If the child was obese, then something needs to be done now while the child’s eating habits can be reformed. This child will end up getting diabetes when she is older. I think in later life, she will thank her mother for being a “Food Nazi”. When my father was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 40, my mother monitored every thing he ate. Because of her actions, my father is 84, and very healthy. I on the other hand got diabetes when I was 40, and I lost my kidneys, and I am now blind in one eye. Thank God for the selfless act made by the family of a 35 year old last March when I received a donated kidney, and a new chance at life

So how does getting a new kidney impact your life? Do you get to do things that you were limited to before? And since your father had diabetes, do you think that you were genetically predisposed? If so, does that mean that you need to take extra care in your life with healthy eating and maintaining an active lifestyle?

I doubt she’ll thank her. There is a WORLD of difference in being a food nazi toward someone who is an adult and your partner than someone who is a child and you have a power relationship over.

There is also a huge difference in being a good parent and helping your child make healthy choices/exposing a wide variety of foods/limiting sweets and fatty treats etc. and SHAMING a 7 year old for wanting a cookie. Or not allowing her to eat dinner when she was given richer foods at school (who also has a power relationship over her) or buying her hot chocolate and then snatching it from her hands and pouring it in the trash can.

I’m sorry you have health issues. That’s never something I wish on anyone whether or not their choices were the cause. And yes, if the kid is “obese” then she needs to eat healthier and be more active. But, there are ways to do that which encourage a healthy relationship with food and understanding of nutrition combined with activity outside the house (that’s FUN, I might add. No 7 year old needs to be sweating on a treadmill). There is no need to shame or ridicule your own child for wanting a cookie, especially when YOU are the one who taught her to eat them and ask for them.

Excercise plus dieting would be more effective. Call it Domestic Boot Camp. Rise at 5:00 am every morning. Do stretches and exercises. Immediately after school, more stretches, an hour jog, and power strength training. It’s called tough love. I know it’s gonna be tough, love, but you’re worth it. hahahahaha

When I was growing up, MCDonalds was a treat, a reward we got 1 time a month when my mom saved up enough money to take us there.

I allow fast food one day out the week on Fridays. I let me kids have Chick Fil A on this one day of the week because I too would love to indulge with pizza (my weakness). I discourage and explain the consequences of eating fast food and junk too often. I never say you will get fat (I hate that word) but rather explain the physical complications.

I believe you have to start them early. I make my kids eat fruit and i incorporate fresh spinach to their salads when they have no idea it is in there.

Most importantly I encourage healthy eating and I practice what I preach. Even when they aren’t with me I never stop to eat fast food no matter how hungry i am. I do not make that my easy way out.

You should only punished by depriving them of junk food but never of good food.

I struggle with getting my 7 year old to eat what is made (we try to get her to try one new food every time she stays with me and my boyfriend). She has food allergies such as dairy and peanuts, but we make sure that we make things that she would like, but she refuses to eat a good meal. She loves meat; so the last week I made BBQ ribs (she loves BBQ sauce and all meats) with baked potatoes and green beans (and only ate corn or raw baby carrots as a substitute). She only ate a few bites of each. Does that mean that I need to monitor her snacks later in the afternoon or make sure that she eats an appropriate amount of dinner so she is isn’t starving after her bath at about 7:30-8:15 in the evening? If we have dinner at 6:30-7. then I don’t think that she should be starving an hour later…?…