Pastors who say “If you don’t like us, then…”

There’s one conversation with new visitors that I’ve made a habit of having in the None Zone that I never did in the Bible Belt.

Ministry looks different

Ministry in the None Zone is very different from the Bible Belt.

As longtime readers know, a few years back I moved from rural Oklahoma (the buckle of the bible belt) to Portland, Oregon, often called the center of the None Zone. It is called that because the northwestern parts of America have the highest percentage of people who check “none” on the census or polls to indicate their affiliated religion.

So as a transplant, I try to share the ways how I’m doing ministry differently so that the rest of America can learn from my mistakes and “ah-ha!” moments for when the creeping secularization reaches their doorsteps–or maybe before.

Today, there’s one pattern of conversation with new visitors that I’ve made a habit of using in the None Zone that I never did in the Bible Belt–and I wonder now why I didn’t.

CC0 License

“If you don’t like us, then…”

When a new visitor comes to a worship service and we are able to have a brief conversation, I make it a point to say something like this:

I hope you liked today’s worship and education and service opportunities. If you didn’t and you are looking for something else, let me know and I can point you to other churches in the area that may have what you are looking for.

While not common, I’ve met with newcomers who didn’t feel attracted to our traditional worship service, felt it was too far of a drive (even though we have people drive in from 60 minutes away), or who were inquiring about ministries that we didn’t have at the time. And that’s fine: a traditional progressive congregation isn’t for everyone, and I was able to suggest some other churches (even beyond my denomination) for them to check out. I never know whether they found another church or didn’t attend at all; I just hope they did find some place to nourish their spirits.

In the moment, most visitors either appreciate the comment, or get a weirded-out look in their eye like “why aren’t you pressuring me to stay here?” I realized over time that it may not be a common practice in many parts of Christianity, and I wondered if it was a characteristic of post-Christian hospitality that I was picking up.

No sheep-stealing in the None Zone

I wonder if scarcity yields more collegiality than one might think.

When I was in the Bible Belt, I honestly didn’t want folks going to other churches. In a rural Oklahoma town of 3300 people, my church was the only viable mainline church in a town full of congregational (mainly Baptist) and non-denominational churches. We were different enough that I didn’t recommend visitors should go to other churches. I’m reasonably confident the sentiment was shared by other churches regarding our mainline one. Sheep-stealing is the colloquial (and derogatory) term for churches that invite other church’s members to attend their church instead, so it can feel competitive to attract newcomers.

But in Portland, there’s not a sense of sheep-stealing in the None Zone–just a celebration that people are attending anywhere at all. I find collegiality much easier with conservative evangelicals in Portland even though I’m a progressive mainliner. It’s not because I’m in the majority (evangelical churches have the majority attendance thanks to a dozen or so megachurches–though I could be wrong on that), but because I feel we are both in the dwindling minority and shouldn’t let our piddlying differences divide us.

If that’s okay for post-Christian context, why not for majority Christian context as well? Do people do this in the Bible Belt too? Do we celebrate growth wherever people find soil to grow? Or is it still a competitive thing?

Thoughts?

Your turn:

If you are in the Bible belt or heavily majority Christian context, do you learn about other churches so that you can recommend them to visitors? Why or why not?

If you are in the None Zone or lower-percentage Christian context,do you learn about other churches so that you can recommend them to visitors? Why or why not?

Comments

While Delaware doesn’t fall in the Bible belt- I say something very similar to the people I meet in our church. The reason, I would rather have them go somewhere and grow in their walk with God and their service for others than nowhere. I would consider myself an evangelical yet I realize that Different churches appeal to different people. I can help with that because of my knowledge of other churches and my relationships with the pastors and people who serve there.

I’ve served congregations in both the Midwest (Nebraska) and in the West (Southern California). I say almost the exact same phrase you do. I add one thing: “It’s more important that you find the right place for you and your family than for this place to have the blessing of your presence.” I frame it as an act of care because that’s how I think about it.

Reminds me of the movie “Miracle on 34th Street”, where Santa started telling people where they could find toys not sold at Macy’s at other stores – and how that marketing strategy really upped Macy’s “customer satisfaction”.

Knowing quite a few “none’s” (who are, more often than not, “spiritual but not religious”). There is a curious tendency among some churchy type folks to think that “nones” are outsiders, or “backsliders” – when in fact, it’s not only possible, but often likely, that those “nones” have actually moved forward the spiritual continuum – and are at a more progressed stage. There are conversations that might be helpful in working with that.

“I hope you liked today’s worship and education and service opportunities. If you didn’t and you are looking for something else, let me know and I can point you to other churches in the area that may have what you are looking for.”

This is a really positive step in the right direction.

Is it really possible after one or two experiences to know what someone is looking for? Do folks have a sense of what they are looking for when they came in the first place? Do CLERGY know what “nones” are looking for? (I can tell you it ISN’T “Jesus” or membership in a mainline organization.)

So what if what people are looking for isn’t an organization? Or a service provision strategy? Or a dogma overwrought faith tradition?

I have often said that “The Church” is trying to provide Stage 3 (Synthetic-Conventional) models to a Stage 4 (Individuative-Reflective) world – to use Methodist Dr. James Fowler’s model, (a model I find most clergy are embarrassingly unaware of). Easy to understand why there are fewer and fewer takers.

Take out the organizational component, and consider asking something along the lines, “Do you have a sense of what you are most looking for, or feel you are missing in terms of the spiritual dimension of your life?” What would be helpful to you to move towards a realization of that dimension?

If you want to try a new form of “ministry”, it may not be about recommending another store, but about understanding the products you are offering in one’s own store – and whether those offerings are meeting the needs of a wider group of people.

When I was in college, in the 1970’s, I was a department store Santa for a couple of years at a fancy store in Lakeland, Florida. I came with the idea to WRITE DOWN, what kids asked for to be sure that the store either stocked it, or knew that it was in demand. Same concept here.

I work for a UM seminary. I have always taken the approach that when I am working with a prospective student, if their interests and approach don’t line up well with our school, I’m happy to recommend another seminary that would be a better fit. The person is usually taken aback a bit at first, but then appreciative of my interest in them and desire to help them find the best place for their education. I see no reason why the same approach wouldn’t work with a church. Personally, I would welcome that when visiting instead of being sold a bill of goods about their congregation. I abhor drums and guitars and praise bands. I don’t judge a church for going that direction, to each their own. But it probably isn’t the church for me if that is what they do. I would much prefer the pastor say to me, “You know, we don’t have a service that probably fits your needs. But Church X does a very traditional style and you’d find a home there” rather than the sales presentation about how I’ll come to love the guitars and drums. So, keep on trucking with what you’re doing.

Sure. I live in OKC. Not rural, but definitely still in the Bible Belt. I’m on staff at Expressions Church — an LGBTQ-affirming, evangelical church. There are only a handful of fully affirming churches in the city, and we’re all a different flavor. A few are more high church, liturgical. Some are post-Christian, inclusive. There is a mainline but progressive one. And we fill that contemporary, evangelical, and affirming niche. And when speaking with visitors, we almost always point them to other churches as alternatives that might better suit their needs and preferences if we don’t quite fit what they’re looking for.

It may not be something all that common in denominational or other independent churches, but especially in the LGBTQ community, we are just happy people are seeking God. Better they should find a home in another church than just walk away from the faith entirely, as the Church in general has caused so many to do.

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and as a lay person I haven’t had these conversations about churches with newcomers (although perhaps I should!) but I have had them about offerings for young adults at churches. I am closely involved in two United Methodist churches. The young adult group at one church tends to be college students through age 25 or so with a charismatic staff leader, while the young adults at the other church are 25-35 and self-led. When I meet or hear of a United Methodist young adult looking for a fellowship group, I highlight the strengths and differences of both groups to encourage the seeker to determine which would best suit them. Reading this article encourages me to expand my knowledge of what other churches offer!

I do something similar, Emily. As a cradle Methodist I’m big on the connection and I’m happy to promote the strengths of one congregation vs what another UMC may offer. I didn’t realize parishes could be so territorial until a couple of years ago. I offer what I would want to be offered.