Category: family

okay. So I went and saw the oncologist today. I have a rare form of lymphoma(non-Hodgkin’s, a hybrid of two other types of lymphoma) that usually is found in men who are HIV+:plasmablastic lymphoma. I have always tested negative, but never have had a blood test for it.

The test, to find out what stage it is and where it is, cost over $30,000 alone. That does not include the chemo, EPOCH, that they want to put me on which would consist of being admitted to the hospital for five days , for 21 months, and have it pumped through me daily for that period. I am sure there are possible programs and assistance I could get, but I have seen people such as myself, with my social and economical standing in the system, and it is not good.

It just is more stress to be added on top of enough stress. The waiting, the wandering if I am approved or accepted, the countless personalities(some I am sure are not to pleasant) and the stress of it all, my poor mother and husband and I can not take anymore stress.

I have decided how ever long I have left I am going to rock out with my blazing light of divine joy and love. I have a purpose to fulfill here on this earth. The writing I have produced thus far, the books I am to publish within this year, and the art I am creating as we speak is meant to inspire someone or someone’s down the road. If I am not to complete my task they may not achieve the greatness they are destined for. I am here to inspire, to educate, to prepare, to enlighten, and to bring such joy to the world.

I will do what the divine light has set me forth on this planet to do. So be it.

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Found out last week my grandmothers colon cancer is back and it has spread to her stomach and her lungs. She started a new round of chemo, stronger, Monday; the past two days she has been so sick(she is 85). Recently found out my mother has a heart murmur and has had a mild stroke and a heart attack within the past year. I go for my biopsy results for the growths in my mouth tomorrow; praying it is not cancer. because if so that will make three of us(my husband, my grandmother, and I) who have it. I hope not. I do not know what the future holds for me family but it does not look good. We do not have nice things and we do not want nice things, but what we have we are in jeopardy of losing it. Because of the medical bills between my mother, my husband, and I we are two months behind on the house mortgage and two months behind on the utilities. Everything is falling apart. I am seeking help from multiple sources and as of right now, NOTHING! I have started a go fund me page and it has been up almost a month and nothing. If it was not for two of my dear old friends the cable would have been shut off sooner and we would have gone without food. Yes, I know churches and food banks offer free food, but my family and I need nutritious foods(not breads, meats, or canned veggies). Fresh vegetables, nuts, and grains is what we need. It is cheaper to eat unhealthy than it is to eat healthy(which makes no sense to me; makes me believe our country is out to kill us).

My senior was not what I expected. My best friend and I were sharing a room in my parents house. Having sex nearly every day. I got accepted to Georgia Southern University and he was preparing to join the Marine Corps. Towards the end of the summer things got bad. He and I started fighting because he was dating my youth pastor’s sister. What bothered me was he was using her. We fought and fought over this. Eventually lading to my first ever wrestling match. I went off to school an he had to wait until the winter to go to boot camp. He spent that time living with my parents.

My first year in college was amazing, My high school ring was stolen and my roommate was a filthy guy from Massachusetts , rob was the best roommate I could have had. He had no problem with my sexuality. The one thing he and I had in common was David Letterman. The TV was always left on his show as we both would pass out studying. It was during this time that I met my all time best friend, Melanie; still to this day I miss her. Lisa and Melanie where roommates that rob and I had met during some freshman events. Melanie was the Jewish girl with the wildest laughter and the best sense of humor. She loved music, except country, in all its glory.

It was shortly after spring break that my best friend from high school called me to tell me he was back from basic training. He and I had written one another when ever possible. I went home and had decided it was high time to tell him how I really felt. I expressed my love for him and his exact words, “forget about me.” A week later he calls me and ask me to be the best man in his wedding to his high school sweetheart. The same girl he had cheated on with me for three years.

The crazy thing, I accepted and even stood there with my mouth shut out of respect for all parties involved. Looking back I probably should have stood up and voiced my disapproval.

My sophomore year saw me gaining my independence. My Best friend, Melanie and I got a two bedroom apartment right of campus. That times was amazing. She, at the time, was a heavy pot smoker; we, in fact were very much the Odd Couple. I did not smoke tobacco, drink or even do drugs. Did not care for any of it. It was at the end of sophomore that I was accepted into the Walt Disney World College Internship program. Because I was going to be gone for six months Melanie and I decided it best that I move. I got my own apartment that summer before heading to Orlando the fall of my junior year.

My time at Disney was the most amazing experience. I tried pot for the first time while I was there and I got drunk for the first time. I turned 21 years old while I was there; so what better place to celebrate turning 21 than Disney, Orlando.

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Wednesday April 19th, 2017 everything in my world changed. I still have to have the growths in my mouth, biopsied, but when the Dr./Dentist refers to them as liaisons and that in his opinion it more than likely is not good and probably cancerous; everything changed.

Ever since then I have reviewed every last memory and minute of my forty one years here on this forsaken rock. It has been overwhelming. Everything from my rape at seven by my best friends, at the time, brother. To being accused of using drugs while living with a fellow recovering addict when in fact I was just trying to follow protocol in not actually using; which in fact sent me down a path where using drugs was all that would quench the pain. Very similar to what happened when one of my dearest friends abandoned me when I informed him I was having an issue with heroin use; it sent me down a hole that lead to me living with my fellow recovering addict friend. All the way to being used by my best friend and undercover lover in high school to get what he ultimately got.

Its all there, running around in my brain. All the times I have been treated lesser than, all the times I treated others well and was in turn given nothing but pain back.

I think of the time when working on the historic Marietta square and turned to strangers for their kindness, which in abundance they gave, but it back fired for my own demons and my husbands own demons took over when we left and again nothing but pain prevailed. Out intentions were good and pure, well at least mine was; however it back fired.

Now with all of what I am dealing with, I have to deal with all the debts I have not followed through on and paid promptly. Instead I chose to ignore them so I could feed my demons and please those, ultimately, around me.

On top of this shit storm of more pain, I have to deal with my mother. Whom is so selfish and greedy it sickens me. Money, money, money. Its been that way ever since I can remember. It was never about the money attempting to better us, it was all about how much will it cost.

With cannabis I have been able to block all those memories or pain, lies, and deceit. but now I am unable to smoke; and nor do I have the money so I can consume it.

I have repeatedly since age 7 been beaten down by others even my own family. I do not foresee the changes that are about to come to include me being around or near those that have hurt me and still continually do. I have been the problem according to, just about every one of these people. If this is true, then my final act of kindness and love to them all, will be removing the problem from their lives-for good.

And when I do I will not be coming back to this place or to the person I am right now.

I will grow, I will finally blossom, and the rewards only I will reap.

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Pork loin roast
Wrapped in bacon
Saturates the air
Bringing forth
Memories
Tucked away
In its goodness.
Eating green beans
From grannies garden
As bacon sizzled
And fresh biscuit aroma
Waffed through the air.
A circle of matriarchs
Gaggled as preparations
For the afternoon feast
Fueled their tales and gossip.
Those sweet stills from the past
Brighten the darkness
That attempts to corrupt.
Those sweet smells
Piercing the air
Reminding me of who
I AM
Shatters those fears
Those doubts
Bringing forth
Every moment
That has shaped
My heart
My mind
But not taking away from
The maddness that
Is me
But adding
To the uniqueness
And
Itteligence
Of my being.
Becoming fortified
By the shackels
Of the past.

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It has been almost a month since my grandmother started her chemo treatments; so far, so good. However, my mother is going through a process in a mother/child relationship, which she really should have gone through in her late teens and twenties. It is interesting to watch something you have already gone through play out before your very own eyes.

I love my mom and my grandmother, without them I would not be here today.

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The day is almost done. I steadily pounded the keys a majority of the day working on Amazon Mechanical Turk assignments. I am fearful that we will be homeless here soon and all will end badly. Why, you may ask, is because my mother has had to move in with my grandmother(whom was recently diagnosed with stage 3, level c colon cancer which has spread to her lymph nodes)We are at the tale end of our food, I have barely any gas in the van, I have know idea how in the world I am going to save my moms house; shelter and feed my partner and I; and somehow get medical/dental/vision insurance so we can get some care.My partner(whom also has cancer) got some help in New Orleans, but he has become so despondent and tired of the run around he has pretty much given up.

However, I come to my wonderful audience to thank you all for continued encouragements, retweeting my tweets, and sharing on Facebook. I have now reached 8 subscribers on My YouTube channel, Gendermoon. Slowly but surely.