Employee Ruins Pizza Party – And All Future Parties – For Everyone Else

Derrick Brown (Joe Benarick)

Dear Editor,

It’s inevitable. In offices around the world, there’s always that special someone: the man or woman who ruins office parties for everyone else. Typically, it’s a man; women ruin a lot in the workplace—fun, jokes, atmosphere, basically everything, but parties are generally the exception. Women also tend to ruin things outside the office like Monte Python, naps and anything pertaining to Kate Hudson, but I digress.

Last week, CT Scan, an internet startup specializing in products that let owners safely photocopy their cats, hosted a ‘Till Next Time Party’ for me, as I am leaving the company to start a band in Seattle.

I was mid-speech when I heard an altercation take place. I was explaining to everyone that it’s not goodbye, it’s ‘See ya later’ and next thing I know, Devaughn is shouting about the pizza. Turns out, my co-worker, Devaughn Bryant, had witnessed office party-pooper Craig Futrell splitting apart slices of communal pizza in an effort to reach large pieces that weren’t touching. Devaughn confronted Craig and a shouting match ensued.

Festivities were quickly shut down, effectively ruining my party, and possibly slighting my entire length of employment with the struggling company. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time Craig has been responsible for an abrupt party demise. As recently as St. Patrick’s Day, he was caught eating more than the permitted two donuts per employee in the break room, inciting bedlam among the staff when word got out that the snack guidelines and honor system had been compromised. Holiday donut parties were subsequently abolished. Now it appears as if the revered pizza party will follow suit.

Do I hate Craig for this? Yes. I’m leaving, though, which leaves all of you to fend for yourselves against his dastardly ways. My advice: keep Craig Futrell away from your office parties or soon, there will be no more office parties.