President Obama Quits Smoking and Threatens Collapse of Vital American Industry

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to a statement issued Tuesday by first lady Michelle Obama, President Obama has kicked his inconsistent smoking habit, and has not indulged in cigarettes for over a year. Sources inside the White House claim that Mr. Obama’s decision to quit tobacco came after daughters Malia and Sasha asked, “You don’t smoke, do you, Dad? You’re not going to turn orange from cigarettes and cry a lot like John Boehner, are you?”

Since that conversation, Mr. Obama has committed himself to ending his reliance on cigarettes with the same zeal that Mr. Boehner displays in committing himself to their continued use.

Obama’s Dirty Little Secret
Apart from being a closet Muslim whose legal citizenship remains in question, President Obama’s smoking habit has cast a dirtier, smoggier shroud over his political career. During the January 17, 2007, broadcast of Fox News’ “The Big Story,” host John Gibson asked Manhattan Institute senior fellow John McWhorter, “The question is would you vote for a smoker as president? John, is that kind of -- is that an impediment?”

Young Democrats of America’s Malia Lazu responded that Americans could take solace in knowing that this vice wouldn’t drive Obama to predatory homosexual advances toward congressional pages or to choking his mistresses, referring to the scandals that plagued Republican Representatives Mark Foley (FL), Don Sherwood (PA), and countless others.

McWhorter chastised Lazu for using character attacks against those politicians, whose “private lives have nothing to do with their records of service to the people of this country.”

Nonetheless, Mrs. Obama’s revelation of her husband’s healthier lifestyle choice has wedged a greater divide between Mr. Obama and his Republican counterparts.

House Speaker John Boehner, his eyes welling with tears, told reporters, “It’s not personal. This is just another elitist attempt at undermining American values. Tobacco was one of the country’s biggest cash crops back in the good old days, and it helped propel the nation to economic power. President Obama’s decision to quit smoking could serve as a dangerous example to millions of other smoking Americans. Then what happens? People stop buying the product, that’s what, and an entire industry crumbles. It goes to show how empty the President’s rhetoric is when it comes to being ‘business friendly’ and ramping up the economy he sabotaged with bank bailouts and unemployment.”

Boehner has historically been a champion of the entrepreneurial spirit of tobacco manufacturers. In June of 1995, he handed out “about a half-dozen” checks from the political action committee of tobacco company Brown & Williamson Corp. to fellow Republicans on the floor of the House.

Boehner’s chief of staff at the time stated, “We were trying to help guys who needed to get their June 30th numbers up, their cash-on-hand numbers up. All leadership does this. We have to raise money for people and help them raise money. We have to support the needs of America’s small businesses. These are farmers. We must save the country’s agricultural workers.”

What Else Don’t We Know?
During the same 2007 Fox News interview, McWhorter astutely reminded Gibson, “The point is: What else do we not know about Barack Obama?”

Political figures and pundits across the country have raised the same concern.

Fox’s Glenn Beck asked, “How can we trust this man? His own wife told the New York Times, ‘He never smoked a lot to begin with; I never saw him smoke.’ What else has the President done that his own family doesn’t know about? Who did we put into the highest office in this land? I’m not sure, America. How can you be?”

Other critics of Obama, who point out that the most powerful man in the free world is also one its most powerful hypocrites, cite the White House Super Bowl celebration as another example.

Fielding questions from numerous media outlets, Mrs. Obama was forced to admit that the dinner was a fatty trough of cheeseburgers, sausages, hot dogs, and fried vegetables -- all in stark contrast to the first lady’s prominent public sponsorship of a healthy eating agenda.

Said one correspondent from the Wall Street Journal, “Before they banned smoking in the Speaker’s Lobby, John Boehner used to spark up so often that one of the benches where people used to smoke was called the ‘Boehner Bench.’ One of the benches in the Oval Office, where President Clinton used to share cigars with his female aides, was called the ‘Boner Bench.’ So all of these actions are fine as long as they occur in moderation? If I snorted a line of blow off the Bill of Rights but then ate an orange, you’d be okay with that? It’s preposterous.”

After enduring an onslaught of aggressive accusations and questions, Mrs. Obama also admitted that she’s never seen her husband go to the toilet, bless someone after they sneeze, wash his hands before dinner, dunk a basketball, or change the tire on a car.

“And she’s also never seen her husband’s birth certificate,” Glenn Beck added during a political commentary. “Who is this man? Your guess is as good as mine. And I’m starting to wonder if he’s even human.”