My mum passed away in May. My aunt Gracie had to move to a nursing home as she has dementia. Thing is, she will go for more than a week perfect normal but then fades out. No one told her mom passed away. Her brothers ordered us not to in no uncertain terms. Mom and Gracie were joined at the hip. They were sisters that never were apart for more than a few days. She is now calling us wanting to talk to mom. I can't even visit her as I cannot lie to her ... My God what a mess. I think it is not right but her brothers are the ones that have the power of attorney and health proxies. If I tell her ... family chaos

Dan, it's not real easy to know what to say about that. Sometimes with a dementia patient, each time you tell them that a loved one has died, they will suffer serious grief...and then, before long, want to talk to that person again anyhow. One would have to know your aunts personal condition right at this point, to judge what would be best for her, and even then it might be hard to say.

Oh my! That is truly rough, Dan. But, if she thinks of you the way you think of her, visit. And, when she asks, lie? Tell her whatever... tell he yer Mum has a flu and would like to visit but does not want to pass on the flu but she'll be in touch when she is better and then change the subject? You could tell her the truth, but, as has been said... gosh. That's a rough one. As rough as they come.

Dear me. I feel your pain, Dan. My "advice" above is pathetic because I am just grasping at ideas. I hope someone herein can provide something better than my thoughts.

Thanks for sharing, Dan. It's something all of us should think about and banter and brainstorm about.

I may not be able to help in a tangible way, but I am here alongside this wonderful crew of sailors and it gives me solace to sail with them. If nothing else, Dan, I hope it does the same for you.

Dan, I agree with Frogprince's writing that "Sometimes with a dementia patient, each time you tell them that a loved one has died, they will suffer serious grief...and then, before long, want to talk to that person again anyhow." I went through that with my uncle when he would ask when his wife could visit him. I finally learned to say that she was busy today (with others in Heaven, I thought to myself), but had sent me to visit instead and to let him know that she was well and missed him, too, and would be with him again as soon as possible.

Nigel, I wish I did live near Charlotte or could travel there to meet you.

Dan,do still visit your aunt, you don't need to lie, just move the conversation on with " I am sure she is missing you too" or something similar. My mother has dementia and never asks about my father anymore, although she remembers him, they were married 67 years. She talks about him and recognises his photo, I think deep down she knows he has passed away but after the first weeks of grief she seems to have moved on .However my brother had a heart attack a few weeks ago, he is the apple of her eye and saw her 4 times a week. I was dreading telling her he was ill. The first week I said he had car trouble and she accepted that and didn't ask again where he was.He has only seen her once a week but she does not appear to miss him. Dementia affects people in so many different ways but one thing I am sure of is that they will never react the way you expect! Three golden rules, be guided by them, never disagree , and don't ask any direct questions. Very difficult to do but it does work!

Your relationship with your aunt is important to you both, just visit and talk about mutual memories , or just hold her hand.She loves you and will be happy to see you.

Dear Dan, I'm so sorry to read about your desperate situation. I can but echo Wendy's wise words & remind you that you have the love & support of the whole Rainbow Crew. Pete Jennings' post makes good sense too. With Love, Nigel. xxxx

To lighten your hearts!! We celebrated mothers 90th birthday at thw weekend. I had two birthday cakes and ninety candles. I was going to put 50 on each but my granddaughter of 7 said" No nonnie, you must put all the candles on one cake.So .............

The flames were six inches high, the wax melted and covered the cake, we spent forty minutes hacking the wax off!! The cake was lovely minus icing!

Haven't had time tø post (pardon weird symbols - rate of death o computer is speeding up and keyboard now has a mind o it's own) but have been checking in, rowing, singing, celebrating that whiçh warrants it and holding all in my thoughts and meditations. Sorry to no be able to address each personally on the forum. Know that all of you are addressed personally in my heart.

All things considered, I think Ann & I are not doing too badly. Yesterday was special & a first for the two of us. The original head teacher (an Oxford Alumni) for whom Ann worked, a wonderful lady now in her nineties, invited us out to lunch at The Oxford & Cambridge Club in Pall Mall, London. Originally, of course, a 'Gentleman's Club', now welcoming both sexes happily through it's huge & totally anonymous front doors. There is absolutely nothing on the exterior of the building, not even a discreet brass plaque, to indicate that 'this is the place'. If you are a member, you know the address & that is enough. Ann & I have never visited such a club & really didn't know quite what to expect. Despite the grandeur of the setting, it was friendly & welcoming. I had to observe the dress code (Jacket & tie...I possess one of each!), but other than that, a very pleasant, extended lunch, followed by coffee in one of the most beautifully decorated lounges we have ever seen. Back in the real world, we are approaching the first 'anniversary' since Jane died. Monday 9th September would have been her 48th birthday. She shares this date with her eldest son, so we will be celebrating, but in a changed & different way. Like going to the club, we don't really know how the day will go...a slightly awkward mix of happiness, tinged with sadness I imagine. Much Love, Hugs & Kisses to All, Nigel & Ann. xxxxxxxxxx

it seems strange that we talk of celebrating the life of those we have lost. and yet such a positive aspect may deflect some sorrow, and even worse ,destructive bitterness. in your case ,nigel, it seems that being thankful for what you and ann had ,rather than harbouring a bitter spirit, has evidenced your caring and thoughtful comments on this voyage we share in. blessings pete.

gnu said - I am staring at the keyboard. I know that must sound poorly but... there it is. I know someone will have something better to say so I shall defer.

When my good friend John Dengate died 5 weeks ago, all I could reply to his wife was - 'very sad news - love to all. I have no other words at the moment'.

I still haven't been able to say much more to her tho we've had many emails & have met up several time, most recently last week when she gave me his ties to use in quilting. She said I'd expressed my admiration for John so many times over the years that I didn't need to say anything more.

His songwriter & poet friends have all found the words to express what I feel.

As always, your gentle wisdom & compassion supports & comforts us. Yes, we will get through tomorrow; there is much to celebrate, much to remember & much to be grateful for. Gnu, when you posted: "I'm staring at the keyboard........". Sandra, your post which includes the words: "I have no other words at the moment". ChanteyLass:"Bittersweet...." Pete:"it seems strange that we talk of celebrating the life of those we have lost". Wendy, your hugs & kisses. Pete J., enjoy your shore leave. Your toast is reciprocated. Each of these fragments come together to form a single entity which is tangible, embraceable & so meaningful. The sea is calm & there is just enough wind to fill the sails. Onwards we voyage...... With Love, Hugs & Kisses, Nigel & Ann. xxxxxxxxxx

Me too Janie......The 'Cat has been so slow lately that I haven't waited it out and not bothered trying repeatedly. Glad I made it today!

This thread is always close to my heart. I have seen some postings by Wendy on FB and greatly enjoyed her pictures and have touched some other bases as well but it frankly pisses me that this site seems to have slowed down so much and become less useable than I can ever recall. I think it bothers me more now than before because of this thread............

I'm okay. Things have developed into a pattern of sorts with the treatment. And that makes me think of Nigel's comments above.

My Mom and I were very close and when she died I was 18 and in college 250 miles away. We'd been expecting this for a long while but my Mom was always very positive to everyone except perhaps my Dad who played along with her attitude towards the outside world. When I got back home finally late in the night, Dad and I talked for several hours. The one thing he said that struck me then and now was, "Not a day will go by that you don't think of her." He was more than right.

At first it was so far out in front of my thoughts it was painful. But as the grief process took place the pain lessened and some happiness in her memories took over. The dates of importance began to kick in and again at first they were at best bittersweet but as time passed two things happened. The daily thoughts still occurred as they do even today but they are brief thoughts relating to something or nothing....brief thoughts that bring me a warm feeling. Special dates became more numerous and they came with happier memories and limited sadness or melancholy. Those times which at first caused me so much pain became more numerous and gave me real joy in the stories I recalled of her. Now I value those special days as times I can tell stories about her and bring her back to people who never knew her. And she's back without tears and often with smiles and laughter.

Same thing when my Dad died a few years later. And as I've gotten older and lost close friends, they too have entered the pattern. Awhile back I wondered if perhaps I was too involved with dead folks so I asked Karen and a couple of others if this might be the case. They didn't think so and had never really noticed. They just enjoyed the stories most of which had me as the "butt of the joke."

I have no idea if any of the above makes sense in any way. If it does I'm glad and if it doesn't simply write it off as the ravings of a lunatic mind .............

Wendy, I've been admiring the light too. There is such clarity to the air and the colors and the sharpness of the mountains against the sky. I found myself telling someone this morning that it is 'Autumn air'. And perhaps it is.

Nigel, you and your family will be in our thoughts tomorrow. I find anniversaries difficult. The hardest one for me is the relentless slipping into the past. I have many happy memories but sometimes...

Two thoughts: About whether to tell your Auntie, Dan, that her sister has died, I once read that it is not to the old but the young whom one must fear to deliver bad news. The old have had many losses and have learned to cope.

And regarding your planned trip to Charlotte, North Carolina, Nigel, Bobert lives not far away. If/when you meet him, I think you'll find him a joy.

Ann & I made it through 9th ok. We shared some tears, sitting in the car as we were about to return home from shopping. A day that we were both dreading, turned out very differently. Jane's eldest son, who shares the same birthday, cooked (he has inherited his Mum's love of & talent for, cooking) an enormous dinner for 15, including cake, candles, the whole kit & caboodle. I received a tax refund & Ann's brother invited us to spend a week in Truro, down in the south-west of England. Happy Birthday, Jane & S. Jane, you would've been so proud of what your son prepared & how he conducted himself. As Wendy would say: "Sailing on......" Love, Hugs & Kisses to All, Nigel & Ann. xxxxxxxxxx

Wishing the whole Crew a very good morning, appropriate to your time zone. I spent my tax rebate updating Logic 9 to X(10!). Now all I've got to do is compose something! Quiet aboard at the moment...hope that is an indicator of 'calm waters' in every sense. With Love, Nigel. xxxx

To all my American Friends & those from other countries equally distressed, my humblest, shamefaced apologies for allowing 9/11 pass without so much as a single word. Tax rebates & new software, that's what I was prattling on about. I'm appalled that I could be so forgetful & thoughtless. Sending you much love & caring thoughts, belated though they may be, Nigel xxxx