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Everything posted by JennieWren

Aaaaaaargh!
went for an appointment to review my medication. The very kind gp asked me a lot of indepth questions but then didn't seem to be listening to my answers. I carefully explained about OCD and he asked me whether I have thoughts about harming myself or others. I said yes, and explained about OCD again. And then he asked me the question that makes me feel so unheard, ashamed, and anxious, "do you think you are a danger to yourself and others? Are you going to harm others?".
im a very polite person and explained I wouldn't but in my head I must admit I was very angry at being asked this again. I know this is a ranting post and that doctors are not mental health experts but really I had just talked it all through with him and this type of thing happens sooooo often!

It sounds tricky because so far if you've put the work in, and done the exposure you've had good results. In your shoes, I would panic and feel doubly anxious about the fact that I was still so anxious, if that makes sense? I know I struggle if the process I'm following takes an unexpected turn or isn't working out how I imagined.
I think the way to approach this is that this panic and anxiety is a signpost to something. It could be a lack of cognitive understanding or the knock on effect of being unwell or stressful life events. I think it is worth discussing with your therapist to try and get to the bottom of it.

So in my life I have a lot to be grateful for, but there are a lot of actions/ways of thinking, which I repeat which means I can't build the future I want. I can't keep friends, I can't travel abroad, I'm exhausted by social interaction and I've hurt the person I love the most a lot because of my mental health issues. I can forgive myself but what will that change? I'm still me, and I'm having to face the fact that I'm really messed up. Sorry to hijack the thread, but what if the problem is just ME. And however much forgiveness I throw at it, I still have to get up tomorrow and be the same person.

Thanks for your amazing reply and I agree in principle with what you say. I feel confused now as to whether I got it right or wrong. ?
I'm just really tired of repeating myself and being asked such tricky emotional questions in such a practical list like manner. And I have had so many genuinely poor interactions with health professionals to do with my mental health. the beurocracy and the form filling.
its really tiring having mental health problems. Whether that's down to my skewed interpretation of events or meeting people with genuine ignorance. I'm tired of having to explain myself over and over. I'm just tired of it all. How I interpret life and how people misunderstand me.
Yes!

I had horrendous pre and post natal ocd with both my children, the hormones did a complete number on me. For me, a low dose of antidepressants really really helped to correct that and I felt a lot better after they kicked in. I appreciate you have good reasons to refuse medication, however, I believe that you can easily come off the minimum dose if you want to and they could bring you a lot of relief. I think it is at least worth discussing with your psychologist. You have a right to enjoy this pregnancy and your new baby.
im really glad you are having professional support. And remember that your worries are actually very common for most new parents. When I discussed it with my mentally ‘well’ mum friends they had all kinds of crazy intrusive thoughts,they just found it that bit easier to dismiss them. Crying every day whilst pregnant, and thinking you are going crazy is not unusual. I know this is more serious as it is ocd, but pregnancy is tough for most women. You are not alone, and it’s going to be ok.
I had terrible intrusive thoughts related to harm and all sorts of things. It was very tough as I didn’t get an ocd diagnosis until my second child They thought I had general anxiety. But even so I found so much to enjoy from being a mum. And if you don’t right away, that’s ok too. My sister didn’t bond with her baby till she was a few months old. Now her daughter is 4 and they have the closest most loving relationship. Just keep talking and reaching out for all the support you can get. And please consider antidepressants.

Well this sums up pretty much my whole problem. Actually let’s shorten it to
i fear not being able to control
and then add: myself/others and their actions/contaminants/accidents/my health, illness. The list could go on.
It’s like I grip everything too tightly and my imagination is so vivid, and I know how terrible the world can be. Even though actually, nothing really bad has happened to me.
i think my advice would be to approach others, even strangers from a point of trust. Not naivety, but giving people trust first and then removing it if they betray it. When I’ve managed to do this I’ve experienced the opposite of my fears mostly. I find kindness and helpfulness and generosity. You need to try the opposite of what your brain is telling you. Decide to really go against the grain.

I don’t have anything to add to this discussion. However, I am really glad you started this thread Ashley. For a lot of us there is a lot of shame and secrecy around our obsessions, and it can be near impossible to discuss them with anyone. I think it is really important to move past this so the right help/approach can be found. I don’t know your emotional response to your issue here, but thank you for leading by example.

This is a really great insight and something you can work on. For that reason I don't think you should bring it up with her again. Instead you could try to work on this need to be in constant agreement with your partner. I know easier said than done, but now at least you know what your mind is doing.

I've been thinking about this a lot, which lead me to read a bit more about female autism which seems to have different characteristics to those which men experience?
and although I would never be diagnosed as having aspergers, out of interest I took a few online tests as I have significant problems keeping friends, I find social occasions extremely stressful etc. What came up is that my personality is split pretty much down the middle of neurotypical and aspergers traits. Some of those traits have diminished as I've grown up and developed coping systems. This has been helpful to understand as it helps explain why I find certain things very very challenging.
Orwell, I think exploring this could be very useful. Ok so it means you may always have significant challenges in certain areas, but at least you'd be able to find the right approach in therapy for you. And as I see it, you probably have traits that make you exceptional in other ways. They are worth celebrating.

So my homework this week from my psychotherapist was, ‘why do I need to know’.
im finding this very confusing to answer as it’s more of a feeling of urgency and obsession. I am constantly trying to understand who I am, to understand my past, how I interact with the world, why I can’t/don’t keep friends. Why I’m so sensitive to everything and what that means. It’s like a giant puzzle I have to figure out or else.
But without that need to know I would never have found out that what I was doing was ocd, I would never have changed so much about my way of thinking that was causing me to suffer. I wouldn’t be as strong and challenging to myself as I am.
the opposite of needing to know is uncertainty and being able to accept that. But I find it very difficult. But I don’t know why. Every time I put it into words it falls short. Is it just a personality trait? Can it be that simple? Advice please!

Yes I thought I should stay away from kids as I had inappropriate thoughts about them. I decided I should never have children. Luckily I’ve always been a fighter for things that I really want and did it anyway. And yes I did have a very rough time but it was a 100 percent worth it.
i think if you don’t have family nearby it will be harder but my sister has mental health problems with no family nearby, and she finds support from online friends, local friends with kids (she joined the nct). Also, she set up a therapist to meet with regularly through pregnancy and after, to talk through stuff and get her medication right.
for ME so I can’t know how it will effect you, having kids has made my ocd worse and better. Worse because of the sense of responsibility and my fear of causing them harm directly or indirectly. And better because they forced me to face my fears and they forced me to live in more the moment. They are fun and interesting and they love me and being around me. They allow me to be childish again, and to play. They have been a powerful motivator in aiming for recovery and they have proved to me unequivocally that I am not the monster I thought I was quite the opposite.
whatever you choose, not doing something because you are afraid is always a bad choice. Especially if you really really want it.

Zazoo I had this exact theme with both my kids and I got through it. By saying you could never deal with having kids you are giving credibility to your fears. If you want kids go for it. Yes it won't be easy but it's worth it. But you would need support and professional help. Well I have anyway.
i would also like to say the thoughts, groinal responses etc were terrible. But by facing my thoughts I got through it

Actually lost i could do with your positivity right now. Hopefully in emoji form? ❤️
I've got a never ending head cold, side effects from starting sertraline and my psychotherapy has brought up so much pain and anger. I could really do with some encouragement. So many things about my life are amazing but today I feel broken.

I had pre and post natal OCD with both my pregnancies. Now I realise it was just OCD and that it's something I've had for a looonnng time. It's not always easy but my children are well adjusted well loved and Fine.
even when it's been hard it's always been worth it. If it's what you want go for it.

I love your positivity and how you cheer people on. I think your caring and thoughtful posts help a lot of people, including myself. You don't come across as having too light hearted an approach . Please keep posting in your usual way. I think you are awesome and very valuable within this community.

I'm so glad you've managed to stop some of the more extreme responses you have to your fear. The thought of you thinking you need to shower in bleach is upsetting. But thank you for sharing as it shows the challenge you face.
I think slow change might be the way to go. If you can change how you shower, you can slowly change other behaviours. Could you try giving yourself one challenge?
The dentist might be a good one as they tend to be very clean and use gloves and sterile instruments.
So, things that will challenge you but not overwhelm you?