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Monday, May 13, 2013

She writes the tune that makes my heart sing

How the hell did that happen?

For
so long, I was feeling broken, damaged, bruised. I worked hard to make my way out. I tried everything to repair the fragments of
my broken heart and glue back together my shattered life until one day, I
caught myself in a moment and realized that I was feeling pretty well healed,
strong, and even peaceful. The pieces
were finally coming together and my life began to feel like my own again.

Then
it happened: timing being the all-important factor that it is, and Mighty Musician being the best surprise that I never
saw coming, I began to feel a real
change within. It started as a shift
between us, subtle at first, followed by a sudden change in direction in our already-in-progress
friendship, and then a leap of faith involving a couple of open hearts and I found
myself (and continue to marvel) in utter bewilderment: I'm happy. Beyond that,
actually; I'm excited.

Nobody is more surprised than me. I'm looking at my friend with a new pair of
eyes. And she's seeing me in a way that
few get to do or have ever done. Honestly,
it's fucking terrifying. I feel so very
exposed with Mighty Musician - she already knows me and there's no bullshitting
her. Better than that - there's no
bullshitting myself. And yet, feeling
that vulnerable is a bit like skydiving: it's thrilling, exhilarating and
frightening all at the same time. I feel
like I'm flying and falling simultaneously.

For
a long time, all I wanted was to press fast-forward on my life so that I
wouldn't have to feel the feelings that overwhelmed me. I knew that the healing would come eventually
but (and I know this is NO surprise to you all) I'm impatient like a
motherfucker, so I would desperately pray for a fast-forward button. 'Please,
just get me through this. Please let me
survive another day. Please let tomorrow
hurt less. Please let this mourning
period end quickly.' And now I find
myself in a completely different head and heart space: I want to press the
slow-mo button just so that I can soak up every second of this time. I want to take it all in, remember every
moment and detail with perfect and irreversible clarity. I want to enjoy this for everything it is.

There
is something so very special about working through your bullshit, putting your
life back together and then finding the most lovely surprise waiting for you
when you do. She's holding a single red
rose and she's written you a song that makes your heart sing. That, my friends, is what bliss looks like.