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Rate a joke, tell a joke!

This game is simple, a poster will post a joke and then the next poster rates it out of 10 and may or may not give a reason and then they tell a joke of their own, and so on and so forth.

Rules:
1. ALL Sppf rules apply
2. No spamming or rude comments
3. Try not to tell any greatly inappropriate jokes
4. Have fun, this is a game after all, and with jokes!

I'll start off with a classic I heard from somewhere :

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend didn’t dare make the leap. Y'see he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says
“Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"
But the second guy just shakes his head. He says
“What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!"

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend didn’t dare make the leap. Y'see he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says
“Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"
But the second guy just shakes his head. He says
“What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!"

Adjudicator So, I must ask if anyone knows of any lawful reason why this pair should not be married to declare...
Destiny She's got fleas!
Marion She's his freaking sister!
Vince She's got a **** like an Argos stockroom!

Jesus was on the cross and he said "Peter, Peter come here!". So Peter ran to Jesus but the guards punched him, kicked him and knocked him back into the crowd. Jesus once again said "Peter, Peter come here!". So Peter once again ran to Jesus but the guards punched him, kicked him and knocked him back into the crowd. Jesus once again said "Peter, Peter come here!". Peter then managed to bust through the guards bleeding and exhausted and asked "what is it?". Jesus then said "I can see your house from here".

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

The guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fools! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!'

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

[SPOILER]A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."[/SPOILER]

There was a married couple at a bar, and a drunk man was sitting next to them. The drunk man suddenly farted very loudly. "Excuse me!" the husband shouted, extremely offended. "You just farted before my wife!" To which the drunk man replied in a slur, "Well, she shoulda told me that she wanted to go first!"

One day, a man walked into the White House and told the receptionist that he wanted to be the next President of the United States. "What are you, an idiot?" the receptionist replied. "Oh, is it a requirement?" the man replied.

A man had just blown an important business deal at work, and understandably disgruntled, he called home so that he could tell his wife to prepare a nice hot dinner for him when he got home. However, it wasn't his wife who answered, but another woman entirely. "Who is this?" the man asked. "The maid," the woman said. "But we don't have a maid," he replied, confused. "Tge lady of the house hired me this morning," she explained. "Well, this is her husband, where's my wife right now?" said the man. "She's upstairs in bed with a man I assumed was her husband," she replied. Fuming by now, the husband whispered, "Look, should I tell you a way to get five thousand bucks from me?" "What do you want me to do?" the maid asked. "Go get the shotgun from the cupboard under the stairs and shoot the witch and the man she's sleeping with," he said. He heard the maid walking away, returning, walking up the stairs, and the sound of two loud bangs, followed by the sound of footsteps again. "It was a rifle you had there, not a shotgun, but I did the job," said the maid. "Now what?" "Throw them in the swimming pool," the man said. "But you don't have a swimming pool," the maid answered, confused. There was a long pause, and then, the man said: "Is this 555-4791?"