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Love special: Same sex, different rules

IT IS a common observation that we are attracted to people who resemble us. We are more likely to like them, bond with them and have stable relationships with them – a phenomenon that social scientists call “homophily”. This seems to make sense&colon; partners of the same age, race, religion or educational level, or who have similar personalities and attitudes, will reinforce each other’s self-esteem, find mutually enjoyable pursuits and receive support from their extended families and social networks.

Difference, on the other hand, has always seemed like a recipe for trouble. In his Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle argued that relationships between dissimilar partners were utilitarian “deals” – my beauty for your wealth, for example – and were therefore likely to fall apart as the qualities that were traded changed over time.

Yet Aristotle, along with the scientists who have studied and promoted the phenomenon of homophily, have turned a blind eye to its most common and flagrant violation&colon; heterosexuality. When men and women are attracted to each other, fall in love and enter into lasting relationships, they are choosing partners who differ from themselves. At the very least they differ biologically, in physical appearance and body function – but that is just the beginning. For men and women also differ from each other, statistically at least, in cognitive traits such as visuospatial skills, navigational strategies, verbal fluency, memory skills and mathematical reasoning, and in aspects of personality such as aggressiveness, competitiveness, self-esteem, risk-taking, neuroticism, emotional sensitivity, agreeableness, interest in casual sex and pornography, and jealousy.

Furthermore, the tendency of pre-adolescents to join sex-segregated social networks encourages the development of marked cultural differences between males …