Come, Lean In, We Want To Whisper You A Secret, It Is $$$!!1!

Gentle flowers of love, our darlings, the ones who make us whole, who let us hire writers at a living wage, who keep us going through the Trumpenstorm, who complete us: Move on down to the comments for open thread, your work today is done! The rest of you, the ones who have been meaning to get your credit card or your paypal password for lo these SEVEN or FOURTEEN YEARS NOW, YOU:

Hi! I'm Rebecca. Have we met yet? We HAVE? Because you've been coming twice a week or four times a day for us to guide you through our fascist horror, together? Sweet! Barring you really ain't got none, we would like your money.

But you always need money, you are hissing through your beardo crumbs. Well, yes! That is how food and rent/mortgages and paychecks and servers work. As the lucky-ducky federal workers have discovered, you have to pay for them on an ongoing basis. And you know who likes food and mortgages and paychecks and servers? It is your Wonkette!

Last month we yelled and yodeled at you about WE ARE DYING! (WE are a Jewish mother, and YOU never call and never write!) And as usual when we ask, you came through for us -- and this time, historically so! FIVE THOUSAND OF YOU contributed in the month of December, or "one percent of our readers that month." Amazing! Can we dream CRAZY and make it two???? Perhaps you are one of MANY people who tried to do a recurring donation, and our shit was broken. Guess who's in luck, it's YOU cause we FIXED IT!

Anyway, we took that quite large chunk of money, paid some bills ahead of time, gave the kids and freelancers small raises (NOT US, we're frugal and modest and saving up for future payrolls like grandmas washing plastic wrap), and when the dust was settled we had almost a month of regular Wonkette operating expenses in the can for EMERGIES. You know what this month is not? AN EMERGY. It's just the same old boring month we always have, where YOU SEND US MONEY because SOCIAL CONTRACT.

No ads. No venture capital funding. Just a pact between us, a website, and you, a boy or a girl we're standing in front of, asking you to love us. We watch Trump's stupid face and mediate it into a slightly less grotesque face, and you pay for us to do so! We tell smart stuff at you, about policy and whatnot, and you Learn a Thing and give us cashish. We make you laugh until you vomit, and you go get your credit card and input the numbers into the "stripe credit card" thingie or your login into the paypal, either way, payment widget below. It's symbiosis and shit!

Children of love, we have all been having a time. But Nancy's in the House, the hot-shit new congresswomen are making #goodtrouble, and the cavalry's riding in for 2020, whether that's Kamala, Elizabeth, Kirsten, or a player to be named later. (Hell, even Bernie. If he's the nominee, we'll jump on that bandwagon so hard we break our ankles. NO COMMENT-FIGHTING.)

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)