Tuesday, 14 May 2013

How To Survive The Apprentice - A Guest Post

I always say that I get the BEST comments on my blog and Leah has had me curled up in a ball laughing with her brilliantly insightful and funny comments for a while now, so I tracked her down on Twitter and offered her my blog for a guest post.

And thankfully she took me up on the offer, (although now my tummy hurts from laughing again)

So sit back and enjoy Leah's views on The Apprentice, and don't forget to leave her a comment at the end.

Over to you Leah, and thank you again for doing this.

Big Fashionista x x

2013 brings us the 9th series of the Apprentice, or as I like to call it ‘The race to get your tongue up Sir Alan Sugar’s jacksie furthest.’ This means we’ve seen well over 100 bell ends disgrace themselveson our dusty tv’sin an attempt to curry favour with Sir Alan - or as I like to call him - that miserable rich twat.

This year the format is much the same as before – The Shug still looks like an elderly bulldog licking piss off a thistle, Nick Hewer still looks gravely constipated and Karren Brady’s eyebrows still show her disdain for well…everything.

There are 16 jumped-up fucktards for the Shugmeister to pick from this year – 8 male, 8 female…although saying that there’s one fella whose eyebrows would make a supermodel weep with envy. The format changed a couple of years ago so that instead of being offered a £100,000 job working at one of The Shug’s companies, they win a £250,000 partnership with him. This may well be a blessing since Stella Whatsherfacefrom Series 6 recently sued the lord and father of all Shug-kind in an employment tribunal, saying she was an ‘overpaid lackey.’ (Side note: where are jobs like these when I’m looking for them? Fer fucks sake!)

The girls’ team is called Evolve, which sounds a bit like vulva, just sayin’.

The fella’s team is called Endeavour, which has ‘end’ in it, which I would like to preface with ‘bell-’, fitting as it is.

Anywhore, onto surviving this reality (hahaHA) tvbollocks. I suggest a game. You will need your spirit of choice (trust me, anything below 35% really won’t be strong enough), a sick bucket, your fist and an inanimate object (preferably.) Just so we’re clear, the objective of the game is unconsciousness or grave enough an injury to render your senses temporarily AWOL. Trust me, it’s for the best.

Every time someone says I’m an entrepreneurtake a shot.Every time someone saysI give 110% punch something.Every time someone saysBlue sky thinkingtake a doubleshot.Every time someone saysGo big or go home punch yourself in the face.Every time someone saysI will fight to the death take a shit…oops, I mean a shot. You can take a shit if you like, though. You’re amongst friends. Just make sure to wipe.Every time someone saysAlpha male punch something with testicles. They likely deserve it.Every time someone saysI’m like Steven Gerrard (no really!) take a double shot.Every time someone saysI get what I want take a cushion and try to suffocate yourself.Every time someone saysI don’t take prisoners take a shot. Every time someone says Pets frighten me(no, she really did!) say a silent prayer they get accosted by a randy Dobermann with an 9 inch tongue.Every time someone says I’m the real deal take a shot, fuck it, take three. Consciousness is overrated.

Every time someone saysI will do what it takes write to the BBC and tell them to fuck right off.Every time someone days ‘I’M TALKING!’ take a shot, gargle it, spit it back out and use it as an eye bath.

Every time a woman cries, snort a shot.Every time someone says delegate, poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick, roll over three times and ask the nearest person to tickle your tummy.

If your bottle suddenly has a bottom in it (what the fuck is that about?!) and the end credits have not yet rolled, summon up your last bit of strength, remove the remote control from your bum crack (just me?) and listen to something slightly less irritating, like Norwegian death metal, an informercial for haemorrhoid cream, or the Go Compare advert on a constant loop.

It’s been emotional!

Do you watch The Apprentice? Do you find yourself shouting at the tv so much your neighbours call the police? Just me,then.

Due to increased spam comments I am now having to moderate the comments I receive. I will do my best to get them approved quickly so please, carry on commenting as every time you comment a kitten smiles.