Halloween Jagoffs

Tell someone to hold their tongue and say, “My dad sells SHIPS down at the SHIP yard.”

Gather yer pillow cases, its time for trick-or-treating!!! A list of Halloween Jags is below. But here are some Halloween traditions from my kid days that I am glad are gone!

Bobbing for Apples
Just what I wanna do… dunk my open mouth into a tub of warm water that’s been tainted with Halloween make-up, human spit and hair grease from the nine people at the party that weren’t creative enough to think up a better costume than the standard GREASER outfit with cuffed blue jeans and a white t-shirt with rolled up sleeves. Besides, who in the “SOAPWORD” wants an apple on Halloween? I want SNICKERS AND SMARTIES!

Plastic molded masks with elastic string:
The eye holes were NEVER big enough. I had to push the mask up against the bottom of my chin to line up the eye holes so I could navigate the neighborhood steps. And when I did that, all the mouth-spit and condensation, that built up on the inside of my mask, smeared all over my face. Then, it never failed, halfway through trick-or-treating, the stupid elastic string would BREAK right at that little staple on the side. Then my dad would try and tie the elastic string to itself IN THE DARK!

One-Size-Fits-All Pull-On Costumes:
The same costumes that came with those stupid plastic masks. You pulled them on over your legs, up over your body and tied a string behind your neck. The legs of these things were WAY too long so my mother rolled them up (cuz that’s what Batman REALLY looks like, right?) Every time my heels caught on the leg cuff walking up steps, I’d CHOKE myself!

And finally, to those 18-year olds who are still trick-or-treating, to those 15-16 year olds that only put on one of those tuxedo t-shirts or your high school football team uniform as a costume.. some go ALL out and put on the black-ey stuff, to those moms who carry a 10-month old baby around in a costume (who looks really cute) but collect a queen-sized pillowcase full of candy “for the little guy,” to those parents who let your daughters and sons dress up like hookers and pimps and to those people who pile in cars and drive around to 4 different neighborhoods got get more candy… you’re spoiling the fun…stay home and leave the trick-or-treating to the little kids, Ya Jagoffs!!!

**By the way, whomever is watching you read this is wondering what you’re doin’ holding your tongue, mumbling the words “My dad thells THITS down at the THIT yard” and giggling.