The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..

Dude Dating with J-Train: Fake Boobs and Set Ups

Q. What’s the deal with fake boobs? Guys always seem to say they want a girl with a nice set and can’t look away when a chick walks by with her obviously purchased pair (barely) bouncing around. So are they worth the investment or can a girl with a slightly smaller rack get a decent man too? – Ally McBeal, NY, NY

I like boobs. I like how they move, how they stay up, how they fall down, the size of the nipple, how babies can eat from them, how older men try to eat from them, how girls are turned on when you touch them, and how some girls aren’t turned on by that at all. Boobs are almost as mysterious and interesting to us as the vagina, but for whatever reason if we stare at someone’s crotch, we’re labeled ‘creepy,’ and who made you the mayor of decency? Huh? But we can stare at boobs anytime – no matter how big, small, fake, or real, and we stare and we stare.

Yet fake boobs seem to get the most attention. Big boobs in general have an undeniable hold on us; we want to touch them, flick them, spread maple syrup on them, invite them to prom – but when those boobs tend to have an unnatural ability to stay aloft, then things get really interesting. You see, we already have an fascination with breasts for sexual reasons; now add in the recognition that the shape of the breast seems to be impossible and then we just will look at them until it’s burned in our retinas. Let me put it this way – imagine you saw two wizards fighting on the street, throwing magic fireballs at each other; You’d be pretty interested, right? Not exactly something you see every day, so the sheer unreality of it would draw you in. Now imagine you also wanted to bang those wizards. That’s what fake boobs are like to guys – a really sexy magic wizard fight.

What I’m saying here is that even a wizard fight seems commonplace if you end up seeing it everyday – so if you buy fake boobs, understand that while you may get quite a few more stares from strangers, the guy you end up with will, over time, just see them and think ‘those are your boobs’ instead of ‘THOSE ARE YOUR BOOBS!’ So try loving the boobs you have, own your boobs, caress your boobs, rub maple syrup on your boobs (then send photos of that to me) because I’m sure their great…unless, they’re like, really small. Then you’re probably going to need that boob job.

Q. I got class with this major babe. We have shot each other a couple of glances but really nothing more. I was hoping to see her out at the bars around campus but I literally never see her anywhere. Do you have any ideas on how to start the conversation without sounding like I’ve been stalking her all semester? – John “Bluto” Blutarsky, Faber College

It’s the end of the semester so you have to make a move quickly. She’s probably been going to some nerdy Grad-student bar where they drink micro-brews and have sex through the Penis hole in their boxers. The goal is to get her to your Tequila soaked turf.

First: Be good looking – It’s always funny to me when a girl says: “some creepy guy just asked me out” and then I look at the “creep” and he looks like he swung in on a vine from his Gargoyle perch. ‘Creep’ in this scenario doesn’t actually mean that he’s ‘creepy,’ just ‘ugly.’ So take some time and have an honest conversation with the mirror. It’s why homeless people don’t go on many dates. They don’t have mirrors.

Second: Say- “Hi, I’m Bluto, we see each other every day in this class but I don’t think that we’ve actually ever met” – No cheesy lines in class. She’ll feel more uncomfortable than she does when she wears a low cut shirt and the teacher keeps calling on her.

Third: Follow up the small talk introduction with “you know, I cant believe I’ve never seen you out on the weekends”- Just stating a fact. A flattering fact being that you two have never really met and you’ve still noticed.

Fourth: Her move- She can say: “I don’t go out to bars on weekends” Then you know seeing her vagina before the semester ends is less likely then hearing an engineering major tell a good joke. Bail. Or she can say: “I’m out there, I guess we keep missing each other” Now the kitty-cat’s purring and she wants to play with that ball of yarn. Be the yarn.

Fifth: Say: “Lets exchange numbers. I’m going to be at (Specific Bar A) on Friday night. I’ll be with a big group of my friends. You and your friends should come hang out” – See what you did here. You got the number. You gave her a specific place. You said there would be a group. You invited her with a group. Now you’ve taken the creep out of the pick up because you’re just a guy with a big group of friends inviting a girl and her friends to come get nasty.

Sixth: Drink and Bone. She’s at your bar with your friends. The rest is up to you. Be the yarn.

Q. I had a really great blind date. He told the person that set us up that he had “an amazing time” and thanked her for introducing us. We went out again and had a good dinner. I felt we were having a good time, and it seemed he was too. I never heard from him again though. Did I do something? Why the positive feedback and then radio silence? – Regina Phallangy, Boston, MA

The radio silence is very normal. It’s what guys call – “The Phase-Out”. This is when we literally disappear from your world because we think it’s too soon for a break-up talk. Don’t worry he’s alive. Just check his Facebook wall, he’s clicked “attending” to an event called “Bert’s Big Birthday Boner”.

You and this guy weren’t meant to be and there isn’t anything wrong with that. The only thing you did wrong is that you listened to “The Match-Maker”. This person is friends with both of you and doesn’t want to hurt either side’s feelings. The Matchmaker got a report on the first date that was brutally honest and she had to lie so that she didn’t ruin your friendship. “Amazing time” could have been – “Yea, I’d bone her”. Then he went on the second date, didn’t lay wood, and moved on to Bert’s birthday where I’m sure any girl going to an event with such a name was fairly loose and had some awesome fake boobs.