Marathon Mum. Marathon Man. Get the joke? Both feature obsessiveness, shady characters from Europe, lots of running, and most notably, torture. This online journal began as I trained for the 2005 London Marathon. I successfully finished the race, but MarathonMum lives on. After all, life as a mother isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Help Wanted

With stock markets around the world imploding, it made me ever-so-slightly nostalgic for my old job, where a 4 percent drop in the FTSE would be enough to give me either (a) an adrenaline jolt so big it would take me two days to get to sleep; (b) a nervous breakdown; (c) a combination of the two. However, I got this e-mail from a friend describing my current job, and it made me laugh, so here it is for you to enjoy too.

POSITION: Mother, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £ 5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the garden are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that university will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

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About Me

Life as a mother is a marathon. You need to have patience, endurance, tenacity and a sense of humor. When you decide to run a marathon as a mother, particularly when your 1-year-old son is along for the ride, you need all of the above in spades. This blog began as a way to update my family on the progress of my marathon training, but now the blog has evolved to talk about a million other things, too. I am now working on my first novel, so if you are an agent looking for new clients, be sure to get in touch.