Barebacking is a topic we’ve covered quite a bit here at 2CWDU. And yet I have been surprised at how little feedback it has generated.

Yes – we have the pro safers reaffirming the need for prevention. And those who affirm the need for med compliance and honesty for those who are positive (the axiom that Poz men **have** to be honest about their status is a little bewildering if we are talking about safe sex btw – although I appreciate the point of view). But we’ve seldom had anyone who has flat out said “I’ve done it – loved it when it happened – scared the crap out of me afterwards”.

Well – that’s me.

I’m not perfect and according to the data, most gay men aren’t. MOST of us will slip up occasionally and NOT use a condom. Even if it’s just for that “little play” at the beginning before donning the dom and going hard safely. And, looking at the profiles on Grindr, Scruff, Blendr, Growlr, and especially Recon – the phrase “don’t usually bb but will discuss” means that more than a few of you are almost actively looking for an opportunity to slip up.

Barebacking DOES scare me and here is why…………· STI’s & HIV· Possible Death· End of story.

Barebacking DOES NOT scare me and here’s why……….· When you’re in the moment – it feels SO damn good· End of story.

And that is the thing we don’t talk about enough – it DOES feel good. Why? Increased sensation for the top – no pausing the passion to glove up – it’s easier for the bottom to take it etc etc.None of this is breaking news. And aside from the “Avowed BBer”, most of us would rather dig out our left nut with a rusty spoon than admit that we do it.

Well I **love** it. Seriously love it. Plus – it’s the only way I can take a dick. I’ve tried every brand of dom out there, tried different lubes and all I get is this burning sensation like I’ve poured gasoline on my taint and lit the damn thing up… WHOOOSH !!!! – BTW, if you any of you fellas have a safe-sex solution for me – I am all ears.

BUT –and here is a serious but – I know I can’t do it. Why? As much as I know HIV treatments are very good these days and that one can expect a normal life span with 99% certainty as long as one is med compliant and have a healthy lifestyle – I already have two chronic medical conditions already – why add a possibly fatal third to the mix? Also – given the attitude that still pervades much of the gay community towards Poz men – again, I have enough problems being fat, forty and depressed without adding another reason for gay men to knock me back.

So as I ramble, I guess what I am saying is I have the same issue most gay men do – how to NOT do something that feels good. Our brains are wired for sensory input both good and bad. Barebacking creates a sensory input that is pleasurable and which heightens the act of sex and the feeling of intimacy. THIS can create an almost Pavlovian response in our brain. We begin to actively seek that sensation – regardless of the danger. Just like those silly Base Jumpers. Thankfully our common sense wins out.

Most of the time.

Those times that mine hasn’t then meant six months of testing to cover the entire window period, and the daily concern of whether sero-conversion has occurred. It’s a terrifying and uncomfortable time that I have spent both kicking myself and attempting to “plan forward” should the worst have occurred.

I’ve been fortunate to have been in a couple of relationships that lasted long enough to be able to throw the rubber out and wham bam thank you Ma’am for the experience. What it did for me was also create a “normality” of not using a condom. Again, a learned behaviour that then become the normative behaviour.

I don’t know if the above makes sense of whether it’s simply been a stream of consciousness or whether it has any value to a reader. But it’s my 2 Cents Worth and that’s how I spent it.