Somewhere between being half asleep and awake…I laid listening when something so impacting caught my attention. I was forced to turn over and pick up my son’s laptop to see who was talking.

Taking up my broken glasses and trying as best as I could to fix them upon my nose…I glared into the monitor screen of the laptop.

I have heard many conversations on being gay…involved in the homosexual lifestyle…but none as touching or as honest as Tonex’s discussion with Lexi.

Now, for those of you who do not know who Tonex is…well he is a young gospel recording artist…now turned pastor and gospel artist. And Lexi is a gospel recording artist with a talk show on the WordNetwork…a black religious television channel…which I catch by viewing it over the internet.

This season Lexi has set about making her show more sustance filled…hitting hot topics and talking to people in the black religious world talking about hot and usually taboo issues within the black church.

So, I was awaken and drawn into the discussion wondering who I was listening to talk about having been abused as a very young child at the age of 3 then again at 6. But who was careful to clarify that the choices he had made in his life were his choices… and that he did not want to put them off upon the circumstances of sexual abuse as a child. And that is what made me really start listening to the program.

Oftentimes, people go about playing out their lives and doing things which they want to blame because of past things in their lives. It is easy to say-

“I did it because of what I had experienced as a child.”

Imagine what kind of world we would be living in if we all set about doing things because of something in our past.

We have all experienced things. Things that we may or may not have shared with anyone else or even our parents. My 2 experiences as a very young child, I never spoke a word of it to my parents…or anyone else for that matter. For what reason I do not know.

I believe as children we feel that certain acts against us are wrong…or that something was not right about it. Our little minds as a child had no way of quite understanding the acts. For the most parts we were not even participants…though the act was perpetrated against us. We felt it…went throught it…but could not wrap our little minds around it (what had happened).

Some became marked by it early…and started acting out sexually. But others went on…all the while trying to deal with that hidden secret. And carried it through their lives…and it marked every experience…every relationship…and every thought that they have had.

What struck me as interesting was how honestly Tonex was able to articulate some very true and highly mis-understood things. Many outside of the life have no understanding at all of anything gay…except some mis-concepts that they have developed on the subject.

They fail to understand that not just straight people can develop deep and loving relationships with one another. And that these relationships can run as deep as any of those of any person.

But these relationships though the people involved may feel is right…but yes…it is out of alignment with the word of God. The feelings…attractions…etc…are not really real. It is a spirit. And this spirit is just as strong as any spirit that can attach itself to anyone.

And unless God brings you…or them out…they continue to linger in the feeling that what they are doing is alright. What many do not understand is…is this…that it is through God’s grace and mercy that we are all save. People say that they believe this… and that they know this. But they don’t… not really.

It is through His love that we who have come out…have emerged from the lives that we once lived (be it drug abuse, adultery, fornication, lying, stealing, lesbanism, homosexuality etc…). Because without Him none of us would have come out of anything.

I admire people who are honest. That whole on theDL thing…on down-low thang…distrubs me. Because it is littered with lies…and deception. It thrives based upon falsehoods…and may times denial.

I like honest people. People who know they are battling with something and are looking toward God for deliverance.

I can see the work that God is going to do in the life of Tonex…because he is what God loves. Tonex is someone who is not afraid to be honest…yet loves the Lord…and wants Him to do a work in him. And not ashamed to say-

“I am waiting on Him to do it while I battle living in this thing.”

What a great program that Lexi had with Tonex. Both she and Tonex through that show did a glorious work. I am sure that someone fighting to find themself emotionally and sexually…and perhaps has turned against the church for having turned against them…found strenght in that show. And confirmation of the fact that God is important even in their life…as they continue to battle with the demons that dwell within them.

But God shall truly give them the victory…if they continue to trust and believe. And not grow weary.

Love you, Tonex. Your honesty will fall upon the hearts of many. And I look forward to continue to see the great works that God is going to truly do through your life and through your honesty. Many may not understand it…but it is not for the many. But for those whom God intends to hear it…it shall reach them. And it will do a work in their hearts.

Married for 4 years, Tonex fought with the demons. But found that the draw was too great…and eventually came out of his marriage.

He battled over his singing career though having won many awards…while trying to deal with the demons drawing him. And for a while turned away from performing and recording.

The demons…the demons. We fight them everyday. We all do no matter what they may be…but we fight them. There are times when we have all submitted ourselves to them. And if it had not been for the Lord…we would still all be in them.

It is a subject rarely proached by the black church except as thing of a joke. But there is nothing funny about it. And the problem is in the black church as much as it is everywhere else. ..for the devil has many captives everywhere and in all kinds of snares.

Though I admire Tonex’s honesty regarding his sexual issues. A Pastor, however, is suppose to be without spot or blemish. Though I know that there are many Pastors who fall far short from being spotless. The office, however, calls for those who are truly lead by the Lord…that they should not themselves be confused…or be living in confusion. But God, I am sure…will press this upon his mind and heart.

Recently, I had to stop going to our usual church because of the Pastor. He began to start to get too friendly…and believe me it was not my imagination…far from it. Though I had heard stories about him…I had felt that all the problems in his home had turned him around. It seemed that God had stricken nearly everybody in his family…wife…children…etc…with something. And still he hadn’t gotten the message.

Since I couldn’t get out to do anything that I really wanted to do today…I stayed home. Sat out on the porch reading my Bible and then decided to take a nap as I didn’t go to sleep last night until some time after 5 AM this morning as I busy writing another blog…the one before this one. So, I am a bit tired.