Like this:

I keep staring at the world ‘Normalcy’ and think that my brain may be starting to make up words but nope; it’s a real word. Thank god. Anywho…

Admit it. You have done this at some point of your life. Some of you may even have had accomplices who dragged you around in it as if it were a vehicle. I’m not just talking as a kid either…I’m talking.. more like, last week or when you and your friends couldn’t get high and were so bored you reverted to silliness that made people still question whether you were on drugs or not. Those moments are always the best, aren’t they? ^.^

I just recently came back from a Walmart adventure for the sole purpose of getting storage bins where I could fit inside of them. Well, that wasn’t the only reason. I had to organize the EVIL corner of my living room that was scattered with my wood burning crafts. Who would have thought there would still be an actual table beneath all that shit. O.O

Am I the only one though who gets excited at the idea of purchasing an overly large bin that is big enough to house a human body in acid? Breaking Bad anyone? If you don’t know the reference at the very least, if not the show, then crawl out from under that rock and smash it with a hammer so you don’t disappear back under it EVER AGAIN. I need to finish watching that show now…Laterz.

This is why you don’t use a bathtub and a plastic bin instead. Basic chemistry…

Something like this needs to be shared with as many people as possible. To all those out there who have suffered with depression at one time or another in their lives who have heard this same thing said to you but it fell on deaf ears, it was just not sinking in, or you were in denial because you were so much pain that it numbed you from the inside out; maybe this will reach you. It helps sometimes to hear it from someone who has hit rock bottom and come back, not just surviving but excelling in their own expectations. From all the messages I have seen, this one got to me the most; this one pulled on my heart strings.

To those of you who don’t understand depression and cast cruel judgement onto your fellow man; maybe this will open your eyes. That homeless person, humbled and begging for food on the corner is not worthless and they are not a loser; they are lost. Any one of us, in this world today, could end up there if caught without someone to back you or simply down on their luck. Who knows, if they are given a chance, you may one day become their biggest fan. They may be the next Corey Taylor or at the very least your new best friend. Don’t dismiss what you refuse to understand.

His poetry amuses me and speaks about the darkness within humanity; that battle within.

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body, my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

I found this youtube feed from a link to Alan Watts. Those of you not familiar with him, essentially he gives philosophical and emotional speeches to inspire, motivate, and get the mind working. The page I go to is ‘theJourneyofPurpose.‘ For myself, I love anything that makes me contemplate life from it’s minor simplistic view of reality and illusion to the most intricate moments of our lives. To me, it is awe inspiring and beautiful. It reminds me of that moment when I first saw the night sky not polluted by all the city lights, way up in the woods on a snowy, winter’s night. I wanted to count every star because I felt I had witnessed it all while at the same time feeling so small in the scheme of things. The universe can be thought of as infinite and thus limitless just as Mr. Carrey is stating here in comparison with the human soul. Who knew his artistic passions surpassed those ‘smoke and mirrors’ into a real human being. Breathtaking to know real people exist in a world that is so often seen as dark and broken. Life really does come down to the little things we encounter on a day to day basis because if everyone took a moment to smile at a stranger or give to someone in need; true acts of selflessness, then the whole and unity of our planet would be all for the better. There are no limits except those we implement as a prison within ourselves.

Within each of us, there is a silence, a silence as vast as the universe. And when we experience that silence, we remember who we are. ~Gunilla Norris~

Some of the most meaningful acts between two people can be interpreted through their silence. How many people out there, take the time to look beyond the mask many of us put on for the world? That mask that was slowly molded into existence as a child by our peers and family, even if unintentionally; sometimes it will never come off and sometimes it will shatter. We all judge one another just as much as we judge ourselves, even if we don’t like to admit it, because of how others may have perceived us and thus perceive the world. What is considered beautiful or ugly? Right or wrong? In the end, it all comes down to the notion if we can live another day to look at ourselves in the mirror. Are you happy with what you see or do you cringe and shy away from that reflective glass, dreading your reality? Music does the same thing for me as silence because it gives me moments to myself to reflect without the noise of society breathing down my neck and I firmly believe it is important for everyone to be able to be comfortable with solitude. Moments of peace and chaos. Those who can not stand it, seem to, at most times, be the ones who are not comfortable with themselves. Which leads us to the next quote..

There is no reality except the one contained within us.. ~Hermann Hesse~

Love Or Fear? Timeless question to which many debate between the matter that we have a choice or that we don’t. I think it goes both ways. Upon my back I have a rose aflame, tattooed with those words, “Love or Fear.” It is a huge part of me and I feel a huge part of humanity. What drives us if not stemming from those two major factors? Do we choose to proceed with the cards we have been dealt; to play or to fold? To grow or to burn? Is it all in our minds what we love or fear or are some things simply out of our control when it comes to emotions? It is no easy feat to take hold of our spirit and rein it in so that our minds can be at peace with our hearts. Perhaps therein lies the problem and maybe we should just let our souls run free.

What is holding me back in pursuing my dreams? Money, time? What is holding you back? If we are honest with ourselves, it is us drowning ourselves in that sea of doubt and giving birth to excuses. We are all guilty of this, myself included. It is no easy feat, but perhaps it isn’t the end result that is most important, but the journey itself. Prioritize, reflect, focus and yet let your mind go and be open to the beautiful possibilities this world is capable of. Have faith in yourselves, embrace your fears (which may never disappear), and choose love.

The brighter the light, the darker the shadow we cast. That darkness can not be avoided, only embraced as it will never stop stalking us day in and day out. When the light is extinguished, some fear that abyss consuming them in their blindness, but only if they choose to keep their eyes closed to what lays before them. Some believe that their obscured twin may even leave them in that crepuscule, but one can not incinerate what will always remain a part of us. Embracing those demons doesn’t just help us understand our own, but in doing so, enlightens us to the world’s best kept secrets. In turn, we then see ourselves in our worst enemy while barely recognizing our best friend. Perhaps then, the enemy transforms to our closest ally. We can then envelop compassion, forgiveness and project empathy to those who lack it.

My Shadow: I can feel his eyes upon my soul, reaching out to graze my skin, his icy breath upon my neck. I question his closeness but fear his distance. All those casted within my shadow will envy me from afar and die within his arms.

~~Written contemplation as Essence Talon, Shadows Of The Forgotten~~

This was just something that flooded my mind after reading OM’s blog post. Thanks for the writing prompt, so to speak. ^.^

Original writings with Trickster (who wrote Mageria) taken from Shadows Of The Forgotten. Here we have my character stuck on babysitting duty and things take a turn a little bit down the line there. For those of you who may not have read other things I’ve posted, Ess can not have kids. (I’ve previously mentioned Darren as her son…that’s a spoiler, but he was born before the brutality.) That was taken from her at a young age from a brutal beating/rape from her time as a slave at a brothel before she escaped. Some scars just run too deep. We write in Text based Role Playing style, so again, be kind when reading as it is in a different style.

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{Raven’s Nest}

There had been something of a one day cold that was working it’s way through the camp. Nothing harmful, but the best way to deal with it was for the effected person to stay by their fire and sleep for the day. And, it seemed to have caught Mageria. She had managed to get up and dress, coughing the entire time. Jess was glaring at her, but with six children in a building that was comfortable for two adults; she wasn’t going to get any rest anyways. There was a knock at the door, looking at the time told Mageria that she was far late for Ess’s training. She groaned under her breath and started towards the door, only to find Jess there in front of her. The pregnant woman pulled the door open and ordered the children outside before glaring at whoever was on the other side. “Today, endurance training. You get to take care of the kids.” She closed the door firmly and grabbed Mageria’s shoulder, somehow managing to steer her even though the Captain was taller by 4 inches and had years of fight training. “You . . . are going back to bed.”

Ess stumbled backwards from the sudden entourage of children running past and around her (followed by Puppy), quirking a brow she nodded with a chuckle at the idea of the kids as her ‘endurance’ training for the day; like she hadn’t done enough running already this morning. It was not a bad day to spend outside, although it was cold, it was well above freezing. Tala came pouncing over happily, diving into a pile of fluffy, light snow besides the wolfhound; the effect covering both animals in white. The boys and girls laughed happily in a game of tag, taking turns in tickle torture when they caught another and at first seemed to be self entertaining.

“Look, it’s the pretty doggie!” Lily yelped happily as she ran up to Tala, the wolf wagging her tail in response, distracted as Puppy playfully tackled her causing Lily to giggle. Lily turned towards Ess and gently tugged on her sleeve, “Can I pet her, Miss. Ess?”

With a slight smirk, Ess nodded, kneeling down to lock eyes with the little girl, “Only if you promise to be real gentle with her, okay?” Lily clapped in her excitement, running over towards the wolf and instantly wrapped her small arms around Tala’s neck, causing the wolf to cough in a slight choke, tail thumping harder in the snow. “Aww, think Tala likes you Lily.”

A sudden defiant scream, alerted Ess to the boys arguing who’s snow ball hit who first, the sight causing her to roll her eyes. With a sigh she stood walking over to the four as they began shoving one another back and forth. “Hey!…Really you all can’t play nice for five minutes?” Ess’ words fell on deaf ears as they ignored her. Tucking her upper lip behind her top teeth Ess let out an ear piercing whistle, Tala bolting forward to her side. For a second she got the boys’ attention before they went back into it. Crossing her arms a bit frustrated, Ess turned to Tala, “Tala….stand at attention!” She commanded, the wolf sitting back on her haunches expectantly with a bark. “Sound the alarm!” Tala tilted back her head and began to howl extremely loud and long, the sad song echoing into the day, causing many who were hustling around the camp in their chores to stop and question it with a curious stare. All the children stopped dead in their tracks to stare at Tala wide eyed. When the wolf ended her song, Ess stared at each child expectantly. “Now that I have your attention…who wants to help with Tala’s training?”

Ess smiled when all the children lined up like little soldiers, awaiting instructions. “First rule…any whining, you lose privledges….Any fighting…..you sit out for the activity for the rest of the day….Are we clear?” Ess spoke softly, yet her tone commanded obedience. All six children nodded firmly, the two girls giggling when Tala barked as if to confirm Ess words. “Right…and then you’ll have to deal with Tala…” Ess held back a smirk as the kids gasped, the wolf trotting circles around the line. “Ok then….while I work on a reward for your assistance….First task is to help Tala with her speed…Try to catch her!” With that the kids dashed forward, Tala leaping aside and around a few trees leading the children in pursuit, Puppy trailing Lily from behind.

Aiden had appeared behind Essence, and when she turned she almost collided into him. “Shit, man!…Funny I was just about to come looking for you…What can we do about making some sleds for the kids…?”

Aiden laughed, raising a brow at Ess’ question. “You plan on having them pull it, Talon?”

Ess shook her head, “Very funny….more like the Wolf and Dog..”

Aiden thought for a moment, crossing his arms across his massive chest, “I think I can work with some pieces we have lying around….When you need it by..”

Ess looked over her shoulder, enjoying the playful scene as Tala remained out of reach of the kids, but only just. It was as if she was letting the kids have a slight chance, enjoying the game herself. “…The sooner the better…”

~~

Lunch time came rather quickly, and already the children commanded Tala about with the cutest hint of authority. Ess taught them some basic commands, and in that Tala was spinning in circles trying to keep up with the demands of the little ones. “All right….who’s hungry?” Ess yelled out to the crowd, as she finished cooking a stew over the fire at her camp. Out of breath, the six happily sat upon the large log of lumber beside the fire, devouring the hot stew with some cider Ess was able to grab from Jess. The Captain was still confined to her bed with the much needed rest that was due to her, per Jess’ command.

One of the girls spoke up for the first time all day, “Miss Ess? Can I feed Tala?” The child appeared to be a few years off from Jason who was in the beginning of his adolescence, so Ess had no problem with her helping herself to the stew upon the fire. “Just..set it down and back up…don’t want to be in the way of a wolf and her food…and don’t forget Puppy now…”

Lily chimed in, “Ya, Puppy’s hungry too.”

Ess looked up at one of the younger boys, Clayton she thought was his name, as he approached her with a shy smile. “Miss Ess….do you know any stories?” All the children’s eyes were on her now, curious to her answer as they worked on their meal.

“Uh…” Ess’ mind went blank. “Let me think…a story…huh?” She smiled placing her bowl aside, arms outstretched towards the boy as he inched closer, climbing up on her lap. Ess wrapped her arms around the boy, a bit surprised by the small display of affection, but it warmed her heart all the same as she gave the child a small squeeze. Ess really didn’t remember any stories from her own childhood, she decided something somewhat true would be best. “Ok….I can tell you about the wolves then….”

Lily piped in, “There aren’t any wolves though…Tala’s the only one.”

Some of the other children began to debate, “..But if there’s no more wolves, then who’s Tala’s mommy?”

“Where’d they all go?”

“There has to be more, somewhere?”

“I hear the WolfPack helps protect them from mean hunters..”

Ess sighed, raising her finger to her lips, waiting patiently for the voices to calm in their sudden array of questions. “Wolves, are pack animals. They have very strong ties to family…they are loyal, loving, intelligent, aggressive, and great hunters. Just because you haven’t seen many doesn’t mean they aren’t everywhere, especially in the forests. They aren’t all like Tala here or like their cousin Puppy…and tend to shy away from people.”

Ess continued on in her explanation before she defined how not all are like Tala, and how she found her years ago. There was much that made Tala different from the average wolf and that was her training, human interaction from a tiny pup, and with the additional help of a Beast Speaker. Ess retold shortened, clean versions of the times Tala had saved her life and visa versa form poachers in these same forests.

“I heard that’s what Puppy was made for….war dogs for hunting wolves.”

Ess glanced along the many faces and then back towards the animals at her feet. “Just because one person created Puppy’s breed for that purpose, doesn’t mean Puppy has to live that way, right? Puppy, likes Tala, and seems to like people who are friendly. Puppy can choose what he likes and what he wants to do. We are all in control of this.”

Jason spoke quietly, “Just like Mageria says we don’t have to learn to fight if we don’t want to..”

Ess smiled as Lily scooted closer to her, nodding at Jason’s comment. “Very true, But one still needs to know how to defend one’s self.” Ess glanced up to see Aiden making his way over to her with an affirmed nod, Ess gently placing Clayton onto his feet. “Ok guys…ready for sled rides?”

The next couple hours flew by, as Ess simply watched the kids take turns on two sleds: One harnessed to Tala, the other to Puppy, giving tours of the camp at different paces. Aiden had explained to both animals to be gentle with the littler ones, making sure they didn’t fly off the sled even though the children pleaded to race one another. Ess shook her head, knowing better. No matter how hard they tried to command Tala or Puppy to go faster, the two only listened to Ess or Aiden.

Lily rubbed at her eyes, looking up at Ess expectantly, reaching up to be held. Ess was taken a bit back, just staring a moment before she knelt down and picked her up, letting the girl rest her head upon her shoulder. “All right kids, time to pack it up and give the animals a rest. Got to be back in time for dinner.” Ess slowly led the group back towards the Captain’s cabin, letting Aiden unstrap the wolf and dog from the sleds. The boys ran forward, barging through the door only to be reprimanded by Jess to take off their slushy boots and change into something warm and dry.

“Can we go sledding again tomorrow?” Lily whispered to Ess.

Ess stood in the doorway, looking at Jess as she set Lily down and smiled just a bit sad. “It will be up to Mageria…ok?”

“If Maga is feeling better..” Lily smiled, her eyes closing in a slit as she turned and bounced off for dinner. After Puppy made his way inside after the group, Ess closed the door behind her, making her way back to her tent.

‘Is this what it is like to have kids?’ She pondered to herself, her expression still a bit sad. Ess had enjoyed herself quite so, and she did feel more mentally tired than anything as the kids were good for the most part. Even when they fussed or argued, she wouldn’t mind doing it all again. Absently she rested her palm along her flat belly, thinking on what she would be missing out on, when Aiden approached her with Tala by his side.

“You looked like you all had fun today, eh Talon?” He beamed, pulling his hood tight over his face to hide from the coming night chill.

Ess shrugged, attempting to hide her smile. “Tala got lots of exercise….Thanks for helping out.. with Tala and the sleds and all.”

Aiden gave Ess a playful tap on the shoulder, “Don’t mention it. Happy to help.” He gave Tala a gentle pat along her side as he added, “..Ever think about giving up this life and having kids of your own, Talon?”

Ess’ shoulders slumped at those words, her expression shutting off completely as her fingers clenched around her shirt across her stomach. A flair of anger cross her purple iris’ but she kept quiet, knowing Aiden was ignorant to her situation and was just making small talk. At least that was what she was trying to tell herself, to calm down. Ess attempted to play it off with a not very convincing laugh as she answered, “..If I want any…ever…I’ll adopt..So many without families ya know..”

Aiden nodded, “Right…but if you found a guy you liked…would you try for some of your own?”

Ess began to shake in her anger, not looking at Aiden as she started to storm off but was stopped by his hand clasping firmly around her arm. “…Ess…what’s wrong?”

Essence halted, turning abruptly, her fingers curled in a tight fist which painfully collided into Aiden’s right eye as she snarled in her fury, “Ess??!…Did I bloody tell you…you could touch me!?” Stepping back she held in a few tears, cradling her hurt hand, the knuckles already began to bruise. “Stupid men…” Tala began barking, glaring hard between Ess and Aiden while Ess shook her head to Aiden’s objections.

“..E…Talon…What did I say?!” Aiden cried out, holding his eye, blinking as it swelled and he tried to look at Ess.

“Just…leave me be..” Ess felt a bit ashamed in her fury but would not allow herself to let him see, she couldn’t stand for him to see… Ess bolted at full speed back to her tent, Tala on her heels as tears fell from her cheeks, she dove inside, hiding beneath a pile of blankets. There she remained for the rest of the evening, never leaving to eat or anything. Time seemed to stand still, Ess sobbing heavily for the first time in so long, she couldn’t even remember. She felt so alone in that moment, not even hugging Tala for comfort, as she cried herself to sleep.~~~

Next Morning..

Mageria waited patiently for Ess to finish her run, sipping a cup of hot cider. She had heard about Ess entertaining the children yesterday; apparently it had been highly inventive. Rather more quickly than she had expected, the other woman came around the bend. She was shaping up nicely. Raising one eyebrow, Mageria beckoned her closer. With a closed expression she obeyed, standing just a bit defiantly before her. Mageria shifted so that she wasn’t facing Ess directly, staring instead out over the river.

“You know, we’ve all got things in our past that we’d not like brought up. Around here, we respect that, because we’ve all got our own personal hells. For example, I’d tell you to never ask Aiden about the scars on his wrists. But,” she shifted so that she could take Ess’s wrist, examining the bruises there. “First things first, I need to teach you how to hit properly. Your knuckles look worse than his eye.” She gestured at a bag of sand hung about chest high from a nearby tree. “You can start with that.”

Getting up, she walked Ess through the proper way of punching without breaking her own bones; then stepped back. “Come find me when your knuckles are bloody. After that we’ll go over the proper places to punch to cause some real damage.”

Ess nodded slowly, her expression almost empty as she stared and mimicked Mageria’s form, not quite punching the bag of sand just yet. When she was satisfied, she took a chunk of her rage and sadness and tested a few punches. Her wrist and knuckles ached a bit, but she saw the difference. Mageria had left her alone, and that was when she began hitting harder. Bending at the knees she lightly danced around the sand bag in a one, two motion with her fists. Trying to keep her mind clear was not an option that day, and it was just one thought after another memory,after another thought, which only seemed to cause her to hit harder.

{Flashback…22 years ago in BlackPond}

Essence backed herself into a dark corner, her hands bound before her which she tried to use to block the man from coming any closer. Her voice was weak from her constant wailing, her cheeks streaked through the filth from her flow of tears. Ess wasn’t alone in the room, however. Several other young girls were huddled together in the far corner, trying to remain silent in their fear of angering their attacker.

“…Now…be a good litta’ birdie and put the dress on for the mistress to see….” Jasper breathed heavily over Ess, the hot stench of him practically suffocating her, causing her to gag a bit.

Ess whined softly, shaking her head slowly, hiding her head behind her hands in preemptive defense, knowing what was coming as she was struck hard across the face.

“…You’ll do it….or I’ll do it for you!” Jasper’s voice bit into her as he began tearing at her nightgown.

“No….stop!” One of the other girls screamed. “Just do what he says….it’s easier this way…”

Ess was trembling, trying to fight off the man to no avail, so tiny and weak in comparison. Ess managed to kick the man between his legs, causing him to pause momentarily in pain only to grip her by the throat, raising her high against the wall. Her pale cheeks began to turn red, slowly to a blue as she kicked, panicking to breath as he choked her with one hand, the other tearing the sleeves off her gown. “Stupid….litta’ whore…” Another moment passed, Ess’ eyes rolling up in her head as she lost consciousness.

Essence awoke some time later, her throat aching in pain, finding herself dressed in a blue, cotton gown. She was on the floor of a room, empty of all but a fire place which was burning the last of it’s embers, several girls huddled around it for warmth. One of the girls spoke, the familiar voice perking Ess’ interest as a blond blue eyed girl, a year or so older than herself approached her. With a sigh, the girl looked over Ess, gently examining the bruises along her throat and jaw. “You…should of just done what Jasper said…you’ll live longer if you do.” The girl paused, forcing a sad smile that did not match the emptiness peering out from her gaze. “I’m Jemma….”

~~Some months had passed, Ess finding her only friend in that hellish place was to be Jemma. They’d share the bits of bread given to them, or what they managed to steal from the dogs who seemed to be fed better than they were. It was like a prison, where they were told they would be conditioned to be the perfect little fantasy, the perfect woman; or as Jasper put it, “A savory whore.” The girls who cried a lot, were the ones Jasper focused on the most, so it was up to Jemma and Ess to keep eachother calm, and helping to keep eachother out of trouble. It began to dawn on them, how their numbers started to dwindle. Most of the girls had hardly any fight left in them, and when it seemed they were almost broken, Jasper took them out of the room and Ess never saw them again. They weren’t sure if they were being let go, or killed, until one of the girls actually came back. Tess, was her name; of course she stopped responding to such, and when she was returned, wouldn’t even look at any of the girls or explain what had happened to her. The look in her eyes, vacant and cold, gave Ess chills, unable to imagine the horrors she must of went through. It was like a nightmare they couldn’t wake from but instead fell farther into darkness, losing sight of the light.

“We have to find a way out of here, Jemma…” Ess whispered one night, unable to sleep.

“How….? We can only get out if Jasper comes for us….I don’t want to be like Tess…” Jemma cringed.“…I see that as the only chance we’ve got….”~~

The next time Jasper came into the room, Jemma and Ess began to cry, holding eachother in apparent terror. “Oh..what do we have here? Is it time for you two now?” Jasper muttered curiously, a sadistic sparkle in his eye as he dangled the room key playfully over their heads. “Well…you two can come along like good litta’ birdies or I can make you…”

The girls continued to wail but stood obediently, shuffling along the floor as they followed Jasper out the room, Tess watching Jasper dangle the key as if it were a piece of meat. In a sudden terrified craze, she began muttering to herself, rocking back and forth. “Why…do they get to leave…why do I have to stay….THEY ARE GONNA ESCAPE….NOT FAIR NOT FAIR..!!!” Tess began screaming, jumping to her feet, she leapt up on top of Jasper’s back, clawing at him for the key. Jemma and Ess were wide eyed in confusion, until they looked at eachother taking off in a sudden sprint down the hall. The commotion stirred up the house, several hired hands appearing down the halls, causing the girls to dip and run into another direction. Soon enough they were cornered against a window, where Ess instantly began pounding on the glass, not caring when her fist went through and sliced her all the way up to her elbow. After taking out all the glass with her bare hands, blood slowly coating her skin, Ess began pushing Jemma towards the window. “Time to go! Hurry, out the window!”Ess squatted, Jemma climbing up on her shoulders and out the window with a heavy thud as she landed on the otherside. “Run Jemma!” Ess never even got a chance to climb out, before she was struck hard with the hilt of a sword, everything turning black as she hit the ground.

Ess groaned, her head throbbing in the annoyance of always getting knocked out in order for anyone to get their way. Maybe it was a good thing to not know what was happening to her, not like what she saw when she awoke. Tess, Jemma and herself were bound to chairs, all facing each other. Ess went to speak and Jemma shook her head sternly, thwarting that attempt as Tess began hissing in their direction. “You stupid girls…are gonna get us all killed…you know that-“ Tess was cut off as Jasper appeared off to the side, a chuckle escaping him. “Probably right…my litta’ whore…” He stepped in the center of the three girls, turning slowly to look at each of them. “So…whose gonna go first….hmm?”

Ess spat at the man. “You should be the one to die. You’re horrid man!”

“Ah…we have a winner….”

“Don’t touch her!” Jemma screamed.

“Oh…feeling competitive now are we?” Jasper turned away from Ess and grabbed Jemma by the hair with one hand, the other fiddling with his belt.

Ess began thrashing in her chair, rocking it back and forth, til she was almost on her feet, her back bending forward to keep balance. “Get off my friend!” Ess tried to ram into Jasper, using her chair but was simply knocked aside.

“Oh..is that it now…” The man sneered. “What are you gonna do for me, if I leave Jemma bird alone?..Maybe I should have Tess here show you girls how it’s done…”

Tess didn’t even put up a fight. It was like her mind was gone, and all that was left was an empty shell. Jemma screamed, refusing to watch while Ess simply cried silently, darkness filling her thoughts. “I’m gonna kill you one day…”

Jasper laughed as he approached Ess. “I doubt that birdie….”

“If not me….someone else will…”

Jasper brought out a dagger, and began cutting Ess’ bonds loose and then backed away, holding the blade to Jemma’s throat. “Now…if you want your friend to be spared…you best do what I say…”

Afterwards, Ess curled up, trying to cover her bare flesh, trembling in pain to the point she began to vomit. Jasper gently ran his fingers through Ess’ curls, panting like a dog over her as he dressed. “Better than you thought it’d be, wasn’t it birdie?” Jasper then walked back over to Jemma, who was sobbing perfusely, her eyes never leaving Ess. “You bastard!”

“Maybe I am…” Jasper snickered, bringing the blade up towards Jemma’s throat. “Did you get all that? Your turn…”

Ess sat up and growled, “You said you’d leave her alone….you said she’d be spared! I did all that you said! You’ve won!”

Jasper nodded, “I did, didn’t I?” Without another word he grabbed a handful of Jemma’s hair, slowly dragging the dagger along her throat, causing the girl to gurgle as she gasped for life, spitting up thick droughts of crimson. “See…where having friends gets you?” Jasper turned out the door, locking it behind him, leaving the three girls alone.

Ess stared back at Jemma, unable to move, her mouth dropped open in shock in almost a foolish expression as she watched the life drain from her friend. She stood, still without a stitch of clothing on her as she went to her friend, resting her head on Jemma’s lap she held her in her last moments. “I’m sorry Jemma….I’m so sorry….” Ess whispered.

“It’s your fault! You will get us ALL killed….he’s right you know…doesn’t pay to have friends in here..” Tess muttered hysterically.

It was in that moment, Ess felt the spirit inside her fade some; when much was taken from her today. She was soiled through body and soul, made to believe all this was her fault. Ess was the one who wanted to escape and failed. She had shown weakness, and let it be used against her all for nothing. Jemma died anyway, but at least now she was free. Tess was right. It wasn’t safe for anyone to have friends in here. They were all better off alone, worrying about themselves and their own survival. Ess remained with Jemma, letting her blood coat her skin, cracking and peeling once it dried. Felt like over a day before anyone came for them, dragging Ess away from the blond corpse without a fight. The violet color of her eyes twinkled with a silver lining, a curious glow emanating from them as she watched without feeling as the dogs were released upon Jemma in a hunger frenzy, tearing her body to bits as they devoured her.

~~~

~Present Moment~Some time had passed, Ess finally paused to look at her knuckles when it dawned on her that she couldn’t feel anything anymore. Her skin was peeled back just around the knuckles, shiny and red from their repetition, yet Ess just smiled going for another round. “They…are not….good and….bloody…yet….” She muttered in a defiant growl, the words seeping out each time her fist collided with its target. The aching inside her seemed to level in her excursions, but it never dissipated that day. It was as if she forgot to find the Captain even after the blood began to drip off her hands, she kept going, tears of frustration streaking her cheeks. When her arms tired and she felt the muscles heavy and almost numb she started kicking the bag of sand, angry yells following each hit. Refusing to stop, hours had gone by as she attempted to release her rage into that sand bag before her.

“Enough!” Mageria came around the curve of the path, Tala dancing at her heels. She had gotten distracted sorting some problems out, otherwise she would have been back hours ago. Tala had come whining and scratching at her door, making her realize just how late it really was. Once she realize just what was probably going on down near the river, she had grabbed her healing kit and nearly run out the door. “Enough, Ess. Sit down, girl.” Carefully taking one wrist, she grimaced at the state of her hands. “Gods. You may not have worked it all out today, but if you can move in the morning I’m going to be surprised.” Gently, she lead Ess over to a boulder and sat her down. Pulling a familiar small jar out of her bag, she started gently smearing healing salve made up with as many numbing agents as she could get in; it certainly made her own fingers go numb. After covering most of the girl’s hands, Mageria carefully wrapped them in a protective layering of gauze.

Mageria started cleaning up, placing her things back in her bag before standing up and slinging it back over her shoulder. “Come on, then. We’ve got something for you to eat back at the cabin. You can eat by yourself if you want, or you can eat with the rest of us.” She watched the path in front of them, smiling at Tala now that the wolf seemed calmer. “If you eat with us, the children have been told that they can’t bother you, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

She didn’t say anything else, just walked slowly as Ess stumbled and staggered. It was obvious that she was still raw over whatever it was that had been triggered yesterday, the only thing to do now was to wait and see if she could move past the pain or stay mired in it. She hadn’t been lying, nearly everybody who chose to work in the Blacks had gone through some trauma or other that lead to them being fit to living a life fighting in the shadows. It usually wasn’t fighting skills that caused somebody to have to drop out of training, she could pick candidates better than that. But nearly one out of three couldn’t move past their pain and would have ended up twisted and broken if she didn’t let them go. She prayed that Ess could move past this.

Ess had practically collapsed to the ground, back to reality once she heard the Captain in her ear. Blinking from an angry expression, her features softened as she let her wounds be attended to and was silent, watching the Captain curiously. Her heart still ached, but the anger was lost for the moment, so that even through the physical pain she was feeling she actually started to feel better. Ess whispered a thank you to Mageria as she followed her back to the Captain’s cabin. “..Those kids…..would never be a bother to me, M’am…” Ess stated firmly with a nod. The idea of seeing them somehow calmed her and made her realize just how hungry and thirsty she really was at that moment.

Tala had curled up next to Puppy as Ess ate with the others. Ess forced smiles at the children when they waved happily to her when she had entered, but now she was just frustrated that she couldn’t hold her spoon very well to eat her soup. With a sigh, she stared at the bowl on her lap, when a tiny voice whispered shyly to her. “Miss…Ess?” Lily smiled at her. “..You don’t feel good, Maga says, so I want to help…” Lily carefully picked up the spoon and brought some soup up for Ess to reach. She could hear Jess trying to call Lily away from her, but Ess only smiled.

“You’d do that for me?” Ess whispered, thinking how if it was any other adult who tried to do this, she would have shunned them away, but the innocent gesture of this child simply touched her heart; reminded her of someone in her past. Lily smiled and nodded with a giggle as Ess playfully snapped her lips over the spoon, giving an exaggerated satisfied response. “Mmm..thank you..” This went on for a few minutes until the bowl was emptied and Lily crawled into Ess’ lap. “Can I have a hug now too?” Ess asked the child, and Lily simply snuggled herself against the woman, responding with, “Tomorrow, you can come to my tea party…” Ess laughed unexpectedly and nodded, “Yes M’am.”

Some of the boys came over and sat on the floor before Ess with a sweet expression that simply melted her heart. “Can we hear another story, Miss Ess?” Resting her cheek on top of Lily’s head she beamed at the attention of the children, the aching in her chest slowly subsiding. “Well…what do you want to hear about?”

Clayton spoke up first, “Ooo..oo… I want to hear about dragons!”

“There’s no such thing Clayton..” Another boy protested.

“Says who?” Ess interjected, her brows narrowing in a puzzled look. “I happen to know many who believe they exist, and some who swear they have seen one..”

“What do they look like?” Lily chimed in.

With that, Ess was hooked, reeled in and caught, spending the next hour recalling the stories she had shared with a childhood friend, from long ago. In the end, in order to get Lily to go to sleep, she had promised, when she was feeling better, she would draw her a picture of what she thought a dragon should look like.

I was rereading some posted pieces onShadows of the Forgotten and decided to share this. To bring those unfamiliar with the story, up to speed, this takes place after Luckas and Ess leave the city of Blackpond, just after disposing of Ess’ traitorous brother, Ian. He deserved his suffering, trust me. Maybe another time I’ll post that entire scene but in the meantime if you are curious, you can read the story at the above link. Anyways, Ess’ mother died in childbirth and she never saw her (can’t remember her because she was an infant) and Luckas took a memory from Ian and gave it to Ess. It’s a sweet and beautiful moment. Enjoy.

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Ess’ head snapped up at attention, her brows came together in a puzzled expression, as she moved away from her horse and stood before Luckas. Gradually her eyes casually scanned her friend, snickering when her hand reached for Luckas, fingers once again slinking through his hair where she paused to ruffle up a few locs. She let her eyes lock with his, the rest of the world melting away.

In the beginning, as usual, there was only darkness. As if her eyes had been closed, suddenly opening, rays of fading light; reds, oranges, pinks, and yellows streamed along the horizon. Leafless trees bending from a howling wind against the setting sun, gave the surrounding buildings a lingering glow as street torches were lit for the oncoming evening.

“Ian…it’s your turn to clear the table son…” A man’s voice called from inside. “And shut that window, you’re letting the heat out.”

Ian sighed, giving the window a forceful shove, locking it tight. Moving towards the kitchen table, he began piling the dirty plates together, pausing to stare over towards the mantle. There, Ess’’ father was massaging his wife’s shoulders from where she sat before him, rocking slightly in her chair. Symphony was humming quietly, resting her hands upon her enlarged belly, cheeks glowing a rosy hue against her snow white skin. Dirk was running his fingers through her long, burgundy strands, humming softly in unison. Symphony’s eyes slowly closed as her lips parted in song:

Sweet…Sweet child…see me…..Tiny..white dove..Destined to be free….Winds carry you above…Speckled in crimson blood…

Sweet….sweet love…hear my song…Burn with desire…Never settle for the wrong…Toss regrets into the fire…Their ashes blinding those who conspire…

There was a pause, Symphony opening her lavender gaze to look into Dirks deep blues and for a moment it was like all else was forgotten. Dirk leaned forward, kissing Symphony’s forehead as he slid his hand over hers and they gasped, muttering simultaneously. “…You can feel the heart beat…” They both laughed, as Symphony continued to sing, her husband’s tenor grace reverberating off the walls when he joined in.

Sweet…sweet baby…Open your eyes….Beauty of the soul, little lady…Real love… that never dies…Drink deeply the life, draining the skies..

Symphony turned to look upon Ian, a kind smile overtaking her expression. It was like Ess was there, looking straight into her mother’s own eyes…her eyes. The voice that answered, was unexpected, compared to the soprano-alto that sang seconds ago; now higher pitched with an accent, her vowels dragged out in a subtle lisp. “…Because son….she told me..”

Essence beamed brightly, tears shimmering like stars, aching to fall, yet she held them back, gasping a bit, her vision going dark. As reality slowly trickled back into focus, Luckas’ black eyes already faded from their mimicked violet, Ess found herself stretching out for the image of her mother as it disappeared. She didn’t even notice how her hand hovered just beside Luckas’ cheek, her ears ringing with her mother’s words. “I can feel it……she will be the light in darkness…she will love…she will hate….she will suffer….but still her fire will burn..”

As Luckas’ eyes faded back to his usual black there was something slightly different in his gaze, so much in fact he could feel it in the form of a slight shiver working its way up his spine. He wasn’t sure what that shiver was, or what feeling was behind it really, it wasn’t unpleasant just… Odd. Slowly, he took a step back, his cheek brushing against Ess’ hand as he turned his face away from her, his eyes lowering to the ground as he whispered. “Like I said… Moments.”