Q&A: Bigfoot himself comments on new findings that confirm his existence

Bigfoot DNA confirmed: Bigfoot himself comments on the discovery

A team of genetic researchers in Texas have concluded that the legendary forest-dwelling ape-man, also known as the Sasquatch and, in colder climes, the Yeti, is indeed real. DNA testing has revealed the beast is the result of a human woman coupling with a primate some 15,000 years ago. When reached for comment through his official biographer, Graham Roumieu, Bigfoot had the following to say:

QSo apparently a researcher down in Texas has conducted DNA testing that proves you exist. Care to comment?Bigfoot What? Had not heard about this until now! Have feeling this all part of grander scheme to blackmail Bigfoot with threat of paternity tests.

QMelba S. Ketchum, who headed-up the study, says your species dates back 15,000, when a human bred with a primate. What do you think of her findings?Bigfoot I will Google her now. She kind of hot. Can think whatever freaky thing she want.

QThey apparently tested your hair, blood, urine, and saliva. How’d they get a hold of these samples? You really should be more careful.Bigfoot When you fall hard from roof all those four things sort of just go shooting out of you. Try to clean up as best can but that crap really get into nook and cranny. After watching couple of episode of CSI can’t stop thinking about that sort of stuff. When they get out special light for filth and it turn out all sort of filth everywhere — on walls, on roof, on space station … I mean THAT place probably just look like gas station toilet. Do Febreeze work in zero gravity?

QIt’s been four years since your last book. I guess this means you’ll have to write something new.Bigfoot It true, Bigfoot should do something. Have been seclusion, but in me defence have been productive seclusion, sort of like when Monet started wearing old lady dress and slippers and painted mud puddle all day. Something new and good will happen and Bigfoot will sell lots of coffee mug and jar of scab. Especially now that Dr. Ketchup have me DNA anyways.