Guest Blogger: My friend Bill

I need, like a prescription, man, or something. I’m like so tired all the time. And it’s like, you know, I’m like really tired. I can’t get up on time for work. And my boss is always like, “The next time is going to be the last time, I mean it!” and I’m just like, whatever man, please, just do it already, just like fire me already, come on, just like, yeah just go for it and do it. Maybe I can get some sort of a medication to get me up on time and stuff, you know, one where I hear the alarm clock go off and instead of just beeping over and over again, without waking me up, you know it’s always like that, like I’ll set it for eight, or eight fifteen … no, not or, I set it for both. And eight twenty, and eight twenty five. And I do this thing where I put my phone charger on the other side of the room, and so eight o’clock comes around and it’s like that really aggressive, just really, really … like a really aggressive sound, it’s like, “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” over and over again, not saying it like that, it’s an alarm noise, but that’s what it sounds like to me, when it goes off, at first, because, and I think this is where I was starting to get started with all of this, that I need some sort of a medication, just a light dosage, where the alarm goes off, and it would only be one alarm, and I’d be like, “Good morning!” and I’d be up. Instead of what normally happens, which is: alarm goes off. I don’t hear anything. Nothing. I’m just sleeping away. Every once in a while I’ll be having a really good dream, like one of those really good morning dreams, and sometimes if the alarm is going off in the background, that alarm noise, it’ll sort of, you know, like I’ll hear it in the dream, but it won’t be hearing it from the awake world, it’ll be like I’m hearing it in the dream world. I think. That stuff happens on TV all the time. And five minutes goes by then my roommate starts banging on the walls, that guy never works at all, so I don’t know where he gets off, for serious, because it’s like, dude, why don’t you try and get up early in the morning? And then finally he keeps banging, and, like I’m still half asleep, sometimes I won’t even remember doing it, I’ll get out of bed and I’ll walk over to that other side of the room and I’ll take it off the charger and turn that alarm off and put the phone right next to me in bed. So then the next alarm goes off, “Wake u—“ I’m already turning it off. Back to sleep. And the snooze button. And then I wake up later than ever, and I’m running around, I know my boss is going to call me, and I’ll be like, “On my way boss!” but not even, because I don’t want to do that, he’ll know I’m still at home. No, better to just show up, try to act all out of breath, I’ll tell him, “Boss, the subway, it just stopped. You know how it is boss,” and the breathing in and out, really heavy, he’ll know that I ran right in, like right straight from the subway stop, as fast as I could. But if I could just have like one pill, up and at ‘em, and another one, just one to make me go to sleep at night, I swear, sometimes I try to go to bed early and I’m just like, I can’t do it, I feel like I just got home from work, and there’s no way, I can’t, I just … I can’t do it, I can’t just have like a whole day where it’s like, alarm, alarm, alarm, work, bed, alarm, like I need to, you know, I don’t know. I just got to like … I just got like go to a doctor, my roommate does that shit, he’s just like, “Uh … it hurts,” and I don’t even know how much longer he’s going be able to keep pulling this off. He never gets out of bed. Never has to. Just keeps knocking, banging, like turn your alarm off dude, not saying it out loud, but saying it with his banging. But every once in a while, if I’m like really asleep, like really, he’ll be like, “Dude! Shut the fuck off!” which doesn’t even make any sense. Like I get it, but it’s not right, right?