Suicide Grief Support Forum

The Suicide Grief Support Forum is a public message board, an outreach project of the Parents of Suicides (POS) and Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Communities. The forum officially began on October 2, 2002.

Our mission is to provide information, support and comfort to anyone whose life has been touched by the suicide of another person. Connecting with others who have walked the same road can sometimes make a difference in how we survive a tragedy that may be incomprehensible.

The board is monitored by special volunteers who give freely of their time in memory of the people they lost to suicide.

We do not pretend to be professionals, and we encourage anyone whose needs are greater than can be met here to seek out professional help.

On 29th November 2015 me, my ex partner-father of my daughter(his names Jon), and his friends went to a gig. By this time we were both living seperate lives so we were just 'friends'. Obviously I loved him, I still wanted to be with him but he didn't so i had to accept this.So yeah we went to a gig one of our favourite bands and that would be the very last time I saw him. His attitude towards me that day seemed odd,he seemed hostile, he didn't seem himself at all but i just put this down to meeting new friends and other things. Aswell he seemed 'happy, at peace but still broken but non of it signled suicide, if it did I would of been on the phone to his family and I would of even slept outside his flat, i would of done anything if i had any inkling. The hug before he left felt strange, it prolonged, and the way he said as he always did 'you take care' seemed sad and broken, not as it always has been said.

A few days later i got a text off is mum telling me he'd had a heart attack, me and the daughter had the flu at this point so we were taking a nap, when i woke up, in-between sleep and awakeness i read the text and replied back 'i hope he gets better soon' - thinking i was dreaming and then i did wake up and then texted 'im sorry just had a nap etc..' I was told he was in ICU and he was to have a brain scan in 2 days time to asses any brain damage. After that I did not recieve any update from his mum. CT scan didn't show any brain damage but by Sunday one of his friends which is now a close friend of mine phoned me and said 'i'm so sorry' and eventually told me what had happened as his mum didn't really tell me anything.

He had ingested a poision, right before drinking a whole bottle of whiskey and he had a cardiac arrest

I was living in a different city at this time so I decided to travel up everyday just to see him and it was horrible, seeing him on breathing tubes, he was in ICU. My parents had my daughter.

Aswell as dealing with this, a 'girl' that he was messing around with was claiming to be an 'actual girlfriend', she has made this situation a whole lot worse than it could be, shes behaved erratically, has told hundreds of different accounts of what happened that day. He took it infront of her, another one was he only admitted a few hours later after he took it, that he actually took it and this when they called an ambulance. I don't know what the real story is, she was all over him in ICU, telling all his very close friends to get out. He had a waiting room full of friends and what hurts the most is that no one, his family, friends knew who this girl was and his mum happily accepted her they were linking arms outside the hospital, this girl got to have the last moments of his life with him and that breaks me. I feel his mum betrayed me and her grand daughter. Im sorry to sound selfish but it should of been me or even a close friend. The girl is nowhere to be seen since, made a lousy speech at his funeral. At one point because of her behaviour his friends reported that they wanted to go to the police but thought that maybe emotions were getting the better of them. But because of her behaviour. A day before he did it, she kissed and came onto one of his close mates and apparently she was in a relationship the whole time of 'seeing' my ex. I think this was the trigger for my ex. One of his friends have reported she was controlling over him by the texts they seen, telling him what to do. I cant say weather this is true or not but her behaviour was very odd from what i seen. She went to the newspaper after got her few seconds of fame. I am hurt by his mum, i feel betrayed and I know she was in a place i cant imagine but i am still hurt, she shut me out at this time and all i wanted to do was help, support and be with the love of my life! its not something you can get back. I have sometimes wanted to talk to her about it but she has enough to deal with than my pettiness. I remain entirely civil with her for the sake of my daughter but I wouldn't go out of my way for her. A part of me wants to get close but right now i just can't, i'm to hurt.

In the last 6 months leading up to that day, he seemed off with me, like when he met up with me like we always did it was like he was always in a rush to get away, this was around the time he apparently met this girl, he told one of his closet mates she was just a bit of company and a bit of fun. He couldn't do relationships, he couldn't do love, it was hard looking after himself and these are his words not mine and i believe that, you could see it. He suffered from depression many years, was an alcoholic and suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder.

He was in ICU for a week and half and eventually passed away on 10th Dec 15. I still try to get my head around it. You read people managed without oxygen for 45 mins and all these stories, again, i will never know how long he went without,sometimes i think did she wait until he actually passed out and to be honest we'l never know. The inquest ruled 'accidental death'. His CPN knew he had this substance. To me he wasn't dead on the 10th he had died before that, i had no hope not because i didn't want to, gawd if could of done anything, but i just knew. Everyone was getting all hoped up, he'd wake up etc.. but i knew. I had 10 mins alone with him, i talked to him, the best 10 mins of my life, one eye was looking at me, one eye was somewhere else, they were quater of a way open. He started breathing on his own when he was on ventilater but he was making involuntry movements and no brain activity. I wish i had a chance to be in those consultant rooms. I remember been brought into a room with a nurse with his friends and being told 'his family are grateful for your support but his mum only want family now' i felt a huge kick in the teeth, After everything i did/done for that family. Apparently just before he died his eyes shot open and then they closed then he passed.

I have so many questions, even about the medicial side of things. Why did his eyes shoot open. Most will never be answered but yeah.

The very last time i seen him was in the chapel of rest. I had visions of him shooting up and going HA! the joker he was. but no this was real. His funeral followed. And now a year on i am still as broken as then and i fear i will never find love as no one can live upto his standards. He was everything and more. Now I'm so empty and feel dead inside. Please don't tell me i need to keep strong for my daughter I already do.