Archive for the Humor Category

You ever wonder if all those stereotypes about Louisiana are true? You know, that Louisiana is a big swamp filled with alligators, and people with funny sounding names. Well, I am here to tell you that all those stereotypes are indeed true. I have photo evidence so you never have to wonder again.

You non-Louisianians have dog parks where people that live in cities can bring their dogs to get exercise. We have something similar. We have these:

The Alligator Park

That’s right, we have parks where we can take our pet alligators out for some exercise. In the above photo you can see my dad on the front of the boat, but if you look even more closely, you can see my pet alligators, Gaston, Boudreaux, Clotile, Guistard, and Jeff out frolicking in the marsh.

Gaston

Alligators are ambush predators, so they rely on camouflage and stealth to catch their prey. This makes them difficult to capture on film when all you have is a crappy cell phone camera. If look closely at the above photo, you can see Gaston doing his impression of a group of water hyacinth. He does it well.

Boudreaux

The above photo was a fun one. Here you can see Boudreaux being “it” in every alligator’s favorite game, Marco Polo. It’s very important for your pet alligators to get regular exercise. A tired gator is a well behaved gator.

Guistard

Guistard kept getting caught in Marco Polo, and began to misbehave. I had to put him in time out. The only problem is with those camouflage skills I mentioned earlier makes it hard to find where you left him. Guistard can be mischievous, but he’s a good boy.

Well, actually me and dad went fishing in Gibson, LA. We found a spot that opened up into the marsh. In that spot there were more big alligators then I have ever seen in one spot. Usually you see the little three and four footers, and never see more than one or two big gators. You can’t tell in the photos because my phone’s camera makes them look like the alligators in Pit Fall, but these gators ranged from about six feet to ten feet.

We ended up catching our limit of bass. My dad caught a couple of four pounders, but most of the fish we caught were around two pounds. Funny thing is, you couldn’t taste the difference once they were battered and fried.

I guess teh global warming finally got us. We’ve been having 110 heat indexes all week. When it’s 99 degrees and 97 percent relative hunidity, the air conditioner in your car becomes almost useless. Hell, it is useless if you’re not in the shade.

I think the sun has been making me sweat out all my post ideas. Global warming sucks. Well, at least it rained yesterday for the first time in about a month.

Just some quick thoughts:

Politicians suck. All politicians regardless of the letter next to their name.

If you let an alcoholic crack addict spend the night at your house, you have no right to report your shit stolen the next day.

Quit saying “It’s just a border collie”, or “it’s just an australian shepherd.” Those dogs are 115% more likely to bite people than pit bulls*.

It probably goes without saying that police driving is different from civilian driving. If you want to be the police, there are some very important things to remember. These tips will help you stay safe, sane, and employed.

For the first tip, we must go back to high-school physics. We must always be cognizant of the fact that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. No matter how hard you try, you cannot get your patrol car to pass through another vehicle unscathed.

You may think that the emblem on the side of a police care identifies the agency to which the car belongs. You would be wrong. The emblem is actually a coded sign that tells shit-bags, “I am easy to sue!” What that means to any of you prospective police officers is don’t expect the other drivers on the road to proceed with common sense. They will pull out in front of you praying that they hit you. They will motion you to go at an intersection, only to pull out, once again, praying you hit them. They will do all manner of idiotic things in an attempt to get your car to collide with their car. Then, they have the audacity to accuse you of writing them a ticket just because you’re mad they got in front of you in traffic.

Finally, I am convinced that all those psychological tests we are subjected to when we get hired serve a purpose other than making sure we are not psychos, deviants, and/or sadists. The main purpose of those tests are to make sure we are not susceptible to the brain sucking effects of the strobe lights. I wouldn’t think that pulling as far to the right as possible, and stopping is a hard concept to grasp. It never fails, when the lights come on, and you absolutely need to get somewhere fast, other drivers lose their fucking minds. They speed up, they straddle the center line, they pull left, they jam their breaks, they pull in front of you from private drives while you are doing 120 mph. I’m not sure how the strobe lights steal brains, or what they do with the the brains once they have them, and I think someone should do a study of this phenomenon.

As a 10 year law enforcement professional, sometimes I have trouble understanding some things. See, cops think very differently than most people when it pertains to law enforcement topics, just like I am sure doctors think differently on medical matters, and so on. Sometimes I wonder if I have been in law enforcement so long that I have lost touch with the non-police world. I want you to help me wrap my mind around a few things.

Is it just me, or is it pretty stupid for a parent to call the police because their kid doesn’t want to go to school? Isn’t one pretty much admitting defeat as a parent at that point? Is it wrong of me to have so much disdain in my heart for these people?

Is it just me, or does it seem rather idiotic for one to argue the law with the police? Let’s say for the sake of argument that the hypothetical policeperson (we must be politically correct) is wrong. The hypothetical policeperson is going to do their job the way they see fit, and the hypothetical complainant will not win this argument. Let me give you a for instance: Complainant calls police because their wife took their vehicle. Policeperson says that in this state all property is considered community property until the divorce is settled. What would prompt the complainant to answer with an ill-informed “No it’s not.”

Is it just me, or do people not understand that policepersons pay taxes too, and therefore pay their own salary? Why do idiots always throw out, “I pay your salary!” Bitch, I pay taxes too, so I pay as much of my salary as you do. Along with that, I know the Sheriff too. Spoke to him this morning, as a matter of fact.

Maybe I’m just an asshole that has become too cynical during the course of my career. Maybe I am completely out of touch. Somebody set me straight if I am wrong.

I know, it’s a link to the Huffington Post. I despise HuffPo with every fiber of being, and would not willingly direct any of my readers to that den of asshattery. However, these are special circumstances. This video is too great not send you to it. I don’t know what else to do.

Now, in preparing to view this gem you need to keep in mind two things. First this video is not safe for work. Second, Jealous? Jealous of what?

So click here to view the video. Don’t venture too far away from the video, or you may get covered in batshit, and squirrel turds.

Let this be a lesson to you boys, and girls, when the friendly police man is asking you politely to do something, it’s not a good idea to say “I don’t have to!” Because, actually, you do have to. And you will, one way or the other.

I have always wanted to try this. Where I work, there are still some rural areas, and we have to deal with fugitive livestock. I was always curious what would happen, but it appears some enterprising individual tested this theory.

In this line of work, it is inevitable that you will see dead bodies. You’ll see old people that died in their sleep. Young people cut down in the prime of their lives. Freak accidents, and deaths that can’t be immediately explained.

Though I am a seasoned law enforcement officer, the sight of a dead body always affects me. I’m not so cynical that I have become totally numb to the loss of human life. Every single time I see a dead body, it makes me question things that I wouldn’t otherwise take the time to think about.

One of the first questions that always pops into my head when viewing a dead body is what the fuck is that smell? No, seriously, what the fuck is that smell. Is that the dead dude I’m smelling, or that bowl of tuna fish sitting on the counter? Maybe it’s that mangy Pomeranian in the kennel in the bathroom. Whatever it is, it stinks.

One of the things that I mull over at suicide scenes is, what the fuck did I just step in? Was that dog shit? It was kind of squishy, I hope it wasn’t a hunk of brain. That question usually leads to, is there a water hose around here? I don’t want to track whatever that was into my unit.

Another one of the mysteries of life that I’ll ponder at a death scene is whether or not the rookie is gonna puke. He is a little wide eyed and pale. Maybe he already puked, and was smooth enough to keep everyone from seeing. Maybe that’s what I’m smelling. Maybe that’s what I stepped in.

Sometimes I’ll share my profound questions with some of my co-workers. Sometimes the questions are just too poignant to keep to myself. Sometimes I’ll enlist my co-workers’ insight to solve one of these mysteries. Especially when the question is where are we going to eat lunch when we leave here? I’m starving, and I don’t give a shit if that rookie lost his appetite. He needs to learn to suck it up.

Probably the most important question that hits me is how much longer are those damned detectives going to keep me out here? Do they really need to keep me out here with my thumb up my ass while they poke this guy’s entrails with a stick? I need to go wash off my boots, and I’m still freakin’ starving.