Just kill me now day

It has truly been a day where I just want to stand in front of a firing squad and scream KILL ME NOW!

Part of it is hormones, I swear I have that damn menstrual dysphoric thing going on, because for two weeks a month I am either in tears, a rage, or a crippling “I want to die” depression. Which considering I am usually already in those states makes it double the fun. NOT.

Part of it is all the pressure coming from all sides.

My mom is stressing out and keeps threatening to quit babysitting.

R is pressuring me to be there every day, then reminding me of a mistake I made two months ago that he had to repair therefore I basically owe him my soul and the next ten years of my life for free. Then if I assert myself he whines that I am nagging him and being mean like his wife.

Really people? Wanna stick some bamboo under my nails? Because ya know, I am not in enough misery, I DEMAND MORE.

Fuck it all really.

Today my panic and paranoia were off the freaking charts. Driving in this town is like being in the bumper cars only you seem to be the only who got the memo that the goal IS TO NOT BUMP INTO EACH OTHER. Maniacs. I felt like frogger in a damn car, everyone was just coming at me in all directions and it’s like no one is paying any attention. At one point some big ass pick up blocked me into a parking space so I could not back out or pull forward, which was akin to having a bag held over my face.

I know everyone is not out to get me, but today is sure as fuck felt like they were.

The day dragged on and on. I started out semi manic. Ended up with uber cramps and a depression that made me want to drink bleach.

But I came home and fed my kid and bathed her, then I forced my own scuzzy butt into the shower. I watched Castle, which was barely enjoyable because R kept calling to remind me of things to do tomorrow, all the while rubbing salt into my wounds about my months ago fuck up and how grateful I should be for him fixing it.

Personally, if someone tells you “I don’t know what I am doing here” and you insist they do it anyway, you should just fix their mistake and shut the fuck up because they tried to tell you!!!!

But noo, reality doesn’t work that way.

He’s also putting more pressure on me about the A plus certification and at this point, I am so stressed and feeling so spiteful and rebellious for all the pressure I don’t even want to do it anymore. I’d rather work in a fucking head shop selling bongs and dildos. Or mopping up at a fucking peep show. Pressuring me just has such an opposite effect. But people will never get it, no matter how many times I tell them.

Which has lead to my current state of “you can all fuck off and die.”

I half wish my mom would call and tell me she won’t babysit tomorrow. Fuck you, R, fuck you for putting all this goddamn pressure on me and not listening when I tell you it’s getting to be too much.

But because he and his children are psychotic overachievers, I am expected to be as well.

Some days, I hope for some fatal or at least long term illness just to get that man off my back. Telling him to get off my back doesn’t do a bit of good. It’s sad because it used to be kind of fun and educational helping him out. Now it just feels like a boulder I am packing around on my damn back. And he’s the one who has done it, by trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. He can’t accept that I am not like him and his spawns, and I don’t want to be. I am happy just getting by. I’d rather be content than have people think I am great.

He’d rather people think he’s great and be utterly miserable to the point of drinking himself into a stupor every night.

I’ll pass.

God, I don’t even know where I was going with this rant.

I thought about calling the shrink earlier when I had a panic attack in traffic and had to pull over. My brain just overloaded and my terror level went through the roof. It was all too much at once.

Then I thought, well if I call and tell her this, she’s going to want to put me in a damn wacko basket. And I’ve been to the wacko basket and there is NOTHING they do there that can’t be done on my own, except bill insurance for about ten grand.

So…I’m pretty fucking lost.

And I’m not looking forward to going in tomorrow for more reminders of my fuck up. I do the best I can. When I say I am in over my head, LISTEN to me for fuck’s sake. This has not been a learning experience. This has been an example in shaming me to the point where I am afraid to sharpen a fucking pencil in the place lest I do it wrong.

On the plus side…Since he was so hell bent on torturing me, I made him pay for it. I asked him to buy me the digital copy of the new Wednesday 13 Dixie Dead album…and he did. And it is awesome. Wednesday makes me happy. His music is dark and loud and I love it. I literally had a smile pasted on my face after listening to the song “Fuck You”.

Wednesday always manages to sum up all my emotions with a song title.

Now…I am going to try to take a breath and not peel my own skin off. I swear it’s crawling with anxiety cooties.

2 Responses to “Just kill me now day”

As I read this I must say, I KNOW THE FEELING, and although it sucks to be in it, I am now glad that I am not alone. I happen to be on the other side at this moment, but tomorrow I could be right where you are. And boy, isnt it horrible that you are aware of the crap. Like it isnt bad enough to be harming your own self, but to know and live withthe fact that your crap is spilling over onto the ones you love. Please know that Just For Today you are not alone. I will rest easier tonight knowing I am not the only one that feels that way sometimes. I get so sick of myself that sometimes I feel everyone would be better off without my anger and insanity. Frankly I think its been crazy in my life since November, one thing after another. And I dont like to ever voice it because I am not looking to victimize myself or feel sorry for myself but I have got to get it out. Now I know, thanks to you I can spew my madness in a safe forum. Thank you for your honesty, and for touching my life today. If you feel useless today, don’t; you just helped me. xox

Thank you. This is amazing, because this is the whole reason I spew my emotional vomit into a blog. Not for attention, not to pity myself, but because I have spent soo long feeling like it’s just me going through this. And I realize it’s not just me and if I share what I go through, maybe it can help just one person through one day and it’s worthwhile. Not feeling alone helps a lot. I am glad I was able to touch your life, and thank you for touching mine as well. 🙂