Frazzled Mom

A hole in the nose is easily repaired. A hole in the heart is much more difficult to mend.

My teenage son is going through a very difficult phase right now. He ignores most of what we say, disobeys many of our rules and recently threatened to pierce his lip. Besides causing his father and me stress and anxiety, I'm worried about the impact of his negative behavior on the other kids in the house.

A Frazzled Mother of an Adolescent Son

Dear Frazzled Mom,

Take heart. First of all, your son's behavior (as unpleasant as it may be) falls well within the range of normal adolescent behavior (see Surviving Your Adolescent).

Secondly, although his actions may suggest that he is ignoring what you say, I can assure you that he is not. The advice you give, the words you use, the manner in which you speak them and the ways in which you act are all having an impact on him. Our children are very heavily influenced by the values we express -- both orally and through our deeds. When they emerge from this phase (I know, it can't happen too soon!), you will be surprised to seem them modeling themselves after you. It just takes a lot of patience and a lot of trust.

The most important thing is never to give up, never to lose hope.

While we, as parents, are busy worrying about the negative impact of this defiant or inappropriate behavior on our other offspring, we want to be careful not to give them something deeper and more serious to be concerned about.

All of our children -- and particularly our difficult ones -- need our love. They need to know that we will never, God forbid, abandon them, that we will always be there for them.

If we feel we need to push away one child to protect the others, we are making a serious mistake. We are teaching all of our children that our love for them is conditional, that there are things they could do that could lead to some type of disinheritance. We have introduced an underlying layer of fear and anxiety into everyone's lives. We have made all of our children feel vulnerable and insecure.

On the other hand, if our children (including the adolescent himself) see that although we may disapprove of certain behaviors and attitudes our love for them remains firm, everyone will be strengthened. The home will embody security.

A difficult teenager who is never allowed to forget how much his parents love him and believe in him has a much better chance of emerging successfully from that phase.

Additionally, we shouldn't discount the support of his siblings. Instead of separating them from each other or even worse, turning them against him, the love and closeness of siblings can be a powerful force in keeping this recalcitrant teenager firmly entrenched within the bosom of him family.

I'm not saying any of this is going to be easy. Or magic. Or that there won't be stumbling blocks along the way. But, just as the Almighty loves all of His children and we are empowered and united through this knowledge, so too will our children be empowered and united through the recognition of our unwavering love and commitment.

You may still be frazzled but don't worry about his negative influence on his siblings; worry about them responding negatively to him. He is lost and frightened and their support (and yours) needs to be at his back. A hole in the ear (or lip or nose) will easily close and is easily repaired. A hole in the heart is much more difficult to mend.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
Mom,
February 8, 2009 4:54 PM

Difficult Time with Teen Daughter

I had a very difficult time some about 6 years ago with our teenage daughter with regard to school behavior, drugs and alcohol.

My husband (her father) was not comfortable with disciplining our daughter. He pretended to believe whatever she said about the smell of pots on her clothes and where she spent the night. He mostly avoided her for 3 *or* 4 years.

Every single day was a strugle for me. I dreaded the weekend when I would lie awake at night imagining her in some disasterous situation. I can''t tell you how many times I buried that child in my imagination. I was so sure that she was dead.

But I stuck with her. I was incredibly intrusive to keep up with her. Then, I knew what she was up against and could talk to her about it. With a good therapist and sick to it mothering she is beyond all that now and doing great.

She did influence her younger brother. He saw the mess she made of her life and the stress/pain she caused our family. He decided to stay out of trouble in high school.

Every situation is different. Spend as much time as you can with your teen. Make up things to do together ("I need you to go to the grocery with me. I can''t lift the dog food.") Time is really all we have to give. Be there and pray.

(7)
Leah,
February 5, 2009 10:26 AM

I cannot imagine that Mrs. Braverman would suggest that parents should allow cocaine and sexual abuse between siblings and other ills to stay in the home. I believe what she is saying is located in the level and example of what is going on in the home. Piercings and not listening to parents are difficult issues - not self distructive to a point of death or psychological impairment heaven forbid.
Thirteen year old Ishmael was actually taking his bow and arrow and aiming it on purpose at his toddler aged brother, Yizchok, pulling the trigger and intentionally missing by inches and saying, "Oops, gosh I got a little too close that time." THERE is a tremendous difference here between the two issues being compared here.

(6)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2009 9:58 PM

uncertain

While I agree with the author that it is important to show your children unconditional love and to not give up hope, I believe that there are situations that call for parents to act and set up boundaries. Teenagers sometimes need a more tougher love and need to know that not all their behavior is acceptable. Additionally, there are parents who ask Rabbanim and have been told to take the very painful step of asking, (their over 18 year old children who are continuing to live a different lifestyle of their parents), to either agree to live by their parents rules or to find another place to live. While that may sound shocking and painful, there are some families and some teenagers where this needs to happen. I do think those parents need to find them somewhere else to live if that teenager decides to take that route, and to keep up a relationship, but again only if it is appropriate for the family & said teenager. Appropriate Daas Torah and mental health professionals should be utilized in these types of situations.

(5)
chaya,
February 3, 2009 2:54 PM

have no regrets

When they are grown, remember that YOU were the ones that parented them. So try to stop and think before you respond to their behavior in any way angry or belittleing...try to stay focused and calm, difficult as it may be.. and have a talk with him or her later, when your own feelings have settled. You shouldn't treat your young adult as a baby, but should treat them with the respect you want them to give you..In this way, in the future, you will have no regrets and they will look back on their teen years with happy memories of the way their parents raised them.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2009 2:13 PM

response to Ms. Bach

problematic indeed. As were many of the situations our forefathers found themselves in and from which we are encouraged to gleen wisdom, no? but thanks for your input. i can see how a son of a concubine could throw a bit of complexity into the mix. Either way, I think Ms. Braverman's advice was not only eloquently written, but sound. take care.

(3)
Deborah Bach,
February 3, 2009 8:09 AM

response to What of the example of Ishmael?

Who says that we are being told told to emulate this particular act? Remember that Ishmael grew up in a family structure that does not resemble an average modern family. Avraham married to Sarah, takes a concubine who gives birth to Ishmael. Later Sarah goes on to have her own child. Problematic set-up!

(2)
Anonymous,
February 2, 2009 4:21 PM

What of the example of Ishmael?

thoughtful response and it makes much sense to me. I was thinking though -doesn't the Torah tell us otherwise with the sending away of Ishmael?

(1)
Eric. D,
February 2, 2009 6:14 AM

Never?

"If we feel we need to push away one child to protect the others, we are making a serious mistake."
I believe this is usually true, but I do not believe it's true in extreme cases. For instance, what if one child is serially sexually abusing another child in the house, or poses some other threat to his or her danger? In such a case, it would be wise to banish the child from the house, etc.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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