There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper. The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.

"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"

By Smaktakula

Harris, Trained As A Geriatric Nurse, Discreetly Performs CPR On Her Enfeebled Fiancée.

Hugh Hefner, the decrepit, Viagra-gobbling relic of the Sexual Revolution, recently proposed to Crystal Harris, Playboy‘s Miss December 2009. Hefner, old enough to remember the Great Depression, announced his engagement to the twenty-four-year-old Harris via a Christmas Eve tweet.

The 'Playboy Man': A Timeless Archetype Of Swaggering Virility, Of A Macho So Thick And Viscous That It Sticks To Walls.

Critics contend that while the desiccated octogenarian’s comfort with Twitter is mildly charming, there is something more than a little unseemly about Hefner marrying a woman six decades his junior. Playboy representatives dismissed this as small-minded puritanism, reaffirming Hefner’s commitment to his soulless, little boy’s fantasy of a lifestyle.

Turn-Ons Include: Chick Flicks, Romance And Incontinent Old Men.

Harris is not the first instance in which Hef has dipped into the company coffers: he’s also dated Barbi Benton, Shannon Tweed, Donna Michelle and a harem’s worth of others. In recent years the dirty old man boasted of dating up to seven Playmates at a time, thrusting a symbolic middle finger at erectile dysfunction. Harris won’t even be the first Playmate to wed Hef. That honor goes to Kimberly Conrad, Playboy‘s 1989 Playmate of the Year. Conrad and Hefner have two children, the older of whom is five years younger than Harris. Hefner’s oldest child, Christie, is thirty-three years older than Harris.

Harris Knows That If She's Unfaithful To Hef, There's Already A Replacement Waiting To Take Her Place.

Ms. Harris is said to be ecstatic about life with Playboy‘s original visionary, noting that Hefner is about the same age as her great-grandfather, “And I love Poppy-Pop thiiiiiiis much!” she said, indicating with her arms that her love for the two senior citizens measured well over a yard {0.91m}. Harris then walked into a door post. She later apologized to the post.

When Grandpa Starts Acting This Way, It's Time To Call Shady Acres.

In a perfect world, Hugh and Crystal’s relationship would be free from society’s preconceptions regarding romance and the elderly. Life not being perfect, we simply wish the best to this special couple, and share Harris’ hope that she will be the lucky rider holding the reins when the horse finally kicks over. Best of luck, Crystal–don’t sign anything.

Once Content To Be A Caricature Of Himself, Hef's Current Ambition Is To Live Every Day Of His Life As If It Were A Benny Hill Sketch.

By Smaktakula

Why not get inked by tiresome former celebrity and citizen of Clan Arquette, David A. Cox?

"It's A Dragon That Shoots Dragons From Its Eyes! And Then Those Dragons Shoot Dragons From Their Eyes, Too! And Then Those Dragons--Guess What They Shoot From Their Eyes? Guess! Oh, Man! You Are So Not Gonna Regret This!"

Well, you know what, Mom? Maybe if you’d bought me Red Power Ranger with the light-up eyes and collectible key chain for Christmas 1999 like I asked you to, then maybe I wouldn’t need to get the Chinese character for ‘Fire’ tattooed on my chest. But what do I know, right? I’m only your son. You tell me, Mom. You tell me.

The most heinous of her crimes, of course, is being so loathsome that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain found the taste of a shotgun preferable to the thought of spending even one more second listening to Love’s screeching voice.

Included among the vast legion of people who consider Love an epic cooze is the talentless harpy’s own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. The younger Cobain prevailed upon the court recently to emancipate her from the chemical-crazy she-beast from whose cankerous loins she sprang. The court mercifully agreed.

Unfortunately for young Francis Bean, the trust fund left for her by her father’s estate won’t be as easy to emancipate. Just as Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl already know, nobody clings with greater tenacity to the fruits of more talented labors than does Courtney Love. Adding insult to injury, the trust fund has grown mysteriously lighter, to the tune of $8 Million.*

Hey Pretty Lady, Was That Your Fine Ass I Saw Down At the SELL-UR-BLOOD The Other Day?

In a final irony, the ravages of an indiscreet lifestyle have transformed Courtney Love from a shapely, Anna Nicole Smith-wannabe into a virtual doppelgänger of Yoko Ono: a yellow, shriveled, screaming mess.

By Smaktakula

Paul Montgomery Shore, better known as Pauly, came along at a time when America needed him most. In the early to mid 1990’s, this twitchy, bedraggled gypsy fit neatly into the pop culture void created by the absence of the two Coreys, but which had yet to be filled by the testosterone-fueled fury of Vin Diesel.

Pauly Shore’s movies are beloved by millions of cinema devotees. Not unlike tiresome anachronism Jerry Lewis, this madcap buffoon’s zany antics speak to the child inside all of us.

However, there is a long running debate among Pauly Shore scholars as to which of the comedian’s many cinematic appearances can be considered true “Pauly Shore” movies, as opposed to movies where the actor merely graces the screen with his presence.

To Our Younger Readers: For The Briefest of Moments In The 20th Century, This Was Considered Cool

Pauly Shore scholarship is still a relatively new discipline, not yet in its second full decade. As such, academics have yet to reach a consensus as to which films are canon, and which are not. Most experts agree on the following 5 criteria:

1) Pauly Shore must be the star of the film, and have most of the dialogue.

2) Top-billed co-stars, if any, may be neither a) better-known than Pauly Shore, or b) more talented.

4) Pauly Shore must be initially reviled by the other principal characters, often including the love interest. However, through the course of the film, they will come to see that while Pauly Shore’s character may be unconventional, everybody benefits by adopting his grating mannerisms and attitude.

5) Pauly Shore must learn something.

While deciding which films to include among the canon can be a difficult task, determining which films should not is ridiculously simple. While Phantom of the Mall, Casper Meets Wendy andThe Wash all feature irritating performances by Pauly Shore, none of those films meet the basic standards defined above.

Recently, an article in the PMS Scholar attempted the daunting task of determining a Pauly Shore canon. The article, which posited six canonical films was well-received and widely read.

Heretical though our beliefs may be considered in some quarters, Promethean Times recognizes only four films as official canon. They are:

Although the PMS Scholar considers the following two films to be canon, Promethean Times does not.

Encino Man: The film that introduced the world at large to Pauly Shore. For that alone it deserves recognition. However, it does not qualify for the canon. Although Pauly Shore steals the movie with weaselly gusto, both Brendan Fraser and Samwise Gamgee have larger roles.

Pauly Shore Is Dead: The anti-Pauly Shore movie, directed by Shore himself. Cannot be included in the canon due to the heightened degree of awareness Shore has by this time that for most humans, his personality is the equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard.