Reflections on life living with BPD. Experience of using DBT to manage EUPD/BPD symptoms. Wanting to connect and encourage others struggling with Mental Illness. Stop the Stigma - the best way to learn about my Mental Health is to ask me about it...

Friday, 6 December 2013

People Need People - the forgotten DBT skill?

When I was at my lowest, there were times when I would lie under my duvet brooding on how isolated I was, how I could die under my duvet and no one would be the wiser...or even care! It took effort and the skillful use of distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills to get out of bed and keep body and soul together. Having decided to live life and engage with the world outside again, I discovered that there is a paradox which can help to end my isolation: When I immerse myself in working with or helping others,suddenly I feel better about myself and talking to people becomes easier; when I hide myself away for fear of being hurt I become more vulnerable to rejection.

I started 'contributing' by helping with a kids' holiday club - I found it easier to talk to the kids (no judgements - perceived or otherwise!) at first, but soon I was able to talk to other 'helpers' and then to parents.

In DBT, getting involved in the lives of others is called 'contributing' and it is a skill that I had not considered key to my recovery until I looked back over the past 18 months of treatment. There are some key things that I have learned about this skill:

1) It helps me to become involved in a world that is bigger than my own pain and distress. Although under the duvet is a safe world - I am not engaging with the world outside of my own emotions and thoughts when I stay there longer than is helpful.

2) It helps me to know that I am not alone in feeling what I feel about the world. How can I know if anyone else is dealing with the same issues as me, if I don't talk to people?

3) Joining in with organised 'helping' is a good way to get across the gaping chasm between feeling isolated and trying to get to know new people. When you have a role, however basic, you have a place in the world and there are simple lines and boundaries which make initial relationships easier to manage.

4) It reminds me that I have something to contribute to the world and people around me - I am not a failure, nor am I totally useless - sometimes being part of a team (with no defined role) is enough - just being there for the elderly or vulnerable as company is enough to feel I am giving something.

5) Often rather than feeling emotionally spent I am nurtured emotionally by the people I am helping and the people I am helping with.

6) So often, we forget that our very presence in the world is valuable - hard not to think of 'It's a Wonderful Life' at this time of year - but it's so relevant our lives touch and impact on so many others - even if we have felt that we don't for a long time.

7) My first experience of contributing was not with people but with pets. I couldn't take the risk of rejection from people, but having a dog and getting out to make sure she was well exercised and happy actually helped me to look up and see other people around me as we walked. The dog walking community is a surprisingly open one and so many conversations when walking my dog, helped me to feel I had made some human contact. At some point I must have felt that I could cope with risking deeper human friendships, but I know it started with caring for my dog.

8) I feel good when I have done something for someone else - there is a reward emotionally from seeing someone appreciate the shopping you have brought them, or the fact that you have taken them for a coffee.

Barbra Streisand was right... People need People! And people like me, need people so we can heal.

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About Me

Have previously worked for ten years as a Probation Officer in the North West of England until took voluntary redundancy due to ill health in 2012. Have completed the intensive skills therapy in DBT in 2014. I was in Recovery until a Relapse in 2017 when I was referred to the Home Treatment Team and spent a week in the Acute Therapy Service (ATS) as an alternative to hospital admission.

I have written a series of Mental Well Being Workshops, called All of Me which I run in my local Church, Buckshaw Village Church and as part of a local well being group: All of Us in Buckshaw. Its main aim is to support people who recognise the importance of emotional and mental health. It is a basic practical approach providing a framework for anyone wanting to care for themselves and find support from others with similar experiences. I believe that finding hope and meaning can help people recover from mental illness and offer protection against self destructive behaviours. My hope is that as a group we can continue to grow an become active in combating Mental Health Stigma and provide a place of safety for people, whatever their struggles in life.

Even though I have been discharged from Mental Health Services, I still get overwhelmed by emotions and find I struggle to find 'wise mind' and not have complete meltdowns when I 'mess things up'. I continue my progress towards full recovery - developing and making the most of the core DBT skills of Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation and Interpersonal Effectiveness.

All of Us is a community group, Supported by NHS Community Restart, we have been able to work in partnership Buckshaw Village Church, and local groups and businesses to set up a well being group in September 2016.

From September 2017 we will be running an evening group, starting with the All of Me Workshops. We would like to continue to extend our support for different groups within our community so are offering some one to one contact linking in with Parent and Toddler groups on the Village. We are actively fundraising to keep the group going and to provide for a Community Development Worker Role. If you would like to find out more please contact me on: