The surgeon explains to her that a new technique is available. It's called the "knob", and it involves the installation of a tiny ratcheted knob at the back of the head, within the hairline. He tells her that over the years if she felt things were sagging, all she'd have to do is just give the knob a little twist, and her features would tighten up once again.

Years go by and all is well. The woman continues to twist the knob every so often until one day, she decides she needs to see the surgeon.

She makes an appointment and complains to the surgeon about the recent appearance of bags under her eyes.

The surgeon looks her over, and says "Madam, those aren't bags. Those are your breasts!"

"Oh", she said, thoughtfully. "Then ... that would explain the goatee."

So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed. It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows. The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!" etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find. The hours pass. The debris and passengers have started to sink. The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice. No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

There's a small-time undertaker who decided he needed to improve his business, so he took out an ad in the local paper, advertising that every deceased would be dressed in a tuxedo for the funeral. Being a small business owner, he only had a single tuxedo with which to dress the dearly departed, but this was no big deal--he simply removed the tuxedo from the dead body after each funeral and got it cleaned before the next service.

Business immediately picked up, and the undertaker suddenly found himself booked with three funerals back-to-back, with only 15 minutes in between to usher one group out and the next group in. Before the first service that day, the undertaker approached his assistant: "There's not much time between services, so you'll need to be quick to change the tuxedo from one corpse to the next." "No problem," replied the assistant.

As it turned out, the minister at the first service was a bit long-winded, and the final benediction concluded a mere five minutes before the next service was to begin. The undertaker worriedly glanced at the side door as his assistant rushed in and wheeled the coffin out. Not two minutes later, the assistant returned, the next body neatly dressed in the tuxedo. Astonished at the assistant's efficiency, the undertaker spent the next fifty seven minutes trying to figure out how the assistant managed such a feat.

I say fifty-seven minutes, because that's how long the second preacher droned on for. When the preacher finally finished, the undertaker hurriedly ushered out the second group of mourners while his assistant dashed in and wheeled the gurney away. The usher nervously explained to the (third) crowd that the service would be unavoidably delayed by a few minutes, when to his shock the assistant returned, dapper cadaver in tow, less than thirty seconds after leaving the room. Fearing some mistake, the undertaker double checked the body, but sure enough, it was the right one.

Throughout the service, the undertaker again sat puzzling away, trying in vain to discern how his assistant could possibly undress one corpse and dress another in thirty seconds. At the end of the service, the undertaker walked up to his assistant, handed him a $100 bill, and said "You just saved my reputation! That was amazing! How on earth did you do it?"

So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed. It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows. The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!" etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find. The hours pass. The debris and passengers have started to sink. The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice. No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

Sheila: I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.Tom: What are you serving instead?Sheila: Squash.

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”

“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That’s one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them!”

Back when myspace was still around it was a merger between myspace, facebook, youtube and twitter. Called Myfaceyoutwit.

The best variant of this has to be the one from the wonderful Shappi Khorsandi. To set the scene, she's an Anglo-Iranian comedian, very pretty and very innocent looking:

"My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!"

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. "That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend six hours trying to find it."

just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze them for later.

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We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with two kids.If you want to know more about me, or how we did that, or see lots of pictures, this Business Insider profile tells our story pretty well.We (occasionally) blog at AdventuringAlong.com.You can also read my forum "Journal."