North Americans spend millions, if not billions, of dollars
every year in pursuit of a satisfying, fulfilling intimate relationship.

Yet many fail repeatedly in their quest because they forget
the first most important step.

They do not determine their own "readiness for
love." Whether you are single at present and pursuing, or you are in a relationship
that is not as satisfying as you dream it could be, I have a time tested strategy that
will work to make you ready for the relationship fulfillment you long to create in your
life.

These lessons are based upon my own journey into intimacy.
They also reflect over 25 years of working in therapy with many brave souls. I have
truly enjoyed working with straight and gay couples who have trusted me with their
difficulties and shared in the joy of realizing a deeply enriched relationships.

My discovery of this strategy began with my work as a
therapist of couples whose relationships had endured an affair. I marveled at the success
many, although not most, had in recovering from the trauma of an affair. Literally, they
taught me what is required for truly intimate and loving relationships. I have made
available freely to those interested a web site that details the stages of recovery to the
trauma of an affair. In the past four years, over 200,000 people have passed through this
web site "After the Affair."
Their journey to recovery is chronicled at this site through a wealth of postings to the
discussion forums..

The lessons learned from those courageous souls who faced
the skepticism of family and friends and stayed together apply to all relationships.

Recovery is only the first step, however. To transform
one's relationship into one of bliss, or to create the opportunity to begin a relationship
that could be described as blissful, requires concerted effort and the strategies outlined
below.

Are You Ready For Love?

It is often said, that to begin any journey, one must take
the first step. No less is true of the romantic journey. Are you willing to take the first
step? These strategies require a deeply thought out and honest answer. Each of the four
strategies require a willingness on your part to proceed. If you are waiting for a
relationship, these strategies will simply not work. If you are willing to create a
relationship, then read on.

Are you willing to take responsibility for
yourself?

A seemingly simple question! Yet when faced with life
circumstances that are not up to our expectations, we quickly look to blame some one or
some thing. Especially in our intimate relationships, blame does not promote the
conditions required for problem solving and then resolution and deepened intimacy. Blame
always pushes our partner away. We are each responsible for our thoughts, feelings and
behaviour. Learning to bring this level of accountability to our relationship is a
required step for intimacy.

Are You willing to Keep Your agreements?

Relationships, especially the one with our intimate
partner, depend on "being able to count on my partner." However, we get into
very complicated, even impossible, agreements. Take "I'll love you forever." In
all honesty, such an agreement is beyond the capacity of anyone I know. I may do my best
to be loving all the time, especially to my partner. but I am sometimes quite
"unloving" in my behaviour. And certainly quite a bit of the time I think of
loving myself above all others. In fact, psychologists point out how essential it is to
love ourselves above all others to be emotionally healthy. So agreements need to be based
on observable behaviour and time limited. All the rest are intentions. Nothing wrong with
intentions, but one must be clear of the difference. If I don't "always" follow
through on my intentions, I haven't breached my agreement or integrity. The other
advantage of learning to base agreements on behaviour is that there will be increased
possibility that the two partners will agree on what actually happened. Many ongoing
disputes result from an unclear agreement that results in a dispute on whether the
agreement was broken.

Are You Willing to Be Known

So many relationships fall into a rut because one or both
partners stop using the relationship as the place to learn about who they are, to express
themselves, to grow. Yet why be in it if it isn't the safest place to experiment, to
journey? This strategy requires us to look first into our own level of self expression
before complaining that our partner has "gone away." Very often, in couple
counselling, when one partner begins to risk telling his or her truth again, the partner
responds with openness to the new opportunity for enriching their relationship. When a
person stops growing, they become very boring. when a relationship stops growing, it also
becomes a bore.

Are You Willing to Know Your Partner

There is a joke about marriage that suggests that
after we marry someone for "who they are", we can commence making them into who
we want them to be. Many first counselling sessions reveal how the very traits that
attracted people to each other are the source of the current conflict. These people are
upset because their partner didn't change into what they wanted. The nerve of them to
pursue their own path! Any relationship that aspires to deep intimacy must be able to
allow the separate journey of each partner. This balance of the known and the unknown is
the mystery of true intimacy.