Opinion: Thanks For All The Vengeance

The following is an opinion article written by Muhammad, son of Abdullah, Prophet of God and Apostle of Islam (Peace be upon him).

In the name of God the Beneficent, the Merciful,

I have a message to my brothers of the faith who shot up the French satirical newspaper in my name: Great job!

More than anyone else, you clearly understand the message revealed to me by God in the Holy Quran about the need for indiscriminate murder: the prayers, the fasting, the pilgrimage, the alms, and the slaughter. You guys nailed it!

It’s so refreshing in this day and age to know that people truly understand the message of Islam. For a while I was worried about the lack of explicit instructions in the Quran to murder anyone who draws me. If people could draw pictures of me, some ignorant Muslims might start fanatically worshipping me as divine, and nobody wants that.

However, I see now that in God’s infinite wisdom and judgment, explicit instructions were not necessary.

Nothing could be closer to the message I revealed, except of course burning down an embassy over a YouTube video making fun of me. It reminds me of when I received my revelation from the angel Gabriel, when he told me to put on my balaclava, slink into Mecca under cover of darkness, and deliver letters threatening Abu Sufyan‘s family.

What searing insight it must have taken to realize that beneath my message of surrendering pride, submitting to the will of God, and supporting society’s poorest, there was a more fundamental message about the value of indiscriminate killing. This is clearly what I had in mind when I smashed the pagan idols of the Qurayshi merchants in Mecca and I’m glad someone finally understood.

I’m only telling you this because I know you need encouragement.

There were certainly times I questioned my own faith, even on the brink of my great triumphs, for instance when I was meditating on Mount Hira, staring into my heart of hearts to try to see God, which I totally believe is something any one of you would do even though it didn’t involve running through a building pumping round after round into unarmed office workers.

You guys are definitely mujahideen of the highest caliber, no pun intended. Truly, God must have also spoken to you, to so dramatically transform a pizza delivery guy and failed rap musician into stone cold warriors for Islam. All it took was a rifle and a mask. It’s a good thing those western militaries are far from Syria, because there’s no question in my mind that each one of you is the equal of Khalid ibn al-Walid and Ṣalāḥ ad-Dīn, the latter of whom you would have killed for being a Kurd.

I mean, if you guys had been at the Battle of Badr, I don’t think there’s any chance you would have looked at the numbers and renounced God over your shoulder while fleeing the opposite direction.

I’m also pleased that you perceived the statement I was trying to make about the value of slavery when I had Bilal make the call to prayer. Honestly, we were worried that it might be a bit high concept and misleading, but you seem to have grasped that some Muslims are more equal than others.

You know, kind of like when you hear the voice of God telling you it’s OK to rape a little girl or a married woman, plunder a working man’s livelihood, or behead someone offering alms to the poor, as long as it’s for the greater good of the ummah.

When God revealed to me, “say to the disbelievers ‘To you, your beliefs, to me, mine'” I kinda knew he only meant disbelievers not drawing pictures of me. He also said not to transgress limits, “for God loves not transgressors.” But you guys never go over the top. Speaking of which, how goes the plan to detonate a nuclear weapon in downtown Manhattan or unleash a plague of anthrax in London?

I’ve got to admit, I was a bit worried when early Muslims used my simple message of a community guided by divine revelation to overrun and integrate the empires of both Persia and Byzantium. I mean, what were they trying to do, land on the moon a century early? Fortunately, you came along and set things back on track, and that track runs straight backwards, just like I so obviously intended.

You know, back when I was converting the entire Arabian Peninsula to Islam, Umar asked me if there was a possibility that maybe some of the Arab tribes had just converted to Islam without really understanding what Islam was, perhaps because we seemed unbeatable and they just wanted to be on the winning side.

Dark Laughter is part of the problem, and you can be too. Just type "IKIS" (i.e., I Know It's Satire) at the beginning of your comment on the story, and follow it with a comment that suggests it's not satire at all.