This post is part of what I’ve written in a cafeteria when I was too alone and lonely in 2007…

Is my loneliness my “friend”? Why it doesn’t want to let go of me? Would it be alone then? Does loneliness need someone in order it wouldn’t be alone? Would loneliness die, if I wouldn’t be alone? Is loneliness my only friend who wants, that our “friendship” doesn’t cease to be?

Is loneliness like evil spirit that tries to encapsulate an individual inside itself? Furthermore, is it so, that loneliness can’t take being alone itself; and because of that, it forces someone to be its “friend” and therefore lonely people does exist? Is loneliness afraid of loneliness itself? If so, does it try to put its own fears to its victim?

If the victim is not afraid of loneliness, will loneliness die as useless? Does loneliness need the fear of loneliness? What if that fear becomes useless?

Is being lonely substantially different thing that being afraid that one is lonely? Yes.

Does loneliness try to scare people? From what does loneliness find its purpose to live? From the loneliness of other people? What can take away the purpose of loneliness? Is it enough that one is not afraid of loneliness? Will loneliness begin to be afraid of loneliness itself then?

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Will the heart of the loneliness be broken, if no-one doesn’t want to be alone and lonely? Is loneliness thenitself alone and lonely? Is loneliness then afraid of itself? If so, loneliness can’t eventually exist; is that like lonelinesshad found itself?

If so, it is afraid that it will be left alone for good and that it is deserted, even though hardly no-one ever wanted or liked it.

Its own fear teaches to it then, that it is evil. Friendship will burn it into non-existent.

When I first posted to this blog my first short thoughts about the meaning of the life, I had completely forgotten, that in 1994 I had first read Viktor E. Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning, original name Ein Psycholge erlebt das Konzentrationslager (some kind of direct translation into English could be ”A Psychologist experiences a concentration camp”. The Finnish translation to the book is Ihmisyyden rajalla. Direct translation to this in English is On the border of humanity.

Why this book is so important to me is, that my so called high school (lukio) years were pure hell to me… My math teacher was sure that I would fail the 6 hours examination on math and I can’t blame him: Because of the circumstances while I was at high school, I didn’t at first pass some of the math courses. At lukio in Finland the grades are from 4 to 10 in all the courses. I got some 4s in math and had to try again to get at least 5 to pass the course. It was a miracle that the average of my math grades eventually was even 6 that is really weak grade.

From the final 6 hours exam that is the same (though in math there is more advanced line compared to the other to choose from) for every high school students in Finland, I got eventually cum laude approbatur as grade. At the time the grades for this exam were improbatur (failed), approbatur, lubenter approbatur, cum laude approbatur, magna cumlaude approbatur and laudatur. Nowadays there is eximia magna cum laude approbatur between magna and laudatur.

But I didn’t do the final exam that consists of many days of 6 hours exams with the other students. With my school’s principal I had agreed that I will do the whole exam apart from the other students. This was how in my high school years I did eventually also all the courses after the first year.

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After I had read many Viktor E. Frankl’s books, it was after two years when I took the one chance to try to raise my math grades: I got 9 for the 11 math courses, laudatur for the final exam. I was on the ”advanced mathematics” courses at high school. Though compared to university math those high school courses are child play.

I compared often my high school years to Frankl’s experiences. Of course his experiences were whole lot more extreme: He couldn’t be sure if he sees the next morning – or hour… Though, later on my life seeing the next morning hasn’t been very certain…

To emphasize Frankl’s books importance, they made me understand how to live. One point is: No matter how terrible the circumstances in one’s life are, one should strive to see some meaning to live and get even further in life. The worst case that Frankl describes for a human is, that one has only one’s existence. This is where one should try to find meaning to one’s existence, after that one can begin to find meanings to one’s life.

I really should get back to the ideas of meaning of life. As Frankl’s says, he understood, that the highest goal in one’s life is love. But as to meaning of life, Frankl has written that life (some other person) should ask that from oneself; it’s hard to really find the meaning of life by oneself. Even if one can as a word or some kind of concept see love as the primary meaning of life, depending on the circumstances it may be hard to find the right path directly.

One thing that I’ve said to myself sometimes is: Life must be experienced, it’s not be watched on the TV. Only by living, one can learn how to live and get real experiences from which to learn.

My music history is a bit strange; it’s very non-existent in my early years. As to listening to music, I haven’t had any ”official” equipment to listen to music until I was about 17-18 years old. What I then had, was only a portable C-cassette player with head phones.

My first C-cassette was Synthesizer Greatest vol. 5. This is was when I fell into Vangelis’ music. Especially Alpha on the cassette was amazing!

But I did listen to music before the Walkman, the portable cassette player. It all started when I got my first home computer in 1984, Commodore Vic 20. If my memory serves me right, I wrote sometime in 1984-1985 a program listing called Musikantti from a Finnish computer magazine, Mikrobitti for the Vic 20. With this program I could use the keyboard of Vic 20 to try to play something that might remind from music. 🙂 Though, I think hadn’t equipment to save the program (I’m not sure) in those days with my Vic 20; eventually, when I turned off the computer, the program was lost…

Later, when I was 12 years old I finally got a Commodore 64. C64’s demo and game musics probably gave me my most important influences as it comes to music. As to making music of my own, I didn’t have any program to make music. With C64’s basic I wrote a clumsy program that played short part of Ukko Nooa. This is children’s song, that is often used to start learning playing piano. According to Wikipedia, the Swedish name for the tune is Gubben Noak. I’m not familiar with any English name of it, though some kind of direct translation could be The Old Man Noah.

Finally, I think the year was 1988, I got SoundTracker 2.5 for my Amiga 500. This was the first version of SoundTracker that worked with Amigas with Kickstart 1.3 as ROM operating system. At the age of 14 I began learning making, composing music of my own with Amiga 500 without any education of composing music. Still, in nowadays I can’t play any ”real” instrument.

In my whole life I have took three (3) piano lessons sometime in 1994, but I thought it was too difficult and expensive…

Some people were sure that I’m insane, when I told that I have composed piano music with computer without ability to play the piano.

Well, they’re probably right; you can check my YouTube channel for some piano music I have composed. For example Sad, Forgotten Math, “Warm” (working title to an unfinished tune) include some piano music I have composed with PC. Heijastus (reflection in English) is a short Amiga tune, where I had put some piano patterns, that were playing in my head probably at least for a month, before I finally put together quickly some kind of piano tune at the age of 17.

Here’s a collection of poems, I’ve written to my girlfriend, the Morning Sun (as I call her):

As the Morning Sun walks in the Heart of the Nature, the Nature awakens and begins to evolve.

As the Morning Sun touches the music, the music becomes aware of the light. …and the light shines as the brightest Morning Sun.

Dawn. That’s the Home of the Morning Sun; and how bright that is!

As the Morning Sun rises, whole nature sees the light; and as the sun sets, the moon reflects the light of the sun; this is when the Morning Sun dreams; and Her dreams touch everyone. …and at the Dawn the whole universe is aware of the Magical Light of the Morning Sun!

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When the new Dawn of the Man begins, the World beyond the known is touched and filled with with love!

We can hear the harmony in the music; and we can see the harmony in the light of the Morning Sun; this heals the world!

The realm of light is where the Morning Sun gets her power; she travels through darkness, but the darkness rans aways from her power!

There will be always light, because the Morning Sun showed the way; the future is bright with the touch of the Morning Sun!

The Spirit of Light is derived from the Power of Love!

…so the children of the Light are children of Love; the Morning Sun is Divine!

Morning Sun is the healer of the night; and everyone sees the light!

Morning Sun is the Miracle of Love!

The Poetry of Love is harmony of the light.

I want to be as bright as the Morning Sun!

Honor the light and you will see; don’t hide from the Morning Sun, but wake with thought of Love.

With Morning Sun I can rise as one.

Morning Sun is the start of the day; it’s the start of everything.

Light and dark. The light as stronger is the way, the way of the Morning Sun; let there be many new beginnings in the Mornings – at the Home of the Morning Sun.

The ideas, where do they come from? From the harmony with the Morning Sun as She lights the day and enlightens the soul and night is only a dream, but with shine of sun as moon light reflects the coming rise of the sun, the Morning Sun!

The Dawn, the heart of the Morning Sun is as bright as only love can be; the Morning Sun is really divine!

The Morning Sun is the Queen of the Nature, I’m just the one who has been privileged to see the light. …this light is love.

But if I touch the Light of the Morning Sun, will I be immortal?

The poems above are from the year 2015, below you can see a video of us at summer of 2017 — at least a glimpse of us, if you watch carefully! 🙂