In the war against addiction, many people in many cities all over the world have fought the fight. Back in the day one such person would be called a 'lush'. I am Lushgurl, and these are my stories (insert "Law and Order" theme here)...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

MY LIVING EULOGY

Today I am so grateful that no one is having to decide what to put on my tomb stone. A few times when I attempted suicide, the thought would cross my mind that I didn't think anyone would BE at my funeral. This thought depressed me even more. I just didn't want to die without "making a difference" some how, but I did want to die! I also wondered what would be said in my eulogy. Would anyone have a kind word to say about me or only diplomatic in saying "too bad...so sad..."

Today I am doing the best I can to live in such a way that if I were to die, I would be truly missed, but also people could remember that I was a loving and decent person. I want to be remembered for the kindness I showed to others, starting with me. I don't want people to be relieved that I am at peace , but rather to be at peace themselves. If in my journey I have been able to make a positive impact in the life of one person anywhere, then I think I can go to God in love.

On a positive note, if this were to be my tomb stone, at least I didn't die alone LOL- that had always been my "deepest fear".. so maybe there is hope for me yet!!! And as for the guys at the legion? They probably don't remember me!

In today's Daily Reflections, it talks about accepting our humanness. I shall take this to mean that I may just be here for another (sober) day!

We finally saw that the inventory should be our's, not another person's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.

As Bill Sees It pg. 22

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept that responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people diod to me. Once I came into AA I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was- humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them- and myself- and those with whom I'd had the differences; from there , recovery is just a short distance ahead.

As one final thought for today, I saw this in a fortune cookie once- a message from my Higher Power perhaps?...

Live today that you not be afraid to leave the family parrot to the neighborhood gossip!... I wish you all peace, love and sobriety today!

ARRRGGGHHHH...I have put paragraphs in this post about a thousand times now, they are not saving or publishing for me---- HEEELLLLPPP!

17 comments:

If that was your eulogy I just want you to know that you did touch my life. I will remeber Lushgurl and how you changed my life by your sharing your story, but by the grace of God you are still here sharing your story with us. So One more thing that I'm grateful for Today, LUSHGURL.

It hurts that at one time you were so saddened with hopelessless that you were in a situation of ending it all. If anything I am grateful that you did not succeed in doing this and were able to be free from the darkness.

I know those experiences are yours, and they are to help save others that will venture into such darkness.

I always liked the lyrics from Contrary to Ordinary, sung by Jerry Jeff Walker:

And when I die don't put no tombstone on my graveJust have my friends throw a great big partyToss my ashes out across the wavesDon't bring no preacher man downJust to tighten up my pastJust tell 'em how I like to liveI like to sing, dance and laugh.

i want an AA funeral where everyone gets up and talks about me, me, me. :)I'm glad you are here to share your insights....I can't always see things from all perspectives...I need others to show me. thanks

Funny you posted this today. I went to visit my grandpa's grave today with the two youngest gremlins. I 'introduced' Jackson and my grandpa. I had Declan ask why he lives in a graveyard instead of in a house. LOL Kids are so cute! But your feelings are so right on. I really want to leave a positive mark on the world before my time is up. I think you can only leave positive or negative - never a neutral - so why not be the best person you can be?

I used to have visions of my funeral when I was drinking and only Mr Sharma from the local Off Licence was there obviously saddened by the loss of revenue.I used to pop in for a can before I caught the bus to work and drink it in the woods, so often he was just putting out his papers and I would come in pay for it then slip it in my pocket so no one else saw.That would just about keep me going till dinner.With regards to the Sone Princess and meeting her next week well I am getting nervous already, I really dont know if my Higher Power wants me to go through with it but I really want someone to share my life with?

I want you to know you have touched my life by your stories, & your kind comments on my blog, I feel close to you. I have tried the suicide thing too, I guess God intends us to live, not miserably but happily, with purpose. Yesterday I cried over what was done to me, today I cry over what I've done to others. That is a 180 degree turn for me, & because of that turn I am lighter, oh it is painful, but the anger isn't there. I have to get thru the remorse today, then I will be even lighter.I have the same pic of the kitty. Something to work towards, hu? Thanks again for your kindness,& hugs. I would miss you if you were gone!

So its my third easter in recovery, it is truly a miracle is the AA I was so sure it would not work for me.Anyway hope you have a great Easter yourself, you look very pretty if thats your picture on your blog

Hey new song. As an alocoholic I'm not one who likes change. But I will not take your inventory of your program this morning. This morning is starting out bad, going to go lie down and start all over, maybe around noon.lol

I can start my day over with at any given time. So I choose to do that now.

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