The Medical Side Effects of Every Team Allegiance

For more than a month, the present author has waged an on-again, off-again with a very persistent ear infection — a condition itself which appears to have developed owing largely to the dimensions of the author’s left Eustachian tube, which is roughly the size of an infant child’s. That’s the medical explanation distilled to its essence, at least.

A week of antibiotics did little to address the problem, initially. A second week — in this case, of steroids administered both orally and by way of the ear canal — helped some. The most recent treatment, however — of a second, more efficient antibiotic (according to the doctor) — has produced tangible results so far as the health of the ear in question is concerend. What else it’s done is to cause within the author’s body a condition that isn’t but ought to be known as Gastrointestinal Melee 5000.

Indeed, a brief inspection of the fact sheet for the drug in question reveals that users of same frequently observe selles molles. An exercise in euphemism, is how one ought to regard this.

At the very least, this (admittedly minor) ordeal has created a flimsy pretense upon which it is now possible to produce Internet Weblog Content. It has occurred to the author that it might be amusing to attribute to each major-league club the most common “side effect,” as it were, of cheering for same.

Attributed the most common side effect of each drug (per WebMD) to the “matched” team.

Utilized the HTML code for an “ordered list” to create this ordered list.

So, for example: the Cardinals finished the 2013 season with the top record in baseball (tied with Boston, at least). Nexium, designed to treat acid reflux, is the top-selling prescription medication on the market. The most common side effect of Nexium, according to WebMD’s database, is headache. Hence, by this infallible methodology, the most common side effect of being a Cardinals fan is headache.

In the event that the most common side effect of a particular drug had already been accounted for, then the second-most common one was used, and so on — such that all 30 teams might have their own unique and weird and occasionally appropriate side effects.

Here’s the finished list, in the form of an awkwardly proportioned table:

Team

Most Common Side Effect

Angels

Pancreatitis

Astros

Gas

Athletics

Throat irritation

Blue Jays

Kidney disease

Braves

Muscle pain

Brewers

Chest pain

Cardinals

Head pain

Cubs

Dizziness

D-backs

Drowsiness

Dodgers

Itching

Giants

Swelling

Indians

Abnormally low blood pressure

Mariners

Indigestion

Marlins

Incomplete bowel movements

Mets

Low blood sugar

Nationals

Infection of the whole body

Orioles

Acute infection of the nose

Padres

Ovarian failure

Phillies

Blurred vision

Pirates

Dry mouth

Rangers

Joint pain

Rays

Widening of blood vessels

Red Sox

Feeling of restlessness with inability to sit still

Reds

Abnormal liver function

Rockies

Visible water retention

Royals

Hemorrhage

Tigers

Redness

Twins

Fluid retention in the legs, feet, arms or hands

White Sox

Fluid in the heart

Yankees

Depression

And here are some notes — delivered in the form of an unordered list, this time:

What one observes mostly in the construction of such a list as the one above is that all medications are frightening and designed to kill us.

It’s probably not surprising that a Padre would suffer ovarian failure — in the sense, that is, that he has likely failed to possess ovaries from the beginning.

Otherwise, much of this list appears dominated by capital-C Chance.

“Chance is the side effect of the drug called Life,” Jean-Paul Sartre probably said or wrote once.

The actual side effect of supporting any of the teams here is probably increased psychological well-being, according to a recent study.