So you're finally ready to
start the commitment of a lifetime. You're ready to begin saving for
college and you're ready to start buying hundreds of dollars worth of
diapers each week for someone other than grandma. You're finally ready
to end your hedonistic lifestyle and
stop
pissing
off
the Catholic Church for wearing a condom whenever you do the nasty...
You're now ready to make a baby.

Things
to do...

Step
1)First
things first.
If you're a guy, you must find a girl. Girls, you must find a guy, or a sperm
bank. If you choose the smart route and go to the bank, they'll help you
the rest of the way and you can stop reading.

Now,
when choosing a mate (i.e. the opposite sex person that you want to make
a baby with), go for looks. This is why it is very important not to get
drunk before mate searching. Beer goggles drastically reduce a person's
ability to find an attractive opposite sexer. If you want a cute baby,
you most certainly do not want somebody with a unibrow, an ass large
enough for Jesus to ride into Jerusalem on, or a back that needs to be
mowed. Look for skinny people with matching eyes and teeth. The teeth
don't need to be straight, they just need to be there.

And
remember, you do not want an attractive person as your mate who is only attractive
due to plastic surgery. Plastic surgery does not carry over into the
genes of a baby. So, guys, when approaching a potential mate,
always ask about her breasts and if they are natural, and if necessary,
try to cop a feel to make 100% certain. Ladies, always feel a guy's crotch
for stitches or scars from penis-enlargement surgery before letting him
buy you a drink. If you want your babies to have big penises you better
find
a
man with
a
naturally
large one himself.

Step
2)Okay, so you've found your
mate.
Now's when things get sticky... Both figuratively and literally. First you
must take your mate back to your quiet place and try to convince them that
they want to make a baby too. Ladies, this is really no problem for you if
you
don't
mind
raising
the forthcoming
baby all
by yourself. Just poke a hole in the condom that you want your mate to wear...
I may be getting ahead of myself here though.

Guys,
if talk about a baby is driving your mate away, go get some alcohol.
Now that you've
already gotten your attractive mate you can afford to get a little plastered
in order to ensure that she is blitzed too. After 6 to 25 drinks, she
should be ready to make a baby with you. Careful though,
cause if your lady friend was really just stupid and really did only
want to go back to your place to "check out your Precious Moments
collection",
then you may have to abort. Not abort the baby, silly. Abort the mission.
There is no baby yet. If she starts to scream "Pervert" or
anything worse you must be ready to zip up and apologize very fast. Practice
in
the
bathroom
before approaching
your mate.

After getting your
mate to sign a few pieces of paper that you got your lawyer to write
up for you before hand, proceed to the next step.

Step
3)Whisper sweet nothings into
your mate's ear.
Try to be kinky, but not so disgusting that a slap or a kick to the crotch
is forthcoming. Remember, guys, the crotch is where the baby batter is stored.
Take extra special care to protect that general area. Maybe wear a cup right
up until step 5. Ladies, you won't have to worry about this because no man
in his right mind would
attack
a
lady
who
says
she wants
to "ride
him like Seabiscuit all the way to the fucking races"... Unless you're
fat. Then prepare for a horrible rejection.

After whispering the
nothings, start to nibble on your mate's earlobe. Then lick your mate's
neck and proceed to sticking your tongue down his/her throat. If your
advances are not met with your tongue being bitten off, huzzah! You've
made it
to step 4!

Step 4)Start removing your mate's
clothing. Once
again, be very careful in case signs were misread. Guys, if your mate
starts to scream, run. Girls, if your mate starts to scream, he's gay
and you now have permission to kick him in the balls for leading you
on.

Start by taking off
your mate's shirt. Do it slowly and sexily. Use your teeth if you can.
Be careful not to bite off and swallow any buttons though. You cannot
make a baby if you die before step 6.

After the shirt, remove
your mate's pants, then undergarments. During this step, if you come
across any disturbing body part or parts that you would not wish to pass
on to your baby, you still have time to stop. Guys, your flag should
only be at half mast now, so you still have time to run to the
bathroom and remove from yourself any pent up anticipation/aggression.
When you return to your disfigured ex-potential-mate, tell her that you
remembered that you are A) Gay, B) A gay priest, C) A gay married
man, or D) Her long lost brother who is gay.
Ladies, you may have a tougher time. If you have already stripped your
mate before you found his tail or 11th toe, you may have to bite the
bullet and "pretend to have a baby" with him. There may not
be a way to unplug his battery at this point. If this is the case, I
advise you
to heavily caulk the inside of your vagina and triple baggie your mate's
penis in condoms.

Step 5)Okay. All clothing should
be on the floor. If
you're really conscientious about your feet or ingrown toenails, you
may leave your socks on. Your feet are not that important to making
a baby.

Once
you are both naked, approach your mate. Start groping and licking your
mate all over
his/her body. You should start to feel sensations in your own body by
this point. If not, guys, look between your legs. If you are missing
either a penis or a pair of testicles you have either been neutered or
you are a woman. Unfortunately you will not be able to proceed to any
further steps in making a baby in the traditional way. Go to the sperm
bank or to that shady guy on the corner of 5th and Main and offer him
a buck fifty to plant his seed in you. If you really are a guy, but after
some heavy petting with your female mate you still do not feel any tingling
sensations in your nether regions... Well, then you are gay. If you still
really want to make a baby, just start thinking heavy thoughts about
Leo DiCaprio or RuPaul. Then proceed to step 6.

Step 6)Now it is time for the mattress
mambo. The
nasty dance. The slip and slide ride. The slurpin' and burpin'... You
get the drift. Fellas, your penis should be pretty hard by now. Now's
the time to stick the baguette in the bread drawer.

Carry your mate
to the bed/sofa/kitchen sink, and prop her up in such a way that
her womanly flower (aka the poon) is spread open and ready to accept
your
gift of baby-dough. Plunge your manly purple-headed warrior deep
into your mate's welcoming life-door! Repeat 5 to 2,786 times... However
long it may take for you to drop off your occupying force deep into
enemy territory. Then you may leave the command carrier docked at
the
port while you take a nice rewarding nap, or you may pretend that
your phone rang and that your boss "needs those files right away," and
run.

Ladies, step
6 for
you is to spread your legs to your ears and shut the fuck up. Give a
low moan every 3rd to 4th pelvic thrust, and enjoy the ride.

Step 7)After the seed has met and
seduced the female egg cell, you
are now officially a mommy or a daddy! Yay! If your mate was not in
on the whole babymaking thing, he or she may be a bit surprised in
a few days when the news is broken to them. But screw them, you got
what you wanted! Congratulations! You made yourself a baby!

(Bonus
Hints)Here
are just a few more hints on how to make a baby should some problems arise.
Good luck, and goooooood parenting! And don't take any sass from your spawn
when it learns to talk!!!

Problem: Nobody wants to make a baby with you.

Solution:
Ladies, if you are having trouble finding a mate, well, you must be one
fucking ugly broad. I seriously don't know any guy who'd pass on
a little bedroom *bamf* unless he thought Quasimodo
was the one hitting on him. Ladies, if this is your problem, get
the roofies ready. A guy can get aroused even when fully tanked
and drugged.
Guys, if you're the one with the mate-finding problems, shave your
legs, put on a dress, and hit a lesbian bar. Hook up with the least
skanky ho there and then when you get her back to your place inform
her that your penis is really just a lifelike strap-on. Trust me,
in nine months she'll be happy that you converted her!

Problem: The baby is eating you from the inside.

Solution:
Ladies, this one mainly pertains to you. If your baby is eating
you from the uterus outwards, then you
must have had sex with either a vampire, a werewolf, or a flesh-hungry
zombie. That's your fault for being so loose and not taking precautions
against monsters. This is the Lord's way of punishing you for
multiplying the armies
of the undead evil in the world. For shame!!

Problem: You try and try and try, but no baby.

Solution:
Guys, check to make sure that your penis is in the woman's
vagina. There are many places down there
that you might mistake your target for (even more if you
had to settle for a fat girl). Readjust your aim, then try
again. If you still can't make a baby, check your female
mate for an adam's apple. If you find one, ask how extensive
his/her operation truly was before you give up all hope.
Ladies, if you cannot make a baby no matter how many times
your mate seeds your fields, you are barren and will never
know the love of a child. Sorry.

Problem: Your crotch itches after making the baby.

Solution:
Sorry guys and gals, but that's a "How to get rid of STDs" for another day.