the truth

As I was falling asleep last night, I was smacked in the face with a realization—I’m a pathological weight loss liar.

One of the things I claim as a qualification for writing this blog and doing my freelance gigs is that I lost 50 pounds. Somehow that number is big enough for me to feel confident in my method and big enough for people to feel like they can trust me. 50 pounds is a lot of weight and it took a lot of work to get it off. And along the journey of losing that weight, I learned a lot about myself and who I am and who I want to be. I figured it out, didn’t I? Awesome for me!

If I could take off that weight and have those kinds of emotional breakthroughs, I must be qualified to write about this stuff. I must be doing something right. I’m totes legit.

I so identify with the fact that I lost 50 pounds, that it pops up almost every time I write something. It’s part of my persona as a health and wellness writer. And even beyond that, part of my life offline, too. I define myself by the fact that I tackled that 50 pounds. Sure, I know I’ve gained some weight, but I still lost 50 pounds before! It’s like I’m some washed up middle-aged guy who keeps retelling the stories from his high school football glory days. I must be something, because I lost 50 pounds that one time! Please ignore the fact that my pants don’t fit. I promise they used to! 50 POUNDS.

I’ve never previously understood how people put weight back on after they lose it. I always thought that there was no way I’d slip back into my bad habits after putting in so much work to see the scale go down. I always thought that re-gaining weight must be a sudden and terrible fall from grace. Like a switch is flipped and overnight, you go from running marathons and slamming kale smoothies to laying on a bed of hot dogs and ho-hos and being lifted out of your house by a crane.

But now, what I realize is, it’s not sudden at all. It’s so incredibly gradual that it’s almost undetectable. Until one day, you are falling asleep and you realize you haven’t lost 50 pounds. You may have lost 50 pounds a few years ago, but now, your new identity is that none of your pants fit and you’ve gained 20 pounds.

That’s right. I’ve gained 20 pounds. Not 3 or 4 maintenance pounds. Not 10 vacation pounds. 20. Which means I’m only 30 pounds away from my highest weight ever. If I’m really being honest with myself, I was only 50 pounds down for about a week before the gaining started. And yet I latched onto that number so solidly that it’s stuck with me for years. And even beyond that, I had a lot more weight to lose than just 50 pounds. My original weight loss goal was 100 pounds. Super crazy honesty? Taking my 20 pound gain into account, I’m only 30% done with my goal and I’ve been selling myself as this awesome rockstar weight loss fitness healthy life expert.

The epitome of truth in advertising, I am not.

There are a lot of excuses for the gain. I trained for a half marathon and did a terrible job with my nutrition during it—add five pounds. I busted both my ankles and stopped working out—add five pounds. I stopped tracking my food intake and found a love for cooking good food—add five pounds. I just got lazy—add five pounds. But all those excuses are meaningless, because the true problem is that I’ve been identifying so strongly with something that isn’t true. I’ve painted myself into this beautiful, but totally inaccurate portrait. I can have this extra dessert and skip my workout, you know why? Because I lost 50 pounds. I lost 50 pounds! That must mean that I poop rainbows and metabolize calories at warp speed!

But it doesn’t. What a silly girl I’ve been.

The biggest lie of all? I’ve been telling myself I’m fine with it. Fine with gaining. Fine with my “healthy” lifestyle. Fine with feeling the way I feel. The truth is, I’m not. And I don’t think I really realized it until this past week.

Why this past week? Well…Babyface and I had a moment. A moment where we thought I might be pregnant. There were a lot of mixed emotions about it. A pregnancy now would be unplanned, but not unexpected or unwanted. When I started thinking about my life as a Mom, everything seemed to fall in place. We have a happy, strong marriage. We are financially sound. We are emotionally and spiritually ready to have kids. So why did the thought of being pregnant send me into a near panic attack?

It took me a few days and a few negative pregnancy tests to figure it out—it’s because I don’t feel like I am physically ready. Everything had fallen into place to start a family except for me. I hadn’t put in the work to have the kind of healthy pregnancy I would want and to be the kind of Mom I’d want to be. At one point, I actually sent an email to Babyface telling him I couldn’t do this because I was going to “ruin” our kids with this body. Of course, that’s totally dramatic, and there are plenty of women of all different shapes, sizes and fitness levels who have perfectly healthy pregnancies and are amazing mothers (and vice versa). But the fact is, I didn’t feel comfortable. And that lack of comfort brought to light the lies I’ve been telling myself for the past year. There is no hiding behind old claims-to-fame when you are staring down the barrel of bringing a human into this world. There is no hiding behind anything, actually.

Obviously, since I’m writing this, I’m not with child and, honestly, I am completely relieved. Because I can now solidly bring the focus back to me and becoming the person I want to be. That starts with being honest with myself. Because the lying, the deception, the rose-colored glasses—it all has to stop. Deceiving myself is not doing me (or my future family) any favors. And living in a past world where I lost 50 pounds isn’t making me any stronger or healthier.

So here is the truth: sometimes life gets in the way and you have to hit the reset button. This isn’t the first time and it certainly will not be the last. Yes, I lost 50 pounds. Yes, I gained 20 of that back. And yes, I’ve been lying to myself about it for way over a year. But, I’m forgiving myself for it all. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I’m going to do next. And next, I’m going to get the strong, fit, healthy body I always wanted. I have a lot of weight to lose and I’m going to do it. And then, maybe then, we’ll talk about making a little Johnston. Maybe.

Have you ever had a “a ha!” moment when it comes to health, weight loss or fitness?

44 Comments

I love your honesty and your willingness to share it on the blog! There is nothing better that we can do than to be honest with ourselves, and it seems like you are on the right track to your goals already!

When I was trying to lose weight, I tried for such a long time… but the scale would NOT budge. I was so discouraged, but as it turns out, I was actually on a medication at the time that was making me gain weight. After I switched to something else, the weight came off quickly, and I have since lost about 20lbs (that was about a year ago).

I think weight maintenance is the hardest part. I lost 25 lbs last year by counting calories and exercising. Not that I’m at my goal weight I want nothing more than to STOP counting, but I honestly don’t trust myself to do it. I love food so much I’m scared I will slowly sneak more and more into my diet and get those pounds back. Thanks for your honesty-I love your blog.

My ” a ha!” moment came in high school (though it still took me awhile to get my butt in gear after that). It was when I first started exercising and trying to lose weight. I was so obnoxious about it! I talked obsessively about what I had done at the gym, how many calories I’d eaten the meal before, and how we could make our family meals lighter for everyone (even though I was the only one over weight). My mom finally looked at me and said “no one really cares, Laurel.”

It sounds harsh, and maybe it was, but it really stuck with me. I realized that she is right. No one cared how many minutes I bopped around on the elliptical or how many cookies I didn’t eat. What mattered to family, friends, and doctors was whether I was healthy; what the results were. Of course, I’m free to talk about health and fitness and those things that are important to me with my loved ones, but filling my insecurities with incessant talk didn’t change my situation. I just had to buckle down and do it.

I’ve taken that with me into other aspects of my life too. My professors didn’t care whether I’d pulled an all nighter; they cared about the quality of my work.

Anyway, as usual, I’m in love with your honesty and perspective. You can do whatever you set your mind to and we’re all here to help. Good luck!

Oh wow, I recently lost a lot of weight and I’ve been talking about it to everyone and anyone… I can totally relate to your post! I guess I’ve been pretty obnoxious too – rubbing into everyone’s faces how ‘healthy’ my new lifestyle is. I guess it’s my way of showing how scared I am to gain it all back. I feel the need to broadcast all the newly-formed healthy habits to make myself publicly accountable. While that’s okay to a certain degree, in the end the buck stops with me and I should be responsible for my actions.

You’re welcome! I think there is definitely an important place for being proud of yourself and for sharing your experiences with those around you (I mean, I read healthy-living blogs like it’s my job after all). But you’re right, when we talk about it too much, it probably comes from a sense of insecurity in our new lifestyle. Just remember, it’s YOU you have to convince!

I’m sorry, but those illustrations cracked me up. It was a serious post, but I kept snickering at your facial expressions in the pictures!

My issue (and goodness knows, we all have them!) is that my “a ha!” moment was, “Courtney, you have an exercise addiction.” And yeah, I know that just admitting you have a problem is one of the very first steps to getting better, but I’ve done virtually nothing about getting better. Why? Because my thought is this: If I stop working out so much, I’ll probably gain some weight back. And that CANNOT happen.

So I’ve been lying to myself for awhile saying, “No, I’m not that bad. I don’t have a ‘problem'”, but I do. And I need to take the steps necessary to get better before I really do some damage to myself.

They were supposed to lighten it up a bit. Too much heavy for a Friday!

And this may or may not be helpful, but do you read Amazing Asset? She is recovering from an eating disorder and recently realized that she replaced her addiction to controlling food with an exercise addiction and is trying to find balance. She’s also just an excellent writer and very honest, which I find totally refreshing.

I can relate to this a lot. I lost 30 lbs (and needed to lose much more) but I became that person, well I lost 30 lbs and hid behind that as it all came back on. I know they say it’s harder to lose weight that you regain and so far it’s true. This time around seems a lot harder to shed pounds. But I’m not giving up. There’s no finish in line in life!

I really appreciate your honesty – I can relate to your situation. About 10 years ago I was at my highest weight ever – and I was able to lose 50 lbs by following a really strict diet/exercise program that was prescribed by a doctor/nutritionist. But ever so slowly, the weight crept back on, until I’d gained 25 lbs back. I felt like I’d failed myself – so frustrated. I had to completely change my lifestyle, mindset – everything – in order to lose those 25 lbs again. Eventually I did lose the weight, and it was the ultimate in achievements. I really really admire your honesty and drive and how hard you work to reach your goals – it’s so hard to get in the right spot mentally where you can really commit to change, and it sounds like you’re there! Best of luck to you – and thank you again for sharing this with us.

As someone who sees you around the office pretty regularly, I honestly hadn’t noticed the weight gain. You still look very healthy to me, for what it’s worth.

Now, as someone who has two kids, I want you to know that you’ll never truly feel ready or good enough to be someone’s mother. It’s a huge and humbling task–but if you wait until everything’s perfect, it will never happen, know what I mean?

This is probably one of my favorite posts you have ever written (though probably not one of YOUR favorites!) Your honesty is so refreshing. I am also hitting my reset button and looking forward to getting back on track. Let’s do it together!

I appreciate your honesty, too! I have been in that same mode. Whatever I lost is not reflective on the scale NOW. At least I know exactly how I did it, and then un-did it. Getting back on track! Oh – and a word of advice from an ‘elder’ don’t put too much stock in waiting for all things to be perfect before having a baby. I think they show up when they’re ready! If you wait for all things to be just so, you may miss the opportunity all together.

God, you’re a good writer. You get the highest of props from me for being so willing to confront this. I tried really hard to gloss over my holiday weight gain, and I totally understand what you’re saying when you talk about identifying so heavily with being a 50-lb weight loser. It’s taken me 4 months to lose the 10 lbs I regained, but the whole time I still referred to myself as someone who’s lost 60 pounds. I LOST SIXTY POUNDS, SEE? I did it once, therefore, I did it always.

As others have already said, I really love your honesty and openness in your blog. It takes a lot of courage to admit to your issues especially when it means “coming clean” in a public forum. I love (and have so much more respect for) bloggers who aren’t rainbows, kittens and puppies dogs 100% of the time because that’s real.

I don’t think you’re alone in this at all. I think most people, if they were being truly honest, would admit to lying to themselves about something be it weight/ health, a toxic relationship or whatever. The phrase “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt” is a cliche for a reason!

For me, the health-related lie was not admitting I even needed to lose weight. I told myself I wasn’t “that big.” I was still under 200lbs (though just barely and at 5’3″ just under 200lbs is still obese.) I didn’t have to shop in the plus section yet. My ass still fit in one seat on the bus/ train. It took finding out I was not even 25 and already had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. Betweeen genetic predispositionss and my weight, I was well on my way to all sorts of healthy problems and medications. For me that was my ah-ha moment. I knew I had to change my ways and start dropping some weight.

Like someone else said above, admitting it to yourself is the first step. It gets a lot easier to move forward from that point.

This is such a brave post and I really applaud you for taking a clear look at yourself, your actions, forgiving yourself where appropriate and patting yourself on the back as is equally appropriate – and then moving forward. I enjoy your blog more with each post. Thank you for sharing so openly.

I have gained, and gained, and lost, and gained, and lost, and lost, and gained….and lost big…80lbs at one point!! I am awesome, too! Or not so much…because at one point I gained back 40+, and I have since lost as much as 20, and then gained a few and am in the process of losing, again. In my experience, if you love food, learning how to maintain a long term weightloss is challenging and full of resets and adjustments. I think you are so right that the first step is being honest with yourself that you have gained. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. It just means it is time to get honest, take stock, and make some adjustments. I think you will find so many people will relate to you in this post. I hope you find encouragement in that!

I’ve gone through this exact process! I lost 30lbs in 2010 and maintained it for a few months…and then slowly started putting weigjt back on, gaining 10+ in 2011. It was such a slow process that I didn’t really see the pounds coming back on…and then one day I realized none of my new clothes fit anymore. I’ve started paying attention again and counting calories…and Im down 5 lbs since January. Once i get this “gained 10″ back off I have 30 to go before I get to my original goal of 60 total.

I think this 10 lb slip up was good for me. It was a great reminder that this is something I will have to work on for the rest of my life.

And like you, one of the major driving forces for this weight loss is having a child someday. I want to be as healthy as possible going into a pregnancy!

I love this post Cass! I definitely had an “a-ha!” moment a few months ago. I, too, (relatively unknowingly) gradually gained 20 lbs. Although it’s hard to notice, and I’ve been in denial about it for about a year, I decided that I needed to take control and have been taking steps to ensure that I don’t gain any more.

I think it’s awesome that you’re acknowledging this. I can’t wait to read about your next steps.

Thanks for sharing this-it must have taken a lot of courage. I had an “aha” moment last week, not about my weight, but about some other decisions I’d made that weren’t the healthiest and I kept saying I was ok with it. And then I realized that I was just adding to my own stress and needed to take better care of myself!

This post came with perfect timing for me! I started my weight loss journed in December 2009 and over the next 16 months lost 80 pounds!!! I went into celebration mode when I hit my first long-term goal with those 80 pounds and maintained for a couple months, but it’s now been a year and I’ve re-gained 35-40 pounds!!!!! Today is the day I had planned to get ‘back on track’!!!! Your post reflected the honesty I’ve made myself face over the past few days. Thank You!

Maintenance is HARD. I lost 55 lbs a couple of years ago, and then I gained 25 back over the span of 2-3 months. Gaining it so fast made me realize how much more difficult everything with extra weight on my joints…suddenly things like walking up the stairs would get me out of breath! That was my wakeup call…that and the realization that I want to have kids, and I want to be able to run after them and pick them up without throwing my back out. :o)

One thing that strikes me about this post is that I can relate to it so much even though I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum (battling an eating disorder, trying to deny losing more weight, etc.). I’ve had my own “aha!” moments and they haven’t exactly been fun, but I’m still working towards recovery (I also love Tessa’s blog, by the way). I guess my point is that we all struggle with our bodies AND our brains and that you’ve articulated that very well. Excellent post! I also like the images that go along with it. 😀

I’m just echoing what everyone else has said above, that this post is amazing because you are willing to be honest with yourself and with us. I do not see this as a failure, or make you less awesome. It makes you *more* awesome to me, to be completely honest.

In my meditation tradition, we are reminded that it’s the times we realize when that the reset button needs to be hit, that’s the moment just *after* we’ve actually been present….otherwise, we’d keep doing the things we were always doing, being asleep to the vibrancy of life that’s out there.

Thank you, as always, for the honesty, the realness, and the humour that comes through.

I can completely relate. Thank you for writing this post! I got to my highest weight in high school. By the time I started college I had lost 60 pounds! That became my lowest weight. I did gain about 10-15 pounds back within two years, but I was comfortable with it, and that seemed to be where my body wanted to be. Now I am up another 15 pounds from my original loss. It can be so hard to maintain, and especially when it happens slowly. I have the same motivation as you.. right now I feel like I’m not to that healthy point I want to be at when my husband and I want to start a family. I hope you continue to post about this! What a great relief to know I’m not the only one feeling this way!

Wow, thank you for being so honest with us! It must have been an emotional post to write, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate hearing how you are *actually* doing — I feel personally discouraged by healthy life bloggers who just have naturally healthy and skinny lives. I also fall into this trap; I say “oh, I look good today, ICE CREAM TIME” or “I’ve started doing more weight training, so it’s fine that I don’t fit into my pants.” None of those make me happy, but I let myself get away with it. I hope you can refocus and get back on track

Thank you for your honestly, and courage. Courage to admit it on your blog to everyone, and courage to admit it to yourself. I know how difficult it is to stop lying to yourself, and to stop the excuses. I do it more than I care to admit.

This week my son’s on spring break, and I decided not to do my workouts because I wanted to “focus on my 6 year old”, and then I got my period and told myself that my not working out is meant to be because I felt horrible. It really was just a crock in the end. Now I feel gross. I don’t know why I told myself those things when I honestly feel better during this time of month when I work out, and an hour out of my day is not going to destroy my showing my son a good time. I’m pathetic sometimes, lol.

Cassie, it takes a lot of courage to say all that you said above. We’ve talked about how hard it is to face those out there have nothing nice to say, and it makes it harder to be honest. But honest we still are.

I’ve lost 58 pounds. And gained 31 back over the last year…with the stress from having a HORRIBLE boss, being laid-off, getting injured, watching my parents divorce and my father propose to the woman with whom he cheated on my mom. But, over the last couple of months, even amidst even more ups and downs, I’ve lost 14 of those pounds. I’m ready to say “60 pounds!” again…and it’ll happen very soon.

As for you, my friend, things always happen for a reason, and your “a ha!” moment came when you needed it to. (I’ve been on the “am I pregnant” road several times over the past two years! And also felt relieved…only because I have goals to meet first. Selfish? No. Not at all. It’s all for the health of my body…and the maybe baby of the future.)

Cassie, Thank you so much for your post. I am going down a similar road. These are the times when we find out what stuff we are truly made of, and also the times we can find strength we didn’t know (or just forgot) we have. Blessings to you, to me, and to every person posting here who is going through something similar.

I absolutely adore your blog and reading your posts. Although I weigh 90 pounds (5 feet tall), I find myself always being able to relate to your posts, even when they are about weight, just like this post. Keep your head up, and I promise to do the same when I’m feeling down

I have to say, I really, really admire your honesty and bravery. You are more than the 50 pounds you lost and certainly more than whatever you gained back. Just remember that you did it before so you can do it again!

Thanks for, once again, opening up and sharing yourself. It takes so much courage to put yourself out there like this; I think you are so very brave!

I can completely relate to your feelings about health and pregnancy. I definitely feel like my lack-of-health is one of the only things standing in our way from being ready, and that super bums me out.

I did just have a bit of an a-ha moment myself about a week ago: http://wp.me/p1MAlA-g2. Something clicked; let’s just hope it stays that way.

I, too, have gained weight recently. I just haven’t been as active at the gym or with running while I’ve been living out west, and skiing definitely didn’t burn as many calories as I had anticipated. Imagine my shock when I stepped on the scale at the clinic to find that I had gained nearly 10lbs! That’s a lie; I knew I was gaining. My clothes felt a tad more snug than usual. I was just denying it. But there’s no denying the extra rolly-bits I try to hide behind loose shirts and vests.

I can totally relate … on the “I thought I was pregnant but it turns out I’m not and want to get healthy before I actually am pregnant”, and on the “I write about being healthy but am sitting here gaining weight”. My reset button moment was just last week, and this week I got back on the calorie counting wagon and actually lost a few! You can do it!

I love this post- and can so relate! I lost 60 lbs, kind of in two 30 lb chunks. I lost 30 and stayed there for a few years, and then kicked my butt into gear and lost 30 more. I was at my lowest weight when I was 27 and stayed there for about a year. Then I went on a trip to an all-inclusive in Cabo and gained 5 lbs. I freaked out about it and started exercising 2-3 hours a day and restricting calories and never lost that weight. Instead I started gaining, and gaining, and am now 20 lbs heavier (3 years later). This weight won’t BUDGE. I know that if I stop mindlessly snacking for a LONG period of time, it might budge, but I never stay on track long enough. I will tell you- regaining weight it the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I grew up fat, and was used to being fat. But then I lost all of that weight and was very thing- for the first time ever in my life- and LOVED it. I got so used to hearing everyone say “wow! You look amazing!” Now I always think that they’re thinking “wow, she’s let herself go” which I know is really stupid, but it’s so hard to break that Fat Girl mentality. I’m at the point in my life where a baby might be in the near future, and just don’t think my body is ready where I’m at right now. I totally relate and understand everything that you said in this post and love you for it!!

I’ve struggled with similar issues and just has everyone else has said, great job for admitting to where you are and being open and honest about it. That’s defintiely the first step. I’ve been reading your blog for a little while and I’m not sure that I’ve ever commented, but wanted to share this. I’m not sure of your method for weight loss (I’m assuming just tracking calories, since you’ve talked about it) but I just started reading the book Eat To Live by Dr. Fuhrman. If you haven’t read it, I HIGHLY recommend it! I’m not even half way through yet and I think the book is amazing. He even has two different types of meal plans – one vegetarian and one for those who still want meat in their diet. There is no calorie counting, it’s just a matter of making sure you are eating foods that are nutrient rich vs those that are just wasted calories. Anyway, I know you are busy with school and work and stuff, but if in your busy schedule you have any extra time for reading, I really recommend you sit down with that book. He really puts a lot of things into perspective and I’m aiming for my weight to come off and stay off.

My “aha” moment came when I met Shaun T through my TV doing Insanity for the first time. I saw the program at 530am in the gym while I was using the elliptical and hating my life. I thought, “I could never do that. He’s right, it IS insane.” my husband got the program and we put it off for 6(!) months before trying it. It’s totally changed my view of exercise; I love it. it’s hard but so rewarding, and even the super fit people struggle which makes me feel better… 😉

I wrote a very similar blog about a very similar revelation a few months back. I lost 80 lbs, gained back 12 over the course of several months and couldn’t find my umph again. I was sitting there stuck with “I lost such and such amount of weight” when it wasn’t an actual current fact. I wasn’t telling people “I lost this amount of weight, but have stalled out for a year and gained back 12″. Funny how we leave out those moments of “fail” and live only in our glory days. We lie to ourselves and then can’t figure out why we feel so unsatisfied. Here is a link to my blog on this subject but if it gets deleted I don’t mind. It isn’t shameless self promotion. :o)http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4749111

Yeah. I TOTALLY relate. I lost 70lbs, which I blame for losing my PCOS symptoms and getting me preggo WHILE ON THE PILL! Totally unexpected and unplanned but much loved and never regretted baby as a result. But I gained a hella lot in pregnancy. 50lbs. And while I lost 20lbs within 2 weeks of my son’s birth, I’ve since managed to pack on 10 of those pounds. I’m now just 30lbs from my all-time high and 40lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight.

This weekend I was thinking about what a fraud I was and I’m reminded of it everytime I slip into a pair of my fat pants, which have totally taken over my closet. I have 2 large containers of cute skinny clothes that will have to sit there until I can return to losing.

As much as I hate what the weight gain is doing to my body and energy levels (and lets admit it: my looks), I’m having a hard time reminding myself that I am back at square one–or maybe two.

Oh wow, I adore you! I so wish I had found your blog last April, when I was struggling with this (almost) exact thing. Lost some weight, felt like I had it all figured out! Then I gained some weight, thought it was due to a temporary unusual situation and that it would fall off….the difference is, a few months later when I realized none of it had fallen off, I had an unhealthy self-hating freakout. Your attitude is amazing. Thanks for writing this.

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I'm Cassie. I’m a girl living the dream on a small hobby farm in Southern Indiana. Follow along as a I cook healthy food, play in the garden, wrangle chickens, and enjoy the (not always) simple country life.

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