Happy Birthday To My Twinsies!

Happy Birthday To My Twinsies!

Happy Birthday to two of the most amazing people in my life. The two of you have enriched my life and showed me what true love really was. The day you guys were born started me on a path that I will never forget. Thank you Tj and Adrianna Leigh for helping me to realize that above all other things that I could have been, my best role was to be your mom. I love you guys more than my own life and I am so proud of the people you have become.

32 years ago this evening, 2 amazing little people drifted into my life and my heart and soul have not been the same since. I was thinking about the first time I saw my baby twins…the first time I touched them. I had a C-section, but due to hemorrhaging I don’t actually remember seeing them in the operating room beforethey rushed them to the NICU. I have a vague memory of me brushing past the tubes to kiss their little heads before they took them away. I heard someone say, “mommy isn’t doing so well…..and then, “Grab that crash cart!”…., I had no control over this…….I just wanted to touch them….just once. Strange that was all I was thinking about. It really is strange what motherhood does to you and makes you think about. I wasn’t thinking about bleeding to death or even knew what it all meant.

When I woke up, I wasn’t even sure if I was still here. I heard a baby in the distance crying that “newborn” cry, and I smiled……I was ok. But where were the babies? Panic set in. Well where did this PANIC come from!?!?! I had never felt that before!! “Someone please come take me to see my babies” I desperately tried to yell. But I couldn’t…..OUCH!!!! WOWOWOWOW!! It hurt my whole body to talk….will that ever go away??? “Yes” said the nurse as she walked into my room and welcomed me back from what ever beyond I was lingering in.

I remember that night after surgery, after waking up from the medicinally induced coma (I had been put under general anesthesia during the surgery after they were born, it affected me negatively), calling everyone and telling them that I had just had the most beautiful babies in the world. My friends asked me what they looked like and I said, “I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I’ve NEVER EVEN SEEN THEM!! But I know they are PERFECT…And I know they are beautiful!” My friend Cindy had brought up a picture for me but my eyes were so blurry from the medication that I couldn’t focus on it.

I wasn’t able to sleep even though everyone tried their best to get me to relax. I needed to see my perfect little creations, I needed to touch them. I needed them like I needed air. All I knew was I was in the surgical suite with 2 babies, probably fighting over space and who was going to get to say hello first and I was in recovery without them. I felt so….LOST………… REALLY???? Where are all these strange emotions coming from. I have NEVER felt lost….Then I thought, ‘well, I did know their every move, and now I will never know that again.’

I knew they were premature and in the NICU but I wasn’t processing everything too well emotionally. My friend told me I kept whispering under my breath that they TOOK my babies and they were going to be sorry if I didn’t get to see them….SOON!! I’m going to kick some serious ASS and I would be needing her help to slink down the hall like ninjas and she needed to help me to go get them so that we could leave and go home. (me talking on drugs).

The next day I struggled to get the strength and feeling back in my legs so that I could get to the NICU to see them. I’ll never forget the nurse saying so to me, “Are you ready to meet your babies?” You know, I had always dreamed of having a baby and seeing my little wrinkly, pink newborn laying across my chest and combing over every little feature…looking deeply into its eyes. I NEVER IMAGINED TWO!! The anticipation was crushing me.

Well she wheeled me past one large room full of babies and into another just the same where alarms were going off everywhere. Sensory overload! There were beeps and bells, the tiniest cries of preemie babies, and the buzz of little ventilators…the sounds of the NICU…they stay with you forever and I mean FOREVER!! . Eventually the noise becomes normal, and part of the ebb and flow of the preemie daily life, but not that soon…not yet. This is not what I had in mind for the first days of their lives. I wanted the world to be perfect for them……

I didn’t know which bed she’d stop at…which bed belonged to my babies?! There were quite a few babies and I had no clue which were mine. It’s a strange feeling you know? Well….WHERE ARE THEY!!….”HURRY UP PLEASE I’m begging you!”, I cried….

She pushed me over to the corner bed in that very large room; the room where the sicker and smaller of the babies were…and helped me stand. She nodded to the nurse and the nurse moved the blanket just a bit the blanket from on top of his bed and said, “There he is, there’s your baby boy.” I was in a state of shock. He was wrapped in a small blanket, but he had these strange looking wires and long tubes hanging out of him. This is not what I had imagined, but….I’ll take it…..He was perfect to me.

It’s funny, she could have told me any of those babies were mine and I would have believed her…funny how this experience changes everything. I looked down at his ever so tiny, little body, and I wanted to just caress it. I went to rub his leg and she stopped me, she said just to touch him with even pressure. There was so much I had to learn….You see their skin was so thin and so frail, that pressure would have hurt them horribly.

In that very second in time, my life changed forever. I touched his tiny little hand, Oh…. my…… gosh….I WAS IN LOVE!! I had NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE!!!!! What is this?!?! My heart was racing! With his little hand, he grabbed my finger. I was so exhausted that I had to sit, and frankly, I felt I could faint. He kept grabbing my finger ever so tightly and I rested my head against the plastic of his isolette. Somewhere between, “I love you and I would die for you” and a few tears, I feel asleep with my head against the plastic. Even despite the tubes, the ventilators, the beeps, the buzzes and the fear……he was more beautiful and perfect than I had ever imagined.

I was so focused on my Tj, that my friend Cindy had to get my attention to ask me if I wanted to see my daughter. The nurse moved another isolette with dragging cables over next to his, and I put my hand thru the opening and moved her swaddling, and saw the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! EVERRRR!!! I touched her little hand and she held my smallest finger in her wee small hand and didn’t let go…. I softly spoke her name…..”Adrianna”…..When I said this, she slightly turned her tiny face towards me and opened her mouth and out came the tiniest, softest cry. She sounded like a tiny kitten meowing. I couldn’t see her eyes because of the bandages that they had covering them to protect them from the light. But I knew her eyes would be blue, I knew his would be blue, and I knew they would always take care of each other……and I was right <3

We all had a little nap touching each other for the first time. I think I was finally able to breathe a bit once I saw them. We did have that moment I guess that other moms have…it was just a bit different. It would still be a while till I could hold them and forever it seemed till I could look them in the eyes really…and check out every feature. I didn’t want to let go of them, I wanted to stay in that second forever. I promised them, that I would never let anyone hurt them, I would protect them from all that was mean and cruel in the world. And I did.

But I’ll never forget that precious moment together. I always keep that photo close to me of the first time I touched my twins. I make sure to look at it daily. I don’t share it with anyone. TJ and Adrianne have never even seen it. I don’t share it because that was OUR moment together. No one else can ever take that from me. No matter how hard they tried. I’m sure “they” know who “they” are. It marked the start of our NICU journey before they became sick with a few complications. It marks the brief moment before the roller coaster ride truly began. It marked a lifetime of love, fear, panic, and worry. They think I’m ok now. But these emotions have never stopped and go on to this day. I still need to know they are ok. I still need them like I need air. And I will ALWAYS worry.

Looking at their photos of their families and their babies makes the triumph even more rich. It brings back one of my strongest memories of motherhood and the immediate love I felt the moment I saw their tiny faces. My friend had captured a picture of them hand holding my fingers. Tj had one pinky and with my arm stretched out, Adrianna held the other. We were connected. When I look at it, it’s a testament of the impossible coming to pass since days before, I was told that it was possible that we would probably never make it to that moment They grew stronger every day. They taught me what love, happiness, fear, and patience were all in the same evening. I knew that I would never have an experience like that again, but I knew, somehow, that we would be alright. No matter how far apart we are, we will all be alright. We made it. They did it. They beat the odds and to me they are still perfect. So today, just think about that precious moment where you held or touched your little one for the first time. It was magical, wasn’t it? Try and grasp a time turning moment each day with each of your babies, you never know when you may not have the chance again.