Make nice with daughter-in-law and hope son gets his spine back

Wednesday

Sep 18, 2013 at 6:00 AM

DEAR ANNIE: My son recently married a young woman from an affluent family. When he was first engaged, we began to see less of him. We invited him and his fiancee to dinners, vacations, etc., but were usually turned down. They do, however, spend a great deal of time with her family, so we have just backed off.

My husband and I contributed almost half of the money for the wedding. We offered to help with whatever we could, but were told that our help was not needed. Her family did all of the planning. She and her mother conjured up lies to throw us off from planning our guest list, what we should wear to the wedding, etc.

We hosted a beautiful rehearsal dinner, with no "thank you" or even a smile from the bride. On the day of the wedding, our daughter-in-law was embarrassingly rude to my husband and me. It wasn't until the next day, when she refused to attend a family function before going on their honeymoon, that I found out she was angry with me because of what I wore. Annie, I wore the dress my son told me to wear, but he will not admit that to his wife.

We have not heard from either of them since that day. I am so incredibly hurt. I treated this girl like part of the family. I can't believe she would ruin a relationship over something so trivial. Any advice? — MOM FROM MONTANA

DEAR MOM: The dress is just an excuse to limit contact. It sounds as if your new daughter-in-law doesn't want a relationship with her husband's family, and he permits it — either because he agrees or, more likely, because he doesn't want to upset the apple cart.

You need to "make nice," even though it will be difficult. Call or email your son and his wife, apologize for unintentionally selecting the wrong dress, mention something nice about the wedding and about the bride, and sign off by saying you hope to see them soon. We hope your son values his family enough to put his spine back into place.

DEAR ANNIE: This is for "Retired Architect in Dayton, Ohio," who asked why we build houses that can burn down:

I suppose if we mountain dwellers were able to build our ideal homes, we would make certain they were as fireproof as possible. However, there is no such thing as a fireproof construction. We are survivors of the Silver Fire. Many of our neighbors and friends lost their homes. We saw quite a bit of melted steel. Even concrete burns. The most important thing that every mountain dweller can do is keep a defensible space. — BANNING, CALIF.