Different

I have to make myself separate meals, because everybody else I know eats dairy and eggs and meat and wheat…and fat and processed foods and sugar.

I’m the only one at the party not eating the cake.

I have to request going to a restaurant that will have something I can eat. (That’s a friend you want to hang with, right?) And what a hassle to be at the restaurant and ask for special consideration. And by the way, I didn’t ask for whatever it is that makes me feel so crummy when I eat the Standard American Diet. Or consume the Standard American Diet of entertainment.

I feel like the canary in the coal mine.

I’m someone who doesn’t like to make waves or stand out. I’d much rather blend in. You can be different and quiet. I’ve done it for years. I should know. And in some ways it’s easier.

Because I have to expend so much energy just to live my values. And I wonder why more people don’t share them. I’m so thankful for the ones who do. My tribe. It’s a small one, but it’s a tribe.

I can’t turn it back off, you know. I made the decision to let myself out. To be okay with who I am and not keep it quiet anymore. To truly listen to my soul and buck the system to which I was domesticated. My inquisitive, sensitive, quirky self was domesticated. I can look back and see it.

I was the reader, the dreamer, the artist, the writer, the thinker.

I wasn’t like the rest of the kids. I knew it. And they knew it. Eventually you figure out how to fit in. Until you decide not to, anymore.

And so here I am now, realizing it again. I’m not like the rest of the kids. I know it. And they know it.

Some days, I feel so lonely.

And some days it’s just so much easier being alone.

I almost hesitated to post this, because I am not unhappy. I have wonderful friends. I have a wonderful family. I feel blessed, and thankful, and appreciative of every day. But I occasionally feel like this, and I’m actually pretty sure I’m not the only one. My tribe is out there. Different, and quiet.