It seems if you're going to accuse a celebrity of fathering your child, the best time to do it is in the first three months of pregnancy, so it can't have a paternity test. When it's three months old, it's pretty much open season on the poor little bugger's genetic code and you've missed a golden opportunity. No one gives two shits about sticking a needle in a baby outside the womb. They're virtually designed for it in fact. Big, fat, pink pincushions is all they are. Unless of course it actually is their child, in which case you can afford to wait. Although from what we understand that doesn't happen very much, and certainly isn't true here, so says our crack legal team. How boring. Maybe we should get a better legal team. One that lets us say whatever we want.

So anyway, as a world-reknowned 17-year-old millionaire musician it's not like Justin Bieber would ever do anything to put himself in a situation like the above. Using his prominent position to take advantage of the multitude of teenage vagina clusters that regularly form backstage at his concerts? It's simply not Justin. It's just not Belieberble.

Although one 20 year old woman thinks she can convince us otherwise. This particular woman says that not only did he take advantage of her at one of his concerts, but he made her full of baby while he was doing it. According to Star magazine the woman, Mariah Yeater, recently filed paternity papers in a Californian court naming Bieber as the father of her three month old child, and one of his concerts as the point of conception. The following events occur backstage at the Staples Centre, October 25 2010***8230;

"After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation.

"Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

"I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.

"After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone -- a bathroom.

"We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.

"In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything."

Justin then "quickly took off my clothes," and the pair had sex.

"He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds."

Yes, that's right, he wanted to 'fuck the shit' out of her. What kind of 17 year old uses that sort of language? Shocking. We certainly won't be buying any more of his records. Baby baby baby indeed. WE WENT TO YOUR PREMIERE, JUSTIN. MAYBE WE'RE PREGNANT TOO. WHEN DOES IT STOP? WHEN, JUSTIN?

Anyway, here's what a spokesperson for JB had to say:

"While we haven't yet seen the lawsuit, it's sad that someone would fabricate malicious, defamatory, and demonstrably false claims. We will vigorously pursue all available legal remedies to defend and protect Justin against these allegations."