(Closed) Timeline pushed back, trying very hard not to be disappointed

Oh bees, I am so very sad. Last night, the manfriend and I were laying in bed and we were talking about Christmas presents. He mentioned what he wanted for Christmas and I nodded. I asked him if he was going to ask me what I wanted for Christmas and he replied “I know what you want already” and laughed. I asked him what it was I wanted and he said “A ring..” so I laughed and said he was correct.

The timeline we agreed upon was by spring/summer next year. However, somehow the conversation got turned to timelines and he said that it wouldn’t be until the END of next year. Bees, I was so disappointed. I had previously told him that I didn’t want to buy a house until we were, the very least, engaged. He told me he has a date already picked out and he knows exactly how he wants to do it.

On the one hand, I’m thrilled that he has a plan, don’t get me wrong. But on the other, I just don’t understand why it will take another YEAR for it to happen. Money isn’t an issue and he knows exactly which ring to get me. I’m so confused and sad. He said he wanted to make it special and a story for our kids to remember, etc.

I’m trying so hard to stay positive but honestly, I feel a little crushed that it was pushed back so far. That I have to wait another year for it to happen. I just don’t get it. Why this specific date? The only thing I can think of is our three year anniversary next November.No other dates are really special to us.

Ugh.

Please help me be ok with this. I don’t want to sulk like a spoiled child about it because I can’t have what I want, when I want it. But sometimes…you just can’t help it. Help help help.

@MissAEM: 🙁 timelines suck so much at times!!!! Mine has been pushed back three times not reasons that at that time I didn’t think they were important but they in reality were. I know exactly how you feel…im 25 and after 10 years still not engaged…i know I’m still young to brag about not been engaged but I have been with the same guy for years!!! anyways…my advice would be if he said a year try to keep yourself occupied…focus on you for now. That’s what I did to make the waiting process a bit easier. Currently my SO said 6 months would be our timeline….i was upset bc i felt like he was changing everything around again!!! but he said he couldn’t wait till next year. I told him to not tell me anything…lol! Chin up 🙂 I’m sure he wants to make the proposal super special…but who knows he may be just saying to throw u off!!

@MissAEM: I wouldn’t worry too much. I’ve given my SO a timeline that is months longer than I actually expect it to be. I’m sure he wants to surprise you and if you’re expecting next summer and he wants to do it next summer, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to surprise you.

so tell him exactly what you told us – you’re both in this relationship, you don’t have to blindly accept whatever his plan is. do it respectfully and calmly, but make your feelings heard.

i’d say something like, ‘i am so excited about how much thought and effort you’ve put into planning a proposal for me, and i love that you want it to be something we’ll remember forever and tell our kids. but the most important thing for me is to start our life together, and i can’t help but be disappointed that you’re thinking another year from now. i don’t want to step on your toes, and if that’s the time you really feel you need, then of course, a year it is, but what i want most is to be engaged to you.’

HINT HINT haha 🙂

i think timeline discussions go wrong when people get super upset ‘you’ll never do it’ or whine ‘but i do i have to wait?’. if you clearly tell him that your first priority is starting your life, buying a house etc then he may move faster. for all you know, he’s holidng out till next year to propose at a certain concert or something, and i bet you’d be happier engaged in 6 months, than waiting for that concert.

@peonyinlove: He did say that if it meant that much to me, he’d speed it up. I just felt guilty asking him to do it because he has apparently put a lot of thought and effort into planning how he wants to do it. It’s a strange place to find yourself in, torn between what I want and what he wants, you know? But your advice is great, thank you so much 🙂

Sometimes I worry about my SO missing our March 2014 timeline… But he knows very well that unless he has a GREAT excuse, he’d have hell to pay. We are equals in this relationship, and I don’t take kindly to people toying with my emotions. If PPs are right about the surprise – that he is misrepresenting his intentions in order to surprise you – honestly I think that’s just mean. Kind of like telling a starving child that he’ll get food at 6, but pushing it back to 10 only to give him food at 6 just so it’ll be a surprise (ok I know I’m being dramatic – the Hive is giving me World Vision ads). It’s too late for the proposal to be a total surprise; all he can do is make the actual timing and place a surprise.

I don’t think your SO has any idea how mean and disrespectful this is, so I’m not criticising him at all, I’m just saying that you should let him know how you feel. The proposal is not a game!

@MissAEM: It’s hard but I always say two things to waiting Bees: One, he may be trying to throw you off, and two, there does not need to be a special day for him to propose. I went through every special event in the book when I was waiting, and my proposal happened on a Friday in September, which holds no meaning to each of us. I wasn’t taken to a fancy restaurant, I was gross, makeup-less, and tired (and hungry!!), and he proposed with a beautiful video slideshow and the ring. It was perfect, but it just goes to show it can be special but it doesn’t have to be on an anniversary, birthday, or holiday.

I’m right there with you ladies. I got upset last night when he told me that, I just could not help myself. He got defensive about his grand plan being questioned so I don’t know. I’m somewhat of a control freak so the fact that this is kind of out of my hands at the moment is driving me a little nutty. And hurting me at the same time. I’ll try talking to him about it tonight when I’m calmer, haha. Maybe if I can see WHY this is SO important to him that he is pushing it back and upsetting me, I will feel better about it. As of right now, I honestly can’t fathom WHAT could be so important about a specific date late next year. Makes no sense to me.

When I first found out that our timeline was delayed by a year….I kinda REALLY lost it. I was very upset. When we got together I made my expectations very clear and he knew my timeline. I’m sure that you can read many of my earlier posts about not being engaged by 30 to see just how upset I was.

But, at the end of the day, I have accepted it and my life is better for it. I know that we are working towards marriage. I’ve opened up a wedding savings account that SO knows about, and he knows that I’ve started my wedding inspiration boards on Pintrest and told me to get some ideas together. This has helped me A LOT, because now that I realize that I have a man in my life who I love, who does want to marry me (even though I clearly want now and he needs to wait a bit, probably to save for the ring and finish school), I’ve just decided to move on with my life with the understanding that we are going to get married. SO and I will do not want help from our families, so knowing that we are saving for it now has calmed me down a lot, and getting ideas together helps pass the time.

I’m not sure how grand a plan could be to justify waiting another entire year just to get engaged. I’d let him know that what would make you the happiest is NOT some grand proposal, but rather getting married. If he just bought the ring and proposed already, you could be married in a year!!!