The Virgin Mary appeared on my new sofa, and I’m not at all happy about it. In fact, she appears all over the couch, repeatedly. And it changed things. Like the firmness of the pillows.

We bought the sofa and a matching chair recently, and it was delivered a few days ago, amazingly on Sunday. So it must be possessed by the Holy Spirit — who else could have arranged a weekend delivery? At any rate, it is certainly changed from the comfortable couch I sat on for several hours at the store. That one definitely did not have the Blessed Mother on it. It was soft and squishy, the sort of couch you are happy to fall into at the end of a long day of cursing about your co-workers and boss.

More significantly, it changed me almost immediately. I can prove it: I did not say to the delivery men:

“This can’t be the couch I ordered! Why would I want one that is hard as a rock and has the Virgin Mary all over it?”

Divine intervention is the only thing that would have prevented me from shouting at those guys that they gave me the wrong stuff.

I’ve spent several days trying to figure out just what to do about it. During that time, I learned that a couple got home from church to find that Jesus’ face appeared on their receipt from Walmart! I had no idea that they even sold Indulgences at Walmart! Gosh they have everything there.

Well, there’s one thing I’m sure of – those folks will get a pretty penny for that receipt – I mean, who wouldn’t want a religious artifact on a Walmart receipt? It’s the modern day form of Holy Relics! And I bet that couple won’t part with that receipt/relic for nothing.

So I figured, what the heck – I’m going to auction off my holy icon on eBay. I’m sure that someone will want to have the Virgin Mary hanging around in their living room. Because I sure don’t. I’m fifty-four-and-a-half. Give me comfort or give me hell.

Bids will start at $50,000. That way I’ll be able to replace all the other furniture. And that will be a blessing.