Nov 11, 2008

Blind purchases were a thing of the past. Upon my first job many years ago, I found myself becoming a consumer whore, buying every film that peaked my interest. I have had nothing but pleasant experiences for Dark Sky Films. They release quality films with quality transfers. That and amazing editions. The Steel book Texas Chainsaw Massacre is truly a collectors dream come true, that is, until the "Seriously Ultimate Edition" came out. And yes, I am serious.

Up until now Dark Sky has amazed me (Besides from Henry II, but I can allow this misconception to pass, seeing as how they released the original). Eaten Alive is a follow up film to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tobe Hooper created the definitive horror piece which still stands strong today. The icon of Leatherface still lives on and the horror never quite fades. What better way to add onto his success than making a better film? That doesn't happen, though. Eaten Alive might be the biggest over-rated piece of shit horror film ever created.

Over-rated can be a deceptive label. One might construe the idea that is loved by all. This is the most common usage. When I say over-rated, I mean that anyone enjoying this film is a blasphemous result. There is absolutely no redeeming material about this film. Not even Robert Englund's role as Buck or the line he produces that has been "nodded" at by the likes of Tarantino, can justify the existence of this film. Eaten Alive is purely a film that has no merit at all. Watching Eaten Alive might be the equivalent of a Circus midget cart-wheeling into a Hippopotamus's mouth. And yes, this actually happened.

Eaten Alive has a clever marketing strategy - It has 14 different titles across the globe. Do the math. 14 different names is 14 different chances to be fooled into purchasing one of the most absolute disappointing films to be released in this decade. I might agree with the idea of a psychotic war veteran owning an inn to be a cool idea, Hell, I even think the Crocodile is a bit of innocent fun. But when these two mix, it unleashes a fiery hellspawn onto your screen that just smells, tastes, and looks bad. I don't think it would be a gross exaggeration to call Eaten Alive the biggest piece of shit filmed from a respected director.

The characters are as generic as they come and the deaths aren't exciting. Chainsaws were pretty rare to be seen in horror cinema. What Hooper did with the chainsaw, he attempts to do with the lengthy scythe. While the scythe is a formidable and daunting weapon, its usage is ineffective as displayed in the film. What a waste of what could have been quality kills. Eaten Alive is no more worth a watch than having your family abducted, sodomized, and ground to a pulp. Think of the circus midget. Would Od want you to watch this? No. He wouldn't.

Yet another perfect opportunity to put things into the proper perspective. "EATEN ALIVE" is better by itself than everything that has ever been produced by the British film industry put together during the last 121 years since the invention of the cinematograph in 1889, the worst American films are still infinitely better than films produced anywhere else in the world (especially Britain), NEVER FORGET THAT ALRIGHT!!!.

Soiled Links

About Us

SS is a postmortem Occidental Sinema site led by two admittedly vicious Nordish libertine cinephiles. We ruthlessly, yet charmingly rip at the bowels of the prissy populous PC-beast; offering the more discerning reader a piece of our eclectically refined minds and our uncompromisingly distinct weltanschauungs. At Soiled Sinema, we believe in cinematic diversity and equal-opportunity film criticism. Do yourself a favor by allowing us to gouge at your Hollywood-lobotomized gray matter, as we have a pleasant plethora of svelte and seminal writings on films we have come to wholeheartedly and fanatically cherish, as well as expertly diagnosing loathsome cinematic abortions worthy of total celluloid deterioration.