We are about a year into real R after about four months of TT. WH has made the changes we all hope our WS will make. We have both graduated from IC and MC. He is happy and loving, and I truly believe he will not cheat again. Am I happy? Happy enough to stay. I am one of those who R'd for the kids. They are small and we coparent well. They are being shown a strong and healthy parental relationship. That being said, I'm still waiting to feel like I love him again. I fell in love with a man who I believed showed a great amount of integrity. As it turns out, he proved to be a man who lacked it. I thought he was someone who could never cheat on me. I was totally wrong. So, in essence he wasn't who I thought he was. So now what? He has changed and done the VERY hard work I didn't think he was capable of, such hard work in fact that few people would have stuck it out. I guess the question is whether I can fall in love with this man, the man I now know. Do I already love him? Will I ever? Has too much damage been done. I really don't know. It is so confusing. And sad.

I envy those who can say they never stopped loving their WS. I wish I had that certainty. I truly have no idea how I feel about him.

Gah! What is my point? I don't know. Has anyone else gone through this and had a positive result? At this point, I'm basically contemplating a long term exit strategy (as in a few years, I just had a baby 3 months ago and need to onramp) and hoping that my feelings change in the meantime; but this just seems so incredibly depressing to me; and I don't even know for sure it is what I want.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

KatyDo♀ 41245Member # 41245

Posted: 12:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

I can relate because after all of this what I feel is *confused*. It's like the grief comes in stages and part of it is just shock - and then wanting to hold the pieces of my life together. Stay true to your feelings while being vulnerable enough to let the healing take hold. Share your feelings with h so that he can respond to you and support the process.

Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2013

niaveone♀ 40317Member # 40317

Posted: 12:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

I could have written this post (minus the baby, of course).I thought we were a team. Us against the world. No matter if we were in a slump, or stressed, we were together and we would figure it out. Then that was taken from me without my knowing. I've told our MC this and I've told my WS this. I just don't feel like we are married anymore. I feel like I got the marriage stolen right out from under me, and WS changed the rules without my consent. I feel violated by the one person I thought would always have my back. How do you come back from that?

I still feel like I need an exit strategy in case he does something stupid again, even though he seems to have been doing *everything* that needs to be done.

The previous poster captured a thought I was just trying to convey to my WS today. I said "I get a small dose of happiness and contentment, then I get scared. I'm afraid it's all going to be ripped out from under me at a moment's notice like before. So then I stop feeling happy and content and get on guard again. Which causes anxiety"

Being vulnerable enough to let the healing begin. That's a wonderful way of putting it.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays
Reconciling

Posts: 376 | Registered: Aug 2013

Angel177♀ 37274Member # 37274

Posted: 2:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

I could have written your post.

I hope I fall in love with wh again someday. I really really want to. He is the man I always knew he could be...the man I waited 9 years for him to be. The last year has been the best we have ever had. He is the best dad now too...he was always good but he's better now.

But...he cheated on me! He's a liar (I knew that when I married him..) and a cheater (that I did not know when I married him)

So he is everything I ever wanted and I have my dream life but at what cost? Is all this worth living with the affair forever? I honestly don't know.

If he had gotten to this place without the affair...it would have been sooo different. Makes me cry just thinking about how much better all if this would be if he hadn't cheated. Makes me just want to scream. It's not fair. I hate this.

Sounds like you are in year 2. It does get better. And if it doesn't you CAN leave. Tell yourself that. (Even though part of the year 2 thing is feeling trapped.)

[This message edited by I think I can at 3:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8883 | Registered: Jan 2008

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 3:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

Thank you for the replies. KatyDo, the vulnerability is likely the root of my problems. In order to really heal, I needed to get to the point where I could walk away from the marriage and know that I would be okay. I got there. However, I have a very hard time holding on to that while at the same time allowing myself the vulnerability to trust my WH again. If I am ok being on my own, it really doesn't matter if he cheats again, because I will be gone. The problem with this is that it seems to be keeping me from allowing myself to fall back in love with him. Scary stuff.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 3:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

Thank you I Think I Can. Sometimes it is just so comforting to hear that what I'm feeling is okay from others who truly get it

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

devasted30♀ 39439Member # 39439

Posted: 3:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

Hi Hopeful10 - I could have written your post too except for the newborn baby. I'm about into this R as you are including the TT. I think I have it all as of Sept but who knows. I love my husband - I do. But, is it the love that I once had - NO. Is it enough to stay???? I don't know. But, from everything I've read here, it takes a good 3+ years to get over this (as if we'll ever get over it - I guess the word is "past" this) So, I am continuing to R and hoping for the best. You're younger than me - way younger. Give it another bit of time and see how you feel this time next year. You might be surprised. I hope we get that feeling back. Funny, how my WS gave me the old ILYBINILWY and changed his mind. Now that's the way I feel.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

Camille87♀ 41252Member # 41252

Posted: 4:41 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013

We are only 13 months into R and it is hard! I hate it. I hate that I'm here and that he put us here! I don't deserve this!

Yes he has made great strides and changes but ultimately we have suffered great losses in our marriage and in our life together. Some things just aren't fixable or replaceable.

I don't trust him (or anyone!) like I used to and I probably never will.

I have a Plan B for what I will do if he makes another mistake or if I want to leave in the future. Initially I wanted to establish my own line of credit, wanted my own private bank account that he knew nothing about and I did take a concealed handgun licensing class (just feel the need to defend myself if I'm going to be a single mom). I'm also looking for a job change and possibly a career change. I think all of this is pure self defense and probably totally unnecessary (I hope!) but I feel the need to do it so I that I feel some sense of protection.

My knight in shining armor was supposed to protect me but he emotionally raped me so I think it's only natural that I now feel the need to protect myself no matter what valiant efforts he's now making to "fix" things.

Some days I think we'll make it and other days I don't. I'm giving it another year.

It is mega hard. I still don't know where I am. I swore i'd leave if he did it again... But here we are... Again... And worse. I am not in a position to leave. He will be the one to leave. Of course, that first day, i almost cleaned out the bank account and took off. Half of me thinks I should have.

The thing for me is, that he confessed, full disclosure within 24 hours of his transgression, and has maintained full dislcosure, and not gotten defensive when I ask for details. Asked for MC, and Help finding IC. He's broken. He cries when I cry. Has a look of REAL remorse, not just regret... Is quite honestly acting like the man i married, and not the man i've been living with since. But... Just when I start to feel happy, a little voice tells me, "He's NOT your perfect husband... He's a lying cheating whore fucker!" (prostitute, not an OW) then I get mad, he takes it... Tells me he deserves it. Which makes me sad... Then we sit and cry into the night, and are tired the next day... ( such as last night... Because it's both my birthday, and the one month antiversary of his transgression... And he has school tonight...) it's exhausting.

I'm there too, I love my wh but at times I can't stand to even look at him, I have not been "in love" with him since dday #1, and not sure I ever will be. But like you I stayed for the young kids, who are now 5,almost 6, and 8. His A ended 3 years ago,but I got tt'd until last June (so for almost 3 years). I'm lost, confused and sad, I lost my dreams of a long happy marriage, to who I thought was my soul mate. I too have a long term exit plan of 3years, because of school.

Hang in there, know you're not alone and we're all here to support you.

I'm both happy and sad that so many of us are in the same boat. R even when it goes "well" isn't for the faint of heart. It is so hard balancing the need to protect oneself and be ready to hit the road at a moments notice (because statistically they are likely to do this again) and be dedicated enough to reconciliation to actually have a shot at saving one's marriage. In fact, looking at it written down, it is a totally unfair position to be in! Year 2. Not how I want my life to be...

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

ontheslope♂ 40574Member # 40574

Posted: 8:48 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

In fact, looking at it written down, it is a totally unfair position to be in!

Yes it is... I have a lot of anger just from having to be in this position at all. One of the myriad of changes, I think.

hopeful10, I also am in the boat of not knowing exactly how I feel about my W. I guess what it comes down to is that there isn't much room on the roller-coaster for love at the moment. Infidelity is such an enormous, life altering betrayal that changes many of the fundamental truths that we thought we knew. And yes, that is what makes reconciliation so hard.

I have removed the knife from my back, I have handed it to the person who put it there, and I have forgiven them for sticking it there in the first place. But love? I don't know. Still working on that one.

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA

leapoffaith86♀ 40730Member # 40730

Posted: 9:21 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

I feel you

It's never too late to start all over again

Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 1:53 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

ontheslope I love this analogy:

I have removed the knife from my back, I have handed it to the person who put it there, and I have forgiven them for sticking it there in the first place.

On Dday, I told my WH that the OW could have him, and I meant it. I packed up my kids and left. He told me immediately he didn't want her, and he initiated NC himself. I hadn't yet found this place, I started to second guess my decision, and when the IC I told him he had to get before I would consider coming home said she wanted to be our MC I agreed. This was the period where I took the knife out of my back and handed it to him and he stabbed me again and again with his lies. That TT is what made me decide to divorce him, and finally put up the armor I should have in the first place. Now, I've forgiven him, given the knife back, and have been standing here with the armor on for months trying to work up the courage to take it off.

The way I described it to my WH (who has had to hear from me repeatedly that despite all of his efforts, I may still decide I don't want to be married to him) is that I've been standing at a crossroads for about four months now, and it is a pretty sad place to be. I feel like I want to move from it, but don't know which way to go. I could stay here longer, but I'm not happy; so I would like to move. I think I would like to take the road where we stay married and I actually get to enjoy this new marriage we have created, but it is a far more terrifying road to navigate.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 2:02 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

And, just because I know you all will get it…yesterday WH and I and the 3 month old all walked together to pick up my oldest from school. He took my hand, so we were holding hands (and the baby was in the front carrier) as we approached the school. As we walked into the school yard, all of the mothers were staring at us and the hearts were practically floating out of their heads. We looked like the cutest, happiest, family. I looked at my husband, and he had a smile like the cat who caught the canary. He was so pleased. I dropped his hand and wanted to vomit on the spot. I felt like I was living this giant lie. Like I've got on paper this husband who is perfect NOW who treats me like a million bucks NOW who tries so hard to show me every day how much he loves me NOW; and I can't enjoy any of it because I still have to live with what happened before. I've forgiven him. I accept it happened. But that doesn't make it any less real or make me happy. It just sucks

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

ILINIA♀ 39836Member # 39836

Posted: 2:20 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

Can you slide down? As I am in this boat as well.

I have been talking about this with my IC. I am so jealous of the BS that knew on dday that they were going to fight for their WS and their family. All I wanted to do was pack my kids up and drive around the USA for the summer. I gave him full freedom to pursue OW. He dropped her instantly and started fighting for us.

So why don't I have any feelings to fight for us? He has changed and he has owned it. I think our marriage could be stronger than what it was before. But what is holding me back? Does that mean it was a deal breaker from day one or is that just how my mind protects itself? If it is just my mind, how can I tear down this wall?

(In case you are wondering, the IC believes it is because I felt the kids, our marriage, and our home was top priority. On dday, I learned that we were really far down on his priority list. Instead of getting burned again, I just shut the door. I have a feeling we are going to be talking about vulnerability and Brene Brown in upcoming sessions...)

It is hard.

eta: Hopeful just read your post. I get it. I was at a party and the group was talking about another friend's upcoming divorce and cheating husband. One of my friends said "Ilinia, you are lucky. You got one of the good ones." I froze and said something dumb like, "Well, marriage is tough."

[This message edited by ILINIA at 2:24 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 625 | Registered: Jul 2013

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 2:35 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

Oh man, Ilinia, I have been struggling with these EXACT issues for months and IC isn't giving me nearly the clarity this thread has. I am still not sure. Ultimately, this may be a deal breaker for me (so depressing after all of this). But I'm not there yet. I'm leaning toward fear of vulnerability as the root issue, but how do I change that and do I want to?

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

ontheslope♂ 40574Member # 40574

Posted: 2:35 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

And, just because I know you all will get it…yesterday WH and I and the 3 month old all walked together to pick up my oldest from school. He took my hand, so we were holding hands (and the baby was in the front carrier) as we approached the school. As we walked into the school yard, all of the mothers were staring at us and the hearts were practically floating out of their heads. We looked like the cutest, happiest, family. I looked at my husband, and he had a smile like the cat who caught the canary. He was so pleased. I dropped his hand and wanted to vomit on the spot. I felt like I was living this giant lie. Like I've got on paper this husband who is perfect NOW who treats me like a million bucks NOW who tries so hard to show me every day how much he loves me NOW; and I can't enjoy any of it because I still have to live with what happened before. I've forgiven him. I accept it happened. But that doesn't make it any less real or make me happy. It just sucks

I sooooo get this. I bet we all do. I absolutely HATE when people say anything about how great we are, or what a cute couple we make. I had someone ask me a short while ago how long I was M'd for, and then afterwards he said "I bet she's a keeper," and I couldn't answer. I almost puked on my shoes.

I'm also cynical of other's relationships. I know people who have recently M'd and I'm always like "Just you wait... it's coming, you just don't know it yet." I know that's wrong, but it's how I feel.

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 2:48 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013

ontheslope, that feeling is what finally prompted me to post. I accept that there will likely always be an asterisk by our happy marriage. This bad thing that happened that changed us, but we are still married and still happy. Right now it is more of an exclamation point and overshadowing the happy to the point where all I can authentically say is that I'm married. I hope for all of us that time changes this and offers some much needed light and clarity. Because really, the happy is more important than the married.