Tuesday, May 8, 2012

If I use them as the photo, maybe Habs and Jets
fans won't complain that they got one fewer joke
than the other teams," thought the weary blogger.

The second round of the playoffs is underway, but fans may feel like something's missing. An entire country, to be specific, since for the first time in a generation not a single Canadian team made it out of round one. And that's lead to a seemingly never-ending parade of negativity and speculation about what's ailing the nation's franchises.

Enough is enough. As longtime readers know, if there's one thing this space is committed to it's a sense of unrelenting optimism. So let's focus on the bright side, and come up with as many positive things as possible to say about each of Canada's seven teams.

Montreal Canadiens - The upcoming collective bargaining agreement should make it possible for the team to finally recover from the Scott Gomez trade, assuming it ends up including some sort of "get Ryan McDonagh back" clause.

Winnipeg Jets - While they put up a disappointing season in terms of wins, points, and goals for and against, they did have their best season in 16 years in the all-important "actually existing" category.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Many experts insist that a good NHL rebuild takes five years, and if that's true then the Leafs should be ready to contend for a title sometime in the next negative three years or so.

Calgary Flames - The likely offseason trade of Jarome Iginla will eventually allow Flames fans to enjoy a championship, assuming they all switch allegiances to whichever team acquires Jarome Iginla.

Vancouver Canucks - Have indicated that they'll be trading Roberto Luongo, which is great, because trading that guy away has always worked out so well for other teams.Edmonton Oilers - The team has assembled a dynamic core of top-tier forwards and will no doubt be able to keep them together after their entry-level contracts expire because they just will, OK, according to the Oiler fan rocking in the fetal position with his hands over his ears.

Ottawa Senators - Are being unanimously lauded as a model example of a rebuilding franchise by hockey experts, and those guys haven't been completely and totally wrong about the Senators since last October.

Toronto Maple Leafs - All those fans who kept chanting "Let's go Blue Jays" at the end of the season have recently switched to chanting "Yeah OK, you called my bluff, when do season tickets go on sale?"

Calgary Flames - Their front office has proven without a doubt that they know how to guide an underdog team deep into the playoffs, just as soon as they've been fired and then signed by another team as head coach.

Vancouver Canucks - The team's off-season plan is so detailed and brilliant that it will knock you right off your feet, or at least it did when they tried to show it to Ryan Kesler.

Edmonton Oilers - The team's front office is using the World Championships to scout blueline prospect Ryan Murray, which is smart since if there's one crucial skill for a future Oiler it's the ability to take part in the World Championships.

Ottawa Senators - Erik Karlsson was so dominating this year that owner Eugene Melnyk said he could be one of the greatest defensemen of all-time, according to the one slide that's repeated 500 consecutive times in the presentation Karlsson's agent's has already built for his upcoming free agency negotiation.

Montreal Canadiens - New general manager Marc Bergevin held key several front office roles with the Blackhawks over the past few years, so whenever a salary cap issue comes up they can just ask him how he would handle it and then do the opposite.

Winnipeg Jets - According to the small print the warranty is technically good for twelve months, so fans can still return this team to Atlanta for a refund and enjoy this upcoming Coyotes championship.

Toronto Maple Leafs - It's been rumored that much-maligned goaltending coach Francois Allaire may be leaving, so hopefully the new guy will be able to teach James Reimer important skills like "not getting elbowed in the head by Brian Gionta".

Calgary Flames - A veteran like Miikka Kiprusoff could bring a windfall in a trade with a team whose fans had turned against their young goaltender, so it will be interesting to see what the Canucks offer three games into next season.

Edmonton Oilers - The organization has done a great job of emphasizing speed and quickness when it comes to forwards and defensemen and pretty much anyone who's not in charge of letting the coach know if he still has a job.

Vancouver Canucks - Their playoff quest to "Go out there and accomplish something that nobody else can" turned out to be successful, assuming it was referring to winning a game against Jonathan Quick.

Ottawa Senators - Daniel Alfredsson has repeatedly assured Paul MacLean and Bryan Murray that he hasn't made his mind up about retirement, before politely asking if they could let go of his leg so he can finish his shift at the World Championships.

Anyways, I hope Iggy and Kipper aren't going anywhere next season; trading them would basically turn us into the Oilers from ~5 years ago. And I don't think that's really worked out all that well for them.

Speaking of ex-Flames front management, I've wound up jumping on the Kings bandwagon for the playoffs. If the finals winds up being them and the Rangers, it will have Darryl Sutter coaching a low-seeded Western Conference team that upset the Canucks in the first round before embarking on a Cinderella run (thanks in no small part to the outstanding play of their goaltender) and making their first serious run at the cup in almost two decades vs. the first seed in the East, coached by John Tortorella and leaning heavily on the scoring of Brad Richards, and it will all be set against the backdrop of an expiring CBA and the threat of a lockout looming over next season.

In other words, if I squint a little bit so I can't see the names on the jerseys, it'll let me relive 2003/04 all over again.