Sunday, June 14, 2009

Stereotypes are many things - ignorant, offensive, inaccurate, and fun. A few have merit. For example, all Mexicans take after and speak English, if they do, which they fucking should, like their king Mexican, Geraldo Rivera. That's dead on. No argument there, right? And, all white Americans think all people with Hispanic roots, in Geraldo's case more Jewish than Puerto Rican, are Mexican. It's just one of those facts of life - like water runs down hill.

Stereotypes reveal a variety of wonderful information about people ranging from genitalia size, learning ability, levels of apathy, generosity, frugality, sense of humor, and proclivity for violent behavior. None of which can be trusted, outside of the aforementioned Mexicans/Geraldo/white America phenomenon, and the obviously accurate old adage that women are 1) inferior to men, 2) overly emotional, c) weak, 4) only fit to work serving the superior gender, V) and, lastly, responsible for the fall of all mankind. This I know. Thanks a fuckload, ladies! Read it in a pretty important little biography about this guy. It's a decent read, but it's, like, more popular than one of those goddamn Oprah books, so I'll avoid mentioning it by name. Nobody wants to be beatin' over the head with that kind of thing. After all, it's just a book! And, it's not like the thing won a Pulitzer. I'm sure you have a dozen lying around you're just dying to get to. Who needs another one?

My goal for this post isn't to get you to abandon all stereotypes. As I've discussed, many are sensible. I'm actually looking to clear up some common misunderstandings, misrepresentations, inaccuracies, and general shit floating around about my people: the anonymous. Let's start with that last sentence. I've had more people than I can count (and, no, bigots, it isn't because I, and all my incognito brethren and sisteren have difficulty with numbers) say, "Oh, ya'll are so arrogant. Ya'll think your shit don't stink." First, our shit does stink. In many instances it is unbearable. We actually take great pride in our aromatic idiosyncrasies related to digestion, thanks! We have a competition and award for it at our annual convention. Second, we refer to ourselves as secret people, us, anonymous, and, at times, the anonymous, but never will you see us employ the use of capitalization. Believe me, it has nothing to do with arrogance. It's actually secretive. Unfortunately, I can't say. Don't press me on it. Really! I'm serious. Leave it alone. Fuck. Okay, okay, we fucking drew straws and the guy who wrote the four appropriate titles on that selected sheet had this thing about capitalization. Happy now? He was an anarchist. I think that played a big role in him leaving our group. He used to say, "I'm totally against capitalism." He wouldn't even capitalize his own name. I think it was drew or brian or hugh. I can't recall.

Nevertheless we stuck with it, because we agreed prior to drawing we would. I think that brings up an important fact: we are honest, trustworthy people. If we say we're going to do something, we do it. A lot of people just can't see that in us. I think it has much to do with our lack of face. We're, admittedly, a tough read. We don't exhibit a twitching of the brow when we lie - for two reasons. We're not stoic at a poker table. We're faceless at a poker table, Lady Gaga. How you gonna read that? That's why I've written this. Now you know. Just like anything else you read on the internet, this, too, is true.

Many times people will say to me and my friends, "You must be important. Anonymity is reserved to those who have something to lose." We have to bridge this gap. We have members who are doctors, lawyers, politicians, and dental hygientists. But, we also have janitors, busboys, and the unemployed. Most are smart. Some are dumb. Some live in mansions. Others in mobile homes. We're a diverse bunch. Sure, Deep Throat was one of our guys. In a study I just made up, the pseudonym Deep Throat is as recognizable as the name of Sarah Palin. I'll concede that point: Deep Throat is important. But, we also have Max, the librarian, and Karla, the bus driver. Of course we've changed both Max and Karla's names and occupations to protect their identities in the anynomous community, but our Maxes and Karlas are just as common as the Deep Throats.

Lastly, it'd be incorrect to assume we secret people (aka us) represent all heights within society. We don't adhere to that standard distribution found out on the street corner. We're all either average height or tall. No of us are short. We don't have a single representative from the left side of the Gaussian function for stature. Many on the right. Some in the middle. It's not intentional - just the way it is.