Month: February 2018

There is that fear that helps me survive. It is the type of fear that protects me from dangerous situations. Perhaps you can also call it my inner voice, my intuition.

But then there is destructive fear. This type of fear is fear that blurs my sight. It blurs my feelings, my perception.

It clouds my senses. It makes me think and do things that are destructive.

Sometimes this fear takes full control over me. And once I am controlled by it, it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.

This type of fear is tricky. It becomes like a vicious circle. It makes things worse… and then even worser.

I once I made an exercise looking at this type of fear. „What is your biggest fear?“ And then you ask yourself what happens if this fear takes full effect. You often get to the point where you realize that what you are afraid of is not that bad. However, it can also get to the point where it get’s bad… really bad…

What I realized doing that exercise was that what I was afraid of was what I actually did already create in my life. In a way my biggest fear initiated a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That’s the tricky bit about it. Although that fear might not be reality at first, eventually it will become reality, just because I allow it subconsciously to take over control.

The first step to conquer my fear is by acknowledging it. Then I go right into it. Because if I don’t do it, I am dead before death.

When people ask me about my take on spirituality I always give the same answer: Spirituality is not about angels and feel-good. Quite the opposite… on a deep level it’s the path along pain and fear!

Friday I decided to do a vision quest and made a visit to my local ethnobotanical store. I told them about my current situation. They suggested ibogaine to me.

Ibogaine is a natural psychedelic from an African root. Although it has psychoactive effects it is legal in Austria. It is generally used for various pharmacological or ritualistic purposes.

Ibogaine connects you to your own truth, your inner voice. Eventually you will hear a clear voice that will guide you through the process. And once you see your thoughts pass by you start to understand why and where they come from. And eventually it can reset your brain.

When I started On A Trip more then 11 years ago, one of my friends from Australia send me his review of his ibogaine ceremony in Thailand. Then, I was fascinated by his experience and wanted to try it as well… so after eleven years the circle is complete 😉

I decided to do the session on my own – without a trip-sitter – something I wouldn’t suggest to anyone. But it felt like the right time for me to do the ceremony.

I prepared my healing room (my revamped former living room) and about 3 pm I started the ceremony. About 30 minutes later I started to feel strong energy flowing effects in my body. After about an hour I had light hallucinations.

So when my first memories came up I was able to grasp a fact: I started recalling memories when something would feel painful to me. Rather than feeling pain I reflect. This was not new to me but through the ibogaine process I could finally grasp it in a different way and deal with it.

I recalled my relationship and how it emerged. I was able to see myself through my wife’s eyes. It was an interesting experience 😉

We used to have a deep love connection and potential with each other. However, we did not make the best out of it. Quite the opposite.

And then I felt an incredible pain. Through feeling the pain I suddenly stopped suffering. This was the first time in my life I would rather feel pain than suffer.

Along the way I got a bit impatient that the „truth-voices“ were not guiding me. I had booked a vision quest ticket, not a lovesickness trip 😉

When I snapped out of a deep trance I could suddenly hear the voice clearly.

I was surprised how clearly and precisely the voice would answer my questions.

Its truth was sometimes painful but sometimes liberating.

Once my trip ended about 30 hours later I started feeling good. Really good. Really?

We’ll see… but it felt different somehow.

Truth creates suffering only if we don’t accept it.

vox

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