Sunday, February 20, 2011

Headdeskery

....yes, it is a word!

As the all powafuwl Cael has decreed... I am to post every three days or his head will explode and cover the land from here to the horny seas with goop. Except not really that last part but it was an amusing image no? I personally see a lot of head squishing (where you squint and pretend to squish a person's head between your fingers) going on when I'm around him. He seems to think he's the boss. Don't know where the hell he gets that.

I am sick. Again. I? am slightly pissy about this. I JUST got over my last cold that managed to hang on for 3 months. I'm over being sick. This lovely little bug I think I caught from my brother. I am hoping that it doesn't hang on long.

Yesterday I was talking with a submissive friend of mine and she asked me what kind of relationship Cael and I had. Whether it was service based, or control based. Seeing as how I am not up there with him yet, this made me pause and think. (I do that sometimes you see.) I've known Cael quite a while. He is pretty damn independent. He loves to cook and wants to cook for me so much so that I may have to fight to be allowed to cook, he cleans (though the man does need help on some things. I swear the picture he sent me that had his clutter covered table in it haunts my dreams. One of the first things I'm doing when I move is getting rid of that so I can sleep soundly. If I don't I fear I'll be like Sheldon...unable to sleep because of the clutter and break into the place to clean... but I will already be there. Makes it a lot easier.) he does his own laundry, etc. While I'm sure he'd welcome help, or taking turns or dividing things up when I'm there or however we work it out, when it comes right down to it he can do it and he has never once complained about it to me. So, I think the relationship at its base is control oriented. He absolutely has control over what I do or don't do right now and when I move that will intensify and he will have control over even more things. Since he wants to do most of the cooking... he will essentially be controlling what I eat for the most part, when we look for a house up there... he will be in control of that...I have certain things I'd like but I don't know the area so it makes more sense for him to have most of the control on that, I don't drive... so unless I'm willing to walk (I fucking hate buses) he will be controlling where I go...or even more so whether I go somewhere. If he doesn't want to go, then chances are unless it's really important... I probably wont go. Which lets face it... I totally hermit, I am absolutely okay with him controlling that. I am very, very, unlikely to randomly go and buy things for the house without his consent... and even at times unless it's something I need chances are I'll talk to him about it before I just get it. ....I function like that normally, so between the way I do things and the dominance he has and the way he functions... it's definitely control based. That may change and shift a bit as we go but right now that's what it is I believe.

Speaking of his control...we had another serious talk. I'm over those btw. We discussed him coming down on the long weekend(this weekend) and as we got further and further into the conversation we may have cleared away some of my issues a bit. We both have them... I'm contemplating building a tree-house in the backyard for them to play together in when I move. *nods* He mentioned that I should send him a full body picture. Which to an extent I have... he has seen my entire body... I've just always had wiggle room to hide parts I don't like. He took away my wiggle room. I can no longer wiggle. He said he wasn't going to push the issue, that if I didn't want to send the pictures I didn't have to. However, part of why we aren't spending time together right now is the weight, I'm scared how he will view me and whether or not he'd still want me once he's seen everything.

If you've been reading here a while, you will have read or concluded that I am a rip the band-aid off kind of girl. If I am scared of something, even an answer... I can only let myself avoid it so long before I have to confront the issue head on. There are times where I've been so scared of an answer I may get to a question that I teared up or trembled as I asked... but I still asked. This was no different. He mentioned it... I knew I had to do it... had to know. So I asked a few questions, made us both entirely uncomfortable both with answers and questions and finally sent the pictures. He's still here. I got a "See that's not bad babe" back. And you know what? When I took the pictures, before I sent them... I sat and looked. I see me as being much bigger, worse off, even gross... the pictures..they definitely aren't of a tiny girl... but they aren't how I see me. If I hadn't taken them, I'm not sure I would have believed they were me. From where I am... I don't have the most flattering view. Both literally...you look down at yourself or in the mirror, you're going to fixate on the bad. And emotionally/mentally. I've struggled with this for a while, so I'm frustrated and hate it. I am actually happy and thankful that he had me take those pictures. They make me feel a little better. An actual view, not the one in my head. While I maintain that the angle of the pictures help... but right now, that's okay.

This week I have also managed to maintain my weight loss. I didn't go down... but I didn't end the week higher than I began and that? I am counting as a victory.

In new news.. I am going to be trying a new thing here on the blog. I am now in the ambassador program at Edenfantasys and as such will be posting things about the site/products periodically. In the next day or so I will be doing my first post on them and we'll see how that goes. And since I can almost hear Cael in my head... no, those posts will not count in my rule. I will still make my regular posts every three days.