Now I know my ABC's

Friday, January 15, 2010

So, I started a new J-O-B this week, who new it would be so stinkin hard to go back to work after nearly 1 year off, and oh what a year it was. Anyway, As I have been driving, A little longer commute then I am used to and frankly comfortable with, I have been able to listen to the radio, a little more often. Now, mind you I am a news junkie but when I leave for work not much news is on the radio I have been listening to lots of different types of things. But I usually end up on a country station because I seem to be drawn to its, well honestly I don't know what it is, now there are some really great songs out there I am talking in every Genre, well except RAP of course but really what is RAP...I digressSO today as I got in the car took out the Laurie Berkner band and put on some music that I could listen to and not feel to crazy i turned the station to a country station, and went on my way, well, I was sitting there and listening to the music and thinking about it, i realized that the words sound all cute and even made me want to feel "special" like maybe someone out there was thinking these things about me, but as I continued listening I realized these are men and women singing about things they could have done to save some sort of a relationship, who knows how far in the past, I thought, okay so everything I am hearing for the 25 or so minutes I listen to it is about people coveting other people's possessions, I really thought about it today, and realized how much of my life do I spend coveting others, (way to much I must admit) I have so much to say about this but it is so stinkin late(or early) I don't have it in me to go into it right now. but don't worry I will yet again sit down at this very desk and spill my music thoughts to one and all. but for now I must go get some sleep. tomorrow I will try to post some insight on these things, oh, and maybe I will try to figure this whole blog thing out so it is more enjoyable for all. but for now I bid you all good night!!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Okay so I know it has been a long time and I really knew that is how it would happen however I still do not know how to post anything cutsie on here and I really can't figure out why I am doing it . but I guess today I really need an outlet and I very much hate to be negative where everyone else can see it but here. it's just plain ole me and I needed to think about how I have been feelingDid you ever feel like you made a choice in your life that may have not been the right choice? Did you ever feel like you did it possibly to protect someone else? and in the process quite possibly missed out on blessings that either should've or could've been yours? well that is how I have been feeling lately and I guess it has been a little more then lately, maybe that is why this whole blog thing started. Over the past year or so I realized so many of the things that were being presented to me that I never new where out there let alone even options, and as I pondered these things I realized I hurt someone that I deeply cared about, and still do to this day,badly. I have never claimed that I was the nicest person out there but until recently I didn't realize the pain I caused my dear friend. We have obviously gone our seperate ways and have new very differnt lives, mine being very different and quite frankly much more difficult then I had ever imagined. Don't get me wrong, I have the most beautiful family that one could ever ask for and I realize that being nearly 35 and pregnant brings on several more emotions then normal, but I can't help but look back and think of the what if'sChris absolutely hates that I am a what ifer but I can't help it, there are so many different paths I could have taken, And unfortunatly they were not all the right paths I knew it as I travelled it and I know it now, the past still haunts me to this day however many years ago and how ever hard I try to forgive myself for taking the road unfortunatly more travelled I knew better, Ihave always known better and now here I am today sitting at my computer contemplating what I could have done to make it different realizing I have NEVER spoken to anyone about these feelings. I think them constantly and I realize I have no one to open up to about them. they are feeling that I have tried to put away and quite honestly hide and now here I am typing them on a computer which I am sure no one will ever see but me but they are out there for the universe to find and critique. I refuse to go into any detail or even elaborate on the person I am talking about but it really has been on my mind, in my thoughts and un fortunatly in my dreams a lot. the damage that has been done has been done and is surely not even on the mind of my old friend so many years later, I wish however that I could somehow turn back the hands of time and make it right, I don't know what it would change in either of our lives or the lives of those that we now know I just wish I could change the feelings that may have been there as everything went down. Maybe mostly for selfish reasons so I can stop thinking about it and move on. Anyway to you out there I offer the most sincere apology that I know how, from my heart to yours and maybe one day I will be able to explain the actions that I took as I was not worthy of you or the friendship you always offered! I am so sorry for the betrayl you must have felt but I am happy to see the opsitive things in your life. I hope they are real and I sincerly hope you my friend are truly happy!!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

So just a couple of things to say before I get on my regular soapbox First and foremost I was so excited to hear today that Wayne and Jeanna brought the baby home this week, I can't even imagine the stress or any other emotion you must have under those circumstances. Yay and congratulations!!!Second of all I still don't know how to post any pictures or add tabs or anything to this blog thing and to be honest It is getting a little tiresome so we shall see how much longer I can hang in here to get it all figured out. ( Don't worry I still get confused logging into the blog as well) yes it has been confirmed I am crazy!So I had the pleasure of sharing the evening with My beautiful mom and 2 of my sister in laws, and, although we missed the rest of the "Mendenhall" girls clan, it was great company and I was spiritually enlightened.I have to say that I normally love going to womens conference so knowing that I am able to be spiritually fed by the words of what I firmly believe are latter day Prophets, Seers and Revelators I also am blessed enough to see, even if it is only a small piece of the behind the scenes, of how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints is guided by the spirit. In the church we belong to it is amazing to see how the men, the leaders the "head" are so committed to the work of women, and they respect us enough to teach us the workings and the teachings that they too learn, nothing is a secret, nothing is left out. it all seems ti be clear and incredible. As I sat in the meeting and listened to the great women whom we are lucky enough to call our leader, our teachers our friends, each from different families, different backgrounds and different circumstances it became clear to me that yes we are indeed blessed, the "society" that we belong to really does bring "relief" I am not perfect in fact I am the farthest thing from it but I am indeed guided by those who want me to strive to be so, I feel like tears are litterally shed by those who sacrifice so much for me so that I am not lost that I am not alone that I am taken care of. crazy as it seems I truely believe that these things actually happen. i'm not saying I don't have rough days, months or even years, all I am saying is there is someone out there somwhere that is ready to serve me, to love me unconditionally, and to try to find me when I am lost! Amazing isn't it! I don't even feel like I am coming down off a spiritual high I just feel like everything that I have always known is being confirmed daily.I am so lucky to be a part of the family that I am a part of and I feel like(quite possibly for the first time in my life) that I am in the right place at the right time! This is a good place to be, maybe a little bit scary but a good place no less. I know there will always be ups and downs but, I will always have the knowledge somwhere deep inside me that things are looking up, getting better and I have a big brother to carry me in the times that i need Him to.I will now getoff the soap box that I have and I realize that this blog is nothing more then words for me to have, theat once i publish this post it gets lost in cyberspace and the only one reading is me. that's enough, that's all I need to know that I can come back to this day and remember that I at onetime ion my life was in the right place at the right time. Good Night*hopefully I will soon figure out how to post pics and all that goodness so I can also have the memories of why I knew the thing I typed.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

So, I realize that maybe I am a cynical person, but its official...I hate people! Yep! I know most people who know me, know I feel this way but the truth is people suck! Is there nice people out there? Is there hope for my sweet baby girl. How will she survive it? Is there any good in mankind? Hopefully I will see it...someday!!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Have you ever had one of those days where you miss someone so much it simply hurts? I think I am there today and I can't figure it out. Its so random and bizarre. I am happy here, there are things that could definitely be better burt why do I always tend to go back to the what ifs of it all? So many things to think about when you have time during the day (which I don't think I ever have had until recently) makes me want to be a better person, example and everything so I am in the right place at the right time and all the things I don't understand will be eventually understood. Eventually I will see the error of my ways and feel guilty but for now, for this moment, I wonder what might have been? If I had made different decisions? If I had been more righteous? If I made sure people knew that I know I am a daughter of God? Where would my family and I be? Who would we be? Crazy thoughts ! Anyway thats all good night!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Today as I think about the events that made such a huge effect on our country I also try to remember the effects it had on me and I wonder has it effected the person I have become? I realize that I am a person who tends to not trust people. I wouldn't by any means say that occured on the day of September 11, 2001 but because of a series of events that have happened to me over my life time from my years in high school and on. I find myself wanting to share me with less and less people. Those of you that know me and I mean really have a sence of who I am probably are confused at this moment but those of you whom are my friends I thank you and my Heavenly Father each day that some how you found me, you somehow broke through the mirage that I put out there and became someone that I can trust and that I truely care for. I thank the Lord daily for the blessing of the friends and family that I have to do as much.I constantly think of the song "where were you when the world stopped turning" adn I litterally cry each and every time I hear it, I think of day that changed the fate of our country and I wonder what could or can I be doing daily to be the best that I know how, to be the daughter that my parents raised, to be the wife and mother that my husband and daughter deserve and ultimatly to show that I truly belive that I am a daughter of God. How can I be a better sister, friend, wife, mother. I pray for strength not only for me and my family but those that I have chosen to call my friends and that have so generously called me the same. Now I am rambling on but I am so grateful for the men and women who serve this Country, with out a second thought, I am humbled by those who are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for me and my family and I pray daily for those soldier and there families. I only hope that one day I too can be so brave and stop being so selfish and sacrife more, want less, become a kinder and gentler person and most importantly teach Bryton how to be the women she can be but most importanly teach her that she too is a daughter, a princess of a Heavenly Father that loves her unconditionally.