Slap Judgment

I am writing, once again, to formally protest the decision-making and overall incompetence of the current Slap Bet Commissioner, Lily Aldrin. For someone who is supposed to act as an impartial arbiter, it seems all she does is side with her dopey, sausage-fingered husband. In short, she’s making a mockery of this hallowed slapstitution.

In what has become a chronic issue, this commissioner is wholly ignorant of many of the most sacred tenements of the Slapbook. Here are three simple and obvious rules that Lily recently “forgot”:

39.4 – A slapper shall not invent stories in an attempt to intimidate a slappee. Lily clearly allowed Marshall to violate this rule when he told us how he spent a year in China learning specialized techniques from three ancient slap masters who held mystical powers, including one who lived on a mountain shaped exactly like a hand. This was obviously a work of fiction… I’ve seen Marshall attack a carton of Kung Pao – ain’t no way he’d survive an entire year in China.

83.C – The slappee is entitled to one piece of lingerie from the slapper’s wife. I hesitate to even mention this infraction since the rule is so random and petty, yet I feel honor-bound to report Lily’s repeated failure to produce that leopard print thong I know she’s got stashed away in the bottom left drawer of her dresser.

112.18 – A slapper is forbidden from subjecting his slappee to any cruel or unusual punishment. In allowing Marshall to continue his prolonged tale, Lily also allowed Ted ample time to interject with unsolicited factoids about ancient China and its influence on modern urban architecture. And while being exposed to that sort of worthless dreck is most certainly cruel, it is sadly not unusual.

It is my sincere hope that upon receipt of this letter you will act swiftly to suspend Lily’s post until a formal inquiry can be made into this misconduct. When it comes time to levy an appropriate punitive action, something in the ballpark of a 30 second ta ta flashing would probably settle the score. Provided I get to take pictures, of course.