Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 13570
Location: Somewhere in a galaxy near you

Well, I can't top your letter for eloquence, but here goes:

Dear Santa,

I need a time machine/teleporter.
I will only use it for good (as I define good, anyway)
& if I have that I can anything else I may need for myself (sex, money, time)...

Come on, just give me the one you use for back up & I won't let the wrong people use it!

Your secret elf,
Zen

Tue Oct 30, 2007 7:54 pm

leprrkan

Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 5089
Location: In the home stretch...

It's on your comments too, but here ya go

Dear Santa,

I'm glad all is well. Don't worry, those red pants don't make your ass look fat at all. If you and the missus go on Atkins, please don't eat Rudolph or Blitzen, they're pretty and nice. You can munch on the others if you want, no one can name them all anyway, so who's gonna know?
I hope you and the elves got over your "labor disputes". By the way, how do they like being outsourced to India?
Well, I've been decent this year. I swore a bit and all that, didn't kill anyone that was a Republican or a Conservative, and I prayed to Dick Cheney's picture every morning, so I'm good.
As for my list, I really only have one thing I want to ask for: when George W Bush arrests the AG and sends him to some Eastern European shit-hole for a little chat with the DHS fellas, can I have his iPod?

Thanks big guy,
leprrkan_________________"Jesus... is NOT a zombie... I shouldn't have to tell you that."

- "Bones"

Tue Oct 30, 2007 8:01 pm

disco

Joined: 09 Mar 2004
Posts: 243
Location: The Enchanted Mitten

Dear Santa,

That letter from the Author Guy? Yeah, I want what he wants. Well, except that for me you can skip the crying baby thing. I wasn't on that flight so I got no beef with the brat, I'll just have to trust him on that one. Oh, and make mine an iPod Touch with all the Evil Dead movies and everything ever done by Townes Van Zandt, Guy Clark and John Prine. Especially John Prine.

-disco

Tue Oct 30, 2007 8:02 pm

zevon

Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 761
Location: SoCal

Dear Santa

I only want 2 things for Christmas:

1) A complete collection of Christopher Moore books - all 250 of them.

What's that you say, he's "only" got 10?

Well that brings me to request #2...

Your Pal,
Z

Tue Oct 30, 2007 8:03 pm

sgt_steve

Joined: 18 Jan 2005
Posts: 5197
Location: Michissippi

Dear Santa:

Much like our A.G, I've been really good this year. You probably already know, but just to hit the high spots:

lots of hours on the phone with my buddy Nate who's having the same Guy Stuff scary medical problems I had last year

changing diapers even when I could have pulled grandparental rank and handed the baby back to her mom

haven't made nearly as much fun as I could have of the student temps at work, even when they dress up as catgirls (and we're talking the guys here, Santa: super-easy targets)

only handed out one remedial nudity sentence at the Boardello, then suspended it

The AG has asked for a whole bunch of really cool stuff that will benefit us all, and he's been real good what with writing all the funny books and keeping all those people happy, so you really ought to give him what he wants. I've been good on more of a local level, so what I'd like is for you to save Michigan from it's legislature. Those bastards are bound and determined to turn this place into Michissippi, and that's not what I want my grandkids to grow up with. The next election is coming up, and I'd like

every incumbent state Senator and Representative to lose in the the primary

every candidate spend sixty days teaching school in rural Alabama and Mississippi so they know what they're doing by cutting school funding

every candidate spend sixty days using the state web pages to look for jobs instead of being able to go to the former unemployment offices

every candidate spend sixty days working the emergency wards in Detroit and in the Upper Peninsula so they can understand that poor means poor, no matter your color or residence

every candidate who is opposed to abortion "to save the children" required to adopt six infants without being able to choose race or health. Oh heck, let's make it six per year

every candidate who is opposed to funding public transport be made to either ride a bus to the legislative offices or walk to work, not to mention back and forth to their districts

every candidate who is opposed to sex education have to provide a year of free child care to a 14-year-old mother

and during that whole period, have to feed and house a family of four on the minimum wage.

I don't know if we'd actually get better politicians as a result, but we'd sure get more humane one.

And if you'd do that at a national level too, well, I'd owe you decades of good boyness. Well, not the kind you get from the catgirl boys at work, just good deeds and that sorta stuff. But hey, if you're willing, I'm willing. It's a small price to pay.

Your friend,

Steve

Tue Oct 30, 2007 9:34 pm

Wingnut

Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 2602
Location: Nanaimo, British Columbia

Dear Santa;

I've been a good boy this year - as in most other years, with one or two exceptions. I got a great job last December (I believe I may have mentioned that in LAST year's letter) and I am still enjoying it a great deal. Making maps is probably one of the coolest jobs going, and the pay is pretty good, as I work for the Government.

Speaking of pay, here's what I'd like for Christmas this year: MORE of my actual pay check.

- I work from Jan.1 to sometime in mid-July just to pay taxes - income tax, sales tax, property tax, etc.

- I pay $620 bucks a month for my student loans. To the Government. Who I work for. I will be paying that amount for the next ten years. There is no room for negotiation on that loan - that IS the lowest payment.

- Because of the above mentioned loan payment, I can't get a mortgage - not even a little one for an old condo. Nor can I get a loan for a new car - or, better yet, motorcycle.

Admittedly, the loan thing is my fault - I'm the one who started University at age 30 and lived almost entirely off of student loans for 5 years. And I do have a great job to show for it. As far as that goes, I'm pretty happy.

Awww fuck it. If I had more money, I'd only spend it anyway.

So how about you just throw a bit of world peace out there, and some lower carbon emmisions, and maybe eradicate the mountain pine beetle that's gnawing it's way through my Province, and we'll call it even?

All the best, and say 'Hi' to Mrs Claus, and Rudy and the gang up there in waterworld. Sorry I don't have any spare room in my freezer to rent out to a homeless polar bear, but you have to admit, they are pretty big.

Sincerely,
J._________________"Smacking yourself with a thawed meat-hammer never has a desired effect." - Jinxted

"Life's too short to get wrapped around the axle about the little things." - SK

-The First Law of Geography: Everything is Connected to Everything Else.

Tue Oct 30, 2007 11:25 pm

Lisa M

Joined: 08 Jul 2004
Posts: 1844
Location: Rhode Island

Dear Santa:

You have recently received a missive from the AG, aka Chris Moore. Since he has covered the really important stuff in a most erudite manner (especially the crying baby), then I think I can safely go on to personal stuff. Also, since I know things get really hectic for you towards the end of December, you can dispense with my list say, mid-Novermber, somewhere around the 16th. Or even tomorrow, for item number 1.

1. A job. I'd really like to have a job. I am dropping off an application at Barnes & Noble today. Good mojo from you would be a great help.

2. Something to incapacitate my ex-sister-in-law. Maybe arrange to have her abducted by aliens. The kind who perform experiments. And will keep her.

3. Whisper in my dog's ear that digging out of the room through the carpet is not acceptable behavior. Also, just because she can't see me doesn't mean I won't comeback. Chill.

4. Good health to family and friends.

That's about it. Everything else is pretty trivial.

Thanks,
Lisa

p.s. Regards to Mrs. S, the elves, reindeer, et. al.

Wed Oct 31, 2007 5:22 am

knikkki

Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 3145
Location: Davis, CA

This is so good. This should be in the Chronicle ... is it already? More people need to read this.

1, 9 and 12 are my favorites.

If I were to ask Santa anything at this point, it would be to help my kid find a way to be happy, which would be a big downer for everybody, so I'll leave it between me and my new non-insurance accepting therapist.

Oh, and maybe just to ban Bluetooth headseats all together._________________My BookMy Myspace

Wed Oct 31, 2007 7:02 am

Jillopy

Joined: 20 Mar 2006
Posts: 2683
Location: Illinois

Dear Santa,

I look forward to the solar electric cell and condoms.

Love,
Jill_________________Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Wed Oct 31, 2007 8:08 am

Lib

Joined: 16 Apr 2004
Posts: 3423

Dear Santa,

Hope things are okay in your neck of the tundra. I’ve been fairly good this year. Let’s just forget about the incident with the waffle iron shall we?

My Christmas Wish List this year…

1. World peace or if it’s easier, people smart enough to at least vote for someone that can speak and think at the same time. At least the think part, okay?

2. A new waffle iron…you know why.

3. A winning lottery ticket for the Indiana Lotto jackpot (let this be an early one…as it is really big now).

4. An ex-husband that will actually realize that his actions can hurt his son. And yes, that means telling his current wife he’s not going to help pay for her nephew’s college (to an Ivy League school) instead of paying for his son’s after saying he would.

5. In case you can’t handle #4, see #3.

6. Chocolate

7. More chocolate

8. I don’t know if you can do it, but I wish you could get people to use their turn signals. Otherwise, I might have to ask for a new car next year.

9. A bookstore.

Keep warm (inside the workshop not outside)…

Lib_________________Book: A garden carried in a pocket. Arabian Proverb

Dear Santa, I've been a very good boy
A better boy you couldn't conceive
For a glowing testimonial, ask
My boyfriend if you don't believe.

I know this world is in trouble
Wars from the Nort to South Poles
So I would like some new world leaders
To replce these fucktard assholes.

I've been having money trouble too
Therefore I am forced to ask
For a million in small unmarked bills
For you, thats not a difficult task.

My health has not been good of late
So I'll trade you some hash brownies and beers
Instead of cookies and milk
If I can live for a thousand more years.

The aforementioned cool million dollars
Will buy the rest of my list
But if I don't get a"Young Indiana Jones" DVD
Believe me, I will be seriously pissed.

Thank you.

Joe
(Good boy extaordinaire)_________________"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

There are a few things that I would like for Christmas but most of those things involve what I want for you.

First I would like to say that your weight is a problem and gives an unhealthy perspective on jolliness. The idea of being fat and happy is, or should be, long gone. Cut down and be a good role model otherwise we may have a place for you in a nice cell in Cuba.

Second, stop smoking. I have seen the illustrations of you making the toys for the boys and girls of America while puffing on a pipe and it worries me. Smoking is a dirty habit. I also would like to be reassured that you are only smoking tobacco in that pipe. I have seen a recent report from some field agents in the DEA stating that binge eating, also known as the munchies, is a side effect of marijuana. This again is not being a good role model for the youth of America.

Thirdly, I feel that your criteria for giving out presents are a little vague. Judging people on purely two aspects of life, good and bad, can be somewhat baffling. There are a lot of grey areas in life where a person could be doing good but may need to do some bad things to reach the goodness. In other words, the end justifies the means. Remember that if you find yourself in a cell next to a man named Abdul or something like that.

In conclusion, you have been a role model for American youth for many years and I would like for you to continue to be. However I must say with the complete backing of the justice department that I find some of your behavior bad for children. The health department and justice department along with homeland security will be sending out agents to review your actions over the year and if you do not meet a previously agreed upon set of goals we will have to review those goals again. If these goals are not met then you will find yourself only delivering presents to Canada, Europe, and South America.

God bless America,

Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General

PS. I would like a train for Christmas but please not from an elf from China. I don’t want my grandchildren to get lead poisoning._________________I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes. -HST

Wed Oct 31, 2007 9:17 pm

fortune cookie

Joined: 18 Mar 2006
Posts: 10534
Location: Easy street

Dear Santa,

It's me. How is Mrs Claus? Does she ask about me anymore?
I know you didn't believe the whole "tripped and fell" story and we both
know better about the "good boy" stuff. So here's the deal.
While I haven't necessarily been good, I haven't been as bad. That should count for something.
What and how much I'm not sure. I'll let you determine that.
My point is I've made an effort. So, I"m hoping you might see your way to
granting me a gift.
Send Bush hunting with Cheney, or send them both to Iraq, sans any security support.
I know I asked for that last year, but all I
got were the jacket with the razor lined cuffs and penis sharpener.
I almost thought you were holding a grudge. Anyway thanks for listening,
give the missus my bes...uh, you know what I mean.

Ed.

P.S The Reindeer lie!
Besides, we both know Vixen was asking for it._________________We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood.
But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there." Dana Gould