You might think that Marxists are always grim, that they have no sense of humor. Not so! Dialectical materialism really tickles the funny bone. Good Comrade Bertell Ollman has put together some real Marxist knee-slappers for the workers enjoyment at his Dialectical Marxism website. So sit back and prepare to laugh away your cares and that pesky alienated feeling through jokes, Marxist style. . . now heeeerrre's Bertell!~Radical Jokes

("Radical" means to get at the roots of whatever is being described, and the roots of our society lie in the capitalist relations that structure and hence loosely determine—whether directly or indirectly—all that happens to us in this society. Jokes are radical when they reveal something important about these little understood relations and criticize their effects on our lives.)

A young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?""We don't have any coal", he says."But why is there no coal?", she wants to know."Because I lost my job", he replies.Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why did you lose your job?"To which he answers, "Because there is too much coal".

* * *Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"Employee: "Thanks, Dad".

* * *Question: How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Answer: None, since we don't need capitalists to screw in light bulbs or any thing else that really needs doing in our society.

* * *Capitalism is a lot like an airplane in which the pilot announces to his passengers that he has two pieces of news to tell them. The good news is that they are traveling at the pre-established speed of 600 miles an hour and all the systems on the plane are functioning perfectly. The bad news is that they are lost.

(I've added the qualification "a lot" to the joke, because even capitalism's "systems" are not functioning all that well lately.)

* * *A capitalist is walking through his factory with a friend.Friend asks, "What did you tell that man just now?""I told him to work faster", answers the capitalist."How much do you pay him?" asks the friend."Fifteen dollars a day" answers the capitalist."Where do you get the money to pay him?" asks the friend."I sell products", answers the capitalist."Who makes the products?" asks the friend."He does", answers the capitalist."How many products does he make in a day?" asks the friend."Fifty dollars worth", answers the capitalist."Then", concludes the friend, "Instead of you paying him, he pays you thirty-five dollars a day to tell him to work faster"."Huh", and the capitalist quickly adds, "Well, I own the machines"."How did you get the machines?" asks the friend."I sold products and bought them", answers the capitalist."And who made those products?" asks friend.To which the capitalist can only respond—to his friend, but also to the media and to the schools—"Shut up! He might hear you".

(Remember, I didn't say radical jokes had to be very funny to be radical, or to be jokes.)

* * *A group of workers enter the boss's office and tell him that they have just taken over the factory. "You can't", says the boss. "I own it""And how did you come to own it?" asks one of the workers."It was left to me by my father", says the boss."How did he get it?" asks the worker."He got it from his father", says the boss."And he?" asks the worker."From his father", says the boss."And he?" persists the worker."He fought for it", says the capitalist in a burst of familial pride."Well", say the workers, all together this time, "We'll fight you for it".

Heres a little KGB anecdote on the Soviet State out of Aleksei Myagkovs Inside the KGB-

---The son of a highly-placed Party official did not work well in school. He had particular difficulty studying the state structure. He could not get in his head the significance of different conceptions like the Party, the Motherland, the trade unions and the people meant. All was in vain; his son did not understand. Then the father decided to use practical methods. "Well," he said, " I am the Party, your mother is the Motherland, your grandmother is the trade unions and you are the people." And with the help of this illustration, he began to explain everthing from the beginning. But the son still did not understand. Furious, the father put his son in the corner as punishment for several hours. Later, he forgot about him. All this took place in the bedroom unfortunately. During the night, the father started to make love to his wife. Watching from his corner, the son remebered his grandmother asleep next foor and thought to himself: "What a life! The Party rapes the Motherland, the trade unions sleep and the people have to suffer!"

in 2005, he became President of the International Endowment for Democracy (I.E.D.), a new foundation that seeks help from people throughout the world to bring real democracy to the country that needs it most, the U.S.A.

A Marxist professor is walking through his classroom with a friend.Friend asks, "What did you tell that student just now?""I told him to work faster", answers the Marxist."How much do you pay him?" asks the friend."Nothing -- he pays me" answers the Marxist."Where does he get the money to pay you?" asks the friend."His father", answers the Marxist."Then", concludes the friend, "Instead of you paying him, his father pays you to tell his son to work faster"."Huh", and the Marxist quickly adds, "Well, I own the knowledge"."How did you get the knowledge?" asks the friend."I read books", answers the Marxist."And where did you get those books? Couldn't he get the same books at the library and read them for himself without having to pay you to brainwash him?" asks friend.To which the Marxist can only respond—to his friend, but also to the media and to the schools—"Shut up! He might hear you".

A young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?""We don't have any coal", he says."But why is there no coal?", she wants to know."Because I don't work", he replies.Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why don't you work?"To which he answers, "Because the system is unfair and all my labor will result in wealth production for the bourgeoisie."To which she replies, "Dad, you sure are a selfish asshole."

* * *Politbureau member to worker: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this state-run company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a distributor, after that assistant local director, then local director. What have you to say about all this?"Employee: "How come I don't get paid?"

***************

Question: How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Answer: None, since we don't have light bulbs right now.

***************

Communism is a lot like an airplane in which the pilot announces to his passengers that he has two pieces of news to tell them. The good news is that they are traveling at the pre-established speed of 600 miles an hour and all the systems on the plane are functioning perfectly. The bad news is that they are changing course to Siberia.

(I've added the qualification "a lot" to the joke, because communism's "systems" are not functioning all that well lately.)

* * *A group of workers enter the boss's office and tell him that they have just taken over the factory. "You can't", says the boss. "the State owns it""And how did the State come to own it?" asks one of the workers."It was left to the State by our father Lenin", says the boss."How did he get it?" asks the worker."Like this", says the boss, as he draws his blade across the workers throat.

I have never seen a dot matrix website before. I believe Comrade Bertell Ollman used the People's Font to his advantage on his website. By the way, I did the "Dance of the Dialectic" once when I forgot to take my Dilantin.

I do agree that all these wealthy people didn't deserve their money. Just look at the list of wealthiest human beings -- Bill Gates, the Ikea guy, Oprah, Warren Buffet -- they all got money for nothing! They never interrogated a subversive. They never poisoned a rival. They never killed their way to the top and nationalized an oil company! Where do they get off?

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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