Saturday, October 13, 2012

The Prodigal Son: A Fairy Tale?

There
once was a footballer, let’s call him Zlatan Ibrahimovic, or “Ibra” for short.
He was a wanderer, kind of a Mary Poppins of
Football™. He spent anywhere from 1-3 years at each club, blessing them
with his awesomeness. That is, until he came to a club that we’ll call “Milan.”
Something was different about this club. His awesomeness was a perfect fit, and
he and his family were very happy there. He made it clear that he wanted to
stay beyond his average of two years, and even obtained the promise of the evil
emperor’s advisor that he would not be banished.

Had the Mary Poppins of Football™ left too soon?

But
the evil emperor, let’s call him “Berlusconi,” did not manage well his
fortunes, and together with his advisor, we’ll call him “Galliani,” schemed to
profit from Ibra by selling him to a neighboring land called “Ligue 1” and a
kingdom called “PSG.”

The
emperor claimed to have sold his finest asset due to a decree called “Financial
Fair Play,” but he was foolish and vain and did not understand that the decree wasn’t
about decreasing his wage bill, but rather a comparison of profit vs. loss that
defined this "FFP." Despite being warned by his daughter, the empress Barbara, about the probable negative aspects of this sale, he smugly bragged about how much money he had saved by selling the incomparable
Ibra.

Not the Milan everyone knew and loved

He
failed to realize the error of his ways, however, until well after the season began. Ticket sales plummeted, cutting
the club’s income to drastic levels. So drastic, in fact, that they were the
lowest ticket sales ever under his 26 year reign. The sales of the royal jerseys also dropped, as
the players he purchased to replace Ibra and others who left the club did not
perform well and were much less popular. And of course, there were the results.
Without Ibra’s magic, the club started its season with its worst results in
over 80 years. Meanwhile, in the land of PSG, Ibra had scored nine goals in
seven games and was as magical as ever.

There
was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land of Milan. The
suffering of the people fell on deaf ears, as rumor after hopeful rumor was
dashed by the evil emperor and his advisor. Would they sell the club? No. Would
they bring in investors to help with the financial crisis? No. Sack the coach
and bring in someone new? No. Spend big in the next transfer window? No. With
what money? You see, the sale of Ibra was not actually a move made for the decree of FFP, it
was actually a desperate act to balance the books and cover the epic financial
incompetence of the emperor and his advisor. And they had no plan to correct their evil ways, either.

Ibra pleaded to be able to return to his club, his home, his family

Meanwhile,
in the kingdom of PSG, Ibra kept saying nice things about Milan. Usually, he
would have moved on from his past club and that would be it. Sometimes, he would be
critical of former managers, players, etc. But this time, it was different. He
kept talking abut how much Milan had meant to him, how well he liked the club
and the other players, how he missed his Milan family. Naysayers wouldn't believe it, calling him a mercenary and writing him off.

Then
one day, he came out and said that he normally wouldn’t return to former clubs,
but that he would like to return to Milan. That’s right, he would like to be
the Prodigal Son.

Milan
fans wept and indicated that they would welcome him back with open arms. And
why not? He was such a dominant player that he could carry a whole team on his
shoulders. And with the results so far this season, even the most skeptical fan
would want him to return to help restore the club’s dignity and status in the
league. Some fans went so far as to go to the offices of the advisor and place
a sign which read “Give us back our Zlatan.”

What joy and celebration in the land when the Prodigal Son returned

What
followed was your typical fairy tale ending. Milan continued to suffer in the
league. Despite sacking the manager,
they simply lacked the quality of players needed to be competitive, and
finished the lowest in the table that they had under the emperor’s reign. This
led the emperor to concede defeat and sell the club to a new, rich and
benevolent ruler at season’s end. The new owner wisely reinforced the club, and
personally went to the kingdom of PSG to negotiate the return of Ibra.

The
club prospered. The Prodigal Son had returned, and with him also ticket sales,
jersey sales, and success in the league. With smarter management, the club
actually fit into FFP rules despite their higher wage bill, and subsequently
won their 19th league title.

And
they lived happily ever after. The End.

The moral of this story is to hang on to a
good thing when you find it. Well that, and never fall in love with a team led
by corrupt leaders.