A blog about being asexual in a sex – saturated world

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I’ve been thinking about the post I made a few days ago “Why Does Sexuality Affect Everything?” and it got me thinking of the fact that I didn’t make my Debutante when I was sixteen and why. The truth is, I think the heteronormative nature of the event scared me off. Would have I been more comfortable if members of the same – sex could of it together? At that time, probably not.

2005 was a roller coaster year for me. That was when I realised that I was different in that regard, and for about three or four years, it created a lot of turmoil for me. I deliberately tried to avoid everything to do with sexuality. I shut myself down from any conversation. I’d let people talk about it if they wanted to, but frankly, I think it was quite easy to see when I became uncomfortable.

Do I regret not doing my Deb? Not really. It just wasn’t for me. I’ve got nothing against other people doing it, it’s just not for me.

TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions sexual and other violence as well as discrimination and bullying. Proceed with caution if this is triggering for you.

I first saw this image on Facebook today and it got me thinking about Aphobia and how it could be defined. When I saw this image and read the text within it, frankly, I think most of the content was bordering on politically correct. I think we should be aware of and steer away from pettiness and unnecessary victim mentality and the demonising of others. So, what is Aphobia and how should it be defined?

Sexual and gender minorities, including asexuals, do face persecution and discrimination worldwide. I have read that asexual people can find themselves more vulnerable to being sexually assaulted in the foeprm of ‘corrective’ rape. Sexual orientation (or perceived sexual orientation), is still a major subject of bullying in schools. Teenagers are often kicked out of home when they disclose their sexuality to their families, leaving them more vulnerable to physical and sexual violence.

For asexual people specifically, one of the biggest obstacles that asexual people face (from what I have read), is not being believed. Some have also been bullied at school because of their sexual orientation (usually homophobic – being “accused” of being gay). The last one can and does hurt. I have also heard of asexual people being discriminated against in housing based on their sexual orientation.

In my opinion, the paragraph above lists some examples of what should be listed as Aphobia. I think we should cut people at least a little bit of slack for not understanding what asexuality is and ask sometimes, bizarre questions. If we get asked an inappropriate question, then we should just (gently) say we won’t answer the question. Dare I say it, in reality, most people probably don’t mean to be malicious in those circumstances.

If we genuinely want to bring visibility and acceptance to sexual people, we can’t constantly have a victim mentality or make a habit of condemning people unfairly. Not everyone is going to be against us because of who we are. For the moment, like I’ve said before, I think we have to be open to questions since asexuality is not well – known yet (we’re getting there, I think).

Another thing – we need to stop creating factions amongst ourselves. I have seen some pretty heated debates on social media and certain people not made to feel welcome in groups and certain people have been unfairly shut up. This can’t happen. Sure, we will have disagreements, even heated ones, but we need unity. We need to be able to discuss topics with respect and let people find out who they are without ridicule and ostracism. Let’s stand together and aim to educate, not ridicule or demonise others.

Recently, there was a report In the paper from a city near where I live that reported on a petition to allow a girl at a local high school to allow her to bring her female partner to the school’s deb. The school ended up buckling under pressure and allowing the girl to bring her partner. Here’s the thing; the girl’s partner was forbidden from the deb, not because she was in a same – sex relationship, but because she was twenty – one and not a student at the school.

There have been other cases where a Year 12 student has taken their school to court for not allowing their same – sex partners to the formal on the grounds of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. As anyone who knows anything about me, even from this blog, it’s that discrimination makes my blood boil. However what I don’t understand is why sexuality has to be at the forefront of pretty much every debate we have. Why is sexuality almost always bought into the equation?

At my Year 12 formal, the issue of sexuality was never bought up or debated. I am so glad it went like that. There were partners and even groups that went to the formal together. Personally, I went with a male friend. It was so much fun! Why can’t it be that way? If a guy and girl who are friends want to go together to a formal, well fine. If two female friends (or male) want to go together to their formal, let them go their hardest. If couples want to go together (whatever genders), then fine. But it doesn’t always have to be about sexuality.

There are people in the world (Australia included), where people are discriminated against, bullied or even assaulted or killed on the basis of their sexuality. I don’t deny that. However, I don’t believe the examples I wrote above needs to be put in such a category. Formals, in my view aren’t about sexuality. They’re about celebrating a milestone,( i.e. finishing school). It’s about having fun with school friends, maybe for the last time, at least for a while. Bothy formalism (and deb balls traditionally), signify entering adulthood and everything that it’s going to entail. That’s got little to do with being straight, gay, bi, pan ace, etc.

I have argued before that schools should be aware and supportive of students of all orientations. All students should feel safe and supported, no matter who they are. But sexuality shouldn’t, in my opinion, always be an issue. Why can’t friendships be given equal consideration.

Another thing, gay rights activists and the liberal media or themselves no favours spreading false and, quite frankly inflammatory information. It’ll only backfire on the LGBT community, if it hasn’t already. Yes, advocate for just treatment, for the end to discrimination, but spreading misinformation and starting arguments that don’t need to happen aren’t going to help anyone.

When I was a child, I loved the twentieth century fairy tales, especially Disney’s ‘Cinderella’ and ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’. Like many other girls, I liked the idea of falling in love, loved making myself up and wanted to find my ‘happily ever after’.

Not surprisingly, things have changed. I understand that some women still try and aim for their romantic ‘happily ever after’, but it doesn’t apply to me anymore. Sure, I want some concept of the ‘happily ever after’, but frankly, I don’t know exactly what that means for me.

A few weeks (days?) ago, blogger Acetheist wrote posts about ‘non sexual, non – romantic’ relationships (great posts by the way). It got me thinking about relationships in a different light. It got me thinking about queer – platonic relationships and whether I’ll eve have one.

I have always been affectionate. For the past three or so years, I thought that maybe I was grey – romantic rather than straight out aromantic. But is a romantic relationship what I want? Maybe a ‘non – sexual/ non – romantic’ is right. It sounds lovely, however tumultuous it may be.

One thing about queer platonic/ non sexual/ non – romantic relationships that are somewhat more than platonic (mouthful I know), are those relationships ever ‘exclusive’ like sexual/ romantic relationships often are or are they always ‘open’ if you like? Is the other person, especially if one person isn’t an asexual (or aromantic for that matter), free to look for a relationship on the outside?

If you have any experience in non – sexual/ non – romantic relationships, feel free to leave a comment.

There has been a shift among some Christians, not just on issues like gay marriage, but sexuality as a whole. In the US, there seems to be a bit of a backlash against the purity movement and a move of opinion in some circles as to whether sex is solely meant to be dons in a legal marriage. Here’s what I believe on the issue.

I think the problem with the purity movement and Evangelical, as well as Catholic circles is that ‘purity’ has been translated to mean, ‘be asexual until your married’. Furthermore, in a number of youth groups, the cloud of ‘sex’ and ‘lust’ is essentially put over kids’ heads and they’re expected to ignore it. How’s that suppose to work, exactly? Wouldn’t it make more sense to get boys and girls to talk about respect in general? Talk about a wider scope of male – female relationships? Telling people just to ‘wait until marriage’ just seems to be not working.

I want to shout a warning to the far Left of Christian circles – please, please don’t make people feel like people HAVE to have sex. Please don’t feed more pressure to people, just on the other end of the spectrum. (By the way, I want to acknowledge the creator of the blog ‘Chrch and Sex’ for creating a post acknowledging asexuality – thank you). If people truly believe that they are to remain celibate or wait until marriage, then those people need to be accepted and encouraged by Christians, not criticised.

My overall view is that it’s not up to everyone else on whether people should have sex or not. Acknowledge your sexuality, yes, feel pressured to act out sexually, no. I truly believe that people. Christians and non – Christians should live by their convictions. Telling people that they should have sex is as flawed as forcing people to remain celibate. That’s my take on it.

When I saw the episode of Winners and Losers, I cried. It was just after I came out to my cousin. That was when I realised what love meant. The bond that the three girls, Frances James (Virginia Gaye), Sophie Wong (Melanie Vellejo) and Jenny Gross (Melissa Bergland) have is such a beautiful and rare thing. Friends since high school, in mid twenties, their relationships survive break ups, cancer scare of a parent (Jenny’s mother Trish, played by Denise Scott), and many other trials. Yet, their friendships survive and thrive through it all and even more.

This particular episode, especially where the 1927’s ballad was sung made me emotional because I realised what love is (at least at a messy human level). All relationships, whether familial, friendship, etc have their trials. In the end, truths about everyone come to light, both good and bad. People laugh, cry, get mad, yet, sometimes by a miracle, survive great storms. That is what we’re made for. Regardless of who you are, we all need different people by our side.

It is such a gift to have solid relationships. What I’ve been learning is to achieve the type of relationships you need in your life, you have to be willing to let people in. Those people who are worth your time will be the ones who will love you unconditionally.

Spoiler alert: Tonight (in Australia), a Michael Parkinson interview with former gold medallist Olympic swimmer Ian Thorpe will be televised at 6PM. And, according to blogger/ columnist Andrew Bolt, Thorpe admits that he is gay, despite denying it in the past.

Bolt goes on to say that it shouldn’t be an issue. But for thousands of people who are anything other than cisgender and straight ( including myself as an asexual), it’s still hard to not identify as straight. In fact, an incident in the AFL where a player was called the P word, made Thorpe even more reluctant to come out.

i have said before that I get why people are asking what the big deal is and have also argued strongly that, whether we like to admit it or not, homophobia/ bi phobia and Trans phobia are still common. The asexual community still deals with ridicule, invisibility, and at worst, violence. I do applaud Bolt’s attitude though. It would be nice if it was actually the case. It’s just not the reality… dare I say it… yet.

i would like for both the freedom to both come out to everyone without issue and also to not feel the need to come out. I would love for it to not bring uncertainty and fear for people who want to come out. I just honestly think we’re not there yet.