What Would Tyler Durden Do (10 сообщений)

“I'm a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, ‘Where are you? You should be home by now.’ I never place demands on him because I think he's a really talented man and he's putting something good into the world.” — Gweyneth Paltrow

Wow, that sounds like such a big fat lie from a lying liar who likes to lie a lot. Then again, Gwyneth Paltrow is not your average person. She’s better. Mirrors stretch just to catch her reflection. The soap bubbles actually sing to her in the shower. Babies, well, babies fucking hate her. But she’s still very special. Also, she’s obviously never heard Coldplay before.

Audrina Patridge has the mental processing power of bubble wrap, but she’s super good looking, which makes that first part irrelevant. Yes, attractive people always succeed and the world is unfair and blah blah blah. Suck it up, ugly people. When people pay attention to you, you’ll know it means they really like you as a person, not just a virtual fucktoy. So, there’s that.

A teen in North Carolina had her picture pulled from her high school yearbook because it was of her…and her son. Caitlin Tiller and her classmates were told to bring a prop that symbolized how they’d achieved the goal of graduation. Perhaps a football, a laptop, or a bong was more fitting than a little person that you pushed through your meat curtains. Caitlin said of her one-year-old son, “He helped me get to where I am today.” How a mistake conceived in the parking lot of a Chili’s helped her pass that trig final is a mystery. The school pulled the photo because they were afraid that it promoted teen pregnancy. I don’t know. I’m looking at Cailin and that baby and this might be the seven seconds of the day I’m actually not thinking about sex. Maybe the yearbook staff can take a picture of the 16-year-old mom and baby and put it on a condom wrapper you get with every yearbook. Boner killer win.

Myla Sinaaj is the chick who kind of looks a bit like Kim Kardashian who Kris Humphries ran to after he became the last person on the planet to realize that his wedding to Kim Kardashian was nothing more than a cynical plot to make money. Yes, she has brunette hair and big tits like Kim. Apparently, she’s also a whackadoo.

She's a habitual liar and dates guys and when they want to leave she claims she's pregnant or will kill herself.

I’m beginning to think Kris Humphries might just be a dumb fuck. I’m not sure what he got out of the divorce settlement with Kim Kardashian last week, but it was probably two sacks of Circus Peanuts and a red balloon. And he probably thought he won.

Here’s Mylaa on the beach this week in New Jersey modeling bikinis. Modeling in New Jersey just confirms she’s nuts.

Paris Hilton would make a great dictator’s wife. It’s not her built in sieg heil salute so much as her ability to stare blankly, smile, and wave to uninterested passersby in the street and pretend they are sdoring fans. She can speak for an hour on any topic and never leave an intelligible sound bite. And, if someday her husband’s head got cut off in a coup d’etat, she’d have no trouble swearing allegiance and hopping on top of the guy who took over. Plus, she loves shoes.

Here’s Paris outside the Wendy Williams show putting on her best Eva Peron.

It’s a known fact that Star Trek nerds will beat off to just about any sci-fi character with a vagina or cloacal sac of some type. The fanboy tug vault standards start and finish right at the ‘she’s not that fat and almost cute’ level. It’s why several thousand grown men living in their parents basement suffered cardiac arrest during the Battlestar Galactica run. It was just too much for them. Alice Eve in Star Trek Into Darkness may prove to be the same. If you see a fat dude vigorously Vulcan saluting himself during the movie, do not act surprised. Remind him that Starfleet Command requests that he stop beating his meat in a public venue. If he resists, invoke General Order 4 and punch him hard in his spleen.

I keep forgetting who Jessica Lowndes is. Then her tits show up and I look her up again on IMDB. I suppose that’s the power of a good bustier. It makes your search IMDB. Shit, I just forgot who she was again. Oh, wait, those amazing tits. Hang on.

Hide your kids, hide your wife because Antoine Dodson, “The Bed Intruder”, will not be crawling in the sack with dudes anymore, y’all. Remember Antoine Dodson? He was the flamboyant gentleman that rocketed to fame when he was interviewed by an Alabama news crew after an attempted sexual assault on his sister. The interview was so spectacularly silly and flaming that it was autotuned into a legitimate hit, The Bed Intruder Song, by The Gregory Brothers. Antoine has joined a weird religious group called The Black Israelites that claim to be the true descendants of the Twelve Tribes of Israel and has therefor sworn off dick. He states, “I want a wife and family, I want to multiply and raise and love my family that I create.”

The odds of him never touching another dude’s junk is about a bazillion to one. I know people in Huntsville, AL who have seen this guy at drag clubs and leather bars. You don’t just give that shit up. There is no nicotine patch for being gay. Just accept who you are and sing some more stupid songs, Antoine. Run and tell THAT, homeboy.

Here’s one thing I can tell you about the new Farrah Abraham Backdoor Teen Mom sex tape. Or, you know, what we used to call porn before sex tape became a better marketing angle. The semi-soft brained mom loves herself some lube. And, why not treat herself right? Despite dissing her male porn co-star James Deen as being unexpectedly undersized, Farrah also explains that the entire sex tape was not made for the viewers, but for her own little keepsake.

I personally hired people to do that so it's like a wedding video. You expect your wedding video to be good, not bad, so I think it's great and nobody else needs to see it.

Yep, you personally hired one of the world’s largest porn companies to make your ‘wedding video’. And then you put on your big girl thinking cap and built the marketing and distribution plans, drafted up the artwork, spent nights slaving away at Final Cut, and flew to the DVD boxing company in Malaysia to ensure proper packaging. All the while lubing your bung hole while James Deen was earning his paycheck from the aft. Some brides just want their wedding day to be perfect.

Let's play hypothetical – let's say that you're a 50-year old billionaire, and for the last five years you've been (presumably) happily dating a 42-year old supermodel, who is also incredibly wealthy and still manages to keep it tight. Then Leonardo DiCaprio comes along and he invites you to come party with him on his giant sex yacht that is filled with 20-year old, horny models that all left their tops at home and just can't stop giving people handjobs for shopping cash.

Do you – A) Stay faithful to your girlfriend? B) Tell her to hit the bricks, because you're Leo's BFF now? C) Buy an army of sex robots and conquer Australia? Well, while C is certainly the best option, Russian billionaire Vladislav Doronin is leaning closer to B for now, as the Daily Mail reported that his relationship with Naomi Campbell is on the rocks due to his party lifestyle and, more notably, his friendship with DiCaprio.

While I certainly feel for Campbell (seen above with DiCaprio and Doronin at the International Tiger Conservation Forum in 2010), she is well past due for her dating someone half her age phase, so this really just works out for everyone.