New Vatican Shadow LP slated for October; Dominick Fernow has not slept for years, eats only once a month

It’s been a big year for music: David Bowie decided to poke his head out after a decade of absence, new Oneohtrix Point Never is on the horizon as is new Tim Hecker,JAY Z and Kanye did, um, stuff, Ben Frost has gifted the world with a spate of new material, and now Dominick Fernow has finally slipped up and revealed that he is not human. It’s the only logical conclusion when one realizes that he’s been all over Europe having an unprecedented number of tour dates, yet still finds the time to keep the blood flowing for both Hospital Productions and Bed of Nails. Just the other week a new Rainforest Spiritual Enslavement landed, and, here’s a little secret children: that’s Mr. Fernow’s handiwork as well.

But the final nail in this coffin is the news (via The Quietus) of a new Vatican Shadow LP on the way. Eight new tracks of militant religious industrial ready to crank the gears of your brain back into motion. How is this flurry of activity possible for a human to accomplish? It’s not: Dominick Fernow is from the future, a far-flung evolutionary descendant of humankind sent back through time to teach us the meaning of love (and hate) and melt our ears. He does not need sleep, only takes sustenance when he truly desires it, and breathes twice a week — at exactly midnight on Wednesday and Sunday. He definitely still has sex, though; even future-people need to get their freak on. And what kind of lame evolutionary descendants wouldn’t keep mashing their bits together for fun?

So expect that later today the scientific community will be in an uproar over time travel and the future of humanity. But for the root of these discoveries, you’ll have to scurry out and buy Remember Your Black Day when it pops out October 21. All your questions will be answered, the future of humanity will be made cleared, and if you play it backwards there are hidden sex tips from the future that would make Cosmo writers blush.