I may not have the best dates ever, but at least they're the fastest

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Monthly Archives: July 2011

I was hoping that last week’s announcement would inspire all of you to bury my inbox with your blog-worthy dating embarrassments. I assume that hasn’t happened because you were busy celebrating Bastille Day. It can’t be that you haven’t been on horrifyingly awkward dates. ‘Cause that just wouldn’t be fair, given the number I’ve suffered through.

While we’re waiting, maybe the blog could be an advice column. Like where you give me advice. Does anyone know how to get my cat to stop pooping on the floor? It’s lucky I have a boyfriend, because otherwise that could be a real moodkiller on dates.

But, more seriously, some of you asked how I met this infamous boyfriend. No, he’s not a speed dater (we met online). In fact, his dating style is pretty much the opposite of speed dating, in which you pack as much conversation and self-promotion into five minutes as you can. I think we had been dating for about a month before he had done five minutes’ worth of talking. I’m exaggerating, of course, but I do think that silence, now that I’ve observed it, seems like a pretty clever strategy. I blathered on to fill the quiet and was so busy worrying about how ridiculous I sounded that I didn’t have time to judge his hair or shirt-buttoning or any of that other important stuff. I could never pull it off (until they invent some duct tape that looks like lipstick) but some of you naturally quiet types might want to give it a whirl.

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This month marks the second anniversary of Speed Dating Girl, and in honor of this momentous occasion, I have a confession to make. Speed Dating Girl is no longer a speed dating girl, and hasn’t been for months. Perhaps you noticed an increasing reliance on friends’ anecdotes and media reports in place of front-line reporting from the dating combat zone.

Yes, amazingly enough, it appears that all those adventures were leading to something other than volume discounts on speed dating– I am now Boringly Happy Girlfriend.

I could start updating you all every week on my relationship. But I’m afraid “Unexpected benefits of being a girlfriend” doesn’t have quite the same entertainment value as “Don’t say that.” Take this week’s edition, #17, for example: My boyfriend vacuumed the cat fur out of my living room! Some of you female readers probably just fainted in amazement at that image, but it’s not going to make anyone fall out of a chair laughing.

So what to do? I need your help, readers, to figure that out. Do you all have enough crazy dating stories to make SDG a user-generated universe? Or do you have some other ideas for how I can be a BHG in real life and an SDG on the internet? Tell me! Comment, email, or corner me in the office bathroom; in whatever form, I want your opinions.

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So we established last week that money and romance can be connected in unexpected ways. (Kiss a mugger today!) You’ll probably be a little less surprised by the concept of hot women dating rich guys. But even Speed Dating Girl, who thinks she’s seen everything (Don’t show that #1: gnarly scars on the first date), was a little shocked by a new Philly dating site.

As this article explains, the site connects men who are willing to pay for dates with women who will supply their dating services. Wait, you’ve already heard of that? It’s been a profitable industry for centuries? But you thought it was illegal in Pennsylvania? No, no, you’ve got it all wrong, according to a woman who gets paid to spend time with strange men and goes by the name DirtyDiana (seriously!).

According to its fans, the service is just helping to compensate women for the misery that is often entailed in a first date with a stranger. That, admittedly, is a concept that Speed Dating Girl could get behind– instead of the sadistic pleasure of humorously mocking her unsuccessful dates, she could earn cold, hard cash. It’s also pleasing how the name of the site, What’s your price? (NO, I’m not giving them a link), brings back memories of SDG’s favorite childhood TV show, “The Price is Right.”

But then she read about the degrading part of the process. (You thought we’d covered that already? Wrong.) See, the women’s earnings are set by a public bidding process based on how attractive they are. Now, SDG has no doubt that– especially with the help of Photoshop and facial blurring (which is allowed and makes you wonder how the whole system could possibly work)– she could come up with some hot pics.

But no. Riding on a schoolbus full of drunk people was acceptable. A boxing class described as a “MeetMarket” passed the filter. Even the Valentine’s Day lineup seemed briefly like a good idea. But this, it turns out, is the limit– Speed Dating Girl is too classy for that.