CHANNING TATUM IS THE WIGGERIEST SURFER

Dear John is the latest film adapted from a Nicholas Sparks novel (The Notebook, Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember, Nights in Rodanthe). I’ve never read one of his books, but I’ve heard they’re very popular among women who like to have a good cry for reasons not relating to fatness. In this one, directed by Lasse Hallström (Cider House Rules, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape) with a script by Jamie Linden (We Are Marshall), Channing Tatum plays a soldier who surfs and does other stuff that involves taking his shirt off, and meets Amanda Seyfried, a pretty college student who loves the way he occasionally mumbles stuff at her. But just as they discover they’re soul mates, he has to go kill bad guys. They write each other romantic letters every day that she covers in perfume and glitter and seals with a kiss from her vag lips. Then he comes home and they get married and live happily ever after, until she gets fat and he can’t hold a job on account of his PTSD. But Thursdays they do karaoke*.

Why is it so frakin romantic that people cant be together? I cant be with the Stath, but I’m not writing beautiful love letters covered in perfume, and…
Oh

By: Disassemble Number 5

10.15.2009 @ 1:40 PM

She’s pretty, but I wish someone would punch the blond off her tits.

By: Eibmoz

10.15.2009 @ 1:42 PM

I find Channing Tatum to be only slightly less manly than Wes Anderson.

By: Charlie Br0nze

10.15.2009 @ 1:46 PM

There looks to be a surfeit of sobbing in this tosh. There had better be tits.

By: RoboPanda

10.15.2009 @ 1:46 PM

“Our passion shall remain unrequited my love, for I must go live with a group of atheletic, clean-cut, lonely young men. What’s that? Was I smiling? Oh, I must have been thinking about all the romantic letters I’m going to be writing to you. Gotta go.”

By: Disassemble Number 5

10.15.2009 @ 1:47 PM

A more educated guess would be that this chick used to do her high school earth science teacher.

By: Chareth Cutestory

10.15.2009 @ 1:48 PM

Nugent auditioned after misreading the script as “John Deere.” Upon realizing the mistake, he punched the casting director and shoulder-rolled out the window.

By: Burnsy

10.15.2009 @ 1:51 PM

“Hey girl, um, I want to grab your titties or something.”

By: Moose

10.15.2009 @ 1:53 PM

The only writings he mails to her are his phonetically spelled rap lyrics slamming all the bitch-ass terrorists who be sippin’ on dat hatorade…fo’ realz, yo.

By: Jacktion!

10.15.2009 @ 1:59 PM

I hope Judd Hirsch will reprise his role from the TV series.

By: Burnsy

10.15.2009 @ 2:00 PM

“Hey girl, you like, wanna fuck?”

By: Chareth Cutestory

10.15.2009 @ 2:02 PM

Channing Tatum rides a HURRfboard.

By: Burnsy

10.15.2009 @ 2:07 PM

“Hey girl, like, I’ll get the car door for you, because you’ve got my jizz all over your hand.”

By: snake_plissken

10.15.2009 @ 2:07 PM

Fuck, Point Break 2 is GAY.

By: Moose

10.15.2009 @ 2:07 PM

Their relationship ends when she questions him about where he was the previous night and he busts her lip open for disrespectin’ him and gettin’ all up in his bidness.

By: DeFrank

10.15.2009 @ 2:16 PM

He talks just like my sister… when my dick’s in her mouth.

By: Stinky Peet

10.15.2009 @ 2:18 PM

Nicholas Sparks : novels :: Thomas Kincade : paintings

I’d kick them both in the balls if I could only get around behind them.

(…because they tuck… aw fuck it…)

By: GenePoolParty

10.15.2009 @ 2:18 PM

I thought we settled on fauxmeyist?

By: DeFrank

10.15.2009 @ 2:20 PM

This would be sweeter if they cast paul walker and called it “Into the John”

By: Burnsy

10.15.2009 @ 2:20 PM

“Hey girl, if your brother’s going to keep, like, asking me to play his Wii, I’m gonna knock him the fuck out.”

By: GenePoolParty

10.15.2009 @ 2:22 PM

Dear John From Cincinnati?

By: GenePoolParty

10.15.2009 @ 2:24 PM

Which reminds me I will never forgive HBO for forcing the demise of Deadwood to allow that abortion of a series to come out one year early.
/rant

By: ChinoMoreno

10.15.2009 @ 2:26 PM

A true wigger will not get anywhere near the ocean.

By: Fek'lhr

10.15.2009 @ 2:28 PM

Upon hearing the phrase “The Wiggeriest Surfer”, Tom De Falco suddenly stood up and yelled, “Boys, Galactus has a new herald! YES!!!”

feel free to ask for explanation

By: Fek'lhr

10.15.2009 @ 2:30 PM

Ugh, why do I have to be the the Trek guy, the MMO guy, the comic guy, the Magic guy, the Tolkien guy, the D&D guy, the…

By: Midget Ladyboy Hooker

10.15.2009 @ 2:47 PM

I’ll freely take up the Tolkien + D&D Guy mantle, if need be. But Trek, MMOs, comics and Magic? Get a life, fatty.

By: Moose

10.15.2009 @ 3:09 PM

If I’m in the mood to watch a wigger, I’ll go to the nearest Wal-Mart and do it for free.

By: Immortal 9

10.15.2009 @ 6:07 PM

I hoping at the end of the movie, Tatum’s character pulls a Jeremy Blake.

By: isabella

11.17.2009 @ 10:54 PM

Seems like neither one of you has ever been in love and that`s sad…Because life is different when you have someone to share it with; someone to be there for you every single moment you need him to…But no one can understand this unless he believes in love and I see you don`t!