Monday, February 27, 2017

The 20th anniversary of the TV version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is upon us, and already people are celebrating it in very interesting ways.There was a recent post in Bustle that shows how four authors would write books with Buffy, Angel, Xander, Willow and all the Slayerettes. Thing is, they are summaries of what happened on the show rather than how these writers would recreate specific scenes. For example, how would George R.R. Martin write about the climactic scene in "Prophecy Girl" where Buffy is brought back from the dead? Jon Snow would have nothing on her. Someone did find a post where Ayn Rand wrote a Buffy episode. At least that was funny and a better example.
Then there was video in YouTube where someone merges Hamilton with Buffy. It was taped last fall, but it's also a great example of recreating her in other ways.We also know if a Buffy reunion ever happened, David Boreanaz wouldn't be in it mainly because he's not a fan of reunions.However, there's a better idea:in 2006, someone thought it would be cool to write a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode five years after SyFy cancelled it. So? The movie Mike and the bots are seeing is none other than Serenity. Here’s the link to the webpage.

What if somehow Jonah and the updated bots got their hands on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...thanks to the TV Buffy we all know?

Considering Dark Horse may start producing MST3K comics along with Buffy and Angel, it would be the ultimate crossover, and might find its way in comic book form if not on Netflix.
The movie hasn’t been on TV lately, and was once used as filling for HBO and Sundance, so it’s a 3% chance it could happen for real. It's very certain the new MST3K won’t be like this (especially since it seems the Mads' new lair is on the Moon according to the latest trailer), but again it’s my version.By the way, I’ll take certain scenes from the movie, not the whole script.

The episode takes place two years after the events that wrapped up the Kickstarter season. Jonah, the riffer who lived, welcomes the viewers to the Satellite of Love and explains, for some unusual reasons, the satellite is back on Earth at the Gizmonic complex for needed repairs, and some things Kinga wants Jonah to handle in an area known as “Deepest 13”. (Let's just say Kinga and Gizmonics made a deal after something happened that involved "deep hurting"). He also says she told him they’re surrounded by 500 ninjas, ready to kill if Jonah tries to escape. He doesn’t believe it, but Crow and Servo make a break for it. They see what they think is a ninja and get scared, but it turns out to be a bush...that later walks away.

Kinga gets on the horn, and tells Jonah to go to Deepest 13 and add wi-fi to make it easier to make cell phone calls. He wonders whether these jobs are necessary, or if she's making him think being trapped in space is better. She says she doesn't care because she's the boss, and brags about sleeping on two beds of money ("Take that, Don Draper!").
He also says there are feral Mole People who have eaten her employees. “Hey,” Kinga says, “they weren’t eaten. Maybe they were nibbled on just a bit...or maybe they decided to join the Mole People considering the recent election and..”“Sorry, Kinga,” Max (aka TV’s Son of TV’s Frank) interrupts. “Someone’s fighting the 500 ninjas and beating them. Not only that, some of them are asking for her autograph.""HER?", Kinga barks. "If it's who I think it is, we may be in big trouble. Let's get to the ship, Max."

Jonah and the bots see what happening. Two people head towards the ship, and they happen to be Xander and Willow. They tell Jonah to relax, because their friend will be coming to ask for a favor. Of course, it’s Buffy.

She wants to make a special request, then Kinga arrives and demands what’s the meaning of this. One look at Buffy, though, and she backs off. Buffy apologizes, but she thinks that if Rifftrax won’t riff this movie, she wants MST to do it. She hands the DVD to Jonah, and he reads the title. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not you, right?", he says Crow asks if it’s because the original Buffy likes Donald Trump. TV Buffy says Kristy (Swanson) is entitled to her opinions which should be respected. She thinks that after all these years, despite doing well in that EW Super Heroes poll, a lot of people still think the idea of a teenage girl as a heroine is just silly. “Or a female hero, period?”, Crow asks"Hey," Willow says. "The latest Star Wars movies have settled that question, along with Agents of SHIELD, The Hunger Games,Wonder Woman, the WB....""You mean the CW?", Crow asks."Well, old habits die hard," Willow says. "Oh, and I do have powers which I won't use right now."
"Yeah," Crow says, "Are you suuuuuuure? (as she levitates him)".
Buffy says she and her friends always wanted to see how the MST crew would “deal” with this movie that's not really about her.
"Besides," she adds, "we have one thing in common: Dark Horse. Maybe there will be a comic book about this."

Kinga’s bothered by this, but she won’t challenge Buffy because of reasons she’d rather not mention. She does accuse Buffy of wanting to mock the movie because it somehow led to her being the Slayer.
Buffy says it wouldn't surprise her if Kinga is right, but she still wants to do it.
Kinga dares Buffy and her friends to riff on the first reel. They look stunned and worried, and accuse her of planning to make money out of this. She says, “What’s your point? How much do you want this?”Their answer: “When do we start?”

20th Century Fox fanfareXander: 20th Century Fox. Star Wars isn’t everything. Really.HEY, AT LEAST WE GAVE YOU DEADPOOL!Willow: If Fox merges with Disney, do we get free passes to Disneyland?
Buffy: We should at least be featured at California Adventure. OK, here we go....
“Since the dawn of man…”

Buffy: or about 25 years ago

She who bears the birthmark, the mark of the coven

Buffy: That’s not where my birthmark is

Trained by the Watcher, one Slayer dies and the next is chosen.

Olde Slayer: And I shall be His sword

Olde Watcher: Let Satan Tremble, the Slayer is born

Xander: So sayeth Lord John Fever!

Buffy: Well, we’ll see about that.

Luke Perry's name shows up in credits.Xander: 90210's bad boy, now Archie's dad on RiverdaleWillow: God, we're old, as Joel once said.

As Buffy and her crew go up the escalator, a boom mike is visibleXander: Whoops, they're being followed by a boom shadow.Movie Buffy: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I’m ever going to Spain anyway.

Willow: Maybe this is a first draft of Clueless.
Buffy: Well, it needs lots more Jane Austen, and where's Paul Rudd?

Buffy sees a yellow jacket Xander: From the Beatrix Kiddo Collection Kimberly (talking about the jacket): So five minutes agoWillow: This movie is so 25 years ago.Merrick shows upXander: That look is so 40 years ago, along with his stalking.He soon skulks away after spotting Movie Buffy Buffy: (sings) Where In The World Is Carl San Diego?

Benny: I can’t believe these people. We paid good money to see thisXander: Hey, we'll mock the movie, pal. You deal with being in it.

Movie Buffy bends over on top of one of the car doors outside the theater.

Andy: I don’t want to sound sexist or anything, but can I borrow her?Buffy: I never did that! I had parents. They argued, but they were there.

"And Lulu just can't get pregnant"Xander: Wasn't she 44 when this movie was made? Movie Buffy eating popcorn while her boyfriend tries to make out Willow: Is she wondering if there's something more to life? Xander: No, she's a cheerleader. Buffy: I was a cheerleader, almost...until that witch...Xander: We know.Movie Buffy dreams of Slaying in a previous life.

Buffy: Hey, where did this movie come from?Xander: Not so loud. You might scare it off.

She jumps through a window to nail a vampire
Buffy: Not exactly Wonder Woman, but I like her enthusiasm.Some vampires show up. Xander: Nobody expects the Undead Inquisition.Lothos: Oh, please, show me a real Slayer Xander and Willow (pointing at Buffy): Right here

Buffy: He can find out himself. They always do.

Amilyn: I have already begun building you a new family. Soon we will be legion.

Xander: Does it include Aubrey Plaza?

Amilyn: Rubies will drip from your lips.Buffy: Actually, everyone will be dripping from his lips

Movie Buffy and her crew talk about the upcoming danceWillow: We dressed like that? Buffy: The price we pay for laughing at our parents' clothes.Cassandra: What do you think about the Ozone layer?Movie Buffy: Yeah. we gotta get rid of that.

Willow: Future employee of Trump's EPA. Yes, I read the papers.Pikeand Benny show up. Benny puts a bunch of change on a trayBenny: What does it look like? Xander: What this movie made after home video.Willow: It made enough to lead to this. Hey, isn't that Ricki Lake?

Movie Buffy: You guys are thrashedPike: That would explain the slurred speechXander: and the slurred script, set design, cinematography…

Pike: I'm Pike. This is Benny.Movie Buffy: Pike's not a name, it's a fish.Xander: It's also a peak. Wanna...I better not finish that riff. Willow: Good idea, or we'd beat the Harvey Weinstein out of you. Xander: Or Bob Packwood. That was the go-to riff for a while.

Benny complains and lusts after Movie BuffyPike: You don’t even like her and you’d sleep with her, what is that?

Willow: Uh, being Matt Lauer?Benny: I got a news flash for you. One more shot of this and I’d have sex with you

Pike: Oh, yeah then you’ll never call me.Buffy: What is this, Dawson’s Pub Crawl?Merrick is seen driving

Xander: Why is Indiana Jones driving a Ford Escort?Merrick sees a drunk Pike on the groundXander: Bring out your stoned!Movie Buffy: (rehearsing a cheer) Take that ball to the hoop, hoop. OK.
Buffy: Now let's try to teach that to the basketball team.

Merrick: You should have been taught, prepared. Xander: But your name's Buffy, so why bother? Buffy: Hey, a Slayer by any other name still kicks vampire butt!Willow: That's our Buffy! Movie Buffy: My trust fund’s in a graveyard?

Xander: Hey, safer than Bitcoin.

Movie Buffy: Why don’t you just take the first runner-up, OK?Buffy: That doesn't work. I know, I tried.

Merrick: You must come with me now to the graveyard while there’s still time.Movie Buffy: Time to do what?

All: Yeah!Merrick: Time to stop the killing, to stop the vampires.

Movie Buffy: All right, let me get this straight, OK. You want me to go to the graveyard with you because I’m the Chosen One and there are vampires?

Buffy: This guy's elevator pitch needs work.

Merrick: You bear the Mark of the CovenMovie Buffy: What, that big old hairy mole? Ew, I had it removed

Buffy: (Yells at the movie) What kind of a Me are you? (realizes what she just said) AAAHHH! Thanks a lot, movie Movie Buffy: I was a slave

Merrick: In VirginiaXander: For 12 years?Kinga: OK, wrap it up, guys. I want my victims, er, crew to take over.Willow: Hey, one more scene, OK?Movie Buffy: How do you know all this? (talking about her dreams that he knows about)Merrick: Because it is your birthright and I am a part of it.

Buffy: You know, I once dreamed I was Erica Kane’s daughter.

Willow: That’s weird (as they leave)

Buffy: I know. My mom and I watch Days Of Our Lives.
Kinga: Don't give me that. You got Pine Valley written all over you.

Everyone admits the Scooby Gang’s riffing is quite impressive, "maybe too good" as Kinga says. "Well," Buffy says, "Kristy did the best she could being a new type of superhero, and Paul, uh Pee Wee, proved he could do more than be in a playhouse. Still, the movie isn't my story. There is a comic book that is more accurate, though. I have no issues with that.""Yeah, well, I have issues," Kinga says, while the others look at her strangely. "Well, the fact that others are in this riffing biz, especially that jerk Nelson. Stupid Rifftrax! Forresters are the masters of this, and I'm bugged you guys did so well."
"Well, we'll just have to top them," Jonah says."You better!", Kinga says. "So embarassing. Get to the theater, guys. Show them how it's done"

Movie Buffy: I can’t believe I’m in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a school night. Eeeew.Jonah: Yeah, who’d want to do that every Tuesday night?

Crow: You’d be surprised.

Cassandra is alone in a parking lot when she hears sinister laughter Servo: Uh-oh, the wind is calling her Maria. Buffy’s first vampire emerges from the grave with his arms above his head

All: TOUCHDOWN!

A female vampire emerges from her grave..

Crow: Let go of me, Uma Thurman.

Merrick battles with the vampire

Jonah: What is this, Undead Fighting Championship?Buffy kills her first vampire...when it bumps into her stakeServo: Hey, that's how Xander killed his first vampire. I remember the pilot.Buffy then kills the blonde vampire.Jonah: No! You killed Undead Debbie Reynolds Crow: That was Undead Carol Brady. Wait, that's bad, too.

Movie Buffy: They can’t come in unless you invite them in, is that true?Merrick: That’s true

Movie Buffy: Good

Crow: Yeah, you don't want to be attacked by the Vampire A/V Club

Buffy goes to bed and Lothos is there.Servo: Sleep like you’re dead to the world with the Lothos Eternal Rest Mattress(gives her a teddy bear) with automatic teddy bear dispenserShe wakes up and realizes she has a ribbon in her hair.

Jonah: Man, why do I keep gift wrapping myself?

Cassandra, though, is in Lothos’ lair: Who are you?All (singing): He's gonna bite you from a forklift!
Servo: That's how he levitated. Max told me.

Merrick’s in the locker roomMovie Buffy: What are you doing here? This is a naked placeJonah: Wait til the lockers get dressed, at least.Movie Buffy: Obviously somebody read their tea leaves wrong cuz I'm not your girl.
Servo: Was it Warren Beatty or Steve Harvey?
Merrick tosses a knife at Movie Buffy. She catches it.
Merrick: Bravo.Jonah: That proves nothing. She could be the chosen one for the L-A Kings.

Buffy: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing after vampires. All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and dieCrow: Well, who wouldn't want to be Mrs. Robot?

Jonah: Oh dear, the training montage. I wonder if it’s as bad as No Defeat No Surrender.

Murray: Don’t think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. No, think of me as Gary Murray, party guy.Crow: In The High Castle.

He’s stunned to see her spit out a thumbtack and impale a fly.

Jonah: I’m not sure what you’re taking, young lady, but do you get your Limitless pills from Bradley Cooper?

Pike: There's something going on around here. I don't know. Something real weird.
Zeph: Hey, what do you want me to do when I see Benny?
Pike: RunCrow: He hasn't showered since he joined the Undead.

Movie Buffy sings “Feelings” while searching for vampires.Jonah: Nice, sing a song that’ll make the demons slay themselves. Try something from Sublime

Buffy gets cramps because vampires are near

Crow: Again? She has the worst spider-sense ever.A vampire does show up, badly dressed.Servo: Adam Sandler?

Suddenly Kinga enters the theater and points at them, saying “There they are! Look at them being so rude to you.”

All: Joss Whedon? Jonah: Hey, this is a...

Joss; Never mind that. Are you three having a nice time mocking my masterpiece?

Servo: What are you talking about? Does that look like Dr. Horrible to you?Joss looks at the screen: I'm tempted to say something about Donald, but this is a family show, right?

Buffy (from behind): Hey, did your movie make me a Slayer, sort of?

Crow: Buffy, just repeat to yourself, it's just a show, etc,
Buffy: Oh, yeah...and I am, too. It's like how you talk to the Amazing Colossal Man during that movie.Servo: Yeah, like that. By the way, Joss, how did you know about this?Joss: Someone named Frank called me about someone mocking my greatness, and I said, “Who isn’t?”Kinga: You had some stories about this movie, so if you’d like to open up about it...

Jonah: Not now, Kinga.Kinga: Why not? Besides, it’s the end of the reel.

Kinga tries to con Joss into riffing his own movie, playing on his ego and the fact that what he wanted didn’t make the screen. Buffy says Kinga must really want this, so she shoves both Joss and Kinga into the theater and tells them to avenge her. Max is relieved no one thought of him...until he sees Kinga and her thousand-yard stare at him. He stares at her right back, saying "I regret nothing, especially what I did at..."
"DON'T MENTION THAT!," she yells. "You're lucky you still have a spleen, and yet what you did was kind of flattering,"
"Look, I'll go in with you," he says. "I don't like this movie either, They should have gone with Joss’ ideas”“Well, add it all up and…”, Buffy says

Everyone: We know what it spells. MOVIE SIGN!

We’re not going to speculate on how Joss would riff too much, so we’ll stick to Kinga and Max.

Amilyn: Aaarrrgh!Kinga: Hey, Pike’s screaming. “Aaargh” must be the secret word of the day.

Amilyn is on top of Pike's van, and enjoying the view.Max: If he says "I'm king of the world", I'm gonna be a movie slayer Kinga: That's not your job. Sit down.Then he tries to reach into PikeKinga: What's Amilyn doing, backseat steering?
Then Amilyn loses his left arm.Max: Uh-oh, the grandson of the Crawling Hand.

Amilyn (after losing an arm): You ruined my jacket. Kill him a lotJoss; I wrote that.Max: and for that we are grateful.Kinga: Hey, you're my toady, remember?

As Pike tries to fight off a vampire, Movie Buffy suddenly comes in from stage left.

Max: Shouldn’t those vamps dissolve?

Joss: Not enough money in the budgetKinga: There was a budget?Joss glares at her.

Kinga: Pardon me. This movie is a cut above what we usually show.Pike faints again after Buffy nails those vampires.Kinga: Is Pike's first name Giles by any chance?Buffy takes Pike back to her house, but her parents aren't thereMax: Did her parents run away, get attacked by Stormtroopers? Where'd they go?

Movie Buffy: You know what it's like when everything is suddenly different and everything you thought was crucial seems so stupid?Joss: Let's see Trump tweet that at 3 AM. Movie Buffy: You find yourself babbling incoherently with a strange man in your living room?Pike: Are you calling me a man?Max: Run, before Shannen Doherty finds out.

Lothos to Amilyn: Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through the Crusades.Max: Well, I wonder why I ever married you.

Kinga: MAX!
Max: You're just mad I thought of it first
Kinga: Uh...well...I can think of something, too.

Buffy’s friends discuss Cassandra’s death and that they didn’t get the yellow leather jacket back being the real tragedy.

Lothos: Has our time finally come? Have you ripened so fast?Kinga: Ewww. You’re a creepier Kylo Ren.

Lothos turns the stake at Merrick, killing him.

Merrick (to Movie Buffy): You do everything wrong Movie Buffy: Sorry Merrick: Do it wrong. Don’t play our game. Lothos is a show.Max: That advice she never forgot. That’s why Buffy’s the show, man.

Kimberly: You’re acting like a thing from another tax bracketMax: Future two-time Oscar winner. Who woulda thunk it? Movie Buffy tries to explain her predicament.Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?Nicole: What are you talking about?Kinga: They're less sharp than the girls in Sunnydale....so I've heard.

Amilyn and Lothos plan to invade the dance after learning Buffy's identity..

Max: Well, she should repeat to herself he’s just a showJoss: and we should really just relax?Kinga: Hey, no fair using the theme song as a riff.

They talk about how Pee Wee Herman took a role originally meant for Joan Chen, and how that would have made a different movie, as in better. Buffy also recounts how her first Watcher died differently, and how that was more heroic than in the movie.Kinga, though, is a little suspicious of Max’s new friendship with Joss, and thinks Joss should see the rest of movie elsewhere. Max says she’s afraid she’ll fall apart like Clayton did when TV's Frank left. “THAT’S….not important,” she says. “I need a henchman, like dad did in the old days. Come to think of it, your dad double-crossed my dad once, and he was glad”“Well, I was made to be that,” Max says, “Maybe literally, like in Moon. I’m not sure. Besides, my dad was more experiment than henchman.” “Look, what matters is we should finish the movie,” Jonah says. “Ready, Buffy?”“Oooooooh, yeah,” she says, "especially the 'finish' part" "You saw the movie during the summer after you were expelled, didn't you?", Kinga asks Buffy."It was the most depressing midnight movie ever," Buffy says. Kinga understands. "Sic' em".
"Hell, yeah!" Buffy says. "Gentlemen....."
"Where?", Crow says. "Yeah, I know"...as they head to the theater.

Kimberly: This one doesn’t have a mirror at homeBuffy: Oh no, did Darla go to this dance?

Buffy loses a boyfriend but gets Pike.

Pike: You know, uh, Buffy, you’re not like other girls

Movie Buffy: Yes I am

Buffy: Aside from the vampires and…..wait a minute.....

(stand up, looks up to the ceiling): MOM, IS THIS HOW YOU MET DAD?Jonah: Was it?

Buffy: (sits down) I think so. She told me it happened to her in college.

Buffy: I hate to say this, but I miss Principal Snyder. Pity he wound up as dragon chow.

Lothos threatens to kill with a katana

Crow: This is well-dressed padding. Can we switch to the comic book which was the real script?

Jonah: Yeah, Kill Bill this ain’t.

Buffy: I'll say. I mean, I burned a school gym down once, but it was filled with vampires AND asbestos.Servo: Couldn't you have washed it with holy water and a super soaker?Buffy: Well, I do that now. Live, learn and slay.

But Buffy saves the day, and wakes up Pike

Jonah: Usually it’s the man who wakes the girl while someone else says, “He tampered in God’s domain.”

Servo: Please, I’m still trying to forget that movie.

The couple roar away in a motorcycle, and we see “Candy Clark as Buffy’s Mom”Buffy: My mother’s name was Joyce, you lazy movie.

Jonah: Uh, that Buffy isn’t you, remember?

Buffy: Oh, yeah. Still…Then we have the witnesses.... Jeffrey: They had this look in their eyes. Totally cold. Animal. I think they were young Republicans.
Servo: And one of them got turned into a Newt. Or was it a Gingrich?

Jeffrey talks about what happened while his other date weeps and walks offCrow: Next on The Bachelor.

One more shot of Amilyn dying.

Buffy: Just die already, Pee Wee. Your career will be reborn. You’ll show them. Ha-ha-ha-uuuughhhh

Jonah, the bots, Willow and Xander are there to hug Buffy as the final credits roll.

Willow: Yeah! Maybe Disney will make movies about you, Buffy
Buffy: After what we did, I doubt it. I'd be happy if they talked to Hailee Steinfeld about it, though.
Servo: How about Angel in a hidden dystopian land?
Xander: We're in one now, called President Trump

Then, Buffy’s phone beeps. “I’m getting a text?” She reads: “About that dance scene, of course that happened to me in college. I’m glad you remembered, but you should have been meaner towards that movie. I really didn’t like that fake me. Love you, mom.”Jonah asks, “Are you sure that’s your mom from…..beyond?”“Haunted iPhones are required equipment for Slayers. It could be from her”, she says. “Have you tried to send texts to the afterlife?” Crow asks.“Well,” Buffy says, “that isn’t recommended. Otherwise, I’d ask what St. Peter thinks of The Good Place.”

At the end, Buffy and Kinga smirk at each other, each thinking they won...which they did. "OK, we'll call it a draw," Kinga says.
Jonah puts it into perspective. “Exactly, you two,” he says. “This was an idea that was long overdue. Just shake hands.”They do, and Buffy does think of giving Kinga too much of a tight handshake, but Kinga pulls her hand away. "You would have squeezed real hard." she explains, "I'd do it, if I could."
"But not today," Buffy says.They do shake hands, and agree to figure out some way to get this episode on DVD. Buffy and her fellow Scoobies go to the Gizmonic gift shop.Kinga then shifts to "boss" mode and orders Jonah to replace a sewer pipe in Deepest 13, which apparently cracked during the movie. While he heads there, the bots read letters, and Kinga reads one, too, just to show she can.Jonah reaches Deepest 13. Actually the Mole People are glad to see him. They admit they cracked the pipe because they don't like Kinga's rumors about them. They also wish the wi-fi down there was better. Jonah says he'll take care of it, but someone has to get the new pipe.
Kinga and Max look on while she says, “Well, don’t expect us to bring it to you.”Someone behind them disagrees (guess who), along with several fake ninjas.Kinga scowls, and says,“Oh, push the button, Frank.”"Oh, I'm Frank now?," "Max" asks, as the picture goes black
Remember, this is fan fiction. This will become real when Hell freezes over, gets flooded and is overrun by My Little Ponies, but we can always hope.So, what do you think, sirs?Riffs c David Mello 2017, 2018