How to Stop Rescuing the People You Love and Start Supporting Them Instead

Do you often feel a need to keep other people happy?

It's not at all uncommon to feel driven to please others in order to earn acceptance and approval. The problem is that ​we can get mixed up between supporting ​someone and rescuing them. It could be a friend, ​a family member, even a colleague. Rescuing ​can become quite a habit.

It can make life feel pretty ​demanding because we end up taking on far too much responsibility for other people’s happiness, at the cost of our own.

​Support or Rescue? Ceasing to rescue someone doesn’t mean abandoning them. It doesn’t make you selfish or an unkind person. It simply means you’re paying attention to your own needs as well as another person’s—it’s about finding a healthy balance.

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Support or Rescue?

To support someone means empowering them whilst holding true to your own sense of worth; it means helping another person to help themselves. To rescue, on the other hand, means ​taking responsibility for ​them, regardless of your own needs - and this, in the end, doesn’t help anyone.

​We all get caught up in the rescue habit sometimes. The trick is to recognise it and let it go. I know it can feel risky to stop jumping in and rescuing someone; you may worry how they will react. Even if ​it means a period of discomfort, you'll find that your relationship greatly improves when you start supporting them instead of constantly rescuing them.​

​How to Tell if ​You're Being a Rescuer

​​You can identify ​if you've been rescuing by looking at the following list. Do any of these ring true for you?

I can’t relax if someone else is unhappy

I never have enough time and I feel resentful about that

I’m taking all the responsibility to make a relationship work

I find it difficult to say ‘No’

I feel like I’m being taken for granted

I get caught in the middle and blamed for someone else’s issues

Here are ​4 helpful tips to stop rescuing and start supporting

1. ​Listen to ​their worries, without trying to fix it for them​

​One of the kindest things we can do for ​someone is ​to just listen to them. Quite often people need to offload their worries; they feel much better simply for doing that. If you rush in and “fix it” for them you're taking away their opportunity to learn and grow and gain ​self-confidence.

2. Ask them supportive questions

This takes a little practice. Just focus on what you would ask yourself in a difficult situation. These would be open questions such as I wonder if there’s a way round that? What can you do to make that better, easier, different?

These types of questions can help a person feel truly supported, yet able to think for themselves.

3. Offer them lots of validation and encouragement

​You’re doing well, I have every faith in you, I’m so impressed by how you did that. These types of statements put you into the supportive role immediately, because they are focusing on the other person – not on you ​doing it for them

​Remember that by encouraging someone to help themselves, you’re increasing their confidence in dealing with more than the current issue; you’re helping them to feel confident about managing their future challenges too.

​4. Take time​

​It’s so easy to rush in to help someone because it seems to save time. But a little patience now will pay dividends of time in the future as ​this person learns to be more independent of you.

If you recognise yourself as a rescuer, don’t worry – it’s a common habit. Just follow the steps above and you’ll find that your relationships will ​become easier​ and happier.

Do You Want Weekly Tips and Inspirations for More Confidence and Happier Relationships?

Marléne - I look forward to receiving your email each week - it has been a great help JD

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

5

2020-01-18T10:05:49+00:00

Marléne - I look forward to receiving your email each week - it has been a great help JD

https://marleneroseshaw.com/testimonials/18589/

I don't quite know how you do it but you always seem to pop up in my inbox when needed.

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

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2020-01-18T10:10:55+00:00

I don't quite know how you do it but you always seem to pop up in my inbox when needed.

https://marleneroseshaw.com/testimonials/18593/

Hi Marlene,
This was really good info for today. LJ

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

5

2020-01-18T10:04:38+00:00

Hi Marlene, This was really good info for today. LJ

https://marleneroseshaw.com/testimonials/18588/

Hi Marléne, I love these inspirational emails and want to thank you LA

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

5

2020-01-18T10:16:18+00:00

Hi Marléne, I love these inspirational emails and want to thank you LA

Hi Marléne, I love these inspirational emails and want to thank you LA

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

5

2019-08-28T08:18:21+01:00

Hi Marléne, I love these inspirational emails and want to thank you LA

https://marleneroseshaw.com/testimonials/16438/

Again, thank you for your mailouts. You were quite pivotal in helping me to recognize the 'rescue' habit that I...

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

5

2019-08-28T08:19:14+01:00

Again, thank you for your mailouts. You were quite pivotal in helping me to recognize the 'rescue' habit that I had frequently been engaging in. I'm sure this e-mail will help many of your subscribers. D.R

https://marleneroseshaw.com/testimonials/16439/

This week's email definitely brought up memories of our discussions and I appreciated the reminder. AA

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

5

2019-08-28T08:19:55+01:00

This week's email definitely brought up memories of our discussions and I appreciated the reminder. AA

https://marleneroseshaw.com/testimonials/16440/

5

10

Counselling and Therapy Online and Algarve

Do You Want Weekly tips and inspirations for more confidence and happier relationships?

Based on more than 25 years helping clients gain confidence, happier relationships and more fulfilling lives.

5.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely fantastic read!

All I can say is this book has been one of the best in it`s field that I have ever read. It’s a modern day elite toolkit for surviving life. Very well done Marléne!

5.0 out of 5 stars I highly recommend this book.

I couldn't put this book down. The Author doesn't overwhelm you with too much information- each section is easy to understand and you are instilled with an understanding of the correct ways to become more assertive. I very soon noticed a difference in my own communications with others when I practised the given techniques, - I've loads to learn but the confidence obtained in trying is a huge boost. I'm eagerly looking forward to more insightful reading from Marléne Rose Shaw.

What an amazing read this book is. The author has given those of us who struggle with confidence issues the tools to change our lives around and become the person we've always wanted to be. Thank you for your words of wisdom Marléne. I will always be grateful.

5.0 out of 5 stars A must read!!

I highly recommend this book. It's full of insight and case studies that are very relatable. Read this book to change your life for the better. It's a good book to dip back into as well. Well done to the author for another fabulous book.

5.0 out of 5 stars Layers of supportive writing and materials

Such a well written book with layers of support in the advice and case studies. so helpful for all kinds of relationships and communication. Marlene’s 2nd book is a must have for successful communication and outcomes in life. Thank you