11.3.15

X Rays

Despite feeling light years better than I have in 7 months, and absorbing all the radiance from family, friends, unknowns, and new love, it's become clear to me that I am still vulnerable and raw regarding recent events. I'm sure it's to be expected- how often does pain dissolve overnight?

It's mostly due to "triggers" found commonly in popular culture. What I read and watch. Triggers is an apt term that I really like- an accurate way to describe how it feels after the trigger is pulled, and who or what is doing the pulling.

The biggest hurdle is trying to overcome the absolute viciousness and zero concern for my healing my displayed by my ex since immediately after the incident and continuing to this very moment. I shouldn't be so surprised, but I am.

I'm happy to cut people like that out of my life, definitively, but I still long to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship. And to forgive her, for the past and for now. But who can deny the pain of sharing a decade with someone I was deeply in love with, who birthed our two beautiful children, only to have it all end like a helicopter crash. Like a scab that someone keeps scratching off.

But instead of saying, "Dude, what the fuck are you doing? That was healing!" which would be entirely appropriate, I have to keep my mouth shut for legal reasons and just hope that they will realize on their own how their actions affect others.

But narcissistic sociopaths don't follow predictable trains of thought like that. That is their own curse and their's alone. I realize now it's not something to fight against but to sympathize with. I have my own curses and the people that truly love me help me through them.

It's impossible for me to completely reject the mother of my kids, so I keep her name on my arm. As a past life reminder. That time is 100% over and will never repeat itself, but it existed.

The trick is to not dwell too long on such things and be effective in the moment. Jump one obstacle at a time. Hold onto the hands extended to you. They will help you over.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,

DP

[EDIT: Never mind, I decided to get her name removed from my arm. I need that spot for my third kid!]

David, best wishes to you. I've gone through roughly what you are going through now. Mine included a parent alienation so fierce, it damn near crushed my fucking soul. I persevered and am so thankful I did. Let me know if there is anything you need. Now, play us some old Delta blues...Jason, springfield il

I'm so glad to see that you are in a better place. You are right about the triggers and the narcissism. That's spot-on. Time and distance helps because it brings clarity about the situation and the person involved. (The karma bus sometimes helps with a pit stop :-) ) When you are ready, you'll release the anger. After that...blessed indifference.

Thank you for sharing your recent words. It has stung me deeply in my own darkness and made me realise the centrality of my role in my children's life and just how completely I love them - my life is theirs. They are the light I need to stumble on, blindly but forever in love.

DavidI was listening to your music when I heard that my friend had just died in hospital. Your music brought unspoken comfort at a time of great pain. Thank you for choosing life and for extending your gifts to others. Music transforms and heals us.

Hey there buddy, I am sorry for your ordeal. I went through the same thing, albeit I was not married and had no children. It cost me emotionally, legally and financially. I too had to find out about deceits and second guess my intuitions. I too was left to recover from a burning car that she willingly kept me inside. God guides us always, and is walking with you even now. Keep praying, and keep healing. The triggers will come and go, but in time the memory that was once so extreme and important, attached to that individual will fade. You will be left with the conviction and strength of standing alone and doing what is right. People like that attain their lesson in time, it's no longer yours to control. Make better choices for yourself from now on. Don't feel sorry for yourself, stand tall. And thanks for sharing. Just remember, you're not alone.

Eternal recurrence by Nietzsche. Everyday it's a struggle to acknowledge the past and believe that it served a purpose, that given the chance you would do it all exactly the same way. I don't know if I'm that strong of a person.

Hi David. You're someone I really look up to. I'm Filipino and love listening to music that is strange and beautiful. It was and is a big deal to me to know that someone with Filipino heritage is making that kind of music. I've struggled with depression in the past and I want to wish you meaningful healing and a renewed vigor for life. Thanks for being you, David.