Bachelor Recap: Week Two

Sorry for the brief delay. Contrary to popular belief, I write this blog only to be famous amongst attractive people. During the day, I am an evil computer wizard playing mind games. This took me to Detroit for the Auto Show where I sat inside lots of different cars Chris Harrison probably knows how to dismantle and stash drugs in.

Speaking of Chris Harrison, my phone and later Instagram blew up with attractive USC girls taking candid pics with Chris, who spoke at a class there and took everyone out afterwards for Chick-Fil-A. Because sober people take a horde of hot sorority girls to eat a physical ton of fried chicken. Your honor, the prosecution rests. And the prosecution loves Chris Harrison.

Okay, let’s BachCap.

Strawberry Lemonade is from Dallas. Someone tell me why his backdrop is in Middle Earth. I know they drill the line that it’s a “journey” to find love into our brains, but was it “An Unexpected Journey”? Can we expect the hometown dates to include dwarfs? Are they going to have sex in a hot tub in Rivendell. Explain yourself.

I am so tired of watching Strawberry Lemonade lift weights and make porn faces and it’s only week two. I would have taken a better screencap, but I was trying not to look and the idea of scrubbing the video back and watching it again to get a clip without the video controls seemed worse than an optional catheter.

Side note, do you guys feel like there are more catheter infomercials on late at night or is that just Portland? Is there some shit going on I am not aware of? Should I be rocking a catheter for fun? I had a kidney stone once and when I woke up from surgery I apparently had one in and when they took it out I literally made the face Keanu made when they unplug him from the Matrix in that pod of pink goo.

What the fuck was I saying? You can feel sorry for my wife. That detour I just took happens at dinner. With waiters.

Harrison let’s the women know Strawberry Lemonade is the most sincere bachelor of all time, which I know meant a lot to a group of girls who voluntarily are competing for a dude that has agreed to pick a wife on a game show. Sincere as hell, people.

Soon enough, the date card arrives and the most untouchable contestant ever gets the date. You guessed it, the attractive girl with one arm who also works at an agency I have friends at. She is incredibly hard to nickname. I am just hoping she says something I can work with soon. In the meantime, I have to take a reader suggestion and go with Soul Surfer. I feel dishonored. I should have had that.

The good news is, Soul Surfer helped me create a nickname for the political whatever-the-fuck from DC who made an awful face the moment the date went to Soul Surfer.

That’s the face of “charity date’ and in that moment I realized ABC was using her as a screen test for an upcoming guest role on an ABC Family show. She totally looks like the bad guy in a young teen high school drama. She seems down to earth, but you go sleep at her house and she’s not a virgin and you are prude for thinking pot is a big deal. I give you Pretty Little Liar.

Strawberry Lemonade may be a meat stick, but he’s running with Lost Angeles super friend Ben Flajnik for “Bachelor Who Gets It”. The ladies here a noise outside and guess what?

ZOMFG. HELICOPTER. EPISODE TWO.

Give me a rose, Sean. For real, bro. You get it. You will let them do whatever to you. Have Arie on? Sure. Homoerotic work out montages to open every show? Fuck yeah. Title screen based on Lord of the Rings? Why not. Strawberry Lemonade, there’s hope for you yet. Not with kissing though. You’re fucked with that.

Soul Surfer said something about how having one arm doesn’t mean she has less love to give. No shit. That’s why when people are in love they say shit like “my heart belongs to you”. They don’t say “my left arm skips a beat when I see you”. I’m torn, I totally can see how it’s courageous for her to compete in this hellish arena, but let’s keep it real. She’s hot. She works at an office of hot people. I think it’s fair to say you’d get with her, America. When the Elephant Man is on Bachelorette, we’ll talk. She’s a contender.

Strawberry Lemonade proved he reads this blog by going big with his first date. It will never be lost on me that he took a woman with one arm and asked her to jump off a fucking building. I know there was probably some ABC tomfoolery because of Soul Surfer recanting the tale of her not being allowed to zipline and this being a way of making it right, but when it’s a show designed to ruin your life, what is the point. We’re organizing deck chairs on the Titanic again, Chris Harrison. And I love you for it.

About the ziplining thing. Her father told her when she was a young girl “that’s why she needs to find a man to take care of her”? He should have made the zipline attendant apologize and admit what his salary was and show a photo of his crunchy, granola girlfriend who didn’t grow up half as hot as Soul Surfer. Thanks Dad.

Also, hey harness guy. When you woke up, you knew you’d be on TV, right? Maybe next time don’t wear a Jurassic Park shirt and force some poor bastard at ABC to spend his weekend rotoscoping your t-shirt you got as a PA in 1991. I get that they give people t-shirts when they work on movies. What I don’t get is why people wear them. You heard me guy at Dodger game wearing a 500 dollar leather “According to Jim” jacket. You are an asshole.

The freefall went well, the after date went well, Soul Surfer nabbed the first tongue-forward kiss of the season and I was ready for a the group date.

Whackflip reads the date card, it’s the usual BS from everyone.

They go to a manor, which is a great word, to do a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel series. It’s an excuse for everyone to dress slutty and for Strawberry Lemonade to take her shirt off. Clearly there was no Bowflex handy. The “model” was super stoked.

Is there anything more annoying than someone repeatedly reminding you they are a “model” or “actor”. I am guessing Morgan Freeman doesn’t have to remind people at dinner he is an actor. Guessing Kate Moss doesn’t giggle when a camera comes out and say “this is so my thing!” Here’s my point. Remember in Ratatouille when Gusteau says “anyone can cook”. Here’s proof “anyone can model”. I give you Anyone Can Model.

Credit to Anyone Can Model, she at least kept her eyes on the prize. Tierra Nevada (not her nickname) was talking shit to Whackflip about her extensions and then Whackflip called her a tacky ass ho or something. Girls are awesome. They talk shit sometimes in the way cell phones work. They don’t connect directly. They bounce their shit off a satellite.

The women are onto Tierra. They get that she’s the B in Apartment 23 when not with Sean, but she then becomes Flirt McGirt when he’s around. In fact, her right eyebrow explodes north up her face the moment Sean enters the room. It’s a man-activated eyebrow. I give you Guybrow.

You will never not notice this the rest of her time on this show. Guys, you will probably be looking at her boobs.

There were vampires, hooker cowgirls and weird period pieces. Pretty Little Liar was working it pretty hard and proving my nickname, but Anyone Can Model stepped in and basically gave him a lapdance and in doing so, won the day. I felt bad for Whackflip because I feel like the race card was at play here. Maybe I don’t spend enough time in airport bookstores, but I haven’t seen too many interracial trashy romance novel covers. Not surprised after this date she said something to Sean about if he likes all kinds of girls. Not to jump ahead, but as smooth as his answer was, I felt like when he was rattling off the different races he dated he worked hard not to say “I’ve dated sushi, hummus, uh, do Italians count?”

Whatever, I kinda dig Whackflip. I have a feeling she’s going to make women insecure when the swimsuit competition starts. For realz.

Later, Pretty Little Liar choked on trying to get a kiss, but then came back and took one by force. Anna Nicole Schlitz didn’t like it.

beyan got the rose which probably lead to Pretty Little Liar plotting with the rest of her cheer squad how they could embarrass her before the big dance.

I can’t remember when, but one girl made a comment about being vegan and still liking beef, meaning Strawberry Lemonade’s muscles. I am pretty sure Harrison was stoned and bet a producer an eighth he could get her to say that line. Game, set, match Harrison.

Final date went to Joey Potter, the bridal store woman who gave up on Dawson and is bringing her weird Katie Holmes mouth movements and just Alba-enough looks into the dark horse role. SL is way into her. So much so, that he let a still blazed Chris Harrison talk him into playing a prank on her.

A 1.5 million dollar sculpture falls over when she’s alone in a room and the worst actor in the world accuses her while Harrison and Sean eat Hot Cheetoes and Skittles with Big Gulps in the next room. Seemed like Joey Potter knew this was a prank, but she’d have been sure if she knew what Chernobyl was, the place the glass from the sculpture was reclaimed from. For those of you at home, it’s radioactive. It was absurd. It was over her head.

She brought her rocking body to the hot tub party and got some gross ass Strawberry Lemonade kisses. She’s in good shape.

The cocktail party was dominated by three key events. There was Bad Hair Year kicking herself off the show and doing everything but saying “namaste” on her way out.

Guybrow was the first person I ever saw eat on this show, which gives me hope she could have some awesome weight gain a la Chantal (my old fav) if she stays around long enough and doesn’t die in whatever the paramedic scene from next week ends up being.

Lastly, that crazy girl who smiles with all her teeth came out in a neon yellow dress with, like, should armor in the shape of roses. I thought she was going to jump on a horse and do battle with Jim Carrey at Medieval Times. Neon Knight was born and like Guybrow, turned it on just enough on camera with Strawberry Lemonade.

In the end, Isla Shitter (we barely knew you) and that girl who never got to talk peaced out. Maybe someone else. It’s still too early. And right now, it’s too late.

Please google the actress that played ‘Chutney’ in Legally Blonde (and was on freaks and geeks, mind you). Her hair looks the same as the girl that kicked herself off, but her face looks like neon yellow dress girl. For real. It’s uncanny.

“Joey Potter”…the Bridal Consultant…actually is/was a bridal consultant…she was MY bridal consultant when I bought my wedding dress, and I actually really liked her and thought she was a total sweetheart. The promos show some boy drama or something with her which I really hope isn’t true I’m rooting for her!! LOVE the blog as always!