1 Tsp. of PSP

Well, it would appear that I was grossly underinformed about the capabilities and limitations of Sony’s portable gaming systems. Always have been; never bought a PlayStation Portable even though they have been available and wildly popular here for almost 10 years. They’ve always seemed too expensive and no title for it ever caught my eye or ensnared my heart to the breaking point of investing. It’s a beautiful thing – I remember that when it came out, one of my coworkers bought one and brought it to work remarking again and again, “I can’t believe how god damned fucking big the screen is!” and he was right – it was like a flat screen TV about the size of a trucker wallet and it could make you nervous to hold it for fear of hurting it.

But for some reason (which I’ll get into), I thought that the PS1 classic games that I’ve had my eye on were only available for the newer, more expensive PS Vita, and that is just not the case. Final Fantasies VII, VIII, and IX can all be downloaded through the PlayStation Network for play on the PS3, Vita, and PSP. They all between 1 and 2GB and cost ¥1500 (or $10) each. It is worth noting that I through VI are similarly available, and we’ll get to those eventually, as well.

I was under the impression that these games would not play on the Vita, because on the US site for the PSN game catalog, availability only listed PS3 and Vita – no mention of the PSP. Why? I’ll tell you why, because I know how Sony slinks. The Vita is tanking. Nobody wants to buy it because there’s a paltry amount of games available for it, memory cards are too expensive, and even though it can play PSP games, it can only play downloaded games, which means that you can’t buy used games for it. If it were up to them, they’d have all PSPs destroyed and force everyone to upgrade to the more costly Vita that they would probably never buy otherwise. So they’re freezing out the PSP by not mentioning it where they can avoid it. Where there were once walls of PSP accessories in game shops, there are now Vita accessories, and the PSP crap has been reduced to a few choice overpriced bundle packs of pouches, straps, and wiping cloths.

And speaking of bundles, why in the shitfuck is there no PSP bundle that comes with a memory card larger than 2GB? It’s fucking ridiculous. That’s like, what – one PS1 Final Fantasy game? I suppose you’re going to tell me to get a PSP Go that’s based entirely on downloaded games. Well I’ve seen that system, and it’s ugly small, costs way too much, and once again means no used games. I have determined that that system sucks.

I have also determined that my dream is now closer to $200, which is more reasonable, but just as far off: $140 for a PSP, $50 PSN download card, and $20 for an 8GB memory stick. Now I get to spend my days gazing at PSPs behind glass, scouring used stores, and browsing online shops and auction sites for the one that will be mine. 18 billion PSPs in the world, and I require but one. Here are the most attractive models I have seen of late:

Brown Monster Hunter 2000: But if I were a true hunter, this is the model I’d want: organic wood emblazoned with distinctive game art

Bronze 2000: Close to the one above without the tribal tattoos. Just a dope-ass color, really.

FFVII Anniversary edition 2000: Because I am, after all, a hopeless Final Fantasy crackhead

One Piece Romance Dawn 3000: Aside from Calvin and Hobbes, One Piece is just about the greatest comic ever written. It is so great that it is now better than Star Wars, and as far as epic works go, is on par with the Song of Ice and Fire series. I’d proudly fly this flag, and maybe even play the game that comes with it.

Piano Black 3000: Why not? The one color that’s been around since the beginning, and there’s no reason to retire it now. Besides, there’s a greater probability that one of you might have one like this lying around yearning to be loved by thumbs like mine. Please? No, seriously: can I have it? I’ll like do stuff and stuff.