Everything about this filmed-on-video cheapie simply screams ‘early 80’s’, from the waka-waka music to the ridiculously limp humor to the overt leering at all things breast-related, Bikini Academy seems about 15 years too late. It doesn’t help that the video’s sound quality ranks somewhere above CB-radio static (I’m not kidding; you can barely hear any of the dialogue!), but you’re not renting a titty flick for the WORDS anyway, so let’s get down to brass bikinis.

BOOOOOOOBS. There are several boobies in this movie. I’d venture a guess that there are twice as many knockers in this flick than there are women. Unfortunately, most of the aforementioned juggs are covered by skimpy bikinis, with only a few extended sequences featuring silicone peaks in all their unfettered glory. In other words, the bare funbags are few and far between…and there’s not much else to hold your attention while you’re waiting. The humor level here makes Porky’s look like Dr. Strangelove, the “let’s be lifeguards” plotline is as flimsy as it is inconsequential, and the acting performances are precisely what you’d expect when actors are chosen by cup size and their good fortune to be hanging out on a California beach when director Rick Sloane (Hobgoblins) showed up with his cameras.

I’m racking my brain trying to come up with at least one familiar name, one fun B-movie touchstone with which to illustrate the silliness of this nipple-obsessed turkey. All the actresses seem to be aspiring porn stars, and the boy characters run the gamut from ‘ogling dolt’ to ‘horny idiot’ to ‘drooling cretin’ before completing the cycle with ‘contentedly nursing male infant’; yet nary a Corey Haim nor C. Thomas Howell appearance to alleviate the tedium.

Originally titled Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody in a clear attempt to ride the coattails of the famous silicone smash Baywatch, Bikini Academy purports to be a spoof of beach comedies, though the truth is that is simply is a beach comedy, and (aside from a few mercifully lovely melons) not a very good one at that. “Amateurish” would be high praise.

If all you ever want to see from a buxom blonde is her curvaceous form ensnared in a bikini, here’s one you’ll love. Me? If I’m being offered a gift, I’m unwrapping it right away…and often.