Donna: [to Gaz] There is to be no dumping. I just think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it occasionally. None of this boyfriendy girlfriendy stuff.

Flo: Don't be late, I'm making take-away for tea!

Gaz: I'm laying down the seeds for my reign of power over Donna. See, the more I don't phone her the more desperate and insecure she becomes, soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.

Gaz: (In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie) Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cause you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbly buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand.

Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.

Janet: Jonny, I'm not Pregnant.

Jonny: Thank fuck for that!

Gaz: Pissing outside is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Gaz: Well what? Is it me? Do I repulse you? Look, I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena you will be mine" at the moment of climax.

Gaz: What is a hulk anyway?

Jonny: I’m not sure. I think it’s a cross between hunk and bulk. Of course, you can’t have The Incredible Hunk, 'cos that just sounds like gay porn.

Gaz: Yeah, and you can’t have The Incredible Bulk...'cos that just sounds like gay porn.

Gaz: [to Donna, who is asleep][In New York accent] Wake up and smell the caw-fee!

Donna: oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever then.

Gaz: Was it about me, the Sugababes and loads of coal?

Donna: No, I dreamt I was asleep.

Gaz: Yeah, and?

Donna: Yeah, that was it, I was asleep, and then this stupid monkey came in and said [in New York accent] "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"

Louise: [to David, when he tells her to do some T'ai Chi with him] Ok, but don't expect me to join your cult.

David: ...it's not a cult.

Louise: That's what the Britannia Music Club said.

Jonny: [to Janet, about her excitement about her dress] You don't see me and Gaz jumping around going "ooh, Look at my fancy new pants! They cost me a month's wages and I'm never wearing them again, hooray!"

Jonny: Well, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.

Janet: What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?

Jonny: That wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.

Jonny: All I'm saying is if you pay a bomb for something, it needs to be used and used and used again until it breaks. Like Gareth Gates.

Jonny: Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.

Louise: I can get us in the place cause all the bouncers know my face.

[During the “We Need Some Slags” song with Gaz and Jonny]

Jonny: But I’m not comin’ out , I’m stayin’ here.

[Jonny pulls out a megaphone]

Jonny: And get really, wobbly on beer.

Gaz: Just try a little brute for men, oh no it all got drank.

Gaz: We all need a bosom, for a pillow or tit wank.

Jonny: I've no need for a woman , when I’ve got my left hand.

Jonny: Just a handy TUB of Vaseline and a picture of my gran.

Jonny: But I don’t want tarts. I want white lightning. there not my mummy. there rather frightening.

Jonny: I don’t need a girlfriend.

Gaz: Oh just come out and play.

Jonny: I’ll tell em that I’m too young.

Gaz: I’ll tell em that your gay

Jonny: ok ill come for one pint, but then I’ll go back home.

Gaz: nice one lad you wont regret it.

Jonny: but ill make sure I'm alone

[During the “Biscuit Rap” song with Jonny and Gaz]

Jonny: Cos you could keep any bitch like I'm a rich tea

Gaz: Which tea?

Jonny: I tell you I'm a Junkie, a flunkie,
Cruising my ass with an Oreo,
Don't need a ho.
Got my Garibaldi, not Barlow, he's gone now.
I need a Kit Kat,
When the rhyme's fat,
With the beat I can't cheat,
Can a biscuit cheat like a mother?
HELL NO!

Gaz: But Johnny don't you know? Ohh-ohh

Gaz: Don't be fooled when you dip'em in your tea,
They're not, they're not gonna make you happy,

Jonny: I aint gonna go and have a roll in the hay,
No way, I'll have a fig roll,
Ya dig bro?
Don't wanna go out having fun,
I stay at one with the borbon,
A hob nob, that's the only dog I'm dipping,
I ain't flippin, wanna cookie?
You be tripping.
The ho's say
'try my choc chip treats.'
That ain't sweet,
I ain't no piece of meat,
I want wafer,
You been away for a night,
With a she-dog,
You want a biscuit,
BUT DOG DONT GOT NONE, NO!

Jonny: Can you see the philosophy,
Of the desire,
That these biscuits,
They can cause in me?
And my soul will ever be entwined,
With the hole left,
When a mother, however fine,
Tries to share my life,
With my biccy time.

Jonny: I got my lovely, crunchy biscuits,
Hell I'll say it once more in case you missed it,
I ain't dunking no girl like a biscuit,
Never gonna change so don't try to twist it.

Jonny: Aww...your kebab juice only makes me love you more...interestingly not the first time I've used that sentence.

Donna: My darling husband-to-be. Ever since you, shagged my best friend and got her up the duff... I can think of no better way I'd rather spend my life than with a BASTARD like you. What we had, you took a shit on then stamped on and did another shit on, and gave me your shoes. And for that I THANK you my dear husband. For I feel we can unite as people who HATE Gaz Wilkinson, that MAN Gaz Wilkinson who owns a HANSON album, that MAN Gaz Wilkinson who is RUBBISH in bed! That man Gaz Wilkinson who has a birthmark in the shape of another man's penis, directly over his bumhole....

Louise: "Daddy, daddy tell me!"Brian: "Alright! Because I'm a poof and a piss head and I bid you good bye."

Gaz: (Gaz has asked Donna to marry him and she has refused) "Donna listen, I'm gonna make you say 'yes' 'cause I love you, and I know for as long as I live I never want another woman... except on my stag night and on holiday. Or when you're pregnant or ill. Or when the painters are in... or when you're on you're period. That's it."