Most people get their eschatology from the Left Behind movies, which is a decent idea as long as you’re not watching the Nicolas Cage remake (yuck!). But as Christians, we really need to get our viewpoints on the end times from the Scriptures. At The Babylon Bee, we want you to understand the nuances of each school of thought, so you can make an informed decision about which one to subscribe to, no matter what Kirk Cameron says.

We’ll be looking at the three dominant positions: premillennialism, amillennialism, and postmillennialism.

DEFINITIONS

Premillennialism: The belief that the millennial reign mentioned six times in Revelation 20 will be a literal, physical, thousand-year reign of Christ on earth. Usually accompanied by wild-eyed, foamy-mouthed prophecies about the nation of Israel and hushed whispers about Russia being a bear or dragon or harlot or something.

Amillennialism: The belief that the millennial reign mentioned six times in Revelation 20 isn’t a millennial reign at all, but rather Christ ruling in the hearts of his people or some weird, hippy thing like that.

Postmillennialism: The belief that the millennial reign will eventually be ushered in as the gospel spreads throughout the world, because humans have clearly been getting better and not worse.

ORIGINS

Premillennialism: Discovered by a sect of ancient druids in northern England while performing a ceremony underneath the cyclopean smooth rocks of Stonehenge and gazing upon a series of blood moons that miraculously arranged themselves into a bizarre, non-Euclidean constellation resembling the wind-swept face of John Hagee. The cosmic, eldritch horror whispered the long-forgotten truths of the gospel of dispensationalism to the clandestine gathering, and premillennialism was born.

Amillennialism: Theologian Michael Horton was reading Revelation chapter 20 while hanging out listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon in his seminary dorm. He was like, “Dude, wouldn’t it be trippy if the millennium were actually, like, not a millennium. Whoa bro.”

Postmillennialism: A really optimistic motivational speaker at the beginning of the 20th century decided the world was getting better and declared that the kingdom of God was almost here. Then some world wars happened but people were still like, “Yeah, this is fine.”

FAMOUS ADHERENTS

Premillennialism: Hal Lindsey, John Hagee, Jerry Falwell, John MacArthur. Whoa, Johnny Mac—what are you doing lumped in with a crowd like this? You must be so embarrassed. LOL

Amillennialism: People who can’t even with the historical-grammatical hermeneutic sometimes.

Postmillennialism: There are literally three postmillenialists left on the planet. None of them have read the news anytime in the past fifty years.

HOW TO SPOT A FOLLOWER

Premillennilalism: “In Case Of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned” bumper sticker, Scofield Reference Bible tucked under arm, stacks of books predicting Jesus will come back in 1988, 1989, 1990, etc. Usually wearing a T-shirt featuring wolves howling at four blood moons.

Amillennilalism: Can usually be found taking hits of some dank kush while reading the book of Revelation and allegorically interpreting everything.

Postmillennialism: Tough to find. Usually huddled up in a cabin in the wildlands, where no news of the impending doom facing our nation and world can possibly have reached them.

Well, there you have it, dear reader. We pray that your new wealth of information will prove helpful to you in your walk with the Lord.