Tuesdays with Rachel

Sunday, January 25, 2009

So...this hat...well...where to begin. All at once it amazes me, frightens me, and makes me tinkle with laughter. Where the hell did this thing come from?? I will say that had she worn a beanie or something I would have been terribly disappointed. I mean Aretha goes big or goes home. She doesn't half ass shit. I feel like something is hiding under there. A member of the Taliban could have easily stowed away under the cap or really even the bow part. I bet each of the sequins could have easily been an explosive to blow up the entire platform at the inauguration. You know Aretha wouldn't have put up with going through security or getting patted down. She's the Queen of Soul for Christ's sake! Anyways, the hat is basically the best part of the whole inauguration, other than of course Barack Obama becoming President.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

So I saw Wall-E finally last night and let me just tell you...it is so cute you could just shit yourself! I LOVED it. Surprisingly enough it is also deep and is a good critique on our over-indulgent, lazy society. Rachel, if you are reading this, I would like Wall-E from Disneyworld. I want the actual Wall-E please.

Ok, so while I should be totally embarrassed that I am admitting right now that I watched and loved Charm School: Rock of Love, I'm not. I really loved it and I'm so sad it's over. I feel lost without watching those tranny, coke, strippers with crude mouths slap the crap out of each other. Anyways, the show climaxed on the reunion show, fitting enough, with a brawl that happened between Sharon Osbourne (the headmistress) and literally the most vile girl on the show Megan. To let you know about Megan, she insisted on always wearing only a bikini and dragging around her retarded chihuahua at all times. She was also the most stupid person I have ever witnessed on television. Anyways, Sharon tells her that she should not be able to have offspring and then Megan drunkily slurs something about how all Sharon does is take care of her invalid husband. It should go unsaid that you don't fuck with Sharon Osbourne. Isn't that a commandment or something?

I love to hate Beyonce a lot of the time. Sometimes she does things that I end up hating loving her. Sometimes I love to love her. We have a very complex relationship. Anyways she performed probably the most famous Barbra Streisand song ever and while thinking about her doing that would make you cringe and immediately think "How inappropriate of her!" it is quite the opposite! I don't want to admit how many times I have actually watched this. But Beyonce is no Britney. I don't care if Britney could never sing this song. Britney probably should never sing live ever. I still love her more than Beyonce though. And PS, Brit would never wear earrings so heavy that it would make her ear lobes droopy like she is prepping to put African plates in them.

Add Jon Hamm to my list of crushes. Add him alongside Chase Utley, Gerard Butler, and James McAvoy. Atonement James McAvoy though not Wanted James McAvoy. That movie blew! Anyways, I think Jon Hamm is so dreamy. I don't care if he plays a womanizer (yes like the Britney song) on his show. He uses those ladies left and right but he does it with such class and dreaminess. Maybe it would be one of those things that if I met him in real life I would be incredibly disappointed. Maybe I love Don Draper and not Jon Hamm. Maybe I would like to keep it that way. Regardless...

Has anyone else seen the movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford? It makes me want to shit myself it's so creepy! But it is also so campy you can't help but laugh and shriek with pleasure. I like how Bette Davis plays the mean, scary, crazy lady in the movie while Joan Crawford plays the sane, kind, victim sister. Should have been reversed. Joan Crawford would beat the crap outta anyone under the age of 17. Let's have a Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? movie night! I own it on DVD of course.

I love Britney. I love Britney more than I love my mom (sorry mom!). I have loved her since day one and I stuck by her during her "rough patch". I'm no fair weather fan who abandoned her while she was going through her troubles and now is back on the bandwagon for her comeback. I have backed her up in many arguments and debates. She completes my life and she doesn't even know it. I want her to be my gal pal so we can go to Starbucks together and talk about boys. I want a Britney Spears song played at my funeral. I don't really care which one. Surprise me!

So I can't figure out whether Lindsay is madly in love with Taylor Swift or if she just wants to be her. I imagined that possibly she would want everyone to start calling her Taylor and maybe she would be waiting on tables with a guitar strapped to her back. Maybe while she had some downtime hanging out in the side stations she would pen songs about heartbreak and loving Tim McGraw. I thought it would be funny to photoshop a picture of Lindsay with Taylor's hair. I made it a pic with Nicole in it because she always thinks there is a huge lack of her on the blog. Look at her in this pic trying to take credit for this pie that Lindsay created all by herself. Anyways, if you read this post, next time you see Lindsay, call her Taylor.