Ed Miliband Only On Dole For A Week

Labour’s defeated ex-leader Ed Miliband has found new employment as a riot policeman in London and has tweeted, ‘I was only on the dole for a week.’

It is thought that Mrs Miliband became unhappy with her husband constantly hanging around the house moments after he lost the election two weeks ago claiming that he was preventing her from ordering the servants around and getting the chores done. This domestic pressure along with his strong work ethic and the fact that he was only entitled to £74.26p a week on Job Seekers Allowance forced the jilted Labour toff to find new employment.

Speaking from the front line of a police barricade set up to defend the nation’s capitol against rioting students Mr Miliband dodged a flying brick and spluttered, ‘Oh yes. Still bringing home the bacon. That’s me. Like the man at the dole office said this new job gives me the chance to use my natural authority and powerful physical presence whist keeping me off the streets. Well, y’know what I mean. And now, with my good old mates in the Conservative party enraging everybody in the country for the next five years, there’s going to be plenty of overtime. I hope my story can inspire others in a similar situation to keep going in troubling times. Whoever you are out there you might have been defeated but you’re not down. If I can do it – you can do it too. Ow! That hurt! Oh c’mon. That was on fire… I say. Ow!’