23 February 2006

Computer Hell

On Sunday night I was browsing the net looking for ideas to tart up this blog and clicked on a link only to watch in horror as a virus infected my computer. I tried everything to get around it but ended up taking it to the computer doctor and spending several hundred dollars getting it fixed and getting proper virus protection.

It was my own fault. I knew I didn't have proper software installed but kept putting off doing anything about it. A hard lesson to learn. It's amazing how bereft I felt not having my computer. I have access to one at work but can't browse all my favorite sites on that and can't really do any writing. Not that I'm doing much anyway.

So now it's back and I can breathe a sigh of relief. But I'm still not writing. Some hard thought has to be done about why. I keep coming back to fear, fear of not being good enough. No matter how much I know that I'm a beginner and I won't get better unless I write, the punitive editor inside is very strong. And very wily.

I would love to be one of those people who've always written so that's like breathing to them. It's not like that for me, it's much more a process of struggle. Why do I want to continue writing it it's so hard? I think because when it works, when the words flow, it's such a fantastic feeling. I get energised and believe all is right in my corner of the world.

I just need to get to that space again. Come to think of it, the computer virus is symbolic of my out of kilter sense of creativity. Something's infected it and I need to take it off to the creativity doctor. Hmm.

3 Comments:

I know a lot of people would say you need to push past the fear and just write, and they may be right. But when my fear becomes debilitating, I've learned I need to do the opposite. I read, watch movies, etc. Because it indicates the need for time away. And then, when I come back to the writing, I'm ready to go.

Oh babe, what a hellish experience. Similar problem hit my folks recently and they're still to get back on their pc feet. I've become an anti-viral demon ever since.

I completely relate to your comments regarding creativity. I have brief spells where words flow but they are interspersed with a black hole of self doubt and fear. It doesn't help when people make negative comments, that's food for the damned inner critic.

Yes, time away is important. Partly why I welcome the longer daylight hours because I walk more and that always helps with everything.