When I Consider How My Light Is Spent

Vissi d'Arte

Too many hard words are springing to my conscience, as I reflect on the three years that recently came to an end. Your experience will not be mine! But mine was so full of experiences that now just make me *angry*. So angry that people would treat me as they did. So angry that I allowed them to. So angry that this was a world where even the notion of hoping for better was quickly beaten out of me.

But I couldn't have it, so I settled for an endless series of titrations of real. And now I see that...the titrations, the 1% solutions carried in a conduit of crap, were incredibly poisonous for me. They did, after all, almost kill me. ....It was like taking a starving child and feeding it cotton candy laced with cocaine and broken glass.

I longed to share. I longed to hear and be heard. I longed to cuddle and be together and develop meaningful relationships based on shared interests and common viewpoints and a love for life. I longed for bonds, and roots, and community, and love. I longed for reciprocity and communing. I longed for my voice to be listened to and valued for what it was. I longed to be inspired by others' valuable voices.

I longed for levity, for gaiety, for hope, and for lightness. I longed for laughter. I longed for pretty party frocks and special parties and the sense of having a place to be, where I was expected, and missed if I wasn't there. I longed for an end to loneliness, and the sparkle of human excitement.