Highway Hello: The Art Of Conversation At 80mph

Say What?

We need a better universal sign language for highway use. I’ve written before about shouting answers to car questions at stoplights, but it’s an entirely different process to grasp what’s being said as you pass one another at 80 mph. The first challenge is just trying to figure out if your commuting conversationalist is hoping for a friendly chat or trying to tell you that you’re in imminent danger.

That guy waving at you from the carpool lane, what’s his deal? Let’s see, it’s a roundy-round gesture and pointing to the tires. Do you have a flat? Is there a sea serpent wrapped up in the axle? Is a wheel falling off? Oh, he wants you to do a burnout. No, no wait—he wants you to know your hubcap is missing. Anyone know how to signal, “Yeah, I know, it’s in the trunk from when I got new tires four months ago and I just keep forgetting to put that last one on again, sorry about the burnout,” without causing more confusion?

My first impulse whenever someone gestures at me is to panic, which is another reason we need an agreed-on language. It would save me a lot of stress. The lady in the SUV next to us is waving and pointing, and I immediately go to, “What’s on fire? What fell off?!”—I’ll check the gauges and the mirrors looking for dangly bits or unusual amounts of smoke. While I’m scanning, I’m sniffing. Is that a hint of sweet coolant I smell? A wisp of burnt oil? Nah, everything is normal. So then, why the shouting and gestures? Oh, my fellow driver just wants to tell me how cool my car is—or that I cut her off back there. Oops, I do know that hand sign.