StarDestroyer.Net

Bernd Schneider, of Ex
Astris Scientia, has tried communicating with Wong in the past, with
the results one might expect. This, plus his observations, have led to a
rather more creative take on Wong's site:

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Mike. Mike had a wonderful
family
and a bachelor degree from a renowned university. Mike's life could have
been perfect - if there had not been one curse on it: he did not like
apples and he shuddered at the mere idea that so many others could
possibly find them appetizing. Not that he would have detested apples, but
he saw them as mere nourishment compared to his beloved oranges. Mike
frequently tried to talk people into agreeing with him, but he usually got
to hear something like "Well, but I like apples better. You have to accept
that they are just more popular, and better for your health anyway". No
wonder that Mike grew tired of the repeated unproven assertions and the
stupidity of these people who he called "appies".

In an attempt to prove that oranges are more delicious indeed, he
argued
that oranges must taste better, as he had observed that apples used to
have strongly varying colors and became brownish after a few days, while
oranges remained perfectly, uh, orange. Also, oranges were more expensive,
so they must be of a higher quality as this predominantly determined the
price according to the well-defined laws of the market. Being a serious
scientist, Mike did not take into account what people were telling him
about their personal taste. Most of them, in his view, were just not
qualified to make a statement about taste, because they were lacking a
sensitive tongue like he had one. But he did consider the shameless
advertisements for apples which pathetically called them "Golden
Delicious" although they were just ordinary apples - and, as he had
proven, definitely not delicious. But most of all, he was upset how the
name misused the designation of a chemical element which can not be found
in apples. Mike found another blatant error in a book where the vitamin C
content of an apple was given 21% too high - a clear violation of
scientific principles. This must have been a rude "appie" attempt to come
closer to the intrinsically high vitamin C content of oranges. Mike also
felt bad about a computer company that had even chosen the apple as their
corporate logo, totally undeservedly overstating the importance of this
fruit.

As further proof for his cause, Mike decided to perform experiments,
throwing the two types of fruit against a solid wall and against each
other. While the apples were mostly getting smashed, the oranges often
stayed intact because of their stronger shell. Mike, of course, maintained
fair conditions by always using the same hand to throw them. He documented
his experiments with photos he took with a digital camera, always at the
exact moment of the impact. Based on this evidence, Mike spent many days
and nights to ascertain the superiority of oranges with strength
calculations.

One day, Mike proudly presented the results on his new website he
christened "I Want You to Eat Oranges". He polemically demanded that all
apple farms be burnt down to the ground, all apple farmers be executed and
all apple eaters be re-educated to love oranges. Of course, he did not
mean that seriously but it was only a style of presentation for his
findings which were, as he frequently reaffirmed on the site, firmly based
on scientific principles. He admitted that no fruit could possibly be
perfect, but regarding oranges, bananas, raspberries and even pears, it
was safe to say that apples just tasted the worst. As opposed to what
people were always claiming about "healthful apples", Mike pointed out
that there were often worms in them, which he believed was previously
unknown evidence why "appies" would have to reconsider their opinion.
Apples are dirty, they are cheap, there are far too many of them. Everyone
is just talking about apples as if there was nothing better to eat.
Moreover, they are grown in countries with communist and racist
suppression. And apple trees are downright ugly anyway.

The apple is evil. Those who defend this abominable fruit must be blind
morons, just like the Creationists in Kansas who dare to claim, with their
laughable pseudoscientific arguments, that Adam and Eve once ate from, you
guess it, an apple.

Special thanks to Bernd Schneider for permission to reprint this lovely
post from The Subspace Comms
Network, and to the fellow who made the following in reference to it: