Teresums, You’ve Got Things to Learn From Me!

PAUL: Fast! Quit your abusing yourself like a depraved priest with a comely donkey, and answer me — your choice: Anal vibrators or flavored condoms? Chop! Chop! The question couldn’t be simpler, you twisted child, you should have the answer for me by now.

TERESUMS: Huh? “Anal vibrators or condoms”, but for what?

PAUL: Flavored condoms, but god knows you’ll be the last fossilized virgin in Sydney to ever figure out on your own why they’re flavored. I’m thinking promos. Give-aways to toss to my flesh-eaters thanking them for reading the meat I shovel into their cages. Anal vibrators or flavored condoms! Quick! Quick! Your clitoris can wait. It’s not like it’s going anywhere fast — given your pathetic odds of cornering a man.

TERESUMS: Fine! Condoms! Must you always be so abusive — not just of me but of everyone, you ignorant, ego-drunk piece of Turkish sewer trash! When they circumcised you, the doctor threw out the best part. If you tried to rob a bank, they’d pay you the cash to leave. Your mother was right — you’re as funny as a rat’s….

PAUL: Shut up and pay attention! Are you sure you’re being fair about that? I need some objectivity here. Things can be said about both vibrators and condoms. I’m thinking Chinese made Lucky Dragon’s Tongue models for the ‘brators. Can’t beat something that can bring a bear to its knees in bliss. Then again, the condoms are tasty. Decide you diva or die seconds from now!

TERESUMS: Are you sure your readers all want anal vibrators?

PAUL: You’re damn right they do! The flesh eaters are smart. They’ve got brains. They’ve got values. They’ve got sense. They know life screws them up the butt already — They’ll go for the ‘brators like crack to make it fun again.

TERESUMS: Give them the vibrators then. And get off my phone line, you self-admiring, ego-fueled excuse for a human!

PAUL: That’s what’s wrong with you, Teresums. You never have time for pleasantries or small talk. You’re always in a rush. How do you ever expect to convince a priest you’ve got what it takes to be a donkey without knowing how to charm people? You’ve got things to learn from me, you poor, poor girl.

TERESUMS: PAUL!

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Café Philos is a venture of Paul Sunstone. Paul discusses a large variety of subjects involving living, philosophy, religion, the arts and sciences, and welcomes your comments and emails.

Paul’s goal is to provoke thought and conversation without attempting to persuade anyone to adopt his beliefs.

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