A Special Kind of Pain

by farrahdomid

There’s a certain kind of pain that clings to your soul when you lose someone. Not like a break up, but when someone who means the world to you dies. When someone who brought out the life in you vanishes. It’s a nagging feeling that never goes away. Whenever you’re happy or smiling and you forget that piece of you is completely gone, it’s a reminder that sits in the back of your head. Your life will never be the same again. Nights will no longer ever be fulfilling or exciting. The moon and the beautiful night sky are now the friends that hold your shaking body as you cry. They’re the shoulder you need to cry on. The warmth you need to ease your mind, even if it’s just for a second. It’s the worst pain you’ll ever feel. You’re living and existing in a nightmare that will never end. You’re stuck and frozen, trying to figure out how it went from “Okay dad, I’ll see you next week,” to “We can’t find your dad.” You try to figure out how your life becomes involved in a missing persons case. How the shit you see on the news about people disappearing is real. People really do disappear. There’s now a giant, gaping hole where your heart should be, and as many thing as you stuff inside to fill it, nothing will stick. Nothing can replace what used to be there. The future seems bleak. It’s now fuzzy and gray and you begin to wonder how you’re even going to make it through the next day. Unfortunately, life doesn’t accept excuses. Homework assignments still need to get done, you still have to go to work, your bills still need to get paid. Checking out of my life isn’t really an option, so you keep floating on by, hoping you’ll go by unnoticed. Hoping that by the time you take your head out of the water, things will go back to normal. Except they don’t. You’re still missing&Im still broken. There’s a special kind of pain living in my bones and it grows everyday. I can’t tell you to rest in peace because I don’t know what state you’re in. You might not be breathing, you might be getting tortured. Or you might me escaping your life on a beach somewhere. These days, I don’t know much of anything. But what I am certain of is that I’ll never be the same again. If they never find you, happiness will never find me. I’ll spend the rest of my life just floating.