My HCG (also known as “the pregnancy hormone”) came back at 270! That is an extremely strong, healthy number. They were looking for something over 100, mine was almost three times that! Caitlin said that she’d hedge her bets on twins (as many of you would as well, even long before this test). We won’t know for sure until another 2 weeks when we have an ultrasound. As a reminder, only about half of IVF women who start with twins end with twins. For now, we are just THRILLED that we have a good, solid for sure kind of pregnant.

We’re gonna have a baby!
To that point, Caitlin also assured us that we are out of our own historic kind of “danger zone”. Meaning, my numbers are so high and strong that they are not at all worried about me losing this pregnancy. Yah!!! Again, she warned gently, “anything can happen” but that now I’m just like all the other “normal” pregnant women out there with the normal chance of miscarriage. All in all, I should carry on as if this is going to be a happy, healthy pregnancy and that we are going to have a baby. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!

How I Feel
The level of exhale in my body is intense. I woke up this morning not feeling well at all but uncertain as to whether that was because of how nervous I and how much I had been “holding” or just from possibly being pregnant. Now that I feel like a 100pounds has been lifted of my chest, I know at least half of it was nerves.

I have waves of elation to disbelief (even though my body is already feeling lots more symptoms even than 2 days ago. I can’t see it in there and I’m obviously not “showing” and so part of me is like, Am I really pregnant? Is an embryo really growing in there? Sho’ nuff’, I am and it is! Maybe even two! Holy cow!!!!

We got the news from Caitlin about 1:30pm. Gina and I were together (and Caitlin made sure of that, very sweet). When we heard my blood levels were at 270 we burst into tears and laughter and joy.Caitlin started crying a long with us. I could just cry now, feeling it all over again. It’s not because of my hormones!It was truly one of the most amazing moments of my life.

What We Did After
After we got our new medical protocol from Caitlin (I still have to take those damn progesterone shots for another 2 weeks- but really, who cares?! I’m preggers!), we called our our moms and immediate family and the like-the joy was overwhelming. After all that, Gina had to leave for work. I was alone to be with this juicy goodness. So, I took a shower. Not sure why… I just needed to be naked and wet and clean and warm. I stood under the water in utter joy, looking down at my relatively flat (though semi-bloated) belly and thought to myself that in a matter of months, it will grow and by Fall, it will be big and round and my shower experience will be totally different! It’s wild the things I have been thinking about already just since finding out such solid good news.

My Gift to Me
I saw my client and by some stroke of magic, had myself really grounded. My colleague did a bit of body work on me just before hand, I’m sure that helped. After a breakthrough session for the client (how could it not be with all this amazing energy here!), I went to New Seasons to pick up a bit of food for dinner. Now that I’m totally repulsed by meat (at least I have been the last 2 days), we needed some different high protein healthy foods in the house. On the way to the check out stand I passed the book aisle.

For years, I have passed this book aisle and stopped, squatted and thumbed through the pregnancy books. Always dreaming of the day that I’d be here for my own pregnancy (not a chemical pregnancy or for a gift for a friend, but for me- for reals). So there I stood. Staring at those books. My day has arrived. And while it’s clearly very early, I have absolutely no doubt I’ll be popping out a baby by the end of the year. And so, without making myself long for even one more day, I picked up two books and put them in my basket. A gift to me. A little offering of pleasure for having done all we did and making it here.

I have so much more to say about all of your love and the gratitude I have for you all, our community. And even more to say on the vulnerability that I already feel in being pregnant. But I’ll leave that for another blog post. For now, I’m callin’ it a day.

Next steps?Friday, March 25: Blood work for HCG testing
They are looking for my numbers to roughly double by then (Caitlin said she’d hope to see them around 500). If that happens and all looks well they’ll schedule an ultrasound for about 2 weeks from then. And another ultrasound 2 weeks after that.

And then? I’m released from the “reproductive specialists” and I’m thrown out into the world of all the other normal pregnant women out there. No fuss, no special treatment. I can hardly wait.

Next to the day I married Gina, I have never had a happier day in all my life. Thank you ALL for sharing in it with us- being just as just as anxious in the days leading up to this amazing result and now just as excited for us. It’s just been incredible.

Is this the longest 9 days EVER or what?! Blood test is Wednesday and today is Monday. Heads up: Gina and I may not tell y’all asap just to let ourselves have a little private time with whatever the news is. We won’t keep you waiting too long, though. Promise!

It Takes a Village
Many of you have left vmails, emails and texts sharing with me/us your prayers and imagery of implantation. We love it! We know the cumulative efforts of all of you are making a difference. My friend Jen called me on her birthday (with that big gorgeous special moon) and told me she’s imagining and visualizing juicy, bloody, rich, deep implantation. How’s that for specific?! Now, days later, you all can imagine a little human(s) being created in a small bubble (the amnion) with the beginnings of a spine, a tail and a cardiovascular system. So small, about 5 of them could fit inside the space of this period (.). Trip out, right?

Your QuestionsMany of you have asked how I am feeling, what I’ve been doing to keep busy and how we feel about twins. So, here’s the whattup. Not in that order.

Twins or ?Many of you are asking how we feel about twins and whether you should be praying and visualizing twins. While our fantasy of twins seem awesome, the reality seems a bit daunting. And so we ask that you simply pray (or hope or whatever you do) for highest good, for what wants to happen. If two babies want to come to us, we have big open hearts and know it’ll all work out perfectly. We will be ecstatic about either a singleton or two.

The Doin’sWell, the first three days I was on bedrest as you know. Then I had acupuncture (my first outing as you may remember). Since then I have continued to take it easy.

Post bed-rest I’ve watched a bunch of documentaries and set up my netflix queue for the next 3 years. I loaded up and started reading more on my Kindle. I’m currently addicted to learning everything I can about MLK, Maya Angelou and Nelson Mandela. I got photos of all of them for my alter. Not sure why this sudden craving but there it is and so I’m goin’ with it.

By the week’s end, we ventured out a bit more. We ate BBQ and I used a Groupon at Pistalls to get some plants for our terrarium. Saturday we cleaned house a tiny bit (nothing too strenuous) and then headed out for the best burger in town and later to look at art in galleries in The Pearl. We hit our favorite place first, Bullseye Gallery. It’s an amazing glass gallery and this time there were large installation pieces from freshly graduated students- a real treat. One piece is pictured here below; the viewer is invited to take one little, already-made origami boat and place it in the installation piece. Well, I just couldn’t help myself. I figured this was a lovely moment to pay tribute to my two tiny passengers (this adorable term was coined by dear friend, story + word guru Pema Teeter). So, being one who almost always breaks the rules (sorry, Mom), I picked up two little boats and placed them side by side on the installation piece. I said a little prayer and there they stay.

My Two Tiny Passengers

My Tinies in a sea of others....

Later, still in the gallery, Gina headed upstairs (something that is not yet on the “allowable list of things to do” for me). I waited downstairs. There was a really nice comfy couch and suddenly I found myself very sleepy. Those who know me know that I’m not prone to napping, much less in public in the middle of the day. But there I lay, for a good 20 minutes, asleep on the couch in the art gallery! Of course, I hoping that level of fatigue is a good sign.

Later still, we had a St. Patty’s day party to attend. By 6pm we were home to lock up the chickens and I was in my comfys and curled up warm. That was a big day for me after the previous week’s bedrest.

Sunday I made a yummy breakfast (mostly made yummy by bacon, our chickens’ eggs and warm buttermilk biscuits), Gina cleaned some and we played a good game of chess. We had a friend’s 40th birthday party to attend that day and there were hundreds of babies there. Okay, maybe not hundreds but it sure felt like it! I kissed them all and rubbed their heads. I swear those babies were looking at me differently. As if they could see the energy of my tiny passengers growing inside me. Again, we headed home early and I tucked in to my warm comfys.

In between all that activity, I allow myself to move slow, nothing sudden fast or loud. We once had a chinese doc keep me on bedrest for the entire two weeks. We did that twice but I happened to not get preggers either time. While we are not doing that this time, we are keeping with the spirit of “incubation”: quiet, warm and still.

I’ve kept my mind a bit busy by working on a little craft project at home. Again, those who know me know that I am not a crafty girl. But, one day, laying all blissed-out in acupuncture, I was feeling immense gratitude for the team of people that have been primary contributors and supporters to us along our journey–from health care providers to friends listening, supporting and praying. Then I got this image of a bouquet of flowers with each person represented. So, before we went in for the transfer, I got all the supplies and worked on it slowly over the last week. By today, one week post transfer, I finished it. I just love it! It makes me so happy to pass by it all day.

Fertility Team Bouquet

Some of you share a flower... you are all in good company!

The Feelin’
On to the question “How are you feeling?”

When I answer this question, I realize there are two parts. One is how my mind is. The other is my body. The two are so intertwined it ultimately becomes a very difficult question to answer.

Mind
My mind can really do a number. Hoping, wanting, waiting. Longing. As my friend Kerry so eloquently said today, “Limbo is my form of hell.” Here, here, sister. And this is the most intense waiting I’ve ever known. Even after all these years of having to do this wait (and maybe even because of it), this time is more intense than ever. I also wonder will there be one? Two? If I am pregnant will it stick? Can my body hold it? Will I get so lucky? Will I be able to believe it? I think about it all the time. Every few minutes, really. Even in the middle of the night when I wake up and roll over, I think about it. It’s never not with me.

I listen to guided imagery and affirmation audio by Bellruth Napertak every morning and night. It’s making a HUGE difference in keeping me sane, pretty calm (considering) and focused on the positive.

Body
I have a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I mean, a lot. BUT in the IVF classes we attended the nurses and docs warned us to not get thrown by that… the hormone shots I am on and the estridol pills I’m swallowing can simulate pregnancy symptoms. And so, the aching boobs, the increased intensity of smells (hair product, beef, Gina’s chapstick), the bloated belly, crampy uterus, and yes, even that random nap in the art gallery, could all mean nothing. Enter The Mind going nutty again and we have a full circle.

So, that’s how I am.

I have a busy day again tomorrow. More acupuncture, a work trip out to Nike and new clients in the evening. That’s good. I’ll hopefully go to sleep early and when I wake up it’ll be Wednesday. Test day. Thank God.

I can’t thank you enough for being with us in this way on this crazy, wonderful journey.

Likely I won’t write again until we have results. Until then we wait, wait, wait.

It took a small village, though, that’s for sure. Gina was amazing. And I didn’t do so bad myself, either. I followed instructions really well (even when part of me wanted something different). Being served breakfast and lunch and whatever else by friends was humbling (and odd) to say the least but incredibly good for rounding out the rough edges of that same old theme I keep coming up against: surrender and receive. It’s incredible how vulnerable that part was.

By last night (Wednesday night) I was absolutely STIR CRAZY- so much so I began moaning! My body ached from laying so still and the hair on the back of my head hurt from rubbing the pillow for days. My mind was tired of reading, watching netflix and playing games on my iphone that I couldn’t focus on much. I had this fantasy that I’d finish a nice long book, I’d be super rested–in some ways a vacation of sorts. It wasn’t like that at all. Instead, I was really working getting those little buggers to implant!

Since I wasn’t allowed to do stairs I stayed in one room (other than the bathroom and then our bedroom to sleep). We’ve been having record breaking lows here in Portland so I’ve had the heater on. But at one point, I wanted fresh air so Gina opened the window; I was shocked to smell the cold and the rain, to hear the birds singing, chickens crooning, wind blowing. After just 2.5 days. I couldn’t help but think about people locked up for years.

Waking up this morning and being able to shower and walk downstairs was like heaven! I looked out all our windows and inside our home with new eyes.

The Work of Implantation
Besides being diligent about not moving, getting up, using my legs or stomach muscles (this means not stretching to reach for something or lifting my computer off my lap, or grab a passing kitty), I did a variety of useful things that helped me pass the time. I listened to this really great CD that my acupuncturists gave me that brought me through very cool visualizations of fertilization and implantation. I looked at lots of videos on youtube to see as many implantation images as I could find. I read all kinds of things from iphone apps to books I have on these first few days of creation. No matter how much I saw, read and did though, I STILL don’t know what’s going on inside me. And so there were times I really did just surrender and didn’t worry about doing all the right things. I just watched TV and let go.

On one hand I have to just be with the “not knowing”, on the other hand, there is a part of me the KNOWS deeply that this worked. However you slice it, I have a feeling it’s going to be a long week waiting for the final word.

What About the other Embryos?
Many of you are curious about the other embryos. We chose to freeze them for future use (either if this go doesn’t work and/or if we want another child(ren). The embryologists told me that they only freeze embryos that are really high quality. They typically wait one more day after the transfer (day 6) to see which make the cut. In the end, we had 2 frozen. The rest are destroyed. That’s about all there is to say about that.

Dreams
I haven’t been tracking or logging all my dreams here but suffice to say that each night I’ve been dreaming baby dreams. Last night, I dreamt my friend Rhona was very pregnant and in labor. My sister, Diana and friend JJK were there…I was helping Rhona swim underwater in a pool. Projection? Hope so!

Waiting
I head in to acupuncture today (Thursday). My first venture out of the house since Monday. It’s only been a few days of being inside but it feels like a month and so I wonder what it will be like to drive.

My uterus is lightly crampy on and off. Caitlin tells me that’s normal and to stay hydrated (which I am beyond belief). I imagine it’ll just be like this for a while.

For now, we stay busy. I’ll still lay low for the next week or so but at least we have a few birthday parties and things to keep us and our minds busy.

Thank you for your candles, calls, texts, emails, prayers and love. I say this every time (and every time it’s even more true)… it all makes such a difference.

After a good night’s sleep (and some great baby dreams) I woke up and went for a walk. It was a gorgeous spring morning. I wanted blood flow and fresh air.

We killed time until we showered, packed a little lunch (while my favorite theme song serendipitously came on the radio) and left at noon. During that time we got a call from the embryologist sharing amazing news. “You have nine total embryos that made it to day 5 and three that are just beautiful! Will you be putting back 1 or 2?” We said that we’d talked with Dr. H about 2 but that we planned on hearing his recommendation today. She said, “Well, perfect, then. They’ve self selected. You have 2 that are at the highest grade we give: 4AA. They are just excellent!” She sounded so happy about this it made us cry.

We called my mom and told her the good news and she cried too. It feels like this whole process just keeps getting more and more blessed and magical.

Needless to say we were thrilled and I, in particular, was in a giddy mood. Though I did still feel some nerves and excitement but that didn’t last long before we got to the clinic and my acupuncturist did her magic.

Acupuncture in my ears. Acupuncturist is Liz Richards Blossom Clinic.

Transfer Prep They got me undressed and on a medical bed. The room was super heated which was nice. The embryologist came in and reviewed the embryos again, my acupunturist kept working her magic and they slipped me a valium to relax me. Dr. Heslea came in as well and again, he was all aglow. He had the biggest grin on his face when he said, “Well! You have some gorgeous embryos growing!” Gina said, “Ah, you say that to all the girls.” He laughed and said, “No! I wish I could! Yours look just perfect. You are very fortunate.”

The embryologist and Dr. H talked with us about how many embryos to transfer, the likelihood of twins, and the risks of twins. Of his patients who transfer back 2 embryos (which he recommended for us), about 2/3 of those women become pregnant with twins. Then, about half of that 2/3’s bring twins to full term (the other half lose the second fetus, it’s commonly called vanishing twin syndrome). In the end, we chose to transfer 2 embryos. Doing the math, that gives us about a 33% chance of having twins; although my acupuncturist thinks it might be higher given I am not ‘infertile’ and I am so healthy, fsh so low, bloodwork and uterus all so good. I don’t really feel like we are going to have twins but then I’ve been surprised every step of the way so who knows.

I laid on the bed with lights dim in silence for a bit there after, breathing deeply, focusing and visualizing and waiting for the valium to take effect. My bladder was being checked frequently by the nurse (it needs to be full but not too full because I have to lay still for an hour after).

The Transfer
When we were all set, they wheeled me to another room (a surgery room) where it was dark and warm. Soft, lovely music was piped in. There was a small window to the lab where my little embryos were. They told me they did it this way so that the embryos don’t have to travel too far.

There was a TV monitor up on the ceiling so that I could see it perfectly from where I was laying. On the screen was an image of our two little embryos. It was amazing and surreal! THERE THEY WERE! One (or maybe two) of those little clusters will be our child someday.

Embryos: The one on the left is just starting to "hatch".

Normally, they don’t let partners come in the room but I think after a 5 year relationship with Dr. H (and perhaps his soft spot for Gina), he had her get all dressed in proper attire and allowed her to join. I was so happy.

Dr. H took a few pics of Gina while they were prepping me in surgery room.

There was a big light above Dr. H sort of shining right at my yoni but felt like it was in my eyes so I just kept them closed and relaxed. They triple checked my name and birthdate to match the embryos with me and off we went.

Dr. H did the speculum, the catheter and then nodded to the nurse and magically a long skinny tube appeared. Gina tapped me quickly so I would open my eyes and see. Dr. H took the tube and inserted it into the catheter, all the while the nurse would not let go of the end (safety precaution, I’m sure). He took a long time injecting the embryos. We’ve been told he’s stellar at the transfer part, too. And it was clear as he really took his time and was incredibly focused.

It was all painless and fun even. When it was over Dr. H said, again with a smile and more than a bit of peace, “Everything went perfectly.”

Resting
The nurse wheeled me back into my original room where my acupuncturist worked her magic again. She did a protocol that brings blood and chi to my uterus. After about 15 minutes I had to pee so bad it hurt so they put a bedpan under my hips and let me pee. Sweet Jesus that felt good.

After that I fell asleep for about 45 minutes. After strict instructions on how to stay on bedrest, I got up slowly and with help. Gina got me dressed and then went downstairs and warmed the car. The nurse gave us a picture of our embryos “for our baby book hopefully” and put me in a wheel chair and wheeled me down the hall, then elevator where eventually I landed in the warm car. I laid down in the car on the way home and I ate my little sandwich and apples I had packed. It was already after 3pm!

Home care instructions. They are not kidding around!

Home
I climbed in the day bed, ate a bit of warm soup and took a 2.5 hour nap. By the time I woke up it was 7:30. Holy cow! I felt some light uterine cramping but I think that’s a bit normal. I’m not to sit up anymore than a 45 degree angle or use my thigh muscles really. So, I just got real still and relaxed again with my hands on my belly.

If and when implantation happens, it will happen in the first 24 hours- 3 days later. Odd to think it could be happening at anytime. Maybe even already! If you’d like to see what implantation looks like, check out this link. Go to the video #4. Very cool. This is what I keep visualizing.

So now I lay low, basically being still, visualizing, taking meds, eating well, trusting and intending.

I can hardly believe this day has come and almost gone. We did it! Well, we did this much anyway. Now we wait. Pregnancy blood test on March 23rd. Hang tight!

It’s Sunday evening. The night before the embryo transfer. The day we’ve been waiting for for a long, long time. It’s surreal that it’s here.

ProgesteroneAlmost surreal, that is. As dreamy as the evening may be these really fucking painful (new) shots of progesterone in oil (PIO) make it all a reality. Holy Moly, those hurt! It’s not the shot itself (even though it’s a longer 1 1/2 inch needle that has to be plunged all the way in the muscle part of my butt where nerves are, and has to be injected over a long 2 minutes) it’s that it’s in oil (sesame oil to be exact) and is painful for the body to absorb it over the following 24-28 hours. The first time we did the shot, it hurt a bit the hour after but woke me up in the middle of the night and by 2pm the following day I could barely walk without a limp and getting up and down made me sweat! It felt like how you might feel after you’ve had a really bad skiing accident and been deeply bruised or broken.

Gina and I googled a bit to learn what other women out there do to make these less painful (we’d heard these new shots would be bad but didn’t realize it was for days, we thought just in the moment). Up until now I’ve stayed off the internet and IVF chat groups. And am glad for it, but also glad that we checked this PIO thing out now and got some advice. Turns out there are a few tricks; like heating the oil in the needle for 15 minutes, then sitting on a heating pad for 15-20 minutes after and massaging the whole butt cheek for a long while, too. We did all those things and while still painful today, MUCH more tolerable. Whew. More like I’ve had a hard work out. Thank goodness, because I am suppose to get these shots for 2 weeks and I wasn’t sure how I was going to tolerate it (and some women don’t, we learned).

The other side effect of the progesterone is that it seems to be making me a bit cranky. Whereas the estrogen was like taking ecstasy (MDMA), this is definitely NOT that. Though, it’s hard to tease it all out, too because then I also had all those eggs in me and all that creation. It was magical. And now I’m excited and even a bit nervous about tomorrow so my change in mood could be from that, too.

Prepping for the Big DayGina and I spent much of the weekend prepping for the big day and for me to be on bedrest the following few days. Turns out, there’s a lot of planning involved to get a girl on her back for the better part of a week. Besides having a clean house with food in the fridge (soups made and ready to go, etc.), we got the room I’ll stay in ready, Gina arranged all the “Regina sitters” as she likes to call them (for the times that she’s at work), I wrapped up work stuff, we did last minute errands, and then of course I got as much outdoor air and walking in as I could get (though it’s been cold and pouring down nasty rain all day).

One fun thing we did to get ready was have a night out. A treat. We went to Ken’s Artisan Pizza. A place that I was craving and later realized was the place Gina and I were at when we chose our current donor (yep, the man of the hour, the one who is currently fertilizing my eggs). While we were home and in bed early it was good to drink (what I trust will be) a last glass of wine and toast our little embryos growing over there on 19th and Lovejoy, the donor, and each other. Needless to say, that night felt like a full circle.

Ken's Artisan Pizza

RitualThe last thing we did to prep for tomorrow was a ritual.

We lit a candle a friend gave us (in a great little “bedrest care package”, complete with the lovely candle below, chocolates and magazines- very sweet), sat on the couch and each made a list of the fears, crap and concerns we are letting go of. Then we made lists of the things we are standing for and grateful for.

Standing in front of the fireplace, we used the gifted candle to burn the fears away. Then, we read out loud our intentions and gratitudes and put them in a big vase that I’ve used for previous gratitude exercises. It even already had a little “What am I grateful for?” signage on it. Perfect.

The ritual felt good. It felt cleansing and it felt right. I feel partnered, full of love and ready to go.

Keeping it Real
As ready as I am for the transfer tomorrow, I notice that my cool, steady, confident mood is not quite the same as it has been. I’m a little bit nervous (seriously, not a lot, but enough to say it out loud and let it breath).

Before the ritual I was nervous about things that were less rational (what if no embryos survived, what if something is wrong with me and I’m a failure, etc.) but now, post-ritual, I just feel a bit unsure about the unknown.What will it be like to rest and be so still?Will it work?
What will it be like to rest deeply and have friends here helping?
Will my hoping and not knowing if it’s “taking” drive me insane? Will that insanity ruin my chances of this working? Will I then, fuck it up?

After tomorrow, all the “work” I’ve done up until now will be done. Sure there’ll still be a few pills and shots to take but really, there’s not a lot else to do except incubate (which I know is actually the most potent part but my western mind doesn’t totally buy it). Up until now, I could really “stay on top of it” by “Doing” all the right things. I got to buy in to the illusion of control. All those doc appointments, charting, pilling, needling, massaging, praying, supplementing, exercising, etc… made me feel like I could actually control the outcome. Oy.

In the next few days all that will be called for from me is to surrender and receive (no wonder I’m nervous… those are two things that don’t necessarily come easy to me!). Let go, let God. All I get to do is relax. In fact, explicit instructions… DO NOT GET OUT OF BED UNLESS YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM. I am to stay laying down mostly, too (no greater than a 45 degree angle). I’m not sure that I’ve ever slowed down this much this long in my life when I wasn’t sick. Of course I’ll still eat well, pray, take my supplements and meds and by the second week will be back to a normal kind of life (though still taking it easy). Interesting still, that the slowing down part is what feels most vulnerable, most “out of control”.

That said, it’s also the part of this whole process that I am most looking forward to. Besides getting to read magazines and catch up on documentaries, I’ll get to just rest, be quiet, be still. And, perhaps my body will get to heal a bit. Truth is, as much fun as I’ve been having with this process, it’s pretty intense and has really taken a toll on my body by now (recovery from surgery hasn’t been easy on my belly and meds in general are a bit harsh). And so, there is a big part of me that is deeply hungry for and craving the silence I’m about to enter.

Pray
As always, we are grateful for your prayers, good thoughts and good energy you send our way. We know we are held in light and highest good. We watched I Am and we are believers that way. 🙂 In that, we believe your prayers and love really do land with us (and our embryos) and make a difference.

Our appointment time is at 12:30pm pdt and the actual transfer will be somewhere between 1:15-1:30. We’ll be home by 2:30.

So, bring what you got, if you are so inclined. We’ll open our hearts to receive your love across town, across the ocean and across the lands. And we thank you.

Our beloved Idgie passed just over 2 years ago and within weeks I started seeing the number 14 everywhere. It was odd really. Sometimes in particular I would see the number 5:14, which happens to be my birthday. It wasn’t just that I happened to look at the clock right on the 14th minute of every hour, however. I saw the number on my itunes play lists, billboards, messages, stand-in-line number at the meat counter. You name it, 14 was everywhere. Finally, a few months later (when Gina must have been sick of hearing me talk about it), she said to me, “Did it ever occur to you that it’s Idgie? Her way of letting you know she’s here with you? I mean, 14 is your birthday, it is how old she was when she passed and (one other thing I can’t remember now).”

It hit me like a ton of bricks- chills all over my body. Gina was right. It’s Idgie. Her angelic nature, right there, still with me. Through tears, I felt immediately at peace.

Over the years, I have since been comforted by this pheneomenon. And while I don’t see the number 14 as much as I once did, I see it more than any other number. Perhaps because I’m looking? Doesn’t really matter. When I see it, I say, “Hi Idg!” or, “Night, Idg. Love you.” And so it goes. It’s my way of staying connected to her and maybe even her way of staying connected to me.

Monday is the day of the embryo transfer. It’s the day we have been working towards, in some ways, for years… certainly for the better part of the last 6 months. Every single day, we take meds, see docs, eat well, go to acupunture… all in order to get to this coming Monday.

And just what do you think is the date of the embryo transfer? What else would it be? The 14th. Monday, March 14th. I know that we humans make meaning out of everything. But I always say, does that meaning empower you or disempower you? It would be a gross understatment to say this empowers me.

I’m not one to bruise easily. I never have been. It takes a lot for me to turn color, so I consider myself lucky when I look at these pics. My acupuncturists tells me that some women’s bellies are just entirely black, blue and green by this time.

Still, wanted to share with you what my belly looked like in the end. I only bruised occasionally and if you look closely you can see all the little red dots where I have been recently stuck but didn’t bruise. That said, while the bruises hurt, my whole belly was tender to the touch, like a bruise without the color.