Are you confused as to what constitutes the modern man? Don’t fret: here is a quick primer on how to be a man today. You were wondering so, yes, here is an odd numbered list of things to hang your dick on.

1. The modern man forgets to call the modern man’s parents.

2. The modern man will easily talk someone out of going to college.

3. The modern man can point out Kendall Jenner in a Kardashian-Jenner family photo.

4. The modern man does not care for the advisory acronym “NSFW.” The modern man will click on any thing at any time in any place.

5. The modern man pets at least two dogs a day.

6. The modern man has been penetrated at least five times. By finger, by dildo, by another penis, the modern man has traveled through the mirror to experience both sides.

7. The modern man does not use Vine.

8. The modern man doesn’t have a family. The modern man is more like an amoeba that passes the modern self around to whoever else is in need of another body. The modern man is just a blob.

9. The modern man has once shaved chest hair off and, now that the experience is out of the way, refuses to do it again. The modern man is an advocate against shaving off body hair.

10. The modern man hates a term like “the modern man.” The modern man prefers something with a lot less baggage (and a lot more sophistication).

11. The modern man is confused by the term “wife.”

12. The modern man can explain to you what a furry is. The modern man administers this information without any baggage because, really, the modern man does not care either way about what comes with being a furry.

13. The modern man can read a book.

14. The modern man uses less than three emojis a day save for the Tweet, text, or update that is solely in emoji, an act that typically takes well over twenty emojis.

15. The modern man doesn’t have a penis. The modern man knows that a penis does not make a man.

16. The modern man does not post a photo of the modern self on any social media account without a shirt. Unless the modern man is desperate for attention. Then the modern man hashtags the shit out of that post.

17. The modern man never comments on anyone’s weight. The modern man doesn’t care.

18. The modern man doesn’t even care about the modern man’s own weight except when the modern man is looking in the mirror naked while a little drunk and thinking about how the modern man should work out the next morning even though the modern man doesn’t want to and never will. The modern man doesn’t regret the interaction, though.

19. The modern man does not need a car. The modern man has public transportation because the modern man understands that every action has a reaction and the reaction of driving a car every day is ruining the earth.

20. The modern man knows how to breastfeed.

21. The modern man doesn’t know what a child is.

22. The modern man has at least two phone numbers memorized.

23. The modern man always has a candle lit in the home because the modern man realizes that scent is a very important sense to engage.

24. The modern man gets pedicures.

25. The modern man can explain the anatomy of a vagina in full anatomical detail.

26. The modern man can drink a bottle of wine—alone—in an evening and successfully dodge a hangover.