Another Modification question

DH (dear husband) and BM have 50/50. DH (dear husband) family is pushing for us to go for full custody. BM is seriously a toxic person - she's an alcoholic who can't admit it, along with personality disorders. In January, she ODd on pills when she found out we wanted to get married.

Flash forward nine months, and things seen to be going downhill again. We document (we try to) everything, and the pattern is pretty clear. When we have the boys, she injects herself daily into DHs life. She called last night crying about having no money (same story from June). She talks to the kids 4-5 times a day at times. In addition, the hatefulness that's directed towards me when they return is tough. DH (dear husband) nips it in the bud now, but still.

I'm jaded by the family custody law - I feel that even if we try for full custody, it'll be wasted effort. I've seen the court system fail so many times. I want to support DH, but fear we are going to blow a ton of money, and nothing changes. She can drink (which in their divorce, neither party are supposed to while the children are in their custody), work to teach them disrespect, etc.

I want them to have the bond with her, don't get me wrong. How/will a judge see that we are more of a stable home than hers?

Comments (20)

You're right OP. The way that the courts are structured, getting full custody in this situation is nearly impossible. Unless BM gets arrested for drinking and driving with the boys in the car, you will not get full custody. You can petition for domicilliary parent, where the boys are with you during school days and are with BM on weekends. If you feel that her house and instability is affecting their academic performance, then I do suggest that you try for this arrangement. I think it would be better for the boys if your house was where they spend a majority of the time. But full custody, no, you just don't have enough for that.

She's done the drinking and driving with them in the car once - she was dropping them off when it happened. Of course, she denies it. But she was giggly and swerving - and she isn't the giggly type.

It takes us about three/four days to get the kids acting appropriately once the return. Heck, last night I asked them to get their homework while dinner was finishing up, and the did it!!! I was stunned!! Lol

I would tell the courts that I was worried about the substance use, and believed that she may have driven the children while intoxicated. At that point the judge will likely order a substance use assessment which should professionally evaluate the situation.

I would tell the courts that I was worried about the substance use, and believed that she may have driven the children while intoxicated. At that point the judge will likely order a substance use assessment which should professionally evaluate the situation.

^^^But this will likely change little in the custody situation. BM is drinking alcohol, which is a legal substance. Furthermore, OP (original poster) has no real proof of the alcoholism that she claims for BM (no legal proof--arrests, treatment under a doctor). So what you have is a he said/she said as far as substance abuse is concerned, because there is no way to test for past alcohol use (unlike other substances) and you could only really test for current use (i.e. breathalizer test). If BM shows up in court drunk then you've got a case, but less of that, all she has to do is deny the allegations being made.

This would be a tough case to get a judge to rule for professional evaluation. And since alcohol is legal and BM denies her problem, the question becomes how much is too much. BM will likely lie about her consumption and the professional will find little to go on. So you have just spent $5K for BM to lie to someone. Even if the professional were to find that she is an alcoholic, if she goes into a treatment program, there is no way that the kids would be taken away from her. If OP's goal were to make BM more stable, this could possibly work but it would have to be based on BM wanting to change, which is really a long shot.

BM is a master manipulator. She knows the right things to say, etc to get what she wants. I've pretty much realized that until she either tries to
OD again, or gets pulled over for drink driving with the kids in the car, there isn't much we can do. She also doesn't think she has a problem; so until she realizes it, she won't change.

I just have to hope the kids eventually see through her - one has already commented to DH (dear husband) that she lies all the time and is afraid to be around her and the BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) when they fight.

If you thought she was drunk once when she dropped the kids off, you should have notified police as soon as she left. They would have pulled her over to determine whether or not she was drunk. You would have had documentation at that point.

Jennifer - true. I think we were both so shocked that she'd do that (at that time-since she'd just gotten the kids back without supervised visits) we were dumb-struck. She voluntarily gave DH (dear husband) the kids after her OD. We had then for 7 weeks, which one kid got the most improved student!!

DH (dear husband) and I have agreed, that if/when it happens again, we are calling. Personally, I'd like to call for "welfare checks" when we think/believe she's been drinking.

Unfortunately the best you can do is hope that she fucks up really bad in front of the kids.

Were the kids present when she attempted suicide?

How sad. I actually hope your SK's never have to witness BM doing something "really bad." Even if it does get you full custody. Shame on anyone for "hoping" kids were present when BM tried to commit suicide... Even if that's the only way OP (original poster) can ever get full custody, I hope she never gets it then, because I can't imagine any child being the same child after something like that.

Unfortunately the best you can do is hope that she fucks up really bad in front of the kids.

Were the kids present when she attempted suicide?

How sad. I actually hope your SK's never have to witness BM doing something "really bad." Even if it does get you full custody. Shame on anyone for "hoping" kids were present when BM tried to commit suicide... Even if that's the only way OP (original poster) can ever get full custody, I hope she never gets it then, because I can't imagine any child being the same child after something like that.

Oh jeez Jennifer, you're just on a roll this week!

I never said that I hope the kids are present when/if their mother attempts suicide. Saying "unfortunately the best you can do is hope that she fucks up really bad in front of the kids" was a way of saying that's how bad it needs to get for the OP (original poster) and her DH (dear husband) to get custody.

As most of us who've been through Family Court know (you excluded, since you've been lucky enough to not have to deal with it) for a BM to lose custody she has to be a true fuck up. Not only a true fuck up, but UNFORTUNATELY be one in front of the kids for the Courts to do anything.

Asking if the kids were present when BM attempted suicide was a legitimate question as that would give OP (original poster) grounds to file.

Do you bother reading between the lines? Do you normally just twist people words around this often? Are you having a bad week?

ETA: Also, even if those kids weren't there to witness her "attempted" suicide doesn't mean that they're not being exposed to terrible dangers and things that might change their entire lives. If not, go talk to any child who grows up with an alcoholic parent to see what their lives were like and how many of them are suffering from being exposed to a drunk parent.

The unfortunate part of this whole thing is that because the way the system is set-up it takes just that much more for a BD (baby dance (sex)) to get custody of his kids from a dysfunctional mother. I have known people who's BM has been arrested on DWI with the kids in the car and they still keep custody because the Courts give them "one more chance."

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