Thank god an assistant elementary school principal is still alive today. His recent "slapping" attack by a kindergartner must have been really scary. It's hard to know what's scarier, actually -- that, or the fact that someone supposedly called 911 on a 5-year-old, or commenters on a news site saying they wish they were that assistant principal so they could take that child over their knee "whipping his hind end quicker than he would of know and I bet he wouldn't of done that ever again."

But this story gets even scarier -- or funnier, depending how you look at it. Here is what appeared on the news site reporting the event:

The kindergartner has been suspended from school but was not arrested. The assistant principal wasn't seriously injured.

I'm laughing but only for five seconds until the tears of sadness overtake. This poor poor kid. Let's break it down:

The kindergartner has been suspended. Kids should not hit adults and that does need to be dealt with, but this really isn't the best way to create a positive, nurturing experience for a child during his first weeks of school ever. It is, however, probably a great way to ensure he or she will drop out by ninth grade.

But was not arrested. Was that even a consideration? Would the assistant principal have to take the stand? Do they make potties that small in prison?

The assistant principal wasn't seriously injured. At least not physically. No word about any short- or long-term mental trauma he or she may have had or might experience.

Sorry, but it's hard to be serious about a situation so absurd. The fact this even made online news wires is troubling, or a sign that it's a really really really slow news day. There are no details yet as to why this child attacked the principal, but it doesn't really matter. Something is going on with that kid, or with his parents, or both, and someone needs to find out what that is and step in gently and with compassion -- fast.

I don't know how I would react if the school called me to report my 5-year-old had slapped and scratched an educator, but I know exactly what I would do if I were that assistant principal. I would apply some Bacitracin and then give that kid the biggest hug in the world and tell him everything is going to be okay. Then call in the parents, psychologists, or even social services as necessary, but definitely leave men in uniforms carrying guns off the list. A gross overreaction or a zero tolerance policy gone totally out of control. Just no. No no no no no.

What's the best way to deal with a kindergartner who attacks a teacher or school staffer?