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Atheist pope forsakes believers for godless

Pope Francis, en route to taking it easy on yet another group of the hell-bound.

Pope Francis, the Mahknovist redistributionist bishop of Rome, has taken yet another sledgehammer to the foundations of Christian faith by daring to assert that atheists – like Richard Dawkins, say, or the big fella out of Penn & Teller – are not all horrible people who go around mugging elderly widows and telling children that Santa Claus is fake.

“The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone!,” ranted the pope, quoting from the unpublished diatribes of Christopher Hitchens. “‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone! And this Blood makes us children of God of the first class! We are created children in the likeness of God and the Blood of Christ has redeemed us all!”

The pontiff went on to further separate himself from the bedrock Christian message of narrow exclusivity by heretically insisting:

“If we, each doing our own part, if we do good to others, if we meet there, doing good, and we go slowly, gently, little by little, we will make that culture of encounter: we need that so much. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

Naturally, this has thrown observers into bewilderment.

Glenn Beck’s The Blaze was first to suss out the dangerous implications of the pope’s unhinged speculation, noting: “Atheist activists have long touted the notion that one doesn’t have to be religious to be considered a ‘good’ person. On Wednesday, non-believers’ claims were given some credence when Pope Francis endorsed this view during Mass.”

The Religion News Service soberly noted that the pope’s strange notions “may prompt a theological debate about the nature of salvation,” because if atheists are good people, too, what the hell’s the point in getting up early on Sunday?