Cheating & Infidelity....How can you forgive & forget?

boys36

Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Ok,
most of you know my story. But I have a question about
infidelity.............. My hubby slept with 3 women in a 6
month period while we were separated. I was also seeing someone
else during this time. My question is ...........I am having
trouble forgiving and forgetting. Some days I go over and over
this in my mind. I have been to counseling and I just cant seem
to let it go. I don't want this to make me angry and bitter. We
have been married 11 years. But we were separated .And I left
him. We are not drug users but I thought maybe someone else had
been through this and tell me how they got past the hurt and
anger. How did you forget and go on? My marriage is worth saving
but the only one I am hurting carrying all this bitterness is
myself.

P.S. I don't even know if this is cheating since we were
separated..........and he never brings up what I did to him. How
come he has the ability to do this and I don't?
Maybe he is just stronger than me?

message board replies...

angie
Ncali

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
myboys-
I have not gone through this in my marriage - however my husband
and I back before we were married - both slept with other people
- OHHHHHHH God did it hurt when I found out - and it hurt for a
long time - BUT I had to be honest and real about it - I slept
with someone else too ... It shouldn't matter if he slept with
more then you - the number isn't important - actually by there
being SO many and you seeing someone else too - I would say
those women didn't mean anything to him - nothing more then sex
....

Not that it helps - but it is something to start with.

You guys are finally on a good path - what's done is done - and
you were aware of it all I assume before you decided to get back
together - maybe your used to the cycle ...and are looking to
create a problem because there isn't one.

I don't know really - all I know is I think your only choice is
to pray really hard about it everyday .....
Pray for him and those women and maybe you can release some of
the resentment that is poisoning you inside.

boys36

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes we
are on a good path if I don't destroy it with my anger and
bitterness. He said they were nothing to him and they didn't
matter. If they did I wouldn't be here right? I feel like they
gave him something I never could. After 11 years I am sure I am
boring to him and they were new and exciting. Why cant get this
through my head? That I do matter?

angie
Ncali

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Oh My
YOU do Matter. Does he matter to you. How much did the other man
matter ? Was he something new ... different ... did he take your
mind off your problems ...

Why are you back with your Hubby ???? Don't let these
insecurities ruin what you have.

They are fooling you. TRUST ME I struggle with them some days
myself.

forget
suzette

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
I
could forgive him.
....but I couldn't stay with him.

to me trust is a glass ball that hovers over your
relationship...
...if you cheat, lie, betray, abuse...or deceive.
OR.... if you accuse an innocent person of these things.

it shatters the ball.
....you can't fix it.

trust is the greatest gift you can have, and it's so sad when
you don't know it's there.

you know when it busts.

it's not fair to you to wonder if he's honest.
....it's not fair for him to be questioned constantly if he's
really trying.

I'd leave...
...if you don't want to leave, try a separation.

that's just what I would do.
...good luck.

I wish you the best.

lax2

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
I'll be brief... part of what he
figured out by being with those other women was that, IT IS YOU
whom he wants to be with. As a result of the separation, he is
willing to work at making it work between you. I hope you see
what I mean by this. I sometimes think I'm not being clear.
Sometimes coming together after a separation can only make your
commitment to each other stronger. You've seen what it was like
to be w/o each other, and with others, the fact that you are
together now indicates.

I guess I do know this cuz my partner moved out after 7 years.
It lasted almost a year. I've never taken him for granted since
then. This was 7 years ago. I think it made our commitment
stronger.

As for whether it was cheating, NO IT WAS NOT. And in any case
LET IT GO. He's with you know, because YOU ARE the one he loves.
Period.
Hope this helps in some way.

angie
Ncali

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
DO NOT LEAVE HIM - I
totally disagree with Suzette - yes trust is a wonderful gift -
it is very VITAL.

but you guys already did the slipping up thing - remember how
you felt when that light clicked on and you decided you DID NOT
WANNA END THINGS.

Maybe talk to him about it. Tell him you understand that it is
NOT fair that you feel the way you do when he is so accepting of
what you have done. Tell him you don't understand why - but that
your feeling very insecure and are hurting over the other women
- that your head is playing tricks on you and making you think
that he doesn't care about you like he says - that maybe your
not enough .... be honest - with out attacking him

I do this with my husband and it alls turns out much better then
when I sit around stew in my own misery and make little jabs at
him because I am being eaten up inside with my own crap ....

boys36

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes Lax what you said
makes perfect sense. Those are the words he spoke to me. I wont
leave him not now not ever. I love him totally and
unconditionally .I just want to put this in the past and forget.

angie
Ncali

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
You will never be able to
forget it - but you somehow someway you have to find a way to
accept it with out letting it tear you apart inside.

boys36

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
That is what I am
struggling with how to let this crap go without it destroying me
inside. That was my reason for this post. I cant just put it out
of my mind it wont go away. But I am totally committed to making
this work. He is not a cheater and if I would have never left
him this would not have happened. The day I left women were
crawling all over him. ( He looks like Tim McGraw) God I almost
lost the man I love more than anything. I have a second chance
now and I so don't want to screw it up.

flower
child
80744

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
you have to let it go.
I have been there ..trust me and my marriage is over. the only
thing worse then what your feeling right now is feeling it on
speed. I obsessed over the woman he was with during or
seperation..i couldn't lay on my side of the bed cuz i would
visualize her in the same spot. it was awful and it went on and
on till it tore us apart. and i was with someone during the
separation too. all i can say is now that i am clean, and non
obsessive would give anything to be able to forgive him and
start over with our kids..it took me a long time to understand
he could be with them and it didn't mean he didn't love
me..honestly analyze how you felt about the other guy and how
much it lessens your love for your husband..if it don't give him
the same benefit of the doubt. the heart is a funny thing,
people can come in and out of it without it affecting the love
for someone already there..i never believed that before but i
know its true now..keep your family together. and keep the
demons at bay, thats all they are..good luck,

forget
suzette

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Angie is insane.
...she's a jerry springer girl who stays with cheating ..
ok, this is a lie! ha ha ha! LMAO! I can't go on with it.

*hugs angie* ...just playin dude. *smiles*

HOWEVER

I am friends with everyone I ever loved.
.......I ALMOST got married to a sex addict.

the breaking point,
When I found he asked an undercover cop for a 'sexual favor',.
....I left.

I gave him my trust.
...he couldn't be trusted.

I'll be damned if I was gonna worry about what he's doing
when he's away.
I never did.
....and i wasn't going to.

that simple for me.
....I want someone who trusts me, that i can trust back.

I can be trusted not to be unfaithful
....I can trust, because I can be trusted.

why should i be accused, and be suspicious the rest of my life?

I'm happier alone.

he was the only guy I ever was with in a long relationship
that cheated.

the rest, meth destroyed.
...there are men you can trust if you are patient enough
to find one....they are scarce.

blondie

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
HI
I also was cheated on...its the worse kind of hurt....you
forgive one day at a time....and believe me it took me several
years before I could do this....and it was all about the trust
factor with me, I could never trust him again. We have been
divorced for 8 years...
I find that I have a trust issue with other men...I am like suz,
I am just better alone..
On a happier note you can work your way through this, people do
it all the time...It was just not for me...I wish you all the
luck..

no more
mething
around

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
I'm going through this
same thing now.

Some days are better than others. I have to make a choice. What
kind of day do I want to have? I might only get this one.

When I start the "infidelity videotape" in my head, I think of
him gone, an accident on the way home. May sound weird to some,
but that's how I remind myself to appreciate and accept. To
imagine myself without it.

So far, I still want him around.

Fact is, he's "courting" me again. What is your husband doing to
help you heal, so that in turn he can heal, too?

Hilary Clinton, the queen of forgiveness , said she and Bill
started a conversation in the 70's. They aren't finished
talking. I like that.

I also have been speaking with 2 close friends, male and female
who have been through this. They both have 20+ years in marriage
and they are great couples. A real example that it can be done.

I hope this helps. If I hadn't had support and church and wise
mind thinking, I would have LOST my mind.

Consider checking out some romantic stuff. Start a new fire in
your intimacy. Kick those other people out of your head, out of
your bedroom, and straight out the house. I'm not thinking about
what he did when I'm concentrating on trying new lotions and
flavors. Know what I mean ?

You guys are starting over. So, start over and give 'em hell.

Forgiveness isn't forgetting, it's remembering with peace of
mind.

imlost
inky

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Myboys, you had filed for
divorce. In his mind, your marriage was over - just as it was
for you.
You weren't there- you were not in the bed- so really is it even
cheating?
To me, cheating is taking from the marriage.
You at that time had no marriage to take from.
Nice to think if I leave, hubby will sit home alone and pine for
me, weep and wail, holler my name.
Reality is- my husband doesn't do alone real well.
Reality is- if and when we divorce, it will not be any time at
all before my replacement is in the bed.

If we are separated , filing for divorce- I expect it. I count
on it.
and no to me it isn't cheating because there is no marriage to
be unfaithful to.

paul4fun

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
myboys I'm so happy your
back with your husband.... why don't u right it down on a piece
of paper.... burn it and let it go and keep on living.... your
worth it... love yah...

boys36

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes we were separated
when this happened. And that is where it gets confusing to me.
We were still legally married. So in my mind we both did wrong
in sleeping with other people. But then again we were apart too.
He was the one that filed on me. But I was gone about 2 months
before he files and he tried calling me daily and begging me
back. I was not going to come back until something changed. That
is why we went to counseling cause we knew that what we were
doing wasn't working. So while we were apart and see what we
mean to each other now we did a lot of damage too. I agree with
no more mething around each day we are together I have a choice
about how my day will be. I have the power to decide. But saying
this and doing it are two different things. MY heart is right
where it needs to be but I will be damned if I can get my head
to forget. It is like a tape playing over and over. Some days
worse than others. But in reality they may have had him for a
night but I have had him 11 years. For that I am thankful.
myboys
P.S. They are here in the town we live in and I think I am a
little insecure about him running into them again. We live in a
small town. Maybe that's my fear...... gosh I just don't know.

no more
mething
around

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes,
the infidelity videotape I keep playing in my mind is like the
little fly I can't seem to get rid of.

That's all it is now, it isn't a crash of overwhelming emotions
and I'm quickly able to dismiss them.

The serenity prayer...."accept the things I cannot
change"....ACCEPT .

You will have to find the thoughts that calm your mind. You will
have to stay out of your head a lot. I had to FORCE myself not
to think about it. Does that make sense?

I spent time on an infidelity website. A very small amount of
time ( really kept me pissed, had to let it go ) but enough to
see how bad OTHER women and men were suffering, and it made me
see my situation for what it was.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you will have to find the
thoughts that calm your mind. I have an heirloom that broke and
he glued it all back together for me. It was symbolic to me. I
keep it in plain sight.

I think you're getting stuck and when I got stuck, it happened
to be time to make our travel plans for a family reunion out of
state. I found us planning a FUTURE event together really helped
! Is it possible for a little get away to happen?

Go have some FUN together.

Keep looking out the windshield, not the rear view mirror !! You
can do it !!! I used to be the angriest, most bitter @#%$
walking ( I've mellowed with age ) so if I can get a handle on
this, you can, too. LOL

Men run for a piece of tail when they hurt. women run to a
shoulder. That's just how it is. Honestly, don't give it any
credit. I feel the same way you do....that girl may have had his
dumbstick a few times, but his heart has always been mine, even
when he disrespected me.

We can DO THIS !!! We have 11 and 10 years with these men. I
believe in my marriage and I think you believe in yours. Let's
fight for 'em ! Which requires getting a little DIRTY !

Have a great day, babe !

boys36

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
And hey by the way my
name is Alisa. Very similar to yours. How long ago was it that
your man cheated? How long did it take to get to this place of
peace in your heart? Months? Weeks? And yes my marriage is worth
fighting for and I am going to fight like hell. He says the one
thing that would never happen is that I would lose him to
another woman and knowing him I know its the truth. Seems that
the only battle I have is the one going on inside my own head.
But my fear is that the attraction was there once( he was
drinking a lot each time he slept with these women and met them
in a bar) and I feel if he can feel that attracted to another
women he could feel it again. Just crazy thoughts I am
thinking..... thoughts that are negative and have no place in my
marriage. Him being willing to go to counseling should have told
me something .....but sometimes my brain just don't get it.

angie
Ncali

Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
But what about YOU. You
did it too ? I don't understand really how your putting it all
on him - why is it that he is so much worse or that his feelings
now because of what has happened seem so much less significant
or true - then yours. Why is it that you could sleep with
another man ... and then decide you love your husband and are
sure it will never happen again But he is not able to do the
same thing and have you believe him as you probably expect him
to believe you. ? ? ?

Suzette - Your Funny. I really am not okay with cheating - but
they both did it- they were separated and she choose to go back
and rebuild after all was said and done. He didn't sneak around
and poke someone while hiding it from her - they were both
guilty.

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