While perusing this thread on the Rott the other night, I came across a comment from Vockerman that referenced this site.

Seems the pansy-ass running the site, a limp-wristed douchebag named Nicholas Wind of Madison, Wisconsin, doesn’t like the fact that we right-thinkers down here are keeping (throwing?) his butt-buddies out of office.

Fuck the South. Fuck ‘em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union.

You might consider yourself fortunate that the North did win the War Between the States, little Broken Wind. Otherwise, we might have taken out the cumstain that was your great-great granddaddy – and where would that have left a steaming pile of putrid shit like you, hm?

Come to think of it, there’s another consequence of losing that war.

Fighting for the right to keep slaves – yeah, those are states we want to keep.

The fight, if you’d bothered to learn your history, Broken Wind, was over the states’ rights not to have the Federal Gummint ride roughshod over their rights as guaranteed them by Articles IX and X of the Bill of Rights of the United States Constitution?

You remember that little document, don’t you, Brokie? The one that applies to all of us, not just you fuckfaced simps who are pretending to be from the Northeast while hiding behind your mommy’s cheesehead skirt?

Slavery, it might interest you to know, was already on its way out as an institution; it very likely would’ve ended inside of 10 or 15 years, with no blood shed and our Constitution intact and not under assault from centralized-government-loving socialist bastards like you.

But then, leftist dicklicks like you never gave two shits for our Constitution, did you?

And now what do we get? We’re the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Yes, asswipe, that’s exactly right. After all, we’re not the ones hiring butlers to make our PB&Js for us like your butt-buddy John-boy Fuckface Qetchup-ass. Remember him??? The one who married into the late Senator John Heinz’ money after giving himself 3 Lavender Hearts over in Vietnam? (Oh, did you know Botox Boy served in Vietnam? Are you as shocked as I am about this revelation?)

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes.

No, colostomy bag, you didn’t found shit. Men of courage who knew the definitions of honor, duty, freedom and liberty founded this country, and pissweasels like you aren’t worthy to lick those noblemen’s boots.

Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence?

English isn’t your first language, is it, sport? If it were, you’d instinctively understand that the first clause in that article is the reasoning behind the second clause, which is the action phrase. In other words, Short Bus, it wouldn’t matter if the first clause had read “Clowns with fake guns that actually say ‘bang’ being necessary to the entertainment value of a circus” – the part about “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed” would mean the exact same thing – the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

May I suggest a course in remedial English? It does, after all, seem that you were “socially promoted” through school to keep from embarassing the pisspots who allegedly tried to teach you anything.

Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello?

Ah yes – Boston & Philadelphia. Places that abhorred leftist government intrusion into their lives before jackasses like you came in, dying to suck on the government teat. “Uncle Sugar!!! Help!!! Save my skanky ass ’cause I can’t do shit on my own!!!”

Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

Yeah – because ships can’t traverse land as well as water – and, having come from England, your toxic-waste-laden coast just happened to be in the way.

But that’s how it is with you leftist shits, isn’t it? Always trying to pat yourselves on the back for something over which you had no control. What pathetic losers.

No, No. Get the fuck out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments.

I’ll come visit the Liberty Bell, the fucking Washington Monument, the Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials, the White House, and anywhere else I want to visit – and what do you think you’re going to do about it, chickenshit?

Seriously. You think you have the balls to mess with us? You don’t even have the cojones to spew this bullshit in public like a man, nancy-boy, so how do you think you’re going to stop us?

Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for?

I’ll tell you this much – they’re not for cowardly shitheels like you, punk. Those are for real men – ones who put their life on the line every day instead of whining about how their Botox’d excuse-for-a-presidential candidate was having his ass handed to him by George W. Bush.

But then, yours are papier-maché, so what would you know about courage, dumbfuck?

Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier.

Get this through your thick-assed head, fucktard: They weren’t blue states before you and your honeyboys at Martha’s Vineyard began to fuck things up, capíce???

Get it? We started this shit, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years” dickheads. Fuck off.

Why don’t you come and try to “start this shit” with me and see what happens to you, little cowardly fuck? Might be because you know what’d happen to you if you tried it, and you don’t have enough diapers to deal with the resulting mess.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance? Hmmm?

How about being able to back it up, Broken Wind? Betcha I can back up my BS sooner than you can back up yours – eh, yellow-ass?

Maybe horsies? I don’t think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn’t be so fucking arrogant if I wasn’t paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for.

Why do I get the hunch that you aren’t paying for shit, but rather sucking on Mama Government’s big welfare tit, eh? Why do I get the feeling that the highest position you’ve ever had is chief fry cook at Burger King?

And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you’re the ones who built on a fucking swamp.

Yeah? So? What if they did? Still better weather down there that what you’ve got in Madison – your lame attempts to fart in order to raise the temperature a half-degree notwithstanding… (snicker)

“Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole,” we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

You never said anything of the sort, asshole, so take your opinion of Florida and its orange juice, turn it sideways and shove it up your roody-poo candy-ass.

The next dickwad who says, “It’s your money, not the government’s money” is gonna get their ass kicked.

“It’s your money, not the government’s money.”

5330 Bent Tree Forest Dr, #712
Dallas, TX

Put up or shut up, chumpzilla. You think you’re such a bad-ass, wussy-boy, let’s see whatcha got.

Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least… can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they’re red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states.

Can we help it we know how to handle our financial affairs better than you do? Maybe you should try putting your money into IRAs and 401(k)s rather than into bottles of Rotgut.

Or – in your case – Rotgut and crack.

It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money.

No, shit-for-brains, it’s fucking my money, and I’d just looooove to see you come down here and try to take it from me.

What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Denizens, this is how I can tell that it’s Rotgut and crack in his case. Down here, we make our stop signs – we don’t buy them.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute.

Yeah, let’s talk about the one where a real man can stand up and speak his piece, rather than hide behind his mommy’s skirt up North and bitch & moan about Southern values. Let’s talk about how I’m man enough to stand up and tell you where I am, but that people have to snoop around to find out that you don’t even live in the Northeast, but rather in Wisconsin.

Oh yeah, you’re reeeeeeeeeeal brave alright, limp-wrist.

You and your Southern values can bite my ass

If your testicles ever grow past the size of pinheads, I and my Southern values will kick your ass, motherfucker – not just bite it.

because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe.

Down here, we might divorce our women, but we don’t drive ‘em over the fucking Chappaquiddick bridge and drown ‘em, now do we, buttmunch?

Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration?

How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad.

And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we’re-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

How the fuck do you expect to have that many divorces, when most of you aren’t even bothering with marriage, but just shacking up? At least we have the cojones to make it legal.

Ah, there we go, back to the testicular fortitude issue again. Sucks to have your ass handed to you so often on that, doesn’t it?

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards.

Ah, now we come to the heart of the matter: Little Nickie “Broken” Wind is pissed off because we oppose him playing rump-ranger with the rest of the boys at the bathhouse. Here’s one of the ones who aren’t just shooting for “tolerance”, but rather are insisting upon and demanding our unconditional acceptance for their preferred practice of sticking their dicks in each other’s asses (among other things).

They’ll never get that acceptance, of course, and it just sticks in the collective craw of little anal-retentive ass-pustules like Nickie “Broken” Wind.

Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time.

That’s right, asshole: We do play a huge part in deciding most elections – by whether we decide to go vote or stay home.

Here’s a clue, asshat: We are every bit as much American citizens as you claim to be. And we have the right to cast our votes and make our voices heard.

If you’re sick and tired of being outvoted all the time, because your candidates are nothing but crap warmed over…then TOO FUCKING BAD. The suggestion from here is that you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you’re fucking towers of moral superiority.

Y’know what? I’ll stack our morality up against your sorry-assed excuse-for-same any damned day of the week. And I’d be willing to bet that our values are superior to yours – especially given how shitty you’re proving yours to be.

Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm?

Nah, you’re only busy trying to score your next joint or your next hit of crack or your next piece of ass. Nope, no sinning here, move along…

Yeah, it’s called the First Amendment, fuckhead. Try looking it up sometime. Or better yet, have someone read it to you – might not take as long then.

And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, assholes.

That’s because we prosecute our murderers. You have them buy off the cops with money from your mob bosses.

Well, in the Northeast, anyway. You probably dream of bleating at some poor unsuspecting soul until he/she dies of boredom, then burying him/her in a snowbank next to Lambeau.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

Come make me, chickenshit. My address is up there. Anytime you want the shit knocked out of you, feel free to come try me.

And no, you can’t have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

We’ll have our conventions any-fucking-where we like, and what are you gonna do about it?

Stupid little bastard…

UPDATE: Nothing personal, Wisconsin. It’s really just Madison up there that’s your real problem, from the horror stories I’m hearing from the Denizens up that way.

Really need to control them, though. I just heard that your vote reform package just got vetoed by your sorry-assed excuse-for-a-governor, which would likely have led to Wisconsin becoming a red state. You guys really need to get a handle on Doyle.

Update the 2nd: Ol’ Broken Wind was so busy harping on those nine stripes of his that he conveniently forgot to give credit to Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia for their part in founding the country. What, Nickie, you dumbass – you think you could’ve done it all by your little ol’ selves, plus the Subarus in Vermont? You pipsqueaks have enough trouble blowing your fucking nose, wussy, so don’t make us laugh, mkay?

Now let’s do a spot-check on murder rates and such, since this pansy-ass thinks he & his are sooooooooo much more moral than we & ours:

For the year 2000 (last stats available), according to this site, murders were as follows:

New York: 952
Georgia: 653

Looks like the South has a better handle on “thou shalt not kill” than does NY, doesn’t it?

Now Texas, for that year, had 1238 – but given that Texas is about four times the size of New York or so, that’s still only a little over 300 per mini-state, if you divide it up that way.

Still wanna make the case for moral superiority in the Northeast, Nickie, ol’ chap? Or do you wanna quit while your ugly ass is behind?

I’m sick of this “blue state” shit. Tell that jackass to check out a county-by-county map. He’ll find that New York STATE has many loyal Americans; the cities are where the blue people live – closer to the social services.

Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello?

George Washington, James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and George Mason were Virginians. And none of the Founders fought for socialism, gun control, and appeasing enemy nations.

Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

Yorktown is in Virginia. The redcoats under General Sir Henry Clinton took Savannah, Georgia. Battles were fought in the Ohio territory. Clinton and Colonel Banastre Tarleton (the man caricatured in Mel Gibson’sThe Patriot) fought – unsuccessfully – a major campaign to take Charleston, SC.

We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments.

The Constitution has 26 amendments (not counting the repealed one). Of the first ten, the blue states don’t respect very many. 1st Amendment: McCain-Feingold has more blue support than red. 2nd – No explanation required. 3rd – Nobody is calling for involuntary quartering of troops in people’s homes. 4th – The two Waco raids have more blue support than red. 5th – States the legitimacy of capital punishment to the chagrin of many blue staters. 6th – Both blue and red seem to have not noticed that court trial changes of venue are unconstitutional (“…trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed”). 7th – No one is challenging trial by jury for all but petty cases. 8th – Pop out a Ouija board and ask Terri Schiavo if blue-state-minded folks are the champions of opposing cruel and unusual punishment. 9th – Blue staters think “the rights retained by the people” means “whatever the hell the Supreme Court can invent.” 10th – Blue-staters opposed to the Federalies assuming powers not delegated to it by the Constitution? Ever heard of welfare spending? Public television?

Get it? We started this shit

What do you mean “we,” paleface? The blue-staters of today would not have started a war “because somebody decided to tax a breakfast drink” (quoting the recent words of Babylon 5 star-turned-talk show host Jerry Doyle). They might start a war if taxes went down to George III levels.

You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance?

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for.

Blue states pay more in state and local taxes, but less in federal taxes – because they get to write off their astronomical state income taxes on their 1040s. Most red states have state income taxes, but not as high as those in CA, MA, and NY, so they write off less. Seven states have no state income tax: Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, Washington and Wyoming. Two tax only dividend and interest income: New Hampshire, Tennessee. Only one blue state in the bunch. The red states are subsidizing the blue, pal.

And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you’re the ones who built on a fucking swamp.

I’ll agree to those terms, as long as we agree not to bail out earthquake-vulnerable California. (Coincidentally, the blue part of the state is mostly on the side of the San Andreas that’s destined to become ocean floor in a few decades or centuries.)

The next dickwad who says, “It’s your money, not the government’s money” is gonna get their ass kicked.

It’s my money, not the government’s money. It doesn’t belong to artists who can’t find customers in the marketplace. It doesn’t belong to schools I don’t attend or send kids to attend. It doesn’t belong to Kofi Annan. It’s mine.

Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you’re fucking towers of moral superiority.

Christianity isn’t about human moral superiority. It’s about human moral inferiority to God. It’s not about the good guys prevailing over the bad – unless you consider that in the Bible the only three good guys are the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.

And quite honestly, I don’t like to sing in church.

Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm?

I guess one doesn’t have to sing to be filled with an air of human superiority.

And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, assholes.

I think Democrat-run Dallas is at the top of the list. I live in Irving, so I’m safer than any big-city Northerner.

And no, you can’t have your fucking convention in New York next time.

Ordinarily I’d find the selection of a city to the left of Vladimir Putin quite distasteful. But 9/11 sympathy drove it, and for that I could make an exception.

It helps, though, if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer set about 1024x768 1280x1024 with your Favorites window activated on the left deactivated. (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)