Ten Don'ts for Kindness

Ten common things to watch out for when performing acts of kindness.

1. DON'T be obsessed with the people you can't help. Focus on the people you can. You are a mortal. You, like everyone else, are limited. Obsessing about what you can't do prevents you from thinking about things you can do.

2. DON'T let the lack of kindness and giving of others influence you to stop helping and giving. Some people feel resentful, "Other people aren't helping. Why should I?" We learn from role models. Learn from those who are kind, not from those who aren't.

3. DON'T keep trying to help someone who truly doesn't want your help. Some people are very independent. They could gain from accepting your help. But their need to be on their own is stronger than their wish for your help. Be aware that some people really want your help but are embarrassed about it. If you feel that is the situation, try to say things to put the person at ease.

4. DON'T give up too soon. Some people might think that you really won't be able to help them so they initially tell you not to bother. If you don't give up, both you and the other person will see that he will gain much more than he thought.

5. DON'T complain that other people keep asking you to do things for them. If others come to you for help, it's an expression that they believe you are a kind person. You might not be able to meet other people's needs right now, but by being aware of their needs, you might think of a creative solution.

6. DON'T tell anyone, "I had to go without this for a long time. So you also can go without it." Other people have a right to something even if you didn't always have it. If you don't want to help someone, just say a polite, "No."

7. DON'T be hurt if a selfish person complains that you are selfish. Some selfish people try to manipulate giving people by telling them they are selfish. Perhaps you are being selfish. Then again, perhaps not. You might want to ask objective outsiders for their opinion.

8. DON'T be naive. Don't believe every story you hear. If a story seems questionable, check it out. If you have good reason to believe that someone is lying to you, perhaps he is. But be very careful. Someone's sad story might not at first seem true, but it could very well be that it is. A person who loves kindness would rather err on the possibility of helping someone who doesn't need it rather than not helping someone who does.

9. DON'T say things that might cause someone to feel badly when you help him. Some people might say things such as, "This is so difficult for me to do. I don't know why I agreed to do this for you." Or, "This is the last time I'll commit myself to do this for anyone."

10. DON'T embarrass someone when you do something for him. Be careful not to say or do anything in the presence of others that would cause distress to the person you are trying to help.

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About the Author

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin is a noted psychologist and prolific author of 24 books, including Guard Your Tongue, Gateway to Happiness, Gateway to Self Knowledge, Love Your Neighbor, Growth Through Torah, The Power of Words, Consulting the Wise, and the recent Life is Now. Rabbi Pliskin lives in Jerusalem, and is the director of Aish HaTorah's Counseling Center and a senior lecturer at Aish's Essentials program and the Executive Learning Center. He was ordained at the Telshe Yeshiva in Ohio and holds a degree in Counseling Psychology.

Visitor Comments: 17

(14)
Julia,
October 24, 2013 9:41 PM

Please don'r push your "help" down my throat

Rabbi PLiskin wrote a superb article. I agree with most of it, but not with #4 DON"T give up too soon. People have a right to privacy and respect . Sometimes you really DON'T know what their situaton is, and your idea of helping might be causing more trouble. I hate to be negative, but being helpful has a dark side for some people. Why do you want to help? Do you think that if you don't do so now, that you will be caused problems in some way? Do you want to show off something (your skills, your chesed, or whatever?) Does the person have any reason to think that if s/he lets you help him/her now, you'll expect and push for "pay-back" at some time? Whenever someone begs me to let him/her "do/have a mitzvah" I feel they care about themselves, not in my welfare. In short, if you believe someone needs your help, simply ask, "Would you like me to do XYZ?" If the answer is no, say, " If things change, my offer is still good" or " I wish you the best; I hope things get better soon." LET PEOPLE RETAIN THEIR OWN DIGNITY AND PRIVACY!!!

(13)
Susan Booker,
February 29, 2012 2:59 PM

Proactive

“Let me know if you need anything.” She said, before the door slammed on her backside.
“Yea, sure,” “OK,” “Thanks for coming by.”
She would be the last person I’d ask for help, I thought, disappointed because I thought more highly of her affection towards me than what was shown.
You know that person, that person who speaks with their lips but not from the heart?
They don’t really mean what they say; it’s just a cliché for them to feel better.
A crisis does come to your house sooner or later. Whether it is sickness, death, car accidents, depression, divorce, tornados or hurricanes, we’ve all been there a time or two, some of us more than others.
What would like to hear from those around you?
What should you say to the one in times of trouble?
Instead of playing passive role to squeeze you out of helping those around you, as listed above, take a more proactive role.
What can I do for you today?
It’s almost lunch, what would you like to eat?
I’m going to the store, what can I get you?
What files can I help with at work?
I’m going to get those few dishes washed in the sink for you, OK?
I can take care of the lawn for you, until your feeling better.
Listen closely to their answers.
If they say something like, “I really don’t need any help, but thank you.” Then don’t push issue. But if you hear something like, “Oh, it’s OK, you need to do that.” They are saying they don’t want put you out but really do need your help.
Many are the affliction of the righteous but Yahovah will deliver them out of them all.
Until deliverance, help your brothers and sisters, be proactive.

(12)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2012 8:50 AM

Be respectful

Wehn you help people, try not to make them feel like a nebech because they need your help. Tell them that you also once had this problem/needed this help, so they don't feel you;re all the way "UP ther" and they're down below.

Anonymous,
December 3, 2012 5:03 PM

Don't toot your horn when giving charity

I once asked my mother in law to help out financilally(I was a single parent at the time living on $17.00 a week) and her only consolation was that she compared her financial strife to mine. She couldnt take her eyes off of someone's elses tragedy, selfishness and stinginess to the nth degree. But who am I to judge, Hashem is the final judge. I say though "Woe to the hard of heart" Our Torah teaches us "You wouldnt like it if someone threw mud on the new suite you're wearing would you? So dont do it to anyone else. In other words, do unto others as you would want them to do to you" Steve Israel. And when you do give charity, don't toot your horn! In this case, I hope we all learn a lesson, not to turn your heart away from those less fortunate.

(11)
L.S.,
October 16, 2011 8:06 PM

make sure you are really doing a kindness

Last year in an "attempt to help" me, some people put me in a situation which compromised my physical health and almost cost me my life. I am not grateful for that "kindness" as the outcome was disastrous. THINK before you DO. Are you doing this so-called kindness for the other person or for your own selfish benefit? Emuna Braverman had an article on this very issue a long time ago. Not every kind intention is indeed a kindness to the person.

(10)
Lisa,
October 11, 2011 9:59 AM

We all need a dose of Rabbi Pliskin....

We need more Rabbi Pliskin....he is so optomistic !! I wish his writings would be a course in school!!! ( do we really need geometry??) His words carry me through life. May he & his family have a happy & healthy year........Shana Tova!!!

(9)
robert j. ashner,
May 19, 2010 1:19 PM

good man trying to associate with great people.

i love this site. it is very informative. this site is very thorough.i am honoured to be a part. my belief is that my life will be enhanced because of this association.bless you and shalom. my writeing might be a little off. for this i apolagize. i am new to computers and i have a eyesight problem.

(8)
Harriet Pearson,
February 5, 2006 12:00 AM

thank you.

thank you. It was well worth reading.

(7)
Kathleen Cribbins,
January 10, 2006 12:00 AM

I thank ha-Shem for Aish.com all the time.

Thank you all for the wonderful job you do to keep my day filled with little spiritual "uplifts" which keep me going. A blessing be upon you.

(6)
Julia Arango,
December 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Chesed Dont's

Rabbi PLiskin wrote a superb article. I agree with most of it, but not with #4 DON"T give up too soon. People have a roght to privacy and respect . Sometimes you really DON'T know what the situaton is, and you idea of helping might be causing more trouble. I hate to be negative, but being helpful has a dark side for some people. Why do you want to help? DO you think that if you don't do so now, that you will be caused problems in some way? DO you want to show off something (your skills, your chesed, or whatever?) Does the person have any reason to think that if s/he lets you help him/her now, you'll expect and push for "pay-back" at some time? Whenever someone begs me to let him/her "do/have a mitzvah" I feel they care about themselves, not in my welfare. In short, if you believe someone needs your help, simply ask, "Would you like me to do XYZ?" If the answer is no, say, " If things chabge, my offer is still good" or " I wish you the best, I hope things get better soon." LET PEOPLE RETAIN THEIR OWN DIGNITY AND PRIVACY!!!

Bob Rabinoff,
August 7, 2011 8:26 AM

Chesed Don't's

Julia, it's always a good idea to examine one's motivations and to purify them as needed. But if someone needs help, don't forebear from helping because your motivation isn't perfect! Maybe you get personal pleasure out of giving charity. Should the poor person go hungry because your check wasn't written 100% l'shem shamayim? Our Sages were wiser than this -- they tell us: Perform the mitzvot even for ulterior motives, because just the act of doing the mitzvot will purify our motives, so that eventually all our actions will be l'shem shamayim. And when it comes to chesed which somebody needs, there is also the immediate effect.

Julia,
January 19, 2012 11:15 PM

yes, help, BUT ...

Bob, I guess I didn't expalin it clearly. I believe in helping, and in doing the right thing, even for impure reasons! But if you're going to help, make sure that IS what you're doing. I resent people telling me they're going to help and then get in my way, or invade my privacy, or mess up my work. If you want to help me, first tell me you want to help me, and then I'll accept. OR say a gracious no thank you. if I say no thanks, you're free to help[ someome else.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 22, 2005 12:00 AM

Thanks!

DearRabbi Pliskin, I found that every one of these statements is true and it is very helpful to see them in writing.
I especially appreciated your comment about focusing on those who are role models for kindness.

(4)
Sabbathson N Frank,
November 22, 2005 12:00 AM

2348063971774

Welldone, You guys are doing a good job.
I'm elevated.

(3)
MARY,
November 21, 2005 12:00 AM

ARTICLE IS GREAT

I truly enjoy all the articles so far. Some of the articles I mention to my friends. Thank you. The kindness article was very helpful, as sometimes I am in a situation where I want to help and wondering if I am doing the right thing. Thank you.

(2)
Kaden Cases,
November 20, 2005 12:00 AM

how to teach to break the line of pride and ask for help

More than a comment, this a question for the Rabbi, how to teach people to break that line of pride and ask for help, when you know they need it but don't accept to enter through our community social assistance because there they have to give names, statments, etc., while they prefer to accept tzedaka

(1)
Michal,
November 20, 2005 12:00 AM

Very helpful

Sometimes you just need a good "checklist"-this is one I want to rely to. Thank you for these helpful advices!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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