Until we treat male and female domestic abuse victims the same, we'll never be rid of it

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It was early 1998. I was on a ferry, and on the car radio, an agony aunt was talking to a man who described himself as a six-foot rugby-playing policeman who, for 10 years, had been beaten almost daily by his five-foot-two wife. I vividly remember my “what the hell?” response. That actually happens to men?

We need to acknowledge that the barriers abused men face are not only attributable to a lack of visiblesupport,but are also related to sexist stereotypes

I sensed there was a story in this somewhere, and began to research. With surprising ease, I found people who knew a man it had happened to. In fact I had – and still have – the same conversation over and over again when I tell people that I have written about this topic. I could script it, and it goes exactly like this…

Oh, that’s unusual. Then, more times than not, they laugh; men being battered by their wives is funny apparently. Then the person sobers a little and says …

That needs to be talked about. Pause. Then …

I know a guy it happened to.

An expert I spoke to in the late 90s opined that the situation for male victims then was much the same as it had been for women thirty years earlier. Around the same time, a senior policeman told me that we shouldn’t talk about male victims for fear that it takes the focus away from women.

Author Michael J MaloneCredit:
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I continued to research, speaking to both male and female victims and found that just as the types of abuse reported by men are similar to the types of abuse reported by women, the impact of that abuse is much the same. What appears to be different is an unwillingness on the part of many men to accept that what has happened is actually abuse, many of them seeing it as something “that just happens”.

Part of male socialisation and the sexist stereotypes society imposes on our men and boys is to “grow a pair”, “man up”, or “take it like a man”. Therefore, it could be argued, men’s weakness is their façade of strength.

According to the Office of National Statistics (ONS) and the 2014/15 British Crime Survey, male victims (29pc) are more than twice as likely as women (12pc) to not tell anyone about the partner abuse they are experiencing, and only 10% of male victims will tell the police (26pc women). These figures show that domestic abuse is, in general, underreported, and that surely calls into question the current trend towards a gendered approach.

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Over the years that I’ve been observing this issue, the conversation has moved from being about domestic abuse to stopping violence against women and children. A laudable aim, for who in their right mind wouldn’t want that to happen? My concern – and one that is shared by people who work with abused men – is that it appears that in this narrative male victims are being sidelined.

While [many] argue about who is doing what to whom and in what numbers, people are being hurt by other people

In 2015, 109,000 men reported to English and Welsh police forces that they were victims of domestic abuse, which constitutes 23pc of the overall total. This is not an insignificant number. Another study found that while men are eight times more likely to commit overall violence than women, there is gender parity in partner abuse. More worrying is the fact that more than 70pc of non-reciprocal violence is instigated by women. Things have changed, and not in a good way.

Given that the research indicates only 12% of male victims contact the police, it's probably safe to assume the real figures are greater. Take those numbers and consider the help available for men. Twenty organisations offer refuge or safe house provision for male victims in the UK – a total of 82 spaces, of which 24 are dedicated to male DV victims only (the rest being for victims of either gender). For female victims, there close to 7,500 spaces for women and their children.

So where do we as a society go from here? We need an open and honest debate. We need to encourage all victims to come forward and seek help. We need to acknowledge that the barriers abused men face are not only attributable to a lack of visible and accessible support services, and the marginalisation of men in the public narrative of domestic abuse, but are also related to sexist stereotypes of what it means to be a “real man”.

I believe we need to follow the lead of the female victims of domestic abuse who have come to me after reading my novel, A Suitable Lie. They see this book as a commentary on domestic abuse and the horrors it inflicts. What they don’t see is gender. They see violence and its impact; they feel listened to; and they feel hope that together – women and men – we can rid our society of this scourge.

Perhaps that generosity of spirit and empathy is where the experts need to go. Because, while they argue about who is doing what to whom and in what numbers, people are being hurt by other people. And people and their children are not receiving the help and support they need.