A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Welcome back. And thanks for the two comments last week,
whoever you were. Much appreciated.

Did we miss something at the top of the show last night?
After the upcoming highlights, we opened to the filthy dog swimming in the
people pool and a couple of the gals sitting around talking about Clare’s
upcoming one-on-one date. Don’t we usually get to witness the date card
opening? I guess time was tight given the embarrassing drunkenness that was to
come.

Eau d'JP

Our man Juan Pablo blindfolded Clare for their date. That
was a bit creepy. And unnecessary. But she didn’t mind. “All I can do is sit
there and smell him,” she said about their drive to wherever it was they were
going. “He smells like heaven in a bottle.” She was probably just happy to get away from Kelly's dog in the house.

The secret date was to a fake winter wonderland somewhere in
southern California. Fitting for the woman who faked a pregnancy on day one.
This place looked cool. Literally. (Note to Clare: that’s the correct usage of
‘literally’) But it wasn’t cold, even if Clare could see her breath. I have no
idea how fake snow can be slippery but I’m not a fake snow scientist. I guess
it works on ski hills so it should be no surprise they can sled down a hill.
I’m just saying I don’t understand it.

They also went skating. That was real ice, I’m sure, but how
did it stay frozen in clearly above-freezing temperatures? These are the
piddling details I obsess over.

In the post-frolicking hot tub, the cute Clare potentially
ruined everything by going on about how great her father was and how she was
daddy’s little girl. The necklace she wears is there to jolt her back into
reality that there’s a life outside of her father (or something like that; I
confess I wasn’t paying that much attention). I thought I sensed JP recoiling a
bit at all the daddy talk, knowing he’d never be able to compare to her old
man, but he gave her the rose anyway. When they kissed to seal the deal, she
said, “You taste like snow.” Now I can’t stop wondering what fake snow tastes
like.

Who knew he was musical?

They hear music in the distance. That can only mean one
thing: a crappy no-name band is about to give them a private show. They run
over to where the sound is coming from and sure enough, there’s Andre the Giant
strumming a guitar and crooning. Then, as they slow dance to the tunes, it
starts fake snowing! And at this point I’m concerned for their personal safety.
What is that exactly? Asbestos? What is fake snow? That can’t be healthy to
breathe in. (They should be called snow fakes. Don't steal that. Patent pending.)

Clare said she hopes “tonight is literally the tip of the
iceberg for the rest of this journey.” (Note to Clare: that’s the incorrect
usage of ‘literally’ unless that blindfolded drive took you to the polar ice
caps.)

Back at the mansion, Lucy, the dirty hippy, was standing
around topless in the pool, showing off her black rectangle for all the world
to see. “It was only a matter of time before those boobs were gonna pop out of
there,” said Den Mother Renee.

Kat got the next one-on-one date. Her date card read, “I can
feel the electricity.” No blindfolds required on this one, but it was still a
surprise. They jetted off to Salt Lake City wearing neon outfits for the annual
(I’m guessing) 5k Electric Run and Ecstasy Party.

Kat is a dancer, if you recall. I assume that’s a legitimate
use of the word and she’s not a professional stripper, but I’m not clear on
that. The way she was moving her body on stage at the end of the run, the
thought did cross my mind… Over and over. JP gave her the rose in front of the
high Mormons.

Next up was the group date. In her interview, Lucy was asked
what she could do to get JP’s attention amongst all the others. To illustrate what
she couldn’t do, she lifted up her shirt and flashed her black rectangle. So
she’d need to think of something else. Or not, as the case may be.

The ladies were going on a photo shoot put on by some kind
of homeless dog shelter (again, I didn’t pay too close attention to the
details). The guy running the shoot was a perfectly ordinary looking schmo who
decided he was so average he needed to set himself apart by painting the hairs
on his chin blue. Wow, what a difference. Now he’s SO INTERESTING!

For the cause

While the mutts were humping each other and relieving
themselves all over the place, Bluebeard gave the girls their outfits, such as
bikinis, fire hydrant costumes, cardboard signs, and nothing. First grade
teacher Elise and Assistant District Attorney Andi were chosen to go nude probably
because the producers needed drama. Elise couldn’t possibly go through with it what with all her students (or more likely their parents and her principal) watching so she switched with Dirty Hippy, who loved a chance to strut her black
rectangles (“I was happy to take off my top, as always,” she said. Although
that didn’t explain why she was walking a dog, ostensibly completely nude, down
the street). DA Andi was having serious misgivings, too, but a warm and tender JP
sweet-talked her into getting butt naked for the cause. What a selfless guy!

At the after-party, Cassandra, the former NBA dancer,
revealed for the first time she has a son. And that she really loves basketball
because she named said son Trey. He’s two. When she told JP, it was as if she
told him the son was his. That is, he was visibly excited.

Meanwhile, Victoria was getting hammered. Or she was already hammered. One of the women sat her down to express her concern, to
which Victoria replied, “Thish ish how I am shober.”

"The name's Heimlich, bitch!"

Talking to the producers, a wishful Victoria imagined what
she’d do to JP once she got him in her clutches: “I’m gonna straddle him every
day because that’s what life is all about – straddling people.” It was just a
matter of time because in her mind, “Juan Pablo is my boyfriend.” She also
discussed how she performed the “hymen” maneuver on him. While I assumed that
was a malaprop, it also occurred to me that it might not be.

At some point, though, things took a turn for the soused.
She started to fret that she wasn’t getting the one-on-one time and began
prowling around the grounds like a caged animal trying to escape. She
eventually caged herself in a bathroom stall, where she bawled until the Den
Mother Renee shimmied herself under the door (gross!) to console her. Or at
least try. But Victoria was inconsolable. Renee reported back to the others: “I
could not calm her down. I literally tried everything!” That is
demonstrably false. She didn’t try flushing her head down the toilet. And
that’s just for starters.

JP took a turn but even his calm and cool Latin charms
wouldn’t work on her. While Victoria was crying (and no doubt puking) in the
bathroom, JP spoke to the rest of the group date. He picked up the rose and I
so wanted him to say, “I’ll be right back” and hand it to Victoria, but that
was not to be. Instead he gave it to the smelly (I’m assuming) dog lover Kelly
for reasons they must have edited out of the show.

The next day JP visited a fresh-faced Victoria in her hotel
room. She faked being contrite, saying, “I guess I should apologize.” Yeah,
maybe. Then she added, “I’m mortified,” and to drive the point home, laughed.
“Maybe I did drink too much,” she continued. “I probably could have been more
adult about it and handled it better.” You think?

She also said she feels everything very intensely so that
when she’s mad, she’s very mad. She must have cut off that curl in the middle
of her forehead. Anyway, as respectful as JP was, he had to let her go.

At the cocktail party, JP wanted some time with the women he
didn’t get to see on dates. First up was Amy, the news reporter. She made an extremely
poor choice in fake interviewing JP. While competent at it (it was clearly a
shameless audition, complete with a fake throw back to the studio), you could
tell he felt it set them apart. Who knows what off-the-record stuff she might
reveal about him in the future. It also put them at different levels. He wants
an equal, not a sycophant.

Sharleen, the Canadian opera singer, came off as way more
likable this week (and I found her plenty likable last week). She said she felt
she was rude and ungracious last week when he offered her the first rose. She
explained that she just couldn’t register what was happening. That dress she
was wearing was something else, wasn’t it? Let’s just say it’s one the Dirty
Hippy would have been comfortable in.

I just spent a bit of time Binging Sharleen. I figured she
was some wannabe opera singer, with the ability of your average Miss America
contestant. Boy, was I wrong. She’s a major talent. And I don’t even like
opera. Her range is truly impressive, she’s got charisma on stage, and can
flat-out sing. Take a look at this clip. It goes in and out of focus, but stick
with it. She was my favourite anyway because she was Caandian and not like the
others, but now she’s really my favourite. Keeping in mind, of course, that all
classical musicians are quirky and eccentric. And that explains her acceptance
of the rose last week.

Then it was time for the passive-aggressive ‘who loves her
kid more?’ mom wars between Cassandra and Den Mother Renee. Cassandra was
crying over missing her kid and wondering why she was even there. Renee
(naturally) consoled her, telling her she owes it to herself to at least stick
around and try. Basically, Renee didn’t want to be the only mom there and look
like she doesn’t care about her kid. There’s safety in numbers.

JP interrupted the moms and sat down with Cassandra. He
talked to her paternalistically like she was a pouting child. He even ended it
with an exploding fist bump. She clearly likes a father figure so she’s sticking around.

With Victoria gone, and with Clare, Kat and Kelly all safe,
twelve more roses would be handed out, leaving two out in the (fake) cold. The
roses went in order to:

Mommy II Cassandra

Nurse Nikki

DA Andi

Miss Elise

Classy Sharleen

Den Mother Renee

Danielle

Dirty Hippy Lucy

Nanny Alli (I assume, anyway; he called her Allison)

Test Tube Chelsie

Piano Pusher Lauren

Christy

That meant Reporter Amy and Black Chantel had to go. Amy was
all smiles. Chantel exchanged no words with JP on the way out, just a hug. She
cried a bit later, though.

And that’s that. With Victoria out of the way, who's the next to provide the big drama?