A new woman has been attending church the past several Sundays and she mentioned that she'd be attending tonight's prayer meeting, too. Her name is Grace Codd and there's no other way to say it: her name is fitting. She smells like a dead fish.

I like to sit in the fourth pew on the right, near the end. It gives me a great view of the choir, the pastor as he speaks, and it is acoustically perfect when Brother Madden tickles his organ. Well, Sister Grace has chosen to sit in the third pew on the right, near the end. The way the heating/ac vent is pointed sends her "scent" directly to my face and I swear my skin is wilting.

Fellows, how can I, as a young, well-built, intelligent, certified equine gnathologist tell her that she smells like a grouper with some sort of sea ailment? Should I have one of the lady-folk do this for me? I know people notice it because when she greets them, they suddenly grimace when her smell overtakes what was a normal church smell of hymnals, pretty flowers, and Jesus.

The fifth pew on the right is usually where Sister Irene sits and she paid a lot of money for a new piano and organ for the sanctuary so it is frowned upon if someone tries to sit in "her" spot. I will not sit in the sixth pew because I believe six is the devil's number. Row seven is desirable and always full, so that's not an option. I think the Lord will frown on me if I sit any further back.

What should I do to overcome this problem before the holiday programs begin? I thought about leaving a box of Massengill on the pew, but is that going too far? It is the season of giving, after all. I hope someone can suggest a Godly solution, because I'm tempted to hold her down and wash that thing myself, as a Christian rebuke to defiling the temple (hers and the church).

Thanks for reading and thanks for assisting.

Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611: “The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.

There's nothing wrong with arriving to church early (in fact, it's encouraged) and slipping car air freshener a at inconspicuous spots on the pews so that when the air does flow your way, it won't be as bad. Is it really so warm in Freehold during this season that the church still runs its air conditioners? When vents circulate heat, it doesn't do as good a job at circulating smell so I wonder if this is a worry or just speculation to what may happen. Either way, you can always come to church with a clothes hanger on your nose if all else fails or just have your local pastor ban her from church during the winter. Lots of other churches have practices ex-communication recently for a number of reasons. You could even leave a box of myrrh with her saying it's a Christmas themed gift.

Anyone here remember old Mrs. Smythe-Bourne? While she was a very wealthy lady, a Platinum Tither® in fact. She had a 'unique property' that followed her where ever she went.
She used to sit directly in front of me at the Chrystal Cathedral. Her presence used to cause my eyes to burn like the fires of Hell and my nose to run like a niggra from a lynch mob.
I spoke to the Pastor and He reminded me of this simple passage from The Good Book.Matthew 18:9
“And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.”

Well, as you all know, she has a sister who lives in NY and it was rumored she was moving to Freehold to live with her sister.
It was all clear to me. Mrs. Smythe-Bourne offended me and I had to remove her before her sister arrived and there were TWO of them!!!
Some of may recall when during one sermon congregation members were asked to testify about the plenitude of miracles that Pastor Zeke has performed such as growing a new arm on that Lumpkin boy who had lost it in the meat grinder (honestly, that batch of burger was especially good).
Well, I got up, pointed and stared right at Mrs. Smythe-Bourne with my ocean blue eyes, a steely gaze looking for the demons deep inside her. I told the entire Church that the foul odors were coming from her and she quaffed continuously during the sermons and even murmured!
Needless to say, she was banned from the Church and her bank accounts frozen lest she tried to wiggle out of her commitment to God and the Pastor.
As I left Church that day, the Pastor took me aside (me, Wow! ) and put His hand on my muscular sholder and brought his mouth close to me ear, I could feel his warm breath on me as he said the following passage: Titus 3:5
Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;

Hallelujah!

Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.