Saturday, January 13, 2007

Why Bother?

Earlier I wrote that in my opinion, a person never completely recovers from an affair. In the same way, I think that a person never completely recovers from a death in the family or a divorce. You can heal and grow, and maybe even become stronger; the pain will subside and the event no longer defines you as a person and is not something that you continuously dwell upon; however, you never completely recover: A part of you is always different and the scars remain.

Someone commented, “If you never get to the same point that you would be had the event never happened....why would you bother?”

That’s a great question that I had to think about it for a while. Here is what I think:

1. Just because you may never get back to square one does not mean that your efforts to recover from an affair are fruitless. Whether or not your marriage survives, you as a person can grow well beyond the brokenness you feel when you first learn of the affair. The despair, the depression, the paranoia, all get better.

2. Maybe you can be, in some ways, even better than you were before. It is amazing how a trauma can make you a stronger person than you were before. You have scars, yes, but you can learn valuable life lessons if you choose to do so. I’m a better, stronger person because of what I have been through. That does not mean that I would choose to do it all again, but I can look back and see good that has come out of our situation.

3. What is the alternative? Spending the rest of your life in a fetal position? Always being a victim? I am not a leaf blown in the wind with no control over my life. Events will happen that I cannot change, but I can choose how to respond. The next time something bad happens to me (and there will be a "next time") I will give myself time to hurt and grieve. But then I will come to accept those circumstances and with God, I will get back up and move forward. If it is something someone has done to me, I will forgive. If it is something that is no person’s fault, just one of those times that life craps on you, I will not become bitter.

I don’t know if this will make any sense, but I will give it a shot. I would give anything for the affair to have never happened, but I would not trade the lessons I have learned from the experience for anything in the world.

I am in the process of trying to deal with my feelings about my H's affair. I think it's getting better, but it's a struggle, as it appears to be for everyone in this position. I like to read the success stories, as it helps to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment, though, the depression is holding me back.

I think a lot of the info on MB is good, but we Brits are just a little too reserved for all that therapy and outpouring of emotions, which is making it hard for me to get closure on this. I don't know what I want, or how much information I need to know - I feel I know too much already. I just don't know where or how to find the answers. I have some counselling to come, but not sure when. Hopefully that will help me.

About Me

In 2002, I learned that my wife was having an affair. With God's help, we survived that terrible time and are now happily married, 'til death do us part.
This blog is our story, from my point of view, of our ongoing recovery. My prayer is that people whose lives have been torn apart by infidelity can see our story as evidence that divorce is not the only option.
Start at the beginning: THIS IS MY STORY