The Six / The Six Ways You'll Try to Get Out of the Friend Zone

Script

The Six Ways You'll Try to Get Out of the Friend Zone

By Ben Joseph

NOTE: This should narrated and edited at about twice the
pace as a normal "The Six."
YOU face camera, hopeful and nervous. L/3rd: YOU.
NARRATOR
This is you.
REVERSE ANGLE: HER, beautiful. L/3rd: HER
HER
(this is hard for her)
Look... I... Really value our
friendship, OK?
NARRATOR
And this is the friend zone.
Back on YOU, utterly destroyed.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Don't panic. You're smart, you can
beat this. All you need is a plan.
TITLE: THE SIX WAYS YOU'LL TRY TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE
TITLE CARD: THE FRESH START
You help walk her dog. She runs into a NICE GUY, hands the
dog off to you, and starts flirting. Your face falls.
Later, you collapse on your couch at home and think.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
You need a second chance at a first
impression. So, naturally, you'll
fake your own death.
SMASH CUT TO: Your funeral. She there's, mourning, and she
notices... YOU, in AVIATORS and a LEATHER JACKET. Confused,
she approaches you. You pretend not to recognize her.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
You had a long lost twin? She had
no idea. You'll want to call
yourself Ace, but you won't,
because that's awful.
You stop introducing yourself. Start again.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
So is Logan.
You stop again. Fine.
Later that night, you two walk in the PARK.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
This time, you'll be cool,
confident, and express no strong
opinions about Dr. Who. This time,
she'll "like like" you. Also,
shared grief? Totally hot.
She, overcome by your charm, leans in for a kiss, but stops.
HER
But... Your brother.
YOU
He would have wanted it this way.
Trust me.
NARRATOR
It's the perfect plan.
Right before you kiss, we FLASH BACK TO you on the couch.
(This FLASH will separate fantasy and reality for us.) You
call out to your Mom.
YOU
Mom! Can I borrow five thousand
dollars for a fake funeral?
MOM
No, Honey.
NARRATOR
Almost.
TITLE CARD: THE SECRET
You two drink at a BAR. You're making her laugh, but her
eyes keep drifting to a TALL DARK STRANGER. You realize:
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Girls like mystery. Girls like
secrets. You need a secret.
QUICK CUTS of your FAMILY:
DAD
He still kind of needs training
wheels.
MOM
He was Princess Jasmine for
Halloween. Four times.
FRIEND
Once, when he was 14, he came into
my bedroom and-
You TACKLE HIM before he can finish.
Back at the bar, you write on a NAPKIN while she talks to
the stranger: GIRLS LIKE: -JAMES BOND -BATMAN -THAT GUY WITH
THE HAIR (TWILIGHT?)
NARRATOR
Correction: You need a good secret.
Like a superhero, or a vampire, or
a spy. Or... All three.
You circle ALL THE NAMES. FLASH TO YOUR FANTASY. We see:
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
You'll slip a cape and spandex into
your laundry. You'll hire a Russian
in a suit to ask questions about
you. You'll act moody and stay out
of the sunlight for a week.
One night, she walks in a DARK, FOGGY ALLEY:
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
She'll be won over by your aura of
mystery.
You lurch out of the shadows, wearing a TUXEDO, a WOLVERINE
MASK and CAPE and VAMPIRE FANGS. She looks at you and RUNS.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Or not.
As you watch her go, two THUGS run out of the darkness and
start beating the crap out of you. FLASH BACK to the bar.
You crumble up the napkin and throw it away.
TITLE CARD: THE RESEARCHER
You, on your couch, look at her FACEBOOK PAGE, specifically
her Favorite Movies, Books, etc.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
What does she want in a guy? You
realize you don't know. So you'll
do some research.
FLASH TO: A PARK. She talks with her FRIEND on a bench.
Behind them, a GARDENER (we don't see his face) shuffles in.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Better yet, you'll go undercover.
She leaves. Her friend pulls off a RUBBER MASK: It's YOU!
The gardener, now clearly NOT YOU, gives you a weird look.
Later, in a BASEMENT, you review a JOHN NASH-STYLE WHITE
BOARD labeled with her LIKES, DISLIKES, TOP TEN FAVORITE
ANIMALS, etc. Her REAL FRIEND is tied up in your room.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Now you'll be able to like all the
things she likes. Say all the
things she wants to hear.
Later, in her house, you give her all the things we saw
under her "LIKES": A stuffed PENGUIN, a copy of GROUNDHOG
DAY, CATCHER IN THE RYE, a PINEAPPLE, etc. You're smiling at
her creepily the entire time.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Bring her the right gifts, suggest
the right movies-
FLASH BACK TO REALITY: You're sitting on your couch, looking
at her Facebook page. You shiver and close the laptop.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Yeah, you're creeping yourself out.
You close the laptop.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Also, those Mission Impossible
masks? Not actually a real thing.
Believe me, I've looked.
(beat)
So hard.
TITLE CARD: THE OTHER WOMAN
She's on a date with the NICE GUY. You slide into a table
across the room from them with a NICE, NORMAL GIRL.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
She doesn't like you? FINE. You'll
find a different girlfriend. A hot
one. No, a FAMOUS one. No, a REALLY
FAMOUS one. Someone to make her
realize what's she's missing.
FANTASY FLASH: On "really hot," the NICE GIRL is replaced by
a HOT GIRL.
On "FAMOUS," she becomes a MOVIE STAR giving out her
AUTOGRAPH. On "REALLY FAMOUS," she's suddenly holding awards
and surrounded by PAPARAZZI. Meanwhile, though, you're still
trying to get the attention of your crush.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
You know what girls really love?
Being part of your plan to get make
somebody else jealous.
FLASH BACK TO REALITY. Your NICE GIRL date rolls her eyes
and leaves mid-sentence.
TITLE CARD: THE REAL CHANGE
INT. BASEMENT
OVERHEAD SHOT: In workout clothes, you lay on a weight
bench.
NARRATOR
Enough of this fantasy crap. The
only way to win her is to improve
yourself. To be a better person.
You grab the bar and start aggressively bench-pressing in
time to an INSPIRING TECHNO BEAT.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
You'll work out. Read books. Read
better books. Buy new clothes.
Learn cooking and fancy words to
describe wine.
In quick cuts, we see you 1.) Read Harry Potter. 2.) Read
something by Faulker. 3.) Admire your new, nicer wardrobe in
a mirror. 3.) Cook a meal, pour a glass of wine, and bring
dinner to her, now your girlfriend.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
After all this time, all it took to
break out of the friend zone was
hard work, dedication, and...
The music cuts out. FLASH TO: This was just another FANTASY.
You, still struggling to lift the bar, give up and exit.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
TITLE CARD: THE END.
Instead of FLASH, a SLOW FADE FROM WHITE back to the OPENING
SHOT. She smiles hesitantly.
HER
We can... We can still be friends
right?
YOU
Of course. Always.
We track with you as you walk away.
NARRATOR
Finally, you decide there's only
one way out of the friend zone.
Walking away from it.
Later, she lays on her bed, bored. She sees a picture of you
on Facebook and TEXTS YOU. You, in your house, get it.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Still, you like each other. So you
hang out occasionally. As friends.
You grab an ice cream together. She pays.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
And, because you're not trying so
damn hard, it's good. Better than
it was before. More comfortable.
You both collapse on a bench, a little apart from each
other, and watch the sun set. You take a deep breath and
relax.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
After all your plans, after all
your agendas, after all your
effort, the one thing that works...
Her hand finds its way to yours.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
...is doing nothing at all.
You're surprised for a moment, but then relax and smile.
And so does she.
END.