A Rocky Road

After the January 6 avalanche that buried cars near Berthoud Pass, Central City Parkway's "NO ROCKSLIDES" ad campaign, currently gracing the sides of RTD buses, seemed in especially bad taste. Of course, since presumably the ads refer to the June 2005 rockslide that buried the Parkway's competing thoroughfare, U.S. 6, crushing vehicles and injuring one driver, they weren't in very good taste to begin with.

The ads are the newest low in the ongoing feud between Black Hawk and Central City over how to best lure gamblers to their respective slots and blackjack tables. Central City was willing to spend millions to build the Parkway as a safer, more convenient alternative to the U.S. 6/Highway 119 gambling route that leads straight into rival Black Hawk—and now it's willing to use horror stories to prove it.

There's nothing like the threat of death and dismemberment to get those gambling juices a-flowing.

So when word spread this morning that an elderly couple had lost control on U.S. 6, dropped down a 100-foot embankment and plunged into frigid Clear Creek before being rescued by state troopers, it was easy to imagine Central City's PR whizzes jumping into action. Maybe we will soon see a new Parkway ad campaign: "NO DEATH BY DROWNING."

To help out these spinmasters, here are a few other slogans, ripped from the headlines, that they may want to test with their focus groups:

-NO IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICES

-NO TSUNAMIS

-NO METH-ADLED GAY PASTORS

-NO DENVER VOTING CENTERS

-NO UNDERGROUND NUCLEAR TESTS

-NO HEART-PIERCING STINGRAYS

-NO E. COLI SPINACH

-NO GANG SHOOTINGS

-NO POLONIUM-210 EXPOSURE

-NO MICHAEL TRACEY

-- Joel Warner

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