Stalker Requirements

While goofing off with my husband tonight, he said five little words that nearly had me in tears: “I always wanted a stalker.” Now, of course, to add a little context, we were discussing the difference between authors having fans vs. readers. My definition of a reader is someone who gives your book a cursory read through and then moves on to something else. A fan, is someone who not only goes out of their way to contact you but also is excited for the release of your next book.

And then we came to the forbidden subject: stalkerdom. Oh yes, that is my new word.

So then I began to ponder (partially because my mind has gone mush from editing and partially because it’s hilarious) if we were to enter into the dance of stalkerdom with an obsessed fan, what would our requiremements be. Surely, if you were to have someone stalking you, there should be certain rules of etiquette that should be followed.

No Pj’s either! It just makes you look creepy!

Here are some of our ideas:

Parking is not permitted in front of our home. You must find a space around the corner otherwise our neighbors might complain.

Refrain from trampling the grass. That’s what a sidewalk is for!

When tapping our phone, please note that the land-line is for internet purposes only.

Showering is a must. No one likes a stalker with BO.

Sniffing our mail is just not cool. Don’t do it.

Please refrain from removing any articles of clothing. It’s just gross.

I shop at Kohls. Come prepared.

Look alike contests will be held on the first Wednesday of every month. Feel free to pre-register.

Always pick up after yourself. Kids do it, so can you.

Ski mask not required

For those of you out there who think you might have a stalker, consider typing up this list, or something similar, so you are both on the same page. It can save senseless 911 calls and annoyed neighbors.

Happy Fandom!

*Disclaimer* This is not a legal document. It is not based on any real personas or events. Everything mentioned above is fictitional.