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Friday, July 29, 2005

Officials: Bush Plans to Install Bolton President Bush intends to announce next week that he is going around Congress to install embattled nominee Michael Bolton 's CD's in all White House and Congressional music players. This caps Bush's efforts to win support for Bolton's appointment as the new U.S. musical ambassador to the United Nations.

"When they hear Michael sing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" I know all objections will melt away in the ecstacy of his ethereal voice," said Bush, reading a prepared statement.

While Bush does have the power to fill vacancies without Senate approval while Congress is in recess, advisors such as Eighth in Succession daughter Jenna have encouraged him not to exercise that power.

"Like I told Dad there's just too much unanswered about Bolton. I mean, is he going to continue to make those putrid covers that so very suck? Will he grow that mullet again? I just could not deal with that fluffy mane of unruly locks ." said Jenna, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Bolton's nomination, announced in March by the president, was controversial from the start and has been stalled in the Senate by Democrats who favor Sheryl Crow or Steve Earle over Bolton.

Critics say Bolton, who has been accused of mistreating his songs and has been openly skeptical about original music, would be ill-suited to the sensitive diplomatic task at the world body.

The White House says the former crooner, who has long been one of Bush's favorite singers,is exactly the man to whip the United Nations orchestra into shape.

Kofi Annan, who plays saxophone in the orchestra, says Bolton's whitebread image will not wash well with the other orchestra members.

"I know Moammar (first chair cellist/dictator Khadafy) was afraid we were veering in the direction of elevator music and away from traditional classical and hip-hop," explained Annan.

This week, critics raised a fresh concern, saying Bolton had neglected to tell Congress he had once taken soda from a hotel honor bar without paying.

"I have serious concerns about Bolton's moral character," said Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy. "But, that concern aside ,I would like to know how such a geeky guy as Michael manages to snag such hot honeys." said Kennedy.