How embarrassing! My daughter behaves badly when we eat out. What should I do?

My six-year-old daughter has started behaving rudely in public. If we go to a cafe she can be rude to the waitress and behave badly, which is embarrassing. What can I do in this difficult situation, apart from leaving the restaurant? She is a fussy eater at home and many times does not want to eat her dinner. I don't know if this has anything to do with her behaviour when we eat out.

Dr Justin says:

It sounds as though there are potentially two issues here. The first seems to be that your daughter’s unwanted behaviour can sometimes feel rude. The second deals with fussy eating.

In relation to the fussy eating challenge, Kidspot has a number of excellent articles with plenty of good advice that may be helpful (including this one I wrote a short while ago). So, let’s have a look at the issue of dealing effectively with those times when your daughter says things that seem rude.

As a quick aside, a friend of mine had an unfortunate experience (a little like your experience, perhaps) when his son was aged five. He was being dropped off to school by his mum when another mum walked by. He exclaimed loudly, “Look mummy. Look at that lady. Look she’s really, really fat! Mummy look!”

Children below the age of eight (approximately) often struggle with self-regulation. They do things a little spontaneously, and often say things we wish they wouldn’t. The way we handle their unanticipated outbursts can have an effect on the likelihood that they will do it again.

Understanding

If your daughter says something that reflects a strong opinion, suspend judgement, and instead show her that you understand her. Generally, she is expressing a completely normal and appropriate desire. It’s just that she’s doing so in a way you find inappropriate. So respond to the feelings she has, rather than the words she says. For example, “You’re getting really hungry, aren’t you? You wish they would bring the food out because you can’t wait to eat it.”

It’s important to note that this is more than just going through the motions of addressing her feelings. Anyone can do that. It’s about making a connection with her emotions. When she feels genuinely understood, in many cases, she will calm down.

Set limits by asking questions

Once your daughter knows you understand how she feels, give her a response if it is appropriate. “The lady said dinner will be here in just a minute.” But show you still understand. “A minute seems like such a long time when you’re so hungry.” So long as your daughter is calm, it is then appropriate to ask her some questions to help her understand the limits surrounding her remarks. You might ask, “How could you have told us you were hungry and you want them to hurry up in a nicer way?” Or, “How do people feel when you shout out that things are taking too long?” The idea is to help your daughter recognise what is appropriate through making her own evaluations. If she clearly has no idea, ask simpler questions about how it makes you feel, her feel, or other people feel. Gently guide her to the answers.

Gentle reminders

Once your daughter understands things more clearly, use gentle reminders when you sense she is becoming anxious, aggressive, or hard to deal with. You might say, “Grace, we’re waiting patiently.” Or you might ask her how to behave as a simple prompt, “When we’re waiting for a long time, what do we need to do?”

Plan ahead

It may be useful to plan ahead when possible. A box of pencils and a colouring book can be useful. It may even be worthwhile providing a small snack to avoid impatience around food issues. Some families ask wait-staff to bring out the children’s food quickly for the comfort of both the children and other diners.

Be a role model

Make sure you focus carefully on the way you speak about others. Sometimes our children will hear us say something about someone else and think that we are supposed to be impatient, judgemental, or otherwise. Whether it is in traffic, under pressure, or in a long line, we can easily say things without thinking... and those judgements can be mimicked by our children at some particularly uncomfortable times

More than anything, be patient and understanding when your daughter makes these unwanted statements. With a kind, careful and considered response (along with a little forward planning) you’ll find that the issue will usually subside. (Note, if you make a big deal about it, chances are it will happen more often.)

This article was written for Kidspot by Justin Coulson, Ph. D. Justin is a relationships and parenting expert, author and father of five children. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and at happyfamilies.com.au.