There are big opportunities in television at the moment. Lately my stories have been flash pieces designed to be opening scenes in pilot. I've written plenty of prose, but this is my first crack at a script. Does this script make sense? I'm sure the dialog is easy to understand. But can you follow the action?

SCRIPT

[ Subtitle: Coast of West Africa. Year 2077. ]

[ A hand is seen reaching out and pulling down a master breaker. The lights in the house go out. Two male voices are heard talking about the breaker. A few seconds later, 2 gunshots are heard, then the sound of 2 bodies slumping to the floor. A stern voice calls out. ]

FEMALE COMMANDO: “This building will explode in 5 minutes!”

[ 6 women run downstairs in their nightgowns and house slippers. In the lobby, they discover dead guards and a heavily equipped female commando with a fierce look on her face. ]

FEMALE COMMANDO: “Follow me to safety.” [ Spins around and marches out the front door at a brisk pace, ignoring questions from the women behind her. ]

WOMAN #3: “Who are you?”

WOMAN #2: “What do you want?”

WOMAN #1: [ To the commando, who does not stop and does not respond. ] “Wait!” [ Charges through the lobby chasing after the commando, with the others following. ] [ On the steps. ] “We’ll die if we leave here.”

[ The others stop on the porch to see what response #1 will get from the commando.]

COMMANDO: [ On the edge of the jungle. ] [ Without breaking her stride and without missing a beat. ] “You’ll die if you stay.”

#2: [ Running down the steps. About to pass #1. ] [ To the commando. ] “Hey, stop!”

#1: [ Turning her head toward #2. Putting her hand on #2’s shoulder to stop her. ] [ To #2. ] “No, let me handle this.” [ Turning back toward the commando. Going to the bottom of the steps. ]

WOMAN #6: [ Appearing at the door. ] “I’ve got to go back for something.”

COMMANDO: [ Finally stops and turns around. ] [ Pulls a remote control out of a pocket and hits a button, then puts the remote back in the pocket. ] [ Speaks into her walkie talkie. ] “Black Two, this is Black One.”

As far as the sample text goes, I think it might be easier to read with proper character names. Just operating by numbers and titles, it's difficult for me to keep track of who is speaking.

If a person offend you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. ~ Mark Twain2015, Q4: R2016: SF, n/a, SHM, SHM2017: SHM, n/a, F, R