Pondering these words..... "A child needs both to be
hugged and unhugged. The hug lets her know she is valuable. The unhug lets her
know that she is viable. If you’re always shoving your child away, they will
cling to you for love. If you’re always holding them closer, they will cling to
you for fear." --Polly Berrien Berends, Gently Lead

From the kitchen.....I WILL get that egg salad made for
Hubby’s lunch as well as a roast in the crock for dinner!

Around the house....I really need to do some laundry!

One of my favorite things.....is this time of year and
seeing first hand all of God’s wonderful creations around us as the leaves
change to brilliant colors!

A few plans for the rest of the week.....include finishing a
power point for work, watching a volleyball game, got the glucose tolerance
test over with today (yuck!), a conference call, making a reservation for the
end of the month when we go to Morgantown!, celebrating Baleigh’s 12 birthday!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I share snippets of my life with my readers. I am not sure if it is hormones that are
raging within my 26 week pregnant body or I if am simply at a breaking point
where I am not sure how much I can take anymore. Those close to me know that on
December 30, 2011 for the first time ever I disagreed (out loud) with the way my
oldest step daughter constantly chose to play her parents, her mother and my
husband, against one another. Do I regret that decision? Absolutely not! Do I
wish the reaction from her would have been different? Only every day of my
life!Now, I feel that I am constantly
wandering around and constantly wondering what in the world will happen next in
this crazy little life of ours. I used to find such joy in the everyday pursuit
of life and now constantly face it with uncertainty and dismay. I realized how
bad this is affecting me only this evening as I sat on the couch with my
computer, trying unsuccessfully to get some work done. As my mind started to
racing (again) about our life situation I found myself goggleing “my step
daughter hates me”. WoW! I was shocked at how many people had posted their own
heart breaking stories of their experiences of such situations.

The one constant thought that I have about this is that time
is the only infinite and once it is gone, it is gone. And sadly this past
almost year of time that has passed only widens the gap in the relationship
that I fear we will never have.I
torcher myself constantly with the memories of the few interactions that we
have had since that horrid night. One of those is the memory of her publicly
announcing on Facebook that she hates me and hopes I die. I tried over and over
to text and invite her for family gatherings and just offer a sentiment of my
hopes for her to have a good day. Until she finally answered me! I was so
excited as I opened that text message. The excitement quickly turned to an
uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read the words, “ Don’t
text me. If you do again I will block your number. You are the reason I haven’t
been coming in and you are the reason for the strain in me and my dad’s
relationship and I will NEVER forgive you for that. I have no interest in further
communication with you.” That was on April 3, 2012 and so I did not text her
again until…. One morning, July 5, 2012 I woke up to find that she had sent me
a friend request on Facebook! I was ecstatic until…. I sent her a text that
read,” when I woke up and saw that you sent me an add on fb I felt like so many
prayers had been answered. I hope we can work on our friendship. Hope your 4th
was good!” And as fast as I was friended, I was unfriended all over again. Not
sure I understood, the only the only thing that I could figure was that she was
not actually the one that sent me the friend request in the first place but
maybe someone trying to be a little nosey since we had only the day before had
our “gender reveal” party.

I try to rationalize why this crazy little situation has
taken a hold of my life the way that it has. I try to find some comfort in
knowing (after my little google search) that I am not the only person in this
world that has experienced such heartache. I try to find something in God’s
word to help ease the pain. I have to find the strength to change that “why me?”
“why us” mentality. I know that God has a purpose here and He has a reason for
everything that He does as well as a plan.

I watch my almost 12 year old bounce through the house and I
can vividly remember meeting her for the very first time, my first true love.
My younger daughters had the same affect on my life as they took their first
breath outside of my womb. I have had the opportunity to cultivate flourishing
relationships with both of my husband’s younger daughters and I feel that those
relationships grow stronger all the time but all the while this whisper inside
of me is growing into a SCREAM that yells, “Please God let me get to know
Bailee (the one that hates me) one day!”

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also
set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from
beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11This bible verse tells me that God knows
EXACTLY what I am struggling with and in its own time, in His time I will see
the exquisiteness in it all. I am not
very successful thus far in finding patience to deal with this situation
without frustration and tears. Please send prayers my way and offer any bible
verses that you think may help me along in this heart wrenching journey. Thank
you for taking the time to read this. Your prayers are greatly needed and
appreciated in this difficult time!