A Nice Cup of Tea While Harvesting Organs

Well, if you’re anything like me – after watching the video from yesterday you haven’t been sleeping much.

For that, I’m both filled with regret and an odd warmth to my very core… Now, when I begin by saying “I haven’t been sleeping much” that should, well lets just make a pact right now, when I say “I haven’t been sleeping” – let’s make that a code – a warning of sorts, which you should interpret to mean, put on your helmets and fire-retardant suits, because most likely the post that follows will be – “unusual” – there, now isn’t that a nice polite word for – off the freakin deep end. To be sure we shall indeed flirt with the very edges of societal acceptance, only to veer back just before being forcibly confined and pumped full of Thorazine. A most unpleasant ordeal, or at least that was the impression I got after those experiments on poor kids. Oh calm down, most of them lived well into their teens…

Ok, so my humour tends to caress the dark side, (DETOUR – REDUCE SPEED) – so I’m listening to music as I write this and “Della and the Dealer by Hoyt Axton has just come on, good old Hoyt has one DEEP voice…. how does that happen, I want that voice, me, Hoyt and James Earl Jones, exclusive club – I think we’re all pretty familiar with how to make a man raise his voice several octaves, it usually requires nothing more than a well placed boot, but to get deeper, a deep rumbling baritone. Well that’s much tougher, can’t be done, or if it can, I ‘m not aware of how, anyone with ideas – let me know. (DETOUR ENDS – RESUME SPEED) A.D.D. What, Who? Me?

As I was saying humour – dark side. It’s natural, there isn’t much funny about pretty, or nice, or clean or anything swell…. there just isn’t. Now, introduce some crap or misfortune into those situations and the majority of people will crack up. Whether they are polite enough to do it right then or later makes no never mind, there is no argument, misery is funny. It’s not just being mean, that’s not funny… OK well it can be… but it’s tougher to be mean and get others to laugh along with you, unless the object of your pointed rapier-like wit, deserves it, then people are only too happy to pile on. Let’s get back to my kids, at least the ones I know of… I usually see them weekends when they get time off from the orphanage. Or is it work camp? – I can never keep those straight, anyways ask my sister she’s done time at both….

We’re in the car, kids in the back seat, now don’t ask me how I got on this topic with them but I was describing in vivid detail how I planned on making myself a nice cup of tea, then I was going to (Sorry, I need to explain something here before we continue – for a great number of years I have been a fan of bones… yea, I said bones, not the TV show, although I like that too, but real bones, the things that used to be on the inside of alive stuff…. so despite being dirt poor right now, we happened upon a yard sale a few weeks back and the gent had 6 pristine, fully intact animal skulls – rabbit, raccoon, skunk, beaver, fox and coyote – now how I gonna pass that up?…. I haggled, he waffled, I finagled, he thrust, I parried – then in an orgy of utter disregard for the lives and sanctity of animals, he sold them to me for a song. That song was the hokey-pokey and I NAILED it…. So, into the bag the goods went and I was on my merry way.

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Ok, now I can continue, we’re all in the car and my girls both asked what I intended to do with them? I went on a very vivid and detailed explanation about my plans, something along the following – I intended to make myself a nice cup of tea, then I would clear an area in the basement, set up the skulls in a semi-circle around a pentagram I scratched into the ground with a black cat, all overlooking my “stage” – I would then proceed to bring a succession of local people who I would drug, then, once they were sufficiently unconscious – I would remove several of their vital organs, they would be left alive, barely – and released into the woods not too far from our house – with no memory or any indication I had anything to do with their organs being harvested. Some of the organs would then be sold to wealthy asian businessmen, the others I would keep, in an attempt to start a hydroponic organ farm in the basement, harvesting kidneys, livers, spleens and whatever else I could get to take root… in effect, I would be saving lives with this venture without the hassle of having to jump through the ridiculous medical hoops imposed on unrecognized geniuses such as myself.

Swear to god, I said all of that with even more detail and verbal special effects, really poured on the razzle dazzle. Took about 4 or 5 minutes of solid talking, during which no one else in the car said a word. Then, when I stopped speaking, there was a further, brief silence before Kimber, my youngest said, the only thing I don’t believe about that story is your having a cup of tea, you don’t even like tea. She wasn’t kidding, she said it without irony or sarcasm or anything other than genuine observation. She implied all of it was a distinct possibility except for the Tea part….

Yes, THAT… THAT was what they had trouble believing about the story, not the kidnapping or the conversations with the skulls, the pentagram or the organ harvesting, or growing livers in giant vats of space jelly.. nope – non of that bothered them – all completely plausible – could totally happen as far as they were concerned. The part of the story that didn’t ring true, my having a cup of tea….. as I said earlier I fear I may have ruined my girls.

Yes, I fear the distinct possibility that my children think me weird and not in a cute, leave it to Beaver, dads a dork way. But in a fully expecting to get a call from the police someday about me type way….. and that’s just sad, cause I’m a damn nice guy.