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Thursday, January 17, 2013

the boys next door

When my son was born, 15 years ago, I gazed at his angelic little face and
anticipated the things I'd teach him: Say please and thank you! Always wash
behind your ears.Be sure to share!

And oh, while we're having this little chat, no gang raping, OK?!

No? That last one wasn't on your list?

Mine either.

But, you know what, I think it should be.

You may have heard about the high school boys who were accused
of raping a drunk and unconscious sixteen year old girl in Steubenville,OH.Lesser known is the story of another
young man, a Steubenville High alumnus, named Michael Nodianos.Nodianos appears in a video making vile jokes
about the incident.Giggling, he says
things like “she is so raped right now” and she’s “deader than a doornail” (as
in, dead drunk).

There are a million directions to go with this horrifying and offensive
story, but I want to focus on a statement by Nodianos's lawyer. He said,
"[Michael] sincerely regrets his behavior and the effect it has had on all
parties involved, especially his family. He was not raised to act in this
manner."

I find the last part so interesting: "He was not raised to act in this
manner." I imagine he wasn't, but apparently, that wasn't good enough.
What exactly does it mean to not raise your son to laugh about rape?

I'm not blaming Nodianos's parents. This question is for everyone, including
me. I think it's important to ask because I recognize this whole situation. Do
you?

It reminds me of my own college years, where I found myself
immersed in a party culture that was downright predatory.Groups of young men who were hyper-focused on
sexual bragging rights did insidious things: from groups that created point
systems to track their exploits; to young men who agreed to spy on one
another’s sexual feats; to boys who would say anything to make a girl feel
special; to date rape; to drunken rape; to gang rape.An intoxicated girl at a party was nothing
short of prey.

Sure, I knew a lot of nice guys who would never engage in such practices,
but that doesn't change that rape happened a lot. The worst incident I knew of
differs little from what occurred in Steubenville. A friend of mine went to a
fraternity party. The last thing she remembers is sitting at a table in the
party room. When she woke in the morning, she found herself in a strange bed,
naked. She could tell from the pain that she had been raped and sodomized. She
found her clothes and shoes in a different room, a horrifying fact that
suggests her naked body had been passed among multiple assailants in multiple
rooms.

I think this kind of thing is far more common than people think. And the
perpetrators aren't necessarily psychopaths.They're the boys next door.

Why?

Our boys grow up in a culture that normalizes violence against women. Our
media blames the victim and our lawmakers talk about "legitimate"
rape while our video games, television, film, advertisements, music and readily
available porn all tell our sons to seek their masculinity through violence and
sexual conquest. In a rape culture such as this, women come off as pawns,
stepping stools, obstacles, or play things.

Put all these ideas in the boiling pot of a young teen's head, then add
alcohol. Fold in a little group psychology and sprinkle with peer pressure. Top
it off with a dash of drunken girl. Stir.

We create monsters out of otherwise run-of-the-mill, responsible young men.
They don't break other laws; they perform well in school; they treat their friends
and family with respect, but they treat women like trash.

How can we stop it?

I think one thing is clear. We won't stop it by simply not raising
our boys to tolerate or perpetrate rape. Such a passive approach leaves room
for rape culture to teach those things for us. We need to prosecute offenders,
of course, but we also need to actively and explicitly push back, to teach our
boys to value women as human beings before they have a chance to treat women
otherwise.

How do we do that?

We can model positive male/female partnerships at home.We can beef up their media savvy by talking about
how certain images objectify women.We
can talk about responsible and intimate sex, and finally, we can talk about
rape--especially the kind that might not seem like rape to them, the kind that
happens between friends or acquaintances, or at parties.

So I told my son about Steubenville and Nodianos's video. I
told him how the rules can feel suspended when you're drinking at a party, but
that the morning will always bring accountability to the girl, the law and the
self. I told him I knew women who were raped in college--that it wasn't
uncommon. I told him he should never touch an unconscious or incoherent girl
unless he's trying to help her. I told him that one day, he could find himself
at a party where friends might suggest he have a go at the “dead” girl in back.

What would he do?

The most obvious answer, "don't rape the girl." But beyond that,
beyond what he wouldn't do, what would he do? I realized as I
was asking him, that I didn't necessarily know the answer.

These kinds of rapes occur, in part, because bystanders tolerate them, so we
agreed he should stop it if he could.Yet,
I admitted I could easily imagine a situation where that wouldn't be possible.
In that case, I suggested, he should get out of there and call the police. I
insisted that whatever he did, he could not be a bystander. I asked him to
think of his sister--he would want someone to help her.

I speculated that he would probably need new friends after all that, but who
needs those kinds of friends anyway?

Finally, I told him he could always talk to us about anything.

Of course, like Michael Nodianos's parents, I don't think I've raised my son
to perpetrate, tolerate, or laugh about rape. But the Steubenville case made me
question what I had done to explicitly raise my son not to do those
things, especially since he's grown up in a culture that repeatedly tells him
it's OK.

I'm glad he and I had this talk. I know I haven't solved the whole problem, but by giving him the gift of a little forethought, I'm doing my best to send this one young man out into the world with the understanding that a woman might be a number of things to him: a friend; a confidant; a partner; a lover, but never a toy.

Not raping is insufficient. Men need to be taught not to objectify women. I have never been comfortable around guys when they were talking about "pussy," "huge tits," etc. A well grounded man does not use such language.

Yes, it is about valuing and protecting. I think, in some ways, we've lost something with the death of our "gentleman" culture. (Although, we've gained a lot more than we've lost.) In the end though, this may be more about teaching our sons to stand up to group think and mob action than anything else. And for that matter our daughters too. I not only want my sons to act outside of the mob in this situation, I want my daughter to have tools for protecting herself and I want her to take her friend with her when she leaves a party - even if it takes the police to do it. Hard stuff that collides massively with the all important teen/young adult need to "fit in."

yes - that need to fit in is very powerful. my son, who has never given a hoot about fashion, suddenly can only wear one particular kind of socks. really?

i don't care about what socks he wears at all, but i still point out to him that he should venture out on his own, dare to be different. it's good practice for the decisions/dilemmas that will really matter.

Deb, Your blog touched me in so many ways, no pun here. All of our kids need to understand about the many ideas and situations you bring up. Being a bystander in these situations is just as dangerous as being the bully or victim. I plan to share this on my Facebook page and tweet as well, thank you.

thanks debbie. and you're right that bystanders face danger as well: danger of accountability (to themselves, the law, their peers), danger of retaliation (if they try to leave, help, or just refuse to participate). It is a difficult situation for which anyone would need guidance.

Education starts in the home and all boys should be taught to respect women they way I was a very long time ago. They should also be taught the legal implications. When all else fails , fear works with teenage boys. In my day, many states executed rapists and we were told all a girl had to do was pint and say he raped me and we would be strapped to the electric chair based solely on her word. This was not true of course, but we all believed it to be the case. There was no rape culture in the 50's and 60's as rape was extremely rare.

I read this article in the UU World and was very glad to have this topic broached so eloquently. I've been thinking about this a lot myself. I have a 9 year old boy, and have been wondering when I start bringing up issues like this. I realize that the answer to this question is "when he's ready," and no one can really answer that for me, but I would like to read Deb's and reader's comments about when they think is a good time to start talking about this issue with their sons.

Hi Katerine,Thanks for such a great question! I think it's important to lay the groundwork early by teaching our kids to be critical consumers/viewers from their earliest exposure to popular culture. I started talking about how women get treated unfairly in the media as soon as I saw my son exposed to those msgs (think advertisements during sports etc.)

As for the more specific conversation about rape, of course you know your son best, but as one parent to another, I'd recommend two guidelines: try to have this conversation before he is exposed to teen party culture in his social life. When that is will vary, of course, but you will probably be able to tell from the culture at his school and the interests of he and his friends. Whenever it is, it just seems best to get them before they think they know more than you do about a given topic!

Second, be on the lookout for the right opportunity. A news story, a movie or TV show, or even a song can help raise the subject organically. If it happens earlier rather than later, I imagine you could have a much less explicit talk about respect and trust. Once you feel he's mature enough (middle school or early high school?)you can introduce the grittier details. Either way, having something in their popular culture to ground the conversation can make it feel more relevant for them, and it helps a lot with awkardness by deflecting some of the attention away from their lives and onto the news/fictional story. We found that helpful anyway.

I'm a sixty-five year old male and I feel very alone sometimes - though not when I'm with my wife of thirty years or with my grown children. I feel alone because I find it very hard to live in this American culture that finds it so difficult to build civilized cultural norms. I lived in England years ago for two years and found that, when change was needed it seemed to come from within long-standing traditions that gave that change deep resonance within individuals and the group. Yes, Americans change social norms more quickly...but do we really change things? Or do we simply fragment society more?Violence seems to be an endemic problem in our country. Hollywood seems almost entirely corrupted by it. If we have no laws to prohibit such things, are we exercising freedom or are we condoning the violence - especially in the eyes of our children. My wife and I would not allow our son to play violent video games, knowing he might at a friends house. We sent him to a Quaker school. We let him know how alienated we were with the culture at large that, "tolerated" and exploited all the violent TV, movies and internet "news". Meanwhile he grew up knowing his sister was not a subject of worry in the family. Women, young and old were not vicious, violent predators. We sent him to college in England where there were cultural problems, but at least males had more non-violent roles to play. His sister's in college in London, now.

The cost was them growing up in a family that was foreign. I never feel foreign in London.

I agree that it can be so frustrating and even alienating trying to raise kids with values that differ from those espoused by popular culture. My strategy so far has been to talk it to death - hopefully I'm getting through!

I just read this article in my UU Magazine. Thank you for writing it. As a mom of two boys and one girl, it really hits home. We'll be having plenty of conversations about character and taking care of others as they all grow. Good stuff : )