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Why “We Need To Talk About Kevin” Was the Worst Movie of 2011.

"Dear, we need to talk about Kevin." "Nah, let's not."
And then, they didn't.

You know
when people walk out of movies like “Transformers” or “Resident Evil:
Retribution”, there’s one invariable “everyman critic” review: “Yeah, the effects and technical aspects are flawless, but what are those worth
when the acting and screenplay are so terrible?”

Seriously. Every fucking time. It’s documented.

I will
start off—err, this paragraph—by saying that I really enjoy both the
“Transformers” and “Resident Evil” franchises for what they are, despite all
their inherent terribleness. I find it incredibly easy to enjoy stuff I want to
enjoy, and it takes a special kind of terribleness for me to really, really
walk out of a movie huffing smoke out of my nose.

The title
up there isn’t a hyperbole. I will be a bit fair and say that I did see two movies that were worse than “We Need To Talk About Kevin” last year,
one of which I can confidently say is the worst movie I have seen in my entirelife. I will ignore those two capital sins against the zeitgeist because, let’s
be honest, who gives a fuck about two terrible Mexican movies thankfully no one
saw? I regret bringing them up right now.

So “We Need
To Talk About Kevin” was a critically praised indie movie (apparently based on a novel I have no interest in) starring the “Is it
weird I find her hot?” Tilda Swinton and the always—and I mean always—likable
John C. Reilly, built around the subject of a school mass
shooting/killing—something that will always be a touchy subject best approached
carefully in any situation. The problem with this premise is that, complex a
subject as though it is, there’s rarely much to say about it through fiction. Gus
Van Sant’s “Elephant”? Sure, it was a technically impressive, powerfully acted,
largely realistic movie, but other than having our guts churned, did it really
have any interesting to say? Not really but it sure as hell tried to explore the horrible drama within the school and the kids involved, and that’s
why it’s a superior film.

Now, the twist that made me very much interested in this movie was that it supposedly didn’t explore the shooting itself, but what happens with the freaked out parents
afterwards. Now we’re talking! That’s something we don’t ever see, and is no
doubt interesting and dramatic. Except, oh bloody whoops. “We Need To Talk About Kevin”
isn’t about that at all. Someone fucked up when turning the premise into a
screenplay, and boy it was the Challenger of fuck-ups.

See, the
problem with this deceiving little git is that it isn’t just not about the interesting
aftermath; it’s isn’t about anything at all. Worse still, during its torturous
length and through its plodding pacing, any semblance of drama we do get is
repetitive and impossibly shallow. You see, this movie isn’t an exploration on
evil. Evil is hard to talk about casually, and is certainly very hard to
represent on screen, especially its fundaments.

Ladies and gentlemen: Evil!

“We Need To
Talk About Kevin” could’ve been about the proverbial question: when is evil
born? Yet, it isn’t. One could maybe argue that it kinda tried, but any aspects
of the topic approached here are so fucking absurd and/or classless it’s hard
to take it as seriously as it begs to be taken.The elements that represent
Kevin’s supposedly innate evil come right out of the “Evil Child 4 Dummies”
checklist; we get him torturing animals, lying (with one hell of a straight
face because that is evil as fuck), even playing violent video games
while hilariously yelling “Die! Die! Die!” Oh, and there’s the incredibly flat
bit where he’s jerking off and, his mother walks in on him, and he just keeps
going with a really, really cheesy smile for which I blame the director—and not
the actor, who was to be fair doing a great job with the material given.

Oh, by the
way: Kevin’s sexuality is never ever touched upon; god forbid something
interesting about this little shit was revealed.

The movie
culminates (re: doesn’t start) with the actual school shooting which
takes place at the school gym that Kevin somehow managed to stealthily shut
close with bike locks. Then, he goes Katniss against his classmates with a bow and arrow. A fucking bow and
arrow. I suppose saying something about weapon control in the US was out of the question? I don’t
know if this was supposed to be a comment on “Durr, you gotta be careful what
gifts you give your child!” but damn, it sure takes punch away from a scene
that had every right to be horrifying. Oh, because unlike “Elephant”, which
framed a truly terrifying shooting scene, this one happens completely
off-screen. I swear to Fenrir, “Space Buddies” had bigger balls than this borderline
offensive waste of time.

I think the
aggregated amount of time spent on the actual aftermath of the shooting (which
is shown through flashbacks/forwards; can’t tell with the disjointed
narrative), is about ten minutes. Not kidding. And even these scenes, which are
admittedly the few interesting bits, don’t really have anything new or
unexpected. Tilda’s character is ostracized, blamed, estranged from the
townsfolk, obviously being blamed for raising such a little hellion, with the
exception of one of the shooting’s survivors which happens to be actually
supportive. That kid was the one original thing.

So in the
end, “We Need To Talk About Kevin” amounts to nothing more than two hours of a
one-dimensional little turd torturing the fuck out of his poor mother—and only his
mother, as his dad and adorable little sister seem to think Kevin is a
stand-up chap.

Again, none
of this is a hyperbole. There’s nothing more than one “Kevin vs. Mom, Kevin
inexplicably wins” scenario after another. Like I said, there’s no exploration
of Kevin’s evil—or even Kevin’s character—whatsoever, no actual causal flow of
events or narrative arc, because this entire movie is one long “Act I”, so the
truly interesting aspects the movie should have amounted to never came. It
spent the time it should’ve spent moving forward trying really hard to
make us see how fucking evil Kevin has always been.

Which is a disappointment in itself. Wouldn’t it have been far more interesting
to have someone that’s always been a saint to suddenly Satan out? There’s
nothing unexpected or unique here, which is why sitting through it is so draining and mind-numbing.

And no, I
don’t hate this movie because it’s one-dimensional. I certainly don’t hate it
because it’s draining (most of my favorite movies, such as “The End of Evangelion”,
“The Constant Gardener” or “Children of Men” are huge bummers). I hate it
because it’s one complete and utter failure. It tried to approach controversy,
but did so with a pussy the size of Neptune. It tried exploring primal and terrifying
aspects of humankind, but had no clue how to do so and ended up a parody. I
hated it because it promised to be something powerful and profound, and turned
out to be wimpy and shallow—and worst of all, boring to boot.

So I’m
honestly genuinely astounded by the overwhelmingly positive reception this
movie had. Are critics—and arthouse nerds—seriously so easily impressed by touchy
subjects? Were people really buying Kevin’s character as anything other than
the shameless caricature it is? Are people too afraid of being called “sick” for admitting that there’s nothing shocking or extreme in this movie? Or is it that
the aspects the movie does succeed in, which have nothing to do with the story,
enough to make them forget that everything else was garbage?

Tilda
Swinton’s acting is phenomenal. But—and here’s when I come full circle to that
opening thought—who gives a shit about one triumphant aspect when everything
else is so unimaginably terrible? Do indie movies get this license whereas MichaelBay doesn’t? I think that’s it, and I
think that’s horseshit.