Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Maiden, NC. Pastor Charles Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church, and self-appointed earthly representative of Jesus Christ, believes he has the perfect plan to eliminate homosexuality from the United States, and simultaneously please the perverted, vicious image of the Prince of Peace that he preaches:

"Build a great, big, large fence — 150 or 100 mile long — put all the
lesbians in there. Do the same thing for the queers and the homosexuals
and have that fence electrified so they can’t get out…and you know what,
in a few years, they’ll die out…do you know why? They can’t reproduce!"

Unless you should think, however, that Pastor Worley is completely devoid of compassion, he does suggest air-dropping food into the concentration camp. Nice.

While the pastor's solution certainly resonates with his benighted congregation, it has one glaring flaw (besides being almost magically evil), and one would suppose he would notice this, since he mentioned it in the above quote, and that is that homosexuals do not reproduce. So where do they come from?

Straight people.

So even if all gay people were put into death camps, straight people will continue to have gay children.

Damn.

Pastor Worley really needs to rethink this plan. Fortunately, he will have an eternity to ponder it.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Lynchburg, VA. This past weekend presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered the commencement speech at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. We are fortunate to have received a copy of the first draft of that speech before it was drastically edited and present it here in its entirety.

"Hi there, boys and girls! I am severely honored to be here today, on this important occasion, as you make your way into the world and begin the work you've prepared for. I love Liberty University. The buildings are just the right height. Ha ha. I also love the name of your town, Lynchburg. It reminds me of trees. Ha ha.

"Now I know many of you think I'm a member of a cult, just because my religion tells me that God lives on a planet named Kolob and that Jesus is Satan's brother, but really I'm just like you: intolerant and Machiavellian, although richly cloaked with false piety, and in my case, magic boxers."Just like you, I believe marriage is sacred and is only to be between one man and one woman, unless you're Rush Limbaugh, and then it's one man and four women. Ha ha. Poor Rush, he was just born in the wrong century. If he had been born in my grandfather's day, he could have had all four at the same time! Ha ha.

"But seriously, we cannot let gay people ruin the institution of marriage. The next thing you know, they'll be getting divorces just like the rest of us. Imagine the log jam in the courts! And I still stand by my commitment to all American bakers they they not be required to create gay wedding cakes if it offends their consciences.

"And even though I believe Jesus came to America to teach the Indians, I, like you, am severely pro-life, except for endless war, the death penalty, Muslims and Irish Setters. That is why we must abolish Planned Parenthood and the ASPCA. If women want free health care, they should marry a guy with some money. As for the ASPCA, they spend millions aborting puppies. I want to live in a country where there is a dog for every car roof.

"Now you graduating students are entering the real world, where you must, like me, make your own way. And believe me, as a businessman I know how to do this. First, have a father who is a governor and president of a car company. Then be very tall and handsome. It's easy. If you don't make it in business, you can always be an underwear model. Ha ha."Of course I'm talking to the boys here! You girls are now equipped to be the best little homemakers the world has ever seen! Don't forget that! Breed your own soccer team! Ann did!

"So go out now into the world and use the knowledge you've amassed here at Liberty — creation science, revisionist history, Dominionist theology and smug intolerance — to return our nation to its glory days. There's a planet with your name on it waiting for you.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

My
neighbor Nick made us a wonderful and unique breakfast this morning. Aside
from the fresh-squeezed OJ, he did his usual round, homemade waffles,
but this time he cut a hole in the center, inserted a poached egg, which
had spicy spam under it, then topped with hollandaise sauce. It was
delicious. But he couldn't think of what to call it. I suggested Eggs
Romney.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Washington, DC. It has been revealed in the past few days that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was actually the architect of the auto bailout that saved GM, that he would have killed Osama bin Laden with his own bare hands and that he is not a stuffed shirt, but a wild and crazy prankster who short sheets beds and gives chamber maids hilarious fake dismissal notices, but only today was it made known that he was actually the "Fifth Beatle."

"This is usually an honor bestowed upon Sir George Martin," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "but it was actually Mitt who was instrumental in turning an average rock and roll band from Liverpool into the history-changing phenomenon that were the Beatles.

"For example, the Beatles wanted "Eleanor Rigby" to be a kazoo and banjo song, but Mitt insisted they use a string octet instead, producing one of the most memorable pieces of popular music ever created. Of course Mitt's piano work on "In My Life" is legendary."

The Romney campaign, however, was quick to dismiss any rumors of a reunion tour in the near future.

"Mitt's rock and roll days are behind him," Rhoades said, "He has other priorities. But we can and will return this country to the early sixties."

Meanwhile, Brian Wilson, 69 year-old founder of the Beach Boys, has agreed to add Romney's name to any further pressings of "Good Vibrations."

"We really couldn't have written that without Mitt," Wilson said, "He was a really more of a hodad, you know, but still in my mind a big kahuna. Drank a lot of milkshakes. Good dancer. Nice Woody."

About Me

Kona Lowell is the author of The Solid Green Birthday & Other Fables and Don't Pet the Sharks: Advice, Observations & Snark from the Big Island, Hawaii. Also a musician, Kona's newest project is No Empty Sky, the CD titled "Empire."