Sunday, March 31, 2013

I think that everyone hates me and talks behind my back. Ok, not actually EVERYONE, but anyone that I don't consider a best friend.

Silly right? And I know it's not rational, but it's ingrained into me. It's from years of being made fun of and bullied for being fat.

It really occurred to me this weekend that people I had put into the "friend" category, really are in the "acquaintance" category. It saddens me a bit, but truthfully, it's their loss. I am an AWESOME friend. Just ask the ones I have. I would do anything for the ones I love (and that is what I feel towards my friends)

Not to create my own pity party or anything, but I had gall bladder surgery this past Thursday. My real close friends all sent me a message to see how I was and the couple that didn't directly do that, get a pass, because I KNOW 100% that is wasn't because they didn't care. I have a better relationship with them to know that.

Social media and networking doesn't help either. See, I posted on Facebook so my friends (and "friends") would know that I was ok. My true friends all either liked it or commented. That was it. The rest of my "friends" didn't say anything.

Should this bother me? Nope, not in the least, but it does. It really hurts. I mean, I tear up right now thinking about it. How childish, I know. I live so far away from my good friends that I desperately miss the social aspect of hanging out with them. It is bothering me more now these past couple months than it has in forever. I don't know why.

These "friends" share pictures of them going out together or talk about the things their families did together or you just get that they are "in the loop". Funny thing, I don't really have the desire to go out for wild nights at the bar, etc, but I just want to be included. Part of the reason I don't want to actually hang out with them is because it's a small community and some of these women were the same ones who made high school Hell for me, throwing gum in my hair and making me feel uncomfortable to walk down the halls.

So tonight, I took the small step to "unsubscribe" to updates of a few of them. Not unfriend them all together, because I am too nosy for that shit. But I don't need to be reminded of them every day.

I need to find a way to either "make new friends" which in this community is pretty hard or make better contact with the ones I have that are long distance. I am opting for the second option. I am fine without the actual going out thing....just want someone to randomly chat with.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Ok, so to honest, I really don't remember much since last Friday. I need to start keeping a running post until it's time to "make it live"
I do suspect though that if I don't really remember, then it must not have been very memorable.

The only day I do know for sure that I got some exercise was Tuesday.

I remember because I turned off my bullshit meter to do it.

So, here is the thing. Like any good fat person, there are a million reasons why you can't exercise and you promise yourself that when "such and such of a senerio" arises, you will find it so simple to exercise.

One of those things on my list is when the kids are in school full time, I will have my day off by myself to go for a nice walk around lunch time.

This Tuesday I was off work because it was the original date for my gall bladder surgery before it got moved to Thursday. Hayden was in school and Abby was in daycare. I spent the morning getting laundry caught up, making banana bread and other household chores. I was comfy and didn't want to leave the house. But I mentally smacked myself upside the head, telling myself that today was my perfect senerio. So, I put on my running shoes and my IPod and hit the streets. I convinced myself I would only do the small block but by the time I got to the turning point where I either go home or keep going, I decided to man up and keep going. It only takes me about 35 minutes to do the whole loop. It is a nice walk, with some gradual hills. Plus I live in a perfect neighbourhood for it. I wish I was one of those bloggers that has a nifty camera phones and snapped pictures of their out and abouts, but truthfully, I barely know how to turn on my cell phone.

I had my gall bladder removed on Thursday and today it the first day I feel somewhat human!

My non scale victory for this week is a continuation of last week. I still managed to immerse myself in raw peppers. Since my last post, I managed to eat almost a whole pepper, raw. Big deal here people! I'm home until Tuesday and I won't be doing veggies at least until then.

What about you? What were your non-scale victories for the week? Link up and share!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I was supposed to have my gallbladder surgery today, but it has been postponed until Thursday. I could have gone to my meeting but chose not to. My main excuse being that the person who was presenting the meeting is uninspiring and I didn't want to listen to him ramble on.

I have still been struggling with not eating crap. I just can't get a handle on it for the life of me. I need to re-commit to myself.

I was home off work today (because of the above mentioned surgery) I had the house to myself. The kids were at school and daycare.

I did manage to make myself go for a good 30 minute walk. I almost talked myself out of it and then remembered that I always say how much exercise I could get in if I had a day at home by myself.

So, I did it and felt good about it, but then proceeded to ruin it by snacking on some chips and chocolate.

TOMORROW!

Thursday is my surgery and I figure I won't be eating much for a couple days. Perhaps that will give me a good start.

Anyway, there is my recap. I have no numbers for you. According to my scale, I was up a bit, but that was just after eating dinner (which I don't normally do before I weight in) With that taken into account, I figure I would have either been the same or down very slightly.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

If you have managed to read through my whole blog, you know I am a card carrying member of TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly)

While I have not lost TONS of weight while using it, I have lost about 30 pounds and the accountability of the group has kept me from packing that back on (plus some)

You might be wondering...how could I possibly have a confession around belonging to such a great group? Well, this is how. I want to start carrying "business cards" and hand them out to other "fat" people I see on the street.

HOWEVER....I know how people don't really like that. I mean, I would be pretty mortified if someone did that to me.

I live in a small village and there are a couple women who would benefit from TOPS. I see them out walking every once in awhile and I know they are probably trying to make a difference in their life and I just want to make them aware of this program in their own community. I am pretty sure that half of the village has no idea we meet each week in the church basement.

There was another woman that I know from work that I desperately wanted to make sure she knew about TOPS. She is a client of ours, around 30, who is overweight, diabetic and her feet are failing her. As in, I would not be surprised if eventually she has them amputated. For a whole week after her last visit, I wanted to sit down and write her a letter, telling her all about TOPS and where the chapter closest to her meets. In the end I didn't because I didn't know if it was appropriate. I don't think she fully grasps the seriousness of her condition. I am scared for her truthfully. What would you do if you were in my situation? Would you send her a nice little letter, telling her about the program, or would you leave it and hope one day it all clicks for her?

So, that is my confession for the week. It's not much of one, but basically, I want to be the pied piper of fat people and lead them to TOPS meetings.

(and by the way, I use the term "FAT" in a loving way. I call myself fat and have nicknamed by TOPS group, my "fat group". If you are offended or think I am mean....better stop reading my blog now!) :-)

Friday, March 22, 2013

Well, here we are, another week gone and it's time to re-cap what sort of fitness I worked in.

Be prepared to be underwhealmed.

Saturday

Abby and I had a short 15 minute walk. I intended it to be about 30, but someone had to pee and we just headed home instead.

Sunday

nadda, a full 24 hours of sitting around.

Monday

Woke up early to walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes....hated EVERY minute of it!

Tuesday

15 minutes of snow shovelling

Wednesday

Big Ol' goose egg - none

Thursday

Let me think....oh yeah...another day of nothing!

Friday

I didn't to anything concrete, but I did go grocery shopping and browsing around Costco.

So, as you can see, I didn't manage to step it up. I do have a bit of an excuse. My foot is starting to act up again and I have been trying to take it easy so it doesn't set me on my ass for 2 months like it did last time.

Next week will probably be a bit of a write off towards the end. I am having my gallbladder removed and that should lay me up for a few days. I'm hoping come mid-late April, I will be 100% on all ends and be back on my game 100%. For now, the best I can do is focus on the eating. I have eaten more than half of a red pepper raw in my lunch over the past week!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Ok, I gotta admit...I have been itching to do this post since Tuesday.

My non-scale victory was awesome for me.

I'm going to jump right to it.

For lunch on Tuesday, I brought a variety of cut veggies to try!

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!If you know me, you know that I "HATE" veggies! I could state this with absolute fact, despite the honest truth that I really hadn't ever tried any.

I decided that I would try some. I have a favorite veggie dip that I like for cucumber. I have never given it a shot with other veggies though. I stopped at the grocery store on Monday to pick up stuff for supper and grabbed a few things to try.

I bought:

Celery

Baby Carrots

Red Pepper

At first on Tuesday, I wasn't sure that I could go through with it. I started with the cucumber, because I already like it. Then I tried a pepper. I had once tried raw pepper at a shower and it was OK, and I figured it would be better with a dip I liked. I wasn't wrong. It was palatable. Not fantastic, but I ate about 4 small strips. Then I tried the celery. Again, the taste wasn't half bad, but the texture put me off a bit. I didn't like that once I bit into it, it didn't sever off in a clean slice and I sort of had to pull it to get the strands. Lastly, I looked my lifelong enemy of carrots in the face and tried one. There wasn't a lot of flavor and it wasn't terrible, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around eating it.

I ate WAY more dip than necessary, but you have to start somewhere. By the end, I was tired of eating them. I ate most of my cucumber, most of the pepper and a taste of celery and carrot.

Today, I stuck with pepper and cucumber. It's shopping night tonight and I plan to load up on some to try. I have my new veggie keepers from Tupperware, so they won't spoil as fast.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Right on time tonight! I asked my hubby to bring home his laptop so I could do my post tonight.

I realized that I needed to start becoming more accountable and one of the ways I was losing focus was on my blog. No longer did it matter that I recorded my weight on the Tuesday night. It used to be that I got home and went right to the computer to do it.

So, I am going to work hard at re-focusing myself.

Last week: 247.50 lbs
This week:248.75 lbs

A gain of +1.25 lbs

I'm not happy with this. It's dreadfully close to 250 again.

So, this week I am focused on eating better and moving more.

I won't have a TOPS meeting for the next 2 weeks because of my gallbladder surgery, so here is hoping I can keep myself in line.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

This new weekly edition occurred to me as I was getting into bed last night. I thought it would be a fun idea.

You see, the purpose of this one is not to celebrate what I have achieved over the week, but to point out where I failed.

This will be good for a couple reasons. Firstly, it's human to fail. We will all have some sort of tough spot throughout the week. Thing is though....it is because of those failures that we learn to pick ourselves off, dust off and keep on trekkin.

I also thought it will be eye opening for me. To read and write about something, at the time, I felt was so overwhelming that I couldn't find the courage to resist. Hopefully it will help me to realize how trivial it was in the end.

So, for my first confession, I have to tell you about a new product I picked up at the grocery store.

I did my regular grocery shopping last Thursday and saw this on the shelf. I had already put some bagels in the cart and had planned on getting some cream cheese to go with them. Then I saw this. It was like the chocolate Gods had shined down on me. I couldn't resist it! PLUS...1 Tbsp was only 50 calories. The marketing gurus claim it is less calories than traditional hazelnut spread. Better for you than Nutella? Put that puppy in the basket.

So, I got home. I put it in the fridge where it stayed until Saturday. On Saturday I looked at it and decided that I just couldn't stomach the idea of chocolate on my bagel. BUT, I had to know how good it tasted. So, I stuck in my knife and sampled it.

OMG

It was like eating babies it was so good! That little knife sample then turned into a spoon and the next thing I knew, it was Saturday night and I had eaten the whole containt﻿er.

THE

WHOLE

DAMN

THING﻿

I have no idea how many calories were in that little dish, but way more than I needed.

Here is where it gets better.

Never in my entire life have I had Nutella. I don't crave it or eat it like a crazy woman. Even more, I KNEW when I bought it that I wouldn't eat it on my bagels. My realm of reality could see that chocolate and bread don't mix. If I had just been honest with myself, I would have said.

"Amy Ruth! You know full well that you are buying that cream cheese with the sole intention of breaking out a spoon and eating it just as it is"

It is now officially going on the DO NOT BUY EVER list.

So, there you have it. My first installment of Sunday Confessions. I would offer to host a Link Up, but well, I don't have enough followers AND I have no idea how to set one up. But if you want to join me, just add your blog link in the comments section.﻿

Friday, March 15, 2013

Welcome to my newest blog edition. A weekly post to recap my exercise for the week.

If you have been reading my blog, you will be able to see that over the past few months, I have been struggling. Losing and gaining the same few pounds over and over.

I decided this week that I need more motivation. My blog keeps me honest and that is good. However, aside from my regular Tuesday post (which to be truthful, has not been that regular on Tuesdays), there was not much else. So, I decided I needed to find some link ups. I came across 2 of them, one I linked up to yesterday, to celebrate your non-scale victories. The other one was a link up for Tuesdays, a Spring Training 5k Challenge, with the end result being a virtual 5k. You can check out the details by following the link below if you are interested.

I have decided to not participate in this one for a couple reasons. I already have a Tuesday post, I'm not ready to start C25K again yet and the big one....while I enjoyed my stint at running, I never had the intention of running a 5K. No desire to do so, just wanted the self satisfaction of being able to physically run.

So, that being said, I decided to start my own fitness post. Feel free to join me if you like.

If nothing else, it will be purely honest and I want the same from you in your comments. Don't be all sugar coaty at say..."you will do better next week!" Nope, I wanna hear...."Are you shitting me? 24 hours in a day and you didn't manage to get in any exercise?!?!"﻿

The irony of this first post is not lost on me.....I just finished a bowl of ice cream before I sat down to do this.

Here is my log of exercise for the week, drum roll please................................

NADDA, ZIP, ZILCH, NONE

﻿Wait! Wait! It gets better...ask me how much screen time I have had this week...at least 21 hours! 21 hours of sitting on my ass!! I blame Netflix! Before Netflix, I could proudly boast that I only had 2 hours of Must-Watch TV.

I think it is just as important to log your exercise as it is for you to log your food. It can be quite at telling.

I have been trying real hard to think about some non-scale victories for this week and it's been hard. I can think of TONS of past ones and I am going to share some of those in a bit, but for this week. It's a silly one, but the story goes a bit like this. Last week, we went shopping at Costco and bought a huge bin of licorice. My victory surrounding those red vines is that I have had very few of them. The time before we had them, I am pretty sure I ate my weight in them, but this time I have been able to see past them to the bigger picture. Does that mean I haven't had any? Nope! But I have been able to control it better. It's the small things people!

As for a few previous ones:

1) I made the huge leap to throw out all of my "fat girl" clothes once I outgrew them. There is no chance of getting back into them if I don't have them. If this is not something you haven't done yet, DO IT! Right now! Step away from the computer immediately and bag them up, get them out of the house. You can read about my experience with it here﻿.

2) Of all parts of my body that I have noticed shrinking, I have noticed it in my fingers the most. My rings, that were once tight, are now loose and spin around on my fingers on their own. I've always wanted to be a size 8 (just didn't picture my fingers getting there first)

3) My consumption of Diet Pepsi has decreased substantially. I went from drinking 3-4 cans a day to that many in 1 week. I still don't love water, but I do well to get in a good 6 cups of it a day.

4) No longer does my family eat fast food once a week. When I had my first son, we did really well with this. Until about the age of 3, he really had no idea what a Happy Meal was or that they come with toys. Then my daughter was born and suddenly, things got crazy once I returned to work and I failed to prep properly. That left me with many nights of nothing planned and bringing home something that is served to me through a window. Not only is it bad for the body, it's hard on the pocket book. With the exception of 2 times, I have not had window-served food in about 2 months. My secret was food documentaries and even though I had those 2 "slip ups", I feel good for it. And by the way, those two slip ups were not as tasty as I imagined them to be.

So there you have it. That is how I celebrate away from the scales this week. Hopefully next week it can be something awesome like using the treadmill every day!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Firstly, let me say, I had a pretty "grown up" weekend. I ate reasonably, went outside to play ball hockey with the kids on Saturday and got my work out gear all ready Sunday night for an early Monday morning on the treadmill.

I had some time to myself at home on Saturday. My hubby had to run into town to get dog and hamster food and he took the kids. I stayed home to fold and put away laundry. I must admit, alone times in the morning are my favorite. Not because they are super productive, because they are. Nope, because I put my MP3 player on and sing and dance around the house. No one is there to complain about how loud I am or laugh at my wonderful dance moves.

As I was putting away loads of clothes, I had a bit of a realization in regards to this weight loss thing. My original plan when I started was to lose 100 lbs, and have my goal weight of 150lbs. Forever, I would tell myself, "I need to lose 100 lbs" Suddenly, I realized, that is not the case anymore. My current weight is 247.25 lbs, which means I only need to lose around 97 more pounds.

It will take a bit of work to change the thinking, to tell myself I am closer to goal than I thought. I mean, I am now under the 100 pound mark. I know some people try to break their losses down into smaller chunks. For a moment to celebrate, it would be great to do this, but my mind doesn't work like that. If I set my next goal as 240 lbs, I would still see the "bigger picture" in my head.

Does this make sense?

Oh yeah, I did in fact get up and walk on the treadmill this morning too. I did a few things to make it happen. I left the blind open last night, so that the room wouldn't be so cozy and cave like. It helped, plus when 6:30 rolled around, I just got out of bed, no matter how much I hated the idea. I do have to admit though, it was a real crappy walk on the treadmill. I wasn't interested in doing it. Abby came downstairs with me and wanted to watch her shows. That was fine, I was just going to pop on Netflix and watch something, but it wouldn't work for me. I didnt' bring down my music either, so I was stuck watching Max and Ruby while doing my best to struggle through 20 minutes. I did it though and that is my small victory!