Monday, 28 May 2012

Driving each other mad

There is only one thing that causes massive arguments in my house and I'm sure it's the same the world over.

It's not actually in the house, it's in the car and it turns two mild mannered individuals into crazed loonies.

It happens when we head for somewhere we've never been before and I'm in charge of the map, he's in charge of the steering.

This is generally how it goes;

Øif HE takes a wrong turn, it's my fault for not concentrating on the road. Oh I'm sorry, I was cleaning up the child vomit you hadn't even noticed has covered the back seat and whole of the ceiling

Øif we can't find a road, HE DRIVES FASTER, giving me absolutely no chance of reading the street signs to see where we are

Øif we are lost he starts to panic, and screams "look at the f***ing map" as loud as possible at me, whilst I - not one to swear - politely respond with "stop the f***ing car and I will"

Øso as we get more lost, drive even faster, and now have a square metre of map fully opened and obscuring the driving view, he decides we're GOING HOME

Øyes, defeatism sets in. We're never going to find it, we're late anyway, he's turning the car around and going back. It doesn't matter how long we've been driving. He can't be arsed with this shit car / shit place / shit holiday / shit night out I'm making him go on (delete as appropriate)

Øhe ignores my shouts of "BUT WE CAN'T GO HOME’ because *through clenched teeth* we’re in a hire car, we have to return it, to the industrial shed from whence it came, on the OTHER side of this motorway we CAN’T SEEM TO GET OFF.