THE SHAKESPEARE PRODUCTION. We're already men in tights. So we've got a good start on costumes. The cross-dressing and mistaken identity feels right, but let's add a blizzard and replace the ale with eggnog. Putting the "elf" in "Twelfth Night."

THE MEETING. Hi, I'm a turtle dove struggling to come out of her shell. I'm a catfish with no ears to scratch behind. I'm an elephant seal with a lousy memory. The Trans-Species Identity Support Group.

Confessions of a Congressional Cardiologist. If they're fat and mean, they didnt listen. Once they're voted in, I tell them the two rules to a healthy heart. Identity protection. Change up your fundraiser diet to prevent the hardening of your arteries. Change up your media diet to prevent the hardening of your options. The _ are running this country!

Confessions of a school picture photographer. You can't tell kids to "say cheese" anymore. They are so over it. Identity protection. You have to surprise them with "say fleas!" "Say knees"! "Say disease"! Avoid that last one if you want your contract renewed.

True story. It was rush hour, there was construction, and we had to merge with another lane. Identity protection. A black BMW refused to let us in -- What a pushy jerk! Then we sped past him. And saw it was our lawyer. Suddenly, it was okay We want that in a lawyer.

Confessions of a Home-Schooling Mom. It's rewarding, but some days I get maxed out. Identity protection. So yesterday afternoon I yelled "fire drill!" While my son stood outside, I drank coffee and checked Facebook.