Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas is updating itself to accommodate tech savvy travelers. Especially the ones looking for deals online to replace the airline tickets they lost at the poker tables.

McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas is updating itself to accommodate tech savvy travelers. As opposed to most other airports where the only technology needed is for people looking for alternate airlines to complete the flights they had on United Airlines that were all canceled.

Data says that Texas tops the nation in relocated refugees. Which is ironic that they go through all the trouble to wind up in the U.S. only to pick the one state that is most likely to secede and start another country.

Scientists are looking for genetic clues for longevity in bowhead whales that can live up to 200 years. The good news is that Americans have been mimicking whales for years. Just go to any beach and look at the sunbathers and whales and try to tell the two apart.

A report says that robots can learn tasks by watching Youtube videos. Which is great if you want a bunch of robots that can mimic cats playing the piano or hamsters eating a cracker.

A Washington Post report says that in ten years most jobs we have now won’t exist. Ironically, the job most likely to go first is the one held by the newspaper reporter who wrote the article.

A Washington Post report says that in ten years most jobs we have now won’t exist. To which most people are saying “Jobs?”

Texas congressman Louis Gohmert says he will challenge John Boehner for Speaker of the House. The only problem is that anyone who goes up against Boehner pales by comparison.

The owner of the St. Louis Rams is planning on building a new stadium near Los Angeles. People in L.A. were confused by the move. The Rams left L.A.?

A new “imaginary meal” pill reportedly makes people feel full while burning fat. Which is different than what most Americans have for an imaginary meal, which is thinking about what they would like to be eating after the snack between breakfast and lunch.

A new “imaginary meal” pill reportedly makes people feel full while burning fat. As opposed to the other imaginary meals of going into Beverly Hills and paying $75 for a sprig of parsley garnished with three grains of brown rice.

Sylvester Stallone says he will reprise his title role in a new “Rambo” movie. Although at age 68, Stallone has had to tame the character down. Now he stands out on his porch and yells at the mercenary soldiers to “Stay off my lawn!”

Sylvester Stallone says he will reprise his title role in a new “Rocky” movie. At age 68, Stallone has a new take on the character. His biggest weapon in the ring will be when he sits in the corner between rounds and gives his opponent a scowl.

An Aeromexico jet had to return to LAX when smoke was detected in the cabin. Which was the mistake of the crew for allowing passenger Snoop Dogg to visit the cockpit.

Senator Diane Feinstein is pushing for the end of “abusive interrogation.” Or as anyone who has been forced to sit through a Senate hearing is telling Feinstein, “You first!”

A new smart belt can reportedly help inform people of their wellness. Don’t we already have that technology? Like figuring out it might be time to go on a diet when the belt you currently use barely fits around your wrist.

The U.S. will start resuming importing beef from Ireland 15 years after the “mad cow disease” scare. It turns out the Irish cows were just drunk and can’t even remember what they were mad about in the first place.

Researchers say that adult women are the largest demographic in video gaming. Which means there is now real sibling rivalry between brothers and sisters to see which one gets to move in to their parents’ basement.

A new bicycle helmet can detect when a Volvo is getting too close. Apparently the helmet has technology that can tell when you are about to be run off the road by a soccer mom who is already fifteen minutes late getting to practice.

A new bicycle helmet can detect when a Volvo is getting too close. It also lets the rider know that unless they are making $250,000 a year and have a young family, they are probably in the wrong neighborhood.

A report says that United Airlines was the least profitable domestic air carrier in 2014, with only a 6% profit margin. Which isn’t all that bad considering that is also the percentage of flights they scheduled that weren’t actually canceled.

The OnStar computer feature in GM vehicles will soon be able to book hotel rooms. Mostly as a service to GM owners who need to find a place to stay when their car breaks down because of the latest recall.

A diversity report from Microsoft says that 82.9% of all tech jobs in the company are held by men. Which barely falls right into the acceptable gender guidelines when you are talking about an NFL team, Elk’s Club or men’s prison.

A diversity report from Microsoft says that 82.9% of all tech jobs in the company are held by men. Although the company says it is actually more diverse than the report would indicate. Up to 3% of the men don’t wear glasses or have facial hair.

Yale researchers agree with moms and say that putting on a sweater help fights colds. Although wearing a sweater that says “Yale” may help with colds but does nothing to prevent getting a wedgie while visiting another campus.

Standard & Poor’s says oil companies could lose $44 Billion in profits this year because of falling oil prices. Which gives everyone just one more reason to say “Yes!” when they fill up their tanks for under two bucks a gallon.

A new version of a common antibiotic will eliminate the risk of hearing loss. Until the pharmacist tells the patient how much the drugs cost and they say “What?”

A study says that eating whole grains may help people live longer. As opposed to most Americans’ diets which call for eating a whole pizza, whole box of donuts and whole gallon of ice cream.

More cities across the country are banning sledding because of liability issues. The good news is that it’s tough to get hurt sledding when global warming means a kid on a sled can go only about three feet before running into a patch of bare ground.

A study says that five days of rest after suffering a concussion may not help teenagers. Especially when the concussion came from their parents hitting them on the head with their video game console after not getting off the couch for five straight days.

A study says that fat cells under the skin may protect people against infections. Especially when they have so much fat that nothing can penetrate their skin to give them an infection in the first place.

A study says that binge drinking may weaken the immune system. Which may explain why the flu outbreak is affecting mostly states in the southern U.S.

A study says that binge drinking may weaken the immune system. The good news is that people who drink enough don’t even realize they are sick most the time because they think they are just still hung over.

A study says that kids with smartphones in their bedrooms sleep less. Mostly because they now have access to use their apps to order pizza and stay up half the night eating.

A study says that the idea of being “fat but fit” falls apart in the long term. Mostly because the fatter you get, the less you have anything that fits.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she “hit a wall” with Chris Martin before their “conscious uncoupling.” Although literally hitting a wall is about the only explanation that makes sense for coming up with a term like “conscious uncoupling.”

Gwyneth Paltrow says she “hit a wall” with Chris Martin before their “conscious uncoupling.” Which is perfectly understandable for anyone who has listened to more than about two minutes of Cold Play.

Kim Kardashian has revealed her favorite outfit of 2014. Which is more than likely her wedding dress since she keeps putting it back on every couple of years.

Kim Kardashian has revealed her favorite outfit of 2014. People were confused. Kim Kardashian wears clothes?

Kim Kardashian has revealed her favorite outfit of 2014. It’s no surprise which outfit is Lindsay Lohan’s favorite to wear since she keeps showing up wearing that same orange jump suit.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says officials made the right call in picking up a penalty flag during a playoff game between the Cowboys and Detroit Lions last week. It turns out it was just Chris Christie’s lobster bib that blew onto the field from the owner’s box.

Oregon says they won’t wear green or yellow in the National Championship game next week. Apparently they are saving that color combination for the next time they need camouflage to hide in a citrus grove.

Oregon says they won’t wear green or yellow in the National Championship game next week. That color combination hasn’t been seen since its last appearance on a leisure suit in the middle of a disco dance contest back in 1977.

Archaeologists in Jerusalem say them may have found the location of the trial of Jesus. The worst part is that even then there was a controversy about posting the Ten Commandments on a courthouse.

Swedish experts say they are able to explain why some people jerk the wheel when they overcorrect their steering in a car. Apparently it is mostly a result of just having so many jerks behind the wheel.

Data says that 77% of all online sales come from a desktop or laptop computer. While businesses have made it easier to shop with smartphones, they forgot that the younger people who use them don’t have any money to shop with.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he is going to read a book every other week for 2015. The three books that will take him all year to get through are his bank book, check book and accounting book.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he is going to read a book every other week for 2015. To which George W. Bush is saying "Showoff!"The forecasting power of the top U.S. weather supercomputers will be getting a tenfold boost this year. No one knew that there would be that much of a difference just by switching over to Windows 10.

The forecasting power of the top U.S. weather supercomputers will be getting a tenfold boost this year. For one thing, they are going to stop calling for a major typhoon to hit North Korea to give their hackers a reason to quit breaking in to their system.

Microsoft is making 2,400 MS-DOS games available for free on any Internet browser. Which means you can use Internet Explorer to get the sensation of playing video games that let you relive the ‘80s. Just like using Internet Explorer pretty much lets you relive the ‘90s.

A study says that drivers would spend up to $1,500 for tech features in their car. Mostly for gadgets that would call for help after they use their smartphone to text while driving and end up going head on into a tree.

A study says that drivers would spend up to $1,500 for tech features in their car. Like a feature that would alert them about the latest recall before it causes their car to breakdown on the freeway in rush hour.

A Connecticut brewery has apologized for marketing a beer named after Ghandi. Apparently the brew was named for Ghandi as a tribute to the person who sells you the six pack at a convenience store who has pretty much the same accent.

A report says that Verizon is considering a merger with AOL. Which is good news for stockholders because that can only mean Verizon has made so much money last year that they are desperate to find an unbelievably huge loss to write off.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A big arctic blast is headed across the U.S. It is either a sign that global warming is a complete bust, or that it is January. I’ll pick the latter. Usually when people are shivering uncontrollably and gnashing their teeth it is just a result of reading this blog. At least it is still free. The only fee is still a request to occasionally remember to send the love!