Funny Lawyers

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G_ManSenior Golfer

Posts : 437Join date : 2009-06-27Age : 41Location : Singapore. North

Subject: Funny Lawyers Mon Jul 13, 2009 5:43 pm

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word,taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

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And My Favorite

ATTORNEY TO FEMALE WITNESS: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No; I just lie there.

Last edited by G_Man on Mon Jul 13, 2009 7:57 pm; edited 1 time in total

sunnyGreens Committee Member

Posts : 3575Join date : 2009-06-17Age : 41

Subject: Re: Funny Lawyers Mon Jul 13, 2009 6:06 pm

i am sure technospaz has something to comment on that

_________________We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.

KhorkarIncredibly Active Golfer

Posts : 2978Join date : 2009-06-19Age : 42Location : Sinkapoh

Subject: Re: Funny Lawyers Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:02 pm

Ha ha

Kopi TowkayVery Active Golfer

Posts : 531Join date : 2009-06-22Location : One Degree North!

Subject: Re: Funny Lawyers Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:26 pm

William Shakespeare's Henry VI Scene 2 and the Eagles got it right at 1:16 of this clip.

Besides, it's a great song with a kick A** beat and appropriate lyrics for all thosewho bring frivolous lawsuits and the attorneys who represent them.

I'M A VICTIM!!!

Nothing against lawyers of course.

TechnospazAdvisor

Posts : 15650Join date : 2009-06-18Age : 41Location : Typically OOB

Subject: Re: Funny Lawyers Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:33 pm

LOL! Good ones.

So far, my fave joke about lawyers is simple (and I'm sure many of you have heard this before):

Q: Why won't sharks bite lawyers?A: Professional courtesy.

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