I tried, I swear I tried the hardest to get to you. I tried to figure out what would be the girl of your dreams like but no, I’m not gonna change. I’m still myself, maybe even more myself than never, I’ve got this point. And I’m proud – for me. You should be too.

I don’t know how much you know or how much you think you know about my feelings. Even when I had told you everything I ever felt, you never made it easier. You never showed me you really knew, what makes me feel like a stupid jerk who used all of her courage for nothing. Yeah, courage, I needed a lot of that.

But I’m writing because I give up. I tried before and maybe I won’t get that right now. But we are way too different. Things we talked about yesterday, things you said which I don’t believe in. Maybe that’s the point. I know it doesn’t work. Even if you believe a year is enough to forget someone who’s far… I know it isn’t. I’ve tried this before. Here’s the tip: it REALLY NEVER WORKS, just make it worse. Until you find another one or you get so sick of waiting for true love you give up everything about your heart and goes back to that cold person you were before. And I really wish I can go back for that.

Thanks for the memories. The memories that have been hurting me for over a year.

You make me cry, you make me insane, you make me different. But not anymore.

October 29, 2009

You know what? I’m on the point I just think you’re not sorry. I know everyone’s at the bones, but that doesn’t mean you can treat them the way you want to. If you’re stressed, no matter, but don’t be stressed coz other people are LIVING.

July 29, 2009

I gotta look like a SO problematic person. But I don’t mind, that’s none of ANYBODY’s business, then it’s still my own problems. If it matters to you, imagine it’s just another of those boring books about how to act. Or not, but the truth is things are getting a little outta place. Or am I losing myself? Don’t matter.

But I’m having a serious problem with my own personality. It’s calling me to act and fight for what I want, as I always did, but the person “me” is telling me not to do anything, just keep it on me and forget the rest. Ha, it seems easy but BELIEVE ME, it sucks when you’re fighting inside.

And just for you to know, YOU BOY, listen to me.

UNLESS FOR NOW, I’M STILL FIGHTING TO GET YOU. UNTIL I GET THAT TIRED TO ACT LIKE A FOOL (AS I’M DOING RIGHT NOW) AND GIVE UP, I’LL KEEP FIGHTING. MAYBE I’M A GOOD FRIEND, BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT HALF OF WHAT I WANNA BE.
—————-

July 25, 2009

This is how I’m feeling. There’s no meaning in anything, I just feel tired of living. Well, not my fault, though. What’s the point in being 18 (overage and enough-aged, I’d say) if I’m old enough to clean the whole house or do some other things and I’m too young to go out at night? I could laugh if it was a joke, but it’s my life – what makes it almost a joke. Ha, I’m so funny.

Come on, I’m old enough to do whatever I wanna do. If I can’t do what I want right, it’s MY problem, MY fault, nothing to do with them. But I have already showed them (I mean, my parents) that they can trust me (they don’t know what trust means, apparently), because they know I’m the one who HATES drugs the most. For drugs I mean also those fuckin’ cigarettes that people think are so charming. Die fast and leave me alone, then.

Okay, maybe the point is alcohol. YES, MAN, I like it. But it never meant I need to drink until get drunk, as I NEVER DID. Then, what’s the matter with ME? It’s not like I’m going out to have sex with everyone who passes in front of me, eighter. I wanna get out with MY FRIENDS, who my parents know very well, who always come to visit me, who I always go to visit, who I know for ten or five years, depending on who I’m talking about. They are a little better than me, by the way HAHA I’m the rebel one lol. They can control me, right? You guys know what the word friendship means to me, and it’s too strong for me to take it away.

Well, coming back way too late shouldn’t be a problem, too. If you want to take me there and get me back, no problem, but if THAT’S the matter, you guys should let me stay until 5 am there so I could wait a little more until 6 o’clock to get my bus and come home around 7 am. But it’s always difficult to solve some problem if somebody doesn’t want them to be solved.

July 24, 2009

Not that the whole world knows me or knows my blog, but you may have found out I was absent. Yeah, I really was, and that’s because my life kinda changed a little fast.

Some months ago, I told you about my grandma and how she was important to me. Well, guys, she died, and it was a month ago. I know she was old (just turned 81), but it was suddenly. I was not expecting she could go to the hospital, but when she did… I was expecting the worst. Not expecting, don’t get me wrong, but I knew. And then my whole world seemed not to seem anything. She was my light, my life, my example.

Anyway. She died one week before my tests for college – “vestibular” (Brazilian exams for college). I confess I’m not used to study that much, but that week I got some strenght inside of me that made me study a lot. I gave my all, I did the hardest… and I was so good, but I couldn’t get it. Not a big problem if it wasn’t a little… hm, unfair. I can’t do anything about it but accept, so… that’s it. Let’s keep studying for the end of the year. Wish me good luck.

By the way, thanks for the support, everytime. I don’t even know you, guys, but you are good friends (:

May 27, 2009

I had a bitter week. I mean, the last one. But this one NOTHING can make it bad. Anyway, I’m talk about bitterness.

Some years ago, I used to be so bitter. I was a cold person until something happen to change it.

I knew a guy at the Internet and we become friends. Nice friends. Close friends. Closer friends. The closest ones. And I kinda fell in love, but my “fall in love” was a lot different those days than it’s today – thanks to him.

I was 13. He fell in love and asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, but I wasn’t THAT into him. He used to do anything so it could work out – but I didn’t even try much. I was happy to say ‘I have a boyfriend!’, but I didn’t care much. But nothing is always a bed of roses, so he should have been tired of my indifference so he broke up. Then, I felt bad a lot. It changed myself.

I started to care more about people who I love. I started to be a lot worried if they were okay. I started to love that guy in a different way, a stronger way. I really loved him after losing him. We got together again, but it was never the same: I started to care and he didn’t anymore. So it wasn’t working out again and we broke up. Forever. But we’re still best friends.

And I changed a lot because of this special fact in my life. It changed who I was and now I’m a better person – but sometimes it hurts me because now I try to trust everybody, even when I have a great chance to fail.

But you know what? I LOVE who I am and who wants to love me needs to love exactly this person.

May 17, 2009

I always dreamed my life was going to be a fairytale. The first thing I learnt when I was 13: it will never happen. But I dreamed for so long and I still did this. Now, I’m 18 and I guess I lost a (big) part of my life dreaming way too much.

Well, now I’m old enough to say I want to stop it. I’m sick of it, I’m done. I want to live life and let myself know new things and new people. I’m open to my own life, as I wasn’t before.

May 8, 2009

I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this all. I may be sounded like riot now, but I don’t care. I just need to have the guts to say all I’m thinking and specially all I’m feeling.

Why all the things are happening at the same time to me? It feels like wasn’t way too much the vestibular exams in the end (and in the middle) of the year and also my family acting like a crap – day by day, worst. It feels like wasn’t way too much I had been caught and I’d been feeling what I’m feeling, because it doesn’t matter. I think I could stand it, I really could – with a little help from my friends, which I’ve been getting more and more, which is making me stronger and able to still living. But then comes my grandma and her fucking diabetes.Grandma has already lost one of her toes and she’s going to lose another – I know it. I studied it. I’m watching it happen. Fortunately, she won’t have to lose her whole foot – I hope not too soon, anyway. She’s 81 and, since she was born, the doctors told her mom she wasn’t going to survive so long. But she is. She watched her husband, my granpa, die, and she watched my grandparents, my dad’s parents, die – even when they were younger than her and she always asked them to take care of me and my brother. I know she’s strong, but I’m afraid I’ll soon lose her. I’m sure someday I’ll do and it came to me as soon as I could try to get my reason back.

I’m scared. I’m scared of losing the only person who is beside me all the time. I’m afraid of losing the woman I most love in this annoying and non-sense life. I’m scared of giving all up without her support and I hope you all, please, don’t let me do it. I’ll do whatever I dreamed and whatever I want – cheers to her.

I love you, old and wonderful woman. I love you, best friend. I love you, grandma.