Visit with difficult child

I visited difficult child today. He seems to be doing so much better than I expected. It made me feel a lot better. He says he is hearing from staff that his stay in state Department of Juvenile Justice won't be that long- less than a year- so he says he can do it ok. I don't know if they are right or not, but that would be a lot different than the 3 years that the guidelines indicate as a possibility. He said his attny told him that it could be up to 18 mos. Really, we won't know for another few weeks.

Now- difficult child told me what happened before court on Monday. He said the GAL came and talked to him just a couple of mins first. She asked if he wanted to go live with my bro and he told her no. She told him that there were only a couple of options and they were living with my bro or commitment to Department of Juvenile Justice and that it was "his mother's fault". She told him it was because I was never cooperative with mst services or the second inhome services put in place. (Never mind that we had this latest crisis before we ever even met the 2nd inhome therapist and I'm sitting here next to the form we were given by PO earlier the day difficult child was arrested and it is signed by both me and difficult child and dated for that day.) She told him Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was out of the question because of this. Never mind that PO had told me Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was out of the question before Jan- which is why I put the letter into the judge. But what gets me the most about this- besides the gal clearly starting to show what she really is advocating for- is that this is a kid just released from psychiatric hospital and supposedly, these people were so focused on his diagnosis of "child-parent relationship problems" instead of his mood diagnosis and recommendation for a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) level of care, and she's over there before court for 2 mins to tell difficult child this, and ask if he wants to live with my bro and telling him the only other option is Department of Juvenile Justice and it's his mother's fault. And who's instigating conflict? Me? The attny's justified asking the judge to do a psychiatric evaluation on me by stating the child-parent problems listed. And then gal does this? I have said all along that I think it's the blaming me instead of focusing on appropriate mental health care that has caused issues between difficult child and contributed to our individual deterioration of things.

This undermining carp is exactly what PO does. My bet is that the GAL was banking on addressing this with the judge MONDAY- but it didn't happen. The court order I broke was not processed yet and the judge did look at the gal after the gal kept going off about that and saying it was me being the problem and the judge told the gal that she was not turning difficult child over to go to my bro and that this (being my issues and breaking court order) had nothing to do with this (being difficult child's sentencing). Nnot to mention, the gal and judge know about the family stuff I testified to and that difficult child does NOT know about it. Since when should it be his decision to live with my bro under circumstances like that? When the judge ended up asking me what I was doing to protect difficult child from my family- including my bro?

I asked difficult child what he thought and he said that he knew what had happened and not happened with mst and inhome services had not even started. He just shoook his head and said the gal hated me but not to worry- he knew how she was- that she was 2-faced and it's not the first time she's done stuff like this.

Then, he said his defense attny came in and talked to him a little longer. He said his defense attny told him that I might not be a perfect mom, but that I loved him very much and had really tried to help him.

I'm really glad I broke that court order now. Otherwise, I would have no opportunity to have half a chance of answering to these accusations and bringing to court's attention that my son said this was said to him. I hate those people. How can they expect me not to? AAnd the baiting they do- c'mon- when the mst guy called and said I was just to go take one written test and I would get a diagnosis, treatment plan, and medications that would be ordered by judge and that there would be no interview of psychiatric on me because he'd already given my info to the psychiatric, but if I didn't do this, I would be facing the judge. I think they are intentionally trying to instigate problems at this point. Call me paranoid if you want. I think these people are sick and have completely lost their objectivity. Anything I advocated for or questioned was only because what they were saying was not what the mental health profs in difficult child's life were saying/recommending.

And while I was waiting to go in for visitation, I was chattiing with a lady who informs me that her son is getting released within a week from detention to GO TO Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that they are odering/paying for. I asked who the gal, PO and judge were. All different from difficult child's. The judge was the one who difficult child had for his arraignment- the one married to his favorite teacher and who ordered difficult child's mental health evaluation that got him tdo'd from detention. I told her how I'd tried so hard to get this but that difficult child had been arrested again because we were having one crisis after another and this latest incident happened before they could even get an in home therapist out there. She said her son had been arrested again too, but those people really advocated for him, so he was being allowed to go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) instead of sentenced to do time.

Ok, I'd sit here and feel like I really blew it if things had been going well until I did something to make them go awry, causing all this conflict and lack of support. But I swear to you, the GAL and PO always acted like they blamed me. The gal was involved months before the PO was even assigned, so maybe the PO's attitude came from the GAL telling her something, I don't know. But I know it has spread like crazy amongst these people. I thought it got cleared up after all that questioning the gal gave me last year when I was testifying, but it did not. And I don't think it ever will. And it's not like the GAL really looks into anything then she came across something bad about me. Maybe she's really the one that doesn't believe difficult child's mental health issues and after my bro talked to her, she can't let go of the idea that difficult child should be with him.

The only thing I can think of is CASA. They're volunteers and they get case assignments. They typically deal with-foster care, though. I know their recommendations often run counter to soc. wkrs' opinions, and the judges tend to listen more to the CASA workers.
You could try Googling it, for VA.
I can't think of anything specific to your case, though.

We don't qualify for CASA. Apparently there is a big shortage of people in CASA here and they are working only with abused and neeglected kids.

I meant more like someone tracking how casees turn out and what methods were used- even just for statistics but more than just the number who went back into incarceration from probation. I just would not want to see this ever happen again to another difficult child/family. I think it was completely uncalled for.

I started raising flags with the PO in November. She knew difficult child was tdo'd for self-harming in Dec. She knew I was calling all over the state trying to get more help and when I learnedd that anything had to come thru her, I askeed her if she could do something. She told me she wasn't going to do anything- if she had thought it was needed, she would have already done it. When difficult child was in psychiatric hospital in Jan they tried to contact her, she never responded. I wrote the letter to the judge, then the county let me set up a county meeting but the PO was there and apparentl;y already had everything set her way. She ordered inhome, even though I had put in my letter to judge and told the county people that our problems went way beyond that need at that point- difficult child had been in acute psychiatric hospital twice in less than a month. PO said she didn't ccare. Her super said he didn't care. I know I was on the board here complaining about it, but I never refused it to PO. I just told her and her super that I didn't think we would make it time-wise. She had an initial introducotry meeting set up for 3 weeks later. I had called the place she ordered services from and the therapist was supposed to call me back but never did. Less than a week later this happened and she's trying to claim that I was eeither uncooperative or refused those services. I don't know if anyone has looked at dates to see that it was impossible because we never even made it to the date she had set. And of course, if I hadn't been raising those red flags and something had happened, she would have blamed me for not keeping her informed.

I knew she thought everything was my fault- I went through a long period of time trying to be as nice as I could, showing how willing I was to try to do EVERY little thing her way, etc. But you know, if someone doesn't trust you or has it in their head that you are a certain way, no amount of jumping through hoops will change their mind. I honestly do not know what I could have done differently- or what I could do now to get this gal to trust me. Taking that personality test woiuld not have done it. Whatever might have shown up would have just lead gal to say "see- that is the problem", whether or not it had anything to do with difficult child. I tried to have a sit-down discussion with her about what was in difficult child's best interst 2-3 weeks ago (per difficult child's defense attny's suggestion) and she never responded to my request.

Getting a different set of people involved, if that's even possible, is the only way I see to prevent going back to the same situation when difficult child gets out of state custody. They have already ddropped hints to me and difficult child that when he gets out, if I'm not willing to jump through their hoops, difficult child will be turned over to dss. Again, "their hoops" are based on them believing this is all my fault and they want to dictate everything in our lives and keep me under a microscope or else they can't feel comfortable with difficult child being at home. Well, to me, that won't make them any more comfortable because the real problem is that they refuse to see this as anything other than my fault. I say that because this entire subject was also thoroughly discussed a year ago during my testimony, I did everything that PO said and that was ordered and still, when difficult child became unstable, I am the one that is blamed. And, beleiving that kept PO from taking any action when I was basicly begging for help before things got to this point. Believeing that has kept gal from advocating for psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for difficult child, which was recommended by his psychiatrist. Believing that has the PO and gal telling difficult child that his illegal activity, pulling a knife out on me, and resullting punishment is his mom's fault, in so many words.

The only thing I can think of is to offer to do a THOROUGH assessment, not just one written personality test, but one that includes an oral interview and with someone who we both (the system and me) are comfortable with (not someone that they've already convinced that I'm the problem) and with someone who reviews difficult child's history and our interaction to determine what I might be doing or not doing that's contributing to the problem. I discussed this with the last psychiatrist and he said they did not do that there but it could be done (the interaction part) through family therapy. I was going to address this when the issue of me breaking the court order came up. Can anyone think of anything else I can do that really addresses the root of the problem? I had already offered to take a urine test for drugs at any time if they thought that was the problem. They can check and see I have NO arrest record and there have never been any concerns of abuse or neglect reported or expressed by any professionals involved.

Another thing I'm a little concerned about- difficult child said that the person who evaluation'd him Monday to see if he should go back to psychiatric hospital for a while told him that the only reason she tdo'd him before was because I said he needed medication changes. That isn't true. Then she told him that if they could help him at psychiatric hospital, they would have already done it so he wasn't going back. She told him if he cut himself or wanted to commit suicide, he'd get locked in his room by himself. Obviously, they are going to try the all behavior mod approach here. I haven't made issue yet, but what if they are wrong about it? If difficult child feels suicidal, who will he tell now? What if they just find him dead one day? If I'm just being over-protective, why did psychiatrist say that state Department of Juvenile Justice would be detrimental to difficult child? The mental health person told me that difficult child did not need to go back to psychiatric hospital and that they were working with him to help him on coping skills.

No matter how things are handled, I still have a problem sending a message to difficult child that my issues justified him pulling a knife out on me. I wasn't abusing him and we weren't argueing or even in the same rooom when he walked into the room where I was a pulled the knife out and demanded cigs. I don't have the backing of uniformed staff at home. And don't think for a second that difficult child doesn't know that people in the system blame me instead of him no matter what he does. It hoovers being in a position where unless something major changes while he's in their custody, he will either coome home still knowing that or will be turned over to dss/my bro. This is why I'm trying to figure out if there is something I can do while he's in there to prevent a worse situation upon his release.

I know you're still searching for answers to "why," but honestly, I think that focusing so much of your thoughts and energy on that may be counter-productive.. and isn't going to change anything at this point. I worry that it will keep you from moving forward and taking care of yourself.

All I can suggest is that once the dust settles, you get involved with some of the child advocacy groups and put your energy towards making sure this kind of thing doesn't happen to other families. I doubt the system is set up to track individual cases and kids and outcomes, and with increasing budget cuts and staff shortages, it isn't likely to get better.. but getting involved in organizaitons that can encourage change, might be a great way to refocus your energy, and learn more about the system along the way.

I agree with crazy here. This part of your life and your difficult child's life is over and done with. YOU can't change anything now and I wonder how much it really served you in the end? I think it really made you appear adversary instead of participatory and THAT may be why you have gotten the grief you have. I am not trying to be hurtful here, I'm just trying to let you know what a different pair of eyes may see.

I will also be very frank here and tell you that I do believe your difficult child had a lot more control over his actions than maybe you thought. I think he manipulated more than one situation and just kept upping the ante to keep you at bay. We don't like to think that way about our children, but I do know differently now. When I was going thru all of the turmoil, I just couldn't figure out why ANYONE would want the grief they got, yet kept doing those exact same things over and over, getting more and more out of control. I know now. It's because they can AND they want what they want and will do what they need to to get it. There are just some folks like this, my difficult child included.

I haven't been in your exact position, but I did experience a situation with my difficult child that was just as horrifying to me as yours is to you right now. K, you're going in circles over and over and over again, trying to process what just happened to your son and yourself. It will not happen. You can't make sense of some of the things that happen to us and our difficult child's. You need peace, because you are making yourself crazy. There really aren't always the answers to things that happen to us. Things are not always right and many times, they don't make sense. Also, things could be happening for the right reasons to and for our difficult child's and our mothers hearts just can't bear to see that happen. You do know that right? Your pain and your anxiety are so heightened right now. Have you considered asking your psychiatrist for medications to get you thru this time? You do deserve peace. A clear head and a clear heart.

One of the most difficult things for me to learn in the journey of having a difficult child child is that 1. it never goes away. There is no rest for the weary. 2. It is not a healthy way to live. 3. Sometimes our difficult child's actually enjoy the chaos and attention they get and do more "stuff" to keep that pot stirred up. and 4. The most important thing I had to learn, was that *I* could not control or change everything, nor should I. I had to learn that sometimes, it is what it is. I have learned that who I was/am as a mother sadly didn't influence my difficult child like I had hoped and wanted. I also learned to use the phrase "there you go" when trying to make sense of my difficult child's actions, because it doesn't make sense. And that phrase allows me to leave it alone, and let my difficult child OWN her own actions. And lastly, 5. I learned that my difficult child's thoughts and behaviors do NOT define who or what I am as a parent or as a person.

I hope you are able to take something from what I've written. Give yourself a "get out of jail free card" and start living your life in a productive way. Free yourself from the turmoil that you are hanging on to. Get your home in order, go back to work, get caught up in the normalcy of life again.

Ok- but shouldn't people have been supporting my efforts to hold difficult child accountable instead of undermining them by telling him that I was just being over-protective- that it's all my fault? Wouldn't they have been supporting decisions like me confiscating his phone intead of telling me in front of him that I should give it back? I'll not post about this stuff anymore- I know people are tired of hearing it and maybe I can't do anything other than wait for this to come back up whenever difficult child is near his release date. It probably will never get resolved in a better way because no one seems willing to pull back the next layer and talk about specific decisions.

I meant to add, that while you should get your own life in order and moving in a productive fashion, that in no way implies that you should not care for and love your son. Exactly the opposite. He will always be your son and you will always love him!

Ok- but shouldn't people have been supporting my efforts to hold difficult child accountable instead of undermining them by telling him that I was just being over-protective- that it's all my fault? Wouldn't they have been supporting decisions like me confiscating his phone intead of telling me in front of him that I should give it back? I'll not post about this stuff anymore- I know people are tired of hearing it and maybe I can't do anything other than wait for this to come back up whenever difficult child is near his release date. It probably will never get resolved in a better way because no one seems willing to pull back the next layer and talk about specific decisions.

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Klmno, I think you're taking some of these comments backwards. No one's saying these people did right by you. Everyone's saying, "Stupid #$#@#@ bureaucrats.......well, you absolutely tried your best. Now go take care of yourself, and trust that your difficult child loves you, and it'll all work out as it's going to---'cause there doesn't seem to be any more actions for you to take. Serenity to accept, etc." Hehe...it's not that you're wrong. You're right.

Thank you. I probably wasn't clear anyway. I was trying to say that if they think it's my fault for not holding difficult child accountable or being strict enough, they certainly were not and are not saying things to me or him or doing things to give that impression. It sure looks to me that any time I tried to hold him accountable and keep him in line, they sent the message that I was being too strict. Actually, the PO even said that once. And difficult child knew it and yes, I think he used that to the hilt. In a way, the judge ruled in my favor by holding him accountable for the knife incident, in spite of the fact that the gal was standing there telliing the judge that "this was the problem" as she is standing there pointing her finger at me and in spite of the fact that she had told difficult child earlier that it was my fault he's going to state Department of Juvenile Justice. At least difficult child told me last night not to worry- that he knew. Maybe it's just too hard for people in cyber space to see this- the GAL and PO are portraying this like I am doing or have done something to cause and justify difficult child committing all his illegal activity- like when a person abuses a child. They have this in their head. If difficult child was never going to be released, which I hope is not the case, it would not matter. It matters to me because I don't want the same situation or worse when he is released. But, some of this will go one way or another in time and the longer difficult child is out of the home.

As far as me re-grouping and trying to look forward- I think I am. Maybe I'm just not as quick about it as others. I'm continuing with my therapist, at least for the time being. I'll have to switch or stop when I go back to work full time. I went in to talk with my boss yesterday. Still, they can't take me back full time right now and I have meetings and some catching up and emotional regrouping, so I'm not quite ready for full time yet anyway. We agreed that I'll start Monday with a few hours a day. I told him I might ened up moving away and looking for full time employment out of this area. He is in agreement to give things a few weeks this way until I find out where difficult child is going and for how long and for the office to see how the work load goes to see if maybe they'll need me full time after a few more weeks. This also gives me a chance to catch up on the dogs' care, the house, I have an issue with the school we need to meet about, etc. I'll have a court date for my "show cause" about breaking the court order- actually two- an arraignment and a trial. When difficult child is going thru processing, I'll have to go in and talk to them about his social history and stuff, I was told. So, I can't commit to full time hours right now anyway. But yes, there still is some emotional processing that I have to go thru. Maybe others don't have that need- I do.

Ok- but shouldn't people have been supporting my efforts to hold difficult child accountable instead of undermining them by telling him that I was just being over-protective- that it's all my fault? Wouldn't they have been supporting decisions like me confiscating his phone intead of telling me in front of him that I should give it back? I wasn't there for each situation, so I can't tell you what anyone should or should not have done. You know what? I thought I was one tough mother, stayed up on what my difficult child was doing and I consequenced her, made her do her school work, etc. You know what I later was able to see? I ALSO ENABLED HER BAD BEHAVIOR! I talked and talked and talked trying to reason with this child. It can't be done. I kept her grounded because she couldn't be trusted on her own. People here told me to let her experience natural consequences for her actions. Now, listen to this very carefully!!!! You may see a bit of yourself in here. *I* was so controlling of her (read overprotective) that I could not allow her to fail or screw up and earn the consequences on her own so that SHE could associate herself with the behavior and the punishment or consequence.Not something that I made her either do or not do. Also, my difficult child did a lot of things because I held on to her so tight. You know these for lack of a better word, confessions from me are painful and it tells me and the whole world that I was a part of her problems and failures during her childhood. I can now tell myself that I am human, I made mistakes, but now I see and I have changed my ways.

I'll not post about this stuff anymore- I know people are tired of hearing it and maybe I can't do anything other than wait for this to come back up whenever difficult child is near his release date. It probably will never get resolved in a better way because no one seems willing to pull back the next layer and talk about specific decisions.

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No one is asking you not to post. We are asking you to peek your head outside the place you've been and see if you can relate to anything someone else has said. K, as much as you want for this to get resolved, it won't. YOU cannot control your son or anyone else. You are going to have to come to a place of acceptance. I think that is the best it gets, and I do think it is something that will come over time, a little at a time. None what happened is all your fault, all the PO's, GAL, the judge, the schools, or difficult child's fault. It took everyone to make that happen. It's not a blame game. Even if all those layers were pulled back and everything was talked about and no blame was laid your way, I am fairly sure that your difficult child would be in the same place he is now. That is not a reflection of you. It just is. That is the hardest thing to accept. I too wish you had someone there with you that could give you objective support. I know this is hard!

I think what we're saying is, at this point, it doesn't matter what they thought or what they should have done, or why they did what they did, or what you should have or could have done or why you did what you did. It is done. You will make yourself crazy by analyzing it to death .. believe me, I know, been there done that. The best way to look at this point is forward, not backward.

*I* was so controlling of her (read overprotective) that I could not allow her to fail or screw up and earn the consequences on her own so that SHE could associate herself with the behavior and the punishment or consequence.

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Ok- this one, I have thought about and wonder if this was going on. It may be because I was trying to prevent ANYTHING "bad". The PO was threatening to hold me accountable if it did and telling me away from difficult child that I was to keep him supervised 24/7. He was on a suspended sentence for commitment to state. So, it seems, at least right now, that I felt this was inevitable but I was trying to prolong it as long as possible. Then, I still don't get why the courtroom concentration wasn't on holding difficult child accountable instead of me being the cause of the problem. It will always bother me- and I do worry that others working with difficult child while he's in there will just try to convince him more that he''s in there because of me instead of helping him taking responsibility and learn better ways. I don't want him being in and out of prison all his life, convinced that he never stood a chance in life because he had a single mom that didn't do something or whatever.

And let's not forget- if my son had gone out and started another fire, it would not have been the people telling me to let him go out to have to pay the restitution and take responsibility. It's not them that feels the shame and guilt about why I ever let him go. It's not them that loses the pay from work to deal with all this.

Crazy, that would be true IF difficult child was not going to be coming out on parole, which the judge also ordered. His defense attny (and I verified this on Department of Juvenile Justice's website) told me that this means about 30-90 days before difficult child's release, the parole officer gets involved and so do these same attny's, gal, and judge. Someone meets with me to set up in home stuff and determine if difficult child comes home, a group home, or gets turned over to dss/my bro. If this doesn't get resolved somehow before then, it is the same or worse situation. The parole officer also works in court services unit, with the PO. The PO keeps up with things until it's turned over to the parole office. It's a different person, but same hallway and building and system. We don't know for sure yet, but according to what a staff person told difficult child, his sentence might be as short as 3-6 months. Venting here and going over all this is a cheap and painless way for me to sort thru some of this so I can articulate it better (hopefully) when I do meet with this other opeople, which is required, and it's the best hope there is that I might run across one who can be a little objective.

Still- when I think back on it- if difficult child did something unacceptable and told the PO, the PO immediately looked at me and wanted to know whateever- it was clear- I swear- even to difficult child- that she was not holding him accountable- she was trying to make me the cause of it- no matter what it was.

Also, there were mental health profs involved and their advice was not always consistent with the PO's. When it wasn't, I followed the profs. This of course tic'd PO off beyond belief.

The best thing about this situation- the state is responsible now for finding a balance between mental health care and legal consequences and no matter what works or doesn't work, they have to deal with difficult child about it- I am not there to blame for it and take focus off of what has happened and what difficult child needs. If that works- I don't know. The local detention center tdo'd difficult child to the state psychiatric hospital, which I had nothig to do with. Still, the local detention doesn't even care what that psychiatrist said or recommended. It might just be that there is no way to ever get the 2 systems on the same page.

It seems that if they were just worried that I wasn't holding difficult child accountable enough, they would have just said that- instead of being in court saying the problem was that I wasn't dealing with my own issues. The gal either can't get past that a teen rape victim doesn't necessarily need intensive therapy for the rest of their life or she thinks I have other issues but won't say what they are.

I'm glad you got a chance to visit with your son. I'm sure he considered your visit the most important part of his day!! He sounds like despite it being a bad situation he's telling you he's able to deal with it. That's a very mature statement to make and one that would leave me happy to be his Mom - he's trying not to worry you. I'm proud of him and I hope you get more opportunities to spend time with him laughing and hugging and sharing. Its' not perfect - but it's something.

Thank you, Star. I know you and Dude are dealing with more things that don't make sense. It's jjust a shame sometimes. There are adults who do worse than our kids and get out of the system quicker than our kids.

Ok- this one, I have thought about and wonder if this was going on. It may be because I was trying to prevent ANYTHING "bad". The PO was threatening to hold me accountable if it did and telling me away from difficult child that I was to keep him supervised 24/7. He was on a suspended sentence for commitment to state. So, it seems, at least right now, that I felt this was inevitable but I was trying to prolong it as long as possible.

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We do get mixed messages that we don't know what to do with. At the time, I thought in my "controlling" that I too was being a good parent and anything less than what I was doing, wouldn't be good enough and if my difficult child got into trouble then, I wasn't being a good parent!

[/QUOTE]Then, I still don't get why the courtroom concentration wasn't on holding difficult child accountable instead of me being the cause of the problem. It will always bother me- and I do worry that others working with difficult child while he's in there will just try to convince him more that he''s in there because of me instead of helping him taking responsibility and learn better ways. I don't want him being in and out of prison all his life, convinced that he never stood a chance in life because he had a single mom that didn't do something or whatever.[/QUOTE]

I have no idea if this is accurate or not and remember I am not trying to be hurtful, only helpful. I was not as weary / leery of the system as you are when we had trouble with our difficult child, so that may have made a difference for us. No one ever said to my face that we were the reason for our difficult child's behavior. That I know of, no one ever said that to our difficult child. If they had, I'm sure she would have loved to share that with us. While I did and do believe that my difficult child has mental health issue's, I never let it excuse her behavior and
never let her use it as an excuse or explanation for her bad choices. We still required her to rise to the same standards that everyone else had, no excuses. She was very able and capable, but she was also very lazy and defiant too. If I wanted or needed or insisted that she do something and she didn't want to, there was a price that was paid for me following thru. It was either threats, yelling, and for a period of time she did act out physically against me and of course passive aggressive acts were a constant. She would manipulate and lie to us and to others to get her way. She didn't care what the fallout would be for us or herself really.

This was my oldest daughter, our adopted daughter, our very much wanted child, the child that made us a family, the child that I had to prove that I was a good parent to because she was adopted. Do you see the expectations that I put on myself and her? I never let her fail because of the reasons above. This was part of the enabling that I did. It was wrong and crazy making. I can be honest now, because I have been able to step back and take a look at my life. I couldn't do this while I was in the thick of things. This isn't to say that I wasn't also a a very good, loving mother too, because I was. I reacted using my emotions much more than my head in difficult times and I now know that's not the best choice either.

I'm telling you these snippets of my life and my truths, in hope that you may find some understanding in your life. I really don't think anyone is out to say what a horrible parent you are, or how you screwed up your son, but in some ways, we do all contribute to their situation. That doesn't mean you are a failure or a bad parent or totally responsible for the situation. Now you have the opportunity to analyze yourself, put it in it's place, make the changes you NEED to make and move forward. It is a process, but one you'll be better for in the end!

Thank you. I will keep your words in mind and hope everyone understands- I am not sitting here without feeling some regrets and wanting to figure out what to do to make sure this doesn't happen in the future. difficult child just beamed last night when he told me he would do his time, then come home, even if I had moved.

But, it does make a difference when people are pointing the finger at you saying that his issues are your fault and when you are the one that can follow all these people's advice and will still be held financially, legally, and morally responsible. When he set the brush fire, he got probation. I got a custody case, dss involvement, $4000 restitution, loss of full-time employment resulting in loss of salary, benifits- paid vacation, sick time, and medical insurance for both difficult child and me- and Blame- for what? For letting difficult child go out and play on one of the first pretty Sunday afternoons of spring, after doubling prozac. Trust me on this one- it's more than just wanting to be a proud mother. And the "punishment" I got for his actions defininetly caused parent-child problems. For whatever reason they focused on me, I know other parents in the area whose kids have been drug addicts or stolen cars repetitively, or whatever, and the people in the system never blamed the parents.

I think there is a good possibility that they don't want to hold difficult child accountable because they know there are mental health issues involved so they automatically blame me, not seeing that maybe no one is to blame. And, I have thought of that private attny I consulted about possibly hiring to be difficult child's defense attny. He said that the only way to defend difficult child on this one was to be in a position of being against me, in so many words.