“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

Like Suja Jones in the previous post, this email writer also says she can understand why Indian women are driven to take their own lives. Do we have clear laws against forced marriages? What are the options open to young Indian women who are being forcibly ‘married off’, while they are still dependent on their parents?

This email was in sms lingo, I have translated most of it, made no other changes.

Subject: Is my fate sealed too?? I dnt want it to be… Help me

Dear kalpana chawla… I have always imagined you in the stars and spoken to you when ever I was in distress. I made you my role model long long back. I also promised you that i would fulfill every dream of mine like you did. When ever there was a talk at home “You are a girl dont do this don’t do that ( girls are tagged khandan ki izzat rite???) ” I remembered your story where you convinced your parents and went all the way to america to achieve your goals. I thought even mine would understand my goals and I would have my life as mine completely..

Bt it all turns out to be wrong. I have just completed my studies and not even started a job in which I wish to excel and there is the famous “Marriage Talk”. When I said that I don’t want to marry and, I want to achieve something in life, today there are people coming to see me and that’s done without my knowledge. If they ask me I will say no so they are saying just a few relatives are coming. But I’m not a fool I know what it is all.

I have decided that I won’t marry. I understand y girls commit suicide or run away from homes now.. I can’t waste my life for people who don’t even care about my dreams. Don’t want to run away and create an impression on my relatives that studies spoil a girl. Only thing i can thing I can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with burnt face… Cant think of any other alternative.

IHM I felt the bloggers in your site understand what it is to be a girl and dream big too. Some one has to stop these old methods if the level of women must improve. I will fulfill my dreams but i don’t know how to get Rid of this marriage talk. My male friends are sure that my fate is sealed lik any other girl’s and I will never achieve anything. My female friends can’t think beyond marriage and having kids and settling down. Your blogs give me relief and i feel there r ppl who think lik me. Plz help me on tis. I need suggestions. We need to change ourselves to b d change in world. I hav decided to change. Help me out.

Jodhpur : A 20-year-old girl has sought protection by the Rajasthan authorities from members of a village community council who, she says, are threatening her with serious consequences if she did not accept her childhood marriage, officials said on Monday.

London : Forcing someone to marry against their will; a practice often reported from communities in Britain with origins in the Indian sub-continent, will soon become a criminal offence, Premier David Cameron announced on Friday, comparing it with “slavery”…. Most cases involve individuals with origins in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh.

That’s a bit extreme! The worst I thought was dying my hair white and knocking off a couple of teeth, and that, when I was old enough, earning and helping my parents. That said, there is no point in discussion with parents who think this way. My friend did not even complete her studies but she left home, got a job in a call centre and survived with the help of some friends. You have completed your education. You can do much better. Leave home as your first priority. Otherwise, the stress of fighting a forced marriage itself might make you incapable of doing anything else in your life.

Good grief. Burning one’s own face is a bit too extreme. Have you thought about getting a few tattoos in visible areas? You can choose designs that have some meaning to you, and I can imagine that most traditional Indian families would balk and run away.

On a serious note though, you have to save yourself before you can help anyone else. If you do decide to leave your house (you’re not a minor anymore so it’s not called ‘running away’) and get a job, you can show other women in your family that you can be independent and do not have to follow the beaten path. Even if your relatives blame that on education, you can help your younger female relatives financially (and morally) if they want to follow your footsteps.

Hi LW,
(Here I assume the LW has friends who can help)
Do they even let you get out of the house, now that you’ve finished education? If yes, look for a job, talk to friends about getting you help in living on your own. Don’t think about making an impression on your relatives. Right now your life is on the line, try to save it first. Keep saying no to marriage until you want to get married. See the boy, if they insist. But firmly say no. If required, talk to the boy and tell him that you don’t want marriage. DONOT take measures like burning yourself. You deserve better than that. So best thing is to talk to helpful people and get out of there. When you achieve something and become successful, people, even if they won’t understand, will accept your life as it is. So concentrate on building your life as you have thought, not how to avoid getting in the middle of what others have thought about you.
I believe you are a major. Nobody, not even your own parents can force you into a marriage, so you can find help in law. Talk to lawyers or people who can help you in this regard if it goes to extreme.
But the most important thing, of all, is to believe in yourself, your dreams, your goals and your life. It will hurt and you will be made to hear harsh things. Go through it, tough it out.
(If LW no friends who can help, she must contact women’s groups)
All the best.

Dont even think of hurting yourself in any manner, nor even harbor any ill intention towards your parents, not even an iota of ill intention. Your parents are doing what is right in their point of view. They dont want any ill of you. If you do not agree, stick to your stand and do not agree to marry. Talk to your gand-parents, siblings whoever can help. Talk to your parents as well. May be leave the house. Marriage decisions should not be taken into haste. There will come a time when you will know.

Secondly when you are marrying, you also have a responsibility towards your husband. No man wants a girl as a wife who is just coming because of parental pressures. If you just say yes to the pressure and are not committed to marriage, the marriage will not be successful. And then you will sometime blame yourself why you consented or you will blame your parents for the pressure.

Remember at the end of the day, the responsibility of making a right decision lies with you. If you say yes to the marriage under pressure, than you have to be fully committed to it and work on it just the way you would have worked on it when you would have the decision on you own. Or simply do not marry, come whatsoever, until the point you want to which may be when you are 25 yrs old, 30 yrs old or 35. A marriage, arranged or love, works only when every party is consenting and working on it.

Remember if you marry to make your parents happy and the marriage does not work out, your parents will end up even more unhappy. No parents want to see their children unhappy. You will also end up more unhappy. So again

a) if you say yes due to pressure, then you have to work on the marriage and be 100% committed to it. That is your moral responsibility. You do not have any right to screw up a man’s life. Your husband is going to marry you under the assumption that you are willing.

b) else you have to put your foot down and say no. But in any case, even in your distant dreams, do not consider hurting yourself. That is the ultimate cowardice. These thoughts occur usually in the 20s due to lack of maturity, logical thinking etc. When you will grow older, you will thank yourself that you did not take any improper action.

Hemant, even though most of your advice seems appropriate, there are a few things that didn’t sit right with me.

1. “nor even harbor any ill intention towards your parents, not even an iota of ill intention. Your parents are doing what is right in their point of view. They dont want any ill of you” – Really?? Even after she has expressed clearly that she does not want to marry, they are bringing grooms to see her without informing her about it. How demented and disturbing is this? She would be justified in harboring every ill-intention towards her parents. They are trying to get her forcefully married off and ruin her life…So what if they are doing what is right in their point of view? Their point of view is irrelevant here. Only her point of view matters. Their so-called good intentions do not matter. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
2. “Your husband is going to marry you under the assumption that you are willing.” – That’s kind of a big assumption to go blind into a marriage, don’t you think? Surely the groom, whoever he is, will ask her whether she is willing to marry him. Yes, it is her responsibility to make sure she doesn’t get pressurized into marrying someone. Isn’t it also the groom’s responsibility to check with her whether she wants to marry him before proceeding with the wedding?

1. Yes, the parents pov does not matter. only hers matters. what I only said that do not harbor any ill intention. She would be justified but this does not serve any purpose. when one is caught up in anger and resentment, one is more likely to make up a wrong decision. It clouds the logical thinking. I think its exactly due to this anger, she is thinking of herself. “You want to marry me forcefully, let me see how you do this. I will do this and that..blah blah blah …”. I also withstood a huge pressure from my parents to get married (though it may be easier for a guy). I resented my parents a lot then but overtime I came to understand their pov and the whole resentment was gone. the only point being if one does not want to be married, one should not get married no matter how much the pressure from parents, friends, siblings etc. Forceful relations are not likely to succeed no matter how good the man/woman are, the blessing of parents are there or not. I will be blunt here and I will say that her thinking of hurting herself is bullshit. Its very important at this juncture to do away all such negative feelings and try to do what is right i.e. not to yield to the pressure.

2. Yes the groom will ask and I just advised that do not lie. do not lie due to the parents pressure.

I would love to hear why so many people have given a thumbs down to my comment.🙂

I’m just guessing that maybe it was because you asked her not harbour any ill will towards her parents. Of course, now that you’ve clarified what exactly you meant- it seems to make sense🙂
It is extremely difficult to withstand so much pressure, and resentment and anger towards the parents is a given. But you are right in saying “stay positive” and try to get rid of the negativity.
I don’t know what advice to give this woman as I cannot make out how serious the situation is.Is there a threat of physical violence? Either way, I think a call to a helpline is in order, even if it ends up being just moral support.

Dear LW,
My heart skipped a beat when I read the extreme measure that you would take to stay unmarried. Please remove any such thoughts from your mind ASAP. Leaving home and getting a job is the path to your happiness. Once you start earning, your parents would also see that you are happy and doing well, perhaps then you can convince them.

I am sure there are good examples in your neighborhood too. Talk about them to your parents. I hope that they listen to you.

too too extreme. Rethink PRONTO!
it doesnt require you to scar yourself.
talk out, go setlle elsewhere, figure it out. Just don’t scar yourself.
5 years later, you meet someone you think you have a chance with, im sure he will love you irrespective of scar / no scar, but do u really wanna explain why you got it.

Dear LW, stay strong, just keep saying no, tell them you will ONLY marry after you have a job (and then find a job in another city). They can bring boys to see you but you just keep saying no. Say no to the boy, say no to them, just say no. Tell your family very calmly each time that you will marry but you need to find a job first. Tell them to stop forcing you. If they try to force you emotionally , ignore their tantrum or suicide threats. Be calm. Don’t harm yourself, you need to stay mentally strong to come out the other side of this, focus on getting a job.

Does your family resort to violence at any times? If you suspect they might do this then get help from friends and other family members. Do you know any lawyers? Maybe a friend’s parent? You can threaten legal action if they beat you. If things are getting really abusive, find a women’s help NGO and contact them. They might be able to scare off your family with legal action or something like that. Other than physical violence, they cannot force you into a mandap. Just keep saying no and go for your dreams. It’s harder when the family keeps getting in your way but just keep going towards your goal.

I can’t gauge just how extreme your family is but it could be that they think you’re not actually serious about not wanting to marry, that you’re just being coy, s if you keep saying no to everyone, they might actually back off for a bit. Just stand firm, ignore your family’s antics, go find a job.

be financially independent – can you do that ? along with that keep studying . YOUR dreams and thoughts and belief and actions can help you live your life the way you want. I was to be forcibly married by my parents but I didnt.after BA they tried to me marry me off, I told my college friends who pointed me to a counsellor at TISS- ( Tata institute of social sciences, bombay ) ( I told my parents to meet them but my mother didnt.. I had a silent supporter in my father, but he was not very strong against my mother) and talking to this counsellor I told her my needs , my need of financial independence. I got an admission – though my parents didnt like I was studying MSW studied. During vacations I worked ( my parents did not have an idea that i was working, because I was afraid that I was making money for my expenses – I was prepared to pay my own fees if my parents relented at some point …the story goes on ..I went on to do M.Phil at IIT Bombay…

EDUCATION IS OUR WEAPON ..

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY – DO YOU HAVE THAT ONE /TWO PERSON WHO WILL HEAR YOU ?UNDERSTAND YOU AND KEEP YOU , GIVE YOU THAT WINGS BENEATH YOU TO help YOU TO LEARN TO FLY – FIND THAT PERSON – THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT.

YOU NEED SOME SUPPORT – WEATHER IT BE AN ELDER, A FRIEND, A TEACHER ANYBODY to get past this situation

…DONT GIVE UP ! MY SISTER DID – SHE IS A LIVING VEGETABLE LYING IN SOME VILLAGE ! ! and now she is resigned to it. I pray that her dreams come alive , because she was my support and though I supported her , she decided to be a living vegetable and so i couldnt help her even though I had all the financial means . so it is ” Your” ” decision” that counts.

–YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF. GET support from others to help yourself. and TAKE A decision. You are not cheap enough to put a scar on your face !

….FIGHT FOR YOURSELF TO MAKE YOUR LIFE HAPPY AND WAY YOU decide, will decide it all
we are human beings and the law of survival says the strongest will survive .. and “your decision” is your strongest point.

Don’t hurt yourself. It’s not worth it. I find it really strange how often women resort to violence against themselves in order to protest. Cutting themselves, starving themselves, now the thought of burning themselves… really! What do they want to achieve with that? Punishing other people? It doesn’t work. In the end you just punish yourself. It won’t solve the real problem. It will just make you a victim again, not empower you. Besides, it is just the same level as parents threatening to kill themselves if the children don’t toe the line. Don’t continue this disturbed behaviour. Rather, empower yourself. As the others already said, contact groups who might help you, get a job and move away. Of course it takes a lot of courage to go against your family’s wishes, but in the long run it’s about your life, not theirs. Fulfilling your dreams is never easy, it needs the willingness to fight for your own happiness. All the best!

Kiran Bedi’s NGO had been helping distraught women at one point, I remember reading her weekly columns in a leading daily recounting the stories of such women. I don’t know if they still do it, but it might be worth looking at — http://www.navjyoti.org.in/

Clara Niwas in Kalu Sarai, Delhi is a working women hostel run by missionary sisters whose school I attended. Though it is not meant as a rescue centre, I know the sisters have never failed to help a distraught women needing help in finding work and shelter.

Or rainbow colored streaks! Ooo and piercings..in some “inappropriate” place…thats should definitely do the trick! Just dont burn your cheeks, its too painful and burns take forever to heal. Plus you will look like a clown who decided to take it a bit too far with the rouge. Naa, not a good idea.

A burn will be seen as an accident, but streaks, tattooes etc will be seen as rebellion.

Pretending an illness/skin disease/body aches could help (will have to make sure everybody talks about it so the prospective groom’s family hears about it during their inquiries), because any health issues are only a little less tolerated in prospective brides than scarred cheeks.
But will education or job be permitted while all this is going on?

Refusing a few proposals bluntly by calling every prospective groom on phone had worked for someone I knew, the news and rumors spread very soon ..all neighbours talked (of imagined affairs etc.) and very soon proposals stopped coming.

WHy should you pretend to anything, disfigure your body etc. you have a mind and an education, When the people come to “SEE” you, tell them openly that you are not interested in marriage and make it specific that you “do not want to marry this guy”. also tell them you have nothing personal against him or this family and you simply are not in the mind to be married now. you could if you are brave enough explain openly that your family in the guise of love coerced you to this bride -seeing🙂 and you will not make a happy marriage and leave it at that.

Boys and their families will not touch you with a pole. no one ( however traditional adn patriarchial) wants an unwilling bride – unless it’s to a villager living in a village with no women and he’ll take what he can !!!! No parent of the groom wants the headache of an unwilling bride. – no matter how superior they seem.

yes It will be seen as an insult and hurt to your parents but they will take you seriously the next time when you say something in private or else you can repeat the whole tamasha in the next bride -seeing till you get a job and get out and then simply dont show up for the drama.

at the same be ready to leave if they throw you out , after all most indian parents think respect=following their orders to arrange your life= duty
The slight logic that the child didn’t ask to be born slips their mind when faced with a grown up child.I attribute it to lack of hobbies , interests of their own and clinging to children as their sole source of entertainment and retirement. nothing can be done. it’s upto this generation to move things forward, i certainly believe we will be better parents .

//It is totally unjust for her parents to keep her captivity but do you she wouldn’t have tried to get away if they gave her all the freedom? I mean in captivity with being under watch always, she can plan her escape and has means to do it also, we can guess what would have happened if she was not watched? It myth the be traditional fear of family reputation being ruined if she runs away but it might be their genuine concern for her?
This lady is now ready to leave her life of 26 yrs for a man she met 2 yrs ago. As far as i know her biggest complaint against her parents was that her sis was her dad’s fav and her bro was her mom’s so she was no one’s fav. Now we always forget parents are human they might have favorites?//

“Boys and their families will not touch you with a pole. no one ( however traditional and patriarchal) wants an unwilling bride” This is actually not quite true. Of course, many may want to stay away from unwilling brides, but there are many people who don’t really care as long as the other criteria are fulfilled. A friend of mine was in a relationship with this girl, and the usual story – she was forced into marriage with someone else. This guy actually spoke to everyone, and finally, even went to see the prospective groom. He was brushed off, and the marriage went ahead.

Don’t do something as stupid as disfiguring yourself.
Simple stick to your guns.
If the boys family come to see you, tell them frankly that you don’t want to marry and that your parents are pressuring you and you will not yield.
Once boys hear this from your mouth they themselves will drop you like a hot potato.
Soon the proposals will stop coming and you will be free to work on your career ambitions.

My advice to the LW: Please do not think of disfiguring yourself in whichever way. Not even tattoos or coloring your hair or anything that you would not typically do. You own it to yourself to be true to what you are. You are educated. Please, please get a job ASAP, if you don’t have one already. Move out of your parents home. Preferably to a different city/country. Make new friends – especially ones who are rational and can empathize with you (easier said than done). If your parents try emotional blackmail, try reverse emotional blackmail by warning them of dire consequences if they persisted – I had to do that to make them back off a bit. Here’s a big hug. I wish you courage, strength and hope. Once you set yourself free of unwanted shackles, you will make your dreams come true. I know I did. Below is my story, so very similar to yours.

Your note took me back many, many years, when my parents were more or less doing the same ‘arranged marriage’ thing. Every marriage proposal that I refused resulted in heated arguments, baseless statements about how education was spoiling me, how I was aging, my drawbacks in terms of looks and why I should ‘compromise’, accusations about how I was shirking the “responsibility” I had towards my younger siblings by not getting married on time (something I could never understand), how I did not care about my parents advancing age, intense cold treatment and a general miserable feeling just entering the house after a long tiring day at work.
At one point I even warned my parents that their words and actions would drive me to poison, and then they would have to face the consequences. I had no intention of actually doing that – I love myself too much to resort to that. But the ploy worked on my parents – it made them ease up a little, but did not stop them from bringing on more proposals.
My father once even challenged me ‘What will you do?’ when I protested about their treatment. He didn’t think I had it in me to leave the house and settle down on my own. I then made up my mind that I was going to leave the house and rent an apartment either in the same city or move out of the country. That decision was the turning point. I didn’t convey this decision to my parents, but I started my research quietly. Just doing that empowered me, gave me strength to handle the daily trials, because I knew I was doing something positive to change my life.

Luckily I happened to be in a profession that sent employees abroad for long term projects and I grabbed the first chance that came my way. I could see that my father was sad about me leaving the house, but I could not take the daily emotional upheavals anymore.

Yes, it was not easy settling down on my own to a new life a new country, but it was a million times more emotionally liberating and empowering than I could have ever imagined. When I was ready for marriage, I thrived on the freedom. I joined matrimonial sites and started communicating with prospective ‘husbands’, which I how I met my now husband. I have never regretted the decision to find my own space and to take charge of my own life. Ironically my relationship with my parents has undergone a 360 degree change. They are very respectful, kind and considerate to me and my husband. Most importantly they did not make my siblings go through the same extent of emotional turmoil as me when choosing their life partners.

I know a family where the girl is in exactly the same situation you were in.
I also know a relative, where the boy is being pressurised by his parents and he is not budging. But being a boy, it is easier for him The girl is going through hell these days. I only hope she finally ends up like you did.
Regards
GV

My first reaction was to say, just tell your parents the truth in a CLEAR and STRONG voice – you don’t want to get married right now and that’s that. I know you already told them but sometimes people don’t take women or their adult children (men and women) seriously.

However if you think your parents might use restrictive methods – locking you up, forcing you into marriage, etc., you will need to plan this more carefully. Focus on your career, get a job so you can support yourself, move out and find a place to stay with friends/roommates. “Buy time” with the proposals however you can – make excuses as to why you don’t like a certain groom or when you talk to the groom, say things that will make him reject you – but you need to do this subtly.

Once you feel more established with your independence, you can tell your parents to put an end to the groom searching.

A very important thing here is to take care of yourself – feelings of frustration are normal – in some cases of extreme emotional turmoil, they do lead to self-injurious behavior. Realizing and understanding this may help you walk away from this destructive pattern. If however, you still feel plagued by thoughts of hurting yourself, please seek the help of a counselor or support group – it is VERY important to address your emotional well being.

Well hurting yourself will not get u the results u desire for all u know u might get married off to a person who has no interest in ur looks but will end up chargng a huge amount of dowry just for walking down the aisle that said things are bound to go downhill from here on with dowry harassment n the regular taanas from ur mil n relatives
Being a student myself i think the best thing that u can do now would be to 1st look out for a job that requires a min grad degree look out for places to stay either with ur friends if they are of the sort who will support u come what may n whose parents are supportive with ur decisions too..or better stay at a working women hostel that way u will have company n if the place has guards then a sense if security too…keep ur close n supportive friends in the loop cause ur beginning days are going tp be tough n u will need support both financially n emotionally…when u have sorted these things out u can openly declare ur decision to ur family n walk out with ur head held high n towards a new found freedom…try keeping touch with a few relatives who support u n keep ur good intentions in mind afterall it is difficult to cut off all ties with ur family..get urself financially independent 1st and then tale up part time courses or pursue ur desired line of study..
I hope u found this useful and things do work out for u n all the best for ur future endeavours

Hurting yourself is not the answer. You need to keep your wits about you, and you need your health to fight against what is being forced on you.

Stay calm, think logically.

Firstly, I think you would need to leave home.
It can be a daunting prospect, especially since you’ll be on your own, so if you have any friends you can count on, keep them close, cos you will need that. Even without help though, you’ll be okay, though of course it’ll be more difficult.
Just remember, go easy on yourself. Society is doing enough to squash you down, last thing you need to do is harm yourself.

You find it impossible to believe that an Indian family can ‘marry off’ a daughter forcibly? Or do you find it imposible to believe that an Indian woman might want to harm herself to avoid a forced marriage?

Okay how will disfiguring yourself help YOU?
That is certainly not part of your dreams right?
Definitely don’t do that. Like all the good folks above have said, say it clearly firmly politely that you are not interested, no offence meant.

Response from the email writer:

//thanks alot.. cn u post tis frm my side..
” thanku ihm n all the ppl who cared n adviced me. i nw can think clearly. i will b working frm next month. i will hav a job n fr sure i will work towards my dreams. i will thank u all n ihm frst wen i fulfill my dreams. i will post again wen i tak any step depending on wat happens. i strongly feel tat my parents hav already fixed marriage wid sme1. im just nt ready n i dnt think they ll tell me till engagement is decided. i hav time till den to think. i promise i wont hurt myself. oly reading ur comments made me feel hw stupid i was to plan a thing lik tat. sakhi, ur story was inspiring. n each one of u, thanx. thanx fr d strength!! ihm u r doin a great job. hope every grl who s in trouble contacts u n members in ihm who actually “care”!!! thanx a lot… i will fulfill my dreams n live my life my way !!”//

That’s an ugly face of our culture.You are a wise girl to realize that you should not care about people who do not care about your dreams.These kind of parents(sadly most of the Indian parents) are assholes. They treat their daughters as properties and equate them with wealth.Try to get a job and leave the home asap.Don’t think that you will leave a bad impression on your relatives by leaving home.Your education will make you independent.If your parents are forcing marriage it is illegal.But please don’t even think of burning your face or taking your life.It would be better to take those misogynists’ lives rather than giving up yours.