4 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation

How could anyone fall for that? How could I have been so foolish? Why do they believe such lies? How could we have been conned like that?

There are emotionally manipulative people of varying degrees all around us. When we are young we like to think that we are immune to the psychological pressures that confuse, manipulate and condition other people. We are not so gullible, are we? But part of truly maturing as an individual involves understanding how you too are led by the environment, influenced by others, and driven by the needs you have as a human being.

Human beings can be manipulated precisely because we share innate psychological characteristics that render us ALL susceptible, to a point. Although, like any other weakness, some people are naturally more prone to succumb, while others have higher levels of immunity to the external pressures that can make us do things we would normally never think of doing.

But assuming that we are already “immune” is naive and the surest path to being a victim of manipulation. Let me give you a powerful example:

Emotionally Manipulated to Death

The day is November 18, 1978, and you’re in Guyana. There you stand in the middle of Jonestown, a loyal member of Jim Jones’ cult known as “The People’s Temple”. He commands you to drink a cup of poisonous, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and take your own life.

What do you do?

Well of course you don’t do it, right? Who is Jim Jones, or anyone for that matter, to tell you to end it all? You are not a robot that can be ordered to kill yourself against your own will! But an astounding 907 people simply followed his orders and died that fateful day. And many of these people poisoned their children before they took their own lives. People who wanted to live and wanted their children and spouses to live.

Why did these people do this? Why did men and women, many college educated, allow themselves to be abused and brainwashed by this man? Why did they agree to sell their homes and give all their possessions and money to “The People’s Temple” – an obvious cult?

Were these people of abnormally low intelligence? Were they clinically insane? Or was Jim Jones a highly skilled manipulator of human emotions? Did he know exactly how to push a human being’s “buttons,” and string them along even to the extent that they would poison their own children before ending their own lives?

Either way, that was just “Jonestown”, right? It was an isolated event.

Wrong! “Jonestown” has happened numerous times throughout history – and it will happen again. I bet you can think of other examples where people were willingly driven to their own demise. It may not be “Jonestown” – it may go by a different name, but we see the same exact psychological mechanisms of manipulation in play. Understanding these mechanisms can help immunize you not just to the grosser psychological manipulations of a wicked cult leader, but also to the more subtle psychological conditioning that we all encounter as part of everyday life.

We All Have Basic Human Needs

Jim Jones was a master of deceiving people by appearing to give them what they needed. And this is the crucial point to grasp. We all have innate human needs. If your fundamental psychological needs as a human being are not being adequately met, then, unless you understand precisely what’s happening and respond appropriately, you will be motivated to latch on to any source that appears to satisfy these needs.

Some of your basic human needs include:

The security of a safe environment in which to grow.

A sense of autonomy and control of your life.

A sense of self-worth earned through creative problem solving and the achievement of personal goals.

A sense of status within social groupings (which includes feeling important or respected in some way).

Being emotionally connected to certain people (family, friends, etc.).

Meaning and purpose arising from being able to make a difference.

Again, if any of these basic needs are not sufficiently met in your life, you will feel inexplicably attracted to anyone or anything that promises to supply what is lacking. The awareness that this is happening can save you an incredible amount of trouble.

Many of Jim Jones’ devotees were drawn from a pool of disgruntled people who were not leading satisfying lives or meeting their basic needs in healthy ways. People facing uncertain times or uncertain futures, people with low self-esteem and negative self-images, and so forth. Jones held out the promise of certainty, social acceptance, community, self-respect, purpose and feelings of security inside his “temple.” And there must have been some really deep seeded beliefs instilled in these people, because eventually they followed Jones, like some new-age Pied Piper, into oblivion.

Universal Applicability and Susceptibility

It’s rather easy to see that if your needs are not being adequately met in a healthy way, and someone or something comes along that promises to supply all of your needs in one convenient package, then that can seem pretty irresistible.

If you disagree, think about this: On a more conventional level, consider how many people feeling neglected in a marriage have a careless affair with someone because it was “so nice to be listened to, flattered, romanced, etc.” The very same unconscious propulsion towards an affair like that might drive others into the arms of a cult (or even to buy a timeshare or a new wonder drug!)

Rational Justifications for Irrational Behavior

We all need some level of quality attention and strive to meet that need in various ways, but our thirst for it can blind us to the sleazy aspects of the person (or entity) that’s tempting us. Our emotional drive is so powerful that it will enlist the help of the conscious mind to invent compelling, logical arguments to support what we feel compelled to do. Jim Jones’ devotees too would certainly have developed a belief system around the cult, and they wholeheartedly believed that they had rational arguments for sticking with it.

It’s easy to say afterwards, “How could I have been so foolish?” But extreme incidents like the Jonestown massacre demonstrate just how mind-numbingly powerful the drive to meet our basic human needs is. They can completely overwhelm clear thinking – just as a person dying of thirst in a desert might desperately put an ice-cold bottle of poison to their lips, if it were offered to them.

Weapons of Influence and Manipulation

Famous social psychologist Robert Cialdini conducted a study of how and why people comply (or buy) in business situations, and identified a set of principles which he called the “weapons of influence.” Although he was looking at business related events and interactions, his principles apply equally well to unsuitable, manipulative relationships of any kind. And if you look closely, it’s not hard to see the link between Cialdini’s principles and the basic needs I outlined above.

Cialdini’s weapons of influence:

Reciprocation – “But they’ve done so much for me!” When you feel indebted to someone, then the law of reciprocation is influencing you. Jim Jones constantly reminded his devotees of all he and “The People’s Temple” had done for them – how he had “saved them” and how they “owe” themselves to the “temple.” If someone constantly reminds you how much they are doing or have done for you, they are being manipulative. It runs all the way from free samples in product marketing/advertising to someone doing an unrequested favor for you just so they can ask you for a favor in return – the aim is to make you feel obligated to reciprocate. (Read Influence: Psychology of Persuasion.)

Commitment and consistency – If people publicly commit verbally or in writing to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment. We like to appear consistent and dependable to both ourselves and others (think of the disapproval heaped upon politicians who change their minds). To suddenly stop following orders or abandon once-deeply-held beliefs can simply feel impossible to many, even in the face of mounting evidence that disproves the belief.

Social proof – People will do things they see other people doing. Period. “A thousand other people can’t be wrong, right?” or “If everyone else is doing it then it must be OK.” This kind of thinking is how people get swayed into being “fashion victims” as well as “cult victims.” And it’s complicated too, because this is not just thoughtless blindness on our part. Hundreds of years ago, for human beings to survive in a world of predators, we had to form tight-knit social groups and look to others for behavioral cues. This is still useful up to a point, but the manipulators of the world can easily use this to their advantage.

Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform unjust acts. Authority figures come in many different flavors and facades (and Jim Jones was certainly naturally authoritative).

Likability – People are more easily persuaded and manipulated by other people whom they like. But likable people might not do very likable things and that’s the problem. Cialdini demonstrated that people tend to buy from people they like, or buy things people they like buy. We also tend to like attractive people. It’s no coincidence that cult leaders tend to be charismatic, likeable and attractive. (Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.)

Scarcity – If something seems scarce, demand for it will increase. “Limited time offer” or “while supplies last” or “only for the first 100 buyers” are all ways that the scarcity principle is used in marketing. In manipulative relationships it may be used like this: “You will never meet anyone else like me!” It’s subtle, but the implication is that I am rare, and therefore more valuable to you. Jim Jones phrased it like this: “‘The People’s Temple’ is the only place you can be saved” – all cults will have a similar manipulative slogan.

4 Smart Ways to Protect Yourself

To protect yourself from the more excessive and evil manipulations of organizations and individuals, you need to:

Be aware that extreme “promise of gain” and “threat of loss” are basic universal tools for manipulating belief and behavior.

Understand that if your basic emotional and physical needs are not adequately met, you become more vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone willing to exploit this gap. Just understanding this can help immunize you against becoming a victim.

Observe how Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” operate in everyday life (often in benign ways) and how they are indirectly linked to basic human needs.

Stay calm. Breathe. A calm mind can perceive the world much more clearly and objectively.

Afterthoughts

Most people and organizations are not actually out to exploit and manipulate others in an evil way, but as the unfortunate followers of Jim Jones discovered back in 1978, when they do, horrifying things can happen.

So… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Live by choice, not by chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated. Work to excel, not compete. Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else.

And if you feel like you’re struggling with a manipulative relationship situation of any kind, know that you are not alone. Many of us are right there with you, working things out for ourselves. Stand strong! Stay inspired! This is precisely why Angel and I wrote our book, “1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently”. It’s filled with short, concise tips on how to do just that.

The bottom line is that there are manipulative people in this world that will try to mess with your mind, but you can defend yourself. It’s about arming yourself with awareness.

Comments

Hello,
Time and time again, I have been sucked into the poor me syndrome. I am an eldest child pursuing a career in Women’s Studies and Native Issues. I feel like a broken record and I have to ask my roommate to leave for she has manipulated me.

Thanks for the article and I will be firm in not falling for her drama when it is time to move out. The sad thing is she is really a CON artist, committing fraud and using my place to hide from the authorities. Yes, fooled again and hopefully for the last time.

I have grown up being manipulated by manipulative and abusive people in my family. I got out of this environment at the age of 17 two years ago, and I’m cautious not to surround myself with similar people…

I was living with a lady that received very little amount of money for room and board as an act of kindness. However, whenever she was disappointed with me for not meeting her expectations, she would bring up the good things she had done for me and I would feel very guilty because of it. There were also various verbal threats.. Now that I know that manipulative people tend to bring up the things they’ve done for you, I’m getting a sense of what’s going on.

I’m learning how to distinguish manipulative people, and this is a VERY helpful post. Thank you, Marc.

Commitment and Consistency really struck home. My daughter’s abusive ex boyfriend, an attorney thirty years her senior, actually had her sign a contract saying she would marry him on a specific day. Your post confirms how controlling he is.

We’ve had to work tirelessly for four years to get her out of this relationship. Luckily she was in a new relationship with a healthy person, who married her instead.

These situations are real, and it is extremely difficult to bring someone out of them. It took family, friends and her new husband, surrounding her with support, to save her. She still struggles with the aftermath of years of mind control, manipulation and emotional abuse.

True. And thanks for an insightful article.
I was in a relationship with a person who controlled and manipulated me for ten months! 😁 it drove me into the pit. I was so full of self doubt, insecurity, no self worth i wanted to curl up and die!
I was told how to dress, act, give in to demands for sex, cook, assist him with errands on demand etc… he kept saying everything was wrong with me and i couldn’t do better than him. Until one day i just said see ya later!

Hi. This article is true. People can be so manipulative. (Of course they lie all the time) but manipulation is so evil. It fucking destroys you! and they know it. I am manipulated and emotionally attacked at work, all the time. Really hate it. They are making me hate and doubt myself and everything else to make me leave work. Its a strong controlling environment where, all they want to do is control and hurt you, just to pretend to be a big shot and maintain their scary image. I had to give in so many times. Nobody was ready to listen to me, up until the point where I could no longer take it anymore and started crying. Wish I could stay away from these negative people. Don’t want to get suicidal again

Get out now, I stayed for seven years in a workplace that was influenced by one controlling manipulative woman, she lied about me to the boss, my co workers and the children and their parents because I refused to tear down a new young employee as she instructed I do, so she turned all the abuse onto me. We had actually been friends for years but because she encouraged me, bought me gifts and told me sweet lies I was unable to see her for who she really was. I went home and cried again and again but my stubborn pride wouldnt let me leave, I took on a “bring it on ” attitude. After seven years of abuse and because I was close to retirement I walked out and away from the whole thing. She died of a massive heart attack six months later at the age of 54. I had no kniwledge in those days about manipulatuve people and cried that there must be something wrong with me that every one hated me so, in hindsight and reading Marc and Angels book I can see the others were terrified of this bully that she sould turn on them if they didnt comply with thinking and acting like her. Since leaving there have been a couple of co workers who have apologised to me and in my heart I could understand because I too at one time was caught uo in her web. I learned alot about people in those years and also about myself, but I would encourage you to move on, make a plan and fet out, no one ever deserves to be treated that way. I could fill pages with the awful things she said to me and about me. So Peaceful Mow

I have been a victim of a little cult, the cult leader had a conversation with me, where he promised me salvation, should I follow him and accept him as a super natural godly father figure and guide, I kept insisting, he explains to me technically, how things will be different with him, he kept replying with super intense emotion, how strongly he feels for me, how my success is crucial to him, how he already helped hundreds of people, but nothing with logical substance, as I got up to leave, voicing my disappointment, he made aggressive sexual contact with me, eyes pleading like a cat in the night, with incredible warmth and pretended care, mingled with calm,

It was the first time I ever had sexual contact , based on the religious fanatic education I received from my abusive parents, I found myself stuck with no way out other then embrace the only available escape, that this leader is godly, and barely human, and sex with him dues not count as a sin,

For over 11 years, he kept on asking me for sex, or manipulating me into begging it from him, but otherwise he would be incredibly degrading, rejecting, and outright cruel, in his behavior towards me.

It all ended, when I totally broke down mentally, went through two agonizing years in hellish depression, until I slowly begun redefining who I am, what inside me, truly is part of me vs the agenda of outside predators, consuming my mental resources, to manipulate me in destroying myself for their desires.

I have a good friend who’s partner is very manipulative. He controls her without her realizing as a lot of his behaviour that I would consider red flags she seems to think is romantic or cute (like tracking her flight from holiday and then freaking out when he knew she landed and she didn’t contact him right away).

My problem is that he seems to want me out of the picture and so when I hang out with her, he’s always there, and now I seem to see her less and less because he tells her that I don’t like him or have a problem with him. Instead of asking me though she’s taken it upon herself to exclude me from her life with him as much as possible because that’s easier than listening to him complain about me all the time.

It’s worth noting that while I don’t like him, I was never once rude or mean to him and the problems he comes up with are based on nothing. He once complained to her because I apparently didn’t say hi to him when I arrived at a get together with a group of people.

If anyone has any advice on how I can manage my friendship and keep her manipulative boyfriend at bay that would be helpful, because I do value our friendship, but I’m at my breaking point.