Cool as Hell: Junk Bikes For Sale

We’re rolling out more classic (rusted) iron for this week’s edition of Junk Bikes—a column now so popular that we’re using reader submissions to find most of our busted subjects.

We can only wonder if that means there’s a Racer X Online reader who actually took the plunge and bought one of these beauties, or, even better, was the profit maker on what amounts to sweeping up the junk on your garage floor, taking a few photos and attaching a random price tag.

Ready for more?

Click photo to view ad.

Grass BlazerThanks to top-notch submissions from our readers, we’ve been coming across some pretty good ads, many of them complete with creative sales pitches that are just as outlandish as the bikes featured in the ads. This is one of those, and we have to say, the pitch’s entertainment factor ranks right up toward the top of the heap. Here goes (with many a sic involved, we’re going straight text here):

“Looking for a more out of the box way to excersize. Be the coolest guy on your street cutting the lawn with this bad boy. you can save gas and get those rock hard abs you always wanted. This bike will cut your grass to emaculate conditions. It comes stock with this excentric two tone seat. The rust on the mower gives it an antique look that will have the cat lady next door going wild for your mower bike. For Ten extra dollars i can throw in a basket and headlight. Is your kid bouncing off the walls? I can even throw in some training wheels so you can put that bastard to work. This model is a three speed so you can really tear it up. Do your neighbor kids have an annoying bike ramp in the streets all the time. well snag that sucker and set it up infront of your trees, this bad mother will easily catch 6-7 feet of air allowing you to trim those troubling branches, as well as demolishing the ramp into oblivion so those damn kids wont be gathering in front of your house to practice for the x games. Comes with your choice of 12/40 oz beer holder that doubles as an ash tray.”

The VerdictAlthough we have to call false on the three-speed claim, this brilliant landscaping tool is getting the thumbs up. With this machine’s tall seat height and a pack of neighbors willing to pay someone to trim their lawns, the Grass Blazer is a ride that will get you riding high in the saddle, and will literally pay for itself.

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Crippling CreativityHave you ever watched any of those shows that profile some real life criminal mastermind and thought to yourself, “This dude is smart. If he just put the same time, commitment and effort into a legit job that he put into robbing banks and smuggling contraband, he’d probably be rich instead of rotting in jail hoping Santa brings him soap-on-a-rope for Christmas.” Well, even though this seller isn’t in prison, and probably hasn’t broken any written laws (although if someone ever tries to sit on that back seat they’ll certainly be challenging the laws of physics) by piecing together this rickety soul harvester, he definitely deserves some form of incarceration. Check out all those pulleys and spinning pieces on the side of this bike. There’s just no way you’re going to ride this thing without getting your pant leg, shoestring, or even your leg itself, wrapped up in that apparatus. C’mon man, give us a guard on this widow-maker!

In some of the additional pictures in this ad you can see all sorts of engines and equipment sitting around in the background, which, when combined with this guy’s ability to create a powered bike out of what appears to be a collection of old sewing machine and lawnmower parts, leads us to believe that he’s a first class tinkerer. Yet, he’s still producing, and selling, junk like this! He’s the Bernie Madoff of garage tinkerers; he’s got brains and abilities, but chooses to use them for evil purposes. We expect more out of you man!

The VerdictJust when you think we’re about to drop the hammer on this obviously deranged and sadistic inventor, we yank the pit mat out from underneath you and give him some praise. With the light weight and tiny engine, this thing probably gets astounding gas mileage. Like, 100 mpg plus. With that big tank on there, imagine the range you’d get out of that sucker! Of course, without a guard to protect the rider’s leg, measurements would probably be taken in maimings per gallon.

Click photo to view ad.

Memoir MuseWe named this one the Memoir Muse because after reading the rambling sales pitch, it seems that this bike has inspired the seller to start writing his memoirs. Check it out:

“NOT STREET LEGAL ANYMORE OFF ROAD TITLE COPS SAID NEVER SEE ME AGAIN RIDING A WHEELIE DOWN MAIN STREET AND I WOULDNT HAVE TO DO BREATH ALYZER TEST SO I DID. I sold it to a buddy and he went to the dunes with a paddle and lost air cleaner a dusted cyl. I bought it back and rode it (mosquitoe fogger) for a few years then sold it to girlfriends son and his uncle (bike mechanic) re-sleeved cyl. and new piston in 2001. When the kid putt motor back in frame he didn't have any spark and didnt fill motor with oil yet till fixed. He dropped if off and I put it off a couple years then I was involved in a ducati & f250 collision(guess who won) that put me out of commision. During my years of rehabilitation I would tinker with what might be wrong. New CDI no help everything ck. out but the pulse coil resistance was within spec. but no signal during turning motor over. Ordered new pulse coil sat on shelf a year then got around to pull clutch cover off to replace and found that the rotor was turned around on the shaft. Installed it back correctly and she had spark. Now this is one bad ass thumper to kick start. I got it going pull start with artic cat. Then my buddy could kick start it and all lubricating a sounding great. I was thinking maybe extending swingarm (hillclimber) or through in trackmaster frame (flattracker) but after my crash my right leg was broke in 10 pieces & now I have maybe 40% strength I used too. No way I can kick this thumper. I traded the kid out with it when I bought him a $1200 transmission. I know he spent well over 500 in parts on overhaul. He lost seat, air box during moving around but I got new chain & sprockets plug & plug wire, oil filter CDI & pulse coil invested. So at $600 bucks I'm only out $900 something. ain't that the way it goes? E-Mail me if interested ( this was the best wheelie bike I've ever owened )”

It’s awesome that a big part of the value assigned to this bike by the seller is its ability to do fat wheelies. Heck, he begins and ends the sales pitch by talking about wheelies! We’re confused by the opening sentence though. Is he saying that he complied with the cops and stopped doing wheelies down Main Street, or is he saying the opposite? Was ripping wheelies down Main Street for all the ladies such a cornerstone of his existence that not even the threat of a DUI could pull him away from his single-wheeled mullet-flapping-free-in-the-breeze lifestyle?

The VerdictIn keeping with the theme of this week’s Junk Bikes, we’re going to go ahead and give you permission to purchase this wreck. Will you ever get it to run properly or feel the joy of 12 o’clock wheelies on Main Street? Most likely not. Is it a risk-free purchase? Is Ryan Villopoto a bad dude on a dirt bike? Yes and Yes. You see, the seller is in obvious love with this bike. So much so that he goes off on tangents while writing its sales pitch, and he even bought it back at a loss, twice! So go ahead and buy it, and if you ever get sick of looking at it, the wheelie master himself is just a phone call away.

Click photo to view ad.

The Scorned LadyYet another fantastic reader submission, complete with a sales pitch that needs no help from us. Enjoy!

“Well folks, here's the story.

Husband had midlife crisis

Husband bought a dirtbike

Husband thought he would become the next James Stewart

Did I mention husband was 48 years old and SUCKED at riding dirtbikes?

Husband wrecks said dirtbike

Husband nearly dies

Husband racks up lots of medical bills from many days in ICU

Husband recovers

Wife sells dirtbike

Husband decides to buy a Harley instead

Wife says if Husband buys Harley, he will gain divorce papers

Husband buys Harley

Husband is now Ex-Husband

Ex-Husband is too busy wooing the ladies with new Harley and forgets to send child support

Wife sells Ex-Husband's crap that was left at her house

YOU get awesome deal on some sweet motocross stuff

Boys, just know that Wife is devoted to all of her sista's out there, so if you're a husband going through a midlife crisis and have never ridden a dirtbike before, please don't reply. You don't need this stuff. You need to go find you a nice and safe hobby like golf or fishing. Don't be stupid and think you're 15 again. You're not. You're middle aged. You will never be James Stewart. You will never be the bad-ass you think you can be. Get over it. Go beg your wife's forgiveness right now for even thinking about getting a dirtbike and needing this crap. Go ahead... I'll wait. Now, go online and order her a dozen roses and make reservations at a swanky restaurant and hope that she will forgive you for being a dumb ass.

Now for the rest of you... If you are interested in any of this, please let me know. Here are the specifics:

RED Answer gear. Looks brand new. Not sure if the stupid idiot ever wore this set. Doesn't look like it. He crashed every time he rode, so I doubt this was ever worn since it is pristine. Motocross jersey size XL, Pants 38.

GREEN Monster Thor gear. Very nice condition. Not sure where the hell this came from. Maybe he had a little something something on the side that rode with him. Wouldn't surprise me a bit. Motocross jersey is size M, Pants 34.

Alpine Stars Tech 7 boots, size 11. Great condition. Wish I would have put these on and kicked him square in the arse. Haha!

Troy Lee Designs Moto GPX Leatt Brace. Excellent condition.

Honestly, I'd like to sell all of this in one big lot. The less time that I have to spend on getting rid of his crap the better. He didn't spend a lot of time getting over me, so I just wanna get this over with so I can move on and find me a REAL man who knows how to really treat a woman. Mmmmhmmm!”

The VerdictTaking sides in domestic arguments simply isn’t our style here at Racer X Online, so we’re not going to pass judgment here on who’s right or wrong. What we can say is that there’s no way any of us could stand being married to a women with such an obvious hatred and lack of understanding of motorcycles. If we were, we’d probably try to crash our brains out too. But if you didn’t, well, clearly she’s available, too.