'Don't shoot - we're just here on holiday'

This summer the foreign secretary Margaret Beckett will, for security reasons, be accompanied by Special Branch on her caravan holiday to France. But will the officers be au fait with the practicalities and niceties of campsite life? Lucy Mangan offers them some tips

British foreign secretaries used to be the kind of old English milords whose idea of a summer holiday was a Grand Tour and a decent souvenir of the trip was having an imposing continental hotel named after them. But as the legislature's demographic changes, its vacations must change with it, and yesterday it was revealed that Margaret Beckett would be adhering to her traditional pattern of caravanning round France with her husband Leo for the summer, now that parliament has broken up.

For the first time, however, her new status as très importante Cabinet minister means that she will have to be accompanied at all times by members of Special Branch who, we fear, may be in need of a brief primer on caravanning and motor home practicalities and etiquette.

1) Preparation, preparation, preparation

First, of course, you must choose the right caravan. "There's a caravan for every lifestyle, every personality," says Ruth Walmsley, spokeswoman for the Camping and Caravanning Club. "But if you don't want to stand out, avoid the hip and funky ones such as the Yellow T@b or the Adria - they're blue and podlike. Get any middle-of-the-road model for about £12,000. You'll still get the surround-sound system, underfloor heating, double glazing and a large-end bathroom for that money."

But let's face it - you're Special Branch, you are protecting a woman vital to the nation's security, you know the Gauls are a sneery bunch ... you're going to want something that looks just that little bit butch. "Then you want the US Airstream," says Steve Rowe, editor of Caravan Magazine. "The original American models were too wide so they've just started making a special narrower model for European roads. It's got an aluminium skin that makes it look a lot tougher than normal, and they cost around £30,000 each. And there's plenty of room to tuck in lots of special equipment - listening devices and the like." "It is gorgeous," agrees Walmsley. "Like a big speeding silver bullet." Go on, have some. The taxpayer won't mind.

Then you need to get the feel of it. Nikki Nichol, head of public relations for the Caravan Club which represents more than 900,000 caravanners, motor home and trailer-tent owners, recommends going on one of the caravanning courses "offering tuition before touring at 14 centres nationwide". Reversing, according to Rowe and my colleague Tim Lusher, a man mentally scarred by early parental holidaying choices, is a particularly complex art. "You have to start by steering in the opposite direction you want it to go, otherwise it will just jackknife, blocking the beautiful medieval town centre to all traffic for many long, excruciating minutes," he says with the bitter voice of experience.

Before you set out, buy an awning. "It's a very Sarah Beeny tip," says Lusher. "But it'll double your living space and mean you don't have to spend very much time in the horrible caravan."

Once your tour of duty and France is under way, don't forget the daily preparations. Do you have sufficient gas for cooking? Do you have sufficient water for showering? It ill behoves a man who supposedly spends his life in a state of constant readiness, every nerve quiveringly alert to the slightest whisper of danger, to have to emerge naked but for a scalpful of Vosene and refill the watertank on the roof because it's run out halfway through the daily ablution. And, perhaps above all, is there sufficient space in the toilet "cassette" (you may find, incidentally, that the word comes to dominate your thoughts to a hitherto undreamed of extent). "If you overfill, there is the likelihood of a Glastonbury situation," says Rowe delicately. So have a care.

2) On the road

· Remember to wind up the caravan's stays before setting off.

· If you pass another caravan driver, don't wave. It's not done. But there is a greater on-road camaraderie among motor home drivers - because they're rarer, says Rowe - and if you are one, you should acknowledge another's presence.

· Except when it comes to shooting young Brazilian men, you're not above the law, so obey the speed limit - 60mph on English motorways (remember you're not allowed in the fast lane, mainly because your ungainliness and vision-obscuring fat vehicular bum causes seizures in those behind you) and between 110 and 130kph on les autoroutes français. And don't even think about trying to overtake anyone.

· There are no rules about doing a U-turn with a caravan but received wisdom has it that even if you consider your driving skills second to none, even if you have been trained at the finest police academies in the country, you are better off unhitching the thing and turning it manually, or driving on to the nearest roundabout.

· And finally, beware the snake. "This," explains Lusher, "is when a high-sided truck overtakes you and the caravan starts to undulate like a sidewinder. If you brake, you will probably capsize the whole outfit. Just take your foot off the accelerator to slow down and then accelerate out of the snake." Don't go spoiling caravanners' record of being involved in only 0.07% of traffic accidents with fancy tactics because you're annoyed at not being chosen to escort Tony Blair between summit meetings or to give close personal protection to Prince Andrew at the perilous roulette wheels in Monte Carlo.

· Don't try to be clever. Don't be a hero.

3) On site

The key thing is to remember your limitations. "When you hook up the electrics - run a cable from the site's post to the caravan - the power may be very low, especially in France," warns Rowe. "If you're using tons of modern equipment, you can trip fuses and black out the whole site." So switch off all but the most vital monitoring equipment and don't recharge your phones or hook up with any satellites until you're sure the site can take it.

Take advantage of the site's other facilities too. "Don't use the toilet if you can help it, even though it seems really modern with a flush and everything," says Lusher. "It will smell. It just will. Use the toilet block on site." Caravans, he points out, are really very small so you should do anything you can to lessen the effects of the unsavoury but inevitable emanations from the human body.

"Ditto the kitchen facilities," he adds. "Essentially, don't use any of the facilities in the caravan and sleep under the awning. This is why people prefer camping. And remember to connect the waste from the sink, if you insist on doing stuff like washing up."

4) Stay loose

A caravan site is not the place to get trigger happy. "Caravanners are very sociable people," says Nichol. "They're all ages, come from all walks of life and they'll all give you a warm welcome and offer to lend you a hand to get settled." So don't shoot them. And don't Taser anyone you find looking over your caravan on site. "People do tend to come in and have a look," says Rowe. "It's just nice and old-fashioned that way."

Remember, the snoopers are unlikely to be after state secrets. They are more likely to be Maureen and Geoff from Kidderminster after a cup of tea and the name of the place you bought your awning. "Special branch should try and get into the spirit of it," advises Walmsley. "They'll meet some lovely people along the way and if they chill out they might be surprised how much they enjoy it".