Warning: Explicit sexual content and strong sexism are pretty much guaranteed. I seriously don’t even need to look.

X as Lasagna Counter: 3

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 14

Cain: Hello, everyone. Interesting thing to note, Library of the Damned is the third result when you search “Garfield Effect Galaxy Adventure.” Does this call for celebrations? Regardless, let’s begin.

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Part 4

Cain: Part four? What? This is Chapter Eleven, and the fic has always gone by chapter in the heading.

It was a warm sunny morning on the Normany, full of bloomring rose flowers and violet plants. Garfield was playing intense games of B-ball with Garrus in the B-ball arena.

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 15

Cain: I understand that people say “B-Ball” in real life, but when the prose begins to do so, it becomes excessive.

A boom box was playing cool hip hop beats while they were playing. Garfield and Garrus were both scoring slam dunks and making points. Garfield had the ball was spinning it on his finger like hurricane. Garrus was trying to block the ball with his legs. Garfield then threw the ball from across the field scoring a basket with mighty swoosh and winning the game.

“Wow Garfield that is one kind of shot.” Said Garrus with awe.

Cain: Yes, it is a kind of shot. This is a true statement.

“It was nothing, I am working up sweat though, let us hit the showers.” Said Garfield with sweaty confidence.

In the locker room Garrus snapped Garfield’s behind with his towel for comedy.

“Haha Garrus you are such comedian.” Said Garfield with jolly laughter.

Cain: Even Garfield, in all his abusive, idiotic, wantonly-destructive behavior, has loved ones.

<blockquote>”Towels are fierce weapons for proud warriors.” Said Garrus jokingly.

“Garfield this is EDI we have new reports of crew member for you, Jack the criminal.” Said EDI with informative voice.

“Where is this criminal?” Said Garfield with question.

“Jack is in the Blue Suns flying prison Purgatory.” Said EDI.

“I do not like Blue Suns they are unmanly bad doers.” Said Garfield with distrust.

Cain: While his rationale is strange, he does have reason to distrust the Blue Suns, if I recall correctly.

“It is ok they promised not to do bad.” Said EDI with consolation.

Cain: I rescind my previous statement. They are obviously now entirely trustworthy.

“Very well set course for Purgatory at Maximum Speed, do not stop for man woman or child.” Said Garfield, finger pointing in the air.

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 15

Cain: You’re traveling via FTL. In space. There are no men, women, or children to stop for.

The Normany sped for Purgatory with galactic urgency, not stopping for supernovas or black holes.

Cain: If either of those were close enough to be able to affect the Normandy, then the ship would have been destroyed. Again.

At arriving at Purgatory Garfield landed on roof and entered flying prison.

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 16

Cain: Purgatory is technically a station, but it still counts.

“Greeting Garfield I am Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory I am here to guide you to Jack.” Said the Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory.

*Cain waits for the DRD to appear, but instead, a note does*

Cain: “Dear Supreme Commander Cain Dwight, who is a Supreme Commander. It has come to our attention that you are a suspect in a currently ongoing investigation of a recent violation of regulation Seven-Hundred Eighty-Four Thousand, Nine-Hundred Fifty-Two, the Seven-Hundred Eighty Four-Thousandth, Nine-Hundred Fifty-Second regulation, which is currently ongoing. However, all investigators are currently deployed, and the only company not deployed which has enough personnel is the problematic 13th Company, Number Thirteen, which is a problematic Company. We sincerely hope you will allow us to put this investigation on hold, which we sincerely hope. We will be sending investigators in two standard days, who will be there in two standard days.

Respectfully, DRD High Command, with respect.”

Cain: Monitor, send them a message saying that we must decline, in the interest of avoiding transparent attempts at ascertaining the layout of the Mystic.

“Better not try to be funny or I will silence humor forever.” Said Garfield with serious tone.

Cain: The entire Library, and Violet and Mauve, and probably even Vagueness will tear you to shreds if you attempt that.

“I promise to be good and right citizen.” Said Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory.

The Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory led Garfield to a Cell which had Jack in it.

“Hello Garfield, I am Jack the criminal, I am bad person.” Said Jack.

“You are girl yet not girly.” Said Garfield with wonder.

Cain: I think that Geronimo, Agent [CLASSIFIED], Diesel, Goddess, Sem, and many others take offense at that (and that’s just among our author’s characters). If your definition of girly is “helpless,” and not “the opposite of tomboyish,” then <b>all of us</b> take offense at that.

“I am tough scrappy female with troubled past.” Said Jack.

“Come let us go back to Normany.” Said Garfield in understanding tone.

“No so fast Garfield you are my prison now.” Said Evil blue Suns Leader of Purgatory as he surrounded Garfield and Jack with many Blue Suns Soldiers.

“WHAT?!” Said Garfield with uproarious roar.

Cain: I agree with Garfield. That monster promised to be good and right citizen. He betrayed the most sacred lasagna oaths.

Cain: I apologize for that.

“I am taking you in prison for money I will be rich.” Said Blue Suns Leaders with lusty greed.

Cain: We do not need that part of the prison experience, Blue Suns… Leaders? What? Is that a character blob made up of one person?

*A letter from the DCB appears*

Cain: I’m simply going to give you the summary. They have no subtlety, and wish to investigate our ships, just like the DRD. Monitor, tell them we must politely decline.

“You Blue Suns are Yellow like dogs, first you take my Lasagna now you take my freedom, no more I will be sending you to a early Hell morning!” Shouted Garfield with Manly vocal chords.

*Cain laughs*

Cain: With “manly vocal chords.” I do not even know what that means. Does it just mean a bass voice?

…

Cain: Hmm. You’re right. The use of lasagna in that stock phrase <i>is</i> worth a point on the counter.

X as Lasagna Counter: 4

“It is too late Garfield you are surrounded, you are mine forever!” Said Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory.

Cain: I love how Warden Kuril’s title changes every time.

“Humph, fool you are the one in prison of greed.” Said Garfield with philosophy.

Cain: That was not too bad a line. Unfortunately a combination of bad sentence structure and Garfield saying it with philosophy ruined it.

Garfield then put his fingers in the mouth and blew his whistle with fury. Garfields custom Harley Davidson motorcycle

Cain: What?

with Lasagna headlights

X as Lasagna Counter: 5

Cain: What?!

then crashed through the ceiling jamming cool triumphant music as it came.

Cain: What?!

Garfield then hopped on the motorcycle and put on his sunglasses because the sun always shines on Garfield even in spaceships.

Cain: I… see. I suppose that the previous quote should also get a point on the counter. Just as soon as I have recovered from that.

”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 18

“Time for joyriding.” Said Garfield chilly as he took out a lasagna flavored cigarette and put it in his mouth.

X as Lasagna Counter: 6

Garfield put his motorcycle on hyperspeed and blazed through the Blue Suns mercenaries.

“Curses you Garfield!” Said the Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory as he shook his fist in the air.

Cain: Who curses Garfield? Is the Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory talking about himself in Third-Person Present tense?

“I have appetites for violence

Cain: I’m unsurprised that he has multiple appetites for violence, given the wanton destruction he engages in wherever he goes.

and it is almost dinner time.” Said Garfield as he puffed on his lasagna flavored cigarette.

“Chew on this Garfield!” Said Blue Suns leader as he chucked grenade at Garfield with desperation.

“You should try some of your own cookings before serving.” Said Garfield Cooley

Cain: Who is Garfield Cooley? Why are they in this?

as he shot the grenade with his Desert Eagle back at the Blue suns Leader of Purgatory who caught it in his mouth.

Cain: Given the power of his Desert Eagle, I wouldn’t have expected the grenade to have anything left upon being shot.

“ARGHARFIELD.”

*Cain snerks*

Screamed the Blue Suns Leader of Purgatory as he exploded.

“Looks like it blew up in your stomach.” Said Garfield slyly as he walked away.

“Garfield we must leave now.” Said Jack the criminal.

Cain: That reminds me. Where the hell was Jack this entire time? In canon, she was rampaging through the ship. I’m going to assume, for the sake of my sanity, that she was leaning back and sipping martinis, rather than cowering in the corner like you’d expect from this fic.

“No problem babe, hop on my Harley.” Said Garfield. Jack hopped on the back of his motorcycle gripping Garfields waste.

Cain: Gross.

Garfield and Jack rode out of Purgatory with speed of unicorns.

Cain: This means that unicorns move at the speed of plot as well.

“Here is present to remember me by.” Said Garfield as he look back the ship and tossed his lasagna flavored cigarette at the Purgatory causing it to explode.

*Cain sighs*

Cain: I don’t even care.

Garfield and Jack landed back in the Normany where Garrus and crew were waiting.

“Good work Garfield you saved the day again.” Said Garrus with thumbs up.

“It was easy like lasagna cake.” Said Garfield with relaxed sigh.

X as Lasagna Counter: 7

“Garfield you saved my life but I still don’t like you because I am bad.” Said Jack the criminal.

Cain: She is remarkably aware of what this fic thinks about women who don’t stay in the kitchen and bedroom exclusively.

“Hoho, Garfield looks like she will not fall for your charms.” Said Garrus jokingly.

“Want to bet? I can make lady out of her yet.” Said Garfield with knowingness.

“Ok, Garfield I bet you 500 dollars of lasagna you cannot make her into proper lady.” Said Garrus with smirk.

X as Lasagna Counter: 8

Cain: What is a dollar of lasagna? Is it an actual dollar bill made of lasagna, or is he just betting five-hundred dollars’ worth of lasagna?

“You are on bone head!” Said Garfield with handshake. Garfield then walked over to Jack with purpose.

“Jack I am taking you to shopping, and making you into lady.” Said Garfield

“Ok, but I am still not likeing you.” Said Jack. Garfield and Jack then went to Citadel to go shopping for clothes and makeup and perfume.

“Try on this dress, Jack.” Said Garfield as he gave her a short purple sparkly dress.

“Ok Garfield, but I still don’t like you” Said Jack as she tried on the dress.

Jack tried on the purple dress as well as matching purse, and perfume with smell of flowers and lasagna.

X as Lasagna Counter: 9

Cain: I feel as if beige is a more appropriate color.

“Garfield I feel like true woman, thank you.” Said Jack with gratitude.

Cain: I really hate this fic at times.

“No problem lets go back to Normany for celebration.” Said Garfield.

On returning to the Normany, Garrus saw Jack as true lady and realized he lost the bet.

“Wow she is true lady, I have lost bet, here is your 500 dollars in lasagna, Garfield.” Said Garrus with defeat.

“Thank you Garrus I will spend it on pantaloons.” Said Garfield with victory. As Garfield took his prize money he went to the captains cabin where he saw Jack was waiting for him.

“Garfield you are like man like no other, I did not think love was possible until now.” Said Jack with love in her eyes.

“You are special lady now that you have nice dress and are pretty to look at.” Said Garfield with understanding voice.

Cain: Actually, she’s now a generic sex kitten.

“Yes Garfield thank you for making me worthwhile,

Cain: Making her worthwhile?! I… what the fuck?! Was she not worthwhile before, when she was an interesting character? Was she not worthwhile before, when she wasn’t a concubine? Are you seriously… fuck this.

let me thank you with special gift.” Said Jack with flirtations.

“Sure think sexy babe, let me show you my Jack.” Said Garfield with a wink and nod.

“Let me warn you, I am rough and tough rebel.” Said Jack with sass.

“I will rebel in your pants.” Said Garfield with romance. Garfield and Jack then embrace and made sweet lovings all day and all night until they broke dawn.

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It was a warm sunny morning on the Normany, full of bloomring rose flowers and violet plants. Garfield was playing intense games of B-ball with Garrus in the B-ball arena.

A boom box was playing cool hip hop beats while they were playing. Garfield and Garrus were both scoring slam dunks and making points. Garfield had the ball was spinning it on his finger like hurricane. Garrus was trying to block the ball with his legs. Garfield then threw the ball from across the field scoring a basket with mighty swoosh and winning the game.

“Wow Garfield that is one kind of shot.” Said Garrus with awe.

“It was nothing, I am working up sweat though, let us hit the showers.” Said Garfield with sweaty confidence.

“Haha Garrus you are such comedian.” Said Garfield with jolly laughter.

If either of those were close enough to be able to affect the Normandy, then the ship would have been destroyed. Again.

Uhh, not really? Like anything that generates some sort of destructive wave for field which diminishes in intensity with distance, there will be a rather large range of proximities between affecting the Normandy and destroying it.

*Checks off “Why aren’t you meeting my all-important standards?”, “You must be aware of everything I’m aware of,” “I thought you had (my) standards,” and “You obviously care about whether or not I’m disappointed,” on the Butthurt Audience Bingo Sheet*

Now I just need “Slap in the face,” “I’ve been around a while so you must cater to my preferences,” and “One thing I didn’t like happened, so it’s RUINED FOREVER and I’m leaving!” Oh, and quick: tell me your ships so we can work on sinking them. You ship Crunchy/Book Specs, don’t you? And you’re probably right. I tell you, sparks fly whenever those two are in the same room. Lots and lots of sparks.

In all seriousness, I try to avoid choosing trollfics for my riffs because they basically serve the same purpose a riff does (attacking bad trends in fanfiction, just through exaggeration rather than commentary), which makes riffing them a little… *Glances at DRD alarm* You know.

But I’ll let you in on a secret:

It’s not a big deal. I can’t speak for everybody else, but I’m here for fun, and if it’s fun to riff a trollfic, it’s fun to riff a trollfic. If you don’t like it, there are (usually) six other riffs posted every week for your viewing pleasure. I hate to resort to the “Don’t like, don’t read” defense, but it’s not like riffing this thing was some sort of error or oversight. So you thought it was pointless? OK, that’s a fair opinion. But where do these “standards” of ours come in? By all means, tell us how this “disappointment”-worthy lapse in quality (or… whatever your problem with it is) is worth throwing such a hissy fit? This riff is four months old! I’ll let Agig defend his own work, but I really think you’re making something out of nothing here.

Yeah, I like to Riff Trollfics for comedic purposes. I stopped with this one, however, for two reasons. First, it stopped being amusing. Second, it was no longer a good piece to criticize. Most Trollfics can at least be critiqued in a manner that shows what not to do, but there was little to elaborate on. It eventually jumped the shark again, but there were far better works to Riff, rather than the intermittent chapters between filler and shark-jumping.

Speaking of, I really need to get finished on that chapter of that RWBY fic I’m riffing.

It’s always EA, isn’t it? Why, their next horrible decision on (Insert franchise or MMO here) will cause such a massive loss of customers/subscribers that they’ll be forced to cater to my specific needs!