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Horoscopes: Your Future! Come Get It!

Aries:

Life is full of many beautiful and exciting opportunities. Don’t take any of them. Mediocrity is key.

Taurus:

The stars indicate — hold one a second, I can figure this out — the stars indicate — [checks star sheet] [turns star sheet upside down] [turns to assistant and whispers] … all I can see is a small ugly man crouching in front of five Mars Bars.

Gemini:

Due to some bizarre misconception you seem to think eating an entire bag of spicy Cheetos and an entire bottle of barbecue sauce is a wonderful idea … why?

Cancer:

Remember what that old blind fortune teller told you to do on September 19, 1973 when the moon was obstructed by the swelling clouds of an approaching storm? Me neither. It was probably pretty important though. Shoot.

Leo:

Make a strong start to your day! Get out of bed. Clean up the approximately three and a half inches of prime potting soil that litters the floor.

Virgo:

can move to Denver and sell my terrible art at sidewalk fairs without asking my step dad for another loan. My mismatched sock dry cleaning business didn’t work out and now I am $35,000 in debt.

Libra:

Go and smell the roses? I guess? Buddy, you’ve got to figure this out for yourself.

Soon you’ll awaken to find yourself in a strange alternate reality where Donald Trump is president and Pepe the Frog is a white supremacist symbol. Also, the United States has a “national scary clown problem,” to quote NPR.

Scorpio:

Funny how a baseball cap isn’t just called a baseball hat right? Really makes you think, what are the baseball cap corporations trying to hide from us? Wake up sheeple.