This is my. First post and I chose this board because I think addiction is my main problem. I have been an addict for 10 years. I know I need help but the problem is I'm too crazy to get it.

I am suffering from severe depression, SAD, bipolar disorder and who knows what else. According to the psychological test I took, I have everything!! I don't go out the house because I hate to get dressed and I feel so ugly(only in the winter. I quit my job every October because of it. I feel really depressed when it gets dark). I have no friends (not one), no mate, and I am 400 miles away from my original home. I hate it here. I have no life so when I get bored I do drugs. I get bored everyday. I feel like people are watching me. When I'm in the car I think I'm being followed. I often search for cameras in my home and set booby traps around my doors (I only experience this when I'm high) I isolate myself from the world. When I try to meet new people they always say I'm crazy. No one wants to be my friend. I'm reckless, can't control my money, and live for the thrill of breaking the law and not getting caught. My family has no idea how screwed up I really am. I put up a nice front. When I do get dressed I'm beautiful and I am also a compulsive liar. I'm very intelligent and I know how to manipulate people well. Especially ugly men (the cute ones always seem to know I'm crazy). They let me take advantage of them because I am pretty and just so they can see my face they give me what I want. In hopes that one day I might let them touch me. Never!! I don't do ugly. You think that's why I have no friends? And so I live a double life. Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder several times and committed 3 times. But each time I am locked away I put on my happy face and talk a awesome game. They say I don't need medication and release me. So I self medicate. Deep down inside I know it doesn't help, but now I can't stop. I want to stop. I need to stop. I have to stop. I have to believe that I am going to stop.

I hate doing drugs!! I hate the person that gives it to me. I guess I hate myself for taking them. I am always alone and it seems like doing drugs is the only thing I have. I don't want be ugly. I don't want to looked at like trash. I just want to be normal.

I strongly believe in God, but he won't help me because I won't help myself. But the truth is I simply just don't know how. But you know what..He does. And by writing this I can clearly see that. I even have a little more hope. Or it might simply be because the sun is coming up.

Whheewww. So glad I finally got that off my chest.

The following user gives a hug of support to jekylnhyde:Searchin (12-16-2010)

First of all you need to go back into the facility and show them this post. that will let them know the real problem. second of all you need to apply for disability because you are going to have a time managing your mental status for a while maybe a couple years maybe forever. You can always try to go back to work. They will even train you for a new career. I have an exhusband who could have been you talking about the cameras and all that stuff. But that is only when he is high on crack or meth. He acted the same way. It won't get any better unless you have the courage to do this.

I wish you well and hope you get your life straightened out. You didn't mention what kind of work you do.

All I can say is W O W !!! Oxygirl is correct. Hit control>P and take it to the nearest hospital. You definetly have a case.

You rationalize your irrational behaviour like I put toothpaste on my toothbrush. "Nothing to it".

I really wish I had one opportunity to be a professional. It would have been for this very moment reading this very post. I'm scared of you yet intrigued by you. I hate you yet I have a real respect for you. You tell it like it is with no reservation.

Very good post. I don't think you are asking for HELP. I think you are quite content using, stealing, lying and living off the insecurities of others. Other than that, you are good to go.

It does seem that after a while it wouldn't be hard to be a professional. I have an ex husband (who is still staying with me for now) that was a horrible addict and really still is. He doesn't want help and never will. He doesn't think he has an issue. He went from Pot and pills to crack and meth and pills. I could tell you anything you needed to know about it all!

Needless to say now that I am addicted to my pain meds he calls me an addict. I hate him for it. I do not buy pills on the street. I am just physically addicted to oxycodone. I have a legitimate reason for receiving it and am smart enough to know that it is also becomming a problem. I could never tell him that though because he won't shut up long enough to listen. It is one awful relationship that i am still trying to get out of. I am going to have to lose my house just to get rid of him. Cause when they evict me they evict him and he can't go where i am going to be going. I need a new start anyways. It is awful when you are ready to hit rock bottom just to move back up. Anyways I feel for jenkyl/hyde. But she scares me too. I had a friend somewhat like her and when she moved out of state it was a relief. She actually tried to sleep with my husband for drugs and he wouldn't do it. (she was not his type or he would have). So yeah I think at least she wants help or think she does anyways. I hope she gets it. I always like to think that someone who is willing to pull themselves out of that mess should have as much assistance as possible. I wish her luck. How are u by the way

You don't scare me. You spend entirely too much time alone and are left with nothing but your thoughts to feed off of. Bi-polars are hard to treat in that they tend to go on and off their medication. I can tell you that with meds you can have so much more than you do. I mean the extreme mood swings are enough to deal with as it is. You may find that a lot of your manipulative behavior will stop as well. But you would have to get some counseling. It all depends on what you want. Keep living erratically or have some peace in your life. Sincerely, searchin

You don't scare me. You spend entirely too much time alone and are left with nothing but your thoughts to feed off of. Bi-polars are hard to treat in that they tend to go on and off their medication. I can tell you that with meds you can have so much more than you do. I mean the extreme mood swings are enough to deal with as it is. You may find that a lot of your manipulative behavior will stop as well. But you would have to get some counseling. It all depends on what you want. Keep living erratically or have some peace in your life. Sincerely, searchin

Awwwwww thanks for the hug so glad there's @ least one person in the world who is not afraid of me. And the other poster is soooo wrong. I desperately want help. I have been to counseling. They are aware of my addiction but they never help. And just to keep the record straight, I don't sleep around for anything. As a matter of fact I don't have sex @ all!! I don't like ugly people touching me and I think everyone here is ugly. And I'm probably the ugliest one of all. So beautiful and yet so hideous. I don't want to be scary or crazy or make people afraid. I just want to live a normal life, which I somehow seem to manage in the warmer months. I didn't write this post to brag about being so deceiving and conniving. I thought that if I actually read the words they would some how help me to see the light. The thing is I am the only person who knows what I am capable of. The darkness that engulfs me sometimes. I don't allow others to see it. I don't let them get close enough. But I thank you guys for taking my honesty and bashing me with it. I honestly thought that in a forum like this I might get some....I don't know...SUPPORT. Crazy I might be, stupid (well besides doing drugs which believe it or not I was tricked into doing) I would like to be believe I am not. Off to find another forum that might actually accept me for what I am.

I am sorry. I certainly didn't mean to offend you in anyway. Consider moving to Florida. Seriously. I live in South Carolina but grew up in Ohio. I was more depressed as a teenager/young adult because of the dark. At least during the day in the winter the sun still shines.

Now in order to get help you have to take some constructive criticism. We all do. There has been times when I felt so low that I could have sunk to the Atlantic ocean and not been low enough! In your second post, you sound like a different person. I am suggesting you take the first one and print it out and keep it. That sounded like you were in a crisis at the time.

Please dont think any of us on here is any better or knows it all. We are all here for help and support and have our own demons to fight. I really do wish you luck girl.

The Following User Says Thank You to oxygirl For This Useful Post:jekylnhyde (12-16-2010)

I don't apologise for my comments. You say you came here for support and help and yet you haven't taken the first step.....and that is "TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF". You are only fooling yourself with your words. I have read the posts again for the 5th time and sorry, I don't see where you were bashed. If there was a negative comment directed toward you, there was a reason given for the comment. That is called........yup, SUPPORT.

No one will beg you to stay and you'll just come back under another name because you feed off the attention...negative or positive and there's an entry for that somewhere on this forum. No one knows you well enough to "hate" you, we are just giving opinions...who am I to judge you? I speak for myself when I say what I say but you didn't exactly come across as someone in need (EXCEPT attention) and that's probably why you received those comments.

I don't apologise for my comments. You say you came here for support and help and yet you haven't taken the first step.....and that is "TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF". You are only fooling yourself with your words. I have read the posts again for the 5th time and sorry, I don't see where you were bashed. If there was a negative comment directed toward you, there was a reason given for the comment. That is called........yup, SUPPORT.

No one will beg you to stay and you'll just come back under another name because you feed off the attention...negative or positive and there's an entry for that somewhere on this forum. No one knows you well enough to "hate" you, we are just giving opinions...who am I to judge you? I speak for myself when I say what I say but you didn't exactly come across as someone in need (EXCEPT attention) and that's probably why you received those comments.

So I wish you all the best in any future endeavours.

You are quite correct you don't know me. If you did you would know that I'm not the type to hide behind a new user name and I am definitely not an attention seeker. I don't know why you sound so angry but I assure you it is wasted on me. I love everyone and I don't remember complaining about being "hated". I prefer not to use the word. I didn't come here to argue or to make anyone feel sorry for me. And I don't remember asking for any apologies. I simply came in hopes of finding understanding people I could share my story with. You are most certainly entitled to your opinion but just be reminded that that's all it is. And thank goodness for that. I am a lot of things but the one thing I can be thankful for is the ability to see people for what they are and not force incorrect judgement upon them. So thank you. I don't feel so bad anymore. Maybe there's hope for me after all.

I agree. Which is why I am trying so hard to make this clean day #1. But the problem is I'm home alone, it's dark out, it's snowy outside, and there's money sitting right on the table next to me.........not good. And I jsut realized I never said what I was addicted to. The infamous cocaine. I don't smoke or drink so I guess that's a plus. But the depression gets to me. I got a divorce in 2007 (and he already has another wife and new baby born on my birthday), my son moved away to college in 2009 and my father passed away 3 weeks after that. So I feel quite lonely. Just need something to keep me occupied and motivated.

For what its worth, my demon also was the big C. I loved her. She changed my life for the worse. I am well over 150 days clean and I can tell you....there is no better high than how I feel straight.

You mentioned depression...well, from one C addict to another, remember the depression that sets in when you have to come down... that for me is enough to stay the hell away from it. If you were/are a chronic user like I was, I didn't see the come down as bad as I do now. I remember thinking..."I paid to feel this way?" You spend all that money and ruin your life so you can sit there sweating, staring at the wall, depressed as hell, trying to get more so you don't feel like crap or I should say prolong feeling like crap when you are just going to end up feeling crappier cuz you did too much...........christ? Isn't that enough?

I see you knew her very well. The staring at the walls is the worst. I hate feeling high and spending all my extra money. There's just this strange urge that I can't seem to shake. I think I'm going to print your post. And even if it only helps me to stay sober for one extra minute of my life it will be well worth the ink. Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Have you considered medication? Sitting in a dark room alone is clearly not helping your depression, not to mention your desire to use.

Yes, I have. But unfortunately the dr that I was seeing thought otherwise. He didn't want to give me "more drugs". Which to me was unbelievable. I know I have psychological issues and need medication. I was getting depakote and seroquel when I was home. The state I'm in now sucks! No help at all in my area. I'm in a little country town. Closest city is 40 miles away. So I have no choice bit to sit my room. But it is quite bright. I hate the dark. Which is why I use @ night. The time flies.... I am trying to stay clean now. I even went out and visited family until 2am trying so hard. But seeing everyone so happy makes me sad....