2012 World News Horoscope

Moonbeam Williams, Wonkie’s resident astrologer, is putting together a special annual horoscope tying together some major world events in 2012 with the zodiac. Below is a preliminary summary of the report. Moonbeam’s final astrological analysis will be available on 31 December 2012 and is expected to be, as usual, 100% accurate in all its predictions for the year.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21) – Being the aggressive, ambitious and often over-confident person you are, you are likely to lead the South African national revolt against the introduction of exorbitant toll fees in Gauteng. With trade union backing, you will bring the national highways to a grinding halt for weeks until the issue is resolved successfully with a 0.5% drop in toll fees. You will then go on to violently campaign against the job losses you helped enable by encouraging mass action. It’s ok though, what really matters is that you were right.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21) – With down-to-earth pragmatism, you will be quick to point out that the number of deaths in the revolution in Egypt in 2011 amounted to less than 80% of the total South African road fatalities over the December 2011 holiday season. Since Hosni Mubarak faces the death penalty for his actions in Egypt, you begin an active lobby to have the South African transport authorities executed. Fortunately for Sbu Ndebele, your activism fails miserably. However, you do go on to write a bestseller on how to get your driver’s license without having to take a test.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 22) – Your quick-wittedness finally pays off in 2012 as you use your skills to write eloquent speeches for presidential candidates in over 20 countries where national elections are taking place, from Moldova to Zimbabwe. Sadly, your evil twin has the same idea and makes as much money selling the same speeches to the opposition parties in those countries. You subsequently wind up on the most-wanted lists of over a dozen countries.

Cancer (Jun 22 – July 23) – 2012 is the year you truly embrace your crabby self and build a machine, the EmotoPower, to harness the power of emotional outbursts. Given the massive increases in the price of oil over 2012, you and your machine are suddenly befriended by many Western countries. Things go very well for you over the year, until the USA decides to invade Iran because, well, they can. Your extreme emotional burst at that point overloads the EmotoPower and the entire project literally ends in a sea of tears.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 24) – Your true leadership abilities come to the fore in 2012 when you undertake to coach Barack Obama in preparation for the US elections later in the year. After the first two hours of coaching, you decide you would be better off running for the presidency yourself. Your hard-hitting campaign throws off the opposition and creates enough national confusion to facilitate an unlikely presidential candidate getting into power.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23) – As a tidy clean-freak of note, you are hired by the City of London to clean up after the eventful 2012 Olympics. You befriend the oddest looking mascots in the history of world events and store millions of them neatly in warehouses around the world. Strangely enough by the end of the year, you know each of them, by name. They are your friends and you will never let anybody harm them. Ever.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) – In a stroke of good fortune, you are accidentally hired by the Eurozone countries to help balance their books and resolve their crisis. Your best-in-class indecisiveness when trying to figure out the best way forward is so astounding, that it shocks the Eurozone market into making a radical decision. You eventually rationalise that being persona non grata in Greece, Ireland and a few other countries was a small price to pay for global economic stability.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 23) – About half your year in 2012 is spent in anticipation of the Marvel super-hero movie, The Avengers. Convinced that your extremely vindictive nature should have at least landed you a cameo in the movie, you are very disappointed that the video clip you had recorded on your mobile phone was not used by the studio. You decide to exercise your wrath on Hollywood which sadly, does not end well for you. Still, on the upside, you do wind up getting international fame when the BBC interviews you on their award-winning documentary about stalkers and the people that love them.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – Your outgoing nature allows you to make the massive ANC centenary celebration a party that lives on throughout the year. In fact, you get into the Guinness Book of Records, for starting the longest afterparty ever recorded in history. The ANC, incidentally, also makes the record books in 2012 as the first political party that tried to create 5 million jobs by splashing out on a lavish party. The party leadership would later be quoted as saying “Well nothing else worked, so we thought we’d give it a shot.”

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 21) – Being industrious, practical and productive, you decide 2012 is the year you will leave your mark on the world. You move to China. There, with your new iPhone 5, you impart your significant materialistic aspirations to the masses. This plants the seeds for the political upset of the decade. You later decide to start a magic show after it is proven that you single-handedly managed to turn Chairman Mao in his grave.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 20) – Enigmatic as ever, you are responsible for numerous political revolutions, interesting coversations and technological innovations. Some will speculate that you are the creator of the soon-to-be released Windows 8, or the instigator behind the latest anti-corruption campaign in India, but nobody will ever really know the truth – except you. You will receive frequent offers to attend world events to add some mystery to the proceedings.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 21) – You spend the entire year dreaming about what will happen after the world ends in December 2012. Most of all, you wonder whether the fish will survive. Realising that it may well be your last year, you quit your job and decide to travel to India to find some spiritual answers. There, you exercise your creativity to the maximum and wind up making a small fortune on some colourful afterlife posters.

Wonkie and Moonbeam Williams wish you a very happy 2012. Please remember to take all your vacation before 21 December 2012, just in case the Mayans are right. Wonkie looks forward to spending its last year with you.

If you are still recovering from a New Year’s hangover and still need to make your resolutions, be sure to check out this great make New Year resolutions article today.

In many countries, it is traditional to gamble a little to kick off the New Year. In case you fancy trying your luck you may want to check out the top online casinos worldwide, a casino in India, or the best online casino South Africa directory for options. If you prefer more entertaining choices, then please visit Wonkie’s suggested sites for alternative recommendations on other types of sites.

These horoscpical predictions (or is it predilections) written by a Christianity reject (“Jesus wants me for a SUNbeam”) have made me decide that I shall now have a birthday EVERY month though I shall have to be very careful about the timing of some of my activities – like selling off the patents for the EmotoPower just before the invasion and getting my exit visas just before my twin brother’s s**t hits the fans.
Alternatively I think I will take my accumulated leave and start work this year on 22 December.
Shall I go to the Olympics? nah! I don’t think so – one of my alternative astrologers said that I would get a job there as a javelin catcher!

leave the mumbo jumbo of last year cause the past should have been an experience to remember. The present can only be an experiment and the future is only predictions. While we all have breath let us enjoy the positive energy around us and make each day special. Enjoy whatever may be in store for you for 2012. who knows we may never see 2013.

Peace and Notaround, may i please join you in an attempt to get Aries job. I am a Gemini, but writing speeches for presidential candidates, is just not my idea as Moonbeam predicted. May 2012 be a prosperous and happy new year for all of us. Wonkie, please give us the job!

Starting this week’s article: “Moonbeam’s final astrological analysis will be available on 31 December 2012 and is expected to be, as usual, 100% accurate in all its predictions for the year.”
At the end of the article accompanying the cartoon: “Wonkie and Moonbeam Williams wish you a very happy 2012. Please remember to take all your vacation before 21 December 2012, just in case the Mayans are right. Wonkie looks forward to spending its last year with you.”
I forgive the Wonkie staff for not knowing and thinking that, perhaps, the Maya were wrong about 21/12/2012, but Moonbeam Williams, the Astrologer, should know the future with certainty! If s/he doesn’t know the answer to this very important riddle how can we place any trust in the other predictions?
And, if the Maya were wrong and the world continues in a form somewhat similar to the present, does this mean that Wonkie will be retiring at the end of 2012?
I wish that all Wonkie addicts and all Flat Earth Society members who have not yet joined our merry band will campaign heartily throughout the year for a continuation beyond retirement so that we can continue to put right what is wrong in the world even if we have opposite views of what is wrong and how to put it right. After all not everyone thinks that Mzu is wrong for the world and, Heaven knows, we have so many ways in which we want to put THAT right!!!
Ah well!! only time will tell (and I don’t mean Time [or Newsweek or NatGeo etc]).