John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

It's sometimes difficult to stay to the end when someone you love is dying. (Published 1/28/2014)

Q:

In march of this year, I learned that my dad had lung cancer. I was devastated and I took time off from school to go support him and go to his appointments, etc. He went through radiation and was scheduled for chemo. By the time we got to his chemo appointment, he was too weak to even walk. When he arrived for his chemo appointment, he was already in a wheelchair. The Dr said that it was too late and left the room to call hospice. I wasn't there for this appointment, but I had arrived in town that day. (I was doing 3 days at home and 3 days in his town pretty much) His mother gave me the news. I went over to my dad's house and I crawled in his bed. And I promised him that I was in it for the long haul. And that I wouldn't leave until it was over. For the first few days after that, he was pretty normal, then suddenly he changed. I saw him exhibiting the signs of a dying person (picking at his sheets, not really being in 'reality'.) It was all downhill after that. His mother and I were doing 12 hour shifts to give him his medications to keep him comfortable. And I got scared. I saw him dying. I promised him that I wouldn't leave him until it was over, but I had to. I left him on a Wednesday. My aunt called on Friday and told me that things had changed and to come ASAP to say goodbye. When I got there I was so afraid at what I saw. He was in a hospital bed (at home), wearing nothing but a diaper, and gripping the bed rail. I laid down next to him and told him how much he meant to me. But I was still so scared. I spent 20 minutes with him and I left the room and told my boyfriend to take me home now. I was done. I was so scared to see him die that I left him. He died on father's day. I feel extremely guilty for leaving him. I’d just like to know if it's normal for someone to flee right before a loved one dies. I promised him, but I just couldn't do it. Thank you.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Brooke,

Thanks for your note and question.

There are no statistics that we’re aware of that would indicate how many or what percentage of people faced with the imminent death of someone important to them, are able to stay until the death occurs.

But, in our experience, having talked with many thousands of grievers, we can tell you that it happens a lot—therefore we would consider it well within the range of “normal.”

We can also tell you that two factors seem to be involved that dictate whether that might happen. One is the nature of the relationship you have with the dying person. If the relationship was good, positive, and you felt close to them, then it can be very difficult to see that person die. The second factor is described so well—and painfully—when you give the image of your dad in just a diaper. That is a very difficult image for anybody, and an especially difficult one for a daughter of her father.

There is a third element too. That is that most of must in modern times here in America, do not interact with death and dead bodies on any regular basis. Many people have never seen or touched a dead body—either one of their relatives or anyone else.

While the images you carry forward of your dad in those days just before he died are powerful and probably painful to recall, we think you must also recall your loving concern for him. For us, that is clear because on two separate occasions in your note, you crawled into bed with him. We can’t imagine anything more loving.

We can also suggest that with whatever awareness he had, he knew you were there loving and caring for him. We hope you can carry that image an idea forward with you in your life.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.