Archive for Why Men Marry

When I meet couples who have been together for some time and have finally come to the decision to marry, I often wonder why. Not that I’m against marriage in any way, shape or form; I think it’s great when people make that commitment. I’m just genuinely curious about what it is that drives them over that threshold. On the occasions when I have been forward enough to ask though, I have been disappointed by the response. For many, it ‘just seemed like the right thing to do,’ or one party ‘had always wanted to be married’ and so they take the plunge. It appears that the wedding will make no quantifiable difference to their relationship, and has no purpose but to change one party’s name and justify a big party.
Maybe that is why many men in relationships sometimes don’t rush to take that step – because they can’t see the point. We’ve all heard the saying, ‘why buy the cow if you get the milk for free,’ and while it is crudely put, there is a kernel of truth there. If being married will make no difference to the relationship, then men (being basic cost-benefit type machines) simply can’t understand the necessity. It seems like a waste of effort and money to make the change only to have virtually no effect. In my experience a number of men will eventually propose in order to achieve one thing – to keep their partner happy. Ultimately, that is the only difference it makes to them.
So what does this mean to the woman trying to get her man to commit? Before she starts leaving Bride and Groom magazines conspicuously on the coffee table, she needs to think about what it is she is trying to achieve.

* What is in the marriage commitment that doesn’t already exist in the relationship?

* What message does this process communicate to her, and to him, and to those around them both?

* And what outcome will they both enjoy as a result of being Mr and Mrs, that doesn’t come from being ‘significant others?’
The answers may vary between couples, but in my experience the one key difference between several years of living together and walking down the aisle is security. Although the substance of the relationship isn’t really affected, marriage is still like ‘locking the back door.’ Today’s divorce statistics make it clear that nothing has to be forever, but marriage certainly makes it harder to walk away from a relationship than most other arrangements. Where cohabitation can be reversed with a moving van and a weekend, a marriage is harder to dissolve. In this way it provides a sense of permanence, of stability and certainty. Both partners are assured in a culturally meaningful way that the relationship they live in is secure, solid and intended for life. While those things may be spoken and felt outside of a marriage, when they are uttered in a wedding ceremony they take on a deeper personal, cultural and legal weight.
So if you are expecting your man to pop the question, you might need him to understand it in these terms. He is not ‘making an honest woman’ of you – he is promising you that what you both feel and hold dear is real and lasting. Instead of looking at it as a dead tradition, he needs to see it as a symbolic affirmation of what you both have invested yourselves in. It’s not something superficial, but a commitment to the substance of your relationship. This is a quantum shift in thinking, and there needs to be careful communication in order for it to happen. He needs to see that the impetus is not an insecurity, but a pledge of greater security; a closing out of any suggestion there could be that he doesn’t want what you both have to grow, flourish and last.

Men must have security in a relationship to feel safe and comfortable. There are a number of problems currently facing many men in feeling secure enough in their relationship to want to propose. One of those reasons is the fact that divorce statistics are now showing that between 63 – 80% of divorces are initiated by women.

If men must have security within a relationship to get married, then this plays a big fact in the back of any man’s mind when it comes to proposing to a woman. For the large majority of men when it comes to marriage, they see themselves being in the marriage till the end. This is why they need to feel they will receive the same kind of security in return.

There are ways to help a man realize that he has nothing to worry about and that he should feel completely secure within your relationship to take the next step ===> Securing His Proposal

Sincerely,

Paul Wright

P.S. Do you have a question you would like Dan to answer, or any of the other guys at Women Men Marry:

1) Please be specific when you ask your question. Asking questions like “Why are men jerks?” is not enough information to go on, to provide a decent response. What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?

Why are men so afraid of marriage? Why are all guys so scared of proposing to a woman they love? Why can’t I find a man that wants to get married?

The answer to this question is, men are not afraid of marriage. What men are scared of is marrying or committing to the wrong woman. There is not a single man alive that would not be willing to marry a beautiful model, who is intelligent, financially successful and has the heart of an angel. In fact many of these commitmentphobes women talk about would jump on a opportunity like that faster then most other men.

It is not that these men are afraid of marriage, its just he might be afraid of marrying you. That might sound mean, but you have to understand that the reason he is hesitant is because he has seen something within you that makes him a bit uneasy. Instead of jumping into marriage with you, he is holding off to make sure what he has seen doesn’t get any worst.

What you have to understand about men is we never to rarely ever think about the future when it comes to relationships. The only time we get a glimpse of the future is when we see something we don’t like. When we are just starting to date a woman, we call these moments “Red Flags” as they are meant to warn us about getting into a relationship with this person. When a man is in a monogamous long term relationship with a woman, these future glimpses become even more powerful and scary.

The reason they become so powerful is because he knows who you are now, he knows how you act, he has seen you at your best when the relationship was all passion and fireworks, and he has seen you at your worst. He has also seen you change as a person, he knows what you want in a relationship and what you expect out of a relationship. He has a clear mental map of his life with you in it.

Then one day he may notice something that will change his calculation of how his life will be with you in the future. This could be a number of things, a prime example may be nagging. In the beginning of the relationship you never nagged, you both got along so well. Now you may nag him at least once a day.

Once he realizes this he will do a quick calculation in his head. “If she presently nags me once a day, then that means 10 years from now, when we’re married she will nag me 10x more each day.”

This calculation can be used on anything in the relationship, ie: always upset, screaming, crying, never happy, depressed, over shopping, irresponsible behavior, etc.

There is also a similar calculation for moments when his needs are not being met. For example “If we only make love once a month which is not enough, then that means in 10 years, we will be having sex once a year or less.” He knows that if his needs are not being satisfied now, then he is definitely in for an unsatisfied life in the future if he gets married.

So what does he do? He slows the idea of marriage down. He bides his time and waits to see how you will change before he will make any decision about marrying you.

Why doesn’t he talk to you about how he is feeling? Every man knows saying “Sweetie, I love you, but you really do some things that make me question whether marriage is even a possibility with you.” is a one way ticket to the biggest and worst argument of his life. Instead of having this inevitable blow up, he will wait and watch.

Is this the right way to do it? Probably not, but when a man who naturally doesn’t ever think about the future gets that shocking glimpse of a tragic and terrifying future it can be scary. So you have to keep in mind, it is not the fact he is scared of marriage. In fact he is not even scared of marrying you. He is scarred of the future you that doesn’t even exist. To get him to want to get married you need to learn how to show him what an amazing future he will have and how all his calculations are wrong. To learn more go to ===> How To Get Your Boyfriend To Propose

Sincerely,

Paul Wright

paulwrigth@decodingmen.com

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