Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

I watched Frost Giant (so you wouldn’t)

I have a short list of guilty pleasures that include, listening to The Smiths, watching R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet saga, Waka Flocka songs, and SyFy movies.

Most of the SyFy movies involve some hybrid animal (like the highly anticipated Sharktapus) or some creature that came from underneath the earth and/or out of space. I truly appreciate when they combine all three elements into one film.

Tonight’s feature film is The Frost Giant. The TiVo description for the movie: “A man battles a gigantic snow creature. I guess that’s all we need to know. I guess that’s all we need to know.”

I decided to log the movie by the minute. The action begins at the 2:00 mark in the film.

2:00 – A group of travelers in 1825 look for a meteor that crashed in the ice. A smoke emerges from the rock using the snow around it to form The Frost Giant. It looks sort of like a poor man’s version of the alien from Men in Black.

4:00 – The Frost Giant attacks the guy after he gives the “We mean you no harm” speech. That’s cold blooded! Syfy doesn’t wait to get the action started.

4:25 – SyFy’s first poor transition of the night. Last I looked it was 1825 now I see helicopters and people playing video games at some arctic post. I’m just going to assume we are in present time.

5:00 – Uh Oh! Looks like we got two black guys in this film. There is no way they both live through this movie. Black Guy #1 looks like he’s loose cannon.

7:00 – Superman shows up…………I mean Dean Cain. He’s even wearing a red sweater. Comedy! I’m not sure if I’m excited to see Dean Cain or excited to see a face I recognize.

11:00 – JC (Cain) has an Ice Queen for an ex. She wants them to both go along with their lives, even though they’re stuck on a remote outpost together.

14:00 – We realize that JC and his crew are looking for a missing ship buried 100 ft beneath the ice. I’m going to assume this ship has some valuable artifacts on it that will make them all millionaires. Why else would you dig 100ft in the middle of nowhere?

17:00 – No treasure chest on the ship. It looks like they found some dead bodies on the ship and decide to bring one in. Maybe they shouldn’t leave the Dr. alone with the dead body. I bet you that human Popsicle stinks.

27:00 – It’s a family affair! We learn that JC’s great-great-grandfather was on the ship. It seems JC has some other motives. He wants to know what happened to Grandpa JC and how the ship crashed.

29:00 – The Frost Giant claims its first victims. RIP Dez and Dimitri. They were having a conversation when the Frost Giant came out of nowhere. When the team heads down to see what happened, they find the two bodies. Ice Queen says whatever killed the people on the ship, killed Dez and Dimitri. Things just got worse – there is a storm coming in. The line of the movie so far, “Half of your crew is DEAD. Screw you. Screw this company.” Body count: 2

36:00 – [See video above] Cameron and Ridley are on the run. Ridley’s snowmobile didn’t start and he followed up with the genius move of using his tranquilizer gun on the Snow giant. Big mistake. He got shot with an ice bullet. Body count: 3

41:00 – Cameron blows up his snowmobile and we find out that heat weakens the Snow Giant. JC and his crew take off to find Cameron, but when they found him he was dead as a doorknob. Cameron put up a nice fight for a guy that was definitely going to die. Body count: 4.

50:00 – The storm hit. “We’ll never make it in this weather” speech has already been given. The team barricades themselves inside the post. One smart guy tries to leave on the helicopter gets a very bad case of frost bite and crashes. Body count: 5.

57:00 – Surprise of the night: The two black guys are still alive. I’m shocked but I think one is going down in the next 15 minutes. Looks like Ice Queen is in on letting this creature loose. She’s not girlfriend material for trying to get everyone killed.

62:00 – We get a flashback about what’s happening when JC reads Grandpa JC’s journal. While JC is having story time, someone has to go get fuel to make sure the generator stays on. Who’s going? The only two black guys. “I got ya back.” You can’t send BOTH black guys. That’s somewhat racist. Someone said, “I’ll hold up in this post but NOT with two black guys. Has anyone seen my purse?” That line wasn’t in the movie but it should’ve been.

75:00 – We find out that our frosty friend came in on a comet from Venus. He must be a dummy because he didn’t land in Miami like I would if I was an alien.

77:00 – The one black guy gets murdered. The other black guy makes it back but the door is jammed. The innocent girl fixing the door gets killed too. Now we find out the creature likes the heat. I’m so confused. Black Guy #2 uses the flame thrower on him. Body count: 7

78:00 – Black Guy #2’s arm is turned into ice. They save him buy breaking his Popsicle arm off and stop the bleeding with a hot iron. That’s the Rambo way you close up a wound.

80:00 – We’ve got a timetable. They have until the end of the storm to destroy the creature. I’m not sure that even makes sense but we know this movie has to end before sunrise.

91: 00 – More bedtime stories from the journal reveal how the creature got trapped. The brave crew members lured the creature onto the ship and sunk it into the ice with the monster trapped inside.

97:00 – The Frost Giant has made it inside. The plan? Not sure what the plan is but it looks like they’re trying to trap the creature inside. JC picks up on the creature “learning and adapting”. That’s sort of a stretch but I’ll go with that theory. One more crew member is down. Body count: 8

110:00 – It looks like the plan is to decompress the creature in a sealed room. The nerdy doctor is sacrificing himself. In his teary farewell speech he says “I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ll be back in the spring.” Body Count: 9

115:00 – We reached the Battle Royale. JC takes on the Frost Giant with his big motorized drill and pins it against a boulder. He blows up the boulder trapping him in the ice with the monster. He writes in the journal with a glow stick until the light goes out. Body count: 10

119:00 – Rescue is on the way and you see another comet streak across the screen. Uh oh! Looks like we have another Frost Giant and a potential Frost Giant 2!

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.