Writing for Woman's World Magazine and others. Half critique. Half blog. Half not so hot with math.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Appearing in issue #12, March 24, 2014

Title:
Murder’s all the rage

By
Author: Richard Ciciarelli

Tag line:Heather had made someone very angry.
Now the detective had to figure out who!

Police characters: Detective Penny Gray and Sgt. Mike Howard.

The gist:Det. Penny is called to the scene and
let in the house by Sgt. Howard, who tells her the back door was open and it
was his opinion that’s how the killer got in. Penny noticed the dining room was
set with a lace tablecloth, china plates, and a vase of pink roses in the
center.The lady of the house was lying
on the kitchen floor dead, with a knife jutting from her back.Her husband told Penny that he and his wife
had been having problems but tonight’s dinner was a celebration of their
reconciliation.He said he even stopped on
the way home at the florists to buy her her favorite pink roses, but when he
came home he found her dead.

Additionally
he said his wife was the school principal and just a few days ago had suspended
two students for smoking in school.The
fathers of the two students ‘went crazy’ and confronted her. Things got so out
of hand security had to be called.The
first father said his son was just offered a basketball scholarship but will now
not be able to qualify because of the suspension.The second father was upset that his
daughter, who had a good shot at becoming class valedictorian, was now out of
the running.Both men felt the principal
could have given a less harsh punishment that wouldn’t ruin the plans of their
kids.

Father number
one had been siding a house when the murder occurred and said the occupants
were on vacation and he had no witness. The second father owned a convenience store
and stated he was the only one working that day.The second father acted a bit hostile at
being questioned.

It was noted
that the victim’s home address was easily accessible from the phone book, and
that her house backed up to a patch of woods where someone could approach
unseen.

Penny knew
who the killer was.

Crime scene:Principal’s home.

Clues:Pink roses in the vase.

Suspects: The husband, one or more of the two fathers,
or some crazy man who came out of the woods.

Red herrings: Father #2 was acting hostile. Neither father had an alibi.The back door was open.

Solution: The husband said he stopped to buy roses and
came home to find his wife dead…yet the roses were in the vase on the table.After further questioning he admitted that
his wife was not interested in reconciling and was going to file for a
divorce.

My two cents:Let’s start with the police, my favorite
part.The sergeant wouldn’t call in a
detective, who is of less rank, to work the case.They might work it together, but the story has
him basically being the doorman, waiting for a ‘real’ detective to show
up.The door would be manned by a
uniformed officer.Perhaps they were
called in together and he just got there first. But that’s not the way it
reads.Okay, I’m picky about stuff like
that. So sue me.

Next:the clue was revealed pretty much at the
beginning of the story.Once I read it,
I didn’t feel the need to read further…but I had to to do this blog. The clue wasn’t hidden well.

Next: this
is just an observation on my part and doesn’t reflect on the story or the
author. The two fathers, in my opinion,
should have put the blame where it belonged, on their two smoking kids.Those kids messed up their opportunities, not
the principal, who was following school department protocol.That the parents confronted the principal and
caused a scene just shows that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Next:There are sets of rules that each principal
must follow.These rules are mandated by
the school board in their district.Principals have little leeway.To
be angry at the principal because she is following the rules when she imposed
sanctions against kids who were not following the rules is just ignorant.More importantly, does it warrant murdering
someone over?And you might get one
moron father in this situation, but two?The circumstances in this story lack credibility.

Next:What’s the motive again?Many, many people want to get divorced.They don’t stab their spouses for
asking.Was he going to lose his house,
his business, his reputation? Did they
have a terrible fight?I would have
liked more in this area.

This wasn’t
a bad story.But it wasn’t a great story
either.Sort of in the middle, hence the
two stars.

34 comments:

Chris
said...

I'm with you on the boneheaded fathers, Jody, they really annoyed me. But that doesn't mean they weren't good possibles for the killing. Stupid people do stupid things. We've all seen ignorant people ranting about stuff and thought - but YOU did the dumb thing to start with, so live with the consequences. For me, they were good red herring suspects.

I was more surprised to see the flowers in the vase solution used again, as I'm sure I saw an almost identical one a few weeks ago. Or is my memory playing tricks on me?

Other than that I thought the story was nicely written - if only that clue hadn't got another airing.

@ Chris. So true -- about the stupid people. The world is full of them. I'm not sure about the clue. Maybe I should go back and make a folder of all of the clues already used. Although, it doesn't seem to matter one bit as they get reused all the time...so maybe I'll just save my breath. (Chris, is 'save my breath' a term familiar in the UK?)

I thought the story ended with the pink roses. That would be really short. Also, rules are often set aside for exceptional students. Well, I live in California and I don't even know anyone who smokes any more. Stringent laws against it, so it is inconvenient in the extreme to find a smoking place. Maybe outside in the rain.

And Jody, in case you haven't noticed, the word "whom" has gone the way of the dinosaurs. I think who was the correct word in the tagline anyway. ...the question was who did it. I cannot see it from here, and I don't remember exactly what it said.

Chris, The rose solution was almost a duplicate of the housekeeper putting away the groceries, even though there was a body on the floor story from just two weeks ago. I thought the exact same thing when I read it. Does anyone have any rough idea just how many mystery stories are submitted to WW on a weekly or monthly basis? Previously I thought I read somewhere it was around 400 month? Too high? Too low?

Not my imagination then. I suppose, to be fair, there are only so many plots and scenarios available to play with, but it did ring a bell as being a repeated solution done up in a different guise. Not that that is the author's fault. Given how long the selection process takes, they won't have known someone had done something similar when they submitted it.

I've no idea how many subs WW get each month, Michael, but if it's as many as 400 it's no wonder it's so hard getting a yes. That's stiff competition.

@ Michael. According to the Novel & Short Story Writers Markets from several years ago, WW receives 2500 submissions per month. Don't know if that's still the case, but I bet it's not far off. The current N&SSWM doesn't say.

@Mary Jo. The tag line was: Now the detective had to figure out who! With the hated/obligatory exclamation point of course. I think (wouldn't bet money on it and I hate the who/whom thing) the answer would be "It was him or her" and that would be whom. My head is starting to hurt. My spell checker said to change it...if that means anything.

I know it's antiquated but you'd think a mag like WW with its gazillion editors would be more...I don't know...proper in their English? As writers we're expected to do out best work...that should go both ways IMO. ((grumble grumble))

2500, if that is near the total, it would be interesting to know how many get dropped off at the various points of the selection process. I would guess a vast majority get cut at first read due to length or just lack of a cohesive story?

@ Michael. that's my guess. The first readers weed out the best ones and send them on. Johnene is the second weeder-outer. Then the final decision is made by the top editor. Johnene has been overruled at times by the Big Kahuna.

@ Chris...yes, but it makes the sale even sweeter to know your story was chosen from the massive pile. It also explains why some great stories get rejected. The first reader probably gives each submission a quick first-page glance, and if you don't catch his/her eye right away (which would warrant a full reading of your story) your baby is tossed in the rolling bin that gets pushed over to the rejection minions who stuff your SASE with that evil standard rejection letter and then gleefully send it down the mail chute. May they suffer paper cuts on both hands.

The marching orders (as of last year anyway) are:Patricia Gaddis, first reader, North Carolina. I've also gotten South Carolina post marks as well at this stage. It's just a guess, but maybe she lives on one side and works on the other. Or there may be a slew of people under her.Next: Johnene Granger, Seattle. Last: Stephanie Saible, New Jersey. Editor in Chief. She has the final say.

Very funny, ladies -- the evil thoughts, that is. Jimmy Meiss told a friend of mine that between the two -- mysteries and romances -- they get 30,000 per year. She read them (now it would be Gaddis)and sent her picks in a big box to Granger in Seattle. I'm assuming that Granger then sends her picks-of-the-week to EIC. I've had a few that were selected by Granger and rejected by EIC. In those cases, Granger's note has read, "I'm sorry this cute romance didn't make it" -- in all cases it was a romance; I've written a lot more romances than mysteries. Right now I'm rushing to the mailbox for one of each -- and they are beyond late. I wonder what's going on.

Yes, I was speaking of Jimmy the first editor (now Patty Gaddis). I never knew whether she worked at home. Just that she was approachable and would chat on the phone. She also was oepn to re-writes, just with the "no promises" stipulation. I've been hesitant to call Patty Gaddis, and I know better than to call Johnene. Sometimes I email Johnene; sometimes I get a response, sometimes not. (I need an editor to remove some of my "sometimses". ha ha)

I emailed Johnene when I had to send my story in after acceptance. She was very pleasant and spoke about what they look for in a mystery story, especially the clue. That seems to be the key. (of course, basic grammar and story flow goes without saying)The clue should be IN the story, and not to make the reader try and come up with the solution on their own (without back-up in the story).

Which makes me wonder why so many of the stories don't follow that rule. It's a given that the way to solve the mystery should be there for the reader to find, yet how many do we see where the solution reveals something we hadn't been told before? That's what's so galling sometimes.

Johnene rejected one of my stories because I didn't reveal the clue. I realized after I sent it that I could have added one sentence of dialogue (by a detective) and solved the problem. I was hoping she wouldn't catch it; I planned to add the revealing sentence when I emailed the accepted story to her. Hah! She was on top of it. Then I read others that have no such revelation, and I wonder how they got through..... I've submitted a similar story and am awaiting word now -- and it's late.

Hi Jody, I just got back to your site and found the grammar question. First of all, as I am sure you know, by rules of grammar, "It was he or she." Whom is an objective case. Who is the noun, and also the guy who did it.

You really get people going here. We should have a party.

I am still in love with my Waffle Club group. Unfortunately, I am not a very good mystery writer, but I hope I am learning.

Mom on my porch, doing the same jigsaw puzzle she does every day.

Kayla, my granddaughter. :)

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Want help with your story?

My day job puts me in contact with real cops, detectives, FBI agents and DEA guys. I have worked thousands of cases from the homeless guy on the Metrorail who got arrested for jumping the turnstile -- that’s right, arrested for not having a quarter -- to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who strangled hookers along the famous trail in Miami. I produce court transcripts for a living.

Who better to look at your mystery stories to see if the police procedures are true, the clues are solid and the whole thing works? I will not hesitate to point out the good, the bad and the ugly in your story. Both of my WW mysteries made it to Johnene. From there? Cross your fingers.

The line-by-line edit, which also includes grammar, spelling and proofing, will offer suggestions on how to improve problem spots. The cost is $29 payable by PayPal. 72-hour turn around time.

I’ll also take a second look once you’ve revamped your story, but this time I’ll only look for glaring errors assuming all the details you chose to put in you want to stay in.

Send your story as a Word e-mail attachment to ladyrprter at aol dot com, and the fee to PayPal using ladyrprter at aol dot com for the payee

Your tag line is the hook that gets someone interested in reading your work. It's one of the most important lines of your story. Take time to make it sparkle.

Criminals don't always think the crime through--especially if the crime is one of passion or revenge--but don't have them make stupid or stilly mistakes just to get your story written. Make the mistakes something that you just normally don't think about. Like the pruning skin in this story.

You don't always have to have crime scene details to make a mystery story work. Cozy mysteries sell well if you make the characters interesting.

Once again WW chose a story with a female cop and little old ladies. Just remember to use the proper words for the crimes and before you say things like, he jimmied the lock, understand just what that is.

You've only got 700 words. Make them count. Don't waste words on things that don't matter. And NEVER give a clue and then later in the solution change it to the opposite. That's not fair. Just how is the reader supposed to figure it out then?

There are many ways to lay out the solve-it-yourself story. You don't always have to have the reader guess who the perp is. This week's story was presented with a fresh angle. We knew who did it. The question was did she cover her tracks well enough to fool the police?

As writers we often ask the reader to suspend disbelief a bit, but don't overdo it. Keep it as real as you can or you'll lose the reader.

If you have four suspects, have four good motives. Otherwise what's the point in having four suspects? It is almost a sin to have four suspects and not have even one decent red herring in the bunch. That's just a waste of words.

When the reader expects one situation, and gets another, that's really a form of a red herring. I expected a tired old theory and was given the surprise of a fresh twist. As the reader I was tricked...and that's a good thing.

When you reuse characters be sure to make them interesting and likable. Being cranky is not the same as being interesting. Be careful to not let one of them become mean. It's hard to like someone who calls people names and teases them about their not so glorious past.

Don't introduce a main character too late in the story. The reader feels cheated.

You don't always have to have police involved for a mystery to work. Be realistic if you are going to use animals in your story. Lassie wasn't real.

Write in more than one good motive. Two or three people could have done it, but only one has the means and opportunity to go with that motive.

I realize you only have 700 words to get in your story, but use every one of those words wisely. Don't repeat to fill the space. If your story is really done in 350 words, your story is too simple.

Try not to use the same old tired solutions. We're writers. Come up with something new and interesting. Treat the readers to a challenge. If I see one more muddy footprint on a white carpet...I'm going to hurt somebody.

Readers like to follow the same characters. Once you sell a mystery to WW, try building up a following by using the same police characters in future stories. Do us all a favor though... make them likable.

I know I'm repeating myself (talk about deja vu) but please try your very best to come up with a fresh twist or interesting solution that hasn't been done before. We want WW readers to LOVE this mystery page...not become bored with it.

Don't use too many names in your story. It just confuses the reader. The story this week handled this extremely well. You knew who you were reading about from the character's description. It all flowed well and never pulled the reader out of the story.

A short story is really just a very short novel. The same rules apply. Give us characters we will love and care about. Don't have them doing silly things.

Once again we have someone not acting right. Check your facts. Check your facts. Check your facts. Did I mention you should ALWAYS check your facts? Getting the details right should just be a given.

Make sure the solution makes sense. Common sense. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? Think? How would you act? Don't throw in a rotten fish just for smell.

Know the proper use of words. Men don't leer at each other -- generally. lol. Don't make up a silly details to fit your story line. Make sure everything works and people act in character.

UPDATE: Woman's World has changed their rights clause.

Q: It used to be WW had FNSR, first rights with a 6-month clause. Has that changed?

A: Yes. It used to be first serial rights which meant the magazine had the right to be the first place to publish the article/story/ poem in North America (USA and Canada) and after the piece ran, you were free to resell it to another medium or to package a collection of your work into a book.

However in 2014 Bauer Publishing has changed to this:

License to Bauer Publishing for User Content. You grant to Bauer Publishing the unrestricted, unconditional, non-exclusive, unlimited, worldwide, irrevocable, perpetual and royalty-free right and license to host, use, copy, distribute, reproduce, disclose, sell, re-sell, sub-license, display, perform, transmit, publish, broadcast, modify, reformat, translate, archive, store, cache or otherwise exploit in any manner whatsoever, all or any portion of your User Content for any purpose whatsoever in all formats; on or through any media, software, formula or medium now known or hereafter developed; and with any technology or devices now known or hereafter developed and to advertise, market and promote the same.

About Me

Following sixteen years as a travel agent (more travel than money) Jody Lebel switched gears, returned to school and became a court reporter (more money than travel). She swapped jetting off to fun and exotic locations for reporting the cases of murderers, rapists, and thieves who are, by the way, almost never in a good mood. Being assigned to the chief judge in Broward County exposed her to a wide spectrum of cases; from funny to tragic to bizarre to downright creepy. She has reported everything from a homeless guy who had jumped the turnstile on the Metrorail and was now in jail for not having a quarter, to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who murdered six women. ******
Contact me at ladyrprter at aol dot com

Woman's World Info ...

In 1981, Heinrich Bauer Verlag of Hamburg, West Germany, one of Europe's largest magazine publishers, entered America's highly competitive women's service magazine field when it launched the weekly Woman's World. The magazine quickly set itself apart from the rest of the pack. Other women's magazines of the day were mostly thick slick tomes bursting with ads, and featuring articles geared to upwardly mobile readers. Woman's World, on the other hand, offered a high-quality tabloid-style format light on ads that was aimed at middle-class moms who wanted practical advice on food, fashion, parenting, and beauty and health tips. The public soon took notice. Woman's World quickly became the most popular weekly women's magazine in the country.

Today, Bauer Publishing USA, headquartered in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, is the number one seller of magazines on newsstands in the United States, generating an annual $320 million dollars in single copy revenue. It publishes two of the top five selling titles on the newsstand-Woman's World and In Touch Weekly. For several years running, Woman's World, a fixture at supermarket checkout stands everywhere, was the most popular newsstand magazine of any kind. As it celebrates its 25th anniversary in 2006, Woman's World remains the #1 selling women's publication on newsstands, selling more than 77 million copies in 2004. First for Women, another Bauer publication was second in sales with 25 million. Far back in the pack in third place was Woman's Day, with sales of 16 million newsstand copies.

Woman's World celebrated its 25th year on the newstands in 2006. This weekly publication is the number one newsstand seller with a yearly circulation of well over 84 million. Don't underestimate this little magazine. Woman's World is very popular with middle class women for many reasons. The price is nice, at $1.79 and it has very few ads and none of those annoying subscription cards inside. Every single page is jam packed with information and the romantic fiction and a solve-it-yourself mystery are a nice bonus. The features makes you feel good too.

Woman's World Fiction Guidelines

WOMAN'S WORLD FICTION GUIDELINES Mini mystery guidelines: We purchase short "solve-it-yourself" mysteries of 700 words--a count that includes the narrative and the solution. Stories should be cleverly plotted, entertaining cliffhangers that end with a challenge to the reader to figure out “whodunit” or “howdunit.” The solution to the mystery is provided in a separate box.Robbery, burglary, fraud and murder are acceptable subjects, but spare the readers any gory details or excessive violence, please! We are also not interested in ghost stories, science fiction or fantasy.We pay $500 per mystery and retain all rights after publication.IMPORTANT NOTES:Manuscripts should be double-spaced in legible size type.Where to send manuscripts:

If you have not previously been published by Woman's World magazine: Fiction@WomansWorldMag.com to Patricia Gaddis' attention If you have had a romance or mini-mystery published by Woman's World:FictionPro@WomansWorldMag.com to Patricia Gaddis' attention

Get to know us: Please familiarize yourself thoroughly with our romances and mini mysteries before submitting your work.Be patient: Because we receive a tremendous volume of manuscripts, our turnaround time may range from one to three months. If you still have not heard from us after four months, feel free to submit your manuscript t another publisher. Please do not call or write us to inquire about a manuscript's status.

My track record --

I took Kate Willoughby's workshop on how to write for Woman's World magazine. I highly recommend it. Go to her blogspot site at womansworldstyle.blogspot.com for more info.

Then I sat down and wrote my first romance story for WW. That was in July 2012. It sold in November 2012 and appeared in the December 31st issue.