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A (late) Festivus airing of grievances

“I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” – Frank Costanza.

How, oh how could we have forgotten the most fun part of Festivus, the Airing of Grievances? The popular holiday, created by Frank Costanza who was tired of the commercialism and religious aspects of Christmas, urges followers to let loved ones know all of the ways they have disappointed them in the past year.

Of course Festivus is Dec. 23, not Dec. 24, but we forgot to write about it yesterday. So sue us.

So here is a brief airing of grievances a day late on a day that has no other significance other than being the day after Festivus.

• 70 degree weather on Christmas – Hey look, every other day in the winter, if it’s 70 degrees out I’m pumped up. Not on Christmas. I don’t want rain and arguments with my wife about whether or not we need to turn off the heater and put on the air conditioner (do you think freon grows on trees, HUH, DO YA?). Can we at least get it down to 39 degrees? I think that’s a good compromise.

• Alaa Abdelnaby being way too positive about the 76ers – I get it. You’re the new color man for the 76ers, you don’t want to be a prickly pear, but you are allowed to criticize a team that is 1-30. Actual quote from Abdelnaby from last night’s game against the Bucks (another horrendous loss).

“Watch out, it’s now a 17 point game!” – This was with about 11 minutes left in the fourth quarter and the Bucks immediately went on a 10 point run.

You’re not Tom McCarthy, Alaa, rip into them a bit. We’ll love you for it.

• Sports Pickle – I fucking hate SportsPickle. Maybe a few years ago it was amusing, but now it’s just garbage. Billed as The Onion for sports, it’s not even close. Nobody is. Hell, we’re not even close but we’re a shit ton better than SportsPickle. •

Hmmm….lets see what SportsPickle is writing about today.

“Danny Amendola Pretty Sure Who His Secret Santa is After Receiving Ninth Pair of UGGs.”

HILARIOUS. Remember five years ago when people made fun of Tom Brady for two days because he wore Uggs somewhere? Yeah, me neither. Wipe shit on your computer screen and it will be funnier than anything you’ll ever read at SportsPickle.

Read the Coggin Toboggan instead. You’ll live longer and reading us has been 100% proven to cure some types of cancer (it doesn’t).

• Festivus – Oh sweet irony. Yes, the fake holiday has officially jumped the shark after my department boss jokingly said someone was going to have to complete the feats of strength before the day could end, and then had to give a 15 minute explanation to the clueless 21 year old intern who never watched Seinfeld because of its “lack of political correctness. Hey, why didn’t he ever have black people on the show? Answer that.”

I’m not sure, why don’t you go drive your car into a bridge abutment.

• The Eagles possibly making the playoffs – We don’t need this. We just don’t. They’re not going anywhere and it gives Chip Kelly more unearned confidence as an effective GM.

It’s like opting for surgery for a sick parakeet. Sure it may lengthen his life for a month or two, but in the end he’s just a $5 bird you bought at Petsmart that has kidney failure.