This blog is solely written to convey the many thoughts and feelings I, Alicia Marie, experience throughout my day to day life. Along the way, I hope to bring my readers something they can relate to. My purpose is to make people smile, and to cry (tears of joy, that is), and to make them feel like they're not alone in this world.

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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

They that wait upon the Lord

Sorry for the delay in posting on here, I've been busy building my marriage back to pre-infertility status. I've been focusing on my husband and lifting him up rather than focusing on the things I cannot change and the unknown future. I knew that infertility took a lot out of me mentally, physically, and spiritually, but I had NO idea how much it ran my life. Since our decision, I've sort of been in limbo land. You know, that place in life where nothing important is happening, but there isn't anything we're actively seeking for the future? Yeah, that's where I'm at.

Since the last post, I've spent many, many hours cooking, cleaning, and laughing WITH my husband. We haven't done those three things together in over a year and a half. It's nice. I feel like I have my relationship with my husband back. Slowly but surely, I'm coming back to the real Alicia. Luke and I have gone back to church after (too many) months away. We've found a small (but growing) church in a town nearby where the people truly invest in the lives of their members and treat them as family. I've never felt more welcomed by any church than I have at New Beginnings Community Church. In the month that I've been there, I've gained new friendships that are truly uplifting and encouraging. There's rarely a day that goes by that I don't get a call, text, or a facebook comment from someone in the church wanting to check on me and see how I'm doing. They're always so uplifting and I truly know that when they say they're praying for me, they mean it! It's a nice feeling knowing that I'm loved and cared for by such amazing people! I am finally back to the place in life where I look forward to the next time I will get to go to church; I love it that much!

The past 10 days since our decision to not pursue infertility treatment has gone surprisingly well. I am much stronger than I ever imagined I would be, but I know-without a doubt- that my strength has come from the Lord above. I went all of last week without shedding a tear over infertility (one small battle at a time!), until Friday night. I wanted to do something special for Luke for being so supportive of my hormonal self throughout the last year and 7 months that I cooked an entire meal (you know it had to have been special when I volunteered to cook!). I cleaned off the dining room table (that hasn't been used in MONTHS) and even used our fancy tea glasses! It was a very yummy meal. We laughed and carried on conversations during dinner, but at one point I glanced over to my right and caught sight of the high chair that I bought for my daycare kids. At that moment, I was reminded of the situation we're in right now. Childless, and barren. It took everything in me not to cry as we finished dinner, but I held it together because I didn't want to ruin such a lovely dinner. But, as soon as Luke got up and walked away from the table, I broke into tears. Luke came back in the room and asked what was wrong. Initially I didn't want to admit that I had allowed myself to go back to the overly emotional, sensitive, cry baby that infertility turned me into, but I was honest. I told him what was wrong. He gave me a huge hug and kissed me on my head (I think he even shed a tear!). I knew, at that moment, everything was going to be okay! At first I thought of it as a weakness that I cried (that's the negative part of infertility I'm trying to rid myself of), but then I realized that I had done so well that week. I made it that long without loosing composure. Without crying like a baby that just popped out of the womb. I was proud of myself.

Since last Friday I have not had anymore breakdowns. I've been close, but again--the strength of the Lord stepped in and pulled me through. There's been a scripture that has carried me through the past few days: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar
on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk
and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Luke and I are in a season rest. I love that I can come to Him, and He meets me right where I am."Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28Broken and hurting, He knows all my cares, and comforts me.

13 comments:

I'm so glad you found a church that feels like home and that you're re-connecting as a couple. Infertility takes a very brutal toll on relationships, and so many of us forget along the way how important keeping strong together is. I will be praying that God will continue to heal your hurt. Sending lots of hugs too!

Sweetheart, It's all right to let loose and cry. Your husband might want to cry with you. I'm happy you found a church you like. I'm having trouble with that right now. I continue to pray for you. I hate for you to think of yourselves as "barren." I still believe the Lord has plans for you that He has not yet revealed.

Awww Alicia, I'm glad you finally came back to update us, but I knew it's take some time. I'm so proud of the strength you find in the Lord. It's sooooo easy to give into temptation and be weak, but it takes a great deal of strength to pick ourselves up, let go, and let God deal with it. Once we get to the point where we can fully trust what hes doing, we find real genuine peace. It feels so good to not stay in the dark.Your church sounds perfect, I'm glad you've found happiness in going there, and that you look forward to it! and good for you for not being so hard on yourself for crying. I can be pretty today with myself when I cry about things I can't control, but honestly, it's OKAY to cry, and good for your soul. Glad to hear you and hubby have new find strength and happiness in your marriage! Keep it up! :))<3

This was such a beautiful and positive post. Sometimes, just making a decision is so freeing, as the anxiety when you have a wrenching decision to make is all consuming.

It's refreshing to read that you are being faithful, trusting God that His plan is right. It's hard to remember that He is in charge at times, I know. And, there is no shame in grieving and shedding tears. It isn't a sign of weakness; it's a demonstration of a heart that feels pain. Tears are cleansing.

I've been thinking about your post a lot. And I feel that you are still very young and you have a lot of options you should consider before completely committing to a child-free life (which it doesn't sound like you want.) First off, have you heard of "foster to adopt"? My friends are on the waiting list for this program and it's a much cheaper way of adopting. Also, there is the Adoption Tax Credit which would help you pay down any debt you take on from adopting. I found a good blog post on the costs of adoption you might want to look at here: http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2012/02/more-on-adoption-tax-credit.html. Lastly, have you looked at all into Resolve.org? They might be able to help you with IVF costs. If none of these suggestions help, I'm sorry and I wish there was something I could do to help.

I know this must be really rough for you. I admire your stregnth to focus on what you have instead of what you can't have. That really does take alot. Kudos to you for focusing on bringing your relationship back to together.

I'm sure your dinner was delicious! And that's GREAT that you found a church that you feel at home in. :)

Sorry, I've been away so long! I've been sick and am now well again so catching up. I love your outlook in this post. I read the last post and my heart ached but what a relief to read what God has done since then! I was lifting you and Luke up on Sunday at my church service. We were praying for God to come and take over the tough situations in our life or the lives of people we know. God laid you two on my heart so I poured out what I could to Him. Keep crying, keep loving, and keep enjoying your husband. It's all healthy. If you are still looking to go private then please put me on a list to keep reading! paddedcellconfessions@live.com

About Me

I'm a 24 years old foster mom to three kiddos ages 3 and under. Not too long ago I felt that I knew what life was going to be like. I would have a full time job, 2 kids, a house, and two dogs. Like most things in life, we do not always get what we dream of, but I can say that I have been given more than I could ever imagine for myself. I'm here to share my experiences--the good, the bad, and the ugly--and in turn I hope to inspire you and bring hope to your life.