Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The War on Money

I'm finally beginning to realize how many scary things there are out there that I need conservative republicans to protect me from. Thank God Rush Limbaugh is out there hefting himself atop dirty bombs and Sean Hannity is personally shielding my family from terrorist air attacks as we speak. Now we must add another element to the axis of fear: money.

Yes, as Bush outlined in his speech on Wednesday flanked by an unidentified economic advisor, we are under attack by money and we have to declare war. "Our entire economy is in danger." The only way we can avoid "a long and painful recession" is to declare war. Wall Street executives, bakers and high level government officials will designate money as an enemy combatant and hold it indefinitely, thus insuring the safety of the American people. In fact, if you pay us 700 billion dollars we'll keep you safe from money for as long as you want us to.

The 700 billion will go into creating a new governmental department which will issue a color coded warning whenever the money danger gets too high. If it's on blue, there is no danger of us seeing money anytime soon. When it moves to white, we can still go about our daily business, but we should stock up. If it ever moves to red then we need to call the kids home from school and just start writing checks.