Join the Madness

Friday, August 13, 2010

Crackpot Confessional - Public Urination

I
like to start each of these confessions with the reminder this is
FICTIONAL. I am not quite the deviant I'm pretending to be for the sake
of art or argument.

That said, this week I can't claim 100% innocence. It's been a long time, but I can't honestly say I've never done
my business outside. So while I will hereby confess to having committed
this 'sin', I must emphasize that this confession is NOT based on any
personal experience, per se. Got it?

**************************************

We
were in the middle of nowhere. Literally. My best friend had talked
me into coming to this keggar out at some guy's farm, and now we were
wandering through the woods that backed up to one of the corn fields.
It was darker than dark. I had my cell phone out, but it only cast
enough light to keep us from tripping over rocks.

Don't
ask why we were roaming lost through the woods in the middle of the
night. Let's just say my friend was in pursuit of a guy that we never
found because obviously we suck at navigating dark tree infested areas.

The
night was getting chilly, random branches were scratching at my bare
legs and feet (I had flip flops on. I didn't know I was going to be
traipsing through the underbrush!). I was cursing my friend and really
starting to regret having refilled my beer cup before heading into the
woods. My bladder pulsed painfully. We needed to get back to the party
soon or I was going to have a problem.

I
grabbed Stacey's arm to stop her. "This is useless" I told her. "We
can't see anything. Let's see if we can hear them and just keep moving
in the direction of the noise."

Good plan, right?

Not
so much, as it turns out. It seemed the noise, faint though it was,
drifted through the thickest bushes. We struggled onward. I was sure
we were going to look like we survived some kind of slasher attack by
the time we got back.

Twenty minutes later, we were definitely closer. We could almost identify voices. I really really
had to go at this point. My bladder was throbbing in protest. Once
again, I stopped Stacey. "I gotta go." I said. "Wait here. I'll just
go over this way a little and then I'll be right back."

I
stumbled off twenty or so feet off to the side, far enough that Stacey
wouldn't be able to hear me going, or so I hoped. I had never done this
before, and it was only out of desperation that I was doing it now. I
was grateful to be wearing a dress. Might not have been the best choice
for exploring the wilds at midnight, but it sure came in handy now. I
hitched the skirt up around my waist, holding it in place iwth one hand
while I used the pale glow of my phone to keep myself from watering my
feet.Having
never done this before, I misjudged the trajectory and soaked my
underwear. Swearing under my breath, I finished what I'd started --
there was no stopping it at this point anyway. Just as I was kicking
off my ruined underwear -- no way was I putting those things back
on -- I was blinded by light. My dress was still bunched up around my
waist and it took a full thirty seconds of me blinking into the light
before I realized I was flashing my rescuer.

Great.

I
dropped my skirt and held it down for good measure. Turns out we were
closer to the edge of the woods than we'd realized and Greg (descended
from the Greek Gods themselves) had seen the glow of my cell phone and
came to investigate.

He saw everything. Just kill me now.

No seriously, seems I crouched right into a patch of poison ivy and death is preferable to this insane itching.

********************************

Have
a heart and say you forgive the girl for going in the woods, hasn't she
suffered enough humiliation from the deed without adding your
condemnation to the mix?

hi miss vicki! that was sooo funny. but not that poison ivy stuff. yikes! youre a really good story teller. i peed outside before. i think its lots more easy for us guys then for girls....hugs from lenny

Oh my! LOL Just your title alone had me laughing, I should've known the rest of your post would live up to the humorous title. Sigh. What we girls wouldn't give to have some sort of "aim" in a time of crisis.

52 Weeks of Kindness

CODY QUOTES

Mock Me Monday

I'm A Blitzer

Follow by Email

About Me

I don't have a schedule. I post whenever I have something to say or share. I try to get to as many blogs as I can, but that's never as many as I'd like. You can contact me directly at:
MissVSpeaks(at)gmail(dot)com.