Bark Jokes

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

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What do you call it when a person is sexually attracted to acidic bark?

A peat fetish.

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

What do you do if you dog barks too much?

Put him in a barking lot

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

What does a German Sheppard’s bark sound like?

“Voof”

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

What does a swedish dog bark like?

Bjork

What kind of dog never barks?

A Malamute.

P.S. I know I'm going to hell for this joke.

What has 5 legs and barks?

A pitbull in a playground.

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

An American dog, Polish dog and a Russian dog were discussing things so the American dog tells them that if you bark long enough, people will give you meat. The Polish dog asks "what's meat?"

The Russian dog asked "what's bark...??!!"

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

What does a mute dog and a dead tree have in common?

There’s no bark.

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I can always hear my roomate bark while having sex

He likes it ruff

How do dogs bark in Scandinavia?

BJÖRK BJÖRK.

A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."

Why do dogs always bark when someone ring the doorbell?

No, seriously. It's almost never for them.

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

A man walks into a bar with a dog...

A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog "What do you find on top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bart...

Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark?

Because he's a sub woofer.

Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all

They're woofless

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

How do you make a cat bark?

Wrap it around a tree

What kind of tree would have the best bark?

Dogwood.

Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P

So this guy is really drunk

So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide...

How long does a dog's bark last?

**Ruff**ly a second.

How to teach a cat how to bark?

Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!

A boy asked his mother

"Mommy, why are you white and I'm black?"

Mommy replied "Son, the way things were going at that party, you are lucky you don't bark."

If a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I think it depends on how loud its bark is.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a "Beware of Dog" sign and he starts hearing barks. He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder. Looking all around him he can't see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer. At the last second he sees a tin...

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

A dog says to his friend

"BARK!"

"Dude, that was exactly what I was going to say."

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Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.

He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.

A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a tabl...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

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A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunse...

How can you tell if a Dogwood tree is healthy?

When it's all bark and no blight.

For some reason I woke up with this joke in my head and I don't remember ever seeing it before!

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A man signs up to be a special effects supervisor in a studio.

A man, Dave, signs up to be a special fx supervisor in a film making studio. His job was to study different “boards” each containing different sound effects, and he was to pick out the most pleasing and configure them to his preferences.

The first day, Dave went to work and he was directed to...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

What do dogs and trees share most in common?

They both come with bark

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rus...

How can you tell BBQ was smoked with dogwood?

Check the bark.

Three women plan to escape from jail. One is a redhead, one is a brunette, and one is a blonde.

As the women are in their cell, the brunette suggests an escape plan. She decides that they should break out at exactly midnight, as that is when the guards change posts and are most tired.

The women escape quietly and quickly. However, a guard somehow notices them, and proceeds to shout and...

The meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back t...

Class 3B go for a class trip into the woods one day.

The teacher says to Mary “what’s this tree made of?”“I don’t know miss.”“Bark you silly girl!”

Mary goes “woof woof!”

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.

“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

A pharmaceutical company specializing in nature-based products …

… was investigating reports that the bark of the Ningwood tree had the potential to help men with urinary incontinence. They tried different doses and found that the highest levels did result in some relief. In a press release about the trials they noted that more Ningwood makes it hard to pee.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

There was a man in Tallahassee that owned a talking dog

There was a man in Tallahassee that owned a talking dog. One of the richest men in town offered to buy the dog for $1,000,000 if the dog actually talked. The multi-millionaire visited the old man and his dog one day, and the old man began quizzing the dog in order to show him off.

Man: “What ...

A dog breeder has a very defensive Golden Retriever

There was a period of time where she caused all the mailmen to just pass his house because of the dog. All but one mailman. The dog never attacked, but rather happily trotted up to him and asked to be pet. Eventually the breeder sees the mailman speaking to the dog, and the dog seemed to respond! Af...

Dad jokes meet dog jokes

Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog?

It has the thickest bark.

I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.

I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

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Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

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I know why you get mad at my ass

... because sometimes it barks odors.

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A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.

The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"

The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof." ...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender says: "sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs here"

The man replies: "wait, my dog is special. You see, he can talk"

The bartender is doubtful, so the man turns to his dog and says: "alright buddy, what goes on top of a house?"

The dog replies: "Roof!"

The man a...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

Tree joke (long)

This was told to me by an older Iroqouis man when I was in college: Woodpecker was out foraging for food in the forest when he overheard two trees arguing. It was hard to make out what the trees were saying, so woodpecker flew in closer to listen. He came upon a large beech and a large birch, argu...

Paddy’s Suggestion

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mi...

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

A killer chases a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

The three finds three potato sacks to hide in. The killer finds the sacks and decided to poke each one.When the killer poked the brunette, the brunette goes “meow, meow.” Then the killer pokes the red head, and she goes “bark! bark!” Finally, the killer pokes the blonde in the potato sack and sh...

The challenges.

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. As he takes a seat, he notices a weird jar behind the bar counter labelled "The Challenges", that's full of cash. Intrigued by it, he asks the bartender what the jar is about.

"Oh, like the jar says, it's for The Challenges. You pay $10 to take them on....

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.

The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is d...

Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Many months passed and life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.

Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was abou...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog ...

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

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A man and his dog walk in to the bar

The man tells the bartender he’s celebrating getting his dog back from his ex because his dog can talk.

“Oh, yea? If that dog can talk all your drinks are on the house,” the bartender says.

“Deal. Hey boy, whats sandpaper feel like?”

The dog barks, ruff! ruff!

“Hey boy, w...

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple

Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.

What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?

The bark.

What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?

The trunk.

What's my father's favourite part of the tree?

The leaves :(

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"I said "why do you think that?"She said "because they probably only bark"She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an...

High school dance.

My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I’m taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend is an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, “what does she look like?” I ...

Three friends talking about their dogs.

So there were three friends talking about the intelligence of their dogs, to which one says:

My shepherd dog not only took care of my sheep when I left but also sheared them once a year.

The next says:Ha! Mine was so smart that all he left to do was to bark.

The third sobbin...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones. The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably. “Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police.

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police. They find 3 sacks and hide in them. The police man approaches the sacks and kicks the first one. The English man barks like a dog. The police man kicks the next one and the Scottish man screams like a cat. The policema...

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A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

What's the difference between a tree and a computer?

A tree is all bark and no bite, while a computer is all byte and no bark!

Washington liked his wooden teeth enough.

Unfortunately, they were all bark and no bite.

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

Holy Shit!

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This evening I was getting the c...

A man walks into a bar with a dog

He sets the dog on the bar and the bartender says "hey buddy you can't have that in here." The man explains to him that it's okay because the dog can talk and is well behaved. The bartender(thinking the man is insane) offers a bet, $100 if his dog can talk.

The man accepts the bet and turns t...

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Jack walks into a bar with his dog...

He quickly announces to the bar that his dog talks and will wager $100 to anyway who doesn’t believe him.

So Big Al goes up to the Jack and his dog and takes the wager.

“I will ask your dog some questions and if does indeed talk, I’ll give you $100.