Let’s Win The War On Men!

Today, FOX News filed a rather grave announcement that 1) there’s a war on men, 2) women are losing that war. The reasons for our loss are manifold, but mostly it’s because we’re angry and defensive and have jobs, and feminism has taught us to think of men as the enemy (we share your bewilderment that the term feminazi was not once employed). Ahead, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff parse out the intricacies of this exciting new battle and determine what’s at stake (besides pretty dresses).

Jennifer: So. How are we winning the war on men?

Ashley: Well, I think we’re losing because “Women aren’t women anymore” (real quote). Rather, if men are losing, then everybody’s losing. Wait, no. I’m actually confused. There’s a war on men except women are the ones who are losing? Because men are losing? The logic is pretty opaque. How can everyone be losing this war? Is it really a war, in that case, or just a bunch of losers who refuse to marry each other? “War,” makes it sound sexier, I guess. Anyway, when did you realize you were no longer a woman?

Jennifer: When I sold my vagina for gold and tech stocks.

Ashley: That’s just prudent, though. That’s not a war on men.

Jennifer: It makes it a little hard to walk, which is probably why I always have to wear pants, not the long flowing flower patterned dresses of yore.

Ashley: And aprons! Remember the aprons? They were beautiful. What’s your favorite shade of linen?

Jennifer: I have an apron! Who am I kidding? I also have a closet full of floral patterned dresses.

Ashley: Yeah, me too.

Jennifer: No you don’t, don’t lie. You mocked me for my floral dresses all through college. You’re why I’m not a woman anymore.

Ashley: You were so heteronormative. You still are, though, your dresses are just more abstract.

If it weren't for the war on men, she'd be pregnant and he'd feel whole again.

Jennifer: I got this one that has a leopard print on it, but also, it’s NOT a leopard print.

Ashley: Cheetah?

Jennifer: It’s… more abstract. But still ferocious and unwomanly. It’s Yigal Azrouel.

Ashley: I don’t really see how men are losing here yet. Look, the point is you didn’t sell your vagina for gold, so I think you’re still a woman, despite what this author of three books on the American family says. She’s spoken with hundreds if not thousands of men and women, though, so perhaps she’s more an expert than you or I. Oh, actually the point is that women still really want to get married but it’s their fault that men don’t want to marry them.

Jennifer: Why are women so ANGRY?

Ashley: Oh, I have an answer! “Because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs.” (another real quote)

Jennifer: Like jobs and stuff? Why’d we take all the jobs, Ashley?

Ashley: Jennifer, I don’t know and I regret it. Down here in the empowerment nightmare world where I have a career as a writer, I’m unwed and desperately afraid. Please put me back on the pedestal so I can be married someday! 37% of women want it! Why have I wasted all this time?

Jennifer: You know, I don’t believe men are the enemy. I actually really like men. Even awfully old-fashioned Fox News-watching men. Christ, I work for a dating coach. But… I will say something I think is true regarding our newfound anger. (Which always existed, and was just in the 1960’s buried under a bunch of pills and malaise). I think women have realized that work can be more fun than home life. I love my relationships but… sometimes I think I love coming here and hanging out with you more.

Ashley: And we are selfish harpies who care only for fun!

Their husbands didn't "go downtown" and look what happened to them!

Jennifer: I think throughout much of history women thought that work was this terrible hard thing men had to do to provide. Then we got jobs we liked and realized that working is AWESOME. If you have that source of fulfillment, sometimes it makes it tougher for other aspects of your life to measure up. Does that make me a sound like an angry harpy who sold my vagina for gold?

Ashley: No you don’t need any help sounding like a harpy with a blank space where your vagina used to be. Moreover, while having a job and prospects and a future outside the kitchen seems great on paper, if I’d known having a career made me unfuckable, I never would have gone to college.

Jennifer: I was so worried you wouldn’t like it because the pattern is a little funky! See? These are conversations I can’t have with my boyfriend.

Ashley: I don’t understand how you can like pretty dresses though, while still having a career? It just doesn’t make sense.

Jennifer: Okay, you have proven your point. Why do you think men don’t want to marry these new-style girls?

Ashley: Well, from what I’ve deduced from this helpful Fox News article, men no longer want to marry women because all women are angry and defensive and they hate children and home cooked meals and missionary position.

Jennifer: But you’re a great cook, and you’re also very good with children. And you’re the angriest person I know!

Ashley: It’s true! I can’t reconcile that either! I also love pretty dresses! Who will tell us what we are?

Jennifer: I just love pretty dresses! I can barely cook and I had to talk to children on a plane yesterday and they kept saying “she ate poo poo” and I thought “this is like talking to the world’s worst lobotomy patient.” But I have not found men to be that troublesome? They seem pretty nice.

Feminism demands evidence for claims of this sort.

Ashley: Oh, yeah, men are great. Why do feminists hate them so much?

Jennifer: They get a better rate on gold for penises.

Ashley: See, I know it’s the feminist movement with their bra ashes and stiff, unflattering Levis polluting my brain, but that seems like gender inequality.

Jennifer: Honestly, when I read these articles I think that, 100 years ago, to survive – to survive and have a reasonable life in the world – women HAD to make themselves desirable to men. As a woman, that was essentially your job. Now, well, we still read Cosmopolitan magazine a bunch, so that is obviously something we still try to do, but we don’t HAVE to do that to survive. We have the option to not really care about what men think so much and still have pretty nice productive lives. And I think some men are really not happy about that.

Jennifer: Well, look, you are allowed to love your job and not NEED a man, and still want one. You can still want to get married and have children. Maybe the trick is to be open about that, and also do things to evidence that you’d be a caring wife and mother. In addition to loving your job and stuff.

Ashley: But I just don’t think I can be happy on either side of this war of the sexes! All I really want to do is sit around eating Japanese snacks, wearing a jean jacket.

Jennifer: You’ve always walked alone, like an androgynous wolf.

Ashley: I’m a loner. A rebel.

"Let's go punch some men in the taint!"

Jennifer: Okay. So, the reason I see there as being a war is that home-life no longer comprises the be all and end all of female existence. We realize that other things can be… even more fun. So, I just made an argument for The Handmaid’s Tale society. End the war on women by taking away their jobs and they’ll be really happy and not angry at all. Or at least, they’ll have to act like they are.

Ashley: I never read that book because feminism made it so I didn’t have to. Wait, is it the other way round? What are we blaming it for today?

Jennifer: Our own sadness and singleness.

Ashley: Neither of us are sad or single…? We’re both quite happy?

Jennifer: Right. I don’t know why that is. In my case, I guess it’s a combination of choosing someone with similar interests and fetching floral dresses. You?

Ashley: Oh, I think it’s because our respective men fought hard and valiant through all the angry bitter red tape laid along the gender divide by feminazis (and libtards). Tangentially, I’m pretty sure I know what it’s like to fuck Ulysses S. Grant.

Jennifer: See, I see mine as more of William Tecumseh Sherman. But I think that’s because I’m more womanly.