Why Kelly Ripa Feels She Needs to Apologize

Kelly Ripa used to find a thousand reasons why everyone and everything else in her life deserved more of her time than she did. But then her husband, Mark, helped her see why she should make a little more room for herself.

"The first thing you learn when you put on borrowed clothes at a fashion shoot," Kelly Ripa says, standing un-self-consciously in her underwear in between trying on dresses for this story, "is that someone always has bigger boobs, a smaller waist, and longer legs than you do. Actually," she adds with her signature giggle, "everyone has bigger boobs than I do."

Kelly's refreshing awareness that embracing who you are often means dumping impossible expectations — together with her trademark frank humor — is what has made her one of TV's brightest spots. On Live With Regis and Kelly, she's willing to take a joke, but she's just as likely to be making one at her own expense. And she openly relishes the ordinariness of her private life with "Consuelos" (that would be her husband of 13 years, Mark) and their kids, Michael, 12, Lola, 8, and Joaquin, 6. While her life is overflowing — with family, Live, and a production company that has a development deal with TLC — Kelly comes across as almost superhumanly energetic, but never frantic.

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On an afternoon a week after the photo shoot, Kelly is curled up on the beige couch in her Live dressing room, wearing jeans and a baggy white sweater. Her hair is tucked behind her ears, her face scrubbed clean of makeup, and it's easy to believe the 39-year-old when she says she's rarely recognized in public. Being able to go under the radar is a plus to her, she admits, because it means that when she's not working, it's all about her family, friends, and time for herself, a balance that has been hard won. One look at Kelly in this home away from home she's created — with framed snapshots of her kids and of Mark all around her — tells you instantly where her priorities lie.

What's the most important lesson you've learned about being happy and keeping all the many pieces of your life from overwhelming you? Do you feel like you've found a way to crack that?
I feel like — I'm very superstitious [knocks on wooden table] — I feel like I have found a way.

What is it?
That it's okay to say no. "No" is a gift you give yourself, and it liberates you. With kids, you have to say no to them and mean it, and that's enabled me to say no in other aspects of my life. I'm not good at it, but I'm learning. Now, I'll say to people, "I'm really sorry, but I don't have time this week. Can we do it another time?"

So you still apologize when you say no.
Oh, I am so apologetic. I feel like I should apologize for everything. I still avoid saying no to people until they are literally at the stalking level, asking, "Are you going to do this or not?" But if you just give an answer from the get-go, everyone can move on. I've had to realize there are other people in the world and not just me. Imagine the shock!

Did Mark teach you that? Your kids? Or was it just growing up?
I think growing up is part of it. But 99 percent is children. Children teach you really fast that you're not the center of the universe. And my husband is extraordinarily honest and one of the most direct people on the planet. He handles his life in a way that I find admirable and inspirational. He can make decisions in a snap that are somehow still thoughtful, weighing his options and then saying, "We're going with option A." I, meanwhile, agonize over what kind of pasta we're going to have. Angel hair or linguine? I can spend four hours on that conversation alone.

It sounds like you two balance each other nicely.
I think I'm a good foil to him. Otherwise, our house could be like a military school. Not that there's anything bad about that, but he's so efficient!

Do you have any pet peeves?
Not really. As far as my family, there's only one rule in my house, and that's that my kids must be polite to other people. You can get so caught up in your own world that you're not aware of other people and how you're affecting them. I'm the biggest offender, but I want better for my kids, so I demand that they are polite. The art of please and thank you never goes out of style. I've had thank-you notes made up for them, and when they complain that they don't have lines on them to make it easier to write, I literally get out a ruler and draw the lines.

Is it difficult to mind your manners when you're approached while you're with your family?
I'm never recognized. We were doing the show in the Bahamas, and we were shooting in the hotel lobby, and it was [Live executive producer] Michael Gelman, Regis, and me standing there. A crowd gathered, and a woman said, "Oh, my God! It's Gelman, it's Regis!" and handed me her camera and asked me to take a picture of them. Then she said, "Where's Kelly?"

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How do you explain that?
On camera it's all about glamorous makeup and hair, but in real life I don't look glamorous at all. And I don't have an easily recognizable face. I look like most women my age in a ponytail. So I go through my life kind of unnoticed, and it's great because it allows me to focus on my kids. My husband, he smiles and it's unmistakable. That gorgeousness, those teeth, that jet black hair.... Whenever I'm with him, I'm like, "You're going to blow our cover!" I am 100 percent on that bandwagon — he's so cute and he's so great, too. But when people do notice us, they're so kind. My kids are like, "People are so nice."

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What throws you over the edge?
If I bite off more than I can chew. I'm like a bird that panics in the face of a storm. It's like, "I feel a tremor!" I can also obsess about crazy nonsense, like if I feel like I screwed up an interview or something on the show, but Mark really breaks it down for me. He'll say, "I know this seems very important to you, but the rest of America — I can guarantee you — isn't thinking about this." He's so good.

How do you balance time with your family and time for yourself?
I used to have work and kids, and that was equal. It was work and kids and work and kids and more work and more kids, and I nearly got lost in the shuffle. For three years, I was doing the show and also the sitcom [Hope & Faith], and I think it took a toll. I was more exhausted than I realized, and I had a shorter fuse than I realized. It's not in my nature to be in a bad mood. But at the end of the day, things were off balance. Then, as the kids got a little older and the sitcom got canceled, it seemed to free up a lot of my time, and Mark suggested that I join a gym. He said, "Give yourself that gift, because exercise is good for the mind. What happens to your body is secondary." And he was right.

Was it hard to take that time just for you?
You feel so guilty. I had ten thousand reasons why I couldn't take five minutes for myself. And by the way, it doesn't need to be exercise. It could be a walk, getting your nails done, just sitting on a bench and staring at traffic. Whatever you can do to have time by yourself. And I didn't realize how much I was a better mother, wife, and employee just by giving myself the gift of an hour a day. It feels necessary. And it feels balanced. I could probably take more, but I don't really want to spend any more time with myself. I know how the audience feels. I think they must be so sick of me at the end of the hour!

How did you get past the guilt?
It's all been baby steps. Initially, we would never leave the kids alone with a babysitter. But then Mark would say, "We are going out to dinner," and I would say, "Without the kids?" And he would say, "Yes. Because that's what grown-ups do." It was something he forced me to do, and now I think to myself, The kids will be thrilled. They know the babysitter is going to let them watch TV and eat cookies. So that's the balance Mark introduced to me. I know there are people who are good at dealing with this stuff, but I think the majority of women feel tremendous guilt.

And we get tired and shut down.
Yes, I do. There are still nights when, if I'm feeling really guilty about leaving the kids, I'll pick a fight with Mark over having nothing to wear. Which is a lie. I'm like, "I'm not going! My throat hurts! I have nothing to wear!" And he'll say, "Which is it?" I'm like, "I have nothing to wear and, yes, I think my throat may be hurting soon." We're evolving.

What's your favorite family time?
We are a family who lives for the weekends. My youngest, Joaquin, will say to me on Tuesday, "How many days until Friday, Mom?" We drive out to our house in Southampton, Long Island, on Friday, and we don't schedule anything. We watch movies, we go to the beach. Even in the winter we'll take hot chocolate and bagels and just sit there. My son recently asked me when that Sunday-night, disappointed pit in your stomach goes away, and I said, "Honestly, I'm not sure if it ever does." But then Monday, I feel energized because we had a relaxing weekend.

Do you and Mark take special time just for each other?
Definitely. It doesn't have to be a "date night." A date night for us is watching Top Chef. A date night for us is getting our kids asleep before 9:30! It's really just about checking in, asking how the other person's day is, and cuddling up. It doesn't have to lead to anything, although it usually does. But it doesn't have to. Sometimes, Mark will wake up in Joaquin's bed, and I'll wake up in Lola's tiny bed feeling like a contortionist and saying, "I'm in pain and why is there a dog on my head?"

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It's important to stay committed over the long haul, isn't it?
That's it for Mark and me. The first year of marriage is so tough, and we fought constantly, these tiny things becoming big accusations. Then we looked at each other one day and said, "We're in this for the long haul, so let's make it fun." It's not that it's not going to be work. You work on your marriage the same way you work at your job. But we have friends who have gotten divorced over tiny things that spiral out of control, and no one was willing to reach out, take the other person's hand, and say, "I'm not going anywhere." And sometimes it can be that simple. We argue, but we have an allegiance to each other, and we have beautiful children, and from what I hear, divorce sucks. It's not something I think I have the fortitude to go through.

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Have you learned how to short-circuit a fight?
We always say, "Next time I'm going to say some secret word to stop the argument." But the argument needs to run its course. There are times when I'll have a very short fuse — I don't know if I'm tired or hormonal — and when that happens it's my job to apologize. Most of the time I'm the first to apologize.

What's your best relationship advice?
My girlfriends and I talk about this a lot. The more, let's say, affection — the more you do it, the more you do it. The more you reach out and hold that person's hand, the more it's going to happen. The less you do it, the less you do it. That includes everything from intimacy to hand-holding and kissing. I say reach out and grab your husband's hand every once in a while. Even if he's wrong and he makes you sick. Because a little bit of that gets you a little bit of a back rub, which gets a little bit of "You look pretty today."

Who are your best girlfriends?
I have a great group of mom friends. We are together a lot. We take care of each other: I know if I can't pick my kids up today, my friend Pam can. I think that's important. You really meet a whole new social group through your kids that you wouldn't otherwise because we all have different jobs. Now that we're all so close, it doesn't matter if our kids are in the same class. We'll still celebrate our birthdays and exercise together.

So it sounds like — what with your family and your friends and your weekends — you've figured out how to keep what's most important to you front and center in your life.
We feel so lucky. Part of it is that we work really hard. Mark and I were talking recently about this time when our son and daughter were drawing pictures of houses on the chalkboard in their playroom. They were drawing the house that we were going to live in, and both Mark and I said, "We did that." I think having in your mind, One day when I grow up, I'm going to live in this house, I'm going to do this.... I think there's something to dreaming about your grown-up life that can lead to a good grown-up life.

WHERE KELLY GOES TO RECHARGE:

AT HOME IN NEW YORK

I do everything in my dressing room in our New York City apartment; my kids too. So much for my alone place.... Lola is sprawled out doing homework, Joaquin is playing, and Mark is saying, "Do you have an extra scarf? Because it's really cold." And I'm like, "Why is everyone in here?!" I've got to get a lock on that door.

AT THE BEACH

I'm a warm-weather freak, but we go out to our home in Southampton on the weekends, even when it's cold. There are cornfields and hayrides. We have space there, and the kids can play soccer in the backyard.

IN THE MOUNTAINS

We have a house in Telluride, CO. Electrolux did my kitchen there (above), and it has views of the mountains from every window. For me, waking up and having coffee and looking out the window in that gorgeous setting is everything. We watch the sun come up, pinch ourselves, and say, "Can you believe this?"