(Closed) Feeling Guilty or Selfish Much…???

Hey Ladies. I’ve been off for awhile (posting wise). But I tap in to read almost daily.

Just update on the background my SO and I have been together a little over 3 1/2 yrs. I basically was crushed when 2010 ended with no proposal. We’d gone ring shopping twice in the Summer. Then my bday, the holidays (christmas & nye) came and went but still no proposal for me. So I mentally made myself a deadline of the end of the year.

BUT just a few days before the end of the year he was laid off. So we had a discussion the first week of the year where I basically told him how upset I was and why I had begun to drift away from the relationship. We intially talked (while in he jewelry store) about getting married June 2011 which was about a year away at the time. This was all shattered after he was laid off and revealed to me that he didn’t have any “ring savings”. I was livid! He claimed he started saving but things began to come up. Which really was nothing but his immature spending.

I have been so hurt because I’ve always wanted a Summer wedding and that isn’t even possible with no savings, no proposal, and no job right now. I kind of feel guilty but waiting until the following Summer is way too far for me. At the latest I’m thinking March 2012 now. I want us to be engaged by at least our 4 year anniversary which is about 6 months away. That is totally my deadline! I hate to sound selfish but I’m tired of waiting. We’re at 6 weeks with no income for him so I’m paying all the bills. Which doesn’t hurt too badly since I paid the majority anyway because I make more than he does. And I know it isn’t his fault getting laid off but I’m hurt. A month ago he was in a wedding as a groomsmen for his friend (which I had to drag myself to by the way) and that’s the last time that I’ve said anything engagement related was our talk that weekend so I think I’m doing good. Over a month of silence! Plus he can’t really do anything right now with no income anyway.

I guess part of me thinks I’m selfish and feel guilty for wanting a proposal in 6 months tops (ideal would be 4 months) knowing he doesn’t have a job or income right now to save. But the other part of me feels like he had 6 months to save and he was not responsible in doing so when he had a job and we’d picked out rings. I think that’s what I resent him for the most is not being proactive. In our last talk he said he wants us to get married by this year because he knows I’m sick of waiting. Plus he knows I had everything preplanned and had my mind set on a DW Summer 2011. But getting married this year probably won’t happen. Summer is obviously to close and given the circumstances it’s virtually impossible. Then Fall/Winter are out for me due to bdays, holidays, etc. Unless we did a DW on NYE which I think may be expensive though and it’s so close to Christmas. Other than that 2012 it is. And it hurts to say that. I don’t know I’m confused. Not to mention I feel like (impatienlywaiting) and her post about the longer it takes us to get engaged/married the longer we have to wait to procreate and I’m ready NOW. My son is 6 his daughter is 9 and I don’t want a huge age gap. I’m 27 he’s 37. This Sucks!!!! Thanks for letting me vent ladies.

Any of you have situations where you sometimes feel like you’re being selfish or you feel guilty for doing or not doing some to/for your SO?

@PrettySedity: I completely agree with you, I feel guilty and sellfish for telling him I want to be engaged by a certain time but I do have to think of what I want sometimes too. In my case mine wanted to save up for a camaro just a few grand but I want that ring… so I guess his camaro is not going to happen anymore so maybe my ring will come sooner than I think.. But as for your guy I think you need to ask him if he is actually serious about getting engaged to you and why he is spending the saving fro the ring on stupid things?

I agree, I do feel very selfish at times wanting to be engaged so bad when I know he doesn’t have the money right now. I know he wants to marry me and that is his intentions because he reassures me of it all the time. He needed surgery last year and had medical bills to pay so he hasn’t had any money to save for a ring but he is thisclose to paying off so he should be able to pay it off and (hopefully!) get a ring with the money he is getting back on his taxes. Maybe it is a bit selfish to think he will spend that money a ring but after 6.5 years together, I think I deserve it

@PrettySedity: I can understand how you feel. My SO was laid-off twice recently. Ugh… a pain!

I don’t think you’re being selfish for wanting what you want and feeling how you feel. That’s how I feel too! It’s like how long are we supposed to wait and why can’t a man just save money? It’s not THAT hard! lol…

The only thing I would do is just to remember that the job market out there is really sucky, and it could take your sweetie longer to find a job then you would hope. I know people who have looked for 9 months plus for something good, or people taking jobs paying less. I do think you should keep a timeline though, but just realize that you may have to extend it based on when your honey gets a new gig.

@wishingonadream04: Thank you! I’m glad someone feels the same way I do. Good Luck to you! Hopefully he will use his taxes and you will be engaged by Summer.

@armychica06: I’ve been reading but just can’t post on my phone (sucks). I also need to invest in a new laptop. You’re always so nice and supportive. Love you much!!!!

@CurlyDreamer: I don’t think that jobless and waiting go hand and hand. I’m about to die over here. I’m hoping and praying that he finds something that suits him quickly. I was off once for 3 months and another time for 2 months since we’ve been dating. But I’ve always had funds put back so it was no big deal. And you’re right that’s why although it kills me I will give him until our 4 year anniversary but I can’t wait past then. It’s only 5 1/2 months away though so it’s pushing it on him saving unless he’s hired to a position with lots of available OT. ***sighs*** ***prays***

So sorry you’re going through all of this. For the record… I don’t think you’re being selfish. Like you said, he had plenty of time to save for a ring before the lay off. I understand about getting caught up in immature spending though.. because I’ve been guilty of it myself, LoL. But at the same time, when something important is on the line, like making a move towards spending the rest of your life with the person you love, some restraint should be placed on the spending. However, that’s spilled milk now.. you can only look forward.

I know that the job market totally sucks right now, but I truly hope that a new, wonderful employment opportunity comes through for your sweetie very soon & you get the proposal (& gorgeous ring) that you deserve! :o)

I have a few questions – what exactly are you looking for? A ring? A proposal? A wedding? Or a marriage?

I ask this because all I hear about is proposal and wedding and not the long term gifts of marriage.

Money is tight, he doesn’t have a job, and you don’t want to wait. Perhaps you guys could get married at the courthouse and throw your big wedding when you guys have the money? It would also help because that would ensure that he has health benefits during his unemployment time, as well as you would get more tax breaks on your check if you filed as married, which may help some with the bills. I know that this is not the ideal situation, but a marriage is so much more than a wedding.

Please don’t take this as I am anti-wedding, because I think every woman deserves a beautiful ring and a special day commemorating the time and love she has put into the relationship just like a man does. But I think a lot of your selfish and guilty feelings right now are stemming from the fact that you are wanting very materialistic things for your relationship right now, and I think it would help if you focused more on the emotional aspects for the time being.

Right now is going to be a very trying experience in your relationship as one of you is having to take on the financial burden. Married or not, this is a big life lesson and I think that perhaps you are putting too much emotion into the wrong thing right now. What if you the shoe was on the other foot and you lost your job, and he left you because he “couldn’t wait” any longer for you? Please don’t kick him while he’s down unless he is trully doing something to intentionally hurt you. Men don’t put off proposing to hurt us, they do it because they aren’t ready, or don’t hold the same value in the sentiment that we do. Besides, perhaps this is a good time to show him that you are with him no matter what, ring or not. Once he gets a job, he may remember that and save twice as much for a beautiful ring for you.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, the written word has a way of sounding much different than the spoken one. I hope that this helps you in your decision, whatever you choose.

Ahh, when I was waiting I felt the same way. “Why can you buy X for your truck and not manage to put anything down for a ring?” But then I realized it was just him stalling, so I took a chill pill. I, like it sounds you are trying to do, just stepped back. I hadn’t created a WeddingBee account yet, so I just stopped coming on here and reading. I focused on other things. He was aware how much it took for me to let it go though.

When he finally DID propose (last year) I knew he did it for the right reasons; I knew he was ready. Somehow this made me feel better about my previous feelings of “WTF ARE YOU DOING!!” :O I’m sure every girl that has EVER been in a state of limbo (what I like to call limbo anyways aka not engaged…yet), knows that feeling to an extent.

However, I do think you now need to be sensitive to his job-issues. Maybe he wasn’t ready for the whole she-bang last summer, but looking at rings was his first step. You’ve got to let him take the next step on his own. With his job status, it may take longer than you want it to, but in the end….isn’t it about both of you being happy? He can’t change the past or his spending habits. He can just propose to you on his terms.