I just finished watching the first 3 Twilight films, and I have some notes. I did a kind of MST3k/Rifftraxx take (to save my sanity)on the first movie since I watched it alone, but was unable on the other 2 because certain members of the household were actually interested in it. Also, I fell asleep a couple times during both Twilight and New Moon. Still I think I’m qualified enough to give a little synopsis/review of the quadrilogy so far. Especially since I realized what makes Eclipse so much better than New Moon: ‘Moon director Chris Weitz was still in post production when Eclipse began filming, so he was replaced by (IMHO) MUCH better director David Slade. But more on that later, lets begin:

Twilight

Twilight sucks. That’s about all there is too it. But really, you have Bella, who is a little depressed Emo girl who moves to a quiet little town. Her mom is remarried, and her dad is a sheriff, and it all makes her soooo depressed. Then there is this white kid, and I mean PRETERNATURALLY WHITE. By Preternaturally I mean he almost (But I’m NOT a Vampire!) glows… hmmm. Then his weird (I’m NOT a Vampire!) family. His dad actually has BLUE skin (But I’m NOT a Vampire!) He moves really fast and is super strong (but I’m NOT a Vampire!). and seriously depressed as well. Which is probably why Bella goes ooey-gooey over him. Any ways, turn out he (OMG!) is a vampire after all, and is 109 years old. And then some stuff kinda happens, and its over (Shit, must have fallen asleep again.) The real kicker for vampire fans is that in this mythology, the vamps can go out in the day, but don’t like to because little sparkleys will radiate off their skin in direct sunlight. meh. Um, yeah, there was also some sub plot about an Indian kid who has the hots for Bella and one with something involving rival vamps and a kidnapping/killing. Either way, its easily the dullest movie I’ve ever seen with the possible exception of Plan 9 or The Crawling Eye.

New Moon

New Moon also sucks, but on a different level than it’s predecessor. This one is designed better, but simply falls flat from 2 things. 1) cheap, cut-rate special effects, and 2) god-fucking-awful direction from Weitz. Lets take them one at a time.

1) Effects. Not sure if any of the people who worked on ‘Moon were aware of this, but Special Effects are supposed to blend into the live action sequences, and not look as if a 5 year old was told to draw pictures of a half-dog-half-cow and cover it with brown crayola. Much like the crappy-ass effects on the Mummy sequel, these fail on a truly EPIC scale.

2) Chris Weitz apparently cannot direct his way out of a wet paper bag. This movie would have been interesting and entertaining had he injected any amount of thought or emotion into the movie. The scenes were way too long and not edited nearly tight enough. Plus it seems like the only direction that Robert Pattinson was given was to “Look at Bella. Now sag one side of your face as if you just had a stroke or a root canal. PERFECT! Now mumble… CUT! Wrap, PRINT! and we’re at lunch people.” I’m sure this could have been a good movie if it had been directed, at all. Seems like Weitz spent his whole time on set counting his money.

Oh, and by the way, that Indian kid from the first movie? Well, it turns out that he is a (get this), WEREWOLF! nice, huh? not just him either, but him and most of the young guys who are between 14 and 25.

Now on to…

Eclipse

This one is actually not that bad, and I kind of enjoyed it. With a fresh director, a crisp script and some actual ‘human’ feeling and liveliness from the actors, it’s not the worst movie ever made. The back stories on the characters, situations and history were all very welcome. Unlike the other two, this film is not simply a laundry list full of bullet points that needed to be hit. It’s almost got the flow of an actual story! Special Effects were slightly more polished, but still looked wrong, and I can even overlook Pattinson’s hair, which seems to have been told to grow larger and larger in each successive film until the poor guy collapses in on himself. Still, it’s a crappy teen movie with no real point. My favorite thing to hate on this is the camping scene where Edward and Jacob are hiding Bella in the woods from the ‘Army Of Newborns’ and it snows 67 feet in an hour. Edward is a vampire, and he can run really goddamn fast, so why didn’t he just take ten minutes and go get Bella a battery powered space heater so that she won’t get frost bitten and his nemesis Jake wouldn’t have to keep her warm by wrapping his buff wolf body around her? Of course you could argue that that would mean we don’t get the ensuing conversation between vamp and wolf after Bella drifted off to shivery dream land. The only really heinous crime perpetrated by this 3rd installment is that I had to suffer through two insanely boring movies in order to understand what was going on. there wasn’t even a voice-over synopsis just in case i don’t like to purposely torture myself.

My recommendation: Read the Cliff’s Notes (or Wikipedia synopsis) on the first 2, then watch Eclipse. OR, go watch Interview with the Vampire, Blade and Underworld. If you want the teen drama sign on to Netflix and see if they have ‘Party of 5′ or ‘My So Called Life.’