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Waiting

Today would have been my due date had I not lost my sweet baby last August. It was an ectopic pregnancy and was very devastating for me. I have been dreading this day, knowing how hard it would be.

But my God gives grace. Maybe even in some strange ways. I had a headache all day yesterday while visiting family in Arkansas. When I got home I took my temperature and found that it was elevated. I felt so miserable. Today I am home from church recovering on the couch. Maybe God knew I needed a quiet day (mostly) alone.

But He has also given me a distraction - this new pregnancy. I think it’s safe to say that I’m still in shock about this one. I haven’t gotten super emotional yet. But it is definitely on my mind. I am ready to fast forward two weeks or so to see how this will all turn out. This time around I have decided not to tell anyone except my husband until I know for sure what’s going on.

When I told him yesterday he reacted almost like a first-time dad who has never received such news. It was kind of funny. After I picked myself up off the bathroom floor I sent him a message to call me. He was working, so I knew he wouldn’t be able to call right away. But after not hearing back from him a while later I messaged again to let him know that what I needed to talk to him about did not involve our bunnies. (A few days ago I had sent him a message asking him to call because I found a runt that had been abandoned and was close to death. Don’t worry, she’s fine now.) So when he finally called, I asked him if he had a few minutes to talk and if he was alone. He sounded confused but said that he was alone and had time to talk. “I’m pregnant,” I said. Silence. I decided to wait rather than to repeat it. Finally he said, “Are you sure? I mean, how sure are you?” I told him that the test was as positive as it gets with two super bright pink lines. “Well.... hmmmm....” he murmured. “Are you doing okay?” I told him I was worried but okay for now and that I was sorry to tell him on the phone but I didn’t want to have to wait seven or eight hours to tell him. “Well... hmmm....” he kept saying. Finally he said, “You sure got me with that bunny thing. I called to talk about bunnies and you throw this at me.” He had misread my text message and thought that I was calling him about bunnies. Oops! No wonder he sounded so shocked! I laughed at him and apologized for the misunderstanding. But I think neither of us really knows what to think or how to feel right now.

So for today I rest and recover from this nasty cold and I wait. Tomorrow I will beg my regular doctor to see me right away so I can get a referral to my fertility specialist as soon as possible. And I’ll call my specialist to see if there is any way I can get labs started before I have the referral. And the stress will begin. The waiting is such a hard part of all of this!