NEW INDICTMENTS MAKE A BIG SPLASH, BUT WHY?

The Special Council has been working hard, but they have an unlucky number of things to show for it. Finally, after months of research, interviews, and cups of joe, Robert Mueller III is ready to tell us which Russians have ruined all of our lives. Surprisingly, there are only 13 of them! So far…. 13 indictments for 13 Russians surely has to be a good start. But it’s clear 13 indictments is just the start.

ROBERT MUELLER, 13 INDICTMENTS FOR UNLUCKY 13 RUSSIANS

But I think it is important that we all know a little something about the 13 Russians who took it upon themselves to speed up the ever-approaching apocalypse. Because of them we will all be living underwater, eating expired space food, and mating for the survival of the species within 20-25 years. Exciting! 13 Russians, 13 indictments….. Robert Mueller is doing his best. But he’s keeping it all super secret as long as he can.

So here they are, in all their glory! Let’s see what’s MOST important to know:

NATASHA IVANOV

Natasha falsely posed as an American citizen from June 2015 to the present. She had to put on around 100 pounds to be believable in the role, and she is looking forward to her prison sentence as it will give her adequate time to work off those extra pounds in the prison yard.

MISHA SMIRNOV

Misha was the top guy when it came to defrauding American banks. He was always a math-wiz as a kid, but his parents never dreamed he would grow up to actually shake the hand of his supreme leader, Vladimir Putin! He actually enjoyed his time in America, so he is pleased that, due to his indictment, he will be unable to travel outside of the US for the foreseeable future.

TOMA KUZNETSOV

So Toma orchestrated the large-scale identity theft that made it possible for Donald Trump to become president. Toma was determined to steal as many people’s identities as possible that it became a game to him. He would take a shot every time he successfully stole an identity. Cheers!

SVETLANA POPOV

Svetlana was Director of Operations at the Internet Research Agency in St. Petersberg where most of the meddling took place. She was shy as a seventeen-year old just starting out in the spy business, but after forty years of the KGB and later, Putin, she has silver hair and badass attitude; nobody dares cross her. Hopefully she can keep up the persona in prison!

VASILY VASILIEV

Vasily was the main Distrust in America advocate. He started having tea with Putin years ago, and slowly but surely convinced the Russian leader that sowing distrust in the American people by making them lose faith in their political system would really piss off all those bloody Yankees. I guess he was pretty right about all of that.

VLAD PETROV

Vlad was the head software engineer for Operation Information Warfare. He was always a little concerned about that name, it seemed pretty on the nose to him, but he never said anything about it. He doesn’t know if he will ever be able to forgive himself.

VLAD SOKOLOV

Vlad worked on the creation of “the Translator Project.” He was sure that simply translating Russian fairytales into English would scare a significant number of Americans into submission. He was right.

VLAD MIKHAILOV

Vlad also worked on the “the Translator Project,” but everyone always thought he was the other Vlad, and that made him really angry.

SASHA FEDOROV

Sasha never expected to find herself in a protest, until she orchestrated one that was pro-Trump and one that was anti-Trump on the same day in the same city. Now she loves protesting!