Top Chef: Spiced With Tension

Previously – Cute Fred Savage-esque teddy bear Manuel got sent home. Somehow twin hammerheads Andrew and Spike clung on, like leeches. Leeches that attack you when you go swimming in a lake in Maine in the 50s when you and your friends are on the way to see a dead body! The lesbians haven’t taken over the house as of yet. But just you wait, soon all the men will be dead and it will be Angelina Jolie pictures on the walls and lots and lots of Tegan and Sara on the Bose. Bury that terrible yellow hat with Spike!

I just realized that the Top Chef theme is terrible. It should be in a Lifetime series about gynecologists. Antonia is annoyed that she and Zoi were in the bottom last challenge. Zoi’s ladyman Jennifer Beasty says that she’s like a “fan” of Zoi and thought that it was “ridiculous” that Zoi was almost axed.

Ryan talks about how he’s not going home. He mouths it because we know he is, so it has to be spoken faintly. There is an Asian man standing with Padma in a yellow shirt. Ming Tsai (hot name) works here in Boston! Blue Ginger? I need to go there. See, this guest chef business works! I can probably afford a glass of water and a single spring roll but whatever. The quickfire challenge is about good taste. Spike’s out.

More Top Chef, after the jump!

Padma is going to test the chefs’ palates. They will be blindfolded! Antonia apparently loves this challenge, she likes to be blindfolded. Kinky. Andrew says that if you can’t taste what good food is, “you suck.” This ho couldn’t be any dumber. He’s being controversial just to be controversial. Can he have a food processor accident or something? With his tongue? Ryan goes first. He gets it right. Padma is so happy when he gets. She’s easily amused. Stephanie doesn’t know crabs. Which is probably a good thing. Dale used his Asian persuasion to compete, but caviar defeated his ass. Sorry, Capt. Arrogant. Antonia is like making finger love to the food. I’d be a little skeeved at this display if I were Padma and Ming Tsai. She’s going to smoke a cigarette afterwards and try not to sleep in the wet spot.

Andrew messes up, so I guess, “he sucks.” I already knew that. Stephanie got nailed. She complains about not winning immunity but she keeps winning challenges so settle down. Zoi is irritated that Beasty did better than her. Beasty was just doing defending your ass so you better work on your vagina solidarity, Betrayer! Antonia’s making love to the food with her fingers and tongue paid off. Let’s just skip anymore Tantric stylings in the kitchen, ok? I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to see you causing rosemary and thyme seven hours of pleasure without orgasm.

Elimination challenge! They will be cooking for a celebrity chef charity ball. It’s for Meals on Wheels. Which is what they used to call me back in high school. Hello boys! While Padma is explaining the sitch, Nikki suddenly ages thirty-five years before our eyes. Seriously, dust just flew out from under her hairline. It’s not that serious! They will be creating the first course.

They have to form four teams and cook with one of the four elements. Sex, drugs, rock n’ roll and cash. What? Oh, right. Earth, air, fire and water. The chefs have 15 minutes to plan and execute. Richard is a bundle of nerves and he feels like they don’t have enough time. Andrew is miffed because Richard walks in like he’s “the executive chef.” You know what, Andrew? Richard’s not a douchebag. You might as well have “Summer’s Eve” tattooed on your melon. Surrender to your betters.

Beasty wants to make poultry to represent air. Darling Nikki isn’t feeling this. Antonia is against soup. Really against soup. Spike and his hat are fearful of Antonia. Antonia HATES soup. Soup stole her boyfriend. Dale wants to make deviled eggs and wrap beef around them. That sounds disgusting yet absolutely delicious at the same time. Lesbian Lisa HATES deviled eggs. Deviled eggs stole her girlfriend. Dale doesn’t like to be challenged so he doesn’t know how he’s going to work with Lesbian Lisa. Just start a conversation about what kennel you use for your dog, and Xena reruns and you’ll be fine.

Stephanie senses the tension between Lisa and Dale, and notes that Dale is a “self-proclaimed” ass. He is? Well, at least he’s honest. Now if only Spike and Andrew can acknowledge that they’re everyone I’ve ever hated, we’d be all set. Chefs attack Whole Foods. Richard’s water team is all about the fish….and the uh, water. Lesbian Lisa and Dale are arguing about how Lisa wants to knock Ming Tsai’s pants off. Lisa, I thought your ass was gay! Spike is questioning Antonia’s non-backseat status. He talks about strangling Stephanie and Antonia. Misogynist putz. Does he make his own hats? Seriously, he traded up the yellow one for this…wicker baseball cap with blue trim? It’s wrong. It looks like a failed IKEA chair. Sit down, Spike.

Richard is cooking fish in vacuum bags. He’s so intense. His faux-hawk stands in intensity. Lisa has a way to cook bacon that makes the fat fuse together. She knows her pig. She’s going to have miso-flavored bacon? That’s……new? Jennifer Beasty is not “f*cking around.” Lesbian Lisa is crabby. She’s yelling at Aging Nikki to get her gear out of their kitchen area and blathering on, etc. Dale gives her devil eyes. Well, they are the fire team. Lisa acknowledges that she can be “that bitch everyone hates.” It’s ok; I get hainty when my bacon fat doesn’t fuse, too. Ryan is worrying Nikki and Beasty because he forgot to save some pomegranate juice for their cocktail. That would worry me too! Don’t mess with my booze! I don’t care about freakin’ duck breasts! I need a chilled glass, a garnish, some booze, a tiny drop of a mixer, and some booze! Yeah, I said “booze” twice!

Nikki is channeling Amy Winehouse and sporting a beehive. Now just decay your face and bust your teeth and wait outside a prison. Perfect! Here comes Tom Colecovision. He asks Spike how it is working with Antonia and Zoi. Someone’s been watching on a hidden camera. It’s probably in Richard’s faux-hawk. Antonia plants her face right up beside Spike’s when Tom Colecovision asks him what it has been like working with the two women he said he wanted to strangle. She’ll snap, yo.

Richard wants to keep a rapport with Tom. They should make out. Tom isn’t loving his “fish Jacuzzi.” Richard’s nervous that his charm has worn off. It hasn’t on me. EVER! The kitchen is very tense, according to Ryan. Probably because Nikki is running around, throwing knives. I might have to start watching Step It Up And Dance because the ad just showed me a woman getting hurled onto the floor and called “second-grade.” The Meals on Wheels ball has started. I don’t see any homeless people, elderly or invalids. Posers. Andrew is bitching because they notice some scales on their fish as they’re plating them. This pains me to say, but I understand. Richard should have scrubbed those fish against his faux-hawk before he started boiling them!

Tom Colecovision says a few words beside a piano. The waiters are coming! And they don’t look happy about having to wait. Spike feels Zoi’s mushrooms are under seasoned. I’m always getting that complaint. Waiters serve their dishes. Is that drunken Gail? She’s so drunk; she’s practically in Ming Tsai’s lap. Ming Tsai got five scales in his mouth. Oh oh. Padma loves the shrimp. Some dude liked the bacon, but his wife’s face indicates that it gave her the willies. She probably had the same face when her daughter told her she was having lilies at her wedding or a flower girl with Down’s. People HATE Team Air’s offering. I love how some Chicago pizza mistress notes the tiny aperitif and notes “I’m irritated by this.” Being irritated by food is hot.

What is a sunchoke? Someone look it up! Ming Tsai is trying to get into Drunk Gail’s bra. I guess she could have stayed in his lap. Some Chicago rich bitch hate’s Team Earth’s dish. I would listen more carefully to what she’s saying but the woman beside her is wearing the most exquisite Harlequin ruffled jester weirdness top that I’m enthralled. Oooh, the diners get to fill out comment cards!

Team Fire did well. Lesbian Lisa’s bacon ruled. It’s the fused fat! Dale and Lesbian Lisa’s tension paid off in spades. They should open a tense but delicious eatery. Dale and Lisa burn their “Fire” sign. That’s safe. Chefs wait back at the storeroom of doom. There’s a lot of Glad products, because Glad bags are part of the prize. Padma! The Fire Team is summoned. Ming Tsai is after-glowing from his Gail experience. She’s a ride.

Lisa won! She won with her miso bacon! Dale is bitter. That’s the word he actually used. He wishes he had made Italy-garnering bacon! Hey, can you fuse fat? Richard gets nailed for the scale controversy. No one likes fish scales, Richie. Andrew is told that his caviar needed more flavor and he does this thing where he holds his finger to his lips as if wondering how reality could have turned on him in this fashion. Your fake caviar sucked, you big donkey! Deal with it! Tom Colecovision yells at the hobbit about the usefulness of parsnip. Team Earth is brought to task for their tastelessness. Zoi starts reciting the lyrics to “Scarborough Fair” in her defense of her spicing.

Spike is a douchebag and gets a dig in at Antonia during their judging. She should just turn, and knee him in his balls. He’s a snake. They should have gone with soup, it turns out. Apparently, it’s what France likes? Ming Tsai offers that. When chefs return to the storeroom, the blame game begins. Spike is being such a douche nozzle. Seriously, I’m feeling not so fresh, yet I still wouldn’t use that brand. Jennifer Beasty is consoling Zoi, and Spike seems offended by it. Will you be protesting at any funerals in the future, Rev. Phelps?

Tom Colecovision wants to dump Zoi AND Spike for letting Antonia run the show. I think Beasty’s losing her lady. This isn’t going to be pretty. Beasty smash! I could watch Colecovision wield a cell phone in those meaty paws for hours. Zoi’s gone. She actually hugs Spike? He doesn’t need a hug, he needs a slap! Richard is crying. Someone hug Richard! Jennifer Beasty is bullshit. She’s seriously ready to smashmouth football someone. Spike lets loose on Antonia. The soup rejection has really got him riled. Hey, soup stole her boyfriend! Jennifer Beasty gets riled at Spike. Then Dale jumps in and starts yelling at Lisa! It’s crazy. It’s like every bad relationship you ever had! I like how Dale grabs his nuts to yell at Lisa. Street cred!