Why the Guys You Want Don’t Want You

One of the most frustrating and puzzling relationship issues is determining why the guys you want don’t seem to want you.

A lot of our readers are in these types of situations; that’s probably what led them to A New Mode to begin with. They are involved with a guy who just doesn’t seem to be as interested. He’s into it, he’s attracted, he likes hanging out with her, but he’s not quite there. She, on the other hand, has gone all in and the fact that he isn’t at the same point leaves her with a constant feeling of unease just beneath the surface.

If you have been in several situations like this, you might start to wonder if it’s you, if you’re doing something wrong. But then how can that be when all these other guys, the ones you don’t want, are desperate to date you? Why is it that the commitment and the proclamations of love and devotion only seem to come from the guys you don’t want and not the ones you do?

Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life?

There was Craig the writer; he reached out to me about doing guest columns for some leading publications and then we went on a few dates. In addition to getting a career boost, he was also a fantastic guy. He called (yes, called, not texted!) just to say hi, he never left me hanging, he eagerly talked about me meeting his friends and family, he absolutely adored me, but ehh … I just wasn’t so into it.

There was Tom (not his real name because I actually can’t remember his real name, but I assure you he’ll never forget mine!). He did sound production for Broadway plays and he was really cute and cool. And he worshipped me. He stared at me like I was some divine being and wanted so badly for me to fall in love with him at the same rate he was falling for me. But no, I just couldn’t.

Then there was Ben. We went out on about five dates and on the first date, I stupidly left my keychain wallet in my apartment, locking myself out and leaving me without any cash or cards for the entire night. He was a total gem and stayed out with me until 2 a.m. when my roommate finally came home. Our dates were always great and he was a wonderful guy who thought I was the smartest unicorn on the planet, but no, not him. At the same time I was dating Ben I dated Brian – now Brian I liked!

Brian was an aspiring poet who taught guitar to children to make ends meet and slept on a mattress in a dingy Bushwick apartment. He was sexy, he was aloof, he was lost, and I had to get in there, to know what was going on in that head of his.

I was transfixed. We went on three wonderful dates. After the third, he told me he was going to California for a week but would be in touch when he got back. We shared a passionate kiss and I floated home on a cloud, I could not wait for my new love to return from the West Coast.

But I never heard from him again and I was distraught. I even sent him a text well after a week had gone by asking how his trip was and I got radio silence. How could he not respond? What did I do wrong? Did I kiss him back too passionately? Did it come across as desperate? Should I have acted more indifferent when he said he would be in touch when he got back, maybe responded with a casual, “Cool, sounds good,” instead of, “Great! I can’t wait!”?

How is it I could be the most spectacular goddess to the guys I was indifferent to, but a take-it-or-leave-it to the guys who actually did stir something in me?

I got married a few months ago to a guy that, from the beginning, I really liked and he really liked me back! It was probably my first relationship where the levels of interest were equally reciprocated and it marked my full recovery from wanting guys who didn’t want me. But why was this such a problem for me for so long? And why is it something that plagues so many women out there?

Let’s investigate:

1. You Want Him

One of the biggest reasons the guys you want don’t want you comes down to the simple fact that you want them.

When we want something, it represents something to us and we internalize the having of that thing as meaning something about us. If we can get the guy, then we’re validated, we’re worthy of love, we have succeeded. If we can’t get him to want us, then there is something wrong with us; we are flawed and unlovable.

Wanting puts you into agenda mode. You meet a guy who has a set of qualities that you want in a man and you make it your mission to have him. From that point on you measure your interactions with him in terms of whether they’re getting you closer to, or further from, your ultimate goal. When you have an agenda, you are interacting with the thoughts in your mind and this prevents you from building a genuine connection.

The minute you decide you want him, he is no longer a person with his own desires, needs, and wants. He is a thing that you need to acquire. This mindset seems innocent enough, but ultimately, it is what blocks you from getting what it is you want.

2. You stress over how he feels.

When you want a guy and aren’t sure if he wants you back, your mind can’t help but stress over how he feels. You tally up the signs he likes you, you go over every interaction, you read into every single text looking for clues. You are essentially playing emotional detective, and participating in this line of obsessive thinking transmits a desperate, needy vibe that men can intuitively pick up on.

When you go on a quest to figure out how he feels, your fears and insecurities will inevitably get activated and this will come across. Most mainstream dating advice focuses on how you behave when really, your vibe is what determines if a guy will be drawn to you or repelled from you.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s the intention behind it.

If you are acting a certain way in order to make him feel a certain way about you, he will intuitively sense that you aren’t genuine, that you are trying to get something from him, and his guard will instinctively go up because that’s how all people naturally respond when we sense someone has ulterior motives.

It’s much like a car salesman who comes up to you and is all nice and jovial and seemingly interested in you as a person. You don’t buy it because you know that, while he might be very nice and might like you very much, he is really just trying to sell you something and that is driving all his behaviors.

3. Too much pressure

It doesn’t matter if you come out and ask him where things are going or if he has feelings for you, if you mentally want something from a guy (in this case, a commitment), he will know and will feel pressured.

Even if you’re just waiting by the phone for his text…I don’t know how, but he will just know. This is why the guys you aren’t so into are usually so into you … because there’s no pressure. You’re just feeling it out and testing the waters and he feels a sense of freedom in the relationship.

Here is a very important thing to realize about how men fall in love. Men usually fall for a woman based on how they feel when they’re around her.

Women, on the other hand, usually have a mental checklist and if a guy checks off enough boxes, she’ll see him as a potential romantic partner and will begin to invest and get excited about the possibilities.

Sure, most men have a certain “type,” but they rarely go out seeking a specific set of qualities. What makes a man commit is how he feels in your presence. When he feels pressured in any way, then it leaves little room for him to feel anything else and it causes him to lose whatever interest he had in you.

4. Not connecting to who he is, his core essence

As I said, when you have an agenda, you are engaging with the thoughts in your head, and not with the person in front of you. A lot of the times, we convince ourselves that we like a guy just because he matches up with our dating checklist, not because we have gotten to know who he truly is at his core.

No man wants to feel like he’s filling a slot that any other dude could easily occupy. Maybe you like that he’s good-looking, employed, funny, tall, nice, etc., but there are millions of other guys like that out there.

A guy wants to feel chosen because of how great he is, because of who he is at his core, not because he meets some minimum requirement of characteristics.

A lot of the time, the guys you want don’t want you because you don’t make an effort to truly connect with him as a person. You see him as a means to an end, an opportunity to have a boyfriend and settle down, without really taking the time to get to know him.

When you connect with a man, he feels safe. And as I explained, a man bonds with a woman when he feels good in her presence and feeling safe always feels good.

5.You choose the guys who can’t give you what you want

Lastly, a reason why the guys you want don’t want you is that you’re going after guys who aren’t in a position to be capable of having any sort of relationship.

These are the guys who are selfish or in a bad place or confused about what they want or are nowhere near ready for a relationship. I can relate this one the most because it was my pattern for far too long.

Time and time again I would go after guys who I now refer to as “damage cases.” They were always sexy and charming and exciting…and horribly damaged. But I’m a fixer, I fix things! And so, I would always make it my mission to try and save them.

Sadly for me, it doesn’t quite work that way and I lived my life in a place of “if onlys.” If only he had his act together … if only he got over his emotional issues … if only his ex-girlfriend wasn’t so awful, then we’d be happy.

Another fun fact about men and commitment is if he’s not ready, nothing you do will matter and you’ll just be chasing your tail in circles.

So there you have it, reasons you want the guys who don’t want you.

The solution is pretty simple. Continue to work on yourself, to enjoy your life, to keep your mind and your options open. Figure out what kind of guy you want and what kind of relationship you want and realize that you are deserving of it, so don’t settle for what you don’t want. If you’re ready to settle down and get married and start a family, don’t date guys who still act like frat boys thinking you’ll be the one to encourage him to suddenly grow up.

Work on your sense of self-love above all else. When you have that, then you won’t stress over your love life and have a feeling of so much being at stake. You’ll be able to relax and enjoy the dating process instead of feeling chewed up and spit out by it.

I hope this article helped you realize why the guys you like don’t like you back, and hopefully you’ve gained some insights that will help you address the issue. But there are two more things you need to be away of. At some point, a guy may start to pull away and lose interest. You panic, thinking you’re going to lose him forever. Do you know what to do to get things back on track? If not, read this next: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...

The next issue arises at that inevitable point when the man asks himself: Do I want to commit to this woman for the long term? The answer will determine everything. Do you know what makes a man see a woman as girlfriend/wife material? Do you know what inspires a man to commit? If not, you need to read this next The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman

Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life?

Im sorry, but how can your first word of advise be to not show youre interested in him, when you said in the article directly above that youve met your now-husband — who apparntly has “liked you as much as you liked him?” Seems a bit hypocritical… i think i get the meaning u intended– dont let on full-monty b/c thats coming on too strong, but id revise that bit if i were you, because it seems rather hypocritical, and put me off wanting to really read further

I appreciate your feedback. So the point I was making (or trying to make) isn’t that it’s bad to want a guy, what’s bad is to obsess over the wanting. What causes problems is that feeling of “I have to have him and make him mine!” because then you have something to lose if it doesn’t work out, and when you have something to lose it puts you in a place of fear and when you’re coming from a place of fear, you come across as desperate and needy.

It’s totally fine to like a guy, but what I was saying is you should just let it flow and evolve effortlessly. You should have an attitude of “if this works out, great! if not, I’ll be fine,” as opposed to an attitude of “I need things to work out with this guy or I’ll be devastated. This is what trips women up a lot of the time. They meet a guy and even though they barely know him, they decide he’s perfect for them and she makes is a mission to capture him, this is what I mean when I say you’re in agenda mode. And then she ends up chasing after him and that ruins everything.
Showing interest isn’t a bad thing. It’s fixating on having him and feeling like you won’t be OK unless you can get him to like you back is the problem. Hope that clears things up!

Hey, Zero, theres someone out there for everybody, it just may take some more time….dont worry! And heck, when it comes down to it, we have ourselves, and those around us (such as your daughters) that love us and care about who we are. Although men have a purpose, most things we ladies can do well, if not better, on our own. Lonliness is a struggle, i hear ya, but youre not alone, i mean just look at all of us other commenters, in the same boat as you– i feel my shortcomings may make me undatable too, but deep down thats just human insecurities, we all have them, just as we have the great parts of our characters. Dont give up!

It’s not complicated. It is simply what dating is about. When two connect, it’s immediate then comes the work of watching interaction with both sets of parents. For guys, study and study and study your possible mother-in-law. That is what you’re getting… no matter what your finance’s spirit may be at the moment. One more thing. When old timers claim that marriage is forever and takes constant adjustments, they’re serious.

You explained my entire dating life. I’ve always had a good self-esteem, always took care of myself by dressing nice and doing my hair and makeup and working out. I’m very empathetic and always outgoing and friendly. I’m college educated. I’ve always had tons of male attention throughout my life. Even during my overweight days, men always said how sexy I was. But, whenever I had my eye on a specific guy, I would go chase him and he would eventually run away. They all do this lol. They are at first shocked that I would even look at them, never mind want to date them, but eventually they will pull away and I would get my ego bruised once again. Oh, they all start out as “I can’t believe you like me. I like you too. Wow.” Eventually, for a lot of men, it falls into a dark period of mistrust and insecurity. I would get hit on constantly at bars in front of a guy that I wanted and he would get upset or think I’m cheating. I would reassure him that I only like and want to be with him. The problem is this, a lot of men can’t shake the irrational thoughts that go on in their minds and they are left with the idea of not being able to deal with the attention you get. If you are a woman that gets a lot of attention from men, you have either players that seek your type or beta men that are scared to death of you or you get the occasional narcissist that is deeply insecure and jealous of you yet acts like he’s god’s gift to women.
Just like your Brian, I had a guy just like that. Aloof, emotionally unavailable, a lot younger than me, no college education, a job to get by, quirky, lived in a one room apartment with no kitchen and had to share a bathroom with other tenants, not what you would call universally attractive (he was cute), no car and broke as hell. I mean, broke broke. He had absolutely nothing to offer me in a relationship besides his humor, personality and sex. He even said during one of our last interactions “Look, I’m broke af. I don’t know what I want with you/this etc.” But, I didn’t want anything from him. I liked him for him and you will be surprised of how many men in his situation run from women because THEY feel like they can’t provide enough for them. When you push too much and try to reassure that you like them as is and that you aren’t looking for anything else, they actually feel like you are pushing them too much and in the end, they run further away from you. Another issue I find is that when a guy who is insecure sees you get a lot of attention while he is with you, he at first will feel like a king. But, after a while, that fades fast and he grows annoyed and starts to get irrational thoughts in his mind about trust issues. Even though we were only seeing each other as it only a few months of knew him and not actually boyfriend/girlfriend, he was always questioning my trust. I couldn’t even joke around and tell him so and so is cute. That would set him off. At this point, they will always start to pull away and grow distant. My kind words of advice; don’t chase after these men! The more you chase, the more you make them anxious and they will never want to talk to you again. With this guy, he went off seeing someone that is more on his level. His age, mediocre looks and the same way of life. What does that do to us? It’s left us in utter shock right? How this guy can chose her over me? Meanwhile, you remain in his “friend zone” forever now. You shake it off. You continue to do you. You post a selfie on social media and oh look, over 100 likes and everyone once again telling you how gorgeous you are. Yet, the one guy you wanted to notice never likes your pics lol.

This is my entire life story with dating. Thank you for posting this. And thanks to the author for writing this article. It’s mercury retrograde and all of these men are coming up in my past. It’s really tough for me, because, I , too, have even gained weight, yet men hit on me constantly. It’s starting to get frustrating and annoying because I know how meaningless it all is. I also look much younger than I truly am (around 10 years younger and I’m 34)… so I attract younger, more immature men. I’m a single mother to an 8-year old son. That’s also a drawback for many men. But to be honest, I feel as though I’m ONLY 34 and if I need to wait even longer to find someone who is going to treat me the way I should be treated and make me feel the way I should feel in love–then it’s worth the wait.

Sound concise and to the point, to the root point advice. Thank you. Really hit the point – clarified for me why I kept fixating on “why hasn’t he asked me out yet?!?” Which I noticed I was doing and noticed within myself that I was doing, and not liking, but had no idea why I felt compelled to keep thinking about it; even though I knew it wasn’t any good nor felt any good. However I had felt unable to put the thoughts to rest and KNOW WHY I was doing it. This helped in doing so, understanding, tremendously, and with enough force to completely shut down the compulsion and energy towards the constant questioning and unsettled feelings. Thank you.

Two things I keep getting stuck on…
1) Sexual frustration and need for intimacy. I feel like these are basic human needs. I am not interested in casual sex. Masturbation doesn’t cut it. But I’m supposed to be totally content with my single life despite this void? I feel like it’s telling a starving person to be happy despite hunger pains. Ignoring it is lying to yourself.
2) The solution to the conundrum of wanting those who don’t want you is to switch places….you don’t want them so that they DO want you. Well first, you can’t trick your brain into that. If you’re attracted to someone, then you just ARE. Second, if you never want anyone then why bother with a relationship to begin with?
I have never been into bad boys or guys who aren’t relationship material. I just don’t find the men who like me physically attractive. It is no mystery. They are not cute guys I wished I liked. I don’t like their faces, their bodies, their pheromones….the idea of sex with them is a turn-off. OR I find a guy physically attractive, but I know he is not good for me, and I have no interest in something that’s only physical. I am turned off by them emotionally.
The men I do find attractive who seem like relationship material just aren’t interested in me. They don’t try to talk to me. They will chat up women who are objectively less pretty though. I am told it’s because I seem unapproachable or unfriendly. But if I make any effort to be merely friendly, then they get turned off more. Of course, I am not supposed to have an agenda…got it…but that goes back to lying to oneself about your basic human desires and needs.

I could’ve wrote those words myself. I think maybe that’s all Im good for is just sex. Only thing is goes against my morals and values. But the frustration and needing some intimacy is killing me! Guess I’ll just have sex and turn off emotions. It’s been offered.

I dont recommend that! If youre sensitive at all, regardless of if you want to be or not– it will turn out for the worst, at least it did for me. Humans can not stop an emotion. If you dont allow it to exist and process, it will fester where you bury it– without processing, emotions do not actually leave. And you do NOT want to jam-pack that emotional suitcase, cause at some point, itll blow

it’s simple here’s the answer the ones we want don’t want us because they feel they can do better and the ones we don’t want well there not attractive at all and on the desperate side remember people no one wants to be with people that are desperate and just looking to be with in body and usually those are the unattractive people that nobody wants

I can tell you a bunch of those hot and colds for me actually became somone I dated both that were male and female. Most of my hot and colds were friends but one was a guy I met on skype. Did we last? No, but it wasn’t because of his hot and cold as for the fact he was a chriminal that had me worrying about him every day. Calling me when there was a shooting at his house and things like that. Finally He got hurt so badly he was in a coma and his brother dated me. Another hot and cold this one female eventually asked me out after I been circling around asking them out. Yawn we didn’t last either but we were LDR and she was younger than me with untreated bipolar. I hate to say it but a bunch of common beliefs here don’t work for me.

> Men usually fall for a woman based on how they feel when they’re around her.
>
> Women, on the other hand, usually have a mental checklist.

Seriously? To me it usually appears the other way around.
My impression is that women will judge me based on how they feel on a date and what exactly triggered that I may or may not find out about. In some cases it would seem obvious, if she brings up a bad past relationship, ill family member or the likes in a conversation, then I need to steer the conversation away from that or less than good feelings accompanying that will seemingly associate with me.

On the other hand, I have a couple of things on my list that is sexy: Sweetness, kindness, patience, openness, being serious about relationships and having a bit between the ears; these fairly consistently attract me.

I agree with what you’ve said and have long thought I want a partner and a guy who is interested in commitment, but I so rarely meet any single men or men I’m attracted to who are interested in me at all (ie going on a date), that it is becoming increasingly difficult as I get older (mid 30s+) to find a man who isn’t either “coated in issues/have commitment problems”. I deep down sense that the ones I do finally meet, and go on dates with, after long waits and searches, soon enough take the attitude of “she’s older so I can treat her however I wish”, and dispose of her in horrible, callous ways once she starts expecting some commitment or input from him? As there is tinder/online dating and I live in London, a massive City of millions of commitment phobic men and endless young women migrants, the reality is that men can openly be rude to you and make you hang on because they know they can go back online anytime and pick up new women without having to commit to one who wants more than just dates and flings. This is the only way I can explain how i get treated now. Whenever it gets to the commitment stage, and start wanting more than the fun, carefree dates, or notice they are not making the effort to remember what you said or do things you like and which matter to you, they lose interest. How do you find a man who is ready to commit and is emotionally mature in such a situation? It’s not that I lack that mindset, or have an empty life, I am often busier and have more social arrangements than the men I date, but it never gets to the commitment stage anymore. I am picking up earlier and earlier when they are not really into it by their actions or body language or the fact I have to ask them to call me – and guys seem not to call, just text – which I hate and can’t bond with them over as I like to hear their voice. I note their lack of enthusiasm and give up when they start becoming defensive when I ask for a bit more involvement. I feel heartbroken that having an emotionally involved and stable relationship seems increasingly elusive as I get older, and there are less emotionally mature men around. The older ones often have similar issues. I don’t feel old. I am slim, intelligent and well-educated, but I just struggle to meet any single men who are employed and want a relationship with me (or anyone over 21).

Hi, just wondering. Does this apply to mature boyfriend/girlfriend relationship 3 years running?
My boyfriend was into spending his spare time with me, even giving me surprise visits during the first 1 and 1/2 years into the relationship. Now running 3 1/2 years, he doesn’t text or call unless I initiate the contact. I am confused. Is this a sign of a relationship about to end?

hi everyone I have a question?
I was attracted to guy and I tried to connect with him, tried to know him, we even went on a date once. But more I was trying to know him and showed interst by asking questions more he withdrawed till the point that a month after we were on that date we saw each other on an event and he acted like doesn’t know me, then I stoped any interaction and decided to leave him the space but he never contacted me back. yesterday I saw him after almost one moth and a half with no contact and I still had the impression he avoids me at one point we were looking at eachother but nothing in his face showed some emotion like when you look at someone you know. Well I should be honest and say that he is not an expressive type of person at all and very very introuvert.
So my question is : how to deal in that kind of situations? Is there a way to make him give me a second chance? It hapens to me quite often , well always with guys i like and we never even really date I was so absorbed to be everything described in this article that he probably doesn’t even know the real me. And it’s super strange because i have many male friends that are intouverts and usually i get on very well with that kind of people.

I have a question and I don’t want any judgement I really just need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now and around the 6 month mark I saw a message on his phone that a girl he was talking to found out he had a girlfriend. I of course confronted him about it and he told me he met her on tinder awhile ago and that he invited her over for a party he was throwing for some of his single guy friends. I believed it, but deep down couldn’t let it go and we broke up for about a week and a half. We got back together trying to put differences aside and I found out during the time we were broken up he had finally met up with this girl for the first time and they hung out (I’m not upset about what happened while we were apart because we weren’t together) and I found out they were talking again. He wasn’t talking to her anymore once we were back together and blocked her on everything because I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him talking to her. So she messaged me on Facebook and had told me that they have been talking over the last couple of months and that he had always texted her saying he wanted to see her while we were together, but she never met up with him. I told him this information and he got very upset and started crying saying he didn’t want to lose me and that it meant nothing and he never actually met her in person while we were together they were just texting. I still feel very upset about this and like I can’t trust him. I really want to be with him but I don’t know if he really loves or cares about me. I have told him if he wants to be single and not in a relationship with me so he can do what he wants and he keeps telling me he doesn’t want me to go anywhere and that I’m the only one he wants. I don’t understand why he would want to be with me if he is interested in talking to other girls and getting on tinder while he’s with me. I really need advice. He has been going through a lot of stuff with family and financial problems and sometimes claims to be depressed and resorts to drugs to make him happy, but I just don’t know whether to believe he really truly loves me and wants to be with me. Any help would be great!

I need to know how to stop being that girl that over analyses every little thing and just takes it one day at a time? Because I am unfortunately that girl 100% of the time . I’m trying to change my mindset but i feel like i need something else . I am seeing this guy and it’s happening again the honeymoon phase the analyzing too much phase etc . How can I change this habit of mine or what can I do?
Thanks guys!

First, I would like to say that I have posted before but I cannot figure out how to find my previous comments and potential responses to them. But my issue is that nothing, anywhere, on any forum or the entire Web seems to address my exact dilemma, which is that I do not want to settle down, I do not have such an agenda. All I want is exactly what guys want, in terms of being in the moment with someone without concerns with where things are going. The issue is that I fall in love, and being in love is part of what feels good to me in this place, the “sweet spot”, that guys like too. The only problem is finding someone that I can fall in love with, passionately, that can keep things at the pace I am comfortable with, which is simply hearing from him every few days and going out maybe once a week, more or less, dressing sexy, him appreciating that and wanting each other real bad. I have many years of committed experience behind me, and it is ultimately unsatisfying. I do not need companionship most of the time. I enjoy the ideas of freedom to have options, if I choose, and this in itself keeps me faithful emotionally and physically. please do not tell me I need therapy. I am not drinking the coolaid, so to speak, in terms of settling for something mundane and boring which conceals me like a tomb. I would rather be free and hopeful, and occasionally sad and frustrated, then the latter only stuck in it. I had a man for four years that I indeed loved and was deeply attached to. however, he had issues, probably with alcoholism, though I’m not sure if he was actually an alcoholic or just a bachelor doing what many-fun-single men do. He also may have had a sex addiction, but I’m not sure about that either. Definitely was a bit narcissistic and an excellent lover. Only problem was he thought of me, not as a friends with benefits, because we were never “friends.” He used me, though I tried not to let that happen. I wouldn’t go see him most of the times he asked, which went from maybe once every two weeks in the early days, to three or four times a week (that he contacted me) off and on for most of the year s we saw each other. I also insisted we go on dates, because he would have me just have quick hookups if he had his way. I had to struggle a bit to keep from being chewed up and discarded. And that is why it lasted so long. When it ended, several times, I ended it, he never “left” me, in other words. I had to end it, however, when I found out that in the last two years he actually had a real girlfriend. I knew he saw other people, but I did not know he would get a commitment when he clearly could not stay monogamous. I told her about me, did not mention the fact he saw others, and ended it for good with him. I still have feelings, he’s still in my heart, because of the way we were sort of in the sweet spot forever, I am used to him always coming back. But I need a replacement, and am terrified of going through all of that dating stuff. I am not afraid of rejection, most people think that is why I’m afraid to date. I am afraid of all those I will reject, and the awkwardness of it all. I’m afraid of not finding anyone who lights my fire, that won’t break my heart. There has to be some guys want whatvIbdi, and could fall in love like I do, and stay faithful simply because of the fun and attraction. I don’t get it when people say, and even he said this, that they’re just having fun and not “serious”. I love fun, doesn’t everyone? What’s fun about routine and habits, and saying “I love you” just because you’re used to saying it. I told my dude I love you once, and I was sincerely feeling it when I said it. Tge words flowed so naturally and sincerely, and he looked at me with geniune concern and almost empathy (he had a problem with empathy) and then I said,” just kidding”. He never said it to me, but he did say it to his girlfriend. I don’t think I will ever hear from him again because I told her about me. In his mind, since we had no relationship and I had no right to do that. But I’m not a whore who hooks up with commited men, and I had to clear myself.

Hi Sabrina-Thanks for the article/comments. I have discovered the futility of the “hot/cold/he does or doesn’t” scenario. It is painful, but the last time I was told that he “couldn’t make me any promises” and enjoyed my company but did not want to” lead me on”-I got out right away ,knowing although it hurt to walk away because a lot of things were great-it still was not what I needed/wanted and I would only hurt worse later if I thought I could change him/the situation. I agree that being confident and not having an agenda in your head is the way to go.

Hey idk if its the right place to ask for an advise or not but and sorry if it’s too long message
I’m in a LDR with my boyfriend and its been a year now, its been ups and down at first but he tried to work it out more than i did so we broke up and then later after couple months he came back to me and we get back together and we were the happiest couple in the world literally, we talk everyday since we wake up until we sleep, he would make me go to sleep by singing to me and sleep with me while he’s on the line almost everyday, he would stay with me instead of being with his friends, even if he got busy he make time for me. He was so caring and sweet, he tells me when he misses me and tell me he loves me everytime, i do all of that the same thing, and that last for like 7 months i think.
And after that he came so cold with me suddenly !, replying my text with one word and take like a whole day to reply with that one word, i noticed that and i told him whats wrong and he said there’s nothing, i thought he don’t love me anymore, so i just asked him cause i couldn’t handle the coldness, at first he said he don’t know but then he said he still love me. After a couple days he broke up with me in the worst way in history, i got hurt a lot but after a moth he came back again saying he missed me and missed taking care of me !, i accepted him back cause i still love him and think that we’re so good together even with what he did, and we were great again, talking a lot didn’t ignore my text or anything
After a couple weeks of getting back together he again gave me the coldness again !!!, ignore my text, and answer me after a whole day or even more with one word ! and don’t spend time with me a lot and go with his friends when they tell him to even when he’s with me and if i told him i wanna be with him for a longer hours he said ” i won’t be with me 24\7″ !!, and don’t come and talk to me unless he wants something or its been a week since we talk !. But when we skype or something he’s nice and talk to me like there’s nothing wrong, i’m so confused. I haven’t changed a bit i have been the same since the first time we met, maybe when he started to act cold i got needy a little but i stopped doing that fast
I have read lot of what you guys write here and i’m doing it, like give him a space and get busy in my life (in fact i am busy) and not overthinking it and enjoying the relationship and stuff but i’m frustrating and confused i don’t know what to do ! do i have to talk to him about how i feel ? i don’t wanna ruin our relationship :”(

Maybe 0.0001% of people on Earth have disciplined their mind so much that they really never have negative thoughts anymore.

For the rest of us, I don’t expect anyone to not have negative thoughts or negative reactions sometimes… and I’m sure Sabrina doesn’t expect that either. What any person can do is choose not to feed into the negativity… That choice makes all the difference.

The people who are most successful in having good relationships learned to stop feeding into negative thoughts, emotions and reactions… they’ll happen from time to time, but you don’t need to feed them… ever.

She is not talking about negative thoughts or emotions. She is talking about desire. If you desire a man, then he senses it and gets turned off. If wonder about and fantasize about a future with him, then somehow this affects your vibes and he feels pressured and gets turned off. So how does one come to love without desire? And why bother if there’s no desire?

It’s not possible to control thoughts when you really feel attracted to someone; it’s imposible not to think about him or wait for his text. What do you suggest then? To give up men that we like and accept the ones we don’t like?

But it IS possible. Or rather, it’s possible to write your own story. For example, maybe you’re thinking: I like him so much, he’s so amazing. What if he doesn’t like me? What will I do? I won’t ever find anyone as good as him! I can’t screw this up!” In that case, you can re-write the story you tell yourself. You can make it, “I really like him. I hope he likes me. But if he doesn’t then I’ll be fine because I’m an awesome girl and I’ll find someone who can give me what I want.” It does’t even matter if you believe it, but tell yourself that anyway! You create the way you feel about yourself. And no, I’m not saying go for guys you aren’t attracted to and never think about him. You just need to engage in a line of thinking where you feel good about yourself, not where you feel panicked, insecure, and anxious, where you feel like the world will end if this guy leaves you. That’s just not a healthy attitude to take and that’s what I’m trying to help you break free from.

Thanks so much for all the articles you guys write and I completely understand. Your articles give me insight into things I have little to no knowledge of. It’s great to have someone give you the rundown on these type of things .
You guys are awesome !

1. What was different when it finally worked out for you? It can’t be that he liked you back, as you established that these guys do like us. So, did you do something differently? Or maybe your guy was just diferent (not into games)?
2. What can we do to change things? Or is it too late? We’ve already made our feelings clear and questioned the status of the relationship.

This is so frustrating. It has taken me years to meet a guy that I am really interested in, and who is single. He is interested in me too but is hot and cold. I recognised real interest from his side when I went on holiday, and he realised what a great time I was having without him. He was full-on when I got home but quickly returned to his usual flakiness. He has blamed timing but has also said he’s confused as to why he isn’t pursuing me like he normally would. This leads me to think that “timing” is just an excuse, although we do have potentially awkward circumstances (he might be leaving the country in 5 months).

It has only really been two months but it has been painful for me. I ended it a few weeks ago but we are still contacting each other. He wanted to continue to see me but to take things slowly and seems to be under the impression that we will reconnect in a couple of months.

What was different for me was I finally internalized what it was that I wanted in a man and from a relationship. I knew I wanted something serious, I wanted to settle down. I had been dating around for over a decade and I was tired of the dead end relationships and guys who were hot and cold and had me spinning all over the place. I firmly decided to stop wasting my time and only allow myself to consider guys who could give me what I wanted, that means guys who aren’t coated in issues and have commitment problems. My mantra became: I want a partner, not a project.

In terms of your situation, I can’t say anything definitively given the limited amount of information but “hot and cold” or mixed messages is usually one clear message: He’s not interested enough. The excuses and whatever only prove that further. I know you hold onto the fact that he did show real interest at some point, but you need to pay equal if not more attention to what he’s doing the rest of the time, and he’s just not giving you enough. He’s not giving you what you need and want. It sounds like he’s not ready, but he’s still kind of into you so he wants to keep you around, but he’s not into it enough to really go all in so really, what’s the point? The more time you waste with guys who can’t give you what you want, the longer you delay finding someone who is able to give it to you. Try to take some space from this guy and focus on yourself for a bit. See if that gives you some clarity. Hope that helps…