They’re bringing out Rachel to give live commentary on the finale for the first time. How else could they fill THREE HOURS. This makes it feel incredibly anti-climactic. Rachel's clearly there against her own will: "I don’t know why you guys keep doing this stuff to me... Can I leave?" ​Feels so Hunger Games: "This trip doesn't end when you get back home... From now on, your job is to be a distraction. So people forget what the real problems are."

LOL RACHIE YOU TELL THE BEST JOKES

Why doesn’t Rachel crash viewing parties? Lord Harrison peers into our souls as Rachel talks about where her head was at on the date with Hot Peter for the millionth time.

Are you guys getting all this suffering?

Back to the Show...
Hot Peter and Rachel continue their fantasy suite date. Hot Peter: "What if I’m not ready to say will you marry me?" Rachel: "Honestly? That I’m trying not to cry." They haven’t even had sex and she's demanding he know if he'll propose already... My main takeaway this episode is that Rachel's Ex traumatized her by never wanting to take things to the next level and she's totally over-correcting for it in her current relationships... Rachel cries and Hot Peter accepts the fantasy suite.

THE NEXT MORNING...
Peter and Rachel bang out and then pop out the windows.

Now, we can't show penetration yet, but can you please recreate first entry for us with a metaphor?

​Bryan-of-Olga’s Fantasy Suite Date
Rachel and Bryan-of-Olga ride horses in a vineyard. She picks the "brown one of course" because "it matches me." Bryan-of-Olga says a bunch more Mad Libs-love-version-bullshit about their relationship: "I'm looking to be really romantic, just the ease and the comfort level that we have, is something that can’t be compared to. So I’m just looking to continue that."

It's something that can't be compared and relationships journey right reasons she has great personality amongst beauty. Did you get what you need somewhere in there?

Rachel: "Peter messed with my mind." Bryan-of-Olga notices, saying it was "Just awkward... I felt like she wasn’t all there."

Later at Dinner…
Bryan tells Rachel, "I didn’t feel you all 100% there... Like you know how women have their intuition?" Like you know how anything my mother has ever said has been right? Rachel: "It’s nothing personal to you or what you did or what you said." Bryan-of-Olga: "I felt down." Rachel looks at him like a child: “Did you feel down?”

And with that, Bryan-of-Olga has won the Fantasy Suite. He accepts with his standard percentage of enthusiasm: "Absolutely. 1000%. Thank you, Chris." Bryan side-smiles creepily and really shows us dem cheeks. ​

Oh shit! Thanks for hookin it up, Chris!

As they walk to the suite, Bryan-of-Olga says he's ready to break down her walls and "take that last brick down."

The next morning…
We see Spanish banging imagery.

Lord Harrison also sanctioned this pollination

As post-coital humans do, Rachel and Bryan-of-Olga intimately make out whilst feeding each other strawberries.

Only when you've smashed the last brick do you receive the fruit

​ROSE CEREMONY
Rachel: "I’m extra sensitive because this is the rose ceremony where I want home."

I'm extra sensitive because this might be the round that crowns the next Bachelor.

Rachel says something very pointed about wanting a proposal, "not a boyfriend", and then picks Bryan-Of-Olga and Hot Peter. Goodbye Eric.

Rachel: "Eric is such an amazing and beautiful person. It’s also why I’m not completely confident in my decision to say goodbye to him."
Eric gets in limo: "I’m just going to miss her bro… She was the one for sure."

All of my romantic experience at that one Prom has told me that she was my soul mate.

Hot Peter acknowledges Rachel calling him out about proposals: "She looked at me like dead in my eyes."

It's so weird, usually once someone looks directly into my eyes their threats stop IMMEDIATELY and they undress.

Peter and Bryan take turns hugging Rachel. ​She cheerses both of them.

To the two best lays who wear rings and to the one ring that will rule them all.

Eric comes out at the Live Finale...
He looks great with facial hair. Lord Harrison: "How’s your heart?" Eric: "She told me she loved me and then I got the boot." Eric admits he was ready to propose and was "locked in." Rachel uses a classic line: "You’re going to be so great for someone else."

That feeling when you've already got thousands of "someone else's" lined up

BACK TO SHOW...
Bryan-of-Olga trudges through a field.

Mom never makes me get up this early...

Hot Peter takes notes on his emotions.

Dear Diary... What I wouldn't give for some quality Guy Time right now to really sort out my feelings...

​Bryan-Of-Olga's Last DateRachel: "We’re going to explore Rioja in a different way." It would be great if this meant through the sewers. They go on a hot air balloon. ​They wave to a family. Bryan is clearly pissed he had to get up early for this date: "What are they doing up so early?"

What are they doing up so early? I understand that I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to get the W, but what's their endgame here?

Later that Night...Rachel: "You have been a great surprise for me and it’s been beautiful getting to know you… I’m used to fixing, I’m used to saving."

I THOUGHT DEAN WAS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE!!! ​

Rachel's saying Hot Peter is the project. Bryan-of-Olga doesn't think she should go with Project Peter though: "I realize there’s somebody else here but I’m confident that I can make you the happiest. I think it would be a mistake if you didn’t choose me." UGH.

I love you but I only wish for your happiness above all if that means you'll be with me and not the other guy.

​Bryan made her a Spanish English dictionary to summarize his meaningless love affirmations. Babe, just close your eyes and point to a few different words and you'll get a classic Bryanism. It includes "Lips", "Chemistry", and misspelling "Por Siempre."

Hot Peter and Rachel go to a Monastery. There's a series of religious images and then a monk asks them their thoughts on "marriage."

Oh yes, pressuring the visitors to get married is standard on this monastery tour.

Hot Peter gives the monk his spiel on the importance and sanctity of marriage and then they go outside. Rachel asks him about the future again. Hot Peter describes their dulllllll future: "I can see football games and baseball nights and the farmers market and wine night with painting."

I can see football games, wine & painting night, but of course -- nothing can get in the way of my Guy Time.

Hot Peter: "I have no fears for marriage… The idea of having multiple marriages scares me. And to me multiple proposals is one and the same." Rachel: "Yeah, you definitely need to figure that out." Peter: "24 hours to do it is a very scary thought."

FUCKING JUST PROPOSE PETER!!! CAN'T YOU TELL I HATE BRYAN?!

Later that Night…
Rachel talks to Peter about the Rose Ceremony. Peter: "I knew you were speaking directly to me. I am in love with you. But these feelings are so recent... I don’t feel that I’m ready to ask you to marry me tomorrow. But I don’t want to stop being with you."

Rachel: "You’re talking to me about vacations and dogs and what sized bed we're gonna have... but you can't take that step."

You can't act like deciding on a California King suddenly means nothing

Peter: "I know that I want to try." Rachel: "I’m not looking for an instant 'I want to marry you'."

I just want you to decide it by tomorrow and actually tell me right now.

Hot Peter asks if she knows he's the one and she can't answer.

You don't know if I'm the one but please at least tell me you DO know Bryan's cheeks are fake though, right?

Peter: "So if I can’t… you walk away?"

They then play out the hypothetical scenario of Peter proposing just to not lose her. Rachel: "I want somebody who knows what they want." Peter lashes out: "Then go find someone you'll have a mediocre life with."

Good luck with your life of mediocrity. No farmers market. No painting paired with wine. Probably just trace-drawings paired with Natty Light...

Peter grasps at straws and says maybe things will change by tomorrow. Rachel: "I can’t do tomorrow if you’re telling me you want to be my boyfriend." Peter: "Then I do nothing but wish you the very best. I think we're both going to regret this decision... I am. If you change your mind, you know where you can find me."

Rachel Picks Bryan-Of-Olga
Bryan-of-Olga is still as boring and confident as usual: "I’m a little nervous but I’m confident once again." I've compared him to Josh Murray before and I do think he is very similar in how rehearsed he sounds but he definitely doesn't have the entertaining psychotic aggression of Josh.

​Bryan speaks in Spanish again... Cool...

Bryan-of-Olga tells Rachel when they met "it was like a chemistry bomb had exploded."

Rachel tells him she's "always been drawn to the excitement of complicated relationships" so she tried "to find cracks in what seemed like the perfect foundation...really had to do some soul-searching." I don’t believe EITHER of them.
Rachel: "This love is so mature."

It's a very mature love. You almost might say, it's settled into itself.

He gets down on one knee. Rachel squeals.

Her family is going to be so upset!! Me, depressed: "If he wins, why didn’t they edit it to make him more likable?" My sage friend: "There was no footage." Bryan cannot stop speaking Spanish. It is all he has. This feels dark and sinister.

She asks if he wants her final rose and he fucking says, "1000%" AGAIN!!!

Bryan-of-Olga: "Show 'em that rock." Disgusting. He says a bunch more Spanish shit and Rachel says, "I heard 'esposa!' I hear the key phrases!" Kind of sums up her relationship with Bryan. She literally just heard all she wanted to hear. RACHEL YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS.

Back to Lord Harrison's viewing party...
Bryan mugs backstage for the camera using some of the gestures he must've learned when he was onthe reality show THE PLAYER.

BRYAN-OF-OLGA COMES OUT AT FINALE...
Bryan gets down on a knee, "Will you re-marry me?" I’m surprised he didn’t bring out her watch and force her to wear it too.

This will last

Our first proposal wasn't fame-whorey enough babe

Another Bryan-of-Olga fucking humble brag: "There was a weather issue. I actually thought Peter was getting eliminated before I was."

You know it's funny you say that Chris, because I actually thought I was just waiting for that fucking loser to clear out of my territory.

The Final Three are in Rachel's hometown of Dallas. She gives a speech about how her sister is super pregnant so the show can't fly out the family somewhere cool. The show can't go on without her pregnant sister's bizarre husband who is super into race so, NEW GROUND. They will meet the parents before Fantasy Suites. I wonder how the white brother-in-law will respond to having seeing Bachelor Nation’s reaction to him. Maybe he’ll have slicked back hair and suddenly be jacked. Maybe he will double-down on his schtick and go, "I see you are a white, I see you are a black, I see you are a Latino, etc." Fingers crossed!!!​Bryan-of-Olga is not prepared for this change in the gameplay. Bryan: "We're gonna meet her family, which is huge. I thought we were all gonna be separated from this point moving forward after Hometowns."

Standard procedure is to separate us after the Hometowns level. But maybe I can use this mid-game bombshell to mess with the other players' minds. I mean, I'm here for love.

Hot Peter Meets the FamilyRachel takes Hot Peter shopping for baby clothes for his future nephew. I'm going to be so annoyed if this doesn't work out.

I dreamz of Zaddy

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel...Eric and Bryan-of-Olga shit-talk Hot Peter. Bryan: "He supposedly told her on their one-on-one in Geneva that he may not even ask for her hand in marriage even if she picks him."

Not only that, but did you hear Peter's Mom doesn't even want to fuck him?

Eric: “He said that?! What is his protocol of being here?”

BUT THE PROTOCOL?! How dare you not want to propose if you’re the anointed chosen one?!

​Back on the Date...Hot Peter tells Rachel that what he said on their last date was "not what I meant to say."Rachel plays dumb, "What do you mean?"Hot Peter: "I am falling in love with you."

Whatever do you mean by undisclosed feelings, Petey?

The change-up the white brother-in-law makes is he now has glasses. He does not even MENTION Peter's race, which is quite disappointing.

Rachel's Dad can't be there because he's a federal judge but she says her Mom will ask the tough questions and she does. Peter tells the family his Dad asked his Mom to get married after a month and that he blacked out when he met Rachel.

Once you black out, you don't back out...

Rachel talks with her pregnant sister Constance who reminds her that she was "excited with Nick last time too."

DID YOU EVEN LOOK AT HIM CONSTANCE?!

White brother-in-law sits down with Hot Peter and asks Peter what Rachel's red flags are??? Bro-in-law: “She's not perfect. What kind of items do you see that are of, not necessarily concern-- but of note?”

Hm, well, right off the top of my head, Note 1 would be her brother-in-law is a condescending creep...

Rachel's Mom also asks her about Peter's red flags. Rachel: "I don’t know if he’s going to want to propose at the end of this."Hot Peter talks with Rachel’s Mom who gets to the red flags immediately: "Why would you want to propose to Rachel? What is it about her that would make you want to propose to her?"

Hot Peter: "I want to pursue a relationship with her... I want to wait until I know for certain that I want to propose to her." Rachel's Mom: "You’re playing with her heart and her feelings."

COPPER’S PLAYING WITH THE KIDS!!! Every cut to Adam Junior this season should have been replaced with a clip of Copper tbh... Also every cut to Adam...

Rachel's cousin tries to get the kid to "say winner".

Rachel says bye to Hot Peter and he poses with his finger on his lips.

Eric Meets the Family​They go to the tall ball/Reunion Tower of Dallas and Rachel points out the Federal building where her Dad works. Rachel: "Are you shaking?" Eric: "I’m not shaking." Rachel: "Are you scared?" Eric: "I’m not scared no more."

But does his dissipated fear of heights refer to a larger conquered EMOTIONAL fear?!

Back at the Hotel...Hot Peter and Bryan chat about Eric. Bryan continues to refer to this as a video game where you need to check off certain levels: “Hopefully he does get the blessing but, you never know, it’s really an unknown. Did you ask that of Rachel’s family?"

Hot Peter: "No. I just wanted the approval. Can I continue to date your daughter?"Bryan-of-Olga: "I’m hoping to show the family how much chemistry we have and get the blessing."

All I want to do is show the family how much we wanna fuck and unlock the next level of the game.

Hot Peter: "What’s awkward is having to sit here with her boyfriend while her other boyfriend is at home meeting her family. I don’t want to be sitting with you right now."

Back on the Date...Rachel's family tell Eric that they liked his first impression dance.

We're just glad you didn't bring home the one who wanted to "go black and never go back."

​Eric tells them he's all about generic life ideas like "family love, family bond" and that he hasn't brought a girl home since Prom.

It's been a minute but I did NOT forget the corsage.

Rachel's sister: "When was your last relationship since you never brought anyone home?Eric: "2015. I dated a girl for 8 months. But she prepared me."

The first 8 months of a relationship are pretty much identical to any subsequent years of it, right?

Rachel's sister: "Were you in love with the girl of 8 months?" Eric: "I wasn’t." Rachel's sister: "So you’ve never been in love?"

Rachel's Cousin: "He’s really sweet and very sincere." Rachel: "That’s the same thing you said about Peter... I think Eric is great. The only reason I feel hesitation/red flags, he’s never been in love..." Cousin: "He’s not a fairytale person. He’s very real."

Yeah, usually the prince in the fairy tale isn't a trainer with emotional problems.

Eric tells Rachel’s Mom, "It’s a privilege to be in your presence."

Eric then asks her permission to propose and Rachel's Mom gives a very lawyerly answer: "At this point, if Rachel decided you two were going to take that journey which could lead to marriage, I feel confident with that. Wherever that leads, I trust her."​

Bryan-of-Olga Meets the FamilyRachel picks up Bryan and they're both wearing their matching watches to shove it in Peter and Eric's faces that they didn't get any free merch yet.

Bryan-of-Olga re: Rachel's family: "I’ll show them who I am and I think they will definitely be impressed."

Bryan meets Rachel’s friends who signed her up for the show. They can see his "confidence" and Rachel tells them she first "thought he was a douchebag."

Bryan-of-Olga: "I think I really won them over and it was a success." Rachel tells him he's going to meet her uncle Jeff who's an anesthesiologist.

It's a type of real doctor, Bryan.

Bryan-of-Olga: "I’m expecting I’ll make a good first impression with them like I did with the friends."

Bryan of Olga meets Rachel's family who she will never be allowed to spend time with if she picks Bryan. He tells them, "I love my Mother dearly. She's the number one woman in my life."

Bryan: "I want to love the same woman over and over again. Start a family. Build a legacy."

Rachel's Mom is not down with this douchebaggery nonsense and starts going in on Bryan: "​When your wife and your mother bump heads, where does the loyalty lie?... Where's the priority?"

I don't know why you're even asking me this. It's not like I dumped my most recent girlfriend for this very reason.

​Rachel's pissed her family hasn't had their pants charmed off yet. Rachel: "He said loyalty's with the wife!!!"

Rachel's Mom is awesome: "Rachel was not happy with the questions... That goes along with her asking us to assess these guys." Bryan-of-Olga: "From Day 1, I thought she’s my girlfriend." Constance: "She was your girlfriend after like, a week?"

There's some sort of feeling that's building up, trapped inside, that I need to release. That's love, right?

Later at Dinner…Rachel grills Eric about his feelings. Eric: "I feel amazing. From Week 1 to now, it’s so surreal. I’ve had so many moments in this journey. The helicopter ride, kissing you. Just being in the moment with you... The hot tub... The eye contact, the chemistry."Rachel: "Physical chemistry or emotional chemistry?"

Finally, Eric tells her, "I’m in love with you. And I tried to run, week 3, week 4... Naw E, that’s not happening no more... Rachel Lindsay, I love you." Rachel gives him the Fantasy Suite Card and he reads it so slowly that I have flashbacks to his painful performance in the spelling bee. They go bang out. We see a tousled bed the next morning.

Sex Level

Hot Peter's Fantasy Suite Date

A wine seller explainsto them: "The vineyard was built on love. " Then the wine seller sings a Spanish song to Rachel's face and tells Peter to "kiss her with embellishments".

They tell each other they’re balances for each other and Rachel tries to ask Peter about him not wanting to get engaged. SUDDENLY, YET ANOTHER CHILD wanders into frame.

The producers told me to come talk to you so that you don't talk about engagement until the evening portion of the date.

The child drags them to a bucket of grapes and they start stepping on it with the kid’s dad? They make out. Peter’s hand on dat ass.

Later at Drinks...Peter: "To many firsts. Rachel brings up Peter’s stance on proposals: "If we really want this then somebody’s gotta bend." Peter: "My belief in engagement is that engagement is marriage... I don’t know where to go from here to be honest."

Rachel starts crying. Rachel: "For the first time, I'm thinking Peter and I may not work out.

AND WE'RE ENDING MID-HOT-PETER'S-FANTASY-SUITE-DATE?!?! What kind of blue balls bullshit is this??? Not ending on a Rose Ceremony?! Do they think we're some sort of all-over-the-place plebs?! There's going to be three guys left in the Finale?? I'm fine, guys... Everything is fine...