PARENT & CHILD

By Lawrence Kutner

Published: January 9, 1992

SHE had never felt that close to her father, had never really felt accepted by him. The last time she visited him in the hospital where he lay dying, he asked her for a drink of water. When she brought it, he whispered his thanks.

"She feels that the 'thank you' wasn't just for that cup of water," said Dr. Andrew E. Scharlach, a professor of aging at the University of California at Berkeley who has been studying several hundred middle-aged people, including this woman, who have experienced the death of one or both parents.

"That was a 'thank you' for all that she had done that had never been recognized," he said. "It was an affirmation of her as a person. It allowed her to let go of all the anger she'd stored up over the years."

The impending death of a parent can lead family members to reassess their relationships with one another, especially with the dying parent. It is a chance to resolve loose ends before it is too late. Knowing that they will soon die often makes parents more willing to discuss topics that had previously been avoided and to reconnect with estranged children.

"When you're dying, you give yourself permission to do things that you wouldn't do before," said Dr. Herman Feifel, chief psychologist at the Veterans Administration Outpatient Clinic in Los Angeles and an emeritus clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Southern California School of Medicine. "There won't be any more chances to straighten things out, so you can afford a new level of candor."

The children of a dying parent also can take a new look at their relationships. When viewed in retrospect, those last times spent together are endowed with a symbolic value that is often far greater than whatever topics were discussed or not discussed.

"People constantly talk about those last meetings as if they were larger than life," Dr. Scharlach said. "It takes on a more profound meaning than if the same exchange had taken place earlier."

While deathbed reconciliations of emotionally distant parents and children have become a cliche in books and movies, studies show that such dramas rarely occur in life because they are seldom needed. Dr. Vern L. Bengtson, a professor of sociology and the director of research at the Andrus Gerontology Center at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, has been studying 300 families for 20 years. He has found that only 10 to 15 percent of those families had long-term, serious problems with their relationships.

"Seven of 10 adults in our study who had elderly parents feel very good about the relationship," Dr. Bengtson said.

Yet having a longstanding, loving relationship doesn't mean that those final conversations are any less important or less needed. Both researchers and psychotherapists find that closely knit families have at least as many things they wish to settle as those who haven't been close.

Dr. Robert Veninga, a professor of public health at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, interviewed 125 people who had suffered a serious loss, including the loss of a parent. Many said they wished they had been able to thank their parents before they died.

"We imagine that others don't have these regrets," said Dr. Veninga, the author of "A Gift of Hope: How We Survive Our Tragedies" (Ballantine Books, 1986). "We idealize other people's relationships, when in reality most people have unfinished business with the loss of a loved one." PERILS OF WAITING TOO LONG TO FACE THE ISSUES

WHILE there are clear advantages to trying to resolve longstanding differences with a dying parent, families who wait that long may run into unexpected problems.

"Those children who expected the parent's impending death to bring about feelings of forgiveness and acceptance -- that they suddenly would turn into the Waltons -- were sorely disappointed," said Dr. Andrew E. Scharlach, a professor of aging at the University of California at Berkeley. "In fact, the added stress of the parents' illness often tended to exacerbate the problems between them."

Here are some other things families should keep in mind, both before and after a parent's death:

Don't wait for your parent to initiate any reconciliation.

"Take the initiative yourself," said Dr. Herman Feifel, a clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Southern California School of Medicine in Los Angeles.

"It's often easier for the child to do this than the parent," he continued. "It will be met with more acceptance than it would if the parent were not dying."

Talk to our parents about what they want to happen when they die.

What family traditions do they want to have maintained? What aspirations do they have for family members?

"Those families who made preparations for a parent's death, such as discussing burial plans or where heirlooms go, had a significantly easier time psychologically coping with the death when it occurred," Dr. Scharlach said.

Don't be surprised if old family issues resurface.

Many adults whose parents die are upset by the rush of emotions they thought they had left behind during childhood. They become angry at the parent's abandoning them, or jealous of a sibling they feel was favored.

"Adults whose parents have been divorced will often have difficulty handling the death of the parent they're less emotionally close to, unless the other parent gives them permission to grieve," said Dr. M. Duncan Stanton, a family psychologist and a professor of psychiatry at the University of Rochester.

If there are still unresolved issues after the parent's death, try not to dwell on them.

This isn't to say you shouldn't accept them as part of your grief. But it's often very useful to focus some of your energy on other problems.

"Take care of your unfinished business with another living family member," said Dr. Robert Veninga, a professor of public health at the University of Minnesota. "By taking some action with someone else, you're helping resolve the issues with your parent."