Tampon? More Like Tamp-Off! 6 Tampon-Free Alternatives For The Modern Woman

Like millions of women, you may feel that inserting a man-made bio-product created from a slave crop into your blessed holy vessel is a legitimate form of sexual assault–But what are the alternatives?

Well look no further, as we have not only compiled the most popular tampon alternatives currently on the market, but your friends here at Weekly Wasteland have tried each one in order to provide you, dear bleeding reader, all the tools necessary to perfectly worship your sacred flower without demeaning yourself in the name of capitalist patriarchy!

Diva Cup

The Diva Cup is a small, flexible cup that is inserted in the vagina to secure menstrual blood, then emptied, cleaned, and re-used. Collected blood may be saved as menses has a variety of uses. It can be burned as incense, or used as an olfactory aphrodisiac perfume during your the most primal of sensual moments. Nutrient rich menstrual blood is also the most important ingredient in the “Bio-Shake” diet fad Hollywood celebrities swear by. The Diva Cup company is woman-owned and operated, so you’ll be sure to keep the rich old white men out of your sparkling chasm whenever Aunt Flo comes to visit!

Thinx

These are basically just underwear, but they also absorb 2, yes 2 tampons worth of blood! Staff writer Alyssa Lamb and I tried these out during our synced moon cycles and they worked perfectly. You don’t even have to invade or penetrate your Goddess hole to use them. If only it were that simple we could have stopped this whole experiment right here. As it turns out the THINX company is INFESTED with misogyny, harassment, exploitation and callousness to human life. We went in search of a similar, woman created product and we found THANX. The product looked almost identical. Alyssa and I were both relieved to be able to both patronize a woman-owned business and to bring this liberating rag-time innovation into our lives.

Free Bleed

The only way to keep your luscious garden 100% uncolonized is the old fashioned free bleed. This has been gaining momentum lately as increasing numbers of women are saying NO to the spiritual and financial slavery of the feminine hygiene product market. When Kiran Gandi free bled while running the London Marathon sexists incels everywhere were outraged, but women cheered. This is THE BEST period option for a bold modern woman. When the blood soaks through clothing or runs down bare legs it becomes visible to others, and can become a great conversation starter. Women work too hard to keep their periods invisible to men, and it is just one more way we are expected to limit our own enjoyment in life and pander to the patriarchy. I was able to really change some hearts and minds on the local 4 bus when my red stained thighs immediately attracted attention.

Nothing absorbs liquid like good old fashioned soil! This technique is a cult-favorite amongst the progressive gardening community as it produces rich, fertile soil. You simply wrap a handful of potting soil into a piece of cheesecloth, tie it off with twine and place it into your panties like you would a pad. It is important that the panties give full coverage, are well fitting and with their elasticity intact. Change this every 4-6 hours and use the remaining soil in your garden for the most healthy and bountiful plants you’ve had.

Weekly Wasteland’s own weathergirl, Trixie Brockney, SWEARS by this method: “I’m growing these veggies for my canning cellar so when the freeze comes and all you SICK FUCKS are dying I’ll be eating pickles because my blood is FUCKING PRICELESS GOLD.”

Ride a Sheep

I know, it sounds weird to ride a sheep everywhere you go for 3-7 days, but think about it: People get used to riding wheelchairs THE REST OF THEIR LIVES! When you put it in that perspective, it doesn’t sound so crazy, now does it? Give your legs a rest, straddle a sheep and let it’s thick fur soak up all the blood. After several cycles you may want to shear the sheep and create a fashionable wool sweater. This will honor the spirit of the sheep and your own mystical riverbed, bringing you into harmony with your true Goddess nature.

Veganism

Veganism is a diet which intentionally omits all complete protein sources from a person’s diet. Many cite ethical reasons for their choice, but in reality veganism is most commonly used in conjunction with cocaine by models and sex workers to prevent weight gain and menstruation. You may have thought you’d need to use pharmaceuticals produced by the male dominated medical industry if you wanted to stem the tide of your menstrual flow, but mother nature has provided a method for you to take control of your body! If you know you’re not ready for children veganism can be a great solution for turning your fertile crescent into a beautiful barren Sahara!

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