Saturday, May 30, 2009

A farmer, a minister, and a biker are killed in a tragic accident on Christmas Eve, and our trio finds itself before the Pearly Gates, awaiting entry. St. Peter approaches them, and explains that since it is Christmas Eve, each of them must present something Christmasy in order to enter.The farmer reaches into his overalls and pulls out a handful of manger hay, St. Peter allows him in.The minister searches his pockets, and retreives a Communion wafer, and St. Peter allows him in. The biker bro has been scratching his head the whole time, thinking of something he could present. Suddenly, breaking into a broad grin, he yanks out a pair of panties from his leather jacket. St. Peter stares blankly at the biker and the panties, and asks, "How do these represent Christmas in any way?" The bro replied, "They're Carol's!"

Friday, May 29, 2009

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Thursday, May 28, 2009

3 men, a Torontonian, an Albertan and a Newfie, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his fingers, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Torontonian read it and concluded it was correct."Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Torontonian disappeared.The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his fingers, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct."Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Albertan disappeared, too.The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. The Newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right.""Wrong," said the Newfie, It was from me arshole!" And the Newfie went to Heaven !!!

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter..

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever…At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'he proctologist fainted.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?' 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'. Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for'.

I was confused when I heard the word service used in these expressions. Internal Revenue 'Service' Canada Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' City, County, Provincial & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithfuland loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the BacardiBreezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in thecemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off herpanties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did notwant to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with aribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned That his normallysweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the otherhusband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting tosuspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back witha card stuck to her ass that Said.....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with only one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's all sweaty and knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this hole......."

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like newfies.

The game warden ordered the newfie to show his hunting license, and the newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?' The newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said 'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?' The newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?' Again the newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the newfie 'Just where the hell are you from???!!!'

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?' Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, I did it for four reasons. One, I like to watch my money grow Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?""I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whiskey, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?""Who said my Da's deid?"The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.""Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandad's died?"Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?""He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer.The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No.. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today."At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throwsopen her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he sawthe flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, heaccelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense andpulled over to the side.

The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without aword. He looked at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shiftand this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymorepaperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving thatI haven't heard before, you can go!"

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for areply. "Last week I found my wife fucking a cop" he said, "andI was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son... He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "No," the woman replied. "I'm with Revenue Canada."

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye."What happened to you?" asked his wife."I had a terrible day," replies Roy."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half.""I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over himand his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhoodfor the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelmingand he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing thatever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, hefelt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wifeshouting...

An Alberta lawyer and a Newfoundlander are sitting next to each other on the long flight to Halifax .The lawyer is thinking that Newfoundlanders are so dumb that he can fool them easy... So the lawyer asks if the Newfoundlander would like to play a fun game. The Newfoundlander is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the Newfoundlanders attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question.'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'The Newfoundlander doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the Newfoundlanders turn.He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Newfoundlander and hands him $500. The Newfoundlander pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Newfoundlander up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'The Newfoundlander reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.. . . Don't mess with Newfoundlanders. They only talk different...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them."Yes?", asks St. Peter."I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Friday, May 08, 2009

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typicalanswers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothesin front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll goout to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little DavidAside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)A little concerned about that comment,I couldn't resist asking him,'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked,'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said, 'Not much...my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,like playing golf,sailing,hiking,orbicycling?''No, I don't,' I said.He asked,'Do you gamble,drive fast cars,orhave a lot of sex?''No,' I said.

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently ...

An Alberta rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' ' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog ... but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men.....are men

Monday, May 04, 2009

A guy sits down in a seat on an airplane and notices the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, "hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if ask how you got yours?"

"Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest set of cans was behind the counter. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", I said, 'I d like a picket to Tittsburgh.'" So, she socked me.

Mine was a tongue twister too! I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties," but I accidentally said, "you ruined my life, you fucking bitch!"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pintsof Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'