In the future all women will look like Janeane Garafalo

November 3, 2009

I was rocking out to some bootleg Feather Healer concert tracks the other day when I came across some sciencey story about the future evolution of women. Much to my disappointment, there was no mention about a third breast or tongue clitori.

Apparently according to the article the evolved woman of the future will be “slightly shorter and chubbier, have lower blood pressure and cholesterol and will have their first children earlier in life.” I find this disappointing as well because I thought the future would be dominated by 6-foot tall amazon women in shape-hugging jumpsuits wielding laser rifles. So I decide to share this news with someone who has already reached the form of what these scientists suggest is the evolved woman of the future.

“I said I will go to the gym once this cold clears up,” says Tina the Lesbian, who I estimate to be around 5′ 5″/ 5′ 6″.

“But aren’t you glad you’re the model of the future woman?” I say.

“Well, I’m glad women won’t have as many problems with heart disease in the future,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But the increased time it takes to reach menopause is sort of weird. Why would we evolve to be fertile for longer?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t make sense if evolution will have you having your first child sooner than you already do,” I say. “American women have their first child at 24.9 years old. What does nature know that they’d push that up to 23 or 22 or even 19?”

“Maybe this part of woman evolution is geared toward other countries where they have babies later in life,” says Tina the Lesbian. “New Zealand woman have their first child at 29.9 years old. The UK is 29.1. Maybe America stays the same and they slide down to like 27 or 26 years old.”

“Or there’s some sort of cataclysmic event that requires a steady sustained effort to repopulate the Earth,” I say. “Like 300 or 400 years from now, because Mother Nature always plans long-term.”

“Actually that’s a bit comforting,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Knowing that the largest test for the survival of the human race won’t be for another few centuries.”

“And it might be something really cool too,” I say. “Like an alien invasion, or a civil war between Earth and our colonies on Mars that leaves the Earth a smoldering chunk of rock and so we have to get on rocket ships to Venus because those genocidal pricks Mars won’t have us.”

“You just want your future to be like the song The Final Countdown,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“It’s not just the greatest song of all time but it is also a prophetic look into the future of humanity,” I say. “Did you know the keyboardist for Feather Healer almost was in the band Europe? But he misread the audition sheet and ended up trying out for the band Asia instead? He didn’t get in that band either.”

“Who the hell is Feather Healer?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Never mind that,” I say. “The important thing is that we start stockpiling these shorter, chubbier, more fertile women of the future on Venus before those Martian bastards bomb the shit out of us.”