So a female co-worker that was not driving was inclined to mention to the inebriated as well driver that it was necessary pull over for a stomach evacuation. Well the police showed up and saw her puking in the woods and asked what the problem was, without missing a beat she said she just found out she was pregnant! At this news the officer said that the next time she felt the need to throw-up she really should find a parking lot and left them both to the remainder of their evening.

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I
wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've
just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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A blond man sees a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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(This one actually makes sense...sort of...lol) An Italian tourist asks a
blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in
the boat."

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub,the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery...

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror.

If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted.
However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says,, "I think. . . ."
“POOF”

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.