Category: Depression

There is a hole in my heart. I did something I never thought I would. I blocked someone really close on Google Hangout. It seems such an extreme reaction by my own standards and frankly is difficult for me to comprehend, let alone explain. It breaks my heart more than I would like to acknowledge. However, I am mostly convinced that it had to be done.

Let me explain. Have you ever heard of friendship in which the other person doesn’t share any details of his/her life? Most likely the answer is no. In spite of odds supposing you do form some kind of relationship mainly because the other person is dishing out lies about his life. Can this friendship survive once you realise that the other person was lying all the time?

Something like this happened with me. I formed a close relationship with a person in a different city. We spent countless hours talking and chatting on phone. The conversations ranged from likes, dislikes, habits…but yes, I was obviously sharing much more than he was. Normal way relationships are formed on mobile…connected all the time. I had some basic details like location, ethnicity etc but frankly nothing more. I was, and I guess I still am to an extent, extremely attached with him.

But then I inadvertently discovered something which shocked me but frankly it didn’t bother me much because it didn’t seem like a breach of trust or anything even close. It was just something that the person had decided not to reveal. But here comes the twist, he discovers that I know and just is unable to talk properly to me. I feel insulted but even so try to save the friendship from total breakdown. I have to say that this person also tries but without accepting that it is impossible to save without sharing at least something…it just cannot be one way road in any friendship. Here I would be lying if I didn’t say that increasingly I found it tough to share about my life when there is total blockage from the other side.

Here goes a snapshot of conversation in the fag end of the “friendship”:

“Hey, how’s you?”

“Awesome blossom..”

“Whats up?”

“Usual…everything is awesome blossom.

“I will be traveling this weekend.”

“Okay…where?”

“Hmmm…somewhere.”

“Okay…for business or personal?”

“It is something. But you tell me did you finish that big assignment which you had got some time back?”

“Hmmm….”

This was the usual communication and it was just becoming more and more painful to continue like this. At a very basic level, I felt insulted. I don’t know whether what I did was right or wrong but I genuinely feel I tried my best and didn’t see any other option but to walk out.

I miss the never-ending and stimulating conversations, the time when I could talk without thinking, when my eyes broke into a smile at your very mention, when I looked forward to the phone calls, when I ended up working late at night because of two-hour long conversations during the talk…I miss you!!

I miss my old self, when my eyes didn’t need a reason to smile. I was happy to be alive and it showed in everything I did.

My entire existence, I have been known for my enthusiasm for life in general. My first boss was the first to notice it. He mentioned it many a times that he couldn’t believe that I would be so happy just to come to work everyday. This enthusiasm helped me tide over rough period as well. All I had to do was just be myself and good things would eventually happen.

I don’t think I was ever doing exceedingly well (I mean I was never earning in millions) in my career or even in life but I was happy with my mediocracy. Unlike my peers I was not particularly anxious about future but just lived without any plan whatsoever. I desperately miss this side of me. I want to laugh silly till my stomach aches. I want to think of old incidents and smile for no rhyme or reason. I desire to look at future with joy, hope and positive anticipation.

I hate my current wallowing in self-pity self…Right now I am unable to feel any zest towards life on a day-to-day basis. I somehow move from task to task without any energy or zing. I wish somebody else would live my life for me…I know it is ridiculous to even think like that but I really can’t help voicing it here. I fail to find anything exciting about life right now. All I see is problems waiting to be solved.

Is it mid-life crisis? Possibly yes. In fact, most likely it is mid-life crisis. Isn’t it weird how life changes so dramatically. I really wish I can turn back the clock, not because I want to be younger but because I want to be happier.

Just an update to a few people who visit this blog regularly, I have finally decided to visit a counsellor/therapist to deal with mental health issue. The decision was tough because I have never done it, also because I am from India where these things are generally pushed under the carpet. Frankly, I don’t know anyone who has availed services of a therapist but I really don’t see any other option.I don’t like my present self and I now refuse to live like this. I want a better existence and I shall have it…

As is obvious from the last few blog posts I am on a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride in the last few months. I have been trying to save my friendship with a person for whom I developed feelings. I suspect even he is trying to do the same because he is well aware of the fact that I got emotionally involved. But I find myself asking if it is even worth it?

Whenever in the past I have wanted to break a relationship I have just walked out without ever turning back. Clean break is what has worked for me. Always. I just never believed in slowly cutting off a relationship. I reckon it is more painful if you just postpone what is inevitable. More often than not we do realise that it is over but we are scared to walk away. I generally have not had this issue. Once I realise that I would just be aggravating my agony by staying in a dead relationship, I break all contact and simply just vanish from the person’s life.

This time it is different. For one the relationship is very intense. It started as a friendship led to hookup and then emotional involvement from my side. Any intense relationship is difficult to break off as I am slowly realising. It was easier to walk away from the previous relationships because my involvement was not so intense…

The second problem this time around is that I do have some professional dealings with this friend. Without going in the details I can say that I can easily walk away from this professional arrangement. In fact, even he can walk away from the professional or business dealing without any problem. Am I then just trying to save the friendship under the guise of the professional dealing? Do I then harbour a hope that the relationship can again be what it was? Should I not walk away just for my own sanity if nothing else?

When I think logically I feel it is possible to carry on with the business or professional dealings and totally ignore the emotional aspect. But when it comes to practice it is easier said than done. Talking to this friend is like walking in a minefield.

Many a times I don’t fuck have a clue as to what is going to elicit a strong reaction and why? Also, I feel deeply jealous if he mentions other women he might be having conversations with. I am in fact surprised by the ferocity and intensity of my reactions. Yesterday I was crying for a very long time after he just mentioned some inane conversation with another female friend. And any random mention of our own past association is enough to push me into an abyss of self pity. So how do I go along with professional arrangement in the circumstances?

It is pits…I want the past, which I don’t think is ever coming back again. But the hope that it might keeps me in this weird situation where I am unable to walk out and unable to accept the changed relationship. There is a song in hindi, which pretty much sums it, `Layi vi na gayee tah nibhayee vi na gayee‘, which basically means that neither was I able to love properly nor was I able to walk away.

Even in this state of self wallowing and self pity, I do realise that I have to ultimately walk away. It is going to be extremely painful…to not be able to ever talk to a friend who has been an important and a crucial part of your journey (both on professional and personal front) is unfathomable. And why? Because I am unable to handle my emotions? It sounds lame to me…

It is this back and forth between my mind and heart which has made my life somewhat troublesome and unliveable…

Was it even possible to feel the way I have been for the last two days? Like I am in the pit of the earth and am trying to find my way out of pitch darkness with no direction and end in sight.

I have no idea what is happening to me but I cry at a drop of a hat and without any obvious provocation. I force myself to meet the deadline with tears pouring unabated…it seems to be a constant struggle to maintain calm and composed exterior even as I am collapsing inside. Sometimes I cry in washroom; sometimes I don’t try to even pretend that I am fine and there have been times when I have cried in coffee shop. I seem to have lost total enthusiasm, for everything in life and nothing, practically nothing, excites me. I can say without exaggeration that I am suffering from depression. I have tried not to accept the fact even as it stares directly at me.

What bugs me is that I never thought I’d suffer from depression. I always thoughts it was for weirdos, for people who were not able to take control of their lives. I had no such issue and had always tried to make lemonade from the lemons which life served me with amazing regularity. Even now I can’t see what exactly is the issue but everyday seems like a mountain, which needs to be climbed. And I drag myself one step after another…

Possibly the worst part is that if someone asks me a reason for this I will not be able to provide a single reason for my state of mind. Yes of course I am facing some emotional/relationship problems but is it a reason enough to feel this surge of self pity that I do…I don’t think so. Everybody has emotional issues but of late I have started feeling that nobody wants me, nobody cares for me and it is enough to make me feel like the biggest shit hole in the entire world.

Maybe there is no reason why I feel the way I do but I still can’t help but feel the way I do.