Album Reviews : Love Cream – First Taste

I’m not usually one to shit on the dreams and art of others (publicly). But the fine lads at Metal Obsession gave me an offer to scribble uninformed shit, and so here I am, letting the boring songs and embarrassing lyrics of Love Cream (get it?) seep into my ears the way a silent fart seeps into your nostrils.

I blame Steel Panther. Their success has prompted an unhealthy interest in a genre that died for a fucking reason, and now it seems people that don’t understand the concept of irony have started a band emulating the most ironic and self-aware group this side of Deez Nuts.

Each song slips into that uncomfortable mid-range tempo that’s not fast enough to let people have fun, but not slow enough to trick us into thinking the band is deep and introspective. The guitars stay consistently listenable throughout, but though they do get better, the vocals start out atrociously. I have no idea if Love Cream (get it?) have different vocalists for different songs, but the opening track is sung by a cat with a blocked nose and a meth addiction. Open For Business (get it?) and Woman (I’m Gay For Your Lovin’) (“but I mean it in the most heterosexual way” HA HA HA) constantly tease that they’ll take off galloping without ever doing so, and the Love Ballad-lite songs like Hot In The Dark and Sweet May seem to be there because they have to be (though they are, admittedly, sung really well). The whole album just sounds like the music your dad put on when he was out in the back shed ignoring you.

The other grating aspect of this album, and this genre, are the lyrics. They need to fucking stop. We all had a good laugh when Steel Panther sung about STIs and South East Asian sex workers, but like everything on this fucking album, Love Cream (do you get it?) don’t know whether they want to be subtle or crass. Saying a woman is “only hot in the dark” is hardly a gold mine for comedy, but when the preceding line is a nothing bullshit lyric simply there for the rhyme (“they say your bite is worse than your bark”) you should reassess what you’re trying to do, and why. There’s a song called Back Door Lover. That’s about sodomy. It’s not funny. They’re not even trying. Sleaze and misogyny don’t work on their own anymore; either be clever or over the top. Otherwise you’ll sound like an arsehole.

Full disclosure; I was trying to accept a cunting offer for uni while I listened to the album, which may have contributed to my dismal feelings towards it. Overall I didn’t find Love Cream (do you get it? It’s ejaculate) nearly fun enough, nostalgic enough, or rocking enough to enjoy. You might though, who the fuck am I?

Mitch is a 26 year old vegan, socialist, atheist, utilitarian, reductionist metalhead, stand up comedian and philosophy major that hates labels. When he isn't being politely ignored at dinner parties he's being politely ignored on comedy nights around the country.