Donald Trump Just Grabbed America By the Pussy!

GOOD MORNING AMERICA!!! Oh, sorry. Was that too loud? Do you have a splitting headache? Because you were drunk last night, and you’re not going to believe what happened. Don’t worry, you’re not pregnant. But you do need to say hello to your new President – Donald J. Trump. And the J. doesn’t stand for “just kidding”.

The global financial markets are seeing unprecedented drops – Mexico’s peso just hit an all time low, Japan’s market tanked by over 5%, the Dow Jones Futures trading is down by 700 (biggest since 9/11) and the S&P was STOPPED after dropping 5%+, and gold jumped by over 4% in one day! God only know’s what’s going to happen to European markets over night…

Republicans now control the Presidency, the House and the Senate. Which also means they’ll appoint Supreme Court Justices… so there will be absolutely no checks and balances. If you do not subscribe to ALL Republican ideals, well… too bad.

The good news is that nobody is coming for your guns! So feel free to load up on AR-15’s and stuff. Also, since Trump will probably start WWIII, you might want to stock up on ammo, build some kind of fallout bunker, and also get just a shitload of these MREs.

And to sum it all up:

"Grab'em by the pussy" is officially going to be in future history books. Way to go America.

About John P.

John P. is a former CEO, former TV Show Host, and currently an unemployed bum. You can find him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Feel free to send shoutouts, insults, and praise. Or Money. Money is good.