I have a very active and full life plus a full time career. Yet I still like to make room to maintain and share my other interests and skills that I am equally passionate about. So awarebeing.com is not a business at this time; but, rather, a springboard for mutual exploration. Thank you!

Jan 1 Saying Buh Bye to Living Like a Victim

Happy New Year! Since it’s the start of a new year, and the revival of my Awarebeing.com site, I feel compelled to begin my blogging with a confession. Well, a story. Okay, a story and confession. The thing is, I’m not used to sharing all my dirt with just anyone. But I think it’s time that changed. I don’t want to hide my ego’s crazy demons. I want to liberate them. Shine light on darkness. Besides, I’m pretty sure others see right through me anyway and that I’m really only hiding the truth from myself.

So here’s my story of 2018, or the relevant part. I spent the year being crazy about a boy. And boy was crazy about me, too. Seems like a good start to a story, right? Perhaps. Yet, there were a lot of early complications about this particular and unconventional relationship. It was almost like some force was trying to keep us apart. {Divine hint #1, perhaps?] We persisted until we were finally able to start seeing each other regardless of the initial hurdles the year before. Yet I soon found I had been emotionally unprepared for what lay ahead.

At some point in the story to follow you might start wondering about all the sordid details. What exactly did this guy do that could lead Vicki to be such a train wreck (more on the train wreck part to follow)!? Well, this post isn’t about those details because they aren’t important. What triggers me to suffer may not be what triggers you to suffer. But suffering is what ensued, regardless of whether anyone else would commiserate with me and feel the suffering was justified. The fact is, the mind will always find a way to justify its own suffering. Until it doesn’t. And that’s what this post is really about.

For me and this particular love interest, there would be no typical dating period to get to know each other better. In fact, there would be no dates at all. Yes, he was crazy about me, but also completely okay with treating me like a hookup that he’d only be able to give a few hours to every 4-8 weeks. Yeah, now you’re thinking I was just a sucker. Maybe so. But there was an incredibly strong connection between my lover and I that I kept trying to convince myself that the form our relationship had taken was fine. My heart knew better.

I had several dreams where I recognized how toxic the relationship was and I left him upon that realization, without apology. Upon waking from the dreams, I always convinced myself that they were just my stress talking. I had a dream in which I was at a party where he was with other lovers and meanwhile I realized the massive wooden Buddha statue in the main room was crumbling, so I was desperately trying to hire someone to save it. An omen that my spiritual life was at risk, I wondered. Nah, I shook it off. Once while I was driving, I asked Divine Source to give me a sign if I was meant to continue any form of relationship with this man. I then poked a button for a different radio station and the lyrics “run, run, run…” came blaring out at me. HUGE ASS SIGN from Spirit to get the hell out! I didn’t. I came up with more lame reasons to stay in the relationship.

Meanwhile my self-esteem was sinking to a disastrously low level. I’d never felt as worthless or irrelevant in any relationship or situation like I felt in this one. In stark contrast, though, I also had moments of deep meditation in which all desire and expectations were transcended leaving only my experience of pure love for this man. The hurts would be forgotten… for a while. Eventually, the hurts and humiliation I was feeling were piled too high and I started to break. Resentment and anger seeped in. Even while on a spiritual level I knew he was innocent and had done nothing to me, my mind was lamenting what a sorry ass victim I’d been.

I suffered tremendously during the year. I had countless nights of not being able to sleep. I drank too much more often than I care to admit in attempts to bury feelings of sadness and shame. I obsessed over my “problem” (even though my Divine Beloved had been trying to show me the best path to take to avoid that plight). Finally I got up the courage to leave despite my continued strong feelings for him. The funny thing was that even after calling it off, I was still suffering. I was having victim-retaliation fantasies of him realizing he’d fucked up and asking me to come back at which point I would gleefully besiege him with a laundry list of things he did that made him unworthy of my love. Hah!

Wait, what the hell? This wasn’t what I wanted - I wanted peace. That wasn’t me - I wanted to see my brother as the unique spark of Divine Oneness I knew him to be.

I knew in my heart all this suffering wasn’t me. None of it felt right. I had no desire to attack my brother or blame him for anything I was choosing to feel. In moments of clarity, I did not view the relationship or its form as either wrong or right. It just wasn’t what I wanted. But I wasn’t always clear about what I wanted and got involved before realizing just how big of a disconnect there would be between us. Even when I knew what I wanted, I chose not to be true to that. Despite this self-awareness, I could not seem to shake feeling sorry for myself. Until recently.

One morning, I had an insight that changed everything. I suddenly saw that I am only ever angry or resentful because my ego didn’t get what it wanted (and simultaneously my ego self was not owning its own part in that outcome, of course). This struck me like a lightening bolt. I wasn’t mad at my ex-lover because he treated me a certain way. I (ego) was just angry because I didn’t get my way and then ego proceeded to create all my suffering by throwing a world class temper tantrum!

In that moment of clarity, I could only laugh. All the stress and resentment and hidden thoughts that I’d been wronged simply vanished. This insight was different than those other meditative moments. Now, I feel completely free to love him (and others) AND I feel more self-loving. I know without doubt that going forward I will honor myself, my core values and needs no less than I honor another. Suffering is optional and completely needless.

A Course in Miracles reminds us that everything is in our best interest. That means even all my suffering, my “wrong” steps, my unwillingness to heed the Divine warnings, were all in my best interest (even if they meant traveling along the somewhat bumpier road). That means I, thankfully, don’t need to spend time lamenting time poorly spent. In fact, I am grateful for absolutely everything and everyone that has crossed my path. I can actually sense the perfect path is right in front of me. And this time, I’ll be listening to that guidance I receive!

Perhaps you have some similar story. Some inner demons you carry with you. Secrets that torment you needlessly. Various persistent gripes and dissatisfaction that prevent your peace of mind? Why not create a really powerful prayer for your year ahead. Here is the prayer I am offering to our Divine Beloved (God, Source, Universe…):

Dear Beloved, only you truly know my own best interests, what will give my heart the deepest joy, and what will bring me into perfect peace and harmony with life. Any hurts, anger, problems or suffering I experience I lay at your feet with gratitude. In my heart I accept your forgiveness for me and my brothers and sisters. I accept my perfect abundance. I accept that I am wholly loving and wholly lovable. And I accept that when I get out of the way, you will always conspire wonderfully on my behalf to set me upon the best path possible because your love for me is total and without limits. Thank You, thank You, thank You!