For Americans, Adultery Is A Love-hate Relationship

September 9, 1995|By Wichita (Kan.) Eagle

Infidelity. It's evil. It's scandalous. It's exciting. It's fun. In American society, it is seen as all those things.

We call people scum if they cheat on their spouses. And yet we've kept The Bridges of Madison County - a novel that romanticizes a four-day affair - on the New York Times best-seller list for more than two years. The movie version has been denounced by some people as an example of Hollywood's depravity. And yet Bridges is a box office hit.

The consensus of most people is that extramarital affairs are bad, says University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, who directed last year's National Health and Social Life Survey.

But Wichita State University sociology professor Ron Matson says that based on studies he has seen over the years, he would estimate that somewhere between 30 percent and 50 percent of adults are unfaithful in their lifetimes.

Whatever the statistics, there's no doubt that infidelity happens more frequently than many people would like to admit.

For many, wedding vows are more than promises, they are sacred oaths; breaking them is inconceivable. But therapist Tom Ruby says reactions can be more complex than that.

''You have people who are threatened because their very belief system is being challenged,'' said Ruby.

But if adultery is taboo - and it is, almost universally - then why does it happen? Matson says that whenever a society makes rules, there will be people who break them.

For most people, ''if an affair is taking place, there is something lacking in the marriage - or perceived to be lacking in it - that something or someone else is going to satisfy,'' says Ruby.

Matson says it's part of the human condition: We're all trying to make meaningful connections in our lives.

But given the progression of romantic relationships - attraction and passion give way to routine and predictability - the satisfaction of an affair may prove to be short-term.

In counseling, ''we begin to wonder whether that (affair), in turn, will become very routine itself, and then there is the need to venture from that too,'' Ruby said.

But this searching outside a marriage is not inevitable.

''I try to teach my classes: There's always something between feeling and behavior, and that is decision.'' says Matson. In other words: Affairs don't ''just happen.''

False expectations can play a role in marital dissatisfaction. ''Those who say, 'I have expectations, you're not fulfilling them, I'm entitled to them, you're not doing that, so I'm going to go out elsewhere,' is to me an immature, uncommitted attitude,'' Ruby says.

Many people expect their love lives to be like what they read in novels, see at the movies or on television, says therapist Gloria Jones.

''Some people run away from the calmness of a relationship,'' Jones says, ''and that's not good, because when things settle down we have room to grow emotionally.''

Having said that, men and women do seem - in general - to act differently. Married men who are having affairs rarely leave their wives, Matson says. ''It's too hard to change your self image.'' If you define yourself as a good husband, a good father, then what are you if you leave?

''Social obligation is a powerful force,'' Matson says.

Women, on the other hand, may stay married because they are economically dependent on their husbands, Jones says.

Jones, who works with a lot of people who get involved in affairs, says one of the challenges is getting them to see that if they leave their marriage for someone else, they may end up in exactly the same position in three or four years, and then do the same thing again.

But won't an affair destroy a marriage, anyway? That depends.

''One of the most important factors would be the strength of the marriage before the affair is exposed. If there is plenty of trouble in the marriage, and it's being held together for the wrong reasons or very fragile reasons, I think an affair would just blow it apart,'' Ruby says. ''If the marriage relationship is strong, it can be repaired.''