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Taint Talkin’ ’Bout Love

Funniest editorial headline ever: “The Nasty Taint of Porn” (Deseret Morning News, July 10, 2007). Sure, the D-News editorial board meant “taint” in the traditional dictionary sense of “bad and offensive” bringing “dishonor and discredit,” but those of us who’ve left the house in the last 30 years saw something else entirely: “Taint,” the fun and useful slang term that describes that oh-so-personal area between the genitals and anus—it ain’t (or taint) either, it’s just there. Now, modify that with “nasty” and apply it to “porn” and you have one hysterical headline—or maybe the next Nautica Thorn DVD series (Adult Video Awards, here we come!). As for the actual editorial, it just rambled on about Mitt Romney and the Marriott hotel chain’s “hardcore” video offerings (which are technically cable soft-core and require effort and payment to watch—Marriott rooms don’t just run them 24/7 on TVs without “off” buttons). I hereby relinquish my Society of Professional Journalists headline-writing award.

· In other Utah hell-in-a-handbasket news, the Orem City Council has approved a “child-appropriate standard” that Frost Bytes has told you was coming for years: Treat everybody like 8-year-olds! After a Utah Valley State College (yes, college) student came home from a mission and was instantly offended by a billboard, he presented a decency resolution to Orem for “all businesses, schools and public institutions in Orem to adopt child-appropriate standards for their respective operations.” Naturally, they passed it. “Our goal has been to teach and encourage the community to have [a standard] so an 8-year-old child could go into any public building and store and not be inundated with things that aren’t appropriate,” said JoAnn Hamilton of Busybodies, er, Citizens for Families. “We congratulate Orem … They’ve taken a giant-size step.” Yeah … in what direction?

· And after you cover up those filthy magazines at the supermarket checkout stands, go water your danged lawns, Oremites: Everyone’s heard by now the story of the 70-year-old Orem woman how was beaten down and jailed by the cops for having dead grass—but why so little outrage over Utah city ordinances that require lush green lawns? You live in a f—king desert! as the late (and probably buried in a grassy cemetery) Sam Kinison would say. How ’bout a few more stories on that and a hundred less on “How to beat the heat!” local media? Just sayin’.

· One thing that’s not Orem’s fault this week: True TV (p. 48) will tell you that the final two episodes of the canceled Drive will air on Fox on Friday the 13th, qualified with “Or they’re just f—king with you again” because they’ve pulled the Charlie Brown football-yank before. They were: Just before this section of City Weekly went to press, Fox yanked Drive off Friday’s schedule and gave no indication that they would ever run its conclusion. So consider this your same-issue correction. Do I need a disclaimer or anything? Call the lawyers.