It has been three days, and I have yet to get more than 5 hours of sleep, two of which were yesterday afternoon. As I slave over my computer on this idiotic paper I hear a noise behind me, and turn. Willem DaFoe is standing near my bookshelf, where he has been for most of the evening, sipping coffee and browsing over "Memoirs of a Geisha." He looks up and cocks an eyebrow at me.

"Are you done yet? You've been at this all night."

"I'm well aware, thank you. This is a legitimately annoying piece of work, and it requires concentration." I return to my screen, typing furiously.

He coughs genteely. "It looked to me as though quite a lot of that "work" was decidedly gaming-related. Or prose related. Or online-auction related, or song related, or..."

I sigh.

"I know. That's true. We've sort of been slacking off. But there has been work done. I'm sure of it."

"Really? Are you?"

"No. But there should be progress here somewhere. I have 400 pages open to do this damn thing, one of them must have the answers on it, right?"

"...One of them has naked women on it."

"Okay, yes, well, one of the others, then. And shut up."

"Look, are you sure you can afford to screw yourself over on this paper? Can you actually remember turning in any work for this class, apart from one other half-assed article?"

"...No. But I can do this. I just have to...buckle down. A bit."

"...Says the girl who just installed "World of Warcraft" on her machine and who is trying desperately to be inconspicuous as she contrasts class types. This is not something we can afford to do if we plan to ever, for example, graduate. Let alone pass any classes."

"It will not be a problem. I can still get things done. Work will come first...stop leaning on the bookshelf, too. The shifting noises are distracting."

He huffs at me, flopping down on the bed instead, blond hair contrasting with the sheets as he holds the book directly perpendicular to his head and pretends to read before tossing me an aside:

So, today wasn't particularly noteworthy. I spent most of the morning chasing after the little one and cleaning the house, and then headed off to class a bit late as usual. When I got there, I unloaded the MPV and handed the mini-fiend off to Dad--Medea (my car, for those unaware of my tendency to name inanimate objects) is going in for repairs this morning, so the MPV is the vehicle of choice till she's fixed.

After heading upstairs to the AC lab, I was lucky enough to have Adam walk me over to the IM lab because I'm still not feeling so well today. A minor coughing fit (See: Leeloo Understatement) had Claw up and running out to me, and the changing of the guard commenced. At 6:25 we headed off for our respective classes, and I discovered that US History was cancelled...

...Well, only after sitting in the room like an idiot for about 20 minutes. But still, a cancelled class is a good class. Headed back down to the IM lab and managed to entice a few people into Quake 4, at which I tend to suck...at least until I remembered how to use the scope.

Wee-heee, snipers. It's just as much fun in games as it was with the Army sims they showed us at the recruiters: something about seeing through a scope, having a bead on someone and knowing they can't see you in return, is phenomenal. Line up the shot, fire, crimson mist. The best part is that it can also be a tactical disadvantage--rely on your scope too much, and you'll forget to watch your back. If people know how to play against that handicap, it can build a phenomenal game. On top of all this, at the end of the evening I got to play both against and on a team with Claw, which was fun. He's pretty skilled, and it's always interesting to watch him play.

By far the highlight of the evening, however, was getting coffee with him afterward. It was, as usual, a great time to chat and to smile, happy and warm in the confines of the local Starbucks. I can't begin to explain how much his demeanor has changed lately. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, and it leaves me feeling so safe and warm, as though I can do great things.

And tonight, I did. As I waited for the train at the Jackson stop, preparing to go home, I braced myself for the usual melancholia that tends to go with train tracks. I stood there, listening to music, for 10 minutes until the train came, and I could see its headlights down the tunnel.

As it pulled in to the station, a wave of realization hit me: today was the first day I haven't had the urge to take that last step.

Well, so. Walnuts suck, evil little tree-growing bastards that they are. Three days later, I'm still coughing, and I spent last night trying not to choke. Feeling your brain swimming in CO2 fumes is totally and completely wonky. You start feeling woozy, and dizzy, and kind of...odd.

(I have to say that I don't understand auto-erotic asphyxiation whatsoever at this point, though I'm told it's "good fun.")

To be honest, I'm not sure how things would have gone last night if it hadn't been for one thing: I had my cemetary angel by my side. He sat up watching me, holding me, and making sure I was breathing well. I can't remember a lot of it--I was in and out of dreams so much that I'm not sure how often I was actually there, but I know that my stupid mouth ran on its own power at least once.

I am so very blessed,not only with my health, but also with my love. He put himself before me, despite my protests...he stayed all night, even though he had to work this morning, and even called to check up on me today. I have never felt so loved in all my life as I do when I'm with him.

It's so weird, because I am SO not a commitment person. My last relationship before this had to go on for 4 months before I would even refer to him as a boyfriend. This one, though...I've jumped in, feet first, expecting to get burned.

I have always been "right" in my relationships, and been miserable. In this one, I am continually humbled, continually learning, always apologizing, and most of all: ALWAYS wrong.

It's 6:30 in the morning, and my best friend is now on a bus that will take him to a train, which will take him to ANOTHER train, which will take him to Missouri, and far away from me.

I have to admit, I am incredibly surprised by how much I miss him already, and by how much has changed about him since we last saw each other. His dedication to keeping himself healthy is great, he looks SO fantastic with the new haircut, and he's more functional than I have ever seen him before. I'm almost jealous of the people in Mizzou getting to see this side of him all the time.

On the other hand, he managed to prove that he's still Rico-Fuckin'-Suave by spanking me while I did yoga and managing to thereby knock me off the bed, sending us both into spastic giggles at 5:45am, and probably annoying the everliving shit out of my neighbors.

I am going to miss him so goddamn much.

It's weird how you can sometimes build friendships that have a pure level of knowledge and intimacy that doesn't change over years apart. You can be away, and yet grow in the same directions, and when you're together again you realize that everything is still beautiful, secure in the realization that you are safe with this person.

Unfortunately, this also means a total feeling of loss when the person leaves, but it's ALWAYS worth it. Plus, at least this time I have at least one other person with a similar level of intimacy, though it's kind of another branch on the same tree.

Anyway, he will be back down in February...In the mean time, I've been invited to come up to Mizzou to see everyone and visit the town over the massive semester break. But wait, it gets better: SO HAS CASEY!

TOTAL APPROVAL, w00t! This has NEVER happened before, in the history of my friendship with Grant. No threats of leg-breaking, no weirdness in group settings, and total reinforcement of my choice. Quote: "I think you better hold on to this one. He's something different. I like him." End. Fucking. Quote.

To paraphrase a great man: Fuck YES, bitches.

Posted New Pics 2005-11-25 14:26:05 ET

Of the man I consider one of the sexiest alive. I gotta be a better photographer...he SO deserves better photos than this.