Thursday, July 15, 2010

So flipping through my old journals, I've come across some more disturbing 10th grade diary entries that I probably shouldn't share with anyone, but I will. Hey, we all need a little depressing drama once in a while, right?

December 4, 1988 (age 15)

I hate my brother. More than you will ever know.

I'm listening to the Cure today. I've been listening to the Smiths a lot, but needed a break. I want to hear Robert Smith's voice sing about his girlfriends and love and how everything turns shitty for poor Robert. I love him.

I can't wait until Xmas but I don't want to go to church. I refuse to go to church and nobody's gonna make me. No one. There is no g*d, wake up you crazy losers. If there was a g*d, there wouldn't be suffering in the world. People wouldn't hurt other people. A real g*d wouldn't let that happen.

Why am I so weak? I cry all the time for so many reasons, I don't know anymore. I always cry and cry and cry. Nobody wants to know me. They hate me so much. I don't care. I want to cry now just thinking about it. Nobody even wants to know me or talk to me. I hate the people in school.They're so immature.

"'No' such a beautiful word to speak, such a frightening word to hear."

I honestly don't remember writing this, though I do remember feeling it.I Googled that quote to see if it was a song lyric, I guess I made it up myself. I dabbled in poetry in high school. I was that quiet, weird Gothic type kid that nobody understood or really knew. I felt like I didn't have anything in common with anyone and entering a public school suddenly in grade 10, not knowing anyone didn't help.

December 18, 1988 Sunday (age 15)

Ugh, I hate Sundays, especially Sunday night. I wish I could take a day off this week from school. I have to read and do a report on some horrible book...

I wish I were skinny. I am going to the drug store to buy pills. I need to find diet pills and see if that will help.

To this day, I hate Sundays. I truly did hate school. Every minute of it. It's amazing that I graduated and enjoyed college after hating the majority of K-12 as much as I did.

As for diet pills, 1988 began my unsuccessful love affair with OTC diet pills. They never worked. From Dexatrim to TrimSpa, I've tried it all. Prescription diet medications, on the other hand, were amazing. I'd drop 60. However, as you can guess, the problem was I'd gain it back as soon as I stopped taking the medication. Every prescription diet medication I ever took, became banned as soon as it began to work. Figures. I think you can still find these meds (Phentermine/Ionomin and Tenuate) on non-USA drug-pushing pharma websites. I'd never mess with that nonsense today, so don't worry and drugs like Alli relies on one pooping which I'd prefer to stay away from.

There was a time in the 1980s when GAP and Benetton totally did it for me. Family members would ask for a wish list and I'd say "Anything from the GAP or Benetton" ... "Nameless Guy" was my good friend. I had a crush on him, but he didn't like me that way. We once made out in his parent's basement and he stopped me and sent me home. Today he is gay and I'm totally cool with that. I'm just saying that may have attributed to him not digging me, but then again, most guys in general don't dig me (thank gawd I found one and held on to him!), but it's all good.

I look back on my journals and some things I can remember writing and some not... The ones I do remember it just feel eons ago even tho it may have been just 5/6 yrs. ago... When my brother was in h.s. my mom came across some poems he wrote... they gave such insight into him... I think she was surprised to read how lonely he was... and now thinking of him, I can see how he was lonely... Teens and kids have it so hard dealing w/their emotions.. They want and need acceptance and that's a big angst...Some get thru it and some don't and it gets carried over into their adult years...

I really didn't like my K-12 years either. Loved college but now I spend my days in a pre-5th grade school. It is much better being the teacher than the student!My sons at your age were like that with Media Play. They only wanted gift certificates to that place.

Your diary entries always make me sad Ally. I know everyone has teenaged angst and if I remember correctly mine was probably just as huge. I hope you realize how loved you are now. Because you are, you sweet, lovely girl.

I used to sing this song to myself whenever I was down in the dumps..."Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, all I want to do is eat worms." Are you familiar with this song? I'm old enough to be your mother, but I hated school too. My class has had two reunions in all these years, but I still have no desire to go if they have another one. I didn't like school and probably wouldn't enjoy pretending to be thrilled to see everyone again.

My kids loved Gap and Benetton. We just had a crazy conversation with Daughter and her Hubby at dinner the night before last, about crazy socks and checkerboard (fat) laces and pinch rolling the bottoms of their pants... Good chuckles. Not such good chuckles for the teenage angst! I think if people are honest, everybody suffers angst at some point, even if not during the teen years.

I think you and I had twin souls as teens, even though you were past your teens once I finally made it to mine. =) Kudos for having the tenacity to post your journal entries like this!! It's always a great thing to have an insight to the soul of a person. You really were (and still are) a terrific writer! =)

I wish that someone got me stuff from the GAP back in the 80's - alot of my stuff was from Bradlees where my mother worked and not that cool. I probably would have written some of the same things in a journal if I kept one in those days, esp. about crying and hating my school. Church was so boring. I used to daydream alot during mass and check out one of the cute ushers - I think that's what they are called. I hope that God isn't displeased with me for this.

I remember one year I told my mom I wanted a blue jean shirt from Gap. And she got me one alright, but it was not from Gap, and it was horribly awful looking. I wanted to DIE. Like it was seriously the most awful thing to me at the time.