Live your life in such a way......
....that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders and says......
"Oh, S**t!.... she's awake!!"

Saturday, January 21, 2012

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant ...

"I'm sorry," said the maître d', as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."

Friday, January 20, 2012

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

An English
teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the
English language.

He stated how
hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were
usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand
and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't
certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, malesin one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if
a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers
should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to
turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They're supposed to help solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that,
if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers
should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in
long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you
find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

An efficiency
expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to
try these techniques at home."

"Why not?"
asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched
my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She
made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try
carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save
time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually,
yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make
breakfast. Now I do it in seven."