Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

A Woman of Value

When a kingdom woman begins her day, heaven, earth, and hell take notice.
When she nurtures and advises the man she loves, he can do little to resist
her. When she offers care, comfort, and encouragement to her friends and relatives,
they are able to go farther, faster, and in confidence because of her inspiration
and reassurance. "Her children rise up and call her blessed" (Proverbs
31:28, ESV). Other women turn to her for wise counsel and a compassionate
ear. Her church relies on her faithful service. She is a vital contributor to culture
and a gatekeeper at her home to keep out the negative and promote the positive.

When we examine the history of the Christian faith, kingdom women
(both married and single) are everywhere. Kingdom women throughout the
Bible saved lives and nations. It was Jochebed who intervened on behalf of
her son Moses (Exodus 2). Because of her watchful protection, Moses was later
used as the deliverer of Israel (Exodus 3). It was Moses' wife, Zipporah, who
saved Moses' life when God was going to punish him for his refusal to follow
a simple command (Exodus 4:24–26). Esther's bravery gave the opportunity
for the Jewish people to defend themselves from what would have been utter
annihilation (Esther 7–8). Ruth's refusal to return to her own people because
of her dedication to her mother-in-law, Naomi, led to the ongoing line of the
Messiah (Ruth 4:18–22). Rahab was instrumental in the victory of Israel over
Jericho (Joshua 2). Mary carried God's Son in her womb (Luke 1:30–35).

The clearest profile of a kingdom woman that I have ever found in the
Bible is in Proverbs 31. What is interesting, though, is that in all of my study
of Scripture, I have never found a corollary passage for men as Proverbs 31 is
for women. It could be that men need the whole Bible to get it right, while
women just need a chapter.

The Proverbs 31 woman is the hallmark of kingdom women. I like to call
her a woman for all seasons. She is strong, intelligent, capable, giving, resourceful,
efficient, spiritually minded, and much more.

Now, don't close this book just yet. I know that sounds like she is a perfect
woman, and you may feel that her standard is set too high to actually reach.
But the Proverbs 31 woman is not the model of a perfect woman. Neither is a
kingdom woman called to perfection.

Let's use a stay-at-home mom as just one
example. A kingdom woman is not someone
who can multitask perfectly while also home-schooling
three very different children, serving
on four church committees, carpooling
eleven neighborhood kids back and forth to
soccer, keeping her home spotless, coaching
the spelling-bee team, functioning as a killer
CEO in the workplace, making her husband
have the best night of his life each and every
evening, and maintaining a size 6 figure
well into her fifties—all while cooking only
organic, nongenetically modified foods and making every meal from scratch.

That woman doesn't exist. And we didn't put this book together to make
you think that you should be her either. In fact, from my experience pastoring
a church for nearly four decades and spending thousands of hours counseling
both women and men, the issue is often that women are trying to do too
much—and all at once.

Women, you can be a Proverbs 31 woman and more—but that doesn't
mean you do it all at the same time.

One of the most important principles for you as a kingdom woman is that
your life flows through different seasons. Each of these seasons carries with
it different time constraints, blessings, and demands. To try to do all things
without being cognizant of the season you are in is the surest way to burnout
and even bitterness.

The primary foundation of being a kingdom woman doesn't include a million
different things done a million different ways. The primary foundation is
actually simple and straightforward. It is located at the end of Proverbs 31. After
listing everything that this particular woman did, the verse says,

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (Verses 30–31)

What sets a kingdom woman apart from any other woman boils down to
her fear of God. Her reverence determines her actions, thoughts, words, and
priorities. Without that, the demands of life would overwhelm any woman.

Fear the Lord

A woman who fears the Lord will receive the praise that is due her. Her works
and the products of her hands will give her the recognition and validation
that are hers alone. When a woman understands who she is and how God
made her—when she pursues her destiny
in light of how God created her to
function—what she does will produce
remarkable results. This is because it
will be in line with God's will. What too
many women frequently do is base their
decisions on trying to please others, or
trying to earn acceptance, appreciation,
or a sense of worth from their decisions,
appearance, or actions. Yet God never
said that you would receive praise for trying
to please others.

The basis of how a kingdom woman functions comes out of her fear of
God. How she prioritizes her home and family, organizes her life, makes decisions,
chooses investments, and develops her skills occurs from her efforts to
advance God's kingdom. If her priorities are rooted in anything else, they will
lead to weariness and busyness rather than fruitfulness and abundance.

The simplest way I know to define what it means to fear God is to take
God seriously. It means to place what God says and what God requires as the
highest priority in your life. Fearing God does not mean that you are scared of
Him. Fear is better understood as reverence or awe. It means to hold in highest
esteem. A kingdom woman fears the Lord in every area of her life.

The marketplace does not control a woman who fears God. The television,
magazines, blogs, and social media sites do not influence her away from Him.
Her friends don't dictate her emotions or decisions. The culture doesn't define
her. Even her own ambitions don't dominate her. Rather, the primary influence
in a kingdom woman's life is God. His voice is the loudest. He is the One she
seeks to please. Her reverence of Him determines her choices.

The Results of Fearing God

Yes, the Proverbs 31 woman did a lot. She earned her husband's trust, she made
clothes for her family, she got her food from the choicest providers, and she
invested in a small business with her earnings from planting a vineyard. She
helped the poor, took care of those within her home, and dressed herself and
her children in quality clothes. She brought respect to her husband and wisdom
to those around her.

Keep in mind, she lived in a day and a culture where planting a vineyard
did not mean that she did it all on her own. The passage said her arms were
strong (verse 17), so we know she did do some of it. But based on the cultural
norms of the day, it is likely that she hired others to work in her vineyard. She
would have had maidservants who helped around the home, washed clothes,
prepared food, and more.

When you break down all that the Proverbs 31 woman did and translate
it into contemporary times, it really doesn't sound as lofty and unattainable.
Essentially, she honored and respected her husband. She fed and clothed her
family with the healthiest and finest she could afford. She invested the use of her
skills in a personal business, spoke wisely and kindly to others, dressed herself
attractively, and helped the poor. All of those actions can easily translate into
your world today.

I don't want you to feel that what she attained is so far out of reach from
what God is able to do through you. Because it's not. What it comes down to
is that her fear and reverence for God caused her to do the best she could with
what she had to promote God's kingdom and goodness in her own life and the
lives of those around her.

Help Is Not Bad

An important principle that is often overlooked when we examine the life of
the Proverbs 31 woman is that she was not too proud to get help. In verse 15
we read, "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and
portions for her servant girls." Servant girls is not a term that we use today.
In ancient Hebrew society, it referred to a
handmaid or helper. It is a small reference
to a very important truth. As I mentioned
earlier, the kingdom woman in Proverbs
31 didn't try to do it all on her own. She
had help. She was diligent, resourceful,
and productive, yet she didn't do it all
alone.

There is a stigma today for Christian
women in particular about asking for or
using help. For some reason people have
come to believe that "exhaustion is close
to godliness" is written somewhere in the Bible. It is not. The fastest way to
get yourself off track from fulfilling God's kingdom destiny for you is to view
yourself as a superwoman who has to do it all on her own. The key to your
destiny is humbly acknowledging your dependence on God and maximizing
all He provides you, even if that includes accepting or using the help of others.

For example, in the corporate world, a manager would not be considered a
great manager if she tried to do everyone's job herself. A great manager knows
how to draw out the best from those around her while simultaneously leading
and complementing their efforts. You don't have to achieve your destiny alone.

Chrystal's Chronicles

I was crashing and crashing fast. After a wild holiday season followed by a trip out
of state for our son's surgery, I felt as if my household was spinning out of control.
At the time I had a teenager, a preteen, a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant. Oh,
and did I mention a loving kingdom man as a husband who just so happened to work
in the music business, which meant a lot of travel and time away managing concert
tours? I was sleep deprived, short on energy, and short on hours.

Looking around my house, I knew I couldn't do it all. But I was determined to try.
I was convinced that I shouldn't need assistance with my duties as a wife and mother.
I'd always worked well under pressure and been able to keep a few plates spinning at
the same time. Having been a mother from the early age of nineteen, I knew what it
was like to juggle priorities and commitments to get everything done. I liked being capable,
and I definitely didn't want anyone else in the picture to get the glory, uh ... I
mean ... be burdened with responsibilities that were supposed to be mine.

I would see other women who I just knew were superwomen and didn't ask for
help. Little did I know that some of them were dropping their spinning plates too!
We know how to mask things, don't we? Each of us in our own manner finds a way
to make things look nice and tidy to outsiders while we know the truth about the
mess behind closed doors.

I wasn't ready to admit that I needed help. I wanted to be superwoman too.

I remember one night of that crazy-busy season, in those wee, honest hours,
sometime after the last child fell sleep and my husband dozed off, there was no
sound except for the still, small voice of God wondering in a whisper if He had
somehow been forgotten that day. I prayed with a metaphorical hand on my hip.
"God," I said, "if You want me to have time for You, too, then I need some help
getting things done. And I need You to bring help to me." I didn't want to have to
humble myself so much to actually go look for help—therefore acknowledging that I
needed some.

But that's how great God is. Despite my ornery self, He heard my prayer in the
middle of my dark and overwhelming night.

Now before I share the answer to that prayer with you, let me tell you about
my philosophy on cleaning. I abide by the saying, "My house should be clean enough
to be healthy, but messy enough to be lived in." Because I homeschool our children,
I don't ever expect my home to look like it came out of a magazine. I—along with
four to five children (depending on the time of year)—am home at least four days
a week all day. My house isn't going to stay pristine just because I clean all the time.
Not possible. I strive for balance between being a good mom, teacher, cook, wife,
and homemaker. I'll trade a random opportunity to bounce around on the trampoline
with my kids over scrubbing the baseboards any day!

Sure, I know a handful of ladies who are good housekeepers, great housekeepers,
in fact. I have tried to figure out with my husband how they do it. Here is what
I have learned. We all have the same twenty-four hours in a day. If someone else's
home is always pristine, it has to do with how she spends her time. My friend with
the beautiful home and four homeschooled children has children all over the age of
twelve. (Do you hear that, moms of small children? She has no little people!) Sure,
she is running around to basketball and soccer practice, but with four other capable
bodies in the house, she also has lots of help. Another friend of mine with small
children has a gorgeous magazine-ready home. But her children spend three days a
week at a Mother's Day Out ... and she has a nanny. My friend who makes gourmet
meals every night has her kids in traditional school all day.

I also have a friend whose home is always in disarray, but she enjoys her little
children and plays with them quite a bit more than I play with mine. They are always
outside playing or inside working on some neat craft. Creativity and fun are
their family's highest values in their current season. Ladies, it's all about how God
designed you and what is important in your life right now. That determines how you
choose to spend your time. No one can do it all.

So as a mom in the middle of mothering preschoolers on up to young adults, I
just do my best. If I tried to put housework first at all costs, something else that is
important would suffer: building relationships with my children.

As a result of my revelation, I have gone through a series of adjustments in my
personal expectations over the last few years so that I can stay sane.

A few of my compromises are as follows:

 I aim for a clean kitchen twice a day. Three times is a luxury. Even so, I always
expect there to be dishes in the sink.

 I shoot for a mopped floor two times a week, unless otherwise necessary.
It's just too depressing to mop the floor only to find in just a few hours that
it doesn't look like I did anything.

 I try to hit each room in my house once a week on a rotating schedule. What
does this mean? My house is not clean all at the same time.

 I'm constantly training my children to care for our home, because I'm trying
to work myself out of a job. This means our "clean home" is not going to be
perfectly clean.

 Laundry is always going. I do about a load a day.

 My carpet is never going to look new, no matter how many rules I make
about food and drink staying in the kitchen. It just doesn't happen. What can
I say?

 We live in our home. My teenager does schoolwork at the computer, my
little ones do schoolwork at the kitchen table, we congregate at the island—in
short, we are all over the place. As we transition to the dinner hour, I
shoot for things in their place. If I can't have that, then I shoot for neat piles.

 Oh, and the baseboards? I get to 'em when I get to 'em. (Or I'll just wait until
my little ones are old enough to do a good job—they are nearer to the floor
anyway!)

But here's my problem. I am comfortable with the standards in my home. But
when I have a visitor, I'm still completely thrown into a panic. Why? Because I don't
want to leave a bad impression of the kind of housekeeper I am!

So imagine my dismay when my dad showed up for an unannounced visit and
proceeded to inspect my house. I kid you not; he went from room to room, each
time saying, "Oh, Chrystal!" This coming from a man who barely raises his voice
(except to preach, of course). Now, granted, the day he came was a bad day. Forget
all my housekeeping rules. He wouldn't have known I had any!

In fact, it was a Monday. Mondays are always the worst. He commented on
the spots on the carpet, the dishes in the sink, the stuff on my countertops, and the
baskets of unfolded clothes in the hallway, and then he even peeked in my bedroom
and saw the confusion in there. When he looked in my refrigerator, Dad groaned at
the sticky stuff on the top shelf too.