The Term: The Lifer

The Lifer is someone who came to Korea (or any ESL abroad job, really) directly after University and found things were so good he never went home. Going beyond your comfort zone can be scary, and this guy is plenty content to not budge an inch. Why would he? He’s just like Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused”. He keeps getting older, and the revolving door of Koreans and Expat Women alike stay the same age!

Like the Eternal Expat, The Lifer doesn’t want to return home for fear he’ll just never have it as good. He’s perhaps a 6 at home, but a 10 abroad. Out every night of the week, he’s got a local girlfriend, but still crushes Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid on the regular. With expat dates across the city during the week, he’s got a locally-sourced meal every Sunday night.

These guys are amazing because they know the best of everything. The best places to find the jobs where you get paid the highest and work the fewest hours. Traditionally these are University jobs, but sometimes you score with a hagwon pulling a fast one. The Lifer knows all about sketchy hagwons and sketchy behaviour. The Lifer knows “the best” BBQ spots in the city, and calls the servers Hyung (Brother) and Emo (Auntie). He knows every single person at the bar, plays it off like he’s too cool to chat anyone up, and secretly swipes in the bathroom because social interactions which aren’t completely under his control are far too nerve wracking.

He’ll leave you eventually, but he’d never dare leave the Land of Morning Calm.

The Newest in Dating Diaries: Repatriation

When writing about something as sensitive as dating, it’s kind of tough to write something positive without hurting someone’s feelings. You might be thinking “huh? What’s she talking about? Why would writing something good hurt someone?”, but hear me out. When you write something – anything at all – and it strikes a chord in a man (even one you may have never met!) the comments section can get a little heated. I’m ready and waiting with popcorn (Smartfood, I’ve missed you) for all of the man-hating, extreme feminist names they have stored in their back pockets. When you write something about men in general, and someone else he thinks he’s the man in your life, feelings can get hurt. I am single. I am all over the map literally and figuratively. In the (almost) 3 weeks I’ve been back in North America, I’ve met some truly wonderful people, and surprisingly young and accomplished men.

Dating After Korea

Since leaving Korea, I’ve been through Bali, back to Korea, to Canada, the United States, and back to Canada all within 40 days. If any of you think dating in Korea is wonderful, welcome to the rest of the world. It’s your damn oyster! If you’re having trouble and want to explore the dating world more extensively, maybe the contract life in the land of the morning calm isn’t for you. I know I’ve always been the queen of bad timing, and Korea pressure didn’t help. I’ve recently had a freedom and flexibility which seems to have been pretty attractive to men. Well, pretty attractive to the average ODB and younger man, alike. It feels nice to have most people believe I’m somewhere between 21 and 25. Guess my multi-step K-Beauty routine has been working! I’m always honest and upfront about being 30. Ain’t no shame in that game. My Tinder is set to meet men 25 – 37, which I feel is fairly age-appropriate. Meeting younger guys (organically) has actually taught me a lot about how to relax into the dating world again. In honour of The Real Housewives of New York City returning to Bravo, let’s let my favourite cradle-robber, Carole Radziwill, tell you all about why repatriation is best with a younger man by your side.

Confidence

At 30 (and after living in Korea), it’s really easy to get anyone’s number. I’ve just been living in fantasy land (as far as any recruiters are concerned) for the past 3 years. If you can’t walk up to a random hottie and pretend you’re just two SIMS characters after that, what HAS Korea taught you? Seriously – after 30 we just don’t care. There are dating opportunities everywhere.

You Can’t Hurry Love

You might think that dating is the same everywhere. That notion would be entirely incorrect. Living in Korea has completely shaped the way I interact with men. Expats don’t typically buy into the Korean way of dating, but we definitely don’t do it like we would back home. We’ve all got that added pressure of our contract’s time limit looming over our heads, so more often than not we rush. I remember by our 3rd date (in as many days) Co-P asked me to be his girlfriend (and subsequently married the next woman he only met a handful of times. Bullet = dodged). Adonis went from traveling SEA to living with me in the course of a month.

You’ve been out of the game for X many years

Things happen so quickly when you’re living abroad or traveling. I had a whirlwind romance turned roller-coaster ride in Bali over 10 days. It’s insane how quickly things develop. Because of my experiences, I have the emotional ADHD of a much younger human. I need to learn how to slow down and actually meet people again the Western way. In order to do so, dating a guy on my level has a number of benefits:

He’s Not Necessarily Established

Coming back to live in Canada I’ve stayed with my parents, gone on a blogger trip, and am currently house-sitting. Until I sort out my job and living situation in Toronto, I’m 30 and living in my parents’ basement. Good news! He’s probably still living with Mommy and Daddy, too, or he may have just moved out on his own. You’re ready to re-enter the social scene and he’s eager to experience the city. Nobody’s there to make you feel bad about starting over since he’s starting up as well.

He’s Protective

The younger guys I’ve met thus far have been far more earnestly doting, caring, and chivalrous than guys my age. Maybe there’s been a renaissance in upbringing or maybe they feel like they have more to prove with the change in typical gender dynamics. Whatever it is, I’m appreciative. All my life I’ve been so worried about losing someone precious. Suddenly I feel like I’m the important one they don’t want stolen away.

He’s Got the Energy

‘Nuff said.

He’ll teach you about the latest trends

I feel like such a geriatric creature bringing this one up, but there are pieces of generational technology I haven’t had time to peruse. He’ll help you assess the latest gadgets and give you the specs before even heading in to buy the hardware. When I’m still fighting with Olleh/ Korea Telecom (KT) to get my last account closed, it’s great to have a wealth of knowledge helping me along.

Dating Younger: He Looks Good

Have you ever noticed how 30 year old men look these days? Being stressed and overworked not only has an effect on the ol’ beer belly, but their skin loses glow, too. Cameron Diaz’s character in “The Holiday” talks about how men age gracefully and women become haggard. “I’m gonna call bullshit on that.” That couldn’t be farther from the truth for me. 5 years ago, a friend who had just turned 30 told me she was the happiest and in the best shape of her entire life. I scoffed, but dammit if those words aren’t ringing like the Bell of Good Luck in my 30, flirty, and thriving ears.

In my mid-twenties I was fat and miserable. I worked out plenty, but stress and poor eating habits got the best of me. Coming back from Korea, I have a phenomenal beauty routine thanks to my friends at Leegeeham, G2Cell, CosRX (they just sent me a package I can’t WAIT to review for you), and Seoul Cosmetic Surgery. Botox is no longer taboo. Wouldn’t you want to stop the aging process dead in its tracks? I don’t want to look like I’m dating a child, but I’m not ready to look like I’m dating my dad, either.

Dating Expectations

When I was in my early to mid twenties, I went out with guys who I considered to be out of my league. I dated a lot of douche-canoes; a lot of big Richards, if you will. Ladies: you are worth it. Don’t ever let a guy string you along without commitment simply because you think he’s too hot or too accomplished. Spoiler alert: there’s no such thing! If he’s interested in spending time with you in or out of the bedroom, then you need to be clear about your expectations. When you’re happy with what you’re getting then that’s perfect. If you’re not, make it clear!

Dating Doubts

I’ve learned to care a lot less about what other people think. If he fucks it up? Well… I don’t care, really. I mean it’s lovely for now, but he’s got a lot of living to do before settling down. I’m looking to plant those roots in Toronto, but until then why waste good company?

Warning: Dating Younger may have Drama Closer than it Appears

When dating a younger man, there’s always the chance there will be some pathetic fly on the wall desperate to make a meal out of a snack. One day she’ll learn. For now, ignore…ignore…ignore.

Dating Deterrents

In my last year in Korea I dealt with the most vile, psychotic woman I’ve ever met because she thought she was dating my boyfriend. She met him twice – before I had ever met him. The vendetta lasted a year, and I’m sure the wine, fat-shaming, and name-calling parties continue even now that I’m gone. There’s plenty more to the story, but that’s too juicy for today.

Just one for the young ladies considering the paragraph above. We’re older. We’re wiser. Take heed.

Korea –> Canada: Dating through Repatriation

Living in Korea was great for my health, horrible for my heath, and taught me a lot. It was great because in my first year I was able to create that work/ life balance I so craved. I had the opportunity to cook properly, my favourite snack foods were disgusting in Korea (BBQ Cheetos – ew!), and I had split shifts meaning I could work out 2 hours a day. I took my weekends off, and that’s where I’d let myself go off the rails a little bit.

Number 1 rule? No gym on weekends. Number 2 rule? It’s okay to eat an entire pie from Pizza School (corn and all) on Sunday. Was I hungover? Absolutely. Had I cleaned my entire apartment Friday night rather than go out? Hell yes. Did that have something to do with the “focus candy” prescribed liberally? OH YEAH. Korea helped me lose my stress weight and taught me about balance. When you feel good you look good and that goodness radiates. I have a whole new outlook on dating in Canada right now.

My #1 Key to Dating Anywhere

What did I learn? Well, this series is about dating, so we’ll keep it to that. Communication is the absolute most important part. Even if you’re dating someone from another English-speaking country, there are bound to be cultural differences. Knowing what you want and what you can bring to the table is also important. As someone returning to the dating game in my home country, I don’t feel comfortable dating someone who has just been blindly happy with the status quo the entire time I’ve been away. Maybe it’s the Korean Skincare Routine, maybe I’m just not willing to settle for someone who has settled. Regardless, I’m attracting younger guys – and I’m starting to be okay with that.

In conclusion, nobody needs to know you’re dating younger.

You’re only as old as the man that you feel, right?

Have you experienced something interesting and unexpected coming back to the dating pool in your home country? Let Cartier know in the comments section below!

Creepy Communication

We all do it. Social Media makes it easier than ever to look up how our loved ones past and present are doing. Are they living their best lives? How happy are they? It seems when I’ve finally met someone new, the ghosts of lost loves past have their interests piqued. When I started dating my most recent ex, it breathed life into a few poltergeists. The man I’ll probably always consider to be the first great love of my life reached out. He said everything that I had needed and so desperately craved hearing, albeit all a little too late. I was honest about our communication with my new partner, and he was honest (well…to a point) about his. When I was living with the Adonis, he would call his ex while I was at work. What did I care if they spoke? They dated for 7 years – she was a huge part of his life and he was important to her. She was also roughly 9,000 km away. How much harm could she really do from that great a distance? I think I’d be more worried if he wasn’t interested in her well-being and didn’t want to maintain mutual respect.

Photographer: Ant Rozetsky

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

In a new relationship, it’s tempting to look back on your partner’s old ones. Are you part of a trend or are you different, special – an outlier? Are you far enough outside the particular set of previous patterns and failures to stand the test of time? A jealous, pissed off, or threatened woman does better research than the FBI, CIA and Secret Service combined. When in a budding relationship I was contacted by my (then new) boyfriend’s ex stating that he had cheated on the previous two. She told me I was becoming a symptom of a much bigger problem. I, of course, dismissed it at the time. He told me just enough to make it seem like we had an open and honest relationship. I was completely transparent. When his pattern reemerged several months later, you had better bet I quickly learned about RSS feeds, source, input, and the ease of info gathering online. I did it because I sensed a problem. I had an underlying insecurity about the state of our relationship. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and unfortunately got more than I bargained for.

Photographer: Allef Vinicius

Poking Holes in More Than Just the Story

What about the longstanding current girlfriend, fiance, or even wife, though? I mean, she’s already won. What use is it to look back on something which ended so very long ago? On one hand, I can see that she means no harm. She’s just curious about our history together. How far down the line is it normal or healthy to creep? Why does my ex boyfriend’s current love want to know about my daily activities now when he and I ceased all contact 7 months ago? I’m sure there’s a small part where the “winner” can take perverse pleasure in popping up and rubbing it in your face that she’s enjoying your old memories. Is there trouble in paradise or does she just want to lord her “success” over me without ever having to exchange words?

Rawpixel.com

When you’ve finally met someone new and are enjoying learning all about him, she’s there to drudge up the past. At least when a man’s 6th sense kicks in, you might get closure. When woman’s sick sense starts tingling, everyone just ends up shaken. It’s better on both sides to leave well enough alone.

Photographer: Matthew Henry

Personal Space

To my exes’ new girlfriends and wives: ladies, if you’re really that curious about me, reach out! I’d rather be cool with your creeping than completely unnerved. If that’s not your jam, please have the decency to use a fake account. You don’t need him to block me. You don’t need to control with whom he communicates. The women before me prepared him to love you. If your relationship is strong, it’s due in part to the fact that I made him ready to love you and that you’re a better fit together than we ever could have been. The hell he and I went through together doesn’t negate the joy you have now. It’s not in spite of it, it’s because of it. We worked through issues together that have made him a more considerate boyfriend or husband for you. They will hopefully have helped make me a better partner in my next relationship, too.

Photographer: Kaci Baum

Gratitude

To my readers: If your man is communicative, caring, and observant, chances are there’s a mother, sister, or ex-girlfriend who helped him along the way. There’s not a single ex-boyfriend of mine with whom I’d want to get back together, but I have a genuine interest in their well-being. Don’t try to police your significant other’s communication. If he’s friendly with his ex and a better man with you than he was with her, you might even want to buy her a bottle of wine.

The concept of love bombs is one I’ve seen particularly frequently in Korea. The gist is that you meet a partner and it’s an explosion of feelings, but also commitments one or both parties have no intention of keeping. You have what you think are open and honest conversations about your emotions, about your goals, about the future. You travel together, meet your partner’s family, buy one another lavish gifts. In the blink of an eye, it’s over and done. Love Bombs. And what’s cuffing season? “Cuffing season is that period of time between fall and the dead of winter when people start looking for someone they can spend those long, frigid months with,” -Sameera Sullivan.

Photographer: Brodie Vissers

Expat Love Bombs

I can’t speak for expats in other countries, but I would venture to guess our issues of loneliness are all pretty similar. We leave our families and (for most of us) our friends and support systems back home. While social groups in Korea form quickly, they’re often made up of people with whom we’d probably never be friends back home. Romantic relationships are different. Expats often have “light-hearted” trysts, but once a connection is made, exclusive relationships are locked down very quickly. Everything is intensified when you feel instantly loved and cared for. I think most of us crave that adrenaline rush of passion. Unfortunately you can’t call a house a home without a little work, time, and attention. Most of us are only contributing one of the three in a new relationship while living abroad.

Photographer: Christopher Campbell

My Last Love Bombs

My last two serious (albeit short-lived) relationships were definitely love bombs. I knew right from the start that these should be enjoyable little flings and that I shouldn’t invest my time or emotions too much. In Thailand, H dropped everything, flew with me from Phuket to Chiang Mai, and started making comments about ring shopping and spending the remainder of our vacation pretending we were engaged.

Photographer: Tim Gouw

Ex-Co-P was quick to start calling me his “Seoulmate”. He would call my apartment “Our City House” and his room on base “Our Country Home”. He shared what was his eagerly by bringing me goodie bags of things he thought I wouldn’t be able to buy (off post) in Korea. I was still getting over my last love bomb where the ye-olde-Adonis, H, actually gave up Bali to move into my shitty little studio apartment in Sincheon. I could see through Ex-Co-P’s bullshit immediately, but I chose to ignore it because he did all the things that H stubbornly refused to do.

Photographer: William Stitt

Blind Beyond the Art of Seduction

On our 3rd date (coincidentally the 3rd day after we finally met in person), he snapped a selfie of us to post on Facebook calling me his KECH (a play on my initials). He asked me to be exclusive about an hour later. FINALLY! Finally I had someone who wasn’t afraid to show off to the world that he liked me. I didn’t need any of the expensive gifts he had brought me on our first few dates. All I needed was someone who wanted to be close to me. That was my version of having a guy jump up and down on a couch on Oprah. Finally someone wasn’t ashamedwas proud to be with me. Everything seemed different. He even put together an outfit to accompany me to Seoul Fashion Week. He invited his family and friends into our life together. Sparks flew.

Photographer: Priscilla Westra

Within weeks he was asking me my plans for the future (immediately by piggy-backing onto my Taipei and Tokyo trips), telling me his goals and dreams, and asking how we could fit into one another’s lives moving forward. He used to joke about me moving in with him on the base, but there was an underlying truth and neediness to it all. He made me actually want to have an easy life in the boonies running track on Sunday mornings, meal-prepping for the week in the afternoon, and cozying up with a movie Sunday nights. It seemed so simple. I couldn’t hear the tick-tock of the bomb because it had already detonated. Our simple, little, careless, time-sensitive relationship had immediately broken its contract and gone off the rails the moment I said “yes” to being his girlfriend.

Photographer: Mitchell Hollander

Man-ipulation & Subconscious Un-Coupling

I can’t pinpoint the moment it all changed. In hindsight I think he continued to slowly chip away at my confidence by maintaining past drama. Ex-Co-P loved to drudge up his past relationships. He continuously brought up the issues he created for me in the workplace. He would perpetuate drama by inserting himself in issues I had had to rectify on his behalf that were having an effect on my life. I felt inadequate at work and at home.

Photographer: Snufkin

After our one, and only, major argument, I coughed all night. The next day he demanded we run 6 km (round-trip) up and down Namsan Tower. He knew full well that I was a sprinter working on endurance and had a bad cough. He was testing me and patronizing me. It was clear that he was looking for a fight. When we got to the base of Namsan Tower, he asked me was if I wanted to go find his “Pont-des-Arts”-style love lock from two girlfriends ago. This was the girlfriend who was still friends with some of my friends. She even lived in the area of town I desperately missed. Had I not been dating this loser, we’d probably be friends.

Photographer: Tohm Brigitte

“Cuffing Season” is Bullshit

I wrote the 7 Worst Guys an Expat can Date nearly a year ago. Hundreds of comments came pouring in. Many said I sounded like a jaded woman scorned. I think most of those qualities identified in the article still hold true. Elements of each character can be found in both men and women. As a cisgendered, straight woman, I write about my own personal experiences. The list is not comprehensive. Let’s say I wrote about the “7 Treasures Every Expat Woman Should Seek Out”. You better bet your bottom dollar there would be no more use for this site at all. You see, if I was any good at taking my own advice, ThatGirlCartier would cease to exist. My Grandmother was RAF and my Grandfather was RCAF. It’s like I walk around with a giant AF magnet on my heart and “US AIR FORCE” tattooed across my forehead. Am I supposed to avoid every Military Man I meet? Who knows – you already know I can’t follow my own advice!

Right now I’m talking to several men. I’m actually just dating and getting to know them on a personal, platonic level. No more intense situations right off the bat. No more instances of watching him pull the pin, drop the grenade and run away. Certainly no more “fuckboys in sheep’s clothing” (as so aptly a fellow Seoul Blogger described Ex-Co-P). I met H in August and Ex-Co-P at the beginning of March. Cuffing season is clearly not limited to the dark, cold, lonely, winter months…especially when it comes to sociopaths “love-bombs”. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time. Don’t let love bombs’ smoke get in your eyes.

Saturn Return

This week, I prepare to bid farewell to my roaries twenties and celebrate entry into the dirty thirty club. This year in particular (29) has been pretty magnificent, but it hasn’t been withoutheartacheanddisappointment.People keep bringing up this idea of Saturn Return. “The longer, more elaborate version: This is the astrological period of our life when the planet Saturn completes its orbit around the Sun, coinciding with the time of our birth. It happens every 29.5 years, so if you have skated by in your late 20s, this period could get you in your late 50s.” Is this where the No Doubt album name originated? Gwen Stefani was 30 or 31 when it was released. I was obsessed with these tracks. I was 13 when Return of Saturn was released, but the lyrics seem more relevant now than ever!

I don’t hold steadfast and true to astrology, but one can find poetry and life lessons in just about anything. The idea that I should learn something from the craziness of my twenties is certainly not lost on me. While I’ve been a teacher in Korea, life in Seoul in Busan has thrown me some curveballs. I’d like to share what teaching and living in Korea has taught me in an elementary kind of way. Here are a few Dr. Seuss memes to, pardon the pun, bring it all full circle.

I’ve Learned to Love My Body

Being naked isn’t a crime. Ajummas (the old gals) at jimjilbangs (bath houses/ spas) strut around, full bush and fupas out with pride. They don’t give a rat’s ass about my curvy stomach and hips or my prickly legs. I’ve worked hard to drop the weightI gained after joining the workforce and quitting my varsity days. Now I’m in the maintenance stage which means I really have to dedicate quite a bit of time and energy to not balloon again. I have to nourish my body even if that means being a hunter for protein and veggies at my own grocery store. Now that I’m mere days away from 30, I know I’m never going to be perfect. Getting a luxurious facial or massage is allowed and should damn well be in the budget. If I want to get botox or lip injections then that’s my own personal choice. Through fitness, nutrition, a Korean skin care regime, and time to treat myself I aim to strike a balance. I strive to be a better me than yesterday.

What the Fuck is this Shit?

Sometimes you’re just not going to have a damn clue what’s on your plate, written on a kid’s test, or walking down a runway. Just learn to roll with it. There’s no point in getting up in arms over something you don’t understand. Culturally – take some time to do some research if you’re even feigning an interest. If you’re living in or even just visiting another country, their customs will likely be foreign to you. Try to figure ’em out. If it’s just some otherexpat prick leaving you scratching your head – dealbreaker. Move the fuck along.

Tough Memories

Is dating shitty guys all part of Saturn Return? Looking back on Taipei and Tokyo suuuuuucks. I remember the amazing moments we shared and the distances we traveled together. I try to see the silver lining in it all, but it’s not easy especially when I’m pinpointing the exact moments in Tokyo when he was texting his…less than reputable woman. The best I can do is reflect on the good times and, instead of looking for negatives, think of learning opportunities for the future. I got to feel the bliss of romance in Taiwan and Japan. That’s pretty rad.

Ghosting

A decent person will respond when txted, messaged, or called. Don’t give out your phone number if you have no intention of ever seeing the person again. If you’ve had interactions you don’t want to continue, find a nice way to tell the person. It’s one thing to have a friendship or dating situation fizzle out, but hiding behind technology is so cowardly.

No Fucks Left

Guys, I’m 30. I’m exhausted. This isn’t my first rodeo. If you’re a flakey friend or a douchey date I’m over it. I have zero fucks (red, blue or otherwise) left to give. Sorry if that offends you, but I’m just outta chances to hand out.

If he’s not giving me what I need, I should just move on.

I’m not going to change him. If he wants to become a better version of himself he will. If I can help…great!

Change yourself for yourself. Never change for him.

On the Subject of Impact

Sometimes it’s hard to be a lifestyle blogger with a major focus on dating. The impact of constantly trying to put myself out there has definitely taken a toll. Of course I believe in love and want to find the right companion…for me. The whole idea that I have to work on myself by myself is a little ridiculous, in my opinion. My gal pals keep telling me to stay single and work on myself. I think that’s a load of hooey. I’m definitely a more organized and productive person when in a relationship. I’m a busy person and I really have to carve out time to spend it with the people I like. “Love yourself first” is an over-used phrase. I love myself just fine, thank-you very much. Why is it that the last three men who have tossed those three little words my way suddenly run in the opposite direction when I finally return their affection and say them back? I say “I love you” to my friends constantly. There are plenty of poetic ways to speak and show your affection. By the time I return home I’ll have no partner and no job. Will I have prospects? Who knows…but it’s terrifying to look into the unknown. Hopefully “terrifying” will be spun as “exhilirating” sometime soon.

Most People Are Cunts

This, ladies and gentlemen, is truer than true. While there are some great, salt of the Earth human beings out there, most people are only looking out for #1. I’ve seen countless men and women be treated like absolute shit because they’re just an option and not a priority. So much time is wasted because people are shitty to people. We like to hurt one-another. Plus, let’s talk bloggers. I’ve encountered some amazing, supportive women in Korea. Most people think that expat/ travel/ beauty/ foodie bloggers are all in competition. That’s not true at all. If you look through any of my posts here or on The Toronto Seoulcialite you’ll find I try to take any opportunity to link to the supporters in the community. That said, there are some real assholes around. I don’t know how I’ve been unable to identify the patterns. I want to give everyone a fair chance, but it’s exhausting when people want a piece of you for a free hotel stay or meal. Boys and girls, there’s no such thing as a free meal. If I’m working in contra with a brand there’s a multi-faceted marketing plan to go along with a post. You don’t just get to share 1 sly pic on instagram and live a life of luxury. There’s plenty of work to share around. Stop being cunts and just support one-another, dammit.

The Internet

Can people on the internet just stop and realise that bloggers are people too? The number of degrading comments and threats I’ve received for discussing fluffed up dating scenarios is insane. You can’t take anything some angry troll with a firewall security blanket says seriously. This one is still something with which I struggle, as these people know exactly who I am (and often where to find me), but they’re safely behind fake profiles with stolen profile pictures (or none at all). I love to get helpful suggestions from readers. They’re few and far between, so if you’ve got something then please go ahead and e-mail me or leave it in the comments. Recently a faceless Korean instagrammer told me to start YouTube as my lengthy posts aren’t always the easiest to understand. That was a great suggestion! Telling me to go back to Canada because I’m clearly someone who couldn’t get a job back home? Not so helpful. Ps. I was the Director of Sales and Marketing for a group of companies back in Toronto. I took a major pay cut to come to Korea and don’t regret it for a second.

Stand Out

In the Apgujeong area of Seoul, Korea, there are so many versions of the same face it’s scary. I don’t want to look like anyone else. I want to feel authentic. I don’t, however, need to have my natural hair colour or bags under my eyes to feel authentic. If someone is telling me I look tired and should ‘take a rest’, maybe I am tired and should slow down. Having blonde hair in Korea constantly means I stand out. Will I keep it back in Canada? Who knows! I definitely feel more like myself as a blonde (having gone back to the dark sideearlier this year). I enjoy the liberties Koreans take with style. Some of the conventions are a little weird (the shortest skirts, most conservative tops, and most heinous shoes). I hope I can feel free enough to stand out with my own personal style when I go back to Toronto.

Those Who Matter Don’t Mind

I don’t think in 30 years I’ve had a birthday as amazing as this one. The most important people showed up and completely showered me with love (and food – the true way to my heart and Seoul). Having all of those people in one room was overwhelming, hysterical, and incredibly fun. I’m amazed and humbled that I can be the brassy, unapologetically honest, wild, and sensitive person I am with the people I have met in Korea. We’re never gunna survive unless we get a little crazy, but I know mine can be a lot to handle. Thank you for showing me all kinds of crazy love. My Saturn Return feels like a positive renaissance. Here’s to the next 30. Peace out, Saturn.

Everything ends, but some things don’t even get a chance at a proper start. Grown men need to learn to communicate rather than “ghosting”. This is the story of my devilishly handsome, mysterious, and insanely cowardly rebound.

My Most Recent Ghosting Experience

I recently went out with a man who I thought was interested in dating casually. As I was fresh out of a relationship, I figured he planned on getting to know me over time. It’s also fair to assume that he was seeing other women throughout the first month of what I’ll call our “courtship”. Tinder is like window shopping, and I had a brand new account. We saw eachother 4 times that first week, which was a little intense for me. It was also pretty similar to my last relationship. Co-P was in a new Facebook relationship a mere 11 days after he and I split. That’s such a shady look. Perhaps he shouldn’t have cheated if he knew he’d get so butthurt about our break-up. I wasn’t in a place where I felt I needed to “win” the break-up. I want to wait until I actually know someone before determining I’ll be spending my valuable time with him alone.

So, rebound and I had some really nice dates. We went to some of my favourite spots in Itaewon as he was new to the city. A friend of mine came along on date #1 (what I call an “audition”), and his boss met up with us later that day. He joined me for a restaurant review and asked that we spend the next night “just us”. He held my hand in public and let other males around us know through physical cues that he was the alpha and I wasn’t going to entertain their advances. By date #3 he told me he didn’t want this to just be a fling. After that, I started to get the silent treatment. He’d go incommunicado for days, then blow up my phone with cute selfies and videos. We both left Seoul for the long weekend, but were in touch the whole time.

Photographer: Matheus Ferrero

When he got back home, he called me via video chat. He cracked a joke at one point, so I laughed. He told me that’s all he ever wanted. All he wanted was just to make me laugh and smile. The line was delivered with such innocence and fluidity I almost believed it. I rolled my eyes and that’s when he said the one thing that surprised me.

“You’re so cool. You play it so cool.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you act like you don’t care. I care.”

“I’m confused. You’re the cool one in this situation. I’m just trying to keep up.”

My bullshit-o-dometer was whizzing out of control. That’s when he told me he had the next 10 years of his life planned out. Where was I going to fit in? It’s nice to have a casual, physical relationship, but what were we and what happens next? What about the “dot…dot…dot…”? After I told him it was a little early to be having this conversation, I suggested getting together on the weekend. He agreed, with the caveat that now (after nearly a month of knowing one-another) was the perfect time for this serious discussion. After that? Radio silence…was he seriously ghosting me after trying to lock it down on freaking FaceTime?

Photographer: Jacob Ufkes

Gentlemen, you know exactly what kind of shitty human being you are when you consciously decide not to pick up calls or respond to messages. Nobody is too busy to make plans with someone they like. When a man is interested in a woman, he’ll move Heaven, Earth, a board meeting or a boys night to see her. When you’re ghosting, you’re avoiding responsibility because you’re too chicken shit to have an actual adult conversation. Everyone gets anxious when it comes to potential confrontation. You owe it to the other person to provide a proper conclusion. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: to get what you want you have to communicate.

Ladies, here are some of the reasons why he’s ghosting you:

He’s Not Looking For Commitment

This guy will flip his shit at the simplest “how was your day?” text. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a serious relationship or casual tail. He wants no strings attached and assumes you’re hunting for a ring. Drop the dud and play the field. He’s not worth your time.

There’s Another Woman

I always say that Tinder is like window shopping. Men can certainly make the most of a shitty situation. In fact, a lot of guys I know actually exclusively Tind while on the can. If you’re dating someone actively perusing your replacement, he’s a turd. Don’t let yourself circle the drain with this one.

You’re the Other Woman

I met this wonderful man last year who really wanted to take things slow and get to know me. We went on some fantastic dates and I felt like we really started to make a connection. Then, he started acting weird and before I knew it – he was ghosting. It turns out his ex fiance was getting married and he just wasn’t quite over it all. It didn’t matter that their relationship was over. He wasn’t ready to make an emotional investment that might end with similar feelings. This one actually came back and we were able to talk it out. Eventually, we even became friends.

He’s Just Not That Into You

It sucks to hear, but the old Sex and the City adage is real. He doesn’t see this going anywhere and doesn’t wanted to get sucked into an emotional conversation where he’ll have to explain why. He doesn’t even respect you enough to have the common decency to tell you he doesn’t want to see you. Start swiping.

You’re an Option, Not a Priority

He wants to keep you around in case he needs an emotional relationship or a late night booty call down the line. Unfriend. Unfollow. Block if you must. Move the hell along.

Dating is tough. Expat dating is often tougher. When it comes down to it, we all want to feel important and cared for. Nobody wants to feel tossed aside. Ladies and gentlemen, don’t willfully neglect another human. Be kind, be gentle, and stop ghosting. I can guarantee that a reasonable person will respond much better (and likely stop responding altogether) if you tell him or her in a nice way that you don’t want to proceed. The calling, the texting, the passive aggressive social media posts (and lurks) will all vanish – and you won’t have to. If you want to alleviate guilt and avoid confrontational/ emotional conversations be clear. Stop ghosting.

Expat Dating Don’ts and Break-Up Do’s

Co-P and I started having the inevitable (inevitable because he’s leaving Korea, not because he’s a cheater) break-up talk. It would have been fine had it not been in Haneda airport 6 hours before our flight. A few days later our fast, serious, fleeting, expat dating romance was over. Little did I know then, he was already seeing (and sleeping with) someone else. The confidence I had in our direct, communicative relationship was an absolute lie, and I feel pretty stupid having trusted him. Because of the exciting, dramatic, androcky way our relationship began, I felt like most of the time we were playing relationship chicken. I had several trips lined up before meeting him. He said he wanted to come, and without too many jokes or dares he booked flights. I should have taken my own advice…

Photographer: Alexandre Vanier

Looking back on our relationship (as shortlived as it was) I have a number of thoughts and feelings. We are completely different people with a few key common interests (fitness, food, and expat dating, it seems). Ultimately, we weren’t compatible romantically or with our timing. He tried to limit me to 2 tourist attractions per day on our travels. He wanted a 10 PM bedtime. I wanted to soak up everything (including the nightlife) in a new city. He followed the rules. I wanted to renegotiate them. There were so many times when I felt I couldn’t be as wild and outlandish as I wanted to be. In some respects, that’s a really good thing. Co-P pushed me to be the healthiest and strongest person physically I could be. I was well-rested, too. Ultimately, I got bored. I think he did, too.

Photographer: Inge Wallumrod

As much as I’m content with my life without him as my boyfriend, there are still moments that give me pause. I miss having him as the friend I thought he was. There are a lot of lessons that can be learned from every relationship, and expat dating is no different. Take a look and see what you can extrapolate from every interaction. Here’s what I’ve learned…

Photographer: Austin Call

Expat Dating Don’ts

Don’t have your first few dates at favourite spots in your neighbourhood. You’ll hate yourself going back to a memory you made together there every time you pass them.

Don’t invest yourself too much in the beginning…or really ever. It’s important to keep a balance and your own social life. Don’t be one of those people who gives up on your single friends when you’re coupled up.

Don’t ignore the majority of your friends saying bad things about him. Especially don’t alienate them in favour of the ones who speak kindly.

Don’t ignore his ex gfs if they reach out to you. There’s a reason they sound crazy. That reason is probably that he hurt them something fierce.

Don’t let things move too quickly. If he’s asking you to be exclusive on the third day you’ve met, maybe there’s another issue. Pump the breaks if things are heating up a little faster than anticipated. It might be exciting to jump into a new relationship, but you also might be left with the feeling that you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. He might have self-esteem issues, be self-indulgent, or just want to stir up drama. Co-P posted about his new girlfriend the day before a trip we planned together. (Super nice way to let me know you cheated, by the way…). Expat dating is tough!

Don’t get hung up on past heartaches. There’s a reason he’s not the one with you on this date! Focus on this new person who wants to spend time getting to know you!

Photographer: Christiana Rivers

Expat Dating: Break-Up Do’s

Do let yourself have a mourning period. Maybe you haven’t lost the love of your life, but you’re losing out on someone who has made an impact on it. You’ll be ready when you’re ready.

Do: It doesn’t matter if your mourning period is short. If you are ready to get back out there then do it!

Do: Say YES. If you get an interesting invitation then say yes! Surprise yourself with new hobbies and activities.

Do: Meet new people! It doesn’t matter if you want to get out on the dating scene right away or not, new people = new perspectives. Isn’t learning what we’re born to do?

Do: Widen your net. Meet people (new friends and prospects) you might not normally go for. Everyone thinks they have a “type”. If yours hasn’t been working for you, try something else! Whether you’re an expat dating or just meeting new pals, there are plenty of us in a concentrated environment. Go forth an experience new things!

Do: Look out for #1. Take care of yourself first. Don’t overextend yourself for someone who won’t go out of his or her way for you.

Photographer: Christiana Rivers

I’m not looking for the stars and the moon in another human. I’m looking for a travel companion, good conversationalist, work-out buddy, party pal, and all around life partner. I’m looking for someone who won’t deliberately hurt me (or put me at risk) because he’s started to stray. Neptune has 13 moons. Uranus has 27 (and they’re outta this world, girlfriend). Our very own galaxy is full of stars and moons. If you’re an expat in Korea like me, you’ve likely circled the globe at least once or twice. He (or she) is out there, but you’ve gotta make it through the Star Wars first.

The Eternal Expat

The Eternal Expat is one of the most likely men you’ll meet from my list of the 7 Worst Guys an Expat Can Date. Flitting from city to city and country to country “sampling the local fare”, this guy has found a good life. Probably considered to be generically attractive from a North American perspective, he’s got an even more charming personality. Somewhere down the line he was likely a varsity athlete, fraternity brother, or both. He’s got natural game and women everywhere seem to swoon. He’s never settling down in one place, and for him you’ll never been enough. He might make a grand gesture. He might make it seem like he’d have you join his nomadic lifestyle and travel the world together (#travelcouple, #instaromance, the whole nine yards). When it comes down to the actual plan, he’s a lone wolf and you’re just dead weight.

Photographer: Denis Gavrilenco

New Notches

The main goal of the Eternal Expat is to carve as many notches on his bedpost as is humanly possible. He loves to have the girlfriend experience. He loves it so much that he’s collecting as many as he can manage and in as many countries as his passport will allow. Let’s be clear: this guy does notwant a girlfriend. He wants adventure between the sheets and on the open road. He has 1 priority, and darling as lovely as you are, it’s never going to be you alone. Tucked between expensive dinners out, museum trips, and spa experiences, the eternal expat must be a master scheduler. He can juggle multiple languages and even more women. Remember “marinated cherries“? He was juggling THREE of my friends all at once and one more he brought on vacation! I wonder just how many other rolodex members he had on rotation…

Photographer: Leeroy

Red Flags

The Eternal Expat won’t ever let you see his phone because he’s sending the same messages to you and half a dozen other girls. He will make it seem like he wants to date you exclusively right off the bat. He will tell you how amazing and beautiful you are. Far too early for heartwarming discussion, he’ll tell you straight up how much he likes you. He’ll tell you exactly what he thinks you want to hear in an effort to avoid having “the talk“. Try to see through the bullshit. He probably does like you a lot. I bet you are beautiful and amazing, too. Just take it all with a grain of salt since all these lovely things roll off his tongue easily.

Photographer: Samuel Zeller

Long Gone Silver: Emotional Pirate and Booty Chaser

If you encounter someone you think might be an “eternal expat” communicate your expectations and desires immediately. Don’t let yourself get surprised or hurt down the line thinking you’re in an exclusive relationship when he’s on a completely different page. If he’s not where you are, move on. You won’t change him. Why would you want to waste your time trying? It’s unlikely he’ll wake up one morning and realize what an idiot he’s beenand what a loss you are. If he does, it won’t happen until he’s Long Gone Silver and you’ve moved the eff on. If all you want is a good time then that’s totally fine, too. Be adults and talk about the kind of relationship you want to have. He’s got plenty of experience and you’ll hopefully be more than satisfied. If you want emotional satisfaction, however, don’t walk that plank.

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Have you encountered any Eternal Expats throughout your travels? Leave me your story in the comments!

The Term:

Riding the White Horse in Korea

I read every Korean blog Google populated in the first few pages and happened upon the concept of “riding the white horse in Korea”. What this meant was that there were certain locals in Korea who preferred socializing with foreigners, but only as a novelty. In less politically correct terms, this typically referred to a Korean man wanting to have sex with an All-American-looking woman. There are many Koreans (male and female) who do not subscribe to the homogeneous ideologies of this small nation. There are many Koreans who don’t make fetishes of particular races. I have several North American friends who are dating or who are married to wonderful Korean men. This article is part of the 7 Worst Guys an Expat Can Date, and is not about those people.

Photographer: Trevor Paterson

A Horseless Carriage

In my year in Busan, I met and socialized with a ton of Koreans in our little neighbourhood of Hwamyeong. On Friday nights we played guitar, a friend from a more central location brought a cajon, and we sang outside the local convenience store while eating instant ramyeon and drinking soju and/or beer. There was never a time I felt like I was singled out as a caucasian North-American. We were friends who enjoyed playing music together. On the other hand, there were plenty of caucasian males who would mess around with anyone they could, but would exclusively date Korean women. This is the North-American equivalent/opposite of what we’ll call “the local” from this point on. Seoul was a different dating story…

Photographer: Alexandre Chambon

The Local

“The local” is chasing the white horse in Korea. He just wants to screw date someone foreign he can show off to his friends. As a caucasian woman with blue eyes and blonde hair I’ve found that, more often than not, this type of local’s intentions are pretty transparent. I don’t believe a significant other should be a status symbol.

Photographer: Alexandre Chambon

Where (not) to meet The Local

Korean men frequently try to pick up at events called “language exchanges”. This goes both ways, but I often hear about foreign women who want to improve their Korean skills and are instead propositioned. Most people who have been here longer than a couple of months will scoff, roll their eyes, and dive into their own personal anecdote about a language exchange situation gone wrong. They often involve the suggestion they “practice” Korean and English in a DVD Bang (a room with a tv, dvd player, couch, and a box o’ tissues), a love motel, or her apartment (as many Koreans in their 20’s still live with parents). This is definitely a consideration when thinking about why many foreigners give up on learning Hangeul. Language exchanges are great places to meet women who are new to Korea. Guys chasing the white horse in Korea tend to lurk here.

Photographer: Poodar Chu

Western Status Symbol

You shouldn’t date someone or even befriend someone because you think she’ll impress your friends (or teach them English). My old school asked me to help a young CEO of a Private Equity firm. I think he wanted to introduce his employees to someone who looked different to the women with whom they would typically interact. Meeting these men who couldn’t look me in the eye for the first two meetings was insightful. I wasn’t introduced for my teaching abilities, but for the way that I looked. Fortunately, these guys realized that I could discuss the Financial Times and other such publications. Within a few meetings I was taken more seriously and some of my suggestions for their business were put into place. I stopped wearing makeup or particularly fashionable attire. I definitely don’t think I was brought in as a white horse in Korea, but it was pretty close.

Photographer: Can Anh Khai

Dating Korean Men

I can’t speak from firsthand experience as I haven’t dated a Korean man while living here. I’ve been asked out on dates, but the way the question was posed didn’t really feel like it was a date. Dating conventions tend to be quite different from back home, and I just haven’t had the time for the runaround. I find Korean men to be quite beautiful. They often dress very well and have their own style. The #1 sales of cosmetics for men come out of Korea. While I enjoy getting dolled up, I don’t spend too much time on it. If my man takes longer to get ready than I do I’ll get antsy and peace out. Men in Korea tend to be more in touch with what we call their “feminine side”. I think I’m a bit aggressive and outspoken for them (and the aforementioned North-American counterparts).

Photographer: Annie Spratt

A friend of mine went on one date with a local Korean guy. After that one date they were exclusive (from his perspective). She went along with it even though she was still dating other men. This is why communication is important. He would bring her around his friends and show her off, but there was no way he was introducing her to any family members, including his cousin who was his best friend. He wanted to meet more of her caucasian (only) friends. This “white horse in Korea” is a woman with some serious sexual prowess. No matter how she tried to entice him, he couldn’t keep up. Their relationship ended when she popped into the shower with him to spice things up. Things didn’t perk up – she never saw an erection from him again. Guess the white horse in Korea isn’t for everyone.

Letters from the Ex-Boyfriend: An Expat’s Guide to Man’s 6th Sense

Getting “that message” from an ex both incredibly gratifying and infuriating. It seems like it’s the new vogue to write an apology letter to your ex-girlfriend. It’s like it just sits there waiting and waiting for the exact moment she’s over you. The moment she’s moved on and might just finally be happy, he clicks ‘send’. Is this man’s 6th sense? Has Google created a new alert? Am I the last to know that they’ve created the latest algorithm in social media f*ckery?

Photographer: Adam Birkett

He Hurt You

In this letter, he finally takes responsibility for all the things he did wrong. All the times he lied (and the corresponding gaslighting), all the times he perpetuated gender stereotypes, all the times he just wouldn’t listen. How did he come to the realization that this was the perfect moment to bare it all? Why is right now the perfect time for him to come to his senses? How does man’s 6th sense determine the right time to connect?

Photographer: Wilfred Iven

Creep…Creep…Creepin’

I have no doubt that a recent post encouraging communication between partners is the most recent source for “the apology letter”. What about the other times, though? My rebound after H got his friend to message me on Facebook to see if I was going to Busan for an event. This friend owns a travel company and it was pretty clear that there was no way in hell I was getting on the bus for this sold out trip. How do these people know that you’re off the market? Most of these messages come from men with whom I’m no longer even connected through social media. Even if they are able to look on Facebook or instagram, the messages are sent before there’s any sort of public trail of the relationship. It’s like how dogs can sniff out fear. These douche-canoes can sniff out happiness and want to stifle that shit immediately.

Photographer: Brigitte Tohm

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

I went out with a military man who was just dying to make the blog. He was, indeed, a Tinder failstory. He lied to me about his location for no reason with the full knowledge that Tinder shows you the distance between you both. We lived pretty close to one another already. When he said he was out in the bush running drills, he was actually cursing the high cost of a side of guac at Lotte World Mall. I wouldn’t have cared if he was too busy to hang, but don’t tell me you’re being eaten alive by mosquitoes out in the peninsula. The night before H came to Korea, I got a lengthy message from MM apologising for it all. He even told me he had gone deaf in one ear and had nearly lost his job. We had only been out maybe 3 or 4 times. He owed me nothing. Some cosmic force in the universe (or man’s 6th sense) must have whispered that Cartier might be happy so it was the perfect moment to insert his thinly-veiled attempt at roping me back in.

Photographer: Matthew Wheeler

Hieroglyphics

What does it all mean? Well, man’s 6th sense seems to hit him like a pile of bricks once he realizes there’s a chance you won’t agree to another shot. It’s not that he wants you back, he wants you to want him back. Toxic relationships are less partnership, more power struggle. He wants to have the upper hand back and he can feel that it’s gone. The best part? By this point you really should no longer care.

Photographer: Chelsea Francis

Get Creative

Gentleman, what you must realise is that your messages contain several of the same phrases. When you all write the same thing, it doesn’t sound genuine. Here are some of the canned phrases in each message I’ve received:

“I just want you to be happy.”

“You’re an incredible woman.”

“You deserve the best in life.”

“Even if we don’t get back together, I hope we can at least be friends down the road.”

Photographer: Corinne Kutz

It is well.

It’s lovely for you to admit that you were wrong. It’s validating to have all those worries and frustrations confirmed as your own f*ck ups. I’m glad you’ve managed to clear your conscience. Next time, don’t bother drudging up the past. The notion that I’ll ever see a travel romance again is ridiculous. We didn’t work out. I’ve released your ghost. It is well.