"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect."

Midnight Thoughts

Tonight I was turning down my bed and I realized, I miss sleeping next to someone. Really sleeping. I guess I just miss having someone. Maybe it’s just having someone to talk to on the phone every night, or text throughout the day. I just kind of miss feeling special.

It’s going to be three years since I’ve dated and I am still so amazed how much the Lord has taught me. There was a point in time where I actually felt perfectly fine with it just being Jesus and me. I was fine with not dating and not being invested in anyone other than Jesus. But right now, as I’m lying in my cold and lonely bed, I feel empty.

Everyone has always told me I am the most beautiful woman they have ever known. Sometimes I believe it, but the keyword being sometimes. I know that I have such a big heart and I feel like I am at a place where I can share it with someone who will appreciate me. I feel so deeply and it scares me. I guard my heart constantly. My biggest fear is falling into old dating patterns. But like I said, I trust the Lord. I know that IF I meet someone, we will glorify the Lord with all that we do, together.

I trust the Lord will bring me someone who is amazing. I know it in my heart. But, sometimes I just feel like I am tired of waiting. I feel like the longer I wait and not put myself out there; the more finding “the one” becomes more non-existent. It can being super discouraging to even feel like no one in their right mind would ever be interested in someone like me, ever. Since I feel that way, then it makes me not even want to show interest in any men. It is a big snowball effect. The snowball of loneliness keeps getting bigger and bigger.

It is weird though, because I don’t feel this all the time. I only feel it sometimes. Most of the time I just don’t care. But when I do think about being lonely, it feels like a bomb has been dropped and my whole world is crumbling around me. I give off the perception that I enjoy being young and free, but in reality I am hurting.

Hurting because I hate myself. Hurting because I compare myself to other women. Hurting because I work out and never see results. Hurting because I hate feeling unloved. Hurting because every guy I show interest in always shoots my hopes down. Hurting because I am angry with myself for past decisions. Hurting because it all seems overwhelming. Hurting because I never hear Jesus speak to me. Hurting because all I want to do is glorify the Lord and I always mess up. Hurting because I can’t fix it. Hurting because I miss the days where I was good at something. Hurting because I don’t know the future. Hurting because I don’t feel loved by the people around me. Hurting because I want to be rescued.

All I can think about it how dumb I feel because I know God is always here and I should never feel lonely. He works through my life in all the aspects. I know all of this. I am fully aware that He has something planned for me that will blow my mind. I know. But my question is, why do I still feel this pain of feeling lonely? Is it normal to be fully aware of the Lord but still feel doubt? I don’t know. All I know is I want to feel loved and wanted. I know Jesus desires a relationship with me, but why doesn’t anyone else? Are my standards for men too high? Is there something I am doing wrong? What can I do to change all of this hurting?