Optional

I’m not sure what part of “You’re under arrest” you thought was optional. I guess we could have broken it down to “You are,” but that just adds another syllable. Another syllable means more work for your brain, and it’s (it is) already doing overtime. I’ll make it simple for you.

Get out of the car.

Again, not optional. I suggest you put it in park first because that black thing we just put in front of your tires isn’t a speed bump. Did you know engineers specifically designed car windows to roll up slow enough to get body parts out of the way before getting smashed? What that means to me is I can get my arm in fast enough to pry your hand off the controls, unlock the door, and allow my buddies access to the inside of your vehicle. Hey look, you’re not in the car anymore, and we put it in park for you.

So, this next part is also going to happen whether you want it to or not. The difference is, you’re not going to get as many chances to comply, and it’s going to happen a lot faster.

Get on the ground.

Now, I know I yelled it, and I said it kind of fast, but there’s no way you thought I said, “Twist and turn and try to yank your arm away from me while saying bad words.” That’s nothing my bony little knee to your inner thigh can’t fix though. Yep, I missed your inner thigh. I guess you shouldn’t have been twisting. But good job getting on the ground so fast.

Your night is far from over, so I’ll give you a little advice. Do what you’re told, and answer the questions you’re asked, and it can go smoothly from here on. Well that wasn’t a very nice thing to say. You’ve never even met my dog. I have a couple of options right now, and I’m going to choose to walk away. Hugs are optional.