Dude, Space has Totally Jumped the Shark

Hey kids, I’m not sure if you know this, but apparently there’s this theory that people our age are cynical and apathetic. According to CNN, NASA just grepped this. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but apparently we’re all pretty disillusioned with the whole slipping-the-surly-bonds-of-earth thing.

So without further ado, here’s a brief list of suggestions I have compiled to make NASA hip for the MTV generation:

1.) Stop crashing shit. It’s a bummer. It causes us to write bad poetry about the metaphor of it all. This makes us more depressed and we will eventually end up cutting ourselves.

2.) Two words: Launch Party. Two more words: Open Bar. Two more: Spring Break. Launch delay? Who cares! I’m drunk and a wet t-shirt contest can continue in the rain unabated. It may, perhaps, be even better because the moistness index can approach a constant. No longer will we be subject to the tyrannical dousing of the one who holds the hose. People can live! And if, per chance, a launch happens, well, I bet it’s totally awesome watching it while tripping on the blotter acid I bought from the dude in the lab-coat and the button that said “Why yes, I am a rocket scientist.”

3.) Put a porn star in space.

4.) Put two porn stars in space.

5.) Film porn… in space! No seriously, I would watch that in a heartbeat. Think of the physics involved. I already have a name: 2001: A Space Orgy. Of course, that would require:

6.) Three porn stars in space. And:

7.) Four porn stars in space.

8.) Real World: Sea of Tranquility.

9.) A Pink Floyd: Laser Light Show, but get this, stage it on the dark side of the moon!. Now there’s a metaphor I can sink my teeth into. Of course, we wouldn’t be able to see it, but the martians would freak the fuck out.
Zorg: Dude.
Zerg: I know.
Zorg: Dude.
Zerg: I think my brains just melted into my tentacle.

Now, if you actually want to make it appealing to the sarcastic people that would typically come up with a sardonic list of things that NASA could do to make itself sexy, then here’s a few ideas:

1.) Contextualize discovery. Show how what you’re doing is new and important. It’s pretty depressing when your parents landed on the moon and all we’ve managed to do is put stuff in a low earth orbit for the past twenty years. Right now the space shuttle is the glorified equivalent of a space truck. Nothing new, I know, but to most people my age thats all we know of space. We’re hyper aware of the decline of things and right now NASA feels like a denouement. I was only partially sarcastic when I said to stop crashing into shit. If you are going to crash into something, make the cause noble instead of an errand.

2.) Be more open. You have some of the most intelligent people in the world working for you. Where are the blog posts? Where is the veneration of knowledge? Openness might not get many people interested, but it will be the right people. Get us while we’re young and we’ll be more inclined to advocate your cause later. Let us see debates from within the community. Make us a part of the dialog of the space program. The decisions you are making today will come to fruition as we’re taking over. Let us in on that process early. Give us a sense of shared purpose and ownership. The people you get will be the mavens.

3.) Make humans the martians, and frame it exactly that way. Give us a metaphor. Is it kinda schmaltzy and idealistic? Sure. But we don’t have much to feel schmaltzy and idealistic about. There’s a vacum, here. We want something to capture our imaginations. The most interested I’ve been in the space program in the past ten years has been the mars rovers. The problem was that all NASA really gave us were pictures. Sure, the pictures were stunningly beautiful, but just once I longed for a scientist to breakdown and scream: “We’re on fucking Mars, man. How fucking bad-ass is that?”
Look at this photo for a second:
Seems fairly unremarkable, right?

But think about this: In order to take this picture, we had to be behind Saturn. We had a man-made object on the other side of Saturn twenty years ago. That image is awe inspiring if you realize what it signifies– if you understand that it isn’t just a picture, but a statement. There are little bits of us floating out in planned trajectories, snapping photos and all we see now are those images without context and without a good story. Explain to us what it means to see Saturn’s rings swallowed by its own shadow. And then say that one day we’ll have people there to see it first-hand. That’s how to get the MTV crowd interested.