5. "Give it up, Raheem. Condi takes her men like she takes her coffee... hot, black, and extra large."

6. "You win this time, sis, but when mom's not looking, you are so honor raped."

7. "Tear down this fence, you Zionist oppressors!! You cannot keep us in captivity forever!! One day, we will rise up!! And the streets of this city will run red with...Oh, there's a gate. Never mind."

8. "Mommy, Akeem wants us all to call him 'Loretta.' Do we have to?"

9. "Sorry kids, but if you want to watch the Michael Jackson trial, you have to stay in the protective cage. It's really for the best."

10. Nothing could be worse than this strict Islamic upbringing, thought Ramel. I'm going to stand here, look cute, and the first stranger who offers me candy to get in his car, I am so-o-o-o-o-o out of here.

One of the protesters instigated a heated discussion after declaring that both sides were equally to blame in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Before long he was sputtering about Israel's illegitimacy, and his true face of hatred was exposed.

LGF Reader Zombie. took these pictures in San Francisco, as Pro-Palestinian Activists protested the display of a bus carcass destroyed by a suicide terror-bomber.

Radio talk show host Jeff Katz (seen here on the left, interviewing a San Francisco Voice for Israel spokesman) broadcast live from the Bus 19 Anti-Terrorism Rally in San Francisco, on January 17, 2005.

1. "And we have yet another request from Senator Barbara Boxer for 'MacArthur Park'... uh, Senator Boxer, number 1, only complete idiots like that song, and number 2. this is a talk station."

2. "... and our call-in topic for today, nymphomaniacs with a thing for goatees. If you are a nymphomaniac with a goatee fetish... call 1-866-55-TALK...or better yet, why not come down to the station... "

3. "... and we're going to keep playing 'You Light Up My Life' over and over until chaos rules throughout the city."

5. "We were hoping to interview Senator Kennedy during this segment, but he fell off the chair five minutes ago and is currently passed out under our control console."

6. "... and then Dr. Ruth said to me, 'You do vat? Zat's sick!!... the next day, Howard Stern gave me my first job in radio."

7. "We play 'I Got You Babe' every day at 6:00 a.m. just to freak out Bill Murray."

8. "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

9. "... a third homeless drunk has just passed out in front of our booth, so now we have an official new record for largest 'Air America' audience."

10. "... and our next contestant on 'Blackmail Radio' is a prominent politician, a member of the California Congressional Delegation, and tell the audience what he have on this man... or woman." "Well, Bob, it's video, it involves Girl Scouts, two Labrador retrievers, and a pumpkin,... we'll start the bidding at $300,000."

9. "... and then I plunged this finger into Barney's chest, pulled out his still beating heart, and showed it to him before he died."

10. "This is a glorious day in my country's history, and a powerful statement on the transfomational power of freedom, hard-fought and hard-won, against all odds establishing a nascent democracy in the harsh desert sands of ... Aw, Hell, he's just going to type 'pull my finger' under this picture anyway."

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

1. This person is A.) Starting Day 3 of a 5-day crystal meth and furniture polish bender B.) Trying to hold in a ginormous fart C.) Trying to convince a gullible nation she's not a left-wing feminazi android. Answer: D) All of the above.

2. "Excuse me, Congresswoman, but you'll have to move your mike. The wind whistling through your ears is causing too much feedback."

3. "Yes, I am capable of dislocating my jaw so that I can engulf prey in my enormous jowls... next question?"

4. "George Bush is an idiot who has masterminded the domination of the world! He's like Rain Man, except he's good at world domination instead of math. Or like that piano guy in Shine. You know, Shiney McShine?"

5. "Oh, no... she's been distracted by something shiny again."

6. "Thanks to civil rights pioneers like Rosa Parks, I can ride in the FRONT of the short bus."

7. "All right, who thought it would be funny to play 'Baby Got Back' when I came up to the microphone. I'll freakin' kill you."

8. The camerman chuckled. "From this angle, it looks like she's talking into a couple of robot penises."

9. "Before I begin, are there any J-E-W-S's here?"

10. "Unh unh. You ain't stayin' at my place. You get your own Dee-luxe apartment in the sky."

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Here we see a moonbat at the inauguration whose either throwing the requisite democrat temper tantrum or, as one commenter suggesting, acting out the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally really, really badly.

7. Who knew Cheney could toss a protester 300 feet off a dais... nice catch by the way.

8. Why is Barbara Boxer such a moonbat? For starters, this chick is her therapist.

9. Ted Rall's body odor often has this effect on women.

10. Finally snapping as the reality of his defeat sinks in, Senator Edwards shows up at the inauguration dressed as Aunt Bea from Mayberry, with a tube of airplane glue hanging from his nose, and is led off after succumbing to an attack of "the vapors."

Thursday, January 20, 2005

On Inauguration Day, I thought it might be a good time to check back in with those spoiled brat, pharmaceutically-leveled, navel-gazing cry-babies at Sorry-Everybody-dot-com, who will spend today joining infantile protests or sobbing into their lattes.

1. Penn despaired. Teller was dead, and all the street magic in the world would not bring him back or dispose of all the forensic evidence.

2. What should you do now? Let me suggest, 1.) Take a shower, 2.) Get a job, 3.) Move out of your parents' basement...

3. Rodin's The Whiner

4. Don't despair. Just because Jerry Seinfeld dumped you doesn't mean there aren't lots of guys out there who'd love to meet a butch chick with ginormous man-hands

5. What should you do now? Okay, first of all, "Super-Size" is a privilege, not a right. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

6. Dude! Your pants are still up... and that's not the sh*tter!

7. What should you do? Buck up, go downtown, and open up "The Android's Dungeon" same as any other day, Comic Book Guy.

8. A leftie's worst nightmare... the clock radio goes off, "I Got You Babe" starts playing, and January 20, 2005 starts over, and over, and over again...

9. She's gone, yeah, and she's never coming back... but ask yourself, is a woman who refuses to be married in a traditional Klingon ceremony really the right woman for you?

10. What should you do now? Um, maybe wash the blood out of the shower before the cops notice your twink "roommate" is missing?

Male pilgrims don the white, seamless Ihram robes for the duration of the rituals. - BBC

1. "Togas were a great idea! Next year, let's do the hajj dressed as Aunt Bea from Mayberry

2. "Damn, G, how many toads did we lick last night?"

3. One night, the Rat Pack got blitzed on a furniture polish. The next day, Frank, Dino, and Sammy woke up in crazy kookoo Mecca.

4. "I'm wasted, my groin is raw, and I haven't seen my pants in four days. Donald Trump's bachelor party is the bomb!"

5. The Islamic version of Animal House ends with Otter, Boon, and Flounder being beheaded by Dean Wormer.

6. "Okay, okay... here's our story. We were kidnapped, stripped, and anally probed by aliens. We were not rolled and robbed of our clothing by pre-op trans-sexual hookers. The wives must never know!"

7. "Rasheed, I have never seen you so excited. These 'Village People' must really be something."

8. How embarrassing. We all wore the same thing. Two of you will have to be beheaded.

9. "Girlfriend, don't let that nappy-ass queen get you down. When you take that stage, and we break into "Stop! In the name of Love," you will be Miss Diana Ross!"

10. "The hajj is like the Muslim version of Mardi Gras... except there's no beads, no parades, no colorful costumes, no merriment, no music, no alcohol, no women flashing their tits at you... God, our religion sucks!"

Monday, January 17, 2005

Dotty Lynch, CBS News’ Senior Political Editor, Democrat Operative, self-described "ardent feminist" (I think we all know what that means) apparently played a role in getting the Forged Bush TANG Memos on the air.

1. House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) takes a walk on the wild side.

2. The CSPAN host then asked, "And just how many skin grafts did your face receive after that pick-up you rigged for Dateline NBC detonated prematurely?"

3. "As an atheist, I believe that upon death our intellect is extinguished, our existence becomes void and meaningless, and our physical form becomes repugnant... so, for me, not much of a transition."

4. "Here is the list of my additional demands. I want the lower case 't' stricken from the alphabet and replaced with something less cross-like. The ACLU is with me on this."

5. It all goes back to that horrible day in 1974 when Elton John rejected his lyrics and called him a "no-talent wanker." From that day on, God was dead to him.

6. According to this survey, there's still 3 per cent of Americans who think that British guy on American Idol is a bigger asshole than me. Well, suing to change the name of every city in California with "San" in the name should change that.

7. "Oh this? It's the bill from the ACME company for all that crap I bought trying to catch that stupid evangelical roadrunner."

8. The manifesto that Newdow claimed "proved the non-existence of a Supreme Being" was found merely to consist of 666 pages of the word "God Sucks" repeated in different shades of crayon.

9. "Some idiot monks just handed me this list they claim are the nine billion names of God. What a stupid waste of... hey, weren't there stars out a few minutes ago?"

Rock vocalist/guitarist Wendy Case pauses with a couple of Kid Rock fanatics all dressed up for the shooting of a live music video for Kid Rock's song "Forever." - Detroit News

1. "We're here to protest the Bush Inauguration." "No kidding."

2. In Alternate Universe 4536, President Kucinich's nominees for Health and Human Services, Huggy Bear, and Department of Homeland Security, Guy-Who-Thinks-He's-Tom-Petty-in-the-"Don't Come Around Here No More"-video report for their confirmation hearings.

3. Mack Daddy explained his pricing policy. "The bootylicious ho on my left is $300 and hour, the used up-skank next to her is $30, and the twink in back will pay you $50 to stomp on his head."

4. Prince Harry thanked the models for their suggestions, but then decided to pick his own costume. The rest is history.

5. Detroit Police today announced they arrested two suspects in the mugging of George Clinton and Elton John.

6. Beware the side effects of bootleg Mexican V.I.@.G.R.@.

7. P. Diddy did make good on his "Vote or Die" threat, but fortunately his death squads were easy to spot.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

1. "Gee, Dan, I don't know what happened with those memos. I pay that same guy to do my taxes."

2. "The worst part was when Diane Sawyer handed me a bunch of pills and said, 'Here Dan, take these, they're cyanide.' Anyway, I took them, and they turned out to be Tic-Tacs. And she just laughed and said, 'Oops, sorry Dan, guess I should have authenticated those pills better.' Long story short, Willie, will you kill Diane Sawyer for me?"

3. "Thanks for the offer Willie. A bikini wax would make me feel much better. I'll get the pinking shears from the limo."

4. "So, the plan is, I travel back in time and plant these memos. Bush is smeared, and Dennis Kucinich becomes President. Are you sure this will work?" "Don't worry, Willie, I've thought of everything."

7. "In the last two hours, I've sold him 900 acres of swampland in Arizona, got him to sign up for an extended warranty, and converted him to Scientology," Willie thought. "This guy will fall for anything!"

8. "Does red wine or white go better with 'Moon Over My Hammy?'"

9. "O.K., I'll get the check, but you better put out!"

10. "What? You mean I can't get anything I want at Alice's Restaurant?"

7. Later on, Michael Moore would wow Jenna Jamison and Tracy Lords with his ability to deep throat the award like a 20 lb. ham and tie Slim Jims into knots with his tongue.

8. Displaying the class and subtlety for which he was renowned, Michael Moore ended his acceptance speech with, "By the way, don't use the john for a while, as soon as I get done here I'm going to stink it up real good by pinching off some enormous turds."

9. Michael Moore's triumph turned to disappointment and later despair when he found out the award was made of metal and not, in fact, milk chocolate surrounding a gooey nougat center.

10. Yes, Michael Moore is a genius, if the definition of genius has been changed to "a fat dullard or wobblebottom; a pompous ass with sweatly dewflaps". - Blackadder Reference.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Former American President Jimmy Carter, right, and former Republican Governor of New Jersey Christine Todd Whitman pay their respects at the grave of late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, Saturday Jan. 8, 2005.

1. "He was a rough man, but there were times when his caresses could be ever-so-tender..." "We know, Jimmy, we know."

2. "Yo! Beer man! Over here!"

3. Carter fondly recalled, "After I lost the election in 1980, Arafat offered to blow-up a busload of Republican children. He was always thoughtful that way, always thinking of others."

4. And none of them ever found out, "Rosebud" was his favorite pair of nipple clamps.

5. The men were saddened, but Christine was still puzzled by the word "Eskimo" underlined in Arafat's copy of Moby Dick.

6. Carter fumed. "Daisies! He hated Daisies! Where are the Merigolds! Oh, someone is going to get such a bitch-slap."

7. "He was actually something of a health nut," Carter would tell them later. "I remember looking in his medicine cabinet. It was full of vitamins A, Z, and T."

9. No amount of flowers could cover the stench of Arafat's rotting feet, coupled with the leftover funk of Michael Moore that Carter never got out of his jacket, and tripled by Carter's own uncontrollable uncontinence.

Friday, January 07, 2005

A suspected insurgent asks residents for mercy after they caught him planting explosives under civilian vehicles, at a busy area in Baghdad, January 3, 2005. (Reuters, natch. Who else considers a man planting explosives only a "suspected" insurgent.)

1. "You don't understand. My wives found a fifty gallon drum of lubricant in my closet, and now I must pretend to change the oil daily."

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Cupid Stunt Barbara "Batty" Boxer (D - Pacifica) today threw a childish temper tantrum on the floor of the senate in a vain, futile effort to overturn the 2004 election. (She did, however, succeed in undermining democracy just a little bit.)

1. "Damn, two more children just escaped from my gingerbread house."

2. Rates of adolescent homosexuality jumped 38% among boys when Barbara Boxer's picture graced the cover of the Teenager's Guide to Knockin' Boots Sex-Ed Manual put out by the California Department of Education.

3. Susan Sarandon stared over the lifeless body of Tim Robbins. "The bidet is not a drinking fountain," she said for the last time.

4. In other news, the Bulimia Council released its 2005 calendar today.

5. In other news, the Sierra Club declared Senator Barbara Boxer an "Enemy of the Wilderness" when it was confirmed that she did, in fact, hit every branch on the way down.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Scary: An allegedly serious presidential candidate playing with puppets. Scarier: 400,000 people actually voted for this doofus.

1. Ralph Nader: The presidential candidate most likely to be asked, "Can I buy pot from you?"

2. "... and so, after being with AmWay for as little as six months, you could be making upwards of $200,000 a week..."

3. "Okay, now turn the camera off and bring out the Adrienne Barbeau puppet."

4. "Yes, little puppet man, I will obey the voices. I will kill them all."

5. Crappy CGI and an overtly left-wing message were but two of the reasons Toy Story 3 was doomed to fail.

6. "Would you like some tea, Senator Prissypants 'Why thank you Ralph, you are generous and cool.' Why thank you Senator Prissypants. What do you think President Clydefrog. 'I think you're a fat piece of crap.' (pause) Hey!"

7. This is worse than the time he lost the Betty Crocker Cook-Off and played with his E-Z-Bake oven for six straight weeks.

8. Inside the Actors Studio with Alec Baldwin and Spotswoode from Team America: World Police.

9. "No one wants to shake hands with me since I gave up toilet paper in support of third world hygiene methods."

10. Nader had been afraid of puppets ever since that bad acid trip when Tim Leary and Abbie Hoffman stuck their hands inside some Cornish Game Hens and made them dance the "Can-Can."

Looks like the Bush-Clinton partnership is fully cemented right now. Did I not say Clinton backstabbed Kerry during the campaign? I'm betting the Demoncats are going absolutely ballistic. - Andy Koom's weblog

1. "He did it! He pulled my finger! I can't believe he fell for it."

2. "Willy, if you break into 'Ebony and Ivory' again, so help me, I'll cut your nads off."

3. "I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head."

4. Unfortunately, all the money Bill raised for Tsunami victims went to cover his three-month tab at a Bangkok brothel.

5. "Damn it, Bill, get in the car. I don't want to hear another word about your chest pains. Bitch, bitch, bitch..."

6. Gallant breezes through the checkpoint sobriety test, Goofus is busted after missing his nose completely.

5. Strange Factoid: The Highlights of the Kerry Campaign video synchs up with Dark Side of the Moon. This scene comes along about the time Floyd sings "The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say."

6. "And in the end.... the love you take is equal to the love you make...which explains exactly how I got f***ed over by those g*****m swiftvets."

7. Moments before the former candidate met his sad end ... whacked by a chair thrown by an out-of-contol teenage transvestite on Springer. His last words. "I don't fall down. The bitch threw a chair at me."

8. And so it ends... Not with a bang, but with a wanker...

9. Losing the election kind of sucked, but four years of getting daily wedgies from Hillary, accompanied by her trademark back-of-the-head bitch-slap and her constantly belching 'Loser' whenever he entered the Senate chamber eventually drove Kerry down the path of alcoholism and despondency.

Brad Gee, 13, of Long Lake dips a waxy worm into a hole in the ice near the public access at Long Lake. He said he wasn't sure if he'd get a "keeper" or not. Sentinel-Standard/Steve DeGrush.Ionia (MI) Sentinel-Standard

1. "We warned you not to mess with the Maretto family, Miss Stone."

2. "... and when the invasion fleet from Remulac arrives, the bluntskulls will pay dearly for their insolence."

3. "'Dips a waxy worm into a hole?' Who writes this crap?"

4. "We must have the Precious-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s..."

5. "Okay, dad, I'll call the EMT's, but you have to promise never to whistle the Andy Griffith theme music again."

7. "Hm, maybe it was too soon after the stroke to take Grandma swimming. Oh, well."

8. "Why would I rather spend hours in sub-zero weather impaling worms on metal hooks in order to catch parasite-laden fish from an EPA Superfund site? Hey, If the alternative were watching an American Idol marathon with your family, which would you choose?"

9. "Damn lousy Germans scared all the fish away."

10. "No, dad, of course I wouldn't rather be snowmobiling with Jason and Tyler. Spending this quality time with you is so-o-o-o-o much more important."

Disclaimer

All copyrighted images appearing on this site are used in compliance with the Fair Use provisions of United States copyright law covering non-commercial use of copyrighted images. Image use is also protected under the Fair Use exemption for editorial, satirical, and parody work as determined by the United States Supreme Court in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. (1994) All captions are fictional, and do not reflect the activities, lifetyle, attitude, or statements of any person depicted in the image. Except Andrew Sullivan.