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05 October 2015

The wait is over

So this morning I was going to write a post about us waiting, that had been swimming around in my head for days now. I sat down with the computer open ready to begin describing how these last few weeks have felt, how we've been trying to carry on like normal whilst we wait for the further results of the amniocentetis when my phone rang. It was the hospital. My heart pounded as it did last Tuesday when we received the results from the initial testing and heard with the greatest relief that all was clear for any extra chromosome abnormalities. I confirmed my date of birth and waited to hear, listening for any sign of emotion either way in the midwifes voice. She sounded level, and eager to tell us that they'd just had the results sent in and was happy to tell us that they too were also clear. No sign of any further chromosome conditions. I think I made a noise resembling some sort of huge full body sigh of relief and the feeling of adrenaline and the weight being lifted was indescribable. The best possible news we could have ever hoped for. One more piece of good news. One more victory.

I don't think its fully sunk in. A good couple of weeks of waiting, of not knowing, of trying to imagine our future with the possibilities of making dreadful decisions, or imagining our lives being changed in ways unimaginable. But now we know. We know the baby still has a heart condition and talipes, but with all the hope still remaining the future looks ok. The heart and feet are fixable. The road ahead certainly isn't going to be easy, but at least for now we know what we are dealing with. We can start to plan and look forward once more.

I don't know how to even describe the last few weeks. I have definitely gone through a mourning phase for the normal pregnancy we have lost, and the idea of the 'perfect' baby. I've been through a range of emotions; feeling heartbroken, angry, jealous and just not understanding why it happened to us. And also numb. I definitely felt numb for a lot of it. I've seen so many pregnant women, or people with newborns and thought how easy it is for it all to be normal (admittedly I don't know what they are going through or have been through) how that was us just a few short weeks ago. How quickly it can all change, how the life you were imagining can be pulled out from under you and send you into an empty space of not knowing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I know that somehow we're luckier than some.

We just now have to focus on the rest of this journey, and hope (yes we still need hope!) that everything remains the same (or gets better) with the heart and the condition is still manageable. We know the baby will be poorly and will require extra care and surgery, and when we reach that point it will be hard. But it's something I know we can cope with. But for now we can relax, the future has become a little more clear and we can stop waiting.

The rest of my pregnancy will be spent going for more scans with the cardiologists and the fetal medicine units for updates and growth checks. I will have to have a plan for care and probably discuss the plan for birth in lot more detail. But that's all fine.

We also finally decided to find out the sex. Originally we wanted it to be a surprise, but I think we both feel we've had enough surprises and waiting to last us.

I will be sure to share that here, as well as the rest of our journey. But once again I just really want to thank anyone and everyone who's reached out to us during this time. I know it seems impersonal doing it this way, and even though I may not have replied to all the messages, I have read them all and really felt your support, hope and positivity. It has definitely kept me going and I know it will continue to. All the love xx