Chobblins

Chobblins are a race of beings that have sadly gone utterly extinct. Chobble no more, my lovely. While their origins are unknown, they have existed since the earliest civilizations, as representations of Chobblins in art have been discovered throughout archaeological sites around the globe. One of the rare references to them in inscriptions comes from the annals of King Ka'hha'lai'kh, from dynasty XXI in the Grand Old Times of the Isle of the Dogs. The Beast Lord's scribes recorded "Plague of Chobblins, much death." There were also some primitive photographs so we are certain that he meant Chobblins.

A Chobblin in Repose, ca. 543 BC, China

Inherent Royalty

Last Chobblin Lord before death, 1967

Chobblins were known to possess inherent royalty, being kings or queens over whatever they surveyed. They could enslave you with a lash of their long tongue, or in the case of Chinese Chobblins, with their tears. Once thus enslaved, the Chobblin climbed on you and asked you if you thought he felt heavy. It is reputed to be one of the most noble occasions in any man's life.

Dad's Hug

The Chobblin was also capable of giving you a dad's hug. Any hug by any Chobblin would have been the same as a hug by your own father, both in feeling and for tax purposes. Many people whose fathers had been deprived of arms, and who had not gone into their music room for over three weeks due to writer's block, would put down their synthesizer belts and seek out a Chobblin for a dad's hug. Because of this, during the famous 1980s (ca. 1765-1774), Chobblins earned the nickname "Little Dads to hug when you can't jam out your latest tracks".

Chancellor Conroy in full Chobblin Regalia

Adoption of Dwarfs

Due to the Fad Lord's decree of New Fad, the Chobblin hordes were required to possess or create a new fad. Indefatigably, the Chobblin sages overcame their innate fadlessness to create the greatest irony ever to occur as a direct result of one of the Fad Lord's universal laws; the Chobblin's underwent a fad in which they covetously purchased Dwarf slaves. Due to the Chobblin law requiring them to preserve one another's tears in small vials, but NOT to preserve the tears of non-Chobblins, many Chobblin households were bankrupted by the employment of numerous tear-testers who would test the tears by ingesting them to see if they were Chobblin tears or dwarf tears. Since those tears were not preserved, having been ingested, tear testers were themselves ingested by tear tester ingestors. Since a double ingestion is the reverse, by Doublington's Law, the revived tears are then sorted into their appropriate streams. In order to know where to sort the revived tears it was important that before the tear tester was ingested that his/her screams of protest were siphoned into a scream-eater. The scream eater's meter (a kind of meat the scream eater eats after he eats screams) produces a verification pellet in the form of a dark brown smelly log excreted from the anus. After the tear tester ingestor has ingested the tear tester, he ablutes and enters into a "bargain" with the truth pellet. Within weeks the bargain pays off, and for the price of a few meters of silk, the truth pellet has told him whether the scream of the tear tester possessed the chemical signature of the belief that the tears tested through ingestion were those of a Chobblin or those of a dwarf.

Then, naturally, a Clean Egg is brought out and the portrait of an owl is dedicated to all the friends and loved ones who haven't received any encouragement in the last little while. The tears are placed in their appropriate locations, those of the Chobblin in a vial, and those of a dwarf back into the eyes of the dwarf who originally shed them.

This caused considerable strife among the tear-related guilds and legions. But no one cared.