D.T.: Some how, someway, we survived all the way to this, the last and final week of the season. However, there are those of us who were not so lucky. Let us pay respects in memorial of those who did not make it to the end…

Chuck Pagano
2012 – 2016

Chip Kelly
2013 – 2015

Ken Whisenhunt
2014 – 2015

Mike Pettine
2014 – 2016

Joe Philbin
2012 – 2015

Rob Ryan
2013 – 2015

Alright, this is already exhausting, and the joke has come and gone. The list of coaches fired this year would rival the montage of dead people at the Oscars, and rightfully so: this season sucked. But it’s almost over, and we’re looking at a solid post-season. A slice of warm pumpkin pie after a meal of burnt turkey and green bean casserole. But before we get there, we gotta choke down some more bad football. HERE WE GO!

BMK: Yeah, this season wasn’t great. Like we mentioned on the podcast, there just wasn’t a middle-class of football teams this year. Most divisions had favorites that just ran away with them, and there wasn’t any real drama. Except in dumpster fire divisions like the NFC East and the AFC South. And watching those division races were like watching a Dubai skyscraper blaze next to a fireworks display: haunting, beautiful, and ultimately destructive and awful.
That said, this regular season was awful but the post-season is promising. Especially in the NFC, where you can make a good argument that any of the teams in that field could make the Superbowl. Some might need a bounce or two to go their way, but hey, that’s football.
Also, DT, it is in real poor taste to use that date format with a guy that was fighting cancer a few years back. SHAME!

———-
JETS at BILLS
D.T.: The Jets have the chance to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in five years, and to do so, they have to go through Rex Ryan (who will likely be added to the list above, as soon as we hit the off season). I say they do it, and what’s more? I say they go further in the playoffs than the dreaded Patriots!

Yep, that’s honestly about as far as I think the Pats go.

JETS
BMK: Jets are taking this one and are going to the playoffs. I hope they make a deep run.
Here’s a fun game though: watch this game and take a drink every time they call Fitzpatrick smart since he went to Harvard. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the first half.

———-
PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS
D.T.: But, before they get snubbed in the post-season, they’ll add another mark in the W column this week.
DOLPHINS
BMK: Really DT? Patriots losing on the road to the fish? It aint happening.
PATRIOTS

———-
SAINTS at FALCONS
D.T.: All of these bastards have a choice between playing for pride or a draft pick. I don’t really care, and if either of these teams cared, they’d have played better. BOOM!
Uh… Falcons.
BMK: The Falcons did their job last week and beat the Panthers, who are quickly becoming one of the NFL’s most irritating teams. This week…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Saints to be contradictory.
SAINTS

———-
LIONS at BEARS
D.T.: More pointless football between teams who should tank.
LIONS
BMK: These teams don’t care and neither do I.
BEARS

———-
EAGLES at GIANTS
D.T.: We’re really batting a thousand here, with these meaningful games… I am curious to see if the Eagles have some kind of renewed short-term enthusiasm after Kelly’s firing, much like the Titans enjoyed after Whisenhunt was canned. I think the Giants will win, but I don’t think that prevents Tom Coughlin from being fired, once and for all. And really, that’s two wins in one for the Giants.

“I was never the biggest fan of coaching baseball, anyway.”

I’ll miss the easy target that was this man.

GIANTS
BMK: I’m going to check out this game because I want to see what happens to the Eagles. Coughlin’s playing for his job, but Bradford’s playing for another huge contract. Which will win! The resistible force or the moveable object! Tune in and find out!

“That’s it DT, you’re being ejected for making obvious jokes.”

GIANTS

———-
REDSKINS at COWBOYS
D.T.: The Skins have already clinched the division, and the Cowboys are post-mortem. Who cares.
REDSKINS
BMK: Who cares? I think we all know the answer to that…

REDSKINS

———-
TITANS at COLTS
D.T.: I don’t even know who the Colts are rolling out as QB this week, and I know they’ve hired Ryan Lindley (likely to be cut at the end of the day tomorrow) as an extra body just in case said mystery quarterback goes down like the rest. I give to the Titans this week, simply because I can actually name more than two starters still active on their roster.

“…shit, the only person I can name on our roster is T.Y.”

Andrew Luck, I love you dude. You deserve better. Explore free agency – there are plenty of teams that would move money around to have you. And if you come to Arizona, you can hang with your favorite coach again, win Super Bowls, and we know you look good in red. Whadda you say?

TITANS
BMK: Ah..the Colts. People were picking them to be in the Superbowl this year and now look at them. They’re a mess. Technically they’re still alive for the Playoffs, but 13 things have to happen before they’re in. One of which is George RR Martin finishing the Winds of Winter, and we all know that isn’t happening.

“Every night I sleep in a bed filled with cocaine and Asian hookers, Krol…”

Like DT said, Luck, go to AZ. You’ll love it there.
TITANS

———-
RAVENS at BENGALS
D.T.: AJ McCarron continues to impress and nearly beat the Broncos last week, save a lucky fumble that went in Denver’s favor in overtime. The Ravens have enjoyed playing the upsetters since their elimination from the post-season, but I don’t their luck will continue on against the Bengals at home.
BENGALS
BMK: Okay, so I was wrong about AJ McCarron last week. SUE ME! I’m not wrong that 1) McCarron is a career backup, 2) Some QB desperate team will sign him (HELLO BROWNS!) and 3) Jon Snow is coming back in season 6 of Game of Thrones. You can take that shit to the bank!

“You know nothing, Bryan Krol.”

“Really? Crap, I just bought a house…”

BENGALS

———-
STEELERS at BROWNS
D.T.: Again, I have no idea who’s starting under center for the Browns this week. This sad chapter in their history of many sad chapters comes to a close with a home defeat against their bitter Pittsburgh rivals, and will herald the end of Mike Pettine’s time in Cleveland.
STEELERS
BMK: I’m writing this in a hot frenzy on Sunday morning (right now it’s 8:53 am), and reports are coming in that Manziel was in Vegas on Saturday night. Manziel, you might recall, is out this week due to a concussion. Let that sink in. Homeboy is out in Vegas, the night before a game that he cannot play in because he has a brain injury.
Someone needs to check the Brown’s owner for a brain injury.

“Where’s the craps table? I’m feeling lucky!”

STEELERS

———-
JAGUARS at TEXANS
D.T.: If the Texans beat the Jaguars, they clinch the AFC South. Yeah, I actually typed that sentence. A true example of how messed up this season has been. And I think they’ll do it. This year, we welcome both the Texans and the Redskins to the post-season. God help us all.
TEXANS
BMK: The Houston JJ Watts are going to win this game and flame out in a spectacular fashion during the post-season.
TEXANS

———-
RAIDERS at CHIEFS
D.T.: The Raiders are eliminated, and the Chiefs have already secured their spot in the playoffs. The Raiders didn’t go quietly though, and I maintain that Krol’s prediction that the Raiders could have made it to the wild card was not unfounded. We’d be looking at a very different situation in the AFC West this year, if not for some serious luck on the part of the Denver defense. Had they not enjoyed as many game-changing plays to save their drowning offense, we might have been looking at the Raiders and Chiefs heading towards playoff berths. Anyway, the Chiefs take this one.
CHIEFS
BMK: The Raiders are heading in a good direction. Will they take the next step? Who knows. But they have good pieces at QB, WR, and LB. If they get a good CB and LT they could make some noise next year in the AFC West and start winning a lot of games. The LA fans will love that, since LA only supports a winner, right M. Night?

“…and the twist is my career becomes a flaming pile of shit!”

———-
CHARGERS at BRONCOS
D.T.: The Chargers have played their last game at Qualcomm Stadium, and their final game under the San Diego banner will come as a loss to the Broncos at home. The Chargers have simply fallen apart on every level, and even the unbalanced Denver team will have no trouble picking them apart.

“Hey, out of all the teams that’ll be looking for a QB this year, which one loves Jesus the most?“

BRONCOS
BMK: Broncos are going to kill the Chargers. This is going to get ugly. An ignominious end the Chargers time in San Diego.

BRONCOS

———-
BUCCANEERS at PANTHERS
D.T.: As an unabashed Cardinals fan and sympathizer of children with terrible names, I’d love to see the Bucs knock Cam Newton down a few pegs. But that shit probably isn’t going to happen because, as Chosen Newton will soon learn, there is no justice in this world.
PANTHERS
BMK: I can’t even be snarky here. The Panthers will get the number one seed and we’ll have to deal with Newton for a few more weeks.
PANTHER

———-
SEAHAWKS at CARDINALS
D.T.: Lots of people, my partner included, think the Cardinals should take a hit and let the Seahawks slide past them. I say fuck off to that. Bring in your starters and play them to the best of their abilities. Not only because the Arizona Cardinals are still working their way out from Seattle’s shadow and a sweep would do wonders for that, but also because the Cardinals have secured a first round bye in the post-season, and they need to stay hot.

You don’t do this shit to Aaron Rodgers EIGHT TIMES, then take a break.

———-
RAMS at NINERS
D.T.: Who the fuck cares. Both of these teams are in for fuckin’ brutal off-seasons.
RAMS
BMK: Later Tomsula. You were in an impossible situation with difficult people. There was no way you’d make it another year. You were a patsy from the beginning.
Jeff Fisher, why are you still employed?

RAMS
———-
VIKINGS at PACKERS
D.T.: If you had told me that the Vikings and Packers would be tied for first and their week 17 match-up would declare the winner of the NFC North, I probably would have told you “Fuck off, good sir.” But that’s exactly what’s happening, and as such, it’s my GAME OF THE WEEK. The Pack is a mess right now, and Teddy Bridgewater is on fire — that alone would be reason enough to give the Vikings the win outright. However, Lambeau is a cold, hostile place to play, especially with pride and the division on the line. We’re in for a hell of a game, I think, and ultimately a narrow Vikings win.
VIKINGS
BMK: This is a tougher matchup to call than one would think. The Packers are pretty good at home, and this is a divisional matchup, so players will be paying attention. Normally, I’d go with the Packers for those reasons and because of Rodgers, but the Vikings are doing very well and the Packer’s offensive line is a mess. So I’m giving this the Vikings.
VIKINGS

———-
D.T.: And I think that should do it for the 2015-16 edition of 4th & Krol, at least in column form. Expect the podcast to continue on into the off-season, as we shift more towards pop culture, some off-season NFL news, and absolutely fuck all to do with baseball or basketball. I’d like to thank our reader for taking time out of each week to read our nonsense, and I hope we’ve entertained, informed and made the world a better, more marmy and sarcastic place. Cheers to you, dear reader, and may you never find a better use of your time.

BMK: With all sincerity, thanks for reading each week. If it wasn’t for you, this would be a whole lot less fun. But knowing that you’re suffering through a crappy regular NFL season with us makes this all worthwhile.

Next week, we transition to podcasts solely and we’ll be doing a post-mortem on the season plus talking about Star Wars.

The column will return next year and I’m hoping to have a permanent home for all this nonsense in the coming weeks.

Anyway, thanks again, and never change. You’re beautiful.

Unless you’re a Cowboys fan. Then you should rethink your life.

And now…your final weekly Kat Dennings….Let’s make it a good one.

“

This post was written in white hot frenzy on Sunday morning while listening to techno...

Week Sixteen: this columns late! Where it been?Okay YOU think of something better!

D.T.: Well folks, the time for sugary sprinklings over harsh realities has come and gone with the holiday. I won’t candy-coat it for you: we’ve got a LOT of games this week that simply don’t mean a thing.

“Football games are ‘sposta mean somethin’?”

It’s been a strange season, and if you weren’t a gambling man before, then becoming one halfway through the 2015 NFL season would not have been a bad place to start. We’ve had some wacky-ass games here and there, but the playoff picture has been pretty well solidified as far back as the human eye can see. We’ve got a lot of games between eliminated teams and playoff-berth teams resting starters against eliminated teams that should probably just play down for draft picks.

“So they can be used in trades for me…”

BMK: Strange indeed, DT. If by strange you mean oddly dull.

We’ll do a season wrap-up next week, but the 2015 NFL season has lacked a lot of normal drama. There is almost no middle-class in football this year, which renders a lot of the games meaningless. Or maybe I’m just getting older and it takes a lot more to excite me. Personally, I blame The Dark Knight Returns.

On to the picks!

“Don’t drag me into your bullshit, Krol…”

———-

CHARGERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: For a match-up between two teams who barely stood a chance at the beginning of the season, and faded out with little fanfare, this game turned out to be pretty wacky. The one guy I know who cares about Oakland was on the edge of his seat all night. I expected the Raiders to win, but I didn’t expect such an oddly entertaining game.

RAIDERS

BMK: Oakland is an up and coming team. They’re not ready to take the next step yet, and they may never actually take that step, but of the two teams here in the Bay Area, they’re clearly trending the right way. Now if they can send Mark Davis back to his home on the Island of Misfit toys the team can really go somewhere. Maybe Goddell can force a sale…since Mark is stinkin’ up the joint around here.

Seriously, who lets this man out of the house looking like that?

RAIDERS

———-

REDSKINS at EAGLES

D.T.: If Washington wins, they clinch the NFC East at 8-7, and the Eagles are eliminated from the playoffs. The fact that either of these teams are still in the running makes as much sense as the symmetry of Bradley Cooper’s face.

“Who the fuck is this white guy with the asymmetrical face?”

The ‘Skins will win and evil will prevail in the form of their front office.

REDSKINS

BMK: Ugh. How did it come to this? Why are the Redskins going to win this division? Why couldn’t the Giants not suck?

I heard a statistic that blew my mind. If the games were 75 seconds shorter, the Giants would be 10-4. That kind of thing makes me a sad panda.

REDSKINS

———-

NINERS at LIONS

D.T.: I won’t bore you. Both of these teams are eliminated, and the Niners desperately need draft picks.

LIONS

BMK: People up here are making bets on which team will have fewer losses, the 49ers or the Warriors. Smart money’s on the Warriors.

LIONS

———-

STEELERS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done, and the Steelers are looking to catch up to a vulnerable Bengals squad. You see where I’m going with this.

PS: I realized that AJ McCarron isn’t the QB for the Ravens this week. I got the Ravens and the Bengals confused. Oh well.

I’m keeping that up there since it’s true.

“You tell Krol that I’ve never heard of him either…AND that I have a date with Kat Dennings.”

———-

COWBOYS at BILLS

D.T.: Even fans of both teams have stopped caring.

…BILLS, I guess.

BMK: Their fans may have stopped caring, but we NEVER WILL!

Who am I kidding…

BILLS

———-

BEARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: This week is like the green bean casserole you ate on Friday: it looks like it’s substantial with some sort of value and worth, but it’s really just hollow calories and it doesn’t even taste good.

BEARS

BMK: GBC is disgusting the and people that enjoy it molest collies. It’s science.

Seriously? Look at this garbage. It looks like a bum semen in a dish covered with gonorrhea.

BEARS

———-

COLTS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: The Colts are going to roll out Hasselbeck on a stretcher, and what’s left of their running backs are going to take turns propping him up to catch snaps. Dolphins, if you really want a late-season win for pride or morale or whatever, I guess this is your chance. I’d really take a look at that draft situation in April though… choose wisely.

“The ladies like to call the cops on me in Miami, but I look good in Teal… just saying.”

DOLPHINS

BMK: For me, the best part of watching the Dolphins season was seeing how completely ineffectual Suh was this year. This is why spending money on marquee free agents is almost never a good idea.

That said, they’ll still beat the Colts.

DOLPHINS

———-

PATRIOTS at JETS

D.T.: The Pats have already secured the division and a first round week off. Jets are a stepping stone towards securing the #1 seed in the AFC.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I’d like the Jets to win. Brandon Marshall seems like a good fellow and I’d like to see him get into the playoffs. But I just don’t seem them winning this week.

PATRIOTS

———-

TEXANS at TITANS

D.T.: Good lord, the Texans haven’t been eliminated yet? Well, march on to that winning record, you pitied souls.

TEXANS

BMK: The Texans are the Toyota Tercels of the NFL. But the Titans are the Geo Metros.

Pictured: The Titans season.

TEXANS

———-

BROWNS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Looks like the Browns are going to finish the season with three wins, Mike Pettine is getting canned, and… yeah, two Browns players were arrested on Christmas fucking Morning. Someone move that accursed team to another city so they can win a Super Bowl in five years.

CHIEFS

BMK: Thank God they moved up to pick Manziel in the draft. His steady leadership at the QB position has turned the Browns around. Finally, a bright spot that Clevelanders can look to during their dark and miserable winter.

Ugh. The only people watching this game are degenerate gamblers and convicts seeking parole.

CHIEFS

———-

JAGUARS at SAINTS

D.T.: An awful twist of the knife at the end of an awful season would see a Jaguars victory over the Saints in the Superdome. With Brees possibly out due to a torn plantar fascia (is that going to become the new ACL?), it looks like that might be the case…

JAGUARS

BMK: Two titans of the south battling for dominance! No, I’m not talking about heart disease and diabetes! I’m talking about the Saints and Jaguars!

JAGUARS/DIABETES

———-

PACKERS at CARDINALS

D.T.: The Cardinals found themselves the NFC West Champions this year, after a staggering win against Philadelphia. However, in true Arizona fashion, they did so at the cost of a star defensive player. Tyrann Mathieu, in a garbage time play for an interception, tore his ACL again and will be out until next year. Whether or not his absence will be strongly felt against that on-again-off-again Packers offense remains to be seen. The Cardinals are a great home team this year though, and I expect them to keep the win streak alive on Sunday.

This beautiful motherfucker needs a nice new piece of jewelry, dammit.

CARDINALS

BMK: I’m still sick about losing the honey badger for the year. This game will be a major test for the AZ defense, as Rodgers is still a dangerous QB, and Eddie Lacey is a talented running back. I think the Cardinals take it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if GB pulls it out.

D.T.: Rams are eliminated, and in unspectacular fashion. I still expect this game to be a grudge match though, as this division is fierce and these teams really don’t like each other. There’s nothing worse in this sport than seeing someone go down with injury (besides seeing the Steelers win a Super Bowl), but I fully expect the Rams to take at least one or two ‘Hawks down with them in a brutal loss.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: All I want for Christmas is the Rams to beat the Seahawks. But I’m not going to get that.

SEAHAWKS

———-

GIANTS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Odell Beckham, Jr.’s childish antics with Josh Norman last week see him likely sitting out this week with a one-game suspension. I can’t tell if those two hate each other, or secretly want to fuck.

OBJ tried this same move on prom night, and couldn’t understand why he was asked to leave the hotel room.

That leaves Eli with little in the way of clutch play-making, and that’s bad news for a team still clinging to hope. On the flip side, the Teddy Bridgewatwer played incredibly well against the Bears last week (and that Giants secondary is soft as hell), but the Vikings are complete shit in the pressure that prime-time games bring. This one will be close, I think, but I’ll give it to the Vikings, and a sad end to the Giants season.

VIKINGS

BMK: The Giants are done, like your Aunt Millie’s marriage. Get over it. She did.

VIKINGS

———-

BENGALS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Did you guys know that the last Alabama quarterback to win an NFL game before AJ McCarron was in 1987? Jesus Christ, why would anyone want to play football there?

Oh, right…

Okay, fair enough…

Alright, now that’s a bit of a stretch.

Still, the first Alabama quarterback to win a pro game in nearly 30 years is coming up against what is still the number one defense in the league. And he’s still really green, with too much riding on this game in the way of a first-round bye. I’m torn, here. I don’t want to see the Broncos take a loss, but I don’t want to see the Steelers close the gap on the Bengals. So, I’ll let the Bengals wait until next week to clinch their division, and give the win to Denver.

BRONCOS

BMK: Why would anyone want to live in Alabama, let alone play football there? At least Georgia has Atlanta, which is a fairly cosmopolitan city. What does Alabama have? Birmingham? Eh…hard pass.

BRONCOS

———-

D.T.: Next week is it, folks. Tune in for the exciting conclusion of 4th and Krol — same Krol time, same Krol channel!

BMK: Thanks for reading! We’ll do something special to mark the end of the season next week. Or maybe we won’t! You just never know around here!

And now, your weekly dose of Kat Dennings:

This post was written and compiled listening to the Dillinger Escape Plan and my brain screaming, “HEY IDIOT, THE GAMES ARE ON IN HALF AN HOUR!”

D.T.: Three weeks left to go, and teams are dropping faster than people in Tom Coughlin’s high school yearbook.

“Actually, I’m the last surviving alum for the past 20 years.”

Each division in the AFC has dropped dead weight, with the North down to 50% of teams still in the hunt. The NFC has fared better, with tight races still taking place in multiple divisions. Unless you’re a fan of the Chargers, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Dolphins, Lions or Niners, we’re coming down to some truly important games. Let’s get into it!

BMK: After a few weeks of garbage games, we’re finally getting some meaningful games. I feel like Hawkeye in MASH, in the Adam’s Ribs episode, standing on top of the heater in the mess tent, refusing to “eat this dreck” anymore, and chanting “We want something else!” Now we’re getting something else.

One of the best episodes ever…and now I want ribs.

From the NFL at least. 4th and Krol is still giving you cheap shots, bad puns, and obscure pop culture references.

And Ms. Dennings, of course…

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever…

———-

BUCCANEERS at RAMS

D.T.: Last week, the Bucs fell victim to a desperate attempt by the Saints to stay in the running, while the Rams added insult to a very injured Lions squad, already eliminated from the playoffs. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Rams won’t make the post-season, but the Bucs still have a slight chance, being tied for second in the NFC South. I think Winston and his squad come out swinging, and put the (soon to be formerly) St. Louis Rams down for good.

BUCS
BMK: The Rams don’t get put down. The Rams put YOU down. There’s no way the Bucccanneers win this game. Not with 8-8 in the Ram’s sight!

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters…

RAMS

———-

JETS at COWBOYS

D.T.: The Cowboys are finished. There’s a three-way tie for first between losing teams in the NFC East, and the Cowboys aren’t even in the conversation anymore. The Jets, however, are still nipping at the heels of a wounded Patriots team, and a win against Dallas this week will help to try and close the gap.

Can’t wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

JETS
BMK: Watching the Cowboys without Romo is like watching a beloved character in a Joss Whedon movie. We all know he/she is going to die so we’re just waiting for the inevitable. The Cowboys are done, have been done, and now we’re just waiting for the 3rd act, so they can get killed and we can go on to the exciting conclusion.

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here…

———-

PANTHERS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Dolphins made Eli Manning look like the greatest quarterback in the league on Monday night, failing on every level to contain the QB on his monstrous march over their defense.

“First time ever being called ‘monstrous’ – alright!”

Even the layman knows that if you pressure Eli, he’s prone to mistakes. Even so, the ‘Fins only pressured twice, and let Eli have his way. But that Panthers defense… that’s going to make for a very different narrative. Expect Eli to take some heavy hits, make some magic happen with ODB, but ultimately lose at home to a Panthers team en fuego.

PANTHERS

BMK: A couple of experts that I usually trust are picking the Giants this week. Typically, I go all Gandalf on them, yelling, “Pete Prisco – STAY THIS MADNESS!” But fuck it. I’m picking the Giants this week.

SIC SEMPER TYRANIS, DT!

Eli aint even buying this pick…

GIANTS

———-

TITANS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fuck off.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I wanted to write a full break down of this game, just to troll DT a bit. But then I realized (as I often do) that DT’s approach was the correct one.

PATRIOTS

“I’ve killed THIS many Asian hookers today…”

———-

BILLS at REDSKINS

D.T.: It’s funny that the Redskins have something to play for this Sunday. I’m going to be a total dick and pick the Bills, because (and I know my partner agrees) that head office does not need any sort of validation by making the post-season. ‘Skins fans would love to see their team go into the playoffs, no doubt, but the cost of doing so would mean sticking with that same coaching staff and general manager. It’d be better for everyone to wash the season and let the firings begin.

BMK: The NFC East still has a three-way tie for first. As much as I’d love that logjam to continue till the end, someone is going to stumble away from the pack. I hope it’s not the Redskins though. As DT alluded to above, there’s no reason to encourage Dan Synder. He’s loathsome.

I’m picking the Bills. More for hope than anything else. There has to be justice in the world. There just has to be!

BILLS

———-

CHIEFS at RAVENS

The Chiefs really want a shot at the wildcard, though it may not have been evident in their sleepy game against San Diego last week. They are right in the running with the Broncos, who showed just how vulnerable they’ve become with a loss to the Raiders. They’ve got a hell of a lot more to play for than the Ravens do, and that makes them dangerous. I see the Chiefs taking a narrow win this week.

CHIEFS

BMK: The jury might still be out on whether or not Joe Flacco is elite (spoiler alert: he aint), but whatever sad sack the Ravens just signed off the street certainly isn’t elite, and without a decent QB, there is no way the Ravens will win this game. Or any other games, for that matter.

CHIEFS

———-

TEXANS at COLTS

D.T.: The second I told Krol last week that Brian Hoyer looked really good, the Texans immediately stopped scoring points and began to shit the bed. But holy fuck – against an Indy squad that gave up 51 points to the motherfucking Jaguars, Christmas is coming early for Houston as they step over their divisional rivals and walk into first place in the AFC South.

“Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!”

TEXANS
BMK: As inept as the Texans are offensively, the Colts are even worse. How, I don’t know.

TEXANS
———-

FALCONS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Falcons gonna Falcons. Shut outs in the NFL are surprisingly rare, but Atlanta made it look like an every day occurrence for Carolina, who had no problems at all keeping them out of the endzone and scoring 38 points themselves. Fuck it, I’m calling this my upset of the week, and predicting we see the Jags win two in a row and beat a truly humbled and downtrodden Atlanta.

JAGUARS

BMK: As a long-time Cardinals fan, I always root for horrible franchises to get their acts together and actually put a winning product on the field. Except for the Rams, since the Rams are in St. Louis and owned by a complete douche.

Anyway, the Jaguars had a great game last week, and odds are good this week that they’ll have another good game against a reeling Falcons squad. Which makes me happy, since Arthur Blank owns Home Depot as well as the Falcons, and Home Depot sucks butt.

This came up when I Googled “Home Depot Sucks.” I like it. It adds a bit of class.

JAGUARS

———-

BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Doesn’t really matter, does it? At this point, the Bears’ only hope is winning the next three games and tying the Vikings, but with tie-breakers and outside forces influencing teams’ ability to make the playoffs, the Bears are done. The Vikings will finish them off.

VIKINGS

BMK: This is probably the cutest match-up of the whole week. Seriously? Bears AND Vikings playing with each other? That makes my black heart grow three sizes.

The Vikings will win. Mostly because they’ll have swords.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

VIKINGS

———-

PACKERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Last week’s game between Oakland and Denver was a bit of a head-scratcher. Denver’s offensive line, which isn’t great but not terribly awful either, allowed Khalil Mack alone five sacks on Brock Osweiler. Denver’s failure at nearly every level led to small quarterback controversy, but more on that later. The Packers have also become inconsistent and hard to predict in the second half of this season, and that makes them vulnerable to a team like Oakland that has a lot of good pieces in place, but not the connective tissue just yet to make it all work. We’ve seen some impressive displays from Oakland, and some reminiscent of recent seasons gone by.

Here’s Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

This’ll be an interesting match-up, seeing how Oakland’s defense handles Aaron Rodgers, and how their own offense takes on that middling Green Bay defense. In the end, I give it to the Packers, but I think we’re in for a fun game here.

PACKERS

BMK: What you just read above, gentle reader, is the awful taste of sour grapes. I was there when DT saw his Broncos get handled by the Raiders, and it was not a fun sight.

Anyway, this may end up being the last home game for the Raiders in Oakland. For that reason, I think I’m going with Oakland this week. It feels like Green Bay is running out of gas.

RAIDERS

———-

BROWNS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Meh. I’d love to see Cleveland get a crazy, unlikely win here, even if it means a feather in Manziel’s booze and shame-drenched cap. But that shit ain’t happening.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This won’t even be close. And then we’ll have to endure another week of Hot Takers extoling Russell Wilson’s virtues at QB, ignoring the fact that he’s been playing shitty teams with shitty secondaries.

SEAHAWKS

———-

BENGALS at NINERS

D.T.: Poor Cincinnati… coming into the first half of the season undefeated, looking like real contenders up to this point, and Andy Dalton busts the thumb on his throwing hand. Now he won’t even get a chance to lose that game in the first round of the tournament, and Bengals fans will be left wondering what could have been.

He’d cry, if he had a soul… but, y’know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

And we have no idea what to expect with AJ McCarron – coming into his first start against a soft opponent, but in a high-stakes situation is going to be nerve-wracking. The kid showed grace under pressure in Alabama… but this ain’t college ball. I think we might see another crazy upset here, and the late and tragic downfall of the Bengals, starting with an embarrassing win in Santa Clara.

NINERS

BMK: The Ginger of Doom is done for the year. And so are the Bengals.

NINERS

———-

DOLPHINS at CHARGERS

Once teams get eliminated from the post-season, they should just be given the remaining weeks off, so we don’t have to suffer through shit like this.

Cha…Dol… fuck, I can’t decide. I’ll go with whatever Krol picks, and we’ll call this one a wash.

BMK: So DT fobbed this one off on me, huh? Fine.

CHICAGO BULLS

“Crap. Now I have to suffer a season ending injury in another sport!”

———-

BRONCOS at STEELERS

D.T.: As a Broncos fan and an enthusiastic disliker of all things Steelers, this shit is going to be difficult to watch. Denver’s offensive line forgot how to offensive line, and fans were calling for Peyton Manning – who’s back on his feet and taking snaps with the practice squad this week – to return and take his place under center.

“I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?”

Neither quarterback choice honestly inspires much confidence against the Steelers, who are very hungry to a shot at #1 in their division, with Dalton out of the picture. It’s up the Broncos defense to try and keep the team in the game.

Ugh… STEELERS

BMK: This is a hard game to pick. Both teams have very good components and glaring weaknesses. I think the Bronco’s secondary is better than the Steelers, but the Steelers very clearly have a superior QB.

I’m going with the Steelers. There’s no way a team that lost to the Raiders can beat the Steelers this week, is there, DT?

STEELERs

———-

CARDINALS at EAGLES

D.T.: What seems like an easy game to call on the surface, things are actually always explosive when these two Bird Teams get together. And give the Eagles desperation to break that three tie in the NFC East, and the Cardinals to do one better than their secured playoff berth and land a first round bye and home field advantage, the feathers are going to fly in Philly.

And likely the Gatorade, too.

Shit’s gonna get rough, and we can expect to see just as much yellow on that field as red and green. Still, the Cardinals sport the far superior offense, and their defense (when they’re actually fucking awake) is more than capable of containing that hit and miss Eagles offense. I give it to the Cardinals.

CARDINALS

BMK: The Cardinals are starting this maddening trend of playing down to their competition. I expect that to continue this week. Despite being the better team, the Eagles will keep it close. Sam Bradford is not good enough to beat the AZ defense, but that won’t stop him from getting some good plays in.

CARDINALS

———-

LIONS at SAINTS

D.T.: The poor bastards on both these teams deserve a break. But sadly, only one will feel the sting on their season lessened with a win on Monday night. As the world looks for something more interesting to watch, I see the Saints getting a win this week because it’s draft pick time for Detroit. That team has a lot to think about this off-season, and fresh off an early elimination from the post-season is as good a time as any to start. Show up, make it look like something of an effort, and eat the next three losses.

SAINTS

BMK: Forget it.

SAINTS

———-

D.T.: Some of these games are still exciting, but we’re reaching the close of a season that had many a foregone conclusion right around the halfway mark. It’s been a season with many high points, but one with a very clear line between the haves and have-nots. Now, we see the teams who made their claims to the post-season very early on fight for byes and rights to home field advantage.

Anyway, here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, dear readers. May all of your holiday dreams come true (unless you’re a Browns or Lions fan… in which case, may you at least get some bitchin’ presents or something).

BMK: Who else is ready for the post-season? As always, thanks for reading. The podcast will return once we figure out hosting issues.

D.T.: We’re down to the home stretch. The playoff situation is solidifying: the Panthers are the first to clinch their division and look to land a first round bye, while the Browns are the first team officially eliminated from the post-season. We’re still a ways off from Santa Clara though, and here’s where shit starts to get really interesting.
BMK: I’m writing this on Friday night from a hotel in AZ. I grew up here, and when I lived here the Cardinals were never, ever considered a good team. They had one playoff victory and when I left for good in 2004. Despite having a very prolific draft in 2004 under Denny Green, the Cardinals were years away from being competitive. Because of this, Phoenix was a basketball town and the Cardinals were an afterthought.

Well, it’s amazing what ten years will do. This town is football crazy. It’s approaching the wild fanaticism I saw when I lived in Pittsburgh. When the Steelers had a down year, that is. (Seriously, nothing can touch the Steelers fanbase.) I’ve seen more Cardinals hats and shirts in the last five hours than I ever did when I lived here. It’s gratifying. As a long term fan, I’m not used to seeing this. It’s sort of freaking me out.

Anyway, enough autobiographical horse puckey. On to the picks!
———-

VIKINGS at CARDINALS

D.T.: Yet another prime time game for Arizona, they play host to the Vikings, currently tied with Green Bay for 1st in the division. Arizona’s got some room for error, but they’re playing for the second seed in the NFC, while the Vikings are in do-or-die mode, looking to hold on to at least the 5th seed in the NFC North. After their embarrassment against Seattle last week, look to see Minnesota come out swinging — however, with Bridgewater struggling as much as he is, this game will be Cardinals Defense vs Adrian Peterson all night. And as great a season as AP is having, one man does not a team make.

CARDINALS

BMK: If you read the intro you, a) know that I’m writing this after this game was played, and b) you now know more about me than you ever wanted to. Rest assured, constant reader, that I picked the Cardinals to win this week and I told DT. So there’s no chicanery here! No, sir!

Anyway, the Cardinals won, but there’s cause for concern going forward. The Cardinals have lost leads in the last four games. Somehow they won them all, but still, Super Bowl contending teams don’t blow leads.

CARDINALS

———-

BILLS at EAGLES

D.T.: Any given Sunday. That statement rings more true than ever after the Eagles tarnished the Patriots’ record yet again. It took injury to virtually all of New England’s receivers to do it, but Chip Kelly may live to coach another day in Philly. On the flip side, Buffalo’s offense looks pretty sharp, and their star receiver, Sammy Watkins, is poised to carve up that Eagles secondary. With Buffalo looking to climb above .500 and with a little more to fight for, I say they take it.

BILLS

BMK: Years ago, the “tough” kids at my school would wear No Fear T-shirts. Many of these shirts had little pithy sayings on them. My favorite was “Second Place is FIRST LOSER.” Why do I bring this up? Because the Eagles are in a three-way tie for first place in the NFC East, and in that division, first place is still the first loser. I mean, can you imagine any of those teams taking on the Seahawks and winning? So yeah, congratulations, you could win the division, Eagles. That don’t mean you’re going anywhere, pal.

What’s really funny is the Cowboys are only one game out of first, AND they have a better in-division record. This is with a seven game losing streak. If that division was a building, it woud’ve been condemned years ago.

EAGLES

———-

SEAHAWKS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens are done; a win against Seattle would be nothing more than a moral victory, but that shit just ain’t happening. Expect another Seattle blow out like last week against the Vikings.

RAVENS

BMK: What DT said. There’s no way Seattle loses this game. Especially if Jimmy Clausen is starting.

SEAHAWKS

———-

NINERS at BROWNS

D.T.: Another game that means next to nothing; the Browns are officially the first team eliminated from the post-season, and the Niners aren’t far behind. Johnny Manziel was let out of quarterback jail early out of sheer desperation (and possibly to get some more footage so they can trade him?), so it’s Johnny Fuckup against a Blaine Gabbert who showed some competency against the Bears last week. It’s safe enough to take the Niners here.

I had another joke in mind when I went Googling for Manizel photos. Then I found this. It’s like the Mt. Rushmore of fucking douchebag assholes in entertainment. Sweet FUCKING Christ.

NINERS

BMK: Good God, that picture is like a Murderer’s Row of Dipshits….

NINERS

———-

LIONS at RAMS

D.T.: The Lions very nearly beat the Packers last week, when an all-time highlight play was made by Aaron Rodgers to close the game in the final moments. The Lions have to be dejected after that loss, but they’ll be able to bounce back against the Rams this week. St. Louis found new levels of shame last week, as Jeff Fisher made concrete his removal after such staggeringly bad calls as faking a fake punt. That’s not a typo. The Rams are earning being called one of the worst offenses in league history. Enjoy your Sunday, Lions fans!

Dude, you got the Rams, Saints, Niners and Bears in the home stretch. Save that bullet for next year.

LIONS

BMK: A yes…the battle of the Fucked Up Franchises. The Lions can’t catch a break this year, despite having a very good QB, and the Rams can’t do anything right this year, because their QB situation is a Port-a-Potty fire.

In a battle like this, I usually go with the best QB. Which is Stafford by a country mile.

By the by, Fisher is gone next year. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

LIONS
———-

TITANS at JETS

D.T.: The Jets sit currently at the number six seed for the post season while the Titans are already looking at having January off, with a record of 3-9. Mariota showed once again against the Jaguars last week that with a better team and a real, honest-to-goodness coach, he could be great. Then again, it was against the Jaguars’ defense. Jets take this one to the bank. That’s a saying, right?

JETS

BMK: Mariota has shown some flashes of being able to play at the professional level. Which is all you can really ask for when a team has a high enough draft pick to select a top-tier college prospect. Hopefully the Titans can get their act together and surround this kid with some talent. It’s a shame to waste a perfectly good QB. Also, it’s shame to throw away a perfectly good white boy, too.

JETS

———-

STEELERS at BENGALS

D.T.: We come to the great AFC North battle of this season. With this win, the Bengals can clinch the division, and to do so against pretty much their only real divisional rival is a serious priority. They enjoyed a nice practice scrimmage against the Browns last week, while the Steelers had their way with a Colts squad entirely out of Luck.

“I don’t like to use swear words, but that was really fucking lame.”

Can the Bengals defense contain a nigh-unstoppable combination of Cheeseburger and Brown? That’ll be key for them on Sunday. Expect a high-stakes shootout, and a gritty fight between these two teams. As for the winner? I take the Bengals at home to clinch the division.

BENGALS

BMK: This is probably the best game of the week. There’s a lot going on here. The Steeler’s defense isn’t doing so hot, but Roethlisburger and Brown are one hell of a combo.

My head’s telling me to take the Bengals, but the Steelers have so much more to play for, and Andy Dalton is due for his late year slide. So I’m taking the Steelers in the upset.

STEELERS

———-

COLTS at JAGUARS

D.T.: The downside to the excitement of the last few weeks of football is the fact that for every desperate, thrilling battle for a post season spot, we have a game that means jack fuckin’ shit. Yeah, the Colts are sitting on the 4th seed in the AFC playoff picture, but they’re out of steam, and will be little more than wild card round fodder — an easy stepping stone for another team to squeeze their way in. The Jaguars are also playing in this game. That’s about all I have to say about this one. Colts, I guess.

COLTS

BMK: Last week, I watched the Cardinals game in a nice little bar called Chaplin’s in Union City, CA. Behind me were two—TWO—Jaguars fans, each wearing a Bortles jersey. It was like seeing the Loch Ness Monster. Wearing a Blake Bortles jersey.

Anyway, there’s no way the Jaguars are going to win this game.

COLTS

———-

CHARGERS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Last week, the Broncos beat the shit out of the Patriots, Brock Osweiler landed himself another win, and we got to see Rivers throw a fucking fit.

The most sourest grapes you ever saw.

It was a pretty good day for Broncos fans, and fans of high comedy everywhere. And San Diego will take another loss this week in their shameful farewell tour as their last season known as the San Diego Chargers. Perhaps the Los Angeles Chargers will fare better…

CHIEFS

BMK: The Los Angeles Chargers aint going to fare any better. This team is now in rebuilding mode, and they’re done. Rivers will never win a championship. He’ll have to be content collecting high-five figure speaking fees and doing television appearances and analysis after his career ends.

———-

REDSKINS at BEARS

D.T.: I didn’t bother watching the Redskins/Cowboys game on Monday night. I considered it for a moment, and then went about living my life. I can imagine how it went: a few field goals, both teams making stupid plays, probably a few seconds of talk about RGIII, lots of talk about Romo’s collarbone, and suddenly the game was over before anyone was aware anything had happened. I nailed it, right?

Pictured: Two actual reactions to my spot-on estimation of last Monday’s game.

Expect this week to play out probably the same way, and the Redskins to take another boring, tired loss.

BEARS

BMK: I didn’t watch the game either, but Drew Magary (who’s my spirit animal) tweeted that the game was like watching a fish die. That’s the kind of simile I wish I had thought of.

Anyway…the game was awful, and now the NFC East has a logjam for first WHICH IS HILARIOUS.

I think I’m going to stay with DT’s prediction and go with the Bears. Mostly because I can’t find a compelling reason not to. Cutler is a better QB than Cousins and the game is in Chicago. So, yeah…why won’t the Bears win? Beyond having an awful defense and no real offensive weapons…

BEARS

———-

FALCONS at PANTHERS

D.T.: The Panthers might take a loss before the post-season starts, but it sure as shit ain’t gonna be here. The Panthers are going to run roughshod all over their unfortunate divisional rivals.

I haven’t forgotten about you, K-Ben. I miss you, boo.

PANTHERS

BMK: I really hope the Panthers lose and soon. Cam Newton just irritates me. Anyway, like my colleague behind the Saguaro curtain says, there’s no way the Falcons are going to beat the Panthers. I mean, think about it. A falcon is just a large bird. There’s no way it can kill a panther. Even if that panther was a baby.

Yeah, I’m running out of things to say this week….so what?!?

PANTHERS

———-

SAINTS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: I’m sorry. I seriously could not care any less. It’s not because neither of these teams are any good, or that I wouldn’t like to see the Saints get one last divisional win after that grudge match of a loss against Carolina, but… this game doesn’t mean anything. It just doesn’t.

BUCCANEERS
BMK: You know what! This game means something to me.

Wait…no, it doesn’t.

SAINTS
———-

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sorry, Raiders fans. Your team is on the upswing, and things look to be getting better. A decent draft pick in 2016 will help, so take the hit and absorb it with pride. Osweiler leads the Broncos to a modest win in Denver this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: People in the Bay Area were in complete denial about the Raiders. Some were even talking playoffs. Good thing DT and I were immune to that kind of crazy talk!

Anyway, the Raiders are on the upswing. Carr has proven that he can play at the professional level, Amari Cooper could be a pretty good receiver, and hopefully Kahlil Mack will take the next step sometime in the next five years or so. If they can do that and keep drafting well, the Los Angeles Raiders will be in serious contention for a Superbowl…

BRONCOS

———-

COWBOYS at PACKERS

D.T.: The Packers backslide has been intriguing and often bewildering, but nothing compared to how fucking bad the Cowboys are with Romo injured. Remember what I said before about one player not making a full team? It still rings true, but Dallas has lost all will to live with Romo inactive. They’re done for, and I honestly think what’s happened to that team this season in terms of morale will reverberate through the next couple of seasons to come.

PACKERS

BMK: It’s true, that one person does not a team make, but the QB is the most important part of the modern football team. (Insights like that are why 4th and Krol are shooting to the TOP of the sporting journalism world.) The Cowboys without Romo is like a Ferrari with an El Camino engine. If that Ferrari was owned by a weasel drunk with power and wealth.

PACKERS

———-

PATRIOTS at TEXANS

D.T.: It’s looking doubtful that Gronkowski will return this week against the Texans. That gives Houston some hope, after seeing what a defunct Philly team was able to accomplish when Brady is the only offensive name on the field. I’m making this my upset of the week, and saying that the Texans find a way to upset and land a win against a Patriots team both hurt by injuries and comfy enough in the standings to play a soft game.

“I’m gonna make him call me Gisele.”

TEXANS

BMK: Without Gronk this team is like Ferrari without any wheels. Useless, but still a better car than your Hyundai.

TEXANS

———-

GIANTS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Two teams with very little chance of making the post-season, dropped onto a nation of viewers who will watch for a quarter, then switch to whatever dumb sitcom or singing show is on at the same time. The Giants couldn’t secure a win against a Jets team with no cornerbacks, and it’s a toss-up this week, as well. Maybe NBC should just take one of the betterSunday games, and re-air it, instead. They’d probably get better ratings through the 4th quarter. Do I have to pick someone? Okay, fine. Giants, I guess.

“No Coughlin joke this week? This must be the disappointment my dad feels this season.”

“Eli… just shut up.”

GIANTS
BMK: This game is like a Ferrari that’s been blown up and buried under several tons of shit.

GIANTS
———-

D.T.: And there’s week 14 on paper, with no take-backs. The league desperately needs to reevaluate the way in which teams achieve the post-season. Teams with horrible records looking to actually contend and even host a fucking game in the playoffs is a terrible thing we’ve seen all too often. Maybe it’s time to do away with divisions and seed solely on conference. In another 10-15 years, football will be as overdue for change as baseball. And that’s sad and depressing because even with all the awful bullshit we fans have to deal with, it’s still the most exciting game on the planet. That said, I’m excited for the games we know will be great this week, and I look forward to enjoying them all in person over beers with Krol. Shit’s gonna get silly.

BMK: Thanks for reading folks! Like DT said, I’m in AZ this weekend and we plan on getting loaded and watching football. Maybe we’ll record the podcast in that state. Who knows! Next week, we’ll be back and better than ever. Maybe I’ll even have a new metaphor.

D.T.: Lucky number 13! Or at least it already has been for the Packers. Yes, dear readers, I’ve been lazy this week, with hammering work deadlines and celebrating my 32nd birthday, and I’ve only begun writing my half of this week’s column on a Friday. I am ashamed, but not nearly as ashamed as Jeff Fisher, who looks to be leading the Rams to their fifth consecutive loss, the end of their time in St. Louis, and likely an end to his tenure as their coach. But I’m putting the cart ahead of the horse here. Let’s get it on!

BMK: Jeff Fisher ashamed? Pshaw. Jeff Fisher has no shame. That guy’s the Donald Trump of football coaches, only Donald Trump might have a shot of winning the big game.

———-

PACKERS at LIONS

D.T.: I swear, I picked the Packers to win. Krol and I usually text each other our picks on a game if we haven’t yet gotten the column up before the week begins. I really wanted to change my pick to Detroit at halftime, but my counterpart picked the Packers as well, and insisted we ride the sinking ship together.

Then this happened.

Thank fuck they weren’t playing in Seattle, right?

PACKERS

BMK: Yeah, I left at halftime to go drink beers with English folk dancers at a bar in Emeryville, CA, not too far from the Pixar campus. When I got home, I watched the highlights, confident that my decision was the right one.

And what do you know? After an amazing sequence, the Packers pulled it off.

Aaron Rodgers has gotten a lot of grief lately (including some from yours truly), and a lot of it is well deserved. But last night he showed us why he’s considered one of the best QB’s to ever play the game. Truly an amazing sequence.

Even if that was a blown face mask call.

PACKERS

———-

JETS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Giants had a real opportunity to put some ground between them and the Redskins for the lead in the NFC East, but utterly shit the bed. This is another big opportunity for them to fuck up, as they take on the Jets and the Redskins are poised to take another divisional win against the Cowboys. Odell Beckham, Jr. continues to be a human highlight reel, though, and with Revis Island out of the picture and Antonio Cromartie having a shit year, he might be all the Giants need to secure a win this week. It’s 50/50, but I give it to the Giants over their New York roommates.

“Ya hear that boys? J.P. picks us to win the World Series!”

BMK: The NFC East, for my money, is the last interesting divisional race. I want to see how bad it’ll get before someone is awarded a home playoff game. Mostly because having the Redskins win the division and host a playoff game will amuse me to no end. In a real, “some men just want to watch the world burn” sort of way.

“DT’s getting a yellow card for a basic, ‘Tom Coughlin is old’ joke.”

Anyway, I guess I have to pick this game. I liked the Jets early on, but now they’re falling to pieces. Just like my hopes and dreams.

GIANTS

———-

CARDINALS at RAMS

D.T.: The Cardinals are going to win this one, but the question is at what cost? Their running game is stripped of both Chris Johnson and Andre Ellington, and it’s up to star rookie David Johnson to step up. This is scary, two-fold: Johnson has shown great promise and skill already in his career, but he’s prone to fumbles and he lacks the finesse that comes with experience. What’s more is that it leaves more of the burden on Carson Palmer to move the chains, and St. Louis will be gunning for him. HARD.

“You wouldn’t take a guy’s knees THREE times, right?”

If the Cardinals defense shows up and contains what’s being called one of the worst offenses in the history of the league, and if the Arizona offensive line can keep Palmer safe, we’ll probably see a rough and tumble, too-narrow-for-comfort Arizona victory.

CARDINALS

BMK: This game makes me nervous, as a Cardinals fan. For all the reasons my partner outlined above.

I really have nothing to add…except my usual dose of skepticism.

RAMS

———-

FALCONS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Does it really matter? I mean, really? The Panthers have this shit locked down, and no one else in that division is even playing for pride anymore. The Falcons lost to the Vikings last week, and the Bucs to an ailing Indy squad with Hasselbeck under center. That’s not a slight against Hasselbeck, but come on. Fuck it, I’m going all out and calling this game a TIE

BOTH TEAMS LOSE

BMK: The NFC South finally broke DT. But he’s right on the analysis. Does anyone need to see this contest? I mean, win or lose, if you’re a fan of either of these teams you either live in Florida or Georgia; you’re sort of fucked from the word go. To be fair, despite past their prime webmasters living there, Atlanta is nicer than Florida. Marginally, anyway.

Hell, I’m going with the Buccaneers, cause I believer in Jameis Winston, the way I believed in Harvey Dent.

Lando Harvey Dent was the best Harvey Dent.

BUCCANEERS

———-

Seahawks at Vikings

D.T.: The one damned time I root for the Steelers to win at anything, and they let me down. Now Seattle has momentum from beating a team they likely shouldn’t have, and they’re going up against another team they’ve got a fair enough shot at beating. Adrian Peterson is back at the top of his game though, and just might march through that struggling Seattle defense. The Legion of Boom might become the Legion of Whom? at the end of this season, and as much as I don’t care for Peterson, I wouldn’t mind seeing Minnesota contribute to that.

VIKINGS

BMK: I’m taking the Vikings. Mostly for emotional reasons. I want them to beat the Seahawks. Hell, I need them to beat the Seahawks. To paraphrase Steve Martin in LA Story, “Picking the Vikings to beat the Seahawks may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

VIKINGS

———-

NINERS at BEARS

D.T.: Anyone who watched the Niners/Cardinals game last weekend deserves an apology from the NFL, and reimbursement for any money spent attempting to enjoy that travesty of football. Something seriously needs to be done about the state of this sport’s quality, and quickly. The sport is too popular and too profitable to allow it to fall into the same level of mismanagement and internal decay as the Niners organization themselves.

“I feel like maybe I should take offense to D.T.’s comment, but… nah, I can’t give a fuck.”

This game should be a black hole for highlights, and I think Chicago will take an unconvincing win.

BEARS

BMK: Yeah, that Cardinals/49ers game was brutal. I’ll even say it: the Cardinals were outplayed by the 49ers. But like all good teams, the Cardinals found a way to win, and the 49ers were thrown even further into despair. These guys even fired their team President. Sorry—they mutually agreed to part ways.

That euphemism needs to be retired. Retired like how Harrison Ford retired Joanna Cassidy in Blade Runner.

Anyway, the Bears are playing better, the “enigmatic” Jay Cutler is being a decent QB, and plus the 49ers just stink. That all adds up to a victory by the…

BEARS

Yeah, this asshole is hard to figure out.

———-

JAGUARS at TITANS

D.T.: Didn’t these assholes just play each other? I’m just glad they’re not wearing those fucking Color Rush uniforms again. Jaguars will take another win.

JAGUARS

BMK: The AFC South race to the bottom used to interest me. Now I’m enamored with the NFC East. As such, I can’t be bother to talk about this awful match up.

JAGUARS

———-

TEXANS at BILLS

D.T.: It’s really weird that it’s taken the Texans this long into the season to start building some momentum. But, I guess when you’re in a division with the Titans and Jaguars, it’s literally never too late to make a play for the post-season. The Bills are in a bit of a freefall, and with the way Houston has been playing on both sides of the ball in the last couple of weeks, I think they’re set for a win in Buffalo. But does anyone really win anything when they’re in Buffalo, New York?

Nope.

TEXANS

BMK: I once went to a wedding in Buffalo, New York. In December. It sort of sucked and so did the chicken wings from the place that invented them. That said, a colleague of mine from law school lives there. We were out drinking and eating at a quaint French joint in Palo Alto and he told me that you can buy a “palace” there for not a lot of money.

“Yeah,” I said, “but then you’re still in fucking Buffalo.”

I felt very clever and smug till I drove back home to my shack in Hayward that I paid way too much money for.

TEXANS

———-

RAVENS at DOLPHINS

D.T.: Last week, the Ravens destroyed what little hope and happiness Browns fans still possessed. That broken Baltimore team marched into Cleveland looking like the Browns might secure a convincing divisional win against their most hated rivals. Instead, they snatched a narrow loss away, leaving already dejected and suicidal Browns fans even more depressed and miserable.

And this jersey cost two months’ average salary in Northern Ohio…

Now they’re going to embarrass the Miami Dolphins, who have run out of people to fire.

RAVENS

BMK: Not so fast DT. The Dolphins just fired me. L

RAVENS

———-

BENGALS at BROWNS

D.T.: Good fucking god, have pity on Cleveland.

BENGALS

BMK: Here’s a little more inside baseball for the 4th and Krol reader out there. When DT turns his half of the column in, I try to write less where he’s written more and vice versa. However, what the hell do I say about this game? The Bengals are going to win, the outcome will never be in doubt, and Cleveland residents will still exist in some permanent ghost state of despair. The world will march past them, and they’ll have to watch us all progress in our lives, like a hungry man looking through a window at a nice restaurant. Their souls will never know peace; never know satisfaction; never know hope, until the grey raincloud of this world recedes and their souls go off to a far green country.

Then they’ll find out they’re in Kentucky and everything still sucks.

BENGALS

———-

CHIEFS at RAIDERS

D.T.: I thought the Chiefs might have been looking at a chance at the AFC West, but that was before the Brockpocalypse started, and Osweiler showed us that spending your career watching Peyton Manning from the sidelines actually makes you a pretty okay professional quarterback. So now the Chiefs and Raiders duke it out for the number two spot, and maybe I’m crazy, but I think the Raiders might take this one. They’ve earned a lot of good will this year, and a divisional win at home would be a delight for a fanbase that’s probably going to lose their team at the end of this season.

RAIDERS

BMK: The Raiders are such an “enigmatic” franchise this year. Sometimes they look good, sometimes they look bad. It’s almost as if they’re a mediocre team. Who knew?

CHIEFS

———-

BRONCOS at CHARGERS

D.T.: So Brock Lobster toppled the previously undefeated Patriots, injured Gronkowski and made Belichick show emotion. That’s pretty fucking impressive, Denver. For a team that most people were on the verge of writing off, they’ve come back in a big way and they’re going to kick the shit out of poor Rivers and whoever else they’ve got walking out of the tunnel at Qualcomm Stadium. Then again, if they somehow lose to the Chargers, the entire sports media will be right back to saying they’re done. C’est la vie.

BRONCOS

BMK: Right now my brain is telling me to take the Broncos. The Chargers are not going anywhere and Brock Osweiler has more to play for this week than Philip Rivers. Of course, trying as I am to be the Statler and Waldorf of football, if the Chargers beat the Broncos, there’ll be more chaos in Denver and thus, more for me and DT to talk about on the podcast. So I’m going with my heart again.

D.T.: I’m already thinking of ways to console my friend in New Orleans. Fuck me, this is gonna be ugly for the Who Dats.

PANTHERS
BMK: We’ll see. I want the Panthers to lose. So I’m taking the Saints.

I’m going crazy this week I think.
———-

COLTS at STEELERS

D.T.: As heartwarming as it would be to see Hasselbeck lead the Colts to victory against the evil that is Pittsburgh…

I mean, come on. You’ve got these two poor excuses for human beings on your team. Between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, Hell has it’s Pro Bowl team sorted out.

…that shit sadly isn’t going to happen. Especially at Heinz Field.

STEELERS

BMK: Pittsburgh’s not evil. At least the town isn’t. Sure, it’s sort of ugly, and the natives have baffling accents, but there’s some great Italian food there, and you can find awesome French fries at the Big O in Oakland.

And…uh…hmmm…

Yeah, the Colts are going to lose.

STEELERS

———-

COWBOYS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Another utterly lackluster Monday Night game, leaving us all a little hollow and unfulfilled the following Tuesday morning. Romo made a brief reappearance and won a game, then promptly left again for the season. The QB situation in his absence has been so bad that even Jerrah Jones, who – in a combination of senility and hubris – prides himself on being a fine NFL owner and GM, has given himself an “F” rating for his handling of things. The Redskins are going to take a divisional win, and a lead in the division. We’re going to keep hearing that “You like that?!” shit for another week, and… fuck me, we’re probably going to see the Redskins in the postseason. They’ll get fucking slaughtered in the first round, but assholes like Dan Snyder and Jay Gruden will feel an itch of justification and validation, and we’ll continue to see the Redskins flounder in their current situation for seasons to come.

REDSKINS

BMK: At this point, Tony Romo is like the special guest star on the Cowboys. He shows up, some good things happens, then he’s done for the year. Sort of like when Colonel Flagg shows up on MASH.

Anyway, the Redskins march to the playoffs continues unabated this week.

REDSKINS

———-

DT: And on that happy note, we’re done! Next week should be interesting: I’ve been informed that B. Michael Krol will be once again gracing the Valley of the Sun (that’s in Arizona, folks) with his presence. There’s plans in the works for the two of us to spend all of next Sunday drowning in football (and no doubt female fans of 4th and Krol throwing themselves at us). We might have to do something special to commemorate the event. Anyway, looking forward to next week! Thanks for reading, as always!

BMK: Yep. Another week in the books. DT’s right, I will be in AZ next week so maybe we’ll record our podcast on Sunday.

Thanks for reading!

And now…your weekly dose of Kat Dennings…

This post was written to another techno playlist and the sounds of pugs fighting.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

———-

EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia. This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
———-

PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

———-

BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay? Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats. I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

———-

SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day. Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

———-

RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

———-

VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

———-

GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

———-

BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

———-

BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos. But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

———-

RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares? Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

———-

CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally, Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

———-

DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
———-

CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls…

———-

STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack. Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset. Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader. I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.