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The devil is in the decals

The hunt for flattering gymwear is never-ending, and I know you know what I’m talking about.

Few women look good in those capri-length workout bottoms that are everywhere–they make a woman look like a peg leg pirate with stubby, wide thighs–and you have to be Gwen Stefani with her rock-hard abs to pull off track pants rolled down at the waist. No one, male or female, has ever looked good in elastic-waist sweats (think overstuffed sock puppet) and those of us who have had children generally cannot pull off the low-riding Juicy Couture-style terry bottoms without an excess of abdomen splooging over the top and sides. Don’t even get me started on the roll-waist yoga pants. Let’s just say they’re only look good on women without actual rolls at their waist.

Mind you, this is not the fault of our bodies. Our bodies are fine. It is due to lack of imagination or quite possibly sadism on the part of the designers of workout wear, who simply refuse to come up with workout bottoms that keep things smooth and tucked in, so you can go exercise without feeling like a lumbering buffalo on a treadmill.

Still, hope springs eternal, and the other day, it appeared that my faith and patience would be rewarded. I was in Filene’s Basement and rummaging through the racks. Suddenly, I spotted what appeared to be the perfect pair of black workout bottoms. My heart started to pound, not unlike when I spotted the man who is now my husband across the room at a friend’s wedding. I pulled the hanger off the rack to examine them. Simple, straight cut, highish waist to contain the wayward midriff, moisture wicking material….could these be the one? Finally, after all this time, just when I’d given up hope? Maybe, just maybe, I thought, tamping down any cynical instincts that bubbled up through my optimism. I’m going to try them on.

Quickly, as if they might evaporate in my arms, I ran to the dressing room, and tore off my clothes. Sliding my feet into the pants and then standing to hop them up over my butt, I had reason for optimism. The pants went over the sometime obstacle of my rear end without too much struggle, and hit me right at the waist, so there was no overhang. They were long enough so as not to flare out unflatteringly above my anklebone, and tight only where they should be. There were no rhinestones or sequins that would clog up my dryer’s lint filter, and the price was right. SOLD, I thought, and was already planning on swinging by the rack where I’d found them to see if there were any more in my size, so I could stock up. I slid them off and folded them, and prepared to put my own clothes back on.

And that’s when I saw it: The word CUTIE, in big turquoise felt block capital letters across the heinie. NOOOOOOOO!! I shouted in my mind. If I were in a sitcom (which at that moment I felt as if I was) the word would have had that drawn-out slow-mo distorted sound, as if I was being engulfed in abject horrorÂ (which it was!) How had I missed that? Why would anyone sew the word CUTIE on someone’s ass, even if the ass in question might be cute, which, let’s be honest, mine is not, and really never was?!? I’m not putting my ass down–it’s fine, but no one would ever sew the word FINE on the back of a pair of sweatpants, and if they did, I wouldn’t buy them. Would you? Besides, if one has a cute ass, one doesn’t need the word CUTIE on it to call attention to its cuteness, and if one doesn’t, any writing whatsoever on the butt calls attention to what is probably better left unremarked upon.

I was so annoyed I didn’t even put the sweatpants back on the hanger, and left without even the socks I’d gone to Filene’s for in the first place. I think I’m going to start working out in a skirt, like the orthodox Jewish women in my building do. They do it for the sake of modesty. I’ll be doing it as a protest.

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3 Responses to “The devil is in the decals”

What is with the whole butt-as-billboard thing? Whenever I see it on some young folk in my neighborhood (and, yes, they’re always young. Who else can pull that off?), I want to give them a firm talking to about women’s rights and the struggle to get where we are…. and then I realize it’s just another example of me being formerly.

As for the gym, I’m gonna be sweating and gasping and possibly flopping like a fish. No nice pair of work out pants is gonna help with that.

I’ve been somewhat inspired to embroider whole sonnets or passages from the bible or koran on my butt, just to emphasize its awesomeness.

Fer realz–Old Navy has a pretty decent pair of yoga pants (non-roll down waist) which conceal and contain the sins and delights of a life well lived while still offering comfort and mobility. And no billboard butt.

I will echo the Old Navy yoga pant – I have six pairs, including two that have POCKETS, yay! Great not only for yoga but for my bike commutes as well with my arse fully covered. Now, can we find JEANS that don’t give us muffin top and/or butt cleavage whenever we take a step or lean over to pick something up? (and ones that do not cost $200)

The circle of life TRAYCIE WROTE: My mom was (and still is) petite. We wore the same size when I was in high school in the early 1980's. She used to pass really cute clothes or shoes over to me by saying "It's too young for me". Now, here in 2012, I find myself passing on some of the cutest clothes by saying "It's too young for me". Dammit!

Love this post! from Autumn This blog is my story, all over.
I am a Formerly Hot blonde..always the 'pretty one' in the family, never lacking for attention or dates. Fast forward...I'm now 42, mother of four blonde blessings, and yes....going through a totally-typical divorce. The funny thing is...during a fifteen-yr abusive marriage, I was brought so low that I had completely 'let myself go' (and I despise that saying!) Now that I'm free, I'm finally strong enough to take the time and effort to take care of ME...haircuts, highlights, tanning, whitening my teeth...and eating healthfully and exercising, of course. I had become so accustomed to being virtually invisible during my thirties that the scant attention I now still receive from men just absolutely floors me! Ah, it's good to find that girl again. Yes, the men paying attention are my age or older, but that's as it should be, and fine with me!
Ladies, you're still hot...just hot now to a different demographic. Embrace it: it's not gone! :)

Perspective, people CATHY WROTE: I just read your book and appreciated it, though I can't really relate. Not only am I 15 years older than you, I was never hot. I have a mild case of cerebral palsy; while I can, thank God, walk and talk, I limp and my right arm swings like a broken tree branch. When I shop for clothes, style doesn't count. Can I get into it by myself? Will these shoes support my right ankle?

Agree? QUEEN WROTE: There comes a time in your life when u suddenly realize that you are not cute anymore. You are still pretty and more secure, hopefully more intelligent and secure, but you just don't turn heads the way you used to. But its not because you became ugly, I believe there are beautiful and ugly in young and old.

Relief, of a kind KIKI WROTE: Finally! I don't get hit on all the time. It's kind of nice to be able to go to the store and be checked out (no pun intended) without the clerk asking me if I've got a boyfriend. D

Olivia d’Abo was the hot older daughter! JULIE WROTE: The AmeriCorps (2o-something) in my office were discussing dopplegangers. I remarked that I was never really told I look like anyone-oh, except for the sister on the Wonder Years (Olivia d'Abo character)...to which the reply (nonsnarky, just curious) was..."don't you mean the mom?" What???

HILARIOUS CHRISTINE WROTE: ...Last year my 13 year old step daughter wore my dress to a birthday party. I told my friends the story and one of the husbands replied, "that was a farewell dress. Farewell to size 4."

9-year-old fashion tips LAURA WROTE: My 9 year old daughter, who knows everything, informed me that I was too old to even think about wearing a bikini or even a two piece. She informed me that tankini's were OK because they covered my flabby parts and made it easy for me since I have to go to the bathroom so much (bladder sling surgery in 3 months.)