Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Diane's Allergy

DIANE'S ALLERG Y I'm looking for Sam Malone, the ex-Red Sox player. Over there behind the bar. - Boy, has he gotten old. - No, son, I'm Sam Malone. I know. Your mother knows you hang around in bars? My brother, Doug, is the biggest Red Sox fan ever. He's in hospital having his tonsils out. It would mean a lot if he could have an autograph. - Sure thing. - Here you go. Not yours. I figured you'd know where to find Carl Yastrzemski. No, but I'll start you on your way. Sam, hold it. Just kidding. Here's your ball. I'm sorry. We don't keep in touch. Doug will be disappointed. I don't know what to do. Could you sign it? It's almost as good. You sure your brother won't mind? Yeah. He doesn't know what Yastrzemski's handwriting looks like. Good point. OK, cut the crap. Today's my birthday. You all know that. If you're planning a party for me, and you better be, let's get the show on the road. If that's not a cue for merriment, what is? Just a small token of my appreciation. A very small token. Good things come in small packages. Little things come in small packages. Perfume. No, toilet water. Gag gift, I went for it. OK. All right, Carla. - Maybe this will make it up to you. - Now, this is more like it. All right. A jelly bean. Thank you, Norm. Another gag gift. You guys are too much. And garlic flavoured. Nice touch, Norm. All right. Come on, stop. You know how these clowns have to get their gags in. We saved the best for last. This is from me and from Coach. Silverware. - Lone Ranger? - You wear it to ride on Silver. Don't you get it, Carla? You wear it to ride on Silver. - Silverware. - Hilarious. Thanks a bunch, guys. Don't thank us, it's the thought. Can we throw a party or what? - There he is. - Can't we put this off till tomorrow? It's such a lovely evening. Let's not despoil it. You only inflame violent emotional confrontations by putting them off. Your intelligence inflames me. Really? Well, e = mc squared. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. Baby! How about a couple of brandies? Where were you? You missed Carla's party. We discovered this French-Japanese restaurant. Very chic, dark, romantic. Be careful about unlighted joints. You don't know what grubby food they'll slip you. Not Chez Fujimoto. Sam, Frasier and I have something important to tell you. Sam, this may be rough going. Despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and without disparaging your sincerity, we believe you're suffering some emotional residue from your relationship with Diane. I'm sorry, Frasier, I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two. What was he saying? We came to an important decision tonight. Sam, brace yourself. Diane and I are going to cohabitate. Right here in the bar? I guess it's cheaper than a piano player. This is predictable. Making jokes to mask the pain. I don't understand. I'm moving into Frasier's fashionable townhouse. Where's Frasier moving to? You're being deliberately opaque Frasier, he's making a joke. Shoot. You two will be shacked up together? Yes, I decided it was time. What spoiled an evening with Diane was having to say good night. Really? That was one of my highlights. We know how much this hurts you, but your defensiveness is annoying. I don't know what you expected me to do when you told me, but this doesn't bother me. I am very happy for you kids. Thank you, Sam. We couldn't be happier. The only thing standing in the way of a total commitment is Pavlov's response. You see, that's my little joke, Sam. Pavlov is my dog, you see, and I couldn't resist the witticism. - Let me explain. Pavlov - I know all about Pavlov. Drooling at the sound of a dinner bell. I've done that before, but I never knew what to call it. I had a puppy once. My ex-wife took her. Little bitch. About this high. Frasier, we left Carla's present in the car. I'll get it. I hope I remember where I parked. I'm inebriated with joy over this situation. Or else the sake made me crocky. Nobody told me he was funny. Now you know why. It's pretty exciting news. - Yes, we felt it was time. - I wish you all the luck in the world. Because we'll need it? You're a pair made in heaven. I don't care what the sceptics say, I say the two of you will last Let's see, what time is it now? Sam, you're hurting now, aren't you? Admit it. It's not surprising that you're bitter. I never took this step with you, but what Frasier and I have together is more substantial. What you and I had was exciting, tempestuous at times, but there was no future in it. You've got to be careful about that excitement stuff. Too much of that and soon you're starting to expect life to be enjoyable. Then one day you wake up and all those years of pleasure have gone by and what have you got to show for it? Happiness. How true. Here it is. Where's our birthday girl? In the back. She'll be out in a minute. Sam, would you call her? I've lots to do. I want to start moving my clothes in. Do you have enough closet space? Loads. Don't worry about that. Frasier and Diane here have a gift for you. - Be still, my heart. - Many happy returns, Carla. - Beautiful wrapping. - Yes, Coach, exquisite wrapping. Now, let's get to the joke. - Diane, these are beautiful. - Frasier picked them out. Thank you. - How about vino to break them in? - Yeah, I want to make a toast. I want to toast the two people who had enough class to get me a real gift. To Diane and Frasier. No matter how many times I give fine-dribble crystal, I never tire of it. So how's it going, Carla? Fine. But don't think I don't appreciate busy guys like you caring enough to ask. She's still sore about the gag gifts. She's more than sore. She's hurt, offended and resentful. If she were wearing dirty bunny slippers, she could be Vera. It's our fault. We could have got her something nice. It's not too late. We can still give her a surprise. Just buy her a real gift. Well, I'm a knowledgeable shopper. I'll take charge of Operation Make-Good. We sure we want Cliff to handle this? He's likely to buy something tasteless. Yeah, but none of us will know the difference. Cliffie, you're our man. Afternoon, everyone. Isn't it a beautiful day? - How are the new living arrangements? - Like a charm. I don't know why we didn't do it from the start. - Is that right? - I couldn't be happier, absolutely. - Diane - Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. You'll have to excuse that. I have some some kind of an itch, sort of in the back of my throat. Have you ever had one of those? Boy, it's almost as if it's inside my ear, but not there either. You know? That must be maddening. Let me get you the ice pick. I was sneezing all morning. At least that's stopped. - I wonder what causes it. - That adorable puppy of Frasier's. - Little Pavlov? - She's very sweet, but I'm a cat person. I obviously have some kind of an allergy to dogs. - Are you sure it's the dog? - What else could it be? You've been around that dog before. You must have. Moving in with Frasier is a big commitment. I wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic. Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who has to write L and R on the bottom of his shoes. - Does that mean you agree with me? - Don't be ridiculous. I just had this thought. Could it be that you still love somebody from your past? - You? - Well, not necessarily. It could have been Sumner or anybody, but isn't it interesting that I spring to mind? No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid. - Hello, my dearest darling. - Frasier! Gesundheit. I've reconsidered. I was unyielding this morning. I realise your happiness comes first. I must give up Pavlov. - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure. I can't just put the little tyke out on the streets. I've must find the best home. That's a lengthy process. - I'll take her. - Frasier, I realise that this may If the dog's the only thing standing between you, then if I take her away, everything will be fine for Diane, right? I love dogs. I'll give her a great home. I will. There we are, then. Done, Sam, done and by golly, done. She's yours. Good. That should clear just about everything up. I should say so. We're mighty grateful too. Aren't we? Yes. In fact, do you want to hear something funny? Just knowing that the dog is going, I'm already feeling better. No more allergies. Gesundheit. - Hello, Sam. - Frasier, what can I get you? I've got a heavy patient load. Make it a triple stinger and a beer chaser. No, let me have a club soda. Sam, listen. Fill me in. I'm hungry for news of little Pavlov. Pavlov? You must mean little Diane. - I beg your pardon? - I renamed the puppy Diane. I figured you wouldn't mind. It's my puppy now. I tell you, it's so wonderful. Any trouble, I swat her on the rear end and say, "Shut up, Diane. " And she does. It's heaven. Changing the dog's name hurts me a little. Don't you think two Dianes will be confusing? Maybe. We'll just have to call your girlfriend Pavlov. How are Pavlov's allergies now that I got Diane? These things don't clear up overnight. The latest symptom is a recurring voice change. - A what? - You'll have to hear it. I don't think words can do it justice. Where's Carla? I did it. I went out. I got her a great birthday present. You mean it's Carla's birthday already again? The older you get, time goes No. This is a real gift to make up for those gag gifts we got. A real gift which better be good. Hi, sweetheart. Hey, Carla. Many happy returns. No thanks. No more hilarious gifts, OK? My sides are still sore from last week. - Carla, it's a very nice gift. - Yeah? What does it do? Explode, stink, or make disgusting sounds? No, this is the real gift, Carla, which better be good. This is beautiful. I love this. It's perfect. This makes up for everything, I think. It's not easy for me to say thanks, but thanks, guys. Way to go, Cliff! You haven't heard the best part though. The longer you wear it, body heat makes the words, "I am horny as a hoot owl" appear right on the back. Get him out of here. - See you tomorrow, gang. - Good night, Cliff. Excuse me, Sam. Something's been troubling me. I gave you the wrong impression that Diane and I are unhappy. - No. - We're going through an adjustment. In fact, today I think she's shown some improvement. - Hello, everyone. Hello, sweetheart. - Hello, Diane. - You're going to say gesundheit? - We've moved past gesundheit. We're now on our way to "stuff a sock in it". I'm sorry. You know I was joking. How come you still have allergies if I've got Diane? - Diane? - That's what he calls Pavlov. Don't ask. Diane, are you feeling any better? There are obviously still traces of Pavlov in the apartment, which I cannot remove. She's tried. I've had it fumigated, I've had all the furniture reupholstered, I've had the wallpaper steamed off. Looks darned good, incidentally. We discovered natural brick on one wall. The place needed redecorating. How would you feel about linoleum in the living room? - What? - A lot of people have done it. - I'm almost sure I've seen pictures - That's it! I can't take it any more! Denial and repression. I devoted myself professionally to fighting these and now I'm wading in them upstream. OK, keep the carpet! We're both know allergic reactions are psychosomatic. There's a thought. Maybe on some subconscious level, you don't want to be living with me. Frasier, it's the dog. I keep telling you. It's the dog! The voice. Diane, the damn dog is gone. She's halfway across the city! I don't want to put you through all this. Frasier, we've made a commitment here. You're not ready yet for this kind of commitment. Perhaps some day you will be. We'll wait and see. No, I'm going to make this work. Diane, please, don't hold on to this for me. I love you. But I think your health is more important. Maybe you're right. I'm sure I'm right. Now, listen. Go and gargle and spray your throat. Use your inhaler, take your antihistamine and put your nose drops in. Use whatever else you find in that pharmacy you call a purse. Well, Sam, aren't you going to gloat? I like to think I'm above that, Diane. Am I nuts, or is that kind of sexy? Frasier, that's a tough break. Damn it. I thought we were going to make it work in a big way. I bet you do and I bet you do it pretty soon. Will you excuse me? - The problem is now I'm entirely alone. - Yeah, that's tough. I want my doggy back! Frasier, I've grown accustomed to the old girl. My emotional need for her is stronger than yours. - She's mine. - But I love her. - Find another one. - I don't want to talk about this. Nothing can make me change my mind. She's mine. You were just a port in the storm. I want her and I'll have her. Don't stand in my way or you'll suffer my wrath. Do I make myself clear? Frasier, this is so exciting. You are the only man to proclaim his feelings for me with such eloquence. What we were talking about She knows what and who we were talking about. She's a clever girl and a beautiful one. Frasier, do you know that there's a Kurosawa film festival at Cambridge? I'm not really in the mood to go Kurosawa, you say? Kurosawa and I'm really in the mood. I could see his films again and again Sam, could I have the afternoon off, please? You wouldn't want to stand between me and Diane and "The Seven Samurai"? No. I hope all nine of you have a wonderful time. Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane and you get to go home to a dog. Yeah, somebody up there likes me. English