We’re Clever Girls

Welcome, friends, to another exciting recap of ANTM, America’s Nastiest Toe Medications. I am your host, I. M. Masochist. Sit back and soak those feet like the specialist told you — we’re in for one toe jammin’ time!

Ha ha! But I am just kidding, of course! We’re here to review America’s Next Top Model, starring the estimable Tyra Banks. At the beginning of this episode, Ms. Banks descended from her diamond house nestled in the cloud city of I’m Rich, Bitch! (Dave Chappelle lives there, too) to counsel our coven of youthful moddles. I advise all of you in Internet-Land to get out your note pads, for we are about to do some book-larnin’ about moddle-things straight from Ty Ty herself.

Archetype: All moddles must determine their archetype in order to use it to become the ever-coveted “high fashion” type of moddle. For example, my personal archetype is “Cadbury Creme Egg,” for that is the shape I begin to take on every Spring when those delicious bastards force themselves into my grocery cart. When I need to appear on the runway, I don’t strut so much as roll unevenly. It is my secret weapon. STUDY QUESTION: What is your high fashion archetype?

Fame: Fame is a terrible danger of the moddle-ing industry. People want to take your picture, which is the opposite of what a moddle does. Or something. I, too, have this problem. One time I was in the 7-Eleven and my husband asked me how many Cadbury Creme Eggs I could fit in my mouth at one time. Lots of people took my picture there, as well as in the emergency room later. But famous people like me must set boundaries, so I wouldn’t let them take pictures of the Cadbury Creme Eggs I’d stuffed in my bra. STUDY QUESTION: What are your paparazzi boundaries?

Autographs: Ty Ty showed America how she signs her name. She adds a heart, which is how Abraham Lincoln often signed presidential orders.

Tyra hearts herself.

You might think that I add an egg to my siggie, but no. I draw a rainbow-farting unicorn. I find it adds a certain elegance to my student loan checks. STUDY QUESTION: How will you turn your boring-ass name into a signature work of art?

Thick Skin: Every moddle must have a thick skin to deal with the .00000000000006% of people in the world who don’t think they are the most perfect form of woman. I’ve never had to develop this sort of mental shielding, as I’ve eaten so much chocolate that I now taste like it, and everyone likes that. STUDY QUESTION: What is your favorite way to troll a troll? Bonus points if it involves a robot.

Here endeth the Tyra lesson. I hope you’ve improved yourselves. Be sure to answer the study questions in the comments!

This week’s challenge involved autograph signing. Ms. Jay sent them to the Century City Mall to conduct themselves gracefully in the public sphere. This is just a guess, but I think the “public sphere” was a group of people who lost a bet with the manager of the mall’s Orange Julius and were forced to go coo over models they’d never heard of in the parking lot. Either that or a buncha out-of-work actors.

The Grueling Pilgrimage to the Wilds of the Century City Mall (as it came to be known) was chock full of nail-biting, hard-hitting tasks for our heroines. They bravely endured: standing, talking, wind-blowing, quizzes about favorite ice cream flavors, more talking, and more standing. It was like watching Saint George defeat the dragon, literally.

Monique told some weird dude that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would kiss him. Voldemoddle didn’t like that one bit! Snarly looks were given all ’round. In the end, though, she did kiss him, which was super creepy. Perhaps she was cursing him evilly.

The winner of the “Don’t Be a Jerk to Other Human Beings While Standing Upright” challenge was Kasia. She won the chance to take Jaclyn and Britanni with her on a dinner date with Ms. Jay, which is actually a prize I would love. I’d ask Ms. Jay where she bought her turbans, and we’d trash talk Nigel Barker, Noted Fashion Photographer, until we passed out from champagne cocktails.

The losers of the challenge were forced into MANUAL LABOR in the form of cleaning up after their adoring fans.

MANUAL.
LABOR.

Correct me if I’m wrong, blog friends, but MANUAL LABOR was not one of the dangers of modeling that Tyra talked about at the beginning of the show, was it? With no preparation for this new horror, the dauntless ladies of Cycle 16 had to face trash bags and abandoned styrofoam cups protected only by the one talent naturally bestowed upon them by the Goddess – whining.

Monique courageously soldiers on.

In the winner’s circle (that was, thankfully, debris-free), Ms. Jay gave Kasia, Jaclyn, and Britanni the good advice that being nice makes people like you, and then want to hire you again.

Ms. Jay says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but all those ugly words make me wealthy."

(Feel free to hate-blog my recaps anytime, folks.)

This episode’s photographer was Jonathan Mannion, who specializes in soul-revealing portraits of ordinary people who work to improve lives in the poorest nations of the Earth. Nah, just kidding. He takes pictures of Kanye West and shit.

“Mud” was the theme of the photoshoot. The idea was that the moddles would pile on each other, covered in mud, and take black and white photos. I wonder how long it took them to come up with that idea? STUDY QUESTION: What kinds of substances can you think of to force moddles to wallow in?

Kasia, the “fiercely real, plus size model” worried about finding an angle in her swimsuit that would be flattering to her oh-so-large shape. Yes, what a terrible shape it is. She was so right to worry. I am alarmed for her.

Poor Kasia, who possesses hips.

Good thing they put her in the back.

Cover that thing up!

The brunettes were judged first at panel. They worked extremely well together and turned out a bee-u-tee-ful photo. The brunettes were deemed “high fashion.”

The brunettes.

The blondes turned out really… monotone, but pretty. Men think that this is what women do when we hang out together, and they’re right. The blondes were dubbed “billboard.”

The blondes.

Britanni got best photo for owning the other brunettes (that’s her above on the extreme right). Kasia was deemed Queen of the Blondes (that’s her second from left).

In the bottom were Monique and Mikaela. Mikaela for having dead eyes, like a high-cheekboned doll who creeps you out in the middle of the night. Monique for sailing through the middle, neither flying or flailing. She was sent home for being boring.

And yet, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named remains free to throw her dark mark into the sky and reign havoc over the solemn proceedings of Ty Ty and company. When will the madness end? Will it be up to one of us? The few, the ashamed, the TV watchers? Perhaps. Perhaps. Until next week, my lovelies, I bid you adieu. I’m off to carve myself a magic wand from a wooden spoon and imbue it with some magical cat hair. (At least I hope it’s magical. It’s everywhere, that’s for sure.) Sometimes, when no hero is available, we ourselves must become the exemplar.

STUDY QUESTION: How would you defeat Voldemoddle?

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Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.
View all posts by Lucy Woodhull

1. I have large eyes that give me the look of a permanently surprised ostrich (I act like one too). Clearly channeling my spirit animal will make me the fiercest model of them all.
2. Any time I feel uncomfortable, I will start yelling “NO TOUCHING!” like the guard in Arrested Development.
3. In fifth grade, I signed my name Mandy Pandy and drew a little panda face next to my name. I think I’ll start doing this again, but change Pandy to Panty.
4. WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE ROBOT? I want names!
5. The most sadistic thing I can think of is fake blood made with kool-aid and corn syrup. Let it dry, and it’s painful to take off. Don’t let the discomfort bring you down though! It’s totally necessary for high fashion!
6. When I finally figure out how to get my inner panicked ostrich to manifest outside my body, I can make it attack her.

1.My archetype is the Tyra- inexplicable outbursts and intense self-congratulations
2.My boundaries? I have none, so long as they will wear paper bags over their heads, so I can pretend they are someone else
3.I spit upon my signature! That way they can clone me and come up with their very own Staunchlymolly. This may or may not be part of my plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
4.To troll a troll one simply places a pot upon one’s head and sing Celine Dion whilst squatting upon a toadstool and voilÃ ! They will be gone ( along with everyone else)
5. In keeping with the “cheaties” previously revealed by Tyra, they will think they will wallow in chocolate but no! it will be carob, chocolate’s poor cousin, and the model who thinks it is gross will win a prize be shamed for not liking cheaties
6.Clearly, a redhead moddle, a bushy haired moddle, and the inexplicably successful moddle will join forces to retrieve the 7 marbles Tyra has lost to defeat the Voldemoddle.

I’m actually kind of surprised Tyra hasn’t branched out into making the moddles get tattooos. She’s made them fix their teeth, destroy their teeth and bleach their eyebrows. I feel like an eyebrow thickening tattoo has to be next.

I’m actually kind of surprised Tyra hasn’t branched out into making the moddles get tattoos. She’s made them fix their teeth, destroy their teeth and bleach their eyebrows. I feel like an eyebrow thickening tattoo has to be next.

Also I literally (not in the Rachel Zoe sense) had to put my hand in front of my mouth when Kasia (or Hannah?) said they were excited to have lunch with Miss J because he’s so influential in the fashion industry in order to not spit coffee all over myself and my breakfast. Your dinner scenario with Miss J sounds much more exciting.

Oh Fun! Study Questions!
1. Grandpas. I dress like them, I act like them, I shoo cats like them. I mentally wear suspenders all day.
2. Paparazzi boundary? The distance between me and my bat. I’m going to swing my arms like this and if you get in the way it’s your own fault. I’m going to kick my legs like this and if you get in the way it’s your own fault.
3. My signature, as perfectly crafted in 6th grade, will swing the end of the i up into a heart over the i, thus dotting it with a heart. Because I am love. (My name ends in i, I should mention)
4. Trolling a troll will involve nanoprobes and nanorobots. The design is super secret though. I can’t divulge any more info.
5. You know that candy bar commercial where swimmers dive into a pool of caramel and the announcer says “Pool filled with caramel? Bad idea.” I say “Ef That! Pools of caramel are awesome!” Moddles could totally make pools of caramel hip again just by wallowing in it.
6. Voldemoddle would fall easily to my plate of donuts. Because the answer is always donuts.
Also Kasia is owning that photo. Brunette twins in the back? Mix it up a bit. You’re creeping me out.

BHB – never change.

(super secret information: I know someone who is going to LA this weekend to audition for ANTM! I’m so excited. No one is allowed to hate her if she makes it onto the show. She is the coolest, sweetest girl – which is actually why I think she might not make it past the audition)

1. I believe my archetype is the Crispy Milk Chocolate Easter Bunny, because I am chock full of crisped rice and strangers regularly try to bite my ears.

2. I will never let the paparazzi catch me in my super secret Easter bunny eating spot. If they were to publish the photos, my children would be able to find me there and demand that I share my delicious chocolate.

3. Coincidentally enough, I sign my name with a flourish that resembles Abraham Lincoln.

4. I made a robot named Fred that I use to discourage trolls. He’s really just a chunk of plastic, so I chuck him at the heads of haters and run away to my bunny-eating hidey-hole.
[img]http://persephonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/robot2-1.jpg[/img]

5. I think some creamed corn wrestling would really class the show up.

6. As for Voldemoddle, we may just have to wait until she throws a hissy-fit about her cab driver during go-see week. That has proven to be the best way to get rid of them.

Study Question 1: My archetype is clearly wine, as that is the thing I most enjoy. I become one with the wine as I slosh strut down the runway of life.
Study Question 2: Thanks to wine, I have no boundaries. Remember when those kids in my old building saw my bubbies because I was sitting around with no shirt on? I call this “being accessible to my fans.”
Study Question 3: My signature is a scuttling crab holding a wine glass. It reminds my fans to stay crabby classy!
Study Question 4: Trolling trolls? I throw a drink in their face whilst dancing the robot. Just kidding! I never waste good alcohol like that! I drink what’s left and smash them over the head with my fist.
Study Question 5: The moddles should wallow in one part Nigel Smugness and 2 parts Dangerous Self-Loathing. (Betcha thought I was going to say wine! Suckers!)
Study Question 6: I think smashing her over the head with my robot-dancing fist will take care of her right quick.

Not to mix up the classic literature references, but as soon as that photo of the blondes was slapped up on the screen last night, I immediately thought She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named looked a LOT like another villain…