Devoted readers, I don’t mean to panic you, but in case no one has told you of your probable impending deaths, here you go:

WE’RE ALL ABOUT TO FLY WILDLY OFF THE EDGE OF A FISCAL CLIFF AND DIE, MAN!

Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Check your portfolio, because Wall Street’s swinging like a monkey on a tree with every word uttered from the sweet and merciful lips of the nation’s top lawmakers. Make sure you have plenty of canned goods and bottled water. Don’t wait until last minute to gas up your car. If you haven’t already, buy a generator.

America is headed into a crisis of epic proportions, and let’s face it: we have clearly never faced anything like this before. Two wars against the British, a four-year civil bloodbath, Pearl Harbor, Vietnam, and ’70s fashion have nothing against the crisis facing our poor infant nation. Nothing, I tell you. I would tell you to double-bolt your doors, dear readers, but the truth is nothing can save us from this Orwellian cloud of destruction. Even the Knights of Norquist fall like trees before a lumberjack to its overwhelming might.

In short, we will not be saved. We must prepare for the worst, and those of us that survive must prepare to rebuild this nation. Seer of money Jim Cramer proclaims we must be ready to “scamper out of the abyss” and invest what we can into enchanted stocks of upness once the smoke clears.

Maybe we should start a survivalist trading coop that runs on the barter system. Or sell more gold to complete strangers.