"I Married Beneath Me"

Some people become aware on their wedding ceremony that their partner is inferior to them. This kind of awareness can prove to be disastrous for their future relationship. Can such awareness be tolerated, and can it be avoided? Can people live happily with such inequality?

The comparative value of the partner

"Comparison is the death of joy.” Mark Twain

In his excellent book, Passions within Reason, Robert Frank tells the following story about a woman who asked her colleague the following question: "Why is it that the people I fall in love with are never interested in me, whereas the ones who do fall in love with me are never the one I care about?" Her colleague replied: "You're an 8 constantly chasing after 10s, and constantly being chased by 6s." How could this woman know that she is an 8 and not a 7 or a 10? And should she stop dreaming about 9s?

Once you evaluate your partner to be inferior to you in an overall manner, you are faced with making a profound romantic compromise in terms of the partner's value as a person who exists independent of you. This evaluation might also be made by other people and the results might be compatible, as they often are. Thus, there might be wide agreement about whether the person is handsome or ugly, and whether the person is intelligent and has a sense of humor. We may think that we are superior to our partner in all aspects, or just in some significant ones. The compromise here does not refer to whether the person is suitable as a partner or whether the partner loves you, but whether the partner is, generally speaking, above, below, or equal to you or to other available partners. Marriage to a significantly "inferior" partner is a compromise that often leads to low marital quality and to divorce.

In this kind of compromise, you acknowledge the partner's inferiority compared to you or to other people, and this is very painful and insulting for both of you. This is often a non-starter for a long-term loving relationship, and such cases typically end in divorce after a relatively short time. Considering your partner to be inferior to you injects lethal poison into the relationship.

Quite often, in order to maintain one’s love for the inferior person, people (more so women) lower their own value, thereby facilitating their admiration for the partner, which is an important aspect of love. Such lowering may be a temporary superficial remedy, as the real compromise on the overall value of the person is likely to re-emerge soon.

Calculating the comparative value of a person is complex as it involves many features that all carry different weights. The comparison can refer to the perfect prince mounted on a white horse or it can be to the next door neighbor. Moreover, in evaluating the partner’s "score" we have some choice in allocating the relative weight of each characteristic, and hence the overall picture of this person can be positive. If this is not the case, and we feel we are compromising on the overall value of the partner, it expresses our sense of the profound inferiority of this person. It indicates that the partner “is not in our league.” Such an expression, which grades romantic partners like we grade beauty queens and football teams, is degrading and contrary to the great admiration of the beloved that is typical of profound romantic love.

Despite the complexity in calculating the comparative value of a partner, people are typically aware of it. When there is a dissonance between the one we are with and those we believe are feasible for us, we feel we are compromising and that we have got a raw deal. This negative attitude creates many difficulties in the relationship.

The equity theory

"If I were to begin a new serious relationship, I would go for the guy who could give me intimacy and some laughs." A married woman

The equity theory postulates that those involved in an inequitable romantic relationship consider themselves to be undeserving of the situation. This is the case both for the “over-compensated,” who feel guilty for receiving more from the relationship than they feel their partner does, as well as for the “under-compensated,” who feel indignant at being unappreciated or inadequately treated by their partner. Involvement in extramarital relationships can sometimes serve as a way of compensating for such inequity. The under compensated may perceive extramarital relationships as something they deserve because their spouse gets more from the marriage than they do, and in this sense they compromise. The over-compensated tend to be involved in extramarital relationships in order (a) to escape the unpleasant state of inequity, and (b) to prove to themselves and to their partner that they actually are deserving and attractive to the opposite sex, and in this sense their partners are not compromising by being with them.

“I looked down on my first husband. We only made it three years, but I resented him because I felt that being married to someone who was so much less than me was holding me back. We got married when I was 19 and I married him knowing that I didn't love him. Later on, I was discussing my ex-husband with my current husband and he asked me why I ever even told my ex that I loved him. All I could say was, he said it first and it seemed like the nice thing to say. I have gotten much better at expressing my proper emotions now. :)"

Even if a person decides not to make the comparative calculations, or at least not to behave according to them, the calculations can hunt her (or him) and prevent her from being satisfied with her love. As Miriam, a single woman, said: "I was in three long-term relationships, and there were always some discussions about marriage, but I always got out of the relationship before getting married. In the last case, it was about a month before the wedding date (and after the invitations had already been sent). In all these relationships, I felt that my partner was inferior to me. Now, I am merely looking for the 9s."

The main issue concerning romantic compromises is not merely, or even mainly, whether one is superior to the other, but whether one can get a better deal somewhere else. Romantic compromises are mainly about giving up pursuing more alluring options. In focusing upon those who are equal to you, you know that you will get the best FOR YOU. There are of course other people "who are objectively better" and whom you may adore more. However, these people will probably not love you the way your equal will do; accordingly, they are likely to be less satisfying romantic partners for you. Yearning for them is futile and destructive. Marrying your equal may prevent this type of compromise, although other types may still be present.

The sense that we deserve each other is important to avoid the feeling that we are making romantic compromises. In the short term, the inequities might give rise to great admiration and hence may increase love and sexual desire. Thus, people who can provide us with social status, such as the rich, the famous, and the powerful, will generate more intense sexual desire and sexual satisfaction.# However, in the long term, significant inequalities become problematic for both sides, whereupon superficial short-term goals (such as associating with a famous person) become of less importance. For example, the "higher status" person may begin to show a lack of reciprocity, which will eventually damage the "lower status" person’s love and could even generate negative emotions such as envy, jealousy, and anger.

Inequality in a certain domain, such as intellectual capacities, can be compensated for by an opposite inequality in another domain, for instance, kindness and caring. Consider the true story of Mary's parents.

Mary believes that intellectual inequality does not necessary ruin marriages: She said that she knew her father was not her mother's intellectual equal. She asked her mother why she married someone who was not intellectually equal to her. Her mother's response was: “If I need friends, I can find some. If I need money, I can get a job. If I need intellectual stimulation, I can go to college. However, your father took care of all my intimate needs—he never turned away from me in bed. I did not want to have to go out of the house to get my intimate needs met, and he met them.” The marriage lasted 32 years until her father's death.

The value of equality in intimate relationships is clear, but its determination may be complex. In some cases the gap is obvious and both partners are aware of it. In other cases, where love is absent, each partner thinks that she (or he) is the superior person and therefore the one who is making the compromise. In many cases of profound love, each person adores the partner and considers her/him to be almost perfect. Self-deception may be common in all cases.

It seems, however, that your comparative value is of less importance when the differences are minor and refer to different domains. They are disturbing only when they fill your mind and heart to the extent that you believe you are making a profound compromise.

Conclusions

"If you have an old habit of competing and comparing yourself with others, then you are still living your life like a sperm. GROW UP!!” Saurabh Sharma

Having an equal standing in a relationship is important for the long-term quality of the relationship. However, since there are various domains of comparison, e.g., kindness, attractiveness, wisdom, social status and a sense of humor, and since it is up to the lover to decide on the relative value of each domain, not considering your partner to be inferior to you depends, to a certain extent, on your values. Those values are not identical for all people. In genuine love, comparison does not exist; you love the person because what she (or he) is and not because of her comparative standing.

I couldn't have imagined a more unhelpful article about love and relationships.
I feel that the author clearly values the myriad of ways to judge, yes, judge, the partner, instead of putting the focus on LOVE. Love and the traits that drew the couple together.
At any moment, one of the partners could be physically mutilated or become professionally irrelevant. If we left every relationship because of inequality (vs a difference in values, etc),every relationship would end at some point.

Its INTERNAL-- and whats on the outside just
comes with it. Its aso true theres a creator of
such and will put two people together who have
similiar active mechanisms and compliment each other keeping
the "momentum" moving.

If you get mad about this article than you did not get it. People have needs, you either compromise those needs to marry (meaning you married an inferior and its half your fault anyway) you marry your equal (which I think is rare) Or you find ways to excuse your partners inferiority for the sake of harmony ie self deception/cognitive dissonance). Now this is all in your mind and has nothing to do with if the person is actually inferior. Its about a good match just for you. Our culture,family,friends and personal experiences all influence our values and ideals. They can not be erased.

It is stated that what we SHOULD accept we
then want to try to play
"standards" with -like we have the Superior
knowledge of what is best for us.

But its a MAJOR deception at its best and 9/10 times Proves
to destroy what IS Actually the best for us.
Trying to compare to what we think is a mental model of imagination
: and what is reality
apart from our Intellect, Financial status
Performance and Pride are two different
perspectives -- the one being a complete liar.

While we all need to be honest about the equality of our partners, the real problem is evaluating what "level" you are at compared to your significant other or potential significant other. Are you a narcissist? Well if you are (which frankly a couple examples felt fairly narcissistic to me), then you obviously aren't ever going to be satisfied.

Compounding this, is that there are so many things that go in to a "ranking." Looks, obviously, but also money, potential, personality, intelligence, etc. The bottom line for me, and as the poster above says, is that we tend to want what we can't have.. Also, frankly, I don't think humans are monogamous animals.

While we all need to be honest about the equality of our partners, the real problem is evaluating what "level" you are at compared to your significant other or potential significant other. Are you a narcissist? Well if you are (which frankly a couple examples felt fairly narcissistic to me), then you obviously aren't ever going to be satisfied.

Compounding this, is that there are so many things that go in to a "ranking." Looks, obviously, but also money, potential, personality, intelligence, etc. The bottom line for me, and as the poster above says, is that we tend to want what we can't have.. Also, frankly, I don't think humans are monogamous animals.

Spot on with your comment. Especially in regards to narcissism and the fact that we, as humans, are not meant to be monogamous. Could not have said it better myself.

Who is to say that one person is superior to another in a relationship? One person is better looking? One person is more intellectual? How about the person who is not as intellectual is a hell of a lot more humble and kind? I mean, we could go on forever.

Narcissism breeds discontent in a relationship. You place that with the inherent fact that humans are not meant to be monogamous and you have what we call today: modern Marriage.

What good is there dividing human beings into "value groups"? By which criteria? And how could such behaviour ever be justified? Let alone unquestioned?

This kind of thinking needs to be questioned. And exposed for what it is: very harmful, debasing, insulting, hurtful and downright nonsensical.

It only serves to divide, giving some people a merely shallow sense of value not based on an inner source of self-worth, but on fear. Fear of being judged, being divided into a lower "value bracket" than others. Thereby motivating to judge others like one would fear to be judged.

What is lost in the process? The capacity to love, to be loved, to appreciate another human being regardless of economic status or social standing. In other words, humanity and goodness.

This article motivates me to do some random acts of kindness. And reflect whether I myself have such thought patterns myself, which I've yet to rid myself of.

You're dissecting the Equality Theory on a conscious, emotional basis. But the underlying mate evaluation processes happens on a subconscious level (think of evolutionary psychology and mate selection strategies in primates).

A practical example:
One man, a choice between two women.
Woman A: Subjectively attractive to the man (let it be the looks, the intimacy qualities, the attention, the support ... whatever you like).
Woman B: Subjectively unattractive to the man (major turn offs).
And the man says: "I choose woman B, and I consciously choose to like her".
Absurd, isn't it?

I'm sorry anonymous, you are wrong. 1000's of years ago, relationships were not started or continued because of "love, compassion and truth." Anthropological evidence and even Biblical stories show historical relationships based in power, money and status. Your idealism of "love, compassion and truth" in relationship selection is fairly recent beginning with the Romanticism era.
In addition, their "lifetimes" barely extended past 30-40 years, not the 80+ we have now.
While I agree, it's not a valuable measurement for successful relationships, we should no delude ourselves in thinking marriage 1000 years ago was happy, fulfilling or "successful".

My ex-best friend, in terms of looks...went from a 5 to an 8 through cosmetic surgery, and in terms of financial status...went from a 6 to a 10 through monies from illegal pot-growing. And in terms of degree of personality change from when I met her and to what she had become...the change was significant...maybe 40 to 45% --- so she was nearly a different person.

With access to more money, she developed a superiority complex, which by the way should be listed as a mental disorder, because it can wreck tremendous havoc on the lives of others, anyway she ended up looking down on a lot of people, including her husband --- she dumped her husband, this was after she had an affair and got pregnant. This ex-best friend also thought being rich meant access to drugs, drinking and partying...you know what famous Hollywood people do...she wanted to be "cool". She became obsessed with her looks and showing off her wealth. Some rich people have class and have no need to be ostentatious...but she was having none of that! -- This added to her superficiality.

Of course our friendship didn't survive either --- how can you be friends with people who look down you??? Do I look like a slave or sycophant? I'm not desperate... AND thank you for this "REJECTION" --- back at you, because this REJECTION is RECIPROCAL. I choose my friends wisely...based on my values. Anyway we have not spoken or been in contact ever since, and this has been 10 years -- yet just a few months ago, she found me on LinkedIn and attempted to add me -- well I rejected her invitation. LOL.

Women constantly over-inflate their value and act like most men are beneath them.They do a really good job of deluding themselves into believing they actually deserve what they seek.Modern women are a piece of work.MEN constantly marry down,date down etc even when they can do better,women RARELY do the same.

Trying to Prove they are Of Higher Intellectual capacity than
men . But 1000s of years are against them proving that men truly are.

Many women are attempting to "Perform" as much as possible just to try to prove the case otherwise but are only running themselves
in the ground.

Its a very sad situation. Many also are using eduation to
try to do the same . They are even forfeiting mariage and children, motherly status to Just get recognition
as "intellectuals" .

Its never going to make any difference because every 2 women who are successful 10 more men will be added to the equation of balance , Its Unreal women are deceived by what they think and dont understand they cant change the pattern Facts of Gods design. shhhhh just let them do what they dont know,and deal with results they regret later on.

This is why many hate ,men, even on here read some of their comments towards Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. --who knows what Hes saying.

When you look at Johnsons comment on "Missed the point" from 07/11/13. Its not that they think men are beneath them or the article on "Whats with us and Butts? You have to understand that we are on the defensive and its not they you are beneath us but your attitudes?

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Men are higher than women. God made it that way. Its a fact. Thats the problem here. That being said. Women have be beaten down and kicked to the curb. I just want to survive and have my dignity. Respect is the key. If a woman can't respect you, you have no chance. These powerful woman want respect and power so they can have a sense of control over their lives? Then it gets out of control as they do not trust. It is a vicious cycle. Lets face it men are just as much to blame for this lack of trust.