Parents living with me now as Dad has Alzheimer’s & now Mum has recently also been diagnosed! What should I do?

They live with me & my family of 5. I has become very stressful & I truly need some suggestions about the best home-care options for them. My mother refuses to place dad into a care facility but they constantly argue & bicker at each other & it is taking a toll on my well-being, my marriage & my teenage sons. Looks like I will now have to give up my part-time job ( which gave me my sanity) & remain at home to care for them both....Help!!?? My boys are very sporty & play a lot of representative sport but now I am finding that difficult to manage. My life has been turned upside down but I love my parents & want what’s best for them in a caring home environment. What should I do, who should I talk to......Any suggestions??

Answers

Wow that's a lot! I Know your heart was in the right place when you took this on. And I don't doubt for a minute, that has changed.

However, on one hand you've got two boys you brought into the world. They came in as blank slates and it's up to you to prepare them for life in this crazy world. A big part of that is spending physical time with them, being their cheerleader at games, involved in their school careers and so much more. They are embarking on many, many years of life ahead. And what you do now will make all the difference in who and what they become.

On the other hand you have 2 people who have had a long life. They've done things, raised kids, had careers, ran homes, took vacations.... their experiences seem endless. But now they're petering out, winding down, coming to the end. (Don't mean to be morbid)

Where should you invest your energy?Believe me, you will never get these years back with your boys. And you'll never forgive yourself if you drop the ball.Best wishes.

Lynnocarer, planning meals, shopping, cooking meals, serving them, and cleaning up after them for 8 people is a full-time job. Add to that laundry for that many people and basic housekeeping. Now throw in a part-time job outside of the home. How much energy is leftover for the high-priority tasks, like maintaining a loving marriage and nurturing adolescents? Oh, and by the way, take care of two persons with dementia.

This is just crazy, Lynn. No matter how much love you have for all the people involved, your energy level is finite. You don't have more than the 24 hours each day that we all get.

FF points out that many elder parents don't see what is happening to their grown children by having them be their caregivers. True. And in this scenario your parents have a perfectly valid reason for not seeing this. They both have dementia. Their brains are broken. You can't expect them to be the household members that make the well-reasoned, logical decisions. That is the role that you and your husband must take on. It may feel odd and even disloyal to make decisions for your parents. But that is the reality of this situation.

What is your parents' financial situation? That always impacts the options available. Are they paying room and board? Are they paying for caregiving? Would they qualify for Medicaid? Can they afford to pay for care in a facility?

Perhaps you could find a house that has an APT IN THE BACK if determined to keep them at home. If not, it is time to have that serious-time to look into assisted living-conversation. Be prepared for many NO's. The agency on aging usually has a year or two wait list, so get them on it NOW, they base their offers of help on how medically involved they are, so if you can stretch the truth a little or a lot, or have a doctor fill out form for you (they will require it) do it. And DO NOT give up the job if you like it, you need that away time!

Lynn, if you are determined to keep your parents at home, you need to understand that you can't possibly take care of two frail, demented elders by yourself. You certainly can't do it while having enough time, energy and resources to devote to your most important job, being a parent.

What are your parents'needs and what are their resources? Call up your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a " needs assessment". Then you'l have a better idea of the Ad Ls they need assistance with. The AAA should also be able to point you to resources Medicaid, etc., ) that your parents may qualify for.

If your parents have income, this should be used to hire help! You can't do this alone.

It's great that you love your parents and want what's best for them, but is that the same as what's best for YOUR family? Also, taking care of two demented elders for who knows how many years sounds like a sure way to ruin your own health, marriage, finances, and possibly drive your kids away into the bargain. I think you should research other options.

Do not to give up your part time job- for a lot of reasons - better to hire help - your children are your primary responsibility and your health - your well being first will allow you to be there for them and their activities My Mom's nurse was fantastic - she also knew how to deal with dementia , loss of a loved one and depression - we were so grateful - it was worth every penny - I hope you can find someone who can be that for you if you choose that option

My mum was caring for him but now she’s flat out caring for herself. She can’t cook & everything is left up to me. I now cook for 8 people constantly. Mum used to help out with the washing but now that is beyond her.

Lynn, do NOT give up your part-time job. Otherwise you will be enabling your parents even more to a point where your sons would need to give up sports to help you out with the care.

Is your Mom your Dad's main caregiver? Or do you find yourself doing all of the work? Learn to say "sorry, I can't possibly do that" over and over in front of the mirror until you feel comfortable saying that.

Sadly, so many elder parents don't see what is happening to their grown children by having them be their caregivers. I know my parents had no clue how exhausting it was for me as neither of them had to care for their own elderly parents. They lived under their own roof being in their 90's, and I was living under my own roof. I was on pins and needles waiting for the telephone to ring, hardly got any sleep for a number of years, which took a toll on my health :(

As many of us here had to do, we needed to wait until there was a medical emergency where the parent needed to be in ER, then into Rehab, and then into a continuing care facility.

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