going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

french fries

things are starting to deteriorate rapidly now.

like my confidence. or perhaps conviction is the better word.

kit has been a saint. providing a haven on the weekends, letting me crash in her super cushy rec room basement, and letting me hang out all day and night. feeding me, beering me. taking me out, going out with me, getting me out of the house.

listening to my incessant dribble. wanting to slap sense into me and strangle me, because half of what i say to her is total nonsense.

i'm a smart girl. and i'm making a logical decision. but my head and my heart keep making me waver.

essentially, i feel like a moronic asshole.

i'm fine when i'm not home. but when i have to see ever, and what i'm doing to him, i backpedal and it makes me feel insane.

i wish i didn't have a heart. i wish i didn't have a conscience. i wish i didn't love him despite all of his bullshit.

he is manipulating me. he is trying to keep me with him by not doing anything but talking to me. he tells me all of the things i will miss.

i feel fine when i'm not home, which is why i'm now rarely home. he's only here to make it more difficult for me to leave.

i'm moving out.

this weekend.

and he says that when i go, i can never come back. and i will be divorced. i will not be his wife anymore.

my dreams have been messing with me. making me feel like i'm making decisions based on the people i dream about.

because it's all happening very fast. i mean, this has been a slow progression. but now things are moving at light speed.

i feel like i'm on the edge of a cliff, trying to talk myself into jumping. but also occasionally trying to talk myself down.

it's one thing to say 'this is going to be hard.'

and it's another thing to hear, repeatedly, 'you're doing the right thing.' from the people who have seen the way i ended up here, who know me the best.

and it's yet another thing to hear 'you're leaving me because you don't want to be married to me anymore.'

on sunday, all i wanted was to talk to my mom. it's like, i want my mom to tell me i'm doing the right thing.

and i'm so scared that she's not going to.

but i almost called her.

because i felt myself losing it. and i felt myself thinking that i'm doing things too quickly. that this is all happening too fast, and that i'm forcing it to.

i wonder if i would be here now, packing, if he hadn't said the thing about moving out in two weeks. he was the one who put it in my head. and i told him that. i was content to stay until may, when we would have had time to detangle, and plan.

and when i'm questioning my decisions and my motives, i wonder, 'am i doing this because of coffee? am i doing this because i want to take my rings off and be single? am i doing this so i can go out as much as i want, and not have to answer to anyone? am i being a rebellious teen at 32?'

i tell myself that i'm not. and then i have dreams which make me think otherwise.

and nina nailed it. i'm swimmy. every day i think, 'what the fuck am i doing?' and then, 'this is what i have to do to be happy.' and also, 'i have put up with enough.' and 'if he loved me, and really wanted to work on our marriage, he'd have done more to save it, before i told him i'm leaving.' and ultimately, 'he's never going to change, this isn't what i signed up for. this isn't who i want to be married to.'

to anyone who isn't married to ever, it is incredibly easy to see. and to me, the majority of the time, it's very clear.

but people are starting to find out. and it sucks having to explain to people who see us as some kind of pioneering power couple that we're not really a couple. he's told his mom. most of our friends.

and i'm starting to get scared.

everywhere i go, i see happy couples. people who are holding hands and kissing on each other.

friday night, we went out. and i actually switched my rings to the other hand. for about an hour.

i don't know why i did it.

practice?

by this weekend, they'll be back in the box he gave them to me in. and i stare at my hand, without the rings on them. and it makes me sad. and i don't know why.

saturday night, kit and i went to poker night. and it really got to me.

because this couple hosted, who i'd never met before. and they have this adorable infant. and the wife passed the baby off to me. and i held him and fought tears. he smelled like a baby. and i could not remember the last time i held a new baby. it's probably been 8 or 9 years.

i felt so sad because sometimes i want that to be my life, but feel like it is not even close to an option with ever. and i don't want a kid now. but that baby made me realize how far i am from that. i'm starting over now. to try to get to that place.

and when the wife put the baby to bed for the night, and he cried, the husband got up to tend to him. after making dinner for her, that we all collectively put a dent in.

and that is what i want.

and that is what i will never have if i stay here.

because i can kid myself into thinking that ever would change. or get there someday.

but he won't. he says that he would when we are ready, but i don't believe him. because every morning when i leave to go to work for the day, there's a puddle of pee and a pile of shit that the dog left somewhere because he didn't take her out before going to bed. and an empty carton of ice cream, or an empty bag of cereal because he doesn't care enough about himself to eat a real meal.

he's trying to buy time with me, to show me that he can be a better husband. and after seven years, most of the time, i believe i have given him more than enough time. but on sunday, after a day of talking, upon returning home from kit's place, he just wants more time. and somedays i feel like i owe it to him. and sometimes i just know that it's a waste of another month of my life.

he wants more time. to do what, i don't know.

it feels like delaying the inevitable, so i say i'm leaving now. it's felt like delaying the inevitable for months now.

i reminded myself yesterday of the first time i heard transatlanticism, this summer. laying on the back deck, in the sun, with headphones. and crying when i heard title and registration for the first time. because it so encapsulated how i felt. there's no blame for how our love did slowly die, but now that it's gone, it's like it was never there at all. and being in my happiest place, in the sun, crying. because i wasn't happy then.

moving on...

i have a sweet sublet. for almost two months. starting this weekend. and i feel like i should be more excited than i am. i cannot count the number of nights that i have spent trying to picture a life outside of this house. an apartment. and though this isn't my apartment, it's somewhere i can be, outside of this house and this life for the first two months of what is to be a dark period, a very harsh transition.

but in a month or two, i will find the apartment that will be my little haven. the place that is my own. with furniture i chose and bought. with walls that i painted. that is mine.

and someday, i'll return all the favors that my friends are doing for me right now. i feel like i'm bleeding them all dry. (like YOU, reader...)

i'll be listening. i'll be comforting. i'll be letting someone crash with me while they figure out what to do with their life.

and i'll be smarter than i am now, with this behind me.

i've been living off french fries for days now. it's disgusting. it is my comfort food. and my stomach is PISSED:

fries for dinner on friday.

fries for late breakfast on saturday. fries for late night dinner on saturday.

fries for lunch today.

i cannot get comfortable, despite all the comfort food.

and he is not helping me.

somehow, when i came home tonight and said, 'i'll be moving out on friday or saturday', he was still surprised.

i am not sure what my future will hold.

but in an effort to never again settle, and to remember that this is what settling gets me...

the list:

1. hopeless romantic? at least cares enough to try to do something romantic.2. makes out, hugs, cuddles, spoons3. stargazer4. spends time with my friends5. does things i want to do6. social7. drinks (not to excess); smokes as much as i do (not forever...)8. schooled? career-focused, or headed that way9. cooks10. cleans11. wants a kid, someday12. takes care of himself13. smells good14. takes care of me15. happy/well adjusted16. smiles (giggling is a bonus)17. writer is a bonus18. appreciates art, creates it is a bonus19. appreciates music20. enjoys holidays21. financially stable (not the same as rich/well off/loaded)22. will do half of everything i do; joint effort23. enjoys a game night (scrabble/poker/etc)24. doesn't work from home

this list makes me wish that i liked women. this would be so much easier to find, if that were the case.

and for the next six months, i promise not to look for this person. because first, i need to do all of these things alone, for myself. and if it's not applicable, then i need to be okay with not having them for a while.

i need to be comfortable when i am alone. and i need to heal and grow and become a better version of myself. and i still have to try to figure out who i am. besides a divorcee who ran away.

someday i'll be ready for love again.

to be in love again. because, really, that is the difference. i want to be in love again.

the list has changed a little since i was 19. but i had the right idea then. and when i revisit the old list, i still think i want all of those things, too. but i grew up a little. and didn't realize that so many simple things were missed the first time around.

and now, if i can just hold myself to it.

someday, i will be happy again. someday i will be happy again. someday i will be happy again. someday i will be happy again. someday i will be happy again.

(yes, i actually typed that out. no cut and paste here)

someday, after this is all over, I WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN.

and this is the path that will lead me there. it sucks right now. but it won't forever.