I Love Television™

It's NoSharknado!

Look. Somebody needs to tell the Discovery Channel's Shark Week (returning Sun Aug 4) that they are no Sharknado. Yes, I'm sure it burns their wrinkly bits that Syfy's insanely popular TV movie—about a tornado that scoops up hungry sharks and dumps them right in the middle of fat, juicy Los Angeles—is stealing Shark Week's thunder... but C'MON! There is absolutely no way that an actual documentary about actual scientifically realistic sharks can beat a "Sharknado," because.... it's SHARKS. Eating the ass out of people from inside a TORNADO.

However, it looks like Discovery Channel is going to give it the old college try by debuting 11 new sharktacular specials this coming week—ones they hope will give Sharknado a run for its shark money! (Yeah, yeah, I know... sharks don't use money. BLOOD IS THEIR CURRENCY.) Anyway, check out these new Shark Week specials:

• Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives (debuts Sun Aug 4, 9 pm). Mmmmm, okay, that's a pretty good title for a shark documentary that doesn't involve tornadoes. BUT! Even though this is about the controversial theory of a 60-foot prehistoric Megalodon shark responsible for a murder spree off the coast of South Africa? Sadly, it's no Sharknado. Maybe they can add a typhoon? And call it Megalophoon?

• Sharkpocalypse (debuts Thurs Aug 8, 9 pm). Apparently, fatal shark attacks have been on the rise, and this documentary explores the environmental changes that could be pushing hungry sharks closer to shore... which in turn could supposedly cause a "Sharkpocalypse"? Look, that's a pretty good name, but... what does "sharkpocalypse" even mean? Will Shark Jesus come out of the ocean to scoop up all the good sharks into shark heaven while the "Four Horsesharks of the Sharkpocalypse" terrorize the sinful sharks left behind? Sorry guys, because... IT'S STILL NO SHARKNADO. Next!

• Alien Sharks of the Deep (debuts Thurs Aug 8, 10 pm). NOW WE'RE TALKING... wait. This is about scientists descending into the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean to look for the world's weirdest sharks—for example, the goblin shark and giant megamouth shark. But I was thinking it was going to be about scientists who descend into the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean and find SEXY ALIEN MOON DOLL SHARKS! Here's the breakdown: Attractive sharks with female genitalia have been hiding on the dark side of the moon for centuries. But now they're going extinct, so they must send down a squadron of sexy alien moon doll sharks to steal sperm from underwater scientists. Omigod, this is the best idea EVER! Get me Syfy on the phone! And while you're at it... Cinemax!