How to train for ultras

1. Wake up in the middle of the night, just as your wife tells you her water broke.

2. Stay awake for 33 straight hours in the hospital.

3. Have a baby.

4. Sign up for a celebratory ultra, because you have two weeks of paternity leave from work, and you should be able to get in plenty of running, which will assuredly launch you into a summer of unprecedented fitness and solidify your dedication to a rigorous training plan.

5. Change your Instagram bio to “Runner, Writer, Dad”

5. Go to bed on night one and set your alarm for 5am, so you can get your run in before the baby wakes up.

6. Awake at 11pm to a crying baby

7. Awake at 12:00am to a crying baby

8. Awake at 1, 2, 3, and 4am to a crying baby

9. Wake the baby up at 5am with your alarm clock

10. Officially wake up at 7am

11. Eat 3 breakfast sandwiches

12. Hold the baby

13. Fall asleep on the couch

14. Have coffee and pizza for lunch

15. Set your alarm for 5am

16. Spend most of the night awake

17. Turn off your alarm at 3:45am

18. Stay awake with the baby until 5am

19. Repeat for 12 more days

20. Repeat for 2 months

21. Email the race director and say you can’t make it because “some family stuff has come up for that weekend.”