10 ways to recover from an unhappy childhood

Diana* knew she was a walking time bomb. On any checklist of risk factors for heart disease and other killers, she ranked alarmingly high. Thirty pounds overweight, she had high blood pressure and soaring cholesterol. Her only exercise was walking to her car. She was also prone to depression, had chronic stress-related gastritis, and was a two-pack-a-day smoker. She knew she had to change her health habits. "But I just couldn't do it," she says. "Every time I made some progress, I'd lose control and end up back where I started in no time."

What turned things around was an insightful physician who linked Diana's physical condition to her traumatic childhood. When Diana was 4 years old, her father died before her eyes. Two years later, her mother married a violent alcoholic. Diana was forced to watch him beat her mother and brother on a regular basis. She also witnessed her mother's suicide attempt. "I couldn't really work on improving my health until I came to terms with all the pain and anger I'd suppressed as a child," Diana explains. "It was eating away at me."

What do early traumas have to do with health decades later? "Adverse childhood experiences underlie the most common causes of death in the US," says Vincent J. Felitti, MD, an internist at the Southern California Permanente Medical Group in San Diego. In a survey of more than 20,000 adults, Dr. Felitti and his colleagues from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that those who suffered physical, psychological, or emotional abuse as children, or were raised in households marked by violence, substance abuse, mental illness, or criminal behavior, were far more likely to develop serious illnesses as adults—everything from diabetes and bronchitis to cancer and heart disease.

"Adverse childhood experiences are likely to produce anger, anxiety, and depression," says Dr. Felitti. "To the degree that behavior such as overeating, smoking, and substance abuse are found to be effective coping devices, they would tend to be used chronically." Not exactly a recipe for wellness.

But that's only one way that traumatic experiences can destroy your health. "The chronic stress of unresolved emotional pain wreaks havoc on your immune and circulatory systems, cardiac function, hormone levels, and other physical functions," says psychiatrist Harold H. Bloomfield, MD, author of Making Peace with Your Past (HarperCollins, 2000). And it's not just childhood adversity that does the damage, he notes. The upheavals of adolescence and the losses and letdowns of adulthood also eat away at the body's resistance.

"We must make peace with our past," asserts Dr. Bloomfield, "because our life may literally depend on it."

*Names have been changed

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10 Ways to Heal the PastThe good news is that our body and brain are remarkably resilient; we are fully capable of healing old wounds and reversing the damage of past adversity.

Here are 10 ways to rewrite your life story:

1. Reframe the past. "To the extent that you can find value in past adversity, you can neutralize its harmful effects and foster healing," says Dr. Bloomfield. You don't have the power to change the past, but you can control how you experience it now. Instead of responding in the same habitual way when disturbing incidents come to mind, pause, and take a deep breath. Then reinterpret them. Ask yourself "How did that experience make me stronger? What important life lessons did it teach me?"

2. Break the shackles of shame. Unlike remorse or guilt, shame isn't about feeling bad for what you've done but rather for what you are. "Shame is the cancer of the spirit," says Dr. Bloomfield. "It makes you feel worthless and unlovable, undeserving of happiness."

A common result of an abusive childhood, shame leads us to make "psychic promises" to ourselves in an attempt to alleviate the agony. For example: "I'll be just like my parents, then they'll treat me better." Or: "If I shut down all my feelings, I won't have to feel this pain." Or: "I'll always be nice so no one will hurt me again."

To stop these hidden contracts from destroying you, Dr. Bloomfield offers this advice. "Identify the promises you made, and give yourself permission to break them. And always remember that shame is a lie. You are worthy of love and respect."

3. Release the pain. Research shows that those who write about past traumas heal faster from illnesses, visit their doctor less often, and have stronger immune systems. "Set aside some time, and write letters to everyone who ever hurt you," suggests Dr. Bloomfield. No one needs to see these letters but you, so no holding back, censoring yourself, or worrying about spelling and grammar. Just let out all the rage that's been festering inside, contaminating your system.

4. Stop the slow acid drip of regret. The constant repetition of "If only ... " and "I should have ... " can destroy your health as well as your peace of mind. "An important aspect of healing is to stop punishing yourself for past mistakes," says Dr. Bloomfield. Instead, forgive yourself, learn the right lessons, and resolve to act differently in the future. Look back at the regrettable actions; recall who you were at the time. What did you know? What didn't you know? What were your actual choices? By reviewing the complete scenario, you might discover that you did okay under the circumstances.

5. Move from grief to gain.The emotional wounds of a devastating loss are as real as a contusion or a broken bone, says Dr. Bloomfield. Mending them requires moving through the three phases of grief: first, shock and denial; followed by anger, fear, and sadness; and finally, understanding and acceptance. You can get stuck in stage one, denying your pain or numbing your feelings. Or you can move through that stage, only to bog down in chronic depression, anger, or fear. In either case, the healing is incomplete.No matter how long ago the loss occurred, it's crucial to allow yourself to feel the emotions you may have suppressed. If you've lost a loved one, try writing that person a farewell letter, giving yourself permission to express everything that comes up-not just the sadness and love, but the rage, terror, and other emotions you may feel wrong for having.

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6. Practice acceptance. Nothing perpetuates the impact of old hurts more than rehashing them in your mind. It's like watching the same movie over and over again in the hope that the ending will change. "Bemoaning your fate does not help you heal the past," says Dr. Bloomfield. "Peace comes from accepting what was for what it was and moving on."

7. Cultivate gratitude. Even better than acceptance is gratitude. No matter what happened in the past, remind yourself that you have gifts to be thankful for. You may even find that you're grateful for your troubles because of what you learned from them.

8. Break the habit of blame. Blaming your problems on people and events from your past means that you're not responsible for anything that happens to you, it protects you from self-doubt, and it brings you the cozy sympathy of others. But on the other hand, it leads to chronic resentment, which is damaging to your mental and physical health.

"Blame is not something you heal," says Dr. Bloomfield. "It's something you choose to stop doing." Ending the bitterness of blame, he stresses, does not necessarily mean letting those who hurt you off the hook. You don't have to forgive them or reconcile with them. It simply means catching yourself in the act of blaming so you can break that self-destructive habit and take charge of your own well-being.

9. Find inner peace. No matter how traumatic your past has been, you can always find a peaceful place inside you, says Dr. Bloomfield. If you can tap that source, you can stop stress from building up, allowing your mind to clear for new solutions. There are countless ways to create calm: yoga, meditation, a walk in nature, a hot aromatic bath, a good massage, some soothing music, prayer, deep breathing, pleasant memories, and so on. In addition, suggests Dr. Bloomfield, when disturbing thoughts about the past rise up and snap at you, distract yourself: Focus on the physical sensation of breathing in and out, mentally recite a word such as "peace," or place your hand on a nearby object and focus on the textures that you feel.

10. Create a satisfying future. As the old saying goes, living well is the best revenge. A great way to make peace with your past is to become the person you always wanted to be. The grip of old patterns and perceptions may be so strong that you feel like a helpless victim. In fact, you are the author of your own life story, and you can start a new chapter anytime you choose.

Dr. Bloomfield recommends taking some time to visualize your life as you want it to be, then spell it out in writing. A day or two later, read your vision with a practical eye, e.g., What do you have to do to make that dream come true? Which goals can you achieve this year? What steps can you take now?

You can create a life that is so fulfilling, so rich with meaning and purpose, says Dr. Bloomfield, "that the pain of the past loses its sting."

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Is the Past Hurting Your Health?

To assess how much the echoes of the past are disturbing your peace in the present, answer yes or no to the following questions:

Are you holding a grudge against someone who hurt you?

Do you think "Oh no, here I go again!" when personal problems arise?

Are you plagued by thoughts such as "If I'd only ... " or "I wish I hadn't ... "?

Do you feel ashamed of things you've done?

Were you abandoned or abused (physically or verbally) as a child?

Do you wish you could apologize to someone and be forgiven?

Do you wish you could set the record straight about certain things?

Do you often look back at your life and wonder what went wrong?

In your mind, do you confront people from the past and finally tell them off?

Do you replay old incidents and imagine better outcomes?

Do you often feel like an innocent victim of fate?

Does thinking about the "good old days" make you sad about the present?

Are you still grieving the loss of a loved one?

Does a voice in your head call you worth-less, defective, despicable, or unlovable?

Are you avoiding intimacy for fear of being hurt again?

The more yes answers you have, the more likely it is that old issues and traumatic incidents are jeopardizing your health-and the more urgent it is to make peace with your past.