What to do about Kirsten Gillibrand? The in-over-her-head upstate legislator (read: hot hick), whom Gov. Paterson foolishly catapulted into the Senate, cannot be kicked. She might cry. And she can’t be reasoned with. Her skull might explode.

To say Gillibrand has failed in the year she’s spent warming New York’s unofficial “woman’s seat,” a perch formerly occupied by the cravenly ambitious Hillary Rodham Clinton, is too kind.

For Gillibrand has stepped her dainty foot into all manner of mess — throwing support behind the shysters at ACORN, and championing a health-care bill that’s ruinous to New York.

But when she’s asked to justify her intake of oxygen, Gillibrand simply leans, like a girl, on her BFFs — Sen. Chuck Schumer, who aches for a dame he can overshadow, and President Obama, who’s not shy about begging for health-care votes.

As a woman, I’m offended.

Gillibrand’s pratfalls are many. She faked a “senior moment” — denying she heard her hot-tempered colleague, Schumer, calling a flight attendant “bitch.” She was one of just seven senators who voted to keep funding the whorehouse promoters at ACORN, saying the group that tried to help a house of ill repute evade taxes was needed in these dark economic times. I want a job there.

Gillibrand is a frothy confection that dissolves in your hands as you try to pin her down. Not a serious person. But don’t mess with her. Because in this crazy state, a female you can play like an iPod is worth 10 Hillarys.

Gillibrand now faces a potential primary rival for the seat she doesn’t deserve. He is Harold Ford Jr., who spent five terms serving Congress from Tennessee, to Gillibrand’s one. He’s a recent transplant to New York. He once attended a — OMG! — Playboy party.

More importantly, he sits in the political middle. A lonely place for Dems.

Yet Gillibrand’s greatest protector is none other than Schumer, who loves her not for her brain.

After years of chafing in Hillary’s shadow, and after months spent fearing he might again just get lost in the klieg lights of Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, Schumer wants, desperately, to be the state’s rock star. Kirsten doesn’t hog the remote.

The Obama administration took the weird step of meddling in a state race, piping up for the senator. “We’re supporting her re-election,” said press secretary Robert Gibbs. Could it be because Gillibrand socked Mayor Bloomberg and Paterson by praising the Senate’s precious health-care bill? A bill that would shut city clinics and punch a billion-dollar hole in the state budget? Why does everyone hate New York?

Awww, Kirsten said of health care. It’s not that bad!

Only ex-Love Gov Eliot Spitzer says the empress has no clothes. But it’s unclear whether his condemnation will hurt Gillibrand — or help her.

A feminist pal of mine broke ranks with her sisters — for Gillibrand supports abortion rights, the feminist litmus test.

“If this is the best woman that exists, then I want a sex change,” she joked.

Women, unite! And dump this loser.

Beat charlie to the punch

Charlie Sheen is a lucky accused mother clubber.

Two weeks after his alleged Christmas Day knife attack on wife Brooke Mueller (above, with Charlie), he started filming a new season of “Two and a Half Men.” Brooke wants to kiss and make up. No Tiger Woods-style exile for this cretin.

Brooke should read up on her hubby’s history of picking on girls, circa 1996, when he beat and humiliated his porn-star girlfriend, Brittany Ashland. The details of the case don’t appear on the Internet, but I won’t soon forget them.

Sheen smashed Brittany’s face on the floor of his house, shattering a tooth and splitting her lip so badly, she needed eight stitches. In pain and terrorized, Brittany begged for her mother. Sheen taunted her, “There’s nothing your mother can do for you now!” Nice.

When he was done, his lawyer took a turn, claiming in court that Brittany deserved what she got because she was a slut. Isn’t her sexual past the reason Charlie chose her?

Still, a loser La La Land judge convicted Sheen of a misdemeanor and sentenced him to community service. Unclear whether he also got tucked into bed.

Run away, Brooke. If you value your safety.

Liberals: Reid it and weep

The hypocrisy from the left is mind-blowing.

Not since Jesse Jackson derided New York as a Jew-filled “Hymietown” in 1984 have we heard such racist rot from the lips of men who should know better.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called Barack Obama a “light-skinned” guy who spoke with “no Negro dialect.” What was he really trying to convey?

1. The light skin to which Reid referred admiringly — or “bright” skin, to unearth another old skin-color slur — said that, in Harry’s world, Obama was an acceptable human being. A shade or two darker, and Reid would have thrown Obama into the wood chipper.

2. The “no Negro dialect” meant that, to Reid, Obama was educated. Or, at least, well-trained. Reid saw the first serious African-American candidate for president as not a full person, but as an attractive, ’50s-style throwback, willing to perform as he was told.

Shades of Mel Gibson! Jesse Jackson was rightly condemned as anti-Semitic, and his political career never fully recovered. But Reid has been embraced by Democrats, most freakishly Al Sharpton, who would have demanded the ouster of a Republican who spoke as Reid did. Wasn’t Don Imus’ “nappy-headed ‘ho” rant just Reid-speak in reverse?

But Al said Reid’s remarks should not become a “distraction.” From what? From passing the kind of big-government legislation that Sharpton & Co. crave like candy.

Bill Clinton got a free pass from feminists when he helped himself to an intern, because he supported abortion rights. And Reid is untouchable because he’s a liberal in a party desperate for them.

That is hypocrisy. Reid should be censured.

Fat chance.

NYers suddenly high on NJ

Potheads, rejoice! Now that medical marijuana is going legal in New Jersey, folks on this side of the Hudson are looking kindly on the much-maligned home of Tony Soprano and “Jersey Shore.” Meanwhile, officials here are nervous that weed will be resold on our streets and in our schoolyards.

It’s bad for kids. And it’s bad for business — dealers won’t like splitting profits with the medical profession. So maybe it’s high time to join a burgeoning group of California pot profiteers known as “marijuana millionaires.”

Conan doesn’t rate our pity

Stop whining! Conan O’Brien is a fabulously wealthy, incredibly lucky (and unfunny) man who’s carrying on as if the world owes him TV time at 11:35 p.m. It’s about the ratings, stupid.

If Conan can’t deliver, move to midnight. Or, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out.