Tuesday, March 29, 2016

IT's ALL LIES!!!!

I hesitated posting this, but if it helps one person, then it's worth it. I have several friends who think they are unworthy, and I struggle with this often. We are all worthy. However and wherever we learned this sense of not being enough, we need to dispel those thoughts and replace them. Even in the 21st century, I see ads, articles, billboards that revere beauty and success that most people can only dream of. Maybe it is all a dream.

As I was pondering the mistakes I made in yesterday's performance, I asked myself why the first thing I thought about after my bow was not what I did right; but what I did wrong. Why do we do that to ourselves? (Maybe it's just me). This morning at 2.17 a.m., I stumbled on this list I wrote after being totally inspired by The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement books I've read multiple times. The former talks about why our self-talk gets us in trouble and the latter tells us what to do about it. Yeah, right. Easier said than done, folks, but so true nonetheless.

I wrote the list about what I need to do for my next performance to make it "perfect." Hah. That word should be banished from any dictionary in any language. That word haunts me every day. I have learned to forgive how I learned it, but it's still in my subconscious rearing its ugly head just when I thought I had buried it.

The list below is not to criticize any group or philosophy; it is to bring to light the lies I grew up with, many of which are totally laughable in a pathetic kind of way. For women especially, look at the kinds of things many young girls were taught in the 40s and 50s before someone figured out how wrong they were. These were not just lies taught by our families of origin; they were in the headlines, women's magazines, work places, songs, advertisements. Where were the authors of the above books in 1956?!

As I analyze my performance of yesterday afternoon, some of these lies still creep into my thinking, and I have to stop and say, "NO NO NO! NOT TRUE!"

Lies I was taught growing up:

If you’re not perfect, you’re unworthy.

God punishes bad girls.

Good girls don’t pout, disobey, they follow the rules (regardless of whether the rules are lies.)

Money is important to status and success.

Being wealthy is important.

Accomplishment is more important than the kind of person you are.

If you don’t accomplish, you are unworthy, lazy.

Thin is beautiful.

Beautiful is the standard.

Not beautiful is unworthy.

Perfection is the goal; imperfection is due to not working hard enough.

Never follow the crowd; always be a leader. Leaders are worthy; followers are not.

Never do anything any less than excellent.

Average is failure.

Not standing out from the crowd is mediocre, and mediocre is failure.

Not being productive is bad. It is lazy, unacceptable.

Losing is bad. If you lose, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Swearing is ignorant.

No status is failure. You must have a title and be recognized.

Average is bad.

You must have or do something that stands out from others; otherwise, you are just mediocre, and you have failed.

Winning is everything. If you don’t win, you are a loser.

All As are expected. Less than that is imperfection, and imperfection means unworthy.

Being idle is being lazy.

Fat people are lazy.

5th agreement = DOUBT. Doubt is the tool to dispel the lies and set you free. UNLEARN the rules, replace them with your own, and be free to be worthy and happy.

What lies are you living with? How are they stunting your emotional peace of mind? What can you do to purge yourself of them?

P.S. The most comforting words I heard yesterday came in a private message from a former student whom I have not seen for 30 years. His words were like salve on a wound. Who knows where our comfort may come from? Sometimes it's from a random stranger you talk to in a grocery line; sometimes it's from a voice from your past with whom you connect. I want to be that voice.

About Me

I am a retired French and Humanities teacher from Michigan living in the south. I am married with four daughters and ten grandchildren. My husband and I travel frequently abroad and to visit our children and family. I do almost nothing I don't want to do. The luxury of retirement is doing anything you want anytime you want and quitting if you don't like it.

I spend most of my time writing, facilitating or attending meetings, working out, having lunch with friends, preparing speeches to deliver to local organizations and researching and practicing for my next one-woman show, "Fine and Dandy: The Story of George Gershwin."

I see the humor in life, the good in people, and my mantra is: LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS; SPREAD THE VIRUS!