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January 20, 2010

American Idol Season 9 | Auditions - Orlando

So we're in Orlando for the next round of American Idol auditions. This show is too "Reality" for me. Let's cut to the CHASE. We're shown how the boys are in Miami and late to the auditions - while Kara makes BFF's with Kristen Chenoweth, the guest judge.

So first up is this insane homosexual named Theo Glinton. He is INSANITY. He sings Pat Benetar's HeartBreaker and it's not entirely bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's BAD. But it wasn't as bad as I expected. WHO DOES KARA THINK SHE IS? Like why is she giving this guy fashion tips and life lessons? I love Ryan Seacrest. Love him.

Kara is really fake. She seriously is like the type of person who would do whatever she has to do to make it to the top. That's what I think of her.

Seth Rollins is married with two kids. His son has autism and American Idol shares his little story. I'm pretty sure he's going to be good. The son cries as he goes into the audition room. Singing Frank Sinatra, he's really NOT that good. He sounds like he needs to clear his throat. Not a fan, but he'll make it through. Kara said, "I wanted to keep listening to you. And that, is the greatest compliment I can pay someone." Bitch.

Jermaine Purifoy auditioned back in season 7, but he didn't make it. He looks like a cross between Usher and Ludacris. Good audition. I'm into it. Wow, that was a crazy greeting by his family! One of his brothers actually fell over.

Shelby Dressel is a really pretty girl. She has had a nerve disorder since she was younger where the right side of her face doesn't really move. But she's still pretty to me. But odd looking. Is that weird? Her voice is really good but I'm just being real here - it's weird to look at her. I CAN'T. She forgets the words, but everyone gets a good laugh. She gets through to Hollywood and she can't even believe it. It's cute.

I just caught myself grinning ear to ear during the montage of everyone getting through to Hollywood -- but stopped myself when they cut to Shelby and realized that she'd never be able to grin ear to ear. Sigh.

Jay Stone is up. He's cute to me. OMG I WANT TO DO HIM IMMEDIATELY. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOLY SHIT. There is nothing hotter to me than beatboxing. I'm obsessed:

Another guy is up and sings "Rollin' Down the River." He ends up doing a split and SPLIT HIS PANTS! HILArious. That's a video worth YouTube-ing.

After the commercial break, we meet two Latina sisters, Bernadette and Amanda DeSimone from Cherry Hill, NJ. REPRESENT! Bernie does a good job. She could be hella prettier without the makeup. Amanda isn't bad either. Kara, all of a sudden, asks if they're from Jersey. I mean, what told you that - the sheet in front of you? Stop sterostyping. There she goes, throwing in a Jersey accent. OMG these girls. You are such actresses. Also, they came out with yellow tickets and their mother was in the background like, not reacting. I don't get it.

Jarrod Norrell's up next. I think he's stoned. Kara is patronizing him, obviously. He sounds like his voice is being torn up on a cheese grater. HORRIBLE. Kara says it sounds like a lawnmower and I crack up. Alone. In my apartment. He then gets arrested for not wanting to leave. This is not a joke. He goes in for an audition and comes out in handcuffs. Can you imagine having that on your prison record? "Thanks for your interest at Ernst & Young. Tell us, please, have you ever been arrested?" "Actually yes, one time I went to try out for American Idol and because they wouldn't let me go to Hollywood, I lost my shit, had to be taken out by security, only to be cuffed and taken away by the po-po."

Matt Lawrence is next. He robbed a bank with a BB gun when he was 15. I mean, really? Why did he do that? He's adorbs! He wants to do something that will make his family proud, so he's trying out for American Idol. Foreshadowing: He'll be good...Rightyouare, Zlata! He does a fantastic job. He's someone I can see going to the top 24 me thinks. Kara just said, "He's gonna go to the Top 12" -- I mean, I JUST SAID THAT.

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Full-time publicist, part-time writer, and round-the-clock ambassador to wit and humor, Zlata is a Jersey Girl making her way through life in South Florida with her husband, Alex, and their sweet pup, LexZ. Zlata’s a self-taught home cook who relies on taste bud science for her mostly simple, sometimes healthy/sometimes not, always delicious recipes. When she’s not crafting kitchen concoctions, Zlata can be found reading an awesome book (translation: trashy magazine), crossing the line between ‘funny’ and ‘inappropriate,’ and fantasizing about being a Real Housewife of Palm Beach.

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When Zlata isn't buzy figuring out how the world can make the letter Z the new black, she spends her time celebrating others in White. Honored as a 8 –times over bridesmaid (with a few more engagements in the works,) a former habitual dater, and networking extraordinaire, this saucy, loud-mouthed girl gives it to you like it is and rarely skips a beat.
For those still vying for her digits, they stay connected through her blog at IhaveZlataThoughts.com, which has been entertaining and making people giddy since its inception. Hope you enjoy the LaughZ. Got it?