Currently

Feeling: Ambitious. (Finally)

Ooooh… there’s a buzzword.

Wale (yes, the rapper) had a song forever ago called “Ambitious Girl.” Actually it came out in 2010, which, was a humungous year for me. HUGE. This is the year that I was supposed to graduate High School. The year that I watched all the friends I’ve had since 4th grade walk across the stage while I sat in the audience with their parents. I had graduated early, opting out of graduation and a traditional senior year, and had already been attending the University of Kentucky. I had so many friends in Kentucky. I had a community there. A home. Plans. I was going to major in English. I was going to move to London and write. That was it. No one could tell me no.

This is also the year my parent’s got divorced. The year I decided to not go back to Kentucky, to my community of friends. To my plans. To my future. 2010 was the year everything I knew about myself and my family completely went up in flames.

The year 2010 was the year I met and started dating my first real boyfriend. He introduced me to the Wale song. He said it described me perfectly. That he was so in love with who I had the potential to be.

However, I spent the next three years of my life being anything but ambitious. I spent it settling. I spent it very poorly coping with life, wasting away at a corporate job that I hated, raising someone else’s kid, being someone that I was absolutely never supposed to be.

And when I finally found the courage to get myself out of a miserable life of settling – I subconsciously began chasing more of the same. A boyfriend. A family. My ambition was comfort.

And when I had the courage to break out of that mindset, I finally spent my time being young and single and crazy. (Olentangy Commons, what up.) My ambition was alcohol and freedom.

Fast forward to 2016—a measly six years after that stupid song came out. Six years after someone used that word “ambitious” to describe me—and I finally feel worthy of that word. I finally feel that way about myself.

Everything I want for myself is in my grasp. It’s attainable. It’s not lost in the haze of inexperience, or tangled up in a dead-end relationship. It’s constantly being nourished and caressed. I no longer spend my time with people that don’t encourage my ambition. I no longer look for how I can make the most money, but how I can be most fulfilled. My plans are no longer vague fairy tales in a place I’ve never been. They are detailed road maps with experienced drivers and wise mentors. I finally finally finally feel like I can get to where I’ve always wanted to go.

My ambition is my career, my passions, my legacy.

Longwinded answer, I know.

Listening To:

Chance the Rapper performance of Blessings on Fallon. (Chills.)

JoJo – “Say Love” which I recommend to any girl that’s ever been with a fuckboi ever. Listen with headphones, full blast.

Emeli Sande – “Hurts” which just sounds so different than her other stuff. And I always appreciate when artists mix it up.

Watching:

This Ted Talk about how our gender is determined by a LOT of other things than whether or not we have a wiener. Seriously. If you’ve ever been confused about why people decide to change their gender or “identify” as another gender—watch this Ted Talk. It is not fluff and pillows and sweet words. It’s science and data and anatomy.

Celebrating:

THE FUCKING RETURN OF FUCKING GILMORE GIRLS!!!!

Confession, I’ve never actually finished the series, so I’ve been doing so now. I always stopped during the Logan era. So I am like knee-deep in Season 6 on Netflix right meow and Holy. Grandma. I am so pumped for this Netflix special. Netflix does understand that it’s entire service is going to completely crash on November 25th, right?

Thinking About:

Turning 25. What that means. Where I’m supposed to be in my life at 25. (My mom was married and giving birth to my older brother at 25. I’m supposed to be doing that, too, right? Maybe not. Who knows.)

The fundamental differences between Catholicism and Protestantism. I’ve spent my entire life as a practicing Protestant/Christian. My entire education (like, from Nursery/Pre-School – Graduating High School) has been tied up in Christianity and the doctrine of the Bible. Then I meet this Derek guy and start going to Mass with him. I guess I just need some clarity on what the gray areas are. Everything I’ve experienced in Mass, so far, has been amazing. I love saying the Nicene Creed, which I would’ve never understood or known the history behind without the years of Christian-school-education. I appreciate the traditional aspects, thanks to spending years and years in a very traditional southern Baptist church. Communion is something I rarely did in my protestant life, so that’s interesting to me as well. Like I said—I’m intrigued. I obviously don’t think I’m making a bad or wrong decision either way, but I would love to know as much about Catholicism as I do about Protestantism… which is about 13+ years of education. So… good luck to me, yah?

Vlogging. Still… I feel like vlogging + working out have been on my list of “thinking abouts” for a good 15 million years. I honestly need to just have a long hard look at myself in the mirror, get off my butt, and commit myself to doing both. Would you guys be interesting in seeing videos (whether here or on YouTube) of my daily life with work + Derek + friends + fam + etc? Let me know!

Modeling?

I’ve been approached by friends who are very kind that ask me to model for stuff, like Open Hand Leather Goods and The BBTee. I was a toddler model back in the day. Could be a cool side-hustle. Plus, all my mom’s friends in Akron are convinced that I’m like a full-time working model anyway. Lawlz.

Eating:

Listen. Columbus folk. I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten at The Walrus but they have these short-rib sliders that have completely transformed my life. (Completely.) I Uber-Eats these guys like once-a-week, at least.

(cc: Walrus Lobster Mac n Cheese)

Looking For:

A GD LEATHER JACKET! Will someone help me with this? Won’t someone uncover that ONE taupe, faux-leather jacket that fit me perfectly that I found on the clearance rack at Forever 21 in high school? I NEED SOMETHING TO WEAR WHEN IT’S COLD WHICH IS ALL THE TIME NOW!!!