Ok, so here we are! It’s December and before the Mayan apocalypse I thought I would get in my last licks so to speak before we all have our hearts ripped out and offered to Shebulba as tribute. This list was open sourced for the most part as I put out the word to have nominations. Interestingly enough the field was rather tight with many people voting in their favorites, and the favorites tended to be many of the same people! I however expanded the list with my own personal favorites as well because, well it is my show ain’t it?

God what a year of douchery it’s been! We have all been on the brink of CYBERRRRWAAAAARRRRRRRR! according to the government and the likes of Leon Panetta so it’s little wonder that Western civilization hasn’t just imploded huh? I for one wish to thank the CYBERGODS that we did not succumb to the CYBERPANDEMIC or the CYBERPOCALYPSE! I mean really, we are just one inch away from the CYBERDOOMSDAY CLOCK going to midnight right?

*squints*

“You people make my ass twitch”

But seriously folks, this post may be cathartic for me and a chuckle for you, but in reality it will change nothing. The douches will be douchey and the charlatans will sell their cyber snake oils with NEW MINTY TASTE! even if I call them out. I just think that maybe, just maybe, with a little more light on their antics perhaps some might think twice…

Awww frak who am I kidding? And with that I leave you with the list.. Enjoy the charlatanism and douchery!

Crowdstrike aka (Swordfish is real God dammit!)

Ah Crowdstrike, your rhetoric is taken right out of the screenplay dialog from Swordfish! Active defense (aka hacking back) is such a knucklehead idea and you guys are just the vaporware salesman to sell it! I know your folks have been former intelligence types and of course you have your FBI contingent, but, you’re still offering a terrible idea as a service. Could you please just be quiet and offer your services under the table instead? Be like other intelligence firms out there and do not seek the limelight for capital ok?

I swear though, I expect to see you at BH or DC with booth babes soon enough.. Oh there will be pandering!

Outgoing Senator “Droopy Dawg” Lieberman

Droop! DROOOOOOOP! You are so NOT the man! God every time you open your mouth and mumble your pontifications in your droopy dawg voice I just wanna slap you. You sir should retire QUIETLY especially when you drone on about your cyber security bill. Please for the love of all things CYBER cut it out! Retire you meshugana! You have no idea what you are talking about nevermind trying to advocate with your constant whining. The world will go on without you in the Senate and certainly will survive without your bill in place.

Whit3Rabbit (aka Rafalos) Honorable Mention

Raf, Raaaaaaaaaf, what can I say man. I think there are times when you really just need to look for contextual cues from the people around you to know when you are not so clueful and shut up. There’s an aphorism that says “Never fight a land war in Asia” I have another for you and it is “Never talk about shit you don’t know about authoritatively” I have beaten you about this before as have others online so please take this as creative criticism in order to help you. You’re not a bad guy but you need to ease back and consider your positions before you spew.

Jeff Bardin aka Treadstone71 aka “The Barefoot Hacker”

JEFF! JEFFY! Ol’ Shoeless “Jeff” Wow, dude, you and I go waaaay back huh? Like oh, months! You have been one of the douchiest of douches personally and professionally on the internets of late! Well, you do lose out to that asshat Assange but man, you were real real close! Your posts on active defense alone are worthy of derision and scorn but it’s really your pandering to the press to garner attention that puts the cherry on the shit sundae that is you!

Wow.. Just wow. That article on your hacking the jihobbyists was classic bullshit as was your linking to jokey and raptor! Tell me, did you have an influx of morons seeking to be just like you in those classes you keep pimping on Island and other places? Oh, yeah, that’s right, Island to you to cut that shit out huh? Pimp…

Ankit (I am deeply afraid of squirrels) Fadia

“Ankit Fadia.. Please pick up the white courtesy phone…” PSSSST he won’t pick it up because he thinks that Jericho’s CYBER SQUIRREL WARRIORS will slip out of the handset and KILL HIM! Ankit, you are a tool and you need to grow some balls BEFORE you try to grow hair on them. Keep writing those pathetic books ok? Jericho needs something to do with his time and I am sure you can provide the plagiarized content for him.

Leon (OMG IT’S A CYBER 9/11) Panetta

LEO! YOU KING OF THE WORLLLLLL… Err DOUCHES! You sir have uttered the DOUCHIEST of catchphrases so many times lately that I am beginning to think you should just have T-Shirts made. Furthermore, I think it would be even more convincing if you got some Hooters girls to wear them as you testify in front of congress. It would be THE BOMB! and serve a dual purpose, you would certainly distract the Senators AND have them eating out of your hand! You could get ANYTHING signed!!!

DOO IIIIIT! Just cuz I wanna see it… And it would be more informative than you just sitting there and throwing out the same bullshit phrases. Face it man, you haven’t a clue either…

HACKIN9 (we’ll take any article and not copy edit it at all) Magazine

HACKIN9 whoa, you really distinguished yourselves this year with your plea’s for writers/contributors! I must say though, that that piece by Fyodor was the best! You guys are L337!!

*eyeroll*

Please stop. No one wants to write for you and no one wants to read the dipshit stuff that is sent to you.

David (Snookums) Patraeus

DAVE! SNOOKUMS! You sir win here because you were the DCI and you done frakED UP BIG! What were you thinking? I mean somewhere in your head you had to know that what’s her name was batshit crazy right? The whole thing unraveling and being spun and re-spun was amusing but in the end you fraked the pooch son.

Though, using the Gmail dead drops was innovative… “not”

*facepalm*

John (I’m Colonel Kurtz GOD DAMMIT!) McAfee

COMING TO AN IMAX NEAR YOU… “APOCALYSE MCAFFEE” Deep in the jungles of (insert country) John McAffee, AV pioneer and his trusty harem of teen girlfriends will save the world!

Wow… Just WOW. John, I am sure your life has been spiraling out of control for some time now but way to go out in a blaze of stupid!

Eugene (Trust me, I am no longer KGB) Kaspersky

Scene: Somewhere deep within Lubyanka a lone figure sits in front of a rack of pc’s and wall mounted screens. He types furiously as he melds wireframe cubes on the screen together. Finally he claps his hands, swigs wine out of a bottle and cries “I’VE DONE IT!” *russian accent* “I have protected the world from the SCADAS!”

#shutupeugene

Julian (NARCISSIST ASSHAT) Assange

Julian! Bubby! You are one of the most ego-maniacal and fragrant turdblossoms to inhabit any space including the cramped quarters of a country that you claim asylum from yet quashes it’s own media. WAY TO GO BUDDY! You have let your ego swell to epic proportions and I literally await the day someone pulls the fire alarm in your hovel waiting for you to come out like a groundhog. Wikileaks was a great idea but YOU fraked it up.

Thanks.

Now back to the INCREDIBLY slow white bronco chase that is your life…

Ron (Needs Medication) Brynaert

Ron.. Who the frak are you and what the frak is your problem? Please get psychiatric help. You think you are some great reporter sleuth attacking those who are evil but you really are just barking at the moon.

Get those mental health services you need please and stop attacking people over OWS and Anon who have little or nothing to do with them.

The US Government aka (The Gubment)

Dear Gubment. Keep your hands of the “Internets” and keep your grotesque and perverse desires to see everything I do to yourselves. You have no clue what you are dealing with in the internet world and you certainly seem to have taken some real liberties with.. well.. liberty really. You can’t even protect your own shit and you want to control mine?

Dear Congress Critters. I think it’s time that you got off your soap boxes, from which you have been firing at each other like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s, and really do some shit. First off, I would like you all to step away from the crack pipe and stop listening to fraktards like Panetta and Dicky Bird Clarke about how the cyber 9/11 is gonna happen.

ZOMG AN EMP IS GONNA GIT US!

HEY LOOK A BIRDIE!

DERP.

Until such time as you are more judicious with your choices of who to listen to about all things “cyber” you need to get out of the shallow end of the gene pool. Though, on reflection I do have to thank you for not passing the cyber security bill because you were too busy being fraking useless.. So you did save us from that piece of crap!

Small blessings…

The DoD (Trust us, we’re the DoD, we can cyber that war shit up!)

*Facepalm x3*

Let me sum up my feelings with this actual scenario… DoD guy comes to me via reference and asks why it would be bad for him to use DropBox for his DoD work.

*blink blink*

Yeah, this is who I want in charge of my Cyberwar.

POTUS and the Sekret scroll for INFOSEC Protection

BIG O! Dude, you really really really need to NOT have the Executive Order be classified beyond “SEKRET SQUIRREL UMBRA” this only makes us all think that there is some really really really bad shit in there. Ya know, like taking liberties away from people shit…

Naughty naughty naughty…

ISC2 aka The Star Chamber

Last but certainly not the least we have ISC2. As you all know, I ran a campaign to get on the board and, well, as you can see, I ain’t on there. Now, this I can understand but others who made it on should have been removed. I speak about ethics violations and chicanery that others are too timid to speak of even indirectly. So, let me lay it out there for you all here:

The org is broken and bordering on corrupt. There are elements in charge that would have it that way and others who would like to see that change. The battle is slow and may never be won. All I want to know is who’s driving the Ferrari’s and the Bentley’s over there? Cuz they get a lot of money to be a mostly useless org in my book.

#justsayin

Well, there you have it.. Like I said, nothing will change but hey, I feel better now…. Keep on being douchey kids.

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