time lost

As a child I always has anger issues but today I still have some that I recently figured out what the cause is.

Going back to my childhood i was a church boy learning from the teenagers that I hung with trying to be like them chasing after girls and they seemed to be mild mannered pretty boy teens from the hood but did not act like it. So that’s who I would emulate. I’m not sure how I came across to others but I was a little chubby confident kid that was not afraid of anything. I would kick it to a female that was almost twice my height because I had no fear maybe they just thought it was cute.

In my other life, elementary school life I constantly got into fights always feeling disrespected always suspended from school it got to a point that I knew everyone that worked in the office by name and would not get in trouble anymore. I used my manipulative mindset from the church world to talk my way out of things so I would not get an ass beating from my mom that was guaranteed to happen if a phone call from school was made.

It was always talks in my house about putting me in some type of martial arts program but the thought of my temper with actual fighting skills scared my grandmother aunt and mother.

With my teenage years starting I wanted to be more of a lover not a fighter in school but many would still test me in middle school. In church hitting 13 meant that not only could I go on church trips for the YPD (young people division of the missionary’s it’s a ame church organization) but I could hold office I eventually became my local church’s parliamentarian then president, Area president then nj Conference parliamentarian. My name was getting known I was respected by many if not hundreds still did not get that in school.

I needed to find a way to blend my mindset. My school actions were starting to interfere with my YPD outings. So I found the perfect answer brick walls! I would punch them until my knuckles would bleed finally a release that was not someone’s face that would not always work I still fought just not as often.

Not having any parental male figures in my life gave me this imbalance or lack of direction as to where I should be in life.

My mother was good at camouflage her rage. The most I would experience would be her coming home from work me hearing her keys jingle as she walked up then the door would open and the face of frustration with me being suspended from school again would weigh her down and to get that burden off a beating was a coming! Yelling orders to drop my pants belt, extension cord, shoe it did not matter I was getting hit with it.

Just like the thugs of today when they are mad and talking they clap on every word to make a exclamation point. So did my mom on every swing. But then the phone would ring, she would answer as if nothing was wrong, a bright hello let me give you a call back then back to wailing on me.

As an adult I wonder if all that frustration was caused by my actions or a combination of being a single mother living with her mother that had a controlling nature with a older sister that had a snickering way about her.

It was one moment where I saw my mother come home and snap. She grabbed a bag of her drug of choice………… OREO COOKIES made a bowl of vanilla ice cream put some Oreos on top took her spoon started to crush the cookies then stared off into space crushing every cookie and the bowl along with it as I stood there and watched. I asked her about the event when I became an adult but she did not remember it happening.

From that point I started focusing on myself. Learning on how to become more passive when no action was required. Also through meditation and astral projecting I learned to separate the pain felt to my physical being where I would not react to thing. At the age of 12 that was put to the test. My mother and I made some brownies together and I had more than I was suppose to so she asked me if I had more and I said no then the beating started. Belt tore no reaction from me. 2×1 wood plank snapped. Shoe hurt her hand. Then my laughter started. A few punches were thrown by her and then she have up. I was beyond that form of discipline.

Now the move from east orange to plainfield New Jersey. My mother told me to have a different mindset moving into a new town and I should have a better handle on my temper. I think I made it one week in at Hubbard middle school in plainfield. My first fight was with Wakil Harris I ended up winning how ever my baggy pants came down and I had a nice racing stripe in my underwear so that hovered over my head for a while so in that provided me with a test on how to react to the teasing and ridicule lash out or brush it off. And that’s what I did brush it off.

As I got older and into and out of relationships with females I would have the feeling of a loss or a yearling feeling in my chest but as time would go on the feeling and emotions would subside and life would go on. I could not say that they were wasted time but more so a learning experience about me and how to deal with the opposite sex. Learning how to give more argue less. How to be more available. And appreciate the time during more than wondering why after so I could be more grateful no matter the outcome. From that I have a zero tolerance with arguing in a relationship we can debate something. But when I feel like it’s getting to a boiling point I will write out my thoughts feeling and emotions to elevate any tension. Plus you can not argue with a piece of paper or a email you can be mad or upset but then respond with a clear head hopefully in a timely manor. The worst situation I have been in was with a female knowing that I am a professional fighter with a gun on my hip at all times but she still would hit me when she was frustrated. I am glad that I was able to use my sarcasm and not my fists to solve that matter and I never want to experience that ever again.

My latest hurdle to overcome is with paper pushers……. People in the clerical world seem to have the only key left to unlock my rage. Two years ago moving back to east orange with my grandmother it is no parking on the street without a permit. 6 months in no tickets but then they started to tag me with tickets every other night. So I went to obtain a parking pass. I filled out all the paperwork handed it in they lady was about to hand over the parking pass and said wait you are not the homeowner so I need the homeowner to come in and sign. So I explained that my grandmother is not able to come up and could I just take it to her to sign. She said no. So one day I arranged with TV to bring my grandmother to city hall to take care of this. So they went. And I get a phone call at work that they are giving my grandmother a hard time. Luckily I was working in the area for verizon and had the ability to head over.

I walk in and the bull shit starts saying her id was expired and she needs proof of address and home ownership paperwork. So I lost it banging on the glass telling the woman that she did not fucking tell me any of this and she is the one that told me who could come to sign because they have the records with her name on it. So TV grabbed me as my grandmother sat there calmly and he went back to the window and they gave him the parking pass with no questions asked.

A few weeks ago my car was towed from in front of my job and I found where it was got over there with my son and the lady started feeding me bullshit and I worked on calming myself down and was able to work through things.

Now last week I was involved in a car accident. It reminded me in so many ways of the death of my Super Ho.

Red light ran

At a intersection of Springfield avenue

Late at night

Someone with a island / African accent

So I turn to try to avoid the impact but no luck in avoiding. I get out of my car and start to walk away and then the voice speaks “Ree yee Okae” so I walk farther. I must keep calm. An officer arrives on the scene asks the lady what happened so she says I think I had the green light…. My rage skyrocketed. Then the officer asked me what happened so I told the officer what happened and the other driver said no no no I did not run te light. So I went off the fuck you means you did not. A second ago you fucken said you were not sure if you had the green or not you fucking dumb bitch. The officer turned to me and told me to calm down so as I tried to talk to him I was yelling like Samuel L Jackson and I was just trying to talk. So I put up my finger to say give me a second and walked away to take a moment. So I came back and was able to finish talking in a calm manner so I asked the officer at what point is he going to take the report. He said in Irvington they only take reports if someone was injured. Other than that we have to go to the station to fill it out. And I said why not now. The officer said only if you are injured. So I said I am. He said I am injured. So he called my bluff by saying that he would tow my car and send me to the hospital then have someone come and take my statement. I called bullshit but recanted my injury so to put me at ease he took our information and led us to the Irvington police station.

A few days later I thought back to all these moments of rage. None were issues of the property damaged but the time lost and the echoes of setbacks that I would endure for the next few days.

With this newly found knowledge of myself I feel one step closer to enlightenment.

And now have to proactively watch my triggers so not to let my self blow off the handle when my buttons are pushed.

I want to be complete so that I can teach my son what was never taught to me….. so no time can be lost

#ir62

One thought on “time lost”

One of the most amazing things about you is your self-awareness. You know and are confident about your good qualities and there are many :-). And you’re also totally aware of any flaws you might have. But to have the drive to try to improve yourself and fix those flaws is amazing to me. I always feel, and it’s so strange to read you kind of say the same thing, that I can feel myself evolve sometimes. Sometimes something simple will happen and I find that my eyes are open a little bit wider and makes me understand myself a little bit more. And you explain that so beautifully in that blog.
So I loved it as always, I was feel like it makes me closer to you and I excitedly await the next one.