Tag Archives: chatswithparents

Last week
Me: HOW LONG is Granny aka Super Mean Old Lady with NO FILTER staying?
Mum: a week.
Me: that’s 6 days and 23 hours too long.

Day 4
Mum: only 3 more days.
Me (surly): how can you tell them apart? It feels like we’re in a time loop, with the same conversations every day.
Granny enters.

Mum: would you like some coffee or tea, Amma?
Granny: no, no, I’ll become fat.
Me (what does she mean “become”?): Mum, I’d like a second cup, please.
Bitch Granny: oho. Why? You’ll become fat.
Me What does she mean “become?”): I think I’ll risk it.

Mum: okay. Lunch is rice and gravy ok Amma?
Bitch Granny: yes, yes, no more. I’ll become fat.
Me (What does she mean…Fuck it. EVEN MY THOUGHTS ARE IN A LOOP)

Mum: do you know anyone who swears like this?
Me: (fuck) I know a…friend, yes. My friend swears a lot.
Mum (outraged): who is this friend? Does she know it’s impolite?
Me: …ummm sort of. She doesn’t do it to everyone. Or at least, not at first meeting. She’s famous for it, really.

Mum: is she married?
Me: (fuck!) no.
Mum: is she working in an office somewhere?
Me: (Fuck!) no.
Mum: is she thin?
Me: (FUCK!) no.

Mum: hmph. No wonder. She must be doing it for the attention.
Me: ????? NO mum that’s not why I-mmyyyy friend does it at all. I think she just likes it. It’s sort of an outlet for when things don’t go her way or people fu-fool around with her. Ahem.
Mum: chee. Whatever.
Me: (fu-phew).

Tring tring.
Prospective Client (PC): hello?
Me:…yes, hi. I’m Hapless Poor Writer and I was given your number in reference to Undefined Freelance Work That You Will Change the Brief of At Least Twice But Fuck I’m Poor and Desperate.

PC: oh yeah yeah. We’ve actually changed the scope of that work.
Me: of course. right…so now it’s…?
PC: undefined Freelance Jelly That Might Become Custard or Pudding But Will Definitely Turn Your Brains Into Jelly

Me: (sigh) brilliant. So how do we take this forward?
PC: why don’t you send us an initial proposal?

Me: sure…so I was thinking we could do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas. Does that work for you?
PC: that sounds great and bang on brief.
Me: okay, so I’ll mail you that then.

A day later.

PC: hey hi, so your proposal doesn’t work for us…can you re-do?
Me: sure, could we please quickly discuss the parts that don’t work?
PC: all of them.

Me:…o-kay. (BUT YOU SAID IT WAS BANG ON BRIEF BITCH WTF WAS THAT THEN) So what direction would you like me to work in?
PC: to make our brand famous.
Me:…right, perhaps we could narrow that down.
PC: to make our brand really famous.
Me: (through gritted teeth) certainly. and what should people do after your brand is very famous?
PC: Buy it.

Me:….sure. But we might not be able to structure all social media communication all the time around that…or that directly even…so what would you say is the campaign goal?
PC:…
Me: awareness? Product features? Likeability? Likes?
PC:…let me check with my team get back to you.
Me: right, sure.

A day later.
PC: hi so we want to do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas.
Me:….yes, I believe that was my plan too…

PC: no, this is different from your plan.
Me:…….
PC: my team feels that your plan was lacking in focus and wouldn’t make us famous. But this one will. Your plan is Jelly, but this plan is Custard.
Me: okay. (I need money. I need money. I need money.) so if Custard is the goal, then would you like to explore Fruit Toppings and Ice Cream?
PC: yes.
Me: ok. (I AM GONNA DOUBLE THE COST. TRIPLE. QUADR-)
PC: also…
Me: yes?
PC: could you give us an option for Jelly? It might help to explore our options.

Tring tring.
Dad: hello ma?
Me: MY LIFE IS YOUR FAULT.
Dad: ah? What happened ma?
Me: WHY DID YOU HAVE THREE KIDS? WHY NOT JUST STOP AT ONE AND GIVE HER A RETIREMENT FUND? OR A HELICOPTER?
Dad: um…I don’t think that exchange scheme was available when your siblings were born.
Me: banging head against wall.

Dad: see ma, even this beyonce has gotten married and having twins. Why can’t you both?
Me: hahahahahahahaahahahhah
Dad: see, every time we discuss these things you and your sister laugh or cry.
Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Dad: sigh.

Me: daddy, Beyoncé is a…singer. Like a pop star. (cross myself, may God have mercy on my soul for this blasphemy)
Dad: oh. I thought maybe she’s some college friend.

Dad: what songs has this Beyonce done?
Me: All the single ladies.
Dad:…..
Me: oh and also Crazy in Love.
Dad:….all this inflammatory English music only is why you people have no brains. Hmph!
Me: hahahahahahahaha omg I gotta call Sister now!

Mum and I discuss going to see the movie, The Ides of March. I wanted to see it because tense thriller, yada yada and CLOONEY and GOSLING.
Mum was going because opportunity to order daughter around, eat popcorn and because I’d been whining about going alone and maybe get murdered by mysterious assailant.

An hour before we leave home, I suddenly think to check the movie’s certification. Given my family’s propensity to embarrassedly change channels when Disney characters are kissing, I thought it wise to just make sure politics was all we’d be seeing on-screen.

Blast and bugger it all.Ides is A rated for language. And what I hoped were scenes involving Gosling or Clooney with their clothes off. But obviously Mother could not be taken to it now.
I bounced out to the living room where she was frowning censoriously at soap opera where a husband was patting his wife’s shoulder.

Me: okay, I think we should re-think. This movie is rated A.
Mom: oh. Not A-plus?
Me: mum, an A rating doesn’t refer to how good it is. It’s rated for Adults.
The Mother’s brow wrinkled.
Me: so there might some “scenes” and some bad language. And you’ll just get irritated.
Mom: no, I won’t get irritated. It will just ruin the mood.
Me: (baby Clooney and Gosling? I’m in the mo-wait yuck, this is my MOM.) yeah, so you’ll get irritated.
Mom: no, I won’t get irritated. Just my mood will be ruined.
Me: yeah, meaning you’ll not like it and be irritated.
Mom: you mean like you’re irritating me now?
Me: don’t you mean like I’m ruining your mood?
Mom: sulk.
Me: (no Gosling. no Clooney) is there any chocolate?

Like this:

Me: so what did you and Dad do today?
Mum: we went to see this electronics exhibition.
Me: oh really? What did you buy?
Mum: nothing. We just went to spend some time.
Me: (sly smile) like a date eh?
Mum: …what?
Me: you know, like a date. Like in Gilmore girls.
Mum: okay fine. Something like that.
Dad walks in.
Me: woo wooo daddy all romantic dates and all eh
Dad: what? What??
Me: you took mum out on a date and all. Woo woo.
Dad: no I didn’t.
Me: yes you did. You sat on the metro next to each other, had lunch at a restaurant, just wandered around the exhibition centre. That’s a romantic date.
Dad (completely embarrassed): there is NOTHING romantic about me going out with your mother.
Mum: what??? What does THAT mean?
Dad: I…..you…no so…wait my phone’s ringing. Bye.
Me: woo wooo mother.
Mum: shut up. We should have beat you more when you were younger.
Me: woo wooo.