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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It was the middle of February and we were fucking sick of Winter. The entire East Coast had been covered for two months with like 3 feet of snow, which was apparently (according to fucking bro-haters) due to the fact that I #57 don’t recycle. We needed to get the fuck out and get our fucking drink on. So we signed up for a scavenger hunt that would take you around in a limo all day long. Sure on the surface this might sound like some fucking lame shotgun wedding bachelorrette party, but the important thing to note is that the entire hunt revolved around getting fucked up, so needless to say, we were fucking in.

One of the requirements for the day was that your team needed to be in costume. While most of the teams decided to be hilarious shit like, “Team Everyone Wear Red Shirts,” we decided to push the envelope. We decided to be edgy. We decided to be bros. Our team name? “I Will Remember You.” We were dead fucking celebrities.

While tame costumes such as DJ AM, Michael Jackson, and Ed McMahon drew laughs from the fucking bro-haters, we started to get some glares and shaking of heads when they spotted a bloodied Steve “Ground” McNair and his pal in an Angels t-shirt that read “Adenhart" across his back. For some reason people didn’t like the fact that we were celebrating a 22 year old’s recent death at the hands of a #23 drunken driver. But shit really hit the fan when Ginger Bro walked in dressed head to toe in spandex, a helmet, goggles, one of those saucer sleds tied around his neck, and just in case anyone still couldn’t get it, a Georgian flag pinned to his chest. That’s right – he was the fucking luger whose death at the Olympics earlier that week was immortalized by the magical powers of Youtube. As bitches kept coming up telling him that he was “fucked up,” and that the luger had a family, he just gave them the motherfucking finger. True bros recognized his genius and gave him #13 high fives while telling him it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen. They were fucking right. Bros realize that tragic deaths are hilarious, so you better fucking believe we’re gonna make fun of them.
Society refers to it as “the line.” Some fucking made up shit that determines whether something you say is hilarious or if it’s “inappropriate” or flat out “appalling.” While bro-haters stay as far as humanly fucking possible from “the line,” bros realize there’s only one reason for its existence – to fucking cross that shit. Nothing gets a bro’s creative juices flowing more than a solid tragic celebrity death. It really doesn’t get any better than trampling on some B-list celebrity’s grave while the rest of the fucking world mourns them just because he was a fucking guest star on “Who’s The Boss” back in the 80’s. The minute Anna Nicole Smith died a couple years ago you better fucking believe I sent out an email entitled “Reunited at last” with a picture of that fucking 90 year old billionaire she was whoring herself out to.

Bros don’t give a fuck about celebrity deaths. In fact, bros don’t give a shit about celebrities period. While girls spend their days at work/in class reading up on the technique Kim Kardashian uses to shave her unibrow or what type of hat The Bachelorette wore to the fucking store, bros devote their time to much more important shit - like talking trash on #62 fantasy football league message boards. Seriously though, why the fuck do bro-haters care so much about a fucking celebrity death? Most likely it’s because, unlike bros, they’re lives are fucking meaningless so they have to live vicariously through whoever US magazine says is important. Anyways, here’s a couple ways to pull off the best tragic celebrity death jokes and really piss off the fucking bro-haters in the process.

Exploit the Death-Induced Celebrities – Every once in awhile there’ll be a news story about some horrific murder or death that wasn’t technically a celebrity. Even though this person wasn’t in some shitty movie back in the 90’s or an heiress to a family fortune, society will still treat this death like the worst thing since the fucking passion of the Christ. 99.9% of the time this is because the person who died was young, white, female and pretty good-looking. Bros are smart as shit so they fucking realize what this type of death really means: comedy gold. While girls bought countless magazines with Natalie Holloway on the cover a couple years back, bros were busy honoring her death the only way they knew how - buying blond wigs and seaweed for their fucking #86 Halloween costumes.

The Sooner the Better – I always love it whenever I say some shit like, “Silly Chris Henry, It’s ‘Kiss the BABY’ not ‘Kiss the PAVEMENT’” like 10 minutes after he’s reported as dead and people get all pissed off and say shit like, “Whoa, whoa, too soon man.” Give me a fucking break. So you’re telling me that it would be cool to make jokes about this celebrity’s death in two weeks, but now the country is in such dire mourning that I’m out of line. Fuck that. Bros realize the closer to the celebrity’s death, the funnier the fucking joke, so there’s no point in waiting. Whenever there’s a tragic celebrity death, bros immediately knock that shit out of the park like they’re the fucking retarded kid at the end of Little League practice.

Remember that kid back in Kindergarten that would fucking cry at everything? Yeah, that’s society. Just like when we were five years old, bros see these tears as a sign of weakness and you better fucking believe we’re attacking that shit. With true American heroes (like Sean Taylor) dying every day, there’s no reason to devote more than 2 seconds to even thinking about honoring some #119 midget with a catch phrase. While the rest of society mourns over some actress’s car crash fatality, bros realize what it truly is: the perfect fucking punch line.

I don't think DJ AM should be made fun of because of 1 very important reason: he was a fucking bro. Not only was he the focal point of many a rager, but he also DJed at places where people were constantly getting fucked up. Furthermore, after almost dying in a tragic plane crash he started using more. Talk about being grateful for being spared. I'll admit that it was bra-esque for him to do that gay reality show where he helped people sober up, buuuut he did die of a massive drug overdose anyway.

I wanna go out myself with a "tragic" death. Dying at age 70 from heart and liver related problems due to massive cirrhosis and having a heart attack from snorting brocaine while fucking some 25 year old slampiece doesn't sound like a bad way to go.

They honored that child ass ramming creature called Michael Jackson whose only contribution to the world was providing countless jokes. Billy Mays sold tons of shitty products and everyone knew who he was plus he died like a bro from too much booger sugar. That's the types of deaths that should get coverage.

hey dont make fun of pat tillman he was a true fucking american hero and a great reason to heckle shitty countries like france or the continent of africa. and steve irwin jokes are fucking funny but he was also a bro. jumping on crocodiles, venomous snakes, and other crazy shit is major bro points.

what about heath ledger? he died like a punk bitch. fucking actors, yea, he had some legit roles, like the brothers fucking grimm, and the joker, but he went out with an overdose. really? bitch move. steve irwin was a fucking bro. period.

Making fun of celebrity deaths is fucking awesome, because most of them die of total weak-ass bro-hating causes like cancer and shit. Real bros go out with a fucking bang.

Like James Dean, who died in a fiery car crash while bro-ing his balls off at like 100 mph in a droptop Porsche down a California highway. That's fucking bro.

Or Hunter S. Thompson, who got royally wasted at his ranch on whiskey, brocaine, and like 15 different psychedelic drugs and then blew his head off with a shotgun while listening to awesome tunes at full volume. That's bro as shit.

Me and my bros at the office had a $100 pool going to see who could come up with the best joke about the deaths of Billy Mays, Farah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, and Michael Jackson, since they all happened the same week.

The winner:"They say celebrities always die in threes. Leave it to Billy Mays to give you the fourth one for free."

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, we later found out that the bro stole this joke from a couple different comedy websites that posted it first, but we still gave him the money because we all know that stealing shit is totally bro.

And for all the bro-haters who ask why we think it's funny to make fun of dead celebrities:Why? 'Cause FUCK EM, that's why!

Let us not forget David Carradine... Lived as an ultimate kung fu bro... But then killed himself via autoerotic asphyxiation. Does that make it a bra move since he was found dead literally wearing a bra?

I about swallowed my dip I was laughing so hard at the retard/little league reference.

I've learned over the years, that a clutch way to instantly burn all bridges with the females you're around and ultimately make them cry, is rip on princess diana being dead. These slam pieces were like 4 years old when it happened but due to their abilities to universally sync their periods, they always go estrogen overdose when you make fun of her. Bros are the shit.

i always point out funny shit about that stuff, for instance Natalie Holoway was murdered by "Joran Van Der Sloot" which is the same name as the Swedish baker man from Family Guy with the funny voice. which is hilarious

I was doing a fantasy football draft with my bro's this weekend, we were crushing brews and talking shit and I got the first pick and got all serious and said "With the first pick in the 2010 Fantasy Draft, I select Steve McNair" My bro's loved it and one responded "I think he's a real sleeper pick."

A week after Heath Ledger died, we were having practice and one of the bros on our team missed a tackle. Another bro, sitting on the sidelines yells out, "You're as good as tackling as Heath Ledger is at living!" Too soon? I think not.