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The Brinch Who Stole Christmas…Vacation

He is as green as Eggs and Ham. He is as green as the Redwood Forest. He is as green as the Hulk and Yoda. He’s as green as a hippy on St. Patrick’s Day. As green as my envy when someone is laying on a couch better than I am. As green as the fried tomatoes in that movie. Yes, he is the Grinch and as you know, one of my bitter idols growing up. Though I haven’t quite surpassed his hairiness and greeness, I have surpassed his bitterness. I have a tale of my own as the Brinch Who stole Christmas Vacations. Watch as I tell the tale of the month before Christmas and the Workers down in Workville.

Every Employee down in Workville liked Christmas Vacation a lot,

But the Brinch who lived south of Workville did not

The Brinch hated Christmas vacation, the whole Christmas vacation season

Please don’t ask why, no one knows the reason,

Actually they do, it’s because everyone leaves him with work all season,

It could be that he likes to lay on the couch all night

Laying and eating.

Or that his socks are on too tight

But the most likely reason of all

Is that his bitter heart was a little too small

I’ve put up with missing Christmas vacation for 15 years now,

I must stop others from getting Christmas vacation, “But how?”

Then he got an awful idea

The Brinch got a terrible, awful idea,

I know just what to do, the Brinch laughed bitterly in his throat,

He made a quick casual Friday outfit, complete with a coat

He looked on the calendar at the vacation time

He checked ADP to see if something on there would rhyme

He found many spots on the calendar that hadn’t been taken

And decided that he would steal all his co-worker’s vacation

Steal others vacations!

He took Easter’s and New Year’s and St. Patrick’s Day,

He took July 4th, and Labor, and Memorial in May,

He took every last vacation day that anyone would want,

He even took Flag Day, yes he was that blunt,

And every time someone wanted a vacation

He found a way to stick himself in the situation

He found all the days in December you know,

Because everyone coveted them so they could frolic in the snow,

He took early, and late and the middle of the month,

They would all cry with envy and just say, “Hurumph”

They would have all kinds of envy as he left no time available

They wouldn’t get to watch all the Christmas specials on cable

Take all the vacations!

The Brinch let out a laugh so bitter

As his co-workers wouldn’t have time off to shoot glitter

But then something happened as he sat on his couch

The employees were happy to be at work and wouldn’t even say, “Ouch!”

The giggled as they eat all the candy in the breakroom

Not having even one little bit of gloom

They talked and laughed and didn’t have to do much work

They even talked about Miley and her terrible Twerk

They did all his work happily

And even had their afternoon tea

The Brinch finally came back to work even more miserable now

Cause no one got mad or even had a cow

Check your list.

When they had to work the holidays and answer phone calls.

They said, “We avoided the crowds at the mall!”

They didn’t have to go to crowded theaters

Or be outside playing in the cold with their brrsss

They had slow days where didn’t do much

Except gossip about many things or not much

They enjoyed they did and didn’t complain

And the Brinch spent most of his vacation in the rain

So this is where our bitter tale ends

With the Brinch having to spend the holidays with a bunch of, gulp, friends

Talk to people? No!

UGGGGHHHH

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Brinch Ben

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13 Comments on “The Brinch Who Stole Christmas…Vacation”

Good poem, Brinch. I like the clever rhymester stuff. It reminds me of the time I volunteered to work the night shift for the entire Christmas season. It was great. I was all alone. Nobody bugged me. And I got to sleep during the day and avoid all the awful Christmas parties and festivities.

I enjoyed this immensely mainly because it was so relatable. I think Dr Seuss would wish he had the bitterness to write so well. I’ll bet if he were alive, he would be bitter he missed out on the read.

About Me

Greetings Bitter People of the Internet. My name is Bitter Ben and I started blogging when I got fed up. Talking to people, listening to them complain and blame me for things I had nothing to do with. A long time ago, I learned in marketing that you should find a need and fill it. I started noticing that a lot of people like to complain about little things, but they felt ashamed to do it, because they felt like they were being petty.

I came up with the idea to start a 900 line (1-900-BITR-BEN), where people could call and complain about all the little things that drove them crazy, but the twist was that the Customer Service Rep could also complain back. This would not only allow all the complainers to get it out of their systems, but the call would be longer and I would get more money. This lead me to come up with my tag line, “We make bitter better.” That idea failed because of a number of reasons, so instead I did the next best thing.

I started my blog www.bensbitterblog.com, and it was a huge success. I had 10,000 loyal bitter followers, but that blog was ruthlessly and painful taken from me by WordPress. Read more here and here.

A blog wasn’t enough for me though. I wanted T-shirts, Bitter Themed Restaurants, and maybe even a last placed sports team. Since my blog was stolen from me, I decided to start this one, that includes everything Entertainment, IE Bitter Entertainment Network, or BEN.

This means as soon as I get up and running. I am going to start an actual television network, via YouTube where you will see everything related to Bitterness. Buckle up, it going to be a bitter ride. For now, jump into this bitter filled environment, where you are free to complain as bitterly as you like. No matter how petty, all bitterness is free to roam these wide open bitter halls, or meadows if you prefer. Comment the heck out of every post, because you can be sure I will comment right back with more bitterness. Let’s “Make Bitter Better”.