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why am i so mean??? anyone else? HELP!

im kerrie, I just turned 21, in nov, and had a gorgeous little girl in Oct,

My mother just died from diabetes on aug' 3oth of this year, she was only 50, and this was my first child and her first actual grandbaby, she never got to see her, and it kills me everyday. so only a few months ago, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with this. But, My husband, is one of the most, kind gentle, loving, laid back, non-conflicting person, that I have ever met in my life. -

A little back history, that could be a reason too, is i was very abused as a child, neglected, and feeling unloved a lot of the time. My biological father, also molested my sister and I. My mother and father, pretty much hated one another, and there were seldom times they actually got along. My mom couldnt stand how he treated her, or his children, but never had the strenght and was too scared to leave him until 2 years b4 her death. My family ALWAYS had drama, and something negative happened everyday

Any way. so now you know more about why I COULD be this way.

But Ryan (my husband) and I pretty much have some kind of bickering every single day. I cry almost EVERY single day. and its ALWAYS me who will start it, I dont know HOW to handle situations the right way, he ALWAYS tries to teach me, and is VERY patient with me. but I always end up HATING MYSELF at the end of the day for the way ive treated him, because woman, would KILL to have a man like him, and he is completely and utterly devoted to only me.

I dont know how to change, i try, and i just go back to the old ways. he could do something small and i would get after him. i seem to feed on drama. or negativity

Wow. You have a very valid reason for being angry. I'm sorry your having such a tough time =( I don't really have any advice to offer you. Except that I know how it feels to be stressed or depressed and I took it out on the one who loved me the most. It seems you already know that you have a good man who is NOT your enemy. Maybe you need a little time away from him? Or, how about some professional help? Do you think that would work? You've been through a lot mama.

you kinda sound like my sister... (we all (there's 6 of us) got taken away from our mom.. (mom was a slut so we all had different dads) but she grew up in and out of foster homes and orphanages and had alot of stuff like that happen to her...

ok back on subject... her ex husband now, sounds jus like your hubby, very kind and giving her the world and everything and finally told her to go seek professional help.. im not saying that this is what could be wrong but it might help to go talk to someone but my sis got on meds and they did so much better when she actually took them (she had to go on bipolar med.. anti depression.. i guess it kinda goes hand in hand kuz of the mood swings..) but good luck and just try and remember before you lose your temper that this man loves you NO matter what and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you and to just try and breathe... maybe try working out to relieve a lot of stress and so your not soo amped up.. i have to do that or i jus blow up too from being stuck in the house all day with my 2 little ones (im a sahm).. it helps!!

Your childhood was full of conflict. Your parents fought. Fighting became the norm for you. You initiate fights to cause the same turmoil you were so used to growing up. I'm glad your husband is patient and understanding. Do you keep a diary of your feelings and frustrations? Writing it out can be a great diversion to any verbal venting you may do. Have you sought counceling? I understand your whole situation as my childhood was similar. Just make sure you keep communication open with your husband in regards to how you are feeling. Also many activities such as jogging and kickboxing help you channel that pent up rage and energy into a positive output.

I agree with the others. Talking to someone else, like a counseler, helps a lot. You get someone whose not there's opion. Keeping a diary also helps, you can find if there is a certain time of day or if something in general triggers your emotions. I have a friend just like this and she has bipolar and anxiety disorder, not saying that you do but either way talking with someone who doesn't know either one of you and getting their input really helps. Good luck and hope this helps : )

Reading this reminds me of my relationship, only in the reverse. Thing is, I know my BF is depressed and either he doesn't know or simply doesn't want to acknowledge it and find a way to overcome it. You have to want to get passed it and your going to have to seek help so that you don't look to your mate as your own personal punching bag.

I feel the same way. I am so mean. I don't know why and I really wish I could stop. I hate myself for treating my husband that way. I have started to think that I push him away and hurt him because then when he finally does leave and/or hurt me, like everyone else has, that it will be easier. I have to remind myself that he chose to be with me knowing all my flaws and difficulties in live and loves me because and in spite of all of those things. Out of everyone else in the world he chose you just like your husband chose you.

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