Paris Hilton to Headline Berghain - WTF!

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Published on Thursday, 01 December 2016 11:09

We just got wind of what could possibly be the the worse thing to ever happen to the world of techno music.

With her newly obtained success as a DJ, Paris Hilton is set to headline what has been labeled a “breaking the boundaries of music” event at the infamous Berghain club in Berlin. That’s right folks, you heard right - what was great is now lost.

Hilton, who has been described to be at the forefront of alternative electronic music, describes herself as a master of rolling basslines who brings next level sound with a hint of fragrance to the decks. The set is the main stop of her tour celebrating the achievement of being the most successful DJ to have launched their careers from a porno.

Catching up with Hilton after her previous back-to-back set with her pet chihuahua, she explained how she got on this path. “I just love it you know? There’s something about the way I mix my songs with dirty beats, you know? I don’t know. Smell this!” As she plunged her wrist into my face for a whiff of what smelt like potpourri. “I just get up on the machines and turn the buttons, the people love it! I was born to do this.” Very convincing..

Whilst packing up her Beats by Dre DJ headphones she took some time to tell us what her plan was for the night.

“I’ll definitely begin with my 2006 hit “Stars Are Blind” over some samples of what I’ve been working on lately, I’ll then mix in some basslines and go from there. I always try to find the balance, you know? My voice and the bass needs to be one. I don’t think there are any country music lovers where I’m going so I probably won’t mix any of that in.”

Social media in Berlin is going crazy over the extremely hyped-up event that is bound to leave its mark as one of the most influential techno nights of the past decade. A spokesperson from Berghain has suggested that there will also be a Paris Hilton Perfume shop inside for anyone to complete the experience.

“We are excited to have Miss Hilton perform at our venue, it has been a long time since we sent the request and we are delighted to finally have a booking,” claimed the spokesperson. “We were hoping her pet chihuahua could make it for a surprise back-to-back set but unfortunately he was held at customs.”

Furthermore, catching up with Berliners on the streets, we asked of their feelings towards the event: “I just can’t believe it’s actually happening, first Guetta now this! Thank you, Berghain!” cried an enthusiastic fan. “It’s a great opportunity to bring Berlin techno out of the shadows and into the spotlight” claimed another. It’s clear this is what the Berlin scene has needed and the people are truly grateful for it - whether that may be the demise of techno, or not.

If you have read this the whole way through and still believed it right to the end, we are very sorry to let you down, Paris will infact not be headlining Berghain. As if! We did believe you all needed to smile this morning