FORGIVENESS IS HEALING AT ANY AGE

When I was growing up, forgiveness was an issue. By the time I was old enough to understand my mother explained, “You know, it is so easy to say ‘I am sorry’ — it pops out automatically when any of us says or does the wrong thing. Perhaps those three words are not enough to get to be forgiven.” I was confused until she explained that when I had done something wrong, she needed to know that I understood the wrong. She further explained that I needed to add the transgression to the apology.

For example, “I am sorry I spilled your perfume, I guess I should not have touched it.” This, my Mother taught me, told her that I understood what I had done wrong and might not do it again. She was almost correct. I was a teen the next time I tried her perfume and you know I was very careful.

Forgiveness is awesome. It means letting go of grudges and bitterness. According to an article by the Mayo Clinic staff “When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.” Nearly all of us have been hurt by the words of someone we respect and care about. When we forgive that person, we are not denying the hurt or justifying a wrong, we are moving on with both our lives.

Weeks ago a member of my family insulted my intelligence and threatened my independence. I spent a lot of time dwelling on the hurtful conversation, allowing my anger to take root. I realized I had to get out of that hole, forgive myself first for my sensitivity, for the grudge. We can easily become depressed over a relationship; depression is self-contagious.

Again from the Mayo Clinic article, there is a section that lists the benefits of forgiving someone. Obviously forgiveness helps to build healthier relationships. The fewer folks in our lives whom we resent, the happier and healthier we are. Peace with friends and family builds better spiritual and psychological well-being. Less stress and anxiety keeps the blood pressure down, cuts down the symptoms of depression, and for many, lowers the risk of alcohol and drug abuse.

Forgiveness is not easy to reach. Each of us has our own religious or spiritual belief about it. For me, when resentment and wrongful actions occur between people, it is up to the people involved to reach for forgiveness. When we break God’s rules, our own prayers and beliefs need to be called upon.

How do we reach forgiveness? Again Mayo Clinic states, “Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change.” How important is the forgiveness to our life? The big question for me is, do I enjoy the role of victim? When I played tennis frequently, I was the poorest player in a foursome. I used to hit that ball hard, repeating to myself, “I will not be the victim” each time, until I relaxed and my game improved.

So I picked up the phone and apologized to my niece for holding a grudge, resenting her concern and what I thought was highhanded directions. She also apologized; once again we can talk as friends.

Agnes Herman is a freelance columnist. Contact her at (760) 744-6878 or aggherman@sbcglobal.net