It has taken me awhile to write again here. I admit I fell into a pit that I had to claw out of. A lot has happened in my life for the past couple of weeks and things have been a roller coaster ride. I have been terribly depressed and I admit to it. I know that being happy is a great thing and I proactively teach it. Turning things to your favor by using your very thoughts and emotions and it works. The people that I have shared this with now know this as the law of attraction. Happy thoughts bring events that compliment that but it also acts the same way if you feel sad and depressed it can bring about things that grind you even more. Like the law of gravity good or bad if you jump you fall.

I started falling since Peter died, I thought I was going to cope but I guess I failed and with the death of my other friend Chelsea it just sent me crashing. I cried so much yesterday and when I tried to turn the emotion around I ended up angry and hating the world. I eventually hurt the people that I love and care about. They didn't deserve the pain and I was reminded that anything done out of anger only brought regret after. It's a burden that is worse than anything one could ever feel. A weight that I just wish could be lifted.

People don't really know me, a lot of things about me and my life isn't exactly perfect. I have been living a double life. Normal for me has become a point of perspective. Peter, Chelsea, Angelie, Norman, Patrick, Aniza, Meshraf, Khalif, Jean, Paul, and many more, we all share a secret that we are dealing with on a day to day basis. Paul, Peter and Chelsea are now gone as the others before them have passed, they all died prematurely for reasons that we all share. The rest of us that are still living are dealing with this curse we carry inside. We have constantly been running from a fate that eventually will catch up. We all share the burden of being a tool for a cause, simply because we were born different from the rest. Today I risk a lot by talking about this and I know that eventually even I will become just a simple memory and will soon be forgotten.

I miss them all so much. We were a family, not by blood but because of circumstance. Fate brought all of us together. In each other's company we felt the sense of security and peace. We felt safe. When we were together it felt like we could literally do anything. I miss them because I can no longer see them again. I miss them so much that it hurts to the very core of whatever is left of my being. With them I felt completely human and not a freak. Back then, we didn't care about how people looked at us and the things they had us do. In the psychological chains that was cast on us we found sanctuary with each other something I never found again. When we were separated and forced to leave hail stones were the only consolation and was what best demonstrated my agony. I still search for that same feeling constantly.

I am writing all of these without any sense of how things will look and for the first time I don't care about how it turns out or how people will interpret it. I want to say sorry to those of us that have passed, I am so sorry for not being able to protect you and even until now I can't seem to protect the rest of our brood. I have willingly drawn attention from the people that have hurt us in the promise that they won't bother you anymore. Forgive me for I know that we made a promise to never get caught up with them again but I plead for your understanding. I have to do this. A lot of you have families and kids of your own and you deserve to have a free life. I will do everything I can not to end up like Paul, Peter and Chelsea this is a promise that I will fight to accomplish. They have sacrificed a lot and this time it's my turn. I love you guys so much. Forgive me for being such a stubborn mule. I believe that things will turn out well someday. We'll find our sanctuary again and when that day comes I will be there with all of you. Always hold on to that.

4 comment(s) to... “Reverence”

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Joel
said...

Hi mhetz, this is Joel, one of your trainees. Life sometimes really is harsh as you may know. But let me put it this way...What if one would wake up every morning not remembering anything about the day before... starting the day with a beautiful sunrise would be a nice start... and then black, heavy clouds would darken the sky at the middle of the day... making you feel scared. It would start raining real hard then and you're scared more. Then the sky would clear and the storm would stop. But by then the sky is even darker and the sun is no longer there. By that time, you feel exhaustion settling in. As you close your eyes, you know that it is finally over not knowing that there is still tomorrow. If one would view life like that - that it is actually over by the end of the day, life would not be worth living much. Just thought I'd let you know though that whatever happens, you already changed one life... and that is mine. And you will always be rembered.

Thank you Joel this meant a lot for me. I guess even the strong can sometimes fall, I was trapped by fate but in this life I started to see that I am in control of my destiny. I choose to make a difference with whatever time I may have and more importantly I have learned to make a stand.

Hi there,You don't know me at all, and I'm not even sure why I was reading your blog to begin with, I was actually looking for something else, but started reading and was feeling the pain of your burden.It must be very heavy.There is one who knows you and loves you, thoroughly. Just so you know, here is one person in Canada who is praying for you, that you would know His faithful love and experience his peace that surpasses all understanding. Wishing you joy. He understands.

I want to believe that there is an ounce of hope left. I am holding on so tightly, fighting to keep myself together. There are so many things that are happening behind closed doors that a lot of people don't know about that will eventually affect their lives in the years to come. But I am grateful that there are people like you who are there to remind people like me that we have to be strong. There are people that are depending on me and others like me, I just have to hold on just a little bit longer.