Wednesday, January 19, 2011

we actually did the opposite...

... The holidays for us were not what we had intended, and the emotional strain that resulted in this period caused some serious concern on how things were going to move on. Could we find a find a solution that fosters the peace and happiness we have so desired in the home? The one thing we were certain of was the need to change our approach...it was clearly not working.

...I truly believe that regardless of whether or not you are dealing with Autism, there always comes a time where a shift in parenting needs to occur. Even with our youngest, we have found the need to change our approach as he developed and grew. What once worked so beautifully at three may not be working anymore at four, and it often takes a few weeks of frustrations to finally realize that a shift needs to occur.

..With our eldest, the shifts are more dramatic, and the the moments in between can often leave you feeling helpless and lost. After hearing some unwanted advice about what we should do (you may be able to make sense of it in the above image...), I took a step back and realized it was time to make that shift again...albeit a much more positive one that would respect the wonderful person that he is.

...I needed to let go a bit more, and give him more freedom and independence to do things without me looking over his shoulder all the time. Letting him accomplish some more challenging tasks without my watchful eye changed the way he felt, and allowed him to feel the respect I have for him. He wanted me to ask him questions, and thus allow myself to be the learner...it made him feel good, and I soon realized that this was one of those shifts that needed to occur. He wasn't feeling the respect that I had for him, because I wasn't showing it enough.He was showing me that, and for a long time I didn't see it. Now I do, and because of that, the peace and calm we so loved having has returned.

Whatever the momentary ups and downs you and your family experience it is so clear how much you love, respect and care for your boys. This will be imprinted in their hearts and serve them well through life. Thanks so much for sharing. It's brave to be so honest.

appreciate this post. I've found myself struggling lately with the absence of peace & happiness in our family. how to find a balance that gives us all respect & peace of mind...sigh. have also received unwanted advice..."why don't you spank him? It worked for us." yeah, it did...along with 20 yrs. of therapy.

parenting is about learning and growing and being open to figuring it out as you go. i'm not sure where the "mother(or father) knows best" thing came about cause it seems like we are all just doing our best to find our way to our best. i have a teenage girl so i feel the lack of peace and happiness often...sigh. your painting is beautiful and moving.

My children are now adults and some are having children of their own. I find I am still having to make these shifts in understanding and response toward them. I am continually learning! I think you are justified in using your own instincts to modify the way you treat your children. We want them to grow into adults, not dependants!

Absolutely beautiful post! I can understand how you felt anxious to post this, but there is so much love and truth in it... We went through such a dramatic change like the one you are talking about this summer and looking from the distance of time, I realize like you did, that my son was showing me what I needed to know, but I was not seeing it. I am really happy for you that peace and calm are your roommates again and I hope they stay for good!

I was that kid, and mom got that advice, back in 1992.They (doctors) said i was retarded & hyperactive, n gave me benzodiazepines "horse-dose", and adviced "special" schooling. She broke prescriptions and never talked about it till 2008.I have comorbid ADHD+asperger+depressive bipolar. Diagnosed in 2007, it was me who researched the reasons for my problems, virtues and differences with others, my low performance at university, and depressions. Then i went to doctors on my own, and got diagnosed. Also got an IQ test-170.

She never treated me as a retard. But she always talked more and in the way i could understand. I cant understand really simple things, or keep many friends, but not having been just a special boy, but one like any other in special care terms has made me strong.

Im about to marry, have a flat, career...

If she had taken the prescriptions and/or taken me to a special school... Probably i'd not have a normal life.Medical "tags" are only clues to know better the expectations on the kid, but never a reason to limit the kid.Im 23.

I thank you in the name of your son.Because i had the luck to have a mother that did that same thing. When he grows up, he will thank you too.