What once ensured that I sat at a table next to the teacher is now posted, Monday through Friday.

I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, May 9, 2014

Wherein I Place a Phone Call

I have to call someone I know will appreciate this.

“Mary!”

“Herrow,” she says.

I am hurrying from work, heading toward the bus stop,
heels clicking on the marble, yoga bag bouncing.I have stuffed my lunch bag into my purse,
and I adjust it as it slips off my shoulder.“I just witnessed something that, if I could reach it right now, would
leave me scratching my head.”

“Oooooh,” Mary says mildly.“Tell me.”

I push through the front doors, merge into the foot
traffic on the sidewalk.The concrete is
wet, the skies a dark, murky soup.“Well,” I say, “you know the little conversation areas set up in the
lobby of the City Center?”

“I am,” Mary says, “going to have to take your word for
it.”

“Do,” I say.“I
will never lie to you.”

“Good to know,” she says.

I am at the lights, waiting to cross the street.A woman with bright purple hair smiles at me,
and I smile back.

“The guy is taking a picture of his armpit!”Standing in line for the bus now, the woman
in front of me turns around, narrows her eyes at me.Did I
just say what she thought I said?

“That’s right,” I say.“He’s got his arm up, the sleeve pulled aside, and he’s taking a picture
of his armpit, right there in the lobby.He sees me see him, gets this super weird look on his face.I don’t know what to say, what kind of
expression to have on my face, nothing.”

“What,” Mary says, “a thing?Are you asking me if taking a selfie of your
armpit is a thing now?”

“Right,” I say.“That’s my question to you.”

“Well,” Mary says, chuckling, “since Madonna took a
picture of her armpit at the end of
March, I believe it’s trending.”And
with that, Mary starts to laugh. A woman known to go weak in the knees and fall over in the throes of enjoyment, I listen for what is sure to come next, and I am not disappointed.

There is the sound of her falling off her chair.

“Oh, God,” she says, between breaths. I picture her laying on her back in the center of her kitchen floor. “Oh, God.It’s trending, Pearl.I’m pretty sure this armpit thing is” – there
is a muffled sound, possibly of Mary wiping the tears from her eyes – “this
whole thing is trending.”

I start to laugh as well. Mary and I, raised in a time where recalcitrant cassette tapes were rewound with the eraser-ends of pencils and in a world were potpourri was pronounced "pot purry", do enjoy these modern times.

I look around suddenly, realizing that I'm the woman on the bus talking about someone else having taken a picture of their
armpit.

I'm not talented at taking selfies and I have ended up with shots of the corner of my ear, or two of my teeth on the far left side... but an intentional armpit selfie breaks new ground. One of the many times I'm glad I'm not trending.

I tried to take a selfie (not my arm pit!) for a post, and could not get it right. I tried 5 times and never got myself into the frame correctly...then Mrs. C showed me how to flip the camera so you could see what you were snapping. Clearly I remember rewinding a cassette tape with an eraser end. Well I do now that you remind me.