Have you ever been flamed in 18 point, navy blue, Comic Sans? It's hard to express anger with something that looks like a child's birthday party invitation. This email is from someone upset about my Rejuvenique review.

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Rejuvenique

July 16, 1999, by Paul Lucas

One of the creepier entries in the campaign to make over-the-hill women look younger is Rejuvenique: The Ultimate Facial Toning System.
Powered by a 9-volt battery, Rejuvenique is a mask which is supposed to tighten-up facial muscles by injecting electric current into them. Users are expected to endure 15 minutes of this 3-4 times a week.

Hosted by Linda Evans, the former Dynasty star and New Age aficionado, this infomercial introduces us to the Rejuvenique mask and its inventor, Dr. George Springer, “a past associate professor of dermatology who’s also been practicing holistic medicine for the past 19 years.” Practicing holistic medicine? That’s reassuring!

The Rejuvenique Mask

Linda holds up the Rejuvenique mask and comments, “It looks like something out of Phantom of the Opera“actually it looks more like something out of Silence of the Lambs. And in spite of all the gentle language used to describe how the mask worksthat it “sends a mild impulse” through “gold-plated facial cushions”Rejuvenique puts one in mind of electro-shock therapy, Frankenstein’s monster, and the good ol’ electric chair.

Dr. Springer brags that the result of all this electricity is like doing 8 sit-ups a second on your face. If that sounds exhausting, don’t worry: one testimonial promises, “It’s exercising your face without the sweat.”

Rejuvenique and Linda Evans

More than most infomercials, this one makes a big deal out of the fact that the celebrity personally vouches for the product. “When I first heard about the Rejuvenique system, I have to admit I was very skeptical…I requested a special trial just for this show,” Linda Evans tells usand, of course, New Age channeling enthusiasts are renown for their steely-eyed skepticism.

The Electric Rejuvenique Acid Test

The women who participated in that “special trial” are then interviewed by Dr. Springer and two of his colleagues. The ladies say that the electric probes of the Rejuvenique mask improved their faces almost immediately (though both the doctors and the women refrain from describing the results as being “fast as lightening”). After extolling the mask, these women tell of their experiences with other infomercial products: one describes the complexity of a facial massage system, another complains that an exercise gadget placed in the mouth caused cramps in her cheek muscles.

The infomercial closes with the doctor revealing, “The letters we’ve gotten from women actually bring tears to your eyes,” and Linda solemnly intoning, “…it’s just the most useful thing for every woman who’s going to age.”

This infomercial banks on the trustworthiness of Linda Evans, combined with female anxiety over sagging faces, being enough to convince women to rev up Old Sparky.