If you really knew me

Yesterday, I became completely enthralled by MTV. This isnot atypical for me. However, this show “If You Really Knew Me” — really made me wish it existed when I was in school. Basically, what the show is centered around is a couple really powerful motivational speakers who do some really powerful – and simple – activities with high school students. They share personal facts about their lives, which, coupled with the activities, encourages the students to open up about their personal lives and share what they’ve been feeling/dealing with throughout life — and on a daily basis. They start off every sentence with “If you really knew me, you’d know that…” and some of their stories are incredible. Every episode I’ve seen involves the teens in tears, (and me — I’m a huge baby) embracing their peers with a level of understanding and compassion that I wish I had the guts to show in high school.

I wound up talking with a friend last night about what I was like in high school/college/early 20’s. My friend didn’t know me then, and while I thought of starting off with “If you really knew me…” I didn’t. I just summarized high school/college/early 20’s Amanda up by saying “Super super shy, was a cheerleader for two years, really came out of my shell around senior year, thought I had a life/love plan, but learned the most about what I really want from life last year” or something like that. Yawn. Sometimes, the little things that we think are unglamorous and unimportant are especially hard to admit — but they’re the things that make us realize how far we’ve come and how unique we really are. So, let me try:

If you really knew me, you’d know that I struggled with self-image and hated getting my school picture taken. I had braces and hated them. I felt awkward and ugly when other girls looked beautiful. If you really knew me in 10th grade, I spent a lot of time praying and hoping I wasn’t called upon to read out loud because I somehow developed a stutter when it came to words starting with “F” and “W”. It made me cry in the bathroom after class a few times and to this day, I have no idea how the stutter just went away. If you really knew me, you’d know that I regret being the girl who always seemed to have a boyfriend. I wish I had spent my college years focusing on me, instead of worrying about what, or who, he was doing. If you really knew me, you’d know that I don’t think it’s too late to go for it. For anything.

That was good. I feel…lighter. It’s OK if you don’t want to share. I still heart you.

Amanda Talar

54 Responses

If you really knew me, you’d know that even though I come off as a no BS tell it like it is type of girl, I actually get knots in my stomach and may be driven to tears if I find out I may have, or did, hurt someone’s feelings… no matter who they are (enter “tweet-ology” to B.C.). I care a lot more about my image than I make people believe. I wish I would have learned that it’s okay to be nice to and befriend people outside of your clique before senior year of high school, but I’m glad I opened up eventually. If you really knew me, you’d know that bask in silence despite the fact that I talk loudly and a lot. And while I normally enjoy a clean house, I make a freakin’ mess in the kitchen.

This makes me feel like Karen Smith (Mean Girls) standing in front of all the girls at school saying “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Noble. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it… aaaand I’m sorry for repeating it now.”

I watched that the other day and cried. I think all high schools and middle schools should have a program like that.

If you really knew me you would know that my calm exterior is hiding tons and tons of anxiety on the inside. You would know that I don’t and never have had confidence of my looks mostly because I was a very tall girl and was made aware of it hourly by anyone who could speak. You would know that I am scared of change, wish I made less emotional decisions and really like being alone.

Phew….I do feel better. Now try and do that surrounded by 10 of your peers of who you are not friends with.

I was also very shy up until high school, which I think was actually attributed to my stuttering problem at a very young age… it has gone away now, and only seems to resurface when I’m a little tipsy at a bar and trying to order a drink (very inopportune time to stutter.) “If you really knew me” I saw a counselor in high school due to the changing landscape I was in; growing up; going to college, changing cliques of friends, and to this day I believe she is the reason I never worry about anything.

On another note, do you remember when “MTV” (which stands for Music Television) actually showed music videos and not reality tv 24/7?? 🙂

I also love this show, and always think what I would say- so here goes.

If you really knew me you would know that I’m so self-conscious about my looks. That in fact, when I go out with my son with me I feel better because I think that then people will say- maybe she has a little extra belly b/c she has a baby. Even though I’m told that I don’t have extra belly. People always think I’m so self-confident and if you really knew me you would know that I am in my personality but not in my body. And I get mad at myself about it because I’m a 29 year old wife and mother and I know inside that there are so many more important things in life than how you look. But I just can’t let go of it. whew – I could go on all day about things people don’t know about me.

I was also extremely shy in middle/high school and know I was perceived as a snob, it was really b/c of my inability to socially interact with others outside my group. If you really knew me you would know I have developed a sleeping disorder b/c of my anxiety. If you really knew me, you would know how much I regret not keeping in touch with past friends. You would also know my fear of being chased and raw chicken and my dream of a breast reduction.
I agree, this type of speaking/motivation event really could work wonders in middle school, it’s crazy how our social stigmas effect young people & how cruel middle/high school can be.

This sounds like it would make me cry. And I agree with Kally (#2) – it sounds like a program that could be of some benefit to just about anyone going through their teens…or young adults…or really, anyone.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I used to be much more cynical and closed off than I am now. I was afraid to reach out to people because I was afraid of getting hurt. You’d know that I didn’t start to get over that until life forced me to make a really tough choice. You’d also know that I am very happy with the life I’m building now, and very grateful for all the good that I’m surrounded with. You’d know that the happiness and joy I show now is very genuine, and I truly believe life is a gift. You’d also know that despite all the changes I’ve made, I know I’m still a work in progress and I struggle, every single day, to not fall back into the “I’m not good enough” mentality.

I think everyone isn’t what they seem, and no one has it easy, although it takes a really long time to figure that out. Now that I have a son, it’s hard to watch him going through the same growing pains that I did. I do what I can to let him know he’s not alone, but I guess it’s just one of those things you have to learn the hard way, and on your own.

I love this show. As someone who taught at a middle school, this program would be so beneficial to junior high kids and high schoolers. Bullying is so bad in schools.

If you really knew me, you’d know that as confident as I seem Im super insecure. I never feel like Im good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, successful enough etc…
If you really knew me, you’d know I hate change and struggle everyday to make choices that are best for me and my daughter.

Great post Amanda 🙂
If you really knew me you’d know that to see others in pain or going through hardships breaks my heart. You’d know that I’m overly sensitive and even seeing someone let-down in what may seem like a small way makes me hurt for that person. You’d know that I care about others’ happiness often more than my own and struggle to make decisions to help them. You’d know that no matter what my weight is or has been there will always be that part of me that thinks it’s not good enough, even though it’s fine.
phew. Thanks for letting us spill our guts amanda

I’ve always gone through life assuming other people have it more
together than me or more figured out than I do. It is such a hard
assumption for me to break.

If you knew me, you’d know that I am always worrying about other people’s feelings, sometimes to the point of short changing myself. You’d know that even though I seem reasonably attractive today, I still see myself as the ugly duckling with braces, glasses and awful acne from teenage years.

If you knew me, you’d know that I feel that I can’t handle major changes since I am afraid of falling apart and not being able to cope. Yet I’ve always surprised myself and been just fine anyway. But I am so afraid of someone saying “I told you so” if I mess something up.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m really not as “okay” as I seem to be with everything in my life. That when I joke about never getting married, I’m not really joking, and I really do feel like it is my station in life to be alone. You’d know that where I come from & how I was raised still resonates strongly with me – that I will never forget growing up poor & the lessons I learned from my parents because of that. And that nothing makes me happier than hearing my family tell me that they’re proud of me.

This is an amazingly fantastic post Amanda. Although I can’t share the most interesting stuff with the blogosphere, I suppose I can share a small list. If you really knew me, you would know how much it bothers me when someone doesn’t like me for no reason or doesn’t tell me the reason. You would know that I’m not as big of a b*tch as I come off, I just need an intimidation factor. 🙂

Thank you so much for sharing your personal info. I came across this show one night as well and I was in tears. High school is such a difficult time for many kids these days. I masked a lot of my emotions when I was in high school, but deep down I was hurting tremendously. Everyone always thought I was the pretty/happy girl in school, but inside I struggled with body image, never thinking I good enough, I was the girl that always had a boyfriend up until a year and a 1/2 ago,amoung other things. I do still struggle with some stuff, but I now realize that I don’t need a man in order to feel self worth. I can, and have been able to focus on ME and get to know myself. It’s an amazing feeling! 🙂

I thought this show looked stupid and corny, but I watched an episode and I had tears in my eyes during. It really is powerful, and this sort of program would have been great during highschool back when I attended. I think it would have resolved a lot of issues.

If you really knew me in highschool, you would know that the tough/humorous exterior that I portrayed was covering up the fact that I really was insecure with myself and how others thought about me so I found it easier to always be laughing and not let people see how I really felt. Obviously now that I am grown, I know that keeping feelings in and shrugging things off as if they don’t matter when in fact they really do bother you is unhealthy and you should let people know how you really feel.

Wow Goose, I thought I knew all the gang signs/colors… at least the ones in Albany. Didn’t know that one, I just always thought that was sign language for “I love you.” Does it matter which way your hand is turned?

If it doesn’t… then I have some bad news for my sister who got the sign tatooed on her back thinking it meant “I love you.”

Anywho… If you really knew the CHILD me, I was talkative to the point where I got time outs in school. It appeared that I craved attention. Although friends would tell me I was beautiful or pretty, I was horribly insecure. I always felt like a homely child, just average, with horrible huge 80s bangs. I was never impeccably thin, never really chunky…just kind of there. I was that girl who needed everyone’s approval.

If you really knew the ADULT me you’d know that although I may appear calm and collected on the outside, inside my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and my stomach is doing somersaults. You see my husband had an emotional affair for three months (WAIT! don’t hate on me for being upset over an emotional affair, I’ve heard it all already) and I just haven’t been able to get over it. I force myself to concentrate on getting work done throughout the day and lie to people and say we’re fine. In reality, he’s fine because he’s a self-centered schmuck and I’m… well I’m a work in progress I guess. I try to portray a confident woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t put up with BS, but it’s a facade. Maybe one day it’ll be truth.

i like this blog post SO much Amanda – its like group therapy for all of us!

if you really knew me, you’d know that I get involved in so much because i like to feel like i have control over things – even when i really can’t do anything to control them. You’d know that my ultimate dream is to have my own business, but deep down inside i wouldn’t mind being a mom and housewife with lots of fun hobbies 🙂

…you’d know that i have a huge soft spot for dogs, soldiers, and kids with lisps since i luckily outgrew mine 20 years ago…

You sound very “real”. Being a “work in progress” means you’re very self aware and courageous enough to work on yourself. I understand your desire to be confident and independent etc….but don’t forget being a little vulnerable just makes you human….and MUCH more interesting than self centered folks. You may be closer to perfection than you allow yourself to think. Your husband sounds like he’s nowhere near it, and sees no need to work towards it. He must be fun…:0)

From what you said about yourself I think you are getting closer to figuring it out!! I don’t know what “it” is but it is funny how sometimes if you worry a little more about yourself and not really worry so much about everyone/thing else everyone/thing ends up better off..

And to play along with the topic, I’d say if you really knew me, you’d understand that much of what I say/do is to see what kind of reaction I can draw from the other person. Though I will add, this never includes hurting someone or making someone really angry. Perhaps this is best explained with an example: Like tonight, I was sitting at a table with 5 girls(No Amish, however):-( and they were talking of their pets……when I chimed in and said ‘My dog loves going for rides in the car and I like to tease him-I’ll ask him if he wants to go for a ride and he gets all excited, but then I leave without him’.
Now, I really don’t do this because I love my dog, but I knew I’d get reactions like “THAT IS SO MEAN”, “THATS AWFUL”, “I HATE YOU” etc..It is fun, in a warped kind of way.

It might interest you to know that the technique used in “If” is frequently part of a basic “brainwashing” program. There are very sound reasons why individuals keep certain feelings and experiences to themselves–only revealing these “secrets” to a person or persons whom they trust, at the right time and in the right place.
Indiscriminate “emptying out” is dangerous and could be used against you.

Bob, you may be one of the types of people who have tried to garner my interest by looking for a reaction from me while on the job (I’m a service agent).

If you REALLY knew me, you’d know that I can’t stand that kind of behavior because it forces me to focus all my attention on you versus another customer or task. It’s kind of like having a toddler pull on your pant leg yelling, “Mommy, mommy! MOMMY!” while you’re on the phone trying to sort out a mess with the electric bill.

I more then love this show, but have yet to find anyone else who is talking about it! It absolutely amazes me how they are able to get these kids to open up in such a short amount of time (I wonder what else goes on that they don’t wind up showing on TV). I wish that every single middle and high school could get visited by these people. Start the kids off early and hopefully eventually the problems in high school will diminish. Great program and it makes me wonder how someone can get involved in working with a group like that. I cry at the struggles these kids face every single episode, and am amazed at how quickly they can become friends and learn to open up to each other and grow and hopefully pass the lessons along to the rest of their classmates.

‘Wow Goose, I thought I knew all the gang signs/colors… at least the ones in Albany. Didn’t know that one, I just always thought that was sign language for “I love you.” Does it matter which way your hand is turned?’ – Problem with that is, there are no gangs in Albany, just a bunch of snot-nosed wannabees who are poor imitations of the real deal. And like we talked about over the weekend, it doesn’t matter which way you hold it, it means the same thing…at least to other gangmembers. To your sister, who is probably not a rival of the Latin Kings, I’m sure she’ll be just fine. Tell her to keep her 9mm close by, when hanging out late at night in Queens and Brooklyn though.

I’ve since watched this show… and yes, Gooser, it’s overly edited like every other MTV show. But didn’t you think back to high school and think of all the cliques and wish everyone could just love each other?

I’m with you – I LOVE this show, and I’m thrilled that my teenaged daughter loves it, too. I remember cringing when people would say that high school was supposed to be the best years of my life. It wasn’t. So many kids feel that same pressure. It’s nice to find a show that pops that bubble, as well as reveals the hidden struggles that so many high schoolers face. Very eye-opening.

im a hs student myself, im a sophmore at john paul stevens hs in san antonio texas..
well i really think that my school, and a school called brandice needs the if you really knew me people..
i myself have so many problems, im thinking more then any one at that school.. if you really knew me, you would know how bad my life can be sometimes.. but the reason im writing this is bc at brandice, there was a girl that went there, that hung herself, this was last week,, and on wensday, a guy that was her friend, hung himself. i was wondering like “why is there so many students hanging themselves all of a sudden”, well at that school, there is a clique called “the wolves” and each week, one person in that clique is gonna kill themselves.. the cops talked to that group of kids, and from the looks of it, they wont stop.. at my school (john paul stevens) about two years ago, a boy name christian was walking to school and got killed by a car.. we do need help..