Cheryl S. Lay of El Paso (Leslie & Lay, P.C.) serves as an associate municipal court judge — and she recently had this motion presented to her to recall a warrant:

“DEFENDANT’S MOTION TO WITHDRAW AWARRANT AND TO SET MATTER FOR HEARING”…2. Defendant is a teenage boy and therefore, as a matter of law, doesn’t have a lick of good sense. Despite the fact that his parents are licensed attorneys, Defendant felt it was the better course to not tell them about the citations. Therefore, upon information and belief, the dog ate the citations. …

“Paul Van Osselaer of Austin … was hoping that the alternative relief would be granted just to figure out what is going on. He submitted this entry as a potential winner as the most confusing document title, deleting the actual names of the parties to protect the guilty. It’s from a filing in the U.S. District Court in San Antonio:

“DEFENDANT’S REPLY TO PLAINTIFF’S RESPONSE TO DEFENDANT’S MOTION TO STRIKE PLAINTIFF’S REPLY TO DEFENDANT’S OPPOSITION TO PLAINTIFF’S MOTION FOR PROTECTIVE ORDER, OR, IN THE ALTERNATIVE, APPLICATION FOR HEARING.”

From Roger A. Berger of Houston, who was defending a hospital emergency room group in a malpractice case, this excerpt from the deposition of the administrator of the Group. The question by the plaintiff's counsel was intended to define the different types of emergency room patients - but it elicited a literal answer.

This deposition excerpt is from Marvin L. Cook of San Antonio (he is general counsel of Southwest Business Corp.). The plaintiff in a slip-and-fall case is being questioned about the injuries allegedly suffered at the time of the fall.

This is only one of several excerpts sent to me by Al Ellis of Dallas from a single deposition which "totally, fully, and without reservation supports the theory that depositions should never be taken!"

Q. So, if somebody was behind you -

A. Uh-huh.

Q. - directly behind you -

A. Uh-huh.

Q. - and they saw - and you were about to change lanes to your right, they would not see your front go to the - Let me start over again.

A. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Q. Okay, if somebody's behind you -

A. Yeah.

Q. - and they're - your right blinker is on -

Q. Right.

Q. - they see your right blinkers on -

A. Right.

Q. - if you had started to change lanes -

A. Uh-huh.

Q. - your back end -

A. Go ahead.

Q. - wouldn't necessarily have crossed the dividing line right at the beginning, would it?

A. All right. Well, I put it this way: The trailer follow - the trailer follow the tractor.

Judge William L. Baskette, Jr. of Kerr County sends this "unplanned discussion" which took place in a hearing before him:

The Court: And what is the basis of your motion? Do you have any case law or anything you'd like to cite to the Court at this time?

Attorney: In our last hearing in this case, I was left here with the thought that the Court had said based on some 25 cases of Mr. Stehling's that the Court was issuing an edict or ruling, or a ruling that he contemplated or whatever, saying that if the state —

From Jeffrey S. Lisson of Winston-Salem, N.C., this excerpt from a deposition he "recently took of a maintenance supervisor for a hotel at which a paraplegic woman I represent was scalded in a hotel bathroom."

Q. [By Mr. Lisson]: Have you ever undergone any training or gone to any seminars from the American Hotel/Motel Association?

From Judge David R. Gibson of Dallas (County Court at Law No. 1) this excerpt from am affidavit filed in connection with a special appearance in his court:

11. On Nov 2nd, 1992, I attended a business meeting at the offices of Smith Import and Export Company as an observer. Also attending this meeting were John Smith, Mike Smith and Ali Smith. During the meeting, Ali Smith became enraged. He shot and killed himself. The bullet entered and excited my left shoulder, and lodged in my neck near my spinal column.

From Ernest Reynolds, III of Fort Worth, this excerpt from his direct examination of an expert witness who had consulted with him on several other cases. The opposing attorney was Tom Webb of San Angelo.

Q. We know each other personally; is that correct?

A. We do.

Q. I have even been introduced to your wife, your children, and your dogs; is that correct?

A. I think that's right.

Mr. Webb: May it please the court, we have been pretty tolerant, but on the deposition we spent 10 pages on dogs. I don't want to be an obstruction but I object to the dogs. I would like for us to get on with the case. That's not relevant that he has met his dog.

Mr. Reynolds: May we proceed, Your Honor?

The Court: I'll at least let you inquire as to his present dog's name.

Mr. Reynolds: Q. What is the name of your present dog?

The Witness: A. Well, I actually have two now, one that you know and a new one. And the old -

Mr. Webb: He's gone beyond it, judge. We have spent 20 minutes on deposition on this and I object to it.

From Carolyn J. Johnsen of Phoenix, Ariz. (Herbert Schenk & Johnsen) - Carolyn was a law clerk for U.S. District Judge Hal Woodward of Lubbock - this excerpt from the deposition of the guarantor's wife who was accused of altering the signatures on the guarantee:

Q. Your husband did not request you to "X" out your name on the guaranty?

From Judge James A. Blackstock of Angleton (County Court at Law No. 3 and Probate Court), this bit of direct examination by the state's attorney who is interrupted by an objection by the guardian ad litem for the children.

Q. Describe your daughter, Dianna, for me.

A. Dianna's a smart girl. She's a pretty girl.

Q. What's her personality like, Mr. S____?

A. Well, for the past few years, all I've seen her is for visitation; so, it's hard to get a handle on that.

Q. You have no idea what her personality is like?

A. Being that she was taken from my home in 1985, I haven't had enough contact with her to really know much about the things she likes to do.

Ad Litem: Objection, Your Honor, the witness is testifying.

Father's attorney: Which is exactly what he's supposed to be doing, Your Honor.

Court. Overrule the objection.

Judge Blackstock notes that the imaginative objection, although overruled, was apparently effective because the jury voted unanimously to terminate parental rights.

In response to my letter asking the parties in one of my cases to agree to a trial before Magistrate Judge Bill Sanderson, I received this reply from the plaintiff's lawyer (which caused me to take the rest of the day off):

I discussed your letter at length with my client. Her case is an age discrimination case. She stated that she would be more comfortable if you were the Judge because she believes that you, as an older judge, would be more likely to understand how age discrimination can affect a person.

In Memory of Judge Jerry Buchmeyer, 1933-2009
Real life Texas Courtroom Humor.
From 1980 to 2008, U.S. District Judge Jerry Buchmeyer entertained lawyers far and wide with his "et cetera" column in the Texas Bar Journal.
For this page, we've reached into the vault to bring you classic material spanning two decades of courtroom humor, most of which comes straight from actual depostions and trials.