99 Million Year Boner Found on Burmese Spider

A spider was discovered in Burma fossilized with a 99-million-year boner, nearly half the size of his body.

This specific daddy longlegs was given its own name for sporting such a unique hog, according to industry journal “The Science of Nature.” We’re guessing this publication doesn’t cover too many spider boners.

This stud died like Bruce Willis … hard. Chances are, this guy was close to sealing the deal until the tree sap cockblocked him while her eight legs were spread and waiting.

[Ed. Correction: These spiders use their penises by inserting them into genital openings next to female’s mouths. So, it was BJ week. Noted.]

The bug must have fallen into tree resin while buying his partner a third round of daiquiris and became trapped in amber, making it the most perfectly preserved boner fossil on record.