I’m positive there’s a man somewhere in Pakistan right now staring Paradise in the eye, ready to explode himself into a fine mist if it means preventing this kind of freedom from ever taking hold in his homeland, thereby enabling the possibility of his daughter faking an orgasm on stage in front of cheering strangers.

This is why the name of the event itself is misleading -– it’s a “world” championship that could never be global and is only contested by Americans and Canadians in a handful of selected cities, just like the “World” Series.

If you haven’t already figured out what the Air Sex World Championships are about from the name, here’s a more detailed explanation from the official website:

It’s a lot like Air Guitar, but instead of rocking out with an imaginary guitar, you’re making sweet and / or filthy love with an imaginary sex partner. You choose a clip of music, you show up in whatever sort of wardrobe you like, and you come up on stage and show everyone how you do it.

Competitors are given approximately two minutes to simulate meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse. If you’re like me, you’ll probably want to save at least 30 seconds at the end for crying and apologizing.

The performers are pretty much allowed to do anything they want during their performance so long as they respect the guidelines laid down by the event organizers, for as a great man once said “This isn’t ‘Nam. There are rules”:

1. Contestants cannot be naked at any point during their performance, because it would make the event too much like amateur night at a strip club

2. All orgasms must be simulated. (Shout out to my ex: Crystal, you out there reading this? Sign up!)

I first heard about this event back in 2009 when it came to Toronto, but I didn’t really think much of it at the time. I figured it was a curiosity that would eventually die out. Two years later however, the competition has expanded, becoming more popular than ever. The Air Sex World Championships has managed to pick up official sponsorship and a significant amount of media coverage. Who would’ve guessed that our culture would be so quick to embrace a contrived conceptual vehicle that mainly serves as a platform for public humiliation?

If you want an idea of what a typical routine looks like, check out this tasteful video of Air Sex competitor “Slut Truffle.” Pay special attention to the way she expertly caresses the imaginary balls attached to the invisible cock she so enthusiastically receives into her open mouth. If you look very closely, you can almost see all the hugs her father never gave her.

I won’t knock her hustle though. Sucking an imaginary dick in front of strangers is cheaper than therapy and I was able to fap to the video, so in the end everyone goes home happy.

On that note: If you’re looking for a surefire way to alienate your family and you live near any of these cities, sign up to compete in the 2011 Air Sex World Championship.

It was little noted at the time, but on the floor of the Constitutional Convention in 1789, when was hotly debated the matter of whether to include the phrase ‘Per Slut of Happiness”, there was concern, even at that time, and as always, regarding the Araby and Barbary blackamoor pirates and their “clitt-cuttinge savageries”.

Then, “just as the amity in the chamber seemed most forsaken, and the future of the new Republic seemed most darkly shrouded in dread and despair”: old Ben Franklin, that ancient and revered scientist and statesman who, it was well known, had long frequented subterranean Parisian ritual debaucheries “crosse-dressed in habits of ye nunnereys”, rose “slowly and with great care” and creakily to his rheumy and gouted feet. “The voices of the contending parties fell away, and a great hush waited upon the room”; and, with utter solemnity, that heroic figure did intone:

i checked out some of the contest vids. be forewarned; if you go to the contest probably most of the contestants are going to be bearded middle-aged barfly dudes in cargo shorts eating air-pussy and air-humping while slapping air ass.