*

Friday, March 31, 2006

Thursday, March 30, 2006

i checked my stats today and whoa, so many new visitors! welcome. thanks to the adorable PQ for linking me! i feel like i need to be funnier and smarter and thinner now. and maybe use proper punctuation.* i also feel like maybe i should give some more "me" information because i tend to skip those parts on profiles.

in a housekeeping sense, there's a reason for the no capitals. it's called the chicago manual of style and i spent many years in college slaving to it. when i started blogging i was still in college and still writing papers and the very last thing i wanted to do was replicate the anal compulsive style of paper writing online. so i gave up capitalizing. call me a rebel.

i have a degree in american history, specifically studying the american civil war. and i'm a bank teller. i never would have thought i could do a job like this and not own a gun, but i like my job and my life most of the time. i spend all day goofing around online and i get paid for it, and i get to play with money. the problem is that i also sit on my arse all day. and for a long time i went home and sat on my arse there too, and then i went to sleep. every day for almost two years.**

so for the last two years i've been neither healthy nor my ideal weight. this january i finally got around to dealing with it and now i'm trying to turn the course of my life. i cook more, i exercise more and i get out of the house more. i no longer think about what other people will think of me if i do this thing or that thing. i'm nowhere near where i want to be emotionally or physically but i'm moving instead of standing still and to me that makes all the difference.

*and capitalization**during which my mom was diagnosed with and was killed by cancer, and also i had to move three times

i totally forgot to blog yesterday. the boyfriend and i had our anniversary and i had to go out and eat a lot of dessert. i don't regret it. since annivarsaries by definition only happen once a year, it's not worth feeling bad about. and also tiramisu is yummy.

still at 185, i'm sure the desserts have nothing to do with that. what am i going to do about it? no more floundering. i'm setting a mini goal of ten pounds. i haven't decided on a time frame. maybe the end of april. ten pounds in a month? is that too much? 2.5 pounds a week. well, i'll set it and if i'm less than 185 by april 30th i'll be happy. something will have to happen if i keep up the exercise and lay off the easter bunnies.

speaking of exercise i got my pilates dvd in the mail today. i can't wait to go home and get taller. and then do my housework. scrubbing the tub must burn calories especially when it's THAT dirty.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

i was gonna write about this crazy bra i bought from lane bryant but i got distracted by eating an entire chocolate easter bunny. it wasn't a very large bunny, but now i feel very ill. i wasn't even hungry. i might be going insane. i don't know why i bought it or why i ate it. all. thankfully i'm too cheap to have bought a large one. but now i'm wondering what exercise i'm going to do when i get home to punish (for lack of a better word) myself. i don't like either that need to punish myself or the fact that i compulsively ate a whole bunny and also now i feel very ill.

i'm seeing a few too many chocolate scoffing for no reason posts. no "i really wanted something sweet and after many hours of craving i succombed". it's all just buying it and eating it all at once with no thought. that's no good. i've got to try harder not to eat the crap. i always feel sick afterward. i don't ever buy chips or junk like that i don't even buy white bread anymore and i've cut my sugar consumption atleast by half but still i buy large amounts of chocolate and just eat it for no reason. i don't even enjoy it.

i've started to feel really proud of how i've been keeping up the exercise. i need to keep feeling proud about that and stop eating like i don't really want to lose weight. i'm trying to think of this as a life change and not a diet. i don't want a life of eating chocolate all the time and then dreaming about roman vomitoriums. i want to not do that anymore. grrrr.

i skipped yesterday, so for posterity the weight was 186. i wasn't feeling very inspired and then nirvana left such a lovely comment! thank you.

i'm a bit disappointed with myself as i didn't walk this morning. it's the splin shints.* what a useless injury. i've tried stretching more and wearing different shoes. and still the shints persist. normally i'd do more pilates to make up the difference, but there is a technical issue. i don't have the dvd. i ordered one from half.com last week. since i was pms-ing i sent the netflix one back so i could have more robson green at home. i thought it would all work out (pun enjoyed but not intended). but i haven't received the new one and so i've been trying to remember the sequence and the moves without assistance and so far it's not working.

to stem the tide i pulled out an old yoga dvd. i've never liked it and i really don't like it now compared to the wonderful pilates program PQ recommended. no offense to yogi marlon, but ana caban is a better performer/teacher. i never once want to reach through the screen and choke her even if she does gesture to her own perky buns. somehow she pulls it off. i miss ana damnit! i miss pilates! it's crazy to think i'm getting into exercising to the extent that i miss it. i'm so proud of myself. and also mystified. but in a good way.

more later about lane bryant, brassiere issues, we'll see how it does in the walking competition.

*i can't seem to say "shin splints" anymore. the very definition of insult to injury.

Friday, March 24, 2006

praise the lord, the water weight is going away. i knew it would and i knew my eating wasn't on target so i'd probably be up that pound again. i am a little surprised because i didn't feel like eating the last few days, which is really weird. two nights ago i had a dream about milkduds and i woke up with a very intense feeling of having the caramel stuck in my teeth. but it didn't appeal to me to go buy some and eat them, i just didn't want them when i was awake. i think i'm reaping the first of many benefits of exercise, the lessening of the cramps. normally i have to take some advil to function around this time, but not these past few days. there has been discomfort, but only enough to keep me from buying and eating my weight in chocolate. i'm not too upset about it.

i started exercising again this morning. i generally take these days off because i tend to injure myself more easily. when i relayed to the boyfriend this information he said "is that why you gained 5 pounds?" and since i wrote such a nice missive about him yesterday i was able to restrain myself from killing him. i know i'm a bit willful but even for me a 5 pound gain from missing two walking days would be a bit much.

however, it's a bit sad to still be maintaining this 10 pound loss. i need to lose about 30 more pounds to be really happy to maintain. i'm trying to decide whether to go back to phase one of south beach (i'm doing mostly 3 right now) or just being patient and letting the body find it's own course. i've never done a dieting yo-yo thing so my metabolism shouldn't be too screwed up, just slowing with age. i'm doing more exercise and more regularly than i have in years and i am seeing improvements, part of me just wants to see numbers fall off the scale.

the boyfriend's boss keeps saying i look thinner, i thought that was all the power of black but maybe i'm being too hard on myself.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

there's been a barage of body image and fat talk on the mainstream blogs in the last two days. i just read a very long list of them here but i started out at suburban bliss because i read her every day and she's an addictive read what with the humor and the charm. so, yeah, false advertising is the theme of the day. is it false advertising to get married skinny and get fatter after marriage?

i wouldn't know anything about this because i've never really been skinny. i've been skinny in comparison to how i look now, but i've never had a flat tummy or perfect thighs or anything else that "they" say is how a woman is supposed to look. i've never looked the way you're supposed to look to attract a mate, or so society tells me, and still i've had plenty of relationships. i've dated men and women, and i've never had anyone tell me i was too fat. no one hs ever dumped me because i was too fat or told me that if i got fatter they wouldn't love me anymore. i have had lovers tell me they wanted me to be "healthy" but i've never felt or been made to feel, unnatractive. i'm the only person who says i'm fat, i don't know if that's worse or not.

i met the boyfriend through a friend and it was a bit of a blind date, except he knew who i was and what i looked like. and he liked what he saw enough to badger his friend into setting up a date. we're coming up to the close of our first year together at the end of march. i've been through a lot this year and i've put on a few pounds. he still tells me i'm beautiful, he still wants to be with me. he supports the lifestyle changes documented here because he wants me to be healthy and happy. the only thing he's ever said about my weight is that he doesn't want to see me get so fat i can't leave the house. i can't blame him because i wouldn't be much of a companion if i couldn't fit through the door. he's shown me over and over again that his love for me does not hinge on my weight, or the length of my hair or the kind of clothes i wear, but on who i am and how i make him feel when we're together. if his love hinged on any of those things, i wouldn't want it. i don't love him because he looks a certain way, i love him because he's kind to me and generous with his affection and because he unquestioningly brings me cookies from the kitchen when i'm too lazy to get them myself. life is too damn short to play by those kind of rules. some day we'll all be old and saggy and the only important thing will be getting your moneys worth at the early bird special and i'll be damned if i waste a penny of my social security by leaving the bread out of the doggy bag because someone who's supposed to love me doesn't want me to get fat.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

ah yes, the hormones. and it's not even 12 boxes of samoas it's just water weight. it's amazing. actually it makes me wonder how fat i was when i was my highest and full of hormones. no wonder none of my clothes fit then. i bet i hit 200. it's also no wonder why i always win when wrestling the boyfriend. 200 pounds is a lot of hormonal woman to wrestle with.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

yesterday i was all committed and pro-active, today i want to drown myself in a vat of sugared irish breakfast (and i have a bit). you just never know, eh? i woke up in tears, having dreamt about my mom. the dreams are so weird and i never remember what happens, if it weren't for the dream crying i wouldn't know i was dreaming about her. usually that means my hormones are starting to work their magic and that's a fantastic scapegoat for the re-emerging pound. however the monthly grieving is killing me. it makes me feel like a shell of a person and miraculously i don't give a shit about how many cookies disappear from the tray when i don't need any.

i've been upset more recently because the anniversary is coming up. not actually until may but i'm starting to feel it now. do i need more time, do i need a therapist, i'm pretty sure the sweet scoffing is not the right treatment. there are no rules for grieving. i wish there were. i wish there was a menu or a formula:

if that wasn't depressing enough the only memory i can focus on today is the time she tried to buy me a maternity dress for my senior prom because she always thought i was fatter than i was. it fucking sucks.

Monday, March 20, 2006

i might not have lost a ton of weight so far but i feel my life changing already. i'm committed to taking better care of my body and it's paying off ten fold. i don't make excuses to myself anymore. this morning i was a bit early for work, so i took a walk to the pier to take some pictures. a few months ago with similar weather i would have made some excuse about how it was too far or i'd be too tired or sweaty for work. this morning i just did it and no part of me complained. it's like i had an instant excuse area of my brain for anytime i was required to do anything physical. hike in the beautiful national park right next to your apartment, nah i really have to go buy some cookies. it's pathetic. the worst part is that i can't remember when i started doing it. i know i've been talking myself out of things for a long time, like little league and volleyball with friends. i can't remember when i started telling myself i couldn't do these things.

it's been so long that i don't even consider whether i really am capable of doing something or not. i don't know what i'm capable of because i never give myself the chance to find out. i'm so pissed at myself about that now. all those chances i wasted because i thought i was too fat to do anything. ahh, but now i am doing everything. if i can't find a genuine reason not to do something, like imminent danger or major imposition, i just do it. it even works with getting the dishes done. is there a legitimate reason not to do the dishes right now? no, then get'em done. it's wonderful, the kitchen has never been so clean.

i think it really started with the running. i've been placing more emphasis on the hiking parts of my walk for a while now because it seems to make my legs so much stronger but i need to re-focus on the running. running a few minutes every morning made me feel accomplished and convinced me that i could be running more and more if i chose to. i still jog for part of morning routine but i've been judging the workouts based on how fast i climb the hill. it's noticeably less aerobic but i'm thrilled with the results so far. i keep trying to remind myself that the more muscle i work the more calories the muscle will burn all day because the workout itself burns less calories(i think because i'm not running as much). is that the secret to the staying still scale or maybe i only lost more when i was running and doing phase one of south beach. regardless i feel great lately and i'm going to stick with things as they are. and hope for slow change.

Friday, March 17, 2006

this morning i tried to weigh myself eithout the aid of my glasses, BAD IDEA. did i think it would make me lighter? i don't know but it was completely useless as i am too blind to read numbers from 5'6" away.

i didn't go out this morning, and still my legs hurt? i haven't actually decided to make friday an off day but the shin splints are starting to get worse so i might take a day off per week. if i make it fridays maybe i'll be able to do more on a saturday when i have more time without making the legs fall off. i wouldn't want to lose them now they're getting so muscle-toned. where as last week the new and improved booty was getting all the attention, this week it's all about thighs. the boyfriend is obsessed with my leg muscles. i keep telling him he should go out with me in the mornings but he insists he'll never be as muscled as i am. he says my arm muscles are bigger than his too but it's difficult to tell under all the fat.

i found a few other pairs of pants i haven't been wearing due to the tightness and most of them fit better now. many of my favorite jeans were "shrunk" in the wash and i felt way too fat wearing them even after lunges. some of them are still too tight so maybe they did shrink. i guess i should be glad they buttoned but they were desperately close to popping seams before and now i can wear them. i'll be really happy when i have to buy a smaller size but i'm really trying not to think about that yet. i'm not losing nearly enough to be buying clothes yet. but i can keep up with the boyfriend and not wheeze pathetically when we walk. mark of improvement.

there's been no more secret eating. it was fairly ridiculous. i live alone, the boyfriend is only over a few nights a week. i can eat whatever i want most of the time and NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW. it's probably really good that i was as poor as i was because i couldn't afford to get alot of takeout and junkfood. poverty as diet aid. unfortunately it means you buy alot of budget value pasta and eat it every night. cheap yes, healthy no. i still can't stop buying on sale pasta, only now i dump it in the food pantry cart before i leave the store. they're always doing pasta drives for the food pantries. i feel like maybe they should collect stuff with more nutrition but i can't say i don't understand why they collect pasta. the number one choice of the poor and hungry.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

i kind of can't believe it, a pound lost. we'll see if i keep it off. i had a nice surprise yesterday with a pair of pants. i bought them last april to wear to meet the boyfriends parents and they fit perfectly. i've been wearing them most of the summer and the winter and they had been getting progressively tighter. the last time i wore them (3 or 4 weeks ago) i thought the button was going to fly off and take someone's eye out (thought did not discourage me from wearing them as all else was dirty, sad). i wore them yesterday and at no point did i have to suck in to button them. they didn't cut me in two. they're still snug, but so much more wearable. i'm sure i've stretched them well past their original size so i can't really see how much skinnier i was in april by wearing them. however, i bought a second pair in the gap clearance sale for 5 bucks* and i haven't worn them yet so they aren't stretched out. if i get down a few more pounds i'm going to try them again and see how they fit.

it would be nice to get back to my pre-grieving weight. i let myself make really bad choices in the name of grief and sorrow. no amount of chocolate and coke and pizza for dinner will make your mom come back to life. it only makes you fat and even more sad and then you can't walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing. i was only about 30 pounds overweight pre-grief. my highest was more like 50 and a loss like that would still only put me at the top of the range for my height. i keep thinking how long it's going to take to get back down and it discourages me until i remember i'm either going down or up and aslong as i keep moving down it's progress. it doesn't matter how long it takes because i'll still be worth it.

i should tattoo that last sentence to my forehead so i won't do dumbshit like impulse buying a nearly dead milkyway bar as evidenced yesterday. that was particularly stupid because a) milkyway's are not my favorite b) i had chocolate in my drawer already (i've made a game of resisting it, i mark a star on the calendar for every day i don't eat it if i get enough stars in a row i get some kind of prize like a box of rice-a-roni or a jet ski, i haven't decided) and c) because i had a tupperware full of grapes and strawberries that taste infinitely better than stale chocolate. maybe i shouldn't be allowed cash during the day...

*i carry forth my mother's torch for buying things i don't need only because they're cheap. and also they made my butt look good.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

ofcourse 185 is where i was a few weeks ago. i'm relieved that it's not higher. we'll see what it says tomorrow. it's probably a little early in the game but i'm trying to pretend it's muscle. some of it must be because i feel stronger. i've been working with my tiny 2 lb weights and pushing the leg muscles. i might be pushing too much as it seems i've given myself shin splints. i'm going to have to bring sneakers to work for my lunch walk.

clearly it is my own fault because i walk in my normal work shoes at lunch time. but jeez, they're dansko. they're orthopedic for goodness sake. i didn't think a 20 minute walk would cause any trouble (because surely normal people have cause to walk 20 minutes now and again in the course of a day) but it seems i'm wrong. and so sneakers. i assumed i'd have to be more athletic than just walking and jogging to injure myself, i got lucky i guess.

i've been evaluating my diet lately, as in what i eat not what rules i follow. i really need to eat more fruits and vegetables. i've been making an effort to buy a lot of fresh stuff on the weekend and preparing it all for the week so it's an easy alternative. and still on calculation i'm not eating enough. as it stands today to get 5 servings i have to eat one fruit and two vegetables when i get home. i've already worked out a plan for that (chicken broccolli wheat pasta for dinner and a salad, grapes for dessert) but it's fairly ridiculous to wait till i get home to stuff myself with vegetables. so i have to plan better.

had i planned better, i wouldn't have run out of lettuce last night and i'd have a salad for lunch instead of one of the last smart one's meals from the freezer. i think i have one more after today and then i'm free. i'm getting really upset about having been eating those for lunch as long as i have been. processed carb crap. i have to give myself some slack on that though because i really didn't have any extra money until recently and at 10 for $10 it's hard to resist those frozen meals for lunches. but that's the past and i'll be happy when they're out of my freezer. but back to the lettuce.

i've gotten really into salads lately which is great, except it means i have to go food shopping twice a week. this is bad for two reasons. one because it's expensive and while i'm not so poor i have to live of frozen sale items i'm poor enough that groceries are my biggest expenditure and i can't afford much more. two, i have to drive half an hour to get slightly cheaper groceries and a better selection of produce(i can't jive with paying more for crappier produce, it's worth the drive). so i wonder how many times most people hit the grocery store for more than just one item? i found stats on what average families spend. i spend less a week than the average single person ($48) (but i don't buy red meat or alcohol so i'm probably still average) but if i go more than once a week i'll surely surpass the average. if you feel like sharing, how much grocery shopping do you do in a week? for curiosity's sake?

Monday, March 13, 2006

it was a very bad weekend for eating, but a very good weekend for enjoying life. it was beautiful and i feel like i did so much. we ate out way more than we usually do (due both to diet and budget, ahem) and it was great. i wasn't worried about the food because we walked our arses off aswell. on saturday i did the hill part of my walk twice in a row and again backwards because it's supposed to work different muscles. it sure as hell did. my muscles weren't sore at all until i walked up backwards and half as slow. i'll have to keep doing that but very early so i don't get run over (i should mention that the hill leads to a retirement village so there aren't a whole lot of cars at 6:30 AM except for that guy who drops his mom off at daycare...so sad).

on sunday we walked up to his house lot again, but with less falling. without the snow you can see how many animals are up there and how many of them are coyotes. i was thinking when we moved there i could exercise on those roads but i just don't have coyotes in my plan. i did however decide to join the gym this summer when we move. the boyfriend arrives at work at around 6:30. if i commute with him, i'll be here that early too. i could run in the park, but then i'd be all gross with nowhere to get ungross. unless i join the gym, equipt with showers and treadmills for bad weather and a pool i might be able to swim in if there's no one else there at that hour(fat phobia still apparent). and i would have nothing else to do every morning. it could be really good. except for the money. but the gym is worthwile spending right. an investment in my health. right.

Friday, March 10, 2006

i may not have seen vast improvement on the scales, holding at 186 again today, but the ass it's improving. i've been noticing the muscles of the nether region getting firmer from all the hill climbing they've been doing but i didn't think it was terribly obvious. the boyfriend was over last night after a week's absence(work deadline) and noticed the difference right away. i think it might have been a combined effort of hills and pants(there's something about how the gap cuts their pants that really accentuates one's assets).

i wish it was my waist, but i'm happy with any improvement. it would be nice for the weather to clear up (snow, rain and sleet all in just 4 hours!) and i can get some exercise. as it is i'm volunteering to do all the running around today to get miles on my pedometer. desperation.

this is an addendum as blogger is not working well so i've had all this time to think about things while waiting to post. i haven't mentioned the on going battle with haagen dasz. while i was teeming with hormones and dealing with my brother's suicide attempts last week (or was it two weeks ago?) i bought myself some on sale haagen dasz. and i haven't touched it. while i'm at work and my co-workers are snacking i remember "you don't need that chocolate you have haagen dasz at home" but then when i get home i forget about it completely. there's actually a lot of ice cream in the freezer just now but i don't want any of it. unfortunately i had been eating the oreos, but i did limit myself to a serving size instead of eating half the bag in a sitting. baby steps.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

i know i shouldn't weigh every day, it should be obvious to me that fluctuations happen and i shouldn't be too focused on the numbers. regardless, i like today's number SO much more than yesterday's. so much more that i used capitalization and italics to show my enthusiasm.

i had geared myself up to hoof it up the hill part of my walk twice this morning. it's my favorite part of my morning routine because i feel all like rocky in that movie with the stairs. but when i got to the top i just couldn't do it again. i'm glad that my legs are sore because it means i'm working them. maybe tomorrow morning i'll have the energy to do it twice. or maybe once and a half. i'd love to be running up that hill every morning. patience...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

188. stupid on sale oreos. weak weak weak. and then i stopped whining. i knew i'd be fatter because i was slacking, cause and effect. i shall not be faint hearted as i walked a mile and a half this morning with some good uphillness and it was really nice actually. i forget how good i feel when i get up and do something as opposed to slinking out of bed after hitting the snooze 8 times. endorfins.

i don't think the julia child cookbook is what i need at this stage. she has a recipe for croissants that takes 10-12 hours and has a ratio of 1:1 flour and butter. i'm sure it's excellent but DEAR GOD the butter. you roll each layer into a spreading of butter. i may never be able to eat a croissant again thinking of all that butter. i'll have to start drinking wine and practicing socialism if i want to eat that much butter and not die of heart disease at 29.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

tomorrow is my weigh in day and i'm a little nervous. there can't possibly be any downward movement, what with all the slacking. i had spent most of the last week dreading a speech i had to give this morning for a work course. because i hate public speaking, i've been giving myself permission to eat. "you're going to embarrass yourself, have that cookie." now i can say "you embarrassed yourself this morning, have a cookie." if i don't get over this social anxiety i'm going to weigh 700 pounds.

it's been particularly ridiculous lately because there are some guys working around my building in the mornings when i usually go for a jog. i have this painfully stupid issue with people seeing me exercise. add to that the painful issue of people seeing me fat and it's quite the rock and hardplace problem. i have to get over both of them so i can go out in the mornings and get running.

i have decided on a new goal to work toward. the boyfriend and i are going on vacation at the end of may. my new goal is to put forth a steady effort of exercise and careful eating to lose the most reasonable amount. my reward will be the new tattoo i've wanted but have felt too fat to show off so have stalled in getting it.* so if i'm a good girl and i get a routine going before the end of may, i can get the new tattoo while we're in maryland.

is it ridiculous that i'm bribing myself? i'm kind of torn about it. being healthy should be it's own reward, but i can't say i'd be all worried about being healthy if i was 20 pounds lighter. i want to be able to show off the new tattoo, to feel comfortable doing that i need to lose some weight. i don't think this makes any sense but i just feel really weird about rewarding myself for taking better care of my body. but i didn't feel too weird about soothing my embarrassment with cookies so probably i should just get over myself and stop whining. i can't be the only person driving themself slowly mad can i?

*all of my current tattoos are on my feet, at 18 i felt these were the least likely to get fat and/or wrinkly. i guess i don't care that much anymore because i want this one on my back.

yesterday we hiked 3 and a half miles up the boyfriend's mountain (literally) so he could show me where he wants to build his house. it's very beautiful. and it will have the world's longest driveway. i'm quite proud that i made it up without too much huffing and puffing. i was really worried that i'd want to whine the whole time and be a pain in the ass but actually it was fine and i don't feel too broken today. i'm very relieved and a bit proud of myself for getting through as well as i did.

i should have started off the week with a jog this morning, since the hike didn't kill me, but it was snowing. and now it's gorgeous. odds on it starts to snow right when i take my lunch walk and then clears up in time to get back to work. it figures that it only starts to snow when we're so close to spring. ARGH!

in other news i bought some new weights. i had some 5 pound ones that i could lift in college, when i had a part time job digging ponds and carry 40 gallons of water to and fro all afternoon. now that i am old and out of shape i bought some 2 pounders to build up slowly. i'm really excited about it actually. i've been realizing how much strength i've lost since college and it's really sad. it does explain why i could eat like i did and maintain my size 12. so, i'm adding weights to my running and walking. and i've placed pastaqueen's pilates dvd on the top of my netflix queue so i can give it a test run. if it's half as good as she says it'll be worth it. i'm off to work on my weekly menu. i just got my new julia child cookbook but i have the feeling most of the recipes are going to be a little rich for the dieter's blood. but basic tips are always worth the reading. more on the cookbook later if it's any good.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Thursday, March 02, 2006

i bought a pedometer last night. i tried to buy gloves, but they don't stock gloves in march. they stock swimsuits in march. i'm sure as hell not buying a swimsuit so i got the pedometer. for 3 bucks i can see how far i walk in a day. today i have walked half a mile. which is fairly innacurate since i lost it in my car at 10 and only now found it at 11:45. maybe tomorrow i'll wear it all day and see what i really clock in a day. i also want to see how far i run in the mornings and walk at lunch time.

i got neither of those extra walks in today because it is snowing, and my nether end is sore enough not to risk another tumble. unrelated, my shoulder is killing me. it's some kind of stress triggered nerve thing. i keep meaning to call the chiropractor but it always seems less urgent when i'm not in pain. i'm secretly kind of thrilled to get to go to the chiropractor. i've always wanted to go. i guess i view them as glorified massage therapists and the idea of massage makes me all drooly. it's a bit silly that i have a bonafide referral and i'm slacking in making the appointment. i want to go but i don't want to have to spend the money. it's ridiculous.

from the department of pretending i'm on a diet, i ate a donut this morning. i wasn't hungry and it wasn't even good. it makes me so mad when i do things like that, about 5 seconds after i do it. the worst part is i ate it while driving between branches so no one would see. i've never really thought about those behaviors but i need to and then i need to stop doing it. it's not like anyone believes that i don't eat junk. i didn't get this ass from carrot sticks and dressingless salads. no one is fooled. the worst part is i do it most with the boyfriend. he would never imagine that i would wait for him to leave so i could eat the left over pizza, after we've had breakfast together. he supports the weightloss (i have gained about 15 pounds since we started dating) but he thinks i'm fine the way i am too. i just want to be more honest. i know i should start a food journal. sometimes though i think i beat myself up so much about what i eat that i'm afraid what would happen if i had it written down.

i have to admit i'm more fragile now than i have ever been and i need to be careful. i want to try to add exercise and eat better foods, i want to lose weight and be stronger. i have to do all this without causing myself a breakdown or needing to be medicated. i'd like to avoid therapy too, but only if i can cut out the damn secret snacking.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

i did something bad this morning when i went in to it to adjust my one pound loss. fucking pound. i don't know what, but it was not good. i've been playing with templates all morning and not one do i like. the one i had chosen, what 2 months ago, is inexplicably gone now. and so, the blog is black. truly it was the least annoying. and i'm not going to screw with it. i might browse through the templates again in a few months. while i adore black for it's slimming qualities...it's just not me online.

you know why it's stupid to jog outside in maine in the winter, because it's COLD. it's so cold in fact that when you get up early to go for a jog and you slip on the ice and land on your ass. and if bruising your backside isn't punishment enough YOUR UNGLOVED HAND STICKS TO THE ICE. AHHHH. i can't think of the right words to convey that kind of horror. the horror of realizing that your flesh is stuck to the ground. and then you have to pull it off. ARGH.

and so tonight i am going to buy new gloves. my mittens are too hot to run in and clearly running gloveless is no longer an option. i'm considering buying another new scale, a digital one. i'm worried if i buy a new one the weigh-ins will be more accurate and i'm really enjoying the imaginary weightloss. i'd hate to wake up to the fact that probably i weigh alot more than i think i do. while blissful ignorance is not a key to success, sometimes it makes progress possible. atleast for me it does. as long as i think i'm getting somewhere i have the will to keep going.

the will to keep going this week is the tiny loss of one pound. hey, a loss is a loss. i know i haven't made the best choices this week. i've been really stressed out and i'm just trying to limit the damage. every time i choose water over one of the two cokes left in my fridge it's a victory. i'd feel better about it if i could keep up the exercise. so since pastaqueen found a good pilates dvd i'm thinking about giving it a try. i need something i can do indoors so i don't feel like i'm wimping out when it's too cold. to that end i'm also thinking about buying a yoga mat when i'm out this evening. i've been having a really difficult time dedicating the funds to this weightloss venture. i have to remember that it's ok to spend money to take care of myself.