This blog will describe what it is like to be a husband in chastity that has entered into a Wife Led Relationship.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

We Continue to Build and Strenghten Our New Relationship

We continue to make progress along the path of a Wife Led Marriage with male chastity. Since my last post, three important things have happened. First, we survived a fight with our commitment to this lifestyle intact; in fact, in many ways, strengthened. No need to get into the "what and why" of the fight. It was stupid like most fights are but it had the salutary effect of driving home to both of us just how important our new, special relationship was for each of us and how much we missed it when it was not there.

Second, as a result of the fight and our wonderful make-up (isn't make-up sex the best!), we decided to do a little write-up on what a Wife Led Marriage with male chastity meant to us - i.e. what our rules and expectations were. In writing it together, we discovered many misunderstandings and concerns that we never would have discovered otherwise until we stumbled over one of them. It also allowed us to really commit to the lifestyle, long term. One of the things I discovered was that my wife didn't want a time limit on this. I thought she would be more comfortable with it if I put in a six month time limit at which time we would talk and evaluate what was working and what wasn't; or simply abandon it if too many things didn't work. My wife wanted that deleted. She felt if we were going to fully commit to this, she didn't want there to be an easy exit that would allow us to abandon it without really working to fix it. I have included the write-up we did, entitled "Our Understanding." It might be helpful to others exploring the lifestyle and looking for ideas to make it work for them.

The third important thing that happened is I changed chastity devises - moving up to a metal device, the Queen's Keep from Mature Metal. Among other things it signaled to both of us that this was a long term commitment and it provided a distinct improvement to the male chastity experience for both of us. I will provide a more detailed review of the device in a future entry, but suffice it to say that my day to day life got a lot easier for me in terms of comfort and hygiene and my wife feels much more comfortable handling it (and me :)) in that device as compared to the plastic CB6000s which, even after a year, continued to be a definite turn-off for her.

So, without further ado, here is "Our Understanding":

Our Understanding

Introduction
In the last year or so we have played at several games that succeeded in greatly improving our sex life and our relationship. We are closer now than we have ever been before. In the last few months we have added another dynamic to the game that is not really a game - it is a change in the way we, as a couple, make decisions in our marriage. This has taken the "game" out of the bedroom and generalized it in a way that has had a great positive effect on both us as individuals, and on us as a couple.

Along the way, we have run into some difficulties that seemed to have their source in differences in our understanding about what the "rules" of the game were and what the extent of the decision-making authority change was. Much of this difference was due to unexpressed expectations we had for ourselves and each other. Also, as is almost always the case when there are difficulties, there were also breakdowns in communication as well. This Understanding is being written to help us gain a better understanding of what we are doing, what we expect from ourselves and each other and how we can communicate better.

We have both enjoyed the benefits of these changes. We both feel a sense of closeness and trust in each other that is an improvement over where we were before and an indication of just how much more is possible. Our sex life, for both of us, has improved to the point that we never want to go back to the way it was. However, all of these benefits do not come without effort and a continuing focus on each other's needs and happiness. If we are going to continue in this wonderful place and climb even higher, we must both be committed to the things that brought it about.

This Understanding will allow us to reach an agreement and mutual understanding of what we will be doing, how we can change something if it's not working for one of us (which really means it's not working for us as a couple), and who has the authority to do what. The changes that we have made are a very modest form of what is called a wife led marriage, that is - when there is a dispute or difference over an issue, the wife breaks the tie and makes the decision. We have also added a mild form of what is often called a male chastity game. The purpose of this game is to change the mood and motivations of the male, the amount of control of sex by the female, and the decision-making dynamics of the sexual relationship. So far, it has been very successful in doing that. The wife led marriage and the male chastity game seem like two entirely different things but there are certain common features of both that make them a natural fit.

Wife Led Marriage - a Description
Basically a wife led marriage is a marriage in which both parties acknowledge beforehand that, when there is a dispute or difference of opinion on an issue in the marriage (anything that affects both of them), the wife breaks the tie and makes the final decision, with that decision being accepted by the husband without argument or rancor. We have adopted a very mild form of this in which the wife's final decision-making authority only comes into play on issues that affect us as a couple and only after we have had a discussion about the matter and reached the conclusion that we are at an impasse and each can't convince the other of the correctness of their view. We have adopted this form of decision-making because, after long experience, we recognize the following:
1. On balance, B's decision-making is better because she takes more factors into account and is more sensitive to the feelings of others affected by the decision. We both recognize that she will not always arrive at the best decision - no human being is always right; but more times than not, her decisions will be better than K's when there has been a dispute and they can't agree on the best course of action;
2. We have recognized that disputes tear at the fabric of our relationship. They often become bitter and spill over into other, seemingly unrelated areas causing a domino effect of disputes and hard feelings;
3. That when we have an equal power in decision-making and neither of us can convince the other of the correctness of our respective views, the decision never really gets made, the argument continues and often one or the other will act on their own view independently which creates anger and distrust in the other. Whereas, if one of us has a final authority to decide, then disputes don't continue and spread as long as we agree beforehand on that authority and there is no resentment or rancor - no "I told you so's" if the decision turns out to be wrong. It would work if either of us had the final authority, but since B's decisions are generally better, not affected by male ego or stubbornness as K's often are, then it makes sense for B to have this final authority.
4. K is willing to give up this authority to B because he recognizes that no possible issue in dispute is worth damaging his relationship with B, and frankly, he recognizes that things run much more smoothly if disputes get resolved immediately with a final decision. K will no longer feel the need to "defend" his position or assert his male authority when it has been agreed beforehand that B will make any necessary final decision to resolve a dispute. This lowers K's level of stress considerably.
5. This system will work only if B and K trust each other completely - that B will take K's opinion into account when making a final, tie-breaking decision; and that K will support B's decision once it is made without hard feelings or criticism.

We both agree that this tie-breaking, decision-making authority extends into all areas of the marriage on matters that affect both of us, without limitation or restriction.
When in public, or in the presence of other people, we will make no special attempts to either display this decision-making power in our marriage or to hide it. We will simply discuss an issue as we ordinarily would and if there seems to be a difference in our opinion and a decision can't wait, K will simply accept B's view and support it.
With respect to the handling of household chores, we have had no difficulty in the past dividing them or pitching in to help the other with a task. There is no current reason to change this but this area is always open to discussion, review and change.
Similarly, with respect to the way our finances are managed and controlled, we have had no difficulty in the past in the way this has been done and there is no current reason to change it, but this area is also always open to discussion, review and change should it become necessary.

B and K both recognize that this change to our decision-making system does not alter the fact that both of us are of equal value to the marriage and deserve an equal amount of respect and consideration from each other. To ensure we communicate about any issues that might be troubling us about this system or anything else in our marriage, we both agree to have a dedicated meeting at least once a week to discuss it.
This Understanding that we will use a wife led system on decision-making to break an impasse will be in effect until we decide otherwise. Changes or additions to this system can be proposed by either of us but will not be made unless we both agree to it.

The Male Chastity Game
We have been playing with male chastity as part of our sexual relationship for over a year. We have found that it has provided a huge boost to the pleasure and satisfaction of our sexual relationship.

For B, the main benefit has been her control over when, where and how sex takes place and her complete freedom from pressure for sex from K. She has also benefited by the change in K's mood, attitude and sensitivity during periods when he is chaste and the passionate, explosive sex when his release is allowed. B also enjoys sexual play and attention whenever she desires, including orgasm, without worrying about K reaching orgasm.

For K, the main benefit has been the tremendously magnified intensity of his pleasure when he does release. K has also benefited by the feelings of pleasure he gets from the continuous state of arousal he feels between orgasms - particularly when regularly and creatively teased and denied by B. Equally beneficial to K is the pleasure he gets from seeing that B is totally into it when they do have sex - that she is reacting with passion to him, whether or not K gets to orgasm himself. K also benefits from the powerful bonding feelings he has towards B during his chaste periods and the pleasure he gets from doing things for her. K also feels that because of his change in mood and attitude, he is a better husband and a better father.

The "Rules" of the Game as we presently play it:
The most important rule and the one that governs every other rule, is B can change or ignore a rule whenever she chooses to without having to explain why. B is responsible for letting K know whether any rule change is temporary, i.e. just for that moment or day, or whether it is a permanent change to the way we will do things. The guiding principle for this and for every rule is the recognition by both that K is always ready for sex in all its many and varied forms, whereas B is only sometimes ready for sex and sometimes likes or doesn't like one or more of the many forms of sex, depending upon her mood at the time. We both know that for the sex to be satisfying for both of us (and each of us), we must both be totally into it - that is, we must both want sex and that type of sex at that particular time. Therefore, it is commonsense that the when, how and where of sex should be done in accordance with B's mood and desires because it will almost always be desired by K whatever the time, place or form.

We are currently doing the following which results in K being allowed to orgasm every 3 to 30 days depending upon luck and B's final choice on time:
1. K wears a chastity device at all times to ensure he remains chaste, i.e. does not orgasm between those times when he is allowed to orgasm. This has the effect of building sexual tension within him which he perceives as pleasure and it elevates his mood and makes him more cooperative and loving towards B. The device comes off for only two reasons: for a scheduled cleaning (currently every third day, with the knowledge of B), and during sexual play but only when B decides she wants it off, either for a tease or for a full sexual encounter.

2. We use a sack that starts out with 7 black marbles and 1 white marble. Every third day we have a "drawing," in which, after spending some time cuddling and/or teasing K or enjoying the focused attention of K, B draws a marble from the sack. If it is a black marble, then K may not orgasm for at least three more days; that black marble is removed from the sack leaving 6 black and 1 white marble for the next draw; and another drawing is done after three days (or longer if it is not practical on the third day). This continues until a white marble is selected.
3. B is entitled to as much sexual attention and orgasms as she wants regardless of whether B has selected a black marble or a white marble. "Lady's Nights," in which K (still enclosed in his device) focuses all of his attention on B with foot and body massages, until she is completely relaxed and, should she desire it, releases.

4. At any time during a "black ball" period, B may sexually tease K to the edge of orgasm as many times as she desires. This may be with or without a chastity device on K. K enjoys all forms of tease and denial and especially enjoys focusing his attention on pleasing B and bringing her to orgasm.
5. Should a white marble be selected, K is entitled to orgasm sometime in the near future, at a time and place, and in a manner decided by B. Previously, we had used a five day hard limit as to when this could occur but our recent change making it a soft time limit that can be expanded by B without explanation has opened up more pleasurable opportunities for tease and allowed B to choose the best time for the actual release. To ensure there is every opportunity for exquisitely intense tease and denial, K does not orgasm unless and until B says he can even during a sexual encounter that ostensibly is for his release.

6. Since B often does not want physical attention herself when teasing K, K returns the attention by giving B a coupon for 2 hours of free time. This coupon can be used to have K take over a chore or responsibility of B's that would otherwise consume her time. Teases that are especially lengthy, creative or elaborate are awarded double credit, 4 hours. The coupons can be used at any time and for any reason (or no reason) by B but each coupon has an expiration of 30 days from the date it was issued. This encourages actual use of the coupon since coupons will expire if they are not regularly used.

After discussion, the following new, additional rules have been approved:

I. B can preempt any drawing by simply declaring what the result will be for that drawing - either a black or white marble. If B declares a black marble, one black marble will be removed from the sack just as it would be if it had been picked and K will not be allowed to orgasm for at least three more days. If B declares a white marble, K may be allowed to orgasm anytime afterwards, including that day (or elaborately teased and denied that day).

II. At any given drawing, B can decide to add one or more black marbles to the sack instead of drawing a marble out; or B can cancel one or more drawings. This can be done for any number of reasons, including: B's desire to experiment with lengthening K's chastity period, adding some psychological tease to heighten K's sexual tension, or to do a little behavior modification on K when he has been argumentative, uncooperative or shown a bad attitude. It can also be done for no reason at all except that B wants to do it.
III. Any permission given by B for K to orgasm can be taken back by B at any time before K does so. This will add enormous sexual tension and urgency to any sexual encounter once K has been given permission to orgasm. It will also allow B to experiment with intense tease and denial.

IV. During sexual intercourse, B may direct K to stop pumping and remain perfectly still inside her; or to pull out and remain perfectly still at her entrance while she finishes herself off; or to pull out and use lips and tongue to bring B to orgasm; or to pull out and finish himself off.
V. After orgasm by K, B will direct when K should put his chastity device back on. If not told by B to do so, K will, in any case, put the device back on within 24 hrs.

Chastity Holidays
A chastity holiday is a period in which K does not wear a chastity device. Although not wearing a device, he remains honor bound not to orgasm outside of B's presence or without her permission. A chastity holiday can be declared by B for any reason but will usually be reserved for periods when they are traveling, staying over with friends or relatives or when they treat themselves to a "hotel weekend." K may request a chastity holiday but must get approval from B before the device is removed.

Expectations, Desires and Communication
It is very important that we feel comfortable communicating our expectations (of both ourselves and each other) and our desires in this game. We must never be afraid to tell each other when something is not working for them or needs to be changed. The recent experience of the dice and cards was a good example of one of us not being sensitive to the feelings of the other using "scripted" activity and the other not expressing themselves about that for fear of angering or disappointing her mate. Whether it's by talking or sending little notes to each other, it is so important that we continuously communicate our feelings and desires.
Sometimes we are so in sync that we can complete each other's sentences or know exactly what the other will say. Unfortunately, other times we don't have a clue as to what the other is thinking or feeling and will stumble along oblivious to the hurt they may be causing. We also have the "Mars," - "Venus" barrier - men and women feel and react very differently to some things. This is particularly true about sex. All we can do is accept that the other person is feeling the way they do, even if we can't understand or relate to it, and respect those feelings.

With respect to "expectations," we can't help having them, both for ourselves and for each other. The most important expectation we have for each other is that we will continue to love, honor and cherish each other. It would also be helpful if each of us made a short list of commitments, things they will do to ensure the other's expectations are met and that this will continue to be a source of pleasure for us and a powerful support for our relationship.

K commits to the following:
1. Never to ask for or otherwise pressure B for sex or teasing. One of the central benefits of this game for B is her freedom from that pressure and her control over when, where and how sex occurs.
2. To accept that B is not always in the mood for playful or sexual contact, particularly in the mornings, and not to complain about it.
3. To demonstrate by word and action my joy and appreciation for all B does to make this game of ours work for both of us.
4. To be a source of joy and pleasure for B.
5. To do all that I can to understand and to meet her expectations for me.

B commits to the following:
1. To tease whenever - surprise or not;

2. Getting shitfaced on surprise and having great sex;

3. Book hotel nights when K least expects it;

4. To make K happy and feel totally loved (easy to do); and

5. Getting used to the idea that I can be selfish [about taking sexual pleasure] and K is still happy!

Authority to Change the Game
B is authorized to change any part of the game at any time so it suits her needs. These changes can be a one-time change, a temporary change or a permanent change to the way it is done. B need not have or explain the reason for a change to K. B can suspend or terminate the game at any time, for any reason.
K may propose changes to the game but any changes must be approved by B before it becomes effective. K can propose suspension of the game for reasons of illness, schedule or travel conflicts. The suspension is not effective unless approved by B.

In loving commitment to each other, we have reached this Understanding.

4 comments:

This is an awesome post. It is so refreshing to read about how both of you are so committed to improving your marriage, relationship and dynamic. It takes patience, understanding and courage to open up to each other and to figure out what works best for both of you. It is so easy to give up or become complacent. I appreciate you sharing something so personal netween you two. It is very insightful and encouraging to the rest of us who have more road to travel to figure things out. I wish you the best and am looking forward to reading about your experiences and progress. I am also looking forward to hearing more about your switch to metal device as I have used the platic cb6000s for aboit 6 months.

I recently found your blog. What an excellent post! I hope to eventually have similar arrangement with my wife. We are still feeling our way into male chastity, and have really only experimented with WLM.