Are all the people on your Yahoo list Vulcans, that they can read minds?

JANET

To the best of my knowledge, there are no Vulcans on my List.

McCOY

Then how the hell do they all know I love Spock?

No one’s supposed to know I even like Spock!I’ve spent

years trying to make people think I hate him!Like
he hates me!

JANET

Len, Spock doesn’t hate you!

McCOY

Well, dislikes me, then!

(singing)

The river was deep but I swam it, JanetMy future’s with Spock so let's plan it,
JanetSo please don't tell me to can it, Janet‘Cause I've one thing to say
and that'sDammit, Janet, I love Spock

(speaking)

Dammit, I wish I could stop this singing business!

JANET

Len, I’d honored to help you plan your future with Spock!

Where do you want to get married?Would you like to

honeymoon on Risa?I’ll write the story up myself!

(singing)

I’d be thrilled to plan your happy nuptials

And of course the honeymoon

You will make a handsome couple

We must make a guest list very soon

McCOY

Are you crazy?Didn’t you hear what I said before?Spock can’t stand me!

All we do is argue!He doesn’t want to marry
me!

JANET

Of course you argue – it’s your way of getting attention from each other!

He loves you, Len.

McCOY

Lady, you are nuts.

(singing) The road was long but I ran it, JanetThere's a fire in my heart
and he’s fanned it, JanetIf there's one fool for Spock then I am it, JanetNow I've one thing to
say and that'sDammit, Janet, I love Spock

(speaking)

Somebody make me stop singing this crap, dammit!

I’m a doctor, not a musical theater performer!

SHOSHANA

Actually, at the moment you are.

(A knock at the door to the right. JANET opens it.SPOCK, dressed in the

red uniform and of similar age to McCOY, stands at the entrance.)

JANET

Mr. Spock!Hello!This is an honor!Please, come in!

(SPOCK enters.)

SPOCK

(to McCOY,
not giving JANET time to make introductions)

I see, Doctor, that you have preceded me here. I calculate
a ninety-nine

point seven percent probability that you are here for the same reason I am.

(to JANET)I am addressing Janet
Sykes?

JANET

Yes.

Ms. Sykes, Dr. McCoy and I have been recently sent to twenty-first

century Earth on a mission of a deeply sensitive nature. Like
my

colleague, I have been previously made aware that your egregious

online pursuits have been intentionally misleading the public about the

nature of my personal relationship with the Doctor.

McCOY

You mean our not-so-personal relationship.

SPOCK

(singing)

I am here to make an accusation:

In the Haven’s art and texts

There’s been misrepresentation

Never with this man have I had sex

McCOY

That’s true, dammit.

(SPOCK raises an eyebrow.)

McCOY

I mean, its true about our relationship being misrepresented in that

blasted Haven of hers!

SPOCK

Fascinating.I was singing just now, but not of my
own volition.

I lack sufficient data on which to base a working hypothesis

explaining this strange phenomenon.

JANET

(pointing to Shoshana)

It’s Sue’s fault, a spell put on her by a witch makes

everyone around her sing.

SPOCK

Fascinating.

SHOSHANA

Dammit, Janet, I wish you’d stop blaming me for everything!

JANET

You’re the one who got hexed, not me.

So boys – what brings you to this century?

SPOCK

The Enterprise-A brought us.

McCOY

Spock, I think she was asking why we’re here in
this century.

SPOCK

Dr. McCoy’s primary goal was to get the screenplay of Star
Trek XII changed.

SHOSHANA

Star Trek XII?It hasn’t even started production yet. Why do

you want to have the screenplay changed?

McCOY

Because the blasted movie shows Spock dumping Uhura and

T’Pring for me, that’s why!

SHOSHANA

Sounds a bit like a story I’m working on.

McCOY

It shows the two of us sleeping together, for God’s
sake!

And I don’t mean in the literal sense!

SHOSHANA

Well, that part doesn’t sound like my story.

McCOY

And they retain the storyline about us having a relationship for the

next two films!In Star Trek XIV we even get married!

(singing)

Number Twelve the two of us get bedded

How my face has burned with shame

In Fourteen then we get wedded

Those blasted scriptwriters are to blame

JANET

A sex scene?Married?That’s
wonderful!

SPOCK

The film does not show “the two of us” in bed, Doctor, nor do

“we” get married.Our characters are portrayed
by actors

Zachary Quinto and Karl Urban.

JANET

My dream come true!Explicit, canonical Spock McCoy
slash!

The original cast would have been even better . . . but I’ll take it!

McCOY

Well, you’re not going to get it!

(singing)

Our sex scene we asked to be amended

Our romance on screen we loathed

Star Trek XII left us offended

Our characters should not be unclothed

Love affair on film we have rejected

We made clear we’re not involved

Our romance now they’ve ejected

Thank God that problem has been resolved

JANET

(disappointed)

You mean you talked the filmmakers out of that storyline?

McCOY

Hell, yes!Our friends were razzing us incessantly
about it!Even Jim!

We couldn’t live with the embarrassment!

SPOCK

You found it embarrassing.I am Vulcan, and remain unperturbed by

fictionalized portrayals of myself, no matter how inaccurate or indelicate.

I was similarly undisturbed by the depiction in Star Trek
XI of my younger

self having a romantic attachment to Uhura.I am here
because Admiral

Kirk, wearying of your incessant ranting about the matter, asked me to accompany you, and because
you were convinced the filmmakers would

accuracy of the original series and the animated series, as well as that of the

first film, was truly remarkable, extending even to the startling resemblance of the original cast
members to our own appearance.It is believed that the archives were lost during
the Eugenics Wars, which actually took place one hundred and two years later than Roddenberry predicted.

JANET

The discovery of those archives is wonderful!Think
of all the people whose premature deaths can now be avoided!Jim Kirk!David Marcus!Scotty’s nephew!Chancellor Gorkon!Amanda!The planets Romulus and Vulcan need not be destroyed!

SPOCK

It is highly probable that none of those deaths would occur in the

natural future course of our timeline, since Roddenberry’s control over the content of the
franchise diminished significantly after Star Trek:The Motion Picture.By the time Star
Trek VII was produced, he was deceased.

SHOSHANA

Len, you said the first ten films were discovered in the archives, but you

also mentioned four additional films.Those were recovered
separately?

McCOY

(grumbling)

Yes, thanks to Sulu.

JANET

Ah, so Suluuncovered the final four films.

SPOCK

Dr. McCoy’s remark was misleading.

(McCOY throws
SPOCK a dirty look.)

Commander Sulu did not find the films.His actions
led, inadvertently, to

their creation. Following the discovery of the Star Trek archives, Commander Sulu adopted a new avocation.He developed an avid interest in the Star Trek fanfiction that
had sprung up in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries.

McCOY

(singing)

Yes our friend with Star Trek was enamored

And Trek art he did collect

For more tales we knew he clamored

Any fanfiction about Star Trek

SPOCK

With the exception of Sulu, the continued survival of ancient

fanfiction dealing with our lives was a matter of indifference to those

of us who serve aboard the Enterprise.The material had not been

released to the public, and was of interest only to a small handful

of historians of popular literature.

McCOY

(grumbling)

And to Sulu, blast him.

SPOCK

Five hundred twenty-eight days ago, the Enterprise-A
was assigned to a

time-travel mission to Earth in the year 2005.On
that trip, Sulu accidentally

left behind his files of Star Trek fanfiction.Much like you, Doctor, left your communicator behind on Sigma Iotia II.(McCOY scowls.) Those files

made their way into the hands of filmmaker J. J. Abrams.A story by

Eugenia Lee Roddenberry herself, which was not to appear on the Internet

until the year 2033, became the inspiration for the plot of Star
Trek XI.

In point of fact, the plotlines of the subsequent three Star
Trek films will be

borrowed from fanfiction left behind by Sulu six years ago in your time.

McCOY

That blunder of Sulu’s subtly changed our timeline.Now the archives included the four final Star Trek films.And one of the scholars studying those archives became obsessed with actor Chris Pine.She’s released to the public those final four films. They’ve
become an unexpected hit in our time.Now the whole

blasted Federation is free to watch me and Spock in bed!

SPOCK

Doctor, how many times must I point out, it is our characters

who are seen in the films.Not ourselves.

JANET

(singing)

Boys, we find your tale real fascinatin’

You’ve told why we’ve heard of you

How though did you hear of Haven

We have a hunch it was from Sulu

McCOY

(with a caustic undertone)

Good guess.Sulu informed me that Janet Sykes of New York was – or

should I say, is – the single largest purveyor of Spock/McCoy slash in this era.Matter of fact, Janet, turns out that under the pseudonym Tempest you wrote the story from which the Star Trek XIV plotline about me and Spock –

(SPOCK arches
an eyebrow) – I mean, our characters getting married

will be taken six years from now.

SPOCK

Seven years, three months and two days.

McCOY

(ignoring Spock)

You mustn’t write that story!

JANET

You must be mistaken.I don’t write Spock McCoy
slash

set in the alternate timeline.

(singing)

Sorry, Len, that you do feel so harried

Can’t comply with your request

Always when I’ve made you married

The story’s been set in TOS

McCOY

(plaintively)

But you will write it, ten years from now.It will
be part of Spiced

Peaches LXVII.Please, stop embarrassing me this way!

JANET

I hope you’re right, that I’m still around writing and publishing

slash ten years from now.But I’m not sure I
really believe you

about me writing that story.Anyway, it shouldn’t
matter if I write it,

since the storyline leading up to it has already been eliminated.

SHOSHANA

Janet, you ought to sue!Abrams is going to use your story!

That’s plagiarism!

SPOCK

I am not well versed in twenty-first century American copyright law,

but it would appear logically impossible to file a lawsuit dealing

with a work which its originator had not yet created at the time

the work was copied, ethically or otherwise, by a second party.

SHOSHANA

Good point.

McCOYJanet doesn’t need to worry about plagiarism if she never writes the

story to begin with!In fact, I want her to shut down
the Haven!

JANET

What?!I’ll do no such thing!

McCOY

Your website is the equivalent of defamation of character!

SHOSHANA

(under her breath)

The Doctor doth protest too much, methinks.

SPOCK

An allusion to Hamlet.Act III, scene II. I recognize the allusion,

but I am uncertain I understand its use in this context.

JANET

Well, I do.Sue is right!This charade has to stop!

SHOSHANA

(Realizing what JANET
intends, SHOSHANA grabs McCOY’s
arm.)

Excuse me, gentlemen, I need to speak to Ms. Sykes in private.

(SHOSHANA
directs McCOY and SPOCK offstage through
the

Interior door located stage left.She closes the door behind them.

Throughout the conversation which follows, SHOSHANA and

JANET address each other in whispers.)

Janet, don’t do it!You could end up humiliating
Len, not to mention

break his heart!We don’t know that Spock loves
him!

JANET

Well, I know it!

SHOSHANA

All that slashy stuff having to do with the katra-holding and

the fal-tor-pan . . . it’s never happened.Probably
won’t ever

happen, if what Spock said about Roddenberry was true.Maybe

Spock is straight, and actually wants Uhura.Or maybe
he is gay,

and wants Jim!I told you when I joined the Haven
that I found the

evidence for K/S more persuasive than the evidence for S/Mc.

JANET

Maybe you think so, but I don’t!There’s
plenty of evidence just

from the original series that Spock loves Len!

SHOSHANA

Maybe Roddenberry didn’t have a hand in those scenes.Or if he

did, maybe the scenes are misleading, or even pure fiction.Spock

never claimed everything in TOS was historically accurate.

Roddenberry was mistaken about the timing of the Eugenics Wars.

JANET

And I could say the same thing about your supposed evidence

for K/S!Spock and Len love each other!I know it!Len’s

already admitted it, and look how snooty Spock is with him!

He’s trying to push Len away!

SHOSHANA

Or maybe he actually does dislike Len!Why hasn’t
Spock

broken out in song about loving Len, the way Len did about him?

JANET

It’s just his wall of Vulcan emotional control!And
I’m going to break it down!

SHOSHANA

Janet, please!It’s none of your business!These are real

people we’re talking about, not characters on the screen or the page!

JANET

It is my business!I’ve haven’t been awarded the title of Most Devout

Spock/McCoyote for nothing!It’s my destiny – no, my duty – to pair up

those two men!Why do you think fate has delivered them right to my door?

SHOSHANA

It was the witch’s curse that brought them to your
door!

I was thinking about them!

JANET

(singing)

You may think you’re writer of this story

But I see the hand of fate

This night is my time of glory

I’ll make sure Len becomes Spock’s bondmate

SHOSHANA

Even if you’re right that Spock loves Len in return,
Spock might

not be willing to admit it.

JANET

He’s had the encounter with V’Ger.If
he sings his

innermost thoughts about Len, the truth will come out.(maliciously)

And since you’re supposedly scripting all this unconsciously,

Little Miss Prissy Poet, you better the hell make sure it does come out.

SHOSHANA

My God, Janet, I have no idea if I have any control over what Spock says,

much less what he actually feels!

(singing)

How I hope you know what you are doing

But I am quite filled with doubt

I fear grief might be ensuing

I really do hope this all works out

(JANET marches to the interior
door and opens it.

SPOCK and McCOY enter.)

JANET

Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.

Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy is in love with you!

(SPOCK raises
an eyebrow.)

McCOY

(horrified)

What are you doing?!

JANET

He wants to have sex with you!

(SPOCK’s
eyebrow goes higher.)

McCOY

Are you insane?

SHOSHANA

It’s possible.

JANET

He wants to marry you!He told me himself!

(SPOCK’s
eyebrow goes even higher.)

McCOY

Now I’ll have to transfer off the Enterprise!Resign from Starfleet!

SPOCK

Dr. McCoy, is all of this true, or is it the ravings

of a deranged woman?

SHOSHANA

(under her breath)

Those choices aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

McCOY

(shamefaced, not looking at Spock)

Oh, hell . . . yes, it’s true.

SPOCK

(singing; initially tentatively, but gathering

confidence as he continues the stanza)

I admit today my great attraction

To the man that’s named McCoy

I would like to get some action

Being with him would give me such joy

(speaking)

Why am I singing my internal thoughts?This is highly

illogical behavior.

JANET

(patter singing, to tune of “You Did It”
from My Fair Lady)

Tonight my girl I did it!

I did it! I did it! I
said that I would do it, And indeed I did. Sue thought that I would rue it;
She doubted –

SHOSHANA

Stop!That’s from the wrong musical!

That song belongs to Mary, if she wants it!

McCOY

(grinning ear to ear)

Why, Spock!I never knew you felt that way!

(singing)

Many years I’ve loved a certain Vulcan

Hearing this has made my day

Now I’ll end my useless sulkin’

Because I have learned that he is gay

Spock, I feel for you eternal fondness

Seeing you my heart goes thud

I can’t wait to enter bondness

With a brand-new husband with green blood

Here's a ring to prove that I'm no jokerThere's three ways that love can growThat's good,
bad or mediocreOh S-P-O-C-K I love you so

SPOCK

(speaking, as he accepts the ring)

It’s nicer than the one Sulu gave Chekov.

(singing)

Marriage to you is a new notion, oh, Len

But I’m so glad I’m your chosen, oh, Len

Because I return your devotion, oh, Len

I've one thing to say and that'sLen I’m keen for you too

All these years I’ve been so very lonely

Bachelor, unmarried, free

I will enter matrimony

With Leonard Horatio, MD

By you my heart has been stolen, oh, Len

For you I feel fondest emotion, oh, Len

You’re hotter than any young yeoman, oh, Len

I've one thing to say and that'sLen I love you

For you my arms will be open, oh, Len

For you make my nether parts swollen, oh, Len

For you are spiking my oxytocin, oh, Len

I've one thing to say and that'sLen I'm mad for you too . . .

SHOSHANA

Watch your mouth!This song is rated PG!

JANET

Who says?

SHOSHANA

You said I’m the one unconsciously scripting this!

I get to choose the rating!

SPOCK

(singing)

Now that we are bespoken, oh Len

My lust for you is truly molten, oh, Len

I wish you would touch my scrotum, oh Len

I’ve one thing –

SHOSHANA

You can’t say that!I told you, this filk is
rated PG!

Besides, the rhyme is inexact.

JANET

For God’s sake, don’t be such a prude!They’re singing Rocky Horror Show, after all – it’s supposed
to be dirty!Just change the header to PG-13!

And the rhyme is no worse than some in the original song. Or

some that you’ve already used.

SPOCK

The behavior I am exhibiting is excessively impulsive.

(singing)

I do find this all a bit perturbing

Now Len knows just how I feel

Such things I am used to curbing

And as a Vulcan never would reveal

JANET and SHOSHANA

Uh-oh.

SPOCK

(singing)

Let’s forget our marriage and the wedding

All these things I think I’ll skip

Sorry, Bones, but I am dreading

Any kind of real relationship

McCOY

But I want to get married, dammit!My hopes were up!

JANET

Among other things.

SHOSHANA

(shocked)

Janet!

JANET

You are such a prude.I saw you sneaking a peek, too.

SPOCK

(singing)

I confess McCoy that I am shrinking

Though it’s true of you I’m fond

I’ve had time to do some thinking

With you I won’t form a mating bond

(SPOCKreturns the ring.McCOY is crushed.)

McCOY

(singing)

I see on your heart I have no lock, oh, Spock

I beg that you do not my woe mock, oh, Spock

Jilted I undergo shock, oh, Spock

I've one thing to say and that'sSpock, I’m sad about you

(singing)

Now I am so very disappointed

Mine was not a schoolboy crush

It’s goodbye to ears so pointed

Sorry if I tried to make you rush

JANET

Rush?But you’ve known each other for fifteen
years!

SPOCK

Dr. McCoy and I have known each other for only thirteen years, two months and eleven days.And we have only just discovered our mutual attraction.

McCOY

(turning
to JANET)

This is your fault!Why couldn’t you leave well
enough alone?

I was happier when I thought my feelings were unrequited!

SHOSHANA

I warned her.She wouldn’t listen.

SPOCK

(singing)

I've one thing to say and that's

McCoy I'm mad at her, too . . .

McCOY

(singing)Oh . . . dammit!

McCOY and SPOCKWe’re mad

SPOCKAt Janet!

McCOY

Remember what I said when I first arrived?

I don’t want anyone reading my private fantasies!

SPOCK

I must agree with Dr. McCoy.The idea of my
private

thoughts being put on public display in print is discomfiting.

McCOY

(singing)

That Haven of yours, I’ve got to slam it, Janet

All your slashers had better clam it, Janet

Spiced Peaches is jarring, so can it, Janet

SPOCK

All that slash, you have to ban it, Janet

Or I’ll take your ROM and RAM it, Janet

Your Yahoo list, I’ll have to spam it Janet

There's one thing left to do, and that's

SPOCK and McCOY:

(singing)Let’sstop the woman who
began it:JanetAnd her computer, let’s examine it, Janet

So much time I’ve spent and sadly wastedWriting all these fics and poems

Look how much I’ve cut and pasted

While creating silly slashy tomes

JANET

That’s your problem, my dear.I don’t
force anybody to write anything.

(turning
to SPOCK)Spock, you’re being silly.

SPOCK

(indignant)

Silly?Never.

JANET

Yes, silly!You love Len.Len loves you. What’s so complicated

about that?Are you going to let your Vulcan pride
stand in the way of

your mutual happiness forever?What happened to “this
simple feeling”

you talked about?Didn’t you learn anything
from V’Ger?

McCOY

She does have a point. I was there when you said that.

JANET

Think how much fun you could have with each, now that you know

you love each other!Think of all the time you’ve
wasted already!

(singing)

I’m convinced we did you boys a favor

There’s one way that love can grow

Your sweet love now you can savor

Libidos no more must you forego

SPOCK

She does speak with logic.A life of non-celibacy
does have its attractions.

(singing)

We’ve wasted years the stars a roamin’, oh, Len

But now I want to make a home and, oh, Len

Let’s get started before we’re ol’ men, oh, Len

McCOY

Aw, Spock!You’ve picked up my Southern drawl!I’m touched!

SHOSHANA

Actually, the “ng” and “d” were dropped for rhyming purposes.

McCOY

(singing)

Let’s be in bed by nine o’clock, oh, Spock

You’ll have fun with your very own Doc, oh, Spock

I’m ready already, let’s go cock, oh, Spock

SHOSHANA

Len!Watch your mouth!

SPOCK

I do not believe that’s precisely what he plans to do with that

portion of his anatomy.

(singing)

It’s a good idea so let’s get rollin’, oh, Len

I’ll make sure to prepare my colon, oh, Len –

SHOSHANA

(speaking)

No!No!Stop!You can’t sing that in a PG song!

SPOCK

(singing)

We’ve one thing to say and that's

McCOY

(singing)

Dammit, Janet

McCOY and SPOCK

(singing)We thank you!

McCOY

Ladies, except for the singing, and the temporary heartbreak,

this has been fun, but it’s about time we left.

JANET

But boys, before you leave – since you’re here in the past to correct an

error in Star Trek XII, why don’t you go back
to Hollywood?Now
that you two are a couple, go back to the filmmakers, tell them you’ve changed your minds.It would save them the time and trouble and expense of revising the script.

(singing)

I am pleased to say that you are welcome

Everything has turned out great

I hope now that you will tell them

McCoy and Spock are each other’s mate

SHOSHANA

They’d be welcome to use my story that I haven’t even finished writing!

(SPOCK and McCOY look at each other)

SPOCK

Complying with your request will not be possible.

McCOY

We don’t have time to go back to Hollywood.Jim’s going to be beaming

us up in about ten minutes.

SPOCK

As is typical for a human, Leonard’s time sense is imprecise.

We will be returning to the Enterprise
in ten point two seconds.

McCOY

You pointy-eared computer, what are you talking about?

It’s not twenty-three-hundred hours yet.

JANET

Can’t you stay?We –

(SPOCK and
McCOY disappear in the sparkle of a transporter beam.)

SHOSHANA

Dammit, Janet.Star
Trek XII, XIII and XIV were supposed to have

Spock McCoy slash content.Created by us!

JANET

And now we’re not going to get it, dammit.

JANET

(singing)

Wish we could have had a Star Trek movie

With those two paired up at last

That would have been really groovy

To see our boys up on screen and slashed

SHOSHANA

(singing)

Slashy Trek on film, our boys annulled it

They have changed reel history

Jump through time, now that’s the culprit

Of temporal paradox mystery

JANET and SHOSHANA

(singing)

We have changed a thing much more important

Revving up real Spock McCoy

Far too long their love was dormant

Now they’ll live in harmony and joy

(JANET and SHOSHANA look at each other)

JANET

Harmony?Those two?

SHOSHANA

You’re right.It should have been “happiness
and joy.”

JANET and SHOSHANA

(singing)

All Coyotes soon will be elated

When Ms. Sykes has spread the word

Len and Spock are truly mated

Best news in a while that we have heard

SHOSHANA

I’ll go home and write up our visit from the boys!And a fic – no, a musical! – no, an opera! – about NUSpock
dumping T’Pring and Uhura for Bones!

JANET

You promised Len you wouldn’t finish that story!

SHOSHANA

(in a wheedling, conspiratorial tone)

Janet – if I don’t write that fic, it won’t be around for Roddenberry’s

great-granddaughter to collect, or for Sulu to misplace six years ago so

SCENE:JANET is standing on her computer table, backed up against the wall, trying to keep away from the CHORUS, as its members slowly approach her in a stealthily threatening manner. Some
COYOTES carry extra-jumbo-sized jarsmarked
“Spiced Peaches”; others wave extra-jumbo-sized sheets of printed paper, or extra-jumbo-sized representations
of Spock and/or McCoy.)