An Open Letter to the Woman Who Lets Her Dog Crap in My Yard

Dear Woman Who Doesn’t Clean Up Her Dog’s Crap From My Lawn,

Yeah, it’s me, the woman from the house on the corner, with the lawn that you have been letting your dog use as his personal restroom. You must be expecting this ass chewing- I’m totally aware that you are totally aware that you were caught today. Actually, you have been caught three days in a row, haven’t you? Boy, did you look guilty as you glanced up and saw me glaring at you from the front room window yesterday, and, I’m sorry, but how pathetic are you, RUNNING away like that? Seriously? You ran away like a kid who got caught stealing candy; and you, a grown ass woman. For shame. Your poor dog was still mid-crap when you harshly yanked his leash and practically dragged that bewildered creature down the street. And for what? So you wouldn’t have to bend your ass over and pick up the pile of poo from my lawn, just like you haven’t on numerous occasions. That’s right, I know you’ve done it before! I’ve been suspicious of you for awhile. And while I haven’t been able to catch you quite as red-handed as I did yesterday, you and I both know this wasn’t the first time.

I can’t stand pet owners like you. You don’t get it. That dog, and every thing he does, is your responsibility. Having a pet is much like having a kid; you have to feed them, shelter them, take them to the doctor, and clean up after them when they take a dump in their pants (or on a lawn, as the case may be). How would you like it if I brought my kids over to crap on your lawn? Because, believe me, it can be arranged. I have a 5 year old son who might really get a kick out of doing his business outside- he is a boy and boys are disgusting like that. My daughter, I don’t know about her, I might have to pay her to do it. Don’t think I won’t! I’m thisclose to following you home tomorrow to see where you live, so that maybe you can have some nasty little surprises festering in your grass for a change.

Yes, I know- dogs have no choice but to poo outside, they can’t use a toilet like my children can. And let me be clear, it’s not your dog with whom I am angry. He’s a dog; of course he wants to shit on our lawn, every dog wants to shit on our lawn. Our lawn is fabulous, it’s the only one on the block that is still green in January- and that’s not an accident. My husband takes excellent care of our lawn, he loves our lawn, he is perhaps a bit obsessed with our lawn. Our lawn is probably just as well cared for as your dog. It’s large and lush and clean, and we would like it stay that way. It’s a big reason (among many) that we ourselves don’t own a dog- WE DON’T WANT DOG CRAP ALL OVER OUR LAWN. Our kids play out there, they don’t want to run through the disgusting pile of smelly canine excrement that you have negligently left waiting for them, all because you can’t be bothered to handle basic, pet owning responsibility.

Lots, and I mean LOTS, of dogs visit our yard for the purposes of doing the ol’ Number 2; this does not thrill me. But I deal with it because I am quite aware that our lawn, for whatever reason, is the Mecca of neighborhood doggie doo destinations. I can handle it because most of these dogs have owners who clean the pooch poop up when their pet is finished. Those owners get a thumbs up and approving head nods from the front room window; they are the good kids who get gold stars. One owner even knocked on the door to ask for a baggie for his dog’s mess because he had forgotten to bring one. That man is awesome. You are not. Because you are the only one who has routinely showed so little respect for our property.

I suppose what pisses me off the most is the fact that even after yesterday, when you knew damn good and well I was angry about this dog crap situation, (honestly, the look on your face when you caught me furiously staring at you from the window- priceless!) you still showed up again today. Ready to let your dog crap with gay abandon in my front yard yet again, still no pooper scooper in sight. I was ready for you today; your four-legged pal had barely gotten settled in before I loudly knocked on the window, alerting you that you were being watched. You had the nerve to scowl at me and stomp off in a huff, looking all put out that your dog was just going to have to shit in someone else’s yard today. Are you kidding me? You’ve got balls, lady, I’ll give you that. But your gall is truly appalling. You are the reason that pet owners get a bad name.

So now I can’t help but wonder- will I see you again tomorrow? If so, will you actually attempt to clean up after your pet, finally? Did I embarrass you enough yet to make you decide it’s time to be a decent human being? Considering I’m tempted to snap a photo of you and your dog in the act to be posted on social media to further shame you, it would be advisable to invest in some poop collecting bags. Or, considering that I now feel a bit like waging a shit stopping war with you, it might be best if you alter your walk route so that my home is no longer on it. Either way, know that I will be keeping my eye on you, cell phone camera in hand, while my son practices taking dumps on a patch of fake lawn, ready to deal out some payback.