Tuesday, 17 December 2013

A local bobby gives a student a friendly punch in the face at ULU protests

The Metropolitan Police prepared to strike today, following declarations that tuition fees are to be introduced for all types of police training.
It is estimated that, when the next wave of GCSE-challenged police canditates graduate from secondary school, the cost of the Initial Police Learning and Development Programme will be an average £9,000 per year.
Home Secretary Theresa May called the fees 'a necessary measure to improve the standard of police training and national security.'
"As a result of the increased cash flow, we anticipate that British police will soon be the most efficient
and well-equipped police force in the world," said May. "Officers will be able to crack skulls with ease, using state-of-the-art windmill fighting techniques and durable, diamond-encrusted batons. Standard pepper spray will be replaced with canisters of 100% organic, Chilean pepper coulis from Marks and Spencer, which will still burn the eyes but will no longer offend the taste buds."

London Met chief Sir 'Hulk' Hogan-Howe called the cuts 'a disgrace', saying that police trainees, unlike most other students, should have the right to a free professional education.
"We announce today our plans to stage a demonstration on a busy London high street," said the Met chief at a packed press conference this morning. "We'll remain there, on strike, until the government withdraw this bill from parliament."

With a shortage of police officers available for duty, the government were forced to ask the British Army if they could step in to the vacant role of violently suppressing protests. However, army generals later discovered plans for Armed Forces Top-up Fees in the Downing Street pipeline, and have since joined the with the Free-Met movement.

Determined not to back down to what they call 'undemocratic bullying', the Con-Dem government are looking into the possibility of importing bands of African militia-men to beat down those taking place in the strike, scheduled for this evening.
"Any attempt to resist the disorientated, machete-wielding thugs will be treated as assault, and the perpetrators will be arrested," spoke David Cameron this afternoon, in a speech about 'being tough on civil liberties'.
Deputy PM Nick Clegg attempted to defuse tensions ahead of the protest by reminding police forces of 'how much they stand to gain' from the introduction of training fees.
"I think it's worth considering the point that all police trainees will have access to free 'elective' classes on the side of their regular IPLDP training," said Mr Clegg.
"Electives range from Advanced Kettling Techniques to M.Bison's Effective Street Brawling and are bound to be popular amongst the Metropolitan Police. Also, the police force have my word that, once fees are introduced, they will not be raised or topped up under any circumstance. I swear down on my Mum's life."