​A local Antique Lamp (who posts under the screen-name "Rocco") has been the victim of online bullying and “Shade-Shaming” at the hands of the online appliance community this week.

Lamp, who was born sometime in the mid-1950’s, says that he felt stripped of his dignity after posting himself for sale on the online auction site varagesale.com.

Lamp stated, “I’ve been sitting on this nightstand for the past fourteen years with no real problems and feeling alright about myself. But that all changed when I joined Varagesale.”

He watched his peers post picture after picture of themselves using strict filtering and lighting effects and getting glorified bids. As a result, Lamp started feeling unworthy and as though his life wasn’t so satisfactory anymore. That is when he made a decision to join in on the fun and experienced an unforeseen consequence.

“I thought I’d toss on a vintage handkerchief and advertise myself as an “Antique Lamp with Custom Shade.” He had no idea that the results would be so disastrous.

Within minutes he started receiving negative comments from other appliances. BigBulbs4u commented, “nice f**kin ‘custom shade’ you gentrified loser. Throw yourself in the garbage pls.”

Lamp ripped back in reply, “Go back to your shelf at Ikea u piece of shit. There are literally 1000’s of lamps just like u. At least I can say i’m original.”

The humiliation continued as the harassing group of appliances submitted bids between $0.01 and $0.67, clearly aiming to heckle Lamp and his brave decision to post an unaltered photo of himself on the auction site.

Lamp says that he refuses to lower his initial sale price of $80.00 due to his strong principles and lack of knowledge on how to delete himself from the internet.

Local women *Verla Caltrain and *Bernice Buckingham have made a shocking and globally transforming alternative fuel discovery in their very own backyards.

Caltrain stated that they "...figured that the naturally occurring anaerobic decomposition in area feline carcasses contained just as high, if not higher rates of carbon as ancient buried fossils." Buckingham furthered with, "The difference is, feline carcasses are easily accessible within our area and lift costs are next to zero."

It is unclear whether the carcasses are retrieved after the time of death, or if the area felines meet their demise at the hands of the notoriously private duo.

The humble pair made no mention of the impact they have made on lowered crime rates and unnecessary tax dollars being spent on investigations surrounding the FCS (Feline Crimelords of Saskatchewan). The FCS has been fingered in over 34 crimes across the RMs of Winslow, Snipe Lake, Mariposa, and of course Oakdale. The alleged crimes include, but are not limited to: Failure to Comply With a Firearms Prohibition, Possession of Property Obtained by Crime, Grand Theft Auto, and Aggravated Assault Upon Self Due to Congenital Brain Defects (not punishable by law due to patheticism of the crime).

Caltrain and Buckingham have not released their mutually discovered extraction and formulation process due to concerns over superfluous fame and fortune.​-JG

In the wake of the horrific chemical attack upon Syrian residents and resulting American strike of 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles at Al Shayrat airfield in western Syria, Saskatchewan communities are reeling.

Local resident *Darwin Yang says, "As terrorist attacks were continuing across the Middle East and Europe, nuclear threats from North Korea were re-emerging, and oil prices rising alarmingly...I found myself distracted and apprehensive in my daily life."

Yang says the humiliating dilemma all started off on Monday afternoon when he stopped to fuel up before an evening of target shooting and small game hunting. After replacing the nozzle back in the pump, he piped off down the highway while enjoying his favorite Phil Collins re-mix and felt something was amiss. When the realization hit him, Yang slapped his forehead and promptly hit the brakes. "I left my goddamn tire at the card lock... I've never done something this reckless before. I just can't think straight lately, Trump is sending me a lot of mixed signals. If the Korean peninsula gets stormed by U.S. ships... I'm gonna turn this rifle on myself."

At time of reporting, Yang was spotted at a local refreshment establishment handing out flyers for his newly formed WW3 preparation group "Individuals Standing In Solidarity" (currently placed under a gag order administered by the RM of Oakdale due to naming conflicts).

Local bonfire attendees were acutely disappointed and left hungry for more information on Friday, June 10.

Bonfire participant *Blake Buckingham reported that he felt, "...like a limp, torn sail in the midst of a dead sea..." after hanging onto every word of *Linda Speer's deliciously detailed story involving the birth, adoption and subsequent misplacement of a litter of kittens.

Speer spent several moments meticulously describing the laborious delivery a local feline endured the previous week, at one point informing the crowd that her son wanted to take the new kittens home, but was denied his request because, "..their f**king eyes weren't even open yet."

Buckingham recalls that just as the narrative was reaching it's climax, the woman stopped to light yet another menthol, and promptly forgot what she was talking about.

K-Town Tattler is further investigating the story, and will report any new developments on the postpartum cat and her new litter.

A spontanoues truck torque competition erupted on Main Street in Kindersley over the weekend.

The event started when *Nathan Young started up his jacked up F-350 outside of the Red Lion Tavern, and decided to pipe off for the local lot lizards enjoying a refreshing cigarette break on the patio.

The black smoke and sound of awesomeness attracted the attention of *Bernie Saunders, who was cruising by in his lifted vintage Dodge Ram 2500 that sits on a set of 37's with after market 20's. He decided to pull in beside Young to "...show this douche what a real truck sounds like. I hit the hammer hard and smoked him out for his first lesson." He goes on to say, "I hope someone got it on vid. Do you have any idea how hard I've worked to not make this truck look redneck? See any stacks back there? ...No? Exactly."

The glorious racket quickly attracted a large audience and more competitors. *Larry Weathers came cruising full tilt up Main in his Duramax, and was immediately challenged to a friendly duel of speed. He declined, however, due to "...wrong shitty injectors! I'm missing about 75 horsepower right now or else I'd be blowing the doors off these fuckin losers."

The contest lasted late into the night, illuminated by LED Light Bars and after market Halos.

Saskatchewan residents between the ages of 18-24 are paying close attention this election season, with polls showing that the strongest political influence on new voters is the sex appeal and popularity of the Party leaders.

*Farrah Lakeland, 18 stated, "Did you see the Premier cruising around in his Chevy and Levi 501's? That's sexy AND cool. If I had to choose between Brad Wall and Cam Broten... it would be B-Rad allllll the way. I'm voting Sask Party."

Red-headed *Ethan Phelps, 21 says he has been closely following the Saskatchewan Party and NDP platforms, and says he has made his decision. He reported, "I saw a pic of Broten's wife on Facebook and I was all, giirrrl come get summa this ginger beef!". He goes on to say , "I absolutely respect how mad hot she is. I'm voting NDP."

Local politicians are picking up on the importance of connecting with new voters, and have turned to social media to touch base with the area's younger constituents. Thursday afternoon while flying to Kelowna to grab a quick bite to eat, one particular MLA tweeted "OMG whatev Dearborn #rude #h8r #GTH4ever", and later that evening, "wifi is spotty on da @SaskParty jet, I'm like FML".

An independent rival MLA insisted on submitting a statement for the story, even though he was not asked for a comment. He stated, "I don't know where I am right now, or what I'm running for. But if anyone tries to look into my personal history, I'll block you on Facebook. This is NOT an empty threat."

Reactions to the virtual popularity attempts of the area MLA candidates have been varied. Nineteen year old *Cassie Brown says, "These old dudes trying to be cool is more embarrassing than that time my dad wore a headlamp at my dance recital." `

One thing is for sure though, the young voters of Saskatchewan have stood up and taken notice that it may be time for change. *Ryan Samson, 20 says he has a lot of friends in Alberta that have been able to kick back, relax, and live off of stretched lines of credit since the NDP was elected to a majority government in May of 2015. Samson stated, "I'm so sick and tired of steadily working. My Alberta friends don't have to worry about any of that B.S. anymore, so why should I? NDP all the way."

Finnigan McJingles, a Rosedale neighbourhood cat, has issued a sincere apology over an embarrassing mistake he made involving his neighbours' sandboxes.

Finnigan released the following statement on Monday, March 14: ​"To all the families I have hurt with my irresponsible and selfish behaviour, you have my deepest apologies. The only possible defence I can give myself is utter ignorance over the situation. I genuinely assumed you all had installed luxurious outdoor litterboxes especially for my use. I will not make this mistake again."

Finnigan reported that he has been defecating in area sandboxes for the past three years, never thinking there was any wrongdoing on his part.

He made the startling realization after observing the behaviour of local children in his giant litterboxes. "I honestly, for the longest time thought that their parents were making them scoop out my filth, so I could keep enjoying a nice clean litterbox. But eventually I put two and two together, and realized they were actually playing in the sand. Jeeeeeezus....those kids were playing in my shit! God, I feel awful."

He goes on to say, "I know for a FACT that Socks (who lives across the alleyway) is still doing it. I told him all about it when I found out, but he thinks it's hilarious so he does it on purpose every night. He's always been an asshole."

When Socks was asked for a comment, he simply blinked once before throwing up on a suitcase.

Healthcare professionals in the Kindersley region are preparing for a busy June, as a new study has directly linked the annual Goose Festival held in September to an influx of pregnant women among the local population. Doctors and nurses have been working around the clock in preparation for what many refer to as a deeply disturbing ordeal.​ "It's the same thing every year," said one bewildered nurse, "It's like the entire community gets together for one weekend in September and then nine months later, BAM! Babies everywhere!"

"This is really quite fascinating," claims Dr. Lance Preshovski, who funded and authored the study."A majority of the women are unable to identify who the father is based on three determining factors: the amount of liquor consumed, the similitary of attire worn by the male population of the community, and the poor lighting behind the West Central Events Centre."

A local health care worker (who wishes to retain their anonymity) expressed disgust over the situation. "It's just gross. How is it possible all these guys wearing Rock Revival jeans and Fox Racing t-shirts are actually getting laid?"

The Kindersley Health Region quickly responded to the study by releasing a public service announcement reminding community members that the best way to avoid unplanned pregnancy is to abstain from intercourse, or to visit one of the many local pharmacies to obtain the contraception that best suits your lifestyle and level of promiscuity.

Spring is near and with it comes warmer temperatures and lifted spirits. But for many local residents there is one major fear that looms ahead; Camel Toe attacks.

The Camel Toe is a highly dangerous creature that is common across many parts of the world, but most threatening in West Central Saskatchewan. Residents have reported sightings year round, but most commonly during the warmer months of the year.

Area woman *Leanne Shmerler recounts her most threatening attack for the Tattler, saying, “…There I was just wetting my whistle at the pub one night when all of a sudden ‘Thunderstruck’ started playing through the speakers. I froze in fear. I knew that was a Camel Toe calling song.”

Shmerler recalls making panicky eyes at her group of friends, who were all nervously anticipating an attack themselves.

Then it happened.

“BOOM! Two Camel Toes on either side of me, right beside my ears. I know that they can sense fear, so I did my best to feign bravery.”

She adds, “I tried to warn my friends (by referring to the predators via the code name suggested by the Saskatchewan Wildlife Federation, ‘Toe de la Camèl') but I think these varmints have evolved beyond the outdated defences we have.”

The Camel Toes then sent a telepathic signal to the rest of their herd, and Shmerler was quickly outnumbered. She was ferociously and efficiently devoured by the pack, and to this day bears the emotional scars of the night.

To protect yourself and your loved ones this season, the Wildlife Federation suggests keeping volume levels of Roxette songs extremely low, avoiding public swimming pools, and double checking yourself in a full length mirror before leaving the comfort of your own home.

In a sad case of mistaken identity, local riffraff *Don Peabody, 38 was temporarily wrongfully respected after being confused with someone much more successful and popular.

Peabody [who resides in a one bedroom apartment with a family of New Canadians] stated that, “Normally I live my life one terrible day at a time; fending off barking dogs, being hissed at by women, getting unfriended on Facebook….basically dealing with the everyday reality of someone like me.”

Everything changed however, when one day last week Peabody was mistaken for local hotshot *Max Shaftsman. Peabody reports that he was dragging his feet along the sidewalk outside of Pharmasave as per usual, when someone randomly and surprisingly gave him a high five. Peabody explained, “…that’s never happened to me before. Usually people just hand me their garbage.”

Peabody went along with his day visibly uplifted from the high five, and even went to the Town Library to revise his resume on a computer.

The next day Peabody was picking up empties along the side of Highway #21 when a white 2011 GMC Sierra pulled up beside him, rolled down the window and revealed two clean-cut chaps sporting Oakleys and collared t-shirts. The passenger warmly exclaimed to Peabody, “Hey Sugarballs! Whaddya doin’ out here?!”.

Peabody says he will never forget what happened next. “I turned to face these two obvious top-dogs to answer them, and they both started laughing at me.”

The fashionable driver then exclaimed, “..oh shoot, we thought you were Shafty!”. The glamorous pair then continued their insulting guffaws, expressing disbelief over mistaking the nincompoop for their valiant friend, Max Shaftsman (who is widely known for his Playboy Mansion-style parties and sexual adoration throughout town).

“Apparently this Shaftsman guy and I look a bit alike….I really thought for awhile there that things were turning around for me,” expressed Peabody. “But…I guess I’m destined to a life of living behind the scenes."

Peabody was last reported seen at the local Peavey Mart purchasing binoculars and Safflower oil.

Local residents are in shock after making a foul discovery on their property located on Ditson Drive.

*Rita and Sherman Hamsfeld, owners of the tainted property, say they were outside on a breezy Sunday morning doing some light yard work when Sherman let out a bloodcurdling scream.

“I had no idea what could be wrong,” states Rita. “I thought maybe he found a dead body.”

Rita had no idea that what her husband came upon was much more gruesome than she ever could have imagined.

Sherman shakily recounts that he was cleaning some random debris out of his bushes when he caught a glimpse of white cloth. He grabbed a shovel and poked at the article in question when he realized it was a pair of men’s underpants. Laughing to himself at first, he attempted to dislodge the undergarment and discovered it was soiled with human dung. That is when the screaming began.

“I freaked out man! To see a pair of sh*t-covered goch in your bushes…that changes a person.”

Once Sherman was able to gain control over his hysteria, he managed to maneuver the soiled underwear into a garbage bag and immediately disposed of it.

Rita says that the couple then started speculating on how such a grisly item could have ended up on their property. After assessing their location and the fact that they discovered the repugnant skivvies on a Sunday morning, they came up with what is assumed to be a factual account.

“So we figure there’s some guy getting wasted the night before at the Doghouse [a bar located down the street from the Hamsfeld’s] and he decides to walk home along Ditson,” supposes Sherman. “He probably starts feeling the sh*ts hitting him around the Co-Op, but thinks he can hold it in until he makes ‘er home. I guess he just didn’t make ‘er.”

Rita interjects with, “Ya, can you imagine how badly you’d need to sh*t to just let it rip in someone’s bushes? I kind of feel bad for whoever he is.”

It is then concluded that the suspected “Bush Dumper” was in a panic after relieving his quivering bowels, realizing he was needing to clean himself. After looking around and finding nothing else suitable, he begrudgingly removed his own underwear and made use of them before drunkenly hiding them in the shrubbery.

The Hamsfelds say they do not feel ill will towards the Bush Dumper, and hope he gets the medical attention he obviously needs.

A group of local motorcycle enthusiasts were spotted fuelling up at the Coop Cardlock yesterday. When stopped to ask about the purpose of this chilly ride, ring leader and locally renowned cheeseburger enthusiast *Jaxon Green replied "well, with lack of work in the oilfield and the unusually warm weather, me and the boys decided to head for Coleville to get some Dodge Burgers!"The crew of nearly a dozen Harley riders echoed his enthusiasm with a round of loud, slack-jawed cheers. "Sometimes you just gotta throw caution to the wind ya know? Nothin' warms the belly quite like one of them world famous Dodge Burgers!"A local farmer who was filling his slip tank at the time was asked what he thought of the dangerously overweight group's plan: "How can they keep those white sunglasses from sliding down when their faces are so sweaty?"When a member of the group was asked if he was aware that it was actually wing night in Coleville, he vehemently responded, "Whatcha think these saddle bags are for?" When the Coleville Bar was contacted about their knowledge of the situation,the owner was quoted as saying "We keep a few tarps in the beer cooler just in case", and expressed his disappointment as, "it's gonna be a long time before anyone wants to eat in this establishment again."​-SC*Names have been changed to protect identities

Jerry Andrews (pictured here unlawfully using a handicap scooter) is the recipient of Kindersley's "Neighbour of the Year" Award

Local man *Jerry Andrews has been given the prestigious "Neighbour of the Year" award by Town Council.

Andrews, 34 is well known on his neighbourhood block in Kindersley. Residents say you can always count on a friendly wave when you see him on his driveway working on his Harley, in his extremely loose sweatpants.

"Seriously, Asscrack Jerry is getting Neighbour of the Year?" says *Regan Mewls, who lives beside the award winner. Mewls warmly describes his neighbour as someone you can always count on to drink your Bud Light and eyeball your wife. He goes on to say, "that asshole lets his dogs out the front door everyday to come sh*t on my lawn. I've filed complaints with the Town, but nothing ever gets done about him."

*Glenda Dearborn who lives across the street from Andrews expressed some surprise at the news. "Wait, there must be some huge mistake... Jerry? We've actually filed numerous complaints about him with the Town. Maybe his name got put into the wrong file?" When pressed for details, Glenda reported that, "...three weeks ago I saw him dumping his empty beer cans into my recycling bin. I asked him to please stop doing that since it wasn't the first time I've caught him. He told me to 'shut my c*ckholder', took my newspaper and went back to his house."

When asked about his feelings on being the recipient of the prestigious award, Andrews performed a celebratory shotgun of his beer and commented, "F**kin eh!!! About time someone recognized this gem!". He then excused himself to go empty his bladder onto the flowerbed underneath his neighbour's bedroom window.

*Dolly Rubbers, an area blow-up doll, says she is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after spending the night with local man *Reggie Stevens.

Dolly filed complaints against Stevens after what she says was a gruesome evening that left her suffering from night terrors and intense anxiety.

Stevens was introduced to Dolly on the doomful evening of February 20, 2016 in the dressing room of a local sports arena after a senior hockey game.

“He seemed like an alright guy at first,” reports Dolly. “I liked his sense of humour and unique facial hair.”

Friends say that Stevens usually exhibits a strict moral code when it comes to encounters with the opposite sex. However, on this particular evening something seemed abnormal about his behaviour.

“Everything was going well at first. He was eating beef jerky for supper and telling me about his plans to petition for Bullseye Cigarillos to be put back on the market.”

Stevens then invited Dolly back to his place, which turned out to be a ’97 Buick LeSabre with after-market rims. That is when things took a turn for the worse.

The Blow-Up Doll agitatedly recounts, “I just don’t know what happened. As soon as we got into the back seat he grabbed me by the shoulders and demanded to know my real name.”

After taking a moment to catch her breath, Dolly furthered with, “When I refused to reveal my birth name, he started up the car and drove (on fumes) to his friend’s unoccupied house. He then took me inside and forced me to…to….to do things I normally would never agree to.”

Dolly says she managed to escape after Stevens fell asleep in a pool of his own tears.

When questioned by reporters, Stevens (who is currently residing in the local RCMP Detachment) had no comment.

A local male teenager has been stricken by “Bieber Fever”, and doctors say the prognosis does not look good.

“Bieber Fever can hit at anytime. Sadly, we see this a lot in pubescent individuals, but never at this extreme level”, says Dr. Feldman, who has not personally treated the teen. Dr. Feldman goes on to say, “This condition most often strikes teen females, but in rare cases young males can be affected.”

The teen’s family say that they first noticed symptoms back in November after Justin Bieber dropped his new album ‘Purpose’. The youngster’s Uncle recalls that, “…our sweet little guy started ending every sentence with ‘ya feel me girl?’ and trying to buy a pet monkey off of ebay. We weren't sure what to make of it at first. But then he started sporting leather sweatpants and licking his lips every four seconds, and we knew he had the fever.”

Although there is no known cure, studies show that ‘Bieber Fever’ can be successfully controlled by rounds of intense ridicule and regular beatings, something the teen’s family says they are willing to do.

When the teen was questioned about his feelings on his condition, he responded, “My message is you can do anything if you just put your mind to it, girl.”​-JD

In a disturbing twist of fate, four local men (*Blake Buckingham, *Jed Stroker, *Darwin Yang, and *Slater Phelps-left to right in photo) are being faced with a serious intervention by friends and family.

It is said that the group’s mental health has been severely damaged due to the excess amount of alcohol they have consumed over the years. Studies show that long-term alcohol abuse causes permanent cognitive impairment and acute anxiety attacks, especially in aging males.

The decision to intervene came after the foursome were seen heading into Saskatoon to spend some quality time together before attending Buckingham’s surprise party.

It was reported that day that Jed Stroker, 33 suffered a sever panic attack after a pigeon landed by his feet. "It was so crazy, we were just walking along totally fine, when he let out a scream and his body completely contorted onto the ground,” says Yang. After the other men shooed the pigeon away Stroker regained control over himself, and carried on with the day. Later that afternoon Slater Phelps, 44 was overheard in the bathroom in his hotel room asking himself questions such as, “Why are my eyes so yellow?”, and “Who says I can't get a kitty?”, before turning the lights off and on exactly fourteen times.

The four men (all possible liver transplant candidates) travelled to a local acreage later that day to take Buckingham to his surprise fortieth birthday. Upon entering the room to over fifty friends and family members, Buckingham wept uncontrollably and was inconsolable for upwards of forty-five minutes. His wife states, “…it was very concerning. I’ve noticed he has been having trouble controlling his emotions for awhile now, but I didn’t know his mental health has been this affected.”

Later that night Darwin Yang was point blanked by other partygoers regarding the amount of alcohol that was consumed by the men during their quality time day. In response, Yang unbuttoned his heavily soiled shirt and told the crowd to ‘mind ya business’ while the other three men beat their chests and performed a chant song like they were a group of powerful Wall Street stockbrokers. The four men then, to the crowd's surprise, turned on one another before RCMP arrived at the scene.

Loved ones say they plan to stage the intervention later in the week and preferably in the early afternoon, as happy hour can quickly creep up on the foursome.*Names have been changed to protect identities-JG

Sadly, the foursome turned on one another before RCMP were called to the scene.

A group of local whitetail deer were overheard complaining about the lack of challenging hunters in the area.

Doe Hopstien was said to be standing in a field last Tuesday when she heard a ruckus approximately 400 meters to the northwest. When she looked over to investigate, two local hunters in expensive looking XXL camo gear stopped their snowball fight, ducked behind a bush and started giggling.

“I remember rolling my eyes as I prepared to act totally oblivious to them. It’s getting harder and harder to pretend though. One of them was chain smoking and the other kept taking calls from his wife,” says Doe. She eventually just waved her hoof at them, then left to go find her friends.

Buck Longpoint remembers two weeks ago when he stood and watched a man carefully scotch tape twigs and leaves to his coat and hat, then stood in plain view pretending to be a tree. “I actually felt bad for this guy, he was waving his arms in the air to mimic branches swaying in the wind. I noticed that he left his gun in his truck, which was parked about 15 feet away. So I thought, ‘What the hell, why not have some fun with this one?’”.

Buck says he walked up to the costumed hunter and started sniffing his clothes to feign interest. “He didn’t have one weapon on him. Like, what was he going to do…tackle me to the ground and strangle me to death? I’m an eight point Buck for Christ’s sake. This guy looked like he hadn’t seen the inside of a gym since Law & Order premiered." Once Buck realized how pathetic the situation was, he turned around, farted in the hunters face and left.

Buck says that in order to generate some income, him and his buddies have agreed to pose dead for hunters to take pictures with them for their instagram accounts (deer slang refers to these ones as “Glam Hunters”).

Doe and Buck were last reported seen taking dumps in hunting blinds.-JG

Feb. 18, 2016: *Shawn Desmond, 36 says he and his friends have been way ahead of the "Dad Bod" trend for years, and have been steadily working on their physiques even with their busy schedules.

"I started on my 'Dad Bod' back in 2007, the week after I met my future wife," says Desmond. "I had just lost a bunch of weight and she told me I could use a little meat on my bones. So I gained 67 pounds."

Desmond's wife *Laurie has been closely monitoring her husband's weight for years, and reports that the graphical representation looks like a giant checkmark. "Basically it started a little up, then dipped down big once, then just steadily back up after that." She goes on to say that she "...doesn't mind a little cushion. I like a man who appreciates my cuisine."

The trio of "Dad Bods" are known for their cutting-edge trend setting and have also claimed to have brought back things such as the Adidas Track Suit, elastic-bottom sweatpants, velcro, and backwards hats.

When asked what their next trend will be, Desmond responded, "Adult diapers. It's time."​-JD*Names have been changed to protect identities

Feb. 18, 2016: With the winter season coming to a close, the women of Kindersley eagerly anticipate the Spring and everything it brings.

*Becky Hardlow, 37 says she is looking forward to “…pedicures, flip flops, and having my lawn professionally dethatched and mowed.”

When asked who her preferred lawn service provider is she replied, “Oh I’ve stuck with the same boys every year. *R.B Lawn Services. They do a great job.”

*Ricki Bobby, 28, owner of R.B Lawn Services says he starts getting calls and text messages every year around this time to book in his quality lawn servicing. And he always brings his sturdy friend *Cruz along to help handle the load.

“Most of the calls and texts I get are from the wives of the household, I guess their husbands don’t really understand how important lawn care is.”

When asked how he deals with sun and heat safety when there are higher than normal temperatures, Ricki says, “Oh, we always get invited in for a nice cold glass of lemonade, or hosed off in some cool water.” He goes on to say, “You know… it’s funny! It seems that every year these ladies ask us to come work on their lawns during the hottest weeks of the month. It can get sweaty out there!”

*Warren Johnson, husband of Natalie, says that he doesn’t really need his lawn aerated this year, but that his wife insists on it. “I guess she really takes pride in our lawn because she makes sure it is professionally maintained every year.”

Last week Ricki posted on his Facebook page that his services have expanded to 'digging in and laying pipe', and his calendar was immediately booked full. “Irrigation and under-ground sprinklers are a passion of mine, I'm so happy the ladies of Kindersley are as excited as I am about it!”.-JD*Names have been changed to protect identities

Buckingham, 40 was cordially invited to his neighbour’s shop for a few beers and some good eats, along with other locals. Things were going fine, until Buckingham bit into his freshly grilled hot dog and burned ‘the living sh*t’ out of his tongue.

“The guy just freaked!” reported the neighbourhood Host of the get-together. “I grabbed one of his beers and gave it to him to cool off his tongue, but it didn’t help.” (Sources say that Buckingham always insists on keeping his Pilsners warm, because they go down faster that way.)

“I did everything I could, but a hot Pilsner wasn’t going to take care of his problem. He needed something else.”

At that point, the thoughtful Host grabbed Buckingham by the back of the head and thrust his face into a snowbank, shouting “Keep your mouth open!”.

One partygoer described the scene as “…really intense, everyone was laughing their asses off. I mean, to see this guy screaming with his face shoved in a snowbank…it was incredible. He managed to hang onto his beer the entire time!”.

The laughter stopped however, once Buckingham managed to extract his tongue from the ice-cold relief.

One witness stated that Buckingham “…just went nuts. He grabbed everyone’s quad keys and threw them as hard as he could in every direction while calling us all "...*expletive deleted*-pieces-of-*expletive deleted*-*expletive deleted*-sucking-sorry-*expletive deleted*-excuses-for-human-beings". Then he jumped on his own quad to go home, but it wouldn’t start! Thank god *Shawn was there to boost it for him. We may not be alive right now if it wasn’t for him.”

After hollering at the crowd that none of them were ever allowed on his property, Buckingham told the Host’s dog to “go f**k himself”, and rode off into the night.

Buckingham was last reported seen only through the cracks of a venetian blind.-JD*Names have been changed to protect identities

Saturday night at the Kindersley Inn Pub is usually full of laughter and light-hearted local singers looking to have a fun filled night. But on February 13, 2016, karaoke in the small, quiet town was in total shambles.According to patrons, a group of four middle aged, attractive, slightly inebriated women walked into the pub that was hosting Saturday night karaoke. After ordering a round of “doubles”, the shortest and loudest one of the group demanded to sing her “jam”.

*Gord Lonechild, who was operating and hosting Karaoke that night, reported “…I didn’t really have a choice. This girl just grabbed the microphone and told me that I was lucky to witness what she was about to do. So I just hit play and let her have at it.”

Patrons said that her first performance was surprisingly enjoyable. Next up was another one of the group. After downing her two-thirds full drink in one gulp, she walked up to the mike and dedicated her song to “all the boys who can’t get with this”. Again, patrons said the performance was quite good, and were looking forward to more.​That’s when things took a turn for the worse. The group of women (after taking shots and selfies for a few moments) started challenging the other patrons to a sing-off. Understandably intimidated, the patrons declined with one saying, “there was NO way I was going to get up there with them. They were getting a little violent and inappropriate.”When no one would accept their challenge, the four women turned on Lonechild, with one of them wrapping the microphone cord around his neck while the other three kicked over his audio equipment.

“The damage is beyond repair, I’m afraid we have to shut down karaoke for the time being.”

When questioned the next day, the oldest and therefore most responsible member of the violently talented group of women stated, “My friends are perfect, and if you say otherwise I will burn your house down and tell your kids what you really do on the weekends."Touché Madame.​-JD*Names have been changed to protect identities

On Tuesday, February 16 she came across a local news satire site and immediately dug her heels into the dirt. “Who in their right mind finds this type of stuff funny? With falling oil prices and job losses, the last thing Kindersley needs right now is something to laugh about.”

When questioned on why she reads the “articles” due to her hatred of humour, she took a long thoughtful drag off of her Matineé and replied, “…well, I don’t want to be out of the loop. And besides, what else am I going to express my opinion about on social media, other than a subject I clearly don’t understand?”

A friend of Lucille’s explains, “She’s a good sh*t, just wound a little tight. I don’t think she understands the difference between a funny satire website as opposed to the Rant ’N Rave Facebook page. So, just give her a break, ok?”.

Lucille insists she has a sense of humour, pointing out her poster of a wet cat wrapped in a towel with the caption ‘Bad Hair Day’, and her DVD collection of ‘Frasier’ (Seasons 2 thru 6).

Lucille was reportedly last seen frowning at her iPhone.-JD*Names have been changed to protect identities

A local man (name being withheld to protect his identity) has been making wild and outlandish claims of exaggerated fuel mileage, and everyone has had enough.

According to friends, his tall tales began last summer while hauling his camper, he sent a group text stating, “gettin 17 towing dis pig against the wind f***ers!!”

“There is NO way he’s getting 17 pulling, it’s total horse shit! Maybe 10 if he’s lucky”, says a friend of the accused.

When questioned on the validity of his claims, another mutual friend stated, “Ya, and I’m sure his wife blows him every Saturday. It’s just B.S. and everyone knows it.”​The accused remains steadfast in his mileage claims, and when asked for a comment on the story simply said, “Suck it.”​-JD

Local residents of Kindersley say their lives are being ruined by the area “loud laugher”. *Dwayne, who lives three houses down from the neighbourhood monster stated, “Like, he’s a great guy and all, and his wife is smokin’ hot….but I just can’t take the obvious middle finger he’s giving me with his happiness.” He goes on to say, “It seems like everywhere I go, there he is just laughing it up. Like his life is so much better than mine.” Dwayne goes on record to say that he estimates his own laughter to be “maybe a few times a week”, which is found to be the norm in West Central Saskatchewan.​-JD*Names have been changed to protect identities

DISCLAIMER: K-Town Tattler is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within ktowntattler.com are fiction, and presumably fake news.Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.If you would like to send hate mail, email me and I will feature you.