(Closed) MOH – feel like I don’t know her anymore

I have two great best friends and when choosing my MOH, ended up choosing the one I had known less time but lives in the same state as me and knows my fiance well. About four months before the wedding, she told me she’s a lesbian. (She was dating a guy the whole time I’ve known her.)

She hangs out all the time with her new girlfriend. Though I respect her and love her all the same, our friendship has drastically changed. I think mostly because the person standing next to me did a 180 and I feel blindsided that I thought she was one person and turns out she’s another. I don’t care that she’s a lesbian, but it does change the dynamic of our friendship.

So now, it’s a couple months til the wedding and I barely see her. I’m trying to get the other bridesmaids involved but she wants to take ownership of the shower and bachelorette party. Also, I feel uncomfortable talking to her about this – but I am worried she’ll bring her girlfriend to the wedding which I wouldn’t mind but it’s in my conservative hometown where a LOT of people at the rehearsal dinner would be uncomfortable.Normally I’d say who cares, but I don’t want that to be the focus and topic of convo.

My story is not really similar, but I have a cousin whom I love very much who is gay. He has been "out" for a really long time and has been in a loving, committed realtionship with the same man since then.

Much of my family has a hard time with this and does not really accept it. They accept him and love him, but do not talk to or about his partner. They live in Florida and most of the family lives in the Chicago area so when he comes to visit, it’s just him and the rest of the family has never really given him a chance.

My FI and I want to invite both of them to our wedding. We feel like it is wrong to exclude someone who my cousin loves and is committed to just because some family won’t feel ‘comfortable’ with that. It may be a bit awkward but we are choosing to do the right thing in our minds (since, actually, it is our wedding!).

I say have a conversation with your MOH and tell her that you love her and respect her decision (if, in fact, you do). Tell her you still want her help with some things and would like her to be involved. That may be all she needs to get her motivated and back to being your best friend.

About the people who will be sitting in judgement of her and her girlfriend…who cares. Maybe talk with your parents and make sure they know that judging her is not an ok thing to do at your celebration. Also, you may want to give your MOH a ‘heads up’ about some people that may be there.

I’m not entirely sure if the issue is that she’s not spending as much time with you, or that you feel a bit blindsided by the whole thing. Perhaps some of the bees planning same-sex weddings can chime in here, but I’m wondering if you’re perception of her changing 180 degrees isn’t just that. It might seem like that’s a fundamental difference, but she’s still the same person she was before she realized her sexual preference. Very likely she’s a bit happier and more comfortable with herself, but otherwise I’m sure all the qualities that you love about her and on which your friendship is based remain. And many of the changes you might be observing may just be a result of her being in a better place now that she understands herself better and isn’t hiding who she is. I can understand that it might take some getting used to, but I would encourage you to look past this one change in her to realize she’s still the same wonderful person you asked to be your MOH.

And it may be the case that you feel betrayed that she hid this from you, but I’m guessing it’s something even seh didn’t really know (maybe thought but didn’t know) beforehand. And given that everywhere (even not so far from SF where I live) in this country there remains a lot of prejudice against same-sex relationships, I can see it being very hard to admit even to herself. So ti’s probably not a reflection on your friendship.

As to her coming to your RD etc, I think you should possibly let her know in advance that is what your hometown/family is like, just as a forewarning. And then let her decide what she wants to do. FYI, my family from India is very conservative and homosexuality is not very acceptable there. My BIL’s aunt is married to another woman. At my sister’s wedding no one said a word or talked about it. I don’t really know what they thought in their heads (hopefully opened their eyes a bit), but hopefully people in your hometown will still respect proper etiquette w.r.t. how you treat people.

I agree with fizicsGirl. I’m not going to repeat what she said, but you may also want to address with your MOH how her girlfriend will feel if she comes to the wedding. I can see it going either way — she could be incredibly uncomfortable, OR (very possibly) the other guests may not realize they are partners but just assume they’re friends and leave it at that.

Finally, I’d suggest you go out of your way to show interest in her life and girlfriend to see how much of a 180 this really is and if she’s truly happy now that she’s come out. That could make you both more comfortable. I know I’ve been so tied up with wedding planning that I need to reconnect with what’s going on in my friends’ lives.