After I’ve gone to bed and slept “for the night”, and I wake up again, I’ll have just a few short hours to take care of business before I’m off to Sin City where I’ll undoubtedly be disgustingly UN-sinful. If you’ve read my last two posts than you know that I’m hurting for money to have fun on this trip, but I’m going to try and make the best of it, though I’m not sure how that will pan out.

I wish I was going on this trip with a significant other and not a platonic friend, not to mention a platonic friend of the opposite sex (I’m gay and she doesn’t do it for me.)

Anyway, as I was about to sign off tonight it occurred to me that this will be my last opportunity to post anything for 2008. I will not have access to a computer again until Saturday, January 3, 2009, and I may not actually have a chance to do anything till the fifth.

With that in mind, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank my readers (and I think you know who you are) for taking the time to check my blog out this past … Well it’s only been six months, but I’ll say year anyway. And I’ll ask that you keep coming back in 2009… maybe tell your friends. I hope that there will be new and exciting things to read about in the coming year.

I had to “fire” my therapist yesterday. I hope that “lay off” is a more appropriate term but either way the result is the same.

I had to fire her for financial reasons. The recession (or my own fiscal irresponsibility) has gotten the best of me… for now. This trip to Las Vegas certainly doesn’t help, but it’s been planned and paid for for four months and the air fare and hotel cost me nearly $500.00. It just doesn’t feel OK to forfeit that, but that’s not really the point.

The Company that Created the HMO doesn’t provide adequate coverage for psychiatric care. They believe that the solution to their patients problems is to put them in weekly classes with a bunch of other people and one hour visits once every six weeks with a therapist who doesn’t really pay attention. But if you need regular one on one therapy, forget it. They don’t provide that. They do offer supplemental health care, which is a third party company that offers additional coverage. In the case of psychiatric treatment they cover 50% of 20 visits per year, but it’s on a reimbursement basis, which means I have to pay out of pocket first. And, even then it’s only for five months of the year. The rest of the year I have to pay 100% of the expenses out of pocket. I pay my therapist $75.00 a week for our sessions, or $3900.00 a year.

At the beginning of this year, I began orthodontia treatment with Invisalign invisible braces. I could never have paid for it out of pocket. I signed up for the Health Care Spending Account, through work. One hundred twenty-five dollars of every paycheck went to pay the bill for my Invisalign, $3000.00 in total. Granted this was not an on-going thing beyond this year, but it was a bigger hardship than I anticipated, nonetheless. So, $300.00 a month for therapy, and $250.00 a month for the Health Care Spending Account, is $550.00 a month, that I consider money well spent (though it’s money I firmly believe I should not have to spend out of pocket, if my insurance didn’t suck so much), nevertheless it’s money that I don’t have to spend on other things.

Over the last few months I have gotten farther and farther behind on my utility bills. My three credit cards are all maxed out and even though I keep making my payments, they’re not always before the due date and as a result I’m incurring fees on top of the finance charges and I’ve been unable to get ahead of all that. And as the final straw, my December car payment didn’t go through because of a typographical error. Due to my own ineptitude, or stupidity or whatever, I actually thought I had seen this payment post to my on-line banking for my checking account and that I was in good shape. As a result, by the time I knew that the payment hadn’t gone through, I no longer had the funds to make the payment. Now they want two months worth of a payment (and they’ve charged me a late/returned payment fee.) I hold them partially responsible because while they have both my phone number (they’ve called when I was a day late with the payment) and my e-mail address (I get receipts for my on-line payments this way), they’ve made no effort to contact me about this other than to send me a letter that didn’t arrive for five days after the payment was reversed, but I recognize that it is ultimately my own responsibility which is why it’s so difficult for me to tolerate the situation.

For as long as I can remember I have been living paycheck to paycheck and I just can’t take it anymore. So I made the very difficult decision to discontinue therapy for the foreseeable future (Insightful Therapist called it a hiatus – which I much prefer.) Starting with my next paycheck I’ll have an additional $500.00 to $550.00 a month (the Health Care Spending account deductions were pre-tax so I don’t know how that will all shake out.) It is my intention to pay off my credit cards and cancel two of the three, and get my bills back to current and stay on top of them. I want to get some money in savings. I would also like to start paying ahead on my car and get that expense paid off as quickly as possible.

The problem with all this is that, until recently, I really did feel like therapy was optional. Like it was “a nice to have”, but it wasn’t necessary and I could stop going when it became a problem. The thought to stop going has crossed my mind from time to time over the last few months but I’ve continued to go because I know it’s helping me, and because my therapist is self employed, and even though I know it’s not my responsibility to keep her funded, I also felt a sense of obligation to keep going for her sake. I can only assume that she depended on my money as well. Finally, this week-end, when I realized how far behind I am on everything, when I realized I was days away from a Las Vegas vacation, for which I had no spending money, and all the things that would be waiting for me when I returned, I realized I could no longer make her finances my problem and I made the difficult decision to stop therapy.

I arrived at my appointment yesterday afternoon, somewhat anxious about the whole thing but mostly resigned to my task. I walked into the room, sat down on the couch, looked her in the eyes and said, “I made a difficult decision this week-end.”

“What was that?” she asked.

“I have to stop coming here,” I answered. And for the first time in almost two and a half years, I cried. I continued, “It figures, that after all this time, today is the day you’d see tears out of me.”

I feel like a failure. I’m angry at my own inability to better manage my finances and my desires to have things. I’m afraid that without her support I might have some sort of relapse of the depression or of any number of the other issues, I deal with. I’m afraid that even with the determination I’ve come away with, that my fear of failure will prevent me from actually accomplishing what I’ve set out to do, and I’m afraid that these things I’ve set out to do will hamper any other efforts toward better emotional health that I’ve undertaken. I feel like this was the worst thing I could do, and at the same time, I feel like I have no other choice in the matter.

When I let her office yesterday afternoon, I was in a bit of a daze. I drove home, feeling, honestly, like I had lost a dear friend, which is funny since I never felt like I could get past the professional nature of our relationship. I always had a block about what that relationship might really be because I couldn’t see paying someone to be my friend. But it really was more than just a service provider/customer relationship.

Life Goes On

Kelly Martin as Becca Thatcher on Life Goes On

There is a moment in television history (during my lifetime, anyway) that has always stood out to me as something I just couldn’t understand.

In the television show Life Goes On there was a scene when the youngest daughter, Becca, foolish child that she was, was breaking up with Tyler Benchfield as played by the tragically mulleted – but otherwise smokin’ hot – Tommy Puett, the guy she’d dated for the first part of the series. With them both in tears, Becca, played by Kelly Martin, says to Tyler, “I still love you.”

Tommy Puett as Tyler Benchfield on Life Goes On

Tyler says, “I know. But I don’t think you like me very much anymore.” Conveniently, within a couple episodes Tyler had been in a tragic automobile accident and after a protracted period of deliberate tear jerking, he died because of his injuries.

Looking back, I should have known then that I was gay because I thought Tyler was super hot and when Becca dumped him to be with the twig that was Chad Lowe whose character was HIV positive and destined to die, I thought she was the stupidest girl on television and was far less interested in the outcome of her character’s story.

At the time I remember thinking how ridiculous it was that she would break up with him if she was in love with him. It seemed completely implausible to me that someone would do that. But last night, I finally understood.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not in love with Insightful Therapist. But she is important to me. Our relationship is extremely important to me and losing that relationship is more emotionally traumatic to me than I could have imagined. I lay in bed last night, with this heavy feeling of loss sitting on my chest, feeling like one of those tearful teenagers saying, “You’re so important to me,” and “I know, but that’s not enough for right now.”

Insightful Therapist called it a hiatus. I decided to look at it more as a “lay-off” than a “firing”. We both hope this is a temporary situation. We both agree that I’m not “done” I just hope that in four to six months I will feel more financially stable and I can return. IT said, “You’re in the middle.” It’s been nearly two and a half years. I guess that means I have nearly two and half years before I’m done… I hope to be back soon. Today, though, I just feel alone. …Like I’m standing tearfully, on the sidewalk, in the cold watching this person who loves me, but doesn’t like me very much, walking away.

As I discussed in my previous post, I was a big fan of the Star Trek Universe, growing up. I always enjoyed Star Trek: The Next Generation, having made it a point never to miss it. Naturally, I have seen all of the movies, many times, as well, and a moment that has always stood out for me, comes from what is actually, in many ways my least favorite of the films, Star Trek: First Contact. There is a scene in the film when Captain Jean-Luc Piccard, is explaining the economics of the future to a very frightened Lilly, played by Alfre Woodard. “Money does not exist anymore in the 24th century, humans have advanced beyond the drive for material wealth and possessions.”

I remember how wonderful that thought was to me. How nice, not to have to worry about having the money for things. How nice to have a higher ideal. Of course I realize that the reality is that without money, if everything that currently relies upon currency were so readily and easily available to us, it would be disastrous because we would become lazy, worthless bums. Nevertheless, every time I’m faced with financial difficulty (greater than the norm, that is) I think about this world where money is not needed and I wish so very strongly that I lived there.

My Mitsubishi Endeavor

The Saturday before Thanksgiving, I was out and about with Green M&M. I had just finished a day of shopping with spending more money than I should have at Target and we were ready to leave the parking lot. I turned the key in the ignition of my 2004 Mitsubishi Endeavor, a vehicle which, with the exception of a break-in six months after I bought it, I have never had a problem with and I looked down at the console to see that my “Service Engine Soon” light was still on, even after all the other lights had gone off. No money to pay for repairs and plans to see Eve on the Friday after Thanksgiving for which I’d have to drive 65 miles one way, the glowing light had me pretty worried. Fortunately, it was a relatively simple fix (The Oxygen Sensor needed to be replaced) but it cost $405.00, which I did not have and had to borrow from Green M&M in the form of putting it on her credit card. I told her then I would not be able to pay her back before February and now, that’s looking iffy.

New Year's Eve in Las Vegas

Green M&M and I are going to Las Vegas for New Year’s Eve. The trip was planned three or four months ago and the air fare and hotel are paid for. Now I’m four days away from the actual trip and realizing I have no money to spend on the actual trip. No money for food. No money for gambling (I only ever play nickle slots) and no money for souvenirs of any kind.

I have spent the day trying to figure out how I’m going to make this work and I’m still at a loss. It’s really frustrating to me, to be sitting here the day after I got paid, and seeing $1800.00+ in my bank account and knowing I have no money. That amount has to cover my rent, car insurance, therapy bill, and household necessities. And it’s just not enough. I entertained the idea of a payday advance, and still might have to do that but I expect that would create more problems than it solves in the long run.

How nice would it be if money weren’t necessary. How nice would it be to have transporter devices in stead of automobiles/airplanes. The Star Trek Universe is looking better and better all the time!

Majel Barrett who played Lwaxana Troi, on Star Trek: The Next Generation (ST: TNG), died yesterday at the age of 76, from Leukemia. If you care, and you want to read up on it, I’m sure you can find any number of stories about her and about her death (not to mention her life) on the internet today. But what really bothers me, aside from the obvious sadness that goes with any loss of human life, is what this means for Star Trek.

The wife of Gene Roddenberry, who created Star Trek, Barrettt is one of the few actors who has been in every version of Star Trek ever to exist. Most notably, she has provided the voice of the Federation Computer systems in every show (except Enterprise – I think) since the first Star Trek movie. She is a Star Trek icon and things will never be the same.

Star Trek: The Original Series

I remember being a young boy in the ’80s, lying on my mother’s bed on Saturday afternoons, watching the original Star Trek series. I remember thinking that this show must have been on forever. I knew it wasn’t a current production but I honestly didn’t know the history behind it. I didn’t know that the show was only on for three seasons. I didn’t know that NBC canceled it after the first season and that it was brought back, only because of the outpouring of viewer objection and a letter writing campaign. I just knew it was a fun show to watch and I liked Captain Kirk. It’s funny how things change because in later years while watching The Next Generation, I remember reflecting on the original series as not being that great and thinking that the acting and the stories were lame and not liking Captain Kirk all that much. For years, I have reflected on the original series as being hokey, and William Shatner as being a ridiculous caricature of a man. His speech patterns and over-acting leave a lot to be desired, even now. As Denny Crane on Boston Legal, he could only be laughed at for being such a buffoon. But not long ago I watched a few digitized episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series (ST: TOS), on HD Net. I was quite surprised to see that I actually found Captain Kirk quite attractive, in his youth.

I have loved Star Trek for as long as I can remember. Even when I did not like it, I loved it.

Star Trek: The Next Generation

After those original series episodes became harder to find, I forgot, to some extent that Star Trek existed, outside of the movies and then one day my family was visiting another family and the kids were watching this new Star Trek series, “Star Trek: The Next Generation“. I was roughly 12 years old and I thought it was really dumb. More importantly, I thought it would never work, “There can’t be a Klingon on a Starfleet ship” we said. And honestly, if you watch that first season or two, you’ll see that it was pretty hokey. But then the show caught on and, I’m sure, got more money and it started really improving until it became one of my favorites and a can’t miss show.

About five years in, a new series was introduced, Star Trek: Deep Space 9 (ST: DS9). Being the natural born skeptic that I am I had a hard time imagining how a show about a space station could fit the Star Trek mold, but they made it work and ST: DS9 was another favorite, not to be missed show. When ST: TNG went off the air two seasons later, I was disappointed. It was, and remains to be, my personal favorite incarnation of the Star Trek Universe. My disappointment that the show was ending, as All Good Things… must, was tempered only by the immediate announcement that there would be a ST: TNG movie coming out the following year.

Star Trek: Deep Space 9

Star Trek: Voyager

ST: TNG ended in May, 1994 and in January, 1995 the third, and to date, final “Next Generation” series, Star Trek: Voyager (ST: V) premiered. Again, I was skeptical. The ship was flung to the far side of the galaxy which means, none of the usual alien species would appear. The hoke potential was considerably higher as a result, however, it turned out to be really well done. This series debuted at a time in my life when things were really rough and I was very unhappy in my circumstances. ST: V provided me with just a little taste of what “normal” was like for me, a taste of my life before I moved to Dead Beat Dad’s house and before my fiancé cheated on, and then broke up with me. ST: DS9 ended in 1999 and then ST: V ended in May, 2001.

Star Trek: Enterprise

When I heard that there would be a new Star Trek series in September 2001, I was happy. As far as I was concerned (and still am) there should always be a Star Trek series in production. And then I heard that Enterprise (later known as Star Trek: Enterprise) (ST: E) was going to be a prequel. That it was going to take place before the time of ST: TOS and I was really disappointed. ST: TOS was created in the 1960s and the technology was far inferior to what we have today. I felt that taking us back in time was a bad idea. After we became accustomed to all the “modern technology” of that futuristic existence, how could they expect us to be interested in a show with switches and dials (instead of the touch screens of the TNG era) and how could they expect us to believe a “prehistoric” iteration of the show if it used the touch screen technology to which we were accustomed. But it was a Star Trek series and of course I watched it.

I found ST: E disappointing. They made some valiant attempts to keep the fans engaged. The set designs and the technology of the times were actually successful, in my mind, though not as interesting because they weren’t so advanced as the serieses (seri?) that took place a couple hundred years later. The show was fine for what it was, but it wasn’t a great Star Trek series. Eventually, there was another television show that I wanted to watch that was opposite ST: E and I chose the other show. (I wasn’t a proud owner of a TiVo or DVR yet.)

Enterprise ended in May, 2005 and for the first time in 18 years there would be no new Star Trek on television. That is a void which still has yet to be filled in my heart. Heroes makes an effort. It’s an excellent SciFi show (though it’s quality is waning) and they keep bringing in actors from the Star Trek Universe (although it’s been original series actors only until this weeks episode with Michael Dorn) but it is no substitute.

Recently I re-watched Enterprise on HD Net. I had the opportunity to watch the entire series from beginning to end and was surprised to find that I liked it quite a bit. I don’t know if I was just nostalgic for the good ole days of yore, of if the show really was that good and I just didn’t see it then, but I found the show very interesting and compelling and the two characters that once annoyed me, Hoshi and T’Pol, were now far more intriguing and appealing. Of course with my new found certainty in my sexuality, I wasn’t afraid to admit that Trip (Conner Trinneer) was pretty fine to look at, as well.

The death of Majel Barrett, to me, solidifies the end of an era. The Star Trek Universe has been slowly imploding ever since the 1991 death of creator Gene Roddenberry, when Rick Berman took over as head Trekker. Don’t get me wrong. I have loved the vast majority of the Star Trek Universe, but I have noticed on several occasions that Berman has not held true to Roddenberry’s concept.

It seems to me that Gene Roddenberry envisioned a show that would parallel the real world…the times we lived in, but with an optimistic, positive spin. The Original Series so closely represented our nation in the time of the cold war, while simultaneously offering hope of a brighter tomorrow. In my opinion, Star Trek was about hope, and faith, and peace. Captain Kirk was a very physical man and often came to fisticuffs with the alien species du jur, but he was never the aggressor. Violence was never the solution, it was the last resort. Before Star Trek: Generations was released in theaters there was much discussion of the different temperaments between Captain Kirk and Captain Piccard. Some speculation suggested there would be a physical altercation between the two men and whether Captain Piccard, he of the peaceful nature, could hold his own against, Captain Kirk. In the end I think we saw that when pushed, Captain Piccard can hold his own against a good number of people. But first and foremost these were both peaceful men.

Species 8472 from Star Trek: Voyager

Gene Roddenberry once stated that all the aliens in the Star Trek universe would be humanoid, bi-peds. Of course, this was at least in part due to technological constraints regarding special effects. In the 1960s it would have been much more difficult and much more costly, not to have the aliens played by actors in costumes and make-up and certainly in the 1990s and 2000s sufficient advancements had been made to make it possible for producers of the shows to use CGI technology to include other types of aliens besides humanoid bi-peds. Nonetheless, Gene Roddenberry, made the declaration that aliens in the Star Trek universe would always be bi-pedal, humanoids. So when, in ST: V they introduced “Species 8472”, I was bothered by the disregard for his preference. Fortunately, Species 8472 had very few appearances on this show and therefore didn’t impact the entire thing.

Star Trek: Enterprise, started out innocuously enough. It was “just another” Star Trek series and I enjoyed it for what it was, but many viewers lost interest fairly quickly, and by the end of the second season, there was talk of cancellation. I guess Paramount, who owns the Star Trek Franchise, and UPN, the now defunct network that aired it, wanted to give it one more shot. The final episode of the second season, starts with an alien probe dropping out of subspace in orbit of earth and firing on the planet cutting a swath from Florida to Venezuela and in the process killing seven million humans, among them the younger sister of Commander Charles (Trip) Tucker , Chief Engineer.

In that moment the entire series changed and grew dark. The ship and her crew were no longer on a mission of exploration and diplomacy. They were out to find the bastards who attacked earth and stop them before they returned.

Xindi, Aquatic Species, from Star Trek: Enterprise

Xindi, Insectoid Species, from Star Trek: Enterprise

The weapon that had fired on earth was but a test, and the next one, would destroy the planet. The race responsible for the attack was called the Xindi (pronounced ZEN-dee) and they were made up of five species. Three of those species were traditional, bi-pedal, humanoids. Two of them were not. The Aquatics and the Insectoids were CGI and made semi-regular appearances on the show. For me, this detracted greatly as it seemed a blatant slap in the face of Gene Roddenberry’s original intent.

Star Trek: Enterprise also had very little to offer in the way of positivity and optimism. Captain Archer became dark and volatile after the attack on Earth (not that I don’t think that a reasonable response.) As I’m writing this I’m realizing that the story then more closely paralleled our times with the attacks of September 11, 2001, and our desire to see the attackers brought to justice, but where the original series paralleled something that was an on-going (I imagine, though I’m too young to know) threat with no real result, September 11th was a very real attack, with real destruction and real death, and in my opinion, it was very uncomfortable to watch this sort of parallelism.

With the exception of the occasional nod in the TNG films, the other TNG series, DS9 and Voyager, were not deemed film worthy. Yes, The Doctor from ST: V makes an appearance in Star Trek: First Contact, and a post-Voyager “Admiral” Janeway, gives Captain Piccard his marching orders in Star Trek: Nemesis, but beyond that those other series might well have never existed as far as the Star Trek Film culture is concerned.

The presumed final Next Generation feature film, Star Trek: Nemesis came out in December, 2002 and while this film included, what appeared to be a lot of finality: Will and Deana finally got married; Will finally accepted a promotion and his own command, leaving the USS Enterprise; and of course the sacrificial death of Lt. Commander Data, we are left slightly hopeful by the idea that Data’s predecessor, the “cleverly” named B-4, shows signs of being able to learn and make use of Data’s downloaded memory engrams.

Six years later, I’m less hopeful of an additional installment.

Cast of the new Star Trek Movie, due out May, 2009

There is another Star Trek movie on the horizon, and while it doesn’t go back as far in history as Star Trek: Enterprise did, it is still what you’d call a prequel and I’m not really sure why we’re doing it. This movie will be about James Kirk and his crew in their younger, academy or possibly immediately post-academy days. I watched a trailer for it the other day and I must say that, as an incarnation of Star Trek, I’m not impressed. It’s dark and ominous and it doesn’t visually fit the Star Trek motif. And with the comparatively dismal performance of the last attempt at a prequel, I’m really not sure what we’re hoping for here. Are they expecting a resurgence of interest with the hopes of starting a whole new theatrical franchise or are they trying to squeeze one final drop of monetary blood out of a dying targ? If this film flops will this be the end of the Star Trek legacy? And if it doesn’t flop, then what?

It’s a Star Trek movie, and I will go see it, but a part of me can’t help wondering, shouldn’t we leave well enough alone? If it must eventually end, and it must eventually end, can’t we let it end with dignity? Do we have to squeeze and squeeze until we’ve gotten all the quality material out and then keep squeezing to get all the junk out too? Might we be better off leaving well enough alone?

Earlier this year, Star Trek: The Experience, an all Star Trek themed exhibit at the Las Vegas Hilton ended its nearly eleven year run, an event which made me very sad at it’s closing and, simultaneously happy that I got the opportunity to see it myself.

Star Trek: The Experience, Las Vegas Hilton

I was never particularly fond of Lwaxana Troi, and I don’t know anything of Majel Barrett besides her Star Trek work. As for the computer, she was just the voice and of course that’s easily explained away, if not merely replicated. And yet some how, I have been truly moved by this. I’m surprised by how sad this makes me, but it does.

With Gene Roddenberry’s death in 1991 the helm changed hands and things started changing. Today with the announcement of the death of Majel Barrett, I just feel like, on some level, Star Trek has died with her. Gene Roddenberry is gone. Scotty is dead. Dr. McCoy is dead. William Shatner doesn’t want to play anymore. Data is dead. Will and Deana have jumped ship, so to speak. Star Trek: The Experience is gone. And now, the voice of the computer is gone as well.

About a month ago I wrote about the Holiday season and how things will start to slow down, quiet down and become more serene around my office. I wrote that, among other things there would be a decrease in the number of cars in the parking garage in the mornings and in the number of phone calls we’d receive with complaints, etc., as more and more people started taking time off for travel or shopping or whatever.

I have been consistently surprised in the mornings to find that so far this has not happened, but today, as I came down the ramp to the level where I usually park I saw a number of open spaces and I thought to myself, “See this is what I was talking about.” And then it occurred to me, “Wait– It’s Friday. It’s December 19th. This should have been going on for weeks already.”

And that’s when it hit me. This is my tangible proof of the recession in progress. In years past, people have taken more time off at this time of year. I presume they’ve gone shopping, they’ve gone out of town to visit family, or they’ve taken time off to spend with family visiting them from out of town.

It’s not that taking the time off work costs any money and can’t be afforded, we all have Paid Time Off, but what they were doing with that time does cost money. I imagine they’re shopping less, spending less money on Christmas gifts. Spending less (or no money) on travel and therefore have no reason to take the time off. Only now, that Christmas is upon us, and it’s the Friday before the mid-week holidays people are beginning to take the time.

I’m afraid I have no enlightening commentary or words of wisdom to share. It’s really just an observation. The only thing I can figure is that this is my proof that the recession is happening… Not that I needed much proof to begin with.

Four years ago, Green M&M and I went to Los Angeles to spend New Years. The trip was a lot of fun… Well up until the end when we were in a serious car accident on the way home from the airport after the trip, but that’s another story.

As I said, most of the trip was actually pretty good. We took in a lot of sites and had a lot of good meals. On one of those occasions we went to The Beverly Center to have a meal and do a little shopping, or so we thought. There is a restaurant of sorts in the center court of the shopping center where Green M&M and I went for lunch. It was the only time in my life that I felt, without any one saying or doing anything to me, like I was not supposed to be there. Every one, and I do mean EVERYONE in Beverly Hills is rich, beautiful, and thin. Green and I both felt fatter than usual (we’re both over-weight) and tragically unhip. I was surprised and disappointed that The Beverly Center and all the people in it truly lived up to the hype of Beverly Hills.

So you can imagine how not surprised I was to see this yesterday:

Hunky Santa at the mall is sooooo L.A.

Instead of a bowl full of jelly, shoppers drink in St. Nick’s six-pack abs

By Laura T. Coffey

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why: Santa Claus has abs of steel.

Or at least this one does.

Image: Hunky Santa Hunky Santa — played by Eli Wilhide, a 6-foot-1, 185-pound 31-year-old who has appeared on “CSI: Miami” — is wowing crowds at a Los Angeles mall this year.

Leave it to Los Angeles to concoct a wild plot twist involving the role of the traditional mall Santa. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings throughout the holiday season, Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane Girls dance and delight throngs of shoppers at the Beverly Center mall. (The standard jolly and rotund Kris Kringle appears at the mall during the week and midday on weekends.)

A big bonus for the big kids who flock to see Hunky Santa: Hopping onto Hunky’s lap and telling him what they want for Christmas.

The advice doesn’t stop there, though. Hunky Santa — played by Eli Wilhide, a 6-foot-1, 185-pound 31-year-old who has appeared on “CSI: Miami” — takes the time to dispense tips on nutrition and exercise, share gift ideas for guys who don’t know what to get their girlfriends or wives, and give all-around guidance about how to stay upbeat and healthy over the hectic holiday season.

“If I can make somebody feel better about what they put in their body and help them live longer and have more energy, that’s great,” Hunky told the Los Angeles Times.

Those biceps are no accidentHunky also told the Times that he religiously exercises every morning — “I like a fresh, healthy glow before work” — and he shed some light on the kind of diet it takes to maintain a physique like that:

“Right after I work out, I try to have something right away, usually a protein shake with whey protein, and a piece of fruit. I try to eat every two to three hours, and my staple meal is chicken and broccoli. When I know I have to go somewhere, I’ll put some oatmeal with protein powder and berries in a container with an ice pack and snack on that. Basically, I try to eat a lean meat source and vegetables and brown rice — six small meals a day.”

So where did the mall find this guy? The process wasn’t easy. The Beverly Center has been featuring a Hunky Santa for several years now, but this year mall officials conducted what they described as “an exhaustive two-month search” for the perfect specimen. After analyzing the credentials and muscle mass of more than 350 applicants, they knew they had found their man in Wilhide.

‘Illegally gorgeous’A kinesiology and nutrition major at the University of Maryland, Wilhide worked as a motivational speaker alongside inspirational life coach Tony Robbins for more than three years. These days he’s pursuing a career in acting. In addition to “CSI: Miami,” Wilhide has appeared on Disney’s “The Suite Life on Deck.” He told the Times that he recently read a script for “Days of Our Lives.”

While he waits to hit it big in the acting world, Wilhide is getting lots of love from lots of fans in his role as Hunky Santa. He wears red velvet pants, black shiny boots, a red velvet hat and a fur-trimmed coat that’s open and sleeveless. What better way to flaunt those muscles?

He’s “gorgeous,” said one woman who recently posed for a photo on his lap. “Illegally gorgeous.”

So on this fateful trip to Los Angeles, we stayed at the Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown LA. This hotel has appeared in numerous movies, most notable in my mind being Nick of Time. Now you’d think that a hotel that is so commonly shown in movies would be a pretty great place to stay. Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. First of all the hotel charges guests for parking, and they charge a lot, which since it’s located in downtown LA is a racket. You have to rent a car if you intend to get around at all. Secondly the hotel doesn’t look like it’s been renovated in twenty years. All the fixtures and appointments in the main lobby look like they were original to the construction of the building.

One of the trade marks of a Bonaventure hotel is the glass elevators that run on the outside of the building. I’m sure this makes a lot of people happy and they enjoy the views of the surrounding area (though in downtown Los Angeles there’s not much to look at besides the buildings next to it) I on the other hand do not love the glass elevators. Nor do I like the looks I get from the people when the elevator stops on a floor and they’re trying to get through the amply sized doors, while I’m standing next to the doors. I don’t know what I thought it was going to benefit me to be right next to the doors if the elevator plummeted off the side of the building, but I felt safer there and in my mind anyway, the floor felt a little thicker and more stable under my feet there by the door, as opposed to be the windows. I didn’t really care about the looks I was getting, I was NOT going to move!

We checked into the hotel on December 29th and got a room only a few floors down from the top. As we went to our elevator bank we noticed that one of the elevators was out of service. There are three per tower. We got up to our floor and found our room. Boy was that a surprise. The rooms you see in the movies are, of course, usually suites, but you think you get an idea of the hotels based on what you see. In this case I was grossly mistaken. The room was smaller than small. The beds were tiny, they were “full” beds but they were shorter than usual to fit in the room. I’m 6’1″ and when I laid out flat on the bed my legs were halfway to my knees sticking off the foot of the bed.

On New Year’s Eve when we were heading out to dinner, we had to wait for what seemed an eternity in the elevator lobby waiting for the elevator to come and get us. When it finally did, it was crammed full. I did NOT want to get in this fully loaded glass elevator but we’d been waiting for a very long time so I figured I’d take my chances. If it was my time to die, it was my time to die. As the elevator was going down, more and more people got on board. Finally, it stopped on the 10th floor and as the doors were closing after more people packed on, the elevator dropped a few feet without warning. Fortunately, that was the last time it stopped until we reached the ground floor and I could not get off that elevator fast enough, let alone find a bar fast enough. After I got up from the floor where I was kissing the ground, I noticed that the other two elevators had out of order signs on them. And, you know, what better time to have two elevators out of service than on New Year’s Eve?

This year we’re going to Las Vegas and we plan to have a excellent time!

Long before I came out officially, to myself, let alone anyone else, I managed to get myself on several gay oriented mailing lists. I don’t honestly remember now how that happened. Once you get on one, it’s not difficult to get on many others, I just don’t remember how the first one came about.

Shortly, after it all started, I was receiving Adam Male catalogs, promotional offers for such magazines as, Men Magazine and Freshmen Magazine, and a myriad of “publications” offering “cheap prices” on porn videos. I was, at the time, a bizarre combination of disgusted and intrigued by these mailings. You know how that works, right? That’s where you sit down (naked usually) looking through the stuff thoroughly (and jerking off) while thinking “I can’t believe they’re sending this crap to me!”

What really concerned me was that every time I moved and those things were addressed to [My Name] or Current Resident, they didn’t get forwarded and the next person who moved in there would receive these pieces of mail and might think that I was gay! Imagine the horror!

One of the catalogs that I received that always stood out to me was the TLA Video catalog. I was always a little bit more fascinated with this one, with the combination of pornographic and non-pornographic items they offered. I would submit that TLA Video could do a better job with these catalogs in that I never realized how “mainstream” some of their offerings were, from the descriptions they had. Until this week-end, that is.

There is a show on Logo that I have, in spite of myself, become completely addicted to called Rick and Steve, The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World. It is one of those shows that is just so wrong that it’s so right and if you haven’t seen it (and you’re not easily offended) you should totally check it out. You can thank me later.

Anyway, Logo is one of those networks that notoriously doesn’t stick to a concise schedule. By that I mean, that Rick and Steve, may be scheduled to start at, say, 7:00. The DVR kicks on at 7:00 to record it and it’ll catch the last 90 seconds of whatever was on before it (usually, The Click List: The Best in Short Film). A couple times now, I’ve caught the tail end of a tale and my response is usually, “Huh?!?!?” so I recently decided that I was going to try and catch some of these broadcasts in an attempt to expand my horizons and avoid the “Huh?!?!?” factor. Since “The Click List” is more of a filler than a regularly scheduled program I went into the guide to scroll through and find when it airs to set the recordings and along the way I found a number of other gay movies that I wanted to catch.

It’s too late to make the long story short but what I’m getting at is this. Along the way, I found “Latter Days“. I read the description of the movie and thought it sounded interesting and then it occurred to me that I remembered seeing this movie in the TLA Video catalogue, with about a 15 word description that A) didn’t do it justice and 2) didn’t sell me on it. I wish it had.

I watched this movie on Saturday, and let me tell you, this movie really moved me, in a way I didn’t think it would be possible for it to do. This is the story of a young Mormon missionary – “Elder” Aaron Davis, sent to Los Angeles for two years of “training” in which he is expected to adhere to a whole list of “not allowed tos”, like drink alcohol, listen to music, use his first name, talk to his family, be alone. And he certainly isn’t permitted to enter into a homosexual relationship.

When Aaron and his three roommates move into their apartment they meet Christian, a young gay man who, despite his appearance in the movie poster quite frequently looks, acts and sounds like Ryan Reynolds (HOT!!!) in this flick. Christian is a hot, young, shallow, sex-crazed, gay man who works as a waiter when he’s not on a conquest. This is established in the first few minutes of the movie in, what is actually a very funny scene where “Chris” seduces a straight man who has arrived to pick up a blind date.

“But I’m straight” he protests to which Chris replies that “it’s always that much hotter when they say that.” He tells the man that he could suck the engine block of an (insert impressive car knowledge I do not have here) through the tail pipe, “That’s right! I’m gay and I know cars.” Cut to the men sitting on the floor of the living room after the dead is done when the suitor asks, “Don’t you worry that Elizabeth will walk in on you?”

After the Mormons move in, Chris makes a bet with his friends in the restaurant where he works, that he can seduce one of them. This is not an original concept by any means but it provides the groundwork for further interaction.

We find out that Aaron is gay but that he is fighting his impulses because, of course, he’s been raise to believe that it’s a sin and he would be excommunicated. You would think that this movie would be formulaic, “boy meets boy”, “boy makes bet he can seduce other boy”, “boy makes other boy fall in love with him only to find out about the bet”, “boy convinces other boy that his feelings are real and he doesn’t care about the bet.” What is original about this film is that it doesn’t follow the formula. You’d think the story would draw to a conclusion with the seduction but in fact the story is jut getting started.

When Aaron is caught, by his roommates, kissing Christian in a moment of weakness, he is sent back to his family where he will be excommunicated. When Chris comes to talk to Aaron and finds out he has already left he chases after Aaron, catching up to him at his lay over in Salt Lake City.

The airport is then closed due to severe weather and the boys must spend the night in an air port hotel waiting for flights to resume. It is here that they make love for the first time and really, truly connect with one another, but in the morning when Chris awakes, Aaron is gone. He’s gone home to his family to face is consequences. Aaron’s family, depicted as very close and loving in the beginning of the movie now is cold and stand-offish. They barely talk to him and will not look at him.

The scene in this movie that really felt familiar to me takes place in the Davis family home when Aaron is alone in the house with his mother. Suddenly, his father works long hours and won’t come home and face his son. Aaron is sitting at the table and picking at his food and his mother takes his plate away as she’s clearing the dishes. He hears a crash and walks into the kitchen to find his mother cleaning up a broken plate and the food that was on it. She’s on her hands and knees as he stands in the doorway.

“Mom” he says as she continues to pick up pieces of plate. “Mom…. Mom.”

“What?!?” she finally says, exasperated but without looking up. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he says as he lowers his head. “I was just wondering if you might be able to bring yourself to look at me.”

She finally looks at him but with anger and disappointment in her eyes. She asks him, “What did that boy do to you?” and proceeds to tell him, as she had recently found out, that the whole thing was over a bet, which Aaron refuses to believe. “Do you even understand what you’ve done?” She asks him.

“What if it’s not something I’ve done? What if it’s who I am?” he says a split second before she slaps him across the face.

“Don’t say that!” she screams. “Don’t you ever say that. God can’t forgive you. He can forgive you for what you’ve done, for making a mistake…. But who you are? He can never forgive you for that.”

I’ll ruin the entire movie if I tell anymore about it, and I highly recommend it to all two of my readers. Suffice it to say that what happens in the remaining minutes of the story is, in my opinion, very poignant, moving and encouraging to any young (or not so young) man, struggling with the contradiction between what he’s been taught in his religion and what he’s feeling within himself. At some point we each have to learn to go our own direction. We have to learn not to blindly accept what others tell us, but to learn what’s true for ourselves.

Having been raised in, what I’m now hearing referred to as, a fundamentalist household, it was very hard for me to come to terms with my sexuality. I was told, over and over again, my entire life that homosexuality is a sin. That homosexuals are going to hell. It was made abundantly clear to me from a very early age that it was not an acceptable way to live. And as a result, never once have I discussed with my family the possibility that I may have different feelings and desires, let alone what I now know to be a fact, that I am gay.

As I sat in my chair, and watched as Aaron said, “What if it’s who I am?” I felt that slap across the face as if I were the one standing in that kitchen. I felt the contempt, the lack of compassion, of understanding, the inability to “love the sinner”, as if my mother were standing in front of me telling me that it’s not ok to be who I am. That I must live the rest of my life denying how I feel so I can spend eternity in heaven and not in hell. And in the end, I felt Aaron’s strength and resolve as he decided for himself what is right and what is true and how he wants to live his life. And as he set out in the world and took his destiny in his own hands and found a life for himself it occurred to me, that I have to do the same.

Maybe it was Aaron’s strength when he went home to face his family and his church. Maybe it was his resignation when he finally gave in to his desires and made love with Christian. Maybe it was his determination when he left his family and his home for the last time to live his life on his own terms. Maybe it was entirely a coincidence. But when I turned off the TV after the movie was over, I sat and stared at the darkened screen lost in thought about what I had just seen.

And that’s when it occurred to me. For many years now, I have been “Wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’, planning and dreamin’.” Anything but doin’. And if there’s anything you can count on, it’s that wishing and hoping, thinking and dreaming will get you nowhere, and it will get you there real fast. Only doing, only taking action will get you what and where you want in this world.

And so from that moment I have made up my mind to take action. Some actions are smaller than others. Some are as simple as getting up and cleaning up the house instead of sitting in front of the TV wishing the house was clean. Some actions are larger. I’m making a plan. Making a concerted effort to take control of my life and get my finances in order. I know it will take time, but I’m going to do it. No longer can I allow myself to throw my money away on wishes (“I wish I had…”) I’m going to plan and be more frugal and pay off my debts and make the best use of the money I have. I’m going to stop being afraid to lack, to go without something for a time. And when I get my finances in order, I’m going to start pursuing more interests. I’m going to take classes in the things than interest me. I’m going to join a gym (and actually use it.)

I’m going to make my life mine and I’m going to live it for me and no one else. No longer will I make my decisions based on what I think someone else wants to see, or how someone else wants me to act. People don’t have to like everything they see, they just have to respect me the way I am.

And on that note, I’ve got to close this down. I’m still at work and I’ve got to get home. I have dishes to wash, and dinner to make (a salad I think), and push-ups and crunches to do.