For years--centuries actually--common and everyday statements like these have shown that most people think of communication as something one person does TO somebody else.

The dominant picture is of a truck hauling one person's ideas to where they can be dumped into another person's head, like a load of potatoes. When we think this way,

we believe that a communication problem is one person's fault, so we blame them for screwing up

we think that we can improve our own communicating by crafting better messages that

have more data to support them

use more examples

are expressed in more effective words

are broadcast louder or to more people

we downplay the crucial importance of effective listening

And we don't focus on what's going on between us.

New research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) shows how communicating is a thoroughly co-laborative process. We do it Together; it always involves U&ME; it's like a verbal and nonverbal Bridge.

This research underscores how important it is to maintain direct eye contact with even pre-language infants. They notice when you're looking at them, and although you may not be aware of it, their eye contact affects what's going on in your brain, too! You're both affecting each other's brain activities.

The better the observer's empathic accuracy, the more the two sets of brain activity are coupled, and the more effective the pain alleviation.

This research tells us that when we're trying to comfort someone who's in pain, it helps to hold their hand while empathizing with them. Touch is another kind of nonverbal communicating that increases the extent that our brains are synchronized.

The real-world payoff of these studies is to provide scientific evidence to support the claim that communicating is a mutual process, NOT something one person does "to" another.

We're reminded that listening and empathizing are as important as speaking clearly and using examples.

We're reminded of the importance, all the time, of nonverbal activities like eye contact, facial expression, touch, and tone of voice.

When there's a problem in our communicating, we look at what's gone on BETWEEN us, not just at one person's actions or inactions.