Chris Brown has a new, naturally ridiculous interview in The Guardian where he reveals he lost his virginity when he was only 8-years-old and reminds everyone he’s learned absolutely jackshit from almost murdering Rihanna with his fist. The whole thing is definitely worth a read because here’s the writer trying to explain what the hell she just sat through:

A lot of the time, his answers bear little, if any, relation to my questions. Or perhaps he’s decided on two central points he wants to make, and figures everything else is irrelevant. The first point he makes several times is that his new album will appeal to everyone; the second is that he is a changed man who’s grown up and calmed down. Unfortunately he’s at his least coherent when discussing the former, and at his most contradictory on the latter. By the time I leave, all I can say with certainty is that Brown is a stranger to the concepts of modesty and consistency.

Unfortunately, the interview doesn’t end with her driving a pen through his Rihanna neck tattoo, but women’s worst enemy has always been other women. Anyway, here’s a horseshit sample platter:

On how Chris Brown would describe himself to a visitor from Mars:“Well, I would say I’m an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I’m a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.” Were it not for what he refers to as “the incident with Rihanna”, he would now be “bigger than life. Yeah.”

On being raped by a teenage girl and trying to pretend it made him a beast in the sack:He lost his virginity when he was eight years old, to a local girl who was 14 or 15. Seriously? “Yeah, really. Uh-huh.” He grins and chuckles. “It’s different in the country.” Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. “By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.” (Now 24, he doesn’t want to say how many women he’s slept with: “But you know how Prince had a lot of girls back in the day? Prince was, like, the guy. I’m just that, today. But most women won’t have any complaints if they’ve been with me. They can’t really complain. It’s all good.”)

On the legal system picking on him ’cause he’s black:“Community service, that shit is a bitch. I’ll be honest – and you can quote me on that – that is a motherfucker there. For me, I think it’s more of a power trip for the DA. I can speak freely now, because I don’t really care what they say about it, but as far as, like, the 1,000 extra hours they gave me, that’s totally fricking bananas.”
Did it seem vindictive to him? “Oh, absolutely. They want me to be the example. Young black kids don’t have the fairer chances. You can see Lindsay Lohan in and out of court every day, you see Charlie Sheen, whoever else, do what they want to do. There hasn’t been any incident that I started since I got on probation, even with the Frank Ocean fight, the Drake situation, all those were defence modes. People think I just walk around as the aggressor, this mad black guy, this angry, young, troubled kid, but I’m not. I’m more and more laid-back. It’s just that people know if they push a button, it’ll make more news than their music. Attaching themselves to me, good or bad, will benefit them.”

On how his court-ordered anger management classes made him hate women even more:“I think the actual class I went to was a little bit sexist.” What does he mean? “It was beneficial because it made me cater more to a woman’s thoughts and a woman’s needs, and how to handle situations. But the class itself, no disrespect to the class, but the class itself only tells you you’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong.” I ask him to elaborate, but he seems to check himself. “Well, I don’t want to get too far into that.”

Which probably explains this exchange when asked if he even considered people might mistake the “random woman” tattooed on his neck as Rihanna’s battered face:“I really don’t care. A tattoo’s a tattoo; it’s my body, my skin.”
Suddenly he is sulky and petulant. “My favourite line is, ‘Fuck you.’ I like giving the world a big fuck you. Every tattoo I have is a big fuck you. So it’s just, like, this is just me, and I’m the guy who’s going to be just the same guy at all times.”
But he’s talked a lot about how much he has changed, so people are bound to be confused about why he’d therefore choose a tattoo of that nature. “No,” he says coldly. “I think you misinterpret what nature that is. You think the tattoo is Rihanna’s face, but it’s not.”
But did he anticipate that people would mistake it for her? “I’ve just cleared this up, this is not Rihanna’s face,” he repeats sharply. “I just got a tat. Like I say, a tat is on my body, so it’s personal. I liked how it looked, so I thought I’d get it done. It’s all good.”
I try once more – had he known what people would think, would he have got the tattoo done anyway? – and he snaps.
“No, I’m not going to walk around every day of my life depending on the opinions of other people. Because if I do that, I’ll just be trying to please everybody and that’s not what I’m here for.” He glowers. “Just make music. If they like it, they like it. If they don’t, fuck you.”

Comments

I’m going to just assume that Chris is talking about the time he had his photograph taken by Terry Richardson when he was 8. I’m assuming that because the alternative would be to read the article, and that’s just not gonna happen.

So he was raped by a burgeoning pedophile at age 8? That’s the only explanation I’m coming up with, because I don’t remember the girls in junior high saying, “Forget football players or the local 22-year-old dirtbags who have a car and are willing to buy me wine coloers–I wanna get down and dirty with a third grader!”

The irony in that is that the bodies of people who do DIAF end up contorted into what’s called a “pugilist stance” – i.e. arms and knees bent in a defensive pose, with raised hands clenched into fists.

He’s def a misogynist, but sometimes that’s too easy of a label for this guy. He’s definitely half-retarded. That being said, his point about being made an example of while others weren’t is absolutely true. The celebrities out there are basically made to glorify drug abuse with repercussion. If they die, they are revered. I’m not saying someone who treats women poorly isn’t as bad, because it is, but drug abuse is just as bad if not worse.

As emotionally destructive as drug abuse is to people who have to deal with you, at the end of the day it still only directly physically harms you – since the spike in your arm or the shit up your nose is self-inflicted damage, people can still manage to have compassion for how much pain you can be in to not be able to stop doing that to yourself, as long as you aren’t pregnant or running someone over while under the influence. However, “treating women poorly” is another matter – by which I assume must be your code for “beating your girlfriend’s face against your car dashboard until she has to go to the hospital”. Since you get to directly inflict the physical damage resulting from your poor impulse control onto others while not actually having to deal with stitches, ice packs, and corrective surgery yourself, it’s no surprise when people are not quite so forgiving when it comes to the “repercussion” of your little slip.

You might want to re-examine your priorities, because if he’s “half-retarded” and you still think he has a point, what does that say about your perception of things?

Seeing as how he faked his original community service records, which was all the actual punishment he got, just about anyone alive did more “time” than Brown did for battery. The 1,000 extra hours of community service he’s mewling about now were given to him because the DA claimed he was in Cancun when he was supposed to be picking up trash. To be fair, Brown thought “picking up trash” meant he was supposed to be actively looking for his next target, so doing it out of the country seemed a good plan to him at the time.

But since he was in violation since he falsified his doing the original sentence, and his parole was still reinstated at the end of the day, it makes that “they’re picking on me, everyone else gets off easy” self-entitled whine of his pretty fucking ridiculous.

When asked why he got a tattoo that looks like it could be mistaken for Rihanna’s battered face (which HE was responsible for), did he actually say, “I liked how it looked, so I thought I’d get it done.”? Out loud? Am I the only one who didn’t miss this quote?

Wow, this horrible misogynistic douche is the first blogger to recognize that children can’t consent to sex and that it is actually abuse (molestation) that Chris Brown experienced. Good for you, scumbag.