Avery's (8 reviews)

Scientist Douglas Avery does not believe that the recent zombie attacks necessarily mean the end of human life as we know it. He believes that the world can not only survive, but also continue to thrive. The man with the beakers insists that the answer is simply to create a product that will trigger the neurotransmitters (yeah they still have those working…weird I know) into thinking that they have just consumed human brains. Once that has happened they will become docile for a period of time, in a state of junked out bliss. You see way brains affect the walking corpses of the world is very similar to how a mixture of heroin and PCP affect humans. They need it, and they need it now, but once they get their fix they are content for hours.

Through his endless research Avery has created a compound that proves his claims. He calls it Zombie Brain Juice, or as it’s more commonly referred ZBJ. Originally he had intended to create an aerosol spray to administer the “medicine” to the zombies, but the effects just did not last as long as they needed to. Injections were clearly not an option because of the danger to those providing the shots. The solution was to leave cases of ZBJ littered around cities. For some reason the dead who still shuffle still love the idea of soda pop. I mean who doesn’t, but it’s still weird to see them twist off a cap. They can’t open doors, yet they remember how to open a bottle of soda. That’s muscle memory for you.

The idea of ZBJ has become such a hit that Avery Laboratories has even created a version that is safe for human consumption. It’s pretty much just a normal orange soda with a little bit of artificial strawberry flavoring in it to give it a little zazz. It’s all the rage with the kids, and it comes with one of the best images on a soda label that I have ever seen. Science it great and it has once again paved the way for our salvation.

The moth caterpillars may be the species on this planet that produces the most products in comparison to its size. Not only are these little guys gathered together to harvest the silk they spin out of their butts to make fancy dresses (yes your designer dress once came from a bug’s butt, charming isn’t it) and sheets that are far to slippery for anyone to get a good nights sleep, but they also produce a high quality product from the other side of their body. While these little fellas are busy popping out smooth fabric, they are also puking up a sweet carbonated substance.

Avery’s Soda has decided there was a market for the liquid that moth caterpillars vom all over themselves, and have created a soda using it as the base. It has a general cane sugar sweetened soda flavor to it, with some hints of kiwi and pineapple to it. It most certainly tastes like candied fruit, and for that fact little kids eat it up. I will advise that parents tell their children that it’s just a funny name for the soda, and not what it actually is: insect puke.

Billy, what did I tell you about yelling while I’m making crème brulee? Do you want me to burn down the…Goddamnit! Did the damn cat pee on the carpet?

Mom, it’s SODAsgusting!

I know Billy go get a rag and we’ll clean it up. What are you doing with that straw! Billy, get away from there! Don’t drink that! It’s disgusting and vile and you are no child of mine!

Mom, chill out it’s SODAsgusting!

You’re damn right it’s disgusting! I can’t believe the fruit of my loins would do so a despicable thing as drinking cat pee off of the carpet! With a straw no less! It’s like you are starring in the movie Pink Flamingoes! You’re grounded mister!

No mom, you’ve got it all wrong! It’s not cat pee it’s Kitty Piddle! It’s a flavor of the Avery’s Soda companies SODAsgusting line! See, here’s the bottle! The name is a joke because of the color of the pop. It’s actually pineapple and orange in flavor. It has that very specific Avery’s flavor. It’s a little on the cheap side flavor-wise actually. It doesn’t taste like the real fruits, just a knock off. It’s not terrible for a kid like me, but I bet you wouldn’t like it. I had a bottle on the coffee table and Mittens knocked it over on the carpet.

Well, that is a relief to say the least. You’re still grounded though for having a soda before your crème brulee. Now clean that up and get to your room!

Last year we had Avery’s bottle some private label birch beer and sarsaparilla for us. We made up some rad Thirsty Dudes labels and Mohawk Place, a rad local bar, sold them. Within a couple of days we were out of all of them. We wanted to order more, but the shipping cost was too high to make it cost effective. We’ve been searching for a closer bottler since. That’s not really important. What is important is that the sarsaparilla we got from them was decent, but nothing to write home about. It was actually fairly light in color, which was a bit odd. I realized we never ended up reviewing one of them for the site, so we ended up picking up a bottle of it at Soda Pop Central. Since we already knew what it tasted like we have been sitting on it for a while. Now the time has come and I have to say that this tastes way better than what they bottled for us. Maybe we got a bum batch or something, but this is very strong. It actually tastes more like a root beer than a sarsaparilla. Actually it tastes like a root beer while a whole mess of licorice in it. It’s dark and great. It’s a bummer that our batch wasn’t their best, but it’s good to know that this company can make a really nice soda. I wouldn’t pass it up if I saw it in the store, and neither should you. Now someone find us a place to inexpensively bottle some soda with a Thirsty Dude’s label.

Why don't more people make melon pop? Who doesn't like melon? It's so darn refreshing. I personally like cantaloupe more than honeydew, the flavor of this drink, but if either are available at a party, and I am there, you had better make your plate sooner than later because I am going to house that thing like I haven't eaten in days. When I was on a cruise over the Fall I probably ate ten pounds of fruit. I love it. Melon is great. I love it. The end.

This pop is probably the best melon pop I've ever had. It's sweet and right on the cusp of too sweet but it's not there so it's acceptable. It tastes remarkably like actual melon, not like candy melon, which, I will also append, there is not enough of. It was actually refreshing and that's not something that happens when I drink dranks. Yeah, dranks.

Is it named after a person?
Professor Korker worked tirelessly into the night and the day before his hundredth birthday, he came up with the perfect pop. Everyone said he was crazy but he did it anyway.

Is it a fruit?
Ecologists from all over the world went to all reaches of the earth to try and find a fruit that was only known to the Mayans. It was brought from the heavens to cure all disease and ailment and when their society crumbled due to the non-stop fighting about who was going to win the second American Idol, they took their secret, legend fruit with them.

Is it slang?
Hey, don't be such a shmuck and grab me that korker.

Is it a mediocre blend of what I think are lemon and lime?
Yep.

Unfortunately, this drink did not deliver any of the hopes and dreams I had for it. I wanted all of the above except for the last to be true, but from beginning to 2/3'rds of this bottle, I was let down. It didn't taste like your typical lemon and lime combo. It wasn't as sweet and it just wasn't as flavorful. It was a very fast and tame flavor. This is for people who just want a little bit of pop. It wasn't dry, it just was...safe. Sometimes safe isn't where you want to be.

This has a real sharp smell and it beckons your call, like a siren to the black abyss. I steer my mouth/ship towards the bottle/sharp rocks. Here's where I can no longer make similes between enchanted sea women and pop because this took a turn. If I may make one last Greek mythology reference, if I was a boat, I would have avoided the sirens call, not waiting for it like Bernard Sumner and friends wanted me to do, because this was one of the smoothest drinks I've ever had. It's a birch beer that goes down smooth like a cream soda. It's really strange.

It is not bad. Let it be known, but I wanted a gnarly bite, like I normally get with my birch beers. It's like those fireworks that you like but don't last long enough for you to be fully satisfied with. There is a quick giant explosion and then a quick disintegration. Sure, I could make a Cure reference, but that's too many English new wave bands in one review for even me.

That last statement isn't true. There are never enough obscure references in our reviews. If anything, there isn’t enough "review" in our reviews. Guess what, it's not going to change.

Avery. I once dated a girl that lived on Avery. She was nice. She was Italian, and for some reason, she felt like she had some link to the mob. I don't know if it was true, but it certainly never sat right with me. I just thought that she thought that since she was Italian, it was common knowledge. I hope someone comes to see me tomorrow to break my legs for saying that. I won't deny I said it, but I certainly will have a story to tell.

So this girl, Sarah, we didn't date that long, a few months. I was 16 or 17 at the time so I had no idea what a jerk I was going to turn into. Along came Christmas and I bought her a bracelet. Nothing big. I think I got it at a department store for like $20. It was nice, though, thoughtful, at least. I gave it to her and she broke up with me. Why? That's a fun one. She said that her dad got her mom the same bracelet and that she thinks that she meant too much to me so she broke up with me, right on her cousin's porch.

No I'm not regretting anything. I've done a lot of stuff since then and have had a handful of girlfriends, but what if I gave her this root beer?

"Hey, Sarah. I got you this root beer and wrapped it like you wouldn't know what it was. It's named after the street you live on so you can keep it like some cool souvenir if you want. If you don't want to keep it, I understand. Who wants a sticky old bottle? Plus, it's pretty good root beer. Just the right amount of sweetness and flavor to get you through even the hardest days."

Do you think if I gave her that over ten years ago that we'd be together? Probably not, I suck. Seriously. I can't believe I've been in long-term relationships at all. You know what I can believe? I can believe that this root beer is pretty good and I would choose it over a "regular" root beer any day. Barq's? Mug? Supermarket brand? Nope. Avery's? Yep. Just poppin' my "P"'s.