Fangs and an unquenchable thirst for human blood are no impediment to judiciary advancement

May 14, 2010

So President Obama nominates Solicitor General Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court, and a bunch of talking heads start wondering out loud if she’s a lesbian because apparently no unmarried, childless woman with short hair and a successful career who enjoys softball could possibly be a heterosexual. And the White House people are all like “No, she’s not gay, shut up.” And the talking heads are like “What, we were just asking. Why you getting all bitchy about it?” And I have a few more drinks and lament the ease in which discussion about important issues by our pundit class can so effortlessly and accurately be broken down into the vapid dialogue of high school teen drama.

“Actually I’m disappointed she’s not a lesbian,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I’d like to see a openly gay Supreme Court justice of any gender actually.”

“Will there be a gay Supreme Court justice before an atheist Justice?” I ask.

“That’s a hard one,” says Tina the Lesbian, pondering. “I almost want to say atheists in America are more hated than gays, but at least they let you guys get married if you want.”

“I’m going to say there will be a gay justice first, but it won’t be on purpose,” I say. “Like it won’t come out that he or she is gay until long after they’ve been appointed.”

“It’s how gay Republicans get elected,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Gotta keep it on the down low.”

“So what do you think of the Kagan nomination?” I say.

“Eh,” says Tina. “Doesn’t excite me, but it doesn’t disappoint me either. I would have rather Obama nominated a gay atheist vampire to the bench, but that’s just because I wanted to see as an experiment which part the talking heads would focus on: the gay part, the atheist part, or the unholy demon of the night who drinks people’s blood part.”

“Probably the gay part,” I say. “Though there’d be some interesting discussions on whether being an atheist vampire makes you immune to holy water and crosses. But FOX News would probably split it up between their hosts. Glenn Beck would get the atheist part, Bill O’Reilly would take the gay part, and Sean Hannity would take the vampire part. But all three would all agree that the gay atheist vampire is also a dangerous radical leftist commie who hates America and wants to take your guns away.”

“What if the gay atheist vampire was against gun control?” says Tina. “Vampires don’t care if you have guns, they’re immune to them.”

“You could make Count Gaythiest pro-life and it still wouldn’t matter,” I say. “Gay trumps pro-gun.”

“So will we put a vampire on the Supreme Court before we put a gay or atheist on it?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Who’s to say we haven’t had a vampire on the bench already?” I say. “Ever seen Justice Scalia in the daylight?”