Read this, Todd Bowles

I'm not sure Todd Bowles knows what he's getting into with the Bears. Lucky thing I can help him.

You’re early, Todd Bowles. We didn’t expect to see you until Saturday. That’s when you were originally scheduled to interview for the Bears' head-coaching position.

No, that’s when some people had you accepting the job after Chris Ballard was named general manager by Friday. But it turns out, Ryan Pace got the job Thursday and was in the room.

Anyway, you might be scrambling today. I’m not sure you’ve had enough time to study the Bears and come away with answers. But then, forensic examiners would struggle to nail down the franchise’s cause of the death.

Lucky for you, Todd, I’m here to help you. I’m a pleaser, not a teaser, so here are some things you should know before your coaching interview Thursday:

First, before you enter Halas Hall, make sure you’ve been vaccinated against stupid.

Second, you’re supposed to win the Super Bowl immediately, or at least reach that game. No pressure in your first season of your first head-coaching job, huh?

That’s not the ranting of a meatball fan base, Todd, or an idiot columnist. No, that’s the conclusion of Ted Phillips, the team president who is as bad at football decisions as his supposedly Super Bowl defense is at football.

Phillips said there are numerous examples of teams that go from a five-win season to the Super Bowl. There are not. For the record, only three teams have gone from five wins or fewer to the Super Bowl the next season -- the 1988 Bengals, 1999 Rams and 2001 Patriots. That’s it. Period. Three.

Straighten out Phillips on that lunacy, Todd, and then thank Scott Lindholm -- “Scott from Davenport’’ for you WSCR-AM (670) listeners -- for the research.

Something else you should know about Phillips, Todd: He says a lot of screwy things. One time, after yet another failed season, Phillips staged a news conference to say he demanded change but wanted to maintain continuity. Feel free to laugh, Todd. We still are.

This year, after Phillips and chairman George McCaskey fired general manager Phil Emery and coach Marc Trestman, Phillips said he didn’t think anybody wanted him to scout the team’s roster, but yet, he said that roster can compete for a Super Bowl next season.

Wait, which is it? You know the roster is good enough or you don’t know it at all. Pick a lane, pal.

See what you’re getting into, Todd?

Something else you should know, Todd: Your future defense has no safeties. The Bears draft safeties every year. Just never the right ones.

You will have linebackers who like to overrun a lot of plays, or in Shea McClellin’s case, get run over on a lot of plays.

Your starting defensive tackles are I Don’t Know and You Got Me. Is it any wonder the Bears gave up back-to-back fiftyburgers to the Patriots and Packers this season -- even with a week off before the Packers game?

Let’s run over the offense, Todd, much the way every good defense did this season.

Your prospective quarterback isn't a team leader and finished the season tied for the league lead in interceptions. Jay Cutler never has shined in a big moment. It’s not so much that he’s uncoachable, but more that he hasn’t learned how to learn what to do in critical moments. But yet, he always has the ball in critical moments. Maybe hike it to Matt Forte?

Your big-mouth receiver is more talk than playoff appearances. Brandon Marshall wants to be a leader, but he’s just loud and annoying, and how can you lead when you’ve never reached the postseason? You don’t want players who would follow this guy, and if he’s still here next season, Todd, you can’t be afraid of him the way the last coach was.

Your offensive line suckered everybody by staying healthy in 2013, then plummeted to its likely truth in 2014. There are some good parts to work with, starting with Kyle Long, but not enough, and that’s where your rebuilding has to start.

And it is a rebuilding job, Todd. Don’t kid yourself, and don’t let Phillips and McCaskey lie to you. In fact, tell them they dumped unnecessary pressure on people they should be trying to help succeed.

Tell them to shut up about the Super Bowl next season and shut up about the franchise’s rich tradition when the franchise has won one Super Bowl in almost 50 years.

Tell them it’s hard enough to wrangle a bad roster below you without adding a dose of stupid above you in the front office. Tell them to let you do your job.