By Kiefer Sutherland

This just in … THOMAS FRIEDMAN IS VOTING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF 9/12. Well that’s great to hear, but newsflash, you world-is-flat bastard, there are at least forty terrorists in the world, and some of us are still trying to find them so you can make cell phone calls in peace.

I still can’t get uninterrupted cellphone service between my home in Bethesda and my office in D.C. But I recently bought a pocket cellphone at the Beijing airport and immediately called my wife in Bethesda — crystal clear.

This joker’s crying because he can’t call his main squeeze from D.C. to Bethesda, and it’s because everyone’s “so concerned with the terrorists.” Friedman, get your head out of your ass and start viewing the world in Black and White. The only gray I see is the evening sky, and that’s because I’m colorblind …

We lost a lot of good men out there in Kosovo, but little do they know, I lost something too. I lost the gift of color.