Empire. During the battle, spies from WWWF Ground

Zero managed to steal plans for the Ultimate Hype, a trilogy of

Star Wars-related matches capable of diverting enough fans

totals). Pursued by Lucasfilm's sinister agents, Poobah Golba

races home aboard his 1973 Dodge Dart, custodian of the secret

plans that can hype his website, and bring fame to the

Save the Grudge Foundation ...

... oh, and freedom to the galaxy, too ...

The Scenario

THE FOREST MOON OF ENDOR - 3:00 PM, Friday. It's mail day in Endor, and the Ewok village is visited by the local (non-disgruntled) postman to drop off the week's residual checks from their participation in Return of the Jedi. But today, the mailman drops off a package for the Ewoks as well...

"Wicket! Wicket!" yells Cindel in the curious Ewok patois as he runs through the tree ramps with the package in tow. "Wicket! A parcel for you... from Yoda!"

Wicket turns around in the chair he was using to sharpen his arrows and squints at the young Ewok. "That can't be... Yoda is dead." He takes the package from Cindel as Malni, the warrior Ewok, strolls into the room to see what all the commotion is about. "Open it!", yells Cindel. "Open it! Let's see what it is!"

Wicket's fingers pull apart the paper surrounding an enclosed box. An attached letter from the old Jedi master falls to the floor. The title of the paper reads: "Last Will and Testament of Yoda, Jedi Knight.". Wicket bends over to pick up the paper, and the lid of the box pops open. A tiny, adorable furry creature pops his head out of the box and begins to chatter in clicks.

"Hello, Ewok young one.", says Wicket, reading aloud the note from the deceased Jedi master. "Present for you I have. But careful always must you be. For rules follow always three there be. First to shine light never on mogwai directly for it to kill might. Rule of second, never to place in water there be. For you to understand..."

"Ah to hell with it.", curses Wicket, as he crumples up the paper and throws it over his shoulder. "I wish that old bastard would have learned how to write clearly. He picks up the mogwai, shoves the leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken in its hands and stuffs it in the nearest water cooler. "There, you stupid little prick, you got food and water. Just try not to blow anything up while I go get some new stripes on my fur..."

So, John, will the Gremlins spell the end of Endor or will the Ewoks eradicate the infestation like an entire legion of the emperor's finest troops?

Gremlins

vs.

Ewoks

The Commentary

JOHN: I know that people are lining up around the block to vote for the Star Wars-related characters in this Ground Zero matchup, and hence I've got my work cut out for me. Let me just say this to the Star Wars fans: I love the movie, you love the movie, but if you think for even a moment that the Ewoks will beat the Gremlins here, there is something drastically, fundamentally wrong with some of the choices you have made in your life.

The Ewoks were easily the worst thing about Jedi, which in itself was the ass of the Star Wars Trilogy. Do you remember when they first happened upon Leia et al? They were planning to eat the cool rebels, and worship C3P0! C3P0 the gay android! What kind of statement does that make? Moreover, the Ewoks animated series was designed to teach children good-for-nothing values like caring and sharing. (Gremlins, in contrast, schooled us in more important things, such as microwaving your opponents in combat, and high camp). Any true fans will save their votes for more deserving combatants from the SW universe, like Aunt Beru or Edward M. Steidele, (foley assistant for Empire).

But would the Ewoks have a chance in a fair fight? Maybe on Tatooine, where there is a dearth of abundant food and water the fight would be close, but on a forest moon this fight is as balanced as Boris Yeltsin's diet. The Gremlins will be diving into the streams and doing their asexual reproduction thing (and since they reproduce without any of the fun stuff, you know they're chock full of Rage), and chowing down on roots, berries, nuts and the smaller Ewoks to turn into the Evil Killing Beasts Within. And since they reproduce geometrically, there is no theoretical limit to the number of Gremlins that can be created. They're like coked-up superintelligent evil tribbles with opposable thumbs!

The way I see it, you can cast your vote for a bunch of Lucasfilm-enhanced Care Bears, or you can cast your vote for a tribe of evil killers that attacked Cory Feldman. Hell, my conscience is clear.

JOE: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Gremlins? Their entire race was
genocided by a couple of high school losers. The Ewoks, on the other hand,
managed to destroy the Empire that was ravaging the entire galaxy in ONE day
between breakfast and lunch. Oh, SURE, you COULD say that it was really
because of Darth Vader killing the Emperor and Lando Calrissian destroying
the Death Star, but you would be wrong. The only reason the empire got
killed was because of the little flesh-eating furballs of death known to the
rest of the world as the EWOKS!!!

You see, the Ewoks were only worshipping C3PO so that later on that
day, after a nice dinner consisting of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and a
quick gang rape of Princess Leia, they could all take him apart and use his
high-tech innards to finish building the Ultimate Ewok Death Machine, which
would have blown up the Death Star and allowed them to conquer the entire
universe.

Nobody realizes this, but Ewoks are actually really vicious
little bastards. Did you see "Return of the Jedi"? Within ten minutes of
the capture of Han and his little rebel gang the Ewoks charged in and kicked
the crap out of the Emperor's best troops! This is due to the ESP (Ewoks
Secretely Prepared) factor. As soon as the rebels were captured, the Ewoks
suddenly and mysteriously had all kinds of traps which they used to bash
AT-ST's and cave in the heads of stormtroopers with! The Ewoks must have
had foreknowledge of the capture and had already prepared for it. The only
answer is that the Ewoks have psychic powers.

So, you see, the Ewoks already know that the gremlin
attack is coming and have already laid out hidden log traps and coconut
bombs that will ultimately destroy the entire race of gremlins before dinner
time. Then, after dinner, they'll hunt down Gizmo and take turns having
their way with the little fuzzball.

JOHN:

(stunned silence)

You know, sometimes I worry about you Joe. But then I remember that New Mexico is about 2000 miles away, so there's maybe 150 million people who have much greater cause to worry about you than I do. So I'll let them fret about your increasing disconnection with reality and concern myself with dealing with your only-tangentially-related-to-the-match arguments.

Listen - the reason nobody realizes that Ewoks are vicious little bastards is because they AREN'T! So they beat up some stormtroopers - big deal! The Stormtroopers are the LA Clippers of space armies, but without the decent perimeter shooting. And this idea about the Ewok Death Machine? What is that going to be - a really big stick? Perhaps a giant arrow? The Ewoks are not a technological society, if you hadn't noticed. There's no way they could kill someone by (say) pushing them into a paper shredder a la Gremlins 2. On a similar note, setting up log and coconut traps draw more from Gilligan than MacGyver. (Earth to Gilligan: use the wood on the island to BUILD ANOTHER FRICKING BOAT!)

The gremlins, on the other hand, are much more versatile and dangerous. They are more numerous. They come in a wide variety of Gremlin flavours (standard, radiated strong dude, radiated superintelligent dude, radiated superintelligent strong dude, etc.) They have the Evil Laugh. And, by the way, nobody out there better give me that "it only counts if they eat after midnight" rule - it's always after the previous midnight, so no matter when they eat, they'll turn into the evil gremlins (this is a simple corollary of Slash's "it's five o'clock somewhere" theorem). It is abundantly clear that in this matchup, that the Gremlins are going to put Gremlin feet-sized holes in some Ewok asses.

One last thing - at the end of G2, Gizmo had dressed up all Rambo-like and dusted off a whole crop of Gremlins with automatic fire. It is in fact he, Joe, who will be gettin' jiggy with this "bunch of muppets", as so eloquently described by Dante Hicks.

JOE: First of all, it wasn't just a few stormtroopers, it was an
ENTIRE LEGION of the emperor's finest troops. Secondly, I can't believe
you are going to sit there and tell me that the Gremlin's should win this
fight because of how cool it was when they died in Gremlins 2! Ok,
so the Ewoks don't have any nuclear weapons laying around, but that certainly
doesn't mean an arrow straight to the heart of one of those little Ghoulies
wanna-be's isn't gonna kill it.

I don't remember any radiated Gremlins. I'm pretty sure they only
came in three varieties: Mogwai, Guy with Spiked Hair, and Peon-who-gets
killed in a really cheesy way. Also, the Only-eating-after-midnight thing
IS in effect because when the sun rises the next morning, its all over until
the next midnight. This is kind of a moot point anyhow because this battle
is not going to even last until the next midnight. The Ewoks will have
easily taken care of their little infestation and be having a Gremlin BBQ
before they even have to worry about that little scenario.

John, you are missing the fact that the Ewoks are devious, flesh-
eating monsters. Do you think it was just a fluke that Mr. Jedi Knight
Luke "I can feel the presence of any shoplifter in the galaxy" Skywalker
managed to be captured by a net trap? No, way - the Ewoks are simply that
intelligent. They knew Chewie would come along with Luke and have a hungry
stomach, so they set the meat out for him. They were just about to have a
Jedi Sandwich when they realized that maybe letting Luke go would be a good
way to distract Darth Vader so they could get rid of that pesky Emperor that
had been hanging around their nice little forest moon. They fought hard to
rid their home of one infestation and they are gonna do it again. Remember
that there is nothing more fearsome than an enemy who is just trying to
protect his homeland.

Let's face it: The Gremlins are like U.S. soldiers walking around
in the Viet Cong Jungles of Endor.

Thanks to the large number of people who suggested this match.We would especially like to thank those that recommended it from the Orphans List.

Thanks also to Mosselaar's Homepage for inspiring the Star Wars "crawl" formattingand for providing the Star Wars scripts where we could find the original "crawl" text.

Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE 

I voted for the Gremlins simply because they make more menacing
noises. The Ewoks just go "guantu! sunzub! whepa whepa! nub nub!" They
sound like a bunch of drunken college kids on Cinco de Mayo trying to
speak spanish. The Gremlins have Evil Laugh (tm). Much more
intimidating. Plus they schooled Corey Feldman, who we all know was so
hopped up on PCP in the 80's he could've taken out the empire on his
own anyways. And did you see how scared that one fuzzy midget was when
he found Princess Leia in the forest? What'd he do, poke her with a
stick, run away, eat her food? I think the Gremlins would've just
started right in with the gang rape without getting buddy buddy about
it first.

- Matthew O. Threat

ROTW  Silver Medal Grudgie 

Gremlins are mean. Gremlins are ferocious. Gremlins reproduce faster
than a redneck trailer park, but the Ewoks will win. Because of their
cuteness.

Gremlins have a bad track record in life or death matches, and the
victor was always someone cute, with a bit of chutzpah and technical
know how. If a bunch of lowly teenagers can whip those mean Gremlins,
then the Ewoks, with their diabetes-inducing cuteness and
pseudo-technology would surely pile drive those mutants back to the
Gremlin equivalent of the Stone Age.

The biggest enemy that the Gremlins face, however, is the Gremlins
themselves. When they've got sufficient party supplies, these guys
will plunge themselves into a Bacchanalian rut faster than Ted Kennedy
in his prime, or for that matter, Boris Yeltsin right now. And when
they're sloshed to the gills on Endorian mead, they're sitting ducks
for any Ewok armed with a wooden microwave or a stone cuisinart.

- Mark Milan

ROTW  Bronze Medal Grudgie 

This was a tough one to vote for, since at different points I've been
heavily into both. So I decided to check out the statistics: the
Gremlins were mean, and portrayed by puppets. The Ewoks had force
potential, and were played by dwarves. So, basically, this boils down
to sadistic, leathery puppets vs. psychic midgets in teddy bear
costumes.

Point #1: Midgets die, puppets don't.

Then, going with the midget/puppet relation, I thought about Divine
Intervention(TM). This could come down to the respective groups'
patron saints: Jim Henson vs. Billy Barty. First off, Henson was a
true genius, while Barty is a constantly exploited vaudeville star.
Second, Henson was about three times Barty's size. But forgetting
this, Henson has the powers of the afterlife, while Barty is still a
small, small man.

Point #2: Jim Henson could kick Billy Barty's butt.

I then contemplated the Brains vs. Brawn factor. The Gremlins have on
their side a mutated genius. The Ewoks... "Grr! Yub-yub! Aye
chihuahua!" The Gremlins are manipulative little backstabbers. The
Ewoks... "Celebrate the love! Yub! Yub!"

Point #3: The Ewoks, cute as they are, are mentally inferior.

So, looking over, I decided that the Gremlins will win. I still had to
give the Ewoks a vote, too, because they're just so cute, dammit!

Weapons
Ewoks- Armed with long bows, enough booby traps to protect Fort Knox
ten times over, and a buttload of pointy sticks.
Gremlins- Armed with readily avaliable pointy implements, and stuff
of a higher technology than the Ewoks have.

I think we know the Ewoks are gonna more than make up for "Ewoks: The
Battle for Endor" by clobbering the Gremlins and shipping Gizmo to
Tatooine.

- Andy the Anarchist

Hmmm...essentially what we've got here is an undetermined number of
bloodthirsty bipedal sharp-toothed lizards with bad attitudes versus
a bunch of fuzzy midgets in loincloths. Although the Star Wars
Universe (tm) has a very good track record with WWWF, I'm gonna have
to go with the Gremlins on this one. First of all, the Ewoks aren't
as brave as they appear. They didn't care that there were flying
machines and white-armored guys running around their back yard, but
when Goldenrod (tm) starts levitating they throw in the towel.
Gremlins, on the other hand, only fear the sun. If they stay deep
enough in the forest (where the Ewoks live anyway), they'll be fine.
Second, Ewoks are way too emotional. All the gremlins would have to
do is kill off two or three Ewoks, and the rest would be so busy
crying that they wouldn't notice the fact that they'd be the ones on
the stick over the fire. As for the "psychic Ewok" theory, come on.
If they were so smart, they wouldn't have opened the package in the
first place and saved us from this ridiculous GrudgeMatch.

- Bjmmn

Every once in a while, we get a Good vs. Evil-type matchup, but that
is not the case here. I submit that both sides in this contest are,
in fact, evil, and therefore requires some non-standard analysis.

Don't believe me? OK, here goes. As any real Star Wars fan can tell
you, the original Ewoks were drawn by McQuarrie as having claws and
sharp teeth. They were mean suckers, and their subsequent thrashing
of the Stormtooper Legion, well, made more sense. They were twisted,
however, into their well-known teddy bear form by that most evil of
forces: Marketing Executives. Thus, the Ewoks became perverse, evil
things at the touch of a power so mighty that not even George Lucas
at the height of Star Wars mania could stay its hand.

Gremlins, too, were spawned of a similar evil. The first movie was
the beginning of Speilberg's "Half-assed violent, so as to retain box
office yet still cater to the family" obsession in movies, which
continues unabated to this day.

So, when evil faces evil, who wins? Well, pretty much any major
religion will tell you that True Evil will adopt many guises, adapt,
and endure. I don't think that is the Gremlins. Their most famous
champion is Tony Randall, and, well, the possibility of another
Gremilins sequel is even less likely than Ground Zero's posting a new
match on time (read: never).

The Ewoks, on the other hand, live on. In addition to that annoying
cartoon and even more annoying TV movie, the Ewoks have a true
champion: Warwick Davis. This guy went on to play the Leprechaun,
an incredibly evil character. Did you see any of those movies (go
on, admit that you did; the popular excuse is that Jennifer Aniston
was in the first one)? The guy is one magical Can of Whoopass (TM)!
And, if rumor is to be believed, he recently lost the part of Frodo
in the Lord of the Rings movies. Any guy who's Too Evil for Tolkien
(TM by me, in case that becomes a wrestling catchphrase) HAS to
represent the worst of the worst.

Therefore, the Ewoks trimuph, and you can actually hear the Seals
breaking...

True Evil (or is it True Love?) never dies.

- Phil

It's a shame that someone even has to say this, but as of this moment there are at least 35 people who need serious help, so here we go:

EWOKS ARE MIDGET CHILDREN IN PLUSH SUITS!

Ewoks are cute and fuzzy and I love 'em, but if you're expecting them to beat the Gremlins-well, let's just say that it's far more likely that I am really Luke Skywalker in disguise.

See? The outcome of this match is obvious that I don't even need to bother thinking up good jokes about it. Now, if this were the Ewoks versus Gizmo, THEN we might have some kind of contest. But there's no way a bunch of furry midgets with round tummies are going to beat the slimy, nasty, snarling, mayhem-inducing Gremlins.

The Ewoks killed some Stormtroopers. Well whoop-de-doo. I could kill Stormtroopers. Naked. With my bare hands. All you have to do is slap them in the helmet a couple times to kill their three or four brain cells, and you've got 'em. The Gremlins, however, terrorized an entire town.

Get a clue, you little Ewokphiles. The Ewoks won't win-even if you all join hands and wish really hard.

- Blue

I've got a coupla criteria for this lovely match up (btw, must fall
upon my knees and worship ya for keeping this thing going...)

#1- the standard, wussy cop-out of good vs. bad. not even an issue,
move on.

#2- In terms of absolute cuteness, we have the Ewoks- even izmo the
Mogwai was an ugly little critter. but that, in all honesty, is a
girly rationale, with all due respect to the female readers. next
criteria.

#3- The Scientific reasoning- The Gremlins are, yes, a predatory
species with malevolence and hella huge teeth ( did I say
hella? ) and claws, BUT they're pretty stupid. The Ewoks, on
the other hand have built entire cities (however primitive) on
TREES. These people built a 7 year old's DREAM Fortress in the
Trees. How increadibly badass is that!?! Plus, they've gotten the
concept of simple tools, blah-blah-blah. C'mon, if they could build
such a kick ass city, that's enough.

#4- Now, the humors aspects. Simple facts? Wicket is a badass.
Also, he's got motivation- as I recall, Wicket had a woman on his
show. >;) The only female Gremlin I've ever seen was that one in
G2, and, well... let's just say I don't think a Gremlin with a BAC
of 90% would lower himself to fighting for that bag. Additional
pluses for the Ewoks? THEY SPEAK TAGALOG!!! The Gremlins, on the
other hand, can barely mutter complete English phrases, and would
much rather be putting pots in microwaves than bother planning any
strategy.

If the Ewoks don't win, I fear the Grudge Match (TM) Offices will be
overrun by a bunch of large, unwashed Star Wars (TM) fans who have
left their places in line to buy tickets in order to avenge the Ewoks'
loss.

But how many rabid Star Wars (TM) fans will there be?

Let's presume that there are approximately one hundred movie theaters
per state - California can make up for gimpy states like Rhode Island
and Vermont. Let's also presume that, for each movie theater, there
are fifty die-hard fans who will do anything for a Star Wars (TM)
movie ticket.

Fifty times one hundred times fifty...

(punches buttons on her calculator watch)

Looks like you guys are going to have 250,000 visitors.

Have you ever been in a room with that many guys? I've been in rooms
with 250 guys, and they created a funk all their own. If you multiply
that by a thousand...

All I can say is, ThinkMaster's Chihuahuas had better get themselves a
gas mask.

So that's why the Ewoks have to win. For the continued survival of
the hallowed Grudge Match (TM).

- Mary :)

Uh, Mary... 250,000 Star Wars fanboys will no doubt be distracted by a chick with a calculator watch. We'll hold them off for as long as we can, but you'd better run like hell! - TG

Plus Gremlins are full blown alchoholics. Nothing like hundreds of
drunken reptilian psychopaths to put five pounds of fudge in your
shorts.
-Disco Volante

- Spydormonkey & Disco Volante

Endor/ 3:10 pm

Cindle: Hey, Wicket, What happened to that furry thingimaggiger that Yoda sent you?

Wicket: *buurrrp*

- Master Cono

Ewoks die messily. And by chainsaws (don't ask me how, but
the Gremluins always seem to find some). And by some leftover Empirial
lasers and blasters. And *etc etc etc*...

- The Colonel

I believe that we must begin by asking ourselves one simple
question...

"Why would an all-knowing, all-seeing Jedi Master like Yoda
ever give away a Mogwai to a fuzz-for-brains creature like
Wicket?"

The simple answer? He wouldn't.

Thus, I took it upon myself to investigate further...and after
countless hours of light-saber induced mania from watching too much
Star Wars and a slightly less number of countless hours of hydrophobia
from watching too much Gremlins ("No Mommy! Water bad!"), I have come
to a conclusion...the entire thing is a set up.
What's that I hear you say? A set up? Who could perpetrate such a
horrendous and fiendish plot? Well, the answer didn't come easy at
first for me, either...until I realized that only one person stands to
benefit from this species warfare...and that is...none other
than...

ROBERT PICARDO, AKA MR. FORSTER!!!

Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the bald holographic doctor from
Star Trek: Voyager...Mr. "I'm one of the few actors still on a Trek
show that's still running" himself. Why would he do such a fiendish
thing? Let us examine the motives...
Motive #1: Greed
Motive #2: Fear

Yes indeed...Mr. Picardo is one of the few actors still on a Trek show
that is still in production, as I casually mentioned earlier, and he
has all the motivation he needs to act. Fearing for his livelihood in
the face of a resurgence of Star Wars mania, he has taken it upon
himself to commit Genocide against the "lovable", and more
importantly, marketable Ewoks, by delivering to them the most
danger bio-engineered creature ever created...the Mogwai.

Well, I've done my part...oh, and the Gremlins will be torching the
Ewok villages in 2.4 hours for 3 simple reasons.
#1: Ewoks are furry, and fur catches fire more easily than slimy
skin.
#2: Gremlins don't mourn their dead, they use them as appetizers.
#3: Gremlins not only have claws and fangs...they have a sense of
humor!

The Lucas Thugs® will be arriving at Picardo's house soon, I give 30-1
odds on the Thugs.

- Paul, leader of the Pro-Gremlin/Anti-Picardo Jihad.

Besides the sticks and rocks and hang gliders, the Ewoks have a
deady weapon, one can can defeat even Gremlins: a dead Ewok. When
that one guy died, the entire film ground to a halt. Children
burst into tears, the three women in the theater clutched their
boyfriends' arms, one guy in the back yelled "Yeah, you dead now,
dude!" It was the second most dreaded moment in the rerelease (the
most dreaded being, of course, Luke and Leia kissing in Empire).

Gremlins get bumped off plenty, and none evoke any sort of
emotional response besides an occasional "How can a mammal turn into a
reptile?" There's no pity here. Cripes, even Godzilla could get
an "Aww" from an audience.

The Ewoks are smart (they've mastered flight and treetop
architecture, although speech, metalworking, gunpowder and not hitting
themselves with their rocks are beyond them) so they use this to their
advantage. One Ewok takes one for the team, lets himself be killed,
and everything stops for five minutes. The Gremlins check their
watches, miffed. When the Aww time expires, they move in for the
attack. Another Ewok steps up to be killed. He is. Another five
minute pause. This continues until sunrise.

- Kilgore Trout

You know what will really piss off the Gremlins on the forest moon of
Endor?

No machines!

Nothing to tinker with and fix. That is, unless, they find an old
AT-ST or two left over by the Stormtroopers, and at that point them
damn Ewoks will really have something to worry about. Remembering
that Gremlins don't care (and sometimes laugh with sadistic glee) when
their cohorts die and that Ewoks will stop IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE to
mourn a fallen comrade... remembering the exponential growth potential
of Gremlins... even remembering that though they may get behind in the
battle, they can always find an Imperial Shuttlecraft and figure out
how to fly away until they can spawn more evil Gremlins would make
this a clear victory for the Gremlins. Let's see what the Ewoks do
after the Gremlins have collected enough pieces of the Death Star to
blast Endor to Kingdom Come (tm).

- Hurricane Andrew

A low rumbling is heard in the distant jungles. The Ewoks look up to
see trees crashing to the ground in the wake of some horrible, unseen
terror plowing its way through the forrests to their little village.

Paploo climbs up into a lookout post and starts shouting frantically.
What does he see? Throngs of screaming little kids and their
parents!

They invade the Ewok Village (which, strangely enough, is a lot like
the little sticks-and-stones clubhouse from Robin Hood: Prince of
Theives) and swarm around the box that Yoda sent. See, they had
heard that the Ewoks were in posession of the most prized collectible
in the galaxy, something even Bobba Fett, Bossk, and the Empire's
legion of loyal troopers couldn't get their hands on: A Furby!

As they dogpile around it, kicking and screaming and biting and
fighting to get a grab at the prize, one of the kids toward the
outside of the crowd gives a yell. "Hey, look at that mommy! A BIG
Furby!!!!! I want it!"

The Ewoks' beady little eyes grow to the size of baseballs, and they
say in a squeaky cry, "ppphhlllttt-b'pooie!" (translated: "oh,
crap...")

The entire clan of Ewoks is set upon by the seething, mouth-frothing
crowd of kids and parents. The ones which aren't torn to shreds in the
ensuing fights between the parents or trampled underfoot, are stunned
by rocks to the head and taken home in the back of a minivan.

The moral of the story? Collectibles are bad. I mean, remember
pogs?...

Gremlin 1 lights his cigarette and looks over at Ewok 1 who is
dreaming peacefully about about that night with C3PO. With The Rage
(tm) abated, he doesn't need to kill anymore. Maybe he can finally
get around to writing that novel. . .

::Fade to Black::

- Al B Tross

Could you possibly pick a *more* lopsied affair?

After this match, the second rule will have to updated. "Don't feed
them Ewoks after midnight"

The only things the Gremilins will have to worry about is choking on
hairballs, and the high fatty content of those damn muppets.

- Great Bob

The GREMLINS versus the EWOKS? Pardon me while I laugh.

<falls out of her chair laughing, climbs back into her chair
and clears her throat>

Joe, my friend, I hate to tell you this. The Ewoks suck. <ducks all
the blaster fire aimed at her by rabid Star Wars fans>

You can't possibly tell me that those
wanna-be-but-too-big-to-be-Mogwai Ewoks are any match for the lithe
reptilian forms of the Gremlins. To even consider this idea is just
plain insanity.

Forget the wonderful arguments John made on behalf of the Gremlins.
There is a simple mathematical formula which proves my point.
Gentlemen, I present to you, the Juliebuggish Theorem.

Gremlins - Billy Peltzer = AliveAs
proven in the nightmares I experienced as a child after watching
Gremlins and Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Since there was no mention at all of Billy Peltzer in The
Scenario(tm), one must assume that he is conveniently absent. This
leaves the Gremlins free to open a few hundred cans of whoop-ass and
then find a way to rid themselves of the corpses of those stupid
little Ewok twerps. You know, I hear Ewok meat is an Imperial
delicacy...

Ouch. The word 'Gremlins' has brought back memories I thought were
repressed..but on with business.

1. Ewoks - When I saw them in ROTJ (first screening - I'm an Original
fan) I thought they were cute. Look, I was a kid at the time, OK? :-)
In hindsight I see that at times they were sickly-sweet cute but they
also had the Rage (tm) when they attacked the Emperor's troops.

2. Gremlins - After I saw that film years ago I swore never to see
it again. In hindsight I see that all of those creatures should've
been put in a microwave and the setting set to NUKE. If any tape
comes my way I will gladly hack it into its component parts.

Gee, maybe that doesn't prove anything. Alright how about this?
Gremlins have the sharp teeth. Ewoks are basically Koalas; but more
annoying. Gremlins like to kill. Ewoks like to dance. Gremlins can
speak and make intelligent battle strategies (see part 2). Ewoks
worship a homosexual piece of tin. There ya go.

Gremlins in 2 hours of overruning the entire moon with thier rabbit
like reproduction......

- The Undertaker

Hello? Hello? There is no possible way the Ewoks can win
this one, for two very simple reasons. First, every reasonably
intelligent being in the known universe
hates ewoks. Even if, by some miracle, the gremlins
couldn't turn'em into pelts themselves, they'd have every other being
in the universe cleaning his shotgun-equivalent and heading to Endor
for a little creative extinction. This, however, is moot, because of
the second reason: The Ewoks are already dead.

Picture the scene: it's after the battle of Endor. The entire
high-level brass of the Empire's command structure has been
obliterated. There are, however, still several hundred Star
Destroyers around with no one to command them but a bunch of
second-tier commanders. Be afraid, kids; the largest military force
ever built is now in the hands of middle management. The
ascendency of an Intergalactic Pointy-Haired Boss will make Darth
Vader look like Gerald Ford. But in the meantime, we've got a bunch
of military bereaucrats holding policy discussions and drafting
mission statements to figure out what the hell they should do now that
Bob Palpatine isn't there to kick'em around. The first thing this
sort of organization looks for is a scapegoat, someone to lay the
blame of the whole Death Star/Executor snafu upon, ideally one
too weak to fight back. Their choices are:

Each Other: No good. Any one of them commands at least a
dozen star destroyers, as well a small army of secretaries,
Information Technology wireheads, and stock options. They're too
strong to pick on.

The Rebels: Seemingly obvious, but still no good. Picking
on a Mon Calamari cruiser is never a good idea, as anyone who's played
Tie Fighter knows. Also, they've got that little sissy-boy who
nevertheless seems to know those Force tricks that Darth always played
on them when they screwed up. If nothing else, the Rebels made lots
of friends when they blew the Death Star, and it's never a good idea
to pick on someone with a lot of friends.

The Ewoks:Now we're cooking with gas. Bunch of
annoying little rat-boys whose singing ruined the end of the movie,
have no money, no ships, and no corporate connections. Sure, they
managed to beat up some Storm Troopers, but who haven't? I doubt the
little bastards will be able sling together a shield against orbital
bombardment out of their rocks and twigs. If nothing else, the
Assembled Management could use the remnants of the Empire's economic
controls to drive the price of Ewok pelts through the roof, and then
let private poachers do the rest of the work. Either way, the last
slide on Vice Moff Wally's Powerpoint presentation to the Assembled
Management Team will show an ewok, a gun, and a population graph
dropping through the floor.

(Anybody trying to bring any Timothy Zahn novels into the
conversation will be volunteered for airlock testing duty.)

Now, let's talk jawas,

- --Rosencrantz

Gremlins are the real 'toons' out of the two races. Sure, the Ewoks
was actually a Cartoon format, but they 'really would die' if they
fell off a cliff. Take this example, if we drop a Gremlin and an Ewok
of a cliff, who chews our arm off as we let go? Which leaves a hole
in the ground? which leaves a bloody and furry patch.

Gremlins have the RAGE!(tm) because they hate small furry things
(Mowgali sp?)

The Gremlins have the 'hilarious evil psychotic' vote for them. Sure
they loose against two teenagers, but on the other hand you can see
that the director regards the Gremlins as more real than the rest of
the 2d cast, they even escape the movie and attack the cinema staff.
If the movie had been made by the Python team, or any other group
sheltered from the small minded 'good guys win' situation, then the
Gremilns would have gone on causing chaos and violence. They are the
Sir Falstaffs (shakespearean reference), the lords of missrule, the
Wednesday and Pugsly addams of the evil movie monster world.

Ultimately, take real life. Humans, the most succesful life form on
this planet, are we more like Gremlins or like Ewoks?

Anyway, the Gremlins all have to die in an ammusing and individual
manner, and like the storm troopers in 'Storm Troopers Vs Red-suited
ensigns' the Ewoks can only do one or two types of death.
Sure we would loose huge numbers of Gremlins to booby traps, but do
you think thats going to worry the Gremlins, to them thats
entertainment.

'what we are strvyying for, is what we are awwwll stryyving faw.
Culture. Theyre's brawdway,were gowyng to have to fiynd ouwt how to
buy tickets, and there's street crime, but I belive we can watch that
for free.'

Not to mention the way the Gremlins 'flock' For every one (who
ultimately dies) there is it's partner, who exists soley to do
something to the murderer of his partner.
Look at it this way, wicket is stabbing a Gremlin through the heart
with a spear, the Gremlin is dying in an overly theatric way, spining
round etc. Behind him is the obligatory partner who is setting light
to Wickets Fur.

- Seb 'Gremlin' Rabit

As much as I would love to have voted for the Ewoks, who had their own
movie, you'll recall, I just can't. They're CUTE. And while
Gizmo also has an incredible Cuteness Factor, at least he could
theoretically become a Rampaging Death Monster. The Ewoks are just
plain adorable. They even have little baby Ewoks running all over
Endor hugging people and smiling. Evenly matched in battle they may
be (Ewoks - smart but not-so-fierce; Gremlins - fierce but
not-so-smart) the fact remains that I named my hamster after an Ewok,
not a Gremlin. Nasty kicks cute in the ass any day.

- Hated those kids in the Ewok movie

Simple - The Gremlins did all of their killing through kitchen
appliances/power tools. The Ewoks are the technological equivolent
of Jeff Goldblum (Come on. The guy thinks IMacs are cool). Since the
Gremlins have no way to kill the Ewoks, they will fall to the power
of pointy sticks and sharp rocks.

Summary - Ewoks, in the kitchen, with the lead pipe.

- Fallout Boy

Well, I gotta give the Ewoks some credit. They do have that
Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. All nice and cuddly until you piss them
off. Plus, they're underdeveloped in the technology department, and
everybody knows that Gremlins are most dangerous around things like
life support systems, environmental controls, and automated weapons
systems.

Which the Ewoks have none of. A Gremlin is going to be hard pressed
to muck up any of the Ewoks natural toys. Which is going to knock the
Gremlins down a few points in the spread. Put them on the Death
Star...they'd destroy it faster than John McClane...but in a
jungle? And unless they find some DNA altering fungus, they don't
have any natural weaponry. So it's a pretty even fight so far.

But let's take a look at motivation. The Gremlins are simply
nasty...to the point where you wonder if they're related to my
ex-girlfriend's mother. To them, destruction, mayhem, and death are
like breathing...kind of like my ex's mother. But, just like my ex's
mother, unless you give them something mechanical, there's little
chance they can do any damage.

The Ewoks? Sorry, but there's something missing from the equation.
The Babe Factor. These creatures have been oppressed and probably
hunted for their pelts by the Empire. It wasn't until Leia shows up
(and perhaps showed them that gold bikini Jabba gave her), that they
were able to tap into the Rage(TM) which built up within them.

Remember the Ewok's reaction when Leia took off the helmet. He was
shocked there was a woman under there. And he must have talked to
his friends, told them that when you got the helmets off there were
babes inside. The Ewoks were not trying to save the galaxy...they
thought they were chasing chicks.

So since there are no babes within 2.2 parsecs, there's nothing that
will incite the Ewoks.

So, it sounds like it would be a pretty lame-o fight. Until you
consider one thing: the terrain. The entire Ewok civilization is
built hundreds of feet in the air. If you were a Gremlin, would you
be able to resist cutting the cords that hold their village up?

The Gremlins have it once they get their hands on a single knife...

- Simple Simon

The Ewoks are gonna get WOK-Ked. Why? It's simple. Wicket dropped the
Grelmin in a water cooler with a Leftover piece of KFC. Combining the
natural curosity and savageness of the Gremlins with the awesome LSD-
mind blending power of the Colonel (Who popped the great Orville
Redenbacher, may his popcorn always be buttered), will create the
first-ever Jedi GREMLINS!!! Turning promptly to the Dark side, The
Jedis will practise Croquet on the poor little Wickets, before dying
(with style) to Luke and the boys..

(p.s. Nevertheless, Joe, you da Man. Steve and Brian would be proud
of you for THAT opening argument.)

- Little Mac

Sure, the Gremlins are a bunch of fun-loving, maniacs. But come
on John, you're forgetting that Gizmo HATES his little self-producing
buddies. If anything, he's going to join the Ewoks and help them kick
those Gremlins off of Endor.

- Icetor

We need to look a bit deeper into the Star Wars saga for this one.
Chewbacca is not an entity of his own. I believe a bunch of Ewoks
were smooshed together to form a bigger, more powerful entity--namely
Chewbacca--not unlike the cartoon Voltron. In fact, those vocal
sounds he makes are not speech; they are merely grunts and groans from
Ewoks being trod upon by other Ewoks (possibly with cold bony feet).

When threatened, Ewoks will group together and form more Wookies.
Therefore, as the threat from the Gremlins heightens, you'll see fewer
Ewoks and more Wookies.

So, to be accurate, this is not a match of Ewoks against Gremlins.
No, this is really several matches of a Wookie vs. a Wookie's weight
in Gremlins.
Using Classic Grudge Match's
Rottweiler vs a
Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas result as a precedent, each
Wookie should just barely beat each Wookie's weight in Gremlins.

Not only would this justify voting for the Ewoks/Wookies, it also
debunks Cochrane's "Chewbacca Defense" on South Park. It does
make sense that Chewbacca would be on Endor with Ewoks. Not only is
Chewbacca "one of them," Ol' Chewy is 8 to 12 of them. Therefore,
"Stinky Britches" must be Chef's song.

- Mark Wentz

Unfortunately for the Gremlins (and everybody else around), the Ewoks
are no doubt acting even more annoying than usual at this time in
order to prevent the loss of their title of "Most Annoying Star Wars
Characters" to Jar Jar Binks and his funky speaking Gungan buddies in
the new movie. After a few hours witnessing the horror resulting from
these efforts, I figure the Gremlins will be begging for a nice sun
bath, and who can blame them?

Obviously the Ewoks are going to win this, because no mogwai-spawned
Gremlin can compete with those !#@$# EWOKS STUPID LITTLE TEDDY BEARS
$#%#ED UP ROTJ NO ONE EVER TOOK STAR WARS SERIOUSLY AFTERWARD WHAT'S UP
WITH THIS JAR JAR BINKS CRAP WHY LUCAS WHY WHY WHY WHY????

Glad to get THAT out of my system.

- - Antares435

Here we have the Ewoks, representing the pinnacle of Star Wars
commercialism in all its glory. And we have the Gremlins, a physical
representation of the evils of commercialism. In effect, the Gremlins
were made solely to crush Ewoks and all their brethren. Thus, they
will win.

Besides, Star Wars fans despise the Ewoks and won't rush to their aid
this time.

- tuffy

Ewoks all the way.

Mowgli are in reality really small ewoks. You see, the main reason
that the Ewoks wanted to eat the people in Empire, is so that they car
become really big mean Gremlins.

The Ewoks know about the gremlins, since they are a rejected breed
of Ewoks anyhow. Also, Gizmo is going to help the Ewoks anyhow, he
always helps out those who fight the Gremlins. By chance while
walking around the forest, he is going to find a lightsabre that some
by chance happens to have left around. Gizmo with a light sabre, just
think of the commercialization! The action figures, the cartoon, the
posters, trading cards, the . . .

- Nutrini

The Gremlins are gonna carry this one away, kids. Simple fact of life:
no one stuffs ballot boxes like fanatical Star Wars fans. And
fanatical Star Wars fans hate the Ewoks.

- -Zartan Moloch, the International Bastard

To whom it may concern:

Regrettably, my son will be unable to send in commentary for this
week's match-up. He's been in line all week to be the first to buy
tickets for that new movie, A Midsummer Night's Dream. I can certainly
understand what all the fuss is about; that Stanley Tucci has a cute
tushie.

- 1/2 Nelson's Mom

The question was, "Will the Gremlins spell the end of Endor or
will the Ewoks eradicate the infestation like an entire legion of the
emperor's finest troops?" The answer is, "Neither!" The author of this
scenario seems to treat the Gremlins as an organized military force.

In actuality, the Gremlins are not interested in conquest or a
maximum body-count, they're interested in having a wild time, any
resulting deaths of the targets or bystanders being incidental.
They're not evil personified, they're the id personified, following
their impulses with little regard for the destructive consequences.
For readers unfamiliar with psychoanalytical terms, don't put the
Gremlins in the same category as the Empire or even the Viet Cong.
Instead, picture a stereotypical, drunken-jock fraternity on
Homecoming Night.

As for the Ewoks, their previous battle was 1) commenced only
after instigation by human outsiders, and 2) against enemies who a)
were obligated to defend a fixed-installation target (the
shield-generator), b) were so out-of-their-element and/or arrogant
that they wore brightly-colored clothing instead of camoflague, and c)
were heavily outnumbered. ('Remind anyone else of the Revolutionary
War?) None of those apply here, and the Gremlins rank among the most
adaptive people I've ever seen. They're from Tibet, but they had
phenomenally little trouble learning and using the objects, concepts,
and enviros of Norman-Rockwell-ville or of a copy of the Trump Tower.
Further, assuming Endor's vegetation somehow survived all the
radioactive fallout from the orbiting Death Star's explosion, not much
direct sunlight would get through the canopy to ground-level. The
Ewoks' situation would be like when the North Vietnamese drove out the
U.S. imperialists via guerilla attrition, then got on the receiving
end of their own tactics in their subsequent Cambodia
invasion/misadventure.

Expect the Gremlins to integrate themselves into the ecosystem and
become a chronic annoyance, much like the Ewoks themselves.

- Matt Bricker

Since you brought it up, here's an update on Endor's current ecological situation. As is so brilliantly demonstrated at the Star Wars
Technical Commentaries site, Endor did not survive the destruction
of the second Death Star. The Ewoks are no more. Can I hear a "Hallelujah", brothers and sisters! - Shane

Gremlins, all the way. Do not forget that the Mogwai is, in essence,
that most evil, twisted and deptaved of creations, a Furby .
Consider the evidence:

1) After a few days of ownership, the average Furby develops a
penchant for saying "Big light up!" c.f. "Bright light! Bright
light!"

2) Observe, if you will, some quotes from the instruction manual.

"Do not let your Furby get wet."
"Never feed your Furby REAL food."

3) Furbies sing irritating songs when they are bored.

Do we sense a recurring theme here? Furbies and Mogwai are ONE AND
THE SAME. So, Furbies vs. Ewoks:

4) Furbies outsold ewok toys last Christmas.

5) It has long been known that the Furby is in fact a secret mind
control experiment conducted by the worldwide intelligence community
(MKULTRA? Don't make me laugh).

6) Furbies are obviously evil, all powerful demonic entities that are
only nominally under the control of their CIA/MI6 masters and actually
have their own Machiavellian plan to rule the universe etc. etc.

7) THEY MUST BE STOPPED AND IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN A FEW CHILD
ACTORS/WILLOW EXTRAS IN TEDDY BEAR COSTUMES TO DO IT!

- Duc de Nevers (No shit I'm paranoid)

Yoda lived on Dagobah, a swamp planet. Jedi Master or not, Yoda
could not have kept that little furball dry for very long. The damp
air would have been enough to shoot out two or three others. So I
con to this conclusion... the Mogwi (a.k.a. the thing I just tried to
spell) was defective. With that said, even if Wicket did feed the
little drain clog after midnight only one gremlin would evolve.

Let's not forget that the Ewoks not only helped defeat the Empire but
can also learn and adapt very quickly to new situations. For example
those two Ewoks learned to run the ST-AT in under 20 seconds. Not
bad for a bunch of midgets in fur. I believe that the Ewoks could
adapt to the little bit of mischief that the lone gremlin would
unleash on the unsuspecting Ewok population.

In conclusion Billy Peltzer defeated the gremlins pretty much single
handedly (okay so Spike pretty much kicked his ass). Has anyone seen
the guy who played him, Billy, in anything else? I mean they had to
make sequels just so this kid could have a career. My point is that
if he could defeat the gremlins...it can't be that hard.

- Chamberlain

In the words of Dark Helmet, 'Evil will always triumph, because Good
is dumb.'

While the Gremlins are not the sharpest razors in the pack, and they
are most definatly a few french fries short of a happy meal, I think
they have the upper hand here. With their dark black, green, and brown
coloring, they will easily blend in with the forests of Endor. They
also have the size advantage (sometimes smaller can be better). The
ewoks are very skilled at setting traps for people twice their
size,(who dress in BRIGHT WHITE in a FOREST, nonetheless) but I have
my doubts as to how well their traps will work for creatures smaller
than they are. Even if the ewoks do somehow manage to set traps that
the gremlins fall to, the gremlins will have the advantage of numbers
in no time. Endor is a forest moon, and forests tend to have streams,
lakes, or shallow pools; regardless of the form, there is going to be
some water nearby. The ewoks are a simple, non-technological society.
Logic tells us that their homes would be built near a water supply.
Even if there is no water, the forest would most likely be dewy
at night; rolling in the grass could do the job just as well. Before
long, the Gremlins will be feasting on toasted teddy bear in their new
treetop condos.

- Virdilak

THE EMPEROR'S FINEST???? BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
c'mon, storm troopers have the life expectancy of a red shirted
ensign! they got their collective butts handed to them by retarded
little bears in hoods! here's how i see the scene. Wicket puts the
mogwai into the water cooler and feeds him. it multiplies
instantaneously (wow, 6 sylables there, Joe. think you can pronounce
that?), and transform in to about 5 gremlins, each of which turn into
another 5 gremlins, which turn into more, ad infinitum. Stripe, the
original mogwai, grabs Wicket and microwaves the little freak. the
gremlins then proceed to shave the ewoks bald.

- Bri Rob the Caveman

Good guys always win
I'm sorry to say, but it's a sad, sad fact. In every televison show
and movie, the bad guy never, ever wins (with the exception of those
shows that make the bad guy always win ie Outer Limits etc).
Of cousrse the ewoks would win, at the verge of their grisly defeat,
the ghost of yoda would step in, do some special force stuff
compliments of Industrial Light and Magic (TM)
But before that happens, the gremlins would kick a lot of furry ewok
ass, proving to be quite an entertaining and profitable spectacle for
George Lucas.
As you can recall in the Gremlins(TM) movies, those horny, ravenous
slimy green bastards wreaked havoc, destruction and all out carnage
upon the town/city they were in (I forgot the names but they aren't
important)
Sure some may say that a aouple of pathetic high school losers and a
furry wussy assed, television addicted piece of ^&*% were able to
defeat the hordes of the Gremlins (TM), but as I mentioned above, the
good guys always win.
And now for what really happens....
twas the night before tomorrow and all through the huts,
two creatures were stirring, it was Leia and Han
the two were bunking, togething in bed, and Han was asking Leia
for H**D
Just as she was ready there rose such a clatter..
And on her face she felt a spatter..
Goddamit Han! She was about to exclaim,
"It only happened this time!!" well, it happpened again
She rose from the bed, about to swear...
When a glob of that stuff landed into her hair
She turned around, bent down to get dressed...
And saw something weird coming out of his chest
Half clothed and half drunk she bent over (gratuitous shot here)
to look
And saw in his chest was a long metal hook.
She looked at her hair, and examined the spatter...
Instead of sweet stuff, it was covered with guts
Half clothed still and scared, she began to shiver, and now her
whole body was beginning to quiver.
Her body was cold, like she got out of a pool...
As she turned to flee, she was covered with drool
She slowly looked up, and and was thrown to the ground
When she woke up, they were all around
Now she was naked, tied up to the cot
And now those small bastards wanted watch
They took out some knives and took out some sticks
And started to nibble upon her smooth hips
Her screams were not heard as into her face
Something foul and dirty was stuck there in case
At dawn when young Luke came to take a quick peek,
All that he saw was guts on a sheet
Around to the huts he went to raise fort
But in those huts were a few grisly corpse
The ewoks were massacred, Han never got there, poor Leia
defiled and Luke was not there...
When out of the shadows, there emerged a grand figure,
Who muttered a word and restored everything
CUT!
Yelled George Lucas, the god of the Land
And with a wave of his hand there were Leia and Han
He used his mighty power to shut down Warner (tm)
And with THX sound he would earn millions
The moral here is good guys always win
Except for poor Han, who's alone in the can
So don't mess with Lucas, he can be a real bitch
Star Wars(TM) is his movie
He gets to do what he wants
And anyone who displeases him,
Gets his ass crushed

Ok, that had almost nothing to do with gremlins, just a lot of adult
content, but the gremlins did do some killing, maily Han's mood but
it was still a pretty cool poem eh?

the gremlins went about and kicked a lot of ass in the town after
finishing with Leia and then killed everyone except Luke with gory
carnage like in their movies
Lucas shot it all on film and released in theaters with Episode One
(TM)
And made millions!!!
Lucas Win!!!
And since he owns the ewoks(TM)
They win too

THE END (till next week)

- Kamikaze

So, here I come back after my self-imposed exile (actually, more like
a sabbatical to ponder
some things, not the least of which was to re-charge the ol' neurons
to bring them back up to
WWWF standards), only to find my beloved Ground Zero has sunk to the
shameless levels of
current hype and crass commercialism... HAVE YOU BOYS NO
SHAME??!

And not only that, but as a 13-hour overnight veteran of a Line Of
Star Wars Fanatics
Camped Out For Tickets To The Phantom Menace(tm), I am especially
overcome by the
savage, brutal imagery of envisioning a whole new mob of people lined
outside a movie theater
to see "Ewoks vs. Gremlins"... not just Star Wars Fanatics mind you,
but horde upon horde of
Lifeless Fanboys Who Can't Get Enough Of Phoebe Cates (Never Mind That
She Hasn't Had A
Career Since Drop Dead Fred)(tm). Is this ANY way to return
from a sabbatical... to find
one's creative centers of the brain subjected to a
psionic-Hellraiser?!?

Anyway, as a ranking expert on all things Star Wars in this forum, I
am compelled to come out
and break silence, and say in my humble opinion... Gremlins win in an
utter rout of the Ewoks.

Y'see, this match is taking place on Endor. Which like all
locales in the Star Wars
universe is plagued with exactly one kind of climate... that
being what we would consider
on Earth to be California decidious forest(tm). And forests tend to
have a very distinct structure
when viewed vertically, such that at the top level there is a dense
forest canopy that filters out
approximately 90% of the sunlight that could be hitting the forest
floor, were it not for the
vegetation. There's very little direct sunlight... which if you
remember Gremlins, Stripe
was in subdued sunlight for a good part of the last fight in the
store, but it was direct
sunlight which turned him into bubbling goo. In other words, unless
this matchup is taking place
at tree-top level, Gremlins will have no sunlight-imposed limiting
factor.

Second, there must be ample moisture as this is a forest moon.
Look at that
holograph that Admiral Akbar projects in Return of the Jedi...
there's even some seas on
this moon. Probably a good lake or two also. If you think a YMCA
swimming pool will satiate a
Gremlin's procreative lust, imagine what a whole honkin' ocean
will do for him/her/it!

There is an ample food supply... I offer Chewbacca's falling
for the Ewok trap as proof
of this. Gremlins will have no compunctions over killing and then
eating forest prey, again
unaffected by sunlight and with more than enough water to produce more
Gremlins.

It takes approximately 24-48 hours for a Mogwai to cocoon and
become a Gremlin.
Wicket throws the Mogwai into the cooler and leaves him... probably
forgets all about him. First
the Mogwai reproduces proportionate to the amount of water (which I'm
guessing will produce
300-400 other Mogwai). Those Mogwai go into the forest consuming,
either Ewok-stored food or
eating slain vermin. As an untamed Mogwai will have no compunction
about eating after
midnight, we could expect 400 slimy cocoons throughout a relatively
limited geographical area
(this is a conservative estimate, assuming those Mogwai do not go on
to produce more via
water).

2 days after Wicket throws the Mogwai into the cooler, the
Gremlins emerge and
encounter the Ewoks. Some are lost to Ewok weaponry but as we learned
from the
Gremlins movies, Gremlins know complicated machinery by
instinct and can also
improvise. In the ensuing melee, the Ewoks are defeated but not
killed... they are to be fodder
for the Gremlins toyish pleasures. Meanwhile, the Gremlins, whose
growth has gone
unchecked, swarm out all over Endor, reproducing all the while. This
formula best describes
what will happen:

Gt=(Gi(W^F) )Limit S

where Gt is total Gremlins deriving from the initial
Mogwai/Gremlin (Gi), W is
water available to the power of F (food supply) limited by sunlight
(S)

Within a week, all of Endor is covered by Gremlins. There is
one tiny enclave of
Ewoks left... those that are being held captive (and little Cindel,
but she doesn't count since the
Ewoks TV movies aren't canon anyway). Obviously, this presents a
potential risk to the rest of
the New Republic, since even one escaped Gremlin could wipe out
a whole world.

Meanwhile, on the Alliance Headquarters ShipHome One...

"Ackbar here, Mon Mothma."

"Admiral, we have no choice. Endor is a lost cause. You may
fire when ready."

Just beyond the moon's orbit is the hastily-constructed
Death Star III, built with
the secret plans inside R2-D2. A Calamarian crewman whispers "damn
Ewoks" and pulls the
trigger. The Forest Moon of Endor explodes into a trillion
pulsing-hot slabs of rock.

And the audience goes wild. Although this should
essentially count as a "Both Mangled and Killed", Gremlins are the
clear victor.

(and besides, my mom thought Ewoks were really cute. A year
later she leaves the theater halfway through Gremlins. I pick
whatever grossed out Momma anyday!)

There will be no Gremlins. As soon as that Mogwai takes one bite of
the Kentucy Fried Chicken (which is already siding with Star Wars,
mind you), his little arteries will be unable to stand the grease,
which can be enough to kill a fully-grown human. Dead Mogwai= no
asexually reproductive furballs. The battle is won before it's begun.

- Nick "Maniac Clown" Zachariasen

The Gremlins will overwhelm the Ewoks like Hans Gruber and Co. at a
Japanese Corp. Christmas party. Christmas as defined by my favorite
book of fiction (you know...A Christmas Carol) is a time of peace and
joy with family and friends and other nice stuff. It is celebrated by
all the great civilizations here on Earth in many ways: Whether you
are Mrs. Hogget dreaming of slicing up "Babe" for a pork roast or the
"good" Grinch carving up the Roast Beast (Christmas is not for
Vegetarians). Other races, creeds, nationalities, etc residing on
Spaceship Earth celebrate Christmas only they call it by other names
(Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, even Ramadan every 12 years or
so). But Christmas is not only a Earth holiday, it transcends space.
The 1964 documentary "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" revealed how
the Martian leader, Kimar, made a clumsy attempt to kidnap ole St.
Nick back to Mars (this bungled affair ranks only second to Jack
Skellington's miserable attempt). Thanks to Billy, Betty, and Dropo's
uncanny portrayal as the jolly red-suited-one, Christmas was saved.
Now Christmas is celebrated every Septober (thats around December in
Earth's Solar Calendar)on Mars. But wait it also transcends time.
Recall Picard's trip to the Nexus or Kirk's drunken sexual advances to
one of McCoy's science technicians at one of the Enterprise's
Christmas Parties (see Daggers of the Mind). So now that space and
time is brought into the picture, Christmas is celebrated in
far away galaxies a long,long time ago. Remember the "Ewoks
Christmas" on t.v. (Please, I am not insane, I actually saw this
though none of my friends (both of them) believe me.)This demonstrates
that even the Ewoks celebrate it (Peace on the forested Moon of Endor
and Goodwill to Ewok) And to further belabor my point, a young Anakin
Skywalker's desire for a "Turbo Man" generated Sinbad's finest
performance to date on the Silver Screen. Now recall when the
Gremlins did all their damage...at Christmas! This lack of respect
for this great holiday and an obvious slap to the face on the East
Coast Syndicate that runs the racket (thank you Lucy Van Pelt for your
honesty) proves the Gremlins are merciless beings. In summary, the
Gremlins will make a "Silent Night, Deadly Night" of the Ewoks.

- Robby H

We all know what bears do in the woods. Considering that the Ewoks
don't appear to have bathrooms in their forest homes and that the
surrounding trees grow incredibly huge, it doesn't take a brain
surgeon to figure out that all the waste is going over the side. Once
that Gremlin escapes, it needs only fall down to the forest floor to
land in a virtual pool of dung and urine, creating a massive
unstoppable army. True, this will be the first ever batch of yellow
and brown Gremlins, but Gremlins nonetheless. Yes, it looks bad for
our heroes the Ewoks.

But, if I have learned anything from Star Wars, the rules of reality
just don't apply. Just consider the following:

1) THX Surround-Sound in the vacuum of space.
2) Full-terrain, expensive, armored vehicles, designed to take
tremendous abuse from laser fire, explosives and various other forms
of weaponry, are crushed like discarded beer cups by a couple of logs.
3) Advanced medicine that can create fully integrated artificial body
parts but can't provide Darth Vader with a breathing apparatus that
doesn't sound an asthma patient having a seizure inside a rusty iron
lung.

But even this silliness is nothing compared to the masterpiece of Star
Wars silliness: EWOK TECHNOLOGY. What era of development are the
Ewoks in exactly? Their main armament is a Stone Age spear and they
live in trees. Clearly Ewoks are primitives, which is what Lucas
wanted. But they have the catapult which is an invention that humans
didn't develop until Roman times several thousand years later. They
also have a glider which is something humanity didn't develop until
the late 19th century! And not only just a glider, but a glider that
drops rocks on unsuspecting victims and, beyond any logic whatsoever,
accurately hits a moving target with precision accuracy. Folks, we
have a word for that sort of weapons system - it's called a STRATEGIC
BOMBER. Clearly, the Ewoks can develop any advanced technology at
will, regardless of the fact that they dont even have a written
language!

I fully expect that as the Gremlins corner the surviving Ewoks into
their last stand, the shaman will solemnly raise his arms, chant some
incantations and reveal his brand new organic miniature artificial sun
made from mud and sticks. The Gremlins are toast. Literally.

- Paul G.

Hmmmm... so evenly matched! Almost as close as Care Bears vs. Raptors!
This match is just sad. Poor, annoying Ewoks against the embodiment of
RAGE(tm) called GREMLINS!!!! But the fact is, the Gremlins are
managed...BY ME! Yes, that's right, I have created a loyal Gremlin
army to serve me, and I now am pitting it agaist Ewoks. And THERE WILL
BE NO CHANCE OF EWOK VICTORY! For I am Devin The Mental Hospital
Escapee. I own the Gremlins. I own Elmer and his bus.(see FPL) And now
I will own the moon of Endor and a new Ewok Death Machine for killing
Brendan and Tristian Pratt, his loyal minion.

Be afraid

Be very afraid.

MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Devin The All-Powerful Mental Hospital Escapee

At first it seemed like an easy win for the Ewoks because the
setting iss outdooors and the whole sunlight thing, then I realized
its the RAIN FOREST moon. Think about it-triple canopy jungle to
block out the sun and plenty of water. Now factor in the fact they
worshiped C3PO because he seemed to fly, imagine what they will do
the first time they see a gremlin get wet.

They will immediately start building an alter and go looking for
some wuss like Luke to sacrafice to the almighty self-replicating
gremlin. The gremlins wil use their status as gods to enslave the
ewoks and then go after their comon enemy--those little friggin blue
commie bastards, the smurfs!