My life is an endless stretch of unforeseen, predictable, tumultuous and incredible events. Some things I can't control, some things I can, I make decisions and I take actions. And here I can look at it all.

At the moment I'm just working as hard as I can because I'm panicking massively about uni and if I'm working time seems to go faster, and there's always something to work on.
I don't think D really gets that. He thinks I'm being difficult when I say I don't want to go over there but it's because I've got work to do, and I'm going away this weekend, and going anywhere near one of my least favourite places on earth doesn't sound like a great plan right now.
Maintaining a high level of involvement in the debating society, it's nice to be doing something at college that I don't have to do, no assignments or wider reading etc.
And my uni application STILL hasn't been sent off because my teachers suck.

Now, by this
http://brass612.tripod.com/cgi-bin/things.html
I'm on 21/100
Now, I'm 17, nearly 18. We can assume I will live to approximately 70, probably later. That means I'm only ON TRACK to achieve all those things. Which disappoints me, because it means I'm behind. So, I resolve to (realistically) achieve the following in the near future:
Be an extra in a film.
Grow a beard and leave it for at least a month (Ok, this is overambitious)
Plant a tree.
See a lunar eclipse. (21st December this year apparently)
Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country. (It's in Blackpool. I've been on the second, and will do so again on Friday, as it's Stealth at Thorpe Park)

I haven't been posting because, well, nothing exciting has been happening. I've been going to classes, learning things, working at home, reading Nietzsche in my spare time and generally just getting on with it.

We're organising an exemplar debate on Tuesday for the lower sixth to stare at. Should be interesting, but we still haven't got a motion to go from so that's going to be a bit annoying.

I'm keeping unfeasibly busy.
I think I'm trying to avoid thinking about uni, but it drives everything I do so how can I?

I feel awful today. Normally around now I'd be feeling relaxed, I've had little homework, I like my subject set up better than last year, nothing traumatic is going on. But I just feel totally drained and hopeless. Just going into college is so 'what's the point', like it was when I started at my second high school, in Christchurch. But I can't run away to the other side of the world now, and I don't want to. But I need to find the motivation to carry on again.

I should probably see a doctor about going on levothyroxin like mother. It's not an antidepressant or anything, there just seems to be a thyroid problem on the female side of my mother's family that leads to massive mood swings and hormonal imbalances as well as a variety of physical ailments. I've suspected for some time I probably also have it, but if I go to a doctor I think they'll probably tell me to stop using the contraceptive pill, since that messes with your hormones, and I don't want to do that.

I should probably excercise more. And eat less. And make more of an effort to get along with people. And take more vitamins. And spend more time with my pets. And build a time machine.

I don't really know what to do at the moment, it feels like I'm just winging it day to day, with everything.

Monday and those other days - College. Blegh. But D's there :D But I don't really see him...but he's around.

Had the first debating society meeting. The other two were somewhat intimidating to the little'uns. I made loads of cake and sat and actually LISTENED to the things they had to say, but the other two seemed rather focused on telling them what to do. Which is of course not how to teach, but it was still fairly successful. We had a mini debate and it was fairly smooth and productive.

Finally handed in my resit forms and uni application too. That means the next two months are just pointless painful waiting to know if I've got an interview, although I do have my LNAT on the 9th, which I have no real idea how to practice for, but I can damn well try.

It's all swings and roundabouts really, one minute I think it's going to be ok, the next I freeze in panic because I just don't know. Usually when I'm looking forward to something this much I don't get it, so that doesn't bode well. But nobody, not even my tutor, can say I haven't put the work in. More to come this year, but this year doesn't matter to the universities, the bastards. I'm beginning to hate all institutionalised education. How can they force us through THIRTEEN YEARS of exams and tests and assessments and good teachers and crap teachers and good days and bad days and fun stuff and not so fun stuff only to then reject us at the last. And oh they do.

Friday - Societies fair. I've been effectively kicked out of the law society because the others want to turn it into their own little friend club, but seeing as they spent all day on Friday dressed like total sluts, I think I'll live. So I'm going to be involved in debating, is alll good.

Saturday - Went to Cambridge with the mutter. Got a huge fluffy pink dressing gown. All my dreams have come true :)

Monday- Friday - Week. Except Wednesday was enrolment, so I had to go into college. It's all a fucking mess and my tutor spent all day telling me I'm not good enough and I shouldn't bother applying to Oxford or any AAA uni. Stupid bitch.

Friday was D's enrolment too. He didn't think it was important to bring his results to enrolment. Another mess of a day.

Saturday was a BBQ at a friends, saw my old dog for the first time since she left. She seems very healthy and happy. I miss her but I suppose these things happen.

Yesterday D made me go to his and I spent most of the time touching baby rabbits.

Today I've been mentally preparing myself for college and shopping with the mother. I'm just completely sick of everyone and everything at the moment. I'm sick of repeatedly having to prove myself to everyone, and to nobody understanding the way I see things, and of college and it's pathetic beaurocracy, and of university and doubt and having to compromise who I am for everyone around me just so they can be happy. When do I get my chance to actually do what I want with all these roadblocks?

P.S. Earthquake in the city I used to live in. Huge. Most of my friends are ok beyond structural damage. One's house is gone.