Friday, March 30, 2007

When I started this series, I had a few things I knew I wanted to cover over the course of the year. It's been a while since the last episode.

Let's recap:

In episode one I had begun the new year, albeit begrudgingly, with the intent to be more active and get this little body into better physical shape.

Episode two was about the all-important hunt for health insurance and a new therapist. I didn't get that part time job so the health insurance applications are still rolling in. One is in progress.

Hmm ... no episode three. oops. Onward.

Celexa Withdrawal was the subject of episode four. Damn, that lasted long enough. Very uncomfortable. I'm finally feeling more balanced, as far as reactiveness goes.

Today's episode is one I've been putting off for a few weeks. I had to be sure a few things were taken care of - like, informing my dog clients - before being comfortable writing about it here.

We're going to New Hampshire from June through December.

whoa.

There it is, in print. Seems even more overwhelming than when I just think about it in my little head.

Temporary or not, so much comes up around this move. Six months is a long time in my world. Especially when it means I'll be in closer proximity to my family.

I left fifteen years ago. I brought all the family secrets with me. They've been free from the responsibility of having to face the person who represents their fears and shame and mistakes. I've been free from having to face those who've hurt me. Instead, I've carried their burdens on top of my own.

Being with my brother and his family over Christmas was wonderful. It's one of the main reasons I was excited to be going there for an extended period of time. But as we get closer to June, we get closer to discomfort.

Denial.

Such a dirty word. When your whole life is based on a foundation of lies, it's difficult to open your heart to those no longer willing to collude. It's a sad truth. I may not be welcome in his family - because to him I represent the potential demise of his kingdom.

It's easy to see how cycles and patterns continue to get repeated. Running from them, brings us right to them.

I'm struggling to see this move as an opportunity for more healing with my family of origin. It's not the main focus because that could certainly drive me bonkers. But I can only hope that my previous conversation with the brother I love will make him think twice about future choices.

No one spoke up for me. no one. If I didn't speak up for his kids, I'd be colluding in the denial, repeating the pattern. That's not who I want to be. It's not how I want to express myself in the world.

The only way to change a pattern is to change behavior. The only way to change behavior is to shine light on it. Look at it. Examine it. Have compassion for it. Consciously make the decision to change.

If I'm ousted from his family just for speaking truth and expressing a valid concern (something that isn't even about him) then that's something we'll all have to live with.