The Ralphie IV Death Conspiracy Theories CU Doesn’t Want You to Know

Campus has been grieving since the death of the beloved Ralphie IV on March 27. Despite every Buff’s unconditional love for every buffalo associated with CU, there is a great deal of mystery around their identities, where they’re kept, how they’re treated, and what happens when they die. Students are beginning to whisper… maybe one of these conspiracy theories is the reason why.

4.) Cast-Iron Ralphie:

There’s one by Baseline and 36, one in front of Folsom, and even one on Pearl. The average tourist assumes these statues are just to foster a sense of school pride, make campus look nicer, or to honor the near-extinct population of buffaloes in Colorado. But we’re smarter than that; look into their eyes, and you’ll feel an eerie sense that you’re being watched. The reason? Every buffalo statue is actually the dead body of a previous Ralphie, frozen in carbonite (think Han Solo in Return of the Jedi) and then overlaid with bronze. Yeah. You’ll never look at another buffalo statue the same way again. Ever.

3.) Denver Airport Illuminati:

Ever since Ralphie I was kidnapped by Air Force Academy students in 1970 (dicks), Ralphie’s location has been kept under wraps, as to avoid this happening again (we’re looking at you, CSU). Theories float around about her true hiding place, but consider this: Denver International airport has runways in the shape of a swastika. And creepy ass murals. And a weirdly intricate series of elaborate underground tunnels that ‘aren’t being used’. Many speculate that DIA is the Illuminati base, and they could be right. A massive system of tunnels that only a special few have access to… perfect place to hide a treasured mascot, right? And if she’s down there… in a place where only Illuminati members are allowed… Ralphie is Illuminati. It’s confirmed.

2.) Neil Gorsuch:

Ralphie’s unexpected death occurring around the same time as former Buff Neil Gorsuch’s Supreme Court nomination can’t be a coincidence. Knowing Trump, his fragile male ego, and his insecurities about what his cabinet (and the entire country-yikes!) thinks about him, it isn’t that far-fetched to believe that Trump would ask Gorsuch to betray his home state and former employer in order to prove his allegiance to the Trump administration. Gorsuch had to somehow assure Trump of his undying loyalty to the administration and the GOP. Are we saying what you think we’re saying? The answer is yes. We are. Neil Gorsuch murdered Ralphie IV in cold blood because Donald Trump told him to.

1.) Gold Crate Ralphie:

There is an extremely suspicious, buffalo-sized gold crate outside of Folsom field that just happened to pop up when Ralphie IV died. At first glance, it seems like just another needless expenditure by CU, probably housing some important items, like jerseys for the football team, equipment for the football team, or footballs for the football team. But why is there an air-conditioning unit on this crate? What the hell is in this crate that needs to be temperature-controlled? Footballs don’t need to be refrigerated. Jerseys and equipment don’t need to be, either… But you know what does need to be refrigerated? Dead bodies. Dead buffalo bodies, to be more specific.

Embrace the new Ralphie V with open arms and drunkenly cheer when she gallops across the football field, but never forget the mystery behind the mammal. Never. Forget.