UNCLE OF AGONY: How to find a Master

"Hi, I've been a submissive for several years but am keen to find a Master to serve. Ideally, I want this to become a long-term Dom/sub relationship, not a hardcore scene-by-scene or 24/7 control and objectification thing. I want a loving, lifestyle relationship but I'm not sure how to go about it and don't want to mess it up!"

Master Dominic writes:

Finding any sort of relationship is hard work; it's hard enough to get laid on an app at times. There's a lot to consider even with a more typical vanilla relationship, so it's important you sit and have a hard think about what your wants and expectations are before you start looking.

The biggest battle I come up against with new slaves is the reality versus the expectation. Sure, your perfect relationship is exactly that in your mind – perfect – but the reality is that you're both human beings. It's vital to be realistic about all aspects of it and to be prepared for some of the fantasy to not match up to the reality. That can be in the best way or it can be a bit of a disappointment – when it turns out that you won't be spending 24/7 in a cage with a cactus up your butt, for example. There will be times when your Master will get on your fucking nerves and you'll snap at him. There will be times you totally drop the ball and, instead of punishing you in the sexy way, he'll just be plain upset with you. It's not a fantasy, it's reality and it can get tough.

Next, and I'm not kidding, write a list of your wants, needs, limits and hopes. A physical pen and paper list that you can't edit. I know it sounds like self-help book bullshit but it's important to go into it knowing your own mind. The reason I say write a list instead of just thinking about it, is when you start getting caught up in feelings, you have something to reference back to when your judgement might be clouded – the patterns in the brain when someone is experiencing love-adjacent emotions are almost identical to somebody suffering with a psychotic disorder! Giving yourself a sound-minded reference point is really helpful, I promise.

That wanky sounding list is particularly helpful if you slip into the pitfall of romanticising darkness. I've seen some horrendously toxic D/s relationships in my time and it usually stems back to this gross idea that it's okay for the Dom to be a manipulative, controlling jerk or for the sub to be a needy emotional vampire. If either of you are causing unhappiness for the other, don't fall into the "it's a fiery, sexy thing, it's not that bad!" trap. It's supposed to make you feel confident and safe and happy. You should be able to navigate tough times with openness and love, not with emotional warfare. D/s relationships shouldn't ever be used as a shroud for abuse. Be good to each other and if you can't, leave.

Final important pointer: communication. I know it's something we all talk about a lot, but I must reiterate it as many times as I can. You've already sat down and had a good think about what your wants and needs are, so you need to be willing to be open about it. It's another common misconception that the slave shouldn't really have any input about what they're expected to do or what isn't okay, or that the Dom absolutely can't approach new and exciting things that might not have been an initial interest. Communication and standing your ground is crucial so the relationship can evolve and grow in a healthy way. Get into the habit of asking "Am I making you happy, honestly?" to him. (Also, to everyone close to you, just showing concern for being a good friend/partner/son is such a wonderful way of expressing how important the person is to you)

The long term, meaningful D/s relationships I've had throughout my life have always started with relatively pedestrian conversation. When I receive "HI SIR AM SLAVE LOOKING 4 MASTER" messages, I ignore them. When I receive a thoughtful, funny, human message, I reply. You're looking for something more substantial than a hook up, so you need to show your prospective Master that you're a human being with your own thoughts and opinions – there is nothing duller, in the long term, than a robotic, obsequious slave. A good Dom will want you to inspire them and there's no inspiration to be found in awkward small talk. Be upfront in what you're looking for on your profile and don't be disheartened if you don't get a reply from everyone. Don't pester people who haven't replied – there's nothing worse than being badgered and it immediately flags you up as the stressful, needy type of slave.

It might seem too forward for some, but I've always loved when someone gets to the "I'd love to take you out for a coffee, Sir" relatively quickly once a good conversation has been struck up between the both of you. Offer to take them out and ask them where they'd like to go – a little deference from the beginning goes a long way. When it comes to meeting, show up on time, hold the door open for Sir, make an effort to be as charming and talkative as you were online and for fucks sake SMILE. If I meet a prospective new slave and they're quiet, subdued and a bit miserable looking, I lose interest. He's given you a stage to capture his imagination: get it done! You've got this.

If you'd like to ask our Uncle of Agony for advice relating to your fetishes and kinks – either with your username or anonymous - please send your question FAO: Uncle of Agony to: social@recon.com