I Love Television

Allow Me to Fascinate You

Look, I get it. I'm not the most popular guy in the world. But with the people I am popular with—I'm INSANELY popular. For example: women's prisons. They love me in women's prisons. I'm just as big with the "lazy inebriate" set. And the "people who have lost the will to live" demographic also holds me in the highest regard.

So why am I furiously envious? Because apparently my "Barbara Walters" popularity numbers have crapped the bed! GOD!! WHOSE TRUMPET DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO IMPRESS THIS OLD BIDDY??

Every year, Walters releases her "Most Fascinating People" list, and every year I'M NOT ON IT. Babs will be interviewing her picks in the exhaustingly entitled Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 on Wednesday, December 14, on ABC at 9:30 p.m.—but what kidnaps and decapitates my goat is that the people she chose are waaaaaaay less "fascinating" than yours truly!

Example! Instead of me, Walters chose Donald Trump. WHAT?? Donald didn't do jack poop in 2011 except make an ass out of himself in an aborted run for the GOP presidential nomination! You know what I did in 2011? I tongue-wrestled two Swedish exchange students in the backseat of a stolen police car. WHICH IS MORE FASCINATING?

Another example! Babs also picked Pippa Middleton—who is like... what? British or something? Granted, their crooked, jumbled teeth and love for pornographic foods (bangers 'n' mash, spotted dick) are somewhat fascinating... but is it more fascinating than me buck naked, riding a donkey through Hot Topic at the mall? (Taken out of context, that sounds weird—but trust me! I had a very good reason. I think.)

Barbara Walters also fingered Simon Cowell... who's only fascinating because he's British AND a spotted dick. However! I'd wager my 2011 was more fascinating because I was arrested for fistfighting a jaguar at the zoo. (Bitch started it.)

Oh, and another good example: Barbara chose the two gay guys from Modern Family—who... NEWS FLASH!... are not real. They're TV characters! You know what else is fascinating? People like me who can distinguish between real and fictional characters—unless we're talking about the cast of Twilight, of course. THOSE GUYS ARE REAL, YO! (And for some reason never return my love. Sob.)

But the absolute WORST example? Walters also thinks THE KARDASHIANS are "fascinating." IS SHE INSANE?? There is absolutely nothing interesting about these ugly, wet, moldy bags of insanely wealthy laundry! All they do is sit around on their bony rich asses all day, dreaming up new and increasingly cruel ways of boring the crap out of us. I'd compare them to genital herpes, but I don't want to get angry, offended letters from genital warts! The Kardashians have built an entire fabulously wealthy kingdom out of nothing more than the ability to worm their way into our collective anus, set up shop in our upper colon, and gorge themselves on our anger. And... and... okay, fine. That's pretty fascinating.

But is it as fascinating as me eating five boxes of Totino's pizza rolls in one sitting? Suck on that piece of colon, Kardashians!