Amethyst

Amethyst’s properties are soothing the mind and emotions and opening up psychic awareness, which our current administration appears to need desperately. It activates the third eye chakra, the chakra of reflection and introspection. Again, something our administration is currently lacking. It relieves stress and soothes and is supposed to stop sadness and grief. Using your new psychic powers you can get a jump start on overcoming the sadness and grief that millions of Americans will have if the Affordable Care Act is repealed. Or just predict your own death.

Lapis Lazuli

Lapis helps sift through confusion and emotional blocks and get to the root problems and issues. It stimulates wisdom and good judgement which people that have nuclear codes should possess. Slip this into the pocket of your local congressperson. According to this hippie website, lapis can also help with auditions so clearly Trump has this shit sewn into his underwear. Lapis Lazuli, with its vibrations accessing the deep and purest truth and promoting of bonds of love and friendship, will help you find a rich person who will share some of their insurance with you. That’s how trickle down healthcare works, right? Sorry, everyone, it’s just that healthcare is so complicated. Who knew? It can also help with migraines, allegedly.

Moldavite

This rare stone is only found in Czechoslovakia (so Bannon will love it because it’s a stone of white people) and is used to get in touch with extraterrestrials. While you have them on the line, can you have them come save us? If you feel heat when holding it, it’s working, so be sure to concentrate and open your heart chakra to the universal truth. It’s a highly protective stone, so use it to create a force field around yourself as you PLUNGE ITS SPIKES RIGHT INTO TRUMP’S HEART CHAKRA.

According to Raven Crystals, which I used as my primary resource, Moldavite works in the following way:

What is occurring is that each cell of your body, being its own cosmos, reacts to the stone, and when there are imperfections in the cellular system, it is crossed into by the energy of the Moldavite. And since it is of the potency that it is of the creative Source, it goes to the source of the imbalance or disease, seeking to re-establish the vibration of wholeness or perfection.

Republicans will probably accuse it of being Actinolite Lite.

Jasper

The stone is called the Supreme Nurturer according to very unlikely sources. This is an ideal grounding stone, especially if you’re doing deep trancework and meditation. If you’re looking to keep calm during the Great Anxiety, this is a great stone to count on. It’s elementally an Earth stone, meaning it’s metaphysically weighty and actually weighty. An ideal stone to chuck at the heads of fascists and Right Wingers alike!

Actinolite

Actinolite shields rather than grounds. It heals both the mind and body. It takes a holistic approach to health, something that is not going to be covered by Pissbabycare. It’s a stone affiliated with the sign of Scorpio, so I think we can all agree this stone is powerful like a motherfucker. The balance is not just like soothing but eerie. An eerie, dark calm that moves over water right before sharks attack. That’s Actinolite, a stealthy, calculating shark rock. This rock moves out everything that doesn’t serve you and operates like a antiviral. So if you’re going to work with it, be sure to add a companion stone to replace some of the energies you clean out, much like voting in better candidates in your local election. Actinolite can reduce the frequency of asbestos-related tumors which is handy and oddly specific.

Covellite

Covellite is a stone that cleans the blocked energies in your DNA (which sounds about as real and useful as this voucher system so it’s impressive senators haven’t suggested this already). It helps you recover past lives so that you can see that America was never great, and it’s laughable that it will somehow be great again. Covellite may be helpful for the treatment of cancer because cancer is created by blocked energies and defunded healthcare programs. I recommend harnessing Covellite’s power, showing up on your local Republican politician’s lawn, and building a wall around the politician because trying to tell them anything is futile. Also bonus! You no longer have cancer, maybe.

Aquamarine

Aquamarine rules the heart and throat chakras and facilitates clear communication. This will be helpful when you concisely inform people endorsing this bullshit plan how many iphones it takes to afford healthcare in America. You’ll have the power of the emotional and empathic water element to hold Paul Ryan’s adorable face in your hands and say, “Your tax credit is nonsense you should feel badly about protecting the rich and corporate greed over the average American. Also, you fundamentally misunderstand the point of Rage Against the Machine. You are the machine. You have always been the machine. Your hair makes you look like Big Boy.” Aquamarine is healing for skin conditions and you can make it into an elixir but since our water is poison it might be more cost effective to just die.

Petrified Dog Turd

This probably has mystical properties right? Sure, you don’t want to shell out actual cash for this but if you’re given a crystal voucher this is probably the sort of crystal you could afford. This is still a better option than Pissbabycare because you don’t have healthcare but you do have fertilizer.

Fetal Tissue Dipped in Resin

Since Planned Parenthood is going to be defunded, you know all that fetal tissue is going to be cheap. A veritable going-out-of-business sale. BUY BUY BUY. With tiny fetal ears hanging from your own ears, and various preserved organs made into a crown, you might get healthcare out of inspiring pure fear. Unless you’re someone who is pregnant or can get pregnant because you’re SOL. You’ll probably just be burned as a witch but your Etsy store is gonna take off.

Driveway Gravel

As part of the Republican Crystal Voucher Program, this plan is cost effective for those who cannot afford fancy crystals. These crystals probably won’t help you discover your past lives or cleanse your DNA or get you in touch with extraterrestrials, however they will look really nice on the side of a road. Or in your driveway. You also could keep them in a pouch to ward off ghosts and attackers. But think of all those state’s rights.

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About The Author

Lauren Parker is a writer based in Oakland. A harbinger of chaos, she spends most of her time hunched over her computer working on her podcast, GLOW the Distance. She has written for the Toast, Harlot Magazine, the Tusk, Ravishly, Main Street Rag, and plain china. You can follow her on twitter @laurenink and online at www.laureneparker.com and patreon.com/laurenparker