Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ok, maybe a tad melodramatic, but if you haven't noticed yet, I like to title my posts after song lyrics. Good ol' Nirvana.

Anyway, I'm a big believer in making things have meaning. I think that if something bad happens to you and you can't extract some sort of meaning or lesson out of it, you'll never completely move on from it. I've struggled with depression for 16 years. It's a mental illness, yes, but it's also a disease. Mine, to the best of my doctor's knowledge, is strictly chemical. I liken it to diabetes. A diabetic's blood sugar goes up and down, causes mental and physical problems when it does and they take pills or insulin daily to keep the levels stable. So do I. My seratonin (mainly) levels can fluctuate and cause me mental and physical problems and I take a pill a day to keep them stable. When I recovered from my first episode, which took nearly 2 years, I had some difficulty dealing with what I had been through. It took a really long time for me to accept it all and to realize it had changed me. Then I had a choice. I could wallow that it happened or I could use it for me. Now by no means am I saying it was easy, but I chose to see it like this: it happened and I can't go back and make it not happen. This is me now so let's work with it. I decided to turn what was probably the worst experience/years of my life into a positive. I believe now that I went through hell.....and believe me, it was HELL....so that I could help other people going through it now. To me it gives it meaning. It didn't just happen and ruin my life. I've talked to countless people in the last decade about depression. Trying to offer support, help and just be there for them. If I've managed to help a single person feel like they aren't alone and someone does understand what they're going through, well then it was all worth it.

Wow, that was long winded. But I do have a point. I've been asked by people who know how I view things what I can possibly take out of my breakup. It came out of nowhere, I thought we were completely in love and happy and, admittedly, when I found out what had been going on, it was like a punch in the face. With a shovel.

What can I possibly take out of that as a positive? This.

Always trust your gut. Since early August I had been saying to my closest friends that something wasn't right. At times, he seemed like a stranger to me. He even sounded different. I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him to find out what it was but all he'd say was he was tired and stressed. Well he'd been that for our entire relationship. Something had changed, something was different, something had happened. I didn't know what. I still don't, really. But I knew in my gut, in my heart and in my soul that something was wrong.

And I, sadly, was right.

Ladies, when you know something, I mean truly KNOW that things just aren't the same, trust it. I've always believed in intuition. Not women's intuition. MY intuition. If you can't trust your gut, what can you trust? Don't let anyone, especially the object of your intuition tell you otherwise. Look for answers, ask questions, but trust in yourself always. You know more than you think.

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Owned - I had almost forgotten that while here, with him, I was HIS plaything. I was OWNED by him. We had discussed this. I knew the rules. I must not forget again.

The sheer indecency of what we are doing - Is he looking for what I’m looking for? Surely so—all men want that, don’t they? A flaming succubus that comes only in the dark to bring unworldly pleasures and leave behind strange lingering dreams that spice their dutiful daytime lives.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

To everyone who has commented here, im'ed, pm'ed, emailed and otherwise contacted me about this blog. It means so much to me that it's somehow touching the people who've read it. That's what I was really hoping it would do. That maybe someone out there would recognize a bit of themselves in here and feel comforted that someone else has gone through the same fucked up bullshit haha.

But seriously, the kind words have really had an impact on me and helped get me through the last few weeks. I'm not ready yet to reveal any of the details of my breakup just yet, but I will be posting more ramblings and potential chapters soon.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I used to say that I wasn't the girl guys dated. I was the girl guys cheated with. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of in my life and yes, I've been the other woman. It doesn't matter why or how or anything else, really. I did it.

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a really weird week. It never occurred to me when I started writing that my last chapter would have an ending. I'm sad for the loss of my relationship. At one point, I might've used the word devastated. It came out of nowhere, to me at least. I've wondered if I was being naive or just in love. Is there even a difference? Either way, while I am sad, I've decided to simply look back fondly at the fun, silly and happy times we had. I still care. Pesky feelings and not having a switch to turn them off and on. But like I said, I'm just going to look back fondly and be happy for the time we had together. I'm a much different person than I was at the beginning of the year. Happier, freer, and much more at peace with myself and he was instrumental in all of it. For that, I will always be grateful.

I haven't done much writing since it happened. I'm quite curious as to how it's going to affect my position and view point on the subjects I haven't tackled yet. I guess we'll find out together....

Monday, September 13, 2010

One of the worst parts right now is that he had become such a huge part of my life and I miss that. We were always friends first and as much as it hurts right now to not have my boyfriend and lover, it hurts worse to not have my friend. When anything happened, good or bad, he had become my go to person. So many times in the last few days, I've seen or heard something and thought to myself, "Oh man, I should totally text him this." But I can't. Or at least I don't feel like I can yet.

We had our first communication today. Nothing significant but it kind of made me feel better to get it out of the way. Like, up to that point, it felt like I had this huge black cloud hanging over my head. Now it's only gray.

I miss him. I know I shouldn't say that but it's true. I mean, short of finding out you're in love with a serial killer, feelings don't just go away. It would be so much easier if they did. I still love him. I'm angry and hurt but I still love him.

I'm waiting to get answers. It's probably going to be a little longer due to some unfortunate circumstances. That really sucks on a few levels. I want to find out where we stand. I mean, I know we're over. How can we not be? But I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that can be salvaged. Honestly, I hope so. I hope when we talk, he's honest with me. I'll know if he's not. But I'm hoping against hope right now that he'll be honest and tell me everything so, at some point, we can be friends.

So one day, when I think, "Oh man, I should totally text him this.", I can and will.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

So it seems I may have written my last post a little too soon, I'm sorry to say. I had intended to post something everything but the last few day have been not good. There will be more to come when I'm a better place emotionally. Many thanks to everyone who has been watching my back and taking care of me, I love you guys.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Turns out it's not as simple as that after all. I've discovered a lot of things about myself since I started writing my book and I thought I was prepared to do it. As it turns out, I was wrong. In my initial excitement, I never really considered a possible downside. I expected to write it all out while reminiscing about good times and bad, laughter and tears and things that I had gotten over years ago. As I'm learning now, being able to look back at something without being sad or angry or upset doesn't mean you're over it. I'm realizing now how many things I thought I was over still affect me in my life today. The biggest one being, that as much as I can laugh at my exes and blame them for our breakups and say how much better off I am now, the truth is deep down, I've always blamed myself. I would never consciously admit it, but I've always felt like I was never good enough because if I had've been...well, maybe I wouldn't have so many exes.

The other thing I've discovered is how much shame I have over certain things. Shame for things I let happen to me, that I wouldn't or couldn't put an end to and because of that, I have trust and self esteem issues today. If only I knew then what I know now...

I'm a really open person. No conversation topic is off limits with me and I don't embarrass easily. But after spending so much time looking back lately, there's a lot of things I've kept hidden, even from my closest friends. Someone once told me that shame thrives in the darkness and dissipates in the light. I think it's time I exposed my shame.

By no means am I doing this is a 'poor me' way. I know there, unfortunately, are countless women out there who have dealt with much worse and I admire and applaud them for their bravery in surviving. I'm just hoping that by getting these things out, some after 20 years, that maybe I can finally put my demons behind me.

This is by far that hardest thing I've ever tried to write. Here goes...

My very first boyfriend, P, cheated on my several times over roughly 2 years. I remember three excuses he gave me. "I was drunk." "Look at her body, how could I turn her down?" "She was prettier than you."

I thought that S really cared about me. It turned out I was a game to him. That he could find any girl and convince her he was falling for her. He did.

B used to tell me I needed to lose weight and how embarrassed he was to be seen with someone so fat. While he hit me.

K left me after nearly 4 years for a girl who was nearly 400lbs.

K2 would never admit we were together. Despite the fact that for all intents and purposes we were. Again, for nearly 4 years. Until the day he came to my house, just before my birthday, to tell me he had a girlfriend. Then asked if he could bring her to my party.

J found me at my lowest point. He told me everything I needed to hear, how beautiful and sexy and worthwhile I was. He also had a girlfriend. He strung me along for months ending it then coming back to me. Always saying the right thing until my self esteem was dependent on him. He would never admit to anyone that we were even friends in case his gf got suspicious. He got off on trying to turn me into a whore for his amusement. One night I actually had his cock in my mouth then 2 hours later I was hugging his gf upon meeting her. He made me feel like the scum of the earth. It finally ended when I found out through a mutual friend that he had proposed to his gf.

J2 flirted with me for a long time before we got together. He made me feel like he loved me, inside and out. Then I found out he had a girlfriend since we first met. Who was 5 months pregnant.

I've been writing this for over an hour now. So many things I've deleted only to retype them. This is everything. Everything I've kept hidden from subsequent boyfriends, everything I've buried, everything I've denied and everything I've even lied to myself about having happened. As soon as I hit publish, it's all gong to be out there for the world to see. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But keeping it all inside for the last 20 years damn sure hasn't helped me any. Here's hoping exposing it to the light really does make it dissipate.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Love scares the shit out of me. I just finished saying this to my boyfriend. I am crazy in love with him. More than I'm comfortable with really, but it can't be helped. Love seldom can be. I have absolutely no power or control over it here and that terrifies me.

We've had some issues lately. Our own and together. It's been hard and painful for both of us. Is pain the greatest indicator of love? Nothing so completely convinces us of our state of heart like pain. Without it we'd never know the depths that we love, the extremes that we'll go to obtain and hold on to it. To love is to open yourself up completely to another person. To let them into the deepest, darkest recesses of our minds, souls and hearts. The places that we hide from the world, the places where we hide from the world. For someone with trust issues, like yours truly, it's the hardest thing in the world to do. Yet I've done it.

Because not loving him is an even scarier prospect.

P.S. I've just discovered S4lem. I think I'm in love. I just hope they don't break my heart.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I was 20 at the time and he was 21. We'd been dating for about a year and a half by that point and would be together for a little over two more. We had met through a mutual friend and hit it off...much to the mutual friend's chagrin. But I'll get to that later.

We had a blissful life together...for the first year. After that, the honeymoon was definitely over. To be fair, we had some tough circumstances to deal with. I had gotten sick, and would be, for over a year and it was hard on him. Hard on us. By that time, his parents (Mom and Step-Dad) had decided that the fact he wasn't working or in college was my fault as I was clearly a bad influence on him and, in order for him to get his act together, he should go live with his Dad and Step-Mom. I've always believed it had less to do with that and more to do with getting him as far away from me as possible. They lived nearly an hour away, but for two kids without cars, it might as well have been another planet. I was crushed...on the surface. Inside, I was secretly thrilled. I loved him, don't get me wrong, but we needed a change and absence does make the heart grow fonder, right? At least that's what we told ourselves in between sob fests as we cursed the heartlessness of everyone for doing this to us. Deep down, I was relieved. As much as I loved our time together, I needed my own space and I (we) had not yet reached that point of emotional maturity where I could admit that. To him or to myself. Back then, to not want to be with him every second of every day simply had to mean I didn't love or want to be with him anymore. That was simply unacceptable to me. So I kept it to myself and hoped our new arrangement, seeing each other every or every other weekend would give us back the spark I felt we had lost. Oh yeah, did I mention we were no longer having sex? Unfortunate side effect of my illness and, later, of the medication to treat it. So yeah, we were in rough shape...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I've been reading a lot about polyamory lately. As someone who has always been the 'jealous type', I've never believed it was something I could ever handle. I'm still not sure I could, but I do understand my feelings about it now. My jealousy issues have stemmed from the fact that I've been cheated on a number of times. That's nothing unusual, how many people haven't cheated or been cheated on at some point? But while reading and thinking about it, I've come to realize that I blame myself for the demise of every significant relationship I've ever been in. Anytime I was ever cheated on and had a boyfriend break up with me, I'd get angry and upset. Both very natural reactions. I'm seeing now though, that not all of my anger was at them. I would be angry at myself for somehow not being good enough to make them stay with me. Terrible, I know and if it got out I'm sure I'd be lynched by some pissed off feminists, but it's true. I've mentioned before that I'm currently in a relationship. What I didn't mention is that, for the first time in my life, I'm just being myself. I've always felt I had to be whoever the guy wanted me to be. That no one would want me as a saw myself: a freak. I had fantasies and desires I was positive would make any sane man run screaming from me. So for 20 years, I faked it. Then as soon as I reached a point where I felt like I was too damn old to be faking anymore, I met a man who loves me for me. That makes me believe that I'm enough. That anything is possible.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I'd love some :) Seriously, I'd love to know what you guys think so don't be shy! Especially if you find something has a familiar feel to you. For one, I'd appreciate knowing I have some sort of audience out there lol. And for two, it'd be nice to know this crazy shit doesn't only happen to me! :D

So first, a little about myself. I'm not a doctor or therapist or any sort of 'expert'. As Gwen Stefani once said, I'm Just A Girl. A girl who has had the good fortune (misfortune?) to have met some truly wonderful guys who just happened to live anywhere from 1000-5000 miles away from me. Since I was 20 years old, I have been in....count them....FIVE long distance relationships, four of which initiated through the internet. The trials and tribulations of all of them will be recounted in this book along with the countless tips and lessons I've learned along the way.

It's a brave new world out there. An age where people text each other from two rooms away and where meeting over coffee has turned into instant messaging from internet cafes in different time zones. It's a cyber world of chat programs, social networking, message boards and dating sites 'promising' to find you a soulmate in 30 days or you get the next month free! But it's a double edged sword. Sure, there's the instant gratification factor and the chance to get to know people on the other side of the world you probably wouldn't otherwise but the price for that has been the personal experience. Yeah, it's nice to be able to look at your potential dating options in one neat, tidy inbox or buddy list. It's also nice to meet face to face, to feel that immediate tingle of attraction and that vibe that tells us if this person is a potential mate. Is one better or worse? Right or wrong? That's up to you to decide. I'm just here to tell you what I did in those situations and hopefully inspire a laugh, a tear or a 'whew, sure glad that wasn't me!'.

I've never dated a guy or been in a relationship where at some point I didn't say to myself, "boy, it would be nice if someone wrote a handbook about this stuff". Even more in long distance relationships and even more in internet relationships. Well, someone did. Like, I said, I'm by no means any sort of expert. Just a girl who's been through it all more than a few times. I may not always know what to do, but in a lot of instances, I've sure learned what NOT to do. It took me twenty years to learn from my mistakes. Maybe someone reading this will be a quicker study than I was.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

No, not that. Ok, that but also this....does a relationship need to have an Ultimate Goal?

I'm going to be filling this blog with chapters of my book that I've already completed and probably write new ones here. I'm also going to be rambling about the various ideas and thoughts that pop into my head. This is one of those times...

So yeah. Is an ultimate goal necessary to have a successful relationship? Well, I guess that depends on what you view as a success. I mean, it's obviously a good idea to know what you want out of a relationship and life as a whole. Be it marriage, companionship, kids or hot sex, you should know what it is you're ultimately hoping to accomplish. Or not accomplish as the case may be.

Society tells us we should want to find a nice person to settle down with, buy a cute house and have 2.3 kids. Granted things have changed. It's much more accepted for those 2.3 kids have 2.0 mommies or daddies today than ever before and couples in common law relationships (living together but not married) share most of the same right as married people. I know there's plenty of people out there who feel marriage isn't right for them, but does a relationship need a significant milestone to be complete?

I was like most young girls. I would daydream all the time about my perfect wedding. The dress I wanted, where it would be, I even had a date picked out. I wanted it all....except the marriage part. I still don't, really. I also don't want to have kids so I've eliminated 2 relationships goals right there.

I think I tend to believe, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But let's take it a step further. What if you not only don't plan on marrying or having kids but also don't feel the need to move in together. Can a relationship last indefinitely as boyfriend and girlfriend? Some people say if you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards. Well, what if you just want to stand still? I'd never thought about it before. In every relationship I've been in over the last 20 years, I always assumed there had to come a point where you 'took things to the next level', whatever that meant in that situation. Honestly, the idea of not having to ever be more than I am right now is somewhat freeing to me. No pressure which means no feeling like a failure somehow for not wanting what the world says I should.

I have no idea if I'll change my mind on all this one day. Maybe 5 years from now I'll be pregnant and walking down the aisle. I somehow doubt it, but you never know. For now, I'll be enjoying it all as it comes to me while I stand still.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

But I figured until the book is done, I'll start a blog. Something of a pre-book, if you will. Mostly this will act as my not-so-private journal as I recall my experiences with long distance relationships and internet dating, reflect on what I've learned and think out loud about my current relationship.

I'll be updating this regularly with tidbits from my everyday life and snippets that will be in my book. This is where I'm planning to do all my brainstorming and first drafting so expect a lot cursing and debating on whether something is too graphic to recount.

So then, a little about myself....I'm a 34 year old woman with a significant domination streak who's been around the block a time or three. I'm currently in a LDR with an amazing man who lives roughly 1500 miles away from. We are extremely happy and in love. How is that possible? How does that work? Does it work at all?