September 10, 2008

Affairs of the...SELF

Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, states that 60% of men and 40% of women cheat at some point in their marriage. Vaughan says, "But those numbers are probably much lower than reality because spouses define affairs differently...survey answers may be skewed by how questions are phrased." So what is an "affair?" Webster defines it as "a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration." They key word here is "passionate" which could be defined in many ways. My mother used to say to my father "don't let the church become your mistress." I didn't understand this as a child, but boy do I get it now...

Myth #2: An affair is a physical, sexual relationship outside the context of marriage

Robert and Rosemary Barnes wrote a book entitled Great Sexpectations. In it, they define an affair this way: "anything that takes priority over the marriage relationship can constitute an affair". Their rationale behind this definition is that according to scripture, when a couple enters into a covenant of marriage, they are committing to "become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:23) This passage clearly refers to the physical, but the real emphasis is intimacy beyond the sexual. Ultimately, what this passage is saying is that it is God's design for the marriage relationship to be the most intimate human relationship we have. That's why anything that prevents both relational and sexual intimacy from occurring can constitute as an affair.

Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of things that motivate a spouse to violate the marriage intimacy by getting involved in a nonsexual affair. Ultimately though, all of the reasons can be boiled down to one ugly word: SELFISHNESS. To be completely intimate with someone else requires that we be selfless. In other words, it means that we must be willing to seek our spouse's happiness before our own. If we aren't willing to do that, what we end up doing is pursuing another person's happiness: our own. The selfless approach in marriage can and usually leads to a deeper and deeper intimacy. The selfish approach continually violates intimacy and never leads to a more fulfilling relationship.

According to the Barnes, there are several things we can have "affairs" with that are just as damaging to the marriage as a sexual affair. Take a look at the list and do some introspection:

1. Money. One of the biggest temptations today is the "money mistress". Anyone who becomes intoxicated by money, even if it is so that the family can have the things they want, runs the risk of prioritizing it above their marriage.

2. Power. Many spouses lust for power and end up abandoning their homes to serve on boards or committees in an effort to find the fulfillment they lack at home.

3. Relationships. Some spouses make their primary relationship a friend or a child. These relationships from the outside looking in don't seem abnormal, however, if they supersede the marital relationship they most definitely can impede the kind of intimacy God intended

The Bible is clear about the marriage relationship in Ephesians 5:24-26: (The Message)

"Wives,
understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for
Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does
to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the
church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should
likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands,
go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the
church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the
church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says
is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling
white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to
love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're
already "one" in marriage."

Go back and read that verse again, and again. If we can grasp this, statistics would change dramatically. Hearts would change. SELFLESSNESS would replace Selfishness. I'm convicted.