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Would this bother you?

My best friend is getting married in about a month. Him and his girlfriend are both from the east coast, but have lived here in Oregon for a few years now. They're going back east to have a big wedding. I would say that I am pretty good friends with his girlfriend also.

I didn't get invited. Let me be honest, I didn't want to go, nor could I afford to. I don't like weddings and I don't like traveling. And I don't know anybody else over there.

But it still bothers me a WHOLE LOT that I didn't get invited. It's my best friend's wedding. We had a bit of a fight about it, and he said it was because he knew I couldn't afford the plane ticket. I didn't like that answer but I accepted it. Shouldn't he have invited me anyway?

Come to find out, he invited several other friends that live over here. Even worse I find out the plane ticket he is talking about is only about $350. Do I have $350 laying around? No. Would I come up with it if my best friend wanted me at his wedding? Abso-fucking-lutely. These other friends he invited might be doing a little better than me financially, but they aren't rich either.

I thought he considered me his best friend also, but after this I have a lot of trouble believing that anymore. We've gone through a lot of serious shit together, we are more than just friends. I don't ever plan on having a wedding but I'd like to think if I wanted him at some big life event he would be there, without even having to ask.

Would you be upset about this? Am I over reacting? Would you get him a gift anyway? I heard there was going to be some kind of party here afterwards for the friends who didn't get to go, but I don't think I want to go. As of yet, I haven't been invited to that either....

Re: Would this bother you?

This might sound odd, but in a way, he might feel that he's being quite considerate, knowing your financial situation, and not wanting to put you in a "tight spot", and possibly having to refuse his invitation, just because of the bucks involved. He doesn't know what you just told "Us".

I, too, have friends that now have kids getting married that consider me an "Uncle" of theirs. When my buddy's daughter was getting married, in California, he kindly asked if I could afford to make that trip, and asked, quite nicely, if I wanted to be invited, or not.

I didn't take that as a "slight", in any way, and was grateful for his approach to the situation.

Of course, I'm only guessing at your friend's intentions. The question is ... what would YOU like to do, and is there a way you can let him know about it?

Something along the lines of, "Though I can't really afford it, I definitely want to be there for You anyway?"

Just a thought. It's up to You to let him Know that you're putting him above the money question.

He might Think he's doing you a favor. There must be a way to let him Know that YOU are willing to do Him the favor!

Wishing You all the Very Best!

And, quite Seriously ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

WISDOM is the Knowledge you've gained ... After you could have used it!_Me

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by Kyanimal

This might sound odd, but in a way, he might feel that he's being quite considerate, knowing your financial situation, and not wanting to put you in a "tight spot", and possibly having to refuse his invitation, just because of the bucks involved.

That is what he basically tried to tell me, but I have trouble accepting it. I may not have extra money laying around but I'm getting by ok, he's seen me blow more than $350 on things that are much less important. When he tried to explain that to me I thought the ticket was more like $600-700, which would hurt a lot more financially. Just as an example, his other friend who he did invite, was unemployed at the time of invitation, (Has a new job now) and is currently having some financial issues after getting a DUI. He still lives with his parents at 24. But he's got money for a plane ticket...

I am very conflicted because I don't want to be mad if that really was the reason he didn't invite me, it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. He's stirring up other issues that I have regarding the fact that I don't think I'd ever be doing anything like getting married, but I can't blame him for that.

Re: Would this bother you?

I went through this same thing with my friends getting married and didn't get invited. I was upset about it just like you are, especially because I was the one who essentially got them together in the first place. After a few weeks or so I just got over it and said they weren't as good friends as I thought and probably didn't have enough money to pay for a lot of people at their wedding.

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by secondmonkey

Let me be honest, I didn't want to go, nor could I afford to. I don't like weddings and I don't like traveling. And I don't know anybody else over there.

Because of all these reasons...I would be jumping for joy for not being invited if I were you. He is considerate enough of not forcing you to do things that you wouldn't want to do. If he had invited you, you would say no to him anyway.

Re: Would this bother you?

I would not make a big deal of it, just let it go. I sure you have more important things to deal with than this.

And I would suggest you send him a modest gift within your budget, be the better man over this. In the end you will feel better on how you handled it and a better person in the end. He will be left thinking if he made a mistake in the end.

So congratulatory card and a gift card of $50.00---$100.00 should be enough.

The more you dwell on this the more it's going to stew and make it worse..

Be a good human and let it go.....

You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

Re: Would this bother you?

It's difficult not making something of this. An invite is not a summons and it's not up to the host to determine who is and is not financially able to attend an event. For the host, it's merely the cost of the invite and a stamp to let someone know that they're important. If other friends were invited and I was not, I'd make the assumption that I wasn't welcomed to attend. I'm curious to know if this was discussed with you before or after the invitations were sent.

Invitation etiquette aside, it's up to you to let this go and more on. If you have lingering feelings they ought to be dealt with and not stuffed, which will just lead to future resentments. In the end, it's not about us; it's about you. Some people let everything roll off their backs; some let nothing escape them.

I'd be hurt more than angry. I'd let my friend know that and I'd move on. I'd send a respectable, not an over the top gift.

I'd be pissed if I wasn't invited to the local reception and question if my friend still wished to remain friends.

Is homophobia on his part or her part playing a role here? If so, dump him.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: Would this bother you?

Maybe it's a Texas thing, but it's really kind of rude not to invite a good friend to your wedding. Even if you know they can't or don't want to attend, you just say "of course we want you there but don't feel obligated if you'd rather not..."

I don't see how it's being considerate not to say some variant of that and just not invite your friend, then not mention it until he brings it up. To me that would appear like he didn't want me there, and didn't want to tell me why especially since the other friends got invited.

If he's so worried that you can't afford airfare, then he can't be upset when you send him a nice $2.00 card and not fine china.

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by secondmonkey

My best friend is getting married in about a month. Him and his girlfriend are both from the east coast, but have lived here in Oregon for a few years now. They're going back east to have a big wedding. I would say that I am pretty good friends with his girlfriend also.

I didn't get invited. Let me be honest, I didn't want to go, nor could I afford to. I don't like weddings and I don't like traveling. And I don't know anybody else over there.

But it still bothers me a WHOLE LOT that I didn't get invited. It's my best friend's wedding. We had a bit of a fight about it, and he said it was because he knew I couldn't afford the plane ticket. I didn't like that answer but I accepted it. Shouldn't he have invited me anyway?

Come to find out, he invited several other friends that live over here. Even worse I find out the plane ticket he is talking about is only about $350. Do I have $350 laying around? No. Would I come up with it if my best friend wanted me at his wedding? Abso-fucking-lutely. These other friends he invited might be doing a little better than me financially, but they aren't rich either.

I thought he considered me his best friend also, but after this I have a lot of trouble believing that anymore. We've gone through a lot of serious shit together, we are more than just friends. I don't ever plan on having a wedding but I'd like to think if I wanted him at some big life event he would be there, without even having to ask.

Would you be upset about this? Am I over reacting? Would you get him a gift anyway? I heard there was going to be some kind of party here afterwards for the friends who didn't get to go, but I don't think I want to go. As of yet, I haven't been invited to that either....

I'm sorry but he doesn't sound like a best friend to me. What kind of friend, let alone a best friend, doesn't invite his fellow best friend to his wedding. I don't think you're over-reacting at all, because I too would be offended and upset at this obvious insult. If it were me, I would ignore him until he realised the error of his ways, and if he failed to respond to that gesture, then I think it would be time to end the friendship altogether, or whatever remains of it at this point.

Re: Would this bother you?

I would be upset too. If you are considered a good friend by him, then, at the very least, they should have sent you an invitation. Whether you can attend or not is not their problem. I feel that the gesture of an invitation would have been the reasonable thing to do in their part even if they knew that you may not be able to attend. They most certainly, in my opinion, drop the ball on this matter.

Re: Would this bother you?

I agree with all the people who have said that you do have legitimate reasons to be upset, or even angry.

Even if your so-called friend knows that you are not in the best financial position imaginable, inviting you wouldn't have cost him anything. Unless his invitations were made out of solid gold, he didn't have any reasons to exclude you, especially since, as you have said, people who are in a very similar financial situation as you have been invited. That is a matter of elementary courtesy, and not inviting you was not just atrociously rude, but downright unkind - especially if the one excluding you from the event is your "best friend".

Moreover, the fact that he has tried to deviously turn everything around and convince you that he has done it in your best interest, shows that he doesn't really care that much for you. Is he so sensitive that he could not take a "thank you very much for inviting me, but sadly I cannot attend. Nevertheless, I wish for your wedding to be a very happy event. Congratulations!"? I seriously doubt it, given his treatment of you.

I agree with Seasoned - send them a moderately priced gift as an act of decency, and move on. And, by move on, I mean distance yourself from these "friends" and look for somebody better. Or at least somebody who is considerate enough to treat you like a person whose feelings matter, even if they know that your circumstances might not make it possible for you to attend very important moments in their lives, which they would normally want to share with their loved ones - including their best friend.

Finally, I am sorry that this has happened to you. It must be painful and no one deserves to be made to feel deliberately rejected by someone they trust.

Re: Would this bother you?

I can see where you're coming from and it would definitely bother me as well, but I would wish them well and get them a modest gift anyway. I don't like going tit-for-tat. I'd say rise above it all and see how he responds...the ball would be in his court. If he has repeated "offenses" in the future...you'll have your answer.

Once you put your hand in the flame you can never be the same.
There's a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain.

Re: Would this bother you?

I know, there's got to be something more to this, whoever said it might have to do with the Wife, might be on to something.

I had a straight friend who's girlfriend hated him hanging out with me. Nothing was ever "going on" between the two of us, he was nothing I'd ever want to date, but she just couldn't accept that I didn't want him like she did. I think that's a kind of homophobia, he tried to get us to get along, but she just wouldn't have it.

I backed off, he eventually married her, and I didn't get invited either, then they drifted off to suburbia, and I don't ever see them anymore.

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by TX-Beau

I know, there's got to be something more to this, whoever said it might have to do with the Wife, might be on to something.

I had a straight friend who's girlfriend hated him hanging out with me. Nothing was ever "going on" between the two of us, he was nothing I'd ever want to date, but she just couldn't accept that I didn't want him like she did. I think that's a kind of homophobia, he tried to get us to get along, but she just wouldn't have it.

I backed off, he eventually married her, and I didn't get invited either, then they drifted off to suburbia, and I don't ever see them anymore.

That's pretty messed up. I don't know why there is this stereotypical ignorance that all gays want to hump any guy they see.

Once you put your hand in the flame you can never be the same.
There's a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain.

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by TX-Beau

Maybe it's a Texas thing, but it's really kind of rude not to invite a good friend to your wedding. Even if you know they can't or don't want to attend, you just say "of course we want you there but don't feel obligated if you'd rather not..."

I don't see how it's being considerate not to say some variant of that and just not invite your friend, then not mention it until he brings it up. To me that would appear like he didn't want me there, and didn't want to tell me why especially since the other friends got invited.

If he's so worried that you can't afford airfare, then he can't be upset when you send him a nice $2.00 card and not fine china.

Re: Would this bother you?

I live in the northeast and one of my childhood friends from the neighborhood was getting married in Spain (Where he was and still is residing) and we all got invitations to go. Now obviously, many of us could not attend and he completely understood. However, because we were friends he wanted us to know that he wished we could be there, etc.

However, I must ask a follow up question. So the flight cost $350, but what about everything else? Would you need to rent a car, get a hotel room, does he have room for everyone to stay that goes? How many days would you need to be out there? Do you need to rent a tux? He may have thought the trip as a whole could get pricey, and not just the flight. That, and maybe he did not want to have to make several trips back and forth to the closest airport when Im guessing there are many other things on their mind around the time of the wedding.

I think if you want to go, or are hurt by his actions, you need to man up and have another discussion with him. Good luck

Re: Would this bother you?

I appreciate the responses everyone. I'm sorry I haven't said anything, this whole thing just really upsets me. I'm not usually offended by much so I'm not sure why. If they were just going to Vegas to get hitched it wouldn't bother me at all if I didn't get to go. The fact is, they're making a big deal about this wedding and he's expressed that it is a big deal to him.

Originally Posted by Seasoned

Is homophobia on his part or her part playing a role here? If so, dump him.

Without another long story, no, I do not think that is related at all.

Originally Posted by Kyanimal

Now I'm wondering just how much "Push" the fiance has had in this mess.

If anything, I probably expected one from her more than him. I considered her a good close friend of mine as well. I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't want me there.

Originally Posted by Junior42

However, I must ask a follow up question. So the flight cost $350, but what about everything else? Would you need to rent a car, get a hotel room, does he have room for everyone to stay that goes? How many days would you need to be out there? Do you need to rent a tux? He may have thought the trip as a whole could get pricey, and not just the flight. That, and maybe he did not want to have to make several trips back and forth to the closest airport when Im guessing there are many other things on their mind around the time of the wedding.

Yeah, he vaguely said something about that also. All I could wonder is, shouldn't I be at the top of that list? They're renting a house over there for friends to stay in so the room would be free. And the day before I believe he's paying for a bunch of friends to go to an amusement park.

Those that think I should just let it go, how do I do that? Maybe it shouldn't bother me but it does. I don't have a lot of other friends, but I basically considered this one a brother. To just ignore him and be petty back to him, also makes me feel horrible.

Re: Would this bother you?

I think you should message him on facebook or email, and put your feeling on the issue out there, and say that you had hoped to be there for the wedding. See what he says in return. Don't miss your chance to get your feelings out there and then regret it, IMO

Re: Would this bother you?

In the end you're going to have to let it go if you don't want this to drag you down, but it needs to be processed. If the friendship is to be continued you'll need to forgive him. It would be nice to know the real reason you weren't invited. Maybe it's my age and my life experience, but I smell homophobia on someone's part. Are all the other people sharing the house paired up? There has to be a reason other than the cost of the trip.

Work to get this settled so you can move on. Have you told them both that you're hurt?

Don't be vindictive when it comes to the gift, but don't be over the top. Even if the friendship doesn't go forward you do want to honor what it has meant to you.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: Would this bother you?

Secondmonkey,

I would like to tell you that its totally normal that you feel very upset about the refusal of your friend to send you an invitation for his wedding.

Junior42 hit the nail: "However, because we were friends he wanted us to know that he wished we could be there, etc." (posting #23). That's how it works with people who are (good) friends of each other and where there is a marriage with alot of people.

I tend as well to agree with Seasoned that I smell something like homophobia, in particular because you don't have ruled out this possibility.

You told us in your last posting (#26): "Oh he knows I'm upset...I guess he doesn't really care..." I tend to think that this means that you are telling us that he is not anymore your (good) friend.

I would advise you to move on with your life and more or less stop with being friends with him. I even would like to advise you that you don't need to bother about giving him a wedding present. He seems not to care about you and about your well being. So why continue to behave like you are still friends with him while this seems not to be the case anymore?

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by Seasoned

Are all the other people sharing the house paired up?

I think his friends are, but hers aren't. Me being gay has never been an issue before, I don't know why it would be over there. If he didn't want his family to know, they wouldn't have to, and he knows I'm the last person you'd think was gay. It's not like I'm going to show up in a dress with a boyfriend. In fact I'd say he's the reason I've been able to come out to as many people as I have, he's told more people about it than I have. (A good example being his brother, who I also consider a friend) And, for that matter, his fiancee is bisexual.

Re: Would this bother you?

..If he can't even bother to invite me then I guess I should assume I'm not a very important friend shouldn't I?

Which is what it basically comes down to - though I think (even though I'VE been 25 for the last two decades unlike SOME people) Seasoned probably has a point.

You never know when the phobia is going to get up and bite your gay ass. People are funny about it. I have another friend who never had a problem with me, but can't deal with another gay guy he was friends with. You'd think that was personality driven, but they were good friends and roommates UNTIL he found out the guy was gay. Instead of being supportive, he freaked the fuck out and had a 'phobic episode.

When I brought my rightful wrath down on his head, his justification was 1. the guy was a liar, and 2, the gay guy had seen him naked. I've seen him naked at the gym a thousand times, but somehow it was unforgivable for the other guy to see him naked while being stealth gay.

What's the point of all this, the point is 'phobia can rear up in the unlikeliest of places sometimes. People are funny about weddings also sometimes and whatever the situation, you aren't being given a direct answer. If he's renting houses and paying for outings, come on, how hard would it have been to come up with $350.00 more to fly you out. I guarantee you the Amusement Park Tickets for everyone cost more than that.

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by secondmonkey

I think his friends are, but hers aren't. Me being gay has never been an issue before, I don't know why it would be over there. If he didn't want his family to know, they wouldn't have to, and he knows I'm the last person you'd think was gay. It's not like I'm going to show up in a dress with a boyfriend. In fact I'd say he's the reason I've been able to come out to as many people as I have, he's told more people about it than I have. (A good example being his brother, who I also consider a friend) And, for that matter, his fiancee is bisexual.

(emphasis mine)

I've actually had straight friends with that kind of concern - they still invited me however, but then I live in Texas and that kind of stereotyping is still pretty common.

Re: Would this bother you?

Something interesting happened tonight, and I don't know what to think even more now.

So I went to his bachelor party tonight. I was neither invited nor "not" invited...its a long story I don't want to get into. (He gets no points either plus or minus)

I didn't have a problem going to strip clubs with him, even though it's obviously of no interest for me. It was his night. Another acquaintance of his said something about "not going to one of those bars where those fags hang out". My friend got offended, stood up, and said "well Ryan is one of them so I guess that's where we're at now". This is right after the same guy bought me a drink not knowing I was one of those fags....

I joke about being a fag with my friend so I did not find what my friend said offensive at all. That is basically the attitude he has about me being gay. I've never in my life known anybody else that I can be 110% honest about everything and he will not care, and that is why I call him my best friend. When I first told him I was gay I made a big deal about it and his reaction was basically "that's it?".

So honestly I do think he still cares about me, but I also still think there is more to this I am not seeing/understanding. He is a very smart person and I just think the excuse I've been given is stupid - whether it's an excuse or whether it is genuine, it's stupid either way.

Re: Would this bother you?

Yes, if one of my best friend's did not invite me to a wedding, I would be upset. However, the fact that he did not have an issue with you going to the party, also stuck up for you when unpleasant comments were made, and claims that he did not invite you because he did not think you could afford the trip, it sounds like he has your best interests at heart actually. Maybe he did not go about it the right way, and he should have discussed it with you, but I think you need to say you want to go (and see his response) and if he says no, then he is a bit of a prick, but if you are not going to do that (because you actually DONT want to go) then I think you have to take him at his word, unless you have other reasons not to trust your best friend, that is was an unintentional misunderstanding.

Re: Would this bother you?

Without spending an hour going into my personal finances, the money thing seems like less and less of a good reason now. I'm not going to tell him I want to go, that is basically inviting myself, and I wouldn't want to go under those circumstances. It's too late now anyway.

What it boils down for me is this:
If I was to ever have a wedding...not that it's really an option...he would be #1 on my guest list. Above my parents. And I don't know why I feel like that about somebody that wouldn't even think to ask me to go to his...

Re: Would this bother you?

I would feel as you do, and would be very offended and constantly suspect the reason, to the extent of speculating various reasons and feeling genuinely wronged by each and every one. Which, when it comes down to it, is truly all speculation. I think my point is, let it go or harbor resentment. It sounds easier than it is.

But also, weddings are overrated and insufferable celebrations of patriarchy. Your friend may be doing you a favor.

They should just have a separate ceremony for friends in Oregon.

Ultimately, will you really get to spend that much time with the friend anyway? They'll be dealing with wedding stuff or honeymooning the whole time. Wait and buy your plane ticket for a later time, when there are less people and far less stress.

Re: Would this bother you?

Originally Posted by secondmonkey

What it boils down for me is this:
If I was to ever have a wedding...not that it's really an option...he would be #1 on my guest list. Above my parents. And I don't know why I feel like that about somebody that wouldn't even think to ask me to go to his...

I think you need to tell him this. Put it explicitly to him, exactly like this, and see what he says. Stop telling us and start telling him. Otherwise you will hold onto this resentment and it will eat away at your friendship.

Re: Would this bother you?

Okay, the simple matter of the fact is, yes he should of made the gesture of inviting you even if you weren't going. I'd be a bit perturbed, if my best friend didn't atleast give me a chance to properly decline but still give my support to them. It most likely a bad oversight on both of their parts. They are probably just too wrapped up in their big wedding plans. I would say let them have thier day and then afterwards try to talk to them about it again, when their heads are focused on something so big.

Just express to him that you would of appreciated a simple invite, just for the sake of being a good friend.

His actions in other situations have shown that he does care about you. I think you are just starting to focus too much on the negative aspects of this situation.

Re: Would this bother you?

heck just go to the wedding anyway if that's is what you truly want to friends are friends for life especially best friend and it shouldn't hinge on your friend trying to be considerate even though you think that an invitation was do you