Women are very good at bonding. The way they do this is by swapping the innermost secrets of their relationships with their mothers, their partners and their fridge. Women also bond by commenting on each other's clothing and accessories, especially if an item is on display for the first time. Comments have to fall within the "very positive to ecstatic" range. "You've made a bad mistake with those earrings" doesn't aid female bonding, and is a comment best left for men to deliver towards the very end of a relationship.

Advanced female bonding can involve the borrowing of clothing and accessories, but this has to be done with discretion. If your friend is wearing a new top she's very pleased with, she won't want to lend it to you that evening for the party you're both going to. Suggesting it could lead to unbonding.

Male bonding is a very delicate manoeuvre done in a very masculine way. It requires overcoming the instinctive competition between males and replacing it with a state of loving cooperation, without implying that there's any hint of homosexuality between the men involved. Oddly, for some men the quickest way to bond is to fight. This proves that both are strong, masculine figures and allows them to get to grips with each other in a totally heterosexual manner. It's important when fighting not to knock your partner out cold, because this gets the relationship off to a shaky start.

Men mostly bond by doing things that involve standing and looking in the same direction together. That's why watching football and drinking at a bar are two of the favourites. Standing at a bar watching football on TV is the quickest possible way of bonding. Golf is how older men bond by walking in the same direction together. If golf involved one person starting from each end of the course and racing to get round, it wouldn't be nearly as effective.

Sex is a great way of bonding between men and women because it releases a powerful hormone that encourages chocolate purchase. Bonding between men and women without sex is quite tricky unless the woman can stand next to the man and then talk about the intimate details of an affair she's having with a leading footballer.