Thursday, April 9, 2009

rough day

I have had a rough day. This post is not purely to complain but to help me process and try to understand the complexity that is my ed.

I have been struggling lately with eating...it's always a struggle but I seem to go through periods when it is harder than other times. Especially, with the amount I am supposed to be eating at the moment. Today, has been a difficult day and after not eating much during the morning and then lunch time approaching, I went into the break room at work and proceeded to fix myself a plate of lettuce (what I call a salad...but in truth- it's NOT, it's just lettuce, jenn!) with a bit of dressing on the side to dip the lettuce in. That is one of the foods that if you see me eating it, it means I am struggling mentally and emotionally. As I am making it, there are two male co-workers in the break room drinking their coffee and chatting to each other. One of them looks over at me and says:

"so that's why you are so skinny, you eat lettuce."

umm, didn't really know how to respond to that because:a) I don't "see" myself as too thin at all.b)I felt uncomfortable because I don't want people at work to find out about my ed .

So, I just laughed it off on the outside (while crumbling on the inside) and hurried and finished putting my "salad" on my paper plate and walked back to my desk. I knew that I was severely restricting from my meal plan but feeling the way I feel today...I just didn't care. I am struggling with my ever-growing tummy (yes, thanks to the re-feeding process my tummy is starting to look a bit like I'm pregnant. And those of y'all who have gone through this know EXACTLY what I mean!)

Then I remembered something we talked about in therapy this week and ALSO in Process Group last night: you need to REACH out and LET others help you! you can't do it alone! So, I messaged a friend on MSN chat and told her what I was eating for lunch. She is someone who was locked-up in in-patient with me two years ago and who I LOVE dearly. We talked for a while back and forth and she was able to help me realize what I was doing and that it was just pushing me further and further away from recovery. I KNEW that deep down inside, but sometimes you just need to hear it out loud. So I went and got my mp approved lunch and started to eat that. I will say that I wasn't able to eat ALL of it, because it's a crap load of food, and I still have so much to eat today!...but I am trying. Eating is so overwhelming for me right now, and it sucks but I HAVE to do it unless I want to end up back in the hospital or have a feeding tube again (which is NEVER fun).

So I made the decision to eat, and I am going to continue to eat because right now that is my number one focus. I need to eat to live and to be happy!

Awe Jenn, you are never complaining, you are just getting out your feelings. I LOVE YOU! And that stomach stage is one of the worst thing I have had to deal with... so just be strong. It's mostly just bloating, anyway.