How will you ever achieve a better body shape when there’s so many tasty yummy nums to be had at the click of a mouse and excessive eating is the only thing in life that makes you feel anything anymore (even if it’s only the discomfort of trapped gas)?

What if I told you that you didn’t have to change anything AT ALL ?

What if I told you that you can feel instantly better about EVERYTHING and everyone can shut the FUCK UP?

I mean SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP!

What if I told you this:

Eating ISN’T cheating if you’re actually crEATing.

And if I made you sit through an unskippable video and read this out very slowly- how much money would you be prepared to part with?

A million dollars?

A bazillion?

I’m not asking for a bazillion.

I’m not asking for a million.

In fact, I’m giving you the information for free.

Right here.

Right now.

Friends*, I’d like to let you in on a dramatic technique that means that you, too, can hold your head up high in a world of skinny, mocking norms. Unless you’re bedridden of course, in which case plump up the pillows and pin back your lugholes for you are about to learn of an astonishing breakthrough technique which means you can eat and eat and eat and need never worry again about body dysmorphia, loneliness, cardiac arrest, stroke or Type II Diabetes (except the last three).

DISTRACTION IS ACTION

All you need to get started is

A set of magic marker pens

The ability to draw a convincing face

The ability to convincingly throw your voice

The ability to maintain the line that your belly is actually your hideously-deformed conjoined twin despite the disbelief of all and sundry