Here's a story that I will lift out from the book entitled Stories of Life and Laughter

Once a young priest was assigned to a small, far-flung parish. On his first days, as he zealously did his pastoral chore of hearing confessions, he noted that many of his penitents confessed: "I fell down the bridge."

The parish priest didn't know that it was a code, a euphemistic term which meant: "I committed adultery." Following several more confessions of that "sin," the parish priest decided to see the town mayor in order to repair that particular bridge.

When the mayor heard the priest's report, he could not help but laugh and laugh, knowing what it meant. "Why ask about it, Father?" he said.

The priest replied: "Because even your wife confessed that she fell down the bridge several times!" The mayor gulped and his face suddenly fell.

happy

08.02.20, 06:29 PM

TWO MEN AT THE PEARLY GATES

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"HOW'D YOU DIE?" the first man asks the second.

"I FROZE TO DEATH," says the second.

"THAT'S AWFUL, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FREEZE TO DEATH?" says the first. "

IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AT FIRST, YOU GET THE SHAKES, AND YOU GET PAINS IN ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES. BUT EVENTUALLY, IT'S VERY CALM WAY TO GO.YOU GET NUMB AND YOU KIND OF DRIFT OFF, AS IF YOU'RE SLEEPING. HOW DID YOU DIE? says the second?

"I HAD A HEART ATTACK" says the first guy. "YOU SEE I KNEW MY WIFE WAS CHEATING ON ME, SO ONE DAY I SHOWED UP AT HOME UNEXPECTEDLY. I RAN UP T THE BEDROOM, AND FOUND HER ALONE, KNITTING. I RAN DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, BUT NO ONE WAS HIDING THERE. I RAN UP TO THE 2ND FLOOR, BUT NO ONE WAS HIDING THERE EITHER, I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD TO THE ATTIC, AND JUST AS I GOT THERE, I HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK AND DIED."

The second man shakes his head.

"THAT'S SO IRONIC" he says

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" asks the first man.

"If you ony had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

ryanestandarte

08.02.22, 09:52 AM

Ang mahilig sa babae ay BABAERO

Ang mahilig gumawa ng tubo ay TUBERO

Ang mahilig sa magic ay MAGIKERO

Ang mahilig umupo sa kanto ay...

TAMBAY PARE! TAMBAY!! LOL

ryanestandarte

08.02.22, 10:02 AM

Sabi nila, love makes your hearth beat fast...

Your body feel flushed with excitement,

And your mind go around in circles...

Love pala iyon?

Akala ko gutom lang... Hehehe!!!! LOL

chopinsky

08.02.22, 12:16 PM

Here's an interesting letter to Microsoft :

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

With regards,
Sd/-User

THE REPLY:
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 > > thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGIES program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGIES a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 though a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Thank you for using the program!

PS: In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operate system.

Sd/-For Microsoft

rrdc

08.02.25, 11:16 AM

In the recently concluded Panagbenga Cheerdance Competition, the following commentaries were given by the emcees of the local channel which was aired at Skycable (..huwag po natin tularan, kung hindi sigurado sa ingles, gamitin nalang po ang sariling wika..):

Emcee 1: What can you say about the cheerdances?
Emcee 2: They did a well job!

"Always remember, no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can always be...

...used as a bad example!" ;D

Yna Suello

08.05.07, 02:44 PM

Sino pong may alam ng title ng kantang ito?

http://www.wimp.com/song/

Grabe. SCARRRRRRRRYYYYYY...

Muntik nang matanggal ang puso ko sa pagkagulat!

holychef

08.06.03, 04:37 PM

isang araw, nagulat ang amo dahil bumalik ang naglayas na inday

amo: inday! bumalik ka rin! bakit?

inday:i care about my job sir...i care about you...

hahaha! caregiver now showing

----------eto pa-----------

night and day i wander on the street, walking aimlessly, walking thru a path all alone without certainty. Peoplrejudge me by how i look and what i wear, but hey, i don't mind coz it's my style. Alone as they see me without company...but are they free as me?

14. No name - We were marketing for an org event, when one of my
orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors
(Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong
mas mataas sa Patron?" Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!"

got this from another forum i frequently visit, the poster got this from Neal Cruz's column on Inquirer.net (http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20080808-153339/President-bears-responsibility-for-rogue-justices)

Today's joke: A fan from the Malacañang Press Office sent this item:

Official announcement: The government announced today that it was changing its emblem from a sea lion to a condom, because the latter more accurately reflects the government’s political and economic stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

funny and sad at the same time. LOL :(

ernanibaetiong

08.08.08, 01:18 PM

funny and sad at the same time. LOL :(

OO nga manoiskee, ito ang masakit tanggapin na katotohanan:(

titopao

08.08.08, 04:36 PM

Found this one on the 'net...basically a Windows vs. Linux or Microsoft vs. opensource joke, but you don't need to be a technical person to get the humor :)

kumintang

08.08.08, 07:12 PM

DIARY NI INDAY - A MUST READ!

My Diary (Day 1)

It was jazz an ordinary day.

The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

"Yes sir" sabi nito. "Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and was completed. It also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully" dagdag pa niya.

"I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout but at first I didn't give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then I give it a thought. I know something is a missed."

From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn't even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.

*Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

*Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

*Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

*Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

*Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

*Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

*Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

*Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

*What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

*If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

*In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

*There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

*Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

*There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

*When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

*Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

*The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

*When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

*Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

*Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

*Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com)

Ana Maria Licup

08.08.14, 10:33 AM

Quotes from the greatest warriors:

I came, I saw, I conquered - Julius Caesar

I shall return - MacArthur

I will fight iniwan, iniwer & initym - Pacman

poknat20

08.08.15, 10:13 PM

Friends,

I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I did. :)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

czyre

08.08.19, 06:37 AM

One time, i had a conversaion with one of my students. We were talking about idioms... it goes like this...

3. When making describe a whatever, always say "It's SO pang-uri!"
ex. "It's so malaki, you know, and so mainit!"
"I know right? So sarap nga, eh!"
"You're making me inggit naman.. I'll make bili nga my own burger."

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation "dude", 'tsong" or "pare"
ex. "Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare."
"I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh"

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!
ex. "My bag is so bigat today, you know"
"I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book eh!"

6. Make gawa the plural of pangngalans like in English or Spanish.
ex. "I have so many tigyawats, oh!"

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?
ex. "Like, it's so init naman!"
"Yah! The aircon, it's, like sira!"

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap?
ex. "Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?"
"It's so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?"

Speaking of funny, here's something from the King of Comedy. Got this on my email (I think it's a PEP article), late na pero Happy Birthday Mang DolphY!:ecstatic:

DOLPHY AT 80...

Dolphy at 80: Living in a Goldfish Bowl

A confirmed bachelor, yes. He has had dozens of women in his life, siring 18 children with six of them, but has never married any of them. His current and, just probably, last Zsa Zsa Padilla might be "it," but only heaven knows.

He could run for any position and win hands down but no, as he first told The STAR in an interview a decade or so ago when he refused to join the showbiz bandwagon to the political arena, "Madaling tumakbo; paano kung manalo?" (That was his exact answer which was rephrased in the retelling.)

Rodolfo Vera Quizon, lovingly known as Dolphy, turned 80 last July 25. To celebrate his being "weighty at 80," his son Eric has published Dolphy's biography titled Hindi Ko Ito Narating Mag-Isa (as told to Bibeth Orteza). The en-grande book launching was held last July 23, at the NBC Tent, Fort Bonifacio, Taguig City, in cooperation with the Dolphy Aid Para sa Pinoy Foundation, which provides education to the underprivileged.

Comedy King.

Woman-lover and Ladies' Man.

Bombilya King.

Dolphy is all that - and more.

Here are "80 snippets" as a preview to the predicted best-seller:

1. I was born on Calle Padre Herrera on July 25, 1928. Orig na Tondo Boy. I was about 13 when Japan bombed Pearl Harbor.

2. My father was Melencio, son of Modesto Quizon and Adorable Espinosa. He was earning well as tagagawa ng makina sa bapor at the Atlantic Gulf.

3. My mother was Salud, daughter of Maximo Vera and Ninay de la Rosa. She owned a tailoring shop at home. She was the first cousin of Rita Vera Avellana, mother of Lamberto Avellana. My siblings and I called our parents
Papang and Mamang.

4. At that time, I could watch movies for free because I sold peanuts and butong-pakwan inside, and also singkamas-malamig.

5. Radio was a hit at that time. The couple Dely Atay-Atayan and Andoy Balunbalunan were the pioneers of radio shows.

14. I was turning 17 when Benny Mack got me as a chorus dancer, one month at Avenue and then I moved to Lyric. When there was an air raid, we would interrupt the show and run for cover at the air-raid shelter sa orchestra, kasama ang audience. Kapag walang bombang bumagsak, tuloy uli ang show.

15.. I was also in the shows at Orient Theater. Golay was my first stage name. My dream was to have a solo dance na gaya ni Fred Astaire.

16. My first love was Aida Javier who came from a family of musicians. Mahusay siya mag-piano.

38. Ronaldo Valdez's real name is Ronald James Gibbs. He's my discovery, for Pepe en Pilar, pelikula namin ni Susan. We wanted a new face as Susan's partner. I saw Ronaldo in a basketball court and brought him to the presscon so Susan could see him. "Wala bang iba?" Susan said. I brought Ronaldo to the barber shop, bought him a pair of boots at Glenmore and lent him my terno. When I presented him to Susan again, she said, "Iyan
pa." She didn't know that he was the same guy I introduced to her earlier. Then I changed his name to Ronaldo Valdez.

39. Because of Jack and Jill, I was typecast in gay roles. My biggest hit is Facifica Falayfay, directed by Luciano "Chaning" Carlos. I did 23 other movies with Chaning.

40. When agent movies were the fad, I also played a secret agent, Dolpinger 1-2-3. Si Chiquito naman, Agent 0-2-10.

41. It's not true that Chiquito and I had a rivalry. May gumawa lang ng ganoon20because at that time mayroong Nora-Vilma rivalry.

47. John en Marsha started in 1971, a year before Martial Law, on Channel 9. It was the idea of Kitchie Benedicto, head of the station. Before Nida, who was doing Wala Kang Paki with Nestor de Villa, Boots Anson-Roa and Helen Gamboa were considered as my wife Marsha. Before Dely Atay-Atayan, kinonsider din si Chichay as my mother-in-law na mayaman at matapobre.. Mga anak namin sina Rolly (Quizon) at Maricel Soriano.

48. John en Marsha was such a big hit that it was made into a movie eight times.

53. In the late '60s while we were shooting in a hospital, I met a nurse, Evangeline Tagulao. Nagkaroon kami ng isang anak. Nasa States na sila ngayon.

54. I met Pilar Pilapil in 1969 when we shot Tayo'y Mag-Up, Up and Away in Rome, Paris, London, New York, Hawaii and Las Vegas. That was two years after she won the Bb. Pilipinas-Universe title. We almost got married. Ayaw ng parents niya..

55. Then, I fell in love with Lotis Key. I also almost married her. Ang\ mga babae ko, kadalasan nagkakasabay-sabay, nag-o-overlap sila.

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2009 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to Globe and Smart Business Centers in SM branches and they wanted P2,500 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Ace Hardware.

These kits are compatiblewith any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him P2.50 each becausehe bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Nokia, Sony Ericsson and Samsung units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

"We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor,
Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?"
Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!"

"An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: "Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko...wala akong kasama..."

"I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: "Uy, stripes din! It's the color
of the day!"

"A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: "Ma'am, I already changed yourmonthly period."

ones i crush a girl from my alma mother who got my number so we could keep intact. sabi ko connect if i'm wrong, but are you asking me ouch? sabi niya, "the?! I mean, tell me to the marines ang kapal! the nerd!" naiyak ako because of hunger, i cried buckles of tears. tapos sabi niya, "don't cry! isipin mo nalang this is a blessing in the sky. irregardless of my feeling let's go ouch na rin." now we're in love. mute and epidemic na yung pass. thanks God we shallowed our fried!

Noseblood?

Buti nalang tama lahat ang spelling LOL

tiger shark

08.10.09, 01:40 PM

sali rin ako. Heto ang contibution ko:

Behind The Wheel

Light hearted attempts to characterise New Zealand drivers.

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: South Auckland
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: West Auckland.
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window cutting across lanes of traffic: North Shore.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot on and off accelerator. Wellington.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cellphone, brick on accelerator: Ponsonby.
• Both hands clamped on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Whangarei, but driving in Auckland.
• Both hands waving in air, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Parnell, Auckland.
• One hand on wine cooler, one knee on wheel, cradling ancient cellphone, foot on brake, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Titirangi, Auckland.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, both feet alternating between accelerator and brake, all the while throwing McDonald’s bag out window: Hamilton, North Island
• Four-wheel-drive wagon shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, possum tails hanging on aerial: South Canterbury, South Island.
• Two hands on wheel, driver’s head barely visible above dashboard, doing 40km/h on the motorway in the right lane with the left blinker on: Howick. Auckland North Island

WASHINGTON - US doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

CPR is a lifesaving technique involving chest compressions alone or with mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing. It is used in emergencies such as cardiac arrest in which a person's breathing or heartbeat has stopped.

CPR can triple survival rates, but some people are reluctant to do it in part because they are unsure about the proper rhythm for chest compressions. But research has shown many people do chest compressions too slowly during CPR.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed.

Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.

"The theme 'Stayin' Alive' is very appropriate for the situation," Matlock said in a telephone interview on Thursday. "Everybody's heard it at some point in their life. People know the song and can keep it in their head."

The findings will be presented this month at a meeting of the American College of Emergency Physicians in Chicago.

Ang reasons nila for choosing "Stayin' Alive" was not because of the lyrics, but because of the tempo. To be precise, very close daw ang beat ng Stayin' Alive (103 bpm kung gagamitin mo ang metronome ng organ) sa average pulse ng human heartbeat (about 100 beats per minute). They were looking for a song fast enough (but not too fast) for CPR pumping; ang isnag problem nila noon was that paramedics do it too slow, kaya walang effect sa nire-revive.

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?!"

reksuyah

08.10.22, 05:46 PM

HEAVEN´S WAIT

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I don't know, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the august presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord look at them solemnly and said, "I'll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well, five years went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they came before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and asked the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. Congratulations! This Saturday, at 2:00 PM, we will have wonderful ceremony in the main chapel and the reception will be on me!"

The wedding was perfect. All the guests thought the bride was beautiful, Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River delta, and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married only a few weeks, when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.

So, they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!"

ernanibaetiong

08.10.22, 08:43 PM

it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven

Hahaha love this one! ;D

bluemurdock

08.10.23, 01:26 AM

Eto, nakakaaliw pero the thing is it's not a joke...it's a news report on a medical research.

A fleasance afternoon to all, to me, to you, we, they and everyone. Tonayt I am graduation, and I'm froud of me. I invitation you all to eat our house because I know someday that I will eat your house too. I will die ten chickens, seven girls and three boys to eat you all and I ask my fader to cooky my mader. I'm suring you will cam because I'm graduation. Thank you!

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'

I'm voting for the Pilot. hehehehehe. LOL

---

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President GMA's clock?" asked the man.
"GMA's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Two zoology students were conducting an experiment with a hapless spider. They wanted to see what would happen if they cut off its eight legs, two at a time. So they did. They cut off the first two and said, “Walk!” and the spider did. They did the same until only two legs remained, each time ordering the spider to walk. And walk the spider did. When the last legs were removed, they asked it to walk and it didn’t. They shouted at the spider to walk, but it didn’t budge. So they concluded that when all the eight legs were cut off, the spider turned deaf!
LOL

ernanibaetiong

08.11.04, 08:41 PM

the spider turned deaf!
LOL

Ahehehe, love this one :D

nivlem0199

08.11.04, 08:56 PM

haha katuwa jokes dito! :D

czyre

08.11.05, 06:14 AM

I called my Korean student in his office...

ME: Hi, is Mr. Lee there?

GUY ON THE LINE: (Eto exact words niya) Oh, I'm sorry but I do not speak English! Uhm... Mr. Lee is not here now, he's on a vacation...

Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?

Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.

Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in...Important and L as in... Elephant.

Operator: A-che-che!!!

silveryellow

08.12.12, 07:48 AM

"I went into my bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. She pushed me off my feet!"

LOL

silveryellow

08.12.17, 08:45 AM

What do you call a nun who’s into cross-country walking? A roamin' Catholic.

*****

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

:P

poknat20

08.12.19, 01:36 PM

Ito pa isa..

Dalawang ahas naguusap..

ahas1: (kinakabahan) Pre, makamandag ba tayo?

ahas2: Ha? Baket mo naman natanong?

ahas1: nakagat ko kasi dila ko e..

yenzephyr

08.12.19, 02:55 PM

Q: Ano ang ayaw ni Goldilocks na ilagay sa kanyang buhok?

A: Eh di Red Ribbon!

silveryellow

08.12.20, 05:50 PM

A blind man enters a shop with a guide dog. He picks up the dog and starts swinging it in the air. A salesgirl asks, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," he says. "Just looking." LOL

czyre

08.12.22, 08:11 AM

A friend went to cellphone shop to have is phone fixed. He payed and got the receipt. Eto sabi sa receipt...

Found this one while bloghopping. The original source can be found here (http://ihatewhatyoulove.blogspot.com/2009/01/i-hate-edward-cullen.html). In case you didn't know it, Edward Cullen is the lead male actor in the movie adaptation of "Twilight" :)

Edward Cullen and a Normal Guy....and PANDOY

A normal guy would say: “I love you Baby!”
Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now.”
PANDOY says: "I love you" - no s***, no decorations just the real deal.

Normal Guy would say: “You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!”
Edward Cullen would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it.”
PANDOY says: "Your hair looks like a haystack...where is the needle?"

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.
Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.
PANDOY will accuse and file a case against Edward Cullen for plagiarism.

If you die, a normal guy would find another.
If you die, Edward Cullen would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.
If you die, PANDOY will resurrect you, because he can.

As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”
As you leave the house Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”
As you leave the house, PANDOY would say: "Pasalubong!"

As you come back home, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.
As you come back home, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.
As you come back home, PANDOY would be welcoming you with a threesome partner.

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.
Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday.
PANDOY will not make you breakfast, he will make you lunch because you will be too tired due to passionate lovemaking the night before and you will wake up at lunch time.

While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.
Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.
PANDOY will be laughing and shouting "Edward Cullen is gay!"

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.
PANDOY, will not drive because he is to fly to drive, he will be beside you at the backseat of his limousine. Stylin' and profilin' baby!

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you.”
While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you’ve taken half myself with you”
While far apart in different places, PANDOY would say: "webcam tayo mamaya 9pm ha?"

A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.
Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.
PANDOY would take action and call mang kepweng to take them away.

A normal guy does it with everyone.
Edward Cullen only does it with one.
PANDOY does it with he one who is with Edward Cullen when he is away.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.
Edward Cullen buys you a car.
PANDOY gives you 10 billion dollars.

jash12per

09.01.15, 10:03 AM

A friend went to cellphone shop to have is phone fixed. He payed and got the receipt. Eto sabi sa receipt...

Found this one while bloghopping. The original source can be found here (http://ihatewhatyoulove.blogspot.com/2009/01/i-hate-edward-cullen.html). In case you didn't know it, Edward Cullen is the lead male actor in the movie adaptation of "Twilight" :)

MANILA, Philippines—The following are among the more than 500 items of a similar nature that may be found in the just-released public school textbook (copyright 2008) in Reading for Grade 6 titled “English For You and Me,” written by Elodie A. Cada, published by Book Wise Publishing House Inc., and printed in Bangkok, Thailand:

• The airport is open to passengers only.
• Humans may turn blue when they cry.
• The engine of the tractor is sleeping now.
• Ms. Vera, please entertain this computer.
• Vietnam Nurse Contacts Bird Flu.
• To Heal Earth Yourself, Start with Your Cat.
• She lives in a place that is drowned in mystery.
• I got a butterfly with flower-designed wings.
• The Doña Aurora tree had yellowish-white flowers which were as wide as an open hand, and smelled fragrant as her mother’s perfume.
• Can we take care of the bird at home? Just like in a rehabilitation center!
• These pants didn’t cost much because they are uneven.
• Comfortable means having the comfort.
• The cat’s whiskers make it different from other animals.
• I trust you so much. I even told you not to enter my room.
• Propped: it stuck and supported very well.
• Delicately: done with fragility.
• Propped: sticked.
• They were discussing what will happen if the moon bounced back to the earth.
• Heroes helped in the forming of our nation.

Tausugs, Badjaos

• The Tausugs, who live in Jolo, are described as warlike people but most are friendly, peaceful and hospitable. They are completely attired only when they sport weapons around their waists. They believe in black magic, sorcery, voodoo and love potions. The Koran, their Bible, forbids the eating of dead meat.
• The Badjaos are mostly found along the Coast of Jolo, Subuti, Sitangkal, Tawi-Tawi islands in Mindanao. They are regarded as cultured because they are hardworking and peace-loving.
• People are active individuals. Sometimes, even while sleeping, they make actions through dreams. Cartoon characters are taken from dreams of the cartoonists. Dreaming is a mysterious act. Dreams may be a source of income. Some dreams make the world go round, open the realities of life or transmit the problems of people.
• The show’s plot and the characters’ acting prowess are spontaneous in giving us a distinct TV program.
• Next week, he’ll be out in the hospital. Bobby felt happy with magical feeling.
• The grass seems to wink at me. The leaves bow down their heads.
• The baby’s existence added to the full essence of their lives’ happiness.
• Do you feel like you’re a newborn today? The earth has come of age giving us time to be born.
• He’s or she’s worried about his/her future. He’s or she’s not sure about the meaning of his/her life.

Life as a game
• Hold and behold the essence of bright days. Everybody must be ready to live every day. Everybody sees life as a game.
• Still, life is going on. You continue to breathe and sigh. You keep on walking and living. You think and sleep for days.
• Yet life will continue to pour the best. There are people who stare.
• Compose your own prayer, patterned after the flow of your life.
• Oh God, guide me to take risks in order to live by your example.
• The students busied themselves drinking thirstily.
• Copy the sentences that denote the events happened in the story.
• Their neighbors muttered out loud how lucky their parents were.

Chief of the rafts
• A ferryman worked hard as the transport chief of the rafts.
• My grandfather is tall for a Korean and my mother got her almost perfect stature from him.
• The people observed keenly the pulsating chest of the animal hiding in the bushes.
• There are animals that sacrifice their lives for people, bring peace to the world or create color and harmony to humankind. You can hear animals talk like, “Don’t get our furs, please!” People cried out loud to stop hurting the animals.
• Execute a debate regarding “Should people use animal skins?”
• Cathy is the richest among the whole sixth grade—she’s been saving since she’s three.
• My folks are believed to be the genius of the century. Their peculiarity made them the most popular people on earth.
• They voted our Math teacher as the most desirable.
• The authorities were intimately bonded with the constituents because of the humanitarian project.
• Conscience (sense of right and wrong, sense of belongingness, being troubled).

Warning to security
• The coming plague of locusts was a warning to people’s security.
• He lifted his soul because of loneliness.
• Choose a partner as well as the kind of music you feel comfortable with to move in rhythm with, and presto! you are now dancing. Dancing in groups is a kind of bonding among the dancers.
• If you were to assess your family’s assets, how much do you think would your worth be?
• Did you explain the conflict in a very understandable way? Did you write in the first person using point of view using the pronouns I and We?
• At my age, swooning to Martin Nievera is far from my age level.
• A stain-smooth piece of driftwood.
• The janitress tried to clean the spume of the water underneath the tree.
• There are times that there are invisible elements in the air.

Atmosphere in poem
• Put a check before the sentence with details that tell the atmosphere in the poem is truly very silent.
• Invisible like butterflies.
• What does “The gentle drop of rain on the ground” mean? Explain.
• Give importance of a person’s right to choose one’s profession.
• Create an atmosphere of family solidarity to the readers.
• “He’s not here!” Miss Racelis told at them. She told them to go out the room.
• He should be given total attention from everybody to make him feel important.
• What use is medicine when it’s but for the rich … sell, sell, sell. What is the use of discoveries if one engorges in its success … full of greed and the kind?
• The agreement to cease the war was followed.
• Media people are afraid that information may be churned by the leftists.
• How does light come at dawn? Do we appreciate the coming of the dawn? Why?
• The world crumbles when poverty and hunger are felt by the people.

Child for once
• “Join other children. You’ll only be a child for once.” At the end, he realized the joy of playing with his classmates.
• They submitted the partial results of the survey in the community. They sent the partial result and the rest will follow.
• Using the Venn diagram, compare the character traits of Rolly with other children.
• “Abracadabra, sssh! Boom! Make some magic for me! Abracadabra, sssh! Boom!” Bobby shouted. He ran to his uncle. “Looked here, Uncle,” he said. His uncle looked like an invisible man.
• Some patients wiggle their heads to signal that they feel something.
• “Will you work abroad, Kuya?” asked Henry with tears suddenly swelling in his eyes. “Where are you going? Why did I feel lonely at once, Kuya?” Henry sat with his hands on his jaws.
• Mr. Reyes carried his suitcase together with his son who was holding onto his neck tightly.
• The turtles squirm independently.
• “Okay, you want always to be alone; that’s bad. Learn to talk to us. You’re like a mute person!”
• Even the birds laughed at him!

bingo

09.02.11, 03:24 PM

somebody emailed this to me...
share ko lang po:

Iba ang PINOY!!!!!
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

Joke
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.

RICH KID: Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most of the times, what you want and what you get are two different things. Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Although we can't have everything we want, we can want everything we have.

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

Source: http://www.forteantimes.com/strangedays/misc/1543/somnambulism-in-the-internet-age.html
A new form of somnambul­ism for the Internet age has been identified by doctors and reported in the latest edition of the medical journal Sleep Medicine. Sleep researchers from the University of Toledo, Ohio, reported the first ever case of someone using the Internet while asleep, even sending emails inviting people over for drinks and caviar.

The 44-year-old woman had gone to bed at about 10pm, but rose a couple of hours later, walked to the next room and sat down at her computer. She turned the machine on, conn­ected to the Internet and success­fully logged on with her user name and password, before composing three emails and sending them to friends. She only found out what she had done when one of them telephoned the next day to reply to the email and accept the invitation.

The mails themselves were perhaps not up to the woman’s waking standard; each was in a random mix of upper and lower case characters, badly formatted and containing odd expressions. One read: “Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, 4.pm. Bring wine and caviar only.” Another said simply: “What the…”

GREAT FACTS
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee
Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.
The human brain functions 24 hours/day, 365 days/year until you fall for someone…

TAIPEI (Reuters) – A jobless Taiwan man released from prison two years ago asked police to send him back so he could eat, police and local media said Tuesday, a grim sign of hard economic times on the island.

When police found the 45-year-old convicted arsonist lying on a street in a popular Taipei shopping district, he requested a return to life behind bars, nostalgic for the 10 years he had already served, the China Post newspaper reported.

Wang had also contacted police separately with his request, a spokesman said. Officers who found him bought him a boxed lunch but declined to send him back to prison, the police spokesman said.

"We advised him to keep looking for work," he said. "I don't know why he can't find a job. Maybe employers think he's not suitable or that he's too old."

Taiwan is in recession, with a slump in exports leading a record economic contraction in the fourth quarter of last year. Economists see more weakness through most of 2009, given falling demand for Taiwan's electronics goods in overseas markets.

LOL Parang naaalala ko tuloy yung mga CSR days ko sa isang call center. I even had this conversation where the customer said "I want to buy a wife on <name of e-commerce website>" :P

LOL

That's new!

czyre

09.02.27, 09:45 PM

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

The man goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last words:
"AMAW!AYAW TUMBI ANG OXYGEN."

ROFLMAO

ryanestandarte

09.02.28, 11:58 AM

Maldita ka ba?

-On the first day of the Mango sale, the sister of my friend was looking around and picked up a dress when a woman at the counter started screaming,”Put that down, that’s mine!” The sister of my friend looked up, looked at the woman up and down, raised an eyebrow, and replied, “Excuse me. You are NOT small’”

-During a hike at Mt. Mayon , we had a maarte companion. When we ran out of water, our guide got us some from a ntural spring. The maarte girl said, “Dini-drink ba yan?” I told her, “Bakit, sa inyo ba ang water chinu-chew?”

1. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life".The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed: "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't push me again !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. An elderly spinster woman died last month. She requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own
Mother?"

He answered "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A Sunday School teacher asked her class: "Why did Joseph and Mary take Jesus with them to Jerusalem.?"

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
Olds. After explaining the commandment "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created from of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,
"Johnny, what's the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

********** Remember: ***********

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!

czyre

09.03.05, 09:41 AM

Understanding Women

Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later). LOL

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What’s wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

yenzephyr

09.03.05, 12:25 PM

Minsan sa buhay...

Ika'y nadapa,

naputikan,

naapakan ng iba.

Pero natuto ka ring

bumangon,

humarap sa lahat,

at sabihin:

Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye!!

Maliligo naman ako eh!

(--,)

ryanestandarte

09.03.06, 12:11 PM

How to control your emotions

This is a guide on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you, especially your "boss". The rules of practicing "ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya" :

#4
Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.' Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito? because the Lord said when He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa." Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy.

You should also know and realize that the persons who made your day bad are jewels, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5
Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person, "I will grow mature," and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.

"The biggest inhibitor to change lies within ourselves and that nothing gets better until we change..."

czyre

09.03.06, 12:25 PM

Here's more...

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

* * * * *

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

* * * * *

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question:

"What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"

Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.

* * * * *

Quote of the day:

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

* * * * *

Another quote of the day:

The world is divided into 10 people: those who know binary number, and everyone else.

* * * * *

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK

1. I accidentally divided by zero (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Division by zero) and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeno's paradox]I couldn't actually reach it.[/url]
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fermat's last theorem).
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topology).
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klein_bottle), but this morning I couldn't find it.

yenzephyr

09.03.11, 09:13 AM

Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"

I have just received an e-mail stating that the personal information in our passports are now available online due to the move for globalized screening of entries and exits of people in most, if not all countries.
These information have been accessed through the Schengen, American, Australian and Asian database.

It is scary that they are doing this now. It does not only invade our privacy, but exposes us to danger, if these information land on the wrong hands. The matter that gives me a fright is that there is no strict form of security to access the site. One only needs to type his name and country of citizenship and the passport's identification page displays. I myself tried to search and found my passport and was totally stunned to see it.

Please click below link:
http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport/

czyre

09.03.16, 07:18 AM

LOL

Kuya Alex!!! Kainez!

LOL

GewadVaddysal

09.03.17, 10:35 PM

Hi! I just became a part of this forum here and I would love to be a part of it. I love contributing to the community.
I can probably add some humour to start with. Here are some funny stories that I read somewhere.

A patient comes to a Dentist with a tooth pain.
Dentist : Two of you teeth are infected and we need to extract them.
Patient: How much will it cost?
Dentist: Seven hundred and fifty dollars for both.
Patient: What? Seven hundred and fifty dollars for 10 minutes of work?
Dentist: Well, if you like, I can pull them out slowly! http://www.westcoastpayday.com/payday-loans.gif (http://www.westcoastpayday.com)

Here is another one:

Husband and wife have just left their home for camping.
Wife: We should turn the car back! I forgot to turn off the gas stove and it might burn our appartment!
Husband: It's okay, the apartment will not burn, I forgot to turn off the shower.

The last one:

A trial is in progress in the court room.
Lawyer: Your Honour, if a person has 18 criminal records he is not a criminal.
Judge: Then who is he?
Lawyer: He is a Collector.

Concert Queen Pops Fernandez and Jomari Yllana have each confirmed their breakup but neither has spoken up about the real reason behind it, prompting rumors that money-related matters or a possible third party caused it.

But Good Times Manila learned from a source who personally witnessed the breakup that neither of those was the real reason.

According to the source, a waiter at a five-star hotel where the breakup became official, the couple had a "long and calm" discussion until they arrived at a mutual agreement to split up.

GTM asked the source to reconstruct the scene as well as the dialogue.

Disclaimer: GTM is not responsible for any creative or dramatic license the source might have added to the source material, like what ABS-CBN's anthology Maalaala Mo Kaya did.

The source's account follows:

Pops: ...what I'm just saying is, it's not right.
Jomari: Ano'ng ibig mo'ng sabihin? I already said it meant nothing.
Pops: It obviously meant something. You were both laughing like crazy.
Jomari: So what if we were? Usapang lalaki lang yun, babe.
Pops: Why won't you just tell me what you were talking about?
Jomari: Bakit? Dapat ko ba'ng ireport sa yo lahat ng conversations ko?
Pops: No naman. My point simply is I want to know.
Jomari: Why?
Pops: I don't know.
Jomari: See? You don't even know.
Pops: Pero why don't you just say it kasi? Nakakahiya ba?
Jomari: No. Nothing like that. Like I said, usapang lalaki lang yun.
Pops: Usapang lalaki. But we talk about stuff like that all the time, di ba? What's different here?
Jomari: We don't talk about that. Babe, just leave it. Please?
Pops: I don't want to.

Jomari: Why are you so curious?
Pops: Because you were laughing so hard and you were both looking at me!
Sino'ng hindi macu-curious?
Jomari: Shempre nandun ka sa loob. Sino pa'ng titingnan namin? Nobody else was inside the pet shop.
Pops: So what were you laughing about?
Jomari: Wala nga, babe e.
Pops: Was it about me?
Jomari: No!
Pops: It's about me yata e.
Jomari: I swear it's NOT.

Pops: I'm going to walk out.
Jomari: C'mon babe. Sit down.
Pops: Joms, if you don't tell me what you were talking about, I'm walking out now.
Jomari: You really want to know?
Pops: Yes!
Jomari: Okay. But before I say it, I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you.
Pops: Bakit my disclaimer pa?
Jomari: E kilala kita e. Basta just hear out the whole story first, okay?
Pops: Okay fine.

Reading website profiles is almost like being in a party. Some profiles, just like people, are instantly accommodating and warm. Some are honest and sometimes even lovable. Some are funny, witty and entertaining. There are sexy, kinky, horny profiles that dont leave much to the imagination. You have profiles that, after saying gazillions of words - dont say anything at all. But that’s okay I guess. Say what you want... it's your profile!

Here's something I wrote in my boredom --- a tribute to the beautiful profiles we create and the things we describe ourselves in our effort to catch somebody’s attention.

And I call it...WHAT THINGS REALLY MEAN IN PERSONAL SITES:[/COLOR]

5. I AM FUNNY = That fact that he has to say that he is funny is hilarious.

14. I AM THE LIFE OF THE PARTY = A Boyoyong party clown.

18. "WALA LANG" = Has a ten-word vocabulary which includes “cool”,“hi”,“wassup”, “he he”, “ha ha” and “tnx.” Longest word he can write is his name.