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First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

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I read this article Second Wives Club over at MadameNoire.Com and found it and the ensuing comments riddled with a myriad of reasons why being The Second Wife was a bad thing. Here’s my take on why it’s not necessarily the case.

A man married and subsequently divorced could be a measure of many things, but one never knows unless they ask the questions needed to get to the truth; well, at least his version of it should determine whether or not those reasons are good enough for you to pursue a relationship with him. That aside for a moment, let us consider this, which was not raised…For the most part, we are all someone’s second. Being a second girlfriend exposes us to some of the same dramas, issues, ups, downs, as being a second wife; it’s on the title that changes. If he cheated in his previous relationship, he may very well cheat again with his second. If he had a trifling baby mama, she could very well be a burden in his second relationship. The list continues without my having to bring it forward. Being a second at anything isn’t always bad unless the women enjoys being a mistress and that in and of itself is a whole other issue.

The many comments from the article suggested the drama of the first wife, children, finances, etc could become problems in the second marriage. While I don’t disagree with that, I don’t think it makes being the second wife a bad thing unless he’s not doing his part to ensure the future wife is protected from such bullshiggity. In addition, it’s the second Mrs. that has to do her due diligence to determine whether or not she can or will want to deal with any negativity that may carry over from his first marriage. The woman has a role and is the deciding factor in her moving forward as Mrs. Number Two.

From my personal experience, I spoke to issues and concerns with My Love in regards to his ex-wife and their children. I spoke to that which I would and wouldn’t tolerate and how his children’s behaviour could impact not his and my relationship. We addressed my concerns and came to solutions in order to alleviate any potential stress or drama. I am not friends, nor do I need to be with his ex, but we’re amicable and can be around each other as a situation dictates without incident.

It annoys and galls me that women find the need to be so damned insecure, petty, catty, and the likes when both she and he have divorced. As long as the kids are taken care of, support as dictated or agreed to has been established, and there is no slandering of the respective new party, why should there be drama? Granted, there are those who are just so ignorant, insecure, and short-sighted to move on with their lives that can and will find ways to be a nuisance, but to what end? Showing ones ass only makes a situation worse all around and no one has time for that nonsense; well, I don’t.

Marriages fall apart and just because the first one did is not indicative that the second one will. Sometimes good people simply aren’t good together for whatever reason, so why not allow themselves to move on and try again? At least for better reasons!

Both My Love and I are divorced. I have no dealings or contact with my ex since we didn’t have children together, but My Love has two children with his and shared custody so there is always going to be interaction with her in some way. I’ve firmly stated my ground and reiterate it where necessary. I’ve spoken my peace regarding his children and that has been abided by. I’m the mother of a 22-year old daughter; therefore, I’ve had a lot of experience with raising a child; a lot of which can and will save him from a lot of drama; especially with his daughter. Yes, she’s her own person and will do her own thing; however, my experience and influence should not and fortunately is not discarded or discounted. His son is a whole different ball game, but a child is a child and their traits are quite similar and I’ve had stepson’s in my previous marriage. Experience I’m not without!

First place is always striven for; however, second place has its merits too. The second time around comes with seasoning and refinement. The second time has given you a different life perspective that didn’t come the first time around. An awareness, a sense of self, a growth and maturity, and a want for something that lacked the first time is a gift that comes with appreciation and not expectation. The second time comes with a desire for greater success and a willingness to do more.

I’ve been the second, third, forth in many relationships; my former marriage included, but at no time did I ever discount myself for that ranking. I’ve learned and grown with each experience to be at the place I am now. Of all my relationships, the one with myself has been a hard-earned one. I was second to myself to the deficit for quite some time and it wasn’t until I corrected negatively learned things, that I finally came into myself. No one in the article seemed to consider that! We don’t come into our initial relationships whole, we have to go through many trails and errors in order to be crafted into the fullness and wholeness we become; or at least hope to become before we can be worthy of being a First and so few of us are. To those fortunate to have found The One and The ONLY, I applaud them, but I also know it’s not without work to maintain that. My favourite male cousin has been married for over 30 years, but I know there was infidelity on his part; she didn’t know, or at least I don’t think she did. I know there were many trials and struggles to maintain a marriage of that duration and I wholly applaud that. However, I still will not discount those second marriages. We all need something negative in order to experience and appreciate the positive. Sometimes love is better the second time around!

Yea, I said it!

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So, My Love and I have a great sex life…TMI, I’m sure, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of. I’m pretty open to most things and we experience each other in mutually beneficial ways. What’s amusing about our sex life is that he’s often said, I’m like a dude sometimes sexually. Here’s some of my actions that he considers ‘dude like’…

I’m not one who has to orgasm every time I have sex; sometimes I just want to do it for the sake of doing it.

I can be mad and still want to have sex; one is emotional and one is physical..caveat is that it depends on what I’m mad about

I can have sex daily and more than once

Masturbation is necessary and sometimes done for no other reason than “I can”

Sex doesn’t have to be all pink and lacy; sometimes I like it rough, raw, and carnal

Getting head is necessary; not every time, but it has to happen as required

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Truth be told, of all the fights I’ve had in my life; there have been many, the majority have been with a guy. I grew up with brothers and hung out with them and/or their friends often. I was a Tom-Boy growing up, so the likelihood of my getting into a situation was pretty high. Couple that with the fact that my youngest brother and I are only two years apart, it was pretty much a given that if you messed with one of us, you’d be running the risk of messing with both of us. No matter how things stood between us, there was no way you were going to eff with my family. I can’t say I was a mouthy kid, that was mostly my brothers and their friends. I was more the silent, vengeful type who’d open a can of ‘Get Right’ and unleash it like a wild cat in pursuit of her prey. I’m actually still very much that way. As long as I’m still talking, you’re pretty much safe; however, it’s when I’ve stopped talking and you think things are cool, is when I’m likely to strike.

When I was in Basic Training, I went through it with two male platoons, which was pretty much unheard of at the time. There wasn’t enough girls for start a company without keeping us for weeks as holdovers and the males were a platoon short of a full company, so the powers that be decided to merge us all. Many of the girls were unhappy about having to compete against the boys citing they had greater strength etc, than they did. Really? You’re in Basic Training hun! Take off your Garanimals and put your big girl panties on! Basic wasn’t going to be a cake walk for anyone regardless of gender.

Given that I’d grown up with the boys and had infiltrated their world, I had some insight to how they operated. Couple that with my having been schooled about the ins and outs of Basic from guys friends and family who’d already been through it, I know how to play the game and roll with the punches. Over the course of the eight weeks, I became a force to be reckoned with and was both feared and loved by my peers. There wasn’t a challenge I wouldn’t accept and there wasn’t anyone I allowed to try to punk me. Not that I’m actually proud of it, but I was actually quite the bully in my platoon. I’d cash checks on those that wanted to write them, dared both genders to try me, and refused to allow anyone to intimidate me; that included the Drill Sergeants. The odd thing was, it wasn’t that I was so strong, it was that I had so much repressed anger and pain bottled up inside me, that environment was the perfect place for me to unleash it all and unleash it I did. I was strong. I was fierce. And I was determined.

Some of the girls hated me because I wouldn’t be or act weak or try to use my feminine wiles to get over. C’mon chick! That was neither the time or place and I especially despise when women reduce themselves to this tactic. The guys actually respected and feared me because I wouldn’t play dumb and I met them head on. A few were literally scared of me given some random acts of violence I inflicted, but at the end of the day, it was all about survival and achieving the ultimate goal of graduating. I’d given up too much to not succeed.

Since Basic to now, I know I’ve maintained the same source of strength and refuse to ever appear weak, even if that’s really how I’m feeling. I’ve overcome too much to let a man think he can rule me or that I won’t stand up and fight. My ex-husband came dangerously close to testing me on that one. Hence, his being my EX!!!

I won’t speak for all women, but I know this about myself…I’ve earned who I am as a woman and I’ve earned my strength by never allowing a man to think his balls are bigger than mine. I give as good as it gets and I give as good as I can take. I still prefer the company of men to women and am the “go to gal” with my guy friends. I have a couple of women in my life that I know would employ from frightening means of having my back and me theirs. I’m not game for the bullshit and drama that often comes with having too many women friends. As you saw in my post Blog Challenge: Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without, I strive to avoid the drama as much as possible.

In closing, I’ll rest on this quote and let that resonate in your spirit for a while…

where I spoke about relationships as we create them to be and what they actually are.

I’m still reading the book: The Adventures of a Love Investigator, 527 Naked Men & One Woman – Barbara Silkstone that inspired the post and the more I read it, the more I see how and why so many relationships thrive or fail. I’m encouraged that the men are speaking so freely, openly, and honestly to the women interviewing them because they’re speaking truths; albeit their own, but it can be a truth none the less.

I think of this statement, “How do you take the first steps toward divorce? You marry the wrong person.” I can’t tell you how true this is. I did it. The writing was on the wall in my marriage from the very start. I was involved with a man who was cheating on his wife. He also cheated on my while cheating on her, which should have been enough for me to let him go, but I thought I was completely in love with him and he thought the same. Writing these words, Tina Turner’s ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It?’ Comes to mind and I laugh a sad laugh because it’s true. Love can very often be exactly what you want it to be and in my case, I wanted it to be him. I’d had a crush on him since I was 19, but avoided a relationship due our eight year age difference and I was months shy of starting my military career, which would and have to take precedence over a relationship. Years later, we came back into each other lives and I thought it was fate for us to be together, but it was yet another left turn. When we finally became a couple it was almost founded on duress after a close mutual friend told him I was too nice a girl to waiting around and certainly didn’t deserve to be a side piece.

Long story short, all the signs that I’d previously ignored shone so brightly they couldn’t be ignored anymore and after some initial trying, we couldn’t make it work and divorced. The ironic part of it all is that he and I were such good friends initially and we seemed like one of those couple who’d remain friends even after a break up, but that wasn’t to be. The absolute saddest part of it all was/is all the things he initially loved about me, became all the things he grew to hate; hence, the opening quote.

I know quite a few people I’ve had to have the “good people aren’t always good together” talk with based on my own experience, common sense, and that state of their relationship. We have to learn that signs are there for a reason. They’re God’s little whisper to us to pay attention, but given that most of us are completely hard-headed, we ignore the signs, forge onward, and then wonder “how did I get here” too late after the fact.

I’ve learned the importance of knowing myself before entering into a relationship because I didn’t want to be one of those “women..guilty of inserting themselves into the man-puzzle when it suits their agenda…” which so many, many women do. It’s a tremendously bad and damaging position to hold and she’ll ultimately do more harm than good in the relationship. I’ve also certainly taken every effort to know whom I’m getting involved with. My Love and I didn’t have it easy in the beginning, but with time, patience, and lots of open and honest dialogue we saw through the issues to make things work. I hold no fantasies of what our lives could and would be, but accepted the reality of our many differences, life experiences, and life goals, which are far more important. I reserve fantasy for my celebrity crushes! 😉

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Flash back to my time in VA…One of the girls in my squad was sporting an engagement ring that could’ve sunk a modern-day Titanic who seemed very much into her future husband. Well, that was until she met Specialist Jackson. They immediately hit it off; against training standards, and a sexual relationship quickly ensued. In spite of my warnings and those of the company commander, she continued. Well, one day I was checking the dorms to make sure they were clean and everyone was out when I heard the shower running. A quick peek to see who it was and why revealed said young lady with hickeys and other sexually created marks on her body. I advised that she hurry and her response was hysterical tears. She confided that her fiance would be arriving that evening and she didn’t know what she was going to do. It was supposed to be a surprise, but someone in the office messed up and told her. The mix up afforded her time to come up with a way to get out of having sex with him, but it certainly needed to be good enough to justify the marks on her body. I didn’t feel bad for her because she knew better and had been warned, but hard ears makes a soft behind; or in her case; cost her a ring and marriage.

Back to me…If I had a dollar for every married man or man with a girlfriend, I’d have a decent chunk of change sitting tax-free in an offshore account. Yes, infidelity was that serious!

Some were more discreet in their flirting or ways of finding out where my moral compass pointed; however, most were pretty overt and made countless attempts to have me be their side piece. Hell, my ex-husbands father used to make passes at me back in the day before his son and I got together. Makes my skin crawl rethinking it! Let me clarify something as not to be misunderstood because it takes two to tango and trust me when I tell you that there were many married women engaged in various acts of infidelity. I wasn’t surprised per se, but it was funny how they handled their business with a little more finesse and discretion.

I heard men plotting on the new girls that came in on how they’d be their weekend girlfriend or their Annual Training wife. They made offerings of helping them with their training or whatever else they could to sway her into their favour and once they had her, she became shop fodder amongst the men and another notch on their proverbial bedpost. When I was approached, I made it known I’d be no one’s tabloid discussion and there’s nothing they had that I needed to compromise my character for. Oh, trust your girl was “stuck up”, “she must think her p*ssy is lined with gold”, or some other snarky remark. I proudly wore whatever moniker they gave me instead of being anyone’s cum dumpster.

Rank had its privileges because the lower ranking girls thought themselves special for hooking up with the higher ranking enlisted or officers. As I said, it was not limited to men as I saw an E-6 hook up with an E-4 for no other reason than him being cute and having a nice body. Officers and high enlisted alike made promises of special treatment to those who took up with them and their boys were sometimes given preferential assignments for being alibis and such. Olivia Pope would have been proud of how they handled their indiscretions and cover ups…lol…I digress, but they did take esprit de corps to a whole new place!

Being one to never want to be in the lime light and shied away from anything that even remotely stunk of drama, I hated that I knew what I did and found myself being questioned here and there about the (alleged) actions of others even if it was just for curiosity’s sake. It’s sad to recall how many no sooner kissed their kids, spouses, and significant others goodbye and then began kissing their military spouse hello.

Military marriages suffer high rates of divorce primary due to a cheating spouse, which I’ve personally witnessed. I saw a good friend no sooner leave for a 30-day deployment and his wife’s boyfriend keep the bed warm in his absence. Neighbours knew and said nothing; they were probably likewise guilty. It was a gut feeling on his part that caught her in the act. He told her he was leaving for training, packed his stuff and left. He parked around the corner and double backed on foot to the house where he saw an unfamiliar car parked in his driveway. He let himself in through the side door and found his wife and lover on the couch in the act. Talk about coitus interuptus!! Although she was a civilian, she ended up losing the most to include custody of their daughter.

Conversely, there are many spouses who condone infidelity by citing long or extended deployments, recurring training schedules, or some other reason because they’ve grown accustomed to the lifestyle provided by their military spouse. General Sinclair’s wife alluded to such in her statement. Sorry son, I’m not going to make such excuses and there is no amount of lifestyle that will make me think otherwise. I’m not standing by my man and I’m not going to be made light of or become a part of media sensationalism as a result of his actions.

Again, I understand military life, but there is no excuse for the behaviour these and many other have exhibited. A military career is hard-earned and fought hard for and shouldn’t be reduced to something demeaning and seedy to end it. I want to feel bad for either General in some way and maybe if I hadn’t been in the service, I may have a little compassion, but since I’ve been there, I can’t and won’t. I’ve seen how many high-ranking men use and abuse their authority. I’ve seen them manipulate, coerce, cajole, threaten, etc., to get what they want. Sadly, I’ve seen women counter by giving of themselves with hidden agendas; however, any way you slice it, both parties are wrong. In this instance, these men displayed blatant disregard for their marriages, careers, reputations, and whatever else it has cost them. I feel for the spouses; slightly, but I mostly feel for the kids who will have to live and relive this scandal. With today’s technology, there is no undoing what’s published. Personally, I might be inclined to want to change my last name to reduce any known or future associations, but it may never truly remove the human stain. Actions speak louder than words and theirs are the beacons that we will see for all perpetuity.