When I first came to the full understanding that my life (childhood)was not all that (I really realized that I had been molested and the aftermath was profound) The shock of it all made me change so much that nothing seemed real, it felt like I was in a dream or in a movie. The horror that was now real, all the adolesent and adult failures that resulted from the poor coping mechanisms, the fear, the stress of living up to a standard that no one could meet because of one night at my friends house, one night, one man, one trauma had truly damaged me. I realized that all the addictions had come about to pseudo resolve this unresolved pain that I had hidden for years and when all of this came into perspective I truly felt like I was watching life from somewhere else like a movie, people looked and acted different, things that used to excite me no longer had an attraction. I no longer needed things to sustain me, and I also felt like I was no longer motivated to live, I did not want to die but I did not know how to continue the process of living. My addictions were gone and my brain was calm, nothing needed to be solved or thought about except were to go from here. I am coming out of this phase but man it is wierd and it was difficult like starting a new but with a confused mind.

Many survivors get that feeling, and under the same circumstances as you describe. It seems like everything you know or have known in the past is nothing compared to this. Those things just don't seem "real" anymore, and what you have to face now is such a shock.

This phase will pass, but it comes back in various forms as you go through later phases too. I have always found it VERY strange and uncomfortable, but after the first one, which is where you are, you can look back and say oh yeah, been here before!

My own take on this is that I feel like I am seeing a "me" that I had totally missed before, so now I feel like I am reinventing myself, or at least adjusting to a new me that I didn't know was there. You put it this way: "I did not know how to continue the process of living". My words for it were something like: "I didn't know what to do with myself or what to do next".

Strange as it feels as you go through this, it's a positive step and a sign you are moving forward. I felt that way because the next step for me was to think, okay, what can /should I do about this?

My only question here would be this: Have you allowed yourself to be angry? Are you in touch with your feelings about what happened? It's important that you let out how you really feel, and from what you are saying it looks like you are trying to keep these feelings "under control". The truth can't hurt us bro, but holding back how we feel can delay our progress.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

Hi John. I coped by merely living day to day. All I did was exist. I made no plans for my future, I was a "little preoccupied" to do that. So here I am at 37, with nothinig but marginal employment, poor-self image, no family of my own, no intamacy, no girlfriends in over 10 years, the list goes on.

I'm so damned dysfunctional I can actually laugh at myself!

Interesting how many of you guys here became proffessionals in your fields, and started families etc. I don't know how the hell you guys did it with all this shit dragging you around.

Again, thanks for the great responses, and again I do not feel alone, I am smiling and laughing now, right now. This damn site and all of you guys make my day. Larry, you are making me think, and I have been mad about it and the anger did come out during therapy but I think you are right and by George you are, I have been feeling like I am pissed off about it, because I am having to start over, but it also feels good just strange but good. Not being able to function like I used to is good because the way I used to function came from things, the addictions and now they are gone, well almost all of them. Learning how to just be myself and trusting myself is, I guess the problem, but then again I might be angry and not letting it out. Hauser I hope you don't mind but I did laugh out loud about this;

"I'm so damned dysfunctional I can actually laugh at myself!"

I feel the same way and I do laugh at myself at times and I think that is healthy.

Hauser, I can only tell you that I was trying to prove myself to the world and that is what drove me to achieve.

"Interesting how many of you guys here became proffessionals in your fields, and started families etc. I don't know how the hell you guys did it with all this shit dragging you around."

I was so busy trying to prove to the world that I had not been molested (manly jobs, manly things, trophy wife, weight training - "big man", accomplish, accomplish accomplish and that will make me happy, that will take this pain away, not. when I woke up (faced the molestation) I had achieved a lot of things but they did not matter anymore, when I stopped feeling guilty about the molestation I no longer had to prove anything to anyone, I was happy just being me i.e. I did not do it, he did, I was 9 years old I barely knew I had a penis much less what to do with it.

Now I am just trying to find the real me, and it is hard because my mind does not react to things or people or words or anything the way it used to.

I totalling understand what you are saying about life being watching a movie. When I first started having images of my abuse, I didn't understand any of it because it was like watch a movie that seemed just oh so real. I know all the character but I could understand why they where it this movie that made no sense to me. There are still times when I have flashbacks, I try to pinpoint what may have caused the flashed back, but that sometime become hard to do.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,Troy________________________________________________________I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

Children have an amazing clearing up mechanism - crying, they cry at the drop of the hat and within a minute are laughing again as if nothing happened.

The problem with abuse is that since it involves shame, guilt and fear it blocks this natural process, and hence the need for overt coping mechanisms.

So I missed this grieving part of my recovery, as I didn't come home and cry, instead I went into this long cycle of hiding my pain and then trying to cope with my emotions, recovery is relearning to cry, to vent and release an experience once its over. SO that no emotional baggage is left.

Crying as grieving I believe is an essential act of healing that is why most societies have mandatory periods of grieving after a passover. As during this period we allow the experience to be healed by releasing all the pain and be prepared to start afresh. The Rebirth.

If we miss or skip this period as it happens during childhood abuse, we stay trapped in this extended or overt period of brooding. We have developed the skills of vent or stop ourselves due to numerous fears and guilt and shame that come with the act of abuse, so we stay trapped down there with our abuse story. That is why letting out story out is such an essential part of recovery, but more important than that is allowing ourselves to grieve to mourn our loss of innocence and broken dreams.

No matter how late that might be, it was always good to clear up the old before we plant the new in our lives.

The old must die before the Re-birth can happen.

Having said that life always brings us at junctures where we feel as if the old rules dont apply any more and old behaviour or reactionary patterns no longer hold true or sound valid, that is when we need rework our internal dialogues and see new meanings to the present and redefine ourselves and perhaps reinvent. That for me is the most exciting phase, when I dont know what to do!

Man that was well put Morning Star. I feel the same way, I cried but it was a silent internal cry, it tried to get out but the wall I had unkowingly installed that night would not let it go, I wanted to think that it did not happen but as we all know it will come out and it did for me and I could not be happier that it surfaced so I could deal with it. I guess you are right, I should embrase these new feelings and be happy that I am not sure what to do or what to think. It is like a new lease on life and I get to start over, rediscover things and begin all over. Thanks Morning Star

I just walked outside and thought about it some more and man this it great, I am thinking about this all different. Instead of fighting these new feelings I should be happy that I am changing, I think it is the real me coming out and I guess that is the strange part. I am not used to this person, the new me does not like the things of old and I a guess I am having a hard time turning loose of the old ways, the addictions are not hard to let go of but the motive to live has changed, i.e. I loved bodybuilding because I thought it would make me look more intimidating, like no one would believe a man that big could have been molested. I guess I figured the more manly I looked the more people would like me and believe that I was a real man. I took steriods to help improve my success, my testosterone levels were low and I did it with a physicians advise but I also wanted it to get as big as possible. The bigger the better, people would respect me is what I thought, well now I find that I am not interested in that anymore along with a lot of other things and it is hard to turn loose of. My entire life has changed in what seems to have taken place over night and I should not beat myself up over it or be scared of the new feelings. Again thanks for the response,

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