Shouldn’t I be excited about this?

We booked tickets for Guatemala on Saturday. I will be meeting my son ( g-d willing, knocking wood and tossing salt all ways) for the first time on my 32nd birthday. In about six weeks.

I think I would feel more excited about it if I had concrete information about how he was doing and how our case was doing.

The last thing I heard was that the DNA test had been scheduled but the mom was sick and couldn’t make it. That was over a week ago. And we are in Family Court, but I don’t know which one and whether it is the new bad one or what… I talked to a guy who had adopted with this agency yesterday, and he said the hardest thing for him was being a hands-on kind of person and not being able to do anything or know what was going on at any given moment. But that they knew what they were doing and should be trusted.

I think this may be a legacy of living with chronic illness: I don’t trust people to have my best interests in mind. The pharmacist who always looks offended when I open the bag and double check that I’ve been given the right medicine? Sorry, my friend, but I have been given the wrong thing any number of times. The doctor who obviously hasn’t really read my chart and gets all worked up because I have sugar in my urine?

Because our agency does kind of an all in one deal, the fee includes things like the DNA test, so I won’t see that show up on the credit card bill like most people do. They also recently changed some of the things which the fee covers, which irritates me, although I know we signed something saying we knew this could happen and were okay with it.

I also haven’t gotten JANUARY medicals or photos yet, and supposedly lots of families are there visiting and we should be getting lots of new photos soon, but I haven’t seen a damn thing… And I wish our medical reports included developmental information… they’re really just stats.

Whine, whine, whine.

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I think it’s really hard to get exctited about something that might or might not happen. Because if you get excited and something happens and you don’t get to meet your son, then the let down is that much worse. I just know that things are going to work out, I just know it!

Congratulations, this is great news. I imagine you’re excited and scared in more or less equal proportions.

You bring up a good point about being out of control. One thing we realized after our first adoption from China is that the authorities there really want the adoption to succeed. Yes they want to live by the rule of law — but they’re primarily interested in what happens to their children. He will only be your child after all the legalities are behind, up to then I expect they’ll be primarily focused on his needs.

If you can place your trust in the various parties involved I hope that you can have the same joy and happiness that we’ve experienced on all three of our adoptions. You know, after all the various bumps along the way are behind you.

It’s ok to be nervous. A girl has to protect herself, right?
Just wait ’til you get there. It will be all over. You will love him so big you just won’t believe it.
I’ll be excited for you until you’re ready to take over.

You know, it is hard to be excited. Excited means opening your heart so wide and you have waited so long and been through so much, and still nothing is for sure yet. I just don’t blame you. Also, I think there is often a moment in the process (of having a baby through adoption or birth) when you are suposed to be excited and you just are NOT. When it gets close to being really real it is terrifying.

That’s great news that you’ve got a visit booked, and I really hope that all the possible problem issues turn out to be already sorted/heading in the right direction.
Totally understandable to hold back on the excitement though. I too would HATE not being in control/knowing what’s going on all the time.

Oh, I so get the point where you’re supposed to be excited and you’re not. Totally understandable. I hope all goes well and we can be excited for you a bit. It really is cool that it’s on your birthday.

Oh honey… I understand you not being excited. Getting excited makes you more open to getting hurt.
Hopefully you get some news soon. It’s about time! And screw the pharmacist. I always check too, and they expect it. Anyone who doesn’t check is a bit naive.

One of the most aggravating things about this is that even though by all intents and purposes we are consumers, we have no consumer rights. Granted we do not have those rights lest we cross an ethical line. We are not really buying a child right? (It’s hard to tell the difference between buying and paying for services when the payments demanded are so monstrous.)

The lack of fiscal accountability is absurd but in Bizarro Land we are just supposed to accept it. We signed a contract, after all, a contract which protects the agency but not us. Did we have a choice about the contract? No, not if we really want to adopt. They are functioning under a standard that doesn’t vary much from one agency to the next. No other service would be allowed to be so vague and capricious.

If anything, chronic illness has made you appropriately skeptical. With all the undotted i’s and uncrossed t’s it must be very scary. I hope you can get some answers while you are there.

I’m there with you in double-checking prescription bags and wishing doctors would give me a little credit for actually LIVING with the illness and knowing a little something about it, not just READING about it in a textbook.

Not having control of the process must be really hard, and not knowing so much about what’s going on must be even harder. Things will change gradually, and seeing him will be AMAZING.