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It’s a freezing cold Monday and though I am trying to break myself of an extreme coffee addiction I pour a cup and grab a breakfast bar and jump in the car REALLY wishing it was a snow day. Across campus I trudge reminding myself how fortunate I am and to count my blessing, not disregard them as punishments.
Good Morning Ms. Lopez!
I say as I drop my dance bag off knowing I won’t see my house until at least 7:30 that night. Up 2 more flights of stairs to Adv world lit where I sit torn between modernism and post modernism. The man who teaches the class has a DR in law and in education, so he argues the points back and forth with himself opening it up to the peanut gallery with 15 minuets left. There are a whole lot of questions and very few answers.
BEEP
On to Period 2 back down those flights of steps and to Spanish. From the moment I walk in that door until the moment I walk out no English will be spoken. Oedipus Rex is left at the door right next to a pile of “OMG!s” and “did you see her tweet?! I mean my gosh!”. Silence besides our little esponal teacher explaining and unknown concept in another language. And that is when the knot comes. The one that pulls tights against my chest and overcomes my whole body. I tense up and start scribble lists down.
The list grows and grows and all that happens is I get more and more overwhelmed and all I can think about is that bag packed in the corner. The one that is keeping me away from home but yet brings me so much relaxation. All day I struggle to go and teach dance or go home and study and do homework. Finally when my list has exceeded the length of my paper I text my mom having her make the decision for me. Honestly what would I do without her? I knew what her answer would be, I knew what I should do but I just couldn’t make the call myself. So home at 5:30 and doing homework until 11. And in 6.5 hours I’m waking up to do it again.
But tomorrow I plan to leave the trudging at home. I will leave the idea of doubt in bed. The knot that consumes me on the daily will be tied in a bow and left in place of my uniform. Tomorrow I will ace the morality test. I will understand the subjunctive. Geometry will not pull my hair out. Tomorrow I will find the good in my education and be proud of the stress. I will acknowledged the grounds I am receiving the gift of schooling on and I will pray for women around that world that someday they may trudge and doubt and sit at a desk doing hours of work on top of the hours of school. Because I am fortunate to experience it now I pray they will complain one day too.