Saturday, October 27, 2012

So this week we had a pretty classic email chain at work that involved pretty much all the standard memes that are floating around. Since I am staggering in a barren desert, bereft of blog ideas, I am going to let the memes do the talking for me...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

How boring would the world be if every girl were the same? More importantly, how boring would the world be if soccer was the only sport?

maybe not that terrible...

NO it would suck. Variety is critical, particularly in an age where our attention spans last all of 12 seconds. There are people in this league who would openly and proudly state that they do not and will not read books because it takes too long and they can just watch TV. Twitter lets us say things and read things in 140 characters or less, because 200 characters (aka TWO SENTENCES) is too much.

We crave variety, and fortunately for us, fantasy football is no exception. We play by a uniform set of rules, but after that, how we do it is totally up to us. We have some people who put in a lot of hours studying stats and data. Some people read everything they can on the interblogs. Some people just look at the predictions on Yahoo. Some people wait each week for a nasty email from the Commish about updating their team. Some of us have so much to say that we write our own blog.

One place where we all have different mindsets is in how to trade. You need not look past the fact that there have been NO trades this season as proof. Well, it could just be that people are too lazy or uninterested to trade, but I know of several trade efforts that have gone around and never come to fruition because of irreconcilable differences. Maybe if we all try to understand all the trading personalities that are out there, we may have more success in the future. Any reference to actual people or teams in this league is purely coincidental.

What type of trader are you?

The Used Car Salesman

MO: The used-car salesman offers up old, has-been players supported by hollow promises and meaningless guarantees in the hopes that nostalgia may win out. He preys on impulse buying by owners, providing what seems to be a good deal on the surface, but is predicated on distant pass success. The buyer wants so bad to believe that the old rust bucket still has a little magic left, and the used car salesman tries to make them.

Example Trade: Randy Moss for literally anyone in the league.

Someone offered me a trade - me for Justin Blackmon....hmmmmm.....I used to be good....

The Statistician

MO: Stats can tell any story that you, if you find the right ones. The statistician will attempt to exploit this fact to push through what is a universally seen as a shitty trade offer. Typically the trade offer comes with some seemingly eye-opening statistics meant to blind the trade partner from the real facts. You might see something like this - "He's averaged 13 points a game this season, 14+ in the last 4 games. Looking at all RB/WR/TE and their averages, he is in the top 70. Considering we have to start 7 people at those positions each week, that makes him a must start in my opinion. He's top 5/6 in TE's, depending on how you look at it."

Yes there it is - depending on how you look at it. The key phrase for the statistician. Watch for this.

Some random things come up when you Google Image Search "statistician."

The King Theoden

MO: King Theoden lets them come to him. He does not meet halfway. He does not converse. He does not instigate. If shit gets bad, he takes all his people he retreats to Helm's Deep. This is effectively baiting then enemy into walking into a trap. In Fantasy Football terms, the King Theoden will announce via message board, the trading block, email or whatever that they are open to trades for various players. Typically this will include all of their studs, their keepers, and their shitty players. Then they sit back and wait. If they feel adventurous they may say something like "I want a WR" but nothing more. Let the fools come, and I shall SMITE down their offers and undermine their self-esteem until they accept a less-than-stellar trade offer. Passive-aggressive is the name of the game. Note that there is a general undertone of laziness here as well.

Example Trade:

Team X put the following people on the trading block: Everyone

Team X wants a RB, but none of the ones that you will offer are adequate.

Just try an offer me a trade. I am asking you to. Really, I am. Can't you tell?

The Venture Capitalist (aka Scrooge McDuck)

MO: The Venture Capitalist, or VC, offers you an cash investment in exchange for some return on investment down the line. They accept the lion-share of the risk, but they will reap the majority of the benefits. Typically the trade offers seem to good to be true at the moment. You're being offered solid dependable performers for the flyer pick on your bench and a stud. The VC focuses on the risk of the flyer pick, how they are hoping for big things down the line in the playoffs, and how you could use the dependable performance to even have a shot. VCs are typically already rich, meaning they have a solid team and are in the top half of the standings. In reality, the VC is going for the stud. They have the depth to pass you two dependable players for the stud, but the flyer offers a distraction.

The Jerry Macguire

MO: Help me help you! The Jerry Macguire assesses the trade in depth and presents it in a light of the greatest good to all involved. Team A has this weakness and Team B has that weakness and with a simple trade both of these weaknesses can be addressed. This is similar to the VC, except that typically players will all be on a relatively similar level, and the discussion focuses on honest benefit to both teams. The Jerry will try to hide potential issues with their players, be it injury potential, strength of schedule etc, and will similarly not focus on perceived weaknesses of the players they are taking. Jerry knows what he is getting into. The critical issue with any Jerry Macguire trade is the manner in which the owners assign value to their players. In this respect, Jerry Macguire moonlights as a statistician, bending the stats to portray approximately equal value to both teams.

As Good as it Gets Guy (AGGG)

MO: The AGGG offers a ridiculous trade. When it is rejected, he offers an even worse trade, which is also subsequently rejected. The cycle continues until the offer is so bad that the first offer begins to look good. You want to make a trade, so you start to reconsider the initial offer. The AGGG attempts to take advantage of your desire to make a trade to improve your team. He is patient, but takes a hard line. The first offer is as good as it gets.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I really do not have a lot of specific things to talk about this week, so who knows where this is going to go. Josh was kind enough to send us another rant which I will include at some point, but FIRST...

Championship Trophy Update!

The Iron Lady survived her trip across the Atlantic and is currently getting a facelift and spa treatment at the Korean Trophy place across Cheltenham Ave. from my house. The little old Korean lady at the shop was very entertained by Josh's team name from last year - Balls and Shaft. As early as the end of next week, she will be making the journey to Jersey City where she will reside until February. Josh - sorry about the short tenure at your house...make it count cause it's not going to extend any longer.

Upsetting the Natural Balance...

So in case you missed it, Josh commented that my blog "upset the natural balance of the league." Now, my personal opinion is that this comment alone has doomed Josh's team to failure this year so I am personally pretty excited. The veiled arrogance cannot be ignored. We aren't talking about drafts here - that's a different story.

Essentially, what Josh was saying was that the rich should get richer while the middle class should suffer, and Nate should stop accepting government handouts and get a damn job. Obama 2012!

The good thing about this comment is that it brought Pat out of his Cone of Silence and got a discussion going about my draft grades. I have been super busy with work, but have been looking forward to this all week. Here is a brief summary of Pat's criticisms of my comments:

1. My battered QBs are doing ok so far this season, huh?

So the comment I made was that you adopted all of the battered QBs from LAST SEASON. When you picked up Manning it was clear that he was not taking any snaps all season. Schaub missed the last 6 games of the season with the Lisfranc injury he got when Fatty Haynesworth fell on him. So yeah, I stand by that comment - it's an objective fact. I didn't say it was a bad move.

2. My RB's are soft: I can see how you might say that Bradshaw & Bush are soft, but not AP or Jackson.

Maybe the word "soft" was the wrong choice. Those dudes all run hard. I was shocked at how effective Reggie Bush was until he got hurt. Therein lies the problem. AP had a massive knee reconstruction after he tore his ACL and MCL. He played 12 games last year and didn't break 1000 yards. Both him and Bush are probable for this week, and Bradshaw and Bush both missed games this season. They all get hurt.

As for Sjax, you showed some good stats about games played and frankly I was shocked that Jackson started that many games.I am going to go a little deeper on his record. My gut instinct is that Jackson gets hurt a lot and I want to find out for sure.

Here is a breakdown of Sjax in terms of games started versus games where he actually performed as a RB1. So yeah, I guess he does start more games than I thought. He had a couple of rough years in 2007-2008, and last year was not great either. But I guess he doesn't get as hurt as much as I think he he does. Foot meet mouth.

Year

Games started

Games with a RB1
level contribution

2011

15

13

2010

16

16

2009

15

15

2008

12

11

2007

12

12

2006

16

16

2005

15

15

AVG

14.43

14

Enough of that. On to more important things...

COWs!

Josh's Weekly Rant

I know everyone celebrated the TD toss by Drew Brees and passing John U’s record and all but I couldn’t help but think how unbelieveable it is that he set that record in the 60’s when yo could basically assult WR’s the entire length of the field. Not to mention the fact that QB’s were treated like any other player back then and they got pounded into oblivion.

I said the power ranking are a waste of time till about Week 8 but….Well where is the fun in waiting and being rational with these things.

1. 49ers 2. Texans 3. Falcons 4. Ravens 5. Bears

...

28.Buccaneers29. Raiders30. Titans31.Browns32. Jaguars

3. You’ve probably heard the Herm Edwards story by now… he speaks at the rookie symposium every year about what to watch out for in the NFL and he has a saying…”Nothing good happens after 2am”! I apply this philosophy when it comes to any of the sports teams I follow, and if nothing good can happen, I walk away. So with 6:00 minutes left and the ball going back to the Steelers, at home, desperate for a win… I knew that either the Eagles find a way to hang on and win in which case I don’t need to see anymore, or they lose a heartbreaker on the road which for my own sanity, I also don’t need to see. You know how that story ends!

4. Someone explain to me how the defense is getting the bulk of the blame for the loss? Pretty sure that if you told me before the game that they would hold the Steelers to less than 17 points I’d take that in a heartbeat. Quick, name the teams who have scored less points than the Eagles through 5 game….. Answer: 1, the Jacksonville “God-awful” Jaguars!

“Uh oh, this doesn’t seem right…”

5. I realize that Nick Foles is not a realistic option right now with a team that is 3-2, even if they are 3 plays away from being 0-5, but I don’t think it’s crazy to think that this team couldn’t have the exact same record if Foles was the QB. Vick has more turnovers than all but 4 TEAMS in the NFL. At this point anything other than an NFC Champ game and I think Vick is gone this year. If Christian Ponder can do it… Foles could too.

6. Please tell me I wasn’t the only one who saw Andy pull the plug on Vick’s line check down on the goal line before he hit Celek for the TD? More evidence that Vick is unable to make a pre-snap read.

Also… how retarded must you be to be physically unable to slide…?

“Who you callin retarded…?”

I'm too tired for game recaps. Sorry.

Here is the league leader SackedBySuggs on his honeymoon...congrats! Nate - you're up next.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Championship Trophy

So obviously there was a long chain of emails debating the name of the trophy. Since then, it has arrived from England and is resting on my mantle temporarily while I determine how to proceed from here with naming, getting engravings etc. The trophy is shown below. There is no frame of reference here, but it is about 14" tall, made of silver with a solid marble base.

Having seen and held it, I feel that the Margaret Thatcher Fantasy Championship of American Football trophy is fitting (nicknamed the Iron Lady). However, I did say that we could vote, so here are the options - Please submit a vote by Monday night so I can try to get this thing put in for some engraving and other TLC. If you want to suggest a change that is fine.

A: The Margaret Thatcher Fantasy Championship of American Football (Iron Lady)

B: The Pippa Middleton Championship (The Slutty Sister)

C: League Champion selects the trophy name the following year, with league majority approval.

I like to imagine they are saying "boobies" not "number" - makes it much more entertaining. Go DOLPHINS!

The talented Dolphins cheerleaders make an excellent lead-in to my promised discussion of the trainwreck that is the AFC east - in particular the Jets and the Bills. It seems that the Jets have no idea what to do without Revis, and have lost one of their best offense players in Holmes as well. This team has been a circus for years. Let's recap...

A quick Google search of "New York Jets Scandal" returns quite a few quality results from the last few years. Brett Favre's penis. Ines Sainz and Mark Sanchez. Joe McKnight and the USC payoffs. Rex Ryan and his foot fetish. Tim Tebow. It's ridiculous. How could this team ever be taken seriously? I use this lead-in to highlight perhaps my WORST draft grade - I said that SackedBySuggs taking Shonne Greene in, well any round really, was a good pickup. Barf. He sucks and they suck. It's too bad that they do not play the Ravens this year...nothing warms the heart before the coming winter like Mark Sanchez getting blindsided, fumbling and then near-crying on national TV, while Ines Sainz smiles and counts her money.

So the Bills - I can see blowing a 14 point lead. It happens. The part that baffles me is the 30 or so points that came after that - in like 1.5 quarters. Wow. You seriously have to try to give up that many points. I think that if the Bills had just knelt three times and punted on every possession it would have been better for them. I am sorry Paul, I really am. We all hate the Patriots for one reason or another, but damn. Pwned.

The Patriots will easily win this division yet again, and their schedule is ridiculous, so they will probably have a great record. NFC East and AFC North teams got a raw deal having to play each other and within their own divisions. That is a lot of tough games (minus any involving the Browns). Who do the AFC East get out of conference? The NFC West. The mighty (THEY ARE WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE) Cardinals, the Rams, the soon-to-collapse Seahawks, and the respectable 49ers. This makes me wonder what the worst division in the NFL really is?

Charge the paddles...he's coding!

The great thing about football, and fantasy football, is that anything can happen - especially if you make the playoffs. This is reason #1 why Nate should not give up on his team.

Anything can happen if you make the playoffs

It's a keeper league so this season is but one of many

He needs to prove that keeping CJ2K as his first pick was brilliant, not retarded

He doesn't really care about the NFL anyways because of his uncontrollable ND erection, so he needs Fantasy to keep him interested

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock & roll (not a real reason, just the song that came on)

Pat did it.

I once (last weekend) saw Nate carry 60+ pounds of gear into the woods for one of his many bachelor parties while drinking shitty beer, wearing a bandana, not wearing a jacket even when it got into the mid 40's, and eating squid jerky. Photo evidence below. (Note in pictute #2 how I am huddled from warmth, and Nate is debating taking off his pants). If he is man enough to do that, he can swallow his pride and finish out this season.

Yes, that is Mike Krantz on the left.

So Nate - we implore you. Do not give up. Do not go quiet into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of your shitty team. (Dylan Thomas - paraphrased)

4-0 for Real?

Perhaps the best reason for Nate to persevere is John Shust and his Arian Brotherhood. In the points against category, he has a shocking 385 points. The next closest person is over 500. W.T.F? This cannot continue. An average of 96.25 points against a week? My grandmother could go 4-0 with that luck and she cannot turn on a computer. So lets take a look at average points per week for the entire league, for and against. I also threw in a column of whether your points for-points against is a positive or negative number, and my own personal power ranking. My power ranking is developed using the following equation:

Both terms can be a maximum of 1. A larger number is better. Using this metric, John Prader and Time is Yours has the strongest team, but has been getting unlucky. Does this metric even make sense? Is anyone reading this?

Rank

Team

Pts For

Pts Against

Net Pts

Jeff Power
Ranking

1

Arian Brotherhood

130

96.25

+

0.5070

2

Dammit Jim I'm a Dr.

159.75

128

+

0.8285

3

Ron Fu*king Swanson

152.25

136

+

0.8389

4

SackedBySuggs

151.25

125.5

+

0.7691

5

Vinegar Strokes

133

141.25

-

0.7612

6

Buffalo Renaissance

124.25

132

-

0.6645

7

Time is Yours

136

154.5

-

0.8513

8

Brady's Bunch

135

150

-

0.8205

9

Dick Trickle

99.25

134.25

-

0.5399

10

Cunning Linguists

115.5

138.5

-

0.6481

Math on a Saturday night. Blah.

Draft Grades Revisited:

So I respectfully, though not without innuendo, requested that you guys send me your thoughts on my draft grades. I invited you to make fun of me. This was literally, and I mean literally literally, not figuratively, Pat's favorite thing to do my sophomore year of college. And yet, nothing. Paul REQUESTED that I open the floor for discussion, and all he gave me was a gChat message. Class participation is worth 20% of your grade guys.

Thankfully, though not surprisingly, Josh did respond. Yeah, the same Josh who said he wouldn't be able to respond because his computer died did in fact respond. He probably typed the whole damn thing on his iDevice.

I put my grades to the test against the JPR rankings to see how they fared first. Not terrible, but certainly not perfectly correlated.

QB - Adopted all of the broken battered QBs of last season as keepers
RB - A bunch of soft guys with big play/game upside
WR - He has a lot riding on Reggie Wayne and Greg Jennings
Best Keep - Peyton
Best Pick - Reggie Wayne in the 6th
Worst Pick - SANTANA MOSS
Grade - C+

Josh: Looking back….stockpile of worthy QB’s unfortunately the rest of the team is lacking outside of ADP and perhaps Bush if he gets healthy. Then again in about a dozen #1’s get injured this team of backups could be good.

Jeff: Before his injury, Bush was a stud and I totally missed that one. Otherwise, I think I was spot on.

Ahh the remnants of an ill-advised belly button ring. Made you look.

Vinegar Strokes: "In Drew we trust..."

QB - Love the QB picks here...Brees is Brees, and A. Smith could finally come of age
RB - Not much depth, and some injury concerns. I like FJax this year though.
WR - Again, not much solid depth, but some good young guys
Best Keep - MJD at the bottom of the 2nd round is tempting, but it goes to Fjax
Best Pick - Vjax in the 4th
Worst Pick - See Above
Grade - C

Josh: Looking back….nail on the head with Brees and Fjax would probably be here if he was healthy…. Have to put VJAX in as a positive tho even with Josh Freemans as his QB
Jeff: Meh - This was a straightforward one.

Arian Brotherhood: "Opposite ends of the spectrum"

QB - He took 3, and all I have to say is I hope Locker pays off. Ryan and Freeman are too mediocre
RB - Some solid young guys and some solid old guys, but Foster and Murray are the engine room here
WR - Again, Torrey Smith, the best 2nd year guy, and Steve Smith, the Father of Time.
Best Keep - Meh. Its a toss up.
Best Pick - DeMarco Murrary at 18th overall
Worst Pick - Matty Ice in the 3rd Round
Grade - B-

Josh: Looking back…. “Ryan is soft” … umm not so much this year between he and Foster he’s got a good base although I think his RB depth will be tested.

Jeff: I don't know why Josh air quoted "Ryan is soft" - I said he was mediocre and before this season he was. And he took him in the third round. c'mon man. Benching Torrey Smith in prime time, on the day his brother died, against the Patriots....that is like Fantasy 101. Booooo.

SackedBySuggs: "Must know something we don't RE: WR"

QB - Superstar and Rookie - Safe strategy
RB - No big names, but lots of PPR potential in Sproles. Never trust the lawfirm...
WR - Brandon Marshall before Andre Johnson, Greg Jennings, Hakeem Nicks, and Marques Colston
Best Keep - SF in the 15th
Best Pick - It pains me to say it, but Shonn Greene in the 7th
Worst Pick - I am going out on a limb - Marshall in the 2nd
Grade - B

Josh: Looking back….i would probably have to flip flop the best and worst pick here… Greene is completely useless and Marshall and Cutler seems to have some big games ahead for them. Not sure if there is a single RB on this team I trust

Jeff: He did know something that I didnt know. He knew that Brandon Marshall was not going to suck ass for starters. Man was I dead wrong on Shonn Greene. Quick - Pick up Bilal Powell!

She's a maniac, MANIAC on the floor....

Cunning Linguists: "Autodraft - Roll out! "

QB - I like the Stafford/Rapelisberger pair a lot
RB - sigh. its going to be a tough year at RB
WR - Not a bad mix. PPR guys and big play guys.
Best Keep - Stafford in 11
Best Pick - Harvin in the 2nd*
Worst Pick - Janikowski at all
Grade - D+

Josh: Looking back…not exactly sure how this year is 0-4… maybe not a ton of superstars but solid players all around.. worst pick still stands, I don’t care how many points he has. Like the WR, hate the RB’s
Jeff: Well the JPR and his points for show how he is 0-4. The real mystery is how is Pat NOT 0-4.

Buffalo Renaissance: "BEAST MODE"

QB - Rivers and Romo - definitely solid
RB - Lots of fragility here. Richardson could pay off, but he may have gone a bit early - limits the keeper value
WR - Pretty solid group - He is one good waiver pick up from WR greatness in my mind
Best Keep - Jones in the 8th
Best Pick - Rivers is a steal in the 7th round
Worst Pick - I may eat my words 15 times over for this, but I think Lynch will let him down
Grade - B+

Josh: Looking back…perhaps the best group of WR’s in the league and yes, you can eat your words on Lynch thus far…. Richardson too

Jeff: Keywords - thus far. There is still plenty of time for Lynch to punch a stripper or steal a car or something. Also, the Seahawks magic will run out (it may have already run out during Golden Tate - Gate) and people will start pounding on them. So far, my words have been eaten 4 times...

See Mark Sanchez - It's raining and your Cheerleaders are still kicking ass. Take notes...

Dammit Jim I'm a Dr: "You may ask yourself , 'Well, how did I get here?' "

QB - I am "very desirous that a black quarterback do well."
RB - If Gore, Hillis and Smith stay healthy....who am I kidding?
WR - Not too shabby if I do say so myself
Best Keep - CAMALAMADINGDONG Newton
Best Pick - Mike Goodson...oh wait I dropped him. Austin in the 5th
Worst Pick - Probably going to be Roddy White. Pat is right - Jones will steal looks.
Grade - A-

Josh: Looking back….no way Roddy White is a worst anything… those WR are money and Ray Rice is a beast. I don’t trust Gore the least bit but that’s small potatos. You could also use a better option at TE.

Jeff: I propose that we declare a league holiday - every year on August 29th we can all get together and celebrate how fucking awesome my draft was. There will be popcorn, a ball pit, pin the tail on the donkey, and bobbing for apples. Who's in? I am accepting name suggestions for this holiday. You guys are awesome at this.

QB - It's time that we all watch this again
RB - Passed on ADP, because of injury concerns, to get Ryan Mathews...hmmm
WR - Young guys with lots of big play potential - not as big of a PPR upside as some other teams
Best Keep - Cruz
Best Pick - I am going to go with Jennings
Worst Pick - Mathews - Mark it down.
Grade - B

Josh: Looking back… Mathews over ADP seems like a abject disaster and Jennings is a non factor… I will never call Victor Cruz the best anything, ever
Jeff: Yeah so I don't know what abject means, but I do know that Ryan Mathews blows. Cruz

Time is Yours: "Gumption, Hutzpah, Pizazz - they have something"

QB - Manning could be Luck-y - badumpbump
RB - A couple tanks in Turner and Hardesty, and a Mazda Miata in McFadden
WR - These guys honestly scare me a little
Best Keep - Seriously, Gronk.
Best Pick - Demaryius in the 6th is going to be good
Worst Pick - Brick Fingers Greg Little
Grade - B

Josh: Looking back… gotta say its pretty spot on here, except Gronk hasn’t been the monster he was last year. Greg Little has indeed been terrible. Best pick may end up being Morris

Jeff: Still really worried about this team. JPR indicates they are a powerhouse.

QB - Vick and Cutler - Fragile and Fruity
RB - Yeah definitely the best group in the league
WR - Again, really solid
Best Keep - Charles without a doubt
Best Pick - I like Holmes in 12
Worst Pick - Cinncinati Defense - Playing the Ravens in week 1 - FLACCO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grade - A

Josh: Looking back… should have listen to the words of wisdom regarding Nicks as he has spent his whole season in the Ice bath… RB depth still makes me feel good about my chances, unlike the feeling I get resting my hopes on Vick.

Jeff: Is it possible to quantify how right I was about the Cincinnati Defense? They racked up a solid -1 pts. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut and maybe Josh would have kept them. Let's try this out.

Drop Jamaal Charles - he is playing the Ravens this week. ED REED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sits by waiver wire....)

Thanks for all of your input guys.
To you Josh, I say:

I left this song playing after I googled it and Max, my dog and brotha from anotha species, started barking his head off then ran out of the room. Good stuff.

All I am saying is throw a joke in there now and again - and maybe an Instagram photo of some pasta. But thanks for participating...

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sorry guys - no time to blog this weekend. I actually did not watch ANY football at all - not even the Thursday night game. I feel so un-American and dirty.

I was down in Maryland for SackedBySuggs wedding to the lovely Madison. Here is there zany first dance. Highlights are "U cant touch this" at 3:40 and the Ray Lewis dance at 6:30. Yeah - the first dance lasted more that 6:30. Congrats Chris and Maddy!