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If you have read the My Story tab that I have on my side bar or along the top header then you know that a good part of my story and my weight struggles has been tied to some pretty significant events in my life, namely childhood sexual abuse.

A few years ago, God began bringing men into my life and showing me that men can be good and trustworthy and safe…so much so that I went from having very few male friends (sure I knew men, but I wouldn’t randomly call a male up to hang out), to having Coach and Aaron and Adam be my primary people who I called on for help and support in this journey. I know. Crazy. Right? I mean, I went from always being suspicious of men and their intentions to this.

Well, if I am honest, I used to tell Coach and Aaron that there aren’t any other guys like them and that whoever God has for me has some pretty high standards to meet. While sure, THEY are amazing, I still often had and have suspicions about male intentions. Going further, it is those suspicions and fears that had led me to declare that I would never have a male trainer. I mean seriously, a trainer relationship is a pretty intimate relationship. They know all of your most private numbers. Numbers that we don’t, as women, just toss around even amongst the girls. A trainer knows your body and what it can do and has to touch it, either while correcting form or guiding a movement or during stretching. Yes, stretching is MOST intimate. No one…and I mean NO ONE touches my fat, except my trainer or my doctor…so yeah…can you see why someone who does not easily trust men and who has had my experiences in life would say, HELL NO to a male trainer?

Well, I got Demond, who IS without a doubt, male.

And can I just say once again that God is good? I feel like he continues to stretch me in this area. I declared no male trainers and well my situation turned into one where I decided ANY trainer that could produce results would work, male or not. This set me up for meeting Demond and being open to him.

God seems to be taking it further and raising my expectations for my guy, whoever he may be, even higher by bringing more QUALITY men in to my life as living examples of what I can and SHOULD expect. Let me tell you a little story.

The other night, Kyra and I met up with Demond and the A2 Fitness Pro Family for dinner. After dinner, we were getting ready to leave and Darrell (of Darrell and Drea SSN 9 Black team of TBL) asks me if I had gotten my headlight fixed yet. He remembered from 2 weeks prior, that my headlight was out. Now I hate this kind of car stuff. I know this is an easy fix, but I always feel so dumb with car stuff, so I tend to let things go longer than I should so when he asked I kind of turned away and ignored him. He then declared that when I saw him on Sunday, he would fix it. WHAT!?! What man does this? Seriously? Just offers to fix it? He doesn’t even know me? But I guess that is what good men do???

So I am kind of floored by this. I mean I live with 2 men (brothers) and they don’t offer stuff like this and one of them is an aircraft mechanic, but if I asked him you would think I asked him to replace the engine!

So that just kind of rocked my world. Then I got in my car and was sitting there for about 10 minutes responding to some texts and what not and letting my car warm up when I looked up and noticed Demond still in the parking lot too. His truck is kind of hard to miss. It is BIG! I didn’t think much of it and continued to do what I was doing. Finally I pulled out and he immediately pulled out too.

Instantly, I realized that he had been waiting for me to leave before he left! I asked him if he had been waiting for me and his response was that I wasn’t supposed to notice. Well, his truck is not the most stealth vehicle so yeah…

The next day I was driving to work and I continued to think about this. I mean, why was this SUCH A BIG FREAKING DEAL? I felt silly and didn’t say anything to anyone all day about it. But it rocked my world. Seriously. I don’t remember half my drive in to work because I was lost in thought and actually when I “came to” I was 3 miles past my turn for work and ended up late. The feelings I was experiencing was baffled, protected, cared for, loved, vulnerable, confused.

Finally, later I decided to bring it up to Coach. I mean, I couldn’t make sense of why this was so mind-blowing for me. Here is what we concluded. Demond, waiting for me in the parking lot and Darrel offering to change a headlight spoke hugely to the part of me that simply wants to be protected. Part of a man’s design is to be the protector and a woman’s makeup is one that wants to be protected. That piece was not there for me growing up. So seeing this new way for what protection and care and kindness could look like just blew me away. Coach’s exact words as he tried to explain my own feelings for me really hit things on the head. He said, “a man is taking action to protect you. this is a fundamental doubt attached to your wound.”

Yes. Yes it is. I don’t expect men to protect me. I do it myself. I handle what I need to handle, even if I procrastinate some of that stuff for as long as possible. If anything, I expect them to let me down. Afterall, a man who I should have been able to trust in my life violated that trust horribly. It is quite a vulnerable and yet cared for feeling to know that 2 men took action to make sure I was safe without me asking for help. They are just doing what comes naturally to them and until they read this they will have had NO CLUE the impact his actions have had on me and why.

So God is good. My poor guy is either being set up to fail hugely as he is gonna have even higher standards to meet now or I am being set up for some kind of wonderful as He continues to show me what I SHOULD expect and can expect from men who simply show up in who they are meant to be.

And as for having a male trainer…God couldn’t have given me a better one. He is proving himself worthy of the ranks of Coach and Aaron and Adam in my life. Quality, safe, trustworthy men, whom I measure all other men against.

So thank you Demond and Darrell(if you read this) for being gentlemen and for rocking my world this week…without even trying to. I am loving being part of the family!

Let me first preface this post with this: Failure is not a bad thing. Not in this case. Not this time. Not ever, at least not if you learn something from the failure.

After Nashville, I kinda didn’t feel like running again. At least not for a little while. I was spent, having laid it all out on the hills of Tennessee. However, before I had even run it, plans were in the works for the next big race. I told my friends I would not decide NOW, before I ran Nashville, if I would do another one in the fall or not. I mean shoot, I might die! So while Chicago and/or GR half marathons were on the table, no decisions were being made until post-Nashville. Immediately after finishing Nashville, I looked at Leann and told her “NO!! I am NEVER running these crazy distances again!”

So that was my thoughts and attitude when The Fifth Third River Bank Run was presented to me as a possibility to run a mere 2 weeks after Nashville. This run is a 5k, a 10k, or a 25K. For those of you who don’t know…a 25k is 15.5 miles. Of course Ben, Esquire, Holly and Katie were all planning on running it…so why shouldn’t I?

Ummm I don’t WANT to. Remember…I didn’t want to run again for a little bit. I wanted a break. I wanted to rest. I didn’t want to drive across the state again so soon.

But Kim, You can totally do it! They all said. You just ran 13 miles of hills..its only a couple of miles further but it is much flatter! Come on Kim, we will see you there, said Esquire!

But I don’t WANT to was my response…and yet a seed was planted.

I headed to SALTS having decided…no I will not do the River Bank Run. I will not run 25K.

After SALTS, I realized I was still thinking about the RBR and telling myself I would not do it and yet wondering if I could. I have finally come to recognize this pattern of thinking…as TROUBLE!

I found myself talking to Esquire, who OF COURSE said “Yes Kim, you can!” Then I called Ben and talked to him quite a bit about it. Ben, is an experienced marathoner. So I valued his opinion on this particular thing quite a bit. He asked me all sorts of questions and gave me all sorts of things to think about. He never said I should. He suggested it was absolutely within the realm of possibility to do it and said it would be FUN to run the RBR with me if I decided to do it. This was on Monday night, before the race on Saturday.

On Wednesday, I couldn’t get it out of my head so I decided, Yes I would do it. I mean seriously, If I CAN…then why not? Well, it was coming down to laziness. I didn’t want to DRIVE? Seriously? Besides that…I was going to be doing the drive anyway. I failed to mention that Adam was coming home from his ski patrolling winter in UT and I missed him like crazy, so I was heading out there anyway to see him. In my mind, if I am gonna be there….I can hardly sit on the sidelines and WATCH a race. I considered the 10K or even the 5K…and decided, why would I do less than what I know I can do….yep…I am sure I will eventually do a marathon with this TROUBLE thinking….

ok, so I am now about to do a 25K in 3 days and I have not run since Nashville and now is hardly the time to start running. To add to the mix, on Tuesday G.I Jess KILLED my legs in a “welcome back” workout since she hadn’t seen me since before Nashville and at that time I wasn’t planning on RBR.

So I went to sign up online and to my great disappointment, online registration was closed. The only way to register at this point is to go to the Expo on Friday and sign-up in person. Unfortunately, since I work in Detroit and the race is in GR, there was NO WAY I could make it there before the Expo closed. Suddenly, this girl, who barely wanted to do a race and was doing it because I had no good reason NOT to, was very disappointed. I didn’t realize that something in me REALLY wanted to do it, until the possibility was taken from me.

I posted something of my disappointment on Facebook. Do you know I have a friend who works for one of the major sponsors of the race? Well, I didn’t know this!! Within minutes of my post, he contacted me to tell me not to worry about it. “Send me your race details and t-shirt size and I will take care of everything for you.”, he says. Seriously? Like, no kidding? Just like that. I was in.

I felt like this was no big deal, just another run. Wait a minute. I have never run 25k. I should be nervous. Am I not respecting the distance? Whatever that means…oh well, the nerves will come, I am sure.

They did. Saturday morning. They came in full force. I don’t think I can do this, I thought. What am I thinking? Not only did I feel un-prepared physically, I felt unprepared mentally. I mean I had almost 5 months to get my MIND prepared for Nashville. For this I had 3 days! I heard G.I Jess in my head reminding me that “if it is good up here (in the head), it is good everywhere”.

As my friend Laurie and I left her house to head downtown, I just began reminding myself of why I am ok physically, of where I have come from, and why this race will be fine and how I will make it through 15K…1mile at a time.

After picking up the race packet from Clint (friend who registered me), I met up with Esquire and ran into Ben and Laurie took off to meet her friends for the walk she was doing. Esquire and I headed up towards the start line and ran into Coach. And just as we were getting started, my friend TailWagger’s parents showed up to cheer me on!!! YAY!!!

Esquire and I started near the back of the crowd of several thousand 25k’ers. The only ones to come after us would be the My Team Triumph runners who would do the 25K as part of a team, pushing a person who will never be able to run a marathon, because of a disability that I cannot remember right now.

Even quicker, Esquire pulled ahead of me…no surprise there and more quickly than ever before, I found myself to be the last runner in sight. I hadn’t even gone half a mile when I realized I had to pee and I was alone on the course except for the chase car/police escort. Seriously, you all know I have been escorted in the water as the last swimmer, and even as the last runner…but never this early on in the race. I also realized….this run would not be easy…I would have to fight for every step.

At mile 1, I stopped at a bathroom only to come out and find the police car idling…waiting for me. At mile 2, my legs were jello already and I repeated my bathroom break. I repeated this again at mile 3 apologizing to the poor officer who was probably wondering what in the world I thought I was doing running this thing…heck I was asking myself the same questions. My knee felt squishy already, my feet were already beginning to ache, and my calves burned.

Soon, the My Team Triumph runners were passing me, with great words of encouragement as they whizzed past. I felt awful. This was the worst run I have had in a while or perhaps that I could remember. I think my memory gets selective on this kind of thing. I was only at mile 3 and I was already DONE. Soon I realized that there was at least a couple of cars behind the police escort I had that he would not let pass me. I moved to the side of the road so they could pass if he would allow them to. He would not let them pass until I was about to pass the entrance to the free way and I would enter a park. At least 30 cars passed me by. HAHAHAH Seriously! Talk about stopping traffic! Mortifying and hilarious at the same time!

At this point, I have to pee again and am approaching a water station and I am over an hour into the run and only about 3.5 miles in. I am realizing my pace is WAY slower than normal and the aches and cramps I had at the END of Nashville were already coming on quite significantly. Combine this with the fact that the aid station was already packing up and getting ready to pull out by the time I got to it…this race was already looking awful for me.

My head started to lose focus. I began to doubt whether I could actually finish this and how long it would take at my current pacing. I realized where my head was and KNEW there is no way I would finish with thoughts like that, so I shoved them aside, and pulled forth my archives of Aaronisms, Coachisms, Adamisms, and now G.I Jessisms.

I pressed on.

The next aid station (at about mile 5) had 1 guy and a kid there with everything packed up. The guy gave me a cup of water and asked me, “Are you gonna make it?”

I looked at him, square in the eye and said “Yes sir, if it takes all day, I will finish this!”

At this point I am walking a bit more than usual. I can normally pull off 6 miles or so before I have had to walk. Not this day. I alternated walking and running and kept forcing that mans doubts and my own out of my head.

At mile 6, an aid vehicle passed me to check on me. My head was NOT in a good space and I needed reinforcements. I tried calling a number of people and finally reached G.I Jess. I cried. I don’t know if I can do this. I told her where my body was at, where my head was at and most of all how lonely it was on this course, knowing there was no one around me at all. She assured me I could do it. She told me to cross that finish line, even if I have to walk the whole way. Listen to my body and finish what I started. I can do this she assured me. What she didn’t say was that I had to run it. What I heard behind all her words was that she believed I could finish. I needed to hear that.

OK…I can do this.

Soon Aaron called me back and in his practical way he checked to make sure the pains I was feeling were not potential injury pains and that I was not simply being stubborn by staying out there. In all honesty, I was not sure anymore. At Nashville, I didn’t feel like this till almost the end it seemed and it seemed more painful too. I told him I was still assessing and would NOT be stubborn about this. Yet what I also heard in his words was permission to call the race if I needed to. I needed to hear this too, not that I needed his permission, but to hear that it was ok to do so if necessary.

What I didn’t count on or consider until later while talking to Ben was this. It was really cold out. It was raining and I was doing more walking than running which meant I was not producing as much body heat and my body temp was dropping. Ben told me I needed to consider that if I stay out til the finish, continue at current pacing or less, and have an unsupported course to boot…hypothermia is a huge risk…not to mention injury etc. I asked what the signs are for hypothermia so I can make that call if I needed to. Not good enough apparently. By the time I was experiencing symptoms, I would not be in a mental position to be able to make a call. The call to continue or not needed to be made before I experienced symptoms based on all other factors and that I am in weather/run conditions that could produce this.

At about this time that I was talking to Ben, I saw them pick up the 8 mile marker and I think I knew then I was toast for this race but didn’t want to admit it. I told Ben I would consider everything and then make my decision. I tried to run some more to increase body heat but I had nothing left in my legs and everything hurt when I ran. I went about another 1.5 miles when I decided to call for a ride. I called Laurie who had my car keys and asked her to come get me. A few minutes later, an aid vehicle came by telling me they were the last one and did I want a ride. At this point I was starting to shiver and who knows how long it would take Laurie to get out of downtown and to me…so I jumped in their van where the heat was blasting! Then I called and cancelled my ride and told her to meet me at the finish line.

It was a disappointing day. A really hard run. It was the first time I cried during a run and really doubted my ability to finish. It was my first and hopefully last DNF. Despite this, I know that wisdom says I made the right choice. I don’t regret my choice to call it and I don’t deny that it was a huge failure of a run. Part of me regrets deciding to do it in the first place, so soon after Nashville, but I think that is only because I NOW know that it was too soon. My body wasn’t ready for such a long run quite yet. I couldn’t have known that before hand and it didn’t matter, I wanted to do this one, even though I didn’t know it until the last-minute.

What I regret more is that it is a month later and I still have not run more than a few laps around the building when G.I Jess tells me to. So far, I have let that really bad run sap the love for running that I NOW realize I was building. That is the part of all of this that is really discouraging. That run beat me. And I am only now beginning to realize how bad and how much it hurts to know I can be so easily diverted on my path.

Sometimes folks, the journey sucks and hurts. Sometimes the journey is not all fun and games and celebrations. Sometimes, from out of no where you get knocked for a loop and you get to sit in the pain of disappointment.

and yet…

…The journey must continue.

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Those who, being really on the way, fall upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers refuge and comfort and encourages the old self to survive. Rather they will seek out someone who will faithfully help them to risk themselves, so that they may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it, thus making of it a “raft that leads to the far shore.” Karlfried Durckheim

Hmmm, I was getting ready to write my post race report when a friend of mine posted this on his Facebook status. I knew instantly that the post race report would wait for the other thoughts I have been having to be released first!

I have been in a much healthier head space lately about the whole weight loss/number on the scale thing. Last week, I was re-reading some old posts and read my post about this time being different. I realized that back when I wrote that, I was still trying to convince myself that it was true. I didn’t fully believe it though, which is probably why I have repeated that phrase so many times over the last months. I had some serious convincing to do AND I really really wanted it to be true.

As I read this post last week, I started crying because I realized with all of my being that it WAS true. The old me would have given up by now after struggling so long to get out of this plateau. The old me would have slinked away and gone into hiding instead of continuing to report frustrating results week after week. The old me would have said that I am just meant to be fat and gone with that instead of trying new things and working to figure this out!

I like this new me that has emerged.

And I am ever so thankful for this journey. I have learned a ton this past year. I have learned to enjoy a variety of healthy activities. I am no longer afraid to try something new that is athletic (except I still worry about skiing). This journey has been painstakingly slow and sometimes I just wish that I could get on The Biggest Loser just so I could get rid of it quick. But there is a bigger part of me that wouldn’t change a thing about how this has been. Slow and steady wins the race. And yes I will win! No doubt about that! (AND I am still considering applying again….I can have both, right?)

But here is what I am most thankful for. I am most thankful that I have friends surrounding me like those described in the quote by Karlfried Durkheim. You have heard mostly of Coach and Aaron and Adam here and how they challenge me all the time. But my friend Jen is another one who challenges me as I watch her in her own journey to be her best self. If I could just be like her! There are others too, so many others, who on random occasions will say something to me that will challenge me to risk myself, for something greater! I will not turn to those who will help me rationalize or justify or excuse my behavior. I intend to move from this place and into a greater place and that will take confrontation and discipline and courage, all things I struggle with and all things I can do/be when I know I can count on others to have my back!

I do not want friends who will let me stay in the comfortable place. The easy place. I want my friends to challenge me at every turn to go to greater heights. Friends who will inspire and encourage me to FLY. I do not take it for granted that I have a number of those kind of people in my life already and I plan on speaking with them each to let them know how much they mean to me and how they have impacted my journey.

If you don’t have someone like this in your life, I hope and pray you find one quick! If you do, let them know how much they mean to you!

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This past Saturday, I drove out to GR because I wanted to see Adam before he left for UT for 6 months. First though, I had to work. I knew I would be seeing Adam on Sunday and so my original plan was to spend Saturday afternoon/evening with Carol. Then I heard what an amazingly beautiful and uncharacteristically warm day it would be for November in MI and I KNEW I really wanted to go for a bike ride. I managed to get a hold of some old friends of mine and Carol’s from our FSU days and who now live in GR but Carol has not been able to see yet. Ben is an avid swimmer, biker, runner and has done a triathlon or two and several marathons. We made plans that Ben and I would bike ride when I got to town and then the four of us would have dinner together at Ben and Pam’s.

I couldn’t have been more excited! I hadn’t been able to ride Sasha Fierce in a while and I was excited to not only to be able to do so but to be able to ride with someone else and in GR! You couldn’t get a better match up for this athletic, social, GR lover! I got delayed a bit on my way out-of-town, but I won’t go into that! As I headed west all I could see was the sun getting lower and lower in the sky. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t make it before it was too dark to ride. I kept praying that God would stop the movement of the sun for just one hour, that is all I need! Either that, or give me grace as I sped across the state! I think I got some of both.

I met up with Ben at his house and we headed out for a ride. Ben on his bike that is yet unnamed!!! How can that be??!?! I on Sasha Fierce. It was a double date! This also was my and Sasha’s first ride on the open roads, no sidewalk or trails in sight! It is amazing how safe you feel when there are 4 of you (2 humans, 2 bikes), and 2 of those 4 are pretty experienced. On this ride, I learned how to draft and I learned a little about pedal stroke and cadence. Ben was gracious and patient as I am CERTAIN he rides much faster when he goes out normally. He was also a wealth of knowledge as he gave me all sorts of tips.

The next day, with Sasha Fierce safely tucked into the back of my car, I met the boys for church then headed to lunch. While we were talking at lunch we decided it would be fun if we could get a Mt. Bike for me to ride and go Mt. Biking on this gorgeous Sunday afternoon. After a bit of searching Aaron’s girlfriend, Laura, came through and had a bike for me to use. So we quickly took off, got the bike and headed back to the Mansion (Aaron’s house) to get the boys bikes together. Who knew this would involve all sorts of tweaking and testing of all the bikes. Oiling, wiping down, tire pressure checked, changing of pedals, before finally we loaded the bikes into the truck I was driving and Sasha came out and was left with the other road bikes back at the house. Sorry Sasha!

We headed off with Adam expressing concern about the dwindling light. ABS and I assured him that we would be fine. There are no leaves on the trees anymore so it will be lighter in the forest than in the summer. I repeatedly told him that the looming darkness would all be part of the adventure. That he shouldn’t be so cautious all the time…he was a little nervous. After all, I have Mt. Biked once, Aaron has never Mt. Biked and we are about to do this with little time left for daylight. And of course he wants us to love it, I am sure.

Note to self: If Adam is expressing concern about something, TRUST HIM!!

He took us on a course that while not technically difficult (his words not mine), was rather hilly. I kept stalling out, unable to make it up the hills. At one point, I completely fell over after coming to a sudden stop as I tried to navigate between trees and up a hill. My elbow is all bruised up again from falling on a log. After falling, I rolled over, between a tree, sat up and threw my arms up and shouted, “I am OK! That was FUN!” The boys, all standing at the top of the hill watching me, just laughed. I walked up more hills than I rode up.

Adam discovered that ABS was no longer the tail of our group as planned and insisted that ABS lead and he will tail. He said that I wouldn’t get away with slacking with him behind me, “coaching” me. I tell you guys, find someone like Adam to be on your side, who knows what you can do and is willing to drive you a little bit further…and you will be golden!

This course was crazy! Very Narrow. I almost kissed a couple trees! Almost fell a few more times. Almost went careening down a mountain side. and was driven to curse as I went flying down hills. Then the darkness came and I wished I had listened to Adam. If it was treacherous during the daylight, imagine what it was in the dark!

In the end, I would do it again, if those boys would have me back that is. It was fun, I have war wounds and tons of excitement over doing things I never thought I would.

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You all have heard me mention my friend Adam from time to time. He is the guy I used to do all sorts of classes at the Y with me when I lived in GR and we were unemployment buddies for the last year and a half together. He is also Aaron’s little brother. We have known each other for about 5 years, ever since I first met Aaron, but we have become friends ourselves in the last 2. He is like a little brother to me and it fits because he is the same age as my real little brother. In true little bro fashion, he doesn’t often go to the deeper levels with me (although he does listen to me and read this blog regularly), but rather his sharing is more on a technical/fun level. Issuing challenges, advice on form or technique or simply doing the activities with me. He has years of experience playing sports, so while he is not an expert, he does have a lot of practical experience.

Last week sometime, I was wondering what the heck this kid thinks when he read my blog, particularly when I write about the harder stuff or the struggles I am having. We had a great conversation and I won’t share HIS heart with you as it is not mine to share, however, he said something to me while we were talking about the scale again that has settled into my brain.

He said to me that while the struggles are real, I seem to write more about that than about the victories I am having. Things like Mountain Biking or running (the good runs). Instead I have been focusing on the struggle with getting beyond 65 lbs. He basically told me that there are other measures besides the scale to measure my health and I need to remember to focus on those when the scale isn’t telling me everything. The scale is not the only voice to be heard in the measurement world. (yes I paraphrased his words!)

While the scale will indicate the number, over the summer I seemed to forget that whole health includes things besides the scale…like the things I can do now, mentally, physically and emotionally.

So, hopefully you will all begin to see a new mix up in my blogging as I refocus (again) on whole health.

Thanks Little Brother! You have no idea what our conversation meant to me…or that you would be the featured friend of the week or that your words had such an impact, did you?! I sure am gonna miss you while you are away in UT!

BTW, Adam is gonna be a ski patroller out west this winter. He had previously told me he wanted to teach me to ski(he even added it to my goal list!)…well that is out of the question now…unless I go to UT. What do ya think? Should I go learn to ski on a real mountain instead of the recycled MI trash heaps?

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Girl, I am so proud of you! When I look at you from a completely objective, emotionally detached perspective, I can see the totally new person you are from 2 years ago. I don’t get caught up in the roller coaster ride you seem to be on with the fluctuations in your weight. I don’t get caught up in the despair of the stuckedness you seem to think you are in. I don’t see how far you have left to go. Instead I see a woman who could barely make it to the gym and when you did you simply walked for 45 minutes and went home. Or you swam for 45 minutes and went home. You struggled to get there many days this time one year ago. And what did you do? You cried out for help. You chose to let someone else into your struggle and you asked Coach to go to the gym with you and to call you whenever he was going. Girl, that took some guts! You knew what kind of guy Coach was/is!

I see your courage. The courage to take that step and invite Coach into this with you. And before that the courage you had to let Aaron know you were trying once again. THen later to invite Adam to the gym with you!

I see your perseverance. Even though you feel like you have failed so many times over and that you are at risk of failing now, you keep getting up. In the past, months would go by before you got back up again. But not now. THis time you get up after a fall within days.

You have done so much this past year. You have started running. You have participated in triathlons. You started biking. You have shared your story so boldly. You have not given up even when it was hard! You have lost 63 some odd pounds. Your 9-year-old nephew weighs 75! You have tried new things, taken great risks, learned to trust others, and learned to confront your story and the hold it has on you. You have not held back.

Despite feeling like you are stuck, because I know you do, take a minute and look at where you have come from. Learn from your past struggles and keep doing something different. Just because you have found a new happiness doing all of these fun athletic things, don’t get comfortable here. You still have work to do, and you have all the tools and resources you need to make it happen. Enjoy them, but don’t stop working on your goals!

I know you will figure it out. You will figure out the balance that will be necessary to ensure that this weight loss comes about in a wholly healthy manner. You will figure out how to balance time, and energy. You will figure out what needs to be given up to ensure a win. You will do this thang, because you can’t give up. You cannot quit. A quitter no longer lives inside of you.

So keep going Kim. You have a BIG life to live. Your story is not complete yet. I know you will succeed, even if it takes longer than you would like, because I know the One who lives in you. The One who designed you with all of that courage and perseverance within. The One who is using your story.

You have got this thing…No one can stop you…but You.

One more thing. Remember Thomas Edison and how many times he failed in his attempts to create the light bulb…before he finally got it right. He didn’t give up on his vision, and neither should you.

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Wow! Adjusting to working is taking longer than I thought. Every process I do each day takes so much thought as I think through what I am doing. I cannot wait until some of this stuff becomes second nature to me because, man, by the time I get home at night I am exhausted and falling asleep at 8. I force myself to stay up till at least 10. Sometimes I get a 2nd wind that keeps me up far later than I should be, but I certainly don’t want to be the old lady who goes to sleep before the kids do!!! I am only 33 and without children!!

As a result, I come home with full intentions of cooking a nice healthy meal after going for a run or ride before it gets dark. Unfortunately, despite being one-armed due to surgery, my mom has been cooking every night. I get home and a hot meal smells so good and I have no mental energy to fight the deliciousness coming from the kitchen that is mom’s unhealthy cooking or to cook something different for myself.

So, I haven’t been tracking, I haven’t been cooking, and I haven’t been exercising. I have failed on all fronts and in a not so magnificent way. I have eaten McDonald’s and KFC on a couple of occasions. I hate that! I was doing soo good at resisting those things!

I also think the not weighing in for a whole month is working against me. Every time I eat something without counting it…basically everything since I said I was waiting to weigh in…I think, “it is ok, I have the whole month!” Well guess what! It is almost the end of the month and I have had more bad days than good. I know my reasons for attempting this was to alleviate the wonkiness I had about the number, but I think this is worse. I will take the head wonkiness about a number over this procrastinating, self indulging, “I can do what I want” bull shit I have been telling myself any day. I am weighing in on Tuesday. I am certain I won’t like the number, I certainly do NOT want to report this number to Coach and Aaron, but what can I do but own it and move on, right!? It isn’t like they or anyone else is gonna love me any less for it. Sure they might be disappointed…but so will I. On some level though, I feel like I have let them down…and you all who faithfully read and have been encouraged by my journey. Those two guys of mine have invested a lot of themselves into my journey. They have both spent countless hours encouraging me, listening to my whining, and building me up. Adam should be included in that group as well for that matter! So I hate that feeling. But even more than that I hate that I have let myself down. This feeling really sucks.

So, I have done some research. My local Running Fit store offers a free running group on Monday nights. I will be there starting next week. (Tomorrow night I am Mt. Biking with a guy from work and his friend Bob!) The store also offers a running class on Wednesday nights. I will be starting that this week. I am hoping this will help prepare me for my 10K on Thanksgiving, especially with my speed. That is 2 nights a week, that I will be committed to others to run with them and one I will be paying for! SO despite everything else, all I need to do is get my but moving 3 other days each week, at least. I can do this. I know I can. I gave myself time to adjust to the work schedule. I am done giving it time. 3 weeks is enough. I am now taking control again. No more excuses.