For all the myriad social and aesthetic crimes
that can be placed at the feet of Solvognen,
the performance art troop
that initially played the prank
that grew to become SantaCom,
crawling across forty countries
and a billion bars,
they still deserve much praise, too.

Sure, seeing the army
of douches they inspired
out on the street
every year
like some kind of leprous legion,
all elf ears
striped tights,
cretinous caps and vomit-stained beards and,
well, everything.
Everything about those stupid SantaConners sucks

but, god bless those bastards,
thanks to the work of Solvognen,
we can identify those that appreciate SantaCom
and isolate them
and separate them
from the rest of the community.

When next the Santas convene
we’ll know how to fine them
and we already know what to do with them
so thank you, you jerk bastards
who first gave us SantaCon
for also giving us the means to stop it.