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Amazing how things converge.I’ve complained previously about how I’m being ruled by my enthusiasms to the point of exploding!Yesterday I attended a training session on statistics and I met another woman there who has been going through exactly the same process as I have.

She is a great lady: working mom of three in the academic world in a management position until recently.For anyone who knows the academic world: it’s as cutthroat as any multinational corporation and not for the fainthearted.She’s fun and very likeable, so no hardcore tough cookie, either.We could talk a bit about this stage of our lives we’re in and as always, just voicing things helps to process it.

Face the pain

Last night I decided to tackle the issues at hand.I’ve taken some time the last week to talk to some people about where I’m at and the feedback my friends gave me gave me two insights about myself. The first is that I hardly ever never get to the point where what I’ve done or am is “good enough”.

There’s always a next milestone and a better, faster way.Of course, my view of me is also linked to that.I can always be more patient, gentler, more giving, slower to anger (eish), more more more.

The next, related, insight was that I keep the never-good-enough fire hot with a negative script.This script is so automatic, I’m not even aware of it any more.But it fuels the fire of not-good-enough!

Starve Cujo

I’ve decided to use the two-pronged approach – feed the white dog, starve the black dog.At the moment, I’m not ever sure what the black dog is being fed, so I’ve started listening to what I tell myself to feed the Black slavering black Cujo.Every now and then I jot down any Cujo thought I could capture!

Example

I washed my car this morning.Beeeeg accomplishment!But then I started scripting that I should polish the car for it to be a good job.

“Eish, I’m a bit tired after being in training the whole day and having to catch up with work today so don’t have energy for polishing.But I have to otherwise the accomplishment of washing my car is wasted. ”*Disappointment and anger*

Just putting it down on (virtual) paper helped me see how much pressure I place on myself!And how defeatist my reasoning is.So encouraging because I could make a plan.And loosen the relenting tyranny of “have to’s”.So, I polished my bonnet, roof and boot.Enough for today.Will do the rest (maybe) when I was my car again, probably in July.

White Dog 1 – Black Dog 0

Feed the White Dog

I’ve found that I can try and be as positive as I want to be, but there is no true transformation if I try to stuff my mind with just plain positive thoughts.To me there is just no substitute for meditating on the Bible.

So, to feed the White Dog, this scripture from Phil 4:8 (The Message) is what is hitting the mark at the moment.

“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”

I’ve read how people call Paul a misogynist and other negative things.I have nothing but praise for the man.He was in jail while writing the above and I’m sure he’s learnt the hard way – like I am currently – that this is what is what works.(I’m using the Message Bible at the moment.Know it’s not the most accurate translation, but simple language is all I can cope with at the moment.)

Noble thoughts

Now, I’m not exactly sure yet what meditating on true, noble, authentic etc things really mean, but I like “the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” part.It captures my mindset at the moment as I’ve been struck hard by the ugly in the world and have been focussing on the curse-worthy things of late.So, I and my BFF joke about being able to have a noble thought now and then.Well, she jokes more because I think she’s has more of them at the moment.I’m still a bit flabberghasted at even thinking up noble things.Even the Afrikaans word “eerbaar” doesn’t help me understand the concept of noble more.But its still early in the battle.

The beautiful

The beautiful in my life is very much connected to being creative and my loved ones.So, made a story book for Big Boy to prepare him for a new nanny and his Nana (current nanny) leaving.I thoroughly enjoyed it.The fact that he loves it made me so happy.So, have decided that my creative outlet for the time being will be to make more books for Big Boy as he responds really well to being prepared for things through stories.

His mom has a whole list of needed story areas so no needs analysis needed.Last night I pencilled the story and illustrations to motivate him to go to sleep at night.I love the whole process.Can’t wait for the time later today I allocated to start painting and inking the book.Think I’ll scan this book and post some of it.

White Dog 2 – Black Dog 0

All in all had a good morning.Even though I’m exposing how negative and unrelenting I am, I’m also happy because I am doing something about it.Hope is a great thing.

How about giving me some ideas for beautiful things I can meditate on.Or tell me more about your Black and White dogs.I’m sure I’m not the only one with this raging war going on inside of me or what?