The Dear Abby debate, continued

A quick note: While we’re on the subject of Dear Abby, Alzheimer’s and the decisions patients can and can’t make for themselves, here’s a post that got lost in the shuffle.

Yesterday we were talking about a letter to Dear Abby that focused on Alzheimer’s.

Glen Campbell on his goodbye tour. Yes, he has Alzheimer's.

To summarize as briefly as possible, the letter writer, “Friend in Arizona,” wondered if it was wrong to continue to take her friend with Alzheimer’s, Blanche, to church. The reason the friend thought it might be wrong was that Blanche had told her that once she got to a certain point in the disease, she did not want to be “paraded around and gawked at.”

And Dear Abby told Friend that yes, she needed to respect the wishes expressed by Blanche when she was fully cognizant.

Anyhoo, here’s the letter my friend wrote in response:

Dear Abby:
Your answer to Friend in Arizona was way off the mark and promoted prejudice against individuals with a very common disease. When Blanche was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and still “in her right mind,” she likely had no idea that one can live joyfully in the moment, free of the hurts, inhibitions, and prejudices of a “normal” life. She also probably did not know how much happiness she would derive from outings where she could interact with people who offered her love and treated her well. Nor did she know how much others would enjoy seeing her happiness and offering her the gift of belonging.

My 86-year-old mother with Alzheimer’s lives with me. She is happy, physically healthy, and she loves to go out, interact with people of all ages, and give and receive love. She is playful, joyful, and free of past worries and reserve. Why would it be appropriate to deny her these opportunities to interact for fear that some limited individuals might pity her? There is nothing to pity here.

I realize that not all Alzheimer’s patients have such positive interactions with others, and I realize that things might change with my mother. But as long as both my mother and others appreciate positive time spent together, I will encourage those occasions.

I think Friend can honor Blanche’s wishes by taking her only to places where she thrives, among those who can appreciate her and who themselves can find joy in her participation in life. But in my view, it is immoral to take away from Blanche the opportunity to be happy around people who treat her with love and respect — simply because she made a request when she did not fully comprehend the implications of her disease for her.

Alzheimer’s affects people differently, and the symptoms change over time. The idea that one must lock Alzheimer’s patients away in order to preserve their dignity is simply wrong-headed and contributes to the perpetuation of false ideas and prejudices about those afflicted.

4 Responses

I liked the response Proud Daughter had. She is correct, she didn’t know how she was going to be when she got Alzheimers. My mother had dementia, we don’t take her out because it stresses her out to get dressed. So, we all go see her and she loves the company. She laughs with us and gives us kisses and hugs. She feels the love around her and I think that helps her from getting depressed, etc. You take them where they feel loved, not around total strangers. Great letter!

Blanche has a great friend who means well, but she is over stepping her bounds. Blanche’s wishes must be honored and it is up to Blanche’s family to decide if ,where, and when Blanche will be out in public.

Abby, stick to your guns. The patient in question expressed in english her desire to retain her dignity and her privacy. With all due respect to Proud Daughter. I feel privileged to have no one I know under your care BECAUSE YOU ARE DISHONEST. Using a Medical Power of attorney or acting as a Guardian to an incompetent person means that you are a servant of their good not your own. I work in the medical profession and I have to obey Do Not Resuscitate orders as well as HIPPA, the Federal Law protecting privacy as well as the laws of TX. My jaw dropped when I read Proud Daughter advise that woman to defy her mother’s clearly expressed instructions. Lets imagine that a cure for Alzheimer’s was found tomorrow and her mother regained the competency to is fool would examine her caretaker’s actions. The courts, both criminal and civil would fight over who gets to crucify Proud Daughter first. If you cannot obey the living will expressed to you, find a family member who will obey the law. I’m sorry that this letter got so long.

I think taking Blanche and others like her in their condition good for their happiness and normal living. It is however not good to parade the person around and have them gawked at…its not gawking if its making her happy. Who will gawk anyway if they dont know her personally or her conditon?