Affair healing Blog

I'm six months from D-day. I have noticed a few changes in my husband and I'm wondering if it is too early to let my guard down or if this is natural in healing. For instance, I don't access his email nearly as often. The same goes for his phone. Sometimes I forget to check to make sure he is where he says he is using the Find Friends app. Am I being foolish in not being more vigilant, or is this simply progress?

It seems like progress to me. Healing often involves taking intentional steps (choosing to talk less frequently about the affair, choosing to pull back from checking up the the spouse, etc.), but be encouraged when you realized that you "forgot" to check something... or think about something.

When I broke my wrist, I was very aware of the pain and pampered that arm a lot. As it healed, I sometimes forgot I wore a cast and would only be reminded when tried to reach in a way that use to be normal. When the cast first came off, I favored that wrist, being extra cautious because I feared it might snap again. But as time went on, I forgot to favor it. I barely thought about the injury unless something specific reminded me. Even then, though, the memory didn't evoke pain or fear... just the acknowledgement of what had happened.

Your betrayal is a different kind of injury. It's a much deeper hurt and the healing will take longer. But some of the recovery signs will be similar. There will be days when you realize that the affair has been on your mind less than it use to be. You will sometimes forget to do something that you use to do with frustrating regularity.

It's amazing that I found this recent blog, because I have just finished with another conversation with my husband asking him about ways to navigate and build trust up in him again. My story might help you to see that your really in a good place.
My husband says things about wanting me to trust him again, but doesn't DO or offer any transparency. No passwords to bank accounts, emails, or anything. He blames it on me that I cannot be trusted because after catching him in his second affair I took some money out ($3200) of our account for an attorney. He says he won't give me access to anything unless I give him the money back. Since he makes 200k a year and I make 20k, he has always used money as his main avenue to hurt me with.. until these 2 affairs of course.... and I don't recall in all my 54 years of life that I have ever felt such excruciating pain...ever.

Having access to our finances, his cell, and his email accounts wasn't really the real problem at all, it's his unwillingness to give me what I need to even begin to feel safe again with him.
It may look like that I'm keeping the money because I want a divorce, but it's not. Just 2 days before catching him the last time, i had given him the last little bit of our business money that I had, and told him I was nervous about giving it back - pathetically telling him i don't have any resources to defend myself with if his affair wasn't over. But he "oh baby you can trust me" and how and much he loved me, and my heart wanted to trust. Then 2 days later I was faced with catching him having dinner with different woman in his apartment.
D-day for me was November (7 months ago) then again in February (same woman) and again in April (different woman) but this is where we still are. I know what you must be thinking... but No, I wasn't born stupid, but I can see where it looks like it on paper.
I believed in my covenant, and was willing to forgive, with his promises each time of no more lies, and continuous counseling together, each time being deceived. After a long marriage intensive, I thought it was a good time to ask about how to navigate building trust again... and that's when the money became his bargaining chip.
Be grateful my friend, gratefully that all your strength and courage to stay in your marriage is now paying off. All the pain it caused is becoming a just memory .. you go girl!

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Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site. Featured articles are listed on the Articles page.