How to Straight-White-Man-ify Your Resume in 8 Simple Steps (Wink*!)

One of the key ingredients of any great resume is its ability to convey a sense of who you are as a unique individual. Unless, of course, you are not a straight white male, in which case you want to hide as much of that uniqueness as possible. Because, let’s face it: “culture fit” is a key factor when determining who is chosen for a phone, screen or in-person interview. And that culture you’re trying to fit into? That’s right: it’s probably overwhelmingly straight and white and male. You don’t want to miss the cut because you seemed too female, gay or black, do you?

No, you don’t.

Here are 8 steps to straight-white-manify your resume so you can catch that potential employer’s attention, get your foot in the door, and surprise your future team in the interview room. Using these tips will surely get you that interview and land you a job at a company where you’ll have to continue hiding your true self indefinitely. Good luck!

Use initials instead of your full first name

For example, instead of “Sarah Cooper,” I would be “S. Cooper.” This way, they don’t know if I’m Steve Cooper or Slater Cooper or Stanford Cooper, but they’ll definitely assume I’m a straight white man.

Avoid using pronouns in your professional summary

For the same reason, avoid using pronouns such as he, she, they or it. To do this, speak in the first person about your overall goals. For example, “I’m a marketing professional with a killer background in everything awesome.”

Use a male-sounding email address

Your email address may give away your identity too much, so consider creating a new one. Use something like “yeahboy23@gmail.com” or “purpledrank69@net.net” so you seem young and fun and hip and male and slightly immature. This will give you a “Mark Zuckerberg” vibe.

For bullet points, use the male symbol

In your bullet point lists, replace dots or dashes with the universal symbol for male. This may seem over-the-top but remember, as a straight white male, subtlety has never been your strong suit.

Be irreverent

Sprinkle in words like “gamechanger,” “changemaker” and “gamemaker.” Spell “skillz” with a z. Under accomplishments, simply say, “I got shit done, alright? Trust me.” This is the kind of attitude your entire resume should embody.

Use only the color blue to suggest color blindness

Make sure to keep your resume as devoid of color as possible, but if you do use color, use only blue. This will suggest that you’re color blind, like 12% of men in the world.

Use incomplete sentences

Throw in a few incomplete sentences, like “I increased quarterly revenue by…” As a woman, you might think incomplete sentences are unprofessional, but remember, you are not a woman, you are a straight white man. When a straight white man uses incomplete sentences, people think he’s “busy” and “a genius.”

Include interests and extracurriculars

List your favorite whiskey, scotch, or IPA. If you actually do love whiskey, scotch or IPA, that is great! Show it off. And add “X-Treme Sports” to your extracurricular interests. Say that your favorite movie is The Big Lebowski. And also that you love socks.

This guest post was authored by Sarah Cooper

Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, speaker, and author of the bestselling book 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. She built her comedy career in-between working as a user experience designer for companies like Yahoo! and Google, where she was fed free lunches and lots of material. She is the creator of the satirical blog TheCooperReview.com, which is viewed by millions around the world and has been featured in the Washington Post, Forbes, and Fast Company. Want to see a bit more of Sarah? Check her out live on stage in the YouTube video below of standup highlights. Her new book is How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men’s Feelings. Learn more about Sarah Cooper at sarahcpr.com.