John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Caught Between Medical Decisions and a Broken Heart (Published 4/26/11)

Q:

I lost my father this past September. I'm writing this and not really believing it's true, still. I cry every day and night. I was very close with my dad. He had cancer. Doctors told him if he got chemo, he could have 5 more years of life. I believe now, and also then, that chemo is used for monetary gain, as my father only lived a year. It destroyed his immune system.

Why didn't they just tell my dad at his age he'd probably have a better quality of life without the chemo? I guess I know that answer-GREED. They gave my wonderful dad false hope. I remember my dad saying those exact words with tears in his eyes. I keep thinking over and over again in my head, if only I could have had my dad for 5 more years. He did not look his age. He was full of life and had been healthy all his life. He wasn't even on any medication. Instead of covering their behinds (the doctors), they should be honest with people and not just think of the almighty dollar. Sorry for writing so much, but I'm afraid I will never be happy again.

My daughter is 23 years old and is moving away from home (my only child), so it is my mom who I will be around with the most, which is difficult, because it is a very hard time for her. They would have been married 60 years in October. Does the hurt and pain ever go away?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Sadly, we’ve heard that kind of lament about the medical profession thousands of times. And obviously nothing we can say, can bring your dad back and give him a chance to make a different decision about dealing with his cancer.

So let’s go to the things that we can address. We believe your heart is broken because your father died. As you said, you were very close with him. We have no doubt you miss him very much. And, we imagine the medical circumstances you detailed in your note add to the pain you feel. But we also think you would be equally devastated if he had died of a sudden heart attack.

We want you to focus on your emotional reaction to his death, and not on the medical community or the treatment choice. As painful as those realities are, you need to move off of them so you can focus on your broken heart in your relationship to your father.

The other compounding issue for you is the feelings you’re having about the inevitable change in your relationship with your daughter. So when you ask, “does the hurt and pain ever go away,” we want you to recognize that when you add your daughter’s leaving home to the death of your father, you give yourself what feels like an insurmountable emotional burden.

Rather than planning for pain in your emotional future, let’s so some real work in the present. Go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it, and then start taking the actions it outlines – either with a partner or on your own.

As you do the work, we believe you will start to see a tremendous relief from the pain you’ve been feeling, and an ability to retain the fond memories of your relationship with your dad, and to share those memories with others.

We also believe that you will be able to adapt to the changes in your life caused by your daughter’s moving away, and allow you to maintain and even expand that relationship and still allow her to go out and build her own new life.