Contents

Fifty Shades of Stupid

This book is written by Lydia Meadows, depicting the lives of her friends in, you guessed it, fifty shades of stupid. This book is meant to be stupid, all characters are based off of friends. So, if you enjoy it, well then I guess you are as insane as the author who wrote it.

Fifty Shades of Stupid {Full Version}

Prologue: Set Fire to Everything

BostonNovember 23, 2020

It was a dark stormy night, Celeste was busy cooking a meal for her beloved husband, Orion Barbadoslatte. They had met five years ago, though in the most stupidest way imaginable. Even though the meal Celeste was cooking was burnt black from cooking it too long, she knew her husband wouldn't mind, since he knew she couldn't cook for shit.

No wonder they would usually order Pizza. Celeste's crazy ass sister, Lydia, had been living with them for the past three years, ever since the loss of her pet donkey, she had been mentally unstable. Ellen, Orion and Celeste's adopted Asian child came into the kitchen, she was six years old, but was smarter then everyone in the household combined. After they married four years ago, they decided to adopt, since Celeste couldn't bear any children, being a stripper for 10 years gave her one to many STD's.

"Mother, look at this diagram I made of Pluto, isn't this yellow paper beautiful?" Ellen giggled. Lydia suddenly saw the yellow paper, and grabbed a lighter from Celeste's drawer of "All the Shit I have Stolen from My Clients".

There was knives, base ball cards, and old Nokia cellphone, even the tip of a man's private part.

Lydia grabbed the paper from Ellen, and set it on fire. Ellen screamed, while Lydia's signature evil grin went on display. "You need Jesus." Celeste sighed, and sat the burnt chicken onto the table. "When will daddy be home?" Ellen pouted, her brown eyes turning big like Puss'n'Boots from Shrek.

"When he gets here, and when he does, I will kill him." Lydia said to herself, her left eye twitching as she began to cackle like a maniac. "Mommy, can you tell me the story of how you and daddy met? You always say I am to young to know, it can't be that bad can it?" said Ellen. Lydia and Celeste glanced at one another, then to the Chinese child. "Well Ellen, it was a dark stormy night..." Celeste began, Lydia was setting everything yellow on fire in the background.

****

Chapter 1: The Whiner

BostonMay 11, 2015

Celeste Meadows was a hooker working the streets of Boston, till Orion found her wandering the streets. He was busy looking for another whore to fuck, since that is all he had time for after he worked long hours at a shitty law firm. It was a wonder they stayed in business, they always lost their cases.

He pulled his car onto the curb, Celeste wrapped her long coat around her, all that was underneath was a dirty thong her grandmother had given her, and a crappy yellow tank top. He rolled down his window, he stared at her, Celeste looked at him, her blue eyes pouring into his soul, her wavy dark thick hair framed her face.

She pulled out a gun, then shot his front tire, it immediately flattened, He looked aghast, and quickly jumped out of the car, Celeste aimed the gun at him, her index finger shaking against the trigger.

"Wait!" Orion cautioned, raising his arms up slowly, in a calming gesture.

Celeste's eyes opened up in alarm as he got closer, she flung the gun onto the ground, but as it fell against the hard concrete, the gun fired, and Orion howled in pain, then clutched the front of his pants. Celeste screamed, as Orion fell to the ground, she had shot him in his balls. "I'm so sorry!" Celeste cried, she stooped to his side, as he rolled on the ground, moaning in pain.

"Woman! You shot me in my fucking nuts!" he cried, Celeste tried to stifle a laugh. "Let me call an ambulance!" Celeste said, putting her hand into his coat pocket and dug around for his phone.

She yanked out a old Nokia cell phone, "Really? You drive a 30,000 dollar car, yet you have a fucking Nokia from 2001?" Celeste remarked, and dialed 911. Orion sat up, his left hand still holding his nuts, which bled everywhere.

"I'm going to die!" Orion cried, and began to bawl like a baby. "Grow the fuck up! SO what? You got shot in the balls, stop whining like a sissy." Celeste laughed, "911 what is your emergency?" the operator said.

"We have dispatched an ambulance, and are on our way." the operator replied, then the line went dead. Celeste helped Orion to his feet, and leaned him against his car, the bleeding had gone down, but Orion seemed to pale by the second. "You're dying." Celeste gasped. Orion glared at her, "No shit." They could hear sirens in the distance, Orion looked at the whore in front of him, "So why did you have a gun on you?" he asked. Celeste looked at him as if he was the most stupidest person to walk the earth. "There are drug dealers and pimps around here, you gotta protect yourself, and kill those who poach on my business, little whores." Celeste hissed.

"You've killed people?!" gasped Orion. "Like I said, I kill whores that steal business." Celeste reinstated. "That- that's great." Orion stammered, he almost passed out till Celeste caught him before he fell to the ground, the ambulance pulled up beside the car. "What the hell, is that a whore?" one of the paramedics said. Celeste rolled her eyes. The paramedics got Orion onto a stretcher, and quickly wheeled him into an ambulance, he was passed out. A cop car pulled up, and after that a fire truck.

The cop got out, and eyed Celeste, his eyes widening. "You!" the cop shouted. Celeste jerked her head towards the cop, the ambulance doors closed and took off down the road.

The cop walked towards Celeste with such swag, she looked taken aback. "You're under arrest for prostitution!" he yelled, "What makes you assume I'm a hooker!" Celeste fired back. "You're dressed like one! Who the hell wears a green thong?" the cop bellowed. Celeste gasped, "You must not like green then!" the Cop rolled his eyes, and grabbed Celeste by her shoulders. He yanked her towards his police cruiser, and forced her onto the hood, then pulled her hands behind her back and into handcuffs.

Celeste clenched her teeth together, her arms sore after being grabbed tightly by the cop, he threw her into the back of his seat. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to a-" he paused, "You know what I mean. I have said this line 30 fucking times today! God I hate my job." the cop sighed.

Celeste raised an eyebrow. Celeste stared at him, "Maybe you can let me go, I can give you an amazing experience..." Celeste said, batting her eyelashes at him. "Miss, you basically admitted to being a prostitute." the cop said, then slammed the back door. "Dammit." Celeste whined. Hours later, as Celeste Meadows tapped the wall of her cell with her chipped fingernail, she thought of the man she shot.

****

Chapter 2: A New Friend

BostonMay 12, 2015

The man she had shot in the balls, was he alive? Did he have to be castrated? Or was he a bouncing baby boy? She didn't quite know. The officer that kept an eye on the jailed inmates walked up to her cell, she flung herself to the bars, and grabbed onto them.

"Sir, please let me go, I have a sister to feed at home!" Celeste cried.

"And her freaky pet donkey..." Celeste thought.

"Miss, you won't be going for at least for a week, since you were arrested for prostitution." the officer replied, crossing his arms. "Why didn't he search me before putting me in his car?" Celeste questioned, "I could of had a gun." The officer narrowed his eyes at Celeste, "Does that explain why the man the ambulance came and got was bleeding in his, "area"?" the cop asked, "And your 30 grams of cocaine was tested, and it was actually crushed up Smarties, so you will not be charged for possession of drugs." the cop said.

"Pablo gave me fucking smashed up candy?! I paid him 2 weeks of pay for that shit!" Celeste exclaimed. "Sorry that you were scammed Miss, but consider it luck, you could of gotten prison time." the cop stated.

"Prison? I rather be in prison! I wasted my fucking money!" Celeste cried, and let go of the bars. "Anyway, you will see the judge in the morning." and with that, he turned on his heel and walked out of sight. Celeste sighed, and curled into a ball.

Morning came, and Celeste was lead into the courtroom, a round fat balding judge sat before her, his nose so long he could be Pinocchio's bitch cousin. "Miss Meadows, you have been found guilty of prostitution, how do you plead in your defense?" the judge asked, his thick eyebrows furrowing together. "I plead guilty, I am a whore, obviously." Celeste stated.

"So be it, you will serve 14 days in jail." the judge said. He picked up his gavel and banged it onto his desk, "Now get this filth away from me." the judge spat. Celeste was whisked away, Celeste turned her head and stuck her tongue at him before she was shoved through the door.

Days passed, Celeste began to claw at the cell walls, her jail roommate would stare into the wall, for hours at a time, then mutter to herself about, "Aliens". On the 10th day of Celeste's time in the jail, she went up to the girl. "What's your name?" Celeste asked, the girl jerked her head towards Celeste. "The name is Frye, Cassandra Frye." she replied, then quickly went back to staring at the wall.

An officer came to escort Celeste and Cassandra to the cafeteria, their ankles were bound in shackles, they did not go well with these orange jumpsuits. They were also cuffed around our wrists, Cassandra hissed at the officer, he rolled his eyes. "So Cassandra, how did you wind up in this joint?" Celeste asked as they were led down the hall, it had taken her two weeks to ask that specific question. Cassandra hissed, the officer sighed.

"She was arrested for using a bat and beating up a "fan girl" of her husband, Jordan Frye. Apparently he is a famous YouTuber along with his siblings." Celeste's eyes widened in surprise. Cassandra hissed again as they walked through the cafeteria door.

As they were lead through the cafeteria, women all around glared at them, most of them had tattoos, one had "Fuck" and "Shit" tattooed on her knuckles.

Cassie's eyes kept darting in different directions, Celeste began to wonder if she was mentally unstable. The officer released them from their cuffs, but the ankle cuffs remained, everyone else had theirs on still.

Celeste walked to the line to get the disgusting looking food, brown beans and strange looking potatoes, she picked up a tray, handing one to Cassie, who grabbed it.

Celeste walked to get her food, while Cassie took the tray, then cracked it in half as she smashed it into her head. It broke into millions of pieces, the thing was just made of styrofoam. Cassie then scurried away and flew under a table.

Celeste sat at the end of a table, it was deserted, no wonder, there was food all over it, there was even something written in ketchup on the seat beside her, it read, "I see dead people."

This place was just a few notches away from being a mental asylum, mostly everyone here looked like they were in gangs, some looked like they were on hardcore drugs, the rest were just prostitutes like herself.

"Or insane wack-jobs like Cassandra Fyre..." Celeste thought as she attempted to swallow a brown bean, she spit it back up.

Celeste heard the seat in front of her squeak in protest as someone sat down in it, Celeste looked up, looking at a corrections officer, her eyes were green, while her brown hair was tied into a braid. her tag on her chest read Haley Armstrong. With her face, she could of easily passed for a teenager, but the rest of her said a different story, she was buffed out for a woman, she could easily beat someones ass to a pulp.

"Hello there." said Haley, "Are you going to beat my ass?" Celeste replied, forcing a spoon of potatoes down her throat, she wanted to barf it back up. "What? No! You're sitting here all alone, I see your friend ran off." Haley said, both turned their heads to Cassie, who was rolling around in weeks old garbage, the other correction officers were filming it and laughing.

"So Celeste, how did you wind up in this joint?" Haley asked. A grin spread across Celeste's face, "It's quite an interesting tale..." she began.

****

Chapter 3: Mend Those Broken Boys

BostonMay 25, 2015

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Orion had underwent two blood transfusions, and a surgery that removed the bullet from his nuts. They began to heal by the fifth day he was in the hospital, it was a wonder he was able to piss.

Orion's doctor waltzed in, a short round man in his early 30's. He was a full Russian, and would flirt with the nurses and rage at stupid hospital volunteers that messed something up. Dr. Leo Joho Bekkerwoman held onto his clip board, and checked the machine that was reading Orion's vitals.

Dr. Leo sat on his chair and wheeled himself towards Orion. "How are the boys feeling today?" the doctor asked. "They have seen better days, till a streetwalker shot them." Orion sighed. "Shame." Dr. Leo sighed, and pulled a small bottle of vodka from his coat pocket. He twisted the cap and downed it in one gulp. "Want one? I have 30 more in the trunk of my mustang." the doctor asked. "I don't give 2.5 fuck about Vodka, get me some whiskey." Orion muttered, and closed his eyes.

The doctor laughed, and got up and walked to the cabinet where the towels were stored. He lifted a blanket and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, he always kept all the rooms fully stocked. Orion began to snore behind Leo. "Oh well, more for me!" the doctor chirped, then opened the cap. He tipped his head back and began to chug the whiskey down as he whistled down the hall way.

~ Two Weeks Later ~

After the two weeks Orion spent getting his nuts back together, his drunken doctor finally said he could be released. Orion wondered how many DUI's the doctor had, some nurse mentioned about 20. As Orion left the hospital, his mind wondered to the whore who had shot him. She was most likely arrested, he was surprised he wasn't caught being a pimp, he had been sleeping with a prostitute at least once a week.

He flipped open his ancient ass Nokia phone, it somehow had access to the internet, he went to a ghetto store, they installed the internet on it, the ad had said they charged $300, so it seemed legit to Orion.

He looked up the police arrest records for the area, flipping to the date that he was shot, and there she was, both of her eyes crossed and giving the camera two signature middle fingers, she looked stoned out of her mind. Her name read Celeste Meadows.

~ At a Random Jail ~

Orion drove up to the county jail, he had to use his small doughnut tire, the other was in the backseat, the bullet still inside it. As he walked in, the place was completely empty, except an angry looking woman behind the counter, her brown hair was pulled into a tight pony tail, a deep blue vein was throbbing on her forehead.

Her tag read Haley Armstrong, her head slowly looked up, and glared at Orion. "May I help you?" she asked, Orion scratched his head.

"I was wondering, about two weeks ago, you guys arrested a prostitute, Celeste Meadows." Orion explained. "Oh her, boy that girl is a character man, she is getting out today actually, are you her ride?" Haley asked. "Uhh..." Orion pondered, "Yes." he replied.

"Great, come this way." said Haley, and a heavy metal door opened beside Orion. He stepped forward into it, people of all backgrounds were sitting in chairs, some were chained to their chairs, others were crying or looking at others with murderous glints in their eyes.

Orion was lead through the throng of jail inmates, and into a long hall with cells lined up side by side, thick concrete walls were in between each cell, with iron bars in the front. Orion saw many strange looking women, some looked like they would knit you a sweater, others, looked as if they would steal your puppy and make you cry.

They stopped in front of a rather tidy cell, the others smelled of feces, while some literally had blood smeared on the walls, one even read, "Come at me bitch!".

He saw a woman gnawing on the bed post, while the other, which he recognized as Celeste, who had shot him in his balls. That orange jumpsuit looked horrid with her dark hair. The woman gnawing on the bed post snapped her head at him, her left eye was twitching, the other one was looking in the other direction, she started hissing.

"Hey Celeste, is this the man you shot in the balls?!" Haley snickered, Celeste turned, her blue eyes widening as she stared at Orion, then to Haley.

"Why yes, I did shoot him in the balls." Celeste said, quite loudly, the hall then was filled with hoots and hollers, the women in the cells began banging their cups on their cells. One through their cup at Orion's feet, which was filled with something unmentionable.

"Yes, she shot me in the balls thank you!" Orion said sarcastically, then did a dramatic bow, the women all glared at him, then about 30 cups flew towards Orion's head, he ducked, though one hit him in the balls, another hit him on the forehead.

"Can I leave now? My cellmate tried to eat my toe last night." Celeste pouted, "Lies!" the girl beside her hissed, "Cassie, you did. But I will now always love you. Call me when you are released!"

Cassie hissed in response, then crawled under her bed, like a spider.

"Yup, this dickless man has come to rescue you from feminist Heaven." Haley said, pulling out a chain of keys, it fell all the way to the ground, Orion wondered how she was even able to fit it in her pocket. After about five minutes of looking for the key, Celeste was finally freed, she was given her green thong and crappy yellow tank top back, her coat however, was stolen. Some crazy cat lady who worked at the police station took it, claiming she needed to make more outfits for her obese cats.

Orion however, just happened to have a long black coat on, he gave it to Celeste to wear, since she looked like a legit hooker once again. "Thanks for coming to get me, I thought my sister would be here though." Celeste sighed, they walked through the department, the people still chained to chairs spit at them, one hollered something in Chinese. Suddenly, Celeste stopped, and turned, "Pablo?!" she screeched. A fat balding Mexican looked up to them, he began to pale by the second.

"You gave me crushed up candy you rotten taki!" Celeste hissed. Orion grabbed her, restraining her as she tried to attack him. The police just stared for one second, then continued eating their doughnuts. "I didn't give you candy! Or did I?" Pablo said, then turned to Orion, "Sir, where am I?" "In hell." Orion replied, then dragged Celeste towards the exit.

"Pablo Wawa, I will burn your fucking chicken shack to the ground you bastard!" Celeste howled, Haley was already back behind the counter, the chain of keys hanging from her pocket. Orion and Celeste burst through the door, to find a wild looking woman glaring at them. At her side, was an obese looking donkey, it had a purple collar around it's neck, with the name Oz printed on it.

"Since when do they let donkeys into police stations? " Orion thought. The girl's hair was frizzy, going in about a thousand different directions, she wore a very strange looking dress, with pictures of donkeys printed all over it, and like Celeste, was very short.

Oz, the donkey, then proceeded to lift his tail, poop then fell to the ground in clumps.

Chapter 4: Cue the Crazy Donkey Lady

BostonMay 25, 2015

It had been a rough week, Lydia knew her sister Celeste worked hard during the nights, it was even harder since Celeste had been incarcerated for the past two weeks. She had received a call from the county jail, her sister was being released that afternoon. Celeste had gone over the details about how she was caught, and the moment Lydia heard of this Orion, she wanted to immediately kill him, Oz could have him for dinner.

Since Celeste was a stripper, Lydia had a part time job at the dollar store, she was only twenty-one, but looked ten. Her best friend, besides her sister, was her donkey, Oz, short for Ozvaldo. Three years ago, Celeste and Lydia had gone on a road trip to Texas, close to the border of Mexico. While there, they saw a strange sight before them. A brown donkey was running from about ten police officers, the donkey was crossing the border of Mexico, obviously illegally.

Lydia, seeing this poor creature running for its life, quickly drove to its rescue, however, Celeste was against it, so Lydia knocked her out and threw her into the backseat of the Bronco. Driving like a madwoman, Lydia drove beside the sprinting donkey, opening the side door somehow while driving, the donkey jumped in, trusting Lydia immediately.

With a flow of Spanish swear words in their wake, Lydia made off with the donkey, the Bronco backfiring onto the angry group of cops. On closer inspection of the thin animal, Lydia noticed there were packets filled with a white substance, it was cocaine. No wonder it was running from the cops, some Mexicans were probably trying to sneak the cocaine over the border. By the time they made it back to Boston, all of the cocaine was gone, Lydia, Celeste, even the donkey, were stoned beyond their minds.

Lydia named the donkey Ozvaldo, since that was the only Mexican name that popped into her head between hits of cocaine. It was a wonder they even made it back home without getting killed, or worse, getting lost. Just as soon as Ozvaldo was settled into their three bedroom house, Lydia fattened him up, he was addicted to smarties.

Now, Lydia stared at a strange looking man, who stood beside her sister, why was she still wearing that thong and tank top? It was terrible, and their grandmother had terrible fashion tastes, Lydia completely hated yellow. And Celeste refused her donkey printed dresses, there was nothing wrong with them! And that man, whose name was Orion, he was the one who was shot in the balls? Lydia was very proud of her sister.

Lydia's hair was mid-length and frizzy, Lydia wished she had cut Celeste's hair in her sleep, it was nearly down to her ass. Everyone just stared at one another, till Orion muttered "Uh...", of course Oz had to sit in his poop, he did that often, he was getting older. "Well?" Lydia hissed, glaring at Orion. He towered over Celeste, his hair almost shaved bald, he looked like a retard, Lydia felt repelled, he needed to shave that neck hair.

"Lydia I am so glad to get out of this shit hole, but I met some new people! You should meet them!" Celeste exclaimed, clasping her two hands together happily.

Lydia just stared at Celeste, an annoyed expression on her face, "Let's go, I need to take Oz to the vet for his daily check-up."

"Sorry, Oz is very precious to her, he is like her child." Celeste said to Orion, Lydia was now bawling into her shoulder, Oz walked towards the door, waiting for his owner to stop crying, the donkey in fact looked bored out of its mind.

"So Orion, to thank you for coming to get me out, would you like to have dinner at our place?" Celeste said, Lydia's blood shot eyes snapped to Orion, "What?! I came to get you out!" Lydia cried.

"I know, I know, but I did shoot him in the balls, and he did come to get me out regardless, the man deserves a dinner!" Celeste said, "I uh... I don't know..." Orion muttered, "Nonsense! Come! I promise we don't bite! Except Oz, just don't touch his food." Celeste babbled, they all walked out of the police station.

"I so need to change out of this, I feel like a whore." Celeste whined, Orion made no comment as they walked over towards their cars.

"I have a spare dress in the Bronco! And Celeste, my beloved sister, you are a whore." Lydia said, opening the side door, letting Oz climb into the back. "I rather paint myself yellow, and have you set me on fire, then to wear those hideous dresses." Celeste remarked.

"Mind if I ride with you? So you don't get lost, Lydia likes to drive fast so..." Celeste added to Orion, eyeing Orion's Honda, it looked brand new compared to the Bronco, the thing was twenty years old, the black paint on it chipped and weathered. The Bronco backfired as Lydia turned the key to start it, black smoke poured out of the loud muffler.

"See you assholes at home!" Lydia yelled, shifting the Bronco into reverse, leaving tire treads on the pavement as the tires spun in place. Orion's eyes widened, this woman was perhaps more insane then the hissing lunatic in the jail. The Bronco shot out of sight, all that was left was the trail of black smoke.

Celeste and Orion made their way over to the Meadows residence, it was actually in a nice neighborhood. It took them about thirty minutes to get there, Orion drove 20 mph in a 50 mph zone. They pulled up into a short driveway, a small looking cottage stood before them, it was made of red brick, green window panels were set along the windows. The Bronco was parked in the driveway, Orion cut the engine off to the Honda.

As they got out, Orion noticed a strange looking man walk towards them, his hair jet black and curly, his skin tanned, but he was dressed in a duck suit. "Celeste! There you are my dear, how was jail? I hope they didn't harm my daughter!" the man cried, "Oh I'm fine mother! Everyone was actually quite nice!" Celeste chirped.

"He's their mother? But how...?" Orion thought.

The man gave Celeste a smile, then walked over to the house beside Celeste's, walking inside. "That was your mother?" Orion asked, Celeste let out a chuckle. "No, that is Samir Delarosa, he thinks Lydia and I are his daughters, ever since he moved in beside us about a year ago. In a way he is like our mother, even though he is the same age as me. He is a bit crazy, he has really bad PTSD." she chirped, like a bird.

Celeste walked by Orion, while his jaw dropped in disbelief, these people were total nut jobs!

Celeste opened the green front door, on the inside, the place was spotless. Lydia sat on the gray couch, Oz sitting on the floor beside her, he dozed off the minute he got home. "I'm going to go change." Celeste said, handing Orion's jacket to him, then disappeared into the hallway. "So, "Orion", what made you want to pick up my sister off the streets? Is it because she has a nice ass, or is it because her eyes drew you in." Lydia muttered, stirring a cup of coffee that just somehow got into her hands.

"I think it was the eyes-" Orion stuttered, "Of course it was her eyes, she has no ass." Lydia said, taking a sip of her coffee. Celeste walked back out, she had put on shorts, and a blue T-shirt. "So! What would you like for dinner?" Celeste asked, walking to the kitchen, Lydia had vanished suddenly, Oz was gone as well.

Orion walked into the kitchen, they had a magnetic fridge with letters on it, some were arranged in the phrase, "Yellow Must Burn!"

"Woman, have you even tried it!" Orion remarked, "Well, no..." Celeste muttered, then was interrupted by Orion.

"Go get your shoes on, I'm taking you to a crab shack." Orion announced. Celeste put her hands on her hips, "I'll go, but you won't force me to eat crab, I will kill you in your sleep." Celeste hissed.

"Challenge accepted." he replied.

****

Chapter 5: Bullets and Burnt Dinner

BostonNovember 23, 2020

Everyday Orion got up to go to that law firm, he hated it with a fiery passion, despite that, the pay was decent, it helped him create his vast gun collection he had procured over the years. He had about every type of muzzleloading gun on his gun rack, the whole thing took up a portion of their living room wall. That, and the stuffed deer head he had shot years before.

Due to his obsession with Jackie Chan, Orion named the deer, Deerchan.

Orion pulled up to their cliché suburban home, there was a white picket fence in their front yard, the driveway lead to their garage, where Lydia's shitty Bronco took up most of the space. That thing had been in 20 accidents since 2015, it was a wonder Lydia even still had her license, she always drove on the wrong side of the road, honking her horn at everyone. The black smoke form the Bronco alone could cover up an entire city like a blanket.

The house itself, was a two-story brick house, it being a classic ranch style home. As Orion walked up to the front door, he could already smell the burnt food his wife had cooked, it smelled like burnt ass chicken.

He was met at the door by Ellen, their adopted Chinese child. "Welcome home Daddy!" the little girl squealed, her black pigtails bounced as she jumped around with excitement. "HEY KIDDO!" Orion said, then Ellen stopped jumping. "Take off your shoes!" Ellen screeched, then pointed to the mountain of shoes beside the door, Celeste had a shoe collection from hell. It took Orion about 30 minutes every morning just to find a matching shoe, Ellen made them take their shoes off before they came inside. It's something her biological father, Pablo Gai Wang, taught her to do.

Orion kicked off his knock off leather shoes, they were immediately swallowed by the shoe mountain. Setting his briefcase down, his case today had went bad, as they normally did, he was defending Cassandra Frye, an old friend of his wife, they had met five years ago. Cassie was trying to get help for her insane tendencies, but when a fan girl tried to kiss her husband, she then beat her up with a child's plastic cellphone. He was doing his best to get her acquitted of the charges, Celeste really wanted Cassie over for Thanksgiving in a few days.

"Oh and Daddy?" Ellen said, her eyes growing huge every time she looked up at someone. "YES?" Orion said, "Mommy told me about how you two met! Can you tell me more!" Ellen chirped, then twirled around till she smacked right into the wall with a thump. As Ellen fell to the floor and lay motionless, it was obvious she knocked herself out cold. "CELESTE? YOU TOLD HER HOW WE MET?!" Orion roared, shaking the walls. The walls were shitty to begin with, the exterior of the home looked like a turn of the century home, on the inside however, the 60's threw up everywhere. Celeste popped her head out from around the corner, the smell of burnt food surrounding her small frame.

"Hi sweetie! And yes I did, she has a right to know!" Celeste said, giving her husband a peck on the cheek. Then Orion grabbed her, pinning her to the wall, the two began a full on make out session. They didn't even notice their unconscious child on the floor, passed out on the floor like a starfish. It was even more strange when they didn't notice Lydia dragging Ellen away into the dark hallway. Lord knows what Lydia would do to people when unconscious. Celeste's hair was almost shaved bald when she woke up one time, that was before Lydia went full-on insane.

Just as Orion and Celeste ended their gay lovemaking, Ellen was nowhere in sight. "WHAT DID YOU EXACTLY TELL HER?" Orion said, "Must you always fucking yell?" Celeste frowned, "I CAN'T HELP IT, YOUR FUCKING SISTER HIT ME IN MY THROAT BEFORE YOU AND I WENT ON OUR HONEYMOON. NOW I CAN ONLY TALK IN THIS TONE OF VOICE!" Orion replied. Sadly, his throat could only talk if he yelled his words, that, and Lydia had slowly made him go insane. Just a bit. Okay maybe a lot.

"Well, I even told her how I shot you in the dick!" Celeste chuckled, then turned on her heel and vanished into the kitchen. "WHAT!" Orion yelled, walking into the kitchen after his wife, the whole entire kitchen was smokey, the oven was still open. About 6 inches of grease covered the oven, including the racks and sides of the oven, it was a wonder the house didn't explode, or worse, catch on fire. "She probably won't even remember, besides, I have dinner waiting for you!" Celeste replied.

Orion sat at the table, eyeing the burnt chicken, it barely had any meat on it, the bones that poked out were singed black, ash surrounded the burnt ass chicken. The bad thing about this chicken however, was that Celeste cooked the chicken alive, the fresher the better! Though the head was gone, as were the feet.

"Sorry, it's burned, again." Celeste sighed, sitting on the chair across from Orion. "DON'T WORRY, I WILL EAT IT!" Orion said, grabbing a plate and a knife to cut into the chicken. The moment he cut into it, the chicken disintegrated, all that was left was a pile of ash.

"..........." Orion sat there in silence, this normally happened every other night.

"I guess I will order another pizza..." Celeste muttered. Lydia waltzed into the room, Ellen beside her, the child had a huge knot on her forehead from where she banged it. That, and Lydia had drawn a mustache on the girl's face, and gave her a uni-brow, however, the Chinese child was blissfully unaware.

Lydia glared at the pile of ash, then grinned as she looked at Celeste. "Burned another meal?" Lydia cackled, "Excellent, let's order another fucking pizza!" Lydia said, grabbing the phone off the counter, handing it to Celeste.

Celeste rolled her eyes and went to grab the phone book. "Who should we call this time? Pizza Hut? Dominos? Cici's?" Celeste said, flipping through the book's pages.

"I will fucking order it, you always order it with crab meat, AND THIS IS NOT A CRAB HOUSEHOLD!" Lydia screeched, then began to mutter incomprehensible gibberish into the phone.

"FICKEN ESEL MISTSTÜCK!" Orion bellowed, jumping up off from the floor, like a ninja. The German Orion shouted, meant, fucking donkey bitch, he would usually swear in German when someone insulted his fucking precious crab meat, or Deerchan.

Lydia flipped him off, "Yes. Si, NO!" Lydia screeched into the phone. Celeste sighed, then walked out of the kitchen.

~ Later ~

After Lydia raged to the pizza place for 10 minutes, now they had to wait another 20 for the pizza to arrive. Orion sat at the table, a 50 cal. muzzleloader on the table, he was polishing it, it was his oldest in his vast collection. Lydia hated Orion's gun collection, especially that, what Lydia described, was a piece of shit gun. And, it was bright fucking yellow. She preferred machine guns.

Celeste waited in the living room, the pizza should be arriving anytime soon. Celeste heard Lydia and Orion yelling back and forth from the kitchen, Celeste just rolled her eyes. Ellen had begun working on her diagram of Pluto again, Lydia burnt the original to a fucking cinder.

Then, Celeste heard their shitty doorbell ring, "Finally!" Celeste chirped, skipping to the door and opened it, to reveal a blond haired delivery boy, their pizza smoking in the box.

"Don't tell me this one is on fire too..." Celeste sighed internally. She still didn't understand why she let Lydia order pizza from these ghetto ass places.

"Is this the Barbadoslatte residence? Here is your smoking hot pizza!" the delivery boy said, his shirt said, "SMOKING HOT PIZZA, IT WILL LITERALLY BURN YOU!" the shirt read, along with a name tag that read Stephen.

"Thanks Stephen!" Celeste said, grabbing the pizza, "How much will it be?" Celeste set the pizza on the table beside the entryway, then grabbed her wallet.

"Thirty dollars, and my name is pronounced "Steven", the "PH" is silent, it is instead a "V" sound." Stephen replied. It completely made sense, right?

Celeste heard angry footsteps come from behind her, till she saw Orion, holding a long yellow tackey 50 cal. muzzleloader that was being pointed at Stephen.

"HEY STIFFY! GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN!" Orion snarled, like an enraged squirrel.

~ Three Seconds Later ~

Lydia walked out towards the commotion, she was holding a box of yellow peeps, she was pissed off that Celeste didn't tell her they had them, she would of burnt these fuckers before Easter. She saw a blond boy cowering before Orion's gay yellow muzzleloader, Lydia rolled her eyes, and stepped between the barrel of the gun, and "STIFFY or Steven", turned his full attention to her.

"Hey there girl, want to come to a Taco Bell and give me a blowjob in the parking lot? I'm desperate." Stephen purred, Lydia's eyes widened in horror, till she pulled out a random lighter, set the box of yellow peeps on fire, and threw it at Stephen. Orion fired the muzzleloader, shooting out Stephan's front tire to his pizza delivery car.

Stephen began running around, screaming like a little girl as his "IT WILL LITERALLY BURN YOU!" T-shirt caught on fire. He quickly tore it off, then ran off into the night, with Lydia chasing him with an aluminum bat, which just magically fucking appeared in her hands.

"WELL! THIS IS THE MOST NORMAL NIGHT WE HAD IN MONTHS!" Orion guffawed, while setting the yellow muzzleloader onto his rack, it looked like a Goddamn rainbow of guns.

Celeste grabbed the pizza, Ellen followed behind as Celeste set it on the kitchen table. Celeste opened the top of the box, "IT'S FUCKING BURNT!" Orion cried, then ate a piece anyway.

"So Mommy, can you tell me more about you two?" Ellen said as she nibbled on a charred piece of pizza. "HOW ABOUT I TELL HER EVERY DETAIL OF OUR FIRST DATE, IT WAS ROMANTIC WASN'T IT DARLING?" Orion snickered.

Ellen leaned closer, her eyes widening, "Tell me!" she squealed. Celeste eyed her daughter, how was this child not emotionally scarred from this family.

"Will you ever get over that? Don't blame Ozvaldo, blame my wack-job of a sister." Celeste hissed. "Fuck you too!" Lydia yelled from somewhere in the house, an aluminum bat came flying into the kitchen, breaking one of the cabinets.

****

Chapter 6: Crab Legs and a Jackass

BostonMay 25, 2015

Orion knew taking Celeste to the crab shack was a make or break in their relationship. He couldn't live without his fucking crab cakes or stuffed crab with some other random crap. Celeste never had crab in her entire life, in all honesty, she claimed they were awful looking, and swore to never eat it. While Orion sported his usual shirt and tie with black slacks, Celeste was dressed in her booty shorts and shirt, with ugly green sandals, her hair curling in every direction. The crab shack was located near the Charles River, the view overlooking it. The weather was dark and overcast, it blocked out the setting sun.

Orion led Celeste to one of the outside tables, and pulled out a chair for her. Sitting down, Celeste glared at the bland blue walls of the outside porch, if she got bit by a mosquito she was going to take a crab leg and stab Orion's eye out.

"So what kind of crab would you like to try? Snow crab? Blue crab? King crab is my favorite..." Orion babbled on, Celeste rolled her eyes up in her head. If she rolled them up high enough, she might look like she was having an exorcism.

"None, I don't eat fucking crab!" Celeste hissed, and threw her fork at his head, he ducked. As the fork fell to the ground with a clink, Orion shot up, and walked over to another table. Seated there was none other then Haley and a Hispanic dude covered in tattoos.

"Mind if I borrow a leg? Thanks." Orion bellowed, and ripped a leg from Haley's crab.

"What the fuck bro?!" she shouted, and lunged at him like an angry teletubby. She fell into a heap on the floor. Haley's boyfriend, Mateo, grunted, then cracked every knuckle in his hands, he was buff as shit dude. Orion sprinted back towards Celeste, ripping the meat from the leg and tossing the remains to the side, Orion shoved the meat into her face.

"EAT IT WOMAN!" Orion shouted. Celeste found his yelling annoying, it was a shame in a few years it would be that way for eternity. Celeste took the meat from his clutch, and flung it off the patio, it sailed right into the river. "NO!" he cried, and ran over to the railing. Celeste smirked, and got up from her chair. Without Orion noticing, she somehow lifted him up and threw him over the railing. He yelled out in protest and tried to catch himself from falling into the river, but fell anyway.

"HOW IS THAT FOR EATING CRAB, ASSHOLE!" Celeste cackled, and turned away from the railing with a satisfied smirk. Haley got up, and walked over to the railing. Seeing Orion cling to the bottom of the patio pole for dear life, she threw the remains of her crab leg at him, and walked back over to her friend.

"Celeste forgive me!" Celeste heard Orion cry from the bottom of the patio, Celeste stuck her head out over the railing, glaring at him.

"Then don't ever try to feed me crab again." she hissed, Orion made his way to the bank, and climbed over the rocks. Still glaring at him, Orion sighed.

"If you would only try it, just once!" he protested, then had to walk back through the shack soaking wet, the staff looked confused, Orion looked like a drowned rat.

"Do you want me to arrest him? I could have Mateo beat him up too." Haley chuckled evilly. Celeste wanted to agree, but for some reason she had to give the buzz cut boy a chance, she did shoot him in the balls.

"I'll be fine, if he pisses me off I will just cut him and throw him into the river." Celeste replied. Haley sighed, and then she and Mateo walked out the door. Orion walked in just as Mateo did, he tripped Orion, sending him falling right at Celeste's feet.

"If I ever see that fucking potato again I will douse him in lighter fluid and light a match." Orion growled, and stood up to his full height. Celeste walked over to the table, and sat back down. Though if he tried, he would most likely be beheaded.

"I'll try your gay fucking crab." she huffed.

****

Twenty Minutes Later...

"I WANT MORE GOD DAMMIT!" Celeste whined, and threw a plate into the river. The waitress stood there trembling. Orion however, was now in love with Celeste, she has eaten at least 20 pounds of crab alone.

"Ma'am see reason! You have eaten to much crab, you could die! And, we have run out of crab!" the waitress cried.

"SEE REASON? I WANT MORE FUCKING CRAB BITCH!" Celeste whined, Orion sat there giggling like a schoolgirl at his date. The waitress then ran out the room crying. "What a pansy!" she remarked, then burped. Loudly. Her stomach was bloated, and she looked a little green.

"Are you sure you can keep all of that down?" Orion questioned, Celeste locked eyes with him for a second, then ran to the railing, and wretched out all of her crab. It turned into a waterfall of crab, water, some crab shell that didn't make it off the meat, and the horrible jail food she ate that morning. Orion handed her a napkin, and wiped whatever was left from her mouth, gross.

"This is the worst date ever." Celeste whined.

"Are you kidding, this is the best!" Orion beamed, "Not once has a girl I took out ate more crab then me! Woman, I am going to marry you some day!"

"Dude, I shot you in the balls, and you know the first time we even did meet, you were willing to give me money to have sex with you. Marriage? Ha! You really are more retarded then I thought." Celeste spat, then turned on her heel.

"Celeste wait! I know I am rushing things!" Orion cried, Celeste stared at him, she wasn't fucking Cinderella or all the other dumb disney bitches, except Elsa, who ran off and wanted some fag to save them.

"Look dude, I am an independent woman, you will submit to me, understand?" Celeste hissed, like a snake. Orion's eyes widened.

"The fuck?" he remarked, "No!" Orion threw some dollar bills onto the table. "Look, this date, was amazing, I have never seen a woman eat 20 pounds of crab, then throw it up and still be able to stand. But I really need to go, I will call you, that is, if you want me to."

"Fine." Celeste huffed, and began to walk towards the door, till it barged open, Lydia stood there, in all of her mighty five foot one inches, she looked like Satan's child. Ozvaldo walked in behind her, he had a new collar on, this one was green and pink striped.

"You went to the crab shack without me?!" she screeched, Orion rolled his eyes, this woman was annoying as hell. And her fashion sense was horrendous, at least Celeste had some style with her streetwalker attire. Right?

"Lydia how did you even find us?" Celeste asked, Lydia cackled, and pulled out some weird fucking device.

"I put a GPS device in your arm years ago, YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE ME!" Lydia screamed, Celeste grabbed the device from her sister and chucked it into the river. "WHAT THE FUCK THAT COST ME $1!" she cried, Ozvaldo began eating the crab shells. Orion wanted to throw himself from the deck and drown now. Then the door opened again, this time, Orion was making his way to the railing to throw himself off now. Their "mother" walked in, still wearing his duck costume.

"Lydia darling don't cry!" Samir sighed, then started consoling his daughter. Celeste's eyebrows shot up as Orion threw one of his legs over the railing.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she asked, "I thought you wanted to marry me in the future."

"What?!" she screeched, then started charging at Orion, an aluminium bat that magically appeared in her fucking hands raised in the air. Orion went face first into that cold river, hoping to escape the lunatic Meadow sisters.