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Naomi

The light from the setting sun just hit my bedroom—two neat squares on the wall opposite. It’s a specifically spring light and my favourite time of day.

This is always a reflective season for me. I get strange and nostalgic, staring intently at the sunsets and the clouds that melt like softly-coloured ice cream sundaes on the horizon. Spring is in the sky, but not down here where it is still freezing and frosty. Snow covers the roofs of the houses, patchy and placid.

It’s Good Friday, but it doesn’t feel like it. Nothing feels the same anymore. I’ve become so accustomed to years of similar patterns and returning feelings to the point that events on a calendar evoke little response from me. Christmas, birthdays, and special occasions don’t seem to matter much. Something within me has changed, though I am still not sure what. It didn’t feel right going to church like I usually do—I don’t know why. Church was open for the afternoon, and usually I just sit on a pew for five or 10 minutes. Last year I wasn’t able to do this because my toe was fucked up and I couldn’t walk. And this year I am too distracted by work and social stuff that my developing ideas of God and prayer don’t even penetrate; I am in some kind of bubble. I hate it.

I keep on thinking of people instead of ideas. Faces instead of theories. I haven’t been growing in my mind—I’ve been growing outwardly instead, reaching out to the world in an unfamiliar way. I have to remind myself to expand inside as well, to read and not just in order to tick off a list of books, but because it enriches me, like when the sun momentarily breaks through the clouds and warms my face.

I thought about turning this past year into a film, and I even wrote a scene in my head. It involved boys, and it helped me clarify events. There was a boy I didn’t particularly want, but he wanted me. And there was a boy whom I fancied the pants off and have kissed a few times, but at the same time I struggled to give a fuck, which seems contradictory, but then I am a teenage girl with mixed feelings and a lazy attitude toward the hassle of relations. And finally there was—there is—the boy who started it all, and at times I wonder, Why him? And then I realise there is no reason why, it just is. The only person I’ve ever really “loved” for whatever reason didn’t love me back.

When I lie on my bed or the floor, all I see is the sky. Right now it is blue, with patchy clouds. I’m thinking about how much hope gets invested in spring and summer. There are so many plans dreamed up, so much grass to sprawl out on. Whenever I stand up though, I catch sight of the ground and the snow. It brings me back down to earth. I wonder how much longer I will be sitting in this strange ice age, where things still don’t make much sense. ♦

Yeah it’s my fault her diary is up late. It is there now though and it is a great one.

o-girlApril 3rd, 20138:06 PM

Britney! I understand how you feel, almost exactly! I don’t know if you used to be frightened by the idea of outer space, but when I was younger I was terrified by it. Everything was so big and I was so small and it was terrifying. Then I began to think about it and it became amazing. Everyone can do this big thing, but it’s only big for them. Only big for four billion people, but if you think about it all, maybe four billion people isn’t that much.

UM, I’m kinda worried about the amazing Ruby, where has she gone?

Suzie QApril 3rd, 20138:08 PM

@Katherine Satan-loving boys are the best <3 And as for Samantha Jones, she is my spirit animal

lydiameridaApril 3rd, 20138:37 PM

@Katherine
The RuPaul thing reminded me of the Princess Diaries (the books are actually really really good) when Mia’s new English teacher tells her that she needs to stop referencing pop culture in her writing, and Mia feels really oppressed because she wants to be a writer when she grows up and stuff.
And I totally get the whole Christ-y boys dilemma. I go to a Catholic school (ugh) and it feels like literally all the boys are named either Gabriel or John. Especially the cute ones. *sigh*

abby111039April 3rd, 20138:37 PM

Britney’s post just described MY ENTIRE LIFE right now. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately, and I didn’t know how to put it in to words, but you pretty much did it for me. :P

LucyApril 3rd, 20138:40 PM

I miss Chris. Her diaries are always the best. I she going to be alright?

AnaheedApril 3rd, 20139:02 PM

She’s actually back this week. I’m adding her diary right now.

ErynApril 3rd, 20138:56 PM

Britney I feel like maybe we are on the same wavelength about everything right now?

I have also been thinking a lot about outer space lately. I have these stick-on stars/planets on the wall and ceiling above my bed, which both reminds me of my insignificance and makes me feel like I have my own private universe.

I love everything you had to say <3 <3 <3 <3

caro nationApril 3rd, 20139:33 PM

Rubes, you are a writer. You are a fucking WRITER. You just get it. I hope we meet one day.

-alexandra-April 3rd, 201311:11 PM

You are a writer, Chris. It seems like it’s in your bones.

JuliaApril 4th, 20138:52 AM

trufax!!!

Tavi GevinsonApril 3rd, 20139:48 PM

Love you so much, Chris.

strawberryhairApril 4th, 201310:29 AM

Times a million from everyone <3

o-girlApril 3rd, 20139:54 PM

I don’t know what to say to you, Chris. . . That piece was ridiculously good and you are a ridiculously good person. Thank you for helping me understand a little more. Also, thank god you have Zach, who is obviously the best.

o-girlApril 3rd, 20139:55 PM

As girl up there said, I hope we meet one day.

gr-assApril 3rd, 20139:58 PM

love you chris, you’re amazing and everyone on rookie will always care for you and support you-don’t forget that. love you and your diaries. xoxox

fox in the snowApril 3rd, 201310:11 PM

Chris,
I was in a specialized hospital like yours for attempted suicide in January for about 3 and ½ days. similar rules, although I couldn’t wear a bra with a wire, and had to wear a sports bra instead*. The rules were a lot stricter and rigid. I spent the first day crying about wanting to go home. i barely saw my doctors, and never even met with my assigned social worker during my stay. Another doctor(not my assigned one) found me crying and at the middle of the second day and basically told me to fake being better so i could leave. i had 2 roommates, one in for homicidal threats and the other for hearing voices(she justified this as being a ghost in her home that her whole family heard). your hospital sounds a lot better than mine was. the whole place wasn’t insulated properly, and being january and chicago, the nights were freezing. My meals were always screwed up because I am a vegetarian. I wish you the best of luck in recovering from this. if rookie had a pen pals thing, i would totally send you a letter filled with rainbows and sparkles to take instead of having to take lots of medications for everything.
feel better,
maxie

*That was quite disastrous for a girl with the bra size 32 DDD (E).

Julia MarieApril 3rd, 201310:22 PM

Chris: stay strong, stay brave and know that you are loved.

-alexandra-April 3rd, 201311:10 PM

Chris, your entry was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read here on Rookie. Thank you for taking the time to create such a personal, well-written piece and share it with us. Although we don’t know each other, through your diaries I feel as if I know you, so I’m sending you love, always.

angusyoung4evaApril 3rd, 201311:11 PM

Katherine, I wish we could be friends, you sound so rad! And it’s okay, Satan-y boys are on the way, don’t worry! :D

NomiApril 3rd, 201311:19 PM

I’m glad to see you’re feeling better Chris! I was in a hospital for depression for a while and it wasnt fun.

ClareApril 3rd, 201311:26 PM

I love you Chris. I hope things start getting a lot better for you. Like in the Simpsons, “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”? Well I hope everything’s coming up Chris.

And Katherine, your diaries are so smart and funny, I smile every time. I hope you get into a new college, and I hope you enjoy it!

HecticglowApril 3rd, 201311:49 PM

Chris I am so glad you are back and on the way to getting better. Just know that all of us rookies care about you:)

rhymeswithorangeApril 4th, 20131:10 AM

CHRIS! You are so brave!
And Katherine, I was waitlisted by not one but TWO colleges (my top choices, of course), so I’ll be waiting until May for college mail with you <3

JasmineApril 4th, 20133:22 AM

Naomi: LITERALLY. ME. AGHHHHHH WTF THIS IS GETTING WEIRD x

Chris: Beautiful writing, as always, and I really hope that you’re feeling better. Much love from all of us rookies ! xxxxxx

strawberryhairApril 4th, 20134:36 AM

Love you, Chris. Hope you get better soon <3 xxxxxxxxxxx

Esme BlegvadApril 4th, 20135:57 AM

Chris.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

eremiomaniaApril 4th, 20136:16 AM

Chris you are so amazing. I hope you’re happy. Your entry reminded me of It’s Kind of a Funny Story. But wow. I love you! For a while I thought there was a mix-up and your entry was fictional. I just think you’re so great, I wouldn’t have the courage to write something so personal. You’re amazing.

catpower44April 4th, 20139:10 AM

It reminded me of that too. I just finished that book. Chris, I think you’re an amazing writer and I really hope you get better soon. Love from Canada. ♥ ♥ ♥

ivoireApril 4th, 20137:50 AM

I am happy and sad for you chris. You are a really good writer and a strong person. I am glad you’re leaving hospital and everything. Love you,

Emma StraubApril 4th, 20138:41 AM

Chris, this is an incredible piece of writing, and you are an incredible girl. Sending you lots of love. xooxoxoxox

Annie at Cher AmiApril 4th, 20132:09 PM

Chris your diary was the one of the best things ever, you write so well and with such poignancy (if there is such a word), and I give you lots of love and wishes from Britain!xxxxx

CharlotteeeeeApril 4th, 20134:08 PM

Hey Chris,
I just wanted to say that A) being in the hospital sucks… it really, really, really sucks. I’ve been there twice in the past two years (anorexia and hearing voices), fun times. No but seriously you deserve to have a much happier, better teenagedom than the world/god/whatever/whoever(?) has given you. Also your diaries are so chillingly honest but still in a really weird way awesome (I guess because you have some real writin’ talent gurl) and I hope you will be doing better soon!!
P.S. If you are in Childrens Hospital right now (I guesses that because of the way you described the rooms) when you get an on grounds pass totally go down to the basement because it is perfect and creepy and there are these little electronic buses which drive around…

babyybatApril 4th, 20136:46 PM

CHRIS. I missed your diaries sooo much! I’m so glad your back!!

barbroxursoxApril 4th, 20138:30 PM

Omg Katherine you are literally me (except a year older). I wish satan-loving boys went to my school :( Oh well, I’m leaving my school after this year, so hopefully things will change!

minnowApril 5th, 20135:25 AM

Chris – that was so fantastic of you to write this experience, and to make it so moving. Thanks for being brave enough to share! xxx

Also, Naomi, I really appreciate your entries at the moment. I’m constantly finding myself reflecting over everything right now, and always find myself thinking about a certain stupid boy (what a surprise), who I wish I could ignore and forget. I’ve often thought why him? considering all he’s done to me, and always come to your conclusion that there is no reason, it just is. It’s not something you can definitively ‘get over’ and sometimes remembering and nostalgia is like a punch in the gut. Looking forward is the right thing to do though!! xxx

GraciexxApril 5th, 20135:34 PM

My love (and probably all of Rookie’s too) to Mancala, Zach the Boyfriend (he sounds amazing, hope he’s really as great as he comes across as ’cause if he is you’ve got someone special girl) and especially you Chris.

You don’t owe anything to anyone other than yourself and no one can tell you want you want, because no one knows you better than yourself. Trust your heart, carry your head proudly and remember that whatever happens we will always love you.