Dear Abby: Woman weighs adopting troubled girl

ABIGAIL VAN BUREN

Friday

May 24, 2013 at 6:02 PM

Dear Abby: Some time ago, my husband and I became foster parents to a little girl who had been seriously abused.

After we had cared for her only seven months, she was returned to her parents. Shortly after that, the mom signed guardianship over to the grandmother and now the grandmother is considering putting the child back into the system. This is a girl with "difficult" issues.

Although I deeply loved her, the time she was with us was very challenging and hard.

Do I sign up for a life filled with uncertainty and give this child a shot at stability?

Or do I pray that she will find the perfect home to meet all her needs? - Uncertain About the Future

Dear Uncertain: Only you can decide about whether you are up to the challenge of trying to fix this damaged girl.

There are no guarantees, and it is no disgrace to admit this is more than you feel you can manage.

However, if you feel that you and your husband can make a difference, it is important that you know you won't be alone in trying to handle her emotional issues.

In this country, support systems for children are better than they are for adults. Your county mental health department can guide you, and if there are medical schools nearby, they may sponsor programs to train young psychiatrists who can also help you.

Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married for 18 years.

Our marriage has had its ups and downs.

Last year we separated for eight months. We decided to stay married and are now again living together.

I found out not long ago that he slept with my daughter's best friend.

I am horrified that he'd do such a thing, because as a teenager she would hang out at our home. I feel that what he did should have never happened.

Although I would like to think our marriage can be repaired, I still have my doubts.

Should I feel this way or let the past stay in the past? - Looking For Answers in Oklahoma

Dear Looking For Answers: Not every woman would forgive an affair that seems this uncomfortably "incestuous."

A counselor may be able to help you sort out your feelings, and joint marriage counseling should definitely be considered before you make up your mind.

Dear Abby: What is a man's ethical responsibility when he hears of a crime in group therapy?

While attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I heard a man confess that he had dropped a cinder block on a boy's head when he was 12. The man was never arrested for the crime. I can't stop thinking about the boy who was his victim. Should I tell the police? - Somewhere in the South

Dear Somewhere: It is the group leader's responsibility to contact the authorities if a group member is a danger to himself or others.

Because this has been preying on your mind, you should talk with the group leader about the matter.

Dear Abby: My mother-in-law picks her nose in front of others by covering her finger with a tissue and then digging deep into her nose.

She claims this is acceptable behavior even though the rest of us are grossed out. She refuses to stop unless somebody like you tells her otherwise.

Please help with this.

I have a 7-year-old daughter who sees her, and I don't want her to think this is proper behavior in public. - Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out: It's one thing to use a tissue for a gentle nose-blow, and quite another to use it as camouflage for a major excavation.

That your MIL is grossing out those around her should be evidence enough that what she's doing is bad manners. It is showing lack of consideration for those around her.

Dear Abby: Please settle a family disagreement.

A scratch ticket is given to a friend or relative as a gift. If that ticket is a winner, is there an expectation that the winnings should be shared with the person who gave the ticket? - Jeff in Massachusetts

Dear Jeff: A gift is a gift. There is no obligation to share. Alexander Pope wrote, "Hope springs eternal in the human breast," but if you are hoping you'll get a cut of the money, don't hold your breath.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.