After I found some evidence of WH's A last week, I messaged the OW on facebook asking what was going on. She said she was very sorry, that it only happened once (physically) about 3-4 years ago and that she would never let herself do it again. She said that her xH cheated on her and she knows how it feels and that she is so very sorry. She has since been talking to my WH off and on ever since, sending nude pictures, talking dirty, etc. I just find it so hard to believe that she is really sorry for what she did or if she's only sorry because they got caught.

Has anyone else felt this way? Have you ever been told sorry by the OW/OM and KNOWN they really meant it?

No one can make a blanket statement one way or the other. Some will be truly sorry while others dont give a damn or think what they did was justified.

Remember all the OP knows of you is what your WS told them. Chances are they think we are cold or abusive or some such. Lies told for affair purposes. No basis in fact.

So IMO some probably are genuinely sorry.

In my case that is not so however.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007

Lark♀ 43773Member # 43773

Posted: 4:54 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

She was so sorry she continued an emotional affair?

My husband and the OW were quite guilty during hte affair. OW2 stopped midsex to say how sexual intercourse was wrong - they had been having oral sex for weeks and continued oral sex afterwards OW1 passionately said how wrong it was what they were doing in between groping and kissing as she first asked my husband to have sex with her. He agreed how awful it was what they were doing.

That was their turn on.

That was how they consoled themselves that they recognized what they were doing was wrong - I mean, anybody who has any sort of conscious knows it's wrong, so it'd kind of indicate what at otal ass you are if you don't have any sense of acknowledgement.

It's part of the ego-stroking, back patting. THey're both so wrong, they are so sorry, they're such bad people. All about them them them them them. And then the other AP comforts them, or they get to be "the same" together.

So yeah, sure they might be truly sorry. Does it mean anything? no.

Both OW apologized ot me after the affair was outed. Nevermind that they knew he was married, knew we have kids. Knew it would devastate me. Knew that they were guaranteeing our kids to 50% time with their father for the next 16 years. Knew they were destroying our family. Knew that they were acting against me, not just against their own husbands/boyfriends.

Apologies are just assuaging their own guilt. I mean hell, they apologized right? They're not so awful of people.

One day maybe they'll actually "get it." And on that day I dont' want ot hear sorry. I want them to direct it inwards, hate and despise themselves in a way that they'll actually do something about it instead of just pitying themselves.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 1599 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California

Lark♀ 43773Member # 43773

Posted: 4:57 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

Oh and I'd also be super hesitant to believe anything either of them say about the affair.

When OW1's husband found out, she emailed MY husband to let him know the exact details she'd told her husband so he could tell the BH the same story. 6 months later her husband still thinks it was just months of chatting and sex ONE time and no contact after he found out.

I know it was sex every night she was scheduled to work. So dozens of times. Thousands of messages each month. And it continued for 5 months following their "breakup."

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 1599 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California

Girlietoo♀ 38719Member # 38719

Posted: 5:12 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

In my case, yes. She was a very naive young woman who, while she knew full well what she was doing was wrong, did feel immediate regret and remorse. I have no doubt about this and believe whole heartedly that she will never do anything like this again.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 259 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada

Chinadoll30♀ 43131Member # 43131

Posted: 5:47 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

No, I do not believe the OW is sorry, though her BH says she is. She is sorry they got caught. She wanted to continue it, and tried to even after her H found out. I know she is doing the 12 steps and I wonder if I will get an amends letter. My guess is probably not.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 366 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia

3yrwait♂ 29907Member # 29907

Posted: 6:08 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

OM apologized to me then continued to stay in touch with fWW. But you know what? He really doesn't matter. What matters is if the wayward is truly sorry.

When I first found out and called the OM, he basically had the belief that my wife was her own person and could do what she wanted. He told me no one owns another person and that I don't own her.

Lucky man he was since I was never able to meet up with him in person.

Posts: 4987 | Registered: Jun 2002

lovehonorcherish♀ 41843Member # 41843

Posted: 6:17 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

Nope...not in my specific case anyway. Not only did she participate in the destruction of my marriage but she added insult to injury by moving into my home, using my things, sitting on my furniture, sleeping (and f**king my stbxh) in my bed. And he has allowed and encouraged it. No sorrow there

I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US

Lovedyoumore♀ 35593Member # 35593

Posted: 6:19 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

No. She knew me, knew who I am, met my children and grandchildren, and she was entertained in my home. My H may have told her some lies about me, but he was not her sole source of info about me.

I know she is not sorry because she sent an email to several people, after DDay, that we were copied on saying she was not sorry for her choices or anything on her life journey. Her sociopathic personality would never admit a mistake, ever. Her life is just a journey and she embraces all of its twists and turns.

The OW just completed her ordination as a minister. You might think it would include making amends with those she hurt in the last few years or made some action of repentance. Nope.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1767 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart

MammaMia♀ 34030Member # 34030

Posted: 6:27 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

This is a two-way answer.
I believe that

1) if the OP did not know the spouse existed, they may be sorry. Some of them are and some aren't. The ones who leave the relationship as soon as they find out, are the ones who are sorry. If , after finding out that there is a spouse or significant other, they still continue the relationship, then NO way are they sorry.

and

2) if the AP knows a spouse or SO exists and they enter into the relationship, there is NO WAY on earth they are sorry or that they will ever be. If they say they are, it is bs in my book.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 891 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South

ShellyShell♀ 42662Member # 42662

Posted: 6:50 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

Mine wasn't. She said she was, then proceeded to tell me everything deatil she could to hurt me, tell me I was stupid for staying with WH and all I cared about was appearances. She also called me frigid. She's a real peach. LOL

I do think it possible for a OW/OM to be truly sorry. usually it's the ones who didn't know about you when it started, or the ones who figure out they were told lies and then immediately end it. But most of them aren't sorry enough to actually stop, so how sorry can they really be?

I find most of them subscribe to the "you must not be doing something right if he's here with me so it's not my fault I'm better for him than you" school of thought. LOL. That or the "this is what I want so screw her" mentality.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2014

determinata42124Member # 42124

Posted: 7:24 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

Some AP are sorry and most, in my opinion are not. The apologies are largely a matter of ass coverage. It's really hard to carry on an affair with a married or committed person and those who decide to do it generally have made up that their minds that the inconvenience and possible collateral damage are worth it.

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City

somanyyears♂ 26970Member # 26970

Posted: 7:31 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

..i'm guessing some are truly sorry..

and some are not sorry at all..

and of course, some are just sorry....that they got caught!

I'm willing to bet the 'OM' in our case, is SORRY he's "DEAD!"

.. smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 8:25 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!

Posts: 4198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs

RomanticInnocenc♀ 43041Member # 43041

Posted: 8:31 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

I think AP #1 felt bad, I wouldn't necessarily say she felt sorry. She began the whole thing 5 years ago, knowing he had a gf. Yet she was the one that asked him if he wanted to see where things went. He was never actually attracted to her, she was just a new way to get off like a new sex toy to pick up when he was bored and put down again when he was done. Fast forward to last December when WH was pushing for more attention from her because he wasn't getting it from ap # 3,they had a teary conversation in which she said she couldn't do it any more, that she felt bad. Dunno know why it took to just before my giving birth for her to grow a conscience.

Ap #2 isn't sorry, despite her writing the words when I confronted her via fb messenger after I found out that not only was she his confidant during both of his affairs but she also sent him naked photos of herself both times. Her sorry was surrounded by her saying she's never known anyone as insecure as me (not that she knows me at all) and that yes she liked the attention, daddy didn't give her much and her step mum was a Bitch to her. She was unable to get why her sorry wasn't good enough.

Ap #3 won't even admit she's done anything wrong. Apparently my husband is a cheating scum bag but she's mother Theresa because she was single at the time. Which I believe to be a lie. She was nothing but defensive about the affair, and she didn't even realise I was listening to the conversation.

I believe some ap can become sorry. But it takes time and a willingness to face your own crap. I think that mostly only happens when they have the after affair shit storm going on in their own home and are honestly remorseful for what they have done to their partners. My WH hasn't gotten to feeling sorry for his part in the possibility of destroying the relationships and families of his ad's but I'm hoping when he can take a step back from fixing himself and our marriage he will be able to come to that place.

If she's continued to be in contact with your WH and is sending nudies......she ain't sorry for nothin'.
She was shining you on and telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get off of the phone from you as quickly as possible.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8438 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

TrustedHer♂ 23328Member # 23328

Posted: 8:59 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

I think it doesn't matter.

If they didn't know, they're victims, too.

If they did, they're lowlifes. Cheaters. Liars.

Fuck them.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX

shatteredheart12♀ 43567Member # 43567

Posted: 9:14 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

Not at all, and neither am I for being the one he was cheating on her with!

She posted a pic of WH and her son on fb and dd saw it, sent her a very nasty message privately on fb, as for the pic....2 years later it is still there and from what her daughter's ex told us, plans to leave it there to piss me off. Funny thing though, it is just proof of just how screwed up she truly is

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2014

Ginny♀ 43196Member # 43196

Posted: 9:15 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014

My fwh's COW was going to send me a card to tell me she was sorry.

She knew us for 18 years. I recommended her for the job. I worked with her daughter for 6 years in extracurricular activities. Yet she felt compelled to tell fwh she had feelings for him and just "had to tell him". Oh yeah, she tried to get him fired after I caught them and he then dropped her as we tried to reconcile.

She's "sorry" all right. (I'm not blaming her for everything. My fwh jumped all in. I just wish she had to suffer one-tenth of what I have suffered the last 9 months.

Affair season started today. It was one year today that I thought it was so weird she was pumping me for information on fwh's foo. I wish I had listened to my gut. She confessed her feeling to him shortly thereafter and used info I had shared with her to get closer to him.

I will have to say yes, some are. My WH is the AP for the OW, and he has sincerely apologized to OW's husband on several occasions...and I believe he is truly sorry. OW has given me "I didn't mean to hurt you" line, but I don't think she has reached sincere remorse yet. I do hope that will happen one day, but it will not affect my healing or moving foward.