Post navigation

Go To Hell, Jesus

Seriously, if I was a Christian, I’d tell Jesus to go fly a kite. You don’t go and get yourself killed by the Romans, just to come back three days later and float around, leaving all of the world wondering what’s going on. That’s just not cool.

Party on, Jesus

Jesus could have left a bunch of tablets buried in different sites that he ordered no one to look at until the dates shown. There could be people guarding the burial sites that just keep replenishing their masses as they died off from old age and the pox. (I mean really, his followers would lay there and starve to death, as long as Jesus had told them to.) Then, when the dates came around they would have to dig up the corresponding tablet, and read the inscription. The keepers of the tablets will have been anointed by Jesus, and it could be well known that their words are to be adhered by all Christians, for all of eternity. (Jesus knew Atheism and Agnosticism would be rampant throughout our society, but because of the wine and whores he was doubting the existence of his father himself.)

The inscriptions on the tablets could say things like:

1094 Nov 27

In exactly one year, the Pope is going to sign off on the Crusades. Take this tablet to him and read this next part aloud in front of an audience before he does.

“I am Jesus. I do not authorize the Crusades, or any other holy war. You guys need to chillax down there, because I lost the holy land to Mohammed in a dice game up here in Heaven. The cool part is that I’ve learned a lot about Hinduism, and I’m actually thinking of converting. LMFAO, I’m just kidding. I wrote this just before I died. OMG, you should have seen your face when I said that, Urban; you are such a pompous asshole. Alrighty then, I gotsta go now”

Love you all,

Jesus

P.S. Quit molesting kids, that shit is getting out of hand.

1477 Nov 1 You’ve got a year to make it to Rome. Next October 31 I want you to go and read the following inscription to Pope Sixtus IV:

“Don’t you fucking dare publish that. If you do, it’s going to start something you don’t want to finish. There is no reason for a church to need military power anyways, have you forgotten about the peace and love? What you need to do is go out and smoke a big gagger, and get yourself laid. I mean by an adult, dummy. Why don’t you bitches listen when I say to leave the kids alone. They are all my children, and I don’t need them all fucked up for the rest of their lives. Go out and get with some other dude or lady that’s old enough to know if they want to bang dirty old men. Someone should write some shit in that New Testament about you assholes needing to be able to marry. This is completely not a cool way to live. Alright, peace, and I’m Audi 5000.”

Love you all, but not as much as I used to,

Jesus

1887 Apr 20

In exactly two years, the Hitlers are going to have a little baby boy. They will name him Adolph. Steal him, and send him to Brandon, Manitoba, and make sure he’s raised in a loving and warm family, preferably on a farm. Tell them that he is never to be left alone with ants and a magnifying glass, or anything like that, and teach him that everybody is equal (except for the people in Greenland). Remember how I was right about the Crusades? Just listen to me, I am Jesus.

I kind of still love you all, but you people are wearing on my nerves,

Jesus

2012 Apr 6

I know that you don’t even believe in me anymore, and you are busy playing with your new Nexus, because it’s a super cool phone, but I need you to go to a computer and type this into Twitter, no wait, it’s kind of long, better use Google+. If you don’t have very many people in your circles, you need to find one of the big curators on there, and tell him I told you to put this up. Shit, no one there is going to believe it, they are way too smart and free thinking. Okay, maybe do up a big spam email letter, but don’t make it look like spam. No, wait, you need to find one of those guys that put the virus videos and Costco or Walmart gift card scams on Facebook, and get them to do one up for this message. The idiots on there eat that shit up. I’ve never seen such a huge number of sheeple in one forum in all my years of being a prophet. It’s so pathetic, it’s funny. Anyhow, these are the words I want you to type:

“DO NOT VOTE IN A FUCKING REPUBLICAN, YOU IDIOTS. They are not doing things in my name, and furthermore, they are very harmful to your freedom. You sons of bitches have disappointed me at every turn, and this is my last warning to you. After this, I’m done with the lot of you.”

Thanks, bro. Don’t you love the panoramic photos you can take with that phone? It looks so damn sweet. Take care,

Google+ Comments

6 thoughts on “Go To Hell, Jesus”

Too funny.
Actually since I wrote my post I’ve been thinking about this more, and something you said makes me think you might agree.
A man that hangs around with a bunch of prostitutes and bearded men who worship him – do you think he was gay ?

You made me laugh out loud Birdman. I’m just catching up on old e-mails, hence reading this so late. Your post was right on. have you watched Re ligulous by Bill Maher. He really opened my eyes up and you have made them, wide-open!
Thanks for that.