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Shameless (U.S. TV series)

American television comedy-drama series

Shameless (2011–) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves.

Veronica: Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.

Fiona: I never saw that.

Veronica: Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.

Veronica: What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.

Carl: It can be both if you want.

Doctor: Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?

Frank: Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.

Doctor: Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.

Frank: Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. So they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole. There's no good way to sit. No underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die.

Frank: The hell? You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.

Cashier: $35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Kermit: Is Frank here?

Fiona: Only when there's a check coming. Who are you?

Kermit: I'm his friend Kermit.

Fiona: Frank doesn't have any friends. Only people he hasn't pissed off yet.

Linda: [shows her husband the security tape] Does anything look different to you?

Kash: No.

Linda: You don't see the camera? It's like it moved just a little bit. There.

Kash: Register matches inventory.

Linda: Yeah, you're right. I should probably shut it off. But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy. Here it is. Billy Elliot cornholing the father of my children. Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face.

Frank: Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.

Steve: Your sister's driving me crazy. I don't know what it's gonna take for her to trust me. Again.

Lip: Can you blame her? You know, you have a whole other family. First, your name was Steve, then Jimmy. You know, you disappear to Brazil. Come back married. You know, it's kind of a tough way to build up trust.

Fiona: [about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.

Veronica: Isn't that his choice?

Fiona: Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Veronica: [about Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.

Kev: She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.

Cheryl: [on Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!

Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?

Debbie: What's a dildo?

Beto: [on Estefania] You married her before God, no?

Jimmy: No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.

Judge: Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?

Fiona: We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Fiona: You know what I want? Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean. I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Teaching Assistant: You danced around and you tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.

Lip: Oh, original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage? Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.

Teaching Assistant: Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together. You thought nobody would notice, but I noticed. Why are you taking this class anyway?

Lip: Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.

Teaching Assistant: Well, look, you got another week to add/drop before you're stuck in here, all right? You don't want to work any harder than this piece of shit, I suggest you find yourself another course.

Kev: Hey! What the fuck man! He's dead!

Ward receptionist: Which one?

Kev: Stan! Stan Kopchek!

Ward receptionist: Sorry for your loss. You family?

Kev: No. Yeah. Sort of.

Ward receptionist: Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people over the phone when a patient dies, so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.

Lawyer: Uh, I, Stanley Winston Kopchek, being of sound mind and body, leave to my sniveling, faggoty, fag of a fagorama daughter by the name of Alan Willard Kopchek my gun collection, in the hopes that she'll kill herself before she chugs another AIDS cock.

Kev: Stan, you son of a bitch, you taught me that a man isn't a man unless he's loved a woman, eaten the heart out of a live goat, or ripped a German soldier's face off. One out of three ain't bad.

Mickey: You run a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?

Kevin: Not everyone's a thug.

Gay club bartender: You think you're the first one to come in here boo-hooing about some cocktail slut who jacked you off in the bathroom, told you it was true love, and then disappeared? Trust me. You're not. So why don't you buy yourself a drink and fall in love with somebody else?

[Ian has brought to Mickey to an upscale single-men-meeting-single-men party in downtown Chicago]

Ian: Hey, this is Mickey.

Host: Delighted to meet you. Uh, could I get either of you a cocktail?

Mickey: Yeah, you got beer?

Host: I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.

Mickey: How about beer?

Host: Right. Could I be any more of a fag? One beer coming up. Ian?

Ian: Let's see what you got.

Guest: You're new. Hi.

Mickey: Hey.

Guest:You here with Ian?

Mickey: Yeah.

Guest: He's great. So what do you do for living?

Mickey: I run a business.

Guest: What kind of business?

Mickey: Hospitality.

Guest: Oh, nice. What realm?

Mickey: I'm a pimp.

Guest: Wait, you're serious? That's incredible. My dissertation is on transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations. You got a card?

[Frank and Carl are in a meeting with all the boys Carl has assaulted and their parents and the school principal]

Principal Ramirez: Frankly, Mr. Gallagher, your son's behavior has been among the most egregious I've seen at this school, and I've been here a long time. Don't look a day over 90. He terrorizes these students to the point that they move through my halls in fear. School should not be a palace of terror. It should be a temple of learning. If children do not feel safe, how can they learn?

Boy: They can't.

Carl: She's asking me, Chipwich.

Principal Ramirez:The only way to get through to Carl is have him face the truth of what he's done and let him absorb it in a meaningful way. Do that, okay? He can't just do it. He needs to actively engage. Got any suggestions?

Boy: Yeah.

Principal Ramirez: He should apologize to my kid and every other kid here. Individually. Like he means it.

Frank: Oh, spare us the Wiener act. Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem. It teaches kids resilience. The world is a rough place. Bullying is like getting inoculated. It's a vaccine. And you little shit, you got to learn to stay away from people like my son. That's what you learn when you get punched in the face by a bully. How do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great? Bullies. And I guarantee Junior here will be getting the hottest chicks when he's 30 because he got bullied today. You want your kid to peak now? My kid will be picking up roadside garbage in an orange jumpsuit in ten years. Your kid will be in med school curing cancer and getting laid. You're welcome.

Carl: What if I want to cure cancer?

Frank: Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea from your cell mate. Spoken with love, son.

Principal Ramirez: And so what have we learned?

Carl: [With a big smile] Bullying is bad for society. It hurts people and makes them feel bad. It must be stopped.

Amanda: No, no clean up. In fact, wear that shirt with all the "fucks" on it. My parents started me on violin lessons when I was three. SAT prep when I was 12. I'm a walking stereotype. For Christ sakes, I'm a math major.

Lip: You know, you-- you could do a lot worse than parents that give a shit.

Amanda: No, it's time my mom and dad know that I'm not gonna be programmed for med school like my older sister. I need to scare the living shit out of them.

Mickey: My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something. Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fucking load in her.

Man in car: Boys. Ride around the block?

Mickey: We look like a couple fags for sale to you?

Man in car: Yes.

Mickey: Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shopping.

Man in car: You're in Boystown, outside a bar called The Fairy Tail.

Mickey: Why don't you fuck off before I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist? [Mickey picks up a bottle, man drives off and Mickey throws it at the driver] Yeah, get going, you fucking fruit! Thinks he can buy whatever he wants 'cause he's got a fucking Rolex and an S-class. That shit happen to you a lot?

Ian: Every night.

Mickey: From rich dudes?

Ian: Gotta get to work.

...

Amanda: You have an econ quiz in two hours.

Lip: Uh, right, you know, about that, I-I couldn't help but notice the schedule.

Amanda: I made it for you.

Lip: Yeah, no, I thought it might have been you, and you broke it down into five-minute segments. I mean, who schedules something for 12:55?

Amanda: So you can better manage your time.

Lip: Right, but you even put in preset bathroom breaks.

Amanda: I synced it to your new phone.

Lip: You got me a new phone?

Amanda: You're welcome.

Lip: Thank you. But seriously, this-- this schedule, it's just-- it's-- it's not me, okay? I'm not used to having my dumps planned out in advance. You know, it's-- I can't-- I can't regiment my life like that, all right?

Amanda: That's why I'm doing it for you.

Lip: Okay, I guess I'm just more of a, uh, fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.

Amanda: How's that working out for you?

Lip: How 'bout a quick BJ then?

Amanda: BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes.

...

[Kenyatta walks up to Mickey walking down the street from Mickey's house]

Kenyatta: Hey!

Mickey: What do you want?

Kenyatta: Mandy, she here last night?

Mickey: She wasn't with you?

Kenyatta: No, I was at work. I kept calling the house, no answer. Then I call her cell, she say she's at home. She with Lip?

Mickey: You just keep putting two and two together, huh? Hey, good for you, Einstein.

Kenyatta: He in this motherfucker?

Mickey: Nah, asshole's at college. It's a big place, lots of buildings. People go there to learn. Don't worry about it.

Kenyatta: Man, where at?

Mickey: West Maxwell. Hey, you planning on giving a beat down to every guy Mandy's been with? Your arms are gonna get fucking tired.

...

[Carl has just spraypainted "PRINCIPAL RAMIREZ IS CARL GALLAGERS (sic) BITCH" on the school lockers]

Principal Ramirez: What are you doing?

Carl: Stating the obvious.

Principal Ramirez: You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.

Carl: Cool.

Principal Ramirez: You know, you misspelled your last name.

Lip: [To an unnamed fellow student] Engels, a genius? More like Marx's glorified butt buddy. [Gets text message from Amanda: "Big scary black man coming for you" Lip sees Kenyatta in the distance who has spotted him] Shit. Shit, hold this. [Hands cigarette to student and starts running to main building, hides under table, and Kenyatta pulls him out by legs]

[Campus security has pulled both Lip and Kenyatta apart] Let's see some ID. Both of you. You go to school here?

Lip: Look, I don't-- I don't know him, officers, okay? You know, he just-- he asked if I wanted to buy any crack, and when I said no...

Kenyatta: Fuck you! [Kenyatta lunges for Lip only to be tased by security]

Carl: I shot a Mac-10 before. But never one of those.

Bonnie: It's fake.

Carl: Looks real.

Bonnie: Need it to if we're gonna get the guy behind the counter to give us all the money in the register. You don't have to. I can do it alone.

Carl: No, I can do it.

Bonnie: Sure you're ready to pop your armed robbery cherry?

Carl: Yeah, I've done it lots of times before.

Bonnie: You're cute. Black or camo? [Holds up balaclavas]

...

HR secretary: How you holding up?

Fiona: I've been better. I was wondering if, uh, instead of being fired for misconduct, you could make it so that I was downsized? I don't-- I wouldn't ask if I had any other options.

HR secretary: Let me see what I can do. [Mike's sister walks up to Fiona]

Mike's sister: You have a hell of a lot of nerve. You know, I-I-I withheld judgment when my brother brought you home. I said to myself, "She can't help where she came from, how she was raised, who her parents are." My mom and dad invited you into their home. They let you sit at their table with our family, and in return you destroyed Mike. All of us. And now you come here and you ask if we will lie for you to the federal government. You think that you're a good person. You're not. Destroy your own family. And leave mine alone. [Fiona walks away looking fatalistic]

Carl: We could drop him off at the butcher over at the Food 4 Less, see if they'll chop him up for bacon.

Bonnie: We having bacon for breakfast?

Carl: Nah, we're eating Chuckie.

Bonnie: Oh, cool.

Lip: She's sleeping with you now?

Carl: Your girlfriend sleeps with you.

Lip: Yeah, Amanda's 20, not 12.

Carl: Bonnie's 13.

Lip: I still don't want her sleeping with you.

Carl: She doesn't want to have sex, something about her mom's old boyfriend and a biker gang.

Svetlana: So you are Rainbow Boy now?

Mickey: The fuck you do to your hair?

Svetlana: You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?

Mickey: I look shitty in pink.

[Svetlana opens bathrobe to reveal a strap-on dildo]

Mickey: What the fuck?

Svetlana: You like the penis, yes?

Mickey: Not when there's tits directly above it.

Svetlana: You want it up in your poop place?

Mickey: No, I don't-- I want you-- fucking-- I want you to put it away. Can you put that away? Put that fucking thing away, please? Thank you.

Svetlana: You love him?

Mickey: Maybe. I don't know.

Svetlana: Because he has a real penis?

Mickey: Yeah, I guess.

Svetlana: I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick. Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penis is staring at you, hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America-- it's land of choices, yes? Freedom to be me. Freedom to be you. McDonald's, Burger King on same block. You choose. One, both. Shit, maybe we go to Wendy's instead.

Mickey: Hold-- you're a lesbian?

Svetlana: Maybe yes, maybe no.

Sammi:You fuck with the bull, you get an ass full of horns!

...

Sammi:This is America, and in this country, people have a right to see their families.

[Lip and Amanda are eating at a breakfast diner late at night with Amanda's sorority and their dates after a ritual]

Amanda: That wasn't so bad, was it?

Lip: Uh, no, the chanting part was kind of creepy. But hey, I look good in a suit, right? You know, I figured it was gonna be more wild toga party than coven.

Amanda:Well, we're a bunch of engineering majors. Our parties usually consist of us watching Big Bang reruns and bleaching each other's mustaches.

Frank: [announcing to the rising sun on a sandspit on Lake Michigan on the Chicago waterfront] That all you got? That's it? I'm still here, you fucker! Frank Gallagher! I'm alive! You see me? You see me standing here? [Chuckle] You lost, asshole! I'm alive, motherfucker! Me, Frank Gallagher! Alive. Alive.

Sammi: A goddamn nightmare. Why does everybody wait till the last minute to buy their damn sparklers? Like they don't know the holiday's coming. Seasonal retail is the pits.

Frank: You look exhausted.

Sammi: I'm not used to having people yell at me all day long. [Shouts] Chuckie! Go to bed!

Frank: Come on.

Sammi: [Sighs] I don't have anyone to talk to. Sheila hates me. Fiona ignores me. All those jerks at the Alibi just want to bang and bolt. Oh, they're... they're awful. [Cries]

Frank: You need a good man.

Sammi: I do. But there's none left.

Frank: Hey.

Frank: You know what? I have this friend. I think you two might really hit it off.

Sammi: N-no. No more.

Frank: I'm telling you, this guy is different.

Sammi: I need a penis break. I'm this revolving door for chumps. It's not good for me, and it's not good for Chuckie.

Frank: I'm telling you, this fella could be the one. He really knows how to treat a lady.

Sammi: Then why is he single?

Frank: His wife croaked. Poor thing. He has his own business, a late-model Sedan, widescreen TV. He showers regularly. [Laughs] Come on. Why not? Okay. There you go.

Sammi: If you say so.

Frank: That's my girl.

Sammi: Hey, thanks, daddy.

Frank: You bet.

Sammi: You're the best.

Frank: I am.

Blonde Lesbian: Let us know if you hear of anyone nearby struggling to make ends meet or on disability - or headed for incarceration. [Hands Sheila a business card]

Sheila: Oh.

Blonde Lesbian: We'd like to buy as many homes as we can.

Sheila: Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. [To Frank] That was one of the lesbians. [Holds up cheque] Okay, this is earnest money to buy this house, which means they're earnest! It's happening, Frank, whether you like it or not.

Frank: Oh, God. Oh, God. I, Oh, God, I can't, I'm, I'm sorry. I can't. I'm, I'm still too weak. I, What if, I have to stay close to my doctors and my family. Sammi and Chuckie need me, and Sammi is a train wreck. And Fiona and the kids-- I'm their dad. A home is a home, damn it. I died upstairs, and then I came back to life. I was reborn in this house. I'm practically the mayor of this place. Sheils, come on, you can't take that away from me. These few blocks, this neighborhood It's the only thing I've ever had. It's the only thing that's ever meant anything to me. I thought I was the only thing that ever meant anything to you. And you. Of course and you. Yeah, you're my everything. You are my dawn and my dusk. You're the sun. You're the moon. Sheila. Sheila, I'm begging you. Oh, fuck me.

Blonde Lesbian: My wife, Lisa, and I just moved into the house down the street.

Carl: We don't have a car, so, no. [Note:What happened to the Ford Taurus Carl stole with Bonnie in the previous season?]

Blonde Lesbian: Our Range Rover was. All the parking signs on the south side of the street were moved to the north side, and there are heroin needles in the alley and serial rapist flyers. It's like the neighborhood went to shit overnight. You know anything about it?

[Debbie drinks orange juice outside her house front door and then screams to the neighbourhood]

I am a woman!

...

[Fiona is at Gus' place eating out of bowl while standing]

This gumbo is fucking delicious.

Sammi: You're a businessman?

Hanzi: More of a tradesman, actually.

Sammi: Wow. Looks and smarts? Did I get lucky tonight or what? And I like your jacket. It's very classy.

...

Tommy: Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!

Lip: Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday? What? You know, it's the fourth? Of July? It's, you know, America's birthday. It's the birth of democracy. Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass. No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks. This ain't the post office.

Lip: Yeah.

Tommy: No.

Lip: I-I think I tweaked my back.

Tommy: You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?

Lip: No, I just...

Tommy: Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job. So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.

...

Debbie: Um, What's wrong?

Matty: Last night, did we, um.

Debbie: I know. It was wonderful.

Matty: So that did happen?

Debbie: Yeah You don't remember?

Matty:I was, I was plastered.

Debbie: But you had a... Your thing...

Matty: No, Debbie, that's biology. That's not consent. [Sighs]

Debbie: I thought it meant you wanted to.

Matty: Did I say I wanted to? Not exactly. Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay? You date-raped me.

Debbie: We were on a date?

Matty: No, Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself. I could go to jail.

Debbie: I don't understand.

Matty: Friends don't rape friends.

Debbie: I-I didn't mean to rape you. I'm sorry.

[Matty walks away]

Sammi: Look at those socks

Hanzi: Oh.

Sammi: Man with taste. [Chuckles] [Clears throat] Oh, oh, um, listen, look, I-I really like you. You're a true gentleman, and I don't meet many of those, which is... why I want to take things slow.

Hanzi: Huh?

Sammi: I don't want to make the same mistakes that I have with the last 30 or 40 guys I've been with.

Hanzi: By "Take it slow," you mean we can get at it after I finish my water?

Sammi: [Chuckles] Oh. No, no, I mean, you know go out on a few dates, get to know each other better.

Hanzi: But Frank promised you would bone me as soon as we got back to your trailer.

Sammi: What?

...

Sheila: [To Frank in the basement when he's engrossed in his beer still] Frank, I've decided when Ernie comes with the RV to tell him to turn it around and take it back home.

Frank: You're keeping the house?

Sheila: I want to be with you and reaffirm our commitment to our partnership

Frank: Oh, you... Oh, no, no, no, no. Maybe later.

[Sammi comes down to the basement]

Sammi: Hey! You dangled me like a sex carrot to get brewery equipment?

Frank: You were lonely. I was killing two birds with one stone.

Sammi: Well, I--

Sheila: You know, I don't like your tone.

Sammi: He promised that man that I would put out on the first date!

Frank: I've seen you put out after the first drink.

[Sammi chases Frank up basement stairs with Sheila following leaving Hanzi behind, Sammi is on Frank's back pounding him outside in the street]

Sammi: I hope you die...

Sheila: Seriously, Frank...

Sammi: ...in a bottle of diarrhea!

Sheila: That is an unacceptable...

Sammi: I am your flesh and blood

Sheila: Do something, Frank!

Frank: She is nobody! All right, can the both of you...

Sammi: I am your flesh and blood!

Frank: Both of you, just shut the fuck up?! Can't a man have one moment of peace?! Christ! I've got a raging lunatic succubus of a daughter, on one hand, and a lumpy, smothering pervert of a wife, on the other! And you are both driving me fucking insane!

Sammi: Daddy!

Frank: Don't you "Daddy" me! You are needy! You are slutty! Your son is a lump of pure misery! And you have disgusting personal hygiene! And you!

Sheila: What?!

Frank: You are a certified whack job!

Sheila: What?!

Frank: You couldn't go out of your house for two years. You take great pleasure in shoving fake penises up the butts of the men you love! You banged the husband of your only daughter! You adopted a bunch of Indian kids, and who the fuck knows why?! And I cannot stand your unreasonably complicated cooking!

[Sammi starts crying]

Frank: Oh, Jesus Christ! Can't a man get one fucking minute of peace?! Just one minute?! [Sheila'shouse goes up in a total fireball explosion] Holy shit! Must've been the extra propane.

Sammi: Where's Hanzi? [Hanzi's right leg comes down near Frank]

Frank: That's a nice sock.

[RV dealer pulls up in brand new RV, who gets out astonished at the sight, says "Holy Mama", without saying a word to Frank, Sheila gets in and drives off]

Mickey:You call the cops, I'm gonna tell them I said Ian could take the baby on a trip. Who do you think they're gonna believe, huh? Illegal Russian fucking hand-whore or card-carrying, apple pie-eating, "Born on the Fourth of July" American fucking citizen?

Svetlana:Pregnant hand-whore, who is also mother, they will believe.

Lip: You got this one?

Fiona: Yeah.

Lip: Are you sure? 'Cause I could beat him to death with a baseball bat. You know, say I mistook him for an intruder.

Fiona: No, I'm good.

Lip: All right.

Fiona: Thanks, little brother.

Lip: No worries, big sister.

Ian: Hey, why you crying? It's a beautiful morning, don't you know? Okay, you need a new diaper, don't you? Shh. All right. Hey, hey, hey. (Shushes baby) You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away. Okay. (Baby Wailing) Okay, okay, okay. Uh Okay, okay. Diapers. Where are diapers? Diaper. No diaper. Hey, Yevvy, look what I found. (Holds up a Motorhead t-shirt) Motorhead, yeah. Heavy metal diaper. You're gonna be a big badass. All the other babies are gonna look at you, and you're such a big badass, they're gonna go running-- no, crawling away in fear. Why are you still crying? Oh. You're hungry. It's morning. Babies get hungry in the morning. Uh, no food, but we're near an aqueduct. We can forage. We can hunt. We can get wild greens, okay? (hoists Yevgeny on his shoulders and in deep voice) We go now. We hunt like men. One, two, three. Up, up, and away.

Karen Perlow:I'm Karen Perlow's mom-- 417? She gets a Ritalin every morning, never on an empty stomach, and then an Ativan at lunch-- two if she's feeling anxious at test times.

Lip:Okay, listen, I'm sorry, ma'am, but this isn't a summer camp, okay? And I'm not the camp nurse, so Karen, she has to handle her own reds and bennies, all right?

[Lip walks into dorm room with boys watching porn on laptop and smoking a bong]

Lip:Yo, douche bags, you think you could lay off on the water pipe and the porn until Mom and Dad Iowas are back on the Interstate, please?

[Amanda is painting a nude woman in a Renaissance-esque style on Lip's dorm wall]

Lip: I bet it was purely missionary. You know, getting caught under that would be like stepping on a grape.

Lip: What, they just give you a card?

Amanda: They'll give you, like, ten if you want. We're the future. They're meth dealers. Give you your first few hits for free, get you hooked. I'm just gonna run it up and then beg daddy to pay it off, turn on the tears, tell him how much I love him, promise to come home for Christmas. He always caves.

Derek:How was your summer? You, uh, finish the community service hours for that solicitation beef?

High school girl:Fuck you, Derek.

Nurse: Mr.Gallagher? How you feeling, Frank?

Frank: I've felt better.

Nurse: I would hope so. We've started you on Prednisone to decrease the inflammation in your liver, also Lasix to bring down your fluid levels. You were quite jaundiced when you arrived. Have you been taking your antirejection meds as prescribed?

Frank: My bitch of a newfound daughter hasn't been giving them to me.

Nurse: Your daughter has been keeping your medications away from you?

Frank: No, but she was supposed to make sure I take them.

Nurse: Mr. Gallagher, you are a 51-year-old man with a new liver transplant. You should be able to take responsibility for your own medications, unless you're mentally incapacitated. Are you mentally incapacitated?

Frank: Mentally incapacitated?

Nurse: Retarded. Are you retarded, Frank?

Frank: No.

Nurse: Then get your shit together.

...

Nurse: However, we did find traces of cocaine, marijuana, and opiates. If I were to hazard a guess, my money would be on Oxycontin.

Frank: Great stuff. The guy who invented it should be on the Nobel short list.

Frank:Because prison is no place for a man with naturally tight glutes.

Carl:Skank bitch did it to you. It'd just be self-defense.

Frank:Not after the fact. And, son, it's important to know the difference between a skank bitch and a deranged psychopath. Your sister Sammi is the latter.

[Someone knocks at the door when Lip and Amanda are making love in Lip's dorm]

Lip :What?

Muff: It's Muff. Is Amanda in there?

Lip: No.

Muff: Bullshit. Tell her I'm not fucking leaving till she faces me.

Amanda: Turns out lesbians are super possessive.

Muff: I fucking love you, Amanda. I fucking love you, you bitch!

Amanda: I let her go down on me, like, twice, and now she thinks we're married.

Lip: Right. So what do you want to do? 'Cause I have to pick up my brother in a few minutes.

Muff: Amanda, come out here and face me!

Amanda: I'll let you borrow my car if I can hide under your bed.

[Debbie is pounding a punching bag]

Derek:Easy, killer. Whose face are you picturing on that bag?

Debbie:Monica.

Derek:Who's that?

Debbie:Monica. My mother.

Derek:Mother? I thought she was dead.

Debbie:Monica. Not dead, just gone.She stayed around long enough to ruin our lives and pass on all her fucked up genes.

(Carl climbs into G-Dogg's Cadillac Escalade)

Carl:'Sup, G-Dogg?

G-Dogg:"'Sup"? Boy, you been blessed with an education. Try to sound like it.

Carl:What is up?

G-Dogg:"[Chuckles] Try "Good morning, sir."

Carl:Good morning, sir.

G-Dogg:"Good morning, Carl. And congratulations. You just got a promotion.

Carl:I did?

G-Dogg:Look, one of my runners took a bullet this morning, so I need you to take a run for me this afternoon.

Carl:A run? To where?

G-Dogg:Flint, Michigan.

(rat with its tail in a mousetrap runs across the floor and Kev leaps up on a chair)

Breast milk donor:(In a non chalant tone) Yeah, I've been wanting to talk about these working conditions.

Chuckie: I still don't understand why you shot him, mama.

Sammi: Because, Chuckie, fatherhood comes with responsibilities that go far beyond shooting sperm into a V hole. And I have decided it's time to teach your grandfather those responsibilities, because, clearly, he never learned them. He's like an untrained dog who keeps shitting all over the house, so we have three options-- run the dog over, send the dog back to the pound to be gassed, or train the dog. And I am choosing to train this dog. Isn't that the option you prefer, daddy?

Frank: Yes, it is, dear, and I really appreciate you taking such good care of me.

(Ian walks into the kitchen)

Debbie: He's totally Monica

Frank:Without the great ass

Sammi:Fiona, in my younger days, I slept with every member of the Guns 'N' Roses cover band Buns 'N' Hoses.

Fiona:And that would matter to me why?

Sammi:Because they all had wives they left back at home. I am telling you, the 1,000-mile rule-- that's real.

Kev:Hey, Kermit. You ever bartend before?

Kermit:At my niece's wake.It was a sad, sad day.

Kev:Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, bartend for me for a little bit and wait for V, and then you get to drink for free all week. I always wanted to go to college.

Carl: What's it feel like to be crazy?

Ian: Um, like I'm under a wet blanket and cotton mouth.

Carl: They give you shock therapy?

Ian: No.

Carl: Could be me next, you know. You ever think about painting yourself and running around naked? I think about that. Or flying? I dream about that. That doesn't make you crazy, you know. What about pushing someone on the tracks when the train's coming? - You ever thought about that?

Ian: No.

Carl: I heard about some guy that thought he had x-ray vision and could see girls' titties through their clothes. Maybe it's not that bad. You ever been to Michigan?

Frank:Put the drugs on Chuckie. Just strap him up.

Carl:Why?

Frank:Because you're 14, you look like a criminal, the cops can spot you a mile off, while Chuckie-- they take one look at that mongoloid, and all they want to do is look away. Here. Buy him a bus ticket. Yeah? And give your old man a taste for the effort.

Frank:No, he won't. There's nothing to be gained by killing a perfectly good corner boy. And it's not your fault that they came with drug dogs. That's the luck of the draw. G-Dogg will understand that.

[Mickey is playing an electric guitar in his bedroom wearing nothing, facing the doorway and has a severe bruise on his right side face]

Debbie: What happened to your face?

Mickey: Nothing.What the fuck do you want?

Debbie: Can you help me get these drugs?

Mickey: Iggy! Iggy! Can you get that shit? [Throws bag of empty prescription bottles to Iggy]

Iggy: Who the fuck gets high on lithium?

Mickey: No one.

Iggy: So? So I can't get 'em. I can get you crack, crystal, horse, E. But this shit, no. There's no market for it.

Mickey: I'll take some fucking crack.

Iggy: You got money?

[Mickey is silent and motionless. Iggy walks away.]

Debbie: When are you gonna come by to see Ian? He's been home all day. Maybe if you were there-- [Mickey Belches] Did you guys break up or something? Because I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to kidnap your baby.

Mickey: I'm fucking busy, Peppermint Patty. Go whine at someone who gives a shit. [Debbie walks over to sound system and turns it off]

Debbie: Frank used to drink like this. When Monica was around and they would fight, he would angry drink. It never worked. He always came back to her. You can't drink him away, Mickey. It won't work.

(Veronica is hiding behind a poster at an upscale restaurant watching a man before mustering up the courage)

Eddie:Veronica Fisher.

Veronica:Hey.

Eddie:You look fine, girl.

Veronica:Thank you, Eddie.

[Both chuckle]

Eddie:You look, yeah. Mmm, damn, princess, how long has it been? Long time. Those lips feel like yesterday. Should we sit, or should we find someplace more private?

Veronica:I'm sorry, Eddie. But you look, yeah. But I'm married. And I have twins-- Amy and Gemma.

Eddie:Oh, I remember them well.

(Eddie kisses both Veronica's breasts)

Eddie:Hello, Amy... and Gemma.

Veronica:That's not what I-- What? Ew! Shit.

(Veronica walks away)

Police:Put your hands in the air now!

Carl:All right, don't shoot. I'm white.

Frank:Looks like a tough night for the new liver.

(Burly police detective walks into interrogation room with Carl and two dozen bags of heroin on table)

Carl:I want a fucking lawyer motherfucker!

(Carl is walked into a cell next to Chuckie's)

Chuckie: Hey, Uncle Carl.I didn't know we were going to be neighbors. Will you tell me a story?

Lip:What do you want me to do-- you want me to call the cops and tell them somebody stole your pot?

Student:Do something.

Frank:You have not lived until you've heard the bones of your enemy being crushed under 3,000 pounds of Detroit steel.

Bianca:Daisy Kelso stole my date.

Frank:You never got payback?

Bianca:Mm-mm. She did him in the bathroom of a Popeyes Chicken.

Lip:Yo, if you're gonna smoke an illegal substance, you could at least do it in the privacy of your own shitty dorm room.

Joaquin:Eh, it'll be the most fun I've had since I got here. Everybody in my computer science classes are bitter Stanford rejects.

Lip:Not you?

Joaquin:Oh, I got into Stanford. [Inhales sharply on a joint while looking down with a blank face] Too much sun in California.

Lip:Right.

Bianca:When I woke up this morning, this is not how I saw my day ending. With a derelict getting stoned.

Frank:Derelict.

Bianca:Is that offensive?

Frank:I've been called worse.

Bianca:Those times you almost died, was it peaceful or scary or...

Frank:What's peaceful about dying? I don't care how much they meditate. When the time comes, those Hindus will be shitting their pants just like the rest of us.You know what they'll be thinking? "Fuck, I wish I'd tried steak".

(Bianca laughs)

Bianca:You ever streak before?

Frank:Many times. Just never on purpose.

Judge Gaither:Would the defendant like to say anything? Charles?

Sammi:Chuckie.

Chuckie:What?

Judge Gaither:Would you like to say anything before sentencing?

Chuckie:Okay.

Sammi:I would, Your Honor. I'm his mom. May I speak? My Chuckie is a good boy. The only thing he's ever stolen was my heart. But he was taken advantage of by an older family member. If you're gonna blame anyone, you should blame his uncle Carl or the family who raised him or me, for putting an innocent boy in a den of wolves.

(Carl is led into the courtroom)

Lip:Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think he's an upstanding young man.

Veronica:Just like Ted Bundy.

Carl's lawyer: He is sorry for what he's done, and he has learned from the experience.

Judge Gaither: Do you regret what you've done, Carl?

Carl: I did something really dumb that I shouldn't have. I trusted a fucking retard with a man's job. Next time I move a bunch of drugs, I'll be smarter.

Judge Gaither: If you want to go into my chambers and speak to me off the record, now is the time.Otherwise, you will end up in juvenile prison. Is that what you want?

Carl: Yes, please.

Judge Gaither: That's not what I was hoping to hear.

Carl: I know what you were hoping to hear. If Your Honor would lose 20 pounds, I would consider tapping that.

Judge Gaither: I think I've heard enough.

...

Fiona: Why the fuck did you do that, Carl?

Carl: When Paul Sugden came out of juvie, he knew how to make IEDs and where to launder money. You can't buy that kind of education. Plus, my street cred will be off the chain. Don't worry, I'm gonna make juvie my bitch.

Fiona: Any chance he'll get scared straight?

(Whole family expresses absolute doubt)

Veronica: He'll end up running the joint.

Lip's finance counsellor:Pairing boobs with anything is apparently a very good business plan.

Kev:I'm here to escort you to a world of pleasure.

Kev:No offense, but the Rapewalker doesn't do gangbangs.I mean, you could be fucking a chick, but if you're getting off surrounded by a bunch of dudes, that's pretty gay.

Kev:Her leaving did not make this feel less gay.

Kev: It's so simple in your 20s because you fall in love, you make bank when your girl posts videos of herself masturbating online. But then one day, you wake up, the bills are piled up, babies crying in your face. Everything's just so fucking hard. And the one thing that was easy, her, it's the hardest of all.

Student: Yeah, but she's really hot. She bad in the sack or something?

Kev: She can do more with the flick of her tongue than girls here can do gyrating their entire bodies. That's what happens when you marry the best. No matter how many girls there are, they're still not V. Hey, thank you, man. This was a great talk.

Lip:Uh, yeah, no, I just can't figure out, you know, what's-- you know, what's in it for him?

Professor Helene:Might need to get used to it, Lip. The world picking you up. There it is.

Lip:What?

Professor Helene:That angst. Just like Schiele.

Lip:Yeah, that's the second time you mentioned her. I mean, who the hell is this Sheila chick?

Professor Helene:Egon Schiele, an Austrian painter.

Sean:You know, what I fantasize about is my PO in pain, his family in pain. Doing to him what he's doing to me. And all it would take to make everything I'm feeling go away is one visit to a street corner. Bobby, Kilpatrick and Maypole. Needle, spoon, little bag of dope. 'Cause if I move, that's where I'm going. So I'm not gonna move. I'm gonna try like hell not to move.

Fiona:If we're gonna sit out here, you need this.

(Fiona goes into Sean's place, finds a jacket and brings it out, draping it on Sean)

Lip:Hey, there's someone downstairs who's calling you sweetheart.

Helen's husband:Helene!

Professor Helene:It's my husband.

Lip:Husband? Are you kidding?

Professor Helene:Up here!

Lip:The fuck are you doing? Shit.

(Helene's husband enters bedroom and Helene breaks out laughing)

Helen's husband:Who's this?

Professor Helene:Welcome home. This is Lip. He's quite bright.

Helen's husband:Hungry? I just got back from a conference. Starving. How would you like your omelet?

Frank: I can't offer you much, but what I can do is-- is be your chauffeur on the limousine ride to the pearly gates.

Professor Helene: You know what? Drop the whole "noble thug" shtick. You're covering your own ass and you know it. You-- you have a choice right now. To recognize that you are a promising young college student, not some ghetto outlaw. You stop behaving like the world is out to get you when it is so clearly dropping gifts at your feet. Or you keep doing what you're doing and you end up in a cell somewhere angry and out of options.

Bar thug: You heard the lady. She don't want to go home with you.

Sean: Mind your business, dumbass.

Bar thug: You just call me a dumbass?

Sean: Bartender, can you serve this melonhead some IQ points?

...

Bar thug: You got a real mouth on you, pal.

Sean: Yeah, most humans with a face do.

Sammi: Listen, listen, Ian, I want you to know you are a really good kid with a big heart. You have some hard times ahead of you, but you're gonna do great. [Two burly Army MPs appear from both sides of the house] Okay. Gentlemen, this is Ian Gallagher. I think they're ready to take him to jail now.

Carol: You never ever let a good-earning, good-looking, good-in-the-sheets man like your Kev off a leash, unless you're ready for him to run wild in the neighborhood sniffing after every bitch he sees.

Veronica: I didn't know that he was gonna round up half of Delta Delta Sluta for a dip-the-stick marathon.

Carol: A thirsty man coming out the desert is bound to take a drink.

Veronica: Now I'm a damn desert?!

Carol: A man only has one kind of camel to ride for many years. That camel run off, he gonna try to take a few other rides out for a spin before he decides which one he's gonna drive off the lot.

Veronica: That was, like, 15 different insulting metaphors all mashed up into one incredibly nasty sentence.

Carol: So your man likes lemons? Make yourself some lemonade.

Veronica: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Carol: Dress up like a little girl, if that's what he likes now.

Fiona: Could I possibly be doing a worse job of raising these kids?

Gus: Liam isn't smoking crack.

Fiona: Thanks for coming over, I'm just having a complete meltdown

...

Fiona: You can stay here.

Gus: Uh, your bed sucks.

Fiona: Never had any complaints.

Gus: You probably shouldn't be reminding your husband of how many men have tried out your mattress.