Spitting in the eye of a spiteful universe!

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This may surprise you, but we actually play the lotto. It’s true, we toss hard-earned money away on the “stupidity tax” every month just to see our numbers never come up. We’re never going to win, and we know that. But we don’t play Powerball believing that some day we’ll hit it and become stinking rich. We play so that we can dream. Dreaming is completely different than believing. Carrying around a pocket full of “what if” and “wouldn’t it be nice” beats being weighed down by chains of “someday”. We’ll take a playful optimism over impatient surety any day of the week, but mostly on Wednesdays and Saturdays when they do the drawings. And should the impossible ever happen and we do win, we can devote ourselves full-time to this podcast. Either that, or we’re outta here, suckers.

Galaxy Invader (1985) is as entertaining as a worn-through, sweat-stained t-shirt. To be fair, the shirt might be more compelling. Here’s two of the shirt’s finest scenes from a film otherwise meant to be avoided at all cost.

K is for the keyhole you look through to view this twisted scene from a little girl’s nightmare. Ketchup? Is that really what’s staining the floor? Is the kangaroo kindly kissing that kitten, or merely tasting it? And who tied a kite to someone’s pet, then opened the damned window? A kitten komes akross a krime scene, kauses kaos and konfusion, receives the kiss of death from a kagey kangaroo and is killed via kite by a kryptic kriminal. It’s a konspiracy, I tell you!

We have a theory that the only reason they made I Dream of Jeannie was so they could dress up Barbara Eden up in different outfits like the living doll that she is. Feel free to pause this and go frame by frame as needed.

Luka’s latest discovery on Netflix is the Canadian horror/thriller series Darknet. Check out this playlist of their short teasers and see if it whets your appetite . . . for blood!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hey, back off . . . that’s our bran, asshole. Don’t make us prove it, bitch. You don’t wanna know what happens to people who come between my girls and I and our fucking bran!”

“You don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.” Damn, we thought we knew. Geez, we’ve been messing around with all this fake love all these years, thinking we were happy, just being loveless losers. We wish somebody would have told us. What other things are we completely ignorant about?

“You don’t know what happiness is until you know Jesus. You don’t know what pampering is until you’ve had a spa day. You don’t know what chocolate is until you’ve had a Godiva truffle. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You don’t know what’s gone until you’ve checked the inventory. You don’t know what drunk is until you’ve been plastered on Jaeger bombs. You don’t know Einstein’s theory of special relativity is true until you’ve observed the light rays of stars bend from the force of the sun’s gravity during a solar eclipse. You don’t know True Detective until you’ve worked out who the Yellow King is. You don’t know what porn is until you’ve watched All Natural Nurses 3. You don’t know how a book ends until you’ve read it. You don’t know what taking an interest in others is until you work for the NSA. You don’t know trivia games until you’ve played YOU DON’T KNOW JACK. You don’t know what other people think of you until you’re dead, and then you find out they never really thought about you much at all. You don’t know what to eat until you’ve seen the menu. You don’t know true pain until you let me show you. You don’t know what true poverty is until we swap your life with a rag-picker in Calcutta that we’ve had our eye on.”

We do know what true self-importance is because we’ve talked to parents of children.

Belial, the more charismatic of the two brothers from Basket Case, gets on his dancing shoes (after a fashion) and shows you his moves. He’s only seventeen!

Employers beware; your workers may be nursing a grudge against you. Why don’t you all sit down together and talk it out before somebody gets mad and complains to the union? Learn your lesson by watching The Hidden Grievance (1957)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Someday, Trudy, you’ll have a bun like this in your little oven, and then you’ll be a real woman.”

If there’s one word that describes us, it’s plucky. We’ve got spunk, we do! No matter what the difficulties or dangers, we sally forth and soldier on. Our gritty determination has seen us through countless trials and travails, emerging through the mists of woe with spirited grins on our feisty faces. No challenge can match our bold ganbatte attitude. “We are never give up!” as the song says. There is nothing . . . NOTHING that can hold us down!

Except maybe a cold. That’s a bit much. Geez, cut us a little slack, would ya?

2003’s Love Object is not a bad little creep-out if you enjoy a bit of depraved nebbish in your psycho-killer. Poor Kenneth is such a dweeb. How’s a dweeb-cicle like him ever going to get a date? Here’s an idea: save all the money that isn’t spent on romantic dinners, weekend getaways, flowers, candy and all that other stuff and spend it all at once to buy an anatomically accurate silicone sex doll. Now we’re talkin’! Nikki the Doll doesn’t care if Kenneth is a dweeb, just so long as he dresses her nice and uses a good antiseptic to wipe her down afterwards. But wait, what if spending time with Nikki improves Kenneth’s confidence and he isn’t such a dweeb anymore? What if Kenneth was only practicing on Nikki so that he could get together with Lisa? Nikki doesn’t like that. No, Nikki doesn’t like that at all. Maybe Nikki wants her dweeb back and will do anything to keep him all to her ball-jointed self. Luka, quite the doll herself, gives this dating sim a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie rating. Here’s a quick look:

What makes Love Object such a creepy flick is that RealDolls actually exist! Google it if you want, but don’t do it at work. Rip Torn might kick your ass.

Mark Wayne Williams, the Batman of Petoskey, in all his costumed glory. There are plenty of pictures available of the man behind the cowl, but let’s just remember him this way, shall we?

Yes, by gawd, there IS a Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve being heavily guarded somewhere in Quebec. Rest assured.

Red Dwarf X: The Boys from the Dwarf are back, baby!

Elementary: “Ooo, my dear Watson!”

Brickleberry: It lost us right after the Parkinsons/handjob joke. No, we didn’t make that up.

Last Resort: this show should only be watched as one.

Revolution: A thinly veiled NRA wet dream without a single character to cheer for. So, what, we cheer for the guns?

The Mob Doctor: “Feeling plucky, punk?”

How should one behave on a date? Where should you go? What kind of fun should you have? At the end of the evening, should you shake a girl’s hand, ignore her completely, or lunge at her lustfully? Please find the answers by viewing this week’s educational short: Dating Dos and Don’ts (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Remember back in the old days before Match.com and RealDolls? How did anyone find that perfect person before the internet connected far-flung souls? There were plenty of matchmakers and dating services, not to mention well-intentioned friends that could arrange blind dates. Did any of these things work? Well, let’s see: take a look at your parents. They happy? Y’know what, I’ll stick with the internet, thank you.

This may well go down in the archives as “The Infectious Episode”. We started off the show with Skullard being all croaky and phlegm-infused, and by the time we wrap it all up, he’s in dire need of a vaporizer and a towel over his head. As it turns out, podcasting is all we got done that day as our plague-ridden Skullard passed out on the tiles afterwards, a viscous pool of snot spreading from his over-active sinuses. Gross as that was, the slippery nasal discharge made it easier for Luka to drag her wretched husband to his nest for rest and restoration. By the end of the day, poor Luka was feeling the tell-tale tickle at the back of her throat signifying that her beloved had shared more with her than Cadburry Eggs, clever insights and loving glances. Both of our podcast hosts have fallen prey to the insidious bug, but you, dear listener, are safe. The common cold can’t be shared via MP3 files, and iTunes has suprisingly good virus protections set up for its users. Still, we’d be pleased if this podcast did become contagious, getting passed from listener to listener, spreading across the internet and polluting the vulnerable brains of podcast lovers everywhere. If somewhere deep in your psyche you’ve always wanted to be a Typhoid Mary or Larry, now’s your chance! Share the disease that is What Could Go Wrong? with someone you know and tolerate. Spread the infection.

Luka’s Bad Movie Review covered one of 1987’s greatest crimes against both cinema and nature: Slugs! Leaving an icky trail across countless VHS machines in the 80’s, this Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie took one of the least threatening garden pests and turned it into a menace of near Jaws-like proportions. And rather than killing off the aggressive gastropods by filling kiddie pools with beer, the protagonists decide to deal with the slimey scourge by blowing up the goddamn sewers. What Could Go Wrong?

This young lady was booted out of school for having cool hair, but was allowed back in after the ACLU reminded everyone that pink follicles are constitutionally protected. School administrators were shocked that no one cared about the color of the sticks up their butts.

Victorian Romance Emma is the perfect antidote for your Post Downton Abby Depression. Does life have no meaning now that Matthew and Mary are together? Well now you can enjoy the emotional angst all over again as the son of a merchant family falls for a common house maid. C’mon, you know you love this kinda stuff!

In this week’s thrilling educational short, a question which has plagued mankind for centuries is finally answered. Does our diet affect our health?! Of course it does, stupid! Please enjoyEat For Health (1954);

Put your clothes in the dryer, throw in a Bounce ™ sheet and insert the requisite number of quarters. Now press “Play”. It’s that time of the week when we ponder “What Could Go Wrong?” and invite you to ponder right along with us. In a week where bad news has laid a heavy hand on our spirits, we gladly bring you the stupid, the lame, the idiotic and the down-right silly. As the world goes wrong around you, relax and enjoy the small, goofy island that we’ve erected for your pleasure. (*Snerk* “Erected.” )

Sorry New Mexico, but we’re going to keep picking on you until you straighten up your act. Stop driving through pumpkin patches and stealing cow statues. It’s rude. And panty thieving? Really? Grow the hell up! You’re not ninjas, so leave the ladies understuff alone. Panties aren’t the only things getting lifted this week, though. The LAPD’s SWAT team had their guns stolen. There’s a story that’ll help you sleep at night. Don’t sleep too soundly, though, or your wife will try cutting off your head with a reciprocating saw. Why a reciprocating saw? Because it’s handy. It’s also a good idea to keep a broom handy just in case Spiderman tries to hold up your convenience store with a sword. Y’know, like he would. We talk about drug-dealing ice cream men, identical twins giving birth to bastards in tandem and high school students getting limited to three dumps per semester. And then there are the bears. A scaredy bear in the produce aisle, and a happy bear living large in the candy store. Can you say, “Om-Nom-Nom-Nom“?

The Bad Movie Review for this week is 1977’s arachnid massacre Kingdom of the Spiders starring none other than William Shatner. Shatner plays Rack Hanson – large animal veterinarian – who serves as our suave and handsome hero in this Man vs. Nature struggle against the biggest colony of poisonous, web-hyper tarantulas ever to terrorize a small town full of inbred hicks. Thrill to sight of hundreds of innocent spiders, many of which only got their SAG cards the day before, getting squished by ignorant townsfolk. Luckily, the spiders get some of their own back as they kill some of the hillbillies, but don’t worry – no humans were harmed in the making of this film. Eight-legged body count aside, this movie is one of Luka’s favorites, and earns the rank of Good Unintentionally Bad Movie.

No anime this week? Well, maybe that’s because we’ve been glued to our TV, watching the latest season of shows. There’s actually some stuff coming out that has pulled us away from Japanese animation, and we take the time to talk about it. We discuss the latest seasons of House, Dexter, and The Walking Dead. And we also share our thoughts on the new series Homeland and An American Horror Story.

Hey, douchebag! Be more polite! This week’s bonus educational short Mind Your Manners (1953) will teach you how to act like a gentleman, so girls will think good things about you. Yes, even your sister.