Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in …
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It looks like those sun-deprived stat geeks eating pudding in their basement (the same nitwits who insist that homers and RBIs are overrated) outsmarted themselves in assessing this unit.

What the joke lacks in verisimilitude (no stat geek has ever insisted that homers are overrated) and originality ("sun-deprived," "in their basement") it more than makes up for in comic specificity ("pudding"). This one's worth 1.3 LOLs Above Replacement Joke.