Bayern coach Louis van Gaal and his team celebrate their Bundesliga success at the Marienplatz in Munich. Photograph: Joerg Koch/AFP/Getty Images

José Mourinho went to see Bayern Munich beat Hertha 3-1 on Saturday, in a game every bit as competitive and unpredictable as a parliamentary election in the old GDR. Ivica Olic scored the opener with a fine angled shot, then Arjen Robben got an easy, late brace after Adrian Ramos had equalised for the hosts, who will go down to Bundesliga 2 with the worst home record in history: not even the cursed Tasmania Berlin managed 16 home games in a row without a win in 1965-66. "Thanks for nothing" read a banner in the stands.

So far, so uneventful, but Mourinho will have still left Berlin's Olympic Stadium more than a little perturbed: how in the hell, he will wonder, is he supposed to coach in a big game where there's no animosity towards the opposing manager nor the club? The Portuguese aggro-merchant will have to bring the full extent of his tactical nous to bear in Madrid, including Lucio in the Robert Huth role as a makeshift centre-forward, perhaps.

But that's in 10 days. And Bayern have problems, too, of course. Sobering up in time will be difficult if they follow up two days of pretty full-on Meisterschaft celebrations with equally liquid festivities after the German Cup final against Werder Bremen on Saturday. Louis van Gaal obviously wasn't lying when he described himself as a "party animal" last week: eye-witness Karl-Heinz-Rummenigge saw him dancing on the tables of a Munich disco well after 4am on Sunday morning.

The Dutch manager was ecstatic about the first of two possible trebles. "We have the most points, the most goals [72] and the best defence, along with Schalke," he beamed, soaking wet after one or two customary beer showers. "I don't think many teams win championships in this attractive manner. Thank you for letting me tell you this story."

President Uli Hoeness couldn't resist one last dig at Felix Magath's Royal Blues, naturally. "They are the vice-champions of the hearts this year," he proudly said with reference to the 2001 championship, when unlucky runners-up Schalke declared themselves "champions of the hearts". He wasn't gracious (surprise, surprise) but he was right. This year's version of the big ugly red beast has pulled off a remarkable feat, similar to that of Carlo Ancelotti's Chelsea: 112 goals in all competitions, easy-on-the-eye attacking football and the inclusion of young German players have made them ... well, a little less disliked north of the Main river, the natural border separating most Bayern loyalists from millions of ABBs.

In Mainz, where Schalke fought out a moderately entertaining 0-0, Kevin Kuranyi stripped down to his pants and gave his kit to the away fans. "You see, I've given them my last shirt," grinned the striker, pleased with the clever metaphor. Magath will have to continue the rebuilding process without the former Germany international who has confirmed he's off to Dynamo Moscow. The free transfer to the Russian capital's fourth-biggest club is an interesting move that begs one question: what did attract the 28-year-old to a three-year-deal worth €18m net, the equivalent of £200k per week before UK tax? A new challenge in a new country, no doubt.

Despite his many goals this season, Magath is not too sorry to the see the back of him. With Kuranyi off the wage list, debt-stricken S04 can invest into a bit more quality. Widely reported rumours about Michael Ballack's arrival are wide of the mark, however, unless Magath can quite literally strike gold. "We need to dig around for more money," the 56-year-old said; much of the €20m from the Champions League will probably go to the banks first.

Third-placed Bremen don't need to hand out shovels to their employees though. They were once 16 points adrift of Leverkusen, whose late challenge they fought off to claim the last Champions League spot. A 1-1 draw with Hamburg, who won't even feature in the Europa League next season, was enough to finish yet another rollercoaster season on a high. Each year makes the enigma that is Thomas Schaaf more of a riddle. The 49-year-old is probably the world's biggest expert in leading teams straight into the abyss and out again, a master of near disaster.

Werder goalkeeper Tim Wiese wasn't quite that happy, however. "I don't have much of a lobby," he claimed in light of Jogi Löw's refusal to name him as Germany's No1. "But I will fight until the blood is coming out of my ears," he vowed. That's very reassuring.

Over in Hoffenheim, Germany's best keeper, Jens Lehmann (in the eyes of Jens Lehmann, that is) played his last professional game. The 40-year-old retired after a second half of the season without any mistimed toilet breaks or ball-boy altercations. Stuttgart, the best team of 2010, lost only one game after the winter break and managed to sneak into Europe. "Let's twist again" should be their official club anthem: when manager Christian Gross took over last autumn, the Swabians were in 15th spot.

Down where the sun don't shine, there were tears and fights. Hannover beat Bochum 3-0 away to save themselves from the drop. Keeper Florian Fromlowitz dedicated the win to Robert Enke, "the man up there in the sky" and couldn't stop crying, along with the rest of the team. Bochum, the Unabsteigbaren (Unrelegateables) of yesteryear, didn't cry or show much emotion at all despite going down, a fact that enraged their supporters. A few hooded yobbos ran on to the pitch to confront the players at the final whistle; Mergen Mavraj and a few others were roughed up a bit in the process. Much worse was to come in verbal form, when caretaker manager Dariusz Wosz, a man with a historically accurate Bros hairstyle, slammed the lack of character of the side. "This team broke apart after 15 minutes, they stopped playing football," he said. "As a manager, you're air to them." "We'll have to evaluate who will be prepared to clean up the bullshit next season," VfL CEO Ansgar Schwenken added.

Nürnberg's players still have a chance to spare themselves a similarly uncomfortable probe: as the 16th-placed team, they will face FC Augsburg (third in Bundesliga 2) home and away in a relegation/promotion play-off on Thursday and Sunday. It'll be tight, it'll be tense, and with this being a Bavarian duel, someone may just get showered at the end.