Newly Separated

My husband has ADHD, and is a medical professional...and I have PTSD. I love this man with my whole heart, and am sure he feels the same. However, it became impossible to live together...so we are separated. It's been two months...I'm 600 miles away. What complicated things even further, is I have serious medical issues (two strokes within a year, brain lesions...and on and on). I spent almost 30 years going back an forth overseas across four continents. If there was war, famine, genocide, disease...this is where I could be found. During this time, I sustained many injuries at the hand of those seeking to perpetrate these atrocities against their own citizens. This also included being gang-raped. Thank God, HE has taken the sting of this event away, yet, the memory is acutely intact. This I'm grateful for, as it's been a tool for other women to be set free of the same torment that once held me captive.

The idea to separate was mutual, as was the place I am now. I'm with friends of 35 years. Prior to the idea to separate we agreed to seek out a marriage counselor that dealt with these particular issues. However, hubby became very angry at the therapist. He stood up, pointed his finger at him and said "You are going to listen to me!" The therapist asked him three times to...sit down. He refused. Then said, I'm paying for these sessions and you're going to listen to me! I was in tears...and walked out. Hubby left too, slamming the door behind him. I KNOW my hubby...he is not some monster. He's a good man and he loves me and I him.

He recognizes the issues needing to be dealt with. It appears that he's afraid to believe that there could be real and lasting change for him...and I know there can be. PLEASE...any positive ideas, constructive help is more than welcome. We both desire to live together again, but know it can't be right now. He is handling the separation better than I am. We are in communication. One exciting thing is, it's like falling in love all over again due to all the conversations without the screaming and tantrums. This is one thing I had no clue would happen. Given that, I see the separation was most needed.

One thing I almost forgot to add...he forgot is phone was open three times. I heard him talking about me in the most negative terms (I can't even bring myself to repeat what he said) to those at one of the medical meeting at the hospital where he works. He was blaming me for every negative thing in his life. This is not true. When I confronted him about what I heard. He did his usual thing...You just took it the wrong way. However, I heard what I heard and in the context it was said. It was said with venom and sarcasm. However, he really knows this is not true. I felt as if I'd been kicked, since he wouldn't even admit this was so wrong to say. It seems as if he can play the blame game, he has no responsibility. Is this a usual thing that happens???

Comments

Your story and your situation have some familiarity for me except for the horrific events that you have been through...I can't even imagine. The parts that struck a cord with me were within the same sentence,"It seems as if he can play the blame game, he has no responsibility." Blaming and refusal to take responsibility go hand in hand. Is this usual? Yes, for someone who is taking on the role of a victim. It's a defense from looking at something that you don't want to ( or can't ) look at about yourself (him). So is arguing or (negotiating) with the marriage counselor. So is lobbying the support of others publicly ( at work ) to his side (or position). My guess in context to your story was that he was hearing something that was too uncomfortable or painful in thinking about himself in the moment (or in general) that he can't or is not ready to hear......getting too close to the fire.

One more bit of insight to add is his profession. My therapist explained this to me once about the medical profession and the inherent tendency for those within it to be "right". He said it starts in med school and has to do with a somewhat collective defense or protection against ever being wrong.....which equals mal-practice. However....the demographics of many fields of work tend to draw people who fit within it. In other words.....the field doesn't make the person that way, they chose the field because they were that way to begin with.

I can't tell you how to interpret this or what this means specific to him but I do know from my own journey with having ADHD is that it begins with defending against it until you're ready to see it for what it is, which happens one layer at a time when you're ready. There is pain involved and it takes time. I think everyone is different when it comes to this. For me, I tend to want the band-aid ripped off all at once instead of peeling it back slowly pulling one hair out at a time.

I hope this helps you to gain some objectively and separate your own issues from his. Objectively is never a bad thing especially when emotions start taking control of your thinking.

And I realized that my comments were taken somewhat out of context to what I remembered when I was recently divorced. It's easy to forget and in part...why I came back to this thread. Let me explain.

I was in terrible shape shortly after my wife had left and I really had lost all hope for the future. One evening I had a client that I really didn't know come by my house to pick up some work i had done for him. I can't remember the entire conversation but I must have told him about my wife leaving me. He said he had been through the same but I will always remember the thing he said to me next. He said," It will get better, I promise. You will feel the way you do for a while but then you will begin to notice that instead of agonizing about your loss all day long every day....you will only agonize for part of the day. As time goes on...you will begin to think about it less each day until one day... you won't think about it all for the entire day. I promise you this will happen."

I thought that it was a) really nice of him to take the time to tell me this as we were really only just acquainted and b) that he was so sure of what he was saying and how he said it with such conviction that he convinced me right there that it would happen just as he said. This coming from virtually a total stranger. It gave me hope in the moment which was really all I needed right then.

Months later I remember the day when what he had said happened exactly as he said it would It had actually been several days before I realized I had not thought about my wife or my divorce once during that time. And I realized that I was better...everything was better!

And now, it's easy to forget how I felt that evening when my client stopped by because I never felt that way again.

So now in turn I will say to you what I didn't say before, regardless of the outcome between you and your husband and how you feel right now....it will get better, I promise.

My heart sank when I read about his phone being left open..and you hearing what he said. I have MANY MANY times thought to myself that if I could hear what my husband says about me to others I would probably crumble into a pile of ashes on the floor...it would hurt so badly. The things he says to my face are bad enough. There is someone in both of our lives that he's talked about me to in a very negative way...and I know I'm only getting the tip of the iceberg..I can't imagine what else is said and to whom. I find myself even embarrassed when I am around his friends and coworkers for fear of what he's said about me. I say this because I KNOW that he blames me for all of his problems, his misery, his hatred for his job..that he says he only keeps because of me and admits he resents me because of it. (the same job he called "a God send" a couple of years ago). It's like living a life of humiliation because you know lies are being told and half truths and completely distorted truths. I don't know if you can relate, but I believe..and have for many years..that there is a side of my husband that I know nothing about and if I did I would probably be beyond shocked. He accidently forgot to hang up his phone once...and I overheard him telling his friend that he'd gotten fired from his job that day. It was a lie. I never could figure out why he would lie about something like that. ?? He's very dishonest as a whole, I'm really beginning to see just how terribly dishonest he is. :(

I like J's response...everything will be OK..no matter what. I like the line from the book Codependent No More.."nothing is the end of the world except for the end of the world". Hang in there. If the separation doesn't spark some change, then nothing else probably will. Try to focus on the positives...as hard as that might be.