Got judged right out of my church. It was a great church. It supplied many things for me. However, the people are getting or staying mean. When I had more walls up. Walls within walls within walls. It didn't matter. I didn't care where I was. I was just learning how to show up. As I got slowly better no one else did. Maybe a few people. The point is that as I got better other people continued to judge me. They did not understand me. Or why I was what I was. Or why I wasn't working, or more importantly, why wasn't l like them. I know churches are judgmental places. IT true. However the judging gets mean. The people get mean. Theirs a sense they wanted me out, that I wasn't one of them. I played piano and drums at that church in off hours. It allowed me to get back into my music again with Gods help. I am deeply thankful for that. But to who. To the people in the church or God.

My wave length, Their wave length, didn't fit.. Now that Im getting better, Im trying to see things without the fantasy bond. Trying to see the people the way they are. That is what counts. Nothing else.

I have to leave and find nice people to be around. I will not be around people that are prejudice. That is what is going on here. Im getting cold thrown at me. A cold stare, a cold attitude. A cold interest.I have to leave.

Work: People think Im lazy or different. That is why I don't work. The truth is I don't have the heart to tell them all that happened to me or why Im in there small town. And I really don't wanted to be reminded of it. Most of my life was destroyed, and I never planed on it or wanted it that way. I wanted relationships with people, family , and friends. That is not what happened. Most of my life was erased, and I really don't want to look at it or deal with it. Not in a public place around public people. Its to painful. Why would I want all of that sorrow thrown down on me, all at once on an abrupt moment in the middle of a public place. In addition to that, its coming from every angle, every person in a specific group in a specific setting... Like getting the cold shoulder from everyone. Like being a scapegoat, but worse. Like being the town scoundrel or the church scoundrel in the group. Or the church loafer or pan handler.

I sang a song at church today. No one was impressed, instead they gave me these looks like : get out of our church pan handler"..."loser" "Freeloader" Nice place..!!!