Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just Get It Over With

You know how I feel right now?

Empty.

I don't know why. I just got off work, I have to be there again in 7 hours. I should be sleeping. But instead, my mind is turning in on itself, thinking thoughts I don't want to be thinking. Feeling things I shouldn't be feeling.

In my dreams lately, the color dreams, I am being chased. Chased by a monster, a monster that bears down upon me, no matter how fast I run. In the dream, I keep creating these safe places. Such as, while attempting to hide in a house (that I know in real life) from this monster, I created this secret compartment, an underground safety room. I closed myself off, and promptly woke up.

Why do I always feel like I need to protect myself? Why am I always running? Why do I try to please every fucking person around me, then forget that I have needs and wants, too? Why do I put everyone before myself?

Why am I still fucking awake, typing on the computer, asking myself a million freaking questions?
There's another question right now.

I just want to make everyone happy. I want to make him happy. I try so hard.

12 comments:

hey lenina, this entry sounds like your very harsh on yourself....i can relate to the thoughts and questioning going around and around, i think we all have days.nights like this too. Im no expert on dreams, yours made me ask "is she feeling exposed in her waking life"... i think you know trying to make others happy is nigh on impossible, trying hard for your self is healthy...n so is self forgivness and acceptance. I truely hope these shitty feeling pass sooner rather than later

I hear you in my head right now. It's a bit freaky. I'm exhausted but my brain won't shut off. I am a pleaser too; it's a problem in my life. I'm probably miserable because of it; the resentment is creeping in. The question becomes "what about my dreams", "what about me", "does anyone give a damn?"I hear you.

oooo now theres a question, how to make the questions stop...i have no idea, but lets say we did make the questions stop....how would we truely feel? i dunno if id feel like a stranger in me own skin lol

Hey crazy lady. This old Goat has a blog site and I wish to share it with u. Gayisevolutuon.posterous.com. I hope u enjoy as much as I enjoy ur words of deepitude. Miss u. I'm counting down the next three weeks like a bandit on the run!

This Is Me

A sequel, a continuation of a blog I started long ago that ended abruptly. God knows what you will find here. I write short stories, I write about my life, I give my opinions freely about the world around me. It'll be like South Park - anything goes. And just as satirical.