My Life, My Words, My reality!

February 20, 2012June 6, 2012

SABOTAGE

I know this all too well….

Sitting here, I can’t help but to rethink of the time I was so unhealthy in the way I approached potential relationships. Fear, is a hell of an emotion. It not only gripes you but it makes you act out in ways that our detrimental to you and any potential relationships.

Always thinking of how to make ME better, I have been examining certain behaviors and patterns that have been a reoccurring theme in this game called LOVE. Being single has given me a lot of insight on what I want in a mate and what I can also bring to the table.

I know many of us have a list of what we want in our significant other but have we thought about what we can offer that person??

I know I am a great catch BUT I have baggage. I know that no one is baggage free but at least I acknowledge mine.

As I listened to Wale’s ‘Sabotage’, I couldn’t help but think that I was once this girl he was rapping about. Here I am with a guy that I liked and vice versa and all I could think about was when was he going to mess up. I knew it was coming and only time would reveal it, but instead of it happening naturally, I created situations to justify my thoughts.

SICK….

Not only was it draining but it was affecting my relationship. What was I hiding from? Fear? Pain? Rejection? Well, to avoid all of those things I didn’t let him come too close. Walls were created, mazes were planted…my heart was fully protected, or so I thought.

I remember the day he came to see me, happy as always, I knew it was going to be a good day. I genuinely enjoyed being around him. It was crazy how fast things took off between us. He was becoming a close friend to me and that scared me. Long talks on the phone for HOURS and visits had me slowly hooked.

Catch your grip Jen….

I would repeatedly tell myself, but did that help…of course NOT.

As we sat down and talked, I knew that something was differently. As he looked at me strangely, he asked me softly why…. I was so stunned that it took me awhile to answer. How did he know what I was doing? He kept asking me why I was sabotaging what we could potentially have and all I could do was stare.

As my mind raced for a perfect an answer, I finally gave up and answered.

I was scared, but of what? He hadn’t shown me anything yet to make me feel this way but it was only a matter of time…right?

We were emotionally on 10 with each other. I never met anyone who could take me from 10 to 20 in .5 seconds. When we were happy it was AMAZING but the minute something went bad…man was it BAD. Now, I will take full responsibility of my childish gimmicks and overly dramatic ways that played a significant role in our demise but I thought I was protecting myself.

However, that was not the case.

That relationship dissolved and to this day it is a haunting reminder that I had a lot of things to work on. I took the necessary time off to deal with certain issues that I thought I could sweep under the rug.

After addressing certain things, I am now in a better space than I was a year and half ago. I even had the chance to revisit that situation and let me tell you something….I am definitely more MATURE. Even though I was slightly disappointed at how things went…me a year ago would have handled it completely different.

Letting go of tendencies and behaviors are difficult but I was not benefiting from my sabotaging ways. Not only was I sabotaging a situation, I was sabotaging myself.

How effective is that???

It wasn’t and I had to tell that side of me adios and I’m so glad I did.

Have you sabotaged a situation? Why? When it comes to dating, have you sabotaged a potential something to appease some self-fulfilling propehecy? Is sabotaging a defense mechanism?