Wednesday, September 10, 2008

And you thought you had problems. You could be living in in the German state of North Rhine-Westphalia and have to deal with all that they have going on. Oh, that would be kangaroos hopping through the town on a Monday night. (Interesting. You'd think they'd go out on the weekend like everyone else, wouldn't you?)

In a scene that I can only imagine being extremely Simpsons-esque (no offense, Simpsons guys), the very amusing folks over at The Local, Germany's News In English(Yes, they have one in Sweden and one in Germany. Apparently the rest of the European Union can just suck it, I guess.) tell us that "Police and fire department workers spent Monday night chasing a kangaroo through the city." Again, I ask the question, why are firefighters called to help with situations like these? The creature isn't on fire. The creature isn't spewing flames. The creature isn't Godzilla (fiery breath, remember?). Why do they keep calling the poor firefighters? It is guaranteed that if there is a weird animal loose somewhere OR if a man has a foreign object lodged on his penis, there will be firefighters called to the scene immediately. I'd like to know why. And so would the firefighters.

Apparently, several people had called and reported that there was a kangaroo hopping freely about the land. The Local tells us that "After police verified the authenticity of the call, emergency workers tried to capture the marsupial, but it had no interest in the dog treats they offered it." And how, exactly, did they go about "verifying" the "authenticity" of the call? It would had to have been something extremely technical and highly advanced. Like having someone look outside and see if they saw a kangaroo. That's my guess. And as for the kangaroo not having any interest in the Scooby Snacks they were trying to bribe it with? Well, it's a kangaroo and you were offering it dog treats. Kangaroos don't like dog treats; they like kangaroo treats. (I'm extrapolating there, but what else would it be?) It's not a dog, it's a kangaroo. Try to keep up next time, OK? You guys are supposed to be public servants.

Finally, finally those multi-talented firefighters/wayward-marsupial chasers managed to catch the wayward creature without injuring it, with a net. (Why are the firefighters running around Germany with nets? I don't know the answer to that either, but this story is certainly raising a lot of questions about exactly what's going on over there, that's for sure.) This is when we learn that the kangaroo, the one that they couldn't catch and that doesn't like dog treats, is 70 centimeters tall. Wait. What?

70 centimeters? Crap! Stupid metric system...let's see...carry the one....OK, so about 35 inches tall. That's just an inch shorter than three feet. A midget kangaroo is bouncing around the city, refusing dog snacks and they can't catch it? How hard could that be? I guess I was picturing a monster kangaroo with fangs and drool that would crush you with one mighty hop upon your soft and squishy head. But no. Instead we have some mutated marsupial prancing about whilst Ralph Wiggum et al. scratch their heads and hurl dog treats at it. Grand. That sounds effective. Hey, wait a minute. What's a kangaroo doing in Germany? Sightseeing? That's not their native land. Something is awry. (The kangaroo was my first clue.)

According to the Local in English, as they tried to sound very law enforcement like and use the appropriate lingo, "Police had no leads on who might own the wily kangaroo and placed it in a Troisdorf animal shelter. But later on Tuesday they found it was one of two house pets named Tequila and Sunrise." And that's where the freaking article ends. What the hell?!

So there's someone in Germany who keeps dwarf kangaroos as house pets and names them after colorful and tasty alcoholic beverages and no one raises an eyebrow or explains how it's even possible to keep a kangaroo in your home, not to mention why you'd even want to. (I'm sure the first few days that it bounces around is very amusing, but I'd imagine that gets old really fast.) And which kangaroo was it that was on the loose? Tequila or Sunrise? That's just shoddy reporting all the way around right there.

See, it's questions like those that keep me up at night. It's not like the person writing the wire story couldn't have asked which kangaroo it was. It's not like people won't be curious. (They will be! It's not just me! Is it?) What about all of the Germans who read the story and thought, "Hey! I want my own kangaroo too!" ("And I want to give it a quaint name as well! Strawberry and Daiquiri! Harvey and Wallbanger! Screaming and Orgasm!" Oh, whoops. Sorry about that last one. I was thinking of something else.) And no word on who the owner of said wayward roo? Are we supposed to guess or is it just supposed to be obvious?