People have been complaining about the lack of blockbusters in cinemas this summer. The day has now been saved. By Iron Maiden. They've made an action movie that swoops in, kicks ass and gets out again, compressing explosions, aliens and high-speed chases into a mere five and a bit minutes. James Cameron cannot even pretend to compete.

Premiering last week, the veteran metal band's thriller is as worthy as any of those being taken seriously right now, no matter how short it is.

Still from Iron Maiden's Final Frontier Photograph: YouTube

Casting

Final Frontier stars a grizzled space-pilot known only as "Cleaner Six", who we find in the final stages of some gruelling, complex job. Called on the radio, Cleaner Six reports his progress to an unnamed base. "I had something to put to bed back there," he snarls in a northern European accent, possibly German. "It is now nicely wrapped in a napalm blanket – but I've got the key. I'm about to make Planet Four, locate the relic, and then I'll serve up the ashes of that wart of a planet ... "

Of course, in his crazy accent, it comes across as "I'll surf up the arse-cheese of that vortova-plane-yickt" – which, to the casual observer, makes only a little less sense than the actual script.

The other character named in the video is easier. Cleaner Six is being chased by Eddie. Eddie is, of course, skeletal face of zombie terror Eddie the head, the longtime mascot of Iron Maiden. He sometimes appears onstage as a puppet skull – a chilling embodiment of the band's album art – but has taken many varying forms. Or as many varying forms as you can take with a zombie skeleton head.

This time, Eddie is a skeletal zombie extra-terrestrial. You have to imagine the band's joy at this point that they picked the right mascot all those years ago. They would never have had this much versatility with the Honey Monster or Teddy Ruxpin.

Still from Iron Maiden's Final Frontier Photograph: YouTube

Plot

The "plot" comes in three stages:

a) Cleaner Six wishes to gain ownership of an undetermined relic from a world known as "Planet Four".

b) A nemesis named Eddie wishes to restrict his access to said relic.

c) Using various tactics of treasure-seeking subterfuge learnt from watching the Alien franchise, Star Wars and Indiana Jones ...

Still from Iron Maiden's Final Frontier Photograph: YouTube

... Cleaner Six obtains said relic.

d) Eddie chases Cleaner Six to get relic.

e) Cleaner Six sets off an explosion that appears to permanently scupper Eddie's threat to his relic-ownership.

Still from Iron Maiden's Final Frontier Photograph: YouTube

(In a corridor, thus obeying one of the fundamental laws of action movies.)

f) Eddie, who is not actually dead, suddenly shows up in the escape vehicle of Cleaner Six, attacking him and firing him out of an airlock. And then exploding Planet Four.

Critical opinion of an opinionated critic

The intention stated in the opening seconds of the video is undeniably achieved. That wart of a planet is toast. It's a toasted wart. And the relic is located, retrieved, and reunited with the "key" Cleaner Six swiped earlier in the mission.

All goals are achieved, all aims met. And yet so many artistic and cinematic questions are left as those high-octane five and a bit minutes draw to a close. Why did Cleaner Six want to explode Planet Four? Why was Eddie chasing him?

Still from Iron Maiden's Final Frontier Photograph: YouTube

More importantly, why did Eddie kill Cleaner Six if he only intended to explode Planet Four anyway, thus achieving the goal Cleaner Six had outlined for himself at the beginning of the film? Also, why is the sound track to the film so annoyingly 80s metal-ish and Iron Maiden-y?

The main question is not "why is a middle-aged hair-metal band attempting to out-blockbuster summer in a commendably thrilling and perhaps even successful way?" (Have you seen The A-Team?). The main question is this: can't Cleaners and Zombie Skeletons work together to make things work, just for once? And really – really – would it be so weird for Eddie the Head to appear in a more cuddly, mascot-like disguise every now and then? What about a giant badger with hearts on its tummy? Would that be so anti-metal?

No. Not in the age of Twilight and the huggable undead. No it wouldn't.

So, in conclusion: money almost well spent. But either spend more and go for a five-act plot, or spend less and give up the idea of plot altogether. Trust Pops: no one in your fan base will care as long as the guitars are as loud as they were hoping*.