When you’re young, it’s all too easy to get in with the wrong crowd; whether that’s the cool kids smoking ciggies behind the bike-sheds, or, I don’t know, Hezbollah. Come on, guys - we’ve all been young once!

It’s general knowledge that Jeremy Corbyn is a crazy, terrorist-sympathising, sandal-wearing loon, or at least his political rivals and the right-wing press seem to want us to think so. They never fail to unearth dubious connections that JC has made over the years. Well, now we’ve done our own research and discovered the truth behind Jezza’s activist past - over the years, just which dangerous groups has this maniac supported?

Veggies

Before there was Hamas, there was hummus. Jeremy Corbyn has been a known vegetable apologist for many years. This sick lunatic has been spotted on numerous occasions straying well beyond his five-a-day, and even going so far as to genuinely enjoy quinoa. Our investigation shows he spends his days playing hacky-sack with bongo-players and white guys with dreadlocks. If you ever want to spot Jezza in north London, just seek out your local dealer of drugs (street-name: wacky tobacconist), and Corbyn will doubtless be nearby...

Arsenal

This dangerous group, known to some as “The Gunners”, have been associates of Corbyn for many years. Armed to the teeth with diminutive attacking midfielders, they were feared throughout north London until recently, but are now thankfully viewed as a fading force. Perhaps even worse than Arsenal themselves, are this radicalised group’s fanatical followers, who will stop at nothing to whinge about coming in 5th place. Always be cautious and vigilant of their attacks - they can be almost silent, especially at the Emirates Stadium. However, if you do hear their fearsome war-cry of “Wenger Out”, then your only option is run. Forget your loved ones. Leave behind your defenceless children. Just run. And pray. Pray to your gods that you won’t have to face the gruesome fate of all: listening to them moan and reminisce about when they last won the league.

Simply Red

Back in the early 90s, Corbyn was on the hunt for radical left-wing groups. Confused by their misleading name, Jezza briefly joined the band Simply Red, playing backing keyboard for 18 months before realising his mistake. However, since his departure from the group, Corbyn has endured a tumultuous relationship with lead-singer, Mick Hucknall. Last year, the ginger crooner labelled Jezza a “spineless coward” for his limp stance on Brexit. This animosity is thought to date back to their days on the road together. Hucknall was allegedly in a constant jealous rage over Corbyn’s unmatched ability to pull the most groupies and snort a dangerous amount of gak, earning the Labour leader the nickname the “Socialist Scarface” - a name which endures to this day.

Emo kids

For many years, Corbyn has clearly been pushing an emo agenda, with his endless policies promoting terrible fringes, chequered wristbands, and misery. This is thought to be down to Corbyn’s “lost years” throughout the early and mid 00s, when Jezza become disillusioned with the state of the Labour Party, as well as thinking it was just, like, so unfair that his mum wouldn’t let him go out after 9pm. Although he grew out of this phase, the evidence of it is still on show in his snakebite piercing, not to mention the smiley tattoo he gave himself with a lighter after half a can of Strongbow. This dalliance with emo culture is also thought to be the primary reason that, to this day, the Shadow Cabinet is still full of members of Panic! at the Disco.

N.W.A.

The N.W.A., or “The Gentlemen of Colour with Attitude” as they are now known, famously took Corbyn under their wing during the height of their popularity. Before Jezza’s successful stint in Simply Red, he spent some time spitting mad bars on the streets of Compton with Dr Dre and Eazy-E. Christened by the mandem as “Ice Corb”, he tore up the Westside with his sick rhymes about industrialised mining towns, as well as various anti-Thatcher diss tracks. His reign of terror came to a bitter end when he was muscled out of the group by Ice Cube, creating a beef between them which lasts to this day - making it officially the only thing Ice Cube and Mick Hucknall have in common.

The “IRA”

No matter what his supporters may say, Jeremy Corbyn is a known defender of the atrocities committed by the Italian Renaissance Association. Controversially favouring Raphael over Michelangelo, the Italian Renaissance Association were a dangerous group of art-loving terrorists, who targeted rival critics and painted vicious frescos of their enemies. Often associated with them in the past, Jeremy Corbyn still declines to this day to directly condemn the actions of this abominable group, recently refusing to single the “IRA” out for their actions and instead proclaiming that “all oil-based murals are bad”. This vague response has failed to assuage many people’s anger, and only further confirms speculation that Corbyn’s bid to become Prime Minister may be undermined by his non-committal stance on these sick painting-loving bastards.

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