Day 19: How did you feel the moment you became a parent?

February 27, 2014

Well, I didn’t feel like a parent. Maybe if I had slept at all in the previous 36 hours, I would have felt more emotion? I don’t know. I cried a little, partly with awe you were finally here, partly with relief. I must have felt a hundred things at once, but it felt like I was experiencing everything in space. I’m attributing that to my tired delirium. And pain meds.

The nurses took you to the mini-station in our room almost immediately because your heart rate had dropped for a bit toward the end. (They almost rushed me to OR a couple times.) I was so curious to catch a glimpse of you. Appa was next to you as the nurses took your Apgar score a couple times. The first time it was low, the second time it was much better. Appa then ran back to me and said, “He has your brother’s eyes.” (Which turned out to be inaccurate kind of.) I hadn’t really seen you at this point. I was so eager to hold you, but I also wanted to make sure you were okay.

The nurse was stitching me up (thanks for the episiotomy, baby boy!), and then finally — finally — they put you in my arms. I couldn’t believe it. And yet I was surprised that I wasn’t sobbing with all the euphoria and love of motherhood. It was surreal.

You were precious, but you also felt like a stranger. You weren’t a bump anymore. You were … you. And I had no idea what I was doing. And motherhood wasn’t intuitive or instinctive for me. I had to learn.

But 9.5 months later, I know you as well as I can at this point. And I’m your umma! And I love you! In fact, after you go down to bed each night, appa and I have dinner together and recount all the things you did that day. Then we both agree you are sooo cute! and that we want to bite something really hard because you’re so cute! Which in parent speak means we love you a biteably lot.

… Your appa just texted me from upstairs saying I should go to bed, so here’s an abrupt THE END!