There were times when I laughed about it, snuggled with it and maybe even found myself infatuated with it. Just a little. Mother dearest always said that the ladies were catty, conniving and (for want of a better word beginning with ‘c’) manipulative, but now I know that the she-devil’s true name is Procrastination. Not woman, sorry Will.

I haven’t posted anything here for so long that I feel guilty. I really should post here, otherwise my somewhat lacking literary skills will diminish and die altogether. I will come back. I swear. It’s almost as though I’m the reformed alcoholic father coming back after all this time to wish you a happy birthday. I’m a terrible person. I know. Forgive me.

On a somewhat unrelated (yet quite connected if you’re a clever dumpling) note, I have a request of you, oh mysterious, invisible force. Will it make a difference whether you respond or not? Yes, because behind this plain font is young chap with trembling fingers and an easily influenced mind. For example, a lighthearted conversation with my mother today resulted in me agreeing to start taking piano lessons.

If I am monkey, the most yellow of bananas must be the love of my life. Although, a tailed primate must wonder – when that banana is found, what comes next? What does a monkey aspire to become?

Call me a monkey, call me a man. Actually, this could go against the stereotypical fibre of what it is to be a man, so scratch the second choice. The fishing trip will have to be postponed brothers, because this monkey is looking for an upgrade.

So self improvement isn’t the goal here. Rather, what do you do when the world (as you know it) is not enough? Do you take to the tux like Pierce Brosnan and have a final showdown with the villain in a nuclear sub?

Another inspired conclusion is to cook. Yes folks, I just watched Julie & Julia. J&J – remove a fishing hook, input a ‘P’ with a dash of Vitamin B and you’ve got yourself a tasty sandwich filler. Poor wit aside, the film was a bit interesting and even say it isn’t so surprising. By the end, I was left wondering what my ‘Julia’ is. Or who? Probably what, though. Honestly, considering that monkeys were my favourite animal as a boy, along with bats, it’s hard to think of something that a monkey would aspire to be.

You might say, “Don’t you mean it’s hard to think of someone..?” but let me throw out a net to catch you right there. As everything in the wonderfully organised universe stands, it would be impossible to imagine that person. Let’s face it: humans have got issues while teenage boys have got tissues. Yes, I’m deep and I’ll be here all night, folks. People do things that they’re not proud of, which means that they have pride in the first place. It’s a strange mechanic that makes little sense to me, amongst the clutter of others. Take Julia – was she all she was meant to be and more? Well, depending on whether you’ve read the book or seen the movie, you tell me. I’m sure you know people light years ahead of me, though remember, I am but a simple monkey. I don’t need anything to be perfect because that’s not a path that a monkey should have to take.

Here’s my proposition: you, if you exist, come up with a suggestion for how I could better spend my time or just fill in the time that I waste now. You could even offer some kitchen ideas. The sheer possibilities!

Until that time, I will be attempting to enter the intimidating world of home cooking. No legs were pulled in the making of this production.

Give it a little sugar, or some form of sweetener (natural beats artificial) because here on the grand interconnected webs we’re all neighbours.

Ever feel excited? No? You poor human. I’d like to say I can help, but I’m quite clumsy and it might just end with your terrible haircut and me sobbing in corner of a hot-air balloon (in that basket thing.) What I can do, however, is feel the thrill for you while you act it out.

Here’s something (amongst many, possible everything) that I am not an expert at. Consider what I’m doing at this very moment, as I start this post: I’m listening to Savage Garden’s Affirmation album, wondering why the title track reminds me of Friends so much. Not to mention the ‘The Animal Song’ – every time, it’s just waiting in anticipation to explode into ‘I Just Can’t Wait to be King’ from Disney’s The Lion King.

It's because of this that I no longer own a bicycle

I’m always up for a monumental number of blasts from the past, but it’s better to keep one’s head (and preferably every physical part of them) in the present. Right?

I am, which isn’t exactly conducive to the study I should be doing, but you know what? You can go shove your judgment into a pocket and keep it for some real life situation where someone will care. That’s the best kind of judgment.

Anyway, this one’s just a short post before I actually attempt to study for tomorrow’s test (on a Saturday – a Saturday) which I should, at this point in time and logically speaking (with a side dish of whipped whips), fail. Yet I won’t because, well you know how it is, I don’t want the risk of ever having to take a subject more than once. Ever.

There’s a new (but not actually) popular kid on the block and they mean srs bidnezz serious business. It (because man nor woman would do it justice) has no real special talents that we admire and yet we still find ourselves craving its presence. Many, including myself, have claimed to loathe it, but eventually we submit to its alluring charms.

There’s a saying that every cloud has a silver lining. I assume that it refers to a grey cloud, because too many people enjoy interpreting the various forms of the ordinary yet undeniably happy assortment. If you think about it, silver is grey with a little sheen. Not even. I’m sure that raw silver isn’t terribly attractive.
Pretty colours aside, here’s the point – why not try manipulating a negative to turn your frown upside down? The math isn’t as difficult as you’d think and this is coming from someone who spent a week celebrating never having to learn the art of numbers again, only to find out that they would have to continue and revert back to basics in university.

Being socially apt is natural to many and I’m often confronted by disbelief and admiration something in the absence of sympathy when I let slip to my dear fans that I am not the most articulate of people. No, that’s not putting it the right way. My articulation varies depending on the situation, which I’m sure applies to many who hide behind handles and other kinds of masks on the internet.

Oh, the metaphor

Take it from me, anyone can sound like a clever prat as long as they are tapping away on a keyboard. I would know. Give one as much time to respond with as little pressure as possible and you’ve got yourself someone who can seem like a completely capable human being.