Aunty Bella: Mrs. Tomboy Daughter

Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

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This comment was posted by a mother of six. It has only been edited for grammar.

I have a girl after 5 boys! I was so eager to have a girl. Now she is 13 but truly she does not like to dress up, cute things, make up, nail polish etc… She is my opposite. She has long hair but nice eyebrows and long eyelashes… (but) she is not interested in dressing up, nail polish, girly things.

She is an honor roll student, plays soccer for her school and lately when she started menstruating… She is no longer close to me! When I was pregnant with her, I decorated her room, my husband and I bought all kind of stuff, the boys were so thrilled finally they had a sister. Even when I traveled for my work sometimes I buy her stuff, I even buy her Victoria Secret teenager bras, panties (no string though) but regular panties, last time I gave her $300 just to shop for school. You know what she said? “I don’t want to shop.” Then one of her brothers told her how lucky she was to have a mum like me and even having $300 just to shop, she took the money and said, “I will pay you back.” I was in Dubai on a meeting bought her beautiful earrings, and a chain with a small diamond pendant… She put it in her drawer…. I found it and took it back. She does not talk to me much. But the boys are so close to me.

When I asked her if she got her period..like how our mothers used to do in the old days, her eyes become red, because she said nobody does that, and as for her friends, their mothers don’t ask them that. I told her we’re Africans, and she has never been like that.

She was so close to me, even at 12 she used to ask me to read bedtime stories for her.. When she got her period she never told me. EVEN THOUGH I told her about periods.. She hid it until I found out in the bathroom, and told her how mad I was. All this bleeds my heart. My sister told me, “She will change when she turns 18!” I never had a girl and she is the only girl. My husband said it’s because she does not have a sister – like an older sister, but I am her mother…

Sometimes I cry… I come to her room, talk to her. The moment I sit there to talk she takes a long sigh. And takes deep breaths like I am bothering her.. She told me she will go to college faraway and not the Ivy League my husband graduated from and the one the boys went to. Though her brothers are quite older than her but it is (like) the same group…

She does not do like normal teenage girls… Going to the mall or movies with her friends. She said the last time she wanted to go to the movies I have asked one of the boys to chaperone her, and because of that she is no longer interested….

Jackie pls. As far as I am concerned, you do not have a problem. She I just 13 and might turn out diffident in her early 20s. Maybe you should look for other ways to communicate with her. But on another note, try &find out if she went tru or is going tru any form of abuse…

Just give her some space and you and her father give her the much needed sex education, loaded with the dangers of STD’s and protection if she chooses to engage or abstinence if she chooses not to. African parents like forcing themselves on kids. Some kids don’t like that. Just give her space and she will come around. She is not a tomboy, she just wants her independence from all of you. She probably thinks you don’t trust her to do things on her own. Explain that the chaperoning is for her safety. Explain that a period is a right to passage for any woman and if her brother’s have been teasing her or she is afraid of being teased that she should not mind them. I also hope you are not a tattle tale mother. Who tells the whole family about each other’s private issues or secrets. Seems to me like she may not trust you to keep secrets or confidence.

I feel for the mother. Many parents go through this, especially when the children hit teenage years. The teens feel like parents don’t understand them and the parents find it hard to communicate.

It may be useful to look at the situation from your daughter’s perspective. Imagine there was something you couldn’t stand and your mum kept bringing it to you over and over again as a way of bonding. Not every girl must like make-up and jewellery- just like not every boy has to play sports. We are all individuals. Instead of trying to bond with your child using the idea of how you think she should be, find out what she actually likes. You might be able to devise activities you can do together based on her interests or find ways to support those interests and that’s how bonding begins.

In most cases, phases like these pass and I hope that is the case for you.

Na wa ooo! Pastor???Is it ever that serious?
I was a tomboy just like the lady’s daughter but eventually changed. When I got my first period at 12/13, I didn’t tell my mum either. She only found out cause my aunt discovered. I’m pretty sure I would’ve been a little distant/rebellious towards my mum as well if I went to day school. But I went to a boarding school, so it gave me a chance to actually miss/be grateful for her. Your daughter will turn out just fine, just don’t push it too much.

Just as an after thought… Your situation may improve if you didn’t see your daughter’s individuality as being “abnormal”. Your reference to her not being like “normal” teenage girls and hoping other people’s daughters don’t turn out like her are quite extreme considering you’ve implied that she’s focused and intelligent (being am honour roll student). Looking at the positive things your daughter does instead of focusing on your disappointment about her not being girly enough could do wonders for your relationship.

@Omoobanta, I never hated my mom at any age. Like the first commenter said, try to find out what is making her withdraw and have a heart to heart talk with her free of drama. By free of drama I mean no tears from you or emotional blackmail or shouting. Tell her you’re there for her ,proud of her, she’s beautiful and let her be. She doesn’t have to be so girly at this age,i know tomboys who are now so girly. Allow her to develop at her own pace but most important listen to her; her words, actions,body language, really listen. Maybe she was bullied or she thinks she isn’t as pretty as the girls she admires in school and so has decided there’s no point trying or with the onset of her period she feels she’ll be forced to grow up and become a woman and she’s not ready yet.. With time, love and patience she’ll definitely come round. Goodluck

First Pretti, as much as i am a christian, this has nothing to do about introducing Jesus to the girl! Jeez, she’s a teenager with raging hormones. this is definitely a phase that she will outgrow in a few years.
to the poster, try to engage her as much as you can and let her know you’re always available whenever she decides to reach out to you. don’t make a huge deal about issues around her and rem she probably dint tell you about her period because its embarrassing to her not cos she wanted to lie about it or not tell you.

Really, the best you can do is to continue to be her MUM… trust me she loves you but she just needs to find her feet

She is just going through some teenage stuff.. she will come around..just keep praying for her…you will be shocked to find out how much she loves you.just be patient and give it some time. Dont stop fulfilling your motherly duties and showing her love okay.

Hi Madam, in my teenage years my mother despaired of me. I refused to cook, clean or become “domestic”. We had nothing to talk about. Fast forward to now, we are best of friends and I find myself doing all the stuff she struggled so hard to teach me.

My advice – stop the pressure. If your daughter feels you want her to be a certain way, she will rebel, because she will feel that she cannot meet those expectations.

Stop looking for a barbie – your daughter isn’t one. Ask her what she likes and get her those. Books, sports stuff, trainers…before you go shopping, go online, have her point out what she wants.

Also, make sure that there isn’t something going on with her that she’s having trouble dealing with. Don’t come out and ask -she won’t answer you. Find out which of her brothers she is closest to, and have him ask her. If she is close to her father, that”s awesome. Let them spend time together.

Finally, understand this. You are an awesome mother, the fact that she doesn’t want to talk to you now doesn’t make you less of one. Lift her up in prayer, stop asking her questions or pushing, but present an open front if she ever initiates conversation. Give her your expectations for her behaviour and then leave her.

You might have wanted a super feminine girl, but God gave you this one because He knew that you are what she needs, and she is what you need. Let go of those dreams and accept the beautiful reality growing up in your house. One day, you both will look back on this time and smile.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter take it from someone who grew up a loner and didn’t want much to do with her mum when I was younger. I mean I didn’t hug my mum + I forced open all the gold earrings she bought for me and misplaced them until my mum stopped buying them for me at age 11. My mum could not understand Why I didn’t want to wear earrings.

The greatest gift my parents gave me was to let me be myself – they questioned me a few times but they left me alone more often than not. Your daughter probably doesn’t know how she’s behaving – I didn’t know i was a loner, I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t wear make up until I was 18 and nail polish until I was 17. Does that make me any less female? I think not. Till this day I much prefer staying by myself, because that’s genuinely who I am. I’m grateful my parents left me alone when I was younger and didn’t force me to be outgoing.

The best thing you can do if you want a better relationship with your daughter is to relate with her on her level ie find something you both like and can enjoy together instead of forcing the stereotypical girly things on her. I can understand that you desire to do girly things with her but you can’t force your wants on her. We are all individuals which means we are all different.

If your daughter doesn’t want to be chaperoned to the cinema then let her sit at home. Don’t forget that you are a parent first, don’t let your desire to be close to her cause you to yield to her will. I remember what I heard happened in cinemas when I was 13 I can only imagine what happens these days.

don’t worry, more likely than not, a time will come when the both of you will be close or at least closer than you are now.

Bless your heart for trying so hard…. it is super clear you had special expectations about a female child…hence the trying after 5 boys….it is NOT a bad thing to want that….. But what I believe is happening is that your babybgirl clearly is at a peculiar developmental stage-the freaky teenage years- where she is trying to fight for her identity as she is becoming a woman herself.

As much as you believe she should understand you have only the best intentions, truth is she might not…for a very long time… so I would implore you to approach her from a place of understanding….not judgement…understanding, while maintaining a balance between asserting authority and showing love, even from a distance. If she insists on being closer to daddy (which is largely the case) -let her, but daddy must have your back as far as she is concerned…. that means he points her to you when certain decisions need to be made, and he willl be there for her if and when need be. Make time to understand her interests, and support what you feel comfortable with..(dont panic and try to over compensate by forming ‘bestie’…you’re her mother, she has friends)…. I believe if she feels accepted, a lot of communication will be easier. The worst thing is to compare your child with expectations you have developed based on other people’s experience s…its like admitting you didnt do a good job with her…. and if so why should she believe you?…

Keep your eyes and ears open, embrace the person she is becoming, you can only provide guidance if u know what path she is on…the truth is that she will develop understanding with maturity, when she experience s life and begins to understand why you did certain things and you will bond…. for now, focus on protecting and celebrating her, and keep your door open for her anyday. Encourage her to always have someone to talk to, even if it isn’t you (u can suggest pple u trust)….it hurts sometimes, but trust me it has saved many.

I was once your daughter n my mum struggled… and today I will lay my life for my mum over n over again without thinking! Give it time n prayer.

It’s a phase that will fade off soon in few years.
Respect her autonomy, Continue to show her you love her, Give her personal space while being the Mom.
She’s still young. She will grow up to be drawn closely to you soon.
Being there.

Reading comments on bellanaija saddens my heart, why can’t you love ur child irrespective of their behaviour, she isn’t stealing or going into crime, she plays sports that can lead to a scholarship for college, why can’t you be afraid, you are afraid ur daughter is a lesbian, so?what is the big deal. People are people, u can’t force they to follow the so called norms of society(girls are suppose to like flowers and pink etc and boys are suppose to like football and video games)

@Bruno does your family including your parents know you’re gay? When you told them did they give you a big hug and say we always wanted a gay son. We’re so happy that dream has become a reality?

Every human being has expectations. You have an expectation of your lover,that is how parents have expectations of their children. I can imagine how she dreamed when she was pregnant after 5 boys of her little princess and she has every right to feel bad that her dreams seem not to be coming through. Feeling disheartened doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her daughter. Love for your child is something so strong you can’t even imagine.

So you had to make this about your stupidity as well?? ‘Cause I don’t know what you understand about motherhood apart from the terrible job your mother obviously did, Ebola, you’re there, Boko Haram you are, celebrity gossip, you are there. Won fi shey e ni? Did you get dumped in front of an orphanage as a child, developed have abandonment issues and now just want any form of attention?? or did your just get access to internet and can’t stop tying or what?? oooooo!! wait, i think someone is STILL sexually assaulting you and you don’t know how to get help….is this your way of reaching out? whatever your problem is, deal with it. I don’t have a issues with trolls, y’all think you’re special but you’re a dime a dozen, just check yahoonews, huffington post or dang!! lindakeji, you boku for there.
1st and last time I’d ever respond to your attention seeking ass.

If you don’t see the relevance of Bruno’s contribution here, then that’s really your own deficiency. What he has said is that her child might be gay or she may not and that the poster just needs to get rid of her expectations of what people of a certain gender should be like.
If you’re peeved at his inability to keep out of the comments, you’re free to ignore them. BN moderates comments for a reason and as long as he isn’t breaking any of their codes, then he is as free as anyone to comment as many times as he likes.

pls can some one explain that “we are africans” what does that even mean and define what a “normal teenage girl is” I never behaved like other boys and my father and mother beat me on a daily bases (I never stole, my lowest position in school was 11st, I kept the house clean etc) until I was old enough and I started fighting/defending ma self, if you know u can’t love ur child irrespective of their behaviour then u are not qualified to have kids, ur a bad mother.

Your first problem is thinking your daughter should be a mini you & like what you do! She is not, you need to accept and understand her individuality, get involved in activities she likes not what you expect/want her to like. If she’s into football great, be her biggest cheerleader not label her abnormal because she doesn’t like the girly things you do.
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Get to know the person she is not the person you want her to be.
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If you don’t you’ll be forever miserable.

Dear Jackie,
I think it’s a normal teenage tantrum phase. Your daughter also sounds like a really shy person. If you have a younger niece or family friend she’s kinda close to…..someone in her late teens or early twenties. She may be more comfortable with the person and relate better to them. But keep trying what you are doing with less pressure though……..I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Awkward Moments- click my name to read more

Like most pple stated, give her some space.Sometimes, kids get bored with the whole talk issue.Even as an adult, when my mum calls sometimes and keeps talking about marriage and all, i get reallly exhausted and bored, how much more when a teen is pressured about petty issues.
I think she’s trying to find herself. Stop trying 2 make her into the image of a daughter you have in your head, start accepting her for who she is.pple change and grow when they are accepted…Even in her tomboyish outfit, tell her she looks good nd great in it..

Also, a parent you have to be three in one, a friend, a parent and a spiritual leader.God is our father, leader, and a friend…..From all you have said, you are acting lik a parent, there are days you need to act lik a friend, a friend listens to you ,doesn’t dictate to you, accepts you for who you are and will stand by you at all odds. So start learning to be her friend, and taking your ground as a parent when the need be.You will ending up losing her if you always want to have your way, find out what she likes, buy it for her.Find out her hobbies, engage in it with her…She might outgrow some of this traits,when you let her be,but if you insist on changing her by force,she will keep tormenting you knowing what she does is getting to you, but when she knows you are not affected, she will cool down a bit…..

You also have to understand that the world is changing,, the media is so corrupt dis days, nd dis kids are exposed to all sort of things and all.

Finally, I will never leave out the God factor, fight for your kids and destiny on your knees, Whatever good thing you want to see in their life, keep praying, it might take time, but will surely manifest!

Bruno has said it all. Unfortunately a lot of parents are like this.
I think as other commenters have said, the writer didnt really want a daughter. She wanted a Barbie. The tone of her statements iks me to no end. Jackie sounds like she was so busy planning for what her daughter should be like that she forgot her daughter would be an actual real, live person whose views also matter.
Who are we to define what is ‘normal’ behaviour for a teenager?Just becuase she doesnt want to talk to you much or wear pink or talk about boys means shes not normal? I know jackie cares for her daughter but that sentiment is very ignorant. Even if shes a tomboy, so what? Please remeber that you chose to have a child, but you do not choose what their personality should be. There is nothing criminal in her behaviour. Try accepting her. The rest will follow.

with this comment ‘”I pray that your lovely daughter won’t turn like mine…” shows that Jackie needs more help not her daughter. Woman! you need to get ride of your misconstrued perspective about a girl-child. Like Menoword said, i was never close to my momma until 18 when my daddy’s over-protectiveness pushed me to her and i found out she is a priceless gift to humanity and right now, we are best of friends. Nuture her individuality/uniqueness while not forgetting the place of discipline, love and prayer.

o boy, leave the girl alone. you’re annoying her :). I was and I’m close to my mum but even i didn’t tell her when I got my period. the girl is trying to figure out what’s going on with all these changes. she’s probably embarrassed about them. why would she want to tell you blood is oozing out of her body. she’s a kid. in a few years now, she’ll announce the tin without shyness. you sound like a good mum but pls forget all these things you want her to enjoy and ask her what she enjoys, then do that.

Just being honest. This sounds like me and my mum a couple years ago. Don’t worry she’ll change when by 17/18. But please dot compare her to other girls- it’s the worst thing when you dot feel accepted for who you are by your parents. Don’t try to force he to spend money aswell. This is how there a bunch of young girls out here spending money like fools. Just make sure she’s responsible and well mannered. Good character is the most important thing

madam, am sorry but i don’t think your daughter is the problem here. from your accounts she is an outstanding little girl. I suggest you get your hormonal levels check. HRT works wonders for middle age crisis, you might want to spoil your husband and invest some time in your marriage. Reading your account my heart goes out to that poor child.

I can relate to this like it was yesterday… I didn’t even come close to being girly growing up, i was a tomboy mainly because, i grew up with my brothers, plus had male friends. Growing up i really wanted to stay drama free. talking to the guys was easier for me, i had the impression that guys have this vast knowledge about everything going from academics, spots, life issues, games, music, current affairs and relationship. There was always something to learn during our group conversations which i must confess undoubtedly helped me grow into the strong woman i am today

When i started my monthly flow nobody knew till my Big sis caught me trying to change my pad. I kept a lot of things to myself then because i wanted to acclimate the phase i was going through. I wanted to be a super woman, do all things by myself. I was never close to my mum considering that she always read astray meaning to things. That shoved me away from her.

My dad on the other hand was a complete opposite of my mum. He understood me and accepted me for me. Fast forward to this day, i am the most girly ever! sometimes i laugh out loud when i remember those days.
My dad is my best friend while on the other hand i am still struggling to build a relationship with my mum at 28

Just don’t pressure her, give her time to discover herself before you push her away.

I didn’t tell my mum about my period either even though she had talked to me about it as well as sexual education, and I know this really hurt her. I can remember vividly, the day she found out.

After five boys, it’s understandable why you have certain expectations about your relationship with your daughter. Even regardless of the five boys, most women want daughters that they can dress up, its not about ‘”wanting a barbie doll”, its about having a special bond with your daughter. I want a daughter that I can dress up and make look pretty every time, because she will be ‘”my baby girl””. Because me wanting to make her look pretty is one of the small ways I can channel my love for her. Besides, girls that played/play with dolls are only keying in their motherly instincts…

Also remember the sorts of comments you make, children pick up very fast on their parents openness/ acceptance of diveristy. Like everyone has said, let her be herself, don’t press too much, it might only push her further away from you. Honestly, I was the same way at 13, except the tomboy part. I wasn’t very close to my mum, I felt she couldn’t understand me. But today, she calls me “”my baby girl”” every time we speak on the phone or when we see. I’m 24 and I love being called her baby girl.

From a ex crazy teenager, there’s nothing wrong with your girl…its just hormones jare. Your case is even easy, at least she has her dad, mine had passed and that left my mum totally gutted. She had raised 2 other female teenagers and none of them were as gloomy and crazy as I was. It got so bad she even had to arrange an intervention with one of my friends mums, ’cause she thought my friend was obviously doing better and her mum must have been doing an awesome job and might get through to me,…my sister, abeg guess which one of us kids turned out to be a whore (no exaggeration) at 16?? So don’t stress yourself! you could have bigger problems that this, just have her dad get close to her….Her teenage years are not about you or your feelings, it’s about her. So if she’s more comfortable with guys, let her dad and brothers hang out with her. They can go play soccer together on sundays, bowling or other (physical) activities…. she might be feeling a little out of place in the family now that her body is changing but she’ll be a-okay, parent/child relationships are like every other kind, you can’t force someone to be with you. All you can do is try and raise her right, all this money you are dashing her may not be healthy though…just saying.

My daughter is 8 going on 9 and It is quite the opposite for me. She is the girliest girl ever. A softy at heart and a “cry baby ” which irks me a lot. She is so clingy to me and wants to spend every time she has with me but i usually do not have that much time or patience to interact with her as much as she would want. Hmmm…this is an eye opener for me o. Will she change and become distant as she enters her teen years? I better start building a closer relationship with my girl.

Having said that, in life we cannot always get what we want at the same time. Like most people have said, let her be who she is. She will one day understand that all you did was out of love but for now, just try and ease into her space without being desperate and forceful.

Your daughter is fine as some have already stated. I honestly went through this phase. I completely disliked my mother my teenage years. we had nothing in common and it was just hard but honestly as she grows she will learn to love you and you will learn to accept her. Just don’t push her to do anything she does not have interest in. Trust me when i say she will come around. I talk to my mum almost everyday now and we don’t even live in the same country. Just don’t stop loving her. Things will work out and those years will go by quick so let her be you will look back and laugh one day TRUST ME.

I don’t know if I am reading the same thing that other people are. Because what I see here is a case of a mum with narcissistic tendencies who just wants to live again through this small girl, who goes to VS to shop for their 13 year olds. Madam which level you dey. A grown up ass woman like yourself with 5 children talking this nonsense you ought to be ashamed abeg you are way out of order. Your idea of bonding with your child is buying lingerie for her at VS and throwing money at her, complaining that she’s not normal. It is you who is not normal. . How about supporting her in her own interest. You are going to damage this child.

Lool@ throw lingerie and money at a 13 year old. That is soo many levels of wrong. That’s what a sugar daddy does to a whore, . It’s a good thing the little girl has more sense than her daft mama. It just shows this girl can’t be bought with money. Madam you might learn a thing or two from your daughter. Stop teaching your child whorish ways, teach her to love if you can.

She’s just being a teenager! I was a “tomboy” around that age. Always playing with my brothers but as I got into highschool and I saw how my girlfriends acted, I got into it. And now I love being girly! She will grow out of it. Also I suggest that her dad (your husband) should be close to her (form a strong bond with her), Show her how to be a lady and how a lady should be treated and so on. And she will catch on. Best thing that could happen to a teenage girl.

This comment by Kina captures everything there is to say on this matter!
madam, am sorry but i don’t think your daughter is the problem here. from your accounts she is an outstanding little girl. I suggest you get your hormonal levels check. HRT works wonders for middle age crisis, you might want to spoil your husband and invest some time in your marriage. Reading your account my heart goes out to that poor child.

I feel compelled to respond to ur worries ma. I didn’t like my parents for the most part of my growing up years (esp my mum). Now that I think about it, I guess I didn’t fit d image of d kinda child she wanted. My parents love me. I wz an only child. A terrible loner. But ryt now, we r best buddies. I think we began to understand ourselves better when I hit 18. Give it time. Your daughter may turn out girlie at d end or not. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is you have a responsible daughter and you should make her understand u love her and will always be there for her

dont worry, she will come around. I was like that with my mum, being an only girl to with 3 boys behind. My mum was also like this with this period thing and i really got irrritated and angry whenever she asks m such. But now, we just very very close, she even told m how she was always begging indirectly for me to get close to her and howi always shunned her. didnt even realize i was doing that. Just dont loose your grip in giving her a good upbringing no matter how obstinate and resentful she is or putting up. its a phase and it will pass.

Well, Bruno has said it all. Thanks Bruno, I hope we have a chat someday. I need more friends like you cos I’m tired of the small minded people around me. I am a victim of family/society. I used to be a tomboy and my family hated it so I dolled up but guess what? I hate it! Been girly doesn’t help, it’s like I’m living someone else’s life. Thanks Bruno for your comments. You just saved my life. I’m the girl that’s running off right this minute to live her life as herself and not some version of what everybody wants me to be. Thanks once again. To you ma’am, love your daughter and accept her as she is. Ask her what she wants and stand by her. Support her and NEVER compare her to someone else’s child. Trust me, having a tomboy as a child is cool. Think of it as a girl that doubles as a boy. Two birds with one stone eh? For those that think she needs Jesus, all she needs is love. I hate how Nigerians look at everything from a religious view. Its sickening!