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From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1182
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=== 1182 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1182
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2000 12:54:08 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1182
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1177 66 votes 9elg6 6bsf6 5iog3 cqk62 2ks97 ddhe9 39phc bgma7 6ene9 cdhf9
1177 2.9 mean 2.9 3.1 2.9 2.4 3.0 2.9 3.4 2.8 3.1 2.9
--- 1182-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Evolutionary Oracle,
>
> Today I saw the award winning National Geographic Special "Mysteries of
> Mankind." Not for the first time! I had seen it before and I watched it
> again. And I undrestood it, every time I watched it. Well, almost
> understood it, till I digged into the meaning of Australopithecus, Homo
> habilis, Homo erectus and Homo sapiens.
>
> What bothers me is that, where am I supposed to watch and how am I
> supposed to understand the "Mysteries of Womankind?"
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, supplicant, here's the deal. Mankind's mysteries really aren't
} all that mysterious. Certainly not enough to warrant an entire TV
} special. I mean, just look:
}
} 1. Beer
} 2. Sports (football for the US, ice hockey for Canada, soccer for the
} rest of the world)
} 3. Barbecues
} 4. Belching
} 5. Playboy (or, for geeks, booth girls at E3)
}
} As for Womankind, that's a whole 'nother can of worms. The entire
} script for "Mysteries of Womankind" would overload the world's email
} servers, so I will give you some pointers towards figuring the
} mysteries out yourself.
}
} I suggest hanging out in your local shopping mall on a weekend,
} preferably a weekend right before a holiday. Stroll around the various
} stores, making sure to linger around any store with "Victoria" in the
} name or jewelry in the display cases.
}
} Eavesdrop on those blissful couples, walking hand-in-hand, and decode
} the Mysteries of Womankind using the following examples as a guide:
}
} WHAT SHE SAYS: [looking at some shoes] "Oh, those look nice!"
} MYSTERY REVEALED: "I'm going to go in this store for 2 hours, try on
} every color of 4 styles, make sure they match at least 45% of my
} wardrobe, finally buy a pair, and then a week later, complain about how
} the heels make my feet hurt."
}
} WHAT SHE SAYS: [looking at some lingerie] "Oh, this looks nice!"
} MYSTERY REVEALED: "I know you get off on lingerie, but I'm too insecure
} to wear any of the fancy or skimpy stuff, so I'll let you fantasize
} while I go buy a bath robe. And if you ever suggest I actually WEAR
} that skimpy lingerie, I'll kill you."
}
} WHAT SHE SAYS: [looking at rings in a display case] "Oh, this looks
} nice!" MYSTERY REVEALED: "If you love me, you'll buy me the most
} expensive thing here. And no, I won't get you anything in return.
} It's YOUR job to blow tons of money on ME."
}
} Take pity on the poor fellows (i.e., saps) who sit in the store, or
} hang around outside the entrance, thinking "I know she'll be out any
} minute now...."
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the 2197 Victoria's Secret Catalog
} (special Mars/Venus edition).
--- 1182-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who can calculate diminishing-value depreciation
> schedules in his head, pray tell me ....
>
> If the company I work for was run by Satan, what differences would I
> notice ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 10) Name of your work site changed from 7-11 to 13-666
} 09) Self serve Slurpees replaced by serf applied herpes
} 08) Free pack of cigarettes with each gallon of milk
} 07) Gas pumps catch on fire when unbaptized buy less than
} 10 dollars worth
} 06) Snappy red suits with tails replace whatever you want
} with a cheaply uniformish shirt over it
} 05) Girlie magazines kept on same rack as candy
} 04) Free case of American beer to all that put an X in
} blood on 'IOU' written in Sumerian
} 03) "All Shoplifters will be Congratulated" sign on door
} 02) Free donuts to cops policy stops
} 01) Muzak replaced by NIN
--- 1182-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, yes! That feels so good! Don't stop!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} \CRACK!\
} The whip leaves another deep weal in the supplicant's back.
}
} > Please! More!
}
} Zadoc! I hate it when you bring in these masochists. Stick this one
} in the lava pool until morning, then send it home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a week at the Spa at Mt St Helens.
--- 1182-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle, you are so great
> You give me wise words on a plate
>
> My question is this:
>
> Twinkle twinkle, little star
> How I wonder what you are
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Twinkle Twinkle little star,
} How I wonder what you are,
} Up above the world so high,
} Gaining brightness in the sky,
} Twinkle Twinkle little star
} How I wonder what you are.
}
} Twinkle twinkle little star,
} Now you're brighter, by far,
} Hurtling through the outer void,
} Like a stony asteroid,
} Twinkle, twinkle little star
} How I wonder what you are.
}
} Twinkle twinkle now it's clear,
} You are coming very near,
} I can see your shape in fact,
} As I brace for the impact,
} Twinkle twinkle little star
} How I (BANG !)
}
} You owe The Oracle a bunker and 3 years supply of canned goods.
--- 1182-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> All bow before the Oracle who plows the fields of possibilities
> armed with the perception and a damn fine vocabulary to pick out
> significant details from life and digest them into something clever,
> wise and emotional. The Oracle is smart!
>
> I'm just starting college, could you, Oh Wise Oracle, please share
> with me some insights that will help me through my college years?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 1. Certain beers are cheap for a reason.
} 2. Regularly vacuuming the frat house carpet pays off the first time
} you pass out on it.
} 3. Plagarism is only wrong if you get caught.
} 4. Getting a cute puppy and walking it close to the girls dorm can
} really pay off.
} 5. When you're three-quarters through a bar crawl, a wheelchair can
} really help.
} 6. A college student can subsist on brown rice and beer for at least
} three semesters.
} 7. Ask your TA about the best places to download porn off the
} internet.
} 8. Half dozen cans of whipped cream: $6.95
} One jar of maraschino cherries: $1.95
} One forty-something-ish hooker: $50.00 ($100 if you want "full
} service")
} The look on the dean's face when he realizes the "sundae" you're
} eating happens to be married to him: Priceless.
} 9. For an endless supply of quality term papers, click on
} http://www.cheatsheets.net.
} 10. Plagerism is a bad thing only if you get caught doing it.
} 11. College women grade sexual performance on a curve, so you know what
} you need to do.
}
} You owe the Kegicle an oregger.
--- 1182-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mmm, you're so yummy.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dear Contestant,
}
} Thanks for your submission to the "Write our Oracle Crisps Cereal
} Advertising Slogan" contest. Our contest ended 9/01/2000 and boasted
} 1,756 entries, all of which captured the true spirit of what we
} all feel when we enjoy a delicious bowl of Oracle Crisps Cereal,
} with its frosted corn heartiness and marshmallow surprises in the
} shapes of your favorite Oracularities characters (Pink Lisas, Yellow
} Orries, Orange Zadocs, Brown Ogs, Green Kendais, and of course,
} Rainbow-Colored Kinzlers). The winners and their slogans are:
}
} 3rd: "The Oracle bids you eat him." (Steve VanLandingham, Norwalk, CT)
} 2nd: "You owe the Oracle a crunch-r-riffic bowl a day!" (M. Connie Hood,
} Cookeville, TN)
} 1st: "*ZOT* *ZOT* Dee-licious!" (Joe Eszterhas, Hollywood, CA)
}
} If you are a winner, congratulations! If not, please keep enjoying
} Oracle Crisps Cereal, and watch the coupon section of your local
} newspaper for upcoming announcements for slogan contests for other
} Oracularities merchandise (including the new Oracle Swiffs(tm) dusting
} cloths, Oracle-in-a-Drum Omnipotent Floor Cleanser, and Orrie's "Crack
} This Open" R-Rated Fortune Cookies).
}
} Sincerely,
} Brin Sneed
} Marketing Coordinator
} Oracle Merchandising Industries, Inc.
--- 1182-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Exploratory Oracle, you know all the best places!
>
> After the Space Station gets built and Mars colonization starts, I want
> to be a Cowboy On Mars. I want to have a cattle ranch there, and raise
> an appropriate breed. I was thinking that Black Angus or perhaps
> Dexters would be good, as the black colour would allwo them to soak up
> more heat when it's cold. But then they would radiate it away at
> night. Dexters generally have neat horns. Would that help?
>
> Or maybe sheep would be better, with that layer of wool for Natural
> Insulation and for padding when landing. Whaddya suggest?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You want to do what?
}
} I'm gonna be a spacecowboy!
}
} A space cowboy. Before I can grant you this loan I need to
} know a bit more about your business plan.
}
} Easy. I'm gonna fly a couple of cows to Mars and set up my ranch.
}
} I see. And how far away is Mars.
}
} Well because of the distance involved, and required trajectory,
} it's a trip of just over 50 milliion miles.
}
} And this trip would take.
}
} Well, current estimates say about 180 days.
}
} Ah, good. Let's do some math then. How many heads of cattle
} are you planning to bring?
}
} Well, I'm figuring I should start with a small herd. Probably
} just start with four. Two male and two female.
}
} Good, and they weigh?
}
} About a thousand pounds each.
}
} Got it, four thousand pounds. And how much food do cows eat?
}
} About 24 pounds of grains and ruffage a day.
}
} Twenty four, times four... And how much water do you expect
} they will require?
}
} Well, since they'll be in a climate controlled environment, we
} can adjust it to just two gallons a day.
}
} Ok, a quick bit of calculations, well according to this,
} you'll be shipping 33,472 pounds.
}
} Yep, and it costs $10,000 a pound to launch 'em.
}
} Well, that means that you'll require about $334,719,500 in
} shipping and handling...
}
} And that's what I wrote down.
}
} I see, and you've added the vehicle cost here, of
} approximately...
}
} $75,000,000. I found an old Atlas on ebay.
}
} I see, and you list launch rights of..
}
} $34,000,000. I've got a cousin who has an abandoned oil platform,
} but it needs new plumbing and a paint job.
}
} That's all well and good.
}
} Plus I need $18,000,000 for ground support and maintenance crews.
}
} Yes I understand, and that brings your total to nearly $500,
} 000,000. That's a very large sum of money. What may I ask are
} you planning on using for collateral?
}
} Well, I've got a car, and my trailer.
}
} You drive a Yugo and your trailer has a tree growing through
} the back half.
}
} I also got these here shares from a feller named Gates when I got
} him out of the Arizona pokey once.
}
}
}
} And we're back. I'm Larry King and my guest is the first space
} cowboy. Tell, me, if you had to do it all again, what would you
} do differently?
}
} Well, I'd try to get some smart feller to come up with a
} space suit for a cow.
}
} You owe the oracle 800 lbs. of really expensive beef jerky.
--- 1182-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I am now working in the basement of a 27 floor building. There are no
> windows, no daylight penetrates this far down. The air is dank, the
> coffee is too. Will working down here harm me in the long term?
>
> Regards,
> Thankyou oh great one!
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> The Communication may contain copyright material of *****************
> ********************************************************, of any of
> its related entities or of third parties. If you are not the intended
> recipient of the Communication, please notify the sender immediately
> by return e-mail, delete the Communication, and do not read, copy,
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> Any views expressed in the Communication are those of the individual
> sender only, unless expressly stated to be those of *****. *****
> does not guarantee the integrity of the Communication, or that it is
> free from errors, viruses or interference.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The dank air, coffee, and lack of sunlight do not pose a health risk.
} Humans have lived in worse surroundings for centuries, and still manage
} to survive. (And even procreate - that should give you a little hope!)
}
} However, that disclaimer causes me to worry. There are approximately
} 2,127 other workers on the 27 floors above you. (I say approximately
} because Jeff is hiding in the stairwell sneaking a smoke again, and I'm
} not sure if he counts as being on your same floor, or the floor above.)
} So far the structure is able to support their weight along with the
} weight of all their furniture and equipment. But if the new mail server
} is installed on schedule, with its online archiving, the combined
} weight of all the bits in all the disclaimers in six months' worth of
} archived mail will collapse the building on top of you. And Jeff, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent disclaimer compression algorithm. You have
} five months.
--- 1182-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> TCP, or not TCP: that is the question:
> Whether 'tis nobler on the net to suffer
> The SYN and ACK of cautious flow control
> Or to leap naked into a sea of troubles,
> And with datagrams end them. To die: to live;
> Who knows? An application may keep track
> Of lost and disordered packets
> The net is heir to, 'tis a situation
> Devoutly to be shunn'd. To die, to live;
> To live: perchance to corrupt: ay, there's the rub;
> For in that corruption of data what dreams may come...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} When we have PUSH'ed of this mortal stack,
} Must give us ping, there's the FTP,
} that makes calamity of so long timeout;
} For who would bear the SIG's and ACK's of time,
} The oppressors PONG, the proud server's telnet,
} The pings of despised INETD, the web's delay,
} The insolence of client-server and the spurns
} that patient packet of the unworthy GET's,
} When he himself might his shutdown make,
} with a ping-of-death? Who would DoS bear,
} to grunt and sweat under a heavy load,
} but that the dread of something after TERM,
} The undiscovered thread from who's INIT,
} No ping returns, puzzles the telnet,
} And makes us rather bear those Windows we have,
} Than traceroute to others we know /dev/null of?
}
} You owe the Oracle the contents of /dev/null.
--- 1182-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Ofactory:
>
> I keep smelling strange smells in my house, isn't that the sign of a
> brain tumor?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes it is.
} It's fallen down the back of the kitchen bench, next to the 4 week old
} lamb-chop.
} You really should clean your kitchen now and then.
}
} You owe The Oracle a steak-and-kidney pie.