About Me

I am an adventure loving woman. Spiritual! Not religious big difference! Meeting new people is a passion of mine for each has some jewel of experience to share! I am creative and curious. I write, dance and sing badly in the car. Laughter is the music of my soul! I know though tears are the cleansing agents of our heart. A seeker of knowledge and wisdom. A great listener and can talk your ear off if we have something in common. I seek the moment of perfection that lies between birth and our first breathe...the moment of pure escatsy that is the craving of all souls! A simple complex woman am I!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Shattering the Illusion

Shattering the Illusion

The sun has been playing a childhood game of hide and seek on these hot muggy and smothering July days. These are heavy gray days when the water lives and moves within the air so thickly that you pray for the sun to come out so it will evaporate away and give you some relief. July weather like this attacks not only your physical being but zaps the strength you stored up in your mental and spiritual self. So I sit here on one of these days and write hoping that my head will stop spinning and once the words are out I can sleep.

Life has not been easy the last couple of weeks. I need to say though, it has been rewarding in senses that others would not value. Some would think me a fool for how I have reacted during this trying time. Many see security only in what lies before them, what they can touch, taste, feel. I stand now at the bottom of my deep lake watching the sun continue its childish game, my financial waters evaporating when the sun’s heat pours down around me. At the same time I am being graced with ethereal cooling waters of faith that allow me to float and open my eyes to my faults and strengths.

I am totally amazed at what I have faced but still I do not spiral into a fog of depression and hopelessness. This is highly unusual for me, astonishing is that just the reverse has happened. Hope, love and understanding have come to reign as faith deepens. Somewhere from deep inside of me there is a calm cool river of strength that continuously feeds my deep lake of life. I ask myself what has changed? Where did this come from? The only answer is from loving Morgan. This man has opened my heart, mind and soul so that I can strive to be more than even I can realize.

I find it interesting that so many have sought the fountain of youth through out time. Fountain of youth, Holy Grail so many different names for something everyone thinks is mysterious, physical and lost. I have learned that it is only one of these mysterious until you realize that it is neither physical nor lost, it is close and intimate. Love is this fountain grail that is held deep within us if only we stop running and sit in the truth of mindlessness. Once you come to know this shatter the illusion of physicality and step through the wall of fear you sip daily from that spring that feeds easily, a fountain of youth to restore your soul.

Where do I start? Two weeks ago I had 2 jobs that paid my bills, I was starting to get ahead on my past debt, it was summer my favorite time of year, I was getting healthy again, and a dream of a loving exciting future with the love of my life. That is all gone now within 48 hours the illusion of joy shattered into tiny pieces leaving me standing there with a choice to make. Live or die? Which is it Denise? I choose to live.

My friends whom I love dearly had left managing the restaurant I was working at. All chaos started and of course Denise felt that she had to save everyone. I said that it was for the greater good but in the end I realized it also had conditions of improving my life for me. Now I learned that there are two levels of selfishness. The first is when your ego plays into the game and is feed even when you deny that your actions are ego base. The second is soul selfishness and lacks ego. When you have no expectations and take action from a pure motive. I did not do this. In the end I learned a great lesson. The management wanted me to run the place for no pay using me and dishonoring me. My experience in the past is to be fearful and bend to this because I need the money. This time I did not I stood up for myself, I saw the negative in this situation and left. I grabbed onto the coat tails of faith and shouted ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. A strong lesson here is if I am not taking action in accordance to my words then I am not loving nor honoring who I am. Others sense this and they will not honor, respect or love you. You get what you put out there. I realized it was time to walk the talk.

Ego will kill us. There comes a time in all our lives that we will know when to cut our ties with all that ego is laced within. The Higher Power will tell you in so many ways, insomnia, too much eating, not eating, a nagging at the bottom of your soul that just will not go away. Some of us turn it off by numbing it with an addiction, running away or killing our emotions. We wish it away and it fades into the past only to reemerge in a new form. If we do not take action, embrace and learn the lesson when it is placed before us, then we once again will be brought back to the starting block and recycling through the experience over and over again until finally we surrender and scream ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! In that moment all is clear, we feel the spring come to life and a strength that we never felt before surges forth. Faith comes to life.

When this happens we see the answer of love not rage, anger and denial. We realize that we are powerless until we surrender. In surrendering we are empowered. This goes against every lesson we have learned in the mortal material world. It is a hard lesson to embrace and many never do. They will continue cycling the same lessons over and over never seeing the truth of what is placed before them. Instead they live lives of pain; destruction and continual cycling blame that breeds ignorance and hopelessness. I do not want this for my life.

So now you ask how does Morgan play into all of this? This man loved me when I could not love myself. He saw the perfection of what I can be and loved me for it. Sadly though with this perfection he saw it developed expectations of me on a time schedule. I disappointed him in not being all I can be fast and on schedule. The weekend before my job was happily thrown out the window he left me a voicemail saying he could not give me what I dreamed of in life. That he lied to me and dishonored me by not telling me the complete truth of his life. As a result he took it upon himself to end things leaving me powerless in the decision. I did not react in my usual way, spinning off into an emotional mudslide and wallowing in the thick mud of self pity. I remember grabbing onto some wise words from a tape of Faith I had played over and over in my car. They said: Someone else has been dumped, lost a job, faced hopelessness. That someone else survived and so will I. In that second, I had found the foundation of faith.

I would be dishonest if I said I did not want to beat the hell out of this man. Nor will I deny crying from the depths of my soul. Happily these times did not last long although they felt like eternity. I grew, instead I felt an overwhelming understanding of love. I had no way of contacting him, not knowing where his phoneless, computerless cabin in the middle of the woods of Alaska was. I had no way of reaching him he had all the control in the matter, I was truly powerless in this situation. When I calmed down I realized in the end, I loved him dearly and could not judge him for what he had done. I had the same ability living within me to do such a thing. I had a choice again, live or die. I choose live and love.

I researched like crazy, wrote chapters of the book we were writing together. Used my mind to understand what had happened to us. My mind brought many wonderful answers but it was not until I searched my soul and listened to what I felt that I was empowered. I wrote pleading emails at this time for him to give up everything and just come to me. Come home now. This I know was not the answer. Another condition I was placing on our love. Again I was trying to save him to save myself. I knew that he was helping my soul grow in leaps and bounds but I also knew that he was my twin flame and I do not want to live without him. I wanted him with me. I realized I was powerless in this choice and all I could do was love him unconditionally, good, bad, soul sick or strong. No expectations of marriage, no pressure just the chance to discover all that we can be for the time we have. Still he did not hear me. I realized I had to just take care of myself that was all I could do.

Now it would be beautiful to say that we worked it all out and life was joyous. That dream my friend is an illusion. Yes, we can have true blissful moments of living, but until we fully experience the cycle of pain and joy, embrace the lesson, we do not know what love and living is all about. I take pride that I did not roll up and deny life, kill myself or go insane. My choice to survive was not based on getting him back, or for my family, rather it was for me. Love thy self first so you can love others.

I remembered that Morgan had loved me when I could not love myself. He now set me free from the cycle of self loathing and allowed me to see a deeper lesson of forgiveness. Although this was the most painful experience of my life I continued and my soul filled with light. He allowed me to see the empowerment of love of self therefore leave that job that would have raped my soul. I walked through the fear of material worthlessness that kept me separate from my true self. I could not have done this with out the love of this man. My twin flame a different unique form of rescuer. He now tells me stands on that same plain that of self loathing and lack of love for self. How could I turn my back and run when he had given me that same gift. I had to do it not for him but for me. So I send unconditional love now freely hoping it helps him on his journey.

I laugh now because I totally realize that I am not a spiritual diva that walks on water but if I keep learning maybe just maybe I will get there. That is heaven and right now I do not want heaven I want the joys of living here on this earth and all the lessons it has to teach me, painful and joyful.

Morgan stays separate from me in so many ways. We still email but he only tells me what he can, no explanations and can not tell me he loves me. He only hints at togetherness and love like the carrot before the donkey. I fight this daily because I know I can not make him love me, heal him nor can I make him stop putting conditions on my love for him. He still needs for me to be healthy or something for him to be with me. Conditions and limitations, partners of ego, that which kills.

When I thought of this I came to my next lesson. If I could forgive Morgan and his abandonment of me, truly still love him unconditionally, then why did I still hate my father who did the same thing to me? It came to me then that I do not hate my father rather I love him and always did. I was immediately taken back to when I was 9 years old and the last time I saw my father. I had to be coaxed to sit on his lap while he cried because he realized that his controlling ways of conditional love and anger was making him lose his family. He had whispered to me “NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU.” I had always taken this personally. It haunted me through my dreams, relationships and daily living. I tried my best to ignore that single sentence but it eroded my soul until I was only a dead shell of a person. I realized at this moment that I had to take myself out of the equation. What if my father was not speaking about me but rather himself? A great wave of pain and regret washed over me as I saw things so clearly for the first time. If this was true how could I hate this man so torn up and fear riddled? I could only love him and forgive. I regret to say that I will never be able to tell him face to face because he died last November.

We in wasted so many years and I realized that this was happening again with Morgan and myself. Did I want to relive this again or had I learned my lesson? I thought about my father and his 28 year relationship with Cheryl. When I was a child and my father lived with us he was an angry, bitter, cruel man who showed love with his cutting tongue and a flash of a fist or belt. Cheryl loved my father unconditionally and that had changed him. Sadly he was forever victim to his fears regarding his children but I felt a great peace because I knew he felt and experienced divine love. I was not kind to my Aunt and Cheryl because I took it personally how they handled his will. I never wanted a cent I only wanted the WHY from him. Now I know, he did not have faith enough to break through the walls of fear that both of us had put up through out the years. Time passes and the wall get thicker as love fades if it is not touched. We both buried our love, lost in the conditions and expectations of what should and should not be done. Ego will kill. I see it all so clearly now. I thank Cheryl for loving him when he could not love himself. I was wrong in my judgement and understanding of why she was with him. I felt the same way in my heart for Morgan. I understood now what a gift she had given him.While I will never hear my father tell me he that loves me, nor will I hear the why from his lips I received the answer from a higher plane. I learned my lesson that he loved me the best he could and I had to accept that. I also had to accept that I loved him the best I could. The sadness comes from learning that lesson too late. I embrace that lesson now and pray that I do not have to relive this again. I let Morgan go now for that is what I must do. I will always be here for him in unconditional love. I hope that we do not make the same mistake my father and I did but all I can do is love and have faith while always letting him know I am here. I hurt greatly, but I fight daily by writing and learning more in this life. I pray for our love and will take care of myself so I can be the woman I am meant to be. I may never know his touch again and this kills me but I am powerless in that destiny. I have faith that the gray skies will part and feel the sun of his love on my soul again. Then we both can swim in the Fountain of Youth. He found me 6 months ago yesterday and I am grateful he did. I tell him this now. Morgan I love you, thank you for the best 6 months of my life, I would not change a thing.

1 Comments:

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