My
only hope of consolation I think is to spend several
hours flagellating my self with the most vicious
looking begonia I can find.

Redemption I am given to believe can be found in a book by E L
James called “Fifty Shades of Grey”. This literary masterpiece as I
understand it has spiced up the loves lives of many an over 30
married lady and is reputed to have even saved really for truly
actual marriages.

Apparently
dipping into the world of BDSM is quite the thing now, something
the sales people at Ann Summers are jumping up and down with glee
about. They have even produced a whole fifty Shades of Grey range
to satisfy the record breaking demand for adult toys of a
particular nature. I
must immediately cease from writing this and visit the website that
will avail me of the products that will keep my loved one
happy.

Err...
yeah right!

Forgive
my cynicism but this hype is all utter bollocks.

The
idea that women are fighting back and are suddenly enjoying there
own form of chick porn is utterly ridiculous. It’s been going on
for years. Jackie Collins - bless her cotton socks - has been at it
for what seems like centuries now and even dear Jilly Cooper has
had a stab at it in her own jolly hockey sticks kind of
way.

As
for the BDSM thing, it’s nothing new; we have all had a go at it in
some form or other. I mean let's face it – who didn’t re-inact the
fridge scene out of 9 ½ weeks when it came out. (Oh - ok, that was
just me then - ooops.)

The
feminists are up in arms saying that it will set the woman’s
movement back years as it allows women to believe that being
submissive is acceptable and even glamorous. Err... news flash
ladies – we still are.

As a
mum and a partner, I’m pretty sure that I already spend a goodly
chunk of my life being submissive.

Women
are natural martyrs we spend most of our time making sure that
other people come first making our needs secondary. Women
have a built in propensity for saying “No, No, it's ok darling you
go ahead and do what you want, I’ll make sure everything is
ok.

We
may be getting ahead in the professional sense but domestically we
are way, way behind. So as far as bedroom antics are concerned I
have a sneaky feeling that this book will not be instigating women
to ask their partners to dominate them. It is far more likely that
Mrs will be tying Mr to the bedpost and getting a bit of her own
back.

Picture
the scene. Mrs seductively ties hubby to the bedpost, blindfolds
him and kisses him seductively she then whispers
provocatively.

“Now
don’t you move my darling I will be back in a moment.”

She
then (if she has any sense), bogs off down to the pub with her
mates for the evening.

This
book is not revolutionary, it is not even particularly well
written, so I am told. It is however a fantastic example of
how successful viral marketing can be. It has sold 40 million
copies worldwide. It has even pushed our lovely Harry Potter from
the top slot. Which is a real shame I think, as not only did JK
tell a ripping good yarn but she also inspired a generation of kids
to take up reading again?

Not
sure what benefits Ms James’s book will have. Baby boom
perhaps?

Considering
that most of the initial sales for the book were done on the
internet, via Kindle particularly (apparently the discreet nature
of these devices means you can read anything from Enid Blyton to
“How to Kill your Husband” and your dearly beloved won’t have a
clue.) and that all the social networking sites were deployed to
publicise it, you begin to see what a stroke of genius this
strategy was. Sour
grape anyone?

Not
only was the marketing impressive, but the pricing was a gem. You
can buy the kindle download for just £3.00. The paperback will set
you back £3.78. Now, even in these times of recession it could
hardly be classed as a risky purchase. Well not in monetary sense
anyway. Even if you hate it and don’t read it you’re hardly going
to chastise yourself for wasting £3.00.

The
people I do feel sorry for are the visually impaired. There has
been a huge demand for the book in audio format but that will set
you back a whopping £18.00, presumably because they have to pay the
readers a fortune. Get
Meg Ryan in – she could certainly make the sex scenes come to
life.

Oh,
how many poor ladies have received this book as a birthday present
from their ever so hopeful husbands only to be told “Get back to
your shed you pervert isn’t that what all those magazines you’ve
got are for?”

So
although the copy sales figures are impressive, I am not sure I
would necessarily put any store by them being indicative of
anything. My guess is that most people will have missed out the
bulk of the sory and skipped straight to the juicy
bits. Let
us not yet assume though that this book has no purpose. After all
at 500 pages it would possibly make rather a good spanking tool and
it’s so much cheaper than a real paddle, I am told.

E L
James deserves her success and her publishers are certainly ahead
of the game. If lots of middle aged women have found a new lease of
sex life then good on them. But let us not over complitate
this by making it into something it’s not. I
have to confess that all the time I have been writing this I have
kept coming back to a song by the very wonderful Victoria Wood. It
just about sums this whole thing up.