Folks, countrymen and women, there was no competition on this. Praveen Swami’s “Behind Bodh Gaya bombing, same old apathy, incompetence”, published hours after the tragedy at Bodh Gaya wins hands down.

“This we already know: behind the Bodh Gaya bombings lies the same old, depressing story of incompetence and apathy.”

What he really meant:

This we already know. Behind every single piece of mine is the same old IB dossier. But don’t mind na, please. I even changed my employer because the readers of the last publication were getting nasty. I’m getting a nicer response here. (just scroll own to the comments if you don’t believe me)

“India’s police and intelligence services knew there were plots to attack the temple. Indeed, jihadists quite publicly announced they intended to attack Buddhist targets.”

What he really meant:

And since they knew beforehand, I am sure to have written about it sometime. But there are so many dossiers, I’m a bit confused (so please excuse the lack of footnote here). But do google my name+Bodh Gaya+Jihadis, and you are bound to hit something. Psst, when you find the piece, please mail me the url. (I must really archive my dossiers, oops, my articles properly).

“From January, government sources have told Firstpost, the Intelligence Bureau had issued several warnings pointing to heightened risks to Buddhist religious targets in India, as a consequence of anti-Muslim violence in Myanmar.”

What he really meant:

Wow, the dossier providers at the IB are going to be very pleased with me. This comes very handy with all the bad press they have been getting lately.

“It’s too early to come to conclusions on who the perpetrators might have been—unlike Internet conspiracy theorists, who’ll be blaming everyone from Islamists to the intelligence services themselves in coming hours.”

What he really meant:

Ain’t I clever? IM, jihadists etc etc, but no jumping to conclusions. Have to maintain my reputation for objective analysis after all.

“Experts from the National Investigations Agency and National Security Guard will study the bomb residue, but it could be some days before results are available.”

What he really meant:

Why wait all this time yaar. When I’m around to offer my services.

“It would, obviously, have taken more than one individual to carry the bombs in—perhaps concealed in boxes looking like temple offerings, or lunch-packs. They’d need timers set for synchronous explosions—either clocks, or a mobile-phone activated system.”

What he really meant:

I’ve used this line so many times before. After Mecca Masjid, Samjahuta, Ajmer Sharif blasts. It’s a great line.

“Fugitive Indian Mujahideen commander Yasin Zarar Siddibapa is alleged to have sheltered in Darbhanga.”

What he really meant:

Ever since Yasin Zarar Siddibapa’s father sent me a legal notice, I am ever so careful with his son’s spelling. (Just a thought, why am I not enjoying the immunity that my friends from ‘you know where’ have? Make a mental note: must discuss this at the next meeting).