nickelodeon

Nickelodeon, the TV network behind the popular animated series Spongebob Squarepants, announced this week that after nearly 20 years, the show would be going off the air.

“It’s been a long ride, and we are very grateful,” read a tweet posted by the show’s official page. They also posted an imaging of a crying Spongebob.

The show has been a phenomenon of epic proportions for almost 2 decades, and the news struck many young adults directly in the nostalgia section of their heart.

“This is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life,” said one Facebook user. “If it came down to whether or not to keep Spongebob on the air, or bring my Grandfather back from the dead, I’d keep Spongebob.”

The Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards for 2015 were held just last week, but already the organization has announced plans for 2016’s event. Nickelodeon intends to increase the amount of awards available, including a category for parents who are best using their children to get famous. The often maligned demographic is said to have campaigned for this award for years, with the justification that they got their children where they are today.

“Without us, our kids would be nothing more than normal, school going children. Plebeians,” said Martha Dimant, head of Child Actors’ Parents (CAP). “We pushed from when they were in the womb and we didn’t stop when they emerged, slimy and disgusting. We made them beautiful, we made them act, sing, and model. And we deserve the credit.”

Sources at Nickelodeon indicate that there was much opposition to including this award, saying it compromises their image of being a healthy way for children to grow up. But, as always, the pushy mothers got what they wanted.

“It’s not a popular move, and will isolate some important members of the corporation,” said one source, on condition of anonymity. “The danger, however, was that parents would stop making their children work from the day they were born, and that there would therefore be a dearth of actors to choose from for future productions. Keeping those parents happy is our greatest priority.”

Unacknowledged parents of former child actors will also get a shot at appreciation, with a further category going to those hard workers who’ve been forgotten. This will be in order to show that this is not just an “in” trend – it spans across generations of fathers and mothers whose only dream was to do what’s best for their kids to get on television.

Other new awards will include categories for talent scouts who manipulated children into signing away much of the riches they’ll earn in their youth careers; grandparents who made the parents feel so inadequate they had to sacrifice their children in order to make themselves feel worthwhile; and the few child actors who make it into adult stardom – and maintain the illusion that this is a good way to get a celebrity career kickstarted.

For many the ages of 27 through 35 can be a tough transition into full-fledged adulthood. But for all the 90s kids in the world, life has finally thrown them a juicy bone. Nickelodeon has announced that starting in the Summer of 2015, a revamping of nearly 40 classic Nickelodeon shows will be reproduced and re-aired.

“It is time to return to the nostalgic era of Television,” said Director of Programming Arthur Nicholson. “The 90s kids are the reason we are where we are today, and we have to remember that.”

While the entire lineup has not been revealed, initial shows fingered for recreation include: Pete & Pete, Rockos Modern Life, Art You Afraid of the Dark?, Doug, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Ren & Stimpy. Nichols hinted that nearly every show aired throughout the 90s will find its way to reproduction.

“I’m super stoked, man,” said Jake Festein, a 32-year-old clerk at a local Best Buy. He stated he grew up on the many shows on Nickelodeon.

“Those shows were so awesome. I can’t wait to chill out and watch all those shows again, man. I’d come home from school before my parents were off of work, and I’d like watch them and like laugh and stuff. It’s going to be great. Those shows were so awesome, man.”

As soon as the revamping of shows was announced, General Mills noted a influx of demand for their varied cereals, including many that had gone out of circulation.

“We haven’t seen demand like this in over 15 years,” stated General Mills Vice President of Supply, John Church.

“Thank God we brought French Toast Crunch back when we did. We have seen the demand for the product spike by nearly 2,500 percent since Nickelodeon made their announcement. We’re also getting high demand for Sprinkle Spangles, Minibuns, and Berry Berry Kix. It’s like nothing we’ve seen since I was in high school. These numbers are out of this world.”

In likely related news, marijuana dispensaries have noted a shortage in supply after a run on product, which appears to have been in line with Nickelodeon’s announcement.

Said Nicholos of the situation, “We’re just happy to see the fans are responding so positively. We can’t wait to introduce a whole new generation of kids to programming that will know will have a large impact on their lives.”

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Several former participants on the 90s Nickelodeon TV show Legends of the Hidden Temple have come forward this week, alleging that while they were contestants, they were molested by the show’s host.

The former contestants, who are being identified by only by their first names, John, Marc, and Ray, were all 11 and 12 years old when they competed on the show in the early 90s. The series, which ran from 1993 to 1995, was a staple for kids from that era, pitting teams such as the Silver Snakes against the Purple Parrots in history and mythology-related quizzes and activities.

All three of the victims, now in their early 30s, say they were molested while they were contestants on the show’s second season.

“Nickelodeon knew it was going on, but they did nothing,” said John. “I’m sure there were others. We all were on different episodes, and none of us believe it was limited to just our experiences.”

“We tried reaching out to executives at Viacom, the parent company of Nickelodeon, but they shrugged us off,” said Marc. “They definitely don’t want the controversy. Well to hell with that. I’ve stayed quiet long enough. We all have, and we’re hoping that coming forward now, we can get the real truth out.”

“It’s all true,” said Ray. “I was on the Silver Monkeys, and we won the game, but I lost when I was running through the temple. After the show, when everyone had cleared out, Olmec called me over to him. He’s a giant talking stone head, you know? He had this massive mouth, and he was telling me ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. Not everyone wins.’ Then he told me to take off my shirt so he could ‘look at me.’ I didn’t know what else to do.”

“A similar thing happened to me,” said Marc. “Olmec…he was really persuasive. He told me to just take my penis out, and rest it on his big stone lips. There was no one around, and he frightened me. I did it, but I didn’t like it.”

The three men say they are filing suit against Nickelodeon for allowing them to be abused while ‘under the care’ of the program. Representatives for Nickelodeon say that Olmec was ‘long ago destroyed’ when Nickelodeon Studios was torn down, and the company should ‘no longer be held responsible’ for the sexual perversions of their show’s prop.

Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes was rushed to the Los Robles Regional Medical Center after complaining of severe migraines to her roommate and live-in boyfriend. Both stated that they had not seen her take any medications or drugs before the headaches began, but began acting in a ‘crazy, erratic’ manner.

“She was saying crazy, insane things,” said Bynes’ roommate, who wished to remain anonymous. “It was just like she was acting back in October, when she went off on Twitter talking about her dad sexually abusing her, and how her parents put a chip in her head to control her and make her say and do crazy things. Except this time, the behavior also came with these extreme headaches. We’re all so scared for her.”

Upon her assessment with hospital staff, doctors found that Bynes’ would try desperately to rip open the skin on her head, digging her nails into her scalp. When doctors were able to perform a CAT scan, they were shocked to discover a small, plastic, MicroSD card inserted into her scalp.

Bynes’ family released a statement following Amanda’s admittance to the hospital:

Amanda, our sweet daughter, is finally getting the help she needs. We as a family would only like our privacy in this sensitive time. We also would like to abolish any rumors, as we do not condone abusing or putting microchips in your children. Thank you.

After the families press release, Mary Boherh, a case manager for state of California’s Department of Health and Human Services was called by the hospital. She has stated that there was, indeed, a microchip found implanted inside Bynes’ head, and that it has since been removed. Ali Belair, a doctor at the facility where Bynes’ is being treated, said that Amanda is ‘doing extremely well,’ and she is expected to be released to an outpatient program within the next few weeks where she can continue being cared for and observed.

Police investigators are looking into the allegations that Bynes’ parents may have had her under a form of mind-control by implanting the chip inside her head.

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM, a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

Nickelodeon, the “TV Network for Children,” announced this morning that they are going to be running new episodes of several popular cartoons and shows from their 90s lineup. The announcement comes after huge ratings were garnered with the cartoons, as repeats have been airing for several years on Teen Nick.

“We used to have a dedicated channel, called GAS, or Games and Sports, just for our old Nickelodeon shows like Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS,” said Nickelodeon Spokesman Ren Hoek. “That channel did extremely well for us for years, because even as the children who grew up on those programs became adults, there was still a nostalgia factor that they loved, and they’d tune in. We hope for everyone to experience that same nostalgia as we bring back classic cartoons from our 90s lineup.”

Shows from the ‘classic’ lineup that are getting new episodes are said to include Hey Arnold!, Rugrats, CatDog, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? Some shows that started during that era are still airing new episodes on Nickelodeon, such as Spongebob Squarepants, which has been in continuous rotation on the channel for years, celebrating its 15th year on the air in 2014.

“We really just want to give these kids – excuse me, these young adults – what they want,” said Hoek. “You have to understand, that a lot of those children who grew up on shows like Doug or Clarissa Explains it All are old enough that they have kids, and they want to share memories of their favorite old shows with their children now. We want to make sure they get that.”

“This is the best damn thing I’ve heard in ages!” said Nickelodeon fan Joe Goldsmith. “Are You Afraid of the Dark is one of my favorite shows of all time. I’ve been showing some of the old episodes to my son, Joey Jr., because they finally put them on Amazon Prime to stream, and he loves them. He’s 7, which is about the same age I was when I watched them. This is like a dream to get new episodes.”

According to Hoek, new episodes are being written and created now, and will each be introduced with a marathon of classic episodes, leading into a several hour block of new episodes. The entire list of shows that are getting new episodes has not yet been released.