Bee My Valentine

That bloody bee is back at it again, tugging at all our heart strings with a trilogy of Valentine’s Day ads. I salute the evil genius behind the Kwentong Jollibee Valentine campaign. Well played, sir. As if I don’t struggle enough to curb my emotional eating, this comes along and convinces me true love tastes better with an an upsized glass of pineapple juice and an extra box of Peach Mango Pie.

While “Date” is emotionally shattering and “Vow” is unintentionally hilarious (all I could picture after that twist was Jorah Mormont in the friend zone), it’s “Crush” I enjoyed the most.

By far the lightest of the three and the one that amps up the wish fulfillment, “Crush” opens with a standard meet-cute. Two college students, rocking the best of the Eighties, bump into each other on their way to class, as we all do when we meet the love of our lives. She manages to look adorable, apologize, steal his heart and chomp on a Jolly Yum burger all at the same time. (The sheer amount of multi-tasking she does in a split-second is impressive.) The next time he sees her, she’s deep in study mode, horking down not one, but two burgers, large fries and a drink. A light bulb goes off in his head as the heavens open and shine down on him and his epiphany: this girl has the ability to shrug off the nasty, fat-inducing side-effects of constantly eating fast food. She’s a unicorn! Of course he falls. He falls hard for her and her metabolism.

Activating stalker mode, our resident Romeo puts his CIA-operative skills to good use, and soon homegirl is subjected to a mysterious barrage of free burgers with cutesy post-it notes that just seem to pop up out of nowhere. To her credit she seems unfazed, even pleased, with the attention. She opens her locker to find a cheeseburger with a cutesy post-it and I have so many questions. Is stalking acceptable as long as Jollibee is involved? Is there a Jollibee franchise sitting smack in the middle of this university? Why is there no lock on her locker? How did he know which locker was hers? How long has that burger been sitting there? Why is it always burgers?

Because he’s way too shy to introduce himself and our girl is too busy eating to bother trying to find out who’s been feeding her for free, in steps a basketball jock with shorts shorter than her cheerleading uniform. Our hero knows his quest has taken a turn for the worse. He also knows with time and patience, all things must end and pounces the minute he sees them have a spat, finally coming forward with his answer to her tears: food. Our boy is a clever fellow. Emotions are delicious, and he’s just set the tone for their entire relationship moving forward. From here on out, all he has to do to make her feel better is feed her.

I thoroughly enjoyed how “Crush” tries to flip the script; instead of a woman using a man’s stomach to worm her way into his heart, this one has a man trying to buy a woman’s affection with burgers. Lies! The way to a woman’s heart is jewelry. It’s always going to be jewelry. Women are magpies at heart. Barring that, get her a box of Peach Mango Pie and don’t forget the flowers, because romance is not dead. (I really hope Le Hubs reads this.) Here’s to Valentine’s Day!