Finding Out I Was Pregnant With a Baby Who Wasn't Mine

Carolyn Savage, author of Inconceivable: A Mistake, The Baby We Couldn't Keep, and Our Decision to Deliver the Ultimate Gift, lives in Sylvania, Ohio, with her husband and five children. When not contemplating her latest parenting decision or forgiving herself for her latest blunder, she can be found writing about her latest antics at Mamaonthefly.com.

When I became pregnant with my fourth child, I'd seen it all when it came to what to expect when expecting. My journey to motherhood had been challenging as although my first son's pregnancy was text book, my second ended at 30 weeks when I developed preeclampsia. After surviving the NICU and parenting a preemie, it took us 11 years and three IVFs to conceive and deliver our daughter. I think it was after her birth that I grew a little cocky. I thought our four miscarriages, unexplained fertility issues, rare pregnancy complications, and premature deliveries somehow anointed me a pregnancy expert. I guess that's one of the reasons I was so stunned when I learned my fourth pregnancy would take us down a road never traveled.

It was after a call from my fertility specialist to inform me I was pregnant, but there'd been a mistake and the wrong embryos had been transferred, that my husband and I found ourselves in unchartered territory. You see, there is no version in the What to Expect... series for what to expect when expecting the wrong baby. At that time, we couldn't have been further from experts in the world of what we'd stepped into and suddenly we were floundering.

To characterize us as terrified is probably an understatement.

Four years later, I can now say that as frightened as we were during that pregnancy, I realize that those fears really weren't that unique. I'd experienced them before. As a new mother holding my first born, I'll never forget harboring thoughts of unconditional love alongside fear. How was I qualified to raise another human being? And the first time one of my children was sick I remember second-guessing myself. Am I being too laid back? Am I overreacting? And during my fourth pregnancy I was riddled with angst. Even though it was my decision to carry my baby to term and return him to the arms of his rightful parents I was frightened. What if I'm too attached? How will I let him go?

These were all intimidating situations where the stakes were high because the lives of my children hung in the balance.

How in the world do we manage in those moments?

Thank goodness the past 19 years of parenthood has taught me to arm myself with two important weapons when gripped with fear. The first: I must trust myself. As long as my decision is rooted in what I believe to be right at the time, it's likely everyone I care about will make it through. The second weapon, forgiveness, proves to be a little more difficult. It seems us moms have a hard time letting ourselves off the hook after we make a mistake. But mistakes are inevitable so forgiving ourselves is a must.

Of course, there were moments during my fourth pregnancy I wish I'd handled differently. Saying goodbye was messy and the aftermath was plain ugly. Fortunately, by trusting my maternal instincts and forgiving my missteps, I've managed, with some time, to land in a peaceful place. My fourth child is healthy and happy living with his rightful family, and my family is thriving. It was a leap of faith and our journey wasn't perfect but even though it was scary we managed to make it through.

As I move forward with my family, I draw upon the lessons I learned during my mistaken pregnancy. I fret a little less, trust myself a little more, and forgive myself a little more easily. I consider those the greatest gifts of my journey and I will continue to treasure them — and practice them — as I continue to make my way through parenthood.

Written by Word of Mom Blogger

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