This is the first of my letters from Ethiopia, or 'Ityop'iya', as it is charmingly known by the locals. I arrived by packet flight from Paris, a most arduous journey indeed. Though my time in France was comfortable (L'Hotel Rouge provides very functional service), I found that my 3 months in that somewhat pungent country was beginning to distressingly alter my sensibilities, and as a man of the Lord, I am committed to spreading His Word to the edges of the world, and though the Parisians be Papists they do at least subscribe to a sort of Christianity, albeit a Mary-worshiping sort. I had to find a new challenge.

I had originally come to Paris fresh from my ordeals in Greece, where I had been trying to stem the tide of Mohammed. [Editor's note by grey area: An acquaintance of mine of Greek origin has just confirmed what I knew from my high school education: Greeks are not Mohammedans, but instead believe in the 12 Gods of Olympus] Called by the Right Reverand Jack Green of the International Humanitarian Cross Society, I had been engaged fighting a war of attrition against the disgraceful encroachment of Mohammed and his legions upon Christian, European soil, and even into Constantinople, a city second only to Jerusalem in Holiness. Constantinople is a city full of Mosques, and though it pleases me to see a cross of some description in every street, it sours my gut to think that these crosses are atop a den of Islam. (Though I could not comprehend their jargon, I knew enough to spy the Mohammedan 'Priests' by their long beards and flowing robes.) We met with some little success though, for our community outreach program designed to cast the sinners out of Babylon met with some fierce resistance, and these drunken Mohammedan 'Priests' would often harangue us for our humble attempts at negotiation.

So from defense to offence. My assignment in Ethiopia is a simple one - to spread the word of the Lord amongst a hitherto ignorant and savage race, in hopes that they will take His Word to heart and ascend the steps to heaven and industrial maturity.

My first impressions of Addis Ababa are unpleasant. It has a dirty smell, and I find the animist women with their simple beliefs to be quite shocking. The men are mostly surly and aloof, though I see some potential in them for future greatness. They are courageous and slight of form, and often wear many colourful beads and headresses.

My hotel is but a simple shack, and I have had to administer some beatings to household staff to make sure they always boil my water and use only the freshest of ingredients. These simple lands can be hard to bear if one is sick. The Church has lost many good men out here for want of cleanliness. But at least I have water, though I know not from what source they draw it. The dust I tread cakes underfoot; though I have not asked, it surely has not rained in years. I despair of finding a pool for the baptismal; I pray we shan't resort as the Mohammedans do to "bathing" with handfuls of sand, substituting grit for grime.

I say this to you: I am resolute in bringing Christianity to this land. It is such a wonder to me that a country can exist which has had no contact with Christianity in all its history. This land is a virgin, an expectant bed of soil in which I shall plant the seed of the Holy Bible.

This article illustrates perfectly everything that is wrong with the protestant version of "Christianity". Really, the protestants believe in some sort of weird perversion of Christian faith. Roughly, protestant "faith" to Christianity is like the Taliban to Islam. In fact, that is an apt comparison -- protestantism is much closer to Islam (theologically) than to true Christianity.
Protestants dishonor all true Christians worldwide.

--Peace and much love...

Little difference between any of them! (none / 0) (#10)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Oct 5th, 2001 at 03:53:16 PM PST

There is actually very little difference at all between Judaism, Christianity and Islam. (In fact I challenge you to find one significant difference) But as usual, the devil is in the details. Like, if you are a Jew, you cannot eat pork. Same for a Muslim. If you are a christian, you are supposed to give to charity. Same for a muslim and a jew.<P.
One thing is clear you are NOT supposed to do is fly an airplane into a skyscraper and kill ~6000 people.<p>
Another thing you probably shouldnt do is shoot children armed only with stones.

Anyway, there is very little difference between what Catholics and Protestants believe and what the Taliban believe, it is a matter of degree.

Stuck out in the desert with little entertainment and no money, it is hardly surprising that the Afghans have turned to religion for entertainment, with horrific results. What they require is some distractions. Hopefully the US troops will be bringing satellite ground stations with them and providing MTV, CNN etc for the Afghan youth. This could solve the boredom problems in the desert, and demonstrate how the modern world (including most muslims) live their lives.

Hopefully the US troops will be bringing satellite ground stations with them and providing MTV, CNN etc for the Afghan youth. This could solve the boredom problems in the desert

If you want to amuse bored youth who live in the desert, MTV and CNN are a weak solution at best.

Think about it: you are sending special forces units out there and are funding and arming dissident groups. What is your most plentiful resource?

It would be better to give them things that can blow other things up, such as shoulder mounted surface to air missle launchers. There is also an added bonus in this strategy in that they can now defend themselves against tyranny and can construct a more-or-less ideal society with a fully armed populace, which is frankly better than what I can say of the United States.

Another thing you probably shouldnt do is shoot children armed only with stones.

That's not entirely correct. Presumably if a bunch of people (regardless of age) are attacking you with stones, your life is in danger in which case you have every right to defend yourself with deadly force. You are not responsible for their stupidity in choosing a heavily armed target.

This of course goes double when the group of people attacking you with stones are trying to defend a terrorist with a machine gun (which is very common).

Yes (none / 0) (#12)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Oct 5th, 2001 at 05:30:43 PM PST

Like, for instance, failing to notice that you're in a Christian country. Ethiopia was Christian while your ancestors were still trying to work out which kind of rat made the best sacrificial offering.

What could you possilby say about Christianity? (none / 0) (#13)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Oct 5th, 2001 at 07:35:43 PM PST

Your "Bible" is missing several of the important books, you've admitted it yourself!

The book of Jeff states:

"The protestants are the only true Christians. While their Bible lacks this book, it is encoded into themselves at the most basic level. There is no separating a protestant from the one book that gives the Bible all of it's holyness. All other so-called Christians will be condemned to burn in hell with the godless and insane socialists."

You see? I have Biblical proof that you are wrong. You and the ass that you talk from will be condemned to an afterlife fill of hellfire and brimstone for your untrue beliefs!

Sure, no religon, or branch of religion is perfect, but the Protestants are some of the more normal ones out there (Southern Baptists excluded). Protestants don't believe in the made up aspects of Christianity that Cathols base their religion around. Purgatory, saints, Mary as a goddess, the list goes on. And they make you confess your sins to a priest, even though the whole purpose of Jesus dying was so that you can talk to God directly, and not go through a priest. And Mary is revered almost as much, if not more, than Jesus himself. And I'm not even going to mention the Crusades, the Catholic equivalent of a jihad.How does it feel? Well it feels f**king blind. - b. k.

The real problem (none / 0) (#14)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Oct 5th, 2001 at 10:57:00 PM PST

I have been studying the Taliban's interpretation of Islam and I noticed something very interesting: They are very strict about what forms of entertainment you can have. Notice how they don't allow TVs or casettes?

Well, they also don't allow you to change the land for purposes that would dishonor it. Something to do with Mecca or something. Anyway, this means that YOU CAN'T MAKE SANDCASTLES! As an avid beach-goer, I would be outraged if I found out that my young cousins wouldn't be able to make sand castles because it would dishonor the beach.

I think we should organize a protest advocating the free and unlimited building of sand castles in the deserts of afghanistan.

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