I hit a new low today, but it is the best kind! I’ve been bouncing back and forth between 2 pounds (168-170) since Halloween and I’ve finally, FINALLY gotten under 168! (167.2)

Now, I’m a daily weigh-in person. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are so against weighing in on a daily because the normal fluctuations in a body is really enough to drive a person mad. If you are not prepared to see that in the numbers it might encourage people to quit because they think what they are doing isn’t working.

When I started this I approached my weight as data. Just data. Just one of the many ways that I can measure my progress, not the only way. I’ve learned so much about my body because of it, I wouldn’t ever do it differently. But, to each their own.

Now I know that I’ve been “stuck” because I haven’t been as diligent as I need to be at this weight. The difference between my maintenance calories and cutting calories is much smaller than it was in the beginning. Those bites off my kids plates can really make or break me when it comes down to my total calories for the day. I’m pretty sure it is why they say the last 10 pounds is always the hardest. The gap keeps getting smaller and you have to be extremely diligent with tracking your intake.

To finally get over this bump I’ve been stuck on I went back to what I was doing at the start. I don’t take a bit of anything without logging it. I’m weighing everything I’m eating, I’m sticking to my macros, and I’m getting in my cardio. I went back to the basics of weight loss and guess what, it worked. It’s not rocket science, it’s basic math, determination and self control.

I had to remind myself not to make this difficult and to go back to what works. The holidays are such a difficult time when you are losing weight that I knew I was going to need to focus even more so during this time so I can end this year strong. I never let the scale rule me but damn it feels good when I get a win. 😉

When I began again, it was just a few days before the 2015 New Year. My house was still full of Christmas goodies and I was once again thinking of my same New Year resolution. The same one that I’ve had since I was 13. This time felt different though. I’d had enough. I had been making small changes with the quality of our food choices over the years and slowly changing the way we viewed our food, but I had yet to address the one thing that matters most. Calorie intake.

So it was time. Time to face the harsh reality of how much food I was actually eating. Time to stop fighting the only proven sustainable method of weight loss and just give in to and trust the process. Trust that as long as I kept going, I would succeed. Trust that I was strong enough to change. Accept that it didn’t matter how long it took as long as I was still trying. Accept that I would have bad days when I wouldn’t want to care. Accept that there is no easy way or quick fix. Fight for who I wanted to be. Fight for who I knew I could be.

And this time I chose to keep it to myself. I didn’t blog about it here. I didn’t talk about it to many people in the beginning. I was very internal about it. I wanted to do things differently from how I had ever done them before, because the before had obviously never worked. This time I had set my mind to it. It was no longer a matter of “I’m trying to lose weight”, it was “Come hell or high water, I’m going to lose the weight.”

So I did, and I still am.

I have lost 50 lbs this year with about 20 more to go.

As I’m fast approaching my 1 year mark and again, like we all seem to do, have been looking back at all I’ve accomplished this year. I’m not at my “goal” yet but I’m closer than I ever thought I would be again. I’ve learned that goals change as you change. I know that this is a never ending journey. I’ve accepted that I will always have to care and there is no going back but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the person that I’m becoming, because it is the person that I’ve always wanted to be.

Note: A High Five and a Thank You! to my husband who has been a huge source of support and encouragement from the start.

There are a lot of people who start blogs at the beginning of major journeys in their life, my self included. It could be their wedding, a pregnancy/trying to conceive, building a house, starting a new career, or like me, weight loss.

I tried to blog through my weight loss journey before only to give up after some absurdly short amount of time when I had hit a wall, had a bad weekend or just stopped caring. I, for a long time thought that I needed to write about it to keep motivated, which never worked. I had always given up. I had started (again) with good intentions the summer of 2014 when I originally launched this space but after about 3 weeks something happened, like it had so many times before and I yet again abandoned my efforts.

I’ve deleted all but my 1st two posts from then. I’d like to keep them there to remind me how far I have come. Which is usually why people start blogs to begin with, so we can look back and remember the little bits and pieces of our lives that tend to get washed away with time.

As for my intentions this time, it is not to record my journey from the start, it is to share what I have learned so far. I’m doing this to hopefully be a source of encouragement, motivation and knowledge for others. Seeing others succeed at what I’m trying to accomplish continues to be an incredible motivator for me and I want to give that back to someone else.

I took my “before” pictures today. A first for me. I have always thought and even said out loud to my husband, “I should really take a before picture” but that was as far as I ever went with it. Bizarre as it might seem though because I’m a photographer! I understand and appreciate the importance of documenting milestones but this is one I have never had the guts to do.

It is a very raw, harsh, in your face experience. I pretty much started having a panic attack while I was setting up my camera. Which was NOT something I ever expected. Was I really so scared of what I was going to see? Or was it the fact that it was going to be recorded forever and that it could become something that other people are going to see? Was it because I wasn’t going to be able to tell myself “I’m not THAT big” anymore?

Sitting here thinking about it… I think it must be a combination of everything, but I’m very guilty of telling myself that I’m not as big as I am. In a photo I can’t suck-in for a second to imprint that image into my brain verses the one of how I actually look. It’s real and unchanging in that photo. I don’t know that I would be Biggest Loser material, but I’m uncomfortably large. I hate my body. I’m okay with sharing my weight because well, lets face it, you can see how much I weigh. It’s not exactly a secret. But saying used to weigh 217 lbs and documenting it on film in an unflattering, this is me, way is apparently extremely stressful for me.

Now, I’m not ready to share them, but I have them. Which is something that I have never done before. With starting over this time I’m trying to make a few motivational changes. I know I’m going to hit a wall and want to give up. I’m going to reach a place where I’m tired of caring. I know this because that is what has always happened, but this time I’m going to arm myself with tools to keep me on track. Reminders of why I’m doing this. Why I’m not going to fail this time, and I’m going to share the pictures someday, hopefully soon. But not yet.

I’m sick of starting over. I’ve started over more times that I can count.

Is this going to be it? Is this going to be the time I don’t quit? Is this going to be the time I stick it out and do what I keep setting out to do?

I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about myself. I want to look good in clothing. I want to feel comfortable in a shirt without covering up with a cardigan or sweater. I want to finally achieve my goals. I want to be a runner. I want to be an inspiration to my children. I want to weigh less then my drivers license says. I don’t want to fail. Not again. Not for the millionth time. So I’m starting this blog. A blog about my journey. A blog to keep me motivated. A blog to encourage others to try one last time to not fail.