// I was invited to an event that Magnum held this afternoon. At NK in Stockholm, they have opened Magnum Pleasure store, an ice cream bar where you get to make your own magnum ice cream. I know I know, the sugar challenge! But I’ve been so down this week and I felt like I needed to get away and do something fun! So I did, I made an ice cream dipped in white chocolate topped with dried strawberries, white chocolate crisp, pistachio nuts and a little dark chocolate. Super yummy! //

// Right now, life feels a little hard, in fact so hard that I did not even go to school this week. The school knows, however, about what has happened and is understanding of why I’m home. Strangely enough, I have being beter at studying when I’ve been at home than what I usually get done in school. It feels like you have a little less around at home and can focus better.

Today, Im just lying out on the patio and sunbathing with my sister who is home and has glandular fever, poor thing 🙁 I’ll be here for a while and just relax, listen to podcasts, breathe and allow myself to be sad and then try to think of other things., it still feels pretty good, I’ll make sure to do some school studies in a while too and later in the afternoon I will walk to the gym. nonetheless, it is where I feel the best. //

//NOW IT HAPPENS STUFF! It feels like my back has stood still in progress for a little while but now suddenly I lift heavier and the width has definitely gotten a little better. It feels good! That’s probably a lot because of the reason that I have eaten a bit more than I used to, cheated in the diet a bit more than I usually do and then ended up in a surplus of calories and had a bit more energy to exercise, and it is now visible! Now I’m going hard on like crazy in 1.5 weeks more and then my competition diet begins and Helene will put me in a calorie deficit. I’m super psyched! Not psyched on that diet since I know that ‘s tough , but I’m psyched for the competition but mainly to see how the muscles under the fat I have now really looks like. I just hope that I will not be too skinny, but that I have enough muscle to look fairly mellow even on a low fat percentage .

I answered that question and I would also like to post my response here on the blog as I hope it may be able to get one or another think.

How we get affected by body ideals and values ​​of others , actions, and opinions on how the body should look and equality around the training is very individual, I would say. I think how to react and become influenced by such depends on what kind of self-esteem and self-confidence you have. If you have a good self-esteem you probably won’t take any special notice to things like that. I myself am a prime example, I was anorexic before and a part of the disease for many is to having a voice inside that constantly explain to one how bad it is. For me it was like that in any case, there was a voice that was on repeat in my head that told me I needed to look like the girls on the magazines to be beautiful, visible hip bones, protruding collarbone and ribs were beautiful in my eyes and to have a thigh gap when I stood with feet together was a mist because otherwise I was not worth anything. It was a voice in my head that said this to me, screaming at me how fat and disgusting I was when I was standing there in the mirror underweight and squeezed a little on the fat on my stomach that was not really there. During this time I was affected by everything. I was the person who went to the old myth that you get fat of carbs and I was the one who ran away my anxiety of that I was that I was unworthy. I met some other girls who had the same disease as me and we egged each other to not eat and we egged each other to run one extra kilometer even though we know we had been running for over an hour and we egged each other to put a finger down the throat or swallowing a laxativity pill after eating something that we felt was okay to eat.

But then I recovered, I have found my self esteem and my confidence and I would say that I am not particularly sensitive to the opinions of others anymore. To say that you will be completely unaffected by anything does work though, I think it’s part of being human to be affected. But if you have a good self esteem and believe enough in yourself one will have the strength to believe in yourself enough to know that the ideals is wrong. You should be able to have such a good sense of self esteem that you won’t get affected by the fact that as a woman should be a size zero to be beautiful. Im strong enough now to know that. I now know that I will not be happier if I have a thigh gap. I have instead chosen to go against the norm of being skinny and I do what I think is fun. I go to the gym and train to become strong and build on my muscles and I ‘ll be setting up in a fitness competition. I get to hear that its ugly, that I’m to big or fat every day. Before, I would break up over such comments and change direction and stick to the skinny ideal. But today I have built up my self-esteem and I’m strong enough to believe in myself, I’m beautiful even if I’m not the thinnest stick in the box.

How one’s performance is influenced by the training unit and body ideals , I think is a negative impact. If you train to meet a body ideal, or that you will get baited to train because all your friends and celebrities in the gossip magazine do so, the focus in the workout end up on the wrong thing. To workout should be done for yourself, for feeling good and because you think its fun. But if you eat in a certain way to please somebody else, you will not see the fun in training and life will eventually not feel as fun to live anymore. //

// Today has been a long day, a really bad day in addition. I received a text from my friend Lucas who asked if I wanted to hang with them to the gym today and Rasmus and Lucas actually managed to turn my day from being the worst day ever to actually be a pretty good day and I am very grateful for thatl. We did a shoulder workout . It could have gone better but considering what mood I was in , I am happy that I even went to the gym and killed it.