Taking a Gamble on Finding Happiness…

Good Day Bad Day….

I seriously don’t know how people celebrate their birthday all month…. or even all week. I am worn the fuck out from yesterday. I didn’t even do much. But I did more than I usually do and it was tiring. I woke up. Attempted to write. Failed. Got online an made a live video for a bunch of strangers. Tried to write again. Failed. Tried to read. Failed. Went to lunch with my (mom of 5) friend and her awesome boyfriend. Ran a few errands, paid a few bills. Felt pretty good.

By the afternoon I was terribly uncomfortable. I was wearing jeans. And, good Lord, they are getting tight. Thought about caring. Bought myself cupcakes instead. After all, it was my birthday. Resolved to start exercising and eating better tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

Went out to eat with Maranda. Ate copious amounts of bread that did not help the tight pants cause. Followed the dozen rolls and the gallon of butter with a salad, because I’m watching my weight, right? Took a couple double shots of vodka. The cheap kind. Not the good kind. Went to poetry. Kind of did my thing, even though I wasn’t really feeling it.

I wasn’t really feeling much of anything yesterday. And it’s odd, because I should have been feeling all fulfilled and loved. Everybody wished me a happy birthday. I got embarrassed and sung to a couple times. Everything was great. Except my head.

I finally came to the conclusion that my bad mood is stemming from one of two places… or both. I withdraw from life and get irritated when I’m financially in a hard spot… and two, I get irritable when I don’t have a steady source of good D… (D stands for dick, just in case you’re confused). It’s one thing to have money and no D. Or to be broke but getting good D. But to be broke and not have any good D to call on your birthday… well, that’s just depressing.

I’m not going to dwell on it because I know these things work themselves out most of the time. And every time I start to stress, I find another gig to do. I’ve applied for three this week. Hopefully I will hear something back. As far as the D…. eh… I can take it or leave it right now, because it’s really all pointless. I mean, I know the world doesn’t revolve around sex (or that it shouldn’t) so I’m not going to worry about not getting any. I’m sure like any other thing you are used to having all the time, you just have to let it get out of your system and you eventually stop craving it, like sugar, or caffeine, or crack…. I guess sex is the same way… I’ll keep you posted.

Anyway… I don’t want to be the rain on my parade, because overall the day was good. It was just really long. And I’ve had way too much (cheap) vodka and I need to go to bed. So I’ll see you all tomorrow with more positive notes.