Duncan James’s cock (when is it not about that), exclusives with Amy and Avril and a lot of older pop ladies flogging schmutter on the market.

Duncan off-of Blue and very large knobbage posed for me-me-me dressed in full Tom of Finland wear. Well, he does have the enormous penage… and went on to describe it thus…

Scooch were hand-selected from a not very auspicious bunch to represent Her Majesty’s United Kingdom at Eurovision. It didn’t matter anyway as someone from Eastern Europe would obviously win anyway as they only vote for their next-door neighbours. Oh, and we got to talk to Scooch. Lucky old us.

Gorgeous Georgios Michaels was announced as the first act to play the hot new upgraded Wembley Stadium. We found he lacked a little charisma when it actually came to the crunch biscuit.

Beyonce and Shakira did a song and a video together called ‘Beautiful Liar’. When we talked to the Lady B she reckoned even she couldn’t tell her and Shak-Attack apart in this vid.

Charlotte off-of Church reckoned she was pregnant with a human child. Turned out she was. And the father was prolly that perma-tanned Welsh rugby playing fella.

Kylie, in a break from her career copying Madonna, announced a new range of clothing with H&M. Oh, except Madonna had already done a couple of those.

Dame Shirley of Tiger Bay – or DSB, as she would come to be known as when she wore jewel-encrusted Wellies with that on them at Glasto – flogged off all her old couture schmutter to benefit young gays. Money-wise, that is. She wasn’t lending them out.

Madonna released a quite-funny (only quite, mind) ad for her H&M campaign.

Abercrombie & Fitch made a million London gays lament that they could now no longer show off about having been to New York by just wearing a T-shirt by opening a branch in London’s glittering Savile Row. There goes the neighbourhood. Meanwhile, Primark was busy opening on Oxford Street.

Naomi Campbell was all gussied up ready to her community service in New York. And looked AMAZING!

New York’s glittering New York magazine declared what we’ve all known for quite some time (seven years to be exact): that glittering London is the capital of the 21st Century *party poppers go off. Or was it a terrorist bomb?*

We interviewed the still lovely Gareth Gates, Pop Idol runner-up and generally boppable-in-the-boo-boo young character.

We also brought you an exclusivo with the one, the only Amy Winehouse. And found her to be a delight. No, really! She’s lovely everyone. Shut up! Oh, and Avril Lavigne. Also nice. No, really etc.!