S.R news issue 13

-SR NEWS-“YOUR UNBIASED SOURCE OF NEWS IN THE SOUTH REPUBLIC AREA”ISSUE 13, MARCH 24,2012 Index: 1-4International 5-7 South Republic

8 Business 9-11 Ads 12 Obituaries 13-14 Letters and map

International section:

JOE’S FUN CLUB ESTABLISHED!

Joe, the person who murdered Bob, has become the leader of what is now Joe’s Fun Club. He has made no secret of his evil intentions. “I plan to eat ten percent of everyone’s food. I also want ten percent of everyone’s land. And every time they make money, they have to give me ten percent. Oh yes! I know what I’ll do with the money! Yes I do! I’ll use it up myself! HAHAHA!”

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORP. UNDERPERFORMING

The once-wildly-popular Groinland Cutlery Corporation has made slowl business recently. Although they used to design many new knifes every week, the main knife creater has been sick, so he has not invented any more knives. Sales have lagged, because people only buy products from the G.C.C when they are new.

“Eww! After about a week, I don’t want their gross knives any more. But when they release new ones and all of my friends make a huge line at the store, I NEED to have one!” -Anonymous stranger

South Republic Section

-add in the results of the Manglers versus the Hurters in a new murderball game

ANOTHER MURDERBALL GAME PLAYED!

In the South Republic Prison, a team of Groiners (the Hurters) and Republicans (the Manglers) fought each other in a brutally disgusting game of Murderball. Although the Hurters did a good job of hitting the Mangler’s throwers at first, they eventually slowed down, giving the Manglers the advantage. It was a suspenseful and entertaining game, though.

It is widely known that the Hurters do poorly because of their bad teamwork. However, some people have suggested that another reason why the Hurters fail is because they have a less aggressive name.

Internationally, Groinland is planning to plant roses in their newly-acquired plot of land. (located on territory that used to belong to the Dictatorship of Goddanged) Since the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club is such a mess, the economy there is doing horrible. I do not really count the place that used to be Bob’s Fun Club as a real country, though. It seems more like a joke to me.

Here in the South Republic, the economy has been going at a tolerable pace, although it has seen better days in the last few months.
The weather earlier last week was nice enough to permit a large amount of tourists to tour the Republic. Tour guides have actually started to pop up,
and their high prices for tours have boosted the economy significantly.
Due to the recent deluge of snow, (even though it’s spring) a large volume of snow has been sold. That involved unburying the snow-machines,
because it was assumed the last snow of the season had already occurred.

-TOURISMThe tourism industry has been doing extremely well since the War of Goddanged ended. Mean value: $7 Volume: 92

-BEEF FARMINGAlthough the beef has not been fattened up yet, much has been imported from Canada. Although that is very bad for the economy at the moment, it should eventually reap a profit. (it has doubled the national debt for the moment) Buying: $150 Volume bought: 10 –FIREARMSA few Southern guns have been made, and exported to Groinland quickly. Demand is good, and guns are fetching a high price. Selling: $65 Volume: 5–TOTAL ASSETS SOLD– $969 since Feb. 19 -BAUGHT- $2037 since Feb. 19

-National Debt- $2274.5 (+$1023)

GROINLAND CUTLERY CORPORATION

WE make the best knifes! It’s true, hands down! It is! Buy some and use them for whatever you feel like. Do you like to kill bugs? Get a bug murderer knife! Do you like to defend yourself? Get a self-defense knife! Do you like to be dysfunctional? Get a dysfunctional knife! We have lots of THEM! For all of your needs! All of THEM!

GODDANGED BRUSHES

We know you need to goddang your tooths all the time! You need to do it after every meal. Do it with our special Goddanged brushes for all of your tooths. Oh yes! Goddang them so they don’t goddang you! You might die of an attack from your heart if you don’t buy our stuff! Buy it now!

FOOD TASTER’S CLUB

Do you enjoy tasting food? Does your mouth water every time the word “food” or “eat” is mentioned? Do you like cooking and/or baking? You have found the right club! The local Food Taster’s Club has plenty of food-making and food-eating for the rock bottom price of twenty dollars a month. See you there! Let’s eat some yummy, tasty food together! Hopefully, someone in the club knows how to cook!

Obituaries
Someone named George Walker died from getting a heart attack while running. He has no friends, so he will not be buried. Of course, if someone
feels like digging the hole and throwing him in, they are welcome to. (Just remember to cover him back up when you’re done.)

Letters to the Editor
“Wow. That snowfall last night was so beautiful! I took a nice, enjoyable little walk. It was so serene. Gosh, I love the snow. Maybe I should move to the
Northwest Territories.”
-Patricia Warsh

“You know what is so ugly these days… CARS! Ford makes the grossest cars ever! They’re like gosh-darned disgusting! Just try to look at one for more than five seconds. Grossness.”

-Complainter Sullivan

“Why is EVERYTHING in this damned newspaper about eating! There’s a Food Taster’s Club, people who died from eating, articles about eating, information
about food and TOO MUCH ELSE. You know what I want- I want someone to write an article about POOPING! Too much food, not enough poop! We need more
poop!”
-I Hate Food!