walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at a wine bar

I visited St. Francis Winery in Sonoma a couple of weekends ago with my cousin Jenna, Aunt Cindy and good friend Didi. We did a tasting and then decided to buy a bottle of the Nuns Canyon Vineyard Syrah, Sonoma Valley (highly recommended) and sit out on the patio, soak up the sun and have a little girl talk.

My Aunt was telling us of her recent vacation with her boyfriend. She was explaining the good and bad, the love and fighting. As we laughed and listened, we came to a point where Didi asked my aunt, “So, what you’re telling me is that life and relationships never get any easier”? To which my aunt responded a very firm, “No, they don’t”.

I think we have a misconception about life and relationships. We believe that once we find our person, get married and have kids, that all of our problems will be solved. Those insecurities you felt? Gone. The fear of loneliness? Never again. But as time goes on and you get older, life only gets harder. Problems become bigger and things get way more complicated.

What defines who your “person” is in this life? And once you find them, will they actually be able to solve all of your problems?

Once upon a time I thought I found my “person”. My heart skipped a beat every time our eyes locked. I felt a rush of emotion when we would make physical contact. I imagined my whole life with this person and never thought of a possibility of anything else. As fate would have it, I was wrong… really wrong. I was so consumed in the feelings of lust I had for this person, that I missed all of the warning signs, or rather “red flags”. I accepted the bad of the relationship because I thought I had it all figured out. Well, I had to learn my lesson the hard way… the really, really hard way.

You can never ignore the red flags in relationships. Once the butterflies have disappeared, the attraction has diminished, and the honey moon phase has come to an end, what will be left? Do you align with someone on a level deeper than the surface intimacy and attraction? Do you have similar goals, dreams and aspirations? Do you have the same ideas of how you want to raise your family? Are you treated, and treat the other person, the way you/they deserve to be treated in every aspect of your relationship?

If the answer is no, then it will never work. You see, you can love someone and still not be meant for each other. At the end of the day you have to look inside yourself and realize your self worth. I’ve come to learn that it is better to be alone, then with someone who steals your happiness. In a relationship, you should feel like the most special person in the world, always. It’s what we all deserve, isn’t it?

And if you are lucky enough to find that one person in this big ol’ world that is meant for you, life will still be hard. You will still have worries, insecurities and stress. You will still fight and argue. You will still question if the path your on is that one that you were meant for. So… why not be your own “person” in life?

You see, you can’t wait around for things to get better, easier or more simple. Life will always be chaotic, messy and complicated. There will always be curve balls or roller coasters of emotions. You need to learn to be happy right now, no matter the circumstance. No matter the situation you are facing. You can not wait around on happiness to present itself, or you will run out of time. You also cannot wait for someone else to provide you with the happiness and feelings your desire. You have to love the person you are, without fear of what the world thinks. Fall in love with yourself everyday, make yourself proud and go after the things you dream of. In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero, because everyone else is simply trying to save themselves.

Last night I was at one of my very best friend’s houses, eating dinner and drinking a bottle (or 2) of wine. She has the cutest daughter, who I love like my own. We were sitting at the table and my friend’s daughter, Natalina, asked me if I could go get the TV remote for her, because she didn’t want to watch the Warrior’s game anymore. I responded, “Are your legs broken?” (because sometimes I’m an asshole) to which she responded; No, her legs were not broken, but that she was having growing pains.

As I sit here and contemplate my life and the path I am currently on, I ask myself this question… Am I also experiencing growing pains right now?

We have growing pains when we are little, like Natalina. When our joints are stretching and we are getting taller. We then experience them again when we go through that awkward stage, (although my awkward stage spanned a lot longer then I’d like to admit) called puberty. But it’s not until later in life when we are faced with adulthood, tough decisions and heartbreak, that we finally go through a growth period again.

I think the secret to happiness is truly letting every situation just be what it is meant to be, then making the best of it. Although I believe this, it is something I struggle with. When I imagine something to go someway, I’m immediately disappointed when it doesn’t. When the picture that I imagined in my head does not meet reality, I just cannot seem to understand why or cope with the outcome. Expectation is the root of all heartache, and the real-life truth is that nothing ever happens the way you imagine it will, it happens the way it is supposed to. One of the biggest lesson I am trying to learn from and grow to know is how to let go of expectations (keyword trying).

Another thing I am trying to let go of and overcome is the need to control every situation. I have learned that you cannot control the way other people feel about you. You cannot control others emotions, actions or outlooks. The only thing you CAN control and change is yourself. This in itself is a huge growing pain. Learning to control your emotions is probably the hardest, yet most valuable lesson anyone can ever learn. While we may not have absolute control over our emotions, we absolutely have control on how we demonstrate them. We have the ability to get angry or sad, be happy or disappointed. We have the capability to reflect our emotion onto the world. We have the power to create a picture of ourselves to others.

It is so easy to get caught up or distracted and fall into a pattern where we group negative emotions with the people we love most. When we are consumed with stress, sadness or jealousy and project it onto others, we end up making the people we love most feel at fault for the emotions we feel. Then on top of that, we expect them to react in one way or another. If they don’t, we spiral even more into oblivion…Why is it that we treat the people we love the most, the worst?

I’ve made the mistake of letting my emotions take control of my life. Of counting on reactions or things from people who simply could not fulfill my expectations. Well, every diamond has imperfections and every rose has it’s thorn. I do not claim to be perfect, in fact, I am far from it. But I am trying to understand my imperfections and thorns, navigate through them, and come out the other end a stronger, wiser, kinder human being.

Sometimes we just need to slow down and not be in such a rush to figure it all out. We need to feel calm knowing that anything is possible in our futures. Sit back with a glass of wine, revel in the unknown and let your life surprise you, because at the end of the day everything happens for a reason. The people who want to be in your life, will be. The ones who don’t, won’t. Find yourself in your flaws, imperfection or thorns and make the best of them. Project happiness and kindness, and what is meant for you will find you. Embrace growth in all forms, because no matter which way it happens or where it takes you in life, it will always result in positivity, I promise.

“As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts. What doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. But what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself”.

Time is a funny thing. Some times we wish we had just a little more of it… Another minute of sleep when our alarms go off, one more day on the weekend, just a few more minutes to spend with the people we’ve lost. But more predominately we are wasting time… Waiting for our 8 hours of work to be over, for the next big event to happen that we’ve been looking forward to, for the 45 minute commute we have to disappear. For life to just make sense. They (whoever they are) say “time heals all”, but is that really true??

You know what else is a funny thing… Heartbreak (not literally.. it literally sucks). It has a way of making you reevaluate time. Look back on how you’ve spent the last five (or however many) years of your life. To remember that one time you may have overreacted or said the wrong words. To think where it could have all gone wrong. To wish that you could just reverse time. But reversal is impossible, and heart break has a way of making time stand still. When you are heart broken the days, even hours, move slower. You are waiting for “time to heal”, for that moment of clarity when everything just feels alright again. But how much time in this life that is already way too short are you supposed to give?

I very recently have gone through a break up and I’ve decided that I’m not going to sit around and “let time heal” my wounds. This heartbreak I feel everyday is one that I need to solve for myself. Every morning I wake up, before I put on my make up ;), I tell myself that today will be the day that I will be a better version of myself, today will be the day that I become a better person than I was yesterday. Today I will not let my thoughts and grief consume me. I will not wish that my time would go by faster and my day would be over already. I will enjoy and learn from each step I take, good or bad. I will choose to heal today, instead of wallow in the past and what could have been. Today will be a good day, today I will live in the now.

Time does not need to heal all because we all have the power to heal ourselves. We possess the power to solve our own problems, to look into our souls and decide we’ve had enough of the feelings we are feeling. It is not an easy task, but it is also not impossible. We must live with the cards we are dealt and even if that hand is shitty, its our shitty hand. Never let something or someone else take your time away from you. We all have the power to acknowledge that we deserve to smile, to be curious about the future and most important, to forget about time and absolutely and completely live in the moment.