This week, a peek into
the world of professional flyers sent to us by a former USAF officer.

Fear of Flying

You know that your landing gear is
up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than
there are submarines in the sky.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Ooh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in
a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to
pee.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location, Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and
a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the
same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain
trainee attempting to check out the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules -
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.

Thanks to Robert Fein who gets the $10 gift
certificate!

Send
us your clipping or photograph (via e-mail
or snail mail). If we use it in Laughing
Stock, you will receive a $10 gift certificate from Amazon.com!

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