Original. Quirky. Spreading Love Like Dandelions

Our teacher Mrs. Tinkler will do anything for us year 12’s, and with her American background, contacts per request (which was more an out-there wish at the time) acquired Pop Tarts for all our year. Now you must understand that in a small town country school in the middle of Australia this is an exotic foreign delicacy on par with frogs’ legs in France.

With wonder we opened our small pantry to find these boxes of Pop Tarts and for a while no one did anything with them, it represented the unknown…but eventually someone made the first move opening the slim packets with two flat pieces of sweet bread with jam in the middle, the questions abounded; are they separate? Do you cook them together? Do they ‘pop’? Wont the icing melt when we pop it in the toaster? How long do we toast it? This was the biggie.

People have a bad habit of wandering off while their food is toasting and coming back only to find charred remains.

This is what happens to Beth and Jo’s attempt at Pop Tarts. Everyone was so unsure about this strange new food that they cooked things in pairs. We had year 11’s in awe peeking in at the proceedings as fascinated as we were – and wondering what the strange smell wasn’t a good sign – Beth’s Pop Tart started smoking as it was stuck in the toaster. Shon and I tried to get it out with metal tongs (while it was still on – the lack of wisdom in this only occurred to us afterwards) managing only to maul it.

Thomasy wisely unplugged the toaster and dug about with some knives, but there were sticky bits, impossible to un-stick. So Shon decides to unplug the fountain outside and plug in the toaster instead, turning it on with the idea of “burning it out”. There was “fire coming out of the top of it” as Shon exclaims and Thomasy calmly points out, “When I saw it there was one small smoldering flame at the bottom”. The idea, nevertheless fails and so now we get Shon traipsing around the school cradling the toaster, harassing teachers who, “don’t want to know about toasters and Pop Tarts”.

“Pucci stood ignored and steaming with rage for a while and then flounced out. It was a good flounce, too. She had no idea how to handle people and she tried to make self-esteem do the work of self-respect, but the girl could flounce better than a fat turkey on a trampoline”

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“‘Just as I thought,’ he said, pocketing the tube. ‘You forgot to take the cap off. It’s the kind of mistake amateurs always make!’

Owlswick hesitated, and then said, ‘You mean there’s people who commit suicide professionally'”

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“Professionals have their pride. There had to be some people you wouldn’t rob, some things you didn’t teal. and you had to have style. If you didn’t have style, you’d never fly”

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“Stand still and your mistakes catch up with you”

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‘THE CABINENT CLOSES IN THREE MINUTES, GENTLEMEN. ALL RESEARCHERS INSIDE THE AFETY AREA NOW, PLEASE. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!’

‘Be there or be square?’ said Moist, as Ponder lowered the megaphone.

‘Oh a couple of years ago someone ignored the warning and, um, when the Cabinent folded up he temporaily became a curiosity’.

‘You mean he ended up inside a fourteen-inch cube?’ said Moist, horrified.

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‘You’re not going to tell me they built fifty-foot high killer golems, are you?’

‘So…’ said Adora Belle, ‘a mad old lady – all right, a very astute mad old lady – died and gave you her dog, which sort of wears this bank on it’s collar, and you’ve told everyone that gold is worth less than potatoes, and you broke a darstardly criminal out of your actual Death Row, he’s in the cellar designing “banknotes” for you, you’ve upset the nastiest family in the city, people are queueing to join the bank because you make them laugh…what have I missed?’

I have been keeping an extensive and inseparable diary for years – ever since I was eleven. Seven years on, hundreds of words and 37 diaries later I am still writing in my diaries as much as ever.

Anyway, last night I was perusing my old diary – the one I called ‘Rosa De Moverly’ (back in my Anne of Green Gables obsessed days) and it was pretty much the funniest thing I have read in a long time

So here I shall publish the funny and interesting excerpts from the diary of a 12 year old book and boy obsessed girl (and wonder whether I have changed all that much!)

Oh and I’m keeping the original spelling and grammar

* Saturday 26th October 2003 (After breaking my leg doing long jump at the school sports)

The Young Diary Writer - very impressionable!

“It’s kind of dumb how people say, ‘are you alright?’ when your there, tears pouring down your face combining with sand and snot. I suppose it’s also a sign they care.”

* Sunday 27st October 2003 (as part of a story I wrote)

“His face was a hopeless, barren desert when you are slowley dying of thirst and a terrorist holds you at gun point deciding whether or not to blow your brains to bits while he drinks the last few drops you have, then spits it in your face”

“Lucille cried out like an eagle having its wings hacked”

* Friday 7th November 2003 (the days of the Primary school romance. I find the shock and outrage of this excerpt quite funny)

“But not as obssesed as Danielle is about Brad – you should see her! She writes his name everywhere, over and over again. Yesterday she gave him her first proper kiss – on the lips! They’ve pecked before (4 times) but not on the lips. Shhhhh….dont tell anyone.”

* Monday 10th November 2003 (about our school camp to Canberra)

“On the seat beside me was Danielle and Bradley – two loverbirds . They held hands passionately near the end for a long time! It made me want to puke and I kept on giving Danielle “looks” to convey my message.”

* 24th Monday November 2003 (you can see the beginnings of my feminist thinking here yet still boy obsessed)

“I like to have muscles, to not cry much, to not be girlish and gigglish, to like cars and leggo and footey.”

“Back to transition. Sorry I get off the subject a lot, my train of thought you see, but who really cares, I dont think this will be published; and even if it is no one will care because they’ll be too engrossed in all my interesting stuff I have to say…where was I?”

* Sunday 30th November 2003

“…but he had nice eyes. Usually nice eyes is a saving grace to a male who usually would look, well, pretty ordinary.”

* 6-01-04

“There are lots of curious things in this world, things that are fun to speculate, but can give you a headache if you dwell on them too long”

“(I think we will be pinching pennies – but pinching hurts so much!)”

* 7-01-04

“The easiest way to fake tears, is to think of something realy sad like when Matthew dies in Anne of Green Gables and what his last words were (that always gets me in tears)

“If I couldnt read (or write) I dont know what I’d do. I’d just be existing, flavour would go out of life making it blonde. But I can, no fear (by the way, the same definitely applies to music)”

9-01-04

“(I’m very fond of brackets, and semi-colons; but mostly brackets)”

I WILL BE WRITING THIS AS A SERIES SO IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS POST, SUBSCRIBE VIA RSS TO MAKE SURE YOU CATCH THE NEXT ONE!

Heard this story over the coffee gossip sessions at Mum’s staffroom…I think it’s true too

Two guys were walking up to a 21st party, where they only knew like one person. They thought to themselves…this is a chance too good to pass up, and so concocted a plan to pretend to be someone else. For this was their chance to be anything they ever wanted to be and no one would be able to tell the difference. So one pretended to be an pilot, because pilots are cool yeah; you always want to be one when your younger, and so he went around telling people he was a pilot and they would raise their eyebrows, be impressed. He even elaborated on it saying that he worked for the Royal Children’s hospital and flew around sick kids. This earnt him more kudos points…

When he was staying over that night a little girl fell down the stairs and fractured her leg, while all the guests were in a panic one said,

“Don’t worry, we have a trained paramedic pilot staying here who flies for the Royal Children’s Hospital!”

1. Even your Dad loves it because it takes him back to his childhood and he’ll exclaim excitedly, “FROGGER!!!!”2. The cheery, uplifting music…nothing else better to hear at 11 O’clock at night to lift a mood. Even when a truck hits you the music remains happy and joyful, as if to say, “Dont worry about the fact that you’re now roadkill, you can try again” *smile*

3. It’s Addictive…”You just stuff up and then you got to do it again” quote from Frogger addict to my left

4. It helps you explore the forms of various wildlife…from what I can hear there is everything from crocodiles, turtles, trucks, cars and of course, frogs

5. “Helps you learn to cross roads and stuff”…another quote from my fellow Frogger player to the left explains the educational values of Frogger. It helps you learn when to go and when not to go, teaching young children from an early age the consequences of reckless pedestrian behaviour.

Have you ever noticed how manipulative this Christmas Favourite is? Let us go through the lyrics and learn a lesson in MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES!

Do not be fooled by the cheery expressions...

First verse:

“We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.”

LESSON #1: BUTTER UP

We can see that this first verse is very innocent and cheery. It lulls the listener into a false sense of security as they hum along and absorb all that Christmas merriment. The caroler hence is thought of as a nice, well meaning person and the listener is more likely to let them into their house and home. There is a proverb that states, “You can catch a bee better with honey than you can vinegar” which basically means SUCK UP and the sucker will come to you.

We can see that this particular caroler has taken that a step further and included the relatives; this is a gesture that can go one of two ways. If the caroler is lucky, the listener likes his relatives, the listener will be even more taken by the fact you remember his relatives. If the caroler is unlucky and the listener has terrible rellies, the listener will immediately become suspicious at this attempt and the former steps towards gaining their goodwill will be met with suspicion.

Second Verse:

“Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer”

LESSON 2: LET YOUR DEMANDS BE KNOWN IN PLAIN LANGUAGE

We can see that this caroler has used the direct approach. Their desired object suddenly has been put out in the open for all to see: the figgy pudding. They have subtly let the listener know their real intentions: they are singing for their supper. Now, such a direct statement may take aback some listeners or may produce sympathy. If the caroler is lucky, the listener is of a sympathetic kind and along with carolers is the type to let in stray cats and give them a good meal. This kind of caroler will assume that such a direct demand is proportionate to the amount of hunger the caroler is feeling and so will serve up figgy pudding quicker than you can blink. Most listeners however will be taken aback, hostilities will rise, and so this is when the caroler quickly launches into the next verse…

Third Verse:

“We won’t go until we get some;
We won’t go until we get some;
We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here”

LESSON #3: LEARN THE ART OF A WELL PLACED THREAT

If the listener was feeling hesitant about giving in to the caroler’s demands, this really settles the case….an effective threat. This threat is effective because it

a) Uses a threat that the listener will find very irritating. (Obviously by now the caroler is getting on their nerves so any extension of their presence is going to be a suitable punishment)

b) Used a threat they can easily carry out without discomfort or harm to themselves (unless the listener starts throwing things)

c) Used a threat that only they have the power of providing…or not providing. The listener knows that this is a situation that is all in the hands of the caroler

Verse Four:

“We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”

LESSON #4: LEAVE ON A GOOD NOTE

We see here in the fourth verse a reiteration of the first verse, something that will bring back pleasant memories with the listener, of times before things got nasty between them and the caroler. This makes them more likely to forget all that former hostility and open their doors to the caroler the next year…and make the mistake again….