Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Have you ever watched a fire burn completely out? Sat at a
campsite, in the quiet hours of the night… cool air at your back and heat on
your legs? As the trees seem to still with the darkness, stars appear, the glow
of the fire starts to dim and the moon takes over as the nightlight… everything
seems really peaceful.

I spent years at girl scout camp, nights (and days) around
the campfire… and many of fun (and sometimes drunken) nights as a teen and
“adult” doing the same. There is something really magical to me about fire. I
was always the one to volunteer at camp to “man the fire” or “cook the meal” so
I could be at the fire. As I got older and would go camping with friends, I
always had my hands in the fire, getting it started and keeping it going into
the night. I could watch it for hours. Something about how one piece of wood
catches the next… eventually both, still two separate pieces of wood, create
one flame… the embers glow an amazing color as the fire gets hotter and hotter
and as you add more wood. Each added piece, after being placed with the other,
catches and becomes a part of something pretty spectacular. Eventually, as the
fire burns down, the pieces start to collapse, they break apart, mix together
and become one foundation for the next pieces to catch the flame. The cycle
repeats until it is time to let the fire die out. The large flames stop and the
foundation glows and crackles…

If you watch a fire in the “burning out” stage you can see
its fight to stay alive. You watch as small flames try to flicker up every now
and again… re-igniting a small piece of unburnt wood, it stays lit for a small
amount of time, but has nothing to catch so it slowly softens and burns out. A
slight breeze might pick up and the embers instantly glow brighter looking for
something to catch. A random flame might pop up, soon to die out again… unless
more kindling is added… the embers will cool with the night air and smolder
out.

When I think about things in life that I am passionate
about, my relationships (husband, parents, family, friends), my career (in the
office, continuing education, licensure), my fitness and lifestyle (crossfit,
macro counting)… they all burn like a fire. I have to continue to tend to the
fire to keep it from burning out. I have to keep the passion alive, I have to
keep adding new experiences, people, education, challenges and goals to drive
myself to want more. Each experience I have adds to the foundation of the next.
Each bump in the road of a relationship, each failure or mistake in my career,
each missed lift or large cheese pizza is just as important to my growth as
every “I love you,” bonus, publication, personal record, muscle up or pound
lost. What is most important to me, what makes my fire burn, is the passion and
drive to be the best that I can be in all of those things. The best mother,
wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend…. The best project manager, architect….
The best I can be at crossfit… The best I can look in the mirror. Sometimes, the fire burns out… sometimes, I
allow the flame to burn down… I forget to add to it. I just let it go and
maintain its self for a while. That’s when life becomes stagnant.

A little over six weeks ago I made a choice. A very hard
choice. I left CrossFit Wachusett, my home of the past 6 years. I walked into
CrossFit 696, the “new guy” looking for a new place to call home. I was not
sure what to expect, not only of the new box, but from myself. My “CrossFit
Fire” was one that had been left smoldering in the corner for quite some time.
As expected, in the time after The Little Monster was born, I was focused on
him. While I didn’t let it go completely, I let what was happening in my
fitness life take a backseat. Nothing wrong with that… priorities often change
in life, but I soon started to miss the feeling that I had when I pushed to
that awful place that only CrossFitters know about, or when I set a new PR on
any given lift… or even that challenge, fight and struggle for a muscle up or
something I have never done or haven’t done for a while. I want to work hard
again, I want to fail, I want to create new challenges for myself, I wanted to
feel that passion again. I felt stuck. Every once in a while a stray coal would
catch a breeze, fire up some of the foundation, but soon fade out. I needed to
make a change, build the courage to make the change and do it.

I had honestly been considering not competing in the Open
this year. I wasn’t heartbroken about it… I wasn’t really “feeling it.” All of
that changed when I took control. When I decided that I needed to get out of my
own head and find what I loved about CrossFit again. A fresh start. From my
first workout a month and a half ago right through this mornings workout… my
motivation, my determination and my drive to get better, faster and stronger
each day has returned. I am so glad that I took the bull by the horns and
signed up to compete as a member of 696. Each week, a group of people who
barely know me, surrounded me, to encourage, push and cheer me on to be the
best that I could be at that very moment. My new coaches, who were (and still
are) learning about me, how to coach me, what motivates me and what I need to
work on… supporting me, challenging me every with every workout, Opens workouts
or not. The members who I have met, who work hard every day to grind through a
workout… inspiring. All of the firsts that I witnessed, the huge smiles, the
cheers, the high fives… even the tears, the red faces and rolling around on the
ground… whether scaled or rx… inspiring. The conversations Ive had with people
around why the crossfit, learning their lives and making new friends every day…
inspiring. All of it. Its like a breath of fresh air. Im throwing new logs onto
that fire every single day.

I came out of the Opens this year with a positive attitude
and an outlook on the year to come that is finally clear. I did better than I could
have imagined. With each workout, a challenge was faced head on and it felt so
good to feel that “I will no let this defeat me” attitude that I once had come
back with a vengeance. The thought that with every workout that The Little
Monster was able to witness, I was showing him that his Mama is a fighter and
is strong and in control just reinforces the fact that I made the right choice
for myself. I want him to know that he can do anything and everything he sets
his mind to. That change is good and while it can be hard, scary and
challenging… sometimes you have to take a risk and do it. I hope that he tends to his fires and keeps
passion alive with the things he chooses to be passionate about. I want to lead
by example for him…

To my CrossFit Wachusett family… my foundation is with you. The
6 years spent within those walls will be in my mind and heart forever. As one
of you told me “its just a building.” The friendships we have formed are stronger
than those walls. Just because I am no longer part of the 5:30am group or a
member at Wachusett… doesn’t change anything. I will not forget where I came
from. The community of people who supported me, challenged me and friended me
over the years, thank you. Keep working hard, keep supporting one another and
keep kicking ass!

To my 696 family… thank you. Thank you for welcoming me in and
making me feel at home every single day. I cant thank you all enough for how
awesome the Opens were, I don’t think words can actually describe how full my
emotions are. Friday Night Lights were epic! Each one of you inspired me to push
as hard as I could and be the best I could be. The coaches; Chris, Jay, Kiwi
and Lindsay… I cant say thank you enough for the encouragement, coaching and well…
yelling at me. Your excitement and confidence in me motivates me. The best is
yet to come and I am holding on tight for the ride.

My goal right now is to tend to all of the fires in my life.
Get those that I know need help, back blazing again.

Sometimes, if your lucky… when you wake up in the morning
after the campfire goes out while your sleeping… and you drop a piece of newspaper
into the fire pit… it starts to smoke… the fire you thought had burned out…
just needs a little attention. Remember that.

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About Me

I am a 30-something year old woman, "Mama" to a toddling little boy, married and holding a Masters of Architecture. I like to work (yep one of those people who actually love my job and enjoy working extra hours). So really, I am blogging about myself, an "average" woman working full time and on a mission to be healthy both physically and mentally.