Dealing with a momma's boy

My FI and i have been together nearly 7 years and have lived together the past 3. He is 25 years old, and a recent college graduate. We have gotten in numerous arguements about how he needs to grow up and be independent.

For example he will hoard his laundry if he knows that we are visiting his parents and have her do it for him. I do laundry every day. As long as it makes it to the hamper, it gets done. I said something to him about it and FMIL of course had to step in and say that she loves doing laundry and anything for HER Matthew. *Rolls eyes*

A few weeks ago his xbox took a crap and instead of saving for a few weeks for a new one, he mentioned it to his mommy and she bought him a new one. I got really upset with both of them because at 23 and 25, both out of college its about time that we start handling these things on our own.

She constantly sends him cards in the mail, like 2-3 a week, and includes $for lunches. Um I cook most nights and there is always a lunch packed for him, or he is at home and can fix himself something to eat.

Then last night he went to stay with them becuase he has a few interviews this morning and we are in the process of moving back to that side of the state. We (he and I) had gotten into an arguement over our rehearsal dinner, because FMIL all of a sudden decided that she wants to host it after, i had already done most of the planning but doesnt want to host it where i had already booked So after getting really upset, he says to me ” We will figure it out, we have time” and then goes onto say that “we can go look at some options today” and i realized that the we he was referring to is he and his mom, not he and i. I dont want to make him choose between she and i, but i just want to feel that we are equal.e knew that i had already booked, but instead of sticking up for his soon to be wife, he agreed with her and are going today to find a resturant.

Im sure this all seems silly and im acting really over dramatic but something has to change. I am terrified that when we do move, and are much closer to her that things are just going to get worse.

I have tried talking to him, and he says he understands yet i see no change.

Not sure what to suggest, but this is one of the reasons why I wanted to date an older guy after my last relationship with a 20something!

How close are you to his mom? Could you try talking to her?

It’s hard to know what to do. I think she raised him wrong TBH… in my opinion, good moms raise their boys to be independent and not have to rely on a woman (their wife or their mom) to do stuff like cleaning and laundry.

The way I see it is either he has to WANT to cut the cord, or you have to take over the mom duties (which I don’t recommend!).

@canarydiamond: he and his mom dont really get along, which i am sure has a lot to do with it.

Growing up it was just my mom and I, so independence was something that i was taught early on. I totally agree that he was raised wrong and he claims to see that too. We have had many discussions about how our children will be raised. He sees my upbringing as cold and unloved, where i see his as sickening lol.

@mattsgirl813: The obviusly get along pretty well if she is doing all this stuff for her Matthew….eww.

He seriously needs to cut the cord a bit. It is hard for mom’s. Did she become this way after you guys got engaged or has she been this way even while you dated? My MIL got way more clingy after we became engaged. She continued just after we got married but then started to back off becuase she realized she wasn’t #1 in his life anymore.

@mattsgirl813: I am going to chalk this up to my same situation: mama is gettin’ clingy. My DH at least realized this and it got better, and it may get better for you after you’re married, but moving closer may make it worse, I don’t know. We have always lived an hour and a half away. I think she is just seeing that she isn’t #1 anymore.

Like me, you’re dealing with a very sensitive situation that I don’t think you can change unless your FI wants it to change. Your situation is a little bit touchier becuase it seems your Fi hasn’t really grown up. My MIL just wanted DH to spend the night every weekend and be home, but he never expected his laundry done or anything.

What is your FI’s parent’s relationship like? I only ask becuase that is another reason my DH’s mom is clingy. Her relationship with FIL sucks. They won’t get divorced, but they don’t get along and they have no love for each other.

@mattsgirl813: I could never a mama’s boy. I can’t respect men who won’t cut the apron strings. You should be his priority, not his mother. What he should have said when she wanted to change your booking was, “WE already made the decision and are going with x, but thanks for the offer.” You can’t make someone change and maybe the behaviour is too engrained to do anything about. Unless he wants to make it happen, it won’t.

You said you have talked to him about it, but it’s time to be firm. Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you, or with his mom? I would not spend the rest of my life dealing with her being overbearing and overly involved in my life (considering you two are a unit, she will be bothering both of you, not just him). He needs to stand up to her and based on your description, I’m not sure he will :-

@MrsPanda99: This continued about 3 months after we were married (maybe even a bit longer). She would beg us or him to come spend the night on the weekends. He just had to tell her that even though we (he and I) spend every day together, it is nice to have the weekends to just us. When she didn’t get it, he got a little more bold and said, “Mom, no 28 year old man spends the night at his mommy’s anymore when he has a wife. Sorry.” I was SUPER proud of him for that!! Lol. I was not opposed to spending some weekends there, but she NEVER comes to visit us and two, when we go there she doesn’t really want to spend time with us or DH. She wants us to do stuff her husband won’t help her do.

@mattsgirl813: Man, this is a tough situation. I guess the most you can do is talk to DH and try to make him aware of how unhealthy this is becoming for a mature adult. Doing his laundry and going to talk about rehearsal stuff when it is YOUR wedding too is just not cool.

Free Xbox? Free lunch money? I wouldn’t care. I would try not to take it personally.

As for the rehearsal dinner, isn’t it traditionally the groom’s family that hosts it?

That said, I get where you are coming from. Since you already booked a place for the rehearsal dinner, I would definitely talk to her about it. Not through your FI, but directly to her in a polite way.

No advice, but why do you do laundry every day?! In any event, it sounds like you’re trading in one mommy for another if you’re just fighting with his mom for the “right” to do things for him like making lunches and doing laundry.

@kay01: I do a load every day it usually alternates between towels/lights and darks. We live in an apartment and our washer is not average size and with more than 4 or so towels it doesnt work right. I dont do everything for him what so ever, yes i do laundry and pack leftovers into a container when we clean up dinner, but he still does a good share of the duties too. She never tought him how to do these things. He literally didnt know how to start a dishwasher or even begin to know how to do laundry. When we first moved in together i had to tape a how-to above the washer.

@mattsgirl813: This is something I think you need to talk to your FI about each time a situation comes up where the MOM is over-stepping her boundaries. Show him examples, tell him why it makes you upset, and come to an agreement about what the resolution should be (for now and/or next time that happens). Your FI needs to realize he is becoming YOUR husband and you and him need to have each other’s back over any other relationship. Yes, him and his mother will still have a special bond, but YOU are his #1 and you two are the ones building the life and family together. It will only get worse if he doesn’t start seeing and changing his ways by setting boundaries now. Just remember to be calm, understanding and honest when you talk to him, and make sure he sees that it is hurtful to your guys’ relationship. Good luck!