A list of God’s least favorite things

#12 Blasphemy

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I want to focus on something which has always infuriated Me – blasphemy!

Many people think that it’s no big deal to take My Name in vain. They don’t even think about it, they just curse Me as a matter of habit.

I hear it constantly. “Goddamnit!” they say. Or “Holy Fucking Christ that hurts!” Or “God is a self-absorbed ass-pirate who doesn’t give a flying fuck about us!”

HOW DARE YOU HUMANS MAKE FUN OF ME?! I created you!

You people mock me every day and in every language. And I hate being mocked! In fact, nothing makes Me angrier. I devoted an entire commandment to preventing it, and I spend most of My Time smiting sarcastic douchebags who think I don’t exist. But that’s fine with Me.

I love chasing down blasphemers and smiting them. Just last night, there was this guy in New Jersey who was making all these smart-ass jokes about Me at a bar. So I gave him penile cancer. Who’s funny now funny guy?

See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.

I guess you could say I’m the sensitive type. Or you might say I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Whatever.

penile cancer…that’s pretty harsh….i always figured using your name in vain was a good way to vent frustrations over things you just can’t understand….if you don’t like blasphemy you shouldn’t make everything so freaking hard to deal with….situations which lend themselves to questioning why you would create them in the first place….yeah…think about that God.

On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.

For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.

Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.