I would prefer to have no Klout, thanks.

Look. I never signed up for Klout but somehow, there I was on the site with my score and a “score analysis” and a list of people I influence (which um, hi, I don’t even influence my dogs, so whatever that’s dumb).

Here’s the thing. I’m a raging hippie (that doesn’t make sense) and I hate shit like this. I hate scores and honestly, if you’re the kind of person who goes around talking about how you have Klout (sadly, these people exist), I’d kind of like to punch you in the face. While we’re at it, I hate websites with their lists of top blogs and the like. First of all, the blogs listed on lists of top blogs are never very good and, anyway, who in the hell who isn’t in, like, middle school gives a shit about this crap? It’s all babble and bullshit if you ask me.

I also hate Klout because it makes people spam my Twitter feed. I’m always seeing shit about how somebody gave someone +K about being a spammy asshole on the internet or whatever. Today, there were like 900 tweets about some stupid Spotify shit, which you can access if you have Klout (which, as I soon will reveal, you have if you have a public Twitter account).

Because I was on Klout against my will, I ended up linking my Twitter account so I could at least exert some control over what information about me was presented on the site. I thought maybe I could just delete my Klout profile and be done with it. Well, no. If you have a public Twitter account, you’re going to be on Klout, your desire to not be on Klout be damned. I don’t want to make my Twitter private and deprive my legions of fans who don’t actually follow me of the awesome things I say about an under-appreciated baseball team when I’m drunk, so that’s not a good option.

So. What do you do when you have a profile you don’t want on a website you think is dumb and you can’t delete it? If you’re me, you try to get banned.

How do you get banned from Klout? I have no idea. I googled it and came up with this, which is hilarious and illustrates the complete stupidity of Klout but doesn’t actually tell you how to get banned.

So, I figure I’ll start with the basics and do what I do best — using terrible, inappropriate language. You can see the result on my stupid-ass Klout page, which I can only hope is currently updating my True Assholery number. I’ll let you know how this goes. In the meantime, if you want to give me +K on “being an asshole on the internet,” I’ll take it.

Update: In a new effort to get my account deleted, I searched Klout help and found this:

If you would like to delete your registration, please email contact@klout.com and we will process your request within 5 business days. All personal information that you submitted to Klout during registration will be completely deleted from our database within 30 days.

I emailed and I’ll let you know what happens!

Update: Some person named Lan “deleted my Klout account” for me. All this means is that it appears that I never signed up for Klout. Unfortunately, as a result, my “Fucking shit Klout is dumb” name and position as Brand Ambassador of Your Ass no longer appear when you view my profile. My picture and Klout score are still on the site, against my will I might add. Clearly, Lan and I have a different understanding about what “delete” means.

Fucking shit Klout is dumb.

Update: As of November 1, 2011, you can delete your Klout profile. (You can see a screenshot of the page here.) If you don’t have an active Klout account, to access the “opt out” page you have to sign into Klout with Twitter. Then go to profile settings. It appears to work — I just tried it and my profile seems to no longer exist. Sweet!