the boy :: isaac

the baby :: ezra

Baby #4 | September 19, 2014

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

It's really true, after two ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat on the doppler, the Fontaine five are continuing on to be those six Fontaine's.

Conversion van jokes. Telling Tony to put a knot in it. Asking if any of our kids were planned.

At this point I think we've heard it all.

Considering that my previous standard was planned babies on even months of odd years, I think all bets are off with this unexpected blessing!

To just put it out there, I haven't been on any birth control for the past 5 plus years. I attempted to use a birth control pill right before we got married, was crazy stressed in the last month before the wedding, but realized soon after that while the event was past us, the psychotic feelings remained, until I ditched the pill. After that, I had a short stint using the nuvaring, until there were health concerns related to it, and I just decided forgo the hormones in favor of charting to try to avoid, until we were trying to conceive. I considered an IUD, but since we were considering the possibility of having a forth child, I wasn't sure if we were a good fit.

Was it smart to go without, no. Absolutely not, but it worked beautifully for us, until, well, until this fall just got completely out of hand. The stress I was under, trying to work full time, manage my business, minimally help Tony move our family, and the resulting two plus hours commuting to Minneapolis each day took it's toll and my body ovulated 4 weeks late in October, pushing back November and still somehow screwed up December. Due to the fluctuation, I was off my game and when January rolled around I couldn't remember when my last period was.

I vaguely thought it should have been the first week of December and when January 7th rolled around, I thought enough with it already and packed up the kids to buy some pregnancy tests. I, of course did test as soon as I got home, but same as with Miri, hadn't realized I bought blue dye tests, which are known for their false positives. Sure enough, there was a faint line, but I didn't believe it.

We were having my family over that night, so I asked Tony to stop at Walgreen's and buy some sour cream, which we didn't really need, and a pregnancy test. I didn't want to put him into high alert through text, but I should have been honest that the pregnancy test was much more needed than the sour cream. Wouldn't you know, the Walgreen's he went to was out of sour cream, and instead of buying a pregnancy test there, he just figured he'd buy one at the grocery store in town when he grabbed the sour cream.

The grocery store in our outer rings suburb has their pregnancy tests under lock and key, so Tony was just about to ask for someone to get the key, when he ran into my Mom and StepDad grabbing a few items to bring to our house. Talk about a close call. I remember basically nothing of that evening, just willing my family to leave, so I could go buy a pregnancy test. Finally at around 10:30pm, I was able to get my hands on two highly overpriced tests. I vowed to wait until morning, forcing myself to wait until 5:00am, even though I woke up several times that night.

I took the test.

Placed it on the counter.

And walked out of the bathroom.

Tony has shared in the past that he'd like to find out with me, and once, while trying after our loss, we flipped over the digital, to both read at the same time "not pregnant." Remembering his wish, I thought it would be a nice change of pace for him to know even before me.

If there is one thing that drive me bananas about Tony, it's that he snoozes. And snoozes. And snoozes. And it's only been made worse that I'm still in bed with him, opposed to having left the house at least an hour before he woke up. So now he snoozes and cuddles, and snoozes and cuddles, and let me tell you, this girl's cuddle threshold is long met before Tony even thinks about getting out of bed. So there I am, dying for him to finally get out of bed and go to the bathroom, all while he's trying to enjoy his leisurely beginning to the day.

Finally, he got up and I watched as he began to close the bathroom door and did a double take to the counter top. Within 2 seconds the door was back open, as he excitedly said "What does this mean?" I asked whether there were 2 lines or 1 and his response "There's one." I'm gong to be honest, I was flooded with relief, but had a slight hesitancy and quickly said "So there isn't a 2nd line?" And he will never live this down, as he paused to say "Well, no, there's two!"

He came back to bed, as I laughingly said "Well that makes a huge difference! That means I'm pregnant!"

We were both pretty stunned for a bit, as I quickly figured out that meant September. Giving up two September weddings. Six thousand dollars. A new vehicle. Uncertainty regarding how our new insurance, MediShare, would cover the pregnancy. If my midwife was even in the network. Whether the drive would be worth it and a slew of other concerns.

We prayed about it and I kind of stayed in a state of delirium for the rest of the day, heck I'd even say for a few weeks. I finally looked into MediShare and turns out, since it's a loop hole to the ACA, pregnancy was considered a pre-existing condition, which sent Tony and I into a complete tailspin, considering a homebirth for financial reasons. Thankfully, I've since learned that we will just barely fall into a one week grace period, as the baby was likely conceived the last week of December and we switched coverage Jan 1.

I'm not sure I can be completely honest, as some close friends haven't seemed to recover from my complete honesty.

Combined with the transition to be a work from home mom, this terribly awful winter, feeling ostracized from friends due to our move and my certainty that 2014 was our rebuilding year for our marriage, our family, working out and my business, I have hit several low points throughout the first trimester.

It has physically pained me that so many close family and friends have longed to be pregnant, just one healthy pregnancy, and for whatever reason, God has removed any barrier in that capacity for Tony and I. So many highly desired babies and yet, there I sat for several days and weeks, actually mad that I was pregnant.

It took me awhile to work up the anger to finally rail against God. It's not who I am. It isn't a position that I've found myself in often. But one night, as I finally let it build enough to bare my anger at God and express how wildly inappropriate I thought it was for His plan to include another child in our family this year, given all the goals I'd made, the door bell rang. Being that it was a blustery January night, I was annoyed to be interrupted in general, but especially since I had finally worked up the nerve to be angry. As I turned the corner to the door, I was surprised to find two Christians from the local church stopping by to welcome us to the city, 3 months later, and share about their church. As I listened to them and politely thanked them for their time, I completely forgot what I'd been in the middle of, but as soon as I shut the door, holding a New Testament in my hand, it quickly came back to me that I'd literally just voiced to God "What were you thinking?!" And in response, in the middle of that thought, He'd answered me. No matter where we were, He was with us. Whether His plan or our choices, He was with us. It was my "Sit down and shut up" moment, not that I really think that's how God talks to us, but it was how it was received.

His plans provide a future for us and give Him glory. And He will be glorified in this pregnancy, this baby and our family.

I'll never call this baby an accident, because it never has been. We were surprised, but unexpected blessings that shock us by their very nature often do.

14 comments:

Congratulations! We're due with our unexpected and very astonishing new baby at the end of September:) And as someone who waited a long time for my first and wrestled through those whys, the only place I can ever land is that God is good and He is extremely purposeful and His ways are not our ways. Some women He asks to wait and others He continues to give but the circumstances, lessons, refinements and trials are all purposeful and perfectly orchestrated. Babies are not manmade or even planned by man, they are given and created and perfectly timed by God. Enjoy your baby #4!

Oh my goodness! I appreciate your honesty so much! We just had our 3rd baby boy last month and I know if we were blessed with a surprise pregnancy next year we would be facing the same questions and struggles as you and Tony are now. It's not in the budget. We don't have a car big enough. We don't even have a house big enough. But God is big enough. He is good and He is faithful. And oh the joy this baby will bring! Praying for you and your family as you prepare to become a family of 6. =)

I love your honesty, Leah. Sawyer was a HUGE surprise for us. But I never called it an accident either! I just knew it was God's plan and I know He knows better than I ever will! You will be fine. Oh, there will be moments of craziness (maybe months?) but oh wow, the love that will ensue :) Congrats, again!

Without a surprising #4 I wouldn't have my beloved little sister (despite my moms nerves at the time), and I can't imagine my life without her ! I love your honesty Leah ! and hope you enjoy this pregnancy and that blessing growing inside of you. ;) <3 you!

We are in a very similar place right now, expecting baby #3 in October. Even down to the charting being messed around with stress. My fertility friend chart says it should have been very unlikely to conceive on that cycle, but we did. The logistic of it all are a little bit scary, but I have faith that God know better than we do on why this is the right time to add to our family. Prayers and blessing for another sweet, healthy baby!

I totally understand...especially the insurance aspect of it, because ours SUCKS for maternity coverage now. Justin and I were talking about all the surprises that have been popping up on FB and IG lately and he said, "I wouldn't mind a surprise!"

I said, "I think I'd be furious!" knowing full well that it would make me even more furious not to *say* that I was furious since some of our close friends and family are walking through infertility issues right now.

But more than anything, congratulations. It's going to be a year you never forget :)

Great post. I am looking into the same "insurance" that you switched to right now...would you mind answering some questions sometime? I don't know anyone else that's gone that route, but think it could be a good fit for us. Congrats again on #4:-) Oh & He will provide; always has, always will!

Does God have perfect timing or what? I agree with Kristal, this time next year you will be thinking back, remembering how baby love #4 was revealed and wondering how you could ever imagine your life without these 4 blessings in it. That being said, I love how you are still thinking of others who are walking the path of longing for their own blessing. I am one of 4 kids and wouldn't have traded my sisters for anything! Your new home will always be filled with love and laughter!!!

not being a mom, I can only imagine the feelings you were flooded with at such an unexpected turn. how can anyone not understand your position or fault you for your honesty? I look forward to seeing your belly grow as well as your family. you're a great mom, leah.