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Creating an empowering space for your kids

One of the most challenging parts of parenting is dealing with our kids’ bad choices.

Sure you want your son to grow up to become a healthy adult who makes wise choices, solves problems and serves his community, but what does that look like when you’re fighting the temptation to wring his scrawny neck?

Our kids invoke emotions in us that we didn’t even know we could feel. They run the gamut from the greatest love we have ever known to a nearly murderous rage.

Often, in the heat of overwhelming anger, parents resort to controlling their kids and even taking revenge on them. Yes, it’s true, most parents have resorted to revenge tactics at one point or another. If you have ever found yourself thinking, “He is going to PAY for what he did” or “I’ll make sure he feels the same kind of pain that he caused,” you are probably guilty of using vengeful parenting methods.

Control says, “I’m bigger, I’m stronger, and I hold the purse strings, so I can MAKE him do what I want him to do.” That’s not much more effective than revenge.

So the question is, how do we confront our child’s bad behavior in a way that empowers him to learn from his mistakes and grow wiser with more self control?

First, we have to recognize that confronting our kids should not look like an attack. We like the word conference when we’re talking about confronting our kids because it invokes ideas of brainstorming, problem solving and teamwork. Our kids need to know we are on their team, and our only goal is to help them grow into the awesome adults they are meant to become.

Once we have calmed down, which could mean going to another room, breathing deeply, praying, journaling and even seeking some wise counsel, we need to think through what went wrong, the child’s potential motives for the behavior, how he could have met his needs in a healthier way and some possible steps he can take to right his wrongs.

Then we need to remember all that is great about him. What are his strengths? What is his inner genius? In what ways is he a blessing to you and to others?

If we approach him as the kid who screwed up royally, we will only invoke his best defense mechanisms -- his inner lawyer, whose job it is to help him get off the hook. His inner lawyer doesn’t solve problems. It’s his inner genius is the one you need to work with.

This approach creates a space where the child understands that he is deeply loved and valued, and because you the parent want to help him learn to be his best and to live his best life, he can trust you.

When he sees your compassion, he can extend compassion to himself. Self-compassion combats shame, so instead of trying to shamefully hide his mistakes, he is more willing to lay them bare. Then, as a team, parent and child can identify the problem and find real solutions.

Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman host POP Parenting, a one-hour weekly syndicated talk radio show. For more information, go to www.jenniandjody.com, visit the Jenni and Jody Facebook page or follow them on Twitter @JenniandJody.