hamburger (thing)

Okay, Chillen, you've heard all about the contents and
evils of hamburgers, but you have not yet been given good, clear instructions on
how to make one. The good old fashioned American Hamburger is a staple in the
free world, or at least, the gluttonous free world.

A quick note before we begin. There is no
differentiation between a hamburger and a cheeseburger. That's like calling a
hamburger with tomato on it a tomatoburger. Ludicrous, I say. Alright,
now that we have that out of the way, on to the ingredients. What you'll need to
make yerself a extremely palatable burger is the following:

What you'll wanna do here is take the ground beef, and
manhandle it into a single, glorious patty. Sprinkle the seasoned salt onto your
patty on both sides. Turn your stove on medium heat, and fry that bi-otch
with a tasty groove. No charbroiling, you want as much grease in the patty as
possible (Consult your doctor before attempting this).

With your patty on the skillet, put a lid over it to keep
moisture and heat in. Check every minute or so. Try to keep the patty in as much
grease as possible, to marinate. When blood starts to rise out of the patty
(8-9 minutes), it is time to flip it over. Let the other side of your patty cook
in the same manner, in the grease, with a lid on. After 5-6 minutes, poke a fork
into your patty and see if blood or grease oozes out. If you see any blood, keep
cooking. However, when you see grease come out of the fork holes, it's time for
the cheese.

Layer your cheese on top of the hamburger patty and place
the lid over your skillet. In about 15-20 seconds, your cheese should be
sufficiently melted. Turn off the heat, but leave the patty under the lid until
your condiments are prepared.

Take your sesame seed roll, and butter it. Then, place
both buttered pieces on another skillet (or the same one, if you want the
grease...Mmmmm). Fry the buttered side of the roll to your liking. While still
warm, spread Miracle Whip on the roll generously. Now it is time for your
patty and roll to meet in a sensuous dance of calorific plentitude.

Take your patty, which is by now covered in hot melting
cheese, and place it on your roll. On the top of the patty, place your tomato
slices, so they mingle with the cheese. Now is the perfect time to add any
condiments of your liking to the burger. However, Do Not Use Ketchup.
Ketchup will destroy the cheese's flavor and eat away at your juicy tomatoes. If
you've cooked your burger right, it will be so juicy itself that adding ketchup
would be a travesty. Once finished with the condiment adding, place the top of
your roll on the burger.

Prepare your drink of choice (root beer, perhaps), and
eat with extreme prejudice. Enjoy the cheese, the juicy tomatoes, the hot,
dripping slab of cow. Thank your god for making such pleasure possible. Only use
a napkin when you have completely demolished your hamburger. Now it is time to
pass out on the couch, euphoric from a satiated bloodlust that can only come
from: The Super Terrific Commie Hating American Hamburger.