House of Cards – How to Talk Like Frank Underwood

TRANSLATION: As they say in Gaffney, “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” And as the President of the United States, my days are more important than those of the average man. But which cereal, pray tell, should I feast upon as a prelude to this glorious morn?

Captain Crunch? Hardly seems worth the time of a man of my stature. Why would a sea captain be so interested in cereal anyway? It boggles the mind.

Lucky Charms? Bland oats and sugary marshmallows. My teeth hurt just thinking about it and really, is there such a thing as luck? I’ve gotten where I am through sheer will and determination. Dumb luck had nothing to do with it.

Fruity Pebbles? As delightful as it would be to watch my milk turn various colors I must resist as this Flintstones themed product harkens my mind back to prehistoric times – the days when a man was allowed to be a man. If he wanted food, he killed it. If he wanted something, he took it. And if he wanted a woman, he took her.

Oh how I would have been a god had I lived amongst early man. It’s best to not remind myself about what I missed out on.

Perhaps I’ll just have some Kashi Go Lean. Mix in some fruit. Full of fiber. Good for the bowels. Cleanses them of their deepest, darkest secrets, the things you don’t want anyone else to know about, the things everyone has done but ironically, no one would ever forgive you for.