Brooklyn, IL: I’m learning all sorts of interesting things about Illinois. Good thing, too, because I may be moving there. Did you know there were two towns named Brooklyn in Illinois? One is in Schuyler County…it’s just a little unincorporated village. The other is in the dreaded Metro East across the river from St. Louis. It soon became evident to me that the Brooklyn in Metro East is a fuck-hole. In 2000, the census showed 676 souls, but the streets are lined with strip clubs and bars. Nothing fancy here, folks. It is where prostitutes go when they get too skanky for the big city. It’s dangerous enough to hire a prostitute, let alone some toothless, scabby sow with a crotch that looks like the inside of a dog’s mouth.

Todd Dittenber, 49, claims that’s exactly what he was looking for when he pulled over and tried to lure a 15-year-old girl into his van on January 25 of 2009. The victim was dressed in tight jeans and a waist-length coat with the hood up. According to her testimony, Todd pulled over in his cool, fancy van and asked her if she would like to get inside the van where it was warm. She told him “no” and kept walking. He followed her and two more times asked her to get in the van with him. She again refused. This poor kid was trying to walk to church!

The attorney for Dittenber, Douglas Forsyth claimed Ditty thought the girl was a prostitute and thought she was older. Forsyth said that if Dittenber were out to abduct a child, he wouldn’t have taken “no” for an answer. Perhaps, Doug, but everyone knows that prostitutes don’t usually say no. I would assume that a real prostitute would have been a little less polite. I don’t know if this is true, but I’ve heard that old whores store man-junk in their cheeks like a chipmunk and when provoked, they can spit it like cobra venom. I’ll take their word for it.

“When you hold out a community as an open bazaar for sex, when the village’s founding fathers and founding mothers allow sex clubs in their communities, then your children aren’t going to be safe, especially when they don’t look like children,” Forsyth said. Well, I guess it’s alright then, huh? Say Doug, what do you suppose Todd was doing with a ski mask, tape, and a rope under the seat of his van? The State of Illinois has this great law that says the victim does not have to enter the vehicle in order for the perpetrator to be charged with child abduction. Good thing, too, because I think this jack-off would have eventually killed a child.

On August 12th, Dittenber was found guilty of child abduction. The above picture is Todd outside the St. Clair County Courthouse, waiting while the jury deliberated. I thought there was some unspoken rule about looking your best while on trial. I’m not too sure that cum-crusty shirt he’s wearing qualifies. After he was found guilty, he dropped his head into his folded hands. Too bad it was still connected to his fucking neck.

What the jury was not allowed to hear, was that seven months before this incident, Todd was arrested at Silver Lake Park in Highland, Illinois where, on July 28th; he attempted to gesture for two nine-year-old girls to come over to where he was fishing. The girls were horrified and the police were called again. I guess they looked like prostitutes, too, eh Todd? He was charged with disorderly conduct on that incident and a trial date was set for September 16th. Todd once again put that giant mind of his to work. Hey, he wasn’t motioning for the girls to come over. Nooo! He was trying to shoo them away from his fishing spot. Good luck with that one, ya fucknugget.

The judge in the case has set a sentencing hearing for October 11th. I hope part of his sentence includes him eating that horse shit shirt he’s wearing.