Ask E. Jean: How Can I Erase the Memory of Her?

In the name of meeting someone new, E. Jean offers this man up on a silver platter.

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DEAR E. JEAN: I'm a 29-year-old guy with a sad story. Seven years ago I fell in love with a girl who was admittedly out of my league but who sought to be in a relationship with me anyway. She was the first person to give me hope that I could be somebody and have a good life. Then she left me abruptly for a younger guy—a film producer (followed by several other guys)—but promised that if she ever didn't have a serious boyfriend, she'd give me another chance.

I waited for her and changed my life based on what I thought she wanted. I changed jobs, got an advanced degree, moved closer to her apartment, went to the gym every night, and started wearing $2,500 blazers. I did all these things specifically for her, down to getting $80 haircuts.

Well, I got my wish. She broke up with her last boyfriend, and I took her to dinner. She con- fessed that her latest fling was the 18-year-old stoner next door. (Not exactly on par with what I thought she wanted.) And after two hours she said it was not going to happen between us.

I built my life on the hope she gave me! Isn't there some way I can prove my worth to her? I love her. But more than that, my confidence and my excitement about the future have been built on the promise of someday getting her. I take her refusal as a sign that even though I try my hardest, I'm nowhere near deserving of happiness. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. Can I salvage this?
—Knocked Out of the Ring

KNOCKED, OLD SPORT: My God! It would be something to be loved by such a man as you—a chap who tests his strength for seven years (the chumps, dickweeds, blowhards, and dolts we hear about in the Ask Eeee column usually last about seven seconds) to win the woman he loves. But, my dear fellow, in this case, the lady is...well, I love her, of course. Who wouldn't like a female Humbert Humbert who has an affection for faunlets? But she's not worthy of you. Not! Not! Not! Not!

Thus, I have a difficult task. Nothing is more impossible than telling a man who loves the wrong woman to slip on one of his $2,500 blazers and start loving someone else. But that is what you must do. I refrain from setting a time limit here. A man can't conquer his passion for a woman, the very thought of whom caused him to go to the gym 2,555 days in a row, until he meets the woman who makes him forget the first woman.

So, you can either (a) force yourself to meet fascinating females attending dinner parties and college alumni events and volunteering at the ASPCA, or (b) you can let fascinating women come to meet you. If any heroine reading this would like to try to change your mind, she may send you an e-mail c/o E.Jean@ AskEJean.com with the subject line: KNOCKED. And I will forward it to you. If the right woman writes—well, I don't think you will have much difficulty imagining what might happen next.