Panache

Summary:

A short fill for the kinkmeme. Sollux infers that menstruation means genital injury and reacts with horror; Jade, after a brief period of taking offense, makes a terrible pun. They thoroughly spoil the mood despite the best of intentions, so nothing happens.

Notes:

The only rules for the prompt were that non-smut was preferred and that this line had to be included in Jade's dialogue: "You should be grateful I'm even wearing cute matching underwear just for you! No, you know what!? Scratch that, you should be grateful I'm wearing underwear, period!"

Work Text:

"So," Jade exclaims as she closes her respiteblock door, "we've got some privacy now! Are you feeling lucky?"

"Basically never," Sollux answers, perched on the end of her bed and glowing purple with anticipation, "but I think this is going to be pretty-"

"Because you're in luck today!" she interrupts as she unzips her summer dress at the back, pushing it down and wiggling a little until it falls in a heap around her feet. "Ta-daaaa!" she exclaims, grinning and pointing proudly at her breasts.

"What is that?" he asks, staring at the pastel red-and-blue bee-patterned bra. Jade does a little shimmy to the bed and cups his face in her hands, tilting his head up and planting a kiss on his fanged mouth. His hands immediately come to rest on her hips as she traces the seam of his lips with her tongue; his thin fingers freeze in place for a moment before he rubs curiously at the upper hem of her matching panties.

"Nice, huh?" she asks as he draws back and looks at them.

"Yeah, but I meant it. What is that, do humans wear this stuff all the time?" he asks, eyebrows lowering uncertainly. "Was I meant to be wearing it too? Is it like some mating garment or something? Do I - can I take it off?"

"Well, yes to that last thing," Jade answers in bemusement. "Girls wear this stuff all the time. A lot of girls, anyway. Usually."

"FF-" he begins, then falls silent for a moment. "Trolls don't."

"Are you saying you're not wearing anything?" she asks, eyebrows rising as she grins.

"But..." He falters under her stare. "I'm wearing pants. Pants aren't enough? Do humans just gush fluids from their nooks constantly or something so you need extra - fuck, that's indecent, sorry."

"No! I mean we bleed for a week once every month, but I'm not..." she says, but as he reflexively draws his legs closer together, looking for all the world like she's described genital injury, she trails off.

"There's nothing wrong with them, you jerk!" she snaps, affronted. "I bet your weird alien junk is pretty freaky too, but I was going to be nice about it!"

"My weird alien junk doesn't spew blood all over the place!" he retorts. "Except twice, but I was dying so it doesn't even count!"

"You're lucky you even got this close to my human junk, mister," she says, leaning down to poke him in the chest. "And you should be grateful I'm even wearing cute matching underwear just for you!"

"I don't even know what that means!" exclaims Sollux, throwing his hands up in frustration.

"No, you know what!?" Jade continues, so caught up in the righteous diatribe that she tosses her hair a little as she plants her hands on her hips. "Scratch that, you should be grateful I'm wearing underwear, period!"

"Yeah, so you won't shoot blood at me-"

"Because now you don't even need to see my awesome human junk!" she finishes triumphantly. Sollux stares at her for a long moment before frowning like a person who, having started out confidently in one direction and spent the best part of the day traveling, realizes too late that it's the direction opposite the one intended all along. It is, regardless of species, the face of someone who has made a terrible mistake.

"Well it's too late now, butthole!" Jade announces, then stares at him for a long moment before frowning like a person who, having confidently mixed together all the ingredients for a cake, has opened the oven to find that half the sugar has been left out and the result is an anemic pastry puck. It is, regardless of species, the face of someone who thinks that things really could have gone better.

"Yeah, that's fair. Sorry I was a jerk about your alien stuff," Sollux mumbles. "Those things you're wearing are kind of cute too. I, uh, I like the bees?"

"Thanks," she answers before dropping her hands to her sides with a rueful half-smile. "Let's see yours."

"I told you I'm not wearing it. Whatever it is. What would it even look like?"

"I mean your awesome troll parts, stupid." Laughing, she flops on the bed beside him, pulling his arm until he sprawls back on the cushions. "Jeez, this is not how I imagined this going."

"We started out pretty good," Sollux deadpans, staring at the ceiling, "until I got distracted by your amazing bees."

"I was leading up to this great pun too, because..." She rolls over and props herself up with her chin in her hands, looking down at him. "Okay, are you ready for this?"

"Um. Yeah, sure."

"Really?"

"If this is that thing where you're leading up to a lame joke for a long time, I swear-"

"But are you positive?" she asks intensely, staring into his eyes.

"For fuck's sake, GG-"

"They're B cups!" she exclaims, grinning. Sollux stares at her for a long moment before shaking his head slowly, mouth set in a serious and thoughtful line.

Comment Actions

Hahaha, I didn't guess this one was you but when I saw your name attached I was like "of couuuuurse!" Because of all the awesome and hilarious dialogue, and because your fluff is the funniest fluff. The style should have tipped me off immediately.