"It has been the misfortune of this age, that everything is to be discussed, as if the constitution of our country were to be always a subject rather of altercation than enjoyment." - Edmund Burke anticipates the Neverendum

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce the launch of a new pressure group: Humans for Hibernation. Like most pressure groups, ours is born from a frustration that none of the mainstream political parties are addressing our concerns. I ask you to look at the present political landscape in Scotland, what our parties are offering, and to ask yourself: is there anything that even remotely touches on the concerns that are most pressing to us?

None of them have even considered the basic issue facing the Scottish electorate, which is that our country is basically unfit for human habitation and there is never a time when this fact is more obvious than in November. Have any of your political representatives come up with a coherent plan to have our country towed nearer the Mediterranean? They have not. Instead it's all, "What kind of independent Scotland would you like to see? Ooh, I'd like a no-nuclear, wind-powered one where everyone is equal and we all hold hands and celebrate the gorgeous mosaic of our diversity." Oh fuck off! Honestly, if you can't come up with some serious proposals to do something about this business of crawling to work in the dark tunnel that is the Scottish winter, you're just wasting everyone's time. Instead, can we suggest the following?

1) Like the alcoholic, we should acknowledge we have a problem. In our national case, alcohol consumption, contrary to popular belief, is not part of the problem but rather a symptom of pretending there's something normal about this business of crawling to work when it's dark, doing the same on the way home - either in the freezing cold or the horizontal rain. Do our very bones not cry out in protest?

2) Our key manifesto pledge: November should be a national holiday. Exception could be made for vital services, provided that it is understood that education is not counted among these.

3) We are a non-violent pressure group. Should the Scottish Government fail to acknowledge our reasonable demands, we do not advocate self-immolation or even the tiresome business of protesting in a peaceful way. Fuck that - it's raining. Instead we call upon all right-thinking people to be the change in society they'd like to see and have a bed-in, only without the hair. You know it makes sense. We are a non-profit organisation and rely on donations so please feel free to click on the PayPal link below.