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October 12, 2012

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Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

During the vice presidential debate, Joe Biden referred to Benjamin Netanyahu as "BB" and "BB Netanyaz." Which was probably the worst way to let out that the prime minister of Israel is in an underground dance crew.

After Paul Ryan criticized Obama's stimulus package, Biden revealed that Ryan sent two letters asking for stimulus money. To be fair, Wisconsin needed money to educate people on how to wear hats.

On Thursday, Mitt Romney said, “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.” Romney later clarified that he knows people die from lack of insurance, but he refuses to believe anyone lives in apartments.

A Wisconsin state lawmaker endorsed by Paul Ryan reportedly said that “some girls rape easy." "Ugh," said Ryan, "now I have two Republicans I have to distance myself from?"

Scientists say they've discovered a planet made of out diamond. Regardless, astrologers maintain Saturn is a girl's best friend.

It's been reported that the puppeteer behind Big Bird is an active and registered Democrat. "Hey, mine too," said Obama.

Mo Yan was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature for his "hallucinatory realism." And let's not forget his "picture-less imagery" and "real-life symbolism."

This week, Turkey forced a Syrian plane from Moscow to land due to suspicion it was carrying weapons. "Oh, what, because it has wings, you won't shoot it down?" asked the Lusitania.

In response to the grounding, Russia criticized Turkey and demanded an explanation. "At this rate," said Turkey in a phone conversation with its boyfriend, "I might not get to go to prom with you."

According to the Labor Department, the number of people seeking first-time unemployment has decreased. Likewise, according to Mitt Romney, the number of lazy people has dropped to 46 percent.

Obama's director of opinion research commented that the president would “absolutely be reelected" if elections were held today. Especially because only he and Obama would know the date had been moved up.