Lost and Found

My 8 surefire tips to finding whatever you’ve lost. Guaranteed!

Today’s topic is: How to find things that you or a loved one has lost.

TIP #1: It’s your loved one’s fault.

Okay, that’s not necessarily true. But all of us have something that we lose on a regular basis. For example, my five-year-old son, Heshy, is always losing his shoes. And I don’t mean his set of shoes. I mean one sneaker and one dress shoe.

TIP #1: It’s your loved one’s fault.

My wife and I lose things too. We have a cordless phone in our room that almost always ends up under the beds. We never notice that it’s missing until it starts ringing at six in the morning, and then we have four rings to move the beds and find the phone in the dark before it goes to voicemail.

Also, sometimes, if I go to a lot of stores in one day, I lose my car. It’s hard enough to remember where I parked when I go to one store, but if I parked in a different place at each store, it totally throws me. “It was right in front! No, wait. That was the other store.”

Did I leave the car at the other store?

Also, every day I come into class (I teach high-school English), and I have to wait for everyone to find their books. And by the time they do that, the period is over. Then I come in the next day, eager to continue the lesson, and I have to wait, again, while everyone finds their books.

So everyone loses things. But here’s a more specific example: This past Saturday Night, I lost my cell phone.

“Well, where did you lose it?”

I don’t know. If I knew, it wouldn’t be lost.

I’m not panicking, because it’s not my main cell phone – it’s my prepaid emergency backup phone. I’m not one of those people whose entire life is in their phones -- the only two numbers I’ve ever called from it are my house and my wife’s cell phone, and I know both of those numbers by heart. So after searching everywhere in a panic, I’ve kind of been waiting for whoever picked it up to call me. After all, there are only two numbers in the phone.

But it’s been almost a week now, and I still haven’t found it. So I asked around for some tips:

TIP #2: Think about the last place you saw the item.

I remember the last time I saw the phone. My wife and I went to a presentation, and I turned the phone off right before it started. I don’t even know why I brought my phone in the first place. I knew I would have to turn it off, and besides, I only ever use that phone to call my wife, and she was right there with me. And if I hadn’t turned it off, I would just be able to call it and see if anyone picks up.

TIP #3: Check your person. (Your person is you. That’s just how people say it. I don’t think you’re expected to carry a smaller person around and go, “Hi, I’m Mordechai, and this is my person.” But if you do, you should probably check him as well.)

My person doesn’t have my phone. I asked him.

TIP #4: Make sure to check the same five places 68 times. Especially if it’s not a likely place for the thing to be. For example, if you’re looking for your car keys, make sure to keep checking the oven.

TIP #5: Call for the item. Continuously say things like, “I can’t believe this! Where is it?” Like it’s finally going to break down and go, “Here I am!”

As soon as you open the package, the old one will turn up. Guaranteed.

Okay, so that might not happen. But you should definitely keep muttering anyway if there’s someone else in the room, so that he’ll understand why you keep walking in and out and crawling in circles and opening the same three closets 53 times.

TIP #6: If there’s someone else in the room, he should make sure to smirk and say, “It’s always in the last place you look! Ha ha! Get it? Because after you find it, you stop looking!”

Yeah. Ha ha. I wish you would get lost.

“No, you don’t get it!” he’ll say. “Even if it’s in the first place you look, it’s still the last!”

No it’s not. If it’s in the first place you look, it was never missing. (“I was missing my coat, but it was in the first place I looked! Right on the coat rack!”)

Does that theory always work? Sometimes I try to call its bluff. I’ll stand there and go, “Okay, this is the last place I’m looking!” And then I look, and it’s not there. So I have to keep looking. Also, sometimes it’s not in the last place you look -- you check the last place and give up, and then you find the item six months later, when you’re cleaning for Pesach.

TIP #7: Calm down. Whenever I lose something, my wife ends up finding it, and whenever my wife loses something, I end up finding it. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that we should stop hiding each other’s stuff.

But it really has more to do with panicking. When you can’t find something, you panic and start looking in ridiculous places, until you get tired, calm down, and find the item. That’s why it’s always in the last place you thinkto look. So the solution is to have someone else look, or to calm yourself down. If it helps, you can turn the whole thing into a game. You can walk around with a pipe and a magnifying glass and say things like, “Elementary!” This might not help you find what you’re looking for, but you’ll feel a whole lot better.

If all else fails, though, you can go with the most effective tip:

Tip #8: Buy a new one. As soon as you open the package, the old one will turn up. Guaranteed. For example, if you lose your car in a parking lot, the best way to find it is to buy a new car. If that doesn’t work, you can use the new car to drive around the parking lot looking for the old one.

So I think I’m going to deactivate the phone and order a new one. As soon as I do this, I’ll find the old phone, only by then it will be totally useless. But we’ll keep it around for the kids to play with, and from then on, it will always be on the floor, getting kicked around and in the way when we want to look for other things. We always lose stuff because we have so much other stuff to look behind because we keep buying new stuff to replace the stuff that we still have but can’t find because it’s behind all our useless old stuff. So maybe I’ll push it off another day or two.

If you have my phone, call me. I’m at HOME, crawling under the furniture.

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About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, and Cholent Mix, all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...