I hate the noise of apples being eaten. Many will know this by now. Many who’ve eaten an apple near me know it for sure. I hate the noise. Hate it hate it. I hate the snap as the teeth break through the skin, and then the large scraping, and tearing noise as they cut through the flesh. And then the endless, interminable open-mouthed ‘crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch’ as they work their way through that one, first bite. Followed ad nauseum/nausea by 500,000 more bites.

So a piece of music entirely composed of the noise of 3,255 people eating apples?

I am not entirely sure if I can think of anything worse.

Chewing my own legs off at the knees?

Not worse.

Being dropped into a giant tomato from a height?

Not worse.

One person eating 3,255 apples?

Possibly worse.

Gosh, that is possibly worse, I hadn’t thought of that. Ok. The very idea of the noise of 3,255 concurrent apples may be presently turning my stomach – it actually is – but 3,255 consecutive apples?

I can’t think of anything worse.

Anything. In the world.

Unless you start taking mice into consideration.

Oh, piss.

Ok, discounting anything to do with mice – although they’re not *that* much worse, I can’t think of anything worse.

I mean, I certainly can’t think of anything worse in the whole wide world, apart maybe from mice eating apples in my pillow, while I’m locked in a small airless bedroom with several people eating 3,255 consecutive apples, while some other mice run around and scuttle and stuff.