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I have my annual gyno appointment this year on October 31st: Halloween.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be sometime in November but the chick doc is on vacation basically every day during the month of the Turkey. I was left with two options in October and only one of them were doable for me. Unfortunately, it’s smack dab in the middle of the day on the ghouliest day of the year.

I feel strange about this. It’s difficult enough to have someone poke and prod their way into my ever-so-delicate lady parts, but on Halloween?

Something about the idea makes me feel as if bats will fly out of my vagina as soon as she peeks inside.

It’s only appropriate that I take advantage of such an awkward scenario. I’m sure that when I look across the room

as I’m strapped in and spread eagle, I’ll see little doctor’s office decorations on the countertops. Nothing says Happy Halloween like a cute fuzzy spider next to a bin of pap smear swabs.

I could also firmly position a fun house mirror in there. What a nice surprise!

I should probably embrace the celebration by trapping my vagina with Halloween specialties. Perhaps she could be welcomed to the cave by a small bowl of candy. Or I could set up a light-activated hand that shoots out when she shines her little flashlight inside. Maybe I should just keep it simple and get a horror sound effect recording so that when she tells me to scoot up and spread, she’s greeted by Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” and a black light from within. The possibilities are endless!

I could forgo the vagina contraptions altogether and just concoct a fun costume for the event. I could dress my bottom up in brilliant colors and, like a pop-up book, have a bright banner that goes from knee to knee when pulled apart reading “Enter at Your Own Risk”.

Actually, that’s probably a good sign to have mounted for all occasions.

This fun doesn’t have to be reserved for Halloween; we could just go ahead and make it standard. There’s really no other way to make someone poking around your insides any more awkward and uncomfortable, so let’s embrace the nature of the act and take it all the way. It will be a great way to brighten your gyno’s day. Of course we should be inclusive. Men have similarly uncomfortable moments dealing with their lower halves and they should feel free to indulge as well.