I want to maximize life experiences, social interactions and joyous moments, while accumulating knowledge and wisdom about this world and its people, recognizing happiness and contentment along the way and journal these experiences for continuous reflection.

Thoughts
like knives, pierce my heart, slash my mind
tearing me open, forever to remind
of the sharpest thought of all;
The permanence of
Never Again.
Slays me over
and over
again
How to begin ?

The hardest part of it all
is finding meaning in my fall
You must find yourself, they say
All you need to do, is go and find your way
for life is beatiful , and this I agree
but its always someone else’s – beauty
Theres none left for me
Seen from the eyes of the beaten
it all just looks grey

Going throught the motions, without any emotion
numb within and without
does it matter, where i am now ?
Wherever here is, there is no doubt
i’m lost in my head with no way out
Its just easier to stay away
Don’t really have much to say,
when nothing changes
it’s just another day…

Thoughts
like daggers,cut so deep, rips my soul
tearing me, never to be whole
destined from the start;
To live with a
Broken Heart
This slays me over
and over
again
When will it end ?

They always say , why didn’t they
reach out ? But reach out to who?
Reach out to you ?
And burden with what? Theres always a glut
of responsibility to bear
Who has shoulders to spare ? And who’s got the time ? There’s few who could ever find.
And how long since you’ve talked?
We often have to chalk
it up to life getting in the way; Hasn’t it been a dogs age ?
And how uncomfortable is it to stay :To make that small talk , to get to the real thoughts , share some real things and get to some meaning.
And you don’t want to be that one; that person whom is always glum.
No , “Everything is great.”
We lie ’cause we cant say it.
Its impossible to share. How do you express despair ?
How do you show whats numb ? Few see where your coming from.
And then how do you relate with someone that never ached ? At least not like you in your mind , ones mental health cant be defined, and if you really try to share , all you really do is scare , and you don’t want to hurt no more, no one ,
not them , not you , so that makes it more a chore , than reaching out is worth, and anyway, it rarely ever works.
Who’s got answers to things you cant describe ? What help can anyone really provide ?
So you white-knuckle it again, so you don’t burden a friend
so you don’t extinguish another’s light , and add guilt to your night – thoughts , where you get lost
and hope the next new day washes away
the pain. So you never have to reach out again

See , it’s not all doom and gloom and heartache
There are countless paths that you can take
If Change you want , its Your life to remake
If you’ve been sleeping , its time to awake
That drive you once had, that thirst to slake
You can have it again , no need to fake
Do it now ! Before it becomes too late
Before keeping up the illusion becomes too much to take
And the walls that protected you begin to break
Make it real, to your core , inviolate
Its’ all up to you so don’t hesitate
Take your life in your hands, make it great
No more head in the sand, its time to create
A new world as whole , not resigned to Fate
Because if its Change you want
Change you must Make.

How do you slow your thoughts , when they are racing to take you ?
Try not to obsess , but the same thoughts berate you

Another bitter caress , from a mind that just hates you

As you try to suppress , feelings that deflate you

But all there is , is me .. in my head , a bully
All there is , is me … a tyrant , who cruelly
kicks the shit out of me – a sadist , truly.

But If I’m there too , how do i not know ?
Why don’t I realize the damage I sow ?
Why don’t I care , about the havoc I wreak ?
Why won’t I stand up ; Why don’t I speak ?
I stick up for others , why won’t i stick up for me ? .

I need cleansing, from this stain inside me
cant be behaving like this pain defines me
if I let it all out , I’m afraid it will finally
dissipate the illusion , of my functioning highly

But all there is , is me , fighting this bully
All there is , is me , enduring gracefully
I must protect me , from myself, absolutely

I now understand the pull….
the draw of the ocean
as the wind massages
and evokes strong emotion

There’s a comfort drawn from the deep
darkness
It calls upon your soul
a comforting caress

Just a quick step , a hop , a hurdle

The lady of the ocean is very fertile

as she breeds both life and death

for she can take one’s last breath

The blush of the red sunset
the light it casts
the mood of it
as it breaks the horizon
as it descends
past sight and in silence
the black ocean ascends
greeting you with a cool kiss
as another wave licks
the air beneath your face
and you feel your heart race
and you hear the call of the sea

Giving up ain’t always a conscious decision
and when the solution’s
more painful then the situation
-its easy to run
When the truth of yourself is known to no one

When getting up is a chore and filled with dread
Sweating your mouth dry and clutching the bed
Make it all disappear ,
Fake it all ’til your clear
Exorcise all your demons
before dealing with your fellow humans
How many masks must we wear
to get through the day ?
Its why the lonely seek solitude
and run away

You know your low when your comfort zone
has shrunk to points unknown
When every day happenings fall outside its scope
When all that your feeling is some negative trope

When you got old without growing up;
you chased the dream , but had to give up
And you don’t have the tools to make the transition
and you find yourself constantly wishing
you can go back without this depression
you’ve paid enough for this lesson

When you think of me do u cry , do u try
to truly remember what it was like , when it was right ?
do u catch yourself when you recall what was wrong , its been so long and we’re gone and its gone
coz that what i do , when i’m thinking of you
and i dwell and i dwell and i relive my hell.
tripping over memories in my head , that i thought were dead, after all that’s been done and all that’s been said.

caught between wishing for what we had, and embracing where ive been lead and made my bed , well i’ve made my bed.
its been an interesting journey as i sweep up the ashes , and tend to the lashes and deal with my crashes.

well the scars of the heart are symbols of battles fought. the tougher that skin , the more battles u were in, and are about to begin
the lonely wind blows time past , what i thought would last, just could never last. Do you feel that blast ; That cold breath of life gone past ?

I scream whyyy !! when things don’t go my way , and today’s another day , i’ve got that same thing to say. And try as i might, i fight every night , to take that next step , to let in new light. But just when u think u r close , they pull away and leave u there to sway.

So much baggage is gathered , and it matters when it splatters all that is new. The chances are few, as time will chew on you ; And then my past , which is you, continues to screw with all i run into. Its not always them , sometimes its you.

When they talk with me , and they try, and they pry
to truly understand what makes me tick , what makes me pick , the things i say quick.
And though i sigh , i do try to let them inside, but then i hide and i hide and rarely confide.
There is a truth i can share , but i don’t dare. i protect it with such care, its not fair coz they cant compare.