Saying F*ck: The Complete Instructions

Scientists have studied this. Here are the four f***ing rules

There are few words in the English language as fun to say as “fuck.” Try it right now. Just blurt it out. Like you mean it! Feels good, doesn’t it?

Those of us who truly love the word want to say it everywhere, as often as possible, in as many situations as appropriate. The problem, of course, is that it’s difficult to be sure when it's socially acceptable.

Who among us hasn't let an f-bomb slip at a dinner party that was quickly followed with a) excruciating silence and b) everyone staring like you’d just dropped your pants?

It’s a confusing social climate for the modern curser. Consume enough pop culture and you could get the sense that the word is allowed, even encouraged, just about everywhere. It’s part of the vernacular on shows like Veep, which won the Emmy for best comedy this past weekend.

Search Amazon and it shows up in 25,016 song titles, including 1,703 new releases. Our favorite new book: Thug Kitchen: Eat Like You Give a F*ck, a vegan cookbook published by our heretofore socially graceful parent company.

But out in the real world, things are less clear. Is it acceptable in the locker room? The workplace? In a school setting? During a wedding toast? We consulted the experts to find out.

FIRST, SOME FUCKING HISTORY

The Oxford English Dictionary has recognized “fuck” as an acceptable word since 1972, but it’s not any more or less popular than it ever was, says Dr. Timothy Jay, Ph.D., a psychologist, author (Why We Curse), and expert in swearing at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts.

“My data shows that it was as common in the 1980s as it is today,” he says.

That said, usage guidelines are more confusing these days. “You have to factor in things like sexual harassment, hate speech, bullying, discrimination, and workplace aggression legislation,” says Dr. Jay.

Related Video:

You may have the most innocent of intentions, but to the wrong ears, it could be misconstrued as an act of violence or intimidation. Perhaps that’s why Google Docs refuses to spell it for you.

In 2015, we know exactly which big-box stores have open-carry policies, so we can shop with a gun like God intended. But it’s unclear whether walking into a Target and asking the greeter “Where’s the motherfucking pharmacy?” will get you thrown into jail.

And no, that’s not hyperbole. When William Barboza received a speeding ticket in New York and decided to express his displeasure by writing “fuck your shitty town bitches” on the payment form, he was arrested, put in jail, and charged with aggravated harassment.

A judge dismissed the case last week, calling Barboza’s language protected speech under the First Amendment. Which is good news, but still worrying. It means you can be arrested for using, but probably won’t end up in prison. Just like with heroin.

“People use language like this all the time,” Barboza’s lawyer explained to the New York Times. “They send letters like this to customer service at Verizon, the I.R.S.”

All the time? Seriously? People are regularly telling their cellphone providers to go fuck themselves? That seems excessive.

What to do then? Stop saying the word entirely? Never!

THE NEW FUCKING RULES

“In general, sexual uses of ‘fuck’—which are comparatively rarer than figurative ones—are less acceptable,” says Jesse Sheidlower, former North American Editor at the Oxford English Dictionary and author of the best-selling book The F-Word. In other words, try not to use the f-word as a replacement for “sexual intercourse.”

(Interested in sexual intercourse? Then you’ll love How to Pleasure a Woman, a new guide by the editors of Men’s Health, which give you the proven secrets to satisfying her every single time.)

A sentence like “I’m having a fucking great time at this office party” is unlikely to offend even your more puritanical co-workers. But loudly announcing, “I haven't decided who I’m going to fuck at this office party yet,” well, you’ve just made everybody you work with reeeeeeally uncomfortable.

Let that be hard and fast Rule #1: Don’t use “fuck” as a verb. Use it as an adjective, adverb, noun, or interjection, but never, ever as a verb. Especially at the office.

Dr. Jay adds that the word is mostly fine in locker rooms, bars, and the occasional drunken wedding or wake. Which brings us to Rule #2: Deploy it wherever its use “makes a joke funnier or builds social cohesion among buddies,” says Dr. Jay.

What about geographically? Are there certain cities or states where you have some fucking cover? We asked Jack Grieve, Ph.D., a professor of forensic linguistics at Aston University in Birmingham, England, who’s created a swear-word map of the United States.

He collected his data by combing the depths of the least civilized place on Earth. That’s right, Twitter.

“Regional patterns on Twitter are probably a pretty good indicator of regional patterns in everyday speech,” Grieve says. Take a look at his f-word findings:

Image courtesy of Jack Grieve

“The word is used most often around the edges of the country, and less often inland,” explains Grieve. “It’s also common in major urban areas. Also, someone online mentioned oil fields in North Dakota, I think.”

That’s true. A Twitter user pointed out that “the red in the Dakotas matches with the general locations of Indian reserves and oil fields.”

In retrospect, Rule #3 seems pretty fucking obvious: If you want to be safe, stick to cities and oil fields. This is starting to seem pretty easy.

The final rule comes from the good folks at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, who recently issued a historic decision that pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

When a company attempted to register the phrase “NO FUCKS GIVEN,” which would give them exclusive rights to use it on shirts, hats, and hoodies, the Trademark Office denied their request, giving this explanation:

“The fact that profane words may be uttered more freely in contemporary American society than in the past does not render such words any less profane.”

So Rule #4 writes itself: When in doubt, never shout—or, for that matter, scribble in the grime on the back window of your F-150. There could be kids in the car behind you, for chrissakes!

Let that be the final lesson, and the final word. Yes, “fuck” is everywhere. And, yes, it’s still friggin’ offensive.

Advertising helps us deliver great content at no charge to you

To access please enter your email or disable your ad blocker

Are you sure you want to log out?

If you are the only person using this device,
there’s no need to log out. Just exit this page
and you won’t have to sign in again. But if
you’re on a public or shared computer, log out
to keep your account secure.