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Friday, February 13, 2015

Say "cheese" - or not

Tip #1 – Look above the lens of the camera.
“Keep in mind that looking straight into the camera can make all your
imperfections, such as big nose or broad forehead, come out.”

Ekaterina, whose online article entitled, “7 Tips and Tricks for Looking
Great in Photographs,” in the magazine Amerikanki, offers well-intentioned
instruction and at the same time inadvertently reveals that English is her
second language. But it’s endearing,
right? Your big nose will come
out?! Who says that?

With her profile icon thumbnail of Andy Warhol’s “Marilyn,” Ekaterina is my
kind of mentor: She blends cheerful
encouragement with a bludgeoning reality, as in her Tip #5 – Natural Make-Up. Here she cautions us that “when your make-up
is bright…you may end up looking like a clown in the photo.” Thank you so much, Ekaterina! I won’t make that mistake again!

Thus Miss Ekaterina, whom I picture to be a luscious 22-year-old Russian
model with pouty lips and a fur-lined hoodie, cheerfully swings her helpful
how-to hatchet.

Oh I know, she doesn’t mean to make me - not a luscious, pouty-lipped model - feel bad about my appearance! Just the
opposite! She’s here to help.

If only I had stumbled upon Ekaterina sooner! Too bad for me that I came across her pointers
after my visit to the DMV. By that time, I had already broken her
cardinal rule and stared into the lens. When
that civil servant directed me to “Look right here,” I looked right there.

So what did I get? Big nose and broad
forehead! And I don’t even have a broad
forehead!

And evidently, in the nano-second between that clerk’s commandment and the
click of the shutter, I unwittingly but efficiently contradicted each and every
item on Ekaterina’s friendly list of things that one must do if one wants to
look good in a photo.

For example, I didn’t turn my face a little bit to the right – Tip #2. The rankest amateurs know to turn their faces
to the right! A little bit. How hard is that?

You want to turn to the right especially if you’re posing for the photo that
you will show to more people over the next decade than any other photo you
possess.

You don’t want to have to think about that big honker every time you hand
your driver’s license over to an innocent clerk in the grocery store or the
earnest young trainee at the car rental agency when you’re on vacation and
trying to forget your troubles and have a good time. For God’s sake! Just turn your head!

Ekaterina explains it with the best grammar and punctuation she can muster: “Research claims that we tend to show more
emotion on the face’s left side, so when being photographed, turn your head a
little bit to the right to look more appropriate for the occasion. This will leave you looking more natural and
happier.”

What could be more nearly perfect for the occasion of the DMV than a right
turn?

But Miss E fails to stop. “In
addition,” she says, “this trick will help you to set off the coquettish curve
of your eyebrow and the apple of your cheekbone.”

Right.

It’s too late for Mr. Plath too. His
new driver’s license photo just arrived in the mail, confirming that the “straight
look is more aggressive, especially if you don’t smile.”

In fact, being entirely without vanity, Mr. Plath made no advance
preparations whatsoever for his pilgrimage to the DMV. He even forgot that they won’t let you wear
that hat you slap on first thing in the morning to avoid the tedious rigors of
hair brushing.

I mean, I love the guy, but in his latest photo he looks like a feral and
defeated felon taken back into custody after seventeen days on the lam.

He should have turned his body sideways and popped his knee a little bit to
create a slimmer silhouette (Tip #5). But when I
offer these suggestions, I get only that icy criminal stare.

What about that, Ekaterina? And by
the way, where’s YOUR photo, Miss-Marilyn- thumbnail-instead-of-practicing-what-you-preach?

I smell a Russian rat. You can’t
trust everything you find on the internet and I’m beginning to wonder about you!