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Friday, May 20, 2005

Drummer make a boom-boom

Rock! It's Eurovision time. The fact that there is no way for me to watch this in the United States is yet another sign that the terrorists have won.

I listened to/watched every song today. Man, that was a mean and spiteful think to do to myself. Go to the link above and watch the videos with me:

UK -- Javine, the UK's entry is a bucket of suck. This is not surprising. Get ready for some hot "nul points" action. Although, my favorite explanation as to why the UK won't win is "We've invaded too many countries and nobody likes us."

Albania -- Chorus sounds a bit like "iechyd da," which is a Welsh drinking toast.

Andorra -- I watched the first 12 seconds of the video and got so dizzy I had to breathe into a bag.

Austria -- The lyrics indicate the girl in the video is from Cuba. Apparently Cuba is in space. Space, apparently (check the video at about 2:43) is a British commonwealth.

Belarus -- "Look at me. Me feel right."

Belgium -- Did he say, "Dogs on éclair?" The best part comes at the very end of the song, when you can hear a single person clapping.

Bosnia and Herzegovina -- Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Bulgaria -- "I can still remember the rain in the rain." Car, woman on bed, wet fella, nipple, trumpet that is never used in song, blokes on "Casablanca" set, wet fella, different car, dove, group of wet fellas, dodgy hat, lame scarf, bad wiring in apartment, fire, wet fella -- we got ourselves a hit, boys!

Croatia -- Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription is more timpani.

At this point I am beginning to notice that a key element to adding emotion to one's music is flailing your arms about. Throw them up in the air and then slam them down; slamming an imaginary table in the imaginary courtroom of life. "Your honor, I object to this heartbreak!"

Cyprus -- "I'm the king of the king of the Nile, I'm gonna show you tonight who I am." You just said who you are, you doofus -- you're the king of the Nile. Although, I seriously doubt the veracity of your claim.

Denmark -- "You nailed me to the floor."

Estonia -- If Eurovision songs are an indication of a country's musical influences, Estonia has been influenced almost exclusively by Katrina and the Waves.

FYR Macedonia -- "Hand in your hand, tears in my ants." "Yo, cowboy toad, I am the boy who will break up with you."

Germany -- "$25 wasted on you." Apparently she bought him dinner at Chili's. You sing your heart out leather pants lady, pitch is for losers. She looks a bit like this rugby player, but with breasts. It all has a WWE quality to it. I expect Marty Jannetty to show up at any moment.

Greece -- "You are the sun to my rainy season." What's that mean? That I'm not there? That I am hidden by your overbearing nature?

At this point I am beginning to notice that Eastern European countries love them a mess of Middle Eastern/Indian rhythms. Perhaps they have been confused by the whole Eastern-Eastern thing.

Hungary -- Creepy Riverdance.

Iceland -- Not enough videos end with some chick killing a guy. In future, honey, you may want to use a different weapon. You're a crap shot. I like the fact that she feels bad about breaking people's windows; killing a guy, though, good on ya.

Ireland -- Apparently Ireland is in Eastern Europe, or so their song style would indicate. I find it somewhat endearing just how little Ireland tried this year. I'm inclined to believe that actual work had to be put into finding an Irish group suffering such a dearth of musical talent.

Israel -- It is one of the clauses of the Patriot Act that I am not allowed to make fun of Israel. Those breasts are just about enough to convert me to Judaism (N.B. -- Israel is in Europe?).

Latvia -- What if those guys who sang "More Than Words" never left high school? And what if someone made jackets for them out of an old set of drapes? This song just about killed my desire to carry on.

Lithuania -- Nice dress, honey. I think it may still be 1974 in Lithuania.

Malta -- I think that fella in the yellow coat may have some sort of inner ear disorder. He falls down a lot. That big chick never moves below the waist. I think she may be some sort of an animatronic songstress. Look for her to do a few shows a week at Chuck E. Cheese. When you're ready Moon Doggie.

Moldova -- "Me love so much drummer make a boom-boom." If there is any justice in this world, these guys will win. The old lady with the drum puts them over the top.

Monaco -- My wife had a swimsuit that looked like that when she was 14 years old. One fella clapping at the end. Yep. That's about right. Maybe he's the bloke who was clapping for that Belgian kid.

At this point I am beginning to notice that those countries not keen on the Middle Eastern sound have been heavily influenced by Andrew Lloyd Webber. This is wrong.

Norway -- Wait. Did I say Moldova should win? Fuck that. These guys win. How can you not vote for four guys who have given themselves the nicknames of Teeny, Sporty, Glam and Flash? They should win on the strength of Flash alone. Flash is a winner; Norway wins. Here's their website.

Poland -- Didn't anybody tell these guys about the Middle Eastern or Andrew Lloyd Webber sounds? You've got booze, women spinning around in circles and a bit of accordion -- that's about all a fella needs in life. Wait a second -- do I think this is good? In a way, yes. Perhaps it is just residual good feeling left over from Norway. Ooh, the girls are shaking and spinning. I like his little dance: clap hands above head, slap ass, repeat. I'm moving to Poland.

Portugal -- "Happy freeway. Happy shiny day." What the hell is going on there? It's like having cataracts.

At this point I am beginning to notice that there are too many entrants in Eurovision. I feel tired.

Romania -- OK, just stop. Y'all are trying to be weird. Pat Benatar and the guys from Men at Work auditioning for "Stomp" in the desert.

Serbia and Montenegro -- Oh, my friends, what we have here are the makings of the quintessential Eastern European Eurovision entry!! Fuck yeah! In combo Middle Eastern and Andrew Lloyd Webber style, it has all the necessary elements: Aloof and beautiful woman (why is she holding a dog?) begins cross-country yarn unraveling journey amid timpani intro; fellas on rocks; one of these fellas should be wet, though; random horses; she's wandering through the snow; scrawny fella initiates much emotional flailing of hands; fella in tan jacket looks like Neil Patrick Harris of "Doogie Howser MD" fame; "look at those mountains behind me," says Doogie; she's taking her yarn to town; I gotta have more timpani, baby; rocks; nice scarves, fellas; take the yarn to church; "is this a great view or what?" asks Doogie; throw that ball of yarn at them, lady; ooh, and manly shouting; this is a magic ball of yarn.

Slovenia -- Hey, there's a wet fella. He should move to Serbia and Montenegro. This has a real porn film quality to it. If they show his crotch again I'm going to be ill.

Spain -- It's the girls from the Fanta ads. Chris Needs gets a speaking part at the end.

Sweden -- Star Wars kid. This song should have ended 30 seconds sooner.

Turkey -- Again with this stupid Middle Eastern sound -- oh, wait. I always wondered what happened to the actress who played Red Sonja.

Ukraine -- "God be my witness, we ready to love." Go chubby dude! Rock it! You look like you should be in a bar in Boston's financial area. Nice explosions. Never underestimate the value of a big finish.

I really feel for you not being able to see it on TV as you surely know all about Mr.Wogans hilarious (drink-fuelled) comments. ie In response to someone giving UK 'nil point' last year - "Oh dear, send in the Gunboats.."

Even the Aussies get to see it - they run a special show where they have their own party (albeit a very camp one)!

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Who's writing this?

Hola. I'm Chris Cope, author of the books The Way Forward and Cwrw am Ddim. I'm originally from Austin, Texas, but through a series of terrible and wonderful events called "life," I now reside in Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland -- specifically the bit that is Penarth, Wales. Occasionally I write things.