The Oscars are pretty, witty and gay

Well, those sure were some commie, homo-loving sons of Oscars last night. The 81st annual Academy Awards had one big upset, two calls for gay rights, two winners who played gay, multiple musical numbers and tons of gorgeous frocks. The mother of all awards shows mixed things up this year with a non-comic host (Hugh Jackman) and non-traditional acting nominee presentations (by bringing out five past winners to say kind words about the five nominees).

Sure, the show was too long. Sure, the middle was painfully slow and famous-winner free. And, sure, I don’t know why there were Tony Awards levels of musical numbers throughout. There was still plenty to celebrate. So to honor the awards, how about handing out our own awards?

The Voice We Were Totally Surprised to Be Impressed By Award

Anne Hathaway belted it out right on key with Jackman in the show’s opening number.

The Please Let Them Present Every Award Award

Tina Fey and Steve Martin were the night’s most droll presenters.

The Please Let Ben Stiller Impersonate Joaquin Phoenix at Every Awards Show Award

Stiller and Natalie Portman‘s skit was spot-on, as was her description of him as working in a “Hasidic meth lab.”

The Ridiculously Gorgeous People Being Ridiculously Gorgeous Award

Brad and Angelina, duh.

The Lady Sings the Blues Award

Queen Latifah walked the red carpet in navy blue and took the stage in cobalt blue.

The Eternally Indebted to Whoever Ironed All These Pleats Flat Award

Marisa Tomei‘s dress and its origami folds were a wonder to behold.

The No Thanks, I Brought My Own Napkin Award

Either that or Jessica Biel didn’t want to be caught without a handkerchief for the “In Memoriam” segment.

The This Puts the Wonder in Wonderbra Award

Sarah Jessica Parker’s girls have amazing, um, lift. Also, a bonus award to whatever cement is holding them in place.

Heath Ledger‘s family gave a poignant acceptance of his posthumous best supporting actor award.

The I’m Not Crying, I Have Something in My Eye Award

Best original screenplay winner Dustin Lance Black (Milk) told gay and lesbian children everywhere that they are “beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights, federally, across this great nation of ours.”

The Cutest Winners Up Past Their Bedtime Award

The cast of best picture winner Slumdog Millionaire, young and old, was exuberant on stage as they collected the night’s biggest award.

The What I Wouldn’t Give to Be That Oscar Award

Penelope Cruz won best supporting actress trophy for playing a bisexual artist and made us irrationally jealous of an inanimate object in the process.

The Best Use of a Whistle Award

Best actress winner Kate Winslet asking her dad to whistle so she could find him in the audience was inspired.

Yeah, but Can Winslet Do This Award

The subject of the best documentary feature, Man on Wire, Philippe Petit pulled the night’s neatest trick (well, other than Sean Penn‘s upset of Mickey Rourke) by balancing the statuette on his chin.

The Luckiest Man on the Planet Award

First Penn upsets Rourke for best actor by playing gay politician Harvey Milk, and then he gets to be the meat in this Oscar-winning sandwich.

Gay Rights Are Equal Rights Award

White knots for marriage equality were worn on the red carpet by Anne Hathaway’s father and most of the cast of Milk.