“I know, but for fuck’s sake I don’t need fixing. There is no quick fix.”

“Language!” he admonished. “But they don’t like to see you like this.”

“I know. It’s no party for me either. Most of the time I don’t know what I want, yet others seem to think they have the magic words to make me better. There is no ‘making better’. They always have to add their two penneth. Can’t they see that it has the opposite effect? They think I should keep busy, doing, always doing. Don’t they know my mind will always go back to the same place? If I want to do something I will, but if not no amount of nagging will change that. The more I’m pushed the more I’ll shut down. I’ll simply not share how I feel. And when they say ‘we’re thinking of you’, ‘I’m always thinking about you’ why don’t they tell me what they’re thinking? I think about food a lot but it doesn’t make a meal.”

“They’re doing what they think might help you, or make you more approachable. You’ve never been easy to handle, and now you have an extra edge. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault,” I tell him. “Frustrating. I just … ”

“I know. I wish I could just hold you.”

“Me too.” ……. “Waking up some days is more than I want to do, but I slide out of bed and go throgh the motions. I hitch up a smile.”

“You’re doing really well.”

“Sarcasm?”

“Of course.”

“Hahaha…. Inside…”

“I know.”

“Why can’t others see it and allow it?”

“It’s not what we’ve come to be used to. Positive vibes and all that.”