some people actually think i have so much money. I'm being real at this part. I can't afford eating at fancy restaurants, or going out of my area too much, or even go out shopping (i window shop je lebih hehe.. It's a good sport!). It's too costly and i need to be saving money for the house and kid's expenses. Relates to point #1. I am dependent on my husband's income.

i can never ever be a perfect mom and i can never ever know if i'm doing this motherhood thing right.

i can never go back to the way i planned those years ago. Not the same weight, lifestyle, career.

my house will not be squeaky clean for a few more years. Bahahaha!

Additional: loneliness can be overwhelming. For a person like me who loved to go out socialising, being a WAHM was really really difficult. Numerous times i felt like slipping into depression because i hardly ever get to meet with friends. Well, 4 years has passed, and i'm still here! So alhamdulillah! There are times when i feel that loneliness creeping in but instead of making it an enemy, i try to embrace loneliness. I try different projects, and do something new. (currently, it's podcasting. More of that soon, inshaAllah!)

It took me a while to reach this state of accepting everything. I still do get hurt when i get tactless remarks for being a WAHM. But i try to brush it off as quickly as i can.

And about wishing i hadn't had kids so soon - well, it happens when i feel sh*tty that day. Biasa la kan! Sometimes it's PMS, sometimes it's the stress, and sometimes it's just because of being so tired.

Most days, i love them to bits and all those dreams, travel the world or doing more stuff i wanna do (when single), those things don't exist.

It's the day to day achievements that i look forward to =')

To make myself a more productive person, i try and take the 'stress' away bit by bit. One of it was cleaning. Cleaning stresses me out because no matter how many times i clean, the house gets messy in an instant (snaps finger). So we get cleaners to come twice a week. Then my husband's work clothes. I send them to dobi dalam condo kita ni, so that helps a lot (because i really have no time to iron them. They're made of horror, those work clothes!). Husband now likes to buy groceries online, so that saves time and energy for me though some things i still have to get at the supermarket.

So maybe you moms can try to kurangkan la your workload by delegating them to other people. Kids kita still jaga la, but at least we don't waste so much on doing other things.

I am not comparing being a WAHM or SAHM to working moms. Let's just get over that comparing, siapa lagi penat, siapa lagi kesian blablabla. I'm just blogging this from my experience, since i am a WAHM.

I admire working moms! I had wish that i can go back to working, but maybe not yet. Which is why i made Marzea! (my pencen income)

Thanks maria for this honest post of yours! I think every mother can relate to this especially i am a SAHM myself!

Sooo good to know that i am not alone on this. Sometimes rasa loser pun ada cos u start to compare your life with your friends Who r working n have time/money to spend on shopping new clothes, make up, eat at fancy places, etc. kita beli baju dalam baru pun tak lepas �� Hahaha. Anyway keep posting bout your parenting journey cos not everyone can be as honest as this. Totally enjoy reading this ans yessss youre definitely NOT alone! Insya Allah everything has its pros n cons, like u said being a WAHM or SAHM give us advantsge to bring up our kids n usually Allah bg rezeki in terms of anak sihat, bijak etc2.. which is to me is morrreee worth it than having lots of money!

Anyway will pray that all of us mothers who r struggling will go through this phase with ease.. amin! *HUGS*

Maria, I suggest you upload more about real situation of a SAHM/Wahm coz sometimes I see this pattern of people being so amazed at IG celeb. We all supposed to know that social media hardly reveal real life situation (most people being selective on what to post. of couse la kan) but i dont know, still ada org yg praise sgt apa yg dia nmpak di social media, yg sometimes either give a bias perspective, or bg dia stress sebab nak jadi mcm those ig celeb yg dia follow....

Im just glad that you said this. because those are exactly how I feel. As a mom. hahaha

Still can't accept the fact that I am a mom now ( my kid is now 2 years 4m and another boy coming this January, yikes) but it is what it is, no?

I recently went back to work after a year and half of unemployment, and the first paycheck felt so good, that I am beyond disbelief that I earn. hahaha. after only a few months of working, husband is blessed with another position that offers him a permanent job but the trick here is it is in a different state( 1 and half hour away).

So, now I am pregnant, handling a toddler who is going through that fantastic two phase, and a career mom- all alone without the help of my husband who only came back during weekends(financial considerations) and no family nearby to help.I have noooo idea how to survive this and I have fainted once due to lethargy when my eldest son got sick due to tonsillitis and I have to nurse him until husband gets home two days after. Considering the circumstances, husband asks me to quit my job after delivery next year and shift to the other state and focus on our lives there since it looks like he is focusing on his career over there.

Now, I used to be a SAHM and not able to earn on my own is a little depressing. prolly because I am used to the idea of being a career lady before. Now with the same prospect resurface again, I have to admit, i am a little sad. but excited because I can focus on the kids, not having to contemplate between my kid or my job. but the biggest anchor that is pulling me down now is not being able to earn. Because, when I earn, i get to save up, do things, buy things for my kids. when I dont, i rely so much on husband and I kind of dont want to burden him that much. (nonsense i know)

so reading this, made me feel a little open up to the idea of SAHM (again) but still, I am so so so worried that I 'll get back to that negativity wagon where I am unable to be happy or positive.

i dont even know what im expecting from this email, i guess i just need to share these thoughts with a mom who'd understand. hahaha.

anyways, good read! I hope i didnt take too much of your time while handling two kids!

tearful joy.sis mars, my mum dulu was a working mum, and she had her dreams juga, quite a travel freak i must say in her 20s. but everything had to slow down when she married and got us. now, each one of us are grown ups, and she can now enjoy and continue her used-to-be bujang dreams,

so my point is, what you also had stated point, enjoy the day as it is, seize the day and have faith in Allah.

to the mum that raised nadrah and isaac, may you continuously become steadfast on the road to Jannah

Mars, this is why I love your blog. Your honesty in these things makes me read your blog. It's hard to admit that you regret having kids too early, that it's tiring and you wishing you've more time for yourselves. For those who don't get it, they'll always judge you. It's okay if you have these thoughts sometimes (we are humans after all) we get stressed, exhausted so it happens. Don't feel guilty about it. You're a great mom, that's why you felt all this or else you won't even care.

Okay back to the socializing thing, well I don't have a kid yet but this is from my mom's experience. She stopped working after my second brother and she stayed at home since (for approx 25 years), she stopped meeting her friends and solely focused on us until the last one of my sibs was in uni. The other day, we were having a conversation and she said that if there is one thing she wanted to change about her past, it would be this. She said she wanted to go and meet her friends, at least do something for herself(joining classes or anything) and not just staying at home waiting for us. She said she could do so much instead doing nothing. Currently, she just finished her masters and will be travelling with her friends to Japan soon. She also has her day off (she goes for some pampering session) by herself.

Try to have a day off for yourself- just go out catching up with some friends, a manicure/pedicure, a facial, or a simple dinner with your girls a day every month, maybe?. At least you won't feel that lonely I guess.

the author

in case you're wondering, no, there's nothing peliks about this blog. maybe a bit about the blogger, but that's for you to decide. and no, you don't have to tell me what you've decided. unless, you've decided to stay on and read on and on and on. then, well, thanks! oh, the name's Maria. Malaysian, young (at heart) and awesome by nature. bahahaa!