Kitty: No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]

[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]

Midge: Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.

Donna: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?

Midge: Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?

Donna: They're awesome!

Midge: Good! Cause your father's an ass!

[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]

Red: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Professor Stark: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Kitty: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Eric: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?

Hyde: Or even better, I could take a picture.

Leo: Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.

[Red is asked to make a birthday wish on his night out with Kitty. Bob and Midge are also present, with their own dates]

Red: Riiight. Now I’m gonna eat this steak, but first, I’m gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!

Jackie: Say it.

Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie: Again.

Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie: Again.

Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.

Fez: Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...

Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.

Kitty: Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]

Kitty: [astonished] Really.

[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]

Eric: Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I’ve waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!

Donna: Eric, get down off there right now!

Eric: What’s the problem Donna?

Timmy: Yeah, what’s the problem Donna?

Donna: Timmy, go get your pants on or I’ll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?

Eric: Oh yeah baby.

Donna: [grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party’s over.

Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.

Fez: Take a message.

[Midge and Bob recites their vows]

Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]

Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.

Midge: So we know all the good stuff...

Bob: ...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]

Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.

Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.

Midge: No matter what happens...

Bob: Good or bad...

Midge: I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]

Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!

Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.

[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]

Donna: Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?

Midge: Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.

Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!

Kitty: Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!

Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!

Laurie: No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.

Kitty: Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!

Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?

Laurie: I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.

Red:[After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]

Bud: Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?

Hyde: I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]

[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]

Donna: You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]

Eric: What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?

Donna: Why do you have these down here?

Eric: Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.

Donna: Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]

Eric: No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.

[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]

Kelso: You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]

Donna: Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.

Eric: Wait, but I thought we-

Donna: GET BENT!

Eric: Ok, I’ll do that.

[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]

Jackie: [Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.

Kelso: What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?

Jackie: Let's go, Fez [they leave]

Donna: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.

Kelso: What's the bright side?

Donna: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]

Eric: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.

Earl: [enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.

Mediator: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.

Earl: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....

Red: Car?

Earl: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?

Mediator: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.

Red: None taken.

Eric: That's kind of his thing.

Mediator: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.

Red: Yes, sir!

Eric: Way to go, Dad!

Earl: Damn... dog.

Mediator: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.

Red: Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]

Eric: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.

Eric:[staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]

Red: Son of a bitch!

Kelso: [Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

[Eric is laying on the couch, hungover]

Eric: My head hurts.

Red: That's your own brain comprehending it's own stupidity.

Kitty:[On Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?

Red: No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]

Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.

Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.

Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?

Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!

Red: There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.

Eric: We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?

Red: Yes, we do.

Eric: It's just... hurts.

Red: Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.

Eric: Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.

Kelso: Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

Max: Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?

Daniel: [cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.

Max: Oh God.

Daniel: [walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]

Fez: Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.

Unknown Girl No 1: So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?

Unknown Girl No 2: I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?

Unknown Girl No 3: It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.

Unknown Girl No 4: I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.

Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!

Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!

Jill: Why are you friends with him?

Hyde: I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]

Eric: Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?

Hyde: I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

[Jackie sees Big Rhonda in the Forman basement]

Jackie: Rhonda? How did you get in?

Big Rhonda: I used my key.

Jackie: Michael, why don't I got a key?

Kelso: Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

[Jackie and Donna are not too pleased about Penny attracting much of the boys' attention]

Jackie: Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.

Donna: I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.

Jackie: Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?

Donna: Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

[Eric has scheduled a date with Penny at the basement]

Eric: Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.

Penny: Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]

Kitty: Penny, there's no rat...

Penny: [jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!

Eric: No, I was...

Red: Eric, step away from your cousin.

Eric: No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

Penny: I'm not adopted.

Eric: Wh-What? What? She's lying!

Kitty: Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?

Eric: I'm... sleepwalking?

Red: And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.

Penny: Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?

Eric: A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.

Penny: Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?

Eric: Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

Red: No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

Eric: No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.

Kitty: Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

Young Hyde: Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.

Young Eric: Okay, Steven.

Young Hyde: And it's Hyde.

Young Eric: Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?

Young Hyde: That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.

[Eric hands it to him, then Kitty and Red come out from the house.]

Kitty: Well, now, who do we have here?

Young Eric: This is Hyde.

Kitty: Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!

Young Hyde: I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.

Red: Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!

Kitty: Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]

Red: I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]

Young Hyde: If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]

[Returns to the present]

Hyde: Now I have to kill you.

[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]

Kelso: Oops, sorry!

Donna: [covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!

Red: [enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.

[Kelso is going through Red's tools to find a saw to cut down a street sign the gang wants to give to Hyde for his birthday]

Kelso:[As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.

Red:[After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!

Kelso: Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]

Red:[Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!

Kelso: Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

Kelso: Guess what. I read your little "everything's my fault" article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?

Jackie: Behind the gym?

Kelso: And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway… Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you Tater Tots. And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. And you're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.

Jackie: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Kelso: Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

Jackie: Michael, what are you saying?

Kelso: I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad! And… And… I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

Eric: Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.

Kitty: [in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

Bob: The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.

Eric: There is?

Red: No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

[Red and Kitty talk to Eric after he turns down Donna's bid for a second chance.]

Red: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric: I said No.

Red: You said No!

Kitty: ... Dumbass!

Eric: Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty: [agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?

Eric: Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red: So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]

Eric: It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde kissing.]

Donna: What the hell!

Jackie: Oh, my God.

Eric: I'm blind!

Jackie: Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]

Hyde: [to Donna] Great outfit.

Jackie: So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?

Eric: You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!

Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

What Is and What Should Never Be (1) (a.k.a. Kitty's Pregnant) [5.3][edit]

[Eric confronts Red in the garage over being shallow about Kitty's revelation of being pregnant]

Eric: Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?

Red: [turns to Eric] You made me bald.

Eric: What?

Red: Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]

Eric: You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!

[Having seen Hyde kiss Jackie at the garage, Eric and Donna try to make Kelso not see it]

Kelso: No, but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]

Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!

Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?

Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.

Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]

Donna: What the hell did that mean?

Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Ben-gay.

Jackie: You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!

Jackie: See, I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.

Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.

Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.

Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.

Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.

Kelso: Yeah.

Fez: No party, no pooper.

Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.

Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.

Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.

Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]

[Hyde, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie go into a Circle and talk about Leo, who left Hyde]

Hyde: [laughs] Can’t close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin’ to freak me out. Leo’s the best.

Kelso: Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin’ son of a bitch!

Jackie: You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn’t Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I’ll never forget that.

Fez: I’m just sad I’ll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I’d like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I’ll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde: So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

Roy: I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we’re lookin’ for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They’ll just leave me like everybody else.

Jackie: So Roy, seem a little depressed there.

Roy: Yeah, I’m teeterin’ on the brink.

Hyde: Maybe I can do somethin’ to cheer you up.

Roy: Really? Oh, that’d be great.

[Later at the Circle]

Roy: So I’m on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone’s tellin’ me to jump. I was just out for a jog.

Hyde: Okay Roy, here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I’m gonna take that job as cook and keep you company, on two conditions - I’m not gonna work very hard, and you’re gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it’ll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.

Roy: Great! And if it’s work-related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.

[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]

Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]

Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.

Fez: You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.

Kelso: Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]

Nina: Fez, we need to talk.

Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!

Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.

Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don’t want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there’d be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.

Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!

Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]

Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?

Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—

Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!

Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.

Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.

Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]

Eric: You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married-in-a-week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain’t happening Missy. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!

Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!

[Jackie explains to Hyde her moment with Kelso in the previous episode]

Jackie: ...and that’s when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!

Hyde: Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-

Jackie: And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]

Hyde: And I’m really sorry okay. I promise it’ll never happen again.

Jackie: [voice breaking up] That’s exactly what Michael used to say!

Hyde: C’mon Jackie-

Jackie: No, you know what Steven, I’m sorry. It’s over. [gets out of the car and walks away]

Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!

Police: Get off the water tower!

Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!

[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]

Donna: Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!

Eric: Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!

Kitty: [Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!

Red: Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.

Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]

[Red joins Hyde in the basement. Hyde is watching a football game and drinking soda]

Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?

Hyde: What? Me, beer?

Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.

Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]

Donna: Okay, we're back, and uh, if my boyfriend's listening, you're late and I'm a little worried you're trapped in a snowdrift or something. So, honey, if you're cold, I'm with you, baby. Okay, so let's take some requests, hello, you're on the air.

Girl at Dance: Hi, I'd like to dedicate He's the Greatest Dancer by Sister Sledge to Eric Forman, the coolest guy at the Christmas dance.

Donna: What? He's still at the dance?

Girl at Dance: Sorry, I have to go. He's telling us about his boat.

Donna: That sneaky bastard. Uh, that sneaky bastard Santa Claus is on his way with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes, and remember, you're listening to WFPP with me, Hot Donna. [sizzling sound] You hear that, Eric Forman? That's not bacon, that's your ass when I get a hold of you.

Jackie: Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.

Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.

Kelso: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner — oh, and some kids that took Latin.

Hyde: This is fun.

Brooke: So how do you all know each other?

Jackie: Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.

Hyde: Then I stole her from him.

Brooke: Wait — what?

Kelso: Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.

Brooke: Okay. Wait a minute.

Kelso: It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.

Hyde: He brought up the sisters. Awesome.

Brooke: Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.

Kelso: No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.

Jackie: That's not helping.

Kelso: Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.

Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [gets up and leaves.]

Kelso: Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.

Eric: [after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.

Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.

[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]

Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!

Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!

Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.

[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]

Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.

Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.

Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.

Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.

Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."

Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.

Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.

[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]

Pastor Dan: Okay, what did you want to tell me?

Eric: Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.

Donna: Eric!

Eric: Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!

Pastor Dan: Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.

Donna: Wow. I never thought about it that way.

Pastor Dan: Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.

Eric: Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.

Pastor Dan: Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]

Kitty: Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.

Red: [stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]

Pam Burkhart: Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.

Red: [taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.

[Donna just told Kitty about her and Jackie discovering Bob and Pam in a hot tub]

Kitty: Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?

Red: [overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?

Kitty: There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!

Red: Yes I did.

Kitty: No you didn't.

Red: Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]

Hyde and Fez: One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]

Kelso: Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!

Donna: He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?

Hyde: It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.

Kelso: Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?

[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]

Fez: You look dorky.

Donna: Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.

Fez: Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.

Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.

Jackie: [enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.

Hyde: And you brought me flowers?

Jackie: No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?

Kitty: Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.

Hyde: I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]

[Midge returns]

Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.

Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.

Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.

Eric: Life is like a train. It's barring down on you and guess what? it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come.

Red: Steven When You Moving Out

Hyde: Soon

Red: How's Your Girlfriend

Hyde: Shallow As Hell

Red: Job

Hyde: Dean End

Red: Future

Hyde: Bleak

Jackie: Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.

Fez: Is it Donna's engagement ring?

Jackie: No. No it's too big for that.

Hyde: Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Eric : Okay! I'm here to earn my dinner! What am I gonna do about Donna?... We're hanging out! What am I gonna do about my job?... I quit! What am I gonna do about my future?... Nothing! When am I moving out?... Make me!

Eric: I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.

Donna: Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.

Eric: Okay, I'm not following.

Donna: I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.

Eric: You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.

Donna: (gasps) One of Red's beers?

Eric: There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.

Red: Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.

Eric: Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.

Hyde: I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.

Kitty: Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.

Red: But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.

Kitty: [browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?

Red: Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.

Eric: [enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?

Kitty: Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.

Eric: Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?

Red: I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.

Eric: But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...

Kitty: Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]

Eric: Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It’s fun! So guess what — Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.

Jackie: Look, Steven, I know it’s a crazy thing to do, its just ... I kno-I wanted to know what it was like to be planning a life and a wedding and everything, I mean, that’s all I’ve ever wanted ... And I was starting to think it was never gonna happen with you.

Hyde: [puts hands by face] Are we back on this again [faces her] Why can’t you just be happy with what we’ve got?

Jackie: BECAUSE I’M NOT!, [voice breaking] Steven ... okay, look, I need to know that we have a future together ... Can’t you just give me some kind of sign or just a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe someday we’ll get married?

Sizzling Sarah: Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!

Eric: Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!

[After Donna's boss fires her]

Eric: I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio

Kitty: What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They’re gonna kill him, he can't do anything!

Red: I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]

Donna: [walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.

Kitty: Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn’t have to worry [Donna’s eyes open wide]

Kelso: [after analyzing car] Okay, I think it’s obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son’s been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]

Red: Isn’t it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn’t change it himself and went off to find some help.

Kelso: And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]

Eric: I can’t believe I’m stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don’t do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they’re all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don’t care as long as it’s warm [drinks]

Leo: Don’t worry, man, I’ve got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?

Waitress: [smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]

Leo: In that case [laughs] you’d better soak your uniform in club soda.

Eric: You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I’m here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!

[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]

Eric: Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!

Donna: Eric that’s perfect!

Kitty: That’s wonderful!

Red: See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You’re welcome.

Kitty: So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]

Eric: [smiling] No, I’m not going to Milwaukee.

Donna: So, where then?

Eric: Africa!

Kitty: Africa, Wisconsin?

[Hyde's father summons Hyde and Jackie to his office and explain something]

William Barnett: Steven, I’m moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you’re the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]

Hyde: Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.

Jackie: OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!

Hyde: No, I own a record store.

Barnett: Actually, I own a record store.

Jackie: I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]

Barnett: Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don’t think I’m gonna be there much but I’m gonna be there all day everyday and I’m bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I’m out making white people uncomfortable.

Donna: You Wanna Know What The Best Part Is, I Don't Even Have A Date I Made The Whole Thing Up Just To Mess With Eric's Head

Jackie: I Wish I Had Manipulated Steven Instead Of Opening Up My Heart, Now I'm The Vulnerable One Waiting For His Answer f Is :Donna: Yea I Was A Little Surprised I Mean The Bitchy Stuff Is Your Bread And Butter

Jackie: You Know I Had Fake Pregnancy Right Up My Sleeve And I Didn't Even Use It

Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! [Eric sees the wall moving behind them] I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!

Red: [to Fez, who sees them as if through a fish eye lens]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?

[He tries to judge the distance, grabbing the air in front of him]

Kitty: What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.

[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]

Red: Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!

Kitty: Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.

Red: Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!

Jackie: [rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.

Donna: Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]

Jackie: Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!

Kelso: I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!

Kelso: Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

Jackie: Oh, Michael, no!

Kelso: No?

Jackie: No!

Kelso: Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit — come on! What the hell was THAT?!?

Jackie: Oh my God Fez, listen to what Donna wrote, it's from a few weeks ago: "Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record-store. And he's really cute." Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?!

Fez: Jackie you shouldn't be reading that! [takes the diary and puts it in a drawer] It's a complete invasion of privacy. [fidgets with her mirror] Oh if I get just the right angle on this mirror...I can see Donna when she sleeps...

[Kitty is enraged that her friend Marcia is dating Fez]

Kitty: [making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?

Donna: [drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.

Kitty: After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.

Jackie: [drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.

Kitty: Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]

Donna: You guys, the radio station asked me to host an on-air fundraiser for the Children's Library. A year ago I was doing the Farm Report and now it's gonna be Hot Donna all day long. That right. I'm gonna be referring to myself in the third person from now on.

Randy: Wait. You're not doing the Farm Report anymore? [makes hillbilly accent] Well how am I supposed to know if my corns-a-gonna grow?

Donna: And I told my boss, that I'm not getting off the air until I've raised 500 bucks. Which'll be easy, cause my fans do anything I say. Like, there was this one time, when I told everybody to get up and dance when I played Tear The Roof Off The Sucker. There was almost a riot at the prison!

Jackie: [sarcastic] Yeah. Thanks a lot Donna. My Dad had to hide under his bunk.

[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]

Hyde: Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!

Sam: To drown out your snoring!

Hyde: I was snoring to drown out your talking!

Kitty: [gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]

Red: Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...

Kitty: Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!

Red: It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.

Hyde: Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...

Kitty: Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.

Hyde:You know man, you can sell those pills.

Red: No I can't.

Hyde: Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.

Red: Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?

[Red and Hyde visit the Viking Lodge, an old man's hangout]

Hyde: Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!

[Fez is nursing a face wound Caroline gave to him after she sees Jackie kiss him]

Fez: Jackie, what was that kiss all about?

Jackie: Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering..you know, hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.

Fez: You want to be with me?!

Jackie: Yeah. I mean Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.

Fez: Well. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?

Jackie: No Fez. You're wrong, it's not...

Fez: You know what Jackie, forget it. You went to be with Kelso AND Hyde. I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds. [Jackie goes to her room]

Kitty: Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.

Red: [holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.

Kitty: Really?

Red: [softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.

Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.

Red: I was talking to the tickets.

[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]

Eric: Happy New Year.

Donna: Eric!

Eric: Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?

Donna: I start college next week.

Eric: Oh, that's awesome. [long pause]

Donna: So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?

Eric: Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long —

Donna: [teary] Eric, things are a lot different now.

Eric: Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [Kisses Donna]