Suspicion Destroys A Show Of Affection

April 2, 1995

Hugging my younger son is more awkward than it used to be.

Even though he's 17, it's not because either of us is self-conscious about it. It's only that Matt is bigger than I am now. Most of my hugging experience has been with people who are smaller. But as far as I'm concerned, the importance of hugs and kisses supersedes such trivial concerns as size, age or gender.

Among the things for which I'm most thankful is that my kids have never hesitated to give their mother or me a kiss or a hug at any age, time or place. As long as two people hug or kiss, there exists a line of communication, affection and respect that help to overcome most problems.

Although other teens _ and even some adults _ make an occasional kidding remark or give us a strange look when we embrace, my sons have come to realize that a real "macho" man is one confident enough to hug or kiss another man without self-consciousness. In many cases, I believe the discomfort of others is the result of envy.

Some want to curb the hug

Unfortunately, this practice becomes more delicate when one is dealing with other people's children. With the increased awareness of child molestation in the past several years, many have come to suspect anyone who shows affection to children.

It only follows that many people have become more standoffish when dealing with kids. The sad result is that many children who are deprived of affection at home also are deprived elsewhere.

Teachers, for example, are often cautioned to keep their distance, lest a hug or even a pat on the back be misconstrued as some sort of sexual advance. Fortunately, there are still some brave souls willing to take their chances because they feel that everyone deserves a hug now and then.

Such a person is Donna Jones, a former cafeteria manager at Schafer Park Elementary School in Hayward, Calif. Jones quit her job at that school last week after being ordered by the school's principal to stop hugging children.

Who's going to tell the kids?

The principal's order came as a result of a complaint by two parents.

"Taking their concerns into consideration, as well as the job responsibilities of the noontime supervisor, I instructed people not to hug the children," Hough said.

So Jones resigned. "I told him, you have allowed these kids to hug me for the last three years and they trust me," Jones said. "It's not that I want to touch all 453 kids at the school. But the ones that run up to me, that I already know, deserve a hug."

Is that the kind of world we want, one in which everyone is considered a potential deviate no matter how innocent their motives? How do you not hug a child who runs up to you with his or her arms extended? How do you explain it to that child. "I'd love to hug you honey, but people might think we were doing something dirty."