Court-marshalled for Guff Diving

Pilot Corporal Lance Longshaft of the 1st Battalion North Norfolk Regiment was convicted and striped of his duties yesterday when found guilty of a dangerous flying offence. It's believed Longshaft was half way through flying his Chinook Helicopter in routine training exercise when he suddenly dived 3,000 feet towards the ground.

Unbelievably in this unplanned descent the aircraft managed to collide with a flock of Canadian grey feathered geese. This caused severe rotary damage to the brand new Chinook- costing the RAF thousands of pounds in repair costs.

Longshaft admitted in court yesterday that flying safely was the last thing on his mind on the morning of May 12th; instead he was more concerned about landing and being relieved of the helicopters cockpit.

The Methanophobic Pilot admitted the offence filed against him but said the reason for his abrupt dive was all down to his co-pilot Sergeant Dean Horace passing wind.

The fart dodger claimed the guff was so severe that it compromised his breathing, causing him to panic and act irrationally.

He told members of the jury; "The smell in that enclosed space was like a rotting corpse that had be sprayed in dog shit, the only thing on my mind was escaping".

When Sergeant Horace was called to the stand he admitted that he let one go just minutes before Longshaft took a dive for the ground but claimed it was just "a run of the mill Fart- nothing out of the ordinary".

Sergeant Horace continued to deny the strength and potency of his rear end stink-bomb and as a consequence was acquitted of any wrong doing by the jury.

Local reporters caught up with the judge in charge of the case and were surprised to hear he was not 100% confident the verdict was correct. It turns out he had just been outside for a fag and overheard Horace bragging to family members in the car park, "Ha-ha the poor bugger will hate me forever, it was silent but pungent one; a puff of warm air that had enough sting to paralyse a man and kill a guinea-fowl".

Even with this uncertainty surrounding the case it's believed there is insufficient evidence for an appeal.

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