101 Ways You're Doing Houston Wrong

Think you’ve been living a blissful life in Houston? Probably more like blissfully unaware, because if you’ve made any of these grave errors, you’re not doing this beautiful city -- or yourself -- any justice. Don’t worry, we’re not here to judge, just to help AutoCorrect some of those mistakes so you’re not doing Houston totally wrong.

1. You put sour cream on your breakfast taco2. Your umbrella is not in your trunk right now3. You don't make biweekly pilgrimages to Chinatown4. You're not friends with someone with access to a pool5. You live in Katy (sorry, y’all)

19. You’re eating fried chicken without donuts (or donuts without fried chicken)20. You’re not bringing a packed cooler to the Art Car Parade21. You haven’t barhopped downtown (it’s cool now!)22. ... or been to a Moonlight Dolls show at Prohibition Supperclub & Bar23. You forgot it was Critical Mass, and now you’re stuck behind 1,000 cyclists24. You parked on the street overnight 25. “Turn Around, Don’t Drown” is not your go-to motto26. You haven’t been to at least three different breweries – scratch that, make it five27. You don’t know ‘bout Blanket Bingo at the Square 28. You’ve never visited Johnson Space Center29. ... or seen a show in the Theater District30. You're not sucking the heads

31. You still think barbecue is about the sauce32. You buy pre-packaged tortillas instead of freshly made33. You’ve never finished a Saint Arnold Pub Crawl34. You still wear your Schaub jersey35. You get your lattes at that Seattle import instead of any of these places36. You’ve ordered above medium-rare37. You’re not going to Dynamo games38. ... or to Dash games 39. You’re saving all of your money for rent instead of for dinner at The Pass40. You don’t have a favorite tequila41. ... nor do you have 9/80s42. You own more jackets than bathing suits43. And more boots than flip flops

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44. You biked to work today without checking the forecast45. You didn’t buy FPSF tickets pre-sale46. You’re too addicted to Whataburger to try any local spots 47. You haven’t shopped at Canino Produce48. You thought installing a hot tub was necessary 49. You’re not road trippin’ to explore the rest of Texas50. You didn’t triple check the street sign before parking51. You haven’t B-cycled and barhopped52. ... or walked the renovated pathways on the Buffalo Bayou53. You don’t have your hurricane preparedness kit ready to go54. You’re not friends with at least one bartender

55. There is no egg on your enchiladas56. You go to the Kolache Factory instead of The Original Kolache Shoppe57. You’re not getting all of your cakes from El Bolillo Bakery58. “What’s turtle racing?” is something you’ve said 59. Urban Harvest Farmers Markets aren’t a part of your weekly repertoire60. You don’t know about the tunnels61. You don’t realize that Galveston is a gem62. You believe the weather guy, ever63. You trust that your bike “will be fine”64. You took Westheimer65. You don’t "volunteer" at The Hideout for rodeo

66. You’re not trying alllll the new restaurants and bars67. You don’t know what Sunday Streets is68. You’re not going dry-aged, bone-in 69. You’ve never had meat sweats70. You don’t know where Alamo Tamale & Taco is, because you’ve never been71. You’re not taking advantage of these FREE museums72. You have no friends that live in River Oaks73. You’re still going to Gaslamp74. You don’t have a sick lineup of podcasts for your sure-to-be-terrible commute75. You’re not frequenting Second Saturdays at The Silos

76. You haven’t hiked Sam Houston National Forest77. ... or Galveston Island State Park78. You’ve shown up to a cook-off without an ‘in’ for a tent79. You didn’t splurge for paid parking at The Galleria80. You forgot cash for the valet81. You’re saving po-boys for New Orleans82. You don’t know how to make a damn left-hand turn at a divide (wait, that’s all of us)83. Chile gravy is not a regular part of your vocabulary84. You went to that pop-up thinking there’d still be kolaches at noon85. You don’t happy hour here86. And you’ve never even oyster happy houred

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87. You don’t have an opinion about what to do with the Astrodome88. The Texans still get your hopes up89. ... as do the ‘stros90. You’re not subscribed to r/houston (how else would you know the best place to poop downtown?)91. You’re making any of these terrible restaurant decisions92. You’ve never had a Monday hangover because you’re not Sundaying hard enough93. You don’t have a go-to spot for pho94. ... nor a go-to spot for ramen95. You think Southern hospitality applies to the highways96. You actually drive the speed limit

97. You still believe “good hair days” are possible98. You left your laptop in your front seat99. You don’t turn down for Watt100. You started a tab in Midtown (do you not like keeping your credit card?)101. You’re not treating it like home

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Brooke Viggiano is a Houston writer who is a big hypocrite because she sometimes puts sour cream on her breakfast tacos even though she’s not supposed to. See what other rules she breaks @BrookeViggiano.