Sunday, January 20, 2013

Why I love bitches....

You are going to see a lot of Gong Li in this space. She is ravishing, isn't she?And a complete heart breaker. We've had visitors all day to take a look at our newest family member. I am besotted!

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This is my new column in Mumbai Mirror. Meenal Baghel, the spirited editor, has added a clever tag line : "How to be a chick, and other life lessons."' I have received an overwhelming response to the column - good and bad. Something tells me THIS is the most fun column I'll be writing...Blogdosts - feedback needed!

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Why I love bitches…

Soon… really,really soon….there will be a
new bitch in my life. I can’t wait. I am very partial towards bitches. This one
happens to be smashing looking to boot.
And quite a coquette. Perfect. As you may well have guessed, she is a four
legged female dog. A stunner, who has broken several hearts already. She
certainly broke mine the moment I laid eyes on her in Pune. My sister Mandakini
and I jointly christened her Gong Li.This was a sneaky trick designed to melt
my husband’s heart and take care of any resistance from his side. He is an
ardent fan of Gong Li - the beauteous
Chinese star of movies like ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and ‘Farewell ,my Concubine.’

Her predecessor Kiara, was another
ravishing female canine, all sleek lines and smooth moves. After her, I was
determined to stay away from heartbreak. But one look at Gong Li, and I was
smitten. I love bitches. It works in exactly the same way with humans who share
traits that we nastily and rather inaccurately refer to as ‘bitchy’. It’s a seriously awful word. Most times it is
used recklessly to describe any woman who has dollops of attitude and isn’t
afraid to flaunt it. If she also happens to be a man magnet,it makes it that
much easier to brand her. Even if she hasn’t done anything specific to
tantalise admirers. I remember a distant time in Bombay ( it was still Bombay
then), when ferocious socialite wars had broken out. The scale and intensity of
the brawls would have made Sean Penn playing Mickey Cohen in ‘Gangster Squads’
look like a docile, well trained spaniel. The word ‘Bitch!” was spat out
several times in public. Sides had to
be taken. Like George Bush Jr. the message was unambiguous and strong: either
you were with one of the socialites, or against her. The question of remaining
neutral did not arise.

Years later, history repeated itself. The
cast of characters had changed. But not the negativity and viciousness. The
scene had shifted from South Mumbai skirmishes featuring high priestesses of
all that is stylish and extravagant, to upstartish Bollywood Divas settling
scores and ostracizing predators. But that word ‘bitch’ stayed a constant. It’s
another matter altogether that the younger generation throws ‘bitch’ around
with total nonchalance. To call a hirsute , louche chap a ‘bitch’ is taken as a
compliment. Most young girls prefer to be addressed as ‘dogs’. A poster states, “Men are the new bitches.”
Everybody is pretty cool about it. Even the bitches themselves, who shrug,
laugh and happily admit there is nothing quite as fun as a good bitch- out with
gal pals and a couple of gay buddies. A worthy gentleman I know quite well,proudly
describes himself as ‘the biggest bitch in town.’No contest, there! I have also
been present when serious corporate types ( men) have savaged contemporaries with devilish
glee and indulged in what can only be described as heavy duty bitching. Delicious
!Maybe inside each one of us lurks a closet female dog. Some are reckless
enough to let the beastie out occasionally. Modern day sociologists insist
occasional bitching is good for blood pressure. It’s a valid stress buster that
makes one feel lighter. What’s the point of stored up bile, a doctor asked me
one day. Quite so. That was all the endorsement one needed. I instantly passed
on the good news to my friends. And we felt vastly relieved. Bitching became
something the doctor ordered - cathartic…. even therapeutic. And we felt
terribly sorry for all those people who harboured homicidal thoughts about half
the world , but not a single undiplomatic word ever emerged from their mouths.
Bores! Today, bitching is seen as an art form. It is fairly acceptable
democratic and kosher to indulge in it from time to time . To bitch or not to
bitch is no longer the question. Not to be bitched about is a far worse social
crime. Bitch and be damned being the new mantra, I guess it’s flattering to be
identified as a ‘Bitch Goddess’ by the
wannabe amateurs in our midst.

HAHAHAHA sometimes we end up being bitchy without any intention. But it depends on who the bitch is & in what circumstance. It's like after being a calm, dignified, & hot girlfriend of the man you first experienced the definition of love and all of sudden one fine day he hugs you & whispers in your ear: "After our first puppy love break up; you made me think WHAT A BITCH & I LOVED IT." Ting*** Surprise! Surprise!!!! I think in this case it's the spontinous beauty & the bitch emotion that kicked in! Otherwise who would want a superficial Bitch, Boobs, Botox, or a Beast that's all over the market these days. Your bitch sure is lovely & I'm sure she will be amused to get this surprise ༼tittle༽. :D

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