‘Big cat’ DNA tests point instead to ‘feral’ Bill Oddie

DNA tests on deer carcasses found in Gloucestershire have ruled out an attack by a ‘big cat’, but have instead raised fears of a ‘feral’ Bill Oddie.

Former wildlife presenter Oddie hasn’t been seen for some time, and expert Keith Bent thinks he may have been released into the wild instead of being put down at the end of his useful life.

“Oddie was a popular pet in the ’70s”, claimed cryptozoologist Bent. “But fully-grown Oddies can be quite bad-tempered and smelly. I expect the owners wanted to get rid of him, but couldn’t quite face chucking him in the canal in a bag full of bricks.”

Modern owners demand more and more from their pet wildlife presenters – it’s no longer enough for them to sit in a hide and stare at badgers.

“These days, the traditional naturalist is dying out. People prefer something a bit more ‘Ray Mears’ or ‘Bear Grylls'”, explained Bent. “If it can’t wrestle a big animal in a remote location, people just aren’t really interested.”

Despite their bizarre facial plumage and eccentric behaviour, Bent believes Oddies are surprisingly intelligent. “My theory is that this creature has learnt from the younger males, and is bringing down old deer in the park with his teeth”, Bent claimed.

“He’s probably living rough, wearing clothes he’s foraged from charity bins. So his outward appearance won’t have changed in the slightest.”

The public are urged not to approach feral presenters, unless they’ve got something nice to say about one of their programmes.

“It’s best to leave this to the experts”, said Bent. “We know how to handle these creatures when they’re no longer wanted. My team are working on the Thames this afternoon, trying to harpoon Terry Nutkins.”