"Choosing trust over doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened." -Victoria Monfort

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough.....

This is pretty unexpected, but CP moved out this morning.

While I did spend most of last night crying, I'm really O.K. with it. We both are. It's not a break up. And we already discussed that this is NOT a "Ross and Rachel we're on a break" and there'll be no hooking up with someone else!

Things between us, are good. If we were doing better financially, I would honestly have no complaints. (well besides the normal, "he leaves the toilet seat up" etc..) It's just gotten to the point where I'm starting to hate him, because I have to work two jobs. I'm tired of being tired. I could have quit by now if I were living on my own. Things are suppose to be easier financially when you live with someone, but they are much harder on me. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have to. I struggled with thinking, we should tough this out if we are going to get married. But the point is something has to change, and I don't think it can while we are together all the time.

Him getting back into drugs, really screwed up the trust. I don't trust people, and for me to have trusted him at all was big. That's gone. He put himself, and subsequently me, into a big fucking hole with all his Dr. bills. It seems so hopeless. I'd rather struggle on my own, and have only myself to blame. If he isn't running up bills at the house, he can pay me more money. Some people just need love, but personally, I need the whole package. To me, that's what love is. I asked him to file bankruptcy. He has a HUGE and I mean HUGE debt. I feel hopeless, and I'm only a couple grand in debt.

He has great thoughts, and plans, but they never come to be. He gets an idea, it grows to be big, and then it fizzles out. It's not that he even puts an effort towards them. They are just ideas. I dunno if I'm meant to learn that I don't need things to make me happy or what. But, I find nothing wrong with wanting to have money to afford cable. Going to the movies. I havn't been to a bar since St. Patricks Day. Before that? My birthday in December! It isn't that I'm blowing a ton of money, but I could afford to buy myself an outfit, and get my hair done before he moved in with me, and now it's a struggle. It shouldn't be. I make more than enough money for myself. But not for both of us.

Trouble is, he has so many bills, and has ignored them, and summons' to court for so long, he has a garnishment on his check. They take 1/4 of his pay now. Another 1/4 he pays to child support. So he is left with less than a minimum wage worker would make in a week. And he works 2 shifts almost every single day! It doesn't leave much to work with to pay his bills, pay me for living expenses, and feed himself and get to work in gas. I worry enough about myself. I can't have that burdon right now.

I came home and my direct tv was off. No Tivo? That's the last straw!!!!

So that's where we are. We're going to see each other on wknds. Try to work out our own things on our own. We basically lived together since we met, so this is good for us. I want him to be more goal oriented, and stick to doing things he starts. I can't make him, I can't change him, and this is a way to see how well he does 'on his own'. I'm not happy. It's the last thing I wanted to happen. I told him I didn't want him to go after having talked, but we both know it's for the best. It still sucks though.

10 comments:

Mon, I'm so sorry! I don't know the whole situation, but it certainly sounds like you're doing the right thing. I hope he gets it together to be the person you deserve. And then you can have Tivo again. I agree-it's unacceptable to be without it. :) Hang in there!

I hope things work out for you (and him, if that's the way it's "meant to be")! Money issues are important to me, too, and I need to know that I can depend on R and he can depend on me. If just one of us was doing all the work, neither of us would be happy. I've always been a firm believer that in order to take care of others (hubby, kids, etc) you have to take care of yourself FIRST!

Sarah: Thanks, I know, no Tivo? it's only 98.5% of my happiness here! I think if we can make it thorugh this it'll be smooth sailing!

Momma: Ummm...that's from signs. Is this a word game? Ok, is it a Movie? Jaquin in it? SIGNS! SIGNS! Swing the bat! Foil hats! I'm asking myself what I'm suppose to learn about myself. I'm reading a good book about getting the love you want. Part of it is, not leaving a relationship without getting the lesson. I find that I'm without fault soooo...? kidding! I'm seriously trying to see what it is I need to change in me. I'm not happy with myself all the time.

Celina: I kept telling CP that it's a partnership. Part of that, is sharing the load of all things. I think stepping out of the situation, will prevent hurtful things from being said, because it's getting to the point that I'm resenting him over working so much!

I am so sad for you. Sometimes tough love is the way you have to go. I wish both of you the best and I hope he realizes the sacrifices you have made. It's never fair for one person in a partnership to have all the burden. You made a difficult but necessary decision. I hope it works out for you. Good luck.