We were leaving. We were at the park for only 20 minutes, but we were leaving. Because his behavior was out of control, and we weren’t going to continue down that path anymore.

With my daughter in one arm and my son in the other, we marched straight back to the car. Putting my son into the car seat was easily mistaken for a world championship wrestling match. He arched his back with a strength I never witnessed before. I finally secured the buckle, and in that moment, he screamed at me with such parenting anger I wasn’t sure what my next move should be.

Because at that point?

I was boiling.

It’s the moment where you have to tame the complete lunatic mom that is racing to come out of you. The moment that you desperately want the magic potion for how to be a happy mom.

His arms and legs continued to flail as I walked to the other side of the car and placed my daughter (also screaming) into her car seat too. I got into the driver’s seat of the car and slammed the door.

And then…

I screamed.

My kids were screaming. I was screaming. And together we had one giant screamfest that probably belonged on a Dr. Phil Show episode called Parenting Freakshows.

The angry mom days no one talks about.

We don’t talk about it because we don’t want anyone to see us during our worst parenting hour. We hope no one else sees or notices or hears from two cars down as an entire family sits screaming inside a vehicle. Because deep down you know this is not who you are as a parent. In these dark parenting moments, you aren’t even sure who you are and where you came from.

It’s raw.

It’s real.

And it happens a lot more than we wish. In a perfect world, my heart would fill with endless patience and gratitude to savor each moment. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t get angry at my kids. In a perfect world, I would be the fun mom who always knows the right thing to do.

Instead, I get angry and frustrated and tired. There is not a single day where I don’t get frustrated with my kids.

There just isn’t.

But, mama? If you are struggling with parenting anger, you are not alone. Feeling angry and frustrated and irritated does not make you a bad mom.

You are in the parenting trenches, trying to dig your way out. But man, these kids. These kids are taking you on the wildest, most challenging parenting journey of your life. You never saw it coming and you are worn down to the bones.

How to stop feeling angry as a mom.

When you are struggling with anger and frustration, you gotta pick up the pieces and start moving forward. You might not know where to begin, and for a long time, I didn’t really either. I wanted to keep hiding these angry mom moments from the world and hope no one wondered why there was a parent yelling at the steering wheel of her car.

But you know what?

It is possible to enjoy more happy moments with your kids and experience less anger in motherhood. It’s not easy or perfect, and it does take work, but it’s possible.

It begins with two things.

Know your triggers.

Knowing what pushes your buttons upfront is the perfect offense to avoiding anger altogether. My triggers are lack of sleep and not having my husband home. He is gone on and off for work, and I frequently find myself losing my patience when he’s not around.

So for me, I have to allow other things around the house slide to ensure I get enough rest at night. And if my husband is gone for work, I need to make arrangements for a babysitter every now and again, so I can catch my breath.

Other examples of triggers may be…

Not nourishing your body with a healthy diet.

Too much technology (I’m guilty!).

Not taking time for yourself (Even if it’s just for one hour a week!).

Staying inside too much.

Working too many hours.

Taking your kids to places, where you know they will act out.

Not spending enough time with other adults (and only spending time with your kids).

For each parent, the trigger is different. It could be anything. But we have to know what will set us off in order to prevent it from happening. Diving deeper into triggers is something my friend Amanda does an amazing job explaining. She taught me how to recognize all my triggers and how to avoid them in a way that was realistic.

Know your calming strategies.

Because no matter how well you manage your triggers, there is always going to be a time when we get angry again. We are human. We are going to yell and get mad. That’s okay. Because when we get angry, we are going to arm ourselves with calming strategies.

Once I’ve calmed down enough, I talk to my son and work out the necessary consequences. Disciplining my son when I’m calm works ten times better than when I’m angry. When I’m angry we get into a big fight, everyone’s feelings are hurt, and we’ve accomplished very little in terms of better behavior.

There are countless strategies that you can learn to manage your anger when it hits hardest. When I signed up for Mama’s Anger Management, I got tons of free tips before the course even started. It helped me pinpoint a strategy that would work best for me.

Do you wonder why I screamed in the car?

My son refused to go to the bathroom at the outdoor park even though he was wetting his pants. He wanted to keep playing. And he didn’t want me to stop him and make him go to the bathroom. Isn’t that the silliest thing ever to fight about?

Basically, we were fighting over a bathroom break.

#momfail

That’s the part about anger in motherhood that we don’t always talk about. The part where we feel so angry and frustrated with our kids that we lose it over something silly.

Let’s be real though.

Anger in motherhood isn’t about one frustrating moment that happens during the day. Anger in motherhood is a culmination of daily frustrations that build and build until we break.

If you are looking for a better way to manage anger and feel more positive in motherhood, Mama’s Anger Management is an amazing course designed especially for you.

After taking the course myself, I can tell you the instructor Amanda is a delight.

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About Lauren Tamm

I'm Lauren, a military spouse and licensed Language of Listening® parent coach. I write about my crazy parenting adventures, discovering happiness in motherhood and navigating the ups and downs of military life. I spend my days re-heating coffee while chasing my kids around the house. Hang around for a bit and join the fun!

Reader Interactions

19 Comments

Great read Lauren. I sometimes wish my friends talked about these days more often. I would make us Momma’s feel less alone and show us that it’s actually pretty common! Another thing I do after these moments is I take a time out. I breath deep for a bit (after I know my kids are somewhere safe!) and then when I get back I explain to my kids (2 1/2 and 5) why I took a time out. Today it happened to be over pee for me too. It took us an hour to get packed up to go out for a playdate and that’s when my 5 year old decided she needed to pee. As we were pulling out. Ugh then I beat myself up for having such a screaming fest in front of my kids 😉 I say it makes us good moms! Thanks for making me feel less alone today!

This is such a great article. Thank you. As a mom and a behavior consultant, I experience it personally and vicariously through my clients. Mom anger puts us on the fast track to mommy guilt. Nothing good happening there. Thank you for your thoughtful words here. Every day is a new opportunity.

I feel like being able to talk about moments like these make other parents feel less terrible. We all have moments of anger and we are not proud of them. I’ve had to put my son in his crib (so I knew he was safe) and leave the room because I thought I was going to scream or cry or both. I’ve also (in a not so proud moment of overtiredness) yelled at him for whining.. Even though I know he’s only 1. Your right, being tired is a huge trigger. I find just a few moments alone help me regroup or (of my husband is home) taking a quick bath. Thanks for sharing in such a well written way!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Lauren! You are absolutely right-NO-ONE talks about the Angry Mum! You have given such a true and honest insight into a scenario which reasonates a million times plus around the world. As much as we love our little people, they know how to press the triggers all day every day and sometimes we are at an absolute loss as to what our next steps are…..even my closest friends don’t share this info and I would be embarrassed to do so since I think it is only me ? Great post ?

I am loaded with awful guilt after my 1 year old kept us awake last night and cried insesantly. I’ve just stopped breastfeeding him last week and we had 3 wonderful nights of uninterrupted sleep. I thought it all was over but last night he woke up several times crying and after trying to comfort him several times, I’ve lost it pretty quickly… I shouted at him and was rough at moving him from his cot to my bed… the guilt is now unbearable. Help!

Thank you so much for this article. I feel so alone especially when i lose my anger and start yelling at the kids. Hate feeling like this and at the end of the day tears stream down my face. I really need to stop yelling and more loving. I wish i could talk to someone about it.

Fee, I feel your pain. I deal with anger every single day and as much as I pray and try, it haunts me. I feel like motherhood has brought the worst in me, i feel like the happy, funny and upbeat person that i used to be BEFORE kids, its now a monster. But i do realize we have to give ourselves a break…we are human raising humans with no instructions in the box! You are not alone, we can only keep trying, breathing in and out, and moving on. Thanks Laura for such an eye opening article. I dont feel alone anymore. Happy Mothers Day to all of us…we ARE doing a good job!

YES!! (I’m typing this while wiping away tears). My husband is a pilot and thus is gone a LOT! Big trigger, right?! Learning to identify them and for me say them out loud or write them down will make a HUGE difference.

Thank you for this article! I’m checking out your other offerings right now.

Wow, I opened one of your emails today about listening and starting browsing at some articles as my little girl is asleep on me. And I come across this one. Which relates to my almost 3 year old. I’ve had these days. Too often lately and it makes me sad. I think I am burnt out. It’s not me to freak out and everyone talks about how I keep my cool. But if I’m alone and I am just so fine with no one listening to me I can snap and I feel like a failure. I need to take some me time and try to work on my calmness I know I have. Thanks for this.

My 2 year old and I had a bad day filled with her not listening and tons of me yelling. At night, before I put her in her crib, we said prayers together as usual, but that night I asked God for mommy to not yell so much and for her to be a good listener. She’s still a 2 year old (I wasn’t praying for a miracle, just help!), but I think it helped her feel better that we were both in the wrong and would try harder, mommy’s is human too and makes mistakes. Plus it taught her to turn to God for help in those daily struggles. It ended the day on a better note and helped me apologize for yelling.

I have done the group scream before too… it’s not something I tell people about because I feel ashamed after. But you’re right- it was the culmination of a long list of frustrations. I am so happy I stumbled across your blog! Everything I’ve read so far really hits home with me. It’s down to earth and applicable.

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