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I Won’t Be Your Gay Friend If…

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“I’ve been encouraged by the support of many friends (including gay friends, incidentally).” – Kirk Cameron

It’s become the latest cliche of homophobia that every time someone in the spotlight spouts something anti-gay, they’re quick to point out that they have gay friends. Really? I wonder if any of these people actually know what being a friend means.

Take Kirk Cameron, for example. He said a bunch of crazy stuff about homosexuality, then acted surprised that gay people took offense. He has gay friends, after all. Or so he claims.

Now, let me just state up front that Kirk Cameron’s or anyone’s opinion of homosexuality means about as much to me as my kid’s opinion of eating broccoli, which is pretty similar to how Kirk feels about the gays, actually. I mean, it’s not like Tina Yothers condemned me. Then, I’d be crushed.

But how does this guy develop such bigoted views and still think he’s admired by the people he’s bigoted against? That’s when I realized what’s going on:

You guys, we’re being too nice to Kirk Cameron.

Sure, he thinks he has gay friends. Most gay people I know are pretty cool. They’re not going to spit in a former child star’s face just because he grew up to be an insane, reactionary a-hole.

Take me for example. I’ve scooched over on the train so a bigoted person could sit next to me. I always let bigots get off the elevator before I get on. I’ve dropped pennies in the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray knowing that whoever takes my penny may have voted for Prop 8. What can I say? I’m very tolerant of people with different viewpoints than my own. But please, bigots, don’t mistake any of that for friendship.

Just so we’re clear, there are a few dealbreakers to us being buddies which you may not be aware of . Let me spell them out for you as clearly as I can before you go telling the media that I have your back.

I won’t be your gay friend if…

– You’ll let me cater your wedding but not have one of my own.

– You don’t think I should be able to adopt children because I might be “attracted” to them.

– You think merely saying you love everyone is equivalent to actually demonstrating that love.

– You use your religion both as a basis to attack me and as a shield to defend yourself from my rebuttal.

– You would treat your gay child with anything less than complete acceptance, unconditional love and a raging desire to kick the ass of anyone who made life hard for them.

– You joke in some movie that electric cars are “gay” and expect me to laugh.

– You still wish Will & Grace had hooked up at the end.

If any of those apply to you, that’s fine. You have every right to be exactly as horrible and wrong-headed as you want to be. As I said, though, don’t expect me to be your gay friend.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to address those people who actually are my friends, because clearly we’re giving those other guys the wrong impression.

So here’s what I propose:

If you see Kirk Cameron, Sarah Palin or any other blatant homophobe, don’t be nice to them. It confuses them.

Don’t shake their hand. Don’t style their hair or do their interior design or perform “Rent” for them. And for the love of God, don’t play your 1970s classic rock hits at their wedding, Elton.

Just cut them off and say, “Sorry, I only do that for friends.”

It’s not polite and it’s not subtle, but I’m afraid it’s the best course of action from here on out. Sometimes the only way to get through to these people is to be a complete douchebag.

YOU ROCK. This line gave me chills “You’ll let me cater your wedding but not have one of my own.”.. This line made me laugh: – “You still wish Will & Grace had hooked up at the end.”….this line is so dead on: “And for the love of God, don’t play your 1970s classic rock hits at their wedding, Elton.”……I hope everyone gets to read this..very profound.

Sorry, I would have been totally okay with Will being bi, and hooking up with Grace, as long asif they chose to have a relationship, they had a relationship that allowed for embracing all parts of their sexuality. Maybe Grace is bi too. That could be a lot of fun.🙂

I think one of the biggest things that angers me about bigots is how they think people who are homosexual want to molest kids…I mean, a mother doesn’t molest her son…(usually). Should all mothers be banned from having a male child? Oh, and people are nice to Kirk simply because he was a child star and played a good character – he’s an idiot. Loved the blog!

Jerry: I’m the editor-in-chief of Pittsburgh’s OUT, one of the longest-running gay publications in this country (we’ve been published for 40 years now). I would like to reprint your article “I Won’t Be Your Gay Friend” in a future issue and want to know how I go about that. Thanks. –David

i sometimes wonder if the looney tunes would be more accepting if we claimed being gay was a religion (we’d certainly have more financial and legal protections)…its certainly a religious experience for some

I really don’t care about Cameron, but let me write a whole blog about it. So Cameron is the reactionary a-hole, huh Sure. Another intolerant straightaphobic whiner who thinks that if a straight man thinks sodomy is gross, that makes him… A bigot. ‘Mommy man” is a good name for this guy.

Gay people simultaneously demand people respect their feelings because they are different. They demand to be treated with respect, and expect to be accepted…ALL WHlLE openly ridiculing and name calling those who are straight. You insult our religion, you insult are intelligence, and then u laugh. But when a straight person does that, u get a lawyer, play the victim, and whine to Rachel Maddow. Liberal hypocrisy knows no bounds. And gay people are as hateful as anyone.

NO, hateful people are as hateful as anyone. And why shouldn’t LGBT’s demand respect? Who is ridiculing your religion in this post? Is it whining to ask for basic rights? Methinks you are the one whining. And I am straight, not that I think that matters much. I qualify someone by their words and actions, not by their sexual orientation. Every point above was valid and funny. And hypocrisy (in general) knows no bounds. Not just liberals, hyperbole much? We are just more amusing when getting our point across. Not that I think I am funny. I will save that for Mommy Man.

I’m far too embarrassed for you right now to reply with my thoughts but please read up before posting. Not only re-reading this blog but also who Kirk Cameron is. I was on tour as a lead actor for a prominent evangelical youth conference and part of the “church” for years… He’s a bigot

[i]Gay people simultaneously demand people respect their feelings because they are different.[/i]

Nope, we demand respect because it’s the right thing to do. Disrespecting something for no good reason is wrong. Simple stuff, really.

[i]ALL WHlLE openly ridiculing and name calling those who are straight.[/i]

Er, nope. Or rather, perhaps, but not because anyone’s straight. I like people who are nice, whether they’re gay or straight. I despise bigots, whether they’re gay or straight.

[i] You insult our religion[/i]

Assuming your religion is Christianity, I do, personally, because I think its premises are eff’ing insane. But if someone isn’t bothering to wield their religion as a weapon at me, then I usually leave them alone.

[i]you insult are intelligence[/i]

Hey, when someone’s stupid, call ’em stupid. If bigots would stop being stupid, we’d stop calling ’em stupid, but bigotry is by its nature is stupid, so we’ll keep calling bigots stupid until they stop being bigots (and thus stupid).

[i]But when a straight person does that, u get a lawyer[/i]

Who’s suing Kirk Cameron? No one? Oh. Carry on, then.

[i]play the victim[/i]

“Play”, huh. I guess all those murders and assaults and suicides of gays committed or induced by bullying JUST because they’re gay are just “playing”.

[i]and whine to Rachel Maddow[/i]

I dunno who that even is.

[i]gay people are as hateful as anyone.[/i]

lolnope. Or rather, gay people can be hateful. But telling you lot to piss off when you demonise us isn’t being hateful, any more than telling a racist to piss off for demonising blacks or Jews is hateful. Sorry, your false equivocation isn’t accepted here.

Christianity is not YOUR religion. Christianity belongs to those who accept Christ and follow Him. Like it or not, there are gay people who are VERY committed to Christ and follow His teachings. I would even dare say that some follow HIS teachings more closely than you would ever think of doing. When you speak of it as “OUR” religion, that reeks of self-righteousness. When you confess Jesus as Lord, you belong to Him, not the other way around.

As for intelligence, your manner of writing tells me all I need to know about that. Your comment about hypocrisy is … well, quite hypocritical. As someone who has been on both sides of the issue, I can tell you there are no bounds to the hypocrisy of the right who want to claim they “love” everyone then act as if they are the only ones who deserve any consideration in this country. Jesus never taught that kind of bigotry, so please stop blaming it on Him.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. The typical gay is a hypocrite who would have you believe that only he can be free of the bigot label that they’re so willing to throw around when they run out of answers to the legitimate questions that their abnormal lifestyle naturally provoke. Cameron’s right, and the gay community deserves every bit of the wrath that they have fomented from those who are truly disgusted by the behavior that is flaunted as a means to stir up all of this unrest. You people are bigoted, for sure… and as pathetic a group as I’ve ever seen/heard from. You spend so much time and energy turning people off and then you scream bloody murder when they don’t give you the “respect you deserve”, as if you deserve it in the first place. What the he!! makes you SO deserving of anyones respect?

Kirk Cameron’s comments about homosexuality “I think that it’s detrimental and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization” are identical to what I have been saying about “Growing Pains” for years. And kudos to Alan Thicke for his tweet response.

I am not in anyway saying what kirk said was right, or wrong for that matter. In my opinion, being gay is wrong plain and simple. That does not make me a homophobe in any way. I do have gay friends, and i support their decisions. It is not my job to go around an tell all the gay, bisexual males and females they are wrong for being gay. It is my job to simply worry about myself, so that is what everyone should do. You are only going to stir up the gay community, which will cause more problems.

Is being gay wrong because only about 10% of the population is gay? Is being left handed wrong because only about 10% of the population is left handed? Remember when religious people used to say that left handedness is a sign of devil possession? Over the years, it has come to be known that some people are born left handed but most are not. Maybe, just maybe, you could entertain the thought that being gay is not wrong, just not as common as being straight? Seriously, after all, who told you that being gay is wrong? Was it a medical doctor or a researcher or anyone who studies human behavior? Or was it a priest or your bible? Because if that is why you think being gay is wrong, please read that bible thoroughly and think about all the rules and laws in that book that are no longer practiced today? Why aren’t they? Maybe because even priests and other church officials have learned that they need to let some of those outdated rules go like the one about mixing two crops in the same field being punishable by death or the rule about committing adultery being punishable by death. Do you get what I am saying? Just think about it. Think about how being gay is wrong. What is wrong about it and who says it’s wrong?

You might like to play the etymological purist, but “homophobic” has come to encompass many things, including expressions of heterosexism, heterocentrism, fear of gay people, hatred of gay people, and yes, the belief that “being gay is wrong plain and simple.” That sentiment is homophobic.

And I might add that your statement “You are only going to stir up the gay community” is patronizing, condescending, and deeply offensive, in the same way that telling women not to worry their pretty little minds about things like money and politics is – as if women have no stake in politics, as if LGBT people have no stake in opposing homophobia. LGBT people are being assaulted, harassed, murdered, fired from their jobs, evicted from their homes, slandered, and in many other ways abused every single day because of their orientation or gender identity. They should be stirred up. And not only the gay community, but everyone else, too. Kirk Cameron’s bigoted and homophobic remarks should piss us off, because they are an affront to humanity. Such hateful comments should always be met with clear opposition. So yeah, we’re stirring up the gay community. That’s the effing point.

Being gay is wrong? Now, I’m not gay, but I think YOU are wrong. Homosexuality exists in the natural world, in our species and many others. Research shows that homosexual behavior, not necessarily sex, has been observed in close to 1500 species, ranging from primates to gut worms, and is well documented for 500 of them. You can only be right or wrong if you make a choice. If the choice is taken from you and you are born gay, it can’t be wrong. Otherwise, God, or nature or evolution, or whatever you believe in, is ‘wrong’.

U know, you are perfectly okay with believing being gay is wrong, then I would suggest you make sure to not work, speak, stand next to queer ppl and their allies cause we don’t want you making us feel like we have to make you feel better about your inhumanity.

When people like Kirk Cameron, Sarah Palin, or the many many other professional homophobes cite their ‘gay friends’ I always want to ask, “Can other people see and hear these gay friends of yours too, or just you?”

A friend of mine happens to be a lesbian and also one of the nicest people I know (otherwise she wouldn’t be my friend, of course). She has just written a heartbreaking post about her wedding three years ago, and the pain caused by family members who couldn’t be asked to attend. Because they wanted to “protect their children”. Or for no reason at all (at least none given). Now, that her sister and a cousin are getting married, none of them has to deal with this kind of crap, simply because they are straight! Talking of bigots…

I sure wish you would have put, “I won’t be your gay friend if YOU VOTE REPUBLICAN.” While I am polite and interract with colleagues, clients, etc. who may be republicans I refuse to be friends with them. Why be friends with anyone that says that they’re for gay marriage and yet vote Republican. To them I say, “You might talk the talk, but you don’t walk the walk.”

I would disagree. xD Republicans may be more reactionary, but there are more issues than just gay marriage and they’re entitled to agree with them more than a Democrat candidate. And Democrats can be bigots too.😛 Bigots exist in both parties– just because you vote one way or another doesn’t make you one in itself.

I disagree. Being a republican doesn’t mean you hate gay people. I’m a republican. I have gay friends and I’m for abortion. Half of my family members are gay, whatever that means. However, I own multiple businesses and republicans are pro small business. I think democrats have great policy on gay rights and on abortion but if we don’t stop spending money as a country we’re going to have bigger problems than whether or not daddy gets to marry another man.

Quit being narrow minded. Open your mind to republicans the same way you ask straight people to open their minds towards gay rights. Can you do it or do you want to keep perpetuating the hate between gays and republicans?

Republicans are supporters of big business, not small business. Their policies stifle competition, and hence your business, by promoting the interests of big business. You need to open your mind up to economic realities–everyone, including you, does better economically when so-called liberal policies are enacted. Do the research.

“I am a straight person” why do people have to be labeled as gay or not gay simple as that. and i believe that if a “gay” person wants to get married and they are happy with that decision than i say GO FOR IT!! I have plenty of “gay” friends! people should not judge one another! there is only one being to judge and that is god! thats my opinion!

Who gives a shit? Your gay, move on with your life. It’s shit like this that fuels Kirk to keep saying and doing what he’s doing. Who cares if you like dicks and your a man. Quit whining about how someone doesn’t like you. Be happy you don’t live in the Middle East where they execute you for playing the meat flute. Stop spreading hate.

Gayforpay, it is much more complex than “whining about how someone doesn’t like you.” It is about basic respect and equal rights. What if all women had simply shut up and stopped whining about the fact that they couldn’t vote. Or blacks had stopped whining about not being served at the lunch counter. Stop whining about inflammatory comments and the lack of equal rights in America? No thanks. I will stand up for what I believe. Dialogue about these issues is important. Public outcry is important. It holds people accountable for what they say. Rush Limbaugh is a great example– the public held him accountable and he lost advertisers. I am a straight woman who is appalled at the way gays are treated like second class citizens in many ways in this country. I won’t shut up until this is fixed. Someday this will all go down in the history books and I will be proud to know that I stood on the side of the line that stood for respect and equality.

I agree completely. I have a gay cousin & a lesbian cousin. They are both wonderful people & I don’t want anyone to mistreat them in any way. I will stand up for homosexuals because they are people! I believe it was John Lennon who said, “All Love is good Love”.

You’re missing the point Stacey. Kirk Cameron? Really? Who gives a shit? Instead or perpetuating hate, move on with the cause. Quit spreading the hate. It’s just reverse hate. Kirk hates me so I’m gonna hate him. Spread a positive message, not hate.

I’m a minority and I get discriminated against everyday. I had a cop ask me if my social security number was from Mexico! I laughed and said Mexico doesn’t have social security numbers and he threatened to arrest me. I had a clerk run the “$100 bill checker-marker” on me tonight, on a five dollar bill! Who the fuck counterfeits $5 bills??? Do you think I waste one minute of my day thinking about their ignorance? Do I pick on white people or say don’t be nice to white people?

“If you see Kirk Cameron, Sarah Palin or any other blatant homophobe, don’t be nice to them.”

“It’s not polite and it’s not subtle, but I’m afraid it’s the best course of action from here on out. Sometimes the only way to get through to these people is to be a complete douchebag.”

How are the above statements positive towards the fight for gay rights? It’s comments like these that make straight people laugh at gays and say shit like “it’s just a choice to be gay.”

I’m not saying don’t stop the fight for gay rights. What I am saying is change your message. Don’t fight hate with hate.

I love your blog and I’ve only read one post! I agree, both gay and straight Americans are way too nice to homophobes. It needs to change. Respect is earned, not given. LGBT Americans, have earned their respect. Homophobes have not.

Well, Jerry, you shall never be accussed of going unnoticed.
There really needs to be a like button on the comments too because there are many people speaking their minds – and mine too. And there are people who crack me up because, well, they say seriously dumb things.
I think people deserve respect because they are people (but only when they act nice and play well with others in the sandbox of life. .)
And for anyone thinking Jerry is stirring the pot, spreading the hate, whatever – HE’S BEING FUNNY about issues that sometimes are not at all funny.
OH, and Jerry, when you and Drew want to get married, feel free to move to Canada. I’ll sing at your wedding.

If anything a has-been child actor concerned me in the slightest, I’d be more ashamed of myself. This guy REALLY has gay friends? I doubt it, because I’d like to think they’d have been the first people to set the record straight for him.

Get off your holier than though soapbox Cameron… and stop spewing your garbage from inside your glass house. However, since you brought religion into the discussion, you could try ACTING like one. God never once taught us to hate our fellow man. God taught love and tolerance. Look THAT up in your Bible.

I had this same conversation with my girlfriend while waiting in line at the drugstore yesterday.

It’s one thing for him to have his views, and even express them. Hey, that’s free speech. But don’t expect me to believe that he has gay friends who agree with him and believe that they do not deserve the same rights as everyone else, based on their sexual orientation.

It’s like the time a “friend” of mine tried to get me to agree that organ transplantation is wrong, all the while knowing that my sister is a liver transplant recipient. Yeah, I didn’t really side with my “friend” on that issue.

There is a problem, however with what has been said. Just because someone has a conviction based upon what the Lord God says in Scripture, does that make him/her a homophobe? No, it doesn’t. However, if the person does not show the love of God to all people, then they have missed God’s chief command. There is a time to confront because “all have sinned”, including the confronter. We need.to remember that Jesus came to save all sinners, for which I am the chief of them all. Humility is the only way to go.

@ Ann Bevan: “We” don’t need to remember anything about Jesus, because not all of us are Christians. As far as what Jesus himself said about homosexuality, he said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You will find no mention of homosexuality in the red letters in your new testament, assuming yours has the red letters. The red letters are what Jesus himself supposedly said, and he makes no mention. The only person who makes mention of anything even slightly related to homosexuality is Paul, and that is regarding pagan temple prostitution, not homosexuality. Paul, however, was a liar anyway, because there are two completely different versions of his conversion on the road to Damascas, in the same book. So, really, the new testament mentions nothing about modern homosexuality, and Christians have ZERO reason to oppose marriage equality, or homosexuality in general. Follow Christ, not paul, if you’re truly a Christian.

@rix666 – I keep seeing that “1500 species” factoid tossed around. OMG, 1500 species! I’d better switch teams and catch up so I won’t get left behind by this evolutionary juggernaut. Wait a sec … 8.7 million species (according to recent estimates) … hmm, that’s 1500/8700000 … no, those estimates could be off by +-1.3 million so let’s go low (pun?) and call it 7.4 million to be safe … OK, 1500/7400000 is … whoa! 0.0203%!!! Dang, them heterosexuals are sure bucking the trend now, huh? Well, maybe it isn’t fair to include species “less evolved” and enlightened than animals so let’s see about that – 1.25 million animals (give or take) presently living and reproducing on mother earth (we’ll have to ignore the millions that don’t exist anymore) so that would be 1500/1250000 is … gee, 0.12%. Sounds like somebody didn’t spend enough time studying math in 5th grade.

You rock! I mean, here I am becoming a group facilitator volunteer for a LGBTQ youth group in this small city of Calgary, and here you are, giving me a really positive blog that I can totally mention amongst the many. I’m soooo glad I had the chance to join your blog. Keep doing your thang! I’m so proud of you and happy for you!😀

Thanks so much – what a sweet comment! I have a soft spot for LGBTQ youth – having once been one myself🙂 So if I can help them in any way or just help spread the “It Gets Better” message, then I couldn’t be happier. Hope your group enjoys the blog!🙂

Greetings! Woweee! An honour to receive your reply back! Thank you sooo much! Wowee! LGBTQ Youth are sooo warm and kind, this group have been so kind to me. I’m hoping to do some career development stuff for them. As many are in their early to late teens, and I find career assessments too boring and premature for this stage, I had this idea of being like a ‘Career Genie’ for them by asking what their three career wishes were (or life wishes), and two people they would like to speak to in such careers and one step they will take this year to be that much closer to it. It kinda just dropped in my head after meeting them and their incredibly positive energy.

I’m so excited to have your support! I’ll definitely contact you should I get ‘stuck’ or unsure of myself as I often do. But their warm smiles and hugs, have made it that much easier to my zeal to want to help.

😀 Awwww… thank you! They are so warm and kind, it’s easy to be motivated!😀 And thank you for your support. Makes it a whole lot less intimidating as I venture into being a positive support for everyone.😀

Many, many years ago I saw some show on TV that he was hosting. I hadn’t seen him since my childhood and thus got excited. Imagine my horror when I realized it was AN ENTIRE SHOW based on how evolution was fake.

Well I say “entire show”. After waiting 10 minutes for the punch line, I finally changed the channel. The shock did not wear off for a very long time.

I just saw you & your family on The Today Show. I love y’all! You boys are so brave. Your children seem healthy, happy, well behaved & blissfully “normal”. I wish u all the best & look forward to reading your blog. May your family have a lifetime of wonderful adventures & happiness!

Thanks, Michele! Glad you liked the piece, and I hope you’ll keep reading the blog. The kids got a big kick out of seeing themselves on TV today. As soon as it was over, my daughter asked, “Now can we watch another show about us?”