When We Don’t Win: 5 Steps to Find the Silver Lining

Everybody likes to win. It makes us feel good. We get what we want. We feel happy. Maybe even overjoyed.

But what about the times when we don’t win? When life doesn’t go our way? “Losing” has a way of making us feel powerless and afraid – like someone or something has more control over us.

My friend Tara had a great take on this. She’d been frustrated for months over a guy who was sending lots of mixed signals. She just wanted clarity. The light came on mid-Asana. “I realized it wasn’t about him,” she said. “I was frustrated because I wasn’t getting something I wanted. Well, we don’t always get what we want. And, in the end, sometimes it’s for the best. Now I can move on.”

Regaining Balance

Getting clear helped Tara not only move on, but find her silver lining. Buried beneath the confusion was the truth that she’s ready for love again – something she thought she’d lost after her divorce.

We all want to get past the messy stuff and regain stability. But as they say, the only way past a situation is through it. If you feel sad, feel it. Shocked? Acknowledge it. Afraid? Embrace it.

Once you’ve felt all the feelings, considered worst case scenarios, and maybe even cried a little (or a lot), it’s time to reclaim your authority.

Here are a few things you can do to restore order to your internal state where, fortunately, you have ultimate domain. And in the process, find your silver lining.

Step 1: BREATHE

Just breathe. Take 10 deep breaths. In out, in out. Inhale for three counts, exhale for four. Feel your system start to calm. (Repeat as needed.)

Step 2: GRIEVE

Underneath the other emotions like shock, anger and fear, is usually sadness. And sadness is all about loss. In my friend Tara’s case, she lost the potential for love. What are you afraid of losing? Whatever it is, be with it. Listen to it. And know: This is what matters to you.

Step 3: ACCEPT

You can’t rush step, but when you’re ready, accept what’s happened. Tara was set free from pain and confusion when she accepted that she wasn’t getting what she wanted. There’s a certain peace that comes from seeing the truth. Until something changes, this is what is.

Step 4: OBSERVE

Life is cycles within cycles. Sometimes you have to step back to see why things are happening the way they are. With enough perspective, what appeared painful and small can actually look incredibly profound. When something unsettling happens, step back. Look for the bigger picture…and the silver lining.

Step 5: ACT

Acceptance doesn’t mean being passive. It’s about seeing clearly. Once you’ve taken a breath, connected with what matters, accepted what is, and gained a larger perspective, you begin to see your place in the whole. If there’s something you feel passionate about, speak up. Stand up. Show up. You matter. What you love matters.

Being able to stand strong, centered in our lives whether we get what we want or not – maybe that could be a new definition of winning, and “losing” could be tossed out altogether.