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Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Blog Tour: Opal Moonbaby - Maudie Smith

Good afternoon my dears. Two blog tours in one day - maniac around here at the moment! For my second stop of the day I've got a great guest post from Maudie Smith, author of the middle-grade novel, Opal Moonbaby. Have a read below of the exact from The Earth Manual and see if you can make it all the way through without cracking a smile. I failed, spectacularly.

Extract from:

The Earth Manual(Essential reading for all Earth-bound Carnelians)

Section II.iii.4(a.1.11)Street Wisdom

As has already been said many times in this Manual, when on Earth it is the Carnelian's main aim to blend in, ie to not stand out. Observe the following simple rules and you will be sure to be taken for just one of the crowd.

Street Rule, the first: Earth streets are exceedingly cracky (ie littered with cracks). Attend to these cracks at all times. Do not step on one or you will be eaten by an Earth bear. (NB. This is not proven but do you really want to risk it?)

Street Rule, the second: WALK in an Earth street. Do not GLIDE. Gliding will draw immediate attention to you. It is in any case much more difficult to glide on Earth owing to the high levels of gravity.

Street Rule, the third: If you encounter a human coming towards you, immediately make eye contact with them. This helps to establish that they are neither a lamp-post nor a parking meter - there is a great deal of such street furniture cluttering the Earth highways and it can be confusing. Once you have established eye contact, extend your hand and grasp the oncoming fingers firmly in your own, saying as you do so, “How do you do?” (This makes no particular sense. 'What do you do?' would be a much more useful question but humans expect this so say it anyway.) The human will respond with 'Yo!', 'fine, thank you', 'what's it to you?' or 'huh?', at which point you should release their fingers, say, 'It was pleasant shooting the breeze with you. Goodbye,' and continue on your way in a purposeful manner.

Note: if the human has a street pet with them (street pets are mingle-like creatures usually with a canine emphasis) on no account allow your mingle to come into contact with them. This will lead to suspicious rear end sniffing. If your mingle does arouse comment, say, 'Yes he's a rare breed of terrapin,' and move quickly away.