A Perfect Match

If I would have known what a pain it would be to find clothes to wear to my wife’s brother’s wedding, I never would have sent in the reply card.

If I would have known what a pain it would be to find clothes to wear to my wife’s brother’s wedding, I probably never would have sent in the reply card. Any repercussions would have been worth it.

I’m not even talking about going to the store to buy suits for my boys. I understood this needed to happen. I have 3 little boys, and none of them really had suits. It’s just that in general, they don’t go to a whole lot of business meetings. Sure, there’s always Shabbos, but the last thing we want is to get them a suit and a jacket that are both “dry-clean only” to wear on the most food-intensive day of the week.

“Come back to the table! You didn’t finish your cholent!”

There are no Jewish foods that don’t make you dirty.

There are no Jewish foods that don’t make you dirty.

But apparently, shopping for a wedding is way more complicated than just chasing three small boys around a clothing store.

Firstly, there’s women’s clothing, which apparently is partially my problem now. When I was a kid, my mother always handled that part without involving me even a little. But apparently, I didn’t marry my mother. I married my wife, who wears what I’d consider nice dresses every Shabbos, yet she informed me several weddings ago that if a woman is related to the bride or groom, she’s supposed to wear a gown, which is like a dress, only more expensive. Until my wife told me this, I had no idea there was a difference between gowns and dresses. Honestly, I thought they were interchangeable words.

But apparently, unlike a guy, a woman can’t wear the same outfit to her wedding as she can to Shul on Shabbos as she can to a job interview. No matter how nice it is.

In fact, the only places you can wear gowns, are to:

weddings,

hospitals, and

graduations.

And even then, you can only wear one at all if you’re:

related to the hosts,

a patient, or

the one graduating.

People are very snooty about this. Also, you can’t, for example, wear a hospital gown to a wedding. That’s not how it works.

I think that’s ridiculous. When a guy buys a suit, he gets to wear it, not just to his own wedding, but to every wedding he goes to, as well as every Shabbos, as well as any event he’s going to go to where his sweatpants won’t cut it. No one looks at him and goes, “Um, Didn’t you wear that suit to your brother’s wedding?”

“Well, that’s embarrassing. I didn’t think anyone would notice.”

So women need to wear an outfit that is way fancier than anything they actually own, and they can only wear it once. Because apparently, every wedding has its own color scheme, which may or may not have anything to do with what color the place settings are going to be. Someone will decide that everyone in the wedding party (which is not the same as the wedding itself, even though that’s also a party) has to wear a certain color, so that everyone knows they’re related.

When I was growing up, one thing my mother did teach me was that my clothes had to match. My socks had to be the same color as each other, and my shirt and pants had to look like they belonged to the same person. But what is this about matching everyone else in the room? We’re not furniture.

What is this about matching everyone else in the room? We’re not furniture.

And yes, I know that sometimes people buy matching clothes for their kids to wear in public, but that’s so they can find their kids in a crowd. They regret it as soon as they realize that they don’t know which kid is which from behind unless they’re all standing in a row. So is this so you can find everyone in your wedding party if you all decide to go to the zoo?

Is it in case some of them walk down the aisle? They’re not all walking down at once. Though that would definitely speed things up.

Supposedly, though, it’s for pictures – so that instead of looking like a picture of a bunch of people in various-colored outfits, it can look like a picture of a giant monochrome monster with way too many heads. If anything, it makes it harder to look through pictures.

“Oh, there’s Shoshana.”
“Which one is she?”
“The one in the blue.”
“They’re all in blue.”

Pictures are everyone’s least favorite part of the wedding anyway. You stop everyone from having a good time and call them into a room so you can capture forever what is literally the worst moment of the party.

I could see the color thing being a big deal if your relatives are the type who, left to their own devices, would show up in overalls.

“Can we wear this jumper?”
“No.”
“Can we wear this plaid thing?”
“No. You know what? Let me make it easier for you. Just wear this.”

So my wife and daughter are supposed to match whatever color the bride’s mother picked, because for some reason, the groom’s side has to match the bride’s side, despite that they’re not appearing in a single picture together. (Except maybe in crowd shots. Should everyone at the wedding be wearing this color?) It’s only because we’re appearing in pictures with the groom’s mother, who’s appearing in pictures with the bride’s mother, who’s appearing in pictures with her family. So we all have to match, by default. I say that maybe the mothers should each just have one extra gown that they keep in their respective family rooms that match each other and that they can change into for shots where they have to appear together.

I actually thought the color thing wouldn’t affect me, though, as a guy. I’m wearing a black suit, as are my boys. We’re matching, but not on purpose. But then I found out that the ties that my sons and I wear are technically supposed to match the dresses too. Because in the widescreen wedding picture taken from 50 feet away, people are going to see the inch and a half of necktie between my head and the head of whoever’s standing in front of me. I can technically buy one tie, cut it into pieces, make little knots, and give them to everyone.

And we still have to figure out shoes. My 4-year-old’s been missing his left Shabbos shoe for about two months now. We have no idea where it is, and we’ve been tearing the house apart. By this point, I’ve decided that it’s definitely not under anything, so it has to be in something. We don’t want to buy him a new pair until he outgrows his current ones, and we’ll never know when that happens, because it’s not like he’s periodically trying on the one he has. But we have to find his other shoe, AND it has to match the first one, because we all know how important it is for things to match at this wedding, apparently. Especially since he’s walking down the aisle with his sister. In the meantime, he’s been wearing his school sneakers every Shabbos.

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About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, and Cholent Mix, all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...