Television networks chain up the doors, Restaurants fail, photographers go on unemployment, body shops go out of business. Jewelry stays on shelves. A entire industry fails. What could possibly be behind all this chaos?

Lindsay Lohan.

Ben Bernanke, head of the Federal Reserve Bank, called a press conference announcing a new problem on the horizon effecting the fiscal fitness of The United States.

The syndrome, deemed "The Lindsay Lohan Effect", is a direct repercussion from Lindsay Lohan being sentenced in a Los Angeles courtroom to 90 days lockdown rehab earlier this week.

When asked specifically what the, "Lindsay Lohan Effect", was, Bernanke elaborated. "the Lindsay Lohan Effect is the direct instantaneous feedback felt by the American financial system when Lindsay Lohan and her shenanigans are taken off the streets".

The Fed commissioned a study as to why the stock market and other financial institutions performances do poorly when Lindsay Lohan is incarcerated or chilling at home for extended periods of time.

Sid Sunset, a investigator and financial expert found a correlation between Lindsay Lohan's partying habits and financial down trends, "It's all there in black and white, facts and figures don't lie, Lindsay Lohan is a industry unto herself. Ms Lohan's actions have a profound and lasting effect on each and every one of our lives".

According to the 20,000 page report, on the up side, if Lindsay Lohan makes a spectacle of herself, photographer take photos, reporters do live shots, commercials are broadcast, bloggers gossip, waitress get tips, drug dealers deliver, food is served, drinks are shared etc, etc, etc, you can see the intricate ramifications involved here.

A never ending, expanding cascade of events unfold translating into billions of dollars world wide.

Bernanke extended a plea to Lindsay on behalf of the country. "I don't want to burden Ms Lohan with any undue pressure but please keep up the good work, we all depend on you, industries depend on you, you go girl".

Apparently the fate of the nation has fallen to rest on the ample, upturned, jutting breasts of Lindsay Lohan dancing her fantastic antics.

No one ever thought everyone would be pulling for more Lindsay Lohan in the media but that's what it has come to.

From Sunset and Vine in Beautiful Downtown Hollywood California 90028BEFvagina

Make Buck E Filbert's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

Minneapolis - A potential ISIS recruit's mother says she regrets urging her son to seek work after hearing Secretary of State John Kerry's advice that the world forestall Islamic radicalization by giving "jobs" to the kind of young men most vulnerab...

Somalia Based Islamist terror group Al Shabaab has posted a chilling video message calling on jihadist cells in America to strike fear in the hearts of shoppers in America's malls.
Though terror experts consider the video mostly bluster, The Al...

Boise, Idaho - A 72 year old Nampa, Idaho man visiting relatives he "doesn't like" in Boise says he was "just screwing around" looking through an old box of "pornos" at some "meth head's" garage sale, when he came across a literary bombshell that cou...

New York - As if his reputation was not tarnished enough, doubts are now surfacing about a piece of reporting Brian Williams did decades ago for his high school newspaper in upstate New York.
As a budding assistant sports editor, Williams reporte...

BILLINGSGATE POST: Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that the only way that the Keystone Pipeline would be passed is if it first goes through President Obama.
One intrepid reporter asked if the President's bunghole was big enough to a...

In what could easily have descended into a free for all, name calling, I'm right, you're wrong thread in the comment section of a Fox News story about evolution, user dEEzNutZ1979 stopped everyone dead in their tracks by responding to user GodGunzAnd...

Philadelphia, PA-- A South Philadelphia man is dead tonight after attempting to cook dinner for his wife. Police sources say it was the first time Mr. Spaghetti tried to cook anything.
Mrs. Spaghetti had a heart attack after she learned that he...