Random thoughts for today

Last night was rough. I didn’t sleep well, felt sick, battling the effects of throwing up again. Why do these things keep happening?

I feel angry inside, but not sure why. I spent most of the day trying to put Christmas decorations up. I finally reached that place where I knew I had to jump right in and begin. However, the moment I tried, I was constantly being distracted by all sorts of things. Here is what went on after I told my husband I was ready…

went and colored my hair

decided sweep the leaves outside

then in the garage

started more laundry

opened Christmas containers and closed them over and over

walked around in circles from room to room

repaired odd things that were broken-not important

So, you see, my attempts where met by unnecessary distractions. Finally, many, many hours later-we have decorations. I’m not sure how I even feel about it yet. I didn’t put up things that seemed to trigger uneasy emotions- and there were several of them! My husband was very kind and asked before he put things up. He is terrific and I love him bunches! He puts up with so very much from me…grateful.

Most of the night, I seemed to be in a fog. At times it wasn’t so bad, and other times I wanted to get out of here. More than once, I wanted to throw things, smash them, watch them shatter into pieces. It reminded me of my childhood, abuse, and how my family covers it all up! Always having to look good on the outside, so no one really sees what is raging inside. I am sure that was my teenage part. She was very angry. I felt my biggest battle happened internally with her. It went something like this:

B: Why are we doing this?

Me: Because it’s important.

B: To who?

Me: To all of us, but the little girls need a happy Christmas this year.

B: I don’t need it.

Me: Maybe you do.

B: I don’t think so, it is stupid.

Me: Why?

B: Doesn’t make things go away…nothing will change.

Me: Like what?

B: Things I don’t want to think about. Anyway, you let them all control you again- and they won.

Me: Who won? I wasn’t controlled.

B: Bullshit! You let your husband talk you into it, and the counselor. You never stand up for yourself!

Me: I think they were trying to be helpful. I was unsure.

B: Exactly! You are never sure.

Me: I am sorry you are upset. What can I do to help you?

B: Nothing! You’ve done enough…

Ugh! That is how my conversation with her went. No real answers, strong statements, because she is very guarded. I feel bad because I want everyone to enjoy a new start at Christmas. Although, I often wonder if she is right about listening to others. I will say, I wanted my therapist to be on my side when I talked about not wanting to participate in Christmas. Maybe it was too extreme. But I will admit to feeling a bit “put off” that she didn’t say, “Don’t do it, if you don’t want too.” Or maybe it’s what I wanted to hear….I hate being indecisive and not knowing!

There seems to be several things attached to Christmas. I feel uneasy, nervous, somewhat afraid, and unsettled all at the same time. Maybe it’s pressure to make it different, because what if it isn’t! I do want to enjoy it, but I guess I don’t know how. I feel vulnerable inside. It will be important for me to communicate with those in my “circle” of support. Of course, there’s that little issue of Holidays=Vacation.

In the past, my therapist has let me know, on my last visit, prior to her vacation, that she was taking time off. I realize she did this so that I wouldn’t dwell on it weeks ahead of time, or get my self worked up and afraid. Maybe it’s a compliment to my progress that I found out 3 weeks ago what days she would be gone. I was proud of myself for the progress, and glad she told me…..but now it seems overwhelming! Of course, it makes sense that everyone takes vacation, and especially between Christmas and New Year’s. But right now, it feels scary that I won’t be able to see here, talk through the struggles, and make sense of the things I may be feeling. Now, if there is anyone deserving of vacation, it is her! I am not saying that at all! I would take a year off, if I had to me as a client. She is an incredible therapist, and I am truly blessed to have her.

I wouldn’t want to admit to any of that, because I don’t want to seem “needy” or so “messed up” that I can’t survive! Sometimes I find it very difficult to actually say what I really need. Is it because I don’t know? Or that I put too much on others. Either way, it’s a daily struggle.