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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

How to ensure you'll be single for life

Sing “girl, look at my body. I work out” to me, tweet the lyrics because it's a "feel good song that represents you" and mention we should see LMFAO live, I’d love to. Also, can you never brush your teeth again? Your Olive Garden breath is pleasant. Is that the "endless soup and salad" I smell?

I’d like you more if you were completely dependent on your parents. You should call them all the time because they’re really good at answering questions like what to do when you forget your debit card in the ATM and how to iron polyester. Oh my god, can you be really clingy too? Can you text me when you know I'm sleeping or unavailable to talk with endless brain banter? Nothing screams “let’s get serious” more than "watcha doin? I'm tired. Sigh, there's nothing on TV. Hello? Should I eat spaghetti tonight? Watcha doin?"

Also, make sure you announce that you’re going to be single for the rest of your life on Facebook so we can all comment “no you won't, stop it! You’re great! Who wouldn’t want to be with you?” Then continue to sulk like it’s a Morrissey music video so we can all feel sorry for you.

Keep going for people who are out of your league like supermodels or mermaids. Also, have affairs, pursue people who are taken and don’t get over your ex. It has only been four years anyway.

Keep dating people you meet online. I’m serious. And only limit yourself to people who poke you or people who are OK according to Cupid. Don’t ever hit on someone you see in real life, actually, just stay home. Don’t go out, ever.

Don’t text me back and feel free to update your Facebook status about some philosophical idea you had like “why are we all here?” instead. Be promiscuous too; there’s nothing sexier than a person who has slept with more people than I’ve had dentists clean my teeth.

Ah, and you know what’s a major turn on? If you went on a dating show on VH1 or MTV involving a washed up MySpace celebrity with a name like Tila Tequila or Willa Whiskey. That’s so hot. And have sex on camera. Have sex with multiple people. Have sex with multiple people at the same time. My parents will love you. Can we just run away and get married already?