Wednesday, May 16, 2007

In Which I Am Very Busy

We left Jake’s apartment and stopped at the supermarket. “Should I bring a gift? Maybe some smoked almonds?”

“I don’t think that’s really necessary,” I said.

**As we got closer to the building we saw a girl just ahead of us, with crayon-colored hair and flip flops on her feet. “I bet she’s going to be there,” whispered Jake in a meant-to-be-overheard voice. “She looks freaky.”

“Shut up! She’ll hear you.”

“Yeah, look at those flip flops, she’s definitely going.”

“Seriously Jake, shut up.”

**We got on the elevator with the crayon-haired girl. When she got off, so did we. We followed her down the hall at a safe distance. When she made a right I turned to Jake and hissed: “She’s totally going!” And we sniggered.

At Jefferson’s door Jake took a deep breath. “Listen,” I said again, “It’ll be fine. Everyone is going to sitting around talking and drinking. No one will be naked (it was still early). It won’t be awkward.” He nodded.

I opened the door. First thing I saw was two naked women draped over a clot of men on the sofa. The air was smoky and there was a considerable din. A topless girl burst out of the kitchen and gave me a hug. “Lily!” It was Wendy.

Jake and I looked at each other. I shrugged: I guess I was wrong, was what I meant.

This was the third orgy I’d been to and I’d gotten Jake to join me. Jake had heard of Jefferson but not met him, but I’d put them in touch and now here we were.

“Is Jefferson here?” Jake asked

I couldn’t see him anywhere. “I guess he’s in the back room.”

“Well, then I’m keeping my salted almonds.”

The party was the liveliest I’d ever seen – there must have been more than twenty people in the apartment, some in various state of undress, some drinking and some… ooooohhhh Hot!Mmmark.

“Hi!” Could I give him the cheek kiss or the on-the-mouth (closed) kiss? I was so pleased to see him. Just the fact that he was at the party made me feel like it was going to be a great night.

Eventually Jefferson appeared, following a really glamorous woman who stumbled into the hall, buttoning up her white men's shirt. I waved to Jefferson. I talked to Cody. I congratulated Emma on her engagement to Adam. I congratulated Adam. I met Jacob, whom Jefferson had been talking up to me for some time. I noticed Hot!Mmmark canoodling with Carlotta on the couch. I avoided a man who seemed much too drunk so early in the evening.

It was hot, and people’s clothes were coming off. I didn’t feel this was a good enough excuse to take off my clothes. After all, we were in the living room.

Jake was talking to an exceptionally beautiful girl (Calico -- seriously, plus she had a perfect body, looking at her made me feel frumpy and fat) I’d met briefly at last month’s party. Jed came, but if he saw me he didn’t react. I didn’t approach him. By now most everyone had disappeared into the bedrooms. I didn’t want to be a third wheel, and I felt strange. I went down the hall, into Jefferson’s room.

Jefferson’s room was dark; it was all just a bunch of shapes: Jefferson in the armchair and Wendy (I heard rather than saw this, Wendy talks, like, nonstop) on her knees at his feet. And Ruby, the crayon-haired girl who was a friend of Wendy’s was flat on her back. I saw Jed arch over her, his lanky body like a graceful crane. And there was Calico, perched on the bed next to Ruby… Ruby squealed happily.

I just watched, and for a moment I felt unbearably strange and awkward: I had no one to play with. Everyone was otherwise engaged.

“Do you want to come into the bathroom with me?”

I turned. The very drunk guy was whispering to me.

“No.” I shook my head.

“Do you want to—”I turned to look at him, “No thank you,” I said. I edged out of the doorway and back down the hall.

The kitchen was empty and I stood there for a moment, feeling very sorry for myself. No one was coming onto me! (I wasn’t interested in the drunk guy, so I guess he didn’t count).

This is embarrassing, not to mention shallow, but I think a big part of why I come to the orgies is so I can be the center of attention. Not all the time. Or for everyone. But for one or two guys who I really fancy, to know that they’re into me, and I can make them gasp or smile or say something like, oh, I don’t know, “You have perfect tits,” – well, that is such a huge turn on for me. But this time I wasn’t the center of attention – I wasn’t the new girl (that was Ruby, who was making the most of it in the other room) – and Mmmark and Jed, both of whom I’m really attracted to, were enjoying other people’s company. Which is the point of an orgy, no doubt. Could I enjoy myself now that my little moment in the sun had passed? I had to get back into the right frame of mind.

“Oh, hey!”

I looked up from my contemplation of the toaster: it was Jed. Wow. His blond hair was curly with humidity, and he just looked like this total hipster: tight jeans, cowboy boots, keys clamped to his waist. I smiled: “Hi.”

“I didn’t know you were here! Did you just get here?”

“No, I’ve been here a while.”

“Oh, I didn’t see you.” I shrugged, I was still feeling sort of withdrawn. “I’m glad I ran into you,” Jed continued, “I don’t know if I was supposed to call you or—”

“You dropped the ball,” I interrupted him. I smiled, to show it wasn’t a big deal, but really it was a big enough deal for me to say that.

Here’s what had happened. We hooked up at the first orgy I went to, and I gave him my email address. He emailed me a few weeks later, said he would be going out of town, and did I want to get together when he got back? I said sure.

That was that.

Then I saw him at the next orgy I went to. I was leaving; it hadn’t been a productive night. Daniel had just broken up with me and I just felt unequal to the occasion. Plus, a girl was coming onto me and I was uncomfortable, despite my much-vaunted New York blasé-ness. So while everyone was watching The Bi Applein states of undress (I’d noticed I was one of the few women at the party sans nipple rings), I’d made my goodbyes and was putting on my shoes in the hall when Jed walked in.

“Hey!” He had exclaimed, “You’re not leaving, are you?”

And then we had almost the exact same conversation that we were having now: e.g. “Was I supposed to call you or were you going to call me?”, only that time I didn’t tell Jed he’d dropped the ball. I’d been a little more cool. Anyway, again we agreed to get together. Eventually Jed had emailed me, and we made tentative plans, to be confirmed the day of. The day after we were supposed to get together, he emailed me. I was torn between Making a Point by not seeing him, and grabbing my chance when I got it. But in the end I met Jim the night before, and was so freaked out by that experience that I hadn’t felt up to getting it on with Jed. So I said I was busy, and could we reschedule. I hadn’t heard back from him.

So I was prepared to blow him off. Jed is 23 and as an older woman, I feel he is young enough to be weaned off of bad habits like neglecting to make plans and expecting women to say yes at the last minute. I felt it was right and proper for him to work for me a bit, especially as he’d shown such a humbling lack of tenacity. I mean, I’m used to guys losing interest in me after we have sex, but a guy who can’t summon the energy to pursue me – well, that’s not very flattering, is it?

On the other hand, maybe I was reading too much into it. Jefferson said he was just flaky. Which I suppose might be a side effect of being 23. I mean, I didn’t think Jed didn’t like me, just that he felt he didn’t have to make an effort. Which was partially true: he didn’t have to make a big effort, as I think I’d indicated to him: I was ready and willing to fuck him. I just didn’t want to chase him to make a date to do it. I thought it would be polite to show a bit more enthusiasm, you know?

“Oh,” Jed looked sheepish. “Sorry.”

He opened a bottle of wine and poured me some. I felt my mood lift with the attention (very shallow), and soon I had defrosted enough to accompany Jed down the hall into the back bedroom.

The far side of the room was crammed with people all on the futon. Jed and I slid onto the narrow single bed near the door. We kissed.

This is how I like my clothes to come off: by a guy removing them. Soon I was down to my skivvies and Jed was naked. We made out and then I slid my mouth around his dick. He moaned. Gazing at him, I slipped his dick between my breasts and rubbed it back and forth. “Oh…” said Jed.

It felt great but I was, again, really distracted by the commotion all around us. “Listen,” I said at last, “I’m a really aural person.” And then, because this was a total non-sequitor, I explained: “I hear everything, and I’m really distracted by what’s going on—” I twitched my head to indicate the other side of the room. “I can’t have sex with you here.”

It’s perfectly true --- I have an aural memory. I remember names and dates but am not so good with faces. I don’t like to listen to music during sex because I find it distracting. Maybe because I hear better than I see? I dunno. Anyway, there was no way I was going to be able to relax enough with everything going on. Which was funny, because in a sense we were perfectly private: everyone else was caught up in something (or someone) else and no one was paying us any mind.

“I get it,” Jed nodded and we slid together on the sheets, laying alongside one another and kissing. Maybe I shouldn’t have sex at orgies? I wondered. Jed slid his arms over my head and pinned my hands to the mattress, smiling at me.

“All this and you’re submissive?” said Jed. “Wow,” he breathed. “You are so fucking hot. I can’t believe we haven’t gotten together yet.”

I gave him a steely smile: “You dropped the ball,” I repeated. Now get your act together so we can have sex, is what I was thinking.

Then, inspired, I asked: “Do you want to come on my tits?” Jed agreed and so I lay crouched beneath him while he rocked his hips towards me and I stroked him until he came.

**

Now that I’d hooked up, I felt much more relaxed. After a while Jed disappeared and I started talking to the others. Mmmark put an arm around me, to my delight. Jacob kissed me. I started to put my clothes back on but could not find my bra anywhere. Giving up, I wandered, mostly dressed, into the living room.

Jed was smoking a cigarette at the door to the terrace, standing next to Wendy. I joined them. Wendy put an arm around me, and I rested an arm around her waist. She is really big, Wendy, with a big square shelf of hips. Her skin was really soft. I don’t know if I’d ever touched a woman’s bare skin like that before. I mean, for more than a quick hug.

Jake was talking to Calico on the sofa, and people were wandering in and out. I can’t quite explain – or recall – how this happened, but then Wendy and I were on the floor, taking turns to suck Jed off.

I wish I could tell this part better, to remember how it started, because it was pretty hot. We were all in full view of a couple of people, and there Wendy and I were, on our knees, trading a nice dick between us. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, too – I wasn’t at all embarrassed. I guess there’s safety in numbers, because I don’t think I would have done this if Wendy hadn’t started it. Well, I know I wouldn’t. Jed looked completely poleaxed, as I think you ought when two nice girls are blowing you at a party.

Then Jake (not my friend Jake, The Other Jake – not to be confused with Jacob, either for that matter) joined us. I knew very little about The Other Jake. He’s a big, muscular guy with a pleasant, easy going face. He’s not really my type – I like scrawnier, more tormented-looking specimens, but he was good looking, certainly. And I moved over to work on him. He had a very nice sized dick, too.

Then Mmmark came over, and I had to go down on him too, and Wendy did as well. And then – and this is the very best part – Mmmark and I both went down on The Other Jake (or was it Jed? I was thinking about dick, not about the person it belonged to). Seeing Mmmark’s cool, laid back face happily straining around an erection was so immensely hot. I had never seen a real live man give another guy a blow job before, and because it was Mmmark who was doing it I was especially turned on. I guess because he is so handsome and laid back? There is nothing aggressively sexual about him. He is just platonically, dreamily hot.

And then I think The Other Jake asked me if I wanted to go into one of the bedrooms.I mean, I assume he did, because we ended up on Jefferson’s Queen size bed, which was surprisingly empty.

We fooled around for a bit, until I noticed that there was someone else in the room. “Cover me up,” I whispered to The Other Jake. He obliged, and his weight, the bulk of him, felt fantastic on my skin. I relaxed, and eventually our mystery observer disappeared.

I went down on The Other Jake, and then he went down on me, but I had a hard time relaxing, in part because I barely knew this boy, but mostly because I was worried someone else would walk in. Apparently my Orgy Brain, which is what I had termed that unself-conscious state I had achieved in the living room, when blowing some guy in concert with a friend in front of a group of people seemed like a reasonable idea – did not extend to this particular interaction. Eventually we made our way back into the living room. The party was thinning out now. I thought I’d be exhausted but I found that instead I was raring to go. Where was Jed? Oh, he’d left.

But there was Mmmark! We settled next to one another on the couch and before too long I had again made my way to Jefferson’s bedroom with a boy. But I decided that I wasn’t going to have sex with Mmmark at the orgy – I would be too distracted.

We lay on Jefferson’s bed, cuddling and talking. After all the earlier excitement, this just felt nice and comfortable. Not to mention a turn on, because it was Hot!Mmmark. We were whispering when I noticed something strange:

“Is someone smoking in here?”

“Uh, yeah,” said a voice from one of the armchairs. I hadn’t even known we were being observed. I think it was the same drunk guy who’d asked me if I’d wanted to repair to the bathroom! The guy who’d walked in on me and The Other Jake (he must have been tired of seeing me by now).

“There’s no smoking in here,” said Mmmark politely from the bed.

“I want him to leave,” I whispered.

I felt really mean for saying that, like some bitchy teenager. But Mmmark and I had been getting intimate as opposed to just sexual, and I felt exposed and resentful of this intrusion. So Mmmark very politely and firmly asked the guy to leave, but I thought that might be the end of me and Mmmark for the evening, especially as we were soon joined by Avah, Jefferson, Wendy, Cody and some others. All of whom tumbled onto the bed.

Wendy piped up. “Hey Lily, have you seen Dan?” Wendy is Daniel’s roommate.

“I’m seeing him tomorrow night,” I said, staring at the ceiling. “I’m kind of mad at him.” It’s weird: ever since our break up, I’d been fighting this deep, abiding irritation with Daniel. My thoughts were along these lines: how dare we dump me?! Does he think I’m not good enough for him?! Et cetera. Every time I thought about him my brain would end up snarling. No matter how right he had been to end things, my pride had suffered a heavy blow. Whenever we talked or emailed or got together it was fine. It was just when I thought about him that I wanted to do him some serious damage. These feelings shamed me.

I scowled: “He dumped me for a bisexual virgin. I can’t compete with that.” Indeed. Daniel’s new girlfriend had the whole Madonna-whore thing covered, what with her sexual identity and fetching lack of experience.

“Think how upset he would be if we hooked up,” Wendy suggested. Moving closer to me.

She had a point. But as I am neither bisexual nor totally shameless in pursuit of revenge, I just sighed: “I don’t think so.”

Wendy rested her head on my stomach. “Just checking.”

I lay sandwiched between Mmmark and someone else I couldn’t see. Cody was brooding about The Other Jake. On whom she had a big crush.

“I saw you go into the bedroom with him,” she said to me, and I immediately felt bad. I remembered what it felt like, to see the guy you like disappear into a room with another girl. Cody is so young, and she just looks so fragile, with her dyed black hair and love of Hanson. Hanson! “I mean, it’s OK,” she added quickly.

I felt kind of protective and sad for her. “Well, if it’s any consolation,” I offered, “He’s not really my type.”

Then I felt a mouth on my belly: Wendy! She was kissing my belly! “Wendy!”

“Sorry, sorry,” she said. “I just had to try. You know I had to try, right Lily?”

**Were Mmmark and I going to have sex? It was so late; my brain couldn’t come up with a good reason not to fuck him. So we went into the back bedroom.

I stumbled in the dark, looking for my still-missing bra: no dice. My search uncovered some unexpected things… what was that on the bedside table? Ah. A dildo. Hastily I moved away.

Mmmark and I made our way over to the futon so lately occupied by the noisy crowd. It wasn’t too damp, thank God, that would have been a little distracting. Not to mention kind of gross and unsanitary…

Mmmark slid on top of me and we smiled at one another. Oh, he is so lovely, his skin and bones and muscles and … my skin hummed as we kissed, and I revised my policy: no sex for the first time at an orgy.

Mmmark went down on me for a bit and I thrashed around on the bed wondering if this bed belonged to Lillie and Collie or Jason and Collie, and if Jefferson minded that his kids’ beds were used for such non-kid friendly purposes… presumably not.

With a sigh Mmmark entered me and I relaxed into him as he thrust away. I wanted it to last a while, but I he was so sweaty and fast, I knew this would be quick.

As it was. After he came we lay there for a moment before pulling our clothes back on (I still hadn’t found my bra) and ambling back to the living room. It was nearly 4:00 am and I’d had a very busy evening. I sat curled up on an armchair in a post sex daze while Mmmark kissed every one of us politely on the mouth, then slipped out the door.

Jefferson had long since gone to bed, I assumed. It was just Jake (my friend Jake, not The Other Jake), and me, and a few more stragglers. It felt like the tail end of any other party. I started making noises that we should go – I had to be at work in about four hours.

Finally Jake and I said our goodbyes and, running on adrenaline, got back to his apartment without incident. I washed my face, took off all my clothes, and climbed between Jake’s sheets. I drifted off to the sound of Jake tapping away at his laptop.

**I woke up on time and felt raw with the lack of sleep, but lively for all that. I showered, dressed and applied makeup in a desperate effort to make myself look a bit less ravaged.

As I picked up my bag and slung on my coat Jake shifted on the mattress and smiled at me from the bed. “Happy birthday,” he said.