Notes from the Best Book of 2012: “Daring Greatly” by @brenebrown

This is the title of the book which blew my socks off last September. It precisely sums up what I was up to in the last 6 months. I was and am daring greatly. (I will share with you more stories in this blog once I digest them, understand them and talk about them with those I love).

Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.

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Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences.

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When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity and innovation.

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I’ve found that what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous. engaged adults.

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What we know matters but what we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable.

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I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.

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The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness.

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If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.

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Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?

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Empathy can be conveyed without speaking a word – it just takes looking into someone’s eyes and seeing yourself reflected back in an engaged way.

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When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.

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Sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people whom we’ve developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story.

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Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain – there is no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy – making.

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I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and my fear could never catch up. I looked brave on the outside and felt scared on the inside.

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Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support.

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Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

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When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.

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If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame cannot survive.

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Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept – it happens between people – it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is a key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect and experience empathy.

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Our fight or flight strategies are effective for survival, not for reasoning or connection.

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When we bury the story we forever stay the subject of the story. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending.

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Empathy is connection, it’s a ladder out of the shame hole.

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Your are only sick as your secrets.

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The act not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging that the actual event.

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Men live under one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.

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If we’re willing to dare greatly and risk vulnerability with each other, worthiness has the power to set us free.

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Practicing self-love over the past couple of years, I can say that it has immeasurably deepened my relationships with the people I love.

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Once you are Real, you cannot be ugly to other people, except those who don’t understand.

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Joy comes to us in moments – ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.

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Every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen – and they do happen – we are stronger.

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There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.

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People who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.

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Reducing anxiety meant paying attention to how much they could do and how much was too much, and learning how to say: enough.

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Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment.

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Owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledgments that we are sacred.

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None of us is ever able to part with our survival strategies without significant support and the cultivation of replacement strategies.

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You can’t use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship (“I’ll share this and see if you stick around”), or to fast-forward a relationship – it just won’t cooperate.

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It’s rare that we are able to stay attuned when someone’s oversharing has stretched us past our connectivity with them.

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I don’t tell stories or share vulnerabilities with the public until I’ve worked through them with the people I love.

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Don’t try to win over the haters, you are not a jackass whisperer.

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In an uncertain world, we often feel desperate for absolutes. It’s the human response to fear.

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We cannot give people what we do not have.

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Blame is simply discharging of pain and discomfort.

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When I feel self-righteous, it means I am afraid.

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Brain processes social rejection or shame exact way it processes physical pain.

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Hope is a function of struggle. If we want our children to develop high levels of hopefulness, we have to let them struggle. If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.

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Traveler there is no path, the path must be forged as you walk.

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SCG-ers,

which quote did ‘hit’ you the most? What was your favorite book of the last year? Did you dare greatly lately? How?

Comments

I’ve been watching Dr Brown’s video, and I’ve had her books in my cart for a while now… I think it’s time I actually got myself at least one of them. The last post on my blog is kind of a way of navigating through some of the ideologies she presents in regards to failure and such.

Trackbacks

[…] Those of you who really know me, know that I am a person who talks only about things done. (and takes time reflect on failures and disappointments). So, allow me to surprise you with totally new endeavours, which are on the way. It might not be video blogs or NGLS events (at least not for a while), but I can assure you that I will carry on to dare greatly. […]