1 in 10 hospitals doing ‘just fine’

Jeremy Hunt was celebrating new data that suggests that as many as 15 out of 152 hospital trusts are meeting minimum over-crowding targets. This staggering success matches other key reductions in smiling nurses, optimistic prognoses and smarmy references to Nye Bevan.

A Department spokeswoman said: ‘Those who suggest that we are underfunding 90% of our hospitals don’t appreciate that 10% are awash with adequate resources. And let me remind you, one is substantially better than zero. According to my calculator it’s almost a 100% more. This cup is not half empty; in fact it’s half full with patient’s urine. And thanks to Archimedes’ law of displacement, its topped up to the brim with Mr. Hunt’s stool sample’.

Winter has been blamed for the spike in demand, although the Health Secretary has guaranteed that 3 out of every 4 seasons will not be winter. Furthermore, with over 85% of NHS beds are occupied, that means that less than 15% of beds need warming up.

Explained the spokeswoman: ‘It’s all about positive spin – yes, more people are dying, but that means less spent on hospital meals. Sitting on a trolley for 13 hours, is saving the NHS on floor polish and unnecessary corridor space. After all Jeremy Hunt has been working at 10% capacity for years and nobody wants 100% from him’.

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