From Dreaming To Living

Day 29: Test-anxiety – The Calm Before The Storm (Part 16)

Because I’ve now walked this character for some time – I’ve begun to experience a sense of ease, and peace within me in relation to studying for my test – I do not anymore experience it as this life, and death-situation – and when I am studying – I am simply sitting there studying.

Though, there are some lingering thoughts left within me that disturb me – and that I notice are coming from fear, and anxiety. One of these thoughts is a fantasy, a projection of me doing the test – me sitting in the examination-hall – looking down at my papers – trying to remember all the information that I’ve been studying so feverishly – sitting there being nervous as to what question is going to come – and within that projection – I can see how I am thinking about whether I’ve forgotten something – what if I’ve studied the wrong things? What if I’ve made a crucial mistake and I am going to regret myself – and I am going to walk out of this hall and feel like shit?

What I’ve understood is that the grades on my test DO NOT DEFINE ME – but I’ve not fully lived this understanding in flesh – because – I still do believe that the grades I will receive on this test will define who I am – will define my very future – will be the very point that is going to either have me make it, or break it – fascinating – because in looking at my life up to this point – I am able to see how insignificant the results on the tests that I’ve taken have been in actually influencing my ability to stand, live, and walk in this system – what has been important has instead been my dedication to the particular subject – and me actually learning, comprehending, and understanding information in school – because that is something that I’ve been able to take with me – and use later in my life; though obviously – the grades have had some influence – as to what university courses I’ve been able to apply to – so – it’s not to say that they are meaningless – but obviously – they are not everything of the education – only a part.

Thus here it is to understand that – even though I do not receive the best grade – it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed my entire education – it only means that I’ve failed with one objective that I set for myself as to what type of results I want to have in walking this education – and thus – it’s important to not make it TO BIG – but to see it for what it is – and then look at SOLUTIONS.

I mean – it’s fascinating – when I go into fear, anxiety, nervous, and worry – that’s everything that exists to me – nothing else exists but this fear, anxiety, nervousness, and worry – and thus I completely forget that I am able to implement and live solutions – to in such a way make sure that I do receive the grade that I want to have – so – I can see that this process is a “double process” so to speak – meaning – I must walk the INNER change – meaning – let go of fear, and self-definitions in relation to achieving in school – and then walk a OUTER process – as in-fact establishing solutions so that I am able to get the grades that I want to have – because I see that it can be useful for me in terms of opening up opportunities in the system in the future.

The key is to – let go of the bullshit – and then focus on facing, correcting, and walking through real physical reality – which involve finding, and implementing solutions – it shouldn’t be that difficult!

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that fear, anxiety, and nervousness is a solution to my problems – and that when I go into and enter this form of experience – everything will be okay – because apparently I am dealing with my reality, and I am sorting out points in my world when I go into stress, fear, anxiety, and nervousness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is NOT TRUE – and that when I go into a experience – I mean – I am simply going into an experience – and there is nothing within which change the situation that I am facing – it’s simply me postponing actually dealing with the real – physical – and actual problems that I am facing in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the mind is really one big excuse – it’s one big justification to not have to deal with real – physical – reality – it’s function is to make me feel certain particular experiences – and within that go into, and loose myself in this experience – and think that I am now “dealing with reality” because I am in this “though experience” – while really I am just lost in my mind fighting demons that aren’t real – and then letting my reality go to shit – because I am not bringing myself back here – and developing – walking – a PHYSICAL PRACTICAL SOLUTION

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is also reflected in the functioning of the world system – wherein there are countless of activists, and revolutionaries trying to change the system – and they protest – become angry – and feel like they are treated badly – and they rebel – and they feel superior and good about themselves – and the win, and they loose – and they are in this orgy of experience – but NO ONE is breathing here – looking at the practical physical situation – and then in breath – in the simplicity of self-movement – simply doing that which is needed in order to correct the point – and bring the point to a conclusion – as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there are specific tools of support available in my world for me to become more effective in my reading skills – and thus in me integrating the information in the courses that I am walking – – and that thus – there are actual SOLUTIONS available here – all I have to do is to get out of this completely unnecessary experience of fear – and go into a solution immediately – and simply stop fear – because it doesn’t get me anywhere what so ever!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that the more I think about my test – and the more I fear my test – the better it will go for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some type of ritualistic belief within me – like a voodoo doll – wherein my thoughts of fear are these sacrifices that I make to the “test-god” that he will treat me benevolently and have me score a good mark – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that FEAR doesn’t help me – I mean I’ve proved this to myself countless of times – fear makes me ineffective – fear makes me stress, and not read information properly – fear makes me stupid – fear makes me not able to think, and consider the information that is here in a open-minded – and relaxed state of being – I meaning – I know this because I’ve done tests in fear before in my life time – and I’ve always managed to exceed when I’ve been relaxed, and comfortable – and not stressed as to the outcome of the test

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the desire for my life to be a life of excellence – and instead focus, and give my life to creating a world that is best for all – thus within this – giving up self-interest – and within this giving up fear – as fear can only exist where self-interest exist – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to study – and do my test – and aim for a good mark – from within and as the starting point of placing myself in a position in this world where I am able to have influence – and make a difference – as walking for all – and not for my own self-interest as fear – but instead walking – and making studies to be about everyone, and everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I hold no personal value to points in my world – I do not fear loosing the points – thus fear is a product of me placing value separate from me – thinking that I require certain external points in my world in order to keep me stable – and keep my sane – and keep me going – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to breath – and to let go of this value that I’ve separated from myself – and instead see, realize, and understand – that the only value that exist – is the value of this moment here – as me living life as what is best for all – thus value being equal to life – as living by a principle that will bring forth true excellence on a global and existential level

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am holding unto fear, anxiety, and nervousness, thinking that these experiences are helping me – that they are making me more safe, and that me having these experiences imply that I am taking care of my world – and reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in essence – everything that is of the mind – as a mental projection have no value in this physical world – some points do – that are aligned with the physical and that can be directly applied into and as this physical world with direct results – for example mathematics – but FEAR – that is of NO USE – and is simply holding me back from implementing a solution – and living that which I see will actually on a physical level be able to change the situation that I am; as such I commit myself to stop relying on the mind – and fear – for anything – and I instead commit myself to really only upon physical feedback as actual results that I am able to measure – that is trustworthy – nothing else is

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, as experiences – as feelings – as fear of doing my exams – as fear that I am going to fail – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear is useless – meaning that – fear doesn’t help me to do better on my tests – is only a experience – a sort of masochistic entertainment – wherein I go into my mind and think that I am “working with reality” – when really I am just in my mind – and not doing anything what-so-ever in my reality – simply because I am not in reality – as I am in my mind; as such I commit myself to be IN REALITY at all times – and to realize that when I am in fear – I am not in reality – thus not walking HERE and developing solutions – but pacifying myself in the drugs of the mind as emotions, and feelings

When and as I see that I am going into a experience – into fear – into nervousness – into disbelief – instead of developing a solution – locating the problem – defining the problem – clarifying a course of action that I am able to take in order to remove the problem – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that only physical – self-willed – self-movement is valid – and only within walking such a point will I be able to produce real – and actual results for myself – to do have an effect in my life – in the life’s of others

When and as I see that I am going into fear – which is a form of ignorance – as not being clear as to what I am facing – and exactly how to deal with, and walk through what I am facing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that I will only have results when I stick to the facts of what is here – when I work with facts – as reality – that is when real results will come to fruition; as such I commit myself to work with what is real – with what I KNOW – because that is certain – and that is not a fluffy experience – but something that I am able to cross-reference – and be completely certain about

When, and as I see that I am feeling safe, and secure because I experience fear towards a particular point – and within this thinking that me having this fear means that I will be really motivated, and ambitious, and take good care of this opportunity – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear have never protected anyone – I mean – look at those going to war – soldiers – all of them possessed with fear – yet still how many is coming back from the war? Not many – only a few survive regardless of whether they experienced fear or not – and as such I commit myself to not fear – but to stick with facts – with what I know is proof – real – and valid – because that will bring me actual results

When and as I see that I am looking at my life as “my life” – as a separate island from all other human beings – and that I within that go into desires, and fears – as what I desire my life to become, and what I fear that my life could become – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that real peace – and real comfortableness with myself – can only be achieved when I let go of myself – as my self-interest – and my desire to lead and have a special life – and instead give up my one life to live for everyone – to live for all – as that implies giving up my inner reality of madness to instead focus upon that which is value to everyone; as such I commit myself to give up this one life – and dedicate this one life to the creation of a solution that is best for all in everyway – as such let go of self-interest – and let go of fear – and instead live for all

When and as I see that I am going into fear – as I fear loosing points in my world, because I’ve placed a personal value unto these points in my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – when I let go of placing value outside of myself – I will become untouchable – because not anymore will me stability, and foundation be based upon points that change – that are changeable in their very nature – but instead my stand will be HERE as breath – solid – because breath is ALWAYS here – the same – yesterday, today, and tomorrow – and such I commit myself to let go of personal value – and instead stand as breath in every moment – and be re-born in each in-breath – and let go – and die – in out-breath