In one of Gary Larsen’s most memorable “Far Side” cartoons, a man scolds his dog: “Okay Ginger, I’ve had it! Stay out of the garbage! Understand, Ginger? Stay out of the garbage!” In the next frame the dog’s understanding reads, “Blah blah blah Ginger, blah blah blah blah blah blah! Ginger blah blah!”

In relationships, I am Ginger.

I feel like my relationships have been trying to tell me something and I only hear blah, blah, blah, blah.

I suck at relationships!

Over the years, I’ve asked myself:

Why do I find myself over and over in the same situation?

Why do I always attract losers … Fill the blanks …?

I never realized when I met him, he was crazy… Fill the blanks …?

He does not understand me!

He is the one! I’ll finally be happy now!

Sounds familiar?

With Saturn in Libra until October 2012, we all have plenty of opportunities this year to visit, revisit, scrutinize, understand, dissect and do a general spring-cleaning of our relationships.

Thank god! Oh no!

While I can’t say I greet this spring-cleaning opportunity with joy in my heart – more like trepidation — I am using this transit to gain clarity, create change, and bring a little peace to my heart. Before I go more into my story, and perhaps yours too, let’s dive into a bit more about this transit.

In astrology, Saturn exerts the most influence and power in Libra. In Liz Greene book, Saturn A New look at an Old Devil, Saturn is regarded as the planet of pain, delays, disappointment, depression, fears, restriction and discipline.

(Do you hear the scolding and finger wagging in your face? I do!)

Saturn makes us work for our wisdom: Through hard work, frustration (you work to improve your relationships with no immediate results), delays (you see the reward on the horizon but it is slightly out of reach), set-backs (you got the reward and you go right back to the unhealthy pattern and self-denial (you have to do the work before you get the rewards). In the end, our reward is wisdom, self-discipline, and a clearer understanding of what it is that we seek in a relationship.

The last time Saturn was in Libra in the 1980s, I didn’t even hear the scolding. I had my nose in the garbage. I wanted a relationship because everyone else around me had one. Why not me? I was in college, and having a boyfriend was supposedly part of the campus experience. I picked a foreign exchange student, one that was guaranteed to be inaccessible. Mostly for two reasons: one, he was not interested in me, and secondly, at the end of the year, he would go back to his country and break up with me. I would then be able to spin the wheels of the patterns I wrote about at the start of this article.

And that’s what happened and kept happening over and over during the next decades (I am a slow learner). Within minutes of meeting a man, I was convinced I had met my true love. At the second date, I was already planning the wedding, especially if, after reading Linda Goodman’s Love Signs, I discovered we were compatible. By the third date, I had our entire life mapped out with the 2.5 kids, the cat and white picket fence.

Now 30 years later, after having gone through this scenario multiple times, I get a chance to listen to the man in the cartoon, understand him, and have a more serious look at the health of my relationships. The blah, blah, blah is turning into words I can actually understand.

What have I learned from my first Saturn in Libra transit when I was 18 to this one? I will tell you.

In a relationship it’s never about the other person. It’s actually about you, more precisely, it’s about your share of personal responsibility in the relationship and how strong your boundaries (a very saturnine word) are.

One of the reasons I kept repeating those unhealthy patterns in my relationships was because I lacked boundaries. You know, that line that divides my business from his business, my emotions and needs from his. I confused my reality with his and his with mine, what he was responsible for (everything), what I was responsible for (pointing out what was wrong.)

Specifically, I was more interested in venting what I did not like about him, what he did to me, what he was supposed to do than in learning what I valued, what I cherished, what I admired and what I wanted. My goal was more in pleasing my partner than asserting myself and meeting my needs and goals. I was always crossing the boundary lines by putting aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what my partner wanted. I valued his opinions and feelings more than my own. I needed to be “needed” in order to have a relationship.

This caring and giving left me depleted, angry, resentful, and generally unhappy with my relationships. I blamed my partner for my unhappiness, feelings of isolation, rejection, and disappointment. After all, I was behaving the way I thought society and my own family upbringing expected of me. I was doing nothing wrong, I thought.

That’s not how I see it now.

I am becoming more and more aware of the inner tension, huge differences existing between my inner needs and the learned ideal of what a mate should be. This is the first lesson. There are other lessons that Saturn in Libra is teaching me.

It’s not my job to take care of my partner. I sincerely believed it was. That’s how I was raised. The unwritten contract was that “I take care of you and you return the favor by taking care of me.”

Guess what? It doesn’t happen that way. And if it does, you end up in an unhealthy relationship. Saturn is showing me the flaws in that type of arrangement – the ways I manipulated others with guilt so that they would take care of me. Believe me, it is a very hard conditioning to break “because good people are selfless and I want to be a good person,” I tell myself.

I’m using a lot of my energy right now being conscious of this pattern and choosing to modify this habit. But I am learning. CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meetings has been a useful tool in moments of crisis.

I have the right to say, “NO!”

In a simple, direct straightforward manner. I no longer need to resort to:

“No, but,” — “I don’t want to do this but I will do it anyway to please you…Fill the blanks.”

“Maybe,” — “What I am really saying is no, but I am not saying directly in order to avoid offending, hurting, disappointing you…Fill the blanks”

“Yes,” – “Agreeing to something but I will make you pay later on because I am resentful that I agreed to something I do not want to do.

What a concept! The word no was not in my vocabulary. The first time I said no to a request from a person I loved I got so anxious and guilty. I was waiting for the sky to fall. Yes, we did argue but nothing bad happened. Amazing lesson for me.

I need to take care of myself. I did not know about self-care. I knew about survival strategies, controlling explosive situations and taking care of others. Nothing about creating the life I wanted. My motto now is “Do not make others a priority if you are an option for them”.

What lessons can you learn with Saturn in Libra? Let’s take this time until October 2012 to develop the functional and healthy relationships we really want.

Note: This article is featured in Saturn in Libra and Relationships, published on Sasstrology as part of the 2010 International Astrology Day Blogathon. The purpose of this web-based event is to create a permanent library of articles about how to deal with the stresses of the Cardinal T-Square of Pluto, Saturn and Uranus. The main page for the Blogathon collections is at The Cardinal T-Square of 2010: Saturn, Uranus, Pluto.

24 Responses to Saturn in Libra: 3 Tips for Healthy Relationships

aaah, heavenly refreshing!! At one point I decided to partner-up with Saturn. Especially after reading Liz Greene’s New Look at the old Devil. I’m excited about the lessons to learn during this transit Great article!

Thanks Stephanie. You really kind of have to embrace a Saturn transit because no matter what it will bear hug you! This article was part of the series of article for the First International Astrology day Blog Carnival.
In celebration of International Astrology Day, there will be a blog-a-thon from March 19 to March 21 on the subject of Saturn in Libra, the upcoming Cardinal T-Square, Uranus in Aries and Pluto in Capricorn. It will be hosted at http://skywriter.wordpress.com/2010/01/12/announcement-the-1st-international-astrology-day-blog-carnival/
Check it out! It think it will be a great event!
Fabienne

Thank you I did too. Nothing like a long term view to help put things in their proper context and not get so emotionally overwrought. A lot more articles to come in celebration of Spring Equinox and International Astrology Day. http://tinyurl.com/t-sq-2010

You are most welcome. This article also helped me put things in perspective. A lot more articles on Saturn in Libra and relationships will be found at Sasstrology.com starting March 20. It’s part of the First International Astrology Day Blog Carnival organized by Donna Cunningham, CJ Wright and Mandi Lockley on the Cardinal T-Square, the problems caused by Pluto in Capricorn and the ingress of Uranus in Aries. Stay tune! http://tinyurl.com/t-sq-2010

Yes, been there, done that. Me 80′s didn’t listen to myself and here I am not yet out of the woods. Comforting to hear someone who has shared some ‘her-tory’ since last time around. (I guess we’re both of a certain vintage!)
Grateful to you for this and if it helps one young person to trust themself, hurrah!
(I wonder how you feel about self-forgiveness – I can’t quite seem to shake regrets about how could I have been so stupid and similar negative thots. )
Thanx and keep up the good worx.

Yes, been there, done that. Me 80′s didn’t listen to myself and here I am not yet out of the woods. Comforting to hear someone who has shared some ‘her-story’ since last time around. (I guess we’re both of a certain vintage!)
Grateful to you for this and if it helps one young person to trust themself, hurrah!
(I wonder how you feel about self-forgiveness – I can’t quite seem to shake regrets about how could I have been so stupid and similar negative thots. )
Thanx and keep up the good worx.

I hear you! I do on bad days rant and rave about “what if” my life had been different. But personally I learned that when I am in this mood I generally feel angry about something and haven’t expressed it. Once I acknowledge what it is, the anger tends to go away and so does the feelings of regret. However I try to concentrate on taking care of myself the best I can. Thanks for kinds words and I am glad my article helped.

Fantastic article Fabienne, really, really good. Rang so many bells with me! I’m Saturn in Pisces, like someone else who commened – setting boundaries is an issue, esp. as I’m a Cap Sun (with tr. Pluto conj it and tr. Sat sq it currently). “I have the right to say, “NO!” and “I need to take care of myself” are good mantras for my current situation!
Thank you

Thank you so much for stopping by amidst the activities of the Bog-a-thon. I am glad the article helped. It did for me too. Being able to state clearly those tips helped me anchor them more clearly in my day-to day life.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. This blog is a lot of fun to write, especially the sharing with the readers.
To answer your question, this blog and my presence in Facebook are the only places where you can find my articles. I do not have a website per se, just the blog Astrology Unboxed. Maybe one day, I will have a full website.
Thank you again for your support.
Fabienne

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. It takes time to learn how to say NO, but it is doable. Keep on eyes on the ultimate goal (being able to say No and not feel weird) and take baby steps. It’s part of learning to take care of ourselves.

This is my Saturn in Libra lesson for sure. Saying “no” as well as “so what!”
My own needs and desires have always been filtered through what I could do to ensure that someone would stay. But, as you said, it always turned into a big pile of resentment.

On the other side of saying no is this fear of isolation and abandonment…definitely Saturn fears for sure.

But I’m feeling more and more liberated. I haven’t quite gotten past the “No, but…” part. Working it for sure.

Thanks for stopping by. I now how hard it is to go from No, but to simply No. The first couple of times can be really difficult, the anxiety can be crippling. But when nothing bad happened, I realized I could do this. With the entry of Uranus in Aries and when it opposes your Saturn it might become easier. BTW, loved your Mirror…Mirror post. Good perspective on the projection energy of the 7th house. I am always thinking of what I am projecting on a person to whom I have an intense dislike for. What hidden part of me is that person showing me.

Actually, my Saturn is in Scorpio (conjunct Mars)in the 10th.
I have Pluto transiting My 5 Aries moon (7th house ruler) as well as my 3 Capricorn Ascendant/Jupiter Conjunction. I am learning the lesson of letting go of the need to be in control. When Uranus conjuncts my Moon later next year, I’m gonna be in for it…as if I haven’t already gotten my but kicked 3 times over by Pluto

My Cappy planets/point (all 5 of em) feel so responsible for everyone and everything. So in the midst of my “No”, I am learning to follow up with an internal “So What?” If I don’t do it or take care of them … So what? It is not the end of the world. It is liberating and a work in progress as well…

I am waiting too for Uranus to enter Aries. It was a very liberating experience when it was wobbling around my Ascendant. However I will have to wait a couple of years. But let me know how it goes. I am very curious.
I can totally relate to let go. So much so I have written a post about Saturn and being able to let go.

Fabienne,
Thanks for the great articles on your blog. Really insightful. Have looked at this Saturn in Libra one, which I really resonate with. Along with your other bloggers, I too having trouble saying No, not wanting to hurt, since my Mars (and Mercury) is in Libra. I also related to your Saturn in Libra opp. Aries piece because, while I have no planets in Aries, Saturn has been conjuncting my my natal Mars. Restrictions, frustrations, feeling hopeless in the relationship dept., you name it, it applies to me. Somehow I have recently gotten myself into a very intense, karmic love relationship that has all kinds of flaws on the human level but deep connections on the soul level (I have Venus square Neptune so I have done this before with my husband — our marriage ended after 18 years). As ‘humans’ I think we’re mismatched and not doing this very well at all! Your articles help me see that. Still, it’s so hard to pull out (not to Cling, as you said in your article) when I see the flaws, because being in relationship awakens my ‘need’ and then it’s like a drug fix. I wonder why I had to have this lesson again, of falling in deeply for someone not my match on the human/personality plane, but a mate on both the spiritual and sexual levels. I thought I had learned this so well with my husband, but here I’ve gone and done it again! Saturn is a HARD teacher!

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, indeed Saturn in Libra is teaching us all some really hard lessons as far as relationships are concerned. I can totally relate to having intense karmic relationships where the “humans” as you put are mismatched. That’s how I felt in my last relationships. What I got out of it was a good understanding of my blind spots in relationships and what is necessary to make them work. Good Saturn lessons! I am going back to these lessons and writing about it, so stay tune for more insights.

Fabienne gave me an insightful and learned astrology reading that I still reference today month’s later. Her down-to-earth communication style and her deep understanding of both astrology and life changes served to give me a sense of safety and confidence. Thanks Fabienne!” Beth B., Author and Book Consultant

“Fabienne coach approach to astrology leaves me with useful direction and positive ways to behave, which have served me well. She’s thorough, clear, and sends you a CD in the mail the next day!” Helen S., Business Owner