My Husband Is Not My Soulmate, but Could He Be?

After 29 years of marriage, could I learn to trust my husband more?

My husband is not my soul mate. I knew this from the moment I first saw him, thirty years ago. I was lounging in the student union at the University of Wisconsin, smoking a hot-pink Sherman cigarette, probably wearing something black, definitely scoping out guys while pretending to study. This skinny dude with a tangle of shoulder-length hair walked in and waved to my friend. I glanced up. Not my type. But as he approached our table and gave me a shy smile, his blue eyes seemed to catch all of the light in the dark, smoky room. “Hey,” he said, “I’m Eric.”

Source: Jennifer Haupt

“Hey.” I aimed a smoke ring toward the ceiling, a little terrified of a needling premonition that I would marry this guy with his hands shoved into the pockets of his baggy Levis. Really? He’s the one?

Throughout high school, I had longed not just for a boyfriend but for a soul mate. Someone who would want me: size fourteen bellbottoms, blazing acne and all. Someone who would get me, see that I walked down the halls and stared straight ahead, not because I was stuck-up but because I was scared. What if the depression that I fought so hard to disguise as cool disinterest was visible in my eyes? I desperately wanted my mythical boyfriend to have X-ray vision and see into my soul—and love me anyway. It was, of course, too much to ask of any mere mortal. I can count the first dates I had before college on three fingers, the second dates on my fist. I used that fist regularly to beat myself up; I was unworthy of love.

By college, my hormones settled down and I discovered Lean Cuisine. I discovered that prozac and pot could induce something like happiness for hours at a time. I discovered that lust could pass for love for a few weeks or even months. I also found my identity: I became a writer. My gig as a music critic for the student newspaper came with free concert tickets, which boosted my dating cred. (Now, I was the one asking guys out!) Just as important, I learned to enjoy being alone, getting lost in reading or writing short stories for hours. I no longer needed a man to feel complete. And yet, I instinctually knew I was safe with the skinny guy whose eyes caught all of the light in the room and reflected it softly back onto me.

I used to love recounting the details of how my husband and I met. How I looked up to the ceiling in disbelief. How I knew he was “the one,” but wasn’t attracted to him in that gotta-have way that I had always imagined would ignite the dark places within me like a fireworks display. I must have told that story dozens of times. I thought it was funny. Our friends always laughed.

One night after a dinner party, Eric said quietly over a sink full of soapy dishes, “I hate that story. Please don’t tell it again.” That was seven years ago, 22 years into our marriage.

“How could you let me tell it, over and over?” I asked.

He looked at me, eyes flat. “How could you not know it was humiliating?”

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I thought I was making fun of myself.”

Eric and I have been married for nearly 30 years, and I still cling to that story like a safety valve—and I am the one who is not ashamed but sad. I don’t tell this story aloud anymore. The last thing I want to do is hurt this man who has loved me through many unlovable moments. But I do tell it to myself, again and again, as we grow older. After all, if someone can complete you—if they are truly your soul mate—then they can also take a crucial piece of your heart when they leave.

And, this nagging question remains: Could my husband be my soul mate? Could I summon the courage to ask him?

This is goona be a long one.
Married almost 11 years. 38 y/o Backing up, a little about me. I grew up in a house with love and turmoil. Parents always fighting, father with aggressive angry personally, with a huge loving heart underneath. Bad events followed by hugs and kisses. Learned bad habits there. They are still married...
Angry kid and teenager, smart but never could get the homework done. No friends, or very few, not god in groups, bragger, low self-esteem, aggressive, etc. Obviously now, ADHD. Ok good - 1 down. Anger = depression turned outward. Ok good - 2 down.
Self-medication with marijuana since 22 y/o after baseball career was over in freshman year of college. Hooked, 10+ years and not realizing that there is an addition there until 5-14-2017.
4-1-16 after many years of a wife feeling trapped in a marriage that was emotionally abusive, thinking she is doing her husband a favor, asked says she think they should divorce and that he must feel that it right because it is clear he is unhappy and does not love her (2 boys now 5 & 9 in the picture). Me-husband, devastated, loves his wife more than anything in the world, finally responds with sadness rather than anger when after so many years never showing any empathy, when his wife begged him not to....spend money they didn't have, get marriage counseling, get help. Lost a job 5 years prior and fell off the deep end into a now obvious state of depression.
Out of desperation to save the marriage, begged for a chance to get help, and promised to change if the help would work. Lots of crying, walking around in a park on the phone with his wife, begging more and more, pleading for a chance to change, not really knowing if he could, what's wrong, but wanting to do it for her.
4-2-16, physiatrist, "Dr. I just angry all the time, when I should be showing empathy I just get angry, when my wife shows me loves, I just respond with crap. I have hurt her and I don't know what to do. Something is not right........Figured out a line of depression was in the family, grandmother who stayed in bed for days, neglected her children, angry father, etc. Dr. prescribed Mirtazapine, coming later to find its a no joke anti-depressant, and Adderall for the ADHD. Hereditary Borderline Personality Disorder Cluster B (the "dramatic, emotional, erratic" cluster) or some mixed form of that. In any event this was dealt with and has been life changing. Combined with the ADHA meds, I don't have issues with these problems any longer. And the wife agrees that I am a changed man. She no longer feels trapped or abused emotionally and that was huge.
After treatment began, a few months later I really, looking back, made a poor choice, and thought I could, like so many friends etc. from time to time, say out on the golf course, or when feeling really stressed, enjoy the occasional use of marijuana. Had been using as self-medication for over since 22 y/o. Thought to myself, my issue was the anger and depression, (now understanding the real diagnosis) and I could use it from time to time. Hey, guys don't tell their wives when the go to the strip club with their buddies, "just got a drink with boys honey" - no harm to foul. Before long I was back to using every day, and no being there for her as a partner, and cranky in the mornings, hard to get out of bed, staying up late, hiding in the garage using it etc. But at least the abusive anger was gone. Thought and feels of why can't I stop this, I guess I need it to help me feel relaxed because life is so hard, fixing this marriage is so hard, if I can just fix me all our problems from the past will go away. Now knowing you can't fix a marriage with personal therapy and treatment alone.
In May she caught me again, begged pleaded, got another chance, was good for a while again, and slipped back, trying to control it, but before long using everyday AGAIN. Now 5-10-17, caught me again, found it in the garage, I left it out and forgot to hide it, cry for help maybe? Made a really commitment that if it means my marriage or my use, I want my marriage. Threw it all away, clean out the paraphernalia, removed all temptation. Ok good, but did it for her and my family. Went to my parents for a gradation, everyone was pretending and putting on a happy face, and once I realized my parents had found out from her, because she could not hold it in, I lost it. Mini-intervention, but really just ridicule form my parents, "why can’t you do this, what's wrong with you, do you want to lose your family, get a grip, you need help". Is there help? I mean no one ever sucked D$%k in the park for weed, you can't be addicted, it's just weed. Google search: marijuana treatment program, article about effects and what it does over years and years of chronic use, holy crap, what, it stops your brain from producing the chemicals that comes when you feels joy-happiness-and relaxation. Those thoughts of I can't handle day to day life without it, spending money I don't have, anti-social feelings, cranky, etc etc etc, I checked every box. Then read what treatment looks like, the plan of day to day life to fill the voids and get over the cravings. Let it go out of your system, don't get down on yourself, this is an illness and you can't do it alone. WOW, enlightening, hopeful, and as it said, I could already see a better life for myself right then and there.
Called my Dr and scheduled an immediate appointment with therapist to get help for this too. Nothing controls me, I can't have that, and once I realized, not saying I don't take responsibility for my actions, I was not in complete control of my decisions, and looking back I no I was not, that I'm not a piece of garbage that is just selfish, I found forgiveness for myself, and used the past to learn and looked to the future for my success. Personally I have never felt better, 30+s plus now, barely, but I love me, and I just love the way I feel, clear headed, clam, in control, genuine reactions, etc, with plans for the future, and loving life.
Committed to wife I was in it for the long run, admitted my addiction to my family and friends, and took the steps to never look back (expect to reflect and learn from it!) But.....it was too little to late, she had already hire a lawyer ($5000) and was just over it all.. Said she wanted a separation/divorce, I was again crushed, but I really could not defend myself. I cried to my parents on the phone, but that quickly passed, and boy I was at least happy at my reaction. Dad, in his own way gave me the strength and what I needed to hear at the time. "You are a 38 y/o good looking white collared successful guy, you have everything going for you. You will find happiness somewhere else. You are a changed man, and you are getting the help you need. You have never been better than you are today. If she can't love that than that is her problem. Walk in there and be clam, have distain, not anger, and tell her you will give her the divorce without fighting about it. You have too kids and that is what is most important now son." Well, I did just that, with not a tear, and as calm as I have ever been. It must have shocked her, "how are you so clam, how can you just flip a switch like that" she said, I responded, what real choice do I have, The path I thought I was on and that you still had in your heart the want to be "in love" with me again, ugh " in love" what a lie that concept is, psychosis I have learned, is over and I have to go down another path to find happiness. I get it honey, I love you and care about you but I can't force you to love me. You have and still say you love me but just can't see how you could ever love me as a married couple should. I get it and it's ok. I want happiness for you, and as hard as it is to hear it, that might be with someone else, but I need a healthy mothers to my boys, and someday there maybe someone else living here that my boys love too, and I'll just have to deal with that, its just reality. I too hope I can find happiness and love for me, and the same situation applies for my future an these boys too.
I guess that shocked her because she stopped and said that she does not want to do this, she does love me and we could fix this marriage. She laid out things she needed from me, to feel loved again, and I said ok, but lets not put that type of pressure on ourselves, Let's take it day by day, and build a new marriage, filled with love and joy, because I am better than the man you married, and we can be better than ever before. We talked about a plan, my treatment, she needs help too, which she, since then has had 2 therapy appointments with my sons doc, a Nurse practitioner, Lexapro and Ativan at night. We agreed that we need therapy too, and she said she would get a referral form her "Dr".. We agreed and set forward to work. over the next couple of weeks I asked if she got that referral yet. She mentioned that her "Dr." said she wants her to work a little more on herself before we go get couples therapy. Ok, don't want to pressure her, right?
Everything has been great, or so I thought. I choose every day to decide to love her, to make her feel loved, and she says I did. With an upcoming trip with her parents to their vacation home, I asked if we were all set, because I had said to her a back on that day, that she would need to cancel my tickets as we were getting a divorce.
I joked that I have a ticket right? And her reply was umm yea I guess so as far as I know. I sensed the hesitation, and asked, you want me to still go right? Long pause, we were on the phone, and she said she did not want to talk about this now....Oh no I thought, what's up? I called her alter and said I could come home early before we had to pick-up the boys so we could talk if she would like. ......Now face to face, I'm thinking that this is all still so fresh and maybe she just wants to have a relaxing vacation with her parents and boys without having to go through reconciliation, on my part, with her parents, which I thought ok, that is reasonable. But I was WRONG. She said she just can't so this anymore, she loves me but does not feel she could ever be "in love with me again". That was last Thursday 6-8-17. She's just not happy, she was just emotional when she asked me to stay and we would fix our marriage. That she wants a divorce and that this is over, She still cares and loves me, but no longer has the feeling a wife should have for a husband.
I was hurt, angry that she did exactly what we talked about not doing, making plans behind each other's back, coming to find out she has set aside money for me to move on, figured out a lot of stuff as far as transition, short of having paperwork drawn up. Told me I will need to start looking for a place, get a lawyers, we will be friends and be great parents to our boys, amicable relationship, etc. etc. etc.
I was hurt again by all this, but a little pissed as I felt mislead, and she agree she could have handled this better, and it was not fair to string me along. My desperation kicked in, looking for marriage counseling, trying to get her to go to a marriage workshop with 75% rate of saving marriage, see saw right through that when I presented and divorce counseling. You know how that story goes. She was a little sad, but had such calmness, and I asked, do you feel relief having finally told me, ..."yes I have" she said.
Over the past few days I have been making some mistakes, smutting her with my love, trying to prove myself, questioning her reasoning. etc, all the pitfalls. Through reading I am trying not to fall prey to those feelings, but that it so hard. I love her more than anything, I feeling so good mentally, it makes it harder. I know I have finally in a place that I deserve her love, can accepted it, I don't need it, I want it, and that there is a difference. Over the past few days we have been very nice, doing things together, laughing at times, arguing, planning, hurting etc. sleeping in separate rooms, except one night when I was feeling so upset anxiety was killing me, she said I could sleep in our bed with her if I needed too.
I made a 3 hour appointment with a top rate councilor locally and at $900, which she freaked when she heard the price, and has agreed to go, with the promise from me, that I f walk out after meeting and she still wants a divorce than I will not fight her on it, and we can be friends, amicable and raise our boys. That we still need some guidance and to not let everything that happened ruin of chances of being good co-parents. We need clarity and closure to be able to move on and not carry this forward for the rest of our lives. That 2nd marriage fail at 0ver 70% because people don't deal with what happened in the first marriage.
She agreed.
Yesterday, Oh my god. I think I may have just made a breakthrough. I was talking about my parents and my mom. She feels so bad that they suck so much for me. I said that my mom is still always throwing all the fighting and disrespect etc I had with my mom before I got help and that I would hope my mom could, not saying that all that was somehow now acceptable, but that my mom could have a little perspective and look back and say I know now that he was dealing with this mental disorder and I can as his mom feel better about those years as a teenager through even up to last year and not continue to throw it in his face or apply it to what he says or does today because he has come so far and really has changed. I said I get it and that it seems a lot of people are having a hard time believing that or accepting that and having that perspective. It's hard.
She replied I know and that sucks and I wish your mom would, and I know I need to as well, but you just have to give me some time to bounce back and I'll get there and we will be friends and raise these boys together.
I then said I appreciate that you feel that way and that gives me comfort but that also fuels my desperation, because I think to myself if you can feel that way now, and that you can/want to have that perspective that the step after that maybe you could change the way you feel about me as your husband. I then stuttered a few seconds, said knowing , walked to the bedroom door, with her in bed, and said goodnight. Goodnight was relied and I left the room for the night.
She didn't argue, she didn't say her normal, well that's just not gonna happen, and you just have to get over that.
Sometimes silence is deafening or music to your ears.
Tomorrow morning is our appointment. Do I have any chance here?

After reading your beautiful story, I am pretty sure that he's a soulmate. What you really wish to know if he is your twinflame. If you are familiar with this concept and after being together for almost 30 years, you should have known by now if he is really The One meant for you in this lifetime. Cheers!

I wish I could understand your post, Jennifer. I'm a little bit aspie, and I don't understand what you're asking here. I've googled soul mate and find it seems to mean profound affinity, maybe even a sense of familiarity, but these are subjective experiences. It also seems to mean an idea that there is only one best person for each of us. Is this what you mean?
Do you mean could you feel more understood? Do you not trust him?
I'm wondering how your husband would know how to answer you.
I knew a woman who had found her soul mate, so she said. When they met she felt so understood, so cared for, so complete. She is a good person, and also a psychologist, and inclined to trust. Sadly, her soul mate turned out to have a raging personality disorder, had lied comprehensively to her about himself, and he ended up in jail. We had a conversation, she and I, and she was insisting that he had been her soul mate, and I was insisting that if soul mates exist, they don't lie to their loved ones about who they are. However, her subjective experience of being swept off her feet by a romantic superman was more insistent than the reality of her situation, for a long time.
Do you think you are your husband's soul mate? Does it need to be reciprocal? If you were his soul mate do you think you would have seen how your story painted your husband as not attractive to you when you met, surprising and a even little disappointing, but safe, and a good long term bet? And invited people to laugh.
I think soul mates are a fantasy, and that doesn't mix well with the hard reality of life. My husband isn't my soul mate, but when I'm with him, I'm home. He feels the same. Is it like that for you?
Please pardon me if I've been intrusive.