pig disappears into kitchen //
returns with trays of snacks //
and lemonade balanced on nose //“I’ve taken the liberty of making some refreshments for you, sir, while I pop down to inspect your car. Please, have a seat on the couch while I go take a look.”

salesman sits between
stringbean & pumpkin
they ignore him

finally:
“Uh, that’s some pig you’ve got there.”

“Yup.”

“Had him long?”

“Ever since he was born.”

long silence
“Most people don’t have talking pigs.”

“Yup.”

“Or pigs that can fix cars.”

“Yup.”

“Or make food.”

“Mister, you gonna jabber or you gonna watch teebee?”

“Sorry, I was just curious…”

other spouse speaks up //“That ain’t the half of it. Why, that li’l feller can do anything. Balances our checkbook, does our taxes. Does vet work on the other animals. Helps our kids with their homework. Ain’t nothing he can’t do.”

“Good question. Haven’t worked it out yet, but I -- rather you, have some options.

“First off, you are safe with me. I’ll look after you as long as you live.

“Second, we can take the high road or the low road.

“High road is we run you to the nearest university. Let them research you. I’ll see to it that they do nothing invasive, but I’m sure they’re going to want to study you at great length.

“Judging from the way they treat gorillas that use sign language, I’d say you’d have a pretty cushy gig: A place to stay, food to eat, some toys and books to keep you amused.”

“I see. And the low road, sir?”

big toothy grin
“Show biz.”

pig stares silently out window a long long time //
then:
“Sir, I am deeply appreciative of what you are doing for me, and I am glad to be away from those ruffians who were willing to carve off one of my limbs any time their larder fell low.

“But I really don’t see how my situation will be helped by going into show business. Presuming I attract attention as an intelligent talking pig, won’t it be a mere matter of time before someone attempts to steal me for extortion purposes, or some religious fundamentalist tries to kill me because I violate his theological boundaries, or some team of scientists endeavor to seize control of me regardless?”

another big toothy grin
“Relax. I’ve got a plan.”

…..

everybody knew it was a trick //
the host/the crew/the stage hands/other guests

other guests were nice //
they had their brand/image to shill //
so they would help somebody //
who would help them

always pretended the pig was real
when they were on camera

pig makes a big sensation //
booked on dozens of shows

salesman always arrives early for set up
// lots of computer/remote control gear

pig is wheeled in //
careful to shoot him only from waist up //
don’t reveal the big aluminum tub where hind legs should be //
tub with blinking lights/access panels

everybody plays along with the gag
“pig” can “really” “talk”
but everybody really knows
it’s a trick

salesman buys nice big house
// hires illegal immigrants
who will keep their mouths shut
for fear of deportation
// pig gets to live the lush life

everything is good //
for a couple of years

then stringbeam & pumpkin show up
// lawyer in tow

scream they have been cheated
// want more money
// salesman attempts to cut them a deal
// they’re greedy
// go to press
// go to court

get laughed off the stage/out of court //
everybody “knows” pigs can’t talk //
everybody “knows” it’s just a really super-sophisticated audio-animatronic //[What are you, crazy? Who thinks pigs can talk? Who thinks pigs can do all the things you say they can do? Hell, we’re human beings and most of us can’t do all the things the pig can do!]

salesman deftly positions it
// so people will think it’s a p.r. stunt
// works
// works too well