5 Steps to Overcome Jealousy in Dating

Why her and not me?

“Mazal tov!” is heard throughout the room and smiles adorn everyone’s faces. While most people feel happy for the new couple, some people experience jealousy instead.

It’s normal and understandable. But it’s also painful, dangerous and destructive. Maybe the bride’s former roommate is remembering her less-favorable characteristics and thinking, “I don’t get it. Why her and not me?”

Maybe the groom’s former college buddy is feeling embarrassed that this younger and less attractive man is now getting married, “I can’t believe he found someone and I’m all alone. I wish I was the one getting married.”

These five points should help any person experiencing jealousy to regain power and perspective.

1. The Big Man Upstairs

When we experience jealousy, we are essentially blaming God for not bringing our soul mate sooner. “If God can bring these two singles together, why not me? Why not now?”

Try to remember that He is in charge, not your friend and not the matchmaker. God is running the world. His plan may not make sense to us (yet), but there is a plan for each of us and this is not a punishment. God loves us, and everything He does is for our ultimate good.

2. Don’t Deny Your Gifts

By consistently thinking about what you do not currently have, you ignore what you do have. True, you are not building your Jewish home with the life partner that you have been dreaming about since who-knows-when. But you likely have a job, good friends, many talents and abilities and are taking care of yourself. The life you have been building thus far is yours, and you will take all these amazing gifts and experiences along your journey and into marriage in the right time.

3. Be Who You Want To Attract

Janet didn’t think she’d ever find the right one. She attended wedding upon wedding of childhood friends, cousins and classmates. Disappointment and pain were Janet’s identifying traits. People were not surprised that she hadn’t met the right guy – her bitterness towards men was palpable. When she finally did marry, people she knew were relieved to not have to be around her negativity anymore.

Rick was always happy for his friends when they got married, even those who were younger than he was. He had suffered a painful broken engagement, but he genuinely believed that everything was for the best. He was the kind of guy people wanted to hang around and invite to celebrations because he led the dancing with joy, made people feel good and didn’t focus on the things that had gone wrong in his life. When he did meet the right girl, everyone was thrilled. Many people wanted to help with the wedding plans and he was often spoken about as “so deserving of this happiness.”

As you can see, your attitude makes a big difference. Try to focus on imbuing yourself with the same feelings that you want others to feel for you.

4. Look in the Mirror

Recognize that people are jealous of YOU for many things as well. (Not that this is something to strive for, but it is natural.) People (married or not) may be longing for your good looks, job, prestige, social savvy, taste, family support, reputation, etc. Being married to the right person is amazing, but it isn’t all there is to want.

5. Put Jealousy Feelings in Check

Many people in the headlines today have caused irreparable harm because of their feelings of jealousy. “His jealousy caused him to...” You don’t want to be that person. Realizing what jealousy can do to your relationships and to yourself may be all you need to put the jealous feelings in their place.

These suggestions may be challenging to implement, but they will give you perspective. If it weren’t so difficult to do, God wouldn’t have made it one of the Ten Commandments!

Though dating might be a long and sometimes difficult part of your life, remember that it is only part of your life. You have the power to change your perspective, to see the blessings and goodness bestowed upon you in even the unlikeliest of places. By doing the above steps, slowly but surely your jealous feelings will diminish. You will then be more likely to notice the blessings you have, and to see those that are heading your way. What other good tips to you have to ward off jealously? Tell me in the comments below.

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About the Author

Aleeza Ben Shalom is the Marriage Minded Mentor you can count on when you want clarity in dating for marriage. She is the author of Get Real Get Married, your guide to getting over your hurdles and under the chuppah! In addition to her private mentoring sessions with clients from all over the world, Aleeza is a passionate speaker and the host of a weekly show. To learn more about her unique style of matchmaking, which focuses on empowerment and developing successful support networks, visit www.marriagemindedmentor.com. Aleeza is committed to creating marriages that endure the test of time, starting with her own: she is a dedicated wife and loving mother of five children.

Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Michael,
July 31, 2014 6:34 PM

Grass is greener on other side till someone has to mow it.

Grass is greener on the other side till you have to mow it so enjoy the wild flowers everyone calls weeds. I am poor and disable and I would be homeless camping on beautiful lakes in Georgia South Carolina border and I loved camping but could see the super rich homes and wish I had a bed. But I realized I never saw these people who owned these homes- they worked day and night trying to pay for it. In my meek humble state I laughed- and laughed. They are spending millions to be right were I am at and I'm enjoying the beautiful lakes and they were not. I had hours of Torah study and got to know God on deeper level than most and I got to play in water and sun and cook over campfires, etc. then I didn't envy them anymore I realized God humbled me to draw me closer to Him and the skills I learned being homeless are priceless. Funny thing is the rich people envied my peace and free time to study and they loved I was so relaxed in storms etc because I learned to trust God. Yes it was hard at times but I really lived and learn so much in Torah during this time- it was biggest growth in my spiritual walk

(2)
Gary,
July 31, 2014 5:13 AM

Agree...but

This article is spot on, and I try to use this perspective in my single life:). However, feeling too guilty about jealous thoughts can make things even worse, and give me another reason to feel bad about myself. My "compromise" is to make a good faith effort to realize that G-D has a unique plan for me which is for my ultimate good, but to have enough self acceptance to acknowledge I do have some feelings of jealousy, and that can be in some sense "normal" given thecircumstancess.The challenge is to ignore instead of indulge these thoughts, and continue to dance at my friends' wedding while jealousy fades into the background:)

(1)
scott,
July 30, 2014 3:53 PM

Jealousy is a poison.

The word that was used here is jealousy. Coveting.

It seems like the article is about not feeling adequately competitive. But I want to talk about what the title implies. Because I've seen it happen.

I can sympathize with feeling that I was not a successful dater but I can't remember a time when I felt jealous of a friend that found their match. I was too busy being excited for them. If they were my friend and they found their match that means I can do it too! I'd ask them how they met. I'd ask their partner what brought them together. I'd try and use their successes to improve my approach. And lemmie tell you weddings and engagement parties and whatnot are target rich environments.

It's how you approach life that can be most determinative in your dating career. I dated a lot. Before and after becoming religious so I saw both sides. And in the end I was successful. I definitely married up-ask anyone. Even my mom.

I wasn't looking for the prettiest or the smartest or the most affectionate (but again if my wife is reading this-I sure got all those things Honeeey!) I was looking for the partner I could most respect and trust with my life.

I was pretty good at sniffing out women who weren't nice. The first conversation that made me feel like I was dealing with someone that was not nice was the last date. And being jealous of a friends success is not nice. It's a sickness of the soul that can infect everyone around you. I can't handle a mate that might be jealous of my success or that of my friends/family. It's just wrong.

You want to know how the obese or short or funny looking or financially struggling guy/girl gets the beauty queen or the adonis? They are such good people on the inside that their partner doesn't even notice anything else. My wife didn't and I am still a fixer-upper to this day.

Work on having the right inside. That's all that really counts.

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I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...