Monday, September 5, 2016

A Web of Ridiculousness

I’m
sharing my porch with a spider. He’s one of those that spin a web at night and
when the sun comes up he’s gone.

I
don’t like spiders. I admit they make me scream like a man with his junk caught
in a bear trap that’s in a shark’s jaw being sat on by the 600 pound ghost of
Haystacks Calhoun.

This
spider is spinning his web off my porch roof so it’s up high enough that I can
walk by and not get caught in it. The other day though I noticed the web was
getting bigger. A few strands of silk were getting close to head height for me
so we had to have a talk.

Me: I notice the web is expanding.
We talked about this size issue before.

Spider: Sorry but me
and the missus just had another brood of kids. I need to catch more food.

Me: How many kids do you have?

Spider: 670 at last
count.

Me: They don’t live nearby do they?

Spider: God no! I’d
never get any peace if the old lady and the kids were living with me. No, I
have them set up across the street in your neighbor’s drainage spout. The
rent’s a little high but we need the space.

Me: You pay rent?

Spider: Oh yeah. All
the spouting in the area is controlled by the centipede family. Man those
things creep me out.

Me: Yeah . . . me too. Anyway,
remember our deal. The web stays high enough that I don’t run into any of it
and end up dancing around the yard like a loon trying to get it off of me.

Spider: Right, right.
I’m trying to only widen it but I had to spin a support beam down farther.
There’s still clearance.

Me: It’s close though.

Spider: I’ll watch it.
By the way, my wife really likes the way your living room is decorated.