I have always said that you simply can’t ask a child what he thinks about his parents’ divorce. There is too much at stake! For the child to admit that he has received a blow he may not recover from is too frightening. And in almost every case, the child feels he has to protect his parents who are obviously no longer in control of their own lives — if only for his own preservation, for, the child has no autonomy. Without his parents, he will be exposed to nameless danger.No, you must wait until the child has grown. Then you may — may! — be able to find out what happened to his inner life when his world fell apart.This is what Leila Miller has done — she has let the now-adult “child” speak.

If you would like signed copies of either of my books in time for Christmas gift-giving, please get that order to me this week, so I can send them out in plenty of time! My email is on the side of the blog, or you can email me at primalloss@gmail.com

If you want them signed and personalized, DON'T buy them from Amazon! Email me. And even if you don't want them signed but want a "CyberMonday" discount, email me. :) Otherwise, buy them at Amazon for full price. ;)

Aaaaaand.....

EXCITING NEWS: I'm busy working on a book with Trent Horn (best Catholic apologist in the universe, and he works for Catholic Answers), which will show you exactly how to talk to your children (both little and big!) about each of the tough moral issues we are facing in the culture today. If you could pray for our endeavor, I would appreciate it so much!

Meanwhile, here is the single best article I have read to date about what is happening in our culture, especially with regard to the scourge of "identity politics" (which many young and faithful Catholics have fallen into, aka, the "social justice warriors") and its connection to the breakdown of the family (which is at the crux of so much of the disaster we see all around us):

Q. To millennials, and I speak as one, intentional self-definition feels like the natural mode of being. It's what we do on social media without even realizing it. Has that not always been so? Aren't existential crises a long-running theme in the past century of modernity? Have they changed, or heightened?

A. What’s changed is not human nature – everyone asks the same questions about identity. But the familial circumstances in which many contemporary souls now find ourselves are radically changed, and make that quintessentially human question harder to answer.

For most of history, that question, “Who am I?” was answered first in the context of the family: I am a daughter, I am a cousin, a grandmother, a niece, and so on. Identity of a most obvious and unquestionable kind was provided by how any given individual was situated within the family into which he was born. If you didn’t know anything else, you at least knew that.

As of the Pill, though, and its promise of consequence-free sex, family relations have changed fundamentally – and with them, familial identity. Modern contraceptives increased the temptation to people-shop, because so many more people were now sexually available. Bonds like marriage, which once had been seen by most people as immutable, were (and are) extraordinarily strained by this massive sexual consumerism.

As a result, many people now regard “family” as a voluntary association, rather than a primordial set of bonds. That’s why we have such high rates of divorce and single motherhood – higher than ever before in history: because as of the sexual revolution, many people have behaved as if the family is negotiable, rather than given.

In the essay, I give examples of just some of the resulting confusion out there. Are you a stepsister? That depends. What if your mother and your “stepsister’s” father were married once -- and aren’t anymore? Are you still related to that person? What if they were never married in the first place, and you were just living with your mother’s boyfriend’s daughter? Would you have considered her a “stepsister” at all?

Similarly: is that my grandfather? Well, if he’s your mother’s father, probably yes. But what if he’s someone who married your grandmother after she divorced your original grandfather – what then? And so on.

Add to all of these novel existential quandaries the related fact that the family has shrunk, and you can readily see what distinguishes us from our ancestors: we have fewer attachments to family than they did, and the ones that we do have are, for many of us, in constant flux.

How is a communal animal – man – supposed to derive identity from his first community, the family, at such a time? That’s where the barely suppressed hysteria behind today’s identity politics is really coming from, I think: confusion and loneliness and familial deprivation.

Friday, October 20, 2017

I had an amazing experience at EWTN studios, and then, with my son who attends college nearby, I went on a little pilgrimage to the Shrine Mother Angelica built, which includes her nuns' monastery and her resting place.

Here's my live interview on At Home With Jim and Joy (who were so wonderful!):

This one is a very short Bookmark Brief (like a commercial) and the full interview with Doug Keck will be aired sometime in the Spring.

Aaaaaannnd.....

I NEED YOUR STORY!

The follow-up book to Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak is going to be a compilation of stories of HOPE (like Chapter 10 in the current book). If you have a story of either you or your parents overcoming a terrible marital crisis and reuniting or finding redemption, please email me your story at primalloss@gmail.com -- and rest assured it will stay completely anonymous!

What she wrote goes to the heart of what I have learned since editing the book, and it's what the vast majority of divorce ministries and counselors are missing, i.e., the very normal and expected reactions of children taught to go along with something that is naturally destructive and unjust. Please see if you don't recognize what we do to the children of divorce, in Melody's words:

As the Catholic discussions on divorce, remarriage, etc., increase as a result of current events in the Church, I throw in my unsolicited pennies and beg Catholics to avoid one thing during those discussions: Never, even under the generous umbrella of mercy, allow adult pastoral considerations to divert attention from the great needs of the suffering children of divorce. A faster annulment process (or other changes) may or may not be good for the Church.... But it doesn't fundamentally change the crushing blow that divorce is to the family. Even when it is necessary, it is still a great suffering.

When we minimize the language of what divorce really is, we also minimize the real effect on human beings... and we unfortunately communicate lies to kids: "There must be something wrong with YOU to feel so bad and broken over something that isn't really a big deal." It makes kids (and abandoned spouses) feel isolated and crazy. My own experience was that it caused me to bear an unwieldy burden of guilt even as a very young child. Over and over again I heard variations on the following...

"It's for the best."
"It's good for your parents... you should be glad that they can live happier lives."
"Don't you want them to be happy?"
"It is better this way."
"They did a brave thing."
"Nobody should have to live with someone they don't love."
"You'll understand when you're older."
"You are not being fair to them."
"Children do not understand what makes adults happy."
"Be grateful you didn't have to grow up in an unhappy household."
"You will learn to think and feel differently with time."
"Do you want to make your mom cry?"
"You were too young to be affected by it... you're just trying to get attention now."
"You are being ungrateful."
"God does not want your parents to be unhappy."

And over and over again I was pierced by the pain of isolation and brokenness that seemed to only have its roots in MY guilty, stupid soul. If divorce was "good" "better" and "best" and my parents were wholly justified and excellent decision makers, then I must have been a worthless person for all the sadness, grief, and anger I carried. While my own parents were lifted up and extolled for their courage by the long list of counselors, friends, and priests I sought out for help with my runaway grief, I was crushed under the knowledge that my grief (which I was helpless to) was standing in the way of their happiness....

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Since there is a lot going on in the Church right now, it's a good time for all of us to understand something very important and very basic: Infallibility.There is more than one kind (or level) of infallibility in the Church. The Magisterium (i.e., the teaching authority of the Church) can exercise infallibility in two basic ways: 1. The "extraordinary Magisterium" 2. The "ordinary and universal Magisterium"The exercise of the "extraordinary Magisterium" is the one we hear about most. This is when the Pope acts on his own, pronouncing and defining doctrine ex cathedra, or "from the Chair" of Peter. This has happened with two Marian doctrines--the Immaculate Conception of Mary and the Bodily Assumption of Mary. (These doctrines were already true and believed before the pope declared them, by the way. Popes do not ever "make up" new doctrines.)The exercise of the "ordinary and universal Magisterium" is less dramatic but more common. It is the teaching of the whole body of bishops, in union with the pope. When the bishops and pope speak and teach definitively on something (for example in an ecumenical council) they are teaching infallibly. The day-to-day teachings of the Church, confirmed and reaffirmed throughout the centuries (taught "always and everywhere"), fall into this category of infallible teachings. "God exists" would be one such infallibly taught doctrine (pretty basic and general!), as would the prohibition of abortion and contraception (never has the Church sanctioned either one). Like I said, I'm keeping it simple!

Friday, September 22, 2017

Inaugural Mass at the church Fr. Pete worked so many years to build. 8-13-16. (Ambria Hammel/CATHOLIC SUN)

Fr. Pete Rossa, the beloved, always-smiling, ever-joyful pastor of St. Bernadette Catholic Church in Scottsdale, Arizona, died last Wednesday, September 13. He was only 52.On the morning of Tuesday the 12th, Fr. Pete had ascended the steps of the ambo to give his homily to the small group of faithful who had assembled for daily mass in the magnificent new church building that had been dedicated only months before. A dear friend who was in the pews that day said that Father did not look well as he began his homily -- he was "as white as the marble" surrounding him, but he pressed on in his priestly duties. He began with prescient words:"In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus called the disciples to Himself...." He then stopped, apologized, and appeared to take a step down. He lost consciousness and fell backwards onto the marble floor, hitting his head. The lector and parishioners rushed to help him, first responders arrived, and soon he was taken into emergency surgery. Despite excellent care, there was nothing the doctors could do; he never regained consciousness. The next day, surrounded by loving family, friends, and brother priests praying the rosary, Fr. Pete, good and faithful servant of God, passed to eternal life. It is a consolation to all and a gift from the Lord that his last conscious moments on this earth were spent surrounded by consecrated, holy things, with his Eucharistic Lord just a few feet from him. Father Pete was robed in his priestly vestments, serving his flock in the house of God that they had worked so hard to build, together.

In the lunchroom at the parish office just recently, Fr. Peter shared with some of his staff that when it was his time, he hoped he could die doing what he loved most, celebrating the Sacred Mass. How prophetic, then, that he was called to the Lord and into the loving arms of the Blessed Mother, for whom he held such great affection, only days later in just this way.

The Lord clearly loved his servant Peter very much. Just months earlier, when dedicating the new church building, he said to his flock:

It’s my great prayer that we continue to grow in the grace of God and to proclaim His kingdom everywhere we go, every minute of the day because you, my brothers and sisters, are not just simply called to come to Mass on Sunday. You and I are called to be saints.

I am not sure Fr. Pete knew who I was, but I sure knew him. I remember reading about his late vocation in the diocesan newspaper 14 years ago. He had been in the Air Force for 12 years, and after having served our country with honor, he got out and began to wonder about God, Someone he had not really known. He went to an RCIA class and asked, to the amusement of the others, "Who is Jesus?" God clearly had Pete Rossa on the fast track, because soon after that spiritual awakening, he was headed to the seminary--and ultimately to 14 years of a holy and fruitful priesthood that touched thousands of lives. St. Bernadette's has been my "second parish home" for many years, as well as the place where I routinely go to confession; Fr. Pete was often the priest behind the screen, hearing my sins and giving me gentle spiritual direction and absolution. When he celebrated the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, it was always reverent, and his joy in the Lord--and his beloved parishioners--was clearly evident. Fr. Pete probably never knew that he was part of our Bubble family, but I used one of his columns years ago, right here! He had a passion for and expertise in bioethics, and he used that knowledge to teach the truth, courageously but lovingly, to a world that desperately needs to hear it:

In the past few days there have been many tears shed for this kind, humble, and faithful priest, and many stories shared of how he changed people's lives and souls by mediating to them the love of Jesus Christ. A grieving member of Fr. Pete's flock, Denny Hunt, speaks for many of us when he says, simply:

"Thank you for all the times you absolved me of sins and gave me Jesus."

Our priests sacrifice everything to give us all. May we never take them for granted.

May the soul of Fr. Peter Rossa, and the souls of all the faithful departed, rest in eternal peace.

+++++++

There is more on Fr. Pete, including memorable stories from those who knew him during seminary and through his priesthood, in this Catholic Sun article:

Friday, August 25, 2017

Hello, Strangers (unless you've been following me on Facebook, and in that case, we know each other better than ever)!!Things have been pretty crazy since the release of Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak (scroll to the end of this post for info on my upcoming appearances on EWTN), and I can't thank you enough for all your support and encouragement. xoxoxoThrough all the incredible discussion the book has engendered, I realized that there is a question I didn't ask the now-adult children of divorce, and it's an important one:What could your parents say to you NOW that would help you heal from the legacy of their divorce in your life?

So, I took the question to several of the book's contributors, and below are their thoughts, in red. Other contributors' responses/reactions to those thoughts are in blue. And, if you are tempted to dismiss the answers as so much whining, please understand that divorce is an injustice to children, yet, they hardly speak of it. Let them speak, even if it hurts to hear it. We do not live in a culture where the children of divorce speak *too much* after all, but too little....

What would I like to hear from my parents? An acknowledgment that they let me down.

^^That is exactly where my head and heart went.

Same.I think I would also stress the spiritual jeopardy that I was placed in by their choice.....we view God the way we are parented......that their actions haven't just hurt earthly relationships, but heavenly ones, as well.You know, this reminds me that a dad is supposed to fight for his family. The Church needs to do a better job with formation instead of the [weak catechesis] that passes for it......YES. "We were stupid and selfish. We should have tried harder. We should have valued our family, and the health and well-being of our children more and fought for our family."

+++++++

They could say: "I loved your mother/father. I am sorry I hurt you. I would try harder if I had the chance to do it again."

+++++++

What could they say? They could say "we're getting back together."

YES!I was so sad when my dad got remarried and it became apparent that it would never happen. I know I'm not the only kid that held out hope for a reunion.For me this would be devastating. I would feel like my parents put me through 40 years of garbage for absolutely no reason.

+++++++

I don't need an apology, just an acknowledgement that it has been incredibly hard for me and that it took things from me I otherwise would have had.
+++++++"I'm sorry, I'm listening." (No caveats, such as "I thought I was doing what was best for us, etc.")+++++++Saying, "I'm sorry, I love you," then ask how I feel, listen to me and talk about it. I will say, my mom did write me a letter when I was in college telling me she was sorry that her marriage was not a good example for me. I really appreciated that.+++++++

Wow, I'm not sure what to say. I don't think my parents ever said anything like this to me, but I wish they had. My mom acknowledged it to me regarding my sister, because my sister went down the wrong path, got into drugs, went to jail for a time, etc., and my mom acknowledged that the divorce was so hard on her, that it was probably a big part of why she went down the path she did. I would just want them to say, "I'm sorry" and express regret, remorse, and acknowledge that they knows it's harmful and it hurts, and if there's anything they can do to help their children cope, that they will do it. And if the kids need to talk or vent without judgement, they will listen. And then mean it.+++++++How about: "My Child, I am sorry to have caused you all this pain. It was a difficult, painful time, and in my ignorance and blindness, I chose a selfish, sinful path, and your family was broken. I should have tried harder and done the work to fix what was wrong and loved your mom (or dad) the way she (or he) deserved. I should have honored my vows and been a better example to you and your siblings. Please don’t follow in my footsteps! I love you and pray that you can make your marriage last a lifetime, and that your own children never have to go through the pain you have suffered."Perfect.

Oh my, I love this.Thank you. This hits all the sore spots!

+++++++"I'm so sorry."+++++++I would want the parent to ask me how I feel and what I went through and listen. That's all.THISYep. This. Great answer.I agree, but I needed to hear their sense of sadness and regret, too.Would you be able to tell them? I still don't know that I could.Not to my mother that is for sure. My dad has been open, but I'm not sure how to express the pain. It was awful.+++++++Things that were said to me that helped: "I loved your father very much and wanted to be with him for life. I was very sad about the divorce." And from my father (during a small window where he seemed to get it): "I feel like I messed your childhood up. I'm so sorry. I regret so many things. Please forgive me." Also optimism and confidence that I can lead a great life, and that my parents are proud of me. My mom in particular always approached things with both empathy and a can-do, we're in this together attitude.

Nice. Just about everything I want to hear.+++++++As for what to say, I think a simple recognition of the failure and its subsequent trauma is enough. Don't justify it, don't smooth it over. And for God's sake, don't tell them that it was "meant to happen" (my mother said this to my young daughter).+++++++Don't badmouth each other. Usually, kids love both of their parents. Be grownups. You already messed up by getting a divorce, don't make it worse by making the kids choose sides. And, actually listen to what your kid wants to say without making any excuses.+++++++Here's an unrealistic request: How about a long litany of the events that happened in life and how they could have been. (Birthdays, vacations, concerts, sporting events, conversations needed in high school that didn't happen, etc.) Seriously, an acknowledgement of what should have happened at those important times, even if not a comprehensive list, would go a long way to show that the parent "gets it."+++++++I don't think there is a particular set of words to say; but the acknowledgement to the child that the dysfunctions and divorce were hurtful to the child will go a long way in healing. I am very blessed, in that my dad did ask me, not too many years before before he died, if I were angry with him for divorcing my mother. My dad's acknowledgement that I suffered means a great deal to me.+++++++So much has already been said here. All I would add is how children need to hear that they did nothing to cause the divorce and that they are blameless. There was more, but you get the gist of it. Guys, there is a world of hidden hurt out there and it needs to be addressed. May God bless all the children of divorce.

________________________________

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!On September 28 at 2:00 pm EST, I am going to be a guest on EWTN's At Home With Jim and Joy! The show will be live, and then it will be repeated a couple of times. I will also be taping an episode of EWTN's Bookmark with Doug Keck! I hope everyone in the Bubble family will tune in!More info to come as we get closer!

Sunday, June 25, 2017

At the wholly unexpected prompting of the Holy Spirit, my friend Rob Marco flew across the country less than 24 hours ago to join one of my heroes, Joseph Sciambra, in his ministry to the LGBT community at the San Francisco Pride event, where around a million people gathered. As Rob sat at the airport ready to board his flight home just moments ago, he sent me his reflections, below.God bless Rob, Susan, and Joseph for their love and courage.

Rob, Susan, and Joseph

It has been a marathon day, and I'm pretty spent, but God is so good. A few reflections from SF Pride while it's fresh in my mind:

The first reflection is that everyone was pretty pleasant and free-spirited for the most part. There was not a lot of belligerence, no yelling, and minimal confrontation. These are not "bad people," but as I see it, they are lost, hurting people, and there are also other people just going along with the crowd. There were a lot of drugs in the air, you could smell it everywhere, so maybe people were just "happy"--I don't know.

Joseph [Sciambra] is very mild-mannered and polite, and admits that his presence there is a bit of a Johnny Appleseed operation. People didn't know what to make of us. I think they were so pleasant because there were many gay-affirming churches present at booths, and I guess they thought we were just members of another one of those churches, since we were wearing shirts that said, "Jesus loves gay men and women"--which is true, but hard to go into it on the street, the truth that Jesus everyone without exception, loves us so much he wants more for us than what we degrade ourselves to.

Many "gay-affirming" churches were represented at the event.

It was boots-on-the-ground ministry and hard to connect one-on-one, so we gave out rosary bracelets and a card with Joseph's website in the hopes that they will visit the site at home after the parade, when things aren't so crazy. Joseph said his site gets about twenty times more traffic than normal in the days after Pride. I remember the first post I read when I found his website was "Hell is For Real" about his near-death experience. I think that's what struck me about the day, and what I made mention to Susan: this parade, this world...it's not reality. It's somebody's reality, but it's not what is really true and really real. It is as if there is a cliff behind the curtain, and nobody really sees it. For four hours, I wore a smile (a genuine one, mind you) and said more "God bless you's" than I could count. But on the inside, I was breaking up at the offenses against our Lord, the perversion. I offered up to the Lord the soreness, the sunburn, the hunger and thirst--in the hopes that he would pardon such offenses, an act of reparation that pales with what he endured on the Cross for us.

Something interesting to note as well: This really was a quasi-religious event, albeit not in the traditional sense. There was a procession of sorts, down Market Street. There were men in underwear dancing on platforms wearing angel wings. One man was dressed as the pope in mockery, blessing people...another dressed as Our Lady, a kind of blasphemous Madonna. Why would they do this? Like Satanists who do not have Black Masses at a Methodist church, or an Episcopal church, or a Baptist church...they mock the Catholic Church, and desecrate the Eucharist. And it was very similar here. Satan mocks, and he doesn't bother to mock the things that have no power.

But there was also a hunger here, a hunger for God and what is religious and even Catholic...but not on God's terms. It was a perverted substitution. There was also a legitimate sense of a craving for love and affirmation, but somewhere along the line a hurt, a trauma maybe came in and something must have failed along the way. Joseph has written about this. You wouldn't believe how many rosary bracelets we gave away; people wanted them, but in a way in which they did not understand. There was dancing and laughter and happiness, but it felt like a façade, because, like Joseph, I know what's on the other side. It is easy, so easy, to go along with what is around you, when you are surrounded by it as the majority...and it's even seen as good. But it was like...I felt like I was in an alternative universe where everything was upside down. It didn't shake my faith, but it made me fearful of God's judgment. God has been so patient with us, and I think that time may be running out, and so I pray the rosary every day. And, if anything, flying out here has convinced me to start fasting and offering up sacrifices for conversions. Because there is really nothing we can do on our own, the force against us is too strong. We need God. NEED Him. And prayer is an indispensable weapon in this fight.

One thing that bothered me was seeing children at an event like this. I thought of my own children, and so many other children...toddlers, pre-teens, and adolescents...who are just being born into this confusion and won't know any different.

Joseph made an interesting point, too, that there were many corporate sponsors of the event, a lot of backing. It felt like Goliath, honestly...a powerful force to be reckoned with. I felt like a needle in a haystack. I had peace and an assurance of being on the 'wrong side of history,' because it was evident that this was the history of man, not God, for God is not the author of confusion (1 Cor 14:33). It made my heart heavy, but only because, as a Christian, I was finally entering into the fray; it was new to me personally, but not new to human history, for the world will hate us because it hated Him first (Jn 15:18), and we'd better get used to it if we want to be Christ's disciples.

My final reflection is that the scene was just saturated with sex. It's like you get numb to it. And that's not how God intended sex to be. There was no modesty at all, and I'm not talking in a prissy kind of way. I wasn't scandalized by it per se, but it's just...if people knew the power and holiness of sex as God intended it.... I don't know. It's like a secret, but one that God wants us to know. There was a part of the parade where people would engage in all kinds of perversions, and Joseph said in the past he has gone over and prayed over that area, you know outstretching his hand and all. And people would react violently, kind of in the way demonics would react to being exorcised....

I can't help but think the Church has let people down. I'm not talking about the Catechism or the Holy Spirit's assurance that the gates of Hell will not prevail against Her. I'm talking about waffling and wavering in practice. The temptation to be liked is so strong, and I'm sure those in ministry and pastoring have made the mistake of capitulating so as not to be hated. Well guess what? If you're not hated for your faith, it should give you pause. Because we are past time for dialogue and understanding. You'd better pick sides and get on your knees when you see what we are up against, and the way Satan has his way in the world. Now, I'm late to this fight, so maybe I'm just as much to blame. But the narrow path is becoming more clear to me as the only way to be saved. It should have been clear from the start.

I'm tired and sunburned, hungry and thirsty, and I thank God and give Him praise for the opportunity to offer up these pittances and to taste some of the derision and sorrow He experienced as He hung for us, men of the mob who favored Barabbas over the very Son of God. I don't know why He called me fly out here from Philadelphia. I hope maybe we touched one person. God bless Joseph for his endurance and compassion and commitment to Truth in a way that is not always understood or accepted as normative, and for loving and ministering to people to whom most of us would not minister. What a blessing to go into the trenches with him, even if just for a day. And thank you, thank you, thank you for all your prayers; they sustained us for sure.

I give 100% of my Amazon commissions (not my author commissions) to help special needs orphans.

Mystical Rose

I love clarity. I love logic. I love Truth.

I am Leila Miller (pronounce it "Layla"), a 50-year-old Catholic wife and mother of eight children, whose ages span from 25 down to 7. Three of our children are married, and I am a grandma of five!

I often tell folks that I love my "little Catholic bubble" of faithful friends and family. It's where I choose to live, in relative peace and joy.

However, the "bubble" is not exclusive! It's open to everyone.

I relish engaging the wider culture, and I do have a lot of opinions. If you read this blog, you will hear them.

Politically, I am a conservative. Theologically, I am a faithful Catholic who loves apologetics. For fun, I like to make matches between devout Catholic singles. Well, at least I used to.... Now I just stick to helping my own kids in that area, where I've had some success. ;)