Exclusive apology for global Muslim population by resident Flipside writer

Following Rupert Murdoch’s call for an apology from Muslims worldwide for recent tragic events in Paris, one of our writers has stepped up to the plate to offer the following heartfelt apology on their behalf.

Rupert Murdoch

The Sun

1 London Bridge Street, London

SE1 9GF

Dear Mr. Murdoch,

Public Letter of Apology for Involvement in Islamic Terrorism

I am writing the following public apology on behalf of my fellow Moslems all over the world for recent tragic events involving the deaths of several satirists. I would also like to apologise for everything else we could possibly be sorry for. This comes with regard to the attack on Charlie Hebdo, and more specifically the refusal of Moslems to apologise for a long list of atrocities, which I shall address below.

Firstly I would like to express my sincere remorse for all the regrettable states of affairs that have followed the creation of the universe by our one and only God, Allah, as well as for everything we have done to ensure that this current state of existence would be as wretched and loathsome as it could have possibly become. From the first disagreement that was had between our ancestors, Adam and Eve, we knew that our species would forever be in a state of perpetual conflict and animosity. Thus, our only mistake here has been employing the noble act of suicide jihad only recently in our history, instead of decisively resolving this once and for all 2.5 million years ago at the dawn of humanity.

Or is that our only mistake? Of course not, for our list of transgressions carries on. I extend my apologies still for our involvement in wiping out the Neanderthals, the mammoth, the dodo, the passenger pigeon, and last but not least, the Tasmanian Tiger that so majestically roamed your native homeland of Australia until we immigrated there for greener pastures. I only wished your fellow countrymen shared your awareness of our role in the growing jihadist cancer eating away at our planet’s ozone layer, contributing to the global warming peril melting our ice away and raising our sea levels, all whilst threatening to submerge Australia underwater forever.

The final portion of this apology is an expression of my utmost shame on behalf of the global Moslem population for our involvement in all the troublemaking we seem so fond of. I apologise to you personally for our engagement in the Six-Day War, the decolonisation movements, and for beating the Soviets out of Afghanistan, as well as the subsequent rise of the Taliban. The responsibility for all acts perpetrated by Muslims must clearly lie with every single person worldwide who identifies themselves as Muslim, and blame should in no way lie only with those few individuals who actually carry the offensive acts.

Brief as this letter was, I hope my true intentions shine through, and that this apology reaches you on behalf of all Moslems around the world.