Penn Satire, Since 1899

RAZR's Predecessors

by Walker Hawkins

It’s now 2007 and if you haven’t already heard, Motorola has sold over 50,000 RAZR phones and the new KRZR is becoming more and more popular everyday. What you probably don’t know is that Motorola’s idea for the RAZR, and the subsequent KRZR, did not just suddenly appear out of nowhere. In fact, there were many failed ideas before the RAZR and KRZR. Here are some of Motorola’s failed attempts that led to the eventual inception of the world’s most popular phone.

Motorola TASR:
Originally, Motorola felt that this phone would be incredibly popular, especially with women who felt the need for the some extra protection. Basically, the TASR was not only a cell phone but also a taser gun that could be used to fend off anyone who got to close. Unfortunately, this phone failed in the test phases as people continually gave themselves electric shocks while trying to answer phone calls and send text messages. And if that wasn’t a big enough problem, it was bulky as shit, that ain’t no RAZR.

Motorola MACR:
Much the same idea as the TASR, a way for women to protect themselves. However, instead of doubling as a taser, this phone doubled as a mace bottle. This concept also hit a few bumps along the way, especially since using the phone made you look like you were talking into a bottle of Axe. I guess that’s cool if you’re 13 and trying to cover up the fact that you didn’t shower after gym class, but for the rest of us, the MACR would have been a total disaster.

Motorola HAZR:
This concept was to be geared towards college students, especially those in fraternities and sororities. It looked much like the RAZR, except for the fact that it was shaped like a paddle and the ring and message tones were quite different. You could personalize your message tones to range from “On Your Knees!” to “You Better Finish That!” to my personal favorite, “Yes You’re Eating Dog Shit and No You Can’t Put On Your Pants!” The HAZR did make it to a few college campuses, but were eventually withdrawn after some pledges were actually forced to eat them; delicious irony I’d say.

Motorola INTRCPTR:
Lastly there was the INTRCPTR, which is exactly what you think it is: half phone, half anti-aircraft missile defense system…this one never made it out of R&D, which is unfortunate. I mean, has some girl* ever hung up on you and you were so pissed, but you couldn’t do anything about it? With the INTRCPTR, you’re problems would be solved, “Oh you wanna hang up on me? It’s called a Tomahawk Missile bitch, ENJOY!”

At this point, I’m sure you’re just as surprised as I was to learn that much more goes on behind the scenes at today’s technology companies than you could ever imagine. The products made available to us today are the end result of many failures and changes. With that in mind, stay tuned as next week we look at the predecessor to Apple’s iPod, which include the iRod vibrator/mp3 player and the iNod, Apple’s attempt at a bobble head mp3 player.

*- If you are a girl reading this, replace girl with ‘guy’ and bitch with ‘bastard’. Also, hey, give me a call sometime?