Self Respect Versus Arrogance

Will the real me please stand up?

What are the roots of a healthy sense of self? We are all aware that self-esteem is essential to our happiness and well-being and to establishing loving relationships. But how many people do you know who have a true, unshakeable sense of self, one that is not dependent on social approval or someone else's recognition?

We tend to focus on the illusion of self-respect, the good feeling of being admired by friends, peers or family members and we fool ourselves thinking that this is healthy self-esteem. This is what we're really after when we speak about our extensive education, attendance at Ivy League schools, our careers and accomplishments. More often than not it comes across as arrogance, not self-esteem.

Oddly enough, genuine self esteem is rooted in humility.

What is Humility?

The Talmud considers Hillel to be the paradigm of humility:

"The Rabbis said, One should always be humble like Hillel and not strict like Shammai" (Talmud, Shabbat 30b).

Presumably, if we want to learn about humility, Hillel should be a good role model to follow. But the Talmud also says this about Hillel:

"They said about Hillel the Elder, when he came to celebrate the Pouring of the Water (in the Temple), he would say: If I am here, everyone is here. And if I am not here, then who is here?" (Talmud, Sukkah 53a)

What kind of a statement is this to make for someone supposedly humble? If I’m here, let the festivities begin? If I’m not here, there’s really nobody else worthwhile around here? How can this be an expression of humility when it seems so arrogant?

"… arrogance is never the consequence of recognition of one's true skills and talents. A person with a healthy self-esteem has no need for the praise and approbation of others. Arrogance is invariably a desperate attempt of a person who feels negatively about himself to escape from his feelings of worthlessness. He craves honor and seeks praise to assure himself that he is indeed a worthwhile person, in contrast to his feelings…"

True humility is an honest recognition of the gifts and strengths you have and the responsibility that entails in putting them to use.

Rabbi Twerski points out that arrogance and hunger for power are just the flip-side of lack of confidence. If you feel worthless inside, you are always in need of external validation and the feeling of power over other people. If on the other hand, you know your strengths and abilities, you are no longer obsessed with other people’s approval, you don’t need to focus on yourself, but rather you are now able to get out of the way and get the job done. The gifts God gave you don't say anything about who you really are – after all, what did you do to receive them? But they do say a lot about what you are capable of doing. In the words of Spider-man, "With great power comes great responsibility."

True humility is an honest recognition of the gifts and strengths you have and the responsibility that entails in putting them to use. When Hillel the Elder said, “If I’m here, everything is here,” he meant: “Based on my abilities and talents which God gave me and for which I take no credit, if I am here, everything can take place now. I have all the ability and therefore obligation (response-ability) to take care of whatever needs to happen at this particular event.”

Insecurity stems from not appreciating the special strengths and gifts God has given you, and results in the need for external validation and approval of others. That in turns leads to arrogance, a false sense of self that ineffectively strives to fill the inner void of feeling good about oneself.

Developing Real Self-Esteem

Real self-esteem derives from a different source entirely:

“Part of belief in God is bitachon, trust, which is the belief that God loves us and is close to the Jewish People. That the Jew has a special relationship with God like a child with his father, who is loyal and trustworthy and it is in His ability and it is His will to benefit all who trust in Him.

“Trust is feeling in your heart that God loves you like a father loves a son, who wants only your good in every case. And integrate in your heart that you are a child of God, before you sinned and even after you have sinned. And that surely God will have compassion on you even if you are not worthy…

“This is what the Sages meant when they said: ‘In the merit of Emunah, belief in God, our forefathers were redeemed and in its merit they will be redeemed in the future’… that in the merit of the belief that we are God’s ‘firstborn son’ and have a special relationship with Him, and that no matter our spiritual state, we are always considered the king’s child, this is the secret of the redemption, for all of Israel as a whole, and for each individual’s personal redemption as well.” (Netivot Shalom, Rabbi Shalom Noach Berzovsky, Part 1, 2nd essay)

Rabbi Noach Bersovsky connects belief in God (Emunah) with the acquisition of a true sense of self and value.

Coming to the realization that God indeed exists is the first step in developing a relationship with Him. The second aspect of belief is to know that God loves us as His children, unconditionally, just like you love your children, or your parents love you. Even if we are sinners, imperfect, and have bad tendencies and character traits. Even if we consistently fail at reaching our goals and don’t seem to be living up to our potential, God loves us anyway. God created us with infinite potential and greatness in the form of our souls, and this is what should give us real self-esteem. If we are inherently Godly, beautiful, precious and good, we have value no matter what. And we can reach great heights because of that innate power.

This is what is meant by the statement “In the merit of Emunah our forefathers were redeemed (from Egypt) and in the merit of Emunah they will be redeemed in the future.” They were not redeemed because of their deeds, since the Jewish people at the time were on the lowest possible spiritual level. They were redeemed because they believed they were the children of God and that His love was unconditional.

That belief in themselves gave them sufficient energy and confidence to work and to attain spiritual heights, to the point where they could receive the Torah and experience a direct revelation of God only 49 days later on Mt. Sinai.

So too, we as individuals can reach our own personal redemption if we focus on the belief that we are the children of the Almighty, that we have at our essence a pure soul that yearns for Godliness, and that will be the impetus to work on ourselves and change.

If we see ourselves as failures, as inherently flawed, incompetent and hopeless, what are the chances we will be motivated to become better? This only leads to despair that we will ever add up to anything, so we just give up trying. However, if we remember that we are a child of the Almighty who loves us even when we are going off track, and that we are inherently good and full of potential and abilities, there is a much greater chance that we will stop the inappropriate behavior, get out of the rut and work on improving our character.

This is true trust. It is at the root of our self-esteem and at the root of our ability to love ourselves and eventually to love others “like yourself.”

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...