For my untempered heart

Choosing Fear

It is said that every action is done either out of love or out of fear. We eat healthy because we love our body or we eat healthy out of fear of getting sick. We may call our significant other because we want to express our love or we call because we fear losing them. We wear certain clothes because we love how they make us feel or we wear them because we fear not fitting in. We lose weight out of loving our bodies or we lose weight for fear of others not loving or accepting us. We strive to win out of the love of challenging ourselves or out of fear of being a failure.

I experienced both sides of that coin the other day after a group meditation.

The mediation inevitably ran long as most gatherings of people do. I was enjoying sharing everyone’s company and at the end of the evening I coincidentally ended up receiving some useful advice on writing and publishing. When I went out to my car, I could not believe how long I had stayed over the time I had told my family when I would be home. It really wasn’t a big deal; no one needed me for anything, and I was on cloud nine from the mediation and the new information I had procured. I checked my phone before heading home.

Two missed calls from my son and two missed calls from my husband.

I called my son back first.

Me: Hi honey!
Son: Hi mom!
Me: I’m so sorry I am running late. The group ran long but I am on my way home now.
Son: That’s OK, I was just checking on you to make sure you were ok. How was your meeting?
Me: It was wonderful. Thank you honey for asking and thinking of me….etc.

Then I called my husband.

Me: Hi. I’m sorry but it ran long. I just wanted to let you know that I’m on my way home now.
Husband: What have you been doing? (he says rather perturbed)
Me: Nothing, it just ran long. We all got to talking but I really learned a lot.
Husband: You were talking all this time?
Me: Well….(I go on the explain the evening’s events and none too happily as I have to justify why I’m late and my excuse that he apparently doesn’t seem to believe).
Husband: Why didn’t you have your phone with you?
Me: It was a meditation! You can’t have your phone going off while you’re mediating!

I don’t really remember any more specifics after that other than we started arguing and I eventually hung up on him.

I dreaded going home at this point. I was so happy just moments before. What the hell had just happened? I was really upset that he didn’t even care to hear about all my good news. I was even more upset that I felt like I was being controlled.

Two very different conversations with two very different outcomes. I believe one was out of love and one was out of fear. Fear prompted my husband’s actions. Fear of me leaving him, fear of me not needing him, fear of me meeting someone “better,” and deep insecurities so old that they have nothing to do with me.

But here I am. Here I am yet again with the universe showing me that this just isn’t working. And here I am again…waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know. I suppose I am waiting for the universe to slap me in the face so many times that I finally must surrender black and blue, or die.

It is said that every action is done either out of love or out of fear. We stay with someone because we love who we are with them or we stay because we fear hurting people, or because we fear not having enough money, or because we fear we didn’t try hard enough, or because we fear failing yet again, or because…

4 thoughts on “Choosing Fear”

I’m happy to hear about your experience, even if it did run a little late, but sad to hear of your husbands response. I’m kind of in the same boat. My boyfriend hates reading and writing and has NO interest in my passion. It’s okay though. I don’t write for him. I write for ME. There is a great book out there by Maryann Williamson called a Return to Love, where she explains the Love/Fear scenario in great detail. I would highly recommend it!! (If you haven’t already read it.) It may help you in the long run, and your husband too. Good luck! And get back to that euphoric self who was walking on sunshine. Doesn’t that feel so much better than letting any negative vibes take over your space? Have a good day!!

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Welcome,

My original focus here was to share my story of divorce, marriage and adultery in hopes to help others heal. In that process, I got a bit lost and detoured from my little sanctuary here for over a year. My heart and the literal joy it receives from bringing thoughts into something almost tangible, has brought me back. I just want to write about whatever lights my fire and whatever helps me grow with the deepest of intentions that someone found just what they were looking for. ❤