Writing for myself; hoping for sanity, redemption, and mercy. Using the letters on the keyboard as little life preservers.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Door No.4 Please

If he knew, when we met, that we would be going through this 23 years later would he still choose me?

This question crossed my mind and it is a question not worth asking, really, he knows what I want to hear and he is good about saying the important things.

He is pretty scared. He is very strong. He knows how to tuck our daughter in at bedtime.

He is not fully recovered from his surgery and he pressures himself to get better faster. I don't think it works that way, not with the brain.

So, to spell it out, the cancer has returned and it seems kinda pissed. Although two doctors read my petscan and told me all was swell, the biopsy told a different story.

I went to the doctor appointment alone. It was one of those things where she called me that morning and asked me to come in. I knew it wasn't good, but I didn't know how bad it could be. I thought, okay, I got a little cancer back, I'll just chemo and radiate again and finish it off. I've done it before, I can do it again. Well, turns out you can't do it again. They gave me the full allowable radiation the first go around and I'm not allowed to take any more. So she gave me three choices, which weren't really choices at all. 1) take chemo (but it's ineffective) 2) have a pelvic exenteration or 3) die within a year.

Uh, I'll put all my money on what's behind door #4 please.

If you don't know what a pelvic exenteration is, go look it up, cuz the details are too horrific for this particular post. I didn't even know they existed.

I live near Houston, Texas. People come to the medical center, from all over the globe, because we have the best doctors on the planet. MD Anderson is the cancer expert melting pot of the world. I have an appointment with them on Dec.12th to get a 2nd opinion.

Oh, turns out if you are gonna give someone the worst news they've ever heard, wearing lilac is a good idea. She had on her scrubs and they were the most beautiful lilac color, even her name stitched onto her front was another shade of lilac. It seemed to be something my mind was focusing on through the entire conversation. I tried removing myself from my body and viewing the conversation from afar; seems like a good skill to have at a time like this. No luck.

I will keep posting all my thoughts, scary and brave, while I am going through this. It's going to get graphic but I won't apologize. My not knowing pelvic exenteration exists is unacceptable; especially when I have cervical cancer and still didn't know it was a possibility. I did a lot of research on cervical cancer and this did not come up. I understand it is a difficult thing to talk about, and it may be embarrasing to some, or TMI, but it is a reality for a lot of people, most likely myself included. If I have to be a resource for other women in the future, I want them to know what's going to happen for better or worse.

2 comments:

Door number 4....We are laying in that big metal antique bed with the built in steel coil box springs in the middle of a field of wildflowers. We got that hot steaming coffee, (made just right magically) and a nice conversation going. The weather is perfect. A slight chill and a breeze, a big quilt of a perfect weight. The sheets are oh so comfy...honey suckle scent is in the air...and you know the drill. We hear that music from over the hill, a soft sweet melody growing louder. We know he is coming and we enjoy our coffee as we will get to him when he gets to us. We know he will understand. We pull up our feet making room for him to sit on the bed. We are ready for an hour or so of gental chatter, mixed with music and stories. He chats us up like only he can do. Ahhh now that is a frigging door number 4. How do we get on "Let's Make a Deal"?

hello

I like to laugh, but even more I like to make the people around me laugh. I like secrets, but I'm only good at keeping the really important ones, so I like sharing secrets even more. I like seeing the good in people, and overlooking their faults. I don't like being the pot that calls the kettle black. I love to read because I love being swept away to another place and time. I like learning new things, I like seeing old things in a new way.