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My favourite thing

(This sentence doesn’t make sense because there can only be one best thing as the word “best” implies so similarly there can only be one favourite thing but lemme get out of my head for a moment.)

While one of those favourite things is to find two adjacent parking lots and pretend I reverse parked.

(Watch me world. I’m really winning at this faking it till I make it thing.)

P.S: We don’t talk of parallel parking outside of driving school. Because here there’s only blood sweat and tears, accompanied by drives of shame to the other street corner, a whole block away from the building you need to enter.

ANYWAY

My other favourite thing is to call another human using my mobile device back and have them miss my call. Never give me this chance because this is GREAT! For me of course. Not so much for you. Because you see. I don’t want to have an awkward conversation about nothing. I only have so many hours in a day and we can both save us some time. I have levels of soda candy to crush (see what I did there?😎) And sadly for you not me, you have now given me all the ammunition I need to fire my preferred weapon of choice. This is called the I-tried-to-call-you-and-you-missed-it and now the reason this dreaded telephone conversation is not going to happen is all YOUR fault. Please please please don’t call me back. Because then I’ll be forced to do the polite human thing and call you back and pray that you don’t pick up and I’m not ready for this endless cycle of torture. Or worse, having you actually pick up and listen to all the nothing that you have to say before I make up the excuse of washing dishes to end our misery. (I never do dishes so if you’re reading this now. I’m sorry I lied but it had to be done.)

Likewise, picking up an unknown number’s call is like a game a Russian roulette in which all six rounds in the revolver are loaded. It’s just never who you need it to be. Or someone who you remotely want to talk to. No, it’s not that guy you had a moment with in Fruit n Veg. And the love of your life is certainly not going to enter your life because he or (she😉) got your number from an anonymous source he can’t reveal. (🙄). 11 out of 10 times this person is a creep.

Heck most of the time this is how my unknown phone calls go:

*Phone rings (note that I didn’t say iPhone rings😜)

*Alice looks at it like a stray animal that won’t go away.

*Alice also Remembers that CVs are all over the country and this might be a potential employer.

Alice: He- Hello?

Unknown: Hi who’s this?

Alice: *wtf? Did this person whom I’ve never made electronic contact with just ask me who I am? Who are they?* Uhm who did you call?

Unknown (who I now come to realise clearly doesn’t possess social etiquette or sufficient command of the English language): I’m (insert the lamest of names here like Ben) Who are you?

Alice: *In my best manly voice*

It’s Kevin.

*awkward pause*

*unclenches fist*

*heart rate stabilizes*

*posture relaxes*

YES, I HAVE CONFUSED THE ENEMY.

Unknown: *flustered* sorrywrongnumberbye.

-End-

*Unknown phone call after 6 in the afternoon and before 8 in the morning:

*silences ring and waits for potential death stalker to give up-

continues playing candy crush soda.

Alice lives another day

-End-

The invention of the telephone is great, but you see Connectivity has become Captivity.

Brb I just picked up the phone and now I can’t have my scheduled self-pity session because my “we should hang out some time” friend is outside .☹