Man carves chicken, turns into own father

Even as he did it, 34-year-old newlywed Martin Squire knew it was wrong and that he would soon lose all of his self-respect. But somehow the force of circumstances was just too strong for him. Now the realisation that he has now irretrievably become his dad is staring at him in the mirror every morning.

'My wife Jessica and I invited some friends over for dinner and she decided to roast a chicken,' Squire explained at a hastily convened press conference in Islington last tonight. 'I suppose it was partly my own fault for not challenging my own assumption that I had to carve, even though I played no part in cooking the meal.'

As he carved, Squires apparently entered into a dream-like state, then asked his life-long friend David Willis if he was a leg or breast man. Unable to halt the stream of consciousness, he then pointed to Willis's new girlfriend Emma Barstow and asked Willis if his bird needed stuffing. The dinner party broke up in chaos shortly after.

'With hindsight, he had been showing symptoms for some time,' Willis, 35, told a reporter. 'Recently he had started punctuating his speech with odd snippets of Goon Show dialogue, then he developed an alarming expertise in alternative driving routes across North London. And we had been friends for so long ... poor soul, I just pray this never happens to me.'

Added Willis: 'Are those silk stockings you're wearing? Phworrrr ... sorry poppet, awfully rude of me. Just popping out to the garage to check everything's all right. Can't be too careful these days, what with all these immigrants from Bulgarania or whatever it's called.'