12.17.2007

It appears that most of our readers are women who are not as interested in fantasy sports and dark humor as I am, so I am offering a post that will be more interesting to you, interactive and still interesting to the men in your life. If you are anything like Melanie, then you are obsessed with celebrities and their crazy antics. I will admit that I have thumbed through an occasional People, EW or National Enquirer before and been amused and disgusted with what celebrities get away with and why we are so fascinated with them. I would like to offer a bit of a challenge to you celebrophiles out there. Without further ado I introduce the first annual Smith Celebrity Death Pool. The object is to pick five famous people; they can be actors, musicians, athletes, politicians, etc. who you think will die in 2008. My list is:1. Amy Winehouse2. Fidel Castro3. Bob Barker4. John Madden5. Britney Spears

12.13.2007

Alright, well, I have heard the cries for details...so I will cave to peer pressure this one time, and one time only! :o)

Yes it is true, I am knocked up. Oh my parents will love reading that! (Hi Mom!). Not that they didn't know, just the using the "knocked up" terminology - that's something that would be expected to come out of Mark's mouth, not mine, right?

Anyway, so the details. I am approaching my 15th week of pregnancy and everything has been hunky dory. No morning sickness (or afternoon, or evening), no aversions to food, nothing more than pants that don't fit me so well anymore and occasional tiredness. So I can't complain, and just ask that those friends of mine who have had kids, or are pregnant currently, but haven't had it so smoothly don't hate me too much.

Our due date is June 8th (not too far into the hot, humid MN summers), but as my Mother so lovingly pointed out to me when I told her the news, "Just so you know Melanie, that is just an estimate. It might be earlier or later than that." (Thanks Mom!) You know I love you Mom. Not too many other details to really share. Mark is holding a gun to my head to make me find out gender, which won't be until the end of January or early February, so I might still have a little bit of time to change his mind. Although he always brings up my one weakness, and that is shopping. Of course I can shop more if I know if it is a boy or a girl, right?? So we will find out, and when we do, you'll all be the first to know.Well, not sure what else anyone wants to know...if I missed something, leave me a comment and I will be sure to answer it. Oh one thing, for those of you who see me, either regularly or intermittently, I just wanted to give everyone a pre-warning...don't touch my belly. Not that any of you would...I just wanted to cover that topic so that there are no hard feelings if I punch you in the face for rubbing the belly! I have never understood the need for people to touch other people's stomachs. Okay, maybe the father of the child, but a complete stranger?? Does pregnancy give random people on the street carte blanche to just rub your belly?? Not in my book. So if the urge ever comes over you to put your hand on my stomach - be warned, I can not be held responsible for what happens next (just ask Mark what happens if he tries to tickle my feet!). I am also not looking forward to the unsolicited baby advice everyone and their dog will try to give me. Well I might be interested in what the dogs have to say. I think if they can pop out a littler of like 8 puppies...they might know what they are talking about, and how cool would a talking dog be? I know, complete tangent (think I want a puppy maybe?).

It will be an interesting next few months, I guess my trip to Greece in March and Iceland in June are going to have to wait, aren't they? Thank goodness the folks live nearby so that we can drop of little GW (George Washington), John Rambo/John Wayne or Boone so we can go on vacation (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell Mark how RI.DIC.U.LOUS. all of those names are). That is a major reason why this child had better not be a boy!So, on a completely unrelated note, I discovered tonight that one of my previous co-workers is a sometime visitor to my blog, but he's never left me a comment to let me know. Just want to say hi to him (Hi Joe!!), hope everything is well! Tell the MCIB crew hi for me! Hopefully we will see you guys early next year!

12.07.2007

12.06.2007

Melanie’s previous post does not do justice to my utter disdain for certain new Christmas songs. Paul McCartney deserves a slow death from cancer, toothaches or rape for inflicting the world with that Christmas song. I would rather eat the Depends off the cast of Matlock than listen to that song again. How much coke does a douchbag have to do before writing those lyrics? I think Mark Chapman had Lennon and McCartney confused.

While on the topic, Melanie mentioned the second worst Christmas song of all time, Last Christmas by Wham. I would rather wear a crotchless thong to a Ricky Martin pool party than be subjected to hearing this song. The only redeeming quality of this song is that it reaffirms my heterosexuality. Any Christmas song is probably crap unless it is sung by Nat King Cole, I challenge you to find a better Christmas album. While on the topic, Mannheim Steamroller, Celine Dion (sorry Jay) and all other modern musicians should stop trying to change and improve Christmas music, and can we cut back on the schmaltz in new Christmas songs? Hey kid, your mom’s dying, I don’t think she really cares about getting new shoes. I will make two exceptions, Barenaked Ladies/ Sarah McLachlan version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Crash Test Dummies version of The First Noel.

Other pet peeves at Christmas time are the terrible movies that people watch; if it doesn’t have Jimmy Stewart or Ralphie, than it probably isn’t worth watching. The other night the Peanuts Christmas special was on TV and I realized what a weenie Charlie Brown is. Someone should smack that whiney little brat. Additionally, why do they have to remake Christmas classics? The original Miracle on 34th Street is perfect; it doesn’t need a new ending or a modern twist. Any Christmas movie with Tim Allen, Schwarzenegger, or Jim Carrey should be banned. I will make an exception for Die Hard which was awesome.

I like my Christmas traditions of waking up early to open presents, eating nothing but candy until dinner, and not putting on real clothes all day. Here are some trends that should be stopped:

Going to the movies on Christmas day. (This is the only day our Jewish friends have to enjoy the Chinese restaurants and movie theaters by themselves, let’s let them keep it.)

Opening presents on Christmas Eve. (If it’s not pajamas, it shouldn’t be opened.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I love the tradition, eggnog, chocolate, oranges, gift giving, good music, and being around family and friends. I miss the days when I was a kid and got to listen to my father tell the story of Christ’s birth before we went to bed, and I miss hearing his other Christmas Eve talk about how it was a tough year and we had better enjoy the presents we got, even if it isn’t exactly right, because if someone complains or makes Mom cry there will be hell to pay. I love getting to pick my annual pair of socks out of the tub at Grandma’s house for my Christmas present. I love big family dinners even if you have to put up with the a-hole uncle that everybody thinks is probably a child molester; food like baked turkey, smoked turkey, fried turkey, stuffing, pies, mashed potatoes, Nanaimo bars and Lindor Balls. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year when good people become even better and a-holes turn into even bigger a-holes. Please have a Merry Christmas (not Xmas or Holidays) and if I hear Sir Paul McDouches Christmas song again you may be seeing me on CNN.

12.04.2007

Grandma got run over by a reindeerwalkin' home from our house Christmas eve.You can say there's no such thing as Santa.But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog.And we'd begged her not to go.But she'd forgot her medication,and she staggered out the door into the snow. When we found her Christmas mornin,'at the scene of the attack.She had hoof prints on her forehead,And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.ChorusNow were all so proud of Grandpa.He's been takin' this so well.See him in there watchin' football,drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.It's not Christmas without Grandma.All the family dressed in black.And we just can't help but wonder:Should we open up her gifts or send them back?ChorusNow the goose is on the table.And the pudding made of fig.And a blue and silver candle,that would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.I've warned all my friends and neighbors."Better watch out for yourselves."They should never give a license,to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.ChorusChorus

I honestly don't know where to begin. After a 2 hour plus commute home yesterday (wouldn't you think Minneapolis could handle 3-5 inches of snow throughout the day?? Apparently not), we got off the bus and into the car, where the radio is tuned to the all Christmas song station (although I know Mark only listens to it because I am in the car - once I am gone, or that hideous Paul McCartney song comes on, he quickly turns the station). So as we drive home, the station comes back from break, and this is the song they play. I know this song gets played a lot, but I sat there thinking..."Why??" Is this a serious Christmas song? Mark pointed out that maybe it was written in jest...I say who cares, it is the stupidest song ever. Who writes a song about their old, medication-needing, drunk Grandma getting killed on Christmas Eve by a reindeer?? That is one home I do not want to be in on Christmas morning. Lovely how Grandpa deals with the death by watching football and drowning his sorrows in beer. I know that's what I would be doing if my Grandma was hooved (or would it be hoofed?) to death. I guess the moral of this song is that even if your loved ones bites the bullet on Christmas Eve, just hope that it is due to Santa or one of his reindeer...that way at least you'll know that Santa is real (hopefully he didn't lose any of your presents while he was busy killing your Grandma). How this song has anything to do with the actual reason, or even the commercial reason at the very least is completely lost on me. Why do stations play this song?? The WORST. THING. EVER. about this song? The fact that it has been stuck on repeat in my head since I heard it in the car 3 hours ago!! Nice. Thanks a lot.I was just going to ramble on about the stupidity of that stupid song, but I thought since I brought it up, I would do Mark the favour of sharing with the world his complete hatred (and I say that with the strongest emphasis possible of that word) for the ever popular Christmas ditty...

Just seeing those words typed here will probably send him into a subconscious-induced fit of rage, so hopefully none of his co-workers are within arms length of him. Just look at those lyrics...poetry! How Sir Paul came up with them is a mystery. This should be studied in English classes the world over!! Mark's hatred of this song runs so deep, that he would rather listen to his one other dreaded Christmas songs (which is one of my personal modern favourites - but I will spare the sprawl of lyrics) Last Christmas by Wham (LOVE it). He would also rather listen to any song by Swedish sensation ABBA AND Mr. Roboto by Styx. I think he would probably listen to any of these alternatives on a solid loop rather than hear Sir Paul wax lyrically on his Christmas enjoyment. Perhaps Paul shared a little of Grandpa's beer with him after Grandma was run over by a reindeer?As for me and Grandpa....I think we'll stick to the classics, accompanied by a few mandatory modern hits like the Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan collaboration. Of course Sir Paul's rendition is now making it's way through every nook and cranny of my grey matter. Thanks. I'll go to bed dreaming of murderous reindeer and wonderful Christmas times with the right spirit, the moon up and my banging my head against the wall hoping the songs will depart from my brain!!