Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3610

Gorilla Golf
A guy walked into a proshop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle every time!"
Everyone in the proshop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up.
"I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- six inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that? There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money."
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"
The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time." Tim H.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3611

Newlyweds
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!" Shaun R.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3612

The Best Pub
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five."
At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, saysm "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.
He replies "No, but my sister told me about it." Keith L.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3613

Signs You're Burned Out
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now. George H.

Friday

Joke
N°
3614

Thou Shall Not...
A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest is giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was! Nelson M.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3615

Gassy Granny
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..." Yan J.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3616

The Blonde and the Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." Henry H.