04/25/2011

I think it's that time again. I've been slowy but surely feeling the need to improve my body and mind. Perhaps it's because my 40th birthday is on it's way. Perhaps it's because I've been seeing the effects of bad eating and non-moving with my Mom. Whatever it is that's causing me to feel this way.... I welcome it.

I think I'll start by reading. Lots of reading to find out how I want to do this. I find the YOGA people to be really interesting. Is it Zen? Not sure but I like the calmness and the mindfullness they have. Peace.... I need a piece of peace.

I'm going to start researching this tonight. I think I have a few Yoga DVD's and I even have a stinkin' mat I can use. I'm all set. I just need to start. I'll be back with more information and perhaps a little more organization since this was an unplanned visit to this poor old neglected blog of mine. Kinda like my body... poor, old and neglected. :)

01/20/2009

I think it was my first entry for A Day A Weigh when I told you that I seemed to be a "Happy Cow" when things were going well in my life and then didn't eat when I was stressed or under pressure.

Well, I've been thinking about this alot, and I've come to the realization that it's totally crazy for me to think this. Let me explain what I mean and while I'm at it.... apologize if I get too personal. I've started this blog to try to help me be the person I want/should be and it seems to help to write it, share it and hear back from others who feel the same way. Here goes:

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I married my high school "sweetheart" when I was 17 years old. (Just in case you didn't get that.... let me spell it out... S.E.V.E.T.E.E.N YEARS OLD.) Still with me?

I moved eight hours away to Mobile Alabama, got a job as a photographer at Olan Mills and managed to do pretty good. My now ex-husband, we'll just call him Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverysecondhebreathes was in the Coast Guard and was away quite a bit..... so I pretty much lived on my own. (I liked it too!). My Mom & Dad taught me well since I went to work, paid my bills on time and managed to keep my apartment from buring down.

Moving along.... years later...

Now I live in New Jersey... 20 something hours away from home. Still okay... worked and had friends. But... this is when I think he started being Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverysecondhebreathes. Of course back then I was a mere 19/20 year old and was soooo young, trusting and naive.

And the Jack Ass knew it and began taking advantage of it. Looking back now..... of course I can see it all. In short.... there were times he was away training and would be "asleep" when I'd call his hotel room and would miss my call and even once when I had to take Pills for what the Coast Guard doctor called an "infection". Funny, he had to take them too.

Moving on...

Years later we had two sweet, precious baby boys. I can't describe how much they were wanted by me.... and how much I loved them. He loved em too..... but after my second boy was born things got worse. Without getting even more personal......... he lied, snuck, cheated and screwed me over more times than I know of. I knew things had to be going on but couldn't prove a thing.

Just imagine how hard that is knowing in your gut that the father of your boys was lying... but you couldn't prove it. When I started to really point fingers I got the " you're crazy" line. (And various other titles). So many times I'd talk myself down from the ledge of leaving using any excuse I could find.

I was stuck. My life went from feeling like the ugliest, fattest, craziest un-educated person ............to doing my best to be happy. I had many, many talks with myself over the years to relieve the guilt I felt over how I allowed him to treat me. Nobody really knew as I kept it all hidden the best I could. I was so alone.

Then one fateful day I had a friend tell me that he had a girlfriend. The shoe fell and hit me right on the head.

A year of "trying" to make it work, didn't work. After catching him on my computer looking at things that shouldn't be looked at ..... I had enough. He obviously wasn't trying.

I was obviously growing up. Finally.

On the way home from school I told the boys that we were going to be moving out of our house, back to our old town and into a different house without Daddy. I told them that we were still going to be friends but wouldn't be married anymore. I told them that we both loved them and that wasn't ever going to change.

My younger boy just started Kindergarten was sitting in the back of the car and said: "I don't like Daddy". My guilt vanished.

Almost two years later, after EVERYTHING was tried and after the last lie I could hear from him...... I called a lawyer and filed for divorce. I used my income tax return money and paid for it myself.

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The point I'm trying to make is, is that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That damn shoe was always dangling over my head threatening me with every windfall that blew my way.

There was always lots of wind.

I wasn't a happy cow..... I was a scared, tired, lonely nervous wreck that had to fool herself into thinking all was okay...... constantly.

Now, I'm married again. This time I was 32 and knew what the Hell I was doing. I wasn't going to let was Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverytimehebreathes to keep me from having what everyone dreams of. He wasn't going to win.

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But, here I am...... fat again. Am I still waiting for that shoe? I guess I am. I know that in my mind/heart that I shouldn't be because I chose well. I found someone who had character and loved me so much it was intoxicating. He loved my boys too... and they him.

It's hard to give him all of my trust. Not because of who his is of course, but because of who I am or worse yet...... who I was. I'm still that girl with shoes tangling above my head. I don't want to be her anymore.

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So, with all of this thinking...... I've come to a conclusion.

It's simple, I've got to knock it the Hell off. The shoe is there...... it will always be there but until I feel the wind blowing....... I'm going to see it as tied very tightly to that electric pole and will not worry about it falling.

What kind of life am I to have with constant anxiety? And how fair is it to my Angel of a Husband for me to feel this way?

So, this is my new plan. I'm going to:

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.

Did ya'll know Mark Twain said that? He did. He was a smart man.

It's more than likely not going to be as easy as I make it sound but I'm sure gonna try. In fact, I've been trying for a week now and can already see a difference in my self esteem and with my relationship with my man.

It's real nice. I like it.

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(Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverytimehebreathes update: He is now engaged to his third wife who is almost 10 years younger than he. Last week was my younger sons birthday to which he gave him $20.00 as a gift...... but "forgot it" at his house. He lies to his kids too. That's a whole nother blog entry!)

*I have to let you guys know that my boys know nothing of what happened between us. I have kept it to myself all of these years to keep them from feeling like they have a piece of crap for a Dad...... I believe they are slowly but surely figuring this out for themselves. In the meantime..... they have their StepDad who is almost a hard ass to them but expresses his love and desire for them to be good men. They get their stability and character from our household. Slowly but surely, they'll figure this out too*

*They also know nothing of this blog.... I love them too much to share this crappy information!

01/13/2009

I'm finding out through my little bouts of research that fiber is the Mack Daddy of weight loss/management. This past week, I've tried to incorporate a source of fiber into every meal...... I feel really good about it too. Let me explain in easy moron-friendly terms what fiber can do for us!

What is fiber? Fiber is plant based..... this means it's found in plants, duh. It's the parts of the plant that can't be digested by our bodies. Kinda like gum. When we eat fiber, it kinda sorta acts like a bulldozer..... pushing out all of the crap we shouldn't/wouldn't want sticking around in our intestines. (Sorry about the crap part, I totally didn't mean it!). It passes through our bodies leaving no nutrients or calories....... yet is very healthy for us.

Why is fiber so healthy for us? Well, fiber helps keep you regular and helps fight diseases. Carcinogens bind to it and will move out of our bodies faster. We don't need no stinkin' carcinogens hangin' around in there for sure. Also, it attracts fat and moves it on out...... allowing less to be absorbed.

How can Fiber help me lose weight? Fiber keeps you feeling full longer by staying in our bodies longer & slowing down digestion. For example, 1 slice of whole wheat bread can be more filling than 2 slices of white bread.

Where can I find this fiber stuff? Let's start off by learning what doesn't have fiber. Meat and dairy contain no fiber and refined grains have had most of theirs removed. The best bet for us wanting to increase our fiber content is to eat more whole and natural foods. In other words.... stay away from processed foods. Here are a few examples of good sources of fiber:

Legumes: Dry beans, peas & lentils

Vegetables: mostly like broccoli, carrots, celery

Fruits: Seedy kinds are great like berries

Brown rice: love this stuff!

How do I know if what I'm eating has fiber? Read the dadgum label. Look for the fiber content on the back of the box/bag. What you want to aim for is 20-35 grams of fiber per day. (This is for healthy adults on a 2000 calorie a day diet. Children should eat their age + 5 grams/day).

You can't just rely on looks. For instance, some wheat breads have the same amount of fiber as white breads. Just because it's brown doesn't mean it's healthy......... they add molasses and colorings to the dough. The same goes for cereals! Tricky little bastards!

What's the deal with fiber & insulin? Ah, good question! Eating more fiber keeps our insulin levels consistent rather than having it spike throughout our day. White rice and bread are just two examples of what can cause our insulin to spike. When we eat things like this...... it turns into sugar which causes our bodies to say......... "Yo home girl, you gots enough energy hanging around..... I thinks I'm gonna keep a hold of some of dis here fats you gots instead of using it for energy. Word." See? And then..... this crazy sicko cycle starts going on ...... when your insulin drops...... which it will........ you get tired and hungry and then guess what........ YOU GO AN EAT MORE CARBOS/WHITE STUFF/SUGAR and poof.... your body starts yelling profanity at you and begins calling you names like "Tub-o-Lard" and "Jelly Belly".

We don't want that do we? Do we?

So, I should go and eats tons of fiber, now... today? Hold up my shizzles........ don't go nuts and shove the fiber down your throat. Let's be grown ups and do it the right way. Ease into the new fiber lifestyle. If'n you don't ....... guess what'll happen.... you'll get gas and diarrhea.

*Heed my warning..... diarrhea and gas DO NOT make good guests. We all know what can happen when we mix these two together... yes ladies........ we SHART! Nobody want to be a sharter....... nobody.

*Also, be sure to drink lots of water when eating your fiber or you'll find yourself on the toilet trying to cram out a rock hard turd......... you can get constipated without the drink.

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Now, just a little help to get you going....... no, not that kind of going..... I mean to help you get started eating more fiber. Some ideas, that's all.

Eat salad... try a little bowl before you eat supper. Add good lettuce along with celery, carrots and bell pepper. (Baco's does not contain fiber ya'll!)

Chili.... Dude, I loves me some chili. Cut down on the meat a bit and add more beans. They're good for your heart too, you know.

01/07/2009

This is the deal......... pick three small changes that you can do without major upheaval in your daily life. The whole idea behind these small changes is to allow them to add up over time and to make them small/easy enough for them to become new habits or a new way of life.

For instance, if you were to stand while folding laundry rather than sitting..... you'd actually burn a few more calories than you normally would. Over a week or a months time..... these calories add up. Another example is to cut out one can of soda per day. If you're like me....... there are days that I can down 3 cans of Dr. Pepper without thinking........ just taking one can away per day will cut 1050 calories a week. That's 4200 calories in a months time. DAng!

So, here are my small changes.... keep in mind, these are to be simple.... so no snickering!

1. Sucking in the gut! I found this article with an explanation on the correct way to do it. I read that you can lose up to 2" in a month by doing the "vacume pose". Just call me Hoover!

2. Fiber..... I'm going to add something extra that contains fiber to at least one dish a day. I've been doing this here and there by adding zuchinni to my chili & spaghetti sauce and cooking brown rice instead of white rice. But now, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! (More on fiber soon!).

3. Cutting back on soda. I would like to only drink my Dr. Pepper when I'm off shopping or on my way somewhere...... just not at home. I want it to become a treat once agin, rather than a mainstay of my daily beverage intake. I shall me ye, my delicious Dr. Pepper!

That's it.... these are my three small changes that I'm hoping will become my three new habits!

01/04/2009

Your body is approximately 60 to 70 percent water. Water is needed to regulate your body temperature, transports oxygento all of your cells, and helps remove waste. It keeps our skin, nails, and hair healthy. It helps muscle tone and reduces fat deposits. It also assists in weight loss. It naturally suppresses your appetite and helps your body to metabolize your stored fat. Dehydration is also one of the most common causes of fatigue during the day

Then read this.... and drink a couple more!

Water suppresses the appetite.

Water metabolizes fat into energy.

Increasing water input, reduces fat deposits.

The body will not function properly without enough water and can not metabolize stored fat efficiently.

Retained water shows up as excess weight.

To get rid of excess water, one has to consume more water.

Drinking water is essential for weight loss.

Water helps muscle stimulation.

It is important to drink water before and after exercise.

One should drink two quarts of water

You might need to read this..... then drink some more!

1. Keep a daily record to mark your water consumption.

2. Keep a pitcher containing your 8 glasses of water and finish it during the day. Do not go to bed unless you have finished that pitcher.

3. Keep 8 glasses of water and spread out during the day. For example:

- 1 glass of water after brushing your teeth, or- 1 glass of water with breakfast or after breakfast- 1 glass of water before leaving home- 1 glass of water mid morning- 1 glass of water 30 minutes before lunch- 1 glass of water after lunch- 1 glass of water mid afternoon- 1 glass of water 1 hour before dinner- 1 glass of water after dinner- 1 glass of water while exercising- 1 glass of water after exercising

By any means, if you are thirsty or wanting to drink more than 1 glass of water at any time of the day… be my guest! Drink that water.

4. Keep bottles of water visible, either the equivalent of 1 glass or 2 or more glasses, on your desk.

5. If you work 8 hours daily, make it a custom to drink every other hour 1 glass of water, or every hour. It depends on your time management and lunch schedule.

6. Have bottle of waters in the car, your room, your desk, living room… just in every room you go. Also carry one in your purse, backpack, and gym bag. It will serve as a reminder and you will drink that bottle of water to flush those toxins!

7. If you drink juice, try to combine it with water. Sometimes, juices are extremely sweet.

8. Whenever you feel craving for junk food, stop for a moment and grasp one glass of water. It will help you feel full.

9. Add lemon or orange slices to your glass of water.

10. You may drink 1 glass of water before lunch and one after finish eating.

11. If you are working full time, try to have at least 4 glasses of water during the day. Two hours before leaving work, check how many glasses you drink. If you are missing one or two… you can finish those while driving.

12. Keep a bottle of water handy while watching TV or doing the laundry. You can also have a glass of water after going to the restroom. This will replenish your system.

13. You can use a big bottle with ounces indicator to keep record of your water intake. For example, a 32-oz bottle with 8-oz measures will provide you with 4 glasses of water.

I don't know about you but, I think I have to pee! Tomorrow is my water drinking like a fool day. I plan to drink my Wal-Mart brand Strawberry Crystal Light as well as water.... it' s yummy!

01/03/2009

I thought and thought and thunk all day yesterday and all day today about how I need to change the stress levels in my life. As I was doing the dishes it dawned on me......

I need to find balance.

It makes so much sense, doesn't it? Balance is the key to so much in the universe so why shouldn't it be here in my little home with my family & myself? In order for me to gain something I want/need, then I must give up something in return. Right?

I looked up a little on finding balance in one's life and I found the following the most interesting and the most fitting to my life.

Say no to the unimportant.... as a woman, is this possible?

Simplify your life.... need to think on this one.

Get organized.... what in the Hell is that?

Routine.... I crave one.

Exercise & health.... working on it!

Live in the present... yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet.

Live repectfully..... character & integrity are important to me. Very!

Spirituality.... get back into getting to Mass regularly. I love how it sets my week and clears my mind.

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Tomorrow I'm starting on reducing the stress in my life. To begin .... I'll be getting to church with my sweet family and sit by them with pride. When I get home I'll get busy on organizing my week by doing this:

Laundry, for me, Darren and the girls. By doing this, Darren will have clean socks every morning..... the girls will have clean jammies, and I'll have something nice to wear everyday. And I can sleep.

Plan meals..... by doing this, I'll not have to stare at the cupboard at 4pm every night wondering what the heck I can make with a can of beans and salt.

01/02/2009

These picture's weren't taken 20 years ago, or ten years for that matter. They were taken five short years ago and damn, have I aged! How can a person go from this sweet, tanned, toned hottie to this:

Great googaleeee moogalee! Let's think outloud, shall we?

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I used to think I was a stressed out non-eater and a happy cow. Translation...... I wouldn't eat when I was stressed such as during my divorce and would eat like a cow when I was happy such as when I was off with a friend or sister. HMmmmm? Looking back at my life now I can see it a bit differently.

When those pictures were taken, I was recently divorced. HMmmmmm? I found independence...... got atattoo and was on my own with my two boys. HMmmmmm? I was dating several guys that were totally awesome and was having the time of my life. I worked at a job that I loved with friends that I loved and had time for myself. HMmmmm? I remember that I would spend time in the tub soaking and when I got out I would slather down my freshly shaved legs and toned body with lotions that smelled girly. I would go to the tanning bed after work and spend 20 mintutes listening to music and relaxing. I had my boys to myself and we had a nice little life.

Then, I met my Darren ........ I weighed 152 pounds and wore a slightly baggy size 12, which sounds huge to some of you so you must know that I'm 5'8" and a 12 wasperfect. We fell in love instantly.... I heard he told someone that he loved me the first night we met.... I think I did too. Eight months later we married:

and I had already gained close to 20 pounds! Happy cow, right? Stay with me here.

Ten months later, I had Amelia Claire. Darren had changed jobs twice by then and I stayed home to raise my kids. More weight was adding on and not coming off. Still a happy cow.

We moved and Darren was laid off. He found a job a month later and things got better. I opened a quilt shop with my Mom & sister.... cut the top of my thumb off, had a horribly sad miscarriage, conceived again, closed my shop and moved it home...... had Avonlea four months ago. Now, I have laundry piles for six people, five minute showers, hair that is quick to fix, slighty hairy & very white legs, bills out the ying yang and a flap of fat that hangs over my latest c-section scar. And POOF...

Here I am weighing 209 pounds!

Happy cow? Maybe not. Let's evaluate:

Skinny me seemed to havetime. Lots of time. Back then it didn't feel like it but compared to now..... time stood still. I had time for myself and used it on myself......... it was nice. I had a little paycheck that paid my bills and took me & my boys to the beach a few times a week during the summer. (Beaches are free).

Flubbery me.... hasn't any spare time. I can't even pee without little knuckles hitting the bathroom door asking me for a drink. Everyday I have something to do or somewhere to go, for someone else. My paycheck.... is my Etsy money & child support and to be honest.... it isn't covering my bills. And, the last time I was alone with my husband was our anniversary last March.

I'm starting to rethink the whole happy cow thing. I'm thinking that I may be a stress eater. Just thinking that I might need totweak things around this joint. HMmmmmmm?

I'm gonna take some time out tonight to give this some thought and get back with you tomorrow with my tweaks.

How about you?

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.Wayne Dyer

01/01/2009

Please believe me when I say..... this isn't easy. Have a seat and protect your eyes from what you're about to see..... your retina's may singe a bit.

Me.... all of me.... head to toe...

View #1

~Did I add the baby to prove I just had a baby or maybe to distract you?~

View #2:

~That's our cat Eisenhower, not something coming from my butt~

Phew.... gladder than Hell that's over. I didn't take my measurements today as it was just impossible to get done ..... but I promise I will tomorrow.

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I just read over my blog entry from yesterday and WOW, was I a downer! I don't want ya'll to think that I only feel that way about myself because I don't. I do have qualities that I like about myself and I realize that in order to boost this poor old self esteem of mine, I should focus on those more often. So, I'm gonna try and list some now....

1. I like my nose. It's cute and it has no bumps or humps.

2. I like my legs, well..... they aren't as hubba hubba as they used to be but they're long and have nice shape.

3. No matter how damn fat I get, I still have a waisty hourglassy shape. (Sorta like a pear.... I think)

4. I like to laugh. Alot. I like to make others laugh and think I'm pretty durn funny too. (I move next day!)

5. I make cute stuff with my sewing machine.

6. I have raised some truly great kids. They have hearts, minds and love God.

7. I cook good.

8. I'm a safe driver...... never in an accident. (I was backed into once, totally not my fault!)

9. I don't eat tons and tons of sweets.... but I can pack away meat and taters!

That's all I can think up at the moment. Not as many as I thought I could come up with..... and looking back at them now..... #9 for example, I had to add a bad aspect to it. Geez..... something to think about.

So, for those of you following along with me...... try and make yourselves a list of the things you like about yourself. Do your best to leave off the negatives..... #9 for example. We're going to improve this list this year even if it kills us. We can love ourselves again...... I truly believe it!

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Tomorrow I will get on my "dreadmill" and walk for 20-30 minutes. My boys are home and I'll ask them to listen out for Avonlea while she sleeps because I plan on jamming to my Bad Mama Jamma Ipod music that I downloaded tonight! I don't think the time will be as horrible if I am listening to Silly Love Songs, Ring my Bell, You are the Woman, Undercover Angel, You're my Best Friend and more!

Wicky, wicky! (I'm scratching my turntable when I type that!)

Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.

12/31/2008

I've really been thinking hard about myself lately and the person I've sludged into. I'm 37 years old and I'm ashamed of myself and the excuses I lean on to live this way. Lot's of excuses and dadgumit.... I've had enough. When am I going to grow up and realize that I'm getting older and everything I do, say, eat and think will affect my life as an older person?

I'm ashamed that I've allowed my body to become flubbery..... I did "just" have a baby four months ago, but to be honest..... I was flubberish before gettting pregnant with her. She can't be my excuse any longer.

I'm ashamed that I'm sitting at the computer typing about change with a Dr. Pepper next to me at 7:40 am..... that can't be good for my body.

I'm ashamed that I get no physical exercise AT ALL. EVER!

I'm ashamed that my bedroom is messy. As a grown up woman, shouldn't I have this in check by now? I leave crap everywhere....... I'm a walking disaster.

I'm ashamed that I wake up thinking about what I want for breakfast and it's usually crap.

I'm ashamed that I can't stick to a diet for very long and eat just to eat, not because I'm hungry.

I'm ashamed that I feel uncomfortable nakedwith my husband. (Okay I'm lying here..... I haven't gotten naked in front of him since before getting pregnant with my 4 year old..... I'm not smart enough to find a word strong enough for the way I feel when naked.... or even semi-naked.... or dressed. Really, it's that bad!)

I'm ashamed that my self esteem is at an all time low. I've made myself this way...... nobody else has.

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I could go on and on but I won't. I know my faults can be changed..... all I have to do is change them. Habits can be broken and lifestyles can be improved..... period.

This blog/journal starts today. I have actually written out a plan of action and will never ever use the words diet or goal. I hate those two words more than you can imagine..... dont' you? I will post a before picture of my entire flubber body tomorrow along with my weight and measurements. (I'm pissing my pants just thinking about this but pissing is good...... it's water weight after all.)

I want to dive into sooo many subjects that I'm thinking will help me improve...... sorta kinda like thinking out loud. I'm not a professional writer and have never ever stepped foot into a college classroom so please overlook my grammer, punctuation and over-use of these things.......... and these things (). I use them alot.

Here's what ya'll can expect:

Weekly weigh in. Just to see if what I'm changing is making a difference.

Once a week recipe: adding more fiber and reducing bad stuff with taste.

Lots-o-pictures to add interest.

There you have it! Tune in tomorrow and we'll give it a go. It's now or never people...... PEOPLE! I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. The Lord gave us this one chance to make ourselves the best persons we can be and we're wasting our time....... or at least, I am!

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living". Gail Sheehy.