CEO DAD’S TUESDAY TIRADE

The book that Tom Stern has released, which describes how he came up with my character, CEO DAD, comes out at the end of the week, and I couldn’t feel more powerless if I was a drawing trapped in the panel of a comic strip. Which of course is what I am. It’s not my fault I’m a work-obsessed packaging-peanut magnate with an over-inflated sense of my own importance—Tom Stern created me that way. And now, my foibles will be dragged through the mud just so millions of readers can have a good laugh at my expense, and perhaps learn something about their own foibles in the bargain. Well, let me tell you, it’s not easy being the mouthpiece for Tom Stern, a man who is working out his own issues with work-life balance through me. I may not see a lot from my perspective on the drawing board, but Tom Stern is not exactly a paragon of balance himself. Just the other day, he tried to simultaneously eat a tuna sandwich, close a deal, watch a Disney video with his daughter, and present his wife with flowers for their anniversary. Things did not go well. Let’s just call it the “mayonnaise incident.”

Not only that, Tom has created for me a family that only accentuates my shortcomings: a son with ADD, a daughter who is becoming more of an overachiever than her own father, and a wife who seems to be the only one with any common sense. I ask you, does this seem like a believable situation to you? Okay, maybe it does, but that’s not the point. No, the point is that just because I’m part of a humorous, satirical comic strip, all the blame for the lack of work-life balance in the family gets put squarely on my shoulders. And, because I am consistently written to behave like a clueless moron, that blame seems completely justified. At least I can trust all of you discerning readers to know that the emotional scars in our life cannot all be traced to our parents. Gym teachers and telemarketers have got to take some of the blame.

Anyway, good luck with your book, Tom. And while you’re busy crisscrossing the country promoting it, don’t let your wife near this bald man’s drawing board, that’s all I can say.