It's 10 pm. Do you know where you and your loved ones are?
Here is a collection of experiences from those who live / have lived with an obsessive MMOG gamer and from those who have lived the experience of obsessive MMOG gaming.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

"My wife and I had lived together for the past four years. I notice right off the back that she was't like most women when it came to video games and computers. She played longer than I did and got more excited about graphics and what not. About 1 month into the relationship she re-installed the sims game into our computer. I watch as she played for 12 hours a day both days on the weekend. I was highly concerned ... put off that she had done this, but even I have indulge myself for hours playing a video game or doing fantasy sports on the computer, but that was the first time. First Red Flag.

Well for the next couple years this became a pattern you would a get a new game play it for a couple weeks straight and then she would go back to life as usual.It would happen about 12 times a year and we argue some when it would happen.

But then she got into a whole new avenue of computer debauchury. She became addicted to message boards.... She ran a message board and her level of committment was at an all time high being on the computer 3 to fours a night....Well four months ago we finally got married....The Day we got back from our honeymoon my wife heard about a Star Wars on line Game where you innerect with other people. It was in the same calibur of the games she used to get addicted to for a couple weeks at a time like Morrowind and Fable.

'Uh oh,' I thought at the time. It was the beginning of August 05.

She began talking about this game all the time. She would a couple hours a night for the first couple as she figured the game out, but then it happenned. The two world united. Her gaming addiction and her message board need for on line community addiction joined forces. She began play four hours a day, five hours a day....

And then her world became this Star Wars world. For the past three months straight this is my wifes schedule. She works from 8 a.m- and gets home around 6 p.m. Then from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m and sometimes up to 4 a.m she playes her star wars game. To her credit and for this only will I give her credit, she does stop for my child's basic needs that I'm not doing. Diaper changing, feedings, putting him to sleep. Changing the channel or DVD. And occasionally she will make a dineer that might take her 30 minutes to do. But aside from that and the occasional laundrt every two weeks she only games. Spends zero time with me.

This is the pattern that my wife and I get into. She plays a couple of days straight and I get real pissed. I fight with her about it.

She says, 'Why would I want to spend time with you when all you do is put me down and fight with me.'

My response is, 'The reson why we fight is because you play that damn game all the time.' Its like a catch 22.

I get so fed up and she tells me the reason why she keeps playing partly because i tell her I don't want her too. So we usually fight really bad about it. I say a lot screwed up things like 'I've lost respect for her.' Then I feel bad we make up. we never have make up sex. Our make up routine is I shut up about for the next five days while she goes even more hay wire playing the game. Finally I hit a place again we fight. i say more screwed up things we make up I'm quiet again for the next five days. This is our cycle.

My wife and i have not been intimate in 3 months. We have only had relations twice since our honeymoon. About three weeks ago i privately logged her hours during a one week span. I did this because she claims she doesn't play as much as I say. In one week she played 58 hours.

I often wake up at two three in the morning and she is not in bed and is playing the game.

Last night. this is the night of my first post. I woke up at 5:30 and she still wasn't in bed. I went to her. She said she had trouble sleeping and was planning on staying up all night. She works on saturdays.

I really don't know what to do. This is killing my relationship. It breaks my heart constantly. I feel very alone in this being a guy. my friends absolutely think my wife is crazy and cannot relate on any level. I don't know what to do."

8 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Option A)I would log on her account and delete her characters one night.

Option B) The next time you find her online at 3:00 am grab a Louisville Slugger and smash the monitor.

Option C) Book a trip to somewhere she's always wanted to go and has never been. Get her interested in researching things to do while you go visit that destination. Restaurants, historic sites, museums. It might divert her attention and get her grounded to reality once more.

Personally, I would go with Option B. If you want to piss her off like nothing you've ever seen do option a. Losing her toons after all that grinding and questing and all the items she's gotten for her characters will drive her BERSERK!!! But there's a chance she might get her characters restored. I just love the shock value of Option B and the whole putting your foot down.

I have a feeling Option B would absolutely backfire... first of all, any woman would feel threatened by that. Second of all, if complaining already drives her to play (apparently), how much would an action such as Option B do to her?

Wow, I know how you feel, except it was my husband and it was about 3 months after we got married. Things are much better now but boy did we travel a long and windy road to get where we are. You can read my whole story at My Story the only thing I would add is (since my story was post in June) to talk about it when you are both having a happy moment.

If you bring it up without sounding accusatory and argumentative and really let her know how you feel (neglected, etc.) and propose a solution (making at least one day sacred for each of you, maybe one whole day is hers to play, and one other day is a game-free day. Maybe another day is a going out on a date day).

It took a while but eventually my husband 'got it' and saw it from my point of view. Now he still plays but when I need him he's there for me.

The computer needs to go. Pull the hard drive and hide it while she's at work. Hand it to a friend and tell him you're not to get it back for a week, minimum. You guys can live without the computer, trust me on this.

When she gets home and it doesn't start up, she'll freak. The two of you can then start discussing appropriate adult behavior in a mature relationship.

interesting..gamer widow, gives the best tips out of the other clowns. make sure u have a plan, ie when u have a arguement try to resolve the problem in a calm productive manner and not turn it into a whose right and whose wrong. resolve it right away even if its a slow process, not over a long period of time and get her to share what is really bothering her which may not be easy.be extra sensitive in what u say and do. i understand how much this problems bother u and i know how much u love her...tell her what u want instead of getting frustrated. she must be a special women to be able to take care of the kid,cook occasionaly, work, and stil have time for games :) so pls understand it from her point of view too :) computer is an escape for her or maybe something deeper mentally. and no she is not crazy u jus need to support and help her and joining her occasinaly for gaming wil not hurt either.

it is a coincident that i found this site doing a mmorpg research for my school and yes i am into gaming too. i could go on forever but i think i better stop here and wish u the best. and take care i may drop by something :)

I would absolutely recommend *against* any of the above 'cold turkey' type solutions. Killing the pc, or deleting her characters will basically present her with a harsh, sharp 'It's the game or me' type choice which is unlikely to go in your favour, since by doing so you are 'The Enemy'.

The key is understanding her addiction, and what drives it. Although obviously not 'real', the Star Wars game presents her with a world that is far more prefereable than this one. It is a bright, consequenceless world in which she feels beautiful, because no-one is anything but. She is surrounded by like-minded people who only know her only for what she chooses to present them, rather than who she really is. She is presented with clearly defined and simplistic 'life' goals to achieve, which engender a 'quick-fix' of self-worth. Nothing hurts, takes much actual effort, is that difficult or costs any serious amount of time or money.

It can seem a kind of utopia compared to the harsh, dirty, ugly and often pointless Real World outside. It is escapism, and without a PC, she is quite likely to simply find another, similar, avenue of escape.

Gamer Widow offers the best advice; patience, understanding and an acceptance that it is going to take time to get to the point where she no longer needs to escape. I wouldn't go as far as calling it a mental illness, but gaming addiction is more than mere selfishness.

Start by learning a bit about her game; Star Wars: Galaxies. This may sound counter-productive at first, but it will provide you both with a common topic of conversation that doesn't involve argueing. At the moment, she largely exists within the game, so taking an interest in that, is taking an interest in her.

Then once you are chatting aimiably about lightsabres and whatnot, you can begin to gently steer her to other more normal topics and start to pique her interest in real things...restaurant, holidays, etc.

Once you have a better level of communication, without perceived judgement or recrimination, you will cease to be this tyranical ogre bent on ruining her fun in her eyes, and it will become a lot easier to start setting out boundaries and time for each other, and accepting them, but right now, she simply isn't capable of passing up on the game for a day, without resenting it, and you for making her do so.

She is unlikely to ever reach a point where she will *never* play online games again, but certainly a balanced and healthier approach to them is achievable, although it will take time and work from you both.

Good luck, whatever happens, and take some consolation in the fact that the Star Wars game recently went through a massive set of very unpopular changes, turning it into a very different kind of game altogether - one she may no longer like.

My gaming habits interrupted my new marriage also. My wife is a very grin-and-bear-it type person, so she never confronted me directly. I could tell though that it didn't make her happy when I was online. At first I tried to get her into gaming too, thinking it wouldn't be as bad if we played together, but this just led to silly fights when she would screw up in game. Finally I realized this was hurting my wife and so I quit playing.

I have found that I have an "addictive" personality. When I get into something, I get into it ALL THE WAY. Since I quit playing, I've started reading again and pursuing other more "meaningful" hobbies.

Just get her away from the game for awhile. Hopefully with some distance she will see things more clearly. Take a small vacation. Visit your parents. Camp. Anything. If you can't afford time off from work, then I would recommend hiding the computer.

If you truly remove the computer out of love for your wife, not out of spite or anger then hopefully she will see how much you care. If she can't see past her gaming habit, then she may truly be addicted and need professional help.

Shes gotta help herself too. If shes not willing to change then this is the life your going to live. Its a form of neglect on her part. Addicts will find a way to make it seem like they have no choice but to play or drink or whatever. You gotta do what is best for you and yours.