Liberals

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Liberals (also known as libtards and lieberals) are a group of outsiders and infidels. They are nosy, persistent, and ask lots of questions. What they especially question is the idea cherished by all real patriots that people in power seek noble ends based on superior knowledge. No one yet knows why liberals can't get that idea through their thick skulls.

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Being able to spot a Liberal is a careful skill requiring long hours of practice. Through the collective experience of many Liberal-spotters over a long period, we are able to present to you the signs that you spotted a Liberal:

The proper way to discuss "Liberals" as a group (other than using profanity) is to say "Liberal" next to the word "elite". We all must do our part to thwart the Liberal elites, such as a panhandler or disabled person, just in case any of them ever get treated in a way that raises them above the level of a doormat. Otherwise, everyone would be banging on the door asking for their rights! It would be the 1960s all over again! Do you want that? I hope not! Our Liberal Overlords are a threat to hard-working people, and they must be stopped.

All of these people are not part of what in any country would call The Silent Majority (also known as The Majority), a group of men and women who form a much greater majority than the Liberals and form the real patriots of any nation. While they are silent, their presence had been noted historically by politicians such as the late President Richard Nixon (who has now joined The Majority), who offered it as a reason for continuing the war in Vietnam. Indeed, while the Silent Majority are silent, and have no spokesperson, they vastly outnumber the Liberals, and are silent with good reason: they are all dead.

Dead people are a potential and untapped tour de force in the political process, benefiting both Liberal elites and Conservatives. One man, Mel Carnahan, won a senate race in Missouri against John Ashcroft, back in 2000 after crossing the floor to join The Majority. Dead people have also been allowed to vote as well, many placed on the Florida voter rolls when George W. Bush got elected. So, while they are silent, the dead are the real patriots running the country, voting and passing legislation. The Liberal elites, however, have so far successfully blocked all attempts at getting members of The Majority elected as president of the United States, or as governor of any of the 50 states of the Union. While some American Presidents have joined The Majority while in office, no president has been elected while a member of The Majority.

Liberal ideals are barely tolerated by the rest of us, who must all be on our guard and watch every move of those Liberal elites with the most intense suspicion.

Liberal elites operate from the premise that all democracies must be governed with the consent of the governed. Like most liberal ideals, the Silent Majority is left out, since the dead can do as they damn well please. So, we can toss out much of John Locke.

John Stuart Mill's love of free speech was tolerated only because he liked free markets. So, we can forgive him for the free-speech screw-up. We all make mistakes.

John Maynard Keynes showed his Liberal Elite Commie self when he defined capitalism as being made up of a band of thieves and prostitutes who steal and whore themselves for the good of us all. But that is fine, he continues, for in the long run, we all join The Majority. While we don't like what he says, he does show that as part of the life cycle of a human being, that later in our lives, we come around to our senses and join the Majority. Good on him for that, but he slanders capitalism in the process.

What the Liberal Elites don't realize is that the reason their votes don't matter is because their numbers are swamped by members of the Silent Majority. And, in some cases that allows one man to vote more than once. Let's take a look at the following scenario. Say that some guy goes into a polling station, and votes. As he leaves, he might drop dead, and then what? Current legislation says nothing about whether he can now vote as a member of The Majority. Future legislation is under way to allow dead people to return to the voting station to register their vote, even after they had just voted and dropped dead within the same voting period.

Police friendly to the Liberal elites were holding back protestors from The Silent Majority near the Washington Monument in 1999, one midnight during a full moon. They were demanding equality and voting rights denied of them by their Liberal overlords.

Since the powerful Liberal elites, clearly in the minority of any population of the world, have endorsed policies that clearly discriminate against The Majority -- many of whom are honest, hard-working dead people and cannot speak for themselves -- In United States, this has forced the living opponents of Liberal elitism, known as Conservatives, to form the Republican Party, a mere splinter group of The Majority, most of whom died before The United States gained independence. The Republicans do the bidding of The Majority, thus taking the ideal and spirit of democracy to heart, since any democratically-run group of people must listen to its Majority.

The Liberal elites, on the other hand, invoke policies and give discussions that are living-centric. While they often glorify their policies as "Socialist", this would appear Orwellian upon closer examination, since the Liberal elite view of "society" does not appear to include The Majority. Ultimately, this will only hurt themselves when The Majority say "Enough!", rise up against their Liberal overlords, and devour the brains of the latter, thus putting a fitting end to Liberal elitism and its anti-democratic policies.

After protests from the Majority in Washington, DC back in 1999 (the reporting of which suppressed by the elite Liberal Media, but an artist's impression appears above) before the Presidential election, the state of Florida took measures to prevent a similar Zombie uprising in that state by placing the names of several dead people on the voter rolls. Not all of the dead appear on that list; only the ones most likely to cause a ruckus if their names were left out. It was an heroic measure taken by the Republican party of that state, and got Florida Governor Jeb Bush nominated for a Nobel Prize for his advocacy for the rights of Zombies, the dead, the undead, and other disadvantaged groups from the Spirit World otherwise left out of the political process.

This dealt a blow to Liberal Elites, who thought the dead did not deserve a voice, but in the years that followed, the Liberal Elites have not fully recovered. It might be possible that many Liberal Elites had an unwelcome visit into their homes by someone from the spirit world that frightened them into voting Republican or simply withdrawing from the political process altogether.