SATIRE: “Weed isn’t even addictive”

Smoking marijuana is not harmful, nor is it addictive, says one Ferris student clearly addicted to the drug which has clearly affected his life.

“There’s absolutely no reason not to legalize weed except that it opens people’s minds, so the government is afraid of it and it’d probably put big pharma out of business,” Ferris biochemistry freshman Barry Mizor said. “I mean, it’s not even addicitive.”

Mizor was referred to the Office of Student Conduct after being caught smoking in a residence hall last week, and could face criminal charges and be expelled from school if he’s caught again.

“We identified Barry as the individual smoking pretty quickly. His eyes were very red and he was elbow-deep in a family size box of Cheez-Its when we came to his door. His marijuana leaf bed sheets and 3-foot bong only helped confirm our suspicion,” Ferris Department of Public Safety Director Bruce Borkovich said.

At press time, Mizor was frantically spraying Febreeze in his dorm room in a poor effort to veil the smell of cheap marijuana as his RA approached.