Why we are amazing...

A celebration of the triumph of intuition, placebo, kind words and unfounded hope over the leaden dogmatism of the scientific method, the shackles of statistical analysis and the tyranny of the dogged need for real evidence. Armed with only an energized crystal, a vial of ultra-hydrated water and a paper bag half-full of indeterminate dried plant material, surely we can win the holy war against pestilence, death and vague feelings of a slight dissatisfaction with our empty lives. Peace.

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Thursday, 11 March 2010

What is holy? Andreas Moritz's Mongolian stones!

I knew all along that holy things were good things, not just some mumbo-jumbo artifacts and vapid, unfounded ideas dreamed up by delusional monomaniac charlatans and/or latent pederasts. Take, for example, Andreas Moritz's Mongolian Holy Stones. As he describes, they heal on contact - if you have a bruise and you leave the stone on it until the bruise heals, then the bruise heals; They are also great for pain relief - simply hold a stone against the pain until it goes away. This is particularly effective for hand pain because you can hold it against the affected area with the affected area (hand) for extra hand relief.

'Amazing!', I can hear you gush; 'Jesus Christ, take my $40 and give me one of these immediately before my sacral chakra sloughs off!', I hear you scream, in near total panic.

But wait...

These stones are actually SCIENTIFICALLY HOLY!

I really had no idea, but, according to the website http://www.mongolianholystone.com/ and six (count them!) recognized research institutes (unnamed) it is the ability to emit infra red energy at 0.98(+/-) microns that makes the stones, and anything else, holy. The implications of this fact are incredible!

After a very quick google search, I found out that fibreoptic cables use this very wavelength, so our very telephone systems are in fact holy! Remember that when you next call your mother!

Also, a simple pair of night vision goggles will allow us all to look into the divine.

He can see God

A cow, as seen through night vision goggles, therefore holy.

The holiness in these stones produces anions, which are also holy and the opposite of evil cations such as mercury, which poisons the blood and is often portentous of extreme weather conditions such as hurricanes and tsunamis. They are also able to energize, ionize and balance anything they touch in less than a minute.

Where do I sign?

But now for the depressing news: These stones are able to activate (or holyize (my word, feel free...) just about anything else on contact - cleansing water, energizing food, making everything holy etc. So, why, oh why is this lame duck government sitting by while we all drown in mercury and lead and toxic waste dumps being stabbed in the tits by godless, half-bison, crack-addled degenerates, instead of simply buying a few truck loads of Chinese aggregates from Dr, sorry, Mr Moritz and paying some civil servants to go around touching everything in sight with them?

Election day is coming up very soon. This is the only choice to make. Other than buying some of these stones....