Move emotional drama aside, put kids first

July 15, 2007

With divorce rates hovering around the 50 percent mark, the gloomy and doomy among us are pretty sure that the American family is on the verge of disintegration. They drag out the old marriage vows and remind us that the promises we made were for better or worse, richer, poorer, etc. Chances are, when we said the words, we truly meant them. It was only a couple of generations ago that divorce was a scandal and a sin. Yet, folks found ways to get around an ill-fated marriage. The unhappy husband and wife might tacitly agree to have their affairs kept quiet while they outwardly played the role of securely married couple, sometimes living in different parts of the country for months at a time. Or perhaps one or both of them would simply exist in misery, pressured to remain in an unhappy marriage by social and religious dictates. Or the couple stayed together and struggled together "for the sake of the children." Which makes one wonder how the children fared from watching their parents live lives of quiet desperation. For, make no bones about it, no matter how careful the parents are, kids know when things are not right. Some couples wait until all the children have graduated from high school and left home before divorce. Heroic, but instead of having hurt and angry children they wind up with hurt and angry adult children. Anecdotal evidence seems to indicate that children are just as negatively affected by growing up in an unhappy marriage as they are growing up as children of divorce. Of course, if the parents work together, they can minimize the harm the separation would cause the children. The problem is, by the time the couple turns off onto the short road of divorce they are no longer capable of agreeing on much of anything. Ideally, divorced parents should be able to put the needs of the children before their own when it comes to visitation, communication and discipline. But, again, if they got along well enough to negotiate all that, they'd probably still be married. I don't know what it's like to have grown up with divorced parents. But I do know that, when I am happy and feeling loved and appreciated, I'm a better person, a better spouse and a better parent. Children forge expectations of what marriage should or shouldn't be from watching the commitment their parents had for one another, the mutual respect or lack thereof. We only get one chance at this life and we'd better make the best of it. God, or whatever higher power created this beautiful, amazing universe did not do so for people to be unhappy. It was created to allow each of us to rise to our greatest potential. So for those who would tsk, tsk the rising divorce rate, things might not be as gloomy as they seem. Chances are, the marriages that stay intact or the second marriages are actually happy ones. Perhaps the children who grow up in these blended families will come away with values and skills that will serve them well as adults - and a commitment to not go into a marriage lightly. But the obligation still remains to the divorcing couple - they must, just this one time, put their own emotional drama aside and work as a team for the sake of the kids. It can be done. It has been done. Gretchen Mayer, Mansfield, works at the American News and is a member of the American News Editorial Board. Her column appears occasionally on the Viewpoints Page. Write to her at the American News, P.O. Box 4430, Aberdeen, SD 57402, or e-mail americannews@aberdeennews.com. Gretchen Mayer