The Bachelor Recap: A Real-Life Soap Opera

The Hollywood Gossip's recap of The Bachelor is an editorialized rundown of the most memorable moments, with points awarded or deducted as we see fit. We've already heard our Bachelor babe's unique insight on last night's show. Now, the recap ...

Chris Harrison: "Two of you will go on a date with Jason, but only one will return..." First ever Bachelor cage match? Sadly no, but fun imagery. Plus 8.

Nikki's true colors shine: "Stephanie already had a one-on-one date with Jason... she already had a man, had his daughter and, sadly, he died." Loosely translated: "The universe does not want Stephanie to fall in love. Gimme rose!" Minus 15.

The General Hospital thing was fun and all, but Minus 10 for ABC blowing a GOLDEN opportunity to plug Dancing with the Stars. There was a dancing scene!

Speaking of which ... Jason Mesnick on the GH set: "I couldn't believe it. We walked in on a scene being filmed by Bradford Anderson and Kirsten Storms." (NOTE: I heard of these people 15 seconds ago when I read the cue card). Minus 10more.

Guys will be guys: "I need to make sure it's not just [Molly's] eyes that I'm attracted to..." Plus 27 for hornball Jason's great taste in women.

Plus 20 for the unnecessary suspense created by ABC, such as when Jason picks up the rose and tells Molly Malaney how much he'd like to get to know her, but ...... [cue dramatic music] ...... there's more he'd like to learn about her! Yay!

Group dating awkwardness on a level only The Bachelor can attain.

Words you can only hear on The Bachelor: "The last time I did talk to Jason was when I was crying and when I was vomiting." - Shannon. Minus 2.

Plus 11 for the double entendre-laden exchanges involving Molly Malaney's return from her one-on-one date with Jason Mesnick. Jason: "Thanks for coming..." Fellow contestant to Molly: "Did he stay up the whole time?"

Megan on the lead-up to the rose ceremony: "This is getting harder each week. Literally, 300-400 percent harder." That makes literally no sense. Minus 200.

Not only is Melissa Rycroft hot, and in a natural way, but she has a natural way about her. She managed to be honest, nervous and emotional without being annoying! Plus 125, because a Molly-Melissa final could not be more obvious.

Plus 100 for the not-giving-out-the-final-rose twist at the ceremony. All of those girls sucked, and Jason knew it, opting for quality over quantity. Well, at least by The Bachelor standards. Guy is still dating five chicks at the frickin' same time.

Lamest exchanges of the night: 1. Following Megan's rooftop tears: "You're such a great person..." "You're such a great person!" 2. Jason to Shannon: "I know you're real...." Shannon to Jason: "I'm so real." Minus 7 per.