Thursday, July 3, 2008

Intelligence Report

Code Name: Golden Rooster

Day 467 in the Bandit Lair

This assignment has been the most taxing of my undercover career thus far. These women ("Banditas", as they are locally known) are exhausting & elusive creatures. My efforts to ingratiate myself to them so as to better observe them in their natural habitat have been slow to render the sort of intimacy my research requires. As a group, they seem to have an inordinate fondness for sweet biscuits ("Tim Tams") & luridly colored alcoholic beverages. My ability to observe them individually has been severely curtailed by their implausible habit of raffling me off to early risers for 24 hour periods.

I have made every effort to make these out-of-Lair sojourns productive, however. There was an extremely edifying 24-48 hours of explosives & firearms training, which may come in handy during the next Party in the Lair. "Launch parties" in particular have been known to provoke a most extreme demonstration of enthusiasm & joy, during which time Tim Tams & pink drinks are consumed in alarming quantities, chandelier are swung upon & largely unclothed young men wander unchecked, offering anything from drinks to personal massages. I have escaped molestation by luck alone.

That said, however, I have managed to glean a few bits of classified information which I will now share with you. I will use code names, as this line is most surely monitored. Use the following data as wisdom permits:

Bandita A: Carries an enormous satchel in which she smuggles large quantities of junk food into movie theatres. Also stockpiles DQ Blizzards in her freezer so as to conceal the number she chooses to consume in a given day.

Bandita B: Despite being a "Southern girl" and, as such, bred to prize personal grooming above all else save good manners, has no compunction about appearing in public in grass-stained jeans, a messy ponytail, and an ancient t-shirt, smelling of lawn mower.

Bandita C: Though ostensibly a "medical professional" has a well-documented addiction to State Fair corn dogs.

Bandita D: Nothing chocolate is safe around this Bandita, though in an effort to balance the scales, she consumes equal amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper.

Bandita E: Has a disturbing love of cooking & cooking-related TV. Treated me to a horrifying phenomenon known as the (shudder) “National Chicken Cook-off” show during a brief stint under her supervision. Seems to have an unnatural obsession with chicken-cide evidenced by her forcing me to bet on a trifecta at Churchill Downs where Who’s your Colonel, Passingravy and Finger Lickin Lady were running. Regretfully, I won.

Bandita F: Forced me to partake of a delicacy known as Underwood Deviled Ham - a canned pork product that contains an entire day's allowance of sodium, I believe. I suspect this was part of a pagan ritual of sorts as she consumed the entire can while wearing Birkenstocks with socks and dancing to ELO's "Turn to Stone".

Bandita G: Engages in an odd ritual in which she reads the first quarter of a book, then the ending, then the remaining 3/4s. I suspect it could be the influence of a neon green beverage she mainlines labeled "Mt. Dew."

Bandita H: Maintains that while she doesn't drink anymore, she "certainly doesn't drink any less." Avers that, though the Aussie girls can drink her under the table, she does "love a cocktail." [A term I find offensive, if I may register a personal aside.]

Bandita I: Secretly uses her "writing time" to cruise the most scurrilous of celebrity gossip websites. Paris Hilton is a dear friend of hers.

Bandita J: Actually prefers instant coffee to the real thing. This is not surprising given her other feeding habits. I personally witnessed her eating Potato Gems dipped in Thai sweet chili sauce straight off the oven tray.

That is the extent of my current intelligence. I regret I have failed to glean more from my time here. I have been forced to adopt the habits of the natives so as to avoid suspicion. This has resulted in enduring a few massive hangovers & the addition of perhaps 5-10 lbs in Tim Tam weight.

Oh, Rooster, my Rooster, you are so funny! I know some people say mixed marriages never work, but will you walk (waddle? Oh, no, that's Agent Daffy)down the aisle with me? I love a man/chook who can make me laugh! I'm not guessing identities by the way - too much risk for people to send armed cabana boys out to get me. Hmm, after seeing P226, you could protect me, couldn't you, chook?

I am laughing so much my grandson is wondering what is the matter with me and there is pepsi max spayed everywhere.

Golden Rooster you are the best and you describe everyone so well are you sure about the aussie girls drinking others under the table.I know you have been to a few BBQ's at my place and I even took you to see Rod Stewart in concert and you have had some fun with my grandchildren a few times.You obviously enjoy travelling.Great post Susan just what I needed after a busy day at work

Huh. That explains the Ray Bans and the note taking. I never suspected, I was just totally amazed to see him standing on one leg and "chicken scratching" with his other. I thought he was showing me a trick.

And now I'm having my suspicions about that egg he kept carrying around. He TOLD me he was babysitting but it kept making clicking and whirring noises. Pictures, Tawny? Yeah, I'm thinking there are pictures.

ROFLMAO!!! This is beyond perfect! I always KNEW there was more to this innocent little rooster than meets the eye! Hmm. I notice everyone is blaming p226 for the GR's acquisition of spy skills. I think he was a sneaky little rooster right out of the shell.

Jennifer, you need to frisk that chicken before you let him in the house. God only knows what sorts of spy equipment he is hiding under those feathers!

LOL!! I'm glad he got rid of that nagging cough after visiting me. Poor thing oculdn't handle the drywall dust. But it's been months since he's been for a visit and he needs to stop by soon to see the remodel.

Oh my goodness, I'm so embarrassed. The GR didn't have any place to go for the 4th of July so I brought him home with me for a couple days. He seemed like the perfect houseguest--didn't say much ("chookchookchook"), ate anything we put in front of him, never bogarted the remote.

Then I turn my back on the laptop for one stinkin' minute & look what happens.

Sheesh.

Well, I'm off for a morning of swimming lessons & t-ball so I can't straighten this out right now. It'll have to wait for naptime.

What's next on his feathery agenda? Does he plan to infiltrate the national conference to monitor certain stalking behavior?

Will he sneak into the RITA awards to expose the frightening and widescale misuse of duct tape used in conjunction with certain undercover foundation garments? (Is that so wrong? I ask you!)

Will he crash the Harlequin party in order to reveal to the world those hundreds of women willing to perform unsightly dance moves with each other simply for the chance to eat chocolate mousse? (All that dancing makes me hungry! Is that a problem?)

I'm concerned, I admit it.

Well, good luck, Jennifer! I hope you're planning a quiet day of reading and contemplation. Sheesh.

Jennifer Y, don't believe ANYTHING the wotten wooster says. He's notorious for making up "intelligence" if he has none to report to his superiors. We Banditas erroneously allowed him into the Lair and I now suspect he's about to resort to blackmail.

LOL - that GR may be sneaky, but he's also quite witty ;-) I'm just glad I've never won him - my secrests are safe!!

Although I'm now starting to look at some of my fellow Banditas with a hint of suspicion. I wouldn't mind visiting Bandita A and helping myself to a Blizzard (or 2) although I hope Bandita F doesn't invite me to lunch as I'm afraid of any and all "pork products"

Susan--he's going to give us a bad name. Granted, I'm not the most techno-gifted bandita, but I can't get this post off the blog. He seems to have locked out the "edit" function. And I second Jo's point that he lies through his beak. I knew there had to be a reason the dog kept growling at him when he was here. Amiga, you need a better password on that laptop!

Meanwhile, I suggest we buy a very heavy, very dark, very lockable box for use while we're at National. Nobody invited him, did they?

Louisa, I agree that we can't blame p226 for all of this. No actual weaponry has appeared. I suspect, as you say, that the bird was sneaky right out of the shell.

Awww...Goldie Roo and I get along fabulously...he'd never spy on me. Of course, I do bribe him with books. But, you know, he has an unusual habit of marking his place with a feather...and I don't think the feather belongs to him...wonder if he keeps a souvenir from all his "missions."

You know, he'd better be careful, we all have some dirt on him. Although, he'd probably say it was all part of his "job." But I didn't see him protesting when I made him a bed and gave him a stuffed animal to sleep with...in fact, he asked that the light be left on. Wonder if he is scared of the dark? Or just of disappearing in the middle of the night when someone else claims him?

I'd say I had the pictures to prove my claims, but he tends to disappear when the camera is brought out...hmm...considering this post, it all makes sense now. He wouldn't want his cover blown if incriminating photos were to appear somewhere.

What? What? The GR's been SPYING on us?Huh. That explains the Ray Bans and the note taking...

ACK! I agree with Joanie! I think we've all been "had." I also think Louisa is right, that the GR has been sneaky right outta the shell! Do you think he was recruited by that super-secret agency where p226 and his wife used to work? OR WORSE?!?!

Terrio, I definitely suspect Chesney or aiding and abetting.

I need to go check my dogs' crates for surveillance devices.

He'd better not show his fine feathered face at National. That's all I'm sayin...

Amy Andrews -- Though I find myself compelled on a primal level to respond, I've quite mastered my instinct to race toward every pretty face who "chook chook"s me. Mostly. I suppose it depends on whether you're the one who paints my toe nails or the one who makes me mud & tape dry wall.

Helen--Oh yes, I remember you. Your grandchildren have a deplorable feather-yanking habit we need to discuss. And sticky little fingers. Perhaps it was all the barbeque sauce? I'm still working it out of my feathers.

But what's this? No guesses to make? Come now. Where's your sense of adventure? I've been watching these women for over a year now. There's no threat from *that* quarter. Susan is still scarfing up tim tams off the kitchen floor & guzzling dacquiris. It's 2 in the afternoon for heaven's sake. She's done for the day. Come on--let's play!

Oooooh. Yes. I see. I'm a bit overwhelming, yes? You're used to seeing me as a timid little chook, dancing for whichever piper is playing today's tune, no? And the sudden emergence of my true nature has enflamed in you all a certain female reticence?

Ladies, please. I'll admit, I'm a fine speciman, but I mean you no harm. You'll escape today with your virtue entirely intact. If, of course, that is truly your desire.

Elyssa papa--Colonel Sanders? You like the picture of Colonel Sanders? Heavens. Do you like chicken hawks, too? Coyotes? Foxes in the hen house?

Oh, wait. I see it now.

Darling. Don't be jealous. My job requires a certain, ah, moral flexibility. Those other hens, they mean nothing to me. You're the one I love. And just as soon as I'm done with these infernal banditas, we can be together again.

Gillian--trust me, darling, Jennifer Y already won me for the day. She doesn't need any more luck.

But I don't like to see you ladies fighting. There's plenty of the old GR to go around. For everything, there is a season, yes? For every day, there is a woman. And sometimes, regrettably, a man. (Yes, I'm talking to you, P226.)

Fortunately, I'm in prime physical condition, so I'm able to easily keep pace with my male captors. I actually have to dial it down a touch so as not to arouse suspicion.

He's easily led, that one. Toss a few rounds of ammo his way & a grenade or two & he's occupied for hours.

"Hey, what's this?" she asks, crawling out of bed to the computer, eyes half swollen from lack of sleep. "The bird is a spy?!! Must remember to let Rocky the wonder dog fulfill his desire to seize and shake the little critter on his next invasion of the lone star state!!"

LOL What a great post! And Tim Tams! Oh my gosh - I had them for the first time a few months ago... and tried convincing a friend of a friend who goes to Australia yearly to get me some. Don't know if I'll be successful [likely not.] I also checked online for them... but have been unsuccessful. This might be a good thing, because I do not need 10-15 lbs of Tim Tam weight. But... it would be so so delicious getting there.

Of *course* there are pictures. And what there aren't pictures of, I have an excellent memory for. I never forget a hot little hen. And you, my darling, will live in my memory long after the bandit lair was vanished into cyberspace.

[blows a little kiss]

However, we need to talk about your appalling moccasins. Heavens above, you are a lovely woman. Why on earth are you dresing your feet like Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show?

But, Goldy (oops, sorrry. I did promise to leave the pet name in the nest) Those moccasins have a beaded bird on them! Yes, I know the Native Americans call them Thunderbirds, but we really know it is a tribute to you and your golden feathers.

Buffie--How many times must I say this? Anything on-a-stick is not precisely haute cuisine. Further, anything that requires a slathering of neon-colored condiment is yet another step removed from an indulgence for the more refined palate.

You're such a pretty girl, too. Surely we can work this out? I would be more than happy to introduce you to the finer pleasure life has to offer...

Kate, Kate, Kate--there's no need for alarm, darling. I won't reveal any of *our* little secrets. I love the way you misuse duct tape. And your dance moves are exquisite, especially the one where you...

H'llo, GR. How anthropomorphic of you to blog. Fun, fun post. But I admit to being a tad chuffed at you. Where was the picture of Nutella. I'm pleased you had the Tim Tams front and center, but rooster goldie, you gotta have Nutella, too.

Jo, darling. Why so defensive? After everything we've shared, you'd turn on me? There have been many hens, I'll admit. Many, MANY hens. But *you're* the one I love. Didn't I keep you warm while your husband was out of town? Didn't I cluck you lullabies every night until you fell asleep? Didn't I commandeer your laptop every night while you were sleeping to google "chicken breast?"

Um, that was perhaps a bit of oversharing.

But regardless, I shall always remember you fondly, my darling. And your computer.

What a great secret agent you are GR I would never have known. I just hope you truly are on our side maybe you are collecting all this information to write a best selling book.

Jo pepsi max has no sugar we can get pepsi, pepsi light and pepsi max over here I like the pepsi max best.Keep the posts coming everyone I am loving them it is 6-30 am Friday morning here and I need to go to work soon so happy 4th July.

Oh, drat. Susan appears to be waking from her tim-tam/pink dacquiri coma. Ta ta for now, lovers. I may be back later if I lock her in the backyard. Maybe I'll put some chips & salsa on the deck with a nice cooler of beer.

Oh my head. I have a tim-tam/dacquiri hangover like you wouldn't believe.

It was the strangest thing. I was in the kitchen--I'd just put the kids down for a nap--& suddenly there are all these chocolate cookies on the floor. And a dacquiri bar! I know! Isn't that awesome?

Anyhoo, I think I might take it easy for the rest of the afternoon. I found the GR pecking at my keyboard again. I hope he didn't screw anything up. Not that he has any keyboarding skills, but you know what they say. You put a hundred monkey with typewriters in a room long enough & eventually somebody will type the declaration of independence or something.

Oh my, I knew I should have stayed home from work today. GR you are such a naughty bird! I have been checking everywhere for surveillance equipment but found nothing. I even checked the cats, not that I ever saw GR anywhere near them. I didn't see any of my secrets out there either so he must have been too tired from all of his other spying to worry about me.

Smoov, I hope that daquiri headache is easing off. Beware the back yard. That's all I'm sayin'...

Hi GR! I pretty much figured YOU were the spy. When those pics of some of us sheild-sledding down Bandita hill turned up on THAT website...I wondered then. Now I KNOW! Rascal! I didn't think anyone else saw it when Demetrius and I...ahem...what was I saying?

Oh yes. I'm afraid I'm fond of food on a stick too, but the ice cream one, that's going to take a bit of figuring. The shoe queen's a bit tough too as that could be at least three Banditas, perhaps more. Hmmmm. Off to ponder.

GR wrote:I like my hens a bit plump in the breast & thigh, trim about the ankles, & with a naughty little twinkle in their eye.

Should I be worried that describes me pretty well? LOL! I'm afraid Chesney has been reading over my shoulder and I don't actually speak parakeet, but her tone makes me think what she's saying is not so nice.

I'm afraid Roosty will have to deal with seriously ruffled fleathers the next time he drops in.

And I had no idea the Golden Guy had a French accent. Sounds sexy, no?

Y'know, GR, there's a saying in the lair--what happens at National stays at National. Yes, I want a box. A big, dark, sturdy one with a big, solid lock. Combination. Accessible only from outside. And left in the custody of someone who's not going to National. AC and I stand together on this one.

I never realized you had such an ego, let alone such computer skills. We're going to have to watch you more closely.

BTW, I take pride in my mean streak, so thanks, baby-cakes. As for frisking, though, you really don't want me to come over there 'cause the dog comes with me. You remember the dog--big, toothy, prone to bark--the one you spent much of your time here looking down at from on top of the china cabinet?

Mother always told me that it wasthe quiet, unassuming ones you mustbe careful of! So, Mr. GR, you havereally blown it! I let you have the run of my china cabinet, which was filled, filled I say,with all brands of CHOCOLATE!(except Tim Tams!) Now,I just don't know...........

Mother always told me that it wasthe quiet, unassuming ones you mustbe careful of! So, Mr. GR, you havereally blown it! I let you have the run of my china cabinet, which was filled, filled I say,with all brands of CHOCOLATE!(except Tim Tams!) Now,I just don't know...........

Miss Dianna, Josie and Jessie may be more sprightly than I, but I assure you, my dear. that I am more than a match for the both of them. I dislike resorting to fisticusts, but will if I must. All for the love of the Chook.

Trish wrote: And you know, while I was in there, I saw cave paintings of your golden ancestors -- being chased by dudes with spears.

Darling. I think, as spear-toting hunters are no longer thick on the ground, that it's evident who won that particular evolutionary battle, no? Superior intelligence, along with a talent for procreation carried the day. And the night, yes? I'll be waiting for you when you emerge from that cave.

Cassondra--Darling, it may have only been once but it was memorable, no? I love the way you've committed even my smallest body language to memory. It thrills me to the tips of the feathers to hear you say shifty in that...tone of yours.

Ah, so you're not entirely without skills of your own! The force is indeed strong in you, hrdwrkdmom. Thank you for the lovely stroll down memory lane. Especially the twins. I have such fond, fond memories of them both. Do give them a peck for me, will you? I'm afraid I'll have to decline a more personal greeting. My undercover work, you understand?

And you found the surveillance camera in the liquor cabinet, did you? What about the one in the--

Okay - so how does that pesky bird know so much without even having set foot in NJ? Hmm. Maybe he's not quite as disapproving of cats as he'd want us to believe. My girls have mysterious feline smiles on their faces.

OMG Dianna - that is priceless! Good for you! Not so good for my monitor though.

Oh, Jeanne. You think I posted the pictures of you & your gallant gladiator on THAT website? No, no, no. I'm not saying I don't have them, just that I didn't post them. I prefer to keep my work, ahem, undercover.

And believe me, darling, compared to me? Demetrius is an amateur with a rather small...shield. Meet me for a drink in San Fran & we can discuss what you've been missing.

You know my work pulls me in a number of...directions, but I speak of guns & ammo to nobody but your own sweet self. So no more pouting, dearest. I'll make it all up to you in San Fran. Just leave your room key at the front desk marked GR. We'll be together soon, lover.

As for you, GR, how dare you reveal our secrets so baldly! Did I tell anyone that you got your entire head stuck in a jar of Nutella? Huh?

Did I tell them that you gave the fluff cycle on the dryer a try because you were having some...er...issues with getting your...er...feathers puffed? No, I didn't!

And I only wear the socks with my Birkies IN THE WINTER. And it was my ANNUAL can of deviled ham. It's not like I just hare off and nab a can of salty pork goodness and slap the whole can on a sandwich every other day...mmm...deviled ham...

Jo wrote: Golden Rooster, I recant every mean-spirited word I cast your way. Now that I know your true and tender feelings for me, I shall arrange for Dr. Big to take another long trip.

Jo, dearest! We are separated by time & miles, but together as always in my heart! I long for our sweet, sweet reunion in the city by the bay. Leave your room key (with a small indication of the bandita to whom it belongs, along with any important info regarding roommates, etc.) at the front desk marked GR. My feathers are a-tingle with anticipation!

Kim wrote: Can I sneak into the HQ party with you? I promise to hand feed you chocolates ;)

Kim, darling. You can sneak anywhere with me anytime. Throw chocolates into the mix & you can wear me on your shoulder like a parrot. I'll nibble on your ear like it was the sweetest Belgian truffle. Mmmmmm....

That stupid rooster is ruining my keyboard, pecking at it day & night. Sheesh. Is it midnight yet? Is somebody going to come for this little guy? I thought he was with Jennifer today but every time I turn around he's back.

I found him on the back deck this afternoon with all my chips & salsa. And a length of rope with some pretty elaborate knots.

P226, from the sound of it, the GR has visited MANY ports - and often! Really, we are way too easy on him. When I try to get him to lift a wing and help out the few times he's with me, he gives me a cold stare and a menacing "bwok-bwok".

And now he's dissing my Underwood Deviled Ham, when everyone with good taste knows it's the Best. Thing. Ever. Better than MREs, that's for sure!

Forward Page

September Releases

Still Available

Headlines

Donna MacMeans, Trish Milburn, and Nancy Northcott will all be in Atlanta for the Moonlight and Magnolias conference in Decatur, Georgia September 30 through October 2nd. If you're in the area, stop by for the booksigning. We'd love to see you.

Redeeming the Rogue by Donna MacMeans received a 4.5 star TOP PICK! review from Romantic Times Magazine.

Living in Color by Trish Milburn is now available on Kindle, Smashwords and at barnesandnoble.com for the Nook.