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Asheville. May 20th '51
Miss Espy,
For near one month I turned from my empty box at the post
office, sickened with disappointment and despair. I came to the
conclusion that I was not only rejected but despised, and that you
had determined to deny me the mournful favour of seeing your opinion
of myself expressed on paper, and would leave me to infer from
your silence your intention toward me - At length I heard you had
been very ill, which caused me to excuse your delay immediately,
and I reproached myself for my uncharitable suspicions - Your answer
came. I took it from the box, but trembled to open it. 0 what a
moment of suspense is that which precedes the opening of a letter!
What a world of joy or sorrow is contained within the four corners
of that little inanimate paper, so lifeless within itself yet
rendered by the ingenuity of man, so eloquently expressive of weal or
wo I - I tore it open and read-----------
Probably Miss Espy, your sympathising soul can imagine
something of the pang which I suffered then. How void, how useless
this existence seemed to me - My spirit was crushed, bitterly
crushed, and my heart sank within me - Active and enthusiastic Hope
had before conjured up the brightest most blissful visions of the
future, so brilliant that the eye of imagination turned dazled and
overpowered, as does the naked eye from the contemplation of
the Tropical sun, now my gaze rested upon nought but the shadowy
forms of black despair, grim and horrible as hell - What a terrible
transition for the mind to experiance! 0 why is not my reason
destroyed that I might bury those recolections in insanity, in

Asheville. May 20th '51
Miss Espy,
For near one month I turned from my empty box at the post
office, sickened with disappointment and despair. I came to the
conclusion that I was not only rejected but despised, and that you
had determined to deny me the mournful favour of seeing your opinion
of myself expressed on paper, and would leave me to infer from
your silence your intention toward me - At length I heard you had
been very ill, which caused me to excuse your delay immediately,
and I reproached myself for my uncharitable suspicions - Your answer
came. I took it from the box, but trembled to open it. 0 what a
moment of suspense is that which precedes the opening of a letter!
What a world of joy or sorrow is contained within the four corners
of that little inanimate paper, so lifeless within itself yet
rendered by the ingenuity of man, so eloquently expressive of weal or
wo I - I tore it open and read-----------
Probably Miss Espy, your sympathising soul can imagine
something of the pang which I suffered then. How void, how useless
this existence seemed to me - My spirit was crushed, bitterly
crushed, and my heart sank within me - Active and enthusiastic Hope
had before conjured up the brightest most blissful visions of the
future, so brilliant that the eye of imagination turned dazled and
overpowered, as does the naked eye from the contemplation of
the Tropical sun, now my gaze rested upon nought but the shadowy
forms of black despair, grim and horrible as hell - What a terrible
transition for the mind to experiance! 0 why is not my reason
destroyed that I might bury those recolections in insanity, in