I think Emily is miscarrying right now. She showed positive on the pregnancy test, so she would’ve been 6-7 weeks along now.

It’s kinda sad. But in a way, it’s kinda funny, too. Being parents is something Emily and I have been anticipating for decades now, yet now that the moment is here, we’re impatient. We were fortunate to conceive soon after we decided to start.

I was certain that I was supposed to feel different as I saw the little blue plus sign on the home pregnancy test. But it didn’t seem concrete or immediate. This moment I’ve been apprised of all my life—how is it supposed to feel? So far, it was just too theoretical.

Well, even though it didn’t feel “real” or “certain”, we commenced created a myth of what was awaiting us in the future. We both felt that it was a boy. “Quinn” might be a good name. We both envisioned a brown-eyed baby boy… The struggles of learning how in the world you take care of a new life that’s completely dependent on you… The sleepless nights… The joys and burdens of being a parent…

Emily’s first prenatal visit is still two weeks away, and it looks like it might get cancelled. But that’s ok. We’ve been planning this for such a long time. We can wait a little longer, even if it seems we can’t.

Will it be a boy? I don’t know. That’d be cool. So would a girl. I’m not sure why we’ve gone with the boy story line. I guess that’s the value of having a narrative, right? It can help us understand abstract concepts better. If the plot doesn’t develop as we had anticipated, or the plot ends prematurely, well, we come up with another story.

I’m excited to be a dad. I’m scared to be a dad. It’s going to change my life unlike any other event I’ve experienced. There’s no going back. No undo button I can click.

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage- sounds like you handled it well but it’s a very hard thing to go through no matter what.
You’re right, once you’re a parent, there is no going back. The sheer relentless of it it at times overwhelming.
But it is also wonderful, in it’s own time.
Don’t worry if it doesn’t “feel” real to you until late in the pregnancy. For the dads particularly, it’s difficult to feel a connection to it early on. Your wife pees on a stick then you just have to take that stick’s word on it.
Anyways, I hope your wife is doing well and that you’re able to start a family soon. There is nothing like it.