Thursday, June 07, 2012

Punishing Compelled Childbirth Deserters

As a longtime fan, I was pleased to hear that you have a plan for dealing with not-men who resist our efforts to compel them to give birth:

Once abortion becomes illegal, I would say that the consequences for a [not-man] who has an abortion at that point, breaking the law, would be no different from the consequences for a [not-man] who kills her own born children

I have to admit that as pleased as I was that you had created such a plan, I was a little concerned that you weren't being tough enough. I don't recall any case in which a mother was executed for killing her post-birth baby. Usually, such mothers are considered to be insane and are spared from being righteously smitten.

I also thought that compelled childbirth deserters should be
given tougher sentences than post-birth mothers because the life of a fetus-American is valued so much higher.

But as I read on, I learned that you had made a distinction between sane and insane mothers who kill their children--noting that the former should be given the harshest allowable sentences. I assume that you would consider compelled childbirth deserters to be sane, or at least sane enough to devise a plan to thwart our birth edict, thus providing the proof of premeditation required for capital punishment in the most godfearing states.

But is simple execution sufficient punishment for such a crime? Should someone who takes a life as valuable as that of a fetus-American be given the same punishment as those who murder less valuable post-birth humans? The answer to both questions is "no."

Even more importantly, there should be a symbolic element to the execution, something that expresses society's righteous anger against the vile act of compelled childbirth desertion and also glorifies Our Lord and Savior, the Prince of Peace. Simple, uninspired methods like hanging, electrocution, and lethal injection are not enough. It needs to be something more grand and spectacular. I have the perfect solution.

Execute them using Jesus' Great and Terrible Hand of Smiting. It'd be easy to do. All you'd need is one of those huge touchdown Jesus statues like the one on I-75 outside Monroe, Ohio--just rig one of the arms to crush a convicted compelled childbirth deserter with an immaculate karate chop.