First of all, I wanted to offer my thanks. You’ve all been really wonderful. Your competence, kindness, and compassion have been practically without limit.

But many of you — no, make that every single one of you — have offered (repeatedly) to do anything else in your power to help out, and the truth is, there is one small thing I’d really appreciate if you could do.

I need you to start acting like helping out is hard work. No, not just hard work. Exhaustingly hard work that has taken you right up to your limit, flew right by that limit, orbited the world, and then finished up by flying up behind you and kicking you in the butt.

Do it for me. My reputation’s at stake.

You see, about a third of the time, there isn’t anyone here to help me take care of Susan, the kids, and the house; I handle it all solo. And after about 48 hours of this I start looking for ways to have a debilitating accident. You know, just so I can sit down for a stretch.

And then you breeze in, clean up the place, fix nutritious meals, get the kids off to school, and then have a nice, meaningful chat with Susan.

And you make it look easy.

Then, when it’s time for you to head back home and I grab onto your leg and try to prevent you from leaving and then eventually pull myself together enough to say something like, “Thanks for everything; I couldn’t have made it through this week without you,” you twist the knife by saying, “Oh, it was easy and fun. Kind of a vacation, really.”

And then you leave and I turn around and walk back into the house and everyone stares at me until someone comes out and says it: “See, nobody thinks this is hard but you.”

So here’s what I’m going to need you to do next time you visit:

Reduce the home-cooked meals ratio. When I’m in charge of meals, a Subway sandwich counts as a home-cooked meal, because, well a sandwich from there is no different than if I made the sandwich myself, right? I’m just saving a little time by not having to cut up the vegetables, that’s all. So when you go and turn on the stove, it makes me look like a fool. Order some pizza or have everyone eat cereal for dinner or something. Otherwise you’re just setting unreasonable expectations going forward.

Get irritable over something trivial. I recommend telling the kids that the local post-meal cleanup union has, sadly, gone on strike, meaning they’re going to have to do their own dishes for once. Or tell the twins that somebody told the Cleanup Fairy that he didn’t believe in her, and so she vanished, and now they’re going to have to start cleaning up their own room. My kids never get tired of obtuse sarcasm.

Wander around, looking overwhelmed. I recommend going into the kitchen, standing there for a minute looking lost, then going back to Susan’s room, then remembering what you needed from the kitchen. Repeat 74 times per day.

Lie when it’s time to go. The truth is, folks, I’m not really interested in whether you had a great time with everyone (except me, for I am currently not a pleasant person to be around) while you were here. I need you to tell me, when it’s time to go, how next time you come you’re going to bring a few extra people along, just to keep up with the — frankly impossible — workload. Tell me you don’t know how I do it all by myself. Tell me you are going to go to a spa for a week just to get the kinks in your back and knots in your muscles worked out. Feel free to get expansive on this. Elaborate freely.

In short, everyone, I spend about 30% of my time on the verge of panic. By taking over and making this look easy you’re undercutting my main sympathy tactic. Don’t do that to me.

Finally, if maybe you could call each other and talk a little bit about how amazing it is that I manage as well as I do, and how, frankly, you just about lost it from the constant demands put on you, I’d very much appreciate it. I promise, it’ll get back to me (everything any of you says always does; that’s the way our family and friends network is).

67 Comments

Our family just went through something similar, Elden, and it does get better. Hang in there, man and cherish each and every moment you have with your family. I know you do, but sometimes it is hard when you’re in the middle of it. When Susan beats this, you’ll all look back on this and laugh.

Fatty, you’re not competing on a level playing field. In the name of fairness, when people come to help, they should also have to go to, and do, your job. If they can do that for a few months and not look frazzled, then I’ll be impressed.

Not to take anything away from the wonderful and loving care your relatives and friends have given Susan, you and the kids… but they are there in shifts lasting two or three days. You, of course, are living this… months upon months… some really hard others not so hard. This is your wife, your best friend, your family. It’s a challenge… the Mount Rushmore of challenges that’s physically and mentally exhausting. But you too make it look not so challenging. With all you do to help Susan Win, including this blog and your quest to raise awareness and beat cancer. As another reader wrote… “it will take time but one day you’ll realize how much of an impact you have made.” We already know.

I agree with Donald above. They are helpful and wonderful (yay!) but you bear an emotional burden that is different than theirs. You are doing an extraordinary job…and even still managing to make us laugh along the way. Many, many pats on the back for you!

Fatty! I don’t care if you are irritable, it was lovely spending a few moments with you. Scoff not! I’d rather be eaten by that mountain lion than go so long without you…um…Fattiness. As far as your help goes…many people out there lie a lot. Like when I babysit for a friend and their kid is a monster, I never say that. I say, oh, he was good. We had fun! When in truth I gritted my teeth and said, “This is Aunt Jaime’s bootcamp, Monster Child. Pick up your toys. Clean your room. Stop whining.” All of those people were lying to you out of love. Did you not know that a car service picks those people up down the block from your house? Complete and utter exhaustion keeps them from driving. And as someone who has two siblings, I must say I’d tell my brother or sister it was no big deal even if it was (and I have).

Free license to complain? What a fabulous gift you’ve given! Your sisters and friends will thank you forever.

As for the casseroles – I vote you line them up on the front porch, and let people just notice they’re there, and then come by and claim them. If some go missing, just say the Casserole Fairy was taking collections.

“I recommend going into the kitchen, standing there for a minute looking lost, then going back…” I make this common practice. ;-)

Just remember: you CAN have too much of a “good” thing.

Others get satisfaction and a sense of purpose from helping you and Susan out. That sense of purpose is an incredible feeling to have. The difference between you and them, and I’m sure they realize this, is that they get “me” time. You don’t. That is why they show up to help.

In a sense, you are helping each other out. They are giving you a break, and you are giving them the opportunity to care for someone. Many of us do need to care for others. It works out for everyone. :-)

I think my wife who was 8 months pregnant when I had to have a bone marrow transplant this past summer felt like you do, which is overwhelmed to say the least. A friend actaully coordinated with several other friends to make sure we had exactly what we needed. There’s no way to repay them, they won’t accept anything but a simple thank you, no matter what you try to do, so, you just thank them, and hope to be able to do the same thing for someone else someday. So my thanks also go to all that are helping Elden and his family.

Hang tough. My wife had cancer two years ago, so I know what you are going through. Your friends commenting above got it right, there is an emotional toll separate from and in addition to the physical. Plus, it is hard for folks to know how to look after you, because you are the one who is “well.” Truth is, we all need taking care of. Thanks to all of the care takers. We’ll be thinking about you and Susan.
Steve

When I go and help out a friend with her three kids (I do not have kids, just dogs) for a day, I kinda feel the same way as your helpers. Its a break from our daily routine that makes it a joy for us and a joy for you! If we had to do the routine day-in-day-out we would be overwhelmed too.

A great support system like yours is amazing and really shows the rest of us what people are capable of doing in times of need. If I lived closer (like a couple of time zones closer!) I would cook enough food for you and the family, label it, store it and then you could pop it in the oven and viola, hot meal in minutes! It truly is about the little things.
WIN Susan :)

Elden, I know that letter was difficult to write, but you had to say something. These volunteers can be so selfish – thinking only of Susan and your kids and not you. I hate to break it to you, but knowing how self-absorbed these do-gooders can be, I doubt your letter will have any effect.

But there is something you can do to turn this situation around: Select male helpers. Am I correct in assuming the help to date has been women? If you want slack household help you need men. Have you forgotten us already?

For instance, if you have me over to “help out” I’ll go to work for the first hour or so but then fade into TV watching, admiring your bicycle collection or debating the great philosophical topics of the day. Then when it’s time for me to go (that’s when you wake me from my nap) your wife and children will look at you with the awe and respect you deserve.

KaynonKris has it right. Make sure to get some male helpers and you’ll look like a champion no problem. Seriously, helping for a short time is a sprint. Your helpers know they’ll go home soon. You’re in a double century and need to move at different (slower) pace.

Funny, just realized that guys (at least I) can fall into sports analogies so easily. You’ll really look better with some male help. I even more certain now.

Hi Fatty,
This is Jeff’s wife writing. Jeff introduced me to your blog when you started writing about Susan, I have been reading ever since. I pray for your family daily. I’ve heard it said, “Don’t rob someone of their blessing.” That is what I would tell you. People want to help out, they aren’t as tired and overwhelmed as you, because they aren’t the husband and father. Let people fix you home cooked meals and clean up, it doesn’t make you look bad. No one expects you to be doing this. I ask God everyday to heal Susan and to give you strength to be strong and a comfort to your children. I’m sorry you are having a tough time.
Jessica

A message to Fatty’s friends who live nearby:
First, you are all angels, I hope you know that! What you are doing is not only for the family, Susan and the kids, but of course for Elden too, to take off his incredible burden. He (and they) are obviously grateful.

BUT, I have a suggestion (and forgive me if someone’s already done this). I am a semi-retired massage therapist, and if I lived closer than the 700 mile drive, I’d come over and give him a massage every few days. Is there anyone who can do that, or arrange that, for him? Because he also needs some ELDEN relaxation time, an hour or two just for him, to melt away the stress. The meals, cleaning up, helping with kids, taking care of Susan is essential. But let’s find a way to work on him!

Wish I could come over and help out, but it’s a bit of a drive from Oregon. Besides, I don’t think I’d be helping out much, if your post is any indication; I’d be one of those cheerful busy bees, doing whatever needs doing, and talking about how meaningful it feels and how blessed you are to be able to let others help you. :)

Seriously, though, you should take KanyonKris up on his suggestion. The one caveat is that you should not have male friends who are also engineers over to help, because once they get a project in mind, it’s full steam ahead with industrious industriousness until it’s done. And that would also make you look like a slacker. Bad idea.

Instead, find couples to come over. One half of the couple can do the household stuff, the other half can take you for a bike ride. Or something.

Really seriously, now: keep your chin up. Keep up with the entertaining and obtuse sarcasm. You can DO this thing. WIN, SUSAN!!!!

Dude. It is a lot easier to care and come over and help somebody out than it is to live with it day in and day out. Helping when it’s easy is easy. Carrying on when it’s hard is hard. And you have been. For a long time. So. You are amazing.

Yep….would have to agree that the reason your guardian angels can swoop in and make it all look easy is that they are doing it as a favor….blessing you with the help and the break. If it were a day in and day out situation….they too would break. I dare say they would never have the stamina that you display. :) When my sister was in her battle with Breast Cancer….my brother in law set up a table with a nice looking cloth in an out of the way place on their breeze way. On it he set all the dishes and containers that were once full of lovely dinners and side dishes from well meaning “helpers”. I made a nice “Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness” yadda, yadda sign and he just left it up to them to come back and grab what was theirs. It was one of the overwhelming things for him to deal with and that was the best solution we could come up with….as it was the last thing he needed to worry about :) I am sure the owners will come forward….and if not….you may have a lovely start to that spring yard sale :) I also like kt’s idea. Ladies….when you go to help the Nelsons…..bring your hubbys along! And Fatty, it is not easy….in any way….shape….or form! Helpers are supposed to act like it is….it is like the “Law of the Helpers” or something :)

If you need someone to come over and whine when asked to lift a finger, I am your man. My wife is available for references.

Seriously, thanks to Susan and Fatty for continuing to inspire us. Thanks also to the real life crew of Fatty for reminding the rest of us that there is always an opportunity to be a decent human being.

It’s amazing how awful circumstances often bring out the best in everyone. I’ve seen it multiple times. You inspire so many people with your ability to maintain your humor and make us all smile even in difficult times!

Years ago my father had a heart attack and spent 6 weeks in various hospitals with various treatments before he passed away. But as soon as he was conscious, he ordered me to find something for his many friends to do so they could be helpful. He said this was my duty because because people WANT to help, feel useful, and be supportive. I practically made up tasks for some of his friends, particularly the male friends.

So not only are you taking care of Susan, working full time, running the household, managing the kids and taking care of all the family’s needs,as a service to your friends you are also expending energy keeping them involved and feeling useful. Totally amazing.

Yup…we are just like Mary Poppins…practically perfect in every way! I am so thankful my time and life lends itself to you right now. I love you guys and enjoy my time with you each visit. It is easy to come in and clean, visit and cook because I am not contending with my teen agers, my bills, my job or any of the other things that consume my real day to day life.
And you my brother simply are amazing… I marvel at your stamina, and ability to juggle it all. We do need to work on hair stying techniques for the twins though!
See you for thanksgiving as we have our cook off!
Kellene

I think you do a wonderful job of taking care of your wife and kids. How do I know… because you are doing it, you haven’t given up. and because your sister just said so. I can’t keep up the house and there is just my husband and me. I need a housekeeper, I should be ashamed.

Your heart and mind are overwhelmed with the nature of what is truly going on.
No one else can understand the pressures you are working under.
Please know that you are doing the best job anyone in the world could do and if it wasn’t almost impossible, it would mean there is something very, very wrong with you.

The problem is your talent for making an overwhelming and sympathetic situation, and the blog post describing it, sound so damned funny. It’s hard to project empathy while laughing. I laughed so hard I have to take a nap. (BTW.. laughing WITH you, not at you, I can only hope).

Your wise sister hit it right on – those that come and help leave all their work and worries (big or small) elsewhere, which happens to make things a whole lot simpler. I bet I could come over and look pretty competent, too, but man – you should see me at home! or work. I do a lot of circles everyday. (Too bad they don’t help peel of some pounds!!)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your entire family and legion of wonderful friends…they’re what it’s all about.

Remember the old saying: a change is as good as a holiday. These mongrels are having a holiday at your expense. I’d be charging a fee for all the helping they’re doing. That way they’d feel like it was a proper holiday.

Hi,
I forgot to mention that the other night I was listening to a cooking show and they said to add creamcheese to scrambled eggs. I thought of you and your post about velveeta. You might want to try it.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. (I know “thankful” is probably not how you are feeling)
Jessica

elden, i hate you. i bought my wife a dishwasher for our anniversary in may ( i know, no appliances or cleaning supplies for anniversary, but thats what she wanted) and we just moved. well, now we can’t get it working. so i have this beautiful dishwasher, though yours looks impressive, but not enough water getting to it to work. ah well. at least my little sister moved in and does all the dishes.

Sounds to me that everyone that comes around to help gets such a buzz, enjoys it so much and does it for love that maybe you should be charging them for the experience.
I myself love hard work – I could watch it for hours. That of course is it not original but it fits.
Win Susan Win Team FC well done to the helpers.

I’ve been in a similar situation, and I do know exactly the feeling you’re describing. I have been on the receiving end of incredible generosity. It’s humbling, heartwarming, miraculous, and in an odd way frustrating. I understand!

Friends and family that are coming in to help are only carrying that physical load for a short time. You on the other hand have to deal with both the physical and emotional load, and you are carrying that endlessly. Being strong for everybody, all the time is exhausting. Remember to take some time for yourself, to deal with the emotional stress you are under. It will help you cope and help you to be the best you can be for the ones you Love.

I wouldn’t worry about everyone cooking so much. I bet they’re just trying to out-do your egg and Velveeta cheese dish. Besides, now you won’t have to worry about cooking dinner tomorrow night. You all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I don’t know you personally and I live in Denver…but, nonetheless, I simply thought about helping you out around the house. And even that wore me out. I had to take a nap after I thought about kids and meals and dishes and having to go buy subway sandwiches for all.

I don’t see how you do it!

Sincerely,
A guy who thinks you deserve to feel like what you do everyday is a big deal…cause it is.

You remind me of your maternal grandmother and the way she took care of my Dad. She would be and I am sure is very proud of you, Susan and your kids. I have a lot of air miles if you need them. All are American Airlines.