It has been a few weeks so I thought I would do a post. I don't have a lot to post, except that it is now 2018, and I feel more behind in my life than ever. Jan 1 I went out photogging at the creek down the road. I really did not get anything spectacular, but some of them are ok. I enjoyed it, and I Periscoped it. Had 2.6k viewers, which is higher than any other broadcast I have done. Then when I got home, within an hour my throat closed up, my fever shot up and I started feeling sick. Then I was flat out for a week. I am still sick, but not as bad as that first week. My voice still comes and goes. I get tired really fast. Drainage is still happening. And then there are the hives and the angioedema. I be tired and annoyed and itchy and drainy. And nightmarey. I took benedryl for the hives and angioedema a few days ago. Then I had the worst nightmares of my life. I mean, flow blown terror freak out nightmares. Last night I did not take any benedryl, thinking I would avoid it, but every time I turned the light out I freaked out. I am so tired.

I am trying to motivate myself to get some more stop mo done. I found a lighting set online that includes 2 white diffusing umbrellas, 2 black/silver reflecting umbrellas, 4 stands, 4 light attachments with holes for the umbrellas, a background frame, 4 clamps and a case. It was $40 off, so I decided to go for it. I think that will help with 2 things. I will be able to light the sets better. Then I can put the adjustable background frame over the table and use it for the backdrop. It is made for full sized photo and video shoots, but I think I can adapt it. We'll see. If it ever gets here. According to UPS it was supposed to be here yesterday. then it was supposed to be here today. Thier site says residential service ends at 3pm, so I doubt it will be here today as it is after 5pm now. Though the site has not changed the information to reflect that. They must be having issues. It is annoying to me, who is impatient to get going with things.I have a couple of things in the works that I want to try getting going. A couple of competitions I want to try for. Maybe. I don't know. It depends on if my insecurity gets a hold of me.

I got myself some armature wire and have ordered square brass tubing, and I have air hardening clay. I intend to build some new puppets. When I do I will post pics. May even do some Periscoping of it.

A while back I posted a long diatribe about my creative process and the lack thereof, about my paralyzing fear and how to get past it. I have been working hard, though I must admit that I have failed in doing the regular Yes, And... writing that I had promised myself. It is still difficult. I know it has only been a month, but it feels like my progress is non existent. I just found an ad calling for music writers. I can totally do that, except I have no real writing samples anywhere on the web and trying to write one just for the application is freaking me out. I start something and erase the whole thing before I can even edit it. I KNOW I can do it, but I don't know I can do it, if that makes any sense. It doesn't, but I hope I am getting my meaning out. Intellectually I know I can do it, but at the moment the fear monster is gripping me hard, whispering in my ear that no one wants to read anything I might write. Several weeks of being turned down for many, many jobs is seriously feeding and giving strength to this fucker.

So thanks to a wonderful friend I now have a copy of The Nerdist Way by Chris Hardwick. I don't know if you are aware of the guy. I have been following his podcast since inception. He has taken his podcast and turned it into a network. His theory is that the Nerd brain works in a way that is different from the rest of society. The Nerd brain has the ability to get hyper focused and the intelligence to quickly makes sense of things. His theory is that in general we nerds use that hyper focal ability to do things like play video games for hours, create worlds that don't exist so we can live in them (in our heads), and that this ability can be harnessed to help you succeed in every day life. He is not claiming to be a self help guru. He is not claiming to be some expert on, well, anything. But what he is claiming is that these methods have worked to help him turn his life around, and he is putting them out there for us other nerds to try.

A lot of what he says hits home. I can get hyper focused, especially on all the wrong things. Though I do not claim to be a brainiac, I am also not a dullard. One of the things he suggests is treating your life like an RPG. If you are not familiar with this concept, and RPG is a Role Playing Game. D&D is a classic example of one. I LOVE RPGs. When playing an RPG, you create your character by rolling dice to decide which attributes you get. In RL-RPG, you create a numbering system for the traits you have and want. I won't explain the whole thing here, mainly because I feel Mr. Hardwick deserves the money for people buying the book instead of reading it all here.

In my twisted little nerd brain, it all makes sense. All of it. In fact, last night I was dreaming about how to implement it. So, starting today, I am turning my life into an RPG. My goal: to get over myself and make money doing what I love. I am hoping that this will help me get out of my own way. By this time next year, I want to be doing something besides whining about how I hate my life and how shitty it is that no one will hire me. Now that I have emailed 5 applications (that is my minimum for any given day), I plan to spend the rest of the day creating my character and goal sheets.

The many taloned monster painfully gripping my shoulder is telling me it will never work, and that my motivation will wane after a day or so and I won't complete it. Time to add a sword to my weapon arsenal so I can slay this lying motherfucker.

I have made some choices, be they bad or good. I am currently working on writing them up. It is amazing how much harder it is to write when you put pressure on yourself to perform. I keep telling myself that I am just not in a writing mood, but reading the last few posts and some stuff I have written elsewhere I think that is not the case. When I am not in a writing place my written material gets very one dimensional and flat. I use common words. I fragment my sentences. There is no silliness or personality in the writing at all. I think I am scared. I want to write something totally awesome that will make everyone oo and awe over my writing prowess. I want it to be perfect. I know no writing is perfect the first draft, but for some reason the idea of writing something painfully bad is paralyzing me.

So the question is...how do I get out of that space? How to I move myself back into a place where the writing process and the fun of creating something outbalances the voices in my head that taunt "You will fail! Miserably! Don't even try. That way you won't embarrass yourself." That kind of thinking makes me hesitate to write down anything, no matter what it is. It makes me self censor before I have even done anything. It quelches good ideas before I have had the chance to mold them into something useable.

Fear of failure has haunted me my whole life. It has kept me from doing many things that might have been fun or successful. Or even made me happy. Some days it makes me scared to leave the house. It hampers my job search. And no matter how many wins I have, the fails feed the fear monster. They validate it's claims. I don't care who you are, the number of fails will always outnumber the wins. Always. People aren't successful because they always win, they are successful because they learn from their fails and keep going. When you are in the grips of this monster you look at the number of fails and want to concede to it's logic.

I have also had this fear that I will keep doing something not because I might eventually be successful but because I am deluded about how good it really is or how good I really am. I come from a family who tend to not look reality in the face. They like to pretend things are better than they are, they like to pretend things that happened didn't happen. And they like to think they are being successful and doing good, when a dose of reality would actually make them see what needs to be changed.

Where is that balance between wishful, magical thinking and harsh reality check? Too much of one and you delude yourself into thinking things are great when minor tweaks might make it spectacular. Or it may turn a spectacular idea into trash because you don't see enough of the real warts to be able to develop it to it's potential. You need to see the warts in order to be able to remove them. It impedes common sense. However too much reality check stops the creativity process altogether. If some of our major inventors had too much reality check, we wouldn't have the majority of the things we do now. How does one find the perfect balance? How do you find that place where you see the reality, and keep going anyway?

I think what I need to do is learn to trust my reality. I need to learn to trust what I am seeing is neither overinflated nor underinflated. I have a lot of flaws, but my common sense is something I pride myself on. Not that I always act on my common sense, but it is there and it is strong.

So now the question is what can I do to drag myself out of this mire I have dragged myself into? What can I do that will help me change my mindset?

I recently acquired an audiobook copy of Tina Fey's Bossy Pants. I realize that this book is not in any way a deep philosophical self help book. However there is a section of the book where she discusses the Yes, And... imrpov game. The game goes like this....no matter what the other person says, no matter how stupid or idiotic, you accept it and add to it. Your addition can help tweak the bad idea into something more palatable. The point being to take an idea and see how far you can take it before you reject it. She talks about in reference to her improv and comedy writing experience.

I think I can take that idea and use it for this. The whole idea of Yes, And... is to get yourself and your teammates out of the negative rejection cycle we tend to get into when we are under pressure. My theory is the more I practice that mindset and get myself thinking that way, the easier it will be to keep myself out of the clutches of the fear monster in the first place. It will help me focus on the process rather than on the product.

Ok....so....I suppose I will start that by posting several Yes, Ands.... and then posting the results. I think I would just cop out if I don't have the accountability of a post. I don't know how often I will do it. I should do it every day.

Right now it is only 11:30am. So I will post one now and post the results by the end of the day.

So today's Yes, And...

*Charlie, where did you get that dead rabbit?

Now my job is to create a dialog around that opening sentence. Wish me luck. :) I hope this works.

Edit: Wow. I did not realize how fast my instincts are to copy my favorite comedy. My first draft turned into a parody of the dead parrot sketch from Monty Python. Second turned into an Abbot and Costello sketch. This might be easier if I had someone else to play off of. Ok. Back to the trenches.