Sex Can Be Touchy For Single Parents Children Change Rules Of The Game

July 21, 1986|By Moira Bailey of The Sentinel Staff

Suzanne didn't start dating again for several months after her 23-year marriage ended. Her youngest son had broken his leg less than a month after his parents separated, and Suzanne waited for him to heal.

The boy's leg mended, but his emotional pain became unbearable. When Suzanne started dating, he matter-of-factly told her he hated every man she brought home. So Suzanne didn't bring them home unless her son was visiting his father on the weekends.

Just two weeks ago, Suzanne and her current boyfriend took a weekend trip to the beach. It had been two years since she and her husband parted. The trip was the first outward sign that Suzanne has an intimate relationship with her boyfriend.

Suzanne's son is 14 now, and moving through the moody phases of puberty. Suzanne, an attractive 43-year-old who wears her blond hair shoulder-length, is coming to grips with her newfound independence and her sexuality. Like most of the parents quoted in this story, she requested that her real name not be used.

As a single parent, Suzanne must hurdle the obstacles of introducing her children to new partners. Her two older sons, who no longer live at home, easily adapted to the situation. Not so for her younger son.

''It's going to take some time,'' said the Kissimmee businesswoman. ''I have to grow up, too.'' Suzanne isn't sure whether her current relationship will lead to marriage or whether she even wants to marry again.

Each single parent has a different story, a different set of difficult circumstances and many of the same issues to resolve.

When a divorced or separated parent starts dating, it is often the first time a child sees the parent in a sexual light. A memorable scene from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer illustrates the worst-case scenario: The father's girlfriend, wearing nothing but a surprised look, bumps into his young son in the hallway during the middle of the night.

The first meeting between a child and a parent's partner probably will be less dramatic. But children's ages often dictate their reactions: whether they feel threatened by the new person in a parent's life; overly protective of that parent; or competitive with the new partner for a parent's affections.

In many divorce cases, children secretly hope their parents will get back together and see the new partner as a threat to that reunion, according to Mary Mattis, author of Sex and the Single Parent: How to Have Happy and Healthy Kids -- And An Active Social Life.

''I think the bottom line for kids is how this new relationship is going to impact me'' said Mattis, a native Orlandoan who is a marriage and family counselor in California.

Beth, a 32-year-old Orlando writer, is convinced her three-year relationship with her boyfriend has given her daughter a sense of stability.

Beth's husband walked out when their daughter was 6 months old and rarely sees the child. Beth's boyfriend, who lives in South Florida and visits several times a month, has become an important figure in the 4-year-old's life.

''It's important for her to see a good relationship,'' Beth said. ''She sees that with us -- a real friendship.''

The couple's sexual relationship is not threatening to the child. ''I don't think she's figured out what sex is,'' Beth said with a wry smile. Beth leaves her bedroom door open and puts a sleeping bag on the floor in case her daughter comes in during the night.

When her daughter asks if Beth loves her boyfriend, the older woman answers yes, without hesitation. But Beth has no set plans for the future. ''I'm still psychologically wounded,'' she said.

John, a 34-year-old Orlando family therapist, lives with his girlfriend. His two sons, ages 14 and 9, came to live with him almost two years ago.

John said he worries about whether his lifestyle appears to condone a live-in relationship rather than marriage. But he thinks the relationship is stable and contends his sons don't worry about the fact that he isn't married. They haven't broached the subject of sex, and John doesn't plan to introduce the topic any time soon. ''The degree of intimacy is really none of their business,'' he said. ''You need to set boundaries between adults and children.''

Mary Durand, a spokeswoman for the Orlando-area Parents Without Partners group, agrees that parents need to draw the line between their intimate lives and their parenting roles. Durand also advises single parents to be fairly sure a relationship is serious before getting the children involved.

''If a man disappears from your life, they've been rejected again,'' said Durand, a 35-year-old single parent who said she is ''very careful'' about the men she introduces to her children, ages 9 and 11.

''I find that the less involved they are in my dating life, the better I like it and the more comfortable I am,'' said Durand, who has headed several Parents Without Partners support groups.

''As far as seeing the parents as sexual beings, . . . most of us feel it's not something we really want to discuss with the children,'' said Durand. ''I don't think they can handle that.''