Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

CONCORD, N.H. – In a move largely praised by conservative commentators, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann fired the last of her campaign staff and bought an iPhone 4S.

“She really needed to shake things up internally. Her staff was holding her back by offering their time, hard work and common sense approaches in the midst of a up-hill campaign. In other words, it was business as usual,” said Nancy Greghill founder of Hold-On a conservative think-tank.

What Bachmann loses in human capital supporters say she easily recovers in technological advantage. Bachmann’s new iPhone comes with “Siri”, a personal assistant application, which insiders say will probably take over day-to-day campaign advisory duties.

During a Sunday night gathering with several New Hampshire Bachmann supporters, Greghill unveiled her own iPhone to demonstrate Siri’s profound reasoning abilities.

“Siri, should we defund the United Nations?” Greghill asked loudly for all to hear.

“One moment. Checking my sources. Here’s some background information on the United Nations,” Siri responded, pulling up the United Nations Wikipedia page to cheers and rapturous applause.

As a follow up, Greghill asked Siri what policies Bachmann could support to best connect with Latino voters. After checking its sources, Siri came up with some highly rated, yet reasonably priced, restaurants in the area that served enchiladas.

“What makes Siri so brilliant are the things it doesn’t say,” Craighill said later.

“Like any good political adviser, Siri makes one stop and consider the deeper connections behind certain issues. I think Michele Bachmann will be well served by having Siri in her camp,” she said.

PORTLAND, MAINE – In a stunning win for the Tea Party movement, Carter-A259, a Halo supersolider with childhood roots near Kennebunkport, has won the Republican Primary in Maine’s First Congressional District. His closest opponent dropped out of the race in June citing a desire to be closer to her family and a deep-seated fear of what she called “human droids”.

Carter-A259, a complete unknown in many circles until he received an resounding Twitter endorsement by Sarah Palin, appears to hold views consistent with most Tea Party voters.

“He’s a strong supporter of the Second Amendment,” said Matt Joseph a first time voter and an avid Halo gamer. “The guy walks around with two firearms and a jet-pack, for crying out loud.”

Joseph said Carter-A259 also had experience dealing with sensitive foreign policy issues, a reference to the long-standing dispute between Carter-A259 and the forces of an alien race known as the Covenant. “He’s a real statesman who willing to fight for freedom!” said Joseph.

A spokesperson for the Carter-A259 campaign said the candidate was honored by the show of support and vowed to keep taxes low and provide bionic arms to every man, woman and child in the district, if they so chose.

Democrats were quick to pounce on the remark arguing that bionic arms were expensive and that Carter-A259’s policies would increase the national debt. “Does he expect American tax payers to foot the bill for bionic appendages? They should call it what it is: bionic pork,” said Harvey Lambroast a Democratic strategist.

WASHINGTON – A study released this week by the U.S. Department of Labor finds that 99.8% of Americans under the age of 6 months are chronically underemployed.

“The figures are quite alarming,” said Suzy Rodinfeld a spokesperson for the Labor Department. “Babies are struggling to find work, particularly in states where employers require workers to communicate with some form of language or to sit upright, unattended, in a chair for several hours a day.”

“Employers look at my resume and laugh,” said Nathan Daniels, age two months, who spoke via an interpreter who could decipher his adorable cooing sounds. “One interviewer pinched my chubby cheeks and made kind remarks. Who wouldn’t be flustered by such harsh working conditions?” Daniels added he has been without work for two months.

Babies, according to some employers who have hired one in the past, are a dangerous liability. “They demand too much and produce very minimal results,” says Falcon Johnson who last year hired an eight month old to operate a forklift in his auto parts warehouse. “After changing her diaper twelve times on the first day, I had to show her the door. Actually, I carried her out the door and waited for her lawful guardian to take her home. Good riddance.”

Babies say they are not giving up in their efforts to be productive citizens. “I don’t care if it takes me eighteen years. I will join the work force. We babies will have our day,” said Daniels.

WASHINGTON – In a landmark vote, the U.S. Senate today approved a bill to provide universal placebo coverage for an estimated 34 million Americans over the age of 65.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) hailed the passage as a positive development even as Congress struggles to overhaul the nation’s health care system.

“This bill would provide placebos for seniors in the shape and color of their favorite prescription medication,” said Senator Reid. “It also allows for fun flavors like apple-banana, cherry pie and kiwi strawberry.”

The vote comes after a week of intense floor debate in which opponents of the bill argued placebo coverage should remain in the hands of private sector placebo firms.

“This is socialized placebo care. Josef Stalin would have loved it,” said Senator Brian Davis (I-IL). “The president can sign this bill over my pale, slightly pudgy body as I pretend to lie dead on a leather sofa.”

WASHINGTON – President Obama said today that he would resign from office and restore the presidency to George W. Bush. He then reassured a gathering of stunned reporters that he was only kidding and wished all Americans a safe and happy April Fools Day.

A video featuring both Obama and Bush later surfaced on the White House website in an effort to calm the public’s frazzled nerves.

“Rest assured America, I am no longer your President,” former president Bush said in the video, “I deeply respect President Obama’s sense of humor and appreciation for April Fools Day.”

In the video, President Obama said he was trying desperately to cheer up the American people in the midst of the most trying economic times in recent memory. “I’ve endorsed bailouts of the banking sector and the auto industry. Now it’s time for a comedic bailout,” Obama said.

White House staffers confirmed that a future video featuring President Obama and former Vice-President Dick Cheney is currently in the works. The White House plans to release the video by Halloween.

MAKE BELIEVE PROPER – Major media outlets are projecting that King Friday XIII will lose in his bid for reelection tonight in the Neighborhood of Make Believe’s first ever democratic election. With 85% of precints reporting, Price Tuesday, the King’s Son and recent political rival, is expected to win by a margin of 52% to 48%.

“His Majesty is remaining cautiously optimistic as the votes continue to come in,” said Mayor Maggie a close advisor to the King. King Friday’s top advisors said their optimism was also bouyed by recent allogations of voter fraud against the Tuesday Campaign which is accused of registering factious voters living behind Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s spinning museum.

Advisors for Prince Tuesday hinted that their candidate was likely to make an acceptance speech as early as tomorrow morning. “The Prince in very happy with the results so far and will make an appearance as soon as the results are finalized.” The Prince is being applauded by progressive groups for his proposed reforms including universal seamstress care and upgrading the neighborhood trolley to run on solar power.