Friday, April 3, 2009

A woman, aged 48, stabbed her 75 year old mother, killing her, then stabbed herself in the neck and died shortly after paramedics arrived. This happened IN MY SUBDIVISION last week. What is so postworthy about that, you wonder. First, nothing ever happens in West Chester. In fact, that is the teenage battle cry heard in every Starbucks, Burger King and movie theater, "Nothing ever happens in West Chester!"

Second, how the hell do you stab yourself in the neck? If you are going to do yourself in, there are plenty more painless ways to do it. How can a person stab themselves? That has got to hurt like an s.o.b., as we used to say. We have all seen those hospital reality shows where the guy stabs himself in the chest, then goes to the hospital with the pulsating butcher knife sticking out between his ribs and lives to tell about it. Couldn't he think of something less painful?

I get a paper cut and I'm calling the doctor for some Vicodin. I clip my toenail too short and I'm getting the Neosporin, a bandaid, and sympathy for two days. "Ahh, Emmie, mommie can't get up. I clipped my toenail too short. Would you get me a Diet Coke?"

The dentist? I never go, and when I am forced to, I go to the guy that gives me the happy nose. That's right, getting a cleaning? The happy nose. "But ma'am, you're just here to pay your bill." I don't care!! Give me the nitrous!

The Question of the Day: If Viagra works by making the body produce Nitric Oxide (NO), and a guy goes to the dentist and gets Nitrous Oxide (N2O), does he get an erection while he's getting his teeth filled? "Hey Mr. Smith...looks like you got a little happy nose of your own!"

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My youngest daughter, age 17, is a prude. Not just a prude but an ultra prude. I haven't been allowed in a department store dressing room with her since she was 8. I haven't seen her naked since she was 7. Talk of bodily functions? Forget it. If the kid were being rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance, she wouldn't tell the emts the last time she went pooh. I have never heard her fart, ever, I don't think she does. You get the picture.

I took the 2 female sappers-of-my-youth to lunch and during our discussion of books, I said to the eldest, "You wouldn't like that other book I picked up, it had S&M in it."

"What's S&M?"

As I start giving her the watered down, in public, PG-13, generalized definition of sado-masochism, the Prude sticks her fingers in her ears, as usual, and starts, "La la la la."

"Oh, yeah, I saw something like that on the Playboy channel one night," says the Eldest casually.

More "La la la la" from the Prude.

"It was called 'Men In Bondage'."

The Prude's ears perk up and she looks up from her salad, "Men in bondage?" A grinch-like grin forms and there is a definite twinkle in her eye, "I never thought of that!"

Should I be worried? Am I going to come home one day to find the boyfriend shackled to the wall in a makeshift dungeon in my basement? It could be worse, I guess, Em could be the M.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I read an article yesterday that stated that losing as little as 10 pounds can make you look 4 years older. It said that the plumper cheeks and the softer features gave a more youthful appearance. Yay! Score one for us eaters! Woo Hoo!

There is also a quote from a plastic surgeon that states that "People who are trying to stay stick-thin lose weight from their face sooner than they would otherwise and this is extremely ageing".

"This volume loss can be compounded by yo-yo dieting, where not only do you create volume loss, but also stretching of the facial supporting ligaments due to repeated facial volume gain and loss, which causes deeper nose-to-mouth lines and jowls.

To prove my point, Exhibit A, who looks better, the girl on the left or the girl on the right?

I say let's stay fat and sassy, and look younger too. Anybody want to go out for some hot fudge cake?

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The pond finally cleared up with the new filter and pump so we went to the pet store to get a couple of inhabitants to liven things up a bit.These guys are actually little koi, I just like saying shebunkins. It's fun. Say it with me, she-bunk-ins. Meet Goldie Hawn, Shel Silverstein and Golda Meir.This is Jeff Goldblum and Tiger Woods. These two are a little bigger than the other three. Jeff Goldblum was one feisty character, he kept jumping up completely out of the water in the bag. I think we could train him to jump through hoops.

You can see Shel Silverstein a little bit better here. He is in the lead, followed by Goldie Hawn and Golda Meir. They were very happy to get out of that little fishtank and into a pond.

Tiger Woods and Jeff Goldblum weren't sure which way they wanted to go.

I have to string fishing line around the pond. That's about the only legal way to keep the crane out. They don't land directly in the pond, they land away from it then walk over and step into it. If their skinny legs touch the fishing line, it startles them and they fly away. One did get tangled in the fishing line once and I was freaked out because I wasn't about to go near that thing. That guy's beak could have went right through me. I was relieved when he freed himself after struggling for a few seconds.

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CAUGHT IN THE ACT

I caught these two under the kitchen table in a little love embrace. I thought they didn't like each other. All they do is chase and bite and wrestle and fight.Oh well, like Sheriff Andy Taylor said, "One man's fightin' is another man's dancin'."

Monday, March 30, 2009

I am always jealous of artists because I have no ability whatsoever, so I was impressed with Julian Beever, a famous artist from the UK. All of the pictures here were done IN CHALK on the sidewalks of busy streets all over the world. They are 3-dimensional when viewed from the correct angle.

Can you spot Julian on top of the beer bottle?

If I were walking down this sidewalk, I would walk around for fear of falling in.Politicians falling into a hole.

Incredible! This one is my favorite.How cute is this little red haired girl looking into the picture?

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Heard around our house:

"I just got done poop scooping the backyard and you wouldn't believe the sh*t that was in that sh*t."

"Hey, did you know goob is boog spelled backwards, she said, thrilled with the discovery. Do you think I've been reading too much today?"