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Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 12:19:45 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1119
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=== 1119 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1119
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 12:19:45 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1119
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1114 72 votes blhh6 3fgpd 26ss8 7ezd3 5hve5 19isg 5my83 5arn7 4bvh9 6lqf4
1114 3.1 mean 2.8 3.4 3.5 2.9 3.0 3.7 2.8 3.2 3.2 2.9
--- 1119-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> a slime mold
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I'M SMALL ODE:
}
} An old elm is. A solid elm.
} "So, a mild elm. Mad elm soil? Dam elm soil!"
} Dismal mole.
}
} I Moslem lad. Me a old Slim. Lad Moe Slim.
}
} A slim model: "Me Siam Doll." (Dame is moll!)
} "Laid Moslem?" said me moll.
} "I'm sold male!"
} "Load me, Slim!"
}
} "I sad, me moll. Me a old Slim. Me old Islam. I'm 'a do smell.
} Also, me mild. Is an OLD elm."
} "Am Dole, Slim?"
} "I small dome. Aim do smell."
} "Dam 'ole Slim!"
}
} Sam mild Leo. Sam 'I me doll:
} "I'm Sam O'Dell. I'd same moll!"
} As dime moll: "I'll do me Sam!"
} Mild Sam: "Ole!!"
} (I'll me so mad. Ammo I'd sell? I'll slam model!)
}
} Della is Mom. Dial Moslem. "Mail seldom?"
} (I'll sod me Mom!)
} Meal so mild. Mom slid ale. Ma old smile:
} "Emma is doll. Am semi-doll. Islam Model. Am side moll?" Mom sell
} aid.
}
} Mom led Lisa. I am sold elm!
}
} Lisa, mold me!!
--- 1119-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most astronomically rhetorical, when will the next truly
> spectacular comet approach the earth?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I've proposed to the Russians that we shuttle Jerry Lewis up to the
} Mir space station, and then induce in the station a slight eccentricity
} of orbit sufficient to bring it within the decelerating force of
} Earth's atmosphere to coincide with next year's Labor Day weekend.
} The Mir cabin would be wired for sound and video, of course, and
} the freakish sight of slapstick buffoonery mingled with heartfelt
} pleas for "Jerry's Kids" as cabin temperatures approached the
} burning point of human flesh would be truly spectacular.
}
} Hmm? "Comet," not "comic"?
}
} Well, never mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for muscular dystrophy.
--- 1119-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> "What's so funny about Peace, Love, and Understanding?"
>
> "Nothing. Your haircut, on the other hand..."
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oooh oooh oooh this is one of those easy questions! Yay! I just went
} through about seventy hard, excruciating questions requiring massive
} amounts of thought, and finally I get a bit of a break. Relief,
} too, since dinner is in half an hour and I don't want to get behind.
} Anyway, now for your answer.
}
} *Ahem*.
}
} Nothing. Your haircut, on the other hand...
}
} You owe the Oracle for its services... er... um. Any suggestions?
--- 1119-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, whose 300-mph fastball makes
> Nolan Ryan wish to remove his own name from the
> Hall of Fame,
>
> Does anybody really care about this year's home run race?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Not really, no. But you can't blame the media for what seems like
} a great deal of undue coverage of the McGwire-Sosa race this year.
} The record-breaking frenzy last year left a big want in people's
} hearts for even more records to be broken, and when you look at
} all the records that have the potential of being broken this year,
} it really kind of leaves you yawning.
}
} * Dusty Baker, manager of the San Francisco Giants, is 37 nose
} scratches away from breaking the record for Most Nose Scratches During
} a Regular Season (held by Tony LaRussa, 1074)
}
} * Jeff Blauser (SS, Chicago Cubs) is just 7 away from Most Consecutive
} Strikeouts Followed Immediately By The Interjection "Shuckety-Dang!!!"
} (Roger Maris, 121)
}
} * The Baltimore Orioles nearly broke the record for Number of Beers
} Consumed By Team After Heartbreaking Loss with 174, needing only
} two more beers to top the Mets' 17-1 loss to Pittsburgh on Sept.
} 12, 1969. If they can keep Albert Belle from filling up on pretzels,
} they just might break it before the end of the season.
}
} * Rick Ankiel, rookie pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, is on pace
} to break the Most Major League Game Appearances for Someone Whose
} Name Sounds Like a Part of the Leg (Jerry Pinkietoe, 18).
}
} * Assuming Garth Brooks is recalled to the San Diego Padres' roster
} before the end of the season, he could break the record for Most
} Major-League Games Played by a Famous Person Who Has No Business
} Playing Baseball. This record is currently held by both Martin Lawrence
} and Michael J. Fox, both with zero.
}
} With all this foolishness polluting what everyone was hoping to be
} another record-breaking year in the major leagues, it's no wonder
} they're fixating on McGwire-Sosa again this year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Louisville Slugger and an overpriced cup of
} warm beer.
--- 1119-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rich McGee
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's the difference between a college freshman playing Nethack and a
> barracuda swimming by a coral reef?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Five thousand dollars of tuition and books.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Student Loan.
--- 1119-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, Oracle, most feared man in the Caribbean.
>
> Where can I find some \/\/4R3Z?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant 'F' jumped for joy!
}
} Once again he had gotten yet another answer to his "wares" question.
} He quickly printed it out and tacked it on the wall with all the
} others.
}
} Yes! Oh yes!
}
} He stepped back and looked at them all, the zots, the funny replies,
} the blank messages, the curt replies. He saved them all.
}
} Every wall in his apartment was now covered with them. Soon he'd have
} to start taping them to the ceiling. Oh how grand that would be!
}
} No time to rest though. He had to send in the 'wares' question again
} and sit, so quietly, with his lucky hat on and wait for another reply.
}
} It just didn't get any better than this.
--- 1119-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Where will you live next?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Due to cutbacks in the Olympian housing budget -- too many bloody
} supplicants aren't sending in their tributes, and we don't get as
} many offerings these days as we used to (largely because we're too
} dignified to become televangelists) -- it looks like I'm going to
} have to move in with one of the other deities. It's a bit hard to
} decide whom, though ...
}
} Deity Roommate Advantage Disadvantage
} -------------- ------------------------- -------------------------
} Zeus BMOC. Throws a lot of Has too many girlfriends
} wild parties. (and occasional boyfriends).
} House gets really noisy
} during thunderstorms.
}
} Apollo Bright and cheery Gets up *way* too early.
} disposition.
}
} Artemis Good hunting buddy. Gets royally pissed if
} Doesn't mind pets. you walk in on her in the
} bathroom.
}
} Poseidon Knows how to make really House smells of fish.
} good sushi. Keeps cute Monopolizes the bathroom
} nymphs around. all day.
}
} Hephaestus He's a hacker. He's a hacker.
}
} Bacchus Throws parties even Bloody fscking alcoholic.
} wilder than Zeus's.
}
} As you can see, it's a pretty annoying decision to have to make.
}
} You owe the Oracle the housing classifieds for Sumeria.
--- 1119-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wonderful and great Oracle, whose immense span of knowledge I can
> only dream of in my puny and worthless existence,
>
> As you know, I don't drive, but I have been thinking for some time now
> of maybe getting myself a motorbike. Is this a good idea?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmm, what if some friend came up to you and said;
}
} As you know, I don't swim, but I have been thinking for some time
} now of maybe getting myself some scuba gear. Is this a good idea?
}
} As you know, I don't drink, but I have been thinking for some time
} now of maybe downing a gallon of whiskey. Is this a good idea?
}
} As you know, I'm a wimp, but I have been thinking for some time
} now of maybe going into a biker bar. Is this a good idea?
}
} As you know, I don't, but I have been thinking for some time
} now of maybe turning some tricks. Is this a good idea?
}
} As you know, I don't dance, but I have been thinking for some time
} now of maybe getting myself on Soul Train. Is this a good idea?
}
} As you know, I don't know a joke from a hole in the ground, but I
} have been thinking for some time now of maybe becoming an incarnation.
} Is this a good idea?
}
} You owe the Oracle a cut further away from the bone. Ow.
--- 1119-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most adventurous, you are at once both cagey & lively,
> which is why you are so distinguished.
>
> Should I import arms?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, but only if you can get them second hand. New ones cost an arm
} and a leg, so you'd be paying through the nose.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand grenade.
--- 1119-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rich McGee
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I'm tired. What should i do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Rotate every 10,000 miles.