Le Comte Rollande de Gurgelars VC and Bar, Croix de G.U.R, Medaille d’or called the meeting to order Wednesday the 18th May.

Please provide the names’

Rollande!
Jacqueline
Aaron

Merci!

Thees is de first meeting of the International Measuring committe for zee analysis of zee sealevel in Otago Harbour and possibly South Dunedin. Therfore there are no minutes and no matters arising!

Correspondence:
We have received a stern letter from “Cull the Mayor” advising that he will be appointed chairman of the committtee on his advice.

What should be our response?
Aaron- “Tell him to piss off”
Jacqueline, a frenchwoman:- We have been appointed by a joint International consortium contaIning a large number of scientific orgamisations including The UN and the Nobel committee!
Rollande- Well thank you, I told him that the meeting was yesterday and gave the GPS readings as ten miles off the Chatham coast, I believe it is called le Chatham Rise.

Have you heard from “Cull de Mare” ?

Non!

Sacre Bleu, he may be gone!

Aaron- Amen!

New Business:
Le Comte -We have identified a strategem!

We have seconded a fisherman at le Port Chalmers and a well known resident of Otakou as our scrutineers to daily take le sophisticated measuring devices to zee sea at two fixed places not to be advised due to possible sabotage’ by persons unknown of Le Octagon.

Vee have also purchased two sets of our sophisticated measuring devices to transport under secret at the dead of night to the scrutineers.

Aaron. Can we view the devices and be show zee workings?
Le Comte’s eyes narrowed slightly.

Jacqueline softened the mood by quickly asking “Have vee kept within the budget?”

Le Comte advised- Le Budget is £2 or $NZ – approximately $NZ4

Jacqueline- So are we within cooee? (Jacqueline spent some time in Sydney)

Le Comte- “Whilst this is a commercially sensitive number, I can advise that we are well within budget, but keep it to yourself, it might embarrass the Octagon, Staff’s heads might roll.

Oui- Le Stick! Cut from a sycamore nearby, so sustainable which should bring down huge praises from le Jinty.

le Comte announces- We will meet again next week to determine our stragedy with special attention to tidal matters. I will advise “Cull the Mayor” as to the GPS numbers, but they will probably be someway west of Milford Sound, if the Homer tunnel is closed.

36 responses to “Measuring sea level at Dunedin #DUD”

Frogmen and women are active in our harbour! Sources close to Otaku say this team comprise a Rollande. Warren Zevon says Roland is a Thomson gunner. A Jacqueline, she is a little Jacques, and Aaron of OT fame.

The team say ‘Zee’ a lot, so may be from the Hook of Holland. We won’t have film at (Beck) Eleven.

Hype, thanks for updates. Obvious ponding at Portsmouth Drive, and at Queens Gardens on SH1 last night before 7pm. Did wonder if Mayor Cull was on top of staff monitoring of city stormwater conditions this year…. given DCC chief executive was possibly still overseas and her general manager unfortunately out of commission.

Plus, this time round, were ALL PUMPS working at Portobello Rd stormwater pumping station (?) – and not just screens being checked by staff…. as if (at that particular infrastructure location) screen blockage and er ‘redesign factors’ were only cause of pumping station ‘malfunction’ (as may have been stated for back in June 2015).

Matters Arising:
Aaron H, rises and commences, It is undemocratic to set a low budget like £2, approximately $NZ4. How are we to raise bureaucratic salaries such as the CEO to $1 million p.a., if we set such low budgets.

Mr X, an attractive young minx rose and stated, £2 budget is sustainable and sat down.
Aaron H rose in turn, but what about socialistic principles, the rights of bureaucrats, the 10,000 jobs and the $10,000 per job over ten years? He blubbed.

Mr. X now transgendered to Ms X, responded sympathetically blubbing, Sustainability Aaron is everything and don’t forget it just because “Cull de mare” is unavailable to support me!

M’sieur Le Comte VC and Captain Cook etc., stands having patiently observed this tete a tete’, gentleman and others (allowing for all genders and the four toilet lobby), we must put aside our idealogical differences with the object of continuing within our charter!

I must report that we have contracted with Ngai Tahu as the treaty states and they have been very forthcoming with great assistance once again invoking le partnership zee Treaty of Waitangi!

Loud cheers from the public gallery!

Le Ngai Tahu chief, Matenge Taiaroa, good mate and sadly and unfortunately leaving us recently in a tragic accident has from beyond the grave come to the assistance of this humble committee!

In his will, apart from looking after his whanau, with the wisdom of Solomon he has left a codicil in his will. He states- “For all time and from the present I hereby bequeath the use of the Pylon (pronounce Pilon) of the Otago wharf for the non-exclusive use of the International committee for water measurement in the Otago harbour and the use of the historical records of the Otakou wharf dating back some 150 years to 1865”

The committee then agreed to send a grateful thankyou letter to the Taiaroa whanau lauding the wisdom, wit and intelligence of their kamatua. Unanimously agreed.

A report from the Otakou employee in the principle payment of 1 cent pa on the 150 year readings from the Pilon at the Otakou wharf was then read out.

Le Conclusion:
The Witness- Otakou states, “I have inspected the scrupulous records of the Otakou wharf pilon and I can state categorically that there has been much movement in the water levels at the Otakou wharf of the rununga Taiaroa.

Up? – questions Ms X?

Oui- mamselle, miss or mistress, but also down and every day!

warum is that? She asks?

There is a name for it replies Otakou, Teed (as in teed off) or tide or Tides, something like that a phenomena blamed on the moon and climate change, but mainly climate change is the reason according to “cull de mare”.

Le Comte speaks and what about other factors, say monthly or yearly?

Otakou responds- Well in Spring we have spring tides which seem to have higher marks and neap tides and some lower tidal amplitudes.

Le Comte getting to the nub of the discussion asks and what about the annual measurement on le Fixed stick, le Pilon?

Otakou responds- I can categorically say that given the extensive records provided by the Taiaroa whanau of the Ngai Tahu tribe, who have been represented in the past by highly decorated soldiers, members of parliament and All Black captains as well as chiefly Kamatua have had a major New Zealand landmark named after it with its own Royal family present, according to them the sea level at Otakou has not changed one millimetre, not a sausage, Nix, Nada, Not at All in 150 years. Tides up and tides down, but the wharf stays stubbornly the same distance above the water at highest tides.

So you would take the word of this tribe?

Well they have proven themselves most honourable over 200 years dealing with the invaders and recent records from “le Coast” suggest that they have occupied and farmed this area above and below sea level since over 500 years ago, against them the observations or beliefs of some twenty something otherwise unemployed greenie and “Cull the Mayor”.

Of course I will take the testimony of the whanau first.

After all the “Cull de mare” stated that the sea level at Brighton was higher than the sea level at Pt Chalmers, he does not even understand that sea level means LEVEL, or that the tides are different at various places along the coast by definition, and anyone who would pronounce that the terrible South Dunedin floods were caused by “Climate Change” rather than by sending the only mud tank cleaning truck to Christchurch can neither be trusted to provide the truth, nor to have reasonable judgement required of a supposedly leading citizen!

Cries of “Cull de Mayor” ring around the committee room, not echoed by Madame X., loyal to a fault.

The chairman M’sieur le Comte VC and pub crawl calls for a prayer to the god of mayors past and closes the meeting stating, that the next meeting would be next week whilst “Cull the mayor” was at Lawrence Yule’s place designing new taxes for the poor citizens of South Dunedin!

This all seems like a standard DCC meeting, so why the duplication by this bunch of ‘rag tags’? In their inaugural meeting ; matters arising’ was deftly passed, on the basis of it being the first meeting, thus no minutes previous. That was just a trick when the matter of ‘sea arising’ was side tracked. Meanwhile the ermine and gold of “Cull de Mayor” didn’t get a showing. He was last seen playing fireman racing up a bunch of stairs at Municipal Chambers, so the GPS has really worked a treat. Unless of course he was rushing up the stairs to evade pursuing ‘ground water’. I’m afraid that this committee underestimates the sagacity of “Cull de Mayor” who could well bring the full force of the IPCC upon them. Are they not aware of the treatment meted out by him to Cr Vandervis? Beware the ‘Ides of June’.

Ze Minutes of zee third meeting le Committee’ for ze investigation of sea level rise and fall on the Otago harbour 20th May YOOL 2016

Rollande de Gurgelars VC and Captain Cook, etc and “Cull de Mare” soon to be Sir “Cull de mare” in the chair.

The agenda for de tird meeting as follows.

To discuss the effects of increased action of the waves, the effects of climate change and Eglington road, nominated by “Cull de mare” seconded by Aaron (doomed to be second H.)

De Gurgelars rises to speak, but “Cull de mare” shouts “sit down sit down u leier”

De Gurgelars sits stunned.

CDM (cull de mayor) rises gathers gold chains and pierced ear and speaks in high voice, vee have come here to discuss le effects of climate change on zee wave action on the Portobello road and consequently Eglington road. (For those unaware of Dunedin geography Eglington road is the effective continuation of Highgate running from Kenmure to Lookout point or thereabouts for nitpicking commenters.)

He speaks ignoring the catcalls from the public gallery where at least two women and a couple of concerned blokes very frustrated with inanity reside.

Cull goes on- and on- and on

Yesterday in my mayoral beesickle, driven by le chauffeur was driving/pedalling down ze Portobello road when a strong wind gust followed by a big wave nearly washed me to Larnach’s castle! Sacre Bleu exclaimed Rollande and where you hurt?

CDM – Hurt, I was mortified! For zee sea to attack moi, zee one whom is wasting so much money to defeat it, it was like the empire strikes back! Coos of sympathy from Mr X.

And dis phenomena, zee wave action on Portobello road, what caused this asked number 2?

Climate change stated CDM categorically.

“Climate change nes ce pa” said le deputy chairman de Gurgelars

“What do you propose as a solution.”

“Cull de mayor” stood again and said
“We are going to fight them in the trenches, we will fight them in the valleys and we will fight them on the Egeleterian road!”

Frothing ATM he spake “We will raise zee sandbags at zee Egalatarian road and we will,ban zee use of the words Le, Zee, Ze and also Allah Akbar and any other foreign expressions, we must retain our egelatarian road principles!”

Count Gurglars mortified said, but sir, if your office is going to fortify egaliterian principles, surely we must start by moving towards equating the incomes of your DCC employees at the coal face with those at the top,on a scale similar to the Plato suggestion on a scale of a maximum of 5 times the income of the modest employee working at the coalface not to be exceeded by the various departmental managers and CEO and also that this egalatarianism must be reinforced at the SDHB and the ORC! And would this not at one fowl stroke solve the financial catastrophe that is the DCC and the SDHB?

Cull the Mayor, now very redfaced, rounds on Mr Gurglars and says, “you sir are a Leear, there are no fowl plans to increase the income of F.H. and I now include this Leear word as banned, and I close this meeting forthwith, stop the minutes, ban the hours, place my throne at the sea edge and lets stop the tides!

The meeting devolves into chaos as the two ladies and the men in the public gallery run at the CDM with umbrellas waving and the curtain comes down, Cull,runs off to his tandem bicycle, Mr X on the back seat and pedals quickly south, a wave breaks over the Portobello road as the wind increases, and dumps grass?? from grassy point on them both, the smell can be detected all the way into town!

On his way out, Mr Gurglars mumbles to sancho panza-

Too bad about the minutes of the second meeting and the matters arising! Perhaps at the 4th meeting if we can get the GPS coordinates wrong , we can get back to an organised meeting with good and sage management again. If this tird meeting is any example we are doomed to continue this fiasco for another three years until finally we get Sir Cull de Mayor. He’ll probably go on to the UN then!

So Du-Thee, or Do You or Du You is an expression used annually at annual plan time by the DCC to Dick Turpin du out of 3% of a previously established nonsensical figure destined to impoverish du particularly if you live in unhabitable South Dunedin made uninhabitable by DCC.

Insult to Injury- See above
Theft-Councils suggesting higher rates and taxes to increase pay gaps and establish the opposite of egalatarianism whatever that is.
Eglinton- A road from Highgate to Outlook point
Egalatarian- An antonym for an outfit that pays CEO $400k p.a, whilst paying $30,000
p.a to any person actualy acting as a cleaner
Antonym to Egalatarian- Lawrence Yule or Better still Richard Cranium Yule who promotes higher taxes (rates) to support more RC’s
Richard Cranium- RC or Dick Head
Idiot- A person or Richard Cranium or Group 1 who pays Fulton Hogan NOT to clean mudtanks
Idiot- Insurance Company who pays DCC for flood damage caused by Said Richard Cranium
Synonym- Sin on Him- Could apply to RC Yule, Cull de mare or any other empire builder.

Here is where the Otakou sea level investigation commission has gone astray: “the Sea Level or Un-Level of the sea”. I detect bias. Where is their acknowledgement that at times of heavy rainfall, sea level rises at a higher rate and to levels previously unrecorded during human occupation of NZ?
Don’t rely on Maori evidence, in the years before mass media they honed their skills of sly sense of humour and a tendency to take the piss while maintaining earnest straight face. They were probably catching flounder up North East Valley when wee Jimmy Cook was in nappies, but are they going to tell you? I should cocoa!

HCULA! We need The House Committee on Un Level Activities. Joe McCarthy. There was only ONE man on the Cook Expedition with understanding of Geographical Science. The well connected Tory Snob Joseph ‘Whoops Don’t Mind Me’ Banks. But he was an Englishman. I contend that European science of the C18th did not ‘get’ local, Antipodean, conditions. Only the original inhabitants know which way the winds and bathwater go.

Absent : Cull de Sac, self appointed chairman, on his way from Momona airport.

Special Invitee: The Husband of Blessie Kotinco, Antonio Kotinco.

Le Chairman welcomes the Comite’ members and particulary Senor Katinco. We are very sad about yourvrecent avoidable tragic loss.

Senor, before we go through the formalities we believe that you need to speak.

Antonio, thanks the chairman and commences.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I thank you for the opportunity to speak on behalf of victims of severe bureaucratic errors of judgement, in my case leading to the tragic death of my wife, Blessie, and in your case to severe errors of judgement in the matters of mud tank cleaning, bad design and implementation of cyclelanes, the ratepayer funding of the construction of an overpriced stadium, when the philosophy required private funding, the continued theft of fees to prop up this monstrous liability the blaming of the theft of 152+ cars on one dead man, the proliferation of traffic lights, the stealing of car parks and myriads of other bureaucratic stuffups, too numerous to mention.

In my case I want accountability of those bureaucrats that made these poor, bad and disastrous decisions leading to,the tragic demise of my murdered wife, god bless her, Total Public accountability, in order to ensure that such travesties will never occur again.

Public Servants in New Zealand are not and should always be held accountable for their errors of judgement. After all they are paid ever more ridiculous salaries. There must be risk and reward, not just reward.

Cries of Hear, Hear from le Comte, Jacqueline arise immediately.

A door slams, in strides “Cull de Mayor” Stop Stop, I am ze Chairman, you sir are a Leear, I will not have accountability for anything.

I’m not comfortable with including the horrendous death of Blessie Gotingco and the disgusting excuses for her killer being “supervised” about 15% as much as he needed to keep society, in this terrible case the lovely dearly loved Mrs Gotingco, safe – but indeed it’s all part of a whole picture, a continuum of “it was unavoidable / proper process was followed / and our local favourite about “not relitigating the past”.

“In my case I want accountability of those bureaucrats that made these poor, bad and disastrous decisions” – yes, “sheltered workshops” were all but demolished, the ones for people who couldn’t hold down jobs competing with mentally/psychologically/physically able people but still needing a role doing something useful among other people and earning some money of their own. But do-gooders demanded they must be paid regular wage rates while these workplaces were not regular enterprises, they were hybrid work-therapeutic environments. Meanwhile sheltered workplaces have evolved for the well-paid, the rates and tax-paid. Bonuses are “earned” not by outstanding achievement, not by performing without too many stuff-ups, but merely by staying alive in the job. Stuff-ups are covered up, blame is an Old Testament concept replaced by accountability, which in practice seldom counts. Expensive mistakes are euphemised in the profit, loss and three card monte accounts, and fudged on personal record, nobody is at fault, The System may need lengthy examination by a Commission but each and every person is blameless.

Including those who were responsible for The System… so people’s houses are swamped and their sections strewn with bog-paper and worse (and the council gets in a tizzy about freedom campers!), GPS security bracelets might as well be made of velcro, at least that way they would be readily re-used when offfenders remove them to go about their chosen activities with, as has been shown, sod-all let or hindrance, and most terrible of all good people are at risk because dangerous people – people who prison staff, police and even the parole board recognise are dangerous but hey, why worry, The System or in the case of parole board members themselves ain’t concerned about putting them out where they can do their worst. And so the killer of Blessie Gotingco was tried and found guilty but what about those who built that section of The System and those who used its wriggle room to give him the opportunity to carry out that heinous act?

Who? We (with telescope held to our blind eye) see nobody else who could be held responsible!

I was not comfortable with using that instantly recognisable symbol either Hype, but her husband has made an impassioned plea for accountability to the extent that more than $100,000 has been donated in three days to fight the government of New Zealand on matters of accountability. It will take a lot more than that, and an even handed judge, not in the pockets of the lawmakers, to get anywhere but an obfuscation. Remember that the public servants will spend as much of our money as is necessary to ensure that they cannot be fired for anything except murder. But it is this fortress mentality existing in local, national and international administrations that is the real target. If we could get the rabid climate zealots on this bandwagon we might actually get somewhere in the facing up to corruption in New Zealand.

Rollande – Garros de Gurgelars VC and CC, Croix etc wishes to announce that we The comite’ are unable to hold the weekly meeting of the International Comite’ for the establishment of seas level or unlevel in the Otago Harbour.

The self appointed chairman has gone to the French Open tennis championship at Rolland Garros (named after my ancestor). His website states that he is attending the Open in order to negotiate the holding of the French Open at the Dunedin stadium in May 2017.

He has taken the CEO, the CEO of the stadium, the Delta CEO, a couple of SDHB people, and numerous support staff to ensure the success of the negotiations.

“Cull de Mare” at his press conference at Rolland Garros today stated in french?

“Oui bint zehr curtain mont, zat ze officials of the Tournament are committed to moving the French Open from Rollande Garros next year. Oui have spread largesse all around Paris including two tickets to the Sewage treatment plant, a family pass to the cleaning of the Mud Tank clearing, a couple of sessions of Quarry resource consent losing, lessons on public service access to Trade Me without being caught and the piece de resistance’, how to apportion blame in a huge theft by DCC staff and associates to a cadaver.”

A couple of french officials standing nearby were sporting camel shackles, quite rare and not desirable in Paris and one had bulging pockets with lots of paper featuring An old beekeeper.

“We are confident that with the Graft (redacted) free trips (redacted) personal relations?, and the unbelievable deal we have offered the French we believe that history will be made.”

A french journaliste” stood up and asked and what inducements are you offering “Cull de Mayor” to pinch our Famous Open?”

Mayor Cull puffed himself up and stated:

“We have offered all the gate receipts, all the advertising income, all the food and beverage, and an inducement to ensure the deal is accepted.”

A lone New Zealand journo the young Q. de Gurgelars asked, “but Cull de Mare will not this ensure that the stadium is unprofitable yet again?”

Cull stated the stadium will never be profitable, appearances are everything.

The mayor closed the meeting by saying it is a win/ win for Dunedin, the ongoing financial benefits will be almost $9,000,000 to the citizens of Dunedin.

But Sir Mare how much is the inducements – over $10M says Cull and the cost of your trip, Oh at least $10M says Cull. But we can escalate rates at 3% next year despite zero inflation to cover the shortfall. (In the Background strains of the show must go on are heard.)

[ 28.5.16 ODT: Festival of top cricket; DVML takes over
The news the council-owned DVML is taking over hosting at University Oval from Otago Cricket came as it was announced yesterday the ground would host three internationals over the next two seasons, including a test against South Africa next March. Cont/

27.5.16 Dunedin Venues Latest News: Top International Cricket Matches for Dunedin
Dunedin Venues Management Limited (DVML) is thrilled at the announcement from New Zealand Cricket today of the 2016 – 2018 international match allocation for the city. The calibre of the matches is outstanding and reflects the new business model presented to New Zealand Cricket. Dunedin is changing the way international cricket is delivered in the city. With support from Dunedin City Council and the Otago Cricket Association, the bid submitted for the international cricketing calendar proposed DVML managing the event and taking event delivery to a new level that has not been seen in the city before. The new model intends to create a ‘festival’ event to enhance the match day experience through the introduction of quality food and beverage offerings, entertainment and post-match activity. Cont/ ]

Far be it for me to get eschatological, but the film “Noah” has the deluge coming up from the earth. Some fanciful religionists have it that the planet was once surrounded by a watery atmosphere, like floodwaters in suspension. This talk of water is tedious, Boswell, let us move to Beachy Head.