I don't think its necessary to tell BIL why they can't attend, just that it won't be possible for them to attend due to a full house. I don't think you need to go into detail about how you invited other people when they turned down your invitation.

J, It's not clear to me what you want to do. Are you looking for how you could graciously host them on paper plates and not enough seating or are you looking for the polite way to say no?

Thanks, arila, for asking me to clarify my muddled thoughts.

Originally I posted for a polite way to say "No." Mostly due to the last minute (rude?) question of "can we all come" along with the weather forecast and my inside accommodations.

The more I think about it -- I'm leaning towards finding a gracious way to host on paper plates without enough seating for everyone.

MIL is coming from out of state. I'm betting this is why BIL asked . . . he didn't know that his mother was planning on coming and it's been 6+ months since he's seen her. MIL will come up on Saturday morning, stay for the party, sleep at SIL's home then breakfast with old neighbors, attend a church function and leave Monday morning. So there really isn't a time, other than the party, that BIL can see his mother . . . Jack and Jill are just a side benefit at this point.

So, I'm still on the fence . . . I do agree with everybody that BIL was rude about asking, but I do see his point and would like to accommodate.

Food-wise? I always make plenty so adding a bit more to the side dishes won't be a huge deal.

Serving on paper plates? Not such a paper-plate-friendly type of meal. Would I be a rude hostess if I had regular plates along with some paper plates (I do have the paper plate holder thingy's) on the buffet table? What about the flatware? Mix plastic with the real thing?

What about seating?

Sigh. I really want to accommodate everybody, but am not sure how to do this without being a rude hostess . . . I need to give BIL an answer tomorrow.

Well, why don't you have your BIL and his family bring the things needed to adequately host those extra people - all the plates and utensils and serving dishes and napkins and extra chairs and extra food?

The more I think about it -- I'm leaning towards finding a gracious way to host on paper plates without enough seating for everyone.

TBH I think that's kind of rude to your current guests. As things stand now, everyone who is attending can be comfortably accommodated. But then someone comes along who originally said 'no', then changed their minds and not only that, wants to bring extra people, which in turn will lead to the first lot of people getting a different, dare I say lesser, party to one they RSVPed for.

I'm not at all against parties where people eat off paper plates (I've done it heaps of time myself), and/or there's inadequate seating (BTDT) - if that's the plan from the beginning, which this wasn't. There's also the possibility of Jack and Jill's kids coming as well, which take it beyond the 8 mentioned in the title, and would make things even more crowded.

Well, why don't you have your BIL and his family bring the things needed to adequately host those extra people - all the plates and utensils and serving dishes and napkins and extra chairs and extra food?

I think you could politely ask BIL to bring not only the additional plates/cutlery that you'll need, but also some extra chairs. I personally detest eating away from the table. I hate eating sitting on a couch, I have balancing my plate on my knee, I inevitably spill or drop something, and it's just no way to enjoy good food and drink. Perhaps BIL could also bring a couple of card tables as well.

Alternatively, you could allow BIL to graciously withdraw his attendance from your party so he can attend the other one with his mother.

To me it sounds like you are are accommodating a small group of people, by inconveniencing a larger group of people. Yes, it would be nice if BIL, SIL and MIL, could all get together. but its not your problem. Are you the only one who knows that they will all be in town at the same time. When MIL RSVP'd yes, and made plans to stay with SIL, is it plausible that they didn't think to contact BIL to let him know MIL would be in town?

Looking at MIL's schedule, it doesn't look like they made any plans to meet up with BIL in the first place. So while your event is a great place for them to get together, it looks as if it wouldn't have happened anyway based on MIL's schedule.

Whats your budget? If you have some cash to spare, you can perhaps buy some plates and utensils at a thrift shop for a few cents per piece. They wouldn't be a perfect match to your other plates but they wouldn't be paper and plastic. While you are at it, large throw pillows can make comfy floor seating, especially for teens (maybe if your kids start sitting on them, their friends will follow suit). Alternately perhaps some friends or BIL have some folding chairs they can lend you for the party.

With the additional guests, you end up with 31 and places for 25 to sit to eat.

Would your DD's and their friends be willing to eat picnic style? Set up a blanket on the floor and then top with a cool picnic blanket, have basket of flowers to put in the middle of it and then provide them with really sturdy paper products. You could even throw some cushions down for them if you have some.

So what is important to you - all the guests that you invited to a party? Or making sure your In-laws have a mini get together that they apparently didn't feel the need to arrange for themselves?

I don't think you should ignore the comfort of your other guests so that you can facilitate your inlaws getting together. Based on the fact that you have kids in college they have to be 40+ years old. If they want to get together they can do it themselves and don't need you to tie yourself into knots to do it for them.

I have always thought that your comments here are very gracious and kind, jpcher. I bet that your family cherishes the time that they spend with you, and the things that you do for them.

It's understandable that you want to be able to include everyone in your party. I really like greencat's idea of asking BIL to bring stuff. Perhaps you could compromise by using the paper and plastic, but gently tell BIL that you don't have enough chairs, and could he please bring X number of chairs with him. Maybe you could ask for a table, too, if you are planning that everyone has a table place for the meal.

I suspect that you likely have a way that you could ask for the extra seating without causing offence. Hopefully BIL would then know that his request was a bit out of line. He would have the option of being inconvenienced with bringing chairs, or he would have to entertain his own guests.