Lisa Rhodes

Going To Confession - Poem by Lisa Rhodes

It is always the place I dreadVisiting when I am in between sinsKnowing I have not committed anythingConsiderably terrible like having sexWith a married man who says he is separated.But how does one really know if his wifeLives in Pakistan? It is difficult being singleMeeting with all these divorced men withChildren, wondering how they perceive youAs the right one for them and wondering if They will ever get married again when they complainTheir ex-wife got the house with the Jacuzzi andDrives a Mercedes Benz with her new husbandAnd child. Do I sense a hint of jealously here? Or is thisJust a man burned from his own doing, divorcedHis wife and is now paying his dues? I wonder howMen get so hardened from women they used to loveCalling them whores in their sleep, meeting up with themAt Barmitvahs, summer camp, and high school graduationsBecause they share the same kids. That sperm and eggFusion is the only good thing they claim that came out ofTheir marriage. This keeps them still together, inseparableLike twins battling for the rights to breathing space and yetThey are really a fixture, one needing the other: a faultyLineage binding them to another human being.

I thought there would be an end to going to confession afterThe last one, after I made up my mind to break off with A man I was seeing for over a year, knowing inside he wasNever going to marry me but still hanging on in spite of The rotten sex. Fatigue and misery lay dormant in my gut.When I knew I could not keep silent anymore when my motherPestered me to no end, I confessed. I had no idea whereThe relationship was going so I cried and thenIt was over. I knew in my mind that he knew somethingWas wrong, something I could not hide yet I was awareOf his same old faults: excessive flirting, his shortness, Protruding abdomen and other middle age nuances thatBothered me. In spite of our differences, I confess I knew heWas not in love with me nor did he appreciate the little thingsLike honor, class, virginity, Valentines Day and my independence.I knew I could get better then him.Really I was only testing the shallow waters; I confess