Balancing Self-Acceptance & Self-Improvement

I had gastric bypass September 26th. I talk about it mostly on my Instagram, but I just remembered this page is still up, so here’s an update.

Surgery was September 26th, 2016. My highest weight was 382, my last weight at the surgeon’s office was 372, and my weight on surgery day was 362. Pants were size 32. Today I weigh 279, pants are 20. I’ve had one complication, which is a

I’ve had one complication, which is a stricture/ulcer combo at the spot of where they attached my intestine to my new stomach-pouch. Basically, my body is like, “Hey, there’s a hole in your stomach! WE ARE GONNA FIX THAT SO HARD,” even though it doesn’t need to be fixed. I was throwing up every time I ate for over three months, thinking it was a normal part of the process. Nope. My food just had nowhere to go. I’ve had two endoscopies to fix it so far, and the last one was SUPER fun.

Last Monday, I went into the hospital the night before for insurance reasons, and I was very dehydrated, so they very hydrated me. Like, way-too-much hydrated me. The next morning, while I was having the scope, my heart went crazy, I woke up to people panicking, so I had a major panic attack and ended up on the cardiac floor of the hospital for a day and a half. According to my doctor, all of my tests were 10000000% normal and perfect, except my electrolytes were next to nothing the morning of the procedure from all of the fluids I got. It was a really fun week.

The other complication? Trying to figure out this whole self-love, body-positivity thing again. I was hung up on what the HAES community would think about my surgery for so long. I made so many great friends through this blog (and Instagram!) in the body-positive world, but do I really want to be friends with people who would be mad about me taking my health into my own hands? Nope.

I’ve decided to be an advocate for weight loss surgery because it’s so looked down on in the weight loss/health/HAES communities. I’ve been chronicling the ups and downs I’ve been going through on Instagram, and I wrote a thing about surgery for Greatist! It got picked up by a couple of other sites, who changed the picture on it because mine wasn’t enough of a drastic change, I guess.

Whoa. Hey, old blog. I just realized I never updated this. I’M NOT DEAD. Nor did I have the surgery. My insurance said absolutely not. However, I am having it next month. Maybe. I’m scheduled for the 26th, but I’m not holding my breath after last year.

Other updates: I started making soap and candles and it’s the best. My Etsy shop is officially launching next month. I finished grad school and had a pretty sweet contract with the school, working on SEO for their site and their YouTube account. That’s over now. I’m going to the beach on the 10th and trying not to spend any money at all until then, which is proving incredibly difficult because I just want to buy all of the fragrance oils for soap.

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Ugh. So. I should have had my surgery a week ago, but here I am with my digestive system still in the same configuration it’s always been.

Friday before surgery, I got a call from my surgeon’s office saying they forgot to send in my information to my new insurance company, but they’ll send it in first thing on Monday and we’ll go from there. There was an opening for surgery tomorrow, so no big. Then I get a call Wednesday. My new insurance said absolutely not because even though I lost 25 pounds in the past month, I was still .2lb more than when I started this whole thing. If I want to, I can lose another 10 this month and they’ll consider it, but I’ll probably have to go through the whole six months of bullshit again.

Yeah, not happening. I’ve put off applying for jobs for over a month since I was waiting for this surgery. I don’t have time for this. Plus, so much bad shit has happened since I started trying to have this surgery three years ago that I’m taking this as a big sign that I shouldn’t have it done right now.

I did have a little bit of a pissed-off eating binge, but I got everything back under control. My very fabulous friend Robin (who just went through WLS herself) told me I have 48 hours and then I have to get myself together. So I did. And here I am.

I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy over the past week. Being poor is the worst. I’ve sold a couple of cross stitch things, at least, and my Jamberry business is still going strong, but I really do need regular employment. Praying to Norma something good happens soon.

To review, my pre-op diet is 3-4 high protein shakes a day, plus a small dinner that includes protein and veggies. And all the water I can handle between all of that. I’ve only hit 3 protein shakes one day that I can think of. Four shakes seems out of control. Especially considering that all of these protein shakes make me shit forever. According to everyone I’ve asked in the various weight-loss surgery groups I’m in on Facebook, this is normal. This shouldn’t be normal. This is torture. I’m, like, afraid to leave my house. Speaking of.

I had my sleep study on Friday night. I think I would have rather have been home pooping. I mean, the people there were nice and the bed was comfy, but how do they expect anyone to sleep with all that stuff attached everywhere? Also no one warned me there would be BIG GLOPS OF GLUE in my hair. I have my second sleep study this Friday and I’m seriously considering shaving my head before then. They woke me up and sent me on my way at 4:15 in the morning, so I got to drive in the dark while still half asleep, then had to almost break into my house because the door was locked and everyone was asleep and I forgot I had a key, THEN wash my hair like 34 times to get it all out. And then I passed out and slept until noon. It was pretty eventful. Super excited to do it all over again!

I also had my preop blood work, chest x-ray, and anesthesia consultation on Friday before my sleep study. Pretty sure they took all of my blood. It was kind of stressful. I think I might be dehydrated (see image above) because I almost passed out when I was watching them take my blood. I usually love that. I think it’s fascinating. Not this time. Nope. Also could not pee in a cup no matter how much water they gave me. It was fun. You guys are learning so much about me today.

I can’t believe I’m having this surgery in a week. This is nuts. I just want to get it over with at this point, but I’m sure I’ll be freaking out by the end of the week. As much as I hate this semi-liquid diet, I’m kind of glad I’m on it now so I’m sorta used to doing it for a few weeks after surgery. I really just want an Asiago cheese bagel from Einstein Bros. right now, though. homerdrooling.gif

Two weeks from now, my guts will have been rearranged and I’ll probably be miserable. Yikes. Today, though, is my first day on the gastric bypass pre-op diet, which is 3-4 protein shakes and a small dinner (think one chicken breast and a side of veggeis) for the next two weeks. I’m not mad about it yet. I’m sure I’ll be mad about it by tomorrow. Food has been my best friend since I was, like, 5. I’m still working through The Beck Diet Solution, which is not so much about dieting as it is using cognitive therapy to work on your relationship with food. I started reading it a few months ago when I had my psychological evaluation for surgery and the therapist I saw recommended it, but I kind of forgot about it until recently. It’s been helpful, though.

My life rn.

I’ve been applying for so many jobs for after surgery. No calls back yet. I still haven’t received my first unemployment payment yet and it’s been well over a month since I filed. Being poor is terrible. I have -$80 in my checking account because I was like $10 short on my Geico automatic payment and got overdrafted to death. And I just remembered my car payment is due today. Ugh. I should probably put on pants and go to the bank and deposit the last of my cash. I just typed “the last of my pants.” I have lots of pants. If Honda would take pants as payment, I’d be all set. Five more payments to go and the CARDIS is all mine!

I’ve had this note on my whiteboard for the past three months that just says “blog.” I guess it’s time to do something about that, so here I am.

I always say I want to write more regularly, but I can’t ever make myself do it, especially now that school is over. Here’s the thing, though.

I finally have a surgery date.

I’ll be having gastric bypass on July 6th.

Yipes.

I’m also going on vacation for the first time in forever the week of June 21st. I have to have two weeks of a semi-liquid diet, meaning 3-4 protein shakes instead of breakfast and lunch, then a small dinner. Guess when this starts! June 22nd! Yay! This is going to be the best vacation. I’ve been having food funerals for like three weeks now. I think I’ve gained like 20 pounds, but it’s been a delicious 20 pounds.

So, yeah. I’m going to write about this whole thing. I am. I swear. I’m gonna do it.

In other news, I became a Jamberry independent consultant a few months ago. I know, right? That doesn’t sound like my thing at all. I’m surprised, too! It’s totally my thing now. Over the past two months, I’ve made almost as much with Jamberry as I have with my regular job. It’s pretty crazy. Want a free sample? You do. I know you do. Click here and let me know.

That’s really all I’ve got for now. I just wanted to feel less stressed about the note on my whiteboard, tbh. I love you all very much. Have a good night. Make good choices. I’ll see you soon.