Get Your Creep On: There’s a New Human Barbie

A few months back we honored human Barbie Valeria Lukyanova with her very own Break.com trading card to celebrate the fact she’s 6 kinds of insane. It turns out we were wrong, as she’s even crazier than we’d first guessed. To start, crazy Barbie is an aspiring Breatharian, Breatharians being a mix of frauds and the tragically ignorant who think they can stop eating and drinking altogether to live on fresh air and sunlight. They achieve this via what we just said, either outright fraud, meaning they really do keep eating in secret, or they literally starve to death like a Swiss woman a few years back.

Old Human Barbie is also a bit of a racist insofar as she’s convinced women were all more attractive in the 1950s and 60s (God knows how she’d know that aside from looking at movie stars who have sort of consistently been attractive since film was a thing), thanks to races not mixing. See, since races mix nowadays, everyone got ugly. Maybe that’s part of the reason she finds children “repulsive,” who’s to know? Suffice it to say, she doesn’t want to have a family. Not that her creepily malformed body could handle such a thing anyway.

But Lukyanova Barbie is yesterday’s news because there’s a new Barbie in town and, ironically, she’s in the same town as old Barbie; Odessa, Ukraine. What the hell is wrong with the Ukraine that this keeps happening there? Is this part of Putin’s master plan?

New Human Barbie is Alina Kovalevskaya and, unlike the insane previous Barbie (did we mention she thinks she’s from outer space? Old Human Barbie thinks she’s from outer space), new human Barbie is less of a psychological fart start on the underpants of a broken psyche and more of just a chick who likes dolls.

Old Human Barbie has undergone enough surgeries to make herself look like she’s hot from about 40 yards away and then slowly becomes more and more freakshow horrific as she gets closer to you. New Human Barbie has had no surgeries and, as a result, looks human at any distance, which is an admirable quality. This in turn means that, at arm’s length, whole old Human Barbie may make you afraid she’s being directed by Eli Roth to maybe eat your skin in the next scene, new Human Barbie is just kind of cute. Call that a win for her.

New Human Barbie also eats food, as near as we can tell, while old Human Barbie is currently sustaining herself on carrot juice and chutney until she gets that whole Breatharian thing down. So score another point for the new.

New Human Barbie basically uses clothing and make up to enhance her appearance, making her Barbie aspirations a kind of cosplay, which we’re spiritually obligated to get behind given how much we like cosplay. Old Human Barbie is a Greek tragedy.

New Human Barbie used to be friends with old Human Barbie until she decided she’s someone she never wants to speak to again. That’s the polite, European way of saying that Old Human Barbie probably showed off some kind of makeshift alien, Nazi shrine to racial purity that she sacrifices small animals to and no longer wants to associate with her. (Ed. Note – we said “probably.” Break.com and Defy Media are in no way implying or suggesting that crazy, awful human Barbie Valeria Lukyanova sacrifices animals or children to a racist alien god or that she has any particular affinity for Adolf Hitler and his policies of racial cleansing. Because we said “probably.” It’s just a guess.)

So as of today, for all your Human Barbie needs, we’re going to have to recommend you turn to new human Barbie Alina Kovalevskaya. She’s the right choice.