Advanced Weapons Tested For Destroyer That Will Never Destroy Anything

WASHINGTON — Engineers at Naval Sea Systems Command are set to begin the next phase of their ongoing plan to test the effectiveness of emerging surface warfare technologies the Navy will never get to employ in actual combat this week, the Command announced.

“For heaven’s sake, we don’t actually want to ever use these weapons systems in battle,” said head of NAVSEA, Vice Adm. William Hilarides. “If we abuse this technology we might accidentally win a war, and that’s just an irresponsible use of smart power.”

Engineers hope to install an electromagnetic railgun on the fourth planned Zumwalt-class destroyer, USS Wesley R. Crusher, currently under construction at Bath Iron Works in Maine. Railguns send high-powered electromagnetic pulses along a set of rails to shoot a projectile at supersonic speeds. Conventional naval guns use a chemical propellent and lack the “swag factor.”

“Firing that monster will be like getting an unmodified critical hit every time you roll the dice, ” said one engineer, who asked to be called “Paladin69.” “The magnitude of the force vector is just so freaking cool.”

NAVSEA will continue to use Zumwalt class ships as testbeds to employ various types of directed energy weapons that will never see a moment of combat in future crises. Ship-based 30kW multi-laser systems, capable of incinerating UAVs in flight or consuming water borne IEDs, will thankfully be rendered useless under severely restrictive and obscure rules of engagement.

“It’s simply not fair to use such advanced weaponry against bush league felonious thugs armed with simple small arms and machetes, or other existential threats,” said Hilarides. “The utter defeat and elimination of our nation’s enemies is not the tradition of the American Armed Forces, and we won’t break with tradition.”