... My original argument was because I thought Toots' son (which is where this all started ) minded the former. I completely understand him minding the latter. I would too - despite my gift-giving difficulties.

Well, I will say that when it is his **closest** circle, I think my own particular son on would object even to being directly asked for ideas. He'll drop hints though, so it's not like ideas aren't available if you're paying attention. (and now I can't remembe which Yu-Gi-Oh card set he said he wanted.

My parents live on the other side of the country. I can be as observent as I want, but short of asking I have no way of knowing what they already have.

And if someone got annoyed with me for needing to ask, that would be the last time I bought them something.

Even then, there are better ways to go about it than straight up asking them. My sister and I have been minimally a 3 hour drive apart for the past ten years. I see her maybe 4 times a year, if that.

If I want to buy her (for example) a charm for her bracelet, I call my mum, who sees Sis at least once a week, and ask her if she knows whether or not Sis has that charm (or a similar one) already.

If the person has to put an order in, then I really think you might as well get them a gift card. It acomplishes exactly the same thing, and after all, isn't that what gift cards were invented for? For people who you find it difficult (for whatever reason) to buy for?

I once proposed that my far-flung family of origin, and the kids (nie-phews) should all draw names at Christmas, and then we'd have an entire year to come up with a present. The idea was that then I'd have a serious motivation to really listen to my brother/nephew/niece, and watch their Facebook feed, etc., to come up with a gift idea. And an entire year to do it.

It would motivate me to pay close attention, and hopefully then be something that made the two of us feel closer.

Some people make that easier, because they drop hints. (My nephew remembered me waxing poetic about finding a Pearson's Salted Nut Roll, because they're not available here; his present to me was a big pack of them!)

And as with that example, it's also easier when you don't get too wrapped up in whether something is "gift-worthy"--my ILs are bad present buyers because they have somewhat restricting ideas of whether something is appropriate to give as a gift--12 candy bars would not make the cut.

My mother's advice for when you have no idea is to find something *you* like, and share it with that person. So maybe music you loved; a food item you enjoy eating; an uncommon gadget that you think is incredibly clever and useful.

I am starting to get a lot of anxiety about holiday gift giving! I have no idea which of the stated preferences apply to my family members and, given the range of possible offenses, I am bound to screw it up by either asking, not asking, or some combination of the two. It is a minefield, I tell you!

You're not alone, citadelle, judging from the comments on this thread. And that just makes me sad. (I've been in that mood myself, and it was really joy-robbing.)

Sometimes, in my pessimistic mood, I think that this sort of reaction means we should just stop giving presents. That the purpose is lost, there is too much stuff in people's lives, and we should just drop the rope. Instead, sit down with people (or call them) and have a nice chat, and call it good.

For one thing, how can you "screw it up"? If you give a gift chosen with affection and some level of thought that makes -you- feel closer to the person you're buying for, you can't possibly go wrong. Even if the person doesn't use it, it won't be wrong. We set up impossible standards. The only real purpose of a gift is to say "I love you."

For one thing, how can you "screw it up"? If you give a gift chosen with affection and some level of thought that makes -you- feel closer to the person you're buying for, you can't possibly go wrong. Even if the person doesn't use it, it won't be wrong. We set up impossible standards. The only real purpose of a gift is to say "I love you."

Well, apparently, you can screw it up by asking what the person wants.

Look, I'm sure many people *prefer* the giver to have put deep, considerate thought into a present. But some people aren't able to do that (it takes a certain sort of imagination, that not everyone has). Some people *really* hate the thought of giving a present that the person doesn't use, because they hate wasting money. And some people have simply too much complication in their lives around the holidays for figuring out, say, twenty presents that will be tailored to twenty separate people on their list. So, they ask, with the best of intentions, "What would you like?"

Again, this may not be ideal for the recipient. But being "hurt" or "offended" is an overreaction. Not that teenagers overreacting is an unexpected occurrence, but I hope that eventually your son's reaction to that question will become "mild annoyance". "What would you like?" means, simply, "I love you, and I want to get you something that pleases you," not "I don't care to make an effort to figure out your preferences."

Logged

My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

And it's not that he's judgmental and thinks that person is a horrible human being--his -feelings- are hurt.

That, frankly, is the danger of "should" in relationships. He feels that people who know him "should" be able to get gifts without suggestions and interprets their need as something about him and their relationship and not something about them. Others have pointed out plenty of reasons why someone who knows him and loves him still might want some input. Sadly, unless he learns differently, he's in for a lifetime of disappointment. People, even those who love us and know us well, don't always conform to the script we write for them. "Should" is extremely damaging to relationships.

I think that Twik covered it very well above.

Logged

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Can't he just answer with a more vague answer - so the relative is happy that they aren't duplicating but will still get something he has a good chance of liking but he still doesn't give an exact wantso a'I'd like a sweatshirt, my size is X''I like books by Awesome author, I already have books 1-3 in the series''I'd like to add to my lego collection, it doesn't matter if I get duplicates''I'd like to try unusual sweets/candies''My parents are giving me a car/kindle/ipad so anything related to that'

My daughter has just given my parents a list of all the Jacqueline Wilson books she hasn't got, while she knows she is getting books she doesn't know which, my son did the same thing with skylanders

Can't he just answer with a more vague answer - so the relative is happy that they aren't duplicating but will still get something he has a good chance of liking but he still doesn't give an exact wantso a'I'd like a sweatshirt, my size is X''I like books by Awesome author, I already have books 1-3 in the series''I'd like to add to my lego collection, it doesn't matter if I get duplicates''I'd like to try unusual sweets/candies''My parents are giving me a car/kindle/ipad so anything related to that'

My daughter has just given my parents a list of all the Jacqueline Wilson books she hasn't got, while she knows she is getting books she doesn't know which, my son did the same thing with skylanders

Agreed. "What do you want for Christmas?" doesn't necessarily mean "give me your order, and I'll place it for you." It can mean, "what makes a good present for you?"

"Historical non-fiction," is as good an answer to that question as "I'd like God, Germs and Guns, hard cover, here's the Amazon link...."

Logged

My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

My parents live on the other side of the country. I can be as observent as I want, but short of asking I have no way of knowing what they already have.

And if someone got annoyed with me for needing to ask, that would be the last time I bought them something.

Even then, there are better ways to go about it than straight up asking them.

It's kinda hurtful to be told that there "are better ways" when this is literally the only way that works for some of us. Sure, there are better ways for you, but please, please, please believe us that that isn't the case for everybody.

If someone truly doesn't have even the slightest idea what to get me for a gift, I would much rather that they gave me a gift card instead of asking me to tell them exactly which gift to purchase for me.

At least that way I have the fun of shopping for the item myself.

I don't see gift cards as not well thought out gifts....I see them as free money that can't be spent on bills or saved. Now I love well thought out gifts from someone who knows me well, but I certainly don't see gift cards as a lesser gift in the slightest.

I am one of those people who likes to put a great deal of time and thought into the gifts I give others. I know that not everyone enjoys that or even wants to spend that much time and energy on gift giving. So, a gift card works just fine for me in those situations as I truly enjoy them.

Like a previous poster, if there is something specific I want, I buy it for myself. I also have a sister who does NOT enjoy gifts that she doesn't pick out herself. I give her gift cards and she is then happy, because she can pick out what she wants for herself.

If someone truly doesn't have even the slightest idea what to get me for a gift, I would much rather that they gave me a gift card instead of asking me to tell them exactly which gift to purchase for me.

At least that way I have the fun of shopping for the item myself.

I don't see gift cards as not well thought out gifts....I see them as free money that can't be spent on bills or saved. Now I love well thought out gifts from someone who knows me well, but I certainly don't see gift cards as a lesser gift in the slightest.

I am one of those people who likes to put a great deal of time and thought into the gifts I give others. I know that not everyone enjoys that or even wants to spend that much time and energy on gift giving. So, a gift card works just fine for me in those situations as I truly enjoy them.

Like a previous poster, if there is something specific I want, I buy it for myself. I also have a sister who does NOT enjoy gifts that she doesn't pick out herself. I give her gift cards and she is then happy, because she can pick out what she wants for herself.

I love getting gift certificates too, so certainly don't mind giving them as gifts either. So knowing you like them would be plenty sufficient "gift suggestions" for me

I want too many specific things for me to go buy them all, so my wishlist is always a mile long Included on that are gift certificates to amazon.com, amazon.co.uk and iTunes all