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This Christmas everyone in my family got Whiskey Stones. No, it’s not a contagious, alcohol induced, second cousin to kidney stones. Whiskey Stones are a good thing.

Whiskey stones are an elegant substitute for ice. Since the invention of soap, people have been avoiding mixing rocks and dirt with their foods. Whiskey Stones bring back a man’s primal urges to mix his libations with cold hard minerals and get the earth closer to his mouth.

A few frozen Whiskey Stones can be added to lowball drinks to keep them cold. Since they are made out of rocks, they will not melt like their inferior competitor, ice. Whiskey Stones can also be microwaved for 30 seconds giving them lasting drink heating power for coffee or tea. The high heat capacity of soapstone gives both hot and cold modes a lasting effect, perfect for slower drinkers and children.

There are rules to using Whiskey Stones:

You never touch Whiskey Stones

You never touch Whiskey Stones!

Learned from experience, microwaved Whiskey Stones reach and sustain a temperature rivaling lava or the sun. Whiskey Stones should only be picked up with welder’s gloves or plutonium tongs after microwaving. Also, if your frail human body contains over 75% water, do not touch frozen Whiskey Stones or risk making them a permanent member of your phalanges. I would have 911 at the ready if you’re thinking about putting a frozen Whiskey Stone on your tongue.

Whiskey Stones work as advertised, with subtle effects. They don’t make drinks as cold as ice, but the fact that they don’t melt means your liquor taste doesn’t change over time. Wine can also be chilled with the stones. Only an uncivilized neanderthal would put ice in his wine. The soficitated gentleman chills his wine with a handful of rocks.

They also do a decent job keeping coffee and tea hot for a longer amount of time. I’m afraid to place frozen stones into a hot drink for fear they’ll shatter, but I’m guessing they would be a suitable, non-water substitute for cooling down your oatmeal or hot chocolate. The only drawback to Whiskey Stones is that you have to wash and dry them before putting them away, which is difficult to do with ice. However, they win over ice in the fact that there is no practical way to use microwaved ice in a drink.

Whiskey Stones are also environmentally friendly since you don’t have to waste water (save it for the whales). You’ll realize these savings in about 4000 years.

Today’s generation can’t comprehend those confusing words. New pilots usually take 15 minutes to read off their call number to the tower because they simply can’t remember the old words associated with the letters. What’s a Foxtrot you ask? There’s no time to look it up when you’ve got a to land a plane or launch a missile.

It has been under-reported that a pilot was sucked out of a hole in the fuselage of a 737 on a recent Southwest flight. The trainee copilot didn’t know how to land the plane so the head flight attendant had to take control. Unfortunately, she didn’t know the military alphabet and they ended up landing at the wrong airport. The flight attendant was fired for safely landing at the wrong airport. An outrage on many levels!

Had the flight attendant known the appropriate codes, she could have easily landed safely at the correct airport in San Diego. Southwest’s pilots did not think that flight attendants could remember the military alphabet so they never taught it to them. Fortunately there are many words in the English language that are more readily recognizable to our spastic generation.

Today the FAA and the United States Armed Forces introduced a new alphabet code to make it easier to for all civilians and officials to learn:

Flight Attendant: Our Pilot got sucked out of the roof! I can’t fly a plane!

Tower: No problem. It’s just like riding a bike. We can talk you through a landing at the nearest airport. Set course at Two Seven Niner to land at Youtube Uggs Metallica!

Flight Attendant: Sir we can’t land in Yuma! I have sworn duty as a flight attendant to fly these people back to San Diego! Get me emergency instructions for Sheen Amazon Netflix, Netflix OMG Whiskey or we are Sheen Handjob Ikea Twitter in the water!