Eve is a sandbox, and we are the meddlesome toddlers who take your favorite toy when you’re not looking

Anatomy of A Tear: AKTOK The Terrible

Naturally, choosing a path such as ours in Eve is going to garner you a few strong (and poorly) worded messages of hate and threats of violence. One of the perks of being the head-honcho of this fine alliance though is that I get even more of these mailed-in weepies, sometimes without even the slightest idea about whats being cried about.

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t absolutely relish getting one of these “one of your members was a mean poopy-head and hurted my feelings and also my ship” eve-mail out of the blue; they’re usually hysterical, since half the time I haven’t even heard the story about whats happened yet before I’m getting boo-hoos from people who still haven’t figured out that this isn’t Hello Kitty Online.

One such mail I received the other day was so awesome, so immeasurably perfect in its sobbing and broken composition and execution that it would be a crime not to share it. Behold:

ya like playing games do ya………………..??????, aiden, thats a fucking gay name for starters, well with ya big fuckoff member count, and your pussy fucking alliance, gee let me think…………. Kal’rekDARKVALE ya see ive seen things, done things, owned my own stations, with etheral dawn, sadly lost to russians, but hay ho, im going to make my life in eve, you, morning noon or night, lustravik, lol, your a snidey underhanded basted, and im going to own you, think im full of shit, wardec me, i beg ya, ill give the 50 mill to do so, its coming mr big, so 206 member count, plus, 30 that prolly play, hmm, do you live in england, >??? id like to meet you, ya know, face to face, no key pad, the problem your going to have, is which direction its coming from, hmm should i use corp/alliance or others corp/alliance, its a tricky one, dont you agree,

O YEAH, SORRY, ISK IS NO PROBLEM TO ME, AND THE HULK AND ORCA YOU BLEW, PENNYS, EVERYTIME YOU LOG ON KNOBHEAD

Wow.

Lets go back to the fact that I have NO idea who the hell this guy is or what he’s going on about. Hunting around our KB for the random other characters he listed off, I found this old gem. Darkvale, flying a Widow, somehow got himself caught in a Suddenly Ninjas can-baiting op on the Sivala gate. After accruing corp aggro and getting pounced on by 7 giggling ninjas with cloaks, Darkvale decided that the best solution to his predicament was to smartbomb the Sivala gate itself as well as the 40-odd other neutral ships sitting right on it. Woops.

Alas, I was still unaware that I had recently “blown” any Hulks or Orcas (or anything else for that matter) until I noticed the alliance that AKTOK destroyer-of-words belonged to. Xa Fel, a member of SN, had recently been getting recruitment requests by a mining corp that also belonged to The Serpents Eye Alliance (insert penis joke here). Since neither him, myself, or anyone else could deduce why in the world a mining corp would try and actively recruit a member of Suddenly Ninjas, he jumped right into it to see what would happen.

Of course, the inevitable happened. Xa waited until a mining op night like a good little ninja and killed 2 hulks (1, 2), an Orca, and the CEO’s pod. And there was much rejoicing.

Now, being such perfect example, I thought I’d spend a few minutes analyzing this little magnum opus to really get inside the head of this burgeoning psychopath and to give you, the reader, a brief anatomy lesson of a tear:

1.) The abundant use of periods, without ever actually ending a sentence. Remember kids, friends don’t let friends use stream-of-consciousness composition as a literary device (unless you happen to be writing about kool aid, acid, and the hells angels, with nods to Tom Wolfe). As an editorial note to future hate-mailers, lets just throw it out there that compressing your thoughts and emotions intoonegiganticlylongramblingsentencewithnopunctuationsorspaces does not in fact add anything to your point. Actually, it more-so does the opposite, kind of like:

2.) VICIOUSLY TYPED ALL-CAPS! Because nothing says “I’m SO mad right now!!!1111” quite like the caps-lock key. If are unable to formulate your thoughts into cohesive messages, changing the size, style, or font of said un-forumulated thoughts isn’t going to change that.

4.) Boasting! There’s really nothing in this game that says “I’m a giant carebear who’s never left high-sec and I play Eve with my own fist up my ass” better than claiming to have “seen things”. However shrouded in vagueness, your eye-roll-inducing brags of “owning stations”, “conquering null ‘back in the day'”, or the ubiquitous “I’m <insert famous Eve name here>’s alt” comments make you look, well, dumb. But don’t stop, because they’re amazing.

5.) My personal favorite: Real Life Threats!

“id like to meet you, ya know, face to face, no key pad, the problem your going to have, is which direction its coming from”

Awesome sauce Aiden, I never get tired of reading this shit. I looked on the boards, he was part of ED, they did lose space to Russians, but I doubt he personally took part in any PvP or owned any stations as he has no kills to his name.

ED came back as a failed part of my ex-alliance The Initiative, they get an A for effort but are mostly terrible so I don’t know what he’s bragging about.

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