Love, laugh and live

Monday, April 25, 2016

My aunt died last week at aged 91. She was in my experience
of her, a difficult lady. However, I both liked and loved her. And she was a
lady. She was stunningly beautiful, except she was the only person never to
know or accept that fact!

Her Mother, my Nana Deeney, used to tell her all the time,
when she was young, that she was ugly and that her eyes were like two holes in a
sheet! Folks you should have seen the beautiful child she was with a massive
head of fabulous curls. Now I know where I got mine! She was tall and straight
and elegant and a very good looking lady. She was softly spoken, until she
became angry and then she’d scare the devil himself!

She was widowed about 40 years and had two boys and a girl.
Her eldest son died 5 years ago or so.

Her only daughter lives abroad. Her youngest son, lived
fairly near her. They were estranged.

My growing up with her, as she slept in our house during the
day, while we went to school and my parents to work. She was a nurse and did
the night shift in Cheshire homes near Glanmire. She qualified as a nurse in
the UK and after almost rearing her children; she went to work in Cheshire
Homes. She also did a lot of private nursing and even went to San Francisco to
nurse a lady after she had had a very bad car accident. I thought it very brave
of her, I must say, as she was in her 60’s at the time. She got the job because
she lied about her age! I’m smiling as I write this, because I was a bit stunned
when she told me this, that Kathleen would actually have the balls to lie about
her age. Would you believe me when I tell you, she worked up to 71 years of
age! That is true; she did work up until that age. I'm telling you she was some
lady.

She was very bitter towards her dead husband; by all
accounts they did not have a good relationship. Her lack of self-worth tortured
her, all her life.

It is her death I wish mainly to speak about. I saw her last
December 8th, as she was dying at the time, least that is what we
were told. It’s not that I disbelieve this, Kathleen rallied around and died on
the 14th April.

My sister phoned me that morning to say the nursing home had
phoned her to say that Kathleen died in her sleep. For the previous 6 to 8
weeks she had refused food, water and her medication.

Later that day, my sister phoned me again to prepare me for
seeing her corpse, she said Kathleen was emaciated.

I didn't see Kathleen until her removal last Saturday and
all I saw was a skeleton with skin. She was, and forgive me for saying
this, the ugliest corpse I had ever seen. Did she become an ugly corpse,
because in life she had always believed she was ugly?!? I don’t know the answer
to that. Her funeral has left me with great sadness, which I am currently
unable to get past! Only that I knew better, I’d have said, that corpse was not
my aunt Kathleen.

Neither of her adult children came to the funeral. And I'm
not past this either. I'm not angry with them, I just have this huge sadness
inside of me that in the dying of your parent, no matter what they've done, you
forgive. If for nothing else, at least you have closure. But maybe they didn't
need or want closure?!?

Her friends came up and asked us where her children were and
we replied they didn't come.

My sadness is too for my cousin’s children, as whether or
not my cousins realise it or not, they've ensured that this trait, (for the want of a better word), whatever it
is, gets passed on to their children and therefore they probably unwittingly
have propagated whatever it was in their family history onto their children and
grandchildren. Because what is left not healed after we are gone, gets left to
future generations to heal. And so, hurts left unhealed, hurt our children and
their children albeit unconsciously.

The funeral wasn't all sad, I like funerals as they level
everyone there! Meaning, we are all going out the same way! No escape.

My Monaghan, Derry, Mayo and Cork cousins came, well as many
as could come. Each side of the families were very well represented. I have to say,
it was such a joy and a treat for me to meet all those cousins, as I don’t
often get to meet them. When my brother-in-law and three Monaghan cousins
carried the coffin out of the funeral home, I was hit with a dart of grief.
Mainly at how proud Kathleen would be, to see this act of love from her family.

After the church we descended on a local hotel, as most of
us who travelled were staying there for the night. I ate and chatted with a few
of the Monaghan cousins, they all drank tea, I had wine! I don’t drink tea.
(For now I won’t say anything about the fluoride content in tea and in Irish
water.) Soon afterwards, my extended & immediate families were both eating
and drinking. We caught up on each other’s lives, their children, whom I have
not yet met, well the Monaghan 2nd cousins! Later on my parents
& my Dad’s only brother left with my Mum and aunt. The only member of my
family not to be there was my brother, who was in Australia with his wife,
visiting their only daughter. My brother had been extraordinarily kind to
Kathleen and we missed his presence there. I have to say the craic was mighty
and I was slagged off for being “Nuts
& Bolts” and some other adjective, which escapes me just now! Oh the
adjective was “Whacko” LOL!

Later on five cousins went across the road to another pub, I
was on water at that stage and then one of my Monaghan cousins and I went into
the hotel disco…….. Well, that’s saying it quite loosely! It was, in my
opinion, a techno dance! We had two dances and left . Not my scene at all!

The following morning more cousins arrived, some driving
through the night and others leaving at the crack of dawn to be there. We all
assembled in the hotel foyer and made our way to the church for Kathleen
funeral Mass. Nearly all the cousins had readings, prayers of the faithful or
some job to do, like organising flowers. Near the end of Mass, one of my Derry
strong female cousins asked if we ladies could carry the coffin, as they always
do in Derry. I was thrilled, because I had always wanted to shoulder a coffin.
So when Mass was over, five nieces and one grandniece carried Kathleen out of
the Cathedral. I don’t know what this looked like, however, I was so honoured
to be a part of shouldering Kathleen out of the church. My male cousins and
brother-in-law brought Kathleen to her resting place.

We were lucky with the weather in that it was dry, but
bitterly cold. You know that awful biting Easterly wind. Then we headed back to
the hotel for something to eat. There were 30 family members there and one old
family friend of my Dad’s, uncles and Kathleen’s. Almost as soon as we had
eaten, people began to depart, lots of them had huge journeys ahead of them. So
we hugged and said adieu.

What amazed me was the loyalty the Deeney clan has for their
own, I hadn't thought about it before, but it was as obvious as the sun shine.
Kathleen’s family did her proud and I hope she smiled. I think we first cousins
were very lucky when we were young to have spent a lot of time with each other,
as it gave us a solid base of comradery. It high-lighted for me, that I was
neglectful not to have spent more time with my nieces and nephews for my
children’s sake. It wasn't that my children didn't spend time with their first
cousins; they did, but not as much time, as we did with our first cousins.

Kathleen’s death also taught me how important family is. Not just your
immediate family, but our extended families. My cousins are amazing Human
Beings, not because they may have great jobs, no, they are amazing in who they
are, as Human Beings. I am very proud to be a part of this clan. (I feel
exactly the same about my Mum’s family).

We were able to take the piss out of ourselves while we were
together. And no one was offended! The Deeney’s have a negative trait of always
needing to be right! When this was brought up, you could see all the spouses
nodding their heads furiously! I'm smiling as I type. And you know the fact
that we could slag one another about these traits, I think, will mean, going
forward, that part of us is now out in the open and we’ll all be more aware of
our own foibles.

For me, while Kathleen’s life and death was sad, at times. I
believe her death; brought the Deeney clan together, more than any other Deeney
funeral I've been to. It really did instil in me just how important our families
are in our lives. Though we go through life not even thinking about it, because
life, became so busy. Honour and love your families’ folks. They ARE VERY
IMPORTANT.

PS…….. I've sat with this for almost a week, I now think I
know why. Years ago I did a thesis on the dying process and the biggest thing I
learned from this was…… We die as we have lived. Meaning, I’ll talk and
probably write about my own dying, when the time comes. That’s if I get a
little time before I die. Kathleen died as she lived.

In honour of Kathleen this poem is for you.

Last Friday week, the 8th of April I was driving
over to Kilcrohane to see a friend of mine and the sun was shining on the
sea……….This is what came to me and it is apt for Kathleen.

The sun shone like diamonds upon the sea…

Reflecting God’s unconditional love in brilliant light,

And then the sea reflected that love back to God from his
children here on Earth.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

I haven't written a blog in over two and a half years, for one reason. Which I won't go into here.

However, I am now going to honour my companion Cleopatra Deeney O'Connell O'Mahony.
Cleo went to sleep two days ago and it is heartbreaking. I cry as I type.

I bought Cleo in December 2004 in Blarney, Co. Cork and I had a choice of two pups. Her sibling was quite cute, but somehow Cleo looked like the runt of the litter, so I choose her. Her professional name was Lady of Schull, but we never brought her to shows, so that name was defunct. Cleo was a Christmas present for my youngest daughter. Megan named her Cleopatra and she was a queen. I mean this in the best sense, although, she could be very demanding insisting you rub her belly, even when I was driving.

The above photo was taken in 2009, at a small beach on the way to Goleen. The name of the beach escapes me now. What is incredible about this photo is that Cleo hated water, she never liked being showered. But that day she swam and it was the only time I ever saw her swim. However, her favourite place to walk was on Barleycove beach and we did that as often as was possible.

The reason for Cleo's long surname is this, my surname is Deeney, Megan is Deeney O'Connell and my partner at the time of getting Cleo was O'Mahony. Hence all her surnames. I used to work away from home every second week and my partner at the time would bring her to his parents home to be looked after for the day, until he finished work and would go and collect her and bring her home. He called it Cleo's crèche. My partners parents loved Cleo and my daughters, as though they were their only grandchildren and they loved me, more than my first parents-in-law. I shall never forget them as long as I live. Their love for me and mine shines so brightly to this day, even though both of them have gone to heaven. I so hope Jerry and Ann are still Cleo's guardians in heaven. I so hope that whenever my time comes to pass into Eternity that I am lucky enough to be with them, Cleo, Scienne and all those Human Beings I loved in this world and with those who loved me. (Scienne was an other Westie I had for 8 months, fado fado whom I also loved deeply.

Dogs are so loving and are so unconditional in their love for us Humans, You know, Dogs teach us Gods UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. It is why I grieve so much for them when they pass/die. God I so hope their is a doggie heaven, where I am reunited with all the dogs I've had in my life.

While Cleo was Megan's dog, I was her master. I don't know why, other than I cared for and fed her and brought her to the vet and she travelled all the roads of Ireland with me, Cleo was my shadow,
Fuck it, there is such a huge void in my heart and in my home since Tuesday, it's like losing one of my children. And I never want to lose any of my living children, I'd rather go before them. Such is a Mother's unconditional love for her children. I am so grateful for the children I've had, I include Ben here, he died in-vitro fado fado.

Yet, as a women, a mother, life and death, are intrinsic. When a Mum gives birth, she knows intrinsically how close death is to life. I cannot explain it, it just is. Your children grow up and leave home, as nature intended, it is how it needs to be. Your dog though, only leaves you in death.

Cleo I love you, I always will. I genuinely hope we will meet again in Heaven. I hope I get the privilege to get and to stay in heaven with you and with my deceased loved ones, Especially with the dogs I've lost in my life. Cle, you were the longest dog I had in my life, I am not passed you. Neither are Taylor or Lily, both of your buddies are lost without you, as I am. We are floundering in a chasm of loss for you.

Cle, Thank you for your companionship since 2007 when I broke up with O'Mahony, for travelling the road between here and work every second week. For being my shadow, who accompanied me since 2007 to the 9th February 2016. My heart aches and my soul echoes your loss in my world.

I know Taylor and Lily love me, and I love them.

You Cleo were such a huge presence in my life and I didn't realise how big, until you passed. There is a huge void in my heart and in our home since you departed.......... How will I get past it?!?

Cle thank you so much for your love, your loyalty to me and for the joy you brought to my life. Thank you.

In early January, I needed to cry, for a lot of shite that had been in my life for two and a half years, trust me this shite was worse than my marriage break-up and subsequent divorce. I do not cry easily. I never have, not since my childhood. On a particular Sunday morning I turned off my phone and lit the fire. I watched copious movies, some sad, some happy, some romantic comedies and some Christmas movies and at 4 PM the following day, I started to sob, when I did, Cleo howled and then sat on my right knee. Taylor then sat on my left knee. I continued to sob and Cleo howled. It was as though she knew my pain needed to be witnessed. She did what no other Human Being ever did for me, she was present to my pain and witnessed it.

It was THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT I've EVER been given. Cleo did this for me. It was uncanny. Surreal and most beautiful. I shall never forget her last profound gift to me.

I am truly grateful I was here while she was ill and did a four night vigil for her, prior to her death.

My heartfelt gratitude to Tim, her vet, his kindness and love to her was immense. To Tina, who organised her grave to be dug and who stayed with me until her burial. To Jack for digging her grave. To my daughters and Nic whose grief and compassion mean the world to me. To Mary who never got cross for the years and years of opening and closing the French doors to allow Cle in and out of the kitchen. Mary never ever got annoyed about doing her chores for Cle. My heartfelt gratitude for the love, kindness and compassion you showed to Cleo in her life and death. And to my friends who took care of her in her life, when I couldn't bring her with me. My heartfelt gratitude.

Friday, September 27, 2013

After ten years Ombudsman Emily O’Reilly
leaves Office for the EU Ombudsman’s Office.

So I wrote to her via email, as I am
sad to see her go. To my mind she was an inspiring lady Ombudsman, who took her
work in this office seriously and she was always just and fair. She is a lady I
have always admired and I sent a lot of people her way in my career as a public
and civil servant.

Here’s my email to
Emily.................

From:
To:
, Date:
25/09/2013 20:41Subject:
Emily you will be a
huge loss to Ireland

Dear
Emily,

Since
May 18th 1992 to August 30th 2013, I worked as a Community Welfare Officer and
in my time in the service, I have always advised my fellow Irish Human Beings to
appeal the decisions they were unhappy with, then to go to the Chief Appeals
Officer and then to your office. Primarily to you since you started in the job
of Ombudsman.
I have always regarded you as fair and just. Virtues rarely seen in some of our
Public and Civil servants, much to my sadness. Yes, of course they exist. But
none as passionate and as just as you, in my experience. I feel your going to
the EU as a huge loss to our small country. I mean this so sincerely.

I
do wish you well in your career move and I hope it meets your hearts desire.

Maybe
you see a bigger picture to the one I see right now?!?

While
I wish you all you wish for yourself, I cannot hide the loss I feel at you
leaving the position of Irish Ombudsman.

Please
advocate for us in the EU with the Troika et al. We need strong Human Beings
like you. I am aware there is wisdom in all happenings.

Still
my sadness lingers at your loss to Ireland.

Is
mise le meas,

Trich

This is Emily’s reply to me and I am
chuffed she took the time to respond.

Dear Trich,

How
kind and thoughtful of you to take the time to contact me and sen me your good
wishes.

I
can tell that you must have been a very humane Community Welfare Officer and
clearly never lost empathy despite spending many years in the job. Those people
you helped we're very fortunate.

I
was very touched by your comments and I will treasure them as I head off to my
new role.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I wrote this as an email to a friend. I did edit out bit's that would either identify them or where in the world I was speaking of............. to be fair to them and to me. The main reason I am posting this, is because, I think the wisdom's I am writing about are universal. In the next while, I will add the links to this blog, that I refer to here. Right now, I am to tired to do so..... As I am tired from the stress of not having a regular sleeping pattern over the last 9 weeks! I write this as much for me, as I did my friend. Thank you for reading my blog, it now has had over 11,560 odd hits. I am deeply grateful to you for this gift to me. Thank you :)

Ginger in your diet, would be beneficial to your digestive track. Cook it,
in food, rather than eat it raw, it is a tad HOT!

OR

Every morning and around 7 in the evening, boil Un-Fluoridated water, add a
teaspoon of organic or manuka honey, with crushed ginger, thyme and a generous slice of lemon, squeezed into the mix,
plus add the lemon, stir and this aids digestion and alkalises the body too. Plus it helps your kidneys to be more productive.

Plus..................... If you put a teaspoon of bread soda in warm water
everyday for a month and drink it. Then maintain it 3 times weekly, you will lose weight.

Trust me on this!

You agree the body is very wise? Well the natural state in our body is to
be alkaline. However,

because we eat fries and shite processed foods, (Yes all processed foods including ALL Monsanto seeds/Products), our body becomes acidic.
This in turn causes all kinds of illness for us humans, even cancer! Cancer, by the way, is a
fungus. It can be cured simply by an alkaline diet/bread soda and raw natural foods. Do the
research, if you don’t believe me!

This information is being suppressed by big pharmaceutical companies, as
they earn a minimum of 30,000 $ or € per patient with cancer! ++++++++

The fuckers!

If our bodies become too acidic this is what happens.............. The body
naturally adds fat to our bodies, WHY?

Because, if our bodies did not build up fat, our organs would be destroyed
by the acid build up. So because our bodies are so wise, (Always remember the body never lies and the heart
always knows........) they naturally increase the fat content in our bodies to store the acid and to keep it away from
our precious organs, to protect them from the hazardous danger of acid. Now do you see why you’ve put on
weight.....................fries et al.

I have tons of info on this! Plus on Fluoride, Chemtrails, HAARP, GWEN,
Scalar weapons, vaccines, microwave radiation, Evil Monsanto, the Global Financial Crisis, which has been manufactured!! ++++++ Read my
blog sometime. All that info is there! My blog is either deeply personal or political!

You will not see your children grow up to be a man/woman and see his/her children, if you do
not change your eating habits! Use this, as motivation, if that’s your need!

Having said that, currently, I lack motivation!!!! See the advice I am
giving you!! Everything I say, do, feel and think is 100% about me!

Sit with this, until you get it.This is my current challenge! The paradox of being a Human Being!

However, I am struggling through this currently. I am aware, of what I say,
do, feel and think!!

Since, I was 18 I have studied psychology informally and then did 5 years
in college to learn more. I’ve learned more outside college than I did in
college, however, I do not reduce the benefit of my formal education. However, life
teaches us more, if we choose to learn. It’s all about Free Will at the end of
every day!

I always thought it was extremely important to wake up to self and it is
NB. However, it is equally important to wake up to the world we live in. When I was rearing my children, I used to talk to God and say, “I am so glad,
I do not know what you know! In a sense it was a cop-out. However, it was where
I was then. I could NOT have coped then, with what I now know. So when my youngest left home,
I started to get brave....... yeah, in some ways I have always been brave, I
would say, I am a courageous body................ However, after my youngest left home, I said to God, ok,
show me a little more of what you know. He did, once I acclimatised to that
information, which did come my way, I’d ask for more information and so it went on............ it is still on going.
However, there are some dark places, I do not want to go to! As they are to
close to the bone for me!

Maybe, someday, I will go there?!? I truly do not know.

Have the best life you can have, shine your light onto our world, our world
needs your light. Be congruent, you’ll be authentic and folk will naturally hear
and know this intuitively.

You are here in this time, because you have a purpose, you have a unique
light to shine that is a God given gift. Shine!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

My bet is, tomorrow the weather in my world will be crap!
Why? They have been spraying us heavily with chemtrails today! This breaks my
heart! I am not a perfect human being, I smoke, and I drink wine, a part from
that, I am a beautiful human being, who has always found it very difficult to “Fit
into this world”. My huge paradox is, I am poisoning myself with all the
chemicals in cigarettes, this I know. I smoke because when I was young, my life
was extremely difficult and when the pain hit my throat, I felt it as way to
over-whelming. I didn't have the life experience I now have to deal or cope
with that pain. In my young days, in life in Ireland, NO ONE spoke about
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, in fact then, those words were unheard
of! They did not exist, therefore, my pain, did not exist, in Irish life’s
reality, BUT, it did, in my reality! So I spent years and years doing all I
could do, to understand, my pain, to heal my pain. It was like exploring in the
dark, blind, to any light. In truth, it was a living fucking hell! I am rarely
this graphic about my experiences in childhood! However, that is how my life
was way back then! A living fucking hell! I shall never forget the torture of
that pain. And when people say, “Forgive and Forget, to my mind, the “FORGET”
part is bollocks, from that starting point! Now, it mostly does not intrude in my life. Thank God.

How can I forget what formed me? I cannot forget, nor would
I want to forget. It isn't that this is on my mind daily, it isn't in truth. As
time passed and I started to heal me, I would forget for a while and then as
more time passed, I would heal more and then I would forget for longer periods
each time! That’s when I knew, for sure, that what I was doing was healing me.
It was one of the toughest journeys I've ever undertaken in my life. Doing your
own inner work IS THE TOUGHEST MOST PAINFUL WORK ANY HUMAN BEING CAN DO! Paradoxically,
THE MOST REWARDING!

Forgiving, takes work. The way I learned to forgive goes
like this…………….. If I do not forgive, it is shite I have to carry! No one else
on this planet is aware, I feel as I do. Just me, I suffer this un-forgiveness!
No one else! Just me! The person, I am un-forgiving towards is absolutely unaware
that I have all this anger/angst/un-forgiveness towards them! Right? So the
only body here that is suffering is me! Right? WHY? Why am I doing this to me?
It beats Banagher………… (An Irish expression!). Trust me on this! When I was 15, I was walking over to Ballyphehane Church to go to Mass, early one
morning. I cannot remember if it was during lent or on a Sunday morning, that
is entirely irrelevant, in truth! But at the time, I hated one man, with a
fucking passion. He was the person who had first abused me. Near to the Church,
this voice came into my head, that said, and I quote……… “If you hate him, you
will destroy your life”! To this day, I do not believe this was my voice. I was
so young, as we all were in the mid 1970’s! The impact this voice had on me was
immense. I knew with every fibre of my being that what the voice said to me,
was absolute truth. (You see, my life to that moment had been filled with so
many lies. And in my being, I knew this, yet this voice, spoke truth to me, how
then, could I not listen to truth?). This was truth and I knew it. Remember, you
knew as a child/young teen when you were spoon fed lies! Actually, even in adulthood,
we know it! Again, our choice is to acknowledge this or not! (Life is all about
choice or Free Will….) From that moment on, I prayed fervently to forgive this
man. In time, I did. I begged God to help me with this, he did and I will always
be deeply grateful to God for this gift. For forgiveness is a gift to self, to
no one else! Do NOT forget this! Later on, I realised, it was a harder task
to forgive me. However, I used the same formula, I had to get to a place where
I truly wanted and needed to forgive me and then, I prayed to
God for the grace to forgive myself. Forgiveness is a huge
gift to self. DO NOT FORGET THIS PLEASE! It is a life truism!

While I have healed almost all of these scares, the scares
remain. Think of a physical scare, whether it be, sexual, physical, emotional,
creative, behavioural, spiritual, intellectual and psychologically! Oh don’t
forget your attractiveness is a given! (These areas of self are called the nine
expressions of self). Each scare you receive in any of these areas’ stay a
scar. An open scar, if you choose not to heal any one of them! It is a natural law.
Just look at any of your body scars! A scare remains on your body, psyche and soul,
if we do not heal them for ourselves, they remain open, however, we can heal
the scare. However, a scare remains, only as a pointer to where we have come
from, In my experience of life and I
think, I have had a lot of life experiences in life, thus far, some more
horrendous than others! Having said that, my life has been great in many other
ways. For this, I am deeply grateful, to God, to life, to those who have
assisted me in my journey and who have helped me to heal me and to my own courage
to undertake this journey. You know, I once read someone, a prominent psychologist,
whose name escapes me right now, say to a client, “Don’t come back, until your
pain is really bad”. When I read this I was horrified. But you know what, it is
a truism. No human being will ever do their own inner work, until their pain
becomes so bad, that their only option is to look at it and deal with and heal their
own pain! That my friends, is a life reality! IMHE.

Today a young man challenged me about why I get so upset
about Chemtrails when I poison myself with all the chemicals in cigarettes. I
took this on the chin, because he is absolutely right! This is challenging me
recently, (long before he said this to me!), I see my own paradox! My reality
is of my past fear returning to my throat! I'm not sure, I can deal with that
all over again, silly you may say, and in some ways I agree with you, thus far though,
I have not got past this irrational fear! And I know it to be irrational! Even
more paradoxical, don’t you think? My bottom line here is, I know, I have more
work to do in loving who I am. This is my imperfection. Yet, my uniqueness too.
We are all the equal and opposite of what make us, individually us! This I
truly believe. I am very aware, this is my issue, I need to deal with this, before
my body’s wisdom, does it for me! That means, before I become ill. My body is
already hinting this! As of now, I am mostly ignoring my body and in the depths
of my being, it will be my Achilles heel, if I choose to do nothing about the
fact that I have smoked cigarettes since I was 14 years old!

I don’t want or need to get ill! Seriously. I am mostly a
very healthy Human Being/Person. Sometimes, I allow myself to get stressed out,
to the point where I do not sleep! As has happened to me just now! What I am grateful
for is that I now recognise my stress sooner now, than I used to! This is a
gift to me and one I cherish hugely.

I think now, it doesn't matter what happens to me in life,
what is most important is how I interpretate the happenings of the
event/situations! I have learned, it doesn't matter what happens to me in life,
what really matters is how I respond to the situation! No other person can hurt
your soul, only you can do that! It is the inner most, deepest part of being a
human being. So why do we hurt ourselves? Ain’t that the million dollar
question for all Human Kind? The answer to this question is multi-dimensional,
depending on how each of us interprets what has happened to us in
this life, for good or bad! Suppose you look at life, in a clear class and see
that nothing that you've experienced is bad! Wouldn't that be a blessing? Yes
it would be a blessing! Well you can do this! All you need to do is change the
old record in your head, and say, this is an opportunity for me to explore a
different essence / part of me, rather than the old record, that says, Have I
something invisible on my face that says, hit me! I know, I used to use the
latter record! I changed this record, I've come to know, slowly, that all experiences
are OPPORTUNITIES for me to grow as a unique individual. So why not, look at
life this way?

For
that's all it is, keep changing your own and world views. Yes, it was your story,
but you can change your story any time you want and need to do so. Yes, the
CHOICE is always yours! This takes self-responsibility. Not an easy task, I
know, sure I am failing it, at the moment re giving up the cigarettes. And yet
I become cross and broken hearted that others are poisoning us from the skies…….
There is no congruence in this, in truth!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

It was a whirlwind
experience, to say the least. I am exhausted after it. I hadn’t realised that
meeting 10 men in that period of time would be as exhausting as it was. Trust
me, it is! The first man I met, had contacted me through my blog, “The Wedding
Date” and I admired his bravery.

We met in
Carlow, this is not where he is from and we spent six hours together chatting,
he was such a lovely guy………. However, there was no chemistry for me.

During this
blog, I will reveal three things about me that probably do not flatter me.
However, it is my truth. This guy was smaller than me too and I knew as he
walked towards me in the Hotel, that I wasn’t attracted to him. Still, I’d like
to think we’ll remain good friends.

Mr 2 I met
for lunch, I was eating when he arrived and all he had was a pot of tea. As an
aside, I have met 3 men in this particular restaurant and I sit upstairs there
and I have no doubt the waitress is wondering about the 3 different men, I was
with for lunch! J He seemed nice enough, but there was zero attraction from me
to him. I’ll give him credit though, he came shopping with me for a scare, as
that night I was going to an ‘80’s charity night fancy dress and as I was
dressing as “Sandra Dee” I needed something for my hair. I was dressing in
leather trousers and jacket, when “Sandra Dee” had reached her bold confident
stage LOL. I was choosing a light coloured scarf and he suggested a red / orange
scarf. He was right on the colour and then informed me that he had been in the
rag trade for years! As I am NOT a natural shopper, I took his word for it and
he was right, the colours suited me. He too asked if we could meet again and
some wisdom in me, said, I’d sit with it. Dear Lord, was I grateful for listening
to my own inner voice! I texted him when I got home and stated there was no
spark for me, he texted back that he was “Gutted, as I had opened him mentally,
physically and sexually and that he was gutted”……. When I read that, I said to
myself, whoo Trich, lucky escape there girl!! Next morning I received a text
that said he hadn’t slept the night before and could we be friends. I agreed…………..Wrong
move on my part! The next Sunday, I receive a text to say that he met some
woman on the Friday night and she was going to his house to “Get Laid” …….As if
I needed to hear that! I requested he not contact me again……….. so after a
night and next morning of abusive texts to me, he thankfully went on his way. I’ve
learned NOT to respond to any messages from folk like him!!

I joined “Plenty
Of Fish” dating site, the night before I met Mr 1. That was on the 24th
March last. Then on Fools Day, I met Mr 3, Flippin Nora the chemistry was
great. But there was “something” and it took me the rest of the week to figure
it out. All texting, even after we met, with only one phone call prior to
meeting. He wasn’t congruent. That’s what I felt. I really am not interested in
folk who are not congruent. So it was bye bye to Mr 3.

Mr 4 was a
dote of a man, very bright, funny and artistic. So what was wrong? He was
smaller than me and folks, this is one thing I do not need to explain, it is
just the way I am. I am only 5’ 3 ½” I am not tall. I need a man to be taller
than me. What I really liked about him, was his intelligence, I am a bit of a
Sapiophile. Plus his humour was great too. It didn’t matter how I felt, he was
smaller than me ……………….. It is an issue I own and I do not feel the need to
look at why, I am this way! He asked me straight up, would I meet him again and
I declined.

Years ago my
eldest daughter went out with a guy much smaller than her and I even found that
difficult!!

Mr 5, oh
Sweet God, his bum wasn’t even on the seat, when he started being negative. I
experienced his energy like his two fists were up to me ready to fight! This
lasted for all but the last 20 minutes of the date. I knew he was nervous, but
he also took two phone calls from his mates and that to me is a no no. That is
not the decorum of a first date! In the last 15 to 20 minutes of the date, he
relaxed and his whole face changed. He asked me out to dinner and I declined
thanking him. I really could not deal with his sky high defences! I’ve done my
inner work and I still do it, so I absolutely honour this in me!

Mr 6…………. I
can’t remember his name……… oops! We had lunch, he was nice, kind of aggressive
and slightly grumpy, however, ok and a good Dad. He bought me lunch, which was
gentlemanly and I admire that in any man. There was a bit of one man up-ness about
him. But the bottom line was………. Yeah, no chemistry, at all! Slan……………………................

Mr 7 was on
time, I stood to take my jacket off and looked down at the cash desk and as I
did, there he was and he smiled up at me. Lovely guy I thought. He joined me
and gave me a present of a “Scrabble Dictionary”. We had played scrabble nights
before and he beat the socks off me. I was impressed, as I don’t normally loose
at scrabble! That may sound egotistic of me and maybe it is…….. it has been
years since I’ve played and on the night we did play scrabble, I had had a few
glasses of wine and my brain was slow! I am not making excuses for myself here,
this guy was / is brilliant at scrabble. While we spoke, I realised he thought
differently and I really liked that about him. He was genuinely a lovely man. I
went back to his house and we chatted for 4 hours! I had only intended to stay
for two hours! He is a very open man about who he is and where he came from. I
still like him. In fact I called to his house yesterday. He is courteous and
kind and thinks differently and sure I LOVE people who think differently and
who are different…… Hell I am so different in aspects of who I am, why wouldn’t
I love another unique individual. He asked me if we could do this again and I
said, I’d like that………… I’d love this guy as a friend, yeah, no fecking chemistry!
I was getting rather pissed off this scenario with myself, at this stage!

You see, I
can look at men and say they are attractive, however, I do not find them
attractive to me! It is the bane of my life in many ways. However, I trust my
own responses too. You see, I’ve made lots of mis – takes in my life, by not listening
to my instinct! I now listen to my body, as I believe, the body never lies and
the heart always knows! I got that, after the last relationship I had!!!!!!
Sometimes, I am a slow learner!

My need here
is to state and declare, that in all the men I have met, I kissed two, one tried
to kiss me, but I wasn’t going there. I have not had nookie with ANY OF THEM! It
wasn’t that I don’t want to make love with a guy, I’d love nothing more than to
make love, however, if I don’t feel it, I don’t go there, in a nut shell! The
way I see it, I can pleasure myself better, than most men can! That may sound crude;
believe me, I so dislike crude. Facts are facts, in my world! This is my
reality! Please don’t say, you haven’t met me yet! I know me! You do NOT!

The next
night, this guy, yeah Mr 8, started emailing me on POF and texting me on my
phone, so it was a catch up, between POF and texting! He was in a rush……… I
agreed to meet him the next evening in a pub, I often frequent for something to
eat. He was late! Tardy, I thought! He was ok-ish and I decided to kiss him. I
like to do that, the odd time, plus I felt I needed the practice………. No not
very honourable of me, I know! After we both had had two drink and I had had
something to eat, I decided to go to the smoking area for a cig, he said he was
going to the bathroom and that he’d pay for what we’d had………………………..

Now…………….here
was my dilemma ……. I could not leave the bar, without paying. So I paid for the
drinks and what I had eaten…………..I have never minded doing this…………. However,
more of that later………….

I had my cig
and we left the bar. He walked me to my car and even sat in it for about 10
minutes. In that time, he did not thank me for paying for his drinks! I did and
do have an issue with this! After I said good night, I received a text from him,
that stated …….. “I was going to ask you back to my place……..” I replied, “I
wouldn’t have gone”. His response was……”I am brave, but not stupid” ………….. I
already had the measure of him. When I texted him later on to say there was NO
spark, he came back with “I couldn’t be bothered with getting my brain fired
and continued with some other shite……….. I wasn’t arsed replying! So Mr 8 was
gone.

Mr 9 met me
last Wednesday night, in hurricane weather at Cork airport, after I had
finished work. I had said the Airport Hotel, which to me was the Raddison, but
he was nowhere to be seem when I arrived a few minutes late, due to that awful
weather and traffic! He had gone to the other Hotel in the airport complex! We
met in the foyer and again I instantly knew there was no attraction for me.
However, this man, while 12 years older than me, was a Gent. We spend three
hours together in relaxed conversation. I was impressed that he was born on the
same day as me, albeit 11 years earlier. He is a genius with computers amongst
other talents. The tail end of some hurricane was blaring outside, I was so
sorry I had parked so far away from the hotel!! Again, he was smaller than me…..
Sin é as far as I am concerned, plus, yeah that all elusive chemistry was not
there. Truly, a lovely human being…………… Again an individual, I’d loved to be
friends with………….?!? When I texted him to say, no spark…………….. his reply the
following day, which I had initially mis-understood, asked, if I had been
scared about how comfortable our date had been……… I didn't need to ponder this,
as one of my gifts, is that, I make people comfortable or uncomfortable with
me! I am so comfortable in my own skin and in who I am too. I realise this is
not the “Irish” way, however, it is my reality. I said so. I needed to be fair
with this man here, he is a gorgeous human being, but I just didn't fancy him,
sin é!

Mr 10 the
next night cancelled, I was grateful and if you don’t mind, my need is not to say
why! Plus, I was really getting exhausted!

So Mr 11,
became Mr 10. I liked the numerology …………. 10 equals 1………. This beautiful human
being and I spoke for days on the phone, he doesn’t do typing well! I dislike
texting, but would type and speak for Ireland!! ;)) This was THE man, I was
most interested in. I loved his profile when I read it. I liked his picture, he
is also in a similar profession to me and I have always wanted to date someone
in this particular profession. Anyway, he got peed off with my slow cautious approach,
so we did the phone calls………..Which lasted for at least 4 hours at a time! Yes,
believe it or believe it not, when I am really interested in someone, I do slow
and cautious…………. Fact about me! Or I do nothing about it, or I go for it………. Depending
on how I feel at that given time!

His voice
was sexy and I loved it………….. I have a thing about voices…………. Being on radio
for 6 years gave me an edge on voices………….. I really do find a good voice an aphrodisiac.
I probably shouldn’t say that, but my motto is, people do or they don’t, there
is no “should” about it!

He was
really into me and I was being cautious because I know me. I either am
attracted to you or I am not! I know the second I see you, if I am attracted or
not! In a way, it is a curse, on the other hand, it stands me in good stead
too! Who am I to criticise me?!? I am who I am and I both like and love who I
am. That is a gift to me.

Last
weekend, I spent it with my daughter, in Galway. We had a ball. I love who she
is and I love her company. She loves when I am driving, as it allows her to
talk with me, without any distractions. After we had checked in, I had to move
my car from the “Set Down” parking spot, which I did. I brought my phone with
me and phoned Mr 10. We ended up having a row………….. I don’t like conflict,
however, I tend to be either good or disastrously bad at it! There is rarely a
middle ground with it, with me! Anyway, I heard him the first time, I
apologised and ended up apologising 3 times and still he went on, so just
before I was beginning to lose it, I re-iterated and mirrored back to him, what
he had said, what I had heard and my 3 apologies. This time, he heard me!
However, I was a tad upset. I got over it and the next day, my daughter and I
walked Galway all day………… During this walk about, Mr 10 requested photo’s of
me, I obliged. What strikes me now, is that it did NOT dawn on me to request
the same of him! That wasn’t very bright of me! You see the row had been about
the fact that I had said, seemingly a number of times, I won’t know until I
meet you, if I am attracted to you….. This is what upset him. When he said, I
may not find you attractive, I felt it as a tiny sting and got what he was
saying, therefore, I apologised. After 3 apologies and not been heard, I was beginning
to lose my patience. Anyway……… I got over it.

We met
yesterday at the “MidWay” in Portlaoise. He was late, as he had gotten lost and
his car battery had died! This didn’t bother me, shite happens to us all……………

When he did
arrive he phoned me from the car park, saying, where are you, can you come out
to meet me…….. which I felt was a tad demanding, I don’t do demanding of me well!
Anyway, I did go out to the car park to meet him and in the distance, I saw him
and knew instantly, I didn’t fancy him. I stayed with him for an hour or so,
but while I sat there, in front of him, I just could not see me being intimate
with him. So I excused myself and went to the ladies. I came back and said I
was going home and stood up and said I won’t do the long goodbye. (Even though,
in my past, I have!) (But eventually I learn!) So we hugged and I left.

My heart was
so disappointed, truly, I still loved his voice and I had had hopes for us, as
a couple. All were dashed………. And as I say, Reality beats Fantasy hands down
all the time, I needed to repeat this to myself a number of times on the 4 hour
journey home! The row we had had on the Friday night, I had allowed myself to fall
into a fantasy notion, rather than waiting for the reality of meeting him. T’was
a hard lesson learned. When I know this so well!!

Last
Saturday, I had deleted my POF account. I won’t be going back for a while. I
actually don’t know if I will re-join or not! It may end up being a movable
feast, a bit like my hair! LOL!

What I've written has been my experience of dating, after a 20 month absence. It seems to
me that the only way to meet men is by internet dating. Twitter and Facebook
are NOT the place to meet anyone. Sure, I've met a lot of people at Tweetups
(Twitter Meet Ups), but none thus far that I’d fancy. Yeah, I know I am fussy,
but you know what, I am worth it. I am not being big headed about this, it is
my truth and my truth is all I can speak about.

So, if I am
to meet anyone, it is now, in God’s hands……………………………………………….. Oh the other two
things I cannot do…………. Are men younger than me, not under 45 and I’d have a
big challenge with that even! The other, and I so know this is not politically
correct, but I've had an experience where I put my back out and I am not prepared
to go out with men in wheel chairs. I've worked hard all my life, my life had
been difficult, I wouldn't change a thing about it, however, I do want my later
years on this planet to be a tad easier, for me. Plus, and I never admit this,
but at heart, I am a romantic. I want it all, love, romance, to balance each
other, to be great communicators, lovers, friends, companions etc. I am worth
it ;)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

This I believe is vital information to the public about Monsanto's genetically modified ingredients, foods, soft drinks & chocolate! It is no wonder that there is such high obesity on our magnificently beautiful planet, given the products listed below!

Stop buying these products and clear your presses, fridges and freezers of them! They are slowly poisoning you and your loved ones!

Grrrrr..................... GMO's are one of the subjects that I allow, to make me cross!

A genetically modified organism (GMO) is an organism whose genetic material has been altered using genetic engineering techniques. Organisms that have been genetically modified include micro-organisms such as bacteria and yeast, insects, plants, fish, and mammals. GMOs are the source of genetically modified foods, and are also widely used in scientific research and to produce goods other than food. The term GMO is very close to the technical legal term, 'living modified organism' defined in the Cartagena Protocol on Biosafety, which regulates international trade in living GMOs (specifically, "any living organism that possesses a novel combination of genetic material obtained through the use of modern biotechnology").

Comprehensive List Of GMO Products

GM labeling on all food products is mandatory in Europe, but here in
America consumer’s are left in the dark as to exactly what they are
eating.
Here is the list of Genetically Modified Foods – get ready to clean
out your pantry!Prepare to blow chunks, this list is shocking. A few
general observations: The availability of Non GM food vs. GM food is
about 50/50. Most “brand name,” products and corporate giants
genetically modify their foods. Most foods listed under the
“non-genetically modified,” section are not well known and are not
considered “mainstream.” Download and read it in PDF-Comprehensive List Of GMO Products

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is a website that is helping to bring the Truth out of the Darkness. We
want to share with you knowledgeable data about the global elites
agendas as well as alternative news, economics, politics, health,
history, hope, inspiration, sci/tech and self-awareness of soul power.
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About Me

Our deepest desire is to be loved unconditionally and LOVE is your greatest legacy to our world. I realised recently, that I haven't said anything about who I am. Although, I guess, you get the drift of me from my blog. I have a big kind, compassionate and loving heart. I am as human as you are. I am as vulnerable and as strong as you too!
When I was a little girl, I heard this saying & I learned it by heart and I have tried all my life to live by it.
Be you to other's kind & true & always onto to other's do, as you'd have other's do to you.
Le meas.