Research and
articles published over the past half dozen years suggest that where a child has
been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, there is a strong likelihood that an
immediate member of the family "may be somewhere" on the autistic spectrum. In
addition to some likelihood that other children may have autistic traits without
being "full blown," family dynamics between all primary family members may take
on an "autistic tone."

In an intact
family where an AS parent is involved, having an "autistic family" presents its
own unique challenges to both partners. While it is rare that two persons with
Asperger Syndrome might marry and have children, it is not at all unusual for a
non-spectrum spouse to marry one with AS. The spectrum-sitter (usually the
husband/child's father--a factor determined by the genetic incidence ratio of
approximately 4:1 males to females) invariably requires a degree of partner's
attention that is akin to raising another autistic child.

The fact
that persons with Asperger Syndrome become adults doesn't make them any less
autistic. While it is possible for them to "pass" in the world of
work--although often with great effort--and to provide for their children, the
unique social and behavioral demands of marriage with an autistic child or
children "thrown in" guarantees unusual arrangements and stress between
spouses. Stress often encompasses the extended family. Even if both spouses
weren't on the spectrum at all, having an autistic child invariably has the
effect of "making the family autistic."

Where
to go for Help on the Internet

There are
two long-established Internet listservs that address marital and partner
concerns, but from a different perspective. One listserv, maintained by Karen
Rodman, the founder of Families of Adults Afflicted by Asperger Syndrome (FAAAS)
tells the reader much just with the title of the organization, which has not
changed since its inception. Listserv members of FAAAS, nearly all women, seem
stuck in the early stages of discovering they have an AS spouse. The list is
primarily characterized by venting and/or mutual support for non-spectrum
spouses "getting over" relationships with an AS partner.

Many
partners do wish their relationships to survive and prosper. For them, there is
a second list. maintained by ASPIRES, is now composed of over 250 members, many
of them coming to a list "for the first time anywhere" is called ASPIRES. It is
at http://www.aspires-relationships.com

The orientation is
positive, supportive, and practical. The quality of posts--genuine matters of
substance--is extraordinary and very mature. There is no other list like it.
Membership is limited to partners on and off the autistic spectrum, and family
members interested in understanding more about adult AS. It is not a "parents
list" except as parenting issues with an AS spouse or near relative come up in
the discussion. No professionals of any kind are not allowed to participate
because of the chilling effect of members "being studied." The list is
international, having members from Europe
as well as the US.

Spouses on
and off spectrum are encouraged to contact Linda Newland, list administrator, at
OPU@DiskSpaceOnline.net. It is rare that both partners join the discussion
list, but if they do, their discussion must follow all the rules of civil
discourse expected of the other list members. Before joining, individuals
interested in exploring the discussion list are referred to the lists of rules.
They must agree to them before being added by the list administrator.

The
Portland Partners Group

The Portland
AS Partners Group has met continually since July 2000. It is for couples with
one or both members on the autistic spectrum. There is no formal requirement
for the spectrum partner to be medically or professionally diagnosed as long as
a self-diagnosis can be peer confirmed and the individual accepts the
diagnosis. While there are individuals conducting marital therapy with one
spouse or both spouses on an individual basis, this is the first known support
group anywherefor couples. This is not a therapy group.
Co-facilitated by Lisa Lieberman, LCSW and Roger N. Meyer, the group was
established to enable couples to share their survival techniques, strategies and
challenges with each other as a learning experience. Emphasis is placed on
practical problem solving based on issues each person brings to the meeting.
Most of the issues center on communication between the partners that has broken
down or has never started. The group setting offers an ideal opportunity for
looking at the communication and problem-solving issues between couples at all
stages of their relationship. Notes are taken of each meeting and distributed
to group members prior to the next meeting for correction and as the basis for
continued discussion, if warranted. Notes and membership are not shared outside
the group. Privacy and confidentiality of members is of utmost importance.

At present,
the group has a steady membership of five couples. We have found this to be an
optimum size. When an opening occurs, we expect new partners to be committed to
coming regularly. We have set an attendance floor of THREE couples in order for
the group to meet together. The group meeting must be attended by both
partners, although once the couple is "established," exceptions are made if only
one member can attend.

We recommend
that the AS partner attend the Portland Asperger Syndrome Support group. The
adult group meets the second Sunday of the month. The AS Partners group meets
the third Monday of the month at the same location.