Friday, April 22, 2016

"L" is for Loser

Yesterday Kayla and I were casually watching a couple of episodes of "That 70's Show", and for some reason, the episodes were hitting pretty close to home. If you are a fan of this show at all, you know it's lighthearted, so the fact that it made me think about anything at all is very peculiar.

In the episodes we watched, the main character, Eric Forman is struggling with "adulting", and while initially having more potential than anyone else in his group of friends, he finds that he is now the group "loser". Everyone else has something going on, and yet time seems to be standing still for him. I'm right there with Forman.

Lately, I have been really taking a hard look at my life.
I'm just dissatisfied with where I am. I want more. I always want more. I look around and all of my friends from High School have gone on to college, graduated with their Bachelors and many others have continued on to their Masters programs. I am a College drop out. DROP OUT. I had a completely different life planned for myself than the one I am currently living out. Radically different.
I'm joyous for my friends who have succeeded in education, but I cant help but be slightly upset at myself for not doing it myself. Every time I DO build up the courage to go back, I take a step back and wonder if I can even I afford it, can I manage with my full time job, what would I even study?!? Is it worth it in the scheme of life? How could I make the things that I enjoy a career?
I will admit that I am very proud of leaving the nest at 20 and building a life completely based off of my hard work and determination. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I do know that I am far more prepared for the real world of responsibility than a lot of my peers, as I am actually living it out, but I just...I feel restless.

I want something else, something more. I want to travel, to see the world, to meet people, to learn about other cultures. I want to remove myself from all of my "first world" problems. None of this seems practical or realistic at all. The older I get, the more out of reach my dreams seem to become. I just refuse to accept that this is life, that this is all there is to it. Work, eat, sleep, pay bills. Work, eat, sleep, bills.
At this point I'm only living to survive another week, and not actually LIVING. There has got to be more than just paying bills and dying. I know there is. I can't imagine that this is what God intended. He wanted more for us. This working to live and dying thing is so selfish in nature too. I am ashamed at how very little I have given back to this world. I don't want to worry about myself anymore. I want to help others. I want to help people who are literally trying to survive. I want to help people who are starving for food, both physically and spiritually. I want to invest into others, into my community. The reality is that I spend more time at work than I do anywhere else. Is there anyway to change this? Am I doomed to this hamster wheel for the rest of my life?

This blog post doesn't have a true purpose other than to lay out my current state and perhaps see if anyone else can relate. This post doesn't currently even have a solution.
I believe in transparency and honesty, and in learning and growing from one another. Perhaps my post can help someone who feels alone, or maybe it can break down any false perceptions that people may have of me. I'm not perfect, not even close. I'm flawed. I am, however, a very self-aware work in progress.
I accept myself, and the fact that I have a lot of work to do on me.
Onward and Upwards.