Friday, June 30, 2017

“The best squadron in each wing won a yellow pennant on a pole that was utterly worthless. the best squadron on the base won a red pennant on a longer pole that was worth even less, since the pole was heavier and was that much more of a nuisance to lug around all week until some other squadron won it the following Sunday. To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else.”

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what Mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It’s an arsehole!”

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."

"Great, but why the wooden leg?"

"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."

"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"

"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"

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A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any artichokes? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of artichokes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning."

The lady looks around some more.

A few minutes later she runs back to him asking where the artichokes are.

The stockboy, confused about her mental state, simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of artichokes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning."

The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the artichokes, I need some artichokes right now!"

The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answer a couple of questions and I will get you your artichokes from the back."

The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.

"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe. "

She says “Ok, C A T".

"Very good!" the stockboy says. "Now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "

The lady getting frustrated spells it correctly.

Now the employee finally asks "Now spell Fuck, as in artichokes.”

She replies "There is no Fuck in artichokes?"

To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

Thursday, June 29, 2017

I was discussing with some friends the contents of the post below, which was posted in Bytes in November 2012. I was encouraged by them to post it again, so for those who have not seen it before, and those who have seen it but don't recall it (those like us, getting older), here it is . . .

On 29 October 1880, Ned Kelly engaged in spirited exchanges with the presiding judge at his murder trial, Mr Justice Redmond Barry. That exchange, in the Supreme Court of Victoria, Melbourne, has been the subject of a previous Bytes and can be read at:

Some 142 years later, in the Supreme Court of Queensland, Brisbane, one David Allan Baker engaged Mr Justice Martin Daubney in repartee which was also spirited but left a lot to be desired as far as courtesy was concerned.

I am indebted to Byter Leo for putting me onto it in an email.

After receiving it I looked into the background and circumstances of Mr Baker’s colourful discussion with Judge Daubney and found that the transcript was entirely accurate.

Mr Justice Daubney

After receiving it I looked into the background and circumstances of Mr Baker’s colourful discussion with Judge Daubney and found that the transcript was entirely accurate.

Background to the case:

Baker, 50, had been charged with attempted murder after stabbing his former girlfriend Margaret Revesz, 42, in the heart with a knife on 2 November 2009 at her Bray Park home, 25 kilometres north of Brisbane. On 22 June 2012 he was convicted and sentenced to 15 years imprisonment. The jury was told that Baker, after allegedly stabbing Ms Revesz in the heart twice, told her: "Margie, what have I done? Will you wait for me? I'm going to jail for a long time.''

Upon being convicted and sentenced, a section of transcript was released that had not previously been reported on or published in that it could have been prejudicial to his trial if a juror had read it.

Background to the transcript:

When Baker’s case had come to trial on an earlier occasion, he had been granted an adjournment after he had sacked his legal team, barrister and solicitors.

Baker sacked his new solicitor on June 3, the day before the trial was to start. The solicitor and the barrister briefed by the solicitor thereupon sought leave to withdraw from the proceedings. Daubney J granted leave but directed that the trial should still proceed the next day as listed, as it did with new legal counsel appointed to represent Baker.

Baker wasn’t too happy at Judge Daubney's insistence that the trial proceed and let his displeasure be known to His Honour, who managed to remain calm and dignified.

The transcript:

HIS HONOUR: I have been informed, Mr Baker, that you wish to dispense with the services of your solicitor and as a consequence of that your barrister is also seeking leave to withdraw, which means you will be self-represented for this trial. Do you understand that?

DEFENDANT: Yes.

HIS HONOUR: So you'll be representing yourself for this trial, do you understand?

HIS HONOUR: Oh, all right. Now, Mr Baker, the trial will be proceeding. There is one matter that does need to be attended to. The principal witness for the Crown in this trial is a person who has the status of a ...

HIS HONOUR: The complainant in respect of the count of attempted murder is a person who ...

DEFENDANT: Who are you fucking talking about?

HIS HONOUR: ... is a...

DEFENDANT: Stop talking in riddles.

HIS HONOUR: ... is a protected witness under the Evidence Act and for the purposes of the trial, you will not be ...

DEFENDANT: I don't know what you're fucking talking about.

HIS HONOUR: Well, if you stop shouting at me and listen to what I'm saying you might start understand.

DEFENDANT: What do you want me to fucking do?

HIS HONOUR: What I want you to do is stop swearing at me and listen to me.

DEFENDANT: I'm not going to fucking stop swearing at you.

HIS HONOUR: All right then, it's a matter for you.

DEFENDANT: Stick your fucking trial up your arse.

HIS HONOUR: That won't be happening to me.

DEFENDANT: I couldn't give a shit mate.

HIS HONOUR: Well, that's a matter for you.

DEFENDANT: Well you can start your trial and stick it up your arse cause I'm not having anything to do with it.

HIS HONOUR: Sit down.

DEFENDANT: No you get fucked.

HIS HONOUR: Sit down.

DEFENDANT: Go and get fucked.

HIS HONOUR: Sit down, please.

DEFENDANT: I'm not fucking doing what you say. Up you.

HIS HONOUR: Sit down.

DEFENDANT: You're not going to fucking tell me I'm going to be representing meself at all. I need legal aid. I need representation and not you and or any other fucking arseholes gonna tell me anything different.

HIS HONOUR: Sit down, please.

DEFENDANT: No, get stuffed.

HIS HONOUR: If you don't sit down I'll have you manacled.

DEFENDANT: You can fucking have what you like mate.

HIS HONOUR: Corrective Services could you please restrain the accused..

DEFENDANT: Fuck you.

HIS HONOUR: Mr Bailiff, could you ask security to attend the court please.

DEFENDANT: Do what you fucking like. I've got no representation so that's it I'm not listening. I don't give a damn what you say .

HIS HONOUR: The next people entering the court are the court security staff.

DEFENDANT: Oh, what do you want me to do? What do you want, a Mickey Mouse badge?

HIS HONOUR: No.

DEFENDANT: Stick it on your fat chest? Hey? What do you want? A Mickey Mouse badge. Come on fatso, what have you got to say for that?

DEFENDANT: Oh, the mouse has gone quiet.

HIS HONOUR: Security could I ask you to take up positions immediately behind the accused. If he moves from that chair you are to assist the Corrective Services personnel in restraining him. You are not to move, do you understand me Mr Baker.

DEFENDANT: Get fucked.

HIS HONOUR: Mr Baker, because (Margaret) Revesz ...

DEFENDANT: Listen here lardarse, no fuck you. I don't give a fucking shit what you say.

HIS HONOUR: Because Ms R...

DEFENDANT: I don't give a shit what you fuckin' say.

HIS HONOUR: ... is a protected witness ...

DEFENDANT: I'm telling you now you can get fucked. All right?

HIS HONOUR: ... the law requires ...

DEFENDANT: Are you stupid or what? I don't give a shit what you fuckin' say.

HIS HONOUR: ... that I arrange for you to be given free legal assistance by Legal Aid.

DEFENDANT: I don't give a fuck. I couldn't give a shit what you say. What, are you deaf?

HIS HONOUR: ... for the cross-examination of that protected witness....

DEFENDANT: Hey, lardarse, can't you fuckin' hear me?

HIS HONOUR: ... unless you arrange for legal representation ..

DEFENDANT: What are you deaf?

HIS HONOUR: ... or unless you do not want that protected witness to be cross-examined.

HIS HONOUR:If your opening is going to be that short then you'll want to call the complainant pretty well straight away.

CROWN PROSECUTOR: That's so, yes. I would submit the most prudent course is perhaps to allow the panel to go and then look to empanelling them tomorrow.

HIS HONOUR: Yes, all right then. Now, Mr Baker, you can continue to interrupt me or you can listen to what I'm going to say.

DEFENDANT: I don't give a fuck, I need representation.

HIS HONOUR: No we're beyond that stage.

DEFENDANT: No, hey, listen here you fuckin' stupid old cunt, I've got fuckin' paperwork here, if you weren't so pigheaded and using your big fuckin' fat lard arse, you might have fuckin' read it before you fuckin' jumped the gun, eh, but no, you had your fuckin' cocking mates here going on like a two bob fuckin' watch. I never said anything about fuckin' Don MacKenzie. I had a complaint against Ken fuckin' MacKenzie, right, not my barrister. I had nothing to complain about him, it was the other fuckin' prick and I wrote you a letter to fuckin' explain why.

HIS HONOUR: Was there anything else you wanted to say to me at the moment?

DEFENDANT: Yeah, why don't you fuckin' read it and see why I wanted to - what was it - blimmin' to adjourn for a while. There was a fuckin' reason for it.

HIS HONOUR: No, there's no adjournments, Mr Baker, you've had ...

DEFENDANT: Well, I don't give a stuff. You can't fuckin' sentence me or do anything because I'm doing a plea. The thing was when I got my plea overturned last fuckin' time, did you read it, why - what happened was because the barrister and solicitor stuffed up. I was putting in a complaint about Ken MacKenzie not revealing the parts I needed for my trial but you wouldn't listen.

HIS HONOUR: Thank you for that information. Now what's going to happen is this ...

DEFENDANT: I don't give a shit what happens, anyone comes in here, I'll fuckin disturb and I'll run amok.

HIS HONOUR: Not in my courtroom you won't.

DEFENDANT: Hey, don't fuckin' tell me I fuckin' won't mate.

HIS HONOUR: Not in my courtroom you won't.

DEFENDANT: You think these fuckin' jokers are going to worry me? Or the screws, what are you going to fuckin' do?

HIS HONOUR: Whether they worry you or not is a matter for you.

DEFENDANT:What are you going to fuckin' do to me.

HIS HONOUR: What I'm going to do to you is tell you that your trial is starting tomorrow.

DEFENDANT: Oh no fuckin' way mate.

HIS HONOUR: Oh yes, your trial is starting tomorrow.

DEFENDANT: You want a fuckin' bet? You want a fuckin' bet? I'll tell you what, I'll make a fuckin' bet, I'll make a bet with you and I tell you what, you'll lose your fuckin' fat arse. I'll put myself in medical, you cunt. I'll fuckin' slash up or I'll do something. You don't fuckin' threaten me you fuckin' dog.

HIS HONOUR: You can take the accused down, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock.

DEFENDANT: No I fuckin' won't, I tell you fuckin' now, you fuckin' lard arse.

HIS HONOUR: Thank you for coming up gentleman, I'm grateful. I was actually called much worse things on the rugby paddock you know.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

I was wondering what to post today when Leo’s contribution arrived. Some of his profound thoughts have been posted in Bytes before but I am not culling them, I am posting them as they arrived. Thanks, Leo.

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

The building is called the Portrait Building because, in a world first, it has used the shadows created by white balcony facades to create a portrait indigenous activist Willaim Barak.

The building:

(Move back from your screen to get a better viewing).

William Barak:

A quick bio on William Barak

William Barak (1824 – 1903), was the last traditional ngurungaeta (elder) of the Wurundjeri-willam clan, first inhabitants of present-day Melbourne.

Barak was said to have been present as a boy when John Batman met with the tribal elders to 'purchase' the Melbourne area in 1835. Before he died he described witnessing the signing of the treaty ceremony.

He joined the Native Mounted Police in 1844, he was given the name of William Barak. A skilled tracker, he was often engaged to track missing children and fugitives from the law, even years after he'd ceased being a police tracker. Barak was part of the force used to track Ned Kelly and his gang, who he found hiding in thick scrub. He refused his white superiors orders to approach them first.

In early 1863, Barak with about thirty others, moved to Coranderrk Station, a self-sufficient Aboriginal farming community. In 1875 he became the Ngurungaeta of the clan. A spokesperson for his people, he was highly regarded by both the indigenous people and the European settlers.

Often named 'King of the Yarra', he was a prominent leader, spokesperson, artist and diplomat and cultural ambassador for Aboriginal Australia. A noted and dedicated land rights' activist, he led a march to the then Parliament House in the late 1800’s, a time when indigenous Australians were subject to harsh treatment and oppression by colonial policy.

Barak led the movement to secure land rights at Coranderrk, being quoted in a bio:

We heard little about our land going to be taken from us[…] They ought to leave us alone and not take the land from us it is not much. We are dying away by degree. There is plenty more land around the country without troubling about Coranderrk […]

We got plenty of our own cattle and we want the run for them and if the White People take it away from us there will be no place to put them […] and also when we go into any of the White People’s paddock to hunt or fish they soon clear us out of their private premises very quick and yet they are craving for Coranderrk.

The Coranderrk land was eventually taken by the government and, under pressure from the local RSL was broken into lots to be offered to returned servicemen after WWII, although none of the Aboriginal ex-servicemen of the district acquired any portion of the land.

He died at Coranderrk in 1903 aged 85.

Which brings us back to the building, which has a direct line of site to the Shrine of Remembrance, nearly three kilometres away.

According to Daniel Grollo, chief executive of the project's builder, Grocon: ''The Shrine is about honouring a great set of Australians who made a sacrifice to Australia, and this is also honouring a great set of Australians who made a sacrifice for Australia.''

It has not gone unnoticed, and has been the subject of criticism, that 530 luxury apartments have been used to create a portrait of one of the most famous, indigenous 19th century land rights’ activists. It has also been said that this juxtaposition between affluent white land ownership and the image of William Barak forms a fitting tribute to William Barak and what he strived for, although the tribute is not in the way intended. It has also been suggested that his image staring down the Shrine of Remembrance is an additional homage to the unequal tribute to the fallen

(On a different note, nearly every film and TV item showing images of deceased indigenous persons is preceded by a warning, usually as follows: WARNING: Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander viewers are warned that the following program may contain images and voices of deceased persons. The protocols and Codes of Practice for film makers, journalists etc in this respect can be viewed at: https://apps.indigenous.gov.au/cultural_protocol.htm So how is it okay to create a 32 storey portrait of a deceased aboriginal leader?)

Gallery:

One final note:

Is it just me or does anyone else get reminded of the image on the Shroud of Turin when they see William Barak on the side of the Portrait building? . . .