My negative mother

Full Member

I really shouldn't have told my mother I was doing CD, but as she's coming to visit next week for 5 days with my 14 year old half sister, I had to forwarn her that I won't be eating but I will still cook her them as I'm cooking for DH and the kids.

Her first question was how much is it, and then went on to say I don't spend that much in a week on food, today I've had some ginger biscuits and then I'll have something when L (half sister) has gone to bed. Everything gets turned around to her. She then went on to say, well the Atkins one didn't work did it, and that other one you did (I did Gillian McKeith for a month before cracking).
Everything is so negative from her, I just said well thanks for your encouragement.
Last night she phoned and said how's it going, I said I've lost 10lbs since starting my prep week & 5 days on SS, she didn't say oh that's great, just said oh it won't last! So I said right if i get down to a size 12 (something I've never been since I was 9 probably) you can give me £100! So she said yes, she will (she's on benefits, so it's alot for her) which makes me even more determind to do it. I won't take the money I want to prove a point. She also swung it around to her again, saying oooh I was a size 12 once and put it all back on again, I'm a size 14 or 16 now, but i'm not bothered how much I weigh...arghhhhhh.

Looking back and having conversations with my older sister, (who is also overweight), our problems with food are probably related to her negative attitude about everything and life in general. When we went clothes shopping as children she would always say to the assistants "oh I can never get anything to fit them" and we weren't huge! But having things like that drilled into you becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, something I am now retreating from....I can be slim.
So I'm really not looking forward to her visit next week, she is not an easy person to get along with.....sorry I just needed to vent, I'm trying to rise above it!

Silver Member

:hug99: that really is very hard to deal with - but you CAN rise above it, you have a whole board full of people here to turn to for support just think how great it will feel when you've succeeded. arty0011:

Full Member

I have to say though, her attitude has changed now I'm obviously losing weight, now it's all compliments mixed in with the odd "hmmm don't lose any more though or you'll look gaunt"...I really can't win!

When I told her I wanted to be a size 12, she commented that a "big strapping girl" like me was never meant to be a 12 - we'll see!!!! Just rise above it and focus on your goal.

Gold Member

hiya, know how you feel about mothers god they can be such b**ches at times. I havent told my mother im doing cd as she would go on about how bad it is etc! She may just be jealous that you are doing something about your weight. Its not as if you are asking her for the money to do cd, its your money, your life, your choice. I really feel for you with her coming to stay with you, is there any way out of it? Just stick to your guns and you will be fine.

Busy busy busy!!

I know my weight issues stem back to childhood. Yet up until I was in my early 20's I was a healthy 9stone and about 10/12. My mother has always been super critical of everything I have done, never praised me, and now I realise I use food to "comfort" myself - and it has a vicious circle effect of making me gain weight and then i feel bad about myself - so comfort eat etc .... breaking that "comfort" food issue is something I have to work on.

My mum went on about my size/weight ... I then lost 4stone and she never commented - when i asked her about it ... she replied "yes you look very scrawny"!!!!!! I've since regained 3 stone through "comfort" eating over issues with her and my brother - but WHEN I lose it again will have to put something else in place.

Totally Focused

My mum is definitely a relation to all these mums on here! She is never pleased about anything and can always see the negative. I wasn't going to tell her about CD until the weight loss started to show, but we had a family funeral last week with a buffet afterwards, so I wasn't eating and drinking only water and she noticed, then my OH (I could kill him) let the secret out! 'Well, lets hope she can do it THIS time!' was the retort! It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't been overweight all her life!! She is now in her 80s, looks like in her 60s - but still overweight. Let's prove these mums wrong and be successful!
x

Full Member

I didn't tell my mum when I restarted but I confided in my sister who let it slip to my mum. She understood my reasons and after 6 weeks doing it is very rpoud of me but in the beginning she was very anti CD for money and health reasons and also it bought my temper to the surface last time... which i'm pretty sure was my useless ex more than anything hehe.
She definately notices a change in my and tells me i'm looking great. I was miserbale last time when people ate in front of me/ I cried over spaghetti bolognaise but now i know its about changing your feelings I can now watch people eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in front of me and because of this difference my mum is a lot more supportive than last time.
Plus... I actually spend less on this diet then when I went food shopping.
You go girl and prove them all wrong! xx

Gold Member

Oh man it's just like reading a story of my life. lol!
I'd just like to add my Mum to this list. From being the age of about 5 I remember her telling me not to eat this and that and telling people off for giving me crisps and sweets etc. I was a kid for goodness sake, so anyway although it didn't stop me eating I still ALWAYS thought I was fat!!! I remember wearing size 12 clothes at age 16 and they were haning off me but I thought I was a whale.
As soon as I got to 18 and got a full time job I went mad, working in town so had access to the shops, bakery, chip shop, restaurants, fast food, sweet machines at work and low and behold I had my own money to buy as much junk food as I wanted.
As much as I regret it now I feel I may have done it to rebel to show her she couldn't control me any more. - Looking back that's only hurt me in the long run but at the time I had no idea I was doing it.

She doesn't know i'm on CD now and in the past has offered to pay for surgery if I needed it after losing weight and also offrered to buy me my dream car. I asked yesterday if these offers were still on the table, she said yes. I'd love to pay for them, "If I thought for a second you'd do it!!"

Well we WILL make all of our Mothers proud of us one day, and eventually they'll have nothing negative left to say.

They love us really, we all know that, just sometimes have a detramental way of showing it. lol!

Member

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. My family (mom in particular) gave me a lot of trouble when I first lost a lot of weight. When I went to visit her, she couldn't bring herself to speak to me for about a week! She's had a negative attitude towards life, and the ways other people approach theirs ever since I can remember. I am realising now that I have always been reluctant to lose weight and become slim because I felt like I was abandoning her in her struggle with her weight.

There is a book I'm finding incredibly helpful at the moment - it's called "Toxic Parents" - the title is a little harsh, but the information is really good. Of course, not all of it is relevant to every situation, but it is helping me see why adult children have the relationships with their parents, themselves and others the way that they do. No matter how much we love them, no parent is perfect, and their views of the world often have a serious impact in the way we feel about ourselves..

I hope you didn't find the suggestion presumptuous - it's great that you can vent - we all need to be able to do that, too!

Full Member

How awful for you that your mom is being so unsupportive. I know how you feel though - mine isn't negative but the only comments have been that she was surprised my bust measured 33" (as she reckoned it only looks about 30") and, when I was lamenting having to get rid of so many lovely clothes, she said "well you will have to won't you?" and looked my body up and down. She said it quite unpleasantly. I've never known her like this before.

I'm not the sort that needs lots of compliments and praise but it would have been nice if she'd told me I was looking better or healthier but no, not a word like that at all. She's put a bit of weight on herself and my OH thinks she is just jealous. She is 76 and hates getting older and I think she maybe wishes she was younger and could enjoy today's fashions.

My dad noticed I'd lost weight after 4 stones had fallen off (huh, men) but he is full of praise for me and interested in how I did it and tells me how good I look.

I hope things are alright when your mom comes to see you. Keep up with the diet in spite of anything she says when she is staying with you and don't comfort eat if she really gets under your skin. Be strong and show her you can do it in the face of anything and you'll feel even more fantastic for taking control of your life.

Full Member

Oh man it's just like reading a story of my life. lol!
I'd just like to add my Mum to this list. From being the age of about 5 I remember her telling me not to eat this and that and telling people off for giving me crisps and sweets etc. I was a kid for goodness sake, so anyway although it didn't stop me eating I still ALWAYS thought I was fat!!!
As soon as I got to 18 and got a full time job I went mad, working in town so had access to the shops, bakery, chip shop, restaurants, fast food, sweet machines at work and low and behold I had my own money to buy as much junk food as I wanted.
As much as I regret it now I feel I may have done it to rebel to show her she couldn't control me any more. - Looking back that's only hurt me in the long run but at the time I had no idea I was doing it.

This is the kind of thing I'm worried about with my soon to be born nephew. My youngest sister reckons she won't be giving her child sweets, chocolates of take him to fast food restaurants ever.

Whilst in one way I don't think this is a bad thing I just think the minute he gets a chance he'll rebel and probably stuff himself with anything he is banned from having so he'll probably be obese at his earliest opportunity.

It isn't even as if she's ever been that overweight - just been a bit podgy in her teens and then again in her late 30s.

(Mind you he'll have an awful lot to rebel against as she doesn't want him doing loads of things - like going to theme parks with riff raff. What, I'm riff-raff?) LOL

Member

I am sorry to hear you're having these problems. My family (mom in particular) gave me a lot of trouble when I first lost a lot of weight. When I went to visit her, she couldn't bring herself to speak to me for about a week! She's had a negative attitude towards life, and the ways other people approach theirs ever since I can remember. I am realising now that I have always been reluctant to lose weight and become slim because I felt like I was abandoning her in her struggle with her weight.

There is a book I'm finding incredibly helpful at the moment - it's called "Toxic Parents" - the title is a little harsh, but the information is really good. Of course, not all of it is relevant to every situation, but it is helping me see why adult children have the relationships with their parents, themselves and others the way that they do. No matter how much we love them, no parent is perfect, and their views of the world often have a serious impact in the way we feel about ourselves..

I hope you didn't find the suggestion presumptuous - it's great that you can vent - we all need to be able to do that, too!

I felt like that about my son when he was first born, however as he grow up, I found it increasingly hard. He wanted to be the same as friends, munching on a pack of crisps. Also lots of parties held at fast food restaurants. Now I am a great believer in everything in moderation!

Full Member

I felt like that about my son when he was first born, however as he grow up, I found it increasingly hard. He wanted to be the same as friends, munching on a pack of crisps. Also lots of parties held at fast food restaurants. Now I am a great believer in everything in moderation!

Full Member

Just got in from taking the kids to the park.....gosh all this water and going out doesn't mix well! Anyway.......
Thanks so much for all your support.....it does mean so much, and being able to vent is great. I will rise above it.
I'm just glad I live 80 miles away from her and she doesn't drive (then she moans that she has to catch two trains to come & visit!) I pity my sister who lives around the corner from her ...but she didn't speak to her for 4 years, all because my sister would'nt take her shopping. My sis was pregnant and half sis had chicken pox so she didn't want the risk and rightly so. So she hadn't seen her grand daughter until she was four years old, she would say well I've never seen her so I'm not missing anything....that's how bad she can be, and it was up to my sister to apologise God she is just female version of Victor Meldrew, no actually she's worse. I guess most the the time things go in one ear and out the other, but last night she just got to me....and yes I can imagine the "you're too thin" comments WHEN I lose this weight!

It's good to know that others are also in the same predicament, but sad at the same time that these mothers should be supporting their daughters, but are just so selfish and a lot of them are the cause in the first place. Hugs go out to you all.
I will definately buy the 'toxic parents' book, thanks for that Kimmer....my dad has always been great, and I'm glad that he remarried a lovely lady when my parents split (my mother had an affair hence the 14 year old half sister, I'll be 37 soon and my eldest sis is 40 this year!).

Gold Member

Full Member

Sounds familiar my mum was mortified and kept trying to feed me! I lost 2.5 stone and now she's proud. If I were you I would tell her that its a short time out of your life that your gonna do it and want her whole hearted support, especially with the meals next week! If you ask someone for help they usually take a more positive stance. If she remains negative you have got be careful that the pressure of negativity doesn't sabotage your good work! Good luck!!