Why This Blog is So Necessary to Humanity

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

What is a Drama Llama? You don’t actually have to ask. You
may know more Drama Llamas than you think. In fact…you may be a bit of a Llama
yourself.

Drama Llamas are contagious creatures that stalk the earth
sucking the life out of those around them. Except they don’t do it in the
traditional way like Dracula or those Cullen twerps. Drama Llamas feed off of
the very essence of your being. They are fuelled by chaos and spice their food
with the colour from your cheeks and the fire in your soul. Ever hung up the
phone after a conversation feeling completely drained mentally and emotionally?
Chances are that you have been exposed to a DL.

The Drama Llama is
ever watchful. They have super sensors that detect a sympathetic ear. They don’t
even have to know you. They, like other primitive beings have a heightened
sense of smell that could sniff out the slightest bit of empathetic capacity a
mile away. Once you are within earshot…well…you’re doomed.

Something is always going wrong with the Drama Llama.
Something is always happening to them of which you must know the infinite details. Whether they are facing a pressing
deadline at work or a pressing bunion in their shoe you’re going to know all
about it.

Tickets to Llama-Land are always one way and always at a
great price. Whether it is your time, patience or mental sanity you are about
to lose a whole lot of one of them.

Everyone has problems and there is absolutely nothing wrong
with talking about them. However, with the Drama Llama, everything is a
problem. Their problems have problems. If you try and help them by offering a
solution, there’s a problemwith that
too. If the problems somehow resolve
themselves there is bound to be a problem with how things turned out or another
problem to replace it. In Llama-landthe
answer to the question ‘How are you?’ is never a simple ‘I’m fine, thanks.’ The
answer is always heavy and fully loaded due to the lifetime’s worth of baggage
that they insist on lugging everywhere.

Drama Llamas are not bad people. But…they’re not people
really. They are one half human one half crazed, feral, might eat your shirt
right off your back llama. More often than not you can survive an encounter
with the Drama Llama. However, when the Llama is truly hungry, or hurt, or
tired, or missed a new episode of Jersey Shore and someone ruined their life by
giving spoilers…then the Drama Llama goes Full Llama: The inconsolable beast
that eats you alive from the inside out.

What does the Llama say? It’s nothing so melodic as ‘ring
ding ding ding dinga dingering’. No…the llama says nothing so whimsical and uplifting. The Llama says an endless spew
of expanding negativity and despair that blots out the sun, blows out your
eardrums and traps your soul in a teeny tiny casket made out of the remaining
splinters of your sanity…and then slowly lowers it into a cesspool of volcanic
frustration of which you can never escape.

That’s the problem with the Llama. It doesn’t actually want
your help. It just wants to trap you in chaos so it can feed on your youth. I’m
serious. And then you find yourself at the end of the day feeling about 15
years older and frail while the Llama is happily off Llama-ing to someone else
gaining more sustenance as you whither.

And the worst part is that the rate of DLs has skyrocketed
and most of us don’t even realize that we are facing an epidemic. DL syndrome
is highly contagious and it’s only a matter of time after repeated exposure that
you yourself could start becoming a little Llama.

Well I am hairy enough and I say we take a stand and raise
DL awareness! Enough is enough! I am the Anti-Llama!

I’m taking this new life purpose very seriously so I went
ahead and made some awesome t-shirts for our cause.

However, insanely cool threads will not be enough to shield
their attacks so I have also devised some passive aggressive self defense tactics for the various
types of potential encounters that one can face with a DL. The tactics are
designed to shock the system long enough for a speedy escape. That’s right. I’m
the Llama Whisperer.

In pairs/groups -- The Shun tactic

It doesn't always work as Llamas are unfortunately mobile.

Electronic Encounters -- Default Deny

Anything that falls outside of the approved words list get’s
blocked. Or a least blatantly ignored...

And my favourite...

Solo Encounters -- Flight of the Concord

Be nice to the Llama. I’m not saying to be mean…but
sometimes in life you just have to roll up that magazine to make your point. Or
in this case to run for your life…

So...that's really all I have right now as I am in the early stages of developing the ALPACA Federation. However I hope that these tactics can at least reduce your rate of Llama wounds for the time being. For anyone interested in shirts supply is limited! Limited to none because I haven't actually made them yet...it's been difficult finding a supplier for alpaca wool. Alpaca wool is naturally water repellant and hard to set on fire so I figured it was the next best thing after mithril to be donning for our cause.