Revising the long-term plan

In light of the University Students' Council's revisions to President Fab Dolan's long-term plan, we think it's time to focus on quality of life at Western.

After serious brainstorming, we've pinpointed several problems on campus requiring immediate attention. As such, we've developed our own long-term plan to ensure Western is truly the "best student experience among research-intensive universities."

Firstly, the squirrels and geese must be dealt with. These beasts shouldn't run wild on campus, terrorizing defenseless students. We don't want to eliminate them altogether; we're just suggesting they be put in Western's first petting zoo.

We also feel transportation on campus is problematic. Walking from class to class is simply too taxing; students would benefit from moving sidewalks.

Western's O-Week is another blemish on our fine school's reputation. We should follow in McGill's footsteps with an alcohol-sponsored frosh week and every residence should have its own bar to facilitate the most drinking possible in the safest environment possible. It's like mom said: "If you're going to drink, I'd rather you do it in the house."

Western should also ban Sam Roberts from O-Week events. We're all for supporting Canadian artists, but seriously, everyone's had enough.

It's time for the university to honour its glorious past by bringing back the old Spoke. Only this time, Rick McGhie should be chained up, fed uppers and forced to entertain students with classic songs 24 hours a day.

While we're dealing with on-campus amenities, the hair salon in the University Community Centre should be closed immediately and replaced with a Beer Store. Finally, a business that will actually help people appear more attractive!

Speaking of appearances, Western President and Vice-Chancellor Paul Davenport needs a makeover. He should only be referred to as Western Prezident and Vice-Pimp P-Diddy. He will dress in white fur, a flamoyant hat, have his teeth capped in gold, and roll in an Escalade.

Furthermore, the D.B. Weldon library, nicknamed "Club Weldon," should literally become a nightclub, complete with strobe lights, cages and smoke machines. The Help Desk would be much more helpful if the librarians were serving polar bear shots instead of advising you on call numbers.

As for USC elections, we propose they be done American Gladiator-style - anything to raise student interest. May the most kickass candidate win.

Don't think we've exempted The Gazette from the list of campus institutions needing a facelift. After months of hearing how incompetent we are, we've decided to shake things up.

Our solution? Fire our current staff and start a Western-centered reality program called So You Think You Can Write. Contestants can take a crack at running a student newspaper. Interested? We're accepting applications in Room 263 of the UCC.

Author:Gazette Staff

Ralph Klein: dignified despite disasters

Saturday, Western political science students should take a moment to mourn the official resignation of one of Canada's leading politicians.

Following a 14-year career at the helm of the country's most prosperous province, Ralph Klein will officially be replaced this week as premier of Alberta.

While Klein has recently taken flak in the national media for his remarks on Belinda Stronach and for throwing a Liberal health policy book at a legislative page eight months ago, no one can question his political aptitude.

Keep in mind, he decided to resign last March after receiving 55 per cent support from his party - numbers some politicians would drool over elsewhere.

Besides his interpersonal skills, there are three areas where no politician in Canadian history can compete with Klein: his ability to spin local media in his favour, rebound from potential crises, and generate results for his party.

No example illustrates Klein's media savvy better than in 2001, when, after a few too many drinks, he found his way into a homeless shelter and had a few choice words for its patrons. At a subsequent media conference, Klein admitted to having an alcohol problem, endearing the media with the statement, "...it feels good to get up without a hangover."

Rather than receiving a barrage of criticism, Klein used his confession to generate public sympathy.

In his career, Klein has survived a Calgary-wide nurses' strike, a province-wide teacher's strike and, in 2004, deflected allegations he had plagiarized a paper he wrote at Athabasca University by telling media the allegations were "crap."

While these incidents received sporadic publicity, none of them changed the overall Alberta electorate's voting patterns.

Klein's last election as Alberta premier in 2004 was considered a massive disappointment after the Progressive Conservative party garnered 61 out of a possible 83 seats in the legislature, 13 less than it won in 2001.

While these dates are significant in Klein's career, perhaps no time was more important for him than March 1989, when he switched his party affiliation from Liberal to PC before running as a Member of Legislative Assembly in the provincial election.

With a career as storied as his, Klein has truly epitomized where the "Alberta advantage" lies in provincial politics out west.

Author:Gazette Staff

Fucking props!

Re: "Annoying reader complains"Nov. 17, 2006

To the Editor:Gazette, I just wanted to thank you for titling Varana Mullen's comments "Annoying reader complains." That pretty much sums it up. The Gazette is one of the few media sources actually having the balls to do things that - heaven forbid - might upset a few people. I love you. You too, caption guy - good work. Some people take life too seriously; please don't stop pissing them off. I thoroughly enjoy reading about it.
- Thomas ArmstrongMedical Biophysics III

Author:Gazette Staff

Admin's warning sufficient

Re: "Students deserved earlier warning"Nov. 16, 2006

To the Editor:It seems Gazette editors are the ones who "ignore or delete e-mails in their UWO accounts," since the Office of the Registrar announced in a mass e-mail Oct. 11 its website shuts down in December.

The Gazette wrote, "An earlier message coupled with a second one around now could've reached students more effectively." Looks like you need a new excuse for not noticing the Registrar's plan.
- Margaret FergusonEnglish and History II