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Worries

So in therapy today my therapist and I talked about how much I worry. It’s a subject we also discussed last time. Cindy, my therapist, is really starting to realize how much time I dedicate to worrying. She is also realizing exactly how energy draining that can be.

I just recently went off my anxiety meds. Not because I don’t need them, but because they weren’t working. I don’t think anything can really fix how much I worry and the amount of anxiety all those worries bring me.

A classic example is money. I’m currently stressing over money. I always stress over money. Branching out from that topic I’m stressing about is, in no certain order, the following:

The size of the paycheck I’m receiving Friday. The paycheck will be from the week I was sick and it’ll only have 3 days on it. So it isn’t a matter of will it be big enough, I’ve already accepted that it won’t.

The cable bill is due Friday. I already know my mom is paying it for us because my check won’t cover it. But now I’m worried that I’m taking advantage of my mom. I can be very manipulative, to the point that I obsess that if anyone does anything for me, that I accidentally manipulated them into doing so. I don’t mean to be manipulative, I just am.

Costumes. How can we afford them and when. I’ve already accepted that Luke won’t get one this year. And I’m really ok with that. He’s too little to care and it’ll be so cold that he’ll be bundled up anyways. I wasn’t planning on him collecting candy this year aside from the occasional lollipop I’ll share with him. But we still owe the 6-year-old a superman costume.

Coat. Thomas needs one. He’s been wearing a hoodie for the past month (though the zipper did break on it today). And it’s been ok so far. It’s has been chilly but not downright cold. That however, is fast changing. It’s getting colder and he will need a winter coat soon. And that’s not exactly something we can put off. My dad keeps hinting at buying Thomas his coat this year, but it has yet to actually happen. I’m not saying he won’t I’m just saying I’ll stress over it until it is bought by whoever buys it.

Shirts. I went through all of Luke’s 2t clothing handed down by his brother and he has plenty of warm jammies and pants, but all of 2 shirts that will fit him through the season. There are a couple of 24mon shirts that he can wear for the next month, but not much past that. Fact is he’s a big boy and growing fast. This might be able to wait until Christmas. He’s too little to care if he gets clothes for Christmas and his birthday is about a month later so there will be plenty of new toys in the months to come. But I’m still stressing over getting the kid shirts. Clothes are kind of a necessity.

Pants. I need work pants. The ones I have aren’t fitting me as well as they use to. I’ve gained just enough weight (thanks meds) that while I can zip them, they are a little tight. This one will have to wait until the tax return.

Tax return. Will it be big enough to cover all that we need it to cover? Will there be any left to have fun with? I have my eye on a nice shiny blue point and shoot digi. It’s at the very bottom of the things to buy list, but I want to have a little fun with my hard earned money. Mostly I need clothes. Desperately. I’m working towards building a wardrobe one tax return at a time, but plus size clothing is expensive.

School. I need to pay for a quarter, if not two, of school out of pocket before I get my financial aid back. This is the first priority on the tax return money list.

Job. Will the company I work for survive the economic crisis? We’ve had to fight like hell to stay open and so far things are looking ok, but I’m afraid if this holiday season doesn’t bring in the money, we won’t survive much past it. Needless to say, we can’t afford me being unemployed for even a week, and I have a feeling it would last much longer what with the current job market.

As you can see, money is a big stressor for me. Nothing gets me worked up more.

Quick note to above: I just called my mom and asked her if I manipulated her and she assured me I didn’t. She is also planning to check out K-mart to see if they have a superman costume she can pick up for Thomas.

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