by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
PUBLIC SERVICE: Well, I promised Paul over at ShootAngle that I'd help him out by
putting out a call for new Monday recappers for the site. Of course, I
kept forgetting and putting it off and now it's the LAST chance before
Monday. So! If you're one of those people who SWEAR that you could be
doing a better job writing these things than me, get your ass over to
ShootAngle and prove it! Do a *really* good job, and WrestleLine can pick
YOU up after I'm gone! Paul's address is available over at the ShootAngle
starting page. I think. Honestly, I haven't visited the place lately -
which probably isn't the way to stay on staff. ("Are you saying that not
writing for the for seven months IS?" "Hey, I thought I locked you out of
the apartment for the night.")
"And now, the Season Premiere of WWF SmackDown! on UPN Thursday!"
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Let Us Take a Special Video Look at AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN
Let Us Take a Special Video Look at the Rock/Benoit title match from Monday
Opening Credits - Close Captioned logo
PYRO AWAY! and so are we - off and away on another fantastic voyage that
*is* WWF SmackDown! Coming to you from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA
28.9.2K (taped 26.9) and en espanol donde sea disponible, it's time once
again to kill the opening twenty with some words...
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY hits the ring to start out. "Thank you. Now I know a
lot of you out here tonight are probably too young to remember when I used
to wrestle. I know you might find this hard to believe, but I wasn't
always the most physically gifted guy in the world, but nonetheless, I did
my damnedest to be the best wrestler I could be. In fact, some of you may
remember a little match back in 1998 called the Hell in a Cell, when I was
thrown off the top of that cell structure, and my career nearly ended RIGHT
HERE IN PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA! (thumbs up) Thank you! Now I may not
have proved to be the greatest wrestler in the world, but I am attempting
to be the greatest ex-wrestler in the world by being your WWF Commissioner!
So far, all in all, I'd say it's been pretty smooth sailing, but there is a
storm cloud on our horizon, threatening to make great waves for all of us,
and that storm cloud is called Stone Cold Steve Austin! And that's great
that Steve is back, and it's great that everybody cheers for him but, you
see, Steve Austin's gotta realise, and Steve's not here yet, but I'll
explain this to him face to face when he does gets here, is that I've been
put in a position of - of great power, and I think Steve Austin's got to
learn to accept great that power because if he doesn't, well hell, I just
might as well go on home. Now, I respect Steve Austin's investigation, and
his attempt to get to the bottom of who just ran him over last November,
but there's a way to do that, and it doesn't involve giving a Stone Cold
Stunner to everyone in sight! I mean, let's face it - if Stone Cold Steve
Austin really wants to go around committing random acts of violence, well,
dammit, he can go find employment at the United States Post Office. So,
Steve, please understand that there's your way, and that there's my way,
and you can take this as a warning if you want to, but you will play by my
rules...or else." Now, for no apparent reason other than segues can be
REALLY hard to write, so why bother...out comes CHRIS BENOIT. "First of
all, Mick, let me just clarify something for you. You've done a God-awful
job as WWF Commissioner. Your decisions are completely unfair, your
rulings make no sense, and now you've completely lost control! Face it,
Mick - you're a joke." "Maybe you think my job as Commissioner is just to
come out here, make a few opening statements, get interrupted by guys like
you and then make a main event but I guarantee you, there's a hell of a lot
more to it than that." "You are right about one thing tonight, Mick -
you've come out here and made a few opening statements, you just got
interrupted, and now you're about to make the main event. Monday night, I
had the Rock beat! Why did I have him beat? Because I'm better than he
is, it's that simple. But here in the WWF, it's not about who the better
wrestler is, is it? 'cause if it was, well...["Rock E!"]..you'da been
retired a looooooooong time ago. Fact of the matter is, you DO need some
help here, Mick, so here's your main event for tonight: Chris Benoit versus
the Rock! But - BUT - there's a very special stipulation involved. One
that's almost unheard of here in the WWF since you've been commissioner. I
will fight the Rock - heh heh heh - now here's the real crazy part...I will
fight the Rock in a - are you ready? - one on one WRESTLING match in the
middle of a WRESTLING ring, where the only people in the ring are the
WRESTLERS and the referee! Monday night, it was supposed to be me fighting
the Rock and the Rock alone. Not Shane McMahon, not Stephanie McMahon, not
Triple H, not Kurt Angle. Let's face it, Mick...you know, deep down in
your heart as well as everyone in here, deep down in your heart one on one
there's no WAY the Rock can beat me. So let me give you a little warning.
I want my match. One on one, tonight, agaynst the Rock...*or else.*" KING
KURT ANGLE is ready for *his* interruption at this point. "First of all,
Mick, I just wanna say that you're doing a really super job as WWF
Commissioner - it's true, yes, you are. You're eloquent, fair-minded...and
you're a really great dresser too! With that in mind, since we're talking
about main event matches, I think the only main event match that makes any
sense at all is me and Triple H! Now Triple H might complain that his
'ribs' are too sore, or he doesn't 'feel' very well - well that's just
tough! Because the fact of the matter is, this match needs to take place
tonight - not just for me, but for all my hometown fans. (Cheers - an
"Angle" chant actually breaks out) Because, let's face it - this town has
NOTHING going for it right now - and that is true! The Steelers are a
disgrace (cheer!), the Pirates are an embarrassment (cheer!), and the
Pens...well, actually the Pens aren't too bad (yay!), but nobody cares
about hockey! (Finally some boos) So Mick, I'm the only thing left in
these people's lives. Many of them whom are out on bail just to see me
deserve nothing less, and that is true." "Kurt, that's really nice of you
to come out here, but I don't know if you're realised it, but Chris Benoit
and I were just in the middle of a very pleasant conversation." "Chris
Benoit? Don't get me started on this guy! Not only did he blow another
chance at a title shot last Monday night, but he committed something far
worse than that. He physically attacked Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, and
you do not do that! That is Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! That is the
owner's daughter - it's true. That is Vince McMahon's only daughter. I
mean, it's bad enough that Austin is back (Yay!), but do you want Vince
McMahon back as well? I don't think so. And Mick, not only that, but
Stephanie is my friend, and you do not do that do my friend. So Mick, not
only should Chris Benoit not have another title shot, but he should be
FINED AND SUSPENDED! And that is true." "Now hold on a sec - are you
gonna listen to this clown?" "Clown! You're calling me a clown. A
clown." They draw nearere. "Aren't you supposed to be the best damn
wrestler in the business? Well - where are YOUR gold medals? That's right
- you don't have any. Mick, don't listen to this guy. Give these people
something to live for. Give me my match right here tonight." "Kurt, as
your commissioner, I can kind of sense what you want. You want a piece of
Triple H, don't you. And you want a piece of the Rock. Tonight. Tell you
the truth, I don't see why we can't grant both wishes and make both of you
two very happy." "Mick, like I said before, you are a really great
commissioner, thank you." "Thank you very much, Kurt, because tonight you
will team up with Chris Benoit...to take on the tag team of the Rock...and
Triple H right here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, yeah!" Foley's music
plays and he leaves the ring. Benoit turns to lodge his complaint, and
Angle decides to waffle him from behind. Now they're trading blows in the
ring. Hey, these guys are partners! Out come the REFS to break 'em up.
Crowd chants "Angle!" Hey, guess who's the de facto face?
Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! He asks some people standing around
where X-Pac and Road Dogg are. Pointed in the right direction, he
continues WALKING! He asks Earl Hebner where X-Pac and Road Dogg are.
Taking several steps backwards, Hebner points Austin in the direction of a
training room where they're getting taped up. So now he continues WALKING!
WALKING WALKING WALKING
The Lugz Boot of the Week is from RAW - and of course, it's The Spear.
When we come back, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! He finds Road Dogg
& X-Pac (oh, they're friends again?) and tells them that he knows they
didn't drive the car, but they must have some information since they put
him in the parking lot in the first place. Dogg says "we were just
followin' orders." Austin promises to harvest Dogg's cornrows if he finds
out otherwise.
LITA has new music, 'cause her OLD music was semi-public and being used by
other shows. How about a RAW on TNN graphic? "So before I defend my WWF
Women's Championship tonight, what I would like to do is introduce you to
the NEW tag team champions, Matt and Jeff Hardy, the HARDY BOYZ!" And here
they is. Hmm, looks like a surprise in store...
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: LITA (with the Hardy Boyz) v. JACQUELINE (with
Edge & Christian - and their music) - Lawler speculates that Edge &
Christian got Jackie this match so they could get close to the Hardyz,
since we were told Monday they'd get no more matches with them. Lockup,
Lita with an arm drag, another arm drag, clothesline, 2. Into the corner,
Jackie busts out a clothesline. Tonight T&A and partner against Rikishi
and Too Cool, Steve Blackman puts it on the line against Road Dogg, Steven
Richards against Chyna, and footage of Chyna's Playboy shoot! Scoop...and
a slam by Jacqueline. Big-time dropkick and Lita rolls out to the Hardyz.
Jackie stands on the bottom rope and tries to pull her up by the hair, but
Lita takes her feet out from under her and comes back in. Ummm, some sort
of forearm, I guess. Snapmare, dropick in the back, another 2 for Lita.
Twist of Fate is countered ads Jackie shoves her away, gutshot, DDT! But
only 2. Jackie to the second rope - but the elbowdrop misses. Lita with a
side Russian legsweep. Going up top for the moonsault - and it hits! But
referee "Blind" Jack Doan is occupied with Christian on the apron - and
then Christian pulled off the apron and beat down by both Hardyz. Edge in
the ring now with an elbowdrop to break up the cover. Jackie mounts LIta
and starts punching away. Right hand in the corner, right, standing on the
neck, scoop...but Lita breaks free and DOES hit that Twist of Fate. 1, 2,
3. (2:35)
NEXT: Steve Blackman puts the Hardcore championship on the line against the
Road Dogg!
Wow, it MUST be a new season - there's a new UPN bumper!
Check out Rock, Foley and Chyna posing for a literacy poster. Sometimes,
the jokes just write themselves.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ROAD DOGG (with garbage can and muted "ass") v.
STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Dogg is decked out in his DX gear
- I thought he and X-Pac were...aw shit. Dogg's non-TV-PG spiel is
conveniently cut right after "Welcome to the Dogg House" as we go straight
to Mr. Party Time's entrance. It's his hometown crowd, you know. Dogg
meets him at the bottom of the aisle - Blackman avoids the tossed garbage
can, but not the clubbing forearms. Blackman turns it around, quick
strikes to the face and neck, then run into the garbage can on the floor.
Blackman goes hunting, but takes too long - Dogg rams the garbage can into
his shoulder. Lid to the head. WHACK! Blackman put in the ring, Dog
grabs some hardware before HE comes back in. But Blackman is ready -
thrust kick, garbage can to the head. Picking him up by the 'rows, another
garbage can. Blackman outside to get the sticks, but Dogg picks up the
kendo stick he ALSO put in the ring, and stands at the ready when Blackman
comes back in. "We know what time it is - IT'S PARTY TIME!" Blackman with
a stick display while Dogg craps his pants. Blackman dares Dogg to come at
him. Dogg tries a swing, but it's blocked with one stick while Blackman
clips him with the other. Dogg: "Curses!" Dogg tries again - Blackman
ducks and hits him about 213 times. Setting him up for the stick in the
crotch slam - 1, 2, Dogg *finally* lands a kendo stick shot to the head to
break it up. Blackman's a little woozy on the outside and Dogg sees an
opportunity - over with a garbage can to the back and Blackman falls over
the barricade. Dogg follows - garbage can, garbage can, garbage can - now
they're walking towards the backstage area. Hey, a sign in the garbage can
- the WWF *does* have sign police! Dogg puts Blackman's head onto a
lighting case, but Blackman comes back with a kick in the gut and HE puts
his head on that box. Over the barricade and into the front row - Blackman
with a chop, kick, Dogg going upstairs and Blackman following - along with
referee "Blind" Chad Patton and security uberlord Jim Dotson. STILL going
up - now up to the mezzanine - Dogg ducks a swing, left, left, left, juke,
jive, Blackman ducks the right, grabs his waist, and lifts him up to
collide with the low bridge above them. Now into the concession area,
Blackman leading Dogg by the hair. Big chop. Head to the merchandise
stand. Still walking along - whip into a fence is reversed and Blackman
hits hard. Dogg with a kick, right, right, right, Blackman with a kick,
straight right, and now they're brawling down a flight of stairs. Dogg
puts Blackman's head into the wall - Blackman with a kick at the bottom of
the stairs. Blackman puts Dogg's head into a door - no, it's blocked, and
Dogg puts Blackman's head there instead. Into another metal box. "Hey,
you ain't so lethal now, aint'cha?" Suddenly, Austin appears - gutshot,
chairshot, then Austin goes back on the nearby phone. Blackman hooks a leg
- 1, 2, 3! (5:27) "IT'S STILL MY HOUSE!" Hey, Austin OWED Blackman one
from Sunday anyway...
Elsewhere, Trish approaches Kane and tells him that she's chosen him to
team with T&A in tonight's big six-man. "First of all, Trish - your
mammary glands don't impress me. [A confused Trish massages her adenoids]
And second of all, I have no interest at all in hooking up with your boys
tonight or any night." "Did I mention they'd be taking on Too Cool and
Rikishi? I mean, after what happened 'tween you and Rikishi last Monday
night, I thought maybe you'd want to get some revenge - I mean, I don't
wanna gossip or anything, but a lot of people backstage are saying that
Rikishi kinda manhandled you, and...if you don't mind getting beat up in
the middle of the ring, I guess..." Kane backs her up against a garage
door and violates her personal space. "Trish, don't think that I don't see
what you're tryin' to do. And as far as Rikishi goes, don't worry. I'll
finish what I started Monday night - and I'll take Rikishi down."
In this thirty second "RAW is WAR" ad, they say "RAW is WAR" five times -
and "TNN" six. Yikes!
Moments Ago - Austin Austin Austin
Check out the latest WWF Divas photo shoot Sunday on Superstars - only on TNN!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ has something to say. "Two matters at hand. Number one,
I got something to say to my long-time broadcast colleague, good old MC,
Michael Cole! Michael, it's a damn shame that you're stuck sittin' next ta
THAT. Because as everybody knows, this Sunday night at WWF New York, you,
my man, are gonna be sittin' next to me at Sunday Night Heat! Hahahah -
LIVE on MTV, featuring, starring, heh heh, Tazz! Y'see, MC, that right
there...B-team. The One Man Crime Spree - A-team. Ahhahahahaha!
Hahahahaha! Matter number two. You know I don't have a lotta friends, but
I have one here tonight. And you know, we don't always see eye to eye, but
we got a lot in common, so I'd like to bring him out - he's a real handsome
man, so without any further ado, heeeeeeeeeere's RAVEN!" Raven's got some
unimpressive music, that same jacket, and a FUGLY handlebar mustache - that
reminds me, where's Saturn? Doesn't he need to drop Terri and get back
into the whole gay bondage thing he has going with Raven? All right, let's
listen. "The reason I've aligned myself with Tazz is because he
understands my suffering - he understands my pain - something a King
wouldn't know anything about." King takes a mic. "Hey, lemme...lemme just
tell you something that the King *does* know about. The King knows about
Tazz - and you know it's funny, Tazz that you come out here and you talk
about you being the A-team - yeah, you may be the A-team, because you know
what? You look like the illegitimate retarded son of Mr. T! And as far as
you go, Raven, you're right, I don't know much about you, but I do wanna
know if - I wanna know if the bag lady knows you've got her clothes - huh?"
"That's quite amusing, King. You're a regular Henny Youngman. You know,
sometimes in life we make our own choices. And sometimes, a choice is made
for us. And sometimes there is no choice. You see, King, it's typical of
you and your ilk. You and your sycophantic revelers, with their fancy
clothes and your middle-class suburbia with their two-car garage, white
picket fences, 2.3 kids, a dog, their hot pretzels and Diet Coke to make
fun of people like Tazz and myself from the lower class. Make fun of
people like us who live in squalor and poverty - what about me? WHAT ABOUT
RAVEN?" Crowd already chanting along with that one. "Do you know what
it's like to watch your parents beg for change? Do you know what it's like
to live in a box? I never got a hot dog. What about me? WHAT ABOUT
RAVEN?" Shouldn't Raven be turning aside to another camera and saying
"what a mark!" right about now? No, no wait! Maybe Saturn could come out
and tell us about how Raven was a rich kid growing up. No, wait! Maybe
"Jim" could appear with the picture of Roddy Piper that Raven kept in his
closet! NO, WAIT! Maybe-- well, what *does* happen is the "Y2J" countdown
counts down and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO shows. "Tazz - Raisin - would you
please SHUT THE HELL UP! You know, for the last couple of weeks, I've had
a table broken over my stomach, I've had a pair of nunchuks whack me over
the head, I've been smashed in the face with a glass bottle, but none of
those things were half as painful as sitting back there and listening to
your brutally boring speeches! What *about* you? What *about* Raisin? I
mean, you might as well ask 'What about the plight of the African
anteater?' Or, 'what about the price of back bacon in Saskatoon?' Or how
about 'what about the fact that nobody cares about any of those questions
and nobody gives a damn about either one of you?' But what all of these
Jerichoholics, what they do care about is seeing Y2J, so why don't you
two...special chums...agree to a tag team match against, let's say, Jerry
'the King' Lawler...and the Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rollah, right here on
SmackDown! tonight!" "We have no problem stomping you two like narcs at a
bike--" "Let's do it right now Jericho!!" And Raven and Tazz promptly head
for the King and start a two-on-one beatdown. Jericho runs down to help
out, and they turn it around. Tazz and Raven take off as Jericho's music
plays again. We'll have that match later tonight!
LILIAN GARCIA tells Triple H that he and Rock have had quite a history. H
say she knows everyone's wondering if he can trust the Rock tonight. He
doesn't like him, but he knows Rock can get the job done - "that is, if the
Rock can keep that massive, inflated ego of his in check." If Rock
realises there's a job that needs to be done here and avoids the
grandstanding and spotlight-hogging, then nobody can stop them.
Sunday Night Heat on MTV ad
TOO COOL & RIKASHMONEY (with Mandy & Victoria - and TV-PG-DLV ratings box -
AND new Rikishi music) v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model - and
SmackDown! is brought to you by Activision's "Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2",
Crunch 'n Munch, and Right Guard Xtreme Sports) and WELL IT'S KANE - Kane
and Rikishi engage in a staring contest as Lawler says "mammary" for the
millionth time. Man, NOBODY can make a aside feel more worn-out SO quickly
than Lawler. Grrrr. Kane regards his partners with unease as Albert and
Hotty start. Lockup, Hotty with a knee to the gut, side headlock, going
for a suplex, but Albert just calmly picks him up and moves him yaaaaaah
backwards to the corner. Hotty ducks a yaaah right, and peppers him with
rights, breakdances, and throws another right. Into the opposite corner is
yaaaaaah reversed, yaah gutshot, double underhook into a yaaaaaah slam.
Off the ropes, yaaaaah elbowdrop misses, tag to Sexay. Into the yah
corner, but Albert yaaaah gets the feet up - they both slide under to the
outside and grab an ankle when he lands. Face to the canvas. Hotty on top
- but Albert catches him...Sexay on top - dropkicking his partner to
complete the crossbody. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long says "Hotty's still the
legal man, right? 1, 2" and Albert kicks out. Presto provides a double
feature as Long suddenly remembers *Sexay* is the legal man and puts Hotty
outside. Into the ropes, reversed, head down, Sexay with a kick, kick,
Albert's yah clothesline is ducked, but not the followup from the other
arm, yah clotheslining him in the back of the head. Over to tag Test.
Into the ropes, yaaaaah double press...and drop. Test tosses him up and
lets him drop. Big clothesline. Test looks at Kane - then tags Albert.
Yah forearm to the back. Into the ropes, yaaaaaah shoulderblock. Alber'ts
one NOISY mofo, ain't he? Albert with a slingshot, throating Sexay on the
second rope. Another look at Kane - another tag to Test. Kane nods
knowingly. Into the corner, Sexay gets a knee up as Test comes in - second
rope clothesline. Both men down. Test back up, pointing to Kane - and
tagging Albert. On the other side, Sexay makes the hot tag to Rikishi!
Ducks the clothesline (must be because Albert didn't yell) and puts Albert
down with a Samoan Drop. Test gets one as well. Rikishi with the fat ass
splash on Albert. Hotty in, off the ropes, bulldog. W O R M and the
karate chop lands. Albert rolls out, back in, and lunges for Kane,
slapping him. Kane in - Rikishi right, right, right, right, Kane knee,
right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Kane DDT - hey,
you can't DDT a Samoan, can you? Rikishi staggers to the corner. Kane
uppercut, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Samoan Drop as Kane
comes out. Rikishi going for the fat ass splash but Kane manages to
sidestep at the last moment - got him in the choke! But Test decides now's
a good time to make the blind tag. Kane regards Test with some curiosity -
then chokeslams HIM instead. Kane takes off up the aisle as Albert
follows. Meanwhile, Rikishi is dragging Test to the corner. Up on the
second rope. Trish on the apron - Rikishi shoots her a look, points to
her, then points to the floor. Trish complies. Banzai Drop (which Cole
remembers to call the Rump Shaker instead of the Banzai Drop - good for
him, I guess) - 1, 2, 3. (5:19) Let's hear Rikishi's new music again?
What's he saying, "spin your buns around?" Must be something else, that
makes NO sense. Hey, I was just thinking - NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS
WHEN WE DANCE!! I think I can see Mandy's ass! Light up the turnbuckles!
Livewire Saturdays, Superstars Sundays - TNN makes your weekend COME ALIVE
WITH FLAVOUR
Look at the beautiful Pittsburgh skyline - and the handsome
However-You-Spell-It
Arena
Right to Censor attempted to lead a protest Earlier Today
Your commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
Let Us Take A Special Video Look behind the scenes of Chyna's Playboy shoot
- Arny Freytag tells us why they'd want to photograph her in the first
place. Chyna strikes a blow for womanhood. By posing NEKKID! Help me out
here - Chyna wants to be DIFFERENT from all the OTHER women in the
WWF....but she's got no problems engaging in the very T&A she'd made such a
big deal to avoid?
Before Lawler can make one of his "my dick's so hard I can't POSSIBLY stand
up" jokes, we cut to the ad break *just* in time. Lawler may be
wrestling...next!
UPN bumper
JERRY LAWLER (already in the ring) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Presto
presents No Mercy!) v. TAZZZZZZZ and RAVEN - Sign in crowd: "HEY VINCE -
JERICHO ISN'T A MIDCARDER" Vince: "Jericho's *whatever* I SAY he is!
Growl!" Tazz and Jericho start - Lockup, side headlock by Jericho, Tazz
powers out, shoulderblock by Jericho. Off the ropes up and over, sliding
under, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, back elbow
by Jericho meets Tazz coming in, missile dropkick, tag to Lawler. Kick,
kick, kick, RIGHT HAND, RIGHT HAND, snapmare, fistdrop from the second
rope, Tazz manages a tag to Raven. Gutshot, spinning back elbow, right,
off the ropes, another discus right, into the ropes, head down, Lawler
holds on, RIGHT HAND uppercut, piledriver setup is broken up as Tazz comes
in and waffles him from behind. Tazz with a clothesline. Raven rams
Lawler's head repeatedly into the mat. Tag to Tazz. They pull him out of
the corner - then shove him back in hard. Two more times with the same
move. Tazz right, right, right, tag. RAW is WAR on TNN graphic - Monday's
show provided TNN with their highest rating in their 17-year history.
Across the ring into the turnbuckle, and after King staggers out, they
AGAIN whip his head backwards into the mat. Raven puts King in the ropes,
head down, King with the PILEDRIVER! Tag to Jericho, off the ropes,
clothesline, off the ropes with another clothesline, shot for Tazz, but
Raven manages a forearm in the back. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks, flying
jalapeno, off the ropes with the bulldog, 1, 2, nope. Chop, into the ropes
but Raven holds on, knee in the gut, going for the DDT but Jericho takes
him down with a double leg. Going for the Walls of Jericho, and Lawler
runs across the ring to prevent Tazz from coming in to interfere - THEY end
up brawling on the outside, and drawing away the attention of referee
"Blind" Tim White. This means it's run-in time - sure enough, here's X-PAC
ONLY JOBS IN MATCHES HE ISN'T IN but *amazingly* Jericho must have eyes in
the back of his head as he ducks the spin kick that should have landed
there (the back of his head). Jericho with a big right and Lionsault to
X-Pac, but he's not his opponent - Raven is. And it's Raven with the
surprise kick in the gut, doubling over Jericho nicely for the DDT. 1, 2,
3. (3:27) X-Pac goes to work on Jericho as Tazz continues to stomp on the
King. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ come out to make the save. Play THEIR music!
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the awesome presence of the Rock - how's he
feel about having to team up with Triple H later tonight? "Hermy, let the
Rock answer your question with a question of his own. How would you feel
if the Rock just reared back and kicked you right in your little-bitty
testicles?" "Not very good?" "Not very good, well that's exactly the way
the Rock feels about teaming with Triple H..." Didn't I ALREADY see these
guys team up quite recently as part of a six-man match? Rock doesn't like
Triple H, doesn't trust Triple H - and blowing the cliche out of the water,
he doesn't respect Triple H either. But he DOES respect that he's a
four-time WWF Champion and knows he can get the job done. "The Rock has
one thing to say. THIS is the Rock's hand. You don't have to like it, you
don't have to respect it, all you have to do is tag it, so the Rock can
take it and layeth the smacketh down on alllllllll their candyasses! If ya
smelllllalalalalalooow what the Rock is cookin'!"
Funny, BOTH men said their partner "can get the job done." I wonder if
they're doing the job...tonight?
BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E (with Eddie Guerrero & the C-2000) v. STEVEN RICHARDS
(with Bald Venis and a terrycloth robe) - Chyna has a noticable stripe down
the front of her shorts tonight - possibly emblematic of her Playboy shoot.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Chyna pants Richards - ironically,
Richard's ass is CENSORED out of the replay. Chyna doesn't seem to keen on
the free robe with "NO" symbol on the back. Richards poking a finger in
Chyna's chest (no, higher, come on) - and Chyna shoves him down. Chyan
ducks a clothesline, crappy elbow, crappy elbow, crappy elbow, into the
ropes, crappy back elbow, field goal kick, kick, Richards outside and Chyna
follows - tossing him into the STEEL steps (and almost into Eddie! Wake
up!) Back in the ring - Venis grabs the ankle to trip her up - and
Richards waffles her from behind after she turns around. Stomp, Richards
removes his tie and garottes Chyna while referee "Blind" Jim Korderas
occupies himself trying to keep Venis and Guerrero from coming to blows on
the outside. Richards right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, choke. "Don't
you understand? I'm only doing this for you! I'm trying to help you!
Listen to me!" In the ring, Richards with a great facial expression - and
a nice vertical suplex. Richards continuing to state his case to Chyna.
Chyna decides a testicular claw is in order. She actually tries to
snapmare him over by his groin! Clothesline, clothesline, crappy elbow,
into the opposite corner, back to the FIRST corner, crappy handspring
elbow. Richards flumps down and Chyna does her Rikishi impersonation,
turning around to look at him. Then she removes her top to show off her
bra. Venis throws the robe at Chyna, and she kicks it back. Chyna unzips
her vagina and pulls off the shorts to reveal matching undies. Guerrero is
doing the "ride 'em cowboy" dance on the apron. Chyna slaps her ass as if
warming up for the stinkface...but Venis is in. Clothesline is ducked,
Guerrero grabs the ankle and pulls HIM out. Richards tries to take
advantage of the distraction, but Chyna ducks THAT clothesline, gutshot,
DDT, 1, 2, 3. (no opening bell - call it 3:16) Lawler says "bra and
panties" 719 times.
In Foley's "office," William Regal attempts to lodge a complaint about
Austin's assault on him Monday. Foley says he shouldn't have quoted Hamlet
and offers Henry VIII as an alternative. "Is this some kind of a joke to
you? This is no joke! Stone Cold Steve Austin isn't a joke! Perhaps he
doesn't have any respect for you or anything that you do...no, and perhaps
it's true what the other chaps backstage say, that you're some kind of a
joke." Foley says we'll see what Austni thinks when he gets a little
more...involved.
Stephanie, Lita and Kat narrate a Smack Down Your Vote spot
The wwfvote.com tally is 105,000
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY comes out with a chair...to sit in. Foley takes a
position at the top of the ramp.
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW (France) v.
Oh, I *hope* somebody writes to the Torch and tells them that "tete" is
French for Head! OUI! The thing that boggles my mind is that people need
this TOLD to them DESPITE the fact that they actually *spell it out for
you* on the OvalTron - EVERY TIME! Okay, okay, people are stupid, I need
to accept that. Oy. Snow walks a poodle to the ring, carries French
bread, French fries, and a picture of Pepe LePew. Lawler threatens to go
mess with X-Pac, but Cole mentions that Foley is out there. Lawler says
that Foley would probably fine and suspend HIM but he'd NEVER do that for
AUSTIN. X-Pac decides to break the glass of the picture. This draws out
Snow - right, right, right, into the ring. Cole: "You know I've checked
with the respective embassies, and none of them know anything about Al Snow
representing their countries, by the way. MICHAEL COLE, INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTER X-Pac forearms Snow in the back as he tries to follow him into
the ring, again, into the ropes, reversed, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning
heel kick. Forearm to the back. Another forearm. Into the corner, but
X-Pac crotches himself when Snow moves out of the way. Right by Snow,
right, right, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by X-Pac, running at
Snow...into a powerslam for 2. Scoop..and a slam. Snow up top for the
moonsault - but he lands on the knees! X-Pac kicks him in the head a few
times...but as he winds up for the broncobuster, Austin's music kicks in in
mid-gallop. Foley gets up and looks to the entryway wielding his
chair...which of course means that STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN enters through
the crowd instead. Kick, Stunner for X-Pac. Kick, Stunner for Snow.
Kick, Stunner for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Okay, NOW I think I'm
remembering why I *shouldn't* be missing him. Austin catches two beers and
heads up the aisle to Foley. Foley starts to talk to him...and Austin
walks right by him and backstage. Foley isn't thrilled about that... (No
contest? Around 2)
Meanwhile, Triple H catches up with Rock backstage. "Understand something.
This is not about your hand, or me tagging it. I don't like your hand, I
don't like any part of you. But tongiiht, for one night only, it's not
gonna be about who's better, you or me - it's about you and I getting in
the ring kickin' ass together. Understand?" "Triple H, you and the Rock -
we can talk all night long. But nothing's ever gonna change between you
and the Rock. So do yourself a favour - you just meet the Rock in the
middle of the ring tonight. PROVE to the Rock that you're That Damn Good."
He goes to leave, but H grabs his arm. "You don't worry about me - you
Just Bring It."
In the local spot, we get an XFL ad. Is it about football...or Vince McMahon?
Moments Ago, Austin Austin Austin
Our commentators shill Heat - Disturbed will perform - Austin will be there
- hoorah
KING KURT ANGLE (with Earlier Tonight) and CHRIS BENOIT (with Last Monday)
v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) and IF YA SMELLLLLLL - Hey, Benoit's
headbutt of Stephanie looks just like every Big Show headbutt as described
by Herb Kunze EVER ("headbutts his own hand"). Benoit and Angle waste no
time continuing their "discussion" from earlier tonight, but as soon as
Helmsley gets in the ring, they go after him....or I should say it's just
Benoit, and he TRIES to. H gets first right on Benoit, right, kick, kick,
kick, kick, Angle from behind, block, right, right, right for Benoit, right
for Angle, right for Benoit, kick by Angle, right, H into the corner, kick
for Benoit, but now the numbers finally take over - big shoulder into the
taped ribs by Angle. The music hits for the Rock - now he breaks into a
trot as he sees his partner being doubleteamed in the corner, right for
Benoit, right for Angle, right for Benoit, and continuing on Benoit until
throwing him out as H turns it around and tosses *Angle.* And NOW, the
opening bell sounds. Benoit and Angle having a disagreement about who's
going to start - which is settled when Benoit throws Angle into the ring.
Triple H stays in, since this is his guy - clothesline, right, right, kick,
kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, ducks the clothesline,
hangman's neckbreaker. Tag to Rock, open shot, right, right, into the
corner, Angle puts up an elbow, but runs into a belly-to-belly for 2.
Stomp, stom, into the ropes, reversed, Angle's back elbow finds the mark.
Stomp, stomp, tag. Holding him for an open kick by Benoit, right, kick,
into the ropes, knee in the gut and Rock flips. 1, 2, no. Tag to Angle -
open kick. Right hand. Right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, but
the Samoan Drop works for Rock - hooking the leg, but only getting 2. H
wants the tag - and gets it. Right hand. Right, into the ropes, reversed,
duck, gutshot by H, into the ropes, off the ropes, ducks the punch, but not
the high knee. Angle put into the ropes, reversed, head down, facebuster.
1, 2, Benoit breaks it up. If you ever wrestle Triple H, LET HIM WHIP YOU.
If you reverse it, he's got all these other moves, but if you actually let
him finish the whip, he'll be so surprised that he'll have NO idea what to
do! Right hand from The Game. Heat shill. Into the ropes is reversed,
and Benoit puts a knee into the injured ribs. H manages to get a shot in
on Benoit in return, but Angle hits a belly-to-belly when he turns back
around. Benoit tagged in. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, and so on. Head to the buckle, and Benoit starts chatting with
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner while Angle chokes away on Helmsley - but H
manages an elbow and a right hand that puts him down to the floor.
Returning to the ring, Benoit puts H down in the crossface! Angle meets
the Rock before he can break it up - right hand, clothesline puts him out!
Will Triple H give it up? H screams in pain...but manages to hold on until
the Rock can come back in and step on Benoit's face. Benoit with the
German suplex - holding on for two, but H elbows out of it. Shoving Benoit
into the ropes - and into Angle, who was standing on the apron at JUST the
wrong place. Benoit falls backwards into a schoolboy - 1, 2, NO! Benoit
walks over to Angle and asks what's wrong with him - and now they're back
to shoving again! Angle decks Benoit right into a Pedigree attempt...but
clotheslines Triple H to prevent it. Benoit back up first - pulling
Helmsley away from the Rock and dropping him with a death suplex. Benoit
up top - headbutt to the ribs! Cover, leg is hooked...but Rock makes the
save. This draws in *Angle*, over to the Rock with a forearm in the back.
Rock turns around with a look, and barrels over him with a clothesline.
Right, over the ropes to the floor...and following. Right, head to the
apron, trying for the STEEL steps but Angle reverses and puts Rock there
instead. Angle grabs the title belt and poises himself for a shot to
Triple H...but Rock grabs Angle's ankle, pulling him back outside! Head to
the commentary table. Meanwhile (in a post-production edit), H grabs the
belt and waffles Benoit with it! Looking back to Rock and Angle fighting,
and Hebner totally ignoring H's cover by trying to keep Rock away. Angle
makes his way back in and clocks H with the belt, then puts Benoit on
top...Hebner back in - 1, 2, shoulder BARELY up! Both men need to
tag...and both men will. Rock with a right, right, right for Benoit,
right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT, taking Benoit out of the ring - back to
Angle, caught in a spinebuster! Must be time for the most electrifying
yadda yadda yadda, the People's Elbow! 1, 2, Benoit JUST in time to break
it up with an elbowdrop. H over, punching him out of the ring...and
following. Whip into the STEEL steps is reversed, and H hits hard. Inside
the ring, Angle lands a death suplex on the Rock. Benoit has a chair - but
Stephanie is over and grabbing it from him on the downswing! Benoit turns
to Stephanie and threatens to use the chair...but now *Angle* is outside,
standing between them and telling him not to go there! H manages to
recover enough to spin Benoit around and land a right hand. Head to the
STEEL steps. Angle is checking on Stephanie...but Rock is over with a
right. H puts Benoit into the commentary table - and again. Rock brings
Angle over and puts HIS head into the commentary table. Now they both do
it. Now Rock. Now H. Is this a competition? Angle into the commentary
table, Benoit into the commentary table, Angle, Benoit, Angle, Benoit...why
isn't Hebner disqualifying these guys? HE'S LOOKIN' RIGHT AT 'EM!!
Sheesh! Rock and Angle back in - Rock with a chair and poised to
strike...but *Stephanie* is in to save *Angle* from the chair, much like
she did earlier with her husband and Benoit! Rock turns to Stephanie and
forces a look of surprise out of her...but Angle is up behind the Rock -
OLYMPIC SLAM! 1, 2, THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! (9:27) Kurt Angle goes
OVER in his hometown with a pin of the WWF Champion! Rocky GETS THE JOB
DONE! Angle celebrates all the way up the ramp, and as we look back in the
ring, we see that Rock and H are in stunned disbelief and behind them on
the apron...and CLAPPING...is Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.
Christopher Robin Zimmermanwww.CRZ.net