Lesley Parker

"A retiree may have a five- or 10-year window - though hopefully longer - from when they first retire where their health is good and they can have a very active retirement." Photo: Sean Davey

Retirees have a ''sweet spot'' of about 10 years when they have both the energy and the financial resources to enjoy themselves, but increasingly these golden years are being spent changing nappies and making play dough instead of ticking off their ''bucket list'' of things to do before they kick the proverbial.

Financial advisers say some clients aren't able to travel or enjoy the company of friends because they're providing free childcare, but they won't broach the subject with their adult children for fear of creating bad feelings.

One perspective is that retirees are stepping up because they're worried about the financial strain their adult children are under at a time when the cost of a house in the inner suburbs of major cities tops $1 million. If they can't help with cash, they want to help ''in kind''.

A less generous view is that some adult children don't want to curtail their own lifestyle - where the nice house in the desirable suburb equals both being at work - even if that means curtailing their parents' lifestyle in retirement.

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A study in 2011 by Access Economics, Australian National University and Australian Treasury found that 37 per cent of care for preschool children was ''informal'', often provided by relatives and friends.

Balance needed

Financial advisers and seniors groups say balance is needed so retirees can lead their lives to the full while they're still healthy without feeling guilty.

They say retirees have to set some boundaries - and adult children have to ask themselves whether being a carer is really what mum and dad want.

''What the grandparents say when talking to their kids is probably totally different to what they're saying to me as their adviser, or to their friends,'' says certified financial planner Ben Maw of BPM Financial.

What they're telling him is that they love their grandchildren but feel pressurised.

''Several of my clients are now fully retired and fortunate enough to have the financial resources to be able to do all the things retirees should be doing in the early years of retirement, while their health is OK,'' Maw says. ''[But they're] not able to take the trips away that they would love to take due to pressure from their adult children to help out with babysitting or looking after grandchildren.

''I'm continually hearing this same line: 'We'd love to book a big trip away but our son/daughter needs us to help with looking after the grandchildren several days a week.

''I then get the story about how their adult children have a massive mortgage and both need to work to meet repayments and can't afford or prefer not to use childcare.''

The tipping point for Maw was when a client couldn't even consider a few days interstate. ''The reason I get annoyed by this situation is simply this: a retiree may have a five- or 10-year window - though hopefully longer - from when they first retire where their health is good and they can have a very active retirement. If they're getting emotionally blackmailed to be on hand to provide childcare, then from where I sit it's really limiting the golden years of retirement. Health changes too quickly at that age.''

Neat overlap

These golden years of retirement tend to neatly overlap the years of early childhood for grandchildren, when childcare is most needed. Advocacy group National Seniors has also seen the problem. Chief executive Michael O'Neill says grandparents are under ''great pressure'' to provide help so both parents can work but not have their income eroded by expensive childcare.

''It's happening, and happening much more often,'' O'Neill says. There are clearly housing affordability pressures on younger people, he says, and their parents' generation attaches great importance to owning a home. So grandparents who can't contribute cash figure they can help out by providing childcare.

''The key question is getting the balance right,'' O'Neill says. ''Where you draw the line is up to individual grandparents to decide but they shouldn't feel guilty - that's part of the respectful conversation that the whole family should have.''

If grandparents plan to travel, they need to make it clear that alternative arrangements will be needed for that period and not feel guilty about saying so. ''It's about saying, 'You've got your [life], I want a bit of the same - I want to lead my life fully as well. Part of that is being connected to my grandchildren but I also want to do other things'.''

Maw says adult children should ask themselves whether they're taking advantage of their parents' generosity - perhaps the offer of one day a week has stretched into an actual three or four days.

''It's a really fine line between what's good company and enjoyable time with the grandchildren and what becomes a bit onerous,'' he says. Adult children should make it clear they can make other arrangements for childcare if necessary.

Retirement lifestyle author Jill Weeks agrees that a frank family discussion is required.

''Ideally, before retirement there needs to be a discussion with the parents about the likelihood of babysitting … the issue of the grandparents travelling or being away or pursuing things they've longed to do needs to be raised,'' she says.

''It's important to discuss with children that you may not be available … due to travel and other pursuits.''

The family also needs to talk about what happens if and when childcare becomes too tiring.

Are you spending your days looking after the grandkids when you'd much rather be doing something else? Are you happy?

183 comments

The happiest year of my life was when I deliberately quit teaching to orient my granddaughter, Mia, to her first year of schooling. I am not yet retired, but when I am I wouldn'r mind recapturing that all over again. Why is there an implication that you are giving up time with your friends. Grandchildren are your friends if you let them be.

Commenter

EricZ

Location

Chna

Date and time

May 01, 2013, 8:15AM

I have no grandchildren (yet) and I'm approaching retirement. Nothing would light up my retirement years more than a grandchild or two. I can't think of anything more worthwhile or rewarding.

Commenter

alto

Date and time

May 01, 2013, 1:26PM

My inlaws too....glad to hear I'm not the only one. They are worth millions and love to complain about todays generation. He had a nice easy 9-5 job with secretary as in those good old days & she stayed at home maintaining the house and cooking his meals. Neither of their 30 year old + kids can afford a house yet but are saving (and going without most things), but the inlaws love to complain to them about not buying one sooner & how they bought one in their 20's (only cause it was so cheap in relation to wages back then). Love to complain about us not having enough time for the family (cause we all work!!) etc etc.....and they so tight, we end up having to even buy their coffees for them when we out.

Commenter

Sydney78

Date and time

May 01, 2013, 3:40PM

I don't think the point is whether grand children a wonderful and fulfilling. Rather, the point appears to be that grand parents shouldn't be guilted into a permanent committment (up 5 days a week) to be carers, which may stop them doing other thing from time-to-time. It is not about never looking after the grand kids; but, allowing people to travel or do something else, even if it is only very occasionally.

I am the father of two (soon to be three) children and a big concern is that my wife's or my parents, who are extremely generous with their time, do not feel as though they are employees. We were told very firmly when the first child was born that it would be their pleasure to help out but they would not be permanent carers. I think that is how it should be.

I can barely handle my own kids on a full-time basis (and they are pretty good kids). No one else should HAVE to do it, if they are not being paid. I acknowledge that some families have very few options and I know that we are lucky in that regard. I also understand that grand parents enjoy time with their grand kids; but, surely not every single week to the exclusion of doing other things occasionally.

Commenter

Geemacaitch

Location

Sydney

Date and time

May 01, 2013, 3:19PM

Exactly this. The tender tiny years are so precious for little children, why does this assume that grandparents are sacrificing their time - they may very well be enjoying their grandchildren and prefer spending time with them to cavorting around the world.

Commenter

Mike

Location

Forestville

Date and time

May 02, 2013, 8:28AM

If my parents lust for investment properties hadn't priced half my generation out of the housing market and committed the other half into the dual-income or die scenario we would not be having this conversation.

Commenter

hellonathan

Location

melbonk

Date and time

May 02, 2013, 8:58AM

Wow, it's really great to hear so many grandparents on here who love the idea of helping out with the grandchildren! I don't have kids yet, but they will be in my near future though - I'll be thrilled to let Mum and Dad look after them as often as they want. However I would never be so selfish as to gobble up their golden years with babysitting duties just so my life doesn't have to change! As far as I'm concerned, they've already put in the hard yards raising me and my brother - now it's my turn to look after them and ensure they have a chance to relax, travel and do all the things on their bucket lists.

Commenter

Disgruntled Goat

Date and time

May 02, 2013, 9:35AM

I don't mind my parents or my wife's parents looking after the kids a hell of a lot, mainly because they truly like it. On the other hand - if you want to view it as a question of ledgers and repayment - when our parents get old and infirm we will certainly be looking after them properly in our own house, not dumping them in the undignified disgrace that is aged care.

For some people it will be different; They may have parents who may be less interested in the grandkids than ours are for whatever reason, some good some bad, or they may be less interested themselves in handing the kids to grandparents. How can you make rules for something so subjective?

Commenter

Hermocrates

Location

Syracuse

Date and time

May 02, 2013, 10:46AM

This is such a first world anglocised problem. Most other cultures have the grandparents as a central part of the family unit who are looked after in old age by their children and who in turn help with bringing up the family. It is called being a family, and we are the witnesses to the disintegration of the family unit in a society obsessed with self to the exclusion of others.

Commenter

Col the Pariah

Location

Faulco

Date and time

May 02, 2013, 11:45AM

In China the culture has long been this way. As I understand, children are closer to their grandparents than their actual parents. Some good values are often amiss in western youth today and this bond forges a strong cultural continuum, traditional values instilled in younger generations, while elders have the joy of seeing their line mature. It's also a great way for elders to have a more direct link to the rapidly changing contemporary world we live in.