Q. Favorite television show

Revealing Questions

Q. How would you describe your life in only 8 words?

Q. What is your motto or maxim?

A. I got a good Christian raisin' and an eighth grade education. Ain't no need in y'all treating me this way

Q. How would you describe perfect happiness?

A. In my book I describe perfect happiness as drinking the still-warm blood of my friends from the hollowed-out skulls of my enemies. So I'm going to go with either that or hugging a newborn kitten.

Q. What’s your greatest fear?

A. Losing everything

Q. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you choose to be?

A. At the UN, accepting an award for being the greatest person in human history

Q. With whom in history do you most identify?

A. Richard Nixon

Q. Which living person do you most admire?

A. my dad

Q. What are your most overused words or phrases?

A. Hitlertastic, ungrammaticaliciousness and the

Q. What do you regret most?

A. Where do I begin?

Q. If you could acquire any talent, what would it be?

A. If I could change the channel on the TV without actually getting up and doing so manually, that would be almost inconceivably awesome.

Q. What is your greatest achievement?

A. The Big Rewind, and keeping my two cats out of cat prison despite their many cat crimes

Q. What’s your greatest flaw?

A. Where do I begin?

Q. What’s your best quality?

A. My sturdy hump/willingness to look the other way when my neighbors start moonshine stills in their backyards

Q. If you could be any person or thing, who or what would it be?

A. To paraphrase Woody Allen, my only regret in life is that I am not someone else

Q. What trait is most noticeable about you?

A. my terrible posture and air of ineffable sadness

Q. Who is your favorite fictional hero?

A. Dolemite

Q. Who is your favorite fictional villain?

A. Satan

Q. If you could meet any historical character, who would it be and what would you say to him or her?

A. Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "How's your hammer hanging?" Alternately I might just make small talk about the weather or baseball statistics. I've always wanted to ask our greatest President what he thinks about the White Sox's bullpen or if it might rain.

Q. What is your biggest pet peeve?

A. Presidents who aren't adept at making small talk

Q. What is your favorite occupation, when you’re not writing?

A. reading

Q. What’s your fantasy profession?

A. I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing right now.

Q. What 3 personal qualities are most important to you?

A. honesty, a sense of humor and being able to hold your whiskey

Q. If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your days, what would it be?