Am I the only one getting seriously tired of being told that athletes are heroes? Why am I constantly being reminded through the media and other people that I should take pause and admire these heroic feats of make believe?

Wow! He jumped over a rather high horizontal stick using nothing but his own two legs and a really silly technique? Did he do it while wearing a colourful but impractical hat? Nothing’s athletically awe inspiring unless ridiculous headgear is a involved. If you ask me.

What are our values? Actual heroes put themselves at great personal risk in order to help others. A true hero might even face certain death to save another life. They do not retire at 40 and putter around strip clubs in Monaco, doing coke off of some skank’s snatch. Live the dream man, but don’t expect me to worship you for it.

Being the best at something non-sensical can be interesting, I’ll give you that. For instance – having the ability to masturbate over twenty times during the little drive to work is as impressive as it is daring. That type of stamina and speed and reckless disregard for traffic safety is outstanding. A hero however, you are not. Just sticky and exhausted.

Chasing a leather sphere around a field is as abhorrent a behaviour as many others frowned upon by society. (see example mentioned above) Add to this: Shimmying into a little outfit and squat-thrusting for hours in the name of fun and the entire thing seems borderline psychotic. Cheering them on feels almost cruel in such a context.

I understand why the media are farting out praises for these plastic heroes. There’s a profit to be made and airtime to be filled. Why in the world other people, many of whom could not care less about actual physical exercise, go on and on about sports I shall never understand.

Now, the joy of watching a sports injury unfold I can comprehend. Thank God these sportsmen aren’t discouraged by the fact that the laws of physics are working against them. Where would franchises like “World’s Worst Whatever” be? Out of business, that’s where. And in this economy we need all the profitable ventures we can get.

So gimme a jingle when the next NASCAR driver turns his torso into a modern work of art using nothing but the momentum of the vehicle. True heroes sacrifice their lives, after all. For my entertainment.