Reports from Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars.

Government Sets Record Straight On New Newspaper Plan*

Attacks on government’s plans to create another daily newspaper for Bermuda have been slammed as "sheer jealousy" by government spokesperson and Daily Ewart editor-in-chief Clancy Cofantt.

Recent mentions by government ministers of a desire to create an additional daily newspaper for Bermuda were met with suspicion or even derision by existing media outlets and bloggers.

Fortunately, claims of an expensive propaganda project are unfounded, according to Cofantt, who says The Daily Ewart will be, "an unbiased and neutrally written quality newspaper with something for everyone (who looks like us).

"We were tired of current media failing to ask the important questions, concentrating instead on trivial matters such as mismanagement, overspending and Senator Barmy’s outbursts," she continued. "Not one of them has had the insight and journalistic integrity to focus on the critical issues such as P2’s ability to source the perfect party favours for any occasion, or whether the First Lady’s shoes are Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahnik."

With the Daily Ewart scheduled to launch at an intimate soiree for 300 guests on December 11th (tickets $19,000 from Ticketmaster), Cofantt gave us a sneak preview of what readers can expect from Bermuda’s latest rag:

Hard hitting news without the bias. In the first issue, chief investigative reporter Wayne Dwaines will deliver his expose on work permit cheats who deny locals of jobs that are rightfully theirs by working unpaid overtime.

Home & Interiors columnist Corporal Barmy will give his unique slant on colour co-ordination for the house.

Gossip columnist Dame Lolita will recount witty and slanderous tales from all the best parties, functions and parliament bathrooms.

Agony Emperor P2 will offer advice and solutions to those tough, tricky or downright embarrassing problems. In the first week, learn how to deal with Europeans with odour issues, how to handle embarrassing colleagues past their use-by date and how to avoid unwelcome invitations from men in funny hats.

Motoring: will the Peugeot Desolé give you the ride of your life or will the Scoopy win out in our battle of the dream machines? Plus advice on how to pimp your GP car.

Fashion expert Princess Vidal tells us what will be the hot hairstyles for the holiday season – and models each and every one. We also show you how to show off Bermuda’s hottest trend: fat bottoms and Louis Vuitton handbags.

Health expert Grassfield DeViant shares his knowledge of herbal remedies and offers recipes that will have you feeling better and forgetting your troubles in no time.

Gardening: How to rearrange your herbaceous borders to accommodate the odd hospital or two. Plus tips on renting your 6 x 4 shed to an expat for $1400/month.

* Actually they haven’t set the record straight as far as we know and the above articles were fabricated by Bermuda Sucks (but would be really great ideas – we’re glad to write them for a spare assessment number, a huge funding increase to the WRC and a case of Black Seal).

Comments

Sir George Somers said, "it was a perfect storm'. Now if they could only get along. Damn pigs! Oh, their good for eating but "this is nott a middel eeteryn cummuniti". We love the oils and fat from the swine.

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