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> Powerful and Mighty Oracle, who is so smart that sometimes you have> trouble expressing yourself in simple terms for us meer mortals, please> respond to my humble request.>> Recently, you sent me an answer to one of my questions. However this> answer was quite different than any of the other answers I have> received or read in the Digests. Your answer was:>> } ~>> I have been staring at this answer for three days now, and have not> achieved enlightenment from it. I have concluded that I must be too> dense to figure out any meaning in this answer. So now I humbly beg you> to please elaborate in simpler terms as I am not nearly as brilliant as> your magnificence.

} The Omniaccurate Oracle believes in going directly to the source.}} HEY! HEY, PUTZ--er, PRIESTS! QUIT PLAYING MINESWEEPER AND GET IN HERE!}} Now I need to call my cousin. Yah? Tell those warbling little angels to} keep it down for a few, eh? I'm going to put you on the speaker phone.}} All right, folks, here's the deal: the supplicant wants to know whether} being a priest is a blessing or a curse. Yah's gonna run down the} varieties of each for us, and you just chime in with your experiences.} Got it? Good.}} "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."}} OK, hold on a sec, let me write this down. Fungaroli's bummed because} her bosses won't let her yodel on her radio show. Kinzler is whiny} because you can't get anything stronger than 3.2 in Bloomington.} Darkmage is pouting because people make fun of his nickname. Is that} it? OK, go on, Yah.}} "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."}} No, Sewell, mourning for your hairline doesn't count.}} "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."}} Next.}} "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they} shall be satisfied."}} Next.}} No, I am NOT "blowing through them," Panzer. Or should I remind you of} the pictures you downloaded yesterday, and a few hours of Photoshop} work that added in two nuns, a gazelle, and a hot tub full of tapioca?}} "Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all} kinds of evil against you falsely on my account."}} Well, there may be something to that. My queue of "Where do your @#%&*} priests get their &@#$!* senses of humor?" is still running in the} triple digits each day.}} That wraps up blessings, Yah? OK, how about curses?}} Well, there's the monthly one. Only Fungaroli and Wilson have that one} to worry about. Jeez, this priesthood is kind of a male-heavy club,} isn't it?}} "Cursed be he who misleads a blind man on the road." Quit snickering} and pointing. If you have something to say, say it.}} "Cursed be he who lies with any kind of beast." OK, stop making fun of} Forbes' date at the last Priests' smoker. She wasn't baa-ing, she had} asthma.}} This is getting nowhere fast. Let me cut right to the point:}} You all get to read a bunch of peoples' attempts at being funny?}} *nods*}} And you glean only ten for every couple of days, and still people only} give about a third of them more than a lukewarm chuckle?}} <Yeah> <Mmm-hmm> <Yup> <Yes>}} And they gripe, moan, whine, steam, and grouse, cast aspersions on your} sense of humor, and then redouble their efforts to show you how it's} done? Hey! not all at once. I get the picture. Someone wipe the foam} off of Engelhardt's lips, eh? I think he fainted.}} Clearly, being an Internet Oracle Priest isn't a blessing or a curse --} it's eternal punishment. The only question is, what did you folks do to} deserve this? Hmmmmm ...}} I think I know ...}} Show of hands, and no nonsense. How many of you were guilty of spamming} your friends with every funny or semi-funny note that anyone sent to} you? You were the ones, the jokelist geysers, the spewers of top-ten} lists and "Green Eggs and Ham" parodies, weren't you? WEREN'T you?}} That's what I thought.}} You owe the Oracle, incarnated as D. Srader, a promise to clean up your} act. Otherwise, we may have an opening here soon.

> Oh great Oracle, who's shoe's never need polishing, who's shirts are> never wrinkled, and who's pants never need pressed, please answer this> humble supplicant's request even though I be naught but as lint in thy> pocket.>> I got a new wash and wear suit. If I'm in a hurry can I just wear it> into the shower and clean up and go to my meetings?

} No you cannot wear the suit directly into the shower. The problem lies} in the structure of the weave they use to make these clothes and in} the flow of water. Consider the following facts:}} 1. A regular shower consists of about 2 gallon of water per minute} 2. A wash and wear suit is sewed by acrylic materials that lets through} about 0.1 gallons of water per minute.} 3. The fitnes of such a suit is not 100% so there are a 15%} let-through of water around the neck and such. This means that the} suit is filled at a rate of 0.3 gallons a minute.} 4. A suite that is of normal fitness has a maximum of 0.5-1 gallons of} empty space when weared.}} Conclusion: Your suit *will* explode in less than two minutes.}} You owe the Oracle a pair of aluminum swimming-trunks.

} Harumph.}} What is this garbage? Yet /another/ Internet lackey who can't even} grovel!?}} Why I ought to...}} *has second thoughts about using Ye Ole Mighty Zot Maker (tm) to} smite the undeserving supplicant back into the volcanic ash from whence} (s)he came*}} So you wanna Newsgroup Server to post to, do ya?}} Information like this does not come cheaply, my little supplicant. You} must prove yourself worthy and capable of dealing with such potentially} powerful addresses. But since you (obviously) know how to send email,} you may be ready.}} But, to make it easy for you, here's a checklist to see if you qualify:}} 1] Have you ever responded to or sent an email whose subject is "Make} money FAST !!!1!!"} 2] Do you find yourself sending emails to people with subjects like} "Ignore -- test."} 3] Are you afraid of catching the "Goodtimes Virus"?} 4] Do you often send emails whose entire body consists entirely of "Me} too!"?} 5] Does the concept of "Blue-Green Algae" sound interesting?} 6] Have you ever asked The Internet Oracle a question, and forgotten} to grovel?}} If you answered YES to _any_ of the above questions, you are not} worthy. Stick to reading the funnies on Sunday (you'll be less} confused). Perhaps in a future life you will attain the wisdom needed.}} If you answered NO to _all_ the questions above, you are worthy of} having a list of addresses to Newsgroup Servers. Of course, if you} answered NO to all the questions above, you should be able to find the} addresses for yourself.}} In either case, you owe the Oracle a battery powered reversible swizzle} stick. In red.

} The patient's eyes opened. He made no attempt to escape from the} straitjacket, as he had before. His mouth worked, but the lips} remained closed. He did not make a sound.}} "Oh good!" the nurse said, "I see you're doing a lot better now.} Now it's dinnertime. Open wide. She dipped the spoon in the broth,} and leaned forward, toward the patient.}} As the spoon neared his face, the patient's face took on a different} look, one of unmitigated anger. His eyes stared wildly at the} spoon, and his mouth worked furiously, lips pressed firmly together.} Just as the spoon was about to touch his lips, he spat violently in} the nurse's face. Shocked, the nurse jerked backward, spilling the} hot broth on the patient's crotch, and eliciting a bellow of pain} and rage. The nurse dashed out, wiping her face on her sleeve and} calling for assistance and a bucket of cold water.}} Later, in the head psychiatrist's office, the nurse was giving her} report to the doctor. "He still seems to be suffering from these} delusions about being an oracle or whatever it is."}} "Any improvement in the language recognition areas?" asked the doctor,} scribbling notes in the patient's chart.}} "No, and there must still be some degree of hallucination. too.} He doesn't appear to recognize food, either by sight or by smell.} After the incident with the broth, he was shouting 'I'm sick of all} these woodchucks!'"}} "Right. We'll try increasing the dosage of Haldol. Keep the} restraints on him for the time being. And tell the nurses on the} next shift to report anything unusual immediately."}} You owe the Orac^H^H^H^Hpatient a discharge.

} Yes.}} However, Black is not "the absence of all color" as you so ignorantly} assume. You have obviously confused the proper noun "Black"} (capitalized) with the simple adjective "black" (all lower case). The} former appears in names such as the "Black Sea", which has nothing to do} with an absence of light.}} To prevent you, the supplicant, from making similar mistakes, I have} prepared a list of other confusing pairs of words. Study this list, and} you'll never make the capitalization mistake again!}} ray -- a beam of illumination} Ray -- your beer-bellied neighbor who forgot to return your lawn mower}} apple -- a delicious piece of fruit} Apple -- a flavorless heap of plastic and silicon}} macintosh -- a variety of apple} Macintosh -- a variety of Apple}} oracle -- a fountain of wisdom} Oracle -- Yours Truly} (Actually, these two aren't that different.)}} windows -- things that break when you throw baseballs at them} Windows -- things that break when you click on them}} gore -- blood and guts} Gore -- a politician}} Ms. -- an unmarried female} MS -- a tyrannical empire}} gates -- things that prevent you from going where you want to go today} Gates -- someone responsible for software that prevents you from going} where you want to go today}} You owe The Oracle a date with Vanna White.}} <ouch> Lisa, cut that out!

} Still a buck private, eh? Well, don't feel too bad about} it. After all, privates are the ones who really make up} the army, aren't they? Be proud of what you are! And} remember, if you keep up the good work, you'll soon make} it to PFC, and then you'll be able to send messages like}} (> .}} Who knows, if you decide to make a career of it (and you} could do worse), you could even get as far as}} >>}} or}} (>>> .}} You owe the Oracle a shoeshine and a snappy salute.

> Dear Oracle, who even understands what is left after> Nothing is taken away,>> I have too much free space on my disk,> so it looks like I haven't been doing enough work.>> Can I get some kind of program to compress the free space,> so it won't take up so much space?

} The internet Oracle suggests you switch to Windows 95,}} your disk will be full before you know it, and you'll be asking for an} extra gigabyte before you can say "Why don't I just use linux?"}} T.I.O.