Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Mystery of Science

What would life be without a little mystery?

Who cares?

Really?

Not science, that’s for sure.

That question didn’t even make the top ten. See, LiveScience lists what the boys in coke bottle glasses consider the top ten greatest mysteries in science. And as I read through the list, something occurred to me – scientists really need to get out more often.

Seriously folks, I knew the answers to all of these so-called stumpers:

- What drives evolution?

Stupidity. Evolution is a natural process for weeding stupid people out of the gene pool. Do you see anybody poking a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a pointy stick nowadays? No, you do not. All of those giggling idiots got recycled into the ecosystem as dinosaur crap a long, long time ago. Of course, without stupid stick poking people, eventually the T-Rexes starved to death, and we had to start all over.

- What happens inside an earthquake?

Apparently anybody can be a scientist. What happens inside an earthquake? Well, there’s a whole lotta shakin going on in there. Hell, even Jerry Lee Lewis knew that, and he was from Louisiana.

Did you look under the sofa cushions? That’s where it was the last time.

- What causes gravity?

Pillows. Seriously, there are some mornings where the gravity is so strong, I really don’t think I have the strength to lift my head off the pillow. The gravitational attraction of pillows is an invisible force that reaches right through other objects – for example, the couch pillows are pulling at me right now with an almost irresistible tidal attraction. The force has already fastened both cats securely to the couch. You can’t fight gravity, folks, don’t even try.

Q- What is Tofu and why would you put it in your mouth? A- You really don't want to know.

Q- If you are an attractive busty blonde, is it even possible that you won’t get tapped for the TSA’s new full-body X-ray vision machine? A- I suspect most women with large tracts of land will get selected. Talk about profiling...

Q- Could Rush Limbaugh be a bigger asshole? A- Do we really want that answer?

Q- Why oh why doesn’t Hollywood make more movies with Kate Beckinsale in tight black vinyl and fangs?A- Hell, they didn't even use her in this last one that just went to DVD last week. Not right without her.

Any more questions? No...good, I'll be over in the corner swilling cheap wine and scarfing pop-tarts.

Disclaimer: No science was harmed in the answering of these questions.

A. I've got really, bad news for you. It's not just California, it's all of the Northeast all the way down to DC. But the answer is: "stupidity, inconsideration, inattention and bloody-mindedness". I keep telling you, when I retire and don't give a shit anymore, this dipshittery is going to stop. I'm buying a fucking dump truck with a snowplow blade and by God, people are going to MOVE over to that right lane.

What kind of evil thing was Dick Cheney doing as a young lad that his face got stuck in that position?

How come there's never been a Grand Unification Conference between bakers and hot dog makers to decide How Many Of Each Should Be In A Package?

Why does the fastest form of commercial transportation, air travel, depend on the speed in which human beings can shuffle along a sticky, diseased floor at the LAX screening lines?

Speaking of sticky floors, what exactly IS the chemical composition of the material on the carpets of a twenty-year-old movie theatre?

Why hasn't the world discovered that plastic surgeons are wrong and ugly isn't a surface phenomenon?

How do they shrink people to fit into a television set? I do NOT believe the crap that Willy Wonka was trying to sell me -- I am NOT naive.

Why in the world would someone develop a crappy system whereby if someone tries to Chat at me in Facebook, the Facebook Chat window which isn't visible until I go back to the Facebook tab, won't let me type in my important comment to Stonekettle Station? Who would program a cursor hijacking system?

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Jim Wright is a retired US Navy Chief Warrant Officer and freelance writer. He lived longer in Alaska than anywhere else and misses it terribly. He recently moved to the fetid Panhandle of Florida and lives now in an ancient Cold War bunker of a house surrounded by alligators and rednecks. He's been called the Tool of Satan, but he prefers to think of himself as the Devil's Designated Driver. He is the mind behind Stonekettle Station. You can email him at jim@stonekettle.com. You can follow him on Twitter @stonekettle, or you can join the boisterous bunch he hosts on Facebook at Facebook/Stonekettle. Remember to bring brownies and mind the white cat, he bites. Hard.

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