Kerry Relieved At Presidential Loss

Former Presidential candidate John Kerry made what he called his "concession victory" speech Wednesday after deciding that the election had clearly been won by incumbent George W. Bush.

Kerry's speech somewhat strayed from traditional concession speeches in that he seemed extraordinarily pleased at the fact that he had lost the contest.

"Thank you, thank you," Kerry said to the applause of the crowd gathered to listen. "Let me start off by saying this: thank fucking Christ I am not the President. Man, that would've sucked."

Seeing the confused looks in the crowd, Kerry hastened on to try and explain the reasoning behind his unusual optimism.

"Oh, come on -- like anyone actually wants to be President," he snorted. "Especially nowadays. You mean they'd actually pay me money -- probably less money than I could grab in a good year as a lawyer, by the way -- to be constantly assaulted and condemned by half the country no matter what my actions are? Golly gee, where do I sign up?"

When asked by a reporter whether or not he thought that the sheer honor of leading the most powerful nation in the world at least partially overcame the difficulties of the job, Kerry explained, "Shut up."

"Fucking shut up," Kerry shouted, shooting an arm out and squirting Heinz ketchup from an unseen tube into the reporter's eye, causing him to cry out in slight pain from the vague stinging sensation. "Leading a gold boat down a river sounds pretty good, too, but it's no fun if you have to have leeches on your ass the whole way down. Think about that, you fucking shit!"

Kerry then announced his plans for the rest of his career, which involved "sitting down a lot" and "not being the President".

"The hardest decision I anticipate having to make in my post-politics life is which way to lean when I have to fart," he explained. "And I'll tell you this, ladies and gentlemen: I don't give a rat's ass whether it's the right or the left."

The would-be President said he also plans to spend much of his time "pointing and laughing" at the television every time President Bush appears on it.

"'What a loser,' I'll say!" Kerry exclaimed. "He's President of the freaking United States! Could you be any more lamer?"

He then remembered he was no longer campaigning and did not have to dumb his speech down, and corrected himself by saying, "Couldst thou be any more sarquantistical?"

President Bush said he is not bothered by Kerry's comments, and that being President is a "wonderful job".

"You get to do all kinds of fun stuff," Bush said. "Like...getting up early! Woo! And don't even get me started on having to learn how the hell to pronounce the names of nine million different foreign officials who are all important to me somehow."

But for Kerry, the life of a normal, non-Presidential citizen is just fine.

"Now that the election is finally over and done with, I can answer all of those assholes who called me a weak candidate once and for all," Kerry said. "And my answer to them is: of course I was weak! I wasn't trying! Christ, do you think anyone who was actually halfway trying could've lost to a man who lost more jobs than any President since Hoover?"