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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The usual

I can't believe January is almost over. I say this every year yet time keeps marching on. In June, Matt and I will have been married for one year. In July I will turn 25. In September, Matt and I will have shared our lives for 4 years. In November, my best friend's little boy that she waited so long for will turn 1. And in December I will once again wonder where the time has gone. Matt and I continue to work and try to make decisions about our uncertain future. Our lease is up in March and so is my contract with the company I currently work for. Do we stay or do we go? Is it time to move out of this apartment that so often drives me nuts? (Needless to say after growing up on a dirt road where the closest neighbor is 1/4 mile away and surrounded by corn fields, I am not cut out to have neighbors within a few feet) Or do we stay and enjoy our love nest another year? The problem is at this point we can afford the rent we pay but will we be able to next month? The questions that life always seems to be full of. I have started applying for a new job and getting the feelers out but have yet to have any feedback. I dread ending up that person I was toward the end of my job search last time. I was full of anxiety and stressed out beyond belief. Matt continues to work as a temp and go to school part time. He is burnt out. On top of job and life craziness, we continue to feel our conversation steer toward babies and family. We are both in a place where we feel this is the next step but a more permanent job for one of us would really help me feel more comfortable making the decision to bring a life into this world. We haven't started trying officially but my birth control is 80% effective and we hardly ever use a condom, a few years ago that would have never been an option, I would have been anal about it. I know that things will work out no matter what happens. I don't live in a world of sunshine and rainbows but I live knowing there is a God who will always provide for us. The other thing holding me back is my weight and being out of shape. I want my children to have a good role model, which I believe I can be no matter how much I weigh but I would love to have more energy to chase the little ones around. I always say I need my baby fix, but lately just holding babies isn't enough, I want more. I want to hold a baby I carried inside of me for 9 months, to wake up at all hours of the night to feed him/her, to rock him/her to sleep, to see Matt hold our precious child in his arms. That is what I want most to give my husband something he has longed for and had taken away from him so many times. That pure joy that I saw on my best friend's and her husband's faces the day after they had their son.Three nights I week I spend 3-4 hours alone, contemplating life and trying to figure out ways to not think about the future because once again I am scared. I try so hard not be, to believe in myself and the future but I always slip on those three nights. When Matt isn't here to tell me it will be ok. I know in my heart that everything will work itself out. That God has every part of my life planned and knows where I need to be even if sometimes I don't.

“The will of God concerns the present moment more than the future; it deals with our motives as well as our actions; it focuses on the little decisions we make every day even more than the big decisions we make about the future. The only time we really have both to know and to do God’s will is the present moment. We are to love God with heart, soul, mind and strength, and we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.” Jerry Sittser