Thursday, 2 June 2011

Britain's Got (Fixed) Talent

You might have seen THIS LINK on Twitter today about Ronan Parkes being a fix winner of this year’s Britain’s Got Talent, but I am here to tell you that things are not quite as they seem. You see you may not know this but I work for SYCO which makes Britain’s Got Talent and I have the REAL inside story on what is happening. You see I am Simon Cowell’s hairdresser – I maintain his fine locks by quickly setting his hair on fire and then putting it back out with a wet Tea Towel before any major damage is done – thus giving him his stubby burnt paintbrush look.

Anyways back to the real story. Ronan Parkes is just a decoy so that people think he is an obvious winner. The truth is that Cowell has somebody much more talented in mind for the coveted winners spot. That person is of course Jean Martyn

The production team first came across Jean in 2008 when she was a small black man called Trevor. Trevor was at the birthday party of Timmy Mallet, and had a novelty act of some repute. The producers were so impressed that they signed him up to a lifetime contract with SYCO right away and invited Trevor to come to the 2009 auditions, when, unlike other contestants, they got Louis Walsh to pay him on the bus.

The time came for Trevor to perform his act as a Chinchilla juggling rapper. However, he was very nervous and accidently stood on one of the chinchillas before the audition, so Cowell, seeing the potential, took Trevor backstage and allowed him to perform privately in his dressing room, with his mother there to support him. Cowell could see the potential but thought that chinchilla juggling rappers were ten a penny and wanted something different for what he saw as a potential future megastar who could break the notoriously difficult over 50’s market.

He immediately set a team to work to change Trevor into the star he knew he could be. Unbeknownst to even his own mother, the team changed Trevor into a white middle aged woman called Jean Martyn. As 2010 rolled along they encouraged Jean to work on a new act that would wow the audience and so in Cardiff in 2010 the Judges and audience were to see the new Jean for the first time. Jean was incredibly nervous doing her new act, which was Pole Dancing whilst singing Yellow Submarine, and as a result she performed her fanny whirler finale too early causing the pole to buckle and send her crashing to the floor.

This was a disaster so Cowell once again stepped in. The audition was wiped from the records and he sent a new team in to work with Jean before the menopause hit, which would put her career on hold. He told the team that they had to have Jean ready for 2011 or else! A team of piano teachers, elocution teachers, and sparkly jacket makers were set to work to make Jean ready for 2011.

Then, the most disgusting part for me, somebody in a production meeting suggested that rather than hide Jean’s naturally bubbly personality they should highlight the more “mental” aspects of it. After all there had never been a mental middle-aged woman on TV before and the company could make millions from it! Jean was restyled completely from top to bottom. She was encouraged to giggle like a donkey given ecstasy. She was told to wear sparkly Joan Collins style jackets, wink indiscriminately and give the occasional thumbs up to anyone in her eyeline.

She was prepared and at the 2011 auditions Jean was unveiled, as the Les Dawson stylee, piano bashing gurning simpleton that Cowell knew the British public would fall in love with. The judges were ordered to give a standing ovation, and David Hasslehoff was even ordered to have his penis poking out of his zip in a “love salute” to Jean!

Then the SYCO publicity machine went into overdrive and immediately a Facebook fanpage, and even an Xtube page was set up for Jean, all managed directly by SYCO in case Jean put anything they didn’t want on the page. This was not done for any other act apart from Ronan Parkes (The decoy). Again Jean was given special treatment; she was given a £20 Argos gift voucher and a 20% discount card at Spud-U-Like. This is terrible as at some point Jean will have to pay all this back out her winnings. She doesn’t know as she sits there every day gorging herself on Tuna & Sweetcorn Jacket potato at reduced price that she is getting herself deeper and deeper into debt with SYCO!

And this Saturday when the final happens and Jean inevitably wins it she doesn’t realise what the future will hold. She will be expected to perform at Bingo Halls up and down the country, and if she is tired it won’t matter. Some lowlife will be there to pop another Sanatogen in her Ovaltine and let her freebase some cod liver oil to inject between her toes.

It is a slippery slope and all because she wanted to appear on TV. Once she hits that menopause in a couple of years time she will be discarded and left to fend for herself. Will she make a comeback? Probably not, though maybe she can appear on Celebrity Coach Trip. Who knows?

Thank you for letting me get this message out there. It needed to be done!