The event was organized to help the media determine whether Spears is an emotionally derailed train, hurtling toward complete oblivion, or merely an ignorant slut. Held on the cinderblock-propped front porch of Spears' Malibu estate (next door to the Mel Gibson compound), the press conference was intended as a vehicle for Spears to "tell mah own side of the story, y'all."

Dressed in a black lycra tube-top, a bright green thong, and flip-flops, Spears apologized briefly to the gathered press for the fact that her hair-weave was in curlers, and plunged headfirst into the Q&A session. The transcript follows:

PRESS: Britney, does your recent excessive partying have anything to do with the K-Fed breakup? Are you trying to drown the pain?

SPEARS: Aw, hell no. I been partyin' like this for years, y'all. Why do you think Sean Preston and little Jayden James were born with such enormous heads and li'l ole bodies?

You might think that's irresponsible, but people have no right to impose Basic Values on Hollywood Values. Besides, my publicist said if I was to squeeze out a coupla real mongoloid babies, I'd look like a philanthropod...er...philanthrosaur...er...philanth...damn it! One them do-goody types! You know, one them sweet folks what takes care of dummy children and all, even when you got every right to abort the little monsters or throw 'em in the pool when no one's lookin'.

So, my chil'ren are both a blessin' and one helluva calculated business move. As for Kevin, the divorce was also strictly business. It was nuthin' personal. I just read somewhere--where was it, Mama? STAR Magazine?--that his album bombed, he looked like a loser, and that I'd be one smart cookie to give him his walkin' papers. Besides, he'd already done the only decent work he'll ever do, which was knockin'-up America's Princess. Which is me. But y'all know that already.

PRESS: The problem, Ms. Spears, is that your image as 'America's Princess' was sort of "iffy" to begin with. Even in your heyday, many people were never convinced that you possessed actual talent, and now many regard you as something of a loose woman.

SPEARS: What? I said, WHAT?!? I'm gonna jump off this Mal'boo porch and chew your face off quicker'n one them pit bulls what used to chase the rats in our front yard back in Loozy-Anna! Loose woman? Look, mister reporter, you see this scar here on my belly? You know what that is? That is a C-Section scar! Uh-huh. You know what that means? That means that I scheduled to have those two little hump-trophies ripped from my gut as soon as they could possibly survive in an incubator.

You know why I did that? I did that so's my taco would not GIT too loose! Or, at least, any looser'n it already is, due to Kevin and that unfortunate lack o' judgment what I demonstrated with my five cousins when I was thirteen. I still gotta make a livin' and there ain't no way I'm gonna ruin one of my chief assets. Poor thang's already tired as it is. Looks like I got a pair of mudflaps goin' on down there, y'all! Show a girl some sympathy. I need me some of them HoTox injections, or a rubber band, or somethin'.

And how DARE yew question mah talent!?! I'll have you know that 8 year-old girls across this whole wide whirl bought my four critically unclaimed albums! I was a pole model and a role dancer! Or was that a role model and a pole dancer? Anyhow, I was also a actress. That's talent! You take a look at that bow-legged Christina Aggy-lera. You ever see her in a movie, like I was? Huh? No, you haven't. And you know why? Cause she's a hunchback.

You heard me right. She got this big, nasty hump that oozes some kinda awful smellin' shit 24/7...an' it takes sixteen make-up men and special effects dudes from that Star Wars Ranch to cover it up when she's in public. I seen it cuz I am, as y'all know, a celebrity, and I git to go to awards shows and stuff. You know, backstage.

PRESS: Wow, we in the press had no idea about Ms. Aguilera's deformity, Britney. That's a real scoop.

SPEARS: You goddamn right it's a scoop! Speakin' of which, you'd need a scoop the size of a snowshovel to pry that hump off Aggy-lera's back. God, I hate that bitch. Mama, pass me that bag of Cheetohs. I need some salt in my system. Bring me some sweet tea, too. And put a lot more Jim Beam in it than you did last time, or I'm gonna send you back to Baton Rouge and hire somebody named 'Rosario' to replace your sorry ass! Jesus...MOTHERS!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Talent. I got it. Case closed. Just because Hunchback Aggy-lera and that rhino-butt Mariah Carey can imitate black people singin' don't mean they're better'n me. Besides, when they process my voice through one them ProTools Pitch-Range-Timbre-Tone-Talent Transformation Machines, I sound real purty!

PRESS: Britney, a lot has been made in the press about your recent "alliance" with Paris Hilton. People are questioning the timing of this friendship and wonder whether your carousing with this noted strumpet is hurting your image...especially with a potential custody battle looming.

SPEARS: Hell, y'all got it wrong again! It was Paris who came beggin' at my door like the mangy whippet-dog she is. She's payin' ME for the photo-ops! Just to let you in on a li'l secret, that family ain't got no money to speak of. Those hotels have been losin' dough quicker'n Oprah Winfrey if she was forced to run, non-stop, in a humongous hamster-wheel for a week without food! Real estate's down the toilet, so the Hiltons ain't makin' any headlines there, either. Practically broke, Paris tells me. That's why they been pimpin' her out the last few years.

But it's even harder times now, so the bitch paid me her last million so she could have herself a nice li'l sprinkle of my Britney stardust. As for the custody thing, I don't care where them screaming little shit-factories end up. Let Kevin have 'em. At least he'll be able to apply for government assistance, due to both babies being certified dummies. I ain't gonna give him a red cent. Like you been hearin', my pre-nup is as iron-clad as my pu--...um...I mean as iron-clad as that security gate over yonder.

PRESS: But what about the infamous tabloid photos which capture you, on more than one occasion, without panties. Many Americans are outraged and believe that you deliberately "flashed" the paparazzi.

SPEARS: (Sigh). Well, let me just be frank with y'all. When I was a little girl, my momma tole me a very special poem that was tole to her by her momma, who is my Mee-Maw. That li'l poem was meant to be remembered in hard times, and I have never forgotten it. It goes like this:

When life is full o' darkness/ And folks have got you down/ When nothin's in the trailer fridge/ And no one's comin' round/Just hike your skirt to heaven, girl/No hen should hide her eggs/And give the world a purty look at what's between your legs.

Cuz if you flash your pocketbook/The clouds will disappear/And if they're takin' photographs/Be sure to wipe your rear!/So heed this good advice, my girl/And take your mama's word/Flash that cooch and watch your fortunes/ Soar...just like a BIRD!

My mama says this poem has been in my family for generations, and it has worked for centuries. I'm not about to mess with tradition, y'all.

PRESS: That was very revealing, Ms. Spears. As a final question, may we ask what, exactly, you are planning for your "comeback?"

SPEARS: Hell, y'all! Haven't y'all been listenin'? The comeback is already in motion. Why do you think I just recessitated that very special poem for y'all? I'd love to go into more detail, but right now I gotta pinch a serious loaf. I'll prolly work on some song lyrics while I'm at it. All my producers have said that I come up with my best stuff when I'm sittin' on the can. I think that says a lot, don't y'all?

Thanks for comin' out today and lettin' me clarify a few things. Merry Christmas and Happy Kabbalah to my many Jewish fans. Outta my way, Mama! I'm gonna have to run to make this...Lord, I hope that toilet seat is UP!

PRESS (In Unison): Thank you, Ms. Spears!

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