[behind Trump, another figure staggers out of the jungle, doubled over from carrying both of their backpacks]

JOHN PIPER: [gasping for breath] Okay, Donald, I can see the village in the distance.

DONALD TRUMP: [smirks, squints] Those huts? Oh geez. This should be easy. Piece of cake.

JOHN PIPER: [turns around, motions to open ground] We’ll start by building a linguistics center right here. Then, once their language can be deciphered, we’ll build the Fuller Amazon Seminary right over here–

DONALD TRUMP: Whoa, whoa. How about TRUMP Amazon Seminary?

JOHN PIPER: Fine, fine, whatever. Once we have the linguistics center and the seminary we’ll be able to train locally-sourced ambassadors to carefully broach dialogue with the natives–

DONALD TRUMP: Natives? I see some right there. Let’s evangelize ’em. [whistles through teeth] Hey! You’d come get some salvation if you knew what was good for ya!

[natives walk over]

DONALD TRUMP: [to village woman] Okay. Wow. Chiquita, you’re going to have to get a bra. I appreciate what you’re going for, there, but listen: it’s not working. I mean God’s not gonna support you if you don’t support yourself, okay?

JOHN PIPER: [sweating nervously] Donald, perhaps…

DONALD TRUMP: [to village man] And you, Paco…let me tell you something, my friend: you walk up to me looking for a job, I say forget it. I really do. I mean you’re not dressed for success, hell, you’re not even undressed for success.

JOHN PIPER: DONALD YOU ARE DOING THIS ALL WRONG AND ALSO I AM SORRY FOR RAISING MY VOICE

[natives wander off]

DONALD TRUMP: John, let me tell you something: you’re a dear, dear friend of mine and a beautiful man, but you don’t know a thing about evangelism, okay? You just don’t.

[taps on phone, places order for bras and dress shirts]

We’re gonna make the Great Commission great again, my friend.

[orders building materials for the Trump Amazon Seminary]

We’ve had too many, dare I say… [pretends to contemplate for a moment] …I do! I dare! LOSERS. We’ve had too many losers in the mission field. Martyred? I mean what is that even about? Last time I checked, you can’t preach Gospels when you’re dead, mmkay?

JOHN PIPER: I don’t even know how to respond to that. I’m going to go after those two villagers and see if I can repair the damage–

[a figure appears, blocking the path]

RICHARD DAWKINS: THERE IS NO GOD

DONALD TRUMP: Then who made me so awesome?

JOHN PIPER: Dawkins! At last we meet on the battlefield of souls!

RICHARD DAWKINS: I’m afraid your quest to evangelize these natives is all for naught, Christian fools! I have stationed a veritable phalanx of unbelievers around their village!

DONALD TRUMP: [calmly searches contact list on phone]

JOHN PIPER: [pacing, wringing hands] What a theological conundrum! An exegetical impasse! A missiological quagmire! How do we reconcile the Great Commission with non-aggressio–

RICHARD DAWKINS: RETREAT TO THE BURGER KING ON 5th! THIS IS NOT OVER, THEISTS!

[the unbelievers flee in terror]

TIM TEBOW: [not out of breath at all] I got your text, Mr. Trump.

JOHN PIPER: But how…

DONALD TRUMP: [climbs onto Tebow’s back] Piper, go evangelize this village. Go dunk them in water or give them their crackers or whatever it is. Teach them those hand signals that the Catholics use, you know, the…[flails arms in front of chest] Always loved those. Very classy.

JOHN PIPER: But what…

DONALD TRUMP: Me and Timmy are going to the Westminster Dog Show. Why? I’ll tell you why: we’re going to evangelize the dogs. It’ll be great; Satan will never expect it. And I know, I know, some of you [finger quotes] EXPERTS say that animals don’t have souls, but you know what? I saw All Dogs Go To Heaven, so to me the theology is clear. Case closed.