We
became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency
relationships, and more fantasy.We got
it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it
away.We were addicted to the intrigue,
the tease, the forbidden.The only way
we knew to be free of it was to do it."Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with
outstretched arms.Lusting after the Big
Fix, we gave away our power to others.This produced guilt,
self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away
from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.Our habit made true
intimacy impossible.We could never know
real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal.We went for the "chemistry," the
connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true
union.Fantasy corrupted the real; lust
killed love.First addicts, then love
cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves.Conning ourselves time and again that the
next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.
204THE SOLUTION We saw that our
problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual.Healing had to come about in all three.The crucial change in
attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us
whipped.We came to meetings and
withdrew from our habit.For some, this
meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into
relationships.For others it also meant
"drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover
from lust.We discovered that we
could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed
optional.There was hope for freedom,
and we began to feel alive.Encouraged to
continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex
and self and turned to God and others.All this was scary.We couldn't see the path ahead, except that
others had gone that way before.Each
new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took
it.And instead of killing us, surrender
was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way
of life.The fellowship gave us
monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we
could finally face ourselves.Instead of
covering our feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our
spiritual emptiness and hunger.And the
healing began.
205As we faced our defects,
we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over
us.We began to be more comfortable with
ourselves and others for the first time without our "drug."Forgiving all who had
injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our own wrongs.At each amends more of the dreadful load of
guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world
in the eye, and stand free.We began practicing a
positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with
others.We were learning how to give;
and the measure we gave was the measure we got back.We were finding what none of the substitutes
had ever supplied.We were making the
real Connection.We were home.
206FROM CHAPTER FIVE OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSRarely have we seen a
person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.Those who do not recover are people who
cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually
men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with
themselves.There are such unfortunates.They are not at fault; they seem to have been
born that way.They are naturally
incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous
honesty.Their chances are less than
average.There are those, too, who
suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover
if they have the capacity to be honest.Our stories disclose in a
general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like
now.If you have decided you want what
we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to
take certain steps.At some of these we
balked.We thought we could find an
easier, softer way.But we could
not.With all the earnestness at our
command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.Some of us have tried to hold on to our old
ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.Remember that we deal with
lust — cunning, baffling, and powerful! Without help it is too much for
us.But there is One who has all power —
that one is God.May you find Him now.Half measures availed us
nothing.We stood at the turning
point.We asked His protection and care
with complete abandon.Here are the steps
we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:1. We admitted that we were powerless over
lust — that our lives had become unmanageable.(Reprinted for
adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.)2072.Came
to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.3.Made
a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.4.Made
a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.6.Were
entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.8.Made
a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them
all.9.Made
direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would
injure them or others.10.Continued to take personal inventory and when
we were wrong promptly admitted it.11.Sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for
knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics and to
practice these principles in all our affairs.Many of us exclaimed,
"What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be
discouraged.No one among us has been
able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.We are not saints.The point is, that we are willing to grow
along spiritual lines.The principles we
have set down are guides to progress.We
claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.Our personal adventures before and after make
clear three pertinent ideas: (a) That we were
sexaholics and could not manage our own lives.(b) That probably no human
power could have relieved our sexaholism.(c) That God could and
would if He were sought.
208THE TWELVE STEPS OF SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS1.We admitted that we were powerless over lust
— that our lives had become unmanageable.2.Came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity.3.Made a decision to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another
human being the exact nature of our wrongs.6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all
these defects of character.7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and
became willing to make amends to them all.9.Made direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.10.Continued to take personal inventory and when
we were wrong promptly admitted it.11.Sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for
knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics, and to
practice these principles in all our affairs.(Reprinted for
adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.)209THE TWELVE TRADITIONS OF SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS1.Our common welfare should come first;
personal recovery depends on SA unity.2.For our group purpose there is but one
ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group
conscience.Our leaders are but trusted
servants; they do not govern.3.The only requirement for membership is a
desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.4.Each group should be autonomous except in
matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.5.Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry
its message to the sexaholic who still suffers.6.An SA group ought never endorse, finance, or
lend the SA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems
of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.7.Every SA group ought to be fully
self-supporting, declining outside contributions.8.Sexaholics Anonymous should remain forever
nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.9.SA, as such, ought never be organized; but we
may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they
serve.10.Sexaholics Anonymous has no opinion on
outside issues; hence the SA name ought never be drawn into public
controversy.11.Our public relations policy is based on attraction
rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level
of press, radio, films, and TV.12.Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all
our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before
personalities.(Reprinted for adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World
Services, Inc.)210A VISION FOR YOUWe realize we know only a
little.God will constantly disclose
more to you and to us.Ask Him in your
morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick.The answers will come, if your own house is
in order.But obviously you cannot
transmit something you haven't got.See
to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to
pass for you and countless others.This
is the Great Fact for us.Abandon yourself to God as
you understand God.Admit your faults to
Him and to your fellows.Clear away the
wreckage of your past.Give freely of
what you find and join us.We shall be
with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us
as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.May God bless you and keep you — until
then.(Alcoholics Anonymous, p.164)

THE SERENITY PRAYERGod grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and
wisdom to know the difference.
211APPENDIX 3
Where to Go For More Information Making Contact with Groups in Your Area1.Try your local area telephone directory or
information operator or ask for directory information in a large neighboring
city.An increasing number of SA groups
are placing listings in local or area telephone directories.2.Call or write the Sexaholics Anonymous
Central Office, which handles our world services.This is our most complete service with the
most up-to-date listing of groups and contacts.The address and telephone are listed below:Sexaholics AnonymousP.O.Box 111910Nashville,
TN 37222-1910Telephone (615) 331-62303.All new and existing SA groups are urged to list themselves with the SA
Central Office so inquirers in their areas may be referred to contacts.Call or write the
212 Central Office and provide
names and phone numbers of one or more contacts for your group.This also makes it possible for the Central Office
to send news of matters affecting SA as a whole, which should be made available
to all members.
Literature This book, Sexaholics
Anonymous, and other items such as the SA brochure, Recovery Continues,
Discovering the Principles, and the Essay newsletter are available at local SA
groups or can be ordered directly from the SA Central Office, listed
above.Contact the Central Office for a
current literature and price list.AA
literature can be obtained from any local AA office or group or from the AA
General Service Office, Box 459,
Grand Central Station, NY, NY10163.
SA Newsletter The Sexaholics Anonymous
newsletter, Essay, is issued periodically.Members are urged to call or write the Central Office, above, and ask to
be placed on the mailing list.The Essay
has a Calendar of Events section, describing the various conventions,
marathons, retreats, and other regional, national, or international SA
functions that take place throughout the year.Sections on Group and Member News provide excerpts from letters around
the world on group and member experiences.The Essay also contains Central Office news and financial reports and
news of matters affecting the whole fellowship, with articles on various
subjects and personal experiences reflecting what is happening in SA.Essay has proven to be an important channel
of recovery and link for union of our fellowship at the broader levels —
something that has become rewarding to a great many of us.