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I am Pornacus.

* Brilliant title, unashamedly stolen from HERE. Along with a gem of an idea to throw a spanner in the works of the latest Nanny initiative.

The latest ejaculation from our freedom loving government has already been beaten to death, blindness, and other terrible fates on many a blog. This is the first time I have seen a concrete suggestion as to what we can do about the plan to censor internet service to those households containing children.

In answer to the frequent claims of ‘how will they know’ – what do you think the ‘ContactPoint, £224 million pound database that lists all 11 million children in the UK was all about then? You think it doesn’t include their address? I have seen suggestions from the incoming government that it has been scrapped, but can find no evidence that all the databases from which it collated information have been!

Anyway, back to the lumpen suggestion firmly in hand by our limp wristed government.

So, the government have to decide which web sites they allow into the households containing those 11 million children? Content filter of course, same as safe search on Google images. Google don’t actually look at each image – they set some aside on the basis of a surfeit of skin tone – something along the lines of #FFE5B4 would have them reaching for their smelling salts – and then pass the url to the priapic pervert in the back room whose job it is to peer intensely at each candidate until his little finger drops off.

url names such as Asian Babes will be off line, as well as the health site which displayed the article illustrating this post. Anyone who complains about the disappearance of Asian Babes will be blocked for naming them, along with the many literary examples of pornography, presumably filtered out by words such as fu*k – that would have been the death of Grumpy Old Twat had he not already leaped over Blogger’s Head, hand in hand with his keyboard.

You will be able to avoid this boring fate of course – providing you are prepared to phone up an anonymous government apparatchik and explain to him that you are a pervert, who wishes to access porn EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE,

There will no doubt be a specially printed 240 page booklet explaining that you will need the signature of 45 of your neighbours under the new community powers, your priest will have to sign a photograph of you on the back as a perfect likeness expressly for the purposes of accessing porn in a household containing children, and you will have to drive to Newport to join a straggling line of deprived wankers to collect your European Pornpass document that entitles you to 17 ½ minutes of grade three porn on your Mother-in-Laws computer every Sunday morning.

The drawback of course, is that every time someone looks sideways at an eleven year old who just kicked a football through their goldfish bowl, 74 armed policemen will raid your home in full riot gear, because you will be on the ContactPerv database…and showing up on Plod’s iPlod complete with app showing nearest available iPerv…….

I am Pornacus’ suggestion is that we each display a picture that will contravene the government regulations – the freedom of expression issues will be interesting, but as he says, ‘not that the government will give a shit’.

What will happen is that the entire Internet will eventually be blocked – and maybe, just maybe, the sofa based population, deprived of the pubs, forced to smoke outside, deprived of Anna Raccoon, Health monthly, ‘Five-a-Day’ – which the government has belatedly discovered has nothing to do with their pet vegetables; and Strictly-Come-Dancing (far too much flesh to pass the filters, and ‘come’ – Heavens- to-Betsy, smelling salts Sir Humphrey) will finally rise up and take an interest in the process by which we put these imbeciles in charge of our lives.

Good grief, I though Call Me Dave had promised to beat off Nanny State and drive her to suicide.

Well readers, when I comed to your “I am Pornacus” moment don’t be intimindated. Remember, they can’t put us all in prison.

robbietheredDecember 21, 2010 at 09:43

I’d like to be the first person commenting on this to say FUCK.

Frank Zappa had an admirable philosophy. He could swear, his kids could swear, anyone could. Words are exactly that, just words. Saying “a naughty word” and doing something harmful are completely different. I learned to swear at age three, from people now grown and rather powerful in their own ways, but would never harm a child, nor mug a granny, nor even pick on somebody for no reason. I am proud to say I know these people.

I was also a supporter of the 1980s-1990s-to date pro-sex feminists.

I think that should suffice to elucidate my position.

robbietheredDecember 21, 2010 at 10:24

Yes, I really do mean age three! I hung out with a more big and adult boy who was worldly-wise the son of a member of the city’s football team. (My friend was age five! Like my cousin. They made friends and they both swore!)

Please don’t mention his litle bobble-hat, being all I could see, going in and out of the “posh” back porch doors though, it still has me in hysterics nearly forty years later!

JohnRSDecember 20, 2010 at 21:40

Surely the answer is for everyone in the blogosphere to regularly publish the URLs of suppliers of VPNs along with easy-to-use instructions of how to use such a thing. Also instructions about encrypting all our emails could be widely distributed.

The very last thing the security services want is for us to encrypt all our communications and content access. I’m sure they could decrypt some of it – but at great cost and significant delay – and they really do not want to have to do this. Not knowing if the bit stream in/out of my house contains porn, lolcats or terrorism material would be their worst nightmare.

So lets counter DemTories interference with our lives with something that will make theirs harder, much harder.

ukFredDecember 23, 2010 at 22:02

I seem to recollect having seen elsewhere on this interweb thingy a report about a lad who had a secure password (? 50 characters) on his laptop who became a resident of one of her majesty’s hotels for failing to give the aforementioned password to Plod. Under the anti-terrorist legislation of course.

Dave HDecember 20, 2010 at 19:34

I missed the bit where they were going to just target homes with children. I bet many children got their first ideas about what sex is about from some dodgy pictures and possibly a story – assuming they didn’t just get a good (or bad) description of the process from one of their mates.

Of course, it is fairly easy, ContactPoint might have gone, but a footnote in some convenient Bill making its way through Parliament would allow them to use the Child Benefit database, at least until that gets screwed about by the entitlement changes going through.

Joe PublicDecember 20, 2010 at 19:25

The answer is to demand your MP answers either “yes” or “no” to the questions:

1. Have you ever visited a pornographic website?

2. Will you allow the hard drives of every computer in your 1st & 2nd homes to be forensically examined for evidence of a visit to a pornographic website?

So what’s the next step for Nanny? Children should perhaps be “protected” from sites that advocate FOOD, to prevent childhood obesity. And obviously, DRINK too, to win the war against alcoholism. OMG it’s going to be sooooo good in the future, when our beloved government protects us by spreading its all-embracing arms around us. And lists us on its “perverts only” database.

At this rate, our present generation will be more sexually prim and proper than the Victorians were rumoured to be (but really weren’t.)

Excellent piece, Anna. Unfortunately, until such time as HMG ban facebook and ‘stenders the uprising will continue to suffer with ignorant apathy.

I’m hoping the pic I featured would be enough to class myself as Pornacus too.

PericlesDecember 20, 2010 at 18:13

“… the latest Nanny initiative.”

Um … the spelling is correct, I suppose ?

~ · ~

On the perhaps related subject — touched on earlier by Engineer — the proposed ban on the dissemination (no pun intended) of porn save to those that ‘opt in’ is aimed not at protecting children from the supposed evils of porn but at establishing the precedent of censorship.

That achieved, the Socialists — and you must by now know that I thereby allude to every government of the modern World, however it describes itself — will be in a position to prevent Internet users from reading, for example, the truth about ‘anthropogenic global warming’ and the ‘terrorist threat’.

Stay alert !

ΠΞ

MCC MemberDecember 20, 2010 at 17:50

The chap in your snapshot is a cad and a bounder. As far as I know he is not an MCC member so what does he think he is doing wearing the colours – his head band matches the band on the panama I wear when visiting Lords to watch the cricket.

He most certainly wouldn’t be allowed into the Pavillion dressed like that.

My God, I’ve just had a terrible thought. About ten years ago members voted to allow the election of women to the MCC………oh my God. I knew it would end in tears.

EngineerDecember 20, 2010 at 15:50

Has anybody ever (seriously) demonstrated a link between porn and increased crime? (OK – I accept that some of the porn industry is a bit too dodgy, but so is some of the second-hand car industry).

People have sex. Some of them actually enjoy it. Provided the activity is consensual, what’s the problem? The general rule of ‘not in front of the children and don’t frighten the horses’ is plenty good enough, and ‘parental control settings’ have been around since the interweb thingy was born.

If there’s a market for ssomething, someone will provide, whether it’s legal or not. The best way to control porn is an open-minded attitude to sexuality perhaps with decent sexual and moral education. We haven’t really got there, yet, have we?

MattDecember 20, 2010 at 14:03

(or never in the New World Order)

MattDecember 20, 2010 at 13:56

(a site which you will visit once only or a lot)

MattDecember 20, 2010 at 13:52

It has to be said that men with goatee beards are constant reminders of .. well .. take the advice of Obo and visit “guess her muff”.