Friday, December 15, 2006

X-girlfriend

Another game!

I was recently listening to "This American Life" on NPR. (OK yes, I am one of those public radio supporters - I even Pledge!)

At any rate, the story involved the stories we tell about ourselves to others - How we chose these stories - what they reveal about us. How in the best stories one tends to be either the hero, or the fool - and often both things at once.

Of course, I started to think about the stories I have told in which I am both hero and fool. My mind went to one story immediately.

The story about my turn as the "crazy girlfriend".

Yes, I was one of those. Once. At one point in my life, with one specific guy - I became the crazy girlfriend. Come on - you all know what I am talking about. The girlfriend that other people see and think "Damn - she's crazy".

It was my sophomore year in college. He lived on the 2nd floor, I lived on the 4th. He was a senior. We became involved. I believe he lived to torture me. Of course, being the assertive young woman I was, I had some things to say about that - and some very verbal, loud arguments ensued. During one particularly heated disagreement, he locked me out of his room. I was INFURIATED. This is when I made the plan which turned me from "Annoyed girlfriend" to "Crazy Girlfriend". How dare he lock me out. I was going to show him. I was getting in there.

Since the door was locked...I naturally thought the window was a good idea.

So what that his room was on the 2nd floor! So what that his room was on the front of the building - which sat on top of a hill ( so everyone for a good square mile could see me)! This was principle, dammit.

I carried my friends loft ladder down the stairs from the 4th floor. I brought a milk crate - Cause I didn't think it would reach the 2nd floor without a boost. I climbed said ladder. I could j-u-s-t reach the window - which I managed to get somewhat open.

We now move into "Fiasco".

The ladder fell. I was hanging on to the edge of the window ledge from the 2nd story - in front of the entire campus. I couldn't pull myself Up, cause the window wasn't open enough.

I was yelling for the guy in question to help me ( which he never did - On one hand I think "What an asshole" - on the other, I may have left crazy me out there too!)I hung on as long as I could.....and then fell. Hard. Hit the milk crate. Hurt the hell out of my ankle. Had to lay in the shrubbery for a while before I could get up...and climb up the 4 flights of stairs to my room. Of course, I needed to stop at the 2nd floor to yell at his door.

Honestly, it was the only relationship in which I became the crazy girlfriend. He and I were not a good combination, as if this wasn't clear. That may have been the last time we spoke to one another, which was clearly for the best.

So - Give me your crazy girlfriend stories. Not the justifications for WHY you became the crazy girlfriend. I could write a whole book about what drove me Nuts about this guy, but that isn't the point. The point was when I jumped the shark from annoyed to crazy.

29 comments:

I had a boyfriend once who locked me out of his house. I had a key to the regular lock, but he locked the bolt. I climbed through the window in the door leading from his garage to his laundry room. He had a pager (this was back before everyone in the world had a cell phone) and he had left it there so he wouldn't get my pages. I can't remember what happened after that, but we were together for quite a while longer. I can remember he often commented that he couldn't believe I broke into his house.

I dated a guy for about 8 months, we were very involved and I was in love - he broke it off completely without any explaination. We had been together long enough that I knew his routines, I would 'accidentally' bump into him all the time - of course always looking really good. I can remember days driving through the gym parking lot over and over again, to see if he showed up. I knew it was crazy and like a stalker but I couldn't stop. Thankfully, he lived so far out of town, that I never drove by his house. **blushing that I exposed this**

I was dating a guy for a few months and nothing had happened between us. NOTHING. I mean, we would kiss and that was it. I mean let's face it ladies, not many guys want to "wait" anymore. I should have saw this as a sign, but I didn't. We finally got around to fooling around and it lasted all of about 5 seconds. This went on for a few more months and finally I wanted him to go see a doctor. I mean, if I were a 22 year old man and my manhood wasn't working correctly, I would be bustin' down the door to the doc to find out why. Well, not this fella. Anyway, I preceded to tell everyone I worked with and everyone who would listen about how he couldn't perform and how everytime something would happen, BLAM done in 5 seconds. Needless to say we broke up not long after that and last I heard he still couldn't get it up.

I know, I know, it was childish but every woman is entitled to at least Physco moment when it comes to men.

I was a freshman in college and totally ga-ga for some stupid guy. We broke up and I started driving by his apt building several times a day. Then I'ld drive by his parents' place. Sometimes I would just park outside and watch. Crazy, but I just couldn't help myself. I HAD to know what he was doing and secretly hoped he was as miserable as I was. I'm sure he wasn't, smug bastard.

I broke into his IM account and deleted and blocked the userIDs of his old flirtations and recreated them with a slight change so he wouldn't notice they were different, but he couldn't contact them anymore and they couldn't contact him either. I wasn't proud of my jealousy, anger and suspicion, but he deserved it.

I may have possibly yelled "whore" at my exboyfriend and his new girlfriend during our senior trip to Disneyland. I thought I was just saying it loud enough for my friends around me to hear, but he made some comment later about "unpleasant moments at the happiest place on earth" and now I'll never know for sure.

There may have also been months of glaring her across English class before that, maybe. Subtlety isn't exactly my strong point sometimes.

This happened *this* year. {Sigh} I was dating a guy who had a tendency to get restless in relationships. I didn't have tons of time to spend with him due to my schedule and just really not caring that much, but I became obsessed with what he did when we weren't together. So . . . I started checking his email accounts. And his online cell phone bill to find out who he was talking to. When I found a particularly juicy email exchange between him and another girl, I forwarded it to myself and a bunch of other girls he was flirting with. Needless to say, he was devastated because it ruined all of his little flirtations and I eventually used it as an excuse to dump him.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, this is not really crazy, but it caused a lot of anguish to my then-boyfriend and i feel a bit bad about it now. (only a bit!)

We were 16, Christians, and "saving ourselves for marriage". Only he was much better at it than i was. He was an absolute darling, and so good-looking, and my hormones were raging... i wanted him BAD, but he was very strong in his beliefs and would always insist on stopping us from doing anything beyond necking.

He would come over and we would sit cuddled on the couch together watching TV in the dark, and he would invariably fall asleep. While he was asleep, i would take his hands and strategically place them in naughty places... one on my breast, one down my pants. Sometimes, one in my pants, and one down his own pants. Sometimes one hand on the back of my head, and one on his naked cock (which i'd unleashed from his trousers while he was asleep) - making it look like he was pushing my poor innocent head down to his crotch.

Then i would turn up the volume on the TV with the remote, or make some other noise or movement to wake him up. When he woke up and found himself in this compromising position with me, he would get so upset and apologize, sometimes crying, and begging me to forgive him.

I was turned on beyond belief, but he was horrified, and ended up breaking up with me because he didnt want to put us in a position where we might commit a sin. DAMN!

Okay. I was NUTS. I hacked his Myspace, IM, and e-mail. The password to everything was MY NAME. Not only did I hack into them, I read EVERYTHING and changed ALL of his passwords so that only I could access them. Well, I also found his online dating profile (uh, asshole, why do have this while you're WITH ME?!) and changed his orientation to male seeking male and posted both his home and cell numbers. Hah. I deleted every female from every account he had and deleted their numbers from his phone. This was all AFTER we broke up by the way. What else? Oh, yeah, I logged on to every possible "ten free ringtones" site and plugged in his cell number, the bills had to be outrageous.

Well, that's what you get for cheating on me. I went psycho. I heard his car was repossessed and he and his new *slut* girlfriend got evicted from their apartment. Karma, bitches.

ooh this is good. Ok. My boyfriend had given me the "I don't know what I want" speech but hadn't actually said it wasn't me and it was SOMEBODY ELSE. I was going down the street and all of a sudden he went by in the opposite direction with another girl in his car! Cue psycho bitch...

I turned around, SPED MY ASS OFF to where I thought they were going. They weren't at the first place, so I SPED MY ASS OFF to the next place, swearing the whole way. Found them having a nice afternoon drink...I think it might have been their first date.

So I went over there (of course) and pretty much said "what the f?" and he gave me some sorry line so I hit him. A couple times. And told her he'd do it to her, too, and good luck! Then I keyed his car.

They ended up getting engaged, but he was still calling/emailing/propositioning me. But I didn't take the bait! And I would never do anything like that now...no guy is worth all that angst.

After waiting and agonizing for weeks and weeks to get my STD result back (clean, thank god) because he cheated on me, (deliberately) ran into some of his friends and told them I broke up with him because he was unsure of his sexual orientation. I said he broke my heart, but his attraction to men was too much to ignore.

I hear he can't figure out why all of his guy friends stopped hanging out with him. Humm...

I was also in college and also living in the same dorm as my ex-boyfriend. He had just dumped me out of the blue. I had no idea why. I thought we were happy. I was the perfect girlfriend. I took care of his every need. I was way hotter than him. HOW DARE HE! I became obsessed with finding out why he dumped me. I was also obsessed with making him understand how wrong he was to dump me. I was determined to make him sorry he had ever let me go. Well he was sorry alright, but what he was sorry about was that he ever laid eyes on me in the first place. Every time he turned around, there I was with my big tear filled eyes saying "but you just don't understand how much I love you. How could you do this to us. We are so good together." After about the 30th time he came back to his dorm room to find me waiting outside his door because we "Needed to talk." he finally lost it and screemed at me"I dumped you because you are a crazy fucking bitch! That is why! I wish like Hell I had a bunny for you to boil so you could just get this shit out of your system and leave me the fuck alone! Go away!" Ouch.

oh my what a game....god okay, one guy, he was all drunk and decided calling me a bitch during a phone convo would be a good thing, so i hopped in the car and drove the 20 mins to his friends house, cussed him the hell out and beat the shit out of him...he still one the psycho award that nite though cause he promptly jumped on my car to prevent my departure cause he loooooved me (despite just getting his ass kicked by me) and when i finally got away he jumped in his car and followed me till he got pulled over and arrested for DUI...brilliant. the true looooove of my life..those pyscho moments would take up the whole page! hmmm driving 7 hrs 5 mths pregnant with just enough money to get to the remote place he was at in the hopes of finding him and convincing him to come home...yep never found him....

When I was a junior in high school, I started dating a guy that I worked with who was a freshman in college. It was my first love. We were together for a year and a half before I finally got fed up with his neediness and his manipulative ways and broke up with him... and he made me out to everyone to be the bad guy, saying I had gone off to college and forgotten about him so I could go make out with guys at frat parties and telling everyone that I had always thought I was too good for him, which is why I didn't follow his wishes and go to the same shitty college that he went to. I felt really bad, and I tried really hard to be friends with him, because I really did care about him, but he told me I'd just hurt him too much and he couldn't even talk to me anymore.

A year later, I found out that he'd been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend during our entire relationship. He'd lied about everything, and it crushed me... for about a week. Then I just got MAD. A few weeks later, it was Thanksgiving break, and my best friend and I drove to his house in the middle of the night. We parked our car about a mile away, and dressed all in black, we egged, toilet papered, and keyed his car.

The only person I ever told was my brother. When I told him what we'd done, he admitted to me that when he found out about everything (from his friend's sister, who somehow heard), he'd gone to my ex's house and slashed all his tires. he was never going to tell me.

OMG! These are too funny. Like those TV shows, "When Animals Attack"..... maybe we could do one called "When Good Girlfriends Go Bad".... I think we all have a little crazy in us.....it's one of the things that makes us human.....and face it, men, they can drive you right to the edge of crazy. :))

My boyfriend had the messiest dorm, as most guys do. His went above and beyond disgusting. I kept telling him I'd never come to his room again unless he cleaned up. He never did.

One day when he was at class, I took everything off his floor and taped it to the outside of his door. When the door filled up with trash, I started taping items up and down the hallway.

The items included condom wrappers, pizza boxes, moldy pizza crusts, smelly socks, piles of hair, torn up school papers- anything and everything that was left on the floor.

I left a big poster board note that said, "The (his name) Look What Was On My Floor" Art Project."

He was livid. He said I got him into trouble with his RA and he was going to get kicked out of school unless I confessed it was my doing and then I might get kicked out of school, too. Yeah, right... and then he said, "I already have a mother. I don't need another one! You're nuts and not in a good way!"

I one up'd the "crazy girlfriend" and went straight to crazy wife mode. Leaving out the details of why he deserved it (he truly, truly did, I swear) I took a spoon and hurled it at my husbands head. Luckily for him (and for my criminal record) the knife was on the other counter. When the not-hardly-lethal spooning failed to yield the results I wanted, I ran over and yanked his external hard drive off (wait...::snort:: this could be taken all kinds of wrong. To clarify, I am referring to an actual computer external hard drive, not the more appropriately deemed flopy disc) the table and threw it with an enraged force. It lay there, lights slowly flickering in and out and it began to make pseudo groaning sounds, which we later found out to be a gear dislodged. Despite resuscitative efforts, it could not be saved. HA! I was victorious! The kicker: all of our photos were on that hard drive and husband had been working feverishly for months on a Christmas DVD for our families. I killed them all (the photos...just the photoss).

Crazzzzzy Girlfriend Twice. Hope that doesn't mean I have potential to be Crazzzzy Wife.

Crazy GF #1

He dumped me. I was obsessed w/ finding out "why." Never did. Still wonder, sometimes 3+ times a week. (it's been 15 years since he broke off a 2 yr relationship)

I was readddddy to dump him. Seriously. But I had a family reunion that I couldn't miss. But being the game player I am, I promised that I wopuld marry him (he asked for God's sake) when I returned from the mandated family week's vacation.

I didn't even bother to call him until four days After I had left. I was soooo bored w/ him. I figured he would be in withdrawal for me by Weds.

He didn't answer. His machine clicked on.. WTF?? This was 7 AM.

Hmmmm. I guess the games began at that exact moment.

I finally reached him (he was Not working that week, Just "pick up" jobs to supplement his salary..

After 20+ calls, I get him Thursday (he couldn't call me as I had no phone in the quaint cottage, and who had heard of cell phones Back Then....

It's now Thursday. He picks up.. He says "We need to talk."

I can't stand suspense. I will open a gift early and re-wrap it to satisfy my Need To Know.

I say, 'Need to talk? About what. Tell me now. Don't make me wait."

B says (B stands for Bastid, notttt for Bofriend) "I met someone"

Now, I clearly hear a purrrrrrr.. you know the one, like Scarlett O'hara.. the next AM in bed, after a goooooood nite with that Hunk Rhett.

And I say, "Is she there now."

B, "Yea."

"it's 5 AM. B, you slept with her?"

B, "Yea"

'when?'

"Sat"

"I LEFT Saturday. Whhhhhhhy?"

"We'll talk when you get home."

That SOB. He asked me to marrrrrrry him and met someone 6 hours after he proposed (oficially.. he had asked and I had accepted many times in the 2 years prior)

I progress to Insanely Crazy GF. Call him 20 or 30 times a day for the rest of the week.. this is from the same girl who has to drive to the nearest town to find a phone to call a man she was bored with anyway.

I get home. We talk. Her picture is in My Frame on Our (well I conssidered it our bedroom.. I had helped him move there, paint it, remodel it.. blah blah)

He never does tell me WHY.

I continued to stalk him, like a mad woman. Know that country song "I saw a shadow in your window tonight?" That represents my activities perfectly.

I left him all kinds of notes and presents in annd around his car.

I kept my key to his place and snooped.

But the craziness cilminated when I called his number on a day that I knew he would be working just to hear his voice on The Machine

But, someone answered. Male. He had gotten poorer, wayyy poorer w/ his new honey... so I fake a foreign accent... get all kindsa juicy tidbits about B

Then agree to meet this man.. wayyyyyy younger than I. I do not lie when I say he was young enough to be my son. He was also tall, well built in every way imaginable, and Black.

We proceeded to get to know each other quite well.

But I guess the Make Him Jealous by Dating his Roomie and Then Dump Him.. well, that backfired.. cause B called

And he said, "Stop screwing around w/ my roomie."

I act innocent.

But I am sure he heard the Gasp.. when B continued, 'Listen. He's not only my roomie, but his wife is too. She is pregnant."

Sigh

There is another Crazy GF story that I will share (and more to the one above) if anyone asks.

I am sure I went on too long w/ this one and probably bored you to tears.

Men, blech

I love my current and only Husband, but I don't love every little thing about him, if you know what I am saying. But, no mattter how pissed I get at him, I am not bored. B was dumb (literally) and my husband isnt. And in the scheme of things, someone who can entertain you for years upon years wins. Period.

I was dating a guy in college that went to a different college 4 hours away. I was afraid he was cheating on me, so I emailed him under a new email address, making up a new persona, "Cassie", and saying I went to his school and gotten his email from a friend of his. Then I begin flirting with him. Stupidly, he took the bait and wanted to meet up with me! I actually kept up this email exchange with him, with him trying to meet "Cassie" in person for about 2 1/2 months! I finally printed out all our exchanges and confronted him, and, damn, was he pissed! We actually stayed together for about six more months after that. yeah, I was stupid back then! So basically, he was trying to cheat on me with me!

He refused to listen to how much I hated any reminder of his REALLY crazy ex. Heck, in spite of the fact that she cheated, (literally) whored herself out for drugs, lied all the time and tried to beat him up a couple of times, they were still "best friends." One night, as I was curling into bed, I noticed that the stuffed animal she got him was sitting out in plain site in his room. We'd been fighting about her all evening, and I snapped. I might not have been big enough to do any harm to the boyfriend, but I beat the shit out of that stuffed toy. Shredded it. Ripped its head off. Screaming the whole time.

Is it really any wonder we broke up a couple months later?

ps, I did eventually fix the stuffed critter, but he dumped me on my birthday, so I kept it. I'm quite fond of that one. And I can't tell what kind of animal it is, because, my luck, he or she (the crazier-than-me, believe it or not, ex) might read this. I don't want them to know I still have it LOL

My ex and I took turns going psycho on each other. One time he disappeared for 6 months (moved and changed his phone number). I thought he had went to live with his mother, and although I couldn't remember the address, I could remember how to get there from where I used to live (about 30 minutes from her). So, I start messaging random people on yahoo, asking them if they had seen or heard of my ex. I found someone who didn't know anything about my ex, but he was familiar with the area. He agreed to print out a letter I wrote to my ex and put it on my ex's car for me! I wrote a long letter about how I still loved him and missed him and wanted him back. My phone rang a few hours after I e-mailed the letter to that guy. My ex was freaked out! He told me he didn't love me anymore, that I was scary and to stay out of his life.

We started talking again a few months after that. Then I faked suicide 3 times and a rape twice to get his attention.

When we used to fight, we'd call and text each other anywhere from 20-100 times a night.

(By the way, this ex and I are currently in the process of getting back together. I'm telling you... He's as crazy as I am if not moreso. haha We really do love each other, even if we are psychos. lol)