Mania

I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

After thanking life for blessing me with a disease that made me a writer and inculcate an urge to express to the world, I would like to thank to all of you who read my words and feel the emotions I try to convey here. Getting many followers and likes was never my goal, I know the fact that I’m not a regular blog writer. Thanks for my severe depressive and uncontrolled hypomanic episode that compelled me to open the blog and start writing whatever comes in my mind. Therefore, most of my writings are very impulsive and based on the current set of thoughts and emotions. Today, I opened my blog after a long time and feel so glad to notice the statistics, still my blog is generating some traffic and people can relate to my my views.

Whether you are Bipolar or Homosexual or suffering from Depression, you’re BEAUTIFUL. God loves you. I love you !! and I’m thankful to you for an inspiration to my writing. I will try to be regular and write on topics that you would love to read. There is no great happiness than being a helper or healer or supporter.. Thank You 🙂

I don’t know if anybody noticed, I stopped writing for sometime. 2013 was the year of great setbacks and self evolution. I had been through the pain of back to back severe manic and depressive episodes, both lasted 3 months. I went into a state of disappointment and despair and thought I would never have a peaceful life. My friends who are bipolar-homosexual could relate to my story in a better way as when these two combine, the panic is enough to make you crazy.

Later this year, when I thought things wouldn’t change and I will be living like a loser despite all degrees and shining academic portfolio, a miracle happened.. when, how, I don’t know.. but why !! Yes this I know.. because I was waiting for a miracle, that’s the only thing that could change my life. I understood that life changes with your perspective, otherwise things are the same. I am the same guy, pretty same routine,. same medications.. same family issues.. Its just that I see things differently. I will tell you HOW.

I stopped thinking about career or why do I have homosexual feelings. This is the first thing I did. then I said OK. Now What !! then I started exploring my interests, apart from those what I have been doing all these years.. instead things that I wanted to do but didn’t do for some reasons. Like I always listen to typical bollywood film music.. dance numbers etc.. so I started listening classical and folk music. and the new compositions and beats aroused me interest to explore more.. I listened to Ghazals.. Ghazal is somewhat classical sort of music belong to sub-continent. later on, I searched for creative images, starting from my laptop desktop.. I changed my cell phone tones.. I started dressing up well without a reason.. with no intention to show my friends and take compliments… Pinterest is a great platform for images of any sort. I discovered I like and understand Art.. and I literally listened to those paintings. this is the time I realized pictures do speak. and silence scream !! da feeling is wonderful.. I was knowing myself..

I always love to think and talk about life, experiences and relationships.. but urbanization somehow screwed up everything.. conversations are on skype and mobile.. most of us don’t know the charm of having a great conversation with friend or partner having cups of coffee in cool breeze in terrace.. !! I discovered a writer for me.. Paulo Coehlo. He is just an amazing person.. he has a great contribution in changing my life.. He made me see things beyond the imagination of reality. Now, I don’t see, I observe. I feel, I absorb !!

I didn’t have sex for about an year, just in a thought that whether its good to have or not… but in this very span.. a friend appeared after 5 years.. n we just had a good time on bed.. more of a cuddling and foreplay.. I was amazed to see I was too frustrated to have sex. and that time during 3 hrs neither of us ejaculated. Isnt it amazing? I don’t believe this. Now its been a week and I didn’t masturbate !! coz my soul is in peace..

We often feel emptiness inside us despite having all materialistic goods. We have food to eat not only this, we often go out for dining and spend huge amounts in expensive restaurants. We are eager to enter big malls for shopping branded outfits and shoes. These days, its a common trend to keep latest gadgets and keep busy playing with smartphones in buses, trains or family dinner table. We study to get a good job, earn to buy every luxury that could make our lives comfortable. But sadly material goods can never buy happiness or inner gratification.

Happiness is within so we shouldn’t look for it in outer world. The real happiness is to explore our mind and establish peace with the soul. It is to believe in yourself and the divine power that is ruling this world. It is to explore our abilities and know the strengths that God has given us rather complaining what we do not have. There is no end point of desires. Fulfilling one wish gives birth to the other and it makes you ignore the countless blessings that you already have. Thanking God, parents, friends for being their with you and support you in good and bad times, give you true happiness. And complaining for things that you lack and your friends have, will make you sad and deprived and by doing so you are actually wasting time that you could spend being happy.

Life is precious so fill out the missing point by exploring yourself and doing what gives you true happiness. Praise God and praise good in others.

Almost everyone has mood swings taking place in different situations but bipolar mood swings could be highly unpredictable and dangerous at the same time. My good mood makes the world so attractive for me that every little thing catches my attention, the world becomes so beautiful that it makes me thankful to God for sending me here and for His countless blessings. Interestingly, every hobby inspires me. I always like to have an aquarium at home but unfortunately my fish die very soon for the unknown reasons, knowing this fact I insisted again to get an aquarium and bought a small one few months back (when I was Hypomanic) I decorated it with plants and toys and put a pair of goldfish. I was properly taking care with their feed and oxygen and loved watching them swimming in water. I heard looking at aquarium lowers down your blood pressure and it is healthy for your brain because of a relaxing effects. But my excitement didn’t last for long and both of the fish died in 3-4 days. This made me realized that I couldn’t keep an aquarium and my interest that was so high in keeping an aquarium shifted to decorate the house with beautiful paintings and decoration pieces. I insisted to get some plants for balcony and stairs. In the same phase I enjoyed reading, talking to friends, traveling, dining out. These things make hypomania very exciting and adventurous but unfortunately my elevated mood lead to manic episode and I lost my consciousness and collapsed. Thankfully I wasn’t hospitalized this time and I recovered at home with high dose of medications.

Three months later this mania turns into depression and I lost interest in almost everything including eating and talking to my family. Same life that was so beautiful few days ago becomes horrible and meaningless though things didn’t change that much. Only my inner state of mind was changed. Most often it happens that things that are attractive in happy mood lose their value in depression. Same happens with the decisions that you take in one episode appear foolish when you are no longer in that mood. And the cycle goes on like this.

I think stability is something that a bipolar cannot achieve in life. However he is blessed and very lucky if he has got control on his mood swings through medicines and lifestyle changes. We shouldn’t give up on this and keep moving in a flow, and should not get depress or blame ourselves. Explore yourself and look for good things that differentiate you from others rather comparing and lowering your self esteem.

It is ironic to be a bipolar gay especially in my conservative society where sharing your feelings is far difficult so you can’t expect the positive acceptance in society you’re living in. Resulting, the person has to suffer from depression and loneliness due to lack of healthy opportunities of self exposure and the dream to live a life based on truth never come true. Sex is an important biological need of a living organism and when it comes to human; they find partners for relationships that may be based on intimacy and love bonding. There’s an easy way for straight people who get married and have a long term relationship that is accepted by the society. On contrary gay men have to satisfy their sexual need in hidden way without having any legal contract or written relationship agreement. I won’t talk about gay marriages because it is not practiced or accepted in most of the cultures.

When it comes to bipolar patients, I read that manic episode brings increased sexual desires and some people go for inappropriate ways and indulge them in risky behaviors. Married bipolar people enjoy this period as they and their partners both have great sexual pleasure and intimacy whereas bipolar gay men have to find their partners for sex if they don’t have boy friends. Most of them don’t live together so they have to arrange place as well.

Then there are some idiots like me, who are bipolar homosexual and waiting for Mr. Right because they don’t feel comfortable in doing sex with random people. For me, friendship, understanding and compatibility is more important before jumping into the bed. And that’s the reason I have to suffer. I have joined a gay social website but it is more of a hooking platform where you put your nude pix and get your desired body to make love. And in most of the cases this relationship lasts only in bed.

I suffered from serious mania 4 months back and it took me so much time to recover and ironically I got into severe depression as soon as my mania ended. I was on heavy dose of anti-psychotic medicine in mania therefore, my libido was decreased and I didn’t think of having sex in that span but as I stopped that medicine and re-adjust my dose, I stepped into hypersexuality – increased sexual desire. I don’t have any boy friend and never got convinced to have sex with random people so I have been suffering with great depression, feeling lonely and deprived. It is difficult to avoid something that is among your basic need. And not satisfying it brings you frustration and lack of concentration in your daily activities. I heard gay people are always ready for sex but I don’t believe this because I don’t get desperate for sex all the time. It is my fluctuating moods and medicines that change my desires.

Sometime I wonder how challenging it is to be bipolar gay living in a conservative society where you have you fight with your desires and at times you can’t share with people your reason for frustration and emptiness.

Bipolar sufferers know the importance of day when they realize they are retaining back their energy and having a mood elevation. They soon get aware of this when they suddenly take a new photo from mobile to upload on Facebook or they start listening fast tracks and dance numbers. Interestingly, these are the very next moments after the severe depression attacks when you completely lost interest in life and even get suicidal thoughts. everything seems meaningless and you see no options in life. This is the beauty of bipolar that sets it apart from regular depression.

When bipolar depression ends it makes life so beautiful and you start flying in sky despite knowing that your problems are still there. You resume your leisure interests like writers start writing and painters give colors to their dark paintings. Shadows of disappointments fade away and bright rainbow appears in your mind and thoughts. It gives you a meaning and new motivation to life. You set new goals and make resolutions. You feel blessed and thank God. Everything seems so beautiful however everything is just same as that in your depression phase. Its just that your dark glasses of disappointment are now replaced with colorful bright lenses that show your world awesome.