Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I was chatting to one of my friends the other day and she described a friend of hers as having "a black belt in mothering", never heard this before, but it totally summed up the persona of a super mummy. I've talked (at lenght) on my own blog about the differences between mothers and how we should all just get along, unite and overthrow the men, have creches in every workplace, child friendly public transport, flexible working hours, paid paternity leave (we know why that isn't happening, you guys in power don't want it ), viva la revolution (ok maybe I'm not that bad)! But I think there is one mother who should be taken into the desert and left there, or better than that forced to do a mother swap type thing with an average Joe mother!

Who are these mothers? Why do I hate them so much? Well if you are a parent yourself you most definitely know them, and if you aren't a parent then you can just imagine that this post is about the smug guy or girl in the office who always gets everything right!

So where do you find the Mummicus supericus then? There are several areas that this species flourish in, but the school yards are a very fertile hunting ground, hanging around their huge Lexus or BMW houses on wheels, with blacked out windows, they need these cars because they are so safe for little Oisin and Caoimhe (feck the rest of us and our kids).The Mummicus is easy to spot, you don't need binoculars or any kind of tracking device, you just follow the sound of her voice, she'll be talking to her prey, whatever poor mum couldn't escape from her claws, or maybe some teacher who has to listen to a lecture on the Montessori method versus the Linden method!

Mummicus's favorite topic of conversation is how her family is so much better than everyone elses, be it that her little ones are doing Greek interpretive dance classes or extra curricular applied maths for six year olds. Another favorite topic of conversation is how her children eat anything (even frogs legs when they are in their holiday home in Provence), in fact they love salad and hate mc Donalds, do their kids never beg them for a (non organic) sausage or Dominos pizza? Perhaps Mummmicus slips on a trench coat and shades and lurks outside Mc Donalds until the coast is clear? Then slink into the restaurant and asks for a couple of happy meals? Her children apparently don't eat sweets, in fact when faced with a bowl of smarties or a bowl of caviar the kids choose the caviar!

The offspring of the Mummicus are never naughty, they are almost Stepford children, how does she do it? Seriously I want to know! I was in a cafe a couple of weeks ago and another mother and her young were sitting at a table opposite me and my brood, the mother was reading the Times, and the two male young (probably 13 and 11) were reading and writing in little leather notebooks, "look at that", my hubby said, " aren't they so well behaved?" I told him I thought they were robots, they were dressed in matching shirt cords combinations and their hair looked like plastic, where is the spirit? I don't think I'd like my weenies to act like they were middle aged, slippers and glasses, they'd be easier to handle but that's not what childhood is about!

Maybe I'm just jealous, maybe I'd like to be the alpha female? But to tell you the truth it just sounds like too much hard work, how much Gina Ford isms go into producing the little Einsteins? What goes on behind closed doors? How many nervous breakdowns and bottles of wine are downed to get through it! I just couldn't manage it, I find juggling everything hard enough never mind trying to look perfect, be perfect and produce perfect offspring!

The yummies don't bother me at all, maybe I imagine (and know in lots of cases) that what appears perfect rarely is. It just doesn't bother me. The ones I "hate" are the ones who just police their kids. You know the grumpy ones who never smile and just roar at their kids and wallop them. They're the ones who bug the crap out of me, and they're not all from working class areas. I know a few "poshies" who act like their kids are a nuisance!

Yep, I ahve a bigger problem with this too. I was i nthe ante natal clinic a few weeks ago and there was a girl who only talked to her small son as if he was a dog - she just barked out 'No!' 'Bold!' and 'Dirty! That's disgustin'' repeatedly, in between making hupping, growling noises. It was freaky. He was a perfectly nice little kid as well - but not for long. How to make a scumbag in one easy lesson.

God, it's a can of worms! I agree you have to enjoy your kids, if you don't treat them with respect they won't respect anyone or anything. As for irish names, I love them, but it's when the people don't even understand how to pronounce them that it bugs me!Ash, I hate that too, now "hate" is a word we don't usr in our house but it really makes my stomach turn, I think we have to be stern at times, when there is danger, and we are always the adult so should be in charge but kids need to be respected, bet those people wouldn't talk to their work mates or friends like that, i know some poshies like that too:-)

Ah Shan, now I love you:-) your little joy is only weenie now, it all happens slowly, then one day it's the first day of school and everything changes for the little one and the parents, you'll encounter your fair share of super parents, just remember they all have a terrible weakness, you just need to find out what their kryptonite is!