Last night, the GOP-controlled Virginia legislature rejected the judicial appointment of an openly gay attorney after an anti-gay conservative group pressured Republican lawmakers to keep the homo out of the courtroom. When our male judges look at the exposed breast of Lady Justice, we went them to get real, red blooded erections, goddamn it!

Tracy Thorne-Begland, Richmond's chief deputy commonwealth's attorney, a former Navy pilot, and a father, and would have been the first openly gay elected judge in the state. In order to secure the appointment, he would have needed 51 votes in favor of his appointment in the Virginia House of Delegates — ultimately, 33 voted for his appointment, and 31 against. Many members abstained.

Trouble started for Throne-Begland when the Family Foundation (in politics, "Family" is usually code for "Hooray for Patriarchy!") and Republican Delegate Robert G. Marshall began warning legislators that if the man were allowed to assume the bench, his judgment would be influenced by his sexuality, because gay judges apparently use their dicks in lieu of gavels and transform their courtrooms into impromptu leather daddy festivals, while straight male judges are always thinking perfectly clearly.

According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Richmond Commonwealth's Attorney Michael N. Herring finds the whole affair embarrassing. He said, "It's hard to think about what happened in the General Assembly and not conclude that it's a form of bigotry."

That's all well and good, but let's face facts: you know what will happen if people allow gays to be judges, right? Soon people will want to make their dogs judges, or make an entire group of people judges. It's not natural. God made Adam and Eve, not Gay Judge Adam.