Tag Archives: political

New Mayor Sir Ryan has imposed some incredibly strange laws lately, and has shown that he is not messing around. Currently, the city jail is overflowing with “law-breakers,” including people who forgot to wear renaissance clothes on “Medieval Fridays” and vegan restaurant owners who refused to serve giant turkey legs on their menu. However, it would appear that most inmates are members of the Celtic Club, a group hated by Sir Ryan as the rival group to his Medieval Club, and the latest group to rebel against the new laws.

When Sir Ryan became mayor, he passed a law banning the Celtic Club. Threatening jail time to anyone caught “Celtic Clubbing,” it’s members were forced underground. But it looks like membership in the club, instead of shrinking, is beginning to swell as a resistance movement to the leadership of the increasingly unpopular Mayor Sir Ryan.

Members have been meeting in secret, only publicly identifiable by the shamrock pins they wear on their jackets, and by exchanging a secret “Stonehendge Handshake” that I haven’t seen in person yet. They are believed to be planning the beginning stages of a revolt, along with deciding the theme to next years Spring “Druids and Daisies” Festival, both of which fills Sir Ryan with absolute terror.

My source inside the Mayor’s office tells me that Sir Ryan may be planning something drastic soon to thin out their numbers.

Mayor Chuck, former mayor of Byron City who was driven out of office due to unethical activity, is still missing, and is sorely missed by us citizens. Several people have posted signs reading “Bring Back Chuck!” Those signs have been confiscated and the citizens who posted them have been fined for disturbing the peace.

I’m a gossip columnist, but today I’m turning political activist. I encourage anyone reading to join the Celtic Club resistance movement. If you desire to do so, simply pin a clover to your jacket and wait. Don’t try to contact them, they will contact you. Since I will most likely be arrested for this post, I have decided to go “underground” and will continue posting in secret.

In a shocking announcement this morning from the City Council of Byron City, it has been revealed that Sir Ryan has officially been appointed the new Mayor of Byron City.

Mayor Sir Ryan

The appointment was announced during a press conference this morning with key members of the City Council. After much speculation as to who would be appointed as new mayor to replace the disgraced and resigned Mayor Chuck. Although Sir Ryan was a rumoured consideration, most citizens considered him a long shot because of how weird he is.

But the “weird factor” did not seem to be an issue with the City Council.

“We considered a lot of great people, but in the end, Sir Ryan was the one we thought most capable and suitable to give us all what we need. Especially that piece of land sitting behind my house that past mayors wouldn’t let me buy since it’s a nature preserve. That’s probably something really good he could give to certain cooperative citizens. And maybe some Manolo Blahniks,” said council member Laurel Sandberg wrapped in a fur coat, even though it’s the middle of august.

“Sir Ryan will make an excellent, kind, and generous mayor, and will never in a million years threaten the peace of me and my family or expose past embarrassments that may or may not have occurred during some awkward stages in my life. All praise Sir Ryan!” said a slightly nervous looking council member Brian Havig.

But not all citizens were as supportive or excited about the appointment.

“This is #$^;(*@! There’s no way the council chose that faggy little minstrel over me,” said citizen and former mayor hopeful Bob Van Daniels. “Something fishy is going on here, and I won’t rest until I find out what. I rarely sleep anyways, mostly because I don’t need to sleep because I kick serious balls all day and all night, but as of this moment I’m devoting all of my ball-kicking time to Sir Ryan’s balls! Watch your back!”

Sir Ryan’s female rivals seemed equally displayed. “Something foul stenches the air, yonder. A bleak and heavy cloud accompanies the humour of that louse. To him wilst I cast a pox, and unfetter his mealworm’ed treachery,” said the outspoken Lady Cerridwen, leader of the city’s Celtic Club, rival group of Sir Ryan’s Medieval Club.

Sir Ryan could not be reached for comment, but his campaign representative, a man dressed as a jester who calls himself Dave, handed a statement to the press written on scroll parchment that said, “Hark! Verily the day of reckoning is at hand. Ye shall all bow before the rod of Mayor Ryan, else’t the rod of power which should be so tender at this moment will grow hard and strike thee down in furious retribution. And you’re not allowed to make any ‘That’s What She Said’ jokes about my rod of power. You know what I mean. Grow up.”

I’m about to go to the Byron City Republican Primary Caucus tonight, and I’m undecided on who I should vote for.

I voted for Barak Obama last time, but I’m not this time because I don’t like him as much. I don’t like the dog they picked and the economy isn’t better and that latino family that lives down the street hasn’t been deported yet.

I haven’t had time to do much research, but from what I’ve gathered watching the big news networks like CNN, Fox News, ABC News, this is what I’ve learned:

There’s that one good-looking mormon guy who’s the front runner, but is not Christian enough, not warm enough, hates dogs, and is too rich.

Then there’s that other guy with a big head who wanted the open marriage and wants to build a moon base.

And there’s the one that wears the sweater vest. I don’t know anything else about him.

And then there’s that guy that everyone here in the retirement home hates but my grandson loves, and who is dangerous and crazy.

That’s the gist of what I’ve learned about the candidates based on what the news tells me. So I don’t know who to choose!!! Someone help me! Is that black man still running?

Maybe I’ll just vote for Sarah Palin.

– Jean

P.S. I just looked the sweater vest man up on the internet, and was so shocked! What an unfortunate last name!