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I feel kind of gross. I just broke up with my boyfriend four or five days ago and I'm already setting up a rebound fuck.

Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix

That's the thing. I'm nowhere close to being over my ex, and I still feel like I made a huge mistake breaking up with him. I doubt a rebound fuck would help one bit, but I'm still going through with it. I really don't care right now.

Maybe I'm just having a bad night.

I don't see why you should feel gross, as there isn't anything "wrong" or "bad" about it. I mean, how long do you want to stay monogamous to someone you're not in a relationship with anymore? The only "wrong" thing about this is that I'm not the one who gets to do dirty fun things with you

it was kind of an amazing breakthrough not sure what was so different, my inability to get off via someone else jerking me off was definitely not for lack of trying.

made a fucking mess too neither of us were expecting it and I was in a pretty bad position to cum.

Sounds like fun! Sex is supposed to be messy.

I've had ex's like you, that I could never make cum - they were the only ones who knew the secret. It's good to hear one of you guys were fixable. I've never been able to determine if their 'problem' was physical (conditioning to their own jerking off methods), or psychological (unwilling to mentally let go completely).

That's the thing. I'm nowhere close to being over my ex, and I still feel like I made a huge mistake breaking up with him. I doubt a rebound fuck would help one bit, but I'm still going through with it. I really don't care right now.

Maybe I'm just having a bad night.

I'm guessing you're subconsciously thinking that HE might not see it as over either. Your sleeping with someone else would be the nail in the coffin to forcing it to be over for 'cheating' (even though you're technically broken up).

If that's one of those Trek Star Fleet Academy type fly a star ship around and kill things games, No. Well... I've TRIED to play them, but they use EVERY fuckin' button on the key board. I hate to admit that I'm just too dumb to play those games. I cannot for the life of me memorize what every button does.

They tend to be less intuitive and more tedious. Rather than introducing a new concept or obstacle with subtlety, there are hints and explanations for how to overcome it. There's less thought involved and it detracts from the feeling of accomplishment. In particular, the game design of more recent FPS games tends to be slower, and seems to focus more on realism rather than competitive gameplay. Games like Quake and UT99 are fast paced and intense, and there's a larger skill ceiling because reaction time and flickshots are more important when the game speed is higher.

I think game designers are focusing more on cut scenes and realism because it appeals to the largest market; casual gamers. People like myself who tend to focus on the competitive / skill based aspects of video games are the decided minority, and it's going to be much more profitable for them to focus on appealing to casual gamers. It sucks for sure, but that's just the way it is.

Nostalgia is just one of many reasons I prefer older games to new releases.

Originally Posted by tombastep

What tends to bother me about video game sites/threads/videos is that things seem to have to be a pissing contest, or people don't like the fact that you don't play on a certain console or that you don't play on PC.

Tomba, you are correct that some of the rivalry between the two camps is pissing contest, yes. But I think it's worth pointing out that 15 years ago, there was no pissing contest. Console games were console games and PC games were PC games, a few (almost universally crappy/unrecognizeable) ports aside. The technology and the markets were just way too different and consoles in particular had very proprietary contracts for the release of various big name games or series-- some still do to this day and are only playstation exclusives or whatever else. The problem is that when xbox came not within the same range but within a really far baseball's throw of the PC's capabilities--- people went "hey, why don't we just make one-game-fits-all for BOTH pc and consoles, that way we make more money!" And they did.

The problem with that is like it's trying to make a movie that's going to be loved by fans of a novel series and fans of a comic book series. The crowds are extremely different in terms of what they look for and have been for years, almost going back to the very beginning of gaming. As a general statement, the console market is more transient, plays many more games per month/year, goes through games faster, and favors ease of gameplay and intuitiveness, not having to invest too much time/thought, and basically just a fun, casual game. PC gamers tend to throw themselves more into a smaller number of games and try to play the hell out of them or get really good at them-- PC gamers playing a game like League of Legends, Dota, Counterstrike, World of Warcraft, Quake or Diablo II for YEARS on end is not at all uncommon. As a result they tend to value replayability, high at-release quality and bugtesting, good support over time with patching for any issues that may crop up and affect gameplay, etc.-- issues that have traditionally been moot for a console gamer by comparison, particularly if they are done with a given title in 2 weeks and move onto the next one.

I definitely grant you that some of the hostility is just immature tribalism. Go over to xboxnation and take a look at how they talk about PC-- you'd think we're all satan worshippers trying to enslave console gamers and create a gamer master race using eugenics. (You'd also think we all live in a basement.) But PC gamers do have some legitimate gripes-- basically, you're hard pressed to find a PC game that isn't, at this point in time, just a port TO the PC from the xbox rather than the other way around--- and the xbox is for all intents and purposes a 10 year old PC more or less. We don't get games anywhere near our potential, we get console UI's (huge blown up text that take up too much of the screen, enormous menus, everything aimed at assuming you're playing on a couch from 30 feet away from the TV) and control systems that assume you're using a controller and not a mouse and keyboard-- radial menus, etc. Additionally as console ports we're getting, by our standards, easier, simpler games with less thought, depth or complexity. You can see this very clearly in series that began as PC series and turned into multi-platform after xbox-- a frequent word you hear about the games that crossplatformed was they felt "dumbed down." Games like Oblivion and Fallout 3 would be examples, though at this point virtually everything made is cross-platform. We also get more rushed games with less replay and almost no support over time because support over time is virtually unexpected in the console market (since in the past you COULDN'T patch any game on a console system anyway) and we're getting ports of console games for the most part.

So long story short, no, I don't think someone is bad/dumb/whatever because of where they play games, but I do think the one size fits all glut of game development has stunted the quality of PC gaming in a very major way that has left PC gamers distinctly unhappy with the direction of game production. There's a lot of myths out there like "PC gaming is dying"-- it isn't true btw. Steam shows friggin enormous PC game sales, saying that PC gaming doesn't sell as well is a half truth-- the full truth would be "It doesn't sell as well as something we can sell on both PC and xbox at the same time." Unfortunately if you're making a game to do that, you're not really making a PC game anymore, because that generally won't fly in the console market.

- - - Updated - - -

Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix

That's the thing. I'm nowhere close to being over my ex, and I still feel like I made a huge mistake breaking up with him. I doubt a rebound fuck would help one bit, but I'm still going through with it. I really don't care right now.

Maybe I'm just having a bad night.

I think if you're saying you think it's a bad idea, it is probably a bad idea.

I understand the gripe about PC games pretty much being ports but that isn't the fault of the people who play consoles as much as it is the fault that developers think they need to push games out quickly and one of the versions gets shafted and not even worth playing. I'm not the type of person that thinks a franchise needs a yearly release. But unfortunately this is the case.

I agree it's the fault of devs being greedy and not making specialized to the software they're developing for. If anything PC gamers are to blame for buying these crappy console ports because if they didn't people might actually do dedicated PC development. However there you will find no shortage of console gamers to say things like PC gamers are just bitter old hardcores who want unfun games because they never leave their mom's basement and there's nothing wrong/different/inferior about for-console development vs. pure PC development. Unfortunately we do know different because we remember pure PC development, but you never make any console gamer friends saying so.

I think this is an unfair generalization.

Developers aren't making games based on one person's specific conditions. They're making them for broad casual mass appeal. One size fits all. And that 'size' is "transient gamer who averages <2 weeks in a title, 90% of the time doesn't finish it, doesn't play for balance/competition, doesn't want to think too much, just wants to sit down in the living room and pew pew."

That may not be you but that IS who games are being made for. And not just for you but for everyone.

i hate hearing songs where you have the singer begging for some love or some ass. the most pathetic line, rhetoric or whatever that i can't stand hearing is "i can't eat without you". you damn right you can't eat without me because you can't cook. go and buy yourself a cookbook or get you some cooking lessons so you can survive on your own instead of living foot to mouth, asshole.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

it's all good. i've been contradicting myself a lot lately without even knowing it. my short memory span might have been damaged from some of the weed smoking i've done or the sleep deprivation.

I would say so. HERE, for example:

Originally Posted by refujiunderground

i hate hearing songs where you have the singer begging for some love or some ass. the most pathetic line, rhetoric or whatever that i can't stand hearing is "i can't eat without you". you damn right you can't eat without me because you can't cook. go and buy yourself a cookbook or get you some cooking lessons so you can survive on your own instead of living foot to mouth, asshole.

the thing that surprises me about this forum is that you guys actually read the posts. i'm like damn... i can't say anything without someone going "didn't you say this last night or last week?" you guys are good. i'm too lazy to cover my tracks. it's a good thing that you guys aren't using it to knock me down with them though like what marquez did to pacman last night.

still and

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

Yeah, so have I. Despite everything I've said in his defense, he's on my ignore list. I can't stand his posts either.

He's still harmless, though (compared to other so-called "trolls").

that's what's funny. that thread about him wouldn't have been made if more people used the ignore list. sloppy is like the adorable teddy bear that is nice to hug up with at night in the wintertime. he may not know how to speak english but that's my sloppyseconds. *wipes tear from eye*

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I never understood the antipathy leveled towards SS. I don't find his posts in any way offensive, merely inscrutable.

I think for a great deal of people who come here, JUB is their only refuge from the 'straight world' where they can bare their soul, take off their masks, and socialize with like-minded people about being gay. Admitting that sort of thing can be very hard for a lot of people, and I think it's kind of expected that everyone in the 'room' appear to be just as vulnerable.

Sloppy has been outed as having not portrayed this persona in the past, and he hasn't ever offered anything substantially personal about himself (at least that anyone else can translate). People don't like being played or taken advantage of, as evident in the Andrerus thread.

If you walked into a gay bar and there was a guy sitting there with a paper bag/mask over his head I would bet you'd steer clear of him too. If he's not hurting anyone, WHAT is he doing? Collecting evidence? Who knows. It's just creepy.

watching this iceman documentary right now, i'm cringing at how dude killed people for no reason. simply because they "pissed him off" by doing something that he didn't like. the thing that scares me is that i see an eerie similarity between myself and him on that aspect where i too want to hurt people if they simply get me mad even over petty things. he also sounds paranoid too. he thought the guys that he killed were out to get him too. luckily, i'm getting help to put the screws that aren't tied to tight into my head.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I just got an offer on PlentyOfFish to be one of a married man's "bottombois". Sorry, I have a little too much respect for myself to get involved with your impending clusterfuck of drama and be treated like a sex toy. I don't care how big your cock is.

Thanks to Canada's education system I always read "bois" as it would be in French.

And you have PC elitists who will think they are a better gamer because they're not playing on an "inferior" system. Both people who play on consoles and on PC who are complete dicks or condescending to on or the other. Neither are better than the other.

If that's all there was to the debate- sure. But I think you aren't aware of how much the xbox crowd insists that games are about as good as they can be today, that the devs are all great and that anyone who says otherwise is just QQ. Even though there's been a marked drop in PC quality since crossplatforming.

I understand why developers and publishers make games the way they do. My point still stands that it is not a fair generalization as much as it isn't fair to say PC gamers are bitter basement dwellers.

If you think it's unfair, take it up with the people making your games. They do studies on the market (including how many hours/how many people finish an entire game after buying it) and design accordingly if they're after the biggest mainstream sales possible. You've heard people say anything from "games don't have good story anymore" or "games aren't really original anymore" or "games are too easy nowadays"? I'm sure you have and you'd be lying if you said you hadn't. If my explanation isn't the reason for that, what is the explanation?

I don't see how complaining that aiming for the lowest common denominator has reduced the quality of the finished products is either unfair or controversial.

And btw yes anything you say about either side is a generalization because we're talking about multi-millions of people. That doesn't change the fact that there are some hardcoded differences in the purchasing and playing tendencies between the two groups. Heck there are whole GENRES you can't seriously get on console, like RTS, because of the limited control schema of any console system. Or as another example, I mentioned that PC games do not even get proper PC UI's anymore. We get hastily adapted over copy-pastes of the xbox UI, with everything relying on radial menus and enormous fonts and gigantic menus, frequently without even options to change any of this unless you turn to player-made mods. Do you think PC gamers were petitioning devs to make those changes?

Would it be an "unfair generalization" to say a serious RTS gamer has to be a PC gamer?

I'd be lying if i said i never heard people say that but i'd also be lying if i said that those comments were completely true. Of course in a business publishers are going to create what "most people want". But there are hard games on consoles and people who want those games. I've already pointed out Dark Souls being one of those hard games and it selling quite well.

There is a market for casual gamers but there is a market for people who want more difficult polished well thought out games. And those people play on consoles too. You'd be lying too.

I could link a thread about Dark Souls 2 and how people were worried about the game based on the fact that the director used to word "accessible." Again these are console gamers.

I didnt say it was unfair to complain about publishers aiming for the lowest common denominator. I said it was unfair to generalize people who play on console that way.

I'm fairly sure when the devs look at sales of Call of Duty vs. Dark Souls they draw a broad conclusion about what they need to make if they want bigger sales-- an "unfair generalization" only from the perspective that their goal should be something else. (If you said the goal should be something else, or at least tempered by other considerations like quality and such, I would agree with you, but it isn't how a majority of devs are operating.)

Note that I never claimed there is no difficult game on console. We're talking general trends. The general trend has been towards flashy, high graphics, close to zero depth and minimal time/effort investment to fully experience the game. For anyone who actually seeks out those "more than just a title of the month" games, that's a bad thing. Most of them are being made by very small dev houses like Frictional as one example, who literally were making plans to vacate their office and go bankrupt as they pushed the game out to market. They don't have the advertising or distribution power behind them that a company like EA does, so short of an explosion of word of mouth, these devs struggle to survive or succeed.

i'm playing dr. robotnik's bean machine from the sonic mega collection on the ps2 has my mind going back to 2008 for the wrong reasons when i got the game. around that time, i found myself getting into a brutal internal conflict with my sexuality around what was supposed to be a good holiday break from school. two new episodes of true life came on and i had a developed a crush on two guys from both of the shows. one was the porn star aaron james from the true life: i'm in the porn industry episode. he looked somewhat similar to a guy who was a frequent customer that i also developed a crush on at the time. he used to make me experience what i thought were panic attacks whenever he would stroll into my job. he used to come in with two of his friends. dude was hot and stunningly beautiful. i actually began to dislike dude to a great deal whenever i saw him because he was basically make me see the things in myself that i didn't want to deal with at the time. so although i was attracted to him, i would deny it hard as hell. i ran into him a couple of times outside my job too while he was with his friends. one time, i saw him walking outside a store in the mall and he was looking at me with the face. funny thing was that i was projecting my feelings towards him by saying to myself that i think he's gay and that he wanted me instead of it being the other way around.

but anyways, i had a crush on that guy, a crush on aaron james from tl:i'm in the porn industry and chaz from tl: i'm getting out of prison around that time period. i used to tell myself that i wasn't attracted to those guys and basically go through a war with myself. that was the worst feeling basically knowing that my heart, my mind and my feelings were saying that i was gay BUT i refused to believe it. looking back at it now, what was so hard about just saying that i had a crush on 3 guys around that time? the worst times where i was bothered by my sexuality was when i first realized that i might have been gay, back in the 10th grade, my last two semesters in community college and 2010 and last year. after last year, i couldn't deal with it anymore.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I can't think of too many games that are very successful that go by this trend. Call of Duty is always one of these games, but there aren't many others that really come to mind. I can think of a few bigger titles this year that I felt had depth and longevity, but I guess that is a matter of opinion and it doesn't really matter anyway.

Let's be clear though, CoD on its release was the fastest-selling game medium EVER. The CoD franchise in terms of its marketshare and sales is probably equal to quite a number of other "big games" put together. So it's a little bit disproportionate to just treat it as an unfortunate exception.

Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix

^^^ Johann -
I don't think he'd be anywhere without his mixers digitally enhancing him as so many singing "stars" are having done these days.

Agreed, music is SO overproduced and over-edited nowadays you really can't tell who is a good singer. Look at that show Glee.

Do you ever get a call from your parents and while they're talking you're thinking: why in the hell would you think this is important to me?

Originally Posted by AWP82

All the fucking time, and I LIVE with my mother! She over-elaborates on everything too, and I'm like "Pleeease!!!!!!!! Just give me the cliffnotes. I don't need the long version."

She talks WAY too damn much, especially during movies (and not just normal, short comments...she goes into these LONG conversational acecdotes that always make me miss the good parts) or when I have my headphones/iPod on (it's like "BITCH, DO YOU NOT SEE THESE BIG ASS HEADPHONES ON ME? I obviously can't hear you, and I'm pre-occupied, so why do you keep talking to me? Can't you tell how impatient I look when I keep taking my headphones off and on to answer you? SHUT THE FUCK UP!" ).

I don't talk to her like that, but those are my inner thoughts when she does that stuff.

Originally Posted by Huntneo(PT)

LOL it was supposed to be in the vent thread, but I decided to relax.

But since you responded...I'll just say that you pretty much have the idea of exactly what I'm talking about. I love my mom to death--but I don't need to hear about what so-and-so down the street's sister's-cousin's-uncle's-niece spent on her new car that she can't afford. And it's not always gossip, rather (as you said) dragging on about something that can be summed up in a sentence or two. Then again...I do better with this kind of thing when I go home for visits. I'm just not a phone person these days really. lol

that's a bit exaggerated, but it gets the point across. I hope.

Holy fuck - you two guys have just described MY LIFE! Headphones and everything! I still live at home so this shit happens everyday. Only difference being it's my dad who does the endless blah-blah, my mum's okay. My dad seems to have the uncanny knack of stretching out to five minutes what could be said in FIVE SECONDS! A simple question usually leads to a seemingly endless monologue. And his monotonous voice only makes it worse.

The best way to describe my dad is this quote I heard from a female comedian (can't remember her name):
"My father is one of those people.....you ask him what the time is, he'll tell you how the clock was made."

I know, and I've come close to beating the shit out of her quite a few times before. I don't know what's stopped me, but she's lucky.

And no, she can't go elsewhere. She'll be staying with my parents, which means that I'm not going to be able to be there.

With my mental health the way it is at the moment, I don't want to know what may happen if she pulls her usual stunts. I'm just hoping I can steer as clear of her as I possibly can so nothing happens.

You have a few things going for you right now:

I think you know what it's like to be well. To be functioning pretty good, and to be able to smile and relax once in a while. That's not just a memory, it's a goal.

You know that something is not right. Have you figured out what it is at the moment? Could you explain it to us or to a doctor? It sounds like you feel on edge, but any other symptoms that stand out?

You know to give yourself a break - you've been through a couple of turbulent weeks emotionally so don't be hard on yourself if it takes a while to get past it.

Consider staying home instead of visiting your parents if you know you can't handle your sister right now. Consider staying home even if you just suspect you can't handle her. It's not permanent. It would be easy enough to avoid her for now to give yourself the chance to improve your mental health. If you feel like seeing her in the springtime, you can always put up with her bullshit at Easter. Could you see your family separately on some other day from your sister?

You know you can always put your own health ahead of a family reunion, and you don't have to force yourself into a bad place because you feel obliged.

Yeah. I might be contradicting myself just a tad bit and I should rephrase what I said earlier a little bit, people don't want copy cats but they want sequels. Publishers are more willing to push sequels because a game did well vs.making a new IP.

Yup have you seen Bobby Kotick's statements on that after taking over Activision/Blizzard? Ugh. He's the most hated figure in game development but what gets me is he's just totally blatant about the fact that he's sorta like the guys who took over Disney: we don't care about innovation, we don't care about new content, we don't care about originality or creativity, we only want to put money into tested and proven franchises with hundred-million-dollar potential and annual release capability.

I know, and I've come close to beating the shit out of her quite a few times before. I don't know what's stopped me, but she's lucky.

And no, she can't go elsewhere. She'll be staying with my parents, which means that I'm not going to be able to be there.

Then that's that. Your mental health trumps any familial obligations.

SAD officially in full effect. Not full-fledged depression (yet - knock wood), but had another lousy night last night. Staying up and reading or working on stuff works totally fine at getting through it, but once it's time to go to sleep, my brain starts rebelling. Time to drag out the Christmas lights.

I just realised that I'm going to have to starve myself for four months. I'm auditioning for a role in an upcoming local production about drug addiction, and if I'm going to be playing a drug addict I'm going to have to look as malnourished and sickly as I can manage.

These next few months are going to suck.

congratulations, bro.

i confess to being paranoid about some posters in here. looking @ some of the pics and even the posting styles, those posters come off predatory to me. almost like "i'm watching you. as soon as i catch you by yourself or when you turn your back, i'm gonna get you." it's so weird. it's just weird talking to someone who you want to talk to or just be friends with but at the same time, you don't know what they're thinking. it's like keep one eye open and make sure you don't sleep on your stomach. you might get raped.

i'm not talking about myself alone. it's that it seems like everybody here has a target on their back with some posters just ready to shoot. there's folks that have met off here and got partnered up. posters that have fucked off here. you're being monitored. someone has their dick out just waiting for someone and it's like watching a shark attack.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I'm no Catholic but I confess that I rarely go into the Amateur Showcase forum.

It just seems so… I don't know… raw.

I haven't been there since I posted my "how to take better pictures" thing. (i'm assuming 99% of JUBbers aren't following any of those suggestions.) The section just really doesn't appeal to me. One art critic called a painting "naked rather than nude", and that's about how I view it. The pictures don't turn me off, but they don't engage me, either. It's like getting a bag of sugar for dessert. Yes, you got the sweet part down, but there should be more to it than that.

Sometimes, when people make typos on the internet, I check my keyboard to see if the wrong letter is close or next to the right letter. If it is, I forgive the typo because their finger must've slipped, but if the letters are too far apart, I side-eye those people for being stupid. For example, typing "it'd" instead of "it's" is OK, but there's NO excuse for typing "it'p." In that case, you're just stupid and can't spell.

Sorry, Adrian. Just using "it'd" as an example. "D" is right next to "s", so I forgave you.

I HATE IT WHEN FOLKS SPELL THE WORD BOY AS BOI! for some reason, that spelling of the word irks me where i find myself getting irritable seeing the word. that's why i cringe whenever i see certain screennames ending with the word boi. that fucking word. the only person that gets a pass is big boi from outkast. only he can do that. everybody else, don't even think about it.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

sometimes, i think i'm mentally retarded for real. strange enough, i have little to no confidence with myself at times when i have those negative thoughts about myself such as me truly being a dumbass. however, at times, i feel the exact opposite and i feel good. right now, i'm in one of those looking up at bottom of the world because i'm flying downward. yep, yep, life is a bitch and yet she's raping me over with a strap on with no lube again. waking up feeling violated.

and another thing too. i hate it whenever i go to a psych and they ask me "have you ever been physical, mentally or sexually abused?" it makes me cringe for some reason. i've never experienced either but the thought of being violated sexually makes me cringe. i've been physically assaulted by people when i was younger though not physically abused and that made me paranoid where i am ever so watchful to make sure nobody tries to assault me. never been mentally abused. but sexually, if that ever happened to me, i would be on a murderous rampage for real and i would do everything in my power to make sure the son of a bitch or bitch that raped me would get what they deserve.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

Very few people know about left- and right-handed Dvorak. Do you use either one of those versions, or do you use Dvorak International?

Just standard Dvorak. I can type just fine with my right hand - I just need it to run as smoothly as possible to prevent excessive wear on it, which Dvorak excels at.

PS. I can use QWERTY in an emergency but I effin' hate it. It feels like taking a shower while wearing a parka.

I have to use "public use" computers on a regular basis at both my jobs, so I have to use QWERTY when I use those. I found that if I type by standing up, that's enough of a difference for my brain to recognize "I'm at a QWERTY keyboard" and I can type almost as fast on those.

I'm fondling my right titty with my left hand as I type this with my right hand.

can somebody explain to me what is so arousing about playing with your nipples? i've done it and i can't feel shit. there is no feeling whatsoever. none.

but here's something. as far as i've gotten accepting that i'm gay, coming out to my family and working the courage to taking bigger steps such as coming out to my friends, facebook and other things that i haven't done yet, the homophobia emerges sometimes. i cringe at the thought that i'm attracted to guys or at the thought that there's guys outthere being attracted to guys. i'm getting there BUT i feel as i haven't broke through yet. being closeted, in denial and trying to convince myself that i'm straight really did a fucking number on me.

then i realize that one day i'm going to be out, be openly gay, start dating, fucking and etc. it's like i can see myself doing it BUT at the same time, i have a huge knot in my stomach because i'm terrified. coming out was one thing BUT actually putting my thoughts and feelings in concrete as in i'm actually doing it instead of fantasizing about it is something else. i accept that i'm gay BUT i just haven't been able to get myself live it yet. it sucks that i wasn't born in 2006 where the attitudes towards homosexuality would be changing for the better where it wasn't a bad thing to be gay. i'm slowly warming up to the idea of dating or even having anal sex or oral BUT it's like there's a long way to go. a long way to go. i would freak out if i find myself in bed with another guy and etc even if i had a crush on him. it would be like "i like you and all but i haven't been able to shake off the weirdness i feel that i'm in love with another guy".

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry