Only the most loyal

I envy the Fan. S/he is not fickle. S/he has selective sight. S/he is devoted to the very end. S/he remains undeterred. For the Johnny Depp fan, these photos are no problem. S/he doesn’t notice that NO ONE should be attracted to a man in this outfit. NO ONE would be turned on by those pants.

WHY ARE THESE PANTS?!? WHY IS THIS ALL OF IT FROM HEAD TO TOE?

But the Johnny Depp fan isn’t bothered.

Is it blindness or positivity? Are they interchangeable?

Because when you’re not a fan, that sh-t is …well…what it is is another f-cking eyeroll from a man who seems to only elicit eyerolls now. But if I’m Vanessa Paradis? This actually looks good.

You know when you break up with someone how satisfying it feels when you see them again and they look like sh-t? No? Well then you must be Malala. Everyone other than Malala, the most kind, the most open-spirited, understands exactly what I mean.

Johnny Depp is making it EASY for Vanessa Paradis. SO EASY. And harder and harder for Amber Heard. She’s engaged to a 50 year old man who thinks he’s part Elvis part Johnny Cash and part Sitting Bull with a slice of Scotland in his voice and stuck in 1997. Fine then. Make her a superhero, give her a franchise, and spare this girl the next 10 years of her life, Jesus.