Thursday, January 17, 2013

BloodRayne: Third Reich

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

BloodRayne: The Third Reich – 1 out of 5

Yeah, Uwe Boll made a third one—and decided to be clever and have it deal with the Nazis. Get it? Third film, Third Reich.

"Put a dark cloak on the one Nazi. I want my viewers to know this man is evil." -Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll, the god of bad video game adaptations and possibly bad movies in general, made the incredibly uninspired adaptation of the mediocre video game BloodRayne, went on to make a Direct-to-DVD sequel that took place in the Old West and then came back in 2010 to do yet another Direct-to-DVD release where Rayne, the half-vampire/half-human/a whole lot of cleavage showing warrior take on Hitler’s little army—I don’t know if you’ve heard of them or not; the Nazis.

Apparently the 2nd film didn't contain enough boob meat.

There’s not much to the story. Rayne (Natassia Malthe) finds herself in German during dubya dubya two and is systematically killing the goose-steppers. After battling some of these dudes, a Commandant by the name of Ekart Brand (Michael Paré—who’s been in each movie playing a different character) ends up getting some of Rayne’s blood in his mouth and, after several hours of rinsing with mouth wash I imagine, discovered that he has gained some of the half-vamp/half-human/all boobs fighter’s powers. With the help of a vampire researcher (Hitler had those) named *sigh* Doctor Mangler (Clint Howard), Commandant Brand is out to get Rayne’s blood in order to turn Hitler and the entire army into half-vamp/half-human warriors—it was never made clear if the breasts would also make the transition to Hitler and the rest of the Nazis.

"Oh god, it got in my mouth!!! But the rack I'll get should make up for this discomfort."

The star of Rampage or as I call it: The Only Good MovieUwe Boll Made.

Like the other films (and all other Uwe Boll properties that aren’t Rampage—seriously, that movie is actually really good) this movie is just a plain piece of shit. It’s boring, poorly acted and much of its tacked on screen time (seriously, the plot and the story are only about 10 minutes long) comes off extremely laughable. For example, the absolutely needless lesbian sex scene between Rayne and a random naked chick that has no place in the movie other than for Boll to masturbate to while filming and throwing a bone to the only teenager in the world who doesn’t have access to the internet, a father who still keeps his skin mags and getting this at his local Wal-mart is his only refuge of seeing boobage.

Okay, Boll's not even being subtle anymore.

The only thing different than the previous Direct-to-DVD sequel and even the first film itself that was actually released in theaters, is the fact this film doesn’t actually look like a cheap Direct-to-DVD film. The presentation looks like there was some actual effort and expense put towards it…then you see the acting…

"You come here often?"

First off, it's not like the previous films didn’t showcase any truly great moments in acting. Whether it be the “I’m doing this for the paycheck” style that Zack Ward as Billy the Kid in the 2nd film and Ben Kingsley in the first film or the “Make sure my breasts are in shot and fuck acting” style showcased by Natassia Malthe who took over the role of Rayne from Kristanna Loken for this film and the previous one. There isn’t a single second of the film that shows off a single shred of what some would define—even in its most loosest of terms—acting. Even Clint Howard (Ron Howard’s brother who is possibly deformed) who has become known for being a great character actor due to his alien-like appearance does his best to bring an amateur feel to the film like he’s in a barnyard production. In fact, his terrible over-the-top performance is like something one would see from someone with a overinflated ego who’s been told his whole life that he can act but no one wants to be honest with him and inform him that they were either lying to him or just didn’t want to see him break down and cry (possibly wet himself) over the truth. If that’s the case and Clint is playing the part of a pretentious, ill-informed actor with a self-delusional idea of talent playing a role in a shitty movie than it could be argued that Clint Howards performance as the laughably named German scientist Doctor Mangler borders on brilliance. However, it seems more like he’s doing this film like Kingsley and Ward before him—in order to pay his bills and just plain doesn’t give a shit if it's good or not.

"And I jump the castle-looking thing...and KING ME!"

The only really remarkable thing that needs to be mentioned about BloodRayne: The Third Reich (and it’s not the fact that Uwe Boll’s batting record of creating shitty movies is nearly flawless) is the fact it was filmed simultaneously as another Boll film called Blubberella. This film utilizes the same actors and is a shot-for-shot satire of the third BloodRayne movie. Is Boll just fucking with us now? Making fun of a movie that is already a laughing stock? That’s like dividing by zero! Uwe Boll nearly destroyed all of reality with this endeavor.

Not the first time I think Clint Howard has been covered in the blood of another...the 80s were a strange time for him.

Did I mention that nearly all the actors who are German barely have a German accent? We can overlook that they are speaking English and not their native tongue (it’s a movie and those who watch Uwe Boll’s movies because they like them—I’m sure those type of people exist—and not because they really like bad movies like I do would quickly be turned off because they had to read subtitles and I’m sure those types think reading of any kind is for “fags.”). Amusingly, some try to do a German accent and succeed (but those are the ones who show off their boobies in the film and have lesbian sex with Rayne) but most try and fail in hilarious ways—to the point you literally are unable to distinguish what accent they really are attempting…others just say “fuck it” and do American accents.

The action is about as dead-on as the accents. Note how the breasts are stillthe focal point.

Like the previous two films, I did not expect greatness with the last installment of the BloodRayne franchise. I expected crap and true to Uwe Boll’s form he delivered it. Like the second one, this one also has some decent costumes and they didn’t look like cheap crap bought from a Walgreens moments before shooting started like they did in the first film. So, the film has that…and the fact it didn’t look as cheap as the last two movies. Besides that, it still is a typical huge piece of crap—a.k.a. a Uwe Boll film.

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About Me

I'm a geek, an atheist (who is also an ordained reverend), a peanut butter and jelly enthusiast, a man who shares the same name with a popular character from "Parks & Rec" and feels he can't live up to the awesomeness of the fictional character, was proudly banned from Reddit, an occasional Shakespearean performer, and a stand up comic.
Have any questions, recommendations or wanna share any theories on various movies? Email me at RevRonMovies@gmail.com and I'll talk about them on my new Q&A segment!