AFL Round 11: The Pre-Wrap

What a fortnight it’s been in Footy Wrappers. Hasn’t the word from the Oval Office been devastating? It’s hard to believe that the gormless incumbent could be …. well, more gormless. It’s not like he doesn’t have form. This has swung the spotlight onto the Westpac Centre at a very bad time for Carringbush. They’re battling with the change over from The Philosopher Coach to Coach Figjam, and they’re making a meal of it. Sure they’re in the count as far as wins go, but that miserable percentage is a bit of a give away. GAD will only carry you so far. In September you need class and consistency to make a Cakewalk of the Premiership.

Speaking of the Philosopher Coach, hands up those who felt his contribution – wading into Eddie in the name of the debate – was less than helpful? To the debate. That many eh? Hands up those who feel the Eddie Everywhere brand – by his unremorseful contrivances to squirm out of this one – has been damaged beyond redemption? C’mon, surely some of you have two hands up.

Then there are the basket weavers sitting up in the Longroom. They positively make our pollies look like a mob of Einsteins, don’t they? If the Melbourne Football Club was a company the receivers would be calling for tenders – and be ecstatic with 5¢ in the dollar. (If they called in the RSPCA Dr Wirth would be on the phone to the knackery – Ed) It’s as plain as the nose on the end of your face that the whole show’s a chaotic mess, but they seem to be in management paralysis around there. Maybe they’re waiting for everyone to get back from the snow. Who knows? (maybe they’re waiting for the white knight/golden handshake from the Ayatollah before they move – Ed)

No Nurelle, we’re nowhere near the steak knives yet. The Geisha has been put on six weeks sick leave and the number of free kicks per round has halved. No second prizes for guessing which rules have been overlooked. The amount of blatant holding that is ignored and the number of not-so-sly throws that are passed over would make a huge contribution to those stats. Where we go from here is anybody’s guess, but it’s sure speeding up the game. And now that the life threatening physicality has been reduced by the MRP, the Competition at The Highest Level is becoming more like a football version of the big bash. It’s OK in one sided matches – the wayward umpiring – of which we’re starting to get a disturbing number BTW – but it has to be said – and I think you know what’s coming – it’s going to cost someone a Premiership one day. The VFL & The Ammos are looking more & more inviting to lovers of what Our Great Game stands for, eh?

Then there’s the Fevola Medal count. Gay Waterhouse’s young lad has moved Eddie Everywhere closer to the top of the call, but there’s no taking it away from Jellymont House; the Chief Executive Officer of the Appalling Football League is so far in the red he’s almost unbackable. The above issues- plus the unresolved Melrose Drive Scandal & the aftermath of the re-opened Melbourne tanking inquiry – has not only happened on his watch, but has received, by omission, his blessing. Chuck in the rumoured Buddy Poaching by GWS and you can see why anyone holding a chit on him from early in the season, when he was still in the black, has a bankable commodity.

I hear what you’re say Ed, and your perfectly correct; he has declared, with his hand over where a normal person’s heart is positioned, that there has been no discussion with GWS or Coach Mumbles about an ambassadorial role for Young Franklin. Then in the next breath said that however, should Buddy choose to move his gear up to Breakfast Point, he’d look at the value of elevate him to the vacant Israel Falou’s position, based on the merits of the situation. Now that’s what I call getting your ethics from a Weeties packet.

On a brighter note for SOTG and the Long Suffering Arden Street & Punt Road Faithful there’s the resurgence of their respective sides. North’s total demolition of The Hapless Eel Race Road Seagulls must have been heartening to bewildered Shinboner Faithful round the Globe. Sadly, their costly lapses so far this season may resign them to Glorious Ninth.

The Striped Marvels on the other hand have got themselves into The Eight and in a position to launch a September To Remember Campaign. SOTG may well say that the outcome in Perth last Monday told us more about The Wedgies than The Tigers, but the clinical way in which they dismantled The Coasters long kicking high marking game and went on to lay on nine unanswered goals, if carried out by say Hawthorn or Sydney, would have been dubbed awesome. And they did it over in Perth after being belted by Arch Rivals Essendon the week before.

Robbie Flower Medal update. Ex-Essendon board member Beverly Knight feels the Ayatollah & his devotees at the Appalling Football League are more concerned with mitigating the deeds of mates than preserving the code’s integrity. (I think there’s an inquiry into the very same thing going in the minor religions around the country right now – Ed) I wouldn’t know about that Ed. All I know is that Young Beverly is the clubhouse leader in the Robbie Flower Medal at this stage. For the record, she left the Essendon board in 2010 (?). Her CV includes calling the Great Helmsman to task for his wishy-washy performance in the Tricky Nixon/St Kilda Schoolgirl scandal (?), and having to deal with a McGuire hosted Footy Show that applauded a misogynist vilification of one of her staff by the 300-game cretin that passes for comedy on that regrettable program (?).

But enough of my gabbin’. We’ve covered Richmond’s break through win in the West haven’t we? So let’s see who’s going to be on their way to Heaven after Round XI

The Same Old Syringesv The Miseries at THOF to raise the curtain on this first of the three Restful Rounds. Don’t you just love it when these two get into the ring together. This event is no different. The Bombers are flying and have unwrapped another of their secret weapons. This time in the form of Big Joe Daniher. They’ve been spruiking BJD for some time now, and the teenager gets his chance against Traditional Rivals Caaarlton tonight. They’ve dropped Bellchambers & Jetta and lost Bumbleton & Dempsey to injury. Along with BJD, they’ve brought in Hurley, Davey & Howlett. The Bluebaggers have dropped Menzell, Bootsma & Bell to make way for the rested Juddanaught, The Hon Edward L Betts & Lucas. It’s not as straightforward as it looks this one. And it’s a massive Eigt Pointer for a Top Four Spot. The Miseries started the season with three losses on the trot but have only dropped one since – that costly mistake against The Feeling Faints. Their demolition of The Orangemen last week was ruthless. Wallsie’s talking Flag and they’re playing convincing Football. The Gliders, on the other hand, after starting off like a German band, have dropped three of their last four. True, Geelong & Sydney could be passed off as expected, but they looked far from convincing in both encounters. Brissy under cover was not expected, and they looked anything but convincing that night. True, they rebounded against their perennial whipping boy the next week, but history may show that they were lucky to catch The Striped Marvels on an off night. Ward Rooney has us in for a miserable sort of day, the sort of day you’d like to skip the milking & the feeding and read a book by the fire. (Or watch the replay of Richmond’s come from behind win over in Perth? – Ed) If it doesn’t clear up by tonight the question would have to be: is it going to advantage the nifty Silvertail smalls or the pumped up Essendon freaks? We’re going to say The Honourable Eddie and his crew are going to have too much balance & poise for Essendon’s Heavy Bombers, but for goodness sake, don’t take our word for it. If you’re going to invest – toss a coin. (Not going for the draw Wrap, as you usually do when cowardice gets the better of you? – Ed)

The Handbags v The Greater Western Upstarts down at Sleepy Hollow for the early one on the Saturday. They need something to pick them up down there at the Bottom End of The Bay. It won’t put bread on the table but it should take the edge off the tummy growls. Geelong in a boring one-sided encounter that will at least tell us how the new surface at Corio Oval will hold up in wet conditions. (Presuming The Pussies break into anything more vigorous than a canter – Ed)

The Pride of South Australiav The Sin City Rollers in the Shadows of Mount Lofty in the gathering gloom. The Chardonnays have been underwhelming his year. They came from nowhere to snatch victory from The Crumbling Kangas a fortnight ago, but Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs are doing that this season. They may have been stiff against Freo, but it would be fair to say The Dockers have been lucky a few times this time around. (As in GDTWTCO – Ed) Steak & Kidney have only been beaten by their betters – and coughed up a draw against the afore mentioned Barry Crockers. At the end of the day it’s Thompson & Dangerfield v The Bloods. We’re thinking The Bloods in this one. The Bagmen have The Sydneysiders at $1.53, which we feel is outrageously generous of them. With the Bourse in free fall you could do a lot worse.

The Metricon Metermaids v The Shinboners up at Wally World on Saturday night. Look, it has to be The Boners this time. True, the Sunbeams have thrown down to gauntlet to anyone who dares to board the Metricon Ride, but surely Boomer and The Roos can hold it together to beat what really is not much more than a mob of very talented kids led by the Hooped Piper of Sleepy Hollow. Toddy Goldstein should give The Northerners first use of the ball and set them up for a tough, well-fought win.

The Eel Race Road Seagulls v The Tattered Weagles under cover in the gathering gloom of Sunday evening. This is a real toughie. The Tiges made the Wedgie Tailed Wonders look like a flock of budgerigars last Monday, to knock them out of The Eight. Apart from The Imploding Kangaroos, they’ve beaten no one this year. They’ve lost La Cras & Glass – arguably two of their most crucial players. Never mind the rebound, they’re finding hard enough to find enough feathers to get off the ground. The Feeling Faints on the other hand are winless & friendless. They’ve shown glimpses of form, but have lost that winning feeling. You know, if they had Lenny Hayes leading them out they’d be half a chance. But under cover, with all the high marking big guns The Weagles have to call on, it’s got to be West Coast. But at $1.37? Nor even with periwinkle caps.

The Remains of The Redlegs v Carringbush on The People’s Ground for a latish start on the Birthday of Our Most Gracious Monarch. Figjam & The Boys won’t be spending any time contemplating the self-created predicament of their opponents in this one. They have enough problems of their own. The Dees will be pumped, but you can only inflate a shredded inner tube so much. The numbers that the Appalling Football League & their media mates will be monitoring will be the number of times the turnstiles click. Only a tick over 28K of the paid Up Proud & Passionate turned up last week to watch Hawthorn’s training drill against The Wretched Redlegs. (The Hawks get more than that at training before a Grand Final – Ed) If Carringbush, with 70 odd thousand members can only fill a couple of bays at The G it it’s going to send a warning shudder down the collective spine of the gnomes buried deep in the bowels of Jellymont House. (Are you saying it’s the signal they’ve been waiting for around at Jellymont House Wrap? – Ed)

The rest of the tribes are having a wee rest this round, including Richmond, after their famous Victory over the Red Hot Pre-season Premiership Favourites of at Fortress Sooby.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

As the days draw in and the overcast deepens, let’s consider some words uttered by those who came before us – Adam Lindsay Gordon & Banjo Patterson. One helped opened our country, the other our imagination.

Life is mostly froth and bubble,

?Two things stand like stone,

?Kindness in another’s trouble,

?Courage in your own.

He sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,

And at night the wond’rous glory of the everlasting stars.

And here’s a birthday joke for young Edward McGuire of Broadmeadows. Eddie turns 12 today boys & girls, and I’m sure you’ll all join us in wishing him a happy birthday. Uncle Alan Mac has left you a special present under the pillow Eddie. I’m sure we won’t spoil the surprise by telling you it’s a personally autographed photograph taken when uncle Alan ran things – in a manner of speaking – at Victoria Park last century.

Four Collingwood supporters were in a bar having a celebration. They were ordering VBs and tossing them down like there was no tomorrow. They were slapping each other on the back and calling each other professor. They were causing quite a stir so the barman asked why such a celebration.

“We’ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took 2 months!” said the one in the gold lamé jacket.

“Two months!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!!”

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

I stand corrected Kath. Am I to take it that I’m speaking with an honest to goodness, dinky di, fair dinkum Orange Woman? If I am I’m honoured.

How are you all taking to it up there? I watched Sydney warm to the One True Code when Tony Lockett went up there – even before they became a genuine powerhouse. I wish you luck, not so much for Round XI 2013 – but for all that is to come.

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