Shark Week lacks bite

I think it’s high time the Discovery Channel retired
Shark
Week in favor of other terrors

.
Sharks don’t even appear on most lists of Top 10 phobias. I think that’s because even people
with irrational fears understand that sharks are fairly easy to avoid. There aren’t too many people
who have to surf the coast of South Africa to get to work.

If I were a Discovery Channel executive, I’d inspect the phobia list and immediately order
episodes to be made of the following shows:

Big Hairy Spider Week

You could stick a 16-foot great white shark into a tank of water and drive it around town and
provoke as much fascination as you would fear.

Fill that same tank with some hefty tarantulas and you could probably clear out entire
neighborhoods.

I’m talking visceral reaction here. From a rational standpoint, people really should be more
frightened by subterranean termites, which look harmless but will eat a house.

Public Speaking Week

Poll after poll has shown that speaking in front of a crowd ranks at or near the top of the
fear list. Discovery ought to assemble a montage of mixed-up Power Point Slides, malfunctioning
microphones and post-joke silence to remind people of how much can go wrong when called up to the
podium.

Claustrophobia Week

Combine scary music with scenes of people being slid into MRI machines and watch the terror
begin.

Flu Shot Week

Rolled up sleeves and big needles: Anyone who has ever felt a damp cotton ball on their upper
arm will start having flashbacks.

Airplane Week

In some ways, I think this is the strongest contender.

First, you have the natural apprehension that goes with flying 600 miles an hour in a metal
tube. True, most people console themselves with statistics about how safe it is. But even though
that part of it almost always goes well, what about the lost luggage, screaming babies and inhumane
leg space?