Sarah Homewood

I was in our car on the side of the road when I was told my father had committed suicide. “Oh my God,” I said. “Oh my God.” Then, I cried.

My mother broke the news. We held hands. Even though she was driving, she never let go the whole way home.

It’s impossible not to think of that moment today.

The second Thursday in September, for the past four years has been dedicated to R U OK Day – a day for Australians to ask each other if they are okay, and to encourage people to really listen to the answer.

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The initiative was founded by Gavin Larkin in 2009 after experiencing the suicide death of his father, Barry Larkin.

Gavin, who has since passed away, wanted to create a world without suicide. After losing my father in the same way, I agree.

My father Cameron Homewood was strong, successful and not afraid to chase what he wanted. But something took control of him; something all his life’s successes couldn’t help him through.

His disease created a darkness that engulfed him for the inside out, changing how he felt on the inside, and how he looked on the outside. His cheeks began to hollow, his hair was dull and lifeless. He had lost more than 10kg. The vibrant man I was lucky enough to call my dad disappeared over eight months.

We were always friends. Being young at heart, he wasn’t the disciplinary type. He was, however, a little headstrong which is something I can claim as hereditary. I could get away with anything. I was daddy’s little girl.

Suicide is the leading cause of death in Australia for men under 44 and women under 34. According to the most recent Australian data (ABS, Causes of Death, 2009) 2123 Australians died due to suicide that year. That equates to six deaths by suicide a day, or one every four hours.

For every completed suicide it is estimated that as many as 30 people attempt. That’s 180 attempts per day, meaning there is more than one new attempt in Australia, every 10 minutes.

On August 8, 2011, my father too became a statistic, overwhelmed by a sadness he thought would never end. He confided in me, begging his then-19-year-old daughter – an only child – to keep it secret. He feared his illness would be exposed, and he didn’t want the world to know.

He told me that at that time he truly believed that if he spoke about his feelings he would never recover because his inner-pain would be visible to all.

We spoke daily, and when I realised things were becoming serious, I begged him to get help. He checked in to a clinic, and checked out three days later. After another month and despite medication and all the support we could offer, he ended his own battle.

My father was struggling with life’s pressures. I doubt he thought it was depression. Regardless, he had problems he felt were impossible to overcome.

Two years later, I feel I can share my darkest memories publicly. I’m terrified. I, like my father, am worried I’ll be exposed. I’m concerned about the way people might react.

But I can do something my father’s illness didn’t allow him to do. I can say that my father suffered from a kind of depression which makes it impossible for a person to be themselves – a kind of depression which caused him to take his own life.

My fear comes with a feeling of honour, that I can share the story of a man I dearly loved. In doing so, I can confidently say to others that there is no shame in turning to those they love, and ask: “Are you really OK?”

Support is available for anyone who may be distressed by phoning Lifeline 131 114.

32 comments

Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

Commenter

Cherie

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 2:56AM

Thank you for sharing your story. This organisation has helped so many people and shall continue to grow internationally. Three little words Are U OK? mean so much simply validated to another that they are special for someone to ask after their well being. I encourage all Australians to do the same Are U OK?

Commenter

mimi

Location

sydney

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 2:03PM

Thank you so much for your generosity in sharing such desperate and tender thoughts. These kinds of stories are life saving for some people, both in understanding they are not alone - and asking the question when they have a concern for their loved ones.

Commenter

tt

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 4:05PM

There's a lot of blokes out there shadowed by the black dog - a couple of beers and a chat inclusive of "someone else going first" usually flushes it out. I can thoroughly recommend exercise and diet as key management tools in keeping depression at bay.

PS: what cruel bastard came up with anti-depressants that make you temporarily impotent? You're already depressed - no ones going to cop that on top.

Commenter

Beentheredonethatgotthetshirt

Location

Brisbane

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 3:03AM

I know what you mean. It was hard enough talking to the doctor about depression the first time to get the SSRI script but to have to go back and then talk about erectile problems.... That was over 5 months ago and I 've been on on a rollercoast of medications since. But then about a month back she suggested I try a pharmaceutical grade st johns wort called Seroplus. Must say i was originally skeptical but did some research and have now been on it for over 3 weeks. Early days yet but my mood is getting better and i havent had any problems down there. and no headaches now that I think of it. I bought it online

Sarah, thank you for the article. It certainly helps me keep things in perspective - i have a young family

Commenter

Lewis42

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 2:08PM

Warning to all. Check especially those that have been made redundant over the last year. It is a soul destroying thing that happens to you and it requires an inner strength to overcome it but if disease takes hold watch them closely and get help. This is the hidden price we pay for throwing people, especially 50 year old men on the scrap heap of life with no prospects of a job until you retire. Too many of us are defined by our job. I'm OK. RU OK?

Commenter

CrustyPete

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 6:53AM

Make sure your sons are ok. So many suffer shocking anxiety that often displays as irritability, even anger. Maybe girls do as well, I haven't had that experience. And lets get out of this idea that everything is bad in the world..if you watched the news everynight thats what you'd be thinking. So many people are good and kind, they just don't get much air time. We need to be gracious, grateful and put out the hand of friendship. And we have to give someone a hug and ask are you really okay?

Commenter

libby

Location

brisbane

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 7:47AM

As a woman who is currently dealing with depression and anxiety, yes, it certainly does show as irritability and anger (although everyone's symptoms are different).

Commenter

BecD

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 4:56PM

After two bouts myself and a year spent supporting my son through various institutions for a year I understand the pain. We are all well now however I have learnt to speak out openly when I sense someone is suffering so they can tell their story and I may be able to encourage them.

RU OK is a great initiative.

Commenter

Grumpy

Location

Wahroonga

Date and time

September 12, 2013, 9:14AM

The Departed ,the Scorcese flick on tele the other night explains it all in just the alpha and the omega, a picture paints a story,but ommisions create false impressions.The movie lays guilt at Heavens door, as so many films now are made to do, to point the blame ,to accuse the wrongdoer of being the King,when in truth the aim is to liberate the messenger from the burden of Truth ,of Love and set them free to reign in the reason ,as they choose.A slow train coming,carrying the cargo of old,having shed the new.