For those of you who don't know, my Mom was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer a couple months ago. It has spread to the hip bone and the diagnosis was a shock. She had no lung symptoms/warnings at all. It all surfaced with her hip pain. Long story short, doctors screwed up on the first MRI of her hip and months went by as the tumor in the bone (and lung) grew.

I knew when we found out, that the prognosis for stage IV is not good; or hopeful.

Her oncologist about a month ago (after she had done a few weeks of radiation on her hip) made a referral to see a lung surgeon for the mass in her lung and a surgeon to operate on her hip. She met with the lung surgeon on Wednesday and he told her the mass in her lung is too large. He said she would have to undergo more radiation and chemo and then he would review if it shrunk enough; in about 6 months. I was devastated. I am still in such a fog, but on Wednesday, it really sank in that my Mom is going to die The realization is killing me and I honestly don't know how to survive this.

Bf was really helpful yesterday; we went to the park with blanket and cooler and read books, talked and the weather was perfect. So that soothed me. Then we got home and sat out on the deck and played a game of crib, which also helped.

I am going to need him bigtime through this. I know it's going to be good days and bad because the depression can intensify so fast. Even between moments yesterday, the pain inside of me was so bad I wanted to just.....you know....

I am scared, terrified actually. I have no appetite, and feel sick to my stomach almost around the clock. Panic attacks are daily. I called pdoc at the beginning of the week to get in sooner than next week, but have not heard back.

I am sorry you are going through this now! Do everything you can to love her, tell her you love her, and to make happy memories you will cherish. Enjoy every minute that she is still with you. Make every moment count!

I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say to you, but all I can say is that I'm thinking of you and sending you the most positive vibes possible. You are indeed going through the most difficult of times, and your reactions are completely normal (whatever that may be, of course ;-) ). You're reaching out for help, which is so wise. In times of difficulty and suffering, we need to reach out for the help of others, and this is exactly what you're doing. Your behavior is exemplary. Even if you weren't suffering from BP, you'd be going through heavy situational depression.

Keep on doing what you're doing. BF sounds like he's being an enormous help. Lean on friends and siblings. See your therapist as often as you can. Be with your mother as much as you can, and be sure to tell her how much she means to you. Build good memories with her. And keep writing in to this board. And know that we're all thinking of you.

Thanks guys. I am having a panic attack right now, but took some Clonazepam...just waiting for it to kick in. Bf is not in a good mood today and my car is broken, so if we get into fights, which I am sure is going to happen, its not like I can go anywhere....

That is where the anixety is coming from. Among all the other stress.

Bf was so amazing in support the other day.....But I know he is going to have hard days with all of this as well, especially since the depression is so bad.

I am not able to be with Mom this weekend since the car is broken and wont be fixed until later this week. So it looks like I will have to wait until next weekend to see her.

I am trying really hard to breathe. It is hard. The biggest thing is trying to keep myself busy...Reading is really difficult. Anyway, I will be spending time outside in the sun today, so that is a plus.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts, and support. I am sorry I am not being responsive to othe posts right now, hopefully later today.Mogs

I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for both you and your mom.

I know that this is hard. I lost my first husband to lung cancer. But we spent as much time together as we could. Is there a way you could get a ride to your mom's from a friend? I know how badly you want to see her. But take this time to relax and reflect. Give her a call and let her know that you are thinking of her. She will appreciate that.

Hey Mogs, sorry about the whole thing. I am sending you some extra large HUGS and lots of mental support. This will take alot out of you so you have to gear up for a long, drawn out battle. It all starts with taking care of yourself first. As we say in the fire service, "you can't help anyone if you are dead"

I'm sure your mom is comforted she has such a great daughter who cares the world for her.

Good luck lady, we are here for you.

Bill

"If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"

"It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself." Happy Bill

Thanks guys. Karen, you have mentioned your loss to me before, and I just want to express my empathy. You are such a great support so many people, I admire your strength.

Bill, you are absolutely right. I do have to take care of myself. So far I am not doing that. Not eating well, or often. My appetite is gone because I am feeling such nausea most of the time. As I am right now.

It's Sunday morning; I didn't sleep in. All I feel like doing right now is sleeping. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to think about my Mom. I don't want to deal with bf; I'm too on edge today. Unless bf is in a good mood and is comforting to be around...then that's different. Yesterday he wasn't too happy.

Deeply depressed doesn't begin to describe where I am at. I would call crisis, but honestly I don't feel there is anything they can do or say. I don't want to be awake today at all. I don't want to go through this day. I just want to sleep....................

Guys, I am scared, I can`t do this...I really can`t .................Reading this, you guys know where my head is at. It`s just thoughts, but it`s so hard; I`m in so much pain.

Mogs,may I suggest a cup of chamomile tea? if you really don't want to be awake today, go back to bed. put on a movie and just cuddle up with some blankets and maybe your boyfriend. you don't have to deal with everything all at once, just step back from the situation. maybe give your mom a call,i'm sure she would love to hear from you. the smallest conversations should matter now because you might not be able to have them much longer.

best wishes on feeling better. please take care of yourself, things will get better. you have to remember that."crazy" french girl with bipolar II

I have to say, you guys made me laugh with your unanimous "stay in bed" thoughts. I of course, have been doing laundry and crocheting (trying to finish my afghan for my Mom to see). I really agreed with your thoughts of just spending that time in bed, and it's only 3pm so I may take a nap shortly....It just made me laugh "out loud" that you all thought the same thing! So thank you for the laugh.

We sure do know each other and what our needs are. Before you all even posted for me to just take it easy, I said the same thing to myself. And laundry, although a task, sometimes just makes me feel better (weird I know).

What I really want is to be outside today but the weather outside is beyond hot and humid. One of those heat waves that you just really aren't comfortable to sit outside; and of course to watch those meds in the sun!

So I am in the house in the central air. I really do count my blessings. I recall being in college and not having air conditioning and the summers in the city being so hot...I remember Mogli (my cat) was just a little kitten and I felt so bad for the heat in our apartment.

It truly is moment to moment for me right now. Just a few minutes ago, I was feeling extremely untsable, as I was this morning, and now after taking a clonazepam and drinking water, having a few slices of cheese with crackers....I am able to cope.

Bf has been drinking today. He does that on the weekends; and I like to as well, sometimes. Not to get drunk, but to unwind. It's hard when he does, because that makes me want to have a glass of wine....But I have been trying my best to be strict with myself about it because right now it needs to be zero tolerance.

I have a pdoc appointment this Wednesday and counselling later that day as well. It is NEEDED! Pdoc is going to have to do something about this depression. The Mirapex is not helping at all. And since it was so recent that I cycled on the last antidepressant, that won't be an option. So I'll have to research another option, although I have tried EVERYTHING. Topamax, Abilify, Seroquel, Risperidone, ....my mind just went blank. The only med I have not tried is Lithium and I just draw the line with that one.

Anyway, thanks again for reading. I am glad I am better for the moment. Here is my thoughts are cycling: I am usually greatful for it because the ups are a break from the lows.

I will try the tea tonight for sure. And thank you all for the hugs and prayers. It means a lot.

Keep it up mogs, you will get there. Once you get yourself centered then you will have all the strenght you need to help your mom. Count your blessings now, even the little ones. SOmetimes that helps me drive awa the depressions when they come. As for staying in bed all day, well that could be fun with the right company . LOL LOLL LOL

Hope you are feeling better.

Bill

"If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"

"It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself." Happy Bill

You all have been so wonderful, to no surprise. Each day I come on here and read responses to this thread, I am comforted.

Haha Bill re the company in bed, but we know how that's going for me these days, or rather "not" going for me LOL

Tortoise-no exercise? I find that surprising. What was his/her theory behind that? I am curious....

Depression still hanging on. At work today

But I would rather be here today. Bf really was awful yesterday. It did not help me at all. He is angry over us being short on cash. It frustrates me because I do everything I can to not spend money; I actually haven't bought anything for myself for almost two months, which is 4 pay cheques! I've just been paying bills, credit card, rent, groceries. I take my lunch; I haven't gone out for lunch in weeks!! So it's hard for me to not take it personally when I have been doing the right things!

Anyway, had a good talk with my one pdoc that I work for. She has been my biggest supporter with Mom. I told her of my bp today; I know it was okay to do. She is so trusting and professional, and so very kind. She just keeps insisting that I take time off work and I wanted her to know that at times it helps me to be here and if I do take days, then my mental health would be the reason. I have not shared my dx with an employer in over 8 years. I do not feel at all this would ever jeopordize my career. People can say b/c she is a pdoc she may look at all the little things I do and use them against me, but honestly, I am here at work everyday, she holds me in the highest regard as I keep her life organized here at work. I know she knows who I am by now and it felt good to share this with her. I have not shared this with the other two pdocs I work for and I don't suspect I will. I have a close relationship with the other one.

Take care, I have a pdoc appt Wednesday....had no success of getting the appt moved up.

The reasoning is to minimize adrenal production of adrenaline. She also says that when you have anxiety/panic, to do a short INTENSE burst of physical activity. Like run up and down a flight of stairs as fast as you can. It can end a panic attack in 3 minutes. I can't explain why, but once a panic attack starts, it takes at least 3 minutes to stop it.Bipolar 2