What am I?

I have a deep and severe depression, I have been bullied, abandoned, and abused my whole life.

My friends have ego, they get mad when I criticize their works and art. But I am a Sherlock Holmes, I am blunt, I am autist, I only speak things as I see it, I have no ego filter often times.

So last night I "embraced the void" as I hate light during those times, I must shut off all lights in the home as I imagine myself becoming nothing but darkness. I lay on the bed but it puts stress on my neck, interrupting my void calling. I then laid on the couch, closing my eyes seeing the multicolor spectacle dancing around inside my own mind.

I started to focus, on the sweet embrace of lady death. I started to ask, "What am I"? I realized my fate was sealed and inevitable, like everyone else, I would die. This filled me with relief, awe, and peaceful wonder. I asked "What am I?" "What am I?" And I started to study or focus on what I was. "I am nothing" I am nothing I said and repeated and smiled, I am nothing. I said minus the personality, memories and bs, what am I? I asked "Am I a field. a Consciosness field." "Am I a Spirit?" "Am I Love?"

Well the answer is I have no idea. But I believe every human being ought to do this ritual of escaping their ego, and truly focusing on their own death and What they truly are. only then can Truth be found.

Rituals are full of symbolism. I try to ditch them. Check your vocabulary. Look at the nouns and verbs. Most of what you think has been taught to you. A bunch of what you know is wrong, or a lie. I look at clothing. I have a distrust of people in suits and ties. When I see the ritual religious 'processions' of people wearing white and gold robes and funny hats (this is done world wide in some of the poorest countries of the world), I have to wonder who do they think they are? The people around them have nothing.

Ok, so what are you? It's easy, and you can use a low tech device to find out. It's called a mirror. Just give it a glance. That's how people see you. Record your voice. That's how people hear you. Clap your hands. That's you being expressive. Eat something. That's you fulfilling your need for food. Do it in front of a mirror if you want. I describe myself as a super-microorganism with a brain that thinks, and a mouth that speaks. It has ears and eyes. My brain is really complex, so sometimes I am alert and focused, and sometimes I am tired and blurry.

It's good to know some things; the difference between bad and wrong, and the difference between good and right. It's good to know what you hold to be true (your beliefs). Do you have evidence, or is do you hold it to be true on faith. Your truth and trust should be closely investigated. You should be in touch with your feelings, and be able to name them. You should know what life is, and what it does in common with all other life. It survives and procreates. It may 'know' things even without a brain. Plants, for example, react to being eaten by insects, open when the sun is out, and close when the sun goes down. Behavior is something that life does. Mind is something the brain does.

You have more in common with life than with anything else in the universe. Being 'one' with the universe is a nice thought, but really most of the universe is not habitable for life. On the other hand, being 'one' with life is your current status, and it's good. First, stop focusing on yourself, and focus on the richness of life itself. Say hello to the plants and animals around you. Take care though, life can be dangerous. When you are a little more grounded in your place in life say hello to mammals at the zoo, and then to people. The nice thing about life is it gives back. You can say hello to a plant, or good morning, and you immediately feel somehow connected, and it might even make you feel good. So let it.

It's also good to know what you can affect, and think about whether or not you may have control over something. There are just a ton of things in life over which a person has no control. Sometimes it's helpful to think about your circumstances, and what you can control, and what battles are worth fighting. Also know that people are far from being either good or bad. People operate in a range between both. Sometimes they succeed. Sometimes they fail. Sometimes they are good, and sometimes not. Among the billions of people there are going to be people more rich than you, and more poor than you. There are people who are kinder, and people who are meaner. Sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes good things happen. That's just the life that we all live.

You don't need to know a lot to enjoy life. Even the very simplest life can be amazing. Ok, so then. As you probably know depression usually results from a chemical imbalance in the brain, or a brain injury. Try not to wallow in it. Don't milk it. Try not to make it your home. Don't feel comfortable with it. It's a physical and mental malady, but certainly not the worst that could be for you.

Sometimes life is just what you make of it. Try to take a more forgiving attitude toward yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy what you can. Know that there is joy in good work (grandma told me that, and I found it). Personally, I don't share your appreciation of death. It's doesn't last long, and often it isn't pleasant. It is what it is, and I don't like it. Lots of my family and friends have died, some in my arms. So I have no liking of it. It holds nothing of value to me. It's just the end of life. That is sad, and it doesn't feel good at all. On the other hand, you don't have to come to terms with life. It's there for you. Thanks for sharing.

Ok, so what are you? It's easy, and you can use a low tech device to find out. It's called a mirror.

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I am not my body. Don't you watch Keanu Reeves movies?

If anything, you could argue that I am my brain, but that's as far as I'm letting you go. And even that is hard to prove because, I look at pictures of these molecules responsible for my happiness, and I say, "how could that be me?" And how can these random molecules make me feel so good?

That's debatable. It could be said that - that is ALL that you are. I think at this moment that I am my body, and that is all that I am - nothing more. I've also been told many times "It's all in your head." There's a lot of truth to that. Even if you embark on a metaphysical discussion about your existence the body is a good starting point for understanding and change.