1901
Australia becomes a self-governing dominion. Not that the rest of the world cares, but
this is around about the first time we've got even a mention in this history thing, so
live with it.
Queen Victoria karks it. Several pall bearers are squashed while trying to get the coffin
out of the hearse.

(NB: Can anyone tell me how to spell "karks it", meaning "dies"?
I can't find it in the dictionary)

1904-5
Russia has a tiff with Japan over Chinese territories. It occurs to neither of them that
the Chinese should have the land. Russia is forced to make peace after millions of
Japanese Mario Brothers characters attack, throwing flaming barrels, girders and wild
snapjaws at their enemies.

1907
Two power blocs form in Europe. No-one can quite work out where the k disappeared from the
word "blocs", but the two sides are Germany and Austria, and Britain France and
Russia.

1910
Union of South Africa forms, taking in the Cape of Good Hope, Natal, Orange Free State,
the Transvaal, and the shitty bits in the middle where the Blacks are made to live.

1911
Germany sends a warship to Agadir, in an attempt to stop the French penetration of
Morocco. Gee, no wonder these Frenchies have such a randy reputation.

1912-13
Two Balkan wars result in the expulsion of Turkey from Europe. Ummm.. Pardon? Sorry
Turkey, but you're being removed from this particular continent. Yes, you'll be an island
from June onwards. Yes, we call it artificial continental drift.
Britain introduces an Irish Home Rule Bill which nearly leads to civil war in Ireland.
They decide to try again later.

1914
In that most peaceful of European cities, Sarajevo, the heir to the Austrian throne is
assassinated, setting off World War I.
The Germans sweep through neutral Belgium, giving it the first good cleaning in a century,
and find Grandma's gold ring under a rug. They are halted only a few miles from Paris,
when they realise they didn't bring change for the Metro. By October, the Allies have
fought back, and the struggle turns to trench warfare.
Meanwhile, in a country not far away, the Russians arrive at the Prussian border, and
attempt to remove the Ps from all the border signs.

1915
Both sides make costly attempts to break though, without success. On the Eastern Front,
the Germans push the Russians back. Both sides start sending in heavily disguised spies,
most of them dressed in overcoats. This becomes known as trenchcoat warfare.
Turkey, fighting with Germany (I think that means fighting with, not fighting with),
tries to cut the Suez canal, but fails because it is impossible to cut water. The Brits
fail to open communications with Russia through the Black Sea by forcing the Dardanelles
and landing troops (mostly other people's) on the Gallipoli peninsula. (Insert damning
criticism of British military and heart-felt praise for Australian and New Zealand army
here. Well, it was ANZAC day when I wrote this, you know.)

1916
Trench warfare continues with huge losses on both sides. The Germans and British have a
sea-battle off Legoland, the Germans having their botties soundly smacked. The Arabs,
helped by Peter O'Toole, rebel against the Turks.

1917
Anti-war feeling in Russia leads to the overthrow of the Czar. The provisional
government's attempt to continue the war enables Lenin and the Bolsheviks to seize power.
(Insert Beatles and Marx Brothers jokes here.)
In April, the USA, under pressure from CNN to help increase its ratings, declares war.
While the Allies welcome the American help, they tell the USA to be on time next time, or
they won't be given dessert.

1918
The Germans launch their final offensive, but fail to break through. The Allies
counter-attack, and the Germans sue for armistice in November. Germany becomes a republic,
promising never ever ever to do it again.

1919
Diplomats world-over rejoice. They've never had so much work to do. Most of Europe is
renegotiated and reorganised after the war, creating Czechoslovakia, the Rugby League of
Nations and the break-up of the Ottoman empire.

1922
Mussolini becomes head of the Italian government, and manages to stay in power a lot
longer than any post-1945 government. But then, they weren't fascist dictatorships. Maybe
Mussolini was asked to step-down after the usual two weeks, and he said "No! Fuck
off! I'm busy making the trains run on time!"

1924
Lenin is astonished to see that his death is scheduled on one of Stalin's five year plans,
and dies. Stalin emerges as his successor and sets out to make Russia a great industrial
power, later best known for the reliability of its cars and nuclear power plants.

1929
Economists realise they haven't had a really good depression since around 1720. They get
together for a drink, get really blotto, and take the sharemarket out on the highway,
crashing it immediately.

1933
Former odd-job man Schicklgruber Jr, better known to the world as Adolf Hitler, is
appointed Chancellor in Germany. Oops. And with the job he gets free boxes of matches.
Double oops. The Reichstag burns down, and he suppresses all opposition and makes himself
dictator. Triple oops. Just goes to show: If there's one thing more dangerous than a
complete lunatic, it's a complete lunatic as Chancellor.

1935
Hitler denounces the terms of the Versailles Treaty limiting the size of the German armed
forces. He then heads down to the gym to build up his armies. Arr, arr, arr. Slap thigh.
(It's around about here that I'd mention Hitler's attempted genocide of the Jews. But it
doesn't get laughs.)

1936-9
A military rising against the left-wing government in Spain leads to the outbreak of the
Spanish Civil War. "Outbreak" of war. Makes it sound like pimples, doesn't it.
The war ends in 1939 when General Franco takes power. Just time for a commercial break
before WW2.

1938
Hitler occupies Austria and claims the Sudetenland in Czechoslovakia. The rest of Europe
tries out a new concept called "appeasement". The theory is that if they give
Hitler what he wants, he won't want any more. So they agree to let Germany have the
Sudetenland. Hitler promises he won't take any more of Czechoslovakia. Cross his heart and
hope to die.

1939
Hitler seizes the rest of Czechoslovakia. The rest of Europe says "Ummm.. well,
that's okay, but don't do anything else. Please. Otherwise we may have to declare that
you're a naughty boy."
Hitler says "Yeah. Sure." Well, the German equivalent, anyway.
When Germany invades Poland, Britain and France finally cotton onto the fact that
appeasement is crap. They declare war. The Second World War begins.
The Second World War gets under way, with major teams lining up to call each other names
and generally irritate each other. The Poms write a song telling of doubts about the
number of testicles Hitler has.

1940
One Ball and millions of German troops go for a weekend stroll, and realise they've walked
through Belgium, Holland and France. Oh, and Luxembourg, if it's worth mentioning. They
then proceed to drop stale strudel bombs in England.
Italy joins in with Germany, attacking Greece, paralysing the country with mountains of
macaroni cheese. One wonders how the Italians and Japanese fitted in with One Ball's idea
of the gloriously tall, blonde German master race. Perhaps it's just as well he never got
to see Neighbours or Home And Away...

1941
The Greek souvlaki is no match for One Ball's Wiener schnitzel. He polishes off Yugoslavia
and Greece, then decides on Russia for dessert. But he fails to realise while listening to
the 1812
Overture that the music was written about Napoleon (aka Bonehead) being defeated in Russia
by the cold. And falls for the same error himself.
Meanwhile, Rommel leads his German forces around North Africa, armed with lethal
knotenschiefer. None of them are quite sure why it's so strategically important, but oh
well, an order is an order.
In December, Japan decides it's high time the USA joined in the war, and bombs Pearl
Harbor with exploding sushi. While waiting for a response, they go and invade Singapore,
Hong Kong, Siam, Malaya, the Philippines, Indonesia and Burma. While in Burma, they
combine warfare and mass transit, and use prisoners to try and build the Burma Railway,
the first bullet train.

1942
Rommel is defeated at the battle of El Alamein (passengers for city change at Camberwell.
Little local reference there. Sorry).
Japanese advance is halted by American forces, making use of hamburger bombers, in the
Coral Sea and off Midway.

1943
German forces in Africa surrender to the might of Allied spam. Ummm.. is that VA day then?
The Allies overcome hot salami bombardment, and invade Italy, but Mussolini escapes.

1944
The Russians push the Germans out of Russia using high-powered Borscht, and advance into
Europe. Meanwhile, the Western allies, led by Eisenhower, land in Normandy, and sweep
across France. Meanwhile meanwhile, a group of German officers try to assassinate One
Ball, about 20 years too late.

1945
The Allies invade Germany from the west, the Russians from the east. One Ball commits
suicide as Russian piroshkis enter Berlin, rather than surrender and undergo an
embarrassing genital inspection. Germany surrenders - VE Day, May 8th 1945. 50 years ago.
Pretty neat tie-in, eh? Pure coincidence, I assure you.
Japan fights on. Until a couple of nuclear bombs have been dropped on them. They decide to
surrender, and take over the world later with consumer goods. VP day.

1946
Almost nothing happens. By December, the United Nations is calling for an international
investigation into why 1946 has been so boring.

1948
Russian government representatives visit a combined metalwork/ manchester warehouse
outside Kiev, and are inspired to introduce the Iron Curtain. What's different about this
curtain is that it doesn't bend back to let the sunlight in.
The state of Israel is proclaimed. Proclaimed what? "I hereby proclaim that the state
of Israel is... ummm..." Oh, proclaimed to exist? Okay.

1949
The USA, Canada, and ten western European countries defy advice to use a TLA, and instead
form NATO, the Neat Army Tricks Organisation. Meanwhile, the Communist Chinese People's
Republic is set up... in... umm... China!

1950-3
The Korean war, a conflict actually dating back to a family feud from the sixth century,
when an argument about trading a goat got out of hand.

1954
A bunch of countries get together for another one of their "organisations whose
acronyms end in 'ATO'". This one, SEATO, is so named because the seats in the
building where the official naming ceremony is held are far too uncomfortable.

1959
Fidel Castro takes over in Cuba, promising the people all the cigars they can handle.
Critics say it will never last.
Communist China occupies Tibet; the Dalai Lama flees to India, to avoid political and
religious persecution, Yum Cha, rice, MSG and those damned awkward chopsticks.

1961
Yuri Gagarin of the USSR becomes the first man to experience weightless urinating, when he
makes the first flight into space. "Comrades, I need help, the piss has gone
everywhere!"
The USSR builds the Berlin Wall - destined to be almost the only thing constructed in the
Eastern Bloc not to fall apart during the warranty period.

1961-75
Vietnam, the forgotten war, hots up when US troops move in. Following this, the... umm...
followed by... err... I forgot.

1962
When Cuban leader Fidel Castro takes delivery of a batch of Soviet lighters, the Cuban
Cigar Crisis ensues. Eventually the Soviets back down, when President John F Kennedy
points out that there is a regional No Smoking policy.

1963
John F Kennedy is assassinated in Dallas, Texas, by tobacco-loving aliens hiding in the
Texas Book Suppository. The Suppository is later found to be a UFO. The aliens, who smoke
pipes, cigars and cigarettes from nine of their thirteen mouths, all eventually die of
cancers in each of their five lungs.

1964
Beatlemania sweeps the world. Shortly afterwards, electronics companies devise a fifty
year plan to get people to buy all their favourite music many times over, by introducing
new recorded music technology every decade. This works until the 1990s, when, due to a
tactical miscalculation, everyone is perfectly happy with their CDs.

1969
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin land on the moon. NASA had received large amounts of
sponsorship for the mission, much of it from the International Cheese Conglomerate. The
ICC, who had hoped to purchase mining rights, demanded their money back.

1972
The Watergate controversy strikes the White House, causing every government scandal
afterwards to be dubbed by the press as being (something)-Gate.

1975
Whitlamgate strikes the sleepy little village of Canberra, when Australian Prime Minister
Gough Whitlam is sacked. Rumours abound about CIA involvement, but ultimately the culprit
is found to be The Fine Print in the Constitution. The Fine Print is immediately placed
under detention for questioning.

1980
Lennon shot.

1981
Sadat shot.
Pope shot.
Reagan shot. But luckily the bullet hits him in the head, totally missing his brain.
Bit of a deadly time, the early-80s.

1981
Charles & Diana tie the knot in a fairytale wedding that eventually has an unhappy
ending. Analysts have said that the major problem with their marriage is that Charles has
never declared that he would like to be one of Diana's tampons.

1982
Argentina decides they would like the Falkland Islands back. The Brits see a slight
problem with this, and send in several squadrons of football hooligans. They soon have the
Argentine forces subdued.

1984
South Korea refuses to recognise UN Resolution 246, to abolish Beta video tapes by the
year 2000.

1986
The Space Shuttle Challenger takes on the challenge of a faulty O-ring sealant, and loses,
providing the playgrounds of the world with Space Shuttle jokes for several weeks
afterwards.
Near Kiev, the now infamous power plant Chernobyl goes belly-up. The Soviet administration
denies that there is any problem, saying that the plant will last longer than even the
Berlin Wall. The story is later told of how just two weeks before the disaster, a
repairman was called in for some routine maintenance. But when shown the problem, he said
"What plutonium cooling tanks? This time of year? Tssssshhh. No way guv - at least
six weeks for them to come in, we're completely out."

1989
The Berlin wall comes down after 28 years, when it is discovered that the Soviets had
built it without getting planning permission. Actually, I never understood the emphasis on
the Berlin Wall, when there are hundreds of miles of other bits of border between East and
West Germany.

1990
Nelson Mandela is released from prison. He is elected in 1994 to be South Africa's first
post-Apartheid president. With both the Soviet empire and South African Apartheid policies
gone, the West had to find some new bad guys for the next Lethal Weapon movie. Enter
Saddam Hussein and the Bosnian Serbs.

1991-3
Three years of turmoil for Russia, as Gorbachev is kicked out of office for not having
paid the rent, the Soviet Union ceases to be. It expires. It passes on. It is no more. It
is an ex-Union, etc, etc, fucking snuffed it, and so on. Boris Yeltsin takes over, and
holds an extended drinking competition, which runs until 1993 when conservatives claim
Yeltsin spiked the Vodka with water. Yeltsin retaliates by shelling the parliament
building, and the conservatives surrender.

1991
What begins as an Iraqi invasion into Kuwait develops into the most significant war in the
Middle East - the war between CNN and NBC. It becomes a war of technology, of the green
night camera lens versus the live satellite link to Baghdad versus the camera mounted in
the missile head.

1991-2027
Anarchy breaks out in the former Yugoslavia, after the Bosnians claim the Serbs borrowed
the lawnmower. The Croats demand that the Serbs and Bosnians turn down the music after
10pm. After that it all gets far too confusing for the average man in the street, as wave
after wave of factions split up the country.

1992
Bill Clinton is elected among promises of a new era, reform and saxophones. In fact,
Clinton is said to have quite a lively sax life.

1995
France announces the decision to resume nuclear testing, for three primary reasons:

because the French military believes that detonating nuclear bombs on a remote Pacific
island somehow helps them defend themselves from an enemy that doesn't exist

to keep Greenpeace busy

to ensure the success of a future operation involving dropping nuclear missiles on the
Bosnian Serb leaders' haircuts.

1997
Millions across the world pay homage to Princess Diana after she is killed in a
car crash - and vow to always keep their seatbelts on from now on.

1998
Bill Clinton's sex life catches up with him, as the world discovers the ultimate in
"sucking up to the President".

1999The computer industry realises that computers aren't as sensible as people,
and having been programmed by some apparently sensible people to store years as
two digits, may have problems distinguishing between 1900 and 2000. A massively
expensive re-programming exercise takes place, followed by complaints in early
2000 when it all appears to work okay.