Circulating on the Internet and in virally forwarded emails today, there is a series of pithy quips and comments attributed to George Carlin (and less commonly, to Ted Nugent), under the heading “I Am A Bad American”. While neither wrote it, and both have denied its authorship publically, it continues to circulate because the statements themselves resonate so well with so many people!

It even appears on the websites of both gentlemen… Carlin posts it to deny writing it… he’s a leftist who would never make such statements.

Nugent, a bit more of a conservative, posts it on his site because, though he didn’t write it, he says he wishes he had!

Supposedly the actual author, who’s name has long been lost to the internet, wrote it as a response to one of those “how to be a good Republican” or “how to be a good Democrat” articles. (I understand the motivation… my most recent column before this one was also a response to the “how to be a good Republican” email!)

The piece beautifully represents the thinking of millions of everyday Americans, and rightfully is propagating throughout Cyberspace. It is a shame that it is being generally attributed to a man who holds few of the views it represents!

So, until and unless the actual author makes a public effort to take credit for the piece – PLEASE – feel free to attribute the piece falsely to ME! I can use the notoriety! And the piece deserves to be read and shared. It is plagiarized below:

I'm A Bad American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer - I believe ignoring your kids and giving them psychoactive medication might.

I think I'm doing better than the homeless.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others expectations.

I know what SEX is and that there are not varying degrees of it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; just don't feel like everyone else should have to.

I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English.

As of matter of fact, if you intend to live in America, you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed.

I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word IS -- ever.

I don't think that just because you were not born in this country, you should qualify for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or anything else. Especially while those born and raised here can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it.

I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.

I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.

I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.

Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said; now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.

I don't hate the rich. I help the poor.

I know wrestling is fake.

I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots.

And remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, Jews, and other races have been enslaved too; it was wrong for every one of them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function.

I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male? If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime.

We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so.

I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller.

I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.

I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Circulating on the internet these days, there are a couple emails outlining what you must believe to be a "good democrat" or a "good republican". Recently I was sent a copy of the "Things you must believe to be a good Republican".

I was struck with the inaccuracies and outright falacies that the author circulates as representative of Republican thinking. So I wrote a brief response, point for point. I hope you find both the author's statements and my responses enlightening.

To be a Good Republican, you must believe:

1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are a millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an illness and needs our prayers for your recovery.

No, Choosing to pursue a lifestyle of excess and intoxication is a moral failing and a crime. (See Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, & Brittney!) Becoming addicted to legitimately prescribed pain medication is as much a failing of the prescribing doctor as it is the patient. Illegal behavior to procure the drug once addicted is still illegal behavior, and anyone doing it, even Rush, should be held accountable. Pursuing recovery from an addiction acquired thru no action other than following doctors orders in the treatment of back pain which was not resolved thru surgery IS a laudable effort and worthy of prayers and encouragement!

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all ontheir own.

Interestingly, most of those who are wealthy as a "privilege from birth" are democrats! In fact, amongst those who are in the sphere of the "filthy rich" who never lifted a finger to earn it, whether by birth or marriage, Democrats are strikingly predominant! (Kennedy, Kerry and Rockefeller are some names that spring to mind.) On the other hand, the examples of Republicans who are indeed "privileged from birth" and who did not achieve success thru business ventures - putting their own assets at risk and investing time, energy, sweat and intellect are few and far between.

3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that ourhighest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

Score one for the author... Most conservative Republicans will concede that they believe the US should get out of the UN... because it is a corrupt, anti-American, anti-semetic and irrelevant organization which drains our resources and uses them to oppose our best interests. On the other hand, the enforcing of UN resolutions against Iraq were only used to point out the hypocrisy of those who opposed our defending and protecting the vital national interests of the United States and our allies by enforcing regime change. Those who stood against the coalition action were WILLING to pass resolution after resolution condemning Iraq for its consistent violation of the terms of cease fire following the first Gulf War. But they were unwilling to ENFORCE those resolutions. A justification of our action - beyond the completely reasonable justification of simply resuming hostilities in a conflict where Iraq failed to abide by the agreement which suspended them - was simply that the entire UN had issued the resolutions and had warned they could be enforced by use of force. Iraq called the UN's bluff. But the US and its allies weren't bluffing.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but itneeds to punish anyone caught having private sex with the wrong gender.

Conservative Republicans DO hold that the government should stay out of people's lives... and that EXTENDS to their private bedroom behavior. They believe, however, that those who practice homosexual behavior are entitled to no special rights, and that the rest of us have a right NOT to have the sexual orientation of the gay flaunted in their faces. We'll stay out of their bedrooms if they'll keep their sexuality IN their bedrooms!!

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

Republicans ARE environmentalists and believe in appropriate stewardship of our natural resources. TEDDY ROOSEVELT (a Republican) was a champion of Conservation. "Pollution" is never defended. Republicans DO offer opposition to the agenda of the Enviro-terrorists who seek to prevent any development lest it offend a worm, who place no value in private property rights. These Enviro-nuts will not permit (clean) nuclear energy. They oppose the (safe) drilling for oil in ANWR lest it displace a caribou to another square mile of tundra that looks just like the one he was in before. They will not permit drilling offshore. They have prevented the building of a single additional refinery since the Carter Administration. They require boutique fuels making a blend sold in Missouri unable to be sold in neighboring Illinois, even if there is insufficient supply of the Illinois blend and a glut of Missouri blend... then they complain of GOUGING as the price of gas in Illinois goes up above the price in Missouri. Their policies serve to enforce our dependency on FOREIGN oil - which lends to the political instability of the planet. This oil is transported across vast oceans in SHIPS. (What is the first thing a ship in trouble does? Dump cargo to lighten the load. Very environmentally friendly!) Domestic production is not only more politically stable, less expensive, and represents less environmental impact by pipelining rather than oceangoing vessel shipping... but the "environmentalists" are not truly "GREEN", their hue is really closer to "PINK".

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

Republicans only oppose the forced OUSTING of spirituality from the schools. The First Amendment guarantees the right to Free Exercise of religion. The phrase is Freedom OF Religion... not Freedom FROM Religion.

Conservative Republicans are as put off by outsourcing as are union Democrats. Incidentally, ask Mrs. Kerry about outsourcing Heinz!

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

"Decisions about her own body" is a red herring... it's decisions about someone else's body that the abortion issue has at stake! Note, however, that other issues about "her own body" are regulated by the government without much objection (except by the REALLY EXTREME leftists of the Democratic Party!). You can't inject heroin into your veins legally. You can't drink or smoke till you're a legal adult. (But the left wants you to be able to abort at 14 without parental consent.) Even Suicide is illegal (though if you succeed you probably won't be prosecuted!)

On the other hand, show me ANY corporation, whether local or multinational, which can operate without regulation!

On the third hand - do you REALLY trust GOVERNMENT to make anything better? Name something they do well!

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesusshares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

Neither Republicans, Christians nor Jesus focuses on HATE. However, if a person IS a Christian that person will claim the mindset of Christ, and as such will condemn the behaviors condemned by Christ. Christ loved sinners. He condemned sin. Jesus never specifically spoke about homosexuality - however there is a fair bit of Scripture which indeed condemns the behavior. Therefore a Christian will be inclined to find the behavior something to be spoken against. Note, however, that there is no requirement for a person to be a Christian or to believe in Christ to be a Republican or a Conservative! Believe it or not, there are JEWISH conservative Republicans!

10) You hate the ALCU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to thecountry to bail out Oliver North.

The ACLU is always there to defend the Atheist, the Nazi, the Terrorist, or any secular progressive cause. When the Civil Liberties of a Christian Conservative are being denied, they will be conspicuously absent... or will be siding with those denying those civil rights. This is why the ACLJ and the Rutherford Institute need to exist.

11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

The way to encourage military morale is to support their mission, to provide the necessary men and material to accomplish it, to praise their successes, to allow them rules of engagement that acknowledge that war is brutality. Supporting the troops encourages the limitation of collateral damage, and maintains a high standard of conduct, but also acknowledges that to win a war, sometimes brutality is necessary. Supporting the troops does not presume they are murderous baby-killing, rapists raiding villages by night or air-raiding indiscriminantly. Murtha, Obama and Kerry be damned for their treasonous slander!

Oh, and Democrats CUT funding for the military and for veterans... on the other hand, when Republicans reduce the size of a proposed increase in funding... Democrats call that a CUT by Republicans!

12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only bepurged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

The "Governator" is a RINO (Republican in name only) and is by no means representative of Republican in general. He may be to the right of most of Hollywood, but that is still far left of the rest of the world! Remember, he's married to Maria Shriver - a Kennedy! The attempt to taint the party by painting it with the brush of Schwartenegger's past bad behavior is a dog that don't hunt.

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because weall know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

GIVING condoms to teens in school CONDONES the behavior. IF they're going to have sex, they should be responsible about it - so they can go get a condom. The Walgreens up the street is not going to refuse to sell them a package at an affordable price. They don't need the GOVERNMENT to step in and provide them with an official governmental wink-and-nod seal of approval.

14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate ourallies and then demand their cooperation and money.

Hmm, what "allies" opposed our coalition at the beginning of our war on terror? France, Germany and Russia. What "allies" were found to be heavily tainted in the Oil for Food Scandal and had a great deal of financial interest in keeping us from deposing Saddam? -- Oh yeah, France, Germany and Russia! Since then, France has thrown out the leftist Chirac in favor of a US-Friendly conservative. Germany has also dumped their leftist in favor of a more right leaning Merkel.

15) You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

HMO's suck! And they came about as a result of the GOVERMENT beginning to meddle in the affairs of the private market! Legislating the coverage of certain procedures, expectation of first-dollar coverage for items traditionally paid by the patient, and other Government intrusions brought about the concept of "MANAGED CARE". And if you REALLY expect the government to FIX healthcare, you're pipe-dreaming. This is the government that managed to bankrupt Social Security. This is the Government where it costs $3.00 for it to spend $1.00. Name something the Government does WELL! And you trust it with your HEALTH? Have you visited a VA Hospital lately? Would you like that to be the ONLY healthcare choice you've got?

16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

Show me a conservative Republican calling for the provision of healthcare to all Iraqis! We don't think that's a good idea either!

Government provided healthcare IS socialism. And how will the government pay to "provide" all this healthcare? The Government has no money that they don't TAKE from the people! Since the government is horribly inefficient, spending $3.00 to deliver $1.00 worth of goods and services, they must COLLECT $3.00 from all of us for every dollar of healthcare they'll dispense to us! If they're going to give us ALL cradle to grave healthcare - then the entire sum total health expense of the nation will be paid by the government. The current healthcare numbers represent about 40% of the GNP. Assuming that the government COULD ACTUALLY DELIVER $1.00 worth of goods and services for $1.00 (they've never done it) then they must collect 40% of every dollar in the economy just to pay the healthcare costs. Given that they must also support the GOVERNMENT infrastructure to administer such a program, and given the historical ratio of 3 to 1... for dollars cost vs delivered, suddenly the healthcare expense to government swells to 120% of our nation's economy and we're bankrupt.! Still don't think it's socialism? Still think it can work?

17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.

Tobacco's link to cancer is established fact and conservative Republicans do not dispute it! Don't distort our position.

There are legitimate scientific differences of opinion on Global Warming. There is debate over whether the earth actually is warming, over whether warming is cyclical or anomalous, over whether it is a natural occurance or is anthropomorphic and over whether carbon is causative or a result. Inasmuch as the debate is anything but settled, it should not be taught as fact.

Evolution is also simply a theory. Republicans do not oppose the teaching of evolution AS THEORY. It is not proveable fact, and it is reasonable to expect that the educational establishment would present creation as an alternative theoretical explanation of origins. No Republican is demanding creation be taught as fact, nor that it be taught to the exclusion of evolution.

18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

The same error exists in Vietnam and in Iraq... Permitting leftists who find no noble cause exists for warfare to influence politicians to hamstring the military and prevent them from pursuing actual victory.

There can only be 2 viable exit strategies from any war. Victory, or defeat. Either you fight until your purposes are accomplished, at which point you declare victory and can begin to withdraw after assuring that your withdrawl will not create a vacuum into which a greater problem will enter... or you are beaten so badly that you cannot continue to fight and must withdraw for your own survival.

Because we allowed the leftists to hamstring our military in Vietnam, victory became impossible and as such, defeat became the only option. In Iraq, the Surge has shown that defeat is not the only option, Reid's pronouncement that "the war is lost" notwithstanding.

19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a badguy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a we-can't-find-Bin-Ladendiversion.

Saddam was never a good guy. Sometimes the "enemy of my enemy" makes for strange bedfellows, and a country must ALWAYS act in its own best national interests. Reagan armed Iraq when they were at war with Iran - as it was in our interest for Iran to be kept at bay. Bin Laden fighting the Russians weakened the USSR. The fall of the USSR was a good thing for us... this didn't make Bin Laden a good guy either.

Speaking of diversions, I recall a certain aspirin factory blowing up on the eve of the Lewinsky scandal, though. Clinton bombed Iraq long before GW did... and with less provokation!

20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers namedin the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring theinternet.

Strict constructionism and the limitation of government IS a hallmark of the Conservative Republican... however the facetious remark about gay marriage is specious. The subject of BANNING gay marriage is simply the response to the attempt to CREATE gay marriage, which by the definition of marriage DOESN'T EXIST. Many Republicans even support the concept of civil unions for gays... however the attempt to RE-DEFINE marriage into something is has never been and is not, simply to accomodate the agenda of the gay activists, is opposed by conservative Republicans - and an amendment to CLARIFY the TRADITIONAL meaning of marriage to prevent its REDEFINITION is not a proactive ban but a reaction to a radical change to the institution of marriage, being pushed by the gay agenda.

21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a private matter.

Adulterous affairs are another red herring meant to deflect from the real issue. Clinton's infidelity IS telling about his character, however his perjury was the charge for which he was impeached, not "just sex". Incidentally, when Republicans are caught in a scandal - whether sexual or otherwise, which calls their integrity into question, that Republican is thrown under the bus by the general population of Republicans. We hold our own to a higher standard.

Democrats caught in a scandal, however, are re-elected! It seems they don't violate a standard as it seems you can't fall short in a party that SETS NO STANDARD of integrity!

Larry Craig is Personna non Grata in the Republican Party. Tom DeLay isn't getting many cocktail party invitations. Duke Cunningham has vanished into the shadows.

On the other hand William Jefferson got re-elected. Murtha survived ABSCAM to become the mouthpiece for the antiwar movement. Sandy Berger stuffs his shorts with classified documents, and is still an advisor to Hillary. Diane Feinstein's had conflict of interest and campaign finance violations - and has forked out around $200,000 in fines... but keeps getting re-elected. Barney Frank had a gay prostitution ring running out of his apartment! And never let us forget Teddy Kennedy's incident with MaryJo.

22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary'scattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from theCongressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

While the left points to GW Bush as "secretive" the Clintons have a lock on just about everything they've ever said, done or written! Wanna talk about the 9/11 report? How about classified documents Sandy Berger spirited away which would have been salient evidence in the 9/11 investigation?

Was it appropriate for Bush to censor out classified information from public release?? You betcha! Some information is classified and is harmful to the US to release it. There is a difference between refusing to release classified info to the public, and destroying classified information to prevent it from falling into the hands of authorized investigators!

23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally assed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

States rights are always a hallmark of the platform of the conservative Republican... however state law is always subordinate to the Federal CONSTITUTION... important distinction. State Law may or may not be subordinate to Federal Law... It IS subordinate to the US Constitution. The Attorney General is charged with the responsibility to enforce federal law and if a State Law violates the US Constitution - even if passed by a referrendum of the people - it would have to be overturned.

24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital nationalinterest but what Bush did decades later is stale news and irrelevant.

Old news is old news, regardless of who it involves. Old news CAN BE relevant, however, if it speaks to the CHARACTER of an individual seeking office.

25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.

Not all Republicans believe trading with China and Vietnam is dandy. CLINTON was the one playing footsie with the Chinese and positioning them to present an economic, manufacturing, military and technological threat to us!

Trade with any nation which behaves as our enemy is not in our interest. It strengthens the economy of a beligerant nation. We should not be trading with Venezuela today. Cuba still belongs under embargo. Vietnam HAS taken steps to normalize relations, but they have a long way to go. China represents a big threat to us and Clinton has entangled us with them in a relationship it may be difficult to extricate from... and we're seeing our kids poisoned by their toys!