One of the great things about being pregnant is you don’t have to suck your stomach in. Unfortunately the physically obvious fact that you are now withchild also seems to cause people to take leave of their social graces.

Things you would never normally say to a woman in the street (“How much weight have you put on? You’re huge!”) all of a sudden become OK, just because you’re in the old-fashioned family way.

Just so we’re all on the same page, here are five things you should never, EVER say to a pregnant woman.

1. When are you due?

This seems a particularly benign question on the face of it, but if you have just run into someone and she appears to be pregnant, do not ask her when she is due until she confirms the fact that she is actually pregnant. There are a few reasons for this:

a) She may have been pregnant and had the baby a few months ago (or in most cases, as with myself and most of my friends, she had the baby 10 years ago, but still looks about five months pregnant). It’s mortifying, it’s happened to all of us and it ruins our day.

b) She may not have ever been pregnant and is not pregnant now; she just ate a big lunch or had too many donuts.

Don’t ask. Ever. Even if the “is she or isn’t she?” mystery is killing you and you’ve run out of things to say. Button up, until she says, “Oh, did you notice? I’m pregnant!”. Now you have your cue to ask, “When are you due?”.

And because I like to help, if you have run out of things to say and really need to know whether or not she’s got a bun in there, here’s some suggestions for how to flush out the truth.

So … what’s new with you?

Where do you see yourself in about, say, six months time?

Still living in that one-bedroom place? Planning to move anytime soon?

What are your thoughts on private healthcare versus public?

I believe that children are our future – what do you think?

2. Oh my god, you’re huge.

This seems a pretty obvious thing not to say, but people still say it. It’s like carbon dioxide: it just comes out of their mouths without any thought for the environment whatsoever.

We know we’re huge, believe me. We feel huge. We are growing an entirely new person in there. It’s mind-blowing stuff and yes, you are probably thinking, “Oh my god, she’s HUGE!”. But don’t let that thought make its way out of your mouth. That’s called cognitive development.

Consider this: would you say it to a non-pregnant person? No. Of course you wouldn’t. Imagine that … “Oh, my god, Jan, you’re huge”.

Rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t say it to a non-pregnant person, don’t say it to a pregnant woman.

3. Were you trying?

This is akin to saying, “Have you and your husband been going at it hammer and tongs in all kinds of positions, day and night?”.

Call me June Dally Watkins, but I think this is an unseemly question to ask people. It’s pretty obvious she’s been having sex. Let’s not make that part of the general conversational oeuvre at this juncture.

Although it has to be noted that some women do like to tell you at length the various ins and outs of how she and Hubby conceived. If she is such a person, she’ll probably start outlining her successful rooting formula before you’ve even drawn breath to say congratulations. So let her take the lead on this one.

Also in this category are these two subsets:

Did you take fertility drugs?

Translation: You look too old to conceive; you must have been medically assisted in some way. (Although, just as a sidebar, when 47-year-old Hollywood actresses announce their pregnancies, we’re all thinking it.)

Was it planned?

Translation: Is that an unwanted bastard child you’ve got in there? Just to put it in perspective, if the child was about five years old would you ask, “Did you want this child?”

4. How much weight have you put on?

Again, would you ask Jan? No. So don’t ask a pregnant woman. It’s not relevant, and just so you know, the answer is “about the weight of a small person, plus some sensible ‘food padding’ for good measure.”

Also in this category:

Do you think you’ve put on enough weight?

Two words: alarm bells.

5. You look like you’re ready to pop!

I can’t quite put my finger on what is so offensive about this one, but I think it’s the use of the word “pop” as though one is some sort of unpredictable novelty item. It also suggests that, at some point, everything is just going to burst out and make a mess, which is sort of true, but it’s not the sort of visual we wish to be a part of unless we know you intimately.

She’s not a balloon; she’s a person with a baby inside her. She is going to give birth, but she is not going to “pop” at any point.

Also in this category:

Oh my god, don’t have that baby here!

I’ll try to control myself.

Other more obscure contenders:

For the record, I had a fluid retention issue that made a small mole on my neck blow up like a goitre. I’m not proud of it, but my best friend’s two year old was so fascinated by it that I once had to leave our morning tea get-together early.

Also for the record, I have complimented certain women on their large pregnancy knockers, but only when I knew them well enough to know they would not be embarrassed.

You shouldn’t be eating/drinking that.

Again, I will refer you to Jan. Would you say it to her?

Do you think you’ll need an episiotomy?

Don’t say this word to a pregnant woman, ever. Not in reference to what has happened to people you know, and not in reference to what MIGHT happen. Just don’t say it.

Are you worried about stretch marks?

So lame. Stretch marks are the LEAST of her worries at this point. Again, consider the “would you say it to Jan?” test.