Author's Note

Ok, I know this is a long poem. However, can I please ask you not to put a review that says "nice work" or anything like that? It's a waste of your time to type and mine to read. It doesn't help me as a writer on how to get better. Please, what did you like about it? What'd you hate about it? Give me some GOOD feedback!

Reviews

Posted 8 Years Ago

Just from MY perspective, not saying I am right or wrong, BUT reading through most this poem I feel like some of the lines are forced just so it will follow a rhyme scheme. Not saying you shouldn't use rhyme in this poem, but if you choose to rhyme you should carefully adjust the structure of your sentence so not only do the rhymes flow but the sentence flows and blends right into the next sentence, so it sounds musical and not boxy. For example this stanza:

I spiraled down from the sky
With one question: Why?
The giant, monstrous waves consumed me
The force of the waves keeping me from being free

The words rhyme but the sentence structure doesn't quite match making the rhymes feel forced. the first line is very short along with the second like being short and the rhyme more abrupt, but as you go into the third and fourth line it is more drawn out...if you have abrupt rhymes then I think the whole poem or least some sort of scheme to the poem should follow that structure. So you can either make your short lines a bit more wordy, or your long lines less wordy...like this,

I spiraled haphazardly down from the sky
One question racing through my mind was why?
the giant, monstrous waves continually consumed me
The force of the waves preventing me to be free.

I just added some words and restructured one sentence so it all flowed together and yet still keeping your rhyme scheme and your storyline. Other stanza's in the poem could be reworked in this way. Also like Jordan pointed out, the rhyme scheme is a bit confusing with mixed up stanzas where some lines rhyme, and some don't.

I still think this this is good poem, and with some work can be a great poem, I liked how this seems like a mythological story

Posted 8 Years Ago

Your rhyme scheme is confusing. The first two lines of a stanza always rhyme, but then your third and fourth sometimes rhyme and sometimes almost rhyme. The whole thing was very depressing, which was nice, but I would get rid of the last stanza. It just seems kind of like overkill to explicitly state the "moral" of your poem.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Rating /100

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DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT hate your work I'm just being honest like you asked.

This is a well written piece BUT it seems like you more or less forced it go rhyme. Which from a reader's perspective is unnecessary mainly because it takes away from the flow of it and can become difficult to read.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Posted 8 Years Ago

This was like a combination of Man's fall from grace (biblical) and the fall of Icarus (mythological). Funny that you should choose these two examples of falling when they are from two entirely different adn contrasting sources. I liked the idea of it. Perhaps the two sources were to show how love in every culture and form can be "brutal." The rhyme scheme did confuse me. It was a little awkward and the syllables didn't all match up, so perhaps this would work better as free verse or with a looser rhyming pattern than AABB.

"The Great Downfall was hard to bare" should be "bear"

"Breaking only my two feet" I like this. Not only were the wings broken, taking away the sky from the speaker, but he no longer has the ability to walk, thus crippling him further, at least for a while.

"Why did you forsaken me?" should be "forsake" or "why have you forsaken me"

"Suddenly a flint of light" I like the use of the word "flint" rather than the typical "spark." The word "flint" has other meanings, as well. A flint is a stone used to spark a fire, which works with the idea that this angel is the speaker's love. But because flint is a kind of stone, it enforces that idea of love being unforgiving.

"An angel, a goddess" again with the contrasting biblical and mythological images.

"The string of my heart" should be "strings"

"the wind whispered a warning" I like this. Not only does it forshadow what is to come, but it uses the wind as the kind of soothsayer, which I like because the wind was like a first friend for the speaker.

Not sure I like the whole stanza after this one. The syllable count is awkward, putting the rhymes on the wrong beats, and the part about fitting like a glove is a bit if a cliche.

"I look towards the heavens" Again, in the middle of your portayal of a mythological scene, there is a biblical reference. I find this intriguing.

I think if this poem were more free verse, it would put more force into a great final line. I like this poem a lot, though, with the contrasting references and the metaphors for love. An enjoyable read.

Posted 8 Years Ago

this is beautiful. I love how its put together and how it tells a tragic story, the thoughts of the the hero make it better and I think you should leave it as it is. Can't wait to read more of your work.

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Somewhere, NH

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Ian Faraway is simply a pen name and is not my actual name.
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