Friday, October 29, 2004

this is something i've been thinking about, from time to time, for awhile, but i guess the reason i haven't approached it as far as writing about it is because i really can't find a conclusion... and so i'm going to give explaining it a try.

i don't know what it is about me but there are times i just feel really removed from things. it's not like i feel like i shouldn't be here or anything like that, but it's like i have two really strong feelings and they are polar opposites. one is that i'm social, loving and enjoying life, hanging out with friends, having fun... the other is that i sort of feel removed from all of that. and it's not that i think the first part doesn't exist, i still realize and like where i stand in peoples lives, but it's like i'm watching it all happen from somewhere else rather than actually being there, being involved.

and i can't figure it out.

and the weirdest part about it all is that i don't think i was always that way. so i don't know where it came from.

kind of weird, i know. believe me i know.

but on a side note from that, on my way home from class today i realized that my favorite part of the day is this five minute period of time when i'm walking home from class--and there's two blocks prior to this were you see people you know, walk past fraternities, walk past strangers--but then you cross a busy street and for about two blocks or so until my apartment i am in absolute solitude. i see a few people, maybe, but most of the time i am just thinking about things and looking around me, and it sounds stupid but it really is my favorite part of the day. it puts me in a great mood to have those five minutes of peace. even if it is just five minutes.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

i've been dreading it like you wouldn't believe... but today i gave in.
i started looking for jobs, writing cover letters, fixing up my resume, getting stuff out

it's exciting, it's depressing, it's a lot of things. but i know that it has to be done. it's crazy how fast it happens that your childhood is sort of yanked from underneath you and you are just pushed out the door and told, in not so many words, to grow up.

the end of college seems closer every day, and growing with it is the reality of the statement "I have to get a job." and the thing is, i'm really excited to work and make money, pay off things i need to pay off, get my own awesome place... i am just not excited about the search process involved in all of that.

the way i see itit's a whole lot of rejection, a whole lot of effort, and a whole lot of trying to make yourself sound unbelievable... on paper. and then even when you get the job, you've got to do that whole "proving yourself" process over again, only this time in person. it stresses me out to think about all of that.

what it comes down to though is that i know i have to move home and i've accepted that, but i don't want to be there a long time. i don't want to be inactive, acting like i'm going back to school in a few months, hoping a job just lands itself in my mailbox. i know that isn't going to happen.

and now comes that whole balance thing--spending my last six weeks of college trying to get a job, yet also realizing these weeks are, without a doubt, my last opportunity to actually be a kid. to live it up, to have no responsibilities, to have a ton of fun and leave this place with a bang... and so where does priority come in? i guess that's my choice.

either way, i'm going to end with ben folds

everybody knows it sucks to grow up
but everybody does
it's so weird to be back here
the years go on and
we're still fighting it

Thursday, October 14, 2004

you know, there's things i really hate about myself but it's almost like it's too late to change them-- like somewhere along the way they were just embedded into my head and it's just the way i am, and there's no going back from here you know but

it is so frustrating to know that. like if i don't like something about myself why can't i change it? because old habits are hard to break, right, but aren't you ultimately in control of your own actions? how come sometimes they are so hard to mentally override?

i mean...

why can't i sometimes stop myself from joining conversations that talk bad about people?
it might feel good at the time, i feel terrible about it later. who am i? someone who cares so much what someone thinks of them, yet i still find the power within me to talk about other people? that makes me sick.

why can't i compromise once in awhile and do some things that i really don't want to do?

why do i not find enough time in my day to do something out of the ordinary to help someone?

why do i let other peoples opinions influence me so much?
why do i automatically turn everything people say to me into something negative?

why do i smile sometimes when i'm really so sad?
and why do i cry sometimes, but have absolutely no explanation for it?

why do i sometimes stay up all night beating myself up over things that probably don't even matter?
when everyone else can just go to sleep...

why do i like to win arguments? why do i need to win arguments?

why do i appreciate everything my parents do for me but then still treat them badly sometimes?

why do i have such a problem with forgiving people?
because i truly want to forgive people, i just really struggle with it

why do i hate some people that love me, and love some people that hate me?
and why do i care so much about some people even though i know it's just going to hurt me?

why do i believe so much in saying what you feel but yet, i can't even do it?

and why is it that i can dislike someone so much but still care 100% what they think about me? to the point that it can ruin my day... and even worse than that i will never forget it for my entire life.

why is it that sometimes i have a problem being alone?
and other times, the only thing i want in the world is to be alone.

why can't i grow up and stop depending on my parents so much?
why don't i care about getting a job?
why do i think that the rest of my life is going to be handed to me the way it has been so far?
i mean i know better, but do i really believe it?

why does it freak me out to think about my future?
why does it scare me so much more than other people to leave school?

i don't know, these are some of the many questions i just can't seem to answer... and i've been trying for a really long time. it's just confusing, all of it, how you can want so much for yourself, and want to be a certain way, and not just portrayed a certain way but actually BE that way, but you just can't seem to reach it...

Monday, October 11, 2004

ever think about the people that you know--and i guess how many of them you actually know? it's weird if you sit down and honestly analyze your relationships with people, the relationship you have with them, as is, no sugar coating...

and i guess my conclusion upon doing that is that there are a lot of good people that i know, but i don't know how many of them are my friends - does that make sense?

i mean how many people do i know because i lived by them, or that i had a class with, that i run into at the bars, see on campus, see at family parties, maybe people that i've known forever but maybe... i don't know anymore? friends of a friend--call it what you will but the truth is when it comes down to it, there are a handful of people i guess i can actually trust one-hundred percent of the time.

kind of a downer, i know. but i guess i don't see any harm in being honest with yourself i mean, isn't that the way it is?

it's like i've surrounded myself with this group of people that for some reason or another i know, and maybe know some things about even, but like in the overall scheme of life a lot are just more people, just more names and in the end, the only thing constant...

Monday, October 04, 2004

so i was looking through my old work the other day--documents and stuff, and it's really weird and you might not even believe me about this even... but when i write something, i am just really thinking on paper for the most part. i don't process a whole lot.

so it isn't until i revisit that document that i actually take it in. so it's kinda crazy to go back and read my old stuff because i honestly don't ever really remember that much about it. i guess that's when i'm able to understand it. so i found some stuff that i thought was decent, and so i decided to put it up on here for fun.

January 5, 2003 2:30 PM
On a Plane from LA to Chicago

Everyone has a story. I guess that’s something you always hear about, how everybody has their own story, but I am actually realizing it right now. Sitting on a full plane going from Los Angeles to Chicago I started to wonder where people around me were headed. It’s something that I could think about forever, I think, and still find it interesting. My story is that I am going back to Chicago, my home, returning from seeing my parent’s new home in Los Angeles, after sharing some amazing moments underneath the California sun, celebrating a New Year with a good friend, possibly making a few really bad mistakes, possibly making none at all. So that’s my story. So what is everyone else’s? This past week was my journey, my escape. Maybe people are on their way to Chicago for that same reason right now. Their journey is only beginning, and mine has just come to an end. It’s interesting--people coming and going, reuniting, saying goodbye—everyone is on their own adventure.

Many people on this plane are probably full of anticipation, the same kind of anticipation I had when I boarded my flight last Saturday in Chicago—you know, people who are about to fly back home for the first time in a week, or people on their way to see someone they haven’t seen in a very long time. And I’m sure there’s a lot of very sad people on this flight too—people who just had to leave their family to return to our busy routine lives of work and responsibility, people who had to leave their boyfriend/girlfriend so that they could go back to school or work, people who just weren’t ready for this holiday season to end. And isn’t it amazing how we balance that all? A vacation, to anywhere, requires reverse emotions. Anticipation at one end of the vacation, and then at the other, a sense of loss to an extent. It’s hard to walk away from anything that you aren’t ready to leave. And in a way, that’s what vacations are all about—Saying hello, and then saying goodbye.

Looking down on the coastline of California as we took off, I thought to myself, god, it is going to be really weird to get off this plane and not have anywhere to go home to. This is the first time I’ve had to do this, be a guest in my hometown. It’s finally hitting me that this is very real. My parents are there, in LA, and I will be across the country.

And you know, it’s funny, how much I tortured myself there for a few days. I was bored, and upset, and well, I guess even lonely, but then one day, I just pack a suitcase, board a plane, and leave it all behind me. And that’s possible. And then, tomorrow, I will return to my busy, abundant life at school, and I won’t have time to think about anything I’ve been overanalyzing for the past five days. It just goes away.

So all in all, looking back on this past week’s journey, I would say it was a good one. I had a lot of time, whether I liked it or not, to sort things out. And maybe that is just what I needed. I realize now that people make mistakes, and even if it seems like a lot more than that at the time, life always goes on, and whether you’re ready for it or not, you’ve got to go on with it. Everything in life is relative. Something that may seem like the end of the world to me right now could quite possibly be something immature and stupid in a few years. It’s all relative to my experience, and my encounters. So for now I’m going to leave the bad parts of this past week behind me, and maybe someday they’ll catch up with me, but until then, I’ve got to keep going with everything else, because no one is going to stop the traffic and wait for me to get over it. And so, that is my story.