I like this version, it fits the form better and gives more lines to work with. These always end too fast, but your is nicely done. The mind hangs onto the last few lines, and yours are great lines to hold.

Wow, I love your write...it's utterly awesome! This is such a completely fascinating poem my friend! I really enjoyed the tenderness of the write, it was very delightful! You've done excellent work! Great Work!!