Todd Haley: Hey! Hey, Tardbreath! Get over here! You think you just did good, huh? You played the hero, did you? Well, that was a beautifully designed swing pass to Chris Rainey that you just ruined. You know that?

Ben Roethlisberger: POINTS PLAY?

Todd Haley: Yeah, yeah, you severed link in the evolutionary chain, you got points. You scored one touchdown before halftime. You want a f*cking treat?

Ben Roethlisberger: YES PLEASE CHOCO TACO PLEASE

Todd Haley: ARE YOU MOCKING ME, TARDBREATH?! Listen to me: you will execute the gameplan according to my design. You will make the reads I tell you to make. You will not audible. You will not freelance. You will throw my dump passes to Chris Rainey and you will learn to love it. OR SO HELP ME, I WILL SMASH YOUR GODDAMN XBOX AND ALL YOUR JUVENILE SHOOTING GAMES! I’LL RUN THOSE BITCHES OVER IN THE CAMARO, I DON’T GIVE A F*CK.

Ben Roethlisberger: CALL OF DUTY NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Todd Haley: That’s right. That got your attention, didn’t it? You keep that in your pea-sized brain next time you feel like being a hero. Do we got a capisce, compadre?

Ben Roethlisberger: OKAY BEN DO TODD PLAN

[Later]

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN PASS NOW! CATCHERS, RUN AWAY FROM STAR GUYS. BOSS MAN SAY I THROW TO YOU SO HERE COMES THE BALL! OH NO! NO NO NO! OTHER GUY GOT IT! AWWWWWWWWW, BEN DO BAD AND NEVER GOT TREAT BOSS MAN PROMISED.

How exactly is Todd Haley qualified to be an OC again? He had one year in Arizona where he took a borderline HOF QB, a HOF WR, and another very good WR and won 9 games. Other than that, he’s just been an asshole who has no idea how to use his talent.