The recent nightmare customer service call that went viral proved something many of us already knew: Dealing with Comcast — and cable companies, in general — is almost impossible, especially if you want to downgrade your current package or cancel your plan entirely. The company’s “Retention Specialists” have been trained to meet every possible objection and extract all the information they can, with the goal of dissuading you from giving them less money than you currently do. Is it good business on their part? Well, yeah. Probably. Is it annoying as all hell and a borderline criminal misuse of the term “customer service”? Also yes.

Luckily, the good folks at The Verge have obtained a copy of Comcast’s Retention Specialist Handbook and shared its secrets with the world. In addition to laying out some of the tricks they use to overcome objections and build rapport (which include, seriously, saying things like “Enjoy Game of Thrones tonight”), the handbook lists the reasons for cancellation where the Retention Specialists is not expected to make a “save.” These are useful. Pay attention.

Save Attempt is Not Applicable in the Following Scenarios

– Customer is moving in with an existing Comcast customer (CAE must verify Comcast services active at new address)
– Customer is moving to a non-Comcast area (CAE must verify by looking up zip code)
– Account holder is deceased / incapacitated
– Temporary / seasonal disconnect and Seasonal Suspend Plan is not available in their area
– Natural disaster
– Customer doesn’t know what address they’re moving to

Now, admittedly, some of these aren’t going to help your Average Joe Cordcutter. I certainly wouldn’t suggest calling up today and saying “Yeah, uh, I need to cancel because… because… THERE’S A TORNADO HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US. OH NO. IT GOT MY CABLE BOX” or trying to convince them you died and are calling them from beyond the grave. Same with the last one, because I’ve got to believe “I don’t know my new address” will lead to a zillion follow-up questions.

But. BUT. Take note of the second item on the list: “Customer is moving to a non-Comcast area (CAE must verify by looking up zip code).” Until Comcast went ahead and purchased Time Warner (provided the deal still goes through), this was apparently as simple as lying and saying “I need to cancel my service because I’m moving to New York. Yup, the Big Apple. I’m gonna see my name in lights, I tells ya!” It’s a bit trickier now, especially since a Google search for “zip codes with no Comcast service” turns up pages and pages of helpful sites that redirect or link straight to a page filled with Comcast’s current deals on packages, but if you happen to know someone who knows someone who lives in an area Comcast doesn’t serve, and you’re a convincing fibber, bingo. (UPDATE: Couple examples in the comments. Take notes.)

Of course, the other option is saying “I’m moving back in with my parents and they already have Comcast,” but seeing as half the country already lives with their parents, the rep will probably see right through that one.

Let’s say someone has access to a drone capable of dropping stink bombs into ventilation ducts. What would the latitude/longitude be? You know, should someone want to deliver a “thank you” to their front door?

Some of this may be new(ish) or perhaps I was just lucky. I moved six blocks away (to a house that was already wired for Verizon FIOS) and wasn’t hassled at all when I dumped Comcast. That was a couple of years ago, though.

Really, is the word no that hard for people? Sure it took me interrupting with “No I just want to cancel” about five times, but it was still only about two minutes of phone time. As soon as they attempt to run off on one of their tangents, reassert your desire to cancel. Task complete.

Deek, I don’t know if you heard the original hell-tape, but the wife did that for over 10 minutes before her husband took over and started recording it … and it still took 10 minutes of just saying “no” on a loop, interspersed with, “Seriously, I am saying no, why are you still doing this to me?”

I do believe it depends on who you talk to. I talk to a person who was just yeah, ok you can cancel just bring your stuff in and pay your bill. But I’m sure there are alot of people who have to talk to five different people and stay on hold for an hour.

Honestly has anyone ever tried to just take their equipment back to the outpost and tell them you want to cancel? The people at the outposts seem alot cooler about stuff than the people on the phone.

@wackazoa When I cancelled my FIOS I told them “I can bring the stuff into the Verizon store.”

But no, they can’t accept equipment there. They have to send me boxes to ship the stuff back in. Prepaid. Fine. No problem.

I get the boxes on Thursday before the 4th of July weekend. Got a text on Wednesday reminding me to send back the equipment before I even had the boxes. Got an e-mail on Saturday. Got a CALL on Monday.

It took them over a week to send me the boxes, and then they hassled me every day about it.

If you look over the full handbook, there are some other options, like claiming you lost your job and can’t afford cable any more. They might try to downgrade you to a cheaper tier, but if you say “I can only afford $1 per month” they might give up.

Called Bright House and scheduled them to come in and set me up with just internet.

Called Verizon afterward to disconnect, got the Retention department, the guy started asking why I was leaving and I said “Well, my bill went up $30 and I don’t want to pay that” and he said “Well, I think I can get you a new two year contract without increasing your bill” and I said “That would have been great if I’d been offered that when I called last week. But Bright House has already disconnected your service” “Well we can get a tech in to hook it back up” “No, but if I’m not happy with their service I’ll definitely consider returning to your service” “You know there will be re activation charges, right?” “Well…I guess that will be a factor in any future decision.”

I cancelled my Comcast account and switched to RCN a little over 3 months ago. Other than the “are you sure you’d like to cancel?” questions that every single customer service rep will ask regardless of what service you’re cancelling, it was quick and fairly painless. Could have been the rep I got though.

I cancelled about 2 or 3 weeks ago because I was moving from a comcast only town to one that thankfully believes in capitalism. Anyway, I just told them I was being transferred for work overseas, Dubai.
End of discussion. Whole call took less than five minutes.

OK, so anyhoo, dealing with customer service isn’t like trying to decode the Voynich Manuscript, just make up some bullshit if you have to or tell them to fuck off if you’re telling the truth and have the call escalated. The only time I wanted to murder Hitler was when I was overcharged for something and had to spend an hour on the phone to get a refund. But guess what happened though–I got a refund.

@Aunt Jemima yeah, you have to just paste the address in, you can’t wrap it around a word. It is strange.

Also, one of the overlords hinted to me in a PM that they’re working on something something gawd I hope he wasn’t just fucking with me so maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel or maybe I’m just fucking with you and that never happened.

imgur.com/gallery/jBSLo (not special, just had it open in another tab)

It’s weird though because sometimes a href works but then it doesn’t. I want to know the threshold I need not cross for my post to go through. Uproxx has the most inconsistent commenting I’ve encountered in my 23 years of interneting. I see they use wordpress but no other site I’ve seen using it has this problem. It’s like they’re doing it on purpose to piss us off. To back up my argument I present to you most of their editors.

After all that blew up, we called in & started asking how much stuff costs. They have all these secret deals that nobody knows about & we were able to get some premium channels for “free” after they then tied in a free DVR deal. But their package structure is insane & there is no legit way to tell what you are actually paying for.

Do you show every NFL game every Sunday start to finish? No? Yeah that’s why I am discontinuing service.

Are you going to make this any harder than it has to be?

No, I don’t want a discount on my service, I want the NFL package. Have you added that since we started talking?

I’m not frustrated, I am just not interested in any discounts or upgrades that don’t involve the NFL package.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! I JUST WANT TO CANCEL MY SERVICE
*Furiously hits the “end” button like a goddam boss.

Next day I put all Comcast equipment into a bankers box, and drive down to the Comcast office. Wait in line for 5 minutes, give the guy all my equipment and say I need to cancel my service.

He says why? I say, I want DirecTV so I can have the NFL package. He says, yeah I wish I could have that. Says he has cancelled service and has pro rated the billing. Then tells me I have a credit of 90 something dollars coming in the mail in the form of a check, and it will be delivered sometime in the next 6 weeks and hopes I have a nice day.

Total time on phone 30 minutes – Felt like an eternity
Total time in store 15 minutes.

Long story short, the cashiers at the offices aren’t retention specialists so they aren’t trained to handle you dumping a box full of Comcast gear in their lap. Easiest way to do it IMHO.