Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Faltering

In less than two weeks, it will be 2 years since James died. I know this, I sort of understand this and I sort of can't wrap my head around it all at the same time. I am definitely in a better place now than I was this time last year. Last year, I was curled up on my friend's couch crying that I was a fraud and I was just fooling myself and everyone else that I could actually do this because I couldn't. I'm sure that wasn't really reassuring to someone who was only about 3 1/2 months widowed at the time and who once told me one of the first things he noticed about me was my strength.

I think over the last year I have proven that I can actually do this. I still don't want to, but I can and will continue to do so. But as I get closer to the two year mark, I feel myself faltering. I miss James so much more everyday. I feel myself wanting to push others away again-out of my life so they can't hurt me by abandoning me. I don't want to need anyone, but the truth is I do. We all need someone. Not necessarily a partner but at the very least a good friend, and I truly am blessed with the friends I have. I couldn't have made it this far without them.

I see improvement. Last year I was overdoing it to avoid thinking about the 1 year anniversary of James' death. Now I am doing it because I have found a group that does a lot of fun things and I don't want to miss out on any of them. But at the last event I went to (a volunteer orientation), I found myself kind of standing on the outside of the group of people I knew and feeling like I didn't really belong as part of their group. It wasn't because of anything anyone said or did; just that desire to not belong so I can just walk away-putting up those walls and sending out that vibe so people wouldn't want to be around me. But at the same time, I felt so desperate to be with them. I am feeling torn between looking forward to my new life but still wishing for my old one.

So far, my schedule is pretty light for next week, but that could change. I have tried not to schedule anything for next Saturday just in case I need to be alone. I have bunco that night, however, which so far I am planning to attend.

It doesn't help that I am tired-mostly from doing too much and partly from not eating properly or getting enough exercise. I haven't slept well for years so that is nothing new (I have slept MUCH better since fixing the door though).

I have read the posts on the message board about what others have gone through as they approach their two year marks so I know what I am going through is normal. I just hope I don't keep faltering once I make it past the 6th.

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About Me

I started blogging not long after my world was completely shattered when my fiance unexpectedly passed away. Seven years later, I feel I've put most of the pieces back together and am not working on pursuing those things which make me truly happy.