Kwoon

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All Rise...

The Charge

It's like porno, but with kung-fu instead of sex.

Opening Statement

"Bad acting…good kung fu" is the holy mantra of KWOON,
the low-budget, independent, badly scripted kung-fu adventures from Silicon
Valley, originally broadcast on the internet as a series of short films now
available on DVD. Chock full of high kicks, clownery, mobsters, mummies, grim
reapers, and hot girls, it's hard to find qualm with KWOON, which never
takes itself seriously for a second and has too many bloody nipples to inspire
any hard feelings with even the most cynical and stuck-up viewer.

Facts of the Case

All three KWOON episodes are included on this DVD—episodes two,
three, and four, that is. (Shot in reverse order, the first episode has yet to
be completed, in case you are wondering where the alpha episode went.)

Episode 2…Death vs. Kung Fu Car Wash

To earn some extra cash, the KWOON students decide to hold a car wash in
order to scrounge together some dollar bills to enter a martial arts tournament.
By a bizarre string of coincidences, however, the students accidentally get
placed on Death's "naughty" list and are marked for immediate
extermination. Fortunately for the KWOON kids, the field agents of the Ministry
of Death have their hands full and decide to send the new kid, Mort, to tag and
bag the kung-fu students.

Episode 3…Collection Agency

It's a typical day for the students of KWOON, hanging out in the stock room,
playing with all the weapons. But when a Fresno gangster places an order for 45
swords, KWOON springs into action and ships the order. Unfortunately, the
gangster is less than forthcoming with any sort of monetary compensation for the
merchandise. When the gang goes to investigate and invoice the mobster in
person, they find out firsthand who ended up with all the swords…

Episode 4…Mummy Dearest

A day like any other, except for the following: while researching a school
paper, the KWOON gang ends up resurrecting a 3,000-year old mummy, who begins to
terrorize the museum. Luckily, the gang springs to action, piles into the
Mystery Machine, and uncovers the real culprit—Old Man Winters, who runs
the haunted amusement park! Also, the mummy knows kung-fu.

The Evidence

What makes me love KWOON, in a special warm fuzzy way, is how it
reminds me of making camcorder videos with my friends in high school. Once, we
made this film that started off as a documentary about upper-class inner-city
youths, but, by the end of the film, it had turned into a "killer monster
from the microwave" movie, and we were all viciously slain by an unseen
monster, except that I came back to life dressed up in this Viking costume we
found in the basement, complete with fur loincloth, and…

Er, never mind that part. (Also, I wish I was kidding about the
loincloth.)

KWOON is seriously independent filmmaking. According to legend,
creator/writer/director/kung-fu student Todd Roy (who casts himself as the
comedic nipple-bleeding buffoon in his own films) made a cool $100,000 playing
the stock markets and decided to "invest" his profits by bankrolling
KWOON. Resisting the temptation to do all the other things you can do
with a $100,000 (e.g., anything), he cast other kung-fu students and friends as
actors and went to it. The final result manifested as episodes originally found
on the internet at the official KWOON website (www.KWOON.com), a site that soon
found a large and devoted fan base, spreading rapidly by word of mouth.

Though the makers of KWOON proudly advertise their rampant bad acting
skills, in truth, I've seen worse. Heck, they act better than I ever could.
Truthfully, it looks exactly like it should: a bunch of kung-fu students getting
together to make short films about fighting mummies and mobsters. As such, it
has an inherent honesty and freshness to it, an enjoyable lack of
pretentiousness that can be relished like fine wine. And speaking of wine: that
is what the kung-fu antics flow like—these kids have some pretty
impressive moves.

The students stumble, pummel, swing fists, and deliver each line with such
killer deadpan intonation that even the most uptight observer is bound to crack
a smile at some point during each episode. In a way, KWOON plays like a
kung-fu version of Scooby Doo—minus the dog, and the van, and Old
Man Winters, that is. The students run into an absurdly comical nemesis, some
kung-fu fighting and slapstick buffoonery ensues, Todd ends up with bloody
nipples, and the cycle repeats. Juvenile, perhaps; but it is a formula executed
to comedic perfection.

The video and audio quality on this DVD reflect the fiscally challenged
roots that KWOON sprouts from, but, all things considered, the episodes
actually look pretty impressive. Obvious care has gone into making each episode
look and sound as nice as possible, and, for the most part, the effort pays off.
Forget downloading video off the internet—DVD is the way to go with
KWOON.

The video, presented in a simple 1.85:1 aspect ratio is modestly crisp and
clear, with an occasional over-saturation of reds and greens in the image, but
nothing too distracting. Black levels are respectable, and all the action comes
across effectively and clearly. The dialogue oftentimes is recorded too quietly
to be easily discerned, and distortion, wind noise, and other ambient sounds
often overpower the mix. But the music is always effective (if slightly
repetitive), and the mandatory kung-fu oomphs, swishes, and thuds pound out the
speakers appropriately.

As if the kung-fu goodness wasn't enough, KWOON comes absolutely
loaded with 90 minutes worth of extra content, including a hilarious commentary
with cast for each episode, laughing at their martial-arts buffoonery and
pointing out all the small, nitpicking mistakes and errors made during filming.
A wide battery of outtakes, fight practice and demonstration footage,
behind-the-scene glimpses, trailers, and hidden Easter eggs pepper the disc,
providing interest and enjoyment aplenty. In fact, some of the best jokes and
gags are present in these small vignettes. One of the more interesting elements
of these features involves the laborious hoop-jumping involved in pitching a
project like KWOON to producers and the entire DVD-crafting and -creating
production, which is infinitely more complicated than one could ever conceive.
Much credit should go to the KWOON creators for including so much extra
content and so many inside jokes on this DVD for the enjoyment of the
public.

But, by far, the most endearing quality of KWOON is not the kung-fu
or the hilariously corny acting, or even the inanely scripted storylines. What
takes the cake in the enjoyment department is the knowledge that the creators of
KWOON not only obviously love making each and every martial-arts episode,
but also have incredible fun doing it. And this feeling of fun permeates every
digitally encoded bit on this DVD. A lot of hilarious energy went into crafting
KWOON in its various incarnations across the internet and DVD, and the
enjoyment is utterly contagious—kind of like the stomach flu, except the
kind that makes you laugh instead of having explosive diarrhea.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

A rebuttal argument about the lower points of KWOON would be foolhardy
and end up nowhere. The film's obvious faults could easily be interpreted as its
strengths. For example, sure, bad acting sucks…but, on the other hand, bad
acting kind of rules. Lousy production values are lame…but can also be
campy and fun as all heck. Get the idea?

It really depends on which side of the cinematic railroad tracks you want to
be on at the end of the day. Citizen
Kane, it ain't…but KWOON never even remotely aspires for such
lofty or pretentious heights. And therein lies the distinction that separates
all independent and B-movie aficionados from their snobby A-list brethren. This
is indie quality filmmaking at its best: full of bad acting, kung-fu, bloody
nipples, and wisecracking grim reaper skeleton marionettes. And for what
KWOON sets out to do, it does it pretty freaking spectacularly.

Closing Statement

KWOON makes me happy about film and being a movie-reviewing-guy. Just
knowing that people still choose to spend their hard-earned money financing
projects like KWOON, that people are creating films on an independent
level, sharing them with as many people as possible…well, it fills my
heart with low-budget goodness. And the fact that bloody nipples happens to be
the personal messages that the creators of KWOON hope to spread across
the planet only makes me happier.

KWOON will appeal to many: the die-hard independent film crowd, the
campy Troma crowd, those nurtured by drive-in martial-arts classics, or those
who would gather amusement from seeing people kung-fu fight a mummy (which,
theoretically, is every man on the planet). Pick up KWOON for a night of
campy kung-fu enjoyment, and feel good about supporting the independent
filmmaking spirit all at the same time.