I have a problem! Deep inside, I have a terrible longing and I don’t
know what to do. I can’t even tell Mom…! I’m scared but, OK, here it
is: I’m tired of washing Daddy’s underwear and carefully plucking the
sweaterberries off Mom’s Sunday sweater. I want to go to Big City! But
my friends tell me that if I do, I’ll lose my moral fiber. But I’m 21
and I have a really fast metabolism, so I don’t think I really need
all the Metagutcil ™ they keep giving me!

Yours truly,
Sandra Slide

Dear Slip-n-Slide,

You are in BIG TROUBLE! Don’t make it harder on yourself by wandering
down the primrose path. Especially avoid the super cheap deal on
Browndog bus (sponsored by Metagutcil ™) that will take you through Big
City and all the way to San Francisco for exactly the amount you have
in that plastic baggie hidden in the septic tank. Your tooth fairy and
angora-rabbit sitting money is supposed to go the church, remember??
And whatever you do, do not arrive just in time to make it to TheOasis for Above and Beyond the Valley of the Ultra Showgirls. Do not,
and I repeat, do not, show up there with your pink suitcase in hand,
and let someone “nice” take you home and feed you after the show.

But, and I mean a big but, you may not even make it through the emotional
rollercoaster ride they have in store for you. First of all, some of
the singers have very big arms and hair on their wrists. Secondly, I’m
not sure that all of the cast members, particularly Karla Rossi
(Lavale William Davis) have shown their birth certificates to anyone,
ever. But, and this is a smaller but equally important but, almost all
of the characters are named after beverages. Now, this may not seem
like an insult to our intelligence at first, but then you realize they
are not only beverages, but foreign beverages.

I want to be clear here, I do not like Chardonnay (John Paul
Gonzalez), either as a beverage or a character. Just because a
terrible thing happens to her (I know I’m not spoiling it, since you
won’t see it, ever) and she has to learn to sing and tell jokes and
eat with her mouth only, doesn’t mean I have pity for her. And I just
want to say that the last time I checked, those orange prison outfits
were pantsuits not dresses.

In a story that’s supposed to be about friendship, but is instead about selfishness, Chardonnay and Chablis (D’Arcy Drollinger) are cast aside even by their “best” friend Gewurtztraminer (Nancy French) — as if any country on God’s good Earth would call a beverage that!

Nancy French, photo by Gareth Gooch

Gewurtztraminer is skinnier and smoother, so of course everyone likes her better, even though the others play their guitars like they had a whole band behind them. Like a band on one of those late night TV shows that get beamed in from the coast when we’re supposed to be late night hook-rugging for the Hook Rug competition. As a matter of fact, my own entry this year has a message that The Oasis people should take to heart before they make more shows aimed at further loosening the moral fiber that is just beginning to stiffen now that we have a real American in the White House:

A society who kills its fetuses
is really killing its Girl Scouts

Just take a moment to take that in. And keep this in mind, these coastal elites think we don’t get their double on-tenders. They think we don’t know they’re trying to press on our tender places. The whole story gets moving because some “producer” called Richard Face (Manuel Caneri) discovers Gewurztraminer and gives her a real name, Sherry.

They think we won’t get the reference to the last time someone who knew a thing or two about the inner lives of fetuses was in the White House. They may as well have called the producer “Cheney Face.” They try to manipulate my fantasies of getting to know the Vice President by showing this Face engaging in sexual activities with Chablis, even though he’s already married to Mrs. Cheney, I mean Sherry. They suggest he was some kind of manipulator aiming to squeeze the life out of our country to make him and his pals rich.

Whatever you do, Slippy-Slidey, don’t get on that Browndog bus that leaves tomorrow from just behind the Save-n-Go, where you can tell your parents you’re going for special needles to knit angora rabbit fur. Do not get on that bus! Because that bus will lead you to Above and Beyond the Valley of the Ultra Showgirls, a show they’ll tell you has been around in one form or another for twenty years. As if that were American history! You might meet someone “nice” there who buys you a drink and tells you life is short and you should have some “fun.” Listen very carefully, Slippy: don’t let the big hair cloud your eyes (and by the way, it’s not even real!!), the outfits dazzle you, or the fast pace, pun-master lyrics, and great comic timing draw you in.

They’ll tell you we all have dreams, like Cristal Anderson (Melinda Campero) who always wanted to sing, but never got the chance (chance, chance, chance). No! Your chance (chance, chance, chance) is right here in Carrie Nation, where our performances are not queer, but are clear. We’re stiffening our moral fibers and thrusting into a new dawn, and finally we have the leadership we need to keep women — with and without deep voices — from taking up the dream-space that real white men need and deserve.