Discussions By Condition: Mental conditions

What now?

HI, I was first diagnosed with clinical depression back in 2003 when I was 16. 6 years later I have now been told I have major depressive disorder with chronic anxiety. I have also been told I have psychomotor retardation. For years I have taken different types of anti deperessants. 6 different types of SSRI and 1 MAOI. None of these have helped me. I have seen 3 different psychiatrists but discharged myself from the last one because she was controlling everything I did and trying to get my children taken away from me.

I see my Dr regularly even though I don't like to and have just fininshed a computer cognitive behavioural therapy course. I'm due to start group therapy for anxiety management soon but the thought is scaring me to death.

Every night when I go to sleep I say my goodbyes in my head because I'm convinced I'm not going to wake up in the morning. I spend my days on the interent looking up things about death. I know this won't help my paranoia but I can't help it. I'm obsessed with death.

I have bad spending habits. I can be overdrawn on my bank balance but still spend a lot of money on the internet on things I really don't need.

I can't have the curtains open in my house because people stare in at me.There is a man who haunts me in my dreams. he tries to hurt me and this scares me a lot also. Sometimes he is there when I am awake too.

I don't know what to do, I feel I've tried every medical option available so my question is...what now?

2 Replies:

Hello lost ... Firstly, I'd like to commend you on your efforts; I believe the group therapy you mention attending soon for anxiety management is a wonderful idea ... it will also help remedy the depression and boost your self-esteem as well. As for your fear, remember ... others are there for the same reasons; you will relax when you realize you are not alone and are among others that are hurting much like you, and some ... perhaps much worse. You mention that you just completed an online cognitive behavioral therapy course ... did that help? Do you have materials on hand to refer to on a regular basis? Also materials to aid you in detail, as far as your day-to-day, moment-by-moment, and situational automatic thought patterns? Do you have a founded belief system, something or someone you can always count on? In my case, faith. Is your personality, typically that of type A or type B? Do you have a lot of stressors in your life? Present or past situations that you hurt about or that continue to "pop up" and disturb you? I ask because it sounds a little bit like Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in addition to generalized anxiety without cause along with the clinical depression. The OCD, I suspect because you mention your paranoia and obsession with death; the PTSD, I suspect because of the clinical depression, anxiety, social phobia and fears you mention. I understand the problems you mention with psychiatrists, I've seen it time and again ... and once experienced it myself. You say you see your doctor regularly ... I understand that to mean, perhaps, that your general practitioner (GP) or your primary care provider (PCP) are treating you at present with meds? This is common as well, sadly, due to some psychiatrists with what I like to refer to as the "God Complex." How is your sleep? You say you have nightmares, but when you wake up, do you feel rested? Drowsy throughout the day? Groggy? Could your nightmares be a side-effect of your medication(s); when did the nightmares begin? A lot of questions, I know, sorry ... best to start at the beginning though so that nothing gets overlooked. I don't want to give advice/opinion prior to having an accurate picture. Elsewhere in here, I posted some good information on one thread; I'll go grab the link to that thread and post it for you as well. I check the boards daily, so I assure you that I will reply soon; probably later today. I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly. I'll seek out those links now and post them ASAP. Typically though, if those online courses do not have materials for you to print and use on a regular basis to challenge your cognitive thought patterns and feelings ... they aren't very effective. :)