If there's ever a time you can't find me, don't worry. I'm doing alright. I'm probably hiding out somewhere counting my blessings, mumbling something about sunshine, wondering how much love I can live in a lifetime.

– Shihan the Poet

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Notes from my 68th trip (Work of José Rosa)

If Flora just said that she wanted me to go back to Brazil, I would go.

When your heart is broken, your body no longer does what you tell it to do. It is the strangest sensation, living apart from half of yourself.

I used to feel like the son of sons, blessed by the wings of the sun. Now I feel hopeless, lost, like it has all ben taken away for a reason that I can't seem to figure out.

I think the moment I fell in love w/ Desirée is when she told me that the highest form of love is friendship. But I fell in love w/ Flora before we said anything meaningful to each other. The eyes, it was the eyes.

I think I've been walking around w/ my broken heart on my sleeve. People can tell something is off. I basically came home a wounded version of myself.

I don't think there was one time where my parents got to see what I am like completely happy. How sad.

Desirée guided me out of the trenches of a broken heart much like a mother guides a lost child.

How ridiculously arrogant you must be to have a ring-name like "The Alien". You are basically saying that there are not words on this planet that have the capacity to define you.

I'm sad b/c I am no longer the fighter I once was. When I look at old videos and photos, I don't know where that person went. It is like they are too distant to reclaim.

If you live your life like it is meant to be lived, everything will be provided for you. You have to trust in that.

I don't think people fully understand why someone would show up to the gym everyday, wake up and run at 5 in the morning, or endure an excruciatingly cruel diet. They are refusing to die, do you understand? That is what a fighter is. It is when a person decided to take control of their fate.

You know what it is? I just want to be desired again, sought after. I want to be missed by someone.

A profound lesson I learned tonight is that it is always better to work in the light than it is to wander in the darkness without responsibility.

I think a large part of why I am back in Seattle is to properly close the relationship Desirée and I had.