The Ego-Meter:

Friday, February 08, 2013

METRO's Accident

More Industrial-Strength Silliness

METRO's Accident
By El Capitan
With apologies to Arlo Guthrie

This blogpost is called METRO's Accident, and it's about METRO, and the Accident, but METRO's Accident is not the official name of the incident, that's just the name of the blogpost, and that's why I called the blogpost METRO's Accident.

You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident
You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident
In the wind and the rain you'll have a ball,
Just a block and a half from City Hall!
You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident

Now it all started a few days ago, was a coupla days ago on Groundhog Day, when my friend and I went out to catch the employee shuttle bus at the corner. METRO doesn't own the corner, but they have a stop there and our shuttle uses it along with taxicabs and jitneys and the occasional red VW microbus.

Well, we got there at the corner and there was a big METRO bus that had turned in too sharply and a clipped a corner on our shuttle bus and knocked off a side mirror They had a sign across the shuttle bus door saying, "Closed for accident investigation." And we had never heard of a shuttle bus closed after work before, and with tears in our eyes we wandered around looking for another way to get out to remote parking.

We didn't find one. It was cold and wet and nasty and there was no way we were gonna walk all that way.
METRO had to get their act to gether and move their big ol' bus. So, we were standing around grousing until we were told to move out of the way by Officer Scobie. Officer Scobie is a METRO police officer, which means he works for the bus company. They're kind of like a real police officer, except fatter and slower and not quite as bright. He said, "Sir, your employee badge says you work here, and I just want to know if you had any information about what happened." And I said, "No, sir, Officer Scobie, I cannot tell a lie, I didn't see shit."

After speaking to Officer Scobie for about four or five minutes we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said that we had to wait until the METRO Accident Investigation Team arrived and did their thing.
So we stood around in the cold rain and waited and waited and waited.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done for us, and the first was he could have given us a medal for being so brave and honest about not seeing shit, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have driven us out to remote parking himself and saved us a wait which *really* wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it.

There was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both told to go sit on the granite wall with all the folks they'd evacuated from the METRO bus. We'll call 'em Group W.

There was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking people on the wall there.
Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers!
Father rapers sitting right there on the wall next to me! And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the wall next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said, "Hey, ya got any spare change?"
I said, "I don't got nothing. How much are ya lookin' for?"
He said, "I need about Tree-Fiddy."
And I said, "Got-DAMN Loch Ness Monstah!!!."
And they all moved away from me on the wall there, and gave me the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I said, "Fuck da Po-leece." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the wall, talkin about crime, mother stabbing, father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the wall. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigars and all kinds of things.

And that's what we did, sat on the granite wall and watched the investigation unfold.
There was five METRO police officers and three police cars, being the biggest event of the last few hours, and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the METRO police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against the bus driver. Took pictures of the approach, the broken mirror, the northwest corner, the southwest corner and that's not to mention the aerial photography.

After the investigation finally wound down, someone finally shook loose another shuttle bus, and the Group W folks got back on the METRO bus, and we got onto the shuttle, and hopefully we all got home that night.

The only reason I'm telling you this story now is cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if you're in a situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk up to the METRO cop wherever you are ,just walk up say "Officer, You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident". And walk away.
You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he's really weird and they won't hassle him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both hipsters and they won't TASER either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking around quotin' a line of METRO's Accident? They may think it's an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day, I said
fifty people a day walking around quotin' a line of METRO's Accident?
Friends, they may think it's a movement!

And that's what it is, the METRO's Accident Anti-Wall Sittin' Movement, and all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident
You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident
In the wind and the rain you'll have a ball,
Just a block and a half from City Hall!
You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident

All right now, one more time!

You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident
You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident
In the wind and the rain you'll have a ball,
Just a block and a half from City Hall!
You will sit and wait for an hour or so at METRO's Accident