Did you ever dream that you were a dog agility super champ except then it switched and you were at some germy, grungy, derelict seaside park in the dark and the carnies were actually drug addled zombies that were shambling after you with hammers and their big teeth? And then as you're trying to escape your way out from under their oily, horrible claws by clambering up a rat infested palm tree, you're all, this is about dog agility like, how?

21 December 2008

Classy holiday gift wrapping-a primer.

Martha once told me, beautiful gift wrapping sends a message of thoughtfulness that is as important as the gift itself. Especially if it's a gift from Oprah.

So, say you can't find the scissors, do not use a butter spreader to cut the paper you bought from the super discount bin a few years back. Use something sharper. Maybe a sheetrock screw.

Carefully take out any wrinkles on reused paper that you saved by carefully unwrapping a candle or something and just sort of cover the tapey bits with some more tapey bits. Sometimes the tapey bits show through. But possibly you can find a plastic butterfly and just cram it over the tapey bits and maybe jam in a sheetrock screw to hold it there.

And if you are a parent of a small child that may be receiving stuffed animals from me this year, you won't care if there are a few teeth marks on it, right? Really. Just a couple. Maybe only one tooth mark. Very small toothmark. Teensy, tiny, shrimy little toothmark. No slobber. Still clean. Really! And it's not really a stuffed animal. It's a froggy backpack! How cute is that? Dogs CANNOT have one. Little backpack straps and you shove stuff in through it's froggy throat! Take that dogs. You get some dog food. No froggy backpacks for you. Fangs be gone!

I even recycle the gift tags. "To Mom From Susan" in Susan's handwriting hurriedly saved from last year's gift fest can be neatly applied to the plaster-of-paris cabbage wall hanging that I just know mom will love but altruistically don't want to take credit for it and so I'll let Susan get all of mom's gratitude.

Laura Hartwick, Captain

Many people around Santa Cruz know Laura as the lady with all those little black dogs. Many people know her as a horse trainer. Many people know her as the artist with the small brushes. Many people know her as that hoity graphic designer.
None of them would be wrong.
All the dogs of Team Small Dog, righteously awesome.
Laura Hartwick is usually a nice person. Except when she isn't. Be nice, don't bite, and run faster.