Advice please! Single mum.

Hello everyone, I'm 11.4 weeks pregnant, the father is someone I was casualy seeing but not anymore. I've been really struggling with this alone since finding out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I was going to have an abortion, I thought that was the right thing to do at first because I'm on my own, it's unplanned, I'm currently unemployed and have no money.... But I couldn't do it, for those reasons, started to seem like they weren't good enough reasons to get rid. I told the father a couple of days ago, he was mortified. He has children already and a happy little family of his own. I then realised that it wasn't just an awkward situation because he has kids and we aren't a couple, but that he clearly has a girlfriend or possibly is back with the mother of his kids.. So he was actually cheating on her with me, which I didn't know. Anyway, he freaked out and said I need to get rid of it. He is terrified of his family finding out. I told him that I'm really not comfortable with doing that and that if I keep it, I don't expect anything from him and if he's that scared and against it I won't tell anyone it's his.. Which hurts just to type. How can I kill my unborn child just because he's scared his secret will come out?? The only reason I've started to think about abortion again since telling him is to keep him happy. Deep down, I don't want to do this. I can't bring myself to get rid now. I feel like I've already got a strong bond with him/her and quite prepared to be a single mother. I'm now in a situation where he thinks he's convinced me to get rid because it MIGHT ruin HIS life. But realistically, I'm keeping it. Is it wrong to bring up a child telling him he has no father when I know exactly who the father is and live in the same town. Don't get me wrong, I wanted him to at least except it and be known, but he won't ever admit what he has done and I can see things being extremely difficult in the future. What do I tell people when they ask who the father is? If I'm keeping his secret because I don't want to be responsible for what will happen to him if his family find out. Or do I throw him under the bus and tell people it's his and if word gets to him then so be it? After all, why should I look out for him and make mine and my child's life difficult after he's been such an asshole!? I hate that I'm in this situation and I hope you don't all judge me too harshly. I don't have anyone to talk to and really need some advice. Please help.

Comments (35)

Feel for you so much, the pressure he is putting on you isn’t acceptable at all. He is being selfish and looking out for himself. Please do what you want and keep the baby. I also wouldn’t tell any fibs to protect him. He knew he had a family when he cheated, that isn’t your fault or the lo. X

He has done an awful thing by cheating but that is on him not you or your child. You and your child shouldn’t be punished for his behaviour. If you have sex with someone there is always a chance you could get pregnant so he was playing with fire. Stay strong and enjoy your precious gift. Cut him from your life so he can no longer say hurtful things to you. If he has nothing to do with your child he is the one missing out. Your child has a right to know who their father is so at some point you will probably end up sharing who he is. It’s whether you say something sooner or not if directly asked... I don’t think I could keep it a secret. Even if he chooses not to be in your child’s life he still owes you maintenance and should step up to his responsibilities. It’s him in the wrong and if that breaks down his family then that is fully on him xx

In terms of dealing with when people ask, I would just say "the Father's not in the picture. " They don't need to know anything else, and you're not lying.

As for raising the child, I guess you don't need to say anything about the father until they ask. Then it's up to you, you could tell the truth (in a way that won't be too upsetting, and not necessarily all the details) or you could say something like "I don't know where he is"

I wouldn't feel comfortable completely lying to my child about their father, and I don't think it should be on you to keep him safe. He did the stupid thing, it's his fault, and he needs to face the consequences. I don't mean the baby is a problem at all, more that his sleaziness might be revealed.

Sorry babe. But the man needs to be responsible for his actions. Matainance ect. No way would i let him swuirm out of that. If that means his family he kept secret from u finds out so be it. He made his bed. Sorry your going through this. Shit may well hit the fan now but given time things will get easier. If i was his wife/gf/partner i would want to know. Some men make me sick. Keep your bubs. Youll do amazing xxxx

Hi, I'm in a very similar situation. I had a whirlwind romance with a guy who told me I was perfect for him he wanted to be with me, said all the right things, I later found out from his mum (who I told that I'm pregnant as he randomly stopped contacting me and I was worried about him) that he's actually still with his gf, that I previously thought was his ex, this came as a massive shock to me, yes we fell pregnant unplanned but I thought we were building a relationship, yet the whole time he's still with his gf and they have a son together. He has asked me to have an abortion, he's told me to 'do the right thing' and have a termination, questioning how I will cope to try and convince me. His mum who I am in contact with now, I'm not in contact with him has said she's not going to tell his gf yet because I might loose the baby, as she put it. I asked her not to speak like that, overall his mums been OK apart from that and also I think he's lied to his mum about my intentions, that's clear. However I refuse to abort my baby because he cheated and can't face the consequences of his actions, I'm more that capable of raising this baby on my own, and I know in the long run i won't have any regrets about my decision to keep the baby. I had some good advice from some friends in the early stage when my head was a mess, don't involve anyone else's opinions or needs in your decision, it's your body and your baby and only you should make that decision, so don't let him pressure you. For me personally I know that when I'm holding my baby and looking into my babies eyes I won't have any doubt in my mind that I did the right thing, however if I had a termination as he's so desperate for me to do I'm sure of regret it every day for the rest of my life. He owes you maintenance and may even come round later down the line, I don't think you should lie for him, he did this, so why should you be expected to cover it up. Be open and honest about it, I have considered telling my baby's father's gf about the situation myself as his mum stated she won't until later on but as shes asked me not to ill respect that for now, but clearly it will come out at some point. I hope you are able to get things sorted in your own head and then you can look forward to having your baby and that's a blessing for you don't let him make you feel anything else.

Hey, I was seeing someone, he was single no other children etc but clearly doesn’t want kids, as soon as he found out I was keeping this baby he disappeared, blocked me on everything & told me never to speak to him again. My family & friends know who the baby’s father is because obviously we were together & I wasn’t sleeping around but his family know nothing about this baby. It’s quite hard to get your head around someone being so unattached when you already are but that’s just some men for you. I plan not to tell anyone else who the dad is, it’ll just be “he’s not around” or “we don’t have any contact with him”. When baby is old enough then he/she can make up their own mind if they want to find him but until that point I am hoping that telling them that it just “didn’t work out between us & he wasn’t ready for the responsibility” will do.
On the flip side (as I’ve done this twice alone before but the dads are involved in their kids lives) here are some positives to him not wanting any involvement:
-He won’t be taking you to court for contact (this costs thousands!)
-You get to pick a name you love without any interference!
-Your house your rules, no one to undermine your boundaries for your child and confuse them.
-No one telling you that co-sleeping/dummies/bottles/literally anything else are wrong.
-All the love on Mother’s Day AND Father’s Day!

There are loads more (although to those ladies with partners they have their plus points too!), just enjoy your pregnancy & your baby... you’ve got this! Xx

In a similar situation, he does not have kids or another girlfriend but doesn't want anything to do with the baby. It's emotionally hard. For the moment I just tell people he is taking time to come to terms with it. I feel no guilt for doing it on my own and long term he will be the one that misses out.

The same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with my now 5 year old son when I found out I was pregnant with him the man I was seeing was pushin me for an abortion claiming he would kill himself etc I think he has some kind of mental illness anyway I told him I was keeping the baby turned out he was married with 4 kids already he doesn’t see my 5 yr old has never wants to and just pays child maintenance every month so don’t listen to what the father wants it’s ur body it’s ur life if any one asks who my sons father is I would say a waste of space my husband is great stepfather to him now 😊

What a slimebag he is. You can do this on your own babe but don't keep his secret why should he get off with This? Don't tell family and friends you don't know who the father is, tell them the name and tell them the truth. And make sure you get maintenance once the baby is born. You got this mama ❤

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