My BI Dilemma

Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I really see myself with him for a very long time, if not forever.

I've still never been with a woman, and it's starting to eat away at me a little. Like, I've started to avoid hanging out with one of my best friends because she's gay and I get jealous of her and her experiences. My boyfriend and I have talked about a threesome, though I honestly don't think it'll happen, but I wouldn't want my first experience with a girl to involve him anyway (no offense to him). At the same time, if he let me go off and experiment on my own (I don't think he'd do that), I can't say that I wouldn't get emotionally involved with some woman. Though maybe that's what I'm really craving, a real relationship with a woman.

God, I'm so torn. I'm so madly in love with my man, and I would never want to be without him. But there's this whole other part of me that I've never gotten to experience. In a recent discussion I started, someone advised me not to suppress my fantasies because I'll end up wandering off to find them. I'm afraid of this here. I just feel really lost and need some advice.

Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't
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Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I really see myself with him for a very long time, if not forever.

I've still never been with a woman, and it's starting to eat away at me a little. Like, I've started to avoid hanging out with one of my best friends because she's gay and I get jealous of her and her experiences. My boyfriend and I have talked about a threesome, though I honestly don't think it'll happen, but I wouldn't want my first experience with a girl to involve him anyway (no offense to him). At the same time, if he let me go off and experiment on my own (I don't think he'd do that), I can't say that I wouldn't get emotionally involved with some woman. Though maybe that's what I'm really craving, a real relationship with a woman.

God, I'm so torn. I'm so madly in love with my man, and I would never want to be without him. But there's this whole other part of me that I've never gotten to experience. In a recent discussion I started, someone advised me not to suppress my fantasies because I'll end up wandering off to find them. I'm afraid of this here. I just feel really lost and need some advice.

I was only with straight men for many many MANY years - always wanting to be with a woman.

If this is something you know you need, you will find a way to get it. So you should talk to your boyfriend and maybe take a couple of steps back in your relationship. Otherwise you are probably setting yourself and your boyfriend up for some serious heartache when the day comes that you have to deal with these feelings.

I was only with straight men for many many MANY years - always wanting to be with a woman.

If this is something you know you need, you will find a way to get it. So you should talk to your boyfriend and maybe take a couple of steps back in
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I was only with straight men for many many MANY years - always wanting to be with a woman.

If this is something you know you need, you will find a way to get it. So you should talk to your boyfriend and maybe take a couple of steps back in your relationship. Otherwise you are probably setting yourself and your boyfriend up for some serious heartache when the day comes that you have to deal with these feelings.

Do you think it'd be possible to "take a couple steps back" without hurting him? I can literally see him, if I had this conversation with him, throwing his hands up and being like "What the f***". When he feels hurt, he expresses anger. I really worry about hurting him if I take a break to explore. Also, I've lost him once before and I never never want to be there again. I know he feels the same way about losing me, and I've burned him him in the past so I know he doesn't completely trusts me again yet.

I can't speak for you relationship, but I think being honest about your feelings with your boyfriend is the best thing in general. Regardless of what you both decide to do about this letting him know at least tips him off to the dilemma you're facing, and maybe he'll be more receptive of letting you try something out.

My partner and I are both open and honest about her bisexuality (she's been with a handful of women) and my bi-curiosity. It's not a big deal for us. We've had a pair of 3-ways involving women, and she's experienced both men and women alone while in our relationship. It worked because of how we communicated and the boundaries and expectations we set up for each other. I know it doesn't work for everyone, and you do have to be careful not to turn experiences into full-blown relationships, but it can be done.

Sorry, sweetie. I'm kind of in the same boat myself. I've known I was bisexual for a while, but I've only ever really been with my current boyfriend, whom I love like broccoli kitten loves broccoli. A few months ago, I was at a party with a female friend and we ended up making out... My boyfriend was there, but instead of yelling at me, he suggested we talk it out. He's been my one and only sexual partner and he wants me to be able to explore my sexuality. The problem is--I know that even though he says that, it would kill him if I actually went off to experiment without him.

It's so hard to love someone with all your heart but then for curiosity to come knocking. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you want to put your current relationship on hold while you go out and play the field, or sacrifice those potential experiences with other women to stay safe in your relationship with your man. It's a tough call to make.

After a week or two of hardcore angsting over my dilemma, I tried to think about it logically (not easy when it comes to relationships!) Was I looking at other guys? Not really. I appreciated other men, but didn't even start to think about being with them instead of my boyfriend. Was I looking at other women? Sure, but only in curiosity. I was interested in dating a female because I wanted to know what it was like. What does she kiss like? What would we talk about? Would it be easier to communicate? I wasn't looking to replace my partner, I just wanted an experience. I weighed in on the benefits--learning something new about my sexuality while risking my relationship with the most wonderful man on the planet? Or just let those opportunities go so I wouldn't be hurting my partner? It was a tough choice, but I decided to go with the latter. It may not be the right choice for others, but I feel it was the right choice for me. I would never have been able to morally justify leaving my partner to explore, to myself. I know that I could date every last guy, girl, and other on this planet, but I'd never find anyone quite like my boyfriend. My willingness to commit to him is stronger than my curiosity to see the other side of the hill... by a very small margin. But it's just big enough.

You have to ask the tough questions and be brutally honest with yourself. It's important to talk it over with your partner too--he will want to share his thoughts with you. Whatever your decision, I hope that it brings you true happiness.

Sorry, sweetie. I'm kind of in the same boat myself. I've known I was bisexual for a while, but I've only ever really been with my current boyfriend, whom I love like broccoli kitten loves broccoli. A few months ago, I was at a party with
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Sorry, sweetie. I'm kind of in the same boat myself. I've known I was bisexual for a while, but I've only ever really been with my current boyfriend, whom I love like broccoli kitten loves broccoli. A few months ago, I was at a party with a female friend and we ended up making out... My boyfriend was there, but instead of yelling at me, he suggested we talk it out. He's been my one and only sexual partner and he wants me to be able to explore my sexuality. The problem is--I know that even though he says that, it would kill him if I actually went off to experiment without him.

It's so hard to love someone with all your heart but then for curiosity to come knocking. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you want to put your current relationship on hold while you go out and play the field, or sacrifice those potential experiences with other women to stay safe in your relationship with your man. It's a tough call to make.

After a week or two of hardcore angsting over my dilemma, I tried to think about it logically (not easy when it comes to relationships!) Was I looking at other guys? Not really. I appreciated other men, but didn't even start to think about being with them instead of my boyfriend. Was I looking at other women? Sure, but only in curiosity. I was interested in dating a female because I wanted to know what it was like. What does she kiss like? What would we talk about? Would it be easier to communicate? I wasn't looking to replace my partner, I just wanted an experience. I weighed in on the benefits--learning something new about my sexuality while risking my relationship with the most wonderful man on the planet? Or just let those opportunities go so I wouldn't be hurting my partner? It was a tough choice, but I decided to go with the latter. It may not be the right choice for others, but I feel it was the right choice for me. I would never have been able to morally justify leaving my partner to explore, to myself. I know that I could date every last guy, girl, and other on this planet, but I'd never find anyone quite like my boyfriend. My willingness to commit to him is stronger than my curiosity to see the other side of the hill... by a very small margin. But it's just big enough.

You have to ask the tough questions and be brutally honest with yourself. It's important to talk it over with your partner too--he will want to share his thoughts with you. Whatever your decision, I hope that it brings you true happiness.

"Ultimately, you have to decide whether you want to put your current relationship on hold while you go out and play the field, or sacrifice those potential experiences with other women to stay safe in your relationship with your man. It's a tough call to make."

Agreed. If you don't think your relationship is one which has room for solo exploration then I think a choice is in order and I do not expect it to be an easy one.

Although I don't much discuss it, I am in a similar boat. I have been in relationships with only males (with only cyber flings with females thrown in there for good measure) and am deeply in love with my husband, of course, but I don't know if our relationship will ever provide me opportunity to be with a female. While that's a disappointment, I keep in mind that curiosity may be pesky but my experience could certainly be one which would be disappointing as well. I'd rather go with the sure thing, for now at least.

I wonder if there might be something which can simulate this experience that might sate your appetite a bit? Like online interaction or roleplaying or something?

I'm married and I'm bi. My husband and I are working through the issues. I've been with a few women while we've been married and one was almost developing into a relationship. I had to bail because essentially I was then cheating and I didn't like how that felt to me or for him.

Discussing it within your relationship and coming to a decision is good, but whether it's a girl or a guy you're telling him you want more experience before settling down. Imagine being on the receiving end of news like that?

I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't want your first experience to be shared with your partner... it's not fair to you! What I did was tell him that I really really needed to explore this side and that I would talk him through it, but I couldn't have him be apart of it. He asked to watch and I explained that it was still being apart of it. So now, even though we're still in grey areas he gets that I love him to death, that I would never love another man like that, but that I have feelings and reactions and sexual desires for women that he can never ever satisfy.

I'd suggest getting online or going to a club, by yourself and just chatting some girls up. See how you feel, it's not sex, it doesn't have to be - but it will open doors.

I'm wishy-washy. I've had the random sexual experiences with women but never anything to do with being in love. The way I used to see it that in order to truly be bisexual I had to have the ability to fall in love with a woman.. which I didn't. Without that emotional attraction (beyond the physical) and the ability to develop romantic feelings for them, it was just sex that didn't truly mean I was bi. I was just a straight woman getting off with anyone and anything I could.

I realize now that if I were to engage in any sexual acts with any person (regardless of their gender) that it's a form of cheating because whether or not there's an emotional connection, it's still with someone that isn't my husband. I have a friend who says if you sleep with another guy it's cheating but if you sleep with a woman it isn't. To me it doesn't matter, if you're doing something that makes you feel guilty or goes against the fundamentals of your commitment and promise to your partner, than it's cheating. Would I like to be with women regardless if I consider it cheating or not? No. I feel really confident that I'm sexually fulfilled and there aren't any other venues I'd like to explore at this time.

If this is something you feel you have to do, than do it. When we suppress our desires it makes us frustrated, miserable, depressed and angry.. eventually, we channel all those feelings at our partners and resent them for our inability to go after what we want. Keep the lines of communication open- say, "darlin', I love you but this is something I have to do for myself", you can even stress how it will strengthen your relationship because you're upfront about it and don't sneak around behind his back. Know the saying that if you got a bird, you open the window and let the friggin' thing fly around shittin' everywhere, and how if it was meant to be it would eventually come back to you. Do whatever you can to convince your partner that it holds true. If you have to, take a break from your relationship to explore other venues.

Life is short and you are young, NOTHING is forever... to not do it now and then later regret it for the rest of your life because you didn't take a chance is unfair to you and your growth as a person.

I really want to thank everyone for your advice. I have tried to talk to him about this in the past, but he pulls the "Do whatever you want" line. I really need to sit him down and find out what HE wants.

I really have a feeling that this, like all my other fantasies so far, will not actually ever happen :-/

I really want to thank everyone for your advice. I have tried to talk to him about this in the past, but he pulls the "Do whatever you want" line. I really need to sit him down and find out what HE wants.

I really have a feeling
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I really want to thank everyone for your advice. I have tried to talk to him about this in the past, but he pulls the "Do whatever you want" line. I really need to sit him down and find out what HE wants.

I really have a feeling that this, like all my other fantasies so far, will not actually ever happen :-/

If it's something you really want and your partner truly loves you, they shouldn't deny you something unless it's detrimental to your health and well being. My husband keeps me from doing stupid stuff like crossing the street without looking when otherwise I'd just plow into traffic.. if your boyfriend stops you from pursuing desires that could potentially result in a life changing experience and emotional growth for you, than well... he doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend.

There was a good quote from House about this, and I'm going to paraphrase it:

He asks, "Do you miss sleeping with women?" She shoots the question back at him. Then they get in to this ice cream metaphor, where she compares him to rocky road, a "complex flavor." She says that sometimes, yeah, she wants to get in to the freezer and get out another flavor...but then she knows that somebody else is going to be eating the rocky road.

I dunno, I thought it was a pretty apt description of the common bi-dilemma. I'm technically not bi--I greatly prefer women and therefore consider myself a lesbian--but I'm only dating men now for various reasons, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the same trap.

If it's something you really want and your partner truly loves you, they shouldn't deny you something unless it's detrimental to your health and well being. My husband keeps me from doing stupid stuff like crossing the street without
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If it's something you really want and your partner truly loves you, they shouldn't deny you something unless it's detrimental to your health and well being. My husband keeps me from doing stupid stuff like crossing the street without looking when otherwise I'd just plow into traffic.. if your boyfriend stops you from pursuing desires that could potentially result in a life changing experience and emotional growth for you, than well... he doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend.

If it's something you really want and your partner truly loves you, they shouldn't deny you something unless it's detrimental to your health and well being. My husband keeps me from doing stupid stuff like crossing the street without
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If it's something you really want and your partner truly loves you, they shouldn't deny you something unless it's detrimental to your health and well being. My husband keeps me from doing stupid stuff like crossing the street without looking when otherwise I'd just plow into traffic.. if your boyfriend stops you from pursuing desires that could potentially result in a life changing experience and emotional growth for you, than well... he doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend.

Well, that's quite an assumption. My boyfriend might have his flaws (fear of losing me is NOT one of them, though), but he is a very good boyfriend. Imagine if you were in his shoes. I've hurt him before. I strayed during a rough spot and then lied to him about it for months, and now I'm tell him that I want to sleep with other people. I might not have portrayed Jared in the best light but this is a tough situation for him, something he's never had to deal with before. Please don't say he's not a good boyfriend. You don't even know him.

Like Adriana says, the opposite is also true. I love him with every bone in my body. I want to do everything I can to make him happy. If going off on my own for some sexual experiment would make him unhappy, then I won't do it.

God, I have been there and still am. My present b/f knew that I was "bi-curious" almost from the beginning, said he "understood" but he did not. We had too many discussions when we decided that I would try it...explained it like a "thing" that I had to get out of my system.He reluctantly agreed and I started a sexual relationship with a girl friend. Somewhat lessened the impact because she also has a b/f.
I need a guy in my life, I love my b/f even more now. He still accepts my g/f, who I see at times.

I don't really have any advice to offer -as this is a very personal decision for you- but I can share my experience of a similar situation--

I left my wonderful boyfriend of 2 years to explore my sexuality (and bisexuality) because he wasn't into being in an open relationship, even if it was a girl. It was difficult to leave him, but I didn't want to end up resenting him, so I left anyway. I figured if we were meant to be, we would get back together. We were still madly in love when I left, and the break up was *really* hard on him (this was two years ago, and he still has not had one girlfriend). I thought I would be sad about not being with him, but instead I felt liberated, sexy, & adventurous!

However, after a year of philandering I began missing him like crazy. I really wanted to get back together, and I could tell he wanted to also, but he had lost all trust in me. He said he couldn't bear to be hurt like that again. I don't blame him. In retrospect, my temporary sexual explorations weren't worth permanently losing him.

Well, that's quite an assumption. My boyfriend might have his flaws (fear of losing me is NOT one of them, though), but he is a very good boyfriend. Imagine if you were in his shoes. I've hurt him before. I strayed during a rough spot and
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Well, that's quite an assumption. My boyfriend might have his flaws (fear of losing me is NOT one of them, though), but he is a very good boyfriend. Imagine if you were in his shoes. I've hurt him before. I strayed during a rough spot and then lied to him about it for months, and now I'm tell him that I want to sleep with other people. I might not have portrayed Jared in the best light but this is a tough situation for him, something he's never had to deal with before. Please don't say he's not a good boyfriend. You don't even know him.

Like Adriana says, the opposite is also true. I love him with every bone in my body. I want to do everything I can to make him happy. If going off on my own for some sexual experiment would make him unhappy, then I won't do it.

I know someday he'll trust me again, but until then I'll just wait.

I look at it this way- if there's something that I need to do for myself and my husband flat out tells me no or says it's not a good idea, or that he just doesn't care.. it makes me wonder about our relationship. Is his saying no because I won't benefit from it or because he doesn't want me to? Is it a selfish response? Is he saying he doesn't care because he really doesn't care about the issues I struggle with? Or he's too caught up in his own emotions?

I want to be with someone that is supportive and understands the reasons why I need to do things, if they cannot, than they aren't properly facilitating their part in our relationship.

As far as me saying he wasn't a very good boyfriend - I said that because here you are struggling with this huge issue and he doesn't care. (This is the way I'm perceiving it.) You have to take this huge part of yourself and shove it deep inside "I really have a feeling that this, like all my other fantasies so far, will not actually ever happen". Do you really want to keep parts of yourself locked up because your boyfriend doesn't like them?

I've met many an obstacle in my relationship but I've been fortunate enough to have a partner that allows me to work through them and eventually jump over. Your partner is there to help guide you on your path of life, not try to deter you and get you to walk in a direction you aren't comfortable going.

As far as the opposite- if he says no, is it sacrifice for me to go with him? Yes, of course it is but he'd be saying no for selfish reasons. If I stressed to my husband that this was incredibly important for my emotional health and I've been struggling with my sexuality, he should want to help me work through it, not try to distract me and tell me that he doesn't care. Sexuality is a HUGE thing and a lot of people disregard it. If you're struggling with what to some may be minor thoughts, what happens with the time comes and you're left struggling with something even bigger. You need to make sure your partner is there to support you and not say "do whatever you want".

I'm sorry if what I wrote was offensive, I never meant it that way- if anything, I'm encouraging you to fulfill your desires- I do not like it when people tell me no, because this is my life and if I want something that my heart and my head are telling me to go after.. than I will. I just want the same thing for other people and I see now it can come off as very abrasive.

I know he's pretty much saying he doesn't care, but I know he does. He's putting his guard up by not saying that if I leave him, it will hurt him. I think the thought just scares him. I know him asking me not to go explore would be selfish of him, but I feel like me going off and doing it anyway would be even more selfish of me.

I'm starting to feel a little frustrated with myself for even posting this question. Even if I did go off to look for something, I don't know any girls to experience this with. Not to say I couldn't find one, but if I was without Jared again I'd only be able to think of him.

I know he's pretty much saying he doesn't care, but I know he does. He's putting his guard up by not saying that if I leave him, it will hurt him. I think the thought just scares him. I know him asking me not to go explore would be
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I know he's pretty much saying he doesn't care, but I know he does. He's putting his guard up by not saying that if I leave him, it will hurt him. I think the thought just scares him. I know him asking me not to go explore would be selfish of him, but I feel like me going off and doing it anyway would be even more selfish of me.

I'm starting to feel a little frustrated with myself for even posting this question. Even if I did go off to look for something, I don't know any girls to experience this with. Not to say I couldn't find one, but if I was without Jared again I'd only be able to think of him.

I am probably biased because I had a bad experience with this, but I'm going to have to disagree with some of the posts here. I don't find it selfish at all for your partner to ask you to remain faithful while you're in a *committed relationship* with him. Why would he want to even risk losing you when you're obviously crazy about each other? You said yourself you didn't really want to involve him in your first experience, and you might get emotionally involved if you strayed. Honey, with women usually is emotional, especially when there's no man involved. If there is no woman you're currently interested in, don't let the issue eat away at you. Give it some time, at least until a prospective lady friend comes along. Not being specifically attracted to another person is a good relationship, generally speaking (there are exceptions). Not actually being with a woman doesn't mean to have to suppress your desire for women. Go ahead & fantasize all you want. Try and get your partner to get involved with these fantasies too. Talk, talk, talk this out with him if you don't want to lose him.

I know he's pretty much saying he doesn't care, but I know he does. He's putting his guard up by not saying that if I leave him, it will hurt him. I think the thought just scares him. I know him asking me not to go explore would be
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I know he's pretty much saying he doesn't care, but I know he does. He's putting his guard up by not saying that if I leave him, it will hurt him. I think the thought just scares him. I know him asking me not to go explore would be selfish of him, but I feel like me going off and doing it anyway would be even more selfish of me.

I'm starting to feel a little frustrated with myself for even posting this question. Even if I did go off to look for something, I don't know any girls to experience this with. Not to say I couldn't find one, but if I was without Jared again I'd only be able to think of him.

Unfortunately, it's not a question that anyone can really help you with. You are the only person who understands how YOU feel in YOUR relationship and what YOU want. Your boyfriend's "Do whatever you want" might not be his not caring. It sounds like (I'm just guessing, since I am missing his body language and other nonverbal clues) he doesn't want you to feel that he is stopping you from something you want to do. Maybe he has major reservations about your desire to experiment with other girls and is afraid of saying anything in case he comes across as too controlling. Most guys have trouble communicating. If you really want to know his opinion on experimentation (on your part), tell him explicitly you don't expect him to just sit there and take it if he has a problem with it. You want his honest opinion to make sure that no feelings are hurt.

However, the trust issues you mentioned may be a good reason to not rock the boat too much at this point. Or, alternatively, it may help to just talk it out. When I talked to my boyfriend about it openly and honestly, it helped me to realize that I really didn't want a relationship with anyone but him. Talking it over in hypothetical or passive terms could help. Like "what if..."

I'll restate: YOU know the best, healthiest decision to make in this situation because you know first-hand your situation. Follow your gut instinct. Not all partners are ok with their lovers exploring other people, regardless of sex, on their watch. It's just as important to respect their desires as it is for them to respect yours. You and your lover actually seem very considerate of each other. I am confident that you two will arrive at a decision that is acceptable to you both.

I am probably biased because I had a bad experience with this, but I'm going to have to disagree with some of the posts here. I don't find it selfish at all for your partner to ask you to remain faithful while you're in a *committed
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I am probably biased because I had a bad experience with this, but I'm going to have to disagree with some of the posts here. I don't find it selfish at all for your partner to ask you to remain faithful while you're in a *committed relationship* with him. Why would he want to even risk losing you when you're obviously crazy about each other? You said yourself you didn't really want to involve him in your first experience, and you might get emotionally involved if you strayed. Honey, with women usually is emotional, especially when there's no man involved. If there is no woman you're currently interested in, don't let the issue eat away at you. Give it some time, at least until a prospective lady friend comes along. Not being specifically attracted to another person is a good relationship, generally speaking (there are exceptions). Not actually being with a woman doesn't mean to have to suppress your desire for women. Go ahead & fantasize all you want. Try and get your partner to get involved with these fantasies too. Talk, talk, talk this out with him if you don't want to lose him.

I've been so busy with school, but I'm finally getting a chance to respond to everyone.

@Machina- Thank you. It's ok that you're biased about it. I feel now that strong advice from both ends of the spectrum was what I needed.

@Miss Cinn- You took the words out of my mouth when you say talking about it made you realized what you wanted. That's really how I feel about this discussion. All if took was talking it out and getting to really understand what either decision could mean - "Go and explore even if it means losing him" versus "Stand by your man if you love him" - to realize that I just need to sit tight, wait for him to trust me again, and see what he thinks later on. On the other hand, I could just be thinking like a silly romantic and be single in a year (I hope that's not the case, but just playing devil's advocate) and then be free to do whatever I want.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

Reply

03/30/2009

stricksw

Quote:

Originally posted by
LikeSunshineDust

I've been so busy with school, but I'm finally getting a chance to respond to everyone.

@Machina- Thank you. It's ok that you're biased about it. I feel now that strong advice from both ends of the spectrum was what I needed.
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I've been so busy with school, but I'm finally getting a chance to respond to everyone.

@Machina- Thank you. It's ok that you're biased about it. I feel now that strong advice from both ends of the spectrum was what I needed.

@Miss Cinn- You took the words out of my mouth when you say talking about it made you realized what you wanted. That's really how I feel about this discussion. All if took was talking it out and getting to really understand what either decision could mean - "Go and explore even if it means losing him" versus "Stand by your man if you love him" - to realize that I just need to sit tight, wait for him to trust me again, and see what he thinks later on. On the other hand, I could just be thinking like a silly romantic and be single in a year (I hope that's not the case, but just playing devil's advocate) and then be free to do whatever I want.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

I appreciate your courage to ask and all the good answers & feelings that users responded to you. I have had curiosities very much myself & have made choices based on feelings in the moment, that I wound up regretting. Like miss Cinnamon said, it's an aspect of introspection you have to evaluate & decide where you want to go. In my experience, or lack thereof lol, there are not many situations that weather the sharing of ones partner. The ones I see that succeed in it have very devoted & dedicated partners that truly seem to understand their partners desires & wishes...and most importantly are headed in the same direction in a mental & sexual sense...so there is no real tension of esires so to speak. What does one do when they enter a situation in their life/relationship where their desires don't coincide with their partners? evaluation & re-evaluation, because somewhere....something s gotta give and someone has to sacrifice. Is it an aspect of physical attraction that pulls you? emotional? I think my own desires stem more from the desire & exploration of senses. While my wife agrees to want to fulfill me, I perceive slightly that her desire to please me may outweigh her telling me the truth about how it might make her feel. THAT is where I decide that my curiosities are best left to fantasy. Will there be a time where that changes in the future? I don't know...my own experience is that I am not willing to make her pay for what my desire is. That being said, it is in no way any kind of insinuation on my part of what is going on in your relationship. Only you truly know that. I just wanted to share my feelings & experience so that maybe it might help you make a better decision.

Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't
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Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I really see myself with him for a very long time, if not forever.

I've still never been with a woman, and it's starting to eat away at me a little. Like, I've started to avoid hanging out with one of my best friends because she's gay and I get jealous of her and her experiences. My boyfriend and I have talked about a threesome, though I honestly don't think it'll happen, but I wouldn't want my first experience with a girl to involve him anyway (no offense to him). At the same time, if he let me go off and experiment on my own (I don't think he'd do that), I can't say that I wouldn't get emotionally involved with some woman. Though maybe that's what I'm really craving, a real relationship with a woman.

God, I'm so torn. I'm so madly in love with my man, and I would never want to be without him. But there's this whole other part of me that I've never gotten to experience. In a recent discussion I started, someone advised me not to suppress my fantasies because I'll end up wandering off to find them. I'm afraid of this here. I just feel really lost and need some advice.

You need to have a few long and deep discussions with your significant other. Read some good books about open relationships..you may not decide to open your relationship but they will give you some real life pit falls you can avoid even if you do decide to remain monogamous. It has been my unfortunate experience that denying a part of yourself leads to disaster of epic proportions. If you can manage to talk with your love then you will both be able to find a way out of this dilema together which will be better for both of you in the long run.

Well, that's quite an assumption. My boyfriend might have his flaws (fear of losing me is NOT one of them, though), but he is a very good boyfriend. Imagine if you were in his shoes. I've hurt him before. I strayed during a rough spot and
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Well, that's quite an assumption. My boyfriend might have his flaws (fear of losing me is NOT one of them, though), but he is a very good boyfriend. Imagine if you were in his shoes. I've hurt him before. I strayed during a rough spot and then lied to him about it for months, and now I'm tell him that I want to sleep with other people. I might not have portrayed Jared in the best light but this is a tough situation for him, something he's never had to deal with before. Please don't say he's not a good boyfriend. You don't even know him.

Like Adriana says, the opposite is also true. I love him with every bone in my body. I want to do everything I can to make him happy. If going off on my own for some sexual experiment would make him unhappy, then I won't do it.

I know someday he'll trust me again, but until then I'll just wait.

My husband did the same thing, he felt as though he couldn't explain to me the reasons he wanted to have sex with others so he cheated and lied to me for YEARS. Recently he admitted that after the first time my parents made it clear to him that he would never be accepted into the family and they would never stop trying to get rid of him that he gave up on not cheating. When he realized that I wasn't leaving no matter what he did, he had a sort of breakdown and things went scary for a time. He finally felt secure enough to confess to me everything and we were able to work them out.
So from the other side of the equation, you've already cheated. Presumably you have worked that issue at least to a point you are both comfortable with. To achieve true intimacy though you MUST be honest about this other aspect of yourself. Once you cheat the only thing left is complete honesty. I was thrown into a tail spin when my husband told me he wanted to sleep with other women and he wanted the freedom to be alone to do it...but I insisted that I was involved even if I wasn't there physically. This opened the doors to fascinating discussions and even closer relationship. It also allowed me to be able to be with my lover alone without hurt feelings and recriminations. I won't say it doesn't hurt and get really scary, I will say that if you want the freedom to be yourself you need to risk it.
I wish you the best.

I think it's very important to talk to him about how you are feeling. Do you feel you would absolutely have to leave him to explore? In my relationship, we have a lot of communication about such things. I am free to love and explore my sexuality with whomever, in whatever terms I want. It doesn't mean that he and I are any less special to each other, even if I have a second relationship - simply because he is my primary partner. It certainly isn't an easy situation, most people would cringe just at the words I'm typing, but for us, it works very well.

I love him to death and have no desire to ever be without him. He feels the same way for me. And for both of us, we do not feel that being with another person takes away from our relationship, but actually brings us closer together. We feel this way because of the trust, the love, the communication that has to take place in order for us to have this lifestyle. We also enjoy talking about our experiences to each other and find them very arousing to share together.

No matter what you two decide to do or not to do, it is important that you can at least talk about how you're feeling so that you can work it out.

Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't
...

Ok, so I figured out I was bi about 7 or 8 years ago, and since then I've still only dated guys. It's just been a matter of there have only been guys available to date. I'm now in a very serious relationship with a guy, and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I really see myself with him for a very long time, if not forever.

I've still never been with a woman, and it's starting to eat away at me a little. Like, I've started to avoid hanging out with one of my best friends because she's gay and I get jealous of her and her experiences. My boyfriend and I have talked about a threesome, though I honestly don't think it'll happen, but I wouldn't want my first experience with a girl to involve him anyway (no offense to him). At the same time, if he let me go off and experiment on my own (I don't think he'd do that), I can't say that I wouldn't get emotionally involved with some woman. Though maybe that's what I'm really craving, a real relationship with a woman.

God, I'm so torn. I'm so madly in love with my man, and I would never want to be without him. But there's this whole other part of me that I've never gotten to experience. In a recent discussion I started, someone advised me not to suppress my fantasies because I'll end up wandering off to find them. I'm afraid of this here. I just feel really lost and need some advice.

Honey, you definitely need to talk to your man and let him know that you are feeling this way. If he really loves you as you do him he'll let you experience with a woman and not hold it against you. You definitely NEED to do this for yourself though.