THIS TELLS IT ALL.. I'M
GETTING A GLASS BUBBLE TO LIVE IN !!! And I swear it is all the "truth"
because my great-aunt who is an investigator for the F.B.I. checked it out, and
it was sent to me by my brother-in-law who is a lawyer and he would NEVER lie.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them
put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria
on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has
been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones
nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack
sends me on a guilt
trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed
over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I
now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me,
and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline
without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper
since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Plastic Wrap
in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda
in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone
because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica
, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't
ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas
companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse
and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
mouse.