Monday, September 27, 2004

WWUJD?

Earlier today an Anonymous poster posed this very good query in the comments section: "Is it just me, Ace, or is Livestrong a total rip of WWJD? What is it about a bracelet with a message that people find so appealing?"

My thoughts on the Livestrong bracelet are another matter entirely, but the poster submits an excellent question for consideration. Unfortunately, this is an inquiry for which I have no suitable answer. As usual though, when I'm ill-equipped to respond to such a doozy, I am always willing to point a seeker of infinite knowledge in the right direction. So allow me to answer your question by asking another: Why is it that people find seek guidance and wisdom in the mythical figure of Jesus Christ when the real deity they should be praying to is the Greek God of Vidal Sassoon Deep Hold Styling Gel?

That's right, Livestrong is crap, WWJD is crap...the next great bracelet slogan craze is What Would Uncle Jesse Do? I'm not sure who created this WWUJD site I'm redirecting you to, but I'm starting a slow clap right now in their honor and I welcome you all to join. Clap. Clap. Clap, clap. Clap, clap, clap, clap, etc. (I wasn't kidding about that slow clap, fuckers). This tribute to UJ is simply masterful work, I mean, a true brilliance of creation in every sense of the word. I'm not kidding, it's Class A comedic material.

If I were you I'd take the next 20 to 85 minutes and peruse this thing for all it has to offer. If you're strapped for time, my quick-pick recommendations are as follows: "Uncle Jesse Vs." is clearly my favorite portion and includes UJ's epic battle against Booker T. Washington; runner-up goes to "Facts," which includes "Uncle Jesse never has to pay roaming charges" and "Uncle Jesse always got more Halloween candy than his brother"; for a not-so-distant third place, try "Uncle Jesse's How To" for in-depth tutorials on how to make such items as fruit salad or a laser. But for the 93 percent of you that are completely bored as shit at work right now, the whole site should be explored like Bruce Dickinson's studio space. Really, explore the space (yeah, I'm tired of the cowbell jokes too, fuckers, but that had to be done).

As for the Livestrong bracelet, Anon. poster...Instead of wearing one, you might as well have a big, yellow penis on your wrist that shouts "Lick my saffron-colored balls" in crowded subway cars. I'm not saying it's the same thing per se, but it's pretty damn close.

And, and as an added bonus to tonight's post, here's some funny reading about a recent tiff between Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly.

the article has nothing to do with livestrong, it's the accompanying photo. my apologies for not making that clear. on to you, my anonymous brethren: if innocuous, objective observations such as “Instead of wearing [a livestrong bracelet], you might as well have a big, yellow penis on your wrist that shouts ‘Lick my saffron-colored balls’” are offensive to your sensibility, then I think it’s safe to say you should read this blog no further. seriously, though, if choosing good taste over mindless conformity is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.. sorry, i've got nothing.