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Monday, March 4, 2013

Gone Too Long

Seven years ago today, I lost the first man I ever loved.

My dad passed away from a massive heart attack when he was only two days shy of turning 45. I was 18 years old and just two and a half months away from graduating from high school. My little brother, Derek, was just an eighth grader, 14 years old.

From this point on, I apologize for the "stream-of-consciousness" writing. It's difficult to keep all of my thoughts straight as I write this...

From the day I was born, I was always "daddy's little girl". I was his mini-me in looks and personality. We got along so well, and I enjoyed spending time with him. We went running together, and I yelled from the sidelines at his softball games. He dragged me to Best Buy with him time after time when he needed new tunes, and I remember the time when I FINALLY wanted to go with him because I wanted a CD of my very own to play in my Sony Walkman. He was ecstatic because I wasn't complaining about going to "the most boring store on earth", so he bought me TWO CDs to begin my collection. I think he was SLIGHTLY embarrassed with my selections, though, as I chose the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys, naturally. ;) Although, he shouldn't have been TOO embarrassed about that because he used to do my hair and make-up for dance recitals if my mom was at work... totally.

Shortly after returning to school after taking a week off after his sudden death, I received a card FULL of notes from my friends and teachers offering their condolences. One thing in particular that one of my friends wrote sticks out to me, and I rely on this quote regularly: "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." That is always a nice reminder that although my dad is gone and that was definitely an extremely tough point in my life, I must go on. I must keep on living. I'd like to think that I am making him proud as a grow into a woman with a career of my own.

One thing that bugs me more than anything is that he will never meet Dan. Oh, how I wish he could have met Dan. It pains me to know that they will never get to joke around together. They will never sip beers and grill steaks together. They will never bowl or golf together. They will never get to both love me at the same time.

My dad won't be at my wedding in just over a year. He won't be there to walk me down the aisle. He won't be sitting there in the front row with my mom. He won't be able to dance with me in front of everyone. Isn't that what every bride dreams of? It feels difficult knowing I won't get any of those...

I miss my dad every single day. Time makes things easier, but I know that I will never let a day pass by without thinking of him. Sometimes, to this day, seven years later, I still hear something cool and think: "My dad would love that!" and make a plan to tell him, only to remember that I can't. And sometimes he appears in my dreams.

I want to share a few (okay, many) pictures with all of my readers. I chose these because they are my favorites. To all of you who knew him: enjoy. These truly are a blast from the past.

just after I was born :)

twins!

I remember being carried around like this often...

one of my favorites! :)

just after my brother was born :)

one of my favorites :)

playing catch with the football :)

Royal Gorge Bridge :)

Pikes Peak :)

Pikes Peak :)

I LOVE this picture of us :)

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever.

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever.

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever.

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever.

a friend made this collage for me shortly after his death

And in his memory, I'll share his favorite song, the one I can't listen to without succumbing to my emotions, the one we played at his funeral... Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. You can listen to it by CLICKING HERE.