Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: March Edition

Cosmo is two for two the past couple months for putting another barely-legal star on the cover. Please tell me it’s not awkward to see Selena Gomez next to the words “Your Orgasm Guaranteed!” I like to pretend Selena doesn’t know what an orgasm is, and I do think Cosmo is naïve if they are expecting that little girls won’t bypass the raunchy cover stories just to get their hands on some more Selena memorabilia. But besides 12 year olds learning how to have their best orgasm, readers can also hope to discover “Why Guys Love It When You Bite Your Lip,” the “3 Things He Doesn’t Have to Know” and the moment I literally laughed out loud, “The Butt Facial: Yeah, We Know, But It’ll Make Yours Silky Smooth” – so if you’re keeping score, put another tally in the “unnecessary grooming” category.

After flipping past what seemed like 50 pages of ads, I stumbled across an article called, “Letting Him Take The Lead.” I’m not a feminist, I’m not even close to being a feminist, but this just irks me. The article insists that guys are wired to want to protect their loved ones. Trust me, I’m on board for a little masculine protection, but when I’m consciously letting him “take the lead” to “feel more like a man,” I think that’s crossing a line. Cosmo’s tip: Let him fight for your vodka soda. My tip: Get the vodka soda yourself; make him want to protect you, not run your errands. Is ordering a drink really all that terrifying?

In a giant section called, “101 Things About Men,” I came to realize that if my guy is a “boobs” guy he is supposed to be more adventurous in bed and “doesn’t judge when it comes to sex.” On the flipside if your man is an “ass man” he’s more likely to be an alpha male because your backside is one of the more primal body parts, because that’s how the rest of the animal kingdom mates? I’m not making this stuff up. And now I’m stuck singing Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” in my head. Thanks Cosmo. You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals…

And for the goods this month? “50 Hot Sex Tips” that sound dangerously close to the hot sex tips they had last month, and the month before, and the month before that!

Cosmo says: “Coat your tongue with honey, and take a sip of hot tea or water. Then go down on him until the honey dissolves. This creates a warm, velvety sensation that he’ll never forget.”Molly says: Yeah, I always wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave my guy’s dick third degree burns.

Cosmo says: “Go down on him when he’s asleep. He’ll wake up midblow hard than ever and ready to go. This leads to some ridiculously hot nooky.”Molly says: While I’d love to perform this act on a guy, my biggest thing is like, what if he startles awake and chokes me with his junk, or accidentally slaps me. It’s a reoccurring nightmare, honestly.

Molly is slowly dying inside because she stupidly decided to take on a triple major in English, Journalism and Broadcasting at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Yes, we have electricity; no I don’t live on a farm. Follow my Midwestern ramblings @mahannah410 on twitter.