It’s All My Fault

I’m adopted. I’ve always wondered why. My dad told me one day that my mom didn’t want to adopt me, but that he had talked her into it.

I trusted my dad completely. I thought he was the best dad in the world. He taught me the Bible and how to memorize Scripture. He taught me how to pray. He protected me from my mom’s anger. He was my rock and my hero. I love him and wanted to be like him.

No one really ever talks about sexuality in ATI (the Advanced Training Institute). Definitely not in our family. I was basically left to figure out everything on my own. When I was eight, one of my siblings and I “experimented” together. I knew it might be wrong, but I didn’t know why. My dad found out. I got fifty swats with the wooden spoon and was forbidden to ever spend time alone with my siblings again.

I messed everything up again when I was eleven. I still had no idea what sex was. I was hitting puberty and having all these “feelings” with no one to talk to. So I experimented again. Of course now I know how wrong it was. I’ve been told that most children experiment in one way or another, especially if they’re not told anything about what is happening with their bodies. It’s how they learn. Yet I was bent over the bed and given 100 swats.

I was placed in a room all alone. I ate alone. I played alone. I only left that room to go to my bedroom to sleep. I had EXTREMELY limited contact with my siblings. I was never allowed to hold my youngest sister when she was an infant. I thought that she would think that I didn’t love her, so I remember sneaking in to see her and crying in guilt as I said over and over that I was sorry.

It was during this time that my dad began molesting me. Just a few years ago I asked him why he did it. He told me that it was because I molested his children. I didn’t even know what sex was! How could I be a child molester?

No one even suspected anything was going on. I was taken to church on Sunday, of course! We couldn’t mar that image of a good Christian home. Even the worst of sinners should be allowed to worship God. But for a whole year I was not allowed to go outside to play, and I was cut off from all my friends and my family.

During this time, we lived at an IBLP (Institute in Basic Life Principles) Training Center, where my dad was on staff. He was supposed to be teaching others about God, yet he came into my room, night after night, doing the most evil of deeds. My mom even walked in on us at 6:30 AM one morning, yet she never questioned what he was doing.

He forced me to pray with him each night about his sins. He would look deep into my eyes and say, “I was wrong for what I just did. Let’s pray together.” He would ask for my forgiveness, so I would “grant” it. I thought if I granted him forgiveness he would stop! But he only used my forgiveness each night as an excuse to continue his evil. I don’t think he ever intended to stop. He only wanted my forgiveness so he would be “cleansed” until the next offense.

I wanted so badly to kill myself. I was only 11 years old, and I was considering suicide. I was trapped. My dad knew I couldn’t tell anyone because no one would believe me. It was my word against his. He had already been traveling the country as part of his ministry, all the while sadly telling people that I had molested my siblings. He would claim that they had tried so hard to work with me, but that I was a troubled girl living in constant rebellion to her parents. The thing was, at that time I was willing to cover his sins against me; I wouldn’t have breathed a word of it to anyone! I wanted to protect my dad and his ministry. But I wanted help for me, too.

When I was sixteen, I finally used the computer at work to look up “sex,” as the only thing I knew about it was what my dad had “taught” me. When my parents found out, they told me that there was no hope for me. My mom had been telling me that for years. That, and that I was probably going to go to hell. She told me that she hated me and wished she had never laid eyes on me. My dad had always maintained there was hope for me. But when he found out I had researched sex online, he shredded the last bit of self-confidence I had. He said that he agreed with mom: There was no hope for me.

That was the first time I actually tried to commit suicide. Did I really want to die at that time? Sorta. I didn’t care. I hoped if my parents found me, they would actually get me some help. If I died, the pain would leave me. So it really didn’t matter either way. I drank an entire bottle of ipecac syrup. I vomited all night long and the entire next day.

I finally called my youth pastor’s wife and told her what I had done. She told me that only selfish people would try to take their own life. When she told her husband, he called my dad and told him that he thought I needed to get some help. My dad came home and made me call the youth pastor back. He made me tell him that I was only trying to get attention and that nothing was wrong. Then he got on the phone and announced that I was leaving for college in two weeks. They were sending me out of the state, and I would never be back.

He was furious when, years later, I finally told my story to the authorities. I didn’t want the cops to get involved at that time. I didn’t even want my family to get involved. You see, I was still buying into the idea that it was all my own fault. That I had somehow “asked” to be abused. It took me years following the initial contact with authorities to even begin to recognize the wrong done to me and that I wasn’t responsible. Yet my father accused me of trying to send him to jail and trying to destroy him. He played the reputation card and said he’d been forgiven and that now it was my issue of unforgiveness. He said that I was trying to force the rest of my siblings to grow up without their father.

The truth is, I was in counseling at that time and the legal system had to step in to mediate on behalf of underage children still in his care.

There are still a lot of things that my dad has never admitted. He never admitted that he ordered the pornography he blamed my youngest sister for ordering. He’s never admitted to his extra-marital affair. He did resign his Biblical counseling position, but I’ve heard that he never admits openly to the real reason he left his ministry–he was caught and would have been forced to resign. No, he simply told people that he “burned out.”

Maybe someday soon I’ll be able to work through all of this as I continue to pursue legal action. But for now, I’m still hurting so much that the thought of finding peace and being able to grant forgiveness to someone who won’t admit to doing any wrong just seems like a fantasy.

Rebekah currently resides in Colorado Springs, Colorado with her husband and two children. She was adopted from Korea and raised in ATI from age 4 through age 12. She was sent to college at age 16 and completed 18 months at Northland Baptist Bible College. She returned home for a year and then moved out at 19. She served in the U.S. Military until 2008 when she met her husband. She is currently a stay at home mom to her two children, ages 4 and 2.

If this sexual abuse series brings up any emotions that you would like to process with a professional counselor, please e-mail us at: support@recoveringgrace.org. We would be happy to recommend some professional counselors who are associated with the Recovering Grace ministry and who are familiar with the fundamentalist background of ATI and IBLP.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

Rebekah, THere are no words... and I am so very sorry for what you went through. My stomach is in knots and I feel so sick, knowing that our stories are only the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for your bravery in sharing.

"Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it is better for him that a heavy millstone be hung around his neck, and that he be drowned in the depth of the sea." Matthew 16:6. Rebekah, your story makes me so sad for you and very angry at your parents and the abuse that you had to endure. According to the above verse, God doesn't like your abuse either.

Praying that in time you will find healing and forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean letting the offender off of the hook nor does it mean forgetting. It has to do with letting go and letting God take care of the rest. It is more for your benefit than his. As long as your father is unrepentant, I certainly wouldn't feel any obligation to go near him, talk with him and especially would keep your precious children away from him.

That is beyond sanity - one is left gasping for breath. I agree with Tammy - I don't know how else to understand what Jesus said. That is one of the meanest sections in God's word.

Since the family was "on staff", was this ever brought to anyone's attention there? If there ever were a wish to deal with this there, please let me know privately. [click on my name] I am not "on staff" but I have access and assure you I would do whatever I had to.

50 swats?! 100 swats?! Even if you follow the OT, God forbade them to lay more than 40 even on an adult. Just another symptom of insanity.

It is my opinion, BTW, that genuine child abuse (as the law defines it) cannot be handled outside the law - read family, church. There appears to be nothing other than hard jail time to give hope that an offender can be recovered. I am at this point not aware of any istance where "remaining silent" produced a long term positive outcome.

Hi Alfred, thank you for your heartfelt empathy and concern for this story. My heart, too, is broken over it. You asked, "Since the family was “on staff”, was this ever brought to anyone’s attention there?" From reading Rebekah's story, I gather that even if she had tried, her abuser (her father) had already slandered her reputation so that no one would or could listen to her and believe her story. While I don't have a PhD on Sexual Abuse, I've done some research on it, and this is very typical behavior for an abuser to be proactive in discrediting an abused person's story--even before they're able to tell it. There are often threats made directly to the person being abused to keep them from telling, even by directly threatening, "No one will believe you if you try to tell." This keeps the abused person in silence, and the abuser free to keep abusing.

I've personally heard several other stories of people who have *tried* to tell Bill Gothard about their abusive home situations, and in the end, he didn't listen. I believe that one of those reasons is because he doesn't understand the psychology of an abuser. In a couple of those situations, my guess is that he might have called the abuser directly (the father) and ask, "Did you abuse so-and-so?" To which they probably responded, "Of course not! I would never do such a thing! But please know that my daughter is very rebellious and will say anything to get attention. We're very concerned about her, and would appreciate it if you would help her get back under our authority."

So in the cases I know of, Bill, for whatever reason, would CHOOSE to side with the father and discredit the word of the daughter, sending her back into the abusive situation. If Bill knew ANYTHING about sexual abuse, he should know that one CAN NEVER trust the word of an abuser. Very rarely will they ever admit to wrong-doing, because they live a life of secrecy and lies. So how does one know if the daughter is being truthful? A very interesting statistic to keep in mind about sexual abuse, is that in all the documented cases of sexual abuse, only 1%-4% of the cases were fabricated. Put another way, if someone were to say, "I'm being sexually abused," there's a 96%-99% chance that they're being truthful. Those are HIGH odds!

Also important to note: If Bill WERE to be approached by someone who claimed sexual abuse, in most states, he is LEGALLY BOUND to report this information to Child Protective Services. In none of the cases I've heard of did he ever do this. My guess is that he wanted to try to investigate and solve the issue on his own. But he is in no way equipped or trained to deal with sexual abuse cases. He should not be trying to solve them on his own without outside help from the state--especially since he seems unaware of the psychology of an abuser and has been manipulated by abusers in the past.

All this to say--even if this girl had tried to get help, she had already been discredited. And Bill would probably have not known better than to believe the word of his staff member--a man who probably looked, talked, and smelled godly--over the word of a "rebellious girl with issues," as the father tried to paint her.

My siblings and I regularly received above fifty swats, (with some pretty awful spanking devices, the plastic rods used for opening and closing blinds were the WORST!) for offenses that I truly cannot remember. My educated guess would be that we had interrupted the daily classes with silliness, or perhaps had 'talked back' (something I know I never intentionally did,) or something similar that should not have even required a spanking. We would sit in the hall and count the swats that the other sibling was receiving, our stomachs in knots as we waited our turn. I really think the parent doing the spanking was angry with themselves for being unable to measure up to some standard of perfection, and subconsciously taking it out on us, determined to make us perfect. That parent has since denied ever giving those kinds of spankings.. :/ Oddly enough, the physical abuse that happened to me, is what I am LEAST angry about. I am 90% certain that most of the other ATI families I grew up with, were similarly abusive in spankings, based on what I saw and heard.

Rebekah, your strength in sharing your story overwhelms me. I am grateful to know you and immensely proud of the person you are and how you are handling this now. Your bravery in pursuing legal action is inspiring as it breaks my heart for this should have been taken care of for you decades ago.

Though my tears for your pain the anger I feel toward your "father" and "mother" is incredible. I cannot even being to comprehend how any parent can or would behave in such a way, yet I know it's true. I live it myself.

Rebekah, as a father of an adopted daughter, your story moves me to such anger and sorrow.Your father hurt you in one of the worst ways imaginable, and if someone did something like that to one of my children... I would go after then with everything in my power. And then on top of that, your parents pile wound upon wound by putting all the guilt on your back and then taking away all your hope? I mean, it makes me angry just hearing that your father talked about you being adopted the way he did, and that your mother did not want you... That alone is awful, but then to not offer you any help during puberty, to make you feel guilty for things you didn't understand... And still those are only the beginning. Then he harms you. Over and over.Grrrrrrr. I love Jesus for showing how he felt about people that harm children. It is love to the victim to see justice.I weep with you, Rebekah. You seem like you've come quite a ways already, and I can't help but admire and respect you - but I also can't help but weep with you when I read this.

im so sorry for your loss. you lost your childhood and you lost your family and you lost your clean mind and you sense of protection, love, trust, respect, confidence, and self esteem. i urge you to take up your cause and see it thru-dont wait. you will heal faster if you take care of this now and not wait!! im prayin for you and know that i will make sure i remember to pray for you and those like you that had this happen in ati. God bless you!!!!

Rebekah, I wept as I read your story, and found myself unable to sleep last night. I am sorry no one was there to help you, that we had no idea. Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for healing and peace for you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share this, but I'm so glad you did! I pray that God continues to heal, and that you are able to get some justice for all the horrible things that were done to you. Nothing causes my blood to boil faster than hearing that someone has hurt a child...

Rebekah, there's so much brokenness in this story, and I respect your willingness to share it. I imagine that wasn't easy, and we all appreciate you for your courage.

The IBLP attitude on adoption stuns me; I wrote this article on the topic for the site a few months ago, and your story really personalizes it. You're not alone in your experience. I hope you will find encouragement that everything that your adoptive parents WEREN'T, your adoptive Heavenly Father IS. http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2011/10/adoption-the-ultimate-act-of-grace/

I'm sorry to say that the shame surrounding sexuality (as well as child discipline) in your home sounds a great deal like they were in mine. I feel for you, and all you went through.

The part of your story that chills me the most, though, is that as a student and IBLP staffer, I may have been one of the faceless mass of other people living under the same Training Center roof as you, where you were being abused, perhaps mere feet away, possibly even passing you in the hallways while all the while knowing nothing, and, I regret to say, probably too deeply indoctrinated to do anything if I had known what was going on.

I guess all I can say is that I'm glad to finally know the REAL FATHER who DOES redeem abused little girls, making them into beautiful wives and mothers, and cowardly little boys in neckties, turning us into real men who fight for and protect others.

Beautifully said, Krash. I realized as I read that story that I WAS under the same roof at the time, and that I neither knew nor suspected anything. And I wouldn't have know what to do if I had. Rebekah's story has haunted me since I first read it for those reasons.Rebekah, you are a woman of courage and grace.

The one thing that stands out to me is the fact that the author of this article was adopted from Korea. I clearly remember the booklet that Bill Gothard wrote against adoption (and we all were sent it) because of all the trouble that a family experiences with adopted children. He used an example of a Korean adoptee to scare families into not following God's work in caring for orphans and the homeless. Our family went ahead while we were in ATIA and did an unauthorized international adoption. Then we did one more, and then 2 more. In looking back and piecing ATI's stand against adoption, it looks pretty convincing that this young woman's story may be part of the twisted foundation for the anti-adoption stand that IBLP has upheld.

Good point, Cyndi. To me, that's one of the most confusing things about ATI: their stance on adoption. The always used "poor little orphans" to ask for money, and at one time they preached about God's love and special care for the fatherless, but a family actually adopting a child is so wrong in their eyes.... I don't understand.

This is the same story as this, right? http://incongruouscircumspection.blogspot.com/2012/06/hammer-drops-dr-kenneth-copley-exposed.html Wasn't Copley's oldest son the one that was autistic, the stories of the demon friend before he could speak? It was an amazing story . . . any corroboration on that? Demons are real . . . but somehow some of the most bizarre testimonies emanate from lives that later are shown to have major problems (think Mike Warnke).

May the Lord have mercy on us all . . . and may each one in this awful situation be recovered and restored.

Thank you for the courage in sharing your story. I remember meeting your family at ITC, and respecting them. I remember all the Bible verses you memorized and how you won an Awana contest. I guess that fact was paraded for more admiration and respect. We too, had been asked to join staff at ITC, and after spending a month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, decided for a variety of reasons, that going on staff was not for us. I guess I am flabbergasted at how easily I/we as people can be fooled into respecting people who are doing some very evil, hurtful things. Again, I know I had no idea.

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