Four Valuable Life Lessons Gleaned from a Violent July Fourth Weekend in Dallas

Our regular Unfair Park captain, Eric, is on vacation, so I had the pleasure of perusing the weekend's police reports, to make sure Dirk wasn't drunkenly wandering Victory Park all sad and sidekick-less. It was a nice reminder that dear Lord, humans are weird.

Here's what I learned:

High Heels Are Not Just for Keeping Average- and Below-Average-Height Guys Away from You at the Club: They are also, it turns out, useful for doing some late-night stabbing.

I learned this from a woman who was leaving the downtown nightclub Thrive (pronounced Thriiive) early Sunday morning when she witnessed a man and a woman arguing, going "berserk." It's unclear whether she intervened, but the woman in the fight peeled off from the original argument and attacked the onlooker with her high heels, stabbing her under her right eye and possibly breaking her eye socket. The victim was treated at Parkland Hospital, which is not a good name for a nightclub.

Friends Don't Let Friends Bring Brass Knuckles to the Bar: I learned this from two acquaintances who were, according to one of them, "drinking together" at Smiths Drive Inn, a bar in southeast Dallas. According to a police report, when that man was returning from the bathroom, his drinking partner punched him in the back of the head with brass knuckles, causing a 4-inch cut. It's unclear from the report whether there was an argument or who picked up the tab.

Never Argue in Spanish if You No Hablo the Spanish: I learned this from a 17-year-old boy who went to the playground of an East Dallas apartment complex to shoot off some fireworks. There were some kids around, and a man who became upset. He started yelling at the boy in Spanish, and the boy yelled back. The boy told police "he was ready to fight" the man, but apparently the man had different ideas: He pulled a gun and pointed it at his head, yelling in Spanish the whole time. The boy wasn't sure what he was yelling: He doesn't speak Spanish.

Sibling Rivalries Get Slightly More Intense When There Are Bats and Shotguns Lying Around: I learned this from two brothers in southern Dallas who found themselves in a bit of a spat. According to police, one of the brothers, unhappy with the direction of the argument, picked up a bat and struck the other one in the face. He then went in the house and retrieved a shotgun.

The alleged victim, who's 20, ran and hid near some hedges, but his brother followed, racking the shotgun. He pointed it at him, counted to three and pulled the trigger -- just after angling the shotgun away, sending the cartridge's contents whizzing harmlessly by his brother.

Police arrived a short time later and asked the man why he attacked and fired a gun at his brother. The man explained it to police simply, using the same words religious scholars believe Cain said to Eve upon murdering his brother, Abel: "He was breaking my shit."