08/13/2011

I am 16 months post-op from RNY bariatric surgery, and down 250lbs from my highest weight. I feel awesome, I walk with my head up and shoulders back, I catch guys checking me out, and women smile at me and carry on conversations easily. A big change from 2 years ago. I think I look PDG actually, even though I am still 20 lbs away from goal. Well, let me rephrase, I think I look PDG DRESSED! Naked, is a whole other story. I am 45 years old and have spent at least 22 of them at least morbidly obese, then moving into the super obese category. I really don't think there is any way that my poor skin can bounce back after being stretched to capacity for so long. Up until about 30 lbs ago, the skin wasn't too bad, but since then, things have just gone to hell in a handbasket, made of my excess skin. On a forum I frequent, www.bariatrictv.com, the ladies were talking about breasts and how much they change. The WLS veterans on there said the boobs were the last to go. Some change at first, but then watch out! And let me tell you, they weren't wrong! The general consensus is that for every 100lbs you lose, you have between 10-12 lbs of excess skin accumulate, once you are "of a certain age". My nurse practitioner told me that she estimates about 30 lbs of excess skin on me now. So, technically, that would put me well nder goal. So, I called a plastic surgeon. I mean there is NO WAY I am going through all of this and feeling worse about my appearance than before. And I do; feel worse about my appearance than before. How twisted is THAT! Seriously! At 441 lbs I was blind to how big I was, and it takes me to look back at old videos to actually SEE that I was massive! Aren't delusions wonderful things sometimes? But now I take off my clothes and UGH...I look like someone has thrown massive gobs of pizza dough at me and they stucks. Showering is like giving one of my bloodhounds a bath. The skin just moves around with a mind of its own. And, not to be too graphic, there are rashes and issues that are just...too much. I walk to the bathroom in my nightie and I hear flop, flop, flop of my apron slapping off the tops of my thighs, I sit wrong and actually pinch my own ass, from the skin buckling in the wrong spot. If I raise my arms in a high wind, I might just achieve takeoff from the massive wings. I am pretty good at distracting myself on a day to day basis, but bedtime don't lie. When I lie back in the bed I literally have a puddle of skin outlining my body, from upper arms to calves. Now, I knew going in there would be issues, there was no way not too. But NOW I am signing up for more surgery. My appointment is August 23 and I am going to ask for a quote on a complete rebuild. I KNOW I can't afford it all at onece, and it will take years, but it puts a certain quaetion in my mind. When will I be OK? I was huge, now I am not, not even close. But I am not good enough. I will get the tummy and maybe breasts done first, but will that be enough? If I get the whole she-bang done and I and tight and taut, will that be enough? I have to remind myself that I am getting older, and stuff does go south on the best of us. But it's almost like I was in genalogical limbo for years, a kind of coma I am just coming out of. Other than my knees, I sure don't FEEL 45. And I sure don't act like my Mother did when SHE was 45. Is that ok? Or, unbeknownst to me, I am the delusional woman dressing like a teeny-bopper (does anyone even say that anymore) and looking kinda sad? I know many friends that aspire to be classy like Audrey Hepburn, or regal, like Lauren Bacall, but I never did. I wanted to be sexy. Always. I want to wear makeup and heels, and clothes that were fitted. For some reason Mae West just popped into my head. I want to be "rocker chic" but I fear that I am too old for that. I might need a rethink of who I want to be when I grow up. Cause the time is NOW.

07/29/2011

To say my life is a rollercoaster would be an understatement of gargantuan proportions. Unbelievable highs and lows that would fell most have become my norm. I have learned that when I am at my most low, I need to rely on others to help me rise above, even if those don't actually know they are helping. That is one of the reasons I love this Weight Loss Surgery Community.

As a single income family with special need children, money is ALWAYS an issue, but we find that every 4 years, it gets bad, really bad, and takes us the next couple of years to crawl out and start the cycle again. This is one of those years. I am not kvetching, just letting you know that this is my reality, and I rely on YOU to help me, not financially, but emotionally and spiritually.

A couple of weeks ago I arrived at Onderland, which, to those NOT in the know, means I have reached a weight BELOW 200lbs. Much joy for sure, I haven't seen those numbers on the scale in more than half my life! I received LOTS of well wishes and congratulations, and I was told how much my videos help members of my community. Thank you, it is part of the reason I make them, 1) to catalogue my progress, 2) to make myself accountable to others, and 3) to possibly help others who have come up behind me. But I wanted to let you know how much you all help ME too!

I have been making videos on youtube since Jan 2010, when I started this journey, (first as http://www.youtube.com/user/JessicaRabbitwannabe , and then as http://www.youtube.com/user/PatrinaStrippedBare ,because I used it to research my own journey and see how others had done before me. I thought it would be a great place to vent, and brag, and have a kind of testimony to my progress. In the process I have made many friends, and I watch it religiously! On bad days I can go to it 6-7 times a day, hoping to see a friends video. I rely on them. Today was no exception, I awoke from a bad dream fretting about money and how we were going to make due and I sat at my laptop and hit youtube. I can usually count on Sally a.k.a http://www.youtube.com/user/cabernetqueen, or Rosemary a.k.a http://www.youtube.com/user/gastricRose, or her sister Connie a.k.a http://www.youtube.com/user/QuiltingConnieB, to say something uplifting and help me cheer up, or if they are struggling, for me to reach out a hand and support them. After all, I am a firm believer in a load shared is a load halved! But this morning it was a different WLS friend who helped me. Vikki, whom I have never met, I know on youtube as http://www.youtube.com/user/VikkiJean2000 . Today she posted a video for her surgiversary, so one year ago today she had the surgery that gave her her life back! I watched as she joined a snippet from all her previous videos together showing her progress, clips of her on the gurney getting wheeled off to surgery, and I wept. I wept because I remembered the struggle of being huge, I remember the fear and elation as surgery day came. I remember the frustration of adjusting to my new life, and her video helped me reconnect to the fact that while my day to day life was difficult, I had been brave enough to take the bull by the horns and change things as far as my own person was considered. I saw the fear on her face and it was like looking at myself, and I saw her shrink, and I saw her smile, which lights up her face. She helped me give my head a shake this morning and open up my eyes to the fact that bad stuff happens, but I AM ALIVE! I am alive and WELL! I used her joy to buoy myself up for the day. I hope she doesn't mind. After all, if a load shared is a load halved, then a joy shared is a joy doubled!

07/19/2011

A giant super hero cookie for the person that identifies that quote! LOL It's my standby on daze like these! SUPER STINKIN" HOT, humid, and borderline unbearable to the dregs of the earth like us who can't afford air conditioning. Makes me cranky. OK...crankier. After losing as much weight as I have thusfar, I cannot even imagine or remember how I literally survived this heat wearing a 245lb fatsuit overtop. I must have been insane...or comatose. It's all a blur really.

I am finding much of my old life is a blur, and I wonder why? I know many of my fellow WLS compatriots get really STUCK in the old days, and even after reaching goal and having plastics, they still feel like the old pre-surgery them. But I am finding that I have to harken back, and get a timely smack in the puss to remember how I was. I mean, I can see me, kind of third party...I was the one sitting on the edge of a refrigerated display in the supermarket cause I couldn't walk another step and had to sit, and people kept thinking I was having a heart attack. I can see me standing up from squeezing into a chair with arms and carrying the seat with me, usually in a crowded restaurant. I can see these things, but usually, like I said, 3rd person. Like that isn't me, that is just some lost person I don't know but have compassion for. Have any of you experienced that? I guess, despite previous posts, I am not a beat myself up kind of person. I mean, some of you gals, and guys are the marquis de sade of self flaggelation! Holy crap! Weighing yourself after every meal so you can see what a PIG YOU ARE! Smack Smack! Wondering why you got cut off at a bar becuase they thought you had drunk too much after a couple glasses of wine. (Of course you were drunk, you had RNY like me my friend) "Was it cause I was the fattest person in my group?", No, it was because you WERE drunk! LOL No shame or blame, just let's go back to the footage, Jim! LOL It happens, you had fun, forgive yourself and learn...or don't. Doesn't really matter, it's just a zit on life's ass.

But I guess I am kind of doing the same thing. I am here examining myself asking, why can I disaasociate myself from THAT person? Do I have some sort of personality disorder? Is it HEALTHY or not that I am capable of doing this? What odds. It is what it is, and its not interefering with my progress, so off I go into the fray(enough cliche's for you?) I will admit I think alot of myself, I think I am a good person, I think I like to help others, and I think I am looking rather hot as of late. So sue me, I said it. I feel good, I think I look good, and yet some of you will read this and unsubscribe, or talk smack. Why isn't OK to like yourself? Why must we point out flaws on ourself if someone gives us a compliment? You know Maya Angelou says the only appropriate reponse to a compliment are the words Thank You. You are awesome! I am awesome! Even if your life is in the pooper right now, bankruptcy, laid off, divorce, YOU ARE STILL AWESOME! LOL I was just going to make an analogy to salmon swimming upstream against the current beating them back, but then they die, don't they. OK...scratch that analogy. How about this? How about we believe our own hype for a while? How about when someone compliments us on our WLS progress, or our home, or our cooking, or job, or anything, we give them the courtesy of believing them? Gosh Darnit, they just might be right? I AM awesome! Put that in your pipe and smoke it world!

07/09/2011

As I was scrolling around youtube I came across a new peep prepping for WLS. He posted about two women who work at his local coffee shop being outright rude to him, and how he was hurt by them, and tired of feeling invisible. I replied to him and told him about my experiences and told him about the similar blog I wrote a few weeks back, but it got me to thinking too. After years and years of being dissed, ignored and looked right through by the "normal" public, do people who have had the surgery feel resentment when they start getting SEEN? Especially if you are single, and those you have shown interest in when you were large were hurtful back toward you? I can really see how after you have lost the weight and those of the opposite gender start smiling and flirting, how maybe that could get right under your craw. But I will tell you what I told him..."I am not a super religious person, but Jesus said, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." I truly believe that most people don't realize that they are looking right through you, or that they may have been rude. I think that society today has no idea how to act appropriately to the obese. Maybe they are embarassed for us, maybe we make them damned uncomfortable, so rather then confront, they just ignore. We don't even show up on their radar at the end of the day, so why would we let it eat at us and make us bitter. They go to sleep at night and wake rested, but we toss and turn ans stew and spit at how we were treated. It is entirely unproductive and destructive. My advice is to keep your chin up, and keep moving forward, and if you are getting the surgery, trust that things will change. It's almost like their vision comes into focus and BLOOP, there we are. They smile, they meet your eyes, maybe even joke a little with you. Now, bear in mind, this comes from an outrageous flirt, who kinda demands the attention, but even when I am not in "flirt mode", there was still a HUGE difference in the attitude of those around me. Now that I think about it a little more, it's almost like someone handicapped, or perhaps disfigured or going through radiation and losing their hair gets treated by most. If I don't aknowledge their presence I won't catch it. I go through this with Patrick and Ruby all the time. Two handicapped children in tow shopping does attract some attention, but they don't have a clue how to act or respond! Shortly after Ruby was born, I was noticing how people were getting uncomfortable when they saw her( For those of you who don't know, Ruby has Down Syndrome). She was only a few months old and still in the baby bucket and people would look at her, perhaps in the grocery store, ready to make a comment on my beautiful baby (which she absolutely was) and I would see the words die on their lips, and they would just smile and walk away. I would end up in tears. Then, after Easter Mass, which I cried most of the way through and was praying, why God, why my poor baby?, a lady approached us in the lobby and came to coo over the new baby. I braced myself for the worst, and as she looked in she said, "Oh My, God has given you one of his Special Angels! You must be very special people!"(There I go, crying again and it was 16 years ago!) and I wrapped my arms around this stranger and hugged her til I stopped crying. That was what it took for me to get over my pity party and worry about Ruby. That one simple statement gave me the strength to go forward with my chin up. Forgive me my pride, but she was right. I was chosen to have her, and help her, and raise this Special Angel. So when people shy away or become embarassed, I chose to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they just don't know how to respond or behave. So, I recommend that you do that with others that may be uncomfortable around you, as an obese person. I know you aren't sick, or diseased, or grotesque, but give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, not everyone's Mama raised them right.

06/29/2011

I got on the scales yesterday and it's beautiful voice rang out to me...two...hundred...and five pounds! Six measly pounds til I hit that magical zone we WLSers call ONEDERLAND! Holy Makeral! Still a long way from goal, but I haven't been under 200 in 20+ years! Whoop Whoop for me! I feel great, and look PDG!(Pretty Damn Good...LOL) I mean, I have huge issues with skin, but in my clothes (and out of them if you ask my other half) I am looking kinda hot if I do say so myself. Statistics say that for every 100 lbs you loose, you have between 10-12 lbs of excess "skin weight". So, that means I have 20+ lbs of yuck happening. I made the mistake of telling this to my Mother(God Bless Her) and she immediately looked worried and said, maybe you should think of stopping now, you don't want to get "too thin"! TOO THIN! I swaer to you, never in my life have those words been uttered in reference to me! Within the span of a few days, 4 other people said it to me. It's like they had a conference call! What in the world is my response to that? I mean, I think I am looking good, but I am still in a size 18 pants and a womans large top. In what world would that make me too thin? A size 18 is NOT a small woman? My goal weight is 170, so another 35lbs to go. Tehn, will I be "Too thin"? To tell you the truth I ahve no reference for size anymore, since sizing has changed so much since I was this small. What size clothing will I be in at that weight? Will I still have curves? AND....so WHAT if I am too thin for a while?! I was Too Fat for more than half my life...maybe I would like to try too thin on for size? And as for the extra skin...that is extra skin ALL OVER! There is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks I am going to have plastics over my whole body, so some of that skin is here to stay baby. Better get used to it! Sometimes I actually daydream about getting MY ass into a size 8, and what I would look like. Would I be SLAMMIN'! or would I lose all my curves? I Like my curves, I Like showing them off now, and I Like the fact that, miraculously, I have no muffin top! How did THAT happen? I fully intend on having some plastics done, some paid for by my provincial insurance, and some ante-d up by me, but that will be a long time coming. I was looking at the saggy bits on my jawline and bemoaning the disappearance of that nice edge it used to have. My Mother(God Bless Her) said, "Well, you are 45, not exactly a spring chicken." THUMP Nothing like a mom the jerk you back down onto the ground. She is right, but does that mean I shouldn't WANT to look great, no matter what age I am. I mean, if money were no object, I would have the whole she-bang done, including facelift. I am not talking Joan Rivers facelift, no cheek implants or anything, but just to correct what I screwed up and stretched out. I am vain, I admit it. I like to turn heads. So sue me. So, theoretically, if I get to goal weight, then I would have about 25-30 lbs of skin. So I REALLY would be abour 145 lbs or so. Is THAT too thin for a 5ft 5 woman? I'd sure like to find out...at least for a little while! I told Dave that I wanted to weigh less than him for once in our lives. He is 155 lbs! EAT MAN EAT!!!!!! ?

18 months ago I saw an article in this newspaper about the new Bariatric Clinic opening in Guelph, and that was what got a fire lit under my ass to change my life. So when Audrey, the chief nurse at the clinic asked me to take part in a followup article, I jumped at the chance to give a little back!