Best man jokes for weddings in Mar-2012

Browse below for timely and topical material in ready-to-use best man speech form. A last minute addition to your script that connects a news story that has only just broken to a wedding day theme will show the audience just how razor sharp, witty and informed you are.

Displaying 13 topical best man speech jokes

Remember this day, folks. You may never see a wedding like this one again … not now that they’ve banned multi-buys on supermarket booze.

As an extra special wedding present, I’ve organized a timeshare in your name at a beautiful villa in an exotic, sunny location. I don’t know why I got it so cheap. If anyone else is interested, the company’s name is Homes from Home. Oh crap – I’ve just reread that and it’s actually Homes from Homs. Perhaps better to stick to your original honeymoon plans, you two …

Before I get started, I’d just like to scotch an ugly rumour. In the wake of the Tuilsa sex tape scandal, I’d like to make it quite clear that Charlie is marrying Gwen out of love, and not because he threatened to release his mobile phone footage of her.

It’s lovely to see such a happy couple. If only Xtra-Factor presenter Caroline Flack was so lucky in love. She says that her split from teenaged heartthrob Harry Styles has taught her a “very difficult lesson”. She doesn’t say what precisely, but I’m guessing something along the lines of wait until they’ve left school.

The vicar did a wonderful job, although it’s slightly disappointing to think that if we’d held back on the booking for a few more weeks, we could probably have got Rowan Williams. His diary’s suddenly cleared up.

We got an interesting window on the private lives of one high profile married couple this week. The leaked e-mails between Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and his British born wife revealed a tender side to the murderous dictator. Just for the record, Julia, if Morris does decide to go on an indiscriminate twelve month killing spree, I’m sure none of us would blame you for backing off.

You know, I thought this dream would never happen for Robert. There was a time when Robert getting married seemed about as likely as The Sun on Sunday running the headline: Socialist Party Best for Britain.

You can never know what marriage will bring. Just this week, for example, George and Beryl Keates became overnight millionaires after more than 30 years together, when George bought a lucky dip lottery ticket! George has made it clear that he won’t let the money change him, mind you. Apparently, he doesn’t expect to have much of the three-and-a-half-million left once he’s done changing her.

Years ago, Scott’s Mum told him “in this life, you’ve got to make your dreams happen”. He took the advice and now here he is, marrying his perfect woman. A dream come true ... My Mum told me something similar, which is why this year I’ll be running the 200 metres at the London Olympics, dressed only in a pair of socks, and pursued by a pack of hungry tigers. Well, I can’t help what I dream about, can I?