What Pandora thinks my life is like

The last few days, I’ve been getting ads from Pandora (streaming music) that have sort of made me go “whaaaaaa?” When I registered, I probably had to tell them my age (25), gender (female), and where I live (Redondo Beach, CA), so I suppose these ads are targeted to whatever my demographic is. And apparently, my demographic wants to get married.

Here are some samples of what 25-year-old women in Los Angeles want.

#1: TwoOfUs.org

About the ad: TwoOfUs.org. Based on this ad, it looks like they cater to young, married couples and give them tips about married life. I guess this makes sense, because if you’re a young, married couple, it’s likely most of your friends aren’t, and therefore you may need outside help on marital issues. On the other hand, it’s totally ridiculous. This is my favorite, it popped up yesterday, and that’s when I started paying attention.

What this says about me: I am already married. Bbeing married gives me a sense of “now what?” I do not know any grown-ups I trust enough to have a conversation about the first stages of marriage with. I like men who wear ugly, ribbed, pastel turtlenecks. I probably did not live with my now-husband before, because otherwise, would this really seem like something new?

In real life: I’m not married. I am, however, living in sin with my boyfriend. And you know what? They’re right: the only thing “keep[ing] our relationship fresh” is the anticipation of marriage. Oh wait, no. Not at all. In fact, I’m totally happy with my current situation. When my relationship starts feeling stale (i.e. the opposite of “fresh”), we just get drunk. Problem solved.

#2: Jared Jewelry Galleria

About the ad: Jared is a jewelry store chain with the most annoying theme song and TV commercials ever. The one with the girl doing the crossword puzzle: “What’s a 13-letter-world for true love?” (or something equally stupid) “He. Went. To. Jared. ZOMGMARRIEDZOMGWTFILUIRLZOMG.”

What this says about me: I am not married. But I want to be. Desperately. And my boyfriend is only worth as much as the jewelry he buys me. Otherwise, my girlfriends will be seriously disappointed.

In real life: Well, I do like shiny things, so they’re on to something there. However, I’m not responsible enough for expensive jewelry. As I mentioned before, I am in no rush to get married. And finally, my jewelry best come from Tiffany’s, bitch.

#3: Nuva Ring

About the ad: Nuva Ring is a form of birth control. The ad itself is pink and purple (natch!), but mostly looks like the side of a medicine bottle.

What this says about me: NO BABIES NO BABIES NO BABIES.

In real life: NO BABIES NO BABIES NO BABIES. They’ve pretty much nailed it this time.

#4: Ford

About the ad: Just a big Ford logo. To be honest, I’m impressed that Ford would advertised to me as I don’t think I have ever in my life seen Ford advertise to women. It’s always big trucks and manly shit. Because girls are dainty and can’t drive cars and don’t watch sports. Incidentally, I’ve been driving a GMC Sierra around recently and remarkably (to Ford’s advertising team) haven’t crashed it.

What this says about me: I need a new car. I have money to spend on a new car.

In real life: Actually, they’re right. I do need a new car. My car – a Chevy, ironically enough – died in the middle of the 405 this past Saturday. How do they know these things?! I do not, however, have money to spend on a new car.

In summary: I am constantly consumed with thoughts of marriage – but not children! – and I am wealthy enough for a car payment. The only people I know who fit that description live with their parents or their in-laws. AWKWARD.

Things they should advertise to me: Well, they’re right on with the birth control, ’cause let me tell you, I am a fan. I would also respond well to ads for fancy cheeses, microbrews, discount DVDs, flip flops, and nerdy genre TV shows.

So take note, advertisers! Now I’m going to go browse the message boards at twoofus.org because I enjoy judging people.