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Man
ask Grobnar to tell about things he find all around. Man say Grobnar
talk about thing and tell how he use thing. Also he say Grobnar say if
thing is good or bad. Grobnar no know why but man say he give Grobnar
mammal meat if Grobnar do this.

So Grobnar think he help. Grobnar
hungry. Grobnar not eat nothing in days. Well, Grobnar eat small bird,
but that not fill Grobnar up. So Grobnar tell stories and get mammal
meat. Grobnar mouth watering already.

Helping
one another is what keeps communities strong. If you happen to see your
elderly neighbor struggling to carry a bag of groceries up her stairs
you, obviously you're going to stop and help. There are a number of
moral reasons for this, but since I can't think of any specific ones
right now you'll just have to take my word for it. Wait, heres one: She
might die soon and leave you her old 1992 Chevy Malibu. It might not
seem like much, but I'd say it'd probably be worth about a grand if you
wanted to sell it.

I
don’t even know what number in the Animal Awards series this article
will be. Is it the 6th? 8th? It’s a mystery. But there are many more
species to give worst-of awards to; I can’t stop to check now, so let’s
just say this is the 9th in an infinite part series. In this one I’ll
give out awards to the least accomplished cats in history, which should
be interesting because cats never do anything at all.

I’d
estimate that 60% of stores in most malls are almost completely
worthless. Footlocker? Not even close to being needed. The Original
Mattress Factory? Total crap. Bath & Body Works? Please! What a
joke. All of these places could disappear overnight and it wouldn’t
make a bit of difference in anyone’s lives. In fact, the economy in the
area would no doubt improve because people who had been spending
thirty-eight dollars on a bottle of hotel shampoo in a fancy bottle
would suddenly find themselves flush with cash. It’s economic
stimulation.

I
have a rule that I don’t start an article with pointless,
seminonsensical puns. For example, if I were writing about those games
at arcades which give out tickets it might’ve been something like:
“Sometimes making children feel like winners is ‘Just the Ticket’ for
someone who wants to succeed in the arcade business!” or “Sometimes a
visit to the local arcade is like being in a ‘Ticket Tape Parade’, you
never quite know what'll come up!”

But
I won’t do that.
Instead, I think I'll just write whatever random crap comes into my
head, and when it seems to have gotten too long, I'll stop abruptly.
Yeah. That's what I'll do.

"There exist moments in time in which we must pause and allow
the sweet breath of life wash over us.
Each day; every precious second; on this tilting sphere is a gift from the Great Iron Gods.
Let us take great heaving gulps of the sea;
let us be alive."-Socrates

Dinosaurs count as animals, don’t they? I’m fairly sure they do. Well,
it doesn’t really matter because I’m just about to call out the worst
of them. Animals or not, some dinosaurs are about to be pissed off. I
don’t even care either; I’m tough. I tell it like it is, and if some
random plesiosaur doesn’t like it, he can try to email me about it. I’d
love to see him try too, with those fins of his.

These are the kind of
high-end insults against dinosaurs you can expect to hear in this
article, and there’s plenty more where that came from, pal. Intrigued?
I thought so.

Alright,
let’s be completely honest here: This is no longer a series dedicated
to recognizing the achievements of animals. This is not by design; it’s
just the way it happened to play out. See, animals (even fictional
ones) almost never do anything worthwhile.

What’s the point of
commending the best of the worst? There isn’t one. So from now on, I’m
using this space as a platform for rants against lazy animals I hate.
And few animals are as worthless as the pig, so I’d better get started
on them.

What
would the world be like if we only did good things for others? Would it
be a better place to live? These are the questions I often ask myself
as I callously brush past a homeless person on the street or gleefully cut
someone off in heavy traffic. I never seem to get an answer though. It must
be that I don’t care. Anyway, being kind to others seems like it would
be a lot of work.