Felix Hernandez joined Philip Humber and Matt Cain in the Perfect Game club this year, shutting down the Rays in Seattle yesterday. If only it was against the Yankees and Ichiro (hitting 9th) was the last hitter and Ichiro bunted. Oh, the Internet drama! Or is it a total dramacracy? What are the kids saying nowadays? For a while King Felix looked out of shape. Oh, uneasy lies the head that wears a crown made from Snickers wrappers. But he checked his Ho Hos at the door and, after a 2011 year where a higher BABIP led to a rise in ratios (3.47/1.22), F-Her is back down to 2010 levels (2.60/1.06) and a not that shabby 11 wins, considering the team he has around him. Based on WAR, the only pitcher with a better AL Cy Young case is Justin Verlander. Even if he doesn’t beat out Verlander, at least he’ll have perfect game bragging rights over him….”So, Justin, I was at the Perfect Game Club and Tom Browning and I were doing body shots off Kate Upton – you know her, right? Yeah, good times.” Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Melky Cabrera – Turned out that the MLB does not approve the supplement, Muscle Melk. He was playing so far above his head for the last two years that the Regression Fairies probably tainted his urine. You mess with the Regression Fairies, you get the horns! MLB said they were tipped off by the Hall of Fame groundskeeper, Scoots McDoogle. It seems that when Melky paid Cooperstown a visit, he tried on Bonds’s game-worn helmet from his 756th homer and it fit perfectly. It’s like Cinderella’s glass slipper. If it fits, you’re on ‘roids. At least Melky can now blame the crotch chop gesture to Atlanta fans as ‘roid rage. Would explain why so many wrestlers do the crotch chop too. People should’ve been worried when he wanted to be called, The Melkz. (BTW, the crotch chop that Chipper got so mad at wasn’t even that big of a deal. Chipper is a curmudgeon, and ironically named.) The only thing that really pees me off is I kept saying Melky wasn’t this good, and didn’t draft him because of it and now his fantasy owners reaped almost two seasons of rotten Melk. I think fantasy leagues should remove any stats that were accrued by a player that tests positive. Tell me that wouldn’t be a fun wrinkle. You’re like, “Well, Edwin Encarnacion is playing over his head, and I can keep him on my team, but if he tests positive, then I’m gonna lose all those stats so I better trade him.” A new element to our favorite pastime’s favorite pastime! Our pastime’s pastime? Yeah, I’m not sure. Oh, and drop Melky, as the only position he’s now eligible for is POS. On the bright side (in that if you look deep enough into the dark, you see light again), Melky can still win the batting title. And you thought Reyes was dastardly for sitting out one day for a batting title, Melky’s sitting out 50.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he takes over for Flunky. Score that a victory for Blanco’s fans (The Whiteys?). Everyone else (outside of NL-Only leagues), I’d look elsewhere.

Justin Ruggiano – Left yesterday’s game when he strained his oblique. Back to Parma for you Ruggiano!

Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Due to no other options, he’s back in the Marlins 3rd base job…the eversucking Dobbsstopper.

Gorkys Hernandez – 1-for-3 with an RBI. Hey, it’s Gorkys Hernandez, the character from the Telemundo remake of Life Goes On! With Ruggiano out, Gorkys could see an uptick in playing time. Gorkys is a poor man’s Ben Revere — Ben Less-Revered. He’s got speed, but not much else.

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks with a 3.80 ERA. He lost to Mark Buehrle who has four more wins than Halladay and a lower ERA because the universe is conspiring against you. Not everyone. Just you. That also explains why if you look at that birthmark on your neck with a microscope it says “#fail.”

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Someone asked in the comments yesterday what Scherzer’s nickname was. Well, he started as Jobacum because when he was first called up, his stuff looked like Joba and Lincecum. That now makes absolutely no sense. Next, he went to the name Golem because he sounds like a Michael Chabon character. Then it was Maddening Max Scherzer or “You Make Me Mad” Max. Now that he’s leading the major leagues in strikeouts, he’s just the Maxdaddy.

Delmon Young – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. The scary thing is in 6 seasons 13 homers is now the 2nd most homers he’s ever had in a major league season.

Andy Dirks – 1-for-4 as he batted 2nd yesterday. Now that could be because he played right field and Leyland hits right field 2nd and left field at the bottom of the order. Why? Because he used all but one of his lineup cards to roll tobacco.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Now hitting near .400 in the last week with 2 homers. In Thailand that’s called a bhat panang curry with schmotato.

Steve Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, a run and a steal. Hitting near .450 in the last week and I never thought I’d say this, but when Desmond returns the Nats have too many hitting options. The Nats should bench Harper. I know, that’s treasonous. Selfishly, I’d like to see Desmond go to the minors to get his timing back, so I can continue to play Lombardozzi in an NL-Only league. Or shellfishly, if there’s lobsters reading.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a steal. Guess the ankle’s okay. Consarn it! I should’ve dropped Ruggiano instead of Werth. I hear you laughing Fantasy Gods and I will curse you with all my might like I’m in a bad Tom Shadyac movie.

Jaime Garcia – Will return on Sunday and take over Joe Kelly’s rotation spot. Dave Dinkins’s fantasy team name is about to make sense again.

Yadier Molina – Will miss 2-3 days with a stiff lower back. Coincidentally, it takes the Molina brothers 2-3 days to complete a Chinese fire drill.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. In like a lion and out like a lion, but lambish in the middle?

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. This is a totally uncalled for jinx, but I don’t own him anywhere so here goes nothing. Last year, he had three months with an ERA around a 2.75, then he tired out and his last month he had an ERA around 7.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Now 15 more before October and we’re all good.

Jemile Weeks – Didn’t start yesterday and speculation around the interweb is that Weeks “could be under pressure” as he continues to drop a lump of coal onto fantasy owners. If he was in New York, Philly, or Boston, that pressure could turn him into a diamond. In Oakland, I think that would convert him into a slightly misshapen briquette.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-2, 2 RBIs to bring his season total to 19, while Ellsbury went 2-for-4 and recorded his 11th RBI. Comatose Red Sox Fan, who’s been out since March, just woke, “11 RBIs and 19 RBIs? Does Ortiz have 160 RBIs already? A-Gon have 50 homers? Youk carrying us? At least we’re in first, right? In good shape for the Wild Card?”

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs with his 2nd homer in as many games. Just change your password to “Grey’sMoostash” and I’ll pick him up for you.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with a steal. He’s now hitting .400 in the last week. On the year, he’s also hitting fifty points better at home. Meaning at Coors. Unless his old lady kicked him out and he’s living in the clubhouse.

Jim Henderson – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. This Brewers closerousel isn’t like the carousel you used to ride when you were a kid. There’s no seat belts, it goes in a circle at ninety miles per hour and the horses throw crap from their hooves at innocent bystanders.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer, average is at .208, which is also his weight after a 4 month bout with malaria.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Now has hits in 6 straight games with two homers. Wait, that’s not right. Hey, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. I mean, Viciedo has six straight games with a hit and two homers came during that stretch. Viciedo gets scorching hot for a few weeks at a time, so if he’s out there Veni Vidi Viciedo.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 and his third straight day with a homer. Maybe New Jersey can still put on their license plates “The Home of Bruce” instead “Hey, What Exit Are You From?”

Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 runs with a slam (15) and legs (2). Now hitting over .450 in the last week and that’s all thanks to me not picking him up. You’re welcome.

Chris Johnson – 0-for-3 and 1 for his last 14. “Hey, Chris, could you get out of the car and check the tire on my fantasy team? I think it’s flat.” “Which one?” “Later, sucker!”

David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 16th homer. Member when he hit 10 homers in April and May combined and we were like, “Yo, Freese, bomb, dawg! He bomb, dawg,” and we choreographed that handshake that required parachutes and a 24-count box of Flavor Ice. And that was our Freese Shake. Member that? Yeah, the parachutes didn’t open and Freese fell back to earth.

David DeJesus – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with 2 homers. Groove is in the DeJesus.

Justin Germano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. I’d throw me against the Astros right now and I throw like a girl. No offense to our beautiful four girl readers. I love the ladies!

Alfonso Soriano – 0-for-2 and a run. Cubs are still agressively trying to get rid of him. In related news, Soriano would like to know who listed him on eBay. The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.

Scott Moore – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Seeing that’s one of the more impressive accomplishments this year, August 31st will be ScoMo Bobblehead Day. Not as cool as Jose Altuve Bobblehead Day which is life-sized.

Bud Norris – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, but left yesterday’s game with a foot contusion after trying to do a kick save on a comebacker. He should change his name to Bud Vezina.

@Curt, I think most folks would say Balfour, but I’d go for Thayer. Neither team is going to win a lot, and both home parks favor pitchers. But Thayer’s thrived in the role before while Balfour struggled, and I don’t see the Padres rushing Street back. It’s already going to be September and I wouldn’t be surprised for it to be moved back further. Besides, Cook is officially on hiatus from the role and could earn it back within a few days.

Good morning Grey … my 14-team 6×6 roto league allows two keepers from the 5th round or later at the penalty of one round, or a 12th-round pick if they guy was not drafted. We also have two DL slots and with DL guys likely to be useful this year are all but gone. So with Konerko about to come off the DL I was thinking of stashing a possible keeper there. Who do you think are the 2 or 3 best picks for 2013 between:

Is replacing Beckett (yes, sadly I still seem to have him on my bench) with Medlen a switch worth making? Beckett’s not going to care any more or play any better, and Medlen is the best of who’s available.

Also, having been hit by the nuclear Melkdown yesterday, too, which of the following would you replace him with? Torii Hunter, EYJ, Espinosa, Werth?

Did you watch any of Lincecum’s start? I just traded for him and was able to watch the first two innings. He actually looked like he had good stuff. He got screwed in the first inning with two bloops and a groundball that found its way through the shift. They weren’t making great contact but he had to labor through something crazy like 40 pitches in the first inning. I think he ended up giving up a double and homer later to maybe they started hitting him better but I really do think he has been terribly unlucky this year. I was also encouraged by just the 1 walk.

Does anyone else feel that the All-Star game is now somewhat tainted. Melky had a great game, and now the NL has home field advantage potentially because of PED use. MLB should be ashamed this how how home field is decided.

@Luke T, I’d say it would taint my memory of the All-Star Game but I forget the game by late July. It’s a joke that it’s used to determine home field advantage. It should be based on the team with the most regular season wins. I’d say the old ‘alternate every year’ puts an asterisk on some World Series – notably the 1987 World Series where Minnesota got home field advantage for game 7 despite having 80-something wins in regular season.

Thinking about moving Liriano, Zobrist, and Perkins for Scherzer and Motte, solid move? Figure I get a “more stable” K guy, and add a third solid closer with Holland and Clippard for the stretch run. Zobrist is a bench bat w Altuve, Castro, and a full OF.

Also, weekly transaction limit is at 5. I am beating down my opponent, however he has a lot of starters remaining and I do not. I could potentially use one extra spot start on Sunday, and only have one remaining move, but EY is available. I currently have Marte as my “Crawford Insurance.” Make the move for EY or hold for right now incase I need the start? 12T H2H

@MattTruss223, gotcha. i just saw one clip. sad how he disrespected a fine culture (atlanta brave nation) via an offensive chop. i wonder if he somehow thought it was harmless or even an homage to that fine culture? :)

@Rudy Gamble, Ha! Sarcasm noted. He did suck pretty hard w/the Braves only to get released and tear it up from there on out. Crazy though. How much you think he was set to make as a FA at the end of this year? Just cost himself a lot of dough, doh!

@MattTruss223, Did he though? The only thing that cost him FA dollars is getting caught. He’s still going to get paid more now–maybe on a one or two year deal–than he would as a .260/.310/.360 hitter with little speed and even less power.

@stumanji, I don’t think teams will be lining up to give him a bunch of cash after getting suspended 50 games. Why take the risk that he gets popped again and is gone for a hundo? And if you do trust him that he’s no longer using then aren’t you gonna pay him like the .260/.310/.360 hitter he was and not the .350 hitter he was while drugged up?

@MattTruss223, That’s kind of my point. Considering the Braves released him outright after the 2010 season and he was looking at a future of minimum contracts and was probably on the fast track out of MLB, I still contend that he’s going to end up in the black financially. Can’t really say that he “lost” money that he would not have made otherwise.

@stumanji, Uh, I think we’re just saying the same thing in a different way. Getting himself caught just caught him a shizz load of money. Had he not gotten caught and hit FA at the end of the year he would’ve banked. Now, he likely won’t make shizz next year. Ergo, he cost himself a ton of cashola.

@MattTruss223,
My point: $ made by taking PEDs and getting caught > $ made by not taking PEDs and continuing to suck.
Your point: $ made by taking PEDs and getting caught < $ made my taking PEDs and not getting caught.

Grey,
Have a question for you about my Yahoo h2h league (12 team, 5×5, OBP instead of avg)…I have mccutchen, Heyward and Stubbs at my 3 OF spots, but there is a lot of talent available, like Harper, Torii Hunter, krispie, Werth, marte, Rasmus, soriano. I’m pretty solid in steals and runs most weeks, but I’m in need of hrs and rbis, so would you pick up any of the guys listed and drop heyward or Stubbs?

12 team 5×5 roto league. A little worried about Konerko’s health, so I am considering flipping him for Joe Mauer, who also provides some nice position flexibility (two catcher league). Is this fair for ROS, or am I just panic trading?

Anyone have any info on how close Konerko is to returning? I need his power but have Morneauesque thoughts about his forward potential. He is eligible Friday but was wondering if that will come to fruition.

Remember the soccer/basketball/etc. rec league you played in when you were in 5th grade? Remember how there was always a team in the league that was terrible, bunch of fat kids, freaks and geeks, etc.? Maybe you were on such a team. But there was usually one, lone guy on that team who was really good. Remember how he’d hustle and make great plays, but all his skill was squandered by his teammates tripping over each other?

Yesterday, Jose Altuve went 3 for 4. Following each of his singles, the next Astro batter hit into a double play. All 3 times.

Also just wanted to share the sombering teeter totter that is pitchers in points leagues. Last night Brandon McCarthy was cruising at KC. Thru 6-2/3 he had given up one un-earned run and just a few hits. Then with a 2-1 lead the Royals hit 3 consecutive 2 out doubles (2 off of McCarthy and one off of Doolittle after McCarthy was pulled) to take a 3-2 lead that would hold up. All of a sudden a 7 inning – 0 earned run gem which would have netted me about 18 points turned into only 4 points with the loss. With Cliff Lee, Jordan Zimmerman and Josh Johnson on my roster, most of the season I’ve been watching great pitching performances that rarely get rewarded with wins. Ugh!

I need a speed upgrade. The guy I’m talking turkey with has Jennings, Kipnis and Stubbs. He want’s HR/RBI but he rejected Pence for Kipnis. Do you see any of my guys for any of his guys being fair? (I thought Pence was). Rasmus, Hart, Craig, Frazier, Morales

@Grey, Infante’s pretty blah outside of a decent avg. (he’s actually riding my bench) so I almost feel like it’s a two for one. I’ll try Rasmus for Jennings but I think Kipnis/Werth fits the bill. Anyone else have thoughts?

Ok grey, got a tough one here. On Saturday I have to go to Santa Monica to inspect a building for an insured. Do you have any must try places to eat out there? Its been years and I’m not as hip as I used to be.

@Simple Jack, No problem. I was just seconding Grey’s good call.
Although, I have to disagree about Capicola. Ham comes from the back leg. Pork Butt comes from the front leg. And delicious Capicola comes from the shoulder and neck.

@Grey, me too, kinda a slut for those, there is an Italian deli chain out my way called Claro’s and for like $5 you can get any three meats, excluding the imported prosciutto, and one type of cheese. I use to go like three or four times a week. You could probably smell the vinagerette dressing they put on it coming out of my pores.

@Grey, true, but I don’t think any staff has the wow factor, damn that was a Daryl line, The angels have the potential with their staff, but really all the staffs look a little ho-hum. I think the Giants are out and everyone else has an ace and then a big drop off. Too many teams are relying on young arms that have never been tested in October. The Nats, A’s, Rangers, and White Sox have those young arms and I think the wheels can fall off. We might actually see a hitters duel this year with it going to the bullpens to decide it. Which is good, I have turned off more games the last couple of playoffs from boredom than ever before.

@Grey, I miss the days of the west and the east, one series for the pennant and then onto the world series. I could never wrap my head around the three divisions and the wildcard. sorry, but the fourth best team should never have a shot.

@Grey, Hilarious! I already understood the semantics, but I have noticed that many are just wanting some term that makes them feel sexy again. So like many things in this world, people blindly attach themselves to an idea whether it fits or not. Socialyl defined and identity are important for a alot these days.

@Grey, sound like an idea for an infomercial…are you ladies looking for confidence? need that boost to feel young again? just stuck in the blues? well we have the answer for you, its called Grey and he will make you feel sexy again after just one weekend.Guaranteed!

Today’s article on that site whose name we for some reason don’t explicitly state is about speculating on saves, and highlights some MIs that might get save opps and then Wilton Lopez. I just thought it was hilarious that the Astros are so terrible that if you pick up their closer, you’re doing it because you’re “speculating” that he will get a save, one of these days. So sad…

@Grey, But that’s because one of Romo and Affeldt could just take the closer role, right? Because it seems unlikely that if they shared the role and Lopez remained the closer in HOU, that either Romo or Affeldt would end up with more saves than Lopez. Though I guess that assumes that SF won’t win more than twice as many games as HOU from here on out, which I probably should not assume. So sad…

I wouldn’t bet on the Astros winning ten more games… Then how many of those are save chances? Then he has to convert them… They’d probably all end up around 7 saves the rest of the way, but there’s a chance for more with SF…

@Grey, I already pulled the trigger on Segura, looks primed to start something. I just can’t help myself sometimes, hope this isn’t a pre-mature trigger pulling problem like I did with Dickey and Burnnett earlier in the year.

Let the Medlen questions come!!!! Haha I just seen yesterday he was dropped in like 2000 leagues… Dummies.. if he’s startin, he’s beastin! Some guy named grey said he was bout to get hot and he was right. That grey guy is pretty accurate!

Yeah, gotta agree with that… I never liked burgers until recently so I don’t know other good ones, but there’s a ton in this city… Glad to see you included Comme Ca, lot of people don’t even know that one… Damn good… Golden State is walking distance from me, and that means something in LA… I think Father’s Office is slightly overrated and it’s a bad douche scene in there…

@Grey, If Golden State is walking distance, were almost neighbors. I’m a few blocks north-west of there… and pretty sure I eat at Benitos every week (carne Asada burrito guacamole/cheese only) – weekly ritual during baseball season.

DOuche factor outta control at Fathers Office. Agreed.

Lucky Devils is retarded good too. Just missed the cut… Huge Bowery fan, check it out if you haven’t been and Rustic Canyon burger is outta this world, but only served on dinner menu.

Finally, if you venture down to San Diego, gotta check out the new Slaters 50/50 spot in Point Loma on old naval base. Went last weekend, completely off the charts.