the diary of our quest for baby number 2

It was the 2nd anniversary of our reduction yesterday. The days running up to it left me feeling very emotional – I re-read the blog entries and remembered those dark and difficult days so clearly. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, yet also still so vivid and raw.

I still often catch myself wondering how it might have been to have 3 little ones running around, causing mischief, winning me over with a cheeky smile… but I am grateful that we have two adorable children with us. The twins have their special place in our hearts and last night we lit two chinese lanterns and remembered our little ones. Our daughter watched from her bedroom window and waved at them as they floated peacefully up into the frosty sky.

We’ll continue to honour them in a similar fashion every year, until maybe we won’t want or feel the need to. For now, it feels right.

What has become clear is that I don’t feel the need to continue this blog. It has been incredibly useful to me, getting down those random, complicated thoughts. And when I look back to how it all started, with a mission to document a 2nd pregnancy, with a vague idea of trying for a boy… how differently it panned out. The blog will remain as a diary – one day maybe my children will read it. In the meantime, it gets a fairly steady stream of unknown readers – I know not all of those readers agree or understand what we did or why we did it, but there are at least a couple for whom it has helped. To know that you are not alone in going through this incredibly difficult time. It was the lack of information and support for this very specific procedure which I found deeply upsetting, there was no-one to turn to, until I discovered the Yahoo support group. Even there, the women were all American and had become pregnant with fertility treatments, I was the only one pregnant entirely naturally (which meant we had had no discussions about the likelihood of multiple pregnancy or it’s outcomes). However we all know the double edged sword that reduction is. We all agonised over the procedure, feel great guilt, grief and confusion, wondered ‘what if…’. Together we continue to talk, discuss, counsel and support each other. A tiny bunch of some of the bravest, strongest women I have ever encountered. I am proud to be one of them, despite the circumstances which brought us together.

And so, it is time to say goodbye. Thank you to those who have read and commented – it sure has been a bumpy ride, but life goes on, and we are all stronger for the experiences we have had.

I’d like to dedicate this blog to my wonderful husband and my gorgeous children (all four of them). I love you all to the moon and back. xxx