19 February 2013

What a frustrating hour of television. Not because it's disappointing - I think this season has been the least disappointing season of Walking Dead since it started - but because STOP MAKING RICK BE CRAZY I DON'T LIKE IT AND I WOULD WAGER NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER.

Rick's looking out of the prison through binoculars, which must mean he's on watch, which makes sense because by now he's actually clinically insane. He stomps outside, leaving chain link gates open in his wake. Michonne's like "aroo??" nearby in her sideways-prison-bus shack, but she doesn't stop him. Maybe she should just chop his head off and get it over with. At best, his mumbling and stumbling will attract zombies to the prison. At worst, he'll shuffle somewhere and fall headfirst into a barn full of zombies where little girls go to die.

However, I'd rather watch 1000 of Rick's spirit journeys than go to Woodbury, where Andrea and the Governor are holding a Boring-Off. "You're a good leader." "You're a good leader." "Are you making plans to do something to the prison?" "No." "Good, that's what I thought." "Status quo, you got that right." "Milton, come here." "Yes?" "Say something boring." "Will do." Why didn't Andrea leave when she saw the Governor pit Merle against Daryl? Didn't that present some solid evidence as to why it might be bad for her to stay?

Merle and Daryl do brother stuff in the woods, and Daryl's starting to realize how entirely lame Merle is. There's no game to hunt, so Daryl tries to be pragmatic, saying "we could loot a house or go fishing or go back to the prison where it's safe." Merle's like, "Boy howdy, we gonna catch us a skunk to eat, and I don't care if it's impossible!!! Yee haw!" Merle.

Without Crazy Rick or Loyal Daryl, the prison's de facto leader is Glenn, who really doesn't seem up to all this business. He wants to take Michonne to Woodbury for a sneak assassination, but Hershel shoots the idea down pretty quickly. Then Glenn wants to take Maggie somewhere with him and Hershel's like "you remember she almost got raped yesterday, right?" It's like a new generation of Dale naysaying Shane's ideas, but at least Hershel and Glenn aren't nearly as diametrically opposed. Where Shane represented savage-state humanity and Dale stood for blind civility, Glenn and Hershel's conflicts happen in more of a gray area. Should something be done to prevent the Governor from destroying the prison? Yeah, that would be smart. Would it bring about the deaths of more [innocent] people? Probably. What can be done with the resources we have? Not much. Should we leave? Probably not.

While the gang parses these tough questions, Axel strikes up a flirtation with Carol. He tells her he robbed a store with a toy gun, and the story sounds less like a cute confession than it sounds like the prologue to a gruesome death scene for Carol. He's practically wearing a sandwich board that says "Don't Trust Me," but I guess Carol can fend for herself. Especially now that Daryl's out of the picture. She eats it up.

Out in the woods, Merle and Daryl hear a family being attacked by zombies on a bridge. Daryl rushes to help them, but Merle literally says "They ain't never cooked me a meal." Most strangers haven't yet, Merle, so there may be a gap in your logic. As Daryl helps the stranded family fight off the walkers, Merle mopes and watches nearby. Then he forces his way into the baby car to find an "enchilada." GOD DAMN IT, MERLE.

Daryl lets it all out once the family drives off. "You asked for it," he says about Merle getting left on the roof in Atlanta. Sure, they were planning on robbing the camp, but Daryl found that just living with them was good enough. Merle tears Daryl's shirt for some reason, I guess because he thinks there are a million shirts just waiting to be worn in Daryl's pack, and we see that Daryl's been whipped so badly he still bears the scars on his back. And it's all because Merle left home when Daryl was too little to defend himself. Daryl heads back to the prison without his brother. He's had enough shitheadedness.

Hershel hobbles down to the part of the yard that's closest to Rick's psycho hiking path. He's hoping Rick can stop being crazy so that Glenn doesn't have to try to lead anymore. Rick's drenched in sweat, his eyes can't seem to focus, and he's probably gone 10 days without sleeping. But at least he seems to know he's hallucinating...so that's good enough for Hershel. Come on back to your throne, friend-king!

Axel says something flirty to Carol and all my roommates simultaneously observe that it's obviously going to be Axel's last line. He gets shot in the head, and soon the entire prison yard is a war zone. Governor Moron and his pal Martinez have arrived, and they're chomping on wet cigars as they fire billions of rounds into the air. Oh boy.

Somehow someone from Woodbury has infiltrated the watch tower and he's shooting at everybody. Rick's trying to shoot at Martinez from the Crazy Path, but nothing hits him. Soon a van crashes through the fence in front of the prison and releases zombies into the yard. They stagger toward legless Hershel. Yep, things are looking real bad at West Georgia Correctional.

Luckily for everyone, Daryl and Mopey Merle arrive just in time to (kind of) help. They get Hershel out of the yard and kill off a few zombies, and for now the Governor seems to have left. They can probably survive. They'll have to mend the fence, though, and I'M NOT SO SURE MERLE'S SO GOOD AT THAT.

"I should think we might visit the stables and go for a ride," she suggests.

Charles thinks for a moment, then nods. "Splendid idea! I say, let's off!"

Charles and Camilla arrive at the stables, where they greet the Head Groom.

"G'day, Your Royal 'ighnesses!" says the stable master, taking Camilla's parasol. "Shall Sir go first on this fine afternoon, or the Lady?"

Charles and Camilla both speak at once: "I'd like to -- oh you should -- oh all right, I'll -- Oiiiii..." They look at each other awkwardly, not sure who should go first.

"'ow 'bout I saddle you bofe up at the same time?" the Head Groom offers.

"Quite!" they exclaim, giggling heartily as the Head Groom straps saddles on both of their backs and beckons two Appaloosas with a few clicks of the tongue. The horses jump onto the saddles and steer Charles & Camilla off into the sunset.

"God save the Queen," says the stable master, to no one in particular. The royals jump over a stream in the background.

11 February 2013

Wow, 400 posts and they're ALL about zombies??! That's quite a feat. Amazing work, Becklectic staff! They said there was only so much you could write about zombies...they said people would notice if you incorrectly attributed statistics...but they were wrong. [Walking] Dead wrong.

After a long yet instantaneous winter, the Walking Dead is back - and it throws us right back into the Brother vs. Brother cage match we were all so nervous about. Merle must kill Daryl to prove his loyalty to Woodbury, and all the townsfolk are like "KILL YOUR BROTHER! KILL YOUR BROTHER!" even though these people are specifically living here for the quaint, community-based lifestyle.

Merle kicks and punches his brother while Woodburians bring zombies into the pit to make everything scarier. Merle side-mouth whispers "I got this, little brother!" but his entire plan seems to be "fight Daryl then stop fighting Daryl & maybe they'll get confused." I guess it's a ruse? Merle's plans are hard to follow. Somehow it works, and the brothers march out of Woodbury with a pilfered crossbow for Daryl.

Maggie, Rick, and the Dixon Brothers leave a hole in the fence when they leave Woodbury, and a one-eyed zombie finds his way in. You know it's bad because the zombie waggles his eyebrows up and down while staring directly into the camera like "hubba hubba!!!" It does not bode well.

Back at the lime green SUV, Michonne and Glenn are less than thrilled to see Merle. "Hey everyone, remember when Merle was a miserable racist 100% of the time he was with us, and then remember how he recently threw a zombie into a locked room with Glenn while he was handcuffed to a chair? Maybe we shouldn't bring him back to camp," they suggest. "I AIN'T LEAVIN' MY BROTHER AGIN!" declares Daryl, as Merle compares Michonne's zombie prisoners to the history of slavery in America. Thankfully, Rick cold-cocks him. Not thankfully at all, Daryl decides to leave the group to stay with Merle.

Over at the West Georgia Correctional Facility, Axel and Tyreese make friends by doing a little race-based shtick: "Who'da thought a brother would try to break into prison?" "Who'da thought a white guy wouldn't try to break out?!" It's funny how things get reversed in a Zombiepocalypse. The dead come to life, outside is safer than inside, and brothers be actin' like whitey. It's a lot like a Chris Rock joke from 1994.

Tyreese's group considers killing nearby Carol and Carl in order to get themselves some guns and freedom to roam, but Beth marches up and hands them weapons before they act on it. Awkward! Like, could you hear us talking when you first came in? No reason, just like...awkwardddddd.

Assorted Woodburians are ready to leave for good, but the men guarding the wall won't let them through. There seems to be a zombie attack happening on the other side of the wall, so the guards have good reason to keep the gates shut, but nevertheless Andrea marches up and is like "Can't you see you're SCARING them?? Let these people GO!" She is the Moses of this story.

Mister Zombie Woo-Woo (remember him?) has been secretly attacking the townsfolk from within, and now his team of zombies are marching into all the hubbub. Andrea takes care of all the zombies, but when it comes time to execute a man who's dying from a zombie bite, she freezes. The Governor FINALLY comes out to see what all the fuss is, shoots the guy, and leaves. "Where have you been, asshole?" murmurs the crowd in unison.

Andrea gives a rousing speech to the surviving Woodburians: "Maybe one day, if there even are history books (which there probably won't be), this little kerfuffle will probably make it in. We fought zombies, you guys. I mean that's like a big deal." All the while the Governor eavesdrops from his window, stewing in jealousy. To be honest, I have no clue what's going on with him these days. I feel like I was supposed to remember some things about him that just aren't coming to mind.

Carol and Carl await the return of the lime green SUV at the prison entrance. They pass the time talking about jumbo jets and moms. Finally Rick's rescue team comes back, and when Rick tells Carol that Daryl's gone, she has a silent conniption fit and possibly forgets to lock the fence back up. I mean there aren't any shots to suggest "look what Carol forgot to do," but c'mon, maybe somebody should check just in case?

Now that Rick's back, Beth forgets all about Carl. She gives Rick a kiss on the cheek and holds his baby all the time and is basically 70% into being the hand that rocks the cradle already. Or the hand that rocks the "Lil Asskicker" postal box. I would look out for this one. That catatonic episode probably didn't help her brain all that much.

Rick goes into Tyreese's cell to meet the newbies. "Hello and welcome to prison," he says. "We're good people here- HEY! HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU, LADY IN THE WHITE DRESS! WIPE THAT FACE OFF YOUR HEAD BEFORE I SHOOT EVERY PERSON IN THIS ROOM! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T EXIST?!!?!!!!!!!1" Oh boy, Rick's crazier than ever.

07 February 2013

Meryl Streep sits in her gorgeous, sun-drenched breakfast nook, sipping a fresh French-pressed coffee and reading the Times. Her Warby Parkers have fallen to the end of her nose, but she doesn't seem to mind. Her husband, Don Gummer, walks in wearing a robe and rubbing his eyes.

"Morning, dear," she says, peering over her glasses at her adoring husband.

"And a beautiful morning to you too, Mer," he replies as he kisses her on the forehead.

He pours himself the rest of the coffee in the French press and sits down next to Meryl. He notices something in the pile of newspaper sections she's already read.

"Looks like that Rihanna is back together with Chris Brown," he says.

"Hmm?" she asks, not looking up from the Business pages.

"It's such a shame when young women - role models, really - get back together with men who have raised a hand to them. It sends such a wrong-headed message to the girls of the world," he explains.

As he speaks, Meryl puts her paper down and walks over to the butchers block, above which various cast iron pans hang on a rack. She takes down the largest one.

"Making some eggs, Mer?" asks Don.

She walks back over to the nook and CLANGS Don in the face with the cast iron pan.

"RIHANNA...CAN HANDLE...HERSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screams, tears streaming down her face, catching on her Warby Parkers.