Welcome back, dear readers. Fresh off the plane from the Masters of Photoshop Conference, I offer the best contributions from your fellow commenters. There’s even some family friendly material! So bring your wife, bring your kids, bring that special someone who only exists in your darkest fantasies—it’s Comments of the Week!

The Surly Badger:“Anything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough.” – Abraham Lincoln

Out of nowhere, Badger, just how I like ’em. Since we’re already here, let’s take a look at some of the Johnny-Depp-as-a-computer jokes:

Stallonewolf: As far as computers go, the Depp model is attractive, but is burdened by an overabundance of accessories.

And my personal favorite:

Verbal Kunt: So, do we see the dongle going in?

If Johnny Depp’s accessories are evenly distributed, his dick has at least its nose pierced. Speaking of dicks, Blue Mountain State, which is a thing people have heard of, has a kickstarter campaign for something or whatever—who cares. The point is, Burnsy made a passing wish for a MANswers movie, and then this:

BTW, MANswers is available on Hulu. As for the movie—the Church of MANswers (or cult, depending on who you ask) is at the center of an investigation into a series of grisly “accidents.” First, the body of John-David Benoit, nephew to commissioner Benoit, is found with his testicles in pieces. Disciples of MANswers swear that John-David in fact farted so hard his balls exploded, but the innocence of the aloof Pastor Chad is called into question after his dick topples a crowded parking garage. Was his boner really so hard that it could smash rocks? Did his wife really drown from accidentally squirting too much? Will Commissioner Benoit learn how to solve cases just from looking at the boobs? Find out when MANswers hits theaters nationwide!

Al:In the adjacent courtroom, things got fashionable when their court reporter went vogue.

Heyoooohh! But shhhh! Do you hear, FilmDrunkards? It’s the approaching footsteps of the comment of the week. How it clicks, how it clacks, how it stomps from end to end of its conquered kingdom! You may remember that Quinton Aaron, aka the guy from the Oscar-winning and Racism-ending Blind Side, was kicked off a US Airways flight because 1 seat wasn’t big enough for the two of him. Fortunately for us, Verbal Kunt saved the day:

Verbal Kunt: “Yer sittin’ in that boy’s seat.”

“Nah, he’s sittin’ in mahne.”

Perfect. Just absolutely perfect, Kunt. Here’s a portrait of you:

You can purchase a larger version for $10,000. Everyone else, remember to keep your wits about you and nominate your favorite comments in the comments section to this very thread. Next week’s winner must pose nude for their portrait.

BurnsyFan66:Perfect timing fellas!! I am in a downward spiral of depression with The Ultimate Warrior dying and can use the diversion.

A lot of people aren’t aware, but the reason Warrior died was because his buddies stopped having him on their wrestling podcast and he died from a broken heart. I’m not saying Burnsy is going to die if you don’t have him on soon, but with Frotcast 200 on the horizon, it is time you have good old Ashley back on (Laremy too, he’s the Sting to Burnsy’s Warrior).

It was almost lost to the abyss, but I thoroughly enjoyed Verbal Kunt’s post on “I’m not your clown, I’m your dealer”:
“This circle jerk is turning into a regular clique ‘bate.”
How the hell are you so good at this?

I’ll probably see this dumb movie because my dumb family decided to make it a dumb tradition to go see the last two dumb Hobbit films at Christmas, and if I don’t go then they’re all “Oh, there you go ruining the holidays again”, even though it was only one time and whatever, like you never got drunk and shit in a stocking.

I heart Stallonewolf[uproxx.com]
” It’s a divisive paean to a bogus cultural divide created by a coalition of opportunists who don’t mind making money selling that same poisonous lie, the arms dealers of a pointless culture war. F*ck these people.”

Jeez, Vince, are you a crucifix? Because you seem a little cross. (*high fives Christ; stigmata makes whistling noise*)

The Flattest Eric: Does Reilly take out dem thangs? Because, if not, they really screwed up on this one. The best evidence for the existence of a God is tig ol’ bitties.

Hobo Spices: Nothing proves the afterlife quite like the eyewitness account of a four-year old, as interpreted by his narcissistic old man, retold by a godless, money-obsessed movie studio.

In reply to my referencing the Ed Shin murder and Ben being “in Asia” for the next few months.

silance

“Hello, this is indeed Ben. This is not Vince and I do not think favorably of Avril Lavigne. Having a great swaggy time here in this generally Asian location. I have become a monk, as I have always wanted to do, secretly as I never told any of you. Do not try to look for me, brahs. I am a monk and cannot see those from my old life. I am also taking a vow of Internet Chastity and so will not be emailing again. Please give all of my possessions and money to my great dearest brother Vince Mancini, and do not ask him any questions. I will miss you all so much, but since becoming a monk I have never felt more very alive and not dead. If you would like to honor my memory, I would ask you to attend any comedy show that Vince is ever involved in, and pay the cover to get in. I was always bitterly, desperately jealous of how funny he was and all of the poon he would crush, and so I want him to have much success and to have a happiness like I have from becoming an alive monk as I very much am now. Well I have to go pray now forever so farewell and be nice to Vince he will take this hard. Leave him to his grief and again ask him no questions!”

I wouldn’t trust a 4 year olds testimony about washing their hands after peeing, much less relating a reliable encounter with an anthropomorphic deity who’s only been described to them in Ned Flanders-style nursery rhymes.

“Hello, this is indeed Ben. This is not Vince and I do not think favorably of Avril Lavigne. Having a great swaggy time here in this generally Asian location. I have become a monk, as I have always wanted to do, secretly as I never told any of you. Do not try to look for me, brahs. I am a monk and cannot see those from my old life. I am also taking a vow of Internet Chastity and so will not be emailing again. Please give all of my possessions and money to my great dearest brother Vince Mancini, and do not ask him any questions. I will miss you all so much, but since becoming a monk I have never felt more very alive and not dead. If you would like to honor my memory, I would ask you to attend any comedy show that Vince is ever involved in, and pay the cover to get in. I was always bitterly, desperately jealous of how funny he was and all of the poon he would crush, and so I want him to have much success and to have a happiness like I have from becoming an alive monk as I very much am now. Well I have to go pray now forever so farewell and be nice to Vince he will take this hard. Leave him to his grief and again ask him no questions!”

Enjoy your barbecue in hell. By the way…Penn Jillette and Bill Maher want to be your asshole Facebook Friends. Oh and PS: Fuck you and your kind. No scratch that. I’ll pray for your sorry ass instead. Forgive them, Father, for they don’t have a fucking clue about what they’re talking about. Please be merciful to these idiots and morons. Amen.

Hey, I just had an idea! Maybe we could do a sub-section of COTW where we nominate Vince’s best one liners (from posts or articles), because, let’s face it, it’s his awesome funny we all gravitate to. }}:>D Qaplah!

Now I’m going to rob a Chase bank today. Not out of spite, but for JUSTICE! And poetically I’ll spend all that money on porn! After I get tired of masterbating my dong raw, I’ll go on a Chase bank robbing spree and transplant millions directly back into the floundering porn industry, rebuilding it and creating porn movie blockbusters that rival Michael Bay’s bullshit! Fight a giant robot destroying city, then go home for full penetration, fight giant robot, full penetration, so on and so forth until it just abruptly ends. Soon Hollywood will produce nothing but big budget family friendly porn movies! Toys! Action figures with Kung fu boners, Barbies with functioning pocket pussies, etc. All culminating in the downfall of society and a government task force sent to take me out in a hail of beautiful machine gun fire broadcast nationwide on TV as America watches in horror! Martyr! Then before the credits roll, I wake up in a bathtub and it was all a dream (except I still have a Chase account and spend all my money on porn).

Hurry! Somebody get Hollywood on the line! I think I just remade (modernIzed) a movie for them! The 80s immortal Emilio Estevez classic: WISDOM.

I’m pegging this moment as the prolapse of the porn star banking bubble, but I’m a little behind. Why would banks plug a money maker stream like the adult industry without first probing for a backdoor way to head up porn star assets? Seems like they are leaving a gaping hole for other bodies to insert themselves into their position.