2003 - Some guy walks into his wasted buddy's room early in the morning to point out that the clock reads "01/02/03, 04:05:06." He is abruptly beaten with an old Sega Genesis controller, finally giving the C button a use

2015 - Former fourteenth President and model train enthusiast Franklin Pierce rises from the dead to whine, bitch, and moan about no monument being erected for him for keeping the Union whole before "Buchanan fucked it up".

2009 - Lethal Weapon 5 is released to the public, in which Riggs blows up random stuff in the name of God and a deceased Murtaugh rises from the grave to confirm that he is, conclusively, too old for this shit

450,000,000,000 BC - "Earfh" is created, but is quickly destroyed and replaced with the current Earth as simply correcting the typo on the planning form requires two months notice. Dinosaurs die as a result

1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel

2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters.

1778 - James Cook is the first known European to discover the "Sandwich Islands", which are later renamed the "Tuna Sandwich Islands", then "Tuna Sandwich with Chips Islands", "Tuna Sandwich with Chips and a Drink (no ice) Islands", and "Japan's Target Islands" before they eventually became the "Hawaiian Islands".

1970 - Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography is convened to look into social effects of porn. After six straight weeks of reviewing pornographic materials, the members of the commission say they have come to no conclusions, and ask for six more months to study the issue.

1982 - DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, begins research into a network that will allow porn to be transmitted even in the event of a nuclear attack. This network, ARPANET, is the precursor of the internet.

1937 - The 20th Amendment is passed, forcing all presidental candidates to compete in a 100-meter dash to decide the primaries. Surprisingly, Franklin D. Roosevelt is the first president to win this event.

3457 BC - Zeus gets it on with his wife/sister, Hera. He has Orpheus invent the banjo to provide some mood music for their wedding night. Unfortunately, the song he creates for that special occasion is later used in the film Deliverance.

700 - Zeus commands the French to worship him. When they refuse, he curses them with garlic and an irrational fear of washing.

1879 - Zeus smites the prototype caboose to advert unflattering poetry. Unfortunately, it is reinvented three days latter.

1901 - The popular phrase "I dont give a fuck" is used for the first time by John Keats when he found out that the toothpaste he was using was actually his shaving cream.

1959 - Under the pen name Dr. Zeuss, Zeus begins to write children's literature. His first book is "Hop on MILF", in which a Greek god transforms into various animals in order to make out with human women.

1974 - Zeus curses John Boorman for using his wedding-night song in Deliverance. When Boorman's next film, Zardoz, flops, Zeus simply laughs.

2002 - Zeus decides he doesn't like George W. Bush and decides to strike him down, but can't find any lightning bolts. Instead he sends him a cursed pretzel.

2010 - A Greek man charged with sodomisticrape of an Iranian woman is found not guilty in celebration of the verdict being read on this holiday.

1313 - The Pope and King Charlemagne lead the first celebration of this holiday.

1776 - Thomas Jefferson, suffering from writers' block, brings his pet negro Toby to work. Jeffy wakes up later in the day from a nap to discover that Toby had finished writing the remaining 96% of the Declaration of Independence. Jeffy promptly whipped Toby and submitted the Declaration to the Continental Congress the next day.

1268 - A battle of epic proportions occurs. The bad guys lose and the Half-good guys win. Our heroes from the future find themselves trapped in this age of rape and plundering, and just as they are to be executed for public fornication, the funky professor back in the future figures out a way to save them, and bring them back.