The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.

Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.

If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.

“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”