Jokes

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

A large group of French soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Soldier is better than ten Frenchmen!"

The French commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Soldier is better than one hundred Frenchmen!"

Furious, the French commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Soldier is better than one thousand Frenchmen!"

The enraged French Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded French fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"

A large group of French soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Soldier is better than ten Frenchmen!"

The French commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Soldier is better than one hundred Frenchmen!"

Furious, the French commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Soldier is better than one thousand Frenchmen!"

The enraged French Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded French fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"

Click to expand...

Back in the day when there had been student riots in Paris it was said Frenchmen were shocked to hear that men had been fighting in the streets of France, strange that, they managed to get through two world wars without that happening!

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes
rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell.
Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer
on the staff and I'm keeping him!"

Mary had a little dress with splits right up the sides,
and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another dress with splits right up the front...
but she didn't wear that one very often

It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group, but I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Okay... So I like dressing-up in ladies clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular penchant for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but group sex with dwarfs, midgets, and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter... And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local park wearing my wife’s underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...

It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group, but I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Okay... So I like dressing-up in ladies clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular penchant for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but group sex with dwarfs, midgets, and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter... And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local park wearing my wife’s underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...

Oh shit! Wrong group!

Please ignore all of the above...

Click to expand...

Thought you’d decided to ‘come out’ there Chas, till I got to the retraction at the end...

I Don’t normally make a habit of speaking to women I see in bars but on this one occasion I was chatting to this very attractive woman in the Pub one evening, she told me her name was Tina and that she was a sergeant in the police force.
A few drinks later Tina invited me back to her place to listen to her large collection of CDs, after spending several hours listening to some great music I fell asleep.
The next morning when I awoke she was busy in the kitchen doing me eggs, bacon, sausages and beans, I don’t eat a fried breakfast, so I called out to her,
.
“Don’t fry for me Sergeant Tina”.