Ashton Kutcher debuts on ‘Two and a Half Men’ – Some quick thoughts

Monday (September 19) night marked the long-awaited debut of Ashton Kutcher’s Penis as the new co-star of CBS’ “Two and a Half Men.”

The long-running CBS hit comedy returned to start its eighth season with its first new episode since February. Everybody, of course, knows why “Two and a Half Men” has been absent and if you somehow missed the Charlie Sheen news, the premiere spent a solid 15 minutes urinating on the memory of poor, departed Charlie Harper just in case.

I have, at most, been a sporadic “Two and a Half Men” viewer over the years, only catching it on airplanes or when I accidentally left the TV on from an earlier program, but this auspicious changing-of-the-guard — appropriate terminology since viewers, like Buckingham Palace Queen’s Guard, probably didn’t laugh — was a fine cause to peek back in.

Some quick thoughts on the season premiere of “Two and a Half Men” after the break…

He helped make them rich, but Charlie Sheen apparently didn’t have any friends in the “Two and a Half Men” writers’ room.

There were many ways Charlie Harper could have been written off of the show, but the “Men” writers took the approach that left the character with the least dignity possible.

The episode began, as TMZ had already spoiled for us, with Charlie’s funeral, attended by an assortment of variably familiar (probably all familiar to fans) ex-girlfriends.

As Alan (Jon Cryer) attempted to maintain order and dignity, the exes lamented the graphic sexually transmitted diseases Charlie gave them and his various sexual fetishes, allowing us to celebrate genital warts and brewing Missi Pyle’s underwear like tea.

Then, finally, Melanie Lynskey’s Rose got up to tell the story of Charlie’s death and you knew it was going to be a solemn and respectful demise, right? Short version? Charlie and Rose ran off to Paris and were going to get married. She caught him in the shower with another woman. She pushed him in front of a moving Metro car.

“I want you to know that Charlie didn’t suffer. His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat,” Rose said.

Excellent.

The funny and predictable thing is that Charlie Sheen and Charlie Harper became roughly indistinguishable so long ago that it didn’t even feel like the writers were directly referencing anything about Sheen in this vicious and lengthy takedown of Harper. And Charlie Harper’s funeral felt exactly like Charlie Harper’s funeral probably would have felt under any circumstances, whether Sheen’s departure had been entirely amicable or motivated by a Sheen-based tragedy.

What felt gratuitous wasn’t the scurrilous and puerile nature of the funeral proceedings. That’s “Two and a Half Men” and if you expected a reflective meditation on Charlie’s passing, rather than chlamydia jokes and multiple punchlines courtesy of Jake’s flatulence, your expectations were based on a different show reacting to the exit of a different leading man. “Two and a Half Men” was truthful both to its nature and to the nature of Sheen’s implosion.

But good gracious, did the bitterness need to go on for so long?

The funeral, which was barely amusing to begin with, extended back to the beach house and the discovery that although Charlie had left the place to Alan, Evelyn was still trying to sell it, because Charlie had three mortgages and a ton of debt.

John Stamos got huge applause for his surprise cameo, which culminated with the revelation that Charlie Harper had sex with either John Stamos or Uncle Jesse. I’m not sure which.

Then Chuck Lorre trotted out old pals Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson in their Dharma and Greg guises to look at the house and ultimately bicker. I’m pretty confident that this was a good representation of what Dharma and Greg would actually have been like if she’d stayed together for another decade. Hotch would have been called in to investigate Greg long enough, I fear. That Greg had issues.

[The Dharma and Greg cameo was the only part of the episode which, for me, was worth the amount of secrecy CBS invested in this episode.]

We were half-way through the episode and wallowing deeply in bitterness before Ashton Kutcher’s Penis even made his first appearance arriving in a hail of cremains (delivered by Joel “Fred Rumsen” Murray), which were then DustBusted up to be desecrated another day.

Kutcher’s Penis arrived drenched from a suicide attempt that was truncated because the water was too cold (“I had no idea the water would be that cold. I suppose I could have worn a wet suit, but who tries to commit suicide in a wet suit?”). Cause of the suicide attempt? Deep love for his wife Bridget, who left him.

It certainly wasn’t poverty, since Ashton Kutcher’s Penis — called “Walden Schmidt” on the show — is worth 1.3 billion dollars, stemming from selling something or other to Microsoft stemming from the Zune. Yes, a Zune punchline. And if you don’t have a clue what a Zune is, The CW would tell you to Bing it.

We also know Walden Schmidt isn’t plagued by physical inadequacy, because within minutes he stripped and Alan was forced to gush, “1.3 billion dollars and he’s hung like an elephant.”

[I’m assuming that somebody in the “Two and a Half Men” writers’ room thought that this was a funny transfer of power from one dick to another? Or else it was just a contract stipulation on Kutcher’s part.]

From that point on, Ashton Kutcher’s Penis was the basis for at least four different jokes, while Ashton Kutcher’s Testicles received one punchline apiece. When you’re dealing with fertile terrain like that, you hardly need any additional sources for humor. And none were presented. Walden Schmidt has a threesome with two women he meets at the bar and decides he wants to buy the house, which is fine by Berta and Judith, who are both impressed by Ashton Kutcher’s Penis.

The episode ended with a “To be continued…” Presumably the second part of this episode will explain why, after purchasing the beach house, Walden Schmidt would ever want to or need to see Alan again. Presumably it will also establish the dynamic between Walden and the other characters, unless that dynamic will just continue to be “Rich Guy/ Person Impressed By Rich Guy’s Penis.” Walden brought out exactly the same trademark whininess from Alan that Charlie used to, so that’s a natural, but unless Angus T. Jones is about to fart his way off the show (he isn’t), the continuation will have to be heavily invested in giving Walden and Jake reasons for interaction. I don’t think any real hints were given in this episode regarding what grand revelations are in store.

Was the “Butterfly Effect” star attached to Ashton Kutcher’s Penis all that funny in this episode? Well, no. I laughed at a couple of his line-readings — Ashton Kutcher has always been a fine traditional sitcom star — but after the funeral took more than half of the episode, there wasn’t any time to introduce his whole character beyond one signature appendage.

The choice was made that decimating all remaining traces of Charlie Harper was more important than thoroughly introducing the new guy and giving viewers the chance to see how he might fit in and how the overall flow of the show would be impacted by Sheen’s absence. I understand that as a temptation, but to this viewer it felt kinda selfish and not in the best interest in the show as a whole.

But oh well. Maybe next week?

What’d you think of the way “Two and a Half Men” handled Charlie Sheen’s departure and Ashton Kutcher’s arrival? If you’re a regular viewer, will you be back next week? And if you just checked in to see what Kutcher would be like, will you be back?

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I’m not a regular viewer at all. I’ve seen maybe only the Mia season and probably not completely. Anyways, I thought it was ok once Ashton Kutcher showed up….the funeral was annoying and just a reason to trash Charlie.

I thought the Walden Schimdt character wasn’t given enough time to make much of an impression, so like you said next week, but for the little he did, he wasn’t particularly bad. Probably not gonna start watching now, but I’m not a regular or a Nielsen box owner…anyways the 2nd week ratings will tell more about its future.

By: matt

09.20.2011 @ 4:00 AM

F cbs I hope sheens roast got better ratings I didn’t even bother watching the new show

By: dan

09.20.2011 @ 4:14 AM

It won’t.

By: gleapman

09.20.2011 @ 4:08 AM

Marginal at best. Mostly predictable. (Pretty much a repeat of Charlie’s ‘imagined’ funeral in an episode a few seasons back.) One or two chuckles at best; no laughs, nothing clever. Totally squandered the Dharma/Greg cameo…completely unfunny. I was hoping they would make it work just to stick it to Sheen (what a complete jerk), but it looks like Sheen will have the last laugh. Too bad.

By: laurence2174

09.20.2011 @ 6:37 AM

Nothing clever? On Two and a Half Men? THE SKY IS FALLINGGGGGGGG

By: War Chief Shake Zula

09.20.2011 @ 4:14 AM

I might be back for now simply because the four shows I tried and/or watched in the timeslot last year (The Event, The Cape, Lie to Me and The Chicago Code) all got canceled. When I’m actually home from night classes before 9 pm, that is…

By: floretbroccoli

09.20.2011 @ 4:15 AM

Melanie Lynskey guested on this show, right after Jimmi Simpson was on HIMYM. Did CBS buy the whole family?

By: mikerwilson

09.20.2011 @ 4:24 AM

Never been a regular viewer and actually have actively loathed the show every time I’ve seen it, but I decided to tune in anyway and was disappointed in myself for doing so. The Dharma/Greg cameo was kind of neat, but the rest of it fell flat. I forgot how much I absolutely hate the laugh track/live studio audience with all the cheering and whatnot. It just makes me think of all of the single camera comedies that parody the multi camera with their excessive cheering and whatnot…except this was real. Gross.

By: Amanda

09.20.2011 @ 4:33 AM

My husband and I have been true fans of two in a half men. we were so bummed when charlie sheen wasn’t on the show anymore. just got done watching the new premiere it was horrible, nothing funny about it, I will never watch it again. two in a half men show belongs to charlie sheen.It will never be the same its sad…

By: Billy D

09.20.2011 @ 5:52 AM

WTF. Atre the writers and producers on Crack! It was painful and dreadful to watch. How I miss the old days. Hey Charlie, I will be watching reruns late at night with a few beers. RIP Charlie I miss you already.

By: m

09.20.2011 @ 1:31 PM

just got done watching the new premiere it was horrible, nothing funny about the show, IT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH THE SHOW, ashton cant act not funny at all, This is charlie sheens show….go home ashton..

By: HitFix User

09.21.2011 @ 12:02 PM

I suspect it will be exactly the same show — pitched at people who think dick jokes and leering misogyny are the height of wit. If that’s your cup of tea, go to.

By: Victorian Lady

09.20.2011 @ 6:55 AM

This was definitely the Charlie Harper funeral I was expecting. Why would this show have something respectful? When that episode aired about Charlie’s friend (Emilio Estevez) unexpectedly dying, did Charlie’s character seem broken up? Nope, he feared for his own welfare, in exactly a 2-1/2 Men way…

By: namelessguy

09.20.2011 @ 2:40 PM

Emilio Estevez was in the show for 5 minutes and Charlie Sheen was the show… i don’t care about personal staff problems… just make a good show or don’t make anything at all, yesterday premier was just sad, I feel deceived.

By: Victorian Lady

09.20.2011 @ 6:55 AM

This was definitely the Charlie Harper funeral I was expecting. Why would this show have something respectful? When that episode aired about Charlie’s friend (Emilio Estevez) unexpectedly dying, did Charlie’s character seem broken up? Nope, he feared for his own welfare, in exactly a 2-1/2 Men way.

By: mary

09.20.2011 @ 6:56 AM

The show was disturbing. C. Lorre used the show as a forum to get back at Charlie for his comments. Lorre should of had more respect for the shows fans.

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:31 PM

C. Lorre is a wimp and hides behind his writers that spend most of their time on their knees. The show now is just bad.

By: Tom

09.20.2011 @ 8:16 AM

You know what’s about as funny as Two and a Half Men? Referring to Ashton Kutcher’s Penis as the star of the show. Repeatedly.

By: briguyx

09.20.2011 @ 8:53 AM

Dan, I think you’re over analyzing things. The show made it clear that Walden believes Alan saved him and for that matter is a whiz with women and wants Alan to stick around, which means Jake will stick around. Since they all live in the same house, that explains why Walden and Jake would interact.

Personally, I thought the funeral stuff was pretty funny and didn’t really like Ashton’s character. But it gives the writers something new to do, instead of bringing in say John Stamos as a Charlie clone (which probably would have worked out better, even though he would have been compared to Charlie).

By: Mitchel

09.20.2011 @ 10:09 AM

Didnt like ashtons character either…..seens like hes playing the same character he did in that 70’s show

By: forg

09.20.2011 @ 9:24 AM

I admit I got pretty nostalgic when Dharma and Greg appeared. Not the best sitcom but those two really had great chemistry together

As for the episode itself, it was the 2.5 Men I expected. No more no less.

By: m

09.20.2011 @ 1:29 PM

just got done watching the new premiere it was horrible, nothing funny about the show, will NOT be watching anymore, WILL WATCH OLD RERUNS WITH CHARLIE SHEEN, this is and will always be charlie shenns show,, Ashton cant act not fun at all…

By: b

09.20.2011 @ 1:33 PM

it was horrible, ashton what a joke, Ashton cant act not funny at all, will not be watching the show, Charlie Sheen was the best…..

By: Reeb

09.20.2011 @ 4:20 PM

Charlie Sheen, don’t you have anything better to do than pay people to post comments about you?

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:36 PM

REEB you probably like the writers on their knees and writing crap. It was so pre”dick”table we all sat and knew what was going to happen before you did for sure.

By: Jack Scribe

09.20.2011 @ 1:46 PM

I was surprised at the homo-erotic tone used to set up the arrival of Ashton’s ‘Walden’ character. I’ll check in next week, but not enthusiastically.

By: Jack Scribe

09.20.2011 @ 1:48 PM

I was surprised at the homo-erotic tone used to set up the arrival of Ashton’s ‘Walden’ character. I’ll check in next week, but not too enthusiastically.

By: JedyKnight

09.20.2011 @ 2:27 PM

I was never the biggest fan of the show, but i would watch it if i was at home when it passed, and when i missed a couple of eps i would catch up on them.. it’s humour has always been crass, obvious and low-brow, but it was always very funny. (not watercooler funny, but well..).. i dont think i wont be payinng more attention to this version, that seems funny enough not to get cancelled inmediately, but it doesnt seem it will get as funny as it was before. now, the show was frequently based on making fun of Charlie and his lifestyle, so joking in his funeral would not seem out of place, but the jokes got very bitter very fast.. and not one of his girlfriends seemed broken up by his death.. at least Chelsea should have been, and she wasnt. This felt more like a mean spirity F-U from the writers to Sheen more than a profesional comedy script. The guest stars were cool, and Ashton half of the ep was not bad, but it was cleary not Charlie harper-fun

By: James

09.20.2011 @ 3:50 PM

This just proved to me why Modern Family won all its Emmy Awards!

By: Joe

09.20.2011 @ 4:45 PM

Well, I won’t put the show in the “winner” category but annoying,vindictive and bitter seem to sum up Lorre and CBS. Trash Charlie, but heaven forbid to stop the money making reruns.

By: Bree

09.20.2011 @ 7:27 PM

Why are people so offended with charlie’s funeral? you TaHM would do that to Charlie, it’s really a standard for the show, trash every character on the show! they have never said anything good about each other for the whole running of the series.
As of the episode itself I dunno, Ashton K is not my cup of tea, I didn’t like it so much but I’m going to give the show a chance, you know it’s really difficult to continue with a show when the main character acts like a douche for a whole year, people who continue to say the show is not the same without Charlie S well would you like to continue working with someone so erratic? that has been talking about you all over the press? calling you names and not caring at all for the other cast? c’mon you can’t justify that attitude!!.
I just thought of Threes Company when actors lose track of what’s really important, committing to the integrity of the show and really caring for their fans and what’s best for the show, but greed gets in their way…

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:40 PM

Yes he acted like his character and that brought in more viewers that made everyone more money. That is part of his job to get the show on the news. So what he went over board not like other actors or musicians did not have some fun in their time off.

By: bree

09.20.2011 @ 7:28 PM

Why are people so offended with charlie’s funeral? you TaHM would do that to Charlie, it’s really a standard for the show, trash every character on the show! they have never said anything good about each other for the whole running of the series.
As of the episode itself I dunno, Ashton K is not my cup of tea, I didn’t like it so much but I’m going to give the show a chance, you know it’s really difficult to continue with a show when the main character acts like a douche for a whole year, people who continue to say the show is not the same without Charlie S well would you like to continue working with someone so erratic? that has been talking about you all over the press? calling you names and not caring at all for the other cast? c’mon you can’t justify that attitude!!.
I just thought of Threes Company when actors lose track of what’s really important, committing to the integrity of the show and really caring for their fans and what’s best for the show, but greed gets in their way…

By: Brownie

09.21.2011 @ 2:50 PM

well said

By: Brownie

09.21.2011 @ 2:54 PM

well said Bree

By: bad comedy hater

09.21.2011 @ 3:23 PM

People wwere offended by the funeral because it was insulting to people who liked Sheen’s character, and disappointed Lorre took his contempt for an actor out on the actor’s character.

Nobody likes spiteful, immature creeps.

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:43 PM

Not well said Bree. Just crap, you should be a writer for a kids show. This show was for adults that liked his character and the way he partied.

By: Bree

09.22.2011 @ 1:00 AM

Yep, nobody likes that. I didn’t like Charlie Sheen’s behavior either.
But really what was so bad about the people saying about charlie harper?, we all knew he was a really bad person who only cared about getting laid without consequences and booze. I’ve watched the show on reruns and I don’t consider myself a die hard fan but I practically watch it everyday when I’m at the computer so everything they said about Charlie H sounded like something they would do, in good or bad terms. Watching old episodes you know how bad people they were! I just watched the one where Allan can’t sleep because Charlie lives a consequence-free life and at the end he’s happy the police chase him around the beach. I could continue but I’ll be too nerd :S

By: Bree

09.22.2011 @ 1:11 AM

I’m not even saying I looooooove the show without Charlie S but things got really complicated, everything was a news disaster and I’m just saying I’ll give it a chance.
When I was watching it I said to my husband “wow it feels weird” but what are they going to do? hire back Charlie S and wait for another explosion and leave all the cast and crew hanging in the air? it’s not just about Charlie, there are lot of people involved who deserve a job. And Duckie!!!! poor thing, he came back and had a successful show and now this, I don’t know Charlie S was really all about himself, it’s not fair. :(

By: troopermsu

09.21.2011 @ 7:19 AM

From day 1 this has been a truly awful show. Why are you people still watching it????

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:49 PM

Why do you care if you hate the show. Many people love the old show. If it is not for you watch some kids shows this one is for adults.

By: HitFix User

09.21.2011 @ 11:59 AM

So, basically, it’s the same mean-spirited, unfunny misogynistic crap shack with a new resident? Pass.

By: 21/2mennewfan

09.21.2011 @ 1:45 PM

Give it a chance!

By: Brownie

09.21.2011 @ 2:48 PM

Finally, I agree, give it a chance. Charlie Sheen had his chance, he’s not the only comedic actor out there. I thought the show rocked, and I didn’t waste one second on the Charlie Sheen Roast….he’s not “all that” people!!!! It’s called entertainment for a reason, you like it you watch it…you don’t like, you don’t watch it.

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:52 PM

Brownie I liked the main character that the show was all about AKA Charlie. His roast was amazing and funny. The total opposite to the new two and a half men.

By: a

09.21.2011 @ 2:46 PM

We found it so bad we clicked to Charlie’s roast, got many more laughs there! The only thing I thought might be a thread to hang on to , is that Rose lies, maybe this was her biggest and Charlie can come back??? No show without him, from our perspective.

By: Bad comedy hater

09.21.2011 @ 3:17 PM

Not a big fan, but got a few chuckles out of it with Sheen as teh star. The show last night was abysmal. Is Lorre to stupid to realize trashing Sheen’s character is not teh same as trashing Sheen?

Anyway because so much of the humour was based around Sheen’s character, there seemed to be a huge void, and teh writers struggled to find humour written around the supporting cast and Kutcher.

As for the much appreciated ‘Darhma and Greg’ cameo, I didn’t even know who they were.

Not the greatest show to begin with, but now it isn’t even worth watching. I imagine it will be cancelled soon.Write a comment…

By: Stang

09.21.2011 @ 3:21 PM

The show is dead. Ashton Kutcher has never been laughable funny. Always stupid low key somewhat funny. What was the creator of the show thinking fireing Sheen. Sometimes you have to admit when you are wrong no matter who yo are. My days of following the show are over and I have not heard one person say anything positive about the first episode.

By: Baz

09.21.2011 @ 7:11 PM

It was so pre”dick”table I could only laugh at how bad we all found it. It was real bad and should be put to rest in front of a moving train. The writers for this show have gone to writing on their knees to please people that have no life and will watch anything with a dick joke. What a waste of some use to be talented actors. Jump ship fast before it takes you down to the level of the writers. Blame the writers and the dumb guy that has no dick that fired Charlie.

By: vicky

09.21.2011 @ 10:21 PM

I am glad the name is changing to Men because it’s a whole new show.
Charlie seems to have left his trade mark in corrupting both his brother and his nephew and now kutcher who was corrupted by his old wife in real life, is added to the mix.
You can never cut out sheen from this show even in death and unless these men become saints… it will go from bad to worse in a Dorian Gray fashion and lose its funniness.The mother acted cold and calculating and I don’t know why people laughed. It wasn’t funny. the family is pretty sad actually.

By: burpee

09.21.2011 @ 10:39 PM

Dumb, stupid, childish. I guess you don’t have to act when you can take your clothes off on TV. The entire show was disgusting. Can’t people write and act anymore without resorting to blatant sexual hogwash. I don’t need to turn on my TV to hear some jerk talk about masturbating.

By: HitFix User

09.22.2011 @ 1:05 AM

First time I’ve ever watched this show, out of sheer morbid curiosity, and I won’t be back. The writing was predictable, childish, and lazy. Mr. Fienberg, I laughed much harder at your line: “And if you don’t have a clue what a Zune is, The CW would tell you to Bing it” than I did at anything the writers of the show gave us. Well done, sir.

By: Bree

09.22.2011 @ 4:19 AM

Hey, look what I read until today:
CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #109

The Two and a Half Men Pledge

We assume an intelligent audience holding remote controls. The only laughter you will hear is the laughter of real people. We will do no “very special” episodes. Nobody’s having a baby. No one’s getting married. Someone is getting divorced. Our characters are flawed, yet smart. The kid is, and will remain, a real kid. There will be no bachelor auctions. No one’s getting stranded in a cabin or stuck in an elevator. There will be no dream sequences, talent shows, or fantasies…. at least in the first season. Ditto for homages to “Rashomon”, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and “A Christmas Carol”. A car horn or other random noise will never be used to cleverly disguise naughty words. We will never have a character enter a scene if it reminds us of Lenny and Squiggy. Pop culture reference jokes are cheap, easy and date the show. We will not do them. There will be no pedantic, socially conscious stories. No matter how poignant the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going, “ahhh”. Similarly, no matter how titillating the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going “wooo!”. If we see ‘it’ coming we assume you see ‘it’ coming and we will therefore do our utmost to avoid ‘it’. No fat jokes (unless they’re really, really funny). The same goes for penis jokes. And finally, unless Chuck gets hit by a bus and Lee takes over, there will be no wacky scenes with little people or night-vision goggles.

If you don’t want to read all of it, read this:
“No fat jokes (unless they’re really, really funny). The same goes for penis jokes.”

I guess they forgot about that pledge!

By: HitFix User

09.29.2011 @ 8:57 PM

I’m a huge fan but… it SUCKED.

By: apaulo30

11.22.2012 @ 1:08 AM

Ashton Cuntcher is a ego maniac who thinks every beautiful woman wants his ugly penis. He thinks he’s such a stud that only half a dozen women at a time can handle his manhood. They should call it Two and a half cocks…the half being Cuntcher!

By: Emily

02.20.2015 @ 11:26 AM

Charlie Sheen is the only actor who can pull off the role of Charlie Harper. I can’t stand to watch Ashton Kucher in 2 1/2 men. I used to watch the show every night and enjoy MANY belly laughs. I watched last night with Kucher in the role and didn’t laugh even once. I will not be watching any more episodes. Too bad. I, for one, will be grieving for the demise of Charlie Sheen from the show.