Earlier this month scientists at the Institute of Douche
bag Research unveiled disturbing evidence that proves "Wilson Farms
is a breading ground for douche bags." The I.D.R. study defines
the douche bag as " A species of uptight parasites with a penchant
for bad sandwiches, malt liquor, lottery tickets, conservatism and buggery,
who will, in the proper environmental conditions completely take over
an entire ecosystem." The douche bag species finds its origin in
the Netherlands laboratories of the Ahold corporation (parent company
of Wilson Farms and Tops Markets L.L.C.) which is known to employ nazi
geneticists. According to the I.D.R "Once the douche bag parasite
has entered a Wilson Farms employee, possibly at orientation, that person
effectively becomes a walking, talking douche bag."
At first the I.D.R limited the phenomenon to cashiers, yet as more data
became available, " It became all too clear that Wilson Farms is
swarming with douche bags, from middle management all the way up."
The study relies heavily on first hand accounts of ex-employees like
Shivon Johnson who claim "The manager was always looking at me
weird and saying stuff like he was gonna steal my essence. And I was
like oh no you didn't! And he said "SLEEP", like real loud
and when I woke up I smelled really weird, and he was gone. Three days
later I gave birth to a douche bag" Scientists have been unable
to explain exactly how this came to be saying "Frankly, we are
all baffled but the evidence speaks for itself." The Institute's
most recent article published in Scientific American warns that the
douche bag epidemic may be infectious and that "Customers are not
immune." Wilson Farms has disregarded the Institute's findings
claiming that "We are not, nor have we ever been douchebags- we
have never been anything but fucking pricks."

Starbucks
Coffee has lately come under fire from the animal rights group People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for what the activist group
has dubbed "Some of the most abhorrent and unconscionable abuses
of animals rights ever witnessed." The group asserts that Starbucks
uses animals in every capacity imaginable, "from powering bean
grinders to testing coffee temperature in order to cut costs and increase
revenue." "Most of these animals are people's pets, children's
pets, stolen from backyards all across America," asserts PETA spokesman
Mark Wolfeshiem. PETA has rescued scores of traumatized and caffeine-addicted
animals from hundreds of Starbucks worldwide. The group claims it "will
not stop pressuring Starbucks to end its ring of animal slave labor."
"The allegations come as no surprise to anyone who has ever worked
for Starbucks, and has seen for themselves how cruelly that company
operates," said a local Starbucks employee we interviewed, who
told us her name was "Susan." Susan went on to tell us that
"at the Starbucks I work at we have a team of sickly dogs that
run after a dangling bagel to work the generator, and a pig we pour
the coffee onto to see if it's too hot. At the end of the night, we
sweep the floor right into the vats of coffee. Its really gross."
Local health department officials seem to have turned a blind eye to
the company's practices. Starbucks has released a very brief statement
to the media which states, "we at Starbucks are proud of our ingenuity,
and by cutting costs however we can, we pass the savings on to our customers."
During the next fiscal quarter, Starbucks plans to lower the price of
coffee to $6 a cup.