New signing for Arsenal? You’re having a laugh.

By Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw. Head of Translation Services, University of the North Circular Road.

I’m starting to think that the blogs and newspapers that specialise in transfer gibberish (“gossip” seems too upmarket a word) are actually vying with each other to see who can produce the greatest level of nonsense.

The only question is, are they laughing at their readers, or are they sharing the fun with readers who come along because they know it is all tripe? I still tend towards the former view, but the latter has some merit. Especially with a headline like this:

Arsenal set to sign up goal-scoring machine up as agreement in principle reached

Highly embarrassing for Tony as has has always said that Arsenal will not only not sign Balotelli but also won’t sign any other centre forward. We based that conclusion on a comparison of the achievements of Giroud with other centre forwards in their first two years.

So, laughing along with their devoted and dedicated readers, or cynically putting up a headline so that they can pick up a few more views and slip up the rankings a few more notches?

Meanwhile back on… well not quite planet Earth, but at least in this Galaxy…

Arsenal have been told transfer target Juan Quintero, 21, will only be allowed to leave Porto if the Colombian midfielder’s £32m release clause is activated.

That is in the Daily Excess. Sorry Express. Everyone else has him at around £16m

Actually that story resulted in a really lovely headline today.

Revealed: Are Arsenal signing Juan Quintero?

That was in “The Sports Campus” and I was rather left wondering how one could reveal a question. I suppose you can though. “Revealed: Is Tottenham a very silly team that keeps on failing to end up in the league above Arsenal?”

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No, on second, third and fourth thoughts, it doesn’t work for me. And even less so when the story begins, “According to the Metro…”

Meanwhile on a planet slightly closer to the real world, Nasty Tackle has this one…

“The Mirrorclaims that the 21-year-old is valued at £16 million and rated as one of the most promising players in Europe in his position.

“According to Colombian journalist Diego Rueda, Quintero will fly to London on Monday to discuss the possibility of a switch to the Gunners. “The possibility… is real,” he tweeted.

“The playmaker’s rise over the last two years has been rapid. Following a fruitful spell on loan at Pescara, he returned to Portugal last summer and produced a series of dominant displays that earned him a place in the Cafeteros squad for the World Cup.”

A;h the old Cafeteros. I love the way these writers through in a nickname every now and then, just to avoid saying the team name twice in the same paragraph.

But what exactly are the Cafeteros. My only languages are English, French and music, so I struggle with this, but from the little I know, cafeteros is the masculine plural of cafetero which is a coffee pot. So there we are. The old coffee pots.

From coffee pot to gunner – quite a journey..

Fortunately not everyone is fixated with nicknames as the bloggetters. Back in the Independent, Los Artilleros are “reportedly back in the driving seat to buy Sami Khedira from Real Madrid, with Bayern Munich hoping to sign the player -but only on a free transfer next season.”

Oh yes, we’re in.

“Reports in Spain suggest that Real are desperate to cash in the midfielder, who is in the final year of his contract, this summer rather than lose him for free to Bayern next year.

Wow! “Reports in España.”

This means it is true. Yes!!! Result!!!

El resultado! “Arsenal talks with the midfielder stalled earlier this summer because of his reported £150,000 per week wage demands after entering talks over a £24m deal.”

But now…

Yes now…

“Arsenal were ready to sign Marco Reus from Borussia Dortmund this summer, but his injury prevented a deal.

“Reus is being tipped to depart Dortmund after he rejected a contract extension this week, and the Gunners have been tipped to make a move.”

And now the Los Metro, have reported that respected Spanish journalist Kike Marin saying “Reus nearly joined another Premier League team [Los Artilleros] this summer, with Arsenal heavily linked. (vinculado)

Meanwhile, what we guessed might happen has happened. West Ham have signed Arsenal defender Carl Jenkinson (whose nickname is Schnitzel) on a season-long loan.

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Now here’s a thing. The names of football teams are now being presented as nicknames, and even some players in fact, (except Nic Bendtner whose name is Nic, and as far as I know still doesn’t have a club).

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Indeed the media changes the names of players and clubs (do you remember all the fuss when Ardiles signed for Tottenham and the press discovered that his nickname was “The Little Fella” – they went mad for days), I wonder why we don’t do something with ages.

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Jenkinson is “the 22-year-old”. Could we not have him as “Jenkinson – a man who has witnessed 286 full moons in his life…?”

“Jenkinson, who has won one England cap, played 22 games in all competitions for the Gunners last season.”

See – “Gunners”. They don’t even know that we are now Los Arty thing, whatever it was.

Actually did you know that originally the word “Gunners” in the days of Royal Arsenal, signified the supporters – most of whom were makers of artillery equipment, so it was logical. And it was only well into the 20th century that the word was used for the players. Long after that we fans found a new name for ourselves and become Gooners.

Its good to loan out some to avoid rusting on bench and wellcome new face but whoever that will come should be utility one not one direction player like some in arsenal team so that we have bettet out stand in the league this aeason.

I saw what was a new one time today don’t know if it’s old to you guys but ‘Arsenal are 100% keen on…’
I mean I was keen on a cuppa tea this morning but then u had coffee. I really don’t get how you can be 100% keen. Please help explain this to me.

Untold Arsenal is still number one despite the obvious AAAA prat trying to pull the wool over our readers eyes .
If you’re in doubt (and this is for the younglings) , he’s very much like Joey Barton – trying to get stuck in very early and attempting to divert and ‘free’kick the regulars ( yes, I’m talking about you , you awesome AKBs !),who general ignore him and deftly sidestep , but occassionally stomp him the nads !
And all the while he feigns innocence. The cunt !
Come on Billy , get your boot in him, too !

Gfromgirton,
Arsenal’s keen-o-meter is now reading 10/10 when it was used to scan William Calvalho’s name. Problem is, it read the same upon scanning Sami Khedira’s and Schneiderlin’s names. The keen-o-meter may soon take a new name, confused-o-meter.