I’M BACK!!! Can you believe it’s been almost two months since my last article? Yes, I fell off. Hard. There aren’t any justifiable excuses, but I’m finally going to get back to writing regularly because I missed the Xo community… and I want more Instagram followers.

While I’m itching to update you all on the little Christmas tree I just bought for my apartment (his name is Henry!), we need to cut the crap and talk about something serious.

Breathe… I finally got my hands on a pair of over-the-knee boots.

You can’t see me, but I’m vogue-ingacross my living room right now in excitement. One of my best friends works at Stuart Weitzman’s corporate office, and kindly gave me a pair of olive suede Lowland boots for my birthday. They are life. They are everything. BEHOLD!

I have lost the ability to even.

The Lowland is a flat version of the ever popular Highland boot, which creeps a bit further up the leg and has a sharp, sexy heel. Pay attention to street style blogs, and you’ll notice that every celebrity and their mother owns a pair of Highlands. You can spot them not only by their height, but also by the seamed panel and cute leather tie. These two boots illustrate the difference between “over-the-knee” and “thigh-high”, because in fashion we like to create separate categories for pieces that are essentially the same thing.

What makes these boots so wearable and easy to transition between day and night is the Lycra backed suede, which helps them to fit like a legging. I have skinny chicken calves (genetics), and have always held a paralyzing fear of my legs swimming around in unflattering, loose boots. Since these are made to essentially suction around your leg and can also tie just above the knee, my Lowlands look like they were custom made to fit me.

We spend so much time trying to squeeze into Spanx and body shapers that we forget how sexy thighs can be. I love showing a little bit of thigh with a jumpsuit or shorter dress. It’s almost sexier than the boobs I don’t have. Pretending my boots are pants will also save me a ton of money this winter, since they can be worn with dresses and jumpsuits from summer.

Now, don’t even try to tell me that Olivia Palermo, Ariana Grande, Beyoncé, or any of those other chippies started the thigh-high trend first. LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!

I called this one waaaay back in October last year, but never purchased a pair because, you know, money. Stuart Weitzman boots would never have graced my closet if it weren’t for a kind act of generosity.

Every trend trickles down into the mass market eventually. Multiple brands released their own version of a thigh-high boot for fall and winter of 2015, at much more affordable price tags. Steve Madden ripped off the Highland and Lowland with nearly identical copies at a fifth of the price. (But I mean, it’s Steve Madden and he makes a knock off of basically every designer shoe).

I’ve seen the grey shade of these boots in person and they’re beautiful, but do not fit as tightly on the leg as the original Stuart Weitzman version. That’s okay though, because they will probably fit more comfortably with pants, and on different body types.

Speaking of body types, no – you do not have to be skinny to wear these boots. Thicker legs also look really sexy with an over-the-knee boot, because you’re accenting the shape of your calf and drawing attention to the fullest part of your leg – aka the best part.

Thigh high boots (I mean the ones that are almost under your butt cheek) are proportioned to fit thinner body types, and a raised height will add more shape to a thin leg. In both cases, keep a balance of skin and loose fitting clothing to avoid straddling into thot territory. I mean, unless you’re a thot, in which case go ahead.

Do you guys think these boots are as hot as I do? They look incredible on everyone, and can take the simplest outfit up a notch.

If you already have a pair, I would love to see a pic of how you style them in the comments!

I don't get off of six-hour cross-country flights looking awesome — who does? — but I can passably walk into a business meeting without my stomach being covered in red lines from uncomfortable, crushing waistbands.