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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My First Love

It's been awhile since I have talked about my first love, Grady Beck.

As a child, I would crawl up into his life every chance I got or spoon next to him and fall asleep with my head on his chest. He would call me "sweetie pie" and give me that precious smile and all was right in my world.

Lately, my love for him has been all about how much my Papa loves my little boy Ryan. I love watching the two of them together. When we go visit Papa and he gets out of his bed to walk the 5 feet to his dresser in search of "change" for Ryan just in case Ryan might want something at the store. And while the money is always given in change, he is always giving him $5 to $15. Ryan thinks this is by far the greatest thing to happen to him. He loves this and I love watching the two of them together.

Back to my first love, no one warned me not to love too much or that one day I would be preparing myself to say goodbye. Nope, I was just allowed to fall hopelessly in love with my grandfather. I'm not sure if I ever wanted to marry him. You know, how at some point in your life you were going to marry your own mom or dad. Ryan went through this phase where he was going to marry me. Love like this is one of a kind. I think how crazy I am about him though was just preparing myself for how crazy I'd be about my husband. I am such a hopeless romantic at heart.

It's been almost 48 hours since I headed to Cartersville Medical Center to be by my grandfather's side. His battle took a turn for the worse and I'm wishing I was over on Tennessee Street watching my Papa sleep.

You see, he fell. Falling isn't new to us. It's something we have dealt with years but his normal injury is a fractured verterbrae. No, this injury isn't like this. This injury is life changing. He broke his hip when he fell. Actually, they think his hip may have just broke and then he when he got up he fell. The type injury it is cannot be pinned back together. And surgical option B is hip replacement and his doctor does not feel he is a candidate for this because he can't spend 4 months in recovery.

So my grandfather is at home with 24 hour care and hospice at his side. His pain level is out of control and he is some heavy duty medication to manage the pain. Bless his heart. He won't ever walk again. He won't ever be able to get out of bed by himself again and it will be weeks before he can get out of bed with some assistance which it is even far fetched for his future. He can't even raise up much because of the pain. When you move your body it is crazy how many movements involve your legs.

The act of kindness of him getting out of bed to find "change" for Ryan is now a memory. He is sleeping most of the time now and those talks I always held so precious are for now just a memory.
I wouldn't want to live in the condition that my Papa has found himself in but I thank God for giving us a "two minute warning". At least, I get to be by his side and I've seen him come out of other horrific circumstances so it's possible he will come out of this too. I was by his side yesterday for a while while he slept and moaned in pain and the desire to shake him until he woke up so I could make him call me "sweetie pie" was unreal. I finally left his side because actually doing that would have been quiet stupid.

I had begun to think that my Papa's health and gotten to a point where he would still be here in September. Hospice started coming in January and we had seen some great results and he was able to get out of bed with the help of his walker and do stuff! Man, cancer is such a horrible disease! I realize Lil Cupcake was never going to remember him but I thought I'd always have the memory of my first love holding my youngest. This my friends is enough to bring me to tears every single time I think about it!

At the age of 31, I have asked myself since it hurts so much should I have done something different so maybe the pain wouldn't be this bad? Absolutely, not.