With deeply held feelings on both sides, conversations about Minnesota's proposed marriage amendment can end quickly in anger, judgment or silence.

But a coalition of church groups is training Minnesotans to engage with those who hold differing views, not in an attempt to persuade but to understand.

The Minnesota Council of Churches, with financial support from the Bush Foundation, has launched a Respectful Conversations Project, modeled on the Public Conversations Project in Boston that got its start bringing people together to talk about abortion.

Already, the tone of the public conversation about the amendment -- which asks voters to add to the state's constitution a definition of marriage as the union of a man and woman -- is taking on a strident, us-versus-them quality, said Gail Anderson, director of unity and relationships with the council. It's likely to become increasingly bitter as Election Day approaches.

Too often, those engaged in the debate "have their point of view and they don't think the other point of view deserves respect," Anderson said. Keeping the conversation at that level will be "destructive for the entire state," she said.

Whatever happens on Nov. 6, "the next day we still have to live together in community," Anderson said, and Respectful Conversations is meant "to hold up the idea that there's a different way to do this."

The project aims to train hundreds of facilitators to engage 2,000 people in highly-structured conversations centered on the life experience and values that help form each person's point of view.

Advertisement

"Nobody actually said, 'I'm going to vote this way,' or, 'I'm going to vote that way,' " said Dan Lontkowski, who took part in one of the conversations this past week at St. Clement's Episcopal Church in St. Paul.

"This conversation forces you to start with where am I coming from, and what do I hope for, what do I fear, without ever coming to that point of I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that," he said.

"Ultimately, people can only be honest about where they come from. There's nothing that you can fight about. I think that's what forces the respect into the conversation," said Daniel Shoemake, who led one of the small groups at St. Clement's.

Lontkowski said the conversation rules -- things like speaking for oneself and not others, practicing respect, keeping comments brief -- encourage a "healthy alertness" in participants about the way they're talking.

"The kinds of things we do in normal, day-to-day conversation have implications and meaning and motives, and this process makes you think about those things," he said.

"The ground rules and the structure that we follow in this meeting is really kind of a covenant that allows people to feel safe in sharing their point of view. And that's different than how it might exist on talk radio, or how it might exist over the water cooler at work, or while you're out walking the dog or something," said Ron Brand, another group conversation leader at St. Clement's.

Rabbi Amy Eilberg, who led the recent Respectful Conversations session at St. Clement's, has used the technique with Jewish groups to talk about the Israel-Palestine conflict.

It's meant to approach topics that go to the root of people's identity with a posture of curiosity rather than debate, she said. But that doesn't mean it's a "Minnesota Nice" tiptoeing around the issue.

"This methodology is about fostering honesty," said Eilberg. "The point is to really have people express their views, but in a way that people can speak and be heard."

The council of churches hasn't taken a position on the marriage amendment, and the goal of its conversation project is not to change people's minds.

But even the groups that are trying to change minds say the best approach is to commit to listening and respect.

Grant Stevensen, faith director for Minnesotans United for All Families, the umbrella organization for groups that oppose the amendment, gives the example of sitting down with a man who voiced support for the amendment at a meeting Stevensen attended.

The man told Stevensen about the biblical understanding underlying his support for traditional marriage. Stevensen offered stories of friends of his who would be hurt by the amendment, which, he says, wound up persuading the man to vote no.

Minnesotans United is hoping to train 15,000 to 30,000 people to engage in a couple hundred thousand respectful conversations on the issue before Election Day, Stevensen said.

At Minnesota for Marriage, the main group promoting passage of the amendment, "we've always approached this respectfully," said spokesman Chuck Darrell.

The group sends out weekly "Marriage Minute" videos that often take a claim by amendment opponents and refute it civilly, Darrell said. It has the same goal with the "Myths and Facts" section of its website, he said.

As for the Minnesota Council of Churches, officials are hoping Respectful Conversations helps restore Minnesotans' faith in their ability to conduct civil public dialogue, regardless of which side they're on.

The ultimate goal, said Anderson, is "to make us better as a state, to convince us that we can do this. I think we've lost our optimism that we can work together to solve problems."