Thursday, May 25, 2006

Light Breaks Through

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a somewhat personal situation. I hesitated to do it for discretion’s sake, but felt really led of the Lord to put it out there as so much of what He is doing in me right now is in and through the vehicle of this situation. The post I am referring to is from May 15th, titled “Sense & Sensibilities”. Here is an excerpt:

Right now, I am in that painful and difficult spot. A few months ago, I met someone... someone different... someone that was almost instantly special to me...someone I began to hope might become my Edward or Mr. Darcy or Boaz. Like Elinor, I had no reason to set my mind on this as certainty...no promise...no declaration...no word from the Lord (except "Ask me. Trust me.)...only my heart, which I know is deceitful and treacherous. So, also like Elinor, I have had to keep the rising emotion in check, correct it, and apply God's truth, the only truth I know, to it. I don't doubt that, whatever the outcome, my response will be much like Elinor's. But I can also know that, whatever the outcome, there will be comfort, there will be peace, and though it is momentarily painful...the end it will explain. And the end...it will be wonderful.

This certainty of God’s faithfulness and goodness was what I was determined to set my mind and heart and hope on…but throughout the course of days and weeks and months, I know that is not what my mind and heart looked like. I am quite certain that at times, what I felt and thought and even said proclaimed “I don’t really trust God”. Sometimes it even felt like all around me was cloudy and stormy and dreary. I am thankful, however, that the Lord truly is faithful and good and always showed me the silliness and futility of such a condition…and then turned my eyes and thoughts and heart back toward Him.

Over the past month, the battle for the object of my hope has intensified…and those storm clouds threatened to become darker and more fierce. More and more I have felt the physical tugging and pulling back and forth. At times, I’ve felt weary for all the determining and repenting and willing to obey…and also from the frustration of seeing NO change in my circumstances. No word. No e-mail. No phone call. No glimmer of hope whatsoever.

That is…until today.

Today, a ray of light broke through the dreary clouds. After all this waiting and determining to keep my hands off and trust His way, His time…He gave me a wonderfully unexpected glimmer of hope via a phone call from the person mentioned in the excerpt up top. There were no declarations of love or expressions of feeling or anything like that…but it was contact when there had been none, it was the kind voice I’d been aching to hear again, and it was obvious that the person on the other end wanted to be talking to me at least half as much as I wanted to be talking to him. It was also answered prayer. And after I stopped shaking (about an hour and a half later), I lifted my head and tearfully thanked the Lord for His unmerited and extravagant kindness to me.

I have no doubt that more waiting and more periods of silence are in store for me. I know I need it. And I know that I will be equally grateful for those as I am for the ones that have just ended. I know, also, that this phone call would not have been quite so sweet were it not for all the waiting and longing or might never have come had I insisted on keeping my hands firmly around it.

Lord, thank you for causing me to wait for this…and through that, teaching me to wait not for circumstances but for You! Thank you for your faithfulness…for hope in You that never disappoints…and for growing my faith through denials and delays. You are a truly kind and good and merciful God!