- Captain Rab_1 suffered defeat at the hands of Commander Nobody at Sunscreen this past cycle. The apparent SPF of Sunscreen (Editor's note: Space Patrol Force, a fortunate literary coincidence) was enough to resist both the marauding HSF's of Rab_1 and a nasty sunburn.

Second Item: High Noon at Midday!
- A TAPS-heavy shoot-out took place at Midday this past tick, but the larger and more adroitly piloted saucers of Commander Balmbando won the battle for the heavily populated planet. It is thought that the industrious people and the TAPS shipyards are likely to have brought the predations of Commander Balmbando upon the planet, but in an exclusive statement to SoFNN, Balmbando said: "Actually, I just wanted to have lunch at Midday for once".

Third Item: Something Fishy Suspected!
- General Vrassassin suffered an unexpected defeat at Anchovy this past cycle, as his fleets were hooked and gutted by the defenses of the planet. While it is true that the denizens of the planet are physically powerful warriors (Editor's note: Um, they have huge mussels?), they've reported to us that they had never seen anything like this come down the pike, the way the attackers floundered. A spokesman for the planet told us: "Our victory was not a fluke, and anyone who says so is going to be whistling another tuna pretty soon. If that Vrassassin sends another fleet, we'll pound it flatter than a mackerel! In fact, how about we just place an order now for pizza with Vrassassin on it, and see how he likes it!!"

And now, a word from our sponsor: The Holy Order of Non-operative Hernia Management- "In God, we truss."