Theo Verelst Diary Page

Mon Oct 29 2001, 14:09 PM

I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts
and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that
these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be
redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior
consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple
reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because
they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications.
Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such
by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies,
but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without
changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that
may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I
could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement
on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect
the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a
thing. Lying, imagine that.

Sun Oct 28 2001, 1:00 AM

Last weekend without a real momentuous reason I felt like writing a 'bit'
about some subjects that may get a bit clear, and which I find quite essential.
Looking at national tv and cnn and listening and observing in various lets
say circuits, these things in my opinion have relevance at about the same
level as they had during lets say the various revolutions and writing of
consititutions and lets say serious after-war times, and I can't escape the
impression that the subjects call for string enough language and images to
get across that things must be different from what they often are made. For
real.

Four letter words and their meaning

There's a not so well known queen song on the first album from that english
phenomena I learned by heart long ago, though some time after 'a night at
the opera' was made, called '39, clearly about what happened just before
the second world war.

Those germans and others must have been pretty deluded on top of being
bad enough to go for the pretty insipid and stupid plans of that little
indian impersonator with mustache. Kill all the jews, gypsies and gays and
the world is going to be a better place. Betray all there is and listen
to the great leader in the sky or in your head or on movie and we're all
going to be happy and wonderfull. Conquer europe as if you're a modern roman
empire's citizen or soldier, and made all the world's riches yours? Yeah
right.

Punish the jews and God will be on your side; be a good money keeper,
sweeze 'em dry and make your little stairway to babylons towers' next story
work just enough and real nasty and Jesus himself will cry and praise you
for it in the end, and bless your personal anti-christ spirit more than
all others, and you'll make big mamma realy proud.

Should I explicitly state that that is sarcasm, even? It seems for some
I might have to explain what the reason for such tone could be. It means
you suck. Bad. That you're not fit to be called a human being when you stick
with and follow and appraise such logic. And that I am not joining the lie
that anyway it is better to oppress, to steal and cling to faces with your
life, to make what is free and maybe good enough defiled, oppressed, miserable,
taken unserious, pay for their beauty, and God knows what more. Because
I don't think that lie will work. And no matter that the world by nature
is pretty bad, I don't find motivation in that to joing badness myself,
historically I find enough incentive to even want to go against it and
belief that it is possible to make lasting changes which are worth effort
for many.

Not by making the layman and lower babylonic circles perform a preferably
regular and thorough sacrifice of the masses to the liar from the beginning
or one of its deamons, or two some image or spiritual existance I wouldn't
even like to know about let alone observer or take part in, such as the
moloch, the beast, and all that. Simply because I don't belief it works.
Realy not. I'm positive such will never make anything worth while, while
getting away from all that will at least make me to begin with not so miserable
in life, a mercy that is possible legally and even practically for even
most in western society, which should not be underestimated.

So the bastards and the criminals go free, too? There are sufficient
normal, established enough laws, in a system dating back longer than most
families remember, who could take at least reasonable care of that, so I'm
not too impressed with the idea that I should give up that what I'd want
to find normal in life is unthinkable even, or alien. There are big places
on this earth where without oppressing others in a major way there has
even been (mostly) peace between many states for centuries, and I'm sure
that sane enough thinking underlies that more than most other things, except
maybe religion.

And I want to stress again that I see some very clear lines in all this
which I am not willing to sacrifice to some bloody lie or to some rich who
claim they'll in the end of course bring about the chances I'd want, but
they have to use me to get to the top first, of course. Seriously. What
are they called, Marx? Where did they get their education?

But mister, I you don't play along, you're never going to make it! Maybe.
'We come for your protection, pay up please'. Oops. I'm sure there are very
evil and quite evil circumstances where people are not free to chose their
live and even parts of it. But if I can't even make a free enough way in
this society with my possibilities and education and lack of badness, than
I'd feel too bad about the whole of it, so I'd become against the games
people seem at times again to want to play just because I'd feel bad otherwise.
And at least I don't need to feel unrealistic. Hey, where are you going
with that gun in your hands? Not to mechico, but to defend the constitution.
That's not too bad, I think I can handle that, idea-wise.

Article 15 of the dutch consitution states that nobody can be robbed
of their freedom unless there is official legal reason. In practice, suppose
I apply for a job as an older, unedified former house woman with half grown
children, and no family to take notice of, and I realy want to be hired,
than what can I do, apart from applying for wellfare. Every person has also
legal freedom to chose their job, but how does that work in practice?

I've been fine enough in that area at least not to be taken unserious,
I've worked in small and big companies, for short times made more money
per day most people probably never make, and saved up for my official civil
servant pension for the better part of decade, for more than a few years
as electrical engineer, working in top computer design area, so I've been
around the better side of things more than enough to know what that can
be like, which I at the time in general found to suck, but that is not
on the scale of second world war or child abusers and the sort of incredible
misery that goes with that, but being unaware of that just in direct personal
sense.

So I wanted out, to the states, preferably, though I'd even enjoy the
broadness of an autobahn to some nice enough area, preferably at 150 or
so. And I'd make music, prefably contemporary Jazz/Fusion (rock/funk) and
be away from technoland in my free time except maybe for cubase (a music
sequencer program) and for 19 inch racks or keyboards with synthesiser computer
circuits to program and most of all use.

I'd walk or drive around, and I'd be bored, except maybe going to the
beach, doing some fun enough art stuff, go out with someone I'd find attractive
or entertaining or friendly enough, that sort of stuff. Visit friends I
than considered such.

So I thought I'd make my life more the way I'd prefer by using my talents
to make me exportable enough to go to where I'd want to be, and be away
from a country where the highest desire for many that is not so bad would
seem to be the infamous 'gezellig'heid, which I little short of felt like
dispising because it would make me feel like visiting my mother, who sort
of had laking capacities to treat me for more mature than maybe 11, instead
of making a life I could reflect on and like enough. Anyhow, the dutch are
famous enough abroad, so I had international opinion easily on my side to
make clear I'd want to be away if I had the chance to do such reasonably.

Lately I basically lack the money to even consider such, and there has
been much more clearly enough planned against me to make me worry about
not loosing my credibility as sane or professionally capable person at the
level I targeted. Having done both probably enough at least to have not
lost the possiblity to aim at achieving what I've thought desirable for
longer than years, it of course did occur to me that realy many people have
been bad, stupid or deluded enough to make society around me and many others
such that it hardly ticks normal anymore. For reasons I could go into I
think I'm not irrelevant in that, though I do not feel satisfied or safe
claiming all too much explicit relevance in that whole of things now. At
least I'm sure in christian and lets say intellectual (not very good term)
sense errors have been bad and effective to create much of evil nature which
comes up and messes up society more than I like. Not just here, when I
check out cnn it seems present in not just europe, though I'm still sure
I'd want to cross the great dividing ocean without bringing much, culturally,
for instance.

And christians sinning, erring, deluding and being deluded, being real
and affraid maybe or not willing to lead or be led out of badness, or not
being actual christian in any sense than position or namewise at all, is
of course a concept that spans major areas of life in the middle ages, I
don't think that will be argued with all too much, so that is not new, and
the error to want to play God's game with all that in his plav and thinking
that will enrich the better players I think should not be repeated. Because
God may be angry if you try, its only major portions of the old and new
testament that warn us not to, because it is doomed to fail and to not replace
the damnation that goes from non-well, non functioning or evil christianity
with a similar one by being such on purpose. And inventing idols isn't ever
going to work for sure, either, that usually realy messes things up bad
and for a long time.

So is there a Holy Spirit still who fills the ones God made new person
through his Son when they ask Him? When there are still people (even children)
prophesying and speaking in tongues there must be, though they'd better
be tested for being indeed good persons, credible, and gifted with the right
spirit and not some angel of light which will make all seem all wondefully
colorfull until you call its' shots.

I'm sure the Holy Spirit still converts, convinces of sin and judgement,
witholds and fill people, unless I'd stick with sort of clinical attitude
where all above the normal human is considered non-existing because I don't
want to or can't dela with it, which I regularly prefer in 'normal' enough
circumstances and life in the 'normal' world, but not in general, because
I'm sure there is only one real saviour son of God, and that it is not possible
even to be in touch with the real God without Him, and that the damnation
sin brought in this world and the 'games' God makes happen along those
lines I cannot understand, let alone play without Him at least giving some
clues. And way to many evil parties I'm sure would (and most certainly did)
take my place with all the strength and riches they can lay their dirty
hands on to make me satisfied with wanting a quiet and peacefull life in
that sense. I'd prefer to be a nuclear missile in that comparison. An incredibly
fast and effective one, preferably, because there are parties and persons
in this world, especially I think with christian type of names and aspirations
which I think I can hate considerably. For their existence in their lets
call it evil intended sins, for their will to mess up what is good, for
the power and riches they steal from defenseless persons, widows and orphans
is maybe a biblical comparison, for the abusiveness, also physically, they
maybe indulge in or agree with, for their God insulting power greed, their
hornyness for money and riches and ownership of people, for the schuck on
their faces not so much, but for the fact that there are people who wrape
and kill and slaughter in the name of christ if they have the chance, and
want to rule in great evil, and be part of the depths of that satan I can
even quite completely command in practice, Im sure, which I find revolting
and horrible, at most, but not even interesting, let alone a sign of manlyness
or greatness or something to look up to.

Don't you wanna join our wonderfull club who is realy illuminati connected
enough to realy become something, huh? No I joined a university club long
ago, and as a result am edified more than you'll most likely ever be with
your stupidness, thank you very much, and you know what, I only sacrificed
time learn how to solve differential equations and have some fun with graphics,
in case you were wondering, so I even had fun, thank you very much. So what
is better? Join a little student club, redo what the great mummy whore does
and better, and sell yourself to become part of the (hopefully dead) beast,
and study at some human interest faculty, or become techno person, learn
math until you almost drop, and become capable of theoretically and practically
make lets say cellular phones, given enough additional experience? Well,
we wouldn't all be the latter, I guess, though on the other hand, that would
not make the world bad by itself, boring in another way, certainly.

Learning what family A has against person B isn't that interesting, I
can imagine it can be enlighting to become free of such limiting games,
and that in general university education, lets say in history as example
can be more than gratifying enough, and completely worth it, but not by
taking the carreer hike with a student organisation which has got abusiveness
written all over it. And I was (maybe without paying I still receive bills)
member of a young-people sort of club myself, so there too, I don't write
from just a distance: the other kinds suck (at least), realy, they do, bad
even. And the fact that in certain areas they rule pretty much the carreers
of certain walks of like lets say of businesses in certain areas where that
type of student makes maybe their daddies connection work, maybe are chosen
for their position in a shadow society fabric I don't even like to know
about or because they decided to play the abusiveness game better and aren't
stopped.

So naturally when it comes to lets say intellectually charched power
games, I'd claim my education and get pretty far at least claiming the freedom
to be quite equiped to claim and lead my own route, normally, and probably
have a sane or two thing to say about leadership questions asking for some
degree of intelligence.

As a kid and teenager I wasn't all to interested in such question, and
by nature, I'd lead more than average, which seemed more than fine with
most and with my friends, so it never occurred to me that there might be
major problems in such areas in society I wouldn't know about in general
but not so much in my own life. But when the nazis are at the border with
tanks, I'm sure a person changes his or her mind about the relevance of
power considerations, no matter how debasing they often are. And even regardless
of wether they are on the good or collaborator side of things.

Now at this moment the borders where such type of military activity
happens are at least two day drive away from me, and I don't suspect the
germans will have another go, so what happened with our grandparents being
young matures doesn't seem that likely at this moment. Than what, have discussion
groups, pun intended? Why not? At least when there is trust enough to make
a point and seriously think about it, the worst misery will get less place.
I'd not like to try the principle with child abusers to shake hands with.
Seriously, the idea that I've worked with instances of about 80 kg of water
and some proteins who were as bad as wraping and killing children (I wasn't
there so I have no proof, but hold it for quite possible I've not been illinformed)
can easily get to me enough to want a war to stop that, though at least
I have the advantage of having beaten their person and system and spirit
and intellect enough to even aspire a position over all of their heads in
their own area, there'd be no laughter if I'd try even there, which I think
authority and idea wise is preferable, but not over instantaneous death
of someone in defense of the torture or possible death of a child.

Apart from such direct considerations the idea of breaking the silence
around illuminaty, rich tribes with power, all kinds of knowledge in sense
of hidden agendas for the world and persons in it seems very usefull to
me. And achievable enough. Not even the antichrist would have the nerve
to go for world power it would seem if they have to show their pityfull
ass or whatever it is in public to pass the normal human initiation of
getting some trust or position. And being rejected for their lies and unrealistic
or downright evil plans is natural enough for the greek to have made fun
of for thousands of years ago already.

I've tried having normal enough conversations for years, when I was
doing fine enough, which in more than a few cases worked and was satisfactory,
with some friends and girlfriends for instance, and at times with total
strangers, which can work fine enough, though the spiritual may very well
have been in the way to make that natural and blank.

But meeting a persons and having some assumption of freedom in them
to deal with me or others reasonably free and than have interesting fun
or pleasing enough even normal conversation is rare it seems. Maybe with
the assumption of unfreedom to some extend one can talk, and possibly even
about serious subjects, but that is not so easy. What a quality of life
is lost with that alone already. And than having that compensated with the
attitudes and lip talk (as far as that is reliable) minister president
doesn't elevate one either. 'I wrestle and emerge'. Maybe they would, but
it's not pretty sight, and definately not my game or interest to play along,
I'd rather not get in that where they're wrestling, thank you very much,
there's not enough competition around to want to wrestle anyway in any
sense I'd want to take very serious or to heart.

Still I live in the lowlands, which I only later understood maybe as
some swiss border watch seemed to want to make clear years ago, so why not
make the best of it for now and these surroundings anyway?

Fine, of course, if I'd want to damn it and make it miserable and have
effect, I'd be in a damned surrounding myself. Then again when bad kinds
of people rule to much and have too much power, even though in the world
they are no more than flies and a stamp, they don't deserve to take this
place where their leaders and deamons want them to take it, and me in it.
So I'm sure the logic in Peter that God sends a strong delusion to many
to belief a lie holds here, too, which means they are stopped from being
very effective in their babylonical rites and their power systems where
they'd maybe wanna be little bumbs on top of big ones on the beast in the
spiritual world by being deluded, and also by being damned. According to
Paul those who hold a gospel, a message of good news, which is not the
actual gospel Christ gave, are damned by it.

So if I'd have the power and use it to get them out of their delusion
all too much I might be going against Gods will, who sent me to places not
for them maybe but for others, who are serious and aware of the relevance
of Gods words in a good form and in a way which builds them up to become
even effective against the evil empire as christians are at times given
the grace to be, which I now think is probably pretty much the only mercy
in this world available to actually achieve freedom and some kind of likebleness
in this world, and would better be respected for it, at least by those with
effect, or serious about wanting truth in their life.

But in public I'm not going to pretend I'm buying the s* that society
seems to want to or has to put forward as if it is the best and most incredible
this world has ever seen, and me subdued to it. I am NOT subdeud to nazi
asses wanting me to hand over my talents and capacaties to raise power and
money to the next train to spiritual auschwitch because I might be a treat
to the zeros that have power or want it in their pityfull minds (nazi soldiers
often were the kinds that wanted to be motherf*'ed or so by their great
leader it seems to me) cannot beat me or deal with me. FUCK them. I suspect
some persons I've 'known' all my life have such inclinations, for instance,
and their responses the last years at least make clear there is no way
I can trust them even to begin with.

The capitalized expression is serious, I mean it that I find that kind
with all I suspect lies behind it worth such strong words and attitude,
it is what they try to do with others if they have the chance all day long.
Many cannot speak the way I can at least write and sometimes speak, because
they're not lucky enough to have the posibility in various areas of life,
while I don't have money enough to pay some things I'd want to pay, but
I sure can utter what I think about types of badness I observe being of
kinds which can easily be circumscribed, defines and written of as desirable
ways in this world. And seriously most all the kinds of evil and the persons
wanting to advocate them I can discern or observe are almost pityfull without
compare to begin with, except possibly very evil in its outworking, shakespeare
is hardly ever found by me in current practice, most of the games I've observed
are to pityful for words except for the evil they produce.

Meaning that the concept of aspiring positions of power with actual
persons who indeed can be talked to and taken serious enough, even when
they are not all good or agreeable, currently is not at risk of taking along
many of the evil kinds which would want to speak great swelling words of
vanity or boasting, they wouldn't make it, I think. And of course especially
in a country where 'overleg cultuur' is haute couture language in management
sense, that principle when applied well is worth using for the same purpose.
I've hardly had a serious talk or conversation about anything realy relevant
in these areas for a long time, though a few I did have, which probably
is good, which is quite contrary to my obvious and proven enough capacities
to if I would so desire take course to a high enough gouvernmental position.
Which I do not desire, but still what a waste to not use a coutries' talents
righ, even if just for opinion making, thats' a bad sign for civil servantry
machinery.

And don't forget I've been sort of kicked out of university, too, apart
from not visiting my mother nicely and neatly for not taking the first thing
about me seriously, and seriously trying to have me institutionalized for
being a nut at a (local) career dip. So his family ties he didn't manage
well, aha, and what about his carreer? Well, he didn't get along with some
real nice little scientific person who would have sold his and is girlfriends'
life for him quite wonderfully to some great hidden and relay coming up
system, and of course he cannot claim the abovementioned position, he. No?
Why not? Well, he socially has never been around, and one of the only few
link to the higher classes of child abuse families he seems to have lost,
so basically, he is a nobody. Isn't is nice that our little boy is given
a little place with some obscure student wannabe musicians at least? Huh,
what? Oh yeah, marginal, just like his electronics hobby. You have done
your job well herr Flick.

Scuse me, I did top level jazz songs, too, and in spite of just about
everthing I've seen happen in a very long time in this country what I was
relevant factor in worked enough to be popular and not of the sucking nature
just about everything seems to have to pay its dues to the mammon (lets
take that one this time) with. And there proof enough of that, and it seems
it has not even remained unnoticed at the time. So why was I not on the hit
charts, huh? Good question, why hasn't akkerman been, lately, various reasons,
I guess the record company salesman saw no way of making me openly expose
my grandmothers and fathers side of the family clearly enough to effectively
betray my person lastingly enough to the moloch (lets permute the list on
the next page) to actually have me make money with music and get the things
approval, too. Or I'm one of those unrecongized wannabee talents who end
up being second rate professors in not knowing because they are actually
to insane taking a place that doesn't fit them at all? Did I push it now,
you mf's (certain kinds intended) ?

I'm certain that the things I at times, without question with also through
the presence and work of certain others won from the gloomyness and misery
of life which isn't worth much, damnation that goes with reversing satanworshippers
with the power, authority and credibility of the true God, and the lies
that surround certain people with talents and in the end makes bookkeepers
of their train to certain destination very happy trades'men', and made my
life even here worth while in my own opinion in such sense, I could beat
again, and that in the end I could push it again, this time demanding that
at least I'm taken for the qualifications I have, and that other areas I
didn't consider at the time would be in that picture, too, but frankly I
don't see the point of making my current life a 'proof' game of that game,
to proof I can beat the face stealers again, and acutally get some approval
of the kinds I'd wish dead as sane person of any kind and reasonable conviction.

I don't need to proof myself in those ways, except when I can gain personal
or other freedom with it, or otherwise achieve something worthwhile, like
making a (normal enough) small ton of money quick enough with for instance
software. There is no point, and I don't give various bad kinds that I find
discpicable on top of that they suck, or worse, that they can play a game
arond me as if there is for instance even competition at stake. I've more
than proven myself enough to claim I can compete at world top level in electrical
engineering, computers, physics, and music, at least, and I have enough
qualifications to be taken serious, there going to have to be satisfied
with acknowledging that, and that's it. I don't need a child abuser to appraise
my qualities, I know various values good enough, I'm not in need of being
motherf*d because I didn't receive love or acknowledgement enough, I got
better uses for my time, soul and ego. And as far as I've been let's say
rejected for fitting enough positions, I don't even hold a grudge in person,
but I will not give away or in that sense 'forgive' anyone unless I see
reason to, and I don't see any. Let them squirm that deserve so if that
is possible, at least I'm not giving my blood to some vampiers who would
walk all over me if I wouldn't have gone pretty far not to give up or away
the normal human and additional honour that I can claim. Fuck them.

For normal 'house' use, that is strong language, and it still deliberate,
if they want to play all the nazi and catholic (new babylonic) games again
with me, that's when it is up to me all they'll ever get; a middle finger
in they face, which means I don't acknowledge their righ to 'be' as they
are making themselves or made into. Fuck that. I've won that game the sort
of 'ego' way before I was outside normal competition rules (careerwise and
most likely social-wise) betrayed out of my position and its logical line
of possibilities, so much that I'm sure two belgiums and many others still
quite remember, and I'm sure they haven't found the technicians, scientists
and musicians to take my place. Period. And I'm sure they still are the
sort of weenies and weakheads they were in personal sense when I had the
dishonour of working with them before realizing they might well be in some
very bad circuits and activities. I guess the dutch system had to let the
connection and betrayal done by foreigners, I don't know, maybe I should
have tried to contrary to normal logic chose another carreer start at the
time. Anyhow in various quite relevant areas I'm the best or close to it,
and they'll this time not have the priviledge of my niceness. Is he nuts?
And i mean it, this time I don't feel like leaving the kind of social space
where they're fabric I need to respect to even exist at all somehow not
being challenged by me enough, I want them preferably out of the way in
any sense, like they've quite going beyond anything reasonable have tried.
Its visible enough to many what at least objectively must have been played,
and they this time don't have the benefit of the doubt, I want to know their
roots their so called christianity, preferably the connection it is about
to prevent worse for others, and I think I do want to do society the service
of making an issue of everthing I find relevant in the are of freedom and
the violations of it, and I won't assume certain people have their own career
problems I could be a bit senstitive to, I don't think this time. Though
that is matter of principle, as I wrote I already a long time ago passed
the phase of wanting to find certain kinds of acceptance in this country,
and everyone playing my emotions to that effect will find that I find it
even hard to laugh or spit at the idea, it is hardly existing in my mind,
it has no meaning for me in that sense, not to say that of course I don't
need, without question also because some have been there in various ways
and times to acknowledge and love what was or is important to me.

Hij begint nu toch weer een beetje zijn oude ziekte te krijgen he, we
zullen een beetje op hem moeten passen en hem moeten helpen, he. Push that
and I might seriously consider suing you for slander, which I could make
a solicitor do even if I would be deranged. In case some thought that, I
did not play that game along, where I am at least sinner, or wrong or messed
up some way, just to be controllable by all others who had to do the same,
no matter what they tell you. I'd even claim being to intelligent to fall
for that lie. Ask germany if they wanna play along. No? Are they nuts, too?
At least they're europeans, so the cultural divide is probably not to too
wide. What is that, you didn't know? Oh, befehl ist befehl. Well, sorry,
we're not under nebukatnezar in f* persia, we're in europe helped enough
to not completely perish in von Brauns or Einsteins inventions, and I sure
am not Daniel, so the command will not be acceptable as excuse, and you'll
have to learn the true song to rage and preferably win of the machine: FUCK
YOU , I will NOT do as you tell me, or you're at risc of being called nazi,
or simply unconstitutional.

And that holds for christians, too, especially if they make themselves
all high and mighty in that name. I mean does a christian nazi exist? I'm
sure christian (in name) child abusers do, and I find that insult to the
real Christ enough to make a stand against, and I'm not to be brushed away
easily in christian sense, in fact I find at this moment no other publically
or prayer wise of the same contentwise weight anywhere I am aware of, and
I intend to use every ounce of that weight wisely, also against such kinds
I hate and dispise for obvious reasons. And to built up, hopefully set free,
edify maybe, make think straight enough, and obey the true God and Holy
Spirit when they're certain enough it is Him and what He means, quite some
hopefully, who will not need to fall in such judgements, which I agree should
start at the house of God, of which some may have suffered badly, and under
circumstances worse than I like to imagine may well have shown more mercy
and true christianity than their self made leaders can even stand the smell
off, and who have as it seems no one even to take things serious much, unless
there are some people speaking up.