Sometimes, you alter life. Sometimes, life alters you.

03/20/2011

Day 109: The Girl in the Mirror

Five years ago, if you asked what I thought I would be doing today, I would have told you all kind of things:

I would be pregnant (if not already a mother).I would be published (if not at least near completion of a novel).I would be in a new house.I would be thriving in my business.

One thing for sure, one thing I would not be; I would not be sick.

If I were sick, it would be temporary; the stuff of colds and achy heads. I would fall, but recover; bend, but not break. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think I might be too weak to lift my arms or work full-time. Never, in my worst nightmares, did I imagine I'd have something so complex that four doctors would be consulted just to start figuring out the problem.

Growing up, doctors were Gods...they had all of the answers. Now, six months into chronic illness, I view them as scholars, armed with formulas and theories, blinded by human limitations.

Today, as I look in the mirror, I barely recognize the girl I see. With curiosity, I study her features: The new lines that furrow her brow; The permanent pinkness that covers her chest; The dimple in her chin; How the corners of her mouth turn down. There is a vulnerability to her and a sadness. She no longer does her hair or wears make up. She's familiar, but strangely distant.

Tags:
But You Don't Look Sick, Chronic Fatigue, Coping with Chronic Illness, Fibromyalgia, Illness and Depression, Invisible Illness, Lupus, Lyme Disease, Regrets, Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired, The Girl in the Mirror, The Hidden Cost of Illness, This Woman's Work

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Not much to say except....I'm sorry, I feel and have felt what you feel...I do not want to say I know how you feel, because we all have our own path....but I do relate to how you feel and what you say above....who'd a thought?????

Thanks, Cindy. I think anyone who is struggling with chronic illness understands this feeling. Heck, anyone who's undergone any major change probably understands this feeling. Reminds me of the Regina Spektor song Somedays (linked in the post) or that Talking Heads Song Once in a Lifetime.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
You may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself, "How do I work this?"
And you may ask yourself, "Where is that large automobile?"
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful house"
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful wife"

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was

Water dissolving and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Under the water, carry the water
Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean
Water dissolving and water removing

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, into the silent water
Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Leting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

You may ask yourself, "What is that beautiful house?"
You may ask yourself, "Where does that highway go to?"
You may ask yourself, "Am I right, am I wrong?"
You may say to yourself, "My God! What have I done?"

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, into the silent water
Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, look where my hand was

Time isn't holding up, time isn't after us
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, hey let's all twist our thumbs
Here comes the twister

Letting the days go by
Letting the days go by
Once in a lifetime
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by

ALTER EVERYTHING What do you get when you combine a creative, Type A personality with Chronic Lyme Disease? A choice: A) Be swallowed whole or B) Reinvent yourself--daily.
Alter Everything is my quest to respect "A" and embrace "B" as much as possible. Here, I recount my daily adventures in pursuit of an altered life. –Kathy Tagudin