You Won’t Believe Who Kim Kardashian Is Blaming For The Paris Robbery

Last week Kanye West did the unthinkable, he stopped his own concert to help someone else. Hoping in a stretch limousine he rushed to Paris hotel where his wife, Kim Kardashian had just been robbed. Now, Kim K. is speaking out about the eventful night, laying the blame on someone long gone from this etherial plane:

Aleister Crowley.

That’s right, it is currently believed that famed occultist and sex magician Aleister Crowley is behind the now infamous Paris robbery. Although he passed away in 1947, Crowley spent considerable time in Paris conjuring spirits with other like-minded sex magicians yet the art of sex magick is not a very profitable one. In 1903 Crowley needed to summon some quick cash to support his habits.

At the start of October, 1903, Aleister Crowley broke into the Paris Catacombs to begin a seven day ritual that is believed to have been the source of his mass wealth. Given Crowley’s success, we won’t list all the steps here (though they can be found in just about any book on Sex Magick). Prior to the start of the ritual, the magician must participate in a cleanse in which they may only partake in the nectar of various fruits of the earth, no solid food may pass their lips. Upon entering the catacomb they are to strip naked and spend 38 hours rolling around in the dirt until the dust forms an exoskeleton which will be necessary protect them from the demons to be summoned. The summoning process, perhaps the most grotesque step involves bones and… bones, let’s leave it at that. Once materialized, Crowley wrestled with the demons for two days (headlocks were not permitted, a standard set by sex magicians and adopted by pro-wrestlers across the globe). After proving his strength the demons disappeared and on the seventh day returned with the highly valued jewelry that Aleister Crowley would use to build his nest egg.

On October 8, 2016, Kim Kardashian would file a police report stating that while in her Paris hotel room a group of men “materialized through flames” and ransacked her belongings. These flames left no scorch marks inside the room. Among the most valuable items stolen were a cache of jewels bearing a resemblance to those worn by Crowley during his lifetime. Many have pointed to the matching accessories as a sign of the Kardashian’s occult status when in fact, it was Crowley who lifted Kim’s fashion sense.

Kim’s wedding ring was also stolen during the robbery, but Kanye West was quick refuse its return. West tweeted the following over the weekend: That thing’s probably on a demon dick somewhere and I don’t mess around with that Lady Gaga shit.