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Friday, May 1, 2009

Close up to open out (Part 1)

Neither do I term this an acknowledgment to those who has long suspected me, nor I am confessing to those who do not realize. This is a little piece of my mind that I want to share with you guys. After all, I think you have the right to know, but is another matter to me if it brings disturbance to you.

In the eyes of a normal being, a male admiring another male is concluded gay. If I say I am doing the same since 10 years ago, does that make me a big term gay? I guess that's right, even my mind comes to the same conclusion in denial.

From here on, if you cannot afford to read any further, kindly leave and never look back.

In the right minds of the straights, gay is an unnatural event of life, a path that leads no where to the betterment of life. Oh, how I couldn't agree more to this. But the reason I am now that does not near to the society norm, is because the concept of gay exist as part of my nature conscience. It was not my hatred to girls that turned me gay. Neither because I befriended a bunch of gay friends who had influenced me. I never blame my parents for raising me to what I've become. Without realizing, I develop this character naturally, beyond my control. I once thought that it was inscrutable for not being the same as peers but was soon comprehended - I simply take no interest in girls.

I live through my adolescence in era of limited communication. As sources of information are scarce without internet and no friends of such genre to speak to and share with at that time, I was exploring the world all by myself. Does studying in an all-boy school worsen the effect? I think it does. I had crushes on few of my friends back in school but a crush is just a crush. I never propose, I never drop any hint, I don't even dare to walk close to them. No one suspected me, no one knew, and maybe no one bothers to give a damn at me - I mean during my mid-school term. Gradually, I display a precocious attraction towards people of same gender. Yet I am able to generate the preconceived idea about gay being ok.

My first fear is not due to the difference of interest with straights. I am not afraid that I cannot get married and reproduce as normal people would do. Neither will I be shaken by the feeling of being lonely. If there's something that I fear as a gay, it will be my hell straight and homophobia parents and friends who cannot accept me for who I am. I could not bear the risk of losing my parents and friends for such trivial reason. The feel of labeled 'not fit' in the society, unacceptable and discrimination holds me back.

Afraid of being found out, I hid my nature so badly during my mid school life so that no one will find out, no one to see through me, no one to realize my bent interest to start with. Line between sense of belonging and and my sexuality was drawn to ease socializing among the straights. I lied through the past 10 years with all possible lies, as straight as I can. Call me hypocrite all you want, 'coz I am. But time has long passed, society has moved into an acceptable openness and my fear of discrimination slowly diminishes.

After many of these years, I learn to see and value from different angles, different views from various perspectives. If I am a true friend to you, does my sexuality hinder our friendship? Even if it means disappointment, I have to tell my parents someday that I can never live the way they have expected.

By clicking the 'publish post' today, I am ready to lose many friends and at the same time discriminated. From now on, I won't deny if anyone ask me "is this real?" I sincerely apologize if anyone felt cheated. Sorry...