First Date Check

Ahh, the year of no feelings. Not a single guy came my way in 2015 who managed to make my heart skip a beat, and so you’ll notice that compared to last year, there are way fewer reflections and just about all of them are pretty shallow. Buuuut hey, what’s wrong with that?

Starting in 2015, I finally started to just really insist on splitting the check on the first date. Why? Because then I feel less of an obligation to talk to them again after the date ends. When you aren’t into almost everyone you go out with, there are just too many people to let down, yano? It’s a tough life being picky.

2) Sex without attachment is possible and not something I should be ashamed about.

Who says guys are the only ones capable of this? I’ve had my fair share of long dry spells – which is also nothing to be ashamed about – but if I want to have sexy time with someone and never talk to them again, then all the more power to me. Or if I only talk to them when I want to do it again, then that’s fucking fantastic too.

3) I drink a lot.

I mean, I already knew this. But in case you didn’t, then just go back and reread my 2015 dating chronicles and it’s pretty easy to pick up on.

If you have been a close follower of this blog from the start, then there’s a chance you’ve seen about two or three versions of this post before – only to see it disappear within a week or two. The reason for that is because I’m super indecisive my feelings about the First Date Check problem keep changing.

The Early Stage of The Picky Dater

For a while (basically from the time I graduated college and entered the real dating world until a little less than a year ago), my expectations for a first date were old-fashioned: the guy should pay. I would offer up the payment, but it was always done in the fake-attempt-to-grab-my-wallet fashion. There were instances when I would go out to dinner with someone and the bill would be a lot higher than just drinks would be, and in those situations I was okay with justifying the split. However, if all we were getting was drinks and we ended up splitting it… then I seriously judged him.

Clarissa explains what makes a date a disaster

The Late 2014 – Early 2015 Stage of The Picky Dater

I can’t put my finger on an exact day or particular date I went on, but I eventually came to realize that I was being a bit unfair and old-fashioned sexist to expect the guy to ALWAYS foot the bill. Going on unsuccessful date after unsuccessful date started to feel like more like a chore than something I wanted to do, and I must have come to the realization that guys probably go on shitty dates too and still have to pay for everything on top of that. So I started to feel bad and lowered my expectations.

But not THAT much. I still had certain expectations for the guy to pay on date #1. Basically, my rule of thumb was that if the guy would go to a location that was convenient for me, then I would definitely be cool with splitting. However, if I agree to haul my ass to the opposite side of the city (because Lord knows I’m not venturing farther than that for a first date) while you walk down the street, there was zero chance I’d be pleased with splitting. Exhibit A: this guy.

The Current Stage of The Picky Dater

In my reflections of 2014, one thing I noted was how my expectation for a guy to pay on the first date was equivalent to my obligation to respond to him after a first date regardless of how it went. I mean, it is only fair. For a short while, I stuck with that mentality, allowed the guys to pay on the first date, and then rather than ignoring them and hoping they’d get the hint when they asked me out again, I would tell them I felt something was missing and wish them well.

Now, I still totally think that is a fair way to think about it, so that hasn’t changed. What’s changed now is my willingness to actually tell a guy I don’t want to go out with him again. That probably sounds a bit cruel to some of you, but honestly, most guys DO get the hint when a girl doesn’t respond after the first date. I’ve had it happen to me, and while it can suck because you thought the date went well, the reality is that that just happens. Sometimes the person you went out with just didn’t feel the same way about the date that you did. Plus, c’mon guys (and girls), rejection sucks. Personally, I’d rather take the “soft rejection” of the guy going silent than the “hard rejection” of being told I’m not worth a second date. In that same vein, though, there are absolutely those people who just don’t catch on (and I’m not innocent of this myself), and those are the times you might need to spell out the hard truth for them – albeit in the nicest, most sugar-coated way possible.

So nowadays, I’m insistent – VERY insistent – on splitting on the first date. Why? Well, I could say it’s because I’m just trying to be fair, but that’s not why. I could say that it’s the feminist thing to do, but that’s also not why. Honestly, it’s because 9.9 first dates out of 10, I have no interest in going out for a second time. That’s a lot of guys to let down (because, you know, obvvvviously they want to take me out again), and I really don’t want to be handing out these “hard rejections” anymore, especially after knowing the guys only 90 minutes or so. At this point, I’m okay with trading my money for the right to ignore a guy after the first date if I want to.

So that’s why. It’s half out of laziness, half out of just not giving a shit.

Soooo… what if I like the guy? Haha, well let’s get to that point first.

So that’s my current take on the First Date Check problem. If it changes again, I’ll just update it here.

Ok people, I know you are reading this (the stats for this blog still baffle me considering I am so bad at updating it). What are your thoughts on The First Date Check problem?

As I was going back and deciding who was worthy of making my Top 5 of 2014 list, I started to realize that there were a number of ways that I have, um, evolved, I guess you would say. Then this weekend I was lying in bed thinking of any reason to avoid getting out of it really reflecting on what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed over the past year (really sappy, I know). Instead of writing it for myself in the Notes section of my iPhone where I have all my New Years Resolutions for the past few years saved, I figured I’d post this one here. So even if you all don’t gain anything from reading this, at least I’ll have an extra backup in case my phone runs away from me again (pshhh… you thought I’d let myself LOSE a phone twice in one year? of course it ran away from me) or someone decides to hack the cloud for the sole reason of accessing my weight loss goals of 2012.

Ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, my random thoughts on 2014:

As far as dating/relationships go, getting closure from my last relationship was by far the best thing I did in 2014. Had that not happened, I would probably still be secretly hung up on him which over three years later would be almost as pathetic as AshLee’s obsession with Graham on Bachelor in Paradise. But as a side note, people, don’t be making false promises to someone you really care about just to try to make him/her happy in the moment. It’s just not cool.

Let’s see how many references to The Bachelor I can fit in one post. Well, when I was looking back on some of my earlier dates of 2014, I remembered just how many more guys had the JP Syndrome back then compared to guys I’ve gone out with the last few months. I don’t think I’ve done anything differently, so maybe I just happen to be going out with people who are more curious to actually get to know me. Or maybe more guys watch The Bachelor than we think and have morphed themselves into Midwest souls like Chris Soules (ha, I amuse myself). Guys: when you can’t hang out on Monday afternoon, I secretly know exactly what you are doing watching.

I’ll be honest, especially when I first started dating out of college and even still for most of 2014, I was a stickler about the First Date Check problem and seriously judged someone if they allowed me to split the check with them on a first meeting. Still being honest here, I DO think it is in guys’ best interests to plan on footing the bill on a first date because believe it or not, I’m not the only person who is/was super picky about this. Plus – and I admittedly still fall into this category – many girls just appreciate the old-fashioned chivalry that movies and TV shows showed us growing up. All this said, I have begun to recognize that I don’t necessarily care TOO much about splitting on the first date anymore. I’m not exactly sure what changed, but here’s my feelings (as of right now, at least): if we meet in a mutually convenient area or especially if he goes out of his way to go somewhere close to me, then by all means, let’s split it. Honestly, sometimes I don’t even care if I pay for everything. However, if it takes over 35 minutes and/or a $25 Uber ride for me to meet somewhere close to him, then I expect him to pay (I’m looking at you, Pompous Douchebag and Subway Kisser).

Thanks, Clarissa.

4) …and about the Second Date Hold Up

I used to think that if I wasn’t into a guy after the first date, then it was completely okay for me to just ignore him when he reached out again until he got the point. Lately, though, I try to be better about giving these fellahs an explanation… buuuut it doesn’t always happen. Then one of my good friends recently made an excellent point that makes so much sense to me: the first date check problem is the equivalent of the second date hold up. In other words, if we are going to expect a guy to pay on the first date, then us girls should be obliged to respond when they ask us out again – even if that means somehow telling them we are not interested.

5) Everyone should learn to travel alone and take some time with the #1: YOU.

It can be good for the soul.

6) I need to be pickier with my online dates.

Say whaaaa?! Sounds ridiculous since this whole blog is about how picky I am, but there are actually a lot of dates that I agree to go on with people that I am only semi-interested in based on their profiles and our brief messaging before meeting. The result? I’m not excited to meet up with them and they very rarely see a second date. On the other hand, the first Hinge date I went on was with someone who I was super attracted to on the app, which led to me being SO excited for the first date… and I ended up really liking him. I was also excited for the Sean Connery sober man and even though my interest in him waned with each date, the first one was still way more successful than my first dates with guys I wasn’t all that into.

7) I need to be less picky when I meet someone in person.

If you don’t know me, you are probably quick to assume that I have always been picky. Fair assumption, but back in high school and college I actually used to date/hookup with an array of people including a scrawny redhead, a guy shorter than me, someone who grew literally zero facial hair, and, well, you get the picture. Basically, I wasn’t really THAT picky. So this year, I resolve to try to be more open-minded if a guy I’m not immediately attracted to introduces himself to me and also isn’t one of the 99% of the population in a relationship.

8) I need to grow some balls and start approaching good-looking guys again.

I also need to start wearing my glasses – or finally get Lasik – so I get better at determining when someone is good from far but far from good. Being less awkward could help as well.

9) Our friends aren’t very good at setting us up – with anyone.

I’m convinced that the cure to my pickiness is by meeting someone with a good personality through a mutual friend and get to know them through casual group hangouts rather than forced dates. The problem is that absolutely nobody seems to know any single people that I would be willing to date worthy of me. There has got to be a better way to take advantage of the mutual/third-party connections listed in Hinge.