http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
AS common household pests I believe vampires pose less of a problem than,
say, spiders. I might be more sanguine in my attitude, I admit, if faced
with a vampire infestation After all, to de-bug a flat, you only need one
bug sprayer. To remove the undead you need a fleet of exterminators--
exorcists, eccentric professors, stake-makers, stalwart young men with pure
hearts, Buffy... Try to find a stalwart pure-heart in the Yellow Pages.
One who makes housecalls? Forget about it.

So why are vampires so popular? America's had more movies about Vlad the
Impaler's unholy progeny than Rumania itself, movies that seem to appeal to
both men and women. For a woman, I guess, the idea that royalty (The Count)
would want to sup from her democratic American veins is thrilling and
flattering.

Then there's the exciting option of joining the vampire team. Think of
that! Normal American janes hanging out with old money decadents in large
gloomy castles at languid all-night Eurotrash parties!

Vampires never diet, never job hunt. They don't need roommates, day care,
or healthy relationships. They just swoop down on the object of their
desire, suck it dry, and move on. Throw in some hollow-eyed disciples to
address them reverently as "Mistress of the Night," and you can see why so
many American women say, "Wow! There's a unique career move!"

And men? We're problem-solvers. We identify with the stalwart heroes,
bulging with vampire-destroying instruments: stakes, garlic, crosses,
mirrors, holy water, etc. Guys always covet a fine set of tools. And don't
forget, vampire slaying is a day job. It's not like destroying an alien in
the dark bowels of a smelly spaceship. You don't have to shell out big
bucks for silver bullets, and stay up late on full moon nights, as you must
to bag a werewolf. Your sleep isn't disturbed, the way it is when you
grapple with Freddy Kruger. You just stroll into the crypt, noon-ish, pop
open that coffin, give a whack or two with the mallet, and knock off for
lunch.

But if Dracula movies are an interface between boy and girl movies, what are
boy and girl movies themselves? As a rule of thumb, women get pleasure out
of seeing people eat on screen. Put the diners in fabulous outfits from
another era, and you've got yourself a Masterpiece Theatre miniseries.
(Come to think of it, even Dracula could be seen as a drama about food
preparation.) Men, on the other hand, enjoy movies about unshaven
undercover cops exchanging semi-automatic weapons fire with psychopaths in
mob-owned bowling alleys.

Break it down this way. An elegantly dressed Edwardian couple having a
picnic in a meadow is a girl movie. Two rumpled cops eating tacos as they
track a space alien in an abandoned subway is a boy movie. Motes of dust
playing in a stream of sunlight? Women. Beefy men in overcoats striding
through swirls of smog? Men.

Locations? A warehouse, parking ramp, desert highway, casino, jungle, and
post-apocalyptic wasteland are generic boy movie locales. For women, a
kitchen, babbling brook, meadow, fabulous country estate, and fin de siecle
Vienna are among the locations of choice.

Women can tolerate a horror movie about battling an ancient evil, if the
ancient evil has really nice clothing. Guys, however, prefer an ancient
evil that is scaly and drips green fluid. Again, Dracula moves from fop to
slavering beast at the snap of a finger. Hence, more cross-gender appeal.

The ultimate boy movie? Reservoir Dogs, about a gang of horrible men dying
in a warehouse. The ultimate girl movie? Enchanted April, about a gang of
women lying around an Italian seaside villa. If the reservoir dogs had
opened their hearts instead of opening fire, they might have had more
inter-gender appeal. And if that villa had contained a scaly predator, more
men might have made reservations.

But the real questions remain: If Dracula can't see himself in a mirror,
how does he dress so well? If people don't like garlic on a pizza, are they
undead? If vampires only come out at night, do they ever go
bowling?