"No, I know they're shit. I have a fetish. Do you know how hard it is to get shit pretzels?"

This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

MALLRATS

The Abridged Script

Contributed by Peter Rauch

FADE IN:

EXT. EDEN PRAIRIE MALL

In voiceover, JASON LEE tells a fairly involved and very funny joke that critics will use as evidence that KEVIN SMITH has SOLD OUT by making movies that are FUNNY in SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT WAYS than his previous one.

Remember that girl who drowned in the YMCA pool in the last movie? She's a plot device in this one. She was supposed to be on my father's game show, which is conveniently being hosted at our very own Eden Prairie Mall, and I'm taking her place. I can't go to Florida with you.

JEREMY LONDON

Wait a minute. She died when?

CLAIRE FORLANI

Yesterday.

JEREMY LONDON

But in the last movie she was being given a wake. Isn't this supposed to be a sequel?

CLAIRE FORLANI

(shrugs)

Anyway, we're breaking up. Go fuck yourself.

JEREMY LONDON

Fuck!

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Stop it!

INT. JASON LEE'S HOUSE

JASON LEE wakes up next to SHANNEN DOHERTY in a room covered with COMIC POSTERS and furnished with the HOCKEY VIDEO GAMES legally required for an INDIE ROMANTIC COMEDY.

SHANNEN DOHERTY

You need to do something with your life.

JASON LEE

Why? I've got a kickass comic collection and I'm fucking the chick from Little House on the Prairie. If there's more to life than this I don't want to know what it is.

SHANNEN DOHERTY

That's it, I'm outta here, you limpdick slacker.

She leaves. The COMIC FANS in attendance, who are worshipping JASON'S character as a living god, develop a deep-seated hatred for SHANNEN, even more than they hated her before they saw this movie. JEREMY enters.

JEREMY LONDON

My girlfriend dumped me.

JASON LEE

Mine too. Let's go to the mall.

JEREMY LONDON

Why!?

JASON LEE

I need comics.

JEREMY LONDON

So go.

JASON LEE

Come on, it'll be fun! We can have all sorts of kooky teen adventures like in all those John Hughes and John Landis flicks Kevin Smith spent his formative years watching. I'll have spontaneous sex with Shannen in an elevator, and you'll get hit in the balls by the attractive supporting female!

JEREMY and JASON walk over to the pet store, where JAY and SILENT BOB await. They are much more animated than in the previous movie, and actively participate in the plot; this will also be used by critics as proof that KEVIN has SOLD OUT.

JAY

Snootchie Bootchies!

The CATCH-PHRASE doesn't help.

JASON LEE

We need to make sure the game show doesn't happen.

JASON MEWES does an elaborate WOLVERINE impression.

SILENT BOB

Shut up.

Realizing that there haven't been any STAR WARS references yet, KEVIN decides to use the stage as an elaborate Death Star parody/homage. During our heroes' attempts to destroy the stage various events take place that lead to JOEY LAUREN ADAMS showing us her BREASTS.

COMIC FANS

This movie fucking rules!

THE REST OF THE MALE AUDIENCE

Actually, you're right.

Various hijinks ensue. JASON has sex with SHANNEN in an elevator. JEREMY gets hit in the balls by the ATTRACTIVE SUPPORTING FEMALE. BEN beats the shit out JASON. By way of retaliation, JAY and SILENT BOB beat the shit out of the EASTER BUNNY. Then the PLOT begins to move again; CLAIRE'S FATHER tries to have JEREMY and JASON arrested, but they escape with help from JAY and SILENT BOB, not to mention another HILARIOUS but SLAPSTICK scene that will cause critics too accuse KEVIN of SELLING OUT. Suddenly, STAN LEE appears!

COMIC FANS

This movie fucking rules!

INT. DIRT MALL

JEREMY LONDON

We need some sagelike advice.

They see a sign advertising TOPLESS FORTUNETELLING.

JASON LEE

We're there, dude.

INT. FORTUNETELLING BOOTH

The FORTUNETELLER, played by PRISCILLA BARNES, begins taking her shirt off.

COMIC FANS

This movie fucking rules!

We see that she has a THIRD NIPPLE. JASON vomits. The AUDIENCE has more or less the same reaction. JEREMY, however, is inspired the finish the movie.

INT. EDEN PRAIRIE MALL

They return and find SILENT BOB perusing a copy of John Pierson's 'Spike, Mike, Slackers and Dykes' in a not-at- all obvious plug. They enlist JAY to get the contestants on the game show STONED, so they can assume their identities and fuck up the show from the inside in classic sitcom manner. It works! JEREMY marries CLAIRE, JASON gets back together with SHANNEN, BEN goes to PRISON where the narrative informs us he is regularly FUCKED in the ASS.

COMIC FANS

That movie fucking ruled!

CRITICS

No, you were misinformed. It fucking sucked.

STAN LEE stabs the critics to death with his Adamantium CLAWS.

COMIC FANS

We love you, Stan Lee!

END

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