Okay, I am pretty sure that I have attempted to write this at least a dozen times and each one of those times I have been unsuccessful. I think I am spending too much time dwelling on whether or not I will be understood the way I would like to be. Then is occurred to me- does it really matter if someone I do not know understands me or not? And the answer is no, it does not. If anyone reading this has anything to say that they feel would help me please, please, please say something. Bad or good- at this point it does not really matter. I just want to feel better. I want to feel whole again. I cannot go another moment feeling this nasty feeling inside- I desperately need for it to go away. On that note here I go…
I have taken the time to read through many of these threads to try and gain an understanding of the Poly Lifestyle, and I believe I have. There are just a few things that I have a problem coming to terms with.
I understand that not ONE person is able to fully complete another person in every way that they need. That is why people have friends, brothers, sisters, mother, father so on and so forth. Each individual person in your life creates a different dynamic that you want in your life and or need in your life.
I also understand that a person has the ability to love more than one person at one given time.
Here is my dilemma. I do not want to be loved equally. My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary. I have never been in this type of relationship before and I hate that I am feeling this way. I am terrified that she is going to take my place or worse take him completely. I am terrified that him having love for someone else equals less love for me because now she has some. Was I not enough for him that he needs someone else? I am not Poly so I do not understand. I do not get how a person could love more than one person at one time. And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here. I cant seem to shake the thought that if I was the “right” person for him he ultimately wouldn’t “want” another. So there for he does not really love me- I find myself thinking well if he wants to spend time with her it’s because he would rather be with her than me… ie choosing her over me. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Not being enough of a woman to “keep” her man. I feel like shit to be honest. I do not want to feel this way, and the negative thoughts are ALL consuming and they just get worse and worse and they are creating a rift in my relationship.
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…