Welcome to the world of Jenniffer Wardell, author of “Beast Charming," "Fairy Godmothers, Inc," "Fighting Sleep" and more. It's a place where fantasy runs smack into reality (after which they both exchange business cards and hope no one calls the insurance company). Perfect for fans of Terry Pratchett and Mercedes Lackey's "500 Kingdoms" series.

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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Supervillain Don’ts #2: Complicated Death Gadgets

It’s time to get
back to that complicated wheel of death, or any of the other ludicrously
complicated mechanisms that supervillains repeatedly use in their attempts to
slaughter heroes. Though their popularity has been on decline since the 70s and
80s, there are still plenty of our villainous brothers and sisters who still have
visions of enormous swinging blades and times flamethrowers dancing through
their heads.

I understand the
appeal. Rube Goldberg machines that kill are both hilarious and are a great way
to display how fiendishly clever you are. They’re a perfect place to use your
ominous music soundtrack, and it gives a death scene a bit more flare than the
traditional stabbing or shooting. If you’ve chosen to be a themed villain – The
Evil Cheeseman, for example (though please, don’t take that as a suggestion) –
you can construct a device that matches your theme.

There is, however,
a fatal flaw in such devices – the more moving parts something has, the more
ways it can disastrously break down. It’s
the same fatal flaw that comes with most of the basic technology in our lives,
though there isn’t usually someone whose life depends on making sure your
television doesn’t work (unless your family really hates your taste in TV
shows).

The more
complicated a method you use to kill the hero, the more opportunities they have
to throw one last gasp of their powers (or, for that matter, a rock) in just
the right place to bring the whole thing to a screeching halt. Or worse, send
it crumbling into a big heap that will injure five or six minions in the process.

The hero will
sadly, always know where these spots are – either they will be hiding an engineering
degree/basic scientific genius you know nothing about, or they will be blessed
with an incredibly annoying level of luck that will guide the rock right where
it needs to go. Even if you shield the spot – hiding it behind thick metal
shielding, for example – the hero will be able to reflect the rock in such a
manner that feels as though the universe is conspiring against you.

Another advantage
that complicated death devices give the hero is time. Spinning blades and
flamethrowers are designed to strike fear into the hero’s heart long before
something actually comes along to chop that heart in half – what’s the point of
all the show, otherwise? But shows take time, which gives the hero a few
precious seconds, minutes, or (in the most complicated devices) hours to come
up with a plan to escape and stop your current wicked plot.

The simplest
solution to all this is to simply shoot the hero in the head once you have him
imprisoned (chest shots are also acceptable, though it will increase the chance
of the hero miraculously surviving). If you need to show off your device of
death, send the hero’s corpse through, then gather your minions together so you
have an appreciative audience.