HAPPY FAKE FRIDAY! This is one of my favourite office friendly “I really want to go out and get proper para” looks, from Viktor and Rolf. The neutral colour palette blends in well with the walls in my office, there’s a cheeky flash of thigh for that ‘these shorts are really very desk-sex compatible’ look that I always favour on a Friday (it tends to distract from my counting-down-the-minutes facial expression). The ruffles also really hide the fact I have no tits, which sometimes gives me a very ladyboy-esque look on the whole, which is why the heels are so perfect. The gloves are also a favourite feature of mine as they save me getting 4am nightbus McDonalds under my nails. WIN WIN!

Here’s a rundown of this season’s 10 most booked catwalkers for AW13. Unsurprisingly, they’re all white, and it would seem that ‘blank canvas’ was very much the casting trend. A good turn for British models, with one girl in the top five (hay Sam), and also an amazing season for two of my favourite girls, Tilda Lindstam and Kel Markey. Tilda seems to be getting a fair bit of flak for taking the top spot, accusations of “basicness” are being thrown around (which seems ridiculous as compared to some of the others in the top 10 she’s basically Giselle), but in terms of fitting in with the theme this season she’s ‘plain’ enough to be versatile in any look, but she’s not a total no-mark, there’s definitely something special about her. She’s not classically beautiful, but she’s also not scary-quirky and there is definitely a place in fashion for “pretty” rather than DROP DEAD STUNNING girls. Look at the difference between Kate Moss compared to Naomi Campbell, for example, you can’t say they’re not both iconic looking, but for totally different reasons. It’ll be interesting to see how many campaigns the top 10 get, I’m really hoping Julia Nobis gets a few, I love an androgynous model and the fact that she’s not androgynous in an overtly sexual way (e.g Andrej Pejic, Erika Linder et al) could be really interesting for campaigns. Anyway, here’s the top 10 bitches cashing cheques this season.

I had a week off work, and somehow this turned into a week off from life in general, hence no posts. Anyway, the important issue here is Rad Hourani’s new unisex collection. I’m a big fan of Hourani in general, you know me, I’ve yet to meet a black androgynous look I didn’t like, but this new collection is a little bit special. The new collection, Unisex Couture, is only his ninth since launching in 2007, and features everything that is good in the world – a no-colour colour palette of black, white and grey, origami cuts and structured layering. Mmm, child. There’s a brilliant line on his website – “NO GENDER, NO SEASON, NO RULES”, which is also my attitude to my sex life. Bdum, tish.

“I STARTED IMAGINING CLOTHES THE SAME WAY I STARTED CREATING IMAGES: WITH A SENSE OF CURIOSITY AND INNOCENCE DRIVEN BY MY NO-BACKGROUND BACKGROUND. NO SCHOOL. NO TEACHERS. NO TELLY. NO BOUNDARIES. NO FORMATTING. I LIKE THE IDEA OF A WORLD THAT WE COULD LIVE AND SHAPE BY OURSELVES, ONLY BY OBSERVING. EACH OUR OWN. MY CLOTHES HAVE ERUPTED FROM THIS WORLD OF MINE. THEY ARE ASEXUAL, ASEASONAL, THEY COME FROM NO PLACE, NO TIME, NO TRADITION, YET THEY COULD BE HOME ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. THEY EXUDE A SENSE OF DISCREET CHIC, THE ESSENCE OF TIMELESS STYLE, DRAWN ON A MONOCHROMATIC AND GRAPHICAL CANVAS. PALETTE OF BLACKS AND SHADES OF TIMELESS COLORS. SOPHISTICATED UNISEX MODERN CLASSICS FOR ANTI-CONFORMIST INDIVIDUALS.” – RAD HOURANI

Ahhh bonjour ma petite tasse! Regardez-vous ma blog post de Paris Fashion Week! As you can tell, I’m basically fluent in French, it’s one of my many talents. For those not as clever as me at French, here’s a round-up of the sartorial offerings from Paris Fashion Week.

STOP. BALMAIN TIME! An 80s wipe-clean wonderland, Balmain was every theatrical tin-foil fashion hope and more, we have Balmain in at my work all the time, can’t wait to try and shoe-horn myself into the amazing waistcoat outfit on the right, rip it, and be evicted because I can’t pay for it. ASPIRATIONAL!

Balmain

Alexander Wang’s much anticipated first collection since his controversial appointment at Balenciaga. And it wasn’t horrible. It’s still very much Wang-esque (not a word I’ll use again, promise) but with undeniable Christobal influence. I liked it, it’s a nice return to the classic, clean Balenciaga, rather than the ultra modernism Ghesquiere brought with his metal leggings/Egyptofunk/riding hats etc, which I loved, but I don’t think Wang could have followed on from or replicated in the same vein without it looking like some kind of shit Project Runway ~modernism~ challenge.

Balenciaga

Sacai

I know leather panelling has been done over and over and over, but I want this, all of this, and variations of this, forever.

Neil Barrett

Really enjoying the Brave New World/Handmaid’s Tale minimal ~dystopian sexuality~ here, and how could I not love the wimple. I’m all about a wimple. I’m not ususally a huge fan of Mugler, but the simplicity, and the murky blue with crisp white, speaks to my inner future gimp.

Mugler

Manish Arora

Kenzo

Jean-Charles de Castelbajac

Each season Givenchy is usually my go-to, but the disparity between the menswear (99% of the time, amazing) and the womenswear (67% of the time, amazing) starts to show more and more. I love the floral leather biker and the quilted bomber, super, but the random sequinned arm? The cheap ill-fitting mesh? The shiny polka-dots? This both confuses and upsets me.

Givenchy

These are my dream outfits until I’m thin enough to slip under my office door, rather than walking through it. Probably not very practical day to day (getting closed in bus doors, dropping Tesco Value lasagne down yourself, cycling – all trials I face daily) but commanding and beautiful all the same. I do miss the structured, body-con Pugh of olde, but a shift in silhouette hasn’t lost the dark drama he’s built his brand on.

Gareth Pugh

Felipe Oliviera Baptista

Devastee

Acne

Yohji Yamamoto

I’m not ususally a fan of Valentino, not nearly enough black, leather or androgyny for me, but this china plate-esque collection has reminded me that I AM A GIRL, HERE ME SQUEAL!

Valentino

Do you feel dizzy? Disorientated? It might be to do with Yves Saint Laurent spinning so hard in his grave that the Earth is turning faster than usual. #SOFTGRUNGELAURENT HAS STRUCK AGAIN. Hedi’s latest collection (and we know how much I enjoyed his last menswear offering) has been met with a resounding NON from critics, and rightly so. His access to the Topshop throw-out must be STOPPED.

Saint Laurent Paris

This season marks Claire Wright Keller’s fourth at the helm of Chloe, and it’s definitely her best yet. Probably my favourite collection from Paris, simple and minimal with great tailoring and a perfect colour palette.

Chloe

Chloe

Who invented the tartan laundry bag? Has anyone got his email? He’s definitely been ripped off at Celine. Blatant plagiarism aside, Celine was it’s usual super self, a really nice palette and pleasing oversized yet tailored shapes (so excited to put on 15 stone before winter and be able to shop at Celine rather than Millets!).

London is the fashion week I look forward to the most. Generally offering the most diversity, originality and an over-arching sense of fun without being trashy, London’s rich fashion history has solidified our place as one of the leading fashion cities of the world. This season however, was a colossal let down. Individually, there were some really nice looks (hayyyy Louise Gray, Peter Pilotto) but overall, everything just felt flat, mature and, worst of all, sensible. Tones were muted and hemlines were long, there were variations on themes that have been exhausted seasons before. Has London finally run out of ideas or has the eternally young London girl finally grown up for good? Here’s the best of a bad season: