This Old Man Got a F

Don't get a F, the chances of you dreaming about failing a test are close to zilch.

As the teacher passed out our report cards, he said “It has been a pleasure teaching you all. But today will be the last day that you all are in a classroom. I hope you all have a good college in mind, just promise me one thing. Don’t be a lard can scraper at Nacho’s Bells.” He glanced at me when he was saying that, with a look of fear that I would somehow jump up and strangle him mercilessly. The whole class but me erupted into laughter. My eyes widened in horror as I looked down at my report card. English F-, Biology F-, American History F-, Trigonometry F-, and Ethics F-! Basically everything were “F-”s (If you laughed at that, try reading it out loud.). Down at the bottom it said “We urge that this child gets prepared for a repulsive life. He has a criminal record for trying to murder a fellow peer with a kitchen knife. As luck would have it the police managed to fry him with three hundred volts with their tasers before he could do anything life-threatening. That person, ‘Sting’ now has only one and a half fingers. Erik also threw a teacher out of a 2nd level building, the teacher did not press charges. He sustained minor injuries. Erik’s life looks bleak and he cannot repeat this grade. He must drop out of high school.” There were the signatures of the principal, vice principal, and the superintendent of the school district below it all confirming the my worst fears. I dashed out of the classroom faster than a deer being pursued by the letter F holding a minus sign when the bell rung. I jammed my report card into my bag, and headed straight towards the river.

Once I reached the river, I chucked my backpack to the ground. I looked around, the river stood straight in front of me. On the far side of the river there were immense, giant, pine trees, with birds chirping happily within the protection of the trees which stood like guardians of the river. I spread my arms out and leaned forward, getting ready to fall to my cold death. I felt a hand on my shoulder, then a person saying “I wouldn't do that if I were you Erik.” I whipped around and delivered a wheel kick to the person's head. He grabbed it and twisted it sideways. I howled in pain and fell to the ground. Without even thinking, I swept him to the floor and hopped back up, wincing as my foot twisted. I gasped as I saw my dad. “Gosh, who did ya think it was? Somebody trying to mug ya?” my dad asked.

“I thought you were reality again. It mugged me twice already...” I mumbled. I helped him up by offering a hand. He took it and hopped back to his feet.

“Anyway, lemme cut to the chase here. I am so frigging angry at you.” he said nonchalantly while dusting the dirt off his pants. He didn’t sound angry at all.

“Why?” I asked, even though I already knew it was about the report card.

“Just go home, and I’ll talk about it tomorrow.” he sighed. My dad is the kind of guy that likes to push things till a later date, like twenty years from now.

I gulped and said “Okay”. I took a detour to my girlfriend's house. My dad went off to go to some kind of bingo club or something. I rang the doorbell, and nobody answered, so I let myself in using the “secret” key under her doormat. As I walked into her living room, I saw her with Sting, my archenemy I couldn’t help but laugh at his one and a half fingers. Sting and Iris were cuddled up nice and all. I pretended not to see Sting. “So, what’s up Iris?” I asked.

She stared at me. “Get out of my house. Now.” she said very kindly.

“Is that anyway to treat your 'former' boyfriend?” I pouted.

“Get out or I will call the police Erik.” She threatened.

I backed away fear clearly showing in my eyes. She actually has called the police before. I ran back home and oddly, I didn't cry or anything. It might have been because my friend said that I would be her 56th boyfriend. I trudged back home, and slammed the door shut. I made myself a sandwich and gulped it down with one bite. I went to bed, this time taking no detours. I flopped down on my bed and went straight to sleep.

I found myself on the streets of the Big Apple. It was winter, hail was everywhere. I saw a homeless guy walking down the street. He looked really raggedy and tires, and seemed as if he wouldn't make it through the winter. I saw him trip and yelp as he fell face flat on the pavement something was leaking out of his mouth. I gasped. After a while, two people came up. “Har, har har. This old fella couldn't make it, Eh?” the first guy said.

“Yah” the second guy said.

“Hmm, let’s see what’s in here...” the first guy said curiously.

“Yah” the second guy said

“Well, well, look at what I found Bill!” the first guy said.

“Yah Steve.” Bill exclaimed with a lot of enthusiasm.

“It says ‘Erik, born 1991’, just an ID card.” Steve said.

“Poor guy lived for only 20 years yah.” Bill said coolly.

“Look at what he’s clutching! Oh, only a report card of some sort. Wow, he got all 'F-'s. Even I didn’t do this bad, I got all ‘C+’ and you got C+ to right?” Steve cackled.

“Yah.” Bill said.

I almost fainted as I realized that it was me who just died. I would only have two years left in me if I continued like this. With this thought, I came back to the real world greeted by a sound grenade. BBLEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! My alarm shrieked. I grabbed my alarm clock and chucked it out the window. The neighbor's dog yelped in protest and pain. I grumbled, and stumbled downstairs. “Hey Erik, ready for your test?” my dad said. “Hnnnn...... What..... Test....” I grumbled. “The test that determines your entire grade for the school year!” my dad replied a bit too excited. Weird, I took the test yesterday... again, realization snuck up on me and mugged me again hopefully for the last time. That was all a dream. With a bright mind thanking whoever it was that gave me a second chance, I skipped all the way to school like a happy boy.

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