The brain-eating amoebas are not visible in this view of the Mississippi River.

ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST PARISH, Louisiana -- Officials assured citizens that there is no reason to worry about the discovery of brain-eating amoebas in the parish water supply, which serves 12,577 people in three towns.

Louisiana State Health Officer Jimmy Guidry stated that the water is still safe to drink. He said, "When water goes 'down the hatch,' you see, it is headed away from the brain."

But Mr. Guidry advised swimmers not to let water go up their noses, as that way is straight toward the brain. Swimmers should dogpaddle rather than use the breaststroke, and competitive divers should hold their noses when jumping, rather than strive for the maximum number of style points. People should not tell nor listen to jokes while drinking tap water, as unusually good ones might send it up the nose. In addition, tourists who think it would be neat to receive a baptism in St. John the Baptist Parish might think again. Mr. Guidry suggests it would be wise to detour to nearby Beelzebub the Reaper Parish.

The Health Department does not know where the amoebas came from, but does know that the water supply did not have the level of chlorine disinfectant it was required to have. That meant that "contamination from Naegleria fowleri was a possibility" — as well as being a certainty.

The water system will be flushed with extra high levels of chlorine for 60 days. Mr. Guidry said that the water will remain drinkable, and that citizens who do not like drinking Clorox can rest easy that they are not drinking brain-eating amoebas, which will be true, in 60 days. Water-drinkers who have seizures, altered mental status, hallucinations and slip into a coma can dial 911 to receive additional useful information from authorities.

In related news, federal officials assured citizens that there is no reason to worry about ISIL capturing Iraq and Syria, sawing off the heads of Christians, and declaring it intends to attack Great Britain and the United States next.