A Woman's Dictionary

Fine

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they
feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

Five minutes

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
women feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing

"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside-out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead [1] (raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission; it's a dare!
If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset
over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with
the word "Fine".

Go Ahead [2] (normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, either. It means
"I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised
eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men A "Loud Sigh" means she
thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

Soft Sigh

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope
that the moment will last a bit longer.

Oh

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me
get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out
the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a
lie Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts SO unspeakable that I
can't bring myself to write about them.)

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised
eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some
mighty big trouble

Please Do

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving
you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other
words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this
correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks" A
woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is
usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her
in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh,"
as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Thanks again to Patricia Spring for sending us
these. The gift certificate is in the [e-]mail!

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