Friday, May 1, 2015

I am kind of an expert on getting older.

Every morning, on the morning news program we watch, they interview an "expert." Sometimes a doctor, nutritionist, or other clearly defined, documentable authority. Once in a while the expert is a little more vague, and a little less clinical, maybe a "transportation specialist," from a local school district, or a "home improvement generalist" from a hardware store. People whose credentials might not prove to be so expensive, and time consuming to attain.

It has driven me, consumed me, I need to become an expert. But, at what? That is the question that has haunted me, woke me at night, troubled my waking hours. At what task can I be considered an expert?

Parenting is something that has taken a toll on me for the last twenty years. But, my wife does most of the heavy lifting when it comes to raising our children (thank God). I have really been more of a babysitter, a really fun babysitter to be sure, but not really an expert Father. Not even an expert babysitter. More of a sub-novice, who can warm pizza rolls and macaroni and cheese all while holding an Xbox controller, and getting beaten very soundly by both sons at whatever game we were playing, which eliminates expert gamer.

Then, in a flash of brilliance, in a blinding, white hot, fireball of advanced reasoning it hit me. I am going to become an expert on aging.

Everyday, I get a little older, or less young, if you prefer. And, I do it pretty well, too, if you ask me. I can even do it while sleeping, or watching tv. In fact, I am an authority on getting older. And when interviewed on the Morning News I will help everybody get older, too.

"So, Tim, what advice do you have for people who might be thinking about getting older?" They will ask.

"Bob, (you don't mind if I call you Bob, do you?) I would tell them they should go ahead and get older, it is a great decision. In fact, four out five doctors recommend that their patients get older, regularly."

"Well, Tim, my name is Mike, so I would prefer if you call me Mike. What steps should people follow if they want to get older?"

"Oh, sorry about that, Jeff, my mistake, If people are serious about aging, and I am, they should remember to breath, all the time. Well, maybe not when they are underwater, but most of the rest of the time. Of course, if you are really keen on getting older, Bill, you will try not to be underwater anymore than absolutely essential, possibly never."

"Well, Marcia, thanks for the wonderful insight, our viewers will be dying to live longer now that you have explained how."

"You are very welcome, Jane."

There is a lot more advice, so stay tuned to my new blog, Life Explained, explains aging.