It’s been a tough few days. Thursday it finally happened, the thing I knew was coming but dreading. I honestly was not expecting it to hit me as hard as it did.

John Doe got married.

I actually almost cried. If I hadn’t been at work upon learning of his marriage that day, I probably would have cried a little, before getting a grip. Instead, I just laughed at everything. I was so upset, and to try and not cry, laughing was the only other thing.

I fucking knew he would marry this girl- the girl he left me for. When they had their first baby boy in 2013, I was upset- they got pregnant within six months of him “leaving” me.

They had their second baby boy almost two months ago now. I didn’t know they were pregnant again, until like a month before she was due. I wasn’t really upset this time, just surprised. Their first boy had only just turned a year old, and now, a newborn.

It wasn’t like I was holding onto hope of us ever getting back together. I’ve known it was over since I saw the first picture of them together a month after the last time I saw him.

But he’s married now.

It seems so much more…final. I don’t know.

I felt like an idiot. I still do, because when I think about it, it still hurts. I still feel so sad, heartbroken.

I blame my emotional reaction on my pregnancy hormones. And on the fact I’ve been depressed the past couple of weeks. I go through bouts of depression fairly often it seems, and considering this month is the month my brother would have turned 8, but also the same month he died 8 years ago, it’s been rough.

That paragraph could probably use a rewrite, but screw it.

He’s finally married. And I’m still trying to convince myself that no matter what I did or said would have kept him. We just weren’t meant to be.

Will I ever find someone who makes me feel like he did, or is the feeling of first love never copied again?

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10 Comments

No matter what’s going on in your life, the ex getting married is always hard. I remember when mine did, I had been married for 6 months, and it was still a tough day… I joked about wedding crashing all day. It’s hard, but there is someone out there for you.

I’ve been there, it sucks. But someday someone will come along and make you forget all about him. I was the same age you are going through the same thing (except pregnancy) and I know one thing for sure it will get better.