Send me email updates about messages I've received
on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.By signing up, you certify that
you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

How should we approach this?

Recently my 14 year old son was punched in the stomach (pretty hard) by a girl (there were witnesses). His father and I have always told him that unless a female is coming at him with some sort of weapon and is trying to hurt him, he is to walk away. Other than that, there is never an acceptable reason to hit a girl. However, how is he supposed to feel when she hit him first? If she would have slapped him in the face, should we still insist that he walk away? We have explained to and talked to him about dating and domestic violence and that it can be on both parts, but I don't want him to be bullied by this girl either. I know this might sound like a stupid question, but I am simply looking for advice. No bashing please.

If a girl is able to dish it out, she better be able to take it. I have taught my sons that they are never to hit a girl - unless she hits him first. I've also taught them that if she hits him first, they do not need to beat the crap out of her. Just one hit to make clear that he won't take her bullsh*t, and put her in her place. To make her understand that being a girl does not make her immune to getting back what she gives.

I understand why boys are taught not to hit girls (the whole being bigger, stronger, etc.), but I think some people take it too far and end up teaching their girls that boys can never hit back and therefore they can just beat the crap out of boys and get away with it. That's no more right than a boy hitting a girl first.

did this happen at school? if so address it there and then tell him, she hits you again and there are witnessed you knock her on her ass
he doesnt have to hit to do that just push her ass down. If that doesnt sto it then I he can hit. Funlovin is right if it continues he needs to defend himself.

no boy should hit a girl first but no girl has the right to hit a boy either.

If he doesn't want to hit this girl, I wouldn't encourage him to even in self defense (unless she's got a weapon). I think his friend did the right thing alerting the rink staff. I do think if she came at him again (esp. on skates ) he should push her away...HARD! By 14 no one should be hitting anyone.

Were the staff at the skating rink alerted? Did any adults see what happened? I'm sure your son doesn't want to be a snitch, but it sounds like this girl is starting to get out of hand. I agree with the others, and especially if she's on skates, your son would be within his rights to give her a push and knock her on her ass. If the police get involved, boy or girl won't make any difference; it's all about who swings first.

I'd say talk to him about the whole situation, and deal with the interaction as a whole (not just the punching.)
Other kids saying what they saw is all well & good for establishing who hit first or who did/didn't hit, but what was the interaction? This was an unprovoked (out of nowhere, unexplained & inexplicable) punch in the stomach? Or what?

Talk to him about it.

I also think that addressing how to respond to a physical attack (including now--how do you proceed?) is an appropriate response & helps put to rest the issue of whether or not refraining from hitting back is "doing nothing." If you DO respond in some way, you're NOT "doing nothing." Focusing on how it's OK to hit back in certain circumstances, then grappling with whether or not that idea is even valid, means that you are ignoring other potential responses.

Why assume that "hitting back" is a main way to respond & focus primarily on trying to codify it?

I was in an abusive relationship where the guy beat the crap out of me on a daily basis, just because he felt like it. While I would never encourage a male to hit a female, there is a difference between him beating her up, and him defending himself. There is often a double standard that seems to make it out like it's ok for a female to be the aggressor & the male is supposed to just stand there & take it, because he's the male. While I don't promote violence of any kind, I def. think any male who is being physically bullied or hit in anyway has every right to defend himself. Is there anyway that you can contact this girls parents? W/ the video evidence would you be able to press charges on her? I'm sorry he's having to deal w/ this! Truly is a messed up & difficult situation & I wish you the best.