Throwback Thursday: Lizzie McGuire

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Once upon a time, in 2002, little tween-aged Pearls used to come home from school, order the housekeeper to slice up some celery, and totally veg out in front of the tv to the best show the Disney Channel had to offer: Lizzie McGuire.

For those of you who don’t remember, (get off the site, you’re like 10 years old), Lizzie McGuire was the epic sitcom of the early 2000’s, featuring Hilary Duff and her bangs in the title role, as she navigated the difficulties of middle school, younger siblings, and parents who probably needed the dosage of their medication changed.

Lizzie was actually pretty fabulous, if you think about it. She had her BFF, Miranda, and her token gay friend, Gordo (who I guess technically wasn’t gay, but he might as well have been because he was such a pussy for staying in the friend zone all those years). She had a super-bitch frenemy and a set of total psychos for parents. I know she might have seemed a little nerdy, but she was actually pretty cute and she was really fucking funny for a 12-year-old on a Disney show.

L. McG was epic because it’s my first memory of having a conflict of conscious. I usually tend to align myself with characters like Liz’s arch nemesis, Ashley (I love a girl that gives good bitch face), but for some reason, I really liked Lizzie as a person. Damn you, Disney staff writers. That’s right, Lizzie McGuire inspired me to stop being such a bitch in the realm of my junior high cafeteria and learn that there may be decent people in the world outside of my immediate circle of friends. When it comes down to it, I can credit Hilary Duff’s character for a lot. She taught me you can’t always judge a book by its cover, or weird hair, or questionably loud fashion choices, or bizarre middle school friends.

I also think it’s worth noting that Lizzie McGuire was the last decent show before the decline of Disney Channel shows took place. Gone were the days of Boy Meets World, and super lame (but awesome) original movies that didn’t actually suck that bad. The conclusion of Lizzie McGuire ushered in a new era of weird shows starring certain “celebrities” who would later wind up in rehab, and then as judges on X-Factor

Lizzie was just a lost little soul who couldn’t get her shit together, and she didn’t even have to deal with the complications of alcohol, or recruitment, or losing her v-card. Can you imagine what a disaster she would have been if the show had continued into her later years? I can just picture schizo Lizzie’s cartoon alter ego-mimicking the consequences of taking that last shot and going home with the semi-creepy junior at the bar. I guess that’s a disaster we’ll never get to enjoy.