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Friday, October 15, 2010

For most of us, that word brings to mind two things. The popular cartoon, obviously, but also when Family Guy did it's hysterical parody of it by using "smurf" as a verb describing sexual acts done to Smurfette. If you're not familiar with the latter, I strongly suggest checking it out. And if you aren't familiar with the former, then you're either from another country, or blind. In either case, good luck with the rest of this...

Hilarious!

Now when I was researching the history of the word Smurf, those were the two most popular hits. Anything to do with the show, and a bunch of references to the Family Guyskit. Oh and a bunch of definitions on Urban Dictionary that mostly involved a prominent piece of the male anatomy being graciously moved across one's face. But that was to be expected. You can type pretty much any noun into Urban Dictionary and get that type of definition. You don't even wanna know what it means "to Tivo" someone means...

Delicious?

But this week, thanks to the good people at CVS and the industrious meth cooks in California, a new definition of the word "Smurf" has worked it's way into the public lexicon. Apparently "to Smurf", in terms of the production of methamphetamines, is to buy cold pills for a meth cook because they aren't allowed to. And a popular arrangement is that the "Smurf" pays for the pills, and then gets a cut of the profit or a portion of the product. Pretty much everyone involved comes out a winner. The meth cook gets to cook more meth, which is always a good time until they blow up their trailer. And the "Smurf" gets a great return on their investment, whether it be in their pocket or up their nasan, And then I win a 3rd time when they all become part of some documentary I'll watch 10 years from now. So it's a great system, really. Quite ingenious in a Kevin Pittsnogle sort of way...

So what does any of this have to do with picking football games you ask? Not a whole lot to be honest. It was just that when I heard how the word "Smurf" was being used in conjunction with meth, I thought that was hilarious. As most things involving meth tend to be. And the rest just sort of wrote itself. So here we are...

I better hope I have a smurfin' week, though. I've been gettin' smurfed in the smurf the last few weeks, and if I don't turn it around, people are gonna start to think I'm a smurfin' Ted. That's right. Ted NEVER loses, not even to smurf. Ted is a constant...

So enjoy the picks, you smurfin' Teds. And good luck...

Week 6 Picks

The inspiration for my fantasy basketball team "Stevie Olajuwon"

New York Giants (-8) vs Detroit Lions

Before I heard the words "smurf" and "meth" used in the same sentence, this week's theme was going to be something along the lines of "teams with a chance to be elite". And for me, as unlikely as it may have seemed just a few weeks back, the conversation begins with the New York Giants. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there actually are any elite teams in the NFL, and I had planned on getting more into that (stupid smurf meth), but G-Men would definitely be a team I'd have fully ensconced in that top tier of potential candidates coming into this week...

The Lions are coming of a thrashing of St. Louis, but that game was over before it started. The Giants don't figure to be nearly as accommodating. They're far from a "complete team", but they are as close as it gets right now. They bring a lot of pressure on defense, and have great play makers on offense. Namely the man pictured above, whose quickly blossoming into one of the league's best...

As long as New York doesn't take this game for granted (and I think the fact Detroit won by more than 30 last week should help them focus), I don't see any reason why they shouldn't control this one from start to finish. Not a blowout, but a comfortable win. Ya know, by more than 10 points...

Pittsburgh Steelers (-13.5) vs Cleveland Browns

With the return of Ben Roethlisberger, the Steelers have a prime opportunity to enter the ranks of the elite themselves. They've gone 3-1 without him, and get a match up with Colt McCoy and the Browns in Pittsburgh upon his return. A win alone won't convince me their elite, but if they cover this number that would certainly go a long towards making their case. Cuz let's be honest. This is a big number, and the Steelers don't tend to blow people out. Then again, it's Colt freaking McCoy...

Atlanta Falcons (+3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

The shadiest of the potentially elite teams is definitely the Atlanta Falcons. Thanks in large part to an opening weekend loss to what had been deemed a lesser Pittsburgh team, Atlanta has more or less flown under the radar in winning their next 4. Granted, those wins having exactly been against the best of the NFL, but nonetheless their performance has been impressive and consistent. IF they move to 5-1, with a win @ a banged up Philly under their belts, they'll be right in the conversation as one of the league's best. Oh and that's why I'm betting against the Eagles. Not because I loathe the city of Philadelphia, but mostly because they're just not running a peak efficiency right now. Vick or no Vick...

New England Patriots (-2.5) vs Baltimore Ravens

Foxboro last year in the playoffs. They lose? Well, then they lose the game. Never good. And I know that the Patriots are favored, but the # tells you it's ONLY because they're at home (you "get" 3 points for being at home). NOT because they've been necessarily deemed the better team...

And the Ravens are better, at least right now, but the Patriots have two things going in their favor that I feel are going to put them over the top. 1) They're coming off their bye. Always a good thing. AND 2) They have revenge on their mind having been so thoroughly embarrassed at home by the same team less than a year ago. Lots of rest, and lots of motivation. That's a combination I'll take more often than not...

Notice I didn't say NOT having Randy Moss would make the Patriots a better team? Yeah, because it won't. They'll be a knee jerk reaction the likes you've never seen no matter what the Patriot offense does this week, but I think in the long run it will prove out his loss makes the offense less explosive, but more efficient. Either way, it's this defense that's going to determine how far this Patriot team goes, and for this week I like them to get just enough done on that side of the ball to edge past the Ravens. And NOT letting Ray Rice take 1 to the house on the first play of the game would be a good start...

Chicago Bears (-6.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

People thought the Bears might be elite a few weeks back, but then Jay Cutler got his bell rung by the Giants and it all seemed to be headed for disaster. But never fear. A home game against the Seahawks is just what Mr. Pibb ordered. Logic will tell you that Chicago should be able to run the ball and control the clock with Matt Forte, but more or less, I'm just picking the Bears because I ALWAYS pick against Seattle when they're on the road. Oddly enough it's the one trend that seems to work out for me...

...or at least it did, til I just jinxed it. Eh, either way. Might as well go all out. Da Bears, for the second week in a row, are my LOCK OF THE WEEK. Do me proud, boys. And by "proud", I mean "bite Pete Carroll on the face". And by "boys", I naturally mean "Julius Peppers"...

New York Jets (-3.5) @ Denver Broncos

I went out of my way to say that the Jets weren't elite before the season began, and while I still haven't fully come around, I have to give some credit where credit is due. And that will begin and end with me picking them to beat a dinged up Broncos team in the thin air over at Mile High...

What" I'd say that's respect. They are, after all, a road favorite coming off a Monday Night game. If I were going strictly by trends, I'd have to pick against them. So that's a lot of respect, if you ask me...

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+4.5) vs New Orleans Saints

We all thought the Saints would be an elite squad, but so far things haven't exactly panned out. Tampa's coming off an impressive road win, and they're a surprising 3-3 overall in their last 6 against the Saints. There's always the chance that Drew Brees just picks apart the less than stellar Buccaneer secondary, but that's more of a possibility this year. As opposed to the probability of it happening in the not so recent past...

Miami Dolphins (+2.5) @ Green Bay Packers

When Aaron Rodgers went down with a concussion at the end of Green Bay's game with Washington last week, the Packer season, and more importantly the fate of my fantasy team, seemed to be hanging in the balance. IT caused me to hedge my bets, by trading away the underachieving Greg Jennings, just in case things went south really fast. So, needless to say, that means Rodgers is going to hook up with Jennings for at least 2 touchdowns (probably 3) this week when he and the Pack play host to the Miami Dolphins. They'll still fall short against a rested Miami squad, but it's gonna happen...

As for the rest of this week, I like Houston to run it down KC's throat, San Diego to continue to mystify, and Oakland to pull an outright win in the Battle of the Bay. And I would NEVER pick that Indy/Washington game if I didn't have to...

Houston Texans (-3.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

St. Louis Rams (+8) vs San Diego Chargers

Oakland Raiders (+6.5) @ San Fransisco 49ers

Dallas Cowboys (+1.5) @ Minnesota Vikings

Indianapolis Colts (-3) @ Washington Redskins

Monday Night

Tennessee Titans (-3) @ Jacksonville Jaguars + OVER 43.5

I look at the Titans, and see a dangerous 3-2 team. I look at the Jaguars, and I actually need to check their results to confirm they even are 3-2. But they are, and they sport a win over Indy, so they have to be respected...

That being said, Tennessee is arguably the best road team in the NFL, and their ability to run the ball should put them in a great position to win. Their secondary is suspect, and I expect an inspired Jags offense to take advantage of that, but more so to pad the game total than to keep the game close. Plus, I like the OVER because both teams have the ability to come back and/or trade punches, which could lead to a high scoring second half even if the first half prods along...

Last Week: 7-9-1 (Top Picks: 3-6-0)

Overall: 29-35-2 (.459)

Top Picks: 16-21-1 (.434)

Lock of the Week: 4-3-0

Another big week on the college grid iron, but then again, when isn't it? Unfortunately, I don't have any pics of half nude coeds for you this week. Mostly I got caught up looking for smurf and meth related stuff, but also mostly because I don't have access to the "Girls of the Big 10" edition of Playboy. So instead you get Terrelle Pryor getting run down by a few Wisconsin Badgers. Not a fair trade, I'll admit, but if the Badgers pull off that upset it should more than make up for it. Besides, the thong with the Badger on the crotch really isn't anything anyone is going to want to see anyway...

NCAA Top 25 Picks(18) Wisconsin (+4) vs (1) Ohio St.

(4) TCU (-28) vs BYU

(5) Nebraska (-9.5) vs Texas

(6) Oklahoma (-23) vs Iowa St.

(7) Auburn (-3.5) vs (12) Arkansas

(8) Alabama (-21) vs Mississippi

(10) South Carolina (-5) @ Kentucky

Illinois (+7.5) @ (13) Michigan St.

(15) Iowa (-3.5)@ Michigan

(20) Oklahoma St. (+3.5) @ Texas Tech

(21) Missouri (+3.5) @ Texas A&M

(22) Florida (-7.5) vs Mississippi St.

San Diego St. (+1)vs (23) Air Force

Washington (+1) vs (24) Oregon St.

Last Week: 4-4-0

Overall:34-27-2 (.556)

So there you have it, you crazy mother smurfers. I know it seems I may have gone off the deep end, basing my picks on smurfs and meth, but hopefully my results will restore your faith in my sanity. And if not, then I'm sure I'll figure out some other cartoon and drug inspired picks to WOW you with next week...