TV round-up: Celebrity Big Brother and Brief Encounters

YOU know where you are with Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 5, daily).

The first guest was panto legend Christopher Biggins, or simply “Biggins” (right)

You know where you are with Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 5, daily). Almost proudly, the channel announced it has “highly offensive language and nudity from the start”, at which point millions postponed switching over for five minutes. They were to be disappointed.

The first guest was panto legend Christopher Biggins, or simply “Biggins”, who arrived on set like a winner. “Welcome to my home,” he said, on entering. The rest of this crowd would be untroubled by their “fame” on Oxford Street.

Most obscure is Frankie, a brother of former Disney star turned pop princess Ariana Grande. Yes, a brother, not even an ex. Trevor, her third cousin once removed, is on the reserve list.

As the introductions continued, hosted by a wonderfully bemused Emma Willis, we could only assume Channel 5 thought it was worth paying money for these “celebrities”.

There was a New York mobster’s wife (a nightmare version of Kim Kardashian) along with a handful of domestic and US “reality” stars who finally thought they’d made it. There may be something in that. One even announced: “Oh, we’ve got the same agent.”

Most amusing was Apprentice runner-up turned Loose Woman Saira Khan who flittered about the house like the “hostess with the mostest”, making sure everybody’s name badge was in place. She would then enquire, “Would you like water or Prosecco?”

CBB 2016 launch night LIVE

Thu, July 28, 2016

See the famous faces who are entering the Celebrity Big Brother house this summer.

My favourite line, however, came from broadcaster James Whale, who showed a refreshing degree of honesty: “I’m going in for a rest and for the money.” I imagine tabloid baddie Grant Bovey, the ex-husband of Anthea Turner, is more interested in the latter.

Just give Penelope Wilton the Bafta now, please. As Brief Encounters (ITV, Monday) powers towards a finale, the former Downton star is giving first-class in this surprising summer hit for ITV. Her reaction to the news – spoiler alert – that her son was also her local bobbie (has its benefits) would have surprised many, but her expression spoke simultaneously of shock, dismay, disbelief and resignation.

How would she resolve all four? The answer was to confront her “son” and tell him that he was wrong about his “mother” and he was not wanted in her life. In short, he’d collared the wrong person.

It also went against her character, which, up until this point, had been a model of generosity. Admittedly she was flummoxed after fleeing a Rotary Club do hosted by Bunny Matlock, her arch rival in Sheffield’s answer to high society.

We’re told Top Gear will undergo “big changes”. I suggest parking it until the audience are actually baying for it to be brought back.

Robot Wars was strangely entertaining. Although I did feel I was watching a CBBC show which had mistakenly found its way on to BBC Two. It’s basically a game you used to play as a child: either with Matchbox cars, Lego or Meccano. Now it’s all high-tech.

They also had silly names like Carbide. Was that sponsorship? I would much prefer them to be called Boris, May, Gove and Dave, and for each politician to hold the remote control. As a version of It’s A Knockout with a spanner in its back pocket, it’s passable.

PH

'Just give Penelope Wilton the Bafta now, please'

We’re told Top Gear will undergo “big changes”. I suggest parking it until the audience are actually baying for it to be brought back.

Robot Wars was strangely entertaining. Although I did feel I was watching a CBBC show which had mistakenly found its way on to BBC Two. It’s basically a game you used to play as a child: either with Matchbox cars, Lego or Meccano. Now it’s all high-tech.

They also had silly names like Carbide. Was that sponsorship? I would much prefer them to be called Boris, May, Gove and Dave, and for each politician to hold the remote control. As a version of It’s A Knockout with a spanner in its back pocket, it’s passable.

Meanwhile Dawn continued her rampage to reinstate her engagement, besieging the butcher’s shop and seizing a customer’s pork chop, which she wielded. The dismayed customer shrieked: “It’s like an episode of Dynasty in here!” It’s better than that.

There were two returning series to BBC Two. The first was Robot Wars (Sunday), which was occupying the Top Gear slot. And the answer to your question is “yes”: it beat Top Gear in the ratings. This was not only because it was a better show. The reason people were returning to this nice, bloke-infused time-slot was because it been vacated by Chris Evans and his happy-clappy car reviewers.

We’re told Top Gear will undergo “big changes”. I suggest parking it until the audience are actually baying for it to be brought back.

Robot Wars was strangely entertaining. Although I did feel I was watching a CBBC show which had mistakenly found its way on to BBC Two. It’s basically a game you used to play as a child: either with Matchbox cars, Lego or Meccano. Now it’s all high-tech.

They also had silly names like Carbide. Was that sponsorship? I would much prefer them to be called Boris, May, Gove and Dave, and for each politician to hold the remote control. As a version of It’s A Knockout with a spanner in its back pocket, it’s passable.

But it’s got nothing on Tipping Point (ITV) for compelling entertainment, as you watch coins edge millimetre by millimetre across your screen. Did its creator train in Guantanamo Bay?

Dragons’ Den (Sunday, BBC2) is with us again, too. Let me summarise for you. It went thus: a gin club, a small pencil, a large bean bag and a boot scraper including water. The idea of this show is for rich entrepreneurs to look down their noses at people in order to drive a hard bargain.

That done, they make them what seems a generous offer after rubbishing either their accounting system, their idea, their marketing or their pitch. You’ve got to love it.

In this episode the Dragons set upon the idea of a family business with pleasing hypocrisy. For one contestant it was a recipe for disaster; for the next, holding the fetching boot scraper, it was wonderful and the reason we all breathe air.

As if by a miracle, the gadget and family appeared on Good Morning Britain (ITV, Monday) the next day. Piers Morgan was so excited I expected him to find a novel use for it. By the way, he’s off now until September, so look upon that as a free holiday. On me.