I choked on my halo, fell to Earth, and met some sailors. Here's what happened next.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

A Typical Monday Morning

I often say that I am not a morning person, and that I simply do not function at any intelligent level during single digit hours. Many of my friends believe this is just an effort on my part to be cute. I'm cute enough. I really couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Therefore, for your approval, I submit the true story of my most recent Monday morning:7:05 Alarm goes off.7:15 Alarm goes off.7:25 Alarm goes off.7:35 Alarm goes off.7:45 Alarm goes off. Get out of bed.7:46 Forget that bed has been moved to new position. Exit bed, crash forehead into wall. Emit copious string of swear words in multiple languages.7:48 Turn on coffeemaker.7:50 Turn on shower.7:51 Brush teeth.7:55 Remember that shower is running. Get into shower.8:10 Exit shower. Retrieve clothing for day, which had been lovingly compiled the previous evening.8:12 Notice that I have shaved my left leg twice and my right leg not at all, meaning that one leg is a gory mess and the other is a maze of stubble.8:16 Compile new outfit, not involving leg exposure. Dress.8:20-8:22 Drink first cup of coffee.8:23-8:26 Apply makeup. Stab self in eye with mascara.8:27 Comb hair. Attempt to subdue hair, which has achieved a ski jump formation on left side.8:30 Give up on hair.8:31 Chug second cup of coffee.8:32 Remove lunch from fridge. Pack bag. Leave apartment.8:33 Return to apartment to retrieve forgotten cell phone.8:35 Return to apartment to retrieve forgotten Metro card.8:36 Return to apartment to retrieve forgotten item which had not, in fact, been forgotten.8:38 Board elevator. Get stuck in elevator.8:40 Band together with fellow passengers to pry open elevator doors. Smush fingers.8:41 Escape elevator. Leave building. Go to work.