Problem solved

Our son has mental health problems. Since their divorce, his ex-wife expects him to look after their son, 13, more and more often. But the boy is objecting – he'd much rather be with his mother. How can I help?

My husband and I are in our late 60s and are worried about our 13-year-old grandson. Our son, 38, has suffered mental ill health since his early teens with quite long periods of stability when he married and had our grandson, and was employed. His marriage collapsed four years ago, triggering his third major breakdown. He has a small ill-health retirement pension, which, combined with disability benefits, means he can survive financially. He has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder and depression. He also has an inherited heart condition.

Despite this, our son is a good father. Our ex-daughter-in-law is glamorous and likes clubbing and socialising. Since their divorce, she and my son have had a difficult relationship. She obviously knows a great deal about our son's illness, but makes increasing demands on him for childcare – especially now he is not working. He does his best to accommodate all these demands and to be a good father.

However, our grandson has only ever really wanted to be with his mother. At our son's flat, he sleeps with his mother's photo under his pillow, which I find disturbing, and phones her several times a day. He is a young 13, timid and underconfident. His friends are all near his mother's home so when he is with my son, he has no schoolfriends nearby.

He has begun to voice aggressively (to our son) objections to the arrangements made for him by his parents, but he is loyal and sensitive and, probably, taking on more responsibility and concerns for his father's sometimes strange and unpredictable behaviour than is right for a child.

We have, over the years, given our son a huge amount of emotional, practical and financial support. My husband has severe disabilities following cancer and a heart condition, and I feel depressed and anxious about the future and how to help our son and grandson.

As a boy, our son was a delight, loving, affectionate and close to me. Now he longs to be independent and resents his need of me. We feel that as our physical and emotional energy is dwindling, our grandson is less likely to continue to accommodate his parents' arrangements and will become more demanding (quite rightly) of his own needs. F, Somerset

Good on your grandson if he starts being more demanding of his own needs. I talked to Neil Austin, consultant child and adolescent psychotherapist at Great Ormond Street hospital, about your situation. Neither he, nor I, think it odd that your grandson sleeps with his mother's photo under his pillow. "It's common to idolise one parent when separated," says Austin. "What the child desperately wants is for the parents to be back together, so your grandson is probably thinking [when he sleeps at his father's]: 'Dad's here, Mum's under the pillow, they're both here.'"

Austin also said your grandson might be "beset with anxiety about losing his mother, either emotionally or physically, or both".

You may see your ex-daughter-in-law as the lesser parent (this was the impression I got from your letter), but to your grandson, she may well be the easier and less stressful option than a father with, as you put it "sometimes strange and unpredictable behaviour". Perhaps he feels he can be more what he is – a 13-year-old boy – at his mum's house than at his dad's. Being sociable and glamorous doesn't make her a bad parent and I wonder if you're really being fair to her.

It would be useful if your son and his ex could attend family therapy to work out how to be effective and responsible parents: they need to work together on this (the Association for Family Therapy; the Association of Child Psychotherapists). Your grandson may also benefit from being able to speak to someone in a place where he can voice his own feelings without fear of how it will affect others.

I can sense how much you want to help, but am left wondering if you have been over-involved in your son's life and have never let him be independent.

Neil Austin also wanted to make sure your son was being properly treated for his illnesses – is he?