I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’

———-

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually ‘

———-

I walked past a stoner kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still here.’

———-

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance,’ with a face like that!

———-

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment.’

———-

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

———-

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

———-

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself…’I’m going to take that.’

———-

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

———-

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

President Obama’s latest “misspeak,” this one concerning Polish death camps, instead of Nazi death camps in Poland, continues the slow-motion train wreck that is his re-election campaign. For all but die-hard, Obama kool-aid drinkers, it’s increasingly obvious the U.S. is led by an ignorant, untalented clown, pushed way past his competence level by liberal white guilt and a compliant media.

The good news is Obama won’t be re-elected. The bad news is that like Jimmy Carter, Obama won’t go away and will continue on the government dole like most of his constituents. The gift of gaffe will certainly try to take over the U.N. and continue plaguing the world with the personal pronoun and promises of light-bringing to the poor and destitute, usually on the American taxpayer’s dime.

Obama has become such a caricature of himself the easiest job in the world is that of White House speechwriter. His use of rhetorical straw-men, the terminal confusion of facts vs fiction, and the worn-out clichés are so obvious and widespread, that I decided to write a speech for the president.

Indeed, I viewed it as my patriotic duty.

David Axelrod, feel free to use this at the next campaign stop…

[(Introduce yourself, but don’t say Introduce yourself)] How you all doing, I’m Barack Obama, president of the United States. It’s great to be here in, ah, Toledo, home of the Mud Hens and three million other people.

I just wanna give a big shout-out to Chief Taheeli Dan Black-Bear out there in the audience. The Chief won a medal of honor during the Civil War, I think during the battle of the Little Big Horn, and it’s great to see him and our other fallen veterans sitting here today.

Likewise let’s give a great hey y’all to some of our disabled veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan. Why don’t you folks get up from your wheelchairs and take a bow. [Wait for applause.] Thank you very much.

Speaking of medals of honor, forgive me if I get confused, since, like, I’ve given out 5 or 6 of these things. The last to a Navy corpse…man, I think. But some months ago we had an unfortunate workplace violence incident at Fort Hood, where a lone gunmen, not under any ideological influences, shot 10,000 of our soldiers to death. I was a little upset when I learned about this on the 9th hole, because, you know, these are the same troops that fight for me, personally, throughout the world, and I had another nine to get in.

It also bugged me that the “real enemy,” conservatives, might use the “alleged” gunman’s name, which is different and a lot like mine, to advance hatred and bigotry. So I instructed General Casey to do several things. First, I made it very clear that diversity in the Army will not suffer because of this, and further, that there will be no diverse thinking on the topic of diversity.

Second, I explained to General Casey and the base commander that it’s really hot in Texas, and the extreme heat was probably what caused the major to shoot his co-workers. Therefore, I ordered all Fort Hood training areas be made into wind-farms so we have plenty of green energy to cool the barracks and offices.

To achieve my vision of a completely green military, I also recommended the generals’ order their troops to trade in their pickup trucks for Chevy Volts. As long as the soldiers keep their tires properly inflated and only drive to their weekly mandatory re-cycling training, we could lower the oceans. Everyone could also be just like Lance Armstrong and ride their bikes to work, every day. That way no one will notice when gas prices hit $9 a gallon, as I’ve instructed Dr Chu to make happen.

As a nation, Americans are the most wasteful people on earth and we’ve got to reduce our carbon footprint. This is the message I hammer home every day as I crisscross the country in Air Force One.

Drilling for more oil won’t help us. No it won’t! I’d rather we got our oil from our friends in the middle east. Neither will nuclear help us. Look at what happened when the Chinese bombed Fukushima. Let Iran and north Korea develop their nuclear capabilities without our help.

I know some on the right don’t like me messing with the military. “Obama never served,” they say.

But I say this, “Who got bin Laden!” Not George Bush! I directed the operation from my bunker at the White House.

And all those drone assassinations? Forget what I said about congressional approval as the junior senator from Illinois. The only approval we need is from the U.N. and other official agencies outside the U.S.

That’s why I feel comfortable giving our Russian friends secret missile data for eastern Europe. It’s all part of my push to make my administration the most transparent ever. That’s why we talked about the Seal Team and intelligence haul right after bin Laden raid. You might be interested to know that as we speak, I’ve given Hollywood complete access to our special operations tactics and techniques for their bin Laden movie.

I might just be guessing here, but I’m thinking that I’ll be the leading man in a theater near you come election day.

And what about the Republican “war on women?” We’re not going back to the days of back alley abortions and women as second class citizens. No we won’t! If there’s one thing I learned after all these years is that what you call a people is very close to what you call their language. French people speak French, Chinese people speak Chinese and Austrians speak Austrian.

And speaking of gay marriage, let’s not forget our gay and lesbian citizens. My stance on gay marriage has truly evolved to where it is today, a major campaign talking point. I now believe that marriage is between a man and a woman, a man and a man, and a woman and a woman; occasionally, marriage is between a woman and man.

Unlike what conservatives want, we’re not going back to when the definition of marriage was simple. No, we won’t!

You see, you can never win with conservatives. Remember when I dumped a trillion dollars into shovel ready jobs and then held a fiscal responsibility summit? That’s right, you guessed it. The opposition criticized me for having the summit. Who knew at the time there aren’t really such things as shovel ready jobs?

But we’re moving on. We’re not thinking about the past. I remember when Michelle said to me, “Barack, you’ve got to get people out of their comfort zones.” Well that’s why I keep the White House at 82 degrees. You should see the tourists sweat in the Lincoln bedroom.

The extreme heat also reminds me of my birthplace in Hawaii, or Kenya, whatever the situation dictates.

And so my friends, I haven’t forgotten about my promise to lower the oceans and bring goodness and light to all. I just need four more years to do it.