The Mysterious Beast Behind the Darkness

So in keeping with the tradition of only playing sold out or hard to attend venues, Witchbanger, (my band – for those unaware) is playing Three Floyds Dark Lord Fest this coming weekend and this is our freaking 100th mythical beast battle online! So I figure, now’s as good a time as any to pull out the big guns.

The Dark Lord, the Devil, Beezlebub, Lucifer, He Who Can’t Be Named, or if you’d rather Who Walks Behind the Rows, or the Little Prince… oh wait… haha! Anyways, you get the point! Most every culture has one, and they don’ all look like Sauron, sometimes they have tentacles from the murky deep, sometimes they swallow cities whole, sometimes they are a green eyed baby and sometimes they just sneak in your head and whisper bad ideas… or were they always there… haha… 1000 ways to go and I wanna see em all. I just ask that you stay in the spirit of the site and try and make em yours and try and make em fun!

I’m still trying to garner some excitement from outsiders so I’ll be judging and unfairly rewarding newbies, so be sure to tell your mugless friends for me.

Well let’s see… first and foremost, just as a heads up I modified your forehead “mark” a wee bit so those of us who walk the Chicago streets don’t have to get capped for affiliations… But beyond that, great vaguely hidden and often double stacked secret symbols. Always a fan of the “no space can escape my lines” technique, good crooked clam/ 1987 Neil Blender drawing mouth and props for using what looks to be a flair! the mightiest pen (of the standard desktop assortment)!

Judge’s Commentary – So a few things helped this guy along, new artist so it’s kinda like he’s earning time and a half… the fact that this devil isn’t allowed any ears with which to hear the cries of suffering, but mostly it’s cause it looks like Cronenberg’s mask from Nightbreed crossed with a giant clam, and since i love both of those things… you win!

Yes! Puppet devil hands on a dark lord that looks like a puppet himself! that’s a mindf#ck it’ll take me a moment to recover from! Plus that’s a fancy ass… what do you even call that? A sleeveless poet’s smock? are there sleeved versions for less muscular poets?

Judge’s Commentary – There’s no doubt about it, I’m a sucker for hands being replaced with more appropriate arm enders… I gave this same artist props for his sword hands eons ago and and goat heads make at least as much sense to land him in second!

Yes! This reminds me of the old horror movie trick of “take a closer look, cause our stained glass is eeeevil” routine! Points for purple pubes, the kinda wacky poison arrow frog color scheme and of course a few extra for the gore!

Judge’s Commentary – You know, there’s just something about this one that both intensely intrigues, yet quietly whispers “run!” and dammit I can’t have something holding that powerful a mixed message exist unrecognized! I’m especially fond of the fact that the body language sells the same emotion a cat has while eating a chipmunk… like “I don’t need to keep doing this… but i mean I’ve got a dead chipmunk… so why not? right?”…

“Dark….Ass? My guy got a little donkey. I was drunk on ham and peeps.” I’m not sure that caption was meant for public consumption but it made me laugh so it got included! I love that he’s got a well muscled face cause… you know… 3/4s of seeming evil is having a decent stern gaze and you cant do that with a flabby visage! Also I’m pretty sure there’s an Eeyore joke and a joke about no one riding for free that would go well here, but I ‘ll let you figure those out on your own time!

The old ghost overlay app as doodling device trick… so two things… first that’s one of my dogs, so I can confirm that he in fact is the enemy of all that is good… but secondly it’s possible (and prepare yourself to read this as joke) we should consider blinding him cause he looks kinda badass with that whited over eye!…

So many folks spend so much time proving that goat heads fit in pentagrams I felt it important to point out that tiny horned angora bunnies with bat wings and Boglin arms holding tiny swords fill the space pretty well too! also… Snarf!

Man there are enough penis and vagina references in here to make me question whether or not I’m just imagining penis and vagina references… I mean is that peen wearing a devil mask? All that and a stole too! Bravo!

Man look at the blackened soulless eyes on this Sean-beast, so much harder to tell if they (as they so often do) are gazing in alternate directions …. and I appreciate the enthusiasm and while I know it crushes some of you who really like both(me included)… but since i know the standard Sean beast attire I think this is a fair time to say that you can’t be truly metal and wear shorts… You can like it all you want but unless your calves are sweaty… well you know…

Now it’s possible, and i could be entirely mistaken, but I’m going to guess A that it’s probably a lot easier to hail a cab a little farther from the gates of hell, where there’s less how you say… suffering… But I appreciate his seemingly naive confidence! Also nice to see a lil blue in your hellfire, it’s so rarely included that I wanted to give you props!

Hey it’s like the chubbier, pig nosed, and more pimple prone version of the horned beasts from the old Monster Magnet covers! Technically, though, while humorous, I bet those are less glowing pimples and more like lava spewing hell craters from the dark planet eeeeeevil! Great circle of sixes for eyes btw, cause you wouldn’t want to undersell your darklordiness ;)!

“And i could see why he was once Gods favourite” – hey he’s got the same “I’m growing it out” mullet that I’m sporting these days! totally cooler to say i have fallen angel’s hair… points for the questionable gender, the distant eyes of and arrogant god, the purdiest mouth we’ve seen so far… and is that a pearl necklace?

Clever! clever… when i was young there were lots of toys that would move, spin or shake a puddle of ink into something more… I’m thinking this is sort of what you always wanted it to do… She does make that dress look fabulous and the seemingly checkerboard chest hairs made me laugh.

So I’m not sure, but I think there’s a possibility this is either a cat eyed Nixon or a Hitler… but what I know is if you can imagine he’s on the bench seat driving an invisible pick up truck while smoking an invisible cigar, it get’s even better!

We did it all for you baby dinosaur who shouts “not the mama!” but for some reason is sporting the scalp of hitler and ferociously stern brows! We did it all for you! My only complaint is that when i counted i wanted there to be six toes!