STEPH-KNEE Uncensored: Volume 2

Monday, August 18, 2014

I did a blog like this back in July. The difference between a blog like this and my "regular blogs" is that I am uncensored... I am always honest on Spark with ALL of my blogs... but I am also very aware that I am writing a BLOG for lots of people to see. So I might leave out certain things that might come off wrong or that are too personal. So when I do these uncensored things, I just share EVERYTHING. These blogs can be a bit jumbled, but sometimes it helps me to just put it all out there. Right now I am still struggling with the habits, but also with a lot of negative talk. So forgive me in advance if this blog is a total mess. You may want to skip it and come back to my regular scheduled programming in the future.

One thing that I have noticed lately, is that my life is not any different after losing 90 pounds. I think years ago, I thought losing the weight would "fix everything". If it was my "only problem" in life, then everything else had to be 's and 's if I could just lose the weight. That thinking was so far off base. When I restarted Spark in March of 2012, I finally realized I had to throw that thinking out the window. Losing weight would make me a healthier person, it would make me a smaller person, it had the potential to make me a more active person (not having to lug around the weight was a great incentive to move more), but that was about it. Everything else about my life is pretty much the same. Losing weight didn't make me "happier". I used to have this internal dialogue that would replay in my head... it would say "I will be happy when I lose this weight". There are several things wrong with that thought process, the most alarming is that I WILL be happy when I lose the weight... sort of implying I'm not happy now. Or not allowed to be happy til I lose the weight. I deserve to be happy now, not later. I deserve to be happy fat, skinny or in between. Losing the weight could add to my happiness, the fact that I am proud of losing the weight is definitely a positive, but it wasn't going to make me some happy-amazing person with 's shooting out my tushy.

So I think that is something I am trying to settle into. I lost 90 pounds, I am sure proud of it... but I am the same girl in a smaller body with smaller clothes. I am happy about the health benefits, but I have to be happy for me because I want to be happy. The same things that got me down or made me sad still make me sad... even the weight loss stuff.

I will tell you that I really do struggle from time to time with being upset about my body. I am being open and honest with you here... It is really hard to lose all this weight, to work so hard, and still be uncomfortable in your own body. My arms are jiggly (not that bad all things considered), my thighs are uncomfortable, hangy, saggy and just a mess. My tummy is very uncomfortable, it hangs, I get sweaty underneath it and in all honesty it is truly a hazard physically and emotionally. Now before you say "don't be so hard on yourself", I want you to know that I don't think about these things constantly. But I do get down from time to time knowing what I put my body through. Gaining all this weight comes with some consequences, mentally, physically, and health-wise. I can get down to a nice "normal" weight, but I will never have the body of a "normal person".

At 28 years old that can be a hard pill to swallow. I am fortunate enough that I can afford to get a tummy tuck, and I plan to do that October of next year. That is the thing that bothers me the most, and I truly believe it is a necessity. If I don't have it removed, I know the hanging skin will cause rashes and sores. So I am grateful that I will be able to do that. But that does not mean that I won't be left with many reminders of the weight I have lost.

So just being honest here, that gets me down from time to time.

The last 2 things that have been plaguing me recently and in the past is... my mind still likes to think I'm 200+ pounds. I was 205 pounds at age 18, so even when I tell my coworker my weight, I often start with a 2, "Oh, after Vegas I'm back up to two-eighty... I mean one-eighty-seven." My mind has not fully caught up to it yet, and I think that can make this journey even harder at times. There is a lot of research that says your mind can take a couple years to get caught up to the changes your body has made. The transition isn't easy, and it seems to be a long one.

The other thing is that "slippery slope" mentality. I am up about 6 pounds from Vegas. Anyone else would say "it's just 6 pounds, I'll work hard and get it back off and move on." The in my mind says "Wow, you gained 6 whole pounds in a week?! That is awful. That is just a stones throw away from gaining 60 pounds back. Why wouldn't you gain back the weight you lost? Every single time you have lost the weight you have gained it ALL back, plus more!"

That is what I have messing with my head right now. I know that 6 pounds gain doesn't have to result in gaining back 90 pounds. That's not logical, and it is quite a huge leap from 6 pounds to 90 pounds... but in my mind sometimes it feels like they are just right there. Like in a week I could wake up at my starting weight.

Again, I know that it's not rational, but sometimes it takes a lot of strength and courage to shut those voices down. Logically I know that I can get these 6 pounds off, that I am not going to gain all my weight back (I refuse to let that happen), that I can get back on track, one day at a time. I know that this is just a bump in the road and that I have had many and that I will eventually get past it. But sometimes this stuff is hard! It can be such a battle internally and there is nothing worse than feeling like you have to battle yourself, or in this case my inner fat girl!

So there you have it, Steph-knee Uncensored: Volume 2! It wasn't pretty, and some of the stuff in the deep dark corner of my mind are far from 's and 's, but it is a part of my journey and a part of what I am dealing with at the moment. I know this "blah time" will pass and that things will look up again. That i will get back to working hard and get the scale dropping again, but sometimes when you feel blah, the light at the end of the tunnel can seem a little far away.

I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but once again you have captured me in your blog. It's disheartening to know how imperfect my body is/will remain even at 50. I also feel like I'm still 100 pounds heavier, especially with the extra vacation weight on me, and I also know how easily I can keep sliding.

I need to come back and read these blogs every morning, especially since I sense that you have already come out of your blah time. For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling like I can face this again.

I hear you...we were never promised a bed of roses...even for the super skinny people, right? Most of the time, though, you sound happier than you did in this blog. All of us get down sometimes. And all of us have bumps in the road. I ate a fast food last night because it was a late teacher work day...ugh. The good news is THAY didn't make me happy and I will be back on track today even though we have a pot luck at my building. I can choose better things! So talley ho and off we go. Each day is a fresh start!

Well, if it helps at all, you are definitely not alone in the battle that goes on in your head. I certainly identify with much of what you have written in this blog. Thanks for putting it out there. I wish you all the best as you continue your journey!

You are a very insightful person and boy do you have it right. Just keep doing what you have been doing and all will be good. You have done awesome so far and if you keep exercising you may not need that tummy tuck. You are young with much more resilient skin that when you do this as an older person!

it is a lot of acceptance to know that weight is only one part of the being healthy equation. Yes you can be happy at any weight. But over weight mean a lot more health problems most of the time. So good for you working now to put off or eliminating future problems.

I let myself be way overweight for 20 years and I am paying for it with pain and surgery.

You have lots of company in this! I gained a ridiculous 11 pounds on a Hawaii vacation two years ago. During a bad medical layoff (8 months) I regained 20 lbs. But back in my own place, even with one useless right arm (awaiting 3rd and final reconstructive surgery)I am back to good eating, regular exercise, elliptical, step and Zumba and slowly losing the poundage. It can be done! You can do it, no guilt allowed!

Even though the 50 lbs I've lost so far isn't the same as 90, I can relate to you SO much in this blog. It's honestly like you took the thoughts out of my head and wrote them down!

The feeling uncomfortable thing? Every day. I always thought that clothes, furniture, everything would feel great. I never realized just how annoying excess skin can be. Is it better than that skin being filled with fat? Heck yes, but it doesn't stop me from just wanting to wrap my skin tight just to make it stop irritating the skin it rubs against!

The brain not catching up? Yes! I still think of myself as upper 290's. The other week I had a moment where I had to pull up my spark app just to make sure I was remembering my correct weight because it looked too low on paper.

The "I've gained 6 pounds it can turn into 90?" Yep. I had a splurge weekend and literally pulled out my "before pants" because I was convinced they'd be snug again. Obviously not the case after 4 days of unhealthy choices.

Bottom line: thank you for being uncensored. Many of us struggle with these kind of thoughts! We will pull through until they're replaced with healthier ones.

Thank you for your insights and honesty! I have now realized that I think about my weight and happiness in the same way that you do. I can now start to work on that and associate happiness with the right things.

I also completely understand your thought process with gaining some weight back. My mind tends to over exaggerate as well. Although I always try to keep in mind that one member told me that I should celebrate every pound and half pound lost. You may have gained by 6 but you still have lost a lot of weight and you had to overcome a lot of challenges to get there. Don't be too hard on yourself. And definitely be proud.

I know where you're coming from. 10 years ago, I lost 90 lbs too and it was then that I discovered that losing weight didn't make me any happier. That my life was not puppies and rainbows as I assumed it would be when I'd lost weight. And I was disappointed in my body - my tummy still hung over, my thighs were jiggly and wrinkly etc. I'm seeing this again now and I think it's having an effect on my efforts. I know that even if I lose the next 5, 10 or 50 lbs, that my body won't look like I want it to look. I struggle with accepting that it's healthier and stronger and that this is ENOUGH. Learning that we are ENOUGH as we are is a life long struggle.

I honestly wish I could give you a big hug right now. I feel the same way you do about body image. I look in the mirror and I'm still not happy with what I see. I know I'm healthier and stronger. I also feel happier about myself. But.. I feel like I'll never be perfect and that's a hard pill to swallow.

I love how real and honest this blog is. Also wanted to tell you, you can get those 6 pounds back off. I know you can. Look how awesome you've already done.

Wow - you hit the ball right out of the park with this blog. And just look at the feedback! Your ability to put your struggle into words is just amazing. Your honesty and transparency are refreshing. Your blog helps you and others....I am rooting for you! And once you lose those 6 pounds please continue with SP. We need you here!!

You know, when you look back on this blog post in a few days, or weeks, time, you will find something inspiring here.

For those with 30+ pounds to lose, it's not about weight. It's a mental battle and almost a psychological issue. Oh people at this point may 'pooh pooh' that statement, but I believe it to be true.

Our lives can not be on 'hold' whilst we get to whatever the magic number is and yes, we will be happier that we look better in the jeans or whatever. But as you said, it will not change the demons that follow us in our heads. That is where the true transformation takes place - mentally, not physically.

I've lost a relatively small number in comparison and know I am not there yet in my head either. But I trust that if I keep going on this path, and with the support and knowledge I gain every day from here and people like you who post honestly, that I can help myself.

Keep up with the blogs - I am convinced that putting it all out there - even if that is scary - is a mental leap in the right direction.

Thank you for your honesty. It helps to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Apparently many of us have the same thoughts.. I am looking forward to the day that I accept the thoughts and not let them bother me.

Some health insurance, if you have it, will cover skin removal BECAUSE of the rashes and sores than develop under the folds of hanging skin. It would not be done for "appearance" purposes but for genuine medical reasons. You need to be complaining to your doctor about itching, irritation, rashes, sores, ANYTHING he can see to document document document. If it is documented frequently enough the insurance company may cover. Worth looking into! My neighbor had it done!

I feel the same way. You are young, and your skin will adjust way better than mine. I think about it all the time. Last night, I was lamenting that I am not comfortable in my body. I could feel bones and I couldn't go to sleep. Nobody talks about that. thanks. I've only lost 53, and have about that to go. I have no idea what I will do with all the extra skin.

But, my blood pressure is way better, and my sugar is going down, so this is worth it.