Well, it happened with or without my presence (I'm still sad no one asked me to be a judge), and a winner was crowned. Nick Gilronan, a UPS store manager and resident of Queens, is the King of Tinypeenland. (Sorry, royalty still on the brain.)

After his triumph, he gave an interview to Gothamist, and you can read the whole thing—and see pictures of him competing, which are not exactly safe for work, which is why I didn't try to post them here—here. And you should, because the single 27-year-old has such a great attitude about the whole thing. He says everyone was really nice and had fun, and that it was his goal to promote positive body images because it upsets him when other people aren't confident.

When asked about the bad reputation of the lesser-endowed, here's what he had to say:

"That's the media's fault, I think. For both men and women, they push out images of people who just aren't regular normal people. The size of a man's penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship. Same thing with breast size. We're all made in different shapes and sizes, but the media puts pressure on people to look a certain way. Most people do not look that way. Some people let that false sense of body image upset them and they shouldn't be upset at all. Even worse, some people use those false standards and judge other people. It's disconcerting."

Right on, Nick!

Do you applaud this winner's attitude? Wouldn't you rather date a guy with a smaller penis but a big old brain and heart?