​As Mad As The Hatter - A Personal Statement I am bipolar. I am also a student, photographer, writer, friend, daughter, aunt etc. I am human just like you and I am the same person that I was before you found out that I have bipolar disorder. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I did not ask for it, nor did a cancer patient ask for their illness. Yet, you stigmatize one and give compassion for the other. Trying to explain mental illness to someone who has never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a blind person. But I’ll do my best.Having bipolar disorder along with a panic attack disorder means waking up and not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for the day. It is suddenly becoming sad for no reason at all and being excited for absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. The worst is never knowing if an episode will last for half an hour or half a month. When someone who is bipolar encounters an episode of depression, there are sleepless nights and exhausting mornings. It’s a kind of tired that sleep cannot fix, though try as we might.Tyler Knott Gregson once said, “Do I fear sleepless nights? You have no idea how long the dark lasts when you cannot close your eyes to it.” When a manic-depressive episode hits, it hits you with hurricane force. While some see a small spring rain, a bipolar brain sees an oncoming tsunami. We know there is no stopping the inevitable drowning sensations that we will feel. Although we swim through the torrential down pour we swallow a lot of water.Looking back on my younger years, the signs were all there. But no one wants to be diagnosed with something like this. Juliette Lewis, unfortunately, explained it best when she said, “The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die.” What you must understand is that it is a disorder not a decision. The tortured soul is played on so much in movies and music by people who have never had to face one. Do not mock a pain that you have not endured. There is no “controlling it,” or “acting like a normal person,” when the manic mood swings are something you do not decide to experience.Tim Burton said, “One person’s craziness is another person’s reality.” When you look at the Mad Hatter you see insanity in its most blatant form. He is the epitome of bipolar disorder, simplified for the non-suffering mind. When I was diagnosed my freshmen year of college, I was as lost as Alice and as mad as the Hatter. I remember the worst part of the diagnosis. It wasn’t that I would be living with this disorder for the rest of my life, or that I would have to go through a trial period of medications trying to balance the mood swings. It was when my then boyfriend decided to break down our four-year relationship with one small statement. “I believe that you believe you have bipolar disorder.”To him I wanted the attention when all I wanted was support through something I had been fighting since before I met him and would have to fight for the rest of my life. I didn’t want him to save me. I wanted him to stand by my side while I tried to save myself. Instead, he left. I’ve since faced similar criticism and I feel pain for anyone who has yet to publicly state that they are suffering.Without knowing it, we make distasteful jokes daily. I am not ashamed of my disorder, but it always stings when someone uses bipolar disorder as a joking matter. Saying “I can’t make up my mind. I’m so bipolar,” or “She gets mad for no reason. She must be bipolar,” are things that can make anyone suffering from bipolar disorder want to keep this demon in their head all to themselves because they feel they will be stigmatized and judged. But unfortunately, and without fail, we will be stigmatized. We will be marked as problems for society while our condition will be exacerbated by the media until we are seen as unfit for society.For those suffering in silence:Do not believe everything you tell yourself late at night. Do not believe everything you think. You are exhausted because you are fighting a war inside your head every day. You feel weak but you are strong. Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t and start loving yourself for everything you already are. Stephanie Bennett-Henry says “Life is tough but so are you.” Every day you are surviving a mental illness. That is true strength and power; whether anyone sees it or not. Always remember what Elizabeth Gilbert said, “Embrace the glorious mess that you are.”