I mentioned in my last entry that I have resigned officially from work and this is my 2nd day of being officially unemployed. I have watched the movies I missed – thank goodness for torrents. And just now, i just got off the phone ( audio call from Skype), it was an initial interview for online teaching and yea, I passed. I am now scheduled for a technical check of my home office, if I meet their requirement, then I am on for a demonstration. This is the same feeling I got when I first applied for the same post, except of course that now is different because I do not have to be somewhere else but home. Not that I am bothered because I have prepared for this, but God yeah, I want to pass.

I am also waiting for my client interview with one of the top rated website for a home base job. I’m kind of bored and I want to be productive. I don’t want to be busy with non productive things anymore.

Any thoughts?

]]>https://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/2018/03/14/another-day-of-not-doing-anything-productive/feed/0Home OfficeiamheartlessbecauseioncecaredtoomuchFreedom!https://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/2018/03/12/freedom/
https://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/2018/03/12/freedom/#respondMon, 12 Mar 2018 13:29:46 +0000http://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/?p=1352The best day of my life is today. I must say. Because today, I was able to let myself be freed from something that keeps burdening me.

Not that I am not grateful for my life or my career but there are moments in life when we have to let go of the things that weighs us down.

It was a bit sad and scary at the same time. Sad because for 4 years, I have been working with people I considered my second family and scary because I am not sure of what is going to happen next.

All I know is that, I woke up one day and I just knew right then and there that this is what I want.

So I have been awake for 4 hours and I could not get myself to sleep. I am trying not to make amends anymore or maybe stopping from still hoping to rekindle the lost flame. But I always wake up to still feeling there is actually hope.

Should I be basing this on Facebook where he still has me at his “In a relationship with” status? Or him only seeing my messages but no response whatsoever? The fact that he is still reading my messages makes me think that he is still interested in what I have to say.

I am no longer sure of what’s coming ahead of us both. I am not sure eithrr if I can still fight for it. I only wanted him to stay and fight with me. I love him louder and stronger than his demons. I know I am not stopping until he can tell me he does not love me anymore.

Maybe in my next entry, I will write about a man’s pride and what it really does to a relationship.

I am scared. I am scared that I will not be able to hold myself together. I am scared to take another step as it may push you away farther. I am scared that if time flies, it’ll be fast I won’t be able to catch you to where you’re headed. I am scared that if I move an inch from where you left me, you won’t find me.

I am sinking though I refused not to. I am drowning though I stepped out of the throbbing water.

I really want to know the rules of engagement. I want to know when I will be free from torment.

I am in between feelings of love and hate.

Part of me wants to go on and love him louder than his demons. Part of me wants to just accept that we’re done for good.

I remember a friend, he said:

Acceptance is better than fighting. If you keep putting up with a man who has no intentions on showing his love for you by being the first one to surrender in a fight, you’ll end up getting tired and soon, you will do what he’s doing. Gap will start to grow. Instead of you growing together, you grow apart. Let the man be. Let him go. When he find you in his alone time, he’ll pursue you.

That makes a lot of sense but can you blame a man for trying too hard?

I don’t know what to write. I am not even sure where to start. A lot of thoughts are flooding my mind and it keeps repeating.

How can a man stay mad for too long? How did it ever gone to this? How hard is it to forgive? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

]]>https://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/sands-of-time-waiting/feed/0wp-image-1094514708iamheartlessbecauseioncecaredtoomuchAn open letter to the girl who broke his hearthttps://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/an-open-letter-to-the-girl-who-broke-his-heart/
https://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/an-open-letter-to-the-girl-who-broke-his-heart/#respondSun, 03 Sep 2017 00:46:25 +0000http://chefbarneyjuana.wordpress.com/?p=1245

I could never cheat on anyone. It’s the type of mistake and wrong doing that I couldn’t live with. Knowing that you destroyed someone’s trust is bad, but destroying someone’s perspective on love is far worse.

To you,

I know we tend to be vulnerable at times. We are fragile even. It doesn’t change the fact that we can become powerful too.

First, I am sorry that I am hating you as of this writing. Because of you, the man I love has no believe in love and what joy it can bring to our lives. He would not believe in the goodness of having someone taking care of him. He is too mad and too strong. He is capable of not caring at all. He is selfish that it breaks my heart to pieces.

I may not know the reason why you left him. But it turned the man I love to something that gives pain into my chest. I know it isn’t fair to blame you, but you are still the reason why he would not trust again.

Or maybe not.

I have been thinking about it lately. Maybe, it isn’t because of you that he doesn’t want to love again. Maybe, I am not the one who would make him feel alive again. Maybe, I am not enough for him.

Maybe, he meant well. Maybe, he was just too nice.

I was loving him in silence hoping that he’d wake up one day realizing that he loves me and everything is worth-risking.

This was captured in Botolan when we had our first ocular visit for our outreach program.

This is my first entry after hybernating forever. Anyways, this has nothing to do with travel or food. This is quite different because I am blogging about the things we [gino&I] fight about a lot.

1. Indifference. So have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has the same character as yours? I bet, most of you would answer “No.” So do I. In a span of 16 months, Gino and I would fight over some petty things because of our indiferrences. There were times when we were just talking and someone said something that makes one pretty upset and there you go, one shows lack of interest and no effort in talking things through. Sad life. Days go by without us talking.

I hope this goes straight to his heart and mind.

2. Facebook App. Who wouldn’t feel hurt when the partner has got a lot of time with this f**ing unbelievable app? So insulting and disgusting. Like what the hell am I even here for?

3. Bossy. I tend to act like a boss to my boyfriend and I don’t even intend to. Sometimes, it just comes naturally. I feel guilty as soon as I realize that I am becoming too much you know. I wish he would understand that.

4. Mood swings. I am a woman and I go through hell when I am getting my period. So hell I share with someone who would get in the way. Since I am with him most of the time, he gets too much attention from me. But it isn’t the attention every man would wish to receive from the love of their lives. So this must be the third reason that made ME the problem in our relationship and brace yourselves as we go along. Lol.

Heroes evolve is such a new happening in our relationship.

5. Gaming. Competition. Okey. Let me be clear. We are playing these games because we want to. But there are days I get so irritated because it feels like he is competing instead of just enjoying the game with me. So whenever I hear him trash talking or bragging, I just keep quiet and I fo AFK ( Away From Keyboard)

I can go on and on listing the things we fight about or the hate we feel whenever we fight but you know, in a strong and intimate relationship, there are times when it is really hard to deal with your partner. But what’s important is that you still want to be with each other. And that you still love one another. That at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you still see a bright future together.

I may not have it listed above but my idiosyncracies are what’s keeping us from living just a simple life. I don’t know and I can’t fight it during my PMS. I am just so lucky that the man I am in a relationship with is patient and kind.

Ow. By the way, I am blogging this because it is our 16th monthsary. I am expecting more petty fights in the future but I always trust and believe that the love we have for each other is more than the pride, or more than the hate we can feel towards each other.