Wednesday, December 19, 2007

tears at ten

Today is off to a miserable start. Just a couple of hours into the day and I've already cried. I hate crying. i hate feeling stupid and incompetent. I know i will get this stuff eventually, but right now i just feel like a complete and utter moron. Why don't i get some of this stuff? people are trying to explain to me, and it just doesn't make sense. i don't understand what they are saying and they don't understand why i don't understand. I'm an impatient person. i want to be good at everything right away. and i will be good at this, but it's so hard right now.

i try to remind myself of those first few months in China. I cried a lot. teaching was difficult. i wasn't a natural. everyone else seemed to take to it faster than me. i hated feeling like i wasn't thriving. i cried and wanted to run away. but i didn't. i'm impatient, but i'm also stubborn and i have to prove that i can beat something. so i stuck it out and eventually i did thrive. in the end, i was really good at it. that will happen again, i just have to make it through this rough beginning. tears and all.