Tag Archives: BMW

Today this craptastic collection of bad jokes, thinly-veiled, breast-fetish material and homage to alcoholism that I call “Had a Few Beers” is 1 year old.

Actually, I’m not really sure what day I started this and am really too lazy to look it up. It was January though, I remember that much. I was drinking beers in my garage when I thought, “You know what I should do with all these awesome thoughts I have, I should write them down so that the world can see how great they are.”

I should mention I was looking at a friend’s BMW parked in my garage for

Yes, early on at HadaFewBeers.com we staged, and by we I mean I, epic dinosaurs verses army men battles on a friends new BMW hood. Why mandatory drug testing was not insisted upon at my work, I’ll never know.

the winter and thinking about the merits of tea-bagging various parts of it at the time. So there’s that, if it adds context.

But here we are 89 posts later, and I know that exact number because the dorks at WordPress insist on telling me “OH MY GOD! YOU JUST LOADED ANOTHER UPDATE” every time I, ya know, load a fucking update. I mean the last thing I want when I push “publish” is a giant pop up screen tell me about it. I have typos to fix and links to shorten. The nerds who run this place need to actually DO a blog here.

Anyway, 89 painfully obvious updates and a year later, here we are. Hitting 50,000 views in the very near future (all of them looking for information about sauna boners it would seem if the search terms are to be trusted) and I’m ready to do some more — damage.

The first post to reach 100 views in a day was this one and I didn’t even write it (bitch!).

She was also my first ‘guest blogger’ … the first of four (andheretheyare).

The most popular search term with 1,425 hits is (do not follow this link, it’s a porn site and I honestly don’t know how or why it’s associated with HAFBs, if anyone can explain it I will pay money) Beeg.com.

The second is most popular search term is, drum roll, “nude sauna.”

The nude sauna seriously has by far been the most popular over time. A lot of people in ‘Merica are looking for nude sauna blogs, or they just want porn about saunas, I don’t know.

Look people it’s really, really hot in those things. I know people in Europe are

See no one is slipping anyone a Mr. Happy …

naked and there are mixed genders in there but it’s really, really hot in there. I promise no one is scrogging in a real sauna. Just blinking is tiresome in there, for the love of god.

We’ve had some great cleavage shots because a chick I know rocks at sending spur of the moment cleavage shots. (*mental note, do a cleavage montage update later).

Our favorite blogger has to be Oh God, My Wife Is German and he gave us our first “shout out” when this first started. He also gave us another shout out after winning an expatriate blogger award. He also rocks, so go read his stuff. He breaks electric razors for his blog. All I’ve ever destroyed here is my reputation — you know stupid stuff.

We have a facebook like page with over 1,000 likes (and growing) that you can reach (and like) here or over on the left if you don’t like my link.

Anyway, it’s all right here in this handy-dandy end-of-year report by the good folks at WordPress.com. Good job, nerds. You can see Marni Sandberg out performed Mmmmmags as the top commenter. Though neither broke the 20 comments. Way to underachieve, ladies.

An old Army friend, Fran, came out of the wordwork and offered to edit this damn thing, something that (as you know) was desperately needed, and another friend has started trying to market it because I tweet like old people______ and ______.

Those two ______ up above are intentional. I didn’t just start a joke and then not finish it and post it like that. I mean, I would, but I didn’t this time. I did it because I want you — the person looking for sauna-boner information — to finish that joke. Finish it and leave it in the comments. If funny enough I’ll laugh, a lot.

This leads me to the way ahead with this thing. See I’m like a ship’s captain navigating the wordy seas. Arrgh maties! Thar be a heavin’ set o’ bossoms off the port side o’ the poop deck! (Suck on that last sentence, Fran!)

I’d like to expand this thing. I’d like to get more people involved, more writers mainly. A lot of you are funny, funny, funny and if you want to try your hand at writing something let us know. Leave a comment or send an email if you’re interested.

Because, more and more, this blog is becoming more of an “us” than an “me.”

I’m also a lazy shit, I don’t want to have to do all the work.

Seriously, in what is likely the worst casting call of all time if I’m calling on you for your “lolz!”

If you can type a sentence that doesn’t make Fran want to commit suicide,( and she’s strong in that regard. I’ve really tested her on this) and if you can make a joke that’s funny and want to give it a go, reach out. I can promise you, really promise you, that if you just want to try writing without having your name associated with it, we’re your blog. If we like it we’ll push it and your name will never be released. Most of the ‘mystery’ bloggers here are easily enough figured out because they know me personally, but I’d never give out a name without permission.

Finally, and this might be years, rather than a year down the road, I realize that

Finally a boobie free blog … not this blog though, no way. HAFBs will always have boobies.

some people reading this who are otherwise very funny writers might not want their name associated with HAFB.com because of well, boobies, beer and the frequency in which I say fuck.

But I do have an idea, a totally new idea, that might be more appropriate. Something without boobs, without beer and without my politics… stay tuned.

Finally (really finally this time) thanks to Dagmar for putting up with me and reading this crap. Thanks to Fran for coming on board and editing (still hoping she writes something – she’s very talented), thanks to mystery social-media guy who honestly puts up with way too much of my shit, thanks to the mystery guest bloggers and thanks to you, whoever you are, reading this. I get a lot of joy out of doing it, but it would be very, very pointless without you.

This update is all about four easy things you can do to help Sgt. 1st Class Walter Taylor because here at www.hadafewbeers.com we’re all about the charity. And beer. And boobs.

For anyone that needs a recap about Taylor’s situation here’s the link, because finding new ways to describe the same situation, over and over again, ain’t fun and we like fun here …

So let’s hit it with some easy stuff you can do to help raise money for Taylor’s defense.

1. Donate, duh.

You can go here. It literally takes three minutes. Click the donate now link, select the amount you want to give (for anything over $30 you get a free bumper sticker), add your personal information and bam, you’re a great American.

Seriously, you’re a great American if you do that. Look giving to charity IS a good thing I think we all agree but most charities have a marketing campaign and/or a marketing staff of professionals. Taylor has me, retarded blogger that makes sauna boner and boob jokes, and someone named Diane in Texas that I’ve never met. Hey Diane!

2. You can repost this AND I don’t mean just on Facebook (but totally repost

Hey FB friends, you should totally give money and read this dude’s blog. It’s about a wounded warrior AND boobs.

this on facebook and ask your friends to do that same!)

I doubt it will come as a shock to anyone that the internet consists of more than just Facebook and porn. An amazing four percent of internet content isn’t even related to Facebook or pornography; I know that fact because I just made it up.

Rick, yeah Army guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood, frequents a BMW forum. I know this because Rick once told me.

Rick: “Yeah I was on the BMW discussion form and one of the members, BMWBONER09, told us how you can totally reprogram your key to automatically deflate the tires dude.”

Me: “Rick you are so fucking weird.”

Actually that’s a pretty typical exchange between Rick and I, but I digress.

Point is if you frequent an online forum of any sort, mention Taylor’s plight there. Whether it’s the World of Warcraft’s “DROODS RULE DUDEZ” forum or the “Hello kitty super fun time forum” that you frequent, bring it up there … this is all about getting the word out.

Word of caution though I did it on two forums I frequent and got my shit handed to me by some of the more liberal, skeptical posters. I’m a big kid though and I can take it. And by ‘take it’ I mean I cried, literally, like a little girl.

Finally if you do this, post a comment here or send me an email (oliveritay@gmail.com) … I’ll lend a hand if I can.

3. Do something local

HAVE A BAKE SALE! Okay I’m totally fucking kidding on that one, don’t have a bake sale, unless you REALLY, REALY want to have a bake sale and in that case knock your socks off. What I mean by local though is ask a local organization to consider doing something to help Taylor. Ask your local VFW or American Legion if they would consider helping. I’m a member of bowling team, because I hate myself, and I’m going to ask the league for permission to solicit donations. I figure who feels more sympathetic toward wounded veterans facing stiff legal fees than bowlers? Shocked that didn’t come to me sooner!

What this blogs about boobs AND wants money for charity … this is the best idea since the romans put the christians and the lions in the same event. I also stole that, totally, from Black Adder.

4. Give us suggestions about how we can raise money

Look most of my blog entries here are about Dagmar outwitting me, beer, Dagmar outwitting me, boobs, Dagmar outwitting me and boobs. Also I like to talk about boobs, so there’s that.

Point is that there aren’t any cute photos of kittens and puppies that need loving home or videos of vicious 12-year-olds ‘attacking’ grandma ala Karen Klein (I just rolled my eyes) there’s just a brave soldier facing serious charges and a crapton of legal bills.

But if you have an idea about what I, or anyone else, could do to help raise cash lay it on me (oliveritaly@gmail.com). When I started blogging about this less than $2,000 had been raised and today, less than a week later, it’s up to almost $5,000. That’s because of you all! Awesome everyone, have a beer on me! While still short of the goal that’s $3,000 in less than seven days.

Post a comment here or send me an email, let me know what your idea is … Mine is a contest where the highest donation totally get a beer and sweet boobs picture.

I thought for sure you would all pick historical battles, really cool movie battles or maybe even something with a nautical theme … the background was blue after all.

But no.

You picked foody stuff, a really bad 70s movie and movies that require I learn something about Photoshop. Thus, Mike Lavigne, Anna Whateveryourlastnameis and Bob Close I give you your wishes:

We're fat. Evidence? Sixteen year olds, when I was a sixteen year old I masturbated to food sex. Yeah we're fat. Also there was no internet back then damnit!

Foody stuff:

Anne wanted a steamy scene from the 80’s flick, “Nine and a half weeks”, which I watched on HBO when I was like 16 and TOTALLY and had a reaction you would expect from a 16 year old male, basically that Michelle Pfeiffer was really, really pretty. Had you known me, even at the age of 20, Anne I would have assured you that Michelle Pfeiffer was A: a total babe, B: she was totally hot and that C: I really thought she was good looking.

I’m not kidding, I had some sort of post card that had an image from the flick in my wall locker at the Defense Information School. Michelle Pfeiffer was serious Anne.

Anne I like you, honestly I do. But there is only so much you can do with plastic dinosaurs and Army dudes …. there is even less you can do when the idea is a sex scene. Also its Army guys VERSES Dinosaurs not Army guys love dinosaurs Anne … geeze.

The T-Rex is totally eating Army Guys face off, but in a good way ...

Look I tried. I didn’t try very hard mind you but I tried. Take comfort in the fact that yes there is a real strawberry, leaking acidic juice, on Rick’s BMW hood.

this was totally not a gay thing ... male Army Guy and a chick dinosaur

Bad movies with uncomfortable scenes …

Mike, Mike, Mike. You picked with a rape sex, heavy on the rape in this case.

Its people like you that encourage the Westboro Baptist church and Fred Phelps.

For those not familiar with the 1970’s classic “deliverance” it’s a movie about men in the rugged wilderness down south getting butt raped by homosexual redneck hillbillies. The seventies were weird I tell you, just weird. Also the star of the movie, Burt Reynolds, had a really cool bow and arrow. If you’ve ever heard someone use the phrase, “squeal like a pig” it’s from this movie.

Macho 1970 men, with butt secks

I used an elaborate five camera shooting technique here that I think helps show … screw it I used a point and shoot. I really got lazy here but in my defense, how graphic did you people want an Army Guy having sex with a dinosaur to be?

I know, very, very graphic.

Tough pervs … this is what I came up with. That scene from the 1972 film deliverance.

It’s a very accurate photo of the actual scene in the movie, for very small quantities of very accurate.

Somehow the look on the dinosaur's face is interesting

Lasers!:

Finally the tough one, Bob’s request for the stay puffed marshmallow man from Ghost Busters. Anyway as much as I’d like to get flaming-melted marshmallow all over Rick’s BMW hood, creating an actual Stay Puft man from actual marshmallows is REALLY friggen hard. I spent at least $1.69 and this is the result.

I made this for my art class and got an F ...

The people that made this had a budget for special effects that exceeded $1.69

But, thanks to the magic of Photoshop you can insert what is likely copyrighted material and make ‘friggen laser beams’ and stuff. I spent like five minutes using the magic wand tool (hehehe that always cracks me up) trying to delete the back ground around Mr. Stay Puft before I got bored and started making, “lasers” which was TOTALLY cool.

Thus, “Army Men versus the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on the hood of Rick’s BMW — with lasers”

Don't cross lines ... which is a quote from Ghostbusters, not gay porn oddly.

Still taking suggestions by the way for more ideas of Army Guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW … so please leave a comment and I’ll work it in …

* To all my gay friends, I’m sorry. I fully understand that the scene in the movie wasn’t “gay sex”, or gay, or even any sort of representation of two same sex couples in a loving relationship. It’s a dumb joke and shouldn’t be taken for anything else. Same sex rape, actually any rape, which occurs in prison (or anywhere), I fully understand, is about power and nothing else. I’m sorry but damnit it made me laugh.

I like me some Rick Bumgardner. I DO! When not stealing other people’s clothes* he’s a nice guy, generally a good dude, all around.

One thing though that a lot of you might not know about Rick is that he is a stickler for details. Remember those mattress tags, the ones back in the 80s before they became comedic fodder? When they said “Do not remove under penalty of law” with no mention of the joke-killing,” except by customer” line added later? Remember those?

Yeah, Rick was the kind of dude that took that shit seriously.

Remember when cans of soda said, “serving size two”? Rick, I’m positive, drank half and then saved the other half, because the instructions TOLD HIM TOO!

He’s a lot like my wife with his blind adherence to the instructions. That’s probably why I hate love him so much. Rick, if you’re unaware, is an award-winning (many time over) photographer and videographer. Very talented with either a still camera or a video camera. But he’s also the kind of dude that reads the instructions, FULLY, before opening a box of Capt’n Crunch.

That’s why I’ve decided to drive him insane.

Several weeks ago, Rick parked his brand new baby in my garage. A 2010 BMW. And OH boy, ain’t she pretty. I know she’s pretty because every time I go into the garage to smoke or to get a beer (or BOTH!) I get to look at it. It’s so blue it’s like an ocean. That hood just so blank, open, blank. Blank like a … like a what? Like a blank slate? Like a blank easel? Like a blank frame? Like a blank … I got it, like a blank canvas!

In fact here it is. Even knowing that the car is INSIDE a garage Rick put the windshield wipers up. Is it going to SNOW in my garage Rick? Dork.

I don’t know about you but when I see a blank canvas my mind immediately thinks of that age-old kid game, army guys vs. dinosaurs. You know you find a suitable pile of dirt in the back yard. You had a handful of green-plastic army guys (complete with bazooka dude, grenade man and pistol guy) and another handful of candy-colored dinosaurs and oh man they were gonna fight!

So, because I know you’re all excited about this, I give you Army guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood.

Here are our heroes preparing for the dinosaur attack that will be coming any minute.

But the dinosaurs look pretty scary … RAWR!!!!!!

I’ve tried to be as historically accurate as possible with this kind of fight, notice the dinosaurs were lined up (mostly) by threes? I like to pay attention to the details. The stupid triceratops won’t stay in formation, as usual.

Dinosaurs have no idea about tactics or bullets or even what mortars are, so they just charge … Landmine sweeper dude kind of feeling like a retard I bet.

Officer guy saves the day, but not before forward man had his face eaten off by a T-Rex .

Prone man and machine gun dude are doing a great job and flame thrower guy lines up to kill the charging blue dinosaurs with HOT JUICE!

Army guys win, Good job army guys. Dinosaur BBQ and extra beer rations for all!

For the record I am taking suggestions for future performances on Rick’s BMW hood. Maybe some historical battles from the civil war (the south are the dinosaurs!) maybe an epic replaying of the battle of Thermopolis? Maybe a scene from, “the Lord of the Rings” you know the one with the swords and the orcs?

Just so I don’t seem like a sexist pig, well like ANYMORE of a sexist pig, I’d even be willing to reenact a few chick flicks. Got a favorite Thelma and Louise scene (car chase, amiright!?!) or maybe a great moment from driving Ms. Daisy? Let me know ladies, the blank canvas of Ricks hood knows NO boundaries!

Leave a comment and I’ll reenact it for you … cause it’s just that much fun.

* While on a buisness trip with Rick, on the way to a pizza/beer place, I stopped and bought a shirt at some store. At the restaurant I went outside to smoke and when I came back Rick was WEARING my new shirt while EATING pizza. I knew then this had to be done.