Monday, December 04, 2006

From Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, entry for December 4:

In the past, many of us learned to make choices strictly on the basis of our feelings, as if feelings were facts. If we were frightened about taking a certain action, for example, it was best avoided. There was no middle ground and no room for more than one feeling at a time.

Part of recovery involves learning that feelings aren't facts. I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts. There is more to my identity than one feeling or another, one problem or another. I am a wealth of contradictions. I can value all of my feelings without allowing them to dictate my actions.

Today I can feel anger toward someone and still love them. I can feel afraid of new experiences, yet move forward through them. I can survive being hurt without giving up on love. And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again.

TODAY'S REMINDER

Today I am learning to embrace my complexities and contradictions and to be grateful for the rightness they bring.

"Life, for all its agonies ... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing ... and whatever is to come after it -- we shall not have this life again." -- Rose Macaulay

Physical discomfort has always been easy for me to handle. (Hey -- if it hurts, it's still attached! That's usually good!) But I've been a total wuss in regards to emotional discomfort. I've always avoided emotional discomfort at all costs.

The past couple of months have been damn scary. Being mostly isolated for so long, I've been afraid to open up to people. I've been afraid to call other alcoholics. I've been afraid to show up to every meeting 30 minutes early (as directed by my sponsor). The anxiety kills me. I hate it.

At the same time, I've been facing those fears. I have to decide that I'm willing to experience the discomfort that these situations generate. Sometimes I'm more willing than others.

As of now, I'm very grateful for the people I've met in the program. I wouldn't know them if I had stayed clammed up in the corner. I wouldn't know about someone's son being in trouble, about someone else having a hard time finding a job, or about someone else who needs a ride to a meeting. These people are just like me. Why am I afraid?