Tuesday, September 11, 2012

How to Get Wife-ready on Your Way Home from Work

Okay Fellas, so you don't have much time to get presentable for your wife on your way home from work. I have a few ideas you can use to make your arrival at your cubicle-away-from-cubicle a little extra special.

The clock strikes 5:30 p.m. You've prepared a text for your honey during your lunch break that says, "I'm on my way Sweetheart. I'm excited to see you!" Hit send. On your way out of the office hit up the vending machine. Pick out her favorite treat like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a bag of Skittles. I'll explain the extra bag of Skittles later. On your drive home, stop at the ATM and pull out $20 for the wife. While on your drive home, take out your electric razor and shave that part of your chin that always scratches her while you're kissing. Trust me this will come in handy later. Put some deodorant on. Just put it on the outside of your shirt so you don't have to untuck it.

As you pull into the garage, take a picture out of your wallet of a really ugly unshaven feminist woman.<--Picture of femanist woman. Keep this in your wallet.

Stare at it for 10 seconds so that when you see your wife and she hasn't showered and is still in her pajamas and she is a bit disheveled from all the screaming children you will honestly and enthusiastically say, "Honey you look great today!" By now the kids should be running down the hall to climb up and down on you. Quickly pull out the Skittles rip the bag open like your pulling the pin on a grenade, and throw the bag the opposite direction from your bedroom making sure to spread the Skittles as much as you can as you throw them.<--This is how you throw the Skittles. Oh and yell with a loud voice, "SKITTLES!!!," as you do this so the kiddies know what it is going on.

This should buy you some time, and give her some much needed respite away from the kidlets. Grab your wife's hand and run like fleeing soldiers for cover. Run in the bedroom and barricade the door. As you are running try to look for something your wife did today. As you get into the bedroom acknowledge the thing you noticed she did. For example, you saw that some laundry was done and you say, "Thanks for doing the laundry Honey. I don't know how you did it with all these crazy kids." Give her the Reese's now, and say you were thinking of her all day (which you could have done at timed intervals by setting an alarm on your phone to remind you to think of her, just think of her for 15 seconds when your alarm goes off so will actually be telling the truth; women can tell when their husbands are lying--you probably already knew that). She'll probably give you a kiss now, and say she needs to go to the bathroom. As she is going to the bathroom, get the book from her nightstand, and put the $20 in the book she is reading. She'll find it later and feel special.

Okay, now you have given your wife some time away from the children, and given her an abundance of compliments, sweets, and money. She is sure to breath a little easier, and realize that it is all worth it. Give her a long hug, and open the door that the children are now pounding on. She'll probably say, "I'm sorry. Dinner is going to be late again." That's how it goes sometimes, but you can use this moment to earn some points. Just say, "No problem Sweetheart. I'll take care of the kids while you finish up." Let your stomach let out a loud grumble if you can muster it, this will make her feel you are extra understanding and sacrificing. Congratulations!!! If you have executed these plans as I have laid them out before you, then you are sure to have an extremely satisfied wife. :)

Sometimes you'll be able to do this for your wife, and sometimes it will go the other way when you've had a rough day. That's how marriage works. Trust me I've been married for four whole years, and I know everything there is to know about women.

I LOVE this! And before any random visitor comes to this site and again misinterprets humor, let me assure you that I know these two AWESOME and FUNNY people. Keep up the great blogging Jami (and Squire)! (Although, I was waiting for something juicier with all the time the skittles allowed... :)

Lindsey - I was hoping for something juicier when Squire hinted at the kissing early in the post and with running to the room for privacy too! Hahahahah! Glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for your kind words. I hope you and your cute little family are doing great! :)