Libido Problems & Getting My Groove Back

I am a thirty-something married woman. I have 2 1/2 kids, many animals, and a few acres of land. I have my dream job. My husband and I make enough money to pay the bills and still have a little left over at the end of the day to spoil ourselves and our kids. This was not the life I envisioned for myself.

While all of my friends were busy getting married and knocked up, I was living a bachelorette's life. I was the girl who made a short term career of finding random guys to take home from the bar. I never got their numbers and rarely got their names. And I sure didn't give them my real name! Exchanging that kind of information implied that this was more than I wanted it to be. I knew what I wanted and I had every intention of getting it. I was damn good at this game! Society tells me that I should feel shame for this and would give me lovely titles like "whore" and "slut," while giving a free pass to guys who do the exact same thing. I refuse to feel any shame at all. It was a fantastic several years of my life.

When I met my husband, I had no intention of him being any more than what every other guy had been: a conquest. He and I have talked at length about this. He was in the same boat as me. But, there was something different about him. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I was drawn to him. I wanted to see him more than just that one time. So, we started hanging out or talking or dating or whatever the lingo is. I didn't want to call him my boyfriend because, as a woman in her mid-twenties, boyfriend sounded so juvenile. But, we were what we were. And the sex was phenomenal! Remember, I was good at it and wasn't willing to let that go by the wayside just for a relationship. Even after we got married, the sex was still great. I could text him that I was horny, and he'd take off the rest of the day to come home and have sex. I may or may not have called in "sick" so we could do our thing. I would host sex toy parties just so I could get new fun stuff to add to our routine.

Then, I got pregnant with our first kid. During the pregnancy, I was still all about it, but I was definitely more tired than before. For some people, pregnancy sex is better than non-pregnancy sex. With this pregnancy, that was me. We were not nearly as active as we had been, but it didn't suffer. When our first child was less than a year old, I found out I was pregnant again. This was not in our plans. The news threw a kink in everything. Now, I had a small child crawling and then walking around and had a little one kicking around in my uterus. My sex drive plummeted. My energy level was even lower. My poor husband tried to get me interested, but if I had a chance to lie down, I wanted to be alone. No amount of foreplay, toys, or even choreplay would work. I was just tired.

After #2 was born, my libido went to zero. Is it possible for it to go to less than zero? Because that's where it was. The medication I was taking for postpartum depression didn't help. I knew if I didn't take my medication, I would be in the mood for sex; however, my depression could be crippling. I hated this new life. I hated that I had no desire to please my husband. I hated that I had no desire to please myself. This was such a fall from the me I had been just a few years before. I didn't know what to do to fix it. I know, "pregnancy changes you…" and "give yourself time to heal…" and "your body and mind will get there…" Blah, blah, blah.

I. WANTED. SEX.

I may be the only woman in the world with this problem, but I needed to fix this. My husband still has the libido of a seventeen-year-old boy, and I desperately wanted to at least attempt to keep up with him. I was willing to try almost anything!

A friend suggested telling the husband that I needed 30 minutes of "me time" with no interruptions. No kids. No phone calls. For the love of God, no Disney Channel. Just me and my sex toys. I promised him that if he let me have this, I'd have sex with him. I was now using sex as a bargaining chip. (My, how the mighty had fallen.) Luckily, the idea of sex got him immediately on board. The next day, when he got home, he took both kids. I had fed them and changed them. All I wanted was 30 minutes. I had no expectations of this actually working, but I figured it got me 30 minutes of not hearing anyone say "Mama" or anyone needing me for anything.

It. Worked. I haven't wanted my husband that badly in YEARS! After about 15 minutes, I was texting him. He immediately got the kids down to sleep or at least distracted enough for him to come join me. It was fantastic. Mind-blowingly fantastic. This was the kind of sex we used to have back in the days of our single life. And here we were on a random Tuesday evening going at it like teenagers. I was happy. He was happy. This was amazing!

Since that first time, we've agreed on at least a couple times a week of "mommy time." Some days, I get the toys out. Some days, I just relax and watch something other than cartoons. Sometimes, I shower and shave my legs without anyone banging on the bathroom door and yelling at me. Some days, I just look at cat videos on YouTube. Regardless of how I spend it, it's time just for me. This has been a lifesaver for my sex life. Maybe, one day, I won't require the 30 minutes of "me-time." (You can guarantee I'll never admit that to the husband, though!) But, knowing that I have a partner who understands my need for time away from being mom and caretaker and wife and referee and every other hat I wear most of the day has made a huge difference in our marriage.

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