Letters I'll Never Send

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This is directed at all of Hollywood’s agents, PR reps, paparazzi, starlets, aspiring actors, actresses, executives, etc. This includes the make-up people, the hair people, the stylists and all the parts integral in the making of a “star”.

As your boss I am finding it necessary to lay down some new guidelines in the business of Hollywood. I expect you to adhere to these policies, effective immediately.

Dysfunction shall no longer be a norm

Destructive behavior is not a photo op – Paparazzi shall avoid drama queens, addicts, and people with no valid talent

Orange is NOT a skin color – Knock it off

Women and Men shall be of average size – Clavicles, ribs and pelvic bones shall remain under a healthy layer of fat

Silicone shall be used only in spatulas and kitchen accessories

Plastic surgery shall be avoided at all costs unless medically necessary ie. a dog ripped your face off and you need a transplant

Fidelity shall be lauded

Honor shall be applauded

Talent will be measured by quality of said acting, writing, dancing, vocal and/or instrumental ability and not by the quantity of electronic and/or lighting aids

Successful Hollywood shall be expected to give back in some manner for the benefit of mankind

Journalists, paparazzi, and bloggers shall refrain from calling ANY clavicle/rib/pelvic showing actor or actress “fat”. Fines will be commensurate with the damage caused to the actor/actresses self-esteem/box office draw

As with all “games” the participants are expected to wish their opponent well and congratulate them

Name calling is not allowed

That’s about it for now. Let’s gather together for a new era of Hollywood and bring this amazing possibility and positivity into the future.