(Dirty) Talk is Cheap

Put your honey where your mouth is.

By Yana Tallon-Hicks

Published: 2014.06.04 11:04 PM

Our uncontrollable, sexytime utterances like moaning and groaning show our appreciation, encourage our partners and make us feel sexy. However, when it comes to getting exactly what you want, using your dirty, filthy, disgusting words may be the surest way to satisfy your not-so-sweet tooth.

Pussy got your tongue? Heed these dirty talk tips.

Half the battle of daring dirty talk is finding the right vocab. There are just so many words for our naughty bits! How ever is a sailor-mouthed seductress to choose?

Borrow from the writers and theater geeks and find your “voice” or “persona”. Who will you be tonight? The Begging Bottom? Domineering Dyke? Femme-in-Distress? Each of these erotic alter egos have their own unique manner of speaking. While a bossy-pants might say a lot of “Do _____!” or “Go like _____” or “I said ______!!”, the pouting princess might moan more “Please”s, “Thank you”s and “Anything but ______!”.

When it comes to specific word-choice, you want to find the titillating terminology that works for both you and your partner. Though a simple Google search can give you plenty of naughty nouns and moist-making modifiers to choose from, when it comes to filthy phrases, one person's trashy treasure can definitely be another person's turn-off. Guess-and-check by simply trying some smut on for size in the moment and checking in about favorites after-the-fact, or you can list off some lusty linguistics beforehand and discuss your mutual likes.

If you're having a hard time finding the right words, read some erotica, either to yourself or aloud to your sweetie-pie-honey-bunch. Putting someone else's words in your mouth not only bolsters your saucy sayings, but eases fears that you'll “say something stupid”. Cleis Press publishes the best queer erotica like Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch/Femme Erotica and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica. For an educational spin, read Carol Queen's Exhibitionism for The Shy which includes explicit instruction on dirty talk and discovering your sexual alias.

When it comes time to actually spit out the smut, warm up with concrete examples. Talk about what's currently happening (“I love it when you _____ my ____ like that!”), what you'd like to do next (“I can't wait to _______!”), flattering observations (“Oh my god, your ____ is so ____ right now!”), or what's happening in your imagination (“I can't stop thinking about you ____ ing me!”).

Strategic name-calling can ramp up the raunch, but tread lightly here. Derogatory pet names get many people's juices flowing but words like “bitch”, “slut” and other flavors of female-bashing smut are powerfully loaded in a culture of female-focused, sexual violence. While a guess-and-check method might be fun otherwise, always check in about name-calling first, especially if you don't know your partner's triggers.

Similarly, being “taken” is a common fantasy and the word “no” can go a long way for people with these desires. However, consent should always be top-priority in the sack. Talk beforehand about whether you want to incorporate “no” and “stop” into your XXX-rated repertoire and, if so, make a “safe word” which, when said, really, actually, seriously means everything stops. Choose a safe word that isn't a complete mood-killer (“Grandma!”) but that you wouldn't say during sex (“Vagina!”). When this word is said, stop immediately and check in with each other.

Trying new things is vulnerable! Dirty talk, like any sexual experimentation, will come much easier with someone you trust. And, if you get the dirty talk down right, maybe you will, too.