Pauli Girl Poacher Caught
Residents of Sag Harbor were sweating through July and August as the hot grip of crime held the village in its fiery grasp. Who can forget the white-hot terror when the news spread that a pair of St. Pauli Girl beers had gone missing from a Sag Harbor residence? Or the perilous night when police choppers were called in to shine their sweltering lights onto Sag Harbor’s crime-ridden streets? A 17-year-old Sag Harbor resident was taken into custody and has confessed to the crimes. Careful readers of the blotter will remember that it was recommended in these pages that the authorities look for a teenager who was unsteady on his feet, and they’d have their perp.

Non-Fatal Attraction
A woman in Mattituck was arrested on Saturday morning for allegedly threatening her ex-boyfriend with a knife and for slashing the tires of the ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s car. This incident happened at 8:20 a.m., when the suspect reportedly did the damage to the car, and then approached the new girlfriend in a threatening manner. Whether the knife-wielding assailant was just getting revenge or if she actually thought that doing something like this might rekindle love in her ex’s heart is unknown.

Government Shutdown
Old Man McGumbus, 103, WWII-era veteran and self-proclaimed constitutional scholar, was arrested on Friday in Washington D.C. after trying to destroy police barricades that were set-up to prevent visitors from entering the WWII Memorial—one of the monuments that is closed due to the government shutdown. At first, police gently asked McGumbus to leave, at which point he became belligerent and spat at an officer. “This was only supposed to shut down the things that I don’t like,” ranted McGumbus. “Things like The New York Times, the Starbucks, and the Toyota Prius hippie car.” When it was explained to him that these are private enterprises unaffected by government shutdowns, McGumbus brandished a copy of the Constitution, screaming, “All spending originates in the House of Representatives!” Police used sedatives to pacify McGumbus. It is unclear at this time when he plans to return to Shelter Island.

Hollywood Hipster Overload
Police received several reports over the weekend that the villages of East Hampton, Southampton and Sag Harbor were being “infested” with Hollywood hipsters. They were smoking cigarettes and talking on cell phones, almost like summer people, and taking up all the seats in restaurants. An investigation is ongoing.