Game of Thrones Couple of the Week: Tyrion and Shae Are Never Getting Back Together

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I should have known Game of Thrones was going to destroy my childish belief in true love when the tenderest moment of the evening was between Theon Greyjoy (a.k.a. Reek) and that psychopath Ramsay Snow: Joined in torture porn, their relationship went from Stockholm syndrome to “Reek ‘n’ Ramsay 4 Eva” when Theon finally got a bath and Ramsay finally heard “I love you.”

Last night’s episode, which focused mostly on Tyrion’s trial, was iron-clad proof that nobody should get married, love anyone, or believe that love exists. Creepy, whispery Varys has the right idea; asexuality is the only safe choice here.

The results are in: Nobody wins the Couple of the Week crown, because love lies and so does Shae.

Who They Are: Tyrion Lannister is a reformed boozehound and now a wrongfully accused murderer. Shae, a mysterious prostitute turned handmaiden to the princess, is his one true love. Tyrion sent her away from King’s Landing to keep her safe, breaking his own heart in the process. As thanks, she ripped out said heart and ate it.

Why They Rule: They don’t. They suck. The look on Tyrion’s face when Tywin Lannister called the final witness to testify and Shae walked out was brutal. It was like all the wounded animals in Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA commercial gathered in his eyes to cry. On the stand, Shae more or less condemned Tyrion to death, and, worse, ruined his reputation as a sexual dynamo. Either way, thanks to her, his future is bleak. A very small part of me wants to sympathize with Shae’s move. It’s clear she’s a pawn, and given the level of bitterness with which she called herself a “whore” she’s responding really, really badly to angsty heartbreak. (Been there, girl.) But did you see that conspiratorial eye-fuck she exchanged with Papa Tywin? It’s possible she’s as power-hungry as the rest of them, and just got in bed with the wrong Lannister.