Jewish Obesity Rates Skyrocket Predictably Pre-Yom Kippur Fast

As has been the case for almost 5,778 years, Jews around the world continue the tradition of overeating in preparation for a mere 24 hour fast. “I get light-headed, chilly and cranky if I don’t fill up the hump,” said one portly Hebrew man in Borough Park, Brooklyn, referencing either a camel in the desert or his severe case of kyphoscoliosis. As brisket, chicken and potatoes fly off the shelves, gastroenterologists stay open late to accommodate the masses whose routine reflux, diarrhea and IBS symptoms increase to rates seen only around the High Holidays in the Semitic populations. “It’s an opportunity to serve the community as well as increase petty cash with our new cash-only copay policy,” said one GI specialist in Monsey, N.Y. “Oh and the leftovers they bring,” he added while surreptitiously loosening his waist-belt. As mounds of smoked fish and carb-loaded bagels await the fasting throngs at sundown, invariably one person who whined throughout the day about “life-threatening” hunger pangs, pipes up with, “I could’ve gone a few more hours.”