Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. "I want mine to be 7-Up,'cause 7 days a week he's up." "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it." "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's." "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor." "Exactly."

Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.....THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS! Enjoy a good laugh! These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. __________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. __________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. __________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? __________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid __________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? __________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. __________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. __________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. __________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. __________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. __________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? __________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ----------

So I took my nephew to the zoo this past weekend. He was really looking forward to seeing the monkeys. Well, when we eventually reached the monkey cage it was bereft of monkeys and there was a sign indicating they were in the back, mating.

I located one of the zoo workers and brought them over to the monkey cage telling him my little nephew had really been looking forward to seeing them. When I asked him if they might come out for some fresh bananas, he cocked an eye at me and simply asked, "Would you?"

It was Saturday morning when Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag his first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and, to his surprise, found his wife Alice sitting there fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles and says, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, with many reservations, decides to take her along. Hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake safely sets up his lovely wife in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running as soon as I hear shots." Jake walks away knowing Alice couldn't bag an elephant much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes later, he is startled by an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running. As he gets closer, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. Again, he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas Game Warden with his hands high in the air.

The distraught Game Warden yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

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