Me: Actually, it’s totally my business. What do you mean you need the nursery? I mean it. Tell me.

Uterus: I’m not telling you.

Me: Yes, you will. I’m going to force you to tell me the truth by using my magic wand, otherwise known as ClearBlue Pregnancy Stick. Now. Speak clearly into the wand, and tell me the truth: Did you smuggle in a baby while I wasn’t looking?

Uterus: No.

Me: Oh, thank heavens. You had me worrie–

Uterus: But I could be lying.

Me: WHAT?

Uterus: Oooh, ooh, I’m feeling weird. Is it because it’s a cramp? Or am I stretching the walls to make more room for the beautiful infant I’m housing? You’ll never know, because I’m NEVER TELLING YOU AND I’M NEVER GIVING YOU THIS NURSERY.

Me: I hate you. I’m going to make you speak into the wand of truth again tomorrow morning. You can’t lie as well first thing in the morning.

[Later that night]

Uterus: Hey, Becky, you awake?

Me: <snore>

Uterus: Are you really asleep?

Me: <SNORE>

Uterus: Good. Because you totally deserve this.

Me: What the…. WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

Uterus: It’s what you wanted, you selfish waste of a human being!

Me: What is going on? Did somebody slaughter a rabbit in the bed? WHAT IS THIS HORRIBLE MESS?

Uterus: I HATE YOU. I made a delightful nursery for the baby, and you’re forcing me to get rid of it, SO I’M GOING TO GET RID OF IT ALL AT ONCE BECAUSE YOU’RE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND THAT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Me: This is not what I wanted at all! I don’t make these rules, you know. I just live by them! Oh, gross. Nasty. It’s everywhere. Why? Why would you do this to me? It’s not even six in the morning!

Uterus: BEHOLD THE WRATH OF MY RUINED BABY NURSERY! I WILL RAIN DOWN BLOOD UPON THEE LIKE YOU’RE CARRIE AT THE PROM. PLAGUE AND PESTILENCE AND GROSSNESS UPON THEE AND THY MATTRESS…

6 thoughts on “Do You Want to Make a Baaaaby?”

My uterus has never had a good idea in her entire life….. plus, she’s got the attention span of a gnat. About a week after she rage-quits and throws everything out, she starts whispering about wanting to make a baby again. She’s not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.

Lol. Hilarious. And here mine is going “Ahem, you promised me a 3rd baby! When can I get a 3rd baby? And if you wait too long, I’m gonna talk with God and possibly turn it into a 4th baby as well, at the same time!”