Santino interrogates Pierce about why he isn’t fighting. Pierce claims that he totally tried to stay in the competition, but Dana looked at his leg and said he couldn’t fight — which is not exactly what happened, and the guys know it. Damarques thinks Pierce should be stripped of his TapouT gear. Lester furiously shadow-boxes.

Sorry for missing last week’s blog. I have been traveling a lot and haven’t had the chance to sit down and write much.

"Parce!" The name turns my stomach. Honestly, I can’t believe that I have to continuously see this wretch on TV and write about him. He certainly has received his fifteen minutes. And hopefully after this I don’t have to waste the oxygen in my lungs to speak about the cantankerous fellow, or the typing power in my fingers to peck away at my keyboard, giving him any more notoriety than he has already stolen from every other deserving member on the show.

"Parce" (that is "Pierce" said with a British accent) came from a day when all of the Americans were playing pool together except him. Yes, even Jason "I bang my head against the wall" Dent was kickin’ it with the team. I decided that even though there was much disdain toward the fellow, I would invite him to come down to join our dysfunctional group. I yelled to Pierce, who was upstairs at the time, to come down and play pool with us. I called and called, but was not answered. Then it hit me! I turned to the other guys and said, "Oh, he can’t understand me." Then I started yelling in a British accent (a poor one at that) "Parce! Come down here good chap. Parce!" Looking back at the guys I explained that he could only understand words if spoken like a Brit. So that’s how that whole thing got started.

Last night, doe-eyed heartthrob Kris Allen pulled out a stunning victory over scream-queen Adam Lambert to become 2009′s American Idol. The two-hour-plus finale broadcast included guest performances by Kiss, Carlos Santana, Cyndi Lauper, Brian May/Roger Taylor, and a near-death Rod Stewart, and Kara DioGuardi ripped her clothes off for charity, which was fucking epic (I know, I’m sorry), and my God that woman is like the new Elaine Benes, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Directly after, on a fledgling cable channel called Spiked Television (I think?), there was a new reality show about what happens when 16 guys who live together in a house stop being polite and start getting real. Half of them had strange accents, and a fight broke out at the end.

In which Santino calls B.S. on Michael Bisping‘s jet-lag excuse, shares some insight on Frank Lester (pictured above, with jacked-up teeth), and hints that we’ll soon be seeing one of the biggest turncoat-acts in TUF history.

***

I am not so sure Captain Britania had suffered the amount of jet lag as he would lead us to believe. I mean, seriously, we had been filming for two to three weeks by that point and all the other coaches of the land of the rising Brit had figured out their sleeping schedules just fine. Booze-lag would be my assumption, as we had heard of him being in bars/clubs quite frequently from reputable sources…our coaches! Not all of them, but a couple. The best part of hearing about the head UK "piss-artist" (look it up as it has a different meaning in the UK as what you are thinking) is all the run-ins he had with our Jiu Jitsu coach, Pancho. Pancho, or Pantcho as he would end up spelling it (he’s right off the boat and doesn’t exactly have the best understanding of our language) got into a verbal joust with "Michael Bitchbing," as Pantcho would say, and almost got into a bit of a fist-a-cuffs exchange one night at a club.

That statement still holds true today, especially when you are going to announce to the world, on live television mind you, that you slept with your best friend’s wife. Bad form man. Very bad form. I am a married man and the thing I hold "most" sacred in this world is my marriage. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING more sacred to me than my wife and the bond we share. If I found out that my best friend(s) were sleeping with my wife I would live out the rest of my days behind steel bars or in solitary.

Anyways, now that I’m done with being creepy myself, back to the show.

Last Night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter treated us to two quarterfinal matches — as well as a total breakdown within Team U.S. and the mysterious disappearance of Michael Bisping. "Wiggity Wack" (the episode’s actual title, according to my DVR) began by showing us just how fractured the Americans were becoming. Jason Dent implores his team to be mature after their first loss in episode 4, and Cameron Dollar basically tells him to stuff it, then tells the team about the 70-80 girls he’s humped, including his friend’s wife. (Hope your friend knew about that before the show, player.) Meanwhile, Team U.S.’s Jason Pierce and Team U.K.’s David Faulkner bond in the hot tub over their shared nerdiness, with Pierce predicting they’ll be friends after the show.

The one-hour stand-up comedy special that UFC color-man Joe Rogan filmed in Columbus before UFC 96 has finally gotten an airdate: June 20th at midnight ET/PT, directly following the broadcast of TheUltimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. finale. As Rogan confirmed during an appearance on The Greg Fitzsimmons Show yesterday, his will be the first of several comedy specials that Spike will air this year, and the late-night time slot allows it to be aired uncensored. ("I couldn’t believe it. They don’t have to cut anything.")

Sounds like a kickass night of free entertainment. To refresh your memories, the TUF 9 finale card be lookin’ like this:

…in which Mr. Defranco moves into the house, meets Junie Rob, and continues to establish himself as a highly creative nickname-giver. Check out Santino’s gym at www.southwestmma.com.

***

Riddle me this reader: What has an insatiable need for negative attention, loves booze like dogs love chasing tails, and comes in pairs? That’s right. You’re all correct (except those from Kentucky, who still consider reading a sign of witchcraft)…It’s a Browning! Spike and the UFC got all they could ask for and more with the short-lived time Junie Jr. was on the show. What I am wondering is: Does their mother cringe at the sight of her children acting like complete donkeys on national television? Does she hope to someday be able to adopt a child from a third-world country who has some comprehension of etiquette? Who knows? What I do know is that Junie (turned younger brother Rob’s manager) encouraged him to act like an idiot. He told him to go nuts in the house and get his 15 minutes of fame. Unfortunately, Rob adhered to his brothers words of "wisdom", as you viewed on the tele.

I walked into the house after all the rest of the fighters, as I was being tended to by those medical types at the hospital after my hoofing received by the mini pony. I knew not any details of the personalities that awaited me behind the doors of the massive Ultimate Fighter house. And as I walked through the doors for the first time I was greeted by a drunk man that was slurring his words. At first acquaintance, I was unaware if he was a "limey" or an "American Eagle" as his words were nearly incomprehensible. The little fellow then proceeded to ask me, "Who are you? Are you an American? You have two choices, you can get egged or drink a beer." My response was, "That’s not even the slightest choice. Give me a beer." Then, as our stumbling friend made his way to the fridge for beer retrieval, I scurried my self out the back door and down the stairs to meet up with my other roommates.

To quote Sgt. Hartman, it looks to me like the best part of Rob Browning ran down the crack of his momma’s ass and ended up as a stain on the mattress. My God what a useless dipshit. He’s like the dumbest redneck in the world doing a bad impression of Junie Browning. Anyway, he’s gone now, after folding like a bitch at the first sign of pressure during last night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., meaning UFC washout Jason Dent is now a full-fledged member of Team USA. The 8th American spot went to welterweight alternate Frank Lester who benefitted from Kiel Reid’s unfortunate self-knockout. But before all that…

Both teams arrive at the TUF house, and everyone’s fairly cool with each other at first. But when nobody steps up to be Rob Browning’s drinking buddy — his Shane Nelson, if you will — he gets all butthurt and starts launching eggs at his housemates from a balcony. Then he pisses in a shower, and promptly gets in the face of the larger Jason Pierce (a recurring theme with these Browning brothers). Rob smashes an egg on Jason’s chest, and Jason shows tremendous restraint in not ripping him about five new assholes.

Like Gerald Harris and Efrain Escudero before him, Team USA lightweight Santino Defranco has the great honor of blogging his reactions to each episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. every Thursday right here on CagePotato.com. Here’s what he had to say about last night’s episode, in which Santino first met Dana White (aka Lord Humungus), and dug waaaay deep to get his first victory on the show. Enjoy.

***

I was completely at peace with the fact that I was about to go through with the most tumultuous event in my life — fighting to get into a house, where I would be cut off from the rest of the world (no TV, music, magazines, books, correspondence with my wife and family) for six weeks, all the while being filmed 24 hours a day to be broadcast on national television. Then Dana White came in, and all that calmness I spent weeks preparing went out the window.

When Dana White walks into a room he’s noticed. Not only is he a physically imposing figure being around 6’2" and probably 250lbs, but he is a man of power. The latter is by far more intimidating than the former. Knowing that this bald human basically holds my future in the palm of his hand, turns me from an "Ultimate Fighter" to a child waiting to see if he is going to be praised or punished for whatever questionable deed has been done.

As Dana lined us up the nervousness that embodied that room was something fantastic. You could see people smiling, laughing, biting their cheeks, fidgeting, and even in Pierce’s case…fainting. Don’t be fooled by those swash-buckling tricksters, all was done out of nervousness, including my own silence, which, as the show continues you will see is a rarity.