Lo, the holidays! Not counting gifts, is there any more enjoyable part of December than festive food and libations? Verily there is not! Here are some non-denominational recipes designed to minimize stress and maximize, let’s say, health. Created with brevity, simplicity, and alcohol in mind, they’re perfect for young people who suddenly find themselves in a house full of food but bereft of adults willing to cook it for them. Season’s eatings! Did I just make that up? And Google says no.

Vin blanc et frommageIngredients:

One (1) 2.5 oz. bag of David Sunflower Seeds Nacho Cheese

One (1) bottle of Sancerre

Pour the entirety of the bag of sunflower seeds on a napkin. Make sure that the seeds are distributed on only one side of the napkin, as the other side of the napkin should be reserved for the discarded shells. Have another napkin nearby because the seeds will leave orange-colored residue on your fingers. Reply with an inexplicable, indefensible air of superiority when asked by a sibling if “that orange stuff” is “from, like, a million Doritos.”

To cleanse your palate, empty one quarter of a bottle of Sancerre into a coffee mug purchased on a vacation or acquired at a graduation party. Look at you, drinking from a coffee mug. How productive you must be, to drink coffee! Keep a third napkin handy for when orange stuff gets on the handle of the mug.

Le thon et du painIngredients:

One (1) can of StarKist tuna

One thing (thing) of mayonnaise

Fifteen (15) Wheat-Thins

Use a can opener to—what do you mean, you don’t know where the can opener is? Try the drawer with the chopsticks and things you use to put butter on corn. No? Uh … uh … fuck. I have no idea why whoever used it last didn’t fucking put it back. Put the can of tuna back in the pantry—you’ll be fine with the Wheat-Thins. Put 15 Wheat-Thins on a napkin and eat them.

L’artichaut chaudIngredients:

One (1) artichoke

One (1) lemon

Take the artichoke out of the refrigerator and cover it in Saran wrap. It’s strange how much food there is in the refrigerator, actually. At what point did your parents even buy all this food? It’s bizarre to think about going into a grocery store and buying hundreds of dollars worth of food. “Oh, yes, these thousand items are mine, thanks. All 60 yogurts. I’ll just be somehow taking these to my car and house in an utterly mysterious way.”

Put the artichoke in the microwave for five minutes. After five minutes, remove the artichoke. No, stop! Put oven mitts on and then remove the artichoke. You’ll be able to tell by the steam that the artichoke is hot. (It’s an old chef’s trick.) Put the artichoke in a bowl and, keeping the mitts on, peel off the Saran wrap.

Cut the lemon in half with any knife except a butter knife. It’s safe to remove the mitts for this. Squeeze the lemon onto the artichoke so lemon juice drips liberally atop its … skull. Put the two lemon halves back in the fruit drawer. Later you’ll explain that you didn’t think it would leak everywhere because you’d already squeezed out all the juice. This made perfect sense at the time and, frankly, even though you are sorry for what happened with the fruit drawer, it makes perfect sense now.

Le dessertIngredients:

Two (2) personal-size packs of Jell-O (any flavor)

One (1) bottle of Sancerre

Remove two personal-size packs of Jell-O (any flavor) from the refrigerator and place them in the freezer. While you’re in the freezer, remove the bottle of Sancerre you had put there earlier. Sit in the kitchen and drink the Sancerre, but keep things interesting by doing so out of some sort of novelty drinking glass—a coffee mug, perhaps. Do this for two hours.

After two hours, remove the Jell-O from the freezer. Unpeel the lid and lick the top to make sure it’s really frozen. Even if it’s not frozen, don’t put it back in the freezer unless you can really commit to guarding the area for the next little while: there is no more unwelcome surprise than pre-licked quasi-frozen gelatin.

Blackberry, Blackberry, Blackberry
Ingredients:

One (1) bottle of champagne

One (1) can of diet Plum A Granate Snapple*

Six (6) blackberries

It’s cocktail time E.S.T.! (It is also cocktail time P.S.T.) Open up that bottle of champagne and pour it into . . . let’s shake it up this time . . . a tea mug. Add a dash of diet Plum A Granate Snapple (or your crème de cassis/vodka/sugar-free Red Bull substitution). Plop three blackberries in the drink. When asked about the deal with the blackberries, respond haughtily that it’s a reference to your favorite Robert Hass poem. When asked politely who Robert Hass is, say “a poet and an intellectual,” and reveal no other information.

N.B.: These ingredients are enough for two Blackberry, Blackberry, Blackberrys, or one-half serving size.

** Can be substituted with crème de cassis, vodka, or sugar-free Red Bull.*