Real Housewives of Miami: The Last Supper

I’m going to go put on my best nightgown and drink a glass of wine (or 5) in your honor, La Bruja.

It is the season finale, and because this was not originally a Real Housewives franchise, there’s some weird editing, and maybe the tacking on what appears to be half of a completely different episode at the end, making for an excruciatingly long, ¡but not boring! episode. So much to talk about, so little tiempo, patitos. ¡Vamonos!

So Alexia has it fixed in her cabeza that her son, Peter, the cute 17-year-old, is going to be a model. She has decided this as a means to boost his self-esteem because apparently Pedro lost his direction and ambition after he injured his shoulder in a football game or something (and, ¿qué? ¿was going to be a NFL player? ¿why is it such a tragedy that he hurt his shoulder that it brings Alexia to tears?) and NOT because he’s the spoiled oldest son of a Latina woman with lots of money who took one look around and realized that there was no reason for him to study or work hard because he would always have his mami to take care of him. That is NOT the case at all. However, it is also very importante that Alexia lets you know that just because she is in the magazine business, and just because she controls the careers of many photographers and modelling agents in the greater Miami area, she’s not going to pull any strings or use her connections to hand her son a career on a silver platter. Nope. He has to earn it.

And so she takes Peter to an agency where the agent seems generally unimpressed and where Peter helpfully explains that he wants to be a model because his mami told him to, and they take some awkward pictures of him with his shirt off and he gets all enojado at his mother because he ate too much at lunch and is worried that he looks muy gordo, and I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT CHEESEBURGUESA BEFORE YOUR BIG MODELING APPOINTMENT, PEDRO, AND I’M NOT REAL CLEAR ON WHY THAT’S YOUR MADRE’S FAULT and then the agent announces that they want to sign him to a 2-year contract but notes that Peter needs más personality. Indeed.

¿There’s some sort of awkward dinner with Alexia’s family and Peter’s girlfriend’s family? ¿Maybe for their high school graduation? This is unclear. What is clear is that Alexia has written a ridiculous sappy letter to her oldest child, which she reads through her lágrimas to her child’s mortification. Well played, mami. Well played.

Adriana and her leering Frenchman have decided to take a weekend getaway at what I can only presume is a hotel down the street from their house. ¡Qué exotic! As they get massages and slather each other with mud or somesuch, Adriana pesters Leery Désleersalot about getting married. He’s noncommittal.

Adriana then steps it up a notch, performing a strip tease for him and the cameras in their hotel room, and, again, SO MUCH CULO. Ay. She then performs a lazy lap dance for him, ¿but apparently Leery spends too much time looking at her face and eyes and not enough time looking at her culo? ¿Which upsets Adriana? AY. And then they head into the bedroom to watch Maru videos and mercifully that’s where this particular nightmare ends.

EXCEPT THAT IT IS NOT. We then get to go along with Adriana and Leery on a boat ride and as far as I can tell Adriana is wearing nothing more than a scarf, a big brimmed hat and some colorful bandages attached with thread. There’s mucho posing with her legs splayed or rolling about on what appears to be un dirty sandbar across from some floating cranes. Which is where she once again brings up the subject of el matrimonio. ¡Qué romántico! ¡Qué sexy!

Larsa has decided to host some sort of fashion fiesta for her amigas. I don’t know. Something with wine and nibbly bites to eat and clothes to try on. Mostly, it’s an excuse to throw these six women in a room together again because they clearly would not spend any time together otherwise, ¿and can you blame them? Cristy uses the opportunity to suggest that Lea, Lo Peor, being from Texas, is out of her social depth in Miami and, anyway, ¿what has she done besides being Roy Black’s esposa? And while I agree with Cristy’s overall thesis — and have said as much in previous entries — it does beg the question ¿what, exactly, Cristy has done aside from being Glen Rice’s ex-wife and provocateur? BUT ANYWAY. Lo Peor announces in the interview that she’s going to take the high road on this whole Cristy didn’t pay for her boleta to the Gala nonsense, because the past is the past. However, Larsa did not get the “Please Do Not Pick at Scabs” memo, and proceeds to march over to Adriana and shriek at her for bringing up the issue at Larsa’s FUNNER lunch. Adriana, in response, takes off her clothes and parades around in a bathing suit. Because, por supuesto.

¡La Bruja! ¡Oh how I have missed you, Mujer Con Cara de la Rana! La Bruja is at Marysol’s casa to see her daughter’s wedding pictures, and to rock some amazing socks con her zapatos. (Which reminds me of my own madre who has a penchant for wearing holiday-themed socks with her zapatos. Maybe it’s a bruja thing. Not that I am saying my madre is a bruja. Except that she totally is.) La Bruja notes, accurately, that Baguette Peu looks like a bodyguard watching over Marysol’s mink in most of the pictures, and I just couldn’t love her more. ¡OH WAIT! ¡Yes, I can! Because soon La Bruja is asking Marysol whether she and Baguette Peu are talking about having children, and Marysol begins sighing heavily about work and being busy and work and needing more space and work and anyway, ¿does La Bruja even want to be una abuelita? And La Bruja admits that no, not really. Maybe she could have been una abuelita when she was 35, 40 (¡!) but now that she is ¿99? ¿Who needs it? Bebés would cut into her wine-drinking-in-nightgowns time. Te amo, La Bruja.

Boring = Marysol complaining that Baguette Peu plays with his BlackBerry too much. She informs him that he will be cooking for her turn at hosting the ladies’ lunch and he’s all, “~shrug~ ¿Can I go back to my BlackBerry now?” END SCENE.

Because the mujeres are muy competitive with these lunches for some reason, Marysol takes tremendous pride in her table and its centerpieces and menu cards. These are, literally, the things that fill these women’s tiny tiny heads. Menu cards. The fonts thereon.

I’m going to need more wine.

La Bruja arrives to the party and exclaims over how hermosa everything is before grabbing a glass of rosé and growling at Baguette Peu when he suggests she might like an ice cube for her drink. ¡NO! ¡¿WHAT KIND OF CRIME IS BAGUETTE PEU TRYING TO COMMIT?! (¡Te amo, La Bruja!)

The other women arrive and Larsa immediately begins asking about the famosa psychic La Bruja, NOT THAT SHE BELIEVES IN ANY OF THAT, JUST FOR THE RECORD. Larsa and Lo Peor discuss visiting a psychic some time, and decide that the only way to do so would be to give false names and dress as prostitutes, because, yes. These are the steps one takes before going to a palm reader. Step one: Come up with a stripper name. Step two: Bust out the pleather zippered skirt and an ill-fitting tank top. Step three: Cram on the clear 6-inch heels. Step four: Learn your future. Larsa later explains that SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN PSYCHICS. Her theory is that “psychics” merely judge people on their physical attractiveness: if you are a pretty woman, a psychic is going to tell you that you are going to end up with someone “great.” However, if you are an ugly woman, a psychic will tell you you’re going to get a good education.

LOOK OUT, LO PEOR. SOMEONE IS HOT ON YOUR HEELS FOR YOUR TITLE.

So, Larsa, EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THIS, marches over to La Bruja and begins pestering the woman for a reading. Reluctantly, La Bruja tells Larsa that she’s worried about un hombre, and Larsa freaks out. La Bruja offers to discuss it privately with her some other time, but Larsa won’t let it go and starts insisting that it’s one of her sons, which La Bruja shakes away dismissively. Larsa helpfully explains later that SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THIS, and anyway, she thought psychics were only supposed to tell you uno of dos things: 1. You have nice hair or 2. You have a nice spirit.

For the record: I am not making up anything that Larsa said. This is all fact. She is just terrible.

The remaining women arrive and Marysol announces that she and Baguette Peu are going to be the celebrity chefs for the evening, and they proceed to prepare … frozen salmon. Meaning, Baguette Peu literally goes into the freezer, takes out individually wrapped salmon fillets and throws them into boiling agua and announces “¡Ta-da! ¡Le dîner est servi!” while Las Cubanasare ¡shocked! and ¡outraged! Genius. This is genius. Y muy hilarante.

They sit down at their perfectly calligraphied place cards to enjoy their frozen salmon and someone who deserves a raise made sure that Larsa was seated next to La Bruja. Hey, ¿did you know that Larsa doesn’t believe in psychics? BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY DOESN’T. And yet she goes on to berate La Bruja and her talents and demands that La Bruja turn her atenciones to the other mujeres, even though the other mujeres didn’t ask La Bruja for a reading in la primer place. La Bruja notes that Lo Peor is perfectly happy, Adriana needs un hombre, and Larsa is emotionally immature. Larsa takes this as well as you might expect, accusing La Bruja of being mean to her because Larsa is “younger and cuter” than las otras mujeres (her words, not mine) NOT THAT SHE BELIEVES IN ANY OF THIS, and then goes on a shrieking tirade about how all las otras mujeres are on multiple marriages and SHE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS BEEN MARRIED ONCE AND SCOTTIE PIPPEN IS NOT CHEATING ON HER AND SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE KICKED OUT OF THEIR MCMANSION BY SOME 19-YEAR-OLD TROLLOP HE MEETS IN CLEVELAND, NOT THAT SHE BELIEVES IN ANY OF THIS ANYWAY.

Uninterested in Larsa’s shenanigans, La Bruja (after being accused by someone of being drunk, and taking great offense: “¡I AM A LADY!”) turns her attention to Cristy, and explains to her in Español that Cristy is to blame for the break-up of her marriage to Glen Rice because of the slutting around. Cristy shrugs.

Sometime later, ¿the next día? who can say, La Bruja returns to Marysol’s casa, where they only briefly discuss the dinner fiesta, before La Bruja has had bastante. So what. Who cares. Meanwhile, Cristy sunbathes at Larsa’s house where Larsa once again reminds everyone that 1. she has a perfect life, 2. La Bruja es loca and 3. SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN PSYCHICS ANYWAY.

BUT WE’RE NOT TERMINADO YET, GATITOS. Lo Peor has one last luncheon planned for the ladies, and sends them all invitations instructing them to wear white gloves and sombreros. They all arrive at Casa de Lo Peor where Larsa begins tearing into Marysol for not defending Larsa from La Bruja, and helpfully explains YET AGAIN that her life es perfecta and SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN PSYCHICS. NOT AT ALL.

Lo Peor then loads the women into a limo which drives them two hours out into the swap to Paradise Farms, some hippie organic farm, where the women are going to eat a salad made from flowers and weeds that they are going to pick themselves. This is met with exactly the kind of enthusiasm you’d expect, with much whinging about bugs and it’s hot and they’re wearing high heels and they want hamburguesas and why do they have to pick the flowers themselves. Lo Peor just cackles and cackles because she is Lo Peor and wore reasonable shoes while tricking the rest of them into wearing stilettos. And there is a moment when Larsa calls La Bruja una perra to Marysol’s shock and horror and ¡DIOS MIO! ¿ARE WE DONE YET? ¿WE ARE? ¡GRACIAS A DIOS!

¡BUT WAIT! “Funny” epilogues for las mujeres, verbatim:

Cristy keeps options open … with her kids, her business and her love life. Attending Lea’s next Gala is NOT an option.

Larsa’s in Chicago while Scottie works for the Bulls. Her Florida house awaits … her nannies … not so much.

Alexia’s going to take “Venue” national … right after Peter’s new photo shoot and Frankie’s basketball game.

Lea’s already working the BlackBerry … her next Gala promises to be bigger than the last. And so will security.

Marysol and Philippe seriously talk about adopting a child … between client meetings.

Elsa is not “feeling” the Grandma vibe.

Adriana got private school covered and got a ring from Frederic. She’s running late for everything else.

FUNNER.

¡Al final! Except not really. We’ve got a live reunion show next week, lechones. ¡Live! Pero, La Bruja won’t be there, so what’s the point, really.