Friday, 14 February 2014

How to dress a baby in a nappy and three layers of clothing as it crawls away as fast as possible, whilst ensuring a xylophone beater stays in its left
hand at all times

Household flotsam that previously had no discernible use
(lid-less Tupperware, boxes of ping-pong balls) will hold a baby’s interest
longer than the entire stock of the Early Learning Centre. Rule: if it has no
small parts and makes a noise when struck, don’t
t throw it out

TMI warning: If, pre-baby, you have ever had negative
thoughts about the snotty offspring of others, this basically acts as a curse
ensuring your children will always have an impossibly large glistening string
of snot swinging from their nostril. This will be a permanent facial fixture until their 30th
birthday.

Extreme TMI warning: If this snot forms a crust upon your
child’s nostril, do not, I REPEAT DO NOT attempt to remove it. It is there for
a reason. To hold back the tsunami.

Never leave the house with a baby and fewer than
three correct sized nappies for that baby. Never.

Re. the above, apparently even the cutest baby has the capacity to poo so hard it ends up shooting down trousers and into socks without even grazing the legs...

...so it might be worth putting a change of clothes for
yourself in that change bag.

Anybody wishing to purchase a singing/talking/shrieking
plastic toy for somebody else’s offspring should be forced to sit in a locked
room with it playing on repeat for 48 hours before purchase is permitted.

People tell you maternity leave is all sitting in coffee
shops eating cake. This is because coffee shops now function as drug clinics
where you can get a supervised hit of the caffeine and sugar you are now
hopelessly addicted to, with a bit of counselling on the side.

Also, nobody ever warns you that somewhere between 6 and 12
months your child will become mobile, these coffee dates will stop dramatically,
and you will be forcibly catapulted into the seventh circle of hell: SOFT PLAY.

You will want to call whoever brought you up and tell them
you’re sorry on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.

But for some preposterous reason, once you’ve been immersed
in this crazy, puke-splattered, saggy eyed, puree-smeared world, you may never
want to leave. And even if you do, things will certainly never be the same again...