Jul 16, 2011

When I woke up thursday morning, knowing it was my last day there, I couldn't stop tearing up. I had to try not to burst into tears twice in the lobby. I loved my trip. I loved, loved, loved my trip. I really needed it. I had the best time, it felt so good to be away, to be there and to be with new people and places. Old and new really, the change of scenery is just what I needed. By the time I got in late on thursday night I was sleep deprived. Emotionally and physically exhausted and practically delirious. Yesterday I woke up in a major funk. I hated that I couldn't rush out the door and into the busy street, see another broadway show in the evening and end the night with my friends at a new bar. Absolutely hated it. I'm still trying to shake a bit of the funk today...

I stayed at the Hotel Pennsylvania on 33rd & 7th. It was big and old. Not the best place I've stayed but not the worst. I never care much about where I'm staying as long as it's in midtown.

I dunno wtf this stain was...

I always go to Chelsea. Chelsea Market is where I had lunch everyday for years. It always has new stores but many are the same. I ate a delicious sandwich from Hale & Hearty and was glad to see Ruths, where I used to get my daily coffee, was still there. I only wished I would have had time to eat at Chelsea Tai, where my favorite pad tai is.

Walked passed Flight on my last day, the bar we always hung out in as students.

I've said for YEARS that my very favorite mexican restaurant is Mary Ann's in Chelsea. I eat there every time I go. I always get the same thing, the Sixteenth Street. Oh man. It was DELICIOUS as always.

I have always liked to spend some time sitting alone in Lincoln Center. My old classrooms at Juilliard looked out over this courtyard. Took this picture when I went to purchase my ticket to "War Horse". And yes, the play was amazing. One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I just wanted to cry and cry by the end, but I couldn't because I'd ruin my makeup and I was meeting friends right after. All I wanted was to hold Noodles while watching it. I can't even tell you the story of it or think of Albert's voice saying "Good boy, Joey!" Without choking up. My god.

Had some LATE nights. Don't even think about waking me up with your housekeeping! NO MOLESTE! :)

This is the subway I'd get out of each day to go to school.:)

There was the day of the call back. By a strange turn of events and connections made here in SLC, I was invited to a callback and was able to perform a whole bunch of material in front of a big NYC casting director as well as a brilliant local playwright and director(s) from a theatre in MA. I was lucky and grateful and am left wanting more of those opportunities and chances to perform elsewhere.

Billy is one of my very favorites. We met in NYC years ago and have managed to stay in touch and see each other every so often. We have a blast. My first night there we went to six bars. Some were old haunts and some were new to me. Arlene's Grocery was my favorite place. Monday night karoke!

He took this pic of me before my first subway ride of the trip!

John is another favorite friend. We met at at YouTube gathering. Our connection was instant and we were attached at the hip the next four days. We hadn't seen each other in two years. It was so great to be in the same place again.

I saw "Spider-Man". If you know me, then you know Spidey is my favorite superhero. You know how I could've cared less what critics were saying about the show and that I couldn't wait to see a freaking Spider-Man musical with my own eyes. You also may know that I once did a show with Patrick Page (Green Goblin) and you may have heard me say he is arguably the best actor I've ever observed in "real life". You also may know that through reading about the show, I became a fan of Reeve Carney (Spider-Man). So I stayed after to say hi to Patrick and to tell Reeve he is a rockstar. And by the way? The show is fun as hell. I'd see it again, for the "Bouncing of the Walls" number alone.

There is no such thing as cute, comfortable shoes for NYC. There's just not.

I'm still trying to process it all and try to figure out what happens next. It's always so special and emotional (obviously) when I'm there. I wish I could be in two places at once.

John took and posted this of me across the platform on my last night and titled it "Hard to say goodbye"...

Jul 10, 2011

Time to take off & see what I can see. Leaving early tomorrow morning, back on thursday night. Work and play. Play and work. I also found out that I booked a job I'd been hoping for through my agency. They are working around my schedule (that's rare) so I'll be back in town just in time to shoot. I'll be on set all day friday and again the next monday. What a week this will be!

I'll have LOTS to report and I'll also be anxious to get back to my "New York Diaries" portion of this blog.

See you in a week!

I'll be tweeting here & there so follow me! @Deena Marie

Smell ya later! ;)

PS Take a little Rumi with you this week...I know I will :)"What you seek is seeking you."

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?"

"Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."

"Let Yourself Be Silently Drawn By the Stronger Pull Of That Which You Really Love."

"Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you. Unfold your own myth."

Jul 9, 2011

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Kim Kardashian's ass is 100% real. She got an x-ray on tv to prove it to you. Yes, you. Isn't that big of her? Pun intended.

Megan Fox also jumped on the "prove it" bandwagon this week, showing us that she can't possibly have had botox because if she had...she couldn't make her forehead do this:

So not one to be left out, I bring you a pic of my own. This was taken behind the scenes of a photo shoot a month or two ago. I know you've all been wondering...how can they possibly be real? But yes, oh yes. They are.

I think I'm sooooooo funny.

All kidding aside, I actually have very strong opinions about body image, plastic surgery and the media.

Jul 4, 2011

The Office. OMFG how is it that I haven't mentioned this in a previous post yet?!The last couple months I started at episode one and watched straight through. I was addicted. I've never loved a show (comedy) more. I'm a little obsessed. I'm pretty sure I'm Dwight's biggest fan. I even dreamed we were hanging out and he was throwing me in a swimming pool. What does it all mean?! I'm also pretty sure I'm going to need therapy to deal with the loss of Michael Scott. And to deal with the fact I'm out of episodes for now. I'm also having a hard time believing that they're not real people. That means that my dream of a 24/7 live feed of Dunder Mifflin probably won't happen. It also means that I probably can't change careers and take a job there, right next to Oscar and Kevin. I won't be able to bring back Cafe Disco and I certainly won't spend a night at Schrute Farms.

I'm into my new hat.

I'm into the Glee Project.#TeamCameronMitchell watch it. Find him on twitter & facebook & support the hell outta him.

I'm into my YouTube friend, Michael Buckley of the What the Buck Show for always helping and supporting my online life and for being simply amazeballs. Go subscribe to all his channels right now. Drop what you're doing and go. Good bunnies.

I'm into doing all that is in my power to make all my dreams come true. I'm proud to be moving forward in "fighting the good fight" and not allowing myself to accept otherwise.

I'm into these quotes:‎"Never stop dreaming. Follow the omens."

"No matter what he does, every person on earth plays a central role in the history of the world."

"God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly, not one."

I'm into the book I just finished, "The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coelhoand I suggest you read the blog I wrote about it last month: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/fighting-good-fight.html

I'm into following my heart more than ever from here on out.

I'm into Spiderman. But that's nothing new. What IS new is that I just got my row D ticket to Spiderman on bway in the mail and I'll be there in a week. I don't care what you've heard or read about it. I. can't. wait. And you know I'll be waiting after to meet Peter Parker. I need to buy a new dress. I mean, what does one wear to meet SPIDERMAN?! Especially when he looks like this. Oh dear.

I'm into working out. Ready to start week 6 in the gym for cardio followed by weights and resistance and continue on this path to be what I want to be physically. 5-6 days a week, baby. I'm so proud of myself.

I'm into the poem in th note my friend Emma tagged me in on facebook.

The following is a poem, introduced to me by one of the most powerful souls I've encountered. It speaks to the lexicon of my soul. To know you in this way is my highest wish. This is the tapestry of which I wish to weave our relations... Allow me passage into your heat, offering privy the truest essence of who you are. I offer the same. I love you, now, in this moment. Thank you for coloring my world so brilliantly.

Always,Emma

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Jul 3, 2011

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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That summer at CAP21 I became close to a few of my fellow students. There was Matt, who was the other "favorite" of the acting teachers. We nailed whatever scene or exercise we were assigned and often had magical moments. Particularly in a scene from "Key Exchange" and in a monologue I delivered to him from "Romeo & Juliet".

Ashley was a squeaky clean very young looking performer. You know how sometimes you meet people that seem to really like you and you're not quite sure why? They are drawn to you and desperately put themselves in a position to get to know you and be around you? That was Ashley. I guess it goes back to being an only child, but I have always liked to take a little time out for myself when I'm around groups of people for a long time. So I often chose to go to lunch alone. I'd rush out as fast as I could when it was our lunch break. I would get a sandwich at Subway because while it wasn't the closest place, it was out of the way and I liked that bit of time to myself. One day Ashley caught up with me as I was making my usual mad dash and invited herself. She made it known on the walk there that she completely agreed with me, that it was nice to get away from school for awhile and she liked going with me much better. Great. Now I had a little lunch buddy. She sold merchandise at "Les Miz" and was certain it was going to get her a job in the show. She told me one day over pizza in midtown that her rendition of "On My Own" was "better than anyone I know".

Then there was Paul and Diana. They were my favorites. Paul was young but very mature and an adorable gay boy. Diana was from Brazil. She was loud, funny, everyones favorite and could belt like nobody's business.

I'll never forget her renditions of "Maybe this time" and "A New Life". She had such a natural gift. It came so easy to her, but it was almost too much for her to handle. The way she had to stand to brace herself for this enormous sound to come out was unlike anything I'd ever seen. That was one of the most interesting things about acting school. Both at CAP and at ATC. Seeing everyone's beginning. What they could do and could not yet do. What they were aware of and not yet aware of. How they learned to harness their gifts. Watching how everyone developed and gained awareness was nothing short of incredible.

I went out with Paul and Diana a few times. I have pictures of us all out for mexican food and margaritas. I really loved hanging out with them but a threesome is awkward. I remember feeling like they were really bonding and I felt a little left out.

I was in awe of the bios of all our teachers back then. Tours, broadway, you name it. Once one of my dance teachers and I found ourselves alone in the bathroom at the same time. I was so excited to get the chance to ask her some questions and show her how I'd read her bio by asking her about certain roles she played. She seemed pretty young and I was in awe of all she'd done. Plus, she had a tattoo of her sign on her ankle that I thought was pretty badass. Performers weren't supposed to get tattoos, right? We'd both played the role of Diana in productions of "A Chorus Line" so I figured that was a good place to start. But when I tried to talk to her she was very cold and gave me one word answers. I told her I'd done the show, too. "Judy?" She asked. "Uh, no. Diana." I responded. "Oh". She said and left. Um...okay.

One day toward the end of CAP I snuck out of a ballet class early and got yelled at by that teacher the next time she saw me. This teacher was older, she'd been doing this a long time and she didn't take any bullshit. Oops. I felt bad, I felt guilty. I was disappointed in myself. If I remember correctly I had no excuse other than I was being lazy that day. I was tired, and I'm pretty sure I wanted to get out and see The Guy.

I remember a voice teacher I had who was very supportive and made sense to me. I liked learning from. I liked the new songs he was introducing me to. I always wished I'd had the funds to continue on in private lessons with him.

I passed his info to The Guy who needed an emergency vocal coach once. I can't remember why he needed him, he wasn't a musical theatre performer. The Guy came back with a story about going to his house where the voice teacher kept referring to what The Guy was pretty sure was his partner as his "houseguest" and later that night when I was at The Guy's he kept calling me his houseguest.

At CAP one day we played a game one day called "Essences". I loved this game and I've always wanted to play it again within a group of friends in a cast or class. You sit in a circle and each person takes a turn. If it's your turn, you choose someone in the circle but you don't reveal who you've picked. You go around the circle then and everyone asks you a question such as: What season are they? What scent would they be? What color would they be? What animal would they be? etc. You can be creative in your questioning and when someone thinks they know who it is based on your answers they can ask you. It's fascinating. Fascinating to see how people see you and how, depending on who it is and how well you know each other, you can almost guess quickly. After we played, I journaled what others had said about me.

July 20

I'm sensual, mysterious, mature with a hint of naiveté as well as facade. A hawk, a peacock, forest green, a plum, france, turkey, a sugar coated pastry, fall...this is all according to Matt by the way. To Paul and Diana I'm jade, pink, sparrow, hyena, vodka, a cosmo, mexican food, pink.

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I'm glad I wrote those down. I never would have remembered otherwise and it's still interesting to me. Most of those weren't and are not how I would see, identify with or describe myself. I'd be so curious to hear what others would see so many years later, as a woman.

Meanwhile back in The Bronx, the foreign roommate that I literally never saw the entire time I lived there was suddenly moving out. A new roommate would be coming in! This time it was a guy, Darren. He looked like a young Mark Wahlberg. We became fast friends and started to hang out. He was mysterious. He was nice and we got along but he had a little bit of a bad boy vibe and I'm sure he did alright with the ladies. Upon meeting him you might have thought he was in NYC to be an actor, but no. He was a musician. And not the kind of musician you'd expect. I went to see him a few times, once where he was playing in a pretty nice restaurant. I went with Paul from CAP. Darren would play the guitar and sing some surprisingly pretty mellow stuff. One of his signature songs was "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay"! We also went dancing a few times, to huge crowded clubs in the city and stayed until the wee hours of the morning.

I remember he liked to smoke the ganja and was always knocking on my door to see if I wanted to partake. That wasn't really my thing so most of the time I said no, but always thought it was, um, nice of him to ask. And ask again.

One day he knocked on my door because someone had given him a box full of cigarettes. Cartons and cartons of lucky strikes. He knocked to offer me my own carton. Those I took from him, and took out on the town with The Guy and his roomate, Ty. We went to a beautiful, hip, modern bar where I almost wasn't let in. The Guy said not to worry, Ty could always get around this. Ty talked to the man at the door, I don't know what was said but the next thing I knew we were inside. Upstairs at a table in one of the coolest NYC bars I'd seen yet, smoking my lucky strikes from Marky Mark.

I was loving seeing The Guy and always getting butterflies in my stomach when I knew I'd be seeing The Guy. I don't think I could still grasp the concept that it was real. I still couldn't get over how handsome he was and how he was there to meet me when I'd see him coming down the sidewalk. I lived for the weekend when I could cross my fingers and hope for a call. I was always nervous about it and while I was certainly enjoying myself, a part of me was waiting for it all to mess up or disappear. Anytime he wanted to see me I'd drop what I was doing and jump at the chance.

My second year at Atlantic would be starting up soon. This was the year you had to be invited back for. While I wasn't worried about not getting an invite it was a sigh of relief to receive my letter in the mail to confirm my spot. And it wasn't really a surprise to anyone when Martha was not asked back.

Now that year one was done, we could also audition. I'd begun to go to auditions as soon as I could. I booked a reading pretty quickly. Wasn't a big deal, but it was nice to do something else. I also started auditioning for "The Donkey Show." I auditioned three times. As it turned out, three times was the charm...

Jul 1, 2011

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I debated wether to make this entry purely the next installment, or about where I am in the writing process. One day when I truly have turned all of this into a book, it will be elaborated and expanded and while it will be my truth, it will be a story. A story of a long time ago full of experiences that will only get farther away and harder to remember. I like that right now I can write about the then and the now. How I'm feeling through this process, today.

It's been a weird time. It's what I would imagine therapy to be. I'm reflecting and linking together all that has happened in my life to lead me to who I am and where I am right this very minute. I'm realizing there are behavioral patterns I've (surprisingly) kept. I've realized there are things I never properly dealt with. I am realizing there are aspects of my personality I should never ignore and should always keep an eye on. I'm realizing that while people can and do change, there is a great part of us that is wired from the start and that's just a fact.

Thank god I have My Sweetheart to talk this all out with. Time and time again, he gets me through.

Now onto part twelve...

June 4

...thinking about The Guy, the fact that he called, the fact that he called, the fact he probably likes me, the fact that I liked him at first sight and the fact that I'm getting the chance with him through all odds...

...I knew there'd be a way. I never knew how I'd meet him, I didn't know how it'd happen after I found out he had a girlfriend of two years, but I knew it would...

...I have to keep reminding myself that he's just a guy, just a person, like me. Possibly scared, intimidated etc and that he just possibly could be sincere and that I do deserve it. "It's been a mysterious world for me". He said he's relationship phobic, in a nonchalant way, and while I think if I had a relationship, if I just had that rock there in big bad NYC I'd be okay...I also truly know I haven't a clue how to go about a real relationship and I'm so out of practice, so jaded, I'm scared to death of one!

I don't know how a relationship works. I think maybe all I need to do is learn not to be scared to be myself. That's all I'll ever be and whoeer ends up with me will be because of that. So I'd like to say, when responding to "I'm phobic of relationships", that I don't accept that as an excuse. Who isn't? I am. It's just assumed. But it can never be an excuse. Because (to quote "Meet Joe Black") you have to "keep yourself open, you never know when lightning may strike".

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My summer visit back home was over quickly. I got sick with pneumonia at the end and suddenly time was up. I was a little nervous as I returned to NYC later that month. But I would be busy immediately. I was about to start the six week summer intensive at NYU's CAP21, their musical theater program.

I enjoyed this first summer living in NYC. Now that I look back, and maybe I'm romanticizing, but it held magic. What a time. What a special time of firsts and of new things and things that will never be again.

I remember seeing The Guy almost as soon as I got back. I remember what I was wearing and how I was sweaty and sticky and terribly anxious and excited as I walked through the streets to meet him. I met him at a friends house in the city where he was giving them a tv, or picking up a tv? Can't quite remember. We went to his place in Brooklyn after. He lived with his best friend, Ty, but we were home alone when we got back to his place. It was the first time we'd been together since my birthday. It was the first time we'd been alone in awhile. We took advantage of that on that hot and sunny afternoon.

This is when I truly began seeing The Guy. We started see each other just about every weekend. I was more and more head over heels every time I saw him.

CAP21 gave me a chance to be in my element and to meet new people. I met a lot of new friends there and we went out a lot during those six weeks.

I loved performing my assignments and discovering new songs, new scenes and learning from teachers who once again helped and inspired me.

We also had guest teachers and to this day I often think of the one that told us that when you're at an audition, despite all the other other people auditioning, it's only "between you and whoever gets the part." That's always brought a great comfort and clarity to me.

I think one of the most positive things to come out of the CAP21 experience was that I gained a boost of confidence. I don't even know if I was fully aware of it then. But in moving into a big pond, I found I was a little fish. When I started school at ATC I had began to wonder if I was still special. I'd been used to being the chosen one. Now, I wondered if it would ever be that way again?

At CAP I was the best actress. Whenever there were scenes or acting exercises it was myself and a guy who were the "star pupils" for lack of a better term. I was feeling a little "schooled-out" still, but the experience was like a little burst of the familiar in a new unfamiliar life.

I remembered again, this is what comes easy to me. This is where I should be and this is what I do.

Deena Marie Manzanares

Actor | TV Host | Model |

Hello!

Thanks for stopping by! I'm Deena Marie Manzanares, a professional actor, model, and tv host. I'm a member of Actors Equity Association, and represented by Talent Management Group. I am a freelance host, and reporter on various local tv stations, and an on camera reporter for Stringham Schools. I'm brand ambassador for businesses Got Beauty, Pro Do, and Pink Blush. Over the years I created a large social media following thanks to becoming a YouTube Partner on my channels BeanerLaRue & TheDeenaShow. I'm a single mama to my sweet boy, Charlie. He is the brightest spot in my life. Welcome to my blog, this is the place where I pour my heart out.

Words to live by:

If there's only one nation in the sky, shouldn't all passports be valid for it?

-Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it's a profound source of spirituality.