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Archive for November, 2012

So one of my followers was getting into it with Killer Mike over one of these billions of PhotoShopped Obama/Dr King pictures and for some strange reason Killer Mike was really upset about it. I read the back and forth banter for a while then it dawned on me “This nigga won a Grammy and now he arguing with ordinary people about pictures of Obama this nigga losing”. How did homie get here? Then it hit me…

1. Rappers fall off everyday B
Unlike being an athlete, singer or an actor falling off from rapping has to be the hardest. Once an athlete’s career is done he can become a commentator, sports analysis and coach or get a job in the front office of some team. Singers can dial down to doing smaller venues after the records stop selling; Boyz II Men are still on tour performing “End of the Road” like twice a week. Once the records stop selling you still have your voice so you can still sing until people stop coming to your shows. Actors can go on to live regular lives with the occasionally “Weren’t you Stacy in the Wood or something?” and if you say no they’ll probably take you at your word as you attempt to sell them a car stereo at Best Buy. Fallen rappers woes go much deeper you can’t go on to be a bank teller at PNC after winning a Grammy niggas are going to know who you are. You have no choice but try to keep the dream alive even after your tour bus turns into a cargo van and your bankroll turns into a prepaid VISA that you’re only suppose to use to buy gas. Media Takeout is going to post pictures of you standing in line a Wal-Mart like they did Beanie and the world is going to laugh at you.

2. I can’t go back to broke
If I’m making 20 bucks an hour I know it will take sweet baby Jesus personally coming down from heaven to get me to go back to making 10 an hour. So if I got to go from balling out of control and dressing like 2Chainz back to driving an average man Jeep Compass and shopping for my clothes in TJ Maxx you might as well kill me. I got to move to a 3rd world country where niggas making like 18 cents a day so I can maintain my balling just a little bit longer. I’d be killing it in the slums of Mongolia with a hut the size of a grocery store.

3. My friends going to want to be put on
If you can’t sing you know you can’t sing nobody is going to have Simon Cowell William Hung you to see it. If you can’t play ball you know you can’t play ball, none of Lebron’s homies are asking for tryouts with the Heat. Every black man under 40 thinks he can rap especially with what’s passing for music these days. Even I think I can rap and I don’t rap at all but I put words together all the time. I’d get my Dylon on in the booth and spit hot fire. So just imagine when all my homies keep showing up at the studio trying to put down their 16 bars on my remix and I got to tell them all to get fuck out of here. I’ll be friendless.

4. I don’t do drugs
I could never get up with my rapper cohorts because they are going to be popping Mollies and I’ll be sitting there sober. They’ll be having the time of their lives smoking loud while drinking prescription grade cough syrup and I’ll be sitting in the corner quietly smoking my black & mild cigar. I don’t want to have seizures like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne. I can’t show up to the party smoking Reggie and drinking children’s strength grape Dimetapp to fit in, they’re going to laugh at me. Just imagine how Rick Ross’s titties bounce when he’s laughing I’d be scarred for life.

5. I’d try to fuck every girl on the video set
Anybody saw French Montana’s “Pop That” video? Of course you did, but if you didn’t go ahead click over to YouTube. Fire that video up I’ll be waiting right here when you get back… You see those half naked women running around shaking ass like shit is sweet? Oh, I couldn’t have been there, at least 1 of them would have gotten fucked before they even started shooting. I’d just grab a few of those Mollies off of Rick Ross and get the party started. I wouldn’t get shit accomplished because I’d be chasing down these video hoes.

I got to stick with this average Joe life
Jean DeGrate won’t be rapping

Another week in the books, and another review just in time for you to make your picks for the week. But before we get to Week 10, a recap of Week 9. In Week 9 we saw the once dominant NFC East continue to struggle to close out games. All four teams in the division lost. The Eagles were not able to capitalize against the New Orleans Saints, which has the worst defense in the NFL. Michael Vick continued to give the other team the ball in his own red zone. Vick was in trouble every time he dropped back to pass , which led to his younger brother, Marcus Vick to tweet a request for the Eagles to trade Michael because of the lack of protection he was receiving in the pocket. The was a Clown tweet, son. The Redskins lost to the one win Carolina Panthers at home, allowing two 90+ yard scoring drives in the process. Both the Skins and the Eagles have gone away from the running game which then allows the defense to stack the line adding more pressure to the QB. America’s Team lost to the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday Night allowing Matty Ice to throw for 342 yards and Burner to run for over a Buck. And then there’s the only above .500 team in the Division, the New York Giants, who lost to Big Ben and the banged up Steelers. The Steelers D forced Eli to produce his worst performance of the season with a 41.1 QB Rating. At this point, it looks as only one team from the NFC East will make the playoffs.

The NFC North looks to be impressive, with wins from the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears. The Packers seem to be back on the right track after a slow start at the beginning of the season. Aaron Rodgers leads the NFL in TD’s with 25 after 9 games. And he is doing so without Greg Jennings and limited play from Donald Driver. As of late, two emerging stars in James Jones and Randall Cobb have help Rodgers remain on his MVP pace of last season. Still a vulnerable spot the team is the defense, which needs to step up to help them remain contenders. A team that doesn’t seem to have a problem defensively though is the Chicago Bears. The Bears defense has 7 TD’s on the season through 8 games, including 2 from Sunday night. They also have 28 takeaways, (17 INT’s, 11 Fum Rec). At mid-season, Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall look to be back to their old form when they played together in Denver. Marshall leads the team in yards ,797, and TD’s with 7. Besides the two of them, the Bears only have utilized one other weapon on offense, Matt Forte. If they plan to go deep into the playoffs, they must find other options if team key in on their playmakers.

Week 9 was not short of great individual performances and stories either. Adrian Peterson is putting up monster numbers still, as he leads the league in rushing all while not being completely 100%. Although the Vikings lost to the Seahawks on Sunday, it was not due to lack of effort on the part of AD. He ran for 182 yards and 2 TD’s, including a burst for 74 yards, proving that he hasn’t lost a step. In the last few weeks it looks as though we’re seeing a Chris Johnson that we somewhat recognize as well. He’s run a lot more consistent over the past four weeks and continues to get stronger. If he keeps this up, maybe he can reclaim his CJ2K nickname from a couple of years back. A guy who I am not surprised at all with that has been putting up monster numbers over the last few games is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Doug Martin. After putting up 214 total offensive yards and 2 TD’s in Week 8, Martin followed it up with 251 yards on the ground and FOUR TOUCHDOWNS in Week 9. The rookie out of Boise State became the first player in NFL history with 3 TD’s of over 45 yards in one game, one of which went 70 yards and another 67. That performance propelled him to third in the league behind only AD and Marshawn Lynch, and one yard ahead of fellow rookie Alfred Morris. But the story of the week was the presence of Indianapolis Colts Head Coach Chuck Pagano, who is away from the team for the remainder of the season undergoing treatment for leukemia. The Colts have already surpassed their win total from a season ago which provided them with the number 1 overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. They are further along than anyone outside of Indy could have imagined. During the game, Andrew Luck performed one of the best games by a rookie QB in NFL History. Reggie Wayne is out here performing like the Reggie Wayne we knew for years. He leads the league in receiving and still may be the best route runner in the league. After the Colts win against the Dolphins, Pagano addressed the team in the locker room to show his gratitude and pride in his young team. This week, many of the Colts players shaved their heads to show support for their coach as he recovers.

Week 9 Results – 10-4
I could have done better if I’d gone with my gut, but whatever.

Week 10 Predictions:
Colts over Jaguars
Giants over Bengals
Dolphins over Titans
Lions over Vikings
Patriots over Bills
Falcons over Saints
Bucs over Chargers
Broncos over Panthers
Ravens over Raiders
Seahawks over Jets
Cowboys over Eagles
49ers over Rams
Bears over Texans
Steelers over Chiefs

Cuffing season is like a game of musical chairs and when the music stops and you’re left standing… man that shit got to tug at the heart strings. But sometimes you don’t even know you’ve been left standing until the week of Thanksgiving is here and you’re just realizing you didn’t get an invite to dinner. Since I’m Jean DeGrate and I’m awesome as hell I’m going to tell you the top 5 ways to know you’re not in contention for cuffing.

1. No reply to your “Good Morning” text
If you shot a 717a “Good Morning” text to your potential Him/Her on a Monday morning and 9a comes and goes sans a response you’re not getting cuffed. You’re not even a 3rd string option for cuffing season.

2. You only communicate after sundown
If he only acknowledges your existence when the street lights are on you’ve probably moved from the potential cuff lane to the standby jumpoff list. He tweets all day or she IG’s all day but hasn’t sent anything to you other than that single lonely “Good Morning” text. It’s needless to say, but that’s a dead on sign of your priority in their life and the number 1 spot on the roster is not open to you.

3. You’ve never been to his house
A big part of cuffing is the sleepovers so actually being to the person’s place of residence is a major start to that. If all home visits are to your crib but he has his own spot you know what it is. Right? If ya’ll are fucking minus the cuddles then he’s washing up in the sink and creeping out in the dead of night you know what it is. Right? You got to see that overnight bag to know it’s real. You got to spend some quality time at his crib to know it’s real.

4. He hasn’t asked you what you want for Christmas
Despite the sudden upsurge of new Muslims in the last few years; the remaining somewhat Christians still practice exchanging gifts with the woman they plan on keeping throughout cuffing season. (Side note – I don’t trust them new nigga Muslim either I once saw one of them take off his cofi to eat a piece of bacon.) If he hasn’t asked your input on a gift or randomly requested your size for no apparent reason you can not only relinquish the idea of receiving any gifts but also the fact that you’ll make it to the spring.

5. He was out of touch during Hurricane Sandy
If there was ever a great opportunity for a snowed-in dry run it was Sandy. If you were really in the running he would have been in the grocery store the day before shit hit the fan asking you what type of can goods you like. If the storm came and gone but all you got are “You good over there” text you’re on the list for the Unchosen.

Bonus point, not fucking on the regular
If days turn into a week and zero attempts are made to lay it down you should be happy to even know each other still and get comfortable in the friend zone.

In my younger years I had no morals… i dated bad joints right… thats not the part that deals with my morality but the fact that if they were married, engaged and or had a boyfriend meant nothing to me. With that said fuck you and your judgments and keep reading….When i was 21 I dated this one married sista in her early 30’s. She likes to smoke and was her enabler. We had met at my barbershop and place of business… she would come on a get her meds if you wil.. So after months of this she asked me out and so began our “immoral” relationship.

She was fine, brownskinted and had money.. she loved leather with spikes and colorful clothing…. I think it was cuz she was from NY so she liked all types of flashy shit and she was a Rush type of person, she would do anything for a rush, if it wasnt risky it didnt excite her. So in retrospect i was part of her risky lifestyle. after several months she invited me home to Bushwick part of Brooklyn for her grannys bday and i was down. We headed up i was pushin her Lexus like it was mine, wining and dining and she picked every bill up, it was a glorious time. All she wanted was a young strong buck tending to her.

Ok so we get to her party and it seemed like any ol Jamaican family get together in a community center. music poppin errybody drinkin, food was the best west indian food ive ever had, we was in there sweatin it up doing th ebogle and butterflyin like nobodies business.

About 2 and half hours into the party she leans in and says “My clown ass little cousin gonna do one of his little raps” so off the break im thinkin its some little teenager wanting to rap in front of his nana and family, you know like Apollo style n shit. The DJ finally takes the dancehall off and throws on Flava in Your Ear.. it had come out like the year before and im like oh shit lil dude bout to freestyle on top of this hot track….

NEXT THING YOU KNOW

Busta Rhymes and Rampage walk in and start rappin…. and rappin HARD like in teh damn video, rappin hard as fuck, too hard for a small ass community center with only family around….MY JAW DROPPED… i was tryna keep my laughter in cuz I was expecting the little corny cousins and what i got was Busta Rhymes animated ass in a suede and leather outfit sweatin and rapping… HARD….. in a tiny community center rappin to 50+ yr old ppl WHOO HAAA GOT YOU ALL N CHECK! llls shit was hilarious. I couldnt keep it together we had to leave cuz i couldnt contain my laughter. when we walked back in, she introduced me to both em and we drank and smoked and had a good ass time the rest of the night, they turned out to be cool ass dudes…

So ladies and gentleman i leave you with this…. no matter how much of a star someone is or you think you are… you’re a bamma to somebody aka somebodies corny ass little cousin…… HUMBLE YOSELF….

Oh and the Morality part of the story… thats TO BE CONTINUED in “Dating a Married Woman”

I know you’re thinking “Oh, fuck no that couldn’t be me he’d have to eat this pussy”, but that totally would NOT be the case. You would fall in line just like every other woman I’ve bedded sans oral and this is why…

1. You wouldn’t believe me
Time and time again when I tell a woman I’ve never eaten pussy they always give me the meanest “Nigga Please” face. It’s not possible to be a 30 plus year old sexual active man that has never had his head between any tights. In the midst of her disbelief her “I want to be special” reflex kicks in and she’ll begin her own personal quest to get me to go where I “say” I’ve never been. She’ll fail but get an A for effort though.

2. You want to be first
It’s almost impossible to have a first anything with somebody once they reach the other side of 25 without doing something crazy. “I was the first girl he ever hit it raw in the parking lot of a Denny’s while it was raining”. You’ll get zero Kudos for pulling off such a trivial feat. But to be the first girl he ever gave that mouth to… you’ll win much praise with your girlfriends and a major ego boost. So after saying I’ve never done she wants to be the one I do it for.

3. You’ll get over that shit
I’ve never been about to get the cheeks and the girl looked up at me then said “Slow down buddy you got to lick this pussy before you stick this pussy”. Only dealing with a brand of thirsty nigga will have him pause in his efforts to orally please. I’m clearly not of class of gentleman and it’s written on my face so women know better than to try; so fast forward pass that rule. Once we’ve fucked 7 or 8 times she may find it awkward that she’s never received the head from the kid and ask why. I’ll tell her I’m not about that life, crack a few jokes about why I don’t (i.e. I have high blood pressure so I can’t gamble with the sodium) and continue to fuck as normally schedule.

I’ve said this countless times, and I will take time out to say it again. Definitely something that bears repeating. As someone who needs glasses to see things, it really vexes me to see every wannabe trendy hipster-ish (another blog in the future) herb rocking the lensless fashion glasses. Even the word lensless looks stupid. This goes for the ones with straight plastic lenses too. If they don’t come with “medicine” in them, that’s a no-no baby bro (this is directed at dudes, although you ladies commit this heinous act as well, most of yall are equipped with a lying skill that my bullshit meter often cannot detect. Still guilty though). I honestly can’t even figure out who’s the source to blame on this one. Cornball athletes in press conferences, celebrities galore, or even the nincompoops who wear their 3D glasses outside, because “they’re different.” Take your pick. Anyway, the young trendsetters, and fool ass fools that accompany them, many have made the fatal flaw in thinking that something once reserved for Nerds and Geeks could be transformed into chic, savvy panache. We always had panache. Didn’t need your help.

1: Look at what you are saying about yourself. You’d rather look intelligent than be intelligent. This speaks for itself, if you need further explanation, go ahead and keep wearing your non lensed frames. So Far Gone (yup, he’s at fault here too)

2: Leave it to the Pros. Every single year I go for a new prescription for my corrective lenses, of which my eyes undergo mydriatic medications, which for you non nerdy, popout glasses simpletons, is dilating the pupils. Have you ever put these drops in your eyes? You’re chilling, and all of a sudden, a flaming numbness attacks your eyeballs, so much that you have to wear eye protection that look like Kool Moe Dee’s Porsche 5620 sunglasses (search, I’ll wait) without the arms on the side (www.rollens.com, click it, I will wait). I don’t see you fucktards wearing these.

3. You actually look stupid. Tempted to simplify this one just like number one, I know you might be asking “Whoa, Fonsirelly, how exactly is it that you know when someones wearing fake glasses?” Well, lads and lassies, I will tell you. For one, they usually don’t have lenses (Duh). For two, the ones that do have lenses often look at me, in my nicely prescriptioned wayfarer-styled glasses, as if I am wearing the same pair of Jordans they have on. Yea, THAT stupid look, as if we could possibly be in the same intelligence bracket, or that we are friends. No buddy, we can’t. You lose. Dreadfully.

4. Most of the time you are doing it wrong, anyway. See, the problem with copycats is that their mimicry often makes for a horrible copy of the original. Like them Fubu Air Force Ones. Believe it or not, there is a science to wearing spectacles. The biggest factor in deciding this, facial size. You big head, pancake faced cats don’t need to be caught in the perfectly round, mouth-of-a-soda-bottle frames. Also, you little faced hunnies need to chill with OD’in on them big round sunglasses, you look like bugs (not all, but most can’t pull these off like they think).

5. Whats next? Tricked Out Wheel Chairs? Bedazzled Walking Canes? Outfit-matching Walkers and Crutches? Embroidered Eye Patches? My point exactly, I’m not the one reaching here; YOU ARE, the moment you decided to put on glasses that you didn’t need. You wanna be trendy? Beaglepuss. Put those on, and walk around. (Once again, I’ll wait for you to search that.)

In summary, just chill. Play your position. Not everything is for everybody, and fake glasses are for movies. It’s better to wear spectacles if you need them, not to become one.

Its all a ploy for attention. Stop infiltrating my women, by imitating my craft. Being this fly of a Nerd takes work. Something you don’t get overnight, FedEx shipped to your doorstep with your other accessories.

After 8 weeks of football, I am ready to give my mid-season awards to those players and teams performing on a high level. Offensive Rookie of the Year at the halfway mark goes to Robert Griffin III. Heading into last weeks game he led the league in completion percent, was in the top 15 in Rushing and was 2nd in the league in rushing TD’s. He also has done so with another rookie in the backfield in Alfred Morros who himself is third in the league in rushing and tied for third in TD’s. Andrew Luck has a chance to overtake Griffin if he continues win going into the second half of the season. Defensive Rookie of the Year: Chandler Jones. He’s playing with a high motor since the first game of the season. Athletic and versitile as a pass rusher and he already has 6 sacks on the season. Comeback Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson/Peyton Manning. Both players coming off of injuries and exceeding expectations by many. AD tore knee ligaments late last season and many thought he wouldn’t be ready to play until at the earliest mid-season. He leads the NFL in rushing with 775 yards after 8 games. As for Manning, who sat out the entire 2011 NFL season, he has performed at an MVP level the entire season except for the first half against the Falcons ealry on in the season. MVP of the League: Peyton Manning. Defensive Player of the Year: JJ Watt. At the moment, Watt is out here balling every down. He leads the league in sacks, and when he cant get to the QB he uses his massive wingspan to Swat the ball down or deflect it to a teammate for an interception.

My picks for last weeks games were pretty solid (11-3), but some of the games I was a little surprised. A few games that were closer than expected, and a few stand out performances by players trying to make a name for themselves. Last Thursday nights game between the Bucs and the Vikings was a coming out party for young Doug Martin of the Bucs. leading the way with 135 yards on the ground and 79 yards receiving. The Bucs dominated the entire game on both sides of the ball with the Vikings not having an answer for Josh Freeman or Martin.

The Redskins continued to struggle on defense against the Steelers, giving up points on the Steelers first 4 drives of the game. Entering the game, the Redskins were the only team that Ben Roethlisberger hadn’t thrown a touchdown against. At the completion of the game, he’d thrown 3. The Redskins offense struggled to get a ground game going which then took them out of their normal rhythm. What made matters even worse was the fact the Redskins receivers dropped a League season high 10 passes during the raining afternoon in Pittsburg. On another note, the Redskins hot head cornerback DeAngelo Hall, who has been burned deep seemingly every game this season was ejected late in the forth quarter for taking off his helmet and accosting the referee.

The game between the Bears and the Panthers was just another one of those games that make you want to tune in to the post game press conference to see what Cam is gonna say. Granted, he played a great game throughout and they led late, but that defense continues to blow it in the end. Being that Cam is the new face of that franchise, he gets the blame by more outsiders. He doesn’t appear to be a leader on the field or off of it. What the Panthers don’t have is a locker room General. A guy like a London Fletcher who will pull his young ass aside and tell him to look his teammates in the eyes like a man and command their attention. In addition to the Panthers cracking in the end, the Bears increased their win total improving to 6-1 on the season keeping their lead in the division.

More late game heroics by Andrew Luck take the Colts record to an impresive 4-3 on the season as they defeat the Titans. Luck has performed well with a mediocre rushing attack and few names outside of Reggie Wayne to throw to. The Dolphins beat the breaks off of the Jets, as did the Patriots against the Rams in London. Coming up on the trade deadline, talks of Tebow being traded to Jacksonville are swirling once again. The Jags ownership wanted to draft Tebow coming out of Florida, but was advised against it, so if that happens, what will be made of former first round pick Blaine Gabbert?

The Falcons remain undefeated after picking the Eagles defense apart. After the game, Mike Vick stated that Andy Reid was looking to make changes at the QB position which was confirmed later in the week although Vick is slated to start Monday night. This team needs a mid-season overhaul if they are going to turn things around. The game between the Giants and the Cowboys was the tale of two halves. During the first half, the Giants defense dominated the Cowboys, forcing Tony Romo to throw 3 ints, one of which was returned for a touchdown. The Giants were forced to settle for several field goals early on which would come back to haunt them after the Cowboys stormed back in the second half to take the lead. After the Giants regained the lead in the forth, the Cowboys marched down the field with seconds to play and Tony Romo threw what looked to be the winning touchdown to Dez Bryant, only for the call to be overturned after a booth review. Cowboys fall to 3-4, but you still don’t hear rumblings of Romo being replaced even after yet another game throwing for 4 picks.

Week 9 Predictions:

Chargers over Chiefs
Redskins over Panthers
Broncos over Bengals
Ravens over Browns
Packers over Cardinals
Bears overs Titans
Dolphins over Colts
Lions over Jaguars
Texans over Bills
Buccaneers over Raiders
Vikings over Seahawks
Giants over Steelers
Falcons over Cowboys
Saints over Eagles