Pistons Lose To Elementary School Girls Team After Big Night From 4'9" Center

Sports

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the 51-year-old coach was slowly making his way across the vacant stands section by section, sources at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that Jim Harbaugh spent the entire day testing the view from every seat in the team’s stadium.

CLEVELAND—Gingerly stepping around several of the largest wet patches on the floor, local Indians fan Mark Freel reportedly assured himself Tuesday that at least some of the liquid covering the ground of the men’s bathroom at Progressive Field was most likely water.

ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis.

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed.

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

CINCINNATI—Saying that the annual event feels incomplete without them, baseball fans across the nation expressed their outrage Tuesday after the Federal League was once again snubbed by the MLB All-Star Game.

LINCOLN, NE—According to a comprehensive new study published Wednesday by the University of Nebraska, the vast majority of Major League Baseball games are played between the Minnesota Twins and the Oakland Athletics.

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.

CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.

ATLANTA—Stressing that the small bit of housecleaning still needs to be addressed, Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez reportedly reminded his players Wednesday that he will be throwing out all unclaimed steroids left in the locker room refrigerator by the end of the day on Friday.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice.

UNIVERSITY PLACE, WA—Utterly overwhelmed by the thought of the planet’s surface containing such an unfathomable amount of the natural course obstacles, pro golfer Bubba Watson expressed both shock and fear Friday upon learning that approximately two-thirds of Earth is covered in water hazards.

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black.

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday.

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less.

ZURICH—Following widespread complaints that teams in the Women’s World Cup have been forced to play on synthetic fields, officials from FIFA held a press conference Thursday advising players unhappy with the turf to spend more time in midair.

IOWA CITY, IA—According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft.

Cleveland Cavaliers backup point guard Matthew Dellavedova received high praise after shutting down reigning MVP Steph Curry in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Is he any good?

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

SAGINAW, MI—In a journey that will take him thousands of miles across the country, local baseball fan Patrick Lund, 32, revealed to reporters Friday that he is currently attempting to visit the home of every single Major League Baseball player in a single season.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense.

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player.

CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler.

TAMPA BAY, FL—Noting that his phone’s voicemail has been almost single-handedly filled by the rookie quarterback, Tampa Bay Buccaneers general counsel David Cohen confirmed Friday that he has already received 26 missed calls from Jameis Winston.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.”

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

LOUISVILLE, KY—In one of the biggest tragedies to ever befall the 141-year-old event, more than a dozen spectators were reportedly injured and the Kentucky Derby was temporarily delayed Saturday after a pinwheeling, out-of-control horse crashed into the stands.

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

CHICAGO—Noting that it would be a swift departure from the organization’s past draft strategy, sources within the Oakland Raiders front office confirmed Thursday that the team is considering taking a chance on an NFL prospect with no off-field...

HINDU KUSH MOUNTAINS—Venturing thousands of miles to reach the remote mountain village where the ancient soothsayer was rumored to be found, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper sought out the sage counsel of blind oracle Jayashri in hopes of determining the Clev...

CHICAGO—With prospective players undergoing a final round of interviews and visits ahead of this week’s NFL Draft, sources revealed Wednesday that teams have been totally blown away by the ability of Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston to...

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history.
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MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters, and plastic...

SAN DIEGO—Racking his brain for every conceivable sequence of events that could potentially happen on a baseball field, team sources confirmed that San Diego Padres left fielder Justin Upton spent most of Wednesday night’s game against the Ari...

PHILADELPHIA—Calling it a fun new way to enhance the game-day experience, the Philadelphia Phillies announced Thursday that concession stands at Citizens Bank Park will now sell plastic helmets for fans to vomit in.

CINCINNATI—Following an exhaustive 18-month study examining all major American and international sports, a new report published Tuesday by Xavier University’s Department of Sport Studies revealed that holding a trophy high above one’s he...

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

WASHINGTON—With Major League Baseball at risk of losing fans due to the sport’s increasingly slow and lethargic pace, Washington Nationals right-hander Stephen Strasburg reportedly urged pitchers across the league Monday to shorten games by in...

CHICAGO—Responding to growing concerns about the state of offseason renovations to Wrigley Field, officials from the Chicago Cubs assured fans Friday that the stadium’s beef machine will be ready for the team’s opening game.

DENVER—Saying that it’s a decision he needs to carefully consider and ultimately make together with his family, free agent wide receiver Wes Welker confirmed Thursday that he is currently fielding promising offers from a number of concussion r...

FALL RIVER, MA—While testifying during the murder trial of fiancé and former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, Shayanna Jenkins told prosecutors Monday that she had absolutely no idea what incriminating evidence was in the box h...

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

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DALLAS—Praising the organization for their refusal to turn their backs on those with a troubled past, the ACLU honored the Dallas Cowboys Wednesday for their ongoing efforts to reintegrate criminals back into the NFL.

LOS ANGELES—Highlighting a new trend that has grown increasingly prevalent across the league, a new survey released Thursday by the University of Southern California revealed that fewer NBA players are opting to learn their unborn baby’s posit...

NEW YORK—Saying that many players assume they are somehow immune to the problems afflicting those who quit football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a broad new campaign Wednesday to warn all players about the long-term risks of retirement.

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NEW YORK—Tearing past crew members and camera equipment as they leapt onto the stage, throngs of ecstatic Brigham Young University fans reportedly stormed the CBS Sports broadcasting studio Sunday night following the Cougars’ triumphant upset ...

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PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Repeatedly referring to himself as “on fire” and “in the zone” on that particular day, local office worker Kenneth Michelson was reportedly still talking this week about an incredibly productive afternoon he had nearly four months ago.

Pistons Lose To Elementary School Girls Team After Big Night From 4'9" Center

DETROIT—The woeful start to the Pistons’ season continued Thursday when dominant 4-foot, 9-inch center Shauna Thompson led the Thirkell Elementary School girls basketball team to an authoritative 88-72 victory over 1-8 Detroit.

The Pistons struggled all game long to answer the intimidating 84-pound fifth-grader, who forced her will upon the entire Detroit frontcourt to the tune of 54 points, 27 rebounds, and 14 blocked shots.

“Sometimes it’s simply a matter of having the best player on the court, and that’s exactly what that little girl was tonight,” Pistons coach Lawrence Frank told reporters after the game, adding that double teams made little difference against the aggressive, ponytailed 10-year-old. “I tried to tell my guys to just keep their hands up, but she used those pointy elbows of hers to clear space and went up over the top of us on almost every play. Nothing you can do to stop that.”

Most of Thirkell Elementary’s offense ran strictly through Thompson and point guard Megan Rivers, whom the Pistons struggled to keep up with because the fifth-grader can dribble with both hands and doesn’t have to look down at the ball to do so. On almost every possession, Rivers lobbed a high pass under the basket where only Thompson could reach it, allowing the nearly 5-foot-tall center to catch the ball and put up a shot from less than 5 feet away.

In the case of a miss, Thompson easily grabbed the rebound and put up another shot two or three times until she either scored or drew a foul.

“It’s hard to deal with a girl like that, one who’s clearly hit her first growth spurt and owns the paint on both ends of the court,” Pistons center Greg Monroe said. “And for her size she has impressive ball-handling skills and a great ability to dish out assists. Between her well-executed bounce passes and chest passes, it was really difficult for us to force turnovers.”

The 10-year-old phenom, who played 40 of 48 minutes, only offered the Pistons one real opportunity to take advantage of her absence from the game, when she sat out for five minutes in the second quarter to drink a juice box. Aside from that, it was Detroit who found themselves shuffling players through the frontcourt in hopes of finding anybody who could defend the “very cute, but very mean” Thompson.

“I’m not going to comment on whether she was too rough with Jason [Maxiell] and Greg [Monroe]—that’s for the league to determine,” said Frank, specifically pointing to a play in the second half in which Thompson made a strong move to the basket and knocked Maxiell down hard to the floor, requiring the power forward to seek medical attention for a sprained wrist. “Ultimately, our guys are fine. They were mostly just a little frazzled. She played kind of rough out there, but in the end we need to be able to handle players like that.”

The road doesn’t get any easier for the Pistons, as NBA analysts predict the team will struggle over the next week while traveling to play against a 65-plus YMCA league team from Columbus, OH, a wheelchair basketball team in Tampa Bay, and the Toronto Raptors.