Monday, May 9, 2016

The Church as The Onion

Even the Bear can't keep up with everything that has happened the past couple of days years in the Church. It's all muddled in his poor old head, so you probably want to click on the links to find that truth can be as strange as parody. Except when it's the truth, it doesn't make you laugh. [Originally published May 9, 2014.]

Pope to UN: Northern Wealth Causes Harmful Seasons

Today, Pope Francis authorized the United Nations to remove wealth from the northern hemisphere to the southern by "all necessary non-Marxist means" in order to "reset the Earth's tilt and avoid harmful effects of the seasons." He also named Eva Peron and anyone who had been alive during the second Vatican Council saints, annexed the Falkland Islands, and placed England under interdict.

Pope Francis to Start First Papal Blog

Capybara: giant South American rodent
to be Pope's blog mascot.

In other Vatican news, a pope known for firsts announced today that he was starting a blog. "This way, I can reach more people," Pope Francis explained. However, he took pains to make it clear that the blog -- named "Ex Cathedra" -- had nothing to do with the Church. "This is just a guy named Jorge sharing his thoughts," the Pope explained. "What is on my mind, you know, my, how do you say, 'take' on the Church, world politics, economics, whatever."

The Pope said that it would feature polls to see what people thought about Church teachings on topics such as women priests and contraception. But he insisted the polls were "just for fun."

When asked if the first papal blog might confuse Catholics, he responded, "No. That is why I am doing it this way. Since it will be on the internet, there will be no possibility of misunderstanding or being quoted out of context. And it says, right under my papal coat of arms, 'not affiliated with the Roman Catholic Church.'"

Other planned features include an Amazon Wish List, a regular "Ask the Holy Father" feature, "Kasper's Korner," and a recurring talking capybara character named, "the Capybara," who will always refer to himself in the third person. Insiders say the Pope made the decision after his "Pope Videos" flopped.

Half of All Catholic Marriages to End Sunday

Cardinal Walter Kasper, acting on, he claims, secret orders from Pope Francis, instructed every Catholic couple to flip a coin before Mass next Sunday before a priest to see if their marriage is valid. If tails, the marriage was invalid and the couple must go to confession before communion. More significantly, their marriage is automatically annulled.

"Is not such a big ding," the prelate said. "Dere is nutzing to keep dem from gettingzun married again if dey feel like it. But fur all dose couple fur whom der schpark is kaput, it is a wunderbar opportunity to trade up."

In a related story, the Cardinal wed LCWR Executive Director Sr. Janet Mock at a small, but lavish ceremony at Las Vegas' well-known "The Little Church of the West." Cardinal Kasper said the name appealed to the couple for reasons they could not explain. When asked if the marriage violated current Church teachings on unmarried clergy and religious, the Cardinal laughed, and said, "Jah, I suppose it is so. But mein Freund Francis told me vas okay. In private. Und he probably does not remember."

The Bear doesn't know whether to be flattered or offended at completely ripping off this ephemeris' schtick. It doesn't really matter, because no one is going to think a capybara is charming, like a Bear. Anyway "the Capybara, meet Iron Bear." Always one step ahead, yes.

"Today, Pope Francis authorized the United Nations to remove wealth from the northern hemisphere to the southern by 'all necessary non-Marxist means' in order to 'reset the Earth's tilt and avoid harmful effects of the seasons'"

And the difference between Jorge Bergoglio and Bernie Sanders is what? The question is rhetorical.

Bears can see in color, you know. And the Bear sees Red when he looks at Pope Francis. The Bear is a Hero of the Bolshevik Revolution you may recall, and for years his portrait hung in several less important party offices. He knows these things.

Details on Order Instructions for Autographed trade paperback & Kindle editions. For U.S. & International customers. Free shipping within U.S. Keeping up with novel on novel blog keeps it off of Bear blog.