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“324 million people resident in the U.S. and the best two candidates for the most powerful person in the world are both clinically insane”. This was the plot for my rejected screenplay, described as fantastical and farcical. My next project in development is Transgender Clown assassinates Putin with exploding smart phone.

According to recent research there are a number of phrases that irritate the hell out of the majority of normal people. Further research suggests that around half of the people who use these phrases are the usual Office Plonkers whilst the other half are Office Plonker Baiters.

These OFBs are our leaders of the future who are showing the early signs of being irritating, irresponsible and invidious – the 3i’s of middle, menial and mediocre management that eventual develop into a full blown 3M management strategy (Me, Me, Me).

We are here of course to help out people from ‘C’ level all the way down to the lower level Mediocre Management tiers so here are a few phrases, for those aspiring to manage, that will curdle the brains of your colleagues and will help pass a long winter afternoon or enliven a meeting.

Phrases guaranteed to irritate your colleagues:

Can I borrow you for a sec? (13%)

How long is a piece of string? (11%)

Think outside the box (11%)

Teamwork, dreamwork (11%)

Keep me in the loop (9%)

Win-win (9%)

Pick your brains (8%)

I’m stacked (8%)

Blue sky thinking (8%)

Just playing devil’s advocate (8%)

However a word of warning never the use the phrases listed below as these are only used by Office Plonkers. OPs spouting cliches are to be kept well clear of as they will drain the very life force from your caffeine addicted persona and leave it as a moist patch on the office carpet to be trampled on by all who pass you by.

Irritating online expressions people say in the workplace

OMG (26%)

LOL (19%)

FYI (12%)

Epic fail (10%)

Cringe (8%)

Swag (6%)

YOLO (5%)

On point / on fleek (4%)

For the win (4%)

That’s cray (3%)

If cornered the best thing to ask an OP for is an ‘Enhanced Assessment Methodology’ implying that it was a request from their line manager’s manager.

I have been a little tardy of late and, as a result, not written words of wisdom for you, my dear Institute of Mediocre Management members. My poor excuse is that that unfortunately, due to a number of unenforced management errors, my global empire has of late taken a battering. But luckily we have managed to steady the ship and the share price by re-organising, thus maintaining our salaries and bonuses. This was quite simple, we just fired a lot of people. The downside was the paper work, they wouldn’t go without a fuss, thus wasting my management’s time and more seriously mine, so I was not able to update this collection of excellent and enlightening essays . So blame them.

‘The World’s Grumpiest Boss’ dies

It was with great sadness that I read about the recent death of Mike “Do your jobs and keep your mouth shut!” Davies, who was a spiritual mentor of mine.

Mike Davis was a former chauffeur before he became a Houston oil and gas magnate. But he earned an even greater measure of notoriety as the author of blunt and widely circulated office memos that earned him the unofficial title “world’s grumpiest boss.” “There will be no more birthday celebrations, birthday cakes, levity or celebrations of any kind within the office,” the boss wrote on Feb. 8, 1978. “This is a business office. If you have to celebrate, do it after office hours on your own time.”

I had the pleasure of meeting him once and he repeated verbatim the memo he once sent famously to his employees at the Tiger Oil company in the 1970’s

“Do not speak to me when you see me, if I want to speak to you, I will do so. I want to save my throat. I don’t want to ruin it by saying hello to (all of) you.”

I took that to heart and Anglicised that, telling my associates oiks to “Shut up and know your place” – I’m sure that those I haven’t ‘let go’ yet still think of this with some amusement.

As a boss, Mike lead from the front screaming, hung around the middle yelling, whilst pushing from the back swearing. Had he been in management 20 years later his enlightening, challenging and witty epithets would be adorning the walls of most of our major corporations as ‘Motivational Posters’.

His memos (for those under 40 – a memo is what your grandad used instead of email) included:

ON NOTES THAT WEREN’T TYPED: “Handwriting takes much longer than a typewriter. You’re wasting your time, but more importantly, you’re wasting my time. If you don’t know how to type, you’d better learn.”

ON RUNNING OUT FOR CIGARETTES: “I suggest that you people buy enough cigarettes to keep here for yourselves to smoke because, by God, you will not go and buy them on my time.”

ON TAKING THINGS FROM HIS DESK: “I do not appreciate people coming into my office and helping themselves to my candy, cigars, medicine and other personal items … I don’t mind giving, but I would like the privilege of knowing and giving it myself.”

ON HIPPIE-STYLE LONG HAIR: “Anyone who lets their hair grow below their ears to where I can’t see their ears means they don’t wash. If they don’t wash, they stink. And if they stink, I don’t want the son-of-a-bitch around me.”

ON LANGUAGE: “I swear, but since I am the owner of this company, that is my privilege, and this privilege is not to be interpreted as the same for any employee. That differentiates me from you, and I want to keep it that way. There will be absolutely no swearing, by any employee, male or female, in this office, ever.”

We can all learn from his leadership skills, although nowadays you need to be a little less direct due to the namby-pamby HR centric rules that seem to be prevalent in this neo- socialist society that we live in. To cover your tracks just stick up a motivational poster or two like this.

The final word must come from Mike and of course I’m sure that I.M.M. members could use this wisdom almost verbatim when addressing colleagues resources about holiday entitlement.

And don’t forget this incredibly informative and hugely invaluable book is still available from Amazon UK and Amazon US eBook and for posh people in print as well.

In front of a committee of MPs investigating the complete fiasco that was the BHS sale to a former bankrupt and retail industry ignorant Dominic Chappel, Philip Green was trapped in a corner, hoisted by his own petard and fighting for what was left of his reputation.

Much like a Bond movie, the MPs slowly and painfully extricated facts with their proverbial pliers whilst trying to strangle him with clear evidence that he was either complicit or incompetent. His pained cries of “Sir, Sir, with great respect!” echoed around these chambers as he slithered, ducked and dived trying to avoid questions.

SPGs defence strategy was very simple:

He couldn’t remember the details (“I don’t do details”.”It was too long ago” . ” I’m a very busy man”)

His key phrase, even though he admitted he was accountable was: “It wasn’t my fault”

He is being bullied by MPs, the Press, everyone else and no-one is listening to him

On the actual deal mechanics anything positive that happened, he was the instigator and anything negative it was ‘his team’ as he was too important to bother with the detail

He was sure that most of the 11,000 people who are being fired have new jobs or will get new jobs

He finished by reading out his list of works for charity that he wanted kept secret

This was a masterclass in blame avoidance and these skills are taught in the MCA course ‘How to Be Successful Without Working Too Hard” by Dick Lannister. So if you want to ‘up your game but avoid the blame’ this is a tome worth reading.

So as Green shuffles back to Monaco to enjoy a well earned rest and to count his wife’s money we should pay tribute to the UK’s favourite Corporate Hooligan and hope that if there is a Brexit he doesn’t get deported back here.

Philip Green’s dingy awaits in Monaco

Watch this space: Green was so backed into a corner that he has had to say that he will ‘contribute’ to the pension deficit but has cleverly said he has a ‘team of people’ and the regulator working on it. Again his hands will be clean if it goes wrong. The probable date for revealing his contribution is almost certainly June 24th, the day after the referendum.

Notes:

Despite the pension deficit of £571m, Green and his family collected £586m in dividends, rental payments and interest on loans during their 15-year ownership of the retailer.

BHS holding company, Taveta Investments is owned by Tina Green, who resides in Monaco, so Philip can work in the UK. Protestors claim that the couple avoid paying £285 million in UK personal income tax, that would be payable if a UK resident owned the company.

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Clear evidence that purchasing ‘How To Get To The Top Without Working Too Hard’ will “….deliver a high salary, a senior executive level position and power beyond your wildest dreams.” Sir Reginald Aylner Ranpurly Plunkitt-Ernly-Erly-Drab, I.M.M Director of Education

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The referendum of whether or not the UK should remain part of Europe will be held on June 23rd. There has been claim and counterclaim by the Leave and Remain groups so we have tried to summarise the key arguments and concerns expressed so eloquently by our ruling elite.

Dave, our P.M., would love us to stay in Europe as he likes foreign food, his free trips to see the other Heads of State and he really, really wants to be the first President of Europe when he grows up.

After munching too much Camembert, Dave has a bad dream about Brexit

Dave says if we leave Europe bad things will happen. He knows this as he dreamt that:

“The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare.”

And then he’ll have to resign and the price of fizz and truffles will go up and poor people won’t be able to buy them anymore.

“Piffle, tosh and drop my trousers and spank me” was the robust response from Boris Johnson, the de facto leader of the ‘Lets Bugger Orf Out’ campaign. BJ is terrified that if Britain stays in then hordes more of ‘Johnny Foreigners’ will paddle over and take away our houses, jobs and tempt our women away with garlic infused charcuterie and castanet laced ditties.

Sod off I say! We won’t have any foreign jibber jabber spoken here! We fought a war over that…”

Meanwhile the feisty leader of the SNP, Nicola ‘knickers in a twist’ Sturgeon has indicated that if the UK leaves Europe she will demand a referendum on Scottish independence and if the UK remains in Europe she will require a referendum on Scottish independence. When asked was there any difference she relied ” Och aye! Hoots mon ye are a wee Sassenach so ye are!”

So far the Remain camp have predicted that if the UK leaves the EU then:

Unemployment would rise to 64.1 million (the entire UK would lose their jobs)

Our trade deficit would grow to £5 trillion

ISIS would become the largest UK party

The French would launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the UK

Hordes of rampant ebola carrying chipmunks would swim the channel and kill us all

In response the Leave camp has agreed that this is in fact the likely scenario that they are predicting will happen if we remain in Europe although they say there is still a minor dispute about whether it will be chipmunks or infected ocelots that will actually swim the channel.

It is clear therefore to us at the I.M.M. that we are doomed, no matter what the result on June 23rd. Clearly the intellectual giants that lead both campaigns know something we don’t and we should be perturbed, very perturbed.

The UK’s finest to lead the country in oblivion……………

We are therefore suggesting that you make plans to take a very long holiday until it all blows over and where better than a little known British dependency in the North Atlantic called the Asda and Lidl Islands. The Institute own a 5 star hotel there (tax evasion tool enough said!) and rates are exorbitant but at least it keep the riff-raff out.

Hotel Du Crap – Asda and Lidl Islands – Vacancies

So book now and see in your country’s demise with a bottle of Dom P ’63 – you know you’re worth it.

Jason, the young, energetic and new management trainee is bubbling with enthusiasm as he goes through his ‘orientation program’ in We-Make-It-Happen, Inc. On the fifth day of his ‘training’ in the Logistics department, a unit tasked with fulfilling a deliberately confusing set of functions and (ir)responsibilities, he meets with the departmental head, Tom, for the final act.

Tom: Jason, welcome on board. I hope you have been provided with a good insight into the working of this department.

Jason: Yes, indeed. I am very impressed with the variety of activities that your people are taking care of to keep the organization moving forward.

Tom: Is that so (never realized that)? Never mind the routine stuff. I will help you get prepared for crisis management, which is where we excel.

Jason: I am all ears.

Tom: Do you know what the first step is or should be in managing a crisis?

If you would like to avoid paying any tax on this purchase, please use my Panama bookshop outlet giving them your full bank details and any PIN numbers you may have. This way it saves a lot of paperwork for you.