Friday, September 26, 2014

OCTOBER '14

The glue that holds the whole thing together. We've been steeping in the dregs of the slasher genre for so long, we rarely even notice that the shittiness has reached a fucking boil.

Blood Tracks (1985)
- A straight-to-video company's strong desire to rip off The Hills Have Eyes + snow + a metal band. I am currently being investigated for not showing this on day one six years ago. Love how the box was amended with that ELM STREET sticker after the fact. Like no one rented this thing for the first two weeks and then they panicked and manufactured a sticker coming at customers all like, "HEY MAN! I'M NOT JUST SOME ASSHOLE!"

Curtains (1983) - We watched this on VHS way back and it looked so dark and blurry that everyone got all pissed off and sleepy. At the end, people were like, "Wait. Who was the killer?" And others were like, "There was a killer?" Pretty much a fiasco. Now the humanitarians at Synapse have poured an unconscionable amount of meticulous effort into reviving the bastard and putting it on Blu-ray so we can finally learn what the hell was going on.

Evil Laugh (1986) - It's called fuckin' Evil Laugh. Do I really need to come up with a joke for this one? Another situation where a movie looks so goddamned perfect for us, the fact that we didn't watch it ten years ago means it must have been hidden really deep under how much it must suck. ***Melissa's pick.

SHITFEST

At this point, I think we can all admit that the whole Frights slate is Shitfest. But we still have to keep the actual separate section around. For those special films that, you know, go the extra mile.

Zombie Nightmare (1987)
- Cousin production of Frights not-exactly-hits Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare and Black Roses. Even the goddamn tagline on that ad is so shitty it's confusing. I keep reading it thinking I'm missing a joke or something. Like if you put on the They Live sunglasses, the tagline reads, "And here's a zombie tale that you're a dipshit for renting."

CLOWN DOUBLE FEATURE

These are both Justin's picks. He's crying a little bit cause of fear.

All Hallows' Eve (2013) - This thing came around and I was disrespecting it pretty hard and then I realized it's an anthology and it's set around Halloween and I was like, "Everyone stay away! Some bullshit called ALL HALLOWS' EVE has the upper hand!"

100 Tears (2007) - May I refer you to the poster above? That gets you in now. This film cost like two cents to make and it appears to be wall-to-wall cleaverings. It'll feel a little gross when this ends up being everyone's favorite film on the slate.

OFFICIAL FRIGHTS

The shit. (Not in a good way.)

Chillers (1987) - An anthology with people on a bus telling the stories? Can it possibly touch the majesty of Night Train to Terror??? Of course not. But you know, this achiever does boast a resume including the '89 Silver Scroll. To that I say, "You're hired! You start today!"

Hollow Gate (1989) - How to make a great video box for some garbage: (1) Artwork drawn by a precocious 14-year-old. (2) Tag line referencing characters from real movies of the day (the go-to Freddy and Jason here). (3) Billboarding of a ton of names of people you don't know (total of 13 names you've never heard of prominently featured, including one actor helpfully earmarked with the lynchpin "as Mark"). And (4) Stickers! There was some red business first, later amended/disrespected with the "Rated R" sticker, which rating the sticker kindly clarifies stands for "Restricted," or in other words, "Though this cover may look like it belongs in the children's section, this film is actually intended for manchildren." So excited for this. "When Mark Walters throws a Halloween party..." Hilarious.

Scream Park (2012) - Yeah, this was made like two days ago and I know that's not the kind of shit we like to get behind, but it actually looks kinda regional and funky. And we've watched the entirety of the '80s ten times over. Let's not dwell on this...

Twice Dead (1988) - There we go. See how quickly we get back to the shit you're comfortable with? A nice '88. This has been lurking as a Frights candidate for a long time, but it always seemed like some flowery ghost shit despite the aggro cover. Recently, I learned, however, that in addition to ghosts, it features a marauding '80s biker gang starting shit with good common folk. That's a Frights trope that rarely fails, tangential violent biker characters that let you know a film likes to party. So glad this one finally caught the bouquet.

PLUS SECRET PREMIERES...

FRIGHTS. SINCE 2008, STUFFING MOVIES IN YOUR EYES YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS WATCHING.