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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Divine Gender

What I’m about to say may surprise some of you. Maybe not the women, but it will shock the guys. I have come to find out that God is, in fact, a female. Think about it. God created life by birthing the universe. God raised man and taught him the rules to live by. Man was made in God’s likeness, but before woman. Therefore, when woman was created, God clearly already had practice. Eve is more closely related to God, as she was a second attempt, and more apt to be done right.

Also, God always needs reassurance. The Biblical God is an insecure God, and She must be praised often in order for Her to be reminded of just how wonderful of a God She is. She does an often thankless job: cooking up the universe, raising Her billions of children, all while fighting with Satan (clearly a scorned ex-husband). All She asks in return is a little gratitude… and money.

God always needs money. This clearly indicates that She doesn’t hold a job while raising the universe. I’m not judging; I’m glad She’s keeping an eye on things rather than wearing a gaudy blazer and showing homes to young couples who cannot afford them. However, let’s face it, God can never get enough alms, donations or tithes.

God’s female gender can help account for the staggering number of inconsistencies in the Bible regarding God’s personality. God is very jealous of other Gods. “Don’t you dare look at that golden calf over there! Oh I know you didn’t just say something about Me under your breath, mister. That’s blasphemy!” Which reminds me, God also clearly has a menstrual cycle. God will be extremely kind one minute… then the hormones kick in. The next thing you know, an earthquake knocks your house down. The whole Noah’s ark flood thing? Talk about a heavy flow. That was one nasty case of cosmic PMS. She was bitter during the Old Testament because of the whole break-up with Satan, but God got the house in the divorce, once again proving She’s female, and the birth of Her child seemed to calm her down.

Other personality traits of God can be more easily explained once one realizes God is female. God claims to know everything and is always “right.” If you upset God, She makes you sleep in the dog house… for eternity. Of course, if you admit you’re wrong and say how sorry you are, She will forgive you, ’cause that’s just the kind of girl She is. No matter how much you abuse Her, She keeps taking us back. God is a co-dependent housewife. She sticks by Her man: Mankind.

2 comments:

Actually, you're not too far off from the truth. Many Biblical scholars and critics think that Genesis may have been written by a woman author. It's part of the Documentary hypothesis critique of scripture. One of the notable proponents of the feminine authorship view was non other than the literary critic Northrop Frye, which he mentions in his book "The Great Code."

... which I own and read. However, I wrote this post years go when I was a sophomore in college (so if it doesn't sound like me, there you go). I'm just tapped out and busy this week, so I dug up an old essay I wrote and slapped it on here.