Friday, July 22, 2016

How To Deal with Donald Trump: 10 Responses from Worst to Best

Now that Donald Trump has officially accepted the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, many of my left leaning friends, along with a decent number of conservatives, are wondering how best to handle it. I can't say I have all the answers (I, like everybody else, pegged him as a laughable no-hope candidate last year), but I have a few ideas of what to do, and what not to do. Therefore I humbly offer:

How to deal with the Donald: ten responses ranked from worst to best.

10. Blame "too much democracy" or extol the virtues of elite leadership
Say what you like about the walking tangerine in a toupee currently representing the GOP, but don't pretend that the endless parade of elite, wealthy warmongering doofuses who typically represent the political class on the left and the right aren't responsible for this mess to a large degree.

Doofuses in their natural habitat

9. Debate Trump supporters
This seems tempting, but it's a rookie mistake. Arguing over Trump and policy is a category error, like asking your cat to stop vomiting on the couch, or trying to stop a hurricane that is also racist by fact-checking it.

8. Talk about how he's "unpresidential" or how his behavior is "not a good look"
Yeah, it's true, but...just don't say stuff like "not a good look." It makes you look like an asshole.

"Wow, strawman much? Do better, Mr Trump."

7. Reach across the aisle with sober articles from liberal websites that patiently explain why Trump is bad
OH MY GOD VOX AND FIVETHIRTYEIGHT HAVE BEEN RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME, said no Trump supporter ever. Post links if you want, just understand it's for your own benefit.

"The polls-plus model shows a 95% probability that I'm only slightly more useful than extended fart noises."

6. Reach across the aisle with sober articles from conservative websites that patiently explain why Trump is bad
OH MY GOD WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY MUST BE ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE, said no Trump supporter ever. I rank this higher than posting liberal articles only because the continued impotence of movement conservative media this election entertains me.

Nobody reads his magazine, but at least nobody listens to him on television either.

5. Fight Trump supporters in the streets
I don't recommend this, but I'm also not going to condemn people who do it, especially if they're directly threatened by his proposals.

Does this help? I don't know, but I get it, man.

4. Mock him mercilessly
It hasn't worked yet, but it seems to make him mad and the health benefits of laughter are well established, so knock yourself out.

No, John Oliver won't save us, but go ahead, have a chuckle at this goober's expense.

3. Don't vote for Trump
I don't believe in scolding people into voting tactically. Vote for Clinton if you like, or vote third party, or don't vote at all. I'm not your dad; do what you think is right. Just, you know, double-check the ol' ballot on election day and make sure your chad's not hanging, if you know what I mean.

It also helps to not have a candidate's brother counting the votes, fwiw.

2. Ignore politics and hope it goes away
In an era of radical openness and commodified self care, straight up denial is a widely overlooked virtue. But you know what, you've got better things to worry about than a stupid presidential election. Try it out for a while and see how it goes! What's the worst that could happen? Don't answer that.

You got a better idea I'm all ears.

1. Quietly accept the imminent downfall of America
Even if Trump loses, the forces driving his ascent aren't just going away, and it's not like Democrats have a strategy to peel off Republican malcontents. But think about it this way: we had a good run, didn't we? We'll always have the Declaration of Independence and the Most American Thickburger.

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