Expert prediction: Stephen Ross will have a Major Announcement by Tuesday

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Oh, the celebrities of today -- they just don't know their roles. Just as we've finally stopped laughing at Master P's attempt to join the NBA and Lance Bass' short career as a Russian astronaut, along comes a timely video plea from hip-popper will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, begging owner Stephen Ross to receive a tryout for the Dolphins as a punt return specialist.

Warning: Profanity and a bad hat

If the glasses and hat don't convince Ross that will.i.am is serious, if the lighting setup and actual helmet don't make the Pea look like he's been there before, perhaps the accompanying Shakespearian free-form will do the trick:

i always wanted to play football...
from the age of 10 that was my dream...
im sad that i never followed my football dreams...
lately ive been thinking...
is it to late to do it now...???
no way!!!
im very fast...
beyond fast...
ive raced jamal anderson (x-falcon)...
and i smoked his ass...
ive ask reggie bush a bunch of times and i simply think he affraid...
i am extremely fast...
and im proud of it....
i ask hosain bolt to race me...
i know mr. bolt would smoke me...
but i would race him just to see how far i could push my self...
ive challenged deon sanders to a race...
i dont know the turn out of that race...
he's a fast mo'fo...
but he's up there in age...
so i could probably smoke him..."probably"...
i love racing dudes...
i enjoy looking behind and seeing their faces...
its the dopest...
i take pride in my cheetah speed...
well l.a doesnt have a team...
and even though i like the san diego chargers...
i have always like the dolphines...
i went to pacific palisades high school...(palisades dolphine)
so ive always been a dolphin...
i recorded a video and sent it to the dolphins owner...
(because im serious)...
at least i could try out...
and see what im made of...
imagine...
another one of my dream could come true...

Well, he's clearly not going to make ESPN via the Scripps National Spelling Bee, so we suppose a bid to join the Dolphins is the next logical step.

Will.i.am hasn't played football since high school and is now 34 years old, which means he's either over-inflated by the yes of celebrity, or -- run for your lives, the call is coming from inside the house! -- that old attention-grabbing hobgoblin in the owner's box has gotten craftier and we're about to be viral-marketed out of our minds.

Knowing both Ross and i.am, it's probably the latter. Expect a Major Announcement by Tuesday, with a staged tryout for the cameras, a chef-attended carving station, a warbling wax statue called Fergie, and the announcement of a tailgating performance schedule to follow.

Not pictured: thousands of disgusted Dolphins fans.

Janie Campbell is a big fan of sending will.i.am into oncoming, 250-pound traffic -- for the sake of her radio. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.