Dear Emuna: Provocative Clothing

How do I convince my wife to dress more modestly without coming off as a control freak?

I love my wife very much. She is beautiful, smart, devoted, and has a heart of gold. My issue lies with her choice of clothing. We constantly butt heads over what seems to be appropriate attire. She tends to wear clothing that's considered to be too provocative for our community standards.

I've gently told her that she should be a little more self-conscious about what she wears in public as it could have an affect on our social life. She implies that I'm clueless when it comes to women's fashion and that there are more pressing matters to deal with other than how much or little she decides to cover up. I've also noticed people giving her weird and uncomfortable looks whenever she wears pants or very short (not mini but very close) dresses/skirts. She dresses the way she does because she wants to feel pretty about herself but sometimes I feel that she crosses the line. I've been showering her with compliments and told her that she is gorgeous as she is. How can I convince her to cover up and dress more conservatively in public without coming off as a control freak (which I'm sometimes accused of)?

Thanks,

Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned,

I think the issue may boil down to what exactly it is you are concerned about. I think that whether you will be effective or not depends on three things – your motivation, your tone, and your wife. The last is out of your control (freak or not!). You can’t make her change. You can’t force her to understand your perspective. She has her own free will and her own choices to make.

So let’s focus on what does lie within your power. The first issue is your motivation. You need to engage in a little introspection to determine why you want her to dress differently. If it’s because of community standards, I doubt you will be successful. I can imagine that she may feel that you care more about what other people think than about her. She obviously doesn’t find community standards compelling and will be resentful of you for trying to impose them on her.

If, however, it’s her you’re concerned about, then you need a more loving approach.

You mention that she dresses that way to feel pretty. She is clearly insecure in this area (like most women I know!) and needs to build up her self-confidence. I think it’s very positive that you are “showering her with compliments.” I think it might be helpful to compliment her particularly when she’s dressing more conservatively if – and this is a big if – she will experience it as sincere and not just as a manipulation to get her to dress the way you prefer. (You did mention that you are controlling…)

The second issue is your tone. Your wife needs to feel unconditional love and acceptance from you. If she feels you are judging her, if your tone suggests a condemnation of her wardrobe, she will be hurt and resentful. She will pull away from you and definitely not respond to your “suggestions”.

A woman’s physical presentation is a VERY sensitive topic and it needs to be approached delicately. Look for opportunities to praise her, work on your own growth, and have patience.

Your wife may not ever change her mode of attire but if she does, it will only occur when she feels good about herself, strong, and loved. That is what you need to give her – with no ulterior motivation.

Botox – Go For It?

Dear Emuna,

I’m 54 years old and my face definitely shows it. I’m thinking of trying Botox and other mild cosmetic procedures but I’m embarrassed by my own vanity. What do you recommend? Should I just forget about it and take pleasure in every hard-earned wrinkle?

Passing Beauty

Dear Normal Woman,

Whew! That’s a tough one. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here and I believe it comes down to a matter of degrees.

Let me clarify that actual hospital procedures that carry significant medical risk are a totally different issue. That’s not what’s at stake here. We are discussing relatively mild interventions that could take place in a doctor’s office. It’s only (only!) a matter of time, money – and focus.

If it’s a real source of pain for you, then go for it. It doesn’t matter whether it should or shouldn’t be; the fact is that you are extremely disturbed by it and you have the power to do something about it. There is no reason to force yourself to live with the psychic angst and forgo the procedures.

Is it that different from all the anti-aging creams we stock in our cabinets? What sets it apart from makeup and manicures and dieting for appearance not health?

It is human nature to want to be attractive. It is a woman’s nature to want to appear beautiful (see previous letter).

I think we need to have a realistic acceptance of our age and stage of life (I never understood the point of lying about your age; it doesn’t change the reality) yet I believe we also have an obligation to take care of ourselves and present an attractive image particularly to our husbands – and to the world at large as well.

How we manage that is very individual.

I don’t believe it’s an area where someone else can judge for you. As long as you recognize that your physical self is not your true essence, as long as you keep your motivation simple and maintain perspective on what’s really important, then who am I to judge?

Clash with Ex-Wife

Dear Emuna,

I was married for 15 years and my ex-wife and I have 4 children. Our divorce was messy, leaving us both struggling financially. My ex-wife’s brother and sister-in-law have moved in with her to help supplement her income. I never got along with them and let me just say that we don’t share the same values. My ex and I have shared custody of the children and I’m really not happy that they now live with my ex-brother-in-law and sister-in-law. I’m not sure what to do. The house is in both of our names and I could institute some legal proceedings but I’m not sure if that’s the best route. What do you recommend?

Betwixt and Between

Dear Torn,

There is one important point that all divorced and divorcing parents must keep in mind. Once you have children with someone, you are tied to them for the rest of your life. However much you now “can’t stand” that individual, you still need to interact with them – frequently. And you need to do it in an amicable fashion for the sake of your children. This is crucial. (In fact, couples who are thinking of divorcing may change their minds when they recognize and accept this reality).

I’m not sure why you jumped immediate to the most extreme response i.e. the courts. Perhaps you could begin with a more civilized conversation with your former wife: “The kids tell me that your brother and sister-in-law have moved in. I know you are as concerned for the children’s welfare as I am. Are you comfortable with their potential influence on them?”

This may solve the whole issue. You may discover that your wife has safeguards in place to deal with problem. Or she may acknowledge that, in her desperation for greater financial security, she briefly lost sight of the deeper issues. She may propose an alternative solution. Hostilities and courts could possibly be avoided.

If things don’t go as smoothly as I suggest, you still need to be careful. You don’t want your children stuck in the middle. Your goal is to protect them not to make them pawns in your arguments. Never lose sight of this fact.

Like I said, even though you are no longer married, you need to maintain a good relationship in order to co-parent your children. So proceed with caution. For their sakes.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 31

(21)
mintrose,
February 22, 2013 4:00 AM

tznius not 'sexy' enough for today's standards

my daughter, age 19, doesn't wear pants but does wear tight skirts and also skirts with slits. i was shocked to discover that most of her girlfriends from yeshiva and also seminary also dress this way. the pressure on young women to be 'sexy' is enormous, and women's fashion catalogues actively promote this. all of her yeshiva and seminary girlfriends get 'victoria's secrets' catalogues, in particular, especially since it is owned by Jews and is very pro-Israel. it is a losing battle, as far as i can see. you are up against a mega-industry promoting sexy clothing for women, and Jewish women in particular are very fond of these brand names, since many of these firms are Jewish-owned and pro-Israel .....

C.D.Urbach,
February 24, 2013 6:23 AM

The Key To Success

The only way to accomplish anything of value in this world is by thinking for yourself.True, 3/4 of the world does/doesn't do (fill in the blank) but can that harm me? Does it even help me?
Will I possibly have to give an accounting for it one day?
Will I have a good answer for blindly following misguided trend-setters?
Do these trend-setters give a hoot about my best interests?
Does the Torah?
Hmmmmm.

(20)
grandma,
February 17, 2013 7:15 PM

try being positive

I don't know too many people who react well to criticism. Does your wife have a modest outfit that you like? Next time she puts it on, try 'that really looks elegant' or 'the neckline, the color really brings out your beautiful eyes'.

(19)
C.D. Urbach,
February 12, 2013 4:06 AM

My Humble Opinion

The wife's personal challenge is tznius, modesty. An less confident person would keep a lower profile,not dress to knock people's eyes out. The husband did NOT say he was controlling; he said he was accused of it. If he was truly controlling, she would not be getting as far as she is! As far as the solution? While it is his responsibility to make it 100% clear that he is not happy with her way of dressing...after that he may as well let go, because arguments will probably just increase her desire to go the other way. If it is halacha (and not just their family image) he is genuinely concerned about, the main issue is if he himself adheres to halacha. Why would she listen if she feels he has a double standard? If he is sincere, and after clarifying halacha and his personal wishes to her, she still disappoints him in this way, he can turn to Hashem and beg Him to somehow open her heart to the beauty of modesty.

E,
February 12, 2013 5:33 PM

self confidence is internal

"An less confident person would keep a lower profile,not dress to knock people's eyes out."
Actually, the less confident a person is, the more she dresses to make a mark and catch others' attention. The more content she is within herself, the less she worries about how others perceive her body, and the less she needs to attract and control their attention externally. She is able to allow them to connect with her internal self, her soul, her mind-- rather than constantly worrying about how they see her external body.

C.D.Urbach,
February 13, 2013 12:27 AM

We're both right!:)

Everyone knows that people with low self-esteem "act out" in many different ways. But once in a while, people KNOW THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL and struggle with saving it only for their husband. Once in a while, people act haughty because THEY ARE.

sara,
February 12, 2014 6:58 PM

i agree with u! 100% right! the more confidence someone has, the more they know people will admire them for who they really are, not their image...

(18)
Pinchas,
February 11, 2013 11:39 PM

Modest clothing

The difficulty of weariing modest clothing may very well be simply a problem of not finding a wide selection of choices. Go and try to find modest women or girls fashions at any department store, it is often an exercise in frustration. My point being in part, that that is really the issue for the wife of the husband who questioned about "provacotive attire".

(17)
JBDestiny,
February 11, 2013 6:30 PM

Marriage: Clash of Standards

Why believe that a woman who doesn't want to regularly wrap herself in yards of material must not have confidence in her beauty? It's more likely that this woman has plenty of self-confidence, since she isn't bothered by those "weird looks" but goes her own way regardless.
The real problem seems to be that she holds different standards of modest dress than her husband does. (Would he hold these standards if they lived in a different community, I wonder? After the basics are covered, standards of modest dress are not absolute. There are Poskim who have ruled that pants and some above-the-knee hemlines are modest *for their communities*.) Possibly the wife was raised in a community where the standards were different, and not wearing pants or shorter skirts is weird or extreme to her. Instead of imposing what may be an alien standard on her, perhaps a compromise is needed, such as more coverage for in-community activities while she dresses to her standards outside of it. Or something along the lines of "Try it for a month, and if you can't stand it, then I'll stop nagging you about it."
Note: Husband should make sure he's dressed appropriately as well. There's nothing weirder than seeing a wife covered head-to-toe and hubby is in t-shirt and shorts.

Chaya,
February 11, 2013 8:01 PM

No way....

I am sorry to imform you (and everyone else) that no real "Poskim" have EVER ruled it is modest for a Jewish women to wear pants. No matter what someones personal opinion is on this issue we should always state the facts the way they really are.

(16)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2013 10:23 AM

It won't stop at Botox!

With respect to the author, I find the answer to the Botox question quite disturbing. 1. To me it sounds almost like indirect advice to do the Botox treatment without even mentioning the medical risks. Botox is after all a poison!
2. The questioner did not describe any serious deformation like burns or injuries after an accident. She is talking about invasive (which creams are not) methods to tackle natural signs of aging. I think we need to discover the natural beauty in every stage of life and accept ourselves. This is especially a value for a Jewish women and does not at all contradict beautifying ourselves. Surgical tools are not a remedy for low self esteem (excluding above mentioned extreme cases, and even then, the real work is in the mind to accept oneself).
3. If I do not accept myself, no medical method will help me. I will start with Botox and then find that my nose needs correction, and after that .... it goes on and on. A rather sorry escape. We should all take a lesson from the celebrities of this world who, despite Botox and multiple cosmetic surgeries, cannot face a day without antidepressants or drugs.
You are too precious for that!

(15)
Aaron,
February 11, 2013 8:01 AM

Appreciate your wife's inner beauty, ie: the beauty of her attributes - how she is with the children, how she gives and tries, etc. When she feels at a deeper level that this goodness is a much superior goodness than her external beauty, she can more naturally cover herself up. When she sees that her internal (spritual) beauty is so great, she will appreciate (on her own) that this inner beauty will radiate even stronger when she dresses in a more modest fashion. No need to tell her that she is beautiful on the outside. See for yourself and tell her from your heart how beautiful she is on the inside. Hatzlacha rabba!

(14)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2013 4:55 AM

Modesty vs Tastefulness?

Lots of relevant comments here, but we don't know the whole circumstance (probably bits of truth of each comment). My husband used to tell me that, as a man, he knew what men were thinking. We wives are to dress for only our man's eyes, not lead other men to temptation by our immodesty. Perhaps she wasn't taught about men being visual?

(13)
Beverly Margolis-Kurtin,
February 11, 2013 3:48 AM

What was Botox developed for?

Botox was developed to relieve the severe effects of Dystonias. Dystonia is a disease that is mysterious as no medical tests can define it until a person becomes afflicted with it.
Dystonia is the next step after Tardive Dyskinesia. I acquired the disease through the anti-seizure medicine, Dilantin. It caused me to have spasmodic dysphonia, in which my vocal chords clamped together so tightly that all I could do was whisper. Botox injections though the throat into the larynx was the only known way to free up the muscles in my throat. Others have the agonizing pain of Spasmodic Torticollis in which the neck twists to one side of the head that can last for weeks and even months. People suffering from torticollis have committed suicide because they could not afford the increasing price of Botox.
It was expensive prior to the cosmetic use being discovered, now death is preferred to the intense suffering that torticollis patients experience.
I have a form of paroxysmal dystonia that causes my legs to shake and twist, at times almost dislocating my hips; I've dislocated my shoulders at one time or another.
The drug may make someone look younger, but at WHAT PRICE? Botox was expensive, now it is prohibitive.
Consider that a person with a severe case of dystonia may not be able to work because of their appearance. I had to retire from a very lucrative job because my job depended on my ability to talk. No talk, no job.
Diane Rhem of PBS has to take an occasional break from her nationally syndicated radio program to get Botox injections; she can afford it. It has been priced out of the reach of many people for whom it was developed.
I find it to be a moral question. What is more important, someone with a medical problem or someone who is so vain that they don't want to show their wrinkles?
To my way of thinking it is a terrible travesty that cosmetic use of Botox was ever tried; people who need it can no longer afford it. Think twice about using it.

Alan S.,
February 11, 2013 12:53 PM

This is the story of life, for better or worse. Most people with money tend to spend it (usually) for their own benefit. Whether it is for improving their looks, or buying and developing land in depressed neighborhoods, an unintended side effect is causing the price of the commodity to rise. So, poor people get priced out of their neighborhoods (gentrification), and the cost of a drug, in your case, was made unaffordable because someone else is willing to pay more for it for their needs than you could afford (for your needs). I'm not making a value judgement, I'm just pointing out a lesson from business 101.

(12)
Chava,
February 11, 2013 2:35 AM

tznuis is tznuis

A man wanting his wife to dress modestly and with respect for herself, her husband and marriage? How refreshing! There are beautiful, modest clothing for women. There is simply no cause to be inappropriately dressed. It is not a matter of control-- on either the man or woman's side. It is a matter of respect for one's self, and marriage.

(11)
ST,
February 11, 2013 2:05 AM

To the divorced man

Two things from someone who's married to a divorced man: 1) Get the house out of both of your names. You need to separate your property. If one of you can't afford to buy the other out, sell it. 2) I hate to tell you this, but unless the people living in the home are causing a physical risk to your kids, there is not much you can do about it. One of the painful parts of not living with your kids all the time is the difficult reality that when they are with the other parent, you are not in control. The sooner you can accept that, and focus on what you do with your kids when they are with YOU, the better. I'm sure your ex knows how you feel about her family; it's highly unlikely there is anything you can do or say that will change her mind.

(10)
sonia,
February 11, 2013 1:28 AM

no botox for me, thank you

I wonder if people know that botox comes from botulism toxin. It is poisonous and toxic, and it "makes you look young" just because it paralyzes certain muscles. But as it is quite diluted so as not to be so toxic, effect disappears in some months... and you need yet another shot, until some women become dependant on botox... Understand me, I'm not judging, I'm just talking about our health.

(9)
steve in sc,
February 11, 2013 12:31 AM

about pants...

I am curious about the defense of pants from some of the posts. if her husband put on a dress/skirt would that be ok? how about if he moved the button(s)/zipper to the other side and called it a man's apparel? I have never seen mention of women wearing pants in the Bible, quite the opposite. every mention I found pertains to a man. Or, is Scripture irrelevant when It disagrees with popular opinion? I don't claim ultimate understanding of the Bible, but Deuteronomy 22:5 seems pretty clear cut to me. Why all the confusion? Speaking of confusion, it honestly appears that the mixing of apparel like this only lends to the problem of gender confusion among so many today. I did not y is the cause, but it does lend a hand. Shouldn't the phrase "I know who wears the pants in that family" shine some light on the pants issue?
Thanks in advance if someone clarifies this for me.

Renee,
February 13, 2013 9:05 PM

Pants are not only for men

I agree that it is inapropriate for Jewish women to wear pants because they are immodest and out of line with community standards but that doesn't mean that women who wear pants should be lickened to cross dressers!! I think we can assume that this man's wife is wearing pants that were designed for women--the sort that no typical man would be caught dead wearing. You seem to be confused about gender yourself--gender norms for clothing are culture specific. The fact is that all over the world and throughout history masculine men have worn skirts (think of the dress traditionally worn by men in Sri Lanka, Scottland, all over medieval Europe) and feminine women have worn pants (examples include the Inuit, various Arab peoples etc.). It would have been nice if the Bible had included detailed descriptions of what our ancestors wore--it doesn't. However our rabbis have given us details and one of them is that pants are immodest for women.
That said, I really think the man who wrote the question needs to stand by his wife and be loyal to her even if the community isn't thrilled by her clothing choices. She'll come around in time if, as others have suggested, he try very hard to follow all the halachas that he can on his own and offer her the loving support every wife craves.

Sharon,
February 18, 2013 10:21 AM

Surely you know...

...that men used to wear dresses and skirts, though they were given a different name. And today all over the world women wear pants, so it clearly is not a man's clothing. Obviously tight jeans might be sexually distracting, but not more so than tight sweaters.

(8)
Anonymous,
February 10, 2013 6:44 PM

Dressing Provocatively

Isn't there a halachah about this? It sounded from the husband's letter that he lives in a community that takes halachah seriously. Maybe the root of this issue is a difference in approach to halachah, which is a general approach to life.

(7)
Heather,
February 10, 2013 6:36 PM

provocative clothing

It seems that provocative clothing is unfortunately more & more common these days. What wasn't ok 5 or 10 years ago, you see on everybody nowadays. I changed my style of dress to be more modest & appreciate when other women are dressed modestly, but I understand the pressure some women feel to look attractive based on their outfit. It would be nice if women could learn to appreciate their beauty in modesty for that is a great example to children & it doesn't cause others to stumble. All you can do is pray & try to lead by example.

(6)
Lois Homer,
February 10, 2013 5:48 PM

procative dress and botox question

In this day and age, people need to mind their own business and the husband needs to accept his wife the way she is. She doesn't wear dresses up to you know where and there's nothing wrong with wearing pants. People who give disapproving looks need to mind their own business and get a life. As for botox, I have plenty of fine line wrinkles and would love to not have them but surgery is scary and uncertain with possible side effects and things that could go wrong. Even some of the expensive wrinkle creams may not be safe for some women. A dermatologist said that those creams that seem to smooth out wrinkles really make the face slightly swollen and irritated and that's why the wrinkles seem gone. Just use regular moisturizer and wear a hat and or sunscreen when in the sun. I am 73 and earned my wrinkles even though I'd love to look 22 again. I keep in shape and live a healthy lifestyle and that's the best you can do for yourself, both men and women. My mom got a very bad allergic reaction to a hormone cream she tried for what she called a wrinkled neck. Don't make yourself sick trying to look young by surgery, crazy diets, or expensive creams that don't work.

Bob Rabinoff,
February 11, 2013 1:11 AM

Which direction are we facing?

Frankly, I've always been partial to a natural look -- less (preferably no) makeup, clean and neat appearance. A Rabbi once pointed out that our culture is so afraid of death that we turn our backs to it. But we're all moving in that direction anyway, so the choice is really whether we want to look forward or backward! If we really believe in a just and merciful Gd, and we've done our best on this earth, then why should we not look forward to moving on?

(5)
Allie,
February 10, 2013 4:06 PM

Massive change in attire?

I'm wondering if the husband just didn't notice how his wife dressed before he married her? Or did he move them to this new community and expect her to change because of it? Either way, it's unreasonable. Particularly when people are looking askance at her because she wears PANTS?
Perhaps if this husband didn't act controlling and just was supportive of his wife (i,e., choosing his wife over community preferences), she might feel a stronger inclination toward accommodating him.

(4)
Amy,
February 10, 2013 4:02 PM

Tzniut is tzniut & you can be tznius & beautiful

Not sure exactly what's going on vis-avis pants & short skirts. Sitting down together & discussing what tzniut/modesty means to them...& putting a chumra/fence around your marriage is key. You can TOTALLY ROCK modest clothing:)

Heather,
February 10, 2013 7:50 PM

so true

so true Amy :)

(3)
Betty,
February 10, 2013 3:37 PM

I understand the situation but the husband should ask himself one question. If his wife asked him to dress differently or for that matter, do anything differently, would he ? If he honestly thinks he would, then he can talk with her and tell her exactly why he feels that way. I am sure if there is mutual love and respect, she will. However, the important question is, would he change.

(2)
Shoshana - Jerusalem,
February 10, 2013 12:21 PM

provocative clothing

I can understand you that the wife will not want to change her mode of dress because of what the neighbors are saying and that the husband should try a different approach. But, at the same time, shouldn't she love her husband enough to try not to embarrass him? From his letter it doesn't sound as if he is asking that she dress in some extreme fashion, but just normal standards of modesty. .Which, it could be, to her does sound extreme. Perhaps she needs to understand the beauty of the quality of modesty for a Jewish woman, that that is her true beauty and value. Also, I didn't get who she is dressing for and wants to look good for. Her husband doesn't approve and neither does the community, so who is she dressing for?

(1)
Alan S.,
February 10, 2013 10:59 AM

In reference to the first letter, I wonder if the husband truly noticed how is wife dressed while they were dating. Did she dress one way while dating and change after marriage? Was she always dressing provocatively, and this he found alluring while dating? As he ages, are his likes/dislikes changing, as regards dress style? As she gets older, are her likes/dislikes changing? The husband has to ask himself these fair questions. As for a woman, the same for a man: don't get married with the expectation of changing a person significantly.
Rebbitzen, I have one small quibble with something you wrote: unless the letter was edited, he never admitted to being a control freak. He only said he's been sometimes accused of being one, and is concerned of becoming one if he insists on a certain style of dress.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...