Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Honestly

Perhaps it's Mercury stationing direct (now in the "storm" phase) or maybe I've just completely flipped my lid but the strangest and most interesting things have been occurring to me since mid-afternoon. Let me clarify: strange and interesting maybe only to me as they are mostly low key "revelations" about my long standing mood problems (doesn't that sound nice and non-threatening and not very serious?).
First off, I really am thinking that I might have an internet addiction. It's just such an easy toy to turn to when I'm bored, there's so much out there. But it quickly becomes a habit and even though I know that I feel much better if I'm actually doing something -like gardening or going out for a walk or doing hair or making something or even just cleaning the house- there are times when I just can't think of anything else and I plop down in front of my computer.
This leads me to my worst nasty-thoughts-of-the-day which is that I got really annoyed after spending a while perusing a number of blogs of young ladies who are similar to myself and post a lot of photos of things and places they like, write a bit about how they feel and little stories from their lives -all good stuff that I enjoy. But after scrolling through one too many, I guess, I came across a girl who had posted a series of photos of herself taken in a cute outfit in a 7-Eleven parking lot followed by a series of herself wearing a cute outfit on the beach staring out at the ocean and I just got totally nauseated. I can think of a number of "reasons why" I felt this way but they're all petty and lame and don't really make any sense beyond that perhaps I was feeling overly saturated at that point.
When I sat down to write this I had a pretty clear idea of what I was going to rant about but suddenly it's gone fuzzy..... And that's kind of the basis of everything for me lately. I feel like crap, I start to surface and see more clearly, I feel ridiculous for having been so blind (I hate cliches but they're always just so easy to reach), I feel upset for the time I lost feeling bad, I realize again all the REAL reasons that I have felt so bad for so long which actually seem entirely beyond my control (and therefor valid) and then I see a girl who takes twenty photo's of herself sucking down a big gulp in front of a 7-Eleven and think "Where does she get the confidence to not feel ridiculous doing this?!" It's highly likely that this is partially fueled by my having skipped a mid-day meal because I didn't know what I was hungry for. Not to worry, dinner's on the stove.

Addendum: I just remembered one of the things I wanted to say. I'm really tired of squelching what I honestly think and feel. I certainly don't want to hurt any feelings, I truly am a kind person, but I feel like I'm always seeing two extremes in people: the ones who don't believe in having dreams or the possibility of making them real, and the ones who live in utter fantasy, shunning all practicalities. I'm kind of sick of it all but it's hard to say. More aptly, I suppose, I'm tired of feeling stuck in one or the other of these extremes. There IS a happy medium to be found there and I intend to find it and live in it.