Cliff's Ten Golden Rules

A Hollywood screenwriter lays out his checklist of "non-negotiables" for the serious dater.

With the possible, single exception of global, thermonuclear war, dating has got to be the hardest, cruelest, most grueling, unusually deceptive, extraordinarily haphazard and exorbitantly expensive undertaking between human beings since the dawn of time.

An overstatement? Hardly. Everyone we know has had his/her full share of horror stories and battle scars. Yet we still manage to stay in the fray, year after disappointing year, gamely hoping (praying?) that the very next person we encounter will be The One...

What makes this seemingly innocent social activity between consenting adults such a blueprint for utter catastrophe?

To paraphrase the real estate industry's classic benchmark for property valuation, "Location, Location, Location," the pitfalls of dating can be summed up with, "Agenda, Agenda, Agenda." In other words, it's each party's real intentions going in -- i.e. mis-communicated real intentions -- that gets us clobbered every single time.

Let's start with an obvious oversimplification, which we all know, for the most part, happens to be absolutely true: Guys generally have one agenda, gals have another. Okay? There. We've said it for the record in black and white.

We also know that starting any kind of relationship, be it social or business, "coming from two entirely different perspectives with two entirely different game plans" virtually assures a no-win outcome. That means -- if a lady accepts an invitation for a date thinking this guy's a good bet to become her future One-and-Only. And if the guy asks a lady out simply because she's a knockout, well, somebody is inevitably going to get hurt. Probably both of us.

I'm an "ex-dater," now happily married with two children. Through much trial, error and pain, I stumbled upon "Cliff's Ten Golden Rules of Serious Dating":

Set an Agenda -- Since I can't control anyone else's thoughts or actions, I decided once and for all to control my OWN actions and set my own agenda. In this case, I wanted to get married, and I made sure to communicate this to everyone I knew!

Be Proactive -- I stopped relying on "chance" encounters, and decided to proactively go out there and meet my future wife. I knew I could never make Ms. Right magically appear, but I sure wanted to avoid spending significant time in places she wasn't likely to be. I made sure I placed myself in those environments that I knew would be the most conducive to meeting the right kind of person. For me, one key environment was my local Aish HaTorah branch. Sure enough, I met my wife in a class on -- what else? -- "relationships!"

Make a "Spec's" List -- I made a list of criteria in great detail (and why not? I was beseeching the Master of the Universe!) for exactly for the type of person I was looking for. This was the single best tool I had to avoid wasting valuable time. How can you find something if you don't know what you're looking for?

Pick the Right Crowd -- I decided to avoid any and all individuals who were clearly counterproductive to my newly stated "mission." (Note: This was painful!)

Make a Fresh Start -- Since I wanted to start with a perfectly clean slate, I threw away the photos, phone numbers and personal keepsakes of every woman I had ever dated. No more casual phone calls or birthday cards -- no more contact whatsoever. Business is business!

No Expectations -- I realized, once and for all, that I wasn't going to "change" anyone, nor was anyone likely to "change" for me. I learned the hard way that expecting anyone to significantly change over the course of time is naïve and counterproductive.

Get a Second Opinion -- I picked two close, trusted friends to rely on who knew me inside and out. I made sure they met anyone I seriously considered becoming involved with, and I listened carefully to their impressions.

Time Limit -- Once I met someone who was in the ballpark, I gave myself an ironclad time limit of six weeks to find out. For me, this was a sufficient amount of time. If I wasn't sure by then, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

Watch and Learn -- "Kindness" is a mandatory quality that must be at the very top of everyone's pre-qualifying list of specifications. If someone's awfully nice to you, but awfully mean to his/her brother, mother, business associate or headwaiter, it's time to cut your losses and move on -- quickly.

No Physical Intimacy -- This was the toughest one of all, but absolutely necessary. Once we become physically involved, our judgment becomes irreparably clouded and we lose all our objectivity. Obviously there has to be "chemistry," but we're looking for a Life Partner here, someone to raise a family with! "Character" comes first and last. Once trust, mutual respect and common goals are established, all that terrific chemistry that was put on hold takes over and love will inevitably follow.

Even if you have to throw out all the other nine rules, stick to Number Ten at all costs. When it comes to dating, physical intimacy is the most seductive, potentially damaging pitfall of them all. Remember something, ladies -- (Guys, don't kill me for this) -- if a guy wants to become intimate with you, I guarantee he isn't doing it for you.

These rules are guaranteed to get you through the dating process relatively unbattered. It isn't "rocket science." It's actually harder than rocket science -- and it's called "common sense." The older we get the better we (hopefully!) know ourselves. When you finally do meet The One you've been waiting for, don't wait around second-guessing yourself till the cows come home (old Jewish proverb). Make your move!

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 40

(40)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2014 2:47 AM

The Truth

They don't post the bad comments.The true ones. Nothing worse then being the old soccer parent. Everyone makes fun of you behind your back. Good Luck.

(39)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2009 8:01 PM

10 Rules

Thank you for your suggestions.

(38)
Getting There,
July 2, 2009 12:05 AM

Expectations...

I'm not religious but I really believe that G-d, or the Universe, just has a way of sending you a partner when the time is right. I'm divorced, and although my marriage ended, it was absolutely necessary in order for me to wake up and realize I wasn't looking for the most important qualities in a person (i.e. kindness, common goals). Now I am not sure if I will another person to marry but I'm pretty sure if I do, he'll be a keeper because I'll be looking for those important qualities. Stressing about it seems pointless, though. I consider it more of a waiting game and enjoy this time to focus on my relationship with my little son and the excitement of wondering -- who will the next great person to enter my life be?
And to ANON - yes, some Jewish women (men too) think they're too good -- but not all of us. Some of us are down to earth so don't give up your search :)

(37)
Anonymous,
June 29, 2009 12:04 AM

A lot of Jewish women in the DC area have chips on the shoulder and think they are better than all the guys out there. In addition, they are very materialist and want you to live in a certain geographical area and if you are neither, they spit you out. I follow many of the issues addressed in this article. However, I am still single because if the woman won't compromise, why should I. By the way---where is the "right crowd"? I haven't quite figured out where that is.

(36)
Anonymous,
March 1, 2009 11:36 AM

encouraging

It's nice to see how many people agree with this article. There may be some who say it's impossible and unrealistic, but one can tell that's not true just by reading the comments!

(35)
Gabriella,
January 27, 2009 3:47 PM

I agree with number 10

You are so right , I hope more and more ladies will read this article and get a sense of what a future wife is and also what great men are looking for.
I am a single Mom with 3 boys and I teach them, when later in life, is time to look for the woman to marry if she accepts to have a physical intimacy before marriage that is the one you should NOT MARRY.I know they will remember at the right time because I say it to many times...
I am glad that you wrote this article , it might help the good people out there to find someone that has true virtutes and not to just look at the material aspect of a man , because what a man bring in a marriage is not everything.What you as a wife will support him to achieve is what is about a wife....
Be blessed

(34)
clive,
November 25, 2008 10:53 AM

genuis

This man is a genuis! I could never have figured out these 10 profound rules myself. It must be because he is a hollywood screen writer. I mean to say, if he was a plumber for example, these pearls of wisdom would never have see the light of day. I wonder, does he have ten rules on how to make the perfect chop liver? We should be told.

(33)
Jessica,
November 23, 2008 6:21 PM

To #25 and also The Torah doesn't Change!

I like what Yacov said. Also to number 25 don't forget to have faith and believe in HaShem to bring you the person. You are doing the right thing by following his commandments in finding your beshert. Maybe he still has some work to do in you and you should do what Yacov did. Don't be upset but believe in HaShem or He won't be able to work on your behalf.
Also I'm surprised on how many people don't agree wtih number 10. WHen did HaShem change the Torah to allow sex before marriage? If the girl gets pregnant, you're in an even more complicated situation, especially if you don't want to stay together. Even if you do, everything will be backwards. Follow the Torah, there's no excuse for sex before marriage, no matter how old you are! the Torah doesn't change.

(32)
B,
November 19, 2008 12:57 PM

to Paul in DC

A woman who will only date you if you live in a mansion is not worth your time. Still, for us women who hope to marry and have a family, the prospect of a guy who makes so little that he can't even afford a simple condo is scary. There are too many men in D.C. who are chasing their passion for very little pay. While money isn't everything the idea of having children with someone who doesn't have enough for the basics is too scary. If that's you, then you need to look at yourself before getting negative on all of the women out there.

(31)
Paul Ackman,
September 22, 2008 2:48 PM

What if you aren't a Hollywood screenwriter?

In DC, it's not "agenda, agenda, agenda" it's "location, location, location." Your location is her agenda. A man who owns his own house in the right neighborhood is a great catch and a man who doesn't live in the right neighborhood isn't. LA is like that, too. It's easy to have rules and time limits if your location and profession allow you to meet tons of marriage minded SJFs, but around here, it's not like that.
The practical advice is to buy a mansion in a great neighborhood in Atlanta, DC, New York, or LA, and quit my job as a government scientist to find something that could support the mortgage, because around here it's incredibly difficult to meet marriage minded SJFs. But do I really want to trash life as I know it just to impress a woman who doesn't care about who I am, just where I live?

(30)
Peaches,
September 17, 2008 9:09 AM

Hey Yacov !! Comment No 24!

First off Kudos to Cliff - the list is great and I agree with it, especially No10, the number that most people cannot fathom - But mostly for the girls, cause you get some mean dudes out there that will take advantage of the fact that a gal is looking for a long term commitment. They just know how to act and what to say and then a few months later your Prince rides off in the sunset -WITHOUT YOU! - So yea, be carefull please. If you really need to get physical rely on yourself and go buy some "grown up goodies".
Anyways, Yacov, So I've been dating and stopped and dating and stopped and cried and pleaded and feel that I might just have had enough of all kinds of dating activities. So I start praying for a nice guy, cause really, I've done all the dating I one person can handle and just before I turn into a really bitter lady, I was hoping "Someone" (follow my eyes..."up there") would send someone. Then guess what - My Ex pops up!- And it happens every time - Yea!! and I've been in love with him for many, many years. Unfortunatly he is a smooth dude and he just likes strining me along..and runs away from commitment faster than any Jemaican you've ever seen! So Yacov, the way I see it - Would you mind sayin a prayer for me? Seems like you are in the good seats..And I have a plan! I've decided, should the Ex show up again, I will just beat him with a stick until he goes away...far away ..(Follow my eyes... "down there")....Then I'll let you know and you can talk to G-d for me and HOPEFULLY there will be a real nice guy popping up somewhere.. so... Yacov - will you do that for me....?

(29)
Itzel,
September 14, 2008 11:32 PM

You Guys are crazy!!

First of all you guys are crazy. If a girl does''nt want to have sex with you *or* have any physical contact within the first three dates, that does not mean she is not interested. On the contrary. I have been on a few dates and my favorite part of dating is to see exactly how long a guy will last untill he cant handle having physical contact anymore. If he applies this 3 dates dumb rule he is not worth my time. It is obviouse that your soul is not seeking a partner as much as your body is seeking pleasure. If you are 50 and still single then you are not looking for this special woman in the right places *or* your approach might be wrong too. many men are in complete lost because they dont fallow rules. Men fallow the rules if you want a beautiful, intelligent, and FAITHFUL wife by your side, otherwise keep on complaining about the rules instead of working on yourselves. Stop pointing fingers in the wrong direction. This article is great and any man looking for a great companion would do good in fallowing them... Its like everything ..you work hard to have what you like right?

(28)
A,
September 11, 2008 10:50 PM

well said, well done

mazal tov!
...and you may add ''faith and trust in God'', right!
*or* maybe you should have started with that first, then the 10 rules
either way, may you have a full and fruitful life together

(27)
virgil,
September 7, 2008 11:16 PM

Response to Marc

Your ways are the ways of the world. Your rules don't work here! Thank you.

(26)
Marc,
August 29, 2008 10:12 AM

Give me a break

Number 10 is absurd for adults. This isn't the middle ages, I don't care what some obscure religious rule says. I've been married for 17 years, every significant relationship eventually involved physical intimacy. I was not looking for quick sex and certainly, I would never force myself on anyone but my experience is summed up by what a female friend called the "Three Date Rule"--if a woman doesn't want to be intimate after three dates, she isn't interested. I never broke up because of that but I found that to be invariably true.
As for the other rules, I found flexibility to be much more important than having a rigid set of criteria. I tried to be inclusive rather than exclusive. I don't understand #5 at all.

(25)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2008 2:09 AM

I followed these and am still single at 50!

I made up the same set of rules for myself when I was 15. It is the reason I am still single today. Men are only looking for the best looking sex partner they can get with the least amount of work. Then they wind up married to her and divorced from her. I can't speak for the Orthodox community, for I am not observant, but what I say is the truth for the rest of us. Even after these men get divorced, their goals with women stay the same. They are NEVER looking for a true partner in life. So, follow these rules only if you want to be ridiculed (as I was) for your entire life and still single at 50! Am I angry? You bet I am!

(24)
Yaacov,
August 24, 2008 11:06 AM

Only when G-d things you're ready...

I divorced after 20 years of marriage and two daughters nearing the age of 50. I met and/or dated over 100 women in the course of one year. (By the way... the FIRST meeting I never considered a "date".) I figured it was simply a "game of probabilities". The more people you met... the more chances you would meet the right one.
I had finally given up... completely. I cried to G-d and told him that I was completely DONE... FINISHED... No more looking for me. If HE wanted me to meet someone... then it was up to HIM. I focused on working on myself and improving... physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Well, just two months later... I was introduced to the most amazing woman. B'H (with G-d's help) we plan to marry this September. I suddenly realized that we meet the one we are meant to be with only when G-D feels we are ready... NOT when WE think we are!
I do agree... for the most part... on Cliff's suggestions. But more importantly... my suggestion is to TRUST... unequivocably... and unquestioningly... in the only ONE who actually KNOWS who our "soul-mate" is.
We BOTH sincerely believe and agree... that even as early as a few months prior to meeting... NEITHER of us would have recognized the value of each other.
So, MY suggestion is... TRUST in G-d... and tell him exactly what you're looking for. Prepare yourself physically, emotionaly and spiritually. And, when HE feels you're ready... you will meet him/her.
Oh, one more thing... DO NOT expect to get 100% of everything you ask for. That's where the TRUST part comes in. HE knows what you need much better than we do! :)

(23)
Sarah,
August 24, 2008 9:55 AM

Right On

I came up with the same list, more or less. It helped me sort through potentials with lightening speed. Getting to the chupah means block and figuratively tackling. Saying no is as important as saying yes. I met the man of my dreams, Baruch Hashem. Then I fell madly in love. Cliff put it quite succinctly, especially rule number 10. It is "Our Father's" rule so if He is bringing the bashert, it pays to follow his guidelines.

(22)
Anonymous,
August 24, 2008 7:32 AM

disagree with 1st paragraph

I have to disagree with the 1st paragraph. Dating is not the hardest, cruelest, most grueling, unusually deceptive, extraordinarily haphazard and exorbitantly expensive undertaking between human beings since the dawn of time. DIVORCE is. That's why the rest of the article is so important.

(21)
Ari Haviv,
January 4, 2004 12:00 AM

#10

rules 1 through 9 are Cliff's experience. But #10 comes from the Torah. Shomer negiah applies to all Jews before marriage

(20)
Ruth Laurin,
April 17, 2002 12:00 AM

He's telling the truth!

It worked for my fiance and I before we even thought about marriage.

(19)
brian symonds,
April 15, 2002 12:00 AM

what works for Cliff doesn't necessarily work for everyone...

Most of the "10 rules" are practical and focused if somewhat obvious. However rule 10 for dating is far too personal to apply to any and all persons. There is also an element of "wishful thinking" in that with the establishment of trust, respect and common goals "love will inevitably follow." OH? Says who? If that's Cliff's experience; great! But does it mean that love will inevitably follow for all persons once the previous parameters are met? To me that feels like "putting the cart before the horse." To wit: "I choose you to be my life's partner and therefore we shall fall in love together." I prefer to "fall in love" and then want to spend the rest of my life with that person. In my past I thought that love would follow trust, common goals etc. For me, divorce is what followed.

(18)
Karen Sly,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Well, I ran into this site in the nick of time! I am currently dating someone, and I needed something that would help me have a clearer perspective on things.
And I believe that this site has just saved me years of pain and suffering. Thanks.

(17)
debbie krous,
February 10, 2002 12:00 AM

interesting

What if we both want a relationship and physical intimacy? It is possible that females have that on the agenda also. It does not make us bad people, simply human, (provided that we are indeed grown adults without the rosy eyglasses on anymore!)

(16)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2001 12:00 AM

Disagree with #5

I'd never date someone who followed number 5. I don't understand people who run away from their past, I think it's sad. To me, part of being a mature, secure partner is being able to see and take the good from your own past relationships (and enjoy the positive memories without guilt), and to accept and encourage that behavior in a partner.

(15)
Brian Carr,
May 21, 2001 12:00 AM

Wise and sound advice

However, #10 and others flow from first being able to meet-and recognise-a person of value. That may be the hardest part of all

(14)
Anonymous,
May 2, 2001 12:00 AM

Very thoughtful, sensible and comprahensive

Nice guidelines for new dates. Clears all doubts abt how to go abt dating and what to do there and what to expect etc. Very nice !!

(13)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2001 12:00 AM

great advice

looking foward to my first try at speed
datting tues,4/24!!

(12)
Sidney Levine,
March 10, 2001 12:00 AM

UNBELEIVABLE!

This entire site reeks with history, wholesomeness, help and important advice. Thank God for the invention of the computer & it's internet. This is all truly a blessing. Wish I were younger & able to absorb every morsel of wisdom that appears here. I am 70 years old & am feeling it; I feel surrounded by the wonderment of all this!I hope others feel the same way I do. God bless.

(11)
Zoe Hill,
January 15, 2001 12:00 AM

Hooray, finally a common sense approach to dating.

Thanks so much for your common sense approach to dating. Yes, it's true that many people don't really know what they want and others arn't up front. It makes choices much easier when everyone knows where they stand. :)

(10)
,
January 2, 2001 12:00 AM

comments from the woman's side

One comment asked for a woman's perspective, so I'm giving my comments on these rules:
#1- Have an agenda by all means. Just make sure that the other person shares it. I've gone out with too many young men who are just doing it to get the matchmakers off their backs.
#2- Absolutely. You won't meet anyone sitting on your couch at home.
#3- Know what you want, but be flexible. Better to have 2 or 3 criteria that you absolutely must have and leave the rest up for discussion and compromise.
#4- Cut back, yes, but you don't need to completely lose your other friends.
#5- Absolutely. Clinging to the past can only block the future.
#6- This is why you need to be flexible with your list. Someone may meet most, but not all, of your criteria, but no one is perfect.
#7- Yes, but don't forget to trust yourself and your own intuition.
#8- Yes, but you must also allow that time to really find out for sure. Don't just give up after only one date. Second and even third chances are sometimes the key.
#9- This one is crucial. Like #6 says, you can't expect people to change.
#10- Definitely. At the very least, set limits, but your best bet is to just avoid any physical contact. All it does is take away your objectivity, which is so crucial at this point.

(9)
Steve Kranish,
December 19, 2000 12:00 AM

detailed lists are bad, and changing from single to part of a couple is CHANGE

I don't think detailed lists are a very good idea; they just encourage one to keep looking for what they have probably never found before. I have found that what I am looking for keeps changing as I learn....
I am also going to disagree with most of #6 - if someone has been single for a long time (i.e. years), then becoming part of a couple is going to be a VERY big change - maybe TOO big a change for some, which is why they ultimately stay single. If one of the couple already has children, the changes are even bigger - and more daunting. What is necessary is for someone to WANT to make the appropriate changes to allow a relationship to work.

(8)
Anonymous,
December 19, 2000 12:00 AM

Response to "Anonymous"

The "no intimacy" in the #10 Rule--the most important one I might add--means not having sex. Once you do, the chances of ruining a good thing go from questionable to probable--and you've cheated yourself your honeymoon experience. It's like opening your birthday gift the day before, wrapping it up again, and then feigning surprise on the day of the party--that sucks.

(7)
Anonymous,
December 7, 2000 12:00 AM

One can always rely for original and clever thought from Cliff. He doesn't disappoint. How about a regular column from him?

(6)
Anonymous,
December 5, 2000 12:00 AM

Difficult but Foolproof

I endorse this list, from personal experience! My soon-to-be-husband (next week!) acted the way this list describes pretty much to the letter (okay, except Rule 10). He knew what he wanted, I was obviously it, and he honed in, getting to know me in a pretty methodical way. We met eachother's family and friends early on (which meant he was a. serious, and b. had nothing to hide), and he was open from the start that he wanted to get married. Two elements were especially important for us: Rule 3 (know what you're looking for - my fiance knew what he wanted, and that made me think about what I was looking for, for the very first time). Also, Cliff's ending advice - don't wait once you know - is great. I think that life is for living, and once you know someone's your life partner, you might as well start sharing it with them. Most of my friends don't seem to share this view, and will date someone for years before breaking up. Getting engaged has made me realize that the goal isn't to experience the whole of life together and THEN decide whether or not you're compatible, but to identify the one you love/want to be with, and then negotiate the rest of life together. Browsing the Aish site, I guess that's a pretty Jewish point of view, too!

(5)
Anonymous,
December 5, 2000 12:00 AM

Good article, but #10 is vague...

I think the rules are excellent, though I do agree with a previous comment that making a big list can be counter-productive. It's a balance. I also am curious--what specifically do you mean by "physical intimacy"?

(4)
Anonymous,
December 4, 2000 12:00 AM

Sensible but difficult

I found these rules obvious and yet useful. Number 10 does seem the hardest. As I woman, I'd love to hear a man's advice on how to make #10 happen. I find that almost all the men I date want to get physical quite quickly. (I'm talking about men in their late 30s and early 40s)

(3)
Anonymous,
December 4, 2000 12:00 AM

Too easy

As an ex-dater myself, I can tell you that making a big list is the worst thing you can do. You end up creating that which doesn't exist. Also, while in theory I agree with the no intimacy, it sometimes does help get the person to be more open emotionally.

(2)
Tom Price,
December 3, 2000 12:00 AM

These rules make good sense.

I enjoyed this article and the rules follow good logic and are written with much wisdom. I would like to see a female perspective on dating to see if they are the same. It might help the guys out quite a bit if the rules from a womans perspective were also spelled out. Thanks Cliff for sharing a little of your philosophy with us.
Sincerely,
Tom

(1)
Anonymous,
December 3, 2000 12:00 AM

At my age?

This was a wonderful commentary on dating for the young... those looking to start a family. What about those of us in our older years, who find ourselves divorced or widowed. Many of us are coming from some very difficult places. Is there a forum for us?

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!