Flippant comments can prove irreversible

DEAR ANNIE: My wife, “Amy,” is 26. She is a wonderful, pretty girl, and I love her to pieces. We’ve been married two years. Her married sister, “Zoe,” is a year older and supermodel gorgeous, but I have never been even remotely attracted to her.

A few months back, we had a big family party to watch the royal wedding. Somewhere along the way, a lighthearted discussion broke out among the guys as to who was more attractive — the bride or her sister. That’s when I made the biggest mistake of my life. I joked that my brother-in-law was lucky he nabbed Zoe first, or I would have snatched her up. I don’t know why I said it. I didn’t even mean it.

Zoe and my mother-in-law shot daggers at me, and my wife was quiet for the rest of the evening. I decided I would apologize as soon as we got home, but I never had the chance. As soon as we walked in the door, Amy went totally ballistic. She screamed and cried about how I humiliated her in front of everyone, and that she’d felt second-best to Zoe her entire life. I knew she was hurt, but no matter what I said or how hard I apologized, she refused to accept that it was a joke. She said she always believed I had underlying feelings for her sister, and now everyone else thinks so, too. Then, to my horror, she packed her bags and said our marriage was over.

I figured I’d give her time to calm down, but things went south from there. Amy told me she couldn’t be married to a man who was so insensitive, and after that, she refused to see me or speak to me. The next thing I know, I’m being served with divorce papers.

I don’t know what to do. Her family has swooped in to shield her from me, so I can’t even get close enough to suggest counseling. Everyone is angry with me, and I’m angry with myself and my big, stupid mouth. Even though I know I was wrong, I can’t believe a wonderful marriage can be over just because of a flippant comment that I didn’t mean. Is there any hope for us? — Suffering Soon-to-Be Ex

Aside from your incredible disregard for your wife’s major sore spot, many people believe that such “flippant comments” hold hidden truths (see: Freud). At this point, there may be no way to convince Amy that you don’t harbor salacious thoughts about Zoe. Your best bet is to enlist the help of Amy’s parents. Apologize to them. Admit you were an obtuse idiot. Cry. Beg them to get Amy to consider counseling. We hope it works. You sound truly remorseful.

DEAR ANNIE: My husband is going to be evaluated for a lung transplant next month, but he is having second thoughts. I asked the doctor if he could put my husband in touch with people who have undergone this surgery and was surprised that he couldn’t help me.

I want my husband to have all the facts before he decides one way or the other and would be grateful for your help. — Theresa in Florida

Try Second Wind Lung Transplant Association (2ndwind.org) at 1-888-855-9463 and Transplant Recipients International Organization (trioweb.org) at 1-800-TRIO-386 (1-800-874-6386). We wish your husband all the best.

DEAR ANNIE: I am writing in response to “Tired of Living with Silent Bob,” whose wife of 20 years gets angry over little things on a daily basis.

I, too, suffered from anger over every little thing. Talking to counselors did nothing. I finally discussed it with my doctor, who diagnosed me with clinical depression and put me on medication. What a change! Clinical depression is a daily battle, but with medication, I’m able to be less angry. — BTDT