"The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical
substances. If anything happens, both are changed."
- C. G. Jung

When we mix together the ingredients for a cake, we begin by
measuring the appropriate quantities of distinct and separate
ingredients: flour, butter, eggs, sugar, milk. But somehow, when
these are blended together in a particular order and baked at a
particular temperature, we create an altogether different entity.
The chemical composition of the ingredients has irrevocably changed;
the cake smells, looks and tastes different from any single
ingredient which we put into it at the outset; and through some magic
which the chemist might explain but the cook usually does not
comprehend, a transformation process has occurred which is nothing
short of miraculous. Some ingredients, skillfully combined, make a
delicious treat. Others produce a reasonable but unexciting dessert.
Still others, even if they sounded wonderful in the book, create one
of those kitchen failures which teach us to try another recipe next
time. And perhaps even more mysteriously, different people like some
kinds of cakes and find others indigestible; and no one really knows
why.

Human relationships are considerably more enigmatic than cookery, for
the psychologist, unlike the chemist who observes changes in the
molecular structure of eggs and flour, will never be able to totally
reduce our interaction with others to a rational formula. There is a
profound mystery at the heart of every relationship which always
eludes our best efforts to explain why we are with this person and
not that one. Yet the essential principle is the same. Take two
human ingredients, distinct and separate, and put them together in
the mixing bowl of a close relationship. Stir vigorously and apply
heat - the heat of sexual desire, emotional need, conflict,
intellectual exchange, the challenges of time and mundane
circumstances, idealisation and inspiration - and through some
extraordinary alchemy a new entity is created with its own
life-force, its own intelligence and vision, and its own identity
independent of and different from the two people who generated it.

Even more mysterious is the effect which this new entity has on the
character and development of the individuals involved. At best, each
person may grow and blossom through the transformative effect of the
relationship. At worst, both may suffer. Or the relationship may be
healthy for one partner but turns out, however delicious, to disagree
badly with the other. Some people bring out the worst in us, and
some bring out the best. And this is not necessarily related to how
we are treated by our partners. We may feel profound compassion for
failings in one individual which invoke only contempt or anger when
we perceive the same failings in someone else. We may find ourselves
able to explore and express talents and abilities in one relationship
which seem mysteriously blocked or thwarted in another - despite any
active encouragement or obstruction on the part of our companion.
Sometimes even deep love between partners cannot prevent the gradual
erosion of confidence and enthusiasm in one or both people.
Sometimes a couple who have always been ill-suited and unhappy with
each other remain inexplicably locked in relationships for a
lifetime, yet at other times a couple who in fact have much in common
as well as a deep attachment to each other are forced apart in spite
of their sincere and prolonged efforts to preserve the bond. Many
failed relationships are due to the unintentionally destructive
actions of both partners, and could be helped or even radically
transformed through insight and joint effort. Many others are
inexplicably unworkable despite such insight and effort. Every
relationship contains many ingredients, some conscious and some
unconscious; and however deeply we analyse ourselves and our
partners, we must sometimes accept some deeper or higher intelligence
at work in our relationship patterns. Yet whatever the nature and
outcome of a relationship, if - as Jung puts it - anything "happens",
both people are irrevocably changed.

CHAPTER II

WHAT BRINGS YOU TOGETHER

Our attraction to another person is rarely as simple as we believe it
to be at the time we experience that initial fascination. We may
admire someone's handsome face or soulful eyes or lovely body or
graceful way of moving. Or we may be drawn to their sense of humour,
their intelligence or their personal power and self-confidence. But
what we first register about another person is only the tip of a very
deep and complex iceberg. You and Tom are two distinct individuals -
two entirely different "substances" - each of whom brings to the
alchemy of your relationship a defined personality with its own
unique gifts, attributes and conflicts. But what is the specialness
of the attraction? What has brought you together? George Bernard
Shaw, cynical about relationships at the end of his life, once
defined the state of being in love as the fallacy of believing that
one person was actually different from another. Most of us, unless
we have been deeply and perhaps pathologically embittered by
experience, would not agree with him; people are ultimately
irreplaceable because they are unique, and you and Tom create a
unique chemistry between you. There may be areas where, in terms of
your basic characters, you have an instinctive harmony and
understanding with each other. That is usually why we believe we are
attracted to another person: They seem to embody what we most admire
and need. Yet in your relationship, as in every other, there will
inevitably be friction and opposition as well as attraction, and you
and your partner must accept a certain amount of compromise and
adjustment in order to function together as a couple. And on a
deeper level, there may be areas where you touch off highly
combustible unconscious issues within each other, stirring up
emotions and reactions which surprise you both. "But I didn't know
that about him," you may say later. Or perhaps you really did know,
but the glow of the initial intoxication obscured your own
instinctive knowledge.

1. A First Look

We shall look first at what has drawn you together. You may
recognise in the initial overview an attraction of temperaments which
you have met before in other relationships. This is because all of
us instinctively seek in another what we feel we are missing within
ourselves, and if one relationship fails to provide it then we will
continue to seek that sustenance from the next. But your bond with
your partner is unique, for you and Tom are the highly individual
human substances whose mysterious chemical interaction may ultimately
change you both.

All the World's a Stage

Because you possess a volatile, imaginative and romantic nature, you
are likely to feel instinctively at ease with your partner's own fine
imagination and emotional depth. Both of you would prefer to inhabit
a kind of fairy-tale realm where feelings, intuitions and inner
reality matter more than the demands of the mundane world; and both
of you, as Goethe once put it, prefer crisis to the insult of an
ordinary fate, and want a larger-than-life love which infuses your
lives with meaning and adventure. However, neither of you is very
good at coping with the limits and responsibilities of material
reality, and each of you may at times secretly wish your partner
would look after your practical needs and deal with all those
annoying and banal invasions which life persists in producing, while
you get on with the really creative business.

You and Tom share many of the same values and together possess an
unusual compatibility of outlook. You can also be a great stimulus
to each other's creativity, and help to make each other feel much
more alive and full of potential. But someone has to do the washing
up, and even if you are pretending to play the earthy role because
you feel you have to, you are likely to feel extremely resentful
about it if your partner does not acknowledge your efforts or fails
to provide the containment and stabilising influence you need. You
are not very adept at providing it either, not without a great deal
of inner conflict; and if the two of you want to avoid regular
quarrels about being taken for granted, you might do well to be true
to yourselves and make sure others are enlisted to deal with those
practical matters which neither of you really wants to be burdened
with.

2. Heart and Body

The most obvious way in which you and Tom affect each other is
through the activation of each other's emotions and desires.
Although such a mutual stirring of feelings and passions may not
always be comfortable or harmonious, nevertheless even through
conflict this activation of heart and body gives life, energy and
excitement to the attraction between you.

The Thrill of the Chase

There is a very intense sexual attraction between you and Tom, but it
is not altogether a harmonious one. Conflict and excitement seem to
go hand in hand with the two of you, and the archetypal themes of the
chase and the conquest are likely to be mixed with the pleasure of
making up after a quarrel. You are very drawn to your partner's
subtle and sensitive approach to getting what he wants, yet at the
same time you are likely to sometimes feel bullied and invaded, and
may experience considerable anger as well as strong desire. He, on
the other hand, sees you as the epitome of all he wants and desires,
and is especially attracted to your steady loyalty. But sometimes it
may seem as though he wants you to be someone else altogether, and
often the two of you get your signals crossed. Just when you are
wanting to be courted, Tom is busy doing something else, or he
pursues you in what you feel to be the wrong way at the right moment,
so that you become elusive and end up frustrating him. There is a
certain amount of pleasurable erotic game-playing in all this, and it
can be highly enjoyable for you both. But there may also be an edge
of cruelty in some of those games, and you may encounter real anger
in your partner if you play too coy. Equally, he may encounter a
real turn-off in you if he pushes you too far. The two of you may
need to do quite a lot of honest talking about your needs and desires
in order to avoid hurt and misunderstanding, and get the most out of
the powerful sexual spark between you.

A Mutual Admiration Society

You probably find your partner beautiful, and he feels and becomes
more attractive and desirable through the warmth of your
appreciation. There is a strong physical magnetism and natural
sexual compatibility between you, for in many ways Tom embodies your
ideal of good looks, style and taste - even if you had not formulated
such an ideal before. His realism, competence and self-containment
are very appealing to you, and draw out romantic as well as erotic
feelings from you. Your partner in turn blossoms because of your
loyal and practical way of expressing love, and the two of you have
an instinctive sense of how to please each other on every level.

A Conflict of Taste

You and your partner arouse strong feelings of sexual desire in each
other, and initially are likely to believe that you have found the
perfect romantic match. But there is an element of disharmony in
your attraction which, if you are not prepared to go your own way at
times, can lead to a deep sense of disappointment and disillusionment
in you both. It is your personal tastes and values which sometimes
do not accord, and which can cause each of you to (usually
mistakenly) feel unloved. Your partner may not always be
appreciative of your practical and realistic approach to love, while
you may find it difficult to respond to what you experience as his
detachment and lack of demonstrativeness. The two of you may also
disagree on matters of aesthetic taste, from the way you dress to the
colour you paint the bedroom walls. You may both sometimes feel
frustrated at the other's lack of understanding of what kind of
behaviour makes you feel happy and wanted, for you have very
different ways of expressing love. But if you and your partner can
avoid trying to change each other in the name of some perfect ideal,
the element of friction in your attraction to each other can in fact
deepen your tolerance and your appreciation of values other than your
own.

3. Mind and Spirit

You and Tom have a dynamic effect on each other not only because
emotions and passions are stirred, but also because the mind and
spirit in both of you are stimulated and expanded as well. Although
such intellectual, spiritual and creative stimulation of each other
may at times seriously challenge existing attitudes and beliefs, thus
causing you to quarrel or disagree, nevertheless the ultimate effect
you have on each other is one of increased understanding and vision,
and the development of talents and skills in each of you which may
have been ignored or undervalued in the past.

An Ongoing Birthday Party

The worldly and self-contained qualities of your partner's
personality have a way of making you genuinely like him. He inspires
great tolerance and generosity in you, and you are likely to want to
offer your best to him. There are elements of real respect and
admiration in your feeling about him, and even without any romantic
attraction, you would probably instinctively feel the basis for a
friendship. Tom also seems to trigger your feelings of hope and
faith in the future and in your own potentials, and your appreciation
of order and beauty is likely to be expanded and given form through
his company. The two of you also have the ability to laugh together,
for your partner brings out your sense of humour and is in turn a
receptive audience for it. Whatever emotional conflicts might arise
between you, the creative energy and enthusiasm which you generate in
each other can help you both cope with your problems from a more
positive and constructive viewpoint.

Postcards From the Edge

Simply through who you are on an ordinary everyday level, you stir a
feeling of almost electric fascination in Tom. Your adventurous
spirit and feeling for drama act as a powerful mental stimulus to
your partner, shaking him out of old and outworn attitudes and
opening up new ideas and possibilities. You in turn feel naturally
sympathetic and protective toward the trapped spirit within him,
sensing unlived potentials and a need for greater freedom which he
himself might not yet recognise. However, there is something in all
of us which resists change, and the exciting new attitudes and
potentials which you awaken in Tom may also arouse considerable
anxiety; and he may react by occasional abrupt and hurtful
withdrawals which disturb your sense of emotional security within the
relationship.

Both of you are liable to be infected by this feeling of anxiety and
imminent change, particularly your partner, who may unconsciously
fear chaos or disruption in his previously safe social world. Because
of the unpredictable emotional climate which is generated between
you, your attraction may undergo extreme fluctuations, and the
relationship may be punctuated by crises or separations initiated by
either or both of you. But one of the things which has brought you
together is a deep need in you both for change and the breaking of
old ties and attitudes, and if you can understand your partner's
anxiety and give him plenty of breathing space you can turn this
challenging dynamic into a highly inspiring and life-expanding
experience.

A Turbo-Charged Engine

You and Tom share an affinity both of sexual style and of the manner
in which you pursue your goals. Your energy tends to harmonise
rather than conflict, and it is likely that you will want similar
things at the same time, and set about getting them in similar ways.
This not only bodes well for your physical relationship, but also
makes it possible for you to pool your resources and aim for joint
working projects and creative goals as well; for you could work well
together, stimulating each other's ambitions and drive - as long as
each of you has an independent area of authority. Your instinctively
subtle way of pursuing your goals complements your partner's
intensity, and as a couple you could achieve pretty much what you
wanted, whether you are working toward personal security and
fulfilment or a more idealistic vision. The positive exchange of
energy between you not only vitalises both of you sexually, but also
activates the will and the competitive spirit in both of you. This
means that you may also sometimes find yourselves in combat over who
is going to run the show. But even when you are battling, there is
mutual understanding in it, and this "letting off steam" which may
occur from time to time does not alter the basic affinity between
you.

Riding the Roller Coaster

Part of the attraction between the two of you involves the electric
quality of instability and mental awakening which you bring into your
partner's life. Although this may at times be quite disturbing to
you both, it is nevertheless a powerful component in what draws you
together. There is something about your essential nature, with its
emotional complexities and hidden depths, which excites and
fascinates Tom, for you open up facets of life and of your partner's
personality of which he has probably previously had little
experience. You in turn are drawn to a quality of originality and
spirit of which he might not have been fully aware, but which
attracts you like a flower does a bee. But your partner may not
always welcome the stirring of this more unconventional side of his
nature, and the feeling of moving into an unknown world of ideas and
experiences may bring up powerful feelings of anxiety in him. This
anxiety is a natural human reaction to change, for it is likely that
you, willingly or unwillingly, will eventually be the catalyst for
major changes in his thinking, attitudes and interaction with others.
Tom may need to be aware of his tendency toward abrupt and compulsive
withdrawals because of his anxiety.

The unpredictable element which the two of you experience is rather
like a fluctuating electrical current, and it may lead to crises and
separations; for you are like a pair of magnets, sometimes attracting
and sometimes repelling. But if you and your partner can recognise
that perhaps this element is needed in both your lives, and that you
can help to free each other from many old attitudes and outworn
habits, you will both be able to manage the challenge you pose each
other with greater confidence and trust in yourselves.

4. Conflict and Challenge

In many respects, as the above analysis indicates, the ways in which
you and Tom affect each other are lively and positive. Even when
there is friction, it is likely to be stimulating rather than
oppressive. But there are deeper levels at work in every
relationship, and the unconscious exchange between two people may be
quite different from what is experienced on the conscious level. It
is as though one drama is being enacted openly between you in the
sitting room of the house, but an entirely different and more
disturbing one is taking place in the basement - and periodically
some sulphurous fumes may rise up the staircase to disturb the
activity above. The unconscious fears and defensive reactions which
you and your partner activate in each other may from time to time
rise to the surface of your life together, creating hurtful
difficulties which you may initially not understand. But if you are
willing to explore the motives and feelings at work beneath the
threshold of your everyday awareness, these conflicts can lead to
great insight, growth and compassion in both of you.

Emotional Roadblocks

You seem to have an instinctive empathy for your partner's
awkwardness in communicating his ideas and feelings, and this is
likely to arouse deeply protective feelings in you. You can sense
that Tom is shy and defensive in this sphere, even if he does not
recognise or admit it; and you try to respond with sensitivity and
tact when the "hot" issues are encountered. Your partner in turn
needs this feeling of protection and containment because it provides
a kind of healing for his earliest childhood wounds and deprivations.
He has had to struggle to develop strengths which can in turn give
you a quality of stability and structure, supporting your fluid
imagination and rather ungrounded approach to life. However, because
your partner is deeply touched and stirred by your response to him,
this is likely to activate some of the old childhood feelings of
anxiety, and the extreme vulnerability which this can invoke in him
can make him react at times with what seems like coldness, rejection
or hurtful criticism. You are highly sensitive to such defences,
because you are quite dependent on his support; and if you cannot
learn to stand alone at times and let things be, you may find
yourself becoming depressed, lonely and extremely sorry for yourself.

Thus, if you and Tom do not face and work with this complex dynamic,
you should not be surprised if there is a tendency for sulky
atmospheres and unspoken resentment to hover between you, often
without either of you realising quite why or how it has happened.
Yet you could turn this often difficult energy into an extremely
creative exchange, because the two of you need each other and could
provide each other with deep loyalty and strong emotional support.
But great honesty with yourselves and each other is required of both
of you, for the awkwardness and anxiety which Tom is likely to feel
around you, arising from his unspoken fears, may make him perversely
deny you the emotional reassurance you most need just at the time you
need it.

Fortified Castles

Issues of power and raw emotion are hidden beneath the surface of
your attraction to your partner, although it is unlikely that these
issues will arise in the early stages of the relationship. Initially
the two of you are likely to feel an intense pull toward each other
which has an almost "fated" feeling, as though you both somehow sense
the other will be instrumental in creating deep changes in your life.
Tom is drawn to a quality of emotional depth and intensity in you
which fascinates him, but the strength of the emotional and sexual
attraction which he experiences may trigger earlier experiences of
desire and disappointment which can make him increasingly defensive
and critical toward you as the relationship progresses. Because he
may fear being overpowered by you (which is really his fear of being
overpowered by his own feelings), he may find himself engaging in a
covert power battle to establish control over the relationship.

His anxieties around believing in himself and his potentials can make
him exaggerate your strength and force of personality because he has
a subjective feeling of being weaker. You are probably highly
sensitive to his fears, and have an almost uncanny intuitive ability
to smoke them out; and whatever defences he throws before him, they
cannot really protect him from a direct and powerful emotional
meeting. You have intense and possessive feelings for Tom, and may
yourself be alarmed by the strength and depth of them. Rather than
engaging in power battles which can only hurt you both, it would be
better if you could be more honest with each other about your
vulnerability and fear of being controlled; for in your attraction
there is such potential for deep compassion, insight and healing that
any effort is worth making to reap the rewards.

Vulnerable Feelings

You have a deep need for your partner's emotional containment and
nurturing, although you may not be able to express this need to him
with any ease. His qualities of generosity and desire to offer
encouragement draw a powerful response from you, for you feel healed
and nourished by them; but they also penetrate the defences of a
lifetime and make you aware of hurts and wounds which spring from the
earliest years of your life. Because of the extreme vulnerability
which you are likely to feel - even if it is unrecognised - you may
at times react to Tom with a highly disturbing mixture of anger and
coldness, especially if you experience the least sign of withdrawal
or disinterest from him. Abrupt withdrawal or wounding criticism are
not unlikely, and this may sometimes seem very difficult for your
partner to endure.

He is very sensitive to your painful shyness and sense of isolation
around your body and sense of competence in the world, even if you
are not conscious of this yourself; but because his own feelings are
so deeply involved, he may need to cultivate more detachment and
objective understanding, and indulge less in self-pity and unspoken
resentment when he has been hurt. There is a profound and
complicated dynamic at work between the two of you which could indeed
offer healing to you both, as well as increasing your partner's sense
of dependability and capacity for commitment. But a great deal of
consciousness and honesty will be needed, because the depth,
importance and transformative potential of this aspect of your
attraction cannot be realised in the midst of evasion, game-playing
or mutual blame.

CHAPTER III

THE ESSENCE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. Your Relationship as an Independent Entity

In alchemical symbolism, two substances combine to create a third,
new entity. The relationship which you and Tom create together is a
living thing, an independent entity in its own right. It has an
essential character or basic nature just as any living thing does,
and therefore its development process follows the integrity of its
own inner law - just as a tomato plant grows from a seed into itself
rather than an apple tree. This essential character might or might
not be what either you or your partner has in mind as an individual.
Probably it is a little of both. And neither you nor Tom may fully
perceive the real essence of your relationship until sufficient time
has passed for you to experience on the emotional as well as the
intellectual level what you have created between you. Also, this
mysterious entity has an outer personality which expresses itself in
the world in very distinct ways which are different from your own
personalities; and it may surprise you when friends or relatives or
colleagues describe how they see you as a couple because you are not
aware of the outer shape of the life-form you and your partner have
created together.

Your relationship is the product of the mysterious chemical
interaction that occurs between the two of you. Yet it is not wholly
under the control of either of you, and it is possible that, while
you can bring greater consciousness to the core issues expressed
within the relationship, you cannot ultimately turn it into exactly
what you want through any act of will. Once the ingredients for a
cake are chosen, mixed and baked, we must accept the nature of the
thing we have made. We can make certain alterations, like putting on
a delicious frosting, and we can try to ensure that we have our cake
at a time when we are hungry and will appreciate its taste. But we
cannot unbake the ingredients and demand that they combine
differently to get a different sort of cake. Once we create a
relationship, we must also accept and work with the thing we have
made; for it is the product of a combination of individuals,
alchemically mixed, cooked and brought to life.

A Relationship with Vision

The keynote of your relationship with Tom is mutual advancement, or,
put another way, the potential expansion of both your lives. There
might be some elements of a kind of opportunism in this quality of
expansiveness and the pursuit of greener pastures. But it is a
benign rather than a coldly calculating opportunism, borne out of
vision and an intuition of future potentials; and as the old saying
goes, it's as easy to fall for the conductor as the second violin.
The inherent quality of movement toward a bigger and better future is
a life-enhancing attribute of this relationship, and probably each of
you has something which the other can recognise, consciously or
unconsciously, as a great boon in the spheres of social, material and
professional advancement.

Because of your emotional vulnerability, your need for closeness and
security in your relationships, and your fear of being at the mercy
of life's more unpredictable face, you may sometimes find yourself
uneasy and mistrustful in this relationship. Its emphasis on the
promise of future potentials, and its highly imaginative, extraverted
and rather theatrical energy, may at times seem threatening to you
because you cannot put such dreams to an immediate test; and you may
doubt the authenticity of the bond because of the somewhat
unconventional and adventurous approach to love which it requires of
you. This relationship demands considerable movement and freedom
within it, and this may sometimes leave you feeling a little
isolated, insecure, and inclined to want greater definition of roles
and more concrete guarantees of stability from your partner. You
like to know exactly where you stand in most things, and the
relationship has a way of presenting you with a promising but
ambiguous vision of the future, rather than a watertight structure
which will keep you safe. Yet if you allow the relationship to work
its alchemy on you, you may find that you are better able to
appreciate the nontangible, imaginative dimensions of love, and can
find greater inner flexibility and freedom as well as increased trust
in yourself and in life.

Part of the power of this relationship is the feeling it is likely to
invoke in each of you that the other is somehow the key to a bigger,
better and happier future; and it is this sense of potentials and
possibilities which makes the partnership so expansive to your
individual talents and vision.

Others will probably be well aware of the originality and intensity
of your relationship, and you should not underestimate the impact you
have as a couple on the people around you. There is a peculiarly
transformative effect which this relationship may have on those close
to you, and you may find yourselves inadvertently bringing about
important changes in their lives - even if neither of you has done
anything to precipitate this. Sometimes the two of you may feel as
though, if you walk into a party, someone will inevitably have a
crisis within ten minutes. But the power and emotional depth the
relationship conveys to others reflects the unusual and complex
nature of your bond.

There is also a generous quality to the energy of the relationship -
an ambience of tolerance and optimism - which will also have an
effect on you both, making you eager to share your "bounty" with each
other; and given the chance, there is every likelihood that this
partnership will leave you both, whether together or apart, with far
more resources and benefits than either of you had before you met.
It may feel to you as though a kind of "good luck" graces the
relationship, although in reality it is an opening up of your
intuition and sense of what is possible which leads to benefits,
rather than any magical power at work. All the most positive
qualities of the relationship are likely to show themselves when you
and Tom travel together (mentally as well as physically), or when you
can plan projects and develop joint spheres of interest which have an
open-ended and expansive note. For this reason you and your partner
would get the best out of the relationship if you can develop a
lifestyle which allows room for the new and the adventurous, rather
than sealing yourselves into too conventional, structured and narrow
a routine.

The darker side of this extremely exciting and mutually expansive
energy is that, because the relationship invokes all your most
cherished dreams about a wonderful future in which you and your
partner can achieve anything together, you and Tom may overlook the
less glamorous issues of daily life, and the problems which might
arise between you from deeper, unconscious sources. The focus of
this relationship is on the future, not on the present or the past;
and its most natural avenues of expression are ones which take you
out into a bigger and more exciting material world, or up into a
broader and more inclusive spiritual perspective. The tone of
optimism which no doubt sparked both of you at the beginning of the
relationship, and which will always remain a component of it, is a
lovely thing to find between two people, for it can provide you both
with a sense of deep meaning and trust in life. But there is such a
thing as overoptimism. You may both find yourselves assuming that
future possibilities will mitigate the need to work hard, jointly and
individually, to reach your goals; and you may disregard the natural
human limits which every dream of the future sooner or later
encounters. The energy of this relationship may create a strange
collusion between the two of you, where you tell each other (and
yourselves) that everything will be alright at some distant,
unspecified point just around the corner while ignoring the immediate
problems and conflicts which must be solved in order to reach that
distant horizon.

The Mind Has No Limits

The expansive and quite visionary quality of your relationship with
Tom is likely to find its most natural expression through
intellectual channels, for there is also a powerful urge within the
relationship to communicate and share the world of ideas. Because of
the strong intellectual bias of this bond, it is important that you
and your partner make room for its energy - even if one or both of
you has in the past been uninterested in such mental pursuits, or
felt handicapped through insufficient education. Whatever barriers
or inner blocks you may have had before, this relationship offers an
opening up of the mind and spirit and a sense of boundless
possibilities which could inject a profound feeling of meaning into
both your lives. There are particular spheres where some conscious
effort on both your parts could provide the energy of the partnership
with highly productive channels. The imaginative and communicative
needs of the relationship need to be grounded through solid vehicles
such as the creation of a joint business, a school, or a professional
service of some kind which facilitates the communication skills and
education of others. Because the high-flying energies of this
partnership ultimately need to be earthed, you and your partner would
benefit from the challenge of making your ideas tangible and putting
them to the test in the marketplace.

Your relationship with Tom, although it needs to be anchored in
everyday life, is really made of the stuff of mind and spirit; and it
is through opening up these channels that you can make the most
creative use of the energies of the bond. Like everyone else the two
of you need times of closeness, contentment and emotional warmth; for
you are both human and, however grand the vision opening up before
you, it is the food of ordinary companionship which will sustain you
on your quest. But this relationship requires more. Of course you
and your partner could become so entranced by the upper levels of
life that you overlook these basic needs in your search for
excitement and mental stimulation. Nevertheless, at the heart of the
bond is a powerful quest toward understanding and meaning; and even
if neither of you has seen yourselves in this light in the past, the
partnership is sure to constellate it in you both.

There is No Such Thing As a Free Lunch

If you and Tom find yourselves falling into such overoptimism, you
run the risk of avoiding the confrontations and conflicts of the
present by looking only at the rosy prospects ahead. Then, when
presented with a serious dilemma - material or emotional - you and
your partner may become evasive, or utilise dubious escape routes in
order to delay the inevitable day of reckoning. There is something
about the energy of this relationship which brings out of you both a
tendency to want the easy life, even if you have been a more
realistic person in the past. Both of you may begin to formulate
fantasies of glamour, adventure, material wealth, intellectual or
spiritual advancement, or some other glorious dream which,
ordinarily, you would be more pragmatic and cautious about pursuing.
As they say in New York, there is no such thing as a free lunch. But
this relationship could make you and your partner forget such earthy
wisdom. Something happens when the two of you contemplate the future
together; it becomes bigger, brighter, and grander than anything you
have had in the past. The partnership's optimistic energy may bring
the gambling instinct out of both of you, which really means hoping
for maximum payoff with minimum effort. This can sometimes really
work, because of the humour, playfulness, enthusiasm and expanded
intuitive sense which the bond constellates in both of you. But it
can also go badly wrong at times, because unconscious conflicts and
mundane obstacles may rise up when you are unprepared for them,
shattering the dream in a very painful way.

One of the most creative aspects of the relationship is its very
genuine potential to enlarge your horizons, individually and as a
couple. You and your partner will undoubtedly grow through the
influence of the bond, and the tolerance and generosity which are
part of the relationship's energy will bring out the best aspects of
both your characters. Somehow each of you can manage to forgive the
other for things which, in anybody else, you might find intolerable.
Even if the relationship does not endure as a permanent bond, it is
probable that the two of you would always remain friends and wish
each other well. But it would be very helpful if you could both try
to balance the array of glowing future prospects with the building of
some real substance, which can only come out of honest confrontation
with each other over everyday emotional and material issues, and a
willingness to accept each other's innate limits. You may both also
need to examine the tendency within the relationship to cover over
personal problems with a surface gloss which makes others see you as
a kind of dream couple. The glamour which this relationship is
likely to carry around it like a cloak may seduce you both into
thinking that the image is the substance. But with some pragmatism
and patience, the two of you could have a real foundation upon which
to build your dream-castles; and some of them at least could then
become a reality.

2. Your Relationship and Yourself

The following sections describe the effect of this relationship on
yourself. While the previous sections of text always spoke to both
of you, you and your partner, the focus here will be on your side.

A Stirring of the Heart and the Passions

Your relationship with Tom is likely to activate particular aspects
of your personality very strongly, and this includes first of all a
stirring of your emotional and instinctual nature. The ways in which
your passions, your needs and feelings, your sexual responses and
your inner sense of self-worth and lovability are aroused - sometimes
happily, sometimes through conflict - all contribute most powerfully
to the transformative effect the relationship has on you.

Skeletons in the Cupboard

There is something about the emotional tone of this relationship
which triggers very complicated issues within you. Like most people,
you probably have areas of your personality where you carry feelings
of shyness or awkwardness from childhood; and you have no doubt
performed the very human exercise of protecting your vulnerability
over the years with a workable defence-system that keeps painful
feelings hidden - not only from others, but from yourself. The
emotional ambience of this partnership stirs all these old feelings
into life, however, and you are liable to sometimes feel very
defensive, inadequate and uncomfortable whenever you and your partner
become too close. It is as though the emotional requirements of the
relationship demand you to relinquish your defence-system, which is
not likely to meet with an enthusiastic response from you. If you do
not face your own internal issues honestly, you may block the flow of
feeling within the relationship, making it very difficult to achieve
any degree of real emotional intimacy, and isolating yourself in the
process. But if you are willing to explore the early issues which
have made you feel so defensive, and can share these with your
partner, you will find that great healing can be found in this
relationship, and a profound sense of containment, compassion and
understanding.

Love Hurts

The romantic and erotic dimensions of this relationship may well
bring you into confrontation with all that has been hurt within you
since early childhood. In this way your partnership with Tom has the
potential of helping you to heal many old wounds through the love and
affection generated between you. You may sometimes feel awkward and
threatened by the quality of affection and love which you experience
in the relationship, for you are probably accustomed to defending
yourself against too much closeness in certain ways. Sometimes it is
more painful to feel loved than to feel unloved, for this makes us
face our own unlovingness, as well as hurts from the past. But this
relationship has a way of gently dissolving those defences, and
touching very deep levels of your heart through the nature of the
warmth and companionship made possible by the bond. If you can avoid
defensive maneuvres because it leaves you feeling too vulnerable, you
will discover a great deal about yourself, as well as developing
greater compassion for your own humanness.

Someone to Lean On

You will probably feel contained, stable and emotionally nourished by
your bond with Tom, because the emotional ambience of the
relationship is in natural harmony with your own emotional needs.
You are likely to feel deeply "at home"; for even if you have not
paid too much attention to your needs in the past, you are being
subtly emotionally "fed", and can relax and be yourself in ways which
may have been impossible in other relationships. The mirroring of
your needs which the partnership provides will give you a sense of
happy and comfortable domesticity, and it is likely that you will
want to stabilise this relationship through living together and
perhaps starting a family. Even if there are battles and conflicts
on other levels of the relationship, your deep sense of contentment
and serenity within it can help to give you the emotional strength
necessary to cope with whatever difficulties might arise.

Life in a Country Cottage

You are likely to feel very secure and contained by this
relationship, especially by the way in which others see the two of
you as a couple. You need the partnership because it seems to offer
a safe and stable structure in the eyes of the world; and even if you
experience deeper emotional conflicts, the outer appearance and style
of the relationship touch your feelings deeply and are likely to make
you feel as though you have come home. This may of course make you
want to avoid any other relationship issues which need to be dealt
with. But nevertheless some very important security needs can be
satisfied by this bond; and if you are able to make sure these are
not used to conceal other, more uncomfortable dynamics which need to
be brought out into the open, you can rest contented on the solid
base which the relationship provides.

Deeper Levels are Activated Within You

However, your relationship with Tom also has a powerful effect on the
deeper and more unconscious levels of your psyche, constellating
profound and often permanent changes in your attitudes, your outlook
on life, and your understanding of yourself. Because of the more
complex effect this relationship has on you, it may not always invoke
pleasant responses; for no deep change can occur without conflict,
and you may not always like what you discover about yourself. But if
you are willing to accept the importance of this partnership, and its
potential to heal old wounds and make you more whole, you may be able
to tap hitherto unknown resources within yourself and find the most
creative ways of dealing with the process of transformation which the
relationship will very likely set in motion - with or without your
consent.

A Clouded Mirror

The image which this relationship projects to the world, and the
reactions others have to it, are likely to invoke deeply
uncomfortable feelings in you. This is because old childhood hurts
are being triggered, and you may experience an unusual sense of
awkwardness and vulnerability when you and your partner make any
entry onto the social or professional stage as a couple. The
relationship somehow has a way of penetrating your defences, not
because of anything you and Tom are doing to each other, but because
the form it takes when you are confronting the world together has a
tendency to arouse deep and old feelings of anxiety in you. You may
try to protect yourself by cultivating a manner which devalues the
relationship and hides your real feelings; or you may simply find
yourself avoiding situations where you feel so exposed. But if you
can be honest with yourself and can use the insight your
uncomfortable responses could offer in helping you to understand your
own complex inner world, you could find a great deal of healing in
areas of your personality which have been hidden from the light for a
long time.

Nowhere to Hide

An unpredictable and disruptive element in your relationship could
have a deeply disturbing effect on you, causing a lot of inexplicable
anxiety. Like most people, you probably have areas in your
personality where, due to childhood experiences, you have feelings of
hurt and inadequacy; and you have very likely covered over these
feelings with a workable defence-system that protects your
vulnerability not only from others but also from yourself. The
element of instability within the relationship is not in itself
excessive or unusual; but you are acutely sensitive to it, for it has
a way of shaking up your defence-system so that you feel exposed and
threatened with rejection or unexpected change. In consequence you
may try to control this unpredictability by controlling your partner;
or you may even try to escape its painful effects by escaping the
partnership itself. However, if you can look inward rather than
outward, and are willing to explore the deep-rooted anxiety which is
being triggered by the chemistry of the relationship, you may not
only understand yourself much better; you may also heal a few old
wounds and find new resources within yourself to allow you to cope
with life's inevitable changes with greater confidence and
flexibility.

3. Your Relationship and Your Partner

The following sections of text describe the effect of this
relationship on Tom.

Your Partner's Heart is Also Stirred

Your relationship also has a powerful effect on particular aspects of
your partner's passions, feelings and emotional needs; and this means
that he, like you, is liable to experience a definite enriching and
deepening of his heart and instinctual nature - even if this
sometimes occurs through conflict and upset.

Home Comforts

The loving and physically affectionate qualities of this relationship
have a powerfully positive effect on your partner's feelings,
offering him a sense of security, contentment and personal happiness.
He is likely to feel "at home" in this partnership, despite whatever
conflicts the two of you might experience; and his sense of
self-worth and belief in his own lovability are likely to be greatly
enhanced by the genuine warmth and validation he experiences through
the relationship. His need to be loved and to belong are strongly
activated, and it is likely that he will have both in this
partnership; and the deep contentment which he will probably feel is
one of the most positive offerings of the bond.

Learning Self-Sustenance

The limits and obstacles inherent in the relationship could have a
distressing effect on your partner's emotional tranquillity and sense
of security. This does not mean that the partnership is unusually
difficult or obstructive; but Tom has a particular vulnerability to
the challenges it represents, and may react at times by feeling
weary, hungry and lonely because his essential emotional needs are
somehow being frustrated - no matter how hard the two of you work to
shift the obstacles. Certainly he is being confronted with a
difficult lesson in self-sufficiency; for it is probable that there
will always be some inherent area of difficulty between the two of
you (as there is in any partnership), and that he will simply need to
be a little tougher and more able to nourish himself in those
situations where the relationship fails to satisfy all his needs.
But there is something potentially more creative at work here than a
simple dictate to pull his socks up and get on with it. He could
turn this apparently frustrating situation into a highly creative
one; for the relationship's challenges can help him to become more
realistic about life and love, more genuinely self-sufficient, and
more compassionate and tolerant in his response to others. It would
probably be a bad idea for him to indulge in self-pity and pathos in
order to get the security he needs from you; for it is the chemistry
of the relationship, rather than you, which seems to be thwarting
him. But if he is willing to accept greater emotional independence
within the partnership, and can find some of his emotional
nourishment through other, more individual channels, the
transformative effect of the relationship on his feelings and needs
could in fact bring much greater contentment and emotional maturity
to his life.

Learning Martial Arts

The dynamic side of this relationship has a way of stimulating your
partner's own energy and passion, both sexually and in terms of his
effectiveness and confidence in the pursuit of his goals in life.
His erotic feelings are likely to be strongly aroused, but his
impatience and competitive spirit will be as well - perhaps to a
degree which surprises him if he has been a relatively self-contained
and quiet personality in the past. If Tom encounters any frustration
or obstacle to getting what he wants, either from the relationship or
from life, he may find himself becoming very rash, impulsive and
insistent, and even quarrelsome. In general, this inflaming of your
partner's passions is a very positive experience, giving him a
tremendous sexual boost as well as firing his physical vitality and
his sense of potency in life. But it is all a little too
combustible, and he needs to be able to accept the odd bout of
fireworks. Also, this relationship cannot promise that he will get
everything he wants; it simply activates his desire-nature in a
powerful way, making him more aware of his own needs in a new and
exciting way. Consequently he may need to keep his wits about him,
enjoying the stimulation but retaining some objectivity and patience
at the same time.

An Activation of Your Partner's Creative Potentials

Your partner can also benefit from the relationship on a creative
level, for it is likely to activate his imagination and creative
abilities as well as his capacity to express himself in the world.

Chariots of Fire

Your partner's sense of potency and effectiveness in the world is
likely to be activated strongly by the inherent expansiveness and
energy of this relationship. Even if he has not been a very
goal-orientated person in the past, this partnership has a way of
making him more aware of what he wants, as well as making him want it
more passionately. There is a sense of future potentials within the
relationship which stimulates Tom to pursue all his own unlived
potential with greater courage and self-confidence than he might have
felt before. He may also discover a side of his personality with
which he might not have been too well-acquainted: a powerful will
which does not compromise readily, and a temper to match when that
will is thwarted. Your partner is likely to become an altogether
stronger, more honest and more direct person through the effect the
relationship has on him; and he may also feel that this bond brings
him luck in some way, because of his increased sense of self-esteem
and his enhanced feeling of being in charge of his own life.

Your Partner's Mind and Spirit Come Alive

The relationship also affects your partner's mental outlook and
world-view, just as it does your own; and because of the way in which
the partnership activates particular aspects of his mind and spirit,
he could experience a definite broadening of his mental horizons and
vision.

Learning to Laugh

This relationship could prove very inspiring to Tom, mentally and
spiritually, because of the quality of communication inherent in it.
His imagination and sense of future potentials are likely to be
activated by the mental rapport he experiences, and his horizons -
both mental and physical - are likely to broaden. His sense of
humour is also constellated, and even if deeper emotional
difficulties arise between the two of you, somehow this relationship
encourages your partner to see the funnier side of even the darkest
dilemmas. Even if he has inclined toward a more prosaic and
earthbound view of life in the past, this relationship has the power
to stir within him a powerful optimism about the future and an
increased faith in his own unlived potentials and possibilities.

Sober Thoughts

Something about the quality of communication in this relationship may
seem to block your partner's ability to express himself, for the
mental rapport between the two of you could trigger areas of his
personality where since childhood he has felt awkward and perhaps
somewhat inadequate. The effect of this triggering is that on some
level Tom may feel he is not sufficiently "clever" or articulate; and
any early difficulties with speech or education may be brought back
to his awareness in an uncomfortable way. He might try to defend
himself against these feelings of vulnerability by becoming critical
toward the relationship and rather rigid, dogmatic or intolerant in
his thinking; and this would result in his unconsciously blocking the
flow of communication within the relationship. Words are more likely
to wound him than they might have done in other relationships, and he
could also use them defensively as a weapon to cover his own anxiety.
But if your partner can confront these personal issues of shyness and
inadequacy more honestly, he could heal many old wounds, as well as
deepening his ideas and powers of thought and expression.

CHAPTER IV

DEEPER ISSUES ACTIVATED INSIDE

1. Basic Relationship Patterns within You

The transformative potential of your relationship with Tom may be
greater than you realise. Every important human bond activates many
levels of the personality, and some of these levels are unconscious
and unrecognised. All of us bring our own inner issues and
preconceptions into a relationship with another person. A
relationship involves not only the chemistry between the two
personalities, but also our unconscious images of what it is to be a
man or woman. These inner images are partly shaped by our
experiences of the first man and woman we meet in life - father and
mother. But perhaps more importantly, they also reflect profound
hidden truths about our own essential characters. The less aware we
are of these deeper aspects of ourselves, the more likely we are to
enact and project them blindly - and sometimes destructively - in our
relationships. The inner images of man and woman which we all carry
are really pictures of our own needs, expectations and potentials.
They may be coloured or even distorted by childhood experiences, but
fundamentally they belong to us as individuals. They have both
positive and negative features, and we have the freedom to express
both. Because people are by nature complex and multifaceted, we have
more than one of these inner pictures of masculine and feminine
within us. And each deep relationship we encounter in life could
activate a quite different aspect of our inner world, presenting us
with very different challenges and bringing very different responses
out of us.

The relationship which you and Tom have created, because it is an
independent living thing, will have an effect on the inner world of
both you and your partner, triggering unconscious images of masculine
and feminine in ways which you may not always be aware of. It is as
though the two of you are living with a third person who exercises a
subtle but powerful influence on how you feel and behave when you are
together. This is the real alchemical work of the relationship, for
both of you will be changed by the energies which have arisen between
you. Some of its effects might feel very positive, and others might
be extremely disturbing. Most human interaction involves a mixture
of both. It is likely that sooner or later this relationship will
stir up old childhood patterns and feelings, because the inner images
of masculine and feminine which you and Tom bring into the
relationship are coloured by the past. This gives you both a chance
to discover untapped potentials in yourselves, as well as facing and
healing hurts and wounds from early life. You and your partner could
respond to the activation of your inner world in a creative and
productive way, using what you learn about yourselves to make
important changes in your attitudes and manner of self-expression.
Or you could blame everyone and everything in sight for your
discomfort, and make a general mess out of things if you so choose.
You and your partner may not be able to unbake the cake you have
made. But you have a great deal of choice in terms of how you deal
with what this relationship activates within you.

A Worldly and Competent Spirit

Whatever you as a woman may consciously define as femininity, there
is an image within you of woman as builder and doer and, on the dark
side, as termagant. This figure is powerfully activated in you by
your relationship with Tom. In myth the image is best portrayed by
the mysterious Amazons - the warrior-women of the Black Sea coast
who fought their own battles and created an independent society with
its own laws and customs. The image of the Amazon is not really a
maternal figure, although in myth these warrior-women bore children
and raised them with devotion. Nor does this figure portray a
"masculine" or "asexual" woman - in myth the beautiful Amazon queen,
Penthesilea, is the lover of the Greek hero Theseus. The Amazon is
an ancient and archetypal image of the worldly capability and
strength inherent in the feminine principle. Whether you are
conscious of it or not, this impulse toward achievement in the
concrete world is part of the fabric of your inner nature. It is
possible, however, that during your childhood you witnessed a
frustration of this energy in your mother, who may have been denied a
career or professional standing, either through lack of opportunity
or personal insecurity. Because of this you may need to untangle
your own unconscious conflicts and insecurities around issues of
success and material achievement in your working life as well as in
your relationship with your partner.

It is probable that you perceived a great tenacity, determination and
sense of responsibility in your mother. You also possess these
qualities in abundance - even if you have not been able to express
them fully. The patience, realism and capacity for commitment
inherent in your inner image of woman equip you to work loyally and
hard toward any worldly goal you choose, and because of this you
would benefit from having a rewarding professional life independent
of your relationship with Tom. But your mother may have been
frustrated in her own worldly aspirations because of her very
powerful security needs and her dependence on collective approval.
This could have made her inadvertently critical of you and your own
abilities - not because she did not love you or wish the best for
you, but because she had to carry a burden of unconscious envy
arising from her own frustration. You have probably experienced a
certain amount of unconscious undermining of your confidence because
of this, and it might be helpful for you to explore those areas of
your life where you are frightened of taking risks or testing your
talents in the marketplace. If you do not fulfil your potentials, it
will not be because of lack of ability. It will be because you were
afraid to try.

Your inner image of woman offers you tremendous energy and fighting
spirit, and also a need for challenge and drama which cannot be fully
met through your relationship. This is not because there is
something "wrong" with the relationship, but because no person can
totally satisfy all another person's emotional and creative needs.
You need a stage on which to perform and a worthwhile cause to which
you can commit yourself. You have the vitality and inventiveness to
achieve a great deal in worldly terms. However, it is possible that
you perceived this same energetic fighting spirit thwarted and
blocked in your mother during your childhood. As a result you may
have had to contend with her unconscious envy and anger, expressed in
various covert ways. Although this in no way reflects "bad"
parenting or lack of love, nevertheless you have probably experienced
a certain amount of criticism or impossible expectations, and this
could have undermined your confidence in your own abilities. Because
you have a strong need to be recognised and appreciated through a
career of some kind, you would do well to aim high. But you may also
need to do some untangling of complicated threads involving
unconscious envy and competitiveness arising from your childhood.
And you may also need to view with a clear and objective eye the ways
in which your fear of being trapped and thwarted like your mother
could make it difficult for you to effectively balance your career
goals with the emotional requirements of your relationship.

The Challenge of Achievement

Your inner image of woman also reflects a highly competitive quality
which necessitates your finding the right challenges in your
professional life. Therefore it might be best if you pursue a goal
of being self-employed and independent of hierarchies and
organisations which could stifle or thwart your initiative and
creative imagination.

There is more than a touch of the actor in you, and you would
probably not be content to quietly pursue a financially remunerative
career which did not earn you any applause. Because you need to be
at the centre of the stage somewhere in your life, it is particularly
important that you find this leading role outside your relationship
with Tom. For if you suppress this need for recognition you may
become extremely jealous and resentful if your partner manages to get
the accolades which you secretly want so badly for yourself. Issues
of envy - yours toward others, and theirs toward you - are likely to
loom large in your working and personal life, and you may have
particular conflicts in terms of competition with other women. It is
possible that there was a great deal of unconscious envy and
competition between you and your mother, although this is not in any
way mutually exclusive with deep love. But you may unconsciously be
drawn back to this kind of situation in your dealings with your own
sex, both in your professional life and in your relationship with
Tom. What you need most of all is to compete and win in honourable
ways through achieving a unique and individual goal in the world,
with all the applause that comes with it. This would help to heal
whatever hurts you may have suffered in childhood, and would restore
and enhance your faith in yourself.

The dynamic and capable inner image of woman which forms such an
important part of your feminine nature urgently needs outlets in the
world, so that you can find the creative stimulation and challenge
you require to feel real and fulfilled. This is in no way mutually
exclusive with your ability to find contentment in your relationship
with Tom. Nor does it require any aggressive or militant social or
political stance. The inner image of the Amazon is not "anti" men or
"anti" the more traditional feminine attributes. Rather, it
contributes a positive and dynamic element to your nature, allowing
you to find great satisfaction through the pursuit of worldly goals
and the achievement of material and creative self-sufficiency. If
you feel thwarted in this, it is not because the rest of the world is
"sexist". More likely you are unconsciously carrying some very
negative expectations and assumptions because of what you saw in
childhood, and your own unconscious anger may make far more trouble
for you than any collective attitudes you encounter outside. You are
neither your mother's redeemer nor the vessel for her own anger and
frustration. If you are able to deal with these issues with insight,
compassion and realism, you will be able to achieve the highly
individual balance you need to enjoy the stability of your
relationship and at the same time the rewards of a fruitful working
life.

2. Basic Relationship Patterns within Your Partner

Tom also has within him images and patterns of response which are
activated by the relationship. Thus your partner is also receptive
to the transformative potential of the bond; and even if this
sometimes involves conflict and uncomfortable self-confrontation, he
could experience deep and positive changes as a result.

The Incarnation of the Spirit

Whatever your partner may consciously define as "masculine", there is
an image within him of man as eternal youth and free spirit, the
special and favoured child of the gods. His relationship with you
brings this image alive in a very powerful way. In mythology, it is
best portrayed by the trickster-god Hermes, who presided over the
traveller and the wanderer, and served as the messenger between
heaven and earth. Although this volatile and youthful image may not
accord with more "macho" or conventionally patriarchal images of
masculinity, it is an ancient and archetypal portrayal of one of the
faces of manhood; and it is part of the fabric of your partner's
inner world - whether he is aware of it or not. The most creative
face of this inner figure is his spirit of adventure, his clever,
inspired and endlessly fertile mind, and his ability to find life
perennially interesting and full of possibilities regardless of age
or circumstances.

There is also great elusiveness and mischief in your partner's
youthful inner image of manhood, and he probably carries a strong
sense, albeit unconscious, that he ought to be exempt from the moral
limits and material burdens of more ordinary folk. Because he feels
he is special, he may resent not only the obligations and
restrictions which any committed relationship incurs, but even basic
human rites of passage, such as ageing, or taking responsibility for
the consequences of his choices in life. Even if he is unaware of
such feelings, he has a tendency to keep trying to escape from the
dreariness of ordinary life through various means - the grand drama
of secret love-affairs, the excitement of travel, the glamour of
fame, the challenge of dangerous sports, or simply a fantasy-world of
his own creation in which the present (including this relationship)
is really provisional and "real life" always lies somewhere in the
future. The deeper issue underlying such escapist tendencies is in
fact a profound resentment at having to be mortal, for the mythic
Eternal Youth is the child of the gods. In fact Tom is special -
although this does not mean better than other people - because he
possesses a rich and fertile imagination, a generous heart and an
irrepressible spirit of fun and adventure. But a contributing factor
to his inability to find the best expression for this inner image may
also be that in childhood he saw his father trapped and resentful at
his own life passing by.

However, Tom has probably developed other strengths to balance this
high-flying spirit; and he may have even suppressed the eternal youth
from his awareness and his life because of the conflict with other
aspects of his character.

The Challenge of Mundane Reality

There is also a side of your partner's nature which is deeply
responsible and almost compulsively attached to material security and
collective acceptance. This may make him feel very guilty about his
craving for boundless horizons, because it seems somehow "selfish"
and "irresponsible". If he can find a way to balance this more sober
aspect of his masculine self with the bright and expansive spirit of
the eternal youth, he can honour and give form to his imaginative and
intuitive gifts while still enjoying the satisfaction of a more
settled life with you.

But it is likely that he is torn between these two poles of
commitment and freedom; and he may try to fight what he sees as the
more irresponsible elements within himself through an overly
developed sense of duty and material ambition - which springs,
ultimately, from his deep anxiety about losing his emotional, rather
than his financial, security. At bottom, to put it simply, he does
not appreciate himself enough, and this makes him far too sensitive
to what "They" think of him. The eternal youth may then be
restricted to whatever extracurricular activities he can pursue
without destroying the fabric of his material and social stability.
This is bound to lead to intense frustration and a feeling of being
trapped, thwarted and depressed. Probably he witnessed his father
also torn between the free spirit and the family man, and he is now
faced with the same archetypal dilemma from which this parent
suffered. He may find, too, that the mischievous side of the eternal
youth has a rather difficult time accepting any outside authority
which imposes rules; and even if he is attempting to encase himself
in solid worldly structures, some rebellious or recalcitrant streak
in him keeps kicking (perhaps unconsciously) against patriarchal
figures and institutions - whether these are employers, traffic
wardens, the tax man, a conservative government, the police, or any
other "father surrogate" which seems to be stifling his nascent
freedom and creativity. In his relationship with you, your partner
may find himself alternating between feeling restricted and feeling
so overly responsible that he restricts you. It may be that the
problem lies not in the relationship itself, but rather, in an inner
conflict, independent of anything you might be or do, which he can
begin to solve if he can learn to find his security through
self-respect and self-value rather than outer structures.

The spirit of the eternal youth within Tom, of which Hermes the lord
of travellers is such an apt image, is thus counterbalanced by a
stabler and potentially very positive containing quality which offers
him the strength, tenacity and patience to anchor his inspirations
through work or creative projects which are rewarding on material,
emotional and spiritual levels. Also, this polarity within him can
help him to achieve a rare blend in his relationship with you - joy
and excitement combined with loyalty and commitment. But it may be
important for him to accept the fact that the extremes of these two
aspects of his character will have to be compromised on some level if
he wishes to live them in some kind of harmony rather than in
constant internal warfare. Too much encasement in material
responsibilities is not good for him, even if it makes him feel more
emotionally secure, for he needs room to be spontaneous and fly; and
he would do well to work with you to create a relationship which
allows plenty of scope for adventure, freedom, joint creative
projects, and the possibility of change and development. Equally,
too much rootlessness is also not good for him, for he needs the
containment of some kind of stable domestic life.

The archetypal image of Hermes, eternal youth and lord of travellers
and wanderers, lies deep in the fabric of your partner's inner life,
and strongly colours the kind of man he is - both in his relationship
with you and in his dealings with the outer world. This is an
enormously creative spirit, which can infuse his life with vision,
enthusiasm and unquenchable hope - despite the fact that he may not
be altogether suited to the more restrictive aspects of traditional
family life. Although he needs a certain amount of responsibility
and structure to give this inner spirit shape and grounding, he also
needs to listen to it when it demands air to breathe. For if he can
provide channels - in the relationship, in his work and in his
leisure activities - which give that inner spirit plenty of scope to
dream and fly, Tom will find that it does not topple the stable
structures he has built. If he denies his own self, this
trickster-spirit will either bring the edifice down through your
partner's own unconscious actions, or make its frustration known
through depression and psychosomatic symptoms. If your partner does
not balance this inner spirit with a little worldly realism and
discipline, it will keep him living a provisional life with no
substance and no real productivity, forever chasing the "one day"
which never comes. But if he can contain the spirit of Hermes
without crushing it, he can have it all.

CHAPTER V

CONCLUSION

It has been suggested by various psychological investigators as well
as dramatists, poets and novelists over the ages, that without
relationship we would never become conscious of ourselves. It takes
another person to reflect back to us, as in a mirror, who we really
are, whether this is on the most superficial level of public image or
the most profound level of essential identity. Plato once wrote that
we see in the face of the beloved a glimpse of the god who presides
over our own soul; and it might also be added that we see a glimpse
of our personal devils there as well. No astrological chart, whether
interpreted through the skills of an individual astrologer or the
more limited capacities of a computer, can tell us whether we should
or should not be involved with a particular person; nor can it tell
us whether the relationship is "good" or "bad", or whether it will
endure. Ultimately, human choice, human creativity and human
compulsion always upset the most careful of psychological and
astrological predictions. But insight into why we are drawn to
another person, what we create with that person, and how we are
changed by it can give us tools for greater choice and creativity,
and fewer compulsions. If a relationship has depth and the power to
transform, it will inevitably, at some point, cause us pain -
especially the pain of leaving an old and outworn self behind. If we
are able to recognise that the only time we truly get to enjoy two
hearts beating as one is in the womb, then we can approach our
relationships with realism as well as idealism. The medieval
alchemists knew that the gold they sought was human gold, not metal;
and if we can rediscover some of that vision, then we are better
equipped to perform the great and mysterious alchemical work of
loving another individual.

APPENDIX

The Perspective of the Relationship Horoscope

In developing the Relationship Horoscope, Liz Greene began with her
professional experience of clients wishing to gain astrological
insight into their personal relationships. These clients most often
have been in a relationship for a period of time, perhaps one or two
years if not more, and the romantic and blissful beginnings have
moved into a deeper and more realistic interchange. The darker
aspects of both personalities have by this time been revealed, and
problems and conflicts have come to the surface - usually resulting
in a desire to understand more about the dynamics at work.
Both partners may not express the same interest in an astrological
analysis of their relationship. One may even be quite skeptical of
astrology. But very clearly, one partner is interested - and in this
case it is you. You might come alone for an astrological
consultation to discuss your relationship with Tom. The Relationship
Horoscope is written with this scenario in mind: It addresses you as
the one who has requested the analysis, and it refers to Tom as a
third party, as "your partner". Thus the Relationship Horoscope does
not speak to both partners, but to only one. The contents, however,
refer to both partners in a symmetrical fashion.

If you want to share your Relationship Horoscope with Tom, you might
suggest that he bears this in mind while reading, rethinking the text
accordingly. However, if this seems inappropriate for you and your
partner, you are free to order a second copy with the text reversed
so that it addresses Tom, referring to you in turn as "your partner".
To order a reverse Relationship Horoscope with the text addressed to
Tom, please write an e-mail to order@astro.com and note the order
code TPRE as well as the complete number of your present Relationship
Horoscope. You will find this number at the bottom of the title
window and at the bottom left of each page.
This second report is available at a dramatically reduced price (this
may depend on the country from which you order).

Astrological Technique

To create the Relationship Horoscope, three astrological charts are
examined - the natal chart of both partners and the composite chart
calculated according to the midpoint method. For the compilation of
the interpretation text, the following main astrological factors are
taken into account: cross- aspects between the two natal charts,
dominant themes in the composite chart, aspects between the composite
chart and the two natal charts, and certain themes in the two natal
charts which are triggered by either the partner's chart or the
composite chart.

Further Reading

The Relationship Horoscope touches upon many elements in both natal
charts, but particularly focusses on those relevant to relationship
patterns and themes. Having read the present horoscope, you or your
partner may be interested in a broader analysis of your own
personality beyond the relationship perspective. In this case we
would like to recommend the
PSYCHOLOGICAL HOROSCOPE
by Liz Greene (also available from us).

Recommended astrological reading referring to relationship themes:

"Astrology for Lovers" by Liz Greene: An amusing but profound view of
the zodiacal signs regarding their characteristic behaviour in
relationships.

"Relating" by Liz Greene: An insightful approach to relationships
which synthesises astrology and depth psychology.