Ever feel like you're so focused on taking care of everything and everyone that you don't even know who's running the show anymore — you or your to-do list?

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You've got a big, big life. You've got work plus family and friends. You've got an impressive to-do list and a nifty cell phone to help you keep everyone and everything on track. But here's the big question: Do you feel fulfilled? In other words, do you balance out obligatory chores and errands with enough good stuff so you come out energized at the end of the day? Or do you sometimes suspect that your life is leading you instead of you leading it?

That's the essential difference between being in a groove and being in a rut — and it's all too easy to fall into the latter these days, given our highly structured lives. For one thing, we're overextended: "Now more than ever, women have additional expectations of themselves. They're having children and taking care of homes and working, and the traditional concept of the weekend as a time to relax has disappeared — it's now often a time to get yet more done," says sociologist Geoffrey Godbey, professor emeritus of Leisure Studies at Pennsylvania State University and co-author of Time for Life — The Surprising Way Americans Use Their Time. "And then there's the influence of technology — cell phones, BlackBerrys, e-mail. It's not that 'busy' is the enemy," he notes. "What matters is whether your busy schedule includes things you enjoy." If you're obsessed with always using your time "productively" — returning every call the same day, going to every benefit dinner at your kid's school — you might not feel gratified. What might be missing, Godbey notes, are some of those satisfying, freer moments when you can let your brain wander down interesting byways, discover new passions...or just chill.

The tricky thing about this rut business is that you may be stuck in one without realizing it. Perhaps you keep everything chugging along, and all seems fine on paper. Yet inexplicably, you have a low-level case of the blahs. Figure out just how much of a rut — or groove — you're in, then check out the strategies on how to bust that rut, or make the groove you're in even groovier.

When you're in a groove, you know...

That a suddenly free block of time — even just 30 minutes — is an opportunity. "Having even the littlest taste of what you want to do feels incredibly refreshing," says Barbara Sher, author of Live the Life You Love. So if you're in groove mode and, for instance, you're into bird-watching, you don't tell yourself to sit tight until you have the time to drive to a nature center two hours away; you just grab your binoculars and head outside. If you're in a rut, however, you'll likely use that mini-block of free time to tackle some chores on your to-do list (which ultimately leaves you feeling more "blah" and uninspired). Or you draw a total blank on what you would really like to do and drift, by default, to something easy but unfulfilling, like goofing around on the computer.

Start a list — right this very second — of activities you enjoy so that you'll know exactly what to do when a chunk of precious free time falls into your lap. (And if you like to read, don't just write down "read"; collect names of some books you would absolutely love to dive into or secondhand bookstores you would like to visit.)

Wendy Marner, 42, of Cedar Rapids, IA, likes to do crafts, so she sets aside a little active workspace in her basement just for her; that way, she doesn't waste time packing and unpacking supplies. "It's the place where I let my creativity flow," she explains. "Whatever my imagination can dream up, I can bring to life on my table."

If you feel that you just have to toss in a load of laundry or check your e-mail or pull the chicken out of the freezer for tonight's dinner at some point during your free half-hour, at least do one fun thing first so that your joy doesn't get lost in the shuffle, Sher suggests. Once you see how totally delicious it feels to have those random moments of pure enjoyment, you'll want to grab them more often.

That envy can reveal your deepest desires. Do you covet or resent others' homes/careers/talents? Not likely if you're in a groove. After all, you're too busy enjoying your own pretty swell life. The next time you find that your green-eyed monster is starting to rear its ugly head, ponder whom you envy and why, so that you can weave some of what she has — and you want — into your life.

You might need to do a bit of soul-searching to figure out what, exactly, you're after. Sure, you like your neighbor's beautiful home — but c'mon now, do you really want to paint, scrub, and refinish furniture all weekend long the way she tirelessly does? Perhaps what you truly envy is her commitment, and maybe you want to offer that same kind of devotion to, say, those hobbies you ran out of time for a few years ago, such as watercolor painting or jewelry making or banging on that old set of drums. Imagine all the possibilities, and see which ones strike you as a 7 or above on a scale of 1 to 10, says Sher. Or just think about them and notice which ones make you break into a smile.

And while you're at it, why not have a chat with someone you envy? Ask her for tips on how she balances family, friends, her passion, and the rest of her great big life.

That having a to-do list the length of the Nile is no badge of honor. It's the end of the day, and your to-do list has only three quarters of its items crossed off. Quick: How do you feel about that fact?

If you feel ashamed and vow to push yourself that much harder next week, you're probably stuck in a rut, concludes psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, author of CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! "Women in a rut typically take on a lot of obligations," he explains. "They don't usually stop and ask themselves, Does this really matter to me?" And that's too bad, because slowing down and giving yourself fewer to-do's leaves more room in your brain for various new ideas to sprout — so you have more energy to think creatively about the rest of your life. (Oh, and by the way, you'll probably be more efficient at completing those mundane tasks if you spend some of your time having fun, Hallowell points out.)

The solution for all you to-do-list slaves? "Be a good boss to yourself," suggests Marner, the crafting enthusiast. "You can't enjoy life if it overwhelms you. If you're not getting to things on the bottom of your list, how important are they, really? I ask myself, Do I need to move them up on the list? If not, then I just let them go."

Another way to tame a to-do list: Prioritize it, advises organizational pro Marcia Ramsland, author of Simplify Your Life: Stop Running and Start Living! Label one section of your list "Urgent": This is for tasks you don't love doing but have to, such as paying bills that are due in two days. Label another section "Important" or "Personal"; include in it "things that will put balance back into your life or have meaning for you," says Ramsland, such as "Go for a walk with Jill" (an old friend you haven't seen in a year) or "Tell Liza I'm too booked up to help on her committee this time." Put these personal items at the top of your list and star them. Then be sure to do at least one of them a day. If you can't think of anything, leave some space on your list, draw a border around the space in your favorite color — and soon you'll come up with a fun to-do (or two, or 10) to fill it.

When you're in a groove, you know...

That getting out and meeting some new people is energizing — and even inspiring. Feeling isolated is a hallmark of being stuck, especially for women, says Hallowell. Ivonne Moreno, 38, an administrative assistant in El Paso, TX, recalls feeling that way when she was in her rut, and says that meeting new people helped her break free. She's definitely on to something: Talking to new people activates the pleasure center in your brain (just like eating a good piece of chocolate does), according to a study reported in the Journal of Personality and Psychology.

If you're having trouble getting yourself out there, start small: Compliment the lady from down the block on her pooch — you could end up chatting away and joining her for dog walks every now and then, just to catch up. Or, at the next kid's birthday party, strike up a conversation with someone who's outside your usual circle of parent-friends; the birthday girl's cousin's kooky mother with 40 silver bangles on her arms and a rose tattoo on her left ankle may turn out to do some really fascinating work as an "art therapist." Old pals count too, so consider inviting a couple of your friends to join you in a once-a-month Saturday-morning discussion on how to get out of ruts and lead more fulfilling lives. Or just ask one long-lost friend to go out with you for doughnuts and coffee; you can giggle over nothing more earth-shattering than whether jelly is better than powdered.

That everyday "have-to's" — like exercising and eating right — are tools for life, not burdens. Yes, yes, you know that you have to do these things, but they needn't feel like have-to's if you can manage to upgrade your attitude toward them. Stefanie Schmidt, 30, a marine biologist from Las Vegas, makes cooking more fun by concentrating on different spices and how they change her dishes. Moreno looks forward to hitting the kitchen most when she invites friends or extended family over to cook once a week. Same goes for exercising: Find ways to change it from a have-to to a want-to. (Cartwheels on the lawn with your kid, anyone? How about 10 toe-touches before a party to put some color in your cheeks?) It'll become an opportunity to make your life richer.

That going outside your usual comfort zone enriches you. The best way to feel alive — and brave — is to try some new things. Not that this always comes easily, of course. "At first, I was nervous going to night school," Moreno recalls. "It was very hard, a real challenge. But I do like going out there. I find that it really motivates you. And even if I'm sitting comfortably on my couch at home, I just say to myself, 'It's time for class. You are going to get up.'"

Now, no one's suggesting that you have to take a step as big as enrolling in night school — there are plenty of other great ways to broaden your horizons. Just tell yourself that for once you're going to be the first person to speak up at the book-group meeting. Or sign up for a Sunday-afternoon course on how to contact a spirit guide. Or decide that since writing a novel seems completely overwhelming, you're going to write...a really bad novel, says Sher. It will be fun (and a whole lot less pressure). Be sure to tell a friend what you want to do; you're more likely to follow through with your plan if you have to be accountable to someone else later. Plus, she can give you pep talks.

That bum days come, and bum days go. Yes, it's true: Even women in a groove have periods where they feel overwhelmed, uninspired, and just plain exhausted. But they never let themselves fall into the trap of thinking that those times define them. They know full well that they've got all the right tools to get their groove back, time after time.

How she got into her groove: "I learned to let go." —Wendy Marner, 42, Cedar Rapids, IA, stay-at-home mom and crafter
"A couple years ago, my oldest son was diagnosed with ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder]. Someone with ADD gets distracted if he has too many options, so we cleaned out his room, and — voil! — we saw instant improvement. It made me realize that maybe we're all a little like that. So I minimized what was in the house and started saying no to some obligations. Suddenly life wasn't as cluttered, wasn't as overwhelming. I had 'me' time. I do floral arrangements now, and two other crafts. I say, try things out to see what it is that you really love to do. And learn to let go of other things."

How she got into her groove: "I said, 'Okay, I'm going to have some fun.'" —Maria Iriondo, 43, Key Biscayne, FL, journalist
"When I was home with my daughter when she was young, I used to get obsessed with little things. I would stay awake at night worrying about the roof when I really didn't need to, for instance. As soon as my daughter started school, I said, 'Okay, I need to get out more and do something fun.' I ended up getting a part-time job editing magazine articles, which I enjoyed, and now I write articles part-time. I also socialize more. I get out more in general. I take my daughter to play at the park instead of staying in the house. I've gotten interested in fashion again. I'll go shopping and catch myself saying, 'This is fun. Let me try this makeup.' You could call it silly, trying different hairstyles and makeup out a lot, but for me it's liberating to do that and have fun."

How she got into her groove: "I connected to others." —Ivonne Moreno, 38, El Paso, TX, administrative assistant
"One day somebody asked me to help at a garage sale to benefit elders in a nursing home. Doing that gave me a connection to my community that I realized I wanted. I take night courses in social work now, and when I get my degree, I'll do more for elders. The classes renew my soul. I've learned new ways to look at and connect with people — even people I know well. When I'm with my kids, for instance, I don't just fixate on how they're doing in school; now I really see them for everything they are. They've discovered a new side of me too, and they're proud of me for learning to help others. Before volunteering at that garage sale, I spent a lot of time feeling sad for myself. I don't do that anymore. Now I take my classes and I spend time with my extended family and friends every week. We get together and laugh. For a while, I'd lost my motivation to laugh. But it's come back."

How she got into her groove: "I focused on the good things." —Stefanie Schmidt, 30, Las Vegas, marine biologist
"I decided to be more positive about things. So I made a conscious effort to focus on all the good things in my life, like how I make a difference in children's lives by helping them learn something new with the marine-science programs that I teach, and how I have really good friends. And I consciously thought about how to make other, not-so-fun things in my life better. For instance, I realized that listening to music is an energy-booster for me. So one day when I was really dreading doing the housework, I put on some music, hoping that I would focus more on that than on sweeping the floors and scrubbing the bathroom, which I totally hate. Well, I started singing and dancing while I cleaned, and it was great. It made housework more of a de-stressor than a chore."

How she got into her groove: "I got a huge benefit from exercising." —Marisa Salvadore, 40, Cranston, RI, grant writer for after-school programs
"Joining a gym and finding somewhere to play tennis — places where they had babysitters if I needed them for my two young boys — made all the difference to me. I think part of me had started to slip away while I was trying to be ultra-mom. I got a huge benefit from exercising. I started to go to the gym several times a week, for about an hour each time. Getting those endorphins flowing really does create positive feelings. I did cardiotennis: You do it to music, it's social, you're meeting people. So many women are nurturers, always making sure everyone around them is fine; you have to find what will bring you a little extra joy and peace."