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Thursday, December 1, 2011

ARRGHH!!! MY FUCKING EYE!

So I was just hanging out with some of my friends, you know, just shootin' the shit. I was enjoying a cup of hot coffee and skeeter was trying out his new hackey sack, and the BAM! Skeeter accidentally kicks my hand sending a scalding drop of coffee RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING EYE! Holy shit it burns! Dear God save me from this agony and let death's arms embrace me! I DON'T DESERVE THIS PAIN! - Travis Whitten, Venice Beach, CA

I love to make models of famous monuments and buildings. It is so relaxing, and I can sit for hours in total focus just enjoying the detail of my work. I was making a scale replica of the Eiffel tower out of paperclips that was going to complete my set of Europe's best architectural achievements, and I was just using some wire clippers when HOLY FUCKING SHIT! A piece of paperclip IN MY GODDAMN PUPIL! Oh cruel fates, why have you condemned me to this horror! Bring me a gun so I CAN END THIS PAIN! - Sal Gordon, Pittsburgh, PA

I always make time to hike in the mountains and smell the wildflowers. The best way to enjoy their beauty is to lean down low and take a deep smell with your eyes closed. It really helps to build a strong memory of your hike. Once I was hiking through a pine forest when I came across a beautiful patch of wild roses. I stooped down for a whiff when my hayfever kicked in and I let out a powerful sneeze. SWEET JESUS! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY IRIS? What in the name of all that's holy did I ever do to DESERVE THIS! - Sarah Peoples, Lyons, CO

I have always taken personal grooming very seriously, and I greatly enjoy the simple pleasure of a close shave. My wife has known this for years, and this year for my birthday she got me a beautiful straight razor set in a fine mother of pearl handle. I was still getting used to the delicate process of scraping whiskers off my cheek when my wife abruptly opened the bathroom door and bumped my elbow... AAAAGGHHH!!! What have I done! MY GOD LOOK AT THE BLOOD! I am a permanently disfigured FREAK! Don't touch me! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! - Larry French, Cleveland, OH