ADHD Doesn't Cause Divorce, Denial Does

The impact of adult ADHD on marriages can be terrible for couples with one or more partners with ADHD. Research suggests that the marital “maladjustment” rate may be close to 60%. Statistics on the divorce rate for those with ADHD vary, seemingly depending upon the age of the respondents in the study. Studies with younger respondents don’t show statistical differences in divorce rates, while studies with older respondents show an almost doubled rate of divorce. Though not specifically addressed in the research, my work with couples would suggest that this may be due to the intractability of ADHD symptoms and to the fact that the vast majority of adults with ADHD are still undiagnosed. Lack of diagnosis means that couples go for years without knowing why all of the negative patterns encouraged by the ADHD symptoms are happening to them. Escalating anger, frustration and anxiety, as well as financial difficulties and growing trust issues can be depressingly difficult to deal with without the “label” of ADHD to understand how to fight back. Over time, couples with undiagnosed ADHD can simply lose hope and run out of ideas for how to improve their interactions.

This might make you think that ADHD causes divorce. Not so. Unmanaged and undiagnosed ADHD can be terrifically difficult to live with for both the person with the ADHD and for his or her spouse. But, happily, ADHD that is diagnosed is one of the most manageable mental health issues there is. To provide some perspective – as just one piece of the ADHD treatment “puzzle,” research suggests that about 70% or more of adults with ADHD can find significant relief from their symptoms by taking medication – about 50% of them can “normalize” their behaviors. And that’s just one part of the treatment process, which has many different, complementary and cumulatively effective options.

Learning (and implementing!) specific tactics that work for couples with ADHD

With these three steps couples can turn even a very dysfunctional relationship around. I’ve seen it happen many, many times.

Certainly, the diagnosis is critical. You have to know about the ADHD to start to treat it. But it is the second step – internalizing that ADHD symptoms and symptomatic behaviors are the starting point for many negative patterns between partners – that is actually the differentiator between rebuilding a relationship and not. Furthermore, non-ADHD partners must also internalize that they, too, play a huge role in the relationship dynamics initiated by (but certainly not ending with) ADHD symptomatic behaviors. They need to understand "the ADHD Effect."

This acceptance can be difficult for both partners. It’s easier for an ADHD partner to say “I’ve had ADHD all my life and done fine…my spouse’s anger and frustration is the problem. And anyway, now I’m taking medication…” It’s even easier for a non-ADHD partner who, after all, has not just acquired a mental health “label.” to point a finger at the ADHD partner and conclude “There’s something wrong with you, and you are the cause of all of our problems. Find me when you fix them.”

Couples who think this way are in mutual denial. Neither admits their own role in their dysfunction and blames their partner instead. Because of their denial, they will not make personal progress, and the relationship will not change for the better. (It may well change for the worse, though, as they will become more and more impatient with their partner’s stubborn refusal to take responsibility and change!) Denial, if it continues, is much more likely to destroy their relationship than the ADHD itself.

The ADHD partner needs to optimally treat the ADHD symptoms with physiological treatments such as medication and exercise, and then use the resulting improvements to change behavioral patterns. An example of the latter might be learning how to stay more organized or setting aside specific times and ways to lessen distraction and pay full attention to a spouse.

The non-ADHD partner typically needs to lessen their desire to control the events in the relationship (and the behaviors of the ADHD partner), work on healing anger and trust issues, and reintroduce patience and empathy into their dealing with their spouse, to name just a few things.

If either partner denies either the importance of ADHD, or the importance of non-ADHD responses to ADHD behaviors, the relationship will not mend. ADHD may be manageable, but it doesn’t get "cured." To keep it under control takes constant vigilence. Couples have to have a set of robust responses and interactions in their back pockets in order to be able to live happily with ADHD, rather than have it overwhelm their interactions. If the ADHD partner doesn’t improve symptomatic behaviors, then the impact of distraction, difficulty planning and executing tasks, poor memory and more will continue to plague the relationship and burden both partners. If the non-ADHD partner doesn’t manage his or her resentment, controlling behavior, anger and other responses, then no matter how much improvement the ADHD partner makes, the relationship will not recover. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship that is marred by chronic anger, controlling behavior or the disengagement of hopelessness

Truly, it is denial that causes divorce, not ADHD. So if you think that you or your partner might be one of the many adults who has undiagnosed ADHD go get an evaluation! Learning about ADHD, and then educating yourself about “the ADHD Effect” and what to do about it, is the start of changing your life for the better!

I with the assertion that denying that you have ADD/ADHD causes the problems. I'm married, and have ADHD. I was diagnosed many years ago. I've never denied it. My wife has not found a way to adjust to my diagnosis. We found out about my ADHD after we had our child. Our child was diagnosed at the age of 6 or 7. The doctor told us that the likely hood was that either my wife or I had it.. It turned out to be me..lol

I have Adult ADD ... as against ADHD which might suggest I am just
unaccountably active. I suspect a quick string of illnesses ( measles,
chickenpox, and mumps ) at a young age as having contributed....mostly because after they were done I lost the capability to walk uphill or run in a straight line, and as this returned to normal I regressed in other ways, How do I know it --- my memory just goes back a long way and is quite clear.

I have been with my wife since I was 19. I am 44 now. Learning I had
ADD ( with a rare degree of deficit in the area of Working Memory )
basically meant that my wife felt that it proved she had been correct
all this time. She was. All the ideas I had had that I had risen above
my inadequacies through hard work and care were blown out of the water.
Let me make this clear - I had always known that I couldn't compete
with most 6 year olds in some ways .... I didn't anticipate being
cured. I just thought I would work hard until I contributed enough
that I necessarily accrued a certain amount of grace, I have worked
hard - hideously hard.....used everything I had. My wife wouldn't
contest the hard work - although she tends to feel it was just a matter of time management.. Recently I mentioned how I never got better than very narrow passes after 10th Year high school ....she expressed surprise because she had assumed I always did very well. She is a super organized person. Very sharp. If she ever has an absent minded moment she immediately thinks "Omigod - am I sick?", She is a very capable executive several days a week as well as a very capable mother to our 2 children - both of which have been diagnosed as "on the spectrum".

She shouldn't have to put up with it. I agree. Absolutely no defence,
I am the weak link. Even weaker for having burned out almost
exactly at the point of diagnosis. I've been pushed through the
normal drugs - without meaningful result except for the problem of getting back off of them, I've gone to psychological counselling - wherein I was treated as if I just suffered from low self-esteem. I am now at too low an ebb. I not only don't have enough in the tank to make much more change, something in me is starting to refuse.

So my feeling is probably that whether or not I get a divorce -
( which I couldn't possibly consider for at least another 10 years
because I need to protect our kids ) is probably not the real problem.
I think it is whether, or not, I will destroy everything I was trying to
build. Will I be a street person at the end? I will totally understand
, if when reading this you think "this guy really feels sorry for himself",
or "He's making this up". Firstly, I am sorry for myself. My identity
was "dependable hardworking capable" - to me. I had worked for it...
suffered...sacrificed. Right now I am a wreck. No friends, no social
skills...two kids leaving no time for anything else. I think it is
stark. My teeth are ground down... my jaw always locked - willing
myself to concentrate. Secondly, it is no creation of a lurid
imagination to say that after a lifetime of having to force a slow
moving brain to stay on track - it's not doing what I say anymore.
I get to work late, I say I'll do better...but I don't. I need to work
after the kids are in bed at 21:00 or in the morning ( eg. at 04:00 till
when I need to get ready )....but I just can't do it. I used to think
"I just need some time to get my breath back" - but now I don't know.

I despise me. All of the stupid decisions I have made....will make. How I have brought nothing to the relationship but genetic flaws and inequity. I
watch my wife exercising such care, and patience.,,it's not fair.

I probably will get a divorce. If the kids can ever get to a point
where they can make it on their own, then I think my wife would
welcome it also. With no animosity towards her I think that
people can be too different. She said to me the other day she thought
she might also suffer from some sort of learning disability....she had
difficulties making friends for a while when she was young, and had
to work hard to become Dux of her year, as well as performing the duties of Head Girl. I share this with a sense of wonder - in spite of what you may think....

With her as my partner there is nowhere to hide, They will never fix me.
I will see myself as my weaknesses, as those around us do. She will have her life limited, and her stellar potential truncated.

Anyway - I submit this here because I suspect there might be space for the expression of an ADD male partner position as something more than just as a shadowy intransigent individual wreaking havok in the background. If the reader feels cynicism, I can dig it. It's normal.

I am the ADHD spouse, and I am a woman. I hear your feelings loud and clear. My husband isn't nearly as well adjusted/organized as your spouse--but none the less, aaaaallll the focus is on "my" behaviors and the way my adhd affects him. I know how it feels to think that your life is one giant "boneyard of mistakes; a cemetery of regret." Made that one up ages ago; so you know your not alone.

I understand the feelings of futility. Like you feel flawed from the factory, and you should just be scrapped and started over.
I don't know what to say to help you feel better, but--my guess is that you may be suffering from depression too. And, no wonder, right?! We have to work so much harder than everyone else just to do what comes easily to most other people. And, those other people, usually don't get it. It's a really lonely place to be.

I want to feel loved and accepted by my spouse, but instead, he judges me and thinks that ADHD is really just a trip on the train to excuse town.

On the other hand, your wife sounds pretty smart, and maybe she's a good person too? Give her some credit. Maybe let her in to your world a little bit more. Invite her in. Let her know how your feeling. Ask her how your behavior impacts her. She'll be freaking thrilled that you asked!

Believe me, if she's anything like my spouse--she'll be shocked, curious, and thrilled that you cared enough to ask.

I will say up front - I am not a doctor, so I ask the following questions as idea starters:
First, are you being treated for depression? I understand the struggles you are describing as I have seen them in others with ADHD...your words and how you describe them sound hopeless and depressed. Many with ADHD also suffer from depression, so I would suggest you consider this if you haven't already.

Second, as you describe your wife it seems as if she is okay with how things are - you don't say your wife is looking for a divorce, but rather that you will...but not until later. If she's okay with the status quo, sounds as if you should be, too. People bring many things to a relationship - if you are a good enough parent to stay in order to help your kids, then you are bringing something good to your relationship even if you are down on yourself. And I'm sure that your feelings about yourself as well as your skillset are hard on her...but she deserves to be part of the conversation about what are the best options for her and for the family, too. It would be tragic if she puts in a ton of effort and then, after many years, you leave in any event...

Third, have you explored executive function training? There are some well respected ADHD researchers who suggest that ADHD is all about executive function...and treat symptoms accordingly. Russ Barkley's book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD can give you a view into this approach.

Fourth, add "get enough sleep" to your list of treatments for ADHD. By staying up late and getting up early you are working against yourself - sleep deprivation makes symptoms MUCH MUCH worse. The amount of time spent on something at 2100 hours is very inefficient time, vs. getting enough sleep.

Fifth, have you considered a less stressful (or more accurately) better matched job? What could you do that would make it easier for you to stay interested more easily in your work?

Sixth - I want to issue you a challenge of sorts. Yes, you work hard and I say that's GREAT...but it sounds as if you have exhausted yourself. So ask the question what ELSE do you offer your relationship? Efficiency is one measure of success (and most people with ADHD are not as efficient as those without) but there are other things that are also very important in relationships that have nothing to do with efficiency. For example, warmth...love...caring...humor...being there when kids need you...researching for information about treatments and the like (i.e. gathering much needed info)...feeding the family...I know NOTHING at all about your life, but perhaps you need to be rethinking how it is you define yourself. So my challenge is that you do that with your therapist and see where you get...

Pardon my angry tone, but anyone telling someone with ADHD to just go to bed early and get up early sounds like she heard about ADHD for the first time yesterday. You know, we do have a problem with that. We can't clock out at 8PM, our brains aren't tired at that hour. You did know about that already (let's hope)?
I'm sure if this guy could find a less stressful job he could, but the economy means job-seekers take what will hire them.

Lastly, it really does not matter one bit how awesome anyone thinks they are if they'te unable to carry adult expectations. Being in an adult relationship is about being able to function as an adult. That's why we're in such dire straits. I'm just as bad as this guy, and no amount of feel-goid helps or changes anything.

"Get more sleep" has been on my to-do list for what, 30 years or longer? It drives my husband cuckoo. I can't shut my brain down for sleep between 9:00 and 10:00 very easily the way he does, and I often wake up for hours in the middle of the night or early in the morning. I struggle to get up to help him with our son in the morning, and I think this is the one thing that pisses him off more than anything.

I don't know what to do about it. He asks me how I ever kept a job. I laugh and say, "I've never kept a job!" Which, is technically not true, but...it's been really hard.

Wow, Just read this article. You so described my marriage to my first husband. What a struggle. I was relieved when my husband was diagnosed as I finally had a reason why. I felt I worked so hard to keep things together and couldn't make things work, didn't know what I was up against, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but if knew what I now know about ADHD it would have been more of a level playing field. I've taken responsibility for my part but he's still in denial, and it's sad. Both of our sons (almost 20 and 17) have ADHD and its a constant struggle to keep a balance for them. Thanks for this article. I will show my boys hoping to shed some light on why their father and I divorced and possibly to help them as they begin to navigate relationships themselves.

Response to "Wow, Just read this article. ". You all ( you, your husband, and your son's ) have my sympathies. Your story is desperately sad. Anything that destabilises a family is tragic, and knowing that your son's are both sad about your divorce, and - as a family - having to deal with the implications of their having ADD is isn't a pleasant prospect. It's certainly not what we hope for when contemplating a marriage.

I should say that I understand your husband's inclination to denial. ADD really leaves you with very little. His choices may be to say - "part of the way my brain works ruined my relationship, divided me from my boys, and makes the day-to-day really difficult for me particulalrly under pressure" - or he can say "My wife abandoned me and was selfish ( or somesuch )". If he talks to other people - they will normally flinch away about ADD - do the "I'm OK - you're OK thing". If you go to a group there is a very real chance you will come away feeling like a whinger, when you consider some of the horror stories. There is very little validation available for such a thing. It's not an intuitively easy condition. Anger is so much easier than no comfort at all. Really in modern life, there's no upside to it. It seems irrational - but part of the problem is in expecting objectivity from someone who hasn't been able to even rely upon their own judgement of reality. Take my situation: I have trouble keeping up with things right when I really need to. I race straight off the point in an argument, lose perspective. It seems outwardly like my being irrational - but it's me responding as best I can to faulty information, with less than normal cabability to take all the necessary points that I should be able to bring to bear into consideration. Sometimes I resolve not to speak, or to How would you fare if you were trying to work from footage from a camera that seems to break down at the most important times? Please don't think that by my expressing sympathy for your husband ( and obviously by extension myself ) that I am trying to drive some point home to you. This is, I'm sure old news for you. I provide it mostly for other readers who might gain from considering a new relationship - perhaps a bit more closely. When considering a marriage, and hence selection of a life partner, considering these things, very carefully, is really vitally important. I'm not saying - avoid anyone with ADD.....but consider your limits. There is no value, going in, of rose coloured glasses. Perfectly nice people, through no fault of their own, can be drive to, and beyond distraction, and feel that their lives are out of control.

For those that believe that they suffer ADD - I recommend:-

(1) Get a thorough diagnosis ( don't let people just use you as a meal ticket by immediately jumping to signing you up for a drug trial ). It could be something else. 5% is still only 1 in 20.

I believe we may be entering an age of wonders - but you still need a baseline - otherwise how would you - or
they - know if you are moving in the positive - as against the negative.

My wife likes the idea of "alternative therapies". I can't judge - because how do you judge impact on early
childhood development if your kid still has the same basic type of eczema after several months of popping pills and drinking things that smell like they came through a hedgehog - eg. of a treatment for eczema - without an adequate sample size, and a control group. If my son was cured sometime in the next year, for example - how could I say what cured him? I wouldn't let standard clinicians off easily
either. If no-one presents a "cure" - or can "prove" a lasting result - we have no real foundation to work from...might as well be rockin' the leeches.

(3) I believe that integrated approaches beyond this point are worthwhile. eg. ADHD Coaching and Psychological Couselling, as well as ( if you choose to ) a very carefully reasoned foray into the world of ADHD controlled prescription
pharmaceuticals. They all can play a part, but none can do everything.

I have been married to my wife for 4 years, but we have been together for 11 yrs. I have 3 step kids along with my biological daughter who live with me. I have lived and spent most of my time with her children raising them since her youngest was 3 and the oldest was 6. My daughter did not live with us during those years as I just got primary physical custody of her at the age of 16.

Throughout the years I have noticed that my wife was not normal when it came to certain situations. Normal meaning she was very forgetful, she never checks the mailbox, pays all her bills late, and is a procrastinator when it comes to everything! , and always waits until the last minute to do any an everything.

I also noticed as her kids were growing up that they seemed to no act normal either. Long story short I had them all take an assessment and at the age of 13yrs old her youngest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD, and my wife was diagnosed with ADD right after that, along with my daughter who was also diagnosed with ADHD, and the my wife's oldest daughter is bi-polar/ ADHD.

So I live in a household with 4 ADHD personalities and its driving me crazy! Me and my wife constantly argue as she swears we discuss certain things we never spoke about. The kids cant even keep up with there conversations and there's constant accusing of who did what, and who said what.

My wife's sister has ADHD, her brother has ADHD, and their father is bi-polar. My daughter mother is bi-polar and had ADHD also which is where my daughter gets it from. There is no history in my family of anyone ever having ADHD ever.

My wife accuses my daughter being the problem of trying to break up our marriage which I find funny being that she has only lived with us for one year and I have been complaining about all these issues for years! My issue with her daughter is that they are lazy and do not want to clean or listen to what is being told to them by me or her. They refuse to learn how to cook and take any responsibility for anything they do. I say to my wife that she is the root of their problem. Because she allows them to be this way they continue to be this way but of course she does not agree with me.

I work 8hr days come home, cook, clean, pay all the bills, and my wife just keeps finding ways to create more bills or spend money going to Wal-Mart daily! For what I have no idea!!!!!
Over the years I am at the stage where I have just given up completely because everyone wants me to believe that I'm the one that's crazy and doesn't understand. I don't want to have sex or anything because by the time I go to bed I'm so frustrated with all the drama going on in the house all I want to do is go to sleep and I don't want to be bothered at all. My wife thinks I should not take these situations that go on in the house so seriously and she looks at them as if its not that serious and why is bothering me so much. Obviously she is in denial of what's going on because this is normal for her and this is not normal behavior for me. I complain daily! Still no change in her or her kids and I am at my end. I suggest a marriage counselor but she sees no reason to go. So now I'm on this site looking for some answers or suggestions because honestly I'm ready to cut ties and just do my own thing.

I actually forgot to mention that me and my stepson are the only normal people in the whole house and he does share my pain and understands that something is definitely wrong here.

I have been married to a woman with ADHD for 33years. 2 yrs ago she left. You are not crazy and no one will ever understand what you have endured and dealt with. My wife left her psychiatrist, counselor and Primary doctor and has tried to bury the truthl. She even told me she was cured!
She stopped taking her Antidepressant and has an angry person since then. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THERE OR THE STRESS WILL KILL YOU! Almost did me in. Save yourself, Please! You can only be supportive if you get some distance and have a refuge. Good luck and God Speed! David

For someone like yourself - struggling with the implications of ADHD on all sides - I would love to be able to offer something inequivocal that you could pin hope to. But I am not sure I have that, and I am also not sure it's what you might be looking for. I wonder if in responding to myself instead of Melissa, maybe you long for a dialogue with your loved ones where the realities of the situation are understood - agreed upon, and the ground doesn't keep moving under your feet.

I offer these insights as a meagre response:-

(1)How did my wife come to the conclusion we should be together?

I asked my wife why she would choose to marry me? She said "You just seemed to really know who you were". Give with one hand...

It goes without saying that different things become more important at different times in life.

(2) Asking someone to think things all the way through "spontaneously" ( ie. Without specific coaching ) when they suffer badly from an Attention Deficit is akin to magical thinking. But we are all prone to it. "Rise and walk" says the healer in the movie, or "Don't go in there you fools - that house is haunted"....and for a moment disbelief is suspended.

A disorder imposes limitations. Looking out from within I can tell you - you won't understand. It defeats me on a daily basis. I, like all of those around me can't see my brain ... Comprehend it's weaknesses. I look in the mirror and I wonder "why doesn't should mean will, and shouldn't mean won't". "Why do I have to look down in a crowd to avoid obsessively mapping everyone's movement, and giving myself a headache". "Why don't I remember things at the right time?". And, of course "Why should the day-to-day have to involve so much embarrassment". It makes no sense to me. from what I read, it's basically because nature - on average - preserves what keeps us alive and enables us to pass on our genes - not what makes us happy. It's a niche thing. But, in the event that the world doesn't sink into an ice age in the next few years, then all I represent is the carrier of a genetic safeguard. A ticket that might not be redeemed for another 10,000 years.

(3) Calling a Spade a Failed Dump truck.

What are the pejorative expressions for people suffering from quadriplegia, kidney problems, blindness...? These deprecating phrases do exist... But they are not too commonly used ...why? If I said "I made this cake but David wouldn't have some because he has diabetes, so I said snap out of it - it's all in your head - he's a party pooper .... A sugar sissy!", normally it wouldn't get much of a response. But expressions like "a bit slow", "lazy", "lacking self discipline", "absent minded prophessor" are on constant rotation. This is because it really is "all in your head" ... Literally hidden behind your skull - and because it can't be seen or easily measured - people don't "really" believe - if at all. Soon it will be able to be easily measured....but what will that mean? ...

(4) "But don't You Want To Change?". Yes, I do. From the little acorn, the mighty oak. Hidden from the world I carry this oak tree. Every stupid thing I've done, everything I have been humiliated about, all of the disappointed looks, all of the invites that never arrived ... They are all there - being added to daily - and they are rationalised. After a while you build a fantasy about other people being a bit the same. You want to believe you are moving into the light. So I had to go back to the house twice this morning, because I had forgotten things, and I still forgot my work pass. I hardly even think about it now ... I was just a bit preoccupied. So I caution myself to keep my mouth shut before a meeting but somehow.... I know I have to do the dishes, and I intend to, but in the end I keep working until 2am, and the dishes don't get done. But when my wife tries to confront me I suspect is only willing to invest so much. "I made you a list - why didn't you look at it?". It's reasonable ...... Who could argue with that? I can't push back on much, but often I do anyway - just so I can believe for a moment that I am justified - that if someone were watching they might understand that there was merit in my madness. A knot of hurt and resentment exists between us - sometimes it's all I can see.

When I am feeling kaos on all sides, what I do is I go to a stationery store, and I buy a notepad and a few pens. They symbolise a fresh start for me. They are particularly meaningful to me because I take notes about everything at work. Mostly I need to - but sometimes I just need to see the fresh page...have the sense that I can hope for something....

In spite of it all - it's a two way street. Every direction is hard, unfortunately. It takes both of you to "improve" things. You are not wrong - it's just that ultimately it may not mean much... Unless you not only see a problem, but also feel you can invest in a solution.

Hello Simon,
I'm reading this in tears at nearly 1am because I feel exactly as you feel. EXACTLY.

My husband is a wonderful man who has been patient, hard working, and done nothing but try his best to help me. I have likely completely fucked up our marriage- unintentionally- I never aimed to hurt him, but I know and accept that my intentions don't make the outcome not my responsibility. I accept FULL responsibility for my actions. My husband did not deserve this.
He is punctual, responsible, never paid a bill late in his life. He is military and was gone an entire year. That year was hell. My oldest son nearly died and was hospitalized for almost 2 months. My grief and complete ostrich-like shut-down was only worsened by being alone. It wasn't his fault, the Army sends him where they want and I am an adult who must do hard things on my own every day. I know this was a key part in my spiral into ADHD induced hell, but I can't blame it entirely on that. I would procrastinate and forget important things daily, but at least 75% of the time, I'd find a way to fix things - usually by sleepless nights working furiously to repair whatever crisis I'd put myself into. I pull magnificent masterpieces out of my ass when I'm under the threat of a crisis. Done it my whole life. That was until I was under so many damn crises, I didn't Have enough magic to get out from under them. I literally drowned. The failure and stress only brought on a severe and paralyzingly depression which slaughtered any mental clarity and energy I did have.
Long story short, In just one year, I destroyed his perfect credit by forgetting to pay bills, falling into a deep depression and even eventually losing my job which made money issues WORSE. and I hid this from him thinking I'd be able to fix things on my own - determined not to make him bear any responsibility for my fuck ups-but it blew up in my face. I thought if I worked hard enough, saved money, just paid things a little late but would catch up next payday for sure... Never happened. Late fees, calls from bill collectors- even calls to my job! Stress, shame, guilt- Event after event has continued to cause financial strain and the shame and regret I feel is unbearable.
He has been the best man he could be to me and I continuously fail him. I was in an abusive marriage before and I thought if I was married to a loving man who treated me right, somehow I'd be the way I was supposed to be - just living a normal life like everyone else. I couldn't have been more wrong. I blamed my issues on getting punched in the face on a weekly basis. Who could possibly be in their right mind in that situation?
After leaving that toxic relationship finally found the courage to do things that were important to me like finish school... I graduated from college which was a HUGE deal for me and I even landed a good job in the medical field where I was kicking ass and I actually LIKED my job.. I Did not dare date or jump into anything for a long time and I felt I getting a new lease on life by doing the responsible thing and for finally loving myself enough and had the courage to leave the horrible marriage I had been trapped in.

I met my husband who is funny, kind, and actually very good looking. We had an instant connection and since the first night we met, we haven't been apart unless the Army took him elswhere. I fell head over heels for him and my feelings remain the same and have grown even stronger. At the time, I was delighted and foolishly thought my ADHD was finally getting under control. College, job, great guy, kids happy- life is okay! I still had my moments but I guess they weren't so bad during that time.
My husband does not deserve to have to put up with my broken promises, my constant disappointments, my genetic inheritance to somehow destroy anything good and innocent that loves me.
I curse myself for being this way even though I know it's a disorder and I can't help being born this way. Somehow, people think that there's an off switch- why would anyone CHOOSE to be this way? My whole life I've been told. I'm just lazy, stupid, and selfish to not be "normal". If I'd been born blind, would the same people tell me that "it's all in my head- you'd see if you just opened your eyes and LOOKED like everyone else! Try harder!"
If they only knew how hard I try. I try and try and try daily. There has not been a single day, even in the darkest despair of my depression, that I have not tried to figure out a way to fix something. I think about strategies and devise plans every fucking day just to go outside and function like a regular person as much as possible. Things that come without a thought in the form of common sense to the average Joe are foreign mysteries to me. Since these "simple tasks" require little to no thought, it is impossible for most to imagine how someone could really struggle with them- especially if the struggler is smart! The resentment and frustration we always seem to cause others is a pain in our hearts always. But if y'all think y'all are frustrated and resentful of the ADHD person in your life, you would be shocked to know that we feel even MORE frustration and resentment for ourselves than you do towards us.
I want nothing more than to be dependable, reliable, efficient, an equal partner he deserves. He is so angry and resentful now. He is still married to me, at least for now, but he has lost his happiness at my hands due to my mistakes. How have I made the man I love miserable when I only want to bring him happiness? I am not dumb. I have always been naturally gifted in school- well unless there were projects or long term commitments involved that is. I rarely did homework and usually blew off projects, unless they were interesting, but my test scores and other grades were high enough to still get by. In addition to the joys of ADHD, I also have dyslexia. I was ridiculed as a young child and it still hurts now at 35...It hurts at work when others make fun of me, it hurts to be alone and unacceptable just for being who you are. I feel like the entire world knows a secret I don't know and no one will tell me no matter what.
I have developed rituals to deal with the dyslexia and it works well, until I'm really tired and unable to focus - i have to hit the ground running and solve puzzles, translate "normal" words/ directions/ processes/ expectations into my own readable "Dyslexese" and then analyze and process that information that is presented in a way that I will not grasp when delivered the way it is delivered to the entire rest of the universe. After the processing, I THEN must quickly develop a strategy for me to accomplish the expectation and execute it with perfect precision and accuracy. How the fuck is that lazy, stupid, careless?!? This is the fuckery the ADHD tribe deals with every waking moment! Then, as icing on the cake, we can't fucking sleep. Our waking moments can last for an eternity. into a I logically recognize the impact of my flaws, I just can't seem to find the magic formula to fix my behaviors. I try relentlessly to actively be the best I can be, learn behavior modification techniques, try different methods to boost my memory and check my reminders. While I have discovered some that do work for me, I'm not usually consistent enough to implement them fully. My husband does not understand the agony of ADHD or the reasons why at times I simply CANT do the things that are so simple to him. He is tired of me trying to explain to him and believed I am making excuses. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. Just because I did not mean for any of this to happen and had every intention of fixing things immediately does not mean that I am absolved of fault. He thinks I don't care enough to "do the right thing" when I care so much I never stop reminding myself how I have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me by not managing my symptoms and the trust he once had may never be regained If I can't find a way to be a better wife. How do we change something that is genetically predetermined the same way we inherited ourhair color ? Medication improves my functions but it isn't a cure. I can focus at work for the most part, but how to control emotions or be an efficient adult mystify me and just make me feel like a complete failure. I can solve complex medical case studies at my job, I have figured out solutions to problems they've had for years by having the one thing I like about my ADHD- the ability to see patterns and relationships from a completely different perspective than linear thinkers and be relentless with finding solutions. How can I do that and not pay bills or remember the simplest things? I almost wish I was dumb so I couldn't see how much of a mind fuck it is to be smarter than my entire class when it comes to information - yet fail at the most basic life skills a child could do.
I wept at your post because your pain mirrors my own. I also weep to know there are others who feel this constant pain and self-loathing when we truly have so much love and compassion inside for others. It saddens me that for all the love I feel for my husband all that ends up resonating is the crash of my mistakes. I am so afraid it is almost too late and I will lose him forever.
I sincerely thank you for your post and I hope things are better for you. Thank you for the opportunity to put my fears and feelings in writing. I hope the act of opening the flood gates and purging them from my head give me enough room to figure out how to forgive myself and save my marriage. Wish me luck.
KRivera

My story is extreme. After searching going to highly recommended ADHD therapists and more, I finally concluded after 13 years and going from $2 million in assets to $2 million in debt that the denial was too much.

I walked away from everything I built. From the projects to an estate on 22 acres and debt she made me responsible for. And although debt is all that's left, her sense of entitlement continues astound and harm me.

Despite describing to therapists what I was going through, which match typical ADHD symptoms, one therapist said I can't help you because I can't tell who is telling the truth. She played on the female victimization by accusing me of typical male things like cheating, control, etc.

I joined support groups on Marriage and ADHD, studied books and more.

My greatest concern is the need for better education for those who claim to be ADHD therapists.

When I experience things,it's usually to benefit others. If I decide to sue the therapists, it will be to promote awareness to clinical organizations, courts, and families.

My story is a bit extreme. I tend to be very committed in relationships and a problem solver. However, it took years to figure out why thing would not change in my marriage and why there was,so much effort and manipulation to remain the same.

I exhausted every means necessary to save my marriage. However, after searching going to five different therapist in the Washington, D.C. Area, who claimed to specialize in ADHD, who when faced with the actual reality of ADHD destruction, revert to traditional family counseling.

Despite describing to the therapists what I was going through, which I later learned matched and was much more extreme than the typical ADHD symptoms, found on this site and others. One therapist said "I can't help you because I can't tell who is telling the truth". They were all female and false accusations of typical male cheating, control, etc. easily played into female victimization and caused them to lose their objectivity.

I finally concluded after 13 years and going from $2 million in assets to $2 million in debt that the denial was too much.

I walked away from everything I built. From the projects to an estate on 22 acres and debt she made me responsible for. And although debt is all that's left, her sense of entitlement continues astound and harm me.

The ability to hyperfocus on the belief that she is due something because she was in a marriage is real, despite the fact there is nothing more to be gained but debt. Student debt for her kids and other debt that I took on, which could have been prevented.

I joined support groups on Marriage and ADHD, studied books and more.

My greatest concern is the need for better education for those who claim to be ADHD therapists. Had they maintained their training, I may have salvaged some of my life and perhaps she could have gotten help.

But all is not lost, because whenever I experience things like this, it may be a sacrifice to me, but a benefit to society and others. If I decide to sue the therapists, it will be to promote awareness to clinical organizations, courts, and families.

For what it's worth I feel can understand your frustration -
although the degree to which our situations are similar
is anyone's guess.

My wife pushed me through years of psychnological and
psychiatric interventions, and it all ultimately came to naught.
My feeling is that ultimately I am not - for whatever reason -
a good match for standard therapies. In saying that everything
teaches you something - even the incredibly subtle impressions
made by prescription psychoactive substances. But for me the
donsides were too great to be worth continuing.

It is - I suppose - a numbers game. We are all
more or less flawed or lacking - depending upon how you look at it. The idea of being repaired now seems non-feasible to me, so
I have shelved the topic. It was just a time waster for me. To
each his own - but after kicking the various medications I
just wanted to live life and it's still carrying me along. My ego
is an issue - so I try to keep some time aside for myself -
even if just an hour or so each day - to do something that I can
feel good about. I can't hope for better, but it feels OK. I don't talk to people about the condition anymore - because it is just a poisoned chalice, and it makes me feel like I am stuck in a revolving door.

My ADD, combined with poor health, has caused a lot of problems in my marriage, and even though I am doing better, now that my husband understands ADD he wants a divorce. He refuses to go for counselling or do anything else to try to make our marriage work, because to him my ADD is a deal-breaker! He did know about it before we got married, but not what it really meant. We have a four year old child. What can I do? I'm completely heartbroken and feel so totally helpless in this situation.

I am so sorry that you are having this experience. There are actually a lot of things that the two of you can do. I would suggest that the two of you consider registering for my 8 week couples seminar, given by phone. In that seminar I outline the many things that the two of you need to know to improve your relationship - it has helped many, many couples...and there is no other resource out there like it. You can find information about it at my website at adhdmarriage.

There are some people who specialize in the issues that face women with ADHD. For more information you might read the work of Sari Solden or Kathleen Nadeau.

Sadly, men are more likely to cut and run when they find out they have a spouse with ADHD than women are. I hope that for the sake of your child, your husband realizes it is worth investing more effort in better understanding what is going on in your relationship. You will, after all, always have a relationship together - it is in your mutual best interests to learn what you need to make that relationship the best it can possibly be - and, hopefully not only save your family, but learn to thrive together. I wish you the best of luck.

My husband has said he just doesn't believe anything will change anymore. I have said many times in the past, when he complained about things (me), that I wanted to change and would try my best, but I couldn't promise because as much as I wanted to, I had never succeeded before. That would make him angry, but how could I ppromise if I didn't know I could deliver? Now, because I am doing so much better health-wise, and also because I've learned so much more about ADD /ADHD just recently, I really feel certain that with his support I could change and was prepared to promise as much. I've also been seeing a psychologist, which I haven't done before. But, because I haven't succeeded in the past, he doesn't believe it will happen now or that marriage counselling of any kind would make a difference, and won't give me a chance.

Thank you very much for your article. I was wondering if you knew where I could find the original study whos data you quoted, specifically about the younger couples having a reduced divorce rate?

I would like to know whether those younger couples were married for less time than the older ones. If the older ones had kids and the younger ones didn't. Some other questions too.
I do believe that being diagnosed and having both partners understanding and accepting of ADHD can make all the difference in a relationship.

A good resource for a lot of details about the research on ADHD - both marriage stats and others - is the book ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says by Barkley, Murphy and Fischer. In addition, if you want the specific page references for the studies on marriage you can look in my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage in the first chapter on why ADHD in relationships is important.

I'm wondering if the poorer success rate amongst older couples has something to do with people being more set in their ways and less willing to put in the work it might take. In my case, we were both in our forties when we married it was my second marriage and I already had children, but my husband had never been married before and had only one longish relationship (two years) as an adult.

It's possible that being more set in one's ways might be a contributing factor. As is the case with much research, the numbers quantify the issue, but don't explain why. I see many couples who have been married a long time and so struggle with that...but I also can imagine your own scenario, as well.

As a note, while mental flexibility decreases as time goes on (physiologically) I have encountered many older couples who are genuinely interested in doing the work. Like couples of all ages, some are successful, and others not.