The 9 Most Batshit Crazy Conspiracy Theories In Pop

“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you,” sang Kurt Cobain (borrowing from Joseph Heller’s inspired Catch 22). Things are not always what they seem. For instance, if you woke up this morning and cleaned your teeth with fluoride toothpaste, then you do realise you’re calcifying your pineal gland, don’t you? And what is that stuff anyway, nuclear waste? Ectoplasm? Throw it in the bin this second, and wrap some tin foil around the TV while you’re at it. Once your third eye is decalcified then you’ll be able to see through walls, but keep it to yourself, unless you want the FBI showing an interest in you.

The mystery of the disappeared Malaysian flight MH370 was everywhere in 2014, and while investigators may not have wanted it, they got help in the unlikely shape of Courtney Love. Taking to Twitter, she admitted humbly: “I’m no expert, but this does look like a plane and an oil slick”. The Hole singer added some squiggles to a snap from Tomnod, the map searching website used by hundreds of thousands of people to search for the plane.

If any of this is making sense then this is the blog for you. Here are 9 of the weirder and more outlandish theories tethered to the insane planet we call pop.

Jay Z Is In The Illuminati
Sean Carter – aka Jay Z – set the loons chattering on the Twittersphere when he thanked God at the Grammys back in January. As a key member of the Illuminati pulling strings from his Roc-A-Fella offices where he’s instigating a New World Order by controlling the mind of his “friend” President Obama, it was a surprise when he thanked the original ‘Hova’; Illuminati members usually worship Satan, so this seemed a little inconsistent with what we know. “I would like to thank God,” he said as he picked up the award for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration for ‘Holy Grail’ featuring Justin Timberlake. “Well I mean a little bit,” he continued, pointing to his wife Beyoncé, “for conspiring to put that beautiful young lady in my life.” Ahhh! ‘Conspiring’ huh? Obviously when he said ‘God’ he meant ‘Satan’, like when rappers say ‘sick’ when they actually mean ‘really healthy’ or something. A rap double bluff and no mistaking.

Beyoncé Is Also In The Illuminati, and So Is Rihanna
Bey can’t help herself from making the beast sign or throwing isosceles shapes with her arms when she’s dancing. And these, apparently, are irrefutable indications that – should you be married to Jay Z – prove you’re a member of the Illuminati. Rihanna is in them too, and she’s not even married to Jay Z. Or is she? Pop around to a dinner party at Rihanna’s and don’t be surprised if the hors d’oeuvres are Dairylea cheese triangles, that’s all I’m saying.

Whitney Houston Was Murdered By The Illuminati
We really need to stop talking about the Illuminati quite soon and giving oxygen to this nonsense, but type the word into a search engine and soon you will be screaming as you slip further and further into the vortex of utter shite. Mere days after her death, rumours circulated on the internet that Whitney Houston had been sacrificed to make way for Jay Z and Beyoncé’s child Blue Ivy. Blue Ivy is an anagram of Eulb Yvi, which apparently means ‘devil’s spawn’, though in what language and according to who nobody is sure. Obviously.

Paul Is Dead
In the modern age, false rumours spread on Twitter all the time about people being dead when they’re just having a cup of tea. Rumours of Paul McCartney’s death (in a 1967 car crash) were greatly exaggerated, and persisted in some quarters with the sort of people who refute the moon landings. An article in an Iowan student newspaper in 1969 asked if the Beatles singer had been replaced by an automaton Macca with a really dope artificial intelligence bass fingering microchip in his noggin. There are clues aplenty, apparently, including the fact Paul isn’t wearing shoes on the cover of ‘Abbey Road’, meaning he’s a corpse. A walking corpse, but a corpse nonetheless. An interview McCartney did with Life magazine in November 1969 helped stymie the rumours – but, naturally, there were those who said ‘Well he would say that, wouldn’t he!?!’

John Lennon: A Conspiracy Nutter’s Dream
Nobody attracted conspiracy theories more than John Lennon when he was alive, and the brutal and frightening nature of his death sent a myriad of cracked ideas into the ether and naturally all over the internet. Theories abound that his murderer Mark Chapman was actually an assassin working for the CIA, or brainwashed by the FBI in order to knock the ex-Beatle off. The fact the FBI did actually have a file on him in the early 70’s as part of President Richard Nixon’s secret plans to deport the singer doesn’t do much to quash such speculation. The Beatles embracing LSD was also said to be an experiment implemented by the CIA, MI6 and the Tavistock Institute. There’s even a theory that Lennon was brainwashed by his dentist at the behest of Yoko Ono so that he would return to her, which he did in 1975. Believe what you will, and you probably do.

Robbie Williams Visited By Aliens
The ‘Candy’ hitmaker from Stoke-on-Trent admitted in 2008 that he had been visited by an ethereal little man with giant eyes and a distant, almost imperceptible voice. No, not Mark Owen, but an alien! In fact, many aliens have visited the Robster over the years, and so fascinated by it all was he that he threatened to give up his pop career for ufology permanently. But he didn’t. That same year he headed deep into the Nevada desert with journalist Jon Ronson to go in search of little green men. Whether he got probed is unlikely, though an injection into his lifeless pop career came from somewhere, with Rob sat back on top of the world.

Danny Baker Killed Bob Marley
It’s more of an urban myth this one, but it does stray into the area of conspiracy. That’s right, much-loved DJ, broadcaster and ex-NME journalist Danny Baker was held accountable for the death of reggae legend Bob Marley by many, thanks to an ugly rumour that circulated thanks to old prodnose himself. Perhaps we should allow Baker to explain. He told the Radio Times: “OK, so the rumour goes that while representing the New Musical Express football team against the Wailers one evening, I savagely tackled Bob Marley and mangled his big toe. So injured was Marley that he had to hobble off. Cut to several years later and Bob tragically dies of a cancer that doctors say originated from an old footballing injury. In his toe. Got it? No further questions, your witness. Except, and here’s a humiliating confession, I never did play football against Bob Marley and the Wailers.” Baker said the NME team ran rings around the likes of the Jam and Madness in 1979, but “you couldn’t get near Bob and the boys” when they pitched up in 1974… and Baker wasn’t playing anyway.

‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ Syncs With The Wizard of Oz
Whoever came up with the theory that, when played concurrently, Pink Floyd’s revered 1973 space prog epic syncs up perfectly with the 1939 movie starring Judy Garland had presumably far too much time on their hands, and far too many drugs in their system. Let’s debunk this once and for all. For starters, The Wizard Of Oz is 112 minutes long whereas ‘Dark Side…’ lasts 43 minutes, which means you’d have to play it roughly two and a half times round, which just doesn’t tally with the exactitude of the theory. Plus drummer Nick Mason said it was written to sync with The Sound of Music.

Kris Kristofferson Is A Lizard, And So Is The Queen And James Bond
Being a country legend isn’t easy, especially if you’re trying to cover up the fact you’re actually a shape-shifting reptilian humanoid only here to take on human form and manipulate society by inhabiting the corridors of power. And what better way to cover up the fact you’re power mad than masquerade as a popular country singer instead of a politician? The cunning lizard fuck! When Kris sings ‘Make It Through the Night’, he’s not only manipulating your heartstrings, he’s also stealing your soul to eat later on down at the Babylonian Brotherhood. According to David Icke there are lots of people in authority who are lizards, including the Queen, Al Gore, and Bond actors Sean Connery, Roger Moore and George Lazenby, though Daniel Craig presumably isn’t just yet. Phew!