May 4, 2016

The State of the Backwords Address 2016

My fellow Americans and Facebook friends and street bro’s and fellow degenerates. I speak to you tonight on the state of this great nation.

On the economic front, I’m pleased to announce that the price of OE 40s has remained consistently at the $3.50 mark over the last quarter, give or take a little spare change due to inflation.

On the international front — “foreign affairs” for those of you keeping score at home. The world situation remains as dire and fucked up as ever. Crisis all across the globe (fortunately there’s OE to take the edge off — reference my first point).

On the sports front, we’re all worrying about the state of Stephon Curry’s ankles and knee.

On the feral cat front: They continue to breed like rats and remain deeply appreciative of the massive amounts of meat and cheese and tuna fish and cans of cat food and that crunchy dry stuff that I keep feeding them. In year 2016 they have been purring at 37% times the rate of previous administrations. And my approval ratings are off the charts.

In closing let me just mouth a dull platitude followed by a clever joke written by my speechwriters and a jibe at that asshole Trump. God bless America.