Monday, October 15, 2012

Dream a little dream with me . . . .

I am a closet dreamer. I dream in silence because I think most people would just think that I am crazy eventhough my dreams aren't anything that earth shattering.

I blame my dreaming on my “cusp” status.You see I am a Pisces/Aries blend.A water and a fire sign – could they be more opposite?Yes, yes they can.Pisces are dreamers and seem eternally optimistic, almost hippie-like.Aries are stubborn, independent and terribly
logical.Several years ago, I was on a
horse back ride through the mountains north of Albuquerque, New Mexico.Our trail guide was in her mid-50s, tanned
skin and blonde hair, lots of life experiences and a transplant from California.She said that she had lived a lot of places,
but fell in love with New Mexico.Anyway, we got to talking on our 3 hour trail ride.She discovered I was a blend of Pisces/Aries
and I said “yeah, makes me kinda weird/crazy”.She turned around in her saddle and said that she had several friends
who were Pisces/Aries blends and that "they were the most interesting people
that she knew."Yes, validation!Even a fortune teller in New Orleans was
confused by my vibes and read me as a Pisces.I want to believe that my personality is more Pisces, but I know that I
am definitely a Ram in so many ways.

﻿

Me in New Mexico

Not too long ago in therapy, my counselor thought that it
was really interesting that I go about my issues/problems/ideas in a very
logical, yet optimistic way.(She
doesn’t know that I am cusp.) I am not quick to make a decision, think about all the possible outcomes, but I am also undeterred when a decision does not go my way (see Aries – determined).I think that it is interesting that from
talking to her, she can peg me, but I hope so in a way since I am paying her to
listen to me.

Why am I talking about this?Well, for the past 5 years, I have struggled with the question
“what am I doing with my life?”I play
it safe, logical ie get a good job, make good money, buy a house and search for
the guy.But where is the passion in
this?Nowhere.It’s been gone for a long time and that’s
what makes my life hard.I know that
other people are facing way harder challenges and I should just be thankful and
accept my lot.But for me, going to
work everyday is hard.I have no purpose.I dream of all these awesome jobs I would
love, where I would love to live, but to uproot your life at 33 is viewed so
differently than if I was 24- some how
then it would have been acceptable. Now people think that I am just crazy.

So that leads me to this quote:

“I hope you live a life you
are proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to
start all over again.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

Or this one:

“I learned
this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the
direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined,
he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . . In proportion as
he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and
solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness
weakness." Henry D. Thoreau(I’ve
carried around a version of this since I was a Junior in High School.)

Or this one that I just found a few weeks ago, but
absolutely love – it’s kinda my mantra right now:

“It is never too
late to be what you might have been.”George Elliot (was actually a women – FYI)

These quotes give me hope.They make me believe that one day (hopefully
sooner rather than later), I can pack up the dogs and hit the road.Me and them on a new adventure, full of
happiness, sunshine, long hikes and optimism.Space to breath for me and especially for Zoey.I have promised Zoey since she was little
that I would buy her a farm (land) for her to run on, free from her social
anxiety and other phobias, but mostly the constant noise of the city.She’ll be 7 next April and she’s a large dog
(100lbs) so I feel the pressure to make her dream come true.Secretly, I have always wanted to live on a
farm (land) too – City people just aren’t supposed to admit that.

In this book I am reading by Amy
Spencer, one of her sections is "what would your 84 year old self do?"Imagine you get to talk with you but in 50
years – what would she say about your dreams, etc?I think mine would say “why dontcha stop being a pussy, put on
your big girl panties and do it already? Geesh, I can’t take you talking about
it anymore.”Would you want to disappoint
you in 50 years?Probably not J

In closing, my dream factory is
always working and now that I have transitioned into a new job that I like even
less than my previous one (I spent the whole first week googling jobs – uggh), I
have decided to push fear aside and make some big decisions about my life.I have less than 6 months until my birthday,
so I’m hoping to move full speed ahead or at least faster than I’m moving
now.