Re: Etiquette Questions

Originally Posted by Lois Lane;3021525;

OK, I've never been invited to multiple showers...what's this all about anyhow? What kind of showers are there other than a bridal shower? And why would there be more than one? Knowing me, I'd probably RSVP no to the other showers and just give a gift for the one shower I do attend.

The only time I've been invited to multiple showers for the same bride was when I was part of the bridal party, so the proper thing to do was to invite me to all of them and for me to attend. One was a church shower, and I brought a nominal gift (baking dish on the sale rack at TJ Maxx) even though the bride told me not to bring a gift to each shower) and took an active role in helping her out during the shower (getting her punch, taking down the names and gifts given for thank you notes, etc) The second shower was given by the maid of honor, and I gave her my "real" shower gift there.

Most of the brides I've known, if they were given multiple showers, had some say in the guests lists for each, and divided groups they knew to different showers so that people weren't invited multiple times. But obviously for family, bridal party, or other very close people (like the bride or groom's brother's girlfriend) it makes sense to me for them to be invited to each, with the bride making sure they know that bringing a gift to each is not necessary.

Re: Etiquette Questions

I have an odd question that I hope someone can help me with. My cousin has a stepson (A) that was born with only one arm (it is missing from the elbow down). A and my oldest are the same age (almost 13) and have became rather close in the last year so he spends a lot of time with our family. Oddly enough A and my youngest could easily pass for brothers so people assume he belongs to me all the time and naturally (or not) they ask questions - Was he born that way, Did you know before you gave birth that he wasn't "normal", How does he ....

Some of these questions I know the answers to because he has been a part of the family since he was 5 months old, others I don't but either way I don't feel that it is my place to answer (honestly it is prob best that I don't answer because I want to slap each and every person that implies he isn't "normal"). My husband thinks I should ask A what he would like me to say because he says that after dealing with it for all this time he has probably came up with the perfect respone by now but I'd feel funny doing that and I can't ask his mom because she is one of those people that you can never really get a read on (she just has a really funny turn and is imossible to get close to). I'd like to ask my aunt (A's grandmom) but I kinda feel like that would be going behind A and his moms back and I don't want to upset anyone.

Re: Etiquette Questions

Originally Posted by ncognitohere;3025027;

I have an odd question that I hope someone can help me with. My cousin has a stepson (A) that was born with only one arm (it is missing from the elbow down). A and my oldest are the same age (almost 13) and have became rather close in the last year so he spends a lot of time with our family. Oddly enough A and my youngest could easily pass for brothers so people assume he belongs to me all the time and naturally (or not) they ask questions - Was he born that way, Did you know before you gave birth that he wasn't "normal", How does he ....

Some of these questions I know the answers to because he has been a part of the family since he was 5 months old, others I don't but either way I don't feel that it is my place to answer (honestly it is prob best that I don't answer because I want to slap each and every person that implies he isn't "normal"). My husband thinks I should ask A what he would like me to say because he says that after dealing with it for all this time he has probably came up with the perfect respone by now but I'd feel funny doing that and I can't ask his mom because she is one of those people that you can never really get a read on (she just has a really funny turn and is imossible to get close to). I'd like to ask my aunt (A's grandmom) but I kinda feel like that would be going behind A and his moms back and I don't want to upset anyone.

So, does anyone have any experience or advice?

Based on your desire to slap the people who ignoratly imply that he's not normal, I am assuming that the questions you get are coming from relative strangers? If that is the case, I think I would come up with some sort of generic canned response that doesn't necessarily answer their question, but gives them a strong hint that it was rather rude to ask in the first place. Something along the lines of "Now why aren't you curious about my son too?" that would get across the point that there's really no reason to single your cousin's stepson out for curiosity. If the people asking are people you're running in to in public and not people who know you, then they're being very rude. Look at it this way -- you could be helping them by pointing it out in a friendly way so that they don't come across as that inconsiderate the next time!

Re: Etiquette Questions

I don't think that everyone who asks a rude question has that intention when they ask. Some certainly do, but others are just curious and ask without thinking about how it may come across. That said, I know it can be annoying to be asked questions over and over again. I think I would just say something like, "I think my nephew is extraordinary and can't imagine how he could possibly be any more perfect." That gets across the point that he is not your son, so therefore you wouldn't be privy to any issues about knowing about his arm prior to birth. It also lets them know that you don't view your nephew as having a disability or a handicap. And most importantly, if he hears this conversation, he will hear you being very pleasant about something that may have caused him some grief in the past.

AND, if the people asking aren't trying to be rude and were just curious, it leaves the opportunity for them to politely mention that they, too, have a child/relative who might be missing part of their arm etc.

You sound like a great aunt and he sounds like a great kid! Good luck!

Re: Etiquette Questions

I'd have a really hard time not telling them off or saying something a long the lines "I don't see how this is any of your *insert cuss word* business" but I'm not exactly known for being calm, cool, and collected either.

Lois Lane gave some excellent advice, I really like her response because it lets them know he's not your child and also very subtly puts them in their place for even asking such a rude question in the first place.

Discuss it with the parents to see how they handle situations like that. I'm thinking about your nephew and if it affects his self-esteem when people are so rude and what do they do to reassure him.

Re: Etiquette Questions

I really like Lois's suggested response too!

Lois, I agree completely that most people don't intend to be rude when they ask such questions. As you said, they don't realize how the question comes across. But the not realizing makes it rude -- whether its intentional or not.

Re: Etiquette Questions

People can be idiots. I have 2 daughters and a son. My second daughter was 5 when my son was born and I can't count the number of times people said IN FRONT OF HER, "Oh, you finally got a boy." The response I came up with that shut them up and made her feel good was, "I wouldn't trade my girls for a million boys." I like Lois's response because it will make the boy feel good about himself, and he is the important one, not the insensitive knucklehead.

Re: Etiquette Questions

Originally Posted by Veruka;3025049;

Based on your desire to slap the people who ignoratly imply that he's not normal, I am assuming that the questions you get are coming from relative strangers? If that is the case, I think I would come up with some sort of generic canned response that doesn't necessarily answer their question, but gives them a strong hint that it was rather rude to ask in the first place. Something along the lines of "Now why aren't you curious about my son too?" that would get across the point that there's really no reason to single your cousin's stepson out for curiosity. If the people asking are people you're running in to in public and not people who know you, then they're being very rude. Look at it this way -- you could be helping them by pointing it out in a friendly way so that they don't come across as that inconsiderate the next time!

Yes, the majority of people that ask are strangers or people that I just know in passing (some of them have saw me around for years and know good and well that I only have 2 children but "forget"). I do have a few close friends that have asked about him after meeting him but I can deal with that (luckily not a one of them have implied he isn't "normal").