"The Dolphins' search for a coach has apparently turned into a four-horse race, with Cowboys assistant head coach Tony Sparano leading the pack with a few strides to the finish line… they met with Titans defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz… Vikings defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier…also brought in recently fired Ravens defensive coordinator Rex Ryan…"

Leave it up to Bill Parcells to make a horse racing analogy out of this whole coach search. I’m pretty sure everyone but Tony Sparano is being seriously considered for this job. But Parcells wants the other three names in there so ESPN can say it’s a four-horse race.

Waiting for this head-coaching thing to happen has been excruciating. Sparano wants to take a day or two to reflect on the Cowboys’ shocking early exit from the playoffs, but I frankly do not have time for that. You lost. Get over it. That may sound a little assholish and insensitive, but I don't like the Cowboys, so I really don't care.

Now leave your cushy job with a Super Bowl contending team and come down here to coach this dysfunctional group of shit-for-football-talent already! Sure this franchise is in complete disarray and most men would rather lather their nut sack in honey and go smack a beehive with a tennis racket before taking the head coaching job for this vomit bag of a team, but still. The Tuna has chosen you. So suck it up and get your mustachioed ass down here. Today. -- Chris Joseph