Parenting Through Disappointment

It’s a big day at Das Schmidt Haus — our firstborn daughter Lucy turns three and also starts preschool today. She’s entering a new stage, and ready or not, Joel and I are entering a new phase of parenthood — one that I hadn’t really given much thought to until yesterday.

I had a back and forth with a reader of our blog, prompted by the following question from yesterday’s post: Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we depended on God the way a baby depended on her mother from the moment of conception?

The reader responds: “Amen! I could sure use that ability right now. Broken hearted for my daughter because she didn’t make the A Team for volleyball. She made C and her other league teammates made A. I’m having a hard time with it and teaching her that this is where God wants her to be.”

Ahh, I was immediately transported back to sixth grade, over 20 years ago, and became flooded with similar memories and emotions: rejection, failure, being on the outside looking in, simply feeling I wasn’t good enough. Sixth grade was tough.

And then I realized that one day, in the not so far off future, Lucy may find herself facing these similar emotions. And my heart sank for her (and admittedly a little for Joel and me, too). How will we parent through those difficult moments?

While my heart breaks for the girl who didn’t make the A team in volleyball, my prayers really are offered for her mother who is struggling to find the right words, the right approach, the right anything, to help her daughter through this tough, but passing, time. A time possibly prime for teachable moments and strong character development.

So I told the reader I would pose the question: How do you help your children seek God’s will and depend on Him for strength and peace during experiences that leave them feeling left behind, forgotten, rejected, and less than? I certainly don’t have the answers or experience and can use the advice, too. Let’s just hope I have a few more years to learn before needing to implement!

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My parents have always been my greatest example of unconditional love, which allows me to understand God’s unfailing love and infinite patience.
In high school, I had several disappointments in pursuing ‘higher office’ in FFA (at the local, district and state level). I don’t remember anything specific that they said to me in those times – but I remember what they did. When I lost the election for Chapter (local) President (and only won the lowest election), my mom gave me a plaque that said “Leadership is action not position” – and essentially taught me that a leader acts and does what is right regardless of the results of any election. I learned more from that loss than I ever would have had I won!
My mom would also remind me of scripture – specifically Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through strength) and Romans 8:28 (We know that God works all things together for good). My Dad was always there; always listened – always pointed me to truth. Above all, they were always there. They made it a priority to be at our events. It’s so much easier dealing with disappointment when they witnessed it – and you don’t have to ride a bus wondering, “HOW will I deliver this news? They will be so disappointed in me.”

I think the parenting through disappiontment will be showing the difference between being disappointed in the results/outcome – and not in your child. That’s what my parents taught me.

While I’m not a parent… It was not long ago when I didn’t make a team or didn’t reach a goal. The most helpful thing my parents did was NOT reverting to the, “Well, they’re dumb anyway. Who wants to be on that team when they’re so dumb?” They just supported me, held me, listened to me, and eventually time passed. Something makes me think they helped aide the motivation I got from being rejected to better myself and try again, but I can’t recall exactly what they did.

That volleyball story was me last year! I was kind of lucky since it was obvious that some kids were not put on what we thought were the “right” team – some with little experience made A/B for example. I told my 8th grade daughter that she needed to concentrate on herself, on building her skill set & using it as practice time to be a better player. This year in high school thankfully she did make the A team, due to her own hard work. We always have to refrain from being too critical of the sport or coach or placement remembering that there are many things to learn from each place they are in life and sometimes those kids who never face disappointment or adversity do not fare well later in life.

Very good advice, Sharon. I like how you mention it’s important to refrain from adding to the negative by being critical of the sport or coach. Good stuff. Thanks for the comments! (And so glad to hear she made the A team this year! YAY!)

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