10 Celebrities That Are Scientologists

This list of 10 celebrities that are Scientologists is a sobering reminder that even the rich and famous can allow themselves to be conned by a sham religion created by a talentless hack sci-fi writer. Money can’t buy you brains, but it can buy you a higher O.T. level.

Tom Cruise. Perhaps the most famous celebrity Scientologist to go off the deep end, Tom Cruise has baffled the world by jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch and appearing in a leaked Scientology video that can only be described as “wackadoo crazy.” We have no idea where you would find a copy of this video to laugh at, though (YouTube).

John Travolta. Travolta has had a long career of extremely varied quality. He was awesome in “Pulp Fiction.” He was much less awesome in “Look Who’s Talking Too.” He was epically terrible in “Battlefield: Earth.” Guess which one was based on a terrible, terrible book by Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard?

Beck. He has a Devil’s haircut in his mind. You know what else is in his mind? The notion that an evil alien named Xenu brought billions of other aliens to Earth aboard a spacecraft that for some reason resembled a DC-8 airliner, dropped them off at some volcanoes and then blew them up with hydrogen bombs, which is the cause of all the problems we have today.

Nancy Cartwright. “Who?” you may be asking. The voice of Bart Simpson, that’s who. She even lent that voice for use in a Scientology robocall campaign. We can only assume the prerecorded message she made for the purposes of promoting her religion of choice was at least as funny as any season of “The Simpsons” since season ten.

Kirstie Alley. She became famous as Sam’s less likeable love interest in “Cheers” and now maintains her fame by constantly reminding everyone how fat she is. Alley is also the second celebrity on this list to appear in the “Look Who’s Talking” movies. Coincidence? Or conspiracy?

Jason Lee. Like most celebrity Scientologists on this list, Jason Lee’s career seems to have a decidedly downward trajectory. He went from being hilarious in “Mallrats” to occasionally amusing in “My Name Is Earl” to mostly not there in “Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel.” Oh, he also named his son “Pilot Inspektor,” which is something nobody should ever do.

Danny Masterson. He was on “That ’70s Show.” Now “That ’70s Show” is off the air and we’re not quite sure what he’s doing. Probably just hanging out at the nearest Scientology center, passing the time by getting audited now and then.

Lisa Marie Presley. This celebrity Scientologist is the daughter of Elvis Presley and was at one point married to Michael Jackson. Is it any wonder this woman found solace in a crackpot religion created by a guy who was sort of like Robert A. Heinlein if Heinlein had been raised on a diet of paint chips?

Greta Van Susteren. She’s a Scientologist and she works for Fox News. It’s like a one-two punch of terrible. She’s also had plastic surgery which has left her face looking like some sort of hideous desk mask. She’s probably a hoot at parties, though.

Katie Holmes. Nooooooo! This time you’ve gone too far, Scientology. Katie Holmes had such a promising career after her role in “Dawson’s Creek.” Then she got involved with Tom Cruise and he turned her to the Dark Side. Has she even been in anything since “Batman Begins?” That was a long time ago now, Katie, and Maggie Gyllenhaal totally showed you up playing the same role in “The Dark Knight.” Come back to us, Katie. We miss you.