Castle Guide

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A secret society dedicated to the restoration of the Kingdom of Poland-Lithuania, the imprisonment of Esperanto speakers, and furthering the eschatological doctrine of the Return from Occultation of the Thirteenth Imam, Val Kilmer. Seriously, what happened to that guy? He was awesome in Tombstone.
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Happy New Year!

‘Puter lifted this police file photo of Czarsleeping off last year’s Christmas Partymystery punch. Moral of the story: Never let Sleestak bartend. He has a heavy pour.

No, ‘Puter didn’t just regain consciousness after 2011’s yeti-themed New Year’s Eve Gala at Castle Gormogon. ‘Puter came to not less than two months ago, he thinks. ‘Puter really ought to know better than to accept a kumis based egg nog chug-a-lug challenge with the Czar.

‘Puter’s actually celebrating another federal fiscal year in which the Obama Administration and the Democrat led Senate have failed to enact a budget (both), or even propose a budget (Senate).

‘Puter’s a simple, Upstate attorney, living in a sod house and scratching out his motions for summary judgment on a piece of slate with a secondhand nub of chalk. Maybe it’s because ‘Puter’s such a simple, uneducated man that he has such a difficult time understanding how Congress is permitted to avoid the difficult work of coming to consensus on balancing taxation, spending and borrowing to fund current year operations in favor of the punting on third down approach of continuing resolutions.

There are obvious explanations for the Democrats’ lack of balls on budgetary matters. Here’s a couple for your edification:

1. Democrats’ continued spending spree is both indefensible and unsustainable.

‘Puter’s math (and the U.S. Census Bureau’s statistics) doesn’t count any past household borrowing. That’s all new debt. For example, if this household bought a house in 2010, that debt is not counted. It’s equivalent to finding nearly $40,000.00 of new, cool stuff you just can’t live without and borrowing until your lender says “enough.”

Continuing resolutions allow Democrat politicians to avoid confronting America’s impending bankruptcy until after the election. And, as all Americans know, politicians don’t give a darn about Americans in non-election years.

Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and interest on the United States’ current debt consume every dollar the federal government raises in revenue THIS YEAR. This isn’t ‘Puter running around with his hair on fire screaming, “ZOMG!!1! OH NOES!1!!! TEH MUNNY IZ ALL GON!1!!!eleventy!!” This is reality.

Before the United States spends a penny on national defense, roads, education, environmental protection, financial regulation, labor costs, the First Lady’s fashion budget, Joe Biden’s hair plugs and testosterone injections or the next White House beer summit, it’s already broke. We’ve already spent all our money on the non-productive or no-longer productive, putting a large burden on the currently working to support them, while at the same time short-changing government’s essential roles in commerce and infrastructure.

If the Democrats had to put forth a budget, how would they explain that an ever-shrinking number of workers will have to work harder and harder, and pay more and more, to the government to support those who can’t/won’t/don’t work (no matter how good or bad the reason)? Democrats can’t explain or defend this position, so they simply refuse to do their jobs to avoid the discussion altogether.

The simple truth is that America is already broke. We cannot afford our current year obligations without borrowing excessively to meet them. We sure as Hell can’t afford our out-year obligations without significant reform.

Putting forth a budget means illustrating your priorities in numbers. Even better, putting forth a budget requires restraining your priorities in light of your revenues, from whatever source derived. Best, tying your priorities to numbers allows others to use this newly discovered and amazing thing called “math” to cut you off at the knees when you’re endangering everyone around you by spending like Czar on Spring Break in his favorite coffee house/brothel in Amsterdam.*

Look, hippies and able bodied but lazy assholes. There’s no money left. It’s all gone. We’re borrowing to cover the generous social welfare programs we currently have, and there’s no end in sight. Hell, the plague-of-locusts Baby Boomers haven’t even all retired yet, meaning some of them are still propping up this government benefits Ponzi scheme.

America needs to spend less, to tax more or some combination of the foregoing to even maintain the benefits we currently promise. There’s no other answer, which brings ‘Puter to his conclusion.

The Democrats can’t (and won’t) put forth a budget because it would show the truth for all to see: you can’t get something for nothing. Either a whole lot more people are going to start paying more and more in taxes to support our current system, or a whole lot of takers are going to be really pissed off when the Democrats acknowledge reality and scale back benefits. Most likely, the solution will entail pissing off both groups.The problem Democrats have is that people receiving welfare benefits (including Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid) disproportionately vote Democrat. To put forth a budget is for the Democrats to admit to their base that they’re the political equivalent of Bernie Madoff.

“Sorry, folks, I’ve spent all your money, and there’s nothing left for you to live on. Now, what do you say? How about voting for me again?”

The Democrats are stuck. To propose a budget is to commit suicide. To fail to do so is a dereliction of their Constitutional duties. The fact that the Democrats have chose to forsake their sworn duty to behave in a Constitutional manner tells you everything you need to know about the Democrats in office. They’d rather eff you and the nation over rather than suffer a moment’s discomfort themselves.

Vote Democrat at your peril. Democrats are content to ruin the country to advance their failed dogma. All that matters is that Democrats remain in power.

You’ve been warned.*The Czar is partial to the Man Hole in downtown Amsterdam. If the Man Hole isn’t chock full of sweaty men in precious few leather garments writhing in sync with the syntho-pop beat, Czar has been known to head out to the Cock Pit out by Schipol. Czar likes the Cock Pit’s proximity to the airport, so he can make a quick getaway in the Gormogons’ zeppelin should the local constabulary realize he’s in country and attempt to serve a warrant related to that unfortunate “misunderstanding” from when Czar was doing his gap year backpacking across Europe and taking human ears as souvenirs. Good times. Good times.

About 'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.'Puter suggests the Czar suck it.