exploring wonderland

Moving West: January Thoughts

I know I have sworn to write more actively last year, which I have failed…miserably. WordPress annual report has showed me that I have barely made through last year with three post, despite the traffic. Also I couldn’t say that the traffic is a good reflection in this point of view, since most of them came from my older posts.

Anyway, here we go. As you all know, I have finally graduated my master degree and yet, as year changed I am still in the same spot looking for a chance to start a career. I have been accepted once, then canceled just two weeks later saying that they are moving their base to Singapore so this position is not needed anymore. Second time is not a charm, I have been invited to an interview in Berlin which I thought went very well despite all the time rearrangements since my bus was very very late and I actually had to travel early in the morning in the exact same day where I was supposed to travel for holiday with my boyfriend’s family to Denmark. The interviewer said I sound like I know what I’m doing, told me a lot of things about the company and its future plans, and even kinda told me he likes my determination. And then what? Poof. Nothing. No news, no rejection, no ´sorry we found someone more suitable´, nothing. It was October and this is freaking January.

Oh by the way if you are a potential employer reading this and wondering if I’m always swearing, don’t worry. Swearing is something I do like eating chocolate, but I normally don’t really swear at work. Also, I have my own way of swearing. No, not like a truck driver. This is the important piece, which most people misunderstood: Swearing does not only reflects a bad temper or bad behavior. For me, its my form of dissatisfaction of my work from time to time because I’m a perfectionist.

Taken a few years back, where I was only 23 and got my bachelor degree. Why didn´t I just went to start a new career? Because I thought I need a master degree, so what I did was working freelance while applying scholarships. Or maybe I didn´t know what else to do with my life, if I should try to honestly put it. 2015 was probably the harshest year of my life where my dreams were crushed to pieces and I have no idea what other purpose I should seek.

I have always imagined that I wanted a master degree (at least) then start writing down my ideas as a research, working as a researcher or lecturer in a university somewhere. Now that I think about it, why did I chose the underground way? I could have just took the job in the university where my parents work, some of my old lecturers already asked why I didn’t just work there, they’ll be waiting and this and that. But I didn’t. Then I decided that what I want is a peace of mind, so I tried finding a way to move out from my home country because there are way too many reasons that puts my mind in chaos.

If only I have chosen that highway, my life wouldn’t be such a mess right now. That, or worse. Like living in a golden cage. The Germans always thought people from Asia are trying to pursue a living here because in one way or another you find much more in life here in Germany. For me, that is right in one way but very wrong in another. For starters, its clear that I am not born from a poor family. If I would have stayed and work in that university I would definitely already have my own house, maybe my own car. Even if I don’t, my parents would probably bought me one since I have never asked much and they have the funds anyway.

Speaking of lifestyle, if the Germans think that they have a higher lifestyle, well not really. We Indonesians have more luxury items, since we have the resources and taxes are low, even for branded items. Though we would have to work hard, we actually like working and we don’t need five times holiday a year like you do. We are taught that our work is to serve other people and the society, so we don´t just run out from the office at the end of the office hour if there is some queue in front of the door. If we are jobless then its the end of the world because although our country is rich we have no support for jobless people.

So yes, despite I am half Chinese by blood but I am indeed a proud Indonesian. Only because I cannot fit in in their culture, would I want to live here in Germany where I have to shiver for half a year due to the cold weather. Afterall, I came from an exotic country where it’s summer the whole year. But here, I have a peace of mind. Nobody knows me or my parents, everyone just assume I´m Asian so I might be somewhat that brilliant student who could afford to come here to start a new life cause their country sucks, just like how they probably assume any other Asians who came here. Some people just assume we Indonesians have clay houses, but I don’t care to explain even if I stayed at my parent’s house I just need to tell the maid what food I want and it will be served on the table – because I don´t need to.

I have spent the last year trying very hard to write every job applications because I had to, eventhough I really hate it. I honestly hate how people have to advertise themselves and often exaggerate in a lot of parts, and its just not something I like. It took me a very long time to get used to it and not to hate myself after writing every single one of them. I honestly have never had to write any job applications, because even now I still receive job offer from my home country, and the people from the university still asked me to apply there – asking my parents if I didn’t apply cause I think its not cool enough. Never would they know, I have never missed my home country before like I do now, but I know if I return I will never have a peace of mind, even if I would have everything a young lady ever wanted.

Success, a lot of money, fame, luxurious car, and a big house has never been my purpose of life. I was born in an atmosphere that allows me to see very clearly, how those things will never bring me happiness.

I was born with a brain that thinks nearly every opposite things of what my peer does. Although I always have mind my manners and mostly my grades as well, I have never ever care to try being nice if I don’t like someone, I don’t care flashing my stuffs or wanting branded stuffs even my parents could afford them. I do not want to spend my life polishing my skin while rotting inside. I don’t want to be poor trying to look rich. Even when I received my first diamond jewelry at the age of nine for my good grades, I let my mom kept it and I have never worn it until I’m twenty five because I don’t want to feel like I’m flashing my stuffs. I remember the times when my scholarship applications were directly rejected because I was ´not poor enough´. It was painful. It is irritating to always be linked back to my parents no matter if I achieve or fail at something. I even got talked behind my back for skipping going to church, or criticizing the teacher for missing out the point of the subject. I just never could fit in, and I never really tried because being me is the only thing I have.

And so, I moved to Germany. There might be times where I regret not taking the highway, but I thought I probably would have hate myself if I did. And if I would say, if only I had start a job immediately after bachelor it would have filled my CV much better than what I have been doing so it might be easier now to find a job here, it can’t be true either because it was the reason that allows me to move to Germany.

So then I noticed, the past year of struggle has allowed me to fix my mistakes I have never seen before – even the smallest things. Like how I should have mind my grammars better when I write my application for an Editor job, or figuring out what I wanted to do next in my career since I will never want to be a university staff anymore. I also have learn how to struggle finding a job, how much effort it took – since before I moved here I never had to even look for any. I have learned what it is to struggle in life, even if its not money you’re looking for.

So I have. Somehow, deep inside I know that it’s the right time for me to start a career. It’s the right time to start my life anew. After this really long struggle, I know I deserve a chance.

About Judith

Hello everyone! I share my thoughts here. Sometimes it may sounds a little weird or too radical, I know. But then it is just a spark of thoughts I would love to share :) And yeah, as you know "knowledge is a power, but ignorance is a bliss" [Plato]
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