It's judgement day at Wernham Hogg. It's time to find out the long anticipated news of which branch – Slough or Swindon – has been chosen to be 'downsized'. Yet, no matter which one it is, it'll still be a sad day indeed, as redundancies are a guarantee.

Alex: Are you keeping Anton on because he's disabled? David: Anton's not disabled. Alex: He's a midget, David. David: Yeah, but you're not disabled if you're a midget, are you? That's not a disability, that's just small. Ronnie Corbett doesn't get special treatment, does he? Alex: Ronnie Corbett's five foot. Anton's three foot four. David: So are some children. Children don't get special favours, children aren't disabled, are they? Alex: Children don't work in warehouses. David: Look, whether or not Anton is indeed a midget or a dwarf...Alex: No, he's a midget. David: What's the difference? Alex: Well, a dwarf is someone who has disproportionately short arms and legs. David: Oh, I know the ones. Yeah. Alex: Yeah. It's caused by a hormone deficiency. David: Yeah. Bloody hormones. Alex: A midget is still a dwarf, but their arms and legs are in proportion. Gareth: So... what's an elf?

David: This is Karen Roper, my new secretary. You can all use her - oh, as the actress said to the bishop.

Tim: It's like an alarm clock's gone off and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said, er, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." That's how I feel, you know? Although he also said, "I am the walrus, I am the eggman."

David: Well, you're not looking at the whole pie, Jenny. Wernham-Hogg is one big pie, and if they've let me in charge of that one big pie, then I'll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit, and I-- Jennifer: I don't have time for the pie thing, David.

David: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs, yeah, yeah. (Everyone gasps) Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna to... yeah... stay. I know, I know, gutting, gutting. You- you didn't see me. On a more positive note, the good news is I've been promoted, so... every cloud... (everyone stares; long pause) You're still thinking about the bad news aren't you? Malcolm: There's no good news, David. It's bad news and irrelevant news. David: Yeah, that's not a phrase though, is it? I couldn't come out and go "Oh, I've got bad news and irrelevant news." Malcolm: You could have told us about Neil and kept your promotion to yourself. David: Should've told you the good news first, got you happy... Malcolm: There is no good news, David. David: Hmm, I think promotion is generally considered good news.

David: You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is "Did I enjoy it?" Yeah? "What did I learn? What was the point?" That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that (points to himself) anything's possible. Yeah? If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. You know? And I don't do it so they turn round and go "Oh thank you, David, for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs." I do it so, one day, someone will go "There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

Cultural References

David: This is Karen Roper, my new secretary. You can all use her - oh, as the actress said to the bishop.

The phrase "as the actress said to the bishop" is used to draw attention to a statement that is not implied to suggest sexual manners or acts, but may be supposed to have so.

David: Like this person. Kojak. Who loves ya, baby?

Kojak was a US detective TV series which ran between 1973 and 1978. Telly Savalas played Lt Theo Kojak, a bald New York police who often said "Who loves ya, baby?".

David: I'm thinking of other weird-looking bald people.Karen: That one on Benny Hill?

The Benny Hill Show is a short sketches show that had been on television in Britain since the 1950's, featuring Benny Hill, Henry McGee, Carol Cleveland. Karen was refering to Jackie Wright, a short bald man who often got slapped on the head by Benny.

Tim: I think it was John Lennon who said, er, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." That's how I feel, you know? Although he also said, "I am the walrus, I am the eggman."

What John Lennon actually said was "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

"I am the walrus, I am the eggman" is a paraphrase of a line from the 1967 song "I Am the Walrus" from the Beatles' ninth album, Magical Mystery Tour.

David: On a more positive note, the good news is I've been promoted, so... every cloud...

The phrasal verb is "Every cloud has a silver lining," which means that every bad situation has a positive aspect.

David: Spirit of the The Dam Busters. Yeah? The squadron never dies, does it? Seen that film?

The Dam Busters is a 1954 British war film staring Michael Redgrave and Richard Todd, set during World War II. It documents the true story of the RAF 617 Squadron, the development of the "Bouncing Bomb", and the attack on the dams. Richard Todd's character, Guy Gibson, had a black Labrador dog named nigger. The scenes featuring the dog were cut from the ITV's last showing of film because their previous broadcast received complaints for the use of the word nigger.

David: I'm not doing this for an Esther Rantzen Heart of Gold or, you know, if Esther's handing out awards, then do it for my charity work.

Hearts of Gold was a TV show, on which Esther Rantzen would give little golden hearts to members of the public, who had done some charity work.