Monday, January 14, 2008

The Cliffhanger

So much to say and so little time to write. I continue to wrestle with my dark side; but this week has brought a lot of progress and sense of lightness of being, which is rare for this earth-bound monkey. I still have a hard time trusting--myself, the universe, other people. And that's the question put to me this week: Do you trust God to restore you? to take care of you? As Yogiji says, "The one who revolves the planets will take care of your routine." And yet, I don't even trust that anyone will show up to help me move this Saturday!

I feel so very far from God right now that trying to figure out whether I trust God seems a moot point, but in fact, I just need to figure out if I can trust 'just enough'--not perfectly--to get me through these dark days.

For the first time in my life, I'm finally willing to look at why I attract into my life the things, people, and situations that I attract. There is a strong chance that I was harmed as a child. And my willingness to finally look at it means major progress--and yet it seems that once again I'm holding a double-edged sword. On one side, I feel such tremendous relief at my willingness to look and realize I won't die in the act of looking. On the other, I'm so incredibly angry that my life and the choices I've made--consciously and unconsciously--could have come from something and someone that I don't even remember. It's incredulous to me--and yet, there it is.

So, here I am--still here, still alive, still kicking. Now to figure out how to just sit--still.

3 Comments:

I have been reading your blog more than a year. I have noticed that you have lot of mood cycles, such as depression and then feeling better for very little time.

These days people are trying to go "organic" in foods, and medicine. Which is not a bad thing to do. But we tend to get lost in big "organic" thing and begin to question modern day science and medicine.

Briefly, Our entire body is just like a house. Brain and wiring etc. If this wiring or chemicals are imbalanced then our circuits will not function properly or adquately. Therefore, we need something that is lacking inside in terms of biochemicals.

Now, the question becomes why doesn't meditation of months and years balances the biochemicals. The question is if the source that produces biochemical in the body is not functioning then no matter how we stimulate it, it will not begin to function.

Briefly, God is everything that we see in the energy form, yet this very God is separate from everything ; just like light has two properties it behaves like a wave and a practicle.

Sceince is one branch of understanding God's energy. how it behaves and interacts etc...

Therefore, My personal opinion is to get professional help with meds then continue your sadhana. The energy of kundalini wants to do its work but the wiring or biochemicals are not functioning properly. Then how can sadhana can make a difference?

I know lot of people will argue that God can do everything etc and we need to have faith in him. But God is everything and we need to understand the biological process and fix it. If science was not necessary then human brain would not have gone through evolution.

The whole point is to live in God's Hukam. Hukam means that if it is winter then its going to be cold even if we like it or not. We can cry everyday before God and ask for warmth but nothing will change, because everything works according to the Laws (hukam).

therefore, during winter months we can wear winter clothes and turn on the heat to keep ourselves warm. The winter months will run its full course before coming of spring and summer. Therefore, Hukam is to accept what is going on in the universe according to the laws but God has given us tools to use them.

Now, if someone says that have faith in God and winter months will turn into summer, which will never happen and it will drive us away from the loving energy (God) because thousands of doubts will build against it.

So, get control over your Mood swings then you will see the power of meditation doing its job. Your true friend, your lover, your mother and father is your Soul, which is part of Vast energy (people has given it a name God).

You have been a faithful reader and I appreciate your comments. You're not the first to suggest medication. But I have been on medication in the past and at this point, I'm just not ready or willing to go there again. If I hadn't tried it before, then perhaps I'd be more open and willing today. But I have. I know the results, which frankly are not that spectacular--at least in my case.

I have close friends who report that medication has made all the difference in the world for them--and I'm grateful that it has helped them to not only stay alive but also to live with some measure of joy and pleasure again.

For myself, medication kept me alive, which again, I don't want to discount. It was a huge factor in my staying alive long enough to 'get well' whatever that looks like. But it didn't make a fundamental difference in my perception of happiness or pleasure.

This hukam that I live with is my own. For those who've never struggled with clinical depression, they can never understand. But for those of us who have, it's a very personal decision. If it ever comes to living or dying again, then yes, I will concede to allopathic medication. But until then, I choose to fight my own battle my own way.

Personally, I have been in clinical depression myself in the past (about 15yrs ago) and have been for last 2yrs. I can understand what you are going through but I cannot experience the depth of your depression.

I use to have feelings of vast emptyness, everything seemed dark and every thought was negative and I became hopeless. Sleep time increased and weight began to go up.

More than a year I struggled with my emotions which would be very low and at times the emotions be good for very short period of time. Then again into the deep pit of darkness and emptyness. there was no charm of life at all.

I also became very resistant for help and for meds, because it was my problem and I did not want any sympathy from other people. Sympathy or help from other people meant humilation and degrading to myself. It felt like people enjoy my misery and I became very anxious and not trusting person.

Even if someone said something like this " what is the date today", I would get defensive and argue with that person because I thought that person's thoughts are indirectly directed towards me. And so on......

The pain and suffering of depression continued and I became more resistant to help from others, even from doctors. Because I thought that they will make fun of me after my visit.

But one day I brought some courage into me and made an appointment with the doctor. When I went there my blood pressure was very high because being anxious and paranoid about everything. During the appointment, I felt some what relieved because someone was listening to me without any judgements and after 20mins my blood pressure came down.

However, I was put on med (antidepressant and antianxiety). As I was on meds I also took one baby step to do some excercise at the local gym.

Gradually, Everything came into its place. But episodes of anxiety continued and then depression again, even on meds.

But I continued my meds along with excercise. But then I asked myself why am I so negative about everything?

Why Do I have to think negative?Why do I think about that I don't have?Why do I make myself sad even there is no reason to be sad?

Then: How do I stop these thoughts that take me into depression and brings the feeling of emptyness?

Then I began to think about what I have, such as health the most important (eventually not mentally at that moment), but health in terms of no sickness, or othe body diseases.

Then I began to block all negative thoughts.The moment those thoughts would creep in and take over me I would mentally say timeout and CRUSH that thought.

Even if something did not work in my favor then I would accept it and move on..... Slowly life started to show a different meaning that be HAPPY at EVERY BREATH because there is limited time we have on this earth.

Why should I waste my time being negative and become less productive in other parts of my life. Even pain and gain is state of mind.

I accepted whatever is happening and if its under my control then I would work hard at it, if something is not under my control still work at and see how nature or universe interacts with it. If the result was failure , Accepted it and moved on to something else.

Meanwhile, I also bought Kundalini DVD by Nirvair singh khalsa (6dvd set) and began doing it the days that I don't workout.

Now Even in the Darkest day I am able to find some tiny spark that totally vanishes the dark. Now Darkness is afraid of me because it does not rule my psyche rather I became a warrior against my own mind.

But first Aceept what you have and don't have. Then look out the window, you will see beautiful vegetation, mountains, snow or rain and people in their cars or on foot. Try to understand the GAME being played!

Game! Life is a Game. We need to be winners. Win over death before death strikes us! Smell sweet fragrance of life with everybreath. Feel God with every breath.

Do we want to lose this Game! A challenge given to us to overcome our minds or we simply give up and surrender to our minds aggression of being in dark all the times?

One small story my father told me. There was an old man living by himself in his little cottage. One late evening he dropped a needle in his room. So this old man went outside of his cottage and began to search for this needle. He spent countless hours in the search of this needle and he became frustrated and very angry at Himself because he could not find that needle.

Meanwhile, someone was walking by and asked this old man why he seems so frustrated? The old man replied I lost my needle and I cannot find it! The young man asked another question, where you think you might have lost it?

The old man replied, inside my cottage. The young man said, then why are you searching outside of your cottage?Old man replied, because there is more light outside.The young man lit up the candle and took it inside, the moment the candle was brought inside it luminated the entire room and that needle was very easy to find.

Therefore, We have bring light to our minds. Even in the state of misery we have to think its okay if I don't have this or that because The Game of life is not to collect possessions in terms of relationships or materialistic things rather to bring light in our own mind and body where the darkness lingers around.

Inhale slowly and feel the life! From Now on with every breath there are positive thoughts. No matter what happens!

Lets become winner of this Game of life. Lets not focus on the dark side rather the light side. Lets not walk on the path which brings destruction to our well being, rather walk on the path that will bring victory slowly.

For Every step that we take with True love in our hearts and mind towards that true energy, It will take thousands of steps towards us.

Lets not keep on finding love in other mortal bodies, rather bring that love in other peoples lifes. Yes, during the course of life if someone comes before you as your companion then accept him or her according to your likings.

In Guru Granth Sahib, its written that even if there were thousands and thousands of suns before man, still darkness will not vanish from that persons mind. Because we need to bring tiny spark of knowledge (practical knowledge) which will destroy all the darkness in our mind and soul.

We need change our congitive function. We need to accept certain things in our life the way they are, and keep on singing and dancing with joy!

Keep on smiling and laughing no matter what happens! But keep on walking on your destiny to become immortals, not AFTER death but before it!