CRABBY CANCER...

The Sublime Irritations of March 2005

What ho, crab type things! We left you last time with your odious family under your complete control for the first time in recorded history. You were also winging your way to foreign climes and readying yourself for a career as a master hypnotist. What will happen this time? Why, we'd best consult the vile and bitter prognostications for manic March and find out.

Planets too odious to name prance in aspects too ghastly to recount as you sun yourself at your relatives' expense. You use your newfound hypnotic powers to get money from them and also to obtain goods and sex from shop persons and café staff by bending them to your mighty will at counters, in corridors and parking lots. At first, this is just to see if you can. But, it soon becomes both lucrative and deeply satisfying, in the gruesome way you enjoy. Back at home, the family sleepwalks through their daily tasks, dull automatons, responsive only to your remote command. Mischievous Mercury enters idiot Aries and you begin discussions with agents and promoters about your first tour as a master hypnotist.

At the New Moon in snivelling Pisces, you hire repulsive media persons to create the publicity about yourself that you're determined to believe. Mesmer the Magnificent, you call yourself. Ye gods and little fishes! You still have not escaped the dark and crazed mantle of lugubrious Saturn as he lurks in dread manner in your sign. Speaking of which, after some ugly hobnobbing between the great Sol Invicti, vamping Venus and Pluto, dark god of the underworld, the miserable one moves forward again. This ungainly lurching is accompanied by the hideous cacophony of yet another Equinox inflicted on the world as the great Sol Invicti moves to arrogant Aries! Oh gods! Will the suffering never cease?

I suspect not. Oh well! How sad! Never mind! At the same time as this, marauding Mars enters Aquarius, sign of the idiot god as mischievous Mercury goes backwards, for lack of any better occupation. Thus, you find yourself sexually charged and hypnotizing unwilling victims in every direction, bargaining over vast amounts of cash and hiring and firing agents and promoters at a whim, just to assert your authority. You even send a psychic command to your sleepwalking family at home to start a blazing row that you listen to on the phone, just for old times' sake. Sentimental to a fault, my little nitwits of the nipper! But the ghastly, nasty doings of the insane universe are still not done with. From out of the deepest subconscious wells of the grasping insanity of your solar eighth house, marauding Mars conjoins in vile concupiscence with cranky Chiron and your need to fill your bottomless crustacean belly grows beyond all sense and reason. You will be a hypnotic hedonist and satisfy your every desire. The scars from your deprived childhood will be erased as you snap your psychic fingers and have everything you want.

The Full Moon comes in loathsome Libra and suddenly the way ahead is illumined by that chill necrotic light. You begin to feel that, if you have subdued your family by means of your mesmeric will, then why not the world! You will be a master hypnotist and command that all shall do your will, mesmerizing audiences all across the globe to adhere to the path of right and righteousness as laid down by yourself. A benevolent leader! An enlightened dictator that upholds the stern but loving traditions of mighty ancestors and elder days!

As Lady Moon wrestles with the blazing glare of the great Sol Invicti and a gaggle of awful planets in arrogant Aries and your solar tenth house, you dream of world domination and lay your plans. Eek! What a noisome idea conceived by a noxious little creature! And how fitting in a benighted world ruled by insane gods! Click here next time and see what happens to the 'best laid' plans of mice and crabs. Is it power beyond measure or 'gang aft aglae', my little nitwits of the nipper? We shall see. Ta! Ta!