Bridal party etiquette

Sunday

Dec 27, 2015 at 12:01 AMDec 29, 2015 at 11:57 AM

As soon as the engagement is announced (and a photo of the diamond ring is posted on social media) friends and families start to think about all of the events leading up to the wedding. Showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners and the like are all traditional celebrations. And while none of these are "musts," in the world of proper etiquette, most couples are still celebrated before the bride walks down the aisle.

But in the ever-changing world of etiquette, these affairs, and those responsible, aren't what they once were.

Bridal showers

Bridal showers were originally offered to help the bride-to-be create a "trousseau," which was traditionally a trunk of linens and items for the home that the bride took with her to her new abode. And while in many ways these events still serve that purpose, with so many couples getting married later in life, or each party having created their own livelihoods long before they met their significant others, different types of affairs have also crept into the mix -- including the coed shower and the stock-the-bar party.

Back in the day, a shower was not be thrown by the bride's immediate relatives -- it was considered poor taste. However, today it's perfectly acceptable for pretty much anyone to host. It can be the mother, the sisters, the future mother-in-law, or several of the bride's friends or relatives. Bridesmaids can help with the giveaways or favors, or contribute in any way they see fit. But in the end, it really doesn't matter who pays -- as long as it's not the bride or groom.

Theresa Mullan Vey held her bridal shower at the Narcissi Winery in Gibsonia, with a variety of wines and appetizers, instead of punch and cookies. Her mother hosted the event.

The four women in her bridal party still had roles in the event. "My sister helped buy the prizes, and she and one of my girlfriends planned the games."

Bridal party getaways

It wasn't until the 1960s that the bachelorette party came to be -- and on many levels, it now competes with the barhopping, raucous excitement of the bachelor party. It's not surprising to see Instagram photos of weekend jaunts to Las Vegas, or fanciful trips to New York, but it doesn't have to be this lavish. There are many great local options -- wine tours, or cocktails and dinner at a great local restaurant, or even a lovely Champagne brunch -- many of which offer some great girl bonding time, and it doesn't take days to recover from.

Rehearsal dinner

Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner was hosted by the groom's parents, but today anyone can host. This event doesn't need to be a seated dinner -- it can be a brunch or a cocktail event. And it isn't obligatory, but it is good form, and it provides a rare opportunity for families and guests to meet before the event. Traditionally, the guest list included parents of the bride and groom, immediate family, the attendants and their significant others, parents of young attendants, out-of-town guests, some close relatives and special guests, such as the officiant.

Stag and drag

Stag-and-drag parties are often something we think of as being an Erie thing. Most outside the region haven't heard of a party to raise money for a wedding. These wedding fundraisers are believed to have origins in Canada, although some wedding sites say they are rooted in Pennsylvania. Generally, it spans hours and is packed with raffles and games with prizes. You don't have to just include those on your guest list -- anyone can come.

Spa day

Although a wedding is a blissful occasion, it is usually preceded by months of stressful planning -- which is why it's great to arrange a spa day for the bride and bridal party. These events, usually coupled with Champagne and snacks, are a great time to catch up and, well, relax -- and generally happen the day before and/or the day of the wedding. These types of gatherings generally include the bride and bridal party, as well as the MOB and MOG. You may opt out, but if the bride really wants it done, she may offer to pay for it.

The role of the bridal party is much different from what our moms remember. Believe it or not, the bridesmaid's gown was not invented to inflict drabness upon the bridal party. Historically, that never-to-be-worn-again dress was chosen to trick evil spirits and resentful ex-lovers.

Although these are all great affairs, as an attendant, etiquette dictates there is no requirement for you to host a bridal shower, a stag and drag or a bachelorette party.

Being an attendant can already be costly -- you're responsible for purchasing your dress and accessories, gifts for the shower and wedding, and transportation and lodging. Contribute as you can, and talk with the bride if what she wants is beyond your budget -- like a weekend Las Vegas getaway.

If you still want to, or can help with any or all of these, there are less costly ways to go about it. In the end it's all about communication and tact. You are there to help the bride prepare for her big day -- and stand up in her honor. This is the next, greatest chapter in the story of her life, and all that really matters is she wants you to become a part of it. LEL

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