Change Your Words, Change Your Life: The Importance of Specificity

Beyond our language lessons at school, many of us never actually progress with our study of language because it’s almost like we’re ‘done’ with our learning, and so our use and mastery of language often stalls.

But when you consider how we personally experience our worlds, you’ll notice that it’s primarily through language and the words we and/or that voice in our heads choose to use…

If so many of us stop learning, refining and even mastering our own use of language when our formal education stops, it’s not surprising to me that we and the language we use can actually be the root cause of much of our negative stress.

Change your words, change your life…

As you begin to notice the words you use, you may start to notice some patterns; some are positive and others serve us less so well…

“I know, but…” or “Yes, but…”

If you frequently use this or others frequently use it with you, pay attention to how much you’re listening (versus speaking). When you use “but” it very often negates (or dismisses) the statement or sentence before it. From now on, whenever you use ‘but’ notice whether you’re giving the preceding statement enough attention before you dismiss or ignore it.

“It makes me feel…” or “You make me feel…”

Nothing and no-one can MAKE you feel anything. It is your choice to feel something, that might be triggered by someone’s actions but they’re not holding a gun to your head and forcing you to feel a certain way. This can be a tricky one for people to absorb because it means taking full responsibility for yourself and the way that you feel.

“I can’t…”

Most of us know that we shouldn’t use “I can’t” and yet many of us still do. It’s one of those cover-all phrases that allows you to avoid being too specific and therefore becomes easy to hide behind. More accurately, what “I can’t” often means is “I don’t want to” or “I don’t know how to” or “I won’t” or “I’m not allowed to” or “I’m scared to” or “I’m embarrassed to” or some other more specific reason than simply “I can’t”.

You may also notice that behind or underneath these unconsciously chosen words, your deepest-held assumptions can be found.

It’s a useful exercise – whenever you notice yourself using generalisations or being somewhat vague – to unpack what’s behind those words…