[After attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on.]
Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs the T-shirt. Spaceballs the lunchbox. Spaceballs the coloring book. Spaceballs... the flamethrower! Kids love it. And my favorite, Spaceballs the Doll -- me!
[Pulls string]
Doll: May the Schwartz be with you!

Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza The Hutt: Unfair to the payer but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza The Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.

Lone Starr: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Starr!

Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???

Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.

[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!

Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Dark Helmet: Say good-bye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!

[When Lone Starr and Barf stops on the outer space gas station]
Waitress: Ready to order?
Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [Her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
[Begins blasting]

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!