Nonetheless, your hope in reading this blog, was probably that I provide
you with some hope. Sadly, I think Ive failed. My story is not of one of
hope; it is a story of realizing that life is workable, it is a testament to the
brilliance of possibility in the present moment. What does happen when you let
go of fear and hope, or at least hold them with some degree of scrutiny, is that
you can work with yourself without being caught up in the shame of not meeting
your expectations. And this does not create laziness. Absence of
hope and fear is where we stop projecting ourselves into the past and future and
can be in the thick of it, where real work, real healing, can happen. I
had a therapist tell me recently that only in letting go of hoping for something
to be different and being with ourselves and our ugliness, our chaos, our true
experience of the world, can people expect to improve from mental illness,
because ironically, letting go of this desire for escaping our present into the
future actually precipitates profound change. Right here, right now.
Change can only happen in the present. Some things, its best to plan for,
but psychological change  Im afraid that Ive found it doesnt work that way.
So, what does this change process look like, in my case?

Over time, I simply allowed and gently accepted who and where I was, and
then in time, after letting go of the self-directed aggression of aspiration, my
heart opened, and gradually, it became apparent that more important than my
desire to be an artist of significance, was to help others. When you start
directly working with your sense of equanimity, of unconditional acceptance of
yourself, then it just happens. Surprise! When you part the clouds,
there you are, beautifully imperfect and you dont even care about your own
plight, so much anymore because the focus has shifted, and its no longer all
about you! And the world, theyre not perfect either, but because you no
longer judge yourself so harshly, you naturally have compassion for them, thus
taking healing to a higher level and moving it into the greater world.
Suddenly, for me, after years of tumultuous emotions, and a few more of having
none at all, I now feel something that is worth opening my heart for. And
the more you open your heart, the more you leap into the abyss of not knowing
how others will react or if you are going to get hurt, but the more alive and
human you will become.