Tag Archives: positional power

Over ten years ago, I found myself in a class for leaders and managers. After building rapport and working to create a safe environment of trust, the class facilitator decided to have us go around the room and share our insecurities and fears. The coach was specifically homing in on our weaknesses and asking for us to be transparent with others in the room.

As we worked around a small circle, one woman was visibly nervous. When it was her turn, it was as if someone flipped a switch and turned her red. She stumbled over her words as she explained how fearful she was to speak in public. Even in a safe situation with supportive friends, she still was nervous to share. We learned that she even had nightmares where she was in front of a room, perched behind a podium, and she misplaced her notes and looked out at a sea of unforgiving faces. Another attendee encouraged her and told her that she was better off avoiding these events so she didn’t trigger her fears.

The fear of public speaking grips many people who avoid it at all costs.

I want to share why this “avoidance thinking” is toxic to aspiring leaders.

Recently, I spoke to my local chapter of Toastmasters and shared 7 reasons why learning to speak in public is vitally important.

1. Overcome your fear.

There’s enormous power in mastering and overcoming a fear, whatever it is. I can recall the smile on a new rock climber’s face when he conquered his fear. “I have never felt so alive and free,” he said to me soon after completing his climb. That same feeling happens if you overcome a fear of public speaking, and – at least to me – it’s a whole lot easier than climbing a mountain.

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“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak, and to sit down and listen.” –Winston Churchill

2. Boost your self-confidence.

When you not only are able to overcome your fear but also become proficient at it, then your confidence soars. Confidence is often more compelling than competence. I don’t know what happened to the nervous woman after the class ended, but during the few days of our classes, she saw remarkable improvement. You could feel her confidence building.

3. Attract opportunities.

Great public speakers attract opportunities. Why? Speaking makes you visible. You’re in front of the room, so that’s rather obvious. But the fact is that your credibility is enhanced. You become an expert.

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“It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach, just get them to fly in formation.” –Rob Gilbert

4. Influence others.

Leadership is all about influence, about persuasion, about taking people from one point and moving them to another. Speaking is part of that process of persuasion and often the most powerful part. Anything that helps increase your influence is generally a good move.

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“All the great speakers were bad speakers at first.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

How old I was, I don’t know. Probably around four or five years old, give or take, though my father will likely correct the number with his own memory of the same event. It was a typical hot summer day, and my family was enjoying a day at the beach. We were in Ocean City, New Jersey, to be specific. At that time, the beach seemed to stretch on forever, which I now realize was a function of my age more than the actual distance of the sand. We brought food to the beach, which was typical because there was no way my father would pay Boardwalk prices for anything.

As usual, I was in the water. Somehow I lost track of my brother, Jack, who was with me. When I pulled myself out, exhausted, I scanned the crowd, looking for someone I recognized. I started walking, dodging people, umbrellas, walking around towels, sunbathers, and family tents. After what seemed like a few hours, which likely meant twenty minutes, I realized I was completely, utterly lost.

No matter where I looked, I didn’t see a single person I recognized. I was just short of panic. It’s a feeling I can recall to this day. I had never been lost before, uncertain about what to do or where to go.

Then, I spotted my dad. Where I was stressed, he was as calm as could be. My heart rate may have been spiking, but not his. He was scanning the area, his eyes making a mechanical sweep of everything. As soon as I saw him, I felt a flood of relief as if one of the waves washed all of the worry away in an instant.

This is one of the first memories I have of my father, and one that’s fitting to remember on Father’s Day. A few years ago, I wrote about 9 Leadership Lessons from Mom. It was so popular that I was interviewed numerous times about my childhood. Today I want to turn that spotlight onto my dad and share some of that fatherly wisdom. Because that day on the beach, I had a realization: when I was lost, I wasn’t really on my own. Dad was looking for me. And he wouldn’t give up until he found me. Still to this day, when I hear a sermon about God leaving the flock of sheep to look for a single lost lamb (Matthew 18:12), I think of my own dad doing that very thing.

1. Leaders never stop learning.

My dad loves to learn. His degrees range from electrical engineering to operations research (and many others). He went to seminary and then got an MBA. Even now, he is finishing a doctorate in business. My siblings know that our family was able to “Google” something long before the search engine was even formed. We simply found Dad, inputted the question, and out would come the answer. When the internet first started, I would often find he was faster. And, when we took a family trip, we would have to stop and read every plaque and see more historical sites than anyone else I knew.

Leaders have an insatiable curiosity. The more you learn to ask questions, the more you will learn information that may change the future.

2. Leaders serve others first.

When my wife and I were first married, we moved quite a bit. Guess who helped us move? Painted? Took down or put up wallpaper? How about fixing the leaky sinks? Inspecting the house? You’d think he was a contractor until I add that he did our taxes, analyzed the best mortgages, and told us about the history of the area.

3. Leaders are thrifty.

That’s another way of saying my dad is uh…cheap. And you’d have to be with only a government salary to raise six kids and numerous others we would take into the family home. The lesson, though, is to look for the value in everything. Don’t overpay. Realize that we need to be good stewards of what we have. Don’t waste anything.

Leaders don’t wish for the impossible; they create results with what they have.

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“Leaders create results with what they have, not what they wish they had.” -Skip Prichard

4. Leaders are not defined by a position.

Yes, he had an important job. He dutifully gave his time and talent to his employer. However, my father didn’t lead at work and then fail at home. He spent time with us. He was loyal to his family, and in particular, to my mom. None of us ever questioned his devotion. And that taught me a powerful lesson about leadership: it isn’t defined by a job.

5. Leaders appreciate the uniqueness of each individual.

My childhood home was a bit unusual. Somehow people found their way to our home when they were in trouble. If you were abused, our home was a place of refuge. We had our share of rather strange people stopping over. I never recall my father judging any of them. They were in need, and so they were welcome. And that was it.

Leaders don’t judge. Leaders appreciate each individual for who they are.

6. Leaders continually raise the bar.

If I came home with a 93% on a paper, I don’t recall a celebration. Instead, I was asked what I got wrong, why, and did I understand what I did wrong. The focus wasn’t on the criticism, but on learning and on striving to be better. My parents required each of us to learn a musical instrument, too, simply because of the benefits we would accrue by doing that.

Leaders raise the bar. Leaders push those around them to reach for more.

Title Does Not Equal Leader

My friend Mark Sanborn has advanced this idea for years. His definition of leadership is broad, one that encompasses everyone in an organization. A leader is someone who helps “people and organizations surpass themselves,” he says, adding that the test of leadership is whether “anything or anyone is better because of you.”

Mark knows leadership. In addition to his bestselling books, he is one of the most in-demand speakers on leadership, customer service and team building.

Recently, I had the opportunity to talk with Mark about all things leadership. This 10 minute video interview is a great reminder of some of the most important leadership principles. We discuss the definition of leadership and two of the biggest pitfalls leaders face.

In my very first blog post, I shared the unique way I grew up. Instead of filling our home with things, my parents filled it with people.

Our childhood home was always open. There was always room for one more person at the table. We had countless people live with us of all nationalities, backgrounds, and religions. Some would stay a night, but most would stay months. A few stayed for years. Most of our adopted family members arrived with serious needs and issues from drug addiction to abuse to serious psychiatric needs.

As I reflect on Mother’s Day, celebrated on Sunday May 11, I think about the lessons I learned from my parents. And, just as my mom prefers to give to others more than receiving gifts, I thought I would share that spirit and pass these lessons on. Today I honor her with more than flowers by sharing her wisdom.

1. Personal power is more important than positional power.

As I reflect on my childhood, I cannot think of a single time that my mom used her “positional” power as parent. But she always used her personal power, her persuasion, and her personality to influence. Anything I learned about how to relate to people started by watching her in action.

Even today, my mom is never interested in titles or your position. She is interested in you. What is your story? What are your talents? What are you doing for others?

2. Giving to others will always make you happier than receiving.

Yes, we’ve all heard that it is better to give than to receive. But why? Mom taught me that happiness is always rooted in service to others. I’ve seen people with depression improve dramatically when they serve others.

Mom was always happy, always singing, always sharing. And that may be because she was always giving—to us, to friends, and to all of the people she met each day. Our house was always full of people in need, and so the opportunity to give was always present. She is still the same way today as she was then.

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Leaders give of themselves more than they take from others. -Skip Prichard

3. The spiritual is more important than the temporal.

Some things are temporary, fleeting, lasting but a moment. Other things are forever. Make sure you are spending time on what matters in the long run. One of the very few rules I can remember was this: If you needed a place to stay, you were welcome to stay as long as you needed. But, you were required to attend church with the family. There is something powerful about connecting to forces greater than you.

One of the verses she would share with me was Colossians 3:2: “Set your affection on things above, not on things of the earth.”

Here is one story my wife recalls about my mom: Someone was staying in the house and she was learning a new skill for a job: How to cut hair. As I recall, she was somewhat troubled and my mom was counseling her. Mom volunteered to let her practice her newly learned skills. The girl transformed her hair, butchering it on one side. Instead of anger, my mom graciously turned to her in love. As she poured love on this girl, she taught us all what really matters.

4. The heart is greater than things.

If you broke something—even something precious to her—she didn’t care much. Sweep it up, throw it out, and it was long forgotten. But, if your heart was broken, she spent as many hours with you as you needed. She would agonize with you. If you were broken in spirit, she would encourage and lift you out of a dark place. She still does.