Getting More Difficult

by BJP
(USA)

I have been visitng this site for the past six months, and have gotten so much comfort from reading the posts and the kind words that people post here. My father passed away on January 14th. He suffered Cardiac Arrest and was not able to be saved. I have to believe that he did not suffer, and I have to believe that the ER doctors did all they could, but now six months into my grief I feel worse. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I sat by his bedside and held his hand while he died. He always protected me, always took care of me, and I couldn't help him. I was so close to my father. I am an only child and he was my everything. My teacher, my confidant, and my friend. I saw him almost every single day, and we talked on the phone several times a day. I have a husband and two beautiful children now, but there is such a huge, horrible void in my life, and I can't seem to work through it. I get overcome with grief and just explode into tears on a daily basis. My family has been wonderful and supportive, but I feel like I need to cry alone. I have not had any dreams of my father, and I think I need to. I need to see him and know that he is ok. He was a seemingly healthy man and I had seen him two days before he died. The shock of it all makes my grief worse because there was no closure and there was no chance to say "goodbye". He was here one day and gone the next. It still seems so unreal to me. My Mom and Dad were married for 49 years. Her sorrow and sadness is unbearable to watch. I thought that with time this would get easier, but for me, it is getting harder. Thanks for reading this, I know there are many who understand this pain.

Comments for Getting More Difficult

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father on Mar. 11, 2013 and my grief is getting worse. I feel like I am such a weak human being, because I have not been able to shake this off and find a new normal. I do not dwell on it, but at any given moment, I can begin to shed tears. We walked into the ER with Dad on Mar. 3 because his heart rate was fast, and he went down from there. We did get to say goodbye and I thank God for that. I have no feelings of wishing that I had one more chance to tell him something or do something for him. But, the pain seems to be getting worse. I have been unable to find a grief counselor or group and found this site tonight.

After reading some of the post, I realized that I am not alone in the way that I am grieving. That is a comfort to me. I will pray for you and may God give you comfort.

Aug 11, 2013

getting more difficultby: silver

I know how you feel.My mother died the same way.I saw her one day and then she was gone.I was at work when my father died and lost it. My parents were married for 64 yrs.My mother sat down and mourned.7 months later she died of a heart attack brought on by a blood clot from not moving around any more than she had to.I was on the way to a chemo treatment for my husband and couldn't go to the hospital until after.I wish I could have been there to hold either of their hands.I felt guilty because I wasn't there.I guess those of us left behind always find a way to feel guilty,like we didn't do enough.I have learned since then that we do what we can when we can. We will always wish we could have done more.I think that loving them and letting them know that is the best thing we could do.My mother and I became really close after I became a mother.My father and I became close just shortly before he died.I am so thankful for that.It helps that we really talked before then.I have a great faith in GOD and I believe I will get to see them again.May GOD send you strength and peace.I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jul 26, 2013

Getting More Difficultby: Doreen U.K.

BJP I am sorry for your loss of your father to a sudden death. 6 months is still too early to start feeling as if you should be moving forward. Guilt comes with grief but it should not linger too long. You say you talked to your father on the phone often, visited him, and sat by his bedside and held his hand when he died. You couldn't do more than this. You would have been overprotective and this would make for an unhealthy relationship and cause you a boundary injury. I think it is time for you to process that you were always available for your father realising you had to give him his space and remember the boundaries between a parent and a child.Your mom is in the same place as me. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago and I still feel my loss, and will do so forever. You can't live with someone for so long and establish a good family bond without this affecting us to our core. Perhaps if your grief is consuming you it may be of benefit for you to see a grief counsellor. Just talking over your feelings will put things into some perspective and you may feel some measure of healing taking place inside you. You may suggest this for your mom if this is appropriate for her. Sometimes we can get stuck in grief and unable to move forward and just a couple of sessions with a professional is all one needs to unplug a blockage that prevents us from moving on. If your mom doesn't want to go this route, then as a supportive family you may all get through this helping each other from day to day. Take one day at a time. You also have a husband and children and this will take up your time also. Take at least 1 or 2 days a week for you and your mom as grief days together and help each other through your loss. I am sure your husband and children won't deny you this time out. Your husband can have his 1 or 2 days with quality time for him and the children establishing a bond that he will be happy with in time. It won't always be this way. It will just be for an interim time till you start to heal from your loss and able to see your way better each day. You can then make sure you give your mom quality time and live with less regrets.

Jul 25, 2013

I am very sorry for your lossby: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear about your loss as I understand the feeling. I lost my mom, my best friend, my life, my everything 3 months ago. I have come to the conclusion that it only gets harder because as life passes us we wish for our loved ones to be there more and more each day through all the good and bad times and yet guide us as they always did. Here is a poem I wrote a month back as I cried my eyes out.

When I die you feel as if I was only a faint dream. All the time we ever spent together will become one of the most cherished moments in your life. My existence will feel as if I was only in your life for a blink of an eye. Once denial disappears you will realize I am gone. As forever in your heart I will be, where ever you are I will be, when you think of me know I am next to you, for every tear cried is a tear closer to moving forward and healing. As I helped you on Earth I will continue to guide you from where ever I am. Don't think I am gone because I am not; I am more alive then you will ever know. We all have an end and realize my time has come, its okay I am not dead. For everything I have taught you, carry it with you because one of my purposes in life was to help you. I will forever love you, as love never disappears. Don't be sad because my chapter with you in life has ended, but celebrate it because you were apart of it. One door has closed, be ready to open the next.

May God bless you and no matter how hard it is to believe as I still have a hard time believing it, they live within us and are with us day and night. Peace be with you.

Jul 25, 2013

Getting More Difficultby: Anonymous---Mi

I am sorry for your loss and all the ones on this site who have suffered because of death of a loved one. There are no words that can describe our grief; we just know how each of us feel. I lost my wonderful husband 8 months ago to Sudden Cardiac Arrest--it is so horrible in that we could not say good bye, hold them and tell them we loved them. we just know that suddenly our lives are ripped apart and they are gone. I am glad that you have a supportive husband and family to lean on--that is very important. I wish I could advise you on how to get through this and feel joy again. It seems that we must feel this pain in order to move ahead with our lives. This site tells us that we must not deny our grief; we must face it and walk through it even though it is raw and brutal. I, like you missing your Dad, feel a huge hole in my heart and I miss my husband with every breath I take. I have faith in God that He will be at our side every minute and He has a plan for us. God knows our sorrow and our pain; He knows what is best for us even though losing our loved ones is something we cannot begin to understand. I just know that I must look to God every day; many times throughout the day to survive. Our families love us and care but God is our only answer. We must hold to Him and trust His promise that He will not ever leave us. I try to keep as busy as possible to pass the hours and I look forward to the day that Jesus calls my name and I will be in Heaven to worship Him and to see my dear husband again. God Bless you