if you cant add me on msn id gladly just try to talk to someone on here.

ive been really messed up since my finacee left me 8 months ago. we went through so much and now its over i dont know what to do. everyday i feel like i dont want to go on. i have tried to end things (my life) 8 to 10 times. my moods swing like crazy. all i seem to do is worry all the people around me. im seriously trying to move on in the world but nothing is helping. ive been to my docters but he seems to be useless. he tried to put me on medication but i didnt want to take it because my older sister is on them and it seems to have messed her up even more and constantly needs stronger doses and i couldnt imagine what would happen if she stop taken them. i do love life but i just cant control the way i am feeling. and because ive done these stupid things it seems like theres no way to get better. at the moment i am working everyday to keep me ocupied and trying to find things to do but it just seems to be a distraction from how i am and its like just bottling things up. i used to because when i do them it makes me forget where i am in life. im loseing all my friends and family and i feel soon im going to hand myself in to the hospital. i just feel im a waste of space.

I am sorry that I had to edit your post, but we are not allowed to talk about illegal drugs. I feel that they mey make you feel better at the time, but don't solve the problem.

Talk to your doctor about ways of dealing with your depression. Just because your sister had some problems with medications, doesn't mean that you will. We all react differently to meds. So don't let one bad apple spoil the whole basket. Give the doctor a try.

I know exactly how you feel. And most of the time I dont think things will get any better. But, at the same time I always HOPE that they will. And with all of the support I recieve on here I just keep sputtering along.. I know its hard to deal with everything that is going on inside you and managing everything around you. Its really hard and I know that. You really cant dismiss the idea of getting help though. If you wont even try to get help then you are giving up on yourself and then there isnt much of a chance that you will feel better. You have to try. If you dont like your doctor... find a new one. There are all types of doctors out there with different personalities and I guarentee you can find one that will help you. But, you really do need to talk to someone about all of this.

Like Karen said, just because your sister has problems with her meds does not mean that you also will. We have members on here who take a certain drug and say it saved there life... then we have other members who say the same drug made there life even worse. It all depends on YOUR brain chemistry... you cant know how something will work unless you try it... and if you go into it thinking negatively, it is less likely to work. Mind over matter. You have to believe that you can get better before you will eve start feeling better. I know thats super hard... and I will be the first to admit I am not always positive at all. But its just the depression talking. And its okay to get down at times... but you have to keep getting back up... otherwise how can you expect things to get any better. Sometimes you have to help yourself.... but its always best to have others to help you as well. The more support the better.

So I recommend starting fresh and finding a doctor who will help you. You get to decide what you want... it doesnt matter how many doctors you go through...just find one that you like and that you are comfortable with and let them help you.

thanks guys just reading your posts has made me feel that little better. i would really like to come into a chat with you guys at some time. where are you guys from coz i wasnt shaw if this site was just for people living in america or something.

at the moment im still all over the place. ive felt like ive been draging myself around alot. i think coming to this site is guna make a huge difference. im going to take your advice and find another docter and maybe try to take some medication

You can check chat at anytime and if someone is in there, even if they are in a different category, they will talk to you. I will try to set up a day for chat for us. I am not sure how to do it though. But I will figure it out. We use to chat on Tuesdays, but there are different people in different time zones. So I have to figure out a time that will be good for all. Or we could just schedule a day and people can go in when it is convenient for them. Whatever you would like.

Londondude, what kind of work do you do? Nothing specific please just a general idea like office work, school work, cooking, like that. Also do you have any hobbies? Is where you live well-lighted? Do you fix your own food or buy it prepared?

Why am I asking you so many questions? Well, the way I figure it, if your answering my dumb questions your not thinking about other things. Also, we might have something else to talk about. Who knows?

at the moment i work in a primary school doing maintenance and the head master is aware of my condition as i was put in hospital at one point and have had attacks at work. aswel as feeling mentaly unable to concentrate on certain things i suffer from physical effects aswel. like throwing up and i shake and i just feel to curl up. i do have hobbies as before this all started about just over a year ago i had a full life of happiness. i love making music, i can play a large amount of instruments from piano to guitar to drums aswel as using music software to create electronic music on computers. (visit my website if you like. and i know its ironic that my music name is called sectioned but thats what i named it years ago so please dont be offended anyone. i will change it asap.

i love to cook, and i do eat alot of home cooked meals and drink plenty of water and i try to eat salad everyday. but as of recently im still losing alot of wieght. i used to wiegh 14 stone 6 months ago and now i think i wiegh about 10. im not sure y im loseing it so fast, i think its coz of the stress of being me.

i think im like this beccause of the certain sequence of events that happened in my life. like i worked very hard to get where i am at my job. i always used to turn to my fiancee and say i would end up at this job to surport us and the family we always wanted but then she left me just before the job came round. she was even upset that the job i always used to talk about came when she left. but what happened was when she did say it was over and she didnt love me anymore i started switching mind states. i was happy coz she was trying to be happy then i would self harm and then i tried to commit suicide and she just pushed me away. i dont blame her for this but every time i wanted to be near her for comfort and help she would push me further away. she then said i was harrasing her. i can see where she is coming from but all i wanted was help and love. we had alot of great times together but all she see is the bad times. we lost a child together and also we had an incident that i dont like talking about because it is her that something happened to so i dont have the right to talk about it but it effected both of us. also i was involved in illegal drugs alot and at one point when the recession came in i lost my job and we had to lose the flat we lived in and i became more involved in illegal drugs but didnt have the money so i used to take it off her. i was completely in the wrong for it and when we split i pulled out my life savings and gave it all to her because i felt what was mine was hers and i thort it was the same the other way round.

right i think im talking to much about her now.

can i ask if anyone here is from london?

and can i ask blue eyes and evelation if you have any problems. coz aswel as being in this state i want to help aswel, i was made for good intensions

Martyn, you have been through a lot, and I am truly sorry for the way it has been. I can tell you are a good, honest, and caring person who deserves better. The problem is no one can make it happen except you. The truth is, it is not what happens in a person life, but how they respond to it that makes the difference. No one 'should' suffer, but for most of us it is not until we hit bottom that we say "enough!" Any feeling a person wants to feel is already right inside of them. However we have "rules", and it is not until these rules are met that we allow ourselves to feel good. Find out what your rules are; abandon them and redefine them so you can set the game up to win.

march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.

thank you guys for talking to me. i have been through other posts on different topics to see how people in the world are coping with there own problems and i must say this is a remarkable site to bring all these people together. i have seriously thort that my problems have been very serious but to a degree now i see how much i have to learn about the world. i have a full understanding of the suffereing that goes on but with manic depression it just has clouded my mind. alot of people have said that i need to concentrate on making myself better coz im the only person who can do it but aswel as that i think thinking about myself is one of the problems linked with my depression. i have always ment well and all i want is to make people happy :). its wierd coz ever since i have join this site i havnt really had a bad turn since. at the moment my brother in law is satying with me and its really helped to have him there. me and him get on so well. he is just one of those people that make you smile. and i remembered i used to be one of those people. jeez if someone like my ex could fall in love with me for who i was and not what i became then maybe i have lost something along the way. i think self confidence and self esteem is something thats missing. there are alot of things that i need to go over. ive come up with a thing where and the end of each day i right what good things happened today and what bad things happened. then when i wake up instead of feeling like its guna be another day of sadness i read it and u see all the little good things that amount up and then try to ammend the bad things in that day. so far its been really good. especiialy at the school where i work.

anyway i have to go. work is calling. i will post more replies leter tonight.

It sounds like things are improving for you. Maybe one day you could just write down the good things and not the bad. Maybe you would feel even better. We love hearing when somebody is doing good and feels happy. This really makes the site worth coming to. It makes me happy especially. I am not on a lot due to work. But when I come hear and read that you are so happy with the site, it just makes my day. Keep up the good work. You are working on you and that is what counts. I am so happy for you.

Keep posting and let us all know how you are doing. No pressure, we just like hearing from you.

yea its been a fantastic week karen. i did have one turn but i just relaxed took some deep breaths. sometimes when i hear about my ex fiancee i tend to turn. but today i recieved a text from my mum to say that she had seen her shoppin and said hello. at first i almost freaked out as alot of thorts came to my head of the past. but i calmly said please dont talk about her right now. i hope she is ok and thats all i need to know. then went back to work. i was quite shocked at myself. im not sure whats going on in my head but things are getting better. i was quite surprised they talked aswel because she has orginaly called the police on me for harrasment and they was searching for me at my parents house. i thort my parents would be upset with her but it goes to show that i must of been so messed up for my parents to understand y she did call them. and i dont blame her too.

I am glad to know how you handled your mother talking about your ex. There is a time and place for everything. And I am glad that it didn't distract you from what you were doing. Though I wish that your mother wouldn't have told you it while you were at work. I feel, for me, that work is a kind of escape from everything else. Though, I also feel it is an important part of my life. But I keep work and home seperate. Things are going good on the home front too.

I'm so glad to read in ur posts that ur doing so much better. That's awesom mate,i'm truly happy for you!!! Also just letting you know that whatever advise you get from Karen the forum moderator,do what she say's as she has helped me more than you can imagine. And Martyn never justify what you vent on this forum as we dont JUDGE anyone on here ok. Hope all continues to go well for you. And yes you sound much more positive. Keep it up,you will get there in the end!!!!!!

best wishes Martyn,

beverley.c.

P>S> UR VERY WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!diagnosed with C in 2001.

colorectal anastamosis 2001.

surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.

total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.

surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.

more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.

infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.

i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.

1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.

march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.