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Dear Carolyn: I strongly suspect that I will run into my ex-girlfriend at an upcoming party,
which promises to be awkward and uncomfortable. She left me for another man, and we clearly weren’t
going to remain friends. She and I haven’t spoken in more than a year.

Telling her how badly she acted obviously won’t fly in a party setting. But do I ask how her
work is going when I really don’t care? Should I wish her and her new boyfriend well when I don’t
mean it?

I’m all for not making waves, but there is also a point when faking

politeness is so transparent that it doesn’t seem worth it. Should I avoid her, talk to her and
fill the time with platitudes, or tell her how I really feel and that we should talk about it
another time?

— R.

Dear R.: Avoiding her, faking pleasantries, telling her off — all of these have a significant
negative element. Do you really want to be the guy who hides, lies or scolds?

You didn’t give me the one option I was looking for: Say hello and keep on walking.

She might approach you, of course, but for that, you can have a clear but courteous response
ready, along the lines of, “One-eighth honest compliment to show decency. Three-eighths Please
excuse me; I’d rather not talk.” Walk away.

Dear Carolyn: I have two grown sons, 34 and 31. Both are responsible, hardworking guys. The
older one is married with a 3-year-old. The younger one has never married but has two children, 2
and 6 months. I have a good relationship with both and I adore all of my grandkids. I host most of
the family functions.

The older son doesn’t like or respect the younger one’s girlfriend and refuses to come to any
family function where she is present. He has put me in a position to have to choose whom to invite
for what. I think it is an immature and petty position to take on his part, but I am torn about how
to handle it.

— Dallas

Dear Dallas: Your older son has taken a stand, but you put yourself in the position of having to
choose.

You also had, and still have, the option of letting this son know that you won’t rig invitations
to suit him. You can tell him that you’ll treat both brothers and partners as family members of
equal standing. Because they are: Disliking someone’s mate doesn’t change the laws of family
physics.

If the younger son’s girlfriend harmed your older son or his family, then that does change
things, so ask him whether that is the case.

Otherwise, it’s time to state your principle: Family means accepting that you won’t always like
everyone who is brought into the fold. Explain that you can’t stop him from boycotting — and are
saddened by his family’s absence — but, unless there’s more to the story, you won’t enable such a
divisive choice.