Category: Gabriel Aubry

Apologies to those of you lovers of lady-on-lady action who are now dealing with a case of disappointed genitals because you only read a piece of that headline and thought this was going to be a post about Charlize Theron scissoring with Halle Berry.

It’s been about two years since Charlize Theron finally pulled herself out of the dickmatized haze she was in and broke up with barbecued Snausage of rage Sean Penn.OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Charlize’s cooze has moved on to Gabriel Aubry, the hot blond model piece who was in a chunky shit storm of a fight over custody and child support with Halle Berry. That fight hit peak WRECK when Halle’s new man Olivier Martinezpunched the pretty out of Gabriel on Thanksgiving. And now he may be wet humping on Charlize.

And I’m about go off on David Justice on Twitter. Because if he never screamed out an anti-Halle Berry warning to Olivier Martinez on Twitter, I would’ve never found that picture of him and I would’ve never been reminded about how I thought I was hot shit in the 90s when I wore a t-shirt with a sleeveless, hooded flannel vest. Those were dark times.

Former MLB player David Justice was Halle Berry’s first husband and their marriage ended in a puddle of messiness. She ended up taking out a restraining order against his ass. Halle Berry has never said that David Justice hit her, but she did publicly talk about how an ex-boyfriend beat her so bad that he punctured her eardrum. I guess a report recently popped up claiming that David was the one who messed up Halle’s ear. David let it be known on Twitter that he never physically abused Halle, and while he had everyone’s attention, he dragged her for trying to destroy him and shot out a warning to her soon-to-be ex-husband Olivier Martinez.

Getting into a fight for custody with Halle Berry is like waltzing with a chainsaw who accuses you of being a racist piece of trash and a shit dad. Olivier Martinez apparently knows this, so he’s not even going to dare to get into the ring with Halle Berry and is going to try to play nice. That is the worst news Halle Berry’s lawyer has ever heard! They’ve been eyeing a vacation home in St. Thomas and hoped they could buy it with the money they’d make from her next never-ending custody craziness. Damn that Olivier Martinez for wanting to be a sane and mature adult!

It’s time once again to check in with the crazy drama-loving loose cannon former couple that is Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry (cut to me 36 years from now writing “And here’s what Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry are fighting over this week“, because you know these two crazies will still be making life messy for each other well into their tea-on-the-lanai years). Last month, Halle pulled some CSI Lifetime shit by lab testing hair she yanked out of a hairbrush and dragging Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the hair of their 6-year-old daughter Nahla.

Gabriel denied it, as well as denying he was trying to make Nahla “more white” (one of Halle’s many accusations), and now TMZ is saying that Gabriel was telling the truth. They’ve learned – from an anonymous source named “Uh…not Gabriel Aubry“, I assume – that Gabriel never used chemicals to straighten Nahla’s hair, and any time you see Nahla with straight-ish hair, like in these recent pictures where she’s having dinner with a Dickensian street urchin who looks like her father, he wants you to know it was done with the help of a brush and a blow dryer. TMZ also says that Gabriel thinks Halle is being ridiculous and is just creating drama to keep their custody war going. Meanwhile, cut to Nahla up in her room searching “Emancipation from parents – how to do?” on her LeapPad.

Ugh, THESE TWO. They’ll truly fight over everything. Now that Gabriel admitted that he uses a hair dryer on Nahla’s head, you know Halle is going to inspect her hair with a magnifying glass and haul him back into court to accuse him of giving their daughter split ends.

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinezbeat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.

On the left is Gabriel Aubry before Olivier Martinez wished his face a Happy Thanksgiving by turning it into a pile of mashed pretty in 2012 and on the right is Gabriel Aubry a few months ago. I know, Olivier Martinez’s fists should really be on death row for permanently beating the hot out of Gabriel’s face and transforming him from an adonis chiseled out of fine porcelain into a child-scaring fug face. Even Quasimodo is looking at Gabriel’s current day mug and saying, “Damn, stay inside, boo.”

Last month, Halle Berry’s lawyer filed papers in court to try to get Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support payment reduced from $16,000 to JUST $3,800. Halle cried that she’s sick of Gabriel mooching off of her and he can easily get his ass a job. Halle argued that $3,800 is enough to take care of their daughter Nahla’s expenses and he can make his own money to pay for his own expenses. Halle and Gabriel have 50/50 custody of Nahla.

TMZ says that Gabriel’s lawyer has clapped back at Halle. Gabriel has tried to get modeling work, but ever since crazy Halle’s crazy piece Olivier Martinez turned his face into a plate of chilaquiles on her driveway 2 years ago, his modeling career has dried up. Gabriel claims that it took 6 months for his face to heal back to normal and he’s only booked 3 modeling jobs since then. TMZ called Gabriel out by posting a picture of his face just a few weeks after it met Olivier’s fist and it looks all healed up. Gabriel never filed a civil suit against Olivier for messing with his hotness. The cops apparently thought at the time that Gabriel started the fight.

Halle’s lawyer also spit out a list of expenses that Gabriel uses Nahla’s child support cash on and argues that he can pay for all of this crap himself if he got a job:

Oh, the trials and tribulations of the rich! $740 on “Fitness“? Are the barbels he uses made out of solid gold? Is his personal trainer Jodie Marsh? Does he go to Equinox, because I’m pretty sure their monthly membership fee is a vital organ and or the deed to your soul. The $700 on health insurance makes sense. Gabriel has to get one of those premium plans, because his health and face are in danger as long as Olivier Martinez is still around.

But seriously, Gabriel’s money situation is worse than I thought. That $1,100 a month on furniture and electronics tells me that he might be getting his shit from a Rent-A-Center type place. MAN DOWN CODE 10. I really hope the judge sees that, immediately strikes down CrazyAsHelle Berry’s request and raises Gabriel’s monthly child support payment. Because none of us should be able to sleep at night knowing that Gabriel Aubry might be sleeping on a bed from Rent-A-Center!