So You Moved Into A Haunted House

I recently had the pleasure of sitting completely slumped down with a bag of popcorn resting on my tummy while watching the almost oppressively bland remake of Poltergeist. I don’t even think I could hammer out a coherent review of the movie because I didn’t know half the characters names, and it was quite frankly one of the most forgettable movies I’ve ever seen. So instead of reviewing a bad movie about a haunted house, I’m going to supply you with a practical guide for how to deal with your own poltergeist

1. Try to be bros with the ghost

So you’ve moved into a house, all your stuff is unpacked and you’re relaxing on the couch with a delicious ice cream sundae when all of a sudden your kitchen table is hovering in the air and a guttural disembodied voice is shrieking threats at you. What are you to do? Well you already have a fixed rate mortgage and all your mail is being forwarded to your new address so you should probably try to go with the ghostly flow.

Try to be friendly to your new spectre, try including it in conversations you have with yourself, maybe ask what it wants to watch on Netflix. Try using a Oujia board to try and find out some fun facts about your new roomie!

Is your ghost a restless spirit of a young boy that died of consumption in the early 1900’s? Get some old tymey dolls and maybe one of those bikes with the huge big wheel for him to tool around on. Is your ghost a disgruntled man who committed suicide after losing it big in the stock market bust of the 1980s? try leaving some cocaine around for him to snort and play some Mike and the Mechanics for him. Have fun with it!

Think about it, which kind of ghost would you rather have: one that makes the walls bleed or one that floats a beer to you after a rough day at work?

This is the best, and first plan of attack. If this fails and your ghost is decidedly unbro like, move on to the second plan of attack

2. Reverse psychology

If the ghost gets a reaction out of you everytime it makes your taps drip blood or makes the hall closet empty into an abyss the size of which is immeasurable, the ghost will keep upping the ante because it’s getting positive reinforcement. The idea with this tactic is to act completely unimpressed. The next time he turns your cereal into a writhing pile of maggots, just yawn and give criticism. “how gauche” “hands popping out of the floor as if to pull me directly to hell, again?” “faceless ghouls appearing in the mirror whispering to me the very manner in which I will die? Very overplayed” this proves to your ghost that you are the dominant force in the house, and also lets it know that its tricks are extremely lame. The ghost will hopefully be so upset by this that it will move on to frighten an easier target. If this doesn’t work and the ghost keeps ruining your day, there is one final tactic to be used.

3. embrace your inner douchebag

This is a last ditch effort but at its very core the plan is this: act like such an insufferable asshole your ghost will have no other choice but to leave. Such tactics can include but are not limited to:

Blasting “Who let the dogs out?” by The Baha Men continuously

Wonder out loud several times a day “which way to the beach?” while flexing your arms

Eat kale for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Paint “Live. Love. Laugh” on the wall of every room in your house

Exclusively wear sweatpants that have “HOTTIE” emblazoned on the butt

Feel free to use your own tips and tricks, but the ones above have been proven to work on both a haunted plantation in Louisiana and an entire haunted apartment complex that used to be an insane asylum. In both those cases the spirits were so embarrassed they left immediately.

Hopefully these tips will help you deal with the unfortunate haunting you are dealing with! If not, you can always sell your story to Hollywood and move into a new, unhaunted house with the funds. I look forward to seeing a re enactment of your horrible experience in 3D at a theater this summer!