Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Unfortunately, baseball season has
started once again. Another half-year of going to bars and seeing the same
boring game in various uniform colors on ten screens. I’ve often wished
baseball a slow, wretched death but I fear that would take even longer
because it is such a slow, wretched game.

To
get onto a non-baseball issue first, before the game everyone is asked to stand
and remove their hats while the Star-Spangled Banner is performed. Standing
supposedly displays respect and patriotism but therein lies a contradiction:
How can something be patriotic if not everybody can do it? Are people without
legs or who are wheelchair-bound not patriotic? I would think that if something
was to be widely considered patriotic, whoever made up the tradition (yes, it
was simply made up one day) would have chosen something that everyone can do.
Like what? I don't know but I don't have to know because I didn't invent this
meaningless ritual. And the whole standing/sitting debate that's come around is
ridiculous. It doesn't matter whether someone stands, sits, kneels, lies down,
or does jumping-jacks during a song. If love for your country is in your heart,
that's good enough. Stop criticizing athletes for not standing during the
Anthem. If you want to stand, do so. If not, don't. Stop putting so much
emphasis on something that really doesn't matter.

The
hat-removal topic is even more inane but I won't go into it because George Carlin did a much better job discussing it than I ever could.

Anyway,
onto baseball…

My
main gripe with baseball is that action is seldom, thus making the game
seemingly go on for eons:

Batter
steps up to the plate...

He stretches for a bit...

He
demands everyone waits for him…

He
adjusts his batting glove…

He
digs into the dirt...

He's finally ready to bat...

The pitcher stamps his feet on
the ground...

He bends over...

He looks at the catcher's
crotch...

He shrugs off one signal...

Shrugs off another...

He glances at the guy on first
base because he moved an inch…

He
wonders what the guy on third is up to. Better have a look...

He looks back at the catcher's
crotch...

He shrugs off another signal...

Shakes his head yes...

Stands up fully...

Looks at the guy on third, again...

Finally…THE PITCH!!!!!!

Ball one.

And it repeats...

This
mind-numbing routine could be cured simply by each batter getting one pitch. If
the pitcher is good, he'll throw a strike. If the batter is better, he'll get a
hit. One strike, you're out; one ball, you walk; swing and miss and you're out
for the game. Also, allow each team one pitcher per game. No more relief or
closers. If his arm gets injured or tired,
he can throw with the other one, which just might lead to hits. Running! Things
happening! Excitement! This would also potentially prevent a horrible pitchers’
duel. I cannot think of anything less interesting, except…

Our
batter is still at the plate and the count is now 2 balls, 1 strike. We missed
two instances of crotch-looking and who really cares? While the batter removes
then replaces his batting glove for no reason, I’ll take this time to note how
lovely the weather is. Oh, it’s always lovely weather during baseball? Right,
they don’t play in the rain because their obnoxious uniforms may get a tad
muddy or, worse yet, someone might develop a wittle itty bitty case of the
sniffles. But if that happens, he can go on the disabled list along with
players who’ve sprained pinky knuckles or didn’t get their diapers changed
before nap time.

A
little more crotch-looking and we’re at 3 balls, 2 strikes. Wait, is something
about to happen? The count is full so something must happen. And it’s a hit!
The ball goes foul. But a foul ball is a strike so this guy is out, right?
Nope. This can only end one of three ways: 1) There will be a real strike and
the batter will get angry and sit down after wasting ten minutes of everyone’s
time; 2) He will hit the ball and people will have to move; or 3) The pitch
will be outside of the strike zone and this bonehead will get to WALK the
ninety feet to first base. Whatever happens will not be exciting but at least
it won’t be an *intentional walk*. Please don’t make me describe that scenario.

What
bothered me about the whole steroids debate is that if I were to watch
baseball, I’d want to see home runs. I do not care if Curveball Carlos can throw
a ball with such a spin that it dips at the right time, thus resulting in a
swing and/or miss. That fella should go into Physics and invent something
useful with his skill. What I want to see is the insides of a ball smashed out.
I want balls to fly out of the stadium and shatter people's windshields. I WANT
A FINAL SCORE OF BREWERS 53, CARDINALS 45! Let's see some action, people!

Also,
I hate how only one team can score per half-inning. In real sports, one team generally possesses the ball or puck but atany moment the other team can steal it to score for themselves. That's exciting! Baseball, however, is not exciting. How can you watch a team only play
defense? It's like watching one side of a dodgeball game. I propose the team in the field earns a point for pegging a base
runner with the ball. Two points for a face shot. That would surely make Mister
Five-O’clock-Shadow rethink stealing second. Or, once per inning, the catcher
can body-slam the batter to the ground and take his bat, hitting his own team’s
pitch and scoring based on distance. But the batter can fight back- with the bat!
And his cleats! The catcher has all that equipment on anyway; why not use it!?

Alright,
one more- there’s only one umpire! And it’s a one-eyed four-year-old from
Uzbekistan who doesn’t move from shallow left field!

Are
my suggestions practical? I don’t care. I just think baseball should be as
exciting as ESPN’s mindlessly eternal coverage pretends it is…