It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses. [Read more…]

Mr Snell pictured leaving hospital in a wheelchair with his bruises still painfully evident.

This is the face of a hairy man who was beaten up by migrants on his stag night in a notorious East London no-go area for white Christian patriots. Alan Snell, 23 from Blackheath, south London was enjoying his last night of freedom until the point where he became separated from his chums and decided to pop into a takeaway shop in Brick Lane for a vegetable samosa.

Alan takes up the story:

“I’d got my samosas and was just about to bite into one when I found my way barred by three big black blokes. They said I shouldn’t be in Whitechapel because it’s a no-go area where white Christian patriots and Daily Express readers weren’t welcome. I tried to push past them but they set about me, punching me in the face and kicking me.

“I felt sick to my stomach being attacked in my own country by migrants and couldn’t understand why they were picking on me. They blacked my eyes and I had blood in my wee for three days. Thankfully they didn’t steal my phone or my wallet, but they completely ruined my Britain First jacket.

“I shan’t be going there again and that’s a fact. I’ve no idea why I was singled out. This is my country and if I decide to piss outside a mosque that’s my right as a patriotic British citizen. I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of a good kicking by those three big black blokes.

“My fiancee, Jayda, was horrified when we had to postpone the wedding. Of course I’ll be having another stag night, but this time it’ll be in Alabama where big black blokes know their place.”

Widely condemned by the media for turning his back on Sadiq Khan’s London mayoral acceptance speech, Britain First’s leader Paul Golding was keeping a low profile today – but is Golding really a racist? And was his back turning gesture really a protest? Behavioural expert and prominent psychologist Professor Alfred Epstein is convinced there’s a simple explanation for Golding’s bizarre behaviour.

“I’ve studied the tapes and can only conclude that Golding was distracted,” wrote Professor Epstein in the London Journal of Psychology. “There’s a point where – as Sadiq Khan approaches the microphone – an expression of surprise crosses Golding’s face. Something has obviously startled him and distracted him from the main event. My guess is that he saw a squirrel or something similar larking about in a tree outside.

“We know from his history that Golding is a racist – although he denies it – but I’m convinced that the back turning episode wasn’t racially motivated. He lacks the intelligence for starters, which explains his “Ooh look! A squirrel!” moment. There’s no doubt that the gesture will have been seen and misconstrued by right wing nutters as a gesture of defiance, some form of misguided patriotic protest by a devout Christian soldier “defending our cultural heritage” or some such twaddle.

“It wasn’t. He’d spotted a squirrel. That’s all.

“Either way you care to look at it he comes out of this looking a right bellend.”

A Britain First insider exclusively revealed today that the far-right group’s leader, Paul Golding has been advised to lay off the kebabs for a while or run the risk of becoming a really, really, fat bastard. BF members expressed concern over the portly gobshite’s rapidly expanding girth, which can be clearly seen on recently released Britain First clips.

“He’s a bugger for an extra large doner with salad and lashings of garlic sauce,” the insider confided. “He often has two a day and he’s on first name terms with the staff at Ali Bullo’s Kebab and Pizza Grill in Swanley. Jayda’s forever nagging him about being a porker but he takes no notice. It was only when Doctor Hassan warned him to lay off the kebabs, and exercise more or risk getting type 2 diabetes that he started paying attention.”

Kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo commented: “Him come in shop two three times every day. Is good customer but him no really like us. Him smile to face only for kebab – is best in Swanley, but deep in heart him hate us. Is why Mehmet put little extra protein in garlic sauce, if you get what I mean.”

We asked Paul Golding for a comment but one of his minions told us he was out somewhere flogging tat in a shopping centre off a rickety table.

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In a concerted effort to throw off its swivel eyed racist loony image, UKIP have gone to extraordinary lengths to clean up their act, distancing themselves from far right extremist groups and stating repeatedly that they are not a racist party.

But is it working? And are they serious or are they just taking the piss?

It seems that although the party may in fact be serious about making a half baked attempt to make itself more acceptable to the public at large, it doesn’t seem that their hard core supporters adopt that line, with many accusing the party of going soft on issues such as race and Islam.

Given the venom directed at Muslims by so-called UKIP supporters online, support for far right extremist groups such as Pegida and even Britain First, anti-semitic statements and the applauding of acts of violence perpetrated against vulnerable refugees, UKIP’s hard core support appears to be more racist and xenophobic than ever.

Fair minded people accept that the refugee crisis is a problem which needs to be addressed, and that realistically there will be bad people among them, but that’s one for the authorities to sort out, not the foaming at the mouth lynch mobs who seem to crave a modern day Krystalnacht. With no appeal for calm or rational thinking coming from UKIP, one can only assume that the party condone the behaviour of their supporters, because they aren’t taking steps to suggest any otherwise.

One political observer remarked:

“It’s come to a point where anybody with the tiniest thread of human decency is going to go to extraordinary lengths to disassociate themselves with UKIP and with everything UKIP purport to represent, including a Brexit, because they’d be ashamed to admit it. It’s the fault of the party and its hardcore support and not any outside influence that UKIP has become a laughing stock across the length and breadth of the nation.

“The UKIP leadership has been ineffective since last year’s General Election, its finances appear to be at crisis point and its hardcore have repeatedly expressed themselves by posting hate messages on websites, openly supporting far right racist groups and generally making the Nazis appear like a far left tree-hugging group with their vile message.

“Nobody in their right mind would support such nonsense. When they were described by David Cameron as a bunch of swivel eyed loonies, the PM hit it right on the money, and he’s a bacon faced twat at the best of times, yet it’s a perfect illustration of how UKIP really are a bunch of shithouses.”

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

The extreme right political party Britain First were yesterday celebrating a decisive victory in its bid to take our country back, when an estimated 600,000 flag bearing marchers took to the streets of Burton On Trent in Staffordshire protesting the proposed opening of a mosque in the town. According to a Britain First spokesperson BF supporters flocked from all corners of the UK in support of their anti-Islamic message.

“It was a fantastic turn out today,” announced a fat bloke with a megaphone. “Our officials lost count of the numbers at the 600,000 mark when the batteries failed on our Knights Templar calculator. It’s great news for Britain First, and what’s more it means I won’t have to resort to flogging cheap tat out of a suitcase like Del Boy out of Only Fools And Horses. We do it all online these days.”

“It sent a shiver down my spine seeing so many flag-waving patriotic Brits in one place at one time,” said a man drinking Special Brew straight from the can. who identified himself as Wellard Harry from Brentwood, Essex. “I reckon they’ve underestimated the attendance in the official figures. If you ask me it was nearer to a million.”

The march started out from a car park in the town and went largely unnoticed as the throng was escorted by the police through some back streets to another car park where a Britain First speaker got hysterical over something or other and the crowd lapped it up.

However, the wife of a serving Staffordshire police officer had a slightly different view. “My old man hates pulling duty like this ‘event,'” she told us. “He says it’s basically just babysitting a bunch of idiots with nothing better to do, wasting public money and police time and resources that could have been better utilised elsewhere. The bottom line is that these people are a bunch of deluded arseholes with nothing better to do. And there weren’t 600,000 there at all. Somebody somewhere is telling porkies.”

Local resident Steve Tyhurst who heard about the march but didn’t actually see it told us: “I don’t get what they’re about, unless it’s just to do with getting donations off stupid people. If they want to fight they should join the army. Although the army probably wouldn’t have them because they’re too old, too fat, and they’d probably fail the entry level intelligence test.”

A local councillor who asked that his name be withheld told us: “They’re claiming 600,000 attended? Definitely not. When they wave flags it gives the impression from a distance that there’s a lot more of them, which is a bit of a con really. There certainly wasn’t that number on show. In fact I think I can safely say that you could have rounded them up and got them on a single decker bus. They do have a tendency to exaggerate.”

Unprecedented demand for the first edition of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, since the Paris massacre a week ago has resulted in an unprecedented print run of 2 million copies, one of which we brought back to London in the early hours of this morning. The 16 page edition continues the exuberant and anarchic tradition of the magazine, and to our surprise, one person who was chomping at the bit to read it was Britain First member Conan Templar.

“It’s anti-Muslamic innit?” Templar said as he examined the magazine. “That’s what it’s all about. Anything that’s anti-Muslamic is okay by me. I’m with Charlie Hebdo all the way, and wiv all them Frenchies what come out on the anti-Muslamic march on Sunday. Fair play to the old snail scoffers – they ain’t ‘avin’ it no more. ‘S a pity more of our own people aren’t filled up wiv the courage of their connections. We needs to make a stand and take our country back. Like wot the Frenchies are doin.’ They showed what they’re all abaht on Sunday – patriotism – not sittin’ abaht like hippies singing bladdy John Lydon peace songs.”

As Templar tucked into a pie n mash breakfast washed down with a mug of builder’s tea, his expression changed radically as he thumbed through the Charlie Hebdo magazine.

“What’s this crap?” Templar spluttered. “It’s all in bladdy foreign innit! Bladdy Frenchies! What’s up wiv ’em? Don’t they speak ‘er Majesty the Queen’s bleedin’ English or wot? This is no use to me Chief – can’t understand a bleedin’ word of it. Might as well be in hydroponics as far as I’m concerned. What a load of old shit!”

At which point our reporter made his excuses and left.

In the brave tradition of Sky News we can’t show you the cover of this edition of Charlie Hebdo because it would be irresponsible and we don’t want nutters with guns coming after us.

In related news, both Britain First and Fox News have been nominated as ‘Best New Comedy Act’ in the Perrier awards at the Edinburgh Festival.

A spokesman claiming to represent right wing extremist group Britain First today claimed that BF had rejected offers of eternal kinship from the Islamic State. In a carefully prepared statement, the alleged ‘spokesman’ told anyone who’d listen as he shouted from a bullhorn in London’s Trafalgar Square:

“Britain First was approached via an email in the early hours of Wednesday requesting that we ought to align with the Islamic State in a gesture of global brotherhood.

“Britain First totally reject any such overture. We have nothing in common with ISIS. All they seem to want is to establish a state based on their own ideology, with complete disregard for anyone who disagrees with their extreme viewpoints. They are prepared to perpetrate extreme violence, sectarianism, forcing women to make the tea – and that is distinctly not what Britain First is all about. We don’t go around telling people what to do, and chopping their heads off if they disagree with us. At least – not just yet. And anyway – they’re foreigners. We are working in the interests of our fellow patriots in rejecting these overtures – next thing is they’ll be coming over here stealing our benefits and taking council houses off deserving British drug addicts, and we’re not having that.”

The alleged spokesman repeated the statement several times to a crowd of bewildered Japanese tourists, until a pigeon shat on his head and he beat a hasty retreat towards the Strand whilst shouting a stream of colourful expletives.