See, they’re into “re-purposing places below street level” so they can meet “seven of the United Nations’ sustainable development goals.” [How do you spell the sound a raspberry makes? Never mind, I’ll get the video.]

Anyway, living underground like moles will protect us from the “severe weather Climate Change is expected to spark”–expected by whom? By schmendricks who believe this bunk. Going underground will slow down the loss of farmland–farmland that gets paved over by the same corrupt politicians who are serving us this environmental pap, richly seasoned with hypocrisy. And we can stuff all our cars underground, too! Because cars–at least cars owned by us peasants–are so baaaaad! “Cars are killing cities,” prattle the experts. Wrong, bozo. The jerks who govern the cities are killing the cities.

So then, boys and girls, all the lib’rals went underground to live, and over thousands of years, the magic of Evolution turned them into Morlocks! And then they came out of hiding and ate the defenseless Eloi people–breakfast, lunch, and supper! And the moral of the story is, The Experts Are Always Right! Now eat your roach milk cakes, or we’ll have to report you to The Party…

This is the brand-new Tyrannosaurus reconstruction at the American Museum of Natural History in New York–complete with feathers. Scientists “know” T. rex had feathers because “closely related species” about a twentieth his size have left fossils with traces of something that might be feathers. So that’s how they “know.”

Sorry, I’m not buying this. For one thing, it looks shabby–more like a “winosaur” than a “dinosaur.” I mean, really, Turok Son of Stone would’ve laughed himself silly if he ever saw a Tyrannosaur that looked like a worn-out feather duster. Or a worn-out 1960s celebrity trying to make a comeback on a 1990s TV talk show.

Oh, well… If you can’t idly speculate about dinosaurs, what can you idly speculate about?

Make it idle enough and you just might win a chair at a prestige university.

Like this:

My wife and I like watching videos of prehistoric animals. Usually we can just tune out the Evolution just-so story that accompanies the video, if the visuals are cool enough.

So we settled down on Youtube to watch Morphed: Before They Were Bears.

Apart from the initial absurdity of declaring that life arose from non-living materials, purely by chance, it rained on de rocks and de rocks come alive, doo-dah, doo-dah, we were treated to unbearable nonsense about… bears. It seems that whenever prehistoric bears encountered some kind of environmental challenge, they wisely considered what they would need and then proceeded to evolve it.

Oh, boy! Whoever said there’s no quality control on Youtube wasn’t kidding!

So, ya see, the giant panda needed an opposable thumb so he could hold on to the bamboo while he was eating it, but the digits he already had were spoken for, so he just, like, went ahead and evolved one of his wrist bones into a kind of thumb… and what he was eating while waiting for his magical thumb to evolve, who knows? If it takes millions of years for revolutionary new body parts to evolve, how does the species last long enough to benefit by it? Or if it happens real fast, then how come no naturalist or farmer or zoo-keeper or pet owner has ever observed it?

This doesn’t even rise to the level of crapola. We couldn’t make it halfway through this video before we had to turn it off.

Darwinism wouldn’t last another ten days if there weren’t such a deep political investment in it by the Left.

We’d love to check this story, but there are so many unanswered questions. What was this scientist’s name? Where did he report his findings? How does anybody wind up with a pet jellyfish? I mean, I’m sure they’re nice and all that, but I never heard of anyone keeping a jellyfish for a pet. What would you name it? Oh–and what was this guy doing, hanging on to the “degraded body” of a jellyfish for three months?

But wait, there’s more!

Scientists at Harvard have discovered a “DNA switch that controls genes for whole-body regeneration,” suggesting it might someday lead to people being able to re-grow lost arms or legs. Uh-uh. They have discovered this gene in worms. Worms are great at growing stuff back. It can also be found in human beings, but we’re not so great at growing stuff back. Not so much as a finger.

Even so, regeneration is the great humanist hope of immortality–that, or loading your mind into a robot. Once they work out the details, George Soros and Nancy Pelosi can stick around and screw up our country for another 700 years. No corrupt rich person will ever have to die!

I think Robert Silverberg wrote a science fiction novel about that, back in the 1950s, but I’m running too late to look it up.

See, the dead astronaut, besides being instantly transformed into a reliable Democrat voter, will have a body full of microbes; and when they find themselves on a lifeless planet orbiting another star, why, they’ll just naturally start evolving! Maybe by the time we’ve figured out how to get a spaceship there without the astronauts dying on the way, they’ll have evolved their own Soupy Sales.

Uh, dude! Didn’t you say Evolution, like, takes millions and billions of years for a microbe to Evolve into, say, one of those fish-things? Like, who wants to wait that long to see if your experiment works?

Babylonian scientists have invented a way for you to learn incredibly complex and difficult things in just a matter of minutes.

“If only we’d had this way back when, our civilization would still be here!” exclaimed project director Dr. Nebuchadnezzar McCoy, professor of Twiddling Studies at Humbaba University. “We could have had air traffic controllers and airline pilots before we had airplanes!”

The way it works is “simple,” he said. “We just slide a cassette into your head and it transfers the information directly to your brain–hardly takes any time at all. The only tricky part is making the slot in your skull in such a way that nothing falls out.”

Dr. McCoy credits student Sharezer Shubbalub with the original idea for the project, which he first tested on the fish in his mother’s aquarium. “Imagine his surprise,” said McCoy, “nay, his sheer astonishment, when suddenly he had a neon tetra who knew all about organic chemistry! I mean, it’s just like one of those computer whaddaya-callums–you know, you stick ’em into the computer somewhere and it like does something or other.”

But young Mr. Shubbalub is modest. “If I hadn’t figured this out, somebody else would’ve,” he said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t an Assyrian. This is the kind of achievement that could only belong to a Babylonian.”

“It could be the start of a complete comeback for our whole civilization,” added Dr. McCoy.

A Northwestern scientist is currently researching the project, which he expects will lead to some people having IQs of around 200. To hear him tell it, it’ll be easy: the chip gives your brain an Internet connection, it goes to Wikipedia, “and when I think this particular thought, it gives me the answer.” That is, it gives you the ability to spit out whatever is on Wikipedia. If you don’t understand what you’re parroting, so what? Wikipedia is never wrong!

The scientist, says the CBS nooze article, is “collaborating with Silicon Valley bigwigs he’d rather not name.” Is that supposed to reassure us? Silicon Valley bigwigs are never wrong, either! They’d never, never, never do anything but what was really, truly good for us. And did I mention that I am the Sultan of Swat?

He’s being cagey about potential societal prombles cropping up if the few people who can afford it get brain chips and become superintelligent while the rest of us are left behind. But the price would be bound to come down if they figured out how to serve them up as breakfast cereal.

From “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” to “Brain Chips for Genius!” doesn’t seem like that big a jump.

As long as we’re talking alternate reality, I simply must put in a word for the jackalope.

Skeptics say the jackalope’s not real–but pictures don’t lie! Jackalopes proliferate–am I allowed to use that word? it looks a lot like “pro-life”–during periods of Global Warming and Hate Speech, thriving on Income Inequality, Nationalism, and Transphobia. This is settled science, so everybody just shut up about it.

I think I might have seen one at our supermarket this morning, just as it ducked out of sight near the Easter candy display. Then again, it might have just been a store employee tidying the shelves.