In a hastily convened press conference this morning, renowned civil rights leaders Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson confessed to harboring racist attitudes themselves, something they were admittedly quick to fault in others. Both Sharpton and Jackson made brief, prepared statements before admitting themselves to the Rush Limbaugh Treatment Center in Cape Girardeau, Missouri.

Al Sharpton was the first to speak. “I always knew that anybody opposing Barack Obama for any reason was a racist. The only reason anybody spoke up at a town hall meeting to oppose health care reform was because Obama is black, period. Then it hit me."

~

"I realized that I had opposed George W Bush for eight straight years, and that he's white. That made me think maybe I've got problems, too," Sharpton said. "I looked in the mirror, and I didn't like what I saw staring back at me. I said, 'Al, you're nothing but a low down bigoted racist.' I called Brother Jesse here and told him, 'Jesse, we ain't nothing but frauds. We're just as wrong as everybody else we call racist.'"

Jesse Jackson nodded tearfully in the background, and advanced to the mike. "It's true. Sad, but true," said Mr. Jackson. "You know how bad it was? Every time I met with Bill Clinton, I would say to myself, 'You know, he's really a white boy. He's no more black than George W Bush or Condoleezza Rice.' I should've seen it then, but I was too blind to see my own faults. It was hard to say it, real hard, but once I admitted I was a racist, an extortionist, and a philanderer I started to feel better. I felt hope begin to dawn in my soul for the first time since Selma."

Mr. Jackson attempted to lead his audience in his famous Keep Hope Alive chant, but was overcome with emotion and unable to continue.

Some expressed skepticism about the apparent change of heart.

Addressing his congregation later in the afternoon, Minister Farrakhan stated his theory that, "George W Bussshhhhh has kidnapped Brothers Sharpton and Jackson. He has teleported them to Room 19, yes, 19, in the government section of the Mother Wheel where his father, former CIA director George HW Bussshhhhh, and a team of Israeli scientists have exposed them to the AIDS virus. Now take the letter 'I' two times, because there are two Bussshhhhs, and the letter 'V' and put them together and you get the letter 'W'. That means that George HW Bussshhhh may be read as George HIV Bussshhhh! The Bussshhhhs then reteleported Brothers Sharpton and Jackson back to earth at 7:19pm which is 19:19 in 24 hour time. Now, '24' is a television show that features a white man who controls America.

Obama: I will personally answer any and all prayers made on their behalf.

Sharpton and Jackson were then seen 19 feet away from the Rush Limbaugh Treatment Center which proves, yes proves, that George W Bussshhhh means to wipe out the black race with the HIV virus, and steal all of the oil in Libya from Brother Khadafy."

"Change is hard," said a supportive President Obama, "and that's what I've been saying consistently all along. Let me be clear, we are willing to go to any length necessary, even if it means bombing Israel or invading Pakistan, to make sure that these men get the best treatment other people's money can buy."

"I will personally answer any and all prayers made on their behalf," Obama added.

Sharpton and Jackson will undergo an intense regimen of sensitivity training to help them overcome their innate bigotry against whites, and are scheduled to be released in 30 days.

Indeed, Comrade Jackson was shown a brief glimpse of the Department of Temporary Temporal Realities. Unfortunately, he wasn't wearing his rose colored glasses, and the shear amount of information nearly blew his mind away. Much more effective than a Jiffi-Lobo, but it unfortunately gives the wrong people access to information they shouldn't have.

How gracious of our Dear Leader to answer The People's prayers, all while conducting The People's important business of bringing the "World Games" to the hometown of the World Leader.

It is so refreshing to see Lord Obama utilizing his community organizing skills on a global stage for such issues of symbolic importance. Had this been the previous administration El Presidente Bush would have let such an opportunity pass by, focusing on irrelevant issues like Iranian nukes, Afghan resistance, and cutting The People's taxes.

Any word on Jessie's earlier surgical threat to remove The Messiah's sexual organ?

I have it from an inside source that upon the good Rev's attempt to conduct such a procedure he learned that the Dear Leader was already lacking them. It has yet to be determined when and where the previous removal occured, or whether our Dear Leader simply failed to attach any upon his creation of.........himself. Nonetheless, now that "Change" has arrived and passivity is now our foreign policy the need for any "nuts" will only be necessary at the occasional beer summit.

El Presidente, Nice to see you are back from your secret mission er, short trip to take care of The People's Business(TM).

Hail Obama!

Awww, Yes. Thank You Comrade Red. After exposing my opposition to the Dear Leader's Health-Scare plan I was relocated to Camp-Obama for my re-education. You may have seen me, as I was one of the proud voices singing praise upon Lord Obama in a recently released video. MMMMM, MMMMM, MMMMMM Barack Hussain Obama!

hai, this always amuses me... you know, when minorities attack. black...white...white...black...mexican...who cares. you all are inferior species to the super race of nihonjin. it's like watching akkachan fight in the dirt over a rice cake in the shadow of a laughing samurai. it means nothing. american high school math scores are only better than south africa where they use bundles of sticks as calculators and flat rocks as paper. nihonjin can make commador 64 small enough for any arab to fit in anus and control improvised explosive devise. and if it wasn't for two giant explosions over home land caused by capitalist evil, Well, you'd be working harder With a gun in your back For a bowl of rice a day Slave for soldiers Till you starve Then your head is skewered on a stake Now you can go where people are one Now you can go where they get things done. it would have been a holiday in...

anyways, i digress... where was i? ummm... osakegaoishidesu.

hai, shiteimasukane. america should keep this in mind, a small quote from slightly intelligent black man named walter williams. "today, white bigots are no longer respected by the white population, and i look forward to the day that black bigots are no longer respected by the black population". currently blacks and whites are not respected by any japanese, because we are better than you. hai, we've come to a concensus, discussion over. you will be deemed racists for any disagreeable comments regarding our superiority. either that or sharp end of katana.

Hai, is tokyo still in running for olympics? ...in spite of our close american ties and the black presidents failure?

I'm shocked, shocked! to find you recklessly alluding to a line from that decadent corrupt capitalist propaganda piece Airplane in which a young white girl puts off her would-be white suitor by announcing, "I take my coffee black, like my men." Released in 1980, it's downright Reaganite!

I thought this was a heresy-free site.

Did both men consult with Mick Jagger for input? His progressive racive transgressive hit "Brown Sugar" is full of soul, or at least filet of sole.

What!?! I am not bilind. Look into my eye, do I look blind to you? Oh wait, *sniff*sniff*.... yes, I smell that, it seems the Colonel has been spiking my Punch with vodka again. It is ever clear that something foul has gone amiss... hmmmm... I must report this indecency to Party Headquarters at once! Thank you comrade, Leninka.

Personally I would suggest taking a trip to the Westin Grand in Vancouver. That was were I had my first, er, straight sex dream and it was with dear Janeane Gawdawfulo. I had thought that the entire output of the Bombay Gin distillery would not have been enough but lo an behold, my first night in Canada and Gawdawfulo pops up.

I wonder. Had I stayed there a whole month, would I have been fantasizing, or fantasising, about Baba Boxer?

RR, there isn't enough Jiffi-Lobo on earth for Baba Boxer. If I'd had the Jiffi-Lobo doctor give me a super-sized trepanation, scoop out three #3 scoops, and fill the hole with Everclear, it wouldn't be enough for Baba Boxer.

Sorry to arrive late Komrades. I'm always late to these discussions due to Imperialist Time difference to Down Under. Plus I've been swooning at our own dear leader's Krudd's achievements in convincing G20 leaders that he is immensely intelligent and likeable and able to save the world from carbon emissions.

Where was I? Oh yes. I was mislead by the very cunning title of Red's post. When it mentioned Sharpton and Jackson "own racism" I presumed it meant they actually own it, as in they have taken over the rights to the whole concept of racism as intellectual property.

Of course, this appealed to me since Komrades Sharpton, Jackson, Wright et al have always owned it by default, and it seemed fitting they would eventually claim it officially. After all, we are not officially racist until these oppressed minorities tell us we are.

But to find the real substance of Red's post was really quite disturbing. Surely these Komrades have been brainwashed as brother Farrakhan says. Unless there is some kind of political expedience to be had from their revelation. In which case that's okay.

I think the closing facial expression is correctly described as "crestfallen."

Comrades,

I am puzzled. Here we have two authentic People of the Sun (Yo! Toni!) confessing to owning racism. Viewed over the course of the year, the Sun shines equally on all people, yet I am a Person of the Boreal Sun (perhaps some of you are of the Austral Sun) and this has left me pale, bitter, gun-clutching, Wal*Mart-shopping, and racist to the point of not even knowing or practicing it.

Only through the piercing and tanning light of the Red Star of Marxism/Leninism/Multiculturalism will all become equally burnt to a crisp to be battered and basted for redistributive consumption.

RR, there isn't enough Jiffi-Lobo on earth for Baba Boxer. If I'd had the Jiffi-Lobo doctor give me a super-sized trepanation, scoop out three #3 scoops, and fill the hole with Everclear, it wouldn't be enough for Baba Boxer.

EVERCLEAR!

Theocritus, a GONG went off in my head when I read that!

I haven't heard that word since--since--well, I think I may have sipped some of that stuff when I was in the military. I don't remember it too clearly as it was so long ago--there must have been half as many rings around the tree trunk as there are today--but I do remember something about Everclear and MD 20/20, and the others remarking on how much more outgoing I was than usual, and this one guy's sexagenarian mother was there and everyone thought they'd have to behave and clean up their language, until she told dirty jokes about Santa Claus that even I can't repeat.

I do know I had some MD 20/20 (tasted like grape juice) but not sure about the Everclear; maybe they just talked about it. Or maybe the fact I'm foggy about it means I had it.

Theocritus, you said that word and it was like the Charles Bronson movie where the guy walks up to people and starts reciting some poem, and they snap into a trance, march off, and blow up stuff.

Oh, no, Pinkie, don't blow up Betinov's jar! In every Swiss post office and public building the ranking colonel of the Swiss Army's picture is up there.

I'm planning on putting up Betinov's picture on the wall of every Jiffi-Lobo. We need Betinov's jar.

As for the Everclear, some kids in high school managed to get some of that. I did not partake--I was a goody-two-shoes then, and in college. It was only later, when I figured out what I wanted to do, and coincidentally had an AmEx card to make it a lot easier, and hugely safer, did I start to cut up now.

Have you considered that we have by definition never heard of the perfect crime?

Everclear is a key ingredient of electric Jello: just replace the water with Everclear. You'll be so juiced won't even need electricity, thus saving the planet and countless lives. And surely I need not note that grain alcohol comes from Gaia's booty bounty.

Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh...wait a minute. Blow up. Damn. There goes another fantasy.

Everclear was a key ingredient in one of our favorite grad school libations, named for the physical reaction inevitably accompanying the first few gulps: Hunch Punch.

1. Take one igloo cooler, preferably clean.2. Pour in several fifths of assorted white liquors.3. Slice a dozen navel oranges crosswise, drop into liquor mix4. Add packets of any fruit flavored koolaid until it is very red.5. Add sugar to taste.6. Pour in at least two pints of Everclear.7. Mix with a non-metalic stirring stick8. Dip out with a pint solo cup, pour over ice. Drink. Repeat.9. Crouch on Bill's coffee table across from Sims, chanting Scottish war ballads while playing with a skean dubh.10. Explain the next day that you have a huge bandage made from paper towels and duct tape around your left hand because you now have a new blood brother. So does Sims (both bandage and brotherhood).

[justify]Comrades! It just hit me, that any criticism of His 0liness is racism... You see, with some exceptions, a person of the same race can criticize another without being racist. But His 0liness is half-White and half-Black, which means, nobody, who is against him, is exempt from being accused of racism (and thus of actually being racist).[/justify]That's what makes His 0liness such a great The One and Only G.O.D. Resistance is futile...

Perhaps Jesse Jackson can criticize him--but Jackson is only one fourth white. Does that mean that 3/4 of Jackson's insults can be directed at whites?

When Jackson said he wanted to cut his nuts off, does that mean that he can cut off only 1.5 nuts? Or is one of His O'liness's nuts white and the other black? Meaning that if Jackson cuts off the wrong nut, i.e., the white one and only half the black nut, there will be problems.

But mi, there is a problem. White people are always guilty of everything. All the time. If you're not white and you have a bad hair day then Albert Einstein, who died in 1955, is guilty.

I have a bit of a problem with that latter bit. He was white and probably had the occasional bad haircut, but Alger Hiss was innocent. Anyone who says otherwise is a running dog imperialist lackey. And racist.

You know that the Venona files were complete lies, don't you? Because they said disobliging things. The first rule for progressives is this:[center]If you don't like it, it's not true.[/center]This is how the Legacy Media and MSNBC work.

Now pardon me while I lie on the floor and kick my heels against it and screech.

I like first rules, especially if they're only rules, the violation of which reserves one a room at La Cabaña for a stay of indeterminate length. It's like the Cuban version of the Hotel California: "You can check in, but you can never leave." Append "alive."

Natural supplements ought to be banned. After all, we won't need alternative medical remedies once every one is under the care of ever so knowledgeable doctors, like Dr. H.M. whom I went to see for a digestive issue. She was assigned to me under the health care plan we were under (why bother giving patients choices?).

Now, granted, she was from India, and her English was difficult to understand, and she didn't seem too concerned about my stomach, but she was ever so concerned about making sure I had an extra dose of radiation from a mammogram, and she must have told me at least three times "You need to come in to have your vulva examined." Yes "vulva." Those were her words. She was concerned about my "vulva." Never mind that she was not a gynecologist. Hey, she was jack of all trades. She knew everything from vulvas to nipples.

Oh, and the remedy I finally found for 12 years of indigestion, trips to the emergency rooms, and one doctor after another? It was live culture yogurt, which a banker (also from India) taught me how to make. After three months of eating it, I stopped wasting away and gained 25 pounds. It really was wonderful to eat a piece of bread, or a little bit of salad again.

Ouch. I didn't know that I was blessed, if that is what it is, with a metabolism which means that I only have to look at something and I put on weight. To diet it's 1500 calories a day, and telling myself that I cannot have anything that I want. And I can eat anything. Dad is a mesomorph and can eat anything and not put on weight. But I'm my mother's son.

But he loves math; I majored in it. Mom loved words. And so do I. Dad 83 had a full head of hair. I buzz mine to cover (cough cough) the male pattern baldness. Well, at least I don't have trouble making sense of the world.

If I do. But don't tell me if I don't. Success is not knowing when you're crazy.

An alert reader Perry emailed me this joke which he claims to be his own. Well, not anymore, after it has entered the collective consciousness.

Perry

Approaching the end of his presidency, George W. Bush worked with the Democrat-controlled Congress on a law giving a one-time $250,000 reparations payment to each black American descended from slaves. Democrats naturally supported it wholeheartedly, and Bush convinced barely enough Republicans so it would pass: "Just trust me." But even those Republicans couldn't stomach Bush's proud announcement that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were invited to the signing ceremony.

So there was the trio in the Oval Office, surrounded by White House staff and the press. Jesse was calculating how many child support payments his share would cover, and Al was daydreaming of a hamburger run. Bush signed the bill and then asked the two, "Do you happen to have your checkbooks with you today?" Jesse and Al looked at Bush quizzically and simultaneously said, "What do you mean?"

Bush replied, "Well, I guess you never read the key amendment that Republicans put in. Reparations will be paid out after deducting the costs of welfare, housing projects and other federal social spending for black Americans, and after giving reparations to descendants of Union Army men who died in the Civil War. Rather than receive $250,000, the GAO calculates that each black American instead owes $39,165."

Jesse blurted out, "That's ridiculous! I was never on welfare. Why should I pay for something that never involved me?"

Al blew up, "Yeah, and why should money go to the descendants who were never hurt themselves?"

I just heard on Faux News tonight that the Dems are attempting to minimalize and vilify Faux News by calling it an arm of the Republican Party. What must they think of the Cube? Before they are finished, they will be herding us into concentration camps-no, just kidding.

Comrade Theocritus,

I rather like being plump. Beats emaciated any day. But even so, at my age, it seems like 200 calories can be enough to put on even more.

On my recent trip I calculated that I ate over 20 fine-dining meals. Which never try to minimize calories. They do however do portion control so it wasn't bad. But back here at the Rancho it's no dessert for months, very limited olive oil, and virtually no carbs.

Comrade Contessa was arrested after the show, and is to be tried as a Hate Criminal. After her quick trial she will be sent to Race sensitivity camp, where she will wear a sign around her neck, and be forced to listen to speeches by Comrade Jeremiah Wright, Dear Leader's great uncle and mentor for a week about the evils of "white privilege".

The citizenry is encouraged to point and yell 'shame, shame, shame' at Contessa for her own good until she realizes that it is a crime to insult great leaders like Comrade Jackson.

If Comrade Contessa was working at the wicked FAUX NOISE she would have been shot on the spot, but because Comrade Contessa was on Obama State run media her punishment will be light.

How times have changed. I still recall Lee Atwater calling the Reverend Jackson an "Afro-turf toilet plunger." And J. C. Watts, the black congressman from Oklahoma, called him, "a race-hustling poverty pimp."

That comment is no doubt what caused Atwater's death, but J. C. Watts is still alive.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand