MMORPGs Are A Lot Like Women

They drive men crazy. They infuriate and infatuate us. They make us feel the heights of pleasure and desire and take us to depths of despair and jealousy. Yes, MMORPGs are a lot like women.

Sexist and chauvinistic, I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it.

Everquest

EQ is your mother. She raised you and weened you, instilling you with concepts and morals. Although you’ve flown the coop now and moved on with your life to explore the great world that awaits, she will always remain close to your heart and the first woman you ever loved. Sometimes though, just sometimes, you’re filled with strange Freudian urges towards her.

Star Wars: Galaxies

You had a crush on his girl in high school for years, always hoping that one day you could hook up together. Eventually that day came and it was the most highly anticipated night of your life. Clumsy, fiddly, and awkward, it wasn’t quite what you expected but you enjoyed it none-the-less. After a brief romance, you both called it off for a while but with every intention of rekindling the affair in the near future. However, the next time you met her, you discovered she’d had a hideous face transplant.

Age of Conan

The sultry temptress you met whilst on a drinking binge in Mexico. Passionate, fiery and beautiful, she showed you delights you’d never thought of before. However, after a hot and steamy holiday romance, you discovered that you both had absolutely nothing in common and conversation was as dry and dull as an African riverbed. You soon returned home, only ever occasionally wondering ‘what if’.

EVE Online

Eve is the smart, intelligent, plain looking girl who works in the library. You never fancied her before but all of your friends told you she was capable of the most rewarding relationship ever possible and completely uncompromising in bed to boot. Difficult to woe, impossible to understand yet appealing in every way, this girl is a puzzle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma. One day, maybe one day, you hope to tame the savage beast that is her heart.

World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft is your wife. Maybe not the hottest woman in the land but she’s perfect to you in every way and fulfills your every need. Loyal, loving and caring, you couldn’t ask for a better companion and you know you should feel blessed. Yet still, every once in a while, you find yourself lying awake at night, fantasising over the buxom 19 year old cheerleader you saw the other day.

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Although, at this point, personally I would say that World of Warcraft is your first wife, she was everything you wanted until you figured out what it was you really wanted. Single now, you still keep in contact with her and occasionally flirt with the idea of getting back together for good, but you know that it won’t be any different than before, so you don’t and keep your eyes open for the one that will really fit.

I think Guild Wars would be the cousin that you fancy and kissed behind the bike sheds once but you know that a long term relationship is impossible as your kids would be the warped by-product of an incestious relationship.

I wouldn’t even consider that sexist, really. Given that it’s from a male perspective on relationships with women, it’s simply calling out the differences in how he (or other men) might relate to members of the opposite sex.

I thought it was brilliant, Gordon. I want a follow-up post about how MMOs relate to the male-sided relationships now. Warhammer Online is a perfect relation to that over-indulgent college buddy.

[...] had the opportunity to read a seriously funny post by Gordon of the We Fly Spitfires blog about how MMOs are a lot like women. Amusingly enough, this is actually something I’ve riffed on with friends before. I [...]

Nicely done and very funny! Very refreshing to see MMO blog authors like yourself who aren’t afraid to be politically incorrect.

(The whole “ism” industry is a “make work” project created by self-serving college professors who then indoctrinate their naive students into the evils of said “isms” and force them to see everything through the rigid prism of “equality”.)

Thanks! I didn’t think it was particuarly sexiest but I preempted any complaints but admiting it was sexiest and chauvinistic right at the start I wasn’t trying to be anti-PC or anything like that… it just amused me

[...] MMORPGs Are A Lot Like Women With a shadow of a doubt, this is my most favourite article that I’ve written so far. I was worried that it would be misconstrued as being sexiest or some such when it was released but the feedback was both tremendous and overwhelming. I’m so glad so many people got as much of a laugh out of reading it as I did writing it. [...]

Who am I?

Gordon was born on the mean-streets of suburban Holland and learned to fist fight without remorse in steel cage matches at an early age. He now lives in Edinburgh with his wife and their imaginary Nigerian bodyguard, Mr Itunu.