Djesus Trump

Ever since Donald trump won the elections there has been a lot of talk about how unprecedented this is. Some even call it the beginning of the end of the world. And it very well might be. Being a catholic (not a devout one anymore) I found a great joy in this news because if it meant the end of the world then Jesus would come back to earth for sure anytime soon.

However as I delved deeper I faced a rather darker truth. Jesus might already be here. Jesus might just be Donald Trump. Allow me to explain. As I attempt to explain this, the lord has attempted to strike me down by a severe bout of loose bowels, but as a true atheist would do I am here trying to make my point as always.

The Reason for Existence

Jesus was here to fulfil the scriptures of ancient Jews in the Old Testament. Of course at that time it was just the testament until Jesus came around and made it the Old Testament. Jesus kept dropping hints all his life that he was the messiah but people were too thick headed to get the connection and killed him instead.

Donald Trump might not have any scriptures to fulfill, but he is here to fulfill the scripts of ‘The Simpsons’. The diligence with which his campaign has followed The Simpsons makes me almost question your own reality. Don’t tell me that secretly or openly, you don’t want to kill Donald Trump.

Fascination with Building Stuff

Jesus was enthusiastic about building stuff. He once went to a famous Jewish temple and was disappointed with the work done. He was furious when he heard it took more than 30 years to build. He famously declared “I will tear down this building and rebuild it in 3 days.”

His press team (read: disciples) had to cover this goof up saying he was talking of his body being a temple. But we now know better don’t we?

Donald Trump famously said, “I am going to build a wall and the Mexicans are going to pay for it.” The quote for building this wall started at 10 million and has jumped to 30 million before even laying the first brick. So we only need to wait for Trump’s PR team to clear things up after his death.

Misogynistic… Almost

Not many may know this but Jesus was a progressive chauvinist if there may be such a thing. He gave the beatitudes all starting with “Blessed be the man…” what about women being blessed? Here’s another separate instance that occurred at Mary Magdalene’s home.

Martha (Mary’s Sister): Welcome to our humble abode my lord.

(Jesus walks in and makes himself comfortable on the sofa while Mary sits at his feet.)

Martha: My Lord, let me make you a sandwich!

Jesus: No Martha. Don’t make a sandwich. Sit down at my feet and listen to what I’m talking.

Donald Trump, like Jesus, doesn’t mind women who cheat or pose for the world to see. Like Jesus, he even forgives them, in fact he marries them. But not before grabbing them by the p***y.

Jesus also wanted to make Jews great again, but since he didn’t have much weapons and stuff he ended up on the cross. But this time he’s back and he’s got the nuclear codes. He’s chosen the dominant race as well, the white community. It’s payback time.

The resemblance is uncanny guys. It is uncanny. On the day of the apocalypse when you see Trump floating in the air with his candy floss hair flying in the wind delivering justice to blacks and Mexicans first. Remember then, that you heard it first here.