5 Baffling Uses of Sex Toys That Prove Humanity Is Doomed

Ninety percent of all sex toys operate on one immutable principle -- you put them in and around holes and slosh them about all flibbity jibbity. Another 9 percent, generally, are holes in which you put something in, and the last 1 percent is everything else, like paddles, high-voltage panties, and rubber sheets. Despite the wide array of terrifying shapes they may come in, at the end of the day, they're all pretty basic in how they're used. And, more importantly, you should have a basic idea what you plan to do with them before you start herky jerking them about your person. But nothing lasts forever in the cold November rain, not even a sphincter full of latex, and so sometimes shit just goes wrong. Dead wrong. But, like, read it so it doesn't sound foreboding. No one dies in this article or anything. A few of them get messed up, but it's cool.

#5. The Saber Saw Folks

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I have two words I need you to write down. The first word is "drilldo." Please fold that up and put it in your wallet. The second word is "fucksaw." Highlight it in yellow. Place that in your wallet, also. Should it ever fall out of your wallet and be read by someone, wait for them to make eye contact and answer their unasked question with a sharp nod.

A drilldo is what you get when you put a dildo and a drill together. A fucksaw is what happens when you take something, let's say a saber saw, and jam a dildo on it. It needs to be said, however, that if you were to ever create a Frankenfuckmachine like this, you need to do it properly. When you build such a machine you must build it as an engineer, not as a desperate pervert. Desperate perverts have never contributed anything to the advancement of man, but engineers have. So put on your thinking cap and, this is a freebie from ol' Felix for you, remove the blade first. Don't keep the fully functional, flesh-rending blade of the reciprocating saw in place if you plan to mount a rubber shlong on it and insert it into someone else's orifice. The reason being that you can't put a power tool inside another human without Jesus himself shrieking and turning away in uncomfortable terror.

Despite the obviousness of my engineering advice, back in 2009 a couple in Maryland were all "fucksaw, yee-ha!" and decided to give it a try. Mr. Wizard just jammed the dildo right down over the blade and, surprising to no one but him and his dim-witted yet insufferably horny partner, the sex-o-matic panic machine malfunctioned insofar as the blade just chewed through that rubbery wang like a hyena through a wildebeest carcass and, predictably, went right on into the lady. Did you just make an uncomfortable face when you read that? Yeah. Imagine what her expression was like.

So she had to go to the hospital, because obviously, and we've all just learned a valuable lesson in how not to hump a cutting tool (the lesson is don't hump a cutting tool.)

#4. The Dildo Assailant

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An antihero is a protagonist who has no heroic qualities at all. He could easily be cast as a villain but, for our purposes, is the central character of the story. Maybe he's an outlaw. A corrupt politician. A Tarantino character. Or maybe he's a guy who wields a duct-tape wrapped dildo with impunity.

We're heading back to Australia for this story, because all the great stories come from there. At 3 in the morning, a 38-year-old man wearing a black leather mask broke into a house. He carried with him a large, rubber dildo covered in duct tape. He beat the shit out of the 49-year-old lady who lived in the house with said dildo. As she escaped with her son, the masked Cock Slapper then stole the woman's dog and taped it to a tree.

I'm torn on how to present this story because the dog did die, and that's pretty cruel and sad, but I can't help but picture the story as a whole and it makes me laugh. It's a bad kind of laughter, like a kind of joke Jim Norton might tell and you feel a little dirty afterwards, but, still, you do laugh. So it's sad this guy killed a dog, but at the same time ... he broke in, beat a lady with a dildo, and then taped the dog to a tree. That really seems to be the whole of a crime. And it's believed to have been premeditated. What?

The victim (the lady, not the dog) suffered some facial bruising, so it's worth noting that, no, a dildo is not a particularly effective tool with which to bludgeon a victim into oblivion during the commission of a crime.

#3. The Butt Plug Jammer

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As a people, we love putting stuff in our asses. Don't you dare even think about writing a comment about how you don't like putting stuff in your ass. If we didn't love ass stuffing then the world would be immeasurably different than it is. Let's make a quick list of things we'd have to get used to in a world in which people didn't routinely invade their hind quarters.

No one would giggle at the word anal.

The children of butt plug manufacturers would go hungry.

Gays would be remarkably bored.

This entry would be going nowhere.

In China, ass stuffing is slowly but surely growing in popularity as China's attitudes towards sex begin to loosen up along with their bungholes. Unfortunately, and you'd think this wouldn't be an issue but here we are, as they become more open to the idea of using sex toys, no one's stopping to ponder the logistics of said sex toys. The result of which is dudes walking around Shanghai for five straight days with 9 inches of faux man-chub lodged in their Southern wilds.

In this case, doctors were quite surprised by the size of the beast and apparently turned him away after unsuccessfully trying to dislodge Moby Dick. So he went to a few other hospitals before finally going back to hospital No. 1, where they determined he had blocked his intestines. Well, no shit. Literally.

Doctors advised afterward that people using sex toys should exercise caution and maybe consider dredging their chum chutes with less traumatic objets d'art, which is a pretty solid recommendation and one you should take both to heart and to your ass.