Sunday, December 2, 2012

Welcome back friends! Let's refresh from last time. Emily totally screwed everyone by performing an UB to her liking, smashed her face on the mat, and lost the meet for the team. Sasha told her to eff off, and that she was no longer going to Nationals. Creepy Carter gave Kaylie a necklace, hot dog, and Payson did more annoying shit.

We open with every other girl at the gym already well into their workouts. Everyone, of course, except for the top four. Shit, Emily isn't even THERE yet. She slowly rolls into the gym while Lauren is busy ogling Kaylie's new necklace. Lauren damn near loses her mind when she hears it's from Creepy Carter, and makes a mental note of where Kaylie puts the necklace in her gym bag.

There are some dreadful scenes between Sasha and another British woman, but they're just too boring to detail. I gather she's some sort of media something or another from some agency, and wants to poach girls for her own greedy gain. What an exciting plot point.

Sasha takes a break from awkwardly flirting with the British lady to introduce her to the girls. Apparently she's there to film some "Sizzle Pieces," which I'm going to assume is Make It or Break It-eeze for fluff pieces.

Missing from this pow-wow is one Emily Kmekto, who has been chalking up on bars for about 20 minutes. Remember back in the first episode, she made a huge deal in Kaylie's brother's car about NOT wearing grips? She wears them now. As she longingly stares from the chalk bowl, Sasha catches her eye, and stomps over to yell at her.

Immediately she turns into teenage brat mode, and starts sassing at her coach. Not a good idea when you know you screwed the man over, and he's likely totally pissed at you.

Sasha gives her a speech about how he came to the Rock to coach only the girls "who can compete at the highest level." He says this with a straight face as some girl does a 45 degree split jump on beam in the background. All the same, Emily is not up to that standard, so she is not welcome at the Rock. Oh, well, huh. You being a huge bitch to your coach didn't work out in your favor? I'm so surprised.

Emily wastes no time, and is soon working the day shift at the Pizza Shack with Demon. She spills her woes to him, and explains that she'll keep training that dismount, oh, she'll keep training it alright. Then Sasha will HAVE to take her back! Demon's like "Cool, we'll just break into the gym at night," which I'm sure will have no consequences whatsoever.

In walk the Rock girls, who we are to believe came right from the gym. Which explains why Lauren has sex kitten hair. They make small talk about Emily getting her ass kicked from the gym, when a mysterious old delivery man comes in with the latest beer shipment. But who is the old man??

Egads! This begins one of the recurring themes we see during this show, which is "Poor me, my parent has taken an unsavory job just to sustain my impossible dream!" Payson is, of course, horrified.

Payson's Mom is also pissed. I get it, ok, so the guy has been keeping a secret. But a job's a job's a job, and he's doing it for good reasons. But sure, let's just keep berating the man who is trying to support his family.

Over at Casa de Cruz, Kaylie is busy tearing apart her gym bag because she can't find the necklace that Creepy Carter so lovingly gave her. You know, after her boned her best friend. She's on the phone with Lauren who is of course at home, wearing the very necklace that Kaylie is missing.

Lauren's psychotic episode is interrupted by Sister Mary Summer, who is apparently babysitting Lauren while Daddy Tanner is away. OK. She brings Master Lauren her supper, and notices her pretty new necklace.

Emily is busy with Demon, doing a little breaking and entering. This show is so full of good lessons. I mean, Lauren can steal and attempt to murder with no backlash whatsoever. Now Emily is going to break into the Rock, and I'm sure it will totally work out for her.

Demon is super excited by the fact that there are springs under the floor. I'm not going to lie, it's kind of cute. Isn't that how everyone is the first time they step into a gym? He asks Emily to jump with him, which she does. Of course they somehow end up on the floor, seductively laying together.

Oh, ABC Family, don't ever change. Demon reminds Emily that she wasn't here to work on HIS mount. A BOOM CHHHHHH. That was all mine, folks. She regretfully climbs from underneath the sweaty teen's body, and sulks over to the uneven bars. She explains to Demon what daring move she will be doing this evening, which is, of course, the "full in back out dismount." I have never once heard that skill referred to as such, but whatever. I don't train at the Rock, I guess.

Back at the gym, during the day, Sasha is still painfully flirting with this British woman while trying to explain her "Sizzle Pieces."

Those are your stars! Just take your pick! Such artistry, such athleticism. How is one to choose?

Since she's banned from the gym, Emily is stomping through her apartment, getting ready to go somewhere else. I don't care about her. I care deeply about the dear, divine Miss Bitchface Chloe!

Bitchface Chloe devises the perfect plan to get Emily back into the gym. Seduce her coach. Was there every really another option?

Back at the Rock, Kaylie gives zero shits about her training, but gives many shits about her lost necklace. She is outside, digging in the flowers, as if perchance they lept out of her gym bag and walked outside to freedom, not unlike a scene from Toy Story. Payson comes out to help her, so Lauren joins the fun by taunting poor Kaylie. They all three start to talk about the British agent lady, and how many millions of billions of dollars she's made for Kelly Parker. Payson's ears perk. She has a plan...

... and so does Bitchface Chloe. She struts into the Rock office wearing a hot red number, and is all over Sasha. How he refuses, I simply do not know. Nor do I care to know. He shuffles her outside of the gym, and he re-enters his office in horny silence.

Payson meets up with the British Agent in the parking lot, and lets her know that she absolutely wants to be represented by her. BA is all "Well that's great! Talk to your parents." and Payson's all "Oh, right, no, they totally want this too. Totally. TOTALLY." BA takes that as parental consent, and shakes Payson's hand, seemingly unaware that underage children are not able to make deals such as these.

Sister Mary Summer rolls up to the gym, only to catch Kaylie sobbing inside of her car.

Sister Mary asks what the tears are about, so Kaylie explains the necklace. Sister asks her what the necklace looks like, maybe she can help look? Kaylie describes the necklace, and a lightbulb flashes over Sister Mary's head. And she's off.

Back at Payson's place, Payson's Dad has so kindly offered to maintain his family's lifestyle by taking a job back in Minnesota (HOLLER.) He'll commute, and yes it sucks, but man what a great sacrifice for a parent to make for his family, right? WRONG. Unacceptable, says Payson, but never fear. She has supposedly signed on with British Secret Agent, and will be making bazillions of dollars from here on out. No fuss, no muss. Except her parents are normal, and tell her that she's insane. They won't forgo her chances at an NCAA scholarship just because she might do well at Nationals during a non-Olympic year. I would like to dedicate this entire episode to Jana Bieger. Princess Payson throws a fit, because her parents obviously don't give a shit about her, and storms off.

Back in the dark gym, because I'm sure turning on the lights would totally kill everyone, Demon is busy dicking around on beam.

Wearing socks on beam is a total recipe for disaster. Someone should have told him. Emily lands a few more dismounts, and decides it's time to kick it up a notch. And what better way to upgrade your dismount by adding a release move in the middle of the routine? She determines that a Jaeger will do just fine. Hell, why not? Throw whatever releases you'd like in a dark gym being spotted by some horny pizza boy. Good decisions all around.

By the next day, Emily is totally confident in her abilities, and struts into the gym so she can show off her new moves.

No pants, no shoes, only grips. Get it. Everyone is silent as Emily rudely cuts across the gym, and pushes ahead on the bars. I'm sure no one was using those. A crowd gathers to see the spectacle.

The music swells as she performs her routine seemingly consisting of only the Jaeger and dismount. What was her routine before? She receives some polite applause, and greedily turns to Sasha waiting for an apology and heaps of praise.

Instead of that, Sasha calls her a dog, and tells her he's fresh out of biscuits. Ouchie. He tries to end it at that, but Emily continues to scream in front of everyone at the gym. He calmly walks over to her, and tells her she's a worthless piece of shit. I'd think it was harsh if I didn't agree with him. He refers to her as a dog a few more times before she finally takes the hint and hightails it out of the gym.

One of those songs that MIOBI uses incessantly plays as Emily runs away from the gym. She's going for a lively jog, and heads to the one place where she can leave her troubles behind.

Oh yes! Remember, Emily learned all of her hot skills at the playground. Just like Nadia. So it makes sense that she runs back to her original place of learning. Now excuse me while I sing "Playground" by Another Bad Creation softly to myself for a few minutes.

Done. Emily has a gay old time romping around the playground.

Emily finally tuckers herself out, and is chilling on the swings as her mother joins her. Seems Bitchface Chloe pretty much always left Emily at the playground as a child. She tries to have a nice moment with her daughter, but instead Emily is a huge bitch and runs off.

Back at the gym, Sister Mary Summer storms in to gather Lauren. Lauren freaks out, because Sister Mary is wearing HER Olympic rings necklace! The audacity!

Sister Mary is all like "Oh, I thought that was what the kids did now, jack each others prized posessions." She threatens to tell Kaylie about the whole thing, but Lauren gets it. Man I miss cool Sister Mary Summer.

It's nighttime, and Emily has apparently been running around aimlessly in the rain for a good amount of time. She finds herself soaking wet and banging on Sasha's trailer door.

She really does resemble a wet dog. She continues to beg and plead to Sasha, and he's still not buying it. She cries a little more, becoming increasingly more pathetic, and finally Sasha's all "Jesus, OK! I'll meet you in the gym."

Emily is in the gym, miraculously bone dry, doing some basic skills on beam at Sasha's command. He instructs her to fall off the beam, and Emily looks at him like he's on so much crack. He yells at her to just listen to the fucking words he says for once, and she sasses at him because he's just another man, and every man in her life is horrible and abusive and will leave her. I would leave her too. This is when shit starts to get weird. Sasha starts yelling at her about submission, and I start to get the uh-oh feeling.

He goes on about "letting him in," and "letting him guide her." This sounds like porn dialogue to me. Emily continues to bounce back and forth between sobbing and freaking out at Sasha. She needs some bipolar meds, like, yesterday. But now she's back to being nice, and moans to Sasha that sheneeds him. "I need you more than I've ever needed anyone in my whole life." I just barfed in my mouth.

She's ready to submit to her coach, probably sexually, when he tells her to be at practice in the morning. She's all "WAIT! Catch me." She climbs on the the beam, and waits for her beloved to spot her.

I'm sorry, and Payson was the one to go crazy and smooch her adult coach? As if.

Back at Keelor household, Payson is laying in bed as her dad comes in to say goodbye. He gives this heartfelt speech, and she keeps her back to him the entire time. Dumb brat. He says goodbye, and walks out. He says goodbye to Becca and his wife, when Payson finally wises up and runs out to hug him goodbye. The real scene stealer is Payson's Mom. She does a great job being both stoic and yet really expressing the pain of watching your spouse head out the door to support your family while you're left at home to keep that family together. There is a good 4 seconds where Payson seems to understand that she's not the only one dealing with the pain, and the Keelor girls all hug.

The following day, everyone's back at the Rock. Lauren surprises Kaylie by explaining that she "found" her missing necklace. Kaylie orgasms on the spot and lavishes Lauren in all the praise befitting of a best friend.

I love Kaylie, but seriously, that's what you get for wearing your baubles to the gym. That just screams safety hazard to me.

Smarmy British Secret Agent is still lurking around the Rock, filming "Sizzle Pieces" when she approaches Emily for one. Emily's all "Sigh, those are just for girls going to Nationals." Smarmy Agent is like "No duh. Sasha said you're one of them. Now do flips for me." Cue more sappy music.

Emily races over the Pizza Shack to brag to Demon about her regained Nationals status. More awkward sexual tension. Does this girl have a platonic relationship with any man ever? I think not.

And that is that, friends. Oh the fun we've had.

Until next week. May your necklaces be gaudy and your grips be chalky!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

That time of year has arrived yet again. Everyone blathers on about what they're thankful for, and that's all very well and good. But I haven't got time for all of that.

Instead, let's focus on:

WHAT IAM MOST CERTAINLY NOT THANKFUL FOR.

1. Tour Costumes

I mean really. Who on the creative team thought this was a good idea? "I know! Let's put the teenagers in sequined bras and sheer skirts! The kids will love it!"

2. The Two Per Country Rule

Man, what a nightmare. I get feels just looking at this picture. And I know people will object with "Oh, but was there an uproar about Grishina, Yao Jinnan, or random British/Australian girls?? They got shafted too!!" Please. That's not to say they weren't disappointed, I'm sure they were. But let's not pretend that their absence from the competition (maybe a healthy YJN aside) really made an impact in the medal standings. This rule needs to be revisited. If you score above 60, you deserve to be in the all around finals. My apologies to the gymnasts from Qatar or whoever else benefits from the very top gymnasts in the world having to sit out.

3. The Death of Make It or Break It

I know, what has become of me? This show was my bread and butter, and I loved to hate it. But I still loved it. And it breaks my heart that it had such a chintzy ending. Random Olympic Trials in front of 20 people, where the contenders got to compete in 1-2 events. Oh, and the whole drug bust. Oh, and Payson becoming a bull dancer on the floor. Oh, and that random girl who no one has ever heard of makes the team.

4. Maroney's Selfies

Enough is enough. Maroney is gorgeous. There is no denying that. I can't put my finger on why this bothers me. Maybe it's because I'm old as sin, and us old people get bothered by things. It could be that I'm just jealous, because I wish I lived in a world where I believed the universe deserved a picture of my sweet face every day of the week. Maybe it's because Maroney is so beautiful and marketable as it is, that she doesn't need filters or to plaster her face on Twitter all day every day. Less is more. It doesn't matter what I think though, I think she'll make it big (ger?) no matter what she does.

5. People Obsessed with Mustafina's Eye Makeup

Maybe it's because I was alive in 2004, but the smokey eye trend is not new to me. Now, I have come very, very far in my Mustafina appreciation, trust me. I love that she went all dramatic for the Games. It's the grand ball, and you ought to dress up. But it's not as if she INVENTED the trend. I'm more obsessed with her eyebrows. Where are the tutorials for those??

6. Scandalous Romanian Leotards

No. No no no no no.

7. Adults Acting Like Crazy Bitches

You can't expect people to stay friends forever, especially as they grow up and grow apart. But the mean girl thing really should dissipate after high school. It's really old and tired on adults.

8. Ferarri's Leotard Choices

Props for being different, but how many holes does a leotard really need?

9. Fanfic Creepers

Writing graphic stories about largely underage children engaging in sexual adventures is not cool. I don't care what you say or what your justification is, I am never, ever going to be thankful for this. Ever.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

All of the barfing and extreme fatigue had put a tiny damper in my ability to blog. Or really, my ability to do anything but lay miserably on the couch. Some people will have you believe that being knocked up is a wonderful and magical time. They're lying. Suffice it to say I haven't been landing any jaegers to my stomach in the past two months. Assholes.

That said, the miserable portion is more or less over for me, at least for now. I am now entering the fat, happy, and hopefully bloggy stage. This only strengthens my resolve to push the Spanny Tampson/ Uncle Tim ticket for the next FIG elections, because as it stands now, my offspring will be a mere five months short of being eligible for the 2028 Games. Unacceptable!

So thanks for understanding, friends. If anyone has a lead on some baby Mag 7 team finals onesies, please let me know. Until then, I'll be hanging my Dougie posters in the nursery. TIA!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Four elite girls standing around doing nothing at the gym. Sounds like another week at the Rock!

If you'll recall from last week, we enjoyed a mother-daughter fashion show instead of, you know, training, FIVE WEEKS BEFORE NATIONALS! Nothing of importance happened at all, except the Cryptkeeper finding out about Kaylie and Carter, which I don't think she gives two shits about. Emily had more forgettable moments with Demon, and Lauren terorrized Sister Mary Summer. That's pretty much all you need to know.

We open the show with Lauren learning a BHS-LOSO, which bumps her DOD, or degree of difficulty, to 6.8. I know, right? If only more girls did BHS-LOSOs! Then we'd have teams full of huge D-score beamers.

The other girls are like, "Oh shit. That massive new tumbling pass totally makes her beam routine as hard as Payson's! Payson, aren't you just so super upset about that?!" and Payson's just like "Nationals is three weeks away. I give no fucks," but you can tell that deep down, she does give a few fucks.

Sasha is legit in the middle of coaching another girl, but Emily finds it necessary to scream for his attention while climbing on top of the low bar.

She chucks a dumpy full-in, and Sasha calls her out for chucking a dumpy full-in. Proving that this is not real life, he orders her to stick with the easier double tuck, and forgo a higher start value. But Emily is all "But Bruno Grandi demands that I do the hardest routine possible, execution be damned! Now I'll never make the top ten!" and Sasha is all "Um, yeah, about that. No chance in hell you're making the top ten anyway." Emily interrupts to talk about Marty, when behold, who should walk in the doors but Marty.

The two coaches meet up in the office, and give each other some gentle ribbing. The boys decide that the Rock will host Marty's gym, Denver Elite, for a friendly invitational.

Sasha tries to rally the troops by pretending that there is a team competition at Nationals. Everyone is more or less on board, until Marty casually informs Sasha that, oh, yeah, Kelly Parker competes for Denver now. Oh, don't know who Kelly Parker, or heretofore known as ABKP (Adult Baby Kelly Parker) is? You will. She is the reigning world and national champion, and has a buttload of endorsements. So FEAR HER.

The girls stand around and gossip while other gymnasts do real stuff. Emily bitches that Sasha doesn't love her enough, and Lauren is like "Well, that's because you suck." Kaylie reminds Lauren that Emily didn't seem to suck that one time she beat Lauren, even though Lauren tried to kill her on vault. So Lauren brings up Creepy Carter, which prompts Kaylie to immediately start talking about sex, because really, what else is there? Lauren's all "Oh, he's pretending that he doesn't care about boning you. That's probably because he's getting it from somewhere else. Duh." and Kaylie's like "My, how cunty of you." Kaylie reassures Lauren that if Creepy ever did cheat on her, it would be the end of them. BING! This gives Lauren an idea...

Marty is lurking out in the parking lot, waiting for the Cryptkeeper. If you'll recall from the pilot episode, they had previously been boning.

He asks the Cryptkeeper if she'd like to "hang out," and she politely declines. He plots to kill her as he opens her car door.

Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer are just chilling down by the beams, as one does, when Lauren excitedly races over to them to tell them about her new super hard beam routine. This is our first glimpse of Sister Mary Bitchface, and I kind of love her. Lauren is gushing about her routine, so Sister Mary Bitchface rolls her eyes and walks away. And I love it.

Creepy Carter is eternally chalking up at the chalk bowl, so Kaylie takes a break from doing nothing to come flirt with him.

They clasp nasty chalky hands in the chalkbowl, which Sasha witnesses, and he is none to happy about that.

Lauren is having a little pow-wow with Daddy Tanner, discussing their Olympic ambitions. Yes, THEIR. While Daddy totally wants it, Lauren isn't happy with his level of commitment to her. It's kind of creepy. We have so many cheating storylines this episode, and this feels like another one. As if her father is cheating on her with his new girlfriend. I saw a Lifetime movie like this once. I think the daughter ended up killing the dad. Daddy Tanner assures Lauren that he would never marry Sister Mary Summer, which makes Lauren happy so they fist bump.

Meanwhile, over on vault, Courtney Kupets reassures us that it doesn't matter that Denver has Kelly Parker, because the Rock has PAYSON KEELER.

This is the first of many, many impossible appearances by Ms. Kupets this week. Unfortunately, this is the only time she plays herself.

The juxtaposition between Kupets and Payson is intense. One is America's supergymnast, and the other is... Payson. Also, THAT is how you do messy hair. Not Payson's fake half-pony nonsense.

Payson trots slowly toward vault, and does a laid out yurchenko, which totally fucks her back up.

There is a scene between Emily and Demon at the Pizza Shack, but it's so boring that I don't pay attention.

More importantly, Payson's Mom catches Payson laying on the couch with an ice pack, and treats the ice pack like it's drugs.

Payson informs her mom that injuries are a part of the sport, because Payson's Mom probably wasn't aware of that.

We find ourselves back at the Rock, with Sasha coaching Emily on bars. He reminds her to do her double back dismount, which she does, but not without her bitching that it's too easy. Later on, he calls Payson into his office, wanting to discuss her little back injury. She begs off, saying it's no big deal at all, but it would be great if she could just have a cortisone shot. She lies to Sasha, telling him that it's been six whole months since she had one. Of course, Payson's Mom happens to walk in just then, and points out that it's only been two months since her last shot. She goes into some whiny teenage bullshit about how other parents let their kids do whatever, and pretty much guilt trips her mother for being a good mother.

That sounds like some Emily Kmetko shit right there. As she walks outside, Lauren is confronted by Sister Mary Bitchface about her new DOD.

It's totally bitchy, and it's totally delicious. She then rails on Lauren for being a mad little brat who lost her mother and is butthurt that her dad found someone else. Lauren's all, "Tough shit for you, my dad's never going to marry you. He told me last night." And that seems to shut Sister Mary Bitchface right up.

Speaking of awkward confrontations, Sasha calls Creepy Carter over to his parking lot camper for a little sitdown. He tells Creepy to back off of his girls, and if he doesn't, Sasha will see to it that his career is ruined. Sounds good to me.

Over at the Casa de Cruz, Kaylie's crazy ass dad is weighing her in the middle of the living room on one of those archaic doctor's scales.

Her dad berates her for gaining two pounds. Could it really be a show about gymnastics without the obligatory weigh ins? I wonder which girl ends up with the eating disorder... Luckily, the Cryptkeeper walks in, and is like "What is this fuckery?" and Kaylie's dad warbles on about hopes and dreams. The Cryptkeeper reminds him that Kaylie is a teenage girl, and maybe wants to live like one sometime. But Papa Cruz doesn't like that noise, so he's all "No, our daughter isn't a worthless loser like you."

Daddy Tanner has taken Sister Mary Bitchface out for a fancy dinner. They seem to dine out often, and never with Lauren. No wonder she's insane. Sister Mary Bitchface calls Daddy out for telling Lauren that he would never ever marry her. Also, for letting a sixteen year old call the shots in his life. Preach on, Sister Mary! Sister Mary makes an attempt to march out of dinner, but Daddy stops her, and proposes. Because that solves everything.

Oh everyone is so thrilled. Back at Casa de Cruz, the Cryptkeeper is distraught by Papa Cruz's comments, so she calls up her "friend" Marty, and loudly proclaims that she wants to bone him. And she keeps saying the word "soppy." What is "soppy?" Anyway, of course Kaylie is standing around the corner eavesdropping.

Kaylie confronts her mother, and freaks out about telling her dad. The Cryptkeeper reminds Kaylie that there are a lot of things her dad doesn't know about, like her dating Creepy Carter. Kaylie gets pissed and hip-checks her mother.

So naturally, Kaylie runs off and jumps into Creepy Carter's creepy jeep. She cries and admits that Creepy is the only person in her life that she can trust. Instead of fessing up to having boned her best friend, Creepy busts out an old necklace that belonged to his mother. He gives it to her, and suddenly, she's not upset anymore. Lesson: if a woman is upset, give her jewelry.

It's finally time for the invitational. There is an announcer, which is weird. Payson lets Sasha know that she is good to go. Instead of being cleared by a trainer, Sasha pokes her back, and is satisfied with the result. He lets her compete.

Sister Mary Bitchface rolls up and psychs Lauren out right before she competes by telling her that Daddy proposed last night. God I wish Sister Mary would stay like this forever. But alas, I know that she does not. Le sigh.

The girls do some totally normal warming up before the meet. I know I always choose to stretch as close to the bar rigs as possible. Marty walks in with his team, including Adult Baby Kelly Parker, and Emily is immediately overcome with his amazing and beautiful their foe is. Adult Baby immediately seeks out Payson for a little pre-meet shit-talking. A lion usually does seek the weakest of the pack first. Lauren won't stand for that, and bravely comes to her friend's defense from the stunningly beautiful ABKP.

Now that we got all of the trash talking out of the way, let's make with the competition! First up on beam is Lauren, who does nothing, as far as we can see. First up on vault is ABKP/Courtney Kupets.

Make It or Break It editing: I have missed you. We start with the normal yurchenko entry, we see some back flips, then some front flips, and then she lands facing the vault table. So, it's clear to me that she did the new KuParker vault.

Next we have Emily Kmetko doing a lovely split mount (this is what the necessary announcer was telling us) Her routine consists of one illusion turn, and then a surprisingly non-whoosh whoosh double full dismount.

Next up is Payson, who is obviously Queen of the Beam. Such artistry. She shows us a BHS-BHS-LOSO, and dismounts with a very whoosh-whoosh double full.

At least we're still of a time where one team does one event at a time. The Rock marches to floor, and Kaylie's up first.

She's got some hot moves alright. She ends in her little cutesy pose, and everyone cheers. We're also treated to a Jordan Schwikert uneven bar routine, compliments of Denver Elite. Creepy is thrilled.

But believe it or not, Jordan's not their ringer on bars. Oh no, that would be one Adult Baby Kelly Parker aka Courtney Kupets.

The best part about this is that the powers that be don't even serve us a bunch of butchery and expect us to believe it's gymnastics. Hell no. This is Ms. Kupets we're talking about. We see a good chunk of her NCAA routine, and it's performed to the fucking HILT. Hop full into monster tkatchev? Why not?? This is an invitational with the Rock! She should be the star of every show. And then she caps it off with the most delightful, sky high double layout ever. What show am I even watching??

Oh. Right. Back to reality, we get a couple of slow motion shots of Payson's stellar leaps. Yawn. I thought she was a POWER GYMNAST?? Then we see her do a roundoff- layout 1/2?- front full like a million times. Oh but she steps out of bounds, and the entire gymnasium groans. Cue Debby Downer noise.

The only one bothering to vault for the Rock is of course Miss Payson. The dramatic music starts up. Oh, but will her back hold up? I simply do not know. Except that I do, and it does. Well, sort of. She does her yurchenko full, and takes a few steps on the landing. She expresses her pain by scrunching her face up and balling her hands into fists. Because remember, Payson's a tough girl. Don't you ever, ever forget that.

Paysons' Mom finds it appropriate to race onto the competition floor to check on Payson herself. Payson guilts her for a bit until she gives in, and allows Payson to get her precious cortisone shot. For a gym that has zero trainers, I wonder who on Earth will give her that shot. She'll probably administer it herself.

But she's back in time for the final event. First up on floor for Denver Elite is ABKP/Courtney Kupets. They just flat out show Courtney doing her 2009 NCAA routine.

Fffft. AS IF ABKP could pull off Kupets' hand wavy choreography. But that doesn't stop her from trying. Courtney Kupets races over after her floor routine, puts on a blonde wig, and hops onto the bars to do Payson's routine. Which is also, funny enough, Courtney's NCAA routine. Best stunt double ever? I'd say perhaps so. And with that, Courtney Kupets' Payson routines beat out Courtney Kupets' ABKP routines for the AA title. Hot dog. Meanwhile, there's that pesky team title that Payson pretended to care about before.

Lauren is up on bars, and after taking a lasting look at Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Bitchface, she decides there's only one way to remedy this: blow her routine. She gives up on a transition, and while the announcer considers it "a fairly routine move," I consider that announcer stupid, because I haven't seen that particular move since 1992. And I miss it so.

For whatever reason, Emily is inexplicably anchoring the UB lineup. Sasha reminds her not to chuck a bunch of shit, just do the routine that won't kill her. ABKP taunts her a bit, and we're to believe that this is what influences Emily to not listen to Sasha, but really, does she ever listen to him? To anyone? Is this not The Emily Show all of the time?

She doesn't even bother with a routine. She just does about six or seven giants, and then really gears up for her dismount. But which will she do?? The chucked full in, or the boring old Sasha-prescribed double back?

I think this face says it all.

And then there's this.

Instead of getting up, she just lingers on all fours for awhile.

How could you not be so pissed at that face? She ever so slowly gets up, and just sort of walks around as Denver Elite's narrow win is announced. Sasha murders her a million times with his eyes.

After everyone clears out, Emily finds Sasha in the office. She apologized for being a heady bitch, and swears that she's totally not going to chuck shit at Nationals. Sasha's like "Uh, no, you won't. Because you're not GOING to Nationals. Peace."

Emily storms out of the office, and in a rage, Sasha tosses a sole piece of paper against the wall. That THAT, piece of paper!

I want to say that was the end of the episode, but there's one final scene between Emily and Demon that I couldn't care less about. So for all intents and purposes, let's just say the episode is over.

If only all shows could have this much Courtney Kupets in them. Le sigh. Well, until next week friends, maybe your faces be bitchy and your dismounts remain chuck-free!