Secrets of a
Formerly Miserable WifeAuthorDiane
England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has
been there, too.

“Why Pleasing
Behavior isn't the Answer”

Do you believe what your
narcissistic and abusive
husband says about you? Has he convinced you you’re
worthless, selfish, cold,
unlovable, and whatever else he regularly professes? Before I go
further, did
you know you can expect him to say such things if he suffers from a
personality
disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD? Well,
it’s even apt
to happen if he suffers from a lesser degree of narcissism, but which
makes him
pathologically narcissistic nonetheless.

A man suffering from pathological
narcissism sees himself as superior to you and most others anyway. You
are
basically worthless in his mind, other than in your ability to somehow
serve
him and meet his needs. And of course, he is going to gain more power
and
control, both of utmost importance to him anyway, through manipulation.
He also
knows he can manipulate you by putting you down through emotional abuse
and
verbal abuse. Well, through sexual abuse, too.

Over the years, perhaps you have
accepted how your narcissistic spouse defines you because you heard
similar
messages in your family of origin. But even if your parents never said
such
things, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family plagued by alcoholism
or other
significant problems, you might have held yourself responsible for the
things
that happened in your family. This might have included your
parents’ bad
marriage and their divorce, if divorce actually occurred.

I know, as an adult, it
doesn’t make
much sense. Nevertheless, that’s the way young children are.
They see
themselves as the center of the universe and all powerful. (See, they
exhibit
narcissism, too. However, most grow out of it and only maintain a
healthy level
of narcissism as adults, and not the unhealthy level your spouse
probably
does). Thus, for example, rather than recognize that her father might
have a
problem called alcoholism, and this in turn created discord that led to
the bad
marriage, the little girl feels responsible for what happened.
Therefore, if
her parents decide to divorce, she thinks it’s because she
was a bad child. She
doesn’t realize her mother probably grew tired of living with
alcoholism and
her husband’s emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

You’re going to have to
review your
own childhood, and then you can assess what might have negatively
impacted you.
In other words, what beliefs might you hold at an unconscious level
that still
drive you today? And if you’re putting up with a narcissistic
spouse and his
addictions and abuse, you can assume there definitely are some there.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t have hooked up with him and then
stayed, don’t you
imagine?

But
for now, can you appreciate how this happens? Also, can you appreciate
how, at
an unconscious level, you might have felt worthless at the time you met
your
spouse? And, at an unconscious level, he might have picked up on this
and
hence, been attracted to you?

The odds are good, though, that you
grew up to become a people pleaser. You’ve probably tried to
read what others
want, and then have delivered just that. Undoubtedly, too,
you’ve been very
good at this. In fact, you’re probably more sensitive to
other’s needs than you
are to your own, wouldn’t you agree?

Believe it or not, both you and your
narcissistic spouse probably feel worthless at your core. You both have
shame
issues. You just act this out differently. He flies into narcissistic
rages and
tries to control you this way. You try to control him by pleasing.

Actually, either of you will feel
immense pain if you can’t use your favored coping technique
when you feel the
desire to do so (because pain is threatening to come into
consciousness). Thus,
if he were to remain silent when he felt the urge to rage, his severe
level of
emotional pain would break through. The same would happen if you
couldn’t
proceed with your pleasing behaviors.

Well, since your pleasing behaviors
don’t please him since he isn’t a man who is going
to be pleased because of his
narcissism, your pain has started to break through, hasn’t
it?

Actually, while I know you hurt in
part because you’re confused by his behavior and because
you’re depressed—and
depression hurts—this breakthrough of pain is actually a good
thing. You must
listen to its message, though. You must come to terms with the
emotional wounds
and childhood beliefs that no longer serve you. After all, you are not
worthless. You are worthy, if for no other reason than you walk this
earth.
Except you have a purpose to fulfill, and you won’t be able
to do that while
immersed in your pain. And seeking pain relief through pills and other
means
isn’t the answer, either. You must get to the root of the
problem and destroy
or overcome that.

You do this through spiritual
growth.

Why should you pursue this path?
Well, ultimately, the pain of the consequences of pleasing behavior
become
greater than the emotional pain you were trying to block in the first
place.
See, it is similar to how any addiction works.Let’s use alcoholism as an example. First,
the alcohol reduces the
person’s anxiety and keeps bad feelings at bay. But with
alcoholism, often come
marital problems, tickets and accidents, and other such things. They
create new
pain that can be worse than facing the fact that at an unconscious
level, you
have always felt a lack of self worth because of things that happened
in
childhood that still drive you.

Don’t condemn yourself for
where you
find yourself, though. Realize that your soul is reaching out to
you—calling to
you through all this hurt and emotional pain. And so, rather than seek
pain
relief through ways that you typically have—through perhaps
endless activities
or even addictions of your own--feel it. Feel it fully and wake up to
its
messages. That way, you might heal yourself and come to know a
different way of
being and living.

Sure, it will take time and the
results might not be immediate. But they will come. Also, I’m
sure you’ll look
back and decide that perhaps being married to a man suffering from
narcissism,
addictions, and abusive ways might have been the best thing that ever
happened
to you.

Is this hard to believe right now?
Well, nevertheless, try and believe that someday, such a day will come
when
you’ll feel blessed and grateful for what your narcissistic,
addicted, and
abusive husband put you through. After all, you’ll know this
is what it took
for you to embrace spirituality or spiritual growth. And of course,
that is
what caused you to discover your true self and authentic power.

Disclaimer:
This
how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women
about
narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or
inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and
inform questions to
ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute
for
marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping
with
domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual
abuse—even
where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek
professional help for
treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely
associated
issues.

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