Bees–take it from me. Wait to ask your Bridesmaids!

I now competely understand now why brides recommend waiting to ask your girlfriends to be bridesmaids. Sometimes the friends you think are really there for you really change their tune when you get engaged.

Here’s what happened to me.

I’ve known this girl for seven years now. When she got married five years ago, she asked me to be her maid of honor–and I was shocked. I didn’t think we were that close. But I said yes, and I did it because it seemed really important to her. It turned out to be a total BM’s nightmare. The wedding ended up being a super-expensive week-long event and since I was the only U.S. bridesmaid, she expected me to pay for a bridal tea and a bachelorette party for her and the rest of her “friends” (who apparently weren’t close enough to be part of the wedding party) all by myself, not to mention to help her pay for a pre-wedding bridal bbq decor (which was totally not my responsibility btw) and then the usual hotel/dress/shoes/jewelry/etc. As if that weren’t enough, she then wanted me to fly to her SECOND wedding festivities in Europe (her husband is European) and do it ALL over again. I couldn’t afford it, so I drew the line there. Not to mention the I couldn’t take a repeat of the drama that went on during her wedding (she made the whole ceremony start late because her dress had a tiny mistake which we couldn’t fix without a seamstress, she didn’t hire a DJ so she panicked when her iPod started glitching, and then she yelled at me when the caterer didn’t save her a to-go meal, which I didn’t even know was supposed to happen). Long story short–I was very happy that the my friend was married and happy–but also very glad when her wedding was over.

We remained friends, and I was there for her through some fairly tough stuff, but she vanished whenever something happened to me. Sure–I got the occasional call, but mostly to talk about her life. She rarely, if ever, asked about mine (even when my mom was in the hospital).

Then, this year, I get engaged. As soon as this BM sees the announcement of my status change on Facebook, I get a call from her saying “I know your sister’s going to be your maid of honor–so I totally understand if I can’t be–but I’m so excited to be in your wedding.” I was again shocked. I didn’t even ask her! And frankly, I didn’t want to. My MOH is my sister, my Matron of Honor is my best friend of 16 years and my bridesmen (yes, I have two bridesmen) are friends of either 20 years or who I traveled around the world with for several months, respectively. I wanted my bridal party to be family–or friends who might as well be family. While I care about this BM, I couldn’t count her in that group. However, my fiance talked me into letting her stay in the wedding. Boy was that a mistake. From Day One, I was worried that she’d make everything about her–and to date, that’s exactly what’s she’s done. That–or vanish whenever I actually needed a friend. Any time the wedding topic comes up, she spins it into a comparison with her wedding–or talks about why they didn’t do xy or z at her wedding–rather than simply be supportive of my wedding (which is exactly what I did for her). She hasn’t shown up for a single wedding-related thing I’ve invited her to (dress shopping–or anything). At one point she stranded me wedding gown shopping alone. Basically, she gets excited and agrees to come and then bails the morning of for some BS reason that turns out to be a lie. Point is, she just hasn’t been there at all. Then, a month ago, she picks a very public fight with me on Facebook, then emails me 12 times continuing the argument. She was just trying to stir up drama, so I decided it would better for everyone if I didn’t respond. I knew it would make things worse–but then she sends several more scathing emails angry with me and hurt for not responding. I tell her that I was giving her time to calm down and get perspective, and that I think we should hold off on talking until she is feeling better. Her response? Two more angry emails. Finally I voiced my disappointment that she hasn’t been there for me in a long time–and she totally ignores my feelings and tries to turn it around and say that I don’t care about her–which is totally ridiculous. I’ve been there for her for YEARS. I wish I could say the same for her–but I can’t. She hasn’t been there. And the truth is–she didn’t disagree with me–because deep down, she knew I was right. The only person she really cares about is herself. Again, scathing emails. At this point, I was done. Just done. That’s a load of drama I just don’t need.

One of my other bridesmaids made a really good point that I wish I had thought of sooner. She reminded me of the quote, “there comes a time when you must stop crossing over oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.”

With that in mind, I decided to just let this go. I took this as a sign that she wasn’t the person I thought she was and politely dismissed her from the bridal party. I thought I’d feel bad about it, but honestly, after all that has happened, I felt so relieved.

I’m down one bridesmaid–and sadly, one friend, it would seem. However, friendship is a two-way street…and if you’re not getting anywhere near the support and consideration that you put into the friendship–it’s not a true friendship to begin with. Sometimes it takes an event like a wedding to reveal which friendships are real and which aren’t.

Anyway, long story not so short, take it from me ladies, WAIT until 4-6 months before the wedding to ask your BMS to be in your wedding. Make sure you’re asking the right people. Some girls totally freak out when their friends get engaged and reveal a side of themselves that you never knew existed. As stressful as this whole fiasco has been, I’m just glad it happened BEFORE the wedding rather than on my wedding day.

@CelticBeachBride: This is exactly what happened with my ex-best friend. She didn’t show up for anything wedding related for me (BM dress shopping, bridal party, etc) and complained about whatever we had planned. She ended up dropping out of the wedding via FB instead of calling me about it 4 months before the wedding. I was always there for her but she was never there for me. The only difference in our story was I’ve known her since I was 12 and I am now 26. Its sad that it took me this long to see how really self-centered she was and she cared nothing about me… I actually had 2 more BMs drop out but their stories are a bit different but the end result is all the same. They weren’t real friends to begin with.

@CelticBeachBride: My sister just called tonight to drop out of the wedding (not for monitary reasons or anything like that just because we didnt want her daughter to be flower girl) and we asked her 6 months ago and have 3.5 months to go so I have to say it is cathartic to hear someone else has gone through similar ickyness

I haven’t done anything formal for my girls, but I’ve definitely lost a friend who was one that wouldn’t have to ask if she were in the wedding…she’s the girl who introduced my FI and I, and now, he doesn’t even want her at the wedding.

Solid advice – and while there has been very little scathing (she doesn’t have the guts for that) I know what you mean about being just done. There is only so much you can do for one person.

I’m sorry that you’ve lost a friend, but hopeful that your wedding planning (and your life) will be much more peaceful without her.

I had this exact same thing happen to me…almost. A former best friend from high school posted on my FB time line for all the wordl to see: “I’m your best friend and I really want to be in your wedding. Is that ok?”

We haven’t hung out together in years and I haven’t spoke to her in over a year. She got married 5 years ago and invited no one. I had an idea of a bridal party, but at this point, I am only having my MOH and thats it!

@CelticBeachBride: Good advice! Similar situation right now. For years I always knew my best friend would be in my wedding, but in the last year we started to drift apart. We still did everything together but I could feel the difference. We weren’t close. Long story short, there was some family drama when I started dating my sweetie. It didn’t have hardly anything to do with us at all. It cause a slight family split, my best friend side against me. We haven’t spoken since. She didn’t even try to Be my friend, she stop trying. I haven’t even seen her in awhile. My sweetie is officially proposing when I see him at Thanksgiving (horrible at secrets) but we have wedding date picked me out anyways. Lol

I want her still in the wedding, but cause she been non-supportive. I decided she won’t be my MOH, but a bridesmaid. She still on the pending side though. We are waiting to see how she will react To the Annoucements of the engagement.