Something that has always stuck with me since reading Butler, is the idea of ‘perfomative speech acts’. The marriage ceremony does not so much describe, but create, the ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ it so names, and the exclamation ‘it’s a boy!’ tells us more about what is important to society than it does about the baby itself; these acts seem to inscribe rather than describe.

The Child Pronounced Girl may grow up striving for and successfully achieving many of the standards expected of her. Or she might find these socially accepted (and expected) norms do not fit with her sense of self, body, or politics and then choose to disavow the category that she was once allocated. This can result in a mixture of difficult emotions and an onslaught of seemingly irresolvable challenges for the individual, and everyone around.

I recently found myself making a very difficult decision to decline an invitation to be a bridesmaid for a dear friend from my university days. As I am a female-assigned individual, this probably seemed like quite a straightforward request. And indeed I was flattered and grateful she asked me to be part of an event of such importance to her and the groom-to-be. However, as I tried on dresses, I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable with the role and label I was about to assume.

As someone who does not identify as male or female, I try to avoid these labels as I find them restrictive and misrepresentative. So I knew this wasn’t just about the floaty frocks (it's not my usual attire, but hey) – it was also the name, the function and the implications. Could I slide into this role with no more than a squirm, or was it too much for me to ask of myself?

It’s true that many people read me as ‘woman’ in day-to-day life, but this situation was different; this would involve me, not being mistakenly perceived as something I’m not – but actively labelling myself as such. Pronouncing myself bridesmaid, and woman. It was also placing me in a binary system of gender that I passionately want to break free of, and around which my personal and political outlook revolves.

As much as I tried to assimilate this lovely invitation with my convictions and sense of self, I could not. And whilst I could barely face the prospect of having to decline, I thought it infinitely better than causing any disappointment later on down the line and risking my friend’s enjoyment of her wedding day. For my friend, this wedding will be a joyous moment to celebrate her relationship with friends and family – and I will certainly be in attendance to share it with her. Just with less gender angst!

And you never know, perhaps one day I will find another way to resolve the situation, as I am sure many have been here before and managed to bend without breaking. Or in the absence of this, perhaps in the long term I can hope for something bigger, somewhat removed from this specific context. Maybe a broader discursive shift is coming to create a crack in the road, wide enough for people all genders and none to stop in their tracks, come together and forge a new way forward that's easier for everyone.