The level of guilt I experienced over masturbationA date with Palmela HandersonActing out the grapes of wrathBacking your fistBang yourselfBeat the beaverBeating my meatBeating the bishopBop the bolonyChoking the chickenClap your clitClean the beanClicking the mouseDating Hannie PalmerDiddle my skittle#DiddlingDonald trump firing his apprenticeDouble clicking the mouseFiction frictionFire off some knuckle-childrenFive finger shuffleFlickin’ the kittenFlicking the beanFlog the dolphin____ yourselfGetting trigger happyGoing fishing with the man in the boatGoing to the palm promGreasin’ the gashHand to gland combatHaving a knee tremblerHit the slitHitchhike To The SkyHolding your sausage hostageIndiana Jones finding a sweet digJacking offJerkin the gerkinJerking offJibber jabJilling offLet the beaver swimLubing the tubeMaking it snowMaking my girl happyMaking stomach pancakesMilking the cowOne handed baseballPainting the ceilingPet the poodlePetting the kittyPlaying air guitar nakedPlaying pocket poolPlaying tug of war with the cyclopsPole dancingPolishing the pearlPumping the kegRevving the engineRoughing up the suspectRub the nubRubbing one outRubbing Rob ReinerRuin your eyesightScrach and sniffScraping off the scabsScratch n’ sniffShake and steakShuffle your IpodSlam the clamSlapping the salamiSlicking WillieSpanking the monkeySpinnin’ a recordSquishing the squidgieStroking itStroking the one-eyed snakeTaking care of my businessTapping the wookie on the headThinking of your momTick the tacoTickle your pickleTurning JapaneseTwo-finger tangoVisit from the five-fingered auntyVisiting Rosy Palms and her five sistersWalking the dogWax on, whack offWhippin off a batchWrestling the one eyed monsterAbusing the wicked stickAdjusting the antennaAiding and abetting a known felonApplying the hand brakeArguing with Henry LongfellowArm-wrestle with your one-eyed vesselAttack the one-eyed purple-headed warriorAudition your hand puppetBackstroke rouletteBadgering the witnessBarking up the wrong treeBash the candleBasting the hamBattling the purple-headed yogurt slingerBeing rough with the sex stickBe your own best friendBeat the bishopBeat the bolognaBeat the dummyBeat the meatBeat the pudBeat the stickBeat up your dateBeef tips stroking offBleed the weedBlow your own hornBludgeon the beefsteakBop the bolognaBop the bonzoBox the JesuitBox with RichardBrushing up on your typing skillsBuff the bananaBugger your handBuilding upper-body strengthBurp the babyBurp the wormButter the cornCalling down for more mayoCalling in the secret serviceCaning the vandalCaulking the cracks in the bathroom tileCharm the snakeCheck for testicular cancerCheese offChoke KojakChoke the chickenChoke the sheriff and wait for the posse to comeClamp the pipeClean your rifleCleaning out your accountClear the snorkelClimb the treeCloset FrisbeeCombing the hair on your bald pig SallyCombing your hairCommuning with natureConsulting with your silent partnerCorral your tadpoleCouch hockey for oneCrank the love pumpCrank the shankCrimp the wireCrown the kingCrushing pop cans in the darkCuddle the kielbasaCuff the carrotDaisy-chainingDancing in the dragon’s fiery breathDancing with the one-eyed sailorDate Miss MichiganDate Mrs. Palmer and her five daughtersDate Rosie Palm and her five sistersDebugging the hard driveDefrosting the fridgeDigital penile oscillationDiscovering your own potentialDistributing free literatureDo handiworkDo it your wayDo the janitor thingDo the white knucklerDoing your homeworkDrain the monsterDry humping the ottomanEating grapes with the one-armed manElecting the PresidentEngage in safe sexExercise one’s rightExercising your right to privacyFastening the chin strap on the helmet of loveFeed the ducksFeeding bologna to the SmurfsFeeling your way aroundFiddle the flesh fluteFiring the pound gunFishing with dynamiteFist your misterFive knuckle shuffleFlick your BicFling your phallusFlip the bishopFlipping your omeletFlog the bishopFlog the dolphinFlog the dongFlog the logFlog the muleFlogging the egg manFly fishingFondle your flagpoleFree WillyFrost the pastriesFrosting your maple barFrying up the corndogGallop the old lizardGardening with the golden trowelGenital stimulation via phallengetic motionGet a date with Slick MittensGet the German soldier marchingGet to know yourselfGet your pole varnishedGive it a tugGive your low fiveGiving the half-blind dog a run for his moneyGo a couple of rounds with ol’ JoshGo blindGo on a date with Fisty PalmerGo on a date with Handrea and PalmelaGo the blowGoing Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s headSubmitted by Jake W.Goose the gherkinGrease the pipeGreasing the three-legged cowHand jobHard laborHave one off the wristHelping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through collegeHitchhike to heavenHitchhike underneath the big topHitting too close to homeHoisting your own petardHold the bishopHold the sausage hostageHolding your ownHone the coneHonk your hornHosing down the drivewayHotfooting it to the nearest exitHug the hogHump your hoseInvesting in pork belliesInvoking the Oscar Meyer love spellJack hammerJazz yourselfJerk JambyJerk the gherkinLeft to your own devicesLetting the cat out of the bagLiquidating the inventoryLocking the bathroom doorLook for ticksLooking for clues with Fred and DaphneLope the muleLove the MuppetLove’s labors lostLubricating the love monkeyMake a foreskin coneMake instant puddingMake the bald man pukeMaking a cash withdrawalMaking chowder with sailor NedMaking it up as you go alongMaking magic with leftoversMaking soupMaking the bald man cryMaking the bread riseMaking the world safe for democracyMangle the midgetManipulate the mangoManual laborManual overrideMaster Bacon, meet Rosie HancockMeat with Mother Thumb and her four daughtersMilk the lizardMilk the mooseMilk the selfMount a corporal and fourMuch goo about nothingNerk your throbberNull the voidOil the gloveOnan’s olympicsOne gun saluteOne man bandOne-night-stand with yourselfOpening the flood gatesPack your palmPaddle the picklePaint the ceilingPaint the picklePainting the flag polePainting the picket fencePalm the calmPaying at the turnpikePeel the bananaPerform diagnostics on your man toolPet the lizardPip the pumpkinPlay a little five-on-onePlay a one-stringed guitarPlay five against onePlay in a one-man showPlay peek-a-booPlay pocket pinballPlay pocket poolPlay tag with the pink torpedoPlay the skin flutePlay tug-o-war with CyclopsPlay UnoPlaying it safePlaying the one-stringed melodyPlaying the single-string air guitarPlugging in the toasterPlunk your twangerPolish Percy in your palmPolish the family jewelsPolish the helmetPolish the rocketPolish the rock-hard staff of St. PeterPolish the swordPound offPound the bald-headed moosePound the pudPound your flounderPounding the fence postPrepare the carrotPrime the pumpPull rankPull the bologna ponyPull the carrotPull the goaliePull the polePull the PopePull the pudPull your own legPull your taffyPulling your own weightPulling yourself up by your own bootstrapPump the pythonPump the stumpPunch the clownPunch the munchkinPunish Percy in your palmPutting your best foot forwardPutting your foot downPutting your thumb in the porridgeRaining on your paradeRam the hamRelishing your hot dogRiding the five-legged ponyRoll your ownRolling it off the lotRomeo and himselfRope the ponyRope the PopeRub one outRub the pink eraserRubbing Buddha’s tummyRun off a batch by handSacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nightsSafest sexSailing the mayonnaise seasSaluting the generalSampling the secret sauceSand woodScour the tower of powerScraping the bottom of the barrelScratch the itchScrewing your courage to the sticking placeSecret handshakeSelf abuseSelf-induced penile regurgitationSex with someone you really loveShake hands with Abe LincolnShake hands with the midgetShake hands with the unemployedShake hands with your John ThomasShake hands with your wife’s best friendShake hands with Yul BrynnerShake the sauceShake the sausageShake the snakeShaking hands with Dr. WinkyShellac the shillelaghShemp the hogShift gearsShine the helmetShine your poleShoot for the moonShoot putty at the moonShoot the airplaneShooting yourself in the footShuck your cornSizing things upSlam the hamSlam the salamiSlam the salmonSlam the SpamSlap high fives with Yul BrynnerSlap itSlap pappySlap the carrotSlap the clownSlap the donkeySlap the purple-headed yogurt pistolSlap the salamiSlapping Johnny on the backSling the jellySmack the salamiSmiting the pink knightSnap the monkeySnap the rubberSnap the whipSolo flightSolo marathonSolo sexSpank ElvisSpank the bishopSpank the frankSpank the monkeySpank the salamiSpank the wankSpanking the roosterSpending your Christmas bonusSqueeze the cheeseSqueeze the juiceSqueeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tubeSqueeze your cheese-dogSqueezing the happy lumberjackStewing in your own juicesStinky pinkyStir the batterStir the yogurtStrain the main veinStraining your cabbageStretching the truthStrip-mining with the spaghetti manStroke the carrotStroke the moleStroke the one-eyed burping geckoStroke the satin-headed serpentStroke your pokerStroke your TwinkieStrumming the one-string harpTake matters into your own handsTake part in population controlTake the fifthTake the monster for a one-armed rideTaking a few practice shotsTaking a load offTalk quietly to yourselfTame the shrewTaunt the one-eyed weaselTeaching the Cyclops the lambadaTease the weenieTenderize the tube steakTending to your own affairsTest your batteriesThat crazy hand jiveThrash your thingThump the pumpThump your thongTickle the ivoryTickle the pickleTickle the tacoTicklewigglejigglepickleTipping off the inspectorToss the snagToss the turkeyToss yogurtTug the slugTwang the wireTweak your TwinkieTwist your crankUnleashing the alabaster yakUnloading the gunUnpacking the moving vanVarnish the flagpoleVarnishing the banisterVisiting with Papa SmurfWake the deadWalk the dogWalk the plankWalking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoesWallowing in self pityWank with the one-eyed wonder weaselWash the meatWax the BuickWax the carrotWax the dolphinWaxin’ n’ Milkin’Whack itWhack mentalgymnastWhack WillyWhip the dummyWhip the one-eyed trouser snakeWhip the one-eyed wormWhip the ratWhip the stiffWhip the wireWhip up some sour creamWhip your dripperWhitewashing with Huck and TomWhittle the stickWiggling your walrusWindsurf on Mount BaldyWonk your conkerWork things outWorking at your own speedWorking late at the officeWorking up a foamy latherWorking without AnnetteWrestle the dragonWrestle the eelWrestling with the bald champWring out your ropeWrist aerobicsYank the crankYank the yo-yoYank your plankEvicting the testicular squatters as a teenager was insane. Just... Insane. The Mormon church needs to get out of people's bedrooms.