Life and Thoughts and Such.

“What Does it Truly Mean, to Marry Him?”

This phrase is something that kinda has rung thru my brain for a while; since Marth and i got engaged in October.
My first thoughts, of course, are having someone, physically, emotionally, spiritually, with me, for the rest of my life.
But what does that even mean?
Besides having someone to share a queen-sized bed with (you decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing 😛 ), a constant companion, someone who makes the final calls in the household so i don’t have to, a “roommate” as it were, to split rent with and support me; a best friend, really…what else?

Sometimes, as i believe every person does in their life from time to time, i look at my life, and find myself thinking things like,
“We don’t have alot of money; he must not be providing well.”
“We don’t have everything figured out; he must not be planning well.”
“We disagree on things; i’m afraid that will adversely affect our relationship later.”
“We’re just so different.”

I could go on and on, but you get the gist of it. I’m complaining, and I’m worrying.
While money, personalities, plans and all those things are important, for sure, and essential to living a successful life, in any sense of the word, I find myself coming back to this one thought.

“What does it truly mean…to marry him? Am i up for this, really? How can i be, if i have these doubts and fears and anxieties that i can’t see a resolution to? How do i know this is right?”

Marriage is a provision of God, that gives us someone to suffer with.

When i look at Marth, and all the things I’m anxious about, I picture if they were solved…if i traded him, but had no worries, no anxieties, and no foreseeable reason for any of them…I couldn’t do it.
As much as i am a “doer”, a planner, and a go-getter, kicking and fighting, and never quitting until i get what i set out to do, no matter what the odds…I will give these anxieties and fears to my Lord, and let him deal with them, and with me…Because there is no other human on the face of this earth that i would rather suffer with, both now in these little, normal-young-couple difficulties, and eventually (i’m certain) later as well.
Right now, it’s money, and our future. Later, it could be increased wedding stress, family tension after we’re married, job tension, money and lack thereof, children…the loss of a child. The loss of a sibling, parent or grandparent. An unexpected diagnosis. A faulty transmission in our last functional vehicle. Our greatest fears come to life.

We are dating, and now engaged, because i KNEW, in March of 2014, just before spring break; i knew that i didn’t want to spend my life without him.

So we will go on.

Anxieties and imperfections aside, differences and personality quirks on the back burner; when my world is coming down around me and i am at my worst…There is no one i’d rather have at my side than my Marth; always. Always.

I’m not sure how we’ll figure out this job situation and money situation and plan situation, and future situation, but one thing i do know, is that we’ll do it together. Today, tomorrow, August 27th, and every day after that.

I love you Marth. I am thankful every day that you chose me. Keep your chin up. 🙂 We’ll get thru this, just fine. We’ll be ‘right. We’ll make it, someday.

“Still he braves his path…
And the dust and the dirt cloud his vision,Onward he rides, unafraid.He fights the good fight, for good reason,A star that refuses to fade.”

-Blackmore’s Night, ‘Windmills’.

“I’ll be there, in the nightWhen you need me…just call my name.I’ll be there, close your eyes, and you’ll see me.…Just call my name.”