John Thaxter to Abigail Adams

[dateline] Paris 14th. Novr. 1782

I forwarded a Letter to You,1 Madam, yesterday by Capt. Barney, Commander of the Packet Washington, and this I
expect will go by the Cicero, Capt. Hill. Have the Vessels done passing between Boston
and Europe? I have received no Letters a long time from home, and I begin to grow
a little impatient, especially since I have heard of my Father's Misfortune.2 I have a half Story about the Matter, but am as yet pretty much in the dark. Deshon
is not arrived as yet, and I cannot concieve what has become of him. He has Letters
for me, You have informed me, and I should be monstrous Glad, as the English say, to get hold of them. I enjoy a Satisfaction in recieving Letters
from home, that I could not have concieved of, but under such Circumstances. It is
a good Antidote to Chagrin and melancholy, that is, when there is no bad news contained
in them.

The Date of my Letter puts me in Mind of a sober Moment, the Idea of it casts a Gloom
upon my Spirits. 'Tis very probable, that I shall never quit America again after my
Return, which may be next Spring or beginning of Summer. If I was to do it, however,
I would never go thro' again the Pangs of a parting Adieu. I have had one Taste myself,
and have seen too many tender ones to reconcile me to the Practice.

I had a Letter from Master John yesterday, dated 27th. Septr. last.3 He was then very well. I fancy he will come on to Holland in the Spring if not before.
He expresses a desire to return home; but if he was to find his Mamma and Sister in
Europe, I can easily concieve his Tune would be changed. He knows nothing of the Letter4 as yet, and will be much surprized to hear that his Pappa has wrote You concerning
your coming to Europe.

He says Mr. D[ana] will leave Petersbourg in May next. I doubt it much. Perhaps his Presence there may
be necessary for a longer Period. The English Papers say, that the King of G. Britain
has acknowledged the Sovereignty and Independence of America. I can't contradict them. They say also that Mr. Oswald has exchanged at Paris full Powers
with the American Ministers. Who contradicts it? If this is the Case, it is no longer
a Hostility for a Neutral Power to acknowledge our Independence, since G. Britain has set the Example. You must take Madam D[ana] out with You in the Spring, that She may go and drop a Curtesey to Madam the Empress, perhaps her { 41 } Husband will negotiate to more Advantage. But all this by the bye if You please.

We live in curious times. To look one Way and row another is common, but to look two
ways at once is rather hard. It is however necessary, and one must look abroad as
well as at home. There is but one Path of Policy to move in with hopes of Success,
and that is an honest and an independent one. He that will not look to his own steps, and provide for his own Safety, ought
not to reckon too far upon the Benevolence of his Neighbour, nor does he deserve much.
He that is capable of governing himself, and does not, or will not, deserves leading Strings, or to become subject to the Anarchy of a Bedlam.

[salute] Remember me as due if You please. I have the Honor to be, with the most perfect Respect
and Esteem, Madam, your most humble Servant.

2. Complaining about having received no letters from his family for some time, Thaxter
wrote on 12 Nov. to his father: “I hope my next Letter will bring me the very agreable
News of your perfect Recovery from your fall, and the particulars of your Misfortune”
(MHi: Thaxter Papers).

John Thaxter to Abigail Adams

[dateline] Paris 19th. November 1782

[salute] Madam

In my melancholy, unhappy Moments, (for such I sometimes have), I recur to my old
Letters for Consolation, and to none with more pleasure than the sentimental ones
of Portia. Letters give Wings to the Imagination; and by their Aid I can transport
myself in an instant to H[ingha]m, or B[rai]n[tr]ee and there enjoy the Company of my Friends. In reading over again your's of the
18th. July last,1 I cannot refrain from again repeating my Inquiry, who the Eliza is, that was so ill advised as to wear my Miniature? This is a Custom, that I would
condemn even in a Sister. I detest the Practice, and cannot comprehend the Reason
of it. If it is considered as a Pledge of Affection, why is it hung out for the Eye
of the World? If it must be worn at all, why not nearer the Heart, which a Miniature
seems to indicate, is given. This is a personal matter between two, and the World
have no business to be looking at such kind of Signs for proof of Affection, or rather the Parties concerned ought not to hold up to public
View such Tokens, as Evidence of a mutual Passion. A young { 42 } Lady, with a Miniature at her Breast, becomes the Object of every Gentlemen of her
Acquaintance as well as of Strangers, and by such a Disposition of the Phiz2 of her Lover, She courts the Notice, and tacitly consents to the Examination of every
one, who is disposed to apol[og]ize for a Glance, or more deliberate View, of the Wonders of Nature, by a handsome
or bungling Compliment paid to her Flame. A prying Curiosity is not content with a
remote view, when so strong a Temptation and so favorable an Opportunity offer for
a nearer one. Is it not a kind of Intrusion of a Gentleman upon Company, and a force
upon them to talk about him, Oh! that is Mr. such an one—how does he do? When did
You hear from him—I hope he is well &c. &c. A multitude of other questions naturally
follow, which I should imagine would give pain to the Lady. I have much more to say
on this matter, but I forbear, lest You should think me too severe and illiberal,
which would hurt me extremely—for I mean no such thing—and lest You should think,
that I flattered myself, some young Lady wore my Miniature out of partiality to me,
which I am sure and positive She does not—for I am equally sure, that there is not
one, whose Partiality would carry her so far. If I had the least Suspicion of any
thing of the Kind, my Mortification would surpass infinitely the Impropriety of such
a Testimony of it. I feel myself happy, that no such Partiality exists on the part
of any young Lady towards me. I do not wish for such an one, until I see my way clear
for Matrimony, which will never be. I do not pretend to deny, that I have had partialities,
or that I am without a little Spice of one now—but I do deny roundly, that I have ever had any, where some of my Friends
have suspected and said. I am sure, that Matrimony will never overtake me—nor I Matrimony.
And whatever Violence my own feelings undergo, I make a point of checking every Sentiment,
that would leap the bounds of Esteem and assume the Shape of Love. But do not think
that Matrimony and Miniatures are equal Sharers of Contempt. I respect the former,
much more, than I dislike the Custom of wearing the latter. My Ideas of the former
are the same as ever, and I hope I shall ever speak with the same degree of Respect
of it as I ever have done. But all this may be, and yet the very best of Reasons may
be given for declining a Connection of this Sort. Such are my Ideas and my Conduct
must square with them. However, enough of this. Time must discover whether my Resolution
can keep its Ground before the Charms of Mind and Person of such an one or such an
one.

Spent last Evening at Mrs. Jay's, in Company with Mrs. Izard and two Daughters, Mrs.
Montgomery and Mrs. Price, most agreably—quite an American Society of Ladies, and
one cannot but pass their Time happily in such Company. The two Miss Izards speak
the french Language with perfect Ease as well as their Mamma. There is a great pleasure
in conversing with them, and much french to be learnt—for that Reason I shall never
be backard in visiting them as often as I can find time. The young Ladies are chatty—have
had a good Education and are very polite. Their Mamma is a very worthy Lady. Mrs.
Jay is a very sensible and amiable Lady, and as far as I am a Judge of these Matters,
her Husband made an admirable Choice. They live perfectly happy in each other's Society—with
Tempers and Dispositions in Unison, what is there wanting to complete that little
portion of Bliss allowed here below. 'Tis an agreable Spectacle, calculated for the
pleasing Contemplation of a mind capable of an Interest in another's Happiness—softens
the Heart and harmonizes the Affections. Mrs. Montgomery is a sprightly Widow—has a fine flow of Spirits, and is sensible—and good Company. Mrs. Price is a Canadian
Lady. I am rather of a Stranger to her as yet. She appears however a Lady of great
Vivacity.

I find these Parties very agreable—and much like home, and wherever I find any thing
like that, I am driven to it by an irresistible Impulse—for I think our Society the
first in the World. I speak without Partiality and without Hipocrisy. I love to be acquainted, but not on Terms of Ceremony—distant smiles and Bows are
crooked Lines and distorted features in my Ideas of an agreable Acquaintance.

The Weather still continues bad. We have had a most disagreable Spring, Summer and
Autumn. If the Winter is of the same Cast, I shall be very sorry. However the best
way is to take the Weather as it comes, and think no more of it.

You will suspect from the former part of my Letter, that a sober fit has seized me—but
I assure You, setting aside political Matters, I have never had a finer flow of Spirits.
I was gay enough last night—for the Widow and I have generally some Chat when we meet. I am not sober, but am only endeavouring
to sow all my wild Oats, as the sober folks say. I heard a certain Gentleman of your Acquaintance, (your dearest friend, and You ought to know him)
say, that if Madam A. and Daughter had been two of the Party last Evening, the Company
{ 44 } would have appeared much more brilliant in his Eyes. I presume You are of his Opinion.
For my own part, I should have been rejoiced at so respectable an Addition to the
Party. I am persuaded You would have passed the Evening agreably.

I have not been to see my amiable Nun yet.3 I must go. She can give me some wholesome Advice perhaps—but I swear off being a
Monk beforehand. I will go and get her Bendiction and good wishes—which will be sincere
and comforting.

Duty and Respects and Love as due.

[salute] I have the honor to be, with Sentiments of perfect Esteem & Respect, Madam, your most
obedient & most humble Servant.

3. Thaxter had become acquainted with a nun, a “Miss Maroni,” in Aug. 1780, during his
earlier residence in Paris (vol. 3:398–399; 4:27, 96). She was the daughter of an Irish merchant residing in Bilbao, Spain, whom JA, and probably Thaxter, had met in Jan. 1780 (JA, Diary and Autobiography, 4:237).