Yet another Dump (Feel free to skip)

March 19th, 2014 at 05:51 am

I am down in the dumps. I am feeling tired, overwhelmed, depressed, etc. I don't usually feel this way. The weather is dark and gloomy and raining. Death was too much yesterday. My friend's mother and Sicily. I'm perseverating about the missing jet. A friend of mine knew a couple on the plane (a Canadian citizen of Indian descent with a Chinese wife) and they had two small children. I am a person of faith, but can't seem to find it today. I don't think any amount of rosaries is going to make me feel better today, and I might as well feel that pain and get over it.

Someone I care a lot about is experiencing the first anniversary of a death. I reached out and was shut out. I know the grief experience is different and difficult for everyone, and I hate being socially awkward and not having reassurance that I'm understood. Definitely MY problem.

My best friend is falling apart (again) and there isn't much I can do. She sabotaged the new relationship and was highly offended when the man said he was concerned about her recent bankruptcy. She then needed to point out that he lived with his sister and has four kids, which is something she is concerned about (financially). And then my brother turned up as a match for her from e-harmony. Funny, they don't like each other in real life. My brother found this so mortifying that he said he'd block her and wanted to pull a Voldemort ("never call this by name again.") Anyhow, friend doesn't have a job after 4/18 (she is a contract employee) and need surgery and thinks she will cash in her only retirement asset ($8K) to see her through recovery. She has saved $1,300 for her REHAB fund, but then just spent $300 on a refurbished computer that isn't really a need,

And my inlaws have gotten the LIFELINK ("Help, I've fallen and I can't get up") and this has depressed my husband immensely. They are getting up in years (late 60s) and don't have a sound financial plan. They just inherited $8K and had fun at the casino. They did buy my husband a snow blower with the funds, which was a wonderfully generous gift. But he is concerned about them (financially and physically). He is an only child and not handling the stress well of the job and life.

My communication with my husband is at all-time low. He's definitely morphed into someone I don't know very well, which is a shock after 24+ years together. I've gone so far as to suggest that maybe he take a weekend away and go and visit his parents. There is an upcoming retreat in April that I am encouraging him to go on. He is reluctant. He's gained weight, no energy, stress from the job, I don't know anymore.

Well, I've cleaned some of the cobwebs out of my head and might go to take a nap. I'm having 20 people over for dinner on Saturday night and am in denial about that. I guess I will worry about that later.

6 Responses to “Yet another Dump (Feel free to skip)”

((Hugs)) Some days are just like this where you can't find the positive and beauty of life. I hope you can find peace today. I would guess, as you probably know, that your husband is just under a lot of stress and that is morphing his coping skills and personality. A daily walk together might help, as I find connecting with nature to help reconnect me to the beauty that is around us.

((hugs)) you are right about just needing to feel the pain and get through it, sometimes. Hang in there and I promise that you'll feel better soon. Stressful jobs can make spouses seem like strangers temporarily, but they come back to you. You're doing the right things and so all you can do is carry on for now. ((more hugs))

Thank you for your support. I took a nap and sort of slept. I can't say that I feel much better, but it did help clearing out the emotional baggage I'm carrying around a bit. For me, it boils down to this: with all the losses I'm feeling (those I am aware of personally and further out of the circles of my life), I want to hold those closest to me in harmony. Where if something bad were to happen, at least we'd have been good. I am not a realist. I tend toward Pollyanna or Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. I don't complain much. As communication gaps are occuring, I'm feeling less connected than usual, and it scares me. And it makes me clingy in some instances, and I find clinginess awkward and I like to be strong and not want reassurance, but I really need it right now and am not getting it. Except from here. So, I do thank you immensely. I know I'll be OK, but it just feels so odd and strange and depressing and negative right now. So again, thanks.

As someone that is dealing with a lot of loss myself, I can tell you that even if someone shuts you out....we still appreciate the thought. I find myself being clingy too and sometimes scared. But I am trying to use this as a time to nurture the relationships I have and to truly cherish those that I still have with me.

Hope you feel better. Hang in there and continue to try to communicate. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

{{hugs}} I'm having a hard time dealing with the losses right now too. My co-worker's murder, and then Sicily's death on top of it and then the two-year anniversary of my dad's dying ... I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions.

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