D: You know, this is not going to end well for you – said the man in the mirror.

Me: Who are you? Why am I even listening?

D: Oh? I am shocked you don’t know who I am. Been with you since the day you were born. Your own personal devil. Always at your service good sir.

Me: How can that be? I have the Holy Spirit!

D: So says you. You have or may not have an angel as well. What does that matter to me? Different rules apply down here. Up there, I may not go. Down here, “As you people say, it’s a free world.” So chin up, the field is always ripe, and there is plenty of fruits to pluck. Though I am ashamed that for my own personal human, you haven’t been doing any plucking, and it’s affecting my KPA! Now, the last chap I was assigned to, he was a different ballgame altogether – “ball” game, you get it? (Smirk) Ha Ha! We were together till his last breath. In fact, after I saw him off, I got a promotion for a job well done! Those were the good old days! But you on the other hand, are cramping my style and “falling my hand O!”

Don’t look so glum. Yeah, I know, she’s written you off completely as a feckless, callous, unfeeling, son-of-a-b***h. I think you made her cry. It’s OK to make women cry when they are fully totally in love with you, in fact you can get away with almost anything including murder. But it is a no-no when you are still shuffling your feet at the door. That tentative feeling they had for you, well, it gets converted into pork-steaming hate. You are a gonner buddy! The sooner you accept it the better.

Me: But I can’t sleep. I can’t think of anything else. Why am I even telling you all these? Your dad is after all, your dad is the father of all lies.

D: You can’t sleep? How is that my problem? I don’t sleep either. We can keep each other company. And who are you gonna tell? The pope? Take it from me, I don’t tell all lies. In fact, the amount of lie in anything I say varies from 100% to 0% when I think the truth will aid my goal.

OK, OK. Let me tell you a little truth. I have been in contact with her personal devil. And it ain’t looking good for you buddy! If you were a nice cut of beef, sliced, diced, parboiled and served with a side of fresh veg., she had eat you for lunch at this point!

Me: How do you know that?

D: Don’t get slow on me now. Well, we can’t actually read your thoughts, but your faces and actions give the game away all the time. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know it wouldn’t make a difference: you write stuff down and tell stuff to your friends and families. Well, I can read, and there is no law against eavesdropping. Can you even call it that? It’s not like I am there backing you, and pretending not to be listening, is it? In fact, I am looking over your shoulders and reading as you write and going “Yeah! Yeah! Give it to them! Way to go buddy!”

Me: So what am I to do? Any hope?

D: So now you are asking me for advice?

Me: Scratch that! No! I was thinking out loud.

D: If you say so. But you know all liars shall have their portion, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. A lot of anything is a good thing right? Carry go!

You have been digging portholes all these while and tripping over them. But this one takes the cake! It’s like bringing in a motorized digger after exploding a ton of C4. And don’t forget falling in afterwards. You are up the proverbial sh*t creek without a paddle, and in a strait jacket. What you gonna stir with? Your legs?

Me: I didn’t do it on purpose. Never meant to hurt her.

D: You can tell yourself that all day long till the cows come home and the stars come out. But it aint gonna do you a world of good. Your goose is cooked and your bacon is deep fried. And don’t let me even get started on your steak.

Me: And what is with the American-speak?

D: Well, I got that a while back. A century ago to be precise. My work involves a lot of travelling you know. See, I was with this America dude. Great guy if I say so myself. And that is saying a lot. Because those were the dark days when men got religion like there was a fire in their britches! But he was having none of it. He was dead drunk the day he kicked the bucket, and was screaming and cursing like a crazy bedbug till his heart finally gave in. Ha! Ha! I almost died of laughter (almost, mind you, I can’t actually die). But hey, enough about me. What are you going to do? I could proffer a solution or two, but since you don’t want my sagely advice, let’s hear what you have in mind. It’s not like you have been doing a bad job until now, is it?

Anyways, thanks for the drama. I was getting old watching you pick your nose in slo-mo! At least now, I have something interesting to pass along to the crew rather than be the bore of the party.

Let’s go!

You need to give up. Some things can’t be fixed. And I am telling you this is one of them. After all, I should know. I thought I joined the winning team back in the beginning, but boy, was I wrong?!

(Silence)

D: Can I make a suggestion? It works every time. Now listen to this. If you were to die, all your sins would be forgotten and forgiven. Immediately. I have never seen it not work. Just crash your car going 220Km/hr or jump down from the top of a tall (at least 20 floors) building. She won’t even remember what it was you did that was wrong! How about it? Will you at least consider it? And let me know what you think?

(Silence)

Me: How can I get you out of my head? I need to think.

D: Technically, I am not inside your head. I am at your shoulder. I am on the left shoulder, and your so-called angel is on the right, but I think he’s got a sore throat since you can’t hear him.

“Hey bro, who you been kissing? Better get that throat looked at. Looks nasty. Could be the death of you I hope.”

See? No answer. So, he is either not there at all or I am right about that sore throat. What sort of angel gets a sore throat? Fakes and hacks I tell you.

You really should give him the old heave-ho once and for all. At least, we know what I am here for. To get you in trouble. But what has he ever done for you? In fact, the chap is getting me into a right old mood. Let’s just ignore him.

Now, where were we? Yes. I remember. Me proposing suicide and you accepting it. When are you gonna make that jump buddy. I will try not to watch. Blood and gore are not exactly good for my constitution. But I will be there all the way with you buddy. All the way down! You will never walk alone! Let’s do it. Let’s do it now. Let’s show them buddy! Let’s show them we have got balls of steel and can do anything we want. Yes, we can!

Me: Will you kindly go away. I have to pray.

D: Why would you go and do such a thing? I thought we were connecting on a really deep level and you want to go and spoil that?

D: Why are you laughing? I hope you are not humming as well? Has the price of sugar fallen? Did we elect a new governor and I didn’t know about it? Did you hit the mother-load?

Me: No. But no thanks to you, we are good again.

D: Who are these “we” and what are we good about?

Me: Yeah, you can pretend all you want. It was only this morning you tried to convince me that it was never going to work out.

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

Me: What is that noise?

D: It’s me hitting my head against the wall hard enough to crack a coconut. You should try it sometime. Does wonders when you have c**ked up something. And you get to repeat “Darn! Darn! Darn!” under your breath as well.

Well, I give up. But that makes how many friends you got? 3, 5 or 7? You have got nothing on me! I have so many friends, they are coming out of my pores. They are legion. Get it? “Legion”

And are we not going to celebrate this? I can have my friends over in a minute. And don’t worry about needing space for the party. We don’t mind being packed tighter than a can of Sardines. There is enough space on your shoulders and in your coconut for us. Let’s get this party started!

And another solution to your problem (which I know will soon return). Once we get the party started, we can drive you stark, raving, mad. Don’t forget the stark part. Stark naked. Nothing to be ashamed of. Even Adam was stark naked in the beginning, and don’t believe that business with the leaves. Didn’t do a damn thing. He only needed to look at Eve, and well, the leaves stopped working.

Any-hoos. It’s like I gotta bounce for a while. You ain’t cooperating. And I have got other eggs to fry – other bacons in the fire. Be a good boy while I am gone and be a little bad eh? Just a little. Just for Daddy eh?

Taking offence I called you a little boy? Boo Hoo. How old are you? 30, 40? That doesn’t even register on my calendar. I have been around since this joint was established. That ought to tell you something.

And don’t be too happy OK. You know what they say, “This world is one continuous sad trip, with little breaks of happiness once in a long while.” Well, this break is about to end soon – if I have anything to do with it.

Oh? So now, you won’t talk to me again? Giving me the cold shoulder? Pretending you can’t hear me now are we? No problem!

You know I know you will soon be writing stuff down again and I will be right there with you, reading your every thought.