Piranha (2010)

The most entertaining 3D movie ever made. And, unlike that shitty Pocahontas remake with all the blue bastards (The Smurfs, I think it was called) this one actually still works in 2D and on home cinema. Sure, some of the actings might suck and there's a flabby midsection full of teenage idiocy, but what this movie understands is that 3D was practically made for high octane gore, nudity and dismembered penis. And not fucking 7ft Smurfs flying around on dragons and shit. Well, not exclusively.

An underwater tremor releases scores of prehistoric Piranha into the heaving Lake Victoria, just in time for Spring Break. Sheriff Julie Forester (Shue) investigates, aided briefly by Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd and the asshole brother (but not a stepbrother) from off've Stepbrothers.Meanwhile, her kind of annoying son finds himself on a yacht with a porn director (O' Connell), some girl who looks like a High School Musical kid and two pornstars (one of them being Kelly Brook). All this, her two young children have gone missing and there's a cameo from Eli Roth.

Everything after the cameo from Richard Dreyfuss and before Christopher Lloyd is disposable guff. There are moments of gore and quite a lot of nudity, but none of it particularly compelling. I was just about to write Piranha off as a disappointment, when it finally amped up several notches. And how.

Like his Hills Have Eyes remake, director Alexandre Aja isolates everything that made the original movie good (in this case, lashings of gore and nudity) and amplifies it tenfold. When the piranhas make their big setpiece attack, it feels positively apocalyptic: there's gore and mutilation everywhere. If this is what you look for from a horror flick, then you'll in no way be disappointed by Piranha. I thoroughly enjoyed the fishy carnage and disgusting splatter. Even the terrible CGI has its charms.

Also with considerable charm is Elisabeth Shue, who doesn't do nearly enough these days. Her role as town sheriff hardly gives her much room to flex any actorly muscles, but she's a welcome presence. The lack of a tangible threat for much of the movie means there's nothing for Ving Rhames to punch, but he manages to get in at least one instance of the baddassery that we've all come to expect from the actor. I like the Adam Scott guy from Stepbrothers too, although the movie could do without the Sheriff's annoying kids and the girlfriend. Jerry O' Connell makes a fine sleazebag and Kelly Brook is... well, she's Kelly Brook.

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Blurbs

"If you're a little crass, prefer to hear it like it is and are interested in 'the fortunes of the ball gag in mainstream cinema', Porkhead's Horror Review Hole is for you. It's like chatting horror movies with a good mate over beers." - Rue Morgue Magazine, Issue 112

"Not nearly as disturbing as the juxtaposition of the words 'porkhead' and 'hole' may lead you to expect it to be" - Final Girl