Friday, January 18, 2008

Cry Baby, Redux

Sometimes, you write something, and believe it to be, like, one-hundred and ten percent true - like, say, I cry so much because I am hormonal, and happy- and then, just hours later, you find yourself standing in the kitchenwares aisle at Zellers sobbing and whimpering, to no-one in particular, I am crying because I CANNOT HANDLE THIS SHIT, I CANNOT HANDLE THIS SHIT, I CANNOT DO THIS, as your toddler disappears around another corner with a fistful of lifted lollipops in her tiny hands, cackling with the maniacal glee that only a shoplifting toddler can summon.

And you seriously consider going home and deleting every reference to happiness from your blog and very possibly removing every single happiness signifier in your household - beginning with that stupid grin on that stupid stuffed Dora doll that Wonderbaby received for Christmas, which, you think, could be quite effectively dealt with by means of black Sharpie - because how can one be happy when one simply cannot cope with the quotidien requirements of being a mother while also being pregnant and having run out of chocolate?

And although you don't make the tempting deletions, and you resist defacing the nauseatingly cheerful Dora doll with a Sharpie pen, and you do, thankfully, wake up the next day feeling a little more balanced, you decide that you need to be a lot more careful about your declarations about happiness, because the gods are bitches, and they will fuck with you if you get cocky.

I try to be careful about saying things like that just for the very reason you mentioned. Hang in there! Before you know it you will have a newborn and a toddler and your life will get even crazier (but in a good way)

Oh, dear...I think most women who were/are pregnant can relate to this post. E- gads.....Sorry. Yes, I guess more chocolate is in order. Can't have liquor....yet. So, yes, chocolate..lots of it....hopefully helps to balance the hormones. At least that is what I tell myself every month! You know what? It WORKS ;-)

I hate to ruin the thread here but chocolate may be your enemy!!I have had to quit chocolate (not completely sometimes I still give in), I have spent the last three weeks of this pregnancy bawling and then I gave up the chocolate that was fuelling me everyday. First day was horrific but next one was much easier, haven't cried since (yes I lie I cried when I watched "Bridge to Terabithia").

YOu know (as she thoughtfully eats a piece of chocolate) I really wish there was a service where you could get emergency chocolate delivered to your door STAT. The delivery service could use an old ambulance and stock it with any chocolate imagined. YOu'd call a number and they'd be on their way. Chocolate ice cream or cheesecake? No problem! Truffles, candies or cookies? Sure thing! And if you needed to, there's be a massage chair there too in the back so you could sit in silence, sweet, sweet silence, all by yourself, eat your candy, and then order a big ole bag to hide for later.

Someone needs to get on that. But not me. I'd eat too much of my inventory.

I hear ya, sweetie. The boys are only two years apart, and I definitely had days where there just wasn't enough chocolate to hold the hormones in check. Also? I sobbed constantly while pregnant with Kaitlyn.

I second Lisa's idea about a chocolate delivery service. Whoever makes that a reality would be an instant bazillionaire. Hang in there.

Oh, one of those days. Hope tomorrow's better. Pregnancy can suck sometimes...but then you think about the bigger picture. And you get through it. Chocolate is a great cure-all, hope you see lots of it soon.Have a great weekend.

Hormones are rather like the difference between hallucinating and being delusional. When you hallucinate you are completely aware that what you are seeing is 'false' - this is what most people believe you have the capability of when you're hormonal, to distance yourself from your feelings and be objective, whereas, it's more like being delusional, you're whacked out but you don't have the perspective to realise you're being loopy. Same with hormones, you know you're pregnant/PMS'ing, etc but that knowledge doesn't affect how you feel, you can't distance yourself from it, you really are feeling overwhelmed/weepy/stressed for no good reason!!

Ah - happiness relies on the dark side for its existence at all, sorry. You know how when you're sick, you SOOOOO remember how great normal felt and you vow to be happy and grateful, and then the flu's gone and you're well again and you're grateful for a nanosecond and you forget the misery. It's all one big cycle and utterly unavoidable. Just gets more intense when you're cycling with/through a family. . . .

MinnesotaMatron, yours is the nearest to my comprehension. Anything outside the present moment is too broad and too protean. I recall Joan Didion's words: "Life changes fast. Life changes in a instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

Or, the Reverend Sidney Smith's advice, as quoted in John Bayley's memoir of his wife Iris Murdoch: "Take short views of human life - never further than dinner or tea."

What make moments wonderful are the inverse possibilities, the inevitable flip sides.

It's not just the hormones- it's the tiredness. There's no way lugging a medicine ball about while chasing a two yr old is gonna improve anyone's mood. My daughter has discovered the joy of bolting and laughs hysterically when I catch her and use the "I'm really mad and this is really serious" voice on her. I can still catch her, but at week 23, I'm looking ahead with just a teensy bit of concern. In other words, it's sooo not just you.