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Going postal now limited to Mon-Fri

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Postal Service has taken a major step toward creating a safer work environment at post offices throughout America. The Postmaster General announced a key change that it will no longer be possible for employees to go postal on Saturdays.

“By closing all post offices on Saturdays, we eliminate 1 out of 6 days for going postal. This improves workplace safety by 16.7% which is a step in the right direction.” said Postmaster General, John E. Potter.

When asked if the change may instead cause more employees to go postal at home, Potter commented, “Technically, for it to be considered going postal, it has to happen in a postal facility. At home it’s just another case of domestic violence. We can’t control what people do at home.”

Ironically, the change has caused intense anger among the majority of postal workers who face the loss of Saturday overtime pay. Reportedly, Mr. Potter has received numerous death threats from disgruntled postal workers.

Postal worker Judith McCallum who works at the Sioux Falls sorting center said, “If the Postmaster General was worried about us going postal, he should’ve given us a raise! When I find that mother f***er I’m gonna go triple postal all over his ass!”