The Tom Travolta hybrid

If you mashed Tom Cruise and John Travolta together, wouldn’t Taylor Lautner come out the other side? As you know, for a long time now, I’ve been calling him Tom Cruise Jr. But lately he’s added a little Danny Zuko/Tony Manero flavour to his dance routine. I call it Top Gun Grease. This is not a porn.

Check him out, all leather-clad and suave-y at Teen Choice last night with 5 new hairs above his lip like a real boy trying to be a man. And then on stage, inspired perhaps by the extension displayed in the volleyball scene, Top Gun Grease lifts up one arm to salute the crowd, combining the move with a cheeky side eye and a lip pout, proving yet again that they just can’t make this kid cool, no matter how hard they try, which is exactly Tom Cruise’s problem too.

Is it mean? Is he too young to be subjected to such scrutiny, scorn, snark?

Of course he’s too young. He’s also too young to be run like a machine, molded by a studio, suppressed by a father, sold as a heartthrob. I’m ok with you yelling at me. But once in a while you should try yelling at the people who are putting him there.