I am NOT able to access my google account on my phone (Galaxy S4). At all. So all of my apps that have to do with having a google account (namely, the Playstore) aren't working. They act like they're opening, then they freak out and close. I reset all of the data associated to all of my google apps and opened one. It asked me if I would like to add a google account to my phone. I clicked "add account". Then the app freaked out and closed. I opened up Chrome. It asked me if I'd like to sign in. I clicked "sign in". Nothing happened.

I have done everything Mr. Google says to do (uninstalling/reinstalling apps, trying to enable the account from the device manager, clearing data/caches, restarting my phone, etc., etc.) and NOTHING IS WORKING.

Somewhere, somehow, even though I had JUST CHECKED IT 10 MINUTES AGO AND IT WASN'T THERE, my Google Account Manager had been turned off. It only took an hour of fiddling and three phone restarts for that to appear under my "turned off" list of apps. WTF.