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Permanent Expressions and Permanently Exposed, 2004. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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I hate you, thief!

March 17, 2019

Psychologically other human beings, situations, the world around us changes our brain and way of thinking. Ideas and beliefs are formed in ways that run so deep, it takes a hell of work to get over it, see it differently, and or change our thinking pattern.

Growing up as a child then finding a way as a teen around someone’s addictions is difficult. It’s easy to go from what is familiar to another addictive personality because it is what we accept to be our truth, even when the truth is entirely ugly. Then in no time at all, you have realized your own addiction has manifested.

Becoming everything you despised, but finally understanding in a new way, its all about forgetting the world around us.

We try so hard to lose the reality we know at times when it isn’t easy to face, we’d prefer at times to get wrapped up in a worldwind of lies, fake flashes of some other life that resembles nothing close to our own.

Deep down we have to keep searching for that escape, and sadly those that we love, often are left feeling left behind, confused, and alone.

Day after day after the feeling gets overwhelming and some days it’s too much. It isn’t easy watching sadly from the other side seriously trying so hard to understand. The feelings often move like a roller coaster wondering if they will ever feel the deserved guilt because the anger and hurt is well set in, and all that is felt is, your life “together” just wasn’t enough.

Speaking from the adult point of view, yes it stemmed from childhood, but I’m talking about one area here. I found myself in a marriage where I spent the first few years dealing with anger to eventually progressive rage. The chosen addiction was, gaming, sports, television, and alcohol. I spent years angry he wouldn’t put me first, always on the back burner, after almost 7 years trying to do it alone. I eventually found solace in not needing him because I was becoming a new mama, a first time mother.

Little did I understand at that young time in my life the animosity would only get worse because I would need him more now than ever. What was acceptable to me by allowing myself to be ignored, and put second, well that was not going to be as acceptable for my daughter.

I am sad that I allowed and played my part to allow a constant disconnection in marriage. It seemed that began so innocently. It seemed innocent, it was gaming and watching television; most would consider that innocent.

The problem is when we talked we had to wait for a certain point in his game for a pause, or we would get yelled at, or a commercial, when he got home its the first thing he went to. When he fell asleep it was the last thing he saw and heard and all in between we maneuvered in for his attention.

One day I had enough and I was tired of being second, I got his PlayStation where he not only gamed from but watched all his beloved movies… I threw it from the top floor of our home with so much force it didn’t just come down with a hit, I made sure all my force sent it crashing down with no chance of a possibility of survival and if I could’ve I would have tortured that thing for weeks! Every time I looked at it in the house it was like a smiling mistress taunting me.

I hated him for allowing anything to take “us” away, but even more for ignoring me and eventually his only child at the time. The disrespect grew as she got older and I went from her toddler years of teaching her to act cute, win him over, to teaching her we don’t need him and let’s get out of here.

I promised never to buy a TV once I had the courage to leave him. I kept my word and explained to the family we wouldn’t have a TV, until my kids were old enough to bring one in themselves; that they paid for. I went on to have 2 more kids with him, because the only identity I had, was being a mother… And my son comes💞

My son wanted a tv, and found the love of gaming early on, how could I hold it against him for what his father did, so I allowed it, after his older sister got him a T.V.

I remember feeling so vulnerable when I’d hear anyone’s TV on, almost as if they were turning to the other side. I had a huge fear I would lose my family to the power of that shitbox.

My current situation is , I am in love, with my forever, I have a love we are raising a family together… He deserves everything in this life and how can I allow something so insignificant to get between us? It isn’t easy to ignore and work through because while its an insignificant piece of material, its so significant to me in so many emotional ways.

Once the cable was hooked not too long ago, he came home and began immediately switching through channels and the anxiety came full force. I wasn’t about to let this get to me, I work through my own shit.

Your true work in life is to keep lifting your frequency, because everything in your life comes as a result of the frequency you are on.

I promised to myself I would leave the TV on for a few hours every day and just get use to it being on while he was at work so I could hear it and see it, desynthesize! I know about this!

Day 1 I was proud it had been on for hours and I was able to get through my day doing my “daily’s” not allowing it to get to me. I actually laughed a little and enjoyed the dumb tube. It was so easy to be entertained with absolutely no thought process.

Day 2 I was annoyed and I tried hard to tune it out but I could hear the constant buzz of annoyance which made me feel irritable.

Day 3 No more television, its taking up my music time.

Today was movie day, uhggg I felt like fighting the world! And he gets 2 !!! 😫

TURN IT OFF ALREADY!!!! Forever a struggle!

We had movie night and I survived, it went well actually very different than before. He loved me, we held each other, and laughed, made our comments, kissed, cuddled, and I fed him ice cream… Venom lol that’s the first movie we have seen together. I don’t know if I want to sign up for movie night again so soon , but that was so entirely different and so sweet.

God didn’t call us to be comfortable; He called us to take new ground. The scary place is where we grow. It’s where we discover our wings so we can soar and become who we were created to be.