Friday, February 24, 2012

Horse Fuckers Inc.

Kevin Rudd has resigned from the position of Foreign Minister in a dummy spit so grand, we are still wiping the spittle from our eyes. Seems like there is turmoil in the Labour camp...as usual.

A Couple of years ago Kevin Rudd got chucked on his ass when the team lost faith in him, and Julia Gillard stepped up. Now it seems the kids have lost faith in Gillard, and a few might want Rudd back. Shady, under the counter dealings – and Rudd’s dramatic resignation seems to be some kind of cheeky chess move.

Now there will be a leadership vote on Monday, so we can decide who should really be Prime Minister.

And Jesus Sweaty Christ, hands up if you’re feeling a sense of Deja Fucking Vu.

What does the rest of the world think of the way we treat our leadership? Where you can chop and change Prime Minister every year and a half, like a homeless dude deciding which empty dog food can to lick?

Current odds if you want to gamble on this month's Prime Minister:

The endless loop of bullshit continues, though I must admit it’s kind of background noise to me. There is not a single Politician in Australia who has the power to do enough good, nor harm, for me to really take notice. When the more conservative pricks ban films from South Australian release it hits a little close to home. But at the end of the day, the difference between a banned film and a film you can actually watch, is a single internet download. Who gives a shit?

Now we are left with a battle between the annoying Gillard and that stroppy bully Rudd. And If Labour doesn’t get their shit together, the next major election might see this weird looking fuckwit in power:

None of those choices are very appetising. At this point, I would even settle for that lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over this lot. Especially after listening to this ballad:

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

This planet needs more Shod

So I there I was, wandering around the local playground participating in my new favourite past time called Todd Wad. The rules are pretty simple: you have to see how many times you can spit chewing gum into little kids’ hair before being attacked by angry parents. I was cruising towards a new high score quite comfortably, when suddenly, amongst an aroma of spearmint and salty child tears, an epiphany hit me - could I be spending my time doing something more productive?

My thoughts went to the Shoddy Blog - floating out here in cyberspace, lost and neglected like an Astronaut‘s turd.

Working shift work and going back to study (yes, I am a student again) had decreased my spare time last year, and far worse increased my levels of procrastination for endeavours such as this. The twin coat hangers of twitter and facebook have also given the brittle foetus of blogging a decent hammering in recent times. I was all but ready to chuck up a “Thanks for Reading” post and be done with this whole blogging gig – but now I’ve changed my mind for reasons I will make clear in a later post.

Uncle Beef is coming out of Blog Retirement.

I’ll let that sentence wash over, as you drop to your knees on your respective carpets, crippled with uncontrollable sobs of relief.

Now go to your bathrooms and fix your make up, as the emotional weeping has caused your mascara to run down your cheeks, and your faces looked like Pandas dipped in acid. Hideous.

Feel better? Good.

Anyway, this isn’t going to be easy, so bear with me. It’s been almost eight months, and also my keyboard is all funky and sticky like a Doberman has given birth to a litter of puppies on top of it. I’m also pretty hammered – got a blender for Christmas, and here I am at 1am on a Tuesday morning tipsy off frozen Margaritas (shut up fuck off am not an alcoholic).

I’m going to have to keep this update brief, as I’m kind of in a rush. Long story short: I plan to bring this blog up to a grand total of 300 posts (this post you are currently reading is number 262). I’ve given myself no real time scale for this achievement – you kids are fully aware of how tardy I can get.

Once I hit that magic number, I’m putting the Shoddy Blog out to pasture (shutting her down). Then I will either quit this gig for good...or create a brand spanking new revamped shoddy blog 2.0. See how I feel I guess.

Gotta go, just heard a knock at the door. That would be my New Year’s Resolution rocking up – I’m paying a local prostitute to dress up like Punky Brewster and kick me in the nuts repeatedly until I pass out.