Sunday, March 13, 2016

Do You Know The Way To Santa Fe?

A Creepy Old Guy punched a protester at a Trump rally. Later, said Creepy Old Guy spoke to reporters and threatened to murder the protester. Creepy Old Guy was either unaware or unconcerned that both actions are crimes as he committed them openly in front of the police, Secret Service, and TV cameras.

The next evening Trump canceled a rally in Chicago, because protestors showed up. Said protesters cheered at the news. Trump supporters lost their shit and all hell broke loose.

Trump claims, as he always does when violence erupts at his rallies, that it was the protestors who started fighting and throwing punches. It's the media who shows his supporters in a bad light. If this is true, why doesn't he use some of his billions and billions of dollars to hire his own camera crews to film the rallies?

I feel a little sympathy for the poor overexposed billionaire. He was obviously a victim last night. He didn't get to express his First Amendment rights because the protesters were expressing their First Amendment rights. As we all know, your rights end where Trump's begin.

America, the time has come to stop trying to reason with crazy people. It doesn't work. Because they're crazy. If Trump wants to be president and his crazy supporters want it that bad, let them have it. Just not in America.

We the People of the United States of America hereby confirm the secession of "@real" Donald J. Trump and the People Who Will Follow Him Even If He Shoots Someone In The Middle Of 5th Avenue.

In an effort to maintain peace in the United States, we will give up one state to "@real" Donald J. Trump and those who would have him as president. Trump and his cult-like followers will start a new country in New Mexico, hereinafter referred to as Trump Mexico and Casino.

My apologies to the people of New Mexico. You're going to have to take one for the team. It wasn't easy to pick a state. I considered several options including Trump Dakota and Trumpachussetts. Ultimately, Trump Mexico and Casino was the funniest option for obvious reasons.

Actually, New Mexico, you're going to have to take two for the team. President Trump of the new nation of Trump Mexico and Casino is going to build a big, beautiful wall surrounding the border of Trump Mexico and Casino. (A big, beautiful door won't be necessary.) New Mexico is going to pay for the wall. You're losing your state anyway. You might as well use whatever money your government has to pay for the wall.

Citizens of the state formerly known as New Mexico, currently the nation of Trump Mexico and Casino, are welcome to relocate to any of the remaining forty-nine states of America. (America, let's consider making D.C. a state so we don't have to make all new flags with forty-nine stars. That seems like a pain in the ass.)

For example, Creepy Old Guy whom I mentioned in the beginning of this article is going to Trump Mexico and Casino. If he doesn't go willingly, he will be deported. On the other hand, Gary Busey stays. He's funny. He was great in The Buddy Holly Story. And he suffers from brain damage, so he knows not what he does. Trump Mexico and Casino may take Albuquerque, but they will never take our Busey!

In a show of goodwill, I'm going to help the citizens of the newly formed Trump Mexico and Casino by drafting their Constitution. Actually, I'm only drafting the Preamble. I have a hunch the citizens of Trump Mexico and Casino aren't big readers.

Preamble to the Constitution of Trump Mexico and Casino

We the people of Trump Mexico and Casino, in order to form a more Trumptastic Union, establish a Justice League, insure domestic stupidity, provide excuses for the common defense mechanisms, promote the general insecurity and secure the blessings of Trump to ourselves and not to the haters and losers, because we do not posses the self awareness to realize that we are haters and losers, and do ordain and establish this Constitution for Trump Mexico and Casino.

Moving to a new country isn't easy, and many soon-to-be citizens of Trump Mexico and Casino have questions. I've taken the liberty of addressing some of your concerns below.

Frequently Asked Questions by Trump Mexicans

Q.

If I find I don't like living in Trump Mexico and Casino, can I return to the U.S?

A.

No.

Q.

What jobs are available in Trump Mexico and Casino?

A.

Someone needs to build that wall.

Q.

What happens to my Social Security if I become a citizen of Trump Mexico and Casino?

A.

The funds will be added to the next Powerball drawing.

Q.

Will Muslims be banned from Trump Mexico and Casino?

A.

Sure, whatever. Your bus is leaving.

Q.

Isn't New Mexico in Mexico?

A.

I don't have the patience to deal with you. Just pack your shit and go.