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Wanted to remember some thoughts from Life With Intention Online last round (February 2016).

Wanted to jot a few thoughts from the 2.10.16 coaching call recording. Left off around 40:00, excited to keep listening because of something I’ll note below.

The cookie flavor analogy really rang true (the person who had . Just the right word to contain all the deeper meanings associated. In my intentions the fresh breeze one is like that – I know just what it means even though all the elements are not articulated in separate words. Also, my “take care of my body like my home” intention feels like this to me.

Not sure why this realization was triggered by this call, but I am having an emerging realization about career intention. I value money, but I feel really shameful and guilty about this (the “do what you love” stuff of my 20s all coming up). Not excess, but security and feeling fairly compensated. I have kind of been using my umbrella intention for my career, but frankly, it’s not enough. I wouldn’t take a job JUST because it would enable me to be a fresh breeze that lifts others up. I also want to make money doing so. But man, I don’t know if I can make an intention saying as much. It just feels so greedy. I wonder if this is part of what is making the SAHM decision so hard as well – won’t be making any money for a time, or not nearly what I would if I were working full-time.

Posted 29 February 2016 – 05:55 PM

The module four podcasts always knock a lot loose for me. Big realizations as I listened to career, possessions and personal habits today and yesterday.

Timeline, timeline, timeline!!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS forget about this when module 3 comes around. This is the third time I’ve taken LWIO, and module 3 always kicks my ass. I have never managed to put together an action plan, because I get so intimidated by the prospect of doing something forrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr. My ego haaaaaaaates that I’ve never done up a plan. It was my main goal for this round of the course, and then I discovered I was pregnant and have had exactly enough bandwidth to keep myself rested (like, going to bed at 7:00 with my toddler), fed, and doing a passable job at work. I always have to remind myself that IT. IS. OK. that I haven’t done an action plan. Jess even says it is ok. She reminds us that we do NOT need to do a module 3 action plan to live our values in the present moment. HOWEVER: I am not doing that, either. So I still want to try a very simple one.

I came into this round ego-hell-bent on setting VBIs for the career area. I am in a trap of thinking that I either need to a) know what I’m doing at any given point in the future or if I don’t, not enjoy what I’m doing now and strive to figure out the future instead. And! Maybe having VBIs would be the magic formula for knowing this!!! But nothing has become clear, and I still don’t have any more VBI for career except maybe the compensation/mutual respect aspects that I wrote about somewhere. Actually, one of the coaching calls helped me realize that really BEING at work while I’m at work would help me feel better about my job. And so I’ve been working on that. I do peek at some personal stuff online, but only during lunch for a minute. And I do feel better. I actually really value separation of work and personal time, and I was letting an illusion that I was doing work at home in the evenings – I am not, but I was telling myself that I was, just because I’m a teacher and teachers work so hard outside of school! (most do, and I have in the past, but given my current circumstances, I’m not right now) – be an excuse for not focusing on work all day during the work day. It feels much better to be home physically and mentally when home, and be at school physically and mentally when at school, and drop all the guilt and the time swaps and mind games that I was playing with myself.

Just being in the present moment, and being gently aware of what might be next, is what I’ve been focusing on. That’s another big learning from this round. I’m a lot more peaceful. I’m not 100% peaceful, but am in a better place. I do not know what will happen when baby #2 arrives. But it’s become increasingly clear over the time we’ve been working on this round that I’d like to stay at my school rather than switch schools, and given that, my options become more limited (actually a good thing – narrows the choices and makes it easier to move ahead).

Ha! So why am I still so worried about creating an action plan? I suppose it’s a shiny penny. I’m going with it, though. I will post this now so I don’t lose it and make another post with the plan.

Posted 29 February 2016 – 06:15 PM

In my efforts to wordsmith, I think I’ve left out the meat of some of the things I most deeply value in my career, which currently looks like me being a teacher. So: mind dump:

Currently, have used my “I am a fresh breeze that lifts you up” umbrella intention to work for my career, and it isn’t completely working.

Some words/thoughts. Not wordsmithed yet!

1) Innovation, can-do attitude, seeking positive and out-of-the-box solutions, leading from where I’m at, ownership of processes and outcomes, contributing where able, collaborating with others for the best results (Most of what the “fresh breeze” means to me)

2) Deep demonstrated respect for ALL people I work with, especially children. Children want to learn, people do the best they can, assume positive intentions (pretty much the rest of the “fresh breeze” meaning)

3) Ongoing learning/improvement of my craft.

4) Separation of life energies (personal and work time/tasks/locations). Consciously limiting the amount of time that is spent on my work, and if I give extra time, give it freely, not out of guilt or games

How can I work to include more of this in my current job, and where I can’t, give myself grace?

AND (leading toward my action plan) – how can I be grateful for the job and life I DO have, and the opportunities to live these values daily?

Posted 29 February 2016 – 06:19 PM

Personal habits:

Gratitude/grateful/thankful

Another point of resistance that I have is that if I am thankful for something or involved in a gratitude practice, that I will do that thing forever. So, I’m not 100% convinced I am passionately in love with my current school/system/colleagues/etc. But if I am actively grateful for where I am, that doesn’t mean I have to stay there forever, and if I AM grateful, then I will be happier for the time I AM there.

Same with my motherhood situation. It’s kicking my ass. I don’t have time for anything beyond the basics, it seems. No crocheting, little reading, few outings with friends. It’s wearing. But there is sooooo much to be grateful for.

For my action plan, I just want to do a few minutes of a gratitude journal every day. It’s something I can do. It will help me feel better about lots of areas. But am I going about it backwards? By starting from the action? Of course I know I am, but my baby and husband are almost home so I had to at least get this much down!!!!!

Geez, you’d think I drank 17 cups of coffee today! But no! Just that something plinked into place on the walk home.

Another thing worth remembering: I have my best LWIO realizations when walking.

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Well, I think my word for 2016 is chosen! I can’t get “permission” out of my head. This is how it happened last year. I had a big ol’ list, and the one that kept cropping up for me was the one I chose. And it was so successful to have a talisman that reminded me of the word, I am going to order one for this year from the same woman, but I think I’ll go with a necklace this time. Or maybe not. 🙂 https://www.etsy.com/shop/lizlamoreux?page=1

Interesting that I had a hard time with what feels like kind of a pedestrian word. I felt I should have been able to distill it into a deep phrase or something, like “you can” or whatevs. But it wasn’t happening. I felt I needed someone ELSE’S permission to use the word permission. But I know what it means. It’s for ME, and it don’t gotta be cute or Pinterest-worthy.

Amazing people here, looking forward to learning more about all of you.

I am struggling with getting into the course, even posting my intro is proving to be a challenge. I have some post-partum depression and anxiety issues that I am just starting to own. Me stating that just put some people off, I’m sure. I am not really digging the announcing of it, either, but I also have start to “speak” it so that I don’t berate myself for what I’m NOT doing. The ego is really at work there.

So in the interest of accomplishing it, the intro will be short. (Hey, I just re-read it, once I got rolling I did ok. )

Basics: 36 y/o, work in education, live in St. Paul, MN with hubs, son (9 m) and pup Gus. I signed up for this course before the PPD started to really get its claws in me and at that time – and still – I am really looking for tools to help me enjoy the present moment more as I have traditionally been an Olympic level futuretripper. I always thought this was a virtue but it’s never made me any happier.

I also want to be more clear on my values so that I can live them wherever I am, particularly in my professional life. For a long time I was pursuing this self-employment goal, but had a realization that this was just the next shiny penny on the list, or what I have long called “shoulds.” I have a well-compensated job, but many days I struggle to see the greater meaning or connection to my values. It’s also a relatively new job, I’ve been there just this school year – so when I’m mired in trying to understand the organizational culture (spoken and unspoken) and hang in there implementing a new and controversial program – well, it’s easy to lose sight of those values.

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Also posted in the Life With Intention Online Course last winter (Feb 2015).

Here goes. Writing this in real time. It might be a bit stream-of-consciousness. I am also struggling with openness here because on a different forum I frequent I was invited to meet a forum friend IRL and we discovered that I work at her children’s school. Then I was feeling a bit of an idiot because I had disclosed things on the forum that I NEEEEEEVER would have confided in a parent at my workplace!!! But it was done and the world is still spinning, and she is still perfectly lovely. So I have to remind myself that I am here to learn and grow and that lightning won’t strike twice, right?

Shiny pennies. I have railed against the “shoulds” of life for a long time. You know, when someone says to the 18 year old woman, “oh, that’s good that you are going to go to college, so you can (insert traditionally women’s work here).” Or to the 22 year old, “yes, it’s a good idea to travel now, before you are married.” I battled these statements! Resisted them! Was going to live my life the way I wanted!! And guess what happened . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well, you’ll read my timeline. My shiny pennies were to do things differently, sometimes just for the sake of it. And in the end it wasn’t very “different” at all.

High school/College: Attend college while in high school. Graduate with no debt. Graduate early. Become fluent in Spanish. (Graduated 4 years after HS with $20K in debt. Not sure what to “do” with a Spanish major so do an education major for good measure – just in case.).

Post college: travel! Live abroad! Be a free soul in the world! (Did this, lived in Mexico for two years, met people from all over the world. I had an unfortunate realization years later about this experience – I hardly remembered anyone of the people I’d met. It was almost more like I was “collecting” people – so I could say I’d met people from #x of countries – rather than really knowing or remembering those individuals. Like meeting a lot of people from all over the world was a shiny penny in and of itself. I sound like a jerk to say that but it was very important of me to realize that so that in the future I could treat people like people and not tally marks on some weird goal I had.)

Post living-abroad:

Do NOT move back to my city of origin.

Do NOT become a teacher.

Become an interpreter. Do certificate, then I’ll be prepared. Do training program, then I’ll be prepared. Never got a job doing this, despite my hard work . . .

Moved back to my parents’ house. Had a full time teaching job less than a year later.

Teaching career. If I was gonna do it, I was gonna do it all the way!

Be on every building committee. Continually refine instructional practices/lessons/ways of interacting with the kids. Start clubs. Speak up about issues I saw. Work hard to rectify them. Burn out after 7 years of this.

Move up the salary schedule (get a Master’s, do lots of grad credits) (did that)

Keep my job safe by adding a license and getting tenure and building seniority (hasn’t mattered)

(four years ago to current) Move into a teacher leadership job, hang onto it. DON’T go back into the classroom because that would be giving up some kind of status. Plus the classroom is the hardest ass place to be!!!!!!!! It’s such hard work – but the most rewarding work . . . and I have been fantasizing about it for the last two years. My current job came out of me applying for a classroom job. I took a step toward going back into the classroom and then was diverted into my current teacher leadership job because of prior experience. It has been less than rewarding, but for many reasons.

About 10 years ago: DON’T date! Done with all that crap!!! (then my husband came along)

Date him, be in love, move in, get engaged, get married (but don’t do it like everyone else – plan a unique and frugal wedding)

8 years ago: Live in a teeny house. We can do it. We’re awesome urban frugalistas. We don’t need more! (did this . . read on . . )

5 years ago: House is feeling tight. What if we maybe want a kid? We’d need a bigger house. The market’s low right now, we’d better act . . . Shiny penny: Find a bigger historic home but only at a kickass price. Done. Renovate it ourselves. Done – well, continuing . . .(Has sucked at least an additional $100K in repairs). Hang onto home at all costs, because we worked so hard to renovate it and we could never afford to buy another in this area now that the market has come back.

Throughout last 10 years: Embody a simple and active persona: Pay off all debt. Live frugally. Don’t watch TV or be suckered into consumeristic pursuits like recreational shopping. Organic/grow own food/make things from scratch/sew stuff/do without/reuse/all that. Travel. Camp. Now that all of this is so overwhelming with the baby, it really makes me question what of it comes from a deeply held value and what was all a facade/mask/character?

(Last 2 years – present): self-employment. Make my own schedule! Work at home in a charming home office! Be able to spend time with my kid! No office BS or bosses to report to! The issue? It’s again focused on what I DON’T want – what I fear – what I’m running from: all the icky parts of working full time outside the home. I haven’t stopped to think of – ahem – the most important thing: what would I even want to do? Well, I do have a million ideas there, have started a few up, abandoned them . . . but none that are currently drawing me. I’m feeling pushed toward this shiny penny, not drawn to it.

Very purposefully do NOT declare an intention to have/not have children. Then I wouldn’t have to figure it out, first of all, and if it did happen, fine, and if it didn’t, well, I never did say I wanted any anyway, did I? I wouldn’t have to be like those ladies who can’t get pregnant and do all the fertility stuff – I’d never have to “fail” at it. (No judgment on anyone’s approach to fertility, BTW – just where my thought process was at for myself). And it did happen. So now it’s not to declare any way of wanting to raise him or be as a mother. So if none of it ever happens, no one can be disappointed.

Right now: declutter. Get rid of all the crap in my house that we don’t use. Maybe then the weight on me, the overwhelm I feel from just sitting on the couch and looking around – will feel like it’s gone. (I suspect it won’t.)

Right now: work part-time. The self-employment voice “justifies” this by saying it can be a day that I use to work on developing my thing! Truly, though? I just need a day I can count on to do all the detritus of life. And if I had an hour or two to read a book, well, that wouldn’t be so bad, either.

I am not sure if I did this right. How can it be that so much of my life has been shaped by fear and by only knowing what I did NOT want to be? Sad.

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I took a course last winter called Life With Intention Online. We explored our personal values and how to apply them to live a fulfilling life right now. That concept has come crashing back to Earth with some of the more recent work I just posted about. Such a journey!

So I realized that while I spent six weeks immersed in developing values-based intentions, I never did write down much of what I did. So I managed to log back in and find my personal values-based intentions from February 2015. It is amazing to see how six months later I continue to wrestle with exactly these intentions, and they all still feel like they fit. And none talk about having a business. 🙂

Warning: post ahead may be nonsensical to you, dear reader (ha, there are all of one of you, maybe two? And you know I appreciate you!) but it’s completely sensical to me! LOL, this blog is turning into a big ol’ Dear Diary session. 🙂

Two main happenings lately in my self-exploration, both as a result (one directly, one indirectly) of the coaching I’ve been doing for three sessions now. I am starting to make more and more connections the deeper into the coaching we get. As I wrote in my last post, we did some exploration around a metaphorical statement of my life’s purpose. After a week and half or so of mulling, revisiting the visualizations we did, and doing a bit of wordsmithing (not too much, but soooo tempting to spin wheels here), I’ve hit on a phrase that I’m not ready to share with the world but is feeling like it is right – for now. (The quote at the top of the post illustrates why it’s ok that the “right now” caveat is there.) I’ve been rolling the statement around in my head and love it. I need to do some hand-writing in my journal about it before I am ready to unveil (might be never!), but wanted to get some things out here first since I typically prefer typing because the thoughts can come out so much faster. That’s the first part.

The second part is that my coach also sent me this article about life purpose, which led me down the rabbit hole to – it turns out – this far more important-for-me-right-now post. (Trigger warning: rape/graphic sexual language.) When I read the second one in particular, it was an aha: the reason I haven’t started up a business is because I don’t really want to. I don’t really want to do all the accounting. I don’t really want to rely on myself for only-just-good-enough (aka shitty) benefits, mainly health insurance. What attracts me to having my own business is the scheduling and creative freedom. So how can I have that in my current life? And with this realization, I think this year of working .5 in my outside employment is a great start. And I’m proud that I’ll be doing that, and scared, but excited.

This aha felt peaceful, felt right. Jess Lively talks about the intuition as a cool well, we can dip into it for refreshing water/wisdom, the information it gives us is not fearful or damaging. That’s how this moment felt. Suddenly I did not feel like a failure for not getting something off the ground. This realization, along with the work on my life purpose statement, has me feeling so much better about life – like I now have “permission” (from myself) to work on the projects that really draw my attention, regardless of the money they might make us – like that it’s ok to continue to want to live frugally because that will give us the financial freedom not to be tied to full-time work that crushes the life purpose sometimes. I find myself looking at other aspects of my life through the lens of the purpose statement: how can I listen better to others? Be more present? Abdicate some of my obsession with technology? Tap the wisdom of others to improve problems that are real here and now? And none of this will necessarily make me any money, but it will all make me happier.

So, some further interesting observations/thoughts. When I started the life coaching, I declared pretty strongly that THE main thing I wanted to get out of the experience was to focus down onto ONE business idea. Now that does not feel true! Not at all! And part of me is like, shit, I am paying a LOT of money for this coaching and I’m not gonna have something to “show” for it at the end? Not going to have the start of a business? Because, like, my inner peace, confidence, and happiness is worth nothing? Huh.

It’s been over a year since my last post here. I’m resurrecting this blog because I want to get more in touch with action again. I had some good posts up on a former blog of mine but it got too spam-laden, so I took it down. I keep up pretty consistently now with my blog thread on the MMM forums, but they are frequently down, so I want to make sure to have a spot where I can be a little more daily about my posting and also more creative. The wonderful community there will help me keep going back, but I feel a pull to be writing on a daily basis on several topics: a professional topic that is still taking shape, Twin Cities Gluten Free (might start Instagramming for that one) and personal exploration.

In the 15 months since my last post, so much has happened. Biggest of all, we had a baby! And I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and also battled quite a bit of anxiety. Zoloft and sunshine/longer days seem to be helping a lot, as does baby’s increased independence and abilities. He’s now over a year old, walking, eating solids, able to go to bed without me (with daddy – not on his own yet – ugh – that’s another post). I have let Team Yarn go for now, sadly, but it wasn’t happening and was making me feel guilty. I go back and read my letter to myself from 2014 and almost laugh! Soooo far from reality. I just did not know how all consuming this little guy would be. But now I do. 🙂

I switched jobs to our local school district after all! I was full time in two buildings this last year, but will be half time in one building next year. I am so looking forward to this. It’s one of the things I hope to explore here – how to navigate that situation in a way that helps 1) reduce stress at home (keeping things cleaner, more food on hand/prepared inexpensively) and 2) starting to build some of my outside ideas. I must be careful not to call them businesses. As they stand, they are not business ideas, though they could become that. For now, I need to focus on projects that have my interest just because. I learned about myself over the last few years that thinking I will make money at a given idea is the quickest way to kill it for myself, because very early on the return on time invested is minuscule and I want to throw in the towel, especially when I compare any earnings with what I make at my day job.

I was binge-listening The Lively Show and never miss an episode of The Girl Next Door Podcast. Hopefully here I can take time to put my thoughts on some episodes of either one because when I just consume, I don’t get as much out of them.

Ahhh. Feels good to write. At some point I’ll get to where I have pictures! For pinning! Etcetera! But for now, must control myself and realize that if there’s nothing to link to, a pin is worthless. Must. continue. to. write.

I’ll put it out here – for my new professional blog idea, I want to have five posts drafted in Google Docs before putting together the site itself. I’m still ruminating on a name, so hopefully having draft posts will help that become more clear. Also, it will inspire confidence in my abilities to follow through. I’ve been self-flagellating on the “you always start stuff but don’t finish it” shtick. First, who cares? But secondly, I CAN follow through and have some new plans for this blog to make it different than past ones to help build in supports to make success more likely.