Best Retirement Gifts Ever

When I finally retire one day far, far in the future, I hope to treat myself to a nice dinner and maybe, if I'm lucky, get a few thoughtful cards from friends and family.

Since his announcement that the 2014 MLB season would be his last, legendary Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has gotten so, so much more than that.

On this year-long farewell tour, Jeter gets a standing ovation every single time he steps up to the plate and is given a customized—and often useless—gift from each team after playing in opposing stadiums for the final time.

Special Jeter gigantic surfboard! Special Jeter cowboy boots! Special Jeter bench made of baseball bats!

Yes, these gifts certainly top the thoughtful cards that I hope to one day receive—but are they better than the retirement gifts that players have gotten in the past?

Does Jeter's loot even make the list of the greatest athlete retirement gifts of all time?

Let's find out.

Disclaimer: I decided to set a limit of one gift per player for this list. For players who received many gifts, I featured the one I liked best and mentioned the other notables.

Todd Helton: Horse

Todd Helton's legs may have started to slow toward the end of his illustrious career with the Colorado Rockies. Fortunately, the team gave him a brand new way to race from home to first.

In a special ceremony on the field, Helton was presented with a horse named "A Tru Bustamove" as a retirement gift from his own team.

Retirement gifts for athletes are usually just tacky pieces of memorabilia that can be stored away and forgotten about, so giving someone a living breathing animal that requires love, care and a lot of space to run is a bit odd.

If nothing else, Mr. Bustamove provides Helton with an opportunity to ride off into the sunset in a more literal way than he probably ever imagined.

Allen Iverson: Bass Fishing Boat

A bronze baseball bat is nice but serves no purpose. The Chair of Broken dreams is clever but probably uncomfortable. A giant subway tile and surf board are nice gestures but a little tacky for home decorating.

Allen Iverson's gift was none of these. Iverson's gift was practicality at its finest:

Paul Konerko: Wrigley Field Scoreboard Tile

Charles Rex Arbogast/Associated Press

Well, suffice to say that Paul Konerko isn't quite getting the same farewell treatment as Derek Jeter is out in New York.

Most teams have failed to recognize him at all, but he did get a nice gesture from cross-town rival Cubs, who presented him with a No. 14 tile from the Wrigley Field Scoreboard to thank him for his contributions to the game.

I suppose if the team that hates you most is the very first to say "thanks," then there's not much more you need.

Both players signed $0 contracts with the Astros to rejoin their former team and retire with the ball club that made them legends.

They threw out the ceremonial first pitch and were then presented with framed Texas flags that had flown over the state capitol the day before. In addition, they were given personalized rocking chairs to help them relax during retirement.

Just how important were these guys to the Astros franchise?

Roy Oswalt has 163 career wins—more than the Astros have recorded in the past three seasons combined.

Cal Ripken, Jr.: Florida Stone Crabs

Say what you want about polarizing basketball announcer Dick Vitale, the man is a prophet.

Cal Ripken, Jr. was one of the earlier players to go on an obnoxiously drawn out and dramatic farewell tour that featured unnecessary gifts from every single opposing team.

While Ripken's Orioles were in Tampa Bay, Dick Vitale, season ticket holder for the team then referred to as the Devil Rays, presented the future Hall of Famer with a lifetime supply of Florida Stone Crabs.

It's easy to argue that Derek Jeter's farewell tour has been blown way out of proportion.

It'd be much harder to argue that he doesn't deserve it.

Coming at the twilight of a career marked by otherworldly talent, impeccable leadership and an infectious personality, Jeter's farewell gifts have included thoughtful gestures, tacky memorabilia and everything in between.

The Mets' Subway Series-themed collection of gifts, however, may top them all.