“I love you, but I’m not in love with you…..” ….and so the dance of intimate relationship stops and someone walks off the floor. The relationship is over. What now? The ending of a serious relationship often brings with it intense feelings of pain, anguish and fear. Rarely is the ending done by mutual agreement although both parties often know that the relationship has struggled for some time. How do you leave someone who doesn’t want you to go? What do you say? Frequently, the partner will demand to know ‘why?” For a start, you need to be honest not humiliating; firm not faltering; clear not confusing. In many cases, when presented with the reasons “..why..?” the mate will want to engage in a re-negotiation of the relationship dynamics….. “I will stop drinking”, “I can change how I talk to you”, “I will do whatever it takes”. What it takes is courage to respond to these entreaties with a clear “No, I’m done”. It is unrealistic to want your partner to just accept your decision effortlessly and go along with a quick dismantling of the relationship - emotionally, financially, physically and socially. The situation is even more complicated when there are children to consider. There will be pain. Often, for both of you. Generally, the exiting partner has little desire to cause or create more pain in the leaving process. This can lead them to waver in the clarity of their resolve to leave. Remember - firm not faltering; clear not confusing. One of the common entreaties or offerings is that “we can still be friends”. Rarely is this a viable or healthy proposition. It usually delays - if not derails – the healing process because it fans the flames of hope “….if he/she sees me often enough, they might fall back in love with me” or “…if I stick around enough, they’ll realise what they’re missing…. “ . Very unlikely! Nor can the departing partner be the “go to” person if there is an issue like a burst pipe or urgent online bill to be paid. This just delays the necessary movement to singlehood resourcefulness. Research suggests that it often takes approximately two years for individuals to recover from the ending of a significant relationship. To push for ‘friendship’ too soon simply sets up unhealthy patterns that can ultimately undermine both people. Maintaining healthy boundaries is a must for a viable future relationship. For many, there is no acceptable answer to the question “why”. The reality is that it takes two to make a relationship but only one to end it. A person has the right to leave a relationship that no longer supports them – as harsh as this may well seem. The bigger question is this: “Does one person (Bruce) have the right to expect their partner (Betty) to sacrifice her life on the alter of his happiness?” The healthy answer is “no”. Remember, be honest not humiliating, firm not faltering, clear not confusing. Be true to yourself.

So the affair has been revealed. Commonly, there is an overwhelming sense of shock and betrayal felt by the unwitting partner. Some people state that they had a “sense” that their partner was seeing someone else, but were met with blanket denials or even anger at this suggestion. Others state that they had absolutely no idea and express devastation at the shattering of their reality.

Peoples’ reactions in the aftermath of the revelation vary depending on a host of factors including personal histories, the degree of deception involved, the degree of dependency experienced (financial, social, emotional, familial), the degree dysfunction existing prior to beginning of the affair and many more aspects.

Whilst an affair does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, staying together does not always mean moving forward healthily either. Research suggests that 33% of relationships end, 44% continue in the old pattern of dysfunction, 6% actually become worse and only 9% grow from the trauma and become richer and deeper.

Whichever way you look at it, affairs destabilise relationships. They generate intense emotional reactions ranging from grief, jealousy and rage to depression, anxiety and psychosomatic illness.

For those couples who choose to walk the challenging path to rebuilding their relationship, there is much work to do! Creating an atmosphere of safety is essential to this process.

The post-affair relationship is in many ways like building a new house, but on somewhat shaky ground! Here are some guidelines for proceeding:

That genuine remorse is expressed. No excuses, no qualifiers, no blaming.

Taking responsibility for the choice to engage in the affair is essential!

Having a forthright discussion about what needs to occur now in order for the mate to feel safe, for example, ceasing certain non-partner involved activities.

This is essentially a negotiation process and anything agreed to must be viable.

Ceasing all secret contact with the affairee. Clearly, ongoing contact does nothing towards engendering a sense of safety for the partner.

Not getting into the intimate details of the affair. Few people can handle the pictures painted by graphic detail.

The commitment made to be more honest about feelings and needs.

Clearly, these guidelines are just the beginning of a process that will have its ups and downs over time. Having a safe place to discuss sensitive issues is often challenging for couples. Counselling can be of enormous help in creating that space and working towards build a viable future.

In the delicate dance of relationship, conflict is inevitable. Unfortunately, most people think that conflict is “bad” and experience varying degrees of discomfort when things start to escalate. Many clients have stated that they are ill-prepared for conflict and prefer to avoid it, thereby creating an increasingly larger fuel load for the next outburst. Learning to manage conflict – respectfully and effectively – has a skills development basis. We are not generally born with the behaviours required to manage conflict with others. We have to learn them. So what are these skills, you ask? Firstly, it is critical to approach relationship with the understanding that each person has their own “reality” or “perception” of the issue. Step aside from the notion of “right/wrong”, “good/bad”. Secondly, acknowledge that each person has a role or responsibility in creating or sustaining the conflict. Blaming, fault finding and “tit-for-tat” responses simply lead to escalating conflict, tension and angst and therefore have no part in resolving conflict. Thirdly, it is not as important to initially understand your partner’s view as it is to simply accept their view as their reality and work forward from that place. It might not be as important to fully understand “why” your mate feels so insecure or untrusting initially, as it is to accept that that is how they feel. With acceptance and validation of their feelings, it then becomes possible to explore the deeper issues and develop strategies to manage the triggers or responses to that insecurity. This moves both parties towards resolution of the tension. For example, rather than saying “…..you’re crazy to think that!!!”, perhaps a quietly stated, “……I’m sorry that you feel that way. It must be really hard”. This response would potentially allow a mate to soften and de-escalate. How this is said is more significant than what is said, keeping in mind that a huge 93% of communication is based on body language, verbal tone, volume, inflection and rhythm. Simply being heard by your partner is a powerful experience in relationship, with the act of truly listening perhaps being the most respectful behaviour one person can offer another. Defensiveness can soften when a mate acknowledges the other’s feelings or point of view about an issue. A simply stated “……you look really angry/sad/upset about that” has more potential to de-escalate conflict than “….it’s not my fault” or “……you think you’re the only one who’s angry/upset/hurt/ …!!” As with any new skill, practice makes perfect. Most of us have experienced activities that look simple, until we do them as a novice – like hammering a nail in or driving a car. It takes repetition after repetition to develop competence and confidence in using these skills when it matters, but now is an excellent time to commit to enhancing your bond by practicing new steps in the dance of relationship.

Intimate relationship is somewhat like an intricate, complex dance, with many couples experiencing the pain of crushed toes, poor co-ordination, bruised egos and abrupt departures from the dance floor. Each new relationship brings with it a new piece of music, a new set of dance steps and a new level of complexity, yet we persist.How useful would it be to have a clear set of guidelines and step by step coaching in applying these guidelines to your particular dance? To be assured that these guidelines are quite simple and straight forward? Absolutely, you say!

How prepared would you be to put in the effort, time and commitment it takes to build (or re-build) a vibrant, healthy, rewarding relationship….oh….that sounds like work….!! Well, healthy relationship does take work, but what if the work begins to feel like playing, having fun, connecting deeply with your mate? Knowing that every day when you go out into the world, someone has your back? Imagine receiving a text that says how much you are loved, regarded and valued. Imagine having a best friend in whom you can trust; who knows you deeply for all your vulnerabilities, fears, hopes, dreams and strengths. Who validates you. “So where can I get one of those?” you say. Well start with the one you have and practice these new dance steps:

Next time you are unhappy with your mate, raise your complaint or concern with them in a softer, more gentle manner. Research now clearly shows that going in hard and harsh just leads to a quick escalation of tension, not fruitful resolution. Essentially, how you start is highly indicative of how it will end.

Communicate acceptance of your mate, even when raising a complaint, for example, rather than “….you lazy slob, I’m sick of picking your dirty washing up off the floor when the laundry basket is right there!! Are you blind or just stupid!!” perhaps said softly and gently,” Honey, I don’t really understand why you don’t use the laundry hamper, but I find it really frustrating that you leave your stuff on the floor….”said gently, could potentially lead to a much more productive outcome.

Avoid name calling and insults. Such disrespect and contempt for your mate and they to you is one of the most clear indicators of a relationship headed for failure.

Deal with only one issue or complaint at a time or you run the risk of shutting down your mate. When shut down or flooding occurs, your mate can no longer hear you and simply wants to get away from you.

Make time at the end of each day to touch base and debrief about what’s happened. This creates a sense of interest and intimacy between you that deepens your bond.

When your mate makes an attempt to repair your connection following discord, receive it gracefully. The research shows clearly that rejected repair attempts are one sign of a failing relationship.

Every relationship has its own unique dynamics and potential. Why not accept the challenge to make yours the best it can be and dance with the stars.