Myth #8 – I’ll be a failure if I get a divorce. My spouse will eventually “get it” and stop acting out if I stay no matter what happens.

Making a commitment to marriage is not equivalent to making a commitment to tolerate abusive behavior or sexual acting out. Staying does not guarantee that the addict will work on changing his or her behavior. Your spouse’s abandonment fears preceded your relationship. Your lack of boundaries won’t cure his or her fears.

You are not a failure if your marriage doesn’t last. Telling a partner this places undue pressure and unrealistic expectations on them. Partners have experienced rejection from friends and their faith community for choosing to end a marriage. During difficult decisions, partners need support, not ultimatums and rejection.

Reconciliation is a two way street. Divorce doesn’t mean you have failed. Tough it out doesn’t make you more spiritual. Reconciliation will depend on both your healing and the addict doing his/her work. The choices of others don’t make you a failure. The reality is that some addicts choose their addiction over their marriage. Your identity isn’t dependent on the choices of the addict.

For those who are living with or have lived with someone who is addicted to pornography or other forms of sexual acting out behaviors, the healing process can be long, lonely, and filled with self-doubt. One of the tendencies that can be the most counter-productive to healing is the tendency to isolate oneself from others.

As I have worked with dozens of partners of sex addicts, I find that there is often a component of religion that may have had a negative influence on women feeling safe enough to reach out for help. In many cases, if a woman reaches out to a pastor or other leader in her church, she may have been told to re-examine her role in the marriage: is she sufficiently submissive to her husband; is she adequately honoring her husband as the head of their household; is she doing all that is possible to make sure her husband is being sexually satisfied at home? When a woman is faced with this kind of implied or open criticism and finger-pointing, it’s easy to understand her reluctance to further reach out for help.

When the spouse of a sex addict is actually married to the pastor or other church leader, there can be the double jeopardy of reaching out for help. Not only is there the concern on her part that she may be labeled as the guilty party; there is also the concern that if her husband’s behaviors become known to his supervisors within their church, it could jeopardize his job and therefore the family’s income and well-being.

As a partner of a sex addict reminded me in a group session recently, “Healing begins the moment you feel heard.” Another statement that I often quote is, “Healing takes place in community” (Blankenship, 2010). It is absolutely vital that a person be able to break the chains of isolation in order to begin the journey of healing and recovery from the betrayal that one has endured in the marriage.

So, what can be done to provide support and help for both the sex addict and the spouse within our churches today? Clearly, there must be an effort to educate those in church leadership roles on the subject of sex addiction. Rather than giving swift platitudes to either the addict or the spouse, imagine how much better our church members would be if they could be pointed in the right direction to receive understanding and help by professionals who are trained to counsel sex addicts and their spouses. It is important for all to know that help is truly available; and in the current age of technology, both addicts and their spouses can obtain this specialized help from trained therapists via Skype and other secure online methods, if this is necessary due to geographical locations.

As a therapist who is certified in assisting partners of sex addicts, I encourage these partners to lean on their faith as one of the many healthy practices in their journey of healing. I know personally and from many others’ accounts just how meaningful it can be to use spiritual practices (i.e., prayer, reading scripture, corporate worship, personal devotionals, etc.) to aid in one’s own healing. Therefore, let’s all work together to encourage support from the faith community that will embody the compassion and understanding that we see from Jesus’ own example in the New Testament.

Capstone Center for Counseling, DBT and Relational Trauma

Call Today for a free 10 minute phone consultation with a licensed professional counselor – 770-744-5055

Capstone Center for Counseling, DBT, & Relational Trauma provides clinical services. We are staffed by licensed professional counselors, social workers,marriage & family therapists, pastoral counselors, and life/recovery coaches. Capstone provides counseling services for many clinical and relational issues. Our affiliates provide specialty services for sexual addiction, spouses/partners of addicts, stepfamilies, and a variety of intensive workshops. Also we specialize in therapy for children and their families. The mission of Capstone Professional Counseling Center is to provide compassionate and professional counseling, coaching, therapy, group support, and training to clients with mental health and sexual addiction issues.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is an evidenced based therapy that is very effective in treating people who have great difficulty regulating their emotions and behaviors. DBT includes an assessment, orientation, individual therapy, DBT Skills group and phone skills coaching. Not every counselor who teaches DBT Skills does DBT. Capstone therapists and counselors are intensively trained in DBT and have the expertise to be effective.