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Topic: "Never Speak His Name Around Me!" (Read 13359 times)

I suppose the short version of this would be asking, when someone gives someone else the 'cut direct' or similar, how should the people around the 'cutter' handle mentions of the 'cuttee' that come up in casual conversation?

This involves an all-male dating love triangle but the sexuality isn't relevant here--this drama could happen regardless of the genders of the people involved. My good friend Kyle used to date Warren (more a friend of my boyfriend's, but we are friendly). They split up about two years ago, and it was a long, drawn out, painful breakup for both. No cheating or abuse involved but it was one of those situations where they kept getting back together, then breaking up. Very push-pull. About a year ago, Kyle started dating Adam. Adam and Warren were acquaintances, but not really friendly.

So, now, Adam and Kyle are together, and Warren really, really loathes Adam. He was still friendly with his ex Kyle, but put all the blame on Adam for essentially, having no chance to get back with Kyle. He always sort of expected that the two of them would 'end up' together, and didn't take it well when it turned out not to be the case. Once Adam and Kyle made it official, Kyle drifted away from Warren, not wanting a big confrontation but also not wanting to stay friends with his ex who hates his new partner. Warren is pretty convinced that Adam 'made' Kyle stop being friends with him.

So, my current issue--I see Kyle and Adam a lot, they are a pretty big part of my life and participate in an event I help run. I also see Warren semi frequently. Warren does *not* react well when either of the two names are mentioned, even in passing. I try really really hard to not mention them at all around Warren to avoid that, but sometimes Warren will ask questions where I have to essentially lie to not do so. For instance, Warren will ask me about Event (he knows Kyle and Adam go) and it feels like I'm walking one eggshells not to mention the two of them at all. There are also situations when another person, who doesn't know the background of the three, will mention Kyle or (especially bad) Adam in Warren's presence. Should I give a 'warning' not to do that? That seems really childish. Or try to redirect the conversation subtly? Or just take a conveniently timed bathroom break when this happens to avoid the awkward?

I know that it is the height of rudeness to try to get people to mend fences, and would never even think of doing that, nor of trying to get them in a room together. But for those of you who've given the cut direct, do you think those who know about it should avoid mentioning the person at all?

Sorry if the post seems confusing, I cut out some details to not make it 4 pages, but if anyone has more questions I can answer them.

But for those of you who've given the cut direct, do you think those who know about it should avoid mentioning the person at all?

While I think it is kind to act as you are, doing your best to avoid overtly discussing the cut-directees, I think it would be really weird for the cut-director to continue to have a fit about the fact that these people exist to others. For me, I would not want to be friends with someone who cannot handle the realities of life. If Warren cannot accept that some of his friends remain friends with his now ex and new partner, I think Warren needs to grow up.

If it were me, I would do as you are doing, but not try to hide that these people exist, if that makes sense. I think if you are telling a story that involves Kyle or Adam you could refer to them as "a friend of mine" or "this guy I know" instead of by name.

I think warren needs to grow up. You are kind to minimize your mentions of Kyle and Adam but you should not be attacked (verbally or emotionally) if their names come up. Warren is acting like a big petulant baby and I'd probably tell him off after one of two times of him loosing his temper over the mention of Kyle or Adam, especially if its in answer to a question he asked, or if the person who mentioned them had no idea about the history.

I think warren needs to grow up. You are kind to minimize your mentions of Kyle and Adam but you should not be attacked (verbally or emotionally) if their names come up. Warren is acting like a big petulant baby and I'd probably tell him off after one of two times of him loosing his temper over the mention of Kyle or Adam, especially if its in answer to a question he asked, or if the person who mentioned them had no idea about the history.

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I have mutual friends that used to date and where engaged at the time they had the same type of break up as Warren and Kyle. While Amy was able to attend social gatherings while just ignoring Dave, Dave still to this day will bail on anything he is invited to that Amy is even though it's over 4 years later, and they are both in new relationships, and as far as I know he has desire to get back with Amy. All their mutual friends stayed out of it, but it did cost him some friendships, as people refused to choose, and he cut those people off that refused to stop inviting Amy out.

It's nice of you to want to make Warren feel comfortable. However, it seems to me that by asking you about Event in such a way that you would have to lie to avoid mentioning Kyle and/or Adam, Warren is essentially asking you about them.

I feel a little bad for Warren, but if hearing about his ex is that traumatic, he either needs to take charge of the conversation or excuse himself temporarily.

If Warren can't handle the answer, he shouldn't ask the question. Yes, you can dance around the fact that Kyle/Adam were at an event, but you shouldn't have to do that. I'd just use their names. Blaming a new BF for ending a FWB/rocky relationship will never bode well for Warren's love life. It seems Warren wants info on Kyle without directly asking after him. Not cool.

First of all, I think Warren needs to grow up. When you're dealing with a group of shared rel@tionships, other people's names will come up. It may be painful and it may make you angry, but it cannot be stopped. Deal with it, avoid it, or find a different circle of friends.

I think it's fine to avoid any discussion on the "offensive parties" and any topics that may bring them up. I do it all the time in my family and all the people that are not on speaking terms...BUT...at no point should you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and completely avoid any topics that might bring up an individual's name.

In the example you presented, if Warren has that much issue with Kyle and Adam, he himself should avoid such topics and not ask you about it or put you in a place where you're the one dancing around the forbidden names. This one is him.

You can do your best to avoid certain topics that might set off Warren. I think that's the nice thing to do, but don't feel bad if their names pop up over common friends, interests, and activities, and especially don't worry about it if people who don't know the history bring up the forbidden names. This is not your problem. This is all Warren.

I'm divorced. I would like nothing more to never have to deal with that man ever again, but because we happen to have children together, I'm pretty much stuck with him. I really do not wish to hear about him or all sorts of details, but it's impossible to never hear his name or never hear about what's going on in his life. Warren needs to accept this reality.

I do my fair share of dancing around "the enemy" in my personal family rel@tionships. If the topic comes up, I discuss "the enemy" as if they were some stranger, or I might revert to generic terms like "we", "they", or "someone," instead of mentioning "the enemy" by name, and I might steer the discussion in a direction that avoids "the enemy," but as a whole, I really don't think you are under any obligation to pamper Warren's unreasonable issues.

I concur with others that Warren is being immature. I've cut people out of my life but I know that when I get together with family I'm going to hear their names mentioned from time to time. I admit, I don't like hearing it but when it comes up I mentally grit my teeth and just make non-committal noises.

Once when getting together with my cousins, my mother was brought up and talked about like the person thought she was the most wonderful person they ever knew. I don't think this person was aware that I was the daughter of the woman she was speaking about or that we're estranged. My cousin's wife knows and she smiled. I just took a sip of my drink, gave a non commital "Mmm" and then commented on how nice it was my uncle was able to take a vacation.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata