A Jumble of Thoughts

The woman opened her eyes and peered around the dark room. The curtains were open and through the window she could make out the glow of the moon, shining brightly amongst an array of golden pinpricks.

Slowly pulling away the cotton sheets, she lifted her feet from the bed and sat up. She breathed in deeply and wriggled her toes around in the thick carpet. She felt empty inside, and… lost.

She always felt a sense of loss after one of her dreams and they always made her restless. She padded across the room and looked through the frosted glass, into the dark abyss outside. It was very late, or very early depending on how you wanted to look at it.

Opening the window, she took in a deep breath of the icy air and shivered slightly as it penetrated her body.

Sighing, she turned and walked out of the room, careful to make as little sound as possible in the small apartment.

It was ten minutes later that the woman found herself holding a mug of hot chocolate in her hand. She sat before a roaring fire, curled up in a comfy chair and pondered the dreams she had been having of late. They all were jumbled in her mind. She couldn’t make sense of them.

“Adela?” a voice sounded softly in the room, and with a sudden jerk she was pulled from her thoughts to look at her roommate.

“Hey, John,” her voice was soft and hazy, but she turned her body slightly to face him.

“Another dream?” She nodded slightly at his words. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I don’t know, there was that guy-”

“The red haired one?”

She nodded.

“In a room. He was talking to me, but I- ” she paused, taking a small sip of her drink. “I couldn’t hear him, I asked him for help, but-” her lip quivered “-I’m so confused, John!”

He moved forward and wrapped her in a warm embrace.

She slowly edged him away, and stood up to peer in the mirror over the fireplace.

She had never known what to think of her looks. She fingered her wild bushy brown curls and pale complexion. She was startled to see her chocolate coloured eyes look large and hollow and it scared her slightly.

She turned away from the mirror.

“Why can’t I remember?”

She was thoroughly frustrated and slammed her fist onto the mantelpiece in anger completely disregarding the salty tears that were falling softly from her eyes.

She closed her eyes tightly and tried desperately to remember.

She moaned softly as the images penetrated her mind.

She opened her eyes and gasped slightly as a wave of pain travelled through her body. It was dark, and she lay on the ground, her body curled into a tight ball to try and overcome the pain.

Her head was throbbing, and as she lifted a hand to her forehead, she shrieked softly as she acknowledged the red sticky blood that covered it.

Recoiling slightly, she crawled to a wall and pulled herself to her feet. Her breath was raspy and she was suddenly aware of the noise.

Noises from nearby cars and the bustling of people.

She slowly shook her head in confusion and tried to take in her surroundings.

The alley was dark, and smelling terribly. Overhead she could see nothing, not even the moon.

She realised with a jolt that it must be quite late and a chilling breeze swept through her, causing her to start shivering involuntarily. She looked down at her clothes and leant against the wall to stop her from keeling over at the sudden wave of dizziness that overcame her.

She was aware that her garments were slightly out of the ordinary, some sort of long black cloak, but it was torn and jagged in places. She gulped and tried to suck in a breath but a searing pain shot through her throat. Moaning slightly, she tried to edge forward, using the wall to steady her.

Slowly, inch-by-inch, she moved her body forwards, towards the muffled noise of the vehicles.

Apart from the pain, she felt extremely frightened.

Who was she? It felt so clichéd, to suddenly wake up, battered and with no recollection of whom you were, but she felt no one could understand the pure terror of losing your identity.

Hell, she couldn’t remember what she looked like, let alone what her name was.

She felt the tear fall and drip along the curved exposure of her cheek, but she left it there.

It hurt to move too much and she couldn’t bring her hand up to wipe it away.

She cowered as she reached the road opening, and suddenly her senses moved into overdrive.

She swayed dangerously as she heard the loud zipping of the cars speeding by like bullets. She clamped her eyes closed at the light from the cars. A queasy feeling erupted in her stomach and she felt her knees buckle as she lost all strength in her body.

She was on the floor.

“Help,” she whispered in a short gasp, her voice was foreign to even her ears and she felt sick at the thought.

Suddenly, she saw a pair of large scuffed trainers appear next to her and she whimpered.

The man bent over to look at her.

“Are you Ok?”

He seemed thoroughly flustered and panicky. She felt him lean beside her and check her pulse.

She wanted to mumble a “thank you” but the man was already standing and talking into a mobile phone, having dialled 999.

She just closed her eyes, and waited.

It wasn’t long before a curtain of darkness blew over her thoughts and brought blissful unawareness to her pain and confusion.

Adela let out a groan of frustration. As much as she tried the memories came and went and she could not force them.

Nothing very clear had come to her before she had woken up alone, only snippets of information in the forms of pictures or phrases.

She rested her head on her arms.

“Adela?”

She whimpered slightly.

“It’s not my name though, is it?”

He didn’t answer.

He simply stood awkwardly by her shoulder, waiting for her to continue.

She lifted her head, and looked into his eyes.

“I feel incomplete, like there is something absolutely huge that I’m missing.”

She brought a hand up through her hair and tried desperately to find the words that would do justice to the whirlwind of emotions within her.

“These dreams are so unnerving, kind of like my subconscious self is trying to tell me something, trying to make me remember. I feel sure of it.”

He could only look at her with a mixture of pain and grief mingled in his features.

“I feel like I’ve lost part of my being, something or someone as part of my heart.”

She felt ready to scream in her frustration.

“You mean the mysterious red haired man?”

John spoke quietly and in a defeated tone that clearly told her that he was disappointed.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was quiet and for a second she dismissed her problems to look into the eyes of her friend.

“I just feel connected to him somehow-”

“-I understand, and I have news for you.” She looked at him sharply. “I’m not sure you’ll like it but, I think it may help.” He looked at her quietly and hesitated before he continued.

“Ok, well I think it’s a good idea that you should see a specialist who would help you with-”

“A shrink.” Her voice was tinged with scepticism and her arms were crossed at her chest.

“Look,” John’s face beheld a look that was weary and he turned her to face him, obviously not willing to argue, “maybe he can help you to unlock your past. I don’t know but try it will you?”

She sighed dejectedly and nodded slowly.

***

It was later in the day that Adela was able to really ponder her thoughts.

She put on a coat and left the apartment. She didn’t think, just walked straight to the park, pulling her coat around her tighter as she gazed indifferently at the soft blue sky and the golden leaves on the trees.

She had been doing a lot of that lately. Just getting out to walk. As she reached the park, she paused at its rusty gates and sighed.

She looked around her, the trees were full of gold and red leaves, and children were playing in the park. She chuckled slightly as a football raced towards her.

She bent down slowly and picked it up. A little boy, perhaps about eight or nine years old reached her, his face and hands grubby from the play.

She handed it to him, and smiled slightly as she watched him run back to his friends and resume the game.

She looked up at the sky, her gaze penetrating to endless horizon, frustrated. Nothing seemed familiar.

It was every now and then that she would come across something that would jar a memory or a flashback and she thrived on those times.

It was funny that certain things would bring across memories of the most unusual kind -- and sometimes she feared greatly that they were not memories at all, but perhaps her mind playing tricks on her -- simply because she had never heard of such things happening anywhere.

Her thoughts flickered to the last memory that her mind had grasped. It was within a dream, and she remembered waking up and feeling thoroughly refreshed.

She relished now on the feeling of total happiness that had followed. It had been a strange dream. She had been submerged underwater, she could hear nothing but a strange eerie tune, the words were unclear to her and sometimes she pondered what they were, but it never came to her.

She could not see the ripples of the water or the depth but she had been deep down in its depths, she just seemed to know.

She had felt nicely warm in spite of the fact that the whirls of liquid whisking around her had been strangely cool, it had tickled her skin but despite it all she had felt completely safe.

John had been terribly shocked when he had first heard of the dream. He had thought that the idea of being surrounded by water would have been truly terrifying.

She had also felt the cynicism in his tone and body movements that doubted that she had ever felt the water on her skin.

He suggested she was perhaps in a boat and below deck, or scuba diving. She had agreed -- to keep him quiet -- but her mind knew otherwise and the thought did scare her a little, and only confused her further.

She took in a deep breath of the crisp autumn wind and sat herself down on an old wooden bench. Adela, she thought to herself.

She tried it out loud, sounding each syllable. It certainly wasn’t her name, and it didn’t seem to click.

In her first week with John she had researched many names, but either she hadn’t come across her own, or it hadn’t jolted a memory.

A sudden gust of wind sent shivers down her spine and caused her to look up. Within the flurry of leaves whistling through the air, her eyes locked onto a single leaf that was floating, falling gently to the ground. Her body jolted and she closed her eyes, as a picture flashed into her mind.

The leaf twisted and turned into a single white feather, but instead of continuing to the ground it floated upwards into the sky.

“Swish and flick,” a little voice that was soft and high pitched echoed in her head and she faintly recognised it as her own. Without reason or contemplation she had the sudden mad desire to laugh.

Why? she thought frantically. But her mind did not let her reach further into its depths and this memory was just as confusing as the last.

A/N So do you like? Please click that little review button and tell me!

Even quicker update if anyone can tell me where her flashbacks are from! J