With the first leg finishing 1-1 at the Bernabeu a fortnight ago, the second is truly poised uponst the edge of something fantastically sharp – say…a knife or something like that, United with the away goal and all.

Of course there are many intriguing subplots to tantalise and tease (Sir Alex vs Mourinho for one) but the headlines are Cristiano Ronaldo’s to make on his return to his former stomping ground, with all and sundry pontificating on just how United are going to stop him from running wild on their asses.

With “Operation: Phil Jones Gurn Blitz” off the cards due to injury, Ferguson himself has suggested that he’s planning to nix his former protege with either A: a machete, or B: a machine gun, which probably tells you all you need to know about just how worried about Ronaldo’s “maximum attack” mode coming back to haunt him – and that’s on top of Madrid’s already strong suit.

Ronaldo will undoubtedly be singled out and man-marked to the hilt, but it’s still hard to see him not scoring, no? At the other end, United have a fairly formidable attacking stable of their own, so a clean slate is probably not a-transpirin’ here.

As with the first leg, we see Madrid dominating with United soaking up pressure and possession for long spells after coming out of the blocks flying – perhaps nabbing an early goal.

Anyway, that’s enough spiel. Let’s get down to the mucky business of predictions.

You can’t have predictions that are “I think this will happen, or if not, then that will happen, or else …”
I don’t think that’s quite how the ancient wizards and prognosticators went about their work. You didn’t get place bets when you were sorting out the chicken entrails – you had to stake it all on one result. “Romans to win” kind of thing. None of this “unless the Carthaginians get an early breakthrough in which case the flanks could be weak and we’ll get plundered.”
So, with that classical motif ringing in everyone’s ears, I’ll go for Real getting a dodgy penalty (to Sir AF’s immense and complexion-bursting fury) early on. CR will score it. United will fight like veritable Trojans, Gauls, Huns, Visigoths etc throughout the rest of the match and get an equaliser v. late on (say, 85th minute. Giggs? No, that’s too much of a fairy-tale.). And then, late in Fergy-time, Real will sink a confused scramble of a goal in to De Gea’s onion bag.
Result: Utd 1 – 2 Real

And Utd go out with Sir AF extolling their fighting spirit, how proud he is at their attitude, bemoaning how they were cheated by the penalty, how the second Real goal was after extra-time should have been finished, etc etc