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Month: May 2014

I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m acting on impulse and it’s scaring me.He invites me for a ‘sleeover’ tonight. I’m currently lying in his bed wide awake while he sleeps.
I’m in my old home, with my old family. But it doesn’t fit anymore.
It’s odd, I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here. Why’d I say yes?

I went on a date last night… It was really nice. It was one of those dates where you don’t want it to end and you don’t want to say goodbye. I really enjoyed his company and I look forward to seeing him again in a few days.

Then why the fuck am I here? Why did I give in and come here? The place and the people and the things that hurt me and brought my world tumbling down.

I’m so fucking confused. I want him but I need him.
My heart wants what it knows.
My brain needs something new.
Fuck, I’m stuck in the biggest pickle ever.
I’ve never been a cheater and nor will I ever be one. I have two men at my feet… And I want both.

Shit, shit, shit!

I don’t know if I can come back to this. To my old house, to my old family, to this old love.
Do I hurt him now and do what I need, try this new path?
Do I go back to my past, where I know what to expect, I know what to do. Where it’s “safe.”

I still have a lot in my heart towards him. But it’s changed and evolved into something different then it once was. Dare I say this feels wrong? Maybe i’m not letting myself open up? I won’t let him in. I don’t want to get hurt by him again.

Like this:

There is something wrong and I need some serious medical attention… I presume.

I’ve been getting severe migraines that are stopping me from going to work.
My depression and anxiety’s coming back after the other night.
I’ve given up all self-control.
I’ve gone back to smoking, cutting, and taking too much medication to find comfort and feel safe.

I haven’t been able to tell anyone. I’m so ashamed of myself and my actions.

Do I go to the hospital? Do I book an appointment with my regular doctor for an earlier date? Do I go back and see my therapist? Do I find a new therapist that practices a different school of therapy?

Like this:

Got off work tonight at midnight.
Got a text from my ex asking to sleep with him on my drive home.
Got to my room.
Got high.

Why can’t I do good in the world? Why am I constantly punished by the people I love and care deeply for? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I get over him?

Why? WHY? W-H-Y?!

So much for being sober. Just fucked up all my progress tonight. It’s dangerous for me to smoke and drink on my meds. It causes severe depression and terrible migraines… I’m now finding out.
There’a no alcohol in the house. But I always have marijuana on me. It makes me feel safe. Why? I don’t know! It’s there for me if I ever need it. It will never let me down. Same with self harm. It’s always an option. It always relieves the temporary pain.

What to do now… Clean up and wallow and sulk in the shame and guilt of my own filth.

Like this:

I’ve come to learn that ‘love’ is a complex word. It holds several meanings and has many degrees.
I only ever saw ‘love’ as a one definition kind of word. You used it in certain situations when you felt a certain way about something and/or someone.

The past few days, ‘love’ has showed me its many sides. It has let me understand the true meaning of its self.

I’m capable of having love, giving love, receiving love, feeling love, tasting love, smelling love, and seeing love in all its many forms.