Mitt Romney Sends Me a Personal Letter. Finally.

I received this fundraising letter in the mail from the Romney campaign a month ago. It’s edited down from the original five (5) page length, but I haven’t altered a word of the text. However, everything in italics is mine. After all, it’s impolite to receive a personal letter and not respond.

Mitt Romney
Boston, Massachusetts

Oct. 5, 2012

Dear Sean,

I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.

Thanks, Mitt! I’ve never been called “notable” before. Or, for that matter, “Republican.”

It’s simple, really….I believe in America.

As opposed to President Obama, who believes in Paraguay?

I believe in America and the greatness of its people and I wholeheartedly believe our best days are ahead of us.

“The greatness of its people?” Yawn. Hey Mitt, as fellow notable Republicans, let’s knock off the cynical pandering and be honest here: most Americans are every inch as bone-stupid as voters around the rest of the world. In fact, we’re also substantially fatter, lazier, more entitled, and more heavily medicated than our European and South Asian counterparts. In any case, let’s talk about something interesting that you really believe in. Like the planet Kolub, for instance.

Like you, I care deeply about America’s history, it’s [sic] promise, and its future. And, like you, I am sick and tired of BIG GOVERNMENT.

Actually, what I’m really sick of is your unwarranted underlining. Dude, lay off the special effects! I gotta say I’m also really tired of being fed my talking points in ALL CAPS, as if I’d be unable to parse your deep insights in a more restrained font.

Contrary to what Washington liberals would have you believe, bigger government does not equal better government. Bigger government has gotten us absolutely nowhere…except further in debt.

It’s so true! Bigger government hasn’t gotten us anywhere at all. Except, you know, giving women the right to vote. And insisting on equal pay for equal work. And passing civil rights. And enacting Social Security so that retirees don’t have to eat dog food. And ensuring that people have minimal health care. And legislating the eight-hour work day. And insisting on regular meat inspection. And seat belts. And ending child labor. And disaster response. And marriage equality. Aside from that, though? Big Government hasn’t done a goddamned thing.

Yet President Obama shockingly insists the private sector is “doing fine.” More than 234 million Americans are struggling for work and family wealth sits at its lowest level in two decades…that’s decidedly not fine.

Glad you brought that up, Mitt. In fact, it’s so shocking it needs another underline. And perhaps a few more…ellipses. Which would help clarify that we’re talking about certain family’s wealth being at its lowest level in two decades, right? Other families, like say, the Kochs or the Adelsons or the Ryans or the Boehners or the McConnells have done decidedly….fine. In fact, their wealth has drastically increased while their tax burden plummeted. In fact, Mitt, your experience ballooning your personal stack to over a quarter-billion dollars during the last three years of socialist tyranny may be your greatest (only?) qualification for office!

Americans deserve a president who understands how to grow the economy and has a real plan to get our country back to work and get the economy moving again.

Yeah, we all know what Americans deserve. But here’s the thing, Mitt. You haven’t really spelled out what your plan is, or how it’s substantively different from a mishmash of tax cuts and corporate loopholes that proved to be an utter failure under the eight-year yoke of George Bush. So I’m having a tough time backing you on that one. Because what you’re really saying is that you have no actual plan, except to come up with a “plan” that’s so inscrutable, detail-free, and paper thin that even FOX News won’t bother to question you about it until you get into office. It is sort of genius, I’ll admit.

I am running for president to bring true and lasting fiscal discipline to Washington.

Way to roll up the old French cuffs and go Bold, plus some serious additional underlining! That’s the way presidents bring it.

I am so grateful for the overwhelming support I have received from Americans across the country who are looking for new leadership in Washington, but I know there are some key Republicans—like you—who are willing to take their commitment to the next level.

Well, Mitt, as a key Republican I am more than happy to give you my overwhelming, rock hard support. My firm and aggressive support. My tender and gentle support. Yes, Mitt. My answer is yes. Let’s hold hands and crank this thing to the next level.

I would be honored if you would join our effort. Your contribution of $1,000, $2,000, $5,000, $10,000, $25,000 or even $50,000 will help our entire Republican ticket this fall.

Hey Mitt, why not $75,800, the maximum allowable limit?

Or $78,500, the maximum allowable limit.

Fantastic. Where do I mail my check?

With a contribution of $1,000, $2,000, $5,000, $10,000, $25,000 or even $50,000, you will enjoy the deep personal satisfaction that comes from standing up for what you believe.

Actually, for $75 I can get some deep, personal satisfaction down by the docks, and then still have $78, 425 to spend on a car elevator for my Aspen winter home.

Will you please show Romney Victory your full support?

I will. I totally will.

Sincerely,

Mitt

Thanks for your sincerity, Mitt. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

P.S. We cannot afford another four years of President Obama’s out-of-touch agenda. Your major gift of $1,000, $2,000, $5,000, $10,000, $25,000, $50,000, or some other amount, will help elect Republicans who will enact conservative reforms to get our fiscal house in order. Please used the enclosed envelope to return your contribution to Romney Victory.

You had me right up until the end, Mitt. I already said yes, but you’re still flogging away about the cash. Don’t you ever know when to stop? Fine, I’ve changed my mind. I’m officially undecided again. In fact, I am going to re-purpose the enclosed envelope and send a check to the Reform ACORN campaign instead. Or maybe the Ayn Rand Army, which is sort of like KISS Army, but with better patches.

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About Sean Beaudoin

Sean Beaudoin (@seanbeaudoin) is the author of The Infects and Wise Young Fool. His stories and articles have appeared in numerous publications, including: The Onion, The San Francisco Chronicle, and Al-Jazeera. His short story collection Welcome Thieves will be out with Algonquin Press spring 2016.

4 Responses to Mitt Romney Sends Me a Personal Letter. Finally.

Y’know what? I’m sick of you people (no doubt minions of the canine comestibles industry) who consistently ignore the nutritional superiority of cat food! It’s been scientifically proven! By scientists!