Open Letter: Dear Hollywood, Stop Feminizing All the Boy Things…

Some advice: maybe if you stopped treating women so poorly, if you listened to women instead of grabbing them, you would have a better understanding of women. Oh sure, the cries of extreme feminists are shrill. Breaking glass and the will to live like a herd of manatees butchered by the spinning blade of a power boat. No doubt piloted by the patriarchy. But the butch-cutted lesbians running HuffPo and BuzzFeed aren’t a fair sampling of the feminine kind.

Somewhere in the past several years, an idiot had what it thought was a good idea. This someone (I won’t assume gender) decided to recast and re-write Ocean’s Eleven as Ocean’s Eight. Because if one, two, three movies in the recent-ish decade (give or take five years) was good, remaking it with a squad of chicas is better.

Before I continue, here’s the trailer for Ocean’s Eight:

So even the introduction of the film is the same as Clooney’s. But now Sandra is stealing bling from a starlet instead of taking down an entire casino. Sandra’s Ocean is the estranged sister of Clooney’s Ocean. So see, it’s not a reboot. It’s a spinoff.

Despite what feminists screech, women and men are not the same. We like different things. We engage in different pursuits (career or hobby). We communicate and behave differently. This isn’t rocket science, it’s just science. Remember this for later.

If you Hollywood beaver-lovers wanted to make an all lady heist film, fine. You gotta do you, boo. But to copy a man’s formula, then slap ladies on it, with the idea of selling it to ladies because “it’s got ladies in it!” is the height of condescension. Dare I say it, sexism.

Here’s another problematic factoid: insisting women copy that which men have already done, then lauding it as empowerment, simply reinforces the chauvinistic belief men are better than women. “Imitation is the finest form of flattery” as they say. Remaking, or spinning off, a guy’s film, with lady characters, is a cheap bone thrown to feminist hogs who gobble anything in a pussy-hat package.

Most third-wave feminists are, in my opinion, weak, stupid women. They’re terrible at being women. A point I’ll expound upon at a later time. To use them as a benchmark of “What women want” is dumber than appointing Kevin Spacey leader of a boy scout troop.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with an all female ensemble (as there’s nothing wrong with an all male ensemble), but to give women sloppy seconds with a spinoff from a previous film of all men is patronizing.

Side note: “patronizing” is the word we used before “mansplaining” took hold. Google the etymology of patronizing. Have fun, my babies.

Just as you unoriginal hacks did with Ghostbusters, Ocean’s Eight is just moderately feminized. Lemme float a theory: perhaps the reason there hasn’t been an all girl heist film before is because women don’t form large groups to execute a heist. Am I wrong? Is history replete with all female gangs robbing banks? Bootlegging liquor? Or is that more of a masculine area? Sure, sure, there are exceptions. But Clyde’s Bonnie serves to prove the exception to that rule, no?

A woman, singular, has her own ways of getting precisely what she wants. She doesn’t need to form a girl squad to steal a necklace. Let your imaginations run wild.

But of course, you won’t imagine. The part of Hollywood feminizing all the guy movies has pigeon-holed women into a round, pink box. To you lot (I’ll assume mostly men), women are caricatures. They’re like men, just women. They can do anything men can do, only if men suggest it first.

How delightfully condescending, to assume ladies even want to be just like men. How greatly you must think of yourselves. Titans of Hollywood, masters of the universe. Those poor women, they need their own film. Let’s just give them Clooney’s old hit. There, there, ladies. See, you can also steal things, we’re not saying you can’t. Just understand it won’t be a casino, that’s too much for your pretty little heads. Just steal this necklace from Anne Hathaway. We know how much you love watching the pre-awards shows! Now give us a nice, big smile and be on your way.

I’m calling sexist bullshit. The more female reboots and copies you sewer hogs pump out, the more convinced I’ll be of your archaic, chauvinistic world-view. Well, that and your industry being full of rapists…