A fat girl living in a thin world

You know, I’ve always wanted to be like the pretty girls. Thin, petite, beautiful… the whole works. I wanted to feel like I fit into today’s societal norms. I have never been a small girl. Even as a kid, I grew up with a little extra always weighing on me. I was always made fun of for being “fat” in school. Once I started having problems finding clothes in all the mainstream stores, it became apparent that I was different. I wasn’t like my friends who were sizes 2 and 4 and could easily wear any medium shirt you handed them. I had to get an extra large to be comfortable and I hated the feeling of not being able to get something because they didn’t carry it in my size. Now, being a size 24, I feel like a complete failure.

I feel like I have failed myself and my body. The body that I was blessed with is now a symbol of my doubt in my abilities and of the lack of effort I’ve put into my health. Yes, I have a lot of factors working against myself but I don’t exactly eat and perform how I should in order to be at a healthy weight for myself. I should be around 130 pounds for someone my age and height. Being over twice that is something I never thought I’d ever be dealing with.

Most days, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I feel disgusted with the horror that I have created. Between giving in to my addiction of food, depression, and lack of self-control, I have never given my body the treatment it deserves. There are times when I try to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and maintain a healthy lifestyle… but then I get discouraged by the tiniest thing and I’m right back at step one.

I had a realization this weekend that hit me hard. I realized that I have hit my all time low. I am so far in depression that I cannot pick myself up to even work towards a happier life. I need a push. Looking in the mirror and trying to shop for clothes this weekend was that push. As I looked through the plus size sections of Charlotte Russe and Forever 21, I saw how skewed our society is towards thin women.

I believe all bodies are beautiful. Whether you’re a size 2 or 22, you are beautiful and special in your own unique ways. However, I also believe in living a healthy lifestyle, no matter what that means for the number on the scale. Looking at the selections given in the “Plus” sections of these mainstream stores shows the lack of accommodations made for big girls. They provide the same clothes in the same styles, with no work towards a better fit or more appropriate materials for the body type they are targeting. They simply recreate the same tight-fitting, little black dress and expect it to work for every body type that comes in. To me, that just creates more depression and self-esteem issues among the plus size community.

Yes, many of us want to lose weight to not only be healthy but feel healthy but shouldn’t our society accept us as we are in all of our forms, good or bad? This is something that often baffles me when I think about the world today. That no matter how many times by family and friends tell me that I’m beautiful, I can look online or in a magazine and see that I am not beautiful to the majority of our world.

Plain and simple, it hurts and I want to feel like I’m a part of my world. Maybe being thin isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know all women and men have self-esteem and body image issues that they fight separately every day. I have never doubted that, but looking at our world makes me wonder if, even with all the body positive and #TheseCurves campaigns and movements, will the world ever acknowledge a fat girl in a thin world?

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11 Comments

This post hit me so bad. Your writing it’s amazing, and it really made me think about how the world treat people who are not super thin. I have 10 kilos to lose, and they are really really hard. And when I go to the stores (where I live there’s not plus size in big brands) I get so sad, like I want to cry forever and never buy any pair of clothes again. But I keep my head positive. I mean, 30 years ago, women who were not the thinnest, were consider really beautiful. Because they were, and because we are. So I think people it’s going to have that mind set again. I just choose to believe that.

I feel this 100%. I also grew up as a thick girl and have felt like an outsider. My friends are small and can share clothes, and that’s nothing I’ve ever experienced. It can really tear at your self confidence and make you feel awful. I literally was just thinking about it today; how I don’t feel pretty enough to have a relationships sometimes. However, I do think beauty is an attitude as much more than a description of a body type. Having a pretty face is nice but if you don’t have a pretty heart then it’s basically useless. Try to remind yourself that being thin is only a shape characteristic, and it has nothing to do with who you really are. And when that doesn’t work, remember you’re definitely not alone in this feeling.

That is a very, very good point. I think another post I want to do are ways to look in the mirror and learn to love yourself, no matter what size you are. I really am trying to be more body positive and I know many others that struggle with the same issues. Thank you for reading, Kels! Pi love?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, today’s society has such a narrow standard of beauty that it can be hard to fall outside that – whether it’s size, height, skin colour or something else. None of us are “perfect” and I think that’s where our true beauty lies! 🙂 xo