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Archive for the ‘How To’ Category

Have you ever met that boy or girl that swept you up faster then you could figure out? Maybe a future promotion has you wondering what life will turn too if you get that raise? But what what if you dont sweep that boy or girl off their feet and your left sitting in the rain? Those future ideas that played in your head when you first tripped possibly set expectations that left your heart wide open to appear as failure in your own mind.

“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations.”

1. Nothing lasts forever, not jobs, not toys, cars, relationships or life.
– Things will fail, break, shatter, crumble and just disappear.

I love how this photo puts some releif in your heart when you think about all the things you felt like youndeserged but never received. Bigger better plan for you 🙂

– This is a renewal process that makes room for bigger and better opportunities.
– Accept it with a open heart.

2. Optimism is required to be successful
– Dont fret when you break your cell phone screen. Maybe its time for a new phone.
– Remember last time you could not find your car keys? Maybe that few mins saved you from a car blowing threw a stop light.

3. Your not a victim
One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity. You either have to be the victim or you have to be causing pain.

5. Forgive
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder

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Have you ever made plans and get them cancelled on you…. and then you make them again only to get cancelled. The person does not even call and let you know to not waste the time waiting on them all day for confirmation. Letting the weekend go by that you set aside to help.

Steps to take:

1: Let it go and understand that your time is not that important to them. They don’t have to respect your friendship, but you don’t have to be their friend either.

2: Don’t give up your time again for that person after you feel the hurt. If you can without appearing needy.
Talk with them

3: Find a guided meditation on YouTube that attracts love. A universal love and not just relationship love.

3: If your really upset… guided mediation on acceptance, grief or forgiveness. It will help you get out of the victim mindset and moves into attracting the loyal friends you need.

4: Go for a run or swimming… burn up some of the chemical that can put you into depression. Cortisol….

5: You have cleared your thoughts and removed yourself from a victim mindset. See that they are the victims cause they don’t get to enjoy you or your time.

6: THANK THE UNIVERSE FOR THE PROTECTION IT OFFERED YOU. Things don’t workout for a reason. If it’s not happening… it’s not ment to be. Maybe you could have been hurt more later on in the friendship.

7: Admire and respect those who DO want to be In your life and respects your time. Shows you the same courtesy you offer.

8: You will never have to chase true love or loyal friends. Keep faith that your worth more than what they have to offer you.

9: Show grace to all you meet, but value your time.

10: Try to be better friends this week to those that are in your life and let go of those who are not to excited to be in yours.

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First jhana
Suppose that a wild deer is living in a wilderness glen. Carefree it walks, carefree it stands, carefree it sits, carefree it lies down. Why is that? Because it has gone beyond the hunter’s range. In the same way, a monk — quite withdrawn from sensual pleasures, withdrawn from unskillful qualities — enters & remains in the first jhana: rapture & pleasure born from withdrawal, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

Second jhana
Then again the monk, with the stilling of directed thoughts & evaluations, enters & remains in the second jhana: rapture & pleasure born of composure, unification of awareness free from directed thought & evaluation — internal assurance. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

Third jhana
Then again the monk, with the fading of rapture, he remains equanimous, mindful, & alert, and senses pleasure with the body. He enters & remains in the third jhana, of which the Noble Ones declare, ‘Equanimous & mindful, he has a pleasant abiding.’ This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

Fourth jhana
Then again the monk, with the abandoning of pleasure & stress — as with the earlier disappearance of elation & distress — enters & remains in the fourth jhana: purity of equanimity & mindfulness, neither-pleasure-nor-pain. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

The infinitude of space
Then again the monk, with the complete transcending of perceptions of [physical] form, with the disappearance of perceptions of resistance, and not heeding perceptions of diversity, [perceiving,] “Infinite space,” enters & remains in the dimension of the infinitude of space. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

The infinitude of consciousness
Then again the monk, with the complete transcending of the dimension of the infinitude of space, [perceiving,] ‘Infinite consciousness,’ enters & remains in the dimension of the infinitude of consciousness. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

The dimension of nothingness
Then again the monk, with the complete transcending of the dimension of the infinitude of consciousness, [perceiving,] ‘There is nothing,’ enters & remains in the dimension of nothingness. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

The dimension of neither perception nor non-perception
Then again the monk, with the complete transcending of the dimension of nothingness, enters & remains in the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One.

The cessation of perception & feeling
Then again the monk, with the complete transcending of the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception, enters & remains in the cessation of perception & feeling. And, having seen [that] with discernment, his mental fermentations are completely ended. This monk is said to have blinded Mara. Trackless, he has destroyed Mara’s vision and has become invisible to the Evil One. Having crossed over, he is unattached in the world. Carefree he walks, carefree he stands, carefree he sits, carefree he lies down. Why is that? Because he has gone beyond the Evil One’s range.

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Does your child use hitting as a way to express displeasure? Do they smack other kids on the playground? Do they hit you if they don’t get what they want? This is natural and normal behaviour for children who do not always have the words or the skills to handle difficult situations. Toddlers and preschoolers will often respond physically to situations that upset them because they have not yet learned other ways to respond. In this post, I’ll share some ideas for dealing with hitting in toddlers.

1. Stop the Hitting

The first thing that I do is to stop the hitting. As gently as possible, I will hold my child’s hands and look her in the eye and explain in as few words as possible that we do not hit. A child who is angry and lashing out is not likely to listen to a long philosophical explanation of why physical violence is wrong, so I keep it simple.

Depending on the situation, I may also remove her. If she hit me or another child and is able to calm down immediately, then I wouldn’t remove her. However, if she continues to lash out at me or at someone else, then I would pick her up calmly and take her somewhere else before dealing with the situation further. I have left playgrounds, stores, restaurants, and parties with children who could not calm down until they were outside of the situation.

The other benefit of removing your child is that you aren’t having to deal with the situation directly under the eyes of everyone else who was witnessing it. I hate disciplining my children in public because I find myself making choices based on what would look right rather than what is the best thing to do.

2. Give Your Child’s Feelings Words

If a child is hitting or kicking, there is a reason that they are doing so. That doesn’t mean that it is okay for them to hit, but it is important to validate their feelings. I don’t always do that in the heat of the moment, because I find that they are not usually ready to listen at that point. However, once things have settled down, I will try to talk to them and mirror their feelings back to them in words. I will try to express what was making them angry and ensure that they know that I understand that. I will help them to find words that they can use next time instead of hitting.

With non-verbal toddlers, it is hard to tell whether it is their lack of maturity or lack of words that is causing them to lash out. Last year, when we were in Berlin for the summer with our kids, I noticed my 3 year old was hitting kids on the playground more often than she usually did at home. She was also grabbing toys away from them. I realized quickly that she was simply lacking the words to say “stop that” or “please move” or “can I play with you”. Once we gave her the few key phrases she needed in German and practiced them with her, she was fine. With toddlers that are just learning to talk, it may be worth practicing phrases that they can use instead of hitting.

3. Address Unmet Needs

Some natural parenting “experts” claim that hitting or other violent outbursts are always related to unmet needs. I don’t think it is necessarily true that they always relate to unmet needs, however I do think that is frequently the case. Kids may hit to get attention, because they are hungry or tired, because they feel that they are not being listened to (by you, by other children), or simply because they feel like they have too little control over their own lives. If my child has started hitting more often, I try to figure out which of those needs isn’t being met. Often they will not know it themselves. They just know that they are feeling off and end up lashing out as a result.

Sometimes hitting comes from parents telling kids what to do and not giving them any options. If parents give children more control, they should be less likely to lash out. Instead of asking my kids to do something, I prefer to tell them what to do, but provide options. So, instead of saying “would you like to put your shoes on now?”, I’ll say “It is time to put your shoes on. Would you like to wear the red ones or the blue ones?”

In terms of other needs, I try to figure out what they are and meet them. If they are tired or hungry, then maybe we need to shift gears for a snack, nap or relaxing activity. Maybe the day has just been too busy. If they are not getting enough attention, then maybe some special one-on-one time is needed to reconnect.

4. Give Them Alternatives to Hitting

Some kids hit because they don’t know what else to do. They are angry or feel like they have been treated unfairly and don’t know what to do about it, so they hit. I try to teach my kids alternatives to hitting. This can include:

Using words: Helping them to express their feelings and use words to solve problems instead of hitting people. Sometimes that is as simple as saying “no”. However, if kids feel like “no” is never respected, then they are unlikely to feel like that is an appropriate option instead of hitting.

Walking away: Teaching them that they can walk away when someone is treating them badly instead of lashing back at that person.

Stomping feet: If they do feel the need to react physically to their anger, I like to give them options like stomping their feet or pounding their fists into a pillow.

Asking for help: I think it is good for children to learn to solve their own problems and disputes. However, I would rather my kids ask for help with a difficult situation than have them resort to violence. So if they are having trouble with another kid, I would encourage them to ask me, a teacher or other trusted adult for help.

5. Don’t Hit Your Child

This probably goes without saying for most of the readers of this blog, but hitting teaches hitting. It is pretty hard to teach a child not to hit if you are hitting them. A lot of parents seem to think it is okay to spank their child when the child isn’t behaving the way they want them to, but then they expect their child not to hit anyone. Or, parents respond to hitting with more hitting, which may appear to “work” in the moment, but in the long-term just teaches the idea that the person who can hit the hardest wins. Modeling gentle responses and teaching our children how to handle difficult situations without resorting to hitting is the best thing we can do in the long-term to teach them that physical violence is not only wrong and disrespectful, but also unnecessary. I remind my children regularly, both when they have just hit me or someone else, as well as on peaceful occasions, that it is never okay for them to hit someone else and it is never okay for someone else to hit them.