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The News with Johnny Cool on Friday 21st September

The headlines, shocking news for men as Amsterdam announces a cut in brothels by 31%, its not all bad news as companies that manufacture ticketing systems are set to benefit -'sorry love I know you want a quickie but its number 7 next, your number 73 so get to the back of the que!'

A national motto is to be displayed on all schools and public buildings, Burnley and Bradford are likely to dispaly 'if your not white you can p off back to where you came from' The council is now expecting a mass exodus of non-whites to Birmingham.

ITV have announced they will no longer host the comedy awards after finding phone vote irregularities, this explains why Ricky Gervais has won it for the last 5 years, people thought they were voting for the biggest 'Tos sir'!

In seperate news the BBC have sacked a producer from the childrens show Blue Peter, also for phone irregularites, after the naming of a cat chosen by children was changed to 'Sock', many mothers were saddened by this as they felt there was nothing wrong with the winning name chosen by the children – 'Lick this Pussy' – you try and get your pussycat to drink a plate of milk.

News just in, Tony Blair has stated 'he will not be attending the labour conference', he is aware that he is not invited! He has given his full backing to the party faithfuls and told them to watch the movie which helped him in politics – liar liar.

And finally the weather

Weather Gordon Brown ever says to the chancellor, Darling can you come in my office