Weed Porn: Not What You Think

I work in pot and porn, so when I heard the phrase “weed porn,” my heart fluttered in a way that is usually reserved for tall handsome ethnic men and Oops All Berries. Based on my “research” I was fully aware that there are smoking fetishes, porn categories, and aficionados. I was really hoping that somehow weed porn was something I missed entirely somehow when I was scouring the internet. I was excited for the ocean of stoned sex I was about to jump into. Little did I know, weed porn is not what you would think.

What Is It Then?

Shockingly there is no Wikipedia article detailing “weed porn,” but to no one’s surprise there is an Urban Dictionary entry for it. Urban Dictionary defines “weed porn” as, “Watching danky bud pics and jizzing in your pants from excitement.” Ohhh. Well, ok. Also, if anyone is curious, I spent a good 2 hours reading things on Urban Dictionary, and I now I know that going “Full Donald” is an actual thing. Thanks, Urban Dictionary.

Crystals and Flowers and Buds, Oh My!

Ok, so in not fucked up Urban Dictionary user terms, weed porn is pictures of very good quality marijuana that are so pleasing to the eye that they are almost arousing. There are like, a million websites dedicated to weed porn too. Like almost as many as actual porn sites. There’s even weed porn on Pintrest, which is confusing because I always thought Pintrest was for sad young women planning non-existent weddings.

I will admit at first I thought the notion of arousing bud was kind of silly. Then I Google imaged it, and I realized that good looking Mary Jane was the most arousing thing I’ve seen in months.

Look at this. I would make tender yet aggressive love to this.

Everything looked so sticky and colorful, I actually started to irrationally miss my own weed, which was resting in my nightstand at home. There was literally a picture of a tall, beautiful plant that I wanted to hug and rub my face on like a cat does when it likes something.

After I excused myself and went to the bathroom for several minutes, I came back for round two.

Real Porn

So there’s all these beautiful pictures of the most exquisite bud in the world, which are making me salivate from my mouth and my vagina. Peppered in are some amateur pictures of naked women covered in weed. Personally, other than taking a bath in Jello, there is nothing I would love more than to cover my naked body in good weed. Of course, it’s at this point that a coworker walks past my desk and sees what I’m oogling. Looks like I’m not getting invited to lunch. Again.

At this point I don’t know which I like better: beautiful weed or beautiful women covered in slightly less beautiful weed. Then I saw what can only be described as the Peter North of weed porn. (For those of you who don’t know who Peter North is, he is pretty much the best male porn star ever to exist, and his volume of cum rivals that of a palomino). There is a picture (included below) of a bud as big as a man’s leg. Immediately I had the urge to dry hump it, which in retrospect was totally reasonable. It looked like a stoner teddy bear that you can snuggle at night when you can’t sleep and you’re afraid someone might break into your house because you may or may not live in the hood (just me?).

I understand why it’s called “weed porn” now, and although there was no actual jack rabbit style penetration, I was certainly not disappointed. It’s actually a little heart-warming to know that there are communities of people out there who get that excited about really ridiculously good looking bud. My vagina didn’t hate it, either.