Every Woman’s Dream Wedding

“God, I’m so happy for Matt and Alyssa, you know? Their wedding has just been so perfect.”

“Oh, I know! Those ghost orchids? GHOSTORCHIDS! How beautiful were they?”

“Exquisite! When I finally get married, I want my flowers to look just like Alyssa’s… except… even better, you know?”

“Oh, I know!”

“Instead of ghost orchids, I want to get real ghost orchids. Like, ghost orchids that are actually dead, but they’re still there in spirit. They just hover in the air like fairy shadows.”

“Oh, I know! That sounds amazing! You know, I also loved — like, LOVED — I’m not lying, I really did love the first dance she had with her father.”

“God, yes! It was beautiful. I want to do the same thing when I get married… except… better, you know?”

“Oh, I know!”

“When I get married, the dance floor is going to mechanically open to reveal an ice skating rink and my dad and I are going to ice dance like Torvill and Dean to ‘Butterfly Kisses.’”

“That sounds amazing — but isn’t your dad in a wheelchair?”

“That’s what’s going to be so amazing about it.”

“Wow!”

“Yeah, it’s going to be the best. You know how Alyssa had her English bulldog be the ring bearer?”

“Oh, I know! Winston was so cute! The jowls! I literally lol-ed.”

“When I get married, I’m going to do the same thing… except… better, you know?”

“Oh, I know!”

“Instead of a dog, I’m going to get a better animal. Like a gorilla. A gorilla is a better animal than a dog, right?”

“Oh, I know. It’s totally better!”

“Yeah. A gorilla. I’m going to go into the mist to get one and then I’m going to get a mist machine and it’s going to come out of the mist with the rings.”

“That sounds fantastic!”

“Also, you know how Alyssa wore that gown that was designed by Givenchy?”

“Oh, I know! It was beautiful!”

“Yeah, well, I would love to have a Givenchy gown when I get married… except… even better.”

“Oh.”

“You know how Audrey Hepburn was Givenchy’s muse?”

“Oh, I know!”

“Yeah, well, when I get married, I’m going to have someone secretly exhume her corpse and if she’s wearing Givenchy in her tomb, I’m going to wear that dress.”

“What if she was cremated?”

“Oh, and can you believe they rented this entire private island for their wedding? And Alyssa took a mud bath in the island’s healing mud springs last night?”

“Oh, I know! She said she was so relaxed! She fell asleep to birdsong!”

“Well, I’m going to do the same thing when I get married… except… better. I’m going to rent the entire state of Hawaii. All the birds in the trees are going to have to sing the score of Les Miserables for me and I’ll sleep the night before in a pool filled with chopped up pineapple.”

“That’s so genius!”

“Also, I love the way Alyssa did her hair. I’m going to do my hair the same way… except… better.”

“Oh, I know!”

“I’m going to convince her slowly over time that she can pull off a pixie cut, and then when she gets her hair cut, I’m going to sneak into her salon’s trash bin, sort through all the locks of hair and find the shorn pieces of Alyssa’s cinnamon-colored hair. Then I’m going to sew the pieces together and I’m going to wear Alyssa’s hair like a wig.”

“Amazing! I wish I had thought of that!”

“Ugh… Matt’s so perfect for her, too.”

“Oh, I know! When I get married, I want to marry a guy just like Matt.”