Labor Dept. blames low job growth on Ryan Seacrest taking them all

Our 162,000 combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here to subscribe to that)
know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that
evening's late-night jokes before broadcast. Usually, we publish a
collection of these and other jokes early each week.

SethMeyers: A Virginia Tech professor claims he can turn wood-chips into food. However, still no luck with kale.

Conan: Workers building the LA subway have discovered Ice Age fossils. The fossils belong to the last creature ever to use the Los Angeles subway.

Letterman: New scam in town. A ring of hardened criminals is selling counterfeit Chapstick. I knew right away it was counterfeit. The cap didn't come off in my pocket.

SethMeyers: The world’s longest-serving ice cream man is retiring after 50 years. He plans to spend the rest of his life trying to get that song out of his head.

Fallon: A family called the police because their cat cornered them in a bedroom. Yeah, they would've climbed out the window, but their hamster was blocking the way.

Fallon: London's famous Globe Theater just announced plans to perform Shakespeare's “Hamlet” in North Korea. “Hamlet” is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Kim Jong-Un said, "Where do they come up with this stuff?"

Conan: Archeologists have discovered a leather belt believed to be 4,000 years old. So, now we know why Larry King wears suspenders.

SethMeyers: The website for the Ohio Department of Natural Resources had a porn film up for a week before someone noticed. Or, before someone who didn’t like it noticed.

SethMeyers: A new study names Los Angeles as the worst American city for gridlock. While Portland remains the best American city for dreadlock.

SethMeyers: A British woman was fined because her sex dungeon violated fire safety laws. Though she claims the fire safety laws enjoy being violated.

SethMeyers: Researchers have discovered the first T-Rex fossil within the Arctic Circle. The T-Rex apparently froze to death because he couldn’t button his jacket with those little arms.

SethMeyers: Taco Bell has announced a new partnership with a clothing line to make socks covered in illustrations of tacos and burritos. They’re the socks that say to the world, “I’m addicted to marijuana.”

Fallon: The Labor Department says 3.9 million U.S. jobs are available. Even more exciting when you find out there's still TWO that HAVEN'T been taken by Ryan Seacrest.

Our 162,000 combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here to subscribe to that)
know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that
evening's late-night jokes before broadcast. Usually, we publish a
collection of these and other jokes early each week.

SethMeyers: A Virginia Tech professor claims he can turn wood-chips into food. However, still no luck with kale.

Conan: Workers building the LA subway have discovered Ice Age fossils. The fossils belong to the last creature ever to use the Los Angeles subway.

Letterman: New scam in town. A ring of hardened criminals is selling counterfeit Chapstick. I knew right away it was counterfeit. The cap didn't come off in my pocket.

SethMeyers: The world’s longest-serving ice cream man is retiring after 50 years. He plans to spend the rest of his life trying to get that song out of his head.

Fallon: A family called the police because their cat cornered them in a bedroom. Yeah, they would've climbed out the window, but their hamster was blocking the way.

Fallon: London's famous Globe Theater just announced plans to perform Shakespeare's “Hamlet” in North Korea. “Hamlet” is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Kim Jong-Un said, "Where do they come up with this stuff?"

Conan: Archeologists have discovered a leather belt believed to be 4,000 years old. So, now we know why Larry King wears suspenders.

SethMeyers: The website for the Ohio Department of Natural Resources had a porn film up for a week before someone noticed. Or, before someone who didn’t like it noticed.

SethMeyers: A new study names Los Angeles as the worst American city for gridlock. While Portland remains the best American city for dreadlock.

SethMeyers: A British woman was fined because her sex dungeon violated fire safety laws. Though she claims the fire safety laws enjoy being violated.

SethMeyers: Researchers have discovered the first T-Rex fossil within the Arctic Circle. The T-Rex apparently froze to death because he couldn’t button his jacket with those little arms.

SethMeyers: Taco Bell has announced a new partnership with a clothing line to make socks covered in illustrations of tacos and burritos. They’re the socks that say to the world, “I’m addicted to marijuana.”

Fallon: The Labor Department says 3.9 million U.S. jobs are available. Even more exciting when you find out there's still TWO that HAVEN'T been taken by Ryan Seacrest.

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Fallon: Obama wants less prison time for people convicted of drug-related crimes. If your only offense is smoking lot of weed, your sentence would be four to eight years as president.

Fallon: John McCain led some senators to Ukraine for a firsthand look at things. When they landed, McCain was like, “This is a disaster! These people are living like animals!” Then someone said, “We have a layover, sir. This is LaGuardia.”

Fallon: Crimea voted on joining Russia. But the ballot had no "No" option. Asked where he got that idea, Vladimir Putin said, “The iTunes user agreement.”

Fallon: A New Jersey judge says women can keep their husbands or boyfriends from the delivery room during labor. Asked if they'd mind leaving, the husbands and boyfriends were already gone.

SethMeyers: Obama wants schools to demonstrate their proper preparation of students for real jobs after graduation. So don’t be surprised if chemistry class Monday is all about how to make a cappuccino.

Fallon: A native Alaskan won the Iditarod dogsled race in a record time of eight days and 13 hours. Afterward, he said “We did it!” And his dogs said, “Who’s this ‘we’?”

SethMeyers: A California woman taking her driver’s test for the third time caused a gas leak when she crashed into the DMV office. Even more amazing, this was during the written test.

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