My favourite reviews

Tunecore, the digital distributor that I use, provide a reviewing service where they put your tunes in front of a bunch of people, collate the results and then give you some stats on how marketable your music is. I thought it might be neat to give this a go and do a bit of market research, if only to get an understanding of the process. Overall, the reviews were positive and constructive and I found the whole thing to be reasonably worthwhile. I did, though, have to weed out some of the… more …interesting… ones.

And here they are! If you came to my EP launch, you’ll have heard some of these already, but either way, bear in mind – I paid for these.

On “Hah”

The song was cool and the beat was simply nice and fantastic. I was interested in the melody and the beat was simply grand. I was happy to see the song was nice and the beat was mellow. I was mad the singer was not in the song.

AWWWWWW d’you know what I did? I completely forgot to mix the singer in! YOU were mad, mate? I was frickin’ LIVID!

And yet…

The singer is so good i like these song. the instruments used on the song are the guitar solo and the piano. the lyrics of the song are relaxing

This guy could hear the singer! And the guitar… and the … piano?

I WANT WHAT HE’S SMOKING!

It is just to plain for me. There were no lyrics, no drums, no guitars, there was no anything!

Seriously? No anything?

This next one is my ABSOLUTE PERSONAL FAVOURITE THING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW EVER

this song sucks. i would never listen to this in my life. the tempo is horrible. the beat doesn’t go along witth any of the sound effects. and i would give this song a zero out of nothing because i hate it . maybe if i would have thrown up it wouldn’t have been so bad. but it wasn’t good. At all.

Rating: 10/10

That is just a thing of complete, ranting, foamy-mouthed, totally-missing-the-point-of-how-the-numbers-work beauty. I love it to bits and I’m going to ask my artist friend Katie to write it out in an elegant calligraphic hand and frame it for me. It’s THAT GOOD.

This is the longest of all of the reviews I got and it’s awesome…

the digitally stuff at the beginning is nice but then it doesn’t go anywhere for a really long time, its still going. no, i don’t like this there’s so much happening and my brain can’t figure out the noises by themselves, this is why i hate techno/dubstep. that beginning “opening a computer sound” is still their and it stands out the most to me through most of it more like a haunting than a good thing. no. i really hope kids in the future don’t think this is the best thing in the world, like the pop today. there’s no talent other than putting noises together, there’s no voice there’s no instrument there’s no originality theres no harmony or melody, the only words I hear are just weird “ha” noises. not really hard work other than slouching over a computer screen for 9 hours. the length of the song felt like forever

Just. WOW.

Slouching over a computer screen. For 9 hours.

No wonder I’ve got a bad back.

On “Unblocked”

Let’s move on. Perhaps I’ll have more luck with another tune…

This song does not have any lyrics or drums or guitars or trumpets or singers or anything really. I am definitely not a fan of these kind of songs. This is just plain and annoying, this is just one beat played on loop for like 3 minutes.

One day I’m gonna actually try that and see what it sounds like.

Techno bleep glitch tune. The rise and drop is ok sounds a little too much like deadmou5.

Yeah, OK, you got me there…

I think the sound effects in this song are good. they go along with the beat great. I love the lyrics.

You. Love. The. Lyrics. This is a true fan of minimalism here, folks. Either that, or he’s a friend of the guy with the guitars and the piano. Maybe they share a dealer?

Next one’s a real favourite, you may have already seen this one on Twitter:

Love the beat, I will get this playing in the club near me i am sure all the girls will take tops off to this song!!

I was paying really close attention to the audience when I got to this one in the set at the launch gig. I can quite categorically say that this reviewer is utterly, utterly wrong.

I think we’ve met the next reviewer before…

The beginning digital beat isn’t pleasant. i dont like dubstep/ techno at all and now there’s just so much going on and its overwhelming and i feel like i’m about to have a panic attack. Theres no lyrics. theres no instruments. theres a nice beat and a nice rhythm but the noises are too much. no origionality and no hard work other than slouched over a computer screen for a couple hours.