Divorcing the ADHD Husband

I have been reading posts for a long time and often times it has helped me to calm myself down after feeling particularily upset about another incident with my ADHD husband. We have been married 17 years - he is 17 years older than me but I feel much older!!!

Almost a year ago after years of chaos and unpredictable behaviours I asked him to move out of the house. We agreed we needed a break - I was overwhelmed with all the responsbility on my shoulders and I wanted him to go out on his own and see if he could manage. I thought it would force him to take a look at his untreated ADHD - get the medication (actually take it) and get some counseling. I am 100% financially supporting our children, two dogs, several properties and my business. He lives as a tenant of my tenant, drives his motorcycle to his part-time pilot teaching job and is now telling everyone he is happier than he has ever been!!! I am appalled and quite frankly embarassed for myself and my children. I am very driven and succesful - I work 10-12 hour days and make a good living. I just cannot get over my anger and resentment that I supported this man/child for all these years and now he is just riding off into the sunset without a care in the world!

During our marriage he didn't have angry outbursts or temper tantrums - to the contrary - he wouldn't speak about issues, showed little emotion towards the family (Ironically he can easily cry during an emotional McDonalds commercial) and just seemed distant and removed all the time. His contract pilot jobs were terrific for someone like this - he never had to really invest or commit to anything because the phone would ring and off he would leave for days or weeks at a time. Actually the more he was gone the better we functioned and I was used to taking care of everything.

In the past few weeks I have met with my attorney and begun the divorce process - it has been hard. I repeatedly tried to reach out to him to see if there was any chance of reconciliation but he has become even more distant, irritable and removed. I set up three different times to meet and the first meeing as I was waiting at the restaurant he called and said he would be an hour late, the second meeting he was twenty minutes late and my third invitation to dinner he stated he couldn't go because he was going with his roommate to his girlfriends (a woman who he knows I think is a complete loser) to make burgers on the grill. I guess I am in so much pain that it takes several slaps in the face before I come out of my own foggy existence. He just recently told me I make him feel bad about himself.

I am now preparing for a nasty divorce (he has already stated he may ask for monthly support) from someone that has completely abandon all his responsiblities - including his daughters. He lives less than five miles away and finally after many horrifying comments from me had our daughters over for a dinner last week. They had never set foot in the house - maybe he is embarassed that his children will see him living with another knucklehead (also in his 60's) in a house that is furnished with card board boxes. (This is because the roommate drives a mercedes, buys expensive wine and doesn't want to grow up either).

I go to our former marriage counselor (she originally diagnosed his ADHD) and she has stated I must move on. Even though I have been completely responsible for everything for years I can't overcome the feelings of sadness, lonliness, scared and overwhelmed. I send him posts from this site because I want him to get help so he doesn't completely alienate our children as well - I just don't think he understands how important that is. I hope he can function for our girls - I know it hurts them to see him living like a broke college student but I just keep reminding myself these are his choices.

Comments

Consider yourself lucky to be done with this bum! How gross it is that he is capable of treating his children so offensively!! And to tell you that grilling burgers is more important than meeting with his wife to discuss the future of their 17 year marriage!!! Unreal. I find his behavior irreprehensible. And to add to the mix that he will continue to sponge off of you after the marriage has ended by asking for spousal support?!?!? My advice to you is this: Don't beg him to spend time with his children. They are probably better off with no male role model than this loser! How old are your children by the way? Also, by keeping after him to keep up a relationship with the children, you are porbably only adding to your stress. Just continue to be the amazing mom you are and that will more than make up for this loser of a father they have.

~Just a thought: How about replacing him with your dad, a brother etc as far as a strong positive male influence?

Thinking of the husband as a "bum," "loser," etc. isn't productive. ADHD is a medical condition; he can't think like you do. How DOES he show his love for his daughters? Maybe those times aren't as dramatic and get lost.

My husband forgets my name! I forget conversations we had 10 minutes prior. We have to help each other, find common ground.

Sorry Nettie, but I have to agree with Steph to a point. And the truthful point is that is DOES have everything to do with his ADHD! Yes, he doesn't think like us non-ADHDers, but he got diagnosed, and chose to leave it UNTREATED. I'm sure he has knowledge about the effects of his so called "medical condition", and how his relationship deteriorated because of it, but it seems like he's still in denial and/or is just too lazy to get the help to salvage this 17 year marriage. So by his own choice to go "untreated" and continue to play his blame game, I consider the word "bum" to be appropriate, if he wants spousal support. As for the word "loser"...well he is, because he just lost the best thing ever to come into his life!!!

I have been married for 4 years and have a 15 month old son. My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago and has been on medication. I have slowly watched him circle the drain in the last two years. He has gotten worse since his diagnosis. I have always been the one to take care of everything. I encouraged him to change careers when he was 32, and paid his tuition for his program, took care of all the bills, household etc...In the beginning I liked to do everything for him, I liked taking care of him. I have learned that all it was was enabling his ADD. I have read so many of these posts and feel like I am married to the same person as many of you. I dont know how many times that I have heard, "Im not going to change, this is me, this is who I am." Well, when our son was born things spun out of control. I think that my husband saw me become vulnerable. I was working full time, going to school for my Masters, new baby, a little post partum depression along with my own anxiety issues. I needed his help and support but he couldnt do it. He just couldnt do it!! He also had a hard time balancing work, social life and taking care of family things. Work became his priority ( he's a hair stylist). Along with his career comes a lot of social events, promotional things that usually involve alcohol and spending time with people who are much younger, people with no real responsibilities. I think he saw all of it as a way to escape. None of those people were saying to him, "Wow, your son is a week old and you are here at the salon christmas party? Maybe you should go home and spend time and help out your wife." Basically, it got worse and worse as time went on. We had many terrible fights, me begging him not to leave, him getting so angry and frustrated that he couldnt think straight and just wanted to leave the house. I just wanted some attention, to be taken care of, some acknowledgement of how much I was taking on. I didnt really get any of it and the fights continued. Last June my husband moved out. We spent the last 9 months trying to work it out. All he kept saying was that we needed to take baby steps. I got more and more frustrated because I felt like there were so many opportunities that were missed when he could have or should have come home. Time just kept going by. We had some really great times and I was very optomistic but now its even worse. Recently, My husband wanted to spend time with me and I told him no. Not until we talked about what was going to happen with the marriage, to discuss a REAL plan. Basically we havent spoken to each other in 3 weeks, I packed up the rest of his things and had his mother tell him to come and get it all while I was at work. I also cut off the cell phone forcing him to set up his own account, stopped paying student loan and credit cards in his name. All are currently delinquent. He cant handle being out on his own. He says that every day is a struggle for him. I get it but I dont at the same time. DOESNT HE RECOGNIZE MY STRUGGLE? I am taking care of our son by myself, paying all of the household bills and going to school while working full time. He sees our son twice a week while my mother in law babysits when I am at work. He wont talk to me, only texting on the phone because it "breaks his heart to hear me cry."

So is my husband a bum or a loser? In some ways yes, but I know that he is SICK, he is not managing his ADD appropriately and has found other people to enable him. He is also depressed. He looks horrible, lost about 40 pounds, pale etc..I look at pictures of our wedding and I feel like that person is dead. This is the pull for me. I do not want a divorce, I want him to come home, get help and participate in life. But he is stuck, stuck in his depression and stuck in his ADD. And that does not make him a loser or a bum. I am glad that I have set some boundaries by separating his bills from mine and making him move the rest of his things out. It was out of love, not anger. I think he really needs to realize that if you want to live away from your family ,deciding if you want to be married, then be a man and take care of your own stuff. I am scared too, that what I have done will cause him to distance himself further. I feel like I am in hell. I hate the limbo. Can anyone give me any advice?

I've read many many posts here...almost all sounds the same. Including mines. It sounds to me that he's on the wrong meds, if he's gone downhill. You say he's been on the meds for 2 years? I haven't heard anything about a follow up w/a doctor regarding the meds either. Normally there are 2 doctors involved. One for diagnosing, and prescribing meds for ADHD, and one for ADHD therapy. I've haven't seen anything in your post about ADHD therapy either. Remember "ADHD therapy"...not marriage counseling. This therapy is the key to success. Only meds, is not sufficient. Until you get a committment which will only come until YOU place the Ultimatum on him, then expect it to continue either spiraling down, in limbo, or divorce. You are to me doing the right thing though. He can't have his cake & eat it too. Sometimes people have to really hit rock bottom till they have no other choice to finally make a decision. It sounds like you're a very educated person. Sometimes though, when we're in our own drama, we sometimes lose sense of what we already know. Just remember the difference of the words "help", and "enable". When you say that he is stuck? Well then isn't that HIS choice to be stuck? Many people have depression, and have ADD/HD, but they make the choice to get help because they want to create a better life for themselves and others that are affected by it. Hope this helps.

My husband started on Concerta with Ritalin to supplement. I think now he is on Adderall with the Ritalin. He sees a psychiatrist for his meds and I was under the impression that therapy was a requirement in order to make the appointments to get more prescriptions. The first set of doctors dumped him out of the system when he stopped going to therapy. No therapy, no meds. He had to start the whole process over...which he did on his own suprisingly. Now his psychiatrist seems to not be following up on the therapy part and he isnt getting any. This pisses me off to no end. I would love to call the office of his psychiatrist but I know with the patient privacy laws they wont consider speaking to me. So my husband continues, like so many other husbands to place blame on me. We also tried marriage counseling twice. Both rounds my husband walked out of. I am getting my own therapy and trying to stay as strong as I can. I try to remember that my husbands negativity towards me is just him reflecting his anger about himself on to me. It is hard. I find myself wondering how such a great person with so much potential can be happy with the way his life is- maybe not happy but unwilling to change it. I dont want a divorce so I am still waiting it out for a while. I have found that I am much stronger than I originally thought. I can do it on my own. I have learned that life with your spouse is not about being dependent on each other or needing the other person, its about wanting them in your life. I guess you have to be able to be happy with out someone in order to be happy with them. Im trying hard to live up to this.

My husband has not hit rock bottom yet. And who knows when that will be. I try to keep the attitude that I am living my life and if he decides to join in and Im still available then LETS DO IT!!! THe solutions seems so simple yet he cant find his way to even start to talk about it. I think him not being able to physically talk to me is out of guilt. I know in his heart he knows what he is doing is wrong. At least I hope he does.

Considering that you're still right in the middle of all of this chaos, it sounds like you got the right attitude. You seem like a very strong woman w/a good head on her shoulders. Most women, including myself have been stripped of their self-worth, self-esteem, and completely neglect themselves of really whats most important..."themselves", until they themselves hit "rock bottom".

Unfortunately, it is not a requirement to go to therapy to get meds, which should be required by law. Then abuse, and problems associated by abuse of meds, would drastically be lower that what it is today. And most doctors, won't follow up on treatment. It's entirely up to the individual. Also, I'm not surprised that he went through whatever hoops that he did to finally get the meds again. The meds he is on, is the most strongest prescriped for ADD/HDers, and is highly addictive, and the most abused. Did you notice that when he was cut off from meds, that he changed for the worse? If he started w/Concerta, and bumped up to Adderall, his body already developed a tolerance for the meds. Depression is a major symptom while withdrawing from Concerta, and Adderall. Try googling it.

My husband who just started Concerta, is given daily to him by me. I dispense the meds to him, in fear that he will abuse it. If your husband who may have had/or still has any substance abuse problems existing....then I personally wouldn't trust him and leave him be to dispense it himself. Normally, these meds are frequently abused, and he's probably taking more than prescribed, which will have a negative effect on him, especially if he mixes alcohol w/it. If and when he decides to commit...try asking him if he's willing to let you dispense the meds for him. If he's defensive about it, then I would suspect somethings up. Logical right?

Like I stated before, you have to give him ultimatums, with time frames included. I know you don't want a divorce...none of us do...but it's unfair to you to have to drag this out, just waiting for him to come around. He needs to make a definite commitment now, and stop playing the games. It's really up to you as well. What your tolerance level is like, and how long you want to drag this out. In the meantime, you've got the right attitude about going about your life planning for whatever you need to do, in case he doesn't want to do whatever it takes to get the proper treatment. Realistically, it's not a matter of just empathy for him, that will be the glue to keep this relationship continuing. He needs to start "DOING" what needs to be done. Remember, you can't save, or help him, if he doesn't want it, and ready to fully COMMIT to getting the proper treatment. THERAPY is a MUST, along w/his meds!!! You also have your own life to live, and it really sounds like you've got the right attitude. With that, I feel that whatever the outcome will be, in regards to if your relationship works, or doesn't... you're in a good disposition, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Being in a relationship with a person w/ADD/HD, makes us all a lot stronger, and wiser, for us survivors.

Yes many of these posts sound the same. Also our pain. Its been a very long time since I've posted on here due to I got tired of all the stories of heaviness. had to take break.Meds are not always ALL the answers! I know they can help but what do you do when they don't? My husband ( soon to be ex ) was diagnosed as a small child with Adhd. he also suffers with depression and is an alcoholic. while I know theres reports about abuse of ritalin/concerta. mine was never put on any meds till he decided on his own at 21 yrs old. by this time he already was hooked on alcohol, cigaretts , pot and you name it. he has seen numerous you name it as well. after 12 yrs of marriage to a adhder I can only advise you to do what you think is best for you. Mine had specialists that helped him and was doing good or so I thought until I learned about all his lies.(something adhders tend to do to cover their embaressments and blunders) He lied so many times and did so many damaging things to hurt our marriage that it got to be I was walking on eggshells (Typical) and I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. I've learned since then soooo much about borders and knowing I wasn't going crazy....You know theres a saying that where theres a will theres a way..but if that person doesn't will then what? theres only so much a human being can handle, saddly I'am getting a divorce. I have been seperated for 16 months now and theres no chance of reconciliation. He walked out on me after Total chaos.Even getting kicked out of college for carrying a gun he carried just for self protection. (He bought it without my consent ) he ran me ragged with all the stress. I'am glad he decided to walk out on me and my children. It was the best decision he made for us. I feel very peaceful these days and have gone through a lot of getting back to knowing who I'am, I forgot a long time ago. It is hard at times but I have surrounded myself with a good support system. least you are doing the right choice now for you and your child. If he isn't willing to discuss the real plan then you have to decide what your plan will be. As far as if he sees your struggles probably not. I know mine doesn't and is indifferent to them. I hope that it will all work out..noone likes divorce..wishing you the best...