Aww BUGGER! Can’t make up my mind so I’m just going to use both opening banners I came up with for this week’s issue!

Ok so unless you’re living completely off the grid (in which case you’re not reading this), under a rock, or hiding from wood/industrial chippers and preparing for hip replacement surgery you know there is a solar eclipse in the near future. Monday August 21st to be exact.

I’m focusing today’s issue on basically everything you need to know about the upcoming event so you’ll have plenty of time and knowledge to prepare for it. We’ll also have a few sun themed music videos and jokes just to keep you all from falling asleep on me.

The day the sun disappears is coming!

(CNN) – In less than a month, on August 21, the sun will disappear across America.

For a swath of the country from Portland, Oregon, to Charleston, South Carolina, it will look like someone just turned off the sun in the middle of the day.

Fourteen states across the US will experience about two minutes of darkness as the eclipse crosses from coast to coast between 10:15 a.m. Pacific Time in Oregon until about 2:45 p.m. Eastern Time in South Carolina.

Even if you live elsewhere in North America, a portion of the sun will partially disappear near midday. Parts of South America, Africa, Europe and Asia will also experience a partial eclipse.

It is being called the “Great American Eclipse.” And you can mark it on your calendar, down to the millisecond.

It’s been 99 years since a total solar eclipse crossed the country from the Pacific to the Atlantic. The total solar eclipse on June 8, 1918, crossed from Washington to Florida.

Federal agencies like NASA, NOAA, the National Park Service and the Federal Highway Administration all have plans to enable safe viewing of the eclipse, up-to-the-minute weather forecasts, crowd management and navigating traffic and parking.

“Never before will a celestial event be viewed by so many and explored from so many vantage points: from space, from the air and from the ground,” said Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate. “With our fellow agencies and a host of scientific organizations, NASA will continue to amplify one key message: Take time to experience the August 21 eclipse, but experience it safely.”

Researchers will also take advantage of the rare eclipse to study the sun and the Earth using instruments on the ground and in space.

Okay, I apologize but I had to get this musical pun in before Impish decided to use it.

Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart

What is a solar eclipse?

On Monday, August 21, 2017, all of North America will be treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality can see one of nature’s most awe-inspiring sights – a total solar eclipse. This path, where the moon will completely cover the sun and the sun’s tenuous atmosphere – the corona – can be seen, will stretch from Lincoln Beach, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina. Observers outside this path will still see a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun’s disk.

What is It?

This celestial event is a solar eclipse in which the moon passes between the sun and Earth and blocks all or part of the sun for up to about three hours, from beginning to end, as viewed from a given location. For this eclipse, the longest period when the moon completely blocks the sun from any given location along the path will be about two minutes and 40 seconds. The last time the contiguous U.S. saw a total eclipse was in 1979.

Who Can See It?

Lots of people! Everyone in the contiguous United States, in fact, everyone in North America plus parts of South America, Africa, and Europe will see at least a partial solar eclipse, while the thin path of totality will pass through portions of 14 states.

Sunshine – Jonathan Edwards original song and lyrics

Where Can You See It?

You can see a partial eclipse, where the moon covers only a part of the sun, anywhere in North America (see “Who can see it?”). To see a total eclipse, where the moon fully covers the sun for a short few minutes, you must be in the path of totality. The path of totality is a relatively thin ribbon, around 70 miles wide, that will cross the U.S. from West to East. The first point of contact will be at Lincoln Beach, Oregon at 9:05 a.m. PDT. Totality begins there at 10:16 a.m. PDT. Over the next hour and a half, it will cross through Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Nebraska, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, and North and South Carolina. The total eclipse will end near Charleston, South Carolina at 2:48 p.m. EDT. From there the lunar shadow leaves the United States at 4:09 EDT. Its longest duration will be near Carbondale, Illinois, where the sun will be completely covered for two minutes and 40 seconds.

When Can You See It?

Times for partial and total phases of the eclipse vary depending on your location. This interactive eclipse map will show you times for the partial and total eclipse anywhere in the world.

How Can You See It?

You never want to look directly at the sun without appropriate protection except during totality. That could severely hurt your eyes. However, there are many ways to safely view an eclipse of the sun including direct viewing – which requires some type of filtering device and indirect viewing where you project an image of the sun onto a screen. Both methods should produce clear images of the partial phase of an eclipse. Click here for eclipse viewing techniques and safety.

August 21 Eclipse view by zip code

Go to this website and enter any zip codes of interest and it will show you what the eclipse will look like at that area.

Here Comes The Sun – The Beatles Tribute

Solar Eclipse 2017: Why One Portland Physicist Says Stay Away From The Water

[You’d think the unobstructed view from the water would be a great place to view a solar eclipse just as it is meteor showers. You might need to rethink that plan!- L.L.]

Physicist Jack Straton has almost seen a total solar eclipse. It happened once, on February 26th, 1979. On that fateful day 38 years ago, the astronomy buff headed out to view the mystical blackened sun beside a Stonehenge replica, on the banks of the Columbia River.

He says that eclipse event was a relatively “sleepy” one: a lone group of hippies clouded in smoke gathered around the river rocks, and it was “pot smoke so deep you couldn’t see the stones,” as Straton remembers.

But then, just as the eclipse was nearing its ultimate moment, when the Earth’s brightest star would be briefly gobbled up by the moon’s dark silhouette – everything changed.

“I had a perfect view, up until 2 minutes before totality.” That’s when Straton says the temperature dipped so suddenly, he missed the exact celestial moment he’d been waiting for:

“Mist rose off the river, and entirely blocked the total eclipse,” he says.

So this August, the star-gazer’s not taking any chances.

He’s been out scouting camping sites in Oregon’s national parks, picking out a few ideal eclipse-catching spots (away from the water this time.)

It’s all in the hope of glimpsing that magic moment of total eclipse, when the outermost atmosphere of the sun known as the ‘solar corona,’ comes into sight, and energetic particles stream out from the sun, bursting into our earthly view.

“It’s this big filamentary halo,” Straton says. “That, apparently, is glorious – although I can’t testify by my own eyes.”

Katrina & The Waves – Walking On Sunshine

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Found out the other day that my hip surgery is scheduled for 21 August. At long last, I’m hoping the pain will begin to be a thing of the past.

The weather has been unseasonably cold. I thought this whole global warming thing was supposed to give me more time in the pool, not less. I haven’t been in all week! Not that I’ve really had time…

So, let’s get on with the laughs.

In case you have old eyes have had a tough day and can’t read it, it says, “Damn fool thing to do – asking a wood nymph for a little head.”

This next video is so cool!

And here is another cool video…this one is called: “If it were not FILMED, no one would BELIEVE IT | Videos you will not believe.”

Okay, so I guess it’s video day…cause here’s another one. This is a sequel to the last one, “If it were not filmed, no one would believe it! 2017”

It doesn’t matter how big your house is, how much money you have, or that you wear expensive clothes. Our graves will be the same size. Stay humble.

What did our parents do when they got bored with no internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

It’s a cool picture, I don’t know why.

Smart ass!

An elderly couple were sat together and the lady said, “I remember when you kissed me whenever you could.”

The man leant over and pecked her on the cheek.

“I also remember when you held my hand all the time.”

The old man placed his hand on hers.

She continued, “I remember when you used to nibble my neck.”

The old man got up and shuffled out of the room.

“Where are you going?” asked the old lady.

“To find my teeth,” said the old man.

Every woman’s dream:Her ideal man takes her in his arms, throws her on the bed…
and cleans the whole house while she sleeps.

Well played, indeed.

Yeah, I just like this one, too.

I know, that each and everyone of you know someone like that. If you don’t, than maybe it’s you.

A man went into a café and sat his six children at a table. A woman asked, “Are all of those children yours?”
”No, I work for a condom company…these are customer complaints.”

Once in awhile we just have to stand back in awe of government.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever –46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because, “The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”

Thus ends today’s lesson in irony.

Yeah, yeah…it should’ve have a groaner warning.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks. “May I ask what you’re building?” asks the man behind the counter. “Yeah, it’s going to be a barbecue.” That’s a lot of bricks for one barbecue,” “Not really; you have to consider that I live on the 18th floor.”

That is truly amazing!

How about finishing off with a couple of fun videos?

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Been raining or T-storming (or both) here everyday for about 10 days now so everything, including my Lord of the Fae throne is getting a wee bit waterlogged and mushroomy I’m afraid. I don’t really mind the mushrooms all that much, someone will pick them shortly I’m sure and after that they’ll wind up featured in a dinner. No, it’s the bloody damp pants and skivvies that bloody well annoy me! Even when I put a pad on the chair is soaks through quickly.

Don’t suggest a golf umbrella over the throne either- that’s how my predecessor wound up waking up to find himself one of the Lollipop Guild Munchkins in Oz.

On the bright side we’re sure as heck not in any danger of being drought stricken with all this rain. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off ta get fitted for one of those “Gorton’s Fisherman” rain slicker outfits. Wonder if it comes in green?

Between the heat and humidity here (to say nothing of the daily torrential T-storms) I’m seriously considering getting one of these installed here at Keebler Towers. Of course the two attendants will be much older and legal age. Diamen? Jeannie? Any takers on the positions? It even comes with free uniforms, that is if micro string bikinis can be called uniforms that is.

A forked tongue speaks:

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

He said, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

Ok I have to admit while funny this next one has serious merit!

The Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary, ‘ said the teacher.

‘It sure was, ‘ said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff! Ffffff! FfffffF!” but before she could say ‘Fuck Off!’ the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room…

Here’s an idea- since it seems playing football can ultimately be potentially lethal deadly, maybe we should abolish Pro Football teams in favor of Pro Penitentiary teams like in that movie they made and then remade, The Longest Yard. Your team makes it to the Parole Bowl and you all get an extra parole hearing. No parole? Get a year off your sentence. MVPs get promoted to custodial status.

Some one needs to teach that dog it’s “Reach, Row, Throw & Go”!

And now, for perhaps the most frightening one of them all…

Impish is still carrying on a bit about Wood Chippers and getting fed to one, though admittedly he’s only doing it now whenever I give him a cross look or on the rare occasion he realizes he’s messed up badly.

I fail to understand why. I mean seriously, come on! Hypothetically, were I ever going to do something like that, I’d need something a heck of a lot bigger and more powerful that that trailered little wood chipper! Something serious, industrial, heavy duty. Possibly something two stage even to get him into really little easy to dispose of bits. Something like this for example:

NOT that I would EVER even CONSIDER doing something that cruel, hurtful or mean to my bestest bud and biggest paying client!

See Pal? Your safe with me! Besides, I can’t bill you for all the help I give you if your dead!

Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

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I had reserved Friday night to write up my opening for today’s issue, but I’ve got some heavy-duty pain going on, so I’m just going to let you jump right in to the issue. I hope for a more chatty issue next time.

Let’s Laugh!

An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied:

“When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die.”

I found this not only entertaining, but quite interesting.

And here’s another one that I found quite interesting

This one was sent in by K2 and is just called Hmmmm!

*Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

– Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

– 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

– Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

– The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

– If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.

– Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

– If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

– If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day”.

(It does fall on a Tuesday)

This was sent to me by a good friend who I won’t name because I don’t want him to get the hate mail I know I’m going to get. I present this short essay.

To all the whiners on the left, and to the crybabies in the LGBT community, let me throw some reality into your bowl of fruity pebbles…

Nobody has a “right” to serve in the Military. Nobody!!

What makes you people think the Military is an equal opportunity employer? Very far from it.

The Military uses prejudice regularly and consistently to deny citizens from joining for a variety of reasons, like being too old or too young, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short.

Citizens are denied for having flat feet, or for missing fingers or toes, poor eyesight will disqualify you, poor hearing, undernourished, Drug addiction, metal implants, Criminal history, Anxiety, Phobias, Hearing voices in your head, Self-identify as a Unicorn, handicapped in anyway, Can’t run the required distance in the required time, Can’t do the required number of pushups or sit-ups, have an eating disorder, or any kind of mental disorder, have a below average IQ, can’t read or comprehend English, can’t problem solve or make quick decisive decisions.

Are you not really a “morning person” and refuse to get out of bed before noon? You’re out!

You have a penis but want to use the women’s restroom? You’re out!

Don’t like the camouflage uniforms because you’d rather wear pink? You’re out!

The Military has one job… Prepare for War against anybody who threatens the safety and sovereignty of our nation! Anything else is a distraction and a liability.

Did someone just scream “That isn’t Fair”? War is VERY unfair. There are no exceptions made for being special or challenged or socially wonderful or different.

YOU change yourself to meet Military standards. Not the other way around.

I say again: You don’t change the Military standards… you must change yourself.

The Military doesn’t need to accommodate anyone with special needs or emotional and mental issues. The Military needs to Win Wars.

If any of your personal issues are a liability that detract from readiness or lethality… Then Thank you for applying and good luck in your future endeavors. Who’s next in line?

Having served for over 12 years of active duty and another 12 years as a civilian working for the military, I say hear! hear!

The military is not, never has been, and should never become, an equal opportunity employer! It’s too dangerous and too important of a job to be for “everybody”. There are plenty of other ways for you to serve your country if that is truly what you want to do.

And yes! I’m ready for the hate mail. Go ahead and comment.

You have an appointment at DL/LL Enterprises? You’ll have to convince her, first.

Papa Dragon sent this next one to me as a video clip and I searched around and found it on YouTube so I could share it with you guys…makes me proud to be Air Force. The LA Speed Check

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” Sharon Stone

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.” Steve Martin

” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” Elmo Phillips

” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”Oscar Wilde

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

You just realized…If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what is in a can of raid!?

A Billion dollar idea:
A smoke detector that automatically shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”

If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.

Yeah, it’s just a tad closer than that.

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

She’s still laughing.

Well folks, that’s if for me today.

Hope you are all well.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Well it finally happened, we had our first of soon to be many;“Heat Advisory issued July 29 at 10:13AM CDT until July 29 at 7:00PM CDT by NWS Houston – Galveston”on Saturday with promises of; “High temperatures near 103 degrees and heat index values 107 to 110 degrees across the all of the advisory area.”

Now is the time of year where hot tubs are covered to keep them cool, not hot and you don’t use the heater in them you use 5 pound blocks of ice to lower the temps.

Let’s get this started before it gets too hot for me to commute back to Keebler Towers.

Too hot for regular coffee so I’ve switched to iced coffee. Oh- the stone with the handle? Goes in the freezer, that way you keep your cold drinks colder longer with less ice to dilute them when you rest them on it.

And in case you’re wondering that’s the real reason behind the up coming eclipse -the broiling of Texas.

Yup we know. There is a Solar Eclipse event in our near future. As always we here at DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises are right on top of this. Well…okay…some of us are anyway. There might be one of us who is too busy hiding from a wholly illogical fear/ unfounded threat of trailer towed gas operated Flora Waste Compaction Devices.

“In fact…I…umm…Please excuse me just a moment I do apologies but frankly this hypochondriac Dracomulchaphobia boloney of Impish’s has gone on quite far enough I feel it necessary to immediately counsel him on his irrational behavior.”

Lethal attaches a Go Pro to his suit lapel then exits stage right. A moment later he’s at what appears to be a cargo lift. He does something with his phone and suddenly you hear Impish’s voice carefully stating “Coffee, Virgins, Cigars, Bacon and Jerky. This is my voice recognition password string” The doors part and Lethal enters. A moment later the doors reopen and Lethal walks into Impish’s office.

Impish who looks horribly worn down seems to be attempting to divide his time between doing what ever it is that is strewn all over his desk, peering fearfully out the French doors of his private terrace and fitfully listening at his door all the while muttering to himself about wood chippers, gore, gas engines and strange sounds.

Lethal strides right up to Impish and firmly grabs an earlobe, much like a mother with a recalcitrant child, and proceeds to apply thumb nail pressure until suddenly he has Impish’s undivided attention. Impish begins to open his mouth in protest but Lethal finger jabs him in the end of the nose before he can commence whining.

“NO! YOU JUST SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB AND LISTEN! This bollocks about wood chippers has gone on sodden well long enough you right git! ENOUGH ALREADY!

You have about as much chance of being compacted by a wood chipper as the entire planet does of seeing the Sol star consumed by one. Now I suggest you get a hold of yourself and I’m NOT referring to in a manner requiring personal lubricants, bloody well straighten your act up and start acting like the level headed troublesome sidekick I’ve known these past 7 years. OTHERWISE, I’ll be forced to seriously consider booking you into The Hokey Pokey Clinic for a prolonged series of sessions with Dr. Phil, Nurse Barney. Plus several lab times with Dr. Frank N. Furter until such time as one of them can locate the reason, psychological or physical, why your brain seems to be so firmly lodged up your bum! AM I CLEAR?!”

Impish whimpers as the thumb nail pressure on his earlobe has grown more and more intense through out Lethal’s “Come to Jesus Counseling Session” and carefully nods.

“I believe you Lethal. You’d tease me a lot and maybe deceive me a little, but never outright lie to me. If you’re will to make that kind of assertion, I’ll take your word for it and quit worrying about it. I’m sorry.”

Much less forcefully, Lethal says as he releases Impish’s ear, “Good! Nice to have you back among the numbers of the nearly sane. Now clean up this mess first and finish your paperwork. I’ll see to it some Brown Gold and a full on Deli Platter for 6 made with my stash, including the Pastrami, Potato Salad and Kosher Pickles gets sent up here.

Remember I promised you’ve got nothing to worry about a giant wood chipper will eat the sun before you ever get eaten by one.”

Impish nods while rubbing his tormented ear and returns to his desk to begin reordering all the papers on it as Lethal returns down stairs.

Now where was I? Oh yes! In fact on the 16th I’ll have nearly an entire issue devoted to the upcoming event full of educational and informational features on the rare event. I’ve been lucky enough in my life to witness an Annular and a Total Solar Eclipse from near perfect locations, the former in 1994 and the later in 1970. I’ve also witnessed about half a dozen Lunar Partial/Full Eclipses. What? KILLER date material! You take a nice lady someplace private and dark away from bright lights with a great view Then there is all this time to kill because you went early to get the best location.

Huh? Question? Sure! Yes I did tell Impish that a giant wood chipper would eat the sun before he got eaten by one, what of it? The Solar Eclipse? Not sure I follow. Look at it from Impish point of view? [chuckling] Lad my neck isn’t long enough or serpentine enough to view the word with me head up me… OH BLODDY HELL! HE WOULDN’T think… SIGH!

Lethal runs off stage right yelling for Impish.

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his behind.

“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my rear end.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

God Bless America!

===============

Interesting fact: The condom was invented by Arabic Muslims in the late 1200s by using the lower intestine of a goat, but was improved upon 600 years later by the British, by removing it from the goat!

Bush Brothers & Company Recalls Certain Baked Beans in 28 Ounce Cans Due to a Can Seam Issue

For Immediate Release July 22, 2017

Contact Consumers 1-800-590-3797

Announcement

Bush Brothers & Company is voluntarily recalling certain 28 ounce cans of Brown Sugar Hickory Baked Beans, Country Style Baked Beans and Original Baked Beans because cans may have defective side seams. These side seam defects may affect can integrity and may cause the cans to leak or allow for harmful bacteria to grow inside the product. Bush Brothers found the issue as part of their quality control inspections.

The recalled products were distributed nationwide in retail stores.

This event only affects the flavors and lot codes below. Lot codes are printed on the bottom of the can.

BUSH’S BEST ORIGINAL BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of 0 39400 01614 4 and Lot Codes 6057S LC and 6057P LC with the Best By date of Jun 2019

You should not use these products even if the beans do not look or smell spoiled. No illnesses or other adverse consequences have been reported to date in connection with this product.

The recall was initiated after product leakage from the side seams of cans of the above product was detected. Subsequent investigation indicated the problem was caused by a temporary quality issue from Bush’s? can supplier. The problem was corrected and no other product is affected.

Consumers who have purchased the product listed above are urged to call Bush’s Consumer Relations at 1-800-590-3797 between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday through Friday for instructions. Information may also be found on our website at www.bushbeans.com

The bronze rat

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San

Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.

“I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Impish’s latest Capitol Venture- Dragon Farms Turkeys. He’s decided he likes turkey so much that he wants it available for his menu year round and to make sure none get poached he’s having them tattooed with his likeness.

Speaking of Impish right before he went wood chipper whacko he’d told me he’d gotten a new hide out. I asked him if he’d followed my security suggestions. Answering in the affirmative he indicated he’d even taken my advice about a gate on the approach and keeping things low key. Somehow I think our definitions of low key are considerably different.

Sounds about right to me!

Case in point:

Sir Big Chief? Big Chief Sir Knight?

Priest’s retirement speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The democrat mayor and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, the mayor was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”;

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the mayor arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the mayor. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

Wow! Mother Nature is really bringing it!

A blonde enters a pet store. She looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

‘SEX FROGS’

Only $20 each!

Comes with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise … NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions … please call the pet store.’

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!’

The man … looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and STERNLY says:

‘LISTEN TO ME!!

I’m only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME…

=========

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital.

“How are you grandpa?” He asks.

“Feeling fine.” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”

“No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”.

“The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.