Wide Awake

Some of you may find that I am a bit insecure. There are many good reasons for that. Let’s start with the fact that everyone in my family loves Dan more than me. They openly admit this, and in fact reiterated it recently over Thanksgiving dinner.

Just to be sure, I asked my mom, in front of everyone, who she loved more, and without so much as a moment’s hesitation she said “Dan, of course.” As casual and matter-of-fact as you please. I looked around the table and everyone was nodding their heads in agreement. As it turns out, blood is not thicker than water.

I often think that it’s only a matter of time before Dan realizes he’s been married to a crazy woman all these years, snaps like a twig, and kills me. Not to be dramatic, it’s just that I watch a lot of Lifetime made-for-TV movies so I know this kind of thing happens. I’ve watched the movie over and over again in my mind. The police investigate and arrest Dan for the crime, but there’s my entire family protesting in front of the jailhouse, chanting FREE DAN, HE’S OUR MAN, FREE DAN, YES YOU CAN!! Who knows, my niece might even dust off her pom-poms from her cheerleading days.

When he finally goes to trial, the prosecution calls my mom as its first witness. Dan gives his defense lawyer a high five and a wink. My mom gets up and tearfully explains how sad it makes her that her daughter was such a pain in the ass that the only thing anyone in their right mind could do is kill her. Then she would blow kisses at Dan because she loves that kind of thing.

My brothers would testify that as far back as 1987 they warned Dan about me. “We all tried to love her your honor. It’s just, well…look at Exhibit A.” They play the footage from the day I capsized at the water park. Exhibit B is the clincher though; that’s the footage of me repeatedly falling out of a golf cart that wasn’t moving. The jury gasps! The judge giggles…

Cut to the triumphant scene outside the courthouse, my brothers carrying Dan out on their shoulders chanting HE’S FREE, WE’RE FULL OF GLEE! Well, probably not, cause that sounds kind of gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but you get the idea.

Anyway, I sleep with one eye open because of the raccoons hanging off my back door, and the other eye open to be sure Dan’s not going to smother me with a pillow. I am truly exhausted.

I don’t think anyone as jazzed as you are about kicking butt should be allowed to continue to study martial arts. One or two little black belts and now you’re saving the world? Very sweet though, really. Please don’t hurt me.

He’d never kill you while you’re trying to sleep. Given his degree of perfection, he wouldn’t want the residual guilt of disrupting your slumber. Nope, he’d do it while you’re awake, dressed, and fully prepared to greet the day.