The Ultimate, Indisputable Ranking of Planets in the Solar System

Recently, my colleagues at Deadspin posted a ranking of the planets. But it was mostly incorrect. After extensively researching and writing about our solar neighbourhood, I feel I’m fairly qualified to take a stab at ranking these bad boys once and for all.

Here is the one true ranking of planets in our solar system, which has perhaps only been previously uttered under the influence of rosé.

On paper, Earth has everything going for it: beautiful blue oceans, expansive terrain, and dogs. Unfortunately, it also has humans, who’ve gone out of their way to make Earth a garbage planet. The human infestation puts Earth narrowly above Mercury, only because I find Mercury suspicious. What is it trying to do?

6. Venus

Image: NASA

Named after the goddess of love, Venus is actually a literal hellscape with sulphuric acid thunderclouds and surface temperatures of 880 degrees Fahrenheit (471 degrees Celsius). For this reason, no spacecraft has ever made it on Venus for more than a few minutes. It’s pretty badass, but also, no thank you.

A lot of folks will be mad at me for not putting Jupiter first. In truth, Jupiter’s thiccness is simply poetic. It also has 69 moons (nice). But the remaining two planets just narrowly beat out ol’ Jupe by being a little less perfect. Imperfection breeds character, okay?

Much like a Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, Saturn is not just a destination, it’s a feeling. Simply looking at photos of Saturn transports you to a foreign planet teeming with mystery. In its vastness, Saturn also reminds us what connects humanity to the rest of the cosmos—that we’re made of the same stuff as these weird, wonderful worlds.