NEW YORK, NY—Columbia University archeologists have uncovered evidence that Noah may have had regrets about allowing geese onto the ark. On an expedition to Turkey to examine underwater remains of what researchers believe is the ark that Noah built to survive the biblical flood, journals were discovered and taken back to the University to be authenticated.

Archaeologist Janet Hennesey confirmed that the preserved pages came from Noah’s ark and were most likely from a journal written by Noah himself. The numerous entries all share the same topic: lamenting the existence of geese on the ark and the regret the author felt for not murdering the horrid animals before they became part of God’s newly purified planet.

The author of the documents speaks of the “wiggly-necked feathered demon spawn” as a constant source of trouble on board the ark. Part of the translated document reads, “Why, O Lord, did you fashion the goose from the clay? Curse the day upon which this animal came into being, and let it be filled with darkness, weeping, and gnashing of teeth.”

The document is full of lamentations and doubts brought on by the existence of geese. At one point, the author admits to trying to strangle geese on the ark, but laments that the neck of the goose, “is slippery like the writhing serpent,” and difficult to grasp.

Another portion describes the goose in detail:

For the goose is a troublemaker, a winged vermin, who goes about with a corrupt beak, with beady, malicious eyes, webbed feet, and motions hateful gestures with his wings, who plots evil with deceit in his heart— he always stirs up conflict. With his beak raised upward in haughty defiance, disaster will overtake him in an instant; he will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy. There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, honking, wings spread out to threaten the weak, a heart that devises wicked schemes, webbed feet that are quick to rush into evil, geese.

The document ends with a prayer begging forgiveness as the surviving geese are released into the post-flood world, lamenting that, despite the many evil men and women who had been wiped out, the most evil of all creatures had been preserved and would continue going back and forth on the Earth and in the sky just like Satan, a winged ripe slice of hell destined to dominate local parks and areas of human recreation, and to emit large amounts of excrement without ceasing.

Scholars are examining the text and debating whether it should be added to the biblical canon. Whatever they conclude, there is one thing all scholars agree upon: geese are evil.

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