This advisory clarifies confusion over which day is the most offensive to burn a particular holy book. (Disputes over competing sabbaths were decided by a coin flip, using a ceremonial coin with the face of Mohammed designating Heads, and a graphic depiction of the Virgin Mary being inseminated during the Annunciation designating Tails.) For maximum outrage of religious fanatics and other mentally ill persons, please torch an holy book only on its designated Burn Day.

Sunday: Eusebius, ed. — New Testament (subtitled: A Compilation Of Preposterous 3rd Century Fables About Some Guy Not Found in The Historical Record). Note: Please properly dispose of rosary beads, crucifixes and assorted statues by depositing them in the Idolatry bin at your local transfer station.

Monday: Smith, J. — Book of Mormon (subtitled: Being An Thrilling Account of Jesus’ Sold Out North American Tour, And The Phoenicians Who Used To Live There And Build Pyramids and Other Cool Stuff, As Revealed On Magic Gold Plates That Up And Disappeared One Day; Also Including Interesting True Vignettes Of The Prophets Who Live Inside My Closet)

Tuesday: Baker Eddy, M. — Science And Health (subtitled: Or, How I Conquered Psycho-Somatic Illness Through Fantasy). Tuesday is also the designated day to burn Battlefield Earth, plus all copies of Watchtower and Awake! that create a fire hazard by accumulating behind your screen door.

Wednesday: anon. — The Atharva-, Rig-, Sama-, & YajurVeda series. (transl: The More Gods, the Merrier!; The More Arms, The Merrier The Gods!; 101 Useful Spells, Incantations, and Curses; Reincarnation For Dummies). Note: please do not attempt to burn stones that are shaped like phalluses.

Thursday: Thursday is a Day of Rest, to collect kindling.

Important: To reduce smoke nuisance to your neighbors, please burn only one pile of holy books at a time. And never leave piles unattended, or mix books of different, stupid beliefs into one pile. But no need to ever apologize.

Ima Puma attended the President’s recent speech on the economy. Applying her mad steno skills, she captured the actual text, which appears below.

Remarks by the President on the Economy in Owatanassami, Kansas

Owatanassami High School

Owatanassami, Kansas

12:59 P.M. CST: Bell rings.

THE PRESIDENT: Class, be seated.

AUDIENCE: Good afternoon.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, it is great to be back in the state of Texas. — (laughter) — Did I just say Texas? I meant Kansas. I’m from Kansas, as many of you know. I got my Kansas accent — not the one I use with the CBC; the one I’m using now — from my mother, who moved to Washington at age three. Her parents were from Texas, too. So my Kansas roots run deep. Did I mention I’m also Irish?

My grandparents served during World War II. He either liberated Auschwitz, or served in the Navy, or was declared 4F; she posed for that Rosie the Riveter poster. I got my biceps from my grandmother. They believed in an America where hard work paid off, and responsibility was rewarded, and anyone could make it if they tried. I got my moral compass from Rod Blagojevich.

My grandparent’s values gave rise to the largest middle class and the strongest economy that the world has ever known. Today, for most Americans, hard work has stopped paying off. Those at the very top grow wealthier from their investments.

We all know the story by now: bad mortgages, risky bets, regulators who looked the other way. And it plunged our economy into a crisis from which we’re still fighting to recover. This all took place long before I became president, sometime during the middle of Season Two of Mad Men.

And ever since, there’s been a raging debate over the best way to restore growth and prosperity. It’s left a near-constant state of gridlock in Washington, which ignored my campaign promise to be a transformative light-bringer who will end politics as usual.

But, Owatanassami, this is not just the defining issue of our time. This is a make-or-break moment for my reelection chances. Because what’s at stake is whether this will be a country where working people can earn enough to raise a family, build a modest savings, own a home, secure their retirement — or one where Goldman Sachs owns my slutty ass.

Now, in the midst of this debate, there are some who want to return to the same practices that got us into this mess. They want massive bailouts, slaps on the wrist for corrupt financial institutions, lobbyists visiting the White House to write bills. They want endless, expensive wars, treaties that ship jobs oversees. They want an ever-rising flood of corporate money influencing politics. These aren’t Democratic values or Republican values. We’re both in this scam together.

If you believe that this country succeeds when everyone gets a fair shot, when everyone does their fair share, when everyone plays by the same rules, then vote for me. I’m just as corrupt as my opponents, but I give better speeches.

You see, this isn’t the first time America has faced this choice. At the turn of the last century, Theodore Roosevelt praised the titans of industry and the free market. But he also busted up some monopolies. Now, for this, Roosevelt was called a socialist — (laughter) — And today, I’m called a socialist, even though I’m actually the lap dog of the titans of industry. The American people are starting to figure that out about me, which is why I’ve decided to be Teddy Roosevelt in the upcoming election.

Now, I know many of you thought I was Lincoln, or JFK, or Reagan, or maybe Jesus — (laughter) — I know some of you wish I’d be like LBJ this year — (applause) — But in 1910, Teddy Roosevelt came to Owatanassami and he talked about wages, unemployment insurance, and reforms in taxes and politics. I’m talking about these things here, too, which makes me Teddy Roosevelt.

Today, over 100 years later, our economy has gone through another transformation. It’s easy for businesses to set up shop and hire workers anywhere they want in the world. And many of you know firsthand the painful disruptions this has caused for a lot of Americans. Which is why I recently signed a free trade bill that will send over 500,000 jobs to South Korea, Venezuela, and Panama.

Factories where people thought they would retire suddenly picked up and went overseas. Which is why I circumvented regulations to give start-ups like Solyndra billions of dollars.

Now, just as in Teddy Roosevelt’s time, there is a certain crowd in Washington who say, let’s just cut more regulations and cut more taxes for the wealthy. Do you get it, now? I’m Teddy Roosevelt, and the Republicans are the bad guys. Maybe I should grow a bristly mustache and wear spectacles to drive home the point. I’m also the 99%. I’m not Jesus anymore. Just forget that whole 2008 Jesus thing.

Now it’s time to insert “rugged individualism” into a sentence. (Applause.)

Now it’s time to blame Bush. Remember the most expensive tax cuts for the wealthy in history? What did it get us? The slowest job growth in half a century. I’ll need at least another term or two to clean up that mess. You can’t expect me to fix everything during my first 100 days in office — that’d be Franklin Roosevelt, and I’m Teddy.

Now it’s time to blame Congress. The same folks who are now running Congress gave us weak regulation, insurance companies jacking up people’s premiums with impunity, mortgage lenders tricking families into buying homes they couldn’t afford, an irresponsible financial sector that nearly destroyed our entire economy. I’ve tried to stop all this, but Congress refuses to pass my jobs bill. (Applause.)

I’d like to mention how I killed Osama bin Laden with a bowie knife, but this is a speech about the economy.

Now, I’m going to talk for the next several minutes about how economic inequality is really bad and hurts us all. If I go on and on for about seven, eight, nine minutes about how bad economic inequality is and how it hurts us all, just keep repeating for nine whole minutes how really bad economic inequality is and how it hurts us all, sort of like Arlo Guthrie in Alice’s Restaurant, you just might, after nine minutes, completely forget that I’ve done nothing at all about economic inequality, and I have no real plan to do anything about economic inequality, except for my jobs bill, which Congress refuses to pass. (Applause.)

But this isn’t a speech about economic inequality. It’s about my reelection.

Now, America has a choice. It can back the Republicans, which is a race to the bottom, or it can back me, Teddy Roosevelt, which is a race to the top. Bottom:Top, get it? I’m top.

AUDIENCE: Top!

THE PRESIDENT: Now, I’m going to mention some hook phrases like: everyone getting a fair shot, middle class, working moms, so David Gergen can call me a populist. But I’m also going to say some vague things about embracing new technology, not punishing anyone for becoming wealthy, getting competitive, so independents won’t think I’m a populist.

Now, I’m going to list several reasons why America is the greatest nation on Earth. (Applause.) Americans have always been way better than other people, which is why we can win this race to the top. I’m top.

I should also mention I now support reducing college tuition and some sort of student debt fixing thingie. This has absolutely nothing to do with the recent Occupy protests on campuses. As I see all of you sitting here today at Owatanassami High, I realize I’ll need your votes for my 2016 re-reelection campaign. (Applause.)

We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. Historically, that hasn’t been a partisan idea. Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, did it, as did Dwight Eisenhower, a Republican and — like me — a proud son of Kansas and a chain smoker. (Applause.) Even though I’m Teddy Roosevelt, I’m also a little bit FDR and Ike, meaning I’m a little bit Democrat and a little bit Republican. So, if you’re an independent, you should vote for me.

Let me point to the many wonderful things I’ve already accomplished that are both Democratish and Republicanish:

1. To reduce our deficit, I’ve already signed nearly $1 trillion of spending cuts into law and I’ve proposed trillions more, including cuts to Medicare and Medicaid. (Applause.)

2. We need to extend my payroll tax cut that’s really a gutting of Social Security. It’s about to expire. (Applause.)

3. We have to rethink our tax system more fundamentally. That one you don’t get until my next term. (Laughter and applause.)

Now, independents loved Bill Clinton. If you remember, Republicans opposed Clinton when he tried to raise taxes on the rich. They predicted it would kill jobs and lead to another recession. Instead, our economy created nearly 23 million jobs and we eliminated the deficit. (Applause.) The only thing Bill Clinton ever did as president was raise taxes on the rich, and it created a booming economy. The only thing I’ve done so far for the economy — aside from my jobs bill, which Congress refuses to pass (applause) — is to raise taxes on the rich. OK, no, I didn’t actually raise taxes on the rich when I had the chance. But I’ve given speeches on raising taxes on the rich. Now, the Democrats suffered a terrible midterm defeat in 1994, but then America reelected Bill Clinton two years later. I suffered a terrible midterm defeat, but if I promise to raise taxes on the rich, will you reelect me, too?

Did I mention Warren Buffett agrees with me on the tax thing? (Laughter.) So do most Americans — Democrats, independents and Republicans. So most Americans should vote for me, Barack Clinton. Did I just say Clinton? I meant Kansas. Please don’t vote for any Clintons.

I really like the middle class, I do. (Applause.) I only rescued the big banks to protect the middle class from a second Depression. It had absolutely nothing to do with the millions of dollars the financial sector donated to my 2008 campaign. Part of the deal was we put in place new regulations for the financial sector. And you can all see how well that’s worked out.

But Republicans in Congress are fighting against any regulations on banks. Is there anybody here who thinks Republicans really like the middle class?

AUDIENCE: No!

THE PRESIDENT: Of course not. But I’m Teddy Roosevelt; I’m Kansas, which is a state in the MIDDLE and I promise to fight for the MIDDLE class in my second term, to fight against Republicans who hate the middle class, and to use my BIG STICK to force Congress to pass my jobs bill.

And that’s my promise. Americans need to remember that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

“We are all Americans,” Teddy Roosevelt said that day in 1910, “we shall go bottom or top together.” I’m Teddy Roosevelt. I’m Kansas. I’m the middle. I’m top. So, judge me not on my record these past four years, but on my speeches, Owatanassami!

(Note: True Liberal Nexus has acquired the unabridged version of this speech. Sections deleted from the version released by the White House appear in italics.)

For years, the government has spent more money than it takes in. The result is a lot of debt on our nation’s credit card – debt that unless we act will weaken our economy, cause higher interest rates for families, and force us to scale back things like education and Medicare.

Now, folks in Washington like to blame one another for this problem. But the truth is, neither party is blameless.

Democrats, like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, are just much to blame as Republicans like John Boener and myself.

And both parties have a responsibility to do something about it.

Every day, families are figuring out how stretch their paychecks – struggling to cut what they can’t afford so they can pay for what’s really important. It’s time for Washington to do the same thing.

Because, just like a family, the government has no way to raise extra cash by selling bonds, printing money, or simply raising the debt ceiling every few months.

But for that to happen, it means that Democrats and Republicans have to work together to do what’s right for the country. Everyone is going to have to be willing to compromise. That’s why we need a balanced approach to cutting the deficit.

And by balanced, I mean making all the cuts the Right insists on, without any of the revenue proposals from the Left.

We need an approach that goes after waste in the budget and gets rid of pet projects that cost billions of dollars.

Like my wars. Except we’re not touching any of those.

We need an approach that makes some serious cuts to worthy programs – cuts I wouldn’t make under normal circumstances

— unless I had this debt limit crisis as a smoke screen.

And we need an approach that asks everybody to do their part.

Everyone except the wealthiest 2% of the population. They’re better than the rest of you, and shouldn’t be imposed upon to give up a penny more of their well-deserved fortunes.

So that means, yes, we have to make serious budget cuts; but that it’s not right to ask middle class families to pay more for college before we ask the biggest corporations to pay their fair share of taxes.

Which is why the proposal includes a lowering of the top corporate tax bracket.

It means that before we stop funding clean energy, we should ask oil companies and corporate jet owners to give up the tax breaks that other companies don’t get.

Don’t get me wrong, we will be killing clean energy funding. But that jet thing alone will cover a whopping .075 % of the deficit reductions.

Before we cut medical research, we should ask hedge fund managers to stop paying taxes at a lower rate than their secretaries. Before we ask seniors to pay more for Medicare, we should ask the wealthiest taxpayers to give up tax breaks we simply cannot afford under these circumstances.

This assumes that the Republican-dominated congress will allow those tax breaks to expire next year, but I’m going to get the ball rolling by cutting Medicare today. There’s also a clause that ensures that Social Security, even though it’s self-funding, will be gutted as well.

That’s the heart of this approach: serious cuts, balanced by some new revenues.

To be specific, 74% cuts balanced equally by 26% revenues.

And it’s been the position of every Democratic and Republican leader who has worked to reduce the deficit, from Bill Clinton to Ronald Reagan.

Following in the footsteps of those two presidents, I intend on standing firm and giving my opponents every single thing they demand.

In fact, earlier this week, one of the most conservative members of the Senate, Tom Coburn, announced his support for a balanced, bipartisan plan that shows promise.

That’s no surprise, considering that plan is a conservative’s wet dream co-authored by Coburn.

And then a funny thing happened. He received a round of applause – from a group of Republican and Democratic senators.

A group known as the “Gang of Six”, the other co-authors of that plan.

That’s a rare event in Washington.

See, I told you my mojo would transform politics.

So there will be plenty of haggling over the details in the days ahead.

But don’t worry — anyone who opposes my plan will be labeled a racist.

But this debate boils down to a simple choice. We can come together for the good of the country and reach a compromise; we can strengthen our economy and leave for our children a more secure future.

Or we can sell our country down the river, complete the destruction of our economy, leave our seniors out in the cold, and ruin the future for our children.

Well, we know the right thing to do. And we know what the American people expect us to do.

But the corporate donors to our re-election campaigns expect us to do the opposite. And they’re the ones running the show, not you sorry dupes.

I’m happy to report that I’ve finally found a solution to the jobs crisis — I’m blaming it on Congress.

You see, while I’m ready to roll up my sleeves over the next several weeks and next several months, Congress is lollygagging. This is so frustrating! I’ve urged Congress not to wait, but to act right now on some brilliant proposals of mine:

Invest in rebuilding our roads and our bridges and our railways and our infrastructure. (I came up with this one);

Streamline our patent process. Widgets & wangdoodles would already be pouring out of American factories, if Congress would only vote on the patent bill sitting there right now;

Advance trade agreements that will help businesses sell more American-made goods and services to Asia and South America. Congress could do that today. That could be done right now.

There are all sorts of bills and trade agreements before Congress right now that could get all these ideas moving. All of them have bipartisan support. All of them could pass immediately. And I urge Congress not to wait.

It’s really not fair that Congress’ inaction is forcing me to work on this, because I’ve already done so much. In December, I boosted the economy by signing a tax cut that put a thousand dollars in the pockets of American families, which is nothing to sneeze at when you’ve been out of work for over a year.

A lot of middle-class families sure would feel more secure if they knew that tax cut will still be around next year. That’s a change that we could make right now, by making cuts to Social Security. But Congress is too lazy.

I admit, it’s not entirely Congress’ fault that our economy sucks so bad. There are many other things I can blame, from natural disasters and spikes in gas prices, to state and local budget cuts. And those Greeks and Europeans had to go and ruin everything by giving investors the jitters.

These economic challenges weren’t created overnight — they’re W’s fault. So don’t expect me to solve them overnight — I’ll need another four years at the least.

I get letters from folks hit hard by this economy. Some of them pour their guts out in these letters. They feel that leaders in Washington have let them down. To them, I say: yes, Congress has let you down.

You can see how I’m busting my butt. But I can only concentrate on one thing at a time, and we can’t solve the jobs crisis until we solve the debt ceiling crisis first. To put our economy on a sounder footing, we’ve got to rein in our deficits and get the government to live within its means, while still making the investments to make us more competitive in the future. I’ve urged Congress to quickly move in both these contradictory directions, but they refuse to budge.

Still, we’ve had some good meetings with Congress. We had a good meeting yesterday, and we’re gonna meet again today. We’re gonna work through the weekend to solve this crisis with as many meetings as it takes.

Once the markets know that we have a serious plan to deal with our debt and deficit, they’ll start investing to grow and hire. That’ll provide more confidence to the rest of the world as well, so that they are committed to investing in America. And then — Presto! — the economy will be fixed, and I can go back to my real job, running for re-election.

Can’t come up with a costume idea this Halloween? The candidates of the Tea Party movement have some fine suggestions.

“I’m not a witch”, insists Chrissie O’Donnell, “but I like to dress up as one.” Chrissie favors the standard “black gown, pointed hat” look, and “one of those satanic symbols around your neck.” O’Donnell does caution parents not to let their young enchantresses sit on brooms, as “something long and hard between their thighs might lead to sinning instead of trick-or-treating!”

Parents making the rounds with their children should consider a joint costume, suggests Sharon Angle. “A dad escorting his teenage daughter, for example, could go as Uncle Warren [convicted child molester and fundamentalist mormon leader Warren Jeffs] and one of his plural wives.” As an added touch, Angle says stuff a pillow up the daughter’s prairie dress to simulate “a blessing.”

Joe Miller thinks everyone should go as Charlie Brown. “The days of government hand-outs are over. From now on if you come begging, you’re getting a rock!”

Meg Whitman likes going as Miss Piggy. As a billionaire, Meggers could buy any costume in the world, but “I wear a peach skirt-suit with pearls most days, so why change? Also, the porcine muppet fits her personality. “As I like so say,” Meg quips, “it’s not easy being green when you offshore production to Chinese factories!” Whitman adds that she learned a pretty good ‘oink-oink’ while chowing at the trough with her fellow Goldman-Sachs board members. But what about costume suggestions for other people? “Like I give a damn about other people,” Whitman replies.

Ilario Pantano warns trick-or-treaters not to approach his house. The “Trespassers Will be Shot on Sight” sign in his front lawn is “no joke,” emphasizes Pantano.

Michele Bachmann swears by the traditional ghost. “My good friend, Tony Perkins, does wonders with a simple white sheet,” exclaims Bachmann. “All the darkies are scared to death when Tony and his klan roam their neighborhood at night!”

Marc Rubio enjoys wearing a costume and entertaining trick-or-treaters. “I get done up like one of those SWAT guys who nabbed Elian Gonzalez,” says Cuban-American Rubio. “A tyke’ll come to the door and shout, ‘trick-or-treat’ and I’ll grab him by the shirt, stuff the muzzle of my toy M-16 in his face and scream, ‘we’re sending you to back to Castro and atheism!’ They usually cry, but then I say, “Hey kid, it’s a joke! Forget about your mom; you can stay in America and eat candy.”

Rand Paul wonders why no one dresses up any more as one of his personal heroes. “Strom Thurmond understood that the government didn’t have the right to force businesses to serve black people. More young Americans should honor his legacy, as I do.”

Why not revive an old costume gathering dust in the closet, asks Rich Iott? “Most Americans have a military reenactment uniform laying around,” notes Iott, who for years dressed up as a Stürmbahnführer of the 5th SS “Wiking” Division. For those who don’t, Iott suggests contacting your local gun club or Aryan Brotherhood chapter. “Attention to detail is important,” insists Iott, who, while admitting he built his Panzerfaust out of stove pipe, boasts that his Walther PPK sidearm “is an authentic ‘Wiking’ piece used to shoot Russian peasants in the head.”

Whatever you go as this Halloween, if you follow the Tea Party’s advice, it’s guaranteed to be SCARY!