The Texas Chainsaw Self-Massacre: the Conclusions

In November 2011, Rick Perry’s presidential candidacy was admitted to the hospital in a critical condition, and diagnosed with an acute deficiency of reasons to exist. On January 19, 2012, the Texas governor euthanized his dream, disconnecting it from the artificial hype support. Perry’s insider sources indicate he will run again, using entirely new tactics: waiting until the presently living generations die out, and destroying all digital data devices.

In the candidate’s headquarters, however, it was almost a celebration. For a good few months, everyone knew the day was coming when Perry stops trying to scotch-tape the Texas-sized hole in his Titanic, and vanishes from the screen to never be the top news again. The staff had long ago absorbed the pain of suddenly losing the highly promising effort; many were looking forward to end their Sisyphean toil.

It was different on that cursed November day when Perry showed up in his campaign headquarters after the heart-wrenching “Oops” in Michigan. His dead-inside staff simply ignored him then, behaving like Perry wasn’t there; the governor wandered through the building, futilely extending his arm for a handshake and fruitlessly seeking eye contact. “Thanks for f*cking it up for us, Rick” said a farewell note left by a resigned staffer. The staffer had refused a high-pay job offer in hope of some day working in the White House.

Before that, Perry was undermined by Michele Bachmann on the HPV vaccination. The only mandatory vaccinations conservatives approve are vaccinations against homosexuality and atheism.

His only glorious moment came early, when a debate moderator announced the number of inmates executed under Governor Perry – 234. “We expected to be booed”, admitted a Perry aide, “if only because high number of executions implied high number of crimes. When the applause came, we thought it was sarcastic. Later on, our campaign sinking, we sought to expeditiously execute 10,000 inmates, as a desperate last-ditch effort to win the hearts of Christian voters. Even asked Hamid Karzai to ship Taliban prisoners to Texas.”

The only noticeable result of Perry’s campaign is that he’s framed God by reinforcing the old association of religion with stupidity. It’s people like Perry, Bachmann, and Palin who are responsible for the belief that a person’s intelligence is inversely proportionate to the number of God references he/she makes. “Concentrating on breaking the Third Commandment” was in fact an early motto of Perry’s campaign.

It all began when Perry saw a burning bush in the desert and heard the voice of God. Cynics say the burning bush story happened when he dropped a cigarette down his crotch on the toilet. Fortunately, Perry’s parallels with Moses ended before reaching the trashing-the-firstborns stage.

He led televised mass prayers; used his governor office for issuing a Proclamation for Days of Prayer for Rain; waged jihad against ‘Obama’s war on religion’. He even drew protests from Taliban for injecting too much religion into politics. Now a group of Christians filed a complaint accusing Perry of creating negative stereotypes of the faithful.