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First of all I suggest you do a hell of a lot more reading on this forum as you will quickly get an idea of where a lot of us are coming from in this lifestyle. It isn't a "secret" at all unless we chose that. You make it sound like some kind of cult... it isn't, poly is an alternative to mainstream societies view on what it means to love another, create partnerships with one another. It can also can be looked at in terms of what it means to be in a family. As for unicorns and triads and other definitions that we use to describe rather than box in will be understood, once you have done some reading.

To the issue at hand... I assume that in writing your story you want our opinions. A word of warning, I am totally not okay with your situation on so many levels, so much so that it makes me shake. Please realize that this is my opinion after many years in this life style and having experienced a lot in my life. I don't think I know everything and I certainly don't think my opinion can not be changed, I just say it like I see it and people can take it or leave it.

First of all, your friend is cheating and that to me, controlling man or not, is not okay. It deteriates the relationship she has with her husband, her kids, with herself, with you and any possibly any future people that become close to her. If he is indeed controlling then perhaps she is already sending the wrong message to her children that it is okay that she (or any others) be treated like that and that it is okay for others to treat them like that. The fact that she gives BJ's as a way of gaining closeness to her husband and now your husband, frankly, disturbs the hell out of me. It harks of a woman that has been abused and thinks she can only find affection in people who she gives of herself sexually. That is a whole other topic but brings me to the point that you two may be continuing her on that path.

It sounds to me like she is trying to get out of her marriage and in doing so has latched onto the two of you as a means to do that instead of standing up for herself and doing the work for herself... a far more easy route in the beginning but filled with harder work in the future. As now she not only has you two to deal with, and oh there will be issues, but an ex in the future that is not going to be happy he doesn't get his BJ's anymore for free, that he was cheated on, doesn't have control over her and because she is in a relationship with the two of you. She could very well lose her daughter over this situation she is in.

Now lets get to the daughter. This woman owes it to her to take control of her life and stand up for herself. She needs to show her daughter and all her kids (not to mention herself) that she will not stand to be treated the way she has by their dad and that she was wrong in her approach at dealing with it thus far by thinking she could get out of her situation by cheating.

She needs to get a back bone and stand on her own two feet. How will she do this? .... tell her husband that she will not be treated disrespectfully any more (if I were her, if she wants any integrity left with him and possible safety, NOT tell him about you or her affair with you), leave her home, get an apartment, get a job, if she doesn't already have one, stay away from the two of you in a romantic sense, enforce some very strict boundaries on her husband around his being in her life so he can be in his daughters and then live her life separately... all this while dealing with the damage she may have had to her self esteem, her sense of self worth as a person and as a sexual person.

What do you need to do? Get your head out of the sand (out of your NRE) and think about this woman and her daughter from a different point of view. She is not someone to be obtained or shaped into a play thing that you want. She will do that and will say that is okay because she desperately wants to be loved and taken care of by decent people. It sounds like you are decent people, so act so. She wants rescuing. You are not rescuers. You have your own relationship and lives to deal with. All that I see you doing is to stop having sex with her, help her find a place, encourage her to take control of her life, hold her when she cries, feed her and her daughter when she has no money, be there for her daughter if she needs a listening ear (keeping a distance emotionally as the last thing you want is to break her heart by establishing a bond that may be broken later), listen with an un-bias opinion to her stories of how much of an ass her husband is being and wait, patiently.... but WAIT!

In the mean time, educate yourself on battered women, and poly and take a long hard look at what fits in your life and who fits. Make a list of the kind of people you see yourself as and a list of the kind of person you would like to have be an EQUAL as you put it, because it sounds like she isn't and might never be.

People involved in successful poly relationships have a certain level of integrity, respect for others and themselves, self esteem, confidence, way of balancing the concerns/needs of others with the needs and concerns of their own. None of you, from what you have written are looking at what you are creating in terms of whether or not it is good for the others involved. You are simply using each other. Very dangerous and destructive and if you continue down that path then I predict it exploding in your faces and you will all be damaged.... especially her 10 year old... and that is completely unfair and irresponsible.

Much of what RedPepper says on these forums grates wth me - which is to say, I appreciate and respect everything she posts, and largely agree, but there's something in our POV's that is just different enough that her presentation always rankles me, lol. I say that to qualify the fact that in this instance, I am just about 100% behind her post.

Look - what you have is an amazing opportunity - IF IT'S REAL. And it CAN be if the feelings are there, lasting, and real. But there are SO many red flags here... So many things that scream "deal with me first or this goes up in flames"... And as easy and tempting as it is to jump in and work it through on the fly as it were - DON'T.

Violet and I have been down a similar road twice. Both have worked out well (one is now a lifelong friend with whom the relationship never quite happened, the other we are in the begining stages of a very wonderful relationship), but both required a LOT of work. I literally haven't had a full nights sleep in over 6 weeks. And that's not innuendo, that's hours and hours of talking things through and working things out and evaluating and WORKING at it, EVERY DAY, almost every spare minute it seems and it's exhausting. But we keep our eyes on teh ball, enjoy the unbelievably wonderful good times that are there in between and more often all the time, and look forward to when we have it all straightened out and are enjoying a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with "normal" issues to work through. We're almost there.

PLEASE be willing to put forth the effort. It will be worth it in the end, whatever the result.

Much of what RedPepper says on these forums grates wth me - which is to say, I appreciate and respect everything she posts, and largely agree, but there's something in our POV's that is just different enough that her presentation always rankles me, lol.

Why do you think I called myself "redpepper!" grrrrr... I'm a hot and spicy redhead, what can I say.... it has it's benefits in certain areas of my life teeheeeee.....

Because I had a long term affair with someone I dearly loved instead of dealing with the issues in my marriage and the result was 2 abortions (with a lot of regret because to me that is murder), destruction of trust in MYSELF, respect of MYSELF, dragging out problems that could (and should) have been solved YEARS ago.

Here I am today-still in love with my husband and still in love with the other man finding out that my husband loves me enough to try a poly life AND finding out he likes the idea and experience (still hard moments yes way too new to get away from THAT being a daily trial) and learning that we are even MORE compatible than we thought.
BUT now we have the baggage of hurt feelings, lost trust and pain that we must heal together (two of us, other two of us, two of them and three of us) and THAT is hard work we could have avoided if we had heeded RP's advice to you (of course we didn't have it then-but YOU DO).

Love her and her children-by that I mean

LOVE them enough to be sure they are HEALED FIRST from the painful abusive relationship they are in.

LOVE them enough to allow them time to rebuild themselves into FULL and COMPLETE women capable of making TRUE decisions for themselves.

LOVE them enough to be the friend that COULD become a REAL lover because they took time to respect the clean up process FIRST.

I would never say it's impossible you "belong" together. But that can't be decided FOR SURE unless that woman is given the freedom to be FREE from abuse and the NEED for a "safe haven". When she has her own safe haven and can choose to keep her own or share it with another-THEN you can say if it's "meant to be".

I like to say love is a VERB not a noun. People use it as a noun all the time (annoys the piss out of me).
Saying "I love you" like it's a thing.

But love is an ACTION WORD-a verb and that means acting in a LOVING manner-and most often loving someone means giving them freedom to take care of their needs BEFORE you get to find out about them fulfilling ANY of your needs...

Good luck!!!! It sounds like both the mother and the daughter desperately need some real friends to support them, please take time to be that.

I think it would be nice if we all had nurturing environments and stable upbringings and had the support structures in place to make us strong. I try to work toward that goal. But a lot of us have to make do with the best ingredients we can find at the time. I really think that life is too short to wait until you become some sort of paragon before you begin to enjoy the skin you're in.

From the story so far, I get the same sense of dread: there will be a very messy ending. I have no doubt that there will be decisions made along the way that will be looked back on with a "if I'd known then what I know now," but the nauture of life is such that all you know now is all you know now.

So, sparklypleasures, thanks for caring enough to come here to seek out advice. Please take all of our well-intended advice and weigh it all against what your own heart and the hearts of those involved guide you to do. Please strive for as much open and honest communication as makes sense to your situation as soon and as frequently as possible. Please don't get too discouraged along the way, there are huge challenges along the way, but what I've seen in life leads me to believe the destination is well worth getting to.