August 1, 2007

Franklin Veaux interview

Polyamory Weekly

I haven't said much here about Polyamory Weekly, but that's an oversight. This always-interesting podcast has been running for more than two years now, with 117 shows in the online archive. They're hosted by a smart, sexy, very articulate announcer who uses the name cunningminx. She has interviewed many noteworthies in the poly community and provides reports on events, commentaries on poly in the media, listener mail, observations on the poly-kink crossover, and lots of relationship talk. Shows range from about 20 to 50 minutes long. Each, she says, gets about 2,500 downloads.

She recently put up two shows not to miss: episodes #116 and #117, a two-part interview with Franklin Veaux, aka tacit. Among other things, Veaux is the creator of a rich and wise poly information and advice site that has become, in many people's opinions, the best all-around guidebook we have for understanding polyamory and doing it well. In fact he's currently working on a real book, which he discusses in the interview.

Some snippets:

Love does not conquer all, because love is an emotional state. An emotion by itself is not a plan of action. An emotion is not a toolkit for building relationships. An emotion isn't even really a good foundation. The things that you can build with it  those require things other than just love.

You don't normally think, when you're thinking in terms outside of relationships, of solving problems with an emotion. You wouldn't use love to try to solve your financial problems. You wouldn't use love to try to solve your business problems. So, why would you use love to try to solve your relationship problems?

Love is a necessary component to a romantic relationship. But the other necessary components are the things that actually make it work, in a practical sense, on a day-to-day basis. Things like being able to talk to your partner. Being able to share with your partner. Being able to to solve problems. Being able to work together. Love gives you the impetus to want to build those things. But love is not those things.

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A lot of people will say that Rule #1 in polyamory is communication. But there is a prerequisite to communication, and that is knowing what it is that you need. Because you can't ask for what you need if you don't know what it is.

And then being able to ask for it. If you don't ask for what you want, you can't reasonably expect to get what you want.

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Life rewards people who move in the direction of greatest courage.

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(About the book:) The approach I'm taking is a practical approach of, these are tools that you can use to make relationships work. I've read a lot of books on polyamory, books that cover dealing with jealousy, that cover sexual issues, negotiating sexual partnerships, New Age aspects of polyamory  what I'm trying to do is a little different: to provide a toolkit for managing multiple relationships. This is how you get to be good at communicating. These are tools you can use to learn how to express your needs. Tools to help overcome ideas you have that new partners of your partner might feel threatening.

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I am cynical about many things. I am not cynical about love.

I am cynical about NRE. I'm not a fan of new-relationship energy, because for me, it keeps you from learning who the other person actually is. And the part that I like about relationship is the part when you get past all the NRE, past all the butterflies in your stomach and your hands are sweaty and you've got the jitters That part is fun. But that's not where the good stuff is in a relationship to me. Once you get past that, then you get the part when you actually start building a life with the other person. And that's fucking cool.

Definitely worth a listen.

(And you don't need an iPod or other MP3 player to listen to podcasts; any computer will do.)