Friday, March 31, 2006

Top Entries10. Cheech and Chong: Up in Arms - Damian G9. Me, off camera: "Shut the f*ck up and get back to class." - RFTR8. The irony is these kids cut school on the day their history class started learning about the US-Mexican war. - Renee7. guy in black shirt is thinking..."I'm holding this sign but i can't read it, it's in english." - Sssteve6. Protestors in Chihuahua, Mexico protest the protestors in the United States. - fmragtops5. Thanks for coming out and protesting the evil racist empire that is America. Now get off my block, whitey. = The man4. "Education? We don't need no stinkin' education!" - Wyatt Earp3. Deport Pedro! - Mac2. "No tacos for oil." - Maggie1. All your borders are belong to us! - Mr. Right

The Democrats have been slaughtered at the polls on the question of National Security ever since Jimmy Carter slithered into the White House. The poor guys finally decided it was time to develop a spine and come up with a plan, and Nancy Pelosi holds up their "Real Security" plan upside down at their media photo-op. Doh!

Irony called, he wants his sign back.

But wait...who is that lurking in the background? Karl Rove! That bastard was behind this all along. As they say in Guinness commercials, 'Brilliant'!

In January I awarded the first set of "Rotten Apples". These are awarded to eating establishments around New York city who went beyond the call of duty in providing nasty violations on their health inspections. In a city with thousands of great restaurants, these do their best to be the worst.

The cleanest restaurants are awarded a Golden Apple and are not fun to post about. The ones listed below are what we call Rotten Apples.

LA BRASA RESTAURAUNT - 3880 Broadway - (98, 17 violations)-No facility available to wash, rinse, and sanitize utensils and/or equipment not provided.-Evidence of flying insects or live flying insects present in facility's food and/or non-food areas.-Garbage receptacles not provided or inadequate. Garbage storage area not properly constructed or maintained; grinder or compactor dirty.-Hand washing facility not provided in or near food preparation area and toilet room. Hot and cold running water at adequate pressure not provided at facility. Soap and an acceptable hand-drying device not provided.

At what point is it ok to leave someone you love? Well if the person you "love" tortured your brother, killed your husband, and then faked his own death all in one day just to get away from you...then I'd say he's nothing but bad news and needs to be kicked to the curb. Audrey, remember what I said in my book, Relationship Rescue: "Awareness without action is worthless". Kick the Jack Habit and get on with your life!

I see this everyday on my show. These women who refuse to leave the "bad boy" and end up getting hurt emotionally, mentally, or physically; sometimes all three. It appears that Jack Bauer tends to give the "Triple Crown" to you and all the women he comes in contact with. Jack's anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.

I also hear that Jack found another woman after he faked his death. He also accused you of being a mole, choked you, and had you tortured? But that's not all, he almost cut out the eyeball of a man you cared about. In my book, Love Smart : Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got, I talk about "warning signs", well Ms. Raines, Jack has just given you a "warning infomercial".

Audrey, there are just too many fish in the sea to be stuck with a flounder. Even with your penis-nose, a good guy is just around the corner. Just make sure to first check that corner for Jack Bauer in a Flank 2 position.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Less than a month ago, I sarcastically awarded a "dumbass of the week" award to Eliot Spitzer's running mate Sen. David Paterson (D - Harlem). He was honored with that title for trying, unsuccessfully to pass a law that would criminalize police officers who used deadly force. Apparently I acted too soon, he should be awarded "dumbass of the month".

Paterson introduced a bill in 1988 that would legalize using force against police officers trying to make an arrest. For those of you in Alabama, that means he wanted to make it okay to kick the crap out of a cop trying to arrest you.

The bill failed in the Republican-controlled state Senate in 1988. Paterson reintroduced the bill again in 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2001. He tried for 14 straight years to pass this absurd legislation. Each time, a Republican-controlled state Senate sent the bill down in flames. Now this dumbass is the running mate for Democratic front runner, Eliot Spitzer in the race for Governor of New York.

David Paterson has no problem displaying his hatred toward our police officers and support for criminals. Will the Police unions throw their support to the Spitzer-Dumbass ticket? That would akin to helping the hand that's trying to stab you in the back.

Therefore, I endorse Thomas Suozzi as the Democratic candidate for Governor of New York. He may be a Democrat, but at least he's not a Democrat with David Paterson as a running mate.

After taking a little R&R, Death returned to 24 this week. And she returned with a vengeance that would make even Chuck Norris blush.When all the shooting died down; we had 12 new additions to the Jack Bauer Kill Counter. Not included on our list, but no less important was a young, brave fire extinguisher who took a bullet for Jack Bauer. Like many other fire extinguishers that were shot in TV shows and video games before him, Model #FH223M shot out a stream of gas for added effect.Click Here for the updated kill counter.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Bush Deraignment Syndrome has been outsourced to India. A cartoon of President Bush as Lord Shiva has outraged Hindus, causing them to take to the streets to protest none other than President Bush. Well that makes sense.

Not to be out-outraged, Muslims are upset that Denmark had nothing to do with this cartoon. Democrats are not sure who to support on this matter, both JohnKerry.com and Friends for Hillary are planning to send out a fund-raising emails on the subject.

Outraged at the depiction of US President George W Bush as Lord Shiva in a cartoon, members of Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) — Raj Thackeray’s new party — decided to burn effigies of the president yesterday. (Source - MidDay)

Now President Bush is being blamed for cartoons of him as Lord Shiva? Hell, I give up.

WABC has a great 6-8pm weekday radio host, Mark Levin. His on-air debates with liberals often end with someone's mother being called a name. He gets so worked up, that sometimes he ends up attacking a caller who is agreeing with him. Enter Alec Baldwin.

Alec Baldwin will, most likely, never appear on his show after Levin called him a "butt-boy" with a "two-digit IQ". Baldwin was on Brian Whitman's radio show when Sean Hannity and Mark Levin called up. What transpired was an instant classic.

HANNITY: Once and for all you need to be challenged. You want to call our vice president a terrorist - fine. You want to talk about stoning people to death, say it on my program. If you want to be irresponsible and call our president a mass murderer while he's at war leading troops in harm's way ...BALDWIN: And what are you gonna do about it, Sean Hannity?HANNITY: You don't have the courage to answer questions.BALDWIN: And what are you gonna do? And what are you going to do about it, Sean Hannity. If I come on your program, what are you going to do?LEVIN: He's going to show that you have a two digit IQ - that's what he's gonna do.BALWIN: What are you going to do?LEVIN: I just told you - you've got a two digit IQ.BALDWIN: And who's that - who's your little cabin boy there with you.LEVIN: I'm not a cabin boy, butt-boy.

Tough-guy Baldwin then offered a lame insult to Hannity and walked out of the set.

AMNY is hosting a poll asking if, after 35 years in Congress, it is time for Charlie Rangel to retire. "Yes" is the first word that comes to mind. Click Here to vote.

Surprisingly enough, the AMNY piece is not a fluff piece we have come to expect from this Newsday produced daily paper. Along with an interview, the paper also includes a story on Rangel's willingness to accept money from Big Tobacco". In fact, Rangel leads all other New York Congress members in money accepted from the tobacco companies since 1999. The paper fails to mention Rangel's willingness to accept money from Indian tribes as well.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Top Entries10. Say Ben, you think you can get Ted Kennedy to fly your kite in a Thunderstorm and hold on to the key on the kite string? Do you think he'll even feel the lightning bolt? - PCD9."Good lord, Ben. I knew old people's farts smell bad, but WOW!" - GOP and College8. Bush: So tell me. What was Helen Thomas like as a teenager Ben?Franklin: Loose as a goose. - The ManFranklin: I don't know...ask my Grandpa - Cowboy Blob7. Bush: "I was thinking of putting together a conservative ice cream company. How does Ben and Georgie's grab ya?" - Wyatt Earp6. Franklin: You mean the British are helping you in a war? Watch your back George. - fmragtops5. Unfortunately, Mssrs. Bush and Franklin did not make it to the final round of American Historical Idol with their duet of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." - Damian G4. "Seems to me Richard wouldn't a been so poor with more tax breaks." - Rodney Dill3. "You know, Mr. Bush, George Washington got in trouble for 'wire tapping' back during the Revolution. Except back then we just hid a midget with a notebook in a bale of hay."- Mac2. CB's Flash Animation - Cowboy Blob1. (tie) Franklin and Bush were eliminated from Final Jeopardy when they couldn't answer "He was France's greatest war hero." - Wyatt Earp1. (tie) Wyatt: Who is Hitler? - RFTR

Thursday, March 23, 2006

A group of "peace activists" were rescued in a daring raid by coalition forces after four months in captivity. Harmeet Singh Sooden, Jim Loney and Norman Kember were members of Christian Peacemaker Teams and who were saved from certain death, without firing a shot. The body of a fellow activitst, Tom Fox, was found outside Baghdad earlier in March.

“Our hearts are filled with joy today as we heard that Harmeet Singh Sooden, Jim Loney and Norman Kember have been safely released in Baghdad...We believe that the illegal occupation of Iraq by Multinational Forces is the root cause of the insecurity which led to this kidnapping and so much pain and suffering in Iraq. The occupation must end. "

No "thank you" or even a "thanks" to the United States and its brave soldiers. I have a real problem with this and I assume our President does as well. Here's my open letter to my pal, George W. Bush.

Dear Dubya,

I am writing to complain about the horrible waste of military resources that took place in Iraq. Our men and women are there to bring freedom to the Iraqi people and have their hands full. Therefore, I think placing a group of these brave souls in harms way to rescue Harmeet Singh Sooden, Jim Loney and Norman Kember, was a terrible waste of military resources.

Therefore, I suggest that Harmeet Singh Sooden, Jim Loney and Norman Kember, be returned to their state of captivity with the Islamic Asshats Society or another similar group. This may sound like we would be putting our soldiers back in harm's way, but I am sure if you ask...you may find some willing volunteers amongst the troops who would love to drop these ungrateful slimebags back into the terrorists hands.

Since the troops will not get a nice word from these ungrateful jerks, I would like to say "Thank you" myself.

A frantic 9-1-1 call came in reporting a possible sniper. The man supposedly was wearing camo and had a rifle with a laser or telescopic gun sight. Everyone panic!

Mayor Bob O'Connor, donned a bulletproof vest called the man a "presumed sniper." Roads were closed, people were kept inside, busses were rerouted for two hours as CTU...I mean SWAT was called in.

After all that, it turned out to be a guy who brought a pellet gun to work to shoot pigeons.

How would Jack Bauer handle this situation? I am not sure, but it would take 24 hours and a squirrel in the park would end up being tortured after it was discovered that it was a mole. Oh, and 239 people would die in various ways.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

You might recall my "drug" addiction following Season 2. Can you seriously blame me? I had a retarded daughter, a dead wife, and I just had the worst day of my life...again. In those dark months, I told people that I was hooked on "heroin" as an excuse for my behavior, meanwhile the real drug I was abusing came in a little green box, you know them as Thin Mints. CTU needs to act now and take out the street peddlers and their organization. You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to get this junk off the street.

Frozen, melted, just out of the box. These minty cookies come to you in boxes that display youthfulness and joy, but they only bring pain. Now I intend to deliver a box of pain to the group behind Thin Mints.

Just put me in the room with the leader of this outfit and I'll make sure that when I'm finished with them, they are gonna wish they ever felt that good again. You probably don't think that I can force a towel down their little throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto one little bit at the end. When their stomach starts to digest it, I'll pull it out. Taking their stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful.

There are things in this world which are out of our control. Sometimes we like to blame ourselves for them so we can try to make sense out of them. The group behind these Thin Mints can...and will be brought down. We are running out of time and I need a hacksaw.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

WASHINGTON - After being surprised by her husband's role in the Dubai ports deal, Sen. Hillary Clinton has insisted that Bill Clinton give her "final say" over what he says and does, well-placed sources said.

They don't mention if she has the final say on who he does. You can read the rest of the article here.

Some people think 24 is too violent. I have no idea what those people are smoking. Last night, zero people died during the show. Sure a car ran off the road and a memory stick self-destructed, but that was it. But the Jack Bauer Kill Counter is never idle. My estimate of 7 people killed in the Tex-Mex nerve gas attack on CTU was a bit off. Chiggy and Homeland Security put the number at 56 CTU employees died. I assume they counted Tony in that number, since he's dead. After adding in the zero kills from last night and the revised kill total from the attack, the Kill Counter went into triple digits.

Friday, March 17, 2006

9. Bush is given a pot of clover and load of Blarney. In return, the Irish PM wants a HUGE pot of American Gold. - PCD8. Hey Dubya, Bill said if you smoke this stuff, even Hillary looks good!! Now that is some good sheet!! -Sssteve7. "Ye can't have me lucky charms, so I've brought ye shamrocks instead." - RFTR6. Laura, break out the oil and vinegarette! It's Salad Time! - Cowboy Blob5. Heh. I just beat up a hippy with a Hillary shirt on and got all of this!!! - jimmyb4. Hey, don't worry about it. As long as you don't inhale it will be ok. Just ask Bill if you don't believe me - BC3. "Quick, George! You hide the stash, and I'll get sh*t-faced!" - Damian G2. "I've brought you a shrubbery." - Rodney Dill1. Bush and Bertie laugh over Ted Kennedy's birthday present: the grassy knoll. - Wyatt Earp

Photoshop EntriesPresident Bush announced today, that US Ports will now be run by an Irish company.-The Man

You've got a dog named Barney...I've got a Leprechaun named Blarney. You're supposed to kiss his "stones" for luck. It's an Irish tradition...really!-Cowboy Blob

10. Glenn Reynolds killed Edgar. You Bastard!9. Glenn Reynolds linked to GOP and the City and the host of Press Your Luck died. Coincidence?8. Ace got to the final 12 of American Idol just by reading posts off Instapundit.7. Chuck Norris wore Jack Bauer pajamas until Glenn Reynolds made fun of him. To his face.6. Glenn Reynolds knows what "git-r-done" means.5. Glenn Reynolds has yet to link to Blogs4bauer, which means only one thing: he's scared of Jack Bauer.4. Glenn Reynolds occasionally lets Michelle Malkin surpass him in the TTLB Ecosystem only because he digs Asian chicks.3. Glenn Reynolds just dropped $4.5 billion on Knight-Ridder thinking he was buying a talking car.2. "Glenn Reynolds" is a verb. An action verb.1. Glenn Reynolds just put $500 dollars on The University of Tennessee to win the NCAA Tournament. Glenn is about to lose $500 dollars.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Police evacuated a San Diego college arena on Thursday, hours before a first-round NCAA championship basketball game, after a bomb-sniffing dog signaled a potential problem at a hot dog stand...."A bomb-sniffing dog noticed something in a hot dog cart," Beresford said. "They got a hit on something that was in the cart itself.

The LAPD have arrested the person behind the problem hot dog, no motive has been determined. Hmmmm Hot dogs.

Mark Green, a liberal activist from New York running for Attorney General is taking on Mark Green, a republican running for Governor of Wisconsin.

According to Mark Green, it seems that Mark Green is wrong for America.

A Mark Green That's Wrong For America!Here in New York, Mark Green is well-known as the former NYC Public Advocate and Consumer Affairs Commissioner who is a leading candidate to replace Eliot Spitzer as New York's Attorney General. But in Wisconsin, Mark Green is this guy, a conservative Republican congressman running for Governor.

Mark Green, the NASCAR driver from Kentucky is not taking sides. While Doctor Mark Greene from ER died before he could pick a side.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Don't worry, he lived.

A chain-reaction accident on the Long Island Expressway (LIE) caused major delays around 8:45 this morning. The car pictured here is...was an Audi.

A westbound tractor-trailer starting having problems and hit the Audi. The car then slammed into the retaining wall. A couple of charter busses then struck the tractor-trailer. The driver of the Audi was airlifted from the scene and is expected to live. There were no other major injuries.

The truck was 16,000 pounds over it's legal limit, was driving on bald tires, and had an invalid registration. Check out more pictures here.

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) managed to create the Mother of All Images for a Caption Contest.Using this in a Caption Contest would be so easy...it's almost a crime. The difficulty level for this image in a caption contest ranks up there with "getting in a homemade porn video with Paris Hilton", therfore, I'll pass on using this for my weekend caption contest.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Iraqis appear to be more in control than what I thought a week ago. That's really a surprise to me. You hear a lot of critical remarks in the press."There really is a lot of effort going and there have some successes in that area,''

Tennessee Governor Phil Bredesen (D) made these remarks while visiting Iraq and Afghanistan.

The story never changes with these meaningless polls. I am not a professional pollster, but they appear to be over sampling Democrats, while dropping the Republican sample. How can you report on a poll, with a straight face, when Republicans are so under sampled? While Bush has not done a great job in some aspects of his presidency, try dropping the number of Democrats and see where he stands then.While we are cherry-picking poll data, here are a few other results of the CNN poll:

Even with the Democrat-heavy poll, nearly 70% think the economy is "good". 13% see the economy as "very good", the highest since April of 2001.

Also, while only 32% think Bush has a clear plan for Iraq, only 25% think Democrats in Congress have one.

I'm not sure how you say it in Swedish, but Tony finally overdosed. Seeing Tony inject that much junk into his system reminded me of "early Season 4 Tony". In fact, Tony wasn't dead - he was just really, really high. Unfortunately for Tony, Jack Bauer cries acid and his tears finished Tony off.

In other news, John McCain got out of CTU alive only to end up getting killed in a GOP Straw Poll.

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter went up 3 bodies this week. Next week we'll have final body count from the CTU attack. It sounds like the final number will push the Kill Counter into triple digits. Yeah!