AuthorAnthony Fitch

Toxic people are unfortunately abundant in life. As an online divorce review site, we’ve seen them ruin their marriages, ruin other peoples’ marriages, and get in the way of divorcees on the road to recovery. If you encounter a toxic person, the best thing to do is to shut them out altogether. It’s not your job to change them, and more often than not, they’ll simply take them down with you. But it’s not always possible to avoid, and so when you encounter one that you can’t get away from — particularly after the divorce is final — here are some tips for handling them.

1. Be On Guard.

One way for not getting sucked in to the web of toxicity is to anticipate a toxic person before they have the chance to act. If you can be more observant of the way people carry themselves, communicate with others, and react when things don’t go their way, then you can temper the level of involvement that you have with that person. For example, if there is someone at work who always seems to be talking about others in the break room, then you may want to avoid a one-on-one with them, or avoid sitting down with their group of “regulars.” This way, you can smile politely, say hi, and keep tensions non-existent without letting them suck you into their inner circle.

2. Have A Line That You Don’t Allow Them To Cross.

If you do get caught up in a conversation with a toxic person, be frank with them and say something that calls their attention to the fact that you won’t play their game. You can do it without being combative, though it’s probable that no amount of niceness will keep their feelings from being hurt. Still, it’s not your job to make them feel better about themselves. Think about saying something like, “Sorry, but I don’t like to say anything about someone I wouldn’t say to their face,” or if you’re not comfortable with that, just lie and say that you have to be somewhere else any time they start up.

3. Do Not Let Them Make You Feel Guilty.

If your whole relationship with someone is based on their ability to shower you with negativity, then do NOT let them make you feel guilty for backing out of that relationship. What’s more, back out of the relationship in the way that feels the most comfortable for you — letter, email, text message, in-person. This is your mental health at stake, and it shouldn’t be jeopardized by a code of etiquette that they determine.

4. Don’t Feel You Have To Justify Yourself.

If you don’t want to be around a toxic person, then there is no justification needed. Just back away whenever you can, and if you have to confront, do so. But if they try to goad you into explaining yourself, don’t do it. That’s their game, and you shouldn’t have to play it. Plus, the more you engage toxic people, the more they will bring you into their web.

What are some things that you have done to shut toxic people out of your life? Sound off in the comments section.

Can a stepparent have a healthy and nurturing relationship with their stepchildren?

The obvious answer is yes, but it never gets old seeing such a relationship done right. As an online divorce review site, we see many of you take up your responsibilities as stepparents with seriousness and little fanfare, but it never hurts to be celebrated. Today we’re reminded of that in the story of NASCAR driver Brian Scott, who made the following vow to his three-year-old stepdaughter Brielle at his wedding to Brielle’s mother in 2011.

“I promise to always hold your hand and skip with you down the street and bring comfort to your life,” he said. “I vow to make you say your prayers before you eat. I promise to read you stories at night and to always tuck you in real tight. I vow to show you how a man should treat a woman in my relationship with your mother. And above all else, I vow to protect you, care for you and love you forever.”

Since that time, Huffington Post reports, Scott and his wife, Whitney, have made good on that promise for Brielle and even added a baby brother to the mix.

Joseph was born in 2014, and according to Scott, in a followup interview, he’s enjoying fatherhood, a title he attaches to both Brielle and Joseph.

“Just being there for [the kids] and enjoying family moments together and playing with them and hearing them laugh and seeing them smile — all of those things are so much better than any of the negative aspects people like to bring up about having kids. It’s not baggage — it’s great addition [to my life].”

It’s an unfortunate reality of life, but there are many biological parents who aren’t this committed to their children. Scott seeing his stepdaughter and his biological son as his children and the life he and Whitney are making for the pair, are refreshing things to see. Are you a stepparent, or did you grow up with one? What are some of the best aspects of the stepparent-stepchild relationship? Sound off in the comments section.

A divorce can turn your life upside down. Everything that you were once so sure about becomes questionable. Before you know it, you start wondering if the full blame of the marriage’s failure should rest on your shoulders. It’s understandable especially when someone promises to be with you forever and then decides it’s time to end it. Inferiority complexes are common in the aftermath. You may even start developing unhealthy habits. Here are some ways you can break the cycle and reclaim your power.

One: Know what you can control and what you can’t.

There may be conditions that you have to live with or physical features that can only be corrected through surgery. You can classify these as things that are beyond your control. Be aware of them, but realize you can’t do anything about it. Now turn to the facets of your life that you CAN control. Resolve to make those things the best they can be. Want to lose weight? Look at your diet and exercise. Want to be more productive? Know when your “prime” working times are — day or night — and exploit. You may be imperfect, but guess what: so is everyone else. You can distinguish yourself from most of the population by setting aside your imperfections and making yourself stronger in the areas you can control.

Two: Give back.

When I was divorced, I didn’t think that any other person in the history of civilization had it worse than I did. How wrong was that? Someone always has it worse, and while you can try to make yourself feel better with that bit of knowledge, you’ll have an easier time if you do SOMETHING to give back. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Give to a children’s hospital — money and/or time. Seek out those who are less fortunate and resolve to do something special. You won’t even have to pat yourself on the back because if you do get involved in helping others, your focus will shift away from yourself and onto the environment around you. This will lead to a more realistic view of the world and your place in it, and you’ll come to a helpful realization: inferiority is an attitude and it’s well within your control.

In Summary

Did you feel like the whole world was better than you after a divorce? How did you get over that feeling, or did you? If not, what’s holding you back?

Growing apart is an unfortunate reality of married life, and it’s one that must be fought against every step of the way. The marriages that are unable to fight back are the ones that often fail. The good news is that something can be done before it’s too late that will enable you to keep the marriage together. You simply have to know what the warning signs are and resolve to do something about them.

Warning Sign #1: You do everything separately.

Vacations, bed times, weekend time. If you are spending all your time apart and living as glorified roommates, then you need to stop it at once. Schedule a weekend off together somewhere, free of the kids. Hire a babysitter for the night if you can’t afford a whole weekend. Reconnect as dating partners and not just caregivers. Have a code word if the conversation starts to become too much about the kids. All of this is important for not growing apart.

Warning Sign #2: You are stressed to the max.

Buy a house? Remodeling one? Did you just have a baby? Or perhaps you have a sick child that requires more care than a child on a normal development pattern would need? All of life’s stresses can add up over time, or they can crush you at once. If you can’t learn to lean on one another and nurture your relationship throughout, then you could be headed for trouble. If you’re stressed, do NOT be afraid to ask for help. Family. Friends. They all want to see you succeed, and by utilizing them when times are tough, you can take the time to reconnect with one another, assess tough situations, and figure out how best to deal with the issues.

Warning Sign #3: You are bored with one another.

You’re spending time together, but unfortunately, you aren’t as drawn to one another as you used to be. When you do get free time, you’re out of ideas for things to do from the very beginning. Instead of living a life together, you’re going through the motions and wishing you were somewhere else. The remedy for this is tough, and sometimes there isn’t one.

If you can’t work out your issues, read over our online divorce reviews and see which option is the best for you.

Relationship advice from a divorce attorney may not be your ideal resource, but these professionals see how marriages can fall apart every day of their lives. They also see how clients are able to put themselves back together again. Therefore, they can be a surprisingly effective tool in rebuilding your dating life and seeing yourself as someone’s significant other once more. Forbes recently asked several to weigh in with some of their best advice, and here were their responses.

1. NYC Attorney Alyssa Eisner: “Be true to yourself. If deep-down you really want kids, don’t tell yourself it will be enough to be a stepmom. You will ultimately resent your spouse, and it will come out in passive-aggressive ways. If you really want someone who won’t come home until 10 p.m. because he’s out hustling and making a lot of money — don’t marry a blue-collar guy, because you won’t be happy. Don’t think you can change the other person. You can’t.”

2. San Diego Attorney Zephyr Hill: “Be judicious with social media. Healthy relationships require spending time together in real life, and social media can be a hazardous distraction. Broadcasting the details (good or bad) of your relationship is a recipe for disaster.”

3. Pasadena Attorney Mark Baer: “Synchronize. Avoid most arguments by making it more difficult, if not impossible, to forget things by using synchronized lists, calendaring apps, and the like. Synchronize financial information so spouses can keep track of combined income and expenses, avoid bouncing checks from joint accounts, and hopefully eliminate financial ‘surprises’ that can create marital conflict.”

4. Somerville, N.J. Attorney Francine Gargano: “If you get involved with someone who is divorced, seek out a copy of the complaint and answer in the divorce (not the Final Judgment of Divorce) so you can see the allegations against the individual, i.e. domestic violence, adultery or maybe just irreconcilable differences. You will have a better understanding of the type of person you are dating.”

As an online divorce review site, we see a lot of users who visit worried about whether they are doing their children irreparable harm with the decision to call it quits. There are certainly some sobering statistics out there that indicate divorce can lead to later-in-life difficulties for a young one, but there are also ways that pushing through with a divorce can enrich their lives.

For starters, it can teach them not to accept less than what they deserve.

Probably one of your biggest fears, if you’re in this boat, is that your children will experience heartache and failure in their relationships. You want them to have it better than you did and not “settle,” but how will they ever know to not settle if they see you doing it? Finding someone who makes you happy and more complete should be a goal, and if your marriage isn’t doing that, then it could be best to look elsewhere.

Secondly, children can learn they are not forgotten.

Many kids who experience negative effects of their parents’ divorce, go through it because Mom and Dad fought constantly and put them in the center — whether intentionally or unintentionally — thus making them feel like something was wrong with them and that their parents’ love for them was conditional on picking the right side. You can prevent this from happening by making your kids a priority throughout the divorce process (and after), showing them that they still matter.

Thirdly, divorce can teach kids much about conflict resolution.

If Mom and Dad are fighting tooth-and-nail and oblivious to others’ feelings, then obviously that would be a bad lesson for your kids to learn. But if you are respectful, kind, and understanding in your approach, it can result in your kids getting a better idea of how to talk through problems and resolve conflicts.

The one constant in all these life lessons is you and your spouse. While you cannot control your spouse’s actions, you can control your own. Be the example you want your kids to have, and they’ll be at least halfway to normal, well-adjusted adulthoods.

The term “divorce afterlife” always seemed to be a fitting one. If you’ve ever been through a divorce, then you know what I’m talking about. You really aren’t the same person post-divorce as you were before, and if you play your cards right, that’s a good thing. The key to making the most out of your situation is to have resolutions, just like you would at the start of a new year. Recently HuffPo took a crack at this and came up with 50 one-word resolutions. Here were what I would consider to be the most essential.

Adventure

When you get a divorce, it’s easy to let yourself throw a 24/7 pity party. That’s because no one likes to fail, and it’s easier to dwell on what went wrong than it is to take a hard look at yourself and make changes. That’s where a sense of adventure comes in. By making an effort to try new things and make decisions you never would have made married, you can get to know yourself at a deeper level. Chances are, you’ll like the discoveries you make.

Breathe

Divorce is often dangerous because it causes us to grow calloused to the world around us. We allow the maddening pace of everyday life to take over and pretty soon we’re just going from one day to the next “getting by” without ever stopping to enjoy new people or experiences. By taking some deep breaths, meditating, and getting away from negative influences, you can approach your life in a rejuvenated fashion where you actually notice the world around you (and the opportunities).

Acceptance

The faster that you can accept the person that you are and move forward instead of looking back, the faster you will reap the benefits of divorce instead of looking at it as a negative.

Optimism

People who can envision good things happening are much more likely to experience them. Don’t let pessimism take its toll on your body and mind. Tell yourself that this divorce happened for a reason, and that reason is to help you become the man or woman you’re supposed to be.

Read the full list of one-word resolutions at Huffington Post, and think about how you can implement them in your life.

Valentine’s Day can be pretty rough stuff especially if you’re like one of the many who come to our online divorce review site for direction on how to file. If it’s your first V.D. without a husband, wife, or significant other, it can be especially revolting. Luckily, there is a new service that can help you deal with the heartache in a way that is more therapeutic than most.

ShredYourEx is a website that actually allows you to watch a photo of your ex torn into ribbons. Here’s how it works. Simply go to the ShredYourEx Instagram or Twitter, send @ShredYourEx a photo of your ex tagged with #ShredYourEx, and then head over to ShredYourEx.tv to watch the pic be shredded live through a commercial grade printer over a fireplace.

Huffington Post notes that it was started by the ad agency McKinney. Agency staffer Renee Montpetit told the website that her team “created the site to squeeze some fun out of a day that can be less than thrilling for singles.”

“Plus, deleting a picture doesn’t give you the same satisfaction as physically destroying it,” she said. “This gives singles that cathartic release in a fun way.”

While it’s a lighthearted concept, it definitely raises some points that are important for the healing process:

1. It’s more difficult to get over someone if you constantly see reminders of the way you were but no longer are.

2. Destroying such mementos is a way of taking back the destruction you may have felt during the breakup. It really is cathartic, in other words.

3. It may not be as satisfying, but while you’re at it, go ahead and delete those old photos, too. You don’t want your old life hanging around preventing you from starting a new one, do you?

Even if you don’t give ShredYourEx a tryout, consider destroying some pictures on your own. You’ll be surprised at what it can do for the soul.

They’re the words no spouse wants to hear. Four simple words that can blindside you and turn your whole world upside down. ”I want a divorce.” As an online divorce review site, we’ve seen many people not know how to respond to this demand, and it can lead to major issues if not handled correctly. While each situation is different, there are some general principles you should keep in mind if you’re on the receiving end of those words.

1. Realize it’s not your decision to make.

The decision to file is fueled by what your spouse is thinking and feeling and wanting. It’s not something that you can hack in to and reprogram. They’re the only ones who can do that and so thinking that you can somehow “make them stay” will only set you up for disaster. Avoid allowing your emotions to override your common sense in this area and instead try to listen to what your spouse is saying. If part of them still wants to be with you, they might suggest or agree to go to counseling. But typically when the words leave their mouth, it’s difficult to change their minds.

2. Commit to being your best.

While you cannot control how your spouse will act once they decide to file, you can control your own actions, which should include keeping a level head, taking care of yourself, attending marriage counseling if that is an option or regular counseling should you need some professional advice on how to deal with the fallout. What you don’t do is engage in erratic behavior in a desperate attempt to “win back” your spouse. No one ever crazy-ed their way into a happy ending.

3. Start building a support unit.

You may not be able to rely on your spouse anymore once they tell you they want a divorce, but you can find the people in your life who really matter to you. Draw close to them. Don’t let them go. They will see you through the hard times ahead and ensure that you end up in a better place when the dust clears.

Being a single mom, who has just gone through a divorce, can be a scary time. You might feel it difficult to get back on the dating scene. But as far as guys go, it’s not as big of an issue as you probably think it is. Our online divorce review site found the following responses from men across the reddit community. Here’s what they had to say.

1. “I wouldn’t get in a relationship with a single mom unless I saw a genuine long term possibility, it’s too difficult on the child when men pop in and out of their lives. If I liked her enough that I could see myself sticking around past the honeymoon phase, why the h*** not?”

2. “My current girlfriend is a single mom (Well, was, I suppose) and I felt like I was under a lot more pressure to not only make sure she enjoyed my company, but I also had to be a fatherly figure towards her son (6yr old). She wouldn’t accept anything less than exactly what she knew she wanted. She has been through the whole marriage and kid ordeal before, and it didn’t work. As most people know, you learn by failure, and she knows herself much better and knows what she actually wants and needs more accurately.”

3. “I’m 35. At 24 and 29, I would have said (a qualified) no. Now I say yes. But now I have nephews and nieces who have shown me how awesome (and awesomely challenging) kids can be, so that’s no longer as unknown and frightening as it once was. … And I’m older and I’ve really had my fill of immature ladies. I could be wrong but I tend to assume that a woman with kids (and in my age range) would be more likely to know what she wants and less likely to create drama for the sake of it. (I’m sure there are many exceptions to that general assumption…)”

4. “I can only use the data set I’ve observed here in rural Kentucky, so consider me biased. If the woman only had a single child and was independent, then maybe. If she was somebody I was into. If she has multiple children by multiple men, then, no.”

5. “Yes. I love children. I don’t know how common this is among men, but when I was dating, one of the things I wondered about was whether a woman could be a competent mother and also remain sane. So many people seem normal until children get involved and then they turn out to be … insane. Dating a single mom would at least give me the chance to see the whole person early in the game.”

Are you a single parent with primary custody? What are you most nervous about upon reentering the dating scene?