Wednesday, September 25, 2013

so scared to love

I wake up and not having you text me “Good morning :)” stings. The fact that we’re in a time and place where there are far more important things to us than each other, unbelievably sucks but we both know it’s for the better… but why does it hurt so much even though I know there are more good things that come out of this? I wish I didn’t get to talk to you about a future together, I wish I didn’t say “I love you”. I wish I didn’t feel this way ever with you because it hurts to know that you felt the same way and we can’t be because of these circumstances. I’m going to be really jealous on who your next girlfriend is going to be because I want to be the one next to you. My mind’s just saying that you’ll find somebody new and my heart aches because the possibility of it being true is so high. This is why I don’t wanna love, why I’m so scared to love because there seems to be reasons why they don’t work and I just get exhausted from all the tears and frustration and only to build my confidence just to have it broken down. I wanna keep trying and trying, but I’m too tired. Sometimes, I just wanna know if I’m going to be alone or am I going to be with somebody? Because I’m tired, I’m so tired and...

The fact that I wrote this this two years ago and it finally was stumbled upon now makes me think of how much has changed. I went on to be in a horrible relationship to try to melt away the pain. And it did because I became entralled with the new struggles this relationship brought me. The boy I was writing about, he would bail me out of everything and anything of that relationship. We have distanced but somehow on the days I think of him he texts me. I always wondered if there was something to him and I. I loved him so much then and I loved him so much in the moments where we came to gether again but I have tried to put him out of sight out of mind. But what if there is a method to this madness..

Would you still stay with him if everyone keeps getting in your way? Would you still believe in his words saying "I love you"? Would you still stay w him if you keep worrying about his love for you? Saying goodbye is not always easy. You need to bury all your feelings for him and make it look like nothing happened. Suddenly you wake up one day and realize that you still miss him. Then you go back to crying again, wishing that you never met him. And at the end of the day you need to calm yourself and think of what's best for you. You need to move on and be free from the stress because pain is just a temporary feeling. You tell yourself there will be a better lover but first you need to let him go. Saying goodbye is not always easy but if you think that's best for you go and find your happiness. Remember there's more to life than love.