Cancer Survivors Network - Comments for "I feel so guilty..."http://csn.cancer.org/node/235703
Comments for "I feel so guilty..."en-csnI know this is an old threadhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1278959
<p>I know this is an old thread but it is nice knowing that I am not alone in this way of thinking. I think being a caregiver is a hard job, I am a mom an army wife and a caregiver to my husband. I hate sending my daughter who is only 2 away because she doesn't understand. When my husband is sick as a dog I feel so bad and when he is hugging the toilet and throwing up so violently it's a are you kidding me type of feeling. I love my husband dearly but I hate the fact that we can't have a normal life together. I hate that my oldest two who are 8 and 6 knows that one day he may die. I get so mad that he may not be there to see the kids graduate highchool or college or just grow old with me. I as a person can only see what is going on but with him having mds on the verge of aml I don't know what it feels like. I don't know what it feels like to have no energy and I don't mind him taking pain meds to be comfortable but I hate it when he is in the hospital and they make high around the clock.I feel like he is being robbed from his career which he is still active duty but they have him on home duty, I feel robbed because I don't like watching him in pain or getting mad because I think he whines more than I do. I hate when he makes me feel like I am not doing anything right and when we argue I feel bad but I have to leave. But when I leave I am so hurt and angry that he calls and wants me to come back but I can't for atleast a day. Some days I want to tell him to quit complaining but I know this is a horrible disease so I just pray to god to help me get through this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy I just want to have a normal life </p>
Wed, 12 Sep 2012 02:32:42 +0000jenniferleitner25comment 1278959 at http://csn.cancer.orgdealing with cancer and painkillershttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1268011
<p>My husband has stage IV cancer and has been on painkillers for over a year. I have a harder time coping with his constant misuse of these pills than I do the cancer. When he takes 2 or 3 times the prescribed amount of painkillers and then runs out...goes through withdrawal, or runs to the doctor for more, it causes fights between us. I hate myself for not being more understanding, but it's difficult to cope when he won't talk with me, or lies about how many pills he's taking during the month...I feel so lost and alone, yet guilty at the same time. Am I wrong in thinking he should take the medication as prescribed? Is this just a matter of time until his pain management doctor finds what will work for him? Is it normal for a doctor to just keep filling more prescriptions every time a cancer patient runs out in the middle of the month?</p>
Thu, 16 Aug 2012 23:05:24 +0000pat770comment 1268011 at http://csn.cancer.orgLove sent to each one of you !http://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1245780
<p>Hello all,<br />
I was a caregiver for my Mom for a couple of years...but Dad was her primary. They did get to celebrate their 50th anniversary before she left us. I saw my Father go through some pretty horrific decission making, but he was always so gentle with Mom. Dad never cried lol...yeah right...I would hold him, no words of comfort could console him, he was losing his soul mate. 2 yrs., and his lose is still just as raw...but he is making adjustments. We have a big family....but he says in a crowd of loved ones, he still feels so alone. I want to say you're all so needed, but don't ever try to do the primary thing alone...and when and if ever needed bring in hospice. They were invaluable to all of us...especially Mom. Don't ever let the what if's plague you....they all know down deep how much you cared. I now find myself a cancer survivor...and I think oh Mom....how were you so brave. Now can relate on both plains...but am thinking being on the side of care giving is the toughest. All the warmest wishes and good thoughts are sent to each one of you ! Hugs, Katie </p>
Sat, 23 Jun 2012 03:27:14 +0000katenorwoodcomment 1245780 at http://csn.cancer.orgrun seathttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1245763
<p>Where..and I'll go!</p>
<p>Or marriage stunk before the cancer and notes i'm trapped with someone who never cared about me but i'm suppose to do it all for him..not!</p>
Sat, 23 Jun 2012 02:01:40 +0000oriontjcomment 1245763 at http://csn.cancer.orgThank youhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1245745
<p>My husband passed away on May 31st, 2012 after a 13 year battle with colon cancer. We would have celebrated our first anniversary on June 26th. We dated 20 years ago in college and then fate reunited us three years ago. I knew he was ill but I was determined not to let cancer keep me from the love of my life. I was his sole caregiver and for the most part it was a pleasure. He never "acted" sick and we had a wonderful life together. He was the most incredible stepfather to our three children. In March, the cancer spread to his brain and our world was shattered. He went from surfing, running and biking to being wheelchair-bound. It was a nightmare. I had to shower him, dress him, carry him up and down the stairs, etc. He could no longer even use the bathroom alone. I missed the life we had terribly. I am ashamed to admit it but at times I became very resentful. I was angry at the cancer and the fact that his family did nothing to help us but I took it out on him. I picked stupid fights and complained. I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Since he has been gone, I am completely lost. The guilt I feel is absolutely overwhelming.</p>
<p>Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way. I hope someday the good memories will overshadow the guilt and sense of failure I am feeling now.</p>
Sat, 23 Jun 2012 01:40:47 +0000Shanmoxcomment 1245745 at http://csn.cancer.orgSorry to Welcome Youhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1243060
<p>I am sorry that you are new here. This is a site none of us wanted to be a part of. I lost my husband of 42 years after a 6 year battle with colon cancer. Just the word cancer scares us. I can assure you that your feeling are normal, whatever that is. We, too, had only been retired for a short time when Doug was dx. It wasn't and isn't fair, but as I told my kids life isn't fair. You will find that you are stronger than you think. You will be able to do things you never thought you could. And it is ok to feel sorry for yourself. This is happening to both of you. Come here often. There are many who share your feelings and fear. I only lurk most of the time now. Please feel free to PM me. Take care, Fay</p>
Sat, 16 Jun 2012 18:41:49 +0000grandmafaycomment 1243060 at http://csn.cancer.orgnew here and feeling guilty, lonely and scaredhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1242480
<p>My husband of almost 18 years was recently diagnosed with stage iv nasopharangeal cancer. We just retired a couple of years ago. This is not how we envisioned our retirement. We moved here a few years ago and have no family or friends nearby. We thought we would be traveling during our retirement. He is finishing his 4th week of radiation with 3 more to go along with 4 more rounds of chemo, but I am afraid of what is to come. He is so frail and having trouble eating and is getting so upset because he has no energy. I am so afraid I won't be able to take care of him properly and I have no one to talk to. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when he is so sick.</p>
Fri, 15 Jun 2012 08:16:09 +0000st petecomment 1242480 at http://csn.cancer.orgMy husband and I justhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1240204
<p>My husband and I just celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary on Thursday. We celebrated by...well...we didn't...he was getting chemo. We've been dealing with cancer for seven years...almost all of our marriage. I get angry at the cancer and am careful to let my husband know that it is the cancer and not him that I am mad at. It's usually the day after chemo that I'm able to let down and get irritated. I love him, I hate the cancer. I guess I'm just saying that your feelings are so normal. It actually was comforting to me to read your post because today is the day after chemo and...well...I'm just getting over being mad about it.</p>
Sat, 09 Jun 2012 16:49:58 +0000JennZiesercomment 1240204 at http://csn.cancer.orgI am the patient, myhttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1232251
<p>I am the patient, my husband, my wonderful caregiver of 18 years. </p>
<p>I am not offended by your post. I would worry about you if you DIDN'T get angry at your partner from time to time and/or blame her because of what you are going through. That is normal. You want your "old" life back. No one told you that this was going to happen and yet it did. You have no sense of "normal" and you just want 5 minutes away from all of this. Sound familiar? My husband has his moments too. </p>
<p>Now think about it from her point of view. Her world as she knows it has been turned upside down and it will NEVER be the same again. Oh sure, you can have the therapies and treatments, but she has been violently attacked and there was nothing she could have done to stop it. She feels violated and she just wants her "normal" to return. </p>
<p>I have bad news for the both of you. It ain't happening. Oh sure, you get a "new" normal, but not the old one. But she LIVED. She is a survivor and she is still in the biggest battle of her life. I guarantee you that she doesn't know from one day to the next how she will feel and she feels terrible about it. She wants normal more than you do and she feels terrible because she can't give it to you. </p>
<p>But you can work through the emotions and the bad feelings. I would encourage you to take time for yourself (if you aren't already). Therapy also works wonders. My husband and I go to counseling together and it has helped us tremendously. I would also encourage you to spend some time with people who aren't "in the system". Go to the movies, dinner, museums, coffee house, etc. to get some time with normal people. </p>
<p>I would also advise you to remmeber that your partner did not ask for this and it is okay for you to be angry. Just make sure you remember that it is the cancer you are angry at, not your partner. </p>
Sun, 20 May 2012 01:06:34 +0000palmyrafancomment 1232251 at http://csn.cancer.orgfeelinghttp://csn.cancer.org/node/235703#comment-1230003
<p>I have had these feeling then fell guilty for them, I love my hubby we have been married 38 years . I worry what to say and not to say to him, how to make his life comfortable. always a struggle. Some times I feel so alone , this is something I can not talk to our kids about. I know they are hurting too.<br />
I take one day at a time and work on that day. I use hope and humor as my main reason to stay shane in all this.<br />
It is not easy to say what is going on in out heads, sometimes it does not match what is in our hearts. But I think we all get it.<br />
I try to stay positive and just do the best I can do. Sometimes it does not always feel like I do enough .<br />
We all have days we are not proud of. We all have days when we feel like we will break. I remind myself that I love him! He reminds me he loves me. So that keeps us going.</p>
Mon, 14 May 2012 04:49:35 +0000zinniemaycomment 1230003 at http://csn.cancer.org