Friday, September 18, 2009

Thoughts while watching my baby sleep.

I never knew having a baby could be this wonderful. I keep expecting the euphoria to wear off, but each day I am more in love with this little boy than before. Life with Collin is the complete opposite as my experience with baby Lydia. Instead of waking to screams, I am greeted each morning by a gummy smile. Instead of pushing away from me when I want to hold him close, he welcomes my affection. I am putting in as much time and energy with this baby, but the rewards are instant. He loves me and he shows it. I never knew how important that affirmation could be. Lydia never showed a particular interest in me, and as you could imagine, confidence in my own mothering ability was materially damaged. It took this second child to reinstate that confidence. Somehow I stayed sane with the world's most difficult baby. I was thus rewarded by that baby growing into an enchanting little girl and a new baby boy who introduced me to a joy I had never known.

I keep whispering to Collin to slow down. Stop growing so fast. Stay little. At night, I bring him into bed to nurse and keep him with me long after he has fallen asleep. I brush my lips against his soft cheeks and nuzzle into his neck, breathing in his baby scent. I desperately try to cement the feeling into my memory.

Motherhood is strange sometimes. Even as I hold my baby, I mourn the loss of this time. No matter how many photos I take, or journal entries I write, I can never experience these moments again. My heart breaks knowing my son will only be a baby for a fraction of my time with him. God seems to know what He is doing. He send us these helpless creatures who completely ensnare us with their delicious sweetness. We will give up our every comfort for theirs. Once the love for a child is set, there is no breaking it and our hearts are left completely vulnerable. Heartache is guaranteed and yet we willing embrace it.

As I write, my baby is sleeping soundly beside me. I pray that someday when he holds his own child, he will have a small understanding of the love I feel for him now. That way, this moment never really has to end.

Love this post. I felt like I was reading my own personal feelings. Although my first wasn't all too difficult of a baby my experience with my second was exactly as you described yours with your Lydia., He to and made me question my own abilities – still does on occasion and still is my struggle - but I feel him coming around and am delighted with the little boy he is becoming. I was scared to have another and considered our latest my 'get back on the horse' baby. She is now 4 ½ months and I relate to your feelings so much. With Canon I was always aching to get past his current difficultness (is that a word?). And now I find myself aching to hold on to her yumminess (pretty sure that isn’t a word). Thank you for sharing your thoughts and doing it so eloquently.

It was so nice to read this because the night before last I held my little man who is 5 months old while he slept. I sat and stared at him, thinking to myself that he'll be grown and gone before I know it. I sat gazing and just wanted time to freeze!! Thanks for sharing!

You captured my thoughts and feelings lately. Henry is my last and it is going way too fast. We didn't even know that we wanted a 2nd when we got pregnant and wow God knew what he was doing when he sent this angel. I love being a mom, it is my greatest accomplishment!

I was having these exact feelings tonight myself while rocking Cameron to sleep. I just love my little boy as well. He is so sweet, and he shows his love for me as well. I wish they could be babies a little longer

I just came upon your site from another site I follow and usually wait awhile to leave a comment but this was such a beautiful post! We have 22-month old b/g twins ourselves and while we always said two would be enough for us, it seems like we only had one since we were only able to experience everything once. Life with them is more beautiful than we ever imagined but sometimes...just sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have just one more. ;)

Well said! I am watching my last baby grow and it kills me to know it is going too fast. My cup runneth over! I am glad that this Collin is such a sweet spirit and letting you know the goodness of motherhood without tireing yourself out.

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Hi! I'm Natalie

Hey there! Welcome to my yellow blog. A place where I try to keep the gray days away by looking to some of the sunny things of life. How amazing motherhood is (except on the days it almost kills me), loving every moment of having a toddler (HA!) the joys of domesticity (and sometimes paying someone else to do it). Finding myself in Idaho (Whaaaaa???) and really loving it! A place to find many lovelies to cheer and inspire. (And indulge my particular obsession with jewelry, photography and the color yellow.) Welcome and please feel free to stay awhile.