How to Make Friends

The transition from college to the workforce has been great, to say the least. Paid vacation and holidays. A Monday through Friday schedule. Minus rush hour traffic, I’ve pretty much been enjoying myself – with one exception.

My social life is lagging. By lagging, I mean that I only hang out with my boyfriend and my 5-year-old sister. And even those two sometimes get tired of me.

This is not because I am an awful person and I just can’t keep friends – I’ve determined it’s because my friends are growing up too.

One is pregnant (this changes nothing, by the way. I will gladly meet up my pregnant friend to complain about our day over a basket of fried pickles) anyway her pregnancy prompted her to move back home – like four states away – to be closer to family. Insert eye roll emoji.

Another friend just became a flight attendant (hello, living the dream) so now she literally lives everywhere but Texas.

And another friend recently got kinda serious and is house hunting with her almost-husband. (I sense a pregnancy announcement in the near future.)

My point is that I’m desperate for a girl to sit on a patio with me and sip a margarita.

(For those of you who don’t know, Bumble is a dating app, similar to Tinder, except that it has a BFF feature where you can scroll through people looking for friendships without the unwanted advances of TCU frat guys looking for hookups)

Bumble BFF was cool. I matched this girl, she seemed great. I even thought to myself, “Wow we would look great in an Instagram picture together. #BFFs”

We exchanged messages like “Mimosas?” and “The Bachelor?” and hit it off. Anyway she was like “A bunch of us are going out this weekend, you should come!” So I’m like “Sweet, I’m down. Where will y’all be?”

“Downtown Fort Worth… You should just meet me at my apartment?”

Ok, this is where I got sort of “flaky” by suggesting we meet in public. I’ve seen way too many Lifetime movies – I’m not about to meet a stranger, alone, at an apartment complex I’ve never been to – I’m not that desperate.

She got sort of defensive and called me a flake.

To which I was like, “umm ok weirdo why can’t we meet in public?”

Sooo Bumble was a bust IMO. Plus my boyfriend was like, “You gotta meet people in a natural setting, an app is not natural, yadda yadda yadda.”

Fast forward to my second attempting at forcing a friendship. I met a girl a little over a year ago through a mutual friend and she added me on Snapchat.

Out of the blue, she messaged me saying “Hey girl, we should get a drink sometime… The one time we hung out you seemed really cool blah blah blah”

Y’all. I was SO EXCITED. I was like HECK YES, I’m gonna make a friend.

I respond like “OMG YES! What are you doing this weekend? We should meet for a drink.”

She’s like “Yeah, I’m free Friday. So random, I had a dream about you last night haha”

I’m like “Oh. Weird. Anyway where should we go?”

She’s like “Wherever. Anyway in my dream you and I… um, you know”

I’m like W T F…

The next thing I know, this chick is asking if I’d be interested in a threesome with her and her husband.

I politely declined and explained that I’m in a committed (monogamous) relationship. And now I’m back to square one.

Moral of the story is that I don’t know how to make friends and you read this for no reason. Sorry.