10 stupidest things you can say to a football fan

I thought the worst thing that could happen to a fan of football, who is based in India, is being subjected to the combined stupidity of Gaurav Kapur, John Abraham and Nikhil Chinappa. Turns out it can get a lot worse when you are forced into social interaction with your fellow human beings.

Turns out it can progress to a whole other degree of awful when you happen to be a woman who likes football.

No wonder the FIFA 2014 logo looks like a Facepalm.What do you do for sleep?

I sleep. I mean, what else does anybody do for sleep? Only, I sleep at times when no match is being played. Since the hardest exercise my brain gets when I’m not watching the television or writing is making conversation with the likes of you, it really is no big deal.Does your father watch football? Or your brothers?

Why don’t you come right out and ask me why a girl likes football? Most of the men I’m related to also wear leather shoes and cut their hair short. It so happens that I don’t depend on the interests of the men in my family to shape mine.

Also, my brothers are young enough for ‘Ronaldo’ to conjure up an entirely different player in their minds from the one in mine.

Then, how come?

Do you also want to know who else in my family rolls my eyes like this? Or do you want to tell me I must be a ‘tomboy’? Do you want to know whether I have a boyfriend who watches football? Or do you want to know whether I’m a part of an underground cult that sacrifices humans at the end of every major sporting tournament? Each of those questions would be rather more interesting than your ‘Then, how come?’, you know.

If I may ask a question in return – how come you’re allowed to wander around without a mute button on you?

Brazil is going to win the World Cup

Really, darlings. The only people under 60 who are backing this Brazilian team for the title are the ones who just began to dissociate ‘Brazil’ from waxing. Well, they and all those people in yellow shirts filling the stands.But Pele has predicted that...

Muhahahahahaha. That’s all the breath I’m willing to waste in reacting to that. I could, of course, point you to the history of Pele’s predictions.

But I’ll leave you to Google that, since that is clearly the chief source of your footballing knowledge.

I’m just as crazy about football as you are

Okay, really, don’t even...

Right, so I have actually heard this several times. I have mostly heard it from people who are trying to keep me at parties I want to get out of early, in order to go home and watch football.

Usually, they are people who last watched football...no, heard football on AIR, because that was all the technology that was available before they were struck by arthritis and the aspiring omniscience of old age.

Usually, the alternative to watching football at home is staying on and playing antakshari at the party in question. The fun parties have provisions for watching football in some corner of the house.

What’s on your mind?

What the hell do you think is on my mind, Einstein? What should be on the minds of anyone who has his or her priorities straight for the summer?

So, if I look angry or worried or anxious or happy, it has only about 50 percent to do with present company.

There will never be a player like Pele again

No, there won’t. Because Pele is the only player who could play like Pele. And there will also never be a player like Maradona again. Or Batistuta. Or Raul. Or Messi. Or Suarez. Did you have a point?Which footballer do you think is the best-looking?

That’s an excellent question. It should be posed to someone who is unsure whether to spell it ‘Brazil’ or ‘Brasil’, because the last time he or she thought about the country was when he or she had to study the geography of various continents – if I’m not mistaken, that was CBSE, Class 6.

The last time he or she thought about football was...probably never.

I happen not to own a life-size poster of Cristiano Ronaldo, with my lipstick marks on his threaded eyebrows. And so, I’m the wrong person to ask.

It’s just a game

WHERE DO I BEGIN? I mean, don’t even...

Okay, let me introduce you to Bill Shankly. This man said, “Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.”

If you don’t know who Bill Shankly is, turn to your life coach – Google.