"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them" Maya Angelou

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A Letter to my mother on Mother’s Day

I sent a message to my mother yesterday which a year ago would have been unthinkable for me.

I asked her about the abuse. I have distanced myself from her since I began counselling just over a year ago. She has kept in touch by sending me messages every week. I have not seen her in over two years and haven’t spoken to her on the phone for over a year now.

Yesterday I felt it was time to move things forward. I have not told her why I have distanced myself. At first it was because I confided in her about my husband’s physical abuse of me, and she told me to be patient. She wasn’t supportive of the divorce and just stopped talking to me about anything that really mattered. Her texts are always about superficial things and she will always ends the text with ‘I love you and miss you.’

In so many ways, I am speaking up about everything; I am blogging, going for counselling and have even talked to friends and my brother about the sexual abuse.

I have been avoiding confronting my mother and have found it easier to just reply to her superficial texts and shut her out, but yesterday I decided that the truth will set both of us free. Looking at recent pictures of her, I was saddened by how much she has aged and how unhappy she looks. She is suffering too with this dark secret. It is a burden on all of us.

My reaching out to her for an explanation is a chance for her redemption; a lifeline for her in my opinion. In my message, I explained that the reason I have distanced myself is that I am trying to process the past and that it has been very painful. It has been especially painful to try and understand her role in all of it. I asked her why she had never mentioned it or protected me from him. I asked if she thought I had forgotten about it because I was too little?

In the past, my mother has always blurted out everything that I tell her to my father. In my message I told her to leave him out of it and that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I told her that if she wanted to have an honest relationship with me, then she should reply.

Maybe she is not ready yet to have that conversation? She might ignore it or deny everything. Either way I know the truth and I am speaking my truth. I have made a choice to move away from the abusive people in my life and she has a choice too. She has the opportunity to build a new and honest relationship with me or she can continue in the illusion that she has clouded herself with.

My one condition to have a relationship with her is that she acknowledge the abuse. I know that she will never be able to undo it but I need to remain true to myself. My voice has become louder and stronger and will not be muted any longer. I want her to know why I have distanced myself. I am willing to move on but only if my suffering and hurt are acknowledged.

For too long my voice has been silenced and my feelings suppressed. I have worried about how she would take it. Will she be ok? Well I am tired of carrying a burden that doesn’t belong to me and I am tired of falseness.

It really is a pivotal moment in our relationship and I hope for the best!

I will need your support my fellow bloggers at this time and I want to thank Patricia especially for being there for me!!

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16 thoughts on “A Letter to my mother on Mother’s Day”

You have my support always. Words that come up; warrior, brave, courageous, self-healing, a light leading by example, choosing the road you need to live the life you want and deserve, and those that want to join you must treat you with love, respect, honesty and dignity.

I relate very much to what you have written here. I hope you’re able to find what you’re looking for. I also wrote a letter to my mother, addressing all the hurt that exists in our relationship. That was six months ago and she never responded to me and hasn’t spoken to me since. Writing my blog has given me some strength to want and demand better for myself. What a beautiful tribute from Patricia above, she is right. Wishing you much peace.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry that she didn’t reply. My mother replied but says she didn’t know anything about it. She says she is a bad mother and wants to die now. Her response has not been helpful to me because it has made me feel like I am crazy. There is no way she could not have known.

Wow! You are very brave. I just love how you are sticking to your truth, living honestly and not allowing anyone to pull you away from that. And it is very kind and compassionate of you to allow a space for your mother in your life, if she agrees to be honest as well. I hope she will, but I know you are doing the right thing regardless of how she reacts.

Thank you! Unfortunately she says she doesn’t know anything about it so it looks like at this point I will not be able to have a relationship with her. I pray that one day she will be willing to remember.

Oh, I’m sorry — that’s a huge loss for her! She must be very afraid, to turn away from having the relationship with you, though she loves and misses you. She is losing a lot in order to keep denying the truth. I hope you are feeling ok.

Thank you. Yes, I know she loves me but she is full of fear and loyalty to my dad and I don’t know what else. I am ok, it’s been an emotionally trying week but I am going through all the feelings as they come. I have a counselling session today so am sure that will be good for me.

I did a similar thing many years ago when my abuse memories surfaced. I wrote a letter to my parents, each got their own letter so neither could hide or discard it and I also sent a cc to each of my siblings, so the parents knew that everybody was in on the news. At first, my mother supported me and comforted me. But my father said I was crazy and needed to be institutionalized. After a few weeks, my mother sided with my father. She couldn’t take the discord in their relationship, didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’. My siblings all supported me, which I appreciated. I told my parents I no longer wanted to see them and wasn’t going to let them pollute my young children’s lives with their beliefs. I didn’t see them or speak to them for 3 years. It was only after much therapy and emotional healing that I decided I could be around them.
I wish you much strength and courage as you work through your abuse issues. ❤

I’m happy your brother supports you. So you have one family member on your side, that’s good, you’re not alone.

I don’t know/remember the nuances about going back to having the parents in my life. Instead of feeling generous and compassionate I think I was more focused on me feeling stronger and confident and knowing/believing I was not/am not the crazy one. So it was more of standing up to my father and saying (without words) I’m not crazy and I’m not a lier and I’m not evil or dirty…..that’s all YOUR stuff, not mine. Does that make sense?

This is all a process and it takes time, lots of time and lots of support. Just keep showing up and chipping away at all the toxic stuff. You’ll get there.