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Is it Abuse? (A Resource Guide)

As a future Social Worker, I felt it would be good to have a post in the Love and Marriage group that has information about the different types of abuse - and yes, there is more than just physical abuse. I have listed some links below, and I hope that everyone will add more resources and /or stories so that we can keep it on top as a primary resource. Feel free to include resources and information about abuse within an adult relationship, child abuse/neglect, and elder abuse. It's not a fun topic, but I think it's vital that we have these resources available!

My first marriage was very abusive, took me a long time to figure this out because he never hit me. His abuse was verbal & manipulative. First he was very controlling, always wanting to know where I was, who I was with, telling me when I had to come home. I pretty much ignored that, saw who I wanted & stayed as long as I wanted, but caught hell when I got home, a lot of yelling & told I didn't love him, etc. Sex in the beginning was fine, but over time it became an issue, he wanted it every day, at least twice, no matter what. Seriously, even if I was really sick, on my period, tired, didn't matter. If I said no I got pouting, whining, pleading, huffed at, eventually yelled at, called names, guilty trips & kept up all night til I gave in. At the time I didn't realize it was a form of abuse & that by manipulating me for sex, when I didn't want it, it was a form of rape. Worst part of this, I had been sexually abused as a child from 9 to 14 by my stepfather, forcing me into sex was doubly cruel & unloving, & he knew my history. So considering that, he really was way over the line. I tried to leave him a couple times, each time he threatened to kill himself, so I stayed. It took me 21 years to finally say I have had enough. When he pulled the I'll kill myself tactic out again, I said, "Fine, go ahead!" At that point I was very close to hating him. I met my current husband while all this was happening, he has had to be there during some really ugly fights because my ex & I have kids together. Once my ex threatened to hit me, my DH got up, he is 6'1" to my ex's 5'8", stood over him & shouted, "You lay one hand on her, I will beat you to a pulp!" Never in the 21 years I was married to that guy did he ever stand up for me, so having my DH of now do so caught me by surprise, but I was grateful. My ex may not be big, but he is very powerful, I think if he ever lost it & started hitting me, he wouldn't stop before I was very badly hurt, he has a lot of anger bottled up. Interestingly enough, after we broke up he finally got counseling, after refusing to do so all the years we had been married. He & I are friends now, & are both happier not being together. And I have the most wonderful loving husband I could ask for in my Jon, he never ever gets angry or upset if I don't want to make love, always has kind words & loving arms to cuddle me in at night, & no matter how tough things get, I am not unhappy because we are together. We can do anything & he is always there for me 100% no matter what. Not that he won't tell me I am being stupid when I am, but he is always good about not saying it in front of others. LOL! I love my life now, & I have the best partner in the world. I am also glad my ex is taking steps to become a better partner for a future partner by getting counseling, I see a lot of good improvements in him. He is a decent guy deep down, just not the right person for me, & he knows he was wrong to act as he did, so I am proud of him for working on getting better.

I'm a mom of 4 and 2 years ago was told I was a victim of domestic violence. I had been subjected to years and years of control and verbal abuse. I left 3 times and this is the last time. My three older children won't talk to me because their father made our marriage such a huge part of their lives. My 11 year old "gets it", saying she"hates what I did, but loves me". She hates that I left her father. Custody hasn't been established yet but I'm going for full custody hoping that she will heal some from being controlled and verbally abused for years as well. The courts actually don't even recognize verbal abuse, which I think is a crime in and of itself.

I am so sorry to hear that! I hope that you get full custody, and that the relationship between you and your children can be repaired some day soon.

Quoting julibean72:

I'm a mom of 4 and 2 years ago was told I was a victim of domestic violence. I had been subjected to years and years of control and verbal abuse. I left 3 times and this is the last time. My three older children won't talk to me because their father made our marriage such a huge part of their lives. My 11 year old "gets it", saying she"hates what I did, but loves me". She hates that I left her father. Custody hasn't been established yet but I'm going for full custody hoping that she will heal some from being controlled and verbally abused for years as well. The courts actually don't even recognize verbal abuse, which I think is a crime in and of itself.

i was emotionally abused for 2 years before I even realized it! I think a lot of women think its only abuse if they hit or scream at them, but theres other kinds too. I was such a strong character in high school and then I met my ex dh. We had dated in high school for a while but I broke it off to go my own way. By the time I met him again, I was 20 and just had a divorce from 1st exdh who cheated on me and was trying to sexually abuse me, and we had an infant son together. Anyways, I saw my 2nd exdh at my gmas house unexpecetedly (he came to visit my family out of the blue with a a few other of my high school friends) and I guess I forgot why we had broke up the first time, because we started dating after that. A year later I was married to him and we had just had our first child together. I thought we would be married forever. But after I had our son, and we got married, he did a 180 and changed so much it was scary. He wasnt loving anymore, he started to try to control everything I did, and anything I did wasnt good enough. He's mexican, but had never even been to mexico, yet he suddenly started to have mexican machismo ways about everything meaning I was below him, I had to have the house spotless even when I worked, I had to have food ready for him when he got home, and it had to be particular food, it couldnt be anything from a can or ready to make, I couldnt even buy beans in a can, I had to make them from scratch everyday like his sister did. His family especially his mother, were terrible to me, caling me lazy and stupid.

He would try to have sex with me everyday, and when I did give in, he would come within 2 or 3 minutes of doing it, every single time, and he never took care of me in that department, he was very selfish. every time i tried to cuddle with him, he would try to have sex with me, it got to the point that i didnt even want to be around him. I realized that suddenly i was no longer that strong woman from my younger years, I was a shell of what i used to be. I even caught myself looking down on my sister for letting her husband change my nephews diaper when she was supposed to do it because she was the woman. I couldnt believe that i had been brainwashed so badly. I tried to give my kids oatmeal for breakfast, but he didnt allow it because he said it wasnt real food, same with cereal. He never ever got up with our kids when they were infants, plus he slept all the time, every day came home and went right to bed, not helping me with the kids, not doing anything, or going anywhere and we were only 22 years old! I even begged him to go to he park, the mall, wherever and when I would ask him for some money just to have, even a dollar he would ask me what for when he provides everything for me.

he got in so many fights with my family over the way he would treat me, even in yelling matches with my mom and grandma who are very strong women, and he always thought he was right. Well, i finally got a job, and started to save money. things went downhill from there. i was working as much as i could and he was watching the kids when i worked in the evening when he got home from work at 1pm. i once asked him what he fed the kids for dinner and he said an orange. i couldnt believe it, when i yelled at him about this, he said that i should have dinner ready already when he got home at 1pm! i laughed at this, because he was serious. i was noticing that i was getting my old self back a little at a time, because i was finally standing up for myself and calling him out on his stupidity. finally i told him it was over. he tried to have sex with me a few nights later, to the point where i was about to threaten him with the cops, but then he left my room. after that he moved out. when we seaprated, i was talking to a guy coworker about my problems, and he was having a lot of issues with his exgf who had cheated on him, and we just clicked after that. we became inseparable and i realized that there are good men out there who dont control and treat a woman right. 4 years later, and a daughter together and we are still going strong, whereas my ex just a baby he didnt want with his on/off again gf and still has the same problems in his relationship that we had in ours...his controlling behavior.

sorry so long, needed to vent, and say that there are happy endings if one only seeks to make them happen.

I am so sorry you had to go through that, but I am happy and proud of you for "becoming your old self" and getting out! *HUGS*

Quoting RoseBlossom:

i was emotionally abused for 2 years before I even realized it! I think a lot of women think its only abuse if they hit or scream at them, but theres other kinds too. I was such a strong character in high school and then I met my ex dh. We had dated in high school for a while but I broke it off to go my own way. By the time I met him again, I was 20 and just had a divorce from 1st exdh who cheated on me and was trying to sexually abuse me, and we had an infant son together. Anyways, I saw my 2nd exdh at my gmas house unexpecetedly (he came to visit my family out of the blue with a a few other of my high school friends) and I guess I forgot why we had broke up the first time, because we started dating after that. A year later I was married to him and we had just had our first child together. I thought we would be married forever. But after I had our son, and we got married, he did a 180 and changed so much it was scary. He wasnt loving anymore, he started to try to control everything I did, and anything I did wasnt good enough. He's mexican, but had never even been to mexico, yet he suddenly started to have mexican machismo ways about everything meaning I was below him, I had to have the house spotless even when I worked, I had to have food ready for him when he got home, and it had to be particular food, it couldnt be anything from a can or ready to make, I couldnt even buy beans in a can, I had to make them from scratch everyday like his sister did. His family especially his mother, were terrible to me, caling me lazy and stupid.

He would try to have sex with me everyday, and when I did give in, he would come within 2 or 3 minutes of doing it, every single time, and he never took care of me in that department, he was very selfish. every time i tried to cuddle with him, he would try to have sex with me, it got to the point that i didnt even want to be around him. I realized that suddenly i was no longer that strong woman from my younger years, I was a shell of what i used to be. I even caught myself looking down on my sister for letting her husband change my nephews diaper when she was supposed to do it because she was the woman. I couldnt believe that i had been brainwashed so badly. I tried to give my kids oatmeal for breakfast, but he didnt allow it because he said it wasnt real food, same with cereal. He never ever got up with our kids when they were infants, plus he slept all the time, every day came home and went right to bed, not helping me with the kids, not doing anything, or going anywhere and we were only 22 years old! I even begged him to go to he park, the mall, wherever and when I would ask him for some money just to have, even a dollar he would ask me what for when he provides everything for me.

he got in so many fights with my family over the way he would treat me, even in yelling matches with my mom and grandma who are very strong women, and he always thought he was right. Well, i finally got a job, and started to save money. things went downhill from there. i was working as much as i could and he was watching the kids when i worked in the evening when he got home from work at 1pm. i once asked him what he fed the kids for dinner and he said an orange. i couldnt believe it, when i yelled at him about this, he said that i should have dinner ready already when he got home at 1pm! i laughed at this, because he was serious. i was noticing that i was getting my old self back a little at a time, because i was finally standing up for myself and calling him out on his stupidity. finally i told him it was over. he tried to have sex with me a few nights later, to the point where i was about to threaten him with the cops, but then he left my room. after that he moved out. when we seaprated, i was talking to a guy coworker about my problems, and he was having a lot of issues with his exgf who had cheated on him, and we just clicked after that. we became inseparable and i realized that there are good men out there who dont control and treat a woman right. 4 years later, and a daughter together and we are still going strong, whereas my ex just a baby he didnt want with his on/off again gf and still has the same problems in his relationship that we had in ours...his controlling behavior.

sorry so long, needed to vent, and say that there are happy endings if one only seeks to make them happen.

I am a survivor of an abusive marriage. I am fortunate enought that I had a big support system and parents/ a family that helped me learn and recognize a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one. A lot of people are not as fortunate.. part of the reason I was so quick to leave my abusive husband was so that my daughter would never think of an abusive relationship as 'normal' and to be able to some day show her what a real love looks like.

I am now engaged to a wonderful, kind, respectful, sweet, gentle, and patient real man. The kind of man I want to raise my daughter with me and someone I would want for my kids. If I can do it, you can!

There is a Great group on Cafemom!! It's called "Domestic Abuse: The Power of Being Free" -- there are women from all walks on the journey to freedom from domestic abuse, women who have been out for years and women who come into the group (just like I did a few years ago) wondering if their husband is really abusive or not. It helped save me :).

I am a survivor of an abusive marriage. I am fortunate enought that I had a big support system and parents/ a family that helped me learn and recognize a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one. A lot of people are not as fortunate.. part of the reason I was so quick to leave my abusive husband was so that my daughter would never think of an abusive relationship as 'normal' and to be able to some day show her what a real love looks like.

I am now engaged to a wonderful, kind, respectful, sweet, gentle, and patient real man. The kind of man I want to raise my daughter with me and someone I would want for my kids. If I can do it, you can!

There is a Great group on Cafemom!! It's called "Domestic Abuse: The Power of Being Free" -- there are women from all walks on the journey to freedom from domestic abuse, women who have been out for years and women who come into the group (just like I did a few years ago) wondering if their husband is really abusive or not. It helped save me :).

As a future Social Worker, I felt it would be good to have a post in the Love and Marriage group that has information about the different types of abuse - and yes, there is more than just physical abuse. I have listed some links below, and I hope that everyone will add more resources and /or stories so that we can keep it on top as a primary resource. Feel free to include resources and information about abuse within an adult relationship, child abuse/neglect, and elder abuse. It's not a fun topic, but I think it's vital that we have these resources available!

Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.