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May 19, 2017

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Shark Tank is a show where entrepreneurs get to pitch their business to five self-made millionaires and billionaires. Besides coordinating a worldwide series of ransomware attacks, Shark Tank is pretty much the only method of upward mobility left for America’s shrinking middle class.

The Tank was been getting small businesses soakin’ wet for EIGHT SEASONS and it just got picked up for its NINTH! They’re even gonna throw a bunch of NEW Sharks into the Tank next year, including Richard Branson, Bethenny Frankel, and Alex Rodriguez. You think we should offer Trump a spot if he agrees to resign? I hate to admit it, but I’d love to watch Trump on Shark Tank. And I bet he’d do it to. Fuck. That honestly might be the only way out of this whole mess. #GetTrumpInTheTank

Anyway, here’s the rundown on this week’s SEASON EIGHT FINALE!

1. Wine and Design, The Art Class for Horny Winos

First to dips their butts in the Tank are Patrick and Harriet Mills, the husband and wife team (or maybe father and daughter team? I honestly can’t tell. And whenever I think I’m about just about to figure it out, I get distracted by Harriet’s statement necklace.) behind Wine and Design.

The Mills get off to a rough start, mostly because they’re asking the Sharks to invest half a million dollars in art classes where you and the work friends you hate get blackout drunk on Yellowtail while you paint-by-numbers, but it doesn’t help that whenever Patrick speaks, it sounds like he’s trying to shout his pitch to the Sharks across a very wide canyon. I guess nerves can still get the best of you, no matter how old you are… 45? 68? 53?

But things pick up (or should I say prick up?!) when the Mills demonstrate their special “Bachelorette Package” and whipout “Richard,” a LIVE. NUDE. MALE. FIGURE. MODEL… PENIS!

The Tank, usually a place where a respectable business person can present their idea for a step-stool that makes you shit more with the utmost decorum, dissolves into chaos. All of the Sharks get a little giggly, but the sight of dong seems to have an absolutely debilitating affect on Barbara. And I mean “debilitating” in the most most literal sense possible. Barbara got one look at that man-meat and her brain blew up like a Samsung Galaxy.

Good money says that Barbara Corcoran was legally dead at some point during this pitch and had to be revived by a PA reading off prime Manhattan real estate listings out loud.

Once Richard puts away his “paint brush,” everybody comes back to their senses and realizes that this is a very dumb idea for business, because anybody could do it. All you need is a box of crayons, a bottle of nail polish remover, and a copy of Playgirl. But Mr. Wonderful makes an offer anyway because he thinks that a room full of people staring at one guy’s schlong is the perfect venue to feature his own brand of high-class wine.

In the portion of the show where we usually catch up with a business featured on the Tank, we’ve got a “Season 8 Recap” which is complete fucking bullshit because that’s what I’m here for, assholes. I thought Shark Tank was about creating jobs, not ripping them out of my soft, callous-less hands! If you dicks are going to keep shipping the shitter step-stool manufacturing jobs overseas, at least let me “create content” in peace.

I will not recap their recap. The only good thing about it was that they found an excuse to show this truly horrible picture of a young Mark Cuban again.

3. Rocket Book, The Notebook For No Good Pinko Commies

The next business giving their taint a quick spritz in the Tank is called Rocket Book. It’s run by two guys who went to Space Camp as kids and never got picked up by their parents.

Rocket Book is a “digitally enabled paper product,” which basically means that it’s a notebook with some kinda app that can send your chicken-scratched grocery list to your idiot assistant, which basically means that it’s a notebook that you can take a photo of with your phone, which basically means that it’s just a notebook. EXCEPT that you can completely erase your ENTIRE Rocket Book by sticking it in the MICROWAVE. Forget what I said before, actually. Rocket Book is “Evernote” meets “Hot Pockets.”

That honestly doesn’t sound like the worst idea to me, but wouldn’t you know that the Sharks go and LAUGH THESE SPACE CADETS OUT OF THE DAMN TANK. A microwaveable notebook is apparently an absolute joke to The Sharks, the very same people who just got into a bidding war over watercolor penis portraits. Sorry, Rocket Book. The Sharks see your reusable notepad, your pitiful, self-sabotaging attempt to slow the all-consuming beast that is Capitalism, and it tickles them.

4. Laid Brand, The Haircare System Run That’s Got A Vile Of Deer Piss And Ain’t Afraid To Use It

Guess who’s dipping their dicks in the Tank next? Why, it’s Laid Brand, the line of haircare products made with a “proprietary blend” of pheromones, the “chemical communicators” that can increase attraction and are naturally produced by the human body.

For those of you who aren’t bio-chemical engineers, allow me to translate: they’ve put piss in their shampoo!

According to Adam, the founder of Laid Brands and the one Shark Tank contestant in the history of the show that I feel most confident was high on cocaine during his pitch, their products will help you get noticed for all of the “right reasons.”

In case you’re not used to getting attention for the body funk you rub into your scalp, allow me to demonstrate just how rewarding that can feel with a short play…

BOSS does that thing where you use your finger to move your lips while making a noise and it means that you’re crazy.

BLACKOUT

The Sharks quickly sniff out Laid Brands (AKA “Head and Shoulders and Taint Sweat”) for the money pit that it is, but still treat it with more respect than Rocket Book, a company with over $2.5 million in sales. Again, I’m not saying that I’m running out to buy a Rocket Book. I’m just asking that the Sharks put these pitches in some semblance of context.

At least Adam seems to be taking it well. Maybe too well? As soon as he hits the hallway, he calls the entire experience “awesome” and goes in for a handshake with his partner like they just got locked up a million dollar investment and weren’t called snake oil salesmen on national television.

We all better hope that the Adam train keeps rolling, because if Adam goes off the tracks, he’s taking everybody with him.

Last to dunk dat ass into the tank is Heather, the inventor of the Bridal Buddy. Bridal Buddy is a large net that you wear over your underwear and use to bunch up your wedding dress so you can take a leak without the help of your bridesmaids and without pissing on your dress and without pissing on your bridesmaids. If that doesn’t sound appealing enough, you should know that when you put your arms through Bridal Buddy’s holes, bunch your dress up around your chest, and tighten the drawstring, you kinda look like a little mushroom! A little peeing mushroom! A little peeing mushroom on the most special day of her life!!!

The Sharks are intrigued, but not entirely sold. Some of them are a little hesitant about the fact that Heather chose to have a family rather than grow her business. In the Sharks’ perfect world, every time someone had an idea for a sponge that is also a bluetooth speaker or an app that delivers muffins for your dog, they’d stick their baby in a basket, throw it in the river, and go HAM on making that dog muffin app happen.

Sensing the Shark’s reluctance, Heather makes an impassioned speech about the mistakes she’s made her life and how she is proof that you can overcome any obstacle.

The Sharks still don’t bite, so Marissa, Heather’s friend/salesperson/bridal-piss-mime steps in and also gives an impassioned speech about what an incredible fighter Heather is and how much she inspires her.

Both women’s words are incredibly moving and both are trying to convince five millionaires to put their money into pee-pee nets which is why Shark Tank is hands down the best show on television.

Lori and Mr. Wonderful are so touched that they put in an offer to buy 75% of the company and give 25% to Marissa, the woman who has spent most of this pitch sitting on a fake toilet, because they believe she is that integral to Bridal Buddy’s success. This move causes a huge uproar in the Tank. It’s not as big of an uproar as when the Sharks saw Richard’s dick, but it’s enough to make Lori and Mr. Wonderful drop their equity requirement for Marissa. Poor Marissa went from a shot at becoming a millionaire back to a lifetime of pretending to piss herself in a wedding dress like that.

After a little hemming and hawing, Heather finally says “I do” to Lori and Mr. Wonderful. Congratulations, you two! You’re in the bride-to-pee business! Get it? Like “bride-to-be?” But with piss?!