Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Jonas' 2nd birthday in heaven will be this Monday coming up. To say my heart has been a wreck is an understatement. I am coming to find out that the days leading up to the day he died are actually harder than the day he died. I can remember so many things the last days he was alive kicking inside of me. He was such a sweet baby. Even from inside the womb I could tell his personality. He never really kicked super hard, he would take the tops of his toes and fingernails and rub the inside of my stomach. It would make me laugh all the time, I felt like I was getting tickled from the inside-out :) I craved seafood like a mad man! I limited my intake of seafood to a bowl of clam chowder a month because I was worried about consuming mercury even though the doctors said I could have 6-12oz a week. And oh man I wanted chocolate like no other. I remember the first trimester I thought for sure Jonas was a girl because my cravings for chocolate were so strong. With Jackson and Joe all I wanted was raw almonds and scrambled eggs.

I remember the Tuesday before Jonas died I was at Enrichment and went on a walk with my friends Sarah and Lynette. I remember stopping on the sidewalk because I had a nice contraction and I said he is totally coming this week! I went and sat down inside the church and looked down and saw Jonas moving all over my stomach. I love the sight of a pregnant belly moving like there is a alien about to pop out :) I remember Thursday morning my sweet friend Ashlee kissing my tummy at playgroup and talking to Jonas saying how excited she was to be holding him in a few days and to hurry up and come out. I remember a couple hours after that I went to see Iron Man 2 with Josh while Jack was being babysat by a friend of mine. I told Josh I can feel he is coming tomorrow (the 11th) so we better go have one last outing before were juggling 2 little guys :) It was during Iron Man 2 when I started to feel his movements decrease.

After our date we went to pick up Jack from my friend Holly's home and I told her Jonas is not moving that much and she said you better go to Labor & Deliver right now. And I remember saying some pretty shocking words to her, words that I would have to face up to less than 24 hours later. I said to her, "If something was wrong and he (Jonas) had to get out right this moment there is no way I would make it to the hospital in time, if Jonas was meant to die there would be nothing I could do to stop it, it would all be in Heavenly Father's hands." I remember the look on Holly's face and the look on Josh's face. And I thought to myself, why the heck did I just say that?!? I then laid down on her couch and did a kick count. I got 10 in about 2 minutes and I said, "He's good, just squished, just like Jack was..." Jack did not move a lot the week before he was delivered and all the NSTs showed he was just getting cramped in my stomach.

Later that night I went to watch Josh play dodgeball and saw my friend Sarah again and another friend Sandy and told them Jonas' movements are slowing down. I asked them if that happened to them and I remember Sandy saying, "They do get cramped in there towards the end." I remember Sarah saying she agreed, but to remember I'm the mom and I would know best if something is not right. I am Jonas' mom and I can't tell you how many times I wish over and over again I would have just gotten up out of the movie theater while we were watching Iron Man 2 and gone to the hospital!!!!! Would Jonas be here today....NO he would not because I know he was not meant to stay here no matter what I did. I do know this, but that guilt still lingers in the back of my mind and it will take a long time to get over that guilt. We do not know the cause of Jonas' death, but I believe his cord got kinked and cut off his oxygen supply. He was "sunny side up" (posterior), which means he was head down, but his belly was facing my belly button instead of my spine. I believe he tried to rollover to be in the correct position, pinched his cord and that is when his oxygen supply got cut off, he passed away and then he went back into his posterior position. I believe this because just after midnight on the 11th I was doing last minute grocery shopping in Walmart. I was over by the bananas and I remember stopping and hunching over because he was making a huge movement, it didn't feel like a contraction it felt like he was trying to turn. I remember my friend Jacquie was out late doing her grocery shopping and she came running over to see if I was ok. I said to her, "He's trying to get into position to be delivered! He is posterior and I think he just turned and is in the correct position!" I then told her, "I bet you 10 bucks he's coming in the morning!!!" I had the biggest grin on my face, that was the last time I felt him move. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and change things. Jonas was born in the posterior position, so that is why I think he tried to flip over, but it did not work.

You can read the rest of Jonas birth story here. I remember during delivery I asked my amazing nurse Codi and my incredible Dr. Hutchinson a million questions about what I could have done to cause Jonas to die. I remember Codi saying do not play that "What if game." I remember Dr. Hutchinson saying there is nothing I could have done to change things. I remember him telling me in an emergency c-section you have about 2 minutes to get the baby out. I remember thinking what I said to my friend Holly and I knew there was no way I could even get to the hospital in 2 minutes, but if I would have left during the movie....see I'm still doing the what if game in my head... :(

I have to keep one foot in heaven because it brings so much peace. I know I will see Jonas again, I know he was not meant to stay here, I truly believe these things. It's just so hard to keep the horrific memories out of my head of delivering my sweet baby boy with no life in him. Seeing his dead, limp little body cannot be erased from my mind. Watching my husband sob over our precious little guy crushes my heart. Watching Jack walk into the room so thrilled to hold his baby brother and having to tell him over and over again that he is not sleeping, he is dead...it breaks my heart a million times over. I remember the days following Jonas' death I thought I would never be able to smile again, laugh again, but some how I did and I know this is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. He knows our sorrows and I feel so much strength and love from Him. He has made it possible for us to live with our loved ones forever. I know my sweet boy is with Him. I know there was a specific reason Jonas could not stay here and this will all make sense one day. I am grateful for all Jonas has taught me already. He has given me so much compassion for others. He has given me the strongest determination to make sure I do my best to help those around me and most importantly to love one another.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Jack went shooting with Josh and he did awesome! This kid is going to have an amazing shot. He hit the bulls-eye 4 times!

And if you ever come by our home you need to play Jack in foosball too! I will definitely be putting him in foosball tournaments when he gets older. By the time he is 8 he will be kicking my trash big time in foosball! :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I just had to write about a neat experience today. Jackson scored a goal at his soccer game so I told him I would take him to get a treat after the game. He wanted frozen yogurt and there is literally a Menchies about 500ft from where his game was. But I felt like I should take him to a family owned place called Chillz that I have never been to, that was several miles away and out of the way... It was odd, but the feeling was so strong to go so I did...

We were in there for about 25 minutes and there was no one else in there. It's a nice place, they had thin mint yogurt that was delicious. I thought is this why I was suppose to come in here, for the girl scout cookie flavored yogurt? It is my favorite, but I still felt like I was missing the reason I was there. We were almost done and then I saw this cute mom walk in with 2 boys.

I smiled and watched them pick out all their favorite toppings. They sat down behind us. Joe and I sat there while Jack finished up his yogurt and this sweet woman asked how old Joe is and I told her he will be 1 next month. She asked what day and said that her boy was born in May as well. I thought that was neat and asked which boy of hers was born in May. She said, "He is not here." I looked at her a little funny and thought she said that kinda like I do when I bring up Jonas :) She asked how many kids I have and I said 3 boys too. She said, "Well where is your 3rd boy?" I told her he is in heaven and she told me that is where her other son is too! We were both kind of surprised. I knew in that instant that was why I was suppose to go to Chillz. It made my whole week meeting her and her cute boys. We talked for awhile and it was so comforting to meet another mom that understands the pain of trying to live life with a son in heaven. Jackson talked about her cute boys all the way home. Jack said, "It was so cool I got to play with them while Jonas gets to play with their brother in heaven." And of course that caused tears to stream down my face, but it brings comfort at the same time that he is starting to realize he is not the only one with a sibling in heaven.

It's been a hard week. My neighbor's 1 year old dog that we all love was hit and killed instantly. I know he is not a human, but it's another young life that was cut short :( My dear sister Liz has been trying so hard to adopt a child and she was so close to getting twin girls, but it did not work out. My heart is aching for her and I hope and pray soon that some more little ones can join their family. It is also the 2 year anniversary of one my BLMs Annette who lost her little girl Valentina. They have been on my mind all week and honestly it is showing me that the heartache of loosing a child does not lessen one bit no matter how much time passes.

I am so thankful to meet Alesha today. It was yet another sign that Heavenly Father and our Savior are real and they put certain people in our path to show how much they love us.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

It is a beautiful day. This is the first holiday since Jonas died that I didn't wake up sad. I think it has a lot to do with how much I was uplifted during general conference last week and most importantly it has everything to do with the Atonement. I know most people when they think of the Atonement, they think of how Jesus Christ suffered on the cross. We often think of how he suffered for all our sins. He also suffered all of our heart aches. He understands how we feel in all situations. He understands how my heart has broken and I long for my little Jonas to be here. The Atonement is such an amazing and beautiful gift. My heart hurts so bad, but at the same time I feel so much peace and comfort. I know that is only possible because of the Atonement. I KNOW I will see Jonas again and that was made possible because of our Savior. If I can keep one foot in heaven and one foot here on earth, I am not so sad because I remember that Jonas is not gone, he is close by and part of our family forever. I wish it wasn't so hard to be here without him, but he has taught me and the rest of our family so much.

I love all my boys. It is so sweet to see Joe and Jack play together. Jackson tells me all the time that Jonas is there too playing with them. It makes me so happy that Jack thinks of Jonas just as much as I do. He brings him up almost everyday. I know a lot of people probably are worried to talk about Jonas with me, but please never fear that, I always love talking about him and there is not a day that goes by that he is not on my mind.

Joe is almost 11 months old!!! I cannot believe how fast time has gone by. He says dog, Dada, Momma and waves hi. He is starting to crawl. I am sure he would be walking by now if I was not cuddling him constantly. I love this little guy. He is so sweet and happy. He LOVES eating butternut squash and potatoes and chicken from our Yellow Thai Curry! He also loves sweet peas! He loves blowing raspberries and will laugh hysterically when you play peek-a-boo.

Jack is awesome! He is such a great big brother. He watches out for Joe constantly. It is the sweetest thing to witness. Joe's face lights up every time Jack is in the room. Jack and I have been playing the old school Mario Brothers Game on Friday night game nights. Josh is always working on the weekends and it use to bum me out that I didn't really have the opportunity to "go out" on a Friday night, but it doesn't bug me anymore because Jack is so fun to hang out with. I can talk to him about anything and we have a blast throwing a ball around, playing board games, watching a silly movie, exercising with Jillian Michaels :), making treats (of course after we exercise :), going for walks with Copper, etc. Jack had his kindergarten orientation a few days ago. I started to cry when we walked over to the school. Josh said, "Jen it's only the orientation." Oh gees I can only imagine how it will be on the first day of school! Thank heavens it is only half day kindergarten. I cherish every moment I have with these little guys, it goes by SO fast!

Cute little chunky monkey! You would never guess this little guy was a premie!