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Articles tagged with: grief

“There’s a reason for everything”, I’ve heard this a lot lately but I don’t know if I believe this. I like to think the universe and everything in it is in some kind of strange harmony but it’s times like this when it doesn’t make any sense that makes me think there is no rhyme nor reason.

In case you don’t know, I’m in charge of a very small department at work, there’s only four of us (including myself). Two of us meticulously manipulate lots of data & records, the genius ‘computer guy’ works on all 1000 computers and the network, I do the audio/video, paperwork, meetings, and a little of the computer stuff. Last month was really busy, it was the start of the school year so it’s always cRaZy but the only part that’s important to this story is that the computer guy was off for a few weeks since they were having their second baby his wife works elsewhere in the district so we all know her. I probably mentioned to you how insane it was at that time (plus that’s when I was sick which made it even more insane). I don’t know how we made it without him for those few weeks, it seemed like everything that went wrong were all in the areas that I had the least expertise, the few weeks he was back were wonderful!

If you haven’t figured it out by now this story isn’t about me, it’s about the ‘computer guy’ and to move this story along we unfortunately just have to rip off the band-aid to get to the next part –

Early this Monday morning, completely and utterly out of the blue he just died. He was unconscious, they don’t know why and they couldn’t revive him and I don’t know if they’ll ever even figure out what happened. I’d have said he was a pretty healthy guy, he was 37 and he could have easily passed for thirty, so it’s just bizarre…

To me, this makes no sense. There is no reason. Everyone keeps talking about it different ways. I know I’ll hear it all again and they’ll probably say something like that at the funeral. But it just makes no sense to me. He had a wife he was in love with and two babies; to me, there is nothing more important than that. It’s just hard for me to be convinced there is some reason, some higher purpose that I don’t understand that’s suppose to make it all make sense in the end.

It seems like a pretty simple process to me – if the universe needs someone for ‘some other purpose’ you leave the happy couple with the newborn babies alone and you grab someone else. Unfortunately, if I were creating the formula it would weigh heavily against me – the single people who hadn’t managed to get married and didn’t have any kids should go before the couple with the babies. It just seems like a pretty simple concept to me and if we all understood the formula we could all be fruitful and multiply and live happily ever after…In case you haven’t figured it out yet I’m a pretty emotional guy. And this has been so very difficult for me probably mostly because of the surprise and shock of it all. Most other people that I’ve known who died it wasn’t a surprise, they’d been sick or old or something was going on so you kinda knew it was coming. Or it was someone I hadn’t really known well or seen for a while. It certainly wasn’t someone I was expecting to see in the next few hours. Somehow those things make it easier to take, at least it has for me in the past.

Plus, I haven’t even seen the baby yet. I don’t know what difference it makes if I see him later or if I had already, but it sure makes me feel bad. I know he knows I love kids and he won’t get to see me get excited over that. It’s just a stupid thing I can’t shake, but it’s bothering me a lot.

This isn’t the last I’ll be talking about life and the universe and actually living/experincing life, I’ve been thinking about these things a lot lately but I was feeling some were a little morbid and strange to talk about but maybe now I will.

Obviously, this is the short version of the story, the long version requires more details (which I’m not going to post here) and of course that even gets sadder than what is (bluntly) told here. I’ve rewritten parts of this a dozen times, but I can’t get it to feel how I want, I guess that’s why I’m a tech guy and not a novelist. And some of this isn’t written in the correct person/tense since I’ve been mulling it over and editing it the last few days.