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President to Appoint first Muslim to Supreme Court

[An exclusive cutting edge “edgy” report on a wacky world from Views from the Edge]

Washington, D.C., Feb. 16, 2016

On the heels of The Onion’s announcement that President Obama is preparing “a short list of gay, transsexual abortion doctors” to fill the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by the sudden death of Justice Antonin Scalia (The Onion, Feb. 15), an anonymous source from the Office of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) notified Views from the Edge of President Obama’s secret plan to appoint Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) to become the first Muslim to sit on the nation’s highest court.

Mr. Ellison, an African American civil rights leader and criminal defense attorney, is the first Muslim elected to the U.S. Congress. Mr. Ellison quickly rose to leadership positions in the Congressional Black Caucus. He is one of only two members of Congress to support Democratic Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders’ bid for the Presidency. President Obama, according to the source, will make the appointment during the Congressional recess at a Black Lives Matter event at a time and location yet to be determined.

When Views from the Edge asked Senator Cruz’s Office to confirm the story, Senator Cruz, a Republic candidate for President, took the call himself, calling Obama a liar who has done great harm to this country and re-affirming his position that the Senate will block any nomination made by America’s secret Muslim President. “Congress will never recess before a new president is inaugurated in 2017,” said the Senator. “I look forward to making that appointment. I have a short-list ready to go.”

Asked whether the alleged nomination of Mr. Ellison would be worse than the appointment of someone from the President’s shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors revealed by The Onion, Senator Cruz took the opportunity to denounce Donald Trump as a non-Republican, closeted liberal suspected of a longtime friendship with a New York liberal Presbyterian obstetrician with well-known tendencies, and declared that Trump’s nominee to replace Justice Scalia on the Court would be no better, and perhaps worse, than Mr. Obama’s.

When pressed for the names on his list of potential nominees, Mr. Cruz said it would be inappropriate at this time except to say it includes a committed Christian university president serving in Lynchburg, VA and a radio talk-show host he was in no rush to name.

Methinks if Views from the Edge had a personal phone conversation with Sen. Cruz, this would be a good time to take the Lysol to the phone receiver as well as a very long hot shower to wash away any contamination from said Senator.

Dear Someone: Shower already taken. Mr. Clean used on phone. Hearing aids cleaned by hearing aid sterilizer at the hearing clinic, and a drink now poured in honor of the NPR piece published today about Leonard Nemoy (Spock) who, though presumed to be dead, murdered Cruz’s friend at the ranch in TX.