Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Moment

There have been so many moments of time lately where I have to stop and take it all in. I am trying very hard not to forget a single thing that happened. I don't think I will forget but just in case that is why I'm writing it all down. There was one moment when I did not think I was going to make it to the hospital to see my son in time. I knew he was dying and I could feel it happening without me. Because I was at a different hospital I had to wait to get released to go and see Joseph. My sister waiting with the car to take me... We got to the car and I got a text message from Paul. Where are you he asked? I'm leaving the hospital I am on my way I said. OK I love you. I knew things had taken a turn and I could feel the anguish in his call. As we drove toward the 51 exit ramp... another text. Are you almost here? Yes, I said and you tell them to wait. YOU TELL THEM TO WAIT. I love you please hurry is the reply. Oh my god this is really happening. Joseph is dying and I am not there to hold him. My sister dropped me off at the door. I am running down the hall. I am there. I made it. There he is.. He is holding on for me. As I arrive all of the alarms are ringing in the isolate. He is having a very hard time. The nurses change him to a respirator so that I can hold him. I am going to hold my baby for the first and the last time. I made it. He held on for me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for waiting for me. For giving me that precious time with you in my arms. I am grateful for you and for every second you were here. I love you so much.. mom.

2 comments:

Brandy, I am so grateful that little by little you are telling the story...the whole story of you, Paul's and Joseph's story. It's too big a story to tell it all at once I know. But as each chapter emerges, I am so grateful to be able to share every moment you spent with your son. It's so important for me...it makes Joseph more and more a part of me, too.

I've been sitting with what I would send to Joseph for Christmas...and then, as it always happens, the message I want to write to him came through yesterday. Today I will write the letter to include in his card and will send it....

Joseph Henry Jean

A Mothers Love

My name is Brandy Jean. I love my Family. My first born baby...His name is Joseph Henry Jean lives in heaven. I live in Arizona with my husband and our little's...rainbow Jonathan and the twins, Wren and Bryn... Joseph Henry was born on 10/15/2009. He died on 10/16/2009 due to multiple organ failure. My placenta abrupted and he did not get enough oxegyn during emergency C-Section. We love our son. Our life... and what our son taught us is how we are living today. What an incredible journey. Along with Loss we are survivors of Infertility... Join me in my journey through grief... Life with our "littles" With Joseph in our hearts and love that streatches from here to heaven.