Tuesday, January 25, 2005

On Why Ex-Boyfriends Suck

The next time I try to be friends with an ex-boyfriend and invite him and his wife or girlfriend to a party, will somebody please punch me?

I just got a response from an old "friend" of ten years...or who I thought was a old, dear, friend; we dated in college and had remained friends...to a birthday party invite I sent him.

In his response to my invite, he basically told me that:

1) He had gotten married and hadn't invited me to the wedding2) That he wasn't going to come because his new wife didn't approve of us being friends3) That he agreed because he didn't think that they were solid enough in their relationship yet to start renewing acquaintances with people from their dating past.

His email was so cold and distant...I just feel verbally and emotionally bitch-slapped.

If they aren't solid enough, what the FUCK were they doing getting married? Having done that dance twice, I'll tell you right now: this is not a good sign.

Here are a couple of questions to ponder:Why would she worry that he would step out on her so soon after their marriage?Maybe because he married her because she has money? Because she's a hosebeast? Because he's not getting good sex? I dunno...I've never met her - the fucker didn't invite me to the goddamn wedding, even though he came to my first one and was invited to both.

Why would he worry that she might step out on him? Maybe because the last time I saw him, he:

Had actually gotten WORSE in bed. That's not supposed to happen.

Has horrible, horrible back acne.

Can't stop looking in mirrors every time he passes one by. In fact, he seems to feel compelled to look at one if it's there at least six times during any given conversation.

Was called "GQ" in college for a reason - and it wasn't a good one.

Is so materialistic he makes Ivana Trump look like a housefrau country bumpkin.

Takes longer to get ready than any woman I've ever met, and may very well be Ivana Trump - if she was a really tired drag queen.

Has a nearly OCD-type bathing/cleaning ritual that would make Felix Unger look like a slob.

Despite all his education from his rich parents, and his current law degree that he's working on, he really isn't that bright. It doesn't take much brain power to spit back facts and figures; it does, however, take some neuron-firing to know how to use common fucking sense.

Is about as interesting and exciting to talk to as a bag of rocks. The boy doesn't read anything except law school books - and that's only because he's in classes.

Engages in nothing but ridiculously self-indulgent conversation

Has a desire to wear his hair in a wind-tunnel tested hairdo inspired by The Fonz - which is really just a lame excuse to hide the rapidly-growing bald spot on the back of his head

AND... Has a true lack of feeling for animals - he hated my ferrets and is not really that fond of cats and dogs.

He ended it with "email me sometime, though; you are a friend and I hope we can maybe meet again someday in the future," or some happy horseshit.

I can honestly say, with sincere conviction, from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head:

CONTACT ORNERY WOMAN

We LOVE mail! Absolutely adore it! Drop us a line if you want...let us know what you're thinking. Also...

WE WANT MORE WRITERS!!!

If you would like to write for Ornery Woman, please send a link to your blog or three samples of your writing, plus a brief blurb about yourself and why you would like to write on the site to: Ornerywoman [at] gmail [dot] com