Beer Bra

"...turn an A cup in to double Ds AND sport your favorite beverage..."

I thought I'd seen it all; I've been a beer-drinker for many a year and muckle have I seen. There’s all manner of glassware, pewter and whatnot all designed with one delightful task in view; that of drinking beer. I’ve seen beer hats, kilts that boast the ability to carry 20 bottles of beer, I’ve seen folk drink from yards of ale. I’ve been in pubs which serve their beer from glass chamber pots, seen men drink beer from a welly, but until today I have never seen anything so outrageous, so bizarre and so just-plain-wrong as this new technology.

This is, as its name suggests, a container (or possibly a pair) shaped after the human female bosom and designed to fit in an upper female undergarment. You may doubt, you may scoff, but it’s a genuine product and it does appear to meet a genuine need. After all, say the distributors, who wants to carry several bottles or cans into a sporting event, or some other venue where they don’t allow you to drink anything other than their (frequently overpriced) fizz?

Any invention designed to dispense beer from boob-shaped containers is going to hit several snags, not all of them mundane. First, the technical issues; there are a couple of problems that I foresee with this device. I’m wary enough of beer in cans or growlers without worrying about whatever plasticky substance might taint the taste of ale. I wonder what it’s made of, and whether that material (presumably some specie of plastic) would affect your drink; after all, those "safe" acrylic glasses one is forced to quaff from occasionally do affect the flavour. The thought of supping beer from a plastic container through a rubber hose doesn't fill me with glee. Oh, maybe I should have pointed this out earlier - no, you don't drink from the nipples. That would be wrong on almost every level I can think of.

The second problem I consider to be temperature-related. Most people fuss about beer being served at anything even approaching room temperature, so you’d need to consider the effect of having a couple of pints of cold beer strapped to your boobs. The least worry would be the chill factor on the, um, nipples, there's also the effect of enjoyment of the beer itself as its temperature approaches body heat! Maybe avoid those lagers that need to be served at close to freezing, and serve fuller-bodied darker brews that need to be served warmer.

The beer bra is available in different (bra) sizes, and does enhance the bust; indeed the manufacturers boast that "you can turn an A cup in to double D". As if this is not enough, it turns out that there's a similar product for men, dubbed (appropriately enough) the Beer Belly. It’s an odd world and it gets odder each day, and this is more proof, as if it were needed.