Sunday, July 29, 2012

2001. My first Edinburgh Festival. I still remember stepping off the train at Waverley Station and being SO excited to see a man in full Highland dress: the tartan kilt, the sporran, the bagpipes, the lot … Yes, I’d just seen my first real American Tourist.

2003. I shared a three bedroom flat with a mime artist and a fire eater… it was very quiet but very hot.

2004. Excited. My show received 5 stars. 1 from the Guardian, 1 from The Scotsman, 1 from the Observer, 1 from the...yeah, yeah, you get the joke.

2005. I was introduced to a top TV Producer who, in-between sniffs, said he loved my comedy and he’d really like to work with me in the future… which should have been flattering but this coked-up wanker didn’t remember he’d sacked me from a TV show the previous month.

2008. Parents visited the Festival. They wanted to stay at the Holiday Inn because Holiday Inn offers a choice of 5 different pillow types: soft, firm, non-allergenic, eiderdown, or duck feathers. But it was too expensive so they stayed at Travel Lodge, where they only had the choice of 2 pillows: stained with semen or stained with blood.

2009. The critics said my show lacked direction. I did it in Glasgow. Boom! (If you half close your eyes and squint that’s almost a joke. Oh, fuck off...)

2010. All I remember was the ever-changing weather. It was hot. It was cold. It was sunny. It was raining. It was like the whole city was going through the menopause.

2011. My most successful Edinburgh Festival yet. I didn’t go.

2012. My agent thinks I’ve gone mental. I have a special Fringe offer: buy a ticket for my show, send me a photo of it, and I’ll take you to Lord Bodo’s bar on York Place, and I’ll get you a beer. My agent thinks this is financial suicide. Maybe it is - but it sure beats drinking alone.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I’m picking reasonably priced places, because during the Festival there's no time to cook and you’ll be eating out a lot. Anyway, save your money for buying tickets to see "Jo Caulfield - Thinking Bad Thoughts"...

MUMS. 20 Forrest Road, Edinburgh EN1 2QN

If my Mum had cooked like this I would never have left home. It’s comfort food but cooked from scratch with quality ingredients. Bangers and Mash, macaroni cheese, shepherds pie, veggie Haggis, neeps and tatties. With that stomach lining you’re ready for a serious night of festival drinking. And they play fantastic music. If you want to eat a Chicken and Rosemary Pie while listening to Iggy Pop, this is the place.

CAFE ANDALUZ. 77 George Street, Edinburgh EH2 3 EE

I love Cafe Andaluz, delicious food and a good wine list. I like the informality of Tapas, by that I mean you can eat other people’s food and it’s totally acceptable. I always wish I’d ordered what other people are eating and with Tapas you can ditch your ‘mistakes’ and help your self to everyone else’s plates. I’ve been here several times with other comedians and we always go crazy with the menu. The last time the waitress told us we were ordering far too many dishes. How fantastic is that? She didn’t want us to waste our money. Mind you, she also said we’d ordered far too much wine - we soon proved her wrong.

DELICIOUS ITALIAN. 27a Marchmont Road, Edinburgh EH9 1HY

A small Italian in Marchmont. Less of a restaurant, more of a takeaway. Their Putenesca is really tasty and comes with free garlic bread. I also like the fact that the owner always calls my husband “Boss” – how ironic! As if my husband is allowed to be in charge of anything! And Marchmont wines is right next door! How convenient is that? Why not pick up a pizza and a bottle of wine and spend a couple of hours on the Meadows.

Beautiful, romantic, classy - but enough about me. If you want to treat yourself but not actually spend a fortune, go for the set lunch or early dinner at The Witchery. The food is wonderful but you’re mainly going for the look of the place. It’s gothic chic done by gay men; huge candlesticks, winding stone stairs, swathes of rich velvet and thrones as chairs.

The staff are very welcoming and will let you have a good look round (although they wouldn’t let me snoop round the managers office).

'JO CAULFIELD - THINKING BAD THOUGHTS' at The Stand Comedy Club

BOX OFFICE: 0131 558 7272

SPECIAL OFFER: Buy a ticket now, send me proof and I'll take you to the bar opposite The Stand, after the show, and get you a beer!

Monday, July 16, 2012

I just can’t control my big mouth. Apparently I don’t have the ‘polite conversation gene’ that most normal people have. I’ll notice something, say it out loud to my friends and they’ll react in horror.

So this show is me letting out all my bad thoughts…

Like, I read Abercrombie & Fitch have policy where they only employ slim, attractive young people, and it made me think, “I wonder if Greggs The Baker have the exact opposite policy?”

And, if health food is so fucking good for you, why does everyone working in those shops look like a cadaver?

I also found out I'm NOT legally married to my husband! We got hitched 10 years ago in New York but apparently we didn’t fill in all the correct paperwork. So that got me thinking…… “Hey, I’m single, what would it be like to be single again?? Would I choose to marry the same person??”

I also found out I’m NOT legally married to

How many Fringe shows is that now?

This is my 9th show. But I prefer to count my career in dog years, so this is actually my first Fringe show and I’m only 21. For the 25 time.

I think when I get to 10 shows they should let me do a “Supermarket Sweep” round Harvey Nichols.

Do you prefer TV, radio or live stand up?

I like them all. I just filmed Mock The Week and I’ve a show on BBC Radio Scotland at the moment, “Laughing In All The Right Places”, it’s me interviewing comedians about traveling the world doing comedy.

But ultimately I prefer the freedom of live Stand-Up. I can say anything I like and no one can ‘edit’ me. And I like having audience involvement in my Edinburgh shows, so every show is different. And we’ve talked about everything! Last time I asked audience members where they lost their virginity. The show before that I asked how many sexual partners they’d had.

You are hugely popular with gay men and women.

Well gay people have very good taste!

I used to work behind the bar at Bang in London, which then changed its name to G.A.Y. (like Bang wasn’t obvious enough?), and I spent 5 years writing on the BAFTA winning Graham Norton TV show, so I’m a full-time card-carrying fag hag.

Gay audiences bring out the worst in me, it’s like being egged on by your mates. I will be even meaner and more outrageous because I know you will love it!

I do think it’s very important that my show is inclusive; it’s not just heterosexuals who hate their partners.

You’ve done a fair bit of TV acting too.

Yes, this year along with “Thinking Bad Thoughts” I’m also doing a play with Phil Jupitus called Coalition. It’s a comedy about the coalition government. I play the Lib Dem Chief Whip. I’m completely cynical and have some killer lines, basically I just come on, act like a complete bitch and leave ……it’s such a stretch!

Is it true that you started in comedy by setting up your own club in a bar basement?

I actually started by entering an open-mic competition on a dare when I was drunk. I was so drunk I can’t remember being on stage let alone anything I said. But I won the competition! I went back to that club the following week and performed sober. I died on my arse! That’s when the MC told me the best way to get good is to perform every week. So I borrowed £50, bought a microphone and small amp, and set up my own club in a basement bar opposite Hampstead Heath.

It was a great room, brick walls, low ceiling and a little cocktail bar in the corner, perfect for comedy; or a brothel, but I went with the comedy. By running a club I got to learn about the business and was able to watch really good comedians. Also, because it was my club, I could book myself every week!

Of all the comics appearing on the fringe this year, who makes you laugh the most?

Jo Caulfield.

What do you love/hate about Edinburgh?

I love the fact that you can stand on Princess Street, in the middle of the city, and still see mountains and the sea. The countryside is right there but so is Zara and Top Shop. That’s the ideal way to see the countryside.

It’s such a beautiful city. Walking home after a night-out is like being drunk in Fairy Town. And the people are so friendly. Especially in Scotmid. Oh sorry, I’ve just confused friendliness with nosiness.

I don’t think there’s anything I hate about Edinburgh, apart from tourists standing in the middle of the pavement OBLIVIOUS TO PEOPLE THAT WANT TO GET PASSED THEM!

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Hello Scottish People - or as you would say “Hoots mon, are you wintin’ a wee jam piece?"

I have NO idea what that means, but I’ve heard my Aberdonian Mother-In-Law say it several times.

Right, here goes...

The Edinburgh Festival kicks off next month, so why not put on your cleanest trackie, jump the ticket barrier and come to Auld Reekie for some culture?

If you DO visit Edinburgh during the Festival, don't forget my ALL NEW show:

JO CAULFIELD

"THINKING BAD THOUGHTS"

8.15pm at The Stand Comedy Club

I'll be asking: Why are drunken girlfriends so much fun? Who watches hotel pornography? What constitutes an airtight alibi? Is friendliness overrated?

The answers are yours for the price of admission. And your dignity.

Box Office: 0131 558 7272

*SPECIAL FRINGE OFFER*

If you buy a ticket before Sunday 15th July & email me a photo of the ticket, I'll meet you in the bar opposite The Stand after the show and GET YOU A BEER. Then you can talk to me in that funny accent of yours and I’ll nod my head and smile and pretend I understand what your saying. Is that a deal?

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Hello Glasgow - or as you would say “Are ye awright, Hen? Are you wintin’ a wee jam piece?"

I have NO idea what that means, but I’ve just seen it on a Teach Yourself Glaswegian Slang website so it must be true.

Right, here goes...

The Edinburgh Festival kicks off next month, so why not put on your cleanest trackie, jump the ticket barrier and come through for a swatch?

Please bring your Young Team and hold your wheesht during the show.

If you DO come through to the Festival, don't forget my ALL NEW show:

JO CAULFIELD

"THINKING BAD THOUGHTS"

8.15pm at The Stand Comedy Club

It's dead pure magic, so it it, by the way.

If you'd like to get your Frankie Vaughn's on a ticket... (Seriously? Glaswegian's say Frankie Vaughan's for hawns (hands)??) ...anyway, you can get your Frankie's on a ticket by phoning the Stand Box Office: 0131 558 7272

*SPECIAL FRINGE OFFER*

If you buy a ticket before Friday 3rd August and email me a photo of the ticket, I'll meet you in the bar opposite The Stand after the show and GET YOU A BEER. Then you can talk to me in that funny accent of yours and I’ll nod my head and smile and pretend I understand what your saying. Is that a deal?

This is your reminder to book some train tickets in advance & get them cheaper.

If you DO come down to the Festival don't forget my show:

JO CAULFIELD

"THINKING BAD THOUGHTS"

8.15pm at The Stand Comedy Club

(*FRINGE SPECIAL* If you buy a ticket before Sunday 15th July & email me a photo of the ticket, I'll meet you in the bar opposite The Stand after the show and get you a beer. Then we can talk about The Inversneckie Cafe, the Ashvale chippie, the Rosemount Bar, Johnny Hewitt's goal against Bayern Munich, etc, etc...)

Will I be talking about my Aberdonian husband in the show? Of course I will!

About Me

Jo Caulfield is one of the most successful and instantly recognisable comedians in the UK.
Jo has been nominated as "Funniest Woman" (LAFTA Awards), "Best Female Stand-Up" (Chortle Awards) and one of "The 100 Greatest Stand-Ups" (Channel4).
The Guardian calls her “Scathing, bitchy and intelligent with masses of attitude", while The Observer advocates "Jo Caulfield is an inspiration to all would-be female comedians".
A regular guest on "Mock The Week", “Have I Got News For You” and “Never Mind The Buzzcocks”, Jo is also the star of her own critically acclaimed Radio 4 comedy show “It’s That Jo Caulfield Again”.
“Many of the points Jo Caulfield makes about the human condition would have sociologists stroking their beards in admiration, but her audiences tend to be laughing too much to notice” – The Times.
“Pick of the day. Scathing, bitchy and sharp-witted comedy” – Radio Times.