Are Young Women With Older Men Looking for a Daddy?

After the wedding of a celebrity husband and his much younger wife, media coverage invariably focuses on the inappropriateness of the age gap. Whether it’s the new dad George Clooney (56) and his 18-year-younger wife, Amal, or Donald Trump (70) and his First Lady, Melania (age 47), commentators become psychoanalysts, suggesting that the younger woman is clearly seeking a father figure. Similar stories are triggered by the (much less-common) pairing of a younger man with an older woman, as with 39-year-old French president Emmanuel Macron, and his wife, Brigitte, 64. The rarity of such weddings make them novelties, but not fodder for the same type of speculation.

It’s well known that men tend to marry women younger than themselves, a pattern that leads to increasingly unbalanced male-to-female gender ratios as you move up to older and older age groups. Men also have a lower life expectancy than women, leaving women in the 75-and-up age bracket with fewer and fewer choices of heterosexual partners. An age difference of up to 10 years is generally not looked at askance by anyone who knows how old each partner is, but as that gap gets closer to 20, things start to look a bit more off balance. Once a man is literally old enough to be a woman’s father (or vice versa, for older women), public opinion starts to shift from acceptance to skepticism.

St. Mary’s University’s (Halifax) Sara Skentelbery and Darren Fowler examined the phenomenon of “age gap relationships” (AGRs) from an evolutionary perspective, noting that such pairings have benefits in terms of species survival. A middle-age or older man pairing with a younger woman, from this viewpoint, ensures that he will have continue to have offspring at older ages than would be possible with a peer who is past childbearing age. There are some assumptions within this framework — for example, that people behave in ways that are intended to guarantee the future of the species rather than in response to sociocultural influences. This argument contrasts with the sociocultural perspective, which proposes that negative attitudes involved in ageism and sexism cause older women to be seen as less physically attractive to potential mates.

The sociocultural perspective for understanding the pairing of older men and younger women explains not just that younger women seem physically more attractive to aging males, but that the older man represents socially valued attributes that lead his younger partner to want to bond with him. With age, men may acquire greater power or possess more property, financial and otherwise. The older men with the most appeal to younger women would be those with financial prosperity who are willing to heap some of those financial rewards onto their partner. Meanwhile, these older men believe they’ll accrue even more power and status by sporting their younger, glamorous, and well-outfitted new spouse.

Skentelbery and Fowler wanted to investigate whether it’s true that the women in such pairings were seeking father figures for psychological reasons. Because these relationships are more prevalent when they involve older men and younger women, the authors didn’t perform an analogous study of “mommy figures." If it’s true that younger women in AGRs are seeking father figures, then it would be expected that they would have maladaptive relationships with their fathers which play out in adulthood by their choice of a mate.

The framework that the St. Mary's researchers used to test this proposition is attachment theory. According to the attachment theory perspective, people’s adult relationships reflect the way they were treated by their caregivers. Women who need the security of a father figure would, from this point of view, have been poorly cared for by their own fathers, as reflected in later seeking security from an older male. Skentelbery and Fowler therefore sought to compare AGR women with those in SARs (same-age relationships).

Testing their predictions on a sample of 173 women, all involved in a romantic relationship, the study's authors compared those in AGRs (with a nine-year or larger age difference) vs. SARs (with just one-to-four-year differences). The AGR women ranged from 18 to 53 years old, with partners, on average, 17.3 years older than themselves. Using standard questionnaire measures, the research team asked all participants to rate their attachment styles as well as their relationship satisfaction. As a control to self-report bias, Skentelbery and Fowler also asked participants to complete a measure of “social desirability,” or the tendency to exaggerate one’s positive attributes on a questionnaire (e.g. “I never make a long trip without checking the safety of my car”).

Consistent with large-scale attachment style studies, nearly three-quarters of the sample reported being securely attached. The key comparisons yielded no differences between AGRs and SARs. The two age-based relationship samples were similar in both attachment style and relationship satisfaction. Further, the size of the age gap did not relate significantly to satisfaction with the partner.

It’s risky to account for a lack of differences: Are these non-effects due to faulty methodology or a flawed theory? It’s possible that there were weaknesses in the sample recruitment, as an AGR online forum provided the data for that group; these individuals may not be typical representatives of AGRs. However, if we accept the findings, the Skentelbery and Fowler study suggests that the younger woman-older man relationship has no unique psychological qualities, at least on the measures used.

Relationship fulfillment depends on a host of factors, but according to this study, the age gap alone is not sufficient to predict who will be happiest with whom. That older man (or woman) may just be someone who is a good fit to his partner, and, like other couples who defy stereotypes, their psychological bonding can transcend the demographics.

I have to agree. I'm sure they don't represent all women, but I know several single women in their 30's who are dating older men. The simple reason they give is that most men their own age are "ridiculously immature".

From what I've seen it's usually immature girls who complain about immature men. These girls are the type commonly complaining about how all guys are jerks or players etc. Ever think maybe it's the kind of guy YOU go after that is the problem? Dating outside of ones age group usually means you found your partner outside of your normal social circle. Thus meaning he may be a different type of man that you normally may pass up if he was younger.

But hey what do I know. I'm just a 26 year old male with sisters and plenty of female friends.

From what I've seen it's usually immature girls who complain about immature men.

No, it's a real problem, even documented in an article in the Wall Street Journal a ways back. The problem is that the percentage of men in their late 20's and 30's who are jobless and living in their parent's basement is way up from a small percentage. Video games, pizza, porn, are the staples, and going out and actually dating a woman who insists the guy have his own place -- too much trouble for some of these guys who'd rather just swipe left and right on Tinder for a few minutes before they get back to their video games. Women who are looking for a serious guy in his 20's with a job and his own apartment or house are today going to find very slim pickins. The movie "Failure to Launch" is no longer a joke.

Yeah...I can't agree more even though I'm more towards gen X...sure some women may date older men for their money but I wouldn't be surprised that most younger women are dating older men because of the maturity factor for sure...

Men need time and experiences before they reach a level of maturity to be able to settle down and raise a family the way a woman would want...

But age ain't nothing but a number too...there are some mature younger men out there just as there are immature older men well into their 40's and 50's...

Perhaps the women of today are too demanding that lead men to conclude that a life of video games, Tinder and online porn are more fulfilling than conventional relationships.

I mean Tinder?!? Aw, c'mon! Does anyone honestly think that guys use Tinder to seek meaningful relationships? No. Perhaps these guys are just dropping out of societical norms because the risk / reward return on relationships are too risky for men. Perhaps they feel they are getting more enjoyment by being the sole CEO of their own life as opposed to getting married and eventually getting divorced with the ex wife taking half his X Box (as well as the house, pension, kids, etc).

Do you see where this is going? It's not that men are immature (although there's always the exception), it's that a lot of men are starting to realise that they don't need the stress of a college education, a demanding career, wife and kids. Check the marriage and divorce stats for yourself, read "Men on Strike" by Dr H Smith and reappraise the situation.

Well, we seem to have gone off the beaten track here. Something about age gap relationships and immaturity wasn't it?
Oh dear...

Yes, some guys do. Some even swipe obsessively trying to find someone.

Do you see where this is going? It's not that men are immature (although there's always the exception), it's that a lot of men are starting to realise that they don't need the stress of a college education, a demanding career, wife and kids. Check the marriage and divorce stats for yourself, read "Men on Strike" by Dr H Smith and reappraise the situation.

Doesn't matter what you call it. We could agree to call it "unshackled men" who feel so for whatever reason, and do what they do for whatever reason, whether it makes sense or not. But the bottom line is still the same. Women aren't looking for these "unshackled men". And what they call these men is "immature". I've heard it more than once from young women. And whether their reasoning is wrong or not, or if it's the fault of men or women or both or society, the fact is still the same -- a good number of them are going for older men.

It's not hard to see that if you're an unattached woman in her 30's and you feel the biological clock ticking (which it in fact is doing at that age, and very loudly), an established and stable guy 10-20 years older who's out of his porn/video game phase, and who's pulling down a serious stable income, is just a lot more desirable for basic instinctive reasons.

Yes, some guys do. Some even swipe obsessively trying to find someone.

Again, there's always the exception, but dating sites usually give singletons the encouragement to be hypergamous and if women have "baby rabies" then they may become prone to seeking someone with resources - which is an important criteria to have in place when raising kids - but it doesn't necessarily lead to a lasting relationship between partners who may opt for this type of relationship transaction. Tinder has a reputation for being a hook-up site and we are kidding ourselves if we think otherwise.

Doesn't matter what you call it. We could agree to call it "unshackled men" who feel so for whatever reason, and do what they do for whatever reason, whether it makes sense or not. But the bottom line is still the same. Women aren't looking for these "unshackled men". And what they call these men is "immature". I've heard it more than once from young women. And whether their reasoning is wrong or not, or if it's the fault of men or women or both or society, the fact is still the same -- a good number of them are going for older men.

Indeed, call it what you like, but these "unshackled men", whether they are being sought after or not, have matured to the extent that they will not fall prey to women who only think of their own needs for babies and resources, with the real danger of a damaging split a few years down the line. Some women do go for "unshackled men" believing that these men can be changed. In doing so, disastrous consequences may ensue, for example the break up of a family unit. "I'm sure he'll change once he's discovered that he's impregnated me". This stuff happens.

It's not hard to see that if you're an unattached woman in her 30's and you feel the biological clock ticking (which it in fact is doing at that age, and very loudly), an established and stable guy 10-20 years older who's out of his porn/video game phase, and who's pulling down a serious stable income, is just a lot more desirable for basic instinctive reasons.

I totally agree, but when guys have matured beyond the porn/video game phase, their decision making process becomes more astute. At around their mid 30s, guys will tend to think less through their small head and more through their big head (with maturity they will eventually become more rational and do more research into a prospective partner). The issue that then arises is that most of these guys find a lot of these single women intolerable and therefore they will have no qualms when it comes to returning to their porn/video game phase. It's less stressful.

Hey... pairing was a deal that started thousands of years ago to ensure a woman for sex and a man for protection. Later it evolved to acquired property to be only passed or shared with blood of the offspring of the natural father of such. Men always had the upper hand to choose a younger wife to insure more sex, more children and most importantly..... a caregiver as they got old and sick. Time hasn't really changed on that matter. As far as why young women deliberately are drawn to much older men? Probably the wining and dining that an established man can provide, but that only lasts so long before the sparkle is gone and she is left with a sick old man who is impotent.

As far as why young women deliberately are drawn to much older men? Probably the wining and dining that an established man can provide, but that only lasts so long before the sparkle is gone and she is left with a sick old man who is impotent.

Typical dismissive comment by an armchair "sociologist". Age-peer relationships are all about "love", while age-disparate relationships are always only about getting money or a young body. Yeah, right. I know plenty of same-age gold-diggers, and I personally know of age-disparate relationships which are all about attractions due to their differences, or even shared interests, etc.

I find myself in agreement with most of the comments here. However, I find the article misses the most important relationship factor: the one that transcends socio-economic status, age, race, ethnicity, gender, etc....love; people just fall in love (something wonderful and magical; an indefinable state/quality secular humanistic psychology seems to have been unable to decipher since Freud). Of course there are gold-diggers, but life and experience have taught me that, generally speaking, younger women choose to be with older men because they are more mature (mellowed, if one wishes), possess the wisdom that only comes with with age/living. And the manifestations of this are a better understanding of the opposite sex, and the respect, caring, and commitment needed to sustain a loving relationship. I do agree that if a women is young enough to be your daughter, then questions arise concerning intentions or pathological behavior--as Nabokov illustrated in his masterwork "Lolita".

...my entire life. The biggest age gap was when I was 28 and he was 56. I guess I fit in the textbook definition of younger women dating older men because they want a father figure. When I dated this man, I was deeply, emotionally fulfilled because I did need a father to love me that I never had. My father ignored me, was always drunk and made fun of me. I wish I could express what a deep fulfillment this man gave me..it was like water in a desert in my soul. Anyway, currently dating a man 56 and I'm 43. But I always like to say, now that I'm older, can I really say I'm dating older men? lol. Anyway. I've always liked older men, and always dated at least 10 yrs older.

My partner is 18 years older than me, he is 67 and I'm 49 and we've been together for a year. He is 5 years younger than my father, who is very much alive and I have a great relationship with him. I don't need a father figure in my life, I already have a wonderful dad. My partner is not flush with money or property, I'm with him because we have a lot in common and we enjoy each other's company. We are both young looking for our ages and both active. I didn't seek out for an older man, it just happened that we met and got on really well. My only hesitation with his age, was others perceptions and I thought to myself, why not? I'm happy. Why let other peoples thoughts shape my life?