I swear to God, I don’t even know what’s going on with these singing shows this summer. It’s like a goddamn arms race. The Voice brings in Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine; X Factor counters by adding Britney Spears and Demi Lovato; American Idol pushes the self-destruct button and rebuilds from the ground up by reaching out to Mariah Carey, Nicki Minaj, Kanye West, Keith Urban, and whoever the hell else they could get on the phone; X Factor doubles down by having Bieber appear as a mentor; Cee-Lo, uh… got a bird. It’s getting crazy out there. If they keep trying to one-up each other by throwing huge money at big-time pop stars, they run the risk of facing mutually assured destruction. Once mighty timeslot hegemons will be reduced to smoking craters on the schedule. Chaos will ensue, with networks rushing to fill their schedule with whatever slapped-together, half-brained show they came up with after recovering from the shock. Snooki will get a primetime talk show. Anarchy will break out across the country, and the streets of every town, small and large, will end up stained red with the blood of the powerful. REVOLUTION.

As far as I can tell, there is only one way to avoid this hellish near future. One show must hire someone so influential — so POWERFUL — that the announcement itself relegates to other shows to second-class powers, making it clear that the battle has ended. The nuclear bomb of pop stars, if you will. Only one such figure exists, and all we can do is pray that he hears our pleas:

I would be angrier considering he is in no way qualified to be a mentor for anything, let alone making music (unless his advice is, “make a bunch of youtube videos dawg”) but then I remembered that these shows are fake like everything else on.

I don’t have an inside source, but if I did I know they’d have this to say about NBC’s long-term vision.

1. Revolution will be awesome. We learned from the mistakes of all the other LOST-esq shows, which no one is tired of, so everyone will watch it.
2. Schrute Farms will be awesome, it’s a spin-off about Dwight’s family, lol. We won’t mention the showrunner who killed the Office will be it’s showrunner. Hello, it’s stars DWIGHT!!
3. Revolution is a huge success, tons of viewers. Shrute Farms also successful, obviously. After proving they know spin-offs, NBC opts for the two birds, one stone approach by feeding off Revolution’s success AND challenging GLEE with one show, the musical/action/drama “Revolutions Solution.”