This ramadan certainly has been the worst of my life. What this month has previously meant for me was that I would be starving for social acceptability that I would be over indulging in food at iftar and shopping for this one month like I have never for the rest of the year buying latest designer lawn making sure i get better outfits and accessories than my cousins. This time i looked at the meaning of my fasting and I felt i got lost in trying to understand a ritual and forgot about the practice. I felt like I wasted this month I feel more lost than ever begore. Eid does not seem the same without the practice. Before the last roza. I visited a friend to buy yet another dress when for unknown reasons i found myself starting to confide in her. She just told me to hear Nauman Ali khan and i did on my way to work when i had a few mins in between my work related responsibilities during my break and it seemed like he was talking to me. The examples he gives the analogues he uses his sense of humor all that and more resonated with me.
I fasted the last day of ramadan and enjoyed it tremendously. Lack of iman is the diagnosis…. Treatment he says is quran.

Why does a believe in higher power Is even necesary what purprose does it serve she says stop using your brain use your heart but how do you ever shut off your brain. If you are breathing if your heart is beating then your brain stem is working if you are feeling then your limbic system is in full gear how do one ever freaking shut off their brain. Why should I do that. Who the hell cares that I don’t believe. If you ask me this the happiest I have ever been. One would say thank Him he is responsible but how do they figure this out. Why is it necessary I can imagine my family yelling blasphemy I have gone insane but have I. I don’t feel that way. For the first time I feel liberated I don’t prostrate bow down just coz it is time trying to imagine Him. “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe” but where does this conviction comes from. She says you are trying to reason with it. Don’t just listen to your heart…. How do I do that do I even want to do it put in all this effort for what. I am at peace without it. Why mess it up….

Time flies. With a two year old in tow I start again. Loads of ups and downs and finally some peace. From abandoned, vulnerable, impulsive child to a healthy adult the Journey has been quite dramatic. Loads of insecurities vanished how why if only I knew, the power of understanding is hard to come by I generally appreciate the tranquility in my life and say a quiet Prayer.
He is perfect but totally in love with him. He gets up every morning asking about him even though he has not seen either of us all day he asks for him yes I am envious but I bet there is an explanation for it.
This life starts and the finality of it kicks in after about three decades and most of the foundation has been laid already. If I don’t pray now, don’t fast now even when I cover my head but I feel that is to hide may be from Him rather than with the intention it is meant for I ask myself who decides where I would end up. How many signs of Him am I going to deny. All, right now. Not intentionally of course. But I just don’t feel like it then why go through the movements.
Growing up in a household where one wall has holy kaba floor to ceiling having a dad who has a long long beard no one could even imagine I an atheist after all. I don’t deny his existence but I don’t believe he exists either. Confusing, I feel confused myself. Completely out of my mind. I believe I was living in a world oblivion and when I started asking questions I am more lost now than I have ever been.
She says pray for it but how do one pray I always ask her. I started by moving in the dark very slowly and cautiously using my hands and short steps guiding me but now I am running towards something even when it is still pitch dark I don’t care I have been in the dark for so long that I really don’t care. At least I don’t feel trapped that I don’t have the power. At least I don’t feel helpless but I do I so do not being able to believe seems like I spinning so fast that even though the floor has disappeared from underneath me I am still suspended in air.

I felt I would be happy if this happened but I am not. I again fooled myself and denied the obvious. I am depressed again am could I be hormonal you say, may be but I just feel that I am in this alone.

All the caring he has showered on me since the news with the back lash of tanay tashnay is that not adequate atleast he is taking care of you. But I don’t want that. You are a nashukri you know that. May be, but I just want him to be excited about this as much as I am. plan things with me pick out names with me. think that the glob on the ultrasound is the most prettiest glob he has ever seen and cry tears of joy.

what would that take care of. you would still be depressed and your standards would continue increasing thereon. there is no end to it is there? how do I know. I just know I am not happy. What is happy to you define it. It is a feeling of content. Did you ever feel that. I think I did at one point in time but not anymore. No think about it you never did, no matter what point of life you were on you were always dissatisfied with your life you always wanted more. Now you think a child could fill that gaping hole. you are mistaken. you would screw another life if you don’t fix this and fast.

you really think I would mess his/her life…. I can not even think about doing that. that is the thing you would not think about it, you would be miserable then too and it would just happen. face the reality and live it. stop living in the world which you feel should exist rather breath the air which does.

Am I capable of this. Any one is capable of anything. If anyone can do it, you can🙂

i feel so very empty from inside as if something vital has gone missing. I dont know what I should do. I some times wonder could anyone ever cover from traits of a borderline personality disorder. I becomes so very difficult so cope with this emptiness sometimes. I feel like fighting with him and letting it all out. I want him to tell me how much he loves me and shower me with passion. today when I came back he said do u feel loved and i started crying well i am sure he at some level realizes my needs but why is he not able to compensate for it the why i want him is beyond me. I have communicated to him millions of times but he says he just cant
meray ALlah take this emptiness away please

surprise surprise………… has been a while since he has been saying this and i am actually surprised that it took him so long to finally get to this point

every instant that I “defied” him every time I asked him to do what I want when we were happy atleast I was whenever I was excited every time every freaking minute I was told that I am going to finish this off

may be it would be good may be thats how it should have been from the start may be i am better off without him

We had a fight for no reason partly it was my fault I let go of my guards and forgot the “rules” i became myself. too excited about a news I failed to reply to him like he likes and yet we got into another fight.

i just wonder how long would this continue how much would i have to lose myself to gain more time in this marriage and why do I do this I wonder. I guess coz I am not a quitter never was and never will be.

I dont even make sense to myself at times and this is certianly one of them. I see all these happy couples around me having fun clicking away happy memories and displaying them for the sad unhappy ones like us to envy. I dont know why I cant be content, I want my core my innermost self to become relaxed to just breath deeply and let go.

This is how it feels to finally realize what might be the cause of all the distress. It feels satifying to realize why do I feel anxious, why does it seem that nothing is going the way it should go as and why cant I be satisfied. What am I truly looking for. Is it love, passion, emotion, understanding or just this that I can never be the same again. I have been too spoiled to be normal now.

He did something what He used to do. He anticipated my needs and I felt the same pang again.

Would it ever go away, He says it wont but lets hope. What a wonderful word that is. I am hoping again. Therefore I am concluding that not all is lost. If I can hope again I can feel again, I can care again and may be possibly love again…….

I have never been this stressed in my life before between ami’s illness, interviews and him acting up I am just tired. I just cant take it anymore. I never thought this was all in me. I never thought I can be this resilient. Pata nahee kia kaho kia lakho kuch bhee samajh mei nahee araha meray.