The long road to publishing and the adventures of being a full time mom while on the way :) *and beyond! :)

Friday, August 5, 2011

critique me query

I've written a book in first person and this is my query. Aside from the first person aspect, which I've heard is controversial, please critique this. It's *this close* to being ready to send out again after another round of changes :P These are the last until an editor says "change this or that" (except for grammar stuff. I'll always fix that if I find it lol) so help me out! Good and bad comments. ONly rule is make your comment constructive if it's negative. I'll take all the positive vibes you send though LOL

This is a zombie book, which will be obvious, and it's a thriller with no element of romance at all. If you got in your email, or read it on the back of a book, would you be interested in more?

I figured getting kidnapped by the FBI was pretty low on the list of things I wanted to do. It was right up there with meeting with terrorists groups and writing their side of the story. Why me? Turned out 'me' was a scapegoat for someone with some serious health issues. They'd contracted the zombie virus.

I was a zombie killer was killing them as quickly as I could. But I was only one woman. Again, why me? I was immune. You'd think being immune was great, but it wasn’t. Ever since the government purposely tried to infect me with the zombie virus, they had been watching me close to see if I turned.

The FBI wanted me to accomplish something big. Something big two thousand miles away from my home. When I arrived in El Paso, Texas after my long, strenuous drive from Washington, my contact agent, Joseph, wasn't available. Rude, right? I forgave him, this time. Being held by a zombie and tortured for two days was an excuse I accepted after saving his ass. Oh, tortured and not eaten had you surprised, didn't it? Don't be. They weren’t like the Hollywood types. At least not right away. First, they were super soldiers. They never got sick, their IQ tripled, and their sex appeal went off the charts. Trouble was, some of them develop a taste for meat—human meat—even before they’d died and officially turned zombie.

Problem with governments screwing around with our DNA was things never went as planned. When terrorists kidnapped my kids, all bets were off, even if Agent Joseph became one of the Infected. I hoped I could get to my kids and steal the antivirus without getting killed. Because if I couldn't, the whole world was going to have a really bad day.

Gal Friday Noir: Mayhem in Mexico is a paranormal thriller at 85,000 words. My preferred method of contact is email. Thank you for your time and consideration

Okay, after some personal emails, and the comment already here, I've revised some. Here's the new version. Whatcha think?

I'm a zombie killer at night, even have my favorite knife. But I'm only one woman. Ever since the government tried to infect me with the zombie virus, they've been watching to see if I turn. But I won't. I'm immune. You'd think being immune's great; it isn't.

Getting kidnapped by the FBI is pretty low on the list of things I want to do. It's right down there with meeting with terrorists groups and getting eaten by zombies. And if kidnapping's not enough, the FBI wants me to do something big for them two thousand miles away from home. I agree, but on my terms.

When I arrive in El Paso, Texas, my FBI contact, Agent Joseph, isn't available. Rude, right? I forgive him, this time. Being held by zombies and tortured for two days is an excuse I accepted after saving his ass and shooting one of them. But why'd they let him go so easily? We have to find out before the zombie virus spreads. And I have to teach Joseph the proper way to kill super zombies in short order.

Problem with governments screwing around with our DNA is things never go as planned. Their super soldiers turned terrorists kidnap my kids and all bets are off. We need to save my kids, steal the antivirus, all without getting killed. Because if we didn't, the whole world was going to have a really bad day.

Gal Friday Noir: Mayhem in Mexico is a zombie thriller at 85,000 words. I guest post for a fantasy site, Splintered Lands, and have had a horror short story in the online magazine, Forever Nocturne. Thank you for your time and consideration.

So what do you think? Also, looking for new title. This doesn't fit anymore :P Suggestions?

1 comment:

Ok, so currently the query is 329 words, including the bit at the end. Too long. I was eventually able to get my whole query under 250 and it was MUCH tighter.

I know why you've done what you've done - you've deliberately kept it vague because you don't want to give away too much. However, in doing so you've made it TOO vague. I don't get how Agent Joseph is involved and I've read the book!

There's a lot here about your character but very little about the actual conflict she's facing. We don't know why she's had to go to El Paso (and why is it important that she's 2000 miles from home?) and we don't know who the main protagonist is. We know she isn't happy with the FBI but you don't really say why. The ins and outs of the immune thing is really confusing - all you need to say is "there's a virus that turns people into zombies and I'm immune to it".

Also, I believe query letters should be written in present tense.

We need to know what she has to do, why she has to do it, and who is trying to stop her. And we need to know that Agent Joseph is helping her because it's really not clear here.

Try to keep it more on the original timeline of the novel - i.e. she gets this job, realises something's dodgy and then her kids are taken and the **** really hits the fan.