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A former employer owns a large piece of wooded land that lies adjacent to its facility. The acreage is completely wild, with a river running through it and all kinds of animals and beautiful wild flowers. Fortunately for the employees, the Company had three walking paths made through the area, so that we could get some exercise and fresh air on lunch hours. I absolutely loved those woods, because once I hit the gravel, the tension from work just evaporated. On nice days, there were lots of people walking, running or eating lunch on the benches that were placed in scenic areas. And for a couple of years, I walked those paths two or three times a week through spring, summer and fall.

Part of the attraction for me was the abundance of beautiful shade-loving wild flowers, including Jack-in-the-pulpit, Mayapple, Tiger Lily, Trillium, Trout Lily, Lily-of-the-Valley and more. Oh, how I wanted some of those flowers in my yard. Unfortunately, in Michigan, it’s illegal to dig up wild flowers. But, I’m ashamed to say, I packed a brown lunch bag with a trowel and a Ziplock bag with a wet paper towel inside it to keep the roots happy. And my walking partner and I hit the woods, looking like we were going to have lunch out there.

When we got to the various areas where we wanted to dig up flowers, we’d listen for other walkers, as I dug up what I wanted. Every few minutes, I’d have to stop, hurry over to the bench and act like I was getting ready to pull a sandwich out of my lunch bag. When the coast was clear again, I’d resume my covert operation. I rationalized that I was just moving them to another wooded area, as our yard backs up to woods that separate our sub from the one north of us. And I knew that I’d take excellent care of those plants. So what harm would come from my crime?

That evening, after work, I lovingly planted those wild flowers in my yard, in the shade just beyond the trees at the edge of the woods. And by the next morning, most of the Trillium flowers had been chopped off by sharp little teeth. I don’t know for sure if it was the deer or the groundhog family that we suspected lived under our deck. By the next day, the rest of the Trillium flowers were gone, as well as some of the other transplants. All that remain today, more than 10 years later, are the Lilies of the Valley.

Forget about turning me in – I’m sure the statute of limitations on wild flower theft has run out. And I learned my lesson. I’ll never do it again. But I think I’ll sneak back into those woods again this spring, because I’d like to see that spectacular wild flower show just one more time.

What’s happening to this country? I live in an upscale Detroit suburb, a neighborhood where, for the most part, neighbors coexist peacefully and life is good. In the 15 years that I’ve been in this house, there’s been only a smattering of guns fired on New Year’s Eve. I used to think it was a few drunken idiots doing what idiots do. But last night made my blood run cold. I heard so many guns firing that our sub could’ve competed with the worst areas of Detroit. It made me sick. I wouldn’t even let the dog out until 1:00 a.m., fearing she’d get shot. WTF?!

This country is alone in the industrialized world in promoting the widespread ownership of firearms. I won’t even talk about the gun lobby, because I’m not a violent person, but my wishes for those twisted people are definitely from my dark side. We are going to regret caving in to them 100 times over. Just think about what’s going on here.

I’m constantly hearing how just about anyone can buy a gun. There are exposes on TV shows about how individuals get caught selling guns to people without permits, or in one case that I saw recently, without even a driver’s license. Individuals apparently don’t have to do background checks, so any nut case can get a gun.

And what’s a typical gun buyer like? The NRA would tell you it’s a law-abiding citizen trying to protect his or her property. Bull shit! Have you gone into a gun shop or sporting goods store to see what kind of people are looking at guns? I’d love to see detailed stats on gun buyers, because I believe they’re largely uneducated people, many of whom surely have personality issues (anger, obsessive-compulsive, paranoia, post traumatic stress disorder from the horrors of war, etc., etc.). Are those the people you want walking around with guns? Spend a little time at a gun counter, especially one in a more rural location. It’ll open your eyes.

Of course, the typical gun owner is male, although plenty of women are succumbing to the gun lobby’s scare tactics. To a lot of men, guns are power. And it’s the best ever phallic symbol. Hell, if you have a gun, you don’t need any enhancements, if you know what I mean. It gives some of them that “mine’s bigger than yours” warm and cozy feeling. And it allows them to be the shoot ‘em up cowboy of their childhood whenever they feel the urge.

I know of people who have three guns within reach at all times in their homes. And they live in decent neighborhoods. What in hell are they preparing for? If they’re going to get robbed, it’s most likely to be when they’re not at home. And guess what’ll end up stolen – yep, their weapons, so that the thieves can use them to commit other crimes.

Obviously, most of these guns aren’t for hunting – they’re strictly intended to use on people. That’s not to say I think hunting is fine. For me, unless your family doesn’t have enough food, and you’re hunting to put meat on the table, it’s wrong. Some Christians say that God put animals on earth for us to use. So he created bears, so that you can mount a bear head on your wall? Yeah, that makes sense to me. I wonder how your God will judge you for killing his creatures because you think blowing them away is a “sport.” I’d love to hear that conversation.

Finally, Michigan’s become known for its crack-pot militia groups. Have you ever read or watched an interview with any of those people? That’ll keep you awake nights. Yes, we’re going to regret that the gun lobby has prevailed, when the original right to bear arms was because we lived in a newly-settled and uncivilized land. Back then, the guns protected and fed the settlers. Now the citizens need to be protected from the guns. God help us.