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Dear Carolyn: A good friend recently ended a long relationship because of her
boyfriend’s emotional limitations. After they broke up, I let her know I had always wondered
whether he was right for her.

She was disappointed that, as a friend, I hadn’t been forthcoming about my doubts.

My negative opinions were about his personality and personal style — things my friend and I had
discussed but only insofar as she had mentioned problems with those things. There were never any
concerns about safety or abuse. I had often wondered whether I should offer my opinion but decided
that, if she was happy, then who am I to criticize her choices?

She is surprised that I would see sharing my opinion as criticism and feels let down. I’m
confused about whether her expectation that I weigh in is reasonable. My husband and I had a
similar situation with another friend and his wife. They divorced, and he was later angry that we
had not told him we didn’t like her.

Am I a bad friend, or are these dear friends placing too much responsibility on me for bad
decision-making?

— Trying To Be a Good Friend

Dear Friend: The assignment of blame isn’t so tidy.

Well, one part is: The notion that you extended the life of these relationships by not speaking
up is just buck-passing bunk. Someone reeling from a fresh breakup does get a pass for floating
this idea — once. But the people who start and stay in unhappy relationships are fully accountable
for any time wasted.

But there’s a fine line between withholding your objections and creating the impression that you
have no objections. If my confidants put on a show of liking a partner of mine about whom they
privately had concerns, I would feel lied to by people I trusted.

There’s also this: We can’t expect our friends to have needs or expectations identical to ours,
nor can we read minds. So we listen when they correct our mistakes and vow to improve: “I’m sorry I
let you down. I didn’t know you felt this way — but I understand now, so I’ll do better next
time."

Next, there’s the matter of holding in all your doubts and concerns until you let them out as
soon as the breakup is official. There’s a fine line there: On one side, there’s useful debriefing;
on the other, there’s telling everyone who will listen that you were right about this guy all
along.

And finally, when in doubt: “Do you want my opinion or just an ear?” Invite friends to state
their preference. If they punish you for telling truths that they punished you to extract, however,
then you can safely assume you’re not the main problem.