Weight of the World

Being fully aware of my weight gain, I decided to weigh myself yesterday. I was blown over. I had no idea, I know I have gone up a size in the last 12 months but I had no idea how much I actually weighed. We have never owned a scale so I never bothered to check my weight.

110.1 kilograms on a 165cm frame. 17stone 4lb on a 5’5″ frame.

I was gobsmacked.

When I look in the mirror I see all my pain as an armour of protection. I am an emotional eater, when I feel emotional pain I shove food in my mouth. Every time I am in an emotionally vulnerable situation, I protect myself with my fat. What I look on the outside is how I feel on the inside.

My BPD means I have little control on how much my emotions affect me. I feel hurt deeply, and it is hard to let it go. Since my early childhood I learned to squash my feelings down so they would not affect others. They were easily dismissed by my mother as unimportant, because she was trying to deal with her own pain. Not right but that was the way it was.

Procrastination is my best friend. I always have the perfect excuse to not deal with my weight, because deep down I know it is my protection. Food is my lover, it makes me feel safe and warm and loved, it gives me that high that makes me feel happy. It makes me smile, takes the pain away for a few moments.

In reality I am smothering myself and my feelings to death by the weight that is wearing down my little frame. I am slowly killing myself and I wonder if I really care.

My drug is food, others it is alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, and the list goes on. Some even use exercise as an addiction.

I understand my addiction, what I need is a way to cope better so I don’t turn to the food for emotional comfort.

So, I have a choice. Do I continue to gain weight to the point where it seriously affects my health and mobility, bearing in mind I already have joint issues that cause me pain everyday? Or do I get off my arse and do something about it. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to exercise, I know what I can and can’t do. And logically I know how to get the weight off. I can push past the physical pain I live with everyday because I know it will only get better as I lose the weight.

But I have to figure out if I’m really worth the effort. The pain I feel right now, for having done this to myself yet again is fighting to get out. I need to stop numbing myself and feel these emotions; and just let them go.

I know it is a long journey as I have at least 40 kilos to lose. And I know I can do it, I have done it before. But can I deal with the vulnerability I will feel when I have lost the weight? I will be able to find effective and non dysfunctional ways to deal with my emotions?