"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts
until my ears meet." Rita Rudner

"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps
changing all the time." Greer Garson

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five
I still had pimples." George Burns

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy
your children will not have declared you legally insane
in order to gain control of your estate." Woody Allen

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased
to be anywhere."
George Burns

"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I
ever did." Robert Benchley

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National
Debt." Herbert Hoover

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in
it's holder is a thrill." George Burns

"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially
the one in the winter."
Milton Berle

"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." Sophie
Tucker

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look
at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on
as usual." Patrick Moore

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on
his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen

"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands
and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there
when it happens." Woody Allen

"The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is
often hard to deal with - sudden death." Michael
Phelps

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was
responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn
that she was conscious from the top of her head to the
tag on her toes." Emo Philips

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to
grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson

"A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming
of the medical student." Ambrose Bierce

"If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you."
MA Perlstein

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work,
I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be
done as easily lying down."
Woody Allen

"Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man.
When I met him he was extremely excited and overjoyed
that his mother-in-law had just died, and he was looking
forward to the funeral." Edith Sitwell

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would
stop dying." Ed Furgol

"When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence
and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could
shoot me in my absence." Brendan Behan

"The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many accomplishments.
In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty."
Quentin Crisp

"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the
only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel
Butler

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart
too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about
the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

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<p><a
href="http://www.mabels.org.uk/retirement-jokes.htm">Retirement
jokes from Mabels . Here you will find a selection of the
best retirement jokes, quotes, poems,sayings & speeches as
well as great retirement & nostalgic gift ideas.</a></p>