The Onion Goes Deep Inside Illinois

​Illinois is on the verge of bankruptcy. The state has essentially stopped paying its bills and has a budget deficit of about $12 billion. Lawmakers have had no ideas to make ends meet.

At least until now.

In their most recent issue, The Onion reports that officials have finally concocted a plan to put an end to the fiscal crisis.

According to the paper, "Illinois has been actively pursuing roles in sexually explicit direct-to-DVD features, but is only doing so until it can get back on its feet."Yes, the original purveyors of fake news have struck gold yet again with their latest entry, headlined "Illinois Does a Few Adult Films to Make Ends Meet."

A brief selection:

According to the Internet Adult Film Database, Illinois has already appeared in more than two dozen movies, including Little Sluts On The Prairie and the popular Illinois Does Dallas. Using the stage name Lincoln Violet, the state has played a number of stock adult film roles, including a cheerleader, a nurse, and the State of Ohio.

Thus far, according to documents, earnings from Illinois' adult films have provided $2,800 for state pensions, $2,150 for highway maintenance, and $1,075 in small-business loans, as well as smaller amounts for state parks, affordable housing, and after-school programs. These figures were reportedly lower than expected, as the state was really counting on payments from the production company Legendary Cherry Films, whose checks did not clear.

"Look, sometimes you just don't have a choice," Gov. Pat Quinn said. "No one's stepped up to fund Illinois' special-education programs or infrastructure improvements, so we have to do what we have to do. Nobody has the right to judge us. Not you, not anybody."

The Chicago-based paper also notes that sales from Illinois' latest adult feature -- Deep Inside Illinois 3: Deeper-Dickin' In the Land of Lincoln -- have helped fund the planting of six new trees in Chicago parks.