Sometimes

by rheeb

I am really tired. I really am.

I hate religion with every fiber of my being. I also detest TD Jakes. I happened to catch him on OWN talking to Oprah. After she asked him what he believed about gay people, he had this whole explanation about how people can believe that same sex marriage is a sin, but not hate gay people. Uhm, to me, that’s like someone saying that they have no problem with black people but they just don’t want them drinking from white fountains or attending white schools. FUCK THAT DUDE. I feel—in his own, subtle way–he and people like him are dividing families irreparably, and he doesn’t give a fucking shit as long as he’s still a big Christian superstar. To just remember how many of his books I’ve read and just to loathe him so much now…ugh.

Sometimes, I wish I could classify myself as a social atheist–meaning that I would love to be a religiously blank person to others. I don’t want to ever be identified with a religion that so adamantly hates me. And this is not me saying that I believe God hates me. It’s me saying that I believe Christianity does—and that most Christians do—and that most people will “tolerate” me but not fully accept me because, truth be told, they think they’re better than I am. I hate religion more than anything else in the world—mainly, because it marginalizes. Why can’t I just be me?

Sometimes, I feel like my essential self—my soul—my authenticity is taking a backseat when I talk to religious people. It’s hard talking to someone when, you know that there is a strong possibility that they don’t accept me as I am. You know what? I blame is my fear of Christianity. I don’t want to be in relationship with anyone who holds a belief that I am somehow below them—that I am somehow unworthy—even if that belief is unspoken and subconscious. I am NOT a sinner. I have NOT done anything wrong. This is just the way I am, and I will not apologize for it just because YOU don’t have the capacity to understand differences!

Sometimes, I feel so, so alone. I feel terribly alone. I want friends who are not bound to religions. Or, if they are religious, liberal enough to know that they are not better than anyone else. I don’t need the fear of hell to keep me in line. I don’t need to believe that God is exclusive. I don’t need to believe that God is keeping detailed records of all my sins. I don’t need to believe that I have to do anything for God to love me. I don’t need to believe that I am separate from Her. I don’t need to believe that God is male. I don’t need to believe that God hates me. I don’t need to believe that I am not worthy to be in communion with Him if I have not been baptized—or if I don’t take communion—or if I don’t attend church—or if I don’t tithe—or because I cuss—or because I’m gay. I don’t need any of those things anymore, because they’re all bullshit. It’s man-made bullshit. And I have to believe that God has more character than I do. I have to believe that God loves people better than I do—that God is more inclusive than I am—that God isn’t petty—that God loves selflessly and freely; purely and openly. God HAS to be better than I am!

Sometimes, I wanna go silent and just be at peace. I hate church. I hate preachers. I hate the whole fucking system because it’s all pain. All of it. I have lost so many relationships because of religious beliefs, and it hurts. Religion is the most evil of fires. Religion is hell. Seriously. Hell on earth. A deadly killer of souls. It belittles people by marginalizing the delicate intricacies of humanity, and I want no part of it. Religion is like an eight color box of crayons. Do you know how many colors there are in the world? They’re endless. And that is how I see people—each completely unique and incomparable. How can you live in a world with just eight colors?

So, I guess you can say that, at this point, I want to silently slip away to a place where I am with people who have my same beliefs. My religion is simple: Life is a flow; Love is life; I am human, the Universe is vast, what I know is nothing in comparison to what is, and that is OK. My new religion is simply that I have limited knowledge, but my soul is connected to Life, which is all that matters. Religions want to tell you that all things can be known, but it’s not true. I am tired of preachers behaving omnisciently. I am tired of lay-persons believing blindly. I am tired of all of it. I’m done. I’m so fucking done.