Wednesday I messed up my 5.5 taper by .5 and took 6 pills. I said I would NEVER go up on my taper, but I had to. Well, I didn't HAVE to - it was a choice. And I chose to fail. I missed the last step on my porch (not the first time I've done this - just the first time since my surgery) and compressed my knee. I was having excruciating pain. I had taken 1200mg of Advil already that day. Ice was doing nothing. So, yah, I messed up. But just by half a pill, so not the end of the world, right? I saw a posting earlier where people said it was an addict's tendency to hurt themselves so they need more pills. I get scared that if I tell people I went up on my taper for a day, I'm going to get messages that I'm not trying hard enough and I don't think I can take that right now...

I went right back to 5.5 pills the next day - and I'm there now, so still making progress on my taper, albeit slowly!

What else... My anxiety wasn't bad yesterday - I went to Physical Therapy and even dealt with my car needing a jump - and didn't think once about taking a Xanax. I went to bed at midnight last night and woke up at 3am with some RLS stuff and haven't been able to fall back asleep. I hate nights like these.

I'll be using my journal entries to track pill consumption/progress, as well as knee progress... makes life easier for me this way :)

So if you are reading this and don't want to be bored my my injuries and PT, you might want to stop reading right about now! haha! On that note, it has to be said: my intention is NOT to use my knee as an excuse to stop my taper or mess it up. I hurt badly the other day, and also I felt badly about not sticking to my plan... I hope that never happens again.

Anyway - I'm trying not to think about it too much or let it get me down... but I'm scared there is something still wrong with my knee. Maybe that's what's keeping me awake all night...

I'm 5 weeks post surgery - an arthroscopy that took out a massive amount of scar tissue. The doctor said he did a number to me and I would be in pain for a while. The hematoma was a set back, as well as getting the flu - so perhaps that's why I'm still feeling pain. Maybe I just need more time to get this thigh muscle firing up again. But really? 5 weeks post op, I SHOULD be feeling pretty damn confident and good. Yesterday, my Physical Therapist said she was concerned about the catching she's feeling in extension. It hurts me a lot when it catches and pop. When Lisa (my therapist) says she's concerned, she means it and that's terrifying to me. This therapist, I mean she's just the best - soooo good... I trust her immensely. She's not being doom and gloom with me, but I am picking up on her hints. The same little hints she gave me before my last surgery. It's like she's slowly teeing me up for more bad news. This sounds crazy I'm sure. But I have a bad feeling. I hope I am wrong.

Today, I'm sore as hell right now... There's pain under the patella, on the right side. Usually there is just pain in the portals, or toward the top of my patella, underneath where the catching occurs. I am catching like CRAZY and as I write this, I can't extend my knee to put my foot on the coffee table without a lot of struggle. Good god, I feel like I'm 2 weeks post surgery right now, not 5 weeks.

All I WANT to do is go for a jog today, which is a pipe dream. Quitting all these pills without being able to exercise has been my worst nightmare... I hate it so much. I thought I would be so much further along my now. I should be running. I can't even ride a stationary bike. Makes me want to punch the wall. I guarantee if I was exercising these days, this taper would be going a LOT faster.... and I'd be in a much better mood...

Going to a follow-up with the doctor March 26 - first appointment I could get in since my orthopedic surgeon will be at the Giants spring training most of March. That's the problem when you have a good surgeon - he's with Pro athletes all the time. I am now praying (not on my knees) by the time I go to see him, I'm singing a different tune. I am really working hard in PT - I'm not doing my exercises half-arse. But maybe I just need to push harder...

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