Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Time Goes On

I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I haven't posted for a while because I've been sick. Finally today I've had a bit of an appetite and was able to eat a little better, so hopefully I will gain my strength back soon!In my last post I think I gave the impression that I just sit back and wait for my son to do everything in our relationship, but that's not the way it is. I am the one that usually calls him to see how he's doing, and to just stay in touch. I send him birthday presents and Christmas presents to him and his girlfriend. I've tried to keep in touch with him more by emailing him or sending messages through myspace, but he just doesn't ever respond, so I stopped that.Someone suggested that he needs me to be a mom. I truly think I have been, and I won't list the things I've done or that I do, because I just don't have the energy tonight to do that. But it all boils down to the fact that he knows I love him, and he knows how much I love him. But I also will not push myself on him. I've seen too many bmoms do that to their son or daughter and they usually end up running from it. It seems like maybe it doesn't matter what you do or say, certain relationships will make it and others just won't. I'm not giving up. I'm just hoping and praying that this is just a bump in the road, and he will change his mind.At any rate, I'm not sitting around crying or being depressed. Life goes on. I love him and I miss him and wish he would want to spend more time getting to know me, because I certainly want to spend more time getting to know him. But I've handed it over to God, and I'm letting Him be in control of the situation. He knows my son and He knows me. I trust that things will work out for the best somehow and in good time. I pray that whatever His best is, that I will be able to accept it and go on with life.And for now, I have peace about it all. I am able to have joy filled days because He is good and my hubby is good, and my home is good, and my family is good ... there is much good in my life!"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." (Philippians 4:7)"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." (Psalm 30:5b)"And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:3)

3 comments:

Hi Lynn, well that explains things much more. :-) I'm sorry I didn't mean to come out and blast about you being the mom.

Your post here spoke to me a lot. Essentially, I am in the same exact spot with my son. I also know the moms that bug, and hound their children until the kids tell them to get lost. I myself, I can't do that. I just can't. I used to call my son, and send him emails, or send him messages on myspace or facebook, but I got the same-- no response. I'll still send the presents, but I'm at a loss. I don't know what else I can do. He knows I'm still here, and that I always will be. But until then, I wait. I'm not crying or depressed either, but like you all I can do is keep giving this to God, and giving it back again. I always go back to, the idea, and hope that 5 years could just be what we need. But I couldn't agree with you more. My favorite verse in the bible, (I actually had it tattooed to my leg last summer, says, Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God" and honestly, I have to remind myself of that sometimes 50 times a day, (geezzz... maybe I should have tattooed it to my forehead!)Anyhow, know you are not alone Lynn. Please email me at mybirthnameisallison@gmail.com I'd really like to get to know you, it sounds as though we have much in common. Blessings to you.

You are so right - life does go on even in those times during reunion when we feel like we are stuck and can't move a step forward, life still continues around us. We still have to make our way in the best way we possibly can.

I agree with you about not pushing and I too have seen many moms who have pushed to hard. I think what you are doing is exactly right. I did the same in the beginning of my reunion with my son. After our first few months, he backed away for over a year and I let him know I was there with occasionaly emails or messages through myspace but I left it at that (every month or so sending something, knowing a lot of times he wasn't reading them but letting him know, without pushing and demanding that I was there and wasn't going anywhere.)He has told me since then that he did need to back away and that he was struggling with a lot but when he finally felt ready again to have a relationship it helped him to know that I was still there and that I hadn't walked away from him during that time.Hang in there. I know this part is hard. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen, let me know.

I can't even begin to say it - but I was the pushy mom. We fought, argued, she said some pretty mean stuff. Then, somewhere in the momness that is me, a kind of serenity happened. I stopped pushing, stopped everything. I did not write, or make any move to contact. I just blogged. And I blog a lot - LOL - and then I found out that she reads everything I write - and I do mean everything. Suddenly out of the blue, here came the mean. I tried to ignore it, then, knowing this was her way of spewing all her anger, loss and rejection onto me, I made a choice. I chose to be the parent. I know, I hear a lot about "you can't parent" - bull - it is individual. I told her in front of the world - since she chose my blog to be ugly on - that if she wanted to talk to me, great, but no more nasty stuff. Disrespect would not be tolerated. And, since she tried to pretend using the anonymous as a sheild, I stopped accepting anonymous posts.

We are working now, towards a lot of love and a huge amount of patience (mine - I am not good at patient) to be what we should have been all along.

So, yes, the quiet parts and the angry parts are hard. But, if you stand your ground, do not belittle yourself (no child - even grown ones - wants a parent that allows a child to run them over), and love, most of all love, it will work out. One way or another.

Not all reunions work. Not all were going to be. But the idea that we are responsible for the reunion, no, we are responsible for being what we are - parents. The rest, well, it falls to the adult/child to decide.

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I am a birthmom (please substitute the term that you prefer here, bmom is the easiest term for me to use, most people are more familiar with it than the other terms, but quite frankly I don't like any of them) Anyway, I was pregnant with my son at 16. I won't give any other details here, I'll let my story unfold as I go along. My main reason for starting this blog is that I am a Christian and a birthmom. That's not a combination many other bmoms are comfortable with (or at least not many of them that I have had contact with) I have belonged to a few bmom groups, and have not been allowed to give my opinions or thoughts freely because of my beliefs. I have been attacked many times for things that I've said. I just want a place to speak freely and not be condemned for it. If I can help someone else along the way, then my suffering has not been in vain.