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Q&A: How do I ask for oral sex?

“My husband has never given me oral sex and is uncomfortable talking about sex in general. I love to go down on him and he really enjoys it too. Any suggestions on asking him to go down and give it a try? I kind of feel like if he hasn’t taken the initiative maybe he doesn’t want to do it. I feel embarrassed to ask but I’d really like to have the experience.”

What a very sensitive subject! I can certainly understand your desire to want to experience it, but how to go about asking for it can be somewhat intimidating. Well, let’s talk about a few things that may help to pave the way for your husband giving you oral sex.

Hygiene. If you want your husband sticking his face between your legs, then make sure you are CLEAN! When you shower, make sure that you are cleaning around your vulva lips, hair (if you have hair), and perineum and anus area. The simple truth is that we women self lubricate, and when you combine that with sweat and using the bathroom during the day… it can make for some unappealing odors. If you have hair, be aware that it can trap odors, making them worse. If you don’t have hair, be aware that the smooth skin can actually sometimes sweat worse because it doesn’t have the hair as a ‘buffer.’ I like to keep myself shaved bare, but I also like to go commando most of the time. I have learned that in skirts and dresses I may actually need the panties to help absorb sweat and cut down on odors on warm days. So I compromise with thongs. 🙂

Opportunity. If it’s cunnilingus you want, then make sure you are giving him opportunities to try it out. Instead of always kneeling to give him oral sex, which always puts your genitals out of reach, change things up a bit. While you are lying on the sofa or bed making out, turn your upper body downward toward his feet and lean over and start giving him oral sex with your vulva still up near his face. Open your legs slightly and let him see. If you’re daring enough then finger yourself while you are giving him oral pleasure. These things will be open invitations for him to touch you.

69. You could always bring up the subject of doing “69” together and see what he thinks/feels about it. You could even bring him to our website and show him our position #46 and ask him if he’s willing to try it out. This is basically the same thing as asking him to perform oral sex on you, except you are not having to use those specific words, and you will be giving to each other mutually. I normally prefer the more direct approach, but because you say he is uncomfortable talking about sex in general, I thought that this would be a way to ask for it without having to ask for it. This would be basically the same thing as giving him a BIG hint that you want to try it.

Be Direct. If you have been working overtime on the cleanliness and have given him opportunities and hints and nothing still seems to be working, then maybe you should just be direct with him. I know that you said he isn’t comfortable talking about sexual things, but sometimes we need a little encouragement to come out of our ‘comfort zone’ in order to grow. I would suggest that you pick a time to talk to him outside of your marriage bed. In other words, don’t wait until you are in the middle of sex to mention it. Tell him you’d like to sit down and talk to him about something and ask when would be a good time. Make sure you two are alone and have each other’s undivided attention. Start off by telling him some of the things that you love about your sex life. Mention things that he does or says that make you melt. Then say that you’d like to have a conversation about anything new you two might like to try together, and ask him if anything is on his mind that he’d like to try… maybe a new position etc. Listen to what he has to say. Then at some point mention that you’ve been wondering what it would be like to receive oral sex. “Honey, do you think that is something we could try?” Hopefully the conversation will go further and you two can discuss it.

If you absolutely do not think you will be able to get him to talk to you about sexual things, then you could always write it out for him to find. Two ways are using email or a notebook. You can write out your thoughts and feelings into the first page of a notebook and leave it on his side of the bed. Tell him one evening that you wrote him a note and that you’d very much like for him to write you a note back in reply if he can. That way maybe he will be able to write out his thoughts to you easier than saying them out loud face to face. (This method has worked for other couples that have the same issues with talking.) You can keep the journal in a nightstand and write back and forth to each other whenever you need to.

You may find that your husband feels inadequate at giving oral sex. He may be too scared to try because he doesn’t have any experience with it and doesn’t know how to start. If that’s the case then feel free to print out any of our articles pertaining to oral sex! Here are some that you may be interested in:

I had the same thing happen with my husband… he loved when I went down on him, but never initiated giving me cunnilingus. When I finally asked him about it one night, he told me he’d sort of considered it, but felt inadequate. We had been talking about oral for a few minutes, and he had told me that when I gave him fellatio he felt very honored and loved. For me, when he didn’t ever make that move, I felt dirty and unwanted, which I admitted to him. I asked him if he’d like to try, which he did. I was sure to be super positive about it, and later on printed off the Cunnilingus 101 for him to read, which he really appreciated. Since then it’s only gotten better. I had to be very brave and come out with it though. Be brave!