A Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

I'd ask you how you've been but I know you'll just say you're good. Which would be fine if I didn't know all your secrets. Grade 8 was fucked, to put it lightly. And I want you to know that it's ok to feel angry, depressed, or anxious and it's ok to not feel anything at all.

A few words of advice:

First off your left eyebrow is going to grow back eventually, just please please promise me you will never ever pluck half of it off again, big eyebrows will be in style just give it a few years I promise.

Next is you're going to fail a few tests in the next five years, shocker right! Even more shocking is that in the grand scheme of things those tests won't break you. Science 9 means absolutely nothing as long as you pass it and don't you dare second guess joining theatre in grade 10.

I've got some good news for you and some bad news.

You’re going to have your heart split open, and you dignity stolen, and you are going to make mistakes you'll never forgive yourself for. You are craving a way to mend your broken soul. You're balancing on a tightrope between the craving of control and the need for chaotic numbness. You can't convince me that the razor blade in your hand is the last one you'll use, because I know that you'll only leave your scars enough time to heal before you make new ones. Most times not even that long. I'm not going to ask you to put the razor down because I know it gives you exactly what you need. An amazing sharp pain followed by instant gratification, blood and relief. Control.

But I have good news too. There will be things in life that will give you an even more amazing rush. There's this thing, it's called the gym. It's where you learn to love your body, where you can see your strength And it may take you three years and a lot of fighting but eventually you'll empty that bedside table draw of all its blades. Life has very special things planned for you, trust

me. You're going to do things that you never even thought you were capable of. Like leaving the house without makeup, finishing biology 11, and falling in love.

I'd like to be able to tell you that I'm fixed now but I don't even know what that means. One day I might write to you to say I don't think about cutting myself anymore but the truth is you're still a part of me. There are going to be many people in your life who are going to want to help you, but you can't accept their help until you accept your own.

Before I go I want to say sorry and thank you. I'm sorry for hiding you and shaming you. I'm sorry for hating you and punishing myself because of you. Because without you I wouldn't have a fraction of the drive I have now. You are the reason I get up in the morning and strive to learn and grow.