Day 3 - ketosis is cool!

Well here I am - it may have taken a while for me to realise that this was the only way for me to move forward... but abstinence really is the only thing that has ever worked for me consistently when I need to lose weight.

I have been arguing with myself, over and over, whether this was the way forward for me this time or not. Arguing that I am not learning about the consequences of my binge eating because I know that when I do abstinence, I can easily lose 10lbs to a stone in a week. I thought that by not doing abstinence this time I would have to "suffer" being overweight again and that maybe next time I had the binge urge I would think twice about it. Problem is, I can't stand feeling this way - especially when I know that it is "fixable". What I forgot to factor in to this decision was that feeling fat and gross makes me so unhappy that it leads to more bingeing and the cycle begins all over again.

So today is me stepping out of the binge cycle and moving forward with my eyes wide open. I know that returning to abstinence is tougher every time you do it - and this is the 4th time I have returned to it (eeek). I know that in about a week when my waistband starts to feel slacker and I don't feel as huge, that my willpower will start to falter and I will start talking myself into living on salad, and that I am cured this time blah blah blah.... but I also know this time that it is total bullS*#t and not to listen. I know that I will feel very sorry for myself for a few days, but I also know that I feel great on packs, I sleep beautifully on packs, I take better care of myself on packs, I save money on packs, I like the taste of packs.... all in all I feel very positive towards packs.... unfortunately I have to get through the 3 days of hell first before I can enjoy the benefits!!

So I thought that this time I would record my thoughts and feelings as I go. I read other peoples diaries and have always got a tremendous amount of useful information from them - so hopefully, if I am disciplined enough to write regularly, I might find a few lightbulbs to switch on along the way.

First and foremost I am making a comittment to do 100 days of abstinence. There I have said it. I keep trying to kid myself that I am "just doing a few weeks or a month" but at this point, I know deep down that I have 100 days to go. When I did foundation it was so easy to get through those first 100 days because I KNEW exactly how much longer I had to go. I have struggled since then because I was never brave enough to commit to much longer than a month. I don't know why, I have wasted so much time recently stressing about my weight and appearance that I could have completed foundation a few times over and been done with it. So I am being big and brave and going for it.

So what made me have this radical change of mind? There is a combination of things really, but all of which have contributed to the same thing. I have been kidding myself. Mainly about people not noticing my weight gain. I have been oozing my way into clothes that do not fit me and convincing myself that I am "still fitting in the same size!" - I was SURE that no-one could see it. But in one week, my partner has admitted that he can see I have put weight on (under extreme pressure to "tell the truth" from me I might add before you all think he is a git), I went for a repeat prescription of the pill and the woman I saw there was asking me if I was happy with the pill I was taking as I might be happier with another method and at some point in the conversation managed to use the sentence "especially with your weight!", and then to top it off, a lady in one of my RTM groups (I am a LL locum) offered to give me her old blouses in sizes 18-20 (even though I am only a 16).

I was so gutted last night and yesterday with everything. How could I have let myself get to the point where people felt compelled to comment on my weight again. I thought I had left all that behind - I thought those days were over. I certainly don't want them to continue. Unfortunately I have to admit that this is probably my main motivation for restarting at the moment. Yes, I am unhappy with how i look and how I feel in my clothes. Yes, I am heartily sick of hearing myself moan on about my weight etc etc etc. Yes, I want to be slimmer and healthier and to get on with my new life. But at the moment - I am most motivated by fear and embarassment - something I am not proud of. If someone came to see me at LL and told me that - I would tell them to manage their thinking and that it wasn't a very positive image to move towards as a goal. I know all of that - but it still retains its power over me.
I don't want to go to work and stand in front of a group of people who are thinner than I am and tell them how to manage their weight. I want to hide under a rock to be honest. So that is my motivation so far - it shouldn't be - but this is my diary and I need it to be honest or it won't help me in the long run.

So thanks for reading this waffle (if you got this far) any comments are more than welcome.

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2 packs and 2 litres down and feeling good - although have already started wearing a path from my office to the loo!!! I had forgotten what it was like!

Generally still feeling positive - my mind is still food obsessed though. I am not hungry yet and I am not going to eat - but if I let my brain idle for a few minutes - it is soon thinking about food again! What is that all about ?
I remember from the last time I did abstinence that it takes a few days for abstinence to actually sink in. I keep forgetting I am choosing not to eat conventional food and have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to plan dinner for tonight etc etc... How strange!
Quite looking forward to being food free to be honest... I am sick to the back teeth of planning and shopping and cooking and my dishwasher always needing to be emptied and re-filled. It will be nice to have that time back to myself - perhaps I will even find time to get myself down to the swimming pool???

.... well once the first few days are done anyway - lets not be too hasty hey? LOL

Morning all, I have just had the best night's sleep I have had in a long time... Seriously, I don't know the science behind it (must be lack of food in system to digest, and/or lack of chemicals and e numbers etc) but when I am on foodpacks, I sleep SOOOO well it is great.

I normally wake up several times a night just changing position or messing with my pillows etc - but last night, I just went out like a light and first thing I knew it was morning. It was lovely.... well it was lovely until I had to come to work (that kind of ruined it!).

Struggled a bit last night with my resolve to do this for 100 days... I find abstinence extremely easy when I am in work and am not tempted to eat at all. However, as soon as I am home I seem to go into food obsessed mode. So after opening and closing the fridge door repeatedly I was starting to question the sanity of my decision. Thank goodness the moment passed and I just got on with things. Feel good this morning - if a little hungry - hopefully this will pass by this evening if I follow my usual pattern of going into ketosis by the end of day 2.

Was a little naffed off last night as my partner who is usually so supportive thought it was ok to say that he was taking bets when I would give up and say that I was "just going to do healthy eating" or "3 packs and a salad" because there was no way I would do 100 days again. I was really hurt by that comment - but I think the reason that I was hurt so much was that there was some truth in that statement (going off past attempts). I am trying to access my rebellious child in a positive way with this one. I will bloody show him!!!!!

So off to make my breakfast pack (vanilla latte - my fav!)
Have a good day all
check in later
x

Morning - another fab night's sleep last night - still feel like I want to go straight back to sleep when my alarm goes off though! I think that says more about how much I dislike work though than how tired I am.

So day 3 today - pretty sure I am in ketosis now. Starting to get the taste in my mouth and not hungry this morning at all. In fact I am sat with my vanilla latte in front of me and instead of burning my mouth off to drink it asap like I did yesterday because i was so hungry - I can happily wait for it to cool down first! It may only be small progress - but progress it is.

Speaking of progress - I haven't weighed in yet - but I am definitely feeling a difference in my trousers - Monday am I was scared to sit down in them as they were so "sprayed on" I thought they might split. Today - they are just tight... again it is a small thing - but I try to focus as hard as I can on the positive in the early days.

Feeling enormous pressure at the moment which is making me question what I am doing. Firstly I have to keep lying to my mum about being back on packs - which is going to severely bite me in the ass at the weekend. She comes round every Sunday for lunch which means I am going to have to come clean about being on packs then, or I will have to eat. Of course my only option is to come clean as I am not silly enough to break ketosis for anyone, but I still feel uncomfortable nonetheless.

The issue is that Mum does not agree with abstinence, there are many reasons. She thinks it is unhealthy, she thinks that it is too restrictive, she thinks that I am using it as a crutch (prob true), but most of all, when I am on packs she feels very uncomfortable about eating in front of me. I have told her again and again that it doesn't bother me. Problem is I don't think that it bothering ME is the problem. I think it just upsets HER.

I don't know - I realise that I have to access my adult and explain that I need to do this for me and that it shouldn't affect her at all... but we have such a lovely relationship at the moment (and it has been rocky in the past) that I really don't want to rock the boat. Then again - I could be worrying about nothing, and she might be fine about it ....
Hmmm - either way I need to come clean soon as otherwise she will work out that I have been lying to her about eating and she will be (quite rightly) hurt.

Hmmmm - off to my latte to ponder some more - if there is anyone else but me reading this - please feel free to pass on your advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Laura
I've just read your posts and really feel for you........and I feel for myself, as I could easily have been reading my own posts there. I even understand about your Mum - mine doesn't know I'm on CD and I got round it last time she was round for roast dinner but just having a bit of green veg and saying that I had been an idiot and had a late breakfast so wasn't hungry.

One thing in your favour now though is your sheer determination to do it this time and take on board the lessons learnt. I am still struggling with that one - after numerous attempts I am back on SS (2 weeks now) and am coping quite well, but I just know that without this strict regime I will creep back to eating anything and everything and hating myself and being disgusted and feeling I've let myself and my family down, etc.

I will keep reading your posts if you don't mind, Laura, as I'm desperately hoping that some of your wisdom and determination will rub off on me.

Good luck with it, chuck. Stay focussed!

SW - 13st 6lb (29 May 06)Got down to 9st 7lb then put it all back onGW - 9st 6lb

Restart - 12st 13lb (30 January 2012)CW - 12st 1lb

GOALS1st - to reach 12s 7lb (Done - 17/2/12)2nd - to reach the 11s3rd - 1.5 stones gone by Easter 4th - to be overweight instead of obese 5th - to reach the 10s by June 2012 (Lake District)6th - to reach the 9s by end Aug 2012 (son's wedding)7th - to reach goal by end 20128th - to maintain FOREVER

Hi Tinley - thanks so much for your reply. You are right that I have determination on my side this time and that I really feel as though I am tackling this with my eyes open. Previous attempts have just been a "fixer" to sort out a gain. When I use packs in this way, I pay little attention to what I am thinking and feeling because I know it will be over soon. I am hoping that this time, because I know I am going to be doing this for a while, that I can stop ocassionally and think about what I am doing and why... afterall, that is the key to all this. If we don't know why we got here and we change nothing, we will only end up in the same place again.

Congratulations on sticking to SS for two weeks - a major achievement the second time around! Just remember that every time we return to this cycle we are doing so with a clean slate and our previous experience of abstinence to call upon - we are not back at square one by any means!! My only direct piece of advice so far is to never think of your weight loss journey in terms of letting ANYONE down - not yourself and certainly not others around you. This process is difficult enough without piling on that kind of pressure. Someone elsewhere on this forum (also a returner to SS) phrased it as "giving herself a gift" - that she would feel totally fab and proud of herself once she got to her goal and there is no nicer gift she would like to recieve. I really like that way of looking at it..... It certainly sounds more achieveable than thinking you will let everyone down if you struggle...

I am feeling quite proud of myself this morning - I have just sent a huge email to my mum telling her that I am back on packs and my reasons for it. I said that I was concerned that I didn't want to lie to her and I hoped she would understand. I just got a reply and she is being really supportive - so that is a huge weight off my shoulders. I am especially pleased because I was big and brave and adult about it (not the normal state of things when I am dealing with my mum - in some ways I am still stuck in 8 year old mode with her). It felt really good to deal with this from an equal footing and for the result to be so positive.... so in a fewer words.... phew!

Good luck Tinley and keep in touch (if I haven't scared you away!)
Laura
xx

You haven't scared me away and I'm really glad you told your Mum. I will do the same this time. Last time I didn't, as I said, and eventually she was so worried about my fast weight loss that she was convinced that I had cancer and kept begging me to go for a check up. In the end I told her that I was on a strict diet and was having some stress at work so, although she was worried, she was less so. This time I will confess if only to stop her worrying so much - she still will but at least it will be about what I'm not eating rather than anything else! I guess worrying is what Mums are for - it is certainly what I do most of the time with my own kids!

I do like the idea of "giving myself a gift" when I succeed rather than torturing myself when I fail. I'm going to the far east for my holidays mid-August and would love to have lost a stone by then. If I have, I will treat myself to something really special so that I can physically give myself a gift too!

I will be watching your progress closely, so don't you dare let me down ;-)

SW - 13st 6lb (29 May 06)Got down to 9st 7lb then put it all back onGW - 9st 6lb

Restart - 12st 13lb (30 January 2012)CW - 12st 1lb

GOALS1st - to reach 12s 7lb (Done - 17/2/12)2nd - to reach the 11s3rd - 1.5 stones gone by Easter 4th - to be overweight instead of obese 5th - to reach the 10s by June 2012 (Lake District)6th - to reach the 9s by end Aug 2012 (son's wedding)7th - to reach goal by end 20128th - to maintain FOREVER

Stick with it Laura. Thought I would see how you are doing. Feeling naff with myself the same as you. We vowed to stick with it last time but I am like yourself thinking of commiting to another month after faffing about with the last!!! To be honest I have been faffing around since the new year and not getting anywhere.

Feeling very unhappy with my body and the tightness of all my clothes and the old muffin top is growing daily:cry:. The thighs have also started to rub together again which when I lost the weight was one of the huge benefits especailly during the summer. Going to class tomorrow night so if you are there I need a kick up the a*se.

Thanks for commenting on my diary - was beginning to think I was waffling away to myself as per usual LOL.

Haven't updated for a couple of days because I haven't been near a computer. Decided on Thursday morning that neither my partner nor I fancied going to work so we took some short notice holiday to just chill out at home. Was really lovely - but I have to say it did make remaining abstinent seem even harder. I don't know why but being at home and away from my usual structure just makes me want to eat, eat, eat. Luckily... I held on by the skin of my teeth and am still in ketosis (and I have the breath to prove it - thank the lords you don't have smellovision monitors people!).

As of Saturday am (last time I was at work) I have lost 9.3lbs so feeling quite pleased with myself. Although I have to admit to not being 100% perfect. I have had more than one bar on a couple of days, and I have had a fifth pack on another day - but it was all deemed much better than sinking my teeth into something much more calorific so I believe I made the best of a couple of difficult situations.

I have also been giving my bath a good workout - there is nothing like hot bubbly water to sooth away the addicts cravings. I swear I was so bad yesterday (all psychological that is) that I couldn't relax at all - was sitting all huddled up and grumbling to myself - it was all I could do to not rock forwards and backwards in a scary nutty way!! LOL. I went up for a hot, deep and bubbly bath and returned a different person (much to my OH's relief!).

So clinging on and keeping going.
Claire I am in the office tonight but I am not taking your session (Nic is doing it) so I might see you if my class lets out a bit early.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do - maintainence is such a tough ride, but if we don't give up we will get there eventually!

Have a great week all - she says cringing at the thought of a 14 hour working day in abstinence!!

reading about other peoples decisions and struggles to return to being abstinent are so benificial to me.
I woke up this morning after weeks of messing about and had the same arguement with myself that i always have," shall i start tomorrow and have some breakfast?" but then i came on here and have just read your diary and thought to myself how much you mirror me!!!
I have just had my first milkshake of the day and actually enjoyed it and am now looking forward to the rest of my day and hopefully the next three will pass quickly and i'll be in ketosis before i know it!
I'm definitely going to keep reading and posting because it keeps me focused on my goal, thanks Laura you have been very motivational for me today! Good luck with the journey x

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