Welcome to our coverage of Young Boys v young boys. Liverpool travel to Berne for the opening match of their Europa League group without eight first team regulars. Steven Gerrard, Luis Suarez, Pepe Reina, Glen Johnson, Martin Skrtel, Daniel Agger, Martin Kelly and Joe Allen have all been left at home, popped in a big box along with some cotton wool and those little squiggly polystyrene shapes, and stuck under the stairs where the dog can't get at them, with the weekend visit to Anfield of Manchester United very much in mind.

Time may find that to be a very wise decision, but only if some of Liverpool's extremely youthful squad step up to the plate here this evening. Representing the club in Switzerland tonight is a group of players which includes Samed Yesil, Suso, Conor Coady, Andre Wisdom, Jack Robinson and Dani Pacheco. How many of these youngsters will end up playing is something we'll soon find out, but Brendan Rodgers has suggested youth will get its chance at some point. Meanwhile other more established players on the periphery of the first XI this season - Jordan Henderson, Stewart Downing, Jamie Carragher, Sebastian Coates and the not-quite-match-fit Nuri Sahin - have been promised "minutes under their belts". This could usher in an exciting new era for Liverpool. Or just be a wee bit messy.

Young Boys have only played English opposition once before, and were stuffed 6-3 on aggregate in a Champions League play-off against Tottenham Hotspur in 2010. But they won the first leg of that tie 3-2 - indeed they stormed into a 3-0 lead within 28 minutes - and will be confident of repeating that result against an inexperienced second-string team. "I don't think Liverpool can afford to turn up without their best players," says their coach Martin Rueda. "We can embarrass them."

Argentinian striker Raul Bobadilla and Swedish midfielder Alexander Farnerud will be the main threats to the youth of Merseyside, with four goals each this season already. If we factor out the own goal scored by Heart of Midlothian's Andy Webster in the Europa League qualifier at Tynecastle, those two men have scored as many between them this season as the entire Liverpool team have managed. Maybe Rodgers needed to give his misfiring team a wee shoogle about anyway.

One thing very much worth noting: this is Liverpool's 100th game in the Uefa Cup (which is what this is). The competition's been good to them: wins in 1973, 1976 and 2001, all of which proved to be springboards to greater success. What Rodgers would give for something like that this season. But it's time, almost literally, for baby steps. For now, you sense he'd settle for getting through this match unscathed, and perhaps the same again on Sunday against United, before regrouping and seeing how the land lies from there.

Pre-match plug for charity. "Although I'm hoping that Young Boys get beaten tonight, I'm hoping to be helping other young boys (and girls) in another way," writes Mat Williams. "Myself and four of my friends are climbing Ben Nevis in October to raise money for the excellent Starlight Children's Foundation who do an amazing job in giving seriously ill kids amazing experiences. They're also supported by Scott Minto! It may not sound like much, but we're the type of people who will do anything to avoid having to walk to the kitchen to make a round of teas, so reaching the top of Britain is a major challenge. Any donations would be much appreciated!" Mat and his pals certainly deserve your support, if only as reward for the reasonably entertaining Rick Astley based pun on their collection page. A cry for help indeed.

The teams are out!Young Boys are dressed in their trademark yellow, Liverpool are in their red with Burger King yellow trim. "I don't think the men (and women? Did they have 'men and women' back in 1976?) who made Liverpool's banner were completely bumbling their job," opines Mario Rustan. "Speculating on British relative disconnection with Europe, perhaps some members of the Liverpool FC believed that EUFA stands for the European (Union) Football Association. Some kind of Euro-FA. And their cup, which of course modeled after the FA Cup, was named the EUFA Cup." I think it probably was a translation switcheroo, yes. Looks quite odd these days, though. Still, innocent times. I'm still pining for the days of A-jacks and Joo-ventus. Is that so wrong? (It is wrong, yes, but you know what I mean.)

And we're off! Liverpool set the ball rolling. The ball's soon lost, and Young Boys are bombing down the right wing. Zarate looks to spring clear into the area, but he's caught offside as he chases what would have been a lost cause anyway.

2 min: Liverpool knock it around the back awhile. Pass and pass and pass and pass and pass and pass and pass and move, it's the Rodgers groove. They go nowhere, but we might have the germ of a top-five hit single here.

4 min: FARCICAL GOAL!!! Young Boys 0-1 Liverpool. Well, how about this for a comedy goal. Downing gets to the byline down the right and clips a ball into the six yard box. Spycher attempts to head the ball out, but succeeds only in nutting it straight into Ojala's coupon. The ball pings straight back into the top left of the goal, Wolfli rooted in shock and surprise. You'll not see anything more ridiculous than that all season.

5 min: Young Boys respond brilliantly, Bobadilla gaining a yard on a lumbering Carragher down the inside-right channel. He's in the area with only Jones to beat, but shanks his shot into the side netting. This is a very open game.

7 min: Assaidi drops a shoulder down the left and wins Liverpool a corner. It's wasted. "Does Downing get an assist for that goal?" wonders David Wall. "It might be well deserved if he did, it's the most dangerous cross he's played since joining Liverpool (though notably nowhere near any team mates as usual)."

9 min: Liverpool are stroking it around quite nicely at times, but Young Boys haven't had too much stuffing knocked out of them after that early slapstick blow. The busy Bobadilla looks to get on the end of a long rake down the inside-right channel, but is bustled out of it by young Wisdom.

13 min: Assaidi diddles around down the left, swings a cross into the mixer, and a Young Boy panics, slicing the ball out for a corner. Downing's set piece isn't too bad at all - he hasn't gained some confidence at last, has he? - but the ball's nicked away before Coates can steam in to head goalwards. Liverpool have over-committed, and Young Boys stream upfield. Farnerud bombs into the box from the right. Carragher steps into him from the side and knocks him over with his hip. Farnerud takes the opportunity to crash to the ground, but he's not getting a penalty for that.

16 min: A cracking atmosphere in the Stade de Suisse, both sets of fans giving it plenty. Raimondi is booked for a preposterous late lunge on Downing, who is facing his own goal on the halfway line. That's one of the stupidest tackles I've seen in quite a while, there was nothing going on.

18 min: Liverpool are stroking it around in a very pretty fashion, but whenever Young Boys get the ball and move forward they look threatening. Or, more accurately, the brittle Liverpool back line threatens to shatter into tiny pieces. Sutter makes ground down the right and miscues a cross behind Zarate and Bobadilla. Wisdom, on the opposite wing, cleans up.

21 min: Mind you, having said all that, Jones has yet to make a save. Nuzzolo attempts a trick or two down the left, but Downing and Wisdom lock everything down, and the Young Boy eventually runs out of ideas, kicking the ball over his own head and miles out of play on the left.

23 min: Nice patient work by Assaidi down the left. He executes one quick stepover, then lets the ball do the work as two opponents slide clumsily past. He pings a little reverse ball down the line for Pacheco, who has foolishly drifted offside. Assaidi is soon coming back at Young Boys, taking a shot from the left of the D that's deflected wide left of goal. Coates gets his head to the resulting corner, but doesn't direct the ball goalwards.

26 min: Zarate cuts inside from the right and attempts an adventurous curler into the top left. It's not on target, but it's not the worst effort you'll ever see. "Not seen the goal but your description immediately brought to mind crashing cymbals, slide whistles, horns etc.," writes Simon McMahon. "And, for some unknown reason, Nick Clegg." You thought my description was a disingenuous tissue of lies? Oh Simon!

28 min: Jose Enrique is grabbed by the breasts, Carry On style, from behind by Zarate. Both hands. A real saucy move. Free kick. Now that should have been soundtracked by Simon McMahon's slide whistle. The scene could only have been improved had Enrique's shorts fallen down to reveal a frilly suspender belt.

32 min: Liverpool look fairly comfortable at present, at least during the moments when their breasts aren't being kneaded as though they were supporting actresses in a Ray Cooney farce. "Frankly, I'm a little surprised and disappointed that the only photo we have from Napoleon's birth year is that of Liverpool fans celebrating victories in a yet-to-be invented sport," sighs Dah Man.

34 min: Zarate drops a shoulder along the byline to the right of the Liverpool box. Jose Enrique clumsily bundles him over. He's had enough of being a sex object! That's a free kick to Young Boys in a very dangerous position. Farnerud clumps the worst delivery in the entire history of All Football, hoicking the ball miles into the air and yards out of play on the left. What idiocy.

36 min: A magnificent sashay down the inside left by Suso, justifying a wee bit of the hype. It's a lovely run, putting Sutter on his backside. He reaches the byline and threads a ball into the centre past the stranded keeper Wolfli, but can't find Pacheco in the middle. Pacheco pulls his shorts up, like Antonio Cassano did that time. "Liverpool won the Eufa and the league back in 1769?" writes David Muiron. "No wonder their fans still live in the past, that is some glorious History!"

39 min: FARCICAL GOAL II!!! Young Boys 1-1 Liverpool. Bobadilla chases after a ball down the inside-right into the area. Jose Enrique keeps him away from it, but turns inside, blindsiding his keeper Jones, and clanks the ball straight to Nuzzolo, who coming in from the left claps the ball into the empty net.

40 min: FARCICAL GOAL III!!! SORT OF!!! Young Boys 1-2 Liverpool. This is getting ridiculous. Ojala nearly slices the ball into his own net from six yards out. He's lucky to see the ball just miss the left-hand post. The corner's sent into the area, where Wisdom meets the ball and powers the header into the right-hand side of the net. That's a marvellous finish by the young man. Nothing farcical about the goal itself, but Ojala, oh dear.

43 min: A majestic strike from distance by Farnerud, who advances on the area, opens his body, and sidefoots powerfully towards the bottom-left corner. Jones is beaten all ends up, but the ball clanks off the post and out for a goal kick. Young Boys were so unfortunate there.

HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT: Given that much of the defending on show during that 45 minutes was very much not the way to do it, here's Scouse chanteuse Joy Sarney delivering that very message.

That's actually quite sinister, though, isn't it.

The players are out again! And play's underway, Young Boys having set the ball rolling once more. No changes. I'll be very surprised if this is still 2-1 at full time. "I appreciate that the real howler for Young Boys's goal was committed by Luis Enrique," begins David Wall, "but he was only put in that position because Jamie Carragher was at fault in the build up again. Brendan Rodgers was talking before the match about Carragher continuing as a player for quite a while longer but wouldn't it be kinder to put him out of his misery and help him avoid risking his status at Liverpool? Similar to Gary Neville at United, Carragher was never especially quick nor especially talented. Rather what made the difference for both was their being able to put in more effort than other players. But it must reach a stage where someone is just too old, and tired, to be able to do that. Neville had the good sense to recognise that for himself, and it only took 45 minutes of being humiliated at (I think) West Brom, but if Carragher can't then perhaps someone should take the decision out of his hands, for his own sake."

47 min: The half begins with an extended period of Young Boys possession. It ends with Raimondi making good down the left and whipping a dangerous cross through the area. None of his team-mates have bothered to keep up, and the chance is gone. Jose Enrique, on the opposite wing, mops up.

48 min: Assaidi dances and jinks past two men on the left. When he reaches the corner of the area, he whips a fierce shot across Wolfli and towards the top-right corner. The ball bends away from the goal to the right and out of play, but that's a decent crack from an unpromising position.

49 min: Zarate nudges the ball across the face of the Liverpool box and hits a daisycutter just wide right of goal. That's an equally decent effort; it's been a bright start to the half at both ends.

51 min: Pacheco streams down the inside-left channel. Assaidi is in acres down the middle, but the striker opts to slide the ball left to Downing, who makes for the box then attempts to find Henderson, bombing into the area in the centre. Henderson can only clank the ball out of play to the left. A series of poor decisions made by Liverpool in that move, with Assaidi understandably het up.

52 min: GOAL !!! Young Boys 2-2 Liverpool. This is a brilliant header by... Ojala, the hapless stooge of the opening goal. Bobadilla swings a ball into the Liverpool area from deep on the right. Ojala rises and guides a superlative header into the bottom-left corner of the goal. Jones was never getting that brilliantly placed effort. Whether Jones himself was so brilliantly positioned is another question, but let's take nothing away from the header, especially after poor Ojala's travails early in the game.

55 min: Bobadilla Garrinchas down the right. Some twinkling twists and turns. He makes a bit of space down the wing, but is eventually crowded out of it and must settle for a corner. Jones plucks the ball from the air and sets Assaidi off on a counter-rampage down the right, but the move peters out when Jose Enrique arrives to roll a 1mph effort along the floor and into the hands of Wolfli.

58 min: Sahin has been very quiet. He's released into the area down the left by Downing, and clips a ball into the centre. The ball's not bad, but there's nobody there to convert. The old Liverpool problems resurface. "Has Jose Enrique been at the patented Charlie Adam Battered Diet for Athletes over the summer?" wonders Graeme Neill. "He looks like he has, ahem, bulked up." And there was me thinking it was the patented Charlie Adam Buttered Diet. I'd have been accusing him of all sorts!

60 min: Liverpool are on the rack here. Farnerud curls in a dangerous ball from the left, forcing Jones to dive forward and punch clear spectacularly. The ball falls to Sutter to the left of the D. He takes a first time welt at goal, but it's none too accurate.

63 min: GOAL!!! Young Boys 3-2 Liverpool. Borini is in the thick of the action immediately. Downing sends Jose Enrique scampering towards the byline on the left. Jose Enrique finds Borini at the near post, where the Italian forces a corner. But from the set piece, Young Boys scamper upfield. Carragher miscues under a long ball in the centre circle, and is muscled out of it by Bobadilla. The striker slides the ball wide to Zarate, racing free down the inside-right channel. Jones is out quickly to the edge of the area - perhaps too quickly - and Zarate clips an exquisite finish over the keeper and into the net. That's a marvellous finish. Liverpool, and especially Carragher, were all over the show.

64 min: Zarate, his work now done, is replaced by Gonzalez.

66 min: Suso slides a clever reverse ball down the inside-right channel for Borini, who goes for goal from a tight angle. The keeper parries round the post. Shelvey replaces Assaidi. And then the corner, from which...

67 min: FARCICAL GOAL 4!!! Young Boys 3-3 Liverpool. Downing sends the corner long from the right. Coates, level with the left-hand post, 12 yards out, guides a header towards the bottom-right corner. Borini swings a leg to poke it home, but hits a fresh-air shot. No worries, it was going in anyway. Borini claims the goal nevertheless. Both defences have taken the night off, by the way. They're either in the bar or on the bus halfway to town for a night out.

68 min: Nuzzolo is replaced by Schneuwly.

71 min: Suso cuts in from the right, dances past three challenges, then gets a rush of blood and blooters a wild shot miles over the bar. Meanwhile here's Cisco MacArthur on tonight's two-goal hero Juhani Ojala: "You may be interested to know that the Spanish word ojala is derived from the Arabic inshallah and means 'God willing'. Make of that what you will."

73 min: Spycher fizzes a 489mph backpass towards his own goal. Wolfli does magnificently well to trap it and clear. Liverpool are soon coming back at Young Boys, Coates charging down the field like a cross between Franz Beckenbauer and Andy Carroll (imagine). He feeds Shelvey, who cocks his leg to shoot, but the ball's taken off his toe just before he can skelp it goalward.

76 min: FARCICAL GOAL 5!!! Young Boys 3-4 Liverpool. This is getting silly now. Veskovac misplaces a pass, allowing Downing to advance on the area down the left. He slides the ball across the area to Henderson, level with the right-hand post. Henderson cushions a first-time ball back inside for Shelvey, who slaps home from eight yards. Young Boys were all over the shop. This game is a complete farce. It's very entertaining, but it is a complete farce.

77 min: Sterling comes on for Downing. "The point of the Europa League is quite obviously to show English football fans and clubs what football games sound like when you have non-stop chanting and loud supporters," opines Jan Krcmar. "Great stuff by the Bern supporters." Amen to that, brother. Preach on.

79 min: A low ball's swung into the Liverpool area from the left. Farnerud attempts to score a goal using his back while sliding through the Liverpool six-yard box on his head. I'd not have been too surprised. Nothing else is left. Jones snaffles.

80 min: Veskovac is booked for threatening to strangle Borini. I don't think he meant it seriously, but he's good at mime.

81 min: Frey replaces Zverotic.

82 min: The action is never-ending. Farnerud has a lash from 25 yards, aiming for the top right. Jones parries well. The ball returns to the middle of the park, where Borini leaves a leg dangling in a 50-50 with Ojala. He's booked for his trouble.

85 min: Farnerud, who has been excellent, fires a ball through the Liverpool area from the left. Frey misses the ball, as does Gonzalez. The ball's shuttled back into the area from the right, where Bobadilla cuts into the area down the inside-right channel. Running past Carragher, he belly flops to the ground, claiming a penalty. All he receives is a deserved yellow card, for one of the poorest attempts at conning a referee you're ever likely to see. The pelters Luis Suarez would have got for that.

87 min: Young Boys lump a long free kick into the Liverpool area. At the left-hand post, Schneuwly guides a header into the six-yard area. Frey is clear six yards out, but can only cushion a ludicrously soft header into the air, allowing Jones to pluck the ball from the sky.

88 min: GOAL!!! Young Boys 3-5 Liverpool. Shelvey, at 20 one of Liverpool's old heads, is set into space down the middle by Henderson. He drops a shoulder, nudges the ball to his left, and unleashes an aggressive pelt past Wolfli. Wonderful finish.

90 min: The Liverpool away support start banging out the showtunes.

90 min +1: There will be three bonus minutes of this. And there's the first, away into the ether.

90 min +2: Sterling - the youngest player on show, it's easy to forget - attempts to tear clear down the left but is caught offside. "Was planning on seeing the Farrelly brothers remake of The Three Stooges later on but don't think I'll bother now," writes Simon McMahon. "Had enough comedy for one night. The Young Boys fans must sing loudly to drown out the laughter."

FULL TIME: Young Boys 3-5 Liverpool. There is no point trying to analyse that, one of the silliest games of football that's been played in quite a while, other than to say Liverpool's starting XI won't be the same against Manchester United at the weekend. Plenty of strange moments, but it's been a good evening for Jonjo Shelvey, Andre Wisdom, and to a lesser extent Jordan Henderson and Nuri Sahin, who were quiet but tidy enough in the middle. Perhaps not such a good evening for Jose Enrique and Jamie Carragher, but Liverpool have started scoring goals at last, and won't be pulling too many threads this evening. I'm not much of a pundit, but I did say it wouldn't finish 2-1, you've got to give me at least that.