Believing in Everything I AM Nurtures Greatness

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I’ve known for years I’ve had it in me. I guess it just wasn’t priority. My MO is when I get uncomfortable enough in a situation, my priorities change. I’m currently in a new “uncomfortable” mode. Not the threatening uncertainty and chaos like most of my past. No, this is a gnawing continuous desire or challenge; depending on the days’ perspective. It too has always been therelatent, remaining at bay, waiting patiently for the time to finally become the priority. Funny how reaching a level of contentment you never thought possible; will evoke thosedormant pieces, alive yet untapped. So if this day is the discovery of uncharted territory; then let the adventure begin!

Being a late life bloomer, I’m convinced and fully believe I’ll live to at least 100. If there is one thing I DO have it’s survivor skills. Now, utilizing those skills in fresh innovative ways will be my challenge. But that ascent is still fairly futuristic. Any new adventure and challenge of my will always begins with the thoughts. Oh sure, I’ve had these thoughts before; but they have always been squelched by the necessity of the time period.

In retrospect I’ve noticed that everything has been barreling down to this target point. All else in my life, has been completed or moved out of the way. My last mental hurdle is shattering as I type.

I now realize that it is NOT selfish to pursue my own personal dreams. Nor do I need to carry guilt about the choices I’ve made any longer. Coining the phrase used by Brian Kelly (a former work supervisor) my life “Is what it is.” No going back. No ruminating like a fucking cow over all the mistakes and consequences. All that behavior availed me was a colossal waste of precious time. And at 55 healthy years old, time is an extremely precious commodity. So in the words of Bonapart:

“Circumstances?! What are circumstances? I create my own circumstances!”.

IT IS TIME TO CREATE!

The preface of this new focused adventure were rather morbid thoughts of:

Will I be remembered for anything when I’m gone?

Will my children ever think highly of me?

Will I struggle financially until the day I die?

Will relational, financial and emotional security always evade me?

Will I ever make something of my life?

Oh yes, I am so ready to crush the weighty rocks of contemplating where I’m at, to free the flow of where I am going…to see fulfillment of the visions in my head.

You see, my life has been a tapestry of dark and bright colors; every step of the way a charted course allowing me to become who I am right now. We all hold keys of enlightenment for others to grasp and rise out of their mire into new levels they never thought possible. This accomplished solely with an encouragement from our own lives. As pretentious as I’ve thought that was, I am so compelled to pen my tale I can hardly stand it anymore. Perhaps it is just a self-healing. Or a legacy to leave for my children, GBs and the nation I call mine. Sure I would like to think that it will be “all that” AND a national bestseller to boot; but when a desire becomes this strong I generally find a way to accomplish it.

Right now I am probably the most content I’ve ever been in my entire life. I actually have self confidence, a task which has taken me over 40 years to obtain. I am utterly and completely secure in who I am, whose I am and where I’m ultimately going. My spirit is experiencing freedom that I haven’t had in 31 years of walking with the Lord. He has given me a man who loves Him, prays with me daily and is one smokin’ hottie! How we got together, well that is a chapter in itself. I thoroughly enjoy the close relationships that are developing with my adult children and GBs (grandbabies). I’m within 25 lbs of my goal weight and the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have and will continue to face personal physical challenges, pushing my body to very cool limits. My spiritual enlightenment continues to broaden and the ability to manifest is blossoming. I’ve discovered I am one passionate individual and truly like who I am.

However, since finances have an incredibly huge impact on most everything else, I must rise up to a new level and I must remain diligent and keep writing until change comes.

I must hold onto the vision of complete unity within my nation, down to the very smallest detail and continue to speak it into existence. I must daily trust that our Source has my relationship with Roger in His hands and drink in every moment with gratefulness. And I must follow this unsatiable desire to write down my life story. Only the Universe knows the outcome and I trust I’m in most excellent hands.

So I will begin at the beginning. I will be as honest as I can. Please keep in mind that this is solely my perspective. Those involved in the unfolding as I present it; may have a completely different take on the same story. I only own my experience and mean no intentional harm to anyone mentioned. It merely “is was it is” as witnessed through my perspective and how it affected only me.

Dedication

First and foremost to the lover of my soul, who accepts me just the way I am and challenges me to be more like Him/Her each day

To my sons & daughters, my absolute best accomplishment in life. May this give you insight just where and when you may need it

Twoshay for this example! The things to be happy on my website today are Daily Prompts which engaged me to write – silly as it might be, I’m smiling and writing…heck AND posting this on my blog. Gonna try that cyber trick called a ping back. Oh my goodness the ping is without the pong! Now THAT would be a great Daily Prompt! What is a pong?

I beat the corporate door
until my foot got in
to the place of
arrival
I will seize the opportunity
to speak the truth
create a plan to increase production
while raising morale
a win win right
wrong
you hit the head on the nail
no one has ever had the nerve to
speak up
I like your passion
Lies
they like mediocrity
keep the dumbed down sheeple turnstile
rotating at all costs
content to utilize low standards of expectation
expendable lives to line their pockets
allowing integrity and work ethics
to be replaced with non-thinkers
who are easily controlled
the machine so rapidly chewing up dreams
that most concede their uniqueness
for the all familiar blue minion suit
incredulous that the obvious answers are
justified away by cost
aka greed
my frustration wanting to puke
out this insidious sickness
oh down with the sickness
America America May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness,
And ev’ry gain divine
I weep for my countrymen so blindly deceived
and refuse to lose hope
America will once again
be the land of the free
and the home of the brave
now on to sow seeds
in more fertile ground

Where were you last night at midnight? Would you have wanted to be somewhere else?

I was cozily under a lap blanket reading old posts on my blog. Surrounded by cats and our dog, my boyfriend Roger snoring on the couch. The only place I wanted to be was right there in that very moment. Warm, at peace, healthy and happy. Welcome New Year; brimming with freedom to just Be in each moment!

**My Self Talk: “Three weeks in and I’ve missed the mark more than once. I haven’t obtained perfection. I allowed people, food and freaking Marlboro Reds get to me. Again! When am I gonna get this right??? You’re so…..undisciplined, weak, lazy, worthless etc etc”

THEN YESTERDAY THE SUN CAME OUT! Now I was still in the fog, quite oblivious to what was actually occurring within me. I simply found myself joyfully smiling as I began my day. My workout had more enthusiasm. I snapped pictures on my way home. I didn’t mind going into work at 5 PM at all; for it availed me 4 hours out in my beloved woods. I continued clearing trails. I spoke to the trees and our creek. Sharing my appreciation and gratitude that they resided on our own piece of paradise. I got to visit with my Roger before my shift. I was full of energy at closing time and came home still on a blissful high. I slept 7 straight hours, first time in weeks. And lo and behold; I woke up with anticipation of another great day. Stepping out on the back porch, I look to the sky and see them. Tall and straight. Bare and exposed. Nothing hidden. “Wow!” I thought. “Just like me. I’ve been feeling so stripped down to bare bones. Financial burdens mounting, the goals towards my dream daunting.” I just stood there unaware of passing time. Breathing in every angle of the yard. Suddenly my focus shifted towards the sky. That crisp blue backdrop made those naked trees speak to me. “See our strong branches? We’ve weathered countless storms. Proud we are of our inner tenacity and fortitude. Soon another season of newness will be upon us. Again we will dance and charm you with our various green finery. But for now, we are not ashamed of our creative process. Our seasons will come and go. Change is life. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Embrace each change as you often come out and embrace us.”

The lessons resound around me each day. Once again Mother Nature has beautifully reminded me I simply must BE to truly experience freedom. Worry and stress less. Force NOTHING. Keep my intentions always in mind. Choose wisely. Take steps each day. Applaud myself often. See the best in every challenge and person. And remember “it’s not the destination, but the joy in the journey”. (if anyone knows this actual quote/author let me know).

I am a fireman. Running a marathon through a field of rotten crops. Crops planted with poor decision seed, bad relational seed, and a small handful of selfish seed. The good seeds choked by years of accumulated weeds. Weeds that believe they will overcome this fireman. Running, running, always pushing, always winded. With the flames of consequences ever lapping at my heels. I run in the heat. I run in the rain. I run in the snow. I run with a painted smile on my face. I run with an attitude sometimes full of hope and joy, happy to just run the race. I run some days with dread and foreboding hounding my heels threatening to over take and swallow me up. But run I must. This fireman mustn’t stop. This is a marathon I must finish, in spite of weakness; through doubt and resentment, this fireman mustn’t stop. There are, however, frequent pauses to turn and quench the fires raging with small appeasement payments. The fire is never satisfied. It roars MORE as it’s heat increases. It’s never enough, no it’s never enough no matter what this fireman does. So I pull up my boots, firmly hold the water hose and spray. Then run, this fireman runs harder. Sweat pouring bitterly out every pore. Desperate to reach the end of a field that seems to stretch to eternity. Hot voices, raspy from the heat, whisper in my ears, through headphones that can’t be removed. Constant static. Always there. Often bumping so loudly my ears bleed and the tears roll down my scorched cheeks. Volume controlled by my faith level. Some days the songs of praise and thankfulness drown out the nightmarish sounds. It seems just when this fireman wants simply to let the fire consume and end this life sucking marathon; the volume ebbs and sweet relief, like a salve is miraculously applied. It is poured over my head, precious balm of Gilead, and soothes and comforts the wounds of battle. Then there are the foxes. Foxes running on each side. Foxes with flaming tails labeled regret, resentment, blame, jealousy and anger. These are the baby foxes. There are also Mom and Pop foxes called Fuck It and Just Give Up. But a fireman mustn’t ever look to the left or to the right. NO! Keep on running, keep on spraying, stay strong little red fireman, stay strong! For there are hurdles in this field up ahead. Blockades of pity to climb. Barbed wire that scratches and screams, “You’re the only one that sacrifices! Why keep sowing good seed when you KNOW us weeds will choke you! Idiot!” “NO!” I shout back. Good seed must be carried and spilled as I run. For this fireman catches glimpses of those tender green sprouts. This fireman knows fields of glory and freedom are ahead. It is the foxes I’ve let crawl up my calves and plant their claws in my back that must be shrugged off. This fireman cannot be encumbered by unnecessary and deadly weight. Spray and sow. Run. Praise. That is the marathon firemen theme song. That is the hymn I have no choice but to turn it up. Precious rain does fall, but often this fireman forgets to look up and have my parchedness quenched. It runs down to the burnt ground leaving the Fire Chief shaking His head, His hands tied. There are warrior firemen you know. They would help my little red fireman if she would but call on them. They would come in an instant with powerful Word sprayed at those foxes.

“She’s sowing seeds of time and effort into young GBs and developing teens,” they might yell.

As the foxes attached to those she loves scream back,

“Just give me that seed and shut up!” Seeds of doing for others even when they have no thought of her!” they counter. “Stupid bitch! They will only call when they need something…hahah!”

The battle would rage but my warrior fire angels would continue to battle alongside her.

“Our fireman sows when others want to squander their seed not realizing our little red fireman sows for the good of an entire nation.”

“She’ll give in! She can’t keep up the race in those threadbare clothes. She’s made of flesh…flesh that wants things too!”

Oh my little red fireman often forgets she is not alone. No never alone.

“Look up!” The Fire Chief whispers.

“Stop at the next water station and drink in some new life. In this world, little fireman you will have struggles, but remember I have overcome them so you too can be an overcoming little red fireman. So take courage,” says the Fire Chief,o

“Run happily, continue to sow and that field of beautiful flowers will soon be on your horizon.”