Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This is why men do not sew

"The Apache Shirt" ?!? W. T. F.

Ok, let's set aside the 40-odd years since this thing was printed. Let's even set aside, for a moment, as difficult as it is, the fact that this thing just screams GAAAYYYY, and why it is just wrong that gayness should be stigmatized.

That guy looks mortally embarrassed. And he should be. You know why? Because he looks stupid. Because he does not look cool. Who looked cool in 1965? This guy looked cool. Check him out, dude's a badass. He ain't wearin no 'apache' shirt.

Ok, ok, apples and oranges you say. This is a hippy aesthetic we're striving for, not a greaser thing, or whatever this fella has going on. Fine. Look at this guy then. He's not wearing a dopey ass shirt either, because he's a real hippy hanging out at woodstock, and he isn't wearing any shirt at all, son!

Men do not want to look stupid. The options for sewing dude stuff will almost invariably make you look positively imbecillic. This is a damned shame. Lots of things about sewing are manly, even by the most neanderthal, archaic, family-values, poo-smelling standards. Sewing itself requires good hand-eye coordination, and a knack for geometry don't come amiss. It takes stamina. Trust me, once you've spent 4 hours wrestling 2 layers of canvas, 2 layers of fabric and 14 yards each of boning and bone casing through a machine about 150 times, you begin to understand why corsetmaking guilds in the 16th century were exclusively male: upper body strength. (Well, and trade monopolies, but you know.) Traditionally, all tailors were men. But there is much in sewing for the modern man as well! Sewing machines are manly. There are moving parts, greasy pistons, immanent danger of serious bodily harm by electric shock, blunt force and sharp objects moving at astonishing speed. There is engineering history, metallurgy, and industrial design.

And here's the kicker: sewing offers the potential ability for an otherwise unimpressive individual to slay the object of his desire by demonstrating competence on a daily basis.