Ron Paul 3Q Fundraising Drive Goes Nuts

Washington, D.C. -- The Ron Paul for President campaign released its latest fundraising figures for the normally slow 3rd quarter period the other day amidst little anticipation. Yet, to the utter astonishment of many, 4th or 5th tier republican Presidential contender, Ron Paul, triumphantly reported hauling in a cool $5.1 million bucks for the quarter - with $1.2 million of it having poured into the campaign during the final week of September alone - effectively confirming rumors that Ron Paul's fundraising has gone absolutely nuts, with no sign of sanity in sight.

"What in Heaven's name is going on here!" demanded the normally suave former Arkansas Governor and 1st or 2nd tier Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee. "How does a loony 4th or 5th tier and obscure libertarian/republican Congressman from somewhere in Texas rake in that kind of dough anyway?" (It should be noted that Huckabee's camp of beautiful people pulled in only 1 uncool mil, not 5 cool ones). Nonetheless, that's the 5.1 million dollar question we set out to answer. So, we turned to the Internets for our quest.

One of the first clues we unearthed was a piece from within the The Washington Times, entitled Them Ron Paul people. It was here that we first discovered the type of folks who are supporting the Ron Paul camp: "cock-eyed" and "cat hoarder people" with old beat-up nasty cars crammed full of... stuff.

Cock-eyed cat hoarder people? We found ourselves intrigued.

Next in our quest for answers we happened across a video clip involving the oh so insightful (not to mention drop-dead gorgeous to boot) Kate O'Beirne, wherein we learned that candidate Ron Paul's support originates from individuals who've never ever really moved away from home; hence, they tend to mooch off their collective mothers by taking up residence within their mothers' basements. It was at this point that we began to sense real progress in our quest for the facts.

Couple our newfound knowledge with 1st tier Super Premium Presidential candidate (not pretty, yet not exactly butt ugly either) Rudy Giuliani's perceptible giggles of ridicule during the Fox News Presidential debate whilst fellow candidate Ron Paul was speaking, a rather clear picture began to coalesce within our minds concerning the typical, albeit uncouth, Ron Paul supporter. Simply put, they're a bunch of dirty loonies who not only hoard cats inside their mothers' musty old basements, but these creatures sometimes even emerge from their holes en masse (not unlike those pesky cicadas), if only to attend a periodic Ron Paul rally or two, driving their old mud-covered jalopies stuffed to the roofs full of... stuff, along with all 4 windows down, and complete with red rag stuffed in their fuel tank snouts.

Thus, our quest for knowledge into how 4th or 5th tier Presidential candidate Ron Paul managed to rake in 5.1 million dollars in one typically slow quarter was almost complete by this point. It was clear to us by then that Ron Paul is a nut that is likewise supported by, well, nuts. However, the nagging original question still remained, if for a mere fleeting moment is all. For how did all of those dumb dirty people come up with all of that cash to send to Paul anyway - including 1.2 million in one week alone? Yet, just as quickly as the question resurfaced, from out of the blue the epiphany struck: why, from their mothers, of course! Mystery solved.

Join us next week as we attempt to solve yet another exceedingly important mystery surrounding the various campaigns for the Presidency of 2008. For now, however, I think I just heard mother upstairs. Perhaps she can spare the car along with some extra change....

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