I was in my apartment in my underwear and jerking off. I was sitting there on my couch, fucking myself real nice and then I blew a huge load. Then I farted. Now, that’s something that often needs to happen during or after sex, as anyone knows, but you usually hold it in, if for no other reason, to be polite or at least a little classy. But I was alone and I was already impressed with myself so I felt free to let one go. I heard a kind of laugh, it seemed. I looked up and saw two guys in my bedroom doorway looking at me with smirks on their faces. Once they were caught they took off.

The bastards were breaking into my apartment to rob me, and caught me jerking off, and stopped to watch. That’s just…weird. So they jumped out of my bedroom window, I’m on the second floor. I decided to go after them for two reasons. 1. I wanted to make sure they didn’t actually take anything. 2. I’m stupid.

I leaped out of my bedroom window and as I’m chasing them down the street a car screeches to a halt as I run in front of it, but it doesn’t stop in time to not hit me. I kind of lose my balance and fall over the hood onto the street. The impact of the car didn’t injure me in any way, but I scraped up my elbow pretty bad. So I was sitting there and the woman gets out and is freaking out and sees the blood, apologizing profusely. She wants to call 911 but I’m like forget about it. Then she sees cum on my shoulder (I said I shot a huge load and I wasn’t kidding) and says “omg what’s this?” I said, “cum.” Then she gasped and hopped back in her car and drove away.

The only other witness was this guy in the car behind her who stayed in his car the entire time, but pulls up beside me once she takes off. He gets out, helps me to stand, looks at my elbow and says, “you should go to the hospital, let me take you.”

I was like no thank you and I started to walk away. Then he opens the back seat door and tells me to get in and lie down he’ll take me to the hospital. I said again, “no thanks.” Then he grabs me and tries to pull and shove me into the back seat, grabbing my ass in the process. So I struggle briefly, because the man’s an idiot if he thought for a second he could take me on, and then I punch him real hard in the face and take off to the back of my apartment, since I don’t have my keys because I’m in my underwear, bikini briefs no less, so I have to climb back into my second floor bedroom window.

As I’m climbing up, the couple in the apartment below me take a pic of a perfect crotch shot, centered and framed even, by the window. Then they post it on FB and tag me. It isn’t long after the whole incident, and I’ve cleaned up, just the blood, the cum was already dry, that there were already tons of likes and comments about the picture.

Even Emma ‘liked’ my crotch and said ‘Nice!’ So that makes having two guys break in to rob me, spy on me jerking off and farting, twisting my ankle as I hopped out of my window, getting hit by a car, busting my elbow, getting groped and almost abducted, bruising up my fist with that freak’s face, and being exposed to my downstairs’ neighbors’ over 3000 friends on FB all worth it. But I’m going to ignore Emma’s ‘lol’

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I don’t know, I only “blew my load” projectile-like, once in my life, really early on. The rest of the time. . . well, never mind, but I always think that There’s Something About Mary scene is an exaggeration.