November 28, 2006

I am in a hospital. My mother is admitted there. But it is me who is dying. It is me who is suffering from an incurable disease. I am sure i will die within a day or two and everyone else is also sure of this.

My mother embraces me. But i push her hand away and yell “don’t touch me, or you will also suffer with the disease i am suffering from”. My sister is also there. She does the same as my mother and i also do the same by pushing her hand away.

Doctors say if i am vaccinated i can live for two more years. But i deny and tell that i dont want this vaccine. Everyone is pressuring me to get vaccinated. But i dont want becuase i am thinkin what is the use of living like this. How can you live when you know that you have to die after a particular period. I tell everyone that i want to die today only. I can not wait for the death to come to me. I can not live counting the days left for me in this world.

Well, this is what i was dreaming today morning. And now when I am well awake i am thinking that its not the matter of just 2 years. Everyone of us know that we have to die one day. Still we are afraid of that feeling. If we have to die some day then why not today? Just because we have some responsibilities on our shoulders, just becuase we are afraid of losing our loved ones? Will the things change if you die today or tomorrow? Will the things change if you are no more here in this world? I dont think anything is going to change. So why not today?

November 19, 2006

What is better, happiness or misery? What do you enjoy most - happiness or misery?

If it comes to me i enjoy my miseries more than my happy times. Because they are the ones that always show up the reality. They are the ones who make us face up the truth. They are the ones who make me realise who i really am. Happiness, on the other hand is a matter of just a short duration. During that time we even forget our real self and think that this time will be there forever. But its not true. Misery rules our lives.

Not only our miseries make us realise the truth but they also steel us for the future. They make our hearts stronger. And if you think that you really enjoy your happiness more, then it is also beacuse of your miseries. If there are no miseries in your life you by no means can enjoy that short time span of your happiness. As happiness comes after a long time of being in misery that’s why you enjoy being happy.

Miseries are meant to make us stronger, to iron us for the future and now i can proudly say that i am a stronger person than what i used to be. One of my close friends told me if he would have sufferred all those things that i am suffering he would have gone mad. Well, that made me think have i grown stronger or have i really gone insane. Yes, i am a stronger person now but one thing is also true that i have lost my sanity.

As it is said that too much of anything is not good, in the same way, even though our miseries make us stronger but too much of them can make you insane.

But its also true that now i am enjoying my miseries, i am in love with the pains that they bring and i love the things that i do knowing that i have lost my sanity.

November 10, 2006

wrote this a long time back, i think it should be there in my blog, so posting it here

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What is a friend?

Is a person with whom you have your meals, go to movies, trips, and spend weekends with, your friend or the person who is there for you when you are alone, feeling down, need some emotional support is your friend.

Well, different people have different definitions for friends. For some people, friends are those who can help you kill your time; for some friends are those who will always crack jokes in front of you, a piece of entertainment may be; for some people friends change with their likings, comforts and preferences, for some people friends come with age; for some friends are those who are really close to their heart and the categories goes on and on.

I will just try to explain these different kind of relations according to my experiences with the different people I’ve met till now (I know the experiences will still go on :)). I am not saying that I am too experienced person or whatever I think is the ultimate truth. You people may have your own feelings, your own thinking about friend and friendship, but for me these are not just two simple words; former is among the most important persons in my life and latter the most important relationship.

So, there are few people for whom friends are nothing but just the mean to pass their time so that they don’t have to be alone, get bored or anything. And these people remember of their so called friends when they are alone and getting bored, for all other times they have better means to live their lives. Same is true for the people who just see friends as some entertainment piece, whenever they are bored they just simply have to switch that entertainment piece on and enjoy the show and in other times they don’t need that idiot box and will keep it switched off.

Well, I am not saying this is a bad thing, almost every one of us does the same, but personally I don’t feel that we can term this as a relationship of friends. Yes, friendship is a relationship, for me if I say that this person is my friend then it means that I am in a relation with him/her. It’s not like that I can remember that person only when I am alone, getting bored or anything, rather I love to be with my friends always all the time.

And there is also a category of people who think they can not make friends after a certain age, 18+ not allowed, lol. These kind of people are also not wrong because for them also there are different relations that mean everything to them and they don’t want to extend their life beyond that. They think whatever relations they could have, have already been established in their school and university times.

And some people are like they get bored having relations with the same person, and try to look for new. Well this is a good thing to make new relationships but not on the sake of your previous relation. Such things look good in case of girl-friends/boy-friends but not for the friends. Well talking on this will mean slightly diverging from the topic so I will skip it.

There are some people for whom friends really mean someone important, who love to be with their friends always, who find it too difficult to let go off their friends and who really get emotionally attached with their friends. These kind of relations go very well if you are a bunch of boys or a mob of girls, but it really doesn’t go well if both the sexes are involved as a girl and a boy can never be JUST best friends. Even if they get to be great friends, not only do the people around them start thinking that something’s going around between the two but they themselves have some thoughts like these, damn I think he started liking me, isn’t he getting too emotionally involved in me? Why does he care so much for me is he right?

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Well I still can go on and on with this, and these are just my views, that too only at this moment. You may have different thinking, you may dislike me for whatever I said, but that’s what I feel and think at least at this moment, and that’s the way I am, and I can’t change it and if you don’t like all this, well I just don’t give a fuck.

November 9, 2006

Well, what will be more appropriate to open up the blog with a post called “Cut My Life Into Pieces“.

A lot of people ask me what the hell is this? Why do you always use this phrase. So let me now answer.

This is not just an opening line of my favorite song titled “Last Resort” by my favorite band “Papa Roach” but its something more than that.

I still remember the time when i first heard this song about 2 years back. And at that time i really was a person who was just pissed off of this life and didnt know what to do. I heard this song, liked it, repeated it many times. It became an anthem for me. That song seemed to be as if written just for me and i could associate myself with each every line of the lyrics of this song. They described exactly what i used to feel at that time.

I guess this is the time for you to have a look at them too

Cut my life into pieces, This is my last resort * Suffocation, No breathing
Dont give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding * This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces, Ive reached my last resort * Suffocation, No breathing
Dont give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding * Do you even care if I die bleeding ?
Would it be wrong, Would it be right * If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might, Mutilation outta sight * And Im contemplating suicide

I never realized I was spread too thin * Till it was too late, And I was empty within
Hungry, Feeding on chaos, And living in sin * Downward spiral where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother * No love for myself, And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level * Finding nothing but questions and devils