Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Choosing to be Thankful

On Christmas night last year...after Alexx went to bed and I was left with a quiet house. I sat and cried. I always cry when Christmas is over (because I love it so much) but I was crying because I was so tired of it never being my turn. Seems I always have at least one family member or friend pregnant, I take photos of precious couples expecting, etc... And while I am so happy for them I always have that nagging voice reminding me that, yet again, I have been passed up. And just keeping it honest - it really chaps me when I feel its an undeserving person - like someone who doesn't even treasure the kids they already have or they had no desire to get pregnant, but it just "happened".

I decided that night that for 2013 I would not let myself continue in this pity party. I had to be strong. I hate being weak and women who are not strong and independent annoy the hell outta me. I was better than this. I had to make some changes. I took baby steps. Some of those steps included taking care of me. For 2013 I allowed myself some of the following:

1. If I don't feel up to going to another baby shower - then I wont go and I wont allow myself or anyone else to make me feel guilty about it.

2. I don't have to go to church on Mothers Day. I had to have a little chat with my own momma on this one, but it was BY FAR one of the best decisions I made. I hate going to church on Mothers Day...it thoroughly sucks. I don't know what it is about being in the Lords house on such a day that brings on more emotions than normal...you feel sadness, anger, lonely, embarrassed, etc... along with feeling like a horrible Christian for even feeling such things. Ugh no thank you.

3. It's ok to have a day and cry it out....but then you get back up and move on. HIS grace is new every morning. Start fresh tomorrow.

4. Be Thankful. When I am at my lowest, I say what I am thankful for. When I feel bitterness coming I praise God for what HE has given me that others do not have. When I am overwhelmed I speak peace and have some "me" time.

I have tried extra hard this year to focus particularly on what I do have and not about the one thing that I don't have.

There have been some major tests too...I mean at one point I counted 31 lovely ladies on my facebook who were all pregnant at the same time. It was almost daily that I was seeing a "pregnancy announcement" pop up. I also have to constantly deal with a woman who does not take care of the two kids she has and does not give them near the love they deserve (more on that another day).

Some days weeks have been worse than others. I still had a few pity parties and 1 or 2 yelling sessions with God, but this year has given me more peace. I have found more joy. I have been more Thankful.

You are not alone. It's ok to feel what you are feeling, but I want to encourage you tomorrow and over the next several weeks to remind yourself of what you do have. Don't forget how amazing and wonderful you are. Extra hugs to you during the Holiday season....