HERMIT: Why Your Gaming Tastes are Sh*t

Warning: This article is going to say some pretty mean things about the games you like. Those with sensitive minds should grow the f*ck up and read it anyway. It’s meant exactly for your kind, and it’s called tough love, you babies.

The video game industry is bigger than it has ever been. Millions of people all over the world are regular gamers, whether it’s on a high-end PC or their cell phone. Meanwhile, advances in hardware technology allows developers to create experiences that are almost unheard of in the gaming medium. The future of video games is on the rise.

…Or at least, it would be if your taste in games weren’t absolute shit.

Your tastes in video games suck. They suck harder than every popular music artist in the last 20 years. They suck harder than your mom on the night the rent’s due. They suck suck suck suckedy suck suck. And you can take those stupid arguments like “taste is subjective” or “video games are made for everyone to enjoy” and shove ‘em. Those statements are wrong.

Despite the efforts of Zero Punctuation and The Angry Video Game Nerd, people still enjoy crappy games.

Believe it or not, there are indeed such things as “good” and “bad” in the gaming world. On the other hand, there is no such thing as a game of mixed quality. The simple truth is a game with a “mixed fanbase” is actually a terrible game. The only difference between it and a universally hated game is that there are a bunch of people who have deluded themselves into believing that the game is good. They do this to hide the fact that they just made an ass of themselves by blowing money on a crappy game. They’ll even go so far as to keep buying into future games in the franchise and say they’re great all to keep their precious lie going.

Well, I’m here to burst your bubbles and wake you up from this chain of stupidity. Since the damage has already been done by these franchise’s recent releases, I’m going to prevent you all from being disillusioned further by telling you the truth about their upcoming installments. You might think you’re excited about these upcoming games, but I’m here to tell you exactly why they’re all going to suck hard.

Elder Scrolls Online:

“Okay, everyone, here’s the plan: just click the left mouse button until all the enemies are dead!”

So I can enjoy a buggy, broken, and shallow RPG with other players now? At least Brokethesda’s not hiding what this series really is anymore: an MMO made for antisocial losers.

Bayonetta 2:

“Now with 90% more gratuitous crotch shots!”

Aside from the fact that a game on a Nintendo console is an automatic fail, does anyone outside of horny 12-year-olds and overweight weeaboos actually care for this game? There’s a reason why Sega cancelled it in the first place, and it has nothing to do with sales.

Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes:

Snake pays tribute to the game franchise that rendered him irrelevant over a decade ago.

Hooray, an overly-convoluted and nonsensical plot gets even dumber! Can’t wait to hear the five or six people who still enjoy this train-wreck of a narrative tell me “u just don getit, lolz!” on message boards for the next few months.* Also, the only people who like stealth games are absolute bores.

*This also applies to Kingdom Hearts 3 if Square-Enix ever decides to make that game instead of another dozen handheld spinoffs.

Bioshock Infinite:

Trust me, this will look just as stupid when you actually play the game.

Hey look, it’s Bioshock again, except it’s in the sky. How novel! I guess gamers still haven’t caught on that this game will be exactly the same as the first two Bioshocks, which were exact copies of System Shock 2. But hey, if Activision and Nintendo can get away with rehashing the same games over and over again, why can’t 2K Games?

Grand Theft Auto 5:

$10 says this girl’s not even in the game.

“COUSIN, LET’S GO BOWLING! COUSIN, LET’S GO ANTIQUE SHOPPING! COUSIN, LET’S GO DO A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF THAT’S NO FUN AT ALL! COUSIN, LET’S GO STIR UP ANOTHER IDIOTIC CONTROVERSY BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT!” I rest my case.

Tomb Raider:

The Tomb Raider fanbase shrunk rapidly when fans discovered they could just use the internet to get their porn.

Let’s ignore the fact that this franchise was never good to begin with (I know everyone else already has) and just laugh at the fact at how everything has come full circle. The newest Tomb Raider appears to be a straight ripoff of Uncharted, which in itself was a ripoff of both Tomb Raider and pretty much everything Hollywood has done in the last 50 years. I guess that’s video games for you: why make something original when you could be successful by stealing as many ideas as you can?

Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII:

Unfortunately, she used the $2 in store credit to buy Resident Evil 6.

Do I even have to bother explaining this one? If you bought Final Fantasy XIII and XIII-2 and are still considering picking this up, there is no hope for you.

The Last Guardian:

It’s 2012, and Sony is still relying on tech demos to sell the PS3.

It’s bad enough when people get excited for your average shitty game, but getting worked up for a game that will never be released is the holy grail of stupidity. Let this one go, cows; Team Ico’s last two games were shallow bore-fests masquerading as deep artsy experiences, and this game wouldn’t be any different.

Pikmin 3:

If this looks fun to you, then you are not allowed to a touch a video game ever again.

Like I said a few games up, game + Nintendo system = auto-fail. Moving on. It’s not like the sheep aren’t the biggest examples of post-purchase rationalization in this medium, anyway.

Mad at me yet? Good, you should be.

It means you’re getting several spoonfuls of the truth forced down your throat, and the part of your mind that refuses to admit how terrible your tastes are is trying to throw it back out. Gamers need to accept that the games they think they like are in fact total shit, or else video games will never get better.

Thanks to massive advances in technology, video games have the potential to become what they’ve always should have been: a respectable form of art. Way back when Atari and Intellivision were still the kingmakers in the gaming world, relatively crappy hardware kept games from ever hoping to be considered art. They had to be made with other ideas like “fun” and “entertainment.” Even when Nintendo, Sega, and Sony were advancing the medium and still actually relevant, games still had to rely on the idea of entertaining the masses.

Today, gaming hardware has finally caught up to the point where games can showcase serious artistic merit. Unfortunately, they still persist on these pushing these outdated concepts of being fun and for everyone, not for the people who actually take them seriously. Thus games like Amnesia, Cryostasis, and Braid get ignored while trash like Call of Duty, Skyrim, Gears of War, Batman: Arkham City, Assassin’s Creed, Xenoblade, Super Mario Galaxy, Team Fortress 2, and Metal Gear Solid 4 continue to give the uneducated masses a false idea of what gaming is really about.

If you all ever want to see this medium’s true potential, you need to wake up and accept the facts. Pull the publisher’s wangs out of your mouth and butthole, and take off your nostalgia glasses. It’s time for you to see video games and your tastes in them are just like your ass: full of shit.

About the author:The Hermit is a dedicated PC zealot who combines unreasonable elitism with a complete absence of self-esteem. Unable to leave the house on the account of his gargantuan posture, he is forced to spend most of his days behind his trusted computer, preaching the gospel of PC gaming to Lems, Cows, and other casual gamers.

7 responses to “HERMIT: Why Your Gaming Tastes are Sh*t”

Stop adding your shit articles to stumbleupon. They’re not informative. They’re not insightful. They’re not even well written dreck.

Stumble upon is for novel web experiences, not your butthurt ramblings. I don’t even like Nintendo franchises but your bitching is making 13 year olds look mature. It’s embarrassing. Get a fucking role model.

ok … to be honest i didn’t like any of the games listed above … but for you to say game + nintendo system = auto fail ????? that is what i call being an idiot
just because you don’t like the big N doesn’t mean it sucks ,,, its all about tastes body ,,

Okay, you are more than welcome to stay miserable, and I’ll continue to have fun with the games I love and enjoy. I hope you have a nice day, and try and get some sun. A nice walk in the park might do you some good.