ASK AMY: Advice for the real world

Her obsession with his past threatens future

Dear Amy: After dating my girlfriend for almost a year, we decided to move in together. That was six months ago, and it felt like a normal progression toward a greater commitment.

Everything went fine, except for one big problem. "Jan" has no respect for my things and has no problem going through them to look for signs of my past relationships. Then she grills me about them.

After she moved into my place, she began to look for old letters, photos, cards, my address book, old e-mails -- anything from previous relationships. I am 34 years old, and since high school I have dated, and thus I have things from people I used to date. These things were in boxes or drawers when Jan moved in, certainly not on display. However, the mere fact that I had these things in my possession made her jealous and angry. She never asked me nicely to dispose of these things. She acted on a sense of entitlement to find all of it, and, in a very dramatic way, threw it out or deleted it. Even things such as shirts and sweaters that she found out were gifts from someone else had to go, according to her.

Recently, an ex-girlfriend who still sends me a card once or twice a year sent a card, which caused Jan to blow up at me when I got home after she had gone through the mail. I told her that these little inquisitions about events in my life need to end.

What do you think?

This feels very oppressive and seems like a bad omen.

-- On Trial in Chicago

Dear On Trial: Forensic snooping of the sort your girlfriend engages in is disrespectful and destructive to your relationship.

This parading of her insecurity presents an opportunity of sorts, however. The two of you could use this as a reason to dig deep and explore all of your feelings, not only about exes but also about your relationship. If your girlfriend cannot see your point of view and learn to respect your past and a reasonable number of discreet material reminders of it, then it's time to move on.

Dear Amy: My mother passed away recently. I have lived next door to my parents for most of my adult life, and I have been quite happy with the arrangement. I feel that as long as I have to have neighbors, they might as well be two people that I adore!

My brother lives out of state, and he and my mother had their problems. My mother kept a personal diary for years. After her death, my father and I looked for the diary and it was gone. My brother has admitted to taking it while he was here during her final illness. He told me that there were some not-so-complimentary statements about him and his family in my mother's diary, so he burned it.

For him to have gone into her nightstand and removed something so personal is just unforgivable. I don't want to tell our siblings for fear that this will cause a rift. I can't tell my father, as he is 86 years old and still grieving.

I feel that I am being disloyal to my mother's memory if I don't do something.

-- Sad Sister

Dear Sad: I agree that you should protect your father from this betrayal. I also understand your desire to protect your family from the rift that the knowledge your brother's actions would cause, but you should keep in mind that any rift is your brother's responsibility -- not yours. Honestly, I don't know how he could face any of you knowing what he has done.

If you feel able, you could write a letter to your brother, expressing how you feel about his premeditated and deliberate act of theft and betrayal. Tell him that you have decided not to tell your siblings about this. Say that you expect him to admit to this act and apologize to you and other family members. Let your brother know that you have decided to try and shield your father from this.

You cannot guarantee that your brother will even attempt to do the right thing, but at least you are advocating on behalf of your mother's memory. This is your stated goal, and I think it's a worthy one.

Dear Amy: I've been following the dialogue about women wearing bras. With all of the choices for undergarments these days, I wonder why anyone still chooses to wear a bra.

-- Wondering

Dear Wondering: Judging from the response of bra-wearing readers, it's a question of support, my friend.