John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Having emotions—including tears—when you look at his picture is not “breaking down.” It is being human and sad and missing someone you love. (Published 11/27/2012)

Q:

In 2010, I lost my 2 year old grandson to an accidental gunshot. He and I were very very close. We had a strong bond.
To this day, it still feels as if it just happened. I wake up in the middle of the night and it will be my first thought. Usually at night right before bedtime, I sometimes feel 'waves' of despair or depression. I can look at his picture and break down. We buried him along side my mother and father. I have not been to the cemetery yet, even after all this time.. Sometimes I feel very guilty about that, but my fear is that I will hurt much much worse if I go.

There have been people who tell me he is in a better place, others who say I will never get 'over' it, that in time it will just get easier. For me, it doesn't seem to be going in that direction.

Will I ever feel happiness again?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kathy,

We know that the people who say all those things to you mean well, but as you know they don’t help you.

I’m sure we all hope that your grandson, and all the people we have known who have died, are in a better place.

While it may be soothing to believe that someone we loved is in a better place, the equally important question is, Are you in a better place?” The obvious answer is NO!

Also, the idea of “getting over” someone we loved doesn’t make sense to us. Getting over implies forgetting and you will never forget your grandson, nor would you want to.

And of course, the classic myth that “time heals all wounds” is clearly not true. Not for you or anyone else.

Happiness is possible, but time won’t make it happen.

The ability to reclaim joy in your life—in spite of the heartrending death of your grandson—will be the result of actions you will take to help you complete all that is untimely death has left emotionally incomplete. What is incomplete includes all the hopes, dreams, and expectations you had about the future with him, watching him grow up, etc.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines.

One more thing. Having emotions—including tears—when you look at his picture is not “breaking down.” It is being human and sad and missing someone you love.