Category: Law

Morton, Illinois: Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE. Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

Washington DC: GOP house intelligence committee chairman Devin Nunes, R-Ca, said today that he was launching two new investigations that could lead to the impeachment of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

When asked why he was holding impeachment hearings on a former President and a private citizen that never held the office, Nunes responded:

“What are you talking about Mocksham? I am the chairman of the intelligence committee. I know who I can impeach and who I can’t. I can impeach whoever I want. I can go back in time and impeach Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter if I want to. FDR. I can impeach your mom if you don’t leave me alone.”

When informed that impeachment can only be performed on an acting President, Nunes responded:

“ Stop being a smart ass. Are you the chairman of the intelligence committee? No. I am.”

“I am smarter than you, so go away and leave me alone with your fake news or I will impeach you too.”

Moscow, Russia: Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to buy the global television rights to US President Trumps trial for collusion and obstruction of justice, and to broadcast it globally on pay per view.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on vacation in Russia and traveled to Moscow for an interview with President Putin about his proposal.

When asked why he wanted the broadcast rights to any possible Trump trial, Putin replied:

“ Why wouldn’t I? This is going to be the trial of the century. An American President was being aided by, financed by, and influenced by a foreign government.”

“This is historical.”

“Besides, Trump is a businessman, Yes? He will understand the need to use the profits from a global pay per view audience of his trial to repay his debts to Russia.”

“There is no bankruptcy option with our loans Mr. Mocksham.”

“I offer to give the US treasury a small percentage of the profits. That should be enough to pay back your national debt to China.”

“Ironically, Donald will be keeping his promise to reduce the deficit.” Putin said as he smiled really big and looked to the west.”

Washington, DC: The GOP controlled US Senate has moved a step closer to their dream of finally repealing and replacing the ACA, or Obamacare. GOP senator Palpatine has been the force behind the new legislation.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted an interview with the senator in his Capitol office. When asked why he is supporting a health care bill that will leave millions of low income and elderly Americans without coverage he answered:

“Do you feel the hate? … It is the source of my strength. Americans hate me. No matter. Today I have the power of life and death over my constituents.”

“Their fear and loathing make me glow with power” he proclaimed as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“The masses have no need for Medicaid any longer. Their suffering is how a society becomes stronger Mocksham.”

“McConnell thinks that these were his ideas, when in fact they were mine, cleverly suggested to him so that he could feed them back to me. Also, Trump is weak and far too trusting…”

“Yes Mocksham, I sense your anger, YES….LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.”

“Now, can you see the futility of taxing wealthy Americans to care for the sick?”

“Join me with your real fake news Andy, and together we will be unstoppable!”

Washington, DC: The Trump administration celebrated national 4:20 day by openly smoking marijuana for the first time. The President decided to embrace the future for at least one day but vowed to bring back all of the old destructive “War on drugs” lunacy as soon as everyone “becomes assholes again” after mellowing out for 24 hours.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, an avid 19th-century prohibition enthusiast, met up for a one on one with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham for a Q & A at the White House. When asked how he liked cannabis, Sessions responded:

New York, NY: Fox News Corp, a subsidiary of 21st Century Fox, announced today that it was moving notorious misogynist and political news fabricator/anchor Bill O’Reilly to a new adult news show that will air late at night.

The move was aimed at stopping the hemorrhage of advertisers away from O’Reilly due to his multi-million dollar settling of an orgy of sexual harassment lawsuits brought forward by former female employees of his show.

O’Reilly refused to meet with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and his office had no comment.

A source at Fox News who wanted to remain anonymous told the RFN this:

“The network had to do something. He has very high ratings. They realize that even though he is a total pig, he has loyal viewers.”

“Our marketing people hooked up and banged out a bold solution. A new late night “Adult swim” type of news show that will appeal to his loyal viewers, while at the same time attracting younger, sexier, open-minded Americans who like an edgier hardcore news show.”

“We have already picked up a whole new batch of advertising from Viagra, Cialis, Playboy, Maxxim, Penthouse, Porn Hub and many condoms and adult sex toy manufacturers.”

“I have no problem nuking this chamber to get rid of a Democratic filibuster” McConnell squealed in his high pitched turtle voice. “If they want war then I will give them war!”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with the Kentucky Senator inside of his DC area home where he spends most of his time in a temperature controlled aquarium inside of his protective shell. When he asked why the Nuclear option was on the table, McConnell replied:

“These asinine Liberals don’t have any power anymore. They are in the minority and I hate minorities. If this bunch of Miscegenates wants to challenge my superiority over this chamber, then I will lay them to waste.”

When informed that the ‘Nuclear’ option is just a metaphor and not an actual weapon that he can use to destroy minority, mixed race and liberal Senators, McConnell lashed out:

“Don’t you toy with me Mocksham. I have been working with weapons experts at the NRA and KKK and we have developed a tactical partisan nuclear device designed to end the scourge of minority interference in my chamber.”

“We have named it the “Filibuster Buster Bomb.”

“My turtle shell will protect me and all of the Senators that have pure conservative white or turtle DNA.”