I need a new job. Minimum wage isn't cutting it any more. I had fun taking things easy, meeting my needs with minimum work. I'm ready to put in my 40 hours, though, and I'll be damned if I give those hours to something that gives me the bare minimum. I'm worth far more than 7 an hour. I want a car, the bike is fine, it's great exercise, but holy fuck I want to take a girl out. Three more months until that's even a consideration, so I have time... I need to be patient. I can't stress about not having the job I want right away. I applied to this place, they said they'd have an answer for me before the end of the day. They closed over an hour ago, heard nothing from them. I'm going to be there when they open tomorrow to hand in my resume.

The manager at a restaurant I applied to a couple of days ago said all spots were full. I just got off craigslist, and posted 2 days ago by them was an ad looking for servers and bartenders. I'm thinking about asking my boss to cosign a lease, but that's not necessary right now. I'll give myself this month to see what I can do with what's around here. It'll be good for me.

I feel tense in my stomach. Haven't eaten for 46 hours, but I had a coffee and napped a coupla hours back. It's like that hole that was there yesterday is filled with a smooth wet cement. What would be a knot in my throat is more of a fat ribbon, big as a monarch butterfly. I also feel weak, even though my mind is sharp enough, to say the least. I feel deflated in my quads and delts. I think it's because I worked out the past two days. I want to lose this last roll of fat. It's been there for years. I'll ride my bike and squeeze it to see how much I have left. It's always there. I'm defined everywhere but my gut. It's the worst on the sides. I have a thin waist,it makes me look pudgier than I really am. With my shirt off I feel fat. With a shirt on I feel strong and fit, the right shirt is like a perfect mask. I've always said "in 3 months bla bla bla" and the fat is still there. I can't tell the difference that much sometimes. I have strong shoulders and strong legs. Solid biceps. My back is awesome. My chest is cool, even though it's concave at the septum :S My butt could be bigger. I'm working on that. I want a strong ass ass. lol. It's this damn flap of fat that fucks with me though. I want my abs to be seen. I would feel so sexy. 5 pounds and I'm there.... but not really. It's probably 10. I've been trying since I was 19. I'm 26 now. I'm closer than ever, though, so that's actually pretty damn great. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I feel hunger.

I wonder what Eminem has to say on Pandora. Nothing. But 50 Cent is supposed to die tonight. Aye dios mio. MGK is telling dudes to Hold On and shutup. He rolls eight joints and gang bangs hos. Not my vibe.

Ooh, Selena Gomez, lol. Come and Get It, it's a catchy song. It's been almost a year since I've been with a woman. That's fucking awesome for me. I haven't relied on sex to make me feel better like I used to. I used to crave it sometimes, those fitful nights. I've driven through shady neighborhoods looking to score weed, xtacy, lsd. I only ever found weed that way. It was the same Seeking behavior/drive that took over when I drove through shitty neighborhoods looking for prostitutes. I only had sex with one that way, she was a blonde, and it happened a couple more times than a couple. $40 for sex, $20 for a handjob/blowjob. She wasn't bad looking. Just addicted to drugs. Another time I went to a pimp's crib w a friend. She was sexy. I came fast, but I held it off just a little bit. She was very hygienic, rubbed my penis w rubbing alcohol before putting the condom on. Another time we called a number given to us by a friend. She was not in the best physical shape. She was flabby. I played w her ____ before I put it in. I actually prematurely ejaculated before I even got it in. I still went at it a little bit so she wouldn't think I was lame. Then we talked for more than a little bit while my friend awaited his turn. Afterwards he was wondering why it took me so long. I didn't tell him it's bc we were talking. I just wanted somebody to talk to, really, to listen to me.

I used to go on adult dating sites. I didn't respect women when I messaged them. Here's what I copied and pasted: "you know... .It would be such a rush... To rip off your panties... grab you by the ass and pick you up, push you against the wall with your legs wrapped around me... Pin your hands up... And shove in my hot dick, hard .... Deep.... .Rough....I want you to feel how warm my cum is... How deep it goes.... How hot it feels inside you.... ..And after, shove my cock back inside you and leave it there... Not moving... And if you try to fuck me I smack your face and make you wait for my warm wet dick... then to bend you over... And only let you touch my cock if you let me smack your ass hard, so you feel it burn, stinging while I shove my cock in.... And once we cum again, throw you on your back and lift your legs... Have you feel it drip down to your ass.. and lick you from ass to pussy to clit.... Sucking on your clit while i finger your ass deep..... Buuuut I'm jk... I'm not a freak like you are ;)"

There was another one I'd post, too. Very similar, started with "Hope I'm not coming on too strong, but...." etc etc. I treated every woman like an object. I offended many. If a stranger wrote that to my sister I would have thought he was sick. I got a lot of responses, though, believe it or not. From sexy women, too. I dig the freaky stuff, it's just not appropriate to introduce myself that way, it's rude, inconsiderate, sexist(?), misogynistic. After I had sex with women I was different. I didn't just get up and leave, I was never rude, I stayed longer to talk even when I felt sick and caving into myself from shame, because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I listened, I really did. I had real conversations, and was great company. I just had to have sex first. And I knew that if I started off that way I'd attract women just as needy as me. It was a litmus test, and I gave myself away freely. When I didn't get a hit with an attractive woman my standards would lower, bit by bit. Some were fat, wrinkly, saggy, old, lonely, desperate, had mental issues. I was very attracted to older women. Part of my mom issues. I gravitated towards a lot of older women so I could feel nurtured. Late 40s. Early 50s.

I kind of want to get back on that site, rewrite my profile, tell em more honestly about who I am, what I'm looking for, make it clear I don't want sex to start things off, and that I won't ever send the first message. It'll be hilarious when I get no messages after a coupla weeks. haaaa. lmao. I don't even know, I'm probably just planting some faux-innocent seed so I can later indulge in sexual debauchery. What a duplicitous auspice. You know how it would go? I'd tell myself "I'll check once a week, on Sundays." and then check a lot more than once a week on Sundays.

hmmmm..... Ima do an experiment. I've got my profile back on and reworded, tweaks to come. Gotta put a nice photo up, too. And then I'll check her again on Sunday, and see what happens.