Arsenal Fan TV Star’s Hunger Strike Enters 6th Day

The hunger strike of Arsenal Fan TV star Chesney Winklebottom (aka ‘Troopz’) has entered its 6th day outside the home of Arsène Wenger. The Londoner has not eaten since Arsenal announced an extension that will keep Wenger at the club until 2019.

Blood

“I ain’t taking it no more blood,” the notorious hothead told Soccer on Sunday. “You feel me blood? If that fucking fraud won’t resign, then he can scrape my rotting corpse off his driveway about a week from now, blood. And he’ll have to honour my final wishes, blood. I want to be buried face down under the centre circle at The Emirates, blood. An ass cheek either side of the halfway line, blood.”

“I mean it, I ain’t eating until this fucking fraud is gone,” said Mr Winklebottom. “Ok, my brother Percy brings me the odd doughnut each morning, and a couple of kebabs in the evening to take the edge off the hunger. But Percy’s blood, blood. And blood is thicker than water, blood. Blood blood, blood. Blood? Blood. Blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood.”

“Blood,” added Mr Winklebottom.

Wenger

Wenger insists that the hunger strike will not influence him to change his mind about staying on.

“No, Mr Troopz can fuck right off,” the Frenchman told Soccer on Sunday. “My focus is Arsenal football club. Not bending to the whims of someone who can’t stop saying ‘blood’, like a half-pissed vampire. And I can promise Mr Troopz that if he crosses the line and sets foot on my property, I will smash his head in with the FA Cup.”

“I doubt the man will die of hunger anyway,” added Wenger. “He arrived in an Ice Cream van with the name Winklebottom’s Wibbly Wobbly Wonders, Blood written on it, and he’s been sleeping inside. If anything, I think the tubby little shitebag has put on weight.”