If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
“Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

It’s pretty much box office fact the It (2017) remake was one of the best horror movies of that entire year — if you don’t count the ongoing horror show in the White House. So leave it to talented artist El Mescalito to recreate Pennywise, the movie’s bowel-loosening monster clown, as a 9-foot tall paper mache sculpture. It gets better — you can buy this living room enhancing piece for $4,000.00. And you won’t have to look down any sewer drains to find it; this incredible objet d’art is currently on display in Santa Monica, CA at the Copro Gallery. (Or you can click HERE)

While we’re all racing around the house to find all the pennies we can to buy it, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a sewer…

THE LULLABY (March 2, 2018)
“Chloe is overwhelmed by the birth of her first child. The incessant crying of her baby, the growing sense of guilt and paranoia sends her into depression. With a heightened urge to protect her son, Chloe sees danger in every situation. She starts to hear voices, the humming of a childhood lullaby and sees flashes of a strange entity around her child. Convinced that the entity is real, Chloe will do everything in her power to protect her son. Is she haunted by evil or is it just the baby blues?”

May not need to see this movie as my neighbors just had a kid and that thing won’t quit power crying, day or night. Got a dirty look when I bumped into the new father and told him he maybe he should feed it every so often to get it to shut the heck up. (It’s a newborn, so I didn’t use the “hell” word.) Then again, maybe there’s an entity in this apartment building stirring up the kid. Other than me, that is.

HURRICANE HEIST (March 9, 2018)
“A team of tech hackers infiltrate a U.S. Mint facility on a small coastal town to steal $102M in cash, just as a disastrous Category 5 hurricane, the storm of the century, is about to strike and level it to the ground. The only other two people left in the town — a meteorologist and a female treasury agent — must survive the horrific storm while stopping the thieves from getting away with the heist of the century.”

Sounds like TheWeather Channel’s version of The Fast And The Furious (2001). Sure hope the hurricane doesn’t cause the criminals to “blow” all that money. Heh.

THE ENDLESS (March 23, 2018)
“Two brothers return to the death cult from which they fled a decade ago, only to find that there might be some truth to the group’s otherworldly beliefs.”

As social clubs go, death cults aren’t that much fun. That, and they dress weird.

THE BODY TREE (2018)
“When a group of Americans travel to Russian Siberia to honor the memory of their murdered friend, they uncover a plot that threatens all their lives.”

Man, I know I’ve seen this movie’s poster art before and…oh, wait — now I remember…

Lovin’ the prankster “marketing” of Stephen King’s It re-boot (releasing September 8, 2017). One comes from Pennsylvania, specifically Lititz Borough, located about 40 miles southeast of Harrisburg. Someone tied the “kid bait” iconic red balloon to sewer grates. For those who know, this is where the demonic clown Pennywise lives, lures you in, and makes you load your britches in fear. Coincidence all of this takes place in a sewer?

The other one comes from Stephen King himself, tying a red balloon in the window of his famous Bangor, Maine house for visiting trespassing gawkers to see/photograph. I don’t know why, but I find this to be quite funny.

The film is getting a huge pre-buzz and looks to scare the clown paint off your face. While wade through sewer holes to see it, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to honk your clown car horn…

5-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (available now)
“Shaped like a terrifying starfish, a shark that has five heads terrorizes the open ocean and invades the beaches of Puerto Rico.”

Don’t know how this one got by me. I must’ve been manscaping. Or kazoo busking (I’m getting quite good at it — I’m now a double income lower class earner.) This shark week franchise got it’s start back in 2012 with 2-Headed Shark Attack. Then came 3-Headed Shark Attack in 2015. Waited anxiously for 4-Headed Shark Attack, but I think they just skipped the line and went for the brass life ring with 5-Headed Shark Attack. These types of movies don’t really need a plot — just get some screaming bait in micro bikinis and ring the dinner bell. As goofy as the premise is, you couldn’t pay me NOT to watch it.

COLD MOON (October 6, 2017)
“In a sleepy southern town, the Larkin family suffers a terrible tragedy. Now the Larkin’s are about to endure another: traffic lights blink an eerie warning, a ghostly visage prowls in the streets, and graves erupt from the local cemetery in an implacable march of terror. And beneath the murky surface of the river, a shifting, almost human shape slowly takes form to seek a terrible vengeance.”

It’s probably Pennywise. If so, props to his agent for him scoring another showcase role.

DEATH HOUSE (January 26, 2018)
“Two federal agents fight their way through nine levels of Hell inside a secret prison known as the Death House. A facility-wide prison break turns their flight into a tour of horrors as they push toward the ultimate evil housed in the lowest depths of the earth.”

Almost the same plot premise as Baskin, a Turkish horror movie released in 2015 that’ll make you give up eating rancid ground hamburger floating in an otherwise delicious ketchup-based sauce. As for the nine levels of Hell, you can enter three of ‘em on your way to the men’s room at The Tug Tavern.

LET THE CORPSES TAN (aka Laissez bronzer les cadavres!/2018)
“A Mediterranean summer: blue sea, blazing sun…and 250 kg of gold stolen by Rhino and his gang. They had found the perfect hideout: an abandoned and remote hamlet now taken over by a woman artist in search for inspiration. Unfortunately, surprise guests and two cops compromise their plan: the heavenly place where wild happenings and orgies used to take place turns into a gruesome battlefield.”

This one might need to be nominated for movie title of the year award. Gotta love the colorful press release: “wild happenings and orgies” and “gruesome battlefield.” Sounds like a heavy metal box social.

S.U.M.1 (2018)
“An aggressive race of aliens took over Earth and humanity’s at its end, living in giant bunkers below ground. Young military rookie S.U.M.1 is sent to the surface to save a group of unprotected survivors.”

Recalls Battle Los Angeles (2011) and about another hundred sci-fi movies featuring aliens. Still don’t know why extraterrestrials are so hell bent on conquering we Earthers; maybe it’s on their to-do list.

Every month they change the fresh sheet at JaK’s my fav steakhouse of all time and space. (My accountant looked at my receipts and asked if I owned stock in the place. By now I should.)

June’s fresh sheet came out and right there in print was the…Rib-Eye Godzilla. This is no joke — and get this, it comes with a side order of screaming citizens! (Okay, that part was a joke.) Wonder if it comes with an order of Tokyo? Regardless, you now know what I’ll be eating for the next 30 days,

Speaking of tasty, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not satisfy your city-crushing hunger…

BEHIND THE SIGHTINGS (October 2017)
“Based on over 112 hours of footage recovered from the personal belongings of aspiring filmmakers Todd and Jessica Smith. The husband and wife filmmaking duo were investigating the 2016 creepy clown sighting epidemic. The first clown sightings occurred in August 2016 in Greenville, South Carolina. Authorities were alerted to reports by neighborhood kids stating that creepy clowns were appearing in the woods near an apartment complex. The clown sightings spread to all 50 states and across Europe. Todd and Jessica were attempting to track down clown sighting witnesses and the clowns involved in a rash of creepy clown sightings that plagued an eastern North Carolina community.”

A little late on the clown sighting social phenomenon, which I though was a clever promo for the new It (2017) movie. The funny part here is that people who took part in the clown sightings were in fact already clown themselves. Think this goes in the “already seen it” file, which is right next to the “stupid dumbasses” folder.

MIDNIGHTERS (2017/2018)
“Midnight, New Year’s Eve: when all the hopes of new beginnings come to life — except for Lindsey and Jeff Pittman, whose strained marriage faces the ultimate test after they cover up a terrible crime and find themselves entangled in a Hitchcockian web of deceit and madness.”

Hitchcockian web? Hitchcock was a spider? Now his movies all of a sudden make sense.

BLACK PANTHER (February 16, 2018)
“Black Panther springs into action when an old enemy threatens the fate of his nation and the world.”

Marvel’s Black Panther was a hugely welcome debut in Captain America: Civil War (2016). That cat had some sleek moves. So it’s with some sort of glee I’m looking forward to an entire movie devoted to his sleek moves. Of course, African-American superheroes have been around for some time, but not nearly as much as their counterparts. For a recent example watch Luke Cage (Netflix). He also hooked up with Jessica Jones in her TV series. Lucky guy. Off the top ‘o my noggin is Hancock (Will Smith) Storm (Halle Berry) Spawn (1977) and yep, I’ll through in Asgard’s Heimdall (Idris Elba). But if you wanna go really obscure, try The First Black Superman, released back in 1977 when hippies ran free and personal hygiene was dubious at best. Fun watching how your parents acted when they were young and stupid.

ANGEL (pending crowd-funding)
When a brutal massacre plagued the isolated and peaceful town of Raven Rock in 1986, the remaining residents fled, leaving the once tranquil community behind. For thirty years the town has been chained and walled off from the outside world while deteriorating and crumbling. However not all has been quiet as disappearances have been attributed to the supposedly haunted town. Now a headstrong journalist and her team venture to Raven Rock to investigate the town, its history, and the missing persons. What they will discover is sometimes the truth is more disturbing than myth and Raven Rock is still being occupied.”

Sounds like a direct lift of 2006’s Silent Hill. That one had really cool weirdo monsters in the abandoned town. Ghosts, too. You’d think that be a tourist attraction instead of, say, a Ferris Wheel run amok. And don’t get me started on that possessed Tilt-a-Whirl, the only amusement park ride that makes you pay to reverse vomit.

Too bad I can’t make photocopies of myself so I can watch all these new horror movies at the same time. I looked at some of those fancy pants 3D printers on eBay™, but I’m better off developing a split personality than shelling out mega fun coupons for those cool but financially out of reach machines.

KILLYJOY’S PSYCHO CIRCUS (out now)
“Killjoy, the demon clown and his gruesome crew — Batty Boop, Punchy and Freakshow — have finally made it to Earth. Killjoy has settled in and is starring in his own web series called Psycho Circus. But two years down the road, Killjoy discovers that life here on Earth is a drag, filled with inconveniences such as eating, breathing, taxes, immigration and mortal sex.”

The pop rock ensemble KISS released an album called Psycho Circus back in 1998. Killyjoy (also wearing clown makeup) felt it was okay to steal the name for his movie. It is not. Nevertheless, this is the fourth sequel in a budget-restrained franchise, which began with Killjoy (2000), Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil(2002), Killjoy 3 (2010) and Killjoy Goes To Hell (2012). P.S. Killjoy is guilty of more intellectual property theft: the movie rips off its name from Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993). Also, they took their kicker line from the 1974 Emerson, Lake & Palmer album. I should be a lawyer.

DON’T F#CK IN THE WOODS (out now)
“A group of friends are going on a camping trip to celebrate graduating college. But once they enter the woods, the proverbial sh*t hits the fan!”

Of all the things you shouldn’t do in the woods, sex isn’t one of ‘em. Unless you don’t want deer ticks crawling up your outgoing mail chute. While DFITW is currently available for your voyeuristic viewing pleasure, it also comes in an “extremely limited” big box VHS format (for $40). That’s pretty dang cool. Just don’t watch it in the woods while you’re having sex. Keep your eyes on the prize.

AMERICAN BEAST (aka, Solitude, Beast of Prey / January 3, 2017)
“After his mother’s death, James Erikson discovers her old storage locker filled with journals and newspapers of his family’s history. As he researches it, he finds out about the evil that his family has tried to contain for several generations, beginning in 1939 on a mysterious piece of property in a small town called Solitude.”

Um, Superman might have issues with you calling your town Solitude when he’s been wiping “S” in the Fortress of Solitude since moving out of his step-parents’ house. Looks like someone’s a werewolf in American Beast, if you’re judging this movie by its cover. Too bad they went with the claw — it’s been used before. Several times in fact…

IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2017)It Came From The Desert is and independent sequel to legendary video game by Cinemaware™. The film is set to modern time, 60 years after the original game’s happenings.”

Giant ants in the desert. I liked it better when it was called Them! (1954)

Too bad horror movies can’t be as scary as the 2016 election. Good thing horror movies don’t last four years, though. I like my horror in 90 minute doses.

BEYOND THE GATES (December 9, 2016 / VOD / Limited)
“Two estranged brothers reunite at their missing father’s video store to liquidate the property and sell off his assets. As they dig through the store, they find a VCR board game dubbed Beyond The Gates that holds a connection to their father’s disappearance and deadly consequences for anyone who plays it.”

What’s a “VCR”, you ask? A VCR is just a bigger 8-track player that plays movies instead of old Jim Croce albums and… Wait, you ask; what are albums? Don’t make me make you stay after class and clean chalkboard erasers. What are chalkboard erasers, you ask?

TERRIFIER (2017)
“A maniacal clown named Art terrorizes three young women on Halloween night and everyone else who stands in his way.”

A plot so overused and lame, not at all surprised it’s being used YET AGAIN. Must be made by Republicans. And a maniacal clown named Art? At least they could’ve given him some dignity and named him Slicey McChop Chop. That, or Choppy McSlicey. Both work for me.

SPLIT (2017)
“Though Kevin has evidenced 23 personalities to his trusted psychiatrist, Dr. Fletcher, there remains one still submerged who is set to materialize and dominate all the others. Compelled to abduct three teenage girls, Kevin reaches a war for survival among all of those contained within him — as well as everyone around him — as the walls between his compartments shatter.”

I say let those compartments shatter. Pull down the pants of sanity! Splash around in the bubble bath of dementia! Party on the patio of psychosis! Let your freak flag fly, Kev — I believe in you.

LET’S BE EVIL (December 13, 2016)
“Three chaperones are hired to supervise an advanced learning program for gifted children who wear Augmented Reality Glasses to assist in their education. Contained within a secure, underground facility, events quickly spiral out of control.”

Great title. But aren’t Augmented Reality Glasses just freshly emptied beer mugs? The movie’s message is clear, though: If you wanna see in augmented reality, drink beer. I believe in you, movies.

Clown horror has been around as long as there have been clowns. As of late it seems this odd horror sub-genre is making another honk-honk bid for your circus coupons with the imminent release of Clowntown (2016) and the re-boot of Stephen King’s long-winded mini-series, It (2017) and its painted protagonist, Pennywise, a seriously f’d up downtown clown. And if you haven’t seen it, check out Eli Roth’s Clown (2016). That one is double f’d up – in a good way.

Clowntown, arriving September 2016 on all formats (except eight-track), goes to the hoop with this: “This is story of a group of friends who get stranded in a seemingly abandoned town and find themselves stalked by a gang of violent psychopaths dressed as clowns. It is loosely inspired by the clowns who terrorized Bakersfield, California, in 2014.”

I heard about that Bakersfield thing and thought it was a publicity stunt for a traveling circus. Unfortunately, it was for real – the clowns were running around scaring people. Those juvenile jesters should get the death penalty, or worse – a frowning of a lifetime.

My first exposure to prime time clowns came in the form of Bozo The Clown, a Saturday morning kid’s show icon. Never bought into his business model as I couldn’t understand why a grown man would put on a day-glo fright wig, paint his face white, and have a rubber ball for a nose. Then I discovered beer and answered my own question.

I’ve seen a lot of horror clown movies and they’re all pretty much the same and can be put in the slasher category. Some of them are memorable (the Killjoy series), The rest hit and miss. Mostly miss.

But for my carnival cash there are only two clowns that rock my world. First up is the super scary Twisty, from the fourth season American Horror Story: Freak Show. He’s so f’d up, he’ll make you crap someone else’s pants.

But for pure hilariousness, I’m going with Down-O: The World’s Most Depressed Clown. The kicker: He can only get it up when a chick hits him in the face with a pie. To call that less than brilliant would be a huge injustice. (FYI: No photo provided as Down-O doesn’t like getting his picture taken. But trust me, it’s funnier than a rubber nose.)