"As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."--Alan Moore

Monday, July 2, 2012

The HoseMaster's Sneak Preview of New Wine Films

I’ve spent the past week viewing new films which have wine
as their subject. Ever since the success of that idiotic “Sideways,” a stupidly
formulaic buddy film that expects us to believe that those two guys are best
friends, that ten-year-old Byron sparkling wine still has fizz, and that Sandra
Oh can out-act her last name, filmmakers have seen wine as lucrative subject
for a film, like superheroes, vampires and fart jokes. (I’ve always wondered,
does blood-sucking cause flatulence? Remind me to ask Jay McInerney.) Several
major studios sent me DVD’s of their upcoming theatrical releases. Here are my
reviews.

MERCAPTAN AMERICA!!

Merging the Superhero genre with wine, director Francis Ford
Crapolla tells the tale of Larry Mephitis, who volunteers to undergo a top
secret assignment to sell overpriced Napa Valley Cabernets made by NBA players
(Bartles and LeBron James, Kobe Bryant Family Vintage CryBaby Red, Alley Oopus
One…) in China. Mad scientists (a memorable cameo by Randall Grahm as Rudolph
Steiner—that other fraudulent Rudy) transform Mephitis into Mercaptan America!!
Through some rather labored plot devices that involve the French Laundry
changing its name to Chinese Laundry and serving monkey brains to James Laube,
which raises his I.Q., as well as an amazing fight scene between Mercaptan America!! and
Yao Ming that is remarkable for Yao’s nutsack
being used for speed boxing, Mercaptan America
is smuggled into China.
Once there, our hero convinces the gullible Chinese that “those aren’t
mercaptans, my friends, that’s the very smell of roadside America itself!” Apparently, there
wasn’t much of a budget for the special effects (created by Industrial Light
and Magic Johnson), so you’ll have a hard time believing those expensive Napa
Cabernets are in such lightweight bottles. I also had a hard time swallowing
Eric Asimov (as one would) as Mercaptan America!!’s love interest, though
he positively glows.

TOP 100

"97!"

You knew it was only a matter of time before Aaron Sorkin
wrote a film about the wine business. In his signature Paddy Chayefsky Lite
style (all the indignation, half the wit), Sorkin’s script is a vicious and
predictably pedantic look at how Wine Spectator chooses its Top 100 Wines of
the Year. Director Alan Smithee coaxes a brilliant performance from Billy
Gardell (“Mike and Molly”) as Marvin Shanken, and the entire ensemble cast, who
portray the reviewers for Wine Spectator, does a remarkable job making you feel
like you’re right there making the Top 100 list with them. That is, you’re
certain they don’t give a crap about you. Sorkin’s dialogue crackles. There’s a
wonderful scene between James Laube (great casting of Marcel Marceau, nearly
life-like) and Tim Fish (Don Knotts) which concludes with Fish speaking the
memorable Sorkin lines, “California
wine isn’t the greatest wine in the world, that’s just what we’re paid to sell
the suckers. We’re shills, patsies, bought and paid for noses who assign
crooked numbers in crooked fashion. And I, for one, couldn’t be prouder.” Ooh,
that Sorkin is a genius.

THE STORY OF COCO VIN

From France
comes this lovely little film about a young boy who decides at an early age he
wants to become a sommelier. Recognizing
his gifts, the Académie du Sneer in Paris grants
the young CoCo a full scholarship. Graduating
Summa Cum Elvis, CoCo then begins his studies
for an M.W. In his tasting group is the alluring Chloe Vougeot, but CoCo is
unsuccessful at getting past her walls and, downcast, he begins his slow
descent into alcoholism, fortuitously a requirement for the M.W. Secretly, he
begins to worship Chloe Vougeot, even going so far as to have her name tattooed
on his meat thief. Well, up to the “l”-- he’s a sommelier after all. Chloe will
have nothing to do with him until he is a working sommelier. CoCo
finally passes his M.W. exam; in a suspenseful scene he successfully identifies
an old Sancerre by meowing. CoCo then manages to regain his sobriety by
dedicating his wine cellar to Grüner Veltliner, Prosecco and Tannat in a Can. He is
hired by a Three Michelin Star restaurant in Lyon
at the tender age of 22 and proceeds to overhaul the wine list and sell only
natural wines. He is given a medal by the Sommelier Society for “Arrogance in
the Face of Customer Service.” Chloe finally throws herself at CoCo Vin, and
after a passionate and erotic lovemaking scene where Chloe traces his tattoo
and wants to know, “Where did the Vou
geot?,” the two are seen honeymooning in South
Africa, CoCo’s trademark
lip curled. The moral of the story? Sneer, and yet safari.

Love you blog HoseMaster. Our industry needs to laugh at ourselves more. And speaking of laughing at ourselves, here is a "sipcom" we are working on. It's a comedy web series about a financially struggling winery and its dysfunctional staff.

Dude, it could have been totally inadvertent, but it seemed that you gave Paddy C. his props whilst chucking spitballs at Aaron Sorkin. If so, this qualifies you as an intellectual...the blogosphere's first ever!

Inadvertent? I don't do anything inadvertently. Just once in my life I'd like to write something as smart as "Network" or "Hospital." Sorkin's stuff always sounds great the first time, but after that, it's that needle stuck on your LP that keeps playing the same thing over and over and over and over and over...

I could not agree more about the Padmeister AND Sorkin. However, as great as he was, one can only wonder how much more inspired and brilliant Chayefsky's work might have been had he, too, done magic mushrooms, crack and a few hot starlets! (Gee, I hope that Sorkin is not a regular around here. I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings!) Actually, stateside for three more weeks, then in the Piemonte for 6 months. Or for good.

Those three things really work for me as well! And alcohol abuse helps too.

Whenever I'd watch "West Wing" I'd go crazy. Every actor on that show spoke in exactly the same cadence and style. Most of the time, they could have switched lines with each other and it wouldn't have made a difference. Drove me nuts. Sorkin only hears one voice in his head, and it's the one he loves, his own.

Yeah, I'm stateside for the next twenty years, then in Hell after that. For good. Or for evil, more exactly.

"I think that the critics and the audience who are reacting as hostilely to the show as they are, part of the reason is because they think that I'm showing off an intellect and an erudition that I don't have," says Sorkin. "I'm not pretending to have it. I know that I don't have it. I phonetically create the sound of smart people talking to each other. I'm not one of them. The characters I create would have no use for me."

Meaningless Awards

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

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--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

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--Robert Parker

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--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

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"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

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--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

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"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."