today: soaring or sinking or soaring or…

Everything so
up in the air
if I could see
over there
would peace emerge
maybe yieldedness
is the hard road
less traveled
more needed
This time of year lends itself to chaos and busyness for most in the US of A. We overeat, over shop, over consume, overdo. I get it.

The last few years my rhythm has included shoes for kiddos in Mexico, and every year about this time my sleep and sanity get held at bay for a few weeks by chaos and busyness. Tis the season. I get it. This year, adding in a growing photography business has added to the chaos and busyness… enter complexity. I feel like I am not balancing well. I feel inflexible. And tired.

Here is what my office looks like:

It makes me want to jump ship and go overseas and hide out in some little town with cheap beer and great food. Unfamiliar streets filled with foreigners speaking words I don’t comprehend hum the most pleasant of melodies, easy listening at it’s best. The appeal of escape seduces for sure.

Today I shopped for shoes for some of the Vamos Tamaulipas kids and struggled to feel compassion for them. I was just stuffing shoeboxes with stuff. I did not connect with God’s heart for them. I had a job and I needed to get it done.

I hate feeling like I am checking blocks. I want to see people, life, truth, beauty, but sometimes reality feels stark and suffocating. The call, the invitation, the hope of being someone who tries to follow Jesus is that there is more. There is always more. Today more seemed far off and like a struggle. Tomorrow will be better.

When I have days like today I wish I could be as witty as Anne Lamott in my processing. I am myself, though, and this is all I’ve got.