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Egg On My Face

Besides being an amazing barbecue guy (a self-imposed honor), I can make a pretty mean breakfast. No one in my family seems to think that I can cook, but when it comes to hunger survival, I’m a really fast learner. I mean, how hard can making breakfast be? Everything I need to know, I learned from TV.

Not cooking shows, mind you, but from sitcoms and such. For instance, I learned to make really good bacon by watching Gomer Pyle, USMC. I think Gomer had to make breakfast for the general, and he used some cooking skills he probably learned from Aunt Bea in Mayberry from the Andy Griffith Show.

The secret to making bacon, according to Gomer, was to sprinkle a little brown sugar on it midway through frying. That little tidbit led me to sprinkle a bit of brown sugar and ground clove when frying SPAM. Believe it or not, it ends up tasting like baked ham.

From The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, I learned how to make a bachelor “everything” omelet.

You simply take any leftovers or ingredients you have from your refrigerator and fold them into an egg omelet. Doing that can make you look like a seasoned cook.

Unless your name is Ron Nagasawa, that is. The other morning I decided to concoct my famous omelet. I ransacked our fridge, and anything that looked savory went into it.

I insisted that my wife and daughter partake in the glorious meal. They did reluctantly, and ended up rejecting my cooking by spitting it out. Insulted, I started shoveling spoonfuls into my mouth. It was terrible, but I couldn’t give in, so I finished eating the entire omelet myself, remarking on how great it tasted.

That’s when my mom wandered into the kitchen and, when looking into the refrigerator, said, “I want to feed Buddy. What happened to his leftover dog food that I had in the cereal bowl covered with Saran Wrap?”