Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.

Aye, there’s the rub. Many of us “helper” types are as much or more concerned with being seen as good helpers as we are with serving the soul-deep needs of the person who needs help. Witnessing and companioning take time and patience, which we often lack — especially when we’re in the presence of suffering so painful we can barely stand to be there, as if we were in danger of catching a contagious disease. We want to apply our “fix,” then cut and run, figuring we’ve done the best we can to “save” the other person.

During my depression, there was one friend who truly helped. With my permission, Bill came to my house every day around 4:00 PM, sat me down in an easy chair, and massaged my feet. He rarely said a word. But somehow he found the one place in my body where I could feel a sense of connection with another person, relieving my awful sense of isolation while bearing silent witness to my condition.

By offering me this quiet companionship for a couple of months, day in and day out, Bill helped save my life. Unafraid to accompany me in my suffering, he made me less afraid of myself. He was present — simply and fully present — in the same way one needs to be at the bedside of a dying person.

It’s at such a bedside where we finally learn that we have no “fix” or “save” to offer those who suffer deeply. And yet, we have something better: our gift of self in the form of personal presence and attention, the kind that invites the other’s soul to show up. As Mary Oliver has written:

“This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.”

I leave you with two pieces of advice — a flagrant self-contradiction for which my only defense is Emerson’s dictum that “consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” (1) Don’t give advice, unless someone insists. Instead, be fully present, listen deeply, and ask the kind of questions that give the other a chance to express more of his or her own truth, whatever it may be. (2) If you find yourself receiving unwanted advice from someone close to you, smile and offer a “Thank you, I’m good.”

has gone well over and under the microscope–literally–and the examination table.

In her article,

MASTER OF LOVE,

author, Emily Smith reveals that of all the couples that get married,

only THREE in TEN remain in healthy, happy marriages.

W O W . . .

that’ll sour the Chocolate Heart well before Valentine’s Day.

Has it come to T H I S:

A team of Researchers, Scientists actually hooked up couples to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory. As they spoke, these electrodes measured blood flow, heart rates, and how much sweat they actually produced…then the Researchers sent these folks home and followed up on them SIX YEARS LATER;

Forget about the THREE out of TEN formula. . .

Do you know what the two most powerful characteristics they found to long-lasting relationships?

K I N D N E S S

G E N E R O S I T Y

In most marriages,

T H E Y

concluded, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together;

BUT AMONG COUPLES WHO NOT ONLY ENDURE, BUT LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER FOR YEARS AND YEARS, THE SPIRIT OF KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY GUIDES THEM FORWARD!

What’s T H A T tell you?

Being in a committed relationship now

(FOR A D O-O V E R)

for nearly 34 years,

with Mt Everest highs and the darkest of Abyss lows

over roads that would have begged for ruts and dust,

they were so desolate,

I,
like many others,

can prove to you what was implied but not measured

with this or any study:

K I N D N E S S A N D GENEROSITY

DO NOT WORK
–E V E R–

o n c e . . .

Kindness and Generosity have to be consistently

D O N E / E X P E R I E N C E D

I’m one of the few people known to all generations of all faiths

who actually doesn’t like

the Story of the Good Samaritan. . .

A guy gets thrashed and everyone avoids him from the Commoner to the most highly religious except, well, except for the lowest of the low scum of the earth, who took time to at least stop and help the man, got him patched up and then took him to a hostel where he could rehab; actually paid in advance and told the innkeeper, if it wasn’t enough, he’d settle up with him the next time he came back into town. . .

What’s not to like?

Well, here’s something that the Social Scientists don’t have to Electrode you up for:

ANYONE CAN DO THAT–

Be a Good Samaritan–

O N C E . . .

but what about a thousand and O N C E times

or a Billion,

a Ga-Zillion and O N C E times?

Who would have thought that

C O N S I S T E N T L Y

being Kind and Generous

would be the key components for a long-lasting-happily-ever-after relationship?

It, appropriately asks us to
P A U S E
and reflect on all of the
GOOD and BAD
from the past
present
future

What’s the

W O R S T

thing that’s ever happened to you that ended up being the absolute

B E S T

thing that has ever happened to you?

We should all have required knee replacements for all of the

KNEE JERK REACTIONS

we participate in

with every single event that takes place in our lives on a day-to-day basis!

I’ve never met anyone,

especially myself

who hasn’t thought that when it’s

O V E R

GOOD

or

BAD,

IT IS OVER

But there is no real

O V E R

No real beginnings

No real endings

just this

C O N T I N U I N G

that’s seen it all before.

Good?

Bad?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .

m a y b e . . .

and that only gets answered by

2 0 1 9

A Brand New Year

and not how it defines you. . .

but how you will

D E F I N E I TA D V I C E
?It has been years since
I’ve had resolutions
or even hard set goals. . .

Psssssssssssssssssssssst of the y e a r s :
NO RESOLUTIONS
NO GOALS
NO SET TASKS
NO CHECK LISTS. . .

Just spend a few minutes
O F T E N
going over your purposes
meanings
reasons
destiny’s
FOR BEING HEREN O W
and be able to explain it
c l e a r l y
in 25 words
or
l e s s. . .
And in the mean time
as the year
l i t e r a l l y
tick-tock’s away

After taking such a long time to look at it and get advice on what steps to take, what was ahead and how it was to be best traveled; after getting detailed maps and marking off the best, most direct routes, firing up the most sophisticated of GPS Systems, he finally started off with one s i n g l e s t e p

M O M E N T O U S

One Solitary Step

was all it really took for the journey. . .and it was quite an excursion!

He walked and ran and then walked and ran some more.

One step sometimes was more similar than the one before,

but he walked on;

Sometimes, he ran faster;

Sometimes, he crawled slower;

Sometimes, he just stood still, not moving even an inch for days. . .

P A R A L Y Z E D

The road never much accommodated him. It never took one step for him or moved him forward. At times it would present him challenges. Because of it’s flaws he would slip, fall, get scrapped and cut, bloodied and bruised. Exhausted most of the time from his seemingly never ending wanderings, the road would never assist him, but it did just what a road was suppose to do:

P R O V I D E P A S S A G E

U N T I L . . .

He came to that ominous FORK in the Road. . .

It wasn’t the first one he had ever seen or even had been confronted, but this was a monumental fork;

at least he made it be so. . .

Maybe it was out of frustration. Maybe it was inspiration or just plain desperation or exasperation, but he didn’t choose left or right this time. He went straight
ahead. . .tore up his maps, unheeded his expensive advice, became deaf to the pleading-ever-rerouting-of the GPS; discarded his vast experience and he trudged on. . .

His every step was a new road planted and his heart palpitated with excitement, adventure and purpose until he came to the

A P P A R E N T E N D

Before him was a huge cater. It was wider than he could see across, deeper than he could his eyes could focus and longer than the horizon could swallow. . .

It was then, unfortunately, he discovered that with each step he had taken, not only had he advanced at least one more step, but he had also erased forever the step before.

R E T U R N

and

G O I N G B A C K

were not even concepts, let alone, possibilities.

He waited. . .w a i t e d. . .
at the end of his next step with all of its
e n l i g h t e n e d d a r k e n e d p r o m i s e. . .

It wasn’t in a step taken or dared,
but he had the sense as he damned his foolish actionsof not staying on the path,

right atT H A T
precise moment,

A L L R O A D S

led to the place that he was standing;
that in fact,
it would have never had mattered
which road he would have ever taken
whenever because they would have all led him
to this exact same place. . .

ALL OF THEM !

He had discovered at that flash,
t h e
M y s t e r y o f L i f e :

There’s no turning
or going back
because everything leads to where he was standing!

and an even grander enigma:

Coming to the End of the Horizon is never a Conclusion so much as a Commencement!

Head head high,
air rushing through his nostrils,
blood pulsating through his veins liked a busted dam,

WEDENSDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2018
with the year now ticking down
and on notice. . .

Are You H A P P Y ?

Are you HAPPY-LESS?

Everyone keeps telling us

‘Tis the Season. . .

I s H A P P I N E S S

ever out of Season. . .

Isn’t HAPPINESS

A Season that no knows beginning

sees no end. . . ?

As we are quickly coming to the end of

2 0 1 7

it’s hard for us not to take a-not-so-quick-peek

in the rear view mirror and

r e f l e c t i v e

. . .lots has happened

good and bad. . .

and as usual when the bad has taken place

some good has come from it:

The past few months, with a series of disasters seemingly one on top of another, have felt apocalyptic to many, but the bright side to these dark times has been the outpouring of donations and acts of generosity that followed.

From Hurricanes ripping through the Caribbean and up the East Coast to wildfires burning in California, cities and charities have been flooded with donations and volunteers. The outpouring of support is critical for helping affected communities to recover. But acts of generosity benefit the do-gooder, too.

“Research suggests that these community social connections are as important for resilience to disaster is as physical material like disaster kits or medical supplies,” explained Ichiro Kawachi, a professor of social epidemiology at Harvard’s School of Public Health. “Voluntarism is good for the health of people who receive social support, but also good for the health of people who offer their help.”

The day after Cristina Topham evacuated her home as a result of the fires in Sonoma, Calif., she and her boyfriend immediately looked for ways to donate and help.

“I just felt like I had to do something. I love my town and my community, and the reach of the destruction was astonishing from the very beginning,” she said.

Why is the first instinct for many to volunteer and donate after a natural disaster? One reason is that as humans we’ve evolved to survive in groups, not alone. Rallying together makes us feel less alone in the experience, explained the sociologist Christine Carter, a fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.

“When our survival is threatened, we are going to reach out and strengthen our connections with people around us. We show generosity. We show compassion. We show gratitude. These are all emotions that function to connect us with each other,” Dr. Carter said.

Scientific evidence supports the idea that acts of generosity can be beneficial when we volunteer and give back regularly — and not just after a natural disaster. Volunteering is linked to health benefits like lower blood pressure and decreased mortality rates.

Dr. Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist and founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, has been studying the effects of positive emotions, such as compassion and kindness, on the brain since the 1990s. He said the brain behaves differently during an act of generosity than it does during a hedonistic activity.

“When we do things for ourselves, those experiences of positive emotions are more fleeting. They are dependent on external circumstances,” he said. “When we engage in acts of generosity, those experiences of positive emotion may be more enduring and outlast the specific episode in which we are engaged.”

Helping others also gives us a sense of purpose. Dr. Linda Fried co-founded Experience Corps, a program that engages retirees as literacy tutors, after she discovered a strong association between a sense of purpose and well-being throughout life. Older adults who volunteered to help children with reading and writing tended to experience less memory loss and maintain greater physical mobility, one study suggested.

Giving back is a fundamental teaching of many religions. Jesus had the Golden Rule. Buddha said in order to brighten one’s own path, one must light the path of others.

Dr. Deepak Chopra tells us: “The moment you identify yourself as separate from other beings, or other people, or separate from life in general then you will suffer. And it all begins with initial anxiety because when you’re disconnected from people and life, you feel fear, and that creates the beginning of suffering.”

Would Western doctors ever prescribe acts of generosity? Dr. John Rowe, a professor of health policy and aging at the Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health, doesn’t rule it out.

“We have sufficient scientific information to justify a very significant public health initiative,” he said. “If there were a retiree in my office I would ask them, ‘Do you smoke? Do you exercise? What is your diet like?’ I should also be asking them if they volunteer.”

Now. . .

There’s your Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of the DAY

This Season

like so many other Seasons

in our lives

are not always filled with Happiness. . .

Being a Caring Catalyst understands

that YOUR SUFFERING

IS MY SUFFERING

and even at our most

B R O K E N N E S S

we still have within us

A F L A V O R

that’s intoxicating

So how about

as the year comes quickly to an end

and even quicker to begin again a New Year

We literally

for an ON-PURPOSE MOMENT

and re-center our thoughts on the

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs;for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I wait every year for theJohn Lewis & Partners Christmas Advertisement. . .

This year John didn’t make my waitworthless. . . What a powerful story about the power of a gift. . . and how THAT GIFTInspiredChangedInfluencedthe course of a little boy’s life. . .That the little boy happened to be Sir Elton Johnis even more inspiring and awesome, huh?The film magically begins in present day and works backwardschronologically through Elton’s liferight until the moment onCHRISTMAS MORNINGwhen he received the special giftthat changed his life. . .

You know the gift is

THE GIFT

When it’s not so muchGivenReceivedBenefittedBut SHAREDas it O n c eWas shared FIRST

It is THE Season of Lights. . .Pssssssssssssssssssssssst:L I G H T is always in Season.I love stories, especially ones that start out:THE STORY IS TOLD. . .that there were six people trapped by pure Chance in the darkest of darks and the coldest of colds– but not without a G R E A T S O L U T I O NEach person, all six of them, had a stick of wood. . .SO THE STORY IS TOLD. . .Their dying fire needed just one thing as they huddled around it:L O G S !One woman who had a Stick wasn’t about to give her’s up. As she shivered and huddled around that dying fire, that dimming light, she was still able to see the faces huddled/shivering being illuminated and because one of those faces was Black, there’s no way she was going to give up her stick to warmT H A Tface up. . .Uhhhhhhhh, N O!T H E S T O R Y I S T O L D. . . There was another sitting around that dying fire and saw the face of one who’s mouth talked about a God he didn’t quite believe, there’s no way he was going to give up his stick to warm THAT face who’s mouth talked of a differentbelief. . .Uhhhhhh, NO!The STORY IS TOLD. . .The third one sat there around that dying fire in tattered clothes pulled the well worn coat closer and more secure around him as he muttered under his breath, “There ain’t no way I’m giving my Stick to this fire to warm these Highfalutin rich folks,” . . .Uhhhhhh, NO!THE STORY IS TOLD. . . There was a rich man who just sat and thought of the wealth he had in store, and how to keep what he had earned from all of these lazy, shiftless poor. . .he would not be giving up the Stick he earned. . .Uhhhhh, NO! T H E STORY IS TOLD. . .The Black man’s face was frowned all up in revenge as he held on to his stick even while the fire was flickering its very last flame; no way he was giving up that stick to people who had oppressed and kept he and his ancestors down. It was spite that made him hold that stick almost as a weapon; serves these white folks right. . .Uhhhhhh, NO!THE STORY IS TOLD. . .The last man in this group, shivering harder now in the barely glowing embers, firmly believed you giveONLY IF FIRST GIVEN TO, so his cold hands held his even colder stick and would stay that way since no one else was going to offer up their sticks. . .Uhhhhhh, NO!THE STORY IS TOLD. . .S I X L O G S . . . Six Logs held by six differentUN-SHARINGpeople who died. . .w h oWOULD RATHER DIEthan to S H A R E. . .

The Hmmmmmmmmm of the Season is that they died not from the Cold and the Darkbut something the much, much worse:The Cold and The Dark I N S I D EIt is the Season of Lights. . .Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:L I G H T is always in SeasonA single little ember can Light a miracle. . .

The data originated from Emory Collaborative for Contemplative Studies, whose researchers discovered that individuals who practice compassionate acts and empathy may benefit by reductions in inflammatory and biological responses from stress which might indeed, weaken one’s immune system:

‘WHEN EVENTS IN LIFE LEAVE US STRESSED, CORTISOL AND INTERLEUKIN-6 USUALLY INCREASE, ESPECIALLY IF THE SITUATIONS ARE LONG-LASTING AND WE CANNOT SHAKE OFF THE STRESS. BUT ENTERING INTO COMPASSIONATE ACTS OF KINDNESS AND EMPATHY BUFFERS THE EFFECTS OF STRESSFUL LIFE SITUATIONS, NOT ONLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY BY MAKING US FEEL BETTER, BUT ALSO PHYSICALLY BY REDUCING THE ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL AGENTS OF POTENTIAL ILLNESS IN OUR BODIES, THEREBY PROTECTING US FROM’

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My name is Chuck Behrens, serving others to help others serve. I value your time and take your readership seriously. Follow along and together lets become Expert Members of Triple A: Accessible. Accountable. Available.