Empty and Alone vs. With and complete…?

November 26, 2011

So how do I get past this ever-present cycle of a day here or a day there when I feel completely lost and completely empty? I am, for the most part, pretty content to be who I am and for the most part, I am happy. That’s said, I want to have someone in my life that I look forward to seeing and that person sees me the same way. Why is that so elusive for me? I seem to know folks who are continually in relationships and yet I am stuck in neutral. Here I sit looking at another holiday season with no one to have near my side sharing in the joys of the season. The joys of my children are amazing and I watch them alone. I have no one to walk hand in hand with downtown looking in shop windows and no one to curl up with on the couch under a blanket watching a movie and not seeing it past the first 15 minutes because we got lost in the moment… I want to be clear, I am not desperate here but the emptiness of this passion is intense and demands expression. I go to various e-dating sites and while they seem to promise the world, they deliver anxiety and false hope more often than not. I use mostly the free ones and they certainly deliver what I paid for most of the time. When I have subscribed to the pay versions, the hope is higher and I feel the let down is stronger if possible. Why do folks list themselves as emotionally available when they clearly are not? I am available. I am not perfect and don’t claim to be in any sense. I am full of bad habits and bad choices in my past but I have so much to offer someone who wants to be the center of my world. I want the sun rising and falling on my special lady friend and I want to be the same for them. Is that wrong? No, it isn’t and yet here I am alone, again….still.

I tried this relationship dance again a year ago and thought that I had found a happy ever after only to have it yanked out from under my feet and snatched from my eyes and heart in an instant. We fit so well together after many years of nothing and I was so amazed to be in love again. I was thrilled to feel anything even and while I will cling to that reality, it is the same thing that I fear and what makes me all the more lost and empty again today. I had the brass ring in my hand once more after years of nothing and when I went to turn it in for my forever prize, it was denied. I was told all of a sudden that I wasn’t it and I was not the person that she wanted to see every day after all and oh yeah, she wasn’t really ready for a relationship after all so, the classic, “it’s me and not you” thing on top of all the pain as well was thrown my way. To see her from time to time makes things somewhat palatable in the physical sense so I dare not complain but it only magnifies the emotional loss more. I wanted to have both the physical and the emotional and everything in between but she didn’t and I am the one left alone, again.

What I want is to walk hand in hand, sometimes….often times literally, but emotionally as well. Even when apart, I want to be wanted and I want to be desired. I want to put someone first in all of my choices. I want to love someone as much as I love my God. And I want that in return. I want to share this love openly with anyone who knows me. Not as a sign of ownership but as a clear demonstration of who I am in life. Everyone who knows me now understands how much I love my children. That joy that comes through when I speak of them and their world that just clearly says, I love them, is what I want in an adult relationship with a lady. I want anyone who knows me to simply know I love her unconditionally. And I want that in return. For the rest of all of my days. No more break ups for me. I want a sense of forever that only God can take away through death.

I am half tempted to post this to my one e-dating site and see what happens. Maybe, just maybe there is someone out there who will read it from beginning to end and then take a chance and share something of themselves electronically. A picture, an email, a phone call….who knows… Something that leads to holding hands and making something wonderful happen.

I am not a drop dead good looking man but I smile often and laugh daily. I need to lose weight so I am determined to be less of a man by a pound or two every week for then next year or so. Maybe more depending on where that takes me. I try to move around as best as I can but due to too many aches and pains and being mostly blind, I move cautiously at best these days. But I move. I walk everywhere I need to go and if it is farther away then I use a bus, a cab, or someone who is willing to give me a ride. I have had to deal with the humble nature of not driving for some 8 years now so whoever you are, you will need to understand that I will be the cheerful navigator in all of our travels. And I do ask for directions when needed. I am retired due to all of these aches and pains but I am not a stay at home guy if I can avoid it. See above on the cabs and bus rides for explanation. I talk too much and that is something that I am working on… sort of. I write constantly. In case you hadn’t already noticed. My guess is that no one will get this far into a profile description so I am just going to be as honest as possible and to anyone who sees this and mentions it in a response, bonus credit for paying attention to details. I enjoy sex and want to have an active sex life. I am not trying to get laid. Been there and done that and it only leads to that empty and lost feeling that I am trying to avoid in the first place. But an active sex life to me is an extension of that being wanted and wanting. I want to begin thinking about sex with my lady early in the morning. Not like…”Oh, lets do it tonight” but more like….I am so looking forward to being home this evening. And then giving a gentle caress and or hug as we get ready for the day… a gentle back or neck rub while showering maybe. A kiss on the neck as we part for the day. Then in the evening, as we eat dinner prepared together, we share the day with each other and with our kids if they are present. We share the joys and the concerns of all. We might even say a prayer together be it grace or something more specific. They we clean the kitchen together, bumping elbows, sometimes accidently and sometimes on purpose. We hug, we dance to a song on the radio in the living room, we go for a walk with the kids. We do a chore together even. And then when the kids are in bed at a decent hour, we can sit together in the hot tub maybe. Or curl up on the couch for a movie like I mentioned earlier. If we watch the whole movie, great. If we get past the credits and decide to make way to the bedroom, that’s ok too. I am not in a rush for these things but I am eager to be clear. I want them. Often. Not everyday but I want to intimacy daily. And most importantly when it comes to matters of a sexual nature, I want to be able to openly talk about this. I will giggle at times as I am still a nerd and not worldly perhaps so I will be nervous. But I want to be able to communicate what I want and what I don’t want and what I am willing to try. With such openness, anything is possible when two people are committed to being honest.

Ok, and now for the conversation on my faith. I am a very God centered person. My faith is very important to me and I want to share that with anyone I meet. I want to be clear I am not preachy and I do not judge. I do preach for real sometimes though so be advised. I am a lay minister and learning more and more about what I think God wants and expects of me. The more I learn, the more I realize I do not know. I will be a life long learner of all things theological. Anyone that I will be with will need to be able to share in that actively. I am not going to tell anyone that I have the answers. I don’t. What I do have are more questions and I am searching for more answers. I volunteer a great deal of my time trying to make a difference is the world. My thought is that while I may preach a Sunday sermon every once in a while, I want my life to preach a sermon of love and hope every day. I want to be a blessing to someone at least once a day. Any lady that I would be with will need to be open to such thoughts and ideas but does not need to be a saint. I sure as hell am not a saint. Pun intended. I am just a man trying my best to be good and do good and teach good to my kids and to anyone one I meet. It’s the best I have and that is good enough for me and I like to think it is good enough for God too. He knows what is in my heart so I don’t need to preach that part at all. I just try. Enough said there.

All of this rambling has left me feeling a little better as I picture in my mind that special lady who is out there. Someone with a smile and a heart as big as the Grand Canyon. Be you younger or older than me is not that important. What is important is that you consider yourself alive and deserving of something special. Be able to give of yourself to be a part of something bigger is what I want. I want you to be wanting that too of me. Together, we can do anything….miracles really do happen if we allow them to happen. I know they happen everyday. Are you the answer to my prayer? We won’t know unless you take a chance for yourself and me by responding.