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SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby.

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

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THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

WASHINGTON—Forcing the grisly and rarely acknowledged practices into the public eye, a group of activists posted several disturbing videos online this week that expose how most meat products are eaten, sources confirmed.

Secretly filmed on cell phones by individuals who reportedly witnessed the carnage firsthand, the exceedingly graphic footage depicts the gruesome ways in which beef, pork, and poultry are consumed all across the United States, detailing the gory process by which millions of these products are crammed into people’s jaws, rapidly torn to pieces, and ground into a pulpy, uniform slurry in a matter of seconds.

“The content of these videos is truly appalling,” said advocate Kelly Midthun, who personally recorded unnerving instances of chicken tenders, steak tips, and other meat items being clamped between two rows of teeth and messily shredded one after the other with revolting rapidity. “Just look at the horrifying images captured on film: Sausage links are severed in half; a medium rare ribeye is quickly reduced to a red, bloody puddle of juices; buffalo wings are rent apart, with their remnant bones and sinews collected in a grotesque pile. It’s enough to make you sick.”

ABOVE: Watch the disturbing video [warning: graphic content]

“The sounds alone are stomach-turning,” Midthun continued. “All that gnashing, tearing, and labored breathing will haunt my thoughts for a long time.”

According to viewers, the grainy, furtively obtained videos present a stark picture of the horrors of mass meat consumption in the U.S., with many voicing their revulsion at images of spare ribs having their muscle tissue noisily yanked from the bone, cold cuts being ingested whole, and one particularly chilling episode in which a pulled pork sandwich is jarringly pulverized by slashing incisors as a combination of grease, saliva, and tangy St. Louis–style barbecue sauce oozes out and collects in sizable pools on a chin and shirtfront.

The videos, which were filmed in unsanitary, poorly lit locations such as living rooms, fast food restaurant dining areas, and parked cars, have reportedly repulsed viewers with horrific sequences in which animal skin, fat, and gristle is sent flying as meat is sliced with razor-sharp blades or even pried apart by bare hands. Given the extremely graphic nature of the footage, many viewers said the videos left them feeling deeply troubled and physically nauseated.

“That video is so awful—I haven’t been able to make it through the whole thing,” said Miami resident Kara Gellar, 27, who emphasized that she can’t imagine eating meat again after watching a mound of pastrami get caught in an overstuffed mouth and subsequently flushed out with a flood of Sprite Zero. “Once it got to the hot dog part, I just had to turn it off. The people who allow this…this horror to happen ought to be deeply ashamed of themselves.”

“Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a bacon double cheeseburger the same way again,” she added.

While the video has raised controversy for its explicit content, many have also found themselves concerned for the psychological well-being of food service employees seen in these shocking videos who facilitate the consumption of meat products, all of whom are reportedly forced to witness such traumatic scenes on a daily basis. Specifically, many advocates have expressed worry that such steak house, delicatessen, and buffet laborers will become increasingly desensitized to the constant mutilation of animal products occurring right before their eyes.

However, despite the visceral impact of the grisly videos, a number of observers claimed they weren’t particularly taken aback by the images, with most claiming that such ingestion practices, though they may outwardly appear barbaric or morbid, were ultimately unavoidable.

“I don’t understand why everyone’s getting so worked up about this video; how did these people think this stuff was eaten?” Seattle resident Peter Callahan told reporters, calling the meat consumption process a brutal but necessary step in the food chain. “Honestly, it doesn’t really bother me. Sure, it’s not pretty, but we as a species have been eating meat that way for thousands of years.”

“And I’m not going to stop eating footlong meatball subs just because someone doesn’t like the way it looks,” he added.