2.1-2: Aasif Mandvi

“It was tough growing up in a Muslim home because I didn’t have a lot of the things that a lot of my Western friends had, like the Easter Bunny and bacon bits. And I never got to see my mother’s face. You know, things like that. ” — Aasif Mandvi on Aasif Mandvi’s Deportation Jamboree

2.1-2: Vicki Barbolak

“It seems to me kids today are a little bit entitled. Am I right? So my daughter turned 16, and she says, ‘Mom, I wanna go to Coachella, and I want you to get me a hotel room.’ I’m like, ‘You’re 16! Listen to yourself! A hotel room? If you can’t find a guy who can afford a van by now…’ ” — Vicki Barbolak on America’s Got Talent

2.2: Mike E. Winfield

“I’m afraid to cheat. It’s too much stuff you have to worry about, you know? Like pregnancies, diseases, the other chick. That’s who you got to worry about the most: the other chick. She might go back and confess, mess up everything you have. That’s why I decided if I was to ever cheat, I’d have to give this other woman the best sex ever. Ever! ’Cause if she comes back and tries to confess that, my wife ain’t going to believe it.” — Mike E. Winfield on Clyde Comedy

2.7-9: Bryan Callen

“I don’t masturbate standing up. I’m just saying, I don’t. That’s the only time that good posture and a smile is creepy, right? If I catch you masturbating, please be hunched over a computer. Have some shame, know what I mean? Hide it from the dog, anything. If I catch you and you’re just smiling, staring at a wall, I can’t be friends with you, man.” — Bryan Callen at the DC Improv

2.15-17: Ari Shaffir

“One time when I was little, I was 7, 8 years old, I found a condom, unused. And … I didn’t know what to do with it. I was still ten years away from using condoms. And, like, 15 years away from no longer using condoms. Condoms suck. … You girls have no idea how shitty they are. Female privilege. Never worn a condom. That’s female privilege. Nobody ever talks about that. Here’s what condoms feel like, so you know. A condom feels like you’re getting a massage while wearing a winter coat.” – Ari Shaffir on Ari Shaffir: Double Negative

2.21: Jordan Rock

“I’m trying to get better friends. I’m trying to get white friends. I really am. I’ve been following you guys all year. I’ve been shadowing you. … I found out something. You guys have really good weed. Like, oh my god, the presentation! It comes it jars; it’s got names on it like Blue Dream. Black people, we don’t care at all. I bought weed from a dude in Brooklyn two days ago. He sold me weed in a napkin he just wiped his mouth with.” — Jordan Rock at the Gotham Comedy Club

2.22-23: Andrew Schulz

“Anyway, I’m learning about Egypt. Bunch of f**king liars in Egypt. I just want to point that out. Liars. All of ’em, f**king liars. I’m supposed to believe 4,000 years ago, you guys built the pyramids, and then for the next 4,000 years, you built jack sh*t? Not happening. Not happening. You built the greatest thing ever by humans 4,000 years ago, and then for the next 4,000 years, the best thing you could create is cotton sheets? F**k you, Egypt. I’m not a stupid person. I’m not going to believe some bulls**t lie like that.” — Andrew Schulz on 4 Clubs: 4 Sets: 1 Night

2.23: Nerd Comedy with Tim Lee

“On the radio, the oil companies are giving out gas-saving advice that they know you’re not going to use. Chevron has a commercial: ‘Did you know if you drive 55 instead of 65 on the freeway, you could get an extra 30 to 60 miles to the tank?’ Which is true, because you would actually get pushed forward by the honking noise and the occasional bullet coming from the traffic behind you.” — Tim Lee on Deep Green Comedy

2.28-3.2: Big Jay Oakerson

“My daughter is going to be pretty loose-lipped around me. She’s going to probably tell me things I don’t want to hear. Like sexual stuff, that I don’t want to know, when she gets older. But if you add lesbian to any of those stories, I don’t give a s**t at all. I mean that 100 percent. It would change everything. It would make a horrible story a great story. If my daughter came home at 19 and was like, ‘Dad, I had a five-some last night,’ that would make my heart thump. I’d be like, ‘Oh my god, I tried to be a good father.’ And then she’d be like, ‘With four hot chicks.’ I’d be like, ‘Nice.’ I wouldn’t be upset or sad anymore. I’d smell her fingers and high-five her like a son.” — Big Jay Oakerson at Comedy Works