Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Almost seven full months after the start of the regular season, we are down to eight. Eight teams with a shot at the greatest trophy in all of sports. Eight teams, each well and truly worthy of being celebrated.

But of course, that's not how things work around here. Because there are also eight teams that have just been sent home, not to mention 14 more that didn't even make the playoffs. That makes 22 teams that didn't manage to win so much as one single round.

In other words, 22 losers.

What happened? What went wrong? I decided to find out. So I used my connections to reach out to each team, and asked them to provide an official excuse for their failure. Here's what they told me:

Phoenix Coyotes - Wayne Gretzky's entire coaching style involves playing a video of himself from 1983, pointing at screen, and yelling "do that!"

Columbus Blue Jackets - Are a young team that is still learning how to win in the playoffs. For example, this year we learned that it's a really bad idea to play the Detroit Red Wings.

Nashville Predators - Were distracted by concerns that team could be bought by somebody deemed unacceptable by Gary Bettman, such as a person with actual money and no criminal record.

Buffalo Sabres - Not sure where it came from, but this new Dominic Moore guy has an overpowering case of the loser cooties.

Los Angeles Kings - Were confused by NHL's increasingly strict interpretation of rulebook. For example, did you know that in really important games referees can now call a penalty when you hit somebody in the face with your stick?

Dallas Stars - Must have been some sort of conspiracy between Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

San Jose Sharks - Instead of rousing pre-game speech or quiet moment of reflection on task at hand, franchise player Joe Thornton uses final moments before every playoff game to run around locker room shrieking "I have the nervous poos!"

New York Rangers - After game four, realized that choking horrifically would be the only way to get media to stop talking about Sean Avery for three minutes.

Now that's just not fair, DGB. Everyone knows, that in the Habs dressing room, the only way to separate the men from the mobsters is with a restraining order. Or is the men from the boys? I get so confused.

Pettycamp: the rodent thing has to do with the sacred tradition (started about fifteen years ago, lasted about two years)of a storied franchise (came into the league about 15 years ago, probably going to last about two more years). A player saw a rat in the dressing room and shot it with his stick. Word got out to Panthers nation and they started pelting the ice with plastic rats whenever they scored or something. You don't see it anymore because they only hand out the rats to fans who've paid more than 33 cents for their ticket.

So true with the Habs - Same could be said why the Habs fans are staying away from the internet these playoffs.. Tough to use a computer when your hands are broken from patting yourself on the back all season for being such great fans.