"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life and someone is missing. It's a happy life -- "

(Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Today is a more bitter day.

I woke up feeling ok, had a decent night of sleep, but I just feel more angry and bitter.

I thought of a couple of people I know, and I was suddenly angry. They got pregnant by surprise and didn't want more children. Now, they are fabulous mothers, and once they adjusted to the surprise, they were extremely excited and they love their children. But all I can think about is how unfair it is. They weren't ready, they didn't have to go through months of trying to conceive and disappointment and they didn't have to go through losing a child they really wanted and planned for and welcomed. And I certainly wouldn't want them to go through that. But I sit here and think - why them? Why do they get to keep and have their babies, while my wanted baby is gone?

And I'm angry. I'm angry at the unfairness of it and of life. I'm angry at the cruel joke and pain I've been through. I'm angry at the fear we both feel and our hesitancy at trying again.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that I will never look at a pregnancy test without fear of what happens after that. I'm sad that my husband is hurting and I can't fix it. I'm sad that I will never have a pregnancy in which I can simply be relaxed and happy. I'm sad that the next time this happens, I will be petrified until I can go in and see a beating heart. And even then, I know I will be petrified until I see it again and I can hear it for myself.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified that we will try again and it will happen right away. I'm terrified that we will try again and it won't ever happen. My sister, when I told her I was pregnant said, "Thank God. I was so worried you wouldn't be able to get pregnant and I know how important it is to you to be a mother." And while I know it was probably a weird genetic quirk - one of those things. Those things that happens that no one can control or prevent or it was simply that a cell didn't divide the way it should - in short, that there is no earthly reason we know of that this should happen again or that we shouldn't have a healthy pregnancy - I fear that it is my fault. That the quality of my eggs is poor, because I lived so many years in such unhealthy fashion and that my babies will pay the price of it.

So today is not a good day, I think. I hate feeling this way and thinking these things and I hate that I can't turn it off. Will this ever stop?

1 comment:

I hope that each day will get easier for you as you go through this hard time. I don't completely understand cause I've never been there but, like everything we go through, there will be days that are harder than others.

I want you to know I've been praying for you and will continue to do so for sure!!

"Now Rachel's weeping for the children she thought she could not bear, and she bears a sorrow that she cannot hide. And she wishes she was with them; she looks and they're not there. It seems that love comes for just a moment and it passes on by.And her sky is just a bandit swinging at the end of a hangman's noose, because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it. And her friends say, 'My, that's tragic.' And she says, 'Especially for the moon.'And this is the world, as best as I can remember it."