Saturday, January 31, 2015

Why My Family Doesn't Do Sleepovers

by Tim Challies

James Dobson believes that children should not participate in
sleepovers. The world has changed, he says, and has become too dangerous
to allow your children out of your sight for so long. In his book Bringing Up Girls, he says:

Sadly, the world has changed in the last few decades, and it is no
longer a safe place for children. Pedophiles and child molesters are
more pervasive than ever. That is why parents must be diligent to
protect their kids every hour of the day and night. …

Until you have dealt with little victims as I have and seen the pain
in their eyes, you might not fully appreciate the devastation inflicted
by molestation. It casts a long shadow on everything that follows,
including future marital relationships. Therefore, parents have to think
the unthinkable in every situation. The threat can come from
anywhere—including neighbors, uncles, stepfathers, grandfathers, Sunday
school teachers, coaches, music instructors, Scout leaders, and
babysitters. Even public bathrooms can be dangerous today…

He believes the threat is so pervasive that parents should not allow
their children to participate in sleepovers. I find myself both agreeing
and disagreeing.

I agree with the nature of his concerns. Before my children were even
old enough to ask, Aileen and I talked it through and decided we would
not allow our kids to do sleepovers. Now let’s be clear: there is no
biblical command that forbids them, so this was not a matter of clear
right and wrong, but a matter of attempting to act with wisdom. We
determined we would make it a family rule: Our children would not be
allowed to spend the night at their friends’ homes. We believed they
would face a particular kind of vulnerability if they found themselves
alone and in bed outside our care, and we wanted to protect them from
it. So they have stayed at their grandparents’ and have stayed with my
sisters when we’ve visited the South, but they have not stayed at
friend’s homes. (Note: My son is fourteen and we have now relaxed the
rule with him, though permission is still dependent on circumstances.)

The reason we drew the rule so firmly was that it removes exceptions
and explanations. We know ourselves well and realized that if we drew up
a list of exceptions we would inevitably broaden that list over time.
Not only that, but we did not want to have to explain to a family why we
allowed our children to stay with others but not with them. So
sleepovers were just taken right off the table without exceptions or
individual explanations.

In this way I agree with Dobson that there is wisdom in avoiding
sleepovers. But here’s where I disagree: that the risk is that much
higher today than it was decades ago.

Aileen and I made our decision based largely on experience and
observation of what happened around us when we were young. We made this
decision because even in our youth—decades ago—we saw plenty of evidence
of the dangers inherent in sleepovers.

When I was young I had some bad experiences with sleepovers. Nothing
devastating happened to me, but I did learn that sleepovers bring a
certain vulnerability and that children often behave foolishly in these
circumstances. Before long my family came to know the local chief of
police and he told us that if he had learned anything in his many years
of law enforcement it was this: Don’t let your kids sleep over. As I got
older I learned of several people I knew who had been taken advantage
of during sleepovers, and it wasn’t a perverse father in most cases, but
a predatory older brother or sister or cousin. Sometimes it was even
the friend himself. The world was plenty dangerous back then and
children were just as vulnerable, but somehow these things weren’t
talked about as they are today.

As Aileen and I considered all of this and weighed it in our minds,
we decided that the benefits of sleepovers did not outweigh the risks.

Denny Burk writes,
“Parents must be as wise as serpents and innocent as doves when
figuring out the best way to protect children from both. Moreover,
parents will often have to pursue principles that might seem strange to
the rest of the world but which are the only rational responses to very
real and potential threats to children.” Burk believes we need to
challenge the assumption of sleepover-as-norm, and I quite
agree. Do not allow yourself to feel pressured into sleepovers simply
because it is what parents have always done. Instead, consider the
issues and come to a conclusion that is right for your family and
your context.

I would be interested to know: Do you allow sleepovers? Why or why not?

6 REFLECTIONS ON SLEEPOVERS

I didn’t see this one coming. After over ten years of daily blogging, I
tend to have a pretty good sense of which articles have the potential
to cause a reaction and which articles have the potential to fizzle. I
might have guessed that an article on why my family doesn’t do sleepovers
would have attracted a few more readers than usual, but I wouldn’t have
believed that in its first week it would be read by nearly 750,000
people. But it was, and I found myself wondering why.

I’ve spent some time reading through comments and responses to try to
understand why so many people were interested in reading about
sleepovers. Here are a few personal takeaways from the discussion.

1. Validation

I was surprised to realize how many parents are concerned about
sleepovers and how many do not allow them. I think one of the reasons
the article spread is that it validated a lot of people who had assumed
they were on their own. That “Me too!” factor was important as parents
realized they are not the only ones who have made the decision not to
allow their kids to participate in sleepovers. On a very practical note,
the sleepover discussion is binary—either you do or do not allow them,
and that allows everyone to take a side. Taking sides generates
controversy and controversy generates shares and clicks. Takeaway: There
are a surprising number of people who do not appreciate or
allow sleepovers.

2. Controversy

I would like to think that when someone writes, “Why my family
doesn’t do sleepovers” or “Why my family loves sleepovers,” we do not
take it as a personal affront. Articles like these can represent a
helpful opportunity to sharpen our thinking, even if we do not change
our position. We are never better or stronger than our convictions and
face the life-long challenge of continually deepening those convictions.
While I did receive a lot of very helpful feedback from people who
agreed and who disagreed with me, there was also an awful lot of anger
and bickering. Christians too often do poorly with controversy, even on
relatively minor discussions like this one. We are quick to feel judged
and slow to extend grace and understanding. If we aren’t careful, “Why
my family doesn’t do sleepvers” quickly morphs into, “Why you’re a
terrible parent and will ruin your children if you allow
sleepovers.” Takeaway: We need to grow in our ability to deal well
with controversy.

3. Experience

Perhaps the strongest theme I saw in all the comments and responses
was this: Our decisions are inseparable from our experiences. I made it
clear in my article that my childhood experience with sleepovers was
part of the reason I dislike them. Meanwhile, I heard from many other
people who essentially said, “I will never allow sleepovers because I
was sexually abused during one” or “Sleepovers are great and I never
faced any uncomfortable situations during one.” We are all products of
our experiences and we necessarily parent out of those experiences.
Parents who had difficult or tragic experiences with sleepovers tend to
approach them differently from those whose experiences were only ever
good. Takeaway: We do well to learn from one another, rather than
assuming our own experience is universal.

4. Fear

Every parent makes certain decisions based on fear—the fear of what
may happen if they make a poor decision. Sometimes we deny our children
privileges out of a desire to protect them. We rate the uncertainty of a
situation higher than the benefit of the situation. One of our foremost
fears is making a poor decision that exposes our children to sexual
abuse. For many people sleepovers introduce too much of the unknown and
in that way plays right into the fear that we will put our children at
risk. Takeaway: Sleepovers have a way of exposing our fears, and we
respond in many different ways.

5. Expectation

What I heard from many parents is that they do not appreciate the
expectation that they ought to allow their children to sleep over.
Aileen and I have experience with this, and have had parents outright
mock us and call us overprotective for not allowing sleepovers (even
though we barely know the parents or family!). I don’t think anyone can
deny that both options—allowing and disallowing sleepovers—represent
legitimate choices for parents. But those who do not allow sleepovers
feel like they are facing unfair pressure to conform (while,
undoubtedly, those who do allow sleepovers feel like others consider
them reckless). As Christians we need to be careful to lovingly affirm
those who make a choice different from our own and to refuse to pass
judgment on them. Takeaway: Let’s not make sleepovers an expected part
of a normal childhood.

6. Change

Different families have always had different rules about movies
and bedtimes and other issues that arise during sleepovers. But a new
and important issue where parents lead their families in different ways
is access to the Internet. Many parents expressed concern about their
children being in a home where the rules were far more relaxed than they
would want. I read comment after comment from people concerned about
the prevalence of pornography today. And, indeed, many people told of
how their children were first exposed to porn while sleeping over at a
friend’s home. Takeaway: For many parents the possibility of exposure to
pornography represents the “bridge too far” that keeps them from
allowing their kids to sleep over.

At the end of it all, I am glad that I
wrote the article and even more glad that I was able to benefit from
some excellent comments and articles in response. Let’s keep the
conversation going until we are firm in our convictions and charitable
toward others.