Gimme Five: Worst Covers Ever (At This Precise Moment)

I’m sure that there are worse. They’re everywhere. Like fecal matter(What? On my toothbrush, too? Jesus Christ. . .). But these bands are from a certain pedigree. . . Nu Hardcore or something like that. . .

1) “Black Betty”, Spiderbait

My sister and brother-in-law had a “white trash” party once. Guests were encouraged to supply “entrance music”, and as required by law, someone chose this Ram Jam track. Seal and Heidi Klum made this type of party Jump the Shark, btw.

What makes this song an appropriate white trash anthem is it’s overall Lynard Skynard-ness; twin guitars, the flanger from “Are you Sure Hank Did It This Way?”, noodly Southern-Rock time/rhythm changes. Plenty to keep you busy coming off a meth binge.[THIS IS NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF LYNARD SKYNARD]

It would be disingenuous of me to say, “Who the eff is Spiderbait?”(ask Australia). I mean, who the eff is Ram Jam(ask the NAACP)? Still, these classically-untrained musicians could have done some of the original stuff. Without the Southern rock musical anecdotes, the song is just. . . boring.

2)”Paranoid”, Avenge Sevenfold

If you were to pick a “Black Sabbath”-sounding song, which one would you pick? “Into the Void”? My fave. “Black Sabbath”? Spooky rawk! “Changes”? Whatever, Mary. “The Sabbath Stones”? GET OUT.

“Paranoid” isn’t super indicative of the spookier Sabbath, but it’s rocking and iconic, so a fair but safe choice. Avenge Sevenfold did the song exactly like the album version. Well left, players.

Except the guitar solo is a wheelbarrow of dog shit. My dog Dixie heard it and licked her chops. Don’t kiss Daddy, Dixie. If you’ve ever referred to Avenge Sevenfold as A7X, you don’t know what a good guitar solo is.

. . . with the fact that they weren’t talented enough to perform the cool uptempo part? Or smart enough to realize it was important to include it?

. . . with the dumbtastic Speak-and-Spell sample, the worst use of a robot since “Heartbleeps”(which, incidentally, was the worst use of Andy Kaufman AND Christopher Guest)?

. . . with the fact that any Limp Bizkit sighting makes me sad that Method Man soiled his street cred, just a tad, by hanging with them in a song?

How about all the Youtube commenters that say “dood this is the theme song of my life!” I’m so fucking glad that MUSIC is important to PEOPLE.

4) “Four Sticks”, Rollins Band

I know. This entry doesn’t seem fair.

There’s no shame if you bought Encomium. Hopefully you didn’t buy it for Cheryl Crow, but everyone on the planet (except David Coverdale) loves Led Zeppelin. This album was made before the cookie-cutter Industrial/Reggae/Bluegrass/String Quartet cover albums or Great White’s murderous job(I’m talking about Zeppelin covers! Sorry, Rhode Island!), so the novelty drew a lot of folks in.

Two songs in particular seemed to have potential: “Four Sticks”, and a cover of “Custard Pie”, by Helmet and David Yow of the Jesus Lizard. Page Hamilton may be Bowie’s own, personal Adrian Belew now, but the “Custard Pie” cover fell pretty flat then. The Rollins Band pretty much nailed it, though. Talk-y, punk-y singing, weirdo chords and guitar, floppity drums. Well played(there’s a cricket test playing in the corner of my eye).

This song makes the list because it gave the license for others to try and fail, fail, fail. Like. . .

5) “Into the Void”, Monster Magnet

Nativity In Black: II is total fucking bullshit, and your opinion is not invited because if it is of a contrary position it is zombie-dead wrong. I feel better. Moving on. . .

This song is the perfect storm of horrible. Nonsense at the beginning? Got it! Failed to capture the awesome beginning riff of the song? Fure Sure, Cap’n! My favorite Sabbath song mocked by a stoner Mook band? Done and done! Horrendous. Shitty and horrendous. If going on a pot trip means listening to this piss and thinking it’s beautiful, forget it, I thought(TOTALLY PLAGURISED LINE FTW).

True story: me and some friends were on the way to see Dillinger Escape Plan(TOPSCORE [10]) open for Mr. Bungle(TOPSCORE[10 +1 bonus gay crush on William Wynant]), and we agreed to listen to NIB II without fast forwarding or skipping any of the tracks. A full bukkake facial of horrible covers awated us. We made it all the way through until the last track, the Busta Rhymes “Iron Man” sample song, when I, the group’s most seasoned hip-hop lover, gave everyone permission to stop the madness. Whatever genre those bands are in (Static X, Godsmack, Monster Magnet, System of a Down, et al) became reviled from that point on. Since God gave rock and roll to us, though, our unnecessary diligence was rewarded with a live recording of “Astromony Domine”, by The Pink Floyd, ON A JUKE BOX IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN SPRINGFIELD, MO, THANK YOU JESUS THANK YOU GOD.