In the previous track we discussed Systematic Desensitization
As a cover up for the underlying depression many males may lash out at others
and become batterers. According to "How Men Handle Depression," "What
you see are the footprints of depression or the defenses a man is using to run
from it. We see it in self-medication, isolation and lashing out."

Anger
is classically a way of passing psychic pain on to others. It's a way of making
others pay for your clients own emotional deficits. This lashing out anger can
fuel the depression that leads to suicide.

Five Costs of Violent Behavior
As you know, abuse is not only
about losing control, getting angry, or blacking out. The lashing out male needs
to see the benefits and costs of his battering behavior. The costs of violent
behavior are high. But these costs may not be obvious to your client who is masking
his depression and possible suicidal thoughts with battering. As you listen to
these 5 costs, consider a client you are treating. What costs, if any,
is he most concerned about?

Cost #1. Is your client concerned
about being arrested? This is an obvious consequence to violent behavior,
yet as you know, many batterers truly believe that they won't be caught and what
they are doing isn't wrong in the first place. Darrell, a 42 year old carpenter,
had been court ordered into anger management therapy after severely beating his
wife, Trish. Darrell stated, "I can't believe I had to spend two nights in
that stinking place and just for putting her in line! Somebody has got to do it,
and it is my right as her husband."

Cost #2. Is your
client concerned about not being able to return home? As you know, if a batterer
is arrested, there is the very real possibility that he will not be able to return
home until going to court. Darrell stated, "I had to get my mom to go over
there and get me some clothes. Imagine, I couldn't even set foot in my own house!
She doesn't pay the bills. I do. She should have had to stay somewhere else."

Cost
#3. Is your client concerned about seeing his kids? As you know, many abusive
men aren't allowed to see their children until they see a judge. When reflecting
on his ugly divorce to Trish, Darrell stated, "I never laid one finger on
those kids. Why would I punish them for having a stupid and lazy mother? It's
not their fault! Now I can't even see them until I finish these classes and the
judge gives the 'OK'."

Cost #4. Is your client concerned
about wasting his time and money? As you know, the majority of batterers are
court ordered into anger management classes. They have to pay for the classes
and could possibly miss work in order to make one of the meetings. Most abusive
men look at these classes as a waste of time and money. When considering his anger
management therapy Darrell stated, "I really don't think all this is necessary!!
I may have gotten out of line a bit, but this is ridiculous! I'm missing 2 hours
of work and paying for this crap!"

Cost #5. Is your
client concerned about giving his partner the upper hand? In his mind, he
gave his wife the upper hand by being caught. Now she thinks she can say anything
she wants. When thinking back on his arrest, Darrell stated, "I can't believe
she sent me to the can! I hate that place almost as much as I hated the smug look
on her face when I saw her in court."

Have you noticed
that all of these comments have to do with how inconvenient the consequences of
Darrell's abuse were for him? As you know, men that batter women normally aren't
concerned about how their violence hurt someone else, but how it hurt them. The
effects on those that they have hurt matters only to the degree that it will affect
them.

Anger is a negative experience so closely bound to pain and depression that it can sometimes be hard to know where one of these
experiences ends and the others begin.

Six Payoffs for the Abuser
Of course there are
ways batterers benefit from the abuse of others. Otherwise, they wouldn't keep
doing what common decency tells them they ought to stop. As you listen, consider
a client you are currently treating and which of these 6 Payoffs makes
his abuse worthwhile.

Payoff #1. Does your client use the
abuse to get his way? Darrell said that when he got home from work, everybody
would get in line. "I never had to say 'It's my way or the highway,' because
it was pretty much understood."

Payoff #2. Does the abuse make
your client feel powerful? Darrell stated, "I know I have the power.
No matter what was going on before I got there, it was over when I walked into
the house."

Payoff #3. Does your client abuse his partner
so he gets to be right? Darrell stated, "When she got home one night,
she was being all snooty and refused to explain where she was and why she hadn't
fixed any meals for the kids. That irritated me, so I popped her one. It worked.
She was always home and always had dinner on the table after that night."

Payoff
#4. Does your client feel that the abuse gives him a final say? Darrell stated,
"I get to have the final say. When I say we're done talking, we're done talking.
She knows better than to push me past that point."

Payoff #5.
Does your client abuse his partner so he doesn't have to ask twice? Darrell
said that all he had to do was give Trish a look and she'd get in line. "I
might as well have just snapped my fingers," he stated.

Payoff
#6. Does your client abuse his partner so he gets to make all of the decisions? Darrel stated, "I never had to worry about where she was or what she was
doing, like going out to the bars. I just put my foot down. She wasn't going.
Period!"

Many batterers will keep on abusing their partners
because the benefits outweigh the costs. He believes that feeling superior and
getting his way is more important then being sent to jail or wasting money on
anger management classes. Abuse is not an addiction. It is not a physical craving
that is out of the batterer's control.

So, why doesn't he just change? Because
there is a short-term gain to using control and abuse, and there is most definitely
a long-term cost. As you know, many batterers don't change because they like the
short-term gain, but cannot see the long-term costs of their destructive behavior.
I'm sure you will be able to recognize this resistant behavior in recognizing
costs as I describe Mitch, Cory, and Harold.

Mitch always
complains about being tired during our sessions, and wants to leave early. He
doesn't really care about what has gone on in the group. He just wants to do his
time and get out. Mitch hasn't learned anything. He already "knows it all."

Cory, a construction foreman who is what we would call a perfectionist, likes
to argue with every comment made by almost anyone. He often starts by saying,
"Let me tell you where you're wrong." Of course, he leaves out the rest
of that thought, which would be "and where I'm right."

When Harold
walks in, and I know I have to be ready to deal with him. He'll try to take up
the entire two hours talking about how he was denied due process and how his wife
is at fault too. It really "pisses him off" that she isn't also here
in the group. Harold's wife agrees with him. She claims that she, too, is at fault
and that Harold is basically a good guy. At least that is what he tells us.

Six Step Anger Visualization
Technique
As
you know, with resistant clients such as Mitch, Cory, and Harold, asking how
the abuse started is an extremely important question. Obviously, if they never
think about how it started how can they get past the resistance that is being
shored up by a larger payoff than a cost. I found that the 6 Step Anger Visualization
Technique helped Mitch, Cory, and Harold in understanding how their abuse
was triggered.-- Step #1. In an individual session remind
the client of a cost he had stated for ex: concerned about seeing their kids.-- Step
#2. Ask them to briefly describe a controlling, abusive, or violent incident.-- Step
#3. Ask the client to close their eyes and visualize the situation.-- Step
#4. Ask the client what they were thinking before the act of control, abuse,
or violence.-- Step #5. Did your thoughts somehow trigger your actions?-- Step
#6. Did your feelings somehow trigger your actions?

Asking
about how the abuse started is really an important question to perhaps link it
to depression. The answer is important, and the question is important. If he never
thinks about it, how will he change? Well, he won't, of course. As you know, with
many abusers, nothing is ever their fault, they are either blaming the system
or their partners. Thus, layers of blaming others masks their underlying depression.

Online Continuing Education QUESTION
14 What are six battering Payoffs? To select and enter your answer go
to CE Test