Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Would rather have another MRI every day than another dream that will never be a reality. I digress.

I had another MRI yesterday, due to increased pain, swelling and some spikes in temps. I have an old MRI pic, a pic of the one right before the infection presented itself...then the ones from yesterday. I can't really read them, but I was shown what the fluid was in the last MRI...obvious after I was told. So, I know that there is a big pocket of fluid this time too.

I am scared of course that there is something else going on...yet again. I know that God is in control...but that doesn't remove all the fear. I have been through so much, and that was in God's plan and it was scary!

I go tomorrow to talk to the doctor and I guess find out what is planned. I am seeing the ID (infectious disease) doctor and not my surgeon. I assume that he will call or send a message to my surgeon if there is something to worry about.

I don't want this to keep me from going to the beach next week. I need it, I have to have that rejuvination of my heart and soul. I need the comfort of close friends, best of friends and the spiritual touch of my church, my pastor. I have family and friends here, but my heart needs certain people ( will not mention names....they know who they are!) I can picture me now....just getting hugs and feel that bond that will never be broken...distance can't break it. I hope I don't cry too much...so emotional lately! Yep...crying right now.

I had this dream a few nights ago...one of those so real you feel it for days kind of dreams.

I dreamed we were in Myrtle Beach at our church. My mother was there, Leslie was there and we were out in the foyer and my mom was standing talking to Leslie and Leslie told her how excited she was that we were pregnant together. I don't think I new I was pregnant, but when I heard her say that to my mom I was like oh...yeah, then the pastor walked up and my mom said to him...thank you for praying for my baby to have a baby. He looked at us and Scott said yep, I am going to be a daddy soon. I looked down and rubbed my belly, and there wasn't a baby there that I could tell. I looked up at the pastor and he was smiling and I said..."They said I wouldn't have a child, that I was too old, too fat, too sick...but God has said different." He hugged me, never said a word just was smiling so big. Then I looked down and I had a preggo belly. Leslie was crying, my mom was too. Happy tears. We sat down in the sanctuary and then the pastor called me up to give my testimony and I went right up and waddled up the steps and told the church about all I had been through and how God had delivered me and now gave me my hearts desire - a baby. I was crying and the congregation was too. Then I started to sing Child of God. Then I woke up, looked down...no baby. It was all so real.

I don't understand why God lets me dream dreams like this. To feel a child of mine in my arms, so real that I smell the baby smells, I feel him in my arms and this last dream I felt him in my belly. Then to wake up and not want the dream to end so I keep my eyes closed, my body still for as long as possible to not lose that feeling. Then to really wake up and realize my arms are empty, my stomach never contained life. It always takes me a few days to get over these dreams...this one is still making me ache.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Lately I have felt the pain of others selfishness, hatefulness, pride - just evilness! These are people thought I could trust and depend on, people that I love and respect, people that are family or friend. I have had so much going on in my on little world, that I tried to really ignore it and put it out of my mind. But sometimes - probably more than sometimes, satan pulls it off of the back burner and puts it right up to your nose. He does that with me a lot.

I know I am a Christian and that I shouldn't let satan have any control, but when you are weak in body, weak in spirit he gets a toe-hold and makes me think that I have to take care of these things, I have to make things worse most of the time by getting my own vengeance. Then, when I am on my knees (which isn't the easiest thing these days thanks to my back!) I hear that soft, warm voice drowning out the scruff, loud voice of satan. I know that I have to let my Father take care of me and anyone that sets out to hurt me, and am quickly reminded that vengeance is HIS. I am His child, and what parent would ever want to see their child hurting...none that I know of.

I was reading a blog of a friend and she has posted the rest of this post on her blog, she is such a gifted writer. I had read a lot of her blog already and then...this morning I went straight to this and it was like my shoulders got lighter and some of that peace I had been missing is right back where I need it. Thank you Lord for moving my eyes and fingers to this post, just when I needed it. A very dear friend told me, "Hope, I would think with all that the Lord is letting you go through, that any friend or family member that loves you would support you...not try to bring you down even further!" Then she so wisely said..."The devil knows you are weak and he is using them to try to hurt you and your testimony." After just writing that, I really realize now that she is right, and I should be praying that they open their eyes and see what satan is doing and how he is using them. I really love my friends and family so much...to a fault maybe. I give my opinions way to quickly and probably put my nose where it shouldn't be sometimes. Out of love, out of concern...but you know what they say about good intentions.

So I am giving it over to God and praying without ceasing for my friends and family that satan has a hold of! Here is the blog I read...very comforting!

It can be easy to get discouraged when those around you treat you unfairly. I say that from experience. There have been times in my life when people whom I thought were closest to me... people I shared a great deal of happiness with... actually changed their tune, mid-song. I used to get all upset about it, feeling as though I was the only one it had ever happened to. There were times when I wanted to take matters into my own hands, getting even with those who would do me wrong. But it's strange, how time works for our benefit sometimes. You learn things as you get older, as you mature.

Some of the wisdom I've gained, regarding this subject, comes from Psalm 37. The whole chapter assures us that God will take care of those who would mean to cause us harm. We don't have to fight back, because He promises to come to our defense. He won't let them continue to mistreat us, to take their stabs at us. He will cut them down, the Bible says.

Verse 7 tells us "...fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass."

And I especially take comfort in verse 13, where it says "The Lord shall laugh at him: for He seeth that his day is coming."

Verse 15 reminds us that "Their sword shall enter into their own heart, and their bows shall be broken."

We don't have to be in a physical, hands-on battle for this to apply. Sometimes our enemies cut us the deepest with their words, their actions, their attitudes. They often do outright hateful, spiteful things against us, to try and hurt us or cause us to stumble in our own walk. Therefore, according to Psalm 37:15, their very own words, actions, attitudes (these weapons they use for ill-will against us) will come back on them, bringing the destruction upon themselves, instead. I kinda like the thought of that.

I take comfort in knowing that the Lord has promised He will take care of them. He will deal with their spitefulness and disrespect. He will bring about the means by which they will cease their firing at us. And it's been my experience that when He does, they'll look back and wish they'd gotten their hearts right a lot sooner. It could be through a deathly illness, or through losing a loved one, that He passes His judgement.

I know what the Bible tells us about messing with God's anointed. He says, "Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm." And anytime throughout Scripture the enemies have done so, God has unleashed His judgement upon them. Just like He promised, He cut them down.You may be asking why I'm sharing this here tonight. Well, perhaps God is giving someone, perhaps yourself, a reminder. Like I said, I've learned a great deal from personal experience (from both sides of the fence), and also in growing to a certain level of maturity from studying Scripture. I've learned that if you're pumped up full of pride and rebellion, you are not in the center of God's Will. He will burst that "big-head bubble" some how, some way. This could be your chance to turn things around by ceasing from your arrogant, self-willed actions... on your own... before He has to intervene.

Again, I've been on both sides of this, so I know first-hand you don't want to be "cut down" by God. Think about the thing that means absolutely the most to you. How would you feel if the Lord took that away? How awful would that be? All because you refused to obey Him. You can't believe part of His Word without believing it all. It has to be all or nothing. God sees your actions, and what's more, He sees what's inside your heart. He sees it, even if no one else does. And again, He will be the One to deal with you.

If this is you tonight, I pray you'll repent (turn your heart and attitude around), and make things right before another day passes, rather than have God intervene. Remember the Bible says... Surely your sins will find you out.

Monday, October 22, 2007

We had gotten a dog not too long ago named Sandy. She was a great dog, huge yellow lab. She was just too much to handle and my cousin Lori gave her a home...a big fenced in pasture and Anthony loves her to death. She has a big barn to sleep in and Anthony takes her to the pond.

I hated to give her away but she was too much for inside the house. My mother in law brought me a puppy...YES LENA...haha, she got me a tiny puppy-an American Bulldog. It was love at first sight. Caleb wanted to name her Flower...ehh, so we decided Daisy was a flower...and she is white. So we have been training her with a crate and she has started already to scratch at the door to go out...sometimes to just play but most of the time to do her business. She is so smart I think. I am having to teach her not to bite, and so far she is learning.

Having her has really motivated me to get up more, she has to go out...eat, drink. She can go up and down the steps now so that is easier. I just love her. Henry is finally starting to play a little...not too much, but a little. He just walks by her and sticks his nose in the air like he is too good to play with a puppy.

John snuggling with her, and he doesn't even like dogs...yeah right!! He hogged her the whole time we were there!

Her little Halloween dress...hehe

Awww how cute is she!!! SO STINKIN CUTE! Our house with some Halloween Decos...Scott did it...he is such a kid!

I am so excited. I didn't think I would be able to go on our planned beach trip to enjoy Jubilee at my Church in Myrtle Beach. But, no matter what the docs say..I AM GOING! I need it, more than ever. I need my heart and soul filled with joy and peace and healing from all the prayers, songs, sermons and miracles that happen at Jubilee. It is an amazing time, you can feel God moving and I never leave the same.

A bunch of women from my family are going. Mom, Lisa, Lori, Louise, Courtney, Gladys, Nancy, Lena and a few others I hope are going on November 6th until the 11th. Some of the men folk will be coming down for the weekend, but for the week days we are going to shop in the morning and shout in the evening. I think this will be a real bonding time too with a lot of the Christian women in my family. I have so much love and respect for these women already, I can't wait to get to spend time with them other than a get together.

I surely need all of this, I know mom does. I need time with Leslie too, my heart misses her so much. I miss having that friend that you can sit on the couch with your hair pulled back, t-shirt, shorts and just talk. They were our biggest negative on our list when we moved back home. I knew I would miss them, I just never dreamed it would hurt and make me want to move back so bad. I know we can't, but I never say never. I want one night at least to spend with them. I need that AHHH of a Christian friend who shares my faith and beliefs, who has been there for me so much, who shared her son with me .... I miss him so much too. He is precious and says my name and Scotts so sweeeetly.

I read back through my last post and it lifted me today. I have taken two steps back it seems. Pain is back, I don't think it is as bad as it was just before this last surgery, but much worse than it was when I came home. I have rested, been restless of course. This has been such a long process...getting out to ride to the pharmacy or to a doctor visit is a high point of my days. My parents have been ill, and it made them nervous (and me too) for them to visit while they have had fevers. So, I have spent a lot of days alone while Scott is at work. Lena has came a few times and so has Lisa. Brad and Kita visit a lot which is such a blessing. They are expecting a child, I am so happy for them. They make such a great family already and I know Brad and Kita will make such great parents. They have already asked me to be their baby sitter, I quickly said YES YES YES. Kita wants to go back to work and I know they are such penny pinchers, I told them I wouldn't charge them a dime. Brad can just keep my grass mowed :).

There are others pregnant that I want to be excited for, I really do. But as I woke up this morning, AUNT FLOW here in full force...reminding me that I am not pregnant yet again (not that it would be possible this past 2 months...no exposure *SIGH*). I just don't understand my Heavenly Father giving the gift of a child to some people-some by accident, and my most fervent intense constant prayer to Him is to give me a child and yet...here I am, childless. I turn on the news, hearing how a mother killed her child, another shot her child with a shot gun, then herself. Countless abortions, It is hard to understand why not me, why God would give a child to someone who won't love it, who won't raise it according to God's will...and I would! It is a personal pain granted, but it isn't just my pain... I feel like I fail Scott. I feel his pain for wanting to be a father, even though he doesn't let me see it most of the time...I know him, I know his heart and I know it hurts him. I know my mother hurts for me, and I hate that she bears pain for me. She told me that if she could bear a child she would do it for me...that is an ultimate kind of love! My father, my mother in law and father in law, friends....they all hurt for me. I wish, I pray not just for my hurt to end...but theirs too.

That peace, though short lived, was a blessing. I crave it, I want it back...I don't know if it is the infertility pain creeping up again or it is the physical pain. I just don't know what is between me and the peace I felt. There are so many family issues going on. There is all the drama with Chris and his family. Chris is not seeking God's will but his own will. My family has dealt with a death and then the continuous split. I was upset about it very very much, but really it is sad now. I feel sorry for those involved. Most are taking it out on the entire family by not coming to family functions and not talking for whatever reason. I guess they don't realize that what they do and don't do not only affects themselves and other adults...but the children are missing out on so much. But...what can I do, I have finally realized I can't solve all my families and Scott's families issues. All I can do is pray for them, every day. Pray for forgiveness, humility and for some salvation. I am glad that God sustains the peace he has given me concerning at least my side of the family. I pray for that concerning Chris.

I just had almost a 2 hour talk with my mother, followed by a short but heartfelt talk with my dad. My mother ... if there are ever really saints on earth, she is one. With all of the pain she has been through recently, her faith never waivers and her advice is always from the heart and always God inspired. She is the strongest woman I know, she loves me so much - I wish I had always seen her through these eyes I have now. Growing up, I didn't feel the same way...typical growing daughter...saw every fault and none of her amazing traits.

I have had a very difficult day. I am having a reaction to the dressing that covers the PIC line. Blisters and a skin tear. I am taking Benadryl every four hours and I hope that it will keep me from scratching. My back is puffy again, nowhere like before, and not hot or anything. I have been spiking a temp almost every evening...after dealing with an infection like I have every little thing sends up a flag. My home health nurse said for me to keep a record of my temps for the doc. I go see my back doctor on Wednesday, hoping to get the staples taken out. I also see the infectious disease doctor that day. I am hoping my labs have been ok and maybe we can stop the antibiotics early. I will do whatever he says though, I don't want to take a risk at all. I see my primary doctor on Thursday and *sigh* I think I need something...I have this hopeless feeling lately since the pain has been coming back. I have never wanted to admit anything and take anything for that...I always felt strong enough in myself to handle things, always strong enough in God to handle things. Scott called him before this last surgery...when I was at bottom. But after the surgery when my doctor came in to talk to me about it...I was on cloud 9 and told him God had taken care of everything.

I want happiness, I want to be pain free, I want a child. I want my families whole and love and peace to abound with them. I want my friends to have every happiness. I pray for these things daily, and I know we are supposed to pray expecting God to answer.

I haven't lost faith, I haven't stopped praying...just that peace I had has dissipated and my oh my how I want it back. I know satan is trying his best to get me to question my Savior, wants me to feel alone and empty. He succeeds some of the time, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done...I know where my strength lies. I am human, I get overwhelmed just like anyone else. I feel pain and sometimes it just takes control and it takes me getting on my knees, praying and listening for that soft sweet voice in my soul telling me that He is here, He is in control and He does love me...even when I don't feel so loved.

I have so many blessings in my life. I have the most wonderful husband ever, wonderful parents who are there for me always, wonderful in-laws that love the Lord and love me. I have a renewed relationship with Amanda that has helped me grow and hopefully has helped her as well. I have friends, ohh such sweet friends. God blessed me with Leslie and Burt, I get all teary thinking about them and how much I miss them and Colin. I have great friends on-line too, sometimes I wonder where I would be without them. They are constant, they pray for me and are there for me any time I call out to them. Even with all their faults I have great brothers who love me, and would do anything for me. Brad is such a blessing to me, he will never know how deep my love is for him. He is always there for Scott and I and if I had a child I would pray he would be like him. I could go on and on but I would be here all night. But, I can tell you...listing my blessings makes some things seem not so significant. Maybe I should make a list every day!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Whew...I have so much to tell you, hope I can get it all out. I know some of you know I went back into the hospital this past Thursday evening. (October 4th)

I went to the ER after much prodding from friends. I knew something was wrong but I just couldn't wrap my brain around something else happening.

It all started on Wednesday last week (October 3rd). I went in at 11 for an MRI, I can't drive so my mother in law took me back to her house I could rest there and she wanted to cook dinner for Scott and I. He could just come there when he got off work. I knew something was wrong that evening, I felt like I was running a fever, something just wasn't right. I fell asleep chilling on her couch and woke up out my sleep needing to vomit (sorry TMI). I couldn't eat and she made all my favorites. She couldn't find her thermometer,I got home and my temp was 101.6 I think and I went to lay down and my back just felt strange, it felt like it was swelling and it was hot and tender to the touch on and around the incision. I blew it off that I had been in that MRI for almost 2 hours. But the next morning after my fever broke violently...my hair was wringing from sweat...I looked at the site and it was red. My back was a bit more swollen and hard. I took a shower and after being up like that the swelling increased almost before my eyes (or hands...can't see my butt/back area). SOooooooooo I called my ortho and he said for me to go straight to the ER, I should have called him the night before or at least Wednesday morning. Yes, he yelled at me too.

I was so mad and felt like God had really left me alone, forgotten about me almost.

I didn't think they would keep me so I didn't even pack a bag...much to Scott's chagrin! We get to the ER around 330 and finally went back to a room about 530. I get back there, in so much pain from sitting up that long in the waiting area. I lay there for an hour before the nurse (NOT A GREAT ONE) came in and he asked a few questions and said the ER doc would be in in a few minutes. Another hour later my ER doc comes in. My doctor said if my white count was high to have the ER doc call to get me admitted. Well, the ER doc didn't want to...he thought I had a kidney infection. He barely looked at my back. I made him call my ortho doc and finally he admitted me. About 11 pm I go to a room. My docs PA comes in Friday morning while my ortho doc was in surgery and tells me my dr will be by later. About an hour later the nurse comes in telling me that they are taking me to x-ray for the radiologist to aspirate this pocket of fluid. That was when I talked to Kari, and I called for the nurse and told her that my whole back contours had changed since the MRI. He was the only one to see my back last week and it was completely normal. And now it is hard and swollen to my left hip and almost to my right! I said I will not do it until he sees me...she was a little miffed. It looked like 2 halves of a foot ball on each side...like I had two butts and trust me my one is enough!

My ortho doc comes in and he took one look and said oh my Hope. He stepped out then came back in and said that an aspiration won't do, that he will have to open it back up and remove any infected tissue and then wash it out with saline. He said that an infectious control doctor will come in to speak me and that I will have to have a PIC Line put in (iv put into a big vein that can be in for months) it is put in the upper arm...ugly thing. I will have to have antibiotics for 6 weeks. He told me he had to do it today, it couldn't wait so I had ate breakfast so my surgery was to be around 5...scared me just hearing that it HAD to be done!

I was at the lowest point in my entire life Friday morning. I was alone, Scott had left to go get me some things. I begged God to just take me, that I just couldn't handle all the crap I was putting all my family and friends through...I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I was second guessing my coming to the hospital, that ER doctor ringing in my ears that this was a kidney infection . Then when all the other happened (getting the real diagnosis) that almost sent me over the edge. I was crying when anyone called, came in...heck all alone I was having a pity party for one! I felt sooo alone, even with all the calls and emails and such. Thanks Kari for being silly and making me laugh a little too...you goob!

My dad had an appt to get his blood drawn and then he stopped in, he was so pale but he looked and sounded better. He was so sad for me. No one could hug or kiss me, I was on contact precautions. Scott did anyways, he wouldn't even wear the gowns and gloves and such...men. Dad wanted to hug me so bad, but he did hold my hands...through gloves of course and prayed over me. Ever since I was a little girl, when I was sick he would pray over me...I always call him to come or at least pray with me over the phone. I felt a little better, but still was so depressed about it all.

Scott's parents came and spent the rest of the night here, knowing that my parents couldn't be here...they sure filled in. John, his dad, always serious and stone faced, was so sweet and he took his gloves off to hold my hand and pray with me too. He cried!!! 5 o'clock was close, 6 came...no surgery yet, 630... I called the nurse and asked if they had forgotten and if so...I wanted a cheeseburger! haha.

They started to take me down about then, and here hobbles in my one legged pastor...well, my dads. He thought I would be done, but boy did I need to feel and hear him praying over me...just touched my soul! I sat down in holding for about another 1 1/2 hours.

I was still pretty down laying in holding, the nurse anesthetist was talking to me and she said, I don't know if this will help or make you feel better but Dr. Maxy is more than a great doctor, he is a great person, man and father...but he is mostly a good Christian man! Now I know some will think this is nuts, but I usually ask if my docs are a Christian...but I never have asked him...not only is he a Christian he was a pastor before becoming a doctor. It was just like my eyes opened, my heart immediately became lighter and I realized that everything was over, everything was going to be fine. She said that not only are his hands skilled by education and experience, but they are led by God. I am telling you girls right now, I thought God had left me I have never in my life felt so alone - looking back today it almost looks like I was in darkness, and in one short conversation I was overwhelmed with his presence and I was immediately OK! I felt him all over me telling me I have put enough on you, I have brought you as far as needed in this valley...mountain peaks are in store. I am here, ALL is well!

I went into the OR, he did the surgery and when I woke up in the recovery room I felt better mentally and spiritually than I have felt in years or maybe ever. My pain is unbelievably relieved. I still have the leg pain and some back pain but the pain that has immobilized me for weeks is gone.

I was told they opened me up and it just started pouring out. They used 6 liters of saline to wash all the infection out...and that he drained off 3 liters - YES 3 liters (like a 3 liter coke) of infection off. I was still draining so it was almost 4 liters by the time they removed the drain. Here is the Miracle (one of many I think)...he expected to have to remove infected tissue/muscle and go all the way to the spine. To his shock the incision acted as a dam, the infection pooled up on either side and just stayed between the skin and muscle! It was unreal to him and the staff. The infection isn't staph either, it was strep...much easier treated. He said all that fluid was causing me all this pain and with it gone, I am feeling so much better.

I know that there are reasons all of this is happening. I don't know what they are, but this all hasn't been for nothing. And I am not revived in my heart and head and body for no reason. I am not saying I won't ever have another pity party but I will tell you this....for this moment, this point in time my faith is over flowing, my happiness is more than it has been in a long time, my outlook on life is so much brighter. Owing all of this first to God, I know He hasn't left me or forsaken me...He promised He wouldn't. Second to Scott, without busting into tears again...he has been my rock and I know that he will always be there, if he can tough it through all of this...he can take anything. Third my family - even when in turmoil they still pull it out for me. Last, but not least by any means my friends. All of your prayers and calls really got me through so much.

I know the journey isn't over, but it is like I can see sky for the first time in a long time...we are coming out of the valley and are finally climbing to the mountain top. I haven't felt so optimistic in a long time. I know that sometimes climbing a mountain can be hard, and maybe the difficulties are not all behind me...but knowing that that mountain peak is soon to be my resting place will make any set backs insignificant!

If friends hadn't pushed me it could have been much worse, he said even waiting one more day could have made a big difference in what he found. You guys potentially saved my life, I can never repay you...ever. *SNIFFLES* I AM NOT GONNA CRY! He told me I could have even have been paralyzed if I had let it go longer.

Last thing I want to say, is - I don't know how I would have made it through without God and His grace and love. As a Christian it astounds me how others get through situations like this without Him. My faith wavered...no doubt, but it was like when HE knew I was too far He made his presence known. Like Kari said, those in your face *I AM HERE* by God are the best! At least for my simple mind. Do you know Him??

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."Deuteronomy 31:6

Psalm 23The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

1 Peter 5:10 (New International Version)10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

***Wrote the rest after I got home***

I just got home and all I can say is AHHHHHHHhhhh AHhhhhhh my bed!...ahhhhhh my TV....and ahhhhhhhhh NO ONE ASKING IF I POOPED, PEED, DRANK, ATE!!

Thank you all for your prayers and for EVERYTHING, I can't tell you how much all of it meant and really there are no words that can say thank you enough.

I am so fortunate that it wasn't staph, it was a strain of strep...didn't, know you could get those anywhere but your throat . All of this could be so much worse, so blessed it wasn't. My friend that is a nurse that I have known a long time called me, she had saw dad at his blood draw and asked me how I was. I told her all about everything, the port the meds...all of it. She said ohh gosh Hope aren't you freaked out...scared to death. I thought about it for a minute...and last week I would have been, I was!

I don't think there is an explanation for perfect peace. I have tried to explain it to people, my words fumble and I just can't pull it all together. I don't know if it is explainable, just it is an experience! I am experiencing it right now. From Friday night I have felt as light as a feather, my heart is over flowing and my spirit is uncontainable. I hope it is a forever feeling! I KNOW without a shadow of doubt that God is in control....there is nothing these doctors or nurses or even me can do that can change that. So why worry?? Peace, that Peace that passes all understanding....that is it! I don't understand it, can't explain it but ohh goodness am I enjoying it.

I know I wrote that I will know why, when I get to heaven all answers will be there....but I was talking to a pastor today and he said the same thing, he will know why God chose to take his leg from him. I heard him say it then I said...you know what Pastor...when I get to Heaven....I just don't think that I will care why! I will be talking to my brother, talking to Jesus and Matthew, Mark, Luke and John....I just don't think I will even care about WHY God let me go through all of this!

Home health comes tomorrow to set me up with a pump and all the instructions and such for this 6 weeks of antibiotics.

Oh another praise....just full of them today! I was really stressed about the cost of the medicine, infusion care...all of that. I haven't worked since January and I already have a hefty monthly medicine bill, couldn't imagine how much this would be. We have had 3 surgeries, TONS of other expenses since I can't cook, Scott has been out a lot, GAS....just so much times have been tight. The home health nurse setting everything up at the hospital came in and I told her my concerns. She said I have options. I could come back every day to the hospital as an outpatient, but I will have to pay a co-pay every day like I would at a doctors. 40 bux a day...hmm, other option please...they would transfer me to a hospital closer to home and have to stay inpatient for 6 weeks She said, let me call the pharmacy have them run your insurance and see how much it will be. She came back and said that the pharmacy said my insurance said I had met my deductible and there won't be any out of pocket charge....ain't God good all the time!

***I went back to read some old posts and found this...and I can't wait to share all this with Pastor Freddie. All in God's time....HIS time, not mine! This is part of the post from August of last year. It was about a meeting with the pastor.

He said he had been burdened for me and that God gave him a verse to give to me...Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. I read it and read it and wow...it started working!!

PERFECT PEACE! It all came full circle in a way. The song that night that I had the stroke was Child of God...Do NOT be afraid! I was, I thought I was in control....took a year, 4 hospitalizations and 3 surgeries to get the hint...HE is in control and I should never be afraid.

Here are the lyrics...

Child of God, do not be afraid.Child of God, TRUST and obey.He will walk with you in the wayChild of God do not be afraid.

Lost and wandering in a world of sin,Why would God EVER take ME in?A cry rang out...from Calvary's blood stained Hill,Said CHILD I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL!

Time will pass and eye will start to fail.Tired and weary life becomes so frail.But, I'll not make this final walk alone,The Lord will lead me to my heavenly home.

Child of God, do not be afraid.Child of God, TRUST and obey.He will walk with you in the wayChild of God do not be afraid.