Oh no... parents have now invaded graduate school on behalf of their "children."

THE BASICS

The independence of young American adults just took a great leap backward. It was precipitated by the advance of their parents into new territory, a province once deemed innocuous enough for their offspring to navigate by themselves—getting into graduate school.

Now parents of 25-year-olds are only too eager to call graduate admissions officers and sing the virtues of their "children" or show up uninvited for campus visits intended for prospective students. Think of it as college displacement.

Adults, of course, rationalize their intrusive behavior by pointing out that they're the ones paying the bills, so they are entitled to know what's going on with their adult children. But commandeer the process? The money rationale rings awfully hollow. Parents have long paid the way for their offspring, usually with the clear aim of seeing that the kiddies acquire the knowledge and skills that support independence. Now, parents counter, costs are so great that schooling is an investment, as if some magical amount of money trips a switch in their brain that says it's OK for them to rob their kids of any degree of self-sufficiency.

Even if parents don't know where to draw a line, colleges should. They are, after all, in the business of promoting the development of young adults. Instead, they see an opportunity for their own survival, and some are going so far as to actually cultivate parental invasiveness. So many parents now show up for campus visits on admitted-student days that the University of Texas law school in Austin has quadrupled the number of such days it holds. An administrator at another graduate school advises that parents be looked on not as overzealous but as trusted partners and "benefactors," and that wooing parents can be the pipeline to more applicants.

"It's so sad," observes psychologist Michael Ungar, who heads the Resilience Research Centre at Dalhousie University and is a fellow PT blogger. "The point of parenting should be to grow a child who is capable of taking on adult tasks. I can fully understand coaching a child on how to fill in applications and how to deal with admissions officers. But doing that for the child is misguided and short-sighted. This is not a strategy for long-term well-being. It is always better to empower children to make good choices for themselves rather than having them remain dependent on parents to sort out problems for them."

The real motivations of parents are probably multiple. Without question, they are anxious about the future success of their kids and think that clearing every path for them, including taking over tasks, will smooth the way to achievement. Many parents want to continue the kinds of connection they had when their kids were younger; it feeds the illusion that the adults aren't aging after all, and it keeps the adults from having to carve new roles for their own post-parenting lives. There are studies showing that some parents are especially needy emotionally, expecting their children to supply the closeness missing from their marriages or their own social life. However you slice it, parents are putting their own emotional needs ahead of the developmental needs of their children.

The ultimate outcome of such behavior is not good. Only a few studies have examined the effects of helicopter parenting. It is a relatively new cultural phenomenon, at least on a large scale (there have always been overbearing parents, but they were a rarity, and we used to laugh at them). It takes time to realize that something fundamental in parenting has shifted and time for scientists to suspect that it may cause problems, and more time for them to pinpoint and define the elements of intrusive parenting so that they can then study its effects. That is just now happening. Leading the charge is Chris Segrin of the University of Arizona, along with Michelle Givertz of Cal State at Chico and Neil Montgomery of Keene State College.

"The over part of overparenting," the researchers observe in a recent study, "is a reference to excessive levels of involvement, control, and problem-solving dispatched seeming in the service of the child's well-being." The big surprise of one of their recent studies overturns the conventional wisdom that parents always act with the good intentions and positive regard for a child's well-being.

Au contraire, the researchers find, the inappropriate, anxiety-driven parenting tactics not only compromise children's autonomy, mastery, and personal growth, they often reflect a critical attitude by parents, who praise their children when they do well but withdraw affection, subtly or overtly, when they don't bring home that A. It's known in the psych biz as "parental conditional regard." At least that's how children perceive it. And that's what matters: The threat of criticism has corrosive effects on attitudes toward parents and self-development and contaminates relationship with others. "Emotional overinvolvement and criticism often go hand in hand in family relationships," explain the researchers.

This is just the beginning. Now that there are validated criteria defining overparenting, other researchers can study its effects. In the meantime, the latest study by Chris Segrin and colleagues shows that overparenting young adults breeds narcissism and poor coping skills. And having ineffective coping skills amplifies anxiety and stress.

To say that the new studies are significant is an understatement. They demonstrate how those who mean only the best for their kids can wind up bringing out the worst in them.

so spending all this money on tuition is supposed to help their kids make it big so that they can support the parents in old age. What parents should have done when they were younger was to ORGANIZE and DEMAND a fair living wage but collective action is frowned upon in our paradise of individual achievement. So we individuals who have not achieved enough to guarantee our own security try to help our individual progeny achieve enough to support themselves, us and presumably our future grandchildren too. This strategy will work only for a select minority, as the 99 percent falls ever farther and farther into the pit of declining wages and vanishing opportunities. Is it any wonder that parents try to juice the game any way that they can and help their kids ascend into the 1 percent?

Helicopter parents don't depend on their kids to provide for them in retirement, they make sure their kids don't depend on their parents during their parents' retirement! I say this from personal experience being a helicopter parent and having the polar opposite of parenting of myself.

Wanna know what happens! After being a very young A student to a lengthy abusive string of guys ending in drug usage, me learning about life, money, and independence THAT way, and now back with my parents, guess what? Now I am enrolled in an affordable class for insurance. I apologize daily. I try so hard to be nice and obey their rules but, I'm 24. I can't use the stove, I might burn myself. We have Bells on the doors when I open them like a prison, I get yelled at for waking them up when I go out to smoke- I need to go to bed. I need to eat less sugar. My dad has diabetes. And also, growing up I was forced into rehab for my drinking problem, forced to believe I had one, and living a labeled life of an alcoholic just because I wanted to make friends! But I couldn't hang out with friends. I had a gps in my car a tracker and on my phone. I couldn't be trusted. I made everything dirty. I couldn't even fuxking chew right! Now I get mad and stand up for myself (no more abusive boyfriends anymore!) and they tell me not to take my anger out on them for my lazy lifestyle and choices! When I went to college I had no fucking clue. I never had an allowance at home and I couldn't work unless it was the neighborhood pool. I never had money in my pocket. THEY handled it. Because they didn't trust me with it. So I never learned the damn value of money! Now I understand, I'm learning! And they are so mad at me for wasting their money. So angry that I am ruining their could be retired time. My dad wakes up from a coma just to work his ass off to support my naggy mom until the day she dies and their passive aggressive statements are making it my fault! But if I ring up their behavior they say I'm crazy and they "didn't say that" WELL YOU DIDNT HAVE TO! I'm done ranting. But that's what it does. I spent years crying in a therapist but all we could Coke up with was they won't change! I went to college to get away. I couldn't make friends I was weird! I never hung out I was quiet and very insecure about how I acted my mom always let me know when I walked funny or said weird stuff. I love them. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship where when I blow up and yell I hurt them but I hate how I am treated!!!! No wonder I spent half my life trying to die. Just GET OFF YOUR KIDS BACK ALREADY! It's almost like the parents are afraid that if they grow up they won't NEED them anymore but then get mad when they are NEEDED because now NOBODY HAS ANY DAMN MONEY!!!!!

I really enjoyed your article Hara. It is so common for parents to be overly involved in the lives of their young adult children. I really see the effects and impact of such family patterns have on young adults around the country. This "over parenting" leads many young adults to experience 1) increased self doubt 2) procrastination, 3) overachieving, 4) perfectionism, 5) rebellion, 6) not having the tools or experience to think things through, make decisions, face the consequences and be resilient, 7) or expecting others to take responsibility for solving their challenges. The game of life can have its fair share of challenges and if young adults don't have the tools or guidance needed to fall down and pick themselves up, it is going to be tough road ahead.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts as this conversation is an important one for us to have in this day and age. Best, Andrea

The real reason parents are continue to help their kids along long the beginning of adulthood, is that most young adults can't get self-supporting jobs anymore. Back in the day, your kid didn't have to get into grad school to make a decent living, or even college. An 18 year old could go work in a factory and buy a house in his early twenties. That's unheard of now.

If we don't raise the minimum wage, institute single-payer health insurance, and come up with a better plan for affordable housing, this is only going to get worse.

Yes, wages need to increase and cost of living needs to come down. Nit gonna happen, so prepare your children. Our job is to raise responsible adults. These kids need to experience the hard truths of being a contributing member of society. Hunker down and take a job that isn't ideal, share an apartment with multiple people, tough it out and earn a place in society.

Most of what I experience is that kids expect (because they are being raised that they are the end all, be all, from birth) to walk out with a diploma and get some high powered and high paying job. So, they won't take what is available and work their way up. Mom and dad take them in and don't make them pay rent or anything else....while they wait for the perfect scenario to arrive. The parents let the kids bleed them financially dry.

I guarantee when/if the parents need help down the road, these kids will not be capable and mom and dad wouldn't dare ask because they don't want to put burden on the little darling. After all it's their job to provide for them until the day they die, right? Wrong.

In the end we have a generation that has no ability to focus on anyone but themselves and another generation without retirement that surely won't be cared for by their children.

Time to buck up parents. My husband and I believe in helping those that help themselves. We have four kids and they all have work, degrees and live on their own. We didn't pay for schooling.

They have all moved back home at one time or another and we let them. But they are responsible for rent (which starts low and goes up $25 each month they stay), groceries, utilities, and chores. They must also be employed. When they move out they have savings.

It works and we all win.

We have expectations and we try to teach while helping. It isn't easy. Parenting isn't easy but it's our responsibility to raise self sustaining, loving, responsible adults and send them into the world to be loved, happy, hurt and disappointed.

Anyone who thinks going to grad school is going to get them a job these days is delusional - the path to self-sufficiency would seem to be the trades, not grad school!

I'm a physician who worked in the Student Health Clinic of a major Canadian university, and I saw it first-hand - not hundreds, but probably a thousand times (literally) - students "courted" by these institutions, and encouraged by parents who are from *my* generation - when grad school, hell, when *any* university degree meant you would definitely find a good job. No more, I'm afraid! Now, I have patients who have PhDs and are living on welfare (I'm being serious here), in basement apartments, without even money for internet.

Someone ought to sue the universities for false advertising, in my opinion - in Canada, we keep increasing enrollment in law school and teacher's college, for eg, despite knowing there's a dwindling needs for lawyers and teachers here.

It looks like it doesn't stop at grad school; the Wall Street Journal posted in September about companies like Google and Linkedin catering to these parents, as they feel they influence their prospective employees career choice. Parents are coming with their children to work, to job interviews, the first day of work, and, in a bizarre conceding from some companies, special Open Houses for new employees parents to meet the company. Frightening to think about the long term consequences on ones perception of self, confidence and autonomy.

Yes, parents have invaded the workplace, too. They show up for job interviews and demand to sit in on them. They call to negotiate salaries. It appears to be one of the practices that really anger older workers and causes generational friction in the workplace.

Google and LinkedIn are not in the business of doing what's best for the development of young adults. They want to get the most out of their employees, and if the parents of young employees are invested in their children's job, then it's likely said employee will be, too. Colleges and universities, on the other hand, ARE in the human development biz. They have a different obligation, to foster healthy growth. Now that overparenting has been defined by researchers, and criteria established, more studies will be looking at various aspects of the phenomenon—including how it harms young people in the medium and long term.

This is so, so, so true. As a high school teacher I can't count how many times I've been yelled at, cussed at, threatened, etc. by LOONEY BANANA parents who are upset at the grade I "gave" their kid. Wake up crazy parents, your kids are turning out nuts, too. They have no initiative, no sense of adventure and perseverance, and they are so incredibly anxious that they won't have a 4.0.
Oh wait...those are stories from when I worked at an upper-middle class school. When I moved towns I started teaching in a poor school...and the kids are much saner. They may not be monkeys doing tricks for adults' egos (i.e. higher test scores and resume building), but they sure are good at managing their emotions!!
Oh the embarrassment of a parent showing up for grad school admissions...why are you doing that to your kids?!

I teach in a law school. Parental involvement is over the top. My generation are doing their children no favors and the rationale when I ask -is they want happy children, they want to be different than their parents, it is hard to see you kid upset or fail, etc.
I watch students who are paralyzed from fear of failing. They have been supervised by adults since they were born what with play dates and pre-school soccer etc. and they have difficulty in working things out amongst themselves.

Parents do want happy children. But they have no idea what real happiness is or how it is achieved. They think it's the absence of negative or even disquieting feelings. They are terrified their child might spew an "I hate you!" at them.

Happiness is achieved by the mastering of challenges. There's excellent neuroscience research on this subject. Happiness is generated when one is struggling to achieve one's goals and they actually come into view. Ask any CEO...he or she will tell you: All the fun was getting there.

Happiness comes not from the absence of difficulty but mastery of it...precisely what parents want to remove from their children's lives. And so you have young people who have never had to figure anything out in their lives, demand certainty in an uncertain world (they want the test questions in advance), and are terrified of failure.

These studies appear to be from a lack of finding a more intellectual and constructive avenue to pursue. Most parents "do" have their children's best interest at heart and simply want to assist them in any way they can, as many children today are simply intimidated by the bureaucracy that our society has become. In a parent's mind they wish to help while they can, as, if the child does not get assistance they often can end up in situations where, if there had been more guidance from their parents, they could have avoided (for example too much student debt, or being taken advantage of because of their naivety, etc...). I believe this term "helicopter parenting" does nothing to help society and simply attempts to Monday morning quarterback someone's attempt at raising a successful and mature adult. And as for children afraid of failing, that does not necessarily belong on parental blame as society itself has become so judgmental that children are always afraid of what other people are thinking of them. SO think twice before you judge someone.

Most parents who exhibit this behavior DO NOT have their child's best interests in mind. They only have their OWN interests in mind, their own dreams, their own insecurities, their own fears, their own ideas, and many do not trust that their child has a brain, and can use it. These parents project all of those things onto their child and are so out of touch with themselves, lacking self-awareness.

Raising a successful adult is about slowly and gradually giving the child more freedom to let the him/her make their own decisions and live out their own dreams. Yes, we are supposed teach them and guide them, but we DO NOT do their work for them. We let them do it, and we help them when needed, when the child is struggling, or when the child asks us.

The term helicopter parenting is just another term for narcissism, google engulfing, narcissistic parents. This type of behavior has been around for many, many years.

FYI: I hate when people blame "society" for people's problems. That is a cop out to take personal responsiblity.

Agreed with above comment. As a parent, I can not trust the public k-12 education system controlled by teacher's unions that interested in more benefits, salaries; less about teaching students. So many students are failing math, sciences ....... Yet, this research attack parents for mentoring their children!

From the age of 1, kids are allowed in daycare. Then, they can go to Montessori schools. After that they can go to Kindergarten, then k-12. All this so parents don't have to spend time with their kids. This so parents can go to work and make sure society's machine keeps churning away.

Consider for a moment about the fact that entrenchment in our economy prevents the kind of innovation that would allow parents and their children to spend more time together. The flow of money does not care about your children. It cares about itself and the money addicted among us who ensure its retention and economic entropy.

Parents, you are needed as raw materials for your bosses, their bosses, their bosses bosses, that they may have bigger boats, that third mistress, and the latest Mercedes.

Our society developed to separate kids from their parents to free up parents to be slaves against their wishes. Most psychologically healthy parents want to spend time with their kids; as much time as possible. For it is through our children that we might pass on our souls and through no other means.

Wise parents understand this and do all they can to protect their children from this system of enslavement. Parents too caught-up in Superbowl drama, their next 12 pack, that bigger house they've always wanted, and the lines of this year's F-150 are content to release their children to the grinder that has become our "civilized" society.

Parents who hover want to spend every living moment with our kids, taking every opportunity to provide them the kind of brutally honest insight that you only give to people you truly care about. Parents should care deeply about their kids and let that be reflected in their decisions and actions, because the reality is that parents are the least self interested with respect to their kids, people are all self interested, and bosses, university administrators, teachers, and merchants will not take the time to educate your kids as to the perils of their own creation; credit cards, poisonous junk food, a brain full of useless information from television, or false beliefs that sacrifices made in this life are somehow magically rewarded in a next.

How many parents out there would gladly trade a hefty chunk of their retirement to rewind the clock and spend more time with their kids during those precious early years?

I like your post, although if people have more in their retirement than they have invested in their kids they never had a conscience to begin with, so I doubt they are asking any deep questions of themselves.

I completely disagree with this article. Helicopter parenting is the polar opposte of neglect, although helicopter parenting is not perfect, studies have shown that children of helicopter parents do better (have better study habits and as a result get better grades) in college than others especially during the acclimating freshman year. Of course, we could ideally all be the "perfect" parents, but helicopter parenting is definitely the better of its polar opposite.

Never did they mention you should neglect your children because it's "better" -_- They didn't go from one extreme to the other, they're just looking at one extreme. Of course child neglect is awful- how is that not self-evident?

The poster who thinks he's doing this to secure his retirement - oy - your kids won't be able to provide for you if they don't know how to think for themselves; succeed on their own or fail on their own.

Caring parents bring out the worst of their kids? Maybe this describes a very small percentage, but why write an article saying that about all caring parents? I would hate to see this world when these professors get what they wish for. Forget about the few bad experiences you've had and be grateful for the helicopter parents that helped their kid make his way down the right path! You act like kids are totally mature and know exactly what to do. Well, they are not and they don't! They should be able to rely on the wisdom of their parents and will get pushed out of the nest when they are ready! And they all have different "maturity" dates. There is no magical day on their 18th birthday that makes them mature.

Please, please, please, do not send your kid to college if you feel you still have to helicopter parent them at age 18. Just give them a gap year or keep them at home or WHATEVER, but for the love of God, do not send them to college. That goes for all of you self-righteous helicopter parents who love to defend your delusional parenting tactics.

In High School, we had channel one advertising sugar and sodium packed snacks in the classroom. Refined sugar and high salt quantities adversely influence cognitive outcomes.

Yet, we were put in a box with Channel One and their snack commercials.

In hindsight, I imagine being put in a box with a tiger. I can't decide which would be more dangerous given what Dr. Lustig illustrates in "Sugar, The Bitter Truth."

So, if someone else is responsible for coaching your children, will it be Channel One? How would a parent ever really know? Video feeds in the classroom? What's next? Remote control hugs?

The point is - kids thrive with the right kind of inputs whether they are coming from parents or not. Parents, if given the resources and opportunity, are most easily motivated to instruct their children wisely.

Submitted by Response to John Dale's Sugar Comment on February 6, 2014 - 7:39am

Dude - are you a therapist or a self-justifying helicopter parent.

No where in the article does it say in your home you shouldn't enforce your rules and your values. But when you child is 24 and in law school are you going to TELL your child which cereal to choose OR expect your 18 years of direct parenting to speak for itself and your 24 year old will choose wisely?

That's the difference between a parent who expects their children to become adults vs. parents who want their children co-dependent on them lest they try frosted flakes once.

A toddler shouldn't be choosing their cereal at the store or in the home; as kids age their choices should increase but still if you are morally opposed to sugar (not saying that's wrong btw) then you don't allow it in your house and teach your kids to make healthy choices. Your kid could visit my home and be given the choice - without you there to "coach" your child how will they know what they want?

Submitted by Child of a helicopter parent on February 6, 2014 - 8:06am

It took me a decade after high school but I figured it out - I cut the cord because darling mommy and daddy couldn't.

I no longer to speak to either of them. I'm 30 - if every conversation is going to be about how they need to fix me; tell me what to do (covertly or overtly) then they can tell it to a wall.

They have money - but I have self respect by doing things on my own, my way as an adult.

I finished my masters; make a good living; bought my home without any help from them. I'm sure that makes a lot of helicopter parents nervous - I made my own choices; I made my own mistakes and I live my life the way I want - I wear all black some days and I don't wear make up (shock and horror).

I really enjoyed your article Hara. It is so common for parents to be overly involved in the lives of their young adult children. I really see the effects and impact of such family patterns have on young adults around the country. This "over parenting" leads many young adults to experience 1) increased self doubt 2) procrastination, 3) overachieving, 4) perfectionism, 5) rebellion, 6) not having the tools or experience to think things through, make decisions, face the consequences and be resilient, 7) or expecting others to take responsibility for solving their challenges. The game of life can have its fair share of challenges and if young adults don't have the tools or guidance needed to fall down and pick themselves up, it is going to be tough road ahead.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts as this conversation is an important one for us to have in this day and age. Best, Andrea

The overinvolvement of helicopter parents prevents children from learning how to grapple with disappointments on their own. If parents are navigating every minor situation for their kids, kids never learn to deal with conflict on their own. Helicopter parenting has caused these kids to crash land.

College students who experienced helicopter-parenting reported higher levels of depression and use of antidepressant medications. The researchers suggest that intrusive parenting interferes with the development of autonomy and competence. Helicopter parenting leads to increased dependence and decreased ability to complete tasks without supervision. Constant advice or help is emotionally and psychologically crippling.

There are many forces at work to separate parents and their children .. children are born into a system that views them as resources, as capital.

Yes, "over" parenting may be a bad thing, but is it really even definable? But once we have a hammer, everything becomes a nail, and the "over parenting parent" label can be used inappropriately, so let's not get into the word game.

Good parents want life long relationships with their kids. Most parents are forced to separate from their children, their children are hauled away to be subjected to a whole litany of questionable and unpredictable influences. Let's not pretend that public schools or universities are capable of producing reliable and reproducible results.

I contend that focused parental care and attention for children coupled with stern reinforcement of boundaries will result in children of character, and that our system encourages parents to forgo their duties and hand the responsibility over to the State, which fails to graduate a huge percentage from a high school level and produces a steady stream of drop outs and convicts.

So, what changes between high school and college? If kids have come up in a public k-12 school system, they'll believe that processed foods and foods high in sugar are good and normal when Dr. Lustig has proved the connection between sugar, mental sloth, obesity, diabetes and other diseases.

I'll leave the reader with this - lifelong strategic partnerships with experienced family members (notably parents) increases the probability of survival. It always has .. always will. But yes, there are some bad parents, but let's be careful not to confuse "bad parents" with "strategically involved and committed family member". Throwing parents in this group makes me think of one of my favorite quotes - "The only thing worse than prophesy is self fulfilling prophesy."

We are feeling the effects of helicopter parenting by not being allowed to be actively involved in our grandchildren's lives. They do not come to our home and our visits are controlled and limited. They have never ridden with us in a car and we rarely go anywhere together. We respect the fact that we are in a subsidary role and not part of the parenting process. We would just like to spend some time with our grandchildren.

Who cares what the parents do, teachers in America have failed there students anyway. American schools trail far behind other nations and this is not a "new" phenomenon either. Most students can't find there own country on a map even in grad school, and off coarse all the teachers do is bitch about is higher salaries. America is finished as a world leader and the education system is to blame for it.

Ohh and for the teachers in the comments above whining about parents and how they comport themselves. Teachers themselves are the biggest buntch of deviants to roam gods green earth. On my frequent trips to the Caribbean islands half the women I encounter are teachers there as sex tourists. But that's a topic for another day.

I think an issue here is "what is the difference between helicopter parenting and present parenting?" Most kids have way too little present parenting. The parents are rarely present physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Present parenting is what kids really need. A truly present parent understands when to interfere and when to back off.
Sometimes present parenting can overlap with helicopter parenting. That is where parenting becomes non-helpful. Helicopter parenting is hovering at times when the kid should be working things out for him/herself and usually involves the parents' own dreams and insecurities getting twisted into their child's.
The way you give advice versus allowing kids to figure things out for themselves is age-appropriate. Most people understand nothing about what goes on differently between age 3 and age 6 and age 9 and age 13 and age 16, etc. Most kids need lots and lots of present parenting up until the age of 18, (obviously with each age being different). Age 18 is when they should then be nurtured enough to be given a lot of free space and new challenges and the parent becomes more of a "present consultant".
The undergraduate college application process and tuition assistance process has become so absurd I do think most kids need help with it. It was so absurd that I needed help with it.
By age 21, the kid should be pretty much ready to tackle life on his/her own. This does not mean that they still do not use the parents as consults and perhaps even live at home for awhile with their own responsibilities, but butting in over grad school and adult job interviews is over the top.

More parents and even teachers need to research what kids are truly capable of handling at each age. It seems that kids these days are expected to handle way too much on their own up until the age of 15, where then a lot of parents suddenly want to hover.

What's with the "present parenting"? I don't understand that any more than I understand what helicopter parents think they're trying to accomplish other than being selfish jerks with no identity of their own. Our parents were too busy working to hover; maybe that's why many of our generation went overboard into helicoptering--we're trying to give our kids what we craved but never got. Anyway, after age 18, your role should be more of an advisor than a parent. You're not their best friend, but you can steer them in the right direction. Kids need to be free to make stupid mistakes, and if they're on a college campus then that's a relatively safe place to make those stupid mistakes. We survived and we probably did things they could only dream about. You have to let them fail. Last year when my daughter was a senior, she decided she didn't want to get up for school for her first period class. Okay, fine. She was 18 and insisted she was an adult...so I let her be one. Didn't say a word until the day she called me at work in hysterics because she wasn't going to be allowed to march at graduation--she missed 63 days of her first period class. Oh well, sweetie, deal with it. And she learned from that. She's a 19 year old freshman in college now and her attitude is much different. Truth be told, I like not knowing what she's doing every minute of every day. Her attendance and her grades are her responsibility, not mine. I don't ask if she makes it to class. I don't ask about her grades. I just ask how her classes are going. I don't ask about her personal life although we've always been able to discuss that freely, so she does talk about it quite a bit. And a funny thing has happened. She came home this weekend and already the change is a little shocking. She actually cleaned up after herself without me having to ask. She texted me to tell me where she was and who she was with...without me having to ask. She didn't come home with a pile of laundry. She said she did it before she came home and it was all clean. Amazing. She says time management is still a problem, but she's learning. I do admit that I did help with the financial aid stuff, but she did everything else--applications, paid the fees on her own, wrote the essays, applied for scholarships, set up appointments, etc.