You Guys Say Some Nasty Stuff

You’re at the pool, enjoying a few cold ones & uninhibited—we get that. Still, some things should be kept at home. on second thought, never mind.

As your resident party girl, there was no way I was going to miss HereDG’s annual pool party! And as your resident gossip and rabble rouser, I couldn’t resist eavesdropping on some of the conversations there. Here is my summary of the best (and worst) things that I heard others saying. As I’m an equal opportunity gossip, these paraphrased quotes came from both foreigners and Chinese—and both men and women. Enjoy!

Not long after entering the party, I heard a group of shirtless, overweight men—naturally, their sweaty, protruding bellies were proudly on display—commenting on a group of overweight women in bathing suits: “Why don’t they cover up, nobody wants to look at that!”

A short while later, I ended up hearing the same group of women commenting on some much slenderer girls also in bikinis: “They should show some modesty, not dress like they’re ready to throw themselves at the first available guy.”

Humorously enough, one woman from that same group quickly declared: “Hell, I’d throw myself at the first available guy, where is he?”

A little while later, I overheard a guy buying meal tickets: “How many tickets do I get for 100 RMB?” “You get ten tickets,” the worker offered. The man wasn’t satisfied, “So how much is each ticket worth?”

Moseying along, I soon overheard one woman talking to another. She was communicating what she obviously considered fresh, shocking gossip: “Did you hear that Lilly is pregnant?” The other person’s response: “Lilly had her baby two months ago.”

Moseying along, I soon overheard one woman talking to another. She was communicating what she obviously considered fresh, shocking gossip: “Did you hear that Lilly is pregnant?” The other person’s response: “Lilly had her baby two months ago.”

It was a hot day, so I took a dip in the pool with my girls. There, I heard a mother tell her son, “Don’t pee in the pool, other people have to swim here!” The kid, with a big smile on his face, replied “Too late!”

After a while, I was tired of swimming. As I was exiting, I noticed a father with his young son and daughter gawking at two women walking by in cut-off tank tops and bikini bottoms. “Pussy” was proudly written on the front of the shirts. The daughter innocently asked, “Daddy, what does ‘pussy’ mean?”

The know-it-all son had an answer: “It means a cat!”

“So right, and yet, so wrong,” the father replied.

Later in the evening, a couple was watching as one of the party attendees asked his girlfriend to come up onstage and then proposed to her in front of everyone.

The man watching asked, “How would you react if I did that?” The woman excitedly replied, “Are you asking me to marry you!?!”

The man answered (with a clear mixt of fear and regret obvious on his face): “No, no…I’m not! Hey…I’m going to go get a drink, you want something?” No word on if the ring was secretly stashed at the drink stall.

Another pair of girls nearby also had some choice thoughts on the matter. “I’d kick a guy in the balls if he put me on the spot like that in public!” one of them said.

“Maybe that’s one of the reasons you’re single?” the other shot back.

Continuing my walk around the pool, I heard one guy talking to a group of people he’d obviously just met: “Hey, do any of you know where I can get a dog? I really want a dog.”

One good Samaritan answered, “I have a dog that just had puppies, I could sell you one.”

“Oh, I don’t want to pay for it,” the man explained, “I’ll only be keeping it for a few months, then I’m going home.”

The dog lover angrily interjected, “What will happen to the dog then?”

The man then gave a response deserving of above-mentioned kick-to-the-balls: “That’s not my problem, is it?”

Off to the side, a man tells his friend who’s obviously intoxicated and having difficulty walking straight, “Hey, dude, you’re really drunk!”

The wasted companion indignantly responded: “I’m not drunk!” Immediately after, he fell down and vomited into some bushes. “I’m not drunk! I just have the flu!” he said, defending his sloppy demeanor.

Quickly avoiding the flu patient who had too much to drink, I came upon a group of drunk young guys who were focused on fascinating debate.

“I did!” “No, you didn’t!” “I did!” “No way! No ****ing way!” “I did, too!” “No, you didn’t! Did you?” “I’m telling you, I did!” “No way, he never did that!” This went on, with pretty much the same comments being repeated for at least five minutes. I never discovered exactly what it was that he had or had not done.

Still, the most frequent comment I heard of all (in variations on the same theme): “There’s a lot more booty on display this year!” And there was. Did you see me?