PRACTICE

Limit setting

Beverley Sutton

The use of limits is essential to prepare a child
for the reality of life. Parents should encourage a child to work out
his own solutions to problems posed by a limit, and give him
understanding and guidance in finding alternative behaviour. Limit
setting is involved in the weaning process, toilet training, sexual
expression and gratification, excessive dependency and independence, and
aggressive impulses that exploit others.

Setting limits
Limits have value in that they “

help the infant establish identity apart from
his surroundings;

provide control for external stimuli as well as
internal tensions and feelings;

stimulate the urge toward mastery of functions
normal to a developmental period;

develop character through identification with
the fair use of strength and firmness of the parents and

promote personality development in areas such as
values, standards, and conscience formation.

People who try to make things easy for children by
not limiting their actions may produce children who are slaves to their
own impulses, and they then have to test each situation anew to find
limits and controls. True choice is a fatiguing process and the
experience on which a child bases his choice is often insufficient, thus
the child must depend on adults to teach him discipline and shortcuts
for the formation of good habits.

Punishment
Punitiveness as an adult attitude, on the other hand, is one in which
there is consistent and excessive ventilation of personal aggressions on
the child and this is sometimes confused with discipline. In some
cultures the parents may feel that in order to correctly rear a child it
is necessary to hurt him. Henry IV in his letter to his son's tutor
stated that it had come to his attention that the child had not been
spanked and that from personal experience he knew it was necessary to
spank them frequently in order to correctly rear children. The French
are sometimes referred to as the most spanking people on earth and their
word "fuesseur" comes from this. A child's response to punitiveness is
usually some combination of the following: 1) behaviour that invites
punishment; 2) longing for retaliation which may or may not be directly
expressed; and 3) self-judgement. In the pre-school years children
occasionally need punishment such as spanking to condition them against
potential physical danger that may be very traumatic - such as busy
streets. Except for these relatively rare occasions, children respond
better to limits that are firm but not punitive. Such limits can be
enforced by a temporary isolation from the group, taking away a
privilege, or giving extra work to make restitution.

Inducing guilt-feelings
One very subtle form of punitiveness is the deliberate stimulation of
the child's guilt feelings or feelings of worthlessness, by saying such
things as "Aren't you ashamed? Are you so dumb that you can't understand
this?"

The ideal attitude balance between a parent and
child is defined as a situation of mutual respect. The mutual respect
balance exists when each person is respected in his right to achieve the
masteries and pursue the satisfactions of a particular developmental
level, until that pursuit infringes upon the rights of another person to
do the same. At the point of infringement limits are set which are
sufficiently firm to insure the rights of each person on an on-going
basis. According to the Johnson-Czurek equation, children will live up
to the expectations of others to their biological capacity.

Infringements
The following are some common limit infringements:

Over-submission: the adult gives in to the
child's immature demands without sufficient regard for his own rights
and needs. The child will then usually be excessively demanding, have
temper outbursts when his demands are not met, and have little
consideration for others.

Over-coercion: the adult directs and
redirects the child's activity without regard for the child's right to
initiate and pursue his own interests and activities. The child will
usually show undue reliance on outside directions, dawdle, forget,
day-dream, and present active or passive resistance

Perfectionism: parent withholds acceptance
of the child's behaviour, expecting the child to be more mature than can
be comfortably achieved at the child's developmental level. This child
will usually be striving, preoccupied with physical, intellectual, and
social accomplishments, and because of the discrepancy between
expectations and abilities at that developmental level, will often feel
a low self-esteem.

Neglect: parents or adults who have little
time for consideration of the child's right for attention and assistance
at each level of development. The child will usually be incapable of
forming close, meaningful relationships or to get satisfaction from
them. He may be impulsive, and because of his lack of close
relationships fail to learn self-control through this relationship.

Hypochondriasis: the adult is consistently
fixing attention on the functions of the child's body and judging each
minor ailment and sensation with a great deal of exaggerated anxiety.
The child will tend to be excessively complaining and anxious about all
body sensations.

Over-indulgence: adults constantly
showering a child with goods and services irrespective of a child's
needs, will produce a response of boredom, lack of initiative or
capacity for persistent efforts.

Distrust: if an adult anticipates failure
or inadequacy on the child's part, the child will fulfil this
anticipation to his biological capacity.

Rejection: an adult who allows no
acceptance of a child within a group will produce bitter, hostile,
anxious feelings in the child with low self-esteem.

Punitiveness: adults who excessively
inflict personal aggressions on a child thinking this represents
'discipline' will produce behaviour in a child that invites punishment,
longing for retaliation and low self-esteem.

Seductiveness: adults who consciously or
unconsciously stimulate the child's sexual feelings will produce a child
who is prematurely and excessively preoccupied with sex, hostility and
guilt.

Multiple infringements
Children are resilient and can absorb some infringements without
manifesting symptoms. And most adults are flexible enough to correct
themselves if the relationship deviates from a mutual respect. However,
the infringements discussed above rarely occur singly, and two or more
may be operating in the same relationship producing compound symptoms in
a child. It is very necessary to correct these relationship imbalances
for the sake of the mental health of the members involved. As the child
grows into adulthood he will become a parent himself, and will tend to
repeat the adult-child reactions he experienced in his own childhood.

Written by Dr Beverly Sutton, while Director of the
Children's Psychiatric Unit, Austin State Hospital, Texas. From
Child Care Work in Focus copyright Academy for Child and Youth Care
Practice.

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