My Poet-Lariat, the KNOWER OF THINGS, has beaten me to the 200th post, but it is well. Only he could take the stead of the King in such a circumstance.

I am pleased to see that my Mentor, HLW, has decided to grace us with his Wisdom. This is a rare treat! Catters, I do not think you realize the import of his posting. He has never posted anything on any web site before, and he chooses to make his First Post at the

Your Mentor, El Roth Wigglebard, has said a certain number of true things with a wit and invcisiveness that is rarely seen outside of the dryers row at beauty parlors across the land.

While I cannot grant him as much merit as you do, I will grant him his meretriciousness, indeed. Such wisdom as I have not seen in all my post-grade-school days is laid before my eyes here on a Mudcat thread. How unlikely, unseemly, untimely, nay, dare I say indigestible??!!

You are truly fortunate to have found so precious a rapscallion with whom to entrust your future; It guarantees a long series of surprising returns, most of them to square One. I have never seen his like as a simalucrum of genuine verbosity. He is the very soul of width, if not depth, and you should count yourself lucky to have found him as a mentor so that he does not have to work at the Post Office in the Dead Letters department, as an aspiring author.

I can only conjecture that humanity is better off left to its own devices.

What is all this stuff? Why is it allowed? Are there no rules here? Are there no moderators to maintain control?

Whilst surfing the web this evening, I decided to seek out an old friend whom I knew a few lifetimes ago. So I went to Google and type in Harry Lee Wigley. Imagine my surprise that the only link regarding him led me here, where he is belittled by one called "AMOS", which, in our language means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

I met Mr. Wigley in each one of my lifetimes and, in each, I found him to be a man of unimpeached character. His words have carried me through the web-spinning toad worlds many times.

He is a man ofsuperlative wisdom and grace.

How can the management of this place allow such blasphemy to spew freely without censoring the "toads" who dare speak it?

If Elf-Round Wigglehard's character has been so long unimpeached, it is only because he has been so successful at occluding it from the public eye.There are many such on this plane, who would be impeached instanter if their true nature were but understood by the voting public.

It is likely that he returns to you each lifetime, time after time, only because of unfinished business -- probably a dastardly and perverted desire on his part having to do with electronic affirmations.

Until you face the truth, he will be clinging to you like an unwashed dingleberry through the millenia no matter how lofty the identity you acquire. All I can do, having given you due warning of what it is in which you are truly enmired, is to wish you luck with it. If y7ou wish to arrange for a personal, highly effective and highly expensive exorcism, contact me by personal messenger.

And by the way, where did you get the knighthood, Ralphie? You wasn't tagging it onto your moniker the last time I caught you pulling confidence scams in Monaco. Find it in a cereal box, didja?

I learned eons ago to never respond to one whose name means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

Mr. Wigley has had detractors for centuries. They have passed; Mr. Wigley has remained.

One hundred years from now, the toad shall no longer be here. Mr. Wigley shall.

Rant, rave, ye heathen toads! You words are empty, like clouds without water. You are but an ephemera. A vapor. A gnat flying around the anus of a Giant.

Sorry, Ralphie -- did I blow your cover with da mark? Shucks, 's only fair -- you remember the Contessa? That plane ticket to Marseilles I bought ya? Ya know even Bell-Bong Hobart knows that what goes around comes around, there, big boy. Never mind, you'll get another mark. I can see you've been practicing them big words, and it'd be a shame to waste all that eddification -- ya wanna try a deal I got cooking over in Cambridge? Some snooty Brit blueblood, betcha she's loaded.

Mum's da woid,

(Sir) Muzzy

(BTW, I don't think there's such a thing as a cloud widdout water Ralphie -- how many times do I gots ta tell yer, do yer homework. It'll save ya a lot of embarrasink moments.)

My, my! The MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS brings them crawling outta the woodwork!

And, you, dear Jessup, the honorary Minister of Golden-Tongued Double Talk, you are doing well in your position!

BTW, methinks there is a reference to "clouds without water" in the New Testament. And since clouds are made of water then clouds without water must be nothing at all!

I do welcome Sir Harold ( who did not recieve his knighthood from the King of Mississippi) to the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS! The more, the BSier!

I have noticed that this thread is slowing creeping up on our "cross-thread", "Happy Birthday, Spaw". HAW HAW HAW!!!

Have any of you considered cheese today? Or, did Mother's Day take your minds off it?

I have treated myself with a re-watching of "Little Big Man" to honor my mother, who has never seen the movie. She still has not seen it, because she lives 100 miles from me. Nonetheless, Happy Mother's Day, Maw!!

Well I splained about yerself being the King of al l Mississippi and she kinda wondered why it hadn't made the newspapers, but she chalked that up to rural lag, news traveling slowly. Last I heard she had dropped the phone and was running for the door yelling "Dorie!! Dor-IEEWEE!! You'll NEVAH GUESS what mah boy has done!!!". Then I heard the screen door slam. Then there was a snuffling and slurping sound -- kinda like a dog makes when he pokes you in the ear, ya know?-- and what sounded like teeth on Bakelite, and the connection got cut off. But I reckon she was purdy happy. I'm glad she has a big dog, though...

I had a vision.It was of the Mother Queen floating on a waterless cloud. (No, not you Carol, but the other, Mother Queen) She was surrounded by fruit and frock-less men. She held high a sceptre in one hand and was scatching her butt with the other. I could tell she was pleased. Her smile emanated a superior embrace around the Kingdom of Kandu. She pushed aside her frock-less grape feeding, servile yeoman, and rose from her white porcelain throne and she spoke.She said, "Son, call home."

My interpretation of my vision; King Kandu-if you don't call your mamma, you gonna get a butt whoopin'.

I completely disagree with all the foregoing! It is obvious that the 'Cat has been taken over by leftist neoconservatives who couldn't carry a tune without splitting it into upper and lower registers. You will all be devoured by Moloch, probably covered with catsup and mustard, as soon as Iraq settles the PELs issue with Hull9!

I thought that this was about Bill Shatner's mother. I'm disappointed.

Me too, Amos. He did that picture himself. And, proud mother that I am, I'm also going to brag a little about the fact that he has recently finished filming his first feature length film, which he intends to enter into the Sundance film festival as well as some other film festivals.

So am I, Rapaire! This forum has no respect at all for William Shatner (with the exception of a few enlightened individuals like Khandu and Little Hawk). It's disgusting! I would roll in Bill's toenail clippings if I had the chance to.

That's exactly the kind of thing Bill would go out of his way to arrange, especially if they were hoof-trim instead!! I assure you, your dreams CAN be realized; Khandu has an inside line on which he supports, facilitates, nay encourages this sort of obsessive obscenity. I commend you to his good graces and arguable competence.

As you can see, I am not a member of your, purportedly, folk music forum. I am, in fact, the wife of one of your members - a fellow who calls himself "Bee-dubya-ell". I am posting here to ask you to please release my poor husband from the peculiar power that this particular thread, "The Mother of All BS Threads" seems to exert over him.

It all began about a week ago when I began to hear keystrokes and chuckles coming from the other room. Within a few nights the chuckles had been replaced by sounds similar to those emitted by a braying jackass. Then, just a couple of nights ago, I heard an uproar and went to investigate, only to find that my poor husband had flung open the front door and was rolling in the leaf litter while laughing uncontrollably. Well, at that point, I made him show me this particular thread and I must admit to having read the first hundred or so posts. However, I absolutely fail to see what the attraction is. Some wacko from Tupelo pretending to be a king. A fellow Hoosier who unmercifully slaughters the English language. A Canadian who worships William Shatner. A San Diegan that only William F. Buckley could understand. And what in the hell is a Spaw? The only participant who seems to have any sense is Artbrooks who, incidentally, is the only one whom I have actually met in the flesh.

Even after reading this exercise in extended drivel I was willing to just accept that my husband's apparent fixation on this thread is relatively harmless... until last night. My poor husband came to bed at about two o'clock in the morning with an idiot grin on his face and immediately fell asleep. Within minutes he began to have nightmares and cry out in his sleep, "Buzzards! Porta-potties! Ducks! Coots! Sea gulls! Armadillos! Walmart! Lariat! Idjit! Bullshit!". I tried to wake him, but to no avail. I shook him vigorously only to have him mutter, "Nor of things!" or something like that.

People, I am at the end of my rope. I am afraid that if this behavior on the part of my once normal husband does not cease I may be forced to take drastic action. I noticed from what I did read of this thread that some forum members have apparently found cures for their bizarre behaviors at someplace called the NYCFTTS, whatever that stands for. If you think my husband could benefit from a brief stay there, please send details.

I hab read yore epistol wif great chagrin and wuld like to extent my utmost symphonies to you. My sweet wiff habv also noticed my own eclectric behabiour obv late and haz taken to sitting in front of a fine fountain/buzzard trough thet me and the daughter got her from Big Lotts. She no longer worries about the habf eaten plates of food and other lidder accumulatle at the computee deks but only passes by and I heer a liddle "hheeeeee" sound to come from her, but it iz sort of from down inside summwhar and not at all natchl sounding thez days.

At least she semes farly happy watching the buzzards wash they butts in her new fountain and iz mos' serene now. Mebbe the Royal Pomade Lariat culd find a smimilar objay dart at a BigfLott's near yore place. Ef not I wuld by happy to check ar store heer and see ef thar may be one left wif most ob the peces in the box. Feal free to PM me ef thar iz anything I may do.

Fafefully Yers, TweedF.K.O.T.R.O.T.A.A.T.G.A.P.A.E (Former Knight of the Realm of Tupelo and All Things Good and Pure and Ethereal)

Ya know, ya prolly think it looks purdy bad, but just think iffen it was worse!!! Why you could be married to that conniving confidence trickster Sir Harold of the PEruvian Harolds. Worse, you could have sacrificed your precious validity to that hot-air specialist Bell Bong Bigward, the transparent master of all things transparent, the Incarnation of Emptiness Personified. How would that be, then? You'd be suffering considerable more than just listening to a good ole boy like BWL chortle some from time to time, even in the leaf leavings.

Tweed, you are a sorry excuse for a man. I thought I should be the first to tell you. This thread, however, has enough latitude to allow room for even you and your ilk (another word Khandu adores...), so I suppose there's little that can be done about it...

My condolences, Madam. I'm surprised you are still even lucid after an experience like that.

Penelope! O beauteous one, how are you doing? Or to put it in Canadian terms... "How's it goin', eh?" It's always a thrill to read your posts, knowing that they are penned (in a manner of speaking) by what is undoutedly the fairest hand in all of fair England! If it were not for my ongoing pursuit of Winona Ryder, I would purchase air fare to the UK and seek you out, and risk all! (sigh)

Liddle Harg, yore enemation fore the mysterious debusoir, Mz.Pene iz mos disconsettling. Imagine, ef yore horndog brain can, whut the grate singer and acknolegd master lesbian Bill Shitner wuld do ef he wooed this gal and it turned out that it wabez in actualnes the insane and multi-cookied khing KhrispyKhreme ob Mizippi hizzelf! The khning iz a trickster and very ancient indeeb. Rustic Rebel posted a relickt's photo ob him beating hiz own ballsack like a baldrumm or some likewiz Irish percushion thing. Put aside these bass Canadian instincts and smell the bait can.

My advice iz to go and get az many one dollar bills (wif Washington on 'em ef possible) and head for the local topless joint, swill a few Molson's or Toby's or O'keefe's and tuck some bucks til you are sure ob what a gal's plumbing iz post to look like. I think you wil find thar iz much disparity between the poseur, "Mz.RootLegge" and that obv Brandy, Sandi,Candi, or Mandi's.

I habv warned you az enny fellow Mudcat would do az I am allus focussed on becoming a Good, Pure and Ethereal Mudcatter, in spite ob this Mother of All BS thread which has taken me over obv late.

I hab found, az apparently pore Spaw haz that you can leed a Harg to water but you can't mek him drink. I hope it's not too late for him and thet the sequinned-benecked Mme.Butterledge habv not convoluted him so az he iz unfit fore habving normal relatives wif normal wimmenz, who hab not got extended adam's appells. Try to intercede on hiz behalv even though you are no longer a publick sort of Queen and habv renounced yore legalcy. From this point on I will consort wif you only in regardz to what sorta accordina to obtain an' respect yore abniction ob the Royale Whitehall throne az I now beleive iz yore utmost hope.

I don't know what could be wrong with him Tweed. It must be the really long, hard winter they had in Ontario this year. Cabin fever or failing eyesight or something. Maybe Ms Rutledge reminds him of Bob Dylan.

Accordin' to my calculations the Boberdz has not posted to this thread since 10:09 PM (MCT) on May 5th. Almost an entire week ago! Now, I understan' thet th' boy iz workin' reel hard tryin' t' git his piece of crap Spartanette trailer in good runnin' order so az t' impress the unwary citizenry of Mississipi with its, errr.... ummmmm.... whatever impresses a Mississippian. But, hey, this thread is MCHITM (Mudcat History in th' Makin'). Ya jus' can't ignore MCHITM on account of dumb things like work or fixin' up a trailer or eatin' or sleepin'. Git widdit, Bobert! Post sum BS! We know you ain't run out of it.

Helloooo all! I am pleased to see how many of you have joined in today! Because of you the...MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS lives and breathes!

Now, Miss Bee, you actually know artbrooks! In the flesh! Well, well well, are you taking the grand opportunity presented to you? Or, could it be, since you have not read the whole MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS, that you do not know that he, artbrooks, is the Royal Bidet for Everyone?

He is! So, carpe diem!!!

I am certain that after a good, thorough washing, you will feel differently about the whole pastrami! You might well want to go back and read the entire thread and actually find yourself in complete harmony with bee-dubya-ell, the KNOWER OF THINGS!

Hears whut Ah hab cum to udderstain about all uv yew. Amus dont talk like nun uv yew, he must be frum summerselse. He prolly hab a gudd haid on his sholder but hit dont make noe difrunce how smart he is ifn he dont make noe cents.

bee duyell uset to talk funy but then he gotto talkin rite, Ah udderstain him almoss as gudd as tweeb.

King Kandyass must not be frum enywhur Ah ever heered uv caws he is not ferzakerly rapped too-tite an his dough dint git all the way dun.

Spaw? Not thet is a stranjun! Is he whut yew call hughmen? He is sorda like Kingkantankerous, his elervader dont go all the way up

Carol Crapper the Saller C gurl, whut kinda name iz thet? She gotsta be one uv them farerners to, and she drives them Honder Accordeons?

Rusty Rebel iz alot like me, old and rusty but crusty. Ah thank Ah like her. Iz she maired?

Thairs jest to minny uv yew to talk about, but Ah iz hairpie thet Ah fount this tread I have lernt alot and this tread makes alot uv sense to me, but thet mey be jist caws Ah is one of the smart Knauses

To change the subject for a moment or two, I'd like to put forth some questions to you. Things that I ponder, things I don't know, answers I need, to help my mind flow.

1. Do blind people dream in color?2. Is there still fish-fuck in the water, when it goes through a filter?3. Do people who have cats also have hairballs in their stomachs?4. Do accordian players actually get paid for playing?5. If you pulled the wings off a fly, would it be called a walk?6. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?7. Could it really be true what Tweed said about Khandu and Tanuki being one and the same? (You are a tricky one, oh King!)

*Note* I will not be offended if I recieve no answers, I actually wouldn't blame a soul if this post went completely unnoticed, forgotten, rejected,and/or deleted.P-L Rustic

Rustic Rebel,PURVEYOR OF BEAUTY AND POETESS-LARIAT The King would never allow any of your post to go ignored if he can help it!

Now, as to the q&a: 1. Do blind people dream in color?

Only if they have been reading the closed-captions on a color TV 2. Is there still fish-fuck in the water, when it goes through a filter?

Fish-fuck is still there...in fact, it is like Santa Clause, it is everywhere. 3. Do people who have cats also have hairballs in their stomachs?

Only if they enjoy fried cat (which is quite tasty!) 4. Do accordian players actually get paid for playing?

Do you call what they do with an accordian "playing"? 5. If you pulled the wings off a fly, would it be called a walk?

Yes, I know from personal experience, I had a house full of walks when I was a wee child. 6. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Vegetarians are not sane, therefore, they may eat what they wish and not be held accountable. 7. Could it really be true what Tweed said about Khandu and Tanuki being one and the same? (You are a tricky one, oh King!)

There is more to be considered and less to be assumed.

Of course, it would be best to ask bee-dubya-ell, for he is the KNOWER OF THINGS

The cummulative total number of posts to the "Happy Birthday, Spaw" thread and "The Mother of All BS Threads" has now reached or exceeded 500 posts. Way to go, whackos! Truly a milestone in the anals of bullshit! Now let's give 'em our cheer!

Whatta we want?BULLSHIT Whatta we need?BULLSHIT Whatta we got?BULLSHIT Whatter we full of?BULLSHIT

Bruce or any of them other names you wanna call me by but just don't call me late for dinner.

Tweed, I do not fantasize about Lieutenant O'Hara, whoever the hell that is...!

I do fantasize over Winona Ryder, Penelope Rutledge, Diana Rigg, Tammy (the dispatcher at the local Ontario Provincial Police station), Amy (the waitress at a certain Ontario coffeehouse), and various other females... all of whom have certain excellent points in common. Were I to list them, it would go on for quite a long time, so I won't.

What is the nature of those fantasies? Come now, Tweed, you're a man aren't you? Think about it. Do you really need me to spell out this kind of thing for you? I don't think so. I'll give you a clue, though....I'm romantic, and I hate Frank Frazetta's art. I prefer women with real class, like the Elf ladies in Lord of the Rings...and they're not that easy to find in this braindead culture.

I even wrote a whole fantasy song about Winona, though...I'll send it to you sometime.

have you told Khandu, King of Etc., that you are harboring the girl known as Amy -- the one who left her soul dappled all over his brain? If not, you had better do so, or Orillia can surely look forward to an imminent invasion by the State of Mississippi. This being on the grounds that you are cultivatin wenches of mammary distraction...

Umm...I think that would be some other Amy, Amos. Got to be. Anyway, I'm not "harboring" Amy, I'm just a bit distracted by her.

Tweed has requested the lyrics I wrote in honour of Winona Ryder. Here they are:

﻿ Perfect World (Winona)

I could take you out tonight In a perfect world In the glow of the harbour lights In a perfect world We would be the best of friends To the limit, to the end And never fall out of love again Winona!

I could help you remove your boots In a perfect world Help you out of your parachute In a perfect world We could dance, baby, we could fly Pirouette across the sky Under the moonbeams you and I Winona!

In a perfect world you would be my girl...

I could hold your hand in mine In a perfect world I could pour you a glass of wine In a perfect world I could even bite your neck Hoist your sails and swab your deck Go out to dinner and write the check Winona!

I could have you by my side In a perfect world You could be my gypsy bride In a perfect world Under the spreading chestnut tree There on the clover we would be Together unto eternity Winona!

In a perfect world you would be my girl...

Then everything would be so fine In a perfect world I'd be yours and you'd be mine In a perfect world Everybody would be in love From the valley to the stars above But it's you I'd be thinkin' of Winona!

And What a movie we could make In a perfect world What a scene, baby, what a take In a perfect world Better than Bogart and Bacall Better than Brando ten feet tall Smokin' like a cannonball Winona!

In a perfect world you would be my girl... In my dreams it's a perfect world... And in a perfect world you would be my girl...

The song was written in the mid-90's, and Winona was in a lot of great movies at the time. The "bite your neck" line was inspired by seeing her in "Bram Stoker's Dracula". That and "Little Women" remain my all time favorite Winona movies. I'll watch practically anything if it's got Winona Ryder in it.

I do fantasize over Winona Ryder, Penelope Rutledge, Diana Rigg, Tammy (the dispatcher at the local Ontario Provincial Police station), Amy (the waitress at a certain Ontario coffeehouse), and various other females... all of whom have certain excellent points in common...."

Dere Hoss, The only thing thar iz in common wif yore examples iz that all but one of them iz wimmin wif the oblivus exception ob Mz.Penal Rankbottom who iz in reality the nefarimous khing khandar, or mebbe the legendary fiddler Oakley, I am not sure which just yet. Thar iz a Punch the Horse thread chock full ob BS that I read and it seams this Okee haz made some sort ob shrine to the harpy and hab displayed the abominable thing in a pig sty so you are not alone in yore temple ob maddness.

I don't know much about Frank Frazetta but I would never name a daughter of mine Frank so we are perdy much agreed wif that one. It does greive me though to heer ob yore incarsenation by the O.P.P. but it seems you found a fine gal while there so that iz only right. Hopefully she fed you all walleyes and no pickerls (which I waz nearly kilt from eating az they are full ob bones).

I will close for the nite senz it's late and I have yet to check the Ebay for Cajun-type accordeens which I enjoy looking at and iz my only vice since I've all but quit cigarettes and squandering cash on vintage Vampirella magazines.

It is obviously the same woman as in Khandu's song, and whille you are not harbopring her, given te INTENSITY of the impact she had on Khandu before he became King, as a result of a very unstable and shall I say FICKLE character, it would be wise to tell him honestly that you have her up in Canada/ He thinks she went to Mexico. He was powful upset and had a scheme to recover her by traveling via Ireland -- don't ask. Anyway, tell him you've got Amy in Canada.

Wear your MOPP suit.

Very best,

A

I didn't know you were Coventry material!! I got sent there recently, didn't see you there!! Maybe you were out opn an alias or sompn.