Who else has ever spent time after a breakup obsessing over what was wrong with their ex, asking yourself questions like:

Is he emotionally damaged from his previous relationship?

Does he love me but just not know how to express it?

Does he have a fear of commitment?

Is he afraid that I will hurt him?

Is he intimidated by my success?

Does he have intimacy issues?

Does he have mommy issues?

While these are all fine questions, they are not what your very fine self should be asking right now.

Why?

Because no matter how smart you are (and I have no doubt that you are one smart cookie), these questions just cannot be answered. Not by you, not by your friends, and certainly not by your therapist (whom you’ve probably been paying a massive amount of money wishing they would answer them for you.)

Might I suggest that you stop. Immediately.

Now, hear me out (before concluding that I don’t care about these most intimate issues). I do care. Just not about your ex.

What I care about is you. I care about you so much that I want you to stop asking yourself questions that you just simply cannot answer. The only person that will ever be able to answer said questions is your ex. This will not change (no matter how many hours you sit around in his sweatshirt eating Chunky Monkey ice cream).

If your ex did not tell you the answer to said questions before he dumped you, then the chances of you ever knowing the correct answers are very, very slim. (Which is not what you will be if you keep stuffing Chunky Monkey down your pretty face. Might I suggest you stop this immediately too.)

I’m sorry to disappoint you (and burst your psychoanalytical bubble), but in order for you to move on and be your badass self, you must stop asking yourself questions that you’re incapable of answering.

Breakups already make us crazy enough. Why drive yourself even more crazy searching for unattainable answers?

Give up now.

(Before you make everyone else around you crazy, too.)

Instead, ask yourself questions that you can answer. Use that psychoanalytical brain of yours for good, and psychoanalyze yourself instead. (Hint: It takes two to tango.)

Am I emotionally damaged from my previous relationship?

Did I love him but just not know how to express it?

Do I have a fear of commitment?

Am I afraid that I will get hurt?

Do I have intimacy issues?

Do I have mommy/daddy issues?

These are very broad questions, I know. But it’s a start. If this list of questions does not work for you, come up with your own. Just make sure the questions are ones that you can answer. Not questions that require your ex.

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About
Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn't Have To Be!" has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love -- the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want.
To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.

Comments

46103210 Responseshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F2013%2F01%2Fthis-is-why-your-ex-broke-up-with-you%2FThis+Is+Why+Your+Ex+Broke+Up+with+You.2013-01-30+15%3A57%3A48Ellen+Smoakhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F%3Fp%3D461032 to “This Is Why Your Ex Broke Up with You.”

[…] us from being able to freely receive. If we feel unworthy then we believe we have nothing to give; if we don’t love ourselves, then we don’t trust why someone would be kind to us. We fear that if someone gives without […]

If he cared he wouldnt treat u that way. U wouldnt have to ask him to treat u nicely. Its just stupid how we just hope he can love us but hey. People who love each other wont piss leave each other when their needed most. And ive been left just one two many times. I cnt believe i called that love

This is a great way to help with this sort of suffering but… My questions to me is, why wasn't I good enough to hear the truth from him? We had no major marital issues. Not known by anyone and especially each other during our 10 year relationship together. Why, why why is still and forever always, my question to me. Secretly knowing that you are terminally ill and then suddenly creating a bunch of very hurtful never ever even mentioned before reasons to try and justify why you "need" a divorce, is something that can never make any kind of real sense to me. Basically, never speaking to me again after this. ("pass the salt I want a divorce") I loved him very very much. What other good reasoning could there ever be for someone to not want to tell you the truth. Money? Not buying it. Spare me? Not sparing it! WHY couldn't he lie and just tell me that he didn't love me anymore, instead of lie about EVERYTHING else? More understandable at least is to fall out of love with someone? It is just as difficult to let go, when you can't even make up your own believable answers when you ask yourself the same any questions. He is gone now forever and answers can NEVER be. No amount of therapy needed just to know and accept that sometimes in life, god doesn't give us the answers we need for the things we can't understand.

The question the adult American, college education, motivated, awesome single woman needs to be asking is – Do I have control issues? I guess that might be intimacy, but the kind of man the awesome woman wants, doesn't want a woman who needs to be in control about everything.