Here we use only sustainable, organic and gluten-free seasonal jokes. Comedy, satire, sports, editor and occasional cooking tips writer, Alex Kaseberg. E-mail to - or if you need to hire a comedy writer - alex.kaseberg@gmail.com

Friday, May 24, 2002

Watch out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, those schnitzengrubbers can wear you out.

Defense Donald Rumseld announced today that the U.S. has no plans to invade Iraq. Yeah, and I have no plans to pay for adult movies on Spectra Vision when I check into a hotel, that don't mean it don't happen.

An Israeli researcher has created bald, featherless chickens. Have you seen these things? Goofy-looking nervous, red, skinny things. Their chicken coup looks like an Arthur Anderson company picnic.

The Los Angeles Dodgers’ Shawn Greene hit four home runs, a double and a triple. The guy couldn’t get one lousy single and hit for the cycle? What a wimp.

The journal of science reports that a band of chimpanzees in West Africa routinely swing crude stone hammers to crack open nuts. They have a name for this nut-cracking technique: The Hillary.

David Schwimmer, the actor who plays the Ross on “Friends” got caught in a New York bar fight. He was treated at a local hospital for a laceration to the forehead and a serious case of chronic whining. There are two serious flaws with the show "Friends." One is that a couple of broke-ass yuppies could afford a million dollar-a-month place like Monica's, two, an incredible babe like Jennifer Aniston would never come near a whining pain-in-the-butt like Schwimmer's Ross.

Arizona Cardinals safety Pat Tillman is quitting the NFL to join the Army. That seems extreme. If he wanted to be surrounded by hostile enemies trying to kill him he could have asked to be traded to the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Transportation Department has warned Amtrack about possible terrorist attacks. The tricky part for the terrorists is blowing up the trains before they derail.

Bob Dylan is 61 today. His friends helped Dylan celebrate with a cake and an inaudible rendition of Happy Birthday.

The IRS is auditing the Disney Corporation. Disney is not taking this lying down; they have sent in their most tenacious accountant:. Scrooge McDuck.

The L.A. Lakers host the Sacramento Kings tonight for game three of their playoff series. The Kings are ready. They’ve had the mayonnaise for Kobe’s burger’s sitting in the sun for three days now.