Barbie

In Australia, the demand for prawns has increased
dramatically over the past 20 years. Australians have included prawns in their
regular diet along with pies with peas and fish and
chips. Prawns are no longer a once-a-year luxury. Throw another prawn on the
barbie has become as much of an Australian icon as vegemite
on toast.

Mr Turner, Qld Legislative Assembly Hansard, 10 March 1999

When I was there last week during school holidays, it was
great to see families out there in an open space not having to pay any money
and having a cheap day out, cooking a few snags on the
barbie, and so on. The residents of a nursing home were actually there having
an outing and they were cooking a few snags.

There is nothing more Australian than a barbie. Other
countries like to drink beer. Other countries have a pub culture. But in
our travels throughout the world we have never met a culture that enjoys
barbeques quite like the Australians. We have the climate for it. We have the
informality for it. We have the friendliness for it. It is very much part of
our way of life, and is enjoyed from Broome to Brisbane to Bourke. And at all
levels of society.

Given the barbie's importance culturally, we thought we would
set out a guide for the uninitiated to allow them to conduct their own barbie,
or if lucky enough to be invited to one, to ensure they behave in a way that
is culturally sensitive.

Generally the steps of a barbie are as follows:

1. Get the beer.
2. Get the barbie.
3. Get the meat.
4. Get the salads (optional).
5. Drink, Cook and Eat in that order, preferably in the sun by the
beach.

It really is as simple as that.

Step number one then, is getting the beer. A barbie must have
beer or it is not a barbie. One of the authors of this site had the grave
misfortune of being invited to a Canadian work "barbeque" in London,
Canada. He was of course quite excited by this as he hadn't been to a barbie
in quite some time. Unfortunately, the Canadians thought it was
perfectly normal to have an alcohol free barbie. Something about not wanting
to be sued.

That would not be possible in Australia. The author was
enraged to the verge of madness, as would be any Aussie.

To top it off, the Canadians didn't even think the BBQ
required meat. That's right, they had some meat substitute instead. So this
so-called Canadian barbie consisted of staff members standing around, drinking
"pop" (ie soft drink), and eating fake meat.

Such a work function in Australia would seriously be
considered a grave insult to staff members, and would do much much more damage
than good.

Anyway, back to the beer. Traditionally Australians
drink lagers at barbies. Which lager you would pick would depend on
where you are living. In Queensland, if you rock up to barbie at, say,
Slaughter Falls, you would generally see cartons of XXXX
being consumed (all in Eskys of course). However, at
Coogie in Sydney you would be more likely to see Toohey's
New. To be safe, turn up with a carton of Australia's de facto national
lager: VB. You won't hear
too many complaints no matter where you are.

Pushed for specifics, Pawsey [Project brewer at Castlemaine
Perkins] reveals that a burnt piece of meat requires a beer with a bit
of oomph, like a stout
or a Tooheys Old, to
enhance the flavour."If that's a bit too heavy, go for
something with a lot of hops in it with real flavour like Hahn
Premium or XXXX Bitter,"
Pawsey says. Lighter tasting beers should be avoided unless you're at one of
those barbecued broad-bean-with-soy-and-cashew-ball salad affairs. "The
more subtle flavours of something like a Hahn Ice will get overpowered by
the meat," Pawsey advises.

But I think I'll give the foodies a miss for now because,
like most Aussies, I know that all anyone really needs is a glass of chateau
cardboard or an ice-cold tinnie with a barbecued supermarket sausage and
a large serve of superb Sydney summer weather.

Choking on celebrity chefs' Christmas dinners, SMH Dec 28
2004

There is an Australian adage that when hosting a barbecue,
a knock on the door should never be answered as it means the guest isn't
carrying the required case of beer. (One should only answer a kick on the
door.)

ConvictCreations.com, 10 April 2005

Once the beer is sorted you need to find yourself a barbie.
The great thing about Australia is that it is full of barbies. Parks, beaches,
camp sites - you name it, most of them have public barbies available to barby
hungry Australians. Some of them are wood barbies, and require you to
light your own fire. Many, however, work on gas for nothing or a small fee. Of
course, most homes have their own, and it is very common for Australians to
invite their mates around to their place for a
barbie. Unlike other places, Australian homes are large enough, and in a
pretty enough environment with good enough weather to do this. It is perhaps
for this reason that the Australian pub culture isn't as strong as some others
- we are at home with our mates cooking up a few snags
and having a laugh.

But back to the barbies. Now, we all know that some cultures
are obsessed with cleanliness when it comes to cooking, and avoid at all costs
cooking space that is dirty (as in with dirt), grubby, grotty and smelly. They
would also avoid devices that have been exposed to the elements for possibly
years, are rusty and perhaps covered with layers of disgusting fat and
infested with vile insects.

Well you can kiss all that goodbye. Welcome to the
Australian barbie, which will give you all that and more.

Given this, cleaning and sterilising a barbie is an important
first part of the process. Generally this will involve scraping the rust off
with a knife, and burning the crap out of the barbie to get rid of the old
fat. Rather than a cleaner, the ever helpful beer is often used to facilitate
this process.

This barbie needed a good blast
before use...

Once this is done, you can contemplate cooking your food. But
first an observation. Generally speaking, the Australian male is a very lazy
beast domestically, preferring to leave such tasks as cooking and cleaning to
the fairer sex. If you suggested to an
Australian male that he might be found in the kitchen, wearing an apron,
whipping up some tucker for the misses, chances are
you would be in danger of him knocking your block off.

And yet, ironically, that's exactly what the Australian male
does during a BBQ.

Males always cook barbies. The women make the salad.
That's the way it is. It is a thing of pride for a bloke to be able to cook
the meat at a barbie. Although to the untrained eye it may appear as though it
simply involves whacking meat on a hot plate and waiting till it is black, it
is in fact a very delicate and highly skilled art. It is for this reason that
men gather around the barbie when the host is cooking, drinking their beer,
and offer very specific advice on how he is going. A bit like how 3 council
workers sit around a forth digging a hole and tell him how he could do that
better. Sometimes the cook (who always starts off as the host), will get
the shits, and offer the tongs to one of the commentators. This is a sign of aggression
similar to slapping someone in the face with a glove. A person needs to be
very careful about his response: once the tongs are taken, it is a statement
of cooking superiority and a commitment to see the barbie through unless the
recipient's skills are also challenged and the tongs passed on again. Young
players are advised to respectfully decline the tongs until their skills are
more fully developed and they are confident cooking for a large group.

It is quite possible for 3 or 4 blokes to be involved in
cooking the one barbie due to such challenges.

But back to barbie basics. First, you need onions. Lots of
them. Many more than you think you would need. You cannot have enough onions.
A bit like those cold days in the pool, Onions will shrink like you wouldn't
believe. And everyone eats them. If possible the women, who will be busy on
the salads if there are any, will have chopped them. Otherwise you will have
to do it, and you'll cry like a baby.

But it's worth it.

Onions must go on first because they take the longest. Whether
or not you take them off when they seem ready to you and heat them at the end
is a personal preference. Some prefer their onions black - other, more refined
barbie goers, do not.

Either way, they have to go on first.

Onions take a while....

One thing to remember when barbequing is that regardless of
what you are cooking: onions, steaks, chops, kebabs, chicken - it doesn't
matter - it will improve with some beer tipped over it. Further, it is in this
sphere that you can assist a barbie cook without insulting him. Every bloke
sitting around the barbie will at some stage during the day tip beer on the
food.

Once the onions have had a fair wack, it is time for the snags.
When planning snag numbers, don't forget that a barbie is not a small affair,
and may go on for many many hours as beers are consumed throughout the day and
into the night. Hence you need enough snags for after the barbie.
Further, everyone likes to nibble on the snags as they are cooking. So really
you need enough snags for during the cooking, during the eating, and after the
eating. Snags are also good to stuff into the kids so they don't eat the
steak.

Luckily, despite their high nutritional value, snags are
cheap. Like onions, more is better.

Under the guidance of Thommo the bush chef, Mr Costello
donned an apron and showed a confident touch when it came to handling snags. "You
shouldn't fork them. In this modern day and age, forking them is a bad mistake."

Congratulations
on your bonzer comments re gender. You have more than
a skerrick of nous. It's about time the feminist
lobby was exposed. Too many politicians, especially
those greenies, are "two kangaroos short in the top paddock",
"two Falcons short in the top carpark", "a couple of snags short
of a barbie", and "two raspberries short of a punnet",
plus being "a couple of tinnies short of a six pack" and that is
pretty short, almost as short as Gerry Bates!!!

Different cooks have different styles when it comes to snags.
The person responsible for the 'snag mess' above was a bit of a novice when it
came to barbies - and it showed. It took an old hand to come in and sort
things out. Of course, there are as many snag cooking styles as there are cooks. But in our view, World's Best Practice would suggest cooking
snags in rows such as in the picture below.

Next wack on the steak or chops....

The next step is of course whacking on the steak or chops. These shouldn't
take long to cook by comparison, and before you know it you'll be tucking into
some fair dinkum aussie barbie tucker.

Getting into it...

Of course, following the consumption of what is always known as a 'few'
beers, you may feel as though you need to have a kip.

And why not? After all, it's been another hard day in the life of an
Australian!

Time for a kip....

Enjoy.

The world knows us for g'day mate, Anzacs, wallabies and
kangaroo... we've got top sheilas and good blokes, utes and we have a coldie around the barbie.
We don't need diapers, candy, ketchup, trash cans and fries – we've got nappies, lollies, tomato sauce, rubbish tins and chips.