Dear Thelma: My husband left me and our new baby for another woman

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My husband and I have been together for seven years. We planned to have children and were happy when I got pregnant.

We lived in Central America, where my husband works. Due to health issues and an unsafe environment, we decided it would be better for me to go back to my home country to deliver the baby.

After I left, he became distant. He did not answer my calls and messages, and I confronted him many times about it. He started to hide his salary. I asked him if he had a mistress and he kept quiet without admitting anything.

So I delivered our son, and my husband was happy. We made arrangements for the two of us to return to my husband’s location after three months. But then he said he had a lot of work and I should remain in my home city. He became uninterested in me and our baby. I confronted him again, and he started to ignore me for most of the time, saying that he was too busy at work.

Finally, we bought tickets to go back to Central America. The day before our arrival, my husband sent me a text saying he wanted a divorce. I called him to find out the reason. When he finally answered the phone, he said he never loved me, that I and our son were a big mistake and he did not care about us anymore. He said if I wanted, I could change the name and surname of our son because he did not care. I was devastated.

Then he disappeared. I checked our joint account and found that he had secretly withdrawn all the money.

I found out that just after I left my husband, he began visiting nightclubs and casinos. He met a Colombian woman and started cheating on me while I was pregnant. This woman has two grown children and she was a migrant looking for a job. He let her live in our flat with him.

He lost a lot of money gambling and blamed his gambling addiction on his unhappy life with me. He said the other woman was his soulmate and he was happy with her. He has blocked me on all social networks, but I have seen many pictures on his posts of him and the woman together.

He doesn’t help us financially and we are still not divorced. Seven months after our separation, I e-mailed him to ask that he settle our divorce but he has ignored my letters. He has planned a vacation with his girlfriend and will take her to meet his parents next month.

His parents have told me that whatever he has done, he is still their son and I should move on. They said my son will give me the spirit to keep on living.

I have a lot of questions. Why didn’t he speak with me about how he felt? Why did he cheat? Why is it so easy to give up his own son? Why did he move on to another relationship so quickly? Why doesn’t he want to deal with divorce?

He has had relationships before me. They didn’t last very long, just about two years, before he got bored. He told me he had genuine love for me and it would never end. Now he has betrayed me and our son. – Mia

Dear Mia

This is truly devastating and I really feel for you. What an awful situation to be in.

First, please find a lawyer to talk to, one who specialises in international divorce. Unfortunately, it’s very difficult to address these kinds of situations because you’re working across borders. Your lawyer will lay out your options so you can make an informed decision.

Now, about the emotional fallout, you’re asking why he never opened up to you, how come he’s just pretending your relationship never happened, and how he can ignore his own baby.

So how does that work?

To be totally clear, I’m going to talk text book first, then give my personal opinion and then make suggestions for you specifically, so bear with me.

Generally speaking, as we move through life, we work through a series of stages. Some people find it a real challenge to change from a child into a teen, from a teen into a young adult, from a single person to a married person, and so on. A few reject change altogether.

I think you may have heard the term “Peter Pan”, meaning a man who never wants to grow up. This sounds very much like your husband.

From your letter, having a baby together was too much of a shock for him. He didn’t like the idea of being a dad, responsible for a tiny baby and a wife, and so he ran away.

As you noted, he’s done this before. Until he met you, he had a series of two-year relationships. It suggests that as soon as a relationship deepens and becomes more meaningful, he’s off.

You were the exception. I think he did love you but now he’s back to his old habits. He’s setting up with a new woman, pretending he’s young still, and without responsibilities.

Look, I think it’s fair to say that life is very complex, and sometimes we come to the realisation that the things we thought we longed for (marriage, babies, lifelong commitment) aren’t what we truly want.

But when that happens, the proper approach is to step up and address it honestly. It’s heartbreaking but decent people come to an arrangement where the baby is looked after, and the adults make the best deal for everyone.

Running away is not an option. It’s cowardly and it’s cruel.

Your husband knows this, and that’s why he’s pretending that you’re the bad person, that he never really loved you, and that he’s the victim. Because if he for one second confronts what he’s done, he will hate himself.

It’s also why he’s ignoring you. Every time he thinks of you, the guilt hits him. And frankly, it should. Because it’s okay to decide you need to exit a relationship, but to abandon a wife and new baby while you and your new mistress go partying is the depths of moral turpitude.

Okay, now what can you do? Seeing he’s not even in the same country, and that he’s planned this down to the last detail, emptying the bank account and leaving you high and dry, I honestly don’t see much opportunity for repairing the relationship. My advice is to get that lawyer and quickly.

Reach out to your family and friends, and build a support network. When you’re doing that leaning, make sure to include a practical focus. You need to build a bright future for you and your baby.

At the same time, invest in your mental health. To work through your own emotions, find a therapist. Let it all hang out, and figure out how you can work your way back to happiness.

I appreciate this is very difficult and I wish I could wave a magic wand and help make it all better. I will say this: it’s going to be messy and painful but you will get through this. Do let me know how you get on. I will be thinking of you.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Or e-mail: star2.thelma@thestar.com.my. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

24 Comments

Thelma

Jowher Allaudin

This guy immatured and he have a real mental problem. Find a good lawyer. Now you have to be strong for yourself and your baby. It’s not the end of the world, you should show him that you can have better life without him. Be brave and fight for the rights!

Abc

Melody

You are not alone. It’s a horrible experience especially when u just had a baby. I believe time can heal everything. As time goes you will learn this man is just a waste of life. Be glad the divorce happen now. Yes to move on and never look back.u will have bright future with your baby and as well a much better luck on new love. Make sure to change baby surname.

Imsorry

Max

Vows are useless, the marriage institution is dead, especially in this era where casual sex is a normality and sex before marriage is okay. Our society and the world is slowing stepping towards decadence, let’s hope it’s not ruined before nature is ruined.

Thomas Foo

Dear Mia,
There is a saying ‘ A leopard will not change its spots ‘ That immature and irresponsible fellow had cheated you before and claimed he was bored.
Sadly, you did not spot it and have a child with him.
No point crying over split milk.
Get a lawyer and get a divorce and move on with your life with your child.
Forget the money that he had stolen. A gambler has no moral and responsibilities.
Just erase all the bad experience and do not contact him as he may cheat you again.
He is a very unethical person and totally irresponsible as he does not care for his son.
Very unimaginable of a man.
Move on and you may find a good man.
Good luck to you and your son.

Jessy

It is quite unfortunate that this has to happen. However, it’s a blessing in disguise as it’s best to find out now than later. It would be tough initially but you will eventually pick up the pieces and move on. There will come a time where you’d be tempted to go back to him but believe me, it won’t be long before you decide to walk out. You have a son. Be thankful and live for him instead of that unreliable man. Struggles in life will make your stronger but you should keep telling yourself that this is something you can do. Take one day at a time and treasure your freedom. You can do this. As for divorce, there’s no way he can remarry legally without getting a divorce first. Let him initiate it while you focus on rebuilding your life. Don’t get into another relationship on a rebound, it’ll make matters worse. Focus on yourself and your son. You need stability. My 2-cent worth of an opinion.

No Name

Just life what you want,,maybe this is an oppurtunity to you to gain what you want to be before you married the ungrateful man..im believe every woman before they got married they want to do what they are really like.Keep thinking positively. Dont give up. You have a precious son to keep strong.

Arunasalam

Hahaha…men will always be men…stupid, unfaithful, idiots of the highest degree. Not all, though, as I am also one. My opinion, go back to your parents. A secure place with lots of love is always there. Get a job. Be independent. Have your own income. There’ll come a time, sooner or later, where this donkey will try to come back to you. Don’t ever, ever accept him back. He’s done it once, and that’s more than enough. There are so many genuine gentlemen around. Take your time. Pray hard. Everything will work out well. Good luck to you, Mia, and to your boy, too. CHEERS!!!

Norisah

Jothi nambiar

Life has to go on. Pls do not accept him when he is over his blues. You can do it n its not worth crying for this moron. Its easy to say but u hve yr son to think abt. V womens r strong my dear. Go ahead n prosper in yr life n may god give u all the patience n endurance in yr life.

Isaac

Rina

It’s awful to hear that such husband exists. It hurts so much now, what more with a young baby in your care. Nonetheless, you can always get a lawyer through the Legal Aid Bureau which does not cost much, due to your current financial state.

Be strong for yourself and the baby.

cynical

Mia needs to ask herself whether she has been a good dutiful wife. Is she entirely happy when Mia spent time with him in Central America? Or did Mia complain incessantly about everything, about living abroad, about missing her parents and so on?

SS

Dear Mia,
Please move on and get a better life with your baby. Think about your son’s future and believe in God.
Your husband failed to be a Real Man. No matter what happens in between both of you,he need to face it like real man. He failed and please remove him from your life. Move on my dear!

Belle

Dear Mia,
Seven years!!! And you still don’t know what kind of man you are with? Those questions you asked, you should have the answers if you know your man well enough. Are you in denial all these while? Are you foolish to think a kid can tie that useless guy down? People don’t change overnight totally. Are you really married legally? This guy sounds like a con man to me, sorry to say. Situation up to this stage, its useless to try get that useless guy back, so just make sure your divorce is legalize and move on with your life. Learnt from mistakes and no worries…there are lots of good guys around home town for you for sure.