3 Ways to Speak Up Without Starting a Fight

3. Keep your focus on what you want, not what you don't.

The importance of expressing your feelings in an intimate relationship shouldn't be underestimated. Being honest about how you feel allows for bonding and emotional closeness, which improves every aspect of your relationship; withholding how you feel creates distance and disconnection. But even knowing how important emotional expression is, many people fear and avoid expressing their emotions—especially when they are upset. The most commonly cited reason: “I don’t want to cause a fight.”

How do you let someone know you're upset or unhappy without causing a fight? These three steps might help you more effectively express yourself.

1. Don’t assume you'll be met with a negative response.

Assuming that expressing your emotions will cause conflict is part of the problem. To be fair, most people jump to this conclusion because they've experienced trying to express how they feel and having it turn into a fight. But when you imagine something going badly, you prepare for it to go badly. When people expect a fight, they avoid expressing negative emotions until they are so upset that they can’t hold them in any longer. Feelings which may have been brewing for many weeks come out in an explosion that feels like an attack to the other person.

Instead of doing this, imagine what it would be like to talk to your partner in a way that would feel calm. When you don't expect a conversation to go badly and can anticipate a positive outcome, your approach and energy will be entirely different when you engage with your partner.

2. Use "I feel" statements without justifying them.

Expressing emotions can make you feel vulnerable. As a result, most people are naturally inclined to want to justify their feelings, often by blaming the other person in some way: "I feel upset because of what you said and did." But blaming the other person by stating that how you feel is his or her fault makes them defensive—and prevents them from hearing what you are saying.

Instead, try to state how you feel—and then put a period after the emotion and wait for a response: I feel annoyed. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. Most people find this much harder than it sounds, because putting an emotion out there without a justification can make you feel awkward and exposed. But if the person you are speaking to cares about you, their natural response will be "Why?" That person is now engaged and has invited you into a conversation.

3. Express what you want before what you don’t want.

Most negative feelings are generated because of something you don’t like or don’t want. On the other side of what you don’t want, though, is something you do want: "I feel angry because I don’t like being dismissed: I want to be heard." Or, "I feel hurt because I don’t like that you are always busy: I want you to spend more time with me."

Instead, skip over the part about what you don’t want, and go directly to what you do want to avoid putting the other person on the defensive. This way you empower the other person to identify what they can do to make the situation better—and you increase the likelihood that your needs and wants will be heard.

Old way:

You: I feel upset because you never spend any time with me. (blaming)

Your partner: What are you talking about? We are always together. (defensive)

New way:

You: I feel upset. (feeling without justification)

Your partner: Why are you upset? (inviting)

You: I love you and want us to spend more time together. (what you want)

Your partner: I would like that too.

Changing the way you express your emotions is harder than it sounds. I encourage you to practice first in your head and then on other people before trying it with your partner. The benefit of getting your needs met and increasing the emotional intimacy in your relationship is well worth the effort.

Source: New World Library

Jennice Vilhauer is the director of the Outpatient Psychotherapy Treatment Program at Emory Healthcare, the developer of Future Directed Therapy, and the author of Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind’s Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.

What to do when your partner always (or most of the time) seems to react with defensiveness, regardless of how your phrase your emotions?
I try to use I statements and not blame him, sometimes even telling him beforehand that I know the way I feel might be irrational but I just want him to know. I seem to almost never get a positive response but always end up causing a fight. He gets defensive so quickly, hearing a blame when I simply tried to voice my feelings. We've talked about this and he agreed to some extent but it doesn't seem to change. I am really frustrated and sad because I would love to find a better way to phrase my emotions so that it wouldn't hurt him but I still get to be heard but I feel like I am running out of options.
We used to rarely fight but lately this very thing has starting to become a routine; I express my upset in a way that hurts him, he gets defensive, I feel even more misunderstood, and so on. I am starting to be afraid to say anything at all and rather deal with my negative emotions by myself because this fighting is starting to be destructive.

Don't worry, Some Men are lost case....so, get on with your life and there is nothing you can do about it....it is their problems not yours.......I know it hurts.....lost case are lost case.....face reality...I did......no use of trying and trying and trying...give your positive energy to someone else....they are not worth your time...... smile my dear!

you just need some confidence in your value. Do things that build up your confidence and attract someone who values what you bring to the table so that you don't have to make disclaimers for your feelings. Somewhere along the line you learned to 'sometimes even telling him beforehand that I know the way I feel might be irrational...' But what is learned can be unlearned. Can you state how you feel without discounting your feelings? You're doing well because in your comment you state what you want. Keep it up, and have the courage to evaluate whether this relationship is working for the both of you or if it has served its purpose. Don't let fear stop you- if you've had a man before, chances are you can have one again, hopefully the right one for you.

It's clear you've tried different communication methods that are respectful of his feelings, I am suspecting he doesn't like the fact that he upsets you. Instead of focusing on listening, he is focusing on the fact that it's too difficult for *him*. It's easy to get defensive and run from it rather than talk. That's because it requires vulnerability on his part, figuring out a solution, honesty and time. He can't be bothered. Eventually this lack of communication and disconnection will take its toll. If he's not willing to hold up his end and discuss things, I don't see a good road ahead. Sorry to say that. But the fact is he is aware of the issue and is making a choice to not fix it. Even the fact he agreed only to "some extent" shows he doesn't see it from your perspective entirely, it's not serious enough for him to try.

Actions suggest he doesn't care about your feelings as much as you care about his. Look at the difference? You've made the effort to try to phrase things differently and be calm and rational, he makes no effort to be receptive, or to even suggest how you could communicate better. All of these things are definitely a problem.

ok, many women do this....we say I feel this way or We need to talk or whatever, most men ignore the fact that you want to talk to fix things. but you know, they are cowards and they run away from their problems or responsibilities. It doesn't matter how a women tries to explain herself...most men will react in a defence mode....I believe they are cowards and don't want to stand up to what is right......so, you know what?....they are hopeless, they are just air in the wind......Am 50 years old....good person with a good heart....and try to make things work and am polite and ask my husband and or boyfriend respectful questions and still they freak out.....so face reality....some men are just lost case.