Saturday, March 17, 2007

Rosie O’Donnell is famous for many things: having a voice grating enough to make even Fran Drescher suck a bullet out of a gun barrel; the ability to strip the meat off a roasted camel leg in one slobbery, toothy, obstreperous bite; sexually stimulating only the most self-loathing, most horrifyingly masculine, suicidal bulldykes; and having an understanding of complicated social and political issues which rivals that of history’s greatest minds. Yes, Rosie is a quite a woman (technically).

Due to her outrageous feud with “The Donald” and various incendiary comments she’s made on television’s most intellectual show, The View, Rosie has been all over the news. Rosie’s tumescent face has been on television so often as of late, the national revulsion rate has increased by thirty-eight percent. In fact, one disgusted viewer polled said, “If I had a penny for every time I seen that sow on TV in the last month, I’d be able to pay a limousine driver to run me over. To, you know, get her fuckin’ image outta’ my head.” Love her or hate her, Rosie isn’t going anywhere (without the help of a flatbed truck, anyway).

Rosie O’Donnell’s recent comments regarding terrorist leader/butcher/tick bait, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, have angered sensible people everywhere (fortunately for Rosie’s career, sensible people generally avoid The View like Democratic presidential candidates avoid debates on Fox News). On the other hand, people without the common sense necessary to keep them from ingesting their own waste don’t know what all the fuss is about. In fact, many of these people actually claim they learned something from Rosie.

“Well, I was at home, and I had accidentally started eating my own poop again, when all of a sudden, The View came on. Rosie and the gals—that’s what I call them because I feel like I know them—were talking about this guy named Kally Momed and how the government imprisoned him for no reason at that compound by Guam Bay. It’s really terrible what they did to the poor man. They made him wear a funny hat or something, and, well, you should see his picture. He’s all dirty and hairy. If it weren’t for Rosie and the gals, I just wouldn’t be aware of the world around me. Ooops, I’m eating poop again! Oh well—at least I’m recycling!”

Rosie O’Donnell has once again proven to be nothing if not polarizing (and, physiologically speaking, two-fifths pork gravy). As an important and well-regarded member of the press, I was able to meet with Rosie in her dressing room on the set of The View to get some answers from her.

As I entered the doorway leading to Rosie’s dressing room, her assistant gave me gas mask. I began to ask her what it was for, but before I could finish three words I began to gag. The smell emanating from Rosie’s dark dressing room was reminiscent of what a ranch for cattle with leprosy might smell like if it were bombed with overstuffed toilets from a Tijuana Taco Bell. As a hot blast of reeking air blasted past my newly protected face, I could hear Rosie guffawing violently, obviously very entertained by and enamored with her own flatulence. As I entered the room, she noticed me and waved me over, spitting what looked like a warthog skeleton on the floor.

Max Bojo: Good afternoon, Rosie. I’m here to ask you about some of the comments you made recently about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Rosie O’Donnell: Oh yeah. Another victim of President Bush’s torture squad. I suppose all those filthy conservatives are mad that I shed some light on their evil plans.

MB: Actually, many people, not just conservatives, are rather upset that you are sympathetic to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM), the man who helped plan the 9/11 attacks and personally beheaded Daniel Pearl.

RO’D: First of all, KSM only admitted those things because our government tortured him.

MB: So you’re saying KSM is completely innocent?

RO’D: I’m saying our government tortured him to get him to admit he did things our government is responsible for. Our government blew up the towers. Duh!

MB: Wow, there is so much wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to begin. Um … my head sort of hurts right now. Sorry. How do you explain this quote from KSM, then?

“I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan. For those who would like to confirm it, there are pictures of me on the Internet holding his head.”

RO’D: Torture, obviously.

MB: But the pictures KSM described exist.

RO’D: More government trickery. I mean, there are pictures supposedly of me on the internet with an entire raw horse’s head in my mouth.

MB: Those are real, though. In fact, before this interview you sent me an autographed copy of one of those pictures.

RO’D: Well, goddammit, just because you call a man a terrorist he’s no longer human? That gives the government the right to torture him all they want? Have you seen the picture of KSM, all disheveled and ragged? That is evidence of torture.

MB: Surely you’re aware that picture is nearly four years old and was taken when our troops captured KSM—not a recent photo taken of him after he was “tortured.”

RO’D: The Government is evil! Bush is evil! 9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by our government and the Jews that control the entire country! I’m so depressed about Columbine that I have to take antidepressants and hang upside down just to keep the sorrow at bay! Donald trump can suck my black dick! Christians are evil! Allahu-fucking-akbar! I’m three times the woman Nathan Lane is!

At this point of the interview, Rosie’s assistants entered the room and began pouring buckets of iced fish in Rosie’s mouth and brushing her tongue with a large brush. While Rosie couldn’t say much right then, her gesturing made it quite clear that our interview was over.