New iPhone to adjust user volume

The latest iPhone has been announced with a number of features to adjust both ringtone and user volume according to the surroundings. A novel app now allows for an airbag to be deployed when the speaker reaches an innapropriate threshold when barking the word 'HELLO'. Apple state that this has been designed with user safety in mind, as the airbag can deflect the worst effects of a punch in the teeth.

As an enhancement, the iPhone can also be fitted with an algorithm that detects the background sounds associated with travelling in a train carriage, automatically triggering the 'taser' function along with the airbag. A playful warning jolt is also administered when certain key phrases are used, like 'touch base', 'rock up' and 'win win'.

The iPhone is also able to recognise certain types of stress from intonation and can protect other end of the call. Whining, nagging and marital threats all trigger a reduction in the automatic gain control reducing the signal transmitted, enveloping the listener in a comforting silence. The makers are toying with inserting soothing yet appropriate background music, such as Chris Rea's 'road to hell', when this type of traffic is detected.

Apple have withdrawn an earlier app that enabled users to filter unsolicited calls and inflict an automated recorded response of the sound of a 'really good wank' back at the offending call centre. The auto-response was initially designed to be triggered if the caller number is with-held. Unfortunately this resulted in some confusion for those working in government departments getting a call from the boss. Users can now 'opt in' to this feature for a strictly limited set of phone numbers, likely to be used for vote canvassing during local by-elections.

The iPhone has an additional failsafe, where it will automatically self-destruct if programmed with that 'circus clown car horn' parpy ringtone.

Make Crunk's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

New York, NY-Blowhard billionaire Donald Trump stated in a press conference that he was afraid for the world after he had passed.
"I know there will be widespread mourning and depression when the Donald leaves this mortal coil and I want to try to...

The Cosmos - Astronauts aboard the ISS were carrying out a critical damage assessment after part of Comet Lovejoy C/2014 Q2 struck the Station's septic tank and sent six months' of space shit into the Quadrantids shower.
Emergency works to the ta...

Hill Valley resident Biff Tannen was accused of attempting to aid his wayward grandson Griff Tannen avoid jail time by disrupting the space time continuum. The plot revolved around using time travel to prevent the streamlining of the legal system wh...

Trials of the US military solar HALO missile have surpassed expectations but left puzzling questions for defence chiefs. The missile which was launched last month is still air borne and despite many attempts to bring the flight to and end, arms manuf...

NASA experts, have concluded that this universe was created by advanced life forms that live outside of the universe.
"We have found conclusive evidence of their existence," said Ellen Stofan, NASA chief scientist.
While mission control, was c...

The press conference started out without incident, as scores of medical workers, hospital officials, politicians, and reporters crowded around the cured doc to wish him well as he was released from a NYC hospital.
Warm wishes, hugs, and handshake...

Martians have been kicking up dust on the red planet and earthbound, frustrated scientists have no idea why! Clouds of red dust have been spotted exploding above and beyond the martian surface. The ginormous clouds are spewing into the universe and h...

Theoretical planet, Planet X is again making headlines despite the fact that there are curious discoveries on other real, existing planetary bodies.
Planet X, also known as Nibiru (another cool sounding alias), is an undiscovered enormous planet...