There seems to be so much normalizing going on these days and I wish to turn some of that attention onto a particular thing that is very close to my heart:

I like to eat colorful birds. Specifically, colorful birds that I have gone out and found my damn myself.

Both the eating part and the finding part of a the aforementioned finding and eating colorful birds are fun in and of themselves. But put ’em together it’s a god damn orgasmic combination. Nothing in my life has made me happier. Not my kids, not my wife, not even my multiple PhD’s.

But people can’t seem to get past the part where finding and eating colorful birds “feels” wrong. Which is total bullshit, of course. Because if finding and eating colorful birds was wrong, I wouldn’t do it. It’s as simple as that. But I do find and eat colorful birds so it’s not wrong and I’d like people to stop acting like its some crazy thing. Let me find and eat colorful birds in peace people, God damn.

For many years I have had to carry the stigma of finding and eating colorful birds even though the joy it brings me is something that surpasses even your wildest imagination… You think a barbecue on the 4th of July is fun? Well, imagine searching the woods for days just to find a colorful bird. Let me tell you, when you’re looking for a colorful bird and you finally spot one for the first time, it’s like the best freaking 4th of July firework you could ever imagine! So first you find a colorful bird, that’s awesome, but then you actually get to eat that colorful bird? In front of your family? In front of your kids? On our nation’s birthday? Get the hell out of town! There is absolutely no greater joy. Seriously. And I will be god damned if I’m going to let one more person shame me from enjoying something I love — which is finding and eating colorful birds — on a day when we’re celebrating our freedoms.

So this year, I plan to normalize finding and eating colorful birds with a three pronged approach:

1. A Reality TV Show, Obviously.

I think if I can get a camera crew to follow me around and really document the process of what it’s like finding and eating colorful birds it will really open some eyes and go a long way to removing the stigma against it. A reality TV show is the quickest way to normalize yourself so that people not only think what you do is cool, they actually also love you unconditionally. Just look at the Kardashians or The Real Housewives.

2. A Flattering Profile In A Highly Visible Magazine

I’m thinking like a couple page spread talking about how I’m a good guy and that finding and eating colorful birds is actually a cool thing to do. I want a pretty cool photo shoot too. Something where I’m finding colorful birds in cool gear and eating colorful birds off of some kind of cool napkins or with a cool bib or something. That would go a long way in making finding and eating colorful birds more relatable to people because I can show them that there is no difference between me finding and eating colorful birds and whatever they do in their spare time — adult coloring books, or whatever.

3. A Twitter Controversy.

I’ll probably pick a fight with someone randomly. This is an easy way to get visible I think. I’ll accuse someone of doing something horrible,(having sex with a log, or something) and that should be enough to get people to see that I’m a good guy. And neither I, nor the things that I do, are bad because obviously I just did something good (pointing out that someone has sex with a log, or whatever I decide to do, these are just examples).

It’s clear that it’s up to me to normalize finding and eating colorful birds all by myself, because no one is going to stand up for me in the public eye. People just can’t see past their own prejudices I guess. But I know that I will prevail because this is my year. Finding and eating colorful birds is one of the only things in life that brings me happiness and I’ll be damned if that’s not going to be considered normalized.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!