Monday, June 9, 2014

A Fred Too Far

(Farewell to the People's Poet.)

I believe strongly that we should encourage as many people as possible to ride bicycles...

..for transportation.

I do not, however, believe that we should encourage people to ride bikes recreationally. If anything, there are too many of us already, and I'd even go so far as to say that we may have reached "Peak Fred."* It's difficult to pinpoint when exactly this occurred, but I suspect it was when the bike companies added yet another marketing segment by moving the cable stops on their cyclocross bikes ever so slightly and renaming them "gravel bikes."

*[In this case I am using the term "Fred" to include any over-enthusiastic bike dork, regardless of gender or preferred riding style. If at any point over the past weekend you blathered on about your bicycle or your ride to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit (i.e. pretty much everyone else in your life), then you are a Fred under this definition, regardless of the width of your tires or the nature of the terrain you delude yourself into thinking you "conquered."]
Not that it matters. When we reached Peak Fred, how we reached it, and why we reached it is immaterial. All that's important is that it's happening. If you don't believe me, just go to your local greenway, rail-trail, or recreational path and watch the Fred-studded clusterfucktacular that ensues. Or, better yet, next time you suit up for a ride, clomp over to a full-length mirror and take a good look at yourself before you leave the house. What do you see? Ridiculous clown shoes? A helment shaped like a motorcycle gas tank? Stubbly legs sticking out of threadbare Lycra man-Spanx? A backpack with what appears to be an enema tube dangling from it? A jersey proclaming you to be the Swiss National Champion, even though you're a dentist from Milwaukee?

Now let the shame wash over you for a few minutes, and then ask yourself honestly:

Does the world really need more of you?

No, it does not.

By the way, I can assure you I'm also indicting myself here, which is why I keep all the mirrors in my home covered at all times, like I'm sitting shiva. In fact, I haven't seen myself in cycling clothing since the late 20th century, when I gazed lovingly at myself for two and a half hours after receiving my Cat 3 upgrade in the mail from USA Cycling. Placing that tiny "3" sticker over the "4" on my racing license was the proudest moment of my life, and I've been living in a very necessary state of denial ever since--though the truth occasionally taunts me when I put on an old racing jersey and the zipper opens from the bottom while I'm climbing due to my distended middle-aged vodka gut.

(I wish I looked this good.)

Nevertheless, I pedal on, and this past weekend I did all my recreational cycling astride this bicycle:

(The most impractical bike I own is also the most fun to ride. Funny how that works.)

Before we go any further, let's get something out of the way, because it happens every time I post a picture of a mountain bike: do not tell me to "get a suspension fork." Telling me to "get a suspension fork" is like me telling someone in Cincinnati to "get a MetroCard" because I use one to ride the New York City subway. For some reason, Mountain Freds love to tell you to "get a suspension fork," just like the fixie dorks used to tell you to "get a fixed-gear"--though even they have stopped this behavior, having since given up on fixed-gear bikes themselves and moved on to gravel bikes. Even a tridork knows better than to look at your road bike and then tell you to "get some aerobars," so it's only really the Mountain Freds engaging in this behavior at this point. Anyway, it's especially annoying because I already have a suspension fork, and at the moment it's in my storage closet along with all the other things I'm glad to own but were completely unnecessary this past weekend, like my winter coat and my Christmas tree ornaments.

And don't tell me to get a kayak trailer, either--or a kayak, for that matter:

As for the inventor of the kayak trailer, he states that the inspiration for it was his intense desire to squeeze in a quick paddle after work, an impulse that is decidedly Fredly. See, normal people simply relax after work, and people who have transcended Fredliness either head out early in the morning before work--or, more often, are simply unemployed. Therefore, this guy is clearly a total Fred, though whether he's a Bicycle Fred or a Kayak Fred is open to debate. In any case, if saving time is paramount for him, he should probably have cut out the middleman and designed an amphibious bicycle kayak along these lines:

Granted, this is less an amphibious kayak then it is a recumbent land-sea dinghy, but I'm sure the Kayak Fred could find a way to make it more kayak-like.

Meanwhile, it pro cycling news, it's Dauphiné time, and if you're new to the sport of cycling the Dauphiné is where all the Tour de France favorites test out their drugs before the main event:

(Sweet Lob, the Dauphiné winners list is like the Traveling Wilburys of dopers!)

Wiggins will ride the Tour de Suisse instead of the Dauphiné, but regardless of how he performs there, he explained that he will not be at the Tour de France so long as Froome is fit and present.

“If he crashes there, there’d still be a chance I could come into the team,” Wiggins said.

I wouldn't be surprised if Froome were to "meet with an accident" at the Dauphiné, though if that doesn't happen the silver lining in all of this is that Wiggins will be able to focus on his music career:

It shouldn't be long before his cover band "Today I Am A Mod" is rocking Bar Mitzvahs near you.

According to the victims and a witness, a 52-year-old Chesterton man was riding his bicycle on the sidewalk, passing a portable restroom at the same time a 68-year-old Pleasant Township man was exiting the restroom.The man on the bike collided with the potty door, throwing the Pleasant Township man back into the restroom, causing him to cut his elbow. The collision caused the Chesterton man to fall off his bike and strike his head on the concrete sidewalk.
No mention of whether the cyclists was wearing a helment, or of whether the porta-potty occupant was employing an "ass gasket."

That Kayak/Bike portageur reminds of the guy who drives his pickup- with the kayak on top-to the train station. He parks and then takes his folding bike out of the back, and rides the 250 ft to the train platform. After an hour ride, he gets off the train and rides the two blocks to the office.

I'm sure it saves him as much as four minutes a day. But really, who's that lazy.

Holy goofy tiller effect, batman! Kayak Fred has a shity kayak. I think that's his real problem. It's the balloon-tire beach cruiser of kayaks. In fact, I think it may even be a tandem kayak with the seat slid forward. Then, he straps a shity bike to it and it works even worse in the water.

Getting doored by a porta-potty is no joke. In my city's main park, there is a picnic area with a porta-potty. Problem is the picnic area is on one of side of the path, potty on the other, precisely at the edge. Door swings open, anybody in "their lane" goes down. Shitty.

My excuse is that I missed the podium because I was catching up on Friday's quiz, but the reality is that I simply don't give a shit. I do, however, like the Robot Captcha thingamabobs that include nonsense words.

Welcome to Fred Anonymous. My name is James and I am a recovering Fred. I had a Replica Team postal Yellow jersey. I redirected all verbal and electronic conversations I was involved in to something relating to bikes. I cerimoniously showed off all my new parts I bought. I tracked the Grand tours day by day with results and map on my outside my office door for all to see. That was rock bottom. I saw my friends roll their eyes and co-workers patronize me asking about the races. It took me years to realize bicycle racing is as real as professionl wrestling and you can still ride bikes but keep your friends by being introverted about it. You too can save yourselves. Find your local FA chapter and get the help you need.

Never will I ever be as fredly as getting a team kit. The only "full kit" I have is from my LBS 'cuz they gave it to me at cost, then 3 weeks later I found myself with a part time job there on the weekends. Conspiracy?Anyway, sorry but I am adding my wife to the growing list of fredettes. She has her first road bike and before you know it she will be out with the best Cat 6 racers.

It's not that your mention of mountaining bikecycles brings out the idiots. It just brings out new and more unusual idiots. And that MTBSNOB seems pretty unusual.

As for me, whenever I see myself in full-Fred (garish stretchy clothes, clicky shoes, punctured gas tank on my head) I think, "God I'm a dork. Eh, it's the most comfy for what bike related silliness lies ahead." Then I change clothes when the bikecycling is over.

Amen to the rain. Every day those thunderstorms pop up and stretch from Arkansas to Alabama and keep it up till the sun goes down I don't mind riding in the rain, what I do mind is slipping on the wet pavement. My entire bikeen revolves around keeping the rubber side down. See, Snob just confirmed my fredliness of blathering on about my "ride".

OK so we now have the BIKESNOBNYC/WCRM/RTMS definition of a Fred. What is the definition of a person in street clothes, riding a bike that cost less than a Fred wheel set costs, to school/work/the store etc, who only talks about the bike when asked?

I made 2 mistakes yesterday - 1. I went to work on a Sunday; 2. I rode along a popular MUP for part of the way there. Completely different experience - I'll take Cat 6 over swerving 3 abreast (2 is more than sufficient breasts) Fred-like creatures any day.

And yes, I am a hopeless Fred. I can't heppit! The warm weather sucked me back into commuting in clicky clown shoes and stretchy, awkwardly revealing clothes. But, it's better than 98 percent humidity in the crotch region...

I am also a recovering Fred. I do wear a local shop's kit because unbranded lycra is just too whitebread. But at least I have never, ever worn kit into the office because I remember how ridiculous the Freds looked to me before I became one. And c'mon! mooseknuckle in a place of business?

Speaking of Fred-pocalypse, I haven't raced mountain bikes in a long time. My son is getting in to it now and last week we went to a race. It had rained a little overnight and was sprinkling on and off on race morning.

In other words, the course was muddy and a bit slippery. No problem for the kid, he had a great time.

Back in the day, we reveled in a good muddy mountain bike race.

A few days after the race, I checked the results online to find a bunch of people complaining that the race hadn't been cancelled due to weather.

Blah blah, it was too muddy...I slipped and fell...I broke my derailleur...the course was damaged...I had to clean mud off my bike...

I used to like mountain bike races because the people seemed to be up for a good time and willing to take things as they are.

Oh yeah, mtb freds are almost worse than road freds. Yakking away on their cellphones at the trailhead. Sneering at anyone not wearing full sleeve baggy dh-style jerseys. Gray balls who think they own the trail and everything about mtb.

You know this Fredly kind of MTBer: Would never, ever dream of riding a bike without 2-inch knobbies. Ever!!

(Also, can't hang on rides longer than 90 minutes. Sorry mtbers, it's true. Could also say that about a lot of roadies too, and sweet lob we know how annoying roadies are.)

The courses are not like they used to be? Are you suggesting your own mountain bike racing experience dates back to prehistoric times, before the region's ridges and other defining geological features were formed?

Fuck. I'm an annoying kayak Fred, too! Bicycle trailer Fred does have an unusually sad specimen of a kayak. Whether his trailer will work on any other kayak out there is a good question., but even if it did, it's not the best idea, cause it makes the boat very back-heavy, and impossible to properly maneuver. Plus, it would make an eskimo roll impossible, and not only because it attaches where the skirt is meant to go.

hey Snobberdodger, weren't you supposed to be going out to Colorado (or Coloradical...) recently? for an event or something and you were going to do some mountain bikin'? (by the way, i think a fork should would help soak up some of the front end chatter).

how'd that go? or has it not went yet?

i still think you need to come down to florida at some point. you always snub (or should i say...snob) the southeast.

According to the victims and a witness, a 52-year-old Chesterton man was riding his bicycle on the sidewalk, passing a portable restroom at the same time a 68-year-old Pleasant Township man was exiting the restroom.

and mtb dealers are just as bad as roadie dealers..when I looked at an mtb, my local shop told me I needed dual suspension for all the gnarly trails in our neighborhood (bluemountain reservation& graham hills park)

I bought a hardtail motobecane on line for a few hundred bucks & I just walk when it's too hard to ride

That's because USA Cycling is obsessed with making XC "broadcast friendly" even though that's never EVER going to happen for all of USAC Fredtastic events.

A few promoters out there are doing great with more rugged races. But, the USAC whiners show up and complain about "dust" and "mud" on their 10K electro-plastic bikeens.

I tell ya, USAC is dumbing everything down. Still.

Who is the genius riding on a sidewalk and surprised they were struck by one of the many things you are VERY likely to encounter on a sidewalk? Not a USAC member. They'd swerve, point and scream "on your right!" from the street.

Wild trails of NYC? Fuck off. I would rather dodge black bear than ride some of those NYC streets. I indeed have a crazy MTB friend who actually rammed a black bear while going down a free style Ozark hillside. Scared the shit out of both of them.

If Babs is medicating with scotch I am less worried. Glenmorangie poured directly over wounds may be helpful. Alternate: gullet and wound. Use blended for the wounds perhaps and not single malt now that I think of it. Heal, of course, responsibly.

I like very much the pro utility/anti-Fred cycling agitprop today. I hope it marks the beginning of a glorious crusade to exterminate the shits in spandex.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for that Fred guy in that photo, though.

I've tried to appreciate Snobby's Engin bike and I've tried to dislike it, but can't bring myself to have any strong feelings about it. Maybe the brake levers should be at 3:45? Nah, I don't care about that either. Just ride on, dude!

I was amused by the delightful remark about a suspension fork being in a closet with other unnecessary things for the past weekend. It made me smile.

Haven't watched the boating videos yet. Might never.

I like that the ONCE team won the Tour of Daphne twice.

I'm really heartily sick and tired of Bradley Fucken Wiggins. I don't want to hear anything more about him. Ever.

I did a Fred ride this weekend. It was sort of fun -- mostly very well behaved Freds riding safely and funly on closed roads. Until some douche on a Pinarello Pinarino Pennarillo Penisito with AERO bars tried to sneak through for an extra lap as the marshalls were pulling the rest of us off the course. He clipped the guy next to me and went down in a heap of plastic debris. I didn't stop to ask if he was OK, Lob forgive me.

But I may have to go to generics to save a couple bucks as it appears to be a long-term treatment. I think a generic like Balvenie Doublewood may have to do except the occasional Lasanta for a booster shot.

at any rate V&dC has been re-classified as not ingsxumyw so for off-label use only.

Snob, no worries. Few people can obtain the heroin chic look of a pro tour rider. And those are definitely not two words I would use to describe my physique of late. Better try the two (squared) words big tits fat butt. I too am totally avoiding the mirror whilst donned in lycra. If I caught a look at my backside in my Izumi's, I'd probably never ride again. Denial rocks.

my fred's gone full upright with a racktop bag, but damn it, i can still drop em in the cat 6 commuting peloton. Makes it easier to feign indifference too because the lack of aero provides me with ready delusions its the headwind, not my fredwind that i'm suffering under.

I must be the anti-Fred, I wear work clothes on my commute to work, and don't typically bike recreationally unless it's the weekend and we aren't hiking or walking or doing some other fun non transportation task. So few bike in my neighborhood, that they automatically assume I want to do long rides??? Not really, unless it's to go to a restaurant I have never eaten at before, for fun and to burn off the calories I will be eating there.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!