Browsed byTag: Love

Timing is everything. I came across this quote only four days after my first love and heartbreak said, “I do” to someone else. It’s been over 20 years since we parted ways, but it doesn’t make the sting any less. I loved him with all a 20 year old college sophomore knew how to love, but to find “happily ever after” before seeing the world, testing my limits and dare, I say, finding myself, would have been foolish. We said, “good-bye” 20 years ago, and over time I slowly let him go, recognizing that there were many more boys to like and love. Today, as as a mature thirty-something, single gal, who is fully in tune with herself, I understand, I accept that my past is someone else’s treasure. Geoff, I loved you then, and in my heart you’ll forever be, but I am your past, she is your present, your future, until death you two part.

I often have discussions with girlfriends on the existence of soul mates, and what does the concept of soul mates mean. It seems our beliefs in their existence is as varied as how each of us defines it.

Even good ole’ Webster has a hard time defining it, simply stating, “a person with whom one has a strong affinity.” So if Webster can narrow down this complex concept in nine short words, why is it that as humans we struggle to see it in others?

The other day, I rediscovered a passage from Eat, Pray, Love, which for me, seems to best define what I believe a true soul mate is.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

First comes love, then comes marriage, and you know the rest. For girls of my generation, there was little question on the order of love, marriage and kids. It was all supposed to go the way the song said.

Recently, I discovered, or rather I accepted, that I am classified as one of “advanced reproductive age.” A classification that frightens single girls who grew up believing in the playground ditty, but have failed to follow its prescribed order.

To set the stage, there’s no boy or potential boy within a 3000 mile radius of where I now find myself: a woman in the latter part of her child-bearing years. Furthermore, any talk of biological clocks, marriage and being together forever is akin to living in Chernobyl in the 80’s, no potential date or mate wants to drop by, more or less stay for awhile.

So where does this leave me? With an abandoned belief that life comes to us in neatly, organized boxes to be unwrapped in predictable order.

What I’m considering now is that for some of us, what I want to categorize as: the special one’s, the unique one’s, those who don’t subscribe to following societal rules or norms, but can see beyond the ordinary, traditional template of life and family and be brave enough to stand up and say, “I’m gonna move the boxes around.” That maybe for some of us, baby comes first, then love and then marriage? Or for some, marriage, love and then baby?

What I’ve realized at my advanced reproductive age is that there’s not a one-size fits all when it comes to family. We make the family we want, no matter the order.

So what does this little rant all mean for me? Raised in southern tradition, I’ve been programmed to believe in the “proper” order of love, marriage and babies. Today, as an adult, I’m in the process of deprogramming: That for me, my lifestyle of circumstance, not choice, is one in which I can change. It’s one I can create on my terms and not those prescribed to me by a stupid playground song or even southern societal standards. I have the power to move the boxes around and create a specialized, one of a kind template for my family and life.

And yes, maybe for me, that means baby comes first, then love and then marriage? I’m not sure yet, but I’m getting closer to finding out.

After a lack luster season, Grey’s delivered a finale that made me pause to ponder the question: Is it better to be alone than to risk catastrophic damage in which we’re never the same?

Love makes us vulnerable and dependent, we like it, it feels good, it’s a drug we want more of. But when we’re drugged to enjoy the high, can we survive when we no longer have the fix? Isn’t easier to just say “no” to be alone and say not me, I’m not gonna risk it? Maybe, maybe, not, I really don’t know. I do know that no one truly wants to be alone, yet it’s not always a choice.

I’ve always believed that fate and a higher power brings people in our lives, but it’s up to us to determine how we nurture that relationship, or not. As I get older, I’ve found that it’s more imperative than ever to tightly hold on and cherish these people for who they are and who we are when we’re with them.

We’re bombarded with work, family, commutes, and countless other obligations, and it’s easy to just let people go, to say next week, next month until we eventually forget and have replaced them with the unfulfilling and often melancholy noise of the world.Yet it’s the people in our lives that shape us, change us, make us better, and understand us for us. They travel with us on this challenging, but rewarding journey called life, and hold the candle when all we can see is darkness.