I am writing this with tears in my eyes and no proofreading. Straight from the heart so if I ramble I apologize.
Anyone who knows me the first things they learn about me is that I am a huge football fan and work in public safety. I am the odd ball a female fireman and paramedic- that’s me! A female football fan that knows what she’s talking about- check check!

So today when news broke of a potential first round draft pick being accused of rape I was heartbroken. Not because of the fact that a young mans career could be over before it started. Or that a young woman will forever be traumatized (which will happen if allegations are true) but because an accusation is just that. A charge or “claim” that someone has done something wrong or illegal! Not that they have, because all parties are entitled to due process. I don’t care if the accuser would have been on a rival team I instantly hurt for ALL involved!

Immediately posts, tweets and message boards are lighting up. Blame being thrown all ways. Blaming the accused and the accusor. I physically am becoming sick reading them. My stomach is in knots, lunch is no longer a part of my body. I want to scream at almost every post I read. They vary from

“She’s trying to get money.”

“Another black man raping a woman”

“He’s on the doorstep of success and fails to enter because of a stupid action.”

“Woman always trying to ruin an up and coming mans life!”

I want to scream at each person that wrote each one! Where was “I pray this isn’t true” better yet “Prayers to the accusor and the accused!”

I will never understand why people rape people. One thing I will always understand though is what its like to be the victim of sexual assault.

You see 19 years ago I was raped. I felt worthless. I wanted to die. I was broken. There are days I still feel that way. I feel like a broken vase that’s just been superglued, every now and then some water leaks out, (my tears). Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what happened. I became a mother by my rapist. I never look at my child and see their father. I refuse to let him control anymore of my life than he already does. Its never easy to get over it. And getting married seemed almost impossible. What happened to me made it difficult to trust any man. To be close and confide in a man was and still is difficult. And to be intimate with my husband is almost impossible at times. I have nightmares almost weekly where I relive over and over what happened. My husband does all he can to comfort me. But the pain and memories will never leave.

Seek psychiatric help you say, yeah been there done that. Talking about it does make it easier but again its a memory burned into my mind. Every touch, smell, sound and emotion. Every victim will deal with these things. Some may get over them others may not.

As for someone falsely accused well I can’t speak for them but I can only imagine they go through a nightmare of their own. It has to be like being a kid and your older sibling does something you get blamed for it and punished because you can’t prove that they are lying. And days, weeks maybe even months later the truth comes out, but you’ve already suffered the punishment. Nothing can take it back. The thing though is when its an accusation like rape its always going to be in the back of someone’s mind. So I imagine like a victim of rape you never really heal.

Regardless truth or lies lives will be changed forever. So instead of taking sides and spreading hate on one or the other pray. Pray for all those involved. Pray for healing and peace. Don’t jump to conclusions don’t take sides. Remember in life there are three sides to every story, Side A Side B and the Truth. And before you decide to take sides put yourself in each parties shoes. And if you still don’t have a full understanding imaging if it was your family going through the ordeal. Put a familiar name and face yo each person involved someone you love and you will look at things a little differently! Most importantly though PRAY! Pray for all involved and their familues, thus doesn’t just impact one persons life it impacts many!!

Ahh time for the gym and my usual dilemma sets in. To wait on a workout partner to hit the gym with me or to go ahead and go alone.

So many pros and con’s. I want to workout, I really do. I need to workout. I have motivation hidden deep inside of me. I will workout. I also need a little push a little extra motivation. Someone who can say that was too easy time to go up in weight. Someone who works along with me. Someone I can motivate as well. Typically my husband or coworker is who I workout with. Today I am off while they are at work. I can wait on them to get off but that means gym time middle of the afternoon instead of morning and rushing home to cook dinner and get ready for bed. Sometimes working out with them is a distraction too. Longer breaks, spending too much time talking between sets. Even the “Man this is really hurting,” and they say just skip it or reduce the weight.
I also despise mirrors at the gym. So lifting free weights in front of them forces me to look at myself. I am going to the gym to help change myself physically as well as health wise. I don’t want to see my muffin top I want it gone that’s why I’m here! When I see everything I want to change I lode the confidence I walked into the gym with. Poof out the window it went! So working out with someone else allows me to have someone in front of me to keep from having to see myself in the mirror.
Now if I go alone I get it done early. I can get through the workout at my own pace which generally is quicker than going with someone. The Cons not having someone to push me. Having to wait on my husband to get home from the gym this evening. If I workout alone I always wonder if I’ve cheated myself by not increasing weight or pushing for one more.
In a little over a week I will take on a new fitness journey. I am doing this for me. I want to live a long healthy life. With a family history of diabetes and heart disease I need to do this. So that answers my dilemma. Time to fly high and pilot my life time to head to the gym now!
#Fitness #Gym #Motivation #BeYou #FlyHigh #Workout #Bloggin

This blog is about me. What I endure every week the challenges I face. Things many of us endure, challenges we all face, fears and triumphs. There is nothing special about me I am just the average Joe, well Jane actually. I want to know others fears, and why you fear them. What’s something you want to do but haven’t? What’s holding you back? Share with me. As time allows I will attempt to conquer these things with you. Be the pilot of your life so you can fly anywhere!

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