Hang Timer Times Your Hang Time, Playa

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There was a kid in my high school who thought he was good at basketball. He was not. What he was good at was making the “Jordan Face” when he’d go for a lay-up, tongue out and everything. But no matter how much we told him that he sucked, he was convinced he was just like Mike.

We didn’t have the Hang Timer in 1991, instead, sadly, we had Hammer Time. But if we had this piece of sports tech then, we could have proven to him that an excited kitten with asthma was a better athelete. The crampon secures to your belt loop or what have you and uses a motion sensor to record your jumps, averaging the hang times so that you don’t have to. It also works as a stopwatch and thermometer, so you’ll know just when you’re at your hottest.

Sadly, innovation takes the form of devices like this rather than time machines, because we would like to go back and prove that smug ass wrong. But alas, he’ll go on thinking he’s Air Jacob for the rest of his life.