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Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Tag Archives: Religion

Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe. To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being. The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears. Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs. It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.

The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water

With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist. I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder. I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens. With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will. Amen

Like this:

1.) I decided to swim down to the Titanic to see what it looks like up close but gave up because the water was too cold.

2.) I decided to give up my job as head of the CIA because I never held the position in the first place.

3.) I decided to become a leading member of the Yakuza, but, since I can’t speak Japanese, they had no idea what I was asking them, so they told me to fuck off. At least I think that’s what they told me.

4.) I decided to purchase a wild, hungry tiger as a pet, but, since it ripped off my right arm and ate it, I returned it.

5.) I decided to dye my skin orange, become a misogynistic, xenophobic racist, run for President, and win. However, since that’s already been done, I didn’t do it.

6.) I decided my God was better than all the other gods that people believe in; started a church; got tax exemption for myself and said church, and now I’m a billionaire collecting tax-free money from my followers. Praise be to my God.

7.) I decided to wear my KKK outfit out in public this week, and guess what? No one cared.

8.) I decided grabbing women by the pussy without their permission was an awesome idea, and guess what? The President-Elect of the United States agrees with me.

9.) I decided to be bitten by a radioactive spider so I could become Spiderman. However, once I exposed the spider to gamma radiation, it died and was unable to bite me. Thus, I’m still just a fat white guy with no super powers.

10.) I decided to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, even the ones fortunate enough to not live in America these days.

Unbelievableville, New Jersey. News out of the Middle East today is that former Pope, Benedict, has converted to Islam in order to wed a 12-year-old girl he first saw while on vacation in Orlando this past winter. “I saw her coming off the ‘It’s A Small World’ ride at Disney World and knew I had to have her,” said Benedict, who now calls himself Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo. “My mind immediately began to race toward ways I could possess a young girl both legally and morally, and I decided the best way would be to convert to Islam, kidnap the child, take her to a country run by fanatical Muslim idealists, and marry the bitch there. That’s exactly what I did, too. And there ain’t a fuckin’ thing anyone can do or say about it because my faith allows my disgusting behavior. And, since the world gives religion a blind deference, you can just piss off if you don’t like it.” It is not known which Muslim country Sheikh BaBa BooBoo is living in, but President Obama released a statement today claiming his hands were tied in this matter due to it being a religious issue and imaginary, invisible beings were involved that could send him to Hell if he angered them by interfering.