Thursday, 10 October 2013

The actual internal monologues of Cooper and Gracie

Cooper and Gracie were born into the very same litter, but could not be more different. Please see below for actual internal monologues for each, respectively.*

*because I am the dog whisperer and I know these things.**the following is based on true-life events.***I'm sorry that Gracie cusses so much.

COOPER

Me: "Cooper, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"

Cooper: What? Oh GOD, really? REALLY?! Oh my God! Mom, you have got to be kidding me! GAAHHH, this is incredible! This is the best thing ever!! I AM FREAKING OUT! Can we go now? Hurry up Mom! Where are your shoes? MOM HURRY! AHH, I cannot contain myself! This is definitely the best day of my life! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

Me: "OK, Cooper, I see that you're interested in the walk. Let's go." (puts on collar and leash with difficulty due to the squirming, and heads out the door."

Cooper:Oh my God, it's really happening!!! This is amazing! This is the most momentous occasion of my life! I will pee on all the things! It will be fantastic! (dives into a low bush, literally, and pees in it.) Oh dear, must save potties for other bushes as well... such as THIS ONE! (pees on next closest bush.)

Me: "OK Cooper, let's keep moving."

Cooper:OK Mom! Whatever you say! This is so fantastic! LOOK! A man watering his lawn! Hiii Man Watering His Lawn! I'd stop and say hello, but this is the best moment of my life and I really cannot be bothered with you right now! Oh LOOK, a fire hydrant with lots of urination on it! I must urinate here as well! This is MAGNIFICENT!

*things continue in this manner for several minutes, until we see another dog walking with his mommy on the other side of the street*

Cooper:OH MY GOSH! A FRIEND! Mom let's go see him, please? Please? Please? PLEASE?! MOM! MOM! Let's go!" (Tugs at leash with all his might) A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND!!! Moommmm!!

*A few more minutes pass and Cooper pops a squat to poop.*

Cooper:Mom, I wouldn't be so fat if you walked me more. I poop on EVERY SINGLE WALK, YOU KNOW THIS.

After the poop, we start to run the rest of the way home. Cooper is feeling extra fantastic.

* * * * *

GRACIE

Me: "Gracie, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"

Gracie:What? Oh! Yes! I think I would. Yes! I think I WOULD! This is wonderful! However, I feel uneasy about it. There is lots of danger out there. Many threats to our safety. Many enemies. However, I would still like to go for the walk. But I definitely feel uneasy.

Me: "OK Gracie, it'll be super fun. There really isn't any danger. Here, let's bring your muzzle in case there are any other dogs who get the bright idea to approach us."

*Puts on collar and leash, and we depart.

Gracie:Oh my goodness! We are outside of the house! We are outside in the world! This is my dream come true!! But oh God, A MULTITUDE OF SMELLS. This is overwhelming! I feel threatened! I smell 14 other urinations on this first bush alone! I MUST NOW SWITCH TO HIGH ALERT. However, I will add my pee here as well, and then sniff around some more.

Me: "OK Gracie, this is called a WALK, not a SNIFF. Let's move on!"

*Gracie reluctantly complies.*

Gracie:OH MY GOD A MAN WATERING HIS LAWN! STRANGER DANGER!!! He must be eliminated! How dare he exist on the same Earth as us! This is terrible! I will definitely bite you, mister, don't come another step closer! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BUT I DEFINITELY HATE YOU!

Me: "Gracie, that man is across the street and THAT IS HIS YARD. He has every right to be there. Chill out, jeez!"

Gracie:Mom, I don't like him, I don't like him one bit. Oh! Some poop on the sidewalk!

*Things continue along these lines until we round a corner and encounter an orange tabby cat lounging beside a bush, just a couple feet away. Gracie lunges at it, and I struggle with her, holding her back with all my might as she writhes around, trying to get free of me.*

Gracie:A cat! OH GOD A CAT! Die mother *ucker DIE! How dare you lounge around like that! I will kill you for this!!

*Ninja Cat decides it's a good idea to attack Gracie and comes at her like a spider monkey, standing on its back two legs and batting at her with his front paws.*

Gracie:WHAT THE *UCK IS HAPPENING!! I knew these bastards were bad news, I KNEW IT! Mom, let me at 'em!! THIS IS THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Deathcon Four! MUST ELIMINATE CAT-THREAT! RAAAHH!!!!

*I get Gracie under control and cat does the reasonable thing and runs up a tree before it gets ripped in half. We return home, my heart pounding out of my chest and Gracie's view of the world as a terrible place reinforced.