Wednesday, November 21, 2012

IN THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY: THANKS A LOT TO...

REPUBLICAN SEN. JOHN MCCAIN for showing, once and for all, that a war hero doesn’t necessarily qualify one for politics. Filibustering Susan Rice’s appointment for Secretary of State? Yo, Senator, didn’t you get the word – by appearing hostile to women and minorities, your party lost coyote ugly two weeks ago. Time to start reading the Washington Post for something other than the Fox News TV listings.

DEMOCRATIC SEN. PATRICK LEAHY for writing a bill that would allow the federal government to snoop on anybody’s
emails, Tweets and Facebook posts without a search warrant. And they don’t have
to notify you for a year afterwards. Better not use the word “bomb”
while describing Liz & Dick – the
FBI might turn up at your door tomorrow. (Yikes -- do Google blogs count?)

INDEPENDENT MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG for his utterly tone-deaf handling of the post-Sandy New York Marathon debacle. By not realizing that governing a city is different than running a company,
he lived up to the stereotype of the insensitive, out-of-touch
billionaire businessman that he his. And yet the other choices for the
2013 mayoral election are already so bad that I’d vote for him again.

MEL GIBSON for totally disproving Hollywood’s self-appointed
image as America’s moral arbiter by continuing to get work despite being a
proven violent, misogynistic, anti-Semitic drunk. (Memo to director Robert Rodriguez: You still
would’ve hired Mel for Machete Kills
if he’d complained about “spics” instead of “yids,” right? Right?)

LINDSAY LOHAN for giving ordinary people the chance to
feel better about their humdrum lives by watching the way a “celebrity” attracts trouble (and bad movies) with the ease of flypaper. Even better, she allows older women everywhere the chance to say, "Oh my God, is that what 26 looks like?"

THE BBC for demonstrating that it is no better than your
average crime family by covering up a decades-long child sex abuse scandal
initiated by one of its most popular stars, Jimmy Savile and other network bigwigs. You’ve just prevented
your honest reporters from covering the next, similar scandal involving the
Catholic Church without looking like total hypocrites. Oh, and you’re a bunch
of goddamn pedophiles, too.

KEVIN CLASH, aka the voice of Elmo, for living up to the
stereotype of the middle-aged man who just loves
entertaining children. Last week, Clash paid $125,000 to make a
claim of having sex with a 16 year-old boy while he was in his 40s go away – only to face an identical claim days later. Clash has since resigned from Sesame
Street, sighting that the charges had become, you guessed it, a "distraction." Hey,
Kev, don’t worry – you can always get a job at the BBC!

PBS for proving as cold-blooded as its British counterpart
by weeping that Clash’s resignation was “a sad day for Sesame Street” but not for the children he allegedly had sex
with. It looks like today’s episode was brought to you by the number 69.Oh, and you support a goddamn pedophile, too.

KEITH OLBERMANN for finally making himself unemployable from any place other than his Twitter account. When you get fired from a "let's do a show in my parents basement" network like Current TV, your only other possibility is hawking "Keith Olbermann Spittle Bibs" on the Home Shopping Network.KIM KARDASHIAN for furthering the causes of both the sanctity of marriage (via a sham made-for-TV ceremony which ended in divorce 10 weeks later) and world peace (by being "determined" to learn about the latest Middle East conflict while promoting her milkshake restaurant chain in Kuwait and Bahrain). Who else makes a better U.S. representative to Hamas?

DIANE SAWYER for providing gales of laughter by appearing
drunk on live TV during ABC’s election night coverage – and several other news
events over the years. C’mon,
Diane, you’re pushing 70 – it’s time you started holding your liquor like a man!