another suspicious text messages thread

Hello - looking for advice here - have seen so many similar MN threads on this topic and now find myself in this position. I know I am going to get advice on here that I need to confront DH but I am not sure I am in the place to do that yet.

Friday night DH had works xmas do - gets in about 1.30am and into bed and falls asleep. All totally expected by me and no problem at all.

Saturday evening I am in the kitchen making a cup of tea. DH's phone is charging up there and it beeps an incoming text message. Phone is right next to me and I look at it, and, being an iphone, the text message is displayed on the screen. text message reads

"please tell me, I'm going mental here".

His phone has been in the charger in the kitchen since about midday and, being an iphone, it displays all the text messages that haven't been opened yet. The message before the one above reads

"oh my god did we um last night?" (left at 4.30 in the afternoon)

This is from a number (so not a name DH has stored in his phone). I now open his iphone (i know the code and he knows mine). I took a photo of the screen (advice gleaned from previous MN threads!) and missed the first one and have now forgotten it but rest of the convo goes:

DH "No waited and waited only left about 45 mins ago"Mystery Person "Argh how did i stuff that "DH "Dunno literally got a taxi about 1.30 obviously really looked for you :0( "

And then the other nexts Mystery Person sent that afternoon.

I dont say anything and act normal - go to bed mulling it over. DH still hasn't picked phone up from kitchen. Get up at 9am this morning as DH's turn to get up with DC. I take DC out on playdate, get back about 12.30. Check DH's phone and he has replied along lines of "No, sorry for late reply I left my phone at home" (i didn't have time to make a proper note). Not sure what his reply means as he was at home all day.

I went out this afternoon and call the number from a phone box - woman answers and i hang up.

I have never ever had any reasons to suspect or mistrust DH. I know i read his messages, but i couldn't miss the first ones i saw that flashed up on the phone. I know i should tell him what i have seen and get his explanation but not sure i can face it right now. There must be an innocent explanation for thos texts - is there? Even if DH hasn't done anything physical is there some kind of wierd relationship going on between him and this texting woman?

That would explain the bit about waiting 45 mins I suppose (and make sense - he did get a taxi back). Not sure what the stupid smiley (or sad rather) face DH did was - he never usually does those in texts.

The afternoon texts really concern me - it sounds like if DH didn't do anything bad he may have come close.

'Did we um''Please tell me I'm going mental'Can't be explained by the taxi share suggestion, but they also don't make much sense. Is she asking whether they did anything because she can't remember? How drunk was she?? It's a bit odd.

Well, I would keep an eye on the phone for any other messages, or change in his behaviour. Could be to do with missing the taxi, also the bit 'did we um last night' may have been her talking about herself with someone else? I.e asking your dh if he knew/saw her with someone else?

agree with niceup - he would have kept the phone close to him if there was anything suspect. Am more convinced that maybe this woman was getting off with his mate, and she is cringing and asking your dh what she got up to.

I would love to know her name! I was hoping to get her voicemail when i called and she would have announced her name in the message.

I would say it is not someone DH knows well, as he has names of so many random people in his phonebook, including people he knew about ten years ago in the UK and hasn't seen since. Unless he is going to great cunning lenghts to keep this person secret which i think is highly unlikely and also wouldn't explain the "did we um?" text.

I wouldn't be overly concerned. . If something really bad had happened he certainly wouldn't have left his phone lying about, it would be in his pocket or glued to his side. Think it sounds more to do with taxi sharing & a drunken girl making sure she didn't make an arse of herself. I'd monitor the messages for a while, see of anything else is said and just ask him. . . . Or you could be really sneaky, phone up the number & say to the woman, ' this is xxxx wife, he's just told me everything that's gone on between you two & I'm looking for your side if the story'. . . Sneaky!! Good luck!

The more I think about it now, the more it sounds like some woman he met through somebody that night who fancied him, got flirty and got his number, and he was proposing to share a taxi home with. Knowing DH, he probably gave her his business card, specially if it was work related that they met.

Does that make sense, or do I sound like I am just sticking my fingers in my ears and ignoring the worst?

Do you still have the number? I would be tempted to ask somebody who neither she nor your DH knows to text her, along the lines of: "just to inform you if you don't already know, unsure's DH is married with children. I suggest you find someone else to throw yourself at".

Keep an eye on it. But I would point out that the fact that she missed the taxi, and he was looking for her,must mean they weren't actually together at the end of the evening, and doesn't fit with them having some passionate affair or drunk snog. Plus I tend to use smiley faces etc with acquaintances, just coz it's universal text short hand appropriate for a work colleague type person, but I would never use a smiley face with a friend or my husband, it would make me cringe. Obviously that's just me, but might be an explanation that would fit with him just having her number in his phone rather than having named her as a contact. But there are also more suspicious interpretations of all this so I would keep an eye on his phone and his attitude. It doesn't sound like he is very keen if there is something going on...

He has just phoned. He has been out with friends (no uncertainty there) and is on his was back a lot earlier than I expected - it is 8.30pm here. He sounded as normal and in a good mood - he is bringing me back food, which is good.

I think I am going to have to keep an eye on this - thanks so much for all the messages and giving me some perspective on it.

No don't ask him because then you will never know the truth if something is afoot.

If it was me, I'd observe his behaviour and keep checking his phone messages.

Can you phone her late at night when you are more likely to get her voicemail? Obviously I wouldn't advise doing this more than once as it could be seen as harassment and might spook a potentially innocent woman!!

I do think it's suspicious to be honest. But agree he doesn't seem that keen.

Do ask him, if this was a drunken near miss then confronting him could nip any potential repeat in the bud - don't see the point in giving him enough rope for things to develop than having a whole bigger mess to deal with.

Sounds like perhaps she made a move, which she dimly remembers, hence the "did we um" bit. Also agree that he doesn't sound interested - I've used the old "left my phone at home" excuse many a time!

You could say something like "I was making a cup of tea when I saw a message come up, for a moment my heart was in my mouth then I realised it'll just be someone from work - did you leave them there? What a shame! Haha." Kind of jokey but you can see what he says and perhaps mark his card a bit.

Umm I don't understand the people who are saying they wouldn't be worried by this, I'm sorry OP.

She's asking if they got up to stuff, he says no although he did wait around for her, she replies disappointedly asking how she could have missed the chance. He replies that he had to get a taxi, but really waited and looked for her, 'obviously'. And people wouldn't be concerned?