”Chaotic”: Britney’s intimacy issues

After flipping the channel from last week’s Britney and Kevin: Idiotic within 10 minutes, I was a little hesitant to fill in on Federline duty tonight. What if I missed something really important during the first episode? Don’t worry — I popped a few sedatives and got all caught up this afternoon. And it turned out I had missed something: Knees really can look like boobs! I’ve always assumed I am an observant person, and I had seriously never noticed this. I’m pretty ashamed.

Clearly, I have a lot more to learn from Britney. Like how to be a famous singer who repeatedly sings completely off-key for the camera, or how to slide halfway across a really-not-that-big-or-exciting dining room table to the delight of my five-year-old boyfriend, who may or may not enjoy farting in cabs. In fact, I never really understood how unglamorous my own life was until I saw Britney wrapping a fat wad of chewed gum around her face. I mean, when I chew gum, it never occurs to me to whip it out and wind it around my nose. Ever! This is why I am not famous.

Okay, enough. Even though I had to keep glancing in the mirror during tonight’s half hour to make sure my brain hadn’t exploded due to severe underuse — and I almost considered propping up my mirror right next to my TV so I could feel more like Britney — I did manage to get through the series’ second episode, titled ”Who Said Anything About Love?” (The quick answer: no one.) Here are some high (or excruciatingly low, as it were) points:

1. Britney constantly stating the obvious throughout the show. I think my favorite one was ”We’re in Amsterdam, and we’re awake!” Thank God for that line, because until that point I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

2. Britney threatening to break her assistant Felicia’s wrists because she mocked her and her fear of ”flah-ing” during a bumpy flight. (One time, Britney said, her plane ”just dropped out of the sky!” Okay, then how is she still alive?) Why the wrists? Maybe this is just some complicated assistant-torturing technique that only Britney could have come up with. She’s like real smart, y’all.

3. Britney talking about Kevin to her stylists, who absolutely don’t care: ”I’ve never really liked anybody… . I never thought I’d like anybody again, and I do!” Didn’t Britney ever ”really like” Justin? Wow. It must be hard to go from never liking anybody to liking somebody again. Or do we smell a little denial?

4. Kevin describing how he dealt with security guard Mo’s dislike by walking up and slapping Mo underneath his chin. The enormous Mo proceeded to squash Kevin like a bug. Great idea, Kevin. Maybe next time someone gets hostile to him, he should just yank out a gun and pistol-whip himself. Or costar in an unbearable reality series! Whatever form of self-torture works.

5. Britney lamenting (in May 2004) that Brad Pitt would never even look at her (a week ago, before ”getting to really know” Britney, I might have disagreed) while assuring Kevin, ”I wouldn’t leave you for him anyway, ‘cause it’s not a reality, it’s a dream.” Uh-huh. After about a minute of gaping blankly, he lit up with ”How many dreams have you made a reality in your life?” ”All of them,” she shyly replied. All right, Kev! Way to talk her out of it.

6. An on-screen advertisement for the new series The Bad Girl’s Guide while Britney was shown gyrating in leather chaps over a male dancer during a performance. Gotta love UPN. And as much as anyone may hate on this show, we can all probably agree that these random concert clips are tolerable, even entertaining. It’s so easy to love Britney again for a few seconds here and there. I even rewound one of them to mentally prepare myself for the next few minutes of nothing. You see, this show could be good! I just wish she wouldn’t do all that video camera stuff. And wouldn’t, you know, speak.

7. This line of Britney’s pretty much defines the entire show, and probably made us all a little sad [fake sniff]: ”I’m not really good with just really being intimate one-on-one, and I think it really helped me havin’ a camera there instead of it just bein’ me and him.” Oh. Wow. I am pounding. My head. Against. The wall. Give me concert footage. More gum! Anything!

We also got treated to some background info on K-Fed. I loved how the show suddenly got serious, as if viewers had been waiting all along for some real dope on the mysterious, elusive, untouchable Kevin Federline. I expected something at least decent, especially since it’s TV, which usually manages to find at least something interesting about a person to exploit, but it turns out he’s just really boring, and we already knew that. There wasn’t even a mention of Shar Jackson and her baby, whom Kevin left behind to go on tour with Britney. Long before that, when Kevin first met Britney while dancing for LFO, he ”didn’t think anything of it… . All I wanted to do was dance.” As opposed to now, when he’s realized that it’s actually more fun to sit on his ass and live for free. And it seems the Spears staff didn’t mind Kevin’s constant presence after a while because, as Britney pointed out, ”they saw that I wasn’t a bitch anymore.” Aw, Brit. You’re getting more and more precious all the time.

There was kind of a surreal moment right after we heard K-Fed saying in voice-over, ”I knew I was supposed to be [in L.A.] for a reason. I don’t know what it is.” They cut to night-vision Britney wagging her tongue while emitting delighted ”aghhh!” sounds. (Big thematic realization coming up.) It reminded me of when Britney told the camera, ”He thinks he’s a grownup, but he’s not,” at which point it hit me that these two clowns are exactly alike. They’re both really immature, they agree that they enjoy sex, and they seem incapable of answering other types of questions with straight answers. I’d say something nice, like that they deserve each other, or that it’s cute how they make each other happy, but let’s be honest: A ton of people are just like them. Which is fine, but why do we care about these two particular goons? It just kind of pisses me off that the only reason I’m typing this sentence is that Britney couldn’t stand a decrease in media attention and decided to make a reality show based on her and Kevin’s idiotic, way-too-charmed lives. So, no love right now. Maybe next time.

What do you think? Speaking of no love, did anyone else feel for Madonna or at least the sanctity of her song ”Don’t Tell Me” as Britney managed to butcher it entirely? Does your love scare you, or does other people’s love scare you? And does anyone have the stamina to sit through this another week? (If you can’t, don’t worry — we’ll watch it for you.)