Wednesday, February 18, 2004

i'm starting to feel a little...ehh....stuck. maybe "bottled" is a good word for it. so much seems to be going on in the lives of those around me that my own thoughts can't find themselves within the swim of things in my head. there's a little voice inside of me that says "let me out! let me scream! let me be seen!" and it gets shrouded by all the other doings in my life..the settling, the being, the living moving on-ing...
the times that i honestly feel at a perfect point to sit down and process things, i find myself in the complete wrong circumstance to let myself...because i'm in the middle of a ladies bible study or serving lattes or waiting to learn how to change the oil in my car....
i cant even comprehend all that has happened to the inhabitants of my house in the last month...even two weeks. its not just me..my own circumstances seem to pale in comparisson to the ups and downs i've seen my housemates struggle through...and that is the beginning of my unprocessedness.
i so want to be there for them..to listen..to help out..to give all i can..i'm the server..its what makes me happiest. but in being happy, i turn around and see that little girl with that little voice who was screaming at the start of this message and i dont know what to say to her..and i dont know how to help her..and i let a few tears fall, wipe them away, then quickly move on to the next checkpoint.
and it seems like nothing is now. everything is then or completely uncertain.
the friends i'd love to call from my past remind me that i'm not then, i live now..and that what they live and what i live are in two different worlds, almost. i'm strugling between the people who are just getting to know me and those who used to know me and have missed getting to in the recent months. both sides hurt because neither know me.
i suppose its part of living in this fallen world..the longing to have the sort of relationship where someone knows me completely is my longing for closeness with my creator..to walk in the garden with him and know that he knows everything i've done and everything i'll do and loves me because of that and isn't going to let go of me.
why does knowing that not help me feel less lonely?