Does his secret stash mean that he's gay?

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and but there has been no ­intimacy between us for most of that time

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and, this may shock you, but there has been no ­intimacy between us for most of that time. I can count on my hands the times it has happened.

He provides well, is kind and can be trusted, but over the years I’ve had huge doubts. I’ve found sex toys he uses on himself, Viagra, nipple clamps and gay porn on a DVD. He keeps his phone and computer locked so I can’t assess them.

I’ve confronted him about all of this and he insists he’s not gay, but I don’t know what to do. He hasn’t been honest with me from the start.

My self-esteem is low, but I can’t leave as I’m financially dependent on him. I have debts and I’d be lost without my car. I feel so trapped. The only excuse he ever comes up with for not wanting sex is that he’s tired and stressed, but he insists he loves me.

He says he just has the odd fetish. I can’t go on ignoring things and behaving like I’m just his cook and cleaner.

Any advice?

Coleen says..

Of course, it’s daunting to leave a long-term relationship, but you can do it. You don’t have to be tied to someone financially. Take the bull by the horns and start to work out how you’d manage, otherwise what’s the alternative?

Do you stay in the same unhappy situation for another 12 years? And who’s to say that in another 12 years he won’t turn around and leave you?

To be brutally honest, if there’s been very little intimacy in 12 years and you’ve found all this stuff, then the signs are there that he does want a sex life – just not with you. He could be in denial that he’s gay – perhaps he doesn’t want to admit it to himself and that’s why he’s still with you. That’s a sad place to be too.

You have to be the one to instigate a serious conversation. You must explain to him that you don’t want to live the way you are any more and that both of you deserve better from life.

Tell him you want ­intimacy and trust in a relationship and be very clear that you don’t believe the stories he’s told you about his porn and sex toys.

It’s time for him to be honest with you now – there’s no going back – so tell him all you want from him is honesty so you can talk about how you can each begin to move forward.

You shouldn’t stay with him purely for financial reasons and he shouldn’t be with you just because he needs a cook and a cleaner.

Don’t just trundle on, life really is too short – or actually too long – for you to stay in an unhappy relationship.