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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Post Office Saves Saturday Deliveries with Child Labor Force

You might notice the letter carriers in your neighborhood have become a bit shorter recently. This isn't some show of solidarity related to the elimination of Saturday delivery and a “shortened” work week, no, it's because the Post Office has started hiring children. Children aged three to eight, primarily.

“This pretty much solves all of our problems,” says Postmaster General Martin Johnson. “No longer must we fear end of Saturday delivery. We will still deliver first class in one day and we no longer have to sacrifice virgins to the posting gods to make our ridiculous deadlines. Children, they're just, they're just great.”

Sure, it might violate laws, but only
laws of being uncute!

The pint-sized workers will eliminate postal problems because they do everything because “it's really fun,” as a toddler dressed head to toe in blue claimed. They demand no salary and do not understand the concept of a pension (although, neither do I). Sure, most children this age are incapable of reading or forming cohesive sentences that don't revolve around the concept of “Bakugan,” but the price can't be beat.

“These are the type of people who just don't care about snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night. These couriers swiftly complete their tasks for the cost of a mere juicebox,” says Johnson.

The young age has caused these children to not become embittered with the world. If they do keep up with their letter carrying tasks, the term “going postal” will disappear from popular vernacular. However, at this age they're also not able to drive, which presents some problems, but luckily their stubby little legs seemingly never grow tired, even with 60 plus pounds of mail.

So, how did children come to dominate the work force that once fell under the sole discretion of pissed off Vietnam Veterans?

“Once we hired Martha Greenwood for our pre-school outreach program, she just hit the ground running. She'd hang out at school playgrounds and offer free candy to any kid who 'wanted to deliver mail.' While some saw innuendo in this, others saw free candy and immediately signed up,” says Johnson.

The one problem the postal service must overcome is the stigma attached to children and their work habits from the industrial revolution. Back then, massive deaths in the labor force caused congress to outlaw child labor for factories in the early 1900s, that law did not carry over for government related entities. This means children can participate in our society as letter carriers, teachers, presidents and even as factory workers (as long as it's a government sanctioned entity).

“We consider it more of an indentured servitude than anything else,” says Postmaster General Johnson. “From this sweet arrangement, they get reduced prices on mail delivery. That's not as a perk, but they keep our costs down, resulting in their costs being lower. And three-year-olds have a lot of correspondence they need to keep up on—way more than even octogenarians.”

Adding to the financial flow of the post office, these kids will not retire for upwards of 70 years. That means they're paying into all forms of social security and pension plans right now. They definitely won't be able to use them in the year 2080, but that's something for their grandchildren to figure out.