Dating Maze #379: Marriage or Career?

Do I need to slow my climb up the corporate ladder in order to get married?

I’ve been reading Cheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” and thinking how it applies to me. I’m a 31-year-old professional woman who seems to have everything most people strive for – a prestigious job, six-figure income, plenty of investments, my own condominium, a beautiful wardrobe, yada yada yada. I have a few good friends and get along well with my family. I love my job, which is challenging and gives me an opportunity to travel and interact with many interesting people.

Only one thing has eluded me. I have never been in any sort of a relationship with a man. I rarely date, for two reasons – first, my job is so demanding that I don’t have much time for a social life. And second, most of the men I meet are married, and the offers I get are usually single guys who don’t sound so interesting. So while my life is very fulfilling now, I am concerned that a few years down the road I will wonder why I’m alone.

I've got a real dilemma. Should I slow down the pace of my work (as well as my ascent up the administrative "ladder" in my company) and start dating now, or can I put it off a few more years? I know that as I get older it’s going to be harder for me to find Mr. Right. I also worry that if my professional success intimidates some men, I might have trouble finding someone whom I can respect as an equal.

I know that it’s up to me to resolve this dilemma, but I'd really appreciate your insight.

Susan

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Susan,

You're right – only you can establish the priorities that will help determine the direction your life will take. We hope that our response can help you sort out those priorities.

It’s true that the older a woman gets, the more difficult it is to find suitable men to date. Until modern medicine can perfect a way of slowing down our biological clocks, this will continue to be the case. In addition, as we age, we often increase our expectations and become more difficult to satisfy.

If you begin marriage-oriented dating now, we can't guarantee how things will play out, but you certainly will have an easier time now than if you begin a few years later.

The question is: What place does marriage, as well as family, have in your own long-term goals, and how high is it on your list of priorities?

Personally, we are dismayed with the American cult of near-total devotion to work as the route to wealth and success. Like you, tens of thousands of men and women take stock of their lives and realize they may have been missing out on some very key elements that help constitute a happy and fulfilling life.

Some skills that make a successful "fast track" employee may also make interpersonal relations more challenging.

If you want to carve out a personal life for yourself, which includes giving yourself time to date effectively, you must make room in your life before filling your day with work-related obligations. You’ll want to begin scheduling in time to work on meeting suitable dating partners through networking (friends, relatives, rabbis, singles groups, matchmakers) and through social activities.

Will this slow your ascent up the ladder of corporate success? Probably. Is it worth it? That's for you to decide.

If you choose to start dating now, bear in mind that some of the skills that make you a successful "fast track" corporate employee (aggressive, efficiency, single-minded focus) may earn you workplace promotions, but may also make your interpersonal relations more challenging.

Take some time to explore and nurture other aspects of your personality that make you a good friend and confidante – a caring nature, sincerity, the ability to share your time and talents, loyalty, a sense of humor. Similarly, think of similar "non-corporate" personal qualities that you would like to see in others, and look for dating partners who possess these qualities.

You write of wanting someone whom you can "respect as an equal." It is common for a strong woman to want to be paired with a strong man, and you should look for strengths that compliment your own. But be careful not to use material or corporate achievement to measure strength, or you'll set yourself up for a competitive relationship.

Instead, look for someone who enjoys his vocation (it shouldn't matter if he's a professor, a carpenter or a caterer) or his avocation (such as dedication to a community group or charity) and takes pride in doing his job well.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 12

(11)
Diane,
June 9, 2013 1:32 AM

You Can Have it All But not necessarily All at Once

When I was in Graduate school getting my MBA I used to say the above phrase all the time. I was already married and had worked for several years at 29 years old. I have a bachelors in Engineering. I expected to have children and just take some time off. Now that I am 55 years old with a daughter just finishing college and still married, I can give some advice. When I was in college I had 5 marriage proposals. Every guy I dated started talking marriage right away. When I said yes to my husband I had stars in my eyes. His mom was a former Miss Arizona. His parents were so crazy about me I did not have critical enough eyes. So, the guy you marry should be as smart as you are in mulitple ways. Emotional intelligence is as important as IQ. But, check out the immediate family and make sure they share your values and idea of proper behavior. (Gossipy, prejudice, politcally polarized people who "hate" lots of things are really exhausting). Someone who wants to do things that you both like is super important. I love to travel and my husband will not leave North America. Also, your spouse should respect your career and think that it is as important as his. Open your heart to the idea of being in Love. Meeting someone who is doing similar things that you enjoy and find important will result in the best match.

(10)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2013 3:27 PM

Thinking too much

I got married at 25 after completing a masters in Int'l affairs and landing a great position in a prestigious bank. I gave it up to marry what I knew was my soul mate - we had language and communication gaps and marrying him meant moving overseas to a country whose language I could not speak. I currently work part time in an investment research earning what I would've paid in taxes 10 years ago. Thursday I gave birth to my 4th child, shabboss my husband farmed out the kids and stayed with me in the hospital even though I told him it wasn't necessary. My friends pitied me when I married what they considered beneath me, a former boyfriend recently called to tell me he met with my father recently and doesn't think my father hates my husband anymore. I am in love with my husband and blessed by god with the most beautiful family. I always considered myself an intellectual and yes it bothered that my husband took to life simply, but this shabboss we spent hours talking something we haven't done in a very long time and I realized 2 things - marry someone who can deal with you - and believe me the more complicated you or your outlook is the more you need someone with a simple outlook and the second marry someone you can deal with - when life situations get out of hand it's that I can be refocused. My single friends in their mid- thirties are stuck because they now have to marry superman. Superman is a myth. You getting what you need physically and emotionally in a relationship is more important even if others can not see it. Not every woman is geared to be a wife and mother but just make sure you know what you are giving up for a designer handbag. I spent more than 3 weeks in the hospital pre birth and was slowly losing my mind but as I look at my beautiful little girl I know how blessed I am. I used to shop in Saks and Nordstrom now I go to outlet centers - there isn't a thing I would change. May God bless you with wisdom to make the right choice for you.

(9)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2013 1:39 AM

great tone

I really enjoy the wise and sensitively worded answers to these complex questions. They are not dogmatic; they honor the need for the choice to be that of the individual, while gently pointing out some important angles to consider. Just a technical comment: compliment means to offer words of praise, while complement means to complete by supplementing what is missing. Common error. Otherwise, really well-written message, thanks.

(8)
Anonymous,
April 26, 2013 1:04 AM

wake upnow!!

Dear Susan:I was on your track and barely made it out in time!!!thank hashem I woke up! I now have a wonderful husband and by true miracles great kids-and I'm even retiring early and making aliyah.my priorties are now ones I'm happy with and so more important than a leather seated BMW!!!

(7)
Anonymous,
April 25, 2013 10:23 PM

Be careful also not to leave it too late for a very practical reason, the chances of your child born with a life long Special Needs such as Downs syndrome and other conditions increases with age. Although you will love the child with all your heart, you will also live with grief and crushing heart ache for the rest of your (and your husband's) life.Take it from someone who has experience in this, my achievements in my former career/profession/money means nothing now, and I will give it all away if I could turn the clock back. Don't delay marriage and child birth for too long.

(6)
betty,
April 25, 2013 8:16 PM

Dear Susan, for G-d's sake don't give up your profssional life.If the right guy is destined for you, he will appear somehow without you making any sacrifice. For you to have achieved so much, you must have put in loads of hard work.Keep it up. Men come and go but your identity as to who or what you are, is up to you. Yes I do agree men are threatned by womens' success but that;s too bad and they are the losers.Never give up anythning for anyone. PLEASE DON't.

(5)
Anonymous,
April 25, 2013 6:09 PM

a different line of thinking

someone once told me that when you leave this world, do you think that anyone will remember that you had a high paying job, and clothing, and vacations, etc? once you are gone- you are GONE FOREVER It's over. You cease to exist. However, if you leave children, you are continuing the Jewish people. You will be remembered until the end of time. Especially if you can bring up righteous children. Look at the great Rabbi called RASHIhe lived in the year 1000 (non-Jewish year) and we speak about him today as if he lived only years ago. Our goal is to continue the Jewish people. YOU will have to balance your goal of working and of being a mother, and I guarantee you- once you have a family you will never understand how you waited so long. It is the most beautiful and fulfilling thing a Jewish woman can do. Hatzlacha!

(4)
Anonymous,
April 25, 2013 4:56 PM

A sick society

Susan says "I’m a 31-year-old professional woman who seems to have everything most people strive for"

She hasn't a husband and she hasn't children!!!! She thinks most people strive for a "prestigious job and six-figure income - well she's living in a sick society with its values upside down..

(3)
scott,
April 25, 2013 9:53 AM

Yes. You might have to give someething up to get what you want

There is a myth out there. Women can have it all. Well you can't. Grown up life is about trade offs. There are families out there that seem to have it all...two go getter careers and a solid Jewish life and wonderful marriage and children and everything. But that is a lie. Period. It is a lie. It never happens. Ever.. There are 24 hours in a day. There are hours you have to allocate for sleep, eating, personal hygiene and to things Jewish (davening, Shabbat, holidays, etc.) The remaining tine is available for working and maintaining personal relationships and marriage and children. The choice invest time doing one is a choice not to do another...or at least to do it less. People spend their time at work and outsource the unimportant stuff-their kids-to strangers. The kids notice. The question people, especially modern women, need to ask themselves is "What am I working so hard for?" Are you working for the approval of a nameless soulless corporation? To correct my self esteem issues-they don't feel equal to men unless they can beat men at their own game? For the nice vacation or leather seats in your new BMW? All of the money you make, all of the "personal achievement" you attain, all of your self esteem.dies with you. The only thing that remains in this world as evidence you existed is the life you leave behind. Is the love you leave behind. Family, Ltd. is the only corporation that matters to me. We produce a family. I am primarily responsible for getting the capital necessary for running the product development. My wife is responsible for running product development and maintains the factory. And she helps me quite a bit in my tasks-she's smarter than me anyway. At home, I work for her. We believe our success or failure in life will be completely judged on our success in Faminly , Ltd. Because it's the only thing we will do that resonates in earthly eternity. Grown ups make choices. What's important to you?

ST,
April 25, 2013 1:51 PM

Most working women I know with kids are working to provide for their families, not to have leather seats in their BMWs. I don't get this perception that successful working women must only be working so they can buy lavish things. If a woman wants a strong Jewish life for her family, that includes things that cost a LOT of money- dayschool tuition, synagogue membership, etc, and it is very hard to provide these things on just one salary these days.

(2)
L.S.,
April 23, 2013 5:57 PM

career/love

For the past 40 years there have been many women who have achieved career success and had wonderful marriages, children, etc. While you are single, you shouldn't wait around twiddling your thumbs and putting your life on hold. I suggest you try online dating. I am meeting more and more people who have met their basherts that way and it seems to work. It really is the perfect solution for busy people and will expand your options outside of your geographical region. Best of luck!

(1)
ST,
April 22, 2013 1:44 PM

There's more here

A 31 year old woman who has never been in a relationship, and turns down all suggestions of dates because they "don't sound so intereting"? I don't think it's this woman's job that is the problem. There is an underlying issue she is avoiding that she needs to address and it's not about work/life balance.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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