I Dont know what to do :(

by Jin
(Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

Hi there,I am sitting at work freaking out because I am getting an intense burning feeling in my tummy. My name is Jin and I have been severely bulimic for almost 4 years now. When I say severely bulimic I mean throwing up after every meal, binging at least once a day till I feel like my stomach will rip and being able to eat an absurd amount of food during one sitting. During my early stages I was unable to get the food out without sticking my fingers down my throat and forcing it out. Now it flows out of my mouth without even trying. Not to long ago I had a massive break down and decided I needed to get help and so I did. I had great support from my loved ones and I thought I was on the road to recovery. My vomiting went down to once a day, I ate healthy amounts and started gaining weight (I lost nearly Xkg because I was also a restrictive eater and exercised frequently hence I was underweight). It was the toughest 4 weeks of my life and I really struggled. With study, work, other commitments and this I was a mess. I felt as though the only way I could win was if I locked myself up for 6months and weened myself off this cycle. After 4 weeks of intense fighting I found myself slowly giving in. It started with eating what I called trigger foods once and vomiting it out. Then it increased to twice a day, three times a day, four, until I was back to eating and binging and vomiting constantly. Writing this I am at that stage. In fact just earlier I am 6 large dimsims, 1 large pasta, 1 large fried rice and satay chicken and then vomited as much as I could out. Now I am hungry. I don't know what to do. The issue is in the past I was really depressed and anxious about all of this. But today I feel neutral. I have no feeling when I binge. I have no feeling when I vomit. All I know is as soon as I come home from work and a piece of food touches my lips it goes on and on for at least 2 hours. Its like something takes over and I just go with it. Even writing this I know I am feeling terrible deep down somewhere but this neutral monster has kind of suppressed that feeling. The only time I freak out is if I feel fat and like I have put on a lot of weight. But then I feel better once I check to see if it is true and it's not. In the past I used to get anxious when seeing my weight increase but even with that I have this neutral feeling. its actually scary. I need help but I need to help myself. no one can help me. HOW DO I HELP MYSELF :(

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