How to Talk Your Way Into the Relationship You Want

How to painlessly DTR with the help of two communication tactics beloved by pros.

By
Dr. Wendy Walsh

Oct 26, 2015

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Your Best Year Ever continues! All throughout October, clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Walsh will help you untangle your heartstrings with just the right amount of tough (science-backed) love.

"I've never had a real boyfriend or been on a real date." The words made my jaw drop. They came from the mouth of a 25-year-old woman who was attending one of my book research parties. Her stories were about men who'd rather text and sext and "hang out" than date. While my purpose was to gain insight into the mating behaviors of the modern man, I had accidently stumbled on another phenomenon: modern women who don't know how to state their needs.

The first step to gaining insight into your needs is to dump any notion that you are too "needy." Wafting around our culture is the misconception that the urge to depend on someone else somehow signals character weakness, that healthy people should be independent. But, in truth, a healthy relationship relies on interdependence—partners taking turns caring for each other. If you're feeling too "needy," you're probably buying into the myth that to be desirable you have to play the idyllic Cool Girl, immune to hurt and up for whatever, buddy!

A relationship is an exchange of care, and we all deserve care and respect. We also need relationship definition. But getting those needs met is a delicate art. Here, two secret weapons for getting what you want our of your relationships.

Establish the System Early

I recently coached a young female executive through a Tinder search and a few early dating relationships (she actually just got married to one of those suitors!). Initially she balked when I told her to state her needs in the very first text. I told her to simply write, "Hey, I know this app has a bit of a reputation for being a HU site, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm looking for a long-term relationship."

Bam. There they were. Laid down right out in front of him. Her needs. At that point he had a choice to disappear or proceed knowing full well that he was dealing with a woman who isn't afraid to express what she wants. The other technique—remaining coy and flirty and letting him define the relationship—mostly leads to miscommunication and broken hearts. Better to set up the system of honesty and communication early on.

But if you don't have that luxury, be clear—and kind—about what you want.

Make Him a "Communication Sandwich"

Talking about tender topics can be terrifying; the fear of being dismissed or rejected, overwhelming. But there's a simple way to be heard every time: It's something we were taught in grade school, and it's called "making a communication sandwich." It can be used to shape the behavior of a slacking boyfriend or as a way to have the dreaded "What are we?" conversation.

First, timing is crucial. Find a quiet moment when he or she is not multitasking and has had a relatively good day. Then, begin to make your communication sandwich. Start by laying down a layer of compliments as the base. Next, stealthily slide in a carefully worded need. Then, top it off with another compliment. Trust me, his or her mind will be so fortified by the goodwill you are sending that they'll be more open to hearing the potentially difficult notes in the middle.

Here's an example: Your boyfriend isn't participating enough in planning an active social life. You've quickly moved from dressed-up dates to sweatpant couch nights and you'd like to mix with friends instead of feeling like his personal sex slave. First, here's how the conversation might go badly: "We never go out anymore! We never see anybody. You need to start being a better boyfriend or you might lose me."

If I were a betting woman, I'd put money on the fact that the only response a guy would offer to the above is criticism and denial. A good attack deserves a good defense. Now, here's how that criticism sounds within a communication sandwich: "Honey, have I told you lately how much I love you? We really click, and I love spending time at home with you. But can we find a strategy where we also get to see our friends sometimes? I need a bit more of a social life. And of course, I always love to show you off."

Hear the difference? It's easy to take in criticism when there's flattery involved. Kindness, empathy, and goodwill can go a long way in relationships. And learning to express your needs in intimate relationships is a skill that can sustain you for life.

Sometimes the hardest part about a relationship is figuring out what kind of relationship it is. Living in the uncertainty of an early dating relationship can be nerve racking. But if you are having sex with someone, you have a relationship with them (by definition), and it's never too early to have "the conversation." This isn't being clingy; it's just making sure everyone's on the same page. Your partner, for better or worse, cannot read your mind. If what you need is a monogamous sexual relationship, you have to let them know. This conversation doesn't have to start with "When's the wedding?" or even "Are you my boyfriend?" It could simply be something like, "Hey, it looks like we're both into each other. If we're hooking up, I'd like to be sexually exclusive while we get to know each other." If he says no, then no matter how hot, sweet, and charming he is, he isn't able to give you what you need right now. Know this: He's likely not a good investment.

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