and for a minute, I lost myself

this is what you'll get, this is what you'll get

Jul. 16th, 2007

37 years ago, give or take a week or two, I got my first ever present in the form of a record of this unknown dude that a friend of my parents thought might be going somewhere. Tonight, my parents took me to the unknown dude's concert. James Taylor. It was a good concert - his introductions and stories about his songs were really entertaining, and I probably would have had a fantastic time if I wasn't having a mini nervous breakdown. Or maybe it's full blown. It's a little too early to tell. i'm still awake because I really don't want to have a birthday tomorrow - or right now even, because then I am going to have to face the facts about where my life is, and where, just a month or two ago, I thought it would be right now.

This is complicated by the fact that Brian has changed his mind about me or us or something, but he's not letting go, and so far I haven't done a good job at making him. There's been communication which I've kept secret because it's shameful that I would even entertain the idea of talking to this guy who ripped my heart out. Keeping the secret might be worth it if it made me happy, but it's not truly because I know that he is not the guy for me. The guy for me is out there somewhere and here are two things I know about him; he likes to read books, and he doesn't mind singing along to Pete Seeger or motherfucking Justin Timberlake in the car. I hope I meet him before it's too late for to have children because i've realized that is one thing I would really like to do. Fuck. so i'm a bit of a shambles right now, I am cracked and stuff is oozing out the sides and I don't know how to mop it up.

In the mean time, i'm spending time in Second Life because I have a purpose there, and it takes me a lot longer to crash into walls there than it does in real life.

Jun. 17th, 2007

I did not get married today. I couldn't stop thinking about another me, living in a world a couple of clicks from this one who was getting married. I felt her with me all day, though she wasn't thinking about me, she was too busy.

We did have a very nice party with a great mix of people from Rock Point School, from the co-op, from Japan and of course my family. They were all there to support me and it wasn't even my birthday. Even my uncle Gene called to remind me to keep my heart and mind open. I didn't want it to end because it was impossible to for me to see beyond this day.

My modus operandi so far has been to take tihngs one at a time and to just keep plodding through, and to let myself cry whenever possible. Unfortunately, I've been still in the apartment with Brian so he sees it the most. there have been a lot of things in the past couple of weeks that lead me to beleive he's already seeing someone else. Covert phone calls and so on, and staying out all night. it baffles me that he could be so much of an asshole to not have the decency to at least wait until i'm out of the fucking house.

And I will be starting Monday. I got a keeyute apartment near downtown and i can nearly afford it. Plus it's NOT a studio and I won't have roomies so who cares if there is no oven? I can walk to and from work, and start to figure out who I am again.

Apr. 23rd, 2007

2 nights in a row, nightmares crafted so perfectly as to enable them to haunt me all day long, so twistedly that all comfort has left my bed. Poking me in all the right spots, tearing me apart. I am SO not going back to sleep tonight. They're to do with Grampa, maybe because we're burying him Mother's Day weekend. (I know, not my choice either. )

There are other theories too. The good part is that Brian and I have moved out - hence the middle of the night posting on the fizzast netz. Further goodness (and even I don't know if I meant that sarcastically) is that now we'll have M (his daughter) every other weekend with over nights. This past weekend was the first, and it was rough on me. Very. I clearly don't have the skills I need to parent her well, and I don't know how to go about getting them.

Because I need them - we're getting married in less than 2 months. I want to be a good parent to her. This past weekend I felt like she tested me and I failed. But hey! I get to try again soon!

Mar. 9th, 2007

Did you know that you if you have itunes, you can subscribe to all kinds of free pod casts? Like This American Life caliber of podcasts? It’s possible that I am coming to podcasts late, but it’s like itunes is my Christmas stocking and everyday some magical fairy puts new treats in there. All of the fun NPR stories, awesome BBC shows, and lotsa languages.

I listen to them at work when Martha's not here, and sometimes on the bus on the way home. It's like a smorgasbord in my ears!

(Brian, not an Apple fan, would point out here that one does not need itunes to get most or all of these wonderful things, but then I would point out that itunes makes it awfully easy, and you just need the player on your comp - you don't need to have a shuffle or a whatchamagiggity)

I swear, This American Life is my new religion. Laughing, crying, and generally rejoicing that life exists, it’s got it all. Especially the laughing part.

In other news, my favorite sign of last week will never see the light of day. Why? Well, because someone either was or might be offended that the new bathroom was for women only, so now it’s become a unisex bathroom. I’m old-fashioned, and while I was fan of Allie McBeal for a time, I won’t be using it without locking the door. I wasn’t really geeked about hearing anyone else pee anyway, so it’s all good. Except really silly, and now the world has been deprived of a fun sign.

In other other news, we are closer than ever to moving the heck out of the attic.

Mar. 4th, 2007

I am really antsy - it's too late to go out, and I spent all day inside.

I'm now doing the quarterly newsletter for Rock Point School, which is great. However it means that on the weekends I have "homework", which feels both good and terrible. I'm starting with another designer's file. Working with someone else's file is like trying to make a baked Alaska in a stranger's kitchen. It's extra cash though, and good for my resume whenever I might to write that again.

I'm trying to talk myself into a good mood here.

Yesterday was a Marin day. We took her on a roadtrip along with my Dad and my aunt Sara to a museum in Stowe. They're having an exhibition of the work of Vermont cartoonists of whom there are a surprising number. Marin is an excellent museum goer, especially for an 8 year old. I can't wait to blow her mind with the Museum of Science in Boston, and the Fine Arts Museum in Montreal.

What's amazing and humbling is to see Dad get to be a Grampa to her. He's great, ready for any question, ready to be silly, and ready to keep her in line. Somehow he manages to be right at her level without being condescending in any way. I get to re-experience what my childhood was like in some ways, and it reminds me just how damned lucky I am.

When Brian and I finally have our own place (cross your fingers) there won't be Marin days anymore - it'll be Marin weekends. I look forward to that so much. I want to make sure she knows she has a place with us. She often leaves something important behind - homework or a hat, and I think it's a way of making sure she'll see us again. I just hope I can be as good a third parent to her as my parents were to me. (I keep looking at the bookstore for advice on becoming a step-parent but there's nothing - isn't that strange?)

Mar. 13th, 2006

ok - I prolly shouldn't have deleted Moxiebramble - I just tried 3 times to log in to semagic using that name. But it felt like the right thing to do at the time. I'm not sorry.

This past Thursday, I got out of work a little early, and met Brian at the library. I'd scheduled a mental health/play hooky day for Friday, and I had Saturday and Sunday off, so we were together until this morning. And I still didn't ever imagine it could be this good.

We fit.

On Saturday we drove down to see Grampa. Grampa's been in the hospital with an infection, and it's weakened him. Grampa is dying, not of anything in particular, but of age. Right now, Grampa is too weak to be at home, so he's in a home, with the idea that he'll do some therapy and get strong enough to go home.

but he's angry, and terrified that he'll never ever get to go home, and he's been taking it out on Dad, and the nurses, and just seriously NOT being Grampa. If you saw The Soprano's last night, you know what I'm talking about. It's just lucky that Grampa doesn't have access to a gun. (I'm kidding, sorta)

Here's the thing though, Brian is so affable, so amenable, and just so wonderful, that the visit went very well. It helped a lot that Grampa was in a good mood, and perhaps I am one of the last people he'd take anything out on. The Home is a nice place as far as those places go, not too hospital-y, nice colors, and the staff seemed friendly.

We were able to take him out to Seward's, packing a wheelchair in the back of my car. It was a good visit overall. Grampa couldn't stop telling Brian how marvelous my dad is, I think out of some sort of knowledge of how tough he's been lately, and he also told him his nickname for me when I was wee.