A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH
Who wants a bird in the hand? All it’s gonna do is shit on you. On the upside of this one, where else can you hear the phrase ‘two in the bush’ unless you’ve rented something from that special shelf of the adult video store?

A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY EARNED
Yeah, until the criminals of Wall Street get a hold of it. Then it’s 16 cents for them while you’re re-gifting last year’s fruitcakes for Christmas.

BUYER BEWARE
The origins of this date to the very first brothels and it is a kinder, gentler way of reminding customers to check for the Adam’s Apple before selecting their paramour.

CAN’T GET BLOOD FROM A STONE
I am assuming this will be the title when they finally get around to making the Keith Richards bio-pic.

DEATH PAYS ALL DEBTS
Then why the fuck am I bothering to do so now? We’ll square up when I’m in the box.

DON’T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS BEFORE THEY ARE HATCHED
Depending on where you stand on the argument of when life begins, I believe eggs may need to be substituted into this one.

DON’T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATH WATER
This is just good advice as it will almost surely result in that talentless hag Nancy Grace running her mouth about you on cable every night until your trial is over.

EVEN THE BEST SONG BECOMES TIRESOME IF HEARD TOO OFTEN
Are you listening, radio programmers? Enough with the Air Supply already!

FOCUS ON WHAT’S RIGHT IN YOUR WORLD INSTEAD OF WHAT’S WRONG
Where is the fun in that?

GIVE A MAN A FISH AND YOU FEED HIM FOR A DAY; TEACH A MAN TO FISH AND HE’LL EAT FOREVER
Give that same man enough wine and he’ll pass out. Then you can keep your fish.

HAVE THE COURAGE OF YOUR CONVICTIONS
What if your conviction was for writing bad checks? Is that really building character moving forward?

JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED
This is the Biblical way of saying, ‘Oh no you di’n't!’ Things just sound more authoritative with lest and ye in them.

KNOW WHICH SIDE YOUR BREAD IS BUTTERED ON
Good advice for anyone out there who doesn’t want a hand smeared with butter.

LIGHTNING NEVER STRIKES THE SAME PLACE TWICE
Tell that to a lightning rod.

MUSIC HAS CHARMS TO SOOTHE A SAVAGE BEAST
In the event that it doesn’t work, though, I recommend playing it from a safe distance.

NEVER LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH
Have you ever seen a horse’s teeth? Nasty. This is definitely a good one to follow.

ONE SWALLOW NEVER MAKES A SUMMER
I’d say it depends on the swallow. Either way it can definitely make your day!

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
Not always. I’ve been unfortunate enough to see bar bands that disprove this time and time again.

QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY
George Carlin countered this one best. ‘I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five twos and I think that should count.’

ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY
Thank you, Captain Obvious. It takes years for these jackasses to resurface a section of the Beltway!

SMILES OPEN MANY DOORS
Yeah, but so do crowbars.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
Yes, that is why Ninjas and Samurais enter battle with PaperMate Flex Grip Gel Rollers.

TIME FLIES
Think of the Frequent Flyer miles time has racked up.

VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
Married people hate this proverb.

WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN
Unless you travel at or above escape velocity. For example, the Earth has a radius r of 6378 km and a mass M of 1 earth mass, so the escape velocity at the surface of the Earth is equal to 893 √(1⁄6378) = 11.2 km/s. This is approximately equal to 40,300 km/h or 24,200 mph.

YOU CAN’T WIN THEM ALL
You can if you cheat.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.