Friday, February 19, 2010

Coming to myself...

Eye asks:How long did it take for you to talk to anyone (blogging counts) about your sexuality since you found out/started to doubt?

LOL, I just started to write post about my "accepting myself" and you asked this question, but never mind I will try to publish both. Well, never mind, I will say it anyway here, but only small part. I started to doubt when I was like 7 grade (approximal about 14 years old) and I accepted myself when I was 17... So, I "came out to myself" 2 (soon 3) years ago. Yeah, I know, it's very long time, and I can even publish you my entries in my diary from that period (but it will be in that post about accepting myself which I will publish in some near future, I hope :P)...

It was very hard for me. Like I always liked boys, but didn't know what it meant, cause I was raised to understand that gay/bisexual/"different" is not so normal and in some way very bad. So first, I needed to concur that thought and then I needed to accept myself... That's why it took me for about 2 years. Also, after "coming out to myself" I come out to my best friend, like 20 days later. I've came out to myself on 2nd May 2007, and I came out to my friend around 21st of May (I don't know exactly when, but my diary does, and I will tell you later when I finish the post about accepting)... Exactly, I knew that I was "different" a long time, but I admitted and actually said it (write it in diary) on May 2nd, and I said it aloud on May 21 or something.

Can you imagine being 14 in 1964 and thinking I liked boys, but some magic switch would flip and I would like girls (sexually)? When I was 16 in 1966, I knew and admitted to myself that I was homosexual. I loved being homosexual, but it was scary because no one admitted publicly they were homosexual, and most homosexual guys were all pretending to be straight. I just didn't see any future for myself; very depressing! But I hung out with friends and got as much homosexual sex as I could. (and hoping they wouldn't rat me out!) Thank God it is better for young people today; at least the Internet gives a homosexual guy some validation and you can find another 'out' young guy. (and tell the straights to fuck off) At my age you are still left with the anger though, knowing your youth was robbed of your social life and sexuality. Its about time life stopped being unfair for homosexuals. On the plus side, the freedom was always nice!- Wayne

@Aek: LOL :)Well, I think that everybody have some uncertainty from time to time, I love to call them phases (sometimes I'm in the phase of liking girls and sometimes I'm in the phase of liking guys) :)

@Wayner: Man, that really sucks :( And it really sounds like my environment (with all that pretending to be straight and yeah, I also doesn't see my future here), but the only encouraging thing for me is that the most other part of the world is kinda free toward gays, so I plan to move there, and yeah, the Internet is really liberating... Man, you should really start some blog, I would like to hear your story.

Wow! I think I've told you before but i am really impressed that you keep track of such critical dates. I wish I did... well I don't know when was it exactly...I've always kinda felt I am different and I am not sure when did I first EVER admit it to myself, especially that I still go through those 'phases' you're talking about, so I don't know if can say already that I fully admitted it to myself...

@ Wayne:I am sorry man... But life is still hard for people like us... well, at least in my circumstances. I agree with B. I also would love to read about you; you should start blogging

@Sam: Well, I'm keeping a journal, so that's why I know... :) It's bit lame, but it's also really nice, soemthing like thiss, but even more open... LOL, I'm even thinking about publishing it one day, lol, maybe I will come out like that...

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