YOU KNOW YOUR COMPUTER IS GETTING OLD IF . . .
• Another day, another blown vacuum tube.
• CD-ROM speed — 45 rpm.
• The only chip inside it is a Dorito.
• To reboot it, you use a 12 oz hammer.
• The school won’t even take it as a donation – as a doorstop.
• Your new watch has more RAM.
• You call the repair shop and they say “Hey, its the museum guy on line one!’
• Stupid thing keeps calling you ‘Dave’.
• The ‘Num Lock’ on the abacus is broken.
• The hard disk is made of wood.
• Young guy who sold it too you is now a Wal-Mart greeter.
• You bought it yesterday.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Q Online” reports Bryan Adams is recovering at his London home after suffering a torn knee ligament and minor scrapes when he drove a motorcycle off a cliff in Jamaica a week-and-a-half ago . . . Shania Twain and producer/hubby Mutt Lange are reportedly working on her next album at their chateau in Switzerland (she’ll be yodelling melancholy grassroots ballads about trying to find good household staff) . . . “Nurse Betty” star Renée Zellweger has been purposely pigging out on PB&J sandwiches and pizza to put on pounds for her next role in “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and it seems to have worked TOO well – fashion mag “Harper’s Bazaar” has dumped her from its OCTOBER cover because she’s just plum porky . . . Word is MP3.com will relaunch its Internet music download service despite being ordered to pay $118 million in damages for copyright infringement (“I want my MP3 . . .”).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Gary Sinise and Tim Robbins in “Mission to Mars”, a sci-fi thriller about an attempt to rescue the doomed first manned mission to Mars . . . John Cusack stars in “High Fidelity”, a comedy about the ‘mid-life’ crisis of a thirty-something record-store owner.

OUT OF THE WOODS-WORK:
According to new stats from the National Golf Foundation, the number of 5 to 11-year-olds playing golf has more than doubled since 1986. (When Tiger turned 11.)

OLYMPIC NOTES:
• Each Olympic athlete in Sydney has been supplied with 51 condoms, even though many teams impose a sex ban during competition. They’d need to have sex 3 times a day for 17 days to use up their quota. (Do you get the feeling we need to add a new Olympic event?)
• NBC-TV has sold out commercial spots for the 2000 Summer Games, harvesting $900 million in revenue – a new Olympic record!

CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL:
According to a new Harvard study, cats really are smarter than dogs. The research used the standard human IQ scale and found that cats rated an average IQ of 7.2 while dogs rate 5.3.

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE POLL:
A new poll by University of Illinois researchers finds men and women differ on what they consider ‘comfort foods’. Women prefer chocolate and cookies while men pick soup, pizza and pasta. (We took an impromptu poll here in the studio and the favorite comfort food was — beer.)