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February 07, 2009

Poem: Another Day Another Scare

Posted by Anna Bennett (Poem by Vidal Alcolea)

Here is a third poem from the blog: Poetry on Dialysis. If DSEN were built of brick and wood, Vidal would be our artist in residence. His prose speaks to us, and speaks for us. He has a new blog: Poetry on Dialysis Continued, and he has allowed DSEN to cross post - for this we are truly enriched.

Vidal Alcolea is a published poet and artist. His book is available here. He has written this poem about dialysis, his first diagnosis, permcath placement and fear then resolve. This poem is just one of four all published in April 2008.

Another Day Another Scare by Vidal Alcolea

The nurses say, jokingly, that I'm not a veteran yet. When I am a veteran, I won’t feel so nervous about dialysis.

I see the other people who come to dialysis with me. They seem totally comfortable with what’s going on. I suspect that somehow they’ve been reduced to utter resignationby the circumstances, and accept the unpleasant procedure patiently.

Revolutionary ideas really are out of place in a dialysis facility. All you can do is take what comes and try not to get upset.

More often than not you want to pray that the force grant you serenity, at least.

Well, the nurses are right. I’m not a veteran. I was diagnosed with end stage renal failure three weeks ago. It all happened very suddenly, and I was told that I needed to have a catheter implanted in my jugular vein right away, as an access to my blood stream, because I needed dialysis immediately, given the ridiculously alarming results of my most recent blood test.

I had never been in such a situation before. The idea of letting someone stick a tube into my jugular was truly nauseating and fearful. I was standing in a very ample hospital room, with huge windows letting the sun light flow in and a distant view of green hills and snow-capped mountains. I just wanted to get out of the hospital, go to the bus station and buy a ticket to somewhere in those mountains, and lie in the sun, on the snow, to die.

I asked the doctor if there was an alternative. He said no. I would most likely die within days or weeks if I didn’t start dialysis. I said to him, very politely..." do you mind if I go in the bathroom and vomit?" he smiled kindly and said " my friend, go and do what you need to do. It’s a tough call for you. I understand" and I did go in the bathroom and gave in to the nausea, but could not actually vomit. Instead, I broke out in a cold sweat. When I came out of the bathroom,the doctor and the nurses where standing there waiting to begin the procedure. " I don’t know if I can do this" I said "I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I think I might rather die"

One of the nurses looked at me and said that some people who feel too old for the treatment choose to die, as do others who cannot stand the idea of depending on a machine for life, but a lot of people see dialysis as a positive thingwhich allows them to stay around their loved ones for a long period of time. ¨ I heard you have a two year old son" she said.

My little son’s beautiful face came to mind like a calming wind, his eyes, the colour of the ocean and filled with wonder, his smile...and I knew that, no matter what, I had to go through with this. It was just life. It was what happens to humans.

The dark night of the soul, if you will. I would go through it. Suddenly I felt calmer. I said to the doctor, "ok. Go ahead¨

As it turned out, the actual operation was quite painless. As it usually happens, the fear was more devastating than the reality.

That very day I went through dialysis for the first time. I can’t honestly say that it was a nice experience. But it is nice to get home every night and see my child and my wife.

Also, my perception of human existence is beginning to change because of my situation, and I think I understand the fragility of the human beings, and also their defects, a lot more deeply than before.