Please help me! gain some more perspective again

Hi all,

During the last 2years I've gotten so much issues regarding food,feeding wrong gut organisms&selftrust when it comes to eating food that makes me feel 'happy'. Also scared of macro's,as in too much carbs/fats etc. Which led me totally astray down a destructive path of eaating once a day at a buffetrestaurant(kinda inspired by 180DegreesHealth by raising metabolism stuff) and then keeping busy&go to the gym to make up for it.

And the feeling of never doing enough/having to exercise constantly (though I really don't know what to do anymore most days....started a kind of Stronglifts program.Unfortunately there's no CF here.),being scared by all the paleo-talks about IF,sitting too much,normal meal frequency,gaining weight etc. (I really can't watch tv comfortably anymore....)
I actually have to gain some weight,but during some anxious moments I'm afraid I'll get fat again (just like I was when the Lyme&Co started years ago though I didn't know it back then.)

I've gotten so much food-issues,falling off the wagon/binges etc.,scared by all the talks over here and Paleohacks etc.(I sometimes get the feeling the entire Paleo-community is even more BodyDismorphic as it's all about losing weight,bodyfat percentages etc.) I'd love to be able to eat 3healthy meals a day,but I also constantly worry about the practical aspect of all the preparing and wanting to be out of the house&go places.
I'd actually love to be able to enjoy starting to eat more (as I realistically know a bigger body needs more fuel) and feeling I'm doing enough(yes,I know about the post Mark wrote recently),like they for instance do on LiftBigEatBig though I'm not at all at those weights. I actually love the enthusiasm,deliciouslooking meals and 'naivety' this girl(though she doesn't call herself Paleo and not all of it is entirely 'considered Paleo') has when it comes to macro's/quantity eating much/foodgroups/exercise/'regular'meal pattern/body image etc/sitting too much etc..

I'm thinking about doing something like the Maker's Diet (though I unfortunately don't have the book nor finances to buy it,can't find a torrent of it either. I know GAPS is kinda the same but relies so much on broths,which I've tried to make a couple of times but always ended up throwing it away as it looked and tasted like nothing,despite having viewed/seen many how-to-videos on it.)
I guess I've been so scared,bc of my (medical)past,that I'm used to 'not feeling so good' and kicking myself in the ass to go on (back in the days 5 to 6days a week of 1hour High cardio....yet when I was done I usually feel mentally better/less anxious,still does it seems I'm just doing it with all the wrong reasons now to go to the buffetrestaurant&binge mostly on lots of icecream&whipped cream.Bc that's one of my other more practical problems,I love to eat tasty food however am a cooking noob&never really liked cooking/preparing stuff.)

I'm totally offbalance and sometimes 'secretly wish' I could go back to my days back then,when I was still 'naive'regarding food (I ate what I liked and yes mostly lowfat products,lots of bread/pasta/pizza and other pre-prepared food with lots of veggie oils,dining out,never cooked back then) and do my exercise before dinner,thinking of it now usually fasted bc I felt/feel most energetic on empty stomach though feeling hunger too but I never heard of such things back then,and then with my favorite breaddish or whatever get down tired on the couch while watching some kind of favorite show and staying worndown in front of the tv till bedtime and all other.)

So,can you help me get some perspective back? ......(i've been searching for good psychologist also because I'm a HighlySensitive Person,but haven't found one yet).

Also forgot to mention/ask if someone has a reliable list of veggies higher in free fructose than glucose? or mainly glucose foods? as I have fructose malabsorption,apart from the fact that it disrupts me mentally/hormonally and messes with my satiaty.

And the feeling of never doing enough/having to exercise constantly (though I really don't know what to do anymore most days....started a kind of Stronglifts program.Unfortunately there's no CF here.),being scared by all the paleo-talks about IF,sitting too much,normal meal frequency,gaining weight etc. (I really can't watch tv comfortably anymore....)
I actually have to gain some weight,but during some anxious moments I'm afraid I'll get fat again (just like I was when the Lyme&Co started years ago though I didn't know it back then.)

That's all bollocks.

Sorry to use bad language, but I think it's warranted here. Take no notice.

I've gotten so much food-issues,falling off the wagon/binges etc.,scared by all the talks over here and Paleohacks etc.(I sometimes get the feeling the entire Paleo-community is even more BodyDismorphic as it's all about losing weight,bodyfat percentages etc.) I'd love to be able to eat 3healthy meals a day,but I also constantly worry about the practical aspect of all the preparing and wanting to be out of the house&go places.

Yes, some of them are unfortunately. You know it: so resolve not to be the same.

I think you need to listen to this -- this will give you some perspective:

And then, having heard it, maybe give even thinking about dietary needs a rest.

Just eat three normal-sized meals a day -- you know the stuff: meat and fish and vegetables with a little fruit and some nuts, accompanied with some good fats. I'd forget torrenting anything else or getting any more books. Do the basics. Get 20 to 40 minutes of exercise around three times a week, and don't be persuaded by anyone who says "more is better". Don't fret and remember to get your sleep.

If you feel distressed, stop yourself. Go and put some music on and listen to it. If you find your mind wandering, come back to the present and pay attention to the music again.

What 'stresses' me most is that I want to eat 3 tasty meals,it's just that I practically don't know how to go about/handle it.....since I've never been a kitchenprincess so to say and especially when I have an appointments/want to be out. (Digestionwise I've noticed that eating 'rushed' really isnt that good for me).
Regarding this it'd be great if I had an at home/indepent job being able to regulate my own hours,yet I currently can't stand the fact of being home a lot/during the day....and I also always loved having colleagues(provided they're nice) and I also discovered I kinda love harder physical labourjob outside. (I actually am jobless and hopelesly searching for jobs fitting this term,but can't find anything/also kinda clueless as to what jobs all fit this description....also bc I lack the correct experience&degree.....and bc I'm a woman,which they obviously don't state in such words.)

I guess my body due to so many years of not knowing even way before Paleo, is used/addicted to high Cortisol levels.

If you can't tackle that stress with meditation, which isn't something everyone wants to do, you might try listening to music.

To slow yourself down at mealtimes you could try eating in a "mindful" manner. That's also a form of meditation. Just slowing down, not thinking about other things, and paying attention to what you're doing and all the smells and tastes.

Maybe while looking you could find some voluntary work. I've done that in the past while unemployed -- it gets you out and doing something and it's also something to put on a CV.

If you can't tackle that stress with meditation, which isn't something everyone wants to do, you might try listening to music.

To slow yourself down at mealtimes you could try eating in a "mindful" manner. That's also a form of meditation. Just slowing down, not thinking about other things, and paying attention to what you're doing and all the smells and tastes.

Maybe while looking you could find some voluntary work. I've done that in the past while unemployed -- it gets you out and doing something and it's also something to put on a CV.

Hi Dutchie, it sounds to me like you need to relax a little and feel free to take time and care to look after yourself. I think Lewis has some very helpful suggestions. Maybe you will learn to like preparing food if you do it with a sense of appreciation for how delicious and good it is for you, you could even find yourself making something to share with a neighbour.

I indeed do voluntary work to keep busy but also try to get some experience to put on my resume. That's one of the things I meant as in I don't know how to go about it all,while being out.

@Annieh yes it's taking care of myself/loving myself that's always been the problem,even through years of therapy,for some reason there has always been a self-destructor inside of me. I've actually been to a medium today,who warned me that if I keep on going like this I'll soon probably end up dead........the sad part of it actually is,that I should be alarmed&scared by it,yet it doesn't affect me at all.

I indeed do voluntary work to keep busy but also try to get some experience to put on my resume. That's one of the things I meant as in I don't know how to go about it all,while being out.

@Annieh yes it's taking care of myself/loving myself that's always been the problem,even through years of therapy,for some reason there has always been a self-destructor inside of me. I've actually been to a medium today,who warned me that if I keep on going like this I'll soon probably end up dead........the sad part of it actually is,that I should be alarmed&scared by it,yet it doesn't affect me at all.

I think the person was wrong to frighten you like that. And how in any case do you know he or she wasn't reading your anxiety, which would have been pretty much obvious from the way you looked and spoke? I wouldn't put too much on it.

You know what's starting to show up as helpful for anxiety? Omega 3s specially DHA. The US Army is trialling their use, because they're worried about the mental health of combat troops. If I were you I'd make sure you eat some coldwater oily fish at least 3 times a week. You might also temporarily supplement with a little good quality fish oil - but use sparingly and prefer the whole fish.

And do get the regular meals in, not worrying at all about weight and all that. Skip even reading the paleo websites, particularly those that have unhelpful bodyshape obsessions.

I'll suggest again to try listening to music. I guess you will be walking regularly, which a lot of people in your position wouldn't be, and that's good. Maybe pay a trip to the library and see what you can find of interest to read there -- something other than health stuff? Now would be a good time to read a big fat novel that's not going to raise any anxities and has a positive view of life -- something like Lord of the Rings.

Thanx I eat fatty fish daily.
I've noticed lot of it also has to do with sunlight,or more lack off on the current rainy days over here even though I supplement but probably don't take it up the right way.
And then there's also the die-off....