Partial Discovery

I'm either gay or bi. Sexuality is playing a larger part in my like than it should. This happened roughly around the end of eight grade. One person accepting me brought me out of depression.

Scared I sat on my bed crying amidst a pool of tears. My eyes were like waterfalls. Through a slip of words I told a girl about my true crush. I liked my best friend, a guy who would never reciprocate my feelings with anything more than friendship and far more likely hatred. Everyday my feelings grew like a cup being filled with water until thoughts burst into words. I made her promise not to tell anyone. I knew the promise would be broken by the end of the week. In a small school like mine everyone compensated with big mouths. On the ride from school to my house I was frozen with a statuesque expression on my face. Walking to my bedroom a wave of emotion hit me. I collapsed the feelings of affection I had felt turned to anxiety. Would my parents consider me a walking taboo? I knew the ridicule kids received for the tiniest difference. My head throbbed with possibilities. I fell asleep on a pillow soaked through with my tears. When I woke up several hours later there was a moment of peace before the memories of the previous day came flooding back. Picking up the phone I slowly dialed the number of one of my closest friends. I could not stop the spread of rumors but I wanted my friends to know the unadulterated truth. I had a crush on her old boyfriend. I prayed that she would not pick up. When she picked up my heart dropped. I sat in silence for a few seconds then the truth started pouring out. A damn had broken and secret after secret flowed from my mouth. Pausing for a second she told me she had a crush on a girl in our class. The tears of the day before took new form as I laughed. I felt warmth in knowing I was not alone. The weight on my heart from keeping a secret had been lightened slightly. I still have my secret it’s better to live a lie than to open a Pandora’s Box of feuding in my family. Things get better little by little. Even baby steps are important. Baby steps keep us sane.

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