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Month / June 2005

in the last 2 weeks i have been streched more than i can think of since… ever. it’s the feeling of being in a place with a spiritual foundation and then being able to reach higher because you know the foundation is secure. highlights if you want to call them that:

the kingdom vision: the gospel of Christ is not just the death and resurrection, but using all parts of ourselves (our jobs, our sex lives, our callings) for God’s kingdom

saturday: spent the morning in quiet reflection where i spoke to no one and just thought and was ministered by the silence

this is one of the very few entries i’m going to have this next six weeks. i wanted to let you all know that staff training is amazing. the people here and the Godliness is incredible. i can’t think of any other place i’d want to be. however, we don’t have a lot of internet access or anything to that effect,and i’m tending to stay away from it as is. however, i’m keeping a journal and will post a few things when i think of it.

if you don’t mind humoring me, i want to continue where i left off yesterday.

i said that sometimes the choice of character over comfort is not one i am always apt to make. i hasten to say the broad majority of men are in the same boat as i am – where there is a choice to be made that we know is right, but decide to choose something that is not as right (though not wrong) for the benefits of feeling better. i have found that character/comfort runs on a bell curve, where it is easiest to do nothing because it leaves one in the same state he or she is in. if one must make a choice that puts character ahead (either in a positive or negative way), it results in a loss of comfort, a loss of the status quo. that is why one can find the majority of men and women of the world in various shades of morality and character, and often just wandering aimless through life.

as someone who wants to take his walk with God seriously, walking aimless is not part of the equation. i feel i have to pursue Godliness with more than just a passing interest – it must envelop my life. and that means I conform my character to the likeness of Christ in every thought, action, and deed. so, if i choose comfort instead of character, i in essence choose comfort over Christ, which might seem pleasing at the time, but obviously has ramifications surpassing the decision.

for clarification’s sake, i am not talking about the creature comforts. i am a full believer in Christians having nice homes, sending their children to nice schools, and retiring at 35 whenever possible. i am talking more specifically about situations that could easily fit in the world’s grey zone of morality. swearing, conspicuous consumption, and random physical interactions are issues that most people look at with little judgment. it is these exact things which can be reflections of character, but often times it is easier (dare i say more comfortable?) to go along with the majority opinion than to stand against it, if for no other reason that it is against at minimum your nature, and at most God’s nature.

if this logic makes sense to anyone, please leave a comment. i do not want to be grasping at straws here.

as i sit here tonight and reflect on this, my question is whether or not my character has ceded to comfort too many times, causing my malaise. if i have, the solution is simple – choose Christ-like character, even if it means turning down some things that i might have rather done. but at 22, that is much easier said than done (though, i suppose that could be said for any age).

it is time for me to go to sleep. i hope to talk to you all soon. peaceandlove

one, i watched “the life aquatic” and realized that i like wes anderson movies, even though i do not really want to. what i mean to say is that when i watch a movie such as “the life aquatic” or “the royal tennenbaums”, they express roughly the same idea, that of washed up individuals making the best out of a lackluster life and come to grips much too late. i feel distressed by it. anderson has a subtle way of relating the characters to the audience that makes one feel sympathy beyond what would normally come from a movie. on a few occasions i felt real pain for steve zissou’s character, because i could, in my own way, feel the pains of loss he had. it was interesting, a movie i would not have spent seven dollars to watch in a theatre (probably not four for a matinee, either), but in the comfort of my own home and for 3.50, not too bad. along those lines would be “i heart huckabees”, which was an existentialist/nihilist lecture i received in spec mind two years back in a two hour glitzy package.

i feel that with those two movies and “zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance” i’ve done more brainwork in the last three weeks than i did the entire year at school. well, at least the majority of the last semester.

two, i wanted to put a part of my dear friend scott loresch’s journal in here, because i found it so insightful (as he is on multiple occasions):

~*~
[after being struck by a short inspiration to write] …i think that the Holy Spirit works like that sometimes–at least in my life.
here’s a typical interaction

I’m dumbfounded by my own freedom. That’s power. With all the potential to grow me into something worthwhile or to turn me into something else. I can’t deny that the HS gives me guidance, but sometimes maybe I expect the HS to hold my hand, or something, but where’s the value in that? What lasting effect would that have on my character? To make a puppet out of me? There are real choices to be made here. Not that I have any great understanding of freedom or will or choice [an ignorance which is well stated by Charles Williams [[colleague and friend of lewis]] see two entries down…], all of which are undefined [or poorly defined] terms in my vocab, essentially, except relative to the extreme determinacy which seems to be not the case.
~*~

lately this is something that has bothered me quite a bit. in my heart of late, i have felt not necessarily complacent, but rather neutral to God and my walk. it is much of what you hear when people say they are in dead-end jobs: they go to work, mindlessly shift papers and go home at the end of the day. the fire that so often was in my life has been barely embers and ash. the worst part is my desire to feel more aligned with the Spirit is higher than i can remember. i want to walk closer with God, but He feels distant. maybe i expect the Holy Spirit to hold my hand. it is a lonely feeling, one i want to be done with (or, at least i’m telling myself i want to be done with it. the choice of character over comfort is something i can talk about but cannot always follow through on).

anyway, that is enough for tonight. i am going to see my apartment in erie tomorrow, and getting ready to head to beaver falls and geneva. those feelings are an entire entry on their own. peaceandlove

more to let you all know about, i suppose. so far this summer has revolved around relaxation and reflection about college and how many of those events shaped my life. and it has been a good thing, because i think i unearthed things i needed to think about. have you ever had a feeling where there is something you have not explored because you did not have the time, and then when you do, your mind wanders through it more thoroughly than you would like? that’s been my shtick for the last three weeks. i will be driving some place, and a thought will jump into my head and make me momentarily angry, but then i begin to rationalize and work the thought out. before long, i am back to normal. i guess if there is something coherent in my jagged recollections it is that i wish towards the end i put my energy in the things that mattered. i always talk about the 80/20 rule (basically, 80 percent of effects come from 20 percent of causes and vice versa), and i wish i would have been more attentive to the 20 percent of individuals who really meant something to me. i probably would have been 80 percent happier. but, no stopping time, and you can never do anything more than see a reflection – you cannot touch nor change it. There is no use in trying.

i am reading “zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance” by robert pirsig, and it is phenomenal thus far, but i still have about a quarter of the book to complete before i can really pass full judgment. it is a philosophy primer in a semi-autobiographical package, and when barnes and noble said it was a good summer read, i believed them and they were right. kudos to b&n.

to close this entry, i am going to give you a series of new journal rules i am imposing on myself. hopefully they will provide a more pleasant read for those of you who still want to read:

1. no quizzes. none of you deserve to see the personality type of my alter-ego who is going to rob a bank and sleep with natalie portman. it is not legitimate writing, and that should be the majority of my journal.

2. shorter entries. sans this one, because you have rules tacked on the end. if i want to write more, i will save it for the next day, serving two purposes: one, less to read at once; and two, more updates. also, this means i am more apt to follow the third rule:

3. proofread. this is a personal issue for me. i need to continue working on proofing and grammar and style, so why not practice on something i want to write for free as opposed to something i am not nearly as enthusiastic about for a grade.

this is the 2nd chapter of the adam anderson journal saga. i decided to quit with the first one because it was my college career, and i felt it should stay at that. so this is to record the experiences that happen after college and soon in cco and my job at gannon.

you will also notice i decided to go with the artsy no-capital letters type. sexy, no?