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The Eight Hottest (and Not-est) New Vehicles at the New York Auto Show

New York may boast the lowest rates of vehicle ownership of any U.S. metropolis, with more than half of the city’s households foregoing the purchase of a car. But the New York Auto Show—which just opened to the public at the Javits Center this weekend and runs through April 15—still regularly draws the highest attendance rates of any American car convention, with its 10-day visitor count topping one million. Now featuring more manufacturers, displays, and performative mishegas than ever before, the show can easily become a navigational nightmare. Lucky for you that we attended the press preview last week, and put together this crib sheet. Click through the category-specific slide show to uncover the eight all-new vehicles you should steer toward at this year’s show, and the eight from which you should motor away.

The Eight Hottest (and Not-est) New Vehicles at the New York Auto Show

SUPER SPORTS CAR

Hot: SRT Viper—This cold-blooded American muscle missile returns after a two-year hiatus, still adhering to its familiar recipe of tethering an enormous engine, by the barest possible mechanisms, to a pair of seats. Now it’s even more venomous, and this time boasts an interior that doesn’t look like it was made by inmates in a prison microwave.

Not: Shelby Mustang 1000—This much massaged pony boasts 1,000 horsepower—which should be just enough to instantly turn its rear wheels, and drivers, to smoke. It also features distended styling that makes it look as though the car was asked to hold its breath and count backwards, slowly, through its eponymous horsepower rating.

BLAND SEDAN

Hot: Chevrolet Impala—This year’s model marks the first time since the late Johnson administration that the appearance of Chevy’s bread-and-butter four door would not be improved by a collision with the African gazelle for which it was named.

Not: Nissan Altima—Nissan’s latest overwrought entry in the family-sedan category is less middling and more . . . puddling; like a fat guy wearing a tight tank top, it bulges and furrows in all the wrong places.

Photo: Photographs By Brett Berk.

UPSCALE BLAND SEDAN

Hot: Toyota Avalon—The previous Avalon looked like a 1955 Hamilton-Beach toaster with four slices of Wonder bread stuck inside. This one looks like a DeLonghi Panini press with a smidgen of delicious French cheese oozing out.

ALL-WHEEL-DRIVE FIVE DOOR

Hot: VW Alltrack—This jacked-up hauler is based on the superior—though narrower, and thus un-American—European version of the brand’s Passat sedan. This means it conforms to all of Stick Shift’s requisite conditions for wagon-lust, diesel power plant included. It also means it probably won’t be Alltrcak-ing itself stateside any time soon, or ever.

Not: BMW X1—Yet another niche-y, over-inflated BMW crossover (this brings the brand’s American total to five). Happily, it is not a coffin-shaped nail in the coffin of our beloved 3 Series wagon, which will still apparently be brought to the American market later this year.

Photo: Photographs By Brett Berk.

FOUR-DOOR COUPÉ

Hot: Fisker Atlantic—This younger brother to the strapping Karma sedan looks both fast and imposing, even going nowhere. (Speaking of which, reports say that Fisker’s battery troubles are nearing an end [http://green.autoblog.com/2012/04/05/fisker-may-change-plans-on-delaware-production-details-karma-tr/ ].)

Not: BMW 6 Series Gran Coupé—A four-door version of the two-door version of the four-door 5 Series. Less taut than tautology.

CURVACEOUS CONVERTIBLE

Hot: Porsche Boxster—All the same sticky/speedy Boxster deliciousness, but now longer, stiffer, and lighter—a trinity of adjectives that we revere.

Not: Lincoln MKZ—Even with its “new” retracting glass roof (previously seen revolutionizing the Porsche 911 Targa . . . in 1996) this baroque Lincoln has about as much chance of giving Ford’s shambolic luxury brand a Cadillac-style reinvention as it does of beating the 911 around the Nürburgring.

Photo: Photographs By Brett Berk.

OFF-ROAD VEHICLE

Hot: Terrafugia Transition—Sure, it’s gawkish and scary, but our childhood awe of the Space Age renders us powerless against flying cars, particularly ones that stand a real chance of being F.A.A. certified this year, and begin whizzing about from a highway to airway near you.

Also hot: Maseryacht—We get seasick easily, prefer not to be out of sight of land, and don’t even own a pair of deck shoes, but our mizzenmasts were still raised by this 70-foot, $8 million, record-setting, carbon-fiber sailboat, branded everywhere—and, for once, with seafaring propriety—with our beloved Maserati trident.

Photo: Photographs By Brett Berk.

SUPER SPORTS CAR

Hot: SRT Viper—This cold-blooded American muscle missile returns after a two-year hiatus, still adhering to its familiar recipe of tethering an enormous engine, by the barest possible mechanisms, to a pair of seats. Now it’s even more venomous, and this time boasts an interior that doesn’t look like it was made by inmates in a prison microwave.

Not: Shelby Mustang 1000—This much massaged pony boasts 1,000 horsepower—which should be just enough to instantly turn its rear wheels, and drivers, to smoke. It also features distended styling that makes it look as though the car was asked to hold its breath and count backwards, slowly, through its eponymous horsepower rating.

BLAND SEDAN

Hot: Chevrolet Impala—This year’s model marks the first time since the late Johnson administration that the appearance of Chevy’s bread-and-butter four door would not be improved by a collision with the African gazelle for which it was named.

Not: Nissan Altima—Nissan’s latest overwrought entry in the family-sedan category is less middling and more . . . puddling; like a fat guy wearing a tight tank top, it bulges and furrows in all the wrong places.

Photographs By Brett Berk.

UPSCALE BLAND SEDAN

Hot: Toyota Avalon—The previous Avalon looked like a 1955 Hamilton-Beach toaster with four slices of Wonder bread stuck inside. This one looks like a DeLonghi Panini press with a smidgen of delicious French cheese oozing out.

ALL-WHEEL-DRIVE FIVE DOOR

Hot: VW Alltrack—This jacked-up hauler is based on the superior—though narrower, and thus un-American—European version of the brand’s Passat sedan. This means it conforms to all of Stick Shift’s requisite conditions for wagon-lust, diesel power plant included. It also means it probably won’t be Alltrcak-ing itself stateside any time soon, or ever.

Not: BMW X1—Yet another niche-y, over-inflated BMW crossover (this brings the brand’s American total to five). Happily, it is not a coffin-shaped nail in the coffin of our beloved 3 Series wagon, which will still apparently be brought to the American market later this year.

Photographs By Brett Berk.

SUPER GRAND-TOURING CONVERTIBLE

Hot: M6 Convertible—We’ve always had a soft spot for stately G.T.’s ragtops, especially ones with 560-horsepower engines burning behind their sneering fascias, as they are cars for mature gentlemen, and we anticipate a brief and profligate time in our middle age when we’ll be able to get away with driving one—top down, A/C blasting—and look handsome and successful, instead of simply old.

Not: Mercedes SL 65 AMG—Stateliness has its limitations. Not even the twin-turbo, V-12 Hadron Collider under the hood of this flagship can cure the new SL of its clumsy lines and too-wide stance.

Photographs By Brett Berk.

FOUR-DOOR COUPÉ

Hot: Fisker Atlantic—This younger brother to the strapping Karma sedan looks both fast and imposing, even going nowhere. (Speaking of which, reports say that Fisker’s battery troubles are nearing an end [http://green.autoblog.com/2012/04/05/fisker-may-change-plans-on-delaware-production-details-karma-tr/ ].)

Not: BMW 6 Series Gran Coupé—A four-door version of the two-door version of the four-door 5 Series. Less taut than tautology.

Top, photograph by Ian Merritt; bottom, photograph by Brett Berk.

CURVACEOUS CONVERTIBLE

Hot: Porsche Boxster—All the same sticky/speedy Boxster deliciousness, but now longer, stiffer, and lighter—a trinity of adjectives that we revere.

Not: Lincoln MKZ—Even with its “new” retracting glass roof (previously seen revolutionizing the Porsche 911 Targa . . . in 1996) this baroque Lincoln has about as much chance of giving Ford’s shambolic luxury brand a Cadillac-style reinvention as it does of beating the 911 around the Nürburgring.

Photographs By Brett Berk.

OFF-ROAD VEHICLE

Hot: Terrafugia Transition—Sure, it’s gawkish and scary, but our childhood awe of the Space Age renders us powerless against flying cars, particularly ones that stand a real chance of being F.A.A. certified this year, and begin whizzing about from a highway to airway near you.

Also hot: Maseryacht—We get seasick easily, prefer not to be out of sight of land, and don’t even own a pair of deck shoes, but our mizzenmasts were still raised by this 70-foot, $8 million, record-setting, carbon-fiber sailboat, branded everywhere—and, for once, with seafaring propriety—with our beloved Maserati trident.