Herman Cain’s Women Problem

How Jewish guidelines of male-female relationships could have helped.

Many years ago I worked for a company and had a boss who was different from any other executive I had known till that point in my professional life. My boss, Glenn, famously never went out to lunch with any single woman in the office. By "single" I don’t necessarily mean unmarried. He would only go out for lunch with a female if at least one other person – male or female – joined them. To Glenn, three wasn’t a crowd, it was an insurance policy.

He was also married and known to be a religious Christian, and no doubt his faith-based principles informed his policies about lunching with work associates. Way back then, I was still in the early stages of exploring what traditional Judaism had to say to me – a young woman who naturally wanted to be modern and progressive, as I defined it. I thought my boss was astonishingly old-fashioned, but I also secretly admired him for the care he took in safeguarding his marriage and his reputation.

I couldn’t help but think of Glenn this past week as presidential hopeful Herman Cain fights off accusations of sexual harassment by a growing number of women. Of course, it’s easy to accuse, and as of yet nothing seems clearly and irrefutably damning. Jewishly speaking, we are not allowed to believe allegations of wrongdoing without sufficient evidence. But the media blitz surrounding Cain has already done tremendous and possibly fatal damage to his campaign.

When I worked for Glenn, I was so new to Jewish teachings that I didn’t even realize that his scruples about socializing with women other than his wife closely followed Jewish guidelines. Judaism teaches that men and women who are not married to one another or not close relations (such as sister and brother), should never be in secluded contact with one another. And a married man or woman should also avoid socializing for its own sake with other women or men, even over lunch.

In Judaism, many of the laws that regulate our behavior are protective layers against our own weaknesses.

Of course, in today’s world the lines between work and socializing are increasingly blurred, which makes following these guiding principles much trickier. After all, certain things are expected in the professional world that can cross that safety line, and Jews who are trying to adhere to mitzvot have to make decisions every day that test how they will be perceived by colleagues, and perhaps their chances for professional advancement. For example, you want to avoid a gathering at a bar after work to celebrate the completion of a project, will you be seen as anti-social? And if you are seen as anti-social, might you be passed over for a promotion? These and other situations are ones that many Jews wrestle with regularly.

There’s a famous saying that "fences make good neighbors," and that aphorism is very apt here. In Judaism, many of the laws that regulate our behavior are protective layers against our own weaknesses. They are a tacit acknowledgment that even good men and women can find themselves in situations where they will be vulnerable to human weakness, or exploitative behavior by someone who might one day become either the accuser or the accused. In Jewish parlance, these measures are often known as "fences," and it’s easy to see why. If Herman Cain or any of the women who have accused him of inappropriate or exploitative behavior had stayed behind the “fence,” they might have remained friendly acquaintances instead of hostile adversaries.

Herman Cain is only the latest in an ongoing parade of influential or famous men to be accused of sexual impropriety, and others are sure to follow. And with an increasingly slippery definition of what constitutes “inappropriate” behavior, we can’t rely even on these “fences” to offer a fool-proof guarantee against allegations like this. For that, we’d need more of a Berlin Wall, which creates a different kind of repression.

Jewish laws guiding male-female relations may seem not only old-fashioned but overly restrictive, but the maelstrom engulfing Herman Cain is a good reminder that these laws are actually liberating for both men and women. When you keep this safety net around your relationships, you’d be hard-pressed to find yourself the object of unwanted advances. You’d also be a much harder target for allegations in the first place.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Judy Gruen is the author of several books, including the newly released The Skeptic and the Rabbi: Falling in Love with Faith. Her work has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, Boston Globe, Jewish Action, and many other media outlets. She is also a writing coach and book editor. Read more about her at www.judygruen.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 45

(31)
Tzvi,
April 4, 2017 9:21 AM

Long Overdue

This is not only TORAH wisdom, but healthy and safe professional logic. As a teacher, it's a rule of thumb that the teacher NEVER be in a room alone with a student- with a closed door. Often I will put a trash can in the doorway to prevent potential YICHUD issues.
Leave the completely private discussions to the nurse, guidance councilors, and crisis intervention teams. Keep your professional distance- and your conscience clear. That just might save your job-and potentially your freedom.

(30)
Anyim Jones,
November 29, 2011 9:57 PM

Too bad Judaism is so exclusive and does not evangelize. The world could use some of the teachings from the Torah!

(29)
willy,
November 20, 2011 5:45 AM

you make an great point. when I worked at fords until some of them got to know me I was asked to join them after work. I always said the same thing. No thanks, I I am going home to my wife. there is not an women on this earth that interest me besides my wife. After 30 years of marriage it is still the same. For me this is an area that has never interested me.

(28)
Ken,
November 16, 2011 7:37 PM

A friend of mine has posted her comments condemning Mr. Cain on her web site. However, as a 43 year old mother, she has had multiple affairs as well as husbands. Many times those condemning others are most guilty of the same (or worse) behavior.

(27)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2011 10:10 AM

Why, why, why -DELILAH!

Surely the story of Samson and Delilah in Torah should put the whole sorry saga in perspective. The lady is alive and well and living in the USA.

(26)
Jan Ciprys,
November 15, 2011 10:01 PM

Our proaction.

Amen.
This article is not about guilty or not guilty of Herman
Cain.Hi is only example why we need Torah and all laws as our protection and for our happiness.

(25)
Stuart,
November 15, 2011 8:01 PM

Author Owes Mr. Cain an Appology

The author says "Of course, it’s easy to accuse, and as of yet nothing seems clearly and irrefutably damning. Jewishly speaking, we are not allowed to believe allegations of wrongdoing without sufficient evidence" and then proceeds to damage Mr.Cain by using him as an example. Have the lessons of Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur already been forgotten? The author owes Mr. Cain an appology.
It is ashame because the author makes excellent points but then ruins it by helping to tarnish someone else. Media blitz or no media blitz, what the author did is just plain wrong.

Alan S.,
November 16, 2011 9:54 PM

Wherein do you think that the author libeled or damaged Cain. She clearly said that he is "accused of sexual impropriety". This is a fact. Is she not allowed to report what is in the media? She did not tarnish anyone.

(24)
Steve Skeete,
November 15, 2011 4:22 PM

Judging Cain

Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty"? An accusation or an allegation is that only until it is demonstrated to be otherwise. I hold no brief for Mr. Cain, but any female can cry sexual harassment and/or rape.Many who have done so in the pass have been unable to support their claim. Remember Clarence Thomas? He was not only accused of harassment but tried before a watching world. Many still believe Ms. Hill even though her story was more investigated than propbaly any other in history. I agree with what Ms. Gruen says about fences, but women tell lies as well, and we should wait until the jury returns with a verdict before rushing to judge Mr. Cain.

(23)
Alan S.,
November 15, 2011 1:24 AM

People...keep in mind that the comment about fences is a metaphor. Ms. Gruen smartly makes the point that a separation or barrier, be it physical or mental, can help people keep their moral compasses set properly.

(22)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2011 10:31 PM

I agree

I agree whole heartedly. It is really difficult to manage some of these things. I really appreciated how simply you put this.

(21)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2011 6:26 PM

Judy makes a good point

about how to conduct yourself in public. Again, religious guidelines show a lot of common sense for secular problems.
But to the poster who said "Nancy Polosi became the first female Speaker. Mrs. Polosi is a highly respected woman by virtually all with the exception of one Herman Cain' ... uh, where are you getting that information? I've read posts on Facebook from gay guys calling her a witch and words that rhyme with it. Newt has said anyone dealing one-on-one with Nancy has referred to her confrontational attitude and heavy-handed approach in derogatory terms.
She has a difficult personality and I don't see how saying that in a colorful way makes him a misogynist. I"VE said worse about Pelosi; I'm female. What does that make me?
We need to stop parsing people's words in this country and go with the intended meaning: Cain doesn't like Nancy Pelosi's ideology. Period.

(20)
Diane Peters,
November 14, 2011 4:33 PM

title of article

Shouldn't the title of an article about a man accused by many women of sexual harassment be titled something more appropriate. The women are not the problem. His behavior is the problem.

Steve,
November 15, 2011 4:43 PM

guilty w/o evidence?

The summary says it all, and I agree with the articles statement
"we are not allowed to believe allegations of wrongdoing without sufficient evidence." By your thinking, anytime a man is accused by a woman of something, he is automatically guilty. It's not unheard of for people, men or women, to attack someone who is making political advancement just for the sake of destroying their reputation. The other "ladies" wouldn't even come forward with names, only allegations were put forward. Ask yourself this, if someone truly made an advance on you, you then came forward with the information, would you remain hidden or would you face the accused knowing you are justified in your course of action?
However, he should not have put himself in this situation, for that he has to face the judgement of a nation on his credibility.

(19)
Daniel Morgenbesser,
November 14, 2011 4:00 AM

So what

Even if this did occur, so what? He made a mistake, as we all have in our past.

Alan S.,
November 15, 2011 1:08 AM

The "so what" is that poor repetitive behavior speaks to his general fitness for office. Mistakes and successes should all be considered when evaluating any person for any job.

Rachel,
November 15, 2011 4:18 AM

A Mistake??? He & that assistant coach at Penn State....

I'm sorry but if Mr. Caine did what women are claiming, that is not a mistake, that is at minimum sexual harrassment and could even be sexual assault. I can only hope and pray that you were uninformed about the accusations against him.

(18)
Aaron,
November 14, 2011 2:24 AM

Allegations of wrongdoing years later is slimy

To compare allegations of sexual harassment with "child molestation" is disgusting. Why is it that black conservatives, who get ready to move into positions of political power, are always attacked. Jesse Jackon, the father of a child out of wedlock, was never attacked in this way. The fact that this country thrives on "lashon hara" and that is supported by my fellow Jews demonstrates how far we have drifted from our heritage. As we insist on men and women working together, we need to develop rules that protect both sexes. Making sure that unmarried or unrelated members of the opposite sex not meet alone would go a long ways toward solving this "he said she said" dilemna. The attack on Mr. Cain says more to me about the attackers and not about Mr. Cain's behavior. If my fellow liberals had not protected President Clinton who clearly misbehaved in the White House with Monica Lewinski, then I would be willing to listen to them on this issue. They did not.

Anonymous,
November 14, 2011 2:30 PM

Aaron--You are comparing apples and oranges when you compare Bill Clinton to Herman Cain. Monica Lewinsky was a consenting adult. These women did not consent to anything. Please do not pull out the racist card. This man has no respect for women, regardless of race or marital status. Sexual harrassment in the workplace is a very serious problem. People in power (usually, but not always men) take advantage of their position by bullying and yes, harrassing those in positions which are lower down on the corporate ladder. Make no mistake, THAT is exactly what Herman Cain did.

Anonymous,
November 14, 2011 10:39 PM

How do you come to the conclusion that Herman Cain has no respect for women. I find it highly suspect that these women signed confidentially agreements (obviously for their benefit) . If they had gone to court and followed through I would believe that they may have a reason for coming forward. Also the others that have come forward did not do so until he was at the top of the polls. I believe that if I had really been treated so terribly, the minute that he entered the race I'd have been out there saying he had done those things. Waiting 14 years and then until he was at the top of the polls makes be believe tht they are not credible.

Anonymous,
November 15, 2011 4:20 AM

Monica Lewinsky was a consenting adult BUT

.... Pres. Clinton's behavior surely verged on sexual harrassment, especially because Ms. Lewinsky was the most subordinate of all White House staff -- an intern.

Alan S.,
November 15, 2011 11:54 PM

I am not defending Pres. Clinton or Ms. Lewinsky for their adulterous affair. Pres. Clinton was a man in the highest position of power, but Ms. Lewinsky was, to be honest, a fairly savy woman, regardless if she was easily impressed, or a young "intern". It takes two to tango. I don't think "sexual harassment' is the right term in this instance.

(17)
Beverly Kurtin,
November 14, 2011 1:11 AM

Benefit of the doubt until...

Even though I do not like the man; his overall attitude just rubs me the wrong way. Still, I was wiling to give him the benefit of the doubt until he proved that he has no respect for women. How did he do that? Former Speaker of the House, Nancy Polosi became the first female Speaker. Mrs. Polosi is a highly respected woman by virtually all with the exception of one Herman Cain. He outed himself as a misogynistic individual when he referred to her as "Princess Nancy." That level of respect proved to me without a doubt that he has zero respect for women and I do not doubt for an instant any women who claim that he abused them.
I've worked for men who had his attitude. He did not think that he was sexually abusing the women who worked for him; he was the poster boy for being a bully boss.
The day he "accidentally" brushed against my body in a manner that no man has a right to touch a women that I almost broke his arm. No, I'm not a tough person,m just an Air Force veteran.
He tried to say that it was an accident, but I'd seen him improperly touch other women in my department. So we went to his attorney and told him that if our boss touched any of us again, we would sue him for sexual abuse. He got the message and even went so far as to take sensitivity training. He apologized to the staff and we let bygones be bygones. He never bothered us again.
Cain strikes me as a bully boss and the kind of a guy who wouldn't think twice about abusing a woman, especially if he was in a superior position to a woman.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2011 12:59 AM

where is the REAL smoke?

Its easy to say "Cain is guilty" - but the more you look into this - the more it stinks. If you look into this more - you will find that it seems Mr Cain must be sent crazy in Chicago - as that is the only place there seems to be a problem . No one is alleging he did anything CLOSE to what Bill Clinton has done. The 2 cases filed - reportedly didn't really involve any "overt sexual behavior" - were investigated by the NRA and Mr Cain was cleared of any wrong doing. As is frequently the case - it is much cheaper for companies to just settle than go to trial - thank you american justice system. One of these ladies went on to sue here next employer - odd wouldnt you say? Where the woman that came out this week is also interesting. Heard of David Axelrod - BHO henchman? Famous for getting rid of BHO potential opponents with "sexual innundo claims" - Well guess who lived in Axelrod's very building? None other that Cain's latest accuser, Sharon Bialek.
Bialek's accusations were specific. But also demonstrate why anonymous accusations are worthless.
As Ann Coulter points out -
Within 24 hours of Bialek's press conference, friends and acquaintances of hers stepped forward to say that she's a "gold-digger," that she was constantly in financial trouble -- having filed for personal bankruptcy twice -- and, of course, that she had lived in Axelrod's apartment building at 505 North Lake Shore Drive, where, she admits, she knew the man The New York Times calls Obama's "hired muscle."
All conplaints from Chicago - Cain has worked for many years in many places but only complaints from Chicago? Welcome to politics "chicago style" - Don't let this color your view of one of the most ardent supporters of Israel in the Republican field - BHO is infinately more dangerous that Mr Cain could ever be - so cut him some slack.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 11:56 PM

read Anne Coulter's expose of the connection between the NRA and Axelrod/Obama!

Before assuming that the NRA is unbiased, read Ann Coulter's expose about the connection between it, the women who are making the accusations, and David Axelrod (and hence, Obama).
Chilling, to say the least! In this case, it may well be a setup!

(14)
Morton Friedman,
November 13, 2011 10:50 PM

Welcometo Saudi Arabia

In my professional career, I often traveled with female colleagues. We flew on the same airplanes, shared the same rental car, stayed in the same motels, and would usually eat meals together. Doing otherwise would have been ridiculous, and in now way would our employer authorize the expense of a third party.
Dealing with the Soviets was even more ridiculous, for the Soviet government absolutely made it forbidded for a Soviet professional to speak one -to -one with a Westerner. Often we had to 'draft' a passing janitor to get around their rules.
Those who wish to 'cheat' will find a way to do it in a crowdwd subway car, those who don't can be stranded on a desert isle with a member of the opposite sex. I might add, that the other need not be of the 'opposite' sex, but only of the opposite sexual preference.

(13)
Jane,
November 13, 2011 9:01 PM

Not proven

Just because 1 or many women come forward making these accusations, does not make it true. And for the record-- those were not settlements because of Herman Cain. They were given to these women as they left their jobs. One of the women went on to make the same accusations at her next job. Does anyone know that the female attorney is the one who was asked sometime back on a talk show how she felt about the airport security scans. Her comment was that she kind of liked it, because no one had been that close for a long time.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 8:16 PM

Robert Frost was the one who said,

"Good fences make good neighbors." And he wasn't really talking about sexual harassment. He was; however, talking about individuality. Wouldn't it be lovely if we, as a culture, could respect that individuality in each other. While it's very true that buffering temptation with a chaperone will help prevent something from happening, I'd rather see Herman Cain and other men who are guilty of this (I once quit a job to get away from a man who would not keep his hands to himself.) take responsibility for themselves. Surely, they can control themselves in the workplace? And if not, aren't we a little worried about them leading our nation? I am not casting stones; none among us is perfect, myself included. Still, we must be responsible for our actions. To quote another sage, "If not now, when?"

(11)
Fire Island Mindy,
November 13, 2011 6:00 PM

Sloppy

If it's so famous, the author ought to get it right:
"There’s a famous saying that 'fences make good neighbors,'"
Wrong. The 'famous' saying is "GOOD fences make good neighbors." At least her boss "famously" wouldn't go to lunch with a woman unless a chaperone tagged along.

Anonymous,
November 15, 2011 1:16 AM

Really? Considering the import of the article, a comment speaking to the minutiae of a commonly used phrase (concerning fences) is important?

(10)
Seymour Ross,
November 13, 2011 5:34 PM

Cain comment

There is no person to help the ladies who courageously came f orward. While Cain's lawyers are creating an atmosphere of fear for anyone else to come forward. Four ladies came forward. Where their is smoke there must be fire. We are lucky to have ladies of this calibre.

Kerry Cohen,
November 14, 2011 3:00 AM

Another reputation damaged by allegations.

Where ---''Their---'' is smoke? Try, where there is smoke. The accusers are women, but they might not be ladies. They could be out for a fast, plump, buck. Showing up to a news conference with ambulance chaser Gloria Allred makes one suspect that this is a hatchet job to collect money. The definition of sexual harassment is a function of politics.

Anonymous,
November 15, 2011 1:24 PM

Give me strength

There appears to be a lot of naiívety in evidence over this case. Does nobody realize that these women are hard-as-nails professionals? They fall into one of two camps. They are either go-it-alone gold diggers targeting those men they think are able to pay up or else they are political plants in the employ of those who have a political interest in bringing a man down and ruining his career. Remember Delilah, possibly the earliest one of these types in human history.

(9)
Alan,
November 13, 2011 4:15 PM

Settlement Agreement

One ought to remember that there was a settlement made by the National Restaurant Association (NRA) to two women who had filed sexual harassment complaints against Mr. Cain and that, pursuant to the settlement, these women are prohibited from speaking about the details of their complaint. These are facts and not unsubstantiated accusations. Thus, we do know that the NRA felt the complaint sufficient to warrant the payment of significant money to the two complainants. Mr. Cain can authorize the NRA to release the details of the settlement, but he has not. He declares that the complaints were baseless, but refuses to allow the files to be released. These accusations are arising now, because Mr. Cain is seeking the Republican nomination for president (not because he is black or a businessman or any other reason). Mr. Cain's actions, past and present, become important now for this reason. I understand the benefit to Mr. Cain to deny these allegations now raised. But what is the benefit to these women to now come forward? To receive the ridicule of right-wing talk radio?
If a person running for president was accused of being a Nazi sympathizer 15 years ago, would we feel that such accusations unimportant? If a person running for president was accused of child molestation 15 years ago, would we feel that such accusations unimportant?
These accusations are important to help assess the type of person Mr. Cain is and each voter can assess the importance of this situation.

(8)
Dick,
November 13, 2011 2:34 PM

Excellent commentary.

The author hits the nail on the head. I am a retired corporate ececutive but I remember very well situations that could have been a very real problem if I had not had another person inside the "fence". Men get a lot of blame but let me tell you that women also need to have a "fence". I have seen some men fall as a result of the "adulterous" women described in Proverbs. A well written article for both sexes to heed.

(7)
lisa,
November 13, 2011 2:15 PM

innocent till proven guilty

Let's not believe all the media hype about Mr. Cain....& remember (sometimes) a knock is a boost!!

Beverly Kurtin,
November 14, 2011 1:14 AM

Uh huh

When he said "Princess Nancy" he showed his disrespect for women, particularly women with power. Mr. Cain will never be president of this country

(6)
Georg von Starkermann,
November 13, 2011 2:12 PM

Cain is a successful Black Man.

If Cain were a white man, these accusations would never occur, but he is a successful Black man who is leading in the current Republican polls, and we all are witnessing the old canard of a Black man seeking forced love and affection from a White woman. In years past, a Black man would have been hung had he made any type of advance towards anyone who was white. We have the same issue going on here. What's bothersome about one of the accusers is that she never even reported this so called so called attempted rape to anyone within the last 15 years.Now all of a sudden it comes up. Another accuser, now working for the Obama Administration also accused another employer of misconduct. This whole affair seems too contrived and somewhat desperate from the Democratic Party seeking to discredit all Republican candidates. I can see the authors point of view having been a "boss" in the past, however to accuse someone of a wrong 15 years after it supposedly happened is downright malicious.

Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 6:23 PM

Sexual harrassment is humiliating regardless of whether it is committed against women OR MEN. These claims have absolutely nothing to do with race or party affiliation, and to suggest otherwise is pure nonsense. Nobody is "seeking to discredit all Republican candidates." Please read the definition of sexual harrassment before you make such outlandish staements.

(5)
yossef,
November 13, 2011 2:06 PM

Old fasioned? a) Who decided whats old fashioned and b)whats wrong with being old fashioned

(4)
Rachel,
November 13, 2011 2:03 PM

Are you assuming Herman Cain acted inappropriately?

Black conservatives are always under attack. They will either be accused of sexual misconduct or of being Uncle Toms who don't understand what it means to be black. There is no evidence that Herman Cain ever crossed the boundaries of proper conduct to begin with. He is a religious Christian, just like your former boss. Do you have any idea how much money it takes to defend a false accusation? That's why these phony baloney cases are settled. I resent the implication that Mr. Cain ever did anything wrong. You must have been giving credit to the worst lashon hard.

Dvirah,
November 13, 2011 5:42 PM

No

Ms. Gruen does NOT assume in her article that Mr. Cain is guilty of anything. She refers to the accusations and their results only and does not imply that they are true.

(3)
ruth housman,
November 13, 2011 1:36 PM

what is in the balance

I have friends, male and female, single and married, and I enjoy getting together with these friends and I do not follow a rigid rule of any kind in life, that tells me I cannot meet with my friends, over a cup of coffee, a light meal, and converse. I am married, but this is not the point.
The point for me is as follows: it's not the rule that defines behaviors that are about infidelity, it is the person. Rules do not change aspects of personal behavior and can be unbearably rigid and feel wrong in terms of what we need, to relate to each other, to simply "be".
Maybe you need such rules to define your behaviors and keep impulses in reigned in, but there are others who find the nature of such rules an impediment to connection and relationship, because not all relationships, single or collective, wind up in bad places. Morality does this, the inner sense that is about wrong, and it is deeply about emotional ties that are difficult to define by the fences you advocate putting up, including and excluding.
Fences do not make bad neighbors or good neighbors. It is the people who stand behind those fences, who acknowledge the humanity of each other. We live in a world in which open ness has its values too, and flexibility. I would never ever feel, I could not meet with a friend, male or female, singly and alone.
I do not feel that was Cain's problem, and he was perfectly "Able" perhaps, to make moral distinctions if he had wanted to, because we live in a world in which everyone knows about such issues, and some choose to not acknowledge and to act in unethical ways causing pain to each other.
It's not about the fences, but a far far deeper problem that involves, the human heart, duplicity, and what creates such need.
Life is a balancing act. Kaballah, is deeply the knowledge of give and take in relationships and that life is to be lived with that in mind, as excess in anything, can be wrong, and put us over the deep end. We :"depend" on morality to lead the way.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 1:22 PM

WOW

Escuse me because my English is basic, but I think this is a article is very good because of the argumentation of Mrs. Judy Gruen. This is a very strong one : "I thought my boss was astonishingly old-fashioned, but I also secretly admired him for the care he took in safeguarding his marriage and his reputation"
When I was working as a teacher I never closed the door of the room where I was working I left it wide open for the same reason. And you must know that the young ladies were very happy with r my attitude, my boss did not like it till the moment he arrived in jail for sexual intimidation of one of the young girls. After that he changed his mind.

(1)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 1:20 PM

I think this is a very unhealthy setup. I was raised with 3 brothers and our home was open to all our friends, male and female.I learnt that boys are no different than girls except physically and my brothers learnt the same about girls.We all grew up with healthy relationships with both sexes. I had a friend in school who I considerd my best friend and he was a boy. We grew up together, went to university together and went our different ways. We both married different people and continued to remain friends. Some of my most precious friends are men, Even today after 50 years of marriage nothing "un kosher" has ever crept up. It all depends on how you relate to the other person,male or female, in a relationship. Keeping people delibrately from the opposite sex just because you happened to be married is unhealthy.

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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