Suffering from 'manflu'? Like 'brostep' and 'blokebusters'? Know what
'guybrator' means? Michael Hogan finds himself increasingly mannoyed
with male prefixes

As a not-particularly-high-flying journalist, I get sent some tenuous press releases. “Celebrate Prince Charles’ birthday with Cillit Bang”, “Only 40 shopping days until Christmas – here’s some thrush cream!”, “Survey shows that people hate surveys”, that sort of binnable guff. This week, though, my eye was caught by one that buzzed into my inbox with the subject line: “Pulse: the world’s most innovative guybrator”.

“Most innovative”? Are there other guybrators which are stuck in the past, still using steam power and floppy disks? The Pulse looks like a slate grey PC mouse but is allegedly a “revolutionary male vibrator” and “the world's first oscillating sex toy for men”. It retails for £69 (“LOL”) via a website called hotoctopuss.com, which made me suspect it was a spoof, but apparently it’s not.

Anyway, this is neither the time nor place to debate the guybrator’s merits. At least, not until I’ve saved up £69 (plus £3.99 p&p ). But it did get me thinking about the annoying trend towards gratuitous male prefixes. Here’s a handy glossary – a dick-tionary of portMANteau words, if you will – so you can be annoyed too…

Blokebuster

A Hollywood blockbuster aimed at men. The opposite of a “chick flick”. Usually features some combo of guns/fighting/scantily clad women/gross-out humour/Jason Statham. Arthouse it ain’t.

Related Articles

A term for male friendship that makes it sound irritatingly American, needlessly ”ironic”, and a bit gay.

Brostep

A sub-genre of dubstep, “brostep” is usually American, dumbed down, more aggressive, lower on soul, and higher on beats per minute, “wub”, “womp” and hip-hop vocal samples.

“What’s this racket?” – anyone over 30.

Dicklit

Chicklit written by and for men, often with a soppy theme. Nick Hornby, David Nicholls, Mike Gayle and Tony Parsons are prominent practitioners. Dick Francis, ironically, isn’t.

About a Boy was adapted from a Nick Hornby novel by the same name

Dudefood

Posh junk food: burgers, hotdogs, pizza, fried chicken, barbecued meat. Often American, described as “dirty” and in stripped-back surroundings such as a street food van or “pop up”. But don’t get me started on that again.

Guybrator

Male vibrator. Hopefully there’s a man out there named Guy Brater whose life is now ruined.

Guyliner

Eyeliner for men. Popularised in recent years by the likes of Russell Brand, Brandon Flowers, Noel Fielding and goth/emo types. Still a tad tricky for regular blokes to pull off in the office, though.

Heavage

Male cleavage, flashed by a deep V-neck T, unbuttoned shirt or a sweater with nothing underneath. A look favoured by boyband wannabes, berks who think they’re “buff”, and Peter Andre (he loves his kids, you know).

Mandles

Can have two meanings: either scented candles aimed at men or men’s sandals. Both are a bit lame.

Manflu

Influenza for men. Or, as women would argue, a common cold that we make a huge, wimpy fuss over. But it’s not, it’s really serious and life-threatening, honest. Pass the Lemsip Max Strength and sympathy.

Manscaping

Grooming or removal of male body hair. The full term is (or should be) “manscape gardening” as it involves trimming bushes. A trend popularised by gym culture and online pornography.

As Doctor Evil said in the first Austin Powers film: “There's nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it."

Manscara

More make-up for metrosexual men. See also concealers called “disguys”. Don’t get confused by Chapstick, though. That’s not lipstick for chaps.

Or is it?

Mansplaining

Condescending explanations from a man to a woman, with the assumption that they’re completely ignorant and delivered with an air of, “Here you go, sugartits, but don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” Ladies love this. (They hate this.)

Meggings

Male leggings. Tighter than super-skinny jeans, they look like you’ve accidentally gone out in just your long johns or a lady’s thermal tights. Strictly for scrawny young hipsters - and even they look stupid.

Heard any more? Fancy making some up? That’s what the comments box below is for. Or as I like to call it, the ComMENts box. Right, guys? Oh. They’ve gone.