Thursday, January 20, 2011

These doorknobs are from my grandparents pre-hurricane house, the one they lived in for more than 50 years. That's the one that smelled of Carter Hall tobacco and comfort food. It's still the setting for many of my dreams- and always will be. I suppose it is for them, too. Things have changed rapidly in our lives since the moving day, when I ran back into their house to get some kind of memento before the new owners had it gutted.

(365 day 11)

Maybe it's due to my birthday, or my grandfather's birthday, or a friend of the family's funeral, or my sister's wedding, but I'm just full of thoughts about aging lately:

I may be closer to the end of my life than the beginning,

things feel heavier when my sweet grandmother carries them,

and my grandfather jokes about his forgetfulness.

I don't dread the graying, just feel an earnest desire to make the most of every moment.

(365 day 17)

We are all getting intimate with the idea of the end of life, and it's not really a morbid thing. Sometimes it is trying, for them especially, to deal with the challenges of having bodies that just don't do what strong minds want. I'd be lying if I said sometimes the changes I see in them, my husband, myself, and in my growing children didn't make my heart ache a little. But, at the same time, I am just so glad we're in it together.

Through this, I'm seeing some of the things I want to impress upon my children about life and how we love our family. Plus, I've found that I can actually do things to help my grandparents now, rather than be the perpetual teenager receiving a care package each time i visit (it's about time, since I'm about to have two teenagers myself.)

All through my life they've been a strong foundation for me. Can I possibly repay this? Can I be for my children the example of a life well-lived that they are to me?

Do you ever feel like God is about to take you someplace new?

(365 day 16)

So, here we are: A few inches nearer that proverbial door and there's no doubt, no fear, about what's behind it. We know our savior, and He knows us.

We're getting closer to the end, but we're also getting closer to Him, and to each other.

As I reread this I realize that I sound like we are literally at death's door. Not at all. I'm just thinking out loud, but I'll stop before I conjure up images of Elton John wailing about "the circle of life."

2 comments:

I adored this post! Adored with a capital A. It is exactly how I'm thinking lately. I'll be 49 in a week, I'm realizing that my life probably more than half over. I am wondering why I'm seeking such deep meaning in everything I do - and not wanting to waste one minute - and I realize ' I fear death'. Thanks for a great post! God is so good - thankfully there is still so much to look forward to.

I'm glad you enjoyed the post, Jayme. I guess it's better to consider our lives like this now, rather than zip through life, blindly, until we're near the end. Then it may be too late to tie up loose ends, restore relationships, live a life with more purpose, etc. Watching people I love go through it has definitely changed some of my perspective.

Btw, that wedding ring is on the hand of my sister who's getting married for the first time and is also 49.