"Arizona voters are too f*cking stupid to vote for anybody taking away their guns, so, you know, we can't talk about that. Also, in this f*cked up hillbilly state, any talk of open borders pisses off the conservative Nazis, so obviously we're not mentioning that sh*t either right now."

Sinema's campaign has been portraying the candidate as a moderate in a series of commercials showing her dressed like Laura Petrie and espousing conservative values.

10/29/2018

CHALUPA, Mexico (Big Hairy News) - Bowing to the Trump administration, the Mexican government last week offered full-time employment, free housing, and a year's worth of food to every migrant marching toward the United States.

A spokesman for the migrants quickly refused the offer, saying, "If we wanted to live in a filthy, violent third-world shithole eating greasy food, we wouldn't have left home."

In apparent preparation for the arrival of the migrants, the US government on Monday ordered 10,000 hedge trimmers, 5000 lawnmowers, 5000 backpack blowers, and 8000 maid uniforms delivered to South Texas, while banning the sale of spray paint within 100 miles of the border until further notice.

10/26/2018

BIG HAIRY NEWS - There are growing suspicions among the media elite that the pretend-pipe bombs mailed to politicians and C-list celebrities may have been sent by the Russians.

NBC's Chuck Todd said on MSNBC's Meet The Press Daily, "I have this fear that it could be some Russian operation designed to scare Democrats into saying more paranoid, idiotic things about Trump, causing voters to flock to the GOP."

President Trump reacted to Todd's comments Friday morning, Tweeting, "The so-called bombs appeared to be constructed by a 13-year-old. If this is the best the Russians could come up with, they're nearly as dumb as Chuck Todd."

10/25/2018

BIG HAIRY NEWS - Two online news sites, including this one, have been tied to at least one of the "bombs" delivered to Democrat politicians and liberal celebrities.

NBC's Ben Collins reported yesterday and today that a parody of an ISIS flag originally posted on the right-wing news sites World News Bureau and Big Hairy News was wrapped around at least one explosive device sent to former CIA head, John Brennan.

The Editor in Chief of World News Bureau and Big Hairy News, Scooter Van Neuter, issued a statement reportedly from somewhere in Mexico where he is said to be vacationing:

"I saw the image of my flag wrapped around the bomb and I am angry and saddened. The liberal sicko who defaced it with the photo of that clueless retard, John Brennan, deserves nothing less than the death penalty."

Sources say the FBI has been attempting to contact Van Neuter and is reportedly working with Mexican authorities to locate him.

10/19/2018

10/18/2018

A skyrocketing murder rate coupled with crumbling infrastructure, record welfare, rampant corruption and breathtaking mismanagement placed Baltimore ahead of St. Louis, Chicago, and even Detroit to win this year's Liberal Utopia award (below), according to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) on Wednesday.

"I feel like it's our time to shine," said Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh upon hearing the news.

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Saudis Deny Lips Found In Embassy Are Khashoggi's

A Saudi spokesmansaid that a pair of lips found inside their consulate in Turkey "has no connection whatsoever" to missing journalist Jamal Khashoggi. The bloody lips were discovered in a planter by a Turkish forensic team allowed to search the building.

"We know there were accidents during the construction of this building - to not find body parts would be newsworthy."

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Trump Threatens Immigrant Mob

An angry President Trump warned the growing group of immigrants marching toward the US border that he may settle them in the city of Baltimore if they enter the country.

"They thought they lived in a dangerous shithole back home - they have no idea," Trump told reporters Thursday morning.