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Written by Aunty Julie~Vanguard, Nigeria. November 11, 2016.Aunty Julie,My husband of two years is very sociable and has many close friends that we meet up with for dinner. But he also has clingy friend who comes to our home every Friday and stays until Sunday afternoon. I am often lying around in very little or feeding our baby. One morning he bumped into me naked in the bathroom.I feel as though my privacy is being invaded. My husband just expects me to chat to him but I am getting angry and we end up having huge fights. If I blame my husband, his friend jumps in and ticks me off. When we went to his house he put on a pornographic film and both he and my husband started grinning at me.Even on our first anniversary supper this man turned up at the restaurant and joined us for coffee. My husband promises to talk to him but nothing has changed. He texts and telephones my husband every day. This man is nice and he loves our daughter, but I feel as if I am in competition with him for my husband’s attention. How can I stop him coming around all the time.Anonymous, Lagos.Dear Anonymous,Neither your husband nor his friend are being fair to you. To use Princess Diana’s much quoted phrase, there are three of us in this marriage. No wife would want another man there all weekend, leaving her little time to be with her husband. It is difficult enough to find time to just be a couple when there is a new baby, let alone when there is someone else there all the time.So talk to your husband once more and ask him to tell his friend that you want more time as a couple. It would be fine if he stayed over once a month or came for supper sometimes, but not nearly so frequently. If your husband does nothing then you should talk to his friend yourself. Explain that you like him but you want more time as a couple.You could offer to find him a girlfriend to keep him occupied . He should definitely not be joining you on your next wedding anniversary. I assume your husband and this man are not in a relationship.

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Dear Julie, I feel guilty about cheating on him

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, September 2, 2016.

Aunty Julie,

My guy and I have been together for the past 10 years. We have been living together but we are not married and my family is kicking. I have always felt like we had a pretty good relationship and although I am away for work quite often, I have never felt tempted to stray.

But last year, I met another guy at a conference and we clicked well and ended up talking for hours. However, one thing led to another and things happened that I never intended to happen. I's not really a big deal but I'm actually dying inside over the guilt I have now.

I haven't seen the guy again but I am struggling because on one hand, I want to tell my partner but on the other, I feel like it will hurt him so much.

I don't know if it's the right thing to do. At the same time, I also wonder to myself why this happened and if I'm happy in my relationship, what made this so available and easy? Is there something more, is there a reason this happened?

Laila, Kogi

Dear Laila,

You are feeling guilty and confused. You seem to care but wonder how you could do this at the same time. The truth is, when our feelings, thoughts and behaviours don't match, we enter the state of cognitive dissonance, which is usually difficult until we get aligned by either reassessing our values or changing our behaviours, so that things line up again.

You are struggling because you are evolving and growing from the situation inside you. But I'm curious if you are more troubled by telling your partner the truth or feeling the judgments. The biggest judge is the person in the mirror. Just like you can love someone but not everything they do, you can love yourself but not everything you've done. That might be a starting point.

We often judge others for actions that don't align with their personal value system or the value systems of communities, families and so on. Everyone has their own value system and maybe it's a good time to evaluate your own. Behaviours are deeper rooted and until you examine what that is for you, it may be unclear as to not only why this happened but what you want to do next.

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Dear Julie, Help! I had anal s3x and started bleeding

Written by Aunty Julie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, July 17, 2016

Aunty Julie,

My new boyfriend is a bit on the weird side. Initially, it was fun but I realised that I cannot cope anymore. Sometimes, he would ask to dress himself up in my underwear and bra and I considered it really s3xy. At other times, he would dress up in beastly attire that excites and scares me at the same time and he makes love to me like a horse. He has an outrageous strength and I enjoyed him all the time. Very recently, he started asking for anal s3x and promised me it would be the best.

I didn't like the idea at first but we later had unprotected anal s3x and when I got home, I had blood coming out of my anus when I went to the toilet. Besides, I didn't like anal s3x one bit. He has started nursing the idea of using a whip on me to maximize his ejaculation as according to him, every painful sound I'd make would take him to climax. At one point he suggested us having a threesome and having another man have s3x with me while he watches. Everything is happening too fast for me and I'm beginning to feel cheap like a whore.

What should I do with this relationship?

Glory, Lagos

Dear Glory,

The blood is probably coming from a break in the skin. However, bleeding is something you should try to stop from happening during s3x, because it means you're at higher risk of catching infections. Be very gentle during s3x, whether it's anal or vaginal or oral. The anus doesn't lubricate and so you may decide to use lubricants. You should also protect yourself during s3x to prevent infections spreading between you and your partner. And if you have vaginal s3x as well, you need to change the condom between the anus and the vagina to prevent spreading germs from your bottom to your vagina.

I suggest you see a doctor for a check up for infections, especially if your boyfriend has had s3x with someone else before you. Also to talk about starting on some contraception to use in case you want to have vaginal s3x.What I don't understand is why you allow yourself to be subjected to all manner of s3x. Whipping, threesome and what you described as the queer stuff when you said you feel cheap about it.

Are you in love with the guy or is the relationship just about sex because from my perception, the guy is not a serious relationship material.But be very careful with unprotected s3x especially anal s3x as breaks in the skin can expose you to serious infections.Also be aware that just because you've had s3x, you don't have to do it again if you don't want to. And you don't have to do any particular s3x act if you don't want to . You should always feel absolutely free to say no to anything at any time, regardless of how far you've gone in the past or on that occasion.If you have any concerns you can speak confidentially to someone very close to you.

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I'm in love with my husband's best friend

Written by Aunty Julie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Dear Aunty Julie

I am having an affair with my husband's best friend. They met at university. My marriage is reasonably good and I like my husband, but there has never been any great passion between us. Our children have left home, as have my lover's. I am in my 50s and think this is probably my last chance to have a romantic connection with great sex. His relationship with his wife is platonic and my husband and I don't have sex very often. Our families are close and we see a lot of each other socially, so I feel constantly guilty. I know it's wrong, but I can't end the affair – I have never been happier. I know that if our spouses found out, they would be devastated. I don't know how it's all going to end. In tears, probably.

Cindy, Lagos

Dear Cindy,

You are playing with fire and as you are all so close, the chances of you being caught are high. How long do you think this can continue without one of your spouses becoming suspicious? They could notice a certain intimacy between you, stumble upon you sharing a stolen kiss or overhear an intimate conversation. It is so easy to forget to delete texts and emails and get caught. it's the same with a forgotten hotel bill, or your husband or his wife coming home unexpectedly to find you in bed together. If the affair is discovered, it will devastate your husband, your lover's wife ( who is presumably also a friend of yours) and your children – and wreck your husband's relationship with his best friend.

In this scenario your lover may leave his wife, but, alternatively, he could beg her for forgiveness and have nothing more to do with you. You would then lose him and your husband. Talk to your lover about whether you would have a future together if the affair was discovered. You may be disappointed. If, however, you love each other and want to be together, it would be more honest to end your marriages. Otherwise, you should end the affair.

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Dear Julie, How do I forgive his sexting

Written by Aunty Julie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Dear Julie,

My husband and I appear to have the perfect marriage and family that everyone wanted. In fact, many people said so. The truth is, it was not as great as they or I thought. He is successful in his job and his colleagues speak very highly of him. By chance, I discovered that he had been sending sexually explicit photographs to a woman he works with. I had met her a couple of times but never thought she could rival me for my husband's affection.

He says he has broken off contact, but I still think about her all the time. How can I trust him again. He would describe other people doing this sort of thing as very seedy, so why would he do it. If he had been going out with her, that would have made more sense. I hate the thought of him sending pornographic photos to another woman. I now ask myself, do I really know him. How can I move on.

Bidemi, Delta.

Dear Bidemi,

If you and your husband are both completely, extremely, 100% serious about working on your marriage, then you need to get yourselves to couples therapy. It will be a safe place for you and your husband to healthfully explore what may have led and contributed to his emotional affairs. And yes, I do believe that he was emotionally straying from you, at the very least.By all accounts, you define his sexting as cheating on you and the thing about cheating that you must keep in mind is that sometimes, it isn't possible for someone to forgive and forget.

You've asked a lot of pointed questions - "How could he keep doing that knowing how it affected every part of our life and was getting in the way of our supposed happy family? How can I ever look back on any good memories and be anything but sad? And how can I ever remember all the lies and be OK with them?" And the truth is ,you may not be able to move on from this, to recover from it, or to be OK. Your job is to figure out what you can accept, and move on from.

If you're the kind of person for which cheating completely dashes your trust in someone; if it's going to make you crazy with worry and suspcision; if you're going to start snooping and lashing out; if it's going to do negative things for your mental health, then you're likely not going to be able to make a relationship work. Some people can forgive and forget. So ask yourself if you think you can. Can you not snoop through his phone?

Can you be at peace when you don't know where he might be going or with whom? Will you eventually stop worrying about his straying? And, for his part, does he make a concerted effort to change? Can you tell that he's dedicated to the marriage? Does he seem remorseful? Is he making strides to really and truly become a more evolved person in your marriage? These are questions you can answer through time, observation and in therapy. Your answers to them will determine whether or not you two can make this work.

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Dear Julie, My husband's friend is destroying our marriage

Written by Aunty Julie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Aunty Julie,

My husband of two years is very sociable and has many close friends that we meet up with for dinner. But he also has clingy friend who comes to our home every Friday and stays until Sunday afternoon. I am often lying around in very little or feeding our baby. One morning he bumped into me naked in the bathroom. I feel as though my privacy is being invaded. My husband just expects me to chat to him but I am getting angry and we end up having huge fights. If I blame my husband, his friend jumps in and ticks me off.

When we went to his house he put on a pornographic film and both he and my husband started grinning at me. Even on our first anniversary supper this man turned up at the restaurant and joined us for coffee. My husband promises to talk to him but nothing has changed. He texts and telephones my husband every day. This man is nice and he loves our daughter, but I feel as if I am in competition with him for my husband's attention. How can I stop him coming around all the time.

Anonymous, Lagos.

Dear Anonymous,

Neither your husband nor his friend are being fair to you. To use Princess Diana's much quoted phrase, there are three of us in this marriage. No wife would want another man there all weekend, leaving her little time to be with her husband. It is difficult enough to find time to just be a couple when there is a new baby, let alone when there is someone else there all the time. So talk to your husband once more and ask him to tell his friend that you want more time as a couple.

It would be fine if he stayed over once a month or came for supper sometimes, but not nearly so frequently. If your husband does nothing then you should talk to his friend yourself. Explain that you like him but you want more time as a couple. You could offer to find him a girlfriend to keep him occupied . He should definitely not be joining you on your next wedding anniversary. I assume your husband and this man are not in a relationship.

My friends were telling me that I should try having sex with a lady ten years older than me or more.I am 27 years and my sexual partners have always been age-mates or those younger than me.Personally, I don't fancy the thought of going to bed with an older woman even though my friends tell me that I could learn a lot and would enjoy the experience.

What do you think? I really cannot bring myself to have sex with an older person .Am I abnormal or do you think I am right?What do you think I should do, try it out?

Ken, Edo

Dear Ken,

Perhaps, what your friends are trying to say is that many people believe that there are advantages to a younger man dating an older woman. There are a few historic tales of older women indoctrinating younger men into the world of sexuality. Some of the stories are as ancient as the gods, whereas others are modern love stories of lust and woe.

Many believe that older women have more sexual experience, that they have a more varied sexual repertoire, and that they will appreciate a youthful admirer.

Sexual experience aside, different people are turned on by different things. One way to find out what floats your boat is to try different things, but that's not the only way. There are plenty of sexual activities that you probably don't need to try in order to anticipate whether or not you'd be into it. It sounds like you know what turns you on, and what you find arousing. If it goes against your grain to be turned on by an older woman, then it makes no sense to try the experience.

What works for your friends may not work for you. After all, there are as many different sexual needs and desires as there are people. Most importantly, don't participate in any sexual activity with which you are not comfortable. There are many other ways to be sexually fulfilled that will be more palatable to your personal tastes.

If it bothers you that you are not interested in sleeping with this woman (or older women in general), or if you are simply introspective and curious about yourself, it may be worth spending some time thinking about what it is about sleeping with people your age or younger that you find most appealing. What is your upper limit in terms of age? Or your lower limit? People have different reasons for their age preferences.

For example, some people prefer to only have sex with someone that they could see themselves connecting with outside the bedroom. Some feel that a large age difference means being in different life stages and thus not able to connect as deeply. Other people find that they connect more with people older than them. Your feelings about age may be about your sexual desires, or age may have some other, perhaps deeper meaning to you.

Exploring this with a trusted confidant may be helpful or interesting to you, as well. But whatever your reasons, know there is nothing "abnormal" about having some limits about age, even if those limits are different from others around you.

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Dear Aunty Julie, He doesn't like sex during my period

By Aunty Julie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, May 1, 2016

Dear Aunty Julie,

My guy and I don't draw lines about when or when not to have sex but things have changed lately. My partner is now apprehensive about having sex when I'm menstruating or having breakthrough bleeding. His male friends told him that menstrual material could get lodged in his urethra and cause an infection. That doesn't make sense to me. How could menstrual material be any more infectious than other body fluids that are exchanged during sex?

Lola, Ekiti

Dear Lola,

You're right. Menstrual fluid is no more likely to infect a woman's partner than sweat, saliva, or vaginal secretions caused by sexual arousal.

Unfortunately, your partner's friends are not the only ones who have been misinformed.

History taught us a lot about this. Menstruation has been misunderstood and feared in western civilization for thousands of years. The ancient Hebrews believed that menstruation was one of many ritual impurities that required ritual cleansing. By the time of the early Christians, menstruation was seen as a physical pollution that caused all kinds of illness and disease, as well as spiritual pollution. For example, in the year 562, the Archbishop of Arles in France declared, "Whoever has relations with his wife during her period will have children that are either leprous or epileptic or possessed by the Devil."

It is amazing how long it is taking to dispel such unhealthy notions. The widespread western phobia about menstruation was one of the excuses used until well into the 20th century to bar women from many activities allowed men: standing near or touching the altar of a church, singing in a church choir, or getting an education.

In some parts of the world, however, menstruation was seen as a source of great physical and spiritual power. In certain cultures of the South Pacific, for example, men ritually cut themselves to bleed so that they could claim that they, too, had periods.

Today, we understand that menstruation is an important part of the fertility cycle of women. We know that human females have a greater menstrual flow than any other animals.

That is because many blood vessels are needed to support the development of a human fetus if a pregnancy takes place. When pregnancy does not take place, the supporting tissue and blood is lost in a woman's menses, and new supporting tissue develops to prepare for ovulation in support of another potential pregnancy if fertilization and implantation take place.

We also know that there is nothing dirty or unclean about menstruation. We know that menstrual fluid itself is not infectious, and it does not cause disease or sickness. Many women today enjoy their periods as a proud reminder of their femininity. Many others see it as an uncomfortable inconvenience that they could do well without.

And many have found that they can enjoy their sexuality and express themselves sexually during menstruation.

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Dear Julie, Sex with my husband is painful

By Aunty Julie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, May 1, 2016

Dear Julie,

My husband and I enjoy lovemaking a lot and it's one thing that keeps our relationship going despite having three children. My man respects me for that and has never cheated for as long as I could remember.But lately, sex has been really painful and not as enjoyable as it used to. On many occasions, I turned down my husband and he doesn't feel good about this. Does this mean that something is wrong?

Seigha, Port-Harcourt

Dear Seigha,

Something is wrong. Painful intercourse has many causes. In men, it can be caused by an infection, an allergic reaction to spermicide or latex, or by an irritation from previous sexual or non-sexual activities.

In women, the causes are more varied and complex: There may be vaginal dryness, which could be caused in two ways. It could be that a woman is not aroused enough to lubricate because there has not been enough foreplay before penetration.

Or, she may not have enough of the hormone estrogen in her system to create lubrication. This type of vaginal dryness is often associated with perimenopause or menopause. Other physical causes include endometriosis, infection, yeast overgrowth, or allergic reaction to latex or spermicide.

Emotional causes of painful intercourse for women include gender identity conflict, a history of rape or incest, or intense childhood suppression of sex, all of which can lead to vaginal spasms that prevent penetration. Other emotional causes include hostility, anger, or resentment toward her partner or previous partners.

Because painful intercourse has so many possible causes, it is best to consult a health care professional to determine the cause and get the best treatment. Men may want to consult a urologist. Women may want to consult a women's health care provider.

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Dear Julie, I love sex but I don't want anything serious

Written by Femi Ajasa

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, April 24, 2016

Dear Julie,

I am a woman of 28 and have gone through a lot in life to build myself. I am a working student and I train myself. Basically, I don't have time for any relationship and because of that, I have hurt a lot of people. You have so much information and advice for those who want to start, maintain, or end a relationship; but then there are people like me.

In fact, I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. Sometimes I work two jobs, and I like hanging out with my friends and family when I do have spare time. I'm not interested in the feelings, emotions, and time it takes to be in a relationship. I'll have sex with anyone before I even think about holding their hand. Then afterward, the guy will usually end up getting his feelings hurt because I don't want to date him. Is there anything strange or unhealthy about this? I know I look good but that is that. I don't have time for love.

Omoni, Benin City

Dear Omoni,

Some people love to pair off like lovebirds while others like to fly solo. There's nothing wrong with savouring your independence, as long as you are honest with yourself and your partners about what you want and don't want out of each connection, sexually and otherwise. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what shape your relationships will take. But you must also understand the place of culture in relationships especially in this part of the world.

People are naturally social beings, and we spend a great deal of our time interacting with others. Sharing life's ups and downs with friends and family can bring a sense of closeness and fulfillment that can't be found in your professional or academic life. Likewise, some people enjoy romantic relationships for companionship, commitment, and physical and emotional intimacy. Other people partner up out of fear of being alone or pressure to "settle down."

As you implied, society often puts a premium on romantic relationships. From age-old love stories to reality dating shows, pairing is portrayed as the romantic ideal. In our culture, marriage is a strong form of "social glue" that binds together individuals, families, and communities. However, there are many other expressions of love and togetherness that don't require you to tie the knot.

To begin, it may be helpful to sort out your feelings, values, and desires related to sexuality and relationships.

For example, are you satisfied with your current social scene, or do you to want make more time for friends or dating? Do you wish you had a "special someone" or are you truly happy on your own? And lastly, what's your take on sex without commitment? Do you feel comfortable getting it on and then heading out, or would you prefer to get to know each other a bit more, before and/or after? There are no right or wrong answers here, so go with what feels best for you.

The tricky part is that everyone brings their own preferences to the dinner table and the bedroom. As you've experienced, it can cause discomfort and hurt feelings when, after a roll in the hay, your sexy someone wants to take you out on a date and you'd rather part ways.

Since there's no way to predict how your partner may feel, perhaps you could try being more upfront about your intentions. For example, before things really heat up, you could say something like, "I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'd still like to have some fun together." Put into your own words, that warning gives your partner a fair heads-up about where you'd like the experience to go. All that being said, one-nightstand or even steady commitments is easier said than done. Even a short fling requires some amount of time and effort, and it's likely that emotions will come into play at one point or another.

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Aunty Julie, My husband’s friend is destroying our marriage

~Vanguard:,Written by Aunty Julie. Sunday, March 6, 2016

Aunty Julie,

My husband of two years is very sociable and has many close friends that we meet up with for dinner. But he also has clingy friend who comes to our home every Friday and stays until Sunday afternoon. I am often lying around in very little or feeding our baby. One morning he bumped into me naked in the bathroom. I feel as though my privacy is being invaded. My husband just expects me to chat to him but I am getting angry and we end up having huge fights. If I blame my husband, his friend jumps in and ticks me off.

When we went to his house he put on a pornographic film and both he and my husband started grinning at me. Even on our first anniversary supper this man turned up at the restaurant and joined us for coffee. My husband promises to talk to him but nothing has changed. He texts and telephones my husband every day. This man is nice and he loves our daughter, but I feel as if I am in competition with him for my husband’s attention. How can I stop him coming around all the time.

Anonymous, Lagos

Dear Anonymous,

Neither your husband nor his friend are being fair to you. To use Princess Diana’s much quoted phrase, there are three of us in this marriage. No wife would want another man there all weekend, leaving her little time to be with her husband. It is difficult enough to find time to just be a couple when there is a new baby, let alone when there is someone else there all the time. So talk to your husband once more and ask him to tell his friend that you want more time as a couple.

It would be fine if he stayed over once a month or came for supper sometimes, but not nearly so frequently. If your husband does nothing then you should talk to his friend yourself. Explain that you like him but you want more time as a couple. You could offer to find him a girlfriend to keep him occupied . He should definitely not be joining you on your next wedding anniversary. I assume your husband and this man are not in a relationship.

My father-in-law watched an intimate video of myself and my partner. I didn’t know my husband’s father is computer literate and operates the lap-top very well. A video of his son and I smooching and making love was saved in my lap-top which was in the sitting room the day he visited. I was in the bathroom and when I came out, he was already on the lap-top. My husband was not around. I didn’t like that and ever since,I feel funny and strange around especially after he made comments about my body.

Is it okay for me to feel uncomfortable when around him and when he comments on my body,saying things like, “I don’t understand why men are still attracted to women with stretch marks."

Ese, Auchi

Dear Ese,

Unfortunately awkward situations do happen, such as people seeing things you don’t intend them to. It is very normal to feel awkward and uncomfortable as a result. It sounds like you would prefer for your father in law to forget he ever saw the video and not speak about it.

If you feel that he is saying these things on purpose, it needs to stop. It isn’t okay for him to make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed of your body. It might not be a pleasant conversation, but you do need to speak up for yourself and tell him calmly and firmly not to make these comments to you. Sometimes people prefer to do this in a letter so that they can express themselves clearly. If that is also too daunting perhaps your partner can have the conversation?

Take some time to think about how you want to express your views so that you can do it calmly, as yelling or threatening certainly won’t help the situation

I think a shameful thing has happened to me. I have a crush on my best friend's brother. I'm 18 and he is in his 20s. I've known him and my best friend since I was 10 and I started to like him when I was 12, just because we talk to each other so much and make each other laugh. There was a time where I was at my best friend's house and she went to have a shower and I was outside and he came outside and we talked and started laughing and playing basketball and having a good time. I just haven't ever met a guy like him.

Recently he asked me out and I didn't know what to say at the time so I told him I'd think about it which was stupid cause I have a massive crush on him, but I know my best friend would hate it and it would be awkward for us. I still haven't gotten back to him about hanging out. Should I?

Ufuoma, Edo

Dear Ufuoma,

I think you did the right thing by telling your best friend's brother you'd think about it. I don't think it's stupid. You've got a lot to consider before you take any action here, and you clearly are a good friend.

If you want to go out with this guy, you need to talk to your best friend about what is going on because it wouldn't be right to start anything up behind her back. She'd just end up feeling betrayed by her brother and her best friend.

So, tell this guy that you are interested but need some time to talk to your friend about it. He should understand this if he wants to do the right thing by his sister. Just be honest with her and see what she says. She may initially be shocked or against the idea, but if you tell her how you feel, hopefully she will come around to the idea. Her brother could even talk to her too, just so she understands that this is something that matters to both of you.

It may take her some time, but if she just can't feel comfortable about it, you will need to decide whether it is worth damaging or even losing your friendship with her to be with him.

I don't know what is wrong with me and I have gone very far in a relationship with a guy who works in my office. That is not even the big issue. The big issue is that I'm married and I have kids and enjoy a good relationship with my husband.I have carried on with this for a while and the relationship is good for my sex life because it kind of rejuvenated it and makes me more attractive to my husband who noticed I am looking different and being update in fashion. He has not suspected I'm having an affair but I fear he would eventually get to know if I don't stop.My life is becoming more exciting and I have come to realise that it's not just about sex. It's about everything about me.

What do I do?

Adela, Lagos

Dear Adela,

Are you asking for my opinion on whether you should continue this workplace dalliance? Sexual attraction in the workplace is readily combustible and often hard to resist or extinguish once the fires start raging. Based on my work over the years, let me explain that this kind of relationship when prolonged, rarely stays neat, sweet and discrete. The married partner, despite assurances to the contrary, rarely leaves his or her spouse for a variety of reasons, from the psychological to the financial and then, guilt eventually becomes a disruptive third party making the rendezvous increasingly conflicted.

Neither lover is absolutely immune, whether married or single and the married member is often acting out his or her anger toward the spouse with an affair. Usually, it's better to confront the problems in your marriage, decide if you can or cannot make the marriage work and start over, sadder and wiser, in your marriage or on your own .

Sometime ago, somebody shared a story of a year long affair between a working-class bank teller and a bank executive. The teller had left her husband and kids because of emotional neglect. The two separated but did not divorce. The executive continued to live with his wife even while enjoying a 'side-kick' with the teller. This relationship provided the teller a little tenderness which had been lacking much of her life. Eventually, the teller and her husband reunited.

The affair ended without significant problem. They became wiser soon enough and stopped. But I know of another relationship involving a man and a woman, both in their 40s and both unhappy in their respective marriages. They met on the internet and soon progressed to real life affair during the man's business travels. The woman's husband sensed a problem and it almost ruined their marriage. You don't need to be told. This is something you should avoid

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Wetness from my vagina dries into tiny crumbs, smells funny

By Aunty Julie, Vanguard Nigeria.

Aunty Julie,

When I have sex, afterward it's like the wet stuff from my vagina gathers or dries into tiny crumbs and smells funny.I don't know what is the cause .My guy doesn't say anything but it happens every time.It's so weird and embarrassing. I figure it's not dirt but it looks so strange.

Tina, Lagos

Dear Tina

I think what you're describing is pretty normal. Vaginal secretions when they dry out can go a bit crumby, and may have a stronger smell after sex from the semen. If your vagina and vulva feel healthy, that is not sore or itchy, and the smell isn't unpleasant, then it's nothing to worry about. Vaginal discharge can change for different reasons – time of the month, use of different types of contraceptive, level of sexual arousal, use of different types of lubricant during sex.

Some infections can cause a vaginal discharge and it's important at your age to get a check up from time to time. If you feel that the secretions are irritating your skin, or smell fishy, it may be an abnormal bacterial growth which can get treated.If you're noticing the secretions getting lumpy during sex, it may be because your vagina is getting a bit dry and using a water based lubricant will help.

I've been in love and it has been three years already. But the problem is he was my teacher at school, even though right now I am studying at university and I don't see him, but still I have feelings for him.

Of course I couldn't say anything about this and he knows nothing about my feelings for him. But it's painful. I am fed up, but still continue to love him.

My question is, how can I make myself forget him? Stop liking him? And understand that there is nothing that can happen between us?

He is 28 years old, and there is a big age difference between us. It's frightening me that I fell in love in such conditions. I am 19.

Obioma, Asaba

Dear Obioma,

That is really a long time to have such strong feelings for someone. Three years!

Falling in love is exciting, but it also involves lots of other feelings including being scared, confused and frustrated. This can happen in all crushes, but when it involves someone you aren't 'allowed' to love it can make it so much more difficult.

You said you are frightened by the fact that you fell in love with your teacher. Don't be worried by this or think you are unusual. Many people develop feelings for teachers because we can feel supported by them and they can care about us. For many people, their teachers are the best role models they have in their lives and develop strong feelings as a result.

Unfortunately you can't make yourself forget about him or stop liking him. Often the more we try to push something (or someone) out of our mind, the harder it is to do. So try to let go of the shame around loving him and the belief that you need to stop thinking about him in this way.

It may be helpful to remind yourself what while there are many things you like about him, it may be a picture you have developed in your mind, because you haven't seen him for awhile. Also, think about what you want from a relationship and if you feel you would want the same things, considering the age difference between you.

Have you been spending time with guys at uni? Sometimes it just helps to spend time with other guys. You may not develop strong feelings for them, but you might find they also have the qualities you like about your teacher.

When you are feeling frustrated that you will never get over him, remind yourself that you will, it'll just take time.

My guy and I don't draw lines about when or when not to have sex but things have changed lately. My partner is now scared about having sex when I'm menstruating or having breakthrough bleeding.

His male friends told him that menstrual material could get lodged in his urethra and cause an infection. That doesn't make sense to me. How could menstrual material be any more infectious than other body fluids that are exchanged during sex?

Lola, Ekiti

Dear Lola,

You're right. Menstrual fluid is no more likely to infect a woman's partner than sweat, saliva, or vaginal secretions caused by sexual arousal.

Unfortunately, your partner's friends are not the only ones who have been misinformed.

History taught us a lot about this. Menstruation has been misunderstood and feared in western civilization for thousands of years.

The ancient Hebrews believed that menstruation was one of many ritual impurities that required ritual cleansing. By the time of the early Christians, menstruation was seen as a physical pollution that caused all kinds of illness and disease, as well as spiritual pollution.

For example, in the year 562, the Archbishop of Arles in France declared, "Whoever has relations with his wife during her period will have children that are either leprous or epileptic or possessed by the Devil."

It is amazing how long it is taking to dispel such unhealthy notions. The widespread western phobia about menstruation was one of the excuses used until well into the 20th century to bar women from many activities allowed men: standing near or touching the altar of a church, singing in a church choir, or getting an education.

In some parts of the world, however, menstruation was seen as a source of great physical and spiritual power. In certain cultures of the South Pacific, for example, men ritually cut themselves to bleed so that they could claim that they, too, had periods.

Today, we understand that menstruation is an important part of the fertility cycle of women. We know that human females have a greater menstrual flow than any other animals.

That is because many blood vessels are needed to support the development of a human fetus if a pregnancy takes place.

When pregnancy does not take place, the supporting tissue and blood is lost in a woman's menses, and new supporting tissue develops to prepare for ovulation in support of another potential pregnancy if fertilization and implantation take place.

We also know that there is nothing dirty or unclean about menstruation. We know that menstrual fluid itself is not infectious, and it does not cause disease or sickness. Many women today enjoy their periods as a proud reminder of their femininity.

Many others see it as an uncomfortable inconvenience that they could do well without. And many have found that they can enjoy their sexuality and express themselves sexually during menstruation.

My boyfriend and I had sex and a few weeks later, we discovered we were both itchy in our genital areas. We postponed sex thinking it was just a yeast infection, his symptoms being redness and a bit of bumps, mine being itchy redness.

Two weeks later, we had sex again, thinking it was cleared, because we were symptom free and then it came back again. He has multiple bumps on and under his foreskin along with itchiness and redness. I feel slight itchiness and a little redness.

What might this be?

Kemi, Port-Harcourt

Dear Kemi,

It's really surprising that you are not having protective sex. There are a few things it might be but I can't really tell you exactly what it is although it does sound a bit like a yeast infection but you need to treat it to make it get better.

You'll need to see a doctor and explain your symptoms, which is a bit embarrassing but that's the best thing to do. I recommend going to see a doctor as you two should get a routine test for STIs, especially chlamydia, as well as make sure you're using a reliable form of birth control. So get in to see a doctor as soon as you can,

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I was raped

Dear Julie,

I have been living in shame and most times, I'm very depressed. When I was living with my uncle, one of his friends did something very bad to me and I have not been able to say it out until now. I was violently raped and on my own, I went to the hospital.

I was told that I need to get a pap test and other tests as there could be damage from the force used. I'm really frightened about the whole idea of it. Do I have to be lying down and what do they do? It's stressing me out! I'm 23 now but the rape happened when I was 22.

Chimaoke,

Enugu

Dear Chimaoke,

What happened to you was indeed very sad and I know how you feel. Having to have a genital examination, can be stressful for someone who has been raped, and so I think you need to hear, that these feelings you are having regarding the examination are completely normal.

Feeling depressed about your experience is to be expected and you shouldn't have waited for this long before opening up. You could have spoken to a trusted friend or religious leader about your experience. It is not too late though as you need regular and consistent counselling to get out depression.

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Her parents think we're too young

Aunty Julie,

My girlfriend and I are both 17.

We met this girl six months ago at a concert I went to with some friends. Before, during and after the gig, we got kind of gusting and poking each other. I added her on Facebook and we started speaking. I immediately felt that there was an attraction between us.

For sometime, we have been texting and speaking over Facebook and met up a few times. During these meet ups, we held hands, hugged and kissed. We admitted to liking each other, but here is the problem. I think it is ridiculous: her parents think we are too young. I'm almost 18 and she is t 17.

I need some advice on this issue because even though I have not known this girl for too long, I've found attraction in her and it's a pain having to get over someone before moving on to someone else, and I don't want to move on, I want to fight for what will make me happy because I know she's worth it.

Kenny, Lekki,Lagos

Dear Kenny,

Her parents are right about the legal side of things. Both of you are still minors which means her parents are her legal guardians and responsible for her care and well-being.

So it's legal for her to have that kind of relationship and her parents do have the right to have their views on who she dates and if she is old enough to be with you. It's common for parents to have worries and concerns when their daughters start dating, regardless of age differences!

If you think this girl is worth the time and effort , offer to hang out with her at her house. Get to know her parents and let them to get to know you. It's important to be respectful of their boundaries and show them you are willing to follow their rules.

It may take some time, but it'll be worth it to earn their trust and they may become more relaxed. At almost 18 and 17 respectively, I expect both of you to be more focused on your education now and postpone serious relationship even though you can be platonic friends.

------------------------------------------------------

My mom is too protective

Aunty Julie,

I'm worried about my mom and her attitude to my relationships. No lady seems good enough for me and she keeps sending them away. I'm currently dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now.Recently, my overly protective mother saw me and my girlfriend making out on the couch. And then she separated us and made my girlfriend leave!

My girlfriend later called and told me that if my mom is going to control our relationship, then we may as well just be friends. I told her that it was okay because my mom usually gets weird like that.

After my girl left, my mom got mad and told me that she wasn't allowed near our house any more. I don't know what to do! I really love my girlfriend and she really loves me, but my mom keeps getting between us and makes my girlfriend unsure if she still wants to date me!

It is not the first time. What should I do about my overly protective mom? Would I be able to settle down in a married relationship because the way she is going, an angel has to come down from heaven to meet her standard for me.

I am 25, a University graduate and I'm working but I live with my mom. I like that setting but she is encroaching too much into my affairs.

Bobby, Benin

Dear Bobby,

While you are living with your mom in her house, you need to stick to her rules I'm afraid! The best advice is to try to compromise with her show her that you are prepared to meet her half way. Maybe you could explain to your mom that you really love your girlfriend and you would really like to have her blessing for you to be together.

You could put it to your mom that you invite your girlfriend around to lunch over a weekend. Maybe you could offer to cook so that your mom and girlfriend have a chance to get to know each other. Or, you could invite your mom and your girlfriend out for lunch somewhere on "neutral ground" so your girlfriend doesn't feel intimidated by your mom.

Your mom won't be able to stop you from seeing your girlfriend unless your girlfriend decides she has had enough but she will be able to make life hard for you both. Try to work it out the most diplomatic way you can. If this fails, you may just have to stick to mom's rules in the house.

Maybe you could spend more time with your girlfriend and her family. Who knows-maybe if you do that, then your mom might miss you and decide to be a bit more hospitable to your girlfriend.If you are being respectful of your mom's house rules but encouraging open communication between your mom and your girlfriend, hopefully you will get the outcome you want.

Thank you for touching peoples lives through relationship counseling. I read your column and I love what you are doing. Please I have also my own issue and will appreciate if you look into it.

I have been living with this man for over a year and I'm really not sure if he's the one for me. The problem is that: he wants to do, literally, everything I do, and everything together. He wants us to wake up together in the morning, shower together, leave for work together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to bed at the same time. I feel like he's infringing on my individuality, and I feel like he's clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I've given up my morning exercise routine because it bothered him that we didn't spend mornings together. I'm a writer and I like to do some writing in the mornings. I really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself. Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too. When he does this, I feel like he's a little puppy dog who just needs to follow me around all day and do everything I do. If I say I don't WANT him to do that, he feels rejected and as if something is wrong because I don't want him there all the time.

It's not that I don't want to do anything together. It's very enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner together every night, which I also love. On the other hand, I also wonder if I'm making up this story about his lack of independence and perhaps I'm not allowing myself to "be" with a man. I wonder sometimes if he's "good enough," and then I feel guilty that I'm such a "snob." My anger bubbles up around these issues all the time. What do I do?

Hilda, Abuja

Dear Hilda,

Maybe I can start by saying that you are the lucky one. A lot of woman complain about their men not paying them enough attention but your case is different. Many will envy your situation. But like you pointed out, people in relationships need time apart and need their own lives in order for the relationship to work. So I am wondering why you have been willing to give this part of yourself up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing, instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection? After all, you know you are not rejecting him when you want some space and time – you are taking care of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for him, you can gently help him deal with the feelings, instead of trying to fix the situation so that he does not feel rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself again. I think this will change how you feel about him.

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