So I had a heart test last week. I’m leading with that in case any of you were planning to give me a hard time about being gone for so long. Making you feel guilty right out of the gate is a neat deflector when I don’t have a good explanation for my absence other than “lazy” and “in a highly committed relationship with my sofa.”

I had stress echocardiogram to be exact, which is usually prescribed when someone is having chest pains and the like. I wasn’t having chest pains or shortness of breath but I could feel my heart inside my chest. When I can feel my ovaries inside my abdomen, I know the pain is coming and that there’s no amount of Advil or chocolate or heating pads that will make that pain stop, so when I became suddenly aware of a new sensation in my heart, I assumed it would be the same. Like all rational people, when the sensation hit at 2:00 am, I self-diagnosed “impending heart attack” and took an aspirin and then toyed with the idea of writing a living will in case I kicked off in the middle of the night. Note that I did not drive myself to the ER or make a doctor’s appointment, nor did I write a living will.

Perhaps I will do that now in case I ever do kick off in the middle of the night.

Jimmie’s LivingWill:

Do not put me on a machine to live.

Give away every organ you can.

Incinerate the remainder of me or donate the remainder of me to science.

Martie is to sell my house and pocket the equity, give my car to whichever kid is next in line to get one, and use my retirement money for somebody’s college education.

Woney gets my Tiffany bow necklace, Daisy can have back the earrings she lent me, Phranke gets Seamus (because Murphy will expire from a broken heart when I do), and Martie gets all the rest.

There. Done.

After self-diagnosing “impending heart attack” three or four times, I did make an appointment with my doctor who scheduled my stress echo, and clearly I am okay because I told you in the title that I was. Here’s the good part, though, the part you have been waiting for ever since I started this post. I had to take my clothes off for this test. And because I had to take my clothes off, I handled this doctor’s appointment with as much aplomb and finesse as all my other doctors’ appointments wherein my clothing has to be removed. Here’s the breakdown of that visit:

Pro:

Nothing is wrong with my heart.

Cons:

I waited 52 minutes for my test. I asked and was told twice that there was no back up and that my appointment would happen right on time but I waited 52 minutes and had to listen to not only Rachael Ray’s talk show but also The Price is Right.

I had to wear a gown.

The schedulers told me three times I could keep my clothes on but I had to wear a gown.

The gown was too small.

Steven, a student, was invited to observe my test for which I had to wear a gown that was too small.

It took too much screeching at a pitch only dogs could hear before we all agreed that having Steven the student join us was a bad idea. My throat hurt.

No matter how much screeching at a pitch only dogs could hear that I did, I still had to hoof it 12 minutes on a treadmill with no braand in a gown that was too small.

It took too much screeching at a pitch only dogs could hear for one of the technicians to finally say to her co-workers, “You know, we should probably try to remember what this is like on both sides of the table, shouldn’t we?”

My eyes looked like two peas in the snow for 48 hours from all the crying.

Pro:

The gown wasn’t paper.

With excellent test results, I’m still left with the question of what’s causing my new occasional heart sensation. A few months ago I began a new eating plan in an effort to rid myself of all of these pesky hips and stomachs I have collected. I cut out all grains, all diet sodas, and most sugar. My only treats are unsweetened tea, delicious, and 90% cacao chocolate, which on the first pass tastes like scorched coffee grounds with a hint of cocoa but on the third or fourth pass tastes like divinity made by God, Himself. I’ve lost a small hunk of weight due to this eating plan – not enough that you will be clamoring for me to sun myself at your beach parties so that you may behold the beauty of my body, but enough that my pants are too big. It also seems that this new eating plan has done something to the sensitivity of my insides because caffeine, found in both of my meager and sad treats, causes me heart sensations that I do not enjoy. There’s nothing wrong with me that cutting out my two pitiful and pathetic treats won’t fix.

I mean, I’m guessing. We have no answer for my heart feelings, but as we all have learned, I’m the master at self-diagnosing. I’m so, so good at it, so good in fact that I get to pay an enormous chunk of my medical deductible off early in the year for a test that told me absolutely nothing was wrong and that I am free to be sick as a dog for the whole rest of the year without monetary penalty from my insurance company. I have no delicious treats with which to console myself but spending $2200 to discover that when I feel my heart in my chest, the pain of losing my favorite creature comforts is coming and there really is no amount of chocolate, Advil, or heating pad that can fix it.

My dentist and I are no longer friends. I’m sad about that because I really like him and his staff. They always do a lovely job of prodding around my teeth with a razor sharp pic and they offer the minty tooth polish which I prefer over the fruity tooth polish which everyone knows is gross.

I had an appointment at 3:50. At 4:20 I was still sitting in the chair with the stupid napkin around my neck and had seen no one. I took off the napkin and was headed out, already mad. The dentist caught me as I was leaving and we had a discussion. Wait. We had a Discussion. We exchanged words that weren’t unpleasant necessarily but we both were pretty upset. In my anger, I decided it was best to stop talking and didn’t say what I wanted to say. Instead I shut my mouth (or opened it, as it were), reclined in the chair and had my tooth fixed with tears streaming back into my hair.

The thing is, it doesn’t have to be that way.

The argument is often made that everyone should expect the wait for a medical professional, that it’s just the way things work. I, respectfully, disagree. It is only that way because we allow it to be that way. Is it too much to ask that I be given the courtesy and the opportunity to value my time for myself? Communicate with me. Let me decide if it is worth my time to wait or to reschedule if you are behind. Emergencies happen, but your emergency should not have to cost me. I have enough of my own that cost me plenty. Simply tell me, when I ask, that you are behind. I’ll happily make other arrangements and come back when the timing is more convenient for both of us.

I won’t go back to my dentist, the man I’ve seen for nearly seven years. I’m not mad and stomping off like a brat, but I think we both said things that cannot be unsaid. So I’ll find another dentist, hopefully one who has an amazing staff and respects my time enough to simply communicate, to let me know, to let me be the grown up who can make a decision for myself about whether I sit in a napkin or leave to continue my day. And I’m pretty sure he will find another patient who is just as lovely as I am, who pays her bills on time and who doesn’t sport the (rarely) bitchy attitude that I carry.