Monday, July 14, 2008

What I Learned From TV

I have read so many articles criticizing the effects of television on young people, but they neglect to mention the positive things. Television is what unifies and defines our culture as a big community. Forget big cars, warfare and jingoism. TV is the one thing that truly unites (and edifies) us. I just get teary when I think of it. I was probably eight or nine when I started watching the the Donny & Marie Show, The Love Boat, Wonder Woman and Fantasy Island. They are truly brilliant shows that I'm proud to have watched taught me so much about what to expect from adult life in America:

1. All you have to do to be super hot is take you glasses off and let your hair down. If you don't, no one will ever recognize you or think you're hot.

2. Being smart is for suckers. If you're a woman and you're smart, then she should pretend to be dumb for a half hour in order to get a boyfriend. At least she should take off her glasses.

3. All women grow up to be skinny with huge boobs. If you don't then there's something wrong with you and you need to starve yourself and stuff your bra unless you want to be a freak.

4. Infidelity is hilarious. So I knew that when I grew up and Donny Osmond cheated on me, I would just laugh and kiss him at the end of a half hour.

5. I thought I'd spend much more time wearing low-cut evening gowns than I do.

So as I grew into adolescence I got to appreciate the much underrated 1980's success story movie. I knew that when I grew up and went into the work force I would find something challenging, then an 80's anthem would play to a montage of me in glasses working really, really hard and then I would have a really cool sports car. Although by then, I wouldn't have put Donny Osmond in there riding shotgun anymore. I don't know maybe Sting, or David Bowie or both. They would be enjoying how my giant boobs looked in an evening gown and then I'd really surprise them by taking my glasses off and letting down my hair. We would speed off while laughing uproariously about their latest infidelity.

Blicky Kitty will return after this next commercial. Maybe it's one of the black Burger King ones where the entire clientele is African American and they have way cooler music. Did this places really exist or was segregation just limited to the commercials in the seventies?