Wuz a time when a feller could get hissef hung from the nearest tree jes’ fer stealin’ a $10 horse. Now that we’uns is heducated ‘n ceeveelized, a feller kin pinch ‘n lose$80 billion fum our saddlebags ‘n we give ‘im $10 million fer doin’ it. If that don’t beat all!

Buffaloed Bill

Last week we stole, too. We stole a glance at our quarterly IRA balances that are supposed to carry us into our old age without reliance on the kids or the taxpayers. Under current circumstances, a lot of us, we fear, may not make it all the way without munching on the contemporary saving grace - dogfood.

Which causes us to take another look at our institutions, financial advisers, brokers, laws, rules, politicians and last but not least, ourselves for not knowing enough about this risky business of putting our savings in somebody else’s hands to, at the least, preserve the principal.

Well, it ain’t happening. When you don’t have that much to begin with and you’re down 20 to 30 percent of what you had just a month or so ago that took you 40 years to accumulate, you wonder if it isn’t all some kind of sick joke.

Who would ever think the money handlers from Harvard, Yale, Wharton et al and all those self-promoting schemers, salesmen and strategists that we thought were looking out for the collective “us” could turn out to be so flip and stupid as to loan money to people they knew couldn’t pay it back.

And do it in such a complex, covert and convoluted way that few outside a tight circle could fathom the depth of the shenanigans and contain them, like steadying a vat of hot melted steel from tipping over onto us.

I’m certain Osama Bin Hiding is slamming his head on a cave wall somewhere on the Afghan-Pakistan border mumbling a new mantra over and over again: “Why didn’t I think of this. Bang! Why didn’t I think of this. Bop! The great America on its knees, dragging the whole world behind it, and I can’t take credit for it.”

All our politicians and financiers with big estates claim they didn’t see it coming, but, in a speech Sept. 23 before the United Nations, Iran’s Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared the “American Empire” was reaching “the end of the road” – this only days before the economic bombshell exploded.

A few big players and the middle-class workers generally take the worst of a recession-come-depression via lost jobs and insufficient assets to see them through. Just the other day when the market was getting lower than a snake’s belly, a lunch companion was bemoaning his portfolio’s decline instead of, as usual, boasting about its steady rise, ignoring the old saw that what goes up comes down.

He looked at me through furious eyes, knowing full well I’m just a bit player and therefore unfazed because I have little to lose. He looked at me as though I didn’t understand him, didn’t feel the pain, because I’m not wealthy. “I’m not talking a few thousand here,” he said condescendingly. “I’m talking hundreds of thousands.”

I thought, poor guy, been chasing his tail all these years and didn’t know it. Maybe he lost $400,000 and has only $3 million left. How will he get by? That’s when it’s comforting to know the Salvation Army’s soup kitchen is just up the street when you have only $3 million left. Smug no more at the poorhouse door.

In my book, common sense and rejection of the greed incentive bolstered by a few learning experiences trumps advice you might buy from a stranger who wants to get his hands on your boodle. Rule number one is if you don’t have much to gamble – and the market is a gamble - then don’t gamble. Play it safe. Rule two is diversify, the old “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” rule – even if the basket is mutual funds.

I generally slipped out of “the market” upon my first retirement some years ago when I saw annuities paying 6.75 percent for 12 years and safe certificates of deposit hovering around 5 percent.

Granted, I’m not getting rich, but I’m keeping up with inflation and that’s plenty fine. Despite some losses I’m still a stretch from the poor house…albeit a long, drawn-out depression will require more frugality, which is standard operating procedure for those who are already prudent.

My best (free) advice for these times? Avoid a heart attack and suicidal thoughts. It’s only paper. Take the losses gracefully. Simmer down, hang in. Better days are coming, Ahmadinejad notwithstanding.