Men of Texas, do you want a colonoscopy? A vasectomy? Viagra? Well, hold your horses until your doc can give you a pamphlet containing:

scientific information that must be verified and supported by research that is recognized as medically accurate, objective, and complete by the National Institutes of Health and affiliated organizations. The booklet must contain medical information related to the benefits and concerns of a man seeking a vasectomy, Viagra prescription, or a colonoscopy. The booklet must contain artistic illustrations of each procedure.

The bill’s author did not specify medium or style, so we suggest an artist who can illustrate the pamphlet in the free and easy style of the 70s-era Joy of Sex.

[Those images are burned in our brain, so they might as well be burned in yours. Thanks for having a lousy hiding place for your erotic literature, fourth grade friend’s parents … ]

But back to HB 4260. The bill requires a 24-hour waiting period and informed consent for colonoscopies, vasectomies, or Viagra prescriptions.

In other words, don’t show up at noon Friday expecting to watch the Friday evening sunset from a pair of clawfoot tubs on on a ridge in the Hill Country with your best gal. Or best guy. Or whoever.

No same-day hubba-hubba-in-the-tubba for you.

You’ll be sent home to think about things.

But just to think. Do not get your hands involved, unless you spend that 24-hour period in the company of a “supervising physician for masturbatory emissions,” as established in§173.008, lest you run afoul of §173.010(a) and (b):

(a) Emissions outside of a woman’s vagina, or created outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100 civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life.

(b) Penalties collected under this section will be deposited in a fund established by the Department of Family and Protective Services for the purpose of the care and services provided to children in the conservatorship of the Department of Family Protective Services in order to assist in the assertion of the importance of the sanctity of life.

Shall we go into the details of the medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and rectal sonogram?

Or shall we just write digital rectal exam and rectal sonogram once more so you can squirm and wonder how quickly sine die can get here?

Should we ask Rep. Alvarado to remind you what that wand looks like?

Do we need to get Ms. T up to the back podium snapping a latex glove on her hand to make a point about this bill and the all-too-serious ones it is designed to ridicule? Because she has not hesitated to use props in the past, and we’re guessing that she would relish the opportunity to share her two cents and then some on HB 4260.

We are skeptical about this bill ever receiving a committee hearing. In fact, we’re pretty sure Rep. Byron Cook would flee the state before he’d preside over testimony about a 24-hour waiting period for Viagra in the State Affairs Committee.

But we applaud Rep. Farrar for filing HB 4260 to make the point that Texans are exhausted and disgusted the genitally-obsessed Republican fixation on regulating medical procedures that do not involve them.

About Author

Andrea, an activist, fundraiser, feminist, writer, and baker, is not as tall as you think she is. She's been at this a long time, and wants to know what you are doing to make the pie higher and raise more hell. Her mother would like you to know she's got a law degree.