1. What insight about open relationships do you wish you had when you started?

I wish I had come into the polyamory arena knowing it was okay for it a) not to work in every relationship, b) that it was okay to have feelings about my polyamory, and c) that it was okay NOT to be okay with my polyamory every single second. I think it’s a big fallacy that, when we are poly or open, we are okay with it one hundred percent of the time–that all our relationships are lined up well, are balanced, are in good working order, and that our feelings fall in line with that. I’ve found that such a delicate balance is usually not in play–someone might be feeling ignored or threatened by a new partner, the time commitment isn’t there, your relationship is going through difficult changes, etc. I had to learn that it was not perfect all the time.

I wish I had known ahead of time how much work goes into poly arrangements–how much personal work, and how much interpersonal work. No poly arrangement is hatched fully formed without at least a little bit of growing pain somewhere, be it personally or in another relationship or whatever. I think it’s sometimes believed that, somehow, poly arrangements are LESS work than monogamous ones. I think they are equal work, or are work in different ways, with similar goals of having a functional, healthy relationship(s).

2. What has been the hardest thing about opening your relationship, and how have you overcome that?

I think my own insecurities have been the most difficult thing thus far, and I have not overcome them nor do I think I ever will. It’s a matter of managing them and addressing them as necessary, and doing the work on WHY they are insecurities and what I can do about them, with help from my partner(s) as necessary. I think that’s also a big fallacy in open and/or poly arrangements–that insecurities magically disappear and are never dealt with again.

3. What has been the best thing about your open relationship?

The sense of personal freedom and validation. I feel like, being poly, I can bring all of myself to the table in ways I was not able to when I was trying to be monogamous. That’s not to say that monogamous people do not bring their full selves into their relationships–I just couldn’t. I feel like I can be transparent with who I am and with my needs and, if my partner(s) are not into something or can’t meet that need, I am free to go elsewhere to have that need met.

4. Anything else you’d like to add?

I feel like people believe that polyamory is kind of a better way than monogamy and I don’t think it’s true–I think they are just different animals and some people are suited to one or the other. There shouldn’t be judgement attached to the ways in which we are able to love.

Want more? You’re insatiable.

1 Comment

First of all, thanks Sinclair for doing these interviews and putting people’s poly perspectives out there for our perusal. (I didn’t mean for that to have so many P’s.)

Second, thanks to all the folks that are willing to put their thoughts out there for all of us to read and let rattle around in our own brains. I don’t know about others, but I certainly don’t have any sort of poly community except a little bit online and so it’s really nice to be ‘in dialogue” about this, even if often only vicariously.

Finally, I teach Women’s Studies classes and the majority of students are appalled at the idea of polyamory. They read about it, I offer some of my own experiences, they talk about it, and they usually are very much against the idea. (Though to be fair, some, as to be expected, find it quite intriguing.) Perhaps chalk it up to youth? (Though I first “discovered” it in high school and I’m only 33 now – not so old myself. So it’s interesting to read Alex’s answer to #4 above that “people believe that polyamory is kind of better way than monogamy.” I wonder what people you’re talking about!? (I say this with a tone of awe and hopefulness, not one of confrontation or disrespect.) I’d love to meet some people who think that poly is at least on par with monogamy, but that hasn’t yet been my experience so far – outside of reading books and blogs on the subject.

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