The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath.

I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Can't see the line, can you Russ?

[Handing Christmas lights to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [Pulls out a huge tangle of lights] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [Hands it to Russ]

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.

[To Eddie] Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?

Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang ten!

Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy and I sold him my house for that right there Vehicle

They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

[Clark Griswold stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet into the sewer drain] Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!

[walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark. [to Mr. Shirley] You about ready to do some kissing?

Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

Over here? Well this is nothin...but if this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

[After finding out that Clark is getting to be a member of the Jelly of the Month Club instead of getting his bonus] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.

Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend?

Clark: Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. [Mops his forehead with a pair of panties] Well, I guess it just wouldn't... [Realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back] Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary: You have your coat on.

Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?

Mary: Because it's cold out?

Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' [Laughs] What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.

Mary: That's my name.

Clark: No shit.

[While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]

Clark: Lewis?? [Tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp] MY TREE!

Uncle Lewis: What's the matter with you?

Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!!![Notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes] LEWIS! [Uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]

[Others come in and look at the destroyed tree]

Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.

Uncle Lewis: At least it's out of its misery!

Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.

Clark Griswold: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis: Great Scott, did the room clear out, Bethany? No way, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Aunt Bethany: This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Ellen: Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.

Aunt Bethany: Hello, everybody?

Ellen: Just in the living room...

Aunt Bethany: I should say it?

Ellen: You should say it.

Aunt Bethany: Hello, everybody!

Ellen: Hello, everybody.

Russ: Dad.

Clark: Yeah.

Russ: This box is meowing.

Clark: Let me see.

[Clark takes the present, shakes it, and a cat wildly meows]

Clark: She wrapped up her damn cat!

Ellen: Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.

Clark: Then we'll have a cat running around the house.

Ellen: We can't leave it in the box.

Russ: Why would someone put a cat in a box?

Ellen: She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Louis don't have much money, so she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, and gives them away as presents.

Russ: [Mock enthusiasm]Great! Can't wait to see what I got.

Eddie: [comes in with another of Aunt Bethany's gifts] This one here, it's leakin'. [Ellen touches the liquid coming out with her finger and Eddie lick it] It's lime!

Ellen: That would be her Jell-O mold.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?

Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Ellen: What are you looking at?

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]

Eddie: [yells] Shitter was full!

Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Eddie: Well, they replaced it with a plastic one 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it ain't real sturdy so... I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Eddie: [gesturing over the left side of his head] Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and the other side... [bangs his right side] Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

Clark: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Eddie: [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.

Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

Todd: I don't KNOW, Margo.

Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.

Todd: I can't just attack someone.

Margo: All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this junk, then I am.

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Audrey: I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

[everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads]

Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, [Clark makes a confused face towards Aunt Bethany] and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]

Art: [sarcastically] Beautiful, Clark.

Frances: Talk about spending your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard, Grandma.

Art: So do washing machines.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty: Sure, Dad.

Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.

Catherine: Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

[As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel]

Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Ellen: You are not going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!

Clark: Well honey, what do you suggest?

Clark Sr: (extreme close up) SQUUUIIIIRRRREEELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies.

Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark: If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas.

Clark: Hey, kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. [the kids sit up excitedly]

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen: Are you okay?

Art: The little lights aren't twinkling.

Clark: I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

[Snots is choking under the table making it shake]

Clark: Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?

[Snots gags again, table shakes]

Eddie: (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.

[Snot coughs up the bone]

Eddie: He got it up. He's alright, now.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. [Ellen gives him a glare for his language] And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!

Art: You're goofy.

Clark: Don't piss me off, Art.

Ellen: Clark, it's over.

Clark: Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.

Clark, Sr.: Clark.

Clark: Stay out of this, Dad.

Ellen: Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark: Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!!

Clark: My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Clark: ...is innocent.

Clark: [yells] RUSS?

Russ: Right here, Dad.

[Clark has just lost his tree and found out he had been stiffed on his Christmas bonus. He stalks outside the house, with his chainsaw.]