Nov 15, 2011

expect the unexpected

“U haven’t proposed me for marriage Nikhil. Let’s do something orthodox in our relation. There is nothing orthodox about our relation. When do u plan to do it?” I ask this with urging tone.“Isn’t it nice to have our relationship so different from others?” he says it simply with a smile.“no, I mean yes it’s nice that its different, but I still I want to go through this experience,” I still urge with small face.“hmm ok let’s see”, he says with simple tone.[as if I have asked him for toblerone]Imagine this discussion taking place 10 times or may be more than that since our marriage got decided. Do u think I have anything to say after “lest see!!” answer, no I don’t. But I still survive on a ray of hope…Yes our marriage has been fixed [ JJ ], after six years of a relationship. Finally it’s gonna be official [he he]. After my elder sister’s wedding my line was clear but I didn’t see it coming sooo soon. We made our parents meet up with both of us having our fingers crossed. It’s never simple, the so called marriage discussions love or arraigned. Touch wood it went well, date got decided. The funny thing is the news didn’t get registered in my chitlu pitlu brain at all. I was just not able to imagine that we would be getting married. So that was another reason why I wanted this proposal thing so bad. I mean we were strangers, then acquaintance, then friends, we started liking each other but we skipped the whole proposing thing there as well cos it was just a mutual feeling. It was just understood. Then folks meet up, wedding date everything happened on its own. Now don’t u think me urging him for formal proposal is justified???Since then the above discussion has been a part of our talks often [quite often to be precise ]. And to top it all me being the way I am , also knowing the way he is I gave him a deadline [I know stupid effort but still] cos if he wants to do it he would do it and if he doesn’t feel like doing it he won’t. The deadline and all goes down the drain. Just the optimistic part of me was making me do it and left it upto him then.We all know when the marriage gets fixed the major change which takes place in ur life is, all ur free time all ur weekends everything gets centered around only one thing “Shopping”. [and not the two people who are getting married]. Did I ever tell you, that I hate shopping like anything but do I have an option now?? NO!!It’s evident now that this time my reason for Hyderabad trip was my wedding shopping with my would be mother in law [I still call her aunty though .hehe..] now it being an official trip definitely I would use it well as a reason which ended up making my trip four days trip unlike my other weekend trips. J. Majority of my time was going in shopping for this and that. The sad part was Nikhil didn’t accompany me anywhere L this was the 1st time I was roaming around in the city without him. It was fun though being with aunty trying to know different saree types and other thing. Thankfully second day was all reserved for us, especially for his shopping. Spent the whole day shopping bought him a good stuff [he looks very hot in blazers, had a big smile to see him wear something like that] shopped for me as well. U would be surprised to know that this was the first time we shopped together in all these years. I think it’s given cos of we being anti-shopping people JIt took our whole day then went for pub where there was a small surprise waiting for Nikhil. I went and got dressed in a nice party wear. I guess it would be a good surprise after a long shopping day. And sure it worked, saw that rare sweet broad smile on his face along with admiring twinkly eyes. [Worth carrying the luggage whole day ;) ] By the way this was another thing we did for the first time, going to pub together and dance. We got a threatening call from aunty in the middle of a party so we ran like wind and reached home and crawled to our respective room [ I know L ].After sometime I went to him to say good night, I hugged him wished him good night and about to leave but he still had his arms wrapped around me, he hugged me tight and said “let me hold u like this for some time , it’s been long I held u like this.” I hugged him back tightly. We were quite holding each other just listening our heartbeats.Then he said, “I have never hugged you like this... I missed you”“I miss t…” I was about to say but he continued..“I miss you when I wake up in the morning and wanna see your face. I miss you when I come home after a very long hard day, n wish to see your smiling face. I miss you when I got to sleep. I miss you when I am going to some party, when I go to try new places. I miss you when I am at sazio enjoying my hukah. I miss you when I am sad and just want u next to me. I miss you when u are all low and I want to be there for you. I miss u.. I miss u loads. And I don’t want to miss you anymore. So miss darshana pawar will u marry me? so that I never ever miss you so much”I tucked my head in his embrace, with a big damn big smile on my face, small tears in my eyes [thankfully it was dark and he didn’t see them] the only word came to me was “ishh!” I just couldn’t say anything I was just so so sooo overwhelmed, so happy that I just kept smiling couldn’t even gather my guts and look in his eyes.“I will always make sure this smile on ur face remains there. I will keep u so happy that even if I am not around u would not miss me. I will always be there by ur side. U are my strength and I know together we will have a wonderful life. So miss darshana pawar will you marry me? so I will always be able to hold you like this”I held him tighter, n just smiled and could manage to say “ishh!” [again]. I kept holding onto him, holding onto the moment. The special moment of my life, the moment I was waiting for so badly. The moment I never knew how I would react to. The moment I never knew would happen like this. The moment whose memory would always make me blush in the future. The moment so special for both of us. The moment which was just like him, different from everybody, mesmerizing. Just so unorthodox, like our very relationship. I could have never asked for it to happen better than this. Even after all those discussions and urging and begging, pleading : P for this I just couldn’t answer “yes” to him.“Yes, Mr. Moyal, yes I will’.Given a chance I would have shout on top of my voice and say yes to you.Say yes to the dream we have imagined.Say yes to the dream we will be living together.Say yes to every small little moment I will be spending with you.Say yes to the happiness.Say yes to our happiness.Say yes to share every breath till the last one.Love you

Feb 9, 2011

change

Mind, its all about the confusion. i always keep wondering , if could name mind as some thing else. then "Tornado", or "mixer grinder" or any crappy combination of alphabets like "tsfjsgfjs". Some name that u can’t decipher the meaning of it

I mean how much one has to try, how much one has to think, and how much actually falls in place any which ways. and why should one even try so hard when u know it wont go the way you would want it to. Mind, just a pi9ce of gooey mess.

You know what's worse? The preconceived notion. That’s the worse thing of all. Coz that reduces the tiny little bit of scope u have to improve on anything. to convince someone that what they might have assumed you to be , u aren't that way at all, and its the situation put u in that positionand made u be this way.

Change is what we humans are scared of. Change is something we are skeptical about. And yet change is what we crave for. but even when we know changeis inevitable , why don't we prepare our mind to except it. i know it might take time to get used to the change , but isn't it true that, once we get used to the change it wont remain as a change then...

If we think this way and have some patience to hold on to it. Let the time play its game. I m sure it wouldn't be that frustrating for us and the people around us. Who bear all our tantrums?

I just wish whoever reads this gives it just one try and think about it.