Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stephen’s Bachelorette recap week 3

This week’s episode was about four things: an intervention, Disney’s The Lone Ranger, more drama between Michael, Mikey, and Ben, and . . . hope.

Let’s take them in order.

INTERVENTION.

Long story short, Brian allegedly has/had a girlfriend back home. Chris Harrison brings her into the mansion so she can tell her side of the story, and she does. A lot. So much so that Brian loses all chance at due process under the law. I don’t think Brian said more than four and a half words during the entire confrontation—he never got the chance to fully explain himself.

That being said, I agree he should be sent home for two reasons. 1: he admitted to sleeping with this woman right before joining the show. and 2: Desiree doesn’t need this kind of drama around. If previous Bachelorette seasons teach you anything, it’s to amputate any and all toxic drama as early as possible.

THE LONE RANGER.

There was supposed to be a group date in the second half of the show, but I think ABC’s advertising and marketing departments hijacked the stage and replaced it with a prolonged TV spot for The Lone Ranger.

And guess what? . . . I LOVED IT. I remember watching “The Lone Ranger” re-runs when I was a little kid. MAN! Did I ever want to be the Lone Ranger. And Robin the Boy Wonder (I was too young to be Batman, that would not have made sense). And Indiana Jones. And James Bond. (I didn’t want to be Walker Texas Ranger, but only because I didn’t realize who Chuck Norris would one day become.)

Between the commercials, however, there was a sweet moment where Desiree gave Bryden the “go-ahead” to kiss her. For shy guys, there is nothing more awesome than when a girl gives a clear, honest, and unambiguous sign that says “kiss me.” Girls, take note.

MICHAEL, MIKEY, BEN: ROUND 2

In brief, because I don’t think it deserves more than a few lines: this was the biggest anti-climax of the show. Nobody got punched out, there was no prolonged arguing, and it ended before it even started. I feel betrayed by the previews.

HOPE

When I was in middle school and on into early high school (and let’s not fool ourselves, even a little through college), I battled with one of the single most dominating questions a red-blooded American boy can ponder: why does the girl I like date a jerk? I suppose another way to ask this is “why doesn’t the girl I like date ME?,” but that takes it in a different direction.

I looked pretty good, at least on paper: I got good grades, kept out of trouble, didn’t break the rules, participated in sports, went to church, was moderately funny, and had a good relationship with my mom. It didn’t make sense why dating was so complicated.

In retrospect, considering this all started in seventh grade—of COURSE it was complicated.

But every once in a while, one of the “good guys” would rise above the jock-crowd and win the girl over.

This week, his name was Chris.

Chris got the rose on the first group date tonight, and in doing so, validated the old saying “nice guys finish last . . . until they’re 25.”

There are so many parallels between Chris’s triumph and middle school, it’s scary. The date happened during gym class. The game that day was Dodgeball. The Red team had Blade, Laser, Blazer, Me’Shell, and Fran. The Blue team had Peter La Fleur, Kate, Justin, and Steve the Pirate. The good guys won in the end (mostly because Chuck Norris helped out), and our hero used his brain to win the girl. There was also some middle school slow-dancing.

Now, granted, considering Chris was a pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, he is a little less average than your regular average joe, but considering the level of competition he faced, I’m certainly rooting for him. Even when faced with Brooks’ horrifically broken finger:

Could’ve used Dr. Larry’s expertise in this episode . . . REALLY should’ve kept that guy around longer), Chris took home the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open trophy by finding a romantic and secluded spot he could take Desiree to—the helipad on top of the roof!!

The end of the date practically writes itself! (And then they slow danced, 6th grade style: guy’s hands stay religiously on the girl’s waist, and her arms stay around his neck. Proceed to sway back and forth, avoiding eye contact.)

Chris got a rose, and gave hope to every normal guy out there.

Rachel: My top three picks for Desiree this week are Drew, Bryden, and Chris.Drew isn’t getting any screen time, but I’m still hopeful. Bryden and Desiree are so smitten with each other—they make perfect sense.And Chris—so normal, so nice. Besides, he was a CUB! :)

Sorry to see Dan go because we never really got to know him. I liked his “cheesy” pizza line.

But I was so ready to see Brandon go home! He was a crying train wreck. Saying he’s falling in love in week 3? Better to break his heart now than later.

oh my gosh i feel like the guys should have gotten a wardrobe budget this season what is with the weird tanks and then the neon during the pool party?? seriously!! i agree with you about ABC promoting the lone ranger way too much i mean yes we know the movie is coming out already i get it!

Loving Chris too!!! And glad Brandon went home, he was just too much! I was disappointed as when that the Ben confrontation didn't result in anything. That is the last time I trust a preview from this show!!