Tag Archives: Life

As a boy growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, Star Wars had a huge impact on my life. My buddies and I played with Star Wars figures, I’m pretty sure I had Star Wars bedsheets (it was either my brother or I, I’m not sure which), and I remember my dad making an awesome R2D2 birthday cake for me one year. Luke, Han, Vader, the cool ships and creatures, Leia’s slave girl oufit (hey, that was pretty memorable as a 9 year old boy!)…

Star Wars was awesome, and in many ways I see myself as part of the “Star Wars Generation”.

When I was in my mid 20’s it was announced that George Lucas (creator of Star Wars) would be revisiting the Star Wars universe, and myself and a bunch of buddies were pretty excited. A group of us got together and got tickets for the first of the prequel movies – “The Phantom Menace”. I remember the anticipation and the excited buzz from the crowd as we waited in line to see it…

And, well, it kinda sucked.

Over the next few years two more prequel movies came out, and they weren’t very good either. Sure they have some good scenes in them, and some of the character designs are pretty cool (Darth Maul was awesome). But as movies? Well, they are almost unwatchable at times.

I remember thinking maybe it was just nostalgia. Maybe the early movies were just as bad, but I was a kid at the time and I have all these great memories of playing with buddies in the yard.

I don’t think that’s it though. I know the original trilogy really well, and when I go back and watch them they still hold up as solid movies.

The prequels on the other hand? Well, they weren’t great to begin with and the past 15 or so years have not been kind to them.

Over the years I’ve wondered – why are they so bad?

I won’t pretend to *know* why they are so terrible, but based on an interview I remember seeing I have a guess.

When the original trilogy was made, George Lucas was George Lucas. By the time the prequels game out however, he was GEORGE FREAKING LUCAS!!! He was this visionary genius who created a series that was beloved by millions of people and multiple generations across the world. And I suspect he was at a point that people were scared to say no to him – or if they did, he probably didn’t have to care. He was in full creative control. He could make the movies he wanted, however he wanted…

So he did.

Looking back at my early dating days, I remember an argument I had with my first serious girlfriend. We had been out with a group of friends and she said something about one of my buddies (who was with us at the time) that was both inappropriate and out of line. I was pretty upset with her about what she said, so I called her on it; and she didn’t appreciate it.

When we got home that day, we had a fight where she told me that she expected me to always back her up and support her. I told her that in calling her out on what she had said, I *was* actually supporting her – just not in the way she wanted.

As a disclaimer here we were really young at the time, probably in our early 20’s. And at that age she felt that part of “loving someone” was always agreeing with them.

I didn’t see it that way.

Even at that age, I saw value in having your own mind and your own opinions. And in being both able and willing to stand up for them – even when it made things uncomfortable around the people you care about.

Most people don’t like conflict. And perhaps as a result we find ourselves drawn towards people who have similar beliefs. Things are nice and easy when people agree with us, and when we don’t have conflict.

But in some ways, we NEED conflict. We NEED people to challenge us – our ideas and beliefs. In fact, we should be willing to challenge them ourselves. As we grow and change, we need to be willing to ask ourselves if the things we believed in the past are still true.

Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. But if we aren’t willing to challenge them and look at things differently, we will never know.

I’m not the same person I was at 20. Or even at 30. In many aspects I am, but in other aspects I have changed. Sometimes I look back on the person I was, and I shake my head. I wish I could go back in time and shake that younger version of me, and teach him some of the things that I know he struggled to learn. And in another 10 or 20 years, I’m sure I will look back on who I am today and think, geez, I had so much to learn.

We should ALWAYS be wanting to grow, and learn. But that doesn’t happen unless we see reasons to.

And often, to see those reasons we have to first accept that we are wrong.

Thing is, we don’t usually see that on our own. If we knew that our ideas or beliefs were wrong, then we would likely adjust them. But due to our own naiveté or ego, we don’t easily see that.

We only see that when we are forced to face it. Because we have done something wrong or something that has caused harm, either to ourselves or those we care about.

I suspect that I’m no different from most people. It’s nice when people like me, or agree with me, or say nice things about me. And when people don’t, it can be difficult to hear.

But I know I’m not perfect.

I make mistakes, sometimes I’m ignorant, I say stupid things sometimes, and hurt others – just like anyone else.

So for me, I don’t WANT to be surrounded by people who will tell me how great I am. If I had that, how would I grow? Why would I need to?

No, I would argue that perhaps the most important thing in the world is having people around you who are willing to call you out on your bullshit. People who are willing to say no, and to tell you when they think you are wrong.

I want that in all aspects of my life – in my work relationships, in my friendships, and especially in my romantic relationship.

I’m not saying I want to be around people who are disagreeable and will argue for the sake of argument. But I want the people I care about to be comfortable enough with me to argue with me when they feel they need to. And I want to do the same for them.

To me that’s a big part of what love is about. Being each other’s editors; our balances, and our voices of reason.

It may not be comfortable, and we shouldn’t necessarily change our stance to accommodate others. But we should always be willing to listen without getting defensive, and try to understand others points of view.

Because sometimes understanding alternate views will allow us to look at our own in a different light.

We all come from different walks of life, and have had different things happen to us. Sometimes life goes relatively according to plan, while at other times life throws us curveballs we never could have anticipated (both good and bad).

Yet no matter what happens to us in life, we are never just passive observers caught in the wake of events.

The one element we are always in control of is how we respond to the events in our life.

That response is always our choice.

When things go wrong in our lives it’s understandable to be upset. And it’s natural to look for someone to blame.

But blame doesn’t help us.

Whatever has happened has already happened, and we can’t change it. Plus sometimes there isn’t even anyone to blame. Sometimes things just happen and all we can do is accept them.

That doesn’t mean we have to like whatever has happened, but the reality is we can’t change it.

Our only choice is in deciding how we want to move forward.

That decision is an important one, because we have to move forward. When we get caught up in blaming and we don’t move forward, we are allowing ourselves to remain stuck in the past.

I’m not suggesting people try to hold in their feelings and emotions. We’re human, and we are emotional beings. When something bad happens in our lives it’s understandable (and normal even) to be upset. Anger, sadness, fear – these are all natural responses to events and it’s important that we accept them.

However it’s also important that we process them and deal with them. Because when we don’t, those emotions can control us and keep us trapped, unable to move forward.

When someone has hurt you, it’s easy to be angry at other people for things that have happened. It’s easy to blame, and want to lash out. It’s easy to let that hurt shape you, and change you.

I don’t pretend to have any magic answers for how to do this, but when facing challenges in life I ask myself a number of questions:

How am I spending my energy, and more specifically is it in a positive way?

Can I change something?

Can I influence something, or do I need to accept it.

What can I learn from something?

In the big picture, does this really matter?

How can I best move forward?

If my energy is being spent focused on what has already happened, then I am allowing myself to be stuck in the past. Our past shapes our present, and beyond being part of our journey our past also gives us an opportunity to learn from it and try to better ourselves.

How we move forward is always our choice.

We only stay stuck if we won’t move forward, and if we can’t let go.

Sometimes letting go means letting go of the hurt and resentment that can keep us stuck. Other times it means letting go of the people in our lives who are hurting us. Letting go of people isn’t always an easy choice, but we can’t change others.

If there is something or someone is hurting us, we can’t keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome.

Something needs to change.

And if we aren’t willing to make changes, then staying where we are is also a choice.

A few weeks back, my nephew (I’ll call him J) celebrated his 16th birthday. Geez, where has the time gone?

It brought back a memory from when he was really little (maybe 5 or 6). My brother and I both worked in downtown offices just a few minutes away from each other, and for some reason he had brought my nephew to work. I worked on the 27th floor of my building, and had a great view of the city from there. I thought he would enjoy the view, so over lunch I went and brought him to my office.

We were walking around the office, checking out the view from different places; and while walking around we went by the desk of a co-worker who had a bowl of jube jubes on his desk. I told him he was welcome to have some if he wanted, and our exchange went something like this:

Me: Hey J, there are jube jubes here. Would you like some?

J: No, I don’t like those.

Me: What, you don’t like jube jubes? Really?

J: No, I’ve never tried them.

His logic made me laugh. I’ve never tried them, therefore I don’t like them. Thing is, it’s not just kids that think this way.

Take a few moments, and in your head come up with a few of the things that you enjoy, or that make you “you”.

Now think about some of the things that really “aren’t you”.

I’ve always been fascinated with the whole nature/nurture debate, and think there are definitely elements of both of these at play in how people develop and grow.

When it comes to interests and experiences though, I think you really need to be exposed to things and give them an honest chance before you can say if you like something or not.

If I look at myself, the person I was at 12 is very different from the person I was at 24, and both of those are very different from the person I am now.

Actually, that statement isn’t entirely accurate. The core “person” is probably still the same, but my interests…

Well, they’re pretty different.

At 12, I was someone who was often out riding my bike around the neighborhood or playing at the park with buddies. Sure, I was a kid, but my “alone time” was characterized by reading, drawing and listening to music in my room.

At 24 I was an adult (hah, right). I was in my career, so I was obviously at a different spot in life. Most of my “me” time was spent in a gym working out or on a basketball court. When buddies and I would get together, we were often watching movies, basketball games or playing video games. I would rarely read (for fun), and I hadn’t drawn in years at that point. Music was a constant, but the type of music I listened to was completely different.

We aren’t the same people at 12 as we are at 24, and we shouldn’t be. We experience things, and those things shape us. And the key to that is experience.

What happens if we don’t experience new things?

If we just do the same things again and again, we are shortchanging ourselves.

We aren’t giving ourselves opportunities to grow.

As a kid, I didn’t spend much time around water. Sure we went to a beach once in a while, but that was about it (hey, I grew up in the middle of the prairies). And guess what – probably as a result I was scared of water, and I never really learned how to swim. I enjoyed being “in” water, but was not comfortable getting water over my head. And that stayed that way for a long time.

Did I not “like” water? Was that just who I was?

No, I don’t think so.

I simply didn’t have a lot of opportunity to be in it, and as a result the few times I was in it, I wasn’t comfortable.

Over the years I have gotten past that fear, and I now love water. I will probably never be an accomplished swimmer, but I am completely comfortable in water. At age 39 I went snorkeling for the first time, in the tropics. I thought it was a magical, incredible experience, and I look forward to being able to do it again.

There are many, many things I have yet to do and experience. And my current approach to life is I will try almost anything twice. I say “almost” because there are certain things I have no real interest in trying, as doing so would violate some personal boundaries for me. But yeah, by and large I’m willing to trying anything twice.

I say twice because the first time you do something, you may not be able to fully appreciate it for what it is. The “newness” of the experience may override your ability to actually have the experience. Plus the experience may not really be representative of the event or experience. So it’s hard to say if it’s something you may enjoy or not.

Take trying a new type of ethnic food for example.

If you’ve never tried it, how can you say you don’t like it? And maybe the first time you try it you’re a bit hesitant because of the way it looks, or smells, or its texture or something.

That first time trying it is overcoming the any potential fears of something new. And if you didn’t really like it, maybe it was just prepared badly.

After a second try, if it’s not something you want to try again then no problem. You can at least say you gave it a chance. You tried it, and it wasn’t your thing (though our tastes can and do change over time).

As people, for some reason we seem to accept that kids change. After all, we see them growing and changing right before our eyes.

Yet for some reason we seem to think that as we grow into adulthood we become finished products. We are more likely to say “I don’t like this”, or “this is just who I am”.

We are more likely to become set it our ways, and be resistant to change.

Instead of “this is just who I am”, I think of it as “this is who I am, right now”. Change is one of the only constants in life, and we are always in the process of “becoming”.

So next time you walk by that bowl of jube jubes, be willing to give some a try.

Recently I have talked a bit about the fact that I’m currently at the tail end of a divorce that has been brewing since late 2012.

Although I am not someone who will ever “celebrate” a divorce, having it finalized will be relief. It will allow me to finally close the door on one chapter of my life (well, as much as you can when kids are involved), and truly start defining my new future.

My marriage may have turned out differently than I expected, but that doesn’t change how I think of love. I still believe in marriage. I still believe two people can allow time to deepen the bond between them, instead of letting it pull them apart. I still believe you can achieve “forever” with someone, and have that forever be a beautiful thing; where you are actively choosing your partner each and every day. I still believe it’s possible to one day be part of a couple who after decades together can walk hand in hand, still very much in love with each other.

Any longtime readers will know I’m a big believer in continuous improvement. No matter what happens to you in life, to me it’s important to take situations and try to learn from them. To look at what you may have done right, or wrong, and how you can try to improve for a better future.

I would like to think I have learned, and grown from my experiences. So maybe that learning will prepare me for the future I want.

Then I look at the numbers.

For marriage in North America the divorce rates are as follows:

First marriage – 50%

Second marriage – 67%

Third marriage – 73%

Are those number accurate? Who knows.

When looking at divorce stats sometimes I see those numbers and sometimes I find different ones. I don’t think the accuracy of the numbers is as important as the trends they show. And in every set of number I have seen the trend is the same – as the number of marriages increases so does the frequency of divorce.

Statistically at least, it looks like your first marriage is actually your best shot at “forever”. And if that’s true, maybe people DON’T actually learn.

I think that’s a pretty scary thought.

An even scarier thought is, maybe people do learn.

Maybe they are learning, about their own boundaries and about the things they will not put up with in the future.

But if learning that means the failure rate actually increases with subsequent marriages, then what does that tell you about long term relationships?

At that point, why bother?

Do we just need to accept that relationships are fleeting? That we will only have a few good years together and then things will invariably go to shit?

Personally, I can’t accept that.

I don’t really care what the stats say. Maybe it’s the exception to the rule, but I believe it’s possible to hit 20, 30, 40+ years with someone and STILL be in love with them. To wake up every day and actively choose each other (alright, maybe not *every* day, but most of them). To accept each other for who we actually are, flaws and all, instead of focusing on what we are not.

Will it happen for me?

Honestly, I don’t know.

But I believe it CAN.

I also think believing gives me the best chance.

Here’s the truth – there are NO guarantees in life.

And maybe that’s alright.

Maybe one of the keys to lasting 40-50 years is not necessarily caring if you hit 40-50 years.

Wanting to, sure. As I think that’s an important part of commitment. Plus you need to have a sense of where you want get to in order to actually get there.

It doesn’t just happen though, and you won’t actually get there if you don’t put in consistent effort.

Really, what actually matters?

The past can and should be a learning tool, but beyond that it doesn’t matter. It’s already happened.

The future gives you goals and things to work towards, but it’s not guaranteed.

All you really have is today.

So what really matters is how you treat each other today.

Are you making time for each other, even when life is busy? Are you trying to listen to and understand each other?

Do you understand your partners needs and wants in life, and are they a priority to you? Do you feel like you are a priority to them? If either of those are a no, what are you doing about it?

Do you set goals together, and try to share in each other’s victories and support each other through challenges?

Are you actively choosing them, each and every day? And not just on the days when things are easy? If so, do they know it?

Things happen. People change. The future is never certain.

But I would like to think if we actively choose each other and make each other a priority each and every day, then we always have a great chance at tomorrow.

And maybe that’s all we can really ask.

After all, 40-50 years is really just a whole heck of a lot of tomorrows.

I believed marriage was a serious commitment, and one that once made, was made for life. Almost two decades ago I stood in front of a group of family and friends, and spoke my vows:

For better or worse,

In good times and in bad,

Till death do us part

And when I spoke those words, I meant them.

Back in 2012, my wife at the time told me she “wasn’t sure if she wanted to be married anymore”, and after that day we really weren’t. She checked out on me then, though if I’m honest with myself she had checked out on me prior to that – I just didn’t see it.

I thought I was a good husband, and a good father. And doing it all over again, there really isn’t much I would do differently. However I recognize now that I was probably a better father then a husband.

There’s no point trying to think back on *what* went wrong. Realistically, I’ll never truly know. All I know is, by the time I knew we were in trouble it was already too late.

I had already lost her.

2012 to 2016 was a dark period in my life.

My marriage was in shambles, and really the only thing keeping it together (on my end, I won’t pretend to speak for her) was the fact that I didn’t believe in divorce.

I saw divorce as giving up.

I saw it as breaking my commitment, and that commitment meant the world to me.

I saw divorce as a failure, and having a broken marriage made me feel like “I” had failed.

I believed (and still believe) that how you are when times are good tells you almost nothing about yourself or your relationship. You don’t truly learn what you are made out of until you are challenged, until you struggle.

To me, how you respond to adversity and how you deal with those struggles shows who you truly are – both individually and as a couple. I did not want give up, and I did not want to quit. Not when the stakes were so high, and the future of my family depended on it.

So instead of giving up, I tried to look at things as an opportunity – an opportunity to identify whatever had gone wrong and make it better. An opportunity to improve things, and have the life we believed we could have.

I put my heart and soul into trying to make things better, for everyone. I learned as much as I could about relationships and what makes them succeed and fail. I learned about people, about motivations. And as I learned, I built this blog; as a way of trying to solidify ideas for myself plus share things that I wish I had known earlier (in the hopes that I could help, or at least give hope, to at least someone out there).

Nothing I did or learned helped my home situation, and ultimately the decision was made to end the marriage.

The early years were pretty good, and I will always be thankful that my children were born in what I look back on as a time of happiness. When we ran into challenges however, we didn’t rise to the occasion. Our marriage ran its course, and was no longer good for either of us.

Those four plus years were difficult, but I would like to think it was a period of significant growth for me personally. Growth that will hopefully be beneficial to me as I move forward.

Looking back, one of the things I ask myself is why?

Why was I so against divorce?

Why did I see it as a failure, or giving up?

In retrospect, I realize I was looking at it wrong.

The question should never have been do I believe in divorce. Rather, the question should have been what do I believe marriage should look like?

Saying I didn’t believe in divorce was operating from a position of fear, and that’s never a healthy place to be.

When I was able to re-frame the question for myself, I realized that I wasn’t actually afraid of divorce.

What I REALLY wanted was a strong marriage.

To me, a strong marriage was a marriage where two people were working together as partners. Where they set goals together, and supported each other as individuals while also not losing sight of the importance of being a couple. Where there was a focus on the relationship, and each person felt valued and heard by the other person. And where a couple is comfortable discussing anything, and actively works to improve upon the things that either partner feels needs improvement.

I didn’t have that anymore.

And although I spent considerable time and effort trying to understand what had gone wrong and what we could potentially do to “make things better”, nothing changed, and I had no reason to believe it ever would.

I don’t want to get into who was right and who was wrong, because truly, that doesn’t matter.

Our ideas on what we wanted out of life and marriage no longer fit.

WE no longer fit.

As a result, the best thing either of could do was accept that we were not good together anymore, and let the other person go.

I married at 25.

I always thought of myself as someone who was fairly mature for my age, but looking back I was still just a kid. I didn’t know very much about life, about people, or even about myself.

One of the dangers of getting married when you are young is, you are both still in the process of becoming the people you will one day be. I guess this happens at every age, but it seems especially pronounced when you marry fairly young (as you are going through so many changes).

It’s a beautiful thing when two people are able to grow together, supporting each other as they build their life.

Increasingly though, I think that’s a very difficult thing to do.

And over time if a couple doesn’t put in the day to day work of prioritizing and nurturing the relationship, it’s very easy to one day wake up and realize that they aren’t really sure who the other person is anymore.

When that happens, a couple has a decision to make. They either use this as an opportunity to re-learn each other and see if they still want a life together. Or they accept that their journey together has ended, and it’s now time for each of them to continue their journey’s separately.

I think that decision should never be made out of fear of divorce, or of what life will look like when they are “alone”. Rather it should be made based on that question of what they want out of life, and if they believe they can achieve that together.

If they can’t achieve that together, divorce is not a failure. It’s simply an acknowledgement that the relationship they once shared has run its course.

Divorce should never be an easy decision, and it’s not something to do lightly. It IS a serious commitment, and I think people *should* try to work things out if possible.

Sometimes they can’t though, and that’s alright.

So no, I still don’t believe in divorce.

But I DO believe in marriage where two people are building a life together. Where they are invested in the relationship, and are able to wake up and choose each other, each and every day (or at least most of them, hah).

If you don’t have that, then divorce isn’t something to fear. Sometimes, it’s actually an act of kindness, and the best chance at a healthy future.

In late 2016 someone I don’t even know reached out to me and changed my life forever. All I know her as is “Chelsea Relano” (though I believe that to be a psuedonym). She told me she was opening a door for me, and it was up to me to decide if I wanted to step through it.

Well, step through it I did. And although in the short term it threw my life into chaos, in the long term it will position me to live the sort of life I have always believed possible – a life of love (I hope 😊).

2017 has been a year of significant change in my life.

After spending much of the last decade plus where my identity was primarily defined by being a dad, I’ve re-defined what it means to be “me”.

I’ve focused on my education, almost completing a certification.

I’ve taken on additional responsibilities in my job, and although it can be stressful at times my job is somewhat of an extended family, and not just somewhere I go to pay the bills.

As a father, I’ve had some of my most difficult moments this past year; trying to support and help my children through the changes in their lives. But although they haven’t always been easy, these moments have also been some of my most rewarding. I’ve watched my children grow and I am beyond proud of them and the young men they are growing into.

This past fall I lost my last grandparent, marking the end of that generation in my life. My parents are officially the “old generation”, my siblings and I are approaching our middle years, and their children and mine are transitioning to young adults (my oldest neice will graduate from high school this year!!!).

I took my first ever solo trip this year, heading off on a two week tour of China. I wasn’t sure of what to expect going in, but it was something I needed to do at that time. I met some great people and had some amazing experiences; and I hope to continue travelling in the coming years. My travel bucket list has always been extensive, and although it just seems to grow I will hopefully make a dent in it in the coming years.

Less than a month ago I was in what could have been a very serious accident. Although my car was wrecked, I walked away unscathed. It was a reminder of my mortality, and that we should never leave things unsaid.

I also re-entered the world of dating, though that’s a story for another day 😊.

2017 has seen many changes for me, and really, almost all of the change has been positive.

There have been some bumps along the way, and there always will be. But looking back I feel blessed. My life is my journey, and I try to live it well.

I look at who I was at the start of the year and who I am today, and I can truly say I’ve grown. At the end of the day, I think that’s all you can really ask for.

Going into 2018, I know there is a lot more change ahead of me. But that’s alright, because in life change is one of the few things we can actually count on.

Things happen, and people are always changing.

We can either fight against it and try to hold onto what our lives “used to be”. Or we can embrace it, and try to enjoy the journey of what we are always becoming.

To Chelsea, whoever/wherever you are, thank you. That door wasn’t easy to face, but it was a needed step in my journey.

I know my blogging has slowed recently, but that’s primarily because my computer died in early October, and events of recent months have kept me busy.

Blogging for me has been a great outlet these past few years, and my little community of readers has definitely help me transition through the changes in my life.

So to all of you, thank you; and know that I’m not going anywhere (blogging wise).

To everyone out there I hope you had a great 2017; and all the best as we move into 2018!

Last night I was driving home, just like any other night; when everything suddenly changed.

I’m still not entirely clear on what all happened, but one moment I was driving full speed through a controlled intersection, when I saw lights in my periphery that were much closer than they should have been.

I both heard and felt the impact, and I remember screaming. The next thing I knew my car was full of smoke and I was breathing in the rancid air from the air bag that was deflating in front of me (seriously, that stuff smells/tastes awful).

The next 10-15 minutes were a blur.

I had been hit on the driver side from a black truck, but by the time I wedged the door open and got out of the car the truck was long gone. My car had been pushed 10-15 feet sideways, completely out of my lane and almost into the vehicles that were waiting at the lights. There was a witness, who I only know by the name Liam, who was concerned for my well being and told me I could rest in his car while he phoned the police.

Another witness named Mike followed the truck and managed to get its plate number at one point stopping the guy and talking to him (I don’t know how), before the driver took off – apparently down a set of train tracks. Based on Mike’s assessment, the driver was clearly drunk.

Both guys, and a third witness whose name I didn’t catch stayed and made statements with the police on my behalf. Eventually the police took my statement, my car was taken to a compound, and the tow truck driver brought me home.

I could have died last night.

I was hit on the driver’s side, and although I’m a bit sore today I’m fine. No cuts, and no bruises that I’m aware of. It was a bad situation, but it turned out about as well as it could have.

Still, a few moments different and I could have died. And that’s something that’s been in my head all morning.

Any long time readers know I’m going through a divorce.

My wife blindsided me back in 2012 with the fact that she had “never truly loved me” and she “wasn’t sure if she wanted to be married anymore”. And after that day, we really weren’t.

Whether it was poor communication or ignorance and naivety on my part really doesn’t matter. Ultimately I didn’t see it coming any more that I saw the truck last night.

We loved each other, didn’t we? How could we have gotten to that point?

I spent the next few years trying to understand what had gone wrong, and trying to make things better. But nothing I tried mattered. She had decided “something was wrong with us”, and who knows, maybe something was. However that belief ultimately meant things just spiraled further and further as the years passed by. Until eventually, I made the choice to take my life down a different path.

For a chance at a fresh start.

I had heard all the horror stories about divorce, and how people can become angry, petty and bitter. I knew that wasn’t me, or what I wanted out of my life.

My marriage had failed.

Actually, failed is probably the wrong word.

Rather, my marriage had concluded. Based on the road we had been on, it came to its logical conclusion – the only place it really could have gone. It was up to us to get it off that road before it was too late, and we didn’t, or couldn’t. That wasn’t a failure so much as it was simply an ending that was different from the one we had once hoped for.

Still, we had kids together that we both loved. And due to those kids, we would be in each others lives still for many years to come; for the rest of our lives really. For the betterment of everyone, the best thing that could happen would be for us to treat each other kindly and with respect for what we had once been together. And to come up with a solution that may not have been quite what either of us wanted; but one that was amenable to both of us.

Well, I can’t exactly say that’s happened.

Things have devolved to the point where it’s impossible to have constructive dialogue, and everything has to be done through lawyers. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent. And yeah, it’s just money. But it’s also money that would have been better split between us. Money that could have helped us each start anew.

With the way things have gone, I suspect before too long we will be two people who hate one another. And that makes me sad.

Last night something terrible happened, yet a number of complete strangers stepped up to the plate to help me out as best they could. I’m sure they had places to go, but they put their lives on pause for a while to help someone they didn’t even know.

All I know them as is Liam, Mike and the other guy. But I’m still grateful for the kindness they showed me.

Yet two people who once stood at an altar in front of assembled families and friends, who spent almost half their lives together, and who brought two children into the world together; can’t even find a way to walk away from that life with kindness and respect.

As I said, it makes me sad.

This isn’t about me. My story is far from unique though.

I know a number of people who have gone through divorce, and so many stories are similar. So many people end up completely hating each other, and can’t even be in the same room as the other person when it is all said and done.

I understand that divorce can be emotional for some people. And I understand all too well what it means to be hurt by someone.

But some of the things people do, and some of the ways they act? Anger, bitterness, pettiness, looking for “little wins”?

I don’t get it.

How does that help anyone at all?

That’s not the person I want to be.

I could have died last night.

I realize I’m idealistic, and I know I can be naive.

But if two people once came together out of love, even if that love is now gone they should be able to walk away with respect for what they once were.