Looking for Happiness in all the Wrong Places

Sukkot is here and the search is over.

Elizabeth Taylor will always be remembered for her legendary beauty. Surely her claim to fame is not as a philosopher. Yet, some years ago, she responded to an event in her life with an insight that deserves to be remembered for its profound truth.

Remarkably enough, it is an idea that perhaps best captures the purpose of the holiday of Sukkot which follows immediately on the heels of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

Thieves had broken into her safety deposit box. They stole a considerable amount of expensive jewelry. Reporters asked her after she learned of her loss: "Did you cry?" Her answer was simple: "I don't cry for things that won't cry for me!"

"I don't cry for things that won't cry for me!"

In Jewish tradition, there’s a saying that during our lifetimes we have three main friends — and when we die, they leave us in exactly the reverse order in which we treated them. No sooner does our soul leave our body, than all of our wealth flees with it as well. Families are more faithful. They walk with us after our passing to the cemetery, our final resting place. Then, they too leave us to go on with their lives. It is only our name, the good deeds we performed for others, and the influence we may have had upon them, that outlive us and offer us a share of immortality.

Strange then, isn’t it, that we spend most of our lives chasing after money, spending far less of our time than we should with our families, and spending so little of our efforts to accomplish those things by which we will be remembered!

Maybe we can even identify with the profound words of the contemporary author Emile Henry Gauvreay: “I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don’t want, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they dislike.”

Sukkot is the one holiday in the year that according to the Torah is meant to teach us all about happiness. Its subtitle is "the season of our rejoicing." For farmers of old it was the time, as they completed their harvest, that they were the wealthiest they would be all year. After all the work they had put in to grow their crops, they were rich.

And so what did the Torah tell us to do to make sure we didn't confuse material wealth with true happiness? We were commanded to leave the luxury of our homes to sit in little frail huts with our families and loved ones.

If we really want to be happy, the first step is to define what it is that will bring us this desired state.

There’s a famous story of a drunk standing under a street lamp carefully searching for something. A policeman comes along, asks him what he’s looking for, and the man answers, “My keys.” Now they both search. After a while, the policeman wants to know whether the man is sure that he lost his keys here. The drunk answers, “No, not here. I lost them back there — but there it’s much too dark to find them.”

Foolish? Of course. But a beautiful illustration of a common failing of mankind. We keep looking for things in all the wrong places. We rationalize that “the light is better here,” but we never stop to ask ourselves if it’s possible that what we’re looking for isn’t really in the place where we’re searching.

“Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy they are who possess it.” That was the brilliant advice of Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld. We set our hearts upon wealth. Why not examine how happy they are who possess it? Is there really a correlation between having and happiness, between lack of money and misery?

There is no correlation whatsoever between income and happiness.

Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin, authors of Your Money or YourLife asked over one thousand people from the United States and Canada to rate themselves on a happiness scale of one (miserable) to five (joyous), with three being “can’t complain.” Dominguez and Robin were surprised to find there is no correlation whatsoever between income and happiness. In fact, once the simplest basic needs were taken care of people earning less reported being happier than those considered upper-middle-class.

“Psychologists have spent decades studying the relation between wealth and happiness,” writes Harvard University psychologist Daniel Gilbert in his best-selling Stumbling on Happiness, and they have generally concluded that “wealth increases human happiness when it lifts people out of abject poverty and into the middle class but that it does little to increase happiness thereafter.”

It’s about time we faced up to the truth: More things don’t mean more happiness. The anonymous line, “Those who say that money can’t buy happiness don’t know where to shop,” may be funny, but it isn’t fact. David Myers, professor of psychology at Michigan’s Hope College, in his book, The Pursuit of Happiness: Who Is Happy—and Why?, quotes a student from an extremely wealthy home: “My parents bought me a Mazda 626. Then one year, my stepfather gave me a sailboat. Later he bought me my own Windsurfer. Our house has two VCRs and three Hitachi televisions. Do these things make me happy? Absolutely not. I would trade all my family’s wealth for a peaceful and loving home.”

So now that we’re crying over our losses in this beaten-down economic climate, let’s reflect on what really deserves our tears. We want above all to be happy. Our culture keeps telling us that the way to be happy is to have more money. Then we can buy more things that will give us more pleasure. When they don’t, we’re told that we really need even more money to buy bigger and better things, so that’s why we have to take on more work and more stress — because then we’ll really be happy. And as we see less and less of our family and accumulate more and more possessions, we end up discovering the truth of the warning in the Talmud’s Ethics of the Fathers that "The more property, the more worries".

“Wealth is like health: Although its absence can breed misery, having it is no guarantee of happiness,” summarizes Dr. David Myers. “If anything, to judge by soaring rates of depression, the quintupling of the violent crime rate since 1960, the doubling of the divorce rate, and the tripling of the teen suicide rate, we’re richer and less happy.”

“Satisfaction isn’t so much getting what you want as wanting what you have."

“Satisfaction isn’t so much getting what you want as wanting what you have. There are two ways to be rich: One is to have great wealth, the other is to have few wants,” Myers says. “Find ways to make the most of the money that does pass through your hands and never lose sight of all that is far more important than money.”

And what is it that is far more important than money?

Sukkot, the holiday of our rejoicing, reminds us that even the frailest hut filled with those we love is a far greater source of happiness than the most luxurious mansion. It tells us not to care more about things than about people. It teaches us to reflect far more on what we have than to be depressed by what we lack.

As we sit in the sukkah and gaze up to the heavens above we will find the reassurance of divine guidance, protection and blessing - which the wisest of all generations have invariably concluded is the best source for finding happiness.

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About the Author

Rabbi Benjamin Blech, a frequent contributor to Aish, is a Professor of Talmud at Yeshiva University and an internationally recognized educator, religious leader, and lecturer. Author of 14 highly acclaimed books with combined sales of over a half million copies, his newest, The World From A Spiritual Perspective, is a collection of over 100 of his best Aish articles. See his website at www.benjaminblech.com.

Visitor Comments: 18

(14)
Yomi,
October 4, 2012 2:48 PM

Sort of a Rebuttle

Though the beauty and splendor of Sukkos is not lost on me, I am still struck by a semblance of naivety illustrated in this Dvar Torah article. There is no question we have to recognize what the important things in life are, Family, Health, a feeling of personal fulfillment. Almost equally as important in today's world, is wealth and money. It is a travesty and a sure failing of our advancement as a Human Race that our focus has to be on the mundane and material aspect of life. However unfortunate the state of affairs may be the reality is what it is, without significant income one can not afford to live a "comfortable" life. Comfort-ability, is obviously defined by each person individually, to one person it may be a simple roof over their heads, for others that may mean having a 5 bedroom "McMansion" with a lexus in the driveway. For myself, the sheer ability to NOT be all encompassed on a daily basis on how bills will be paid would certainly be my definition of comfort. The Joy of celebrating sukkos and any of the yom tovim should not be overshadowed or impeded by the mundane, we should relish in it, try to bask in its light and absorb the holiness Hashem has gifted us. Through it all though, without hashem's providing us the ability to have financial stability, it is nearly impossible, (at least for me) to appreciate the truly important things in life. I hope this new year brings all of us a healthy, happy, and successful year where we can be free of the stresses of day to day life and be able to fully be enveloped in joy and appreciation of Hashem's true gifts.

(13)
joel,
October 3, 2012 1:10 PM

I was amazed upon visiting here as the articles are all very informative.
My congratulations to the people behind the success of this website.
You really rock guys! Keep up the good works!

(12)
Michal,
September 27, 2012 10:09 PM

When you feel loved by Hashem, you have all you want.

Then you see, that living in a succah ist just a symbol of it. You can be old and not young, you can be ill and lack health, Whe you have a loving relationship with Hashem you have all you need. You must not even convince yourself, because you know it.

(11)
Carlos,
September 27, 2012 4:36 PM

Sukka open to the skies

This is why a Sukka has an open roof.
As we sit in the sukkah and gaze up to the heavens above we will find the reassurance of divine guidance, protection and blessing - which the wisest of all generations have invariably concluded is the best source for finding
Great article by Rabbi Blech.
Do you think Gerry Schroeder could write a small article from time to time. He has a wonderful insight.
Shana Tova,
Carl Dworman

(10)
Claire Ginsburg Goldstein,
October 11, 2011 11:01 AM

Bears from Bergenfield is in need of carriers to bring happiness and hugs

I am the happiest helping others; that is why I began Bears from Bergenfield close to 9 years ago. Gently used stuffed animals, primarily bears are donated to our cause (which also helps the environment with less waste), which are then packed and hopefully shipped in a timely fashion to the traumatized children in Israel. I am in need of carriers to bring the toys over now for the holidays. I will not be traveling to Israel until mid-March and could use a few more helping hands.When we all pitch in to help the cause, the results are that much more poignant and strikingly successful. Please step up if you can and schlep for the cause. My partners will meet you upon arrival at the airport in Israel. Just think of all those children who can use a caring hug from US teddy bears!

(9)
Alice,
October 11, 2011 6:14 AM

My Thought:

Having suffered through this recent recession....it really
has given me a greater appreaiction for need of "earning
money." (with out money their is lack of free choice).
Never ever imagined how greatful I feel (from my sole)
tand the passion of being productive again RE: working.

(8)
David,
October 10, 2011 2:26 PM

additional thought

as per my previous comment..
I connected the symbolism of the sukkah to the transitory state of life. The veil that seperates life and death is as flimsy as the sukkah. Yet it is the sukkah that symbolizes King David's ''shelter'' the divine protection of G-d.
I know my grandmother went to tabernacle with the L-rd, to enter his sukkah.
I mourn her everday but the sukkah is a symbol of peace and understanding for me and for the person suffering from the loss of a loved one I hope it will be for you as well.

(7)
David,
October 10, 2011 2:21 PM

How to be Happy

My grandmother passed away on Erev Sukkot last year.
I suggest reading Rabbi Blech's book ''If God is Good, Why is the World so Bad?'' which discusses tragic things that happen in life including death and life after death.
That may also provide insight to the individual suffering from longing to meet his biological family.
But may I also say to him/her... love the family that raised you.
To paraphrase a quote in this article ''cry for those who would cry for you.'' It doesn't matter if they don't get Judaism.
They still raised you and love you.
That is something to be thankful for. Many never had that. Just visit an orphanage. You are truly blessed.

Anonymous,
October 11, 2011 1:55 AM

Thank you for the advice. I should note that my adopted family has become more and more fragmented over the years and it's been difficult to foster healthy relationships with my adopted family members. Furthermore, adopted children handle adoption in different ways. For me, being taken from my biological family at birth left a hole in my being. I began showing signs of insecurity almost immediately. To this day, I still struggle with significant psychological and emotional issues. I pray frequently for healing and direction in how to move on.

(6)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2011 9:56 PM

This article's headline certainly caught my eye, as I have been looking for sustaining happiness for quite some time. Unfortunately, this article only reminds me of why I have been so unhappy. I certainly do value family over financial success and really wish that I actually had the opportunity to spend time with my family in a sukkah this holiday season. Judaism is so family oriented, yet not everyone has much of a family.
I haven't seen my mother, father, and half sisters since I was born (nearly three decades ago) and I long to be reunited with them. I am not particularly close with my adopted family and they don't understand why I embrace Judaism, as opposed to the religion they raised me with. I think about my biological family every day and can't seem to move on and embrace the possibility that I may never see them again. I certainly have Jewish friends to party under a sukkah with, but most don't realize that they're creating the closest sense of family that I've had in a long time. I guess I need to be thankful for friends and hopefully, very soon, I'll find my b'shert and have a Jewish family of my own.

Rechama Lamb,
October 10, 2011 8:31 PM

I wish you happiness

I have several friends that are also without real family. It's so hard to see the loneliness in their eyes. I wish you hatzlocho in finding your bashert and in building a "bayis ne'eman beYisroel". Have a good Yom Tov and a sweet New Year

Anonymous,
October 12, 2011 2:10 AM

Todah Rabah. Chag Sameach!

(5)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2011 7:24 PM

Happy

How can I be happy when my 21 year old nephew passed away. I am beginning to question things.

Anonymous,
October 10, 2011 5:45 AM

Sincerest condolences

Please accept my sincerest condolences on the tragic death of your nephew.
It is natural to question why life is the way it is. I did so when I was young and lost my 32-year-old mother and then again a few years ago when I lost my youngest sibling, my 41-year-old half-brother. Sometimes the best you can do is to be grateful they were a part of your life for as few years as you had them.
Your nephew may be gone, but the love you shared always will be a part of you.
Take care of yourself and God bless.

(4)
chani,
October 9, 2011 4:43 PM

This was a very fun article, with some great quotes and one liners, easy to remember and pass on to the family. Thanks!

(3)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2011 3:49 PM

wondefullove conquers all

halp all youcan dio not work in a job you hatee

(2)
ruth housman,
October 9, 2011 2:57 PM

Sukkot

Your writings, Rabbi Blech, always bring me to joy.
Sukkot is my favorite holiday because it's so about love of Nature, what we have, these stars, this sky, this planet, all that's without that somehow, when we think about it, makes its way to what's within. Where did this table come from? These chairs? These plates? This glass that holds wine?
The other day I passed a florist's selling glads, and I was able to purchase fresh ones for my home, and it made me so glad, to be walking down Mass. Avenue in Cambridge, MA with my bunch of glads, and I felt, here is Torah.
It's the appreciation of what we have, wherever we are, that makes us glad. These are the garlands we keep.
Thank You again. I love your articles.