Exploring my life through the lens of a camera…

Archive for February, 2009

I have several thoughts running through my mind. Tonight I was a complete B$!#@ to the lost friend. Things have been pleasant mostly, relatively speaking. We’d even spoken outside of ‘events’. Tonight though, he looked at me and walked past and didn’t even acknowledge me. I had great dances, a lot of fun. But I know that as I was recently describing in this post I’m still grieving the loss of friendship. And I’m in a grumpy mood because of it. Tonight was not acceptance it was anger. The lost friend came up to me as I was getting ready to leave, asked if I was going, to which I responded emphatically “Absolutely”. Then I looked at him, glared at him and said “Oh so you’ve decided to talk to me???”. He asked if I was going out tomorrow I said I wasn’t sure. Then I walked away. I was a B@#$!@ and I’m not sad about it. I’m still angry. I want to be proven wrong. Words said to me by this lost friend don’t match how I’ve been treated — they match the horrible things he said to a mutual friend. I desperately want to be proven wrong. I have to stop hoping. And it’s sad, because every time I’m in the dance scene it just makes me want to get the hell away from here. And maybe I will. For now though I need to sleep. I hope I’m in a better mood tomorrow. I really want to go out of town to dance. Alone.

Stay tuned. I have another, much longer post that I’m thinking about. But it’s not clear to me yet… And I’m in too foul of a mood to really do it justice right now. But stay tuned.

Things are as clear as mud. Work is stressful and this is only going to increase. I need to sort things out. The reality is that I’ve received a lot of feedback and opinions from different people. And I don’t know if relaxing and giving up on all options until I need to decide would be wiser — and less stressful — or if facing it now makes it easier.

Actually, the reality is that I can’t help but face these decisions now because they are present and one will impact the others. And the more I speak with different people the more I am reminded of all the options that I’ve wrestled with in recent days. Options I’ve thought of and tossed away. Options I’m reminded of yet again. One of those options I have discarded for one simple reason: I want to get married and have a family one day.

So I am raising the question: should I add that option back to the mix and consider it too? Marriage and family doesn’t seem to be happening. Assuming I am able to pursue the option I’m thinking of, it would give me more time — one more year — before it happened. But it would take longer. I’d be older when it’s done. I’ve known people to do this option and still have kids — though it’s tough and the year of mat leave just extends the option. I’d have to write an exam ASAP, and get paperwork together. But it’s do-able, assuming all things are approved. It would also take care of one concern that was raised yesterday, and was valid. One thing that is important to me is to affect change in healthcare — either at an individual level or on a broader scale.

The individual level is why one option is before me. But it’s been pointed out that it may not be the right place to do that — less control and ability to affect change. But perhaps the option that I’ve been constantly tossing out due to the family priority is the one that would be beneficial. But since that doesn’t seem to be happening perhaps I should reconsider. I used to be stressed that I’d finish around 40 if I did it. I am still stressed that I’d be 40, but if I’m going to be stuck in this single lifestyle does it really matter? It’s not like I have the family deadline that I had before. Without this option I doubt retirement will be early and with this option I likely wouldn’t either. I know that mat leave is possible both during the immediate option and longer term… so maybe it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up family by pursuing this direction.

The drawback is that it would take a minimum of a year from now to get that option going so it would mean:

1. giving up one of my immenent options — the one I was referring to that I do have to decide about.

2. exam prep in the evenings — possible classes to prepare

3. It will delay things so I’ll be 34, almost 35 before that starts which means I’ll be 38 before I finish and 40 before I am 100% done. YIKES.

4. On the bright side it will give me more time now to prepare, pay off bills, perhaps explore one of the other options that is before me.

The other option is one I’m trying not to think too much about. It’s one that isn’t clearly an option. It could easily become one very soon, but as it’s a different job, it’s not one I’m going to set hopes or not on until I am presented with an offer. It also would be a huge change because it would mean moving across the country. It would be stable. It would be substantially better paid than what I’m getting now which would be important. Moving would mean giving up the running community that I love, but it would also be a chance to get away from some of the personal life stuff here that I find difficult. It would be a chance for a new start. And, if I decided to go forward with either healthcare option I could. Option a — the one that’s a definite option that I must decide on could remain an option, could always cancel it at the last minute (that’s always the case). Option b — I’d be preparing for it at the same time as doing this option, if I decide to do this.

So I don’t know. My mind has been whirling with options. Plans. Thoughts. Where do I want my life to go what do I want to do. And I am completely confused. The only thing I know for sure is that the stresses at work aren’t worth the pay that I get. I could deal with work as it is if I could go home and relax and enjoy my life without being permanently stressed out about my finances.

Some help with direction and guidance would be good. Perhaps I need to think about career counselling. And soon…

It wasn’t so bad today. It hasn’t gotten bonkers yet this week. I had a phone call tonight, with someone who had some useful things to say about my options and about my direction. And of course things are now as clear as mud.

But I have also been thinking about how permanently grumpy I’ve been and I’ve decided to take a page from my friend Mel’s book and describe some good things about today:

1. My running group. Running keeps me sane and is helping me to deal with all the crap is going on. They definitely make me happy. This community is important to me.

2. For the beginnings of spring. The rain that was falling as I walked home from work felt like a spring rain rather than a winter rain. It was lovely.

3. For having a post-work run that was still in daylight. I went earlier than usual and was delighted that I didn’t need my headlamp.

4. For the car saga that will be dealt with by the end of this week — and I’ll get a better stereo in the process.

Some of the options I’m facing mean financial risk. Means a change in my salary structure and it means I need to do some planning. I was paying some bills and checking my online visa recent transactions. I’ve been waiting for my visa transactions to come through — my ring’s payment, in particular. It’s not posted yet, but I had a moment of freaking out because the ‘balance owing’ doesn’t match the transactions. What I mean is I’ve paid off last month’s visa bill, so the transactions that are on my visa should all add up to the balance, but it doesn’t. It’s substantially off. If I add up the transactions, and include the cost of the ring the numbers are close. I tried calling visa to ask them about that, but they close at midnight EST (what happened to 24hrs??). So I will have to wait until tomorrow to see if the transactions go through to help clarify this. I’ll check my receipts.

But now I need to figure out where to trim some things. I know that part of the number is stressful because of my car’s saga is on there, as is the deposit on my ring. But it’s all just bad timing as I’m considering all the options — not to mention the stress of seeing the number much higher than I’m expecting given that the ring isn’t posted on statement.

I need ideas of where to trim. Thoughts???

Move and get a roommate. This will be necessary. Either option that include changes will require moving, it’s just a matter of which option plays out. Even if neither play out I should probably move and get a roommate.

Stop Cable. One option to consider, though I’d rather not. But, if an alternate option comes into play I probably will so that I’m not tempted to be distracted.

Cut restaurant spending. I’m not doing too badly on this but I’ve mindlessly spent money at coffee shops or at restaurants because I’m too lazy to make lunches or for other reasons. Anyhow, it’ll be healthier.

Leave my credit and debit card at home and just carry cash.

Perhaps no more exchanges for the near future (other than the one planned for a couple of weeks). At least not until # add up, and no vacations — well, except perhaps for one if the invite comes.

No more classes at the community center. I’d rather get more exercise by running, and if I have the cash I can do drop in yoga.

I wonder if it’s possible to get a part time job — one day a week or maybe two half days? I don’t know when or how I’d manage to do that. I am busy enough as it is. Arg. If I did it’d have to be something that was flexible enough to let me book off time when I need it for weekends away.

Sigh. Things will get ironed out soon, but these numbers are stressful. Because it means I have to face other numbers and numbers that aren’t going to get any easier.

A day at home, full of processing and thoughts. I’m mellow, ignoring the phone (sorry folks) and am thinking. Last night was my brother’s 3oth birthday. It’s always interesting to me to hang with him and his friends. They’re younger than me, but not younger than my friends. What I mean is we are 3 years apart. I’m older. When we were kids, the difference was quite steep so we didn’t have the same friends. Now though, the difference doesn’t matter. However, because of this we still don’t hang out with the same people.

There are a few of his friends who I get along with though — and we could be friends. In fact, one lives quite close to me, and we were chatting about life, relationships and all of that. She took my number and mentioned inviting me over at some point. I hope she does, she’s friendly, kind and very open. She’s recently gotten married and married a man that’s like the one I’ve described I’d like to find: knows how to treat a woman with respect, kindness, value — opens doors, is thoughtful of their needs and takes care of them. I respect her for waiting to find a man like that. It made me smile to know that there are men from Vancouver how know how to act like that. I hope they’re not all gone, though I will admit after days like today — and recent days — I give up on that hope too.

I know he’s finding it difficult turning 30, and I understand why.

The rest of the day, yesterday, was simply active: I went snowshoeing for the first time in maybe 20 years (?), had a great run in the morning and got home exhausted after the party. No energy to dance afterwards.

Today I’ve spent the day processing. There are life decisions to be made and consideration to do — and in the light of some of what’s gone on lately personally it really does make me think. Today I chatted briefly with a few friends, but ignored my phone all day after realizing I needed time to be alone and just, well, ruminate on things. Life. Processing. That’s where I stand.

So this week at work has been bonkers. I’m stressed. Went out for drinks with a coworker — definitely needed it. Ran into another coworker doing the same thing. I was feeling relaxed though, more settled. But then I got information from one of the other options. One that I am more interested in. I need to talk to more people to try and iron out my direction. I don’t like having this hanging over my head, but I know that once I’ve decided I’ll relax.

Not about personal stuff, yesterday was processing where I’ve come from in the past ten years. Tonight, as I’ve been pondering many nights lately, it’s about career and life direction. I’ve been looking into how to make it all work. I’ve got documentation about everything, but one thing that emphasizes direction is what my gut is saying to me when I realized I couldn’t find certain information in my online account. Sorry for being vague — but I can’t be clear just yet. Anyhow, I need to think for a little bit of time still to think more about this but I may need to make some calls sooner than what I’d intended and get some balls rolling. Why? Because I am tense and worried that something’s happened, some administration issues have cropped up and that I may not have that option. I suppose that means that I do want this option. This is different from my gut feeling for the other option — that I’m still waiting on (as I haven’t heard yet if it really is an option), and my gut for that is ‘meh’ if I get ‘no news’ or a ‘no’. If it’s a ‘yes’ then I will think carefully. But, the reality is that longer term, depending on my goals I may be better off with the path that makes me go ‘oh no — what if something happens to block it’…

I had a conversation today with someone who’s already on a very similar path to the one I may embark. It will take some juggling and planning to make everything work, but it’s possible. So if I want this, I need to start planning and preparing for it, more specifically. I had a brief conversation with a person in my running group on the same topic. This was also handy because she knows someone who is doing the job that would be farther down the path I am looking at. I’ve asked her to connect me with this friend so I can start to clearly generate a 5 year plan and begin to move forward in it. So I will take a bit more time and think but things are feeling more solid in my mind. That’s a relief.