i always thought it’d be impossible to have feelings for someone who actually hates you. not feelings of hate or disgust, but something painfully beautiful.

a friends recently asked, what happens when you start falling for someone who actually hates you? it seems almost impossible and somewhat absurd, but its true and its definitely way worse than one-sided love. sometimes it seems so unimaginable, but when it actually unfolds right before you, you might just wish you had no feelings at all.

wouldn’t it be nice to be able to erase a portion of your memory, and wake up one day not even knowing any of the things existed? to a certain extent, we all have selective hearing and selective memory,but how much of it is due to the fact that you do not wish to hold on to the memories? how much of “ive a really bad memory” really is true? i say that a lot. and it works all the time. not because im pretending not to remember things, but perhaps choosing not to remember it at all. i can remember things pretty well if i wanted to. right down to the details of what a person was wearing, or the exact location, timing and atmosphere that something occurred. i guess most of the time i choose not to remember anything, to let things just pass by, fearing the emotional attachment that comes along with remembering. i wish i could say the same for everything that’s going on.

damn murphy’s law and how the opposite always happens. the hearder i try, the harder i grasp onto everything to hold things together, the faster it all falls apart. its as if it just rains down on you, one thing after another. i honestly would like a break from all of it. they say life’s a balance. things will get better, not everything is bad, but why does it seem like i can’t see any of this? i try, i rationalize with myself, reason things out and all those shit. and everytime you put in that much effort to have that faith, the wind comes and just blows the light out.

sometimes i’d wish just one person in the world would understand, or even bother to. it’ll be nice once in a while not to hear the model answer of “cheer up, things will get better”. im not asking anyone to solve the issues either. im jst so tired from this cycle of nonsense that’s been thrown my way. im not the type to wallow in self pity. its really dumb. thinking a lot doesn’t equate to that. i wanna know why. i wanna know how and so much more. i wanna stop worrying.

i’d like to have a place of peace, and rest. somewhere i’d feel free and actually happy. that place once existed for me, but now its been a place of worry. im afraid to wake up one day and find out that you’ve left and never coming back, i don’t know how to say it, but im dreading that day. and every night i pray and ask God to make you stay just one more day.

its just so frustrating having so much you wanna say, but not being able to speak the words out.

im stuck. i wanna be home, but i can’t; wanna stay and hang out with my friends, and i can’t either. both ways, it seems so hard just to be the girl i once was. God, its a struggle with you too. I’m really tired, and I’m trying so freakin hard sometimes i don’t even know why. the place of in between is hell. its a smile without joy, a laughter without warmth.

its every human’s basic instinct to seek the sense of belonging. to be accepted and appreciated. to be wanted. for who you are, not what you are. and honestly, its so damn freakin hard. sometimes you wonder why you’ve bothered to care, to appologize, to go the extra mile. sometimes it’s nice to receive too. i’d really drop everything just to cheer a loved one up. even when i don’t want to. its crazy, but i’d do it just so the person wouldn’t have to go through the in between. i’d wish someone would see it.

a friend once shared the story about the giving tree. i see why right now. but i still hate believeing in unhappy endings. and perhaps stuborness has its price to pay. i could go on writing. there’s so so much more i need to figure out. and sometimes i really wonder where am i gonna have the strength to go on. a rubber band can stretch as far as it can, it’ll still snap ultimately. i’d really love to be proven wrong sometimes.

i haven’t been so captivated and intrigued by a guy in a really long time. perhaps this wouldn’t count. considering the dude’s ( Robert Pattinson) fictional and all. but the way he acts, the awkwardness and stiffness is almost painfully mesmerizing. maybe its just me. i’ve always had this fascination about vampires, and the daunting vampirish look. pale and lifeless, complete with the whole sunken eyes. its alluring. the movie aint that awesome. in fact it felt a little too draggy and predictable, but the casting was pretty good. its just something of the awkwardness that is so intriguing.

the contradiction and irony makes it all the more attractive. like the serene yet violent gaze. its pretty amazing how pattinson managed to pull it off on screen. im impressed. perhaps just crazily in love with the whole vampirish thing. and no its not just the movie. i’ve always had a thing for the vampirish look.

and so the story continues..

on a totally different note, the silence and absence ended way earlier than i had planned. mostly because everyone around me was telling me how silly the idea was. yes it was silly, but its not like i had a choice. a good friend said that im a tortured soul, and how much i love creating little sufferings for myself. perhaps i need the pain. not that i want it, but somehow its always there. i really wish for it to go away at times.

the first deafening awkward silence almost killed. i just wanted to run. its like a rsh of adrenalin. your pulse races with anxiety and then it hits and everything just collapse. its as if your defense mechanism kicks in with paranoia as all your senses heightens. i never wanted to be in the same situation, or any that’s remotely close. everything’s just been on repeat replay and its just so difficult being in the same presence, let alone have any sort of an attempt to make communication. im surprised at the level of tolerance ive grown to have. im sick of the replay…but it seems so addictive.

sunday branch with theo, josh and sebas seemed kinda blur. probably due to the lack of sleep and overdose of codine and alcohol the night before with yiming and nicole. there was just way too many drinks at velvet, plus the flaming christmas drink, which was pretty awesome. it was eatery after eatery, man.. i’m so not used to eating that much. somehow the lack of stuff to look at/do in singapore has left us resorting to just sitting around cafe after cafe. its pretty sad how little there is left to do besides hanging around in town.

theo, josh and sebas who looks like the monopoly old man

a friend once said, “people just come to orchard and hang around waiting for the next exciting thing to happen, and simply just to let time pass them by”. it sounds sad and blatantly cynical, but existentialism is a pretty harsh reality at times. perhaps we are just to afraid to strip it all bare and face that fact of the bottom line.

i couldnt help but ponder about it while wandering around aimlessly the busy streets. drfiting far far away into my wonky trippy little world every now and then, and more often that day due to all the cough medicine ive been downing. im glad the cough’s pretty much recovered now, but being on that puts you into a pretty nice dreamy, drowsy type of high. just a mouthful and one drink is good enough to get you there. no im not on drugs or any of that shit. the thoughts that come into your head isjust amazingly bizarre and vividly intense. that aside, im just happy it helps me sleep for now. something which i need quite alot of.

steve aoiki that night with j, lins, and mel, david, jon and all was pretty awesome. maybe more towards the end after i met jon. the dude’s got pretty good stuff up his sleeve and definitely knows how to work a crowd. speaking of which, the crowd was absolutely horrendous. ive never met people who were so rude and mean in my life. and seriously, some would do anything just to get their way. story goes, we were all standing at the steps near the dj area at zouk. and the crowd was insane. it was packed neck to neck with people constantly pushing pass. and push turned to shove and somehow some people started to get violent. some didnt have a choice, and some, particularly this one indian big dude, deliberately took advantage of him being surrounded by girls and just pushed his way through. at the time, it was impossible to squeeze into the dance floor. and everyone was pretty much falling everywhere and suffocating. i was about to die. seriously. if not for j and lins’ friends who were really nice and protected all of us i’d be shoved and trotted on. no exaggeration it was THAT bad.

then came this big indian dude with his oh-so-cool attitude and girlfriend. it was clearly impossible for them to get in. and small shoving fights had already broken up prior to his arrival. let me remind you this dude is HUGE. like tall and big. not muscular, the other type of big. and kinda grosss. clearly the type you wouldn’t even wanna breathe the same air with. not only did he not say any ‘excuse me’ or ‘sorry’, he happily pushed all of us girls just to walk through. so some of the other girls around me were pretty unhappy and told him nicely to not push and all. telling him there’s no way for him to squeeze through. so standing there for a min of so he was telling his friends it was not impossible to go in and that if they really wanted he had a solution. smarty pants thinks he’s some brilliant einstein. pardon me for the sacarsm, i really hate this dude. so he proudly and loudly procliamed to his friends, ‘look, im gonna pretend to fall on these girls as if someone had pushed me, and we can all go through’. the minute i heard that i was about to slap his face. seriously wtf was he even thinking. and he happily said, oh they are all girls, they are weak. son of a bitch &@%@^^&@%.

what was worse is that he actually carried out what he said and fell on all of the people in front of us. some of the girls got pushed and hurt.it was horrible. and he totally acted the whole thing out, when cleary no one had touch him. silly fool wasn’t bright enough to see that everyone behind him were his friends who were so shocked as he was supposedly blaming the people behind him for pushing. so some of the butches who were with us were really pissed off and started scolding him. he had the cheek to tell them off and even tried to push them. i mean, come on. what kind of man are you if you even try to hit a girl knowing you’re in the wrong, worse still being the one who started the whole commotion?! it was a bit scary as everyone became really rowdy. what was shocking is that it went on for 5mins and there was absolutely no bouncer in sight to stop any of this. and some of the girls got pushed pretty bad by this idiot who was at least twice their size. it was insane. i was so wishing someone would have just broken his nose and thrown him out. it was simply absurd. till now i just can’t believe how anyone with a conscience could do such a thing.

so that was the horrid story of the mean ass dude. he gives girls every right to hate jerks. oh well, karma’s gonna bite his ass big time. the music that night was pretty awesome, and it was a good natural high. i just wonder if there was anyone brave enough to ask him(steve aoiki), hey, think i could get your sis’ number?! now that’ll be a good one.