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Saturday, September 3, 2011

I'm trying to perfect the art of making people uncomfortable.

I really hate small talk and avoid it at all costs. I've been known to head dive directly into a poison ivy patch or a pile of used hypodermic needles just to avoid an awkward conversation with someone I barely know or haven't seen for years.

It's all, oh hello, I swear I care very deeply about your life, let's engage in small talk for an amount of time that we will both find painfully long but we don't know how to end it without seeming rude and so we talk and talk about stupid shit that neither of us cares about until one of us pretends to get a phone call or hears our moms calling us for dinner or (ideally) one of our kids starts acting like an asshole and we can blame it all on them.

Hate small talk. And interaction with the general public.

I thought that my hate of small talk could not be stronger than it's previous level of: FIRE: THOUSAND BURNING SUNS (which is the level of hate directly above FIRE: BURNING PEE). But then I had twins (one not alive, one critically ill) which made me fat and I don't have time to work out and also I love shoving pie/chex mix/nutella into my pie hole* and basically I am fat so people have been asking me the most idiotic things, like, "when will your blog be funny again**" and/or "when are you due?"

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking we've been over this, ad nauseam, enough already. (You may also be thinking that a sensible diet and a moderate amount of exercise would keep my ass from expanding to the size of 275 Cinnabons arranged in large circles.) But I like to drive a point so far into the ground that people just start to agree with me to get me to shut up so here we are. Talking about how fat I am. Again.

I've got a point (ish) and that point is that I'm practicing my response to people. Instead of my normal, "I'm not...it's OK" response, I'm thinking of saying whatever pops into my feeble wittle mind and it goes a little something like this:

Could you be more specific? I mean, don't take that as an unwillingness to share. I love sharing. For example? I was due for highlights three months ago, so...May 20? And actually I just dyed my hair because my regrowth was 4 inches long and no matter how many times I sang "I'm bringing regrowth back (yeah) you other boys don't know how to act" it just didn't catch on.

Oh. That's not what you meant. Gotcha. My period is due on September 29. I've been couponing lately which is awesome because I am, like, soooo stocked up on tampons and I seriously just dare my period to come early or late or whatever because I've got pantyliners to burn and I will wear one every day for 10 days before and after I'm due BECAUSE I GOT A REALLY GOOD DEAL ON TAMPONS AND PANTYLINERS AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! TAKE THAT MENSTRUATION!

What's that? You're pointing...at my vagina? Oh, yes! You're right! I am due for a pap smear...oh shit! I was due in July! But, you know, I am trying to decide which gynecologist I want to see since my old one told me that one of my twins had a huge brain and that I should go in the waiting room and wait until he had time to explain what that meant. Because I waited 40 minutes for my appointment because he is behind and now he is REALLY behind and if you would just stop crying, asshole, and go wait so that all these other eager vaginas can be checked out then that.would.be.super.

And then my other doctor was the one who delivered my stillborn baby and my really sick baby and I don't know, something about going there to take my clothes off and show my 'beave just feels awkward, ya know? You don't want to whip our your beave and feel awkward. I prefer to feel awesome when I whip out my beave....and I almost always do, I mean, it's not like I have some problem of feeling awkward or whatever when I whip out my 'beave....

Oh, you mean, am I expecting a baby? Why yes! Yes I am! I am expecting my baby to come home any time now. Or, you know, on or after today*** because she's been in the hospital since she was born eight months ago and she's got to come home sometime, right?! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! You are hilar. We should really talk like this more often. I have to go, someone in this room is acting like an asshole and it isn't my kid so it's either you or me. Can you say toss-up? TOSS UP! HA!

*I am conflicted over the use of Pie Hole. I rarely eat pie. I can't decide if I should say, for example, "I was shoving nutella into my pie hole" or if I should say, "I was shoving nutella into my nutella hole." The latter makes more sense to me. But everyone else just uses Pie Hole without abandon and I am a follower, not a leader. The internal termoil is almost too much to bear.

**My favorite question, by far. Probably never is the answer but keep reading just to see! And keep me updated on my non-funny-ness because that really helps me bring the comedy. Nothing makes you feel amusing like a backhanded compliment!

***Not entirely true. It will not be today. But it will definitely be AFTER today so hopefully that provides the information you so desperately ask for every.single.day.

45 comments:

Hang in there kiddo. We don't need you to be funny for us. You write whatever your little heart desires. She'll get home soon and one day 35 years from now she'll be reading all these blogs about herself in amazement at her wonderful Mama. And I am with ya on the Nutella. Deelicious. I shove it into my Nutella hole whenever I get the chance >:)

Keep going Jen! We love reading anything you've got for us. If theres a day between or a year between your posts, I will be reading them as will hundreds of others. And keep treating yourself to pie and nutella. You deserve junk food right now. Jen your one of the strongest people I know, your in my prayers!

I hate small talk too. I suggest moving about every year and a half. This is the technique I have used and it works really well for avoiding small talk because you never run into people you haven't seen in years.

Fwiw "Guidelines from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommend that women begin Pap test screening at age 21, be screened every 2 years through age 30, and then be screened every 3 years as long as their last three test results have been normal" so you can probably stop thinking about that one right now.

These are the people I refer to as SMFers. That would be Stupid Mother Fu... well, you get the rest. And when you are in contact with an inordinate number on any given day, it is referred to as an SMFer day.

You, my online friend, have had far more than your fair share of SMFer days. If I could, I'd walk around with you with a roll of duct tape to shut these people up as they open their mouths, just so you wouldn't have to deal with it.

Next time someone asks if you're pg, ask them when THEIR due date is. See how they like it. Jerks.

For the record I find you hilarious! I even laugh out loud....while I'm reading at work. Then I read your funny blog out loud to whoever is around me. You take a stressful situation and tell us about it in a really funny way!! So tell those jerks it IS funny so screw you! :)

i think you should call it your nutella hole, cuz i don't like pie either. i'm going to call mine a potato/cheese hole cuz that's what i like to cram into mine. and eventually if you keep cramming the food in, people will stop asking if you're pregnant, cuz your fat will get jiggly & that doesn't look so much like baby fat as just regular ole, run of the mill fat. trust me, i know about these things.

Good lord. People have got to be the biggest bunch of effing asstards (is that a word?) imaginable. You are awesome and I am sure that anything you might say to people asking you these disgusting questions is well-deserved. Please know that total strangers continue to love your blog and experience a squeal of delight whenever you have the chance to update - regardless what the topic is. You make bazillions of people laugh, cry, broaden their minds, empathize, and (hopefully) think twice before saying stupid shit. Many, many continued wishes for a streak of awesome to come your way.

I also hate small talk, but I am supremely good at making people uncomfortable by answering their questions truthfully. It's awesome. You should actually throw those answers out and laugh at how fast people run away.

I was recently on a whitewater rafting trip, and our boat was filled with a bunch of children aged 16 and younger. So when we saw 2 beavers on the Snake River, and were unable to make any kind of lewd comment, my head almost exploded.

I too hate small talk! I would love to ZING people more often in the manner you speak! Lol! I don't know who is saying what but Jen even through all you go through you still have a way of making my hubby and I chuckle!

I hope Ainsley is getting on track to come home! We pray for you and your family often. All my best to you!

Honestly, that's not fair. You're not giving chex mix its fair share. Sure, Nutella is amazing, but Chex Mix, is... well... Chex Mix! And now I have an overwhelming urge to mix nutella the chex mix and bake it into a pie. It could work....

People suck. And I'm in Nutella Rehab. And you make me laugh ALL the time when I know I really shouldn't. And today I was late for church because of Sudden Onset Explosive Menstruation, and I just felt like I could share that here, because you feel like a safe zone.

Small talk is the worst. Especially talk about the weather and about where places are located (if the person you are talking to has no reason to ever need to go to the place they so desperately want the exact longitude and latitude of).

I'm sorry you have to go above and beyond small talk to deal with annoying and hurtful questions.

Like a previous poster, I have begun answering people's nosy questions about future children (and their continued non-existence) with excruciating detail. Let me tell you about my blood filled cyst! Hey, where are you going?

So. I really don't have anything to say because my head hurts. Really. Perhaps people asking said questions are confused and think a blog is code word fir "not really happening" and thus feel yOu should be writing a more interesting, less drama filled....book? I don't really want to deal with that kind of stupidity.

Sending hugs and hoping you aren't being to hard on yourself. I'm fat too. - Fatter from the grief than I am from carrying twins. I don't have the ENERGY to be funny. Grieving is hard freaking work. If anyone doesn't understand that, they can shove it in their piehole! Or another choice orifice.

Wtf is wrong with people? I can. Not. Believe. One would ask about when you will be funny again. For reals? I check your blog religiously because I want to know how your family is. in addition, you always make me laugh because you are a hysterical blogger despite your pain. I do hope that Ainsley is well, Oliva too.We call it nugget hole in my house. Nugget acts as an umbrella and catches whatever you shove at it.

People are asses. And I think you are hilarious. In fact, your blog is almost always funnier than my blog and I haven't been through all that you've been through. You actually inspire me daily to keep my head out of my ass and enjoy life despite all the crap that its dealt me and my family in the last year. Some people don't know humor. I like Nutella Hole, mine would be a Brownie Hole. Or an Ice Cream Hole.

I hid inside a rack of child’s clothing in Target once(I'm a very short person, I know this based on how often people pat the top of my head)to avoid an awkward conversation with my ex boyfriends Mom. And I liked her.

Recently I was eating potato chips with such enthusiasm that I bit my own finger. Again for good measure, I bit my own finger.

Fuck funny. You are hiliarious even when you're being maudlin - and I love you and your blog. I love people who hate small talk and have the balls to say they hate it. Before I got married I was living in Ireland and they had a shower for me and all of these women were sitting around yattering for hours about brands of washer/dryers and shit. I came home crying, I was so freaking bored - stupefied - that all they could talk about was washer/dryers. It took so much energy for me to seem interested I nearly dropped dead of exhaustion from blinking. (-:I LOVE your blog. LOVE it. You are an awesome writer. I will probably think of you tomorrow when i'm out interacting with the general public somewhere...resenting it...(-:

Small talk sucks. I walk really fast as if I'm in a huge hurry and quickly wave to people I don't wish to talk to. Maybe it's rude, but I'd rather just avoid the samll talk. Besides, I figure if I keep walking that way, my ginormous butt will get smaller! Hang in there girl!