TwistedThe-Long-Yet-Probably-Important-Author's-Note: First of all, I apologise. I have sick and twisted mind. Second of all, this is meant to be *funny*. Not necessarily meaning *you*'d find it funny, but some people do. *Don't* tell me I'm sick or gross and so and so don't belong together. *I know that*. And I know pretty much everyone is waaaay OOC. That's the point! Third, you should know that this is rated R for a reason. There are sexual allusions and adult humor. It's not very graphic, but things that are inappropriate for anyone who hasn't laughed through sex-ed class are mentioned. It's not rated NC-17 simply because I don't think it should be. I'm not 17 and I wrote this. My friends aren't 17 and they laughed their asses off. However, I should give fair warning that it is not a good idea to read this in front of your parents (and most certainatly not at school!), and *don't* show it to the people who want to ban Harry Potter... ::cough:: For anyone who's read any of my other stuff, this is *nothing* like that. This is my first and only attempt at humor writing. Also, there are quite a few inside jokes (especially at the end) that only people who have experienced the #Animorphs HP chats would understand.

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For the wacky and wonderful people at #Animorphs, my inspiration for all things dirty, disturbing, and otherwise.

Twisted! (Sick, sick stories)

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Ron moaned with pleasure a Harry's hands ran down his back. His mouth found Harry's and—

"NOOOOOOO!!!" Ron rips the paper out of the author's hands. "I am not gay!" "And neither am I!" Harry adds indignantly. The author blinks. "But they're so many stories with you two, I thought..." Ron groans. "Oh, don't tell me you read that fan story crap!" "It's fanfiction." The author corrects. "You know, there is a reason fan is short for fanatic." Harry points out. The author rolls her eyes. "I don't care. I'm writing this fic!" "Do you have to make us gay?" Ron sputters. The author looks uncertain. "Well, I didn't really think about other pairings..." With a rather loud 'poof', quite a bit of smoke, and a great deal of coughing, You-Know-Who appears. "Ahhhh!!!" Ron screams. "It's You-Know-Who!" "Voldemort!" Harry screams. "Mommy!" The author jumps up and shakes his hand. "Voldy! Oh, man, meeting you have been my lifelong dream! Will you marry me?" You-Know-Who blinks. "Er, I'm not Voldemort, I'm the other You-Know-Who, and no, I will not marry you." The author pouts. Harry and Ron stop screaming. "Who are you then?" "You may call me The-Other-You-Know-Who." Ron and Harry look at each other and nod. "Okay, then what are you doing here?" "I'm here to help you write this fic!" TOYKW pushes the author out of her chair and takes over the fic. "Now, let's try a different pairing..."

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"Ouch!" Hermione grumbled. "Whoever's elbow that is, get out of there!" "Elbow?" Ron blinked. "That's my foot..." "What the hell is your foot doing up my—" Hermione's eyes got very big. "Whoa, Harry!" Harry smirked. "I love to here you yell my name like that." "Hey, share the wealth!" "You're complaining, Ron?" Hermione grumbled. "At least you get to on the bottom. Why do I always have to be in the middle?"—

"WHAT???" Hermione bursts into the room. "What are you writing?" TOYKW blinks. "A fic. A smut fic, to be precise." Harry arches his eyebrows. "That's not very smutty. That's not even NC-17! I mean, really, you should see some of the things—" Everyone looks at Harry. "Er..." "You read that stuff, Harry???" "Er..." Hermione is still glaring at TOYKW. "What. Was. That." "That was you, Ron, and Harry." "I know that! What were we doing?" "You were, well," TOYKW lowers his voice, "having sex." "But, but..." Hermione blinks. "The three of us?" "Yeah. A threesome." Pause. "A THREESOME???" All three scream at the same time. "You don't like threesomes?" "NO!" "Oh. Okay."

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"Whoa, hey, watch where you stick your leg, Harry, you're squishing my package!" Seamus protested. "Oops..." Harry shifted. "That better?" "Much." "Whoa!" Dean shouted. "Whoever's hand that is don't move!" Everyone froze. "I think that's me." Lavender wiggled her fingers. "Nope." George said. "Your hand happens to be in a much better place." Lavender giggled. "Oh, it must be me then." Parvati said. "Whoa, Herm, you sure are tight..." Fred muttered. "Sorry...I've been out of practice." "Hey! Who just hit me in the head?" Ron demanded. "And what's this sticky stuff in my hair?" "Sorry, Ron, that'd be me." "Geez, Neville, watch where you point that thing..." Lee said. "Sorry, it's my first time, you know..." "Maybe we should turn on the lights..." Ginny suggested. "What's the point of having a orgy with the light on?"—

Sirius gags. "That's sick! Peter? Me and that sniveling little—" "Watch your language, Padfoot." "Honestly, Sirius and Lily is enough of a stretched, but that..." Lupin blanches. "Yeah!" James agrees. "Geez, keep it down to two people at a time!"

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Hermione moaned with pleasure. Her back arched off the stones as ecstasy consumed her. She shuddered with pleasure as her lover kissed a line down her neck. "Oh, Severus—"

Hermione screams in horror and faints. "NO STUDENT-TEACHER PAIRINGS!"

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Sirius magicked his pants off and threw them into the corner. "Come here, you..." She giggled and conjured up a bed. "Why, Minerva, you little flirt—"