Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Courage. Or Not.

Please do not call me courageous.

Several of you have left very lovely comments about how brave I am to be taking this trip, and I feel like, in the interest of transparency, I should come clean.

While it is true this trip has been profoundly life-altering, and my perspective is changed forever, there is also a very substantial part of me that would sell my soul for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese right now.

I cannot even bring myself to look at pictures of my children, because my heart aches when I think that they are on the other side of the world.

I miss my husband so awfully that I cry when I think of him. I can tell that my brain will not allow me to fully process the things I'm seeing until I'm with him again.

We are taking a little puddle-jumper plane trip tomorrow, and it scares me so badly that I think I will only get through it with the help of pharmaceuticals.

I wish I could tell you I am adventurous and outdoorsy, but I cannot deny the moment of panic I felt when I realized this was the bathroom at our site yesterday:

And, demonstrating that I am not at all a sophisticated international traveler, I have messed up on these blasted electrical converters and I did this to my curling iron:

I melted it.Into two pieces.It was smoking so badly I thought the room would catch fire.That would’ve certainly left a lovely impression of Americans.

So, brave? Not quite. I'm a lonely, homesick, hungry goofball who has learned that sleeping under a mosquito net isn't quite as Hemingway-esque as I thought it would be.

A lonely, homesick, hungry goofball that is in love with these people.

You are braver than you know. You are there. Not home where it is safe, comfortable and where there is a real toilet. You are doing it and I for one am so proud and thrilled for you. I don't even know you in real life. You are making a difference in the lives of those beautiful children in the photo.
PS: sorry about the loss of your curling iron.

As I always tells my daughter who is plagued by many fears, brave doesn't mean you aren't scared. It means being scared but doing it anyway. You are brave. And compassionate. And a blessing to us all for sharing your experiences.

Shannon...I've nothing to say that deep down you don't already know, so I'll simply say I'm sorry. I *can* imagine the intensity of the emotions and what you are having to choose *not* to feel right now just so you can breathe.

You know God can take care of your family even better than you can. You already know that. It's still hard, though. I know.

Philippians 1:5-7
"because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

And if you didn't feel this way at some point we'd think you weren't human. Seriously, these feelings are ok to have. I think we'd all feel the same way. This is BIG stuff to take in all at once. ((hugs))

Shannon,
I so understand your feelings. "Hitting" that hole is a tad bit difficult and hard on the knees.
I know how homesick you are. Been there done that. BUT, what an experience you have to share with your beloved hubby and the children!
Just think, you are seeing things that they will only see through your eyes. The photographs that you posted are wonderful and only you can relive those moments with those you love so dearly. What precious gifts you will bring to their lives!
Puddle jumper airlines needs no pharmaceuticals. Just look out the window and admire the grandness of God's creation.
Oh, how I can hardly wait for your return to describe all the wonderful things you have seen,done,experienced.
Yup,strange food encourages one to lust for McDonald's. I really thought you would be missing Sonic Diet Coke!
Love ya bunches, have a blast! I haven't had an emergency call so all is well. Gego

Thank you for your transparency, and for giving of yourself so that the rest of us here can have a better understanding of the lives of others are like and why they need our help. Praise God for this trip and for the internet and for those who have given of themselves. We see things we never would have otherwise. Praying for you and the team.

I've gone to the bathroom in a hole like that before and felt all of those things. And I live with converters and have to double check wattage levels ALL THE TIME before plugging in. I caught my toaster on fire! So...you're not alone!

Funny thing - even though we live in a rather wealthy, Gulf state in the Middle East, our local mall (that sells PRADA, for crying out loud!) has those kinds of toilets. They look nicer, but it's still just a hole.

Let's just say, I hold it.

You are being brave. Facing all the new challenges without the normal comforts of home takes a lot of energy.

As for the curling iron - perfect excuse for another one! :) I fried my daughter's humidifier soon after we moved to Qatar. I have to live with converters too, but I still mess up sometimes, getting the right stuff plugged into the right converter.

Shannon, bravery is posting these things - and then NOT posting that you are turning tail and heading back to the comfort and familiarity of your own home. You are out there without your family and friends (and heck, your McDonald's, your toilet and your curling iron!), and you are getting up each day to bring joy and peace to people who need it. You rock - please don't forget that.

The wonderful thing about any kind of God-errand is that it always points others to God as the source of our strength and "bravery". Your transparency and honesty in this post point each of us directly to our Lord. You are bringing Him glory!

Oh Shannon!
We just love you and your willingness to even go there and do what you are doing.
I pray God's hand to continue to be strong and present these days. May His heart pour over you and you feel His presence like never before.

"I'm so grateful to Christ Jesus for making me adequate to do this work. He went out on a limb, you know, in trusting me with this ministry . . . but I was treated mercifully because I didn't know what I was doing—didn't know Who I was doing it against! Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus." 1 Timothy 1:12-14 (MSG)

Love you, Shannon. Praying for you throughout each day and for Hubs as I know he misses you too!

I don't care what you say...you are brave, you are courageous! My Hubby has been halfway around the world away from us before, but I am not near brave enough to do that. And then to brave that bathroom- Yikes! I am glad your trip has been as heartfelt as you hoped, and hopefully the homesickness will ease up a bit. My thoughts are with you.

You might be lonely, but you are NOT alone. God knows why He has called you there, and He will sustain you in your journey. And just think how amazing it is going to be to hug those mess-making, anger-inspiring kids of yours! (I thought I would die in the moments when our kids ran to us in the airport after our trip to Ethiopia! I still cry when I think about that hug!)

I wanted to thank you for your writings and photos. My husband and I had talked about sponsoring a child for some time, but never got around to doing it. Because of your blog and the blogs of the people in your group our entire family sat down at the computer last night and choose a child to sponsor. THANKS!!

Doesn't having to use an adapter stick! I blew up my CD player when we lived in Nigeria....oops! At least it wasn't your computer. You may not think you are brave but what you are is faith"full". Full of faith that God will protect you and see you through...and that you are right when he wants you.

Thank you for taking us along with you on this extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime experience Shan. Your words let us share these events with you, let us feel what you're feeling and see what you're seeing. I appreciate you gritting your teeth and forging ahead in spite of fear and trepidation.

To comment both to you, and to the people calling you brave and courageous, 'safety' is just an illusion. It's an illusion we've created for ourselves to make ourselves feel better. The US is no safer than Uganda - it is God alone who provides safety regardless of what continent you're on. He has blessed most of us rather comfortable lives compared to what you're seeing in Africa, but that doesn't make our safety here any more real than yours there - in any situation. He was in Uganda before you arrived, preparing the way for you. And after you leave, He'll remain, reaping the harvest and preparing the ground for those who are yet to come.

And so, take comfort in the knowledge that the same God who is watching over you and puddle-jumping airplane is also watching over your children. He is blessing each of you with safety, with His awesome presence, and He's working in you and through you to accomplish His purposes. The courage people speak of is no more than faith - that you know who the Provider is and that you're willing to trust Him.

Walk on in faith, and credit Him with the glory for being the everlasting, ever trustworthy Basis of your faith.

Wow. Thank you for saying that. You are so right. When I went to India the toilets looked the same. I gamely squatted. I loved the people, the place and I missed pizza Hut like you wouldn't believe. I was happy to be home. And now I want to go back to India and rough it again. No it wasn't Kipling, and no you're not Hemingway. But I guarantee you, despite it all, it is altering you and you will WANT to, HAVE to go back.
Enjoy your adventure. And you are still brave. Really.

I have to be honest here. I have never left a comment on your blog before now. I have read but just never commented on anything. I wish I could do what you are doing. I wish I go help those kids like you and the others are doing but honestly if it ever came down to the moment for me to walk out the door and leave behind my husband, 3 year old son and the rest of my family...I don't think I could. You all are doing this for our GOD and for those families and children in need and I just think that is amazing.

I am praying for you right now. God has you safe in His arms, even in the middle of a scary puddle jumper flight. I personally appreciate the sacrifice that you made of leaving your family for this week, because while I have seen the pictures of children like this countless times, it's never had such an impact on me. Thank you for making us more aware.

Oh Shannon, THIS is the most moving of your posts I have read. I went through the same realizations on mine and my daughter's recent mission trip to Mexico. We slept in tents, on desert sand, on top of scorpions (I was actually stung). We didn't have facilities-just a hole dug in the ground. Our showers were plastic bags of barrel water hung from a nail. And we still had so much more than the people we were helping! It is humbling, isn't it, to see how God has blessed us?

I'm from Indiana and just returned from Uganda on Monday. Our church went to visit an AIDS orphans school in the Kanungu district that we are supporting. I can so relate to the bathroom facilities challenges!! The guys in my group started admiring me for my "capacity." Thanks for your sharing your heart with humor.

You are courageous because you went. In spite of everything, you are there. You didn't pass on this opportunity to someone else. You didn't demand to be put on the first flight back home. While you are experiencing situations you have never dealt with before, you aren't folding. You are growing, you are learning, you are loving and you are sharing with the rest of us who are hopefully growing as well.

you can be brave and homesick at the same time...I promise. And, well sister, I've used a similar facility...in Europe, actually. I empathize. You are still brave! If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, right? You go girl!

Everytime I read your post I wish I were there with you. I read the men's posts and think they are good but then I go to yours and BooMamas for the details, the I-feel-like-I-am-there-with-you details. Thank you. We are going to sponsor a child. After residency we will probably sponsor more than one. Blessings.

Amazing things are happening on the internet this week, and I just had to post that we took the leap to sponsor two days ago (because I KNEW that we would before week's end): a darling 6 (almost 7) yr old girl named Irene, exactly five years older than my daughter (same birth date) — I pray that we can show her the love and support that she obviously so desperately needs, as well as teach my children about COMPASSION!! Hugs!!

I still think you are brave. I think you are doing better than I would be; I probably wouldn't have gone in the fist place. Every single post has made me cry, including this one; I don't know why. They just do.

I went to Mexico once with my husband to visit a family he knows down there. The family takes in and organizes missions trips in the area. I was sick the whole time, bawling my eyes, and wanting to come home every single minute. And we didn't even do any missions work; that was just from seeing the neighborhood and being in a strange place.

Oh no, my friend shared word of those type of "bathroom facilities" on her travels! I pray that the Lord would give you the strength you need in the next several days; that he would fill your heart with peace and soothe your aching tastebuds...

I'm enjoying reading yours and Boomama's posts about your trip. Your totally normal in feeling all of those things!!! I live in the UK and it's nothing compared to the physical hardships of living in Africa and I miss TX all the time! Sometimes people put us on a pedastal for doing what we do, but really we are totally human, people who said Yes to God when He called.

Deep breath in, my friend. Deep breath out. And yes, that bathroom facility would have scared me, too. I'm afraid that I would have had to ignore my need for potty. Makes us feel a bit silly about all the dumb stuff that we complain about. Makes me appreciate my little bathroom much more.

Courage is the act of conquering a fear, which you have done by just getting on the planes. There's no shame in wanting the comforts of home - even King David longed for water from his favorite well - and especially no shame in missing the helpmeet and children that God gave you. The shame would have come if you had passed on the trip because you wouldn't leave them or the comforts of home. You didn't. That also takes courage.

Probably the most courageous thing you've done on this trip though is going, even though you knew that you would come back a different person. Facing life "on the other side" is sometimes the hardest thing to do. You'll find that people will say that they understand what you saw, but really they don't "get it" at all and that will kill you. What hurts even worse is when you realized that you've stopped thinking about it all the time and have started getting "back to normal."

What you're facing now is hard and it took great courage to face. What you will face when you return will be orders of magnitude harder because once you've _seen_, then you must _act_. And it's overwhelming, and only by the grace of God that it's even possible.

But I know that, in _that_ moment, He'll give you the courage to take that step too.

I think what makes this so effective is that I can see that you are just like me. I'm not afraid of airplanes, but I'm afraid of other things that you're dealing with (especially strange food), and I would likely melt my curling iron too. It's a brilliant idea - send Everywoman to report on what it's like over there.

Please consider planning a block of several uninterrupted hours with your husband (once you have smooched your kidlets) for debriefing. I find that it takes nearly an hour for each day I was away (in China and/or N. Korea) to pour it out, sort it out, and pray it out. Then, safely under the covering of my godly husband, my perspective is again in focus and my heart is again full.

As far as I'm concerned you are courageous. Courage is doing something even though you are afraid. I know that every time in my life that I have gone ahead with something I was afraid to do, I have been blessed, even if it was only with the knowledge that I was courageous enough to try. And since we are God's children we don't have to do it alone! I totally understand your feelings about your husband and children. When I was away from mine last fall for 8 days, I thought I would just melt into a puddle of tears before it was over. But my homecoming was so sweet, and our moments together in the days following were so wonderful, I can't say I regret it a bit! PRAYERS and HUGS!

Praying for you! I LOVE your pics. I had to laugh, tho, at the bathroom pic! We have those here in Peru, too, and I could relate to your reaction to them! I have gotten used to them after 4 years, but never look forward to finding a bathroom like that...our girls call them "sqatty potties!" Praying that God will impact not only you, but the people you come in contact with during this trip to advance His kingdom.

My husband has gone to Africa twice so I knew about the bathroom facilities and what-not. He wants to take me one of these days and I'm just not sure I could handle it.
But I imagine it was so amazing meeting your child. I sponsor one in Haiti...