February 14, 2017

Some people’s Super Bowl is the Oscars. Some people’s Super Bowl is the Super Bowl. My Super Bowl is Valentine’s Day. And it’s not that different, really: The event has been taken over by commercials; You put in about four hours for 11 minutes of action; and 50% of the people come away disappointed.

Now, before I fly off to ref a lot of play, I wanted to leave you with a roundup of V-Day content that can be found on BreakupGirl.net. Think of it like those Super Bowl commercials; While you’re waiting to find out if you’ve won or lost, it’s nice to have a few laughs.

February 14, 2011

Breakup Girl isn’t exactly boycotting Valentine’s Day. No, she’s personcotting the holiday. Now, this has nothing to do with the fact that she’s alone this year. She just thinks: Why can’t couples treat every day like Valentine’s Day? Spread the love! To that end, here is some stuff from BreakupGirl.net to help celebrate this Monday — and the other 364 days:

February 9, 2011

Seinfeld, Schmeinfeld. Now there’s a comedy documentary featuring/involving no fewer than five beloved alums of Breakup Girl LIVE, including the magnificently talented and dare we say dashing Rob P. (alter ego of Defender Stratocaster), who wrote and performed all Breakup Girl music ever on stage and screen. (Oh, wait! Seinfeld, in fact, also performed at Breakup Girl LIVE. True story! And a really long one.) Anyway! Kristen Schaal!

Sadly, it’s not out until June, so we can’t say it’s the perfect Valentine’s Day escape into refreshingly funny alternative jokes about why you’re alone. But in the meantime, enjoy the new trailer, and watch this space for more!

Tagline: Alternative IS the mainstream. W00t! Tell that to your high school.

February 8, 2011

For sheer pith, of course, nothing can match Breakup Girl Haiku. But Morning Glory of Jezebel has given us a veritable Valentine of (swollen) purple prose, by pointing us — through this post — to the Tumblr Romance Club. There, as MoGlo puts it, “sometimes embarrassed but always funny consumers of erotic literature…write book reviews summarizing their paper conquests.” The sheer hilarity of these descriptions is BG-post-worthy enough (“Larkspur is a fair maiden on the Chrystal Isle in the Avalon Sea whose father is a dolphin shifter [he can take both forms]. This is pretty irrelevant to the plot, but they mention it, so I thought I would too.”); go now and read through the whole site. I’ll wait.

OK. See, what I adore about those Tumblr posts — and frankly, what makes for the best humor in general — is the (heaving, pounding) heart behind them. These writers are fans, fans who get what’s funny about these books and who get sincere unironic pleasure from them. They don’t kid because they snark. They kid because they love.

But anyway, so the original Jez post took to task a recent USA Today article that advised gentlemen (PAY ATTENTION!): “If you want to show the woman you love how much you care, take a page from a romance novel: look into her eyes, focus on what she says and really talk to her.” This gave MoGlo pause. “Wait a second. What? Act more like dudes in romance novels? Aren’t dudes in romance novels kind of… rapey?”

BUT! When it comes time for the sexxing, Kit decides that he’s had enough of the wooing, and straight-up says that he will have her, even if it means raping her.

*RECORDSCRATCH*

Now, to be fair, Rue gets into the whole thing, but STILL. YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT. It’s gross, and not only that, it’s totally unnecessary. Kresley Cole has a sh*tload of paranormal alpha heroes, and not ONCE is there even a hint of coercion. Our girl Zoe Archer has paranormal historical alpha heroes, and they do not rape. Because unlike Kit, they manage to be both hot AND not a total f*cking *sshole.

I was enjoying the book up until this point, since there’s a lot of really awesome historical dress and house pr0n, lots of fun Independent Woman action from the heroine, and lots of dragons. But at this point, I don’t care how much Rue likes this dude. He dropped an r-bomb. That is not sexy. Ever. No.”

First of all, I am totally borrowing “*RECORDSCRATCH*.” Second, amen. Third, an update. I’m pleased to note that Romance Club responded to the Jez post with this caveat: “…[T]he rapey review I posted this morning was a complete coincidence, and really, the genre has for the most part moved FAR beyond those kinds of plot devices. Free sh*tty books, while always hilarious, are not the best examples of the genre. I’ve reviewed several books I’ve absolutely loved, and none of them have any kind of forced sex whatsoever.” Good to know. No. really!

And just to circle back to the top, it turns out — if this study is any indication — that women are more attracted to pirates who really listen men whose feelings are unclear. NOT BECAUSE WE “LIKE” TO BE JERKED AROUND. But simply because when you’re not 100% sure if someone’s into you, you spend more time thinking about them, which in turn only heightens your interest. (Clearly this gargoyle did not get that memo.)

February 4, 2011

Today we’re posting two more Valentines that cover unserved markets: The first is for people who want to avoid V-Day altogether, and invoke February’s OTHER holiday, Presidents Day; the second is ideal for sending to single friends who probably won’t be getting any love this year. Order now to insure delivery by Valentine’s Day!

February 3, 2011

We’ve just added two new Valentines to our lineup of Breakup Girl greeting cards. Both are new versions of classic e-postcards from back in the day. The “alternate universe” one was originally inspired by an unrequited love situation, but also works for exes that have some level of regret, or potential couples that just never seem to find the right time or place to make it happen. “Have a Super Valentine’s Day” is inspired by those little boxed Valentines we used to exchange in elementary school — perfect for friends or even friends-with-potential. Order a box!

February 2, 2011

Now you no longer have to settle for mere eCards. Breakup Girl Valentines have made the leap to IRL with new Greeting Cards from Zazzle just in time for the holiday! Many of the store-bought cards out there may not strike the particular tone you’re looking for: Breakup Girl to the rescue! Whether you think V-Day is kinda dumb, deeply uncool, or just too much, we’ve got you covered. Plus, we will be adding new cards through the end of the week.