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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Wow, I can't believe we're half way there! What a ride so far...things are going along fine...no cause for concern or worry...but that hasn't stopped me from being concerned or worried, lol!

I really can't wait until I can feel my Girl move on a regular consistant basis...I feel a nudge or a twinge every so often throughout the day but am never 100% sure it's Baby. Then, when I don't feel anything for a while, I get worried.

I went to my 1st Prenatal Class last night...hopefully it gets better because last night was pretty dry. The one thing that struck me was this list the nurse put up on the Top 10 Worries Expectant Mothers have...I was surprised that my worries didn't appear on the list (except for maybe 2 or 3) & there was a bunch of other things I'd never thought to worry about! Then I started to worry that I wasn't worrying enough...or that I was worrying about the wrong things...I know I have become a worrying mess since getting my BFP but this threw me to a whole new level. Then I stepped off that crazy train & remembered that I think I'm managing my worry pretty well...I've stopped Googling stuff since you most often find the worst case scenarios...I talk it out with those close to me so I can identify when I'm being irrational (which is most of the time) plus, their reassurance is comforting...I'm not afraid to discuss even my silliest worries with my Midwife so she can reassure me from a medical & professional point of view...but it's constantly there, like white noise, this worrying in the back of my mind...I'm not stressed out or anxious or anything...I just...worry.

Amusingly, they played a video last night & I thought, "Here we go, here comes the scary birthing video." Yet this video was all sunshine & rainbows & oh, look Baby just slid right out...I mean, Come ON!!! I've read enough Birth Stories & seen enough The Baby Story on TLC to know that the video they showed was not an accurate portrayal of what to expect!! I felt like telling the nurse, "Come on, Sister! Give it to me straight! No more of this fluff!!" Maybe they're just easing us into it...

Anyway, even though I have that Worry White Noise I am still enjoying being pregnant...okay, enjoy maybe isn't the exact right word...but it's still a worthwhile means to an end...& it is all still very facinating what our bodies do!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm a little hesitant though, as my wonderful U/S tech said she couldn't give a 100% answer to the gender question...so there is still a chance it could go the other way...knowing that I wanted to know, she kept her eyes peeled during the entire 45 minute appointment...the area was obscured by the umbilical cord a lot of the time...she was able to get a few glimpses & combined those with her technical & scientific markers & made her best educated guess. So even though she couldn't give me a 100% sure answer, she wouldn't have given me any answer if she wasn't somewhat confident...so...

I'm going to have a...DAUGHTER!!! Probably, lol!!!

That brings me to another realization this whole U/S brought on for me...all this time, I had been thinking in terms of Baby & Boy or Girl...but I am going to have a Daughter! A Daughter! OMG, a DAUGHTER!!! (Or a Son, but you get my drift...) It just seems so surreal to me! STILL!!

It's an odd feeling for a dream of mine to come true...I'm not being pessimistic or negative...I mean, my life hasn't always worked out the way I wanted, but it's always worked out & I am happy with the turn out (especially now!)...but for the most part, the things I've really really desperately wanted haven't worked out...I've dealt with a lot of disappointment...but this one dream, my dream of motherhood...the one dream I want more than anything I have ever before wanted or I believe I'll ever want...it's the dream that's coming true.

I'm having a Daughter!

P.S. I had boy's names picked out...girl's names? not so much...I'm so jealous of those of you who know what you're going to name your children!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Well, I was all excited when I got home last night to post that I was having a...

...a...then it dawned on me...there are those in my close network of friends & family that weren't at the party..so they don't know yet...do I want them to find out that I'm having a...{insert gender here}...by reading it on my blog?

So, dear blog friends, I have to hold off just a few more days before I let the cat out of the bag...but I couldn't resist a little teaser :)!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Today is October 10, 2010 - 10-10-10...my 36th birthday...and I have 150 days until my due date...I learned something significant about turning 36 that I just loved & had to share...I read Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens & she did this post back at her birthday about turning 36...it really spoke to me then & even more so now...this is a special, once in a lifetime thing to have a birthday fall on such a significantly numbered day then add to that that I am turning the significant age of 36 - my double life...and add to that, on my 36th birthday, my double life birthday I am actually carrying new life inside me. Somthing I had started to give up hope on last birthday...

It was last year's birthday that I first started considering becoming a SMC...if you had told me, "Tara, you'll be pregnant this time next year." I'd have told you that you were cracked!! Now look at me! 18 weeks, 4 days pregnant & 150ish days until I meet my child!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Those are words I never thought I would say!!! True though...my nephew called me the other night, he had some stuff he needed to ask me, he is 7 & so adorable! Anyway, when we were finished talking he said Daddy wanted to ask me something...Turns out that my brother is extremely anxious to find out the gender of my Precious One! His enthusiasm brings tears to my eyes! For him to be this excited really means a lot to me...anyway, he knew I was finding out Baby's gender on Oct 12th & didn't want to wait until the following Sunday (the 1st potentially possible time for my family to get together) so he's decided to have everyone over to their place on Tuesday so we can have a big reveal! Luckily everyone in my family is available although his stance on that was if they couldn't come TFB!!

That means I am back to Plan A about finding out...my friend (who will also be in the delivery room with me) is coming to my appointment & my tech will divulge the juicy details to her & they will seal it in an envelope for me to take to the party & I will find out right along with my family!! I'm very excited!

I needed that excitement right now...my mind has been such a jumble lately. I have tried composing posts but haven't been able to organize my thoughts...but I will try.

I am 18 weeks today! I can't believe it! It was exactly 10 weeks ago today that I saw my Precious Baby & watched the heart beat away for the 1st time...only 10 weeks ago! It feels like a life time!

I have moments where fear absolutely grips me. What if something has gone wrong? I don't let myself dwell there long though since there is no rational or logical reason to warrant such worry.

Logically & rationally I remind myself that I'm experiencing (sometimes pretty intensely) round ligament pain & that wouldn't happen if Baby & uterus weren't growing...for the most part I'm keeping it together & not totally freaking out with worry or fear.

The thing is, from the beginning, none of this has seemed real...I've felt like I'm going through the motions & experiencing it all but am waiting to wake up & realize it's all been a dream...it's all very surreal to me & I have moments where I think, "Whoa, wait...I'm Pregnant? Really?"

A few weekends ago, I visited my friend for the weekend as she is moving & has all kinds of kids stuff to pass down to me. The one thing she is lending me is very special...Her grandfather made, with his own 2 hands, a wooden cradle...a true family heirloom...and she has allowed me to borrow it for my Baby...I am so touched & honoured. She has been like a sister to me, I was her maid or honour...& now to have this honour...

And this cradle...wow! I mean it is BEAUTIFUL! It is a big wooden one...I mentioned my love of Little House on the Prairie...well this cradle looks exactly like the cradle Charles made in one episode...I think the one where they had their son but who died & Laura blamed herself...anyway, I'm sure you can picture this cradle, it's amazing.

My Mom helped me get it inside & since I wasn't prepared to move it into my bedroom just yet, I put it in my living room, out of the way. Well later that day I was drawn to it & walked over & stood over it & it all hit me like a bucket of ice water...I'm. Having. A. Baby. This cradle is going to hold my Precious One during their 1st months of life. For the 1st time it really felt real! The mixture of feelings...joy, awe, relief, fear, joy...I was so grateful to really be feeling something, and so strongly!

Now I have less than a week to wait before I see my Baby again & hear that precious heartbeat...I can make it, I know I can :)

2) I've been known to be a bit of a dare devil...I have been skydiving twice, handgliding twice, I took a flying lesson once...so even though I'm afraid of things that fly I'm not afraid to fly!!

3) I learned to ride a motorcycle before I learned to drive a car & received motorcycle for my sixteenth birthday...I never followed through with getting my motorcycle license though.

4) I hate, hate, hate to do the dishes I wish I had a dishwasher! However I love to do the laundry!

5) I'm only at #5?!? Let's see...I enjoy travelling but have not been to nearly as many places I dream about going...my favourites of the places I've been are Prague, Lucerne, Nice & Barbados.

6) I love to read...sometimes I have 2 or more novels on the go at one time...I couldn't choose any one author or genre as a favourite as that all depends on my mood at any given time.

7) One of my all time favourite TV shows is Little House on the Prairie...watching this show with my mom & brother are some of my favourite childhood memories & I use to imagine Charles Ingalls was my Pa.

There we have it...now as for my nominations...most of who I follow have been nominated already so I'll just have to double up...

About Me

This is the story of a girl who had the fairy tale dream of meeting a Prince Charming, getting married & having a house full of children. Instead of Mr Right, I met DR. RE & found Mr. Anonymous Sperm Donor...Even though the Once Upon a Time didn't quite work out as expected there's still a Happily Ever After...Follow me along as I navigate life as a Single Mom by Choice (SMC).