Tag Archives: forgiving family

I’m sitting at my desk with the computer on, iPod playing with an inviting, warm mug of coffee sitting next to me. They are waiting patiently for me to start work, but I don’t. My feet are resting on the edge of my desk while I hold our big, fat cat in my lap. She contentedly purrs and occasionally nuzzled me on the chin. Absently, I notice how her soft, heavy, weight in my lap feels comforting. I continue to stare out the window lost in thought.

My chest feels heavy like an invisible brick is pushing down hard between my breasts, my head aches, but it’s the heavy sensation on my chest that’s troubling me. The weight isn’t the beginning of a heart attack; it’s the result of years of hurt. This brick has been carefully constructed by the fibrous tissue of judgment, verbal abuse, bitterness, unjust behavior, self-protection, and un-forgiveness. And it’s heavy, pressing down on my sternum making it hard to breathe.

The unusual thing about this brick is that it’s frequently weightless, as if gone from my life. During this time my heart is hopeful and I want to spend time considering and praying about my relationships. With a hopeful spirit I choose to forgive; I choose to lay my hurts down before God. I desire to draw closer to Him and see others through His eyes.

Then something happens to set off old patterns of abuse and hurtful words are hurled through the air and I feel the impact of them. I feel them working their way into the brick, finding a comfortable resting place next to the other festering pain. The brick is back, heavier than before, pressing mercilessly down on my sternum and I wonder how all those negative, hurtful emotions from the past can come back with such force after I have chosen to forgive and let them go.

So, here I sit at my desk with every necessary tool for a productive day. But instead of working, I watch the tree branches move to the rhythm of the wind while pondering the uncomfortable pressure of the emotional brick on my chest. I want to know how to truly lay down the hurt from yesterday. I want to forgive so deeply that past pain will not have the power to mix with and amplify the hurts of today. But, I’m human and for some unknown reason God made us emotionally complex beings that feel passionately, struggle mightily, and desperately need His guidance.

With this knowledge I ask God for his forgiveness and help.I acknowledge my pain is real, but so is theirs.I admit my part in the situation, because I’m not innocent.Then I thank God for the good within my loved one and within myself; we are both God’s children.And the brick gets lighter; for now.Each time I practice seeking God’s truth in the midst of emotional pain they strengthen me and give me courage to forgive, again.

I’m grateful that God’s forgiveness is not like that of humans, Psalm 103:12 says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions (sins) from us.” This verse is comforting and humbling; how can God forgive so completely? I long to be able to forgive like God, but as of today, I don’t fully understand how to forgive the transgressions of others. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe our seriously limited ability to forgive keeps us humble before God.

Pam sat in the small auditorium eagerly waiting to hear the main speaker at the church’s women’s retreat. The theme of the retreat was “Living a Grateful Life” and she desperately wanted help in understanding how to live daily with a grateful attitude. Somehow over the last several years her attitude toward life in general and her family specifically had become negative. Pam knew her negative attitude was damaging her most precious relationships and that it wasn’t honoring God. With her whole heart she desired to change, but it was difficult establishing a new way of thinking.

The speaker began. “Lately I’ve been thinking about how important the act of being grateful is and how it can effect our everyday lives. Learning to live a grateful life is such an important goal that when I type “being grateful” into the Amazon search box the results show 22,226titles concerning this topic. The Bible has more than 68 verses that specifically address being grateful or thankful to God for and in all our circumstances. Pam thought, “68 verses! I didn’t realize how important being grateful was to God.”

The speaker continued. “Why is it important to God that we Christians discipline ourselves in having a grateful spirit? I think it’s because the act of being thankful focuses our minds on God, and His faithful hand of provision. It puts the emphases on God and diminishes the frustration of our daily trials. Practicing a grateful attitude helps us see and appreciate the many blessings God has given us, even when the blessings turn into momentary trials. ”Pam identified with this last statement; so many things she’d once considered a blessing had become trials in her life.

The speaker went on. “A grateful attitude is a powerful attitude because it can change our body language, tone of voice, thought pattern, and interaction with others. A grateful attitude increases our energy and inspires those around us. A grateful attitude will help keep us mindful of the fact that we are blessed by God and he loves us mightily. A grateful attitude may not change our situation or circumstances, but it will help give us strength while going through them and make our days much more enjoyable.” Pam wanted to be grateful; she wanted to be a blessing to others.

Next the speaker addressed the damaging effects of a negative attitude. “On the other hand a negative attitude will have the opposite effect. It will drain our energy, change our body language, tone of voice, thought pattern, and interaction with others, for the worse. And it will discourage those around you. A negative attitude will hinder our prayer life and Bible reading. That’s why as Christians it’s imperative that we discipline ourselves daily to have a grateful attitude.” Pam felt like the speaker was describing her and felt deep pain within her spirit. She prayed for God’s forgiveness.

Concluding, the speaker addressed specifically how a God honoring attitude of gratefulness impacts the family. “Sometimes our greatest blessings can also be our greatest struggles. For example our families are indeed a great blessing. However, when our husband’s idiosyncrasies start bugging us or when the children are whining, fighting, and generally driving us crazy, they can feel more like a curse than a blessing. This is when we need to practice the discipline of being grateful instead of giving in to negative thoughts about our loved ones. If we allow that initial negative thought to take root in our minds, it can quickly grow and before long our annoyance with a few little quirks becomes the filter through which we see our spouses or children. That’s why we need to discipline our minds to be thankful to God for the many blessings He has given us including our families instead of dwelling on our irritation with them. When we choose to do this it will bring our negative thoughts into captivity and release ourselves to love as God has instructed us to love.”

That’s what Pam wanted, to honor God by disciplining her mind to be grateful, enabling her to love as God intended. The speaker passed out a list of Bible verses about gratefulness, Pam read them and determined to use them as her daily guide to disciplining her mind to be grateful daily.

Psalm 100: 1-5 (A Psalm for giving thanks.) Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Ephesians 5:20 Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Philippians 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippian 4:8Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Grace:Unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. A virtue coming from God. A state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace. Approval, favor, mercy, pardon, disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency.I love God’s grace. I like cuddling up to the knowledge that He loves me; accepts my sinful imperfect self while giving me undeserved forgiveness, unconditionally. In God’s grace I find stability and security because there isn’t anything I can do that will separate me from the love of God. If I disappoint Him, He won’t leave me, or hate me, or ignore me for a period of time. God’s grace and love are merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.By God’s design, humans are grace seekers. We spend tremendous energy looking for love and in that love we desire grace. Grace that allows us to be ourselves quirks and all, and that will forgive us when we make a mistake. How many songs have been written about searching for love; a love that will accept us for who we are and forgive our faults; a love undeserved?

Of course, there are many people who believe they have found true love and are overcome by the knowledge that someone accepts them completely. However, the honeymoon always ends and the unconditional lover becomes annoyed with our quirks and eventually finds it hard to forgive our misdoings. Quickly, the notion of unconditional love fades away. But God’s grace and love do not fade away; they are the same yesterday, today, and forever.

When we accept God’s grace and start to comprehend the spiritual depth of it, we become grateful, and grateful people are happy people. As we grow in God’s grace we realize that it isn’t a one way street; those who receive God’s grace are compelled to humbly give grace to others. Sometimes this means we must lay down our righteous judgment or individual rights. This can be tough, but the reward is great.

Grace and Forgiveness are separate entities but it’s almost impossible to give one without the other. To me, grace and forgiveness are related to each other much like inhaling and exhaling. They are separate acts but one can’t be done without the other. If you inhale without exhaling you will faint and the same is true if you try to exhale without inhaling. And this is where God’s grace gets interesting. Because God gives his grace freely to each one of us and we benefit greatly from the knowledge that we are set free from our sin it becomes incumbent on us to give grace freely to others.

This is the part of God’s grace that doesn’t feel so cuddly. My giving grace to others requires me to lay down my pride. It requires that I not hold my family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors under the harsh umbrella of my self-righteous judgment. I must give grace to others because I’ve received unmerited grace from God.

In his book Counterfeit Gods, Timothy Keller addresses God’s grace by writing, “All humans beings are equally unworthy of God’s love and that therefore all humans beings have equal access to God’s grace.” He also addresses what happens when we lay down our pride and choose to forgive others. “But if you let it humble you rather than embitter you, and turn to God instead of living for your own glory, then the death of your pride can lead to a resurrection. You can emerge with a tender heart instead of a hard heart.”

I hope that you will embrace God’s grace. That you cuddle up to it; finding acceptance, stability, and security there. Then with a new understanding of the spiritual depth of God’s grace, extend it to others whether you think they deserve it or not.

Debora Shelford Hobbs

Psalm 86:15 but, you Oh Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Romans 8:37-39 in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ephesians 4:7 but to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Titus 2:11 for the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.