Thursday, July 21, 2011

Poetic License Horoscopes for July 22-28

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): As soon as you get home from work, pack up the car with blankets, pillows, and beach books. Wait until late at night when the traffic dissipates and drive to the nearest shore. Have an ice cream cone with sprinkles, find some pretty shells, and kiss the nearest salty face.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Give your face and art a break from trying to be lovable. Stop ruminating on the funhouse mirrors you keep in your heart for yourself. Fold every unrequited love into paper airplanes and fly them until they turn to birds.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): To my Libra friend whose hearing is unwell—we can hope that soon your ears will open like umbrellas or flowers or like your heart and you’ll hear every 808 in every dance remix of every festive song so clearly it’ll be like Morrissey is tattooing love letter endorphins directly onto your brain.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Alyssa, the blond roommate in The Real L Word never seems to have her own plotline—she seems to exist only to narrate the “heartthrob” Whitney’s shenanigans. You are the opposite of that—you know there are storylines enough for everyone, so go out and thicken the plot.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Your choice to create a new thing or two daily is such an admirable one—take time to thank every pigeon you ever apologized to, every holey sock, every friend whose request for help you’ve ever granted. Write it all down and arrange it neatly.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): The Philadelphia Magic Gardens is comprised of beautiful multicolored mosaic tiles, paintings, sculptures, repurposed wine bottles, and all manner of found things. The other day my summer camp was there and one of my little campers counted 28 rainbows refracting off the mosaic mirrors. You are collecting for something similar.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) “For those of us too romantic to function without a poetic heart:/ May the stars carefully guide our verses./ May we fall in love as easily as we can allow./ May every celebratory sunset be just as it was meant./ May heartbreak never sully the beauty we see/ Everywhere.” --Hannah McDonald

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Here’s how to get through a traffic jam: turn the music up and open the windows. Get to know your car neighbors. Root for the pretty passenger running to the roadside to pee and hiding quite inadequately. Make pick up truck nemeses and wish them ill. There’s no reason for this traffic jam, no accident, and your way will be cleared soon enough.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Oh Aries, thank you for being so patient when love overflows and makes a little mess, though it may have been silly to put it in such measured containers. Though we have to write to nearer satellites, the stars will keep sending you texts like little gray space butterflies full of cute. We really just can’t help it.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): The other night in a bar a girl I don’t know turned to me and said “You give really awkward compliments.” in kind of a mean way and it took the wind out of my sails a little, even though, duh, in the oddly old-timey words of Lady Gaga, “I was born this way.” Oh Taurus, thank you for being on the receiving end of so much awkward, and for treating the awkward so kindly. Your merit badge in sensitivity is currently being embroidered.

Gemini(May 19-June 21): Soon it’ll be time for the family camping trip, so pack up your tent, the big flashlight, and all of your s’more ingredients. Be prepared to sleep to the sounds of owls, revelers, and silence.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): You have no way of knowing how many gifts you give on any given day. This morning, your poems are being read aloud in a summer camp, inspiring the best lines ever about the meaning of colors, turning the oddest and most special phrases.