The winner of that will get a HUGE PRIZE!! By which I mean he or she will be my featured blogger for the week! Also he or she will receive a lifetime supply of Turtle wax! But not really.

Oh, it’s going to be ever so much fun, isn’t it? Being a featured blogger on The Byronic Man would be, as Peter Pan said, an “awfully big adventure!”

No, wait, that was death. Um, you know what? Scratch that last part.

It’ll be fun, is my point. And fun, as we all know my friends, is fun.

Ready?

So, we’ve all been to job interviews; we’ve all endured awful questions. A friend of mine had an interview this week in which she was asked “How many barbers would it take to cut every man in Chicago’s hair?” And it wasn’t a rhetorical riddle, along the lines of “How much wood could a woochuck chuck?”. The point is, you never know what’s coming.

Maybe it’s a question about clothing, or past experience. Maybe it’s about how “comfortable” we are with certain conditions. Regardless, we smile and answer in a way that’s perky, confident, and a bald-faced lie.

But what would it take to crack through that armor? For your Weekly Question of the Week this week, What’s the worst question you could be asked at a job interview?

Next question, and please answer honestly. How are you working with extremely toxic materials? Also, do you know any good barbers in Chicago?

photo credits:

“Turtle Wax,” by Lisa Bardot, Flickr, 2007

“Uniformed Man At Desk,” by University of Idaho Digital Initiatives, Flickr, 2011

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

That question about the barbers is designed to see if you think outside the box. Someone average might come up with a number like ’50’. Someone clever but still inside the box might say ‘2. One to cut the hair of every other man in Chicago, and one to cut the first barber’s hair.’ The best answer would be ‘1’, because the barber could be a woman.

The worst question would be something like ‘what would you do if you found out your boss was fooling around with one of your coworkers?’ Assuming your boss is the one interviewing you, this could be one of the most uncomfortable questions, because you don’t know if you’re being asked literally what you would do (because it’s happening), or if you’re being judged on your character.

After watching her reaction, they actually then clarified that what they wanted to know was how would she go about making that calculation. But they intentionally phrased it that way to see her response. Nice.

Oh my GOD, I hate the “what’s your greatest weakness” question. Not only do they know you’ll answer with a fakey “I work too hard!” or “I’m a perfectionist!”, but you’d be penalized for not giving a fake answer.

a) If you go asking me questions about barbers and men’s hair, I’m going to have to ask, “Are we talking shaving heads, Pompadours, crewcuts, “Just a little off the top and sides,” mullets, what? How dare they oversimplify such a question. Obviously haircare professionals are Awesome but even they need extra time if they’re “washing and waxing” or detailing. Pfft.

b) Where were we?

c) I’ve worked at the same place shy of 16 years. I don’t recall; although before I got a gig at a record store in the 80s, I was given a several page test that asked questions like, “What’s track 3 on side B of Coda” Luckily, I knew that shite…then. I also had to take a test to work at FING WALMART (it was a Psych test) and they never rang back. I’m not joking.

It’s a horrible question because there’s no right answer, and because the more involved your answer is, the more you have admitted that you’re annoying. The shorter your answer is, the more clueless you appear to be as to how annoying you are.

I was once helping do interviews where I worked and something on the resume made the other interviewer say, “What are you, Mormon?” The applicant replied, “You can’t ask me that.” He said, “Oh, right.” pause “Well, apparently you’re hired.”

“Hypothetically speaking, if I were to call you at, say, 2:30 a.m. one Saturday night and ask you to drive out to a hypothetical motel located on the outskirts of town next to the old Denny’s, and, hypothetically speaking, you were to discover me half-clothed, sobbing and holding a blood-spattered knife with a dead, naked prostitute laying on the bed drenched in a red, sticky substance, would you call the police or would close the door quickly and formulate a plan to help me dispose of the body?”

“Pretend I’m George Clooney. Would you sleep with me to get this job?”

Impossible to answer that. Yes? You might actually be committing to pretending he’s George Clooney. No? You don’t get the job. Yes? You’re a hussy and clearly have no principles- leave the office immediately. No? You’re a liar. Yes? You’re an idiot- who says yes to that in an interview? No? You’re too stringent a rule-follower, obviously incapable of thinking outside the box when the greater good clearly benefits everyone involved.

In reality, I personally really hate “Why do you want this job?” Every interviewer is going to ask it, and no matter what you say, it seems like a lie. The obvious reason is “because I no longer like my current job” or “because I need a job, as I currently have none.” But you can’t say either of those things. For each interview, for each job, you have to come up with a different, personalized answer for why it’s so obvious that absolutely no other job would do for you. I was once told that the ONLY reason I did not get a job at a university is that the other candidate specifically said she wanted to work for that university. My answer had been totally good – they told me that – but she got the job because she just said she wanted to work for that university. Curses!

1) How are you preparing for the Apocalypse?
2) Why do you choose to remove each victim’s left big toe before burying them alive?
3) Can you orgasm on command?
4) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
5) Which do you prefer; a) young boys, b) glory holes, or c) farm animals
6) How many children do you have?
7) What are your wives names?
8) Which would you rather do, put your finger in my butt or up my nose?
9) What is your Facebook password?
10) Do you have any gum?

“How do you react when you get yelled at?” That question was actually asked of me at an interview. I was offered the job and nearly didn’t take it because of that one question. “Why do I want to work for someone who will yell at me?” I thought. As it turned out, the man had been to an HR seminar and they TOLD him to ask that question of all applicants.

He is one of the nicest people on the planet. I worked for him for 3 years and he never once yelled at me.

My company asks every potential employee, “What does 11 x 12 equal?” I think only 1/4 of the applicants manage to answer correctly – scary, yes? Can I say on the record that I *think* I got the right answer?

As part of a training session, I was once asked to list in order of priority things like : Kids, Spouse, Overtime, God, Hobbies, Work, Social Life. I get the idea behind the question; but I told them I felt it was none of their business when they incorporate non-work related items.
Oh, If I win, it’ll be a cheap deal for you, I don’t own a turtle – just sayin.

hahaha oh I’ve missed this blog! (I think I can finally get back to “normal” later this week, yayyyy!) Wait, does that count as your favorite answer already?

Okay. So. During my last interview I was asked, “What would you do if you won the lottery?” and that’s a g.d. trick question, because obviously the answer is ALWAYS, “I wouldn’t be friggin’ here right now, that’s for shizzle!!!”

Also bad? Being asked about your previous boss, who recently passed away, and then crying. Another true story.

Oh and lastly, being asked to do long-hand math. OMG. Another true story!

Have you EVER been terminated or disciplined at a previous position? This one sucks if you’ve worked for any length of time because you’re always going to run into someone who you can’t get along with.
Second to that – why did you leave your last position? You don’t want to sound like a boss basher even if the idiot you worked for was a toral moron, so you have to give the PC answer which is a lie anyway.

Aside from the dreaded “self-diagnosis” questions such as “What’s your weakest/strongest trait?” etc., I hate being asked to predict the future. I can’t stand “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” or any semblance thereof. I understand the purpose of it, to some degree, and I do plan and think ahead (having short and long-term goals, setting money aside, contingency plans, etc.); however, I don’t project in that fashion, so it becomes difficult for me to answer such questions. I would love to tell those who ask me this, “One moment while I pull the crystal ball out of my a** and take a look…. Ohhh…. Soo sorry. Apparently, my clairvoyance isn’t working today, I can only see where I am right now.”