A funny-smelling salve to sooth the aches and pains brought on by today's news.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Add in hush money, alimony and jewelry

In his press conference at the Masters, Tiger Woods apologized to his fellow golfers for the distraction he caused them while he was off. A lot of them were unable to concentrate because of all of the reporters asking “Who are you?”

At his press conference, Tiger Woods said he “missed the competition.” Nothing sharpens your skill like competing with 60 other golfers for the hot blonde in the 18th hole gallery.

About 90 former FBI and Secret Service agents will form a crew of up to 90 bodyguards at the Masters and some of them will be armed. This is to throw off any of Tiger’s former mistresses who will be trying to identify him by the pistol in his pocket.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. Sticks and stones may break his bones, but whips and chains and handcuffs can never hurt him.

Republicans upset with the Republican National Committee have formed a rival organization called American Crossroads. Their mascot is an elephant standing on Michael Steele.

A study in the journal Economics Letters fund that blonde-haired women earn seven per cent more than women with hair of other colors. That number goes to seventy percent when you add in hush money, alimony and jewelry.

With the launch of the space shuttle Discovery, four women are in space at the same time for the first time in history. NASA scientists say there’s no danger they’ll all get on the same cycle and knock the moon out of orbit.

Apple’s iBooks censors blocked out the word “sperm” in a description for Herman Melville's “Moby Dick” but not “Dick.” That’s because it needs “Dick” for descriptions of people who give the iPad a negative review.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. China cancelled the concerts after dozens of government censors resigned out of frustration while trying to translate Dylan’s lyrics.

Singer Erykah Badu says “Window Seat,” the video in which she appears naked where President John F. Kennedy was shot in Dallas, is being “grossly misunderstood.” If they didn’t want her to show her butt where the assassination occurred, they should have changed the spelling of “assassination.”

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Welcome to Topical Rub!

Dr. Paul prescribes a daily dose of Topical Rub applied liberally or conservatively to where ever you hurt after the exertion of viewing the daily news, whether it be politics, sports, entertainment or just the unusual posing as reality. Topical Rub comes in two forms: short jokes for quick relief and selections from Paul's column "This Got Me Thinking" for long-lasting relief. Excerpts from Topical Rub are published by the New York Times Laugh Lines page, Huffington Post and other fine humor providers. For a custom batch of Topical Rub for your publication or web site, contact Paul at paulseaburn@earthlink.net or visit his web site www.humorhandyman.com.

About Me

Paul Seaburn is the head writer for 12th Street Jump, a jazz/blues/comedy show on KCUR in Kansas City and kcur.org. He was the head writer for "Taylor's Attic," an Emmy Award-winning family sitcom filled with zany puppets and original music for kids of all ages. DVDs are available on Amazon or at www.taylorsattic.com.
Paul is the former editor and writer for CapitalistBanter.com and contributor to nytimes.com and HuffingtonPost.com. He's written for Jay Leno, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, many other comedians and speakers, "The Tonight Show," "Comic Stip Live," "Caroline's Comedy Hour" and numerous magazines and websites.