Talk

Late Laughs for the week of March 10 - 16, 2019

The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Grammys are the biggest night of the year for music, and the biggest night of the year for your parents to text you asking, "Who are these people?"

Drake's track "God's Plan" won for Best Rap Song and Childish Gambino's "This Is America" won Song of the Year. "God's Plan" and "This Is America" -- this was the first year rap songs sounded like they were named by country singers.

A tech company from the U.K. has launched an app that aims to help ranchers find the perfect breeding partner for their cattle. It's basically Tinder for livestock. Yeah, I know -- you thought regular Tinder was a meat market.

It looks like Congress has agreed on a bipartisan spending deal to avoid another possible government shutdown. It's a good compromise. Negotiators say there's enough in the deal to make both sides completely miserable.

The FBI has now asked the public for help finding a stolen trailer containing $65,000 worth of energy drinks. The thieves were last seen barreling down the freeway at 150 miles an hour, on foot.

A man in Jamaica recently won $158 million in the lottery, and in order to hide his identity and keep a low profile, he claimed the prize wearing a "Scream" mask. Now, do you want to tell him that his name is right there on the giant check, or should I?

I hope you had a great Valentine's Day! Although, if you're watching this show right now, at 12:37 at night, let's be honest, you probably didn't.

Hidden Valley has just released a new version of their famous ranch dressing. They're calling it their blasted ranch-dipped pizza-flavored ranch. You can look for it at your local supermarket in the aisle marked, "She's never coming back, is she?"

This morning, President Trump took to Twitter to make an important policy announcement. I'm kidding, he never does that.

Conan

El Chapo was convicted. Here's the scary thing: he is a master of escape. In the past, he's gotten out of two high-security prisons and, even more impressive, he once got out of his contract with 24 Hour Fitness.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Today, a jury in New York convicted Mexican drug lord El Chapo, and now he's facing life in prison. I'll have a joke about this after I'm 100 percent sure he's spending his life in prison.

El Chapo's jury took six days to reach a verdict: one day to deliberate, then five days to change their names and move to different states.

Valentine's Day is this Thursday, and I saw that if you go to Hooters, you can shred a photo of your ex and get free wings. It's fun, until you realize you "got back at your ex" by eating alone at Hooters on Valentine's Day.

The "Today" show made a list of Valentine's gift ideas that included a barista kit, a breakfast sandwich machine and a Wi-Fi router. They're the perfect gifts to make someone think you just robbed a Starbucks.

Amazon's Alexa has a special feature called "Be My Valentine," where she'll say sweet things to you. To turn it on, all you have to say is, "Alexa, I'm very, very lonely."

I read that the most popular Valentine's gifts are "experiences," like an outdoor adventure. It sounds fun until you remember that's how EVERY episode of "Dateline" starts.

Auntie Anne's is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. It's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to LaGuardia.

I saw that later this month, Coca-Cola is releasing a new flavor: orange vanilla. It's interesting. It's the first time anyone's combined orange and vanilla since Donald Trump and Mike Pence.

Sen. Ted Cruz says he thinks the Mexican drug lord El Chapo should pay for the wall. Then Americans told Cruz, "We'll pay for the wall if you walk up to El Chapo and say that to his face."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Lady Gaga won a Grammy for a song that was featured in a film that included a scene of her winning a Grammy -- for that song. It's like Lady Gaga-ception.

For those who don't have kids, "Frozen" is a street-legal drug for children that's 10 times as addictive as "Paw Patrol" and gummy worms combined.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A Minnesota woman called authorities this weekend after discovering a horse in her basement. "Officer, thank god, there's a woman in my attic," said the horse.

In an effort to combat low birth rates, the prime minister of Hungary said yesterday that any woman who has four or more children will never have to pay income tax again. Said women: "Hahahahahahaha no."

Amazon announced today that it will launch a dedicated Coachella music festival page on its site where customers can shop for festival needs. That story again, Amazon sells drugs now.

Mattel has launched a more inclusive range of Barbie dolls, including one with a prosthetic leg. Though the bigger news is that the other leg isn't.

A new investigative report claims that Chuck E. Cheese restaurants save uneaten portions of pizzas, combine the leftovers and then serve them to other customers as if it is a new order, which is honestly the best-case scenario at a pizza chain run by a rat.

Today was Valentine's Day: the one day every year that we celebrate the miracle of same-day delivery.

NASA has announced it is declaring its Mars Opportunity rover dead, after the vehicle lost contact eight months ago following a severe dust storm. Its last message to NASA said: "My battery is low and it's getting dark." Which is the same text I send when someone asks to hang out after 5.

El Chapo allegedly made almost $14 billion during his time as the head of his cartel. Wow, $14 billion. So either he's going away for life or he's about to announce he's running in 2020.

Denny's is offering a Valentine's Day promotion allowing customers to get married at its Las Vegas location. And if you want to honeymoon, they'll give you the bathroom key.