Went to a restaurant last night. At the table are my friends Marshall and Heather who are dating and my wife/ex-wife/soon to be ex-wife/whatever Cat.

Cat: Are we doing anything after eating?Me: We can go back to their house and have a wild orgy. I call top.Marshall: I don't know what you're talking about. Heather and I just have a hearty handshake then go to sleep.Me: Fine, it'll just be me and the two women. I'm up to the jobCat: I am not helping you have sex with another woman!Me: So it's just Heather and me then. You two can watch a movie or something. Try to ignore the banging and loud moaning.*Heather is laughing to much to say anything, but she is shaking her head no*Me: Fine, fine. It'll just be me, a google search for 'barely legal pussy', and my hand. Jesus, you guys are boring.Cat: You know, we are still legally married...Heather: From a foursome to masturbation in 20 seconds. Way to go.Me: Don't mind me, I was just trying to see if I could piss off all three of you with just one sentence.Marshall: No, but the waitress overheard you and I don't think she'll be coming back to the table. *Cat hits me*Cat: Dammit Robert, I wanted a refill.

Me: Want to feel my screw?Corey: What?Me: I have screws in my face. Wanna feel one of them?Corey: You have screws... Why?Me: Jaw surgery. Feeeeel! (puts finger to nose area) Put your finger here!(Corey feels my screw, then pulls away kind of freaked out)Corey: Oh! Ew. ... Do you set off the metal detectors? Like at the airport?Me: No. It's medical metal or something. But my X-ray lights up like a christmas tree. You should see my dental record.

(We get into some detailed conversation about magnetism; he tries to convince me to stick a magnet to my face later. At some point I give in)

Corey: You could always ask the bartender [for a magnet].Me: Okay, fine. [Bartender]! Hey, do you have a magnet?(small conversation on how weird a request that is, but she eventually gives us this weird magnet that's the size and shape of a piece of paper)Bartender: Here, just don't break it or anything. I know it's kind of a thin magnet...Corey: That is the weirdest magnet I've ever seen.Me: I think it might be too weak...

(eventually I hold this huge magnet up to my face and look like a total retard)Bartender: Hey what're you doing?? Wait so I can see!

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Ah, similar to the above situation. I'm a bit of a shut in and my roommate who I hardly know convinces me to go to the bar with her. I pound back drinks and I am astounded at how I'm not hammered yet, but then I begin to feel it.

We somehow end up talking about porn sites, then it evolves into shock sites. Somewhere in between blue waffle and some site I'd never heard of that had to do with a jar and a man's asshole, I stand up, slap my hands on the table and say, "Well, I like to get drunk and go home. I'm drunk, so I'm going home."Then I turned around and actually went home. I'd never done anything like that prior to that night.

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Oh! This was right before boot camp. I, Will, and Mark go to this party that doubled as my going away party. I didn't want to get drunk there but they had (of course) spiked the punch. We were all pretty drunk, and near the middle of the night Mark and Will start debating over who's going to be the designated driver (DD) and spend the rest of the night sobering up.

I spent the rest of the night chugging water and when it came time to drive them home I was still drunk, but substantially less drunk than Will. Mark puked out the window the entire trip home and we had to carry him inside of the apartment because he couldn't walk. xP

Friend: My girlfriend has gone over to the dark side...Me: Team Jacob?Friend: Worse. TEAM EDWARD.Me: Derp. Sorry dude. Friend: I WILL NOT PUT GLITTER GEL ON. Me: At least she's not a pedo grandma on Burger King. Friend: Damn Edward and Jacob. Pedophile and a damn cradle robber. >:XMe: Just go disable her car and tell her she can't go out with her friends. THATS HOW YOU TELL WOMEN YOU LOVE THEM. Friend: No, I just gotta kill Robert Patterson. This will fix everything.Me: While you're in Hollywood, could you whack Jack Black too? Me: Oshi.Friend: That's going on facebook dude.Me: DAMN YOU TWILIGHT.

So. Picture this. We're in the boardroom at work having a meeting. I'm running part of the meeting going over a few key points. I get halfway through mine to a bit that my old boss Tim really needs to go over rather than me.

Cal: (blah, blah, blah) and for the next bit it probably be easier if Tim covers it./points emphatically at TimAll the lights in the room suddenly go darkTim speaks in the darknessTim: Point at me again and I'll strike you with lightning this time.

Boss: Where's my new label maker?Me: What's wrong with the old one?Boss: You guys are using it all the time but don't worry, I'll let you use the new one when you're labeling all the cables in the server room.Me: Isn't that a job for the intern?

(Later on in the convo he's looking at the physical inventory we (interns and myself) took of the city's computer equipment. Also the current intern is a pilot when he's not working here.)

Boss: Whats up with all the blanks in the inventory spreadsheet?Me: I didn't do those, it was the intern.Boss: What about these? (points to more blanks)Me: The intern. Man that guy is always up in the clouds! (pilot reference, har har)Boss: Seriously.Me: Who keeps hiring these guys? (him obviously, har har)Boss: Exactly, which is why you're labeling the cables in the server room. You're the responsible one.Me: I hate you.

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Boss: Zack, can I get a printout of our subscriber database?Me: Sure, just a sec../goes to print out the 100+ page subscriber database from "THE BIG COMPUTER"/Boss gets the database and reads over it for about an hourBoss: Hm... Just as I thought. We've been giving hundreds of free subscriptions every year that aren't being paid.Zack: WHAT?! How'd that happen?Boss: Turns out that our last manager decided to not update the database at all. Zack: Good grief. That's like.... Thousands of dollars. Gone.Boss: Which is why it's now your job! [Laughs]Zack: What! I'm already doing the online database, the payroll database and I manage everything we do online! Boss: They're all up to date too. I think you need a promotion and should be managing all our databases. You're the only one here that knows Access Anyway.Zack: That'll teach me to work hard in life!Boss: God Bless America!

This was my conversation about 30 minutes ago, and the story how I now have nearly 15+ databases to manage, as well as all my other responsibilities around the office. Not that I'm complaining, the pay raise and extra hours will be awesome, but it will be nearly a month before I fix everything our last manager fucked up, not to mention the countless akward phone calls saying "Sorry, we now realize you have been mooching off of our mistake, so you're going to have to start paying again" >_>;

[Which, by the way, my resume SHOULD be AWESOME, but why have I been turned down from like 10 different jobs in the last year?]

Tim: Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. WUUUUTANNNGGGGGGGGGRichard: I am nut impressed Cal: Almonderwhelmed by your jokes.Richard: Don’t let me cashew making any more of those jokesCal: Stop pecan on him.Tim: 3 beavers were heading upstream for the winter. One stopped, looked at the other and said: Lets macadamia. Richard: These jokes are getting acorn-ier and acorn-ierCal: I think we’ve hit a walnut with these jokes. (critical mass?)

Seth is returning from a meeting.As he walks past we high-five.Seconds later someone gets a text message, and their tone sounds very similar to the 'level up' sound from FF7Cal: Did you just level up?Seth: I think it was the high-five that did it.

Me: I GOT THE JOB!Buddy: Where at again?Me: Duvall Accounting!Buddy: The really fat guy?Me: Uh... Yeah?Buddy: I swear that guy's a pedophile. Me: WHAT?Buddy: Haven't you seen his bumper sticker?! Me: No, what is it?Buddy: ITS PEDOBEAR!Me: WHAT?Buddy: He's just got a really lame hat on and looks really realistic.Me: ...Me: You mean Smokey the Bear? Buddy: Oh. Well, if you want to get technical.Me: Why do I still talk with you? Buddy: Why are you working with a guy that has Smokey the Bear as a bumper sticker?Me: Touche'Buddy: I always win these things.Me: LIEZBuddy: Did I mention I'm going to glitter something to appease my Twilight girlfriend?- CodeZTM has logged out

Wouldn't really call this a conversation but i thought it was pretty funny...

My coworker is going to be on maternity leave for 3 months starting early September. We are understaffed as is so this is going to be a difficult time for the office and the rest of the city. So, today, while she's in a meeting with the boss, the Public Works Director submitted a help desk ticket asking if we can postpone her pregnancy for 6 months until we finish these high profile projects that are going on or starting while she's away. We all had a good laugh, hahaha.

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Jesse [11:25 AM]: send me some of your luckFriend [11:25 AM]: i cant i store it in my dickJesse [11:26 AM]: so if i sleep with someone you slept with i get third hand luck? and syphilisFriend [11:26 AM]: pretty much

A girl I haven't spoken to in 5 years just called me up drunk to ask if I was going to our High School reunion... 3 years from now.

Her: Hey I haven't talked to you in forever! Are you going to the reunion?Me: It's 2010... Her: I know, but I don't want to be the only one going.Me: Are you drunk?Her: Yeah! Tomorrows my birthday.Me: Happy BirthdayHer: Thank you! Remember that time in High School when you punched me in the face? Me: Yeah, sorry about that.Her: It's okay... Hey! Guess what tomorrow is? Me: :/