The ideas shared in this article are based on the absolutely essential foundation of SAFETY -verbal, emotional, and physical SAFETY.

If you are in a relationship that is in any way abusive, please seek help. If you don’t know where to seek help, contact me and I will help you find resources. If you are at risk of engaging in sexual behaviors which may cause harm to others or yourself, please seek help. If any of the ideas in the article bring up disturbing feelings, or if you are suffering from an untreated disorder, please seek the help of a skilled and credentialed psychotherapist/psychiatrist immediately.

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Let’s be direct: What turns you on most in sex?

The answer to this question may not fit how we see ourselves, or how we want others to see us. For example, people who are sensitive to human rights issues and equality of all people might fantasize about being sexually submissive, yet feel embarrassed and confused by that desire. Or we might fantasize about being sexually dominant, but fear that means we are potential boundary violating perpetrators.

How about if you feel curious about your fantasies instead of judgmental? Erotic sparks can be a doorway into a deeper experience of Self and help us to get to know parts of ourselves we don’t understand or want to acknowledge.

Do you know people who were taught how to naturally and healthily manage evocative sexual fantasies in a creative, celebratory, non-destructive way? I can count the number of such people I know on one hand.

We tend to judge our most colorful desires as odd, embarrassing, and even perverted.

In the 1990s, part of my doctoral dissertation was to ask women about their sexual fantasies. Women had a lot to say, once they put aside embarrassment and fear of judgment.

A theater director, David Schecter, has an interesting spin on the word ‘perverse’. Technically, it means ‘through poetry”‘ As he says, ‘when we explore our wild side, we play in a landscape of sexual poetry; a world of inner symbolism which may never make conscious sense but which still feels gratifying and meaningful’. Mmmmm. Landscape of poetry….that is a very different perspective.

Embracing your sexual wild side may feel daunting. Maybe you worry about distinguishing between behaviors that are harmful to yourself or to your partner, and those that are poetic, a la “per-verse”.

So, stop reading and take a moment to think about the kinds of sex that excites you most. What scenes, if any, in 50 Shades of Grey, excited you? Which behaviors, words, body parts, outfits cause the stirring of desire?

Allow yourself the freedom of play in your reflections.

Notice if and when you feel uncomfortable during this time of reflection. If your fantasies are too disturbing, seek the support of a credentialed psychologist. If your fantasies feel embarrassing, or surprising, perhaps just notice if you can imagine embracing them.

Whatever your fantasies are, there are others who share the same turn-ons. Everyday, people in my office say variations of “do other people really feel this, say this, report this too”? Yep!

Remember that your partner/future partner has hidden desires of his or her own! Honoring your own deeper turn-ons, including ones you have been shy about exploring, can enrich your entire experience of your sense of Self.