DIAL X FOR EXIT

It can’t have escaped your notice that the UK has recently been rocked to its core by the shocking inadequacies of a number of high-profile elites, who – in their astounding arrogance and efforts to pursue their own selfish career advancement without even a passing consideration for millions of others – have brought this place to its knees. But that’s enough about Top Gear and the England football team, there’s also been a story brewing in British politics.

For, after more than 40 years, the British public have voted to leave its place in Europe. Which on the plus side, means we can now fulfil a long-standing manifesto pledge from the Monster Raving Looney Party and tow Britain to the position of the South of France. (And if you lived somewhere you only know it’s summer by looking at the calendar, you’d be cheering too).

On the slightly less plus side (you won’t find any negativity from me in this column), the country has not only shot itself in the foot, the backside, the other foot and the head, it’s also pulled the rug out from underneath it and driven itself into a brick wall with one of the last batch of imported red, white or blue Fiat 500s we’ll ever see. (Bloody Italian cars, coming over here and driving around in our colours…)

What swung the result? Turkeys. Turkey joining in the EU on 12th of Never 2099, turkeys leading the Leave campaign (who subsequently, on winning, have all disappeared, having stuffed their political careers with a result they didn’t want and didn’t expect), and 17m turkeys in the British electorate, who believed the gobbledegook the turkey elites painted on the side of a bus. (£350m a week to the NHS! Vote for Christmas!)

David Cameron (remember him?) has been roundly criticised for holding the referendum in the first place but, as he argues, it’s a matter of democracy, and who better to know about that than a Prime Minister who has been governing a country in which 75% of those who expressed a preference at the last General Election preferred to express their vote for anyone but the Tories. Thus his mandate (we’re shortly to have a womandate, but more about that in another post) is so small, it befits belonging to a man who has virtually nothing to offer any date, unless we’re talking column inches. On the other hand (not sure which hand that is, but it’s certainly not the one on the left), this paves the way for more questions to be posed to the British public in the name of demos, for instance:-

Should Poles be repatriated because they’re magnetic?

2. Should magnets be expelled because they’re attractive?

3. Should hanging be mandatory for Guardian readers?

These are the questions consuming anyone who is concerned about sovereignty. Accordingly, we’ve taken our country back: straight back to the 1960s, where racism and sexism did a brisk trade, and xenophobia (the fear of Buddhists) was mandatory. (NB: It was Enoch Powell who inserted the ‘Tory’ into ‘mandatory’ with his ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech in 1968, which almost seems as if it’s tomorrow).

Anyway, for those of you interested in the stats, but too afraid to ask as you’re packing your bags to emigrate, here’s a handy explanation:-

The turnout was 71.8%, with 53.4% voting to turnout, while 46.6% voted to turn in. 1.1 million people were subsequently found to regret their Leave vote, saying they didn’t realise their vote would count (true), they didn’t think Britain would vote to leave (true), and they hadn’t yet got up to X in the alphabet (likely). Cornwall, which voted decisively against staying in, neatly added a P.S. to the result, pleading to continue to receive the millions in EU funding it’s enjoyed for years. (I don’t know what they’re putting in the pasties, but I suspect it’s Pastis). Protests by the Remain camp were immediately convened to persuade those in power to disregard this non-binding referendum, with the call growing louder for a Brexit Exit. Which is hardly sporting at all, considering the pound is now the worst-performing currency in the world, billions of pounds of investment have disappeared overnight, global companies are fleeing the UK to pastures new, and science, sport and the arts are, without EU funding, withering on the British vine – all of which is ushering in a long, punishing recession. So what’s not to like?

Summary

Brexit Negatives: People are poorer, the British Isles is breaking up, we’ll still be paying enormous amounts to the EU – even though scientific research is dead, TV and film are dead – and the British passport is now a passport to nowhere.

Brexit Positives: We can now legally buy bananas by the pound, even though imports of bananas will be curtailed since they’re far too bendy, and anyway, the pound has gone bananas.*

* Shortly to be known as ‘the pound has gone Bramley apples’.

P.S. Don’t forget to order my new book on how the British political class reflects the people it serves: Dummies for Dummies, only£796.99 (that’s €4 to you).