11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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The Trenches

April 14, 2013

I've heard different terms. "The trenches." "Infertility hell." Basically anything that you would want to escape from and wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

When my SIL got pregnant with 2nd child (she had struggled with a bit of infertility) she said, "Sorry I'm leaving the team." It's weird because that makes perfect sense. Once an infertile mommy sees the beautiful "pregnant" term on the test, the gates of hell open, the trenches spit you out, you leave the team. The people left in the trenches and in the hell are filled with a variety of emotions:

1. Hope. It happened to them, it can happen to me.

2. Jealousy. Why wasn't it me?

3. Anger/sadness. Why them for reals? Why did they get out sooner? Why did you answer their prayers while I've been praying the same thing. It's not fair!

5. Acceptance. Remind myself I'm happy for them. I'm sad for me. And choose to get rid of emotions #2-4.

6. Repeat #5 many many many times.

When I got my positive pregnancy test on the first IVF, it was insane. In that magical second I felt a heavy weight lift. I heard the gates open. I saw light from the trenches. It felt amazing. Free. Even in that moment I was filled with faith to pray and hope more than ever for the friends left behind. I had to go back too soon.

My husband was frustrated with me last night because I was in a bit of a slump. "We ovulated, we timed sex right" he reminded me, "you were so happy for that." And I was/am. But then the realistic history of 2 years of failed attempts, low counts, failed IVFs come laughing in my mind and I can't help but feel a bit defeated. I worry it will never happen. What happens if next IVF and FET fail? What happens if I miscarry again? What happens if I don't respond well to meds? My pastor says "Worrying is planning negatively for the future." I like that. I try to remember it. But my crazy brain is always on. Always hoping, questioning, worrying. I'm not "depressed" but I feel like a HUGE piece of my heart is missing.

If you have or are dealing with infertility I'm sure you get this. Good days. Bad days. Today I can feel the flames in infertility hell. I'm deep in the trenches. And I really really want out.

I don't think you ever leave the team. Infertility is not a scar that closes easily. Sometimes you just become the cheerleader from the benches instead of an active player, but infertility stays on our hearts and minds. You'll have your season on the benches too, as I'm having now, but someday we'll be back and fighting for the next babe... because they're worth it. :)

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)