Pages

Monday, August 20, 2012

Missouri Congressman Baffled That His Brain Doesn't Secrete Substance That Makes Him Shut the Hell Up

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin (R) released a statement today expressing his sincere confusion in regards to the inner workings of the human brain.

Akin, who angered many Americans this past weekend when he said that the female body is unable to conceive a child when legitimately raped, expressed genuine concern about his remarks.

"For me to state that a woman's body shuts down all reproductive processes when being raped was both troubling and confusing," Akin said. "The fact that my brain did not secrete some sort of chemical to prevent these words from audibly exiting my face is extremely disconcerting."

Akin, a 65-year-old U.S. Representative challenging Democrat Claire McCaskill for her seat in the U.S. Senate this November, asked for privacy during this difficult time.

"While I acknowledge that I must remain in the public eye to proceed with my candidacy for the United States Senate, I ask that the media, my colleagues, and my constituents respect my privacy as I try to make sense of this troubling event," Akin stated. "I can't possibly describe what it feels like to have my brain betray me in such an intimate, personal way, but I'm sure there is nothing worse in this world. I don't know if I'll ever again be able to trust my own thoughts. I feel violated, exposed, and vulnerable."

Akin concluded the press release by stating that for the next several weeks he would fake laryngitis while on the campaign trail in hopes of learning to be comfortable with the idea of speaking out loud again.