Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Anthony Scaramucci has resigned from his post as White House
Communications Director. Unfortunately, the only way he could communicate was
by lacing all his comments with four-letter words.

Anthony Scaramucci has resigned from his post as White House
Communications Director, to which Donald Trump says there is no White House
chaos. Meaning chaos would be a step up in improvement over the way things are
going now.

Anthony Scaramucci has resigned from his post as White House
Communications Director. That is the third person to resign that position in
six months, showing that Donald Trump is keeping his promise of creating new
jobs.

Anthony Scaramucci has resigned from his post as White House
Communications Director. In the past ten days, he has been hired, fired, had a
child and was served with divorce papers. Even Anthony Weiner is telling this
guy to slow down.

A federal judge has ordered a review of airline seat sizes.
It’s going to be tough for the airlines to make a case about their shrinking
legroom to a person who spends their entire working day on a bench.

A federal judge has ordered a review of airline seat sizes.
After that is done, how about working on fares, customer service and on-time
performance?

Thieves stole $590,000 worth of iPhones from a Dutch truck
while it was moving. Apparently the driver had no idea what was going on as he
was distracted using one of the iPhones to text behind the wheel.

Bible studies have been taking place recently at the White
House. At issue is getting workers there to obey the 11th
Commandment, “Thou shalt not leak.”

Bible studies have
been taking place recently at the White House. Which is interesting as in just
ten days, Anthony Scaramucci already broke six of the Ten Commandments.

A report says many Americans are too drugged out to work.
Mostly the people who are taking street drugs to help with their depression
about losing their healthcare prescription plan.

Studies say that more young people feel entitled. Mostly
because they know in this economy and job market, the only way they will ever
survive is with the help they get from government entitlements.

China called Donald Trump a “spoiled child” for his comments
about North Korea. Apparently they are also becoming annoyed at being awakened
every day at 5:00 in the morning for his latest Twitter rant.

A sewer discharge at Niagara Falls alarmed local businesses
and tourists. But only on the Canadian side. The American side feels anything
that isn’t to the level of Love Canal is a day at the park.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk admits he is bipolar. But then who
better to make electric cars where it’s necessary to understand having both
positive and negative charges.

Scientists are worried that an epidemic of gonorrhea is
being driven by oral sex. It’s getting so bad, the 1970s porn movie “Deep
Throat” may be remade as a horror film.

Former Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio has been
found guilty of criminal contempt. He could be jailed up to six months, the
only question being will be me made to serve his time wearing pink underwear in
a 120 degree cell?

Uber says it will issue its own credit card. It’s for people
who don’t have a car or real job and just can’t meet the strict qualifications
over at Discover.

Construction will cause partial closings of the 405 Freeway
in L.A. the next three weeks. Which most people are hoping they can avoid those
closings by actually being able to get off the freeway before then.

A study says Internet searches for “suicide” increased after
the premier of the Netflix show “13 Reasons Why.” The only time a show caused more
searches for suicide was the people who actually sat through a whole episode of
“2 Broke Girls.”

Melania Trump is being credited with helping spark a tourist
boom to her home country of Slovenia. Mostly from the U.S. where so far in 2017
they have already doubled the previous year’s tourist total of three.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is claiming victory in
what critics are calling a “sham” election that is an “assault on democracy.”
To which Donald Trump immediately issued sanctions on the country, saying he
thought of it first.

GM has hired hackers who were able to break into a Jeep and
operate it remotely. Mostly because GM feels if they can actually get a
Chrysler product to start, they can do pretty much anything.

Amazon says it will be hiring 50,000 workers in the U.S.
Which works out well for CEO Jeff Bezos as he will have even more minimum wage
workers who can only afford to buy the cheap crap they sell on Amazon.

A report says most automakers are slow to fix dangerous
airbags. Mostly because after looking at the size of most Americans, they
figure they have more protection around their midsection than they will ever
get from any airbag.

Lyft has reportedly already provided more rides in 2017
through June than in all of last year. Mostly from the people who want to get
where they are going but are not adventurous to see what might happen if they
try to get there using Uber.

A study says most people who misuse opioids don’t have a
prescription. Mostly because they are on painkillers to help them cope with
Donald Trump trying to take away their healthcare plan.

A study says the odds of mental decline are higher for
people born in the Southeast U.S. even if they move to another region. Which shows
you can take people out of the Stroke Belt, but you can’t take the Stroke Belt
out of the people.

A study says it is safe for heart failure patients to take
aspirin. Not for their heart condition but for the headaches they suffer when
they get their cardiologist’s bill.

A study says it is safe for heart failure patients to take
aspirin. Mostly because when your heart is about ready to give out how much
harm can it be to do pretty much anything?

U.S. hospitals set a record for fast care for heart attack
patients, with 93% having their arteries opened within 90 minutes.
Unfortunately, with the other 7% it takes longer because they can’t find any of
their arteries through all the fat.

U.S. hospitals set a record for fast care for heart attack
patients, with 93% having their arteries opened within 90 minutes. Which is
great news for people who suffer a heart attack and can be back at McDonald’s
before their lunch break is over.

A watchdog group says the Cheesecake Factory’s pasta and
pizza hybrid dinner is the most unhealthy restaurant meal at 2,300 calories. It
is so full of fat that diners are told they should set their GPS in their car
when they leave for the nearest ER.

A watchdog group says the Cheesecake Factory’s pasta and
pizza hybrid dinner is the most unhealthy restaurant meal at 2,300 calories. It
is served with spaghetti, cream sauce, four types of meat and a defibrillator.

A study says parents, teachers and caregivers are slow to
use EpiPens on children having allergic reactions. Mostly because they are
afraid of overmedicating, reacting to a false alarm and having to replace a
$600 device over nothing.

Studies say the Earth will warm two degrees by the end of
the century. Which means we will have to deal with 83 more years of Al Gore
saying “I told you so!”

A study says people living with an ocean view feel more calm
than those who don’t. Mostly because they have the satisfaction of knowing they
have enough money to afford a home with an ocean view.

Louisville has dismissed lineman Chris Williams for
violating unspecified team rules. Although in his defense it’s hard to obey
team rules when they can’t even specify what they are.

The Buccaneers Caleb Benenoch and Lions A’Shawn Robinson are
being sued over a $9,332 club bill after their credit cards were declined. The
question is how does a club allow people to run up a $9,000 tab without
checking their cards first?

The Buccaneers Caleb Benenoch and Lions A’Shawn Robinson are
being sued over a $9,332 club bill after their credit cards were declined. The
players said they had no idea the club wouldn’t accept a card from their Sears
revolving credit account.

Rory McIlroy has fired his long time caddie J.P.Fitzgerald.
Apparently McIlroy is hoping for the same results when he won two straight major
championships in 2014 right after he fired Caroline Wozniacki.

Adidas admits it made a mistake in replacing a woman referee
at game to appease LaVar Ball. The good news for Adidas is that they didn’t
make a bigger mistake by offering a shoe contract to his kids and go through
years of having to deal with him.

Adidas admits it made a mistake in replacing a woman referee
at game to appease LaVar Ball. Although apparently they were more interested in
not delaying the game for another three hours while he argued about it.

L.A. has agreed to host the 2028 Olympics after Paris won
the 2024 Games. The biggest difference for the athletes will be going back to a
venue that actually has locker rooms with showers and soap.

The Houston Rockets GM says James Harden not winning the MVP
means the NBA might be better off not giving awards. Which might not be the
case if it hadn’t been 23 years since his team had won a trophy for the NBA
Championship themselves.

UCF kicker Donald De La Haye has been ruled ineligible to
play after taking money for YouTube videos. He should learn the only way to
legally take money in college is under the table payments from the alumni
association.

UCF kicker Donald De La Haye has been ruled ineligible to
play after taking money for YouTube videos. Coaches were upset he couldn’t be
like other players and be declared ineligible for failing all his classes.

Roger Goodell says teams transition, they don’t tank to get
higher draft choices in referring to the Jets poor play last year. Which would
be easier to buy if the Jets hadn’t been pretty much in “transition” ever since
1969.

Roger Goodell says teams transition, they don’t tank to get
higher draft choices in referring to the Jets poor play last year. Which is a
nice way of saying that some teams just always manage to suck.

A privacy group wants the FTC to probe Google’s algorithm to
track people shopping in stores. Which is a real issue for the three people who
still don’t just buy everything online.

A survey says 72% of Americans think people who speak
multiple languages are more attractive. The other 28% are people who voted for
Donald Trump.

Arcade Fire claims it has put their latest album on a $109
fidget spinner. The only question is whether Arcade Fire becomes obsolete
faster than the fidget spinner.

Former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick says he wants to come back
to Uber at some point Steve Jobs style. Although at this point the only way he
will make it back into Uber is if he drives around town in a Prius.

Californians are being urged to save energy on August 21st,
the day of the solar eclipse. Although they can still make up for the loss of
renewable energy they use that day by simultaneously blowing in the direction
of the nearest wind farm.

Researchers say it’s easy to expose users’ secret web
habits. Although how much of a secret is it to know when on the Internet, women
are shopping and men are looking at porn.

Chris Christie has reportedly pleaded with Donald Trump to
declare the opioid crisis a national public health emergency. Although after
looking at Christie, Trump might decide to instead make that same declaration
for nachos.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now August,
which means it is only a matter of time before we all go to the mall and are
greeted by the decorations and sales to welcome the Christmas season. Although
the malls are taking a beating during Christmas because of all the people who
now feel it is better to say how much they love someone by showering them with
the cheap crap they can buy on Amazon without getting up off their large
backside and actually have to drive a few miles before walking around through
crowded shops. Call me sentimental. But I am just old fashioned, like how I
still get that special feeling when all of you take the time to remember to
always keep on sending the love!