Gary Brown: What is reality TV?

Wednesday

Apr 30, 2008 at 12:01 AMApr 30, 2008 at 5:03 AM

Drinking blended-bug cocktails as a competitive sport, running obstacle courses on a deserted island, living for longer than "hello" with a house full of rude strangers, and picking a life partner in front of millions of TV viewers is not "reality" for most of us.

Gary Brown

Drinking blended-bug cocktails as a competitive sport, running obstacle courses on a deserted island, living for longer than "hello" with a house full of rude strangers, and picking a life partner in front of millions of TV viewers is not "reality" for most of us.

I'm not sure a lot of us would have time for that kind of reality. How long does the typical reality show last, and who gets much more than a month of vacation? Besides, we've all got gigs with friends and relatives.

"I know a million dollars is a lot of money, but could we 'survive' someplace closer? I have to get my son to baseball practice by 6, and my daughter is in a school play this weekend ... "

With those kind of obligations in mind, I've come up with a few reality shows that might hit closer to home.

- "Family Chef" It's sort of like "Iron Chef" without any other chefs in the kitchen. There's just one mom, who must make a meal while being peppered with such questions as "What's for dinner?" "When's dinner?" "Who's turn is it to set the table, Mom?" and "Mother! That's steak! Don't you remember I told you that today I'm a vegetarian? ... "

- "Back Yard Survivor" In episode one, dad mows the grass. In episode two, his challenge is trimming the shrubs. He mulches through most of episode three and wastes much of episode four getting weeds out of the brick walkways. By episode five and six, he's mowing the yard again, putting down fertilizer, planting flowers, and edging the driveway. In episodes seven and eight he paints the house.

Episode nine begins with dad getting gardening tools out of the garage and mumbling, "I'd like to know what happened to the rest of the tribe ..."

- "Dancing With the Wedding Guests" No stars. No celebrities. No judges. No viewers calling to cast votes. There's just a bride and a groom and a line of people with a buck in their hand.

- "Big and Little Brothers" It's a combination of the "Big Brother" voyeurism program and the "Moment of Truth" show where you can't win the money if you lie but you ruin your relationships if you tell the truth.

Siblings are promised by their parents that they'll get double their allowance if they behave for one just one blessed night. When they are sent to bed, parents sit there listening for a racket. When the noise upstairs begins, father confronts his sons, and asks, "OK, who started it this time?"

The brothers point at each other. After the dad says, "This better be the last time I have to come up here," the show goes on.

Well, that's the lineup. I don't know how entertained you'd be by these reality shows, but you'd likely recognize them.

I've got other ideas. "Coincidental Calls," a "Candid Camera" kind of show during which the phone rings every time a contestant starts to take a shower or begins vacuuming. Or maybe "Athletic Idol," during which pairs of jersey-wearing contestants sit on a couch watching their favorite sports teams compete until one guy's team loses, he gets mad and he goes home.