Virgin Territory

Every purchase you make through these Amazon links supports DVD Verdict's reviewing efforts. Thank you!

All Rise...

Judge Christopher Kulik has never entered virgin territory, though he once corrupted the morals of a hooker.

The Charge

Not all virgins are angels…and not all angels are virgins.

Opening Statement

What aspires to be a raucous, randy romp instead turns into a direct-to-DVD
debacle. Filmed in 2005, and never making it to U.S. theaters, Virgin
Territory is finally released in America, courtesy of Anchor Bay.

Facts of the Case

The city of Florence is at the mercy of the Black Plague. Casanova-like lover
Lorenzo de Lamberti (Hayden Christensen, Jumper) pisses off nobleman Gerbino (Tim
Roth, The Incredible
Hulk), forcing him to flee to the countryside. After Lorenzo falls out of a
tree, he's rescued by a group of angels who believe him to be a deaf-and-dumb
angel. Turned on by Lorenzo's attractive aura, the nuns become horny and wish to
make love with him every chance they get.

Meanwhile, a group of young twentysomethings are escaping into the woods
before getting married. One of them is Pampinea Anastagi (Mischa Barton, The
O.C.), who wishes to marry to a Russian count (Matthew Rhys, The Edge Of Love), but her late father's
debt is forcing her to wed the slimy Gerbino. After Lorenzo gets kicked out of
the covenant, he dares to rescue Pampinea, who has been his lifelong crush.

The Evidence

Ostensibly based on Boccaccio's The Decameron, Virgin Territory
suffers from a major identity crisis. Despite its playful attitude, it's not a
comedy. There are a few laughs, but they don't feel intentional. Other scenes
have a silly, sexual tone to them which would feel more at home in soft-core
porn. There is no attempt at romantic comedy, and the serious notes are rather
embarrassing. With no specific tone to speak of, the whole project feels like a
medieval version of The Real World, sans exploitation.

I'm not exactly sure what writer/director David Leland (Mona Lisa, Personal Services, Wish
You Were Here) was thinking when he conjured up this calamity. The film
fails to be funny, sexy, romantic, or witty. There's an awkward narration by a
church fellow (which has nothing to do with the central story) that feels like a
tacked-on afterthought. Worst of all, none of Leland's characters are remotely
interesting, nor have any recognizable layers or goals, other than getting laid
or protecting their virginity. In short, the narrative is a head-scratching,
incomprehensible mess.

Those looking for some juicy T&A are advised to look elsewhere. Some of
the female actors do get naked, but the film comes off as a giant tease. It's
like watching Woody Allen's A Midsummer
Night's Sex Comedy without the sex or the comedy. But, if two girls
stimulating cow udders sounds appealing to you, by all means go for it.

Filmed on location in Tuscany and Lazio, cinematographer Ben Davis (Layer Cake) has a keen eye for local
color and detail. Much of the outdoor scenes are lovely in terms of the
backdrops, even though it doesn't divert your attention much from the tiresome
cast shenanigans. If anything, it's several steps above the Barbarian Queen and
Deathstalker films of the 1980s.

Probably the most grating aspect of Virgin Territory is the music.
I'm willing to forgive Ilan Eshkeri for his mediocre score, but the songs
(courtesy of Ali Leland) uncomfortably consist of postmodern rock and rap
medleys. Here again, this MTV vibe is not only misplaced but ill-conceived,
turning an attractive period piece into a flash-and-trash spectacle with the
juvenile mentality of Hannah Montana.

The cast is a mysterious hybrid of stage actors, former B-list stars, and a
group of young angels who look like Melrose Place rejects. Christensen
has the looks and the smile, but is ultimately miscast as the deflowering
stallion, making one yearn for Cary Elwes in his prime. The usually flamboyant
Tim Roth is woefully wasted, and even a cameo by David Williams (of Little
Britain fame) is not as delightful as it should be. The worst of the lot is
Mischa Barton, who looks way too contemporary as a 16th-century lady; she
reminds one of the "historical babes" from the Bill & Ted
films.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Anchor Bay's digital treatment of this forgettable excursion is better than
expected. The 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen print is quite clean, with very
little grain or scratches to spare. Colors are warm, black levels are solid, and
no edge enhancement was detected. Audio comes off better with a Dolby Digital
5.1 Surround track, even if the music is an ordeal to listen to. English
subtitles are provided.

As far as extras, we have a 12-minute "making-of" (see:
promotional piece) with the standard set of interviews and footage of the crew.
It's not particularly insightful. We also have three minutes of mostly
incongruous "sexual" footage which might have been cut to avoid an
NC-17 rating. An additional deleted scene showcasing more of David Williams is
also included, as well as a costume design gallery (the best extra) and a
trailer. Anchor Bay may have given more respect to Virgin Territory than
most studios would, but the extras are not as nourishing as I hoped.