And that’s the thing. I’m here to get you the news you didn’t even know was news. The news so fake you couldn’t even think that someone had the ability to come up with this stuff. But they did. Because they’re weird. And the only thing they’re really good at is being weird and making fun of stuff.

But What the Conspiracy?! needs your help. The person who researches and reveals all the conspiracies (aka me) needs money to continue doing such things.

What will the money be used for?

Upgrade The Website to be SEO Friendly ($200 a year)

Market the Website to Like-minded Individuals ($1,000,000,000 aka As much as I can get)

Upgrade video and editing equipment ($3,000+)

What are What the Conspiracy?!’s goals?

To get the REAL FAKE NEWS out to as many people as possible

To publish at least one new story + video a week

To continue digging deeper into the real fake truth

To see an alien at least once

To get the real illuminati to stand up

To be The Onion of Conspiracy Theories

Yes. I know many of you think that someone writing the real fake news on the internet probably lives in his basement with his mommy. But, the only truth that is the actual truth on What the Conspiracy is that I am actually a woman, a woman with two boobs. And I live in a house. With roommates (who also have boobs). I want to continue living in this house with my two boobs and my two roommates with boobs and not have to turn into a fat turd of a dude and move into my parent’s basement. So please, if you want to see the real fake news continue, donate to the cause today.

What is real? For real though?

Could this website, What the Conspiracy?!, a website dedicated to exposing the TRUTH about our society and all of the FAKE NEWS in it, actually be THE FAKE NEWS?

In a recent turn of events the founder of What the Conspiracy is seriously starting to question if all of the thoughts, research, and discoveries on this website have actually just been made up the entire time.

What is real? What the Conspiracy knows that conspiracies are really just opinions that have not been made popular yet. The Flat Earthers are popular enough by this point in time for these people to claim that to them the earth is indeed flat and for the rest of us to suggest they all go walk off the edge of it. The Illuminati is popular enough that Google always knows when we spell it wrong and automatically corrects it. It’s probably the Illuminati that runs google anyway. That’s a conspiracy theory that the staff at What the Conspiracy has yet to look into, but probably should except the staff at What the Conspiracy is going through a sort of existential crisis and no one here knows who they are anymore.

Could the staff at What the Conspiracy have been brainwashed by some sort of powerful alien species. Perhaps these aliens came in and whispered “self-doubt” into the What the Conspiracy staff members ears and now everyone here is confused and can’t tell the TRUTH from the LIES.

We have already had our run-ins with conspiracy theory issues in the past. Like the time when the founder of What the Conspiracy was abducted for almost an entire year by members of the Cloud Industrial Complex and thrown into that tornado only to make it out with a warning never to discuss the true facts about the clouds, the water, the ice and everything connected to it all every again. We’re technically not even supposed to write “The Cloud Industrial Complex,” on this website anymore, but since we’re not actually writing about what they do and we’re not even saying they exist (even though they clearly do, considering) and we really are just writing the words, ‘The Cloud Industrial Complex,’ we really do not think anyone at What the Conspiracy will get hurt again.

Unless this is all just a set up by whichever alien species came into our office and brainwashed us into writing this article about What the Conspiracy not even being real.

The truth of the matter is that there is no ‘office,’ and the ‘we’ that ‘we’ always speak of here at What the Conspiracy is just one person. A woman if you can believe that. With boobs and everything. Though one time a guy (with very nice arms, mind you) did help her discover the Tom Brady / inner earth alien conspiracy because the woman with boobs doesn’t really follow football or sports of any kind.

Yet, she did look into it more and it seemed legit. Now though, she’s questioning if maybe the guy with very nice arms was distracting her with his nice arms in order to pull one over on her and Tom Brady isn’t an inner earth alien at all but just a dude-bro with ugly shoes.

Regardless of what is real and what is fake, what is a conspiracy theory and what is a factual theory. Regardless of whether this is a one woman-two boob show or if there is an entire team of freaks and weirdos here, What the Conspiracy will always work to learn more and to tell you all about that it finds even if what it finds could damage its own image, name, brand. Because What the Conspiracy is here. And it’s all we, she, whomever really knows how to do.

Big Pharma, Valentine’s Day, LOVE

For decades people have complained about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day. Many conspiracy theorists and angsty teenagers have made claims that the holiday was created as a way for Hallmark to make money.

But what if Hallmark has always been just a scapegoat?

Do people really think Hallmark is making that much bank selling thick paper that folds in half with sappy writings on it?

Please.

Sure, maybe the chocolate and flower companies are making an extra mil or two, but even that’s nothing in comparison to the true culprit behind this holiday.

Take a moment and really think about who could benefit from a massive celebration of love.

It could only be one thing.

That’s right. Big Pharma.

What The Conspiracy has uncovered the truth!

When people express their love they have sex.

Some people are responsible and use birth control. According to the CDC, 62% of women of reproductive age are currently using contraception (and this was a study in 2012, mind you). 28% of those women are on the pill. That’s 10.6 million women on the pill. If it costs women between $160-$600 every year that means Big Pharma makes a ridiculous amount of money from that alone.

But it’s not that alone.

If 62% of women of reproductive age use contraception that means 38% do not. You know how Big Pharma makes the most money? From people.

If people express their love with sex on a holiday that was designed specifically for people to do just that, that means that there’s a pretty good chance that a bunch of heterosexual women are going to end up pregnant, which means, there will be even more people in the world who can be convinced they need to take Big Pharma pills.

Love = Sex = More People.

More People = More Pills = More Money.

Greeting cards?

Please.

This is not about greeting cards.

The greeting cards, the chocolate, the wine, the dinner reservations, these are all just elements that go into a much bigger conspiracy.

Big Pharma wants you to “fall in love,” because they want you to have sex and they want you to have babies that will then need Prozac because they have to live with you (and you’ll need it if you’re living with a baby).

So, Big Pharma is the one who has been behind Valentine’s Day all along (maybe not ALL along, but since it became popular again in mainstream culture).

Also, Rom-Coms and the Kardashians. Because when there’s an impossible standard for both love and beauty most people make themselves sick over it until they need medication to overcome the trauma of not being good enough.

Many conspiracy theorists out there claim that the Flu Shot is another way Big Pharma manipulates and controls us. There are people who believe that the Flu Shot is filled with more than just a vaccine to prevent the so-called “virus” influenza, that the Flu Shot also contains elements that keep humans docile. These conspiracy theorists are wrong. They only think that because the people getting the flu shot are typically middle to upper class white basic bitches and chads, people who have always conformed because that’s all they know how to do.

The truth of the matter is that Influenza is itself an actual alien.

It feeds off the minor miseries and slight sufferings of people.

The influenza alien lives for three days to two weeks within one host, making the host experience the feeling any host feels when someone tries to take over its body (headaches, chills, fatigue etc). The influenza alien reproduces when the host’s bodily fluids mix with the next host’s bodily fluids (often in the form of spit).

The influenza alien does not like to live within one host for too long, it gets bored; that’s why it typically jumps overboard to the next one, spreading itself around, enjoying its time making humans feel like shit.

One conspiracy theorist we talked to claims that the Illuminati sent the influenza alien here as a test to see if humans could handle living on other planets with other aliens who could potentially be fatal to us–turns out we can’t. At least not very well.

Another conspiracy theorist thinks that the influenza alien snuck on a spaceship when the Tall Whites stopped at a filling station on their way to planet Earth.

“Well, I wouldn’t say the influenza alien ‘snuck on’ so much as got stuck to the bottom of one of the Tall White’s foot while he was like, in the restroom or whatever. Sort of like when we step in a piece of gum and carry it with us for the rest of the time we have the shoes and little strands of the gum dry and fall off. Kind of like that.” -anonymous conspiracy theorist source mumbled over the phone.

The main reason the influenza alien has been able to live on this planet for so long as an alien is because people can’t grasp the idea that an alien doesn’t have to look like a tall big-headed bald dude with big fly-eyes, that something not from this planet could actually be very tiny, not seen by human eye, it may in fact be many parts that make us a whole, it may even disguise itself as a virus to continue to go on living in its hosts.

What better camouflage than pretending to be something you’re not in order to not get killed? It’s brilliant really, scientists will keep trying to figure out how to destroy the virus when really they should be focusing on how to kill the alien. Some may be yelling right now, “what’s the difference?!” And we’d say to them that the difference is in the word choice, and the words that are chosen mean different things.

If you have the influenza alien inside of you, the only thing you can really do is hide in your bed for three days to two weeks until it goes away–and of course, drink plenty of fluids–the influenza alien has been known to hate orange juice and the blue color of Gatorade.

Since the 1800s, Groundhog Day has been a North American tradition. Every year on February 2 a Groundhog comes out of its hole after a long winter sleep and looks for its shadow. If the groundhog sees its shadow it decides to return to its nice comfortable bed for the next six weeks because winter isn’t quite over; if it doesn’t see its shadow that means spring is on the way and it’s time to get out of bed and experience the beauty of the natural world.

But, a recent conspiracy theory suggests that for the past year, ever since President (and Illuminati member) Donald Trump was elected office, the groundhogs have been experiencing major to severe clinical depression.

Though the groundhogs know they’re supposed to get out of their hole, all of them have elected to just pass by the entire year and stay deep in their dark holes aka in their beds regardless of whether spring comes or not.

Conspiracy theorists are suggesting that if you’re at one of the hundreds of Groundhog Day celebrations across the country, whether it’s the largest Groundhog Day celebration held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where crowds as large as 40,000 gather each year or one of the smaller small town Groundhog day events, those groundhogs you see are not real.

That’s right. The groundhog that you see, is no groundhog at all.

Since all the groundhogs are too depressed to get out of their holes to see if it’s winter or spring, as it doesn’t matter to them whether it’s winter or spring because life sucks anyway, the groundhogs you’re seeing either in real life or on the mainstream media are in fact either robot groundhogs or burrower alien shape-shifter groundhogs.

These fake groundhogs only exist because the mainstream media doesn’t want the human population of people to get depressed over the fact that all the groundhogs are clinically depressed because that would cause way too much depression–and there isn’t enough Prozac in the world to go around (big Pharm may disagree, but that’s another theory for another day).

And so, hundreds of robot groundhogs have been built and where the robots can’t go the burrower alien shape-shifters shapeshift into groundhogs to take their place for the day–all in an attempt to cover-up the major groundhog depression plaguing the planet and allow humans to carry on–whether it’s 6 more weeks of winter or not.

As you’ve seen in recent news, the U.S. government shut down for three days in an attempt to cover up more truth. On top of that, President Trump appears to be leading the United States of America into a very ugly war over nuclear war button sizes with North Korea.

But, we shouldn’t let any of that distract us from the real threat facing our country: the Patriots are back to compete in the Big Game.

The big game being the biggest Big Game of American football as well as the second biggest capitalist celebration of indulgence and consumerism after Christmas, and of course, the day that finally every person in the U.S. falls off their new year’s resolutions 100%.

At first glance, the Patriots entering the Big Game for the eighth time since 2001 might seem inconsequential when compared to nuclear war and the collapse of the entire United States government, but if it was inconsequential then why would President Trump spend so much time tweeting about it?

The answer is obvious to anyone paying attention.

The NFL has clearly been infiltrated by inner earth aliens led by none other than Patriots quarterback and five-time Big Game champion, Uggs spokesperson, pretty boy, Gisele-husband, guy-every-straight-guy would-even-sleep-with, Tom Brady.

And because President Donald Trump is actually a reptilian shapeshifter Illuminati member, and the Illuminati and inner earth aliens haven’t gotten along ever since Illuminati reptilian President Nixon made the mistake of saying there was a “war on drugs,” causing the inner earth aliens to lose billions of dollars in their throughthecrustoftheearth drug sales (mainly quaaludes and mescaline) trade, the two forces have been spatting back and forth with each other right in front of all of our eyes ever since.

The Inner Earth Aliens have been dissatisfied with their position as lower class citizens, being forced to live literally inside the earth without access to education opportunities, Billy Joel concerts, or proper nutrition.

Despite all of the disadvantages some inner earth aliens have escaped their underground hell hole and somehow made it into the NFL. These inner earth aliens show their solidarity with their inner earth comrades who are still underground by kneeling during the Earth anthem that plays before all the big games.

This kneeling action is a direct challenge to the authority of the surface world, and a call to arms for inner earth aliens.

As a member of the Illuminati and enemy of inner earth aliens, President Trump became quickly aware of this secret inner earth alien message back at the beginning of the football season and has responded accordingly.

Why else would he care so much about a seemingly meaningless gesture carried out by grown men playing a game that consists of wearing super tight pants and trying to get a big brown ball through a narrow end zone?

Of course, the leader of the inner earth aliens is none other than Tom Brady, who managed to rise through the ranks of the NFL quarterbacks with the help of his Beli-bot, capable of calculating outcomes and making decisions without human emotions interfering. Also, he cheats and lets the air out of footballs sometimes.

Brady’s ultimate plan is clear; convince the country to wear uggs so that they can’t detect the inner earth alien landspaceships coming up through the surface until it’s too late. If the Patriots win the Big Game this year, he may sell enough uggs to put his plan into action.

Our only hope is that the Illuminati are able to prevent these illegal aliens from kneeling and quell the uprising of inner earth aliens. But what can we as citizens do to help?

The answer is obvious. Don’t be distracted by things like the government shutting down or the president colluding with Russia to cheat in an election, and focus on anthem kneeling, the Big Game, and buying yourself a new pair of Uggs.

Dreamers Are A Front to Real Alien Issues

-Washington D.C. United States, Earth

The recent 3-day United States government shutdown over the past weekend was not entirely based upon the Democrats desire for a solution to Daca–the program designed to help Dreamers, children brought illegally into to the United States who have lived in the country the majority of their lives, stay in the United States.

The truth of the matter is that it’s not about these illegal immigrants at all. The reason why it’s been so difficult for any administration to come up with a solution to border issues in the United States is that they are unsure of how to handle literal alien entry.

When government officials discuss aliens from other countries on Earth they often are using that as code for actual aliens from outer space (and inner earth core).

Part of a Goverment Building, found in the United States, appeared to be unoccupied for at least over a decade now.

Think about it. What’s the big deal with regard to any person from any shithole country coming over here when inner earth aliens are trying to shove their way up onto human land and massive tall whites are trying to mind-control us into electing Illuminati-representatives like Donald Trump as a distraction device from the TRUTH?

What’s the TRUTH, you wonder?

Well, over here at What the Conspiracy we’ve been wondering that too. That’s why we created this site, to keep digging, to keep finding the answers to the hard questions no one has even thought to ask.

Maybe Mary at Yellowstone National Park just wanted to take Monday off and she orchestrated the entire shut-down. Or maybe the government shutdown because Trump and the rest of his political team couldn’t figure out how to tell the aliens, (aliens that have yet to be named), aliens that are more intense, more powerful, more corrupt than both the Tall Whites AND The Illuminati could ever be, to go away.

Or maybe it was a ruse to get the inner earth aliens through the secret door at the bottom of the Grand Canyon while no one was working.

The recent uproar in the mainstream media regarding the latest teenage trend of eating Tide-Pods, the individually-plastic-wrapped colorful candy-like looking laundry detergent, has some conspiracy theorists wondering if Tide-Pods actually contain the meaning of life.

The Tide-Pod Challenge comes after a slew of other teenage rebellions including but not limited to the gallon challenge, the cinnamon challenge, the bath-salt challenge and the classic drinking-jungle-juice-from-a-bathtub challenge. All of which were just steps up the ladder to truly understanding the meaning of life.

Teenager attempting to discover the meaning of life at the laundromat, Seattle, Washington, U.S.A. Earth, 2018.

That is, many humans between the ages of 13 and 19 have a hard time wrapping their minds around the idea that death is a certainty– the Tide-Pod Challenge helps them on their way toward enlightenment, aka recognizing their own mortality, aka seeing the other side, aka realizing that life is one big joke and it ends when they eat a piece of plastic containing not just soap, but what could only be construed as a chemical lab-made poison. That “fresh rain” smell, that “tropical ocean” smell, that’s not natural, that’s all made up by scientists who get paid a lot of money to make soap that is probably more likely to cause cancer than prevent it.

“When clothes come out of the laundry with that fresh smell all humans seem to enjoy, well, I made up that fresh smell,” says, Corporate Chemist, Connelly Dickson, 42, “The truth of the matter, grocery-store laundry detergent would cause damage and/or potentially kill any breathing creature that consumes even a small quantity of it.”

One conspiracy theorist think otherwise.

“Maybe the younger generation just gets it, you know?” says guy who still lives in his mom’s basement, Josh McGosh, 37, “maybe there’s something in these pods. We don’t really know until we try. The government and the mainstream media could be working in cahoots trying to keep us from eating them when really they exist to change our lives.”

Upon hearing McGosh’s claims, “No. Nope. Eating laundry detergent will indeed kill a person,” Dickson concludes. “So, yes, it will change a person’s life, in that they will no longer have one.”

Yet, what is death anyway? No one really truly knows. Perhaps people of Generation Z understand more about it than anyone else. Perhaps the other side is better than this one. They are growing up in the Trump era after all; who could really blame them for wanting to take this sort of exploratory leap? Life, money, time, non-edible tide-pods, it’s all just social constructs anyway.To report exposure to laundry detergent pods, call the national poison hotline at 1-800-222-1222 so you can go back to living a meaningless no-enlightened poison-free existence. Or text POISON to 797979 to save the number on your phone and get to it later.

Alien Butt Violin Paraphernalia Found in Denver

Denver, CO

A recent discovery reveals something not from planet Earth.

Found along the streets of Five Points, Denver, Colorado.

What appears to be an apparatus that from planet BoomBing home of the Buttchippa. A highly intelligent, superior species that prefer to “YOLO,” though they have a much more evolved terminology regarding that phrase that us mere humans would not comprehend.

According to planet BoomBing experts, the Buttchippa are typically 6 to 9 inches tall; half of the species is incredibly fat while the other half is absurdly thin, yet, unlike humans they are non-gender-binary. It’s entirely genetic whether one is super fat or super thin and no Buttchippa thinks one is more beautiful than the other, it’s a non-issue. The Buttchippa are sound-oriented. They survive, thrive, heal, kill, become aroused, and reproduce through the art of sound.

Researchers and scientists suggest that the shape, size, structure, and location of discovered artifact all point toward this particular species, though there are competing theories as to the purpose of said found item.

How did it get here?

Why did it get left behind?

Could the Buttchippa use it in their behinds?

Leading scientists have decided to call this object String-on-a-Stick #6753. There are currently three major theories as to what this unidentified alien object ‘String-on-a-Stick #6753’ is and what it does and If it does indeed belong to the Buttchippa.

Here Are The Three Major Theories of found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 In Minor Detail.

1. Generic Everyday Butt Violin
The Buttchippa are musical creatures. They enjoy a good rhythm, a good song. The way they tend to mate with one another is through what we would call classical butt rubbing, while they each sing the sounds of ooh-la-la. Sometimes the Buttchippa find typical butt rubbing to get rather dull. To spice things up, they’re known to add toys into their sex play. Some researchers believe that found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 is a Buttchippa butt violin.

The butt violin works exactly like it sounds, one Buttchippa glides the butt violin through the cheeks of another (or alone along their own butt cheeks if they’re solo-explorers) back and forth, in and out, up and down in order to create noises like the ooh-la-la but different, more like ee-ea-ouu.

Buttchippa also give birth through their anuses, so the generic everyday butt violin could be used as a device to help guide baby Buttchippas gently through the dark hole into bright light.

2. A Sound Instrument

Some experts believe that found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 was not created for literal sex acts, but is similar to a violin inasmuch as it is used like an instrument for the Buttchippa to play, sort of like humans do in bands, except better because they clearly understand sound more than Earthlings do.

3. A Weed-Whack-Snip-Trim-A-Kabob

The weeds on planet BoomBing are delicate, yet create a disharmony that the Buttchippa find unnerving. They’re known for their elaborate gardens because certain plants attract bee-like creatures called Buzzingas that make a sweet sweet song that put most Buttchippas in a trance-like escastic daze. The weeds attract Waspadoodles, tiny creatures that make noises that sound like a mixture between a yapping lap dog and a incredibly loud wasp (like one basically just buzzing right in your ear for hours at a time). The Buttchippa do not care for the Waspadoodles and thus they must eliminate what the Waspadoodles thrive on, the weeds. Hence why some scientists believe that found object String-on-a-Stick #6753 is some sort of weedwhacker, line trimmer thing. Because the weeds on planet BoomBing are so fragile, all it takes is a string and a strong arm and the Buttchippa can fix up their yards in seconds flat (unlike Earthlings whose middle-class species tends to their yards week after week to no avail).

Unwarranted opinion: Why can’t it be used for all three things?

Researchers are still investigating. What the Conspiracy will update once more information on found objec String-on-a-Stick #6753 (aka the tiny butt violin) is released.