Monday, April 27, 2009

So it seems my boy Maliek made a lil jokie joke on Facebook the other day about me hurting Rameer's feelings - something about the stripper being my baby daddy and Rameer getting all bent out of shape - ha ha...very funny :)

Maliek said that I shouldn't "get Rameer back like dat." :) Funny as hell, as Maliek tends to be, but it got me to thinking about the lyrics to "Song Cry" and "Back like That." Let's start with Ghost Face and NeYo's joint.

Shorty what is you thinking boutDidn't I put you downFlyest whips, rollin' round like yeaThat's the bosses chick, on the sideI might of had, one or twoThem silly broads wasn't nothing on youRolling with him, try'nna get revengeThat's what you just don't do

Now, correct me if I'm wrong...but...huh?

How does a man justify his cheating or doing dirt by saying "I know what I did was wack, but you don't get your man back like that"? Actually, messing around with one of his enemies is a GREAT way to get him back for cheating on you....right?

...back to that in a minute...

How about Jay's lyrics...

"Word back home is that you had a special friendSo what was oh so special then?You have given away without gettin at meThat's your fault, how many times you forgiven me?How was I to know that you was plain sick of me?I know the way a nigga livin was whackBut you don't get a nigga back like that!Shit I'm a man with pride, you don't do shit like thatYou don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like thatYou don't throw away what we had, just like thatI was just fuckin them girls, I was gon' get right back"

Again I say....huh?

Oh, so because you were just f*ckin' those girls, it's okay...right?

WRONG.

These are just lyrics to songs, but it begs the bigger question - who is more forgiving of cheating - men or women?

I think women are...and here's why.

First, a man's ego is bigger than his woman's heart and the love he may have for her. If you damage his ego, chances are the relationship is over. Not saying a man can't forgive, just less likely that he will...especially if he's not married. If he's married with kids, he may consider it...maybe. A woman may be more likely to forgive in a marital situation, especially if children are involved because no woman wants to raise children alone. She may put up with infidelity if it means more financial stability and safety for her children.

Also, men are more territorial. The thought of another man sniffing around their woman will make a man crazy. If he plants his flag on a woman, he feels she's his forever. Maybe that's why they're always asking "who's p*ssy is this?"....or so I've heard ;)

If a man admits to - or most likely gets caught - cheating, usually the first question a woman will ask (after "who is the bitch?") is "do you love her?" If a woman admits to cheating (cuz most women are 2 steps ahead of her man and rarely gets caught), the first question the man asks (after she gets up off the floor after receiving a Chris Brown style beatdown) is "did you f*ck him?"

See...two different questions. Why? Because when men cheat, it's usually all about the moment and the physical. When women cheat, it's mostly due to her emotions. We care about feelings, men just wanna know if another man hit it.

Sex to men is fleeting. They can separate love from sex. They can separate "like" from sex. They barely have to know your name. It's a physical release to them - busting a nut and nothing else. But men know that if a women has sex with another man, chances are it's more than just something physical for her. There's usually an emotional connection, and no man wants to believe that about their woman.

If a man cheats, he expects us to forgive him based on his logic that it was strictly sex, not love. If a woman cheats, and says that it was just about sex, he probably still won't forgive her...because that logic doesn't apply to us. Men are taught that women are nurturers. They believe that we are, or SHOULD BE, monogamous creatures that stick by our men.

Most women believe that all men cheat - that that's just what they do. So forgiving them comes with the territory because they believe all men are naturally born that way and that monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic. So we forgive. We don't forget, ever. NEVER EVER EVA. Women will bring your infidelity up in a heartbeat! Five days later, 5 months later, 5 years later - she'll never forget. But she'll stay with you and continue loving you...she'll just have a hard time FULLY trusting you again.

Men...not so much. If they don't trust you, that's it...over...done. Or so it seems.

And not for nothing, women tend to worry more about the woman the man cheated with, not the man himself - which may be another reason why women forgive more often. They feel that if they leave, the other woman will get her man...and that the other woman will "win." She'll be DAMNED if another woman benefits from all the hard work she put in with her man. She's not giving him up; she'll stay with him and try to figure out how to "train" him. Buffoonery I know...but hey...didn't say it made sense.

And if that man has money and/or fame, he can humiliate her Kobe Bryant style, and the woman will STILL be on tv looking crazy holding her man's hand while he sits there crying because there is NO WAY a woman will give up her millionaire to another woman so that he can spend his loot on HER. Hey, that's how a lot of women think. Not saying it's right, but it it what it is sometimes.

So, do you agree? Are women more forgiving of infidelity than men are? If so, why do you think so?...if not, same question.

Or is each situation so unique that we can't make a general statement about it? You tell me. We can explore how to forgive or survive cheating tomorrow if you like, but for now, let's discuss who's better at forgiving infidelity. Break it down for me...

Yeah... I mean I have been on both sides of the situation. In different relationships & have handled things differently. AND EVEN MORE no matter how much thought you give to the situation now & think you know what you would do in the situation you never know how you are going to react.

Well, I guess my question isn't about "should" you forgive - the blog is about who do you think forgives more easily? Both men and women DO it, but my question is more who do you think does it more often or as easily.

Brooke what's up with audience on your FB page lately lmao! Okay so before I hop on this plane I will say that I agree with Annamaria. Every situation is different. I've been on the end of being cheated on and yeah back then I took him back. Now a days I'm too old and mature for that mess. So in what you're saying Brooke about how dudes just cut a chick off if she's caught and admits to cheating is how I handle the situation.

There are too many diseases on top of that being a huge disrespect. Its very hurtful to get cheated on so instead of walking around all hurt and not being able to trust him I'd rather cut my losses, take time to heal and keep it moving.

Just my 2 cents, buts that's me some women keep taking him back over and over. So he'll keep cheating because he knows she aint going no where. She's allowing it to happen to her.

In the examples I put in my blog, the men were doing dirt themselves, yet expected the woman to stay, even though when she does it, they cut her off. The blog isn't really about should you forgive, but moreso on double standards...in my opinion.

I guess my question wasn't really clear. There is no answer as to IF a person should forgive or not, those are personal choices. But my interest is more in finding out the reasons why it seems more difficult for a man to forgive cheating than a woman will - if that's true or not.

I would say to answer your question women are more forgiving or some act like they are forgiving. In other words they will say they forgive him, have him back and do the hurtful thing like smash the homies lol!

LMAO!! That show rated every week tho. We were actually talking about it in my meeting AGAIN this morning. EVERY white guy in my department watches Ray J, and a few women. This guy Steve and I are the only black people in our dept. programming meetings and WE were the ones looking at each other like, "huh?" I've seen 2 and a half episodes, Steve I think maybe one...the rest of the room was hooked on it from day one. And they weren't ashamed to admit it!

which brings me back to the blog - Ray J was NEVER going to pick Danger because she smashed the homies...and the guy didn't even have to be a GOOD friend of his, just someone he knew. But Ray J has been with countless women, but that's okay? It's not even like she cheated on him...but it seems a man's ego can't handle it.

Oh yeah I remember girls getting straight embarrassed in the park back in Queens growing up cause they either smashed the homie OR gave him her number. Nothing would even go down yet but when that thin line was crossed it was a wrap.

Rameer is BACK from his shoot...interesting how you use your infidelity to me as a blog topic...hmph!

Anyways...cheater...

You know why you don't get a man back like that? Really? Cuz our joint protrudes and your joint is internal. No, really. When you have sex with a guy, he's ALL INSIDE OF YOU...you are taking him INTO you. When we have sex...we're sticking something in, usually wrapped in latex. We're not actually being invaded, so to speak.

Now, I put that bluntly, but I've read studies on the male and female psyches, and this is a theory I think holds true. Think about it - if you put your finger on bird poop, you'll go "ewww!" and go wash it off. Later in the day, you'll be picking up food with that same finger...you've cleaned it thoroughly, and you feel safe. But if, heaven forbid, you yawned and some bird poop landed on your tongue...3 days later, you'll STILL be spitting out what you perceive to be the taste and what you think is lingering in your DNA. See?

Subconsciously, we as men are the ONLY people s'posed to be inside of you once we've established that connection. Any other man being in it is defilement; regardless of anything that happens afterwards, you've been corrupted. Another man's scent is on you. He worked OUR noonie. You had your legs wrapped around HIS waist.

Just the thought makes me think "yuck!" as I type it...

And, what many women seem to ignore about the Jay-Z lyric (love Jay-Z, cuz many of his lyrics hold so much in them that goes over peoples' heads) is the line:

You have given away without gettin at meThat's your fault, how many times you forgiven me?How was I to know that you was plain sick of me?See, that's REAL TALK. He's saying "Why didn't you say something? We've been through this before, you forgave me no problem and supposedly let it go. How am I to know that THIS TIME it was a major problem, and you didn't even bring it to my attention?"

And I feel him on that. I've told many women that a lot of times y'all be on some "you should've known" bullsh*t. And I don't EVER play that crap. Regardless of situation or the woman - something on your mind, you TELL ME. Men will say "dog, that ish wasn't cool" and deal with any problems. Women will complain to their friends or family, but never directly address it with the man - but just act funny like we're supposed to know. If you don't tell me, I ain't guessin'!

Obviously, this isn't ALL women, or ALL men. I've actually only cheated once in my life, and it was so out of character - essentially, it was to get back at someone who cheated on me (yup - it was a feminine reaction, I know). And I STILL got no satisfaction out of it, I was just as miserable. Luckily, it happened when the kid was still a kid (lol). But I ain't one to cheat at all. I'd rather flat out tell a girl "this ain't workin', cuz shorty lookin' real good, and she wanna GET IT - and I'mma GIVE IT to her!" Lol...

I'm interested to see all the comments on THIS...but I got one more point. I HATE how Black women bring up Kobe Bryant as the poster-child for cheating; I have a very distinct theory on why his name always pops out of Black women's mouths as opposed to Bill Clinton, Joey Buttafucco, or Brad Pitt - all whose infidelities were more storied and decidedly longer and more damaging to their partners. But I'll save that for another blog...

Kobe cheated, got caught due to a false rape charge that was made public, and yes - groveled to his wife, and helped ease the pain with a $4 million dollar diamond ring. It wasn't ABOUT humiliation; he never intended to get caught, and didn't engage in on-going "I don't give a f" behavior. He was out of town, trying to be discreet, and approached by the chick. According to many reports, many teammates thought it may have been his first time doing what is common place in sports - getting some on the road. Which explains his naivete...

Let it go, Black women! His wife is on TV every game, waiting for him in the tunnel with his kids. THEY seem to have gotten over it...stop throwing his name out there like he's the worst example of cheating, when Howard Hewitt dogged Nia Peebles, Omar Epps cheated on Sanaa, Mekhi Phifer did Malinda Williams greasy, and Eric Benet went buckwild on Halle Berry (but I might've done that too, in Halle's case)!

I used Kobe as a joke..but not beacause he cheated, but because his wife forgave him. I'm not surprised Kobe cheated, at ALL. I'm not really surprised when I hear ANY celebrity or politician cheats...but I'm always curious to see the wive's reactions to it. Kobe's wife was holding his hand like he was a little boy. Not saying she should or shouldn't have, not the point. But if SHE had cheated on him, would he have been as compassionate - THAT is my question? You see the Mrs. Bryants, Mrs. Clintons all the time, standing by their man after they were humiliated. But it's hard for me to come up with a man who has publicly done the same for a woman who has cheated on him. Not saying they don't exist, but I can't think of any offhand.

I understand the whole "a man is inside you" theory..but come on, just as you allow someone to enter you, so a man has to stick his thing INTO someone. I know what you're saying about wiping off the finger, but still...nasty.

As for a case where the woman cheated first...NY state governor Patterson's wife. She was stepping out on our legally blind gov, and he forgave and took it back - but not before getting some side nookie himself. And I KNOW he was hurt by it - I've MET Ms. Patterson. HUBBA HUBBA. She's one of those women you need to see in-person, cuz I had seen plenty of pics and didn't think much. But MAN - she's got a TIGHT body!!! Very pretty, too! I'd be upset if she was MY wife and gave it up to the next man, too!

I was just explaining it. The "inside" thing has validity...if a man goes raw-diggity, he has less chance of contracting many STDs as opposed to a woman doing the same. That's cuz we need a cut or opening on our joints, and the little slit opening at the tip is a smaller hole that the huge one you guys have if a man skeets inside of you who is infected.

I know - sounds yucky, but it Is Tuesday...Lol! And before anyone questions that - I'm saying it crudely, but it's medically true. Look it up...there have been plenty of reports on it, and it's a main reason women are contracting AIDS at a faster rate than men...

Like I said...I was cheated on once in my life. I tried to be "adult" and move on with the relationship...but I never got over it. It hurt me terribly, and stayed with me. It even caused me to cheat in order to try to "get even", but left me disgusted at myself and feeling even worse.

I learned that I know who I am - a good man who doesn't deserve that type of treatment at all. And, as I am in many situations - I'm not Mr. Forgiving. I can forgive anyone I love on most things if they are truly sorry (you get ONE MAJOR PASS on despicable things), but that's something I can't forgive. At all. Too many people out there who will appreciate me and treat me as I deserve to be treated rather than to settle for someone who would violate my trust and love like that.

The best thing she could do was just set up the divorce, and if she did cheat, not let me know until it was finalized - if ever. I might wind up in Shawshank...true story. ESPECIALLY if I know the dude...

I think that's a silly question to ask me, but I'll answer - OF COURSE. It's not gender specific...it's about valuing yourself. But then again, you gotta be on the up and up too.

I will say this - I can see a bit of hypocrisy in some of what I've written knowing my own past...while I haven't been one to cheat on people, I stole A LOT of girls from other dudes in my day when I was a young buck. But, then again, if those dudes somehow came to know me and threw out a theoretical question about should they leave their women cuz they suspected she was cheatin' - I'd still say "HELL YEAH if you know she's cheatin'!!!"

I actually am not tight with any cheaters...not my thing. I know plenty, and may have a cool relationship with some, but I don't allow those types in my inner circle at all...at least once I grew up.

It IS harder for women and men once children are involved...but for me? You gots to get gone you cheat one me, regardless of circumstances.

Sigh. You know, based on my own relationship issues, I have tried to stay away from many of these conversations. I just feel I need to say this.

God Bless woman who can forgive a man for doing something so stupid as to cheat on her. Guys talk about having a side piece like it is the good shit and it is not. I think that women are capable of forgiveness more than a man.

However...I will have to disagree with most of men and say...hell yeah, you get that MF back! I believe in fair play. If a man is all about his getting ass on the side then he opens himself up for getting it done to him.

I agree Ant. When I first heard that song with Ghost Face and NeYo, I'm like "what do they mean you don't get your man back like that"? I could see if she got him back by sleeping with his boy, but they're saying "knowing that me and this dude ain't friends."

huh?

Since when does a woman have to abide by some code if the man broke the rules first? I don't understand that.

"what I did was wack but you don't get a man back like that?"

Why not?? If he wasn't thinking about you and cheated on you, why should the woman care about HIS feelings? That's buffoonery to me.

@ Ant - can't agree with you, bruh. I don't think ANYONE should get back like that at anyone - man OR woman. I think no one should cheat, and I def don't think you "get back" by cheating with the next person. All it does is lessen you for stooping to that level, and more than likely results in drama.

Ideally, the best medicine is just to not cheat at all, and don't deal with people who don't see a problem with it or who may have the rep to have done it or have a willingness to do it.

It rarely (if ever) makes you happy to be with someone, have them cheat on you, and then you go out and get some a$$ as payback - cuz you still have lost and/or been hurt by the person you REALLY care about. and one fleeting night or a fling with no meaning can't replace that.

The nerve of you, Brooke - getting on ME for flirting! YOU flirt! You don't see no stripper stories coming from me, now do you??

***cues up Isaac Hayes' version of "Walk On By", rocks back and forth with brow furrowed***

My stripper stories are in JEST! and you flirt more than I do! You ain't checkin for me for real for real :-)

Annamaria, bachelorette party? You engaged and didn't tell nobody? :)

I don't think Ant is saying it's okay to pay someone back, but I think he's saying what I'm saying in that the man expects some sort of loyalty from his woman even tho he's doing dirt. I agree with you Rameer that you should just leave if you don't trust the person.

I never try to ge my own revenge, no matter how often I may dream about it :-) Takes too much energy, I just let the universe deal with it :)

Pilar was - and still is - EXTREMELY delish. Not saying anything else...

And you DID cheat on me! I was willing to make it work, over land, sea and air! But you? Noooooo - you just did a brother all greasy-like! And look at you - your insatiable hunger for strippers got you plannin' to have ANOTHER stripper party! Floozy!

The purpose of those songs are women that intentionally sleep with your rival or the person you hate in order to spite you. It's like that one chick in the office your chick hates and you run and bag her.

Y'all remember "Baby Boy"? Tarajii asked "why it had to be HER of all people?" when she thought Tyrese smashed her enemy. Sometimes that's worse than smashing the homies!!

Love this topic - all i have to say is that I prob agree more with LN, BUT and that's a big BUT, the cheating shouldn't be happening on either part. I hate that there is a double standard between men/women and that issue haunts me to this day in my interactions with the men in my life. I know how men think and for them sex is merely a physical thing so it's not "really" cheating. I HATE HATE HATE the double standard tho... grrr

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Over the years, I've been blessed to have spent time with, befriend, love, learn from and share experiences with people who have helped me grow and inspire me everyday. They have shared words of wisdom, strengthened me with encouragement, gave me joy with a smile, comforted me with a hug, gave clarity to my visions and dreams and renewed my spirit with faith. It is through family and friends that I manage to be happy and hopeful.
These relationships work because we share our philosophies, our personal truths and an outlook that prompts us to seek something greater in all and in ourselves. Sharing a journey heartedly illuminates our lives and enriches our experiences. It keeps us moving....always evolving....ever changing.
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