Mitt Romney is Raising WAY More Money Than Barack Obama

Although this shouldn’t at all surprise you if you’re a savvy economist like myself. You see, there’s an old financial theory that goes something like this: rich old white dudes have more money than 20-something hipsters. If I were Barack Obama, who managed to raise only $70 million to Romney’s $100 million this past June, I’d head to L.A. and start offering hand jobs to rich Hollywood types like a down on her luck actress. But seriously, has George Clooney not written a check yet? If things keep going the way they are Obama might need Clooney to put on his Danny Ocean pants and actually rob a casino.

The Obama campaign is more than a little worried.

“If we lose this election, it will be because we didn’t close the gap enough when we had the chance,” Obama campaign COO Habershaw’s email added.

The Obama campaign has said that they expected to be out gained by Romney (clearly they’re familiar with my theory), but the current gap is larger than they expected, and that’s not even counting all the secret Mormon gold hidden away in various Utah caves. The Mormons mean business, just like the Catholics did in the 1960’s when the Pope funded John F. Kennedy’s campaign with a few vaults of leftover Crusades plunder. Or how eventually the Scientologists are going to sneak in a presidential candidate whose Super PAC will be collecting rare, precious space metals.

Being a man who went to a private, Catholic, elementary school. I can attest to the fact that a dress code that involves button ups and ties, added with the fact that the Sisters (see Nuns) will aquaint you with hazing at an early age. You come into the college ready to be a total frat star. Little did we know that the strict rules were molding us for greatness.

8 of the 10 wealthiest counties in the country voted for Obama in 2008. -MSNBC

Hopefully this will not be the case this time around, but how does 8 of the 10 wealthiest counties in America vote for Obama? And yes, sometimes I like to see what those rascals at msnbc have to say every now and then.