Weekend Vignettes

August 03, 2009

For reasons that I believe can go mostly undocumented, we thought the dog had salmonella on Saturday. We found stray mussel shells from a disastrously ambitious dinner scattered in the yard; puddles of sick scattered pretty much everywhere else. She's actually just fine, but I just wanted to mention it anyway because I had to clean up a LOT of barf. You know. Just in case Ceiba ever reads this website one day. I cleaned up your barf, and I didn't like it. And now you never call! Ingrate.

*They ALL DIED before we could cook them. I set them on a paper towel for ONE MINUTE and every goddamn mussel decided to commit ritualistic suicide rather than face the hot pan of death. I was going to drown you in WINE, you bastards. WINE. We should all be so lucky to die such a death.

***In other best-left-to-the-imagination news, we have a mouse in our kitchen. And clearly, the most useless-ass pets EVER.

***

Scene: Every Saturday Morning In Our House, Ever

Jason: Anything you want to do today?

Amy: I want to go to Ikea.

Jason: We're not going to Ikea.

Amy: (dramatic flailing)Fin.

***

You probably know by now that I eat pretty much everything. Food is my hobby, since I don't know how to knit and dislike standing for long periods of time. I'm actually trying to think of something that I won't eat. Wait, okay, I've got it: raw onions, Cool Whip, head cheese. Tongue as long as it still resembles a tongue. I used to not eat rabbit -- because you know, bunnnnnnies! -- until we moved to the suburbs and a goddamn rabbit ate all my flowers and now I will eat the hell out some rabbit. I will eat that rabbit, if my dog ever stops gnawing on diseased mussels long enough to catch the stupid thing. (Hey, here's a recipe!)

Saturday night I ate pork cracklins for the first time -- fancy cracklins, apparently, since they were served on a charcuterie board alongside wee little pickles -- and for the first time in ages I was completely flummoxed by a food item. It was salty, crunchy and aggressively unhealthy -- my top three most favorite adjectives for food -- but OH MY GOD, IT WAS SKIN, RECOGNIZABLE SKIN, THERE WERE VISIBLE HAIR FOLLICLES. I could FEEL the skin-like texture on my tongue, I was Homer Simpson, sampling from the regenerative bacon buffet in the Garden of Eden.*

So instead of eating them, I lined a few up on my arm and asked Jason to get another few orders because the restaurant was chilly and I wanted a cardigan. Jason was all, "give those back, they're delicious."

*If you know what I'm talking about here, congratulations! We can be friends. We'll eat some deep-fried skin and then go get ice cream.

***

On Sunday, we went to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Noah loved everything about it, except for the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese, whom he eyed warily from the table, nervously eating bites of pizza. When the costumed Chuck E. Cheese (who was missing one furry glove for most of the proceedings) showed up, we had to retreat to a safe distance.

Noah: THAT BUNNY NEEDS TO GO AWAY.

Amy: He's a mouse, sweetie.Noah: THAT BUNNY MOUSE NEEDS TO GO HOME.

***

As we drove home, Jason and I had a 20-minute unironic conversation about minivans and the many, many attractive features they offer. We're certainly not in the market for a new car or anything, but Jason rode in his coworker's Odyssey and like, maaaaaan, that thing was sweeeeeet. You don't even have to fold the stroller or anything. I remembered the same thing about a friend's minivan in a fit of retroactive lust, shaking my head at my naive young ATTITUDE towards minivans, back when I knew NOTHING about the world and what happens to all your "adequate cargo space" once you have two children.

Amy: I mean, just THINK of all the stuff we could buy at Ikea!

***

We never made it to Ikea. We went to the Big Box Baby Store instead and bought additional baby gates, because our 9-month-old does not have the sense God gave a bunny mouse. While shopping, I was approached TWICE about the Ergo carrier and whether I liked it (yes, oh God, yes), what age I started using it (31) (haaaa, I'm an ass), and then approached again by someone trying to decide between two different floor gyms and which one was better (is it for your baby? no? okay, get whatever one blinks and makes noise.)

Less than an hour after that, we stopped at Whole Foods and a timid young thing in high heels asked me what the difference was between brown eggs and white eggs, and if she hard-boiled the brown ones would they like, be the same? With a white part and a yellow center? She then admitted that this was her first grocery-shopping trip out on her own, and I noticed that her shopping list contained the instruction to "open egg carton and check for broken shells."

Amy: Wow, I must look like, really extra helpful today, or something!

Jason: I think it's more that you just look so much like a mom.

Amy: Do I look like I drive a minivan? Because I don't. Yet. Seriously, the back seats FOLD INTO THE FLOOR, OH MY GOD.

***

We've been pricing up laptops for awhile now -- the Macbook's motherfuckingboard was going to cost a motherfucking fortune to fix, plus it seemed like the water damage was pretty damn catastrophic, and the repair couldn't guarantee that other inside-techie things hadn't shorted out -- and I was resigned to buying a cheaper non-Mac, because. Well. Cheaper. I officially put off the purchase waaaay too long, leading to lost posts and enormous amounts of frustration once the mouse key broke, randomly moving the cursor to different parts of the screen while I typed gaaaaaaaaah kill.

So on Thursday we went to the Big Box Computer Store and I glumly pecked on some keyboards and finally declared one "pretty okay." I knew we could get it cheaper online though, so we didn't buy it.

On Friday -- before any of this other stuff happened, even though Jason probably knew it was a pretty safe bet that I would make stupid jokes out in public, that I would bug him about taking me to Ikea, that I would wander around stores looking like a frumpy, frizzy, minivan-lusting mom -- he came home from work and pulled a brand-new Macbook out of his briefcase. I was stunned.

Jason: You use it every day. It's what you do. It's important. You should have the one you want.

Our anniversary is in a few days. Eleven years. Our life is nothing like the one we thought we'd have once upon a time.

Three things:
1. Happy anniversary! My decade is at the beginning of September and I STILL can't believe he hasn't come to his senses yet.
2. Chuck E. Cheese scares the hell out of my kid and she tried to tackle Mickey THREE TIMES during our last vacation. There's just something about that C.E.C rat that kids don't trust.
3. Stow-N-Go. Lu-huv it!

I kind of cried there at the end. In that prickly eyes, but no water coming out kind of way. My revenge will be to tell you that once I had my second baby, I got a Toyota Sienna minivan. And it is more sweet than you can ever imagine. I can push a button to close any door, including the rear gate, while sitting my butt in the driver's seat. There, your turn to get prickly eyes.

We had a minivan for YEARS and the fact that it seated 117 people and had 453 cupholders and could hold all of the stuff in our house, plus the neighbours house made it indispensable when the kids were growing up. I don't miss it now, but that's because we don't need it anymore...the kids are growing up and the oldest doesn't want to be seen out in public with us. Minivans are great for growing families.

Oh and have a wonderful anniversary...there's nothing like knowing he's definately the one forever and ever.

I am also a frizzy minivan lusting mom who would so go to Ikea eveyr weekend except that it's like a 7 hour drive away so i have to esttle for nebraska furniture mart. which is pretty sweet. I am also overly familiar with the everlasting pork buffet a la Simpson, and would love to be your friend and have ice cream. But i think I'll stick with wearing a cracklin cardigan instead of eating any - ok?

(Remind me to tell you about my friend who bought a minivan b/c it came with a built in carseat and then she had a baby and found out she needed an infant seat. She calls it her $30,000 useless car seat. But she loves the mini van.)

19 months ago, we traded in a pick up and an accord for a 3-series. We thought we were going to be young and stylin'. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. We now have a two month old and good god, I want a minivan so bad I can't even verbalize how tired I am of shoving our stroller into the trunk.

Out of that entire post I am obsessing about the mussels. How did you know they had all died and if they had died at just that very minute, why couldn't you still cook them? Did they open and wouldn't close again so you knew they were dead?

19 months ago, we traded in a pick up and an accord for a 3-series. We thought we were going to be young and stylin'. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. We now have a two month old and good god, I want a minivan so bad I can't even verbalize how tired I am of shoving our stroller into the trunk.

19 months ago, we traded in a pick up and an accord for a 3-series. We thought we were going to be young and stylin'. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. We now have a two month old and good god, I want a minivan so bad I can't even verbalize how tired I am of shoving our stroller into the trunk.

19 months ago, we traded in a pick up and an accord for a 3-series. We thought we were going to be young and stylin'. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. We now have a two month old and good god, I want a minivan so bad I can't even verbalize how tired I am of shoving our stroller into the trunk.

Can a 2:24 minute long YouTube video count as a recipe? Are there additional details available somewhere else that I'm missing? That is an impressive undertaking ... and now I kind of want to try as a challenge to myself ...

I am all about the ridiculously overambitious recipes lately. On the other hand I am this close to never cooking again because of it, so maybe I'll let that Gordon Ramsey one sit for a while. Thanks for the warning.

I used to HIDE UNDER THE TABLE with my (about to turn 16 years old on Friday) son at Chuck E. Cheese to avoid that nasty rat. Talk about disgusting.

And here's another vote for the Toyota Sienna (we're on our second one). We've driven it from CT to FL with kids, golf clubs, etc. We bought a couch and instead of paying the $75 delivery charge, folded down the seats and shoved the couch in. The gate even closed!

I am approached about my Ergo ALL THE TIME. I even found myself in Big Box Baby Store this weekend helping my Ergo on to a total stranger so she could see what her adorable baby looked like in it, and whether she was comfortable in it. I totally think the Ergo people should start paying us commission.

We outgrew our minivan when I had my fifth kid. We went with the Honda Pilot (seats 8) because we couldn't afford a Suburban. I love my Pilot. Now my SIX kids are between the ages of 11 and 4 and I find myself with the unbelievable lust for a 12 or 15 passenger VAN van because when all of us are in the Pilot, I cannot even go grocery shopping there is so little room behind the last seat - forget packing our five huge taekwondo gear bags. I miss the days when our minivan had so much room we could put seats down.

And yea Mac (and yea Jason!) You may have just tipped me over the edge to getting a Macbook for my husband for our 17th (!) anniversary.

I would trade my firstborn for a Macbook. Except then I wouldn't have anything to write about. And I love him way to much to trade him for anything. So I guess I really wouldn't. But I'd like one, just the same. And also, any advice on babygates that don't SUCK would be muy appreciated.

I want to comment on about a 32 different parts of this post, because it is so damned good. And so, I will comment on nothing in particular. Well, OK this: We don't even have an IKEA for me to beg the Mr. to take me to. Luh-key.

Amazing isn't it? When you look around and you see nothing of what you thought you'd see, and yet you love all of it. Even the bunnies. Except for us it's the neighborhood cats. Who pee on the doors. But I still love my life. All of it. Even though I'm not even on the continent I used to think I'd grow old on...

I spilled an eight ounce bottle of whole milk in my purse once and fried my iPod. We never spend any money ever and I called my husband, terrified, and he said immediately "Don't worry, we'll get you a new one this weekend!" They just KNOW sometimes, don't they?

In other news, the hubs and I are looking at new laptops as well. I wanted to go the macbook route and even though I was given the "get what you want..." speech, he still about fainted when I told him how much it was. I might have to settle for a pc. boo-hoo. unfortunately, our anniversary and my birthday are far, far away so pulling that card might be a bit of a stretch.

Laptop wins over Ikea anyday. You don't have to assemble it! Not really anyway.
And also, I really love my minivan. The seats fold into the floor. I could put a jungle gym back there on long trips.
(Not that I WOULD, but I totally COULD)

Despite only having one child to date, we caved and bought a minivan several years ago. The Navy moves us across the country every few years and all that extra space comes in so very handy for our cats and all our crap, not to mention the built-in DVD player. And when your kids get old enough to want their friends to go places with them but they're all still in booster seats, the extra room comes in very handy indeed.

I grew up with IKEA (DC burbs) and practically went in withdrawal when I moved to Atlanta and OMG THERE WASN'T AN IKEA WITHIN 600 MILES until FINALLY they built one here.

I also loved, Loved, LOVED my small sporty car... until I had two babies within 18 months and had to purchase a double stroller which required a new car. Yes, I made a vehicle purchase partly based on my strolling needs. I now own the Odyssey and let me just tell you that not only do my rear seats spend ALL their time stowed to make room for the stroller collection, but I can now go to IKEA on a whim and come home with bookcases, bed frames, etc.

I'm typing this on my brand new MacBook too. :) I LOVE it. (Although I must admit I didn't buy it--it's from work--but I use my work computers however I want, even commenting on blogs from the toilet.)

My hubby did something very similar. After our first baby was born, I used my laptop (PC) all the time because it was one of the few things I could do during the long periods of sitting on the couch nursing her. Then my laptop started to go haywire, and I found it very frustrating. I'd also been craving a MacBook but knew we could never afford it. Then one day Hubby came home and presented me with a brand, spankin' new MacBook. He said, "You work hard to take care of our baby, and the free time/relaxation time you get ends up frustrating because your computer isn't working. You deserve a new one." I simultaneously killed him for spending the money and did a happy dance that I still got to keep it. :)

That pig skin thing is beyond gross - hair follicles?? Gaaaaag. I used to give my dogs pig ears and stopped doing that because sometimes there were fuzzy little pig ear-hairs on them. Now I feed them faux pig ears - terribly trendy in a vegan sorta way, huh?

I was once a young, non-minivan mom. Then, lo came the Odyssey. It is most fabulous. If you are going to get a minivan - get the best damn minivan out there, which is the Odyssey. No, I do not work for Honda, why do you ask??

Amy, I've read for a while, but haven't commented. But when I read the part about Homer in the Garden of Eden, I knew I had to. I actually work at the same company as Jason, and it took me an embarassingly long time to figure that out--like only with a positive ID from your 4th of July pictures until I was like I KNEW it! Totally love the blog :) Thanks for making me laugh!

Great vignettes! I loved the egg story... this is what happens when parents shelter their children too much. I was milking cows when I was 10, doing laundry much younger (probably would have grocery shopped too, but couldn't get my license until I was 16).

I love me my minivan. We have the odyssey, the 8 seater. It rocks. Only mistake--no built in dvd player with wireless headphones this time. Big mistake. Our other car is the mazda 5. Like it, don't love it. (probably because I'm so spoiled by the cavernous amount of space in my van, and the super fancy subscription radio....) The challenge was finding two cars that would easily hold three car seats without buying an suv.

Heh, I just took minivan-porn pics after getting a sienna because of baby #2/Very Large Dog. Once you get over the "we just bought a minivan on purpose" part it's pretty exciting. The color choice is tough though because there's so much of whatever color you pick, yet no color takes away from it being a minivan. We did shy away from the lime green though.

Heh, I just took minivan-porn pics after getting a sienna because of baby #2/Very Large Dog. Once you get over the "we just bought a minivan on purpose" part it's pretty exciting. The color choice is tough though because there's so much of whatever color you pick, yet no color takes away from it being a minivan. We did shy away from the lime green though.

ooh, ooh, I know that Simpsons episode!! Also: I have a minivan. It's a used Odyssey but it's pretty cool. Had to jump from a cool car to a minivan when I got pregnant with twins. (snif! miss u, purple Saturn with heated leather seats, sunroof, speedy engine...) Also: my hubby bought me a macbook for Christmas a couple years ago. I was all ack! too expensive! too nice! I don't really NEED it! But, damn, I have used the shit out of it since I've had it! Enjoy! Love your blog and damn, your kids are cute!

ooh, ooh, I know that Simpsons episode!! Also: I have a minivan. It's a used Odyssey but it's pretty cool. Had to jump from a cool car to a minivan when I got pregnant with twins. (snif! miss u, purple Saturn with heated leather seats, sunroof, speedy engine...) Also: my hubby bought me a macbook for Christmas a couple years ago. I was all ack! too expensive! too nice! I don't really NEED it! But, damn, I have used the shit out of it since I've had it! Enjoy! Love your blog and damn, your kids are cute!

Heh, I just took minivan-porn pics after getting a sienna because of baby #2/Very Large Dog. Once you get over the "we just bought a minivan on purpose" part it's pretty exciting. The color choice is tough though because there's so much of whatever color you pick, yet no color takes away from it being a minivan. We did shy away from the lime green though.

so many lovely bits to comment on, but the part that cracked me up was the lining up of furry cracklins on the skin to make a cardigan. you slay me. I think you'd be fun to go out to eat with since I'm pretty much the same way about food. I tried Oya tonight... hmm. Good, but not sure it was worth the price.

I'm glad you didn't end up with the non-mac. I'm *that* much of an apple loyalist that I prefer to picture my favorite bloggers writing on macs. I am that gross. And loyal, despite having three-- count them: three--mac laptops kick the bucket on me for various not-my-fault (and not a baby's fault either!) reasons. One with much data loss. Yikes.

Also--I make the same Saturday request, and Ikea is 3 hours plus from my house. But it's worked--thrice! I am such an Ikea dork that I have a category for it on my blog.

I think you are the funniest woman on the planet! I visit your blog every night so I can be in a good mood before waking up to two (make that three, husband's on leave) human backpacks who suck the humor out of my world by 6:12 am. Most days aren't that bad really but thank you for your hilarious posts!

Hurray for a great husband who appreciates what you do! I love my Macbook and won't ever go back.

Also loved my Toyota Sienna. When I was young (ages ago now) and had my first child, I begged my husband for an SUV rather than a minivan. I thought a minivan would make me look as frumpy and uncool as I was feeling. He persuaded me to choose the minivan by citing the cost difference and what we could do with that money. And he was right! Once I got my first minivan (a Plymouth Voyager), I was hooked. Then with the Sienna, I was IN LOVE.

My kids are now at the age where they think a minivan is embarrassing,and we now have that (small-ish) SUV instead. But I fondly remember those minivans and their ability to fit anything and anyone inside easily. You will love one!!

But, did that young girl not ever go shopping with her mom or dad or anybody? I can understand being a little flummoxed about brown vs white eggs, but my mama taught me to check for broken eggs when I was just a see lass.

I love my minivan. And I totally had the same attitude, but then you drive it and oh, the joy. I'm serious, it's up so high and all your stuff fits and your kids can kill each other and still manage to never kick you damned seat and you are so superior to the rest of the small, car driving crowd. Okay, maybe not superior, but definitely more space-having. Heaven.