February 27, 2013

Well, actually, no, I don't. It really isn't that hard, if you think
about it for eight seconds. No, really. Go ahead. Try it. What's the
first animal that comes to mind?

No, 'cat' has an 'A'
in it. How about 'dog'? Or 'cow'? Or 'horse'? Or 'rhinoceros'? 'Tiger'?
'Lion'? What about 'Demon Stingerfish'? Or 'Proboscis Monkey', also
commonly known as the 'Long Nosed Monkey' - neither of those names have
an 'A' in them.

OK, so I'm belabouring the point. Why?
Well, if it's so childishly easy to think of an animal without an 'A' in
its name, why are there so many Facebook posts claiming you can't do
it?

You've all seen it, or one of its myriad
variations. You think about it for eight seconds, or maybe even shorter,
and realize you CAN think of one. "Me smart," you think to yourself.
"Me show them how smart me is." You click on the picture, and type,
D-O-G in the comment box, and hit 'enter.' Only then do you scan through
the other comments and notice that eight hundred and seventy six other
people have already typed 'dog' or 'cow' or 'red-tufted lemur'. And you
suddenly realize that you didn't think of it because you're a zoological
genius, but because it isn't even remotely difficult to do so.

So
now you're thinking that the person who originally posted the
'challenge' is an idiot. But they aren't. In fact, they're the smart
ones.

Here's another common one I'm sure you've all
seen: There's an interesting looking picture posted. It may even have
one of those little arrows in the center of it, denoting that it's a
video. There's some superlative comment, like, "Amazing!" And it tells
you to 'like' the picture, then type a specific word or number in as a
comment and something awesome will happen. You've done it, haven't you?
Yes, you. Don't look away. Did anything awesome happen? Did anything
happen at all? I didn't think so.

So, if thinking of an
animal without an 'A' in its name is child's play, and if absolutely
nothing at all happens when you follow the instructions and type the
prescribed comment, why do all these posts keep appearing on Facebook?

People are buying your eyes.

Every
business or corporation has a Facebook page these days. Those pages
are, let's face it, advertising. They are most effective if they are
seen by a large number of eyes. Facebook has algorithms that choose what
posts and pages you see in your newsfeed, based, in part, on how
popular those pages are. They decide how popular those pages are by
counting up how many people have liked or commented on status updates on
those pages. The more activity a page has, the more likely Facebook is
to show that page's status updates to a wider audience. So, new pages
starting out want to convince a lot of people to like and comment on a
lot of their posts right away. Some more ethical businesses might run
contests, or simply generate a lot of interesting and on-topic content
for the page. Less scrupulous businesses might look for easier ways to
get a lot of clicks quickly. And some, at the extreme lazy end of the
spectrum, would be perfectly amenable to buying an existing page that
already has an excellent 'visibility' in Facebook's algorithms, and
renaming it for their own business.

Have you ever seen a
post from 'Joe's Meats and Auto Repairs' - or whatever - and thought,
"that's funny, I don't remember ever 'liking' that page before"? Well,
Joe just bought that page with an existing fan base of tens of thousands
of geniuses who figured out that 'cow' doesn't have an 'A' in it, and
renamed it.

February 14, 2013

Weekend Assignment #151: Is Valentine's Day a genuinely romantic day? Or just a big commercial money pit into which romantic people fall? Go on, share how you really feel about the day -- whether you enjoy it, or feel like it's forced on you by greeting card companies, or fall somewhere in between those two poles.

Extra credit: Suggest a nice romantic movie.

In order to address this weekend's assignment, I did some some research on St. Valentine, and Valentine's Day. I was amused. Traditionally called St. Valentine's Day, February 14th hasn't actually been the Catholic feast day of St. Valentine for almost thirty-eight years. Today, February 14th is the liturgical feast day only of St. Cyril and St. Methodius. Why is Valentine's Day no longer St. Valentine's Day? Well, it seems that the current opinion of the church is that the most popular figures referred to as being the origin of the holy day are 'legendary' saints. That means they did not, in actuality, ever really exist. In addition, it seems that the association of Valentine's Day with love and romance is almost entirely the work of Geoffrey Chaucer, in the fourteenth century. In his Parlement of Foules, he relates the tale (couched as if it were, indeed, an old tradition) that St. Valentine's Day was the day that birds met and chose their mates. There are no earlier references to St. Valentine's Day being connected with romantic love known. But why, you ask, would birds be mating in the middle of February, in Englande of Olde? Well, I don't know if you really asked that, or not, but two points to you if you did. Them's some pretty good critical thinking skills at work. It seems that Chaucer wrote that poem to commemorate the first anniversary of the engagement of Richard II to Anne of Bohemia, which event occurred on May 2, 1381. And May 2nd, as it happens, is the Catholic liturgical feast day of another saint named Valentine, of Genoa, from the early fourth century. So all those hearts and chocolates being thrown around every February 14th are, in fact, being received on completely the wrong day. Those who read Chaucer's poem at the time naturally assumed he was talking about the St. Valentine they were most familiar with. You know, the one who never really existed. Christians are funny that way. There you are gentlemen, from me to you: an excuse you can try out the next time you forget Valentine's Day. "But honey, I was saving your gift for the real St. Valentine's Day." I don't really expect that would work, and I certainly would never try to pull it off myself, but you, when you're desperate, you'll try anything. Just remember to get her something on May 2nd, or your ass is grass, man.

So. Valentine's Day. Day of romance, or commercial blackmail? Well, both, really. I mean, when the tradition of St. Valentine's day was brought over to North America in the nineteenth century during the huge wave of British immigration that happened at that time, it took little or no time for it to catch on with enterprising merchants as a "let's make a quick buck at the expense of those poor schmucks being ruled by their testicles" opportunity. And, in fact, Hallmark Cards admits that they sell more product for Valentine's Day than any other holiday other than Christmas (you know, the liturgical feast day of another one of Catholicism's legendary figures). There is no question that the day has become little more than an occasion for retailers to hold a hammer over the heads of us poor, hormone controlled fellows. Buy flowers or sleep on the couch!

Still, as they say...um...somewhere, "might as well roll with with it." Being that it is impossible to avoid, why not embrace it? You know your wife/girlfriend/illicit adulterous mistress is expecting something romantic. So go with it. Give it a little thought. Get her something that'll really set a sparkle in her eyes. Forget about the chocolate, the flowers, the stuffed bears holding little stuffed hearts. For the love of Woden, forget about the slutty little piece of barely there lingerie you had your eye on. Think about it, damn it! Because, you know, at the end of it all, that's all they really want: to know that you're thinking about them. Remember, life's what you make it.

Life's what you make it - Talk TalkBaby, life's what you make itCan't escape itBaby, yesterday's favoriteDon't you hate itBaby, life's what you make itDon't backdate itBaby, don't try to shake itBeauty is nakedBaby, life's what you make itCelebrate itAnticipate itYesterday's fadedNothing can change itBaby, life's what you make itEverything's all right

Extra Credit: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -- Moulin Rouge.