Fantasy Football – Playground Humour XI

I was sitting watching the build up to the Manchester United game last week; the pundits were discussing possible line ups and formations and it dawned on me how close these guys must come to saying but how difficult it must be for them not to say ‘ I wonder if there’s any chance we’ll get to see Nani tonight’. Juvenile, childish, playground humour I know but it’s still funny!!

It got me thinking, as well as regressing to be eleven, of what a commentators fantasy or more likely nightmare line up would be. There are obvious choices, particularly for Celtic fans the immediate name that springs to mind is Rafael Scheidt, however that’s too easy and there have been many more Scheidt centre backs at Celtic Park since him. Danny Shittu warrants a mention but fails to make the starting line up as he’s just not up to the jobby. There is also the rumour of an Algerian midfielder from the 70’s who went by the name of Ars Bandeet, many have bent over backwards trying to find out if this is true but it seems like it’s perhaps just part of football folklore. Apparently there was a player plying his trade in Luxembourg by the name of Frank Awanka but I couldn’t be bothered spunking time away trying to get this confirmed.

So I bring you the playground humour eleven, a team that would have the opposition beat by the time the team sheets were handed out – how could any manager give any semblance of a team talk when faced with these opponents?

Quim – Currently playing with Braga but made his name between the sticks for Benfica between 2004 – 2010 winning 5 major titles with the club. He gained 32 caps for Portugal playing at the 2006 World Cup Finals and at 2 Euro Championships. As a goalkeeper he has had some hairy moments as well as a couple of flaps but has shown over the years that he is capable of taking a pounding and still coming back for more.

Waldo Ponce – The defender has beencapped 42 times for Chile and played in the 2010 World Cup Finals. Currently plays for Universidad de Chile and previously won the Argentinian Primera division with Velez Sarsfeld. Has played for many clubs but never signed on the basis of the contracts on offer, his decisions were always based on the lovely strips the team had.

Johan de Kock – Dutch internationalist who gained13 caps for The Netherlands and played at Euro 96. He won the UEFA cup in 1997 with Schalke 04 and retired from the game in 2000. Recognised as a bit of a hard man however had a reputation of being pulled all over the field.

Rod Fanni – Currently playing with Marseille and has 5 caps for France. He had previously been heavily linked with Newcastle United and would have followed a long line of Fanni’s to have played for that club if he had signed.

Chiqui Arce – 61 appearances for Paraguay. He played at 1998 & 2002 World Cup scoring against South Africa in the 2002 finals. Played most of his career in Brazil. His real name was actually Francisco but insisted on Chiqui Arce on the back of his jersey. Quit the game after getting a bit of a bum deal from his last club.

Mark de Man – Started his career at Anderlecht and gained 5 caps for Belgium. He is currently playing in Belgian Pro League with Sporting Hasselt. Simply the greatest name for a defensive midfielder ever.

Brian Pinas – Left sided Dutch midfielder. Aptly signed for Newcastle United but never made a first team appearance for the magpies. Currently playing in Holland for RVVH though currently in dispute with the club after being rubbed up the wrong way.

Stefan Kuntz – Made 449 appearances and scored 179 goals in the Bundesliga. Played for Germany 25 times scoring 6 goals, Was never on the losing side when playing for Germany and holds the German record for most caps without defeat. Played at 1994 World Cup finals and was as part of the squad that won Euro 96 scoring the equaliser against England in the semi-finals leaving Terry Venables and the whole of England cursing the German Kuntz.

Andrei Arshavin – Currently registered with Arsenal and when he put pen to paper for the Gunners he was their most expensive signing. Russian international who has gained 75 caps for his country.Came to fame while playing for Zenit St Petersburgh with whom hewon the UEFA Cup in 2008 against the now defunct Glasgow Rangers in what is widely regarded as the most one-sided football final ever due to the fact that only one team actually turned up to try to win the game.

Andre Muff – Swiss forward who gained 2 caps for his country retired in 2009 due to recurring injuries. Had a tendency to gain soft free-kicks and penalties for his team and gained a reputation as a bit of a diver.

David Goodwillie – Came to prominence with Dundee United and was widely regarded as having the capability of achieving great things in the game, then he signed for Blackburn. Has 3 caps for Scotland and scored a penalty against Spain in 2011. His career has been on the slide recently, seems like he has made a total balls of it and turned out to be a bit of a knob!

Coach : Uwe Fuchs – As a player heplayed 13 times and scored 9 goals for Middlesbrough helping them win promotion in 1995. Began coaching in 2001 with Fortuna Dusseldorf and last coached at VFL Osnabruck before leaving in 2011. Achieved practically nothing as a coach and his dismissive attitude gives the impression that he really couldn’t give a Fuchs.

The Playground Humour XI

Coach: Uwe Fuchs

Stadium: The Sports Direct Arena (it’s a much more embarrassing name than The Wankdorf Stadium)

Let us know your thoughts and predictions for the match in the comment section below or on Twitter @90MinuteCynic.

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Living proof that Thomas Jefferson was wrong when he said “all men are created equal” although considering Thomas Jefferson also said an African nation would win the World Cup before the year 2000 why should anyone listen to him? Bryan has a passion for Celtic, a love of football and a tendency to make completely absurd statements in such a way that you might actually agree with them. Follow on twitter @bryanmcmanus