Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Thursday thoughts

Hey man, hope everyone's good. I've actually long passed the 5.5k pageview mark on my blog, these little mounds of accomplishments make me smile. I do notice some new readers who tear through my old entries, much like how I did when I first chanced upon blogs of similar guys going through their coming out phases. These blogs form some kind of inner sanctum I guess, a quiet microcosm of sprawling thoughts and meandering guesses and second guesses, steps-forward and steps-backward, in what goes on in the head of a young newly out gay man.

There is hardly any advice I can give to people out there reading this. Taking stock of my five months so far since I wrote my first entry here and told my first person ever, I realize I have changed so much. I am a lot more at ease with myself now. I used to walk around looking down at the ground quite a lot, now I ignore all the girls (except the head-turners) and check out all the dudes. Part of this confidence definitely comes also from working out, since I was always very shy about how scrawny I was.

I'm also closer than ever to my parents. Sure we fight a lot, but now I share so many more things with them. I'm also closer than ever to my friends. I am almost 100% positive that so far the 25-ish people that I've told has not divulged my "secret" to anyone else, although each one of them acknowledges the fact that it's not really a secret per se, since there is nothing to be ashamed about. It's just none of their business really to talk about me.

There is so much in life to look forward to, like action movies, Olympic divers in Speedos, and watching Animal Planet while stoned. Sure, if your job sucks, half your life sucks, but the other half doesn't necessarily have to suck too. And sure, I've met so many ups and downs this year, especially with the rollercoaster on-off undefined romance with S, but I've learned how to surround myself with positive energy, I learned how to love, how to let go (this one was obviously a motherfucking bitch to learn), how to pick myself up and how to slowly become a better and more confident person. I'm bad with this whole talking about how I've taken for granted how awesome my life is so far kind of shit, but I hope you get my drift, that I think it'll probably turn out okay for you too.

I don't know why I wrote all that, because maybe if you're reading this, your life's already sorted out. But I still kinda want to write this all out. I was so afraid the world would reject me the moment I told the world that I'm gay. But what I've realized is, I don't have to tell the world. I only need to tell my close friends, or friends that I know are open-minded about stuff like this. And the world hasn't rejected me since I've told myself and others that I'm gay. The fortunate thing about people like me are, I guess, is that we aren't stereotypically gay. So I go about most of my life with most of the people around me assuming that I'm straight. And I'm fine with it. Sure, the occasional faggot jokes (like my coworkers dissing each other) kinda piss me off, but whatever really. I'm pretty sure soon I'll get even more comfortable with myself to actually say something when someone cracks a faggot joke and be like "HAH! THAT'S FUNNY, COS I'M ACTUALLY A FAGGOT TOO!" and enjoy the awkward silence. So far, only one dude has not talked to me after I told him about myself. He's this really hardcore Christian dude from my Recruit Training days in the army. No loss really, I hardly talk to him anyway.

On to other things. I was totally propositioned by some dude in the steam room after I went to the gym during lunch break. He first put his leg up on the bench, and I could almostttt see his package, but the steam kinda made it hard to see anything. I kept throwing furtive glances. Then he walked over to my side, and I could see that he had a hard-on. I was so turned on. He kept doing provocative stretches, like stretching his arms above his head and I could see his abs tighten and the treasure trail to his pulsating dick was incredibly inviting. I took one glance at his face and then never looked at it again hahahaa, man the dude was not attractive. But he had the body of an Asian god. He came over to my side again, his back facing me, and he took his towel off and I could see his whole butt and I got hard. Hahaha. Then he started wriggling his toe up against mine, and I kinda reciprocated, and then he sat down right beside me, spread his legs open and grazed his leg against mine. I was about to reach over and just grab his dick since I was so horny by then, but this dude came in, and the guy bitched out and left immediately. I was gutted. GUTTED. Yeah. I can use British slang too. What bollocks really!!! Dude's body was incredibly hot and drool-worthy hrrrrngggghhhhh

I really like checking out dudes at the gym. I don't see any harm in it. I don't do it long enough for people to think I'm creepy, and most of the time I make it look like I'm trying to look at their form and the exercises that they're doing while pretending to be a blustering gym noob tryna mimic the exercises and stuff. But dayyum, I am beginning to like checking out butts. There is just something so squeezable about them?? Idk dude. I've never thought much about butts but ass is getting me riled up these days. I still think buttholes are nasty though.

One of my best friends, the first guy I ever came out to, is gonna leave for India next Tuesday to start with his new job at an investment bank. Guy is nuts to wanna work in India but I'm going to miss him, even though I haven't seen him much since the missus has stolen him from the wolfpack, but I'll be having dinner with him tonight so yeah. I'll miss that fool.

4 comments:

The Cheeky King is back to his old self, that's good. The experiences, good and bad broaden your horizons and perspective.

When I was similar your age, I was quite conservative (fiscally and socially) because I wasn't exposed to much of the world yet. But as I gained more life experience, I find myself becoming more liberally minded, open to new thing and people. I know others who were my classmates, that were open when younger but as they got to know more of the world, they got more conservative, narrow in their thinking. Religion had a lot of do with it. It's weird how some people turn out.

It's very true that when you accept yourself, you open up to the possibilities more than staying isolated and afraid. You got the freedom to be you, so go for it.