"Finally, I suspect that it is by entering that deep place inside us where our secrets are kept that we come perhaps closer than we do anywhere else to the One who, whether we realize it or not, is of all our secrets the most telling and the most precious we have to tell." Frederick Buechner

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"If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a Hope-er, a Pray-er, a Magic Bean buyer; if you're a pretender, come sit by my fire. For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!" -- Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Almost Human

I posted this last night on my FB page, after F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. returning home from a horrendous, horrific, gawdawful experience in air transportation from the airport in Philadelphia to LAX.

One of my friends describes such experiences as the "high tech version of the Bataan Death March".

That's it. Exactly.

It wasn't just the results of the snow storm that hit the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic, although I'm sure that didn't help.

I was flying United Air. As one of my FB friends said, the unofficial slogan of the United Flight Attendants is, "We're not happy until we make you unhappy."

They weren't rude. They didn't do anything bad. They just didn't do anything more than whatever they were absolutely required to do.

Apparently, smiling and being pleasant is not required.

The passengers whose flight had been delayed and were bumped again and again were more pleasant and human than the United Air flight attendants and ticket and baggage people. Sheesh!

These United Air flight attendants were NOT on my flight

There was this one moment of levity, however, that almost escaped my memory banks.

I recovered it while sitting in my very own comfortable chair in my very own warm, wonderful home (which weathered the storm well - the yard, however, not so much - but that's another story for another day), preparing to sleep in my very own wonderful bed.

I don't want to lose the story again, so here it is:

So,
despite my grumbling about the horrors of my most recent experience
with air transportation, there was a moment which, as I reflect on it,
was a real bright spot that needs to be lifted up and shared.

I
got through the long, winding cattle line through ticket and ID
processing and to the process that has become mind-numbingly familiar
and yet still mildly annoying.

I took off my shoes, emptied my pockets,
stepped into the full body scan, placed my feet on the little yellow
outline of feet on the floor, raised my arms over my head the way the
picture instructed me to do and stood still for the 30 whole seconds
they tell you it's going to take to make sure you don't have any hidden
explosives or sharp objects or other weaponry hidden in your body.

As I stepped out of the scan, a young female TSA agent motioned me to
please step aside, saying that I needed a body pat down. She was polite
but perfunctory, a bit harried and hassled for 8 AM.

She didn't need the
extra work any more than I needed a delay.

She asked me if I minded her
doing the pat down publicly or if I wanted to go someplace more
private. I told her it was fine to do it right there but asked why she
needed to do it.

"You have a groin abnormality," she said.

"A groin abnormality?" I asked, alarmed.

"You mean," my voice rising,
"there's an abnormality in my groin?" (It was 8 AM. I had been up since 4
AM) "You saw that on the scan?" I almost yelled.

"Do we need to call a
doctor or a gynecologist or something?" I asked.

She patted the place on my
inner thigh where the dime-sized abnormality was and - sonofagun - there
it was! A dime! Apparently, it had slipped through a small hole in the
seam of my pocket and had lodged itself in the inseam of my pants.

We laughed and laughed and laughed. So hard. Some of her coworkers
started giving us the hairy eyeball. I looked at them and said,

"It's
okay. I've just found a new gynecologist! And," I said, boldly putting my hand
down my pants and pulling out the dime, "it only cost me a dime."

And, we laughed some more.

Then, she had to check my hands with some chemicals - all part of the
procedure - and then we shook hands. "You don't want to be late," she
called after me as she helped me put on my sweater and shoes.

Nice thought. Turns out my flight was delayed an hour and 45 minutes.

We
had already pulled away from the gate and were on the tarmac. Some AC
light went on for no apparent reason and they couldn't get it to turn
off so they couldn't take off until it was fixed or checked out.

Or, something.

Meanwhile, I sat in that very cramped space, in that most uncomfortable
seat, breathing the increasingly stale, re-circulated air of other
people, watching the continuous loop of commercials for the "Direct TV" I
could purchase for $7.99 on the tiny screen in front of me.

My
recent experience with air transportation sucked all the humor out of my
body. And seriously lowered my assessment of the human race. Including
my own role in it.

2 comments:

JCF
said...

Funny story!

Hey Elizabeth (this is off-topic): I remember your strong feelings about the Democratic Primary 8 years ago (FWIW, we were on opposite sides then: I supported Obama). I wonder if you have any take on this year's primary season? [Ironically, I strongly support Clinton this time around, and feel deeply uneasy about the surge of "Feel the Bern"]. If you're with Hillary again, perhaps you could say why you think this is "happening again". Or if you're w/ Bernie, you could say how things are DIFFERENT from '08! At any rate, I would love to hear your take...

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I am a joyful Christian who claims the fullness of the Anglican tradition of being evangelical, Anglo-Catholic, charismatic, orthodox and radical. Since 1991, my canonical residence has been the Diocese of Newark, where I was a member of the Women's Commission (since 1993), the Department of Missions (2 terms), The Commission on Ministry (1 term), The Standing Committee (4 years, one as President). I served as an elected Deputy to General Convention in 2000, 2003, and 2006. I have served as a board member of Integrity, USA, and as a founding member of Claiming The Blessing. I am national Convener of The Episcopal Women's Caucus, and am now member of the national board of RCRC. I attended the Lambeth Conference in 1998 and 2008 representing EWC. I graduated in May 2008 from Drew with my doctorate in Pastoral Care and Counseling and was Proctor Fellow at EDS, Spring Semester 2011. I am a GOE reader. I consult and counsel at Canterbury Pastoral Care Center in Harbeson, DE.

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