Down Time

How to Get Better at Being Underwater

It’s really hot out. Makes you think of last winter when you said, “I wish it were really hot out.”
But now you don’t wish that. You wish you were underwater using these five magnificently unnecessary toys.
You do. You wish that.

FOR SWIMMING WHILE MAYBE AIR GUITARING

An iPod to Wreck-Dive With

You Require: A personalized soundtrack for going full Cousteau on a sunken New England
shipwreck.You’ll Receive: A 2GB iPod shuffle that’s waterproofed inside and out so you can attach
it to your mask and investigate ghostly hulls 200 feet below (yes, it works that deep). Bonus points for
playing “Under the Sea” under the sea.

This Mask Sees What You See

You Require: Videoing the final frontier as you see it. Which, turns out, is through a
diving mask.You’ll Receive: Pristine footage of exotic reefs (or, like, a clean NH lake) in HD from a
special cyclopean camera mounted to your mask. Good thing it’s acceptable to look stupid underwater.

Wetsuits That Look Like Tuxedos

You Require: A wetsuit that doesn’t scream, “Hey, I’m in a boring wetsuit.”You’ll Receive: A paragon of custom neoprene wetsuits designed to look like anything from
a tuxedo to Batman’s getup. They’ll even make you a custom one. Go with a giraffe suit. Haddocks hate
giraffes.

Your Underwater Vespa Is a Fan

You Require: That “wheeeee” feeling in an oxygen-free environment.You’ll Receive: Something that’s a cross between a common house fan and one of those
things Navy SEALs use when torpedoing toward a hot zone. Top speed: 3.75 mph. It’s this or stealing a
dolphin from SeaWorld.

Oh, Just an Underwater Pogo Stick

You Require: Something incredibly necessary.You’ll Receive: That. In the form of an underwater pogo stick that uses a water-filled
ball underneath the foot pedals to let you bounce through shallow waters. Ideally surrounded by nobody over
the age of 11. Twelve, tops.