*Quick note: this entire section is written with the help from the good people at Rippin H2O who helped me learn the absurd lexicon of the surfer.

All right brah, here’s the deal brah, this little kid is out watching heavies too close, pulls a kali and gets completely rag dolled. Along comes this grey who saves this squid and they end up forming their own two-man tribe. The little dude wants to do some carving of his own and who better to teach him than this senior? So the little brah grows up, and since he’s only got a Pula Kahula of a mom (Elisabeth Shue), no dad in the picture, he’s looking to this older brah (Gerard Butler) for fierce guidance from the swamy.

See there’re these things called mavericks and they are f@#$ing nar nar. Little brah is sick of navigating the speedbumps and wants to score a fierce big mama. But older brah is worried about little brah getting fat shacked so they start doing a Daniel San/Mr. Miyagi thing. (Shue knows all about this) They go through all the master-grasshopper paces to get ready for the crunchers. Oh and also, little brah is trying to get with a Aliham and she’s no swamp donkey, believe me. They want you to think this movie is going to be boglius, completely boss. But really, this fibro flick looks pretty lamo, nitchen and dare I say, weak sauce.

Anyone else exhausted? I know I am. Curtis Hanson (Lucky You-29% 8 Mile-76%) directs this thing, and I think the stinker potential is very, very high. It’s got all the hallmarks of a contrived disaster with cheesy music, retread storyline, and dialogue that sounds like it comes from the “inspirational movie” factory. Example: “When you get a chance to change everything...take it.” and “This is about more than just surfing...it’s about choices you make in life.” What are the opposite of chills? Those are what I’m getting right now. Bottom line: this movie looks completely bogus.The Rotten Watch for Chasing Mavericks is 15%