5 Reasons Why Zombies Would Fail at Causing Apocalypse​

3. Zombies Can’t Drive Tanks, We Can.

AKA:

3. We Have a Military.

We have a fucking military. Every country has a military. This argument alone kills any potential zombie apocalypse dead, immediately. We have over 1,000,000 men and women in the US military trained to fight smart, strategic, human enemies who can think and plan battles and lace-up their boots and conjure ways to avoid bullets to the face. We have thousands of zombie-proof military vehicles/death-machines at our disposal. What makes you think our military can’t contain a mindless, diseased mob, bleeding and falling and shitting all over themselves? Not only is our military effective against any and all cognizant enemies it has encountered so far, but, more relevantly, they are also trained in and efficient at containing riots. This will be extremely useful when they’re up against a much slower and more mindless mob than they are used to, one that also cannot lob grenades and Molotov Cocktails at them. Militaries also have training in biological warfare and many, like ours have knife-proof armor that zombies can’t bite through. And let’s not forget local law enforcement, also trained to contain riots. Hell, even animal control officers are specially trained in not letting things bite them, and I’m sure they could aim a real gun as well as a tranq gun if they had to, which they now would. But I digress. Anyway, if you think our military and other armed authorities can’t handle zombies, then congratulations, you’re a dumbass, and I apologize to our military on your behalf for your lack of confidence.

2. We Can Stop Letting Zombies Bite Us

Yes, the zombie virus is worse than deadly; it turns your friends and family members into walking corpses that try to eat you. But according to movies/popular zombie theory, the disease is only spread by biting and scratching, that is, letting them get close enough and deciding not to pull away when they try to bite you. To reiterate, in order for you to catch the zombie virus, you have to purposely decide against your natural instinct not to let a horrifying, walking corpse near you, and then purposely decide against your natural instinct not to let something bite a piece out of your arm. And, though there’s no good reason anyone would ever let either of those 2 things happen, there is a good reason why the disease must be spread by biting. You see, if so deadly a disease was airborne like the flu or spread by touching infected doorknobs and forgetting to wash your hands before you eat like the common cold, the movie, I mean, the world would be over in a very short period of time without any possible defense or counter-measure. And there’s no point in contemplating a doom we can’t do anything about. So our only logical option for zombie apocalypse-preparation/filmmaking is to give our zombie virus a handicap that causes it to spread much more slowly and difficultly. Thus, it is generally portrayed that the zombie virus can only be contracted by bites or scratches by the infected, which is exactly how real-life diseases, like rabies, do not turn into pandemics. People may be stupid, but not when it comes to self-preservation. In fact, most of our stupidity and inhumanity stems from our self-preservation, which is probably what zombies (violently, mindlessly consuming everything to feed an insatiable hunger) are a metaphor of in the first place… Woah! Here’s what happens in real life when an extremely deadly, newly-discovered disease is spread only by biting:

Day 1.

After the first generation of the virus, that is, the original person or group of probably scientists in a bio-weapons lab are infected and fully converted to zombies— assuming that they get out into the streets and are not trapped in the building by their inability to open doors until they rot and fall apart— there will be a sharp increase in “mysterious biting incidents”, mostly among little old ladies who approach poor, sick, limping individuals in lab-coats to ask if they’re okay but aren’t strong enough to pull away when attacked.

Day 2.

These isolated “biting incidents” will have obviously gained the notice of the local police department who, being trained in detaining crazies without being bitten, will have, also obviously, arrested these “biters” since they are too slow and stupid to run away. After about 3-5 of these episodes, dispatch will (again, obviously) have noticed the trend, and a warning goes out via the story-hungry news media, instructing us all to not let strangers bite us. Dispatch now has just enough time to get to McDonald’s before they stop serving breakfast McMuffins for the morning, if he leaves right now. But first, he figures he should let the Chief know that the obviously diseased guy in cell 5 is obviously diseased. “Yes, obviously,” replies the Chief. “We isolated him and tested his blood when he came in last night looking diseased and crazy. We have no idea what he’s got, so I’ve contacted the local Health Department. They should be here in an hour. You know, health and safety first! Oh, and can you pick me up 5 Sausage McBiscuits with Egg while you’re out?” (Note: if these “biters” really are true zombies [actual, walking corpses: no heartbeat, coagulated blood, etc.], then at this point, or actually, last night, upon attempting to draw blood from cell 5’s “biter,” the police would have realized that these “biters” are no longer alive, but the walking dead and, upon noticing the victims are infected as well, a hysterical, and yet, effectively self-preserving terror will grip the nation, then the world, and a worldwide warning will be issued immediately with instructions of not letting strangers bite you, and the 5 people dumb enough to have already let strangers bite them would be detained by the end of Day 2, Day 3 at the latest, completely stopping the zombie outbreak dead in its tracks in 3 days flat, leaving only the awkward matter of how to dispose of the infected to deal with. And the above conversation with the Chief will never have happened. For any other deadly, “zombie-like” disease, please continue.) After breakfast and some investigation, but before lunch, the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) will have noticed the obvious change in previously normal people who have all developed identical symptoms of limping, groaning, and biting people, and they immediately get the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and Dustin Hoffman (CDCDH) involved.

At this point, the news will have already warned us of strange, limping, biting people as well as a possible disease warning, which will result in a significant decrease in letting strangers bite us. Additionally, the CDCDH will have discovered that some new disease is present in the biters and the victims and a second public warning will go out via the Emergency Alert System on your TV, reiterating how important it is to not let strangers bite you. Anyone who was previously “on the fence” about letting strangers bite them will now have strong conviction against letting strangers bite them. Lastly, at the instruction of the CDCDH, the police will have rounded up all 5 dumb bite-victims and probably all the “biters” who would be slowly hobbling through town trying to bite people in the middle of the day, but are too slow to catch up with them and too stupid to avoid banana peels and other tripping hazards.

A complication… the virus has become airborne!!! I’m kidding! The CDCDH has totally got this. The one-and-a-half people who are selfishly keeping their zombie bites a secret will be ratted out by the frightened public before the end of the week, meaning the outbreak has been successfully stopped in under a week. The infected will be contained and likely grouped together if they survive long enough while the CDCDH attempts to find a cure, and, eventually, either a cure is found or the infected likely die. If the infected are true zombies, then families of the infected will be asked to allow the CDCDH to “pull the plug” and dispose of them or else they literally rot in a cell until they are skeletonized in a few months.

So there you go, proof of how a zombie outbreak would be stopped in 4 days or less by Dustin Hoffman. Also, self-preservation would pretty much take care of most of it, which almost appropriately segues into: