1. Heroic Former Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton Bravely Faces Down Projectile Shoe

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Hillary Clinton was nearly hit with a flying shoe yesterday while speaking before a convention audience in Las Vegas. "What was that, a bat?" Clinton asked the stunned crowd. "Is that somebody throwing something at me? Is that part of Cirque du Soleil?" The woman who threw the shoe—who is neither a flying mammal nor an employee of Cirque du Soleil—was taken into custody and is currently facing criminal charges.

The National Shoe Association says this cowardly attack on Hillary Clinton could've been avoided if everyone else had been carrying shoes.

2. Stephen Colbert To Stop Pretending To Be Stephen Colbert On 'The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'

Comedy Central fake-news host Stephen Colbert will apparently be leaving the mock conservative character he plays on The Colbert Report behind when he takes David Letterman's spot on The Late Show next year. Instead, he will adopt the persona of a person who gives a shit about whatever Jason Bateman's newest project is. Colbert made a winking reference to the big news during last night's show: