John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

At six weeks after the death of your spouse, we wouldn't consider your feelings of sadness to be self-absorption. (Published 10/2/2012)

Q:

My husband died 6 weeks ago after an illness of 2 months (cancer) at the age of 59. I am trying to figure out what to do with myself, to get me away from myself and absorbed in helping others who may or may not be in a similar circumstance, but are having some very trying times.

Grief comes in many forms. My constant absorption with myself and my feelings of sadness have become very tiresome and depressing. I am an artist and financially independent. Any ideas at this point would be appreciated. Thank you.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your note.

Let us express this as graciously as we can:

At six weeks after the death of your spouse, we would not consider your feelings of sadness to be self-absorption.

In fact, we would say that for the most part, it is well within the range of normal and natural to be be having that experience.

We would also say that the raw grief of adapting to a new, painful, [and assumedly unwanted] reality is a difficult and exhausting experience.

Rather than fighting the feelings and labeling them as you have, we suggest you confront them straight up. As cliché as this might sound, you can’t go over, under, or around your feelings, you have to go through them.

With that in mind, we do not recommend that grieving people try to help other grievers as a way of distracting themselves from their own feelings.

We do suggest that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook – available in most libraries and book stores. As you read it you’ll discover a thing we call STERBs – which stands for Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors.

STERBs are the things people do in an attempt to deal with the sometimes overwhelming emotions connected to grief. But STERBS do not address the unfinished emotional business that is attached to our relationships with people who have died.

The Grief Recovery Handbook will guide you in the actions that will help you feel more complete, and in turn, the sadness and excess energy will diminish.