Monty Python Scripts

Bus Conductor Sketch

The cast:

MR. MAN

Eric Idle

R.S.M.

Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Sketch continues on from 'Mary Recruitment Office'. Cut to a
bus set. There is a very bad backcloth of the interior of the top
deck of a bus. It looks like the set for a rather tatty revue. On
the cut Mr. Man is standing in exactly the same place as he was - so
that it looks as if the scene has changed around him. The RSM
appears from one side. He is still dressed basically as an RSM but
has a few bus conductor , things such as a ticket machine, money
satchel and a big arrow through his neck. He talks like a music-hall
comedian.)

RSM: Any more fires please? I've got a chauffeur and every
time I go to the lavatory he drives me potty! Boom-boom! One in a
row (sings) I'm not unusual. I'm just...

Mr. Man: Fivepenny please.

RSM: Five beautiful pennies going in to the bag... and you
are the lucky · winner of... one fivepenny ticket! (hands him a
ticket) What's the Welshman doing under the bed? He's having a
leak! Oh they're all in here tonight. (brief film dip of audience
laughing)

Mr. Man: Look!

RSM: I am looking - it's the only way I keep my eyelids
apart! Boom-boom! Every one a Maserati!

Mr. Man: Look! You said I was going to be a funny
passenger.

RSM:(snapping out of music-hall manner) What do
you mean?

Mr. Man: I mean, all I said was, fivepenny please, You
can't call that a funny line.

RSM: Well it's the way you said it.

Mr. Man: No it isn't. Nobody can say 'fivepenny please'
and make it funny.