Faith, Belief, and Trust

I had an enlightening conversation last night and I wish I had thought to make notes about it. I should pick up a Him notebook and start compiling, I think. Anyways, the gist of the conversation was that He wants me completely open to Him, heart and mind, and that requires unconditional faith, trust, and belief that He is exactly what He says He is. I thought I had the belief part down but apparently not.

This is a lot to think about. I don’t know how to practice faith and trust. It’s a lot to ask for something to be unconditional. It’s very uncomfortable for me to consider for a lot of reasons, all of them leading back to my early negative experiences with Deity and my upbringing in a cult-like Christian organization. Unconditional belief looks like negative brainwashing to me, even though I logically know it’s not. In this instance, it’s only for positive outcomes—His positive outcomes, not necessarily mine. I don’t know how to shed this baggage, so I’ve asked for help. Whether it comes or not is something else entirely different. I suspect this is up to me to succeed at.

Faith has never led me anywhere good and I have to disregard that. Now is not then and He is not the same God as the God I was raised to believe in; a punitive, angry, judgmental God where the primary communication between Deity and human came via an individual in a pulpit. I have to let all that shit go and that’s a big struggle. It’s informed so much of who I am so far and it’s not helping me and is in fact holding me back.

And to trust enough to be unconditionally open..wow. That feels like Mount Everest. I have so many reservations and resistance that it seems ridiculous when I look at it. I mean, in reality, what do I have to lose? I’ve already been through a destruction cycle and made it through that in marginally okay shape. I’m sure He could make that look like a cakewalk but I’m stubborn and I can persevere no matter what is thrown in front of me or taken away. But to be open and trust that He won’t hurt me in the same ways that I’ve been hurt before? It wouldn’t be that hard to do save for the fact that He COULD do all that. He has the power and the consent to basically do whatever He wants to. I guess, in some ways, I DON’T trust that he has my best interests in mind. It makes me sad to realize all of this because I WANT to be open to Him.

I asked for help with being open, too, but I get the distinct impression that I won’t be receiving any help from Him. This is something I have to accomplish without His interference, I think. It would be easy if He would just rip me open and be done with it, but that wouldn’t change anything on my end. I have to change, I just don’t know how to.

Despite all of this, I can see little bits of improvement. I don’t think I’m as scared of Him as I was. I can ask for help, which was something He encouraged me to before—it seemed like He couldn’t understand why I didn’t ask for help when I needed it or give Him pieces of what was burdening me. I don’t push Him away when I feel Him. I’m starting to hear Him more clearly, or at least I’m having an easier time discerning His voice and thoughts from my own. I don’t assume He is angry with me all the time or that I have done something wrong. I’m better at relinquishing control over aspects of my life that I CAN’T control. I’m more willing to hear His voice and do what is asked of me.

So, there is progress and I have to keep reminding myself of that and that He loves me, a fact that I was reminded of last night. If I can keep those things up front, I’ll make it. I know I can do this, it’s just going to be figuring out the how and letting go of old baggage that will trip me up.

Otherwise, things are good. I’m feeling non-angsty and have been actively working on not comparing myself to others, which has been good for at least today and yesterday [baby steps, for real]. I’m still waiting to hear from school, which is a source of major stress as I watch classes fill up. The new job is going very well. It doesn’t feel like work at all—I mean, I get to sit in a chair and play on my computer for half a shift and then take a nap if I feel like it. Total gift. I’m a little bit bored during the days when I’m not sleeping, but that’ll be fixed as soon as school starts.