New year, new us! No longer is Tab full of rage, he's committed himself to a life of zen, and has sworn a vow of silence. On the other hand, Tim the Handlebreaker has taken his collection of broken handles and is putting them to good use. If you find yourself without a handle, there's only one man to call: Tim the Handlegiver. Join these two renewed men as they deliver deep into the world of incredible celebrity near-death experiences and:

Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Let's get away from electricity and central air, and rough it. We'll live like our caveman ancestors did. We'll relive their nomadic ways before the wheel, we'll climb this mountain or trail for......some reason. Why? Just… why? We invented all these niceties for a reason, and you just wanna ignore them for the hell of it? To eat granola bars and wear boots? To earn a merit badge and eat Wolf chili from a can? To get a tick on your taint and a mosquito bump every few inches? To get mauled by a cougar and have to cut your own arm off? Just download the hottest new survival game on Steam. Trust me, there’s plenty.

Hearing the phrase “a new 8K scan from the original negative” gets me rock hard like almost nothing else can. The way to deflate it? Motion smoothing. Additional CGI. Digital noise reduction. Aaaaaaaand it’s gone. Look, once you get the “bug” of being able to see this stuff, it’s more a curse than a gift. No one else in my household could tell that motion smoothing was happening and I died a little bit on the inside. Banding? What’s that? Poor color space? I don’t know what that is. Bad upscaling? Something’s wrong with the TV. Sigh.

Lieutenant, we need you to come back in. Your old nemesis is back and you’re the only one that can stop him. Ahh. Retired heroes. The trope to start all great action movies. You thought he was out of the military/government agency/shadow ops squad/paramilitary assassination group/illuminati, but they’ve got to bring him in one last time, and now it's personal. Why does it work? 2 things. Quick character history. He’s retired? That means he was good enough at what he did to do it a long time. Then, carte blanche to kill any and everyone. It’s bad enough they had to drag him out of retirement, but then there’s that extra push. Dead dog, dead wife, kidnapped daughter. As soon as that happens, he could bomb a nursery and you would still be rooting for him.

Speaking of nurseries, please, for the love of the god I don’t believe in, leave your kids there and don’t take them out to restaurants. You want to go out? Get a sitter. Can’t afford one? Then you can’t afford to go out either. Can’t find one in time? Tough luck. Pick up your phone and use Grubhub or Ubereats or what have you and eat in. Where people can’t hear your baby cry. Or, buy me an appetizer. Deal? You buy me an appetizer, and your kid gets one good cry. He does it again? Entree. Third time? Kid gets a punt in the head. Or you do. Either one’s fine with me.

All this and more on this brand spankin’ new 2019 episode! Voicemails! Voting! Dolphins! Don’t forget to check out our PATREON and DISCORD for more porpoise-related humor.