I have been a long time on-again-off-again JDater®. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong this time around. I obviously have not found true love but in the past, I have gotten to email, IM and meet lots of candidates. Now, I am constantly getting refusals to even IM?! Why don’t any of the guys want to IM? It’s not like I said something and they discontinue the conversation. They won’t even give me a chance?!?!? Any suggestions??

Dear I’m Hating IM,

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people think they are getting rejected by someone via Instant Messenger when in actuality they are IMing someone who either isn’t at their computer, doesn’t know IM exists or how IM works, may be at work, may not have the necessary Flash program downloaded on their computer, or may be logged on to JDate but not have the screen up and therefore do not hear or see that they have an IM waiting for them. In other words, don’t fret. Instead, utilize the other JDate tools to let someone know you’re interested or to make contact: repeatedly view profiles, Hot List, Flirt, Click! and send e-mails. Don’t stop trying to make contact via IM, but don’t become a stalker and continue trying to make contact with someone who isn’t responding just in case they are getting your IMs and simply aren’t interested. Good luck!

Author Tom Robbins may have said best, “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” This became the topic of conversation as me and the girls dined at Barbuta, a hip West Village Italian restaurant. As the Prosecco continued to pour, and the laughter rolled, the girls and I debated the virtues and denials of settling, compromising and soul mates. I’m as sappy, romantic, fairytale believing as it gets… yet I have come to believe that there is no such thing as a soul mate…like Tom Robbins, I view it as a creation. Something that develops with time through the years and several people could actually fill the role. Blasphemy to some I imagine.

Our evening became more intriguing as 2 charming Italians visiting from Barcelona joined our table to give their views. As most people know, Europeans know how to live better, take more vacations, are less inhibited and are born with the intangible joie de vivre that I envy. Let’s just say their views were a little less traditional and a lot more exciting.

I try to keep an open mind, but I think too often we become accustomed to what we think we should fall for and often overlook real quality partners who could potentially develop into the soul mate we’ve always wanted. Perhaps the end game may not be the fairytale you originally imagined but perhaps when it is all said and done, it is better than ever before.

How do you know when there is interest on both sides? Also, if someone puts me on their Hot List, does that mean they think I’m hot? I’m new and need help learning. Heeeeelllllllllpppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear JDate Newbie,

There are a few ways to tell if someone is interested in you. First, log on everyday and view the profiles of the guys that match your preferences, then check “who’s viewed you” to see who has checked you out. If the same person keeps checking you out every day, then that’s a pretty good sign that he or she is interested.

Next, Hot List those who you want to know that you are interested, and see who has Hot Listed you. Does it mean they think you’re hot? For lack of a better term, yes. It means they like your photos and profile and want to keep an eye on you and let you know they are into you. Utilize the “Click!” feature and click “Yes” and hope the other person does the same. That’s how you get results (JDate won’t tell you if one person clicked “No,” only if both clicked “Yes”)!

At this point, if you don’t want to make direct contact, you can also just send a Flirt. Eventually though, one of you needs to write the other person an email or even an Instant Message if you are both online at the same time. If you really want to meet someone, then don’t hide that you’re online. Log on everyday and have a paid membership so you can utilize all the perks. Good luck!

Naturally, we are drawn to a specific physical look: either the dark haired exotic look or the California blond. And a specific persona as well: Either the charismatic charmer or perhaps the more aloof, mysterious type. If we date our specific type time and time again and it doesn’t work…what does that tell us? No doubt familiarity breeds comfort but I believe it was Albert Einstein who told us “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. A friend told me that when he decided his then girlfriend would be his future wife that she was everything he needed but not what he “thought” he wanted. She didn’t fit the list. She was 3 years older and not what he imagined. But bottom line, she elevated him to becoming a better self, she made him smile and life was good. Enough said.

With the ability to continuously click, cyber dating perpetuates the list mentality. I’m at fault here. There definitely need to be some basic fundamental similarities such as the desire (or lack of) to have children, similar religious commitments and lifestyles, and the like. But putting that aside means not going on a date with someone who is bald when you preferred thick curly hair or a woman who is several years older than your 30 year old cut off really serving you the best outcome. Sometimes finding what you need can come in mysterious packages. All I’m saying (note to self) is keep an open mind, you may be wonderfully surprised.

I am so incredibly puzzled. I have gone on numerous dates that all seem really great. They’d last an average of 2-3 hours for dinner. My photos are completely accurate and updated. In fact, I am often thanked for being so honest. I am 48 and look much younger (and awkward to say about myself, but I am considered very attractive). I have teens and am dating men around the same age as me. I have been completely puzzled because I am not being called for second dates by those I would like to have a second date with. One recently texted 30 minutes after the date to say he had a great time…and then no follow up. I am really confused and feel like shelving dating.

Dear Ready to Give Up,

Don’t shelf dating just yet. I look at this from a “so far, so good” perspective: you obviously have good photos (and look like them!), you have a lot of life left to live and the men are spending a pretty big chunk of their time with you. If you remember dating the first time around, you’ll recall it wasn’t easy then either. And now you’re bringing age, experience, kids, and all the pluses and minuses that come with that to the table — and probably so are the men you’re dating. So what’s the problem? Why aren’t you getting 2nd dates?

I think what you have to look at are the conversations you’re having on the dates: are you talking about yourself and asking questions about your date? Or, are you commiserating about your past relationships, the stress of having teenagers and so forth? Although these topics may seem like bonding conversations and you may think that by putting all your cards on the table the man will know what he’s getting into, these topics also have negative connotations and may not leave a man thinking he’s had a great time. Instead, he may think he’s left a therapy session.

Once you meet someone you like you’ll each have plenty of time to discuss your past, but right now you should be talking about upbeat, positive subjects. What interests and hobbies do you have in common? Play Jewish Geography (but don’t talk badly about anyone, that’s bad karma). Talk about what you’re both looking for in the future. I believe if you stick to these topics on 1st dates you will start landing some 2nd dates. Just don’t give up, it will happen! Good luck!

About 7 months ago my husband admitted to me that that “he didn’t think he wanted to be married to me for the next 20 or 30 years.” We’ve been married 18 years with 3 beautiful teenagers who were the focus of our marriage. He moved out 6 weeks ago and we’re at the beginning stages of a divorce.

So I’ve been betrayed, and rejected, and now my family needs to find a new normal. I want to date now even though people say it’s too early, but I’m lonely and want to do things with someone. So I signed up for JDate but I don’t know how to proceed. All I know is I don’t plan on or want to talk about my divorce while on a date. Any advice?

Dear Divorced & Dejected,

Whew! You have had a heckuva ride these past few months. It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do but I can understand your need to be with someone… you haven’t been alone in 18 years! On one hand I think some real alone time will do you some good and on the other hand I think some real fun rebound dates where you’re made to feel wanted and gorgeous is good for the soul as well.

My advice to you regarding JDate is this: select divorced in the “current relationship status” box and under “what type of relationship are you looking for?” you should check “an activity partner,” “a date” and “a friend.” At this point you don’t need to go anywhere near the relationship or marriage categories. And in your “About Me” paragraph simply put that you are looking for fun, distraction and nothing serious as your marriage recently ended and leave it at that. You say you don’t want to talk about it with a date, so don’t. And once you go on dates, and they ask about your marriage (because they will), simply tell your date that at this point you don’t want to talk about the past or anything negative, and that you just want to get to know him and have fun. Most of the guys you will be going out with are also going to be divorced and probably don’t want to think about their ex-wives either!

Give it some time but in the meantime, allow yourself to discover the new, independent you! Good luck!

It was a glorious weekend, taking a stroll on the upper west side to meet the girls at our favorite Sunday brunch place Isabella’s, very “sex and the city” as we toasted with our Bellini’s. As I was walking, I locked eyes with a good-looking gentleman who waved hello. He looked familiar but I could not place how I knew him. I definitely did not know his name and I definitely had not gone on a date with him. After racking my brain, I realized we had actually never met. We only knew each other through cyber space and recognized each other from our photos. How strange it is to recognize a familiar JDate face in a city of over 8 million people. I guess strangers are only friends who have yet to meet. To make it a little stranger, I saw him enter my building which I assume he lives in. NYC for as big as it is, is amazingly small sometimes.

I was sitting at a dinner party the other night when word got around that I write about dating. Suddenly all of the hostess’ girlfriends wanted advice from me, who they now called the “Jewish Carrie Bradshaw.” Flattered, I felt an obligation to try and help these single women in their early 20’s. As an “older” woman (nearly 30… they probably considered me ancient), I had an obligation to impart some wisdom.

My first question: “are you on JDate?” elicited one unusual response: a guttural sound emanated from Danielle’s throat while her face distorted into a look of disgust. While the corners of her lips turned down with her upper lip peaked into a snarl, her eyes became slits and her jaw tensed up. She finally recovered from her bout with repulsion and simply said, “ew.” And I could tell she was starting to doubt her opinion of me as the cool, older sister-type.

As for me, I couldn’t help but start laughing. I remembered I used to think the same way when I was her age. But still I eventually did sign up for a JDate membership where I found dozens upon dozens of eligible bachelors and was happily surprised to know I was in good (and good-looking) company.

I told Danielle that I too had preconceived notions about JDate, but found it to be a place where ALL Jews go to look for their beshert. By signing up on JDate, there would be hundreds of thousands of single Jewish men from around the world literally at her fingertips. She could narrow them down at her behest, whether by area, age, or however her critical heart desires.

As the JDate conversation continued most of the other people at the dinner party, guys and gals alike, all proudly stated that they too were on JDate. Danielle quickly became the odd woman out and I could tell she was even excited to sign up. She had discovered that JDate is not the place where desperate people go but rather where the “cool” people are.

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