Chaplin can chill. Selleck can simmer down, and The Most Interesting Man in the World needn’t moveth over. After a clandestine, and often scratchy, two week trial the results are in. I, Michael Fred, can not pull off facial hair. Humbly — and clean shaven — I present the photographic evidence:

In case the private shock wasn’t proper provocation, Gold’s Gym went ahead and posted the following flyer to include fellow gym members in my now very public fight against obesity:

I can’t thank Gold’s Gym enough for their Machiavellian support of me achieving a genetically impossible body type. I will fight. I will work out hard, and if that’s not enough, I will find the right combination of malnourishment, exercise, steroids, diet pills and laxatives to achieve the American health dream… the human caricature.