True but harsh so please read with caution.

You know in the movies when the woman gives birth and they hand her a perfect, clean 3-month old movie baby? The husband puts his arm around her and they gaze lovingly into each others eyes? Ahhhh, the end. Well, here are just a few of things that can happen after the credits roll. Most of them aren't movie friendly so sadly, the don't get discussed unless you have really good friends that let you in on these little secrets. Not all of them happen to everybody but, chances are, one or more will be added to your new role as motherhood so don't be alarmed.

1. You will have a really heavy period. No matter how you give birth (c-section or va-j-j) you will have postpartum bleeding. This delightful discharge is called lochia and it sounds about as appealing as it is. It lasts as little as two to three weeks or as long as six weeks after birth. The best part is you're given giant, thunderpads in the hospital because you can't use tampons during this time (it can introduce bacteria into your healing uterus) so you have the added pleasure of feeling like a 15-year old girl from 1974.

2. Your crotch might be a mess. You may be dealing with a swollen, stitched up mighty mess that even Stephen King couldn't dream up. There are a variety of elixirs and contraptions to help ease the horror including sits baths, frozen bags of peas and a little water bottle that you squirt on yourself while you pee. In my experience I've found that it's best not to look – it was actually worse than I thought it would be. Dear God so bad.

3. You're still fat. You will need clothes after you've had this kid because you'll be sort of second trimester doughy for a while. This is yet another reason I hate those damn model asshats that are wafer thin 10 minutes after they've given birth because it isn't realistic. Everything is very different when you've had your tummy tuck during your elective c-section and you can hand your baby off to a nanny and have a personal trainer up in your face everyday. Pilates and brown rice my ass. Stupid starlets. Except Heidi Klum. I love Heidi Klum and that ***** earned her wings.

4. You might cry. A. LOT. Some women get off really easy with this one and don't ride the hormonal roller coaster after they've had a baby and to them I say "lucky, lucky *****". It doesn't help that it can run the gamut from absolutely nothing to full blown post partum depression so not everyone is sympathetic if you have the Niagara Falls boo hoos if they didn't. The other tricky thing is that you might not recognize how bad it was until you're out of it. It's best to have people that actually know you keep an eye on this one. If they tell you that you're losing it, you probably are so listen to them and go see your doctor. Nobody wins if you're miserable.

5. Your hair might fall out. I know. Don't you feel pretty now? So here you are all post partum and doughy and to add insult to injury you might start losing some of your hair. Here you were all excited about your luscious locks while you were pregnant, well, sorry Cinderella but the party is over and the hair fairy wants her glass slippers back. This is one of those wonderful hormone side effects that can come with giving birth. At least there will be less to worry about when pulling your hair up into your new-mom crack-ponytail.

6. Breastfeeding might be difficult. If you choose to breastfeed your baby, be prepared for a little bit of work. Not everybody has a smooth ride (me included) and it can be anything the soft, bonding vignettes they plaster all over "Breast is Best" pamphlets. The good news is once you're over the hump it's pretty maintenance free and you can never forget your baby's lunch on the counter. If you have an easy time of it, awesome! Don't brag though, you're liable to be beaten to death with Bugaboo strollers by hormonal mothers in the park.

7. You might hate your husband.I have two theories of nature. One, babies look like their fathers when they are born so the father is reassured that the baby is his and won't take off. Two, nature takes care of you not conceiving right after giving birth by making you want to punch in his face every time you see him. Again, it's probably hormone related. Again, this isn't always the case but I'm just warning you that you might stare at his peaceful sleeping face at 2am and wonder what the hell the point of him is and how can that son of a ***** just lie there sleeping like while you try to get your baby to sleep for the umpteenth time. You're not alone and a jury full of mothers with newborns wouldn't convict you if you bludgeoned him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around so take a deep breath and ignore the urge......for now.

8. You might be hot. No, not good hot. Gross, sweaty, fat man hot. Thank your hormones. Once again they may be to blame for giving you hot flashes and making feel like a high-noon *****. Nothing says sexy like a woman with 20lbs of extra baby weight, who's losing her hair and walking around like she just ran for a bus. I'm adding that to my theory of nature's birth control along with number 7.

9. Hard boobs. You know those crazy porn boobs you see on some women that are just gigantic and don't move? No? Well, try skipping a feeding while you're nursing and you'll have a pretty good idea what that's like. It sounds cool but it isn't so don't add stripper heels to your registry....well, not for this reason anyway.

10. Pooing is scary. I saved the best for last, non? No matter what exit your baby used, your BM equipment is close by and you'll have to use it eventually. I think the phrase "tentative terror" best sums up this act and may I suggest picking out extra names because you're going to want to name your first poop after you take such tender care bringing into the world. Gross? Sorry. Fact? Yep.

Haven't I painted a pretty picture here? Aren't you looking forward to all the treats that come with motherhood? Well, thankfully, not all of them happen to everybody and you (and everyone around you) will be so focused on the new little person that you'll have little time or energy to worry about much else. And hey, who cares, you made a person. A whole person. It doesn't matter if you're a surly, bald, sweaty garden slug for a while, you just performed a miracle so unless you're booked to walk the runway in your underpants in two weeks, don't worry about it and tell anybody who says otherwise to eat ****. Hey, you can always blame it on your hormones.

And seriously, don't get scared. You may get off easy and get none of these things to any great degree, and if you're really, really lucky you'll have a birth like my friend, Megan.

In the meantime, be sure to check out the Exit Care post. You know, just in case.

You know in the movies when the woman gives birth and they hand her a perfect, clean 3-month old movie baby? The husband puts his arm around her and they gaze lovingly into each others eyes? Ahhhh, the end. Well, here are just a few of things that can happen after the credits roll. Most of them aren't movie friendly so sadly, the don't get discussed unless you have really good friends that let you in on these little secrets. Not all of them happen to everybody but, chances are, one or more will be added to your new role as motherhood so don't be alarmed.

1. You will have a really heavy period. No matter how you give birth (c-section or va-j-j) you will have postpartum bleeding. This delightful discharge is called lochia and it sounds about as appealing as it is. It lasts as little as two to three weeks or as long as six weeks after birth. The best part is you're given giant, thunderpads in the hospital because you can't use tampons during this time (it can introduce bacteria into your healing uterus) so you have the added pleasure of feeling like a 15-year old girl from 1974.

2. Your crotch might be a mess. You may be dealing with a swollen, stitched up mighty mess that even Stephen King couldn't dream up. There are a variety of elixirs and contraptions to help ease the horror including sits baths, frozen bags of peas and a little water bottle that you squirt on yourself while you pee. In my experience I've found that it's best not to look – it was actually worse than I thought it would be. Dear God so bad.

3. You're still fat. You will need clothes after you've had this kid because you'll be sort of second trimester doughy for a while. This is yet another reason I hate those damn model asshats that are wafer thin 10 minutes after they've given birth because it isn't realistic. Everything is very different when you've had your tummy tuck during your elective c-section and you can hand your baby off to a nanny and have a personal trainer up in your face everyday. Pilates and brown rice my ass. Stupid starlets. Except Heidi Klum. I love Heidi Klum and that ***** earned her wings.

4. You might cry. A. LOT. Some women get off really easy with this one and don't ride the hormonal roller coaster after they've had a baby and to them I say "lucky, lucky *****". It doesn't help that it can run the gamut from absolutely nothing to full blown post partum depression so not everyone is sympathetic if you have the Niagara Falls boo hoos if they didn't. The other tricky thing is that you might not recognize how bad it was until you're out of it. It's best to have people that actually know you keep an eye on this one. If they tell you that you're losing it, you probably are so listen to them and go see your doctor. Nobody wins if you're miserable.

5. Your hair might fall out. I know. Don't you feel pretty now? So here you are all post partum and doughy and to add insult to injury you might start losing some of your hair. Here you were all excited about your luscious locks while you were pregnant, well, sorry Cinderella but the party is over and the hair fairy wants her glass slippers back. This is one of those wonderful hormone side effects that can come with giving birth. At least there will be less to worry about when pulling your hair up into your new-mom crack-ponytail.

6. Breastfeeding might be difficult. If you choose to breastfeed your baby, be prepared for a little bit of work. Not everybody has a smooth ride (me included) and it can be anything the soft, bonding vignettes they plaster all over "Breast is Best" pamphlets. The good news is once you're over the hump it's pretty maintenance free and you can never forget your baby's lunch on the counter. If you have an easy time of it, awesome! Don't brag though, you're liable to be beaten to death with Bugaboo strollers by hormonal mothers in the park.

7. You might hate your husband.I have two theories of nature. One, babies look like their fathers when they are born so the father is reassured that the baby is his and won't take off. Two, nature takes care of you not conceiving right after giving birth by making you want to punch in his face every time you see him. Again, it's probably hormone related. Again, this isn't always the case but I'm just warning you that you might stare at his peaceful sleeping face at 2am and wonder what the hell the point of him is and how can that son of a ***** just lie there sleeping like while you try to get your baby to sleep for the umpteenth time. You're not alone and a jury full of mothers with newborns wouldn't convict you if you bludgeoned him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around so take a deep breath and ignore the urge......for now.

8. You might be hot. No, not good hot. Gross, sweaty, fat man hot. Thank your hormones. Once again they may be to blame for giving you hot flashes and making feel like a high-noon *****. Nothing says sexy like a woman with 20lbs of extra baby weight, who's losing her hair and walking around like she just ran for a bus. I'm adding that to my theory of nature's birth control along with number 7.

9. Hard boobs. You know those crazy porn boobs you see on some women that are just gigantic and don't move? No? Well, try skipping a feeding while you're nursing and you'll have a pretty good idea what that's like. It sounds cool but it isn't so don't add stripper heels to your registry....well, not for this reason anyway.

10. Pooing is scary. I saved the best for last, non? No matter what exit your baby used, your BM equipment is close by and you'll have to use it eventually. I think the phrase "tentative terror" best sums up this act and may I suggest picking out extra names because you're going to want to name your first poop after you take such tender care bringing into the world. Gross? Sorry. Fact? Yep.

Haven't I painted a pretty picture here? Aren't you looking forward to all the treats that come with motherhood? Well, thankfully, not all of them happen to everybody and you (and everyone around you) will be so focused on the new little person that you'll have little time or energy to worry about much else. And hey, who cares, you made a person. A whole person. It doesn't matter if you're a surly, bald, sweaty garden slug for a while, you just performed a miracle so unless you're booked to walk the runway in your underpants in two weeks, don't worry about it and tell anybody who says otherwise to eat ****. Hey, you can always blame it on your hormones.

And seriously, don't get scared. You may get off easy and get none of these things to any great degree, and if you're really, really lucky you'll have a birth like my friend, Megan.

In the meantime, be sure to check out the Exit Care post. You know, just in case.

I have just been remembering the shakes and cold feeling I had right after my c- section. Nobody warned me, I didn't even want to hold my LO. They lasted for a few hours and heated blankets helped, apparently its pretty common.

I have just been remembering the shakes and cold feeling I had right after my c- section. Nobody warned me, I didn't even want to hold my LO. They lasted for a few hours and heated blankets helped, apparently its pretty common.

Numbers 1,3,6,7,10 yep! It's not fun at all, and I bled for 7 1/2 weeks plus it took me 2 weeks to get over the lovely constipation. I think I was in the bathroom all day for the next two days with that.

Numbers 1,3,6,7,10 yep! It's not fun at all, and I bled for 7 1/2 weeks plus it took me 2 weeks to get over the lovely constipation. I think I was in the bathroom all day for the next two days with that.

1- yes hated the hospital pads. Bleeding was about 2 weeks long. Was heavy the first 2 days then just regular then when it was about gone I think I cried!

2- very much a mess!! Don't use a mirror to look at it unless you want to be scarred for a few months. I thought mine was NEVER going to look the same. i wondered if it would ever"close" back up. I swear I could see all the way to my stomach!

3- I was big to begin with so this didn't matter much to me then. BUT now I am scared of having a C-section and how the roll of fat from first lo will affect it.

4 and 5 didn't apply to me. I was thrilled for my lo!

6- tried to BF but didn't make it.

7- hubby was great! he took care of baby more in the hospital and the first week than I did. He even had to take care of me. I have a feeling though this time I won't get that lucky!

8-HOT is not even beginning to describe me. I will be taking a fan with me! I sweated for 3 days in the hospital. Even when I took a shower I came out sweating.

9- Didn't have a problem with this.

10- After not going for about a week I decided to use X-lax. BEST decision ever even though the Drs advise against it. I will definitely be taking it earlier this time around!

1- yes hated the hospital pads. Bleeding was about 2 weeks long. Was heavy the first 2 days then just regular then when it was about gone I think I cried!

2- very much a mess!! Don't use a mirror to look at it unless you want to be scarred for a few months. I thought mine was NEVER going to look the same. i wondered if it would ever"close" back up. I swear I could see all the way to my stomach!

3- I was big to begin with so this didn't matter much to me then. BUT now I am scared of having a C-section and how the roll of fat from first lo will affect it.

4 and 5 didn't apply to me. I was thrilled for my lo!

6- tried to BF but didn't make it.

7- hubby was great! he took care of baby more in the hospital and the first week than I did. He even had to take care of me. I have a feeling though this time I won't get that lucky!

8-HOT is not even beginning to describe me. I will be taking a fan with me! I sweated for 3 days in the hospital. Even when I took a shower I came out sweating.

9- Didn't have a problem with this.

10- After not going for about a week I decided to use X-lax. BEST decision ever even though the Drs advise against it. I will definitely be taking it earlier this time around!

A few of you have asked me to put a list together of tips on how to care for the good china after giving birth.

So thanks to your suggestions, and what I found online, here's the glorious list on how to get your tender bits back in order.

Here they are:

• ice wrapped in a washcloth

• use a squirt bottle filled with water to rinse while you pee

• hold a clean pad firmly against the wound and press upward while you poo to help relieve any pressure

• wear boy shorts to hold a cold pad close

• take both ibuprofen and acetaminophen to address any inflamation and pain

• sitz baths - this is when you sit in a little bit of warm water to get more blood flow to the affected area. Plus, it just feels good. You can get inserts that fit into your toilet seat.

• hair dryer set on cool to dry off any areas where you don't want to shake a towel over – this applies to c-sections as well

• condoms filled with water and frozen to a slushy consistency held against the scary sections (it's not like you'll be using them for anything else so it's worth a shot)

• mix calendula oil with the water in your peri bottle to help speed healing

• calendula oil and/or arnica in water, soak a maxi pad in it, then freeze it for a glorious padsicles

• use the Boppy you bought for your baby or nursing, to sit on for the first few days

• Dermoplast spray – sprayed directly on all that ails you, or on a pad then applied

• open one end of a diaper, put ice in it, then put it in the mesh underwear - when the ice melts the diaper absorbs the water so you are not all soggy

• placing Tucks pads or pads soaked in witch hazel (you can place two overlapping for more coverage) on a maxi pad to help soothe the area.

• depends underwear if you don't like the netted underwear and pads the hospital gives you

• frozen maxi pads that were soaked in Witch Hazel then put in a cooler to take to the hospital

• stool softeners and/or prune juice for both c-sections and vaginal births to keep the pushing to a minimum

• vitamin E oil and/ or neosporin on c-section incisions

• wearing a maternity/belly band to give a little support after a c-section

• Always Infinity pads - much thinner than the giant pads they give you in the hospital so they feel less "diapery"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Do you know of any others or are you just backing away from the computer saying, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?!"?

Hey, you may get lucky and not have any use for any of this stuff like my ******* friend, Megan.

Personally, I think it's the anticipation of pain that's the worse part – when else do we have up to 35 weeks to think about how much something may hurt? Seriously, if it was that horrible no one would have more than one child. Even if you do need some of this stuff, it's pretty short lived and you have a new baby to keep your mind off the mess, so don't worry about it too much.

There, there, you'll be shiny and new again before you know it. (hair stroke and shushing) Just like this:

This is so funny though

A few of you have asked me to put a list together of tips on how to care for the good china after giving birth.

So thanks to your suggestions, and what I found online, here's the glorious list on how to get your tender bits back in order.

Here they are:

• ice wrapped in a washcloth

• use a squirt bottle filled with water to rinse while you pee

• hold a clean pad firmly against the wound and press upward while you poo to help relieve any pressure

• wear boy shorts to hold a cold pad close

• take both ibuprofen and acetaminophen to address any inflamation and pain

• sitz baths - this is when you sit in a little bit of warm water to get more blood flow to the affected area. Plus, it just feels good. You can get inserts that fit into your toilet seat.

• hair dryer set on cool to dry off any areas where you don't want to shake a towel over – this applies to c-sections as well

• condoms filled with water and frozen to a slushy consistency held against the scary sections (it's not like you'll be using them for anything else so it's worth a shot)

• mix calendula oil with the water in your peri bottle to help speed healing

• calendula oil and/or arnica in water, soak a maxi pad in it, then freeze it for a glorious padsicles

• use the Boppy you bought for your baby or nursing, to sit on for the first few days

• Dermoplast spray – sprayed directly on all that ails you, or on a pad then applied

• open one end of a diaper, put ice in it, then put it in the mesh underwear - when the ice melts the diaper absorbs the water so you are not all soggy

• placing Tucks pads or pads soaked in witch hazel (you can place two overlapping for more coverage) on a maxi pad to help soothe the area.

• depends underwear if you don't like the netted underwear and pads the hospital gives you

• frozen maxi pads that were soaked in Witch Hazel then put in a cooler to take to the hospital

• stool softeners and/or prune juice for both c-sections and vaginal births to keep the pushing to a minimum

• vitamin E oil and/ or neosporin on c-section incisions

• wearing a maternity/belly band to give a little support after a c-section

• Always Infinity pads - much thinner than the giant pads they give you in the hospital so they feel less "diapery"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Do you know of any others or are you just backing away from the computer saying, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?!"?

Hey, you may get lucky and not have any use for any of this stuff like my ******* friend, Megan.

Personally, I think it's the anticipation of pain that's the worse part – when else do we have up to 35 weeks to think about how much something may hurt? Seriously, if it was that horrible no one would have more than one child. Even if you do need some of this stuff, it's pretty short lived and you have a new baby to keep your mind off the mess, so don't worry about it too much.

There, there, you'll be shiny and new again before you know it. (hair stroke and shushing) Just like this:

Oh the joys of being a new mother! I remember peeing for the first time after giving birth I thought my vagina was on fire! It hurt so bad but that dermaplast spray worked great & spraying it with water while your peeing helps too! Oh Ive only got a few months before I have to go through it again.

Oh the joys of being a new mother! I remember peeing for the first time after giving birth I thought my vagina was on fire! It hurt so bad but that dermaplast spray worked great & spraying it with water while your peeing helps too! Oh Ive only got a few months before I have to go through it again.

It is really not that bad. I suggest lots of showers in the hospital while rubbing your uterus. Get rid of all those blood clots before you go home and have to deal with that mess in your shower. Knowing is half the battle, you will do fine

It is really not that bad. I suggest lots of showers in the hospital while rubbing your uterus. Get rid of all those blood clots before you go home and have to deal with that mess in your shower. Knowing is half the battle, you will do fine

I had shakes too after a vaginal delivery - my doctor told me it was my organs settling back into place - SCARY thought!!! Oh and you'll probably poo on the table if you deliver vaginally - even if you eat a nice light diet as your due date approaches lol The good news, nurses deal w/ it every day and clean you up ha ha This is really funny though b/c I was talking to a FTM about how my hips really widened and even after losing all the wright, my old jeans never fit right again and she was all like "I'm going to be in my old jeans walking out of the hospital" and I was like "good for you" and it's been 6 months and recently she says to me "I didn't realize how hard it'd be to loose the baby weight" - yes, lady, I was telling you horrible lies for sh*ts and giggles lol

I had shakes too after a vaginal delivery - my doctor told me it was my organs settling back into place - SCARY thought!!! Oh and you'll probably poo on the table if you deliver vaginally - even if you eat a nice light diet as your due date approaches lol The good news, nurses deal w/ it every day and clean you up ha ha This is really funny though b/c I was talking to a FTM about how my hips really widened and even after losing all the wright, my old jeans never fit right again and she was all like "I'm going to be in my old jeans walking out of the hospital" and I was like "good for you" and it's been 6 months and recently she says to me "I didn't realize how hard it'd be to loose the baby weight" - yes, lady, I was telling you horrible lies for sh*ts and giggles lol

Omg this is too good. Reminds me of my sister postpartum blog. Too much funny. I love how no one tells you this part until after LO is born. Like a prep time and pep talk to pump you up for the months to come after baby wouldn't be a little helpful.

Omg this is too good. Reminds me of my sister postpartum blog. Too much funny. I love how no one tells you this part until after LO is born. Like a prep time and pep talk to pump you up for the months to come after baby wouldn't be a little helpful.

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