August 2005

3rd August 2005

The regular features on Shark Infested Custard will include “Meet the Johnsons”, where any family named Johnson can have 10 seconds of fame; “Speed Camera Boy”, about a boy who is half speed camera, and “Gary’s Week”, starring Hill’s fictional layabout son from his first marriage.

This is already shaping up to be the best thing ITV have ever broadcast at any time in their 50-year history.

12th August 2005

If you go into a shop and steal a train set, does that make you Nick Hornby?

Yes, I know, posting has been sporadic (love that word) for quite some time now. This is because I have nothing to moan about. As soon as a scally on the train annoys me, or an amusingly-offbeat news story appears on BBC News, I’ll be back.

22nd August 2005

The Sunday Mirror is not exactly the most edifying publication to read at the best of times. Buried underneath all the articles about Big Brother (sorry – “Big Bruv” *shudder*) you can find Carole Malone, possibly the most useless, trivial columnist in the history of tabloid newspapers – and in a world which contains Richard Littlejohn, that’s quite a feat.

ASK yourselves this. Would you rather have Ian Blair as Metropolitan Police Commissioner or a Cherie Blair clone?

I’m no fan of the Met boss, but a loony liberal Cherie clone is what we’ll get if he’s sacked over the killing of Jean Charles de Menezes.

Paul Merton used to have a great bit in his standup routine about arguments like this. It went something like this: “if you say to someone that we should abolish the monarchy, they’ll say something like: ‘oh, what should we do instead – bring back Hitler?’ Imagine if every argument was like that. ‘Do you want steak and chips for dinner?’ ‘No thanks’ ‘Oh, I suppose you’d like a lump of dog shit instead, would you?’.”

In other words, just because you think shooting innocent people is bad, doesn’t necessary mean you’re in favour of the exact opposite; it’s a simplistic, illogical argument.

Mind you, this is a woman who said that the shooting was Jean Charles de Menezes’s own fault for not being in Brazil “where he belongs”.

It’s about right for the level of intellect found in a red-top tabloid, but I hope no-one who reads this nonsense is under the impression that they’re getting proper, well-thought-out debate.

28th August 2005

Imagine bringing up your local weather forecast on the Internet and reading something like this:-

MOST OF THE AREA WILL BE UNINHABITABLE FOR WEEKS…PERHAPS LONGER. AT LEAST ONE HALF OF WELL CONSTRUCTED HOMES WILL HAVE ROOF AND WALL FAILURE. ALL GABLED ROOFS WILL FAIL…LEAVING THOSE HOMES SEVERELY
DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.

THE MAJORITY OF INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS WILL BECOME NON FUNCTIONAL. PARTIAL TO COMPLETE WALL AND ROOF FAILURE IS EXPECTED. ALL WOOD FRAMED LOW RISING APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL BE DESTROYED. CONCRETE BLOCK LOW RISE APARTMENTS WILL SUSTAIN MAJOR DAMAGE…INCLUDING SOME WALL AND ROOF FAILURE.

HIGH RISE OFFICE AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL SWAY DANGEROUSLY…A FEW TO THE POINT OF TOTAL COLLAPSE. ALL WINDOWS WILL BLOW OUT.