Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Saturday, December 6, 2014

... and I missed it... Well, that was supposed to be all she wrote... I kind of had a thought in mind that I would end this blog on the day when no one stopped by to visit, whether it be a visit by choice or completely at random. That day happened yesterday, December 5, 2014. After 1,735 days of this blog being in existence, with 55,000 or so views during that time frame, there were zero (0) pageviews yesterday, according to the internal Blogger stats. This has never happened before. Interestingly enough, according to Sitemeter, there were no views on December 4th or 5th, not even me. However, StatCounter indicates there were four visits on December 4th and three visits on December 5th, all showing up as Googlebot, with duration of three of these being 30 minutes 13 sec, 22 minutes 39 sec and 49 minutes 33 sec. Upon further review, these were archived posts from 2012 to 2013, 2011 to 2012 and 2010 to 2011 respectively. What is the big Google machine up to? I have no clue. ***

My head hurts. My head has been hurting a lot lately during and after work, even heading into the weekend. I have been made to feel small and incapable. I feel deflated and defeated. If it was a job that I completely sucked at, I might not feel as bad. I need to change something in my life, and yet again, "life" means "job". That's just the way it goes. It seems though, that the decision has already been made for me, and I will need to look for something new very soon. The strange thing is, thinking on that whole idea that life turns in seven year cycles, it is coming close to that time... I just wish I knew what to do this time.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

As I have mentioned many a time before, music and food play a big part in my memories, when there is not much else that seems to remain in the memory bank. This song, I remember from when I was a little kid, but I don't think I knew it was a Canadian band that sang it until it came up a few days ago. I do remember that I liked it, and, for some reason, I still do.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

27 years ago I heard a song for the first time, and in that very moment I thought to myself "this is it", the be all and end all of songs. There would never be another song quite like this. There may have been others that have hit me in a similar fashion since then, but with my dwindling memory, that is the one which remains most embedded. The past decade in the music industry has not yielded a great deal to draw me in, as there didn't seem to be much character in the offering. Then this song, in all its bare simplicity came along to prove me wrong.So as I yet struggle to find meaning, to find purpose, to find a place where I do not feel the life being sucked right out of me, I suppose this song's evocative nature came to my attention in a timely manner. And on that note, if you have taken the time to read this far, take a stroll through the blog as it lays dying. Say something. Where you are from or something.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I fell through the cracks of my own life. The fractured shell can either hold together or disintegrate. Exist or disappear. There is no living here. Another day, another night. In that murky darkness before dawn is when those fractures come to light. And so I write.That is all.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Made to feel small by someone else's words at work this morning. Feeling terribly small now. Trying to find meaning in life by playing Tetris and speeding up the blocks. Losing.

*****

Mom would have been 79 years old today. She's been gone almost 14 years now. I am not one to ponder what her advice or thoughts would be on matters, but today it crossed my mind. I wonder what she would have to say about all this.

*****

Tetris is my metaphor for life. The blocks continue to fall, but leaving too many empty spaces. Now they are speeding up, falling at a faster rate, leaving even more empty and I'm running out of time to make something fit so I can keep going before the game ends.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

That was quite a departure. But sometimes, just sometimes, things bother me long enough to say something, without explanation. Such was the case with the previous post. I have no idea what I'm doing here (life) or here (blog). It is funny to think now, that I used to feel a need to blog. Yes... a need. I could be sleep deprived, wide awake in the dark, or sleepy as heck with my head flopping and eyes glazing over, but I would make myself type. Now, this is like the quiet place where I come just to say... I am still here.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Peace Activists and Human Rights Activists, all well and good on this soft, cushy side of the world. We've heard it all before... "Peace now!" "Why can't there be peace?" ... and "War is not the solution." We've been down this road before. Perhaps war is not the solution, but sometimes... it is the only answer. You can't just sign a Facebook petition to stop an Islamic fundamentalist from beheading someone. You can't simply sign a petition and force someone to cease being a religious extremist. How can you find peace with a man or woman veiled in the guise of religious freedom... a religion not tempered by logic... a religion that has not changed nor evolved in over a thousand years... a religion oftentimes fueled by hatred...

Monday, August 25, 2014

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Have been seeing these videos posted all over Facebook, to raise awareness of ALS, a debilitating neurological disease, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. Finally came across this one. If you want to know what it's about..

It has been 33 days since my last blogpost. Greetings and goodbyes seem to be the order of life...

Back in April I got to meet my new nephew for the first time. That was a treat... a joy really.

A few months ago, Dad lost his younger brother, then shortly after that, his older brother who was a whopping 90 years old, then his girl friend, who had just turned 90 in April, followed by one of the long tine neighbour fellows. Within the past three weeks, the dads of two of my brother's old school buddies passed away. One of these friends passed away 4 years ago at the age of 44.
I feel detached. I feel sad. It is not a sadness for personal loss, but perhaps simply for life itself.

And now for a laugh...

I know I will die wishing that I had done more with the life I was given.

So does a sense of humour win out over looks? When I was considerably younger, this wasn't necessarily the case, as evidenced by an interest in Tom Cruise at the very beginning of his career. This got me to thinking... At my age now, with whom would I rather sit on a couch and have a conversation? Tom Cruise or a guy that makes you laugh...

Funny thing is that I've never watched "The Family Guy" or "Ted", but I had started a post a few months ago about some upcoming movies that caught my attention, which includedthis.

Monday, July 14, 2014

"Since when does a terror organization get a voice and a seat in the United Nations?"

"Instead of choosing life, they celebrate death. A culture that celebrates martyrdom and murder is a culture that will always be at war with itself and with its neighbours."

You know, it is strange how things go full circle. Even though I have no specific memories from certain times in my life, I do know that a thirteen year old girl in Canada who watched the news over three decades ago would not be surprised by this.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

that natural human thirst for knowledge is what fuels you, and your mind absorbs and accumulates a myriad of information about a variety of subjects, none of which pertain to each other nor serve a purpose in your existence?
What if that natural human thirst for knowledge doesn't exist in you, and your mind filters and discards any information accumulated over time which does not pertain to your existence?
What if you end out your days sitting alone in a dark room and you realize that it didn't matter ... at all.

What if that one thing that makes you want to reach out and hold on, wasn't meant for you?One of those kinds of times, not quite like this... maybe a touch of that...

Monday, May 19, 2014

Now that I have it sitting here to post on the blog, it got me to thinking... It was in the Facebook feed, but I didn't post it there, I saved it for the blog. Why? Because I've never MET anyone who "gets" me, and this was probably one of the reasons that I decided to start a blog in the first place. This thought then prompted me to search the archives for posts pertaining to "fitting in". I went down the list, reading a few, and then... this... I was a bit taken aback, and it elicited a rather unexpected emotional response. My memory continues to fail, and I had forgotten that I had shared something of such a personal nature here. To blog or not to blog, herein lies the answer.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Friday, May 16, 2014

I have watched this several times and I am amazed by the actions of this cat. From running out to bowl the dog over, chasing it way, coming back to check on the boy, and then turning her head to make sure that he is following.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Not a huge fan of violence for entertainment, although I used to be when I was younger. That being said, I can so appreciate this...

It had come up in Facebook tonight, so I went tracking back a bit further in YouTube such that what today came up as a "Bohemian" Kick Boxer seems to have originally been a "Bolivian"... When I first saw it in FB, I was thinking... what the heck is a Bohemian Kick Boxer?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Another milestone happened some time today. I passed the 50,000 Pageviews mark. That may not seem that big of a number, however to me it is huge. That being said, I didn't create this thing with any goal in mind, nor to amass a readership. I knew what I didn't want to do here, but I ended up unwittingly heading down that road regardless. Now, sitting here tonight, all I can say is that I think it would be nice if one day someone stumbles upon this blog and finds something they can relate to on some level, and maybe make them laugh or cry or say "Hmmmmm....".

Much like the blog, I have never had a goal in life either, which is quite sad if you think about it. At this juncture, the closest I can come to having one would be:

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I haven't done one of these for a really long time, so I decided to re-do the one on the sidebar "What Kind of Pie are You?" and I know I got a different result this time. (Cherry Pie) I went on to do about four or five more, including this one:

Monday, April 14, 2014

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Yesterday I rediscovered why I did not like seafood when I was a little kid.

One word....

Anchovies.

I've never had them before.

It doesn't matter how thin you slice them or how much you smother them in salt and spicy Korean goodness. It doesn't matter. It is that distinct, intense, fishness that threw me off then, and anchovies are... well... the epitome of fishness.The funny thing is that I remember liking the taste of dried squid. It came in a small plastic candy-sized bag. It was salty, but not too salty, a little bit chewy, and rather stringy. But... it wasn't too... fishy, for lack of a better word. This was brought back to mind yesterday as well. The nice Korean lady who owns the Japanese restaurant always gives us extra things to try, like homemade Kimchi, sliced sesame fishcake things, and variety of sweet-savoury smelly Korean pickles. One of the first small dishes she brought out was... squid... Like the dried squid I remember, soaked in a sweet and salty sauce... and it was good. The second dish was the aforementioned anchovies, a little deceiving as it looked almost the same. Gah!

Monday, April 7, 2014

I met my new nephew for the first time yesterday. He is almost nine months old. It has been a long time since I have been that kind of happy holding a baby.

***

I received a treasure last night. Some personal belongings and family pictures which I did not know existed. She had even kept a couple notes that I had written her when I was a kid. With those notes, was... a Christmas card... that she had written to me before she died, but had not sent. There was also a card with a message from another aunt who I have not seen in probably over ten years now. Gifts. Gifts with tears.

***

So tonight, again, questioning my existence, I reflect on these gifts, and wrote this.

Today I had a moment where it felt as though I was separated from my brain. I was walking home on the old highway, crossing a side street, when I caught myself in that moment where my brain was completely empty of thought. In the split second following, I realized that I could have absentmindedly walked the wrong way. It has happened before, but it is a whole other situation when it happens as you are standing alone in the kitchen compared to walking along a busy stretch of road. I would like to think that I would have the wherewithal to catch myself before doing something so uncharacter-istically brainless, but it makes me wonder.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Monday, March 31, 2014

On Saturday, I decided to splurge on pizza. It was just a personal size, but instead of my cheap standard "just cheese", I went with the new Nacho flavour with a thin crust. But pizza is not what this is about. I ordered it by phone, looked at the clock and figured I would leave at 7:05. I ran about a minute or two over, so I walked rather briskly up the street towards the pizza establishment. As I was hurrying along, I heard a small "splat"... and stopped in my tracks to see that the "splat" was bird poop hitting the ground a few inches in front of me. I felt my hair to make sure that none had made contact and breathed a sigh of relief. If I had been but a second or two earlier, that would have landed square on my head instead of on the ground before my foot.

Fast forward to today when I was putting on the same boots, when I got outside into the sunlight, I noticed something white on the toe of my right boot. I tried to scrape it off with the other boot, but it did not want to budge. Yes, that's how close it had been.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Monday, March 24, 2014

I fear that this emptiness will never be filled and that it will remain a cold, dark void until I die. The interests and miscellaneous activities that used to fill the time and space of my life are no longer, and thus the void expands. Of course there is yet a faint glimmer of hope, the possibility that something exists, but it is a vague thought, abstract and distant. I wrote that last night. What gives rise to such thoughts yet again? Two things... That damn glimmer of hope is one of them. The other? A situation which makes me question my abilities, feeds the feeling of inadequacy, and at the end of the day makes me feel like crap. This morning I felt torn. I still do. I have a day off from work. I always go in to do a little extra work on my day off. I'm being eaten away by the nibbling dread.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

I came up with that term the other day when at a loss for figuring out the reason why certain things happen in our lives, and how we meet people by way of what seems to be a completely random sequence of events and choices. If we hadn't turned down that road instead of the other, or if we had continued on the straight path ahead of us. If we hadn't clicked that link or the next. If we hadn't walked through that doorway and said hello into the unknown void. If I hadn't? I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be pondering this very thing.

I fear though, that this journey will have no bearing on the outcome of my life. That it was a waste of time. That it was a series of random events and choices that changed the way I was, the way I perceived things and the way I felt about things, but it will not change my life. Would that it were the impetus for change, remains to be seen, however I highly doubt that it will be.

In scrutinizing my life right now, I find that I am still just going through the motions of living, that I am in fact, simply existing. I dread going to bed at night because I must face the next day. I dread getting up in the morning because I know that I must face my inadequacies, each and every day that follows. There is no dream for the future, there is no hope for something more. It just... is... And that has to be enough. The funny thing is... that if I hadn't taken this unexpected detour, I would have come to this conclusion much sooner. This little journey has afforded me the opportunity to get a glimpse of what I missed out on in not living life the way humans are meant to.

Friday, March 7, 2014

.... that I began my journey here, so today would be my 4th blogiversary. I think when I marked the occasion in previous years, I noted the "years ago" incorrectly. Oh well... I still can't quite believe I'm still here, especially taking into consideration that I have nothing left to offer.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

It has been a while since I went "there", but... since that came up tonight, I decided to search the blog for some of my darkness. I typed the word "cold" into the search box... This is just a bit of what I found...

Monday, March 3, 2014

March however was a different story. Fourteen inches of snow in two days, it lived up to its fierce reputation.

(Same tree as the first image.)

Today, the third day, we are already in meltdown. Huge piles of snow and miniature lakes adorn the streets. Shoveling snow this morning, clearing the corner drains this afternoon, and digging out a lady's car that had been snowed under and plowed in, took two pairs of snowboots, two jackets, two pairs of gloves, one pair of mittens and three pairs of socks out of commission just today. By late afternoon the snow was a little bit heavier (understatement) than normal (but not quite as much as last year) and as such I used some muscles that weren't quite used to such usage. Although I was soaked to the bone twice and a half, and said unused muscles rather tight, oddly enough it was both tiring and somewhat invigorating. I am glad that I didn't catch a chill, and am thankful that I didn't blow my back out again as I did a few years ago.

Friday, February 21, 2014

...and my world is empty and full
with nothing and one, everything
lost in the silence of words said, unspoken
of treasured time, forgotten space
and the tears that fall one cannot see
who makes them holds still the heart
which feels such warmth
lays down cold in the dark...cki2014(It has been a while since the words have fallen this freely.)

Friday, February 14, 2014

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Hadn't been to check one of the site tracking devices for a while. The Sitemeter one doesn't pick up as much as the one I checked, but interestingly enough, the latter showed on a particular day that 16 of 20 page visits were from Facebook... a Facebook bot... not Googlebot, a Facebook bot...

And today in the Blogger Stats, there were six (6) uniform page visits, as shown below:

I am starting to wonder if any human beings visit here, and if they do, are they just passing through by accident or do they even "stop in" for a while. Wish I could track human visits, maybe do a sound off or something, like name your province in Canada, your state in the U.S. or just your country. Just curious.

I have watched this video three or four or five times now. I'm just wondering if anyone else noticed how many times his heart stopped? Do you know what his maximum air speed reached? Oh... and after he had stabilized, he said "That was really rough." The caption says "tough".

Saturday, February 1, 2014

I had seen video of this amazing leap last year, and today saw this new footage.
(YouTube Views when I saw it: 442,470)

For a while now, something had been irking me about something somewhat pertinent to this, the subject of which is touched upon here. A movie was released last year and was apparently a huge financial and critical success. It starred two extremely popular actors whose salaries must be astronomical (no pun intended). A cursory search indicates that the movie's budget was approximately one hundred million dollars ... Let me say that again... $100,000,000... What do I find irksome about that? Oh... I don't know... but... maybe... could you imagine if that sum was invested in NASA or some other independent agency?Interesting to note that when I decided to write this, and went to get the NASA link just now, unbeknownst to me, today, January 31, 2014 was a Day of Remembrance, to honour "members of the NASA family who lost their lives while furthering the cause of exploration and discovery".

Thursday, January 30, 2014

This little blog of mine has been in decline for some time, as has my brain, which is one of the contributing factors to said decline. I just noticed on the sidebar that I had hit 1600 posts, which is pretty amazing coming upon my fourth blogiversary in March this year.

I kind of miss my brain and the way it used to think, but I do hope to have it back some day. Although I never thought of this place being much in the big scheme of things, in retrospect I think it has been more therapeutic than anything, allowing me to share and vent to some extent, things for which there was no other venue. I do not know where my brain went, or how it took me to the places I did go, and soon I will forget everything that I have written here. This I know. The great thing is that as long as the internet exists, if Blogger exists, servers exist, the data exists, Google and other search engines exist, this little bit of me will remain to be found again.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Does the colour of the roses depend on:
1. One's favourite colour
2. The occasion for which the roses are given
3. The person giving the roses

Which of the following combinations would you prefer:
1. Chocolates and a rose
2. Chocolates and roses
3. Chocolates, roses and champagne
4. Dinner out
5. Dinner out with chocolates, roses and champagne
6. Dinner in
7. Dinner in with chocolates, roses and champagne

Does the quality of chocolates matter?

Does the quality of champagne matter?

Does the choice of restaurant matter?

If budget is an issue, would you take this into consideration and amend your preferences accordingly?

At some point during the day...

Always liked this song by Incubus. "I Miss You"

HAVE I GONE TOTALLY DAFT and SAPPY? Nope. I found this video on YouTube and it made me smile. i.e. "If I promise not to kill you, can I have a hug?"

Need a smile?

Banana
I have had the Minions "Banana" clip here for a few years, but lately it has switched to "Autoplay", when the blog is loading, but I don't see it in the embed code, so I've just removed it today. Dec 11, 2016