“Relationships with others will be difficult until we have a good one with ourselves.” Ranbir Puar What is it that consistently makes us act...

“Relationships with others will be difficult until we have a good one with ourselves.” Ranbir Puar

What is it that consistently makes us act inconsistently in our relationships?!

For most people, relationships provide the most exhilarating, challenging, and high-growth opportunities of their lives.

Some of us have wonderful relationships at work, but strained ones with our families. We all know people that are generous to strangers, but when you put them around family members, a consistently negative persona comes out. It’s the same person, just a different audience.

In my view, the more intimate a relationship is, the more the quality of that relationship will depend upon our relationship with ourselves. You have to see and accept yourself fully before you can see the other person clearly.

The relationship with your self is the most intricate and challenging. It can be tough to look in the mirror and take full responsibility for your life.

Of course, you are not the cause of all of your challenges, but you know the old saying, “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Trust me, I’ve been there! I harboured anger for years before I realized I was the one being hurt most by it.

So how can you start to have a better relationship with YOU? Here is what worked for me:

Eliminate excuses

Try not blame others when things go south. I started by asking myself, “what I am responsible for?” Sometimes the response I heard in my head was simply, “your reaction”. I played the victim role for a long time and it initially required discipline for me to stay ahead of my excuses. Treat it like a learn-to-run program….do a little bit each week, and before you know it you will be off to the races.

Pay attention to your mind chatter

Particularly when you are around the core people in your life (your partner, kids, parents, co-workers, etc). Write down your thoughts. Quite often we don’t realize the sheer intensity and volume of negative self-talk we have until we consciously inspect it.

Interrupt your pattern

Very few thoughts are neutral. Any time you start beating yourself up, ask yourself “Is this helping me move toward FREEDOM?” This question provides a strong pattern-interrupt.

Respect your own personal journey

Observing the lives of other people and then putting yourself down is simply an excuse to feel bad about yourself. You have no idea about the sh** the other person may be covering up to make her life look perfect. Each person’s life is completely unique, so enjoy the journey.

The last two items require you to monitor your thoughts. Though it may be difficult at first, you will find that changing these habits will require progressively less effort with each passing week. Within one to two months, you won’t even notice the effort required to apply the new habit…. In other words, it will be your new habit!

Be the FIRST one to be considerate

This one is imperative to having a good marriage, in particular! Go out of your way to say “thank you” for every effort that any person makes on your behalf. Whether it is making a meal, passing a fork… anything. Just say it. Though we deeply believe in the purpose of the ego in the human experience, this is one of those areas where your ego will stunt your growth. Think about it… your ego is telling you to drink the poison! Even if you’re feeling mad at the other person, just take a deep breath and then say it. This will get easier with time. One of the reasons people hold back on doing this is because the other person never seems to show you this type of courtesy. Well, guess what, the other person is thinking the same thing about you!! It’s the chicken-egg conundrum… so someone has to go first! Be the first. This is guaranteed to improve your core relationships… and the effect on you will be even greater, if you develop the habit of making eye contact each time you say it.

Do not say or think cynical thoughts about others

Obviously, these thoughts add toxicity to your habitual mind chatter. You may think that they are only directed at other people. However, this is one of the pillars upon which negative SELF-TALK is built. If you speak/ think this way, it becomes a part of you and how you see yourself. It is impossible to be free within, if you do not shake this habit.

Remember: through repeated application, you will have less of those moments where you’re feeling agitated by another person. Basically, what you will come to observe is that other people do not control your emotions!

It is imperative that when you make a mistake, you do NOT beat yourself up. This will REVERSE your progress. When you make a mistake, simply commit to doing it right the next time. (And that next time is likely to be right around the corner).

This process requires repeated conscious effort. Like anything that requires you to dig in and commit, the payoff is that much greater. The impact on your self-image will be life-alteringbecause you will, with progressively less effort, just learn to BE this way.

This movement towards improving your relationship with your SELF is at the core of creating a happy life and feeling free within.

In time, you will find that your external relationships will begin to change as your internal dialogue and perception change. And so it goes, the change in your perception will define your new and improved reality.

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Ranbir Puar

Ranbir’s journey was borne of a deep desire to transform despair into destiny. Her passion for empowering others led to the development of FreeWithin.Me (Spirituality for Reality Inc.). FreeWithin.Me is an organization that focuses on integrating mind, body and spirit to instill positive self-image in children and adults. Ranbir’s unique ability to get to the heart of the matter in an intuitive yet pragmatic and direct manner has enabled her clients to achieve clarity and make dramatic changes in their lives. You can check out her TEDx talk by clicking here.

Those last two are ones that I make sure to keep on top of all the time. I’ve gotten good at it but it’s amazing how fast thoughts along the lines of “well, I’ll do my part when he does his” or just cynical thoughts begin to form and have to be replaced with positive, and more truthful, ones.

Jackie, I used to have many excuses myself so I understand how you feel. From experience I can assure you that acknowledging it is the first step towards inner-peace and better relationships…so it’s two for one

I love this post! I’ve always felt like I’ve had the most amazing relationship with spouse, until recently. There’s been constant head butting and miscommunication. I know it takes two to tango and we will get back on track to our fabulous connection, but going through this funk for the first time in over 3 years is so difficult! Thanks for the reminder to reflect!

Nice to meet you! I'm Jessica a.k.a North Shore Mama. This site was born out of my love for my daughters and the desire to share my motherhood journey with fellow moms. I believe we're all in this craziness called 'parenthood' together and North Shore Mama is my way of reaching out to anyone who needs a laugh, a cry or dinner inspiration. Thank you so much for reading!

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