a first sexual experience gone horrifyingly wrong March 19, 2007

linking the source would only intensify the embarassment that must be felt by this message board poster, but in some sense, you have to respect them for having the balls to post their experience publicly. WHAT THE FUCK. (and make sure to check out the fucking hilarious response that comes afterwards)

“Wow guys, I’m feeling like CRAP today…feel free to try to make me feel better, or to make fun of me. Anyway, here it goes:

Last night I met up with a friend of mine who I had been flirting on and off with for the last year. We started getting into a heated make-out session and then she started taking her and my clothes off so we could do the “big dirty thang.” This was GOING to be my first time, so naturally I was a bit nervous, but I never believed that I would have one of those “first time anxiety” things that I constantly hear about. I get it up pretty quickly (oh what the **** – it was practically up the whole time, this girl is friggin’ CUTE) and get my condom on. I turn off the lights, lean in for a few more kisses and then put her legs over mine. I do a quick “finger search” for the hole and then go for the kill…

Then – cock blocked!

What the ****? I can’t seem to get my dick inside…so, I do another “finger search” and then try again. Blocked?

I don’t get it. I play around more with my fingers, it seems kind of “tight,” but this girl has had sex with other guys before and my dick is by NO MEANS big. She takes off the condom. Begins stroking me, licking it, stroking and then says “its not hard enough.” I let her stroke a little more, and than say, “okay, i think it’s good.” This thing has TAKEN OFF. It’s UP and as hard as it usually gets, I simply don’t understand how it couldn’t be hard enough to get in. I try again, and again, and it keeps getting blocked, or pushed in other directions. After several more tries, I give up. But I don’t understand whats wrong with me. It can’t possible be too weak to get in. It just doesn’t make sense – I’ve watched plenty of porn and my dick looked just as normal and hard as any other. Let me also say that it’s not that I “couldn’t find the hole.” She was trying too and it just wasn’t working. My only guesses are it was too dark in the room to plan out the proper physics or I just wasn’t pushing hard enough.”

…and the golden response:

“Negative. Negative. It didn’t go in. It just impacted on the surface.”