Thursday, May 15, 2008

I’m only real when I’m with you. Everything else when I’m not with you seems like a sham, movie set props with fronts and no backs, insubstantial. I have been called reckless, I have been called careless but no one seemed to realise this was only when I was on my own and you were not around and I did not care. I live because of you and there are places and situations I have been in that I would not have strode back from alive were it not for the thought of you and seeing your smile again.

I have a wanderer’s blood, started planning my escapes before I had the ability to, in search of a thrill that a newer brand of cigarette, a strangely named hard liquor could not bring back much anymore, anonymous sex revolting in the morning illusory in its excitement, I was seeking you and I did not know.

I used to be afraid that when this time came and you were in my life, I would never be free again, I would never have my rambles again, friends would become past memories, spontaneous compound barbecues would be outlawed, Friday evening trips to other towns frowned on so much they would never be enjoyed, mornings in rooms alone with my facebook of memories mulled over disagreeable; I find that I have been freer than since I have been with you. Free with little terror.

I started to say I love you and you said wait. Wait. In the still moments of calm repose I knew and understood why you did not want me to say it, let your eyes speak, let your fingers mark with tattoo caresses, let your lips smudge kisses never to be washed off, your breath be my breath, your limbs my limbs in this thoughtless exhausted sleep we drop into, let us not cover ourselves but be warmed by the love you wanted to carelessly speak of. I understood.

You’re a worker of miracles who won’t acknowledge your power. You’re a divine presence in my life when I had never held such beliefs. You’re the only one who has made me say Yes when saying No was so much easier. I want to say Thank You for all this more. For a week ago when you said Yes.