Honestly, watching Papelbon get shelled and walk off the mound in shame
is more satisfying than most of my sexual encounters. Not sure if that
means my sex life is lame, or I really hate the Red Sox. I’m hoping
it’s the latter.

The guy is not capable of even having sex much less having lame sex and that’s for one reason and one reason only. He is a tiny little penis wrinkle not worthy of being called an entire prick. That’s what you call someone who isn’t even worthy of being called an entire prick is a penis wrinkle. He cannot be an entire prick per my defintion stated above because he’s really only a teeny tiny itty bitty little shriveled up penis wrinkle. Consequently he never will and never can ever reach the status as a full sized prick. Since you can’t have sex, or even lame sex, if you don’t have a prick it had to be the latter so the answer is real simple. He hates the Red Sox and he can never have sex, ever.