Just a bunch of stuff I find interesting or amusing.
Comments/additions are welcome:)

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

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A friend would bail you out of jail - a best friend would be sitting in the cell next to you saying "was that fuckin' awesome or what?"

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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It pains me to think that, by the mere act of typing, I am crushing millions upon millions of amoebae and bacteria living on my keyboard with more intellectual capacity and evolutionary potential than you.

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A Mine Is A Terrible Thing To Step On

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Baby On Board
(hostage in trunk)

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I can't give you a brain, so I'll give you a diploma - the wizard of oz

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It's just a Freudian slip. You know, like when you say one thing and mean your mother...

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Provigal extends your day, Viagra extends your performance, Now I can bonk all night long without falling asleep.

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The only product that Microsoft could make that wouldn't suck is a vacuum cleaner.

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"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is."

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YOU HAVE NOW RECEIVED THE UNIX VIRUS -
This virus works on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix or Linux, please forward this message
to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.

1. First we state that girls require time and money:
Girls = Time * Money

2. And We all know "time is money":
Time = Money

3. Therefore:
Girls = Money * Money = (Money)^2

4. And because "Money is the root of all evil":
Money = Sqrt (Evil)

5. Therefore:
Girls = Sqrt(Evil)^2

6. And we are forced to conclude:
Girls = Evil

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First they came for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up,
because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up,
because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.