CHAIRMAN MO

Say what you want about Mohamed Al Fayed (as long as it's complimentary or you don't mind being sued), he has been a brilliant owner for Fulham. The Egypt-born Highlander was ridiculed as an oddball when he took over the club in 1997 and announced that he would guide them from the third tier to the top flight within five years, but he achieved that ascent ahead of schedule and has kept the club in the Premier League ever since, all while remaining an oddball. OK, the £200m he has invested in the last 16 years has not enabled him to achieve his original ambition of turning Fulham into "the Manchester United of the south" but nor has he turned them into the Queens Park Rangers of west London, which is just as well because one of them is more than enough.

Al Fayed has enriched Fulham's heritage, both by renovating Craven Cottage in a way that allowed journalists to continue systematically referring to it as quaint, and by continually making shrewd managerial appointments to uphold the club's tradition of producing dynamic teams with happy dashes of flair (in the interests of brevity we are overlooking the Lawrie Sanchez misadventure. The Fiver would like to stress that this particular airbrushing of history has not been endorsed by Al Fayed). He also has a pleasing habit of shooting from the hip, whether by branding FA wonks "donkeys who are dazzled by money", flipping the Vs at visiting Hamburg fans during the club's memorable Big Vase run in 2010 or denouncing Mark Hughes as a "strange man" and "a flop who has lost his spark" when the Welshman left Fulham in search of better things and wound up being sacked by QPR.

All of the above explains why the usual yawns and belches emanating from the Fiver were today accompanied by a wistful sigh when reports seeped through that Chairman Mo is on the cusp of selling up and shipping out of the Premier League. He is said to be keen on entrusting Fulham to the sumptuously moustachioed Pakistani-American moneygod Shahid Khan, the owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Whether Khan or anyone else will prove an equally enlightened Fulham owner remains to be seen but the Fiver hopes that a fitting tribute will be given to Chairman Mo for his contribution to the club. That Michael Jackson statue could do with a dance partner …

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"This is only a technical breach. It is not, I repeat not, a case of a footballer thumbing his nose at a court order" – District Judge Bridget Knight reveals how Juventus forward Carlos Tevez has thumbed his nose at a court order by having his community service replaced by a fine.

FIVER LETTERS

"Being New Zealand-based, I see my fair share of Lord of the Rings puns and obsessive Tolkien fan behaviour. But by changing his name by deed-poll, one of yesterday's Fiver letter writers really takes the biscuit. I salute you, Mike Pretious" – Andy Cochrane.

"Upon following the link to the story about the recent less-than-subtle match fixing in Nigeria (yesterday's Bits and Bobs), I was profoundly touched by the photo of a man crossing a bridge in front of a backdrop of heavy traffic. To me it thus spake: amidst the hustle and bustle of the machinations of the modern world, man is but an island, struggling to find meaning, struggling to find direction, crossing a river styx of morality. How apt! Bravo" – John Dorber.

"I've been on holiday and come home to all the updated football news throughout the UK. But am I the only person on the planet to scratch my head and ask why Arsenal are buying Gonzalo Higuaín and offering to buy Luis Suárez … when everybody on the planet knows that what Arsenal need is a good defence and that they should be concentrating on purchases in this area? Arsenal have never had problems scoring goals – Weird Uncle Fiver could play up front for them and he'd probably still bang in 20 a season" – Marc Meldrum.

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BITS AND BOBS

Mark Schwarzer, 95, has joined Chelsea after deciding to quit Fulham in search of no first-team football.

Sky and BT fat cats still haggling over their pick of TV games should pull their fat fingers out, say the Football Supporters' Federation. "Every passing day can see train fares rising," it sniffed. "TV shows fans very little respect."

Good business: Everton have signed Barcelona youngster Gerard Deulofeu on a season's loan.

PSG's Leonardo has done one after his ban for shoulder-shoving a referee grew to 13 months. "We regret his choice but respect his decision," say PSG, who called the ban, not the shove, "deplorable". "We thank him greatly for his contributions."

Alan Pardew says it will take an undisclosed £25m bid to make him sell Yohan Cabaye. "He's still very much in my plans. Like any player at any club, there is a price," he caveated, "but it's going to be a very high price."

New Man Utd boss David Moyes has batted off talk of a rift with Wayne Rooney. Again. "There's been a lot said about Wayne and myself. [But] I've seen him two, three, four times. He's come up to my house, I've been to his," he quipped.

And Arsenal will win the title next season, reckons Theo Walcott. "We could be challenging for anything," he honked. "We could beat anyone."