I learned of this from a fellow Tweeterer, and my first reaction was disbelief, since I don't see how there could possibly be such a thing as a "serious leisure male cyclist." Aren't "serious" and "leisure" mutually exclusive? Then again, I suppose it's a perfect clinical term for "Fred," since "serious leisure male cyclist" does evoke the sort of person who considers himself an elite athlete because he holds a Cat 4 racing license and who has to pay a coach to force him to ride his crabon bicycle.

In any case, here's what the researchers have discovered:

"Plasma estradiol and testosterone levels were significantly elevated in serious leisure male cyclists, a finding not previously reported in any type of male athlete," notes Leah Fitzgerald, Ph.D., FNP-BC, assistant professor at the School of Nursing and principal investigator and senior author of the study.

In other words, "training" makes Freds grow boobies:

Estradiol is a form of estrogen and, in males, is produced as an active metabolic product of testosterone. Possible conditions associated with elevated estrogen in males include gynecomastia, a condition that may result in the loss of male pubic hair and enlarged breast tissue.

As does chamois cream:

The study found an association between an increase in estrogen levels and increasing years of chamois cream use, particularly for male cyclists using the cream for more than four years.

Researchers also released this photo of a man in the advanced stages of Freditosis:

Sadly, it's unlikely that "serious leisure male cyclists" will be dissuaded by this research, for to find a more delusional group of people than amateur male bike racers you have to look to the more esoteric religious sects or the leadership of North Korea. No, the fact is that it's only a matter of time before elevated estrogen becomes a point of pride for Freds, and they begin bragging about their balding mons pubises and robust man-breasts the same way they already like to show off their tan lines and share leg-shaving tips. "Man-maries are so PRO!," the Tweets will read, and they'll be accompanied by Instagram photos of preternatural he-bosoms barely contained by $250 Rapha Alpe d'Huez Merino Climbing Manzierres.

Speaking of Rapha, they certainly stand the most to gain from this, because not only can they start selling bras to Freds, but hey can also tap the burgeoning transsexual market with their bosom-swelling, pee-pee shrinking, estrogen-elevating chamois cream:

I'm not sure it's fair to call Portland a "city." New York is a city. Chicago is a city. Portland's mostly just a handful of trendy businesses that have sprung up around a sawmill. I'm also not sure being #1 anything according to "Bicycling" is something to brag about, since it's sort of like getting a card from grandma informing you that you're the "#1 Grandchild." Plus, as much as I love the good people at "Bicycling," they're not exactly the most cosmopolitan bunch, and while nobody's better at ranking identical Taiwanese crabon bicycles I'm not sure they're qualified to be ranking cities. Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition. Still, I guess we should leave the people of Portland to their celebrations since it's really all they have. I mean, take away the bike stuff and Portland's just a suburb of Beaverton with a few coffee houses and quirky donut shop.

Sadly, "Bicycling" have to resort to these sorts of ploys since people who accidentally click on the pop-ups account for 78% of their print subscribers.

As for me, I don't have time to click through a bunch of slides, since I have a blog to run. (I don't mean this blog, which takes almost no time to run. I'm referring to my other blog, "Wet Hot Fred Boobs," which is extremely time-consuming, surprisingly lucrative, and tremendously popular in Japan.) Still, I wanted to find out how my hometown finished. So I picked a number and clicked on it, and amazingly I guessed exactly right:

I know I'm biased, but I think New York City should have placed a bit higher. After all, we're world leaders in so many areas of cycling:

Ok, this is not exactly a missed connection to a particular person, but I am a real hasidic dude who is looking for a multi cultural bike riding partner/expiriance. I do like to ride down to Coney Island and fort Tilden and Im sure there's a non religious girl who is wants to have a conversation wih someone totally different and learn a thing or two about he culture. I am down for drinks too, but really the weather is so beautiful and this is te time of year.

Alas, it was only a matter of time before the constant parade of "muffin tops" caused a member of the Hasidic community to stray. I'm sure he's eager to teach a willing shikseh "a thing or two about the culture" as well. He's going to singlehandedly dispel that sheet myth once and for all.

Top20ish for a serious mid-pack finish all the way from the Left Coast, "man I've GOT to git a crabon FRAME"

Suk it NYC we're #1, we're #1! Why do I feel like a douchy Laker fan must (when they actually win, ha!). So empty inside. Maybe I'll just ride home and try not to get killed in this bike utopia smug-town.

Isn't it time that bike companies catered to the burgeoning TS leisure athlete market? Can't we have a Quintana Ru Paul? a Cervelo Pre-Op? A Specialized SheVa, An Ibis Tranny (oops), a Trek Madonna? If that wacky UCLA study is right, it could give a whole new meaning to "transition zone"

Wow. Snob, you're firing on all cylinders with this post.Religious sects and North Korea? Mons pubises and Instagram? A feast of random non sequiturs - redundant, I know! - but somehow, you've managed to create a coherent mock here. This is truely a searing bike cultural critique that will resonate with your readers long after they've forgotten why they are thinking about their balding mons pubii while eating tomorrow's Cheerios.

Kudos!

Way to go, Snob, Cheerios and gynocomastia! No, wait, that was me. But you led me there! Kudos!

And then to mock Portland AND Bicycling Magazine at-the-same-time? Nuthin' but net, Snob!

But what is this " sheet myth" of which you write? I'm lost with this one. Stumped even. I can't even think of a way to get mons pubis into that reference and I'm trying here, I'm trying hard.

Plus, as much as I love the good people at "Bicycling," they're not exactly the most cosmopolitan bunch, and while nobody's better at ranking identical Taiwanese crabon bicycles I'm not sure they're qualified to be ranking cities. Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition.

Which fits in so cleverly with today's ending! Positively literary, Snob!

Wow, harsher than normal (though well deserved) comments toward the folks at Bicyclecycling magazine today Snob. Did they drop your column or something? I'd check, but that would require visiting their site or touching their rag.

Today's reading "expiriance" taught me an important lesson: meeting "a non religious girl who is wants to have a conversation wih someone" is often times much more productive than sitting around talking about "he culture," since she reminds me to slow down and take time to enjoy life—after all, "this is te time of year."

I could go on, but the longer this list gets the more I want to move to Portland.

GOLD!

I'm suffocating at my desk here.

I want to move to a biking mecca like Minneapolis or Madison, but they're all way too North. I'd really love a town like that somewhere in the South. I guess D.C. is on the top ten list, but that's only marginally southern.

-Abundance of drivers actively attempting to "manslaughter" cyclists while yelling racial slurs and homophobic comments and casting empty (or full) bottles of Steveweiser at them

-A bike path to almost-somewhere (the only one I'm aware of) that stops in fits and starts, one involving a 2 ft curb-drop into traffic at the bottom of a steep hill. (W/ a small sign hidden behind weeds to alert the ever-ready rider to his or her now-mili-seconds-away death.)

It's obvious he has never been to Emmaus. Why that megalopolis must be a good 2 or 3 city blocks long. In fact. you have to slow down to 35 mph (I think that's right) to crawl through the congested byways of the city. They even have a fireworks center. A legal one that is. How many you got over in brooksliner.

Oh, and bicyling isn't even there. You have to wander in to the wild country to find it. I did that once but couldn't find any bikeys. Only toothless foaming at the mouth organic farmars.

Karl, Sometimes a small amount of undergrowth is nice to help define the vaginal shoreline. I guess it depends on what type of beach we are talking about. A nice compact beach not so much but a open faced roast beach then definately. The DD would be fun. Tell her, "Why don't you try wiping toilet paper on them, hell it made your ass swell up."

I can't get the impotence issue out of my mind at times. What is the upshot of that whole thing?

It seems the cycling culture is yet to adopt noseless saddles. If it be true then it seems we eventually have to accept noseless saddles as a way of life; as just yet another accouterment to our endless series of accouterments. I am not sure crying consiracy is accurate in the case of the impotence issue.

Hard to believe Lincoln Ne didn't make the list at all. As far as I can tell, its infrastructure is superior to Omaha's and while I don't have numbers to back it up, I'd bet it has more commuter ridership, at least by percentage, and quite likely by shear numbers. I guess they need a bikeshare system, even though they don't really.

Okay, I just did a Liz Hatch boobie Google image search and, after the requisite wank, can now report that Liz is safe from fredboob competition. I don't care how big the get, no manboobs will ever compete with them peaches!

So I paid a professional surgeon $1600 and change to knock me out...go inside my scrotum....sever some shit and prevent me from knocking up honey bunny (no you doubters it was NOT state mandated) and all I had to do was keep riding my bike for a bit longer and I would be sterile? Damn it. I could've had a freakin' used Serotta.

...& being as that was the real 'john eustice' responding, i almost feel insulted in being the first commentator to run with bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's swipe & yet i wasn't offered a 'fuck you' of my own...

...truth is, i've had the opportunity to speak with eustice a number of years ago, so i'd have to suggest he's extremely erudite & highly intelligent...while i don't really enjoy his bombastic style of race commentary, i could only imagine the chap quite able to impart great volumes of cycling knowledge to riders with a need...

...i'd also suggest his 'take' on cycling being a sport of graceful artistry is similar to my own, as is his philosophy that one needs to invest in proper cycling behavior for not only the sake of oneself & the good of the sport & but also, so that the hapless but oh so observant general population sees us in a better light...

...we need to play the good energy forward...

...but i still gotta give eban total props for his original comment...it WAS humorous...extremely so...

HA! Oakland made the list and Berkeley didn't place at all?!! Hahahahaha! There are potholes so big in Oakland that entire front wheels get swallowed up! And then some dude runs you over in his donked-out IROC Camaro with bass so loud that your fillings vibrate loose and fall out!At least Oakland lacks the spaced out Prius drivers and distracted Cal students.But really.Berkeley's pretty nice for bikes too.

You know why the short joe arpaio will not take his so called evidence to a US Court, because he knows even in Arizona, the judges will will first have a good laugh and then throw him out on his behind. Please stop listening to the snake oil salesman.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!