Police pull over man wearing only a thong, covered in Vaseline

Despite sharing his name with the famous cowboy actor, John Wayne Kellerman is apparently far from a rough rider, instead prefering the kind of smooth sailing only Vaseline can provide. (Garfield County Sheriff)

You lubricant be serious.

A Sheriff's Office deputy unwittingly found himself in a Michael Jackson song horrifyingly brought to life when he encountered one disturbingly smooth criminal and had to ask this Okie if he was okay.

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According to the Smoking Gun, John Wayne Kellerman was spotted going 57 mph in a 45 mph zone in Garland County, Okla., by Deputy Darryl Beebe.

After pulling him over, Beebe soon realized that the driver's attention was on a needle other than the speedometer.

"He made contact with a nearly naked white male driver sitting in the driver's seat," the police report reads. "He noted that the driver had a bikini thong covering his genitals.

"He observed an opened jar of Vaseline that was nearly empty and noted that the driver had Vaseline covering his hands, upper and lower body parts."

Vaseline protects against minor cuts and burns, but nothing could shield the deputy’s eyes from the sight of a grown man in a thong covered in 100 percent pure petroleum jelly. (Business Wire)

Along with Kellerman's all-too-lubricated torso, Beebe noted that there was an adult magazine in the passenger seat.

After noticing how nervous the driver seemed when he gave over his ID, his hands shaking in perhaps a different manner than they were just moments before, the deputy asked if he'd been masturbating while driving.

Kellerman admitted he'd been masturbating.

"He noted that Kellerman offered a rag to wipe the Vaseline off of the ID Card," Beebe's report continues. "He refused Kellerman's 'semen rag' and returned to his patrol car."

Unfortunately for the motorist, justice came quickly as Beebe noted that the license hadn't been valid since 1985.

After having spent much of the past 27 years in prison for charges including domestic assault, auto theft and narcotics possession, Kellerman was arraigned Thursday for speeding and driving with a revoked license.

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He was freed on $1,000 bond.

The police sergeant who arrived on the scene after the arrest to complete a car inventory "was advised that the driver's area in the vehicle was extremely greasy due to the Vaseline."