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As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello'?"

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

A baboon is walking down the street with a primatologist. Another primatologist is walking toward them, and says,
"Why are you walking with that ape."
The 1st primatologist says,
"Why, he isn't an ape, he's actually an old world monkey."
The 2nd primatologist says,
"I know that, I wasn't talking to you."

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

From a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number One Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Two Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into theBranch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag.";

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the WellsFargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slipor go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Three Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy .. But you still get a sign.

Number Four Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign .

Number Five Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Idiot Number Six
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty bad.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

Idiot Number Seven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Take the sign - Please!

Idiot Number Eight
~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ...they Reproduce ... they vote ...
and a lot of them hold public office!

(OOOOH, I got political, let's see if the thread gets locked! Hahahaha)

"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".