Honesty

What does it cost us to be honest? More to the point, what does it cost you?

It is easy to say “I am honest” but when you told truth about something, what did you hold back so that you wouldn’t hurt them more than necessary? Or just not add that extra fact because they really don’t need all the detail, broad strokes are enough. How about you kept quiet on the other parties involved, just so you wouldn’t create bad vibes where they may not be necessary.

What about the time you withheld the truth from yourself? Refusing to see what is there just so you can carry on?

I have been rather forthright that this year has been particularly challenging. It is now mid-Oct and if anything things seem to be worse. I am ill, and of course everything is worse due to that.

I have also been very forthright with the fact that I have anxiety and depression. Too often we sweep things under the carpet so that we don’t confront others with our problems. This weekend I had to deal with illness and my own anxieties around that, plus the anxiety of having R see me like that.

I hate being ill. That feeling of weakness and extreme tiredness. Being unable to do the smallest things for myself. It is even worse when your partner is standing over you watching you as you hurl violently into any receptacle. Holding you up because your legs won’t work. Standing over you, unable to help you as the pain rips through your body and all you can do is sob and even that makes the pain worse. The anxiety climbs to screaming levels as you wish you could disappear because how could they ever want you after seeing what your body expels?

We have had a year of challenges. Moving in together – never as simple as it sounds. Yet, when I reflect, moving in with my ex was so much simpler. There was not this level of adjustment. Maybe it was because we were young and did not know any better ourselves.

R and I got married – in itself a surprise. Again, not the same feeling as when I married the ex. This time it is less onerous – I don’t feel married and I don’t feel like I have this image to uphold. Puppy came along and he has made our lives complicated and so much fun. He is a character! It is a responsibility not unlike having a child. You have to care for him even when you feel crap.

Add to this mix, mothers (on both sides), kids (mainly mine) and trying to build a career. Finding space to work stupid hours, build networks and put myself out there. Developing a role from scratch, fighting for the salary I deserve, and working out what’s next in terms of R and I, work and life in general.

So when am I honest with myself? All the above is boiling to a head and I can feel that soon something will give. Well it has already started with me being ill. The first signs of needing to step back.

I asked R last night if we hadn’t made a mistake with all of this. If we weren’t hasty. I don’t want to go back to living separately, but my own anxieties make me wonder. I know we haven’t made a mistake. I am aware that a lot of this is just me in a space where I need a break, a little respite from the same routine every day.

We will find our unique rhythm and along with it, the plan of what comes next. We will balance family, friends and work as best we can, and I will learn that a few more breaks are required to keep me sane.

I am being 100% honest when I say that anymore of this and I will go batty. I also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I need to take it one step at a time. Also with 100% honesty, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but today I will aim to make it enough.