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Topic: Sordem (Read 370 times)

So, I would like to share an idea I have worked on for the last year, give or take a few months. And while I have written quite a few other stories, basically all of them are in german, so I apologize if my syntax or phrasing should have suffered from the translation. Now onto the actual premise of this idea:The story plays in the eponymous world Sordem, which (in the current draft) looks like this:

Sadly, this world is in the turmoils of war, but not the average Fantasy War alá Good vs. Evil and knights in shining armors fighting against savage beasts with gleaming weapons and archaic magic. No, this war between the nations and the sapient species, that inhabit them, is fought in muddy trenches, under the grueling fire of artillery shells and the deathly rattle of machine guns. This fantasy world is in the midst of their very own Great War, the first industrial conflict in their history. This is a war with no place for chosen ones, who are destined to save the world, but instead for thousands of nameless humans, harpies, centaurs, satyrs, elfs and other races to fight and die in No Man's land, where magic is not an ancient discipline or a talent, someone is born with, but a phenomenon, that only emerged a mere hundred years ago. Only now scientist are able to understand the basic principles of this new and arcane knowledge, just in time for a merciless arm's race between the warring nations, as they try their best to use this new source of energy and possibilities to gain the upper hand in a war that has grind to a bloody stalemate.

So much about the blurb, now onto the ...

SettingWhile culture and living standards in Sordem are similar to the early 20th century of our history, there are two very major differences. First, there are several different sapient races, which are, while still (mostly) able to reproduce with one another, vastly different in appearance. The 8 main species are: human, harpy, centaur, satyr, elf (although in their current design not as bland as human-beauty-standard-with-pointed-ears-slapped-on-to-it, which I have seen far to many times), snake people (while this is not their name in the story, it is the best frame of reference to get on the same page quickly), arachne and "Druela", a species which I have no accurate widely known mythological species to compare them to, while other species, like the ghirtablilu, are not of a primary concern for now. For starters, let's just remember that these races, while their appearance is directly lifted from said well known mythological creatures, have their own distinct cultures, abilities and, just like human ethnicities, traditional territories. Therefore, while none of the nations in this world are homogeneously populated by only one race, most of them are dominated by one. These nations, as can sometimes be seen quite clearly on the provisional flag, are strongly inspired by the major powers during the first world War. I don't want to delve to deep for now, but if you are interested, I would be more than happy to talk more about them at a later date.The second important difference is the way magic works in this world. I wanted to try a new magic system, one that is fitting for the industrial, grinding and yet ever escalating warfare of the Great War. I came up with a, in my opinion, quite original hard magic system. But first, the basic backstory:102 years before the current date, during this worls equivalent of the battle of Leipzig (1813), a portal suddenly appeared in the sky, visible around half the world. As it turned out, this "Nexus" as it was later called, actually works as a gateway to another plane of existence, which was, in lack of any information of its nature, named "Pandemonium" (based on the mass panics that broke out as the nexus appeared). But it took another couple of decades until it was discovered, that energy could be transferred between this plane and our own world, initiated and directed by certain runes, if these were assembled in the correct algorithm. This meant that it was now able to circumvent the 1st and 2nd Law of thermodynamics, which is tantamount with magic. But it took many years of trial-and-error to find out, how the symbols had to be designed to be able to serve as runes, and many more to identify their meaning in an algorithm. As it turned out, the more the runes deviate from the ideal (and possibly unknown), "true" rune, or the more vage the description of the algorithm is formulated, the less efficient the transition of energy becomes. This alone wouldn't be a problem, if there weren't two more properties of arcane processes: 1. Whatever the actual purpose of the arcane algorithm may be, it always emits an aura of entropy. This means that every materials corrosion in it's immediate vicinity is accelerated. Each material is more or less resistant against this, which also limits the amount of energy, you can draw from or send to the Pandemonium: A few runes on a piece of paper can't channel Megajoules of energy, it would just burst out in flames, while the exact same algorithm, carved in a block of massive lead, may accomplish it. The last property of arcane processes is also the most enigmatic: Each algorithm needs to have contact with a so called "initiator element": tissue of a living, sapient being to start the process, tests with animals returned negative results. While dead tissue like hairs or skin doesn't work, and fresh brain matter shows the best efficiency, blood is the most commonly used initiator element. But this also means, that each arcane process is coupled to a living being: If it dies, the process stops, if the runes of the algorithm are vage or crudely drawn, the efficiency of it drops dangerously low, with the following consequences: If the goal of the algorithm was to extract energy from the Pandemonium, for example in the form of thermic energy as a burst of plasma in the material world, a low efficiency means, that a certain percentage of the required energy can't be absorbed from the pandemonium and has to be taken from the coupled organism, which may therefore freeze to death. An endothermic process, which shall take energy from the material world and transport it into the pandemonium, may cause the neural system of the concerned organism to degenerate under the accumulating "waste heat".

That's the gist of it. Thanks for reading it, I know it may have been a bit complex here and there but I think that this clear cut hard-magic system allows for interesting engagements, and makes a last-minute victory thanks to a magical shenaningan seem less like an ass-pull and more like an intellectual triumph of our main characters, because of the clearly defined rules and boundaries of magic. Which leads uns nicely into the final part:

StoryThe story follows our human Protagonist Jacob von Zollmark (although I am not yet sure about his first name), a college student of arcane studies, who gets sucked into the war, partly by his aristocratic father who wishes his son to follow the prestigious military career he once took himself, partly by his own ambitions to rise to prominence. All to soon he realises that there is no glory to grasp in the bloody trench warfare and the archaic tactics of old generals like his own father lead to the pointless deaths of thousands. From there on, the viewer follows his struggle in the horrifying battlefields of the ever-escalatig war and his slow and hard fought ascent in the military, while the continous improvements in arcane technology let the war differ more and more from the Great War our own world has seen into something even more threatening. We follow him as he witnesses atrocities, unheard of before, like genocide and chemical warfare, and as he loses friends he made in the trenches, as he questions the purpose of this war and his ideals and as he survives dangerous encounters by cleverness and tactical thought.Since I have worked on this for quite a long time, the outline of the story is in an advanced state, so I don't want to spend to much time on explaining the entire story, but this is the premise. So now I am asking you, if you think this idea has potential, and if a writer woud be enticed enough to help me fill out a few of the gaps, give his perspective on already finished scenes and so on. And on a sidenote: I know this is not the "looking for artist"-subforum, but if someone is interested, I would be more than happy to collaborate, since I have basically no artistic skills.

I guess that is all I have to say for now. I am sure I could keep talking about the finer details of the story, the nations and their culture, examples of magic use, the entities in the pandemonium and so on for hours, but if I wasn't able to get your interest with what I have said up until now, I doubt I can get it with this. Now it is on you: What do you think of this so far and would you be willing to explore this world further?

Welcome to MR Chronos I'm Fortis another writer here on the forum. It's a cool idea, I look forward to seeing where you take it. You've actually come to a place where there are a couple of people working with similar concepts (including me) so if you ever want an opinion on things whether it be world building, the story itself, etc. just ask.

Since you brought it up, your grammar and such isn't bad at all, a few minor mistakes here and there.

I have a few questions on what you've put down. First on the various races, are any of these races able to interbreed?

Second, on the races, are they based out of any specific places, like for instance the Snake people are from that south western continent and so on. It would make an interesting subject on the effects of cultural exchange and immigration to various nations during this bloody great war (Sort of like the mass immigration of Europeans before, during, and after the First World War to the United States.)

Third, You show a few flags on your map, are these all of the nations you have so far, or just the combatants in this Great War?

Next, I'm guessing you're going to get further into this world explaining the lore for the various nations and such. But I do have one question, and that's how did this great war start? In our own world the start of the first world war was a messy affair of tangled alliances made to stop another war on the scale of those fought during Napoleon Bonaparte's time that only led to the second bloodiest conflict in history.

All in all, once again I'd like to welcome you to the forum, always nice to see someone else of like mind and interests around here.

First of all, thanks for the warm welcome and the interest, you have shown in the idea. Although I have to say, I am surprised to hear that there are quite a few similar concepts already out there. I would be interested to hear more about them, first and foremost yours, if you have the time.To answer your questions, yes most of the races are able to interbreed, and while for example the arachnes do have a higher rate of birth defects with certain races, this stems from prolonged periods if isolationism in their history. I made this decision to make the international politic more sensible (it would seem very weird for these nations to reach a similar culture and balance of power like the european nations of our world, if royal marriages between different rulers would not have been an option in their history) and emphasize the irrationality of national and racial resentments, emerging over the course of the war.As for the nations, the current flags are neither final products, nor do they show all nations, only most of the more important powers. They do often closely resemble the actual major participants of the war (the purpose of this is to make parallels in the story to the actual course of the war more impactful and to give the reader a better frame of reference, to enable him to understand the relations beween these countries and cultures more easily without the need for a heavyhanded infodump), while the southwestern continent is this worlds equivalent of africa, divided into the colonies of the "european" nations, who draw resources and colonial troops from them. While they do contain the historical domain of the pseudo-egyptian ghirtablilu, they are not independent and not of imminent geopolitical importance. The west of the northwestern continent contains states with similar cultures to China and Persia, which again did have little impact on the Great War (although especially the Chinese had an interesting period of history during this time, but I digress). For now, let's get to the pseudo-european theater.

Spoiler

This is the fatherland of our protagonist, ruled by a young, impulsive emperor, who has an archaic, almost absolutistic understandment of his role in a world, where democratic tendencies continue to grow all around him. They reached national unity quite recent in their history and therefore weren't able reap the spoils of the age of imperalism, unlike their neighbours. They share an old emnity with the republic to their east, not only out of envy for their colonial empire, but also because of a long and bloody competition for the title of the strongest land power of their continent. Since they are, as you almost definitely have already noticed, this worlds equivalent of the German Reich, their culture and army sturcture is according. They are quite industrialized and one of the major driving forces of arcane innovation, influenced by the dependence of their mainly human population on technology to get on par with the natural advances of the other races._______________________________________________________________________________________

I'll give you three guesses which real country this nation represents. The majority of it's population is made up by harpies (the hexapod version), whose ability to fly short to medium distances with light equipment has given them the edge in previous wars, which enabled them to form one of the largest and most stable countries of the middle ages. But the first year of the Great War has shown that their superior mobility is no longer enough to stand unparalleled, unlike a mere hundred years prior, since the (now battle deciding) heavy artillery and supplies can't keep up with their infantry, while machine guns made attacks from the air a near suicidal endeavor. Therefore, the republic is now stuck in trench warefare just like their human enemies, but their superior access to resources and manpower has allowed them to hold the human advance._______________________________________________________________________________________

The nation of the elves is very similar to the Austro-hungarian empire, a strong ally to the humans, but struggling with the nationalistic tendencies of the many different culture groups in their empire. Other than their real world counterpart, they are quite dependent on their single colony, right to the east of them. It is the granary of their empire which gives them a strategical vulnerability that is, of course, exploited in later parts of the story. But for now, they are holding out against their enemies to the north, partly because of their golems, which in this world consist not of clay and magic parchment, but welded metal plates and heavy weaponry._______________________________________________________________________________________

As can be seen on the map, this nation is undoubtedly the largest of the great powers, with unmatched manpower and resources, but underdeveloped and backwards. Together with the flag, it is obvious, that this represents the Russian Empire and quite a big part of the middle of the story plays here. It has a sizeable human population, although many of them have only been recently freed from serfdom and are largely seen as inferior to the Echidna (the snake people, the name stems from a imo fitting figure from greek mythology. I only later found out, that it is also the name of a little mammal. Unfortunate). They make up the bulk of the populace and the aristrocacy and while their natural advantages (Heat vision, large size and resilient) enabled them to form their giant empire, their lack of industrial progress now nullifies most of them on the battlefield. While their serpentine appearence may fool someone, they are actually warm-blooded, although extreme cold may still cause them to move sluggish and react slowly, if exposed to the open for extended periods of time. This has lead them to focusing on defensive warfare, using the wide expanse of their homeland and its harsh climate against their enemies, while using arcane heaters to keep their temperatures up in the trenches. During the course of the story, our protagonist and his companions are later send there to support revolutionary tendencies (inspired by the germans sending back Lenin, although their support ended there), which later leads to ... easily identifiable results:_______________________________________________________________________________________

On the other side of the continent the druela inhabit the marshy and mountainous southern lands of the continent. While most of their industrial heartland is located in the islands near the southern coast, the mainland territories were once ruled by the skerg, another race, which has now been assimilated into the nation as second-class citizens, while their national state has been reduced to a thin patch of land as a puppet state under the druela on their northern border. It's architecture resembles victorian england, but the similarities mostly end there, since this state functions as a federation of duchys, which, after the death of the current ruler, elect the next one among a handful of noble families. This has lead to quite a lot of backstabbing and powerplay between the major houses, and the current head of state is quite well versed in this game, allowing the reader to witness an (hopefully) interesting intrigue to consolidate his power in his domain.

So, this is most of the nations on the main continent for now, leaving out only the last one, which I have no flag for yet. Their role in this war is similar to Belgium, although the Schlieffen-Plan here is heavily modified, with different goals and only executed after the war is already a year old. There is more to say here, but I will keep that for later, because propably have already created an unruly wall of text.

So, to answer your question about the start of the war: It may sound strange, but this part is still quite flexible, since the story of our protagonist only starts after the war has already been going for months, and trench warfare has begun. This doesn't change the fact, that the start of the war has to be brought up, but I am still open to suggestions here, while currently leaning to keeping it similar to the real cause, in other words the assassination of a heir and multiple defence treaties pulling the great powers in one after the other.

You're welcome Chronos. And yeah, sure I'll give you a run down on those. But first, onto the answers to my questions.

That's a good way to go about things, though it might be interesting to see how races that can't interbreed would end up interacting in history.

Hmm. Well before I go any further I think I'll put this out there. From what you've put out so far, this is straight up World War One, with various mythical races, and magic thrown in. So I'd have to ask, why bother making this its own world? You could do the same thing with an alternate version of earth.

To give a good example of this Youjo Senki takes the first world war and adds magic to it. It's technically a fantasy world but the map is almost exactly the same, the sides are almost exactly the same, and the war is effected by the elements added to it by the fantasy additions. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's only one piece of the story being told, in that case the Story of Tanya the Evil. If you haven't seen the series by the way, I highly recommend it.

If you're going to build a fantasy world, then I would suggest not following a piece of our world's history as closely as you have in this current form.

The first world war in the world I've built emerges in a sense closer to the Seven Years War, or perhaps the Napoleonic Wars, as it was already a bloody period in my world's history that peaked into a world sized conflict as various world powers already involved in their own conflicts were dragged into other wars that in the end just became one giant mess of a war.

Going into the lore you provided, it makes sense for the vast majority, except for one thing. The Snake People, Unless they are not originally from the land they now inhabit for their empire, it would make very little sense that they'd have such issues with the cold when they live in such a harsh climate. Aside from that it all was good and made sense.

All of this is just my opinion so take it as you will. If you disagree that's absolutely fine, I'll still be happy to see where things go no matter what.

To give you a general run down of those of like mind around here we go.

To start, I'll point you in the direction of Operative13 aka Op13 and his Chelderan Chronicles, which he has posted multiple stories and lore for over the years. He has also likely been working on his world the longest that I know of.

Then there's OhGodHelpMe aka OGHM, and his 6 Cataclysms Universe which he has posted a fair few stories for over the years as well, though his main project for the past year or two has been his harem/romcom/drama/etc. story Death By Ex-Girlfriend, which is also kickass.

And then there's me, with my universe of Mithra, which I've posted one story for, and previously had some lore posted up for but I've since taken it down to update it. But, to give you some general idea, I've been working on my world since September of 2016, and I've got a pretty good idea of it laid down, along with a fair number of stories to go along with it. Though my main story takes place just before and then into the first world war of my world.

Those are the main three people on the forum who have largely fleshed out universes that also are to an extent if not mainly set in the late 19th to mid 20th century era of their respective worlds. That I know of.

Hope that's all informative and in some way helpful, I hope to see you stick around so I can see the progress you make with your story. And I hope you have a very good day.

Looks like there are quite a few things that could be interesting to look at, thanks for letting me know. The argument about the necessity of the original world is a reasonable one. And I agree, with some changes I could propably make this whole thing work in an alternative europe. This is something I considered, but decided not to do for the following reasons:

1. Since some of the nations are not exact copies of their real world counterparts (for example my austrian elves do have a colony, the english druela have a vastly different form of government, the humans are not landlocked like the German Reich, the role of the belgian satyrs differs vastly from the actual history and so on). I could have, of course, decided to simply cut those differences and make them clean carbon-copies, but I hesitated to do this, since this made it possible to include interesting plot twists and encounters that differ from our course of history (for example a nation switching sides during the war or the aforementioned political intrigue of the druela-ruler), which adds to the overall tension in my opinion.

2. This is a minor one, but I wanted to distance myself a bit from Youjou Senki. It is a good thing that you brought it up, and while I greatly enjoyed the premise of the work and its first episodes (mostly because it proved that there was a viewer base for my kind of setting), I found the later episodes a bit ... bland. Still an entertaining watch, though.

3. If I had to choose, I would say that the element of this concept, that would hook most of the readers initially, is the setting. A world, oddly familiar, with its obvious similarities, but also exotic enough to wonder how that war will inevitably change its course, if fought by mythical creatures and arcane technologies. It was a try to find the balance between too exotic, which would have been alienating and deterrent, or too familiar, with no real stakes or tension, since we know how our own world looks, works and what happened in it. So I while my real world-inspired nations and quite familiar species should help to give the reader a comfortable basis, something to associate them with, the new and unknown world with its own fauna and magic is supposed to give them something new and exciting to marvel at again (ehm, sounds a bit narcissistic. You know what I mean).

This was my thought process. It is still up to you to decide, if it has resulted in a mistake, I am happy to hear your answer about that. About the snake people: Oh, I seem to have forgotten to include that they indeed haven't evolved in this region but moved there during this worlds migration period, originally coming from the southwestern continent, if this eases your concern.If it is not to much to ask, I would also like to hear your thoughts about the magic system I have designed. While I am quite satisfied with it (damn you, creator's bias!) I am afraid it may be hard to convey it to the reader without relying on the dreaded infodump.

Good arguments, I mean in an alternate earth setting, I imagine history would be pretty vastly different considering the rather major changes caused by the additions to the world, so I agree that creating your own fantasy world is the better solution.

On your second point I agree, don't just go and copy Youjo Senki, that's not a good way to go about things.

On the third, this is the most interesting one response wise. Don't be afraid to make more changes to the cultures, nations, and history. There's no way you can make something entirely unique, but that doesn't mean you have to tie yourself to such tight restrictions. While it can be easier for readers at times, don't just settle for creating fantasy Germany or fantasy France with Harpies, if you're going to build your own world then make it your own world. Then it's up to your skill as a writer to bring your readers into this fantastic world they've never seen before and the conflicts that have befallen them. Remember not all info dumps are bad, they can be good if done right. And even then if you have the skill, you can introduce a reader to an in depth and unique world without much infodumping. To use the lore you've provided as an example. The Echidnan Empire, fed up with the overly harsh conditions for their people decide to take the warmer southern lands of the continent and move the people who live there off, whether they like it or not. Or the Harpy inhabited French type Republic who run into issues as the long war screws with their once a year mating season leading to massive birth decline in their populace which could and would cause riots among their military forces. The possibilities are pretty endless there.

On your magic system. As you've explained it thus far, I'd say it could be awesome, it really depends on how it's presented. For instance if you end up with a manga format then the readers could start recognizing the specific symbols for various spells. I imagine forms of the runes would end up being like company logos and other such stuff. But as with any magic system, if it's executed poorly then it could end up being boring or worst of all confusing. Just make sure you have all of the rules down and make a point that the reader understands those rules early on.

Hm, you may be right about room for more truly original content in this world. I shall consider it and see where I can enrich the setting without utterly derailing the storyline. I am also happy to hear that you see potential in the magic system, and while I indeed would prefer to use the manga format, this still leaves me with the lack of an artist. And let's be honest, the chances of finding an adequate artist on free comission is ... less than encouraging.Be that as it may, while I agree, that it is possible to formulate an infodump in an engaging and entertaining way, I am not sure if my current idea for the beginning of the story is up to the task:

Spoiler

The first scene/panel would take place shortly before and during this worlds battle of Leipzig, (hopefully hooking the reader with the imminent napoleonic battle fought by mythical creatures), with the nexus opening in the sky during the first skirmishes, causing both armies to hesitate in awe at this new and strange phenomenon, followed shortly by a few perspectives all around the world, showing members of all species in their homelands, watching the sky astonished and fearfully (this mostly serves to give the reader a first taste of this new world and its various races and cultures), before cutting back to the battle and showing a frontal medium close-up of a soldier, tearing himself from the apparation in the sky, focusing back on the current battle, shouldering his gun, aiming and ... the scene changes to our protagonist, dozed off during a lecture, leaping up as a chalkboard pointer is smacked against the desk, right next to his head. After scolding his student, the professor then continues his lecture about the phenomen that enabled arcane science and the most basic principles behind it. This would only be a part of the full system, to not drown the viewer in too much information, with the more intricate details getting revealed later in the story, for example by dialog with his fellow student or a short verbal exchange with comrades while crafting an improvised device in the trenches.

What I like about this current idea is that it shows quite a few peeks of the world, the races and the Nexus, all of which are new and unknown and therefore hopefully stimulate the curiosity of the audience, while also finding a way to present the information in a way that makes sense, instead of having a Mr. Exposition who explains something for no apparent reason, except filling the audience in. What I don't particulary like is that it is a very basic form of doing that, since it it is still mostly just a narrating character, albeit in a more natural situation. Although it does make for a bit of sympathy for our annoyed protagonist, watching him having to sit through a boring lecture of stuff he mostly knows about (Let's be honest, didn't everyone, who went to college, mentally groan in frustration when a professor started talking about the very basics of your field in the first lecture of every semester, even if it was the fourth?) and it establishes his occupation. What still annoys me, is that this opening utilizes the "It was all a dream!"-trope, which most of the time doesn't really provoke screams of joy from the audience.Another idea would have been to start in the ego perspective of a nameless soldier, charging an enemy trench and dying unceremoniously in No Man's Land, but how do I proceed smoothly from there?

I am curious what exactly makes you think so? I think it would work as a LN and wanted to keep it as an option, but can you elaborate why you feel that it would be superior to manga format? I wanted to go with the latter since I mostly imagine the scenes more graphically, and I wanted to convey, what I felt would be a cool scene, as closely as possible to what I pictured in my head. I don't know if that is the best way to go about things, but it was what first came to mind, so I would be thankful for your input.

I see. Since I have only seen the anime adaptation of Youjou Senki, I have yet to see how the manga handles this subject, although I was under the impression that Youjou Senki created a softer magic system, which may make exposition a bit easier.But while using the format of a Light Novel would indeed solve the possible problems of enormous speech bubbles, it would make my current idea for the beginning impracticable. The most logical choice would have been to narrate from the perspective of a nameless soldier (limited third person) during this pseudo-battle of Leipzig, specificially the one, the last scene of this dream sequence also cuts back to. But then how to implement the short scenes from all around the globe, which I think would add greatly to the curiosity of the reader, if we see only through the eyes of this one person, who has no idea of what happens on the other side of the world? On the other hand, choosing the omniscient narrator, who only follows this soldier for a few scenes, to then "zoom out" and give the reader a short insight about the situation in other locations would feel ... weird, inconsistent in a way, that would not necessarily happen, if the story was told more visually. On a related note, I think it would make the "It was all a dream!"-part look worse, since we would need more information about this character and his thoughts, if we start solely by text, only to then drop him and meet our protagonist. If the situation can be established by visuals alone, without any words, it is much easier to accept the soldier as anonymous and focus solely on the current scene, but if the entire setup has to be introduced by text, you HAVE to give more insight into the character you are following, since the audience would be puzzled to read sentence after sentence, describing situations experienced by a character they know nothing about, so why should they care? But getting them attached to this character, who will naturally have no further storyline, is detrimental too.

That is the gist of it. If you (or anyone, who is interested, for that matter) see a solution for these problems (or a mistake in my logic leading up to them), then I would be happy to hear it, otherwise the manga format will propapbly continue to be my favorised format for the time being ... although this does still leave me with the lack of an artist.