I have a 17 year old daughter that doesn't think she needs to follow my rules, HELP!

Pat - posted on 01/07/2010
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Have been having problems with my 17 for some time now. Her latest act of not coming home on New Years Eve was the last straw. She doesn't think she needs to follow any rules, that she can come and go as she pleases. She is drinking when out and sees no problem with this. We have taken away everything! (phone, ipod, etc.) it doesn't matter she talks her friends into purchasing another phone and then switches the service/number to the new phone. Have spoken to police, counselors, her principle at school. I am at the end of my rope. She left today without me knowing and went sledding. We have a key less entry on the garage door so she walked back in when I asked what she thought she was doing, she replied "I've got nothing to lose, so I went sledding".... I don't even know what to say to her anymore much less how to discipline her. She is 4 months away from her 18th birthday. She wants to move out now but has no where to go. I want her to stay and figure out whats going on. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Anna - posted on 02/09/2014

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hello, I have a 20 year old daughter ,and 5 boys , my daughter was an honor student in high school and one of the best lacrosee goalie , at 16 she got involve w drugs for about 2 months we got her help right away , finish HS and got into a private college , at this time she started to jump from boyfriend to girlfriend , anyway she met a girl from out of state and brought het to my house to live with us , my husband died when she was a senior in hs , anyway thats when my daughter decide to quit college after 1 semester thete was no way to change her mind , goes to live out of state w this girl, after few months she started asking me for money.i send it to her , after 10 months she comes home w tattoos all over , she wants to go back to school but now she feels like I should be supporting her, she has my car all the time cannot ask her where shes going because ad she says none of my business but the wordt part is the curses and she calls me B_____, and C___ and she wishes I was dead she will spit on my grave and many more , slams doors screams at the top of her lungs and we are starting to go toe to toe ,.my 27 year old son lives w me and he has dowms syndrome and its starting to affect him really bad , I want to move but she has a dog that she does.not want to get rid of , that I take care and buy food for , I dont know what to do im getting scare for me and her I need help , I live on long island NY whete can I turn?

Your all crazy. They need to respect and follow rules if not they need to leave. The problem is that the law has taken away the parental authority and they know it and thats why they want to step all over us yes mine left Friday also so I know what I'm saying. Shes 17 and a 1/2 and thinks she can control the entire univers. I told her if you leave its without permission. So what ever happens shes on her own. But thanks alot for everybodys input at least I'm not alone.

I totally agree with Shelia Wyatt. Love is the only way you will get through this. We all knew everthing and more than our parents at age 17..or so we thought at the time. I had a real hard time with my daughter who is now also 17. You do need to make a day/night that is for her and you only at least once a week. Whether it's going to see a movie SHE wants to see or one on one sport, baking, biking, something she wants to do. You also need to be firm and FOLLOW THROUGH. If you are having feelings of guilt, it affects your decision making and that's not love. You need to discipline with love..even if she gets mad or walks out on you. You also need to learn when to let go. There's nothing you can do when she walks out that door on ya. But if she later asks for a ride somewhere or wants money for something..nope she doesn't get it. If that chore she is responsible for doesn't get done..take something she likes away. If she wants to move out..let her..but she will have to buy her own bed, dresser, and anything that you gave her satays at your house( other than clothes and makeup..) YOu don't pay her rent..she thinks she's a grown up..let her be one! Does your mom still provide for you? hopefully not.. :) And things don't happen overnite..it takes time and consistency. I have 3 daughters..age 20, 17 and 12, be glad you only have the one :)

If she's leaving without telling u where she's going n not coming home maybe u need to file missing persons after about 3 times the courts will step in take custody n send her to juve some people may say that's drastic but I don't think kids should walk all over their parents

Your child is trying to be an adult. It appears you have tried to take everything away from her and she still keeps kicking. Maybe try a new approach. Sit down with her and discuss house rules, ask for her input. She is just about a grown up so having her input is a good thing. Remind her of what is important to you regarding house rules, and ask what she would change or add. Listen to her. Rather than take from her, try giving her more responsibility. I do not mean give her everything, if she needs cash, junk food etc she would need to earn that in some way. But in terms of rules, coming and going, cleaning, etc let her have a say and if you agree with it, go from there. If she wants extras work out an agreement that she will work on housework or lawnwork in order to earn those extras, or even pay you. My mom did tough love with me when i was 11 - did not work. i left home and did not return til I was 15 with a baby in my arms. Then left again six months later to live on my own. Kids need love, unconditional love. Not to say to be a pushover, but to always love no matter what. Give rules and boundaries and consequences but try not to be too harsh. Kids learn quick - give a few days of consequences is better than a month. She seems old enough to start helping around the house - show her your budget, have her help, show her how the adult world works for example if money runs out before the month end what do you do....She will learn. Worst time to be angry and punishing with her - this is the time in her life that will stick with her forever so try to make it soft but effective

I have the same problem with my soon to 16 year old. I have reached out to everyone also. No clear cut answers as to if she leaves the house and something happens to her. The situation makes me very nervous. She hangs out with kids who pop pills and smoke mariquania

Hello! I know this is a couple years later but, how did that go with her leaving? I have a 17 boy that keeps threatening me with leaving and refuses to follow rules or respect anything. I told him this morning he can get out if he is so grown and knows everything. If he can't follow simple rules I am done. Just curious if that worked for you?! I completely agree 100% with you!

I hear lots of different opinions on what to do tough love or not. In my daughters case she is a teen but also has issues with depression and detachment disorder. So teling her to leave is making the problem worse I have never felt so helpless. It seems I am in a no win situation my wife is at the end of her rope and it is affecting her health.

OK my daughter is seventeen she will be eighteen in five months she got mad and left the house she called the cops saying her brother shot her in the inside of her right leg by her boot(keep in mind that these were new boots and was rubbing her leg to where she had a sore there)with a bb gun.well anyway few weeks back she got caught with a knife (butcher) at school now she might have got her brother in trouble for no reason. She left I refused to let her back in until she followed my rules.well she is back at being disrespectful hateful and a attitude problem what can I do about ready to kick her out again.she is in a lot of trouble with the law.

Hmmmm.... Marie raise them right, how? The way you were raised with no respect or empathy for others feelings and hey kick them when they're down? Shush your mouth! Parenting isn't easy and good parenting doesn't always work because teens do have their own mind and depending on who their friends are they can choose what path to walk.

I went to talk to some one at the children service at the court house today. I too didn't know what to do with my daughter. Children services asked how her grades are? I told her my daughter has high honors so grades weren't n issue yet. She told me that a lot of the time the kids enter into foster homes and end up worse because they meet worse kids. Also if shes looking forward to entering a good college she would not be able too because shes been in the system. My daughters dream is to go to college and become a lawyer so I DEFINATELY do not want to ruin it for her and after her last talk she doesn't want to ruin it either but I did explain and made it very clear that if she continues acting up I won't have any choice then to save her from ending up dead some where so Ill have to have them take her away. Lets see where things go.

I have a 17 year old daughter as well. I’m a single mom with not a lot of help with my two children; also have a 20 year old son. My idea of nurturing was always respect, always love. My daughter never gave me problems, always did well in school, and always wanted to do the right things. I never had to discipline her, but since Dec of 2012 she has become a different person. (she did go through a break up, that triggered a bad path) She started with not telling me who her knew friends were. Hanging out with them till 4am-6am, without my permission (I took all electronics away) to sneaking out of the house (I nailed her windows shut) I sat down and talked to her , I cried, asked, have a therapist come to our house (to help with what she is going through), called the police to report her as a runway more than 6 times. Explained to her that they can take her to a foster home, as well as the school officer tell her the same. I have canceling in school. She is drinking with these kids, smoking pot with these kids. And with everything going on she even tried suicide. She was in the hospital for a week. Finding mushrooms, alcohol and pot in her system. After that things seemed like they were getting better but then the weekend getaways started. She would leave on Friday and come home either Sunday night or Monday night. Not going to school. I think I did everything I could beside beat her or threaten to throw her out. Well after this last weekend I found out that she was doing Mollies. It’s amazing what you can find out on Facebook. The first thing I did when she came home Monday night was told her to put her head down and I cut a small piece of hair underneath and explained that I will have this tested. This will show me for the past three months what she has been doing and how much. Must better than urine test. I know who these kids are, thank you Facebook. Printed their names for the police. I made the decision to tell my daughter that these are the rules. If you cannot follow these rules you are to pack a bag of clothes and move out.1. No drugs2. Start going to school3. No more hanging with older kids drinking.4. Respect by letting me know where you are, when I have trust again to let out go out5. Answer my calls when I call.6. No staying out all night. These are our house rules, if you 17 or 30. We all have respect for each other. When I leave the house I tell her “I’m going to the store” or wherever I’ll be. I’m not saying if she is still living here at an older age that I need to know ever detail, but it is understandable to tell your friend, parent, roommate that “hey I may not be home tonight don’t wait up or worry” I just hope this works. I don’t want to control her. I want her to wake up and understand that this life style will lead nowhere and if she wants to continue I am left with no choice. This can either back fire terrible or work. I know she does not want to move out. And the last two days she hates me, but she is home, she is safe and she is going to school.

It seem that all of us have the same issue with our teens..I have a 15year old daughter now and it seems to be going down the same road where I have taken everything away..so at this point I am sticking to the tough love therary as much as it hurts us as parents we have to hope that when they make the mistakes as we go through this that it works..best of luck to all of us..I do try to listen to her at times let them express them selfs at times without passing judgment of whats right or wrong sometimes that helps which is when I do alone time or one on one

I understand what you are going thru. My daughter was very strong willed and really gave me a run for my money. We ended going thru counceling and it helped but she was very angry. Once your daughter turns 18 you pretty much can't make her do anything. I suggest counceling. I would also give her something else to lose if she does not follow the rules. If there are no consiquences, she will do what she wants, it sounds like. Remember, this too shall pass. My daughter is 20 now and we are just starting to get along. Good luck to you. Sherry

You may have to to "show her the way" let her move out, she will find out things are much tougher without the comfort of home. Set some rules. You will not help fund her in anyway, she wants to play grown up go for it. If you pay for anything you buys it yourself such as paying tuition. DO NOT give her money she may use it on the wronf=g things. Let her know she is welcome back at anytime without question, but if she returns she will have to obey all the rules no if's, and's, or but's. It tough but some kids really do have to learn the hard way.

Elizabeth, your daughter isn't talking to you b/c she's mad about u not letting her come home at 6 in the morning, she's mad at you b/c she feels like you gave up on her. Did you have heart to heart talks with her or was it a one-way conversation on your end? Did you really try to get to the root of what was really bothering her? She just needs to know that you love her no matter what and it's going to take you to get her there. Best of Luck to you.

Hello, I uderstand what you are going thru been having the same problem with my 18 year old daughter soon to be 19 since she was 17. I tried the talking approach and all that does not work it just gets worse. Even though it broke my heart i had to do the tough love and let me tell you it works, she left on christmas eve but now sjehas a job and has to be responsible to support herself and food and rent. She doesn't talk to me because she believes i should of tolerated her coming home at 6 in the morning like nothing, then i have 2 little daughters what example was she setting. I say let her leave and let her learn the hard way sice she could not appreciate the easy way. best of luck.

I recommend a great book by Tedd Tripp called Shepherding a Child's Heart. It is very good for couples to read before having children, but can still offer you much help even when you have a teenager. God bless you. Marcelle

I have a 17 year old my self. It seems that she has taken over the house. Do you know if she has wants and dreams for her life?? I have found with my own son that if I try to help him try to reach those things and he seems to respond better. She is probably doing the tipacal teenage thing. Try ( as hard as it is and is going to be ) to focus on the positive and maybe the negetive will start to go away. I wish you all the best.

I have a 17 year old daughter that doesn't think she needs to follow my rules, HELP!

Have been having problems with my 17 for some time now. Her latest act of not coming home on New Years Eve was the last straw. She doesn't think she needs to follow any rules, that she can come and go as she pleases. She is drinking when out and sees no problem with this. We have taken away everything! (phone, ipod, etc.) it doesn't matter she talks her friends into purchasing another phone and then switches the service/number to the new phone. Have spoken to police, counselors, her principle at school. I am at the end of my rope. She left today without me knowing and went sledding. We have a key less entry on the garage door so she walked back in when I asked what she thought she was doing, she replied "I've got nothing to lose, so I went sledding".... I don't even know what to say to her anymore much less how to discipline her. She is 4 months away from her 18th birthday. She wants to move out now but has no where to go. I want her to stay and figure out whats going on. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

hi u poor mum its hard rearing teenagers my daughter is 17 turning 18 in june she is pretty good

i more trouble with my 16yr old son, my daughter will ring me if she staying outhe works prt time and studing she wants 2 move out after 18 but dont know as yet but yeah i dont know my heart goes out to any mums with teenagers she will grow out of the crapp one day just ride it through just talk to other people and friends and family, my 16yr old boy comes and goes all the time comes here 4 a shower something to eat and money drives me insane .

This is not a behavior that starts over night. You need to sit down and think when and why this behavior started. There are different types of parenting. Some parents give the kids everything, and spoil them, than it back fires on their face. Some parents don't believe on hitting, they believe in reasoning with their children. I have 5 children. My oldest is 21 my youngest is 7. I have a daughter that is 19, I dare her to ever speak back to me. When she was little she got spank if needed to. As she got older she got smart with her mouth, and I back slapt her while I was driving. Besides those two incidents, I've never touch my daughter. I show her respect and she returns the respect back. your first problem is, allowing you 17 year old out on New Years Eve. You see, If you are the type of parents that let your daughter out to her friends house and sleep over, or let her go out to the mall with her friends, she has cell phones at a young age, you let her go on the computer without checking the websites she is on, or allow her to have a myspace or facebook without you having her password, allow to dye her hair or do her nails at a young age, allow her to have a sidekick (when all parents that have bought a sidekick knows that your child walks around with it on their hands and even seat at the dinner table, and have absolutely no communication with anyone in the house hold but texting their friends from the minute they wake up) even though these things sound stupid, you'll be surprise how much it has to do with their behavior....their friends are a very big influence on them, that's why I let my daughter do things according to her age...She was never allowed to sleep over any friends house, I would onely have the sleep overs at my house, she got a cell phone when she was 16....Children will take advantage of their parents if you allow them...don't let her wlak all over you, I am sure you are not bad parents, get her come counseling, maybe she needs someone else to talk too besides mom and dad, and if you cannot control her, and you are afraid she is drinking or doing bad stuff, than last resort is take her to family court, where they will help you in counseling, and she will have rules to follow are she will have consequenses...I know it sounds terrible, but if you cannot control her and she is sleeping out and not coming home, you are going to need the court system to inforce the law on her...I'm sorry you are going through this, is a terrible thing but hopefully is only a fase...good luck!!

Nothing is going on- you have a full grown woman living in your house and she doesn't appreciate another full grown woman (her equal in her eyes) telling her what to do. First you need to sit down in a famliy meeting with her and your hubby and give her a piece a paper with these words written in a column: rent, electricity, car payment, car insurance, gas/oil, food, clothing, medicine, furniture, housewares, gifts, entertainment,,etc. Now ask her to write what she thinks each will cost when she moves out after graduating HS. Seriously, make her do the exercise. Now ask her how she is going earn that money, what is her plan?

Next show her your written (poster size) house rules. Let her know the consequence for breaking them and stick to them. I find the best consequence for teens who are so connected to their communication toys and games, and to eachother is to have none of that. I call it "tabling." The teen is made to sit at a table with nothing to hear, see, play with, listen to, NADA! You or your hubby have to be in the room (so bring a good book) and DO NOT ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION! Just say "we can talk about that after our table hour."

Now you may say "what is I tell her to do this and she says NO! (the make me! answer). Then have your hubby put a lock on her room door and a one way lock on your outer doors with a key only in your pocket. She will do it cause she won't be eating, sleeping, watching TV, or anything until she does- you are the boss of your home and your rules until they move out!!!

If you can afford it- get her in one of those survival weeks. The girl needs a wake up call! I also suggest you watch that show on TV (without her) "Worlds Strickest Parents". You will feel supported then and you will pick up a lot of ideas!

Please join me on "We Survived Our Teenagers!" to tell us how it is going for you and to glean more real advice from parents who have raised challenging teens. Just click on communities above. Good Luck- Jude

Your home and everything in it doesn't even compare to what your child means to you. I would give up everything I have for one of mine. I have 7, and have been through 7 teenagers. Letting them move out and not letting them back in if they are broke is dangerous. You must pick your battles. The life or health of your child isn't worth the risk. Teenagers are still children, they just don't know it. I don't have one child that takes advantage of me and my husband. They are all self supportive. They still know that my door is always open to them, anytime they need us. Did I go through some bad stuff with them, you bet. But, figured out really fast that "honey attracks more bees". Love and patience is still my enouragement to you guys. Yelling and nagging just pushes them away. Yes, they have to make some mistakes and face some consequenses but it is our job to try to protect them from harm whenever possible. Best of luck to you all.

i was in the same frame of mind when i was 17. thought i knew everthing and my mom was wrong so i moved out and it didn't last long. i had very little money and got into a abusive relationship that i end before i got beat up. sometimes you have to live and learn. some parents will let the kids leave but they have to leave everthing behind because they have not paid for it.including cell phone. we have rules and if they are not followed then they can leave and be the adult they want and have the responsibilities that come with it. i have a 19yr old daughter, 18 yr old son and 15 yr old son that seen what his brother and sister have done and is not doing what they have done. he's busy in soccer.maybe if she leaves again without you knowing then you should go out and don't answer your phone so she can wander what your doing. try role reversal on her. show her how she acts and then maybe she will see how it afects you. i tell my kids if they can't talk to me just write it down on a paper and give it to me. it works very well. they don't want to disapoint us. just remind her you will always be her mother and you love her unconditionally. lot of times it's the friends they are with. i see it in my daughter with different friends she has. try to get to know her friends and the parents they might be feeling the way you are. just hold on you will get your daughter back.

I am sorry to sound so harsh but my son is 18 and every now and then he may get a little smart mouth with me but he knows not to push me to far or his stuff ( the stuff he bought with his own money not mine) will be sitting out side and the locks will be changed. I don't want to lose him but when they think they r grown enough and they don't have to listen to what u have to say and disrespect the home that u have worked so hard to provide for them and not to mention the only one that will ever love them as much as we do. Then it is time for them to HAVE to stand on there own 2 feet....Its either sink or swim time! I know its hard but unfortunately that is part of life.... I don't want u to lose the daughter u love so very much but u have done ur job as her parent. As long as u have told her the rules and consequences of her actions that's all u can do. U have enforce ur rules.

She is thinking she is an adult and is mature enough to decide for herself. Right now her , me, me mode is on. Yeah, she doesn't care how much trouble she gets into, she isn't feeling connected to you right now. Some say go with the tough love, but I say go with lots of love and care. Talk to her, one on one, not to nag, not to complain but to just let her know how much you love and care about her. Let her know what kinds of things you want for her, find out what it is she wants to do and support her in her mission. Do things with just her, movies, shopping, out to eat. Have her help you with something that is important to you. Remind her that it's the things she does that you don't like but will love her no matter what. Let her see the human side of you, the softer side. Show her that your feelings get hurt too. She will come around with much love and patience. If moving out is all she can think of, then you might just have to let her make that mistake before she will see the light. Good luck!!

Sometimes tough love is hard, but can be the best thing. It seems like she thinks she has it all figured out? I know its hard raising teens, girls especially. I had some troubles with my daughter when she was 16, she got pregnant at 17. She will be 20 in Feb and has two baby girls now. I had to show some tough love. Sometimes we parents have to let our kids make a few mistakes on their own before they figure out that they dont have it all together and do need the help and advice of their parents.You have tried everything else and it hasnt worked so why not try that approach. I know its not easy when its totally opposite of what you want to be doing, but trust me it works, or at least it did in my case. lol