Incestuous relationship - My ex and his sister

I want to know what your views on this topic is. I want to know because I have long suspected my ex and his sister had/have some kind of incestuous relationship. I am an only child so understanding the sibling dynamic is really difficult for me.

I have dated guys with siblings before and I never got that strange gut-sick feeling that I get when I think about my ex and his relationship with his sister. Intuitively, I have always felt something was rather off with that relationship.

Add to that the fact that I was his first REAL relationship and that he met me only after his sister left to live overseas. The large majority of our relationship took place while she was overseas. His previous relationships while his sister was still around, were all very short-lived and unfulfilling (according to him). I find it hard to believe that this is just pure co-incidence. Add to that the fact that after his sister came to visit last December, out entire relationship fell apart.
He was a different man around her; a stranger to me.

He also told me that if it came down to me or his sister that it wouldnt even be a choice for him because he would ALWAYS choose his sister. I understand that family is important; but if this man tells me that he wants a life with me, wants to live with me and see's himself being with me for a long time, how can he say that?
Incidentally, his views on his relationship and future with me changed after she was here in December... He no longer wanted to talk about the future or living with me.. nothing.

Its been more than 2 months since our breakup and this issue has been gnawing at me since December, and it still is... even though we arent together anymore. It concerns me because we ended on good terms and if there is a chance at a reconciliation, im not sure I could do it purely because I know his sister will always be a part of his life and that he would leave me at the drop of a hat for her...

I feel like Im insane... That im making this up. But my intuition and instinct tells me that this is not right. Im seeing a therapist so I hope she can help me make more sense of it.

I know its not impossible for siblings to fall in love with one another. I just need some insight into my situation though (even though there is a lot more to the story about the time she was here). What do you guys think? Am I/ Was I justified in being so paranoid about their relationship?

He got really mad the once when I let slip a joke about them two (Insensitive, I know). I just cant shake this feeling.

A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde
I know Im not much, but I am worth better than that - Sergeant Bennet Drake (Ripper Street)
Love is like taking a dump, sometimes it works itself out but sometimes you need to give it a good hard push - Cartman (South Park)

I have siblings and I don't think your ex sounds like he's in an incestuous relationship. I too would choose my siblings over a partner depending if the situation warrants it. I am particularly close with my twin sister and so if she raised concerns about a partner I would pay attention. My siblings know me better than anyone else so I trust that they have my best interests at heart because they have a vested interest in my happiness (that I don't question). Not everyone who has siblings would agree with me on that by the way but for me I don't see anything abnormal about the relationship with your ex and his sister just based off what you say. He could genuinely be someone who is very close to his sister and respects her feelings on his relationships. Who knows.

You are seeing a therapist to try to make sense of your ex's behaviour with his sister? I think you should move on from your ex, if he was still your boyfriend it would be a different story but he is your EX boyfriend. Try your hardest to move on from him.

I have siblings and I don't think your ex sounds like he's in an incestuous relationship. I too would choose my siblings over a partner depending if the situation warrants it. I am particularly close with my twin sister and so if she raised concerns about a partner I would pay attention. My siblings know me better than anyone else so I trust that they have my best interests at heart because they have a vested interest in my happiness (that I don't question). Not everyone who has siblings would agree with me on that by the way but for me I don't see anything abnormal about the relationship with your ex and his sister just based off what you say. He could genuinely be someone who is very close to his sister and respects her feelings on his relationships. Who knows.

They arent all THAT close. They have absolutely nothing in common with one another other than parents and family... They are polar opposites. Their interests are utterly different. It just seems like he would give up his own happiness for the sake of hers. Its just that she changes him when they are around each other. He treats her as if he would me, only better. He would go out of his way for her and wouldnt do the same for me. He then *****es about her to me.. it makes no sense. I just feel like when she is around, there is no space for any other woman in his life. She becomes his 'girlfriend'. I got neglected completely.

It just all bothers me because surely all of this isnt just coincidence.

Last edited by pandorasbox1; 05-19-2013 at 07:43 AM.

A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde
I know Im not much, but I am worth better than that - Sergeant Bennet Drake (Ripper Street)
Love is like taking a dump, sometimes it works itself out but sometimes you need to give it a good hard push - Cartman (South Park)

You are seeing a therapist to try to make sense of your ex's behaviour with his sister? I think you should move on from your ex, if he was still your boyfriend it would be a different story but he is your EX boyfriend. Try your hardest to move on from him.

I am not seeing a therapist purely for the sake of making sense of their relationship. I am seeing a therapist for other reasons; I am seeing her so that I can get myself back on track.

I am and have been trying to move on. Today is day 17 of NC so I think I am making strides.

A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde
I know Im not much, but I am worth better than that - Sergeant Bennet Drake (Ripper Street)
Love is like taking a dump, sometimes it works itself out but sometimes you need to give it a good hard push - Cartman (South Park)

Some siblings are very emotionally close. So that in itself is not incestuous as incestuous is defined as having inappropriate sexual relations with a family member.

What is more problematic here is that he was a totally different person with his sister than you. That means that he was never really 'himself' around you, either because he doesn't know how to open up to someone who is not family, or because the combination of his personality and your personality stifled both of you because you didn't really mesh as a couple.

Siblings and family members can have a LOT of influence over choice of a partner for some people. It could be a case that the sister got home and took a dislike to you and started working against you. People can and do break up if their family doesn't approve, so that in itself is not all that uncommon, though people do need to make their own choices and sometimes don't if they're a passive personality and let the family decide for them who they will and won't date.

Regardless, he is over and done so i would focus on you and not his sister or their relationship. Not really relevant anymore to you and your life. Use your time with the therapist to focus on you and your own goals.

What is more problematic here is that he was a totally different person with his sister than you. That means that he was never really 'himself' around you, either because he doesn't know how to open up to someone who is not family, or because the combination of his personality and your personality stifled both of you because you didn't really mesh as a couple.

Siblings and family members can have a LOT of influence over choice of a partner for some people. It could be a case that the sister got home and took a dislike to you and started working against you. People can and do break up if their family doesn't approve, so that in itself is not all that uncommon, though people do need to make their own choices and sometimes don't if they're a passive personality and let the family decide for them who they will and won't date.

Regardless, he is over and done so i would focus on you and not his sister or their relationship. Not really relevant anymore to you and your life. Use your time with the therapist to focus on you and your own goals.

He always told me that I was the only person he has ever really felt comfortable around and that he felt he could be himself around me. So I feel its that he couldnt be himself around her. Not the other way around. He was always awkward around family and never really had anything to say to his own parents. His family liked me and all thought that we were very well suited to each other.

I dont think in her time here that she said anything negative about me to him. Her and I never actually even had a conversation with one another while she was here. She knew nothing about me. All she knew was that her brother loved me deeply and that I was the longest relationship he has had and that the rest of the family approved of me; they never approved of any of the others.

I always knew him to be quite strong willed and he is very independent and has a "if you dont like it, you can leave" attitude... He is not at all a passive or spineless person. So I dont think his family, nor his sister in any way influenced his decision to leave me.

I dont think they had a sexual relationship. Just that their relationship felt romantic in a sense that she was in essence his 'girlfriend' and there was no longer any space for me.
Like I said, there is a lot more to the story than I am mentioning here.

A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde
I know Im not much, but I am worth better than that - Sergeant Bennet Drake (Ripper Street)
Love is like taking a dump, sometimes it works itself out but sometimes you need to give it a good hard push - Cartman (South Park)

I guess this issue is just so important to me because I feel like it was our undoing... Having this be unresolved leaves a lot of loose ends for me. I feel I need closure and he never really gave it. I dont know. Part of me blames his sister but I know that he and I both had a hand in destroying our relationship. I feel like his sister being here was a huge turning point.

Maybe im looking for someone or something to blame. I just feel like I havent got the closure that I need from all that happened and the way in which our relationship broke apart so quickly.

A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde
I know Im not much, but I am worth better than that - Sergeant Bennet Drake (Ripper Street)
Love is like taking a dump, sometimes it works itself out but sometimes you need to give it a good hard push - Cartman (South Park)

I think it would help to give more concrete examples of the things you think are inappropriate or sexual in nature. Most people are going to assume you're overreacting if you only provide vague opinions about how you feel excluded from their relationship. I know it must be tough when you're going through a hard time already, so it's really important to frame your questions in a way that encourages people to take you seriously and get the kind of responses you are looking for. If you really believe something was up, I'm sure you can examine and recall their interactions more closely and come up with something.

Otherwise it really limits what kind of advice we can give on here. Trust your instincts though...clearly there is a good reason why you're no longer with your ex.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Its sad you didn't get the closure you wanted but you'll move on one day irrespective of whether he gave that to you or not. Look unless you walked in on them kissing or something I still don't see why you'd think there relationship could be of the romantic variety. I have a very different relationship with my siblings to that of my parents - we're bonded by our mutual experiences and the way we were collectively raised. It's a very different kind of relationship. One of my sisters is very different in nature to me and sometimes I don't understand the things she does but that doesn't mean that I don't respect or love her. I'll allow her to have an input into my life all the same - doesn't mean I'll always follow her advice but her opinion is valued by me. You don't have to be the same to value the opinions of your siblings. At the end of the day his relationship with his sister is a long standing one. She knows him better than you do irrespective of how comfortable he was with you at one time. Relationships will come and go for him but the one he has with his sister will be for life. I doubt the way he treats his sister is a new thing. I'm sure he was the same way with her before you ever entered the picture. You will move on from this...you will. I wish you the best of luck on your lifes journey.