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29/04/2011

Regular followers of current affairs may have felt inspired by the recent growth in street protest. Many will have thrilled to the exciting images on rolling news channels, cheered as one group cunningly outsmarts another, and marvelled at the use of modern technology. Some will feel it is their turn to step up to the plate, to take part in history, and to play some small part in changing it. But then the big question arises: Which side should you join? For those reaching for the balaclava, I present a quiz - take this and find which side you are really on!

Question 1

Your sixteen year old daughter brings her first boyfriend home to meet you. He is mixed race. You notice he appears to be deaf. Your daughter confides that his last relationship was with another man. Do you:

a) Phone the police and inform them that your daughter has been raped. Tell them the bastard is in your house, and they'd better get to him before you do.

b) Embrace your daughter, mouthing OMG! OMG! (in a strictly non-denominational way) update Twitter, then faint. Once recovered, earnestly inform boyfriend using sign language that you will support his fight to reclaim his history. Remind him that he is in fact dual heritage - the term 'mixed race' is a social construct of imperialist fascist state designed to repress him and his people.

c) Search the fucker. 'Discover' one of your kitchen knives hidden in his jeans. Place him under citizens arrest, then beat the crap out of him when he 'resists.'

d) Invite a member of your extended family to confirm your daughter's hymen remains intact. Beat her soundly for her insolence. Force her to marry her cousin.

Question 2

An area of green-belt land near your house is earmarked for redevelopment as a bypass. A group of environmental activists have set up camp, and have organised a range of peaceful workshops to highlight the environmental damage that could be caused. How do you react?

a) Spend the afternoon in the pub watching football on Sky. Yell racist abuse at the non-white players. Call the foreign players 'fucking queers.' Gather some like minded souls together and stand outside the pub with your shirts off. Walk to protest area singing songs suggesting that the occupants are 'not singing anymore' and will be making use of the local paramedic service to travel to their home addresses. Fall out with other members of the group whilst on route, engage in mass brawl, get nicked.

c) Grow beard. Join group and have sex with numerous women. Persuade previously peaceful protesters to occupy nuclear weapons factory then start World War 3. Flee to another country and sell story.

d) Seek out most vulnerable members of group, mainly those troubled by mental health or drugs issues, and bang on about Jesus until they surrender.

Question 3

Your local sixth form college organises a march through the town centre to protest against the removal of free milk. As they pass the council offices some force their way in. One throws a fire extinguisher from the roof, narrowly missing fellow protesters and a line of police officers. You are passing by. How do you react?

a) Leave a pig's head outside the local mosque.

b) Call the student's mother - tell her that her son has not done anything, that he is not the person that may appear in the press, and that he was in class at the time. Suggest to her that under no circumstances whatsoever must she take him by the ear and march him to the police station. If challenged, blame the police.

c) Ignore everything. Send slightly podgy friend in a luminous jacket and comedy hat to stand in front of a window that several students are attempting to break. Ensure friend sustains 'injury'. Wait until next demo, find 2000 extra-hard mates and batter fuck out of the students.

d) Assume student is homosexual due to having long unkempt hair. Issue fatwa.

Question 4

You find yourself on a protest march. All is peaceful until you notice elements sporting balaclavas, and making efforts to conceal their identity. What are your thoughts?

a) Hope they get them on the right way up - It's hard to breath through the eye holes.

b) Refer to Comment is Free on The Guardian website. Establish whether protest is supported by posters using left-wing monikers. If so, inform balaclava wearers that you will fight to the death for their right to take part in 'direct action.' Otherwise, hurl threatening insults at balaclava wearers, informing them that they are 'fascists'. Ensure that there is a line of police officers between you before embarking on this course of action. This is important.

c) Wait until the group start smashing up shops, take photographs for circulation in the local paper, then place the local Womens Institute under citizens arrest whilst they enjoy their weekly tea and muffins at a posh cafe.

d) Ensure that any females in your group are suitably covered. Lecture them on their moral failings, then go and have sex with an eastern European prostitute whilst drinking whisky.

Question 5

A mate phones you. He tells you he thinks his neighbour is a suicide bomber. He thinks he's gone out, but isn't sure because he's been in the toilet. State your actions.

a) Beat up the bloke in a turban who owns the local newsagents. Firebomb the mosque.

b) *sigh* Instruct your 'mate' that he clearly doesn't understand that the oppressed are driven to such acts due to American support for Israel. Demand that he seek re-education and offer support inshala.

c) Get your SAS mates to blow his head off.

d) Great!

Question 6

You hear a commotion from next door. You see the police, and hear shouting from the kitchen. You look through the window and see your reggae singer neighbour prostate on the floor with a knife in his chest. What do you do?

a) Petition Parliament to insist summary execution of blacks is placed on a statutory footing.

b) Contact the Socialist Workers Party emergency number and request urgent supplies of placards.

c) Immediately usher officers into your house and allow them privacy to 'refresh their memories'. Remove knife from chest and put through washing machine.

d) Stand outside neighbours house chanting about divine retribution against lovers of Satan.

How did you do?

Mostly 'a': You are on the side of the English Defence League. Ensure you check your mothers birth certificate. She may be your sister.

Mostly 'b': You are a left-wing agitator. Grassroots acitivism and diversity are your watchwords. You are never wrong. Remember: Whatever it is, you're against it!

Mostly 'c': You are a prospective member of the Metropolitan Police Service Territorial Support Group. Continue to bang your head on a wall until the voices stop.

Mostly 'd': You are a religious fundamentalist. You are a nutter. Get help.

4 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Brilliant. Your creative side has been thrusting to the fore lately.

How do you feel about joining a protest group to restore the uses of 'may' and 'might'? 'May' implies something to do with permission; 'might' is to do with possibilies - or even probablilities. For example . . .

"He may beat the protester senseless" could be interpreted as permission given by (say) an inspector on the scene.

"He might beat the protester senseless" could be interpreted as not being too sure, say, about how a colleague will perform under a bit of pressure.