Mr. Chapman, a 24-year-old left-handed pitcher, told police that he and Ms. Manrique recently started dating after meeting in the Baltimore area.

Well, that’s awkward.

As is the whole robbery scenario itself, as the linked story goes to great lengths to explain how stringent security is at the hotel in question. Reading between the lines, one almost gets the sense that the reporter was getting fed some background by police and/or hotel security who are skeptical of the woman’s story and want to communicate that they do not believe that some random act of criminality occurred. I’m guessing more will come of this.

As for Chapman: in the past two weeks he has either been explicitly or implicitly accused of being a reckless driver, a home-wrecker and a tool of the communists in an effort to carry out political persecutions. At this point I got even money that Chapman is running a panda smuggling operation out of his apartment or something. He’s likely got grifts going all up and down the Ohio Valley.

As for this crime in question: I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about… I’ve got information man! New s— has come to light! And s—… man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it… a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that’s cool… that’s, that’s cool, I’m, I’m saying, she needs money, man. And of course they’re going to say that they didn’t get it, because… she wants more, man! She’s got to feed the monkey, I mean uh… hasn’t that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

In order to pass Slobbering Ozzie in entertainment value, you would have to get by him on the left into oncoming traffic on a blind curve on a road frequented by tandem trailer lumber trucks. Good luck.

If he’s smuggling pandas, they should throw the book at him. We have our hands full with invasive species as it is. Pandas are horrible. They can reduce your beautiful bamboo garden to sticks in no time. I have to spend hours every month spraying my bamboo to eradicate the little bastards. And what’s worse, they lay thousands of eggs. You turn over a bamboo leaf and see all those little tiny black and white spots – well, you can kiss your Japanese meditation garden goodbye, you know? They’ll leave nothing over but the stalks and rocks and the pegged rake. If you’re the organic type, you have to work even harder, washing every leaf with oil soap. Pandas suck. They’re not as bad as meerkats, granted, but they still suck. It’s even worse if you don’t do cute.

One of my favorite things to do is send a text to my buddy who drives a Honda Element asking him if he’s in his car. He almost always responds “No.” To which I respond with, “YOU’rRE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT DONNY.”

The Dude: It’s like what Lenin said… you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh…
Donny: I am the walrus.
The Dude: You know what I’m trying to say…
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch…
The Dude: Oh yeah!
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?