Friday, June 16, 2006

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... hold on, I need to take a break for a second here.

(changes his underwear after peeing himself)

And, I'm back. Sorry about that, I had to compose myself after nearly laughing to death.

Perez, you realize this isn't a magazine, right? You also realize it's a cheesy FREE newspaper that's just handed out around the city, right? You also know that the "Dose" newspaper isn't going to be around much longer, right?

Let me break it down for you Perez.

There were 3 of these free newspapers that started around the same time. "Dose", "24 Hours", and "Metro". However, the only one that's caught on is "24 Hours". Dose has been mocked and ridiculed since the day it was launched, and the readership has been dropping off more and more all the time.

From what I've heard Dose isn't going to be around much longer, so I hope you don't expect a follow-up article on you. And now that I see the kind of stories they're doing, I think I know why it's dying.

Proud to be in Dose, you fuckin' slay me Perez. Maybe you should try to get in The Enquirer next!

Oh, and by the way, the below snippet is the most retarded thing I've ever read. It just proves how delusional some of your readers really are:

"Please write more about youself Perez. Less celebs! And, more pictures of YOU!!! You're hotter than Brad Pitt."

UPDATE:

Apparently Dose isn't even handed out on the street anymore, nor is it available in curbside newspaper boxes, it's only available online. I guess they weren't making enough from adverisers to justify the printing costs. That must be one kickass paper!

This is a post a wrote back in May. It's when Parasite dumped her last fuck.

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It’s Friday night and our hero, Perez is standing in line at Rite-Aid on La Brea & Santa Monica. He’s ears are still ringing from the phone conversation he had with his mother.

“Mejo! You better be on time for your niece’s quinsinetta! You spend all your time with those nasty girls and never with your la familia! Your Nana isn’t getting any younger and she asks about you. Make sure to bathe, too! You probably catch lice from those girls you hang out with.”

Perez in fact did have a skin problem that he was taking care of, which was one of the reasons he was at Rite Aid. That and to pick up some snacks and some damn present for his niece. Just the thought of driving to Montebello to see his family made Perez’s want to hurl.

Shoving a fist full of M&M’s in his mouth, Perez shouted at the clerk “Can you hurry up?” His nerves where shot and the itching in his groin was getting worse. “Oh why did I go to that bath house last week????” he whined to himself while taking a huge gulp from his liter of Dr. Pepper.

“I am soooooo done with Stavrus! It’s over! Over! OVER!” Paris Hilton replied while stomping her feet like a four year old. “Perezy-poo. I need you post this on your website right NOW! And while you’re at it, I have some more ugly pictures of Nicole. Put those up too!”

“Yes Paris. Anything for you Paris.” Perez painted into the phone like a dog. “I’ll do as soon as I get back from seeing my family.”

“Noooooooooo!” Paris whined, “I need it now!” a phrase that was familiar to her. “Listen Tubby, we have a deal. Your mother can hold her frijoles. Now move!”

Perez, snapping to attention like a good little solider, “Yes Paris, I’ll rush home and take care of it”.

“Oh Prezeykins I knew I could count on you!” La Hilton purred into the phone. “See ya Sunday from brunch!”

Perez was now in a panic. He had to take care of Paris’ first and then face the wrath of his mother and grandmother. Sweat was forming on his forehead as he watched the Rite Aid clerk scan his purchases. The clerk looked up and rolled his eyes as he scanned the box of RID. “What are you looking at? Just hurry up. I’m in a hurry” Perez snapped as he slammed his credit card on the counter.

The clerk swiped the card as Perez tapping his chubby little fingers on the counter.