Fare Forward

Monday, January 9, 2012

I am going to take some after pictures tonight, if I can remember. Otherwise I will do it tomorrow. All the things are done. ALL THE THINGS. As of this morning. Well, except I am going to refinish the coffee table I found. It was only $7, I figured for that price it was worth a little work. And Tuesday I will have TV.

Also, my dad and his girlfriend were in town this weekend. His girlfriend is my mom's former best friend, and my mom does not know they are dating.

Also also, my mom was supposed to come out here tomorrow with a friend of hers to go skiing, then she emailed me to "let me know" that she wasn't bringing her friend, and was instead going to stay at our house Tuesday through Saturday. Shockingly, I was able to tell her that wasn't OK, and we are now scheduled to meet in Boise on Friday for a couple of days. Don't worry, I will be back in time for the Packers game. So this means I get a couple-day reprieve between parental visits, which is...awesome. And I kind of stood up for myself with my mom. It almost made me vomit to tell her that it was not OK for her to invite herself to stay at my house for a week, but I DID IT GODDAMN IT.

I think I was only able to do it because I am so frazzled and on edge that I honestly could not handle the thought of her being in my home right now. Plus I am nursing a hangover on two hours' sleep. It added a sense of urgency.

Anyway, sorry for the boring post, but I PROMISE YOU WILL HAVE PICTURES SOON! AND MAYBE GRAPHS! LOOK, I WILL SPICE THIS UP RIGHT NOW WITH AN IMPROMPTU POEM!

The days are colliding and smearing
And so far the things that we're fearing
Have all come to pass,
Like ice in a glass,
Cold, smoking, and burned.

Friday, January 6, 2012

So I am just blowing off steam here right now. I have a guy in my house fixing my floor. And by house I mean apartment.

Yes, I am officially entirely moved over. And all the things-- well, most of the things, are in working order. There are appliances and a shower and everything. Electricity, even. My new TV will be hooked up on Tuesday. My couch and chair are perfect and I love them. The shelving I designed turned out absolutely perfect. The color of the walls is the best color EVAR. The floors are beautiful. The gas range has a burner that is LITERALLY MEANT TO MAKE GRAVY. Well, maybe not literally. Literally it is a burner for using a griddle top. BUT! BUT! You can put your entire roaster pan on it and it is PERFECT.

And yet.

And yet.

I cannot sleep. I am depressed and zombieish. I have problems maintaining any sort of positive outlook on anything. I think I may be addicted to an online game. I am scattered and sad and I have no idea what I am doing from one moment to the next. Everything sucks, everything is awful, and I feel like I am just malingering, and I need to get over it, or move on, or do something-- but I don't even know what I am supposed to do. Or how I am supposed to act. Or what is even going on. Like, what are we doing?

Does he honestly think this is a functional relationship, him living there and me living here? Does he think I am supposed to just be fine with this, like things are fine? Because they are not. Things suck, and I am chronically lonely, and I know that I take my self-worth from others, because I have not yet learned, after all of this time, to see that I am worth something on my own, without someone there to tell me that. And there is no one here, and when there is no one here, all I want is anyone to love me. And I know that is fucked up and stupid, and I should be able to learn to just be with myself and my thoughts or whatever, but MY THOUGHTS SUCK RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BATHTUB TO DROWN IN. Or drown my sorrows in. Look at me, ending sentences with prepositions! WOO HOO IT'S GETTIN' WILD IN HERE.

My point being that I do not even know if I want to be in this relationship, because I feel like I am a contortionist these days, trying to fit into what I need to be. I just want a break.

The only thing I am doing correctly right now is not drinking myself into a stupor. But that might just be because I lack the motivation to buy alcohol. I guess also I am still standing. But just barely.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

On the plus side, I stopped drinking like an alcoholic, and started drinking like a normal person. My team won the Superbowl last year, and looks like they're headed there again this year. I gained and lost 20 pounds. I started my happy blog, which has been sadly neglected for a while, but will be up again soon. I got to meet some online friends. I took over the operation of my business, and while we aren't exactly up this year, we aren't down, either, which is good news. Perhaps most significantly, I found and strengthened some friendships, especially here at this internet place, but also in my day-to-day life. It has always been hard for me to... I don't know, open up to people. So that is a big thing.

On the downside, a few close friends and relatives of mine died suddenly this year. One of my close friends was diagnosed with cancer and began chemo. I had some major changes in my personal life-- a lot of upheaval and sadness, which is kind of carrying over to this year, although it is slightly muted by the progression of time.

On the I-don't-know-how-to-feel-about-it side, which would be the middle side, I have begun steps toward recovery from problems I have carried with me for a long time. I am trying to be a person again.

I am hoping that 2012 will be drastically different from this year. I am very confused and lost in my life right now, and I am hoping that time will straighten out some of the kinks. I want this year to be the year where I am myself, and I am okay with that.

I am going to take some after photos, I'm hoping to get them done before I move stuff in, but the sink and shower may not be finished before I start hauling boxes over and cluttering the place up.

I did do a really good job on the remodel, I gotta hand it to myself. And by "good job" I mean my ideas, not really the work, since all I did with my hands was paint. But still. I bought all the shit, I made every decision, I designed shelving, I coordinated colors. I DID IT, YO.

And today, all of my stuff-- my clothes, the kitchen stuff, the bathroom stuff, my books, my photos, my NEW COUCH AND CHAIR OMG, and my bed-- all of it will be moved over. If I am super-productive and maybe have a little bit of luck.

So send a good wish or two my way, think of me, etc., and I will be back, here, very soon.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

So one of my dear friends (whom I will attribute/link if she so wishes) posted this recently, and it was something I needed to hear. Via the Daily Om.

Both emotional and physical pain are messages that we need to stop and pay attention.

When we feel pain, our first impulse is often to eradicate it with medication. This is an understandable response, but sometimes in our hurry to get rid of pain, we forget that it is the body's way of letting us know that it needs our attention. A headache can inform us that we're hungry or stressed just as a sore throat might be telling us that we need to rest our voice. If we override these messages instead of respond to them, we risk worsening our condition. In addition, we create a feeling of disconnectedness between our minds and our bodies.

Physical pain is not the only kind of pain that lets us know our attention is needed. Emotional pain provides us with valuable information about the state of our psyche, letting us know that we have been affected by something and that we would do well to focus our awareness inward. Just as we tend to a cut on our arm by cleaning and bandaging it, we treat a broken heart by surrounding ourselves with love and support. In both cases, if we listen to our pain we will know what to do to heal ourselves. It's natural to want to resist pain, but once we understand that it is here to give us valuable information, we can relax a bit more, and take a moment to listen before we reach for medication. Sometimes this is enough to noticeably reduce the pain, because its message has been heard. Perhaps we seek to medicate pain because we fear that if we don't, it will never go away. It can be empowering to realize that, at least some of the time, it is just a matter of listening and responding.

The next time you feel pain, either physical or emotional, you might want to try listening to your own intuition about how to relieve your pain. Maybe taking a few deep breaths will put an end to that headache. Perhaps writing in your journal about hurt feelings will ease your heart. Ultimately, the message of pain is all about healing.

Monday, December 12, 2011

So I know that I haven't posted a SK post FOREVER, and I miss it. But I haven't had the... whatever it is you need to do that lately. However! I make a mincemeat pie for my friend Tony every year on his birthday. And this year, I made handpies (little portable pies) instead.

I took ZERO photos of the mincemeat making, which would have been glorious, and ZERO photos of the crust-making. And then I was all, FUCK I DON'T CARE, and took pictures on my PHONE, and DAYUM, Gina! LOOK AT THIS:

Stuffing the pillows

I KNOW. Well, two things: One, they look awesome, two, the filling looks a little like poo. BUT IT IS GOOD. Just a sprinkle of sugar...

Friday, December 9, 2011

So I should be moved over to the apartment in... well, I'm going to say by December 20th. Right in time for Christmas... yay? The floors will be done on Wednesday, the appliances in late next week, and... then I just have to move my bed and clothes and stuff. So it will be... almost two months exactly since the bomb dropped.

Even though I'm so close, though, for some inexplicable reason, little things are starting to turn into IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS. Like, my friend who is a plumber cannot come plumb the line for the gas to the stove until late next week. BUT I WANT TO MOVE NOW. And now that I asked him to do it, and he came to check it out, I feel like I would rather just hire someone to do it and not have to wait. It is worth whatever I have to spend to get out of here. But I also feel bad because he has legit reasons for not doing it IMMEDIATELY TODAY, and that also made me feel guilty, like I am taking advantage of him or something UGH.

I just want it DONE. I don't want to be in limbo. And I know, I have zero furniture. Zero idea of what I am doing. Zero ability to envision the future. But I just want it DONE. So I can start trying to put myself together. Because every time I try to do that now, something happens to tear everything apart again. To make me feel like an interloper in my own life. Like I shouldn't have any hope. Like nothing will ever be OK again.

UGH.

Maybe I am just being overdramatic because I was sick today and feel like complaining and BLAH. And I read some of my therapy book and OF COURSE I feel like throwing puppies to sharks now. *sigh*