A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you’d just love it.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.
"My headphones are broken, Lord… I’m desperate… What should I do? Guide me!!"
And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man’s soul.
WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS
And so he did.

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was amazing
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said "I’ll serve you but don’t start anything
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says "does this taste funny to you, I’m joking of course"
Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor “I can’t feel my legs” the doctor said " I know, I AMPUTATED YOUR ARMS"
I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle
What do you call a fish with no eyes, a fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says "dam"
A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out of a "small medium at large"
A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says "a beer please,and one for the road"
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent
YO MAMA SO FAT THAT she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh
A priest a rabbi and a cleric walk into a bar, the cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, how far do you think I can kick this bucket
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart
I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a p....
A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart
Why didn’t Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico
What’s green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels WERE A LIE.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck
Why couldn’t the dinosaur break the wall, I don’t know. I’m asking you
Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker, she has dementia
There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It’s an owl it can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey