update

So things are still hard. Little things are okay, normal level of engagement a lot of the time, normal level of enjoyment when previous is true. Bigger things are harder.

Yesterday I was pretty awesome. I had planned a duck egg curry dish that rushthatspeaks, gaudior, and I could all eat, which is not as easy as one might hope, and I ran around getting stuff for it and was reasonably clever in doing so, all good. I went to the flower market and was charming at people and came away with herbs and flowers, then planted them like an awesome person and texted pics to people. Then I sat down a bunch, then went to go cook. rushthatspeaks and I concocted a really amazing curry paste, and it was mostly me driving (though I maintain that my cooking-invention is of lesser quality than theirs generally), and we made a food and it was really good and I had been inventing it for days. And then it was over, and I didn't feel that much about it at all. I had enough interest to put into it, so that was good, but it wound up feeling pretty meh.

So that was discouraging. Life is hard and scary, I was hoping to be able to feel really happy about making something good, but that's not what happened. Made it tough to get going this morning. Even if I do awesome things I might not feel awesome, and okay yes depressed friends and lovers I get it now. But here I am at work doing things and going to seminars and being good to people, so fuck you depression.