Leaftown

ramblings of a psychobabbler

It was a cold night, with much trepidation in the air. I wondered how i was to approach this journey. Blanketed with fear that i might somehow crash, i had never previously boarded the ship. The trip as well seemed insurmountable, and i felt i surely i lacked the resource and the strength to make it all the way. I had worried that i would end up just a quarter of the way there, without food, without air, and most threatening, without a friend to die with, would simply go unnoticed. Another casualty, not even a statistic, since notification of my journey had not been cleared by the authorities. Despite such fears, i had finally decided to prepare. I met with others numerous times. Assurances were given ad-infinitum that were i to persist, to stay in touch with the promise, i would somehow make it from starting point to destination.

The Planet

The planet from whence i was derived was a good place. This reference to "good" is not so much a moral statement as an affirmation of the nature of my existence. I made the trip to earth in an economy vehicle. The expansive mileage necessitated it. As a result there was little room for baggage. I came with love, a slight amount of compassion, and an insatiable appetite for anything representative of filling a sparseness of purpose. There was room for two pairs of socks, some undergarments, a t-shirt, bologna, three disposable cameras (a snapshot of life),a pencil and a notebook which i currently use to make these notations...purely for the sole intent of proper documentation. Nilligence is a fairly nondescript place. Comprised of a mass of illegitimate intelligence, blended with diligent indulgence. No doubt you are familiar with such ethereal modes? When one is formed of Niligence the shape is arbitrary. Strange mixtures blend in the splendor of benign creativity. Form is devoid of function, and the pieces are merely slung out to fit together as they may. The molding and shape is to come on other planets. I first traveled to Dilatacea where the diameter of everyone's head is increased. It is commonly believed that when one is born the head is the largest protrusion of the body. On Nilligence this is not necessarily the case. Fortunately at some point in it's relatively short history, some two thousand plus years ago or so, it was discovered that in order to travel to many of the surrounding planets, one would have to expand the size of the brain in order to accommodate and process a constant barrage of incoming data. Much of this data is considered to be important for building survival skills in other worlds, however, much of this data is merely reserved for the use of others. Of late here on Earth, it is notable that many entities known as corporations, have been engaged in the practice of gobbling up as much of this space as possible. We will no doubt delve into this particular subject in certain depth some minutes, hours, or days from now assuming you, the reader will remain on for the rest of the story in balance. I make no assumption as to what degree your head was enlarged, and how much of the reserved space has been sucked up at present. Indeed i welcome you to travel with me, in the hopes we will ultimately reach a final destination together, for as is, and has always been my belief, "in and of myself, i am nothing". I do believe the ultimate value of any experience is increased as the contribution to that experience is shared with a greater whole, or in this instance... bigger, is in fact better.

(to be continued. be informed...the first part may morph in the process)

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(Tough guy in the modern world.)“This is my own hair. I’ll wash this hair. I’ll comb this hair. I’ll mess this hair UP if want to.” The brilliance of earth marches on...

Dilatacea

In the laboratory, a couple of technicians were consulting on my future. “What do you think, Nordum?” one of them asked.These Dilataceans were perfectly constructed so as to perform flawlessly for all that time encompassed. In fact, noone really knew if there were such an instance as time. It had been imagined on Earth by humans as they embarked upon a never ending search for meaning, purpose and understanding.Nordum and Belsap had not an ounce of fat. Their shape was utopian by nature. There was nothing that could be improved upon, or that would be improved upon. Complacency would see to that. “These humans cannot cease to explain everything. They will destroy themselves one day.” replied Nordum. “Where it simply enough to persist and enjoy the fruits they were provided with, probably not the case. But this obsessive nature to build bigger, better, faster, easier, it will all come crashing” ... “I meant the traveler”, interrupted Belsap. “His head. How large should we make it? After all, humans will be human no matter how hard they try not to be.”Nordum rubbed his own head for a moment, then scratched the peak of it. “Well he’s a scrawny thing. Likely has the need to think he’s greater than he is, in order to initially survive. Let’s make it large, Bel”, he replied. Belsap glanced back at Normdum, with the usual look of disgust she displayed when he made these predictive assumptions. “You realize that just as you theorize once human they become self destructive, you are setting him up for a failure of major proportion?”, she replied. “Fine!” she added. “We’ll give him a big head.” “Blow it up.” “Make him think he’s god.”

While the planet of Dilatacea facilitated this constant expansion, it grew larger in mass for many years, till at some point, and with much heated debate, it was decided that all expansion was to be exported off shore.It was then that a great satellite was sent out in the form of large comet, to collide with another massive form in the universe, and ultimately create the conditions for which these expansions, now called humans, were to be able to survive. The humans have been trying to figure this out for years now. Little do they know, that both creationism and science may be in tandem, but unfortunately for them, it always seems to come down to black or white, right or wrong, better or worse. To date, they have not even been able to understand that they are both emigrants, and immigrants. That this whole construct just simply is what it is, and an alternative could be to simply leave it that way, or live in a manner that at least leaves room for what beside them... exists.

And so Dilatacea became a stepping point, with a constant flow from Niligence coming in, and going out to the Earth, where i was headed. My future was to some degree in the hands of Nordum and Belsap. I had finally entered the laboratory and with great apprehension overcame my fears of enlarged heads, travel and unfamiliarity, to make this journey to Earth. Not to the center, of course.

Earth

It was sticky. Wet, stuffy, and i couldn’t see a damned thing. What did i get myself into? How was i to get out? Where were my things? My pencil, notebook? I couldn’t see, i couldn’t write, i could barely move. What a claustrophobic situation. Was this it?

Bill was Herb’s partner in a television repair store they ran in the worst section of the city. When unrest had come down across the country on Earth where i had landed, riots ensued directly outside their storefront, where those actually much worse off than Herb had had enough. Windows were broken, stores were looted, people were shot. It lasted throughout a summer, and in numerous cities across the country, until the people in charge, finally succumbed to the violence, and announced new rights to be assigned to the darker lower caste. On earth it always seems to work that way. The darker you are, the worse off you are.

On Dilatacea, they watched this with bemusement. Since the first humans sent out were black, once again the humans had the need to differentiate, advance, and leave the rest behind. This was called progress. Progress on Earth has also been identified by the labels “achievement”, “advancement”, and most notable of late, “the marketplace”.

I would suspect the other me will attempt to editorialize on this later as this story unfolds. The other me always tries to do so. Being human, how can he help to do so? He is not relevant, though. Pay no mind to him. He has a huge head.

Knockdown was the amount of cash that came in on repair sales that was deducted from the reported total income of the store. In those days, it was rather easy to avoid being watched by the authorities for such inconsistencies on a small scale. In that way, Herb could keep more of the hard earned cash they received, and persist in making headway toward the expenses that Elaine would no doubt continue to impress upon our family as time progressed, and my brother and i grew ever larger, in both body and head.

Allow me to interject here if i may, that there are two lives among the many others going on here. At least there appears to be. There is the one i write of... the baby through adulthood, the family, relatives, friends, experiences, joys, tragedies, on these pages. Then there is me, writing of me. Please believe me when i say that putting aside my pencil and notebook was a detriment from birth through childhood, and much of my adult life. Truth be told, if there is indeed truth, i would have benefited greatly through documenting this journey in realtime. I suppose we rely greatly on others to do that for us, perhaps it is all that we have, but for some of us, particularly those of us with the largest of heads, the mirrors are fogged by the moisture layering our own eyes, leading us to rely more solely on the contents of our own brain.

Now let’s return to the story shall we, as the other me has attempted once more to take over, and really i must get back to the important documentation in order that the events are reported in a fair and balanced, unbiased manner. The observational edits and judgements will be left for you the reader to harvest.

Elaine continued her enamored relationship with her big headed infant, from baby through childhood. With such a head i was sure to be quite smart, multitalented as well. Such an expanse of room would certainly accomodate a wealth of future knowledge. What i may do with it, she would try her best to mold and shape. She had little idea of the battle she was in for.

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Growing Up

At the earliest i can remember, i was crawling up and down the hallway rubbing my head along the carpet. Herb and Elaine’s house (my assigned parents) was carpeted, and for some unexplicable reason, in my befuddlement, i found it easier to drop my head to it and rub the top by crawling, rather than just using a hand. As best i can surmise, it was an attempt at gathering electricity through the static created by this motion. Electricity will indeed be a major player in my future life as we progress, as it is in all our lives at present, and one could only wonder if i had recognized this at such an early age. Powering a life would require much of it, and powering a world, as we are witnessing, necessitates an endless amount.With a head as large as a world, starting early was wise. I was a wise guy. Still am.

On a side note... as i write, i am bald.

Somewhere in the approximate vicinity of the collecting of electricity, my perfectly formed baby teeth as they are known began to loosen. I recall it being a rather odd experience. Being too young to actually think out the implications of moving from primarily softer foods to much tougher ones, i had no understanding whatever that these teeth were only a temporary installation. As well, i had never thought until now, while documenting the particular event, that it would be my first memorable experience of a number of the laws of nature this planet has been endowed with.

Back on Dilatacea, where the observations of earth’s evolution have been going on for millennia, Nordum, Belsap, and the rest are well aware of these so-called laws we here so often seem to forget. In our never ending quest for explanations, we seem to put aside the somewhat negative properties and consequences of these laws in the pursuit of our progressive intelligence. Allow me to demonstrate said laws.

If you have teeth, you will lose them... twice. (perhaps once if you are lucky.) This property can certainly be expounded to numerous attributes, for example:

If you have hair, you will lose it. (at least some of it)If you have health, you will lose it.If you have life, you will lose it.

Here on earth, we spend much of our time, and much of the energy toward progress in gaining things. Speed, ease, money. We spend a great deal of time delaying the inevitable as well, trying to extend life, extend vigor, extend beauty.

Back on Dilatacea, they fully understand these laws of nature... that eventually, all things will be lost, without regard to efforts expended, or intelligence finely nurtured.

There are some, indeed including my other self, who will argue that the very concept of intelligence is by nature, a foolish fallacy. Upon review by those overwhelmingly accepting of the precept of intelligence, we on the inverted side are commonly considered to be crazy. I would debate that assumption, to consider that being crazy requires intelligence.

(nilligence-concept of intelligence - even then, many travel to escape the lack of structured thought)

But here i again beg your forgiveness as that other me has once more crept his way in, wily one he is. The documents will no doubt need be cleaned later, as i haven’t the time for that now. Let’s get back to what i have learned from teeth.

(assertions to cleaning up the story. in its finality, decided not to. to do so, would have been an attempt at editing what ultimately was layed down, and therefore in contradiction to my purest of intentions.)

As i mentioned, there were lessons to be learned from these choppers of mine, and in fact to be honest, still to be learned. Among the earliest, was understanding that when one loses something, one gains. Let me explain.No matter what the loss might be, there is something to be gained in the simple alteration of the environmental circumstance. In this instance, it would be what it is like to not have teeth. In this instance as well, it is what it is like to grow stronger, and more suitable larger teeth, albeit, in my case... crooked ones. There were, and are so many lessons to be learned by my teeth that i can not cover them all at this particular moment of my earthly existence, but i assure you i will return to the subject in the future, should you still be here reading. For now, please permit me to bring one or two to the fore.

(more future tooth lessons later)

One observation of note that comes to mind while losing these small and temporary teeth was pain. Let’s go back.

“Dad, look at this, my tooth is loose!” i exclaimed. “Oh, Herb, he’s loosing his baby teeth.” Elaine became excited. “I should save it, as I did his first lock of hair. I just can’t let go of anything of that adorable little son of mine.” She added. “When my sister’s teeth came loose, we used to attach a string to the tooth and the door, and slam the door to pull it out.” Herb raised. “The quicker we get it out, the less pain.” “Let’s do it, it works.” he coaxed.

There would be many battles duplicated over this same experience throughout the years, based on the endurance of pain by Herb as a life lesson, and protection from same, by Elaine. In this instance, Herb won out.Slam!

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”, (again with the waaaaa), i screamed. “Ouuuuuuuuuch.” Intense pain, and then later, it was gone.

I had received for my sufferance, a quarter beneath my pillow the following morning. Herb loved to play games. “I think someone snuck in last night,” he said. “I could here shuffling and noises, and I’m pretty sure she came into your room.” I began to grow a bit scared. “Who did?” i asked apprehensively. “The tooth fairy!” he replied. “You’d better check under your pillow, she left something there for you.” “A quarter! Wow!” i was excited. Even at that stage of my stay here, money began to entice me.

And so, enduring pain in that instance, i was rewarded.

Not long after, the next tooth began to loosen. I became aroused at the prospect of loosing a tooth, and gaining a quarter. Not so, at the door exercise. Was there another way? Could i put it off. I made no mention of the loose appendage. As it became less so attached, i would move it around with my tongue, and at some point in pushing so, i began to feel a different kind of pain. It was explorable. I could push, and feel it, and release, and it would slowly subside. It was as if i had a pain volume control in my mouth. Electricity at work again. Synopses, modulated to my brain.

At a certain point it became so loose that i could simply push it horizontally against the roof of my mouth, with a kind of sweet, light pain that edged me finally to reach in, and yank it out. Slight owww, but as i recall, it felt really good. “I lost another tooth, ma!” i proclaimed loudly. Another tooth, another quarter.

Is that how it works here on earth? Each time you make money, you lose something? I am aware that every time you gain, or buy something, you lose money, so perhaps there is an inverse observation to be made here. I am pretty sure that back on Dilatacea, they have an explanation in nature for that. I am not so sure we fully understand it here, though.

In fact, a rather loose tooth i have at present, is often luring me once again to the past with great fear that were i to duplicate the feeling, this one will be gone forever. Herb and Elaine are now gone. There are also dentists for removing teeth. They use drills, not doors, and and given the choice, i’d go with the door.

And so, sweet pain...good. I yearn for those days as many others in my past life here. I suppose there are other ways to find the sweetness in pain, as i have had a few. The sweet pains of those sorts however, no longer reside in teeth. Teeth at current, present pain with great vengeance.

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“Bel?” “Why do you think it is, that humans have such a need to defy the laws of nature?” “Nordum, you know here on Dilatacea we don’t ask why.” She quipped. “We make observations, and let them be as they may.” “If changes are to be made, we will collectively debate the matter, and agree to make them.” “The moment you begin to ask why, there is the implication that you can make things different, and in that very moment you become at imbalance with everything around you.” “Next thing you know, as with the humans, you’ve alienated those who would change, from those who would refuse to.” Belsap added. “We’ve witnessed this over and over again, and to be quite frank, perhaps there will be a point at which these humans heads will be made much smaller.” “It surely would save a lot of the consternation on earth to do so.” Belsap paused for a moment. “Why am i smarter than you, Nordum?” she then inquired. “You’re not!” replied Nordum sharply. “Exactly.”

I have heard that on Dilatacea the beginnings of change appear to be sprouting. After all, they had started with single cells, then dinosaurs here on earth, and ended up with humans. Were there room for regret on the planet, i imagine they would prefer that the dinosaurs still reigned. Since i am not privy to much on Dilatacea, lets get back to the story.

“Herb, it’s so hot in this house.” “My son is going to have heat stroke, for god’s sake.” God was and still is often invoked to explain the unexplainable. The explainable would be heat stroke, since it was hot. The unexplainable would be as to why it would happen to her precious son. More likely it would have been Herb that would suffer such a consequence, and had it happened, i’m sure it would have served as just one more lesson to be learned in the limits of endurance. Herb was constantly pushing the limits of heat endurance. No matter the weather, he would foray onto the golf course for 18, often more than 18 holes of golf. I have witnessed the sweat pouring from his face to his soaked shirt on more than one occasion in sweltering 100 degree weather on such a course. For myself i was young and simply burning up, but i do recall watching him, wondering why he would endure what appeared to be, along with a disability for hitting the ball straight, or prevent from losing it, such discomfort. Let’s not get into the losing of the ball. Herb would often measure his success on the day, by how many previous golfer’s balls he found, relative to how many he himself lost. After all, golf balls cost money.

“I’ll turn on the fan, Elaine.” Herb replied. “That air conditioner just eats up electricity.” “You know i have allergies.” Elaine threw in the personal discomfort card. “That fan just blows pollen all over the house!” “The house gets plenty cool with that fan.” Herb pushed back. “And the pollen is not bad. It’s summertime.” he added. Elaine began to get very upset. “What’s the point of buying it, if we aren’t even going to use it? You think i’m making up the way i feel? I’m sneezing all over the place, and i can’t even get to sleep at night!” she added emphatically. “I bought it because you made me, Elaine. For crying out load!” Herb now yelled. For crying out load was one of his favorite expressions. For all the times he used it, i cannot recall Herb ever literally crying out load, or loudly. “The electric bill was 300.00 last month.” “We’re not made of money, and i can’t make it magically appear, you know.” “You’ll just have to live with the fan this time.” “Oh no i won’t.” Elaine’s voice became subdued, and threatening to the point of blood being boiled. “If you leave that fan on, I’m leaving the house for good.!” Elaine demanded. “Fine, this time i’m leaving it on.” Herb was not backing down. She had threatened to do so previously, and would walk down the block to the train station, where upon reflection, i presume she determined that she had nowhere to go. Indeed she did not. Both of her assigned parents had already died, and on balance, she may have decided that to run to one of her brothers would bring her to great shame. It would certainly present the prospect of a failing relationship. One in which they both proclaimed to love each other very much.

And so Herb waited, and as the time progressed beyond some fifteen minutes or so, he began to grow impatient. Herb was not a patient man. Even his reprimands were not particularly lengthy, as if he had to get the operative words out as rapidly as possible. There was on our front door, on the inside, a beveled wooden piece that protruded out approximately two inches along the bottom. It was enough for me stand on, and while holding the doorknob, i could then push off floor to swing the door to and fro. That was called fun. Fun often proved somewhat threatening to the overall landscape when inside the house, such as breaking the front door. On this particular occasion it was evening, and Herb had already returned from work. Since he was in the back of the house, and i had not yet filled my big head with the logic that he may again walk to the front of it, i engaged in such playtime while waiting for dinner. Herb indeed walked down the hall to the front and abruptly stopped. “STOP THAT....FOREVER!!!” That was it. Not today, not next week. Just stop it. And stop it forever. It gets no clearer. I wonder if he was born before color existed, as it surely seemed that everything was black and white to him.

“She’ll be back soon.” i recall him saying while being still to young to understand that she would be gone anyway. I had no thoughts of would there be dinner? Who would wake me up for school? Would i cherish the taste of a hot bowl of oatmeal, with milk over the top and melted sugar on a cold winter morning? Never entered my mind. What did enter my mind was Mommy and Daddy were fighting. They did not like each other. Daddy is worried.

Some time wore yet on. A half hour, forty-five minutes. It was too much for Herb to bear. “I’ll be back.” he said. “I’m going to find your mother.” “I hope nothing happened to her.” I then heard the words. I hope nothing happened to me. After all, i was a child at the time, and with a big head. It really was all about me, wasn’t it? It was really about losing my mother. After all, that’s what he called her.

Herb came back after some time, about an hour or so. He had gone first to the end of the block, where he was familiar she would go, and then had to turn to a deeper part of his mind as she was not there. Where would she go? Without yet having cell phones, i can only assume he did not call her brothers to see if she had gone to one of them. I do not know to this day for sure, whether he did, or did not use a phone booth. What i do know, is that he somehow deduced to follow where the train at the end of our block would end up, and proceeded likely from station to station, until he found her, sitting at the subway interchange. What was that like? Was she waiting for him to find her? To rescue her? To care for her? Was she deep in thought as to whether to take the next step farther and leave him? My brother and i?

They returned to the house together. “I found her at the subway station.” he said to my brother. “I was worried sick about her.” “You know I love your mother very much.” This was how i often learned of things, overhearing discussion with my older brother. It made me smart, filling that head of mine through the years. It was also to make me quite dumb, not knowing quite what to make of it all, of my own assumption.