Unpalatable fruit salad

Bro, you really should have checked with me before deleting your Facebook page. Why react to what some foolish people are saying about you? About us? It’s a pretty uncool thing to do. But it happens, bro. My issue is simple. Some random guy called Kejriwal makes some random charges against you. Why react? Ignore the guy, bro. That is what Mummyji always says. If you ignore these pests long enough, nothing happens. People forget.

Anybody in India can make Rs 300 crore today . Overnight, at that. And let’s not forget you had Rs 50 lakh to start with. Never mind where those came from. These are such minor details. Business is in your blood, bro. The best investment you ever made was when you married my sis! J-o-k-i-n-g ! It was a master stroke, bro. Let’s face it, from zero family to first family is a major leg-up for any lucky guy. After that, it was nonstop Diwali. These randoms don’t get it. Business opportunities don’t come every day. Mummyji keeps saying that. If you used your dimaag and contacts to invest in hotels, real estate, malls, housing societies, good for you. My sis has simple tastes but life is expensive these days. What are family friends like our DLF buddies for if they can’t help a young, newly married couple?

Jijaji, people are making all sorts of nasty jokes about your DLF deals. And that Kejriwal is maligning the whole family. Naturally Mummyji is upset. But don’t worry, bro. I’ll handle Mummyji. She has full faith in me. And we have PC to deal with the press. He is so smart, he even refuses to utter Kejriwal’s name! I like the way he calls him a ‘private individual’ . Puts him in his place, nicely. We should all learn from PC how to handle scandal.

Even Lalu bhaiya has stepped in to defend us. So sweet. He is talking about ‘character assassination’ . Imagine! Bro, it takes guts for Lalu to talk about character assassination. Mummyji will show her appreciation to all these people soon. But for now, you should just stay out of the public eye. I know that’s really tough, bro. What with the Fashion Week. Who will occupy the front row seat that is permanently reserved for you? I don’t mind filling in… but i don’t have your hot bod, bro. Talking of which, why not spend the next few months pumping up? You’re gonna need heavy-duty muscle power. It may turn out to be a tough fight, with more and more embarrassing papers turning up. You will need to be a sturdy India Bull before locking horns with these types.

Thank god our ‘mango people’ are really very forgiving. Look at all that they have forgiven over the years! Loot maar and major scams. Mummyji always says, “Good thing we live in India. Anywhere else in the world….” Mummyji is so clever, bro. I wish i was half as smart. My sis is pretty clever, too. We should listen to the women in our family. They don’t tweet and get all of us into trouble. When all hell broke loose, i told Mummyji to book my ticket to London. I can’t handle such stuff. But Mummyji said not to worry – PC will handle it.

Seriously, dude, you could have named any other fruit. But you had to pick a banana! Why, bro, why? Even i felt it was not fair to call the country a kela kingdom. We are not a banana republic . I mean, not officially. Look at what you’ve done, bro. Mummyji has stopped keeping bananas on the breakfast table, and i am not getting my daily potassium fix. You could have mentioned chikoo republic, kaddu republic, santra republic. And where was the need to mention ‘mango people’ , that too, in such a sarcastic way?

Now, the whole world is referring to India’s ‘mango people’ . And poor Mummyji is finding it very difficult to handle all that criticism. We have to think about Mummyji’s health. She has her own issues to deal with, and she really doesn’t need to be given grief by her family. That’s it from me, jijaji. Fingers crossed there won’t be more stuff flying around about 2G. And some other ‘G’ . Oops. Even though your surname isn’t Gandhi, see how those ‘mango people’ have dragged us into it. And bro, ever wondered why all Bollywood villains were named Raaabert in the seventies?Actually, India is worse than a banana republic. Had we really been one, Kejriwal would not have stood a chance. Gotta run, bro. It’s Mummyji calling.

Affectionately, Rahul.

DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author's own.

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One of India's most popular writers, Shobhaa De has seen it all: life as a model, a copywriter, a journalist, a socialite, a scriptwriter, a bestselling novelist and a busy mother of six children. "Politically Incorrect", which has been appearing as a column in The Times of India, carries her sharp observations on politics, society, economy and relationships.

One of India's most popular writers, Shobhaa De has seen it all: life as a model, a copywriter, a journalist, a socialite, a scriptwriter, a bestselling nov. . .