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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Battle of the Mascots: The Third Vote

The previous round ended with the Easter Bunny bouncing to victory over Cupid. The whole battle involved entirely too much happiness, so we won’t dwell on it any longer than we have to. And since our next two mascots were difficult to wake up and to convince to come, as long as we’ve got them here we should start right away:

Thanksgiving Day’s
TURKEY
VS.
Groundhog Day’s
GROUNDHOG

Due to those reading from other parts of the world, The Non-Review would like to apologize ahead of time for using a holiday that is strictly American. However, since this is a contest for determining the best mascot, rather than best holiday, we thought we’d go ahead and give Turkey a chance. So even if you don’t know that this is a holiday that probably never happened, and that almost completely revolves around food, you can still vote on how good of a mascot the day has. Granted, Turkey is not one of the brightest mascots in the running, since it thinks it’s a celebrity rather than just the main-course, but it’s still the representative of a big holiday.

Again, this holiday may be bigger in America than anywhere else. I don’t know. But celebrating a day about a big rodent who may or may not notice that the sun makes an outline of it on the ground, sure sounds like something America would come up with. Either way, we’ve grabbed a hold of it, made a movie about it, and made sure to mark it on every one of our calendars. And even though Groundhog is known for its incredible laziness and apathy (especially about its own shadow), it does make an appropriate mascot.

It is now time for you to choose which one of these animals makes the best mascot for its holiday. Something this important surely will require much care and contemplation, but the voting ends on Tuesday so you might have to put in some overtime. Vote via email or by leaving a comment, and feel free to help yourself to some of the eggs that the Easter Bunny left in the lobby. We don’t know how fresh they are or whether they’re even chocolate, so we’re graciously allowing you to have first dibs.

23 comments:

I will vote on the Groundhog mascot. He sure does look like he needs some love with his cute yellow little rag doll. He sure can come crawl in the hole in my backyard and I will take precious care of him. For the turkey forget you I will see you at Thanksgiving time. HAVE A BLESS WEEKEND!!!

Can Turkey really be considered a good mascot if he actually lets us eat him? None of the other mascots do. And while Turkey may be delicious, I think that his inability to stay out of the roasting pan (and our bellies) shows incredible weakness on his part. I know that many of you will say that this is part of his sacrifice, the way Santa sacrifices his sleep on Christmas Eve, or Cupid sacrifices his dignity wearing that diaper. But these mascots do it on their own terms. And they don't end up smothered in gravy. Weak, turkey, weak. I'm going with Groundhog.

The groundhog has got to be the stupidest animal around. It is so needy for recognition or fame that it allows itself to be stuffed in a box only to be pulled out one day like some ventriloqist's puppet. Then is forced to made a weather prediction WITHOUT proper meterology training before being stuffed in the box until next year. No one ever comes to him in June to thank him when he is right. It's all a scam and he willingly participates in it. So the groundhog is out. No character, no class.

Now the Turkey (who can't fly) is also a dumb ass. They must know that Thanksgiving is coming up - hell when those letters from his cousins in Canada started to drop off dramatically around the second Monday in October, he should have figured out that something was wrong. Do some investigating. Read a book, talk to a pilgrim. Turkey's MUST know that they are in danger yet they willingly stick around Farmer Bill's farm just so they can have their head chopped off. It's the mentality of a victim. Don't bitch about it - ACT.Only ONE of you is gonna get pardoned so work on your skills and insure that that pardoned turkey is YOU.

So for this reason I abstain from this vote or I vote for both of these losers. Have some respect. At least the Lepraucan got drunk and fought till the end. I hate those little bastards but you gotta respect the EFFORT.

I know, right?! I totally would be on your side about the Groundhog, too, but he and I went to meteorological school together (see... he DOES have training! He just keeps it under wraps) and I used to cheat off him all the time. So I kind of owe him. Also, he's friends with Bill Murray. I, too, would like to be friends with Bill Murray. Go, Groundhog!

That said, I'm givin the bird, my vote. That rat has let me down time and time again...but the Turkey...not once. Besides...Thanksgiving ABSOLUTELY did happen, they might not have had turkey and probably very little pumpkin pie...I'm guessing their trenchers were low on mashed potatoes and gravy as well...but brass buckled hats hung peacefully next to feather headdresses with little tykes cutting out construction paper TURKEYS in the corner...You can bet your sweet mascot they did.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Is Canad-eh chopped liver? Yeah, they celebrate BOTH Thanksgiving AND Groundhog Day. (Thanksgiving is the second Monday in October, though....traditionally "after the harvest".) As for Groundhog Day....we've got Punxsatawney Phil here (however the hell the name of that hick town is spelled) but back home in Canada, they've got Wiarton Willy.

Whoa. That's so weird...I showed up as "Cotton Blossom"...I have no idea who that even is, man.

Anyway...I just wanted to put in my vote for the Turkey...it is about time that guy catches a break. He lost out to the Bald Eagle for the mascot position over the entire country a few years ago...and I don't have the heart to vote against him again.

That Groundhog day thingy is a major crock, so I vote for the turkey. Also because I eat turkey like 5 times a week. If the turkey is extinct, I would go along with it, so my vote is gobble-gobble. Who cares how many damn weeks are left of winter? You think that friggin furball does?