Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Have You Made Your Arrangements?

At a certain point you’re going to plan that gathering which
you won’t be able to attend. You’re going to make your final arrangements. How will you
be laid to rest? Will you be buried in casket? A coffin is tantamount to a
casket but according to the Nosek- McCreery Funeral, Cremation and Green Services on-line infomercial, coffins, which
have six sides, are no longer in; “Coffins are what you have seen in old
movies,” the site explains. Will you have a casket cover and how much are you
willing to have your estate, already hit hard by taxes, shell out? Will you go
for the kind of simple pine box that can be found on Potter’s Field or do you
want a stately mahogany affair representing you on the bier? Dying intestate
means there's no will, but if you don’t declare in your will what will be done
with your remains then the responsibility will remain with someone else. If you
decide not to be buried in a casket, you may be cremated for considerably less
money. According to NBC (“Cremation is the Hottest Trend in the Funeral Industry,” 1/22/13), cremation is about one third the $6500 to be buried in a casket. If you’re
someone who enjoys getting in the last word, you may want to write your own
good-bye or have it said by someone you think is going to get it right. By the
time you’re ready to die, your going to have been to a number of funerals and
you’ll have a good idea of your likes and dislikes when it comes to eulogies. Generally funeral services
have to end early enough so that the entourage can get to the cemetery before
it closes. You’ve always hated those funerals which start at 9 A.M., which means you
have to get up early to get to the gym by 6:30. But what’s even worse is the
guilt inducing succession of activities which mourners are asked to attend--though some would say guilt goes with the territory. For instance the burial might be at 2, but the family won’t be accepting visits
from friends of the deceased until 6 so there is gong to be time to kill. Here is your big chance to right
the wrongs of the past. You don’t want to find yourself people pleasing from
the grave, but you can make your send off memorable by caring for the needs of
the living. Once you’re dead you’re dead and there’s no need to hammer a nail into
the casket by insisting that those who are living have to suffer through an overly drawn out send-off. And while making your arrangements you may want to pick up The American Way of Death by Jessica Mitford and The Loved Oneby Evelyn Waugh--essential reading for anyone planning to die.

About Me

Francis Levy's debut novel, Erotomania: A Romance, was released in August 2008 by Two Dollar Radio.
His short stories, criticism, humor, and poetry have appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The New Republic, The Village Voice, The East Hampton Star, The Quarterly, Penthouse, Architectural Digest, TV Guide, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, and other publications. One of his Voice humor pieces was anthologized in The Big Book of New American Humor (HarperCollins). He is presently the Co-Director of The Philoctetes Center for the Multidisciplinary Study of Imagination (philoctetes.org), where he supervises roundtable discussions on topics as varied as “The Psychology of the Modern Nation State” and “Modern Traffic Theory, Behavior, and Imagination”.