General Kayani blasts Indian Govt for thwarting his attempts to destabilize bilateral relations

General Kayani lambasted the Indian Government for steadfastly refusing to get provoked by barbaric Pakistani transgressions thereby stymieing his administration’s sincere efforts to destabilize Indo-Pak relations.

“We are doing our level best to derail Indo-Pak ties but nothing seems to move this Manmohan chap,” sighed General Kayani during a press meet at Army HQ in Islamabad, throwing his hands up. The Pakistani military brass had been praying for a meltdown of the ceasefire, which would give it the fig leaf to relocate troops involved in the thankless job of fighting the Taliban to the eastern border. Instead, the Indian Government responded meekly by summoning Pakistan high commissioner Salman Bashir to tell him that such barbarism was unacceptable over a cup of tea, much to General Kayani’s consternation.

General Kayani said he shared the frustration of Indians over their government’s weak-kneed approach to dealing with Pakistan, while giving full marks to the Indian media for maintaining a relentless drum-beat of going to war against his country, especially Arnab. “As a last ditch measure, I’ve instructed Salman Bashir to slap Manmohan Singh. If even that doesn’t provoke him into retaliating, then I’m gonna quit the army and hit the lecture circuit like Musharraf,” said General Kayani, frustration creeping into his voice.

When informed that Dr Singh would likely take the slap on his face as a sign of affection and redouble his efforts to suck up to Pakistan, General Kayani began to bang his head in frustration. The General however cheered up after we pointed out that he can look forward to being fawned over by the likes of CNN-IBN and Hindustan Times when he gets invited to their leadership summit after hanging up his uniform, just like his predecessor.