Monthly Archives: March 2009

No, not that someone! The person I dreamt about was someone I have never met, talked to, or had any form of contact with, ever, in my entire life….

Yes, you guessed it, it was a celebrity!

But it wasn’t dirty. Which is sad. (Honest to God, I remain a virgin, even in my dreams! Something has gone terribly wrong…)

Anyway…. in my dream, I was in a large, white room, which was crowded with people attending some sort of function. I have no idea what the function was, nor did it ever occur to me to ask. (As it happens, I’m pretty sure my dream self was none too concerned with the goings-on around her… which is so unlike me… clearly!) At some point or another, I managed to find myself standing next to none other than aforementioned celebrity. But I was like, cool as Le cucumber, of course, because in my mind I know that celebrities are just people and really nothing to scream about (especially as said screaming would probably frighten them) no matter how hot they might be.

I suppose I should tell you who this celebrity was, but I don’t want to. Oh, all right…. it was Robert Pattinson(!)

Seriously, you can stop rolling your eyes now, I can see you from here!

So there I was, standing next to Robert Pattinson, who was gazing off into the distance with a vaguely worried look on his face…

(Now to give this dream some context, I do sympathize with this person in real life… if you have ever seen an interview in which he is asked to answer several questions whilst hoards of teenage girls scream the entire time, you know that he doesn’t exactly get to have a normal life. Some guys would view this as just about the best thing ever, but he doesn’t seem to be too fond of it… plus, the paparazzi’s a bitch, we all know that! )

Sooner or later, I managed to negotiate putting my arm through his… which could have honestly gone over semi-badly considering that we didn’t know each other. But he seemed fine with it… more than fine actually, he seemed to appreciate, even encourage it! I let my hand rest on his sleeve, as he gently twisted his arm up, cradling my arm with his… my hand slid tenderly to the bare skin of his wrist, and the heat of his body was so intense that it shocked me… but not enough to move. We stayed like this, arm-in-arm, side-by-side, for who knows how long… him, staring into the distance… and me, standing beside him, steeling glances at his face, silent, strong, and supportive.

At one point, another girl came up to him hoping for an autograph. He declined, politely, and continued his steady gaze past her, at no conceivable person, place, or thing. Soon it was time for him to go, and the reason for his morbid concentration became clear.

A huge, garage-like door opened up, and a monstrous crowd of screaming, hysterical girls was revealed. Robert was ushered out of the building and through the crowd, never to be seen by me again.

There had been no exchange of names, no attempt at conversation… and though I suppose I didn’t exactly want for him to go, it never really occurred to me to be sad about it. I had given him what he needed… that strong, wordless support of someone who didn’t require a thing. Someone who understood… if only in theory.

Now, writing this, I had intended to cap-off the dream re-telling by saying something like:

Seriously, what the hell? Why in the world am I having dreams about being a strong, silent form of support for a hot, brooding, famous man?! I should be having dreams about hot, sweaty sex… about taking the world by storm…. about anything rather than hour-long hand-holding!

But now, having written the whole thing… and consequently seeing it in a new light… I think – Why not?

Maybe this isn’t just about being the support for someone else…

Maybe this is about wanting someone who can be the support for me…

Maybe this is about needing someone to provide that strong, selfless form of companionship; who can simply stand there and take some of the weight off.

Or maybe I just have a crush on Robert Pattinson, and want a good reason to hold his hand in my dreams!

Today is Sunday, a day which I love. (Unless I have work, then it sucks.)

Sundays are days when, for some reason or another, it becomes acceptable to stay in one’s pajamas all day long, watch TV in the afternoon, and just be generally lazy and loafish (not that I don’t also do this on Tuesdays, Thursdays… basically any time I don’t have to be anywhere before 2… but today it is socially acceptable that I do so!)

However, there is one thing about Sundays which I have always felt I am missing out on…

For some reason or another (probably pop culture, as with most things) when I think of Sundays, I picture happy couples in their big, white beds, having continuous, languorous sex. I know this is probably not accurate, but I don’t care… it is in my mind!

So, in honor of this particular fascination, I have decided to add a new weekly installment to Confessions of a Weirdo:

Slutty Sundays

Slutty Sundays will involve the picking of an off-beat celebrity to play my boyfriend (feel free to offer any suggestions!)… a semi-detailed list of “ingredients” (things to set the tone for the combined me/celebrity sluttiness) and a brief excerpt of our time together (dialogue should be interesting!)

I think the Blog Crush may have gone off me (read: stopped liking me) a bit since I wrote that rather long-winded post (now embedded in my mind as The Epic Mistake post!*) Which is sad. But also great! Because it adds some much needed context to this video….

And to think I’d almost forgot about the genius that is this song –

Update: The Blog crush and I have broken up. Don’t ask from what. I really couldn’t say (because I really don’t know!)

Also, I’m very sorry the video cut out before you could see Adam Sandler get punched in the face. It’s very cathartic.

And yes, I will post a real blog again soon. You know, one with some actual content? I Promise.

* I have since re-named this post from “Good Luck Reading My Mind, It’s a Real Piece of Work” to “The Epic Mistake Post.” It just fit better!

This coming weekend I will be exposed to one of the more risky aspects of dating… The Terrifying Set-Up.

Okay, really I am not terrified at all. I already know where we will be going (karaoke – score!), what I will be wearing (casual black tank, dark-wash skinny jeans – laid back and hot, if I do say so myself… which incidentally I do… obviously) and how I will be feeling (impossible you say? maybe, but I do tend to rise to the challenge of a good first-impression!)

I do not, however, know very much about The Guy. Except for, you know, the really important things… like

– He’s Italian (hot)

– He has a job (though I can’t remember what it is, which probably means it sounded boring)

Now, under any normal circumstances, I would most likely recoil at the thought of being set-up with some working-stiff-office-type-who-I-know-very-little-about, but this time is a bit different (although honestly, I’m not getting my hopes up… really, I swear!)

I am more than willing to at least meet this guy for a few reasons (other than the fact that he is rumored to look like my favorite stand-in for Mac computers), one of them being that I might actually have had a bit of a mental growth-spurt over the last couple weeks (no, seriously… that wasn’t a joke!) Also, the fact that I have been harboring “feelings” for someone I have never met before (the Blog-Crush) has led me to reason that perhaps I should start getting out of the house more often.

I have been set-up on only a couple of occasions in the past, and neither of these went off very spectacularly to say the least.

The first time was by my mom’s friend (and she swears this wasn’t a set-up), when she introduced me to a cute British boy who was staying in the area for the summer (although at this point the summer was almost over… shotty execution in my opinion). We were introduced in a movie theater, right before a showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (mom’s friend had an extra ticket, plus it’s possible I am obsessed… just possible I said, don’t give me that look!)

Luckily, watching said movie called for silence, because I seriously doubt we would’ve had anything to talk about. (This theory, incidentally, was pretty much proven correct once we were out of the theater, waiting for the rest of the group to get out of the bathrooms, and found ourselves with almost nothing to say.)

Still, he seemed impressed with me (I have a killer walk) and he later asked my mom’s friend if he could have my e-mail address. I gave it to her to give to him (LAME) but he never used it (Lamer). And to be honest, it wasn’t much of a loss when he didn’t. Sure he was cute, sure he was British (and yes, the accent was good), but he still somehow just wasn’t my type. He was… a boy. (As in, very young in demeanor) And, as far as I could tell, not much with the jokes. ‘Nuff said… right? (For what it’s worth, I know first impresions are hard! No judgment, I swear.)

Fast forward to this past December (I think) and the same friend tries to set me up with another guy. Only this time it’s different… this time:

a) She fully admits that it’s a set-up (actually tells me, “Now before you do that Amber thing and roll your eyes and give me that look…” at which point I’m thinking, “Shit, people can tell when I do that?”)

b) She’s not the only one trying to fix me up with this guy (unbeknownst to me, it’s actually a whole clique of women who think this would be a good idea. Probably because they are all married, and imagine that their younger, single selves would want to date this person.)

So I meet him. I think, why the hell not? It’s not as if I’m obligated or anything… And actually, it’s not as if I even have to meet him in any date-type-situation, because when we’re introduced, it’s at an event full of people… which is pretty fortunate, because…

I don’t like him. Almost immediately after shaking hands and exchanging names, I can tell I don’t like him. But, for a moment, I’m not sure why. There is a bit of suspense, and then he says it…

“So, do you go to any fellowship groups?”

“Umm… no, not really.” I say, casually, trying not to laugh, etc.

“Why not?” he asks me, very earnestly, and then proceeds to invite me to his fellowship group, which meets every week and blah-blah-blah. I’m no longer listening, just wondering when exactly is too soon to leave this kind of conversation gracefully. Luckily, his sales-pitch hits a lull, and I excuse myself to go do some fake, nondescript thing that I can no longer remember. A few minutes later, my mom’s friend eyes me from across the room and cocks her head as if to say “what happened?” I shake my head in a just-violent-enough manner to let her know that I am not having it, and that my decision is non-negotiable. She pouts, and I move on.

(To be frank, I don’t have anything against the religious set per-se. I used to be religious. And it’s all good… that is, until you look at me like a project or use the word “fellowship” to describe something other than Tolkein’s work of fiction, or the film that followed.)

I am hopeful that this set-up will not be like either of the two that proceeded it, and especially not like the latter one, but I remain realistically skeptical. I am intrigued, but not necessarily excited. (I remain un-excited on purpose because I find that I am nicer to people when they haven’t just crushed my hopes into oblivion.)

To cap off, I would just like to say that I have recently become aware of my snobbish tendencies (and am currently wondering if it has anything to do with my “wait until you meet the exact right person” upbringing), as well as my relative inability to give anyone a second chance (unless, of course, I have already decided that I like them.) So going into this, I am making a wildly revolutionary idea to be more… you guessed it… open minded!

If nothing else, I will meet someone new… and if that falls flat, at least there will be karaoke!

Lately I have been thinking about what exactly makes someone a perfect partner.

(Something about having been single for forever, reading a lot of Jane Austen, and this post.)

Now, we all know that making a long list of “must-have traits” is bad (and by long I mean more than 5) while keeping an open mind is good (just so long as you close your mind when it comes to obvious creepers and morons.) And while we all know that perfection, quite frankly, does not exist, there are certain things that make a person perfect for us.

However, as these traits can often be so hard to define (I find that my list will almost always change depending on who I’m attracted to), many of us resort to rather vague ideas about what it is that we NEED from our person. In the following list, I will address the inherent wants and needs of the GIRLS out there (or maybe it’s just me, let me know!):

1. You want your man* to be attentive, but not clingy… a little obsessed, but not pathetic or needy. He should call you when you want him to (at least once a day), but he shouldn’t, say, call you at 3am wanting to talk because “he can’t sleep.” You SHOULD, however, be able to do the same to him.

2. You want him to be confident, but not cocky. It’s up to you to decide how awesome he is… so he should just shut up about it… but also, you know, be nice and well-adjusted.

3. You want him to be concerned about the problems you face, but not to feel the need to get involved every time. Just the times you want him to. And you’re not necessarily going to tell him when those times are… because he should just know… right?

4. He should be a little dirty, but not perverted. It’s important that he want you in a way that your parents would not approve of, and to worship regularly at the alter that is your body… but he shouldn’t be nasty about it. He should always remember the importance of eye-contact, and leave you alone when you’re just “not feeling it.”

5. You want him to be romantic, but not corny. You should also be able to know, without a doubt, that he has never been so sweet to anyone but you… ever. “Smoothness” is not acceptable… unless, of course, you aren’t aware of it.

6. He should be smart, but not arrogant. If there is something (or lots of things) he knows more about than you do, he should realize that there are plenty of things you know that he will never understand. But that shouldn’t discourage him from helping you out with whatever he does know.

7. He should be well-groomed, but not vain. If he takes more time getting ready than you do, something’s wrong. This DOES NOT, however, excuse sloppy dressing!

8. You should always be his first priority, but he should not expect the same from you… because, well, you have a life.

And so ends the list. (But not really, I chose to edit.)

I know girls are like this because I am a girl… and because I am a very good listener… and my friends are very good talkers. I also know that these things can sound a little harsh, and if this isn’t you… good, you make the world a better, more rational place!

Listening to my friends talk about what their boyfriends aren’t doing, the traits they wish they had, or the habits they wish they didn’t, can often times be frustrating and exhausting (but worthwhile, don’t get me wrong… I listen because I want to!)… but then again, tracking my own thought-process about what I want, don’t want, and am annoyed by, can also be frustrating, exhausting, and at times – laughable. But the fact that we all dream of perfection, perhaps even come to expect it, remains intact.

When you think about it, perfection is not only impossible (hello – are you perfect? I didn’t think so…) it is also a major contradiction. If someone were perfect, what little quirks would you admire? What flaws would you come to accept, or even love them for? What in the world would you do when you realized that they were perfect while you, admittedly, are not? Who’s to say you would even like perfection?

I guess what I am trying to say is, no one’s perfect. But that doesn’t mean you should have to bend over backwards to accommodate every single little imperfection, simply that you should learn to realize that those imperfections may not be going anywhere. It also doesn’t mean that you should fancy yourself compatible with every single person you will ever meet. Some people are just better suited for each other, and some people aren’t.

Some people, when they meet, and after spending all kinds of time together, will come to realize that they are “meant for each other,” and that no one else will do.

And for all of us – as singular, free-thinking individuals – we must remember that although we are not perfect, we are the ONLY ones, ever, under any circumstances, who can be… us. And that, my friend, is something worth celebrating! (Too corny? Well hey, I told you I wasn’t perfect!)

* I realize that some of you girls are not attracted to men. I don’t want to offend, it’s just that saying the word “person” over and over can get a little wearing!