Upon arrival in the carpeted, leather upholstered lobby, Stoeffel's administrative assistant greeted him with the news that a fresh pot of hazelnut coffee and warm glazed donuts have been delivered to the breakfast room by local vendor, Tri-state Office Equipment. Breathing a heavy sigh, Stoeffel advised his administrative assistant that "some days it's not even worth chewing through the straps to come to work, you know?" Sitting in his climate controlled office with high-speed internet and indirect lighting, Stoeffel noted that his voicemail indicator was blinking. "Will it never end?" he silently prayed to an unforgiving God.

Ten e-mails and one monthly report later, Stoeffel was blindsided by a lunch offer from his counterpart in marketing. "Morton's is out of the sea bass," marketing manager Al "Bad News" Thompson warned, "so it looks like either the Oscar-style filet mignon or the scallops croquette again."

"Why don't you just put a rusty shotgun in my stomach and pull the trigger?" Stoeffel wondered aloud, fighting to just take one breath at a time.

Adding to the impossible working conditions, Building Services announced that the number one stall in the men's room will be out of service for 45 minutes to fix a leaky water supply line with a request to use one of the other eight well-appointed, chemically deodorized stalls. "When will sweet death relieve me from this dystopian nightmare of existential doom?" Stoeffel muttered under his shallow breath. When asked by accounting receptionist Shaundra Malvo to please hold on the phone, Stoeffel replied that he is, "Barely holding it together, right now!"

"Sometimes he will just stare out of his 15th-floor corner window at the panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean for hours," observed office manager Anne-Marie Oshira. "Some days he can hardly focus or concentrate with all the problems going on. He's not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation."

Finally informed that due to a "delay" in the mail room, all early morning packages will be personally hand-delivered to recipients by 10:30am this morning and not the usual 10:00am, Stoeffel just threw up his arms and shouted, "How are we supposed to run a business here? This is unbelievable!" Sources point out that it's not even Monday.-Jason Rohrblogger (9/17/13)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

9. "Once you have loved someone, you'd do anything in the world for them...except love them again."
-Franklin Barnes

8. "Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." -Jan Forrest

7. "Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion."
-Honoré Gabriel Riqueti

6. "Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love." -Yiddish proverb
5. "I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
4. "A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did." -Edgar Watson Howe

3. "No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." -Every Husband Ever

2. "It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced." -Willard G. Utley

And the number one cynical Valentine's Day quote...
1. "The people people have for friends
Your common sense appall
But the people people marry
Are the queerest folk of all." -Charlotte Perkins Gilman

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/14/12)

And the alternates...

"It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses." -Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it." -Don Fraser

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" -Dorothy Parker

"There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged." -Anonymous (and with good reason)

Sunday, January 08, 2012

It appears that, by listing every ache and pain, there are folks on the internet getting more attention than me. This will not stand. Quintuple amputee? Botched gender reassignment? Sore nipples? Rest assured, no matter what the ailment, I am sicker than you. I an effort to garner endless sympathetic comments, herewith are Jason's Top Ten Current Health Issues. See you at my telethon...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Note: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rain One Liners

10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway

9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla

8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board

7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore

6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins

5. The water table is up to my kitchen table

4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank

3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window

2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines

And the number one rain one liner...

1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/29/10)

And the alternates...

Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel
Nemo found at a Lakers game
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower
Tommy Chong high, but not dry
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River
Paparazzi using periscopes
Noah Wyle seen building an ark
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"
LAX only open to Hydroplanes
Real Estate literally underwater

10. "Fitting four months of 'stuff' in two bags is a very interesting process."

9. "[G]ladly leave behind my designer shoes that could have paid for another plane ticket in Viet Nam."

8. "Facing something new is such a crazy rush."

7. "I like this chair, I like this corner of the room, the light peeking out of the shutters is enticing."

6. "This opportunity to live and be alive is all I need."

5. "We had to pull a mission impossible to sneak all of us into this two person max room. After we settled in, we went to Tim Horton's for Iced Caps...a delicious Canadian must (especially in the Roy family)."

4. "It's nice to get away from the concrete that surrounds Southern California and take a breather on the coast."

3. "Keeping my mind in check really helps when trying to make this trip last for the exact amount of time that it needs to."

"...[W]e run into four executives in dress suits who couldn't help but laugh as we frantically apologized for the hotel not supplying us towels. We made it back to the room out of breath and hysterical...."

"The blue of the ocean is not only blue, it is every shade of turquoise, light blue, dark blue, and blues in between."

"I will be getting the first hand, real experience, of living with a Moroccan family."

"My views on life are manifesting on this ship."

"I am starting to enjoy the rolling."

"We were parallel with the Big Dipper...it was huge! I saw at least four shooting stars. I know Grandpa is up there enjoying all of these experiences with me. It is so humbling to be on a small ship in the middle of the ocean with nothing but ocean and sky until the end of the earth."

"I miss that last hour to sleep in."

"Music is wonderful."

"Obviously by the flow of this post, my 23-hour days are getting a hold of me. Goodnight."

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

9. African television stations are now showing "Sponsor an American Child" commercials

8. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries

7. Exxon-Mobil laid off twenty-five Congressmen

6. The ATM gave me an IOU

5. McDonald's is selling the Quarter Ouncer

4. CEOs are now playing miniature golf

3. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife

2. I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank

And the number one economy one-liner...

1. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/14/10)

And the alternates...

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

A stripper was injured when her audience showered her with pennies

Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can"

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore

A picture is now only worth two-hundred words

Wall Street renamed "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they have to share a room

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas taken over by Somali pirates

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America

I eat cereal with a fork to save milk

And two last economy jokes:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Jason makes Celebrity Smackagain! I originally bought Crystal Head Vodka because of the cool bottle. Then I discovered it is really good vodka and it is imported by Dan Aykroyd! When I saw that he was going to have a bottle-signing event, I knew I would have to get a skull full o' booze signed for my fave gossip blogger, Spicy Pants, over at Celebrity Smack. We both started blogging in 2004(!) and have read each other for the last six years. Spicy is a fan of both vodka and Dan Aykroyd, so it was a perfect fit.

Thank you for the shout-out, Spicy! You know I can't wait to read what you post after a few slugs of skull juice! Ha!

7. Thought Americans would be too distracted by Big Macs and Coca-Cola to notice

6. Daniel Day Lewis drank their milkshake

5. I mean, it's bad, but it's no Katrina. Am I right?

4. Heard Sarah Palin saying "Spill, baby, spill..."

3. Attempting to break record for world's largest tarball party

2. Believed shrimp appetizers at Chili's needed more oil in them

And the number one British Petroleum excuse...

1. It's a Presidents Day safety valve BLOWOUT! This weekend ALL safety valves MUST go! Backup valves, bivalves, even heart valves! Everything is being blown out the door! Gallons of oil, deepwater rigs, and rusty drill bits will be released to the public at ROCK BOTTOM prices! Coral reefs, shoreline habitats, and oyster beds will be UTTERLY DESTROYED by our insane basement blowout MADNESS! Look for the fire on the water and smoke in the sky! This blowout is so popular, BP has extended it for the rest of the SUMMER! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, our safety valves have failed and we pass the crude on to you! We must be crazy to be giving unprocessed hydrocarbons away at these prices! This. Summer. Only! C'mon down to Crazy BP's safety valve-tacular. It's distasterrific!

Five-dollar cover and two-drink minimum on all Disneyland rides
State now playing own lottery
LAPD running out of gas before they can catch and beat suspects
Silicon Valley in foreclosure
Mt. Shasta available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, and funerals
Spruce Goose sold for kindling
Schwarzenegger's new catchphrase, "Remember when I said I'd bankrupt you last? I lied."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Oh, Kate Winslet. Sorry to hear you and Sam Mendes split. Now that you are single, I will be available to comfort you during our intense rebound fling. It has probably been seven years since you've had some crazy-hot passion in your life. I'm here to quench the drought. I'll take you back to my trailer park in my Ford Bronco (an American classic!). I'll put on some Marvin Gaye, crack a sixer of Pabst, and remind you how good it feels to be an Oscar-winner. In the morning it's off to Denny's for a decadent Grand Slam. I want you to drown my bacon in your syrup. I've seen all of your movies (Hideous Kinky, anyone?). I know you like middle-aged bearded men. So let's not pretend you haven't been itching to leave Mendes for a little mending. I'll wipe that smile off your face and put it where you need it most. See you in the morning.

Melts in your mind, not in your liver
I'm lovin' it
-
You got alcohol in my peat moss!
You got peat moss in my alcohol!
Two great tastes that taste great together.
-
Like a good neighbor, whiskey is there
M'm! M'm! Good!
Don't leave home without it
When it absolutely, positively has to sleep there overnight
Only you can prevent sobriety
Reach out and punch someone
Tastes great, less willing
America's most trusted liquor
The ultimate drunk driving machine
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's whiskey
What can brown do for you?

1. "How cool would that be to run around in the dead of night blowing poisoned darts in the necks of the nefarious, lodging ninjas stars in their craniums, cutting enemies in half, and scaling walls with climbing spikes? And the disappearing smoke bombs. Sweet Judas Iscariot those puffs of smoke are some kind of bad ass."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/9/10)

And the alternates...

"What is the deal with those little brooms?"

"I thought about Imo's all meat pizza all the way home and even tried to convince the wife that it would make life better."

"I do have to admit that if the pizza were in the house I would tear into it like a down-low Baptist minister on a cracked-out gay hooker."

"I'd ask you to guess how far away my chest of drawers is, but it wouldn't make me look good."

"I have nothing pithy, clever or even offensive to say. I'm just blathering on for no good reason. Are you still reading?"

"[D]on't be expecting any romantic love songs from this writer."

"[T]hey have lost their ever-loving mind if they expect this fat feller to burn 400-500 calories a day."

"I'll meet the sweet baby Jesus sooner rather than later if I try to meet that goal."

"I'm sure the fat doctor would be pleased."

"Don't get me started on the fact that a romantic comedy won best screen play."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

10. The Newly Engaged - No one has ever been as happy as they are! And don't worry, their wedding is SO not going to be like all those other weddings. It's going to be special...and the only one that either of them will ever have, for sure

9. The Karaoke Couple - Same bar, same songs, same night, every week. These two should take their act on the road...to hell

8. The Fight Club - There is nothing that won't start an argument between them. They would break up or get divorced if only they knew how to live without the pleasure of hating each other every day

7. The Love Birds - They think they invented love and they want to share it with anyone within eye-shot. Gross. Get a room. No one needs to see that. They become number ten

6. The Newly Married Who Think They've Really Got Marriage Figured Out; and oh boy, have they got relationship advice for you - thoughtful, charming, deeply self-satisfied advice that absolutely will not make you want to projectile vomit into their sincere faces

5. The Tourist Couple - Do not lock eyes with them. They will ask you where they are, where they're going, how to get there and why it has to be so complicated. Then they will ask you to take their picture

4. The Couple Making Out at the Bar - You could tell them to get a room but it would not do you any good. Whatever room they are currently in is the room

3. The Parents of Each Other - She calls him "Daddy" and he calls her "Momma" and nobody wants to be caught in that parent trap

2. The Twins - Studies suggest that the longer couples are together, the more they begin to look alike. But when you start to look less like a woman and more like your husband's teenage son, it's time for an affair

And the number one annoying couple type...

1. The Strobe Lights - They love each other, they love each other not. They love each other, they love each other not. This relationship does not need counseling, it needs a clapper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/25/10)

And the alternates...

The Power Couple - Power jobs, power looks, power money. These couples would be more annoying were it not for the spectacularly humiliating power break-ups that inevitably follow

The Bar Flys Who Like to Think They Are a Power Couple - Is that a successful relationship you smell? No, it's Axe Body Spray and Newports

The Couple Who Does Not Know They Are About to Get Divorced Because He's Gay and She's Addicted to Painkillers - They will find out soon enough, but until then the tension between them will strip the paint off the walls wherever they go. Best to put on a gas mask if you see them coming

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

A coupla thangs: 1) How can Pat Robertson hear what the devil says? And why was he present at Haiti's negotiations with Old Sparky? 2) I usually have to pay extra to be under the heel of the French. 3) Los Angeles has been serving the devil WAY better than Haiti! Where is our earth-shattering kaboom? 4) That Pat Robertson sure is kooky! To wit:

Top Ten Pat Robertson Quotes

10. "Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings."
–On the dangers of judicial activism

9. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."

8. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

7. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate. This is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–On "gay days" at Disneyworld

6. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

5. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

4. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there."
-After the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

3. "God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'"
-On why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

2. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –On nuking the State Department

And the number one Pat Robertson quote...

1. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
-Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/9/08)

And the alternates...

"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping."
–Clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union."
-On the constitutional separation of church and state

"Well, I totally concur." –to Jerry Falwell following the Sept. 11 attacks, after Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say: "You helped this happen."