Wendy’s specializing in meat-eating lettuce

Behold the greatest fast-food viral video of all time! Or at least, the best one to star a carnivorous head of lettuce. Created for Wendy’s by Kirshenbaum Bond + Partners, it’s called "Crazy Lettuce." The lettuce gets crazy about 18 seconds in. As the guy in the clip says: "Wait for it." I wasted 60 seconds of my life watching the video twice. Which is nothing compared to the years I’ve shaved off my existence pounding down Baconator sandwiches. I regret nothing. If my Baconator comes with lettuce, tomatoes or anything vaguely healthy, I don’t take that stuff off. I send the whole thing back and demand another one. Sure, they probably spit in it, but that’s still better than eating lettuce and tomatoes. Full disclosure: I watched the video three times, and yes, then I went out to Wendy’s. The grease seeped into my clothes, and now I’ll smell like burgers all day. This must be what it’s like in heaven.