I know, monumental, right? Any woman out there knows what I mean. It’s virtually impossible. But I found them. For me, that’s no small feat. My measurements just don’t conform to whatever freakishly-proportioned mannequins that most brands use to size jeans. They just don’t. I’ve dealt with this for YEARS. I’m sure that the stylishly cute J Brand jeans that Duchess Kate always wears would fit perfectly on me.

Trouble is, I’ve got a budget. I just can’t afford jeans that rival the price of monthly rent. So I’ve made do. For years Old Navy was my standby. $19 for a pair of jeans? Yes please. But after several pairs I noticed that you get what you pay for. They shrink. And not just the around-the-butt shrinkage. They actually get SHORTER. That’s a problem. So I nixed Old Navy as an option.

For a while I had a love affair with Lucky Brand. And if you catch the sales just right, you can end up with a great pair of jeans for 50% off of 50% off. Which basically amounts to an average-priced pair of jeans. Not bad. But then – of course – Lucky discontinued my go-to fit and didn’t replace it with anything decent. Bye bye Lucky Brand.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I keep up with two blogs religiously. One of them is the Big Mama Blog. No, she’s not really Big Mama. There’s a story behind the name. Big Mama, aka Melanie Shankel, is hi-larious. Seriously. She’s just the perfect start to my day.

The other blog is written by a ‘self-employed businesswoman-wife-stay-at-home-mom’ who shall remain nameless. While I enjoy her blog, it’s sometimes hard to read about how busy her days are, what with going to the gym, meeting friends for lunch at the mall and shopping at Nordstrom. Multiple times a week.

BUT – after reading for the umpteenth time about how she ‘loves loves loves’ her Always Skinny jeans from The Gap – I had to check them out.

They fit. Perfectly. Soft fabric with just enough stretch that the rear doesn’t start to sag like a diaper after a few hours.

Heaven.

I know, call me shallow. But I challenge you to find ANY woman who doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Normally, jeans from The Gap are out of my budget. But on this particular day, the stars aligned and they were 40% off. 40%!! That’s huge! I snapped them up immediately. (The anonymous superwoman blogger would have ‘love love loved them and bought three pair.’ I can’t do that. I’m on a budget.

I wore my Perfect Jeans three or four times. It was wonderful.

And then The Spouse decided to help me finish the laundry. Cause he’s thoughtful that way.

Yep. You guessed it.

He put them in the dryer. THE DRYER.

Guess what? Now the only way I can wear my Perfect Jeans is to go retro-80s by laying down and using a coat hanger to zip them up. Talk about an ego boost. And they look like capris. Yep. That short.

Now, The Spouse has agreed that he owes me a pair of my Perfect Jeans.