My friend Becky was on one of these sites for a while. She told me lots of guys sent her pictures of their willies. Unsolicited. i was pretty shocked. So apparently, was she. Nevertheless, she still went out with some of them...

Is this, I ask myself, where I am going wrong? Is this why I have been on this site for three years yet had no meaningful contact with anyone?

Should I, rather than attempt to engage with a woman's personality and intellect, simply send her a message saying "hi love, here's a picture of my knob, now show us your tits."

Let me just lay this on the line now. I am not going to send you pictures of my knob.

You can beg.

You can plead.

You can offer me money.

Actually, come to think of it, that last one...

i feel I need to mention that I am somewhat intimacy averse, a characteristic i attribute to my borderline Asperger's personality. I am not here looking for sex.No, really I'm not.No, honestly!I'm not saying it could never happen; just not right now.Stop it. Why are you looking at me that way...?

What I’m doing with my life

Fixing guitars mostly; I'm a professional guitar technician. There's not much more to say about it than that. It's better than working in an office but I really wouldn't care if i never saw another bloody guitar in my life.

I also used to be a commercial sculptor; making patterns for jewellery and giftware. just crap basically. I'm a frustrated novelist who once had a great idea for a thriller which I gave away to a friend who wanted to make the transition into commercial thriller writing. Such is my life. Success by proxy...

The other thing I do is work at the sharp end of charity as a volunteer with Samaritans. I try not to draw attention to it but we're all supposed to be open about it now so that people don't think we're shadowy faceless figures and all vicars and schoolteachers or something like that. Just ordinary people...

Fuck that. I'm anything but ordinary thank you very much. I'm also now struggling with my description of samaritaning as being the "sharp" end; shouldn't it be the warm, fluffy end?Edit. I'm not doing this any longer. At least not for the time being. I'm still helping out with the IT and stuff though.

Books? Well, too many to list here. My favourite author is John Connolly, whose use of english is like music; you can rip any page from his books and read it in isolation just for the beauty of the narrative prose.

I firkin LOVE The Big Bang Theory. I spent two years dissing it because I thought it was just another trashy American sitcom in which all the cool kids poke fun at the silly geeks who can't get a girl. Naturally, i identify with the latter group so it took me a while to realise that it was the exact opposite.

The six things I could never do without

Fruitchipsmy iMacmy iPhoneworkthe company of women

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Why, if the universe was created through intelligent design - as some people like to believe - the designer couldn't come up with a better idea for a pear; a fruit that takes a geological aeon to ripen, has an edibility window of about 5 minutes before turning to mush and having to be thrown away, and which gives absolutely no clue to it's current or impending status in this regard. It's perplexing; unless you are an atheist of course, then the question becomes irrelevant.

On a typical Friday night I am

In front of my computer. What's so special about Friday anyway? Why not ask what I do on a Wednesday? that's much more interesting.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I once earned a living writing tawdry erotica under ridiculous pseudonyms like Dick Long, Orson Carte and Chester Drawse.

You should message me if

You want to.

You look like Jennifer Connelly, even a little bit. This is not an exclusive condition. I mean you don't HAVE to look like her. It would just be nice...

And if you know that the second person personal pronoun in English is "you" and not "u", that there is NO Q in barbecue and that it's "could have" and not "could of".

You know that there is a difference between 'discreet" and "discrete" and that the difference extends to more than just the spelling.

Otherwise don't bother...

I'm guessing that my answers here put a lot of people off, so just to offset that, I don't really mind if you spell barbecue "barbeque" just as long as you accept that it's WRONG, but the "could of/should of" thing and the discrete/discreet thing, that's a deal breaker...