the SHAW Blog

In his latest book entitled, "Out of the Doghouse: A step-by-step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men caught Cheating," international sexual health expert Rob Weiss explains that cheating on one’s spouse can come in many different forms. Whether its watching porn or having actual intercourse, these rules are usually defined within the relationship early on. While these cheating rules may be clear, many are confused as to why men cheat in the first place.

Often, therapists find that men place blame on outside reasons, but what are the real, underlying reasons for cheating?

According to Weiss, one major contributing reason comes in the form of insecurity. These men may not feel they are good enough and have enough going for them so they seek outside validation from other woman. Entitlement also plays a role, says Weiss. These men may be feeling as if they deserve this external release. A third reason might just be pure selfishness, which most probably already considered as a reason in the first place. Cheating men may simply be only concerned with themselves and their desires, leaving their vows behind in pursuit of sexual release.

"For most men, there is no single factor driving the decision to cheat," says Weiss. "And sometimes a man’s reasons for cheating evolve over time as his life circumstances change. Regardless of a man’s reasons for cheating, he needs to understand that he didn’t have to do it. There are always other options—couple’s therapy, taking up golf, being open and honest and working to improve the relationship, even separation and/or divorce. All of these are choices that don’t involve degrading and potentially ruining one’s integrity and sense of self."

by Dr. Stanford

﻿I live to see the positive changes that my clients are courageous enough to make happen in their lives. I believe that this transformation happens in an integrative and holistic environment that focuses on resilience and strengthening our best selves. I am so grateful to be in a career that I love. I feel honored to be able to be a witness to the transformations that happens in front of me every day.

​In order to build intimacy and connection, we have to be able to trust. Trust is one of those huge, often abstract concepts. Has anyone ever been told “I can’t trust you”, but feeling sort of clueless on how to regain that trust? On the other hand, have you been betrayed in the past, you want to learn how to trust again, but you just don’t know where to begin? Most importantly, have you relapsed or fallen and feel lost on how to trust yourself again?

I wanted to share this exercise that I came across in my work with Brene´ Brown and the Rising Strong Process. I have been working through it with many of my clients and they have found it helpful to pinpoint how to gain/build trust. It helps us to understand the different elements that make up trust. We are able to assess which areas we do really well with and which areas we could use some growth. This exercise works really well when looking to strengthen others trust in us, our ability to trust others and most importantly…self trust.

Using the acronym BRAVING, examine each of the areas below to identify strengths and opportunities for growth to build more trust in your life:

B- Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no and you ask for what you need.

R- Reliability: You do what you say you’ll do. This means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

A- Accountability: You own your own mistakes, apologize, and make amends. You don’t blame others for your mistakes and when you need to hold others accountable you do so honestly and with respect.

V- Vault: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.

I- Integrity: You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.

N- Nonjudgmental: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.

G- Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.