People Magazine is blowing minds this morning with their Pandora’s Box cover featuring Sandra Bullock and her brand new shiny baby friend. Yes, Sandra Bullock adopted a baby! Yes, Sandra Bullock filed for divorce! Yes, Sandra Bullock decorates her baby with a necklace I made in preschool! But one of my favorite parts of this cover is Julia Roberts chilling out in the corner like, “Don’t forget about me.” And then baby is throwing her shade like, “Sorry, I got this, bitch.”

So the hos at People Magazine are doing the dick slappy dance this morning, because they scored a double exclusive from Sandra. Sandra has adopted a 3-month-old baby boy from New Orleans. Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla started the process about four years ago, and brought him home in January but they decided to keep Louis a secret for a while. So that explains the trash can full of caca-filled diapers outside of Sandra’s house. Everybody assumed they belonged to Vanilla Gorilla. You know he’s into that kinky diaper play.

Since Sandra has filed for divorce from Vanilla Gorilla, she plans on raising Louis as a single mother. Probably a good thing since I’m not sure how many school teachers will be pleased to see a kid give the Nazi salute during the Pledge of Allegiance.

“He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”

Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family – including James’s children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 – were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now finalizing the adoption as a single parent.

A rep for Bullock confirms the star filed legal papers seeking to end her marriage, but declines to specify in what jurisdiction they are filed. Says Bullock of her decision to divorce: “I’m sad and I am scared.”

I’m sure Sandra kept Louis a big secret, because if she spilled the baby vom back in January, people would have accused her of trying to win Oscar votes by imitating art. Nobody would’ve thought that (yes, they would’ve) unless she adopted Tyler Perry.

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