Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

wanna take him back

Sucks to be in my head today. I've been fighting these thoughts for the past 72 hours, but making no headway. I'm actually flirting with the idea of making contact with Phil. Actually going to the jail to see him. I have a restraining order which I requested, and that would violate it.

Believe it or not, I still think he and I can work things out eventually. It's just too hard to think otherwise, and I feel some responsibilities for MY actions. Not that night, that night I did nothing more than wake up and go to pee. He was wrong for that. Plus I am fairly sure he fell off the wagon and used crack (he's been clean for almost 11 months now). That makes him nuts and violent. Of course, I don't know for sure, because I can't talk to him and find out what the hell happened to him that night. Which is driving me nuts.

But I know that I did many things wrong in the relationship. I pushed his buttons. I did try to be there for him, but he also tried a lot to be there for me. It's too much a mess in my head. All I can do is try to hang on until SOMEBODY tells me WHEN we'll be in front of a judge. Because right now I feel like nobody loves me, and at least he did.

After 23 fucking days, still no trial date set yet. HOW MUCH LONGER do I have to hold on???? I'm pretty fucking mad. And they wonder why women don't follow through on pressing Domestic Battery/Violence charges? Maybe this is why, we can't hold on until then!!!!

I'm sad, I'm lonely, my friggin rent is due ($1800) and my car payment and insurance are due ($600)plus other bills and he hasn't worked in 4 months and I'm almost out of money!! The real estate market sucks, I'm not making anyb $$, I'm working full time and taking care of our 4th grader (who is not in afterschool). I'm stressed and worried!

I'm thinking maybe it's better to get him back here now, have him find a job, and then try to work things out.

&quot;Now youve done it. You have been forced to choose between your own sanity, your future and sense of self, and the arbitrary, absurdly selfish whims of a mentally ill manipulator, youve chosen the high road to peace and clear thinking. Youve broken up with the Narcissistic abuser.

&quot;ITS NOT TOO LATE!!!! CALL HIM!!! Beg his forgiveness! Yes, hell wiggle with glee at your showering him with this attention and taunt you with ambivalence or outright haughty insults as punishment for your taking control of your own life, but hang in there! You might still be able to resume your place in his whacked psychoworld!

&quot;OK. I know. You miss him. We all know how that feels. But, now, lets take a peek at this missing thing.

&quot;I assume we all agree that with Narcissistic abusers, were generally dealing with two people: The guy he is, and the guy he pretended to be. You miss one of them. I take it we all know which one.

&quot;Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned.

In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, youve got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldnt be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all.

&quot;When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! Youre alive!, you think. Youre not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! Youre finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?

&quot;Whoa, there, Sister. Let me spare you a tiny bit of hurt here by having us skip ahead to where he slams you again and you wake up in the harsh, cold world of Reality. Things just got even worse. Pretend Guy is still gone, Actual Guy is still abusing you, Pretend Guy and Actual Guy are still the same guy, AND now any baby steps into healing you might have made just got deleted into nothingness.

&quot;And you wonder how hes feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (Narcissists dont pick hardasses for partners), but youre conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-N you, doesnt want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner.

&quot;For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend L. Ls man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was unempathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. L knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; hed grow distant, shed work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall?

&quot;Friend L stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she selfishly left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Lets ask her, shall we?

&quot;Alex: Hey, L. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their Narcissist partners?

&quot;L: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!!

&quot;Hmmm. Well, dont pay any attention to her. She should have stayed for 31 years; maybe THEN he would have changed. Besides, YOUR Narcissist is different! HELL get better! He will! I swear! Please, just take him back and get him away from the rest of us...

&quot;When we leave the Narcissist, its because the abuse has gotten intolerable. Afterwards, when he calls us and pushes the buttons he knows extremely well, the temptation to give him another chance can be overwhelming. Were hurt; were mad; we want to recoup some of our losses; we love him and want it to work; we just cant believe that anyone would be so warped as to hurt us that way, so we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All roads point to trying again with the N.

&quot;Except for one. Reality. Truth. Knowledge, and honesty with yourself. Your peace. Your health. This road points in the opposite direction away from the Narcissist. Yes, its an uphill road, but if you can invest in the climb the view from the top is spectacular.

&quot;Does it seem like if you just invested enough love and time in the Narcissist, well, it just cant help but to get better?

&quot;Our L spent 30 years wanting her narcissist to get better. I wonder if he started to get a little better around year 10. Or year 17. Year 23? Year 29? Is L. content that she tried hard enough to make the relationship work? Lets ask L.

&quot;Alex: Hey, L, are you glad you spent 30 years in a relationship with a narcissist?

Get help and support from a women's abuse group in your area. Get support from anyone you can.
Repeat: IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT WITH HIM!!!!
His messed up behavior is not your fault - it has nothing to do with you except you are who he takes it out on.
It is NOT RIGHT for you to allow this.
It is not right for you, not right for you child, and not right for him.
He made the decision to do drugs, he made the decision to abuse you, he made the decision NOT to get the necessary help and stick with it.
Do WHATEVER you need to do to save yourself.
Get a cheaper place, pay what bills you can.
Call the places you owe and explain your situation - most places will let you do some kind of payment plan you can afford.
Pretend your abuser is dead - that's right: pretend he no longer exists.
Communicating with him is not an option.
He can't come back, he can't work, he can't help you - he is dead.
Kill the abuse, kill the misery, kill the depression, kill the dependence, and bring yourself back to life.

Please get some help for yourself asap you can't make a grown man work. You know your relationship with him is not going to work that is why there is a restraining order in place. You can also chance losing your child to DSS if this continues. Take care you deserve better.

if you take him back you can't be sure that he won't fall of the wagon again. also it is going to take more energy to &quot;help&quot; him than to help yourself.
money should never be a factor when disiding if a relationship is worth saving. please think of yourself and your needs. hang in there and try to remember you are worth more than what he gave you.
get some support from professionals they can help you through the wanting him back phase of leaving the abuse behind.

If you are involved with a Narc I would truly read over and over the blog that vonnie has posted here. Noone can tell you what to do but finances will eventually sort themselves out (hell I'm still struggling after 8 months) but I would rather be broke than go back to the abuse for the sake of being able to pay bills.

I read your post and all the advice. Especially vonnies and now I'm sitting here crying because I want to take my man back so bad and I know all these things everyone is saying and they are all true and I wish with all my heart that they werent. I wish he was right, and he really did mean it and this time it's gonna be different, he promises, ya know. He wants to marry me. Me his daughter and my son are his life and the only things that make him whole. Becky hon, I feel your pain. Why do we have to be put in this situation of feeling this way. I got a shut off notice on my gas (which is my heat, and stove, and hot water} my electricity and my car insurance and he's telling me he needs 100. on his books when I just put 70 on two days ago. so I know he's calling some other girl because he cant call me. I hate my life right now. I feel so bad for you because I know how conflicted you are. I just want to go back in time and pretend it never happened so we can go on with our life together. I dont know how to live it without him.

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...

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