Making Amends: 4 Steps

Make Amends: 4 Steps

In seeking to mend a fractured relationship, a well-considered strategy is as crucial to success as showing contrition, sincerity and humility. You need to empathize, apologize, make reparations, and take the proper steps to ensure you don’t repeat your mistake down the road.

The following process is not appropriate for minor screwups; it’s reserved for grave situations that merit extra attention. Before beginning the process to making amends, you should first determine whether or not an apology is necessary; after all, not every mistake requires an apology, and there’s something to be said for standing your ground on some issues. But, in the end, the decision to say “I’m sorry” may all come down to how important the relationship is to you.

Here are four easy steps to help you in your making amends endeavors.

step 1

Determine the scope of your wrongdoings

A level-headed examination of your mistake is critical for one very good reason: Developing empathy. You need to look at your actions from other angles, including the angle of the person you wronged. The hope is to understand how and why your actions hurt the person.

The only effective way to do this is to put yourself in their shoes and ask some tough questions: How did my mistake affect their life? Did my mistake cause irreversible damage to this person’s self-esteem/self-worth? Were they dependent on me for anything? Did I let them down?

This is a step toward taking the situation as seriously as it needs to be taken. We’ve all been wronged before, and one of the most maddening aspects is when our anger isn’t given the gravity we feel it deserves. So, take the time to empathize with the other person.

step 2

Offer a carefully worded apology

Your apology is important. In order for it to work, it has to be genuine and it has to petition directly to the heart of the matter for the person you wronged. Keep in mind: Depending on the circumstances, your apology may be repeated to others down the line — friends, family members, colleagues, you never quite know who'll hear the story. To that end, your apology should:

Address the mistake itself (“I gave you my word and I let you down”);

Address how and why it affected the person to show you fully understand (“What I did has compromised the trust you had in me”);

Express your desire not to lose this important relationship (“Your friendship is valuable to me”);

Hold no one but yourself accountable — now is not the time to deflect blame.

Get them to forgive you with two more steps from our making amends guide…