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I am so confused with the serosorting thing. I would like to begin dating one day soon, since I am finally over the shock and awe of HIV. I'm also practicing adherence with my current meds (Lexapro and Rantidine) and I'm glad that I am in great health. Well... "great" being an operative word.

So some are talking about serosorting and dating other poz people. If you do this for dating or sex, why do you do it? If not, how is dating/socializing for you?

There are at least two arenas where I have thought about this. Casual sex. And dating, relationships.

I dont serosort for either. A rational that covers both is that I don't have all that many people interested in me so why would I narrow it further. Secondly, when I was HIV-, I didn't serosort. I thought people are people if you have a connection you go for it.

I dont serosort for casual sex because my experience having casual sex with other HIV+ guys, who wanted me (so 30-60 yo) is they almost all wanted bareback sex and I ended up getting Hep C and butt chlamydia. Its actually easier for me to find HIV- guys willing to fuck with condoms then it is HIV+ guys willing to do the same.

I haven't serosorted for relationships since being HIV+ because I haven't had one. But I'm not going to narrow the field by looking only for other HIV+.

I like the idea of being with another HIV+ guy and my age to boot and the few guys I have met have not been interested in relationships. They say they are. I see the same HIV+ ones on the hook up sites for years, since before I was even HIV+. And they say they are looking for relationships, but they are not because they are forever single. In contrast, I was always in relationships, for decades, but now 6 years HIV+ and I am single...

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

That thought has gone through my mind too. I was the neg partner in a +/- relationship until I became poz. Not from him, but another guy we hooked up with that said he was neg (but wasn't). Prior to me, my partner only wanted to be with other poz/ud guys. I am starting to understand that a little. For one, the whole not being able to deal with the day-to-day issues a +/- couple deal with. Secondly, it decreases the fear of rejection. Third, I would say a poz/ud couple share the same risks and responsibilities each other do and maybe even share a more deeper connection and understanding. There is also kind of a thought out there that a ud/ud union poses less risk to each other and somewhat eases the mind. Anyway...I'm still figuring it all out too.

Like if this guy was HIV-negative and asked me out (IT COULD HAPPEN!!! ) you think I'm going to say no?

Yes, and I'm still waiting for Bobby to answer his stalking fan mail!

From what my single friends who are '+' indicate it's just easier to look for someone in the same boat....and there are no shortage of passengers. You already have to deal with the the possible deal-breakers (chewing with their mouth open, can't hold the liquor, rotten in bed, flatulence or a she-devil bible-thumping mother). Why add this to that to the mix? Not that I have a treasure trove of positive friends on the dating scene but those that are just seem happier when they don't have to worry about all that crap when they're already testing the waters on everything else.

But, you are right......if he does start answering those letters it's game on!

« Last Edit: April 26, 2014, 09:59:04 PM by Dan0 »

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You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

I don't serosort -- because I don't think there's any reason to. I'm dating a neg guy right now, I wear a condom, and everything works just fine. Really, it hasn't been a problem at all. I've been poz for 5 years, have dated both neg and poz guys, doesn't seem to matter to me or them.

I actually like condoms because it slows me down a bit. Sure, it would sometimes be fun to cum inside of someone and I can't do that if he's neg. But it's hardly a showstopper for developing a great relationship. At least it's been that way for me.

I'd encourage you to be out about your status and feel no shame. Handle having HIV with grace and men -- of all kinds -- will come to you.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I haven't been + long enough really to sort out my feelings fully on the issue-found out June 2013-but so far, I have been very hesitant about the idea of dating a negative guy.

It isn't even so much the stigma issue moreso that I am absolutely terrified of falling for someone and then 'hurting' them with this virus. I'm undetectable, thankfully, and I know it's statistically improbable, but the thought just...no...cannot handle it. I'm still dealing with the guilt of transmitting it to the one person I did (prior to finding out I was poz).

So yea, I'd definitely prefer to date another poz guy, just for the comfort of knowing that I am in no way a danger to him.

I dont serosort for either. A rational that covers both is that I don't have all that many people interested in me so why would I narrow it further.

Ironically that's somewhat related to why I am beginning to serosort. I've all sort of character flaws which probably only my mother can tolerate (actually, more precisely, stem from Freudian mommy-issues). I find that pozzies tend to cut me some slack in this respect. Already their dating market is restricted, so many are willing to tolerate my lunacy for the off chance that I tick enough of the other boxes to form a relationship.

I understand people have their experiences, long histories, and how it must scar to know they have transmitted HIV. But in my personal opinion, this fear that someone who knows he/she is HIV+ and is going to transmit it to a beloved partner, I dunno. I find it corrosive and self-stigmatising. I truly believe this must be a very rare occurrence in the whole history of the epidemic. People who know, wish to protect their partner, but nevertheless manage to transmit HIV. Really?

Furthermore, nowadays, and being undetectable, its just not going to happen. Is it?

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Obviously there is a health element to magnetic couples if the HIV+ person is not on treatment. I was proposing my personal theory that it would be quite rare for a magnetic couple to cease to be one (for the HIV+ to transmit to the HIV-) if the couple was making an effort for that not to happen. In other words, protected sex.

I had magnetic relationships as an HIV- and didn't get HIV that way. I got it from some one off I can't even identify. i know so many stories of magnetic couples that work fine. Whatever floats your boat. I think serosorting is great if it meets the needs of the couple involved, whatever those needs might be.

I personally think HIV+ people should be cautious about deciding to serosort on the rationale that they are some sort of Typhoid Mary and they need to protect the world from their sickness. In so many words.

if they are thinking oh, geez, "now I have to serosort" or "nobody will want me but another HIV+ person" -- its not a great mind set, imo.

But certainly there are many great practical and psychological reasons to serosort.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx