Daniel Craig is baldly going forward as James Bond

THE Skyfall star has been told he needs a hair transplant or he'll soon be smooth-headed.

007 star Daniel Craig has been told he needs a hair transplant. Apparently if he doesn’t sort it, he’ll play Blofeld in the next film.

Meanwhile, Skyfall director Sam Mendes has revealed that he considered asking Sean Connery to make a cameo. It would have been perfect for Sean.

The end of the film is set here in Scotland, still the one accent he can actually do. This comes as Roger Moore, 85, says he’d love to play a James Bond villain. There’s one who springs to mind, Roger. Old-Finger.

Britney has a novel idea for her second career

It seems like every pop star’s looking for a second career.

Britney Spears is in talks to write her first novel. It marks a literary double for the star – as she’s planning to read her first one next week.

According to a poll, 97 per cent of us are more likely to be adventurous with food on holiday. In fact, some folk will do risky things such as eat crocodile. Or if you’re really brave, eat that rubbery scran they serve you on the plane.

Talking of in-flight bravery, the boss of Ryanair has claimed that seatbelts on aeroplanes are pointless.

Well, I suppose it helps if most of your journey is completed by bus.

Status Quo are to reunite for a series of gigs next year. Thankfully for fans, they’ll be reverting to the formula that made them famous.

The shows will feature the original four members and original three guitar chords.

A Belfast solicitor has become the UK national Scrabble champion.

Well done, big man, but it’s no real surprise.

He sat down, rattled off a few big words and earned two grand for a couple of hours’ work. Typical lawyer.

The HMRC are getting pelters for allowing Starbucks to pay almost no corporation tax here. It’s true.

I went into a Starbucks the other day and asked for something “skinny”. They gave me a copy of their tax return.

Actor Colin Salmon has claimed that he was too tall for his Strictly dance partner, after their elimination from the show.

He was partnered with a little Russian. But never mind, he’s walked away with a big cheque.

Talk of the wild

Researchers claim that a zoo elephant in South Korea can speak Korean out loud.

Koshik the elephant is capable of saying basic words and grunts using his trunk. That means he’s only about a week away from singing Gangnam Style.

Talking of baby elephants, Wayne Rooney has been tweeting about becoming a dad again. Coleen has outlined plans to give birth in an NHS hospital. Good call. With Wayne as the father, the previous suggestion had been Blair Drummond Safari Park.

BBC Three is to screen a new documentary about Superstorm Sandy. I’m expecting a sensitive BBC Three title. My money’s on “Randy Sandy, The World’s Horniest Hurricane”.

Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi and Christina Aguilera all performed at a charity concert to help victims of the storm. Jon Bon Jovi was particularly keen to get involved. The hurricane was almost as powerful as the gust from his hairdryer.

And due to the fuel shortage in New York, folk are now offering petrol in exchange for nookie. They should move here. We’ve been getting screwed over petrol for years. Still, at least there’s a ready-made slogan:

“A pump for a pump.”

Bradley Wiggins was knocked off his bike and suffered a fractured rib, broken finger and bruised sideburns. He was taken to a medical facility and pumped full of drugs. Sounds like a day out with Lance Armstrong.