Ripping ones’ self a new one (it’s funny in the end)

05 May Ripping ones’ self a new one (it’s funny in the end)

I’m hoping this is not a sign of things to come, I’ve had a small digestive issue since just before Passover. For those of you who haven’t had the joy of experiencing a full 8 day kosher Passover like we observe at Che Marder you may not fully understand this, suffice to say small digestive issues have a way of becoming large ones especially when the bread of affliction aka (Matzo) is involved. I was experiencing a pain in the rear this year. As to be expected I was suffering from over exposure to relieves but it got worse even after the holidays were over.

Lucky for me my Dr recommended a great Colial Rectal surgon who did an amazing job with a bowl resection on my 95 yr old grand father. I was in so much pain I was hoping for hemorrhoids but secretly fearing something much worse. As it turns out I had a fissure ! Yes Apparently I had torn myself a new arsehole… With the help of Passover

Oddly enough I had just been talking to a close friend about how he had been having a rough holiday with an anal fissure he was using Nitroglycerin cream and it healed but kept re-tearing.

This was how my Dr visit went in dialog after the exam.

Dr.J” I an give you some Nitroglycerin cream to give you some relief it may heal over the next few weeks. ”

Me “Doc. Let me cut to the chase I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t the best guy around I’m going to be on a plane to Tokyo in two weeks to look for apartments because we’re moving there for two years. What’s the real treatment for an anal fissure”

DrJ.” Surgery an anal sphnkterotomy You have a bunch of mussels in there some you control some you don’t I cut one of the involuntary ones that is putting tension on the fissure keeping it from healing. I have to leave the incision open that way they both heal I have done a lot of these for years and have never had a patient develop incontinence. The pain from the procedure is less than what your feeling now”.

Me “Wow, literally cut to the chase that skill is so rare, There are so many one liners your speech just generated in my head thank you for being so clear, informational and yet entertaining at the same time. How soon can you schedule my butt surgery”!

I got on Dr.J’s surgery rotation after my pre op exam and required tests in record time 6 days later. on the day of surgery Dr.j and I had a quick pre op talk.

Dr J “you ready”.

Me “No, I tried to back out of the surgery but I needed in the end.

Dr J. “Because you’re having butt surgery?”

Me “I guess I’ll have to deal with the fact that from now on I’m going to be officially a bigger asshole than before.

Lesson learned? The food goes in the poop comes out everything is good!

This is a big one so I’ll reiterated… other words you have no Idea how bad life can be until your arse is broken, take care of your arse people it’s not like a hip there not going to pop a new one in when yer old because ya didn’t eat yer fiber.

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Danny Marder

dannymarder@gmail.com

Daniel N. Marder is a Visual Artist, Teacher, Writer, Cook, Consumer, Critic, Primary Care provider of two growing & inquisitive children, and Husband on an enthusiastic pursuit of the brilliant experience of life. Sometimes funny sometimes strange always seems like it should be in someone 's screen play and then they started blogging.

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