Question

Posted by: anon | 2011-04-21

can''t get married man out of my head

Hi,

I don''t why but i cannot get this married man out of my head. 4 years ago i met this guy which i was crazy about but not knowing that he is engaged. we were seeing each other for a few weeks only to find out he is engage. i immediately ended things. we saw each other often because we then had mutual friends but nothing happened between us in that time. we really liked each developed strong feelings for each other he was everything i wanted in a guy. he then told me he''s getting married, he''s fiance was pregnant and she was muslim but he wasn''t happy in the relationship, i think he was pressured to take responsibility but asked me if i wanted to be with him in that case he will not get married. i said no cause i could not break up a family and she was expecting his child. it was hard for me to let go but i knew that it could not work if he cheated on his fiance then he could cheat on me too. i cut off all ties from him and only after a few months i saw him again and did something stupid that i''m not proud of at all. but he looked miserable and we were so happy to see other and then we got intimate. i don''t know what i was thinking coz that is not like me. i''ve only before him been with one guy which i spent 7 years with. he then wanted to leave his wife for me but i refused and decided it''s best that we don''t see each other anymore. i moved on with my life and met my boyfriend which i love to bits and have been with for 3 years and we were always happy. and then he came back again went looking my cell number and said he just needed to talk to someone. we hooked up and he told me he is seperated from his wife and it ended up with us being intimate again. i felt terrible of what i did to my boyfriend as i''m not the type to cheat but somehow this guy has this effect on me i just cannot control my feelings for him. he then again insisted that we leave the people we are with to be together and i actually considered it but then again cut all ties from him up untill today. i was not sure about him we did not date and the fling we had didn''t last too long so i'' decided to stay with my boyfriend even though i will always love this other guy and i know he feels the same way. and i still think about him alot and i sometimes wish that i can just see him again. he is still with his wife now. i don''t know why i can''t get him out of my head....i believe that it will and can never be ....why can''t i get him out of my mind? how can i just forget about him and concentrate on my relationship with my boyfriend ....pls advise

Our expert says:

Firstly, try to avoid giving yourself negative instructions and predictions, like " I can't get..." You haven't done so SO FAR. YOu could.
And face the FACTS. He was cheating on his fiancee ; he lied to you and to her. IS that really "everything you ever wanted in a guy " ?
And he had gotten his fiancee pregnant ( knowing especially what this would mean to a muslim ) and THEN decided he didn't much care for her ?
Then you felt sorry for him ( though he had been busy hurting OTHER people ) and gave him a chance to get you pregnant, too. And he didn't worry about the possible consequences for you.
What on EARTH do you find so irresistable about this rat ?
Of he needs to talk to someone, tell him to see a counsellor, who won't let him sleep with him or her. If he loved you there is no way he would have taken advantage of you so often. Are you really desperately keen to help him to get you into more trouble and misery ?
You are workin hard to ignore all the ugly truths about him, and you are in love not with this unpleasant guy,, you are in love with your fantasies of who you dream he might be and which he will never be.
You say you're not proud of what you did, but you keep on doing it. You CAN stop those feelings. You can stop being in love with a rosy fantasy, and start smelling the stinkblaar.

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Our users say:

Posted by: Anon | 2011-04-28

thanks for the advise CS and everyone for your input i think i''m starting to look at things more clearer now and feeling a lot of regret and really stupid for degrading myself in that way and for what i''ve done and allowed

Posted by: Pat | 2011-04-21

Perhaps if more men and women practice a little self discipline, a lot of heartache can be avoided. I feel sorry for the child in this marriage as the dad is not a dedicated family man. He will not be dedicated to you if you do decide to have a relationship, as he is weak willed with no idea of what he wants in life. How can he impregnate a woman, marry her then decide this is not what he wants?

Posted by: anon | 2011-04-21

to romany i said WE COULD NEVER BE i don''t want him to leave his wife. and you have a right to your opinion and believe me ''im not proud of what i did at all. i have accepted the fact that he is married and don''t intend of leaving my boyfriend for him. and the last time i saw him was more than a year ago but i still can''t stop thinking of him. i know what i feel and i cannot change my feelings you can''t just switch off your feelings and stop loving someone

Posted by: Anon | 2011-04-21

Posted by: Romany | 2011-04-21

Hi, you are giving yourself lots of UNDUE credit by making remarks such as:- &quot i''''m not the type to cheat &quot &quot i said no cause i could not break up a family and she was expecting his child&quot etc etc.The bottom line here is that HE IS MARRIED regardless to whom. Religion, race everything else aside. He made a CHOICE to marry her and now, instead of paying a prostitute in hard earned cash..... he is getting it free and for nothing from you.If you insist that the both of you FEEL for each other and are meant to be together bla bla bla.... tell him to divorce his wife/family legally and only THEN will you make a commtment and give the relationship a go.I will bet money on the fact that this will not happen.You are into the deceipt, the mystery, the whole scene with this guy and you THINK you love him, but looking at the hard facts here, you really cannot be that naive? Or can you.Then on the other hand (and this is something you should do always). Place yourself in the wife''s position..... would you like someone to do this to you?No, believe me, do this and it will come back to you like a ton of bricks.

Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-04-21

Firstly, try to avoid giving yourself negative instructions and predictions, like " I can't get..." You haven't done so SO FAR. YOu could.
And face the FACTS. He was cheating on his fiancee ; he lied to you and to her. IS that really "everything you ever wanted in a guy " ?
And he had gotten his fiancee pregnant ( knowing especially what this would mean to a muslim ) and THEN decided he didn't much care for her ?
Then you felt sorry for him ( though he had been busy hurting OTHER people ) and gave him a chance to get you pregnant, too. And he didn't worry about the possible consequences for you.
What on EARTH do you find so irresistable about this rat ?
Of he needs to talk to someone, tell him to see a counsellor, who won't let him sleep with him or her. If he loved you there is no way he would have taken advantage of you so often. Are you really desperately keen to help him to get you into more trouble and misery ?
You are workin hard to ignore all the ugly truths about him, and you are in love not with this unpleasant guy,, you are in love with your fantasies of who you dream he might be and which he will never be.
You say you're not proud of what you did, but you keep on doing it. You CAN stop those feelings. You can stop being in love with a rosy fantasy, and start smelling the stinkblaar.

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