Reader Story: What My Father’s Death Taught Me About Estate Planning

This guest post from Jody is part of the “reader stories” feature at Get Rich Slowly. Some stories contain general advice; others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure. These stories feature folks from all levels of financial maturity and with all sorts of incomes.

My dad died recently. He was a good man and a great father. Just three months after he retired (after spending more than 40 years as a salesman for an oil company), he was diagnosed with stage-four colon cancer. Throughout my life, my father tried to give my brothers and me a good financial education.

For instance:

We were solidly middle class, but I always thought we were sort of poor. Often, there wasn’t money for this or that. But Dad taught me to be comfortable living below my means.

If I needed money, Dad told me to get a job. My brothers and I all had jobs since we were about twelve. I packed rice into take-out containers at a Chinese restaurant when I was in seventh and eighth grade.

He taught me that charity matters. We sponsored kids our age in poor countries as a way to give back and underscore how fortunate we were.

But the most unexpected financial lesson my father taught me came after he passed away. I am the executor of his estate. My dad was always a planner, but the things he did to make this processes easier are amazing. I feel compelled to share them with just about everyone I know. Today, I’m sharing them with GRS readers.

Building a team
My dad lived on a beautiful lake in Missouri, which is about five hours from where I live. Every time I’d go and visit him, he would set up a meeting with his “key people”. I’d argue against it. “Dad, I don’t really need to meet your tax guy,” I’d say. He insisted.

I met his insurance representative. We took his attorney to lunch. Just about every time I came to visit, he had to “stop at the bank for a minute.” I’m on a first name basis with his bank. When his “Fidelity Lady” called he’d say, “Just a minute I want you to talk to my daughter.” I would roll my eyes and be embarrassed for both of us as he handed me the phone.

This is all years ago, when it looked like chemo was working and he would beat cancer. Today, these connections have been invaluable. When my dad’s insurance representative heard that he passed away, he called me and had already dropped the forms in the mail. His banker has made everything so easy. “Don’t worry about that you can sign it next time you’re here.” His “Fidelity Lady” also contacted me and filled out half the paperwork for us.

I can’t count how many times, I’ve said “Thanks Dad, for looking out for me.” I knew who to call. I’ve met them. I have their business cards.

Negotiating fees
Dad negotiated the estate fees. Lunch with the attorney who wrote his will was so helpful that I’m still in awe. When the dust settled, I called her and said “What now?” She knew exactly what to do and had all the information to do it. But, get this: Dad negotiated the estate fees as well. He told her, “If my daughter decides to use you to settle the estate, (knowing he had already stacked the deck in her favor) let’s negotiate a not-to-exceed amount that you would charge.” He then put that amount in a targeted bank account.

I was thinking that the cost for the legal fees would be about $7,000 or $8,000. I had no frame of reference. This was just a number in my head. The fees were $20,000. I was blown away. When I did some research and called some lawyer friends, I learned that lawyers typically charge between 3% and 5% of the total value of the estate. My dad had negotiated 2% and put the money in an account I had immediate access to. Again, thanks Dad!

Planning ahead
Several years ago when he was still healthy, he added me to his bank accounts. My name was on his checks. I argued against it because I thought it was unnecessary and I was always taught that money and account balances are private information. He wanted me to do it anyway. (His credit was always spotless, so I knew there was no risk for me.)

When his health started to fail and then when he passed away, it was absolutely seamless for me to pay his bills. I could sign the checks. (He even made me “try it out” years ago by writing a $10 check to my brother!) I could pay bills on-line. He made sure there was enough money in that account to pay the bills in case his house doesn’t sell for almost two years.

Preparing for the worst
My father pre-paid his funeral expenses and left extra money in that checking account for miscellaneous expenses. Again, my dad was a planner. He had a master binder. He wanted to review his funeral arrangements with me, but that was more than I could handle. He told me when I needed the plans, I just had to flip to “F” for Funeral in his binder. Low and behold when I did, everything was there: the places he had made arrangements with and copies of cancelled checks with business cards attached to them. There were five copies of 8x10s he had taken when he was still relatively healthy for us to use in the obituary! Attached to that was his obituary! He wrote it himself.

Even as organized as he was there were about $3,500 in unforeseen costs. It was a rainy, windy day and we needed a large tent and chairs at the graveside. Obituaries cost about $100 a day. I had no idea newspapers charged for obituaries! My grandma wanted the obituary ran in several other papers along with the ones my dad specified, which was fine, but I was shocked to see that it cost $500 more. Seeding that checking account that I already had access to, was key. I cringe at the thought of having to ask my brothers, who are a financial mess, to chip in for anything. Luckily, his funeral didn’t become a financial burden on anyone.

Settling affairs
When Dad updated his will several years ago, he asked if I would be his executor. Of course I said yes. He told me that I was entitled to compensation for doing this. He recommended I take a 2% or 3% commission. I said no way. It felt like I would be charging him.

After he passed away and I realized all that it entailed, I found myself thinking that maybe I should have taken him up on that offer. Being the executor of an estate — even a very well-planned estate — took about 10 to 15 hours a week for months. It’s a big job. I found myself resenting my brothers since I was doing it all.

When we went to Fidelity to split up his IRA, he had stipulated that I receive 1% more then my brothers for my job as executor. He paid me anyway! He knew the job should come with some compensation and he preserved my relationship with my brothers. See what I mean? My dad was amazing, and this is just a small peek into his wonderful life.

A gift from the grave
I honestly consider my father’s financial planning to be a selfless act of love. Despite his generosity, I would trade every last cent for ten more minutes with him. When someone you love dies, it’s brutal. Emotionally, and physically. Trust me, you really are in no state to make these type of financial or legal decisions on your own (unless maybe you are an expert). I haven’t even mentioned the tax side of it. I’m sure there are ways to save money and do things cheaper.

Reminder: This is a story from one of your fellow readers. Please be nice. After more than a decade of blogging, I have a thick skin, but it can be scary to put your story out in public for the first time. Remember that this guest author isn’t a professional writer, and is just learning about money like you are. Henceforth, unduly nasty comments on readers stories will be removed or edited.

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God Bless you and yours. That was a heartfelt story. Your father reminds me of my father, truly great men! Cheers!!!

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Evan Guthrie Law Firm

A little work and planning ahead of time will save family members greater work, time, hassle, and money down the road. Estate planning is more for those left behind than for oneself.

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Don

Jody,

Thank you for your story. This is an amazing testament to being prepared and planning ahead. I will share your story with my clients, and I believe it will help many of them to understand the importance of planning.

Thank you.

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Araceli Dugo

You need to get an attorney to help you navigate this. It’s possible that he will be asked to maintain your health coverage if you can show that there is a preexisting condition that would disqualify you from obtaining other insurance coverage. But, whether or not his insurance company would permit you to remain on the policy after divorce would also come into play. Your child will most certainly qualify to remain on his coverage. As for keeping the house, you would have to show that you are able to maintain the mortgage. If you live in a community property state, you may also have to pay your soon to be ex his half of the equity in the home to be able to keep it. There are so many variables that can come into play, especially given your disability, that I think you’ll be much better off getting advice from an attorney in your area. Many attorneys offer a free initial consult. Call around and find one who will do this. Have a list of your questions ready and ask them so you can have reliable advice on them. Good luck to you.

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Joyce miller

Very inspiring! I just lost my father at a pretty young age. I will use this for my kids one day.

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Sarah

Thank you for such a helpful story. After my father passed, things were a financial mess. As my mother is reaching her final years, I can plan things with her now to help avoid the mess with my father. I had no idea where to start. Thank you!

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ElleX

My condolences to you and your family on the transition of your Father.

Thank for your story. You included some aspects that I never thought of. I will definitely be putting together a binder for not only my parents but myself.

Thank you, again!

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John Hughes

Condolences on the loss of your father. I do have a question. Not sure if this is the way to ask, but I’ll give it a try. Are there any tax implications from being a joint signer on your father’s bank accounts?

Again sorry for your loss and thanks for sharing your story.

John

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Jim

I’m sorry for your loss. Your dad’s story made my eyes water. What a great dad!

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Diana Young

What a great story. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man and is proof that the greatest legacy a parent can leave a child is a good education. You obviously were a loving daughter who deserved his trust and the responsibility he left you. Thanks again for sharing. Diana

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Julie

I really appreciated you sharing this, even after such a great loss, your dad continues to give a wonderful gift…a strong example to follow.

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Kristen

I have tears in my eyes from reading your story. I lost my dad 18 months ago and he sounds a lot like your dad. We are both so lucky to have had such wonderful dads. I am sorry for your loss.

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Dan

A wonderful man with a wonderful legacy; thank you for sharing.

This post was recommended to me by one of my clients. (I am a financial professional.) The best gift a person can leave their children is what this father gave, a written plan. It’s not easy, but everyone should talk to their parents concerning legacy/estate planning before the time comes.

It is a difficult topic, but even more so when your loved one is facing the terminal illness and refuses to discuss such things. Plan ahead so those last remaining months/weeks/days can be spent together in love and not frantically tying up loose ends. I too speak from experience.

Thank you again for baring this personal part of your life.

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LN

Wow. Thanks for sharing, and sorry for your loss. My mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago. We are working on estate planning for my father-in-law. It’s definitely a complicated and lengthy process.

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Courtney

What a touching story and a wonderful gift from father to daughter. My parents are both in good health but I’m saving this article for the (hopefully-distant) future. So sorry for your loss, Jody, but thank you for sharing your experience!

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Jasanna

Your father sounds like such a prepared man! I’m so glad to learn from you (and him!) about how to better prepare my family for the future, as well as how to be wise with my money. I can see the exact opposite example with the home I am living in. I am renting it from the executor of will, of the lady whom I used to take care of. They did not start a living trust, but had a will, and everything was in disarray. Her deceased husband’s name was still all over the bills, there were properties underwater, in other states, etc. It has been 2+ years since she passed, and still the process is not close to being over. It would have been so much easier on the family had she been better prepared.

Thank you so very much for posting this experience. I’m 37 and almost died once from a brain issue, with 5 teen and grown sons, and I have been playing around with my funeral plans for some time with no true focus. This post has helped give me a little more direction and motivation to finish the plans that I have started. Thank you!

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Eric

Even though there were arrangements in place, handling an estate can take many hours of one’s time and it can be a year or more before all is taken care of…especially if one’s parent was a business owner! It’s been over a year and I’m still not done closing things up. The more that can be arranged ahead of time the better!

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betsy

Your dad sounds like the kind of person who took pleasure from knowing his affairs were in order, and that you would be there to take care of things. I’m sure it was comforting to him to have these arrangements made. Some children don’t want to hear about these things, since it feels like somehow they’re after their parents’ money, but as a parent thinking about how to do this, I like knowing I’ve had these conversations with my adult children. Even if they don’t want to hear about it! Don’t push your folks off when they want to talk about these things, people! If your parents bring them up, consider yourself lucky.

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Eric

I wholeheartedly agree. I also lost my dad just over a year ago. He hadn’t been quite so thorough as your father, however, he did make sure there were resources for me to transition through his death and the settling of his estate. Wow, have I learned some great lessons to prepare for my kids future after I am gone! Thanks for a great article about a subject no one really wants to talk about until it’s too late!

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Erin

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my own father a few years ago, and “brutal” is the perfect way to describe it.

How wonderful, though, that he had the foresight to plan all of these things out in advance, and what a wonderful lesson to pass on to his family. Thanks for sharing your story 🙂

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Jason

This is one of the best things I’ve read in a while. Thank you for sharing it.

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A-L

I was just going to pass over this article because I just didn’t see the need (or have the interest) in reading about dealing with the financial realities of death. But boy, am I glad I did. This was really informative and inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

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honeybee

Wow. Your dad is a total inspiration. This is an amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing.

I wish my dad had left his affairs in order. In spite of 4 heart attacks/strokes, he left his affairs in shambles. Before he died he left everything to his new wife and cut me out of the will. Fine — she has to be the executor, and there’s probably nothing left, after many years of unemployment and other very poor financial decisions. More than two years on since his death, and she still has not reconciled his estate and affairs. I’m still pretty ticked off at dad for deferring thinking about the truth of life and shoving it on to the people he loved.

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Steve

Very sorry for your loss. It makes you think of your parents preparation and your own. This is really a wonderful tribute to your father who did everything he could to make things easier on you and your family.

This will truly help me as I deal with an elderly parent.
Thank you.

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ann allison

What a wonderful article. My husband recently passed away quite unexpectedly from a heart attach. We never made any plans in the event of one of our deaths. I cannot begin to express the confusion and stress on top of grieving that this has caused me and my children. He had a business and I didn’t even know how to access anything on his computer. I can go on and on but it’s important to learn to plan. I am currently getting long term care insurance, another very important thing for all of us to consider. No one knows when an unexpected tradegy will occur and it is mandatory to have things prepared so that our families will not suffer the unimaginable tragedy of dealing with finances and arrangements on top of our loss. Thank you for your article. Best Regards, Ann Allison

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CincyCat

I am so sorry for your loss, but your story was just wonderful. How great that your Dad did what he knew would make it easy on you and your family.

My grandmother wasn’t the “planner” that your dad was, but she, too, insisted that I meet her attorney, banker, etc. in person. She also added me as a POA to her checking account, and made me DGPOA over her finances.

As a result, during her final illness, it was easy for me to walk into the bank with her bills, greet the bank manager by name, have them cut the checks for me, then go straight to the post office & mail them (she didn’t “trust” online banking…).

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KatieC

Thank you so much for this story. I had the opposite experience recently–my father died in August, and my boyfriend’s father died last December. Neither had been nearly as organized as your father, and it is a very stressful, painful experience to be dealing with financial matters along with the grief of losing a parent. My father was supposed to be on Title 19 and simply stopped filing paperwork with the state–so we had to frantically comb through piles of unpaid bills and dirty laundry to find the right paperwork while Dad was in the hospital for the last time. We knew my boyfriend’s father had pre-paid for a funeral, but didn’t know where, so we spent an afternoon calling every funeral home in the yellow pages until we found the right one. As unsentimental and painful as it seems, planning for your death is one of the best things you can do for your loved ones!

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TJ

Thank you for sharing the story of your dad’s planning. My father also had a big notebook with much of the information needed after his death. When my mother died, we relied on that information and it helped greatly.

I was also on all of the bank accounts when my mother died. It did make it easier to pay the bills, however I ended up paying the taxes on her interest income and ultimately, as the executor, had a financial hit. Something to consider…

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Christopher J. Berry

As an estate planning attorney, we feel it’s very important that the family is involved to the extent the client will allow family involvement. Kudos to your dad.

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CindiCC

Best Reader Story yet!

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Liz278

Jody, thank you for this. It really hits home. My father is 96 (I am the daughter of a 2nd marriage and my mother is 25 years younger than he is), and I have been stressing constantly because I know each day could be the last. He grew up during the Depression and he is extremely good with money, whereas I picked up my mother’s splurge and worry about it later financial habits. Although he hasn’t shared all these aspects for me, I know he has arranged his funeral details and probably just about everything else. Your story has been very helpful.

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Alice

I am so sorry for your loss. The amount of planning that your Dad put into his estate is, without a doubt, amazing. But I think the thought he obviously put into helping you and your siblings avoid conflict is the most amazing piece.

My grandparents thought they were prepared, but their instructions were too vague, and in the end, they were too tired to do anything about it. I watched my mother’s siblings rip their family apart. The grief and frustration fueled ridiculous fights over the small estate. My dad (who hasn’t been a part of that family for decades) said something at time that certainly rang true, “10K won’t make you rich but it will make you a [fill in appropriate expletive].”

Good for him. Not only for getting his financials in order, but also for making sure that his family would still be intact after the dust settled.

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Kevin M

Very sorry for your loss, but as a “tax guy” I nodded along with this and found myself saying “good job, Jody’s Dad”. Death is such a hard thing for families to go through on its own. I’ve seen too many situations where the unclear financial/estate picture just made it worse.

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elaine

What a wonderful father you had. I am sorry for your loss but grateful for the legacy.

If there’s a way to be put in touch with Jody, I would appreciate it. I would like her permission to use part of her story to pass on to retirees at USC, where I am a volunteer on the Benefits and Resource Committee of the Emeriti Center. We’ve done a booklet (sort of a check list) on what to do when a loved one dies, and this set of ways in which we can help in advance would be invaluable. Thank you so much.

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babysteps

Great story, thanks for sharing and especially for organizing & sharing the details.

One bit of advice: word your “do you have a will” question very carefully – consider “when was your will executed” or “who witnessed your will” or some such.

Why? Well, when my mother died, I found out that even though my parents had created wills when my father retired (they basically read them over the phone to me, so that I knew what to expect), that they had not ever executed those wills so my mother did *not* have a will.

Dad has remarried a wonderful woman and they have both a pre-nup and updated, executed wills (basically whoever dies first, those assets can be used for the benefit of the surviving spouse and then pass to heirs at death of second person). So at least the lesson was learned!!

My mother’s parents were ultra-organized in their estate; of their 3 children, 1 was organized and the other 2 (including my mother) not at all. So the 1-in-3 ratio holds in this family as well!

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Cat

Jody – what an amazing story. Your Dad sounds ilke a fantastic guy – someone you could be very proud to call Dad.

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abby

I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing.
This is one of the very best articles on here and I need to go talk to my father and start setting stuff up for my son.
Thank you again.

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Patrick

I am really sorry for your loss, but am very grateful for you sharing some wonderful lessons.

If I can be half as good a dad to my daughter in guiding her through a challenging experience as grieving, I can consider it a job well done.

Thank you again for telling us your story, it was moving, brilliant and inspiring.

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Halina

Incredible story Jody. I lost my own father last year due to a fatal heart attack. Your Dad was an amazing man and certainly did his best to look after you. My sincerest condolences on your loss.

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Rail

Sorry for your loss, Jody.
My grandparents were also right on the spot with estate planning. They only had a house, two cars and household to leave to us but it still takes a large amount of time and effort to deal with. Thankfully they had 95% squared away for my mother and uncle and myself to take care of. My father on the other hand seems to think that he is Mathusala incarnate and will outlive everyone. 71 yrs old and no will, no funeral plans, hell I dont know zip about any of his financals. I think his wife has about given up on nagging him to do anything about plans for his death. As his only child I know that when the time comes handling his estate will be a nightmare. Living six hours away and having a job with no set days off will only make the job harder. This story from Jody has given me a renued spirit to kick my dads butt in gear. Maybe I can get him to read this and make him realise how much trouble he will cause his family if he dosent do something now. Thanks, Jody. You realy made me think.

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Chris

Jody, truly sorry for your loss.

We’re having a sit-down with all the adult kids and parents over Christmas weekend to talk about end-of-life wishes and estate planning, and this article is giving me plenty MORE to think about. Thank you so much for passing along what your father shared with you.

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Michael Ray

Jody,

I’ve been reading GRS for 2 or 3 years and I think this is the first time I’ve ever commented. Thank you for sharing your story. Your dad’s forethought and planning was so inspiring.

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Tonya

Wow! I never realized there was so much involved in settling an estate. What do you recommend for someone who has little to no estate? My parents own an old car and some personal possessions. My mom has maybe $10,000 in a 401k and $5,000 in a savings account. We live together in a house that is in my name. They’re both turning 70 and live on Mom’s retirement (appx $1300 a month) and Social Security. Any suggestions?

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Louise

Tonya,

your parents can update their beneficiary designation on their retirement accounts and do paperwork for their checking and savings account to make them TOD (transfer on death) or POD (payable on death) to someone. Then when they pass, the accounts will go to whoever they designated. They can also do a simple will to make their wishes clear as to how they want to dispose of their possessions. Do they want someone to have it? Do they want it sold with proceeds to charity? Check Nolo Press for DIY wills.

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Amy

When my father-in-law passed away earlier this year, he had prepared for everything, including several binders we would need for “after”. He had spoken with every family member about medical care, the family trust, even his funeral arrangements. Everyone knew what to do when that day came. The experience was in sharp contrast with a friend’s father who had passed away the week before, so young at 52 and without a single preparation. The family, already distraught at their unexpected and sudden loss, had surprise after surprise with expenses and fees and ran into money problems immediately. Both of these experiences made me and my sister have a frank discussion with our own father. He still does not have everything set up, but at the least, we know where he’d like to be buried, and he knows we are there for him when he’s ready to deal with this stuff.

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PawPrint

Thank you for a really thoughtful and useful story.

0My father prepaid for his cremation and urn (no funeral) while he was living in Seattle. I was thankful that his prepayment was transferable to funeral homes in other states because we moved him from Seattle to Oregon. The Oregon funeral home took care of the arrangements as stated in his contract with the Seattle funeral home and, since the expenses were less, refunded me some of the money. I used that to pay for an obituary in the Seattle newspaper (expensive!). So if you or your relatives are going to prepay funeral expenses, be sure that the contract is transferable to a funeral home in another state.

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balancedB

Great story Jody. Could you explain what the fees were for? He seemed so organized and you still had legal fees up to $20,000 ? Kinda scary. Any other advice? i.e. …downsize, get rid of “stuff” ( which I’m attempting @ 55) sell the house, stocks etc.etc.?

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Val

Wow, that was one of the most useful articles ever.
What a gift your dad gave you!
I have posted on Facebook and forwarded to many. I thought we were organized for our kids, but realize how much we are missing. Good goals for 2012 .
Thanks for sharing.

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Kate

This is a wonderful story that can teach us all something! This reminds me of my father, who had to settle his father’s estate. I always thought it was interesting that he was “paid” to do it but it is an extraordinary amount of work. So sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing. I will be bookmarking this article!

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mary w

Jodi – Sorry for your loss. I had to laugh at your dad’s “Fidelity lady” since I have “a nice young man at Fidelity”.

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Melissa

Wow, this is one of the most helpful reader stories ever. Thank you so much for sharing. Your father sounds like a wonderful person who really loved you.

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Zeynep

This story is amazing. My dad has been keeping me in touch with his “people” and I have been resenting it since it is embarrassing, but now I appreciate what he is trying to do. I had NO IDEA that it was so expensive to handle estate planning, etc. This story is a fantastic reminder for me to start paying more attention and talk to my father about his estate.

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Jan in MN

Thank you, Jody, for sharing this. What a wonderful tribute, and your dad sounds like he cared a lot and thought a lot about others.

My dad died in November, and I too would trade just about anything for 10 more minutes with him… family, friends and love is all that mattered in the end.

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Andrea

I am sorry for your loss.Your dad’s thought and organization is a testament to his life. My mom died exactly 2 years ago today. About 5 years before her death -because of another death in the family-, we asked my mom if we could look at her finances/legal papers/ etc. And it is good she said yes and that we did. She thought she had all her “paperwork” together in a small drawer. She actually had no idea of her finances, her will was badly done(relatives are not always the best way to go for legal matters) and I found 50+ plastic shopping bags stuffed with financial statements going back years- perhaps to my dad’s death 20 years earlier. So started the process of organizing/contacting financialand insurance companies(time consuming is an understatement), getting a new lawyer(luckily, we found a very good eldercare attorney) and getting signature and on-line access to our mom’s accounts(not to get money- but to keep track and be sure someone else wasn’t getting her money). 2 years into this process, my mom got ill and never got better. Having most everything done by that time, made things easier(not easy)- so that I could pay her bills and keep track of everything. The house is finally sold(took over a year) but we are still dealing with the state in which she lived. Hopefully, that will be resolved by the start of 2012.

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Monica

I’m very sorry for your loss, but this is an amazing story. Your dad did you an enormous favor by being so proactive. My parents and I have been meaning to have a sit down to talk about all these things (we refer to it as a “will-writing party” because I need to update mine as well) but haven’t done it yet. I think I’ll send them this post to get the conversation going.

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Spokane Al

Wow, I am so sorry for you loss. I do thank you for telling your story. I learned some things and it also brought a lump to my throat.

Thanks again.

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Joan

Jody,
Thanks for sharing. I set up a similar set of files just-in-case and left my brother in charge of everything for my underage kids. I haven’t thought about it in years. I have to update it now that the economy has changed so drastically and my kids are of legal age–barely. As you pointed out, you have to update it as the years go by and make sure the person in charge knows where everything is and who to contact.

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Sandra

Reading this love story brought tears to my eyes. My parents have been open about the type of estate transfer planning they are doing over the years. My brother is the executor of the will (lives closer and majored in finance so has the aptitude) so I bet that he has more information that I do but I am going to forward the article anyway. A couple of things that my parents mentioned doing.
1. Frank discussions of what to do with the “stuff”
2. Getting rid of “stuff” that is not used now and will not be something heirs will want. Mom is giving it to people who will value it now and making it so her kids don’t have to figure out who those people are.
3. Converting some regular IRAs to Roth IRAs. This will provide additional flexibility for fund distribution.

I will also be showing my husband this article and making sure that we have many of these items in place for our estate also. You never know what the future holds.

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Alex

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story. I am sorry for your loss and your father sounds like a great role model.

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Amy

What a wonderful tribute to your Dad. I’m glad I got to read this and that you found a place where this aspect of your Dad could be appreciated by so many people.

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Tall Bill

Great story Jody! Sorry for your loss. Good reminder to get my house in order for the day my kids need to deal with me…

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Nicholas

Jody,

This is a wonderful story. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful man your father was and how brilliantly he made all the appropriate plans for you. I shall treasure your story – thank you for sharing. You have inspired me to do more work on my own affairs and continue to help my clients to do the same. Thank you.

Nicholas

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Suzanne

Jody,

Thank you for sharing this story.
I know from experience that your father’s planning was a very big gift to you.

I wish you peace and happy memories.

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Wendy

This is an amazing story, Jody! Your dad was a very special man.

My sympathy for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience.

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Heather

In sharing this story (which I have shared on fb) your dad is impacting a lot of lives. Thank you for sharing the information from this difficult time to help the rest of us think through it.

May your holidays have genuine laughter and moments of contented peace.

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Brent

Thanks Jody, your Dad was a wise man with you from a young age and until and even after his passing. Sorry for your loss.

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Karla

I think it was here that I was introduced to the Big Book of Everything? It’s for those of us who aren’t quite with it.

Karla, just took a look at this site – thanks very much for passing it along!

Jody, my condolences for your loss. I know everyone else has said it already, but your Dad sounds like the greatest. Thanks for an excellent article; I’m also printing it out to use (along with Karla’s link) to start on putting financial affairs in order (although I expect and certainly hope it’ll still be many decades before it’s needed!).

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Diana

Wow… I will just say I am so happy for the life (memories/lessons) he gave to you. I am sure everyone can use this as a guideline. Thanks for sharing.

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krantcents

My mother lived to just shy of 99 years old. When she went into assisted living, they required her to take care of certain things. One of which was the funeral arrangements. I am so glad that was done. When someone passes on, you do not want to make those decisions. Your Dad did a great job for you.

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elena

Agreed. One of the best stories ever. I appreciated many of the details you included here– especially the costs and time related to wrapping up an estate.
I am wary of my parents situation, worried I won’t be able to find information I need when I need it. I’m going to copy this and maybe it will help me formulate questions, suggestions to ease the process. Thanks again.

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Adam P

Great story for us readers; although I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Lots of lessons to be learned here from us who are being chosen executors by our parents (like me) and those people who are retiring soon.

One thing I wanted to point out as interesting is that your brothers are financially “messes” despite the the lessons your father taught you in your childhood and beyond.

An interesting point that people, no? My parents taught bad lessons and my brother and sister are both financial messes too but I turned out well financially in terms of savings and being a tax professional/chartered accountant. That’s the same ratio as your family.

The only other issue I wanted to bring up is that while it’s cool to want your kids to earn money, a 12 or 13 year old has no business working in a restaurant kitchen. That is a violation of a lot of labour laws and as someone who spent time on Workman’s Comp when I was burned by another 16 year old kid at Wendy’s very badly, I think that’s not a good thing. Babysitting or raking leaves at 12-13 okay. Chinese kitchen with a rice cooker, no.

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Debbie E.

I’m thinking that the chinese restaurant work happened a long time ago when the rules were’t as stringent. Don’t let the little things take away from the purpose of the story itself.

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Jane

I am thinking—I don’t even know my bankers names since I bank on line. Fidelity person- on line as well. Lawyer- never used one. Well, we did draft a simple will years ago with the military.
My kids are in trouble.
Do I need to start setting up with these types of people in order to make our transition into death easier for them?
Should we go ahead and put our son on our accounts now. He is already on the cars and boat. What about the property? Bank accounts- never thought of that (although we do tell them what we have and where it is).
As the first wave of a very mobile society—I wonder if I am the only 50+ person wondering these things? I could use some input on these issues.

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Shannon

This is the best reader story in months. Thanks for sharing.

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APB News

I know most of my older friends have got a burial plot set aside, but this level of estate planning goes way beyond the basics. It really makes me think about how I want to set things up for my child. What a relief to not have to get a crash course in settling an estate but have everything so well planned. It really was a great gift your father gave you.

Daisy

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Darcy

I read your story with tears in my eyes. My father died months ago. He left plenty of money to deal with expenses, but the trick was finding it and accessing it. Along those lines, I have two additional words of advice. First, make sure that someone knows what accounts you have and the passwords to access them online. Think about how many things you access online with a password (credit cards, frequent flyer accounts, email accounts, etc) and make sure someone knows what that passwords are or where to find them. Also, if you are terminally ill and living with a significant other, consider getting married before you die. There were a fair number of things that were easily transferred to my stepmother’s name as surviving spouse that would have gone into the general estate otherwise. For example, my stepmother was able to go into the DMV and get Dad’s car transferred into her name just the title copies of the death certificate and her marriage license.

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Bob

Sorry for your loss. My dad did the same thing with me and it made a very difficult time much easier.I’ll be sure to do the same with my kids.

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Debra

I’m not normally a person to comment, but your story was wonderful! My mother handled my father’s unexpected death a few years ago. Her background in banking was so essential, and the whole process was unbelievable. Hopefully others see that talking about this early and often is not morbid, but thoughtful and caring. Thanks for sharing this with us.

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Dogs or Dollars

Wow, what a great story, and a good reminder to us all. Your Dad sounds like an awesome guy.

My family has has always had the practice of keeping each other on our bank accounts. My mom is my Grandma’s accounts, I’m on my Mom’s. I think I’ve been on my moms accounts since I was 18. Its a good ‘just in case’ also makes it easy to exchange money for incidentals. If I buy something as a favor for Mom, she tells me to just transfer it from her account. No checks, no cash, no mail.

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Mike Piper

A related lesson: If you’re over 50, please don’t wait to get a colonoscopy.

My mom waited until age 53 to get one because she knew that aside from her age, she had none of the risk factors for colon cancer. It turns out, she had it. And it was stage 4 as well (the most advanced stage, meaning it has spread to other organs).

Two years, three major surgeries, and twenty-five chemo treatments later, we’re still waiting to see how Mom’s story turns out. But this whole thing would have been avoided if she’d gotten her colonoscopy at 50.

I’m very sorry for your loss, Jody.

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Diane

Oh crap! I’ve been ignoring a message on my phone regarding scheduling a colonoscopy. I’m 53 and feeling pretty smug about my dietary and health choices. Your comment is a huge wake-up call. I’ll listen to the message and make an appointment on Monday. Thanks for the swift kick I needed.

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Mike Piper

Thank you! (I know that probably sounds weird, but it always makes me happy to hear that somebody is taking the steps to avoid going through what our family has.)

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SLCCOM

Mike, you and any siblings need to sign up for one ASAP, too!

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Mike Piper

Indeed. I had one already. Still working on one sibling though…

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Esme

I second (third?) this comment. My mother died of colon cancer at 66 after 2 years of hell. My siblings and I all got colonoscopies the next year- I was 35. My brother-in-law fought and won a battle with colon cancer when he was 36, and gets a scope done every year now. You cannot be too careful.

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VJ

I echo the sentiments of not waiting to get a colonoscopy. My father discovered he had stage 4 colon cancer two and a half years ago, and I am thankful he is still with us, although it’s been a rough journey for him, especially now as he must continue chemo treatments every two weeks for as long as he lives, and the chemo is as awful as the cancer. He and my mother used this as an opportunity to get all of their affairs in order as well, down to planning their funerals and writing their obituaries, and I and my siblings are very grateful for this. My father’s oncologist recommended that his children start getting colonoscopies at 40, which we have done. Thank you for sharing your story, Jody.

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Monevator

Jody’s heartening story from very sad roots seems to have inspired a second gift in this thread on colonoscopies.

I was saddened to read of Jody’s father being diagnosed so soon after retiring. We went through the same thing with my father. Just horrible timing, after so long doing the right thing.

Jody, sorry for your loss and thanks for turning it into a gift!

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Angela

This is just beyond wonderful. What a lovely testament to a good man. My grandmother passed away recently, but she had no real money or assets to leave behind, so the process was relatively simple. However, it was amazing how quickly the miscellaneous expenses added up!

I hope to be the kind of person whose financial life requires my own binder and “team” when I die. And I hope my daughters take care of that information as well as you.

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Maximus Aurelius

What a truly amazing act.

I can guarantee you that all your Dad’s “key people” were just as blown away as everyone here – he set the template for how to pass with the utmost dignity and foresight for his loved ones – and you can bet they were taking notes and learning from him, and will speak of him in hushed tones and with pride to others for the rest of their careers.

Thanks for sharing.

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Emily Guy Birken

What an incredible story. I’m so sorry that you lost your dad. He sounds like a wonderful man and a great father. Thank you for sharing with us how he made a loving gift of planning to you and your brothers. I’m going to forward this story along to my Dad (a financial planner) for him to share with his clients. May we all be able to leave such a loving legacy to our families.

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Chloé

This is definitely one of the most amazing story I’ve read for a long time. What a fabulous gift your dad left you. I’m sorry you had to go through this loss, but so thankful for the lessons you shared with us all.

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Elizabeth

I’m sorry for your loss, but applaud you and for father for dealing with estate planning with such thought and foresight. Thank you for sharing your story! My parents have also taken the time to introduce me to the people they deal with. I didn’t realize until now how valuable that is.

Because I don’t have a spouse, I’ve also made sure my next of kin (currently my parents) know which companies I deal with and where my money and insurance are. I’m lucky that I have a family where we have good relationships and mutual trust. I don’t imagine this would work for everyone, sadly.

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Carlos Molina

Sorry for your loss. I am preparing for this myself. This post is very heplful for that matters.Inspirational. Thanks

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Wendy

Thankyou for posting this story and I am sorry for your loss. Your Dad sounds like a truly caring, considerate and kind man. I lost my Dad at the end of August, so I understand how hard it can be talking about these things. I am fortunate as, like you, my Dad was a planner and had everything set up in such a way that it was ‘easy’ for us to execute his estate, even though his death was unexpected (although even my Dad could not have foreseen the horrors of inheritance tax at 55%). You are absolutely right that after the loss of a loved one you are in no position emotionally to start worrying about paperwork, and I would urge anyone to discuss these things with the executor of their will whilst they are still alive.

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Nick

My mother passed away last November. She and your dad were cut of the same cloth. Like you, I was solidly engrained in my mother’s estate planning and my name was added to every account, introduced to every person from bankers to funeral directors. In all but one instance (which I will mention in a moment,) Mom thought of how to make everything easier for me when she died.

Mom died November 1, 2010. By March 31st 2011, everything was done: financial accounts settled, property cleaned out and house sold. What could have been a process that took years took only a few months thanks to her planning.

Oh, that one account that’s left: Mom forgot to do anything with one account where there is still about $3K. The amount of paperwork that is necessary to complete that transaction is horrifying. I’ll eventually get through it all, but it is no walk in the park.

Lesson learned: From the will to the bank accounts to the revocable living trust — get your papers in order and let your loved ones know where it is.

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Mary+Kate

Wow! Thank you for sharing such a great story. I am going to print this post and use it as a guideline.

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Claire

Me too. Actually, after reading this, it scares me a little that even though I know my dad has made some preparations, I know very little about them. I think it’s time for a talk…

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