Frankly, I think cats are a spoiled, ungrateful lot. They never slobber or bark or jump on their masters trying to show love like Hooch does. (“Hooch” is the nickname of my cute little lady dog, although on the records of the AKC her official name is “Sophie”)

I admit cats have better breath, and their personal hygiene is far superior. However, since the woman I adore prefers cats, I have put up with them in the interest of domestic tranquility.

Things have worked pretty well at our house because even though Hooch lives in the garage, she gets to go almost everywhere I go (in the back of the truck). Meanwhile, the spoiled cats have their own furnished, heated bedroom in the house, and wouldn’t be caught dead running back and forth in the back of a pick-up.

I didn’t think Hooch minded the obvious discrimination of having to sleep in the garage because I have given her little perks like… well, I bought her a laptop and taught her to use it so she won’t get bored or lonely out there alone. When she needs something, she shoots me an e-mail. Hooch is the smartest dog in town.

The other day, Hoochy-dog showed me something she got off the internet, and begged me for hours to give it a try. She rolled her big brown eyes and panted the way women do when they really want something.

It seemed harmless enough to me, so we crept into the house together when Marcia was not home and carefully observed each of the following directions.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8th cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to sit on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet-the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three to four times. This provides a “power-wash and rinse”.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people (or dogs) between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

As you can see, the end result got mixed reviews.

The Cat was not yet dry when Marcia arrived home, and she was NOT amused. Long story short… I am now sleeping in the garage with Hooch.

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