This is my first post but I have been lurking for awhile now (thank you). If you have the fortitude please read my profile, It was so cathartic to get to all out there, describing all of the twists and turns and how it nearly cost me my life; but warning it's a long novel!

Suspicious about an affair I finally confronted the scumbag and got the usual; just friends, it's not like that, etc UNTIL I made him meet me at the polygraph examiners office, but not before he tried to 'confess' the morning of! Uh, No thank you... just meet me there!

Wow, be careful what you wish for. It was when WS was told "If you have anything you need to get off your chest before we begin I suggest you do it now or it will effect the results greatly" and heard through the dull roar in my ears that he had an ONS 25 years earlier (only 6 short weeks after our wedding day when he looked at me with tears in his eyes and muttered those words "to forsake others". OMG

I went NUMB! Here we are to confirm a 7 month LOVE affair with his Whore and now I find out my entire marriage was built on a foundation of lies and deceit? I don't know how to process this. Which is worse? Is there such a thing as worse? My WS saying but it was JUST a ons... It was a lifetime ago, I'm not that guy! (Oh really? Then who is the guy that's NOW in LOVE with another woman?) and what's up with the JUST?

He has said that he was a changed man, vowed never was going to make that 'mistake' again and that he intended to go to his grave with the secret.

This has compounded the fear, pain and feelings of being "lost" that I have felt since this last dday... My life is not mine, I feel as though I am being controlled by an evil twisted puppeteer and can't find my own feet! I find myself comparing, re-writing what should have, could have been if I had known, thinking surely the most recent was the worst, then but how painful that the 1st one was basically during our honeymoon phase... So conflicted, so hurt.

BUT, I will forever be an advocate for polygraph examinations! The only thing that in my WS case that would ever have brought it out...

BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California

emotionalgirl♀ 40184Member # 40184

Posted: 4:03 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013

Beyondbelief....I read your profile. It had me in tears. My heart and sole ache for you. I have no advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are heard and send (((hugs)))

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I don’t have any advice either, other than please rest and take care of yourself.

(((((beyondbelief13)))))

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast

heartache101♀ 26465Member # 26465

Posted: 4:25 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013

(((beyond)))
Honey I read your profile and all I can say you are a strong soul! You my dear are important.
And have you filed for disability? You need to.
Atleast you will have an income separate of his.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3206 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana

Raven96♀ 40298Member # 40298

Posted: 4:40 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013

(((((beyondbelief13)))))

I agree with Heartache 101. Apply for disability. Also, research in-home care...maybe you would qualify for something there.

My heart hurts for you. I have no words. I am so, so sorry. With everything you have been through, you have to know how strong and resilient you are.

Please keep posting and venting here as much as you need to. We are all here to listen.

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013

kickboxer♀ 39858Member # 39858

Posted: 4:43 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pain.

I've been married for (almost) 13 years, and part of my husband's confession included a ONS from very early in our marriage.

I understand the devastation you're dealing with right now. Everything feels like a lie.

It's been 15 weeks since my world crashed. I don't have a lot of experience and still feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water sometimes.

I will say that those early days were very difficult. I needed reminders to eat and drink, and I needed help with medication to sleep. If you're feeling this way, please know you aren't alone. It got better after a month or so, but there are still moments when I realize the magnitude of his disloyalty, and my heart breaks again.

I read your profile and I am so sorry for the incredible amount of pain you are enduring. I was married a similar amount of time and now know, he too was unfaithful from the beginning. What a hard pill to swallow especially after more than two decades.

And can I say, your WS throwing God's will into this sickens me? My XWS has done the same thing. It's an abomination.

I've only been here a few days and though I'm further along in my journey, it's been very nurturing and helpful. Hope you find it to be the same.

Apply for disability. Heal heal heal.
You are so worth it and so are your children.
Moving forward with grace and integrity speaks volumes for true self worth and value you truly posess.
The betrayal may have hid that worth under the cloth of pain but let it shine once more.
Baby you are back.

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 636 | Registered: Jul 2012

beyondbelief13♀ 41080Member # 41080

Posted: 6:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013

Thank you all so much for your comfort and kindness... I sit weeping inconsolably while reading your posts, knowing that it is the only time I have felt validated and understood; tears of relief replacing the hot stinging tears of sorrow.

[And have you filed for disability? You need to.
At least you will have an income separate of his]

Yes, I have started the paperwork and have my fingers crossed. I have heard that it takes 18-24 months though The fact that I am so dependent right now is keeping me in this dark place and I just can't seem to shake it. My IC has been a joke so I am looking for someone new; more time, grr.

[Here is a link someone shared with me that I found really inspiring when I am feeling down on myself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU ]

Wow, what an uplifting story (too bad her name and my ws ap's are the same. I can never again receive a big bouquet of those or hear that old adage about 'smell the r*ses', damned him, it used to be my favorite flower) Her attitude about obstacles and opportunities are something I hope to aspire to some day soon!

Making Lemonade: I hear you about the whole 'blasphemy' thing. It truly sickens me and is the #1 thing that makes me think I could never be with a man capable of that. I have alot of stories about their 'mission' and will post seperately.

For all who have taken the time to read my story, Thank you from the bottom of my shattered heart. I am Proud to be among a group of people who are so willing to pour out their hearts and soul to help one another.

BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California

Hope2B♀ 40474Member # 40474

Posted: 2:35 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

Beyondbelief13, I am so sorry to read of all the crap you've experienced from your WH, and am especially sad with all the health challenges you continue to face!

In CA, if I'm not mistaken, just about everyone who applies for disability the first time is automatically refused. This is normal for the process, so if you are initially denied disability, you will have to appeal the decision.

I really hate that your WS is so lame that he needs to invoke God, and that God has called him to be unfaithful, etc. WS is just grasping at straws with reasons and excuses that will be inarguable! Of course (insert wicked grin here, just for effect), you could come up with a few things God told you to do, too!

Take special care of yourself. Hopefully, things will get better, and your health will improve to the best possible.

Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth/DDays: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
He had a 7 year LTA with a prostitute whom he thought was his special friend

Posts: 392 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.

LAFA♂ 31868Member # 31868

Posted: 3:00 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

BB13, you have been through absolute hell. Sadly your voyage on that path has a long way to go. You and your daughters are showing phenomenal strength. So glad that you have found SI. You will find wonderful folks here, coming to you with wisdom, love, and support. Thoughts and prayers for peace for you.

When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii

Scientist♂ 40910Member # 40910

Posted: 6:01 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

By their nature, WSs are cruel and deceitful, but yours seems to have won the Olympic Gold Medal for it. I am so sorry you are here, and wish you strength. Anyone who can claim to be doing this for God, while telling you that you are unlovable is sick beyond redemption. Don't believe it for a moment - he is obviously deranged.

Bb13...I just read your profile and my heart goes out to you. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel, but I guess all they care about is themselves.

Sending you prayers and strength.....keep posting...you have friends here

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012

homewrecked2011♀ 34678Member # 34678

Posted: 8:12 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

What saved my life was the book by Dr. James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough. And he means tough love, DO NOT CUT THEM ANY SLACK.!!! It is an easy read, the pages are broken up because the author knows we cannot focus on lots of words on pages at this point. I got this from the library. PLEASE get this book TODAY. He says the line of respect has been crossed over and over by the WS! And it stops NOW! He bases everything biblically....I could not put the book down. and I took NO MORE CRAP from my WS from that point on because Dr. Dobson is so encouraging.

We have similar stories, XWH also brought OW into our family. SICK beyond SICK. THey were having sex in my house everytime I went to work. What does hurt the most are the times she came over to see me (as they tricked me into thinking she was my friend), but she was really here to spend time with him....

Please see an atty ASAP regarding what you would get in a legal separation.

During my legal separation, he had to pay the house, my and kids health insurance, and child support, I qualified for 535.00/mo SNAP (card you get for food stamps). You may be able to kick him out while you recover and decide what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, get a different IC, I got a free one at the domestic violence center - as this is domestic violence.

I also called Charter -- a treatment center and got into a 2 week outpatient program.Seeing the 12,000 text messages put me over the edge... guess what? Several of the women in my outpatient therapy group were women whom their husbands had cheated on them!!!! OMG! We are all very nice people involved with the WS and it is too much for a "normal" person to have to deal with!!!!

Your children deserve to grow up with YOU. Stay in the day, and post often. We are here to help you thru this, as so many helped us in the early days.

Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2461 | Registered: Jan 2012

womaninflux♀ 39667Member # 39667

Posted: 8:17 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

You are an incredibly strong person. Do not count yourself out. First, the human brain is an amazing thing - full of ability to rewire itself and heal. And your soul has the ability to heal if allowed the opportunity. I know you are feeling low right now and still probably in some degree of shock over the whole situation. Be patient with yourself. You do not need to make any decisions about your future with your husband right this minute. Allow him to help you get physically stronger.

I have a similar story to yours in that my H was leading a secret life for almost 3 years with a female colleague. I, too, made all sorts of excuses during that time and during the years leading up to that period for why our marriage wasn't living up to my expectations. I totally understand how robbed you feel. I had the same reaction as you did: Why wasn't I offered the opportunity to decide for myself what I wanted? Why does everyone else benefit from this except me? Why am I the only person feeling hurt from this and no one else has to suffer?

All I can say is that he has a good chance of coming out of the fog now that he realizes what is at stake. My kids are too young to understand what exactly is going on but it sounds like your son knows and I am sure his opinion of his father has got to be like a knife to your H's heart.

What I have learned from this experience is that the two people in the affair were completely selfish. They weren't thinking about anyone's feelings except their own. They weren't thinking about what happens next or consequences.He probably told the woman that the two of you were living like roommate and it was easier for her to go along with it than think about why he might be lying to her. Why would he lie to her? Um, here's a hint, OW…you are dating a married man.

My H told his girlfriend he'd move in with her and that they would have kids together. Honestly, I think people in these situations will say anything that sounds good at the time or that they think the other person wants to hear. They aren't operating from a realm of reality. They don't have the day to day hardships of real life/real relationships to contend with so of course what is happening between the two of them seems all the better.

One last thing…I would take some time when you are able to investigate what if any relationship to porn your H has. It was something that was a precursor to my H's physical affair, for sure. If you want to heal your marriage - even if that is not the case and you just want to heal yourself - it's something that needs to be addressed.

I read your profile and I have to say my heart breaks for you. You are truly in a special hell.

I can't imagine how you are dealing with his hypocrisy. That the two of them can paint themselves as devoted Christians while basically wiping their feet on you every day is just beyond belief. And it show the extent of their depravity. It must kill you to see him partake in his ministry.

I am curious about something. You said she didn't offer to take him in and he had no where to go. If they're such soul mates, why wouldn't she welcome him in? Do you think it's because it would out them both?

You are in my prayers. I know what it is to have your world implode and I just can't imagine facing that with the medical issues you have.

Posts: 443 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois

BAB61♀ 41181Member # 41181

Posted: 12:09 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

I have not yet read your profile, but I will. I am not an expert, but to invoke God as his authority in dishonoring his marriage vows is the most heinous sort of blasphemy. I told our Pastor, I have a right to tell whom I see fit .. and I know that no honest, God serving person would condone what he has done. I agree with the message to heal yourself (not yet knowing all the details), that is still paramount. Take care of yourself! Oh hayl, just finished reading your profile. IMHO you should have him home to take care of your dd, and to attend to you as needed, but the trust?? How a supposed man of God could be so, so ... words will not come ... is beyond my comprehension, and yours I'm sure. Know that through this God does love you although it would seem not to be true ... He had nothing to do with WH and OW's choices .. they were selfish, cruel, greedy, thoughtless and just plain WRONG. Get a good lawyer ... and find out what you can reasonably expect to get from a D. I am so hurting for you .. I can feel your pain ... praying for you and for your family.

Beyond belief
Many, many hugs to you. It is very difficult to find all if this out.
I do think knowing brings some relief in answering the WHYs of your feelings during that time.
Please take care if yourself now.
From reading your profile you are very strong and brave
Take care

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013

headdesk♀ 40787Member # 40787

Posted: 3:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013

Read your profile. Huge huge hugs. Trying to deal with chronic illnesses on top of all this is indescribable. The stress certainly stirs them all up to very scary and dangerous levels.

So sorry you're going through all this. Know you are a strong and remarkable woman. Look after you.