Zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom

After I emailed to set up a Zoom call with a friend, we both got the theme to the PBS Kid’s show stuck in our heads (the one from the 70’s not the reboot). That theme is a helluva earworm* as songs go. With it going round and round in my brain off and on for the last two weeks, plus literally having to tell people, “Sorry, I’ve already got three Zoom meetings that day,” I’ve become in danger of expanding the English language in ways that might elicit an eye roll from any decent lexicographer. Here’s hoping Suzy Dent is kind to me on Twitter.

Social ZoomstancingWhen you choose not to turn your camera on so other people can see you in the call. You’re keeping people at bay possibly because you’re multi-tasking and don’t want to appear rude, your messy living room has last night’s dirty dishes in the background, you don’t want people knowing you haven’t showered, or you’re marginally creeped out by several hundred strangers coming over.

ZoomemyAs in frienemy, your rival who not so secretly resents and envies your successes, and to whom you now have to be nice in front of everyone else in the Brady Bunch / Hollywood Sqares version of the new normal. There is no escape other than complete, off the grid isolation in which your Zoomemy will gain the upper hand and shut you out of all the cool Zoom social hours and professional opportunities.

ZoomologyThe study of how humans behave in the two-dimensional captivity of Brady Bunch squares.

ZoomologistOne who studies Zoomology (See Zoomology). Most challenging for the Zoomologist is that in order to study Zoomology, the Zoomologist must remain in the same captivity. (Mind blowing, isn’t it? Even Schroedinger’s mind would be blown by this.)

ZoomerciseOnline yoga, martial arts, and fitness classes obviously, but sadly this now includes people who don’t know they should not be exercising while on a non fitness class Zoom call.Example: a Zoom high school reunion in which everyone was participating in a social hour but one participant spent the entire time flinging sweat off her face and chest while apparently training for the In Place Tour de France on her stationary exercise bike. (This was actually my own Zoom high school reunion, which I blew off but heard all about. Who the hell does that?!?” One of our classmates, apparently. And back then they thought I was ‘weird.’)

ZoomulousLooking absolutely fabulous from the waist up on Zoom via the right camera angle, the right lights, possibly makeup appropriate for video work, and a check mark in that little “improve appearance” box in Zoom’s preference settings. (It’s there. I’ll hold on while you find it.)Used in a sentence: “Daaahhhling, you look aaabsolutely zoooooomulous!”

ZoomforsuccessA spin off of the best selling “Dress for Success” book of the 1980’s but when one only looks professional from the waist up.Example: a dapper sport coat over a crisp, white dress shirt tucked into sweatpants with bare feet. (Not that I’ve caught anyone in my house doing that or anything.)

ZoomanoidA branch of Homo sapiens unaware that others can see and hear everything happening on the Zoomanoid’s end if this person has not muted him/herself on Zoom when not actually meaning to speak.Example: In the middle of a meeting someone’s spouse walks in yelling “How long is this going to take?” and the Zoomanoid looks over the laptop and replies, “I don’t know she’s just starting to talk,” and everyone on the call can hear.Exceptions:Adorable small children and fur kids who show up and announce themselves completely unexpectedly. (We totally get it. It happens. It’s ok.) (See Zoomeruption)

ZoomannoyedThe reaction hosts and others experience when on a call with a Zoomanoid (See Zoomanoid)

ZoomeruptionWhen small children and fur kids show up and announce themselves completely unexpectedly, throwing off everything from your persuasive and compelling argument or heartfelt expression. In addition to an unexpected happy pet moment, this can lead to understanding and empathy on a world scale and may provide footage for the Next Normal’s world inclusive version of America’s Funniest Videos.Example: A legal powerhouse giving her presentation before a panel of experts is interrupted by her two year old son and asks, “Did daddy say you could come in here?”Child: “No”Legal Eagle Mom: “Did you ask him?”“Child: “No”Legal Eagle Mom: “Why not?”Child: “Because you’re in charge.”Even a top notch lawyer knows not to argue with logic like that.

ZoomangledHow the human face can look when you’re using a laptop or iPad at a normal angle for typing and looking at the screen, but the camera captures the distorted up-your-nose, double chin view that is never flattering.

ZoomanityThe wonderful, connected, and empathetic “Wow, it’s not just me,” feeling of humanity all trapped in the same unthinkable circumstances of a pandemic. Not to be confused with Zumanity, Cirque du Soleil’s adult, extra colorful, and quite naughty, permanent show in Las Vegas. (I’ve heard it’s awesome.)

ZoomatigueOften experienced by those who use online classes and meetings as a way to mitigate increasingly painful isolation and loneliness. Frequently caused by micromanaging bosses who can’t believe their suddenly-working-from-home subordinates are actually getting anything done without said bosses looking over their shoulders.Note: Scientists are documenting a very real fatigue that sets in from too many long Zoom calls and the unnatural focus required that taxes our brains.

ZoomerloadWhen you realize you haven’t eaten lunch or taken a bathroom break because you’ve been in Zoom calls all day. (See Zoomatigue)

Zoomaphobia

Fear of your computer suddenly falling victim to a viral pandemic because somebody at Zoom didn’t make sure the code had thoroughly washed its hands sufficiently to keep your hardware and your data safe.

Fear of looking like a technically challenged dork on Zoom because before mid-March, 2020, you had avoided anything but FaceTime with family who patiently puts up with your lack of techno-know-how, know what you really look like, and are used to your being a lovable dork.

ZoomopolyThe even greater hold tech companies are about to have on us for the foreseeable future because suddenly everything we used to do in person we now do on Zoom or a similar platform.

ZoomavertA person who can’t stop monopolizing the conversation on a Zoom call of 5 or more people even though s/he is neither the host nor the teacher.

ZoomapologyThe “Thanks so much for doing this! Gotta run,” text one enters in the Zoom chat when one is bored, tired (see Zoomatigue), or feels they signed up for the wrong online class or doesn’t know anyone else at the party.

ZoompsyWhen you’ve drunk too much wine with friends on Zoom.

ZoomaphageThe amount of time multiple Zoom calls can eat out of your day.

Thank you to Zoom for existing! Without it, we’d be even more isolated.

Feel free to add these words and definitions to your vocabulary, but please give credit or link back to this post. Remember you heard it hear first, and well, if it leads to a paying writing gig, I’d be beyond thrilled and able to pay for my family’s toilet paper.

There may be more. Stay Tuned.

*The Earworm Cure: Hum at least three quarters of the TV theme to “I Dream of Jeanie.” It will erase whatever song is going around and around in your head but, for some unknown reason, does not stick itself. It’s like cooking spray for your brain. My husband and I swear by it. Try it. Let me know.

Praise for Giving Voice: “Remarkable Work”

I love Giving Voice. This remarkable, inspiring and unique book is a magical journey unlike any other and is beautifully done. Rich colors and patterns metamorphise into stunnning images created by reknown artist Victoria Lansford. Her words dance and flow across the pages filled with insightful thoughts and expressions. The music is contemplative, sophistocated and lovely. I would highly recommend this book as a gift to others or for one’s self.

RogueJoan via Apple Books

Victoria lansford

2018-11-22T17:37:11-05:00

RogueJoan via Apple Books

I love Giving Voice. This remarkable, inspiring and unique book is a magical journey unlike any other and is beautifully done. Rich colors and patterns metamorphise into stunnning images created by reknown artist Victoria Lansford. Her words dance and flow across the pages filled with insightful thoughts and expressions. The music is contemplative, sophistocated and lovely. I would highly recommend this book as a gift to others or for one’s self.

https://victorialansford.com/testimonials/roguejoan/

Praise for Giving Voice: “Amazing”

Giving Voice is what ‘multimedia’ is supposed to be! Visual art, music, and spoken word brought together in a complementary manner. Whether you're checking out a few pages to get a quick pick-me-up of pen, ink, and piano, or parking yourself in one spot to lose yourself in the gestalt, or doing something in between, you’ll find something new inside to keep coming back to.

Anonymous via Apple Books

Victoria lansford

2018-11-22T17:41:05-05:00

Anonymous via Apple Books

Giving Voice is what ‘multimedia’ is supposed to be! Visual art, music, and spoken word brought together in a complementary manner. Whether you're checking out a few pages to get a quick pick-me-up of pen, ink, and piano, or parking yourself in one spot to lose yourself in the gestalt, or doing something in between, you’ll find something new inside to keep coming back to.

https://victorialansford.com/testimonials/amazing/

“Victoria is a true artist and shares her gift teaching with patience, passion, good humor, and enthusiasm…”

I just spent the most wonderful week-end with one of the best teachers that I have ever had the pleasure of learning from. Victoria is a true artist and shares her gift teaching with patience, passion, good humor, and enthusiasm...she has an infectious laugh, and you can't help laughing with her while she encourages you to achieve levels of skill that you didn't know you had. 11 other jewelry students and myself came into her workshop on Saturday having never picked up a hammer to do repousse ever before and all learned more from her in this one weekend than we thought possible. She spent time with each of us, pointing out better ways to solve whatever problems that we were having pushing the metal around to make it do our bidding. Victoria, I can't wait until you come back to us!

Patti D'Arbanville
Artist, Actress

Victoria lansford

2017-11-06T18:03:04-05:00

Patti D'Arbanville
Artist, Actress

I just spent the most wonderful week-end with one of the best teachers that I have ever had the pleasure of learning from. Victoria is a true artist and shares her gift teaching with patience, passion, good humor, and enthusiasm...she has an infectious laugh, and you can't help laughing with her while she encourages you to achieve levels of skill that you didn't know you had. 11 other jewelry students and myself came into her workshop on Saturday having never picked up a hammer to do repousse ever before and all learned more from her in this one weekend than we thought possible. She spent time with each of us, pointing out better ways to solve whatever problems that we were having pushing the metal around to make it do our bidding. Victoria, I can't wait until you come back to us!

https://victorialansford.com/testimonials/patti-darbanville/

“It’s beyond beautiful…”

No painting, song, or sculpture had ever moved me like your art did. It's beyond beautiful, I cannot describe my feelings. Each piece is so organic, they look alive. Each one left me with different feelings, mostly: wonder, amazement, happiness, and curiosity. Some even a soft anger or loss. But each one left me emotionally rolled. You're work is....life changing. I've finally heard the thundering beacon of what I want for my future. And that is to someday be as an amazing of an artist as you.

I thank you so much for what you do.

Alexandria Reyes
Phoenix, AZ

Victoria lansford

2017-11-06T18:30:18-05:00

Alexandria Reyes
Phoenix, AZ

No painting, song, or sculpture had ever moved me like your art did. It's beyond beautiful, I cannot describe my feelings. Each piece is so organic, they look alive. Each one left me with different feelings, mostly: wonder, amazement, happiness, and curiosity. Some even a soft anger or loss. But each one left me emotionally rolled. You're work is....life changing. I've finally heard the thundering beacon of what I want for my future. And that is to someday be as an amazing of an artist as you. I thank you so much for what you do.

https://victorialansford.com/testimonials/alexandria-reyes/

“I wish to compliment you on the wonderful DVD you and your production crew produced to introduce your method, knowledge, and vision for Russian Filigree…”

I wish to compliment you on the wonderful DVD you and your production crew produced to introduce your method, knowledge, and vision for Russian Filigree. The DVD demonstrates, so honestly, your dedication, skill and techniques that you have given to master this artful jewelry. You hold back nothing and give so much. This is the best teaching DVD that I have purchased in a long time. Thank you once more for the opportunity to learn from you.Cordially,

Dolores Lewis
Dean Emeritus Moore College of Art

Victoria lansford

2017-11-06T17:52:13-05:00

Dolores Lewis
Dean Emeritus Moore College of Art

I wish to compliment you on the wonderful DVD you and your production crew produced to introduce your method, knowledge, and vision for Russian Filigree. The DVD demonstrates, so honestly, your dedication, skill and techniques that you have given to master this artful jewelry. You hold back nothing and give so much. This is the best teaching DVD that I have purchased in a long time. Thank you once more for the opportunity to learn from you. Cordially,

https://victorialansford.com/testimonials/dolores-lewis/

“In Japan, Victoria would be considered a national treasure…”

Victoria teaches techniques used for millennia to create many of the great works of art one can see in museums. Though these techniques had fallen into disuse due to their labor intensive nature, Victoria has found many tricks that streamline and improve the processes, and she uses them to make strikingly contemporary pieces rooted in the ancient world.

One will never go into a hardware store with the same mind set again. Students are given a series of challenges and opportunities to grow their own inner voices and are encouraged to create works unique to them, at their levels of ability.

The number of places one can learn these skills in the US can be counted conveniently on one's thumbs. In Japan, Victoria would be considered a national treasure, and she would be funded to pass these skills on to the next generation.

Al Boyers, Metalsmith

Victoria lansford

2017-11-06T18:06:31-05:00

Al Boyers, Metalsmith

Victoria teaches techniques used for millennia to create many of the great works of art one can see in museums. Though these techniques had fallen into disuse due to their labor intensive nature, Victoria has found many tricks that streamline and improve the processes, and she uses them to make strikingly contemporary pieces rooted in the ancient world. One will never go into a hardware store with the same mind set again. Students are given a series of challenges and opportunities to grow their own inner voices and are encouraged to create works unique to them, at their levels of ability. The number of places one can learn these skills in the US can be counted conveniently on one's thumbs. In Japan, Victoria would be considered a national treasure, and she would be funded to pass these skills on to the next generation.

https://victorialansford.com/testimonials/al-boyers/

“by the way in which you have brought it to light, it takes a refreshing approach in a learning and applicable direction….”

It is a very old technology of course, but by the way in which you have brought it to light, it takes a refreshing approach in a learning and applicable direction. This is good for the learning curve of the students in the jewelry arts, to show that we should respect the artisans and their contributions from much earlier times, and not to get caught up in just the "new" methods of application and materials.

Chris Hullinger, Metalsmith

Victoria lansford

2017-11-06T17:51:18-05:00

Chris Hullinger, Metalsmith

It is a very old technology of course, but by the way in which you have brought it to light, it takes a refreshing approach in a learning and applicable direction. This is good for the learning curve of the students in the jewelry arts, to show that we should respect the artisans and their contributions from much earlier times, and not to get caught up in just the "new" methods of application and materials.