Bears Bring Out All His Warmth

August 24, 1990|By Bernie Lincicome.

I have measured my garage, and it is a bit too small for the Bears to go deep in. But they could block and tackle each other in there without getting wet, if they still do that sort of thing. It is available for the Bears to use anytime the weather gets untropical.

I want to do my part, as I am sure we all do, in making certain the Bears are toasty and dry at all times.

I will even, if one asks, stand beside him with an umbrella during games, like a caddy in golf, another noncontact sport.

This is how seriously I take their plea for help. The last time the Bears had a mutiny, Mike McCaskey gave away their lockers to a bunch of strangers off the street. Those guys were so grateful to be even temporary Bears, they didn`t give McCaskey the first bit of worry. He charged admission while the real Bears stood outside Soldier Field and begged us not to watch.

Just three years later, after a momentary strike over working conditions, there is McCaskey and his pals, Mike Singletary and Dan Hampton and Richard Dent, all agreeing that something has to be done about this weather thing.

I know this must be twice as important if those guys are now on the same side and they`re begging us for help again.

And I am always willing to do what I can. The first step is to identify the problem. I believe I know what it is. It is called The North.

It gets cold in The North. Wet, too. From early November on, sometimes right on until the next November.

We could all move to The South, but if the Bears are asking us to bring them in out of the rain, I don`t think we can count on them paying our moving expenses.

That`s Ok. We are willing to share the problem if can be part of the solution. And thanks for asking.

Football was invented in The North. Tough men beating each other up, their breath as visible as their pain. Comfort was making the other guy feel worse than you.

This has always been the Bear way, insisting on all the comfort the other guy could stand.

Times change, what with central heating and air conditioning and inflatable roofs. Stories get around about places where the words wind and chill are never used together.

The first thing you know, misery becomes unattractive.

That must be what has happened to the Bears. Training camp was easier than ever. Nobody griped. Only a few guys puked.

Mike Ditka is all courtesy and reason. The toughest guy on the team, Steve McMichael, is out of favor and obviously out of fashion.

That`s OK, too, because the old way didn`t work so well last season. And even before that, amidst the unkinder, less gentle playoff weather of January, the Bears had been more frostbitten than the visiting teams from less severe climates.

These failures might prove that the team that doesn`t go outside until it has to is better off. Or it might mean that Bear Weather is as big a lie as Bear Quarterback.

The Bears have two home games in December this year, plus a game in Washington, outdoors, and one near Detroit, where the Lions have their own thermostat. We must help them be ready.

This is what I suggest. We all chip in and buy the Bears a warm, dry place to practice, and if we have enough left over, we can buy them new uniforms with lightning bolts on the pants and maybe some kind of friendly fish or pastel bird on their hats.

And I will personally make sure there is enough Kleenex in case of a draft.