A bunch of inane cynical rants on gaming and other entertainment by a stereotypical British person, who is so self conscious he has to hide under a pseudonymn called John Smith (or shortened to Jonith.) Also has a fondness for tea.

Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube ChannelRants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Welcome to-Indie Royale Bundle 1

Today, dear invisible people who I wish read this Ranting Page. This is me bringing back my Rant "series" named Welcome to... About different Indie Games, which I started longer ago than it took for a Kardashian Marriage to finish, about World of Tanks.

I support indie Games, I don't know why most are crapper than a man who raps about the letter C, but I believe, as a gamer, it is my duty to help out Indie Developers and hope that some of them become a success story. This is why regularly I buy them on Steam with as much greed as an overweight Koala. And occasionally I do come across a gem of a game that I believe a lot more people should play, especially as most cost less than a blowjob from a vacuum cleaner.

And I'm not just talking about games like Minecraft, which became a success in a more amazing story than an erotic fiction book written by J.R.R Tolkien. No I'm talking about the ones which haven't been as much of a success, for example Dwarfs!? (Starring Simon from the Yogscast) which is more about Dwarfs than a program about Warwick Davis. It is for this reason I believe people should buy these games more, instead of just the big releases which cause more inflation of Hype than a Hot Air Balloon being blown up by an American Blow Job Dispenser.

So step in first the Humble Indie Bundle, and now the Indie Royale Bundle. These are bundles of Indie games which you can pay your own price for, from the cheapskate cunts who are a bigger disgrace to gaming than the person who made Muslim Masscare, until you get to the people who pay a hundred or Thousands of pounds to support the companies more than Viagra. In the Indie Royale Bundle all the money also goes to the developers. Now lets beging with the first game A.R.E.S. (By the way, I paid £10 for the bundle.)

A.R.E.S

Oh god it's a weird form of anime... Like all anime then but without the tentacle sex. So welcome to, what at the moment, appears to be the worst game in this bundle, and if I was caught saying that in Japan I would probably be lynched, more than likely from being strangles by school girls' underwear (oh family racist stereotypes.) It involves Robots kidnapping some woman you care less about than you care about than a fallen banana. So it's up to you, a cunt in a generically bad ass suit to go and save her.

It's a sidescrolling game, with guns which feel worse to shoot than a water pistol filled with bricks, and it causes more boredom than a dead squirrel, so I will probably never play this game again. And neither should you, unless you want to give yourself serious brain damage.

Sanctum

I know less about this game than I do about quantum physics, because to get the most fun out of it you need to play co-op, and I have no friends because I consider them more infuriating than a back rub from a jellyfish.

If you want to know about the game though, it is a co-op, first person, Tower defence shooter, in which you have to defeat waves of enemies before they get to your core, which seems to attract more people than a brothel. That is all I know about this game.

Gemini Rue

This was supposedly the best game of the bundle, and from what I've read on Rockpapershotgun, is widely acclaimed. But I hate Point and Clicks, I may as well have been asked to animate the sex life of Glenn Beck for how much I hate these games, but I played it anyway.

First thing I noticed was the art style, which fit the game extremely well, and from what I saw of the storyline, it was extremely interesting, but then we got to the point and click parts.

Playing a point and click game is like seeing a PowerPoint presentation designed by Stephen Hawking just to piss people off. They involve you clicking on random things on the screen until you break your mouse and have a stroke. There is absolutely no immersion, and you eventually resort to having to interact stupid stuff with other stupid stuff, for example Can this Condom kill a rat holding a grenade while wearing a top hat.

I left this game feeling bored, annoyed and angry, why the hell do people like Point and Clicks, do you also like getting a back massage from Freddy Krueger?

Nimbus

And now we get to the best game of the Bundle by a long way. It is a strange Race/puzzle game, in which you have to get to the end of the level by just bouncing yourself off of the different objects. It is extremely fiddly to control, and can be infuriating at times, but that all adds to the appeal of the game,

The game has a great art style, which is extremely shiny and glossy, like a mirror covered in varnish, and is an easy game just to go into and play, so go get it, or don't, because to be honest even after all this i'd rather spend £5 on other better games.