But after further consideration, a McDonald’s in Milpitas is only the 57th most horrible place in the Bay Area to give birth to a child. I mean, the franchises near me are relatively clean (relative to a subway platform, at least). The fries are way better than Burger King. And as clueless as the cashiers can be in this place, I’m guessing that there’s something in their training video about what to do in case of a live birth. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a “Patron going into labor” button on the cash register.

Below are the worst places I can think of in the Bay Area to give birth to a baby. To keep the field narrow, I’m only choosing establishments and other enclosed spaces run by a government entity or corporation. (I stipulate that “the corner of 6th and Market streets in San Francisco” would be worse than any of these.) Your choice in the comments …

The DMV: The Department of Motor Vehicles wouldn’t be such an easy target the place wasn’t exactly as bad as the stereotype. All I know is that if my wife went into labor at the DMV, she would still have to hold onto her ticket and wait until F92 is called, and then they would demand that she go back home to get a third piece of identification. No one would smile, and right when the baby is about to crown, the entire staff would go on their break. I’m also convinced that any baby actually born on DMV premises would grow up to become a serial killer.

The Muni 14 Line: There are worse places to be born than an AC Transit bus. The Van Hool buses may not be safe for passengers, but every one I’ve traveled in has been close to immaculate. On BART, there’s at least a 50/50 chance someone would give the pregnant woman the handicapped seat. And the Muni N-Judah train might be OK if you’re with a happy crowd after a Giants game. But a Muni bus would be unspeakably horrible in pretty much any situation. There would be a guy huffing paint and/or masturbating in the back seat, a fistfight would break out for no reason and the driver would pretend like the whole thing wasn’t happening. (Also, in a Muni bus, contractions come three times in a row every 35 minutes.)

allposters.com

Imagine what they charge for an epidural in this place …

Blockbuster/Hollywood Video: I’m understandably sympathetic to people who work in industries that appear to be experiencing a slow painful death. But I’m still constantly amazed at how much the employees who work in my local video stores become more rude and incompetent with each stock price plunge. If my wife went into labor at our Hollywood Video, I have no doubt that before dialing 911, each member of the staff would make two personal calls, and then talk with each other for five minutes about the previous night’s party. Any fresh water and blankets in the building would be misfiled under New Releases. And I’m guessing that even if the baby was three weeks early, they would find a way to screw us with a late fee.

Candlestick Park: As I’ve mentioned before, going to Candlestick Park in recent years is like watching a football game in the middle of a giant urinal. I can’t think of a less sterile place in the Bay Area. And say what you want about the incredible costs of health care — even the greediest HMO isn’t going to charge a new mother $30 for parking and $10.75 for a beer. As for the game, my wife doesn’t follow football closely, but even she would become stressed out when the secondary starts giving up big plays. (I have, however, picked out a good name for my son or daughter’s in this scenario: DeBartolo Hartlaub.)

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub.