4 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

You can fail at anything. Why not take a chance on doing what you love?

A video of a commencement address by Jim Carrey recently went viral, with more than 7,000,000 views on YouTube alone. In the talk, the comedian poignantly captured what holds most of us back from achieving our goals:

"You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based on either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it."

He went on to relate the story of his father, who he says “could have been a great comedian,” but instead lost his “safe” job as an accountant:

"I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

Carrey’s simple and inspiring message has been splayed across social media, showing how strongly it hits home. Every one of us is capable of undermining our own goals because we all have an inherent inclination to self-sabotage. Two of the most important questions we can ask ourselves are why and how we get in our own way when we seek to achieve what matters most to us.

The following are four common reasons we place unnecessary limitations on ourselves that keep us from living our dreams.

1. Self-hatred. Every person will land somewhere different on the spectrum of self-perception, from self-loathing to self-confidence to narcissism. Every one of us is divided. Part of us is on our own side, goal-directed, and positive. However, part of us—the part my father, psychologist Robert Firestone, refers to as the “anti-self”—is against us. The anti-self is an internal enemy residing in our mind. It speaks to us through self-critical, self-denying, or even self-soothing thoughts known as the “critical inner voice," the purpose of which is to hold us back and keep us in our place. The voice is shaped by early life experiences, the ways we were viewed and treated growing up.

If we were regarded as a burden or told we were stupid, we will engrain these beliefs in our psyche, accepting them on some level as truth. We are also affected by our early environment: If we were miserable and lonely, we may grow to feel unworthy or uncomfortable socially. If we were told tasks would be too hard or shown, by example, to be passive or victimized, our critical inner voice will echo these messages, for years to come. We may also imitate or take on the attitudes that our early caretakers had toward themselves. If they were self-hating, timid, or depressed, we may emulate these traits or view ourselves as having these same characteristics in adulthood.

2. Comfort. The critical inner voice likes to keep us in a box, pigeonholed by an identity assigned to us and not necessarily one we earned. It can be tricky and flood us with thoughts that are seemingly self-soothing. It’s easier, after all, to recognize an internal enemy when it’s yelling at you that you’re stupid or a failure. It’s harder to identify it when it’s whispering thoughts like, “You’re fine on your own. Just be by yourself. Have that extra slice of pie. Smoke one more cigarette. You deserve it. You’re tired. Turn on the TV. Kick back. Don’t worry about your goals today.”

This soft, parental voice warns us of potential dangers: “Don’t make a fool of yourself. Stay in the background. You’re not getting that promotion. You’ll only be disappointed and humiliated. Do you even want it anyway?” Listening to this voice may feel comfortable at first, but once we give in to bad habits or avoid going after what we want, our inner critic starts in with the self-punishing thoughts: “What a loser. No one loves you. You’ll never amount to anything. You’re a nobody.”

3. Rigidity. A negative self-image is unpleasant and destructive, but we often don’t challenge it, because it’s familiar. We start to make rules for ourselves and our lives based on old defenses we believe will protect us but that actually hurt us in the long run. These defenses are often adaptations we made to less-than-ideal conditions in our childhood that now limit us in adulthood. Being quiet in our household may have kept us from getting yelled at as kids, but acting timid as adults can keep us from being our real selves and getting to know people on a deeper level. Similarly, losing our temper may have been the only way to feel heard by our parents, but yelling at our partner or spouse will only push them further away.

The defenses we form as a way to self-protect often serve as the foundation for rules we make that can limit our lives. We see everything in terms of shoulds or shouldn’ts, cans or can’ts: "You should only date men or women who will take care of you. Don’t let people get that close to you. You can’t handle too much responsibility. You shouldn’t ask for help. You can only have a job that doesn’t involve creativity."

4. Fear. As Carrey pointed out, fear is usually at the root of what holds us back—fear of the unknown or unfamiliar, fear of failure, fear that our critical inner voice will be proven right or overpower us, fear that we will have too much to lose or that we will have to face pain or rejection. The truth is we are much more resilient than we think. That same inner voice that tells us we can’t handle obstacles feeds our fear. But in reality, life is both joyful and painful. The more fully we live and love, the more sadness we are bound to experience. Our inner critic shields us from feeling the pains and joys of existence. It keeps us in a chronic state of numbness or dissatisfaction. To face our fears, we must consciously identify and actively ignore this voice.

All of us can develop a more realistic and compassionate view toward ourselves. We can learn to foster self-compassion, which studies show can improve every aspect of our lives. Research from Dr. Kristin Neff shows that, in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring behavior in relationships, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger. In this more centered state, we are better able to go after our goals and cope with any anxiety that may arise. We can start to distinguish what we really want instead of what others want for us. We can make our destiny, rather than live one prescribed to us by our history.

Many wise people would argue that the "why" of things is not that relevant, or the why of things is overrated. So I am not convinced that asking why is one of most important question to ask ourselves. Why is a very mental place to approach life.

How I get in my own way is, indeed, the observation from my life experience. I keep creating my own prison and believe that I am free because I have no exterior jailer.

Many of us have all the tools already but we still don't use them to change our behavior. We just acquire more data about the change process. I can know that every moment is a decision between love and fear for 50 years and practice very little of it while being convinced otherwise.

To keep deepening my understanding about what keeps me in my self made prison does nothing to change me. There is room for insight of course and eventually insight becomes an obstacle to transformation.

What makes us shift from insight, understanding to actually change is individual and personal, no formula.

I am pleased that you addressed the notion of why. You made an excellent point. You are absolutely right. The search for "why" and the challenge to master "why" is fruitless and wasteful. We must get beyond the why and learn the serenity of accepting the "just is". At that point one obtains freedom to move on and become one of action rather than one of inner debate and internally stuck on "why" and unable to get past it.

We will always be our own worst enemy, and the hardest prison to break out of is the one we create for ourselves. There comes a point when "the script" needs to be re-written for a more productive and heathy context.

These are exactly the things that Catholicism taught me when I was at school. Its a form of mental cruelty bordering on abuse but nothing is ever done to stop it. Unfortunately no amount of self talk to the contrary can reverse beliefs formed in early life.

You can change anything you like about yourself. Your brain does not belong to the Catholic church, it's your perception of yourself. Every part of that is within your personal sphere of influence. If those teachings have done nothing but hurt you and hold you back then reject them! When it comes right down to it, you have the power - you've always had the power, you just may not have realized it.

Hit me like a ton of bricks. Abandoned by my parents and raised by my grandparents, of whom one was very abusive, I have had a lifetime (age 61) of self loathing and thinking nothing was ever good enough, and questioning to death everything. The 'why' has about wore me out. Until now, I never had a name for it; actually was unaware much was even happening, or was self defeating. I am bookmarking this and going over it with a fine tooth comb. It is never too late.

We're certainly not suggesting to ignore negative feelings. When we talk about the Critical Inner Voice, it is different than negative feelings. You may want to read my blog The Upside of Negative Emotions.

I agree with the rejection of the negative inner thoughts that hold us back from our success. God's mighty powerful words can help turn them into positive words, and give us inner strength and motivation to move forward!

This is a great article, dont get me wrong. But all it does is point out the 4 ways we sabotage ourselves. It does not as the title suggests tell us how to stop this behavior. It does not tell us how to stop the inner critic, the self loathing, etc. It does however beautifully detail the ways that we do self sabotage ourselves. I know I self sabotage, I need help on how to stop.

I have been married for 8 yrs and I've lied about stupid things that don't even matter well in my mind it doesn't matter. My husband constantly accuses me of cheating and I haven't but I guess that since I've lied about stupid things he seems to believe I would lie about that but I wouldn't. I am constantly in fear of what he will accuse me of next. I know why I lie because he will accuse me of cheating I am just going to stop and not care what he says. He doesn't trust me and I know why if I could go back I would but I know that no matter what I do he will never trust me so what's the point. I don't want to lose him but I'm gradually getting to the point where I don't care anymore.

All growing up I was viewed as the stupid child, not smart, and I was treated as such. Now at age 34, I have destroyed my marriage and trying to change to win my husband back. I realized that my past jobs never seemed to fulfill me 100% because I always had a voice screaming at me that I would never improve or move up. how can I overcome self-hatred after 34 years of having my inner-self yell at me I'm not good enough?