Monday, 14 March 2016

Why did i trust vikki above everybody else?

So a few days ago i got asked a question that really made me think, the question came as a surprise and i wasnt ready to answer it at the time but I've really thought about it for the past few day and im ready to share my answer now.

The question i got asked was "why did you trust vikki above evryone else to tell your story of the abuse you suffered?" Now im gonna try and answer the question as best as i can below.

Vikki told me she loved me quite quckly and while i felt the same, i couldnt say it back straight away, i was scared, i didnt want to jinx what we had, i had learnt during my abuse that love ment nothing because when you love someone it leaves a window for them to hurt you and abuse your trust, love leaves you vulnerable and weak, i didnt want to invite someone to potentially break my heart again.

When i think back to 3 years ago and i remember falling in love for the first time in my life, all the feelings i felt come flooding back, all the butterfiles, all the tingles, the racing heart and breathless moments, it was a very magical time but Being in love with vikki WAS NOT the reason i trusted her enough to tell her my deepest darkest secret, i also loved my family but i still never told them because LOVE does not come into it, LOVE does not mean anything, people who love you and people you love can still fuck you over in an instant.

So WHY DID I TRUST VIKKI MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE?- i didnt trust vikki because of the feelings i felt for her, i trused vikki because of the qualities i seen in her, i seen a strong, confident, intelligent, protective woman. Vikki made me feel safe for the first time since i was 6, i felt protected and i knew vikki had been through a very difficult childhood heself so i knew she would understand why i kept it to my self for 15 years, vikki was just as fucked up as me and thats why i felt i could tell her my deepest darkest secret, vikki was my saviour and for that i will be eternally grateful.