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Friday, September 29, 2006

I found this well-decorated house while jogging around the neighbourhood.

This doesn't look at all like the work an average ah long. It looks more like the doings an enraged man who just got ripped off pretty badly by a friend. Oh well, it's never good news when someone needs to borrow cash.

I liked what he labelled the guy. Move aside Keluangman and Cicakman, here comes the one and only original Malaysian superhero, Tipu King! With the amazing ability to distort the truth far better than George Bush ever can! Woaaaah. Witness as he uses his powers for the greater good of mankind:Tipu King: Hello sir, you're a girl.Man: OMG, thank you! Thank you so much! It's the boob job right? I think it looks so real!

or transvestites. And together with Raja Kencing and Ganja Man, they will form a powerful alliance aptly named, "Sampah Masyarakat"!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I was just joking the other time when I blogged about how asian moms would still instill strict corporal punishment on their child. Modern parents these days would rather resort to reverse psychology instead of insanely thick canes, or so I thought. This week alone, I witnessed two incidents that proved me so wrong.

The first incident was when I was having lunch at a local kopitiam. A woman and a child were entering the same shop but the child got slightly hyper. She started hoping around and singing, I thought it was cute. And just when she was about to spring for her 5th hop, *whack!* the mother slapped her child's shoulder hard. "Stop it!" she exclaimed. She then proceeded to forcefully pull her arms into the kopitiam. The child, though submissive, just turned a straight face and followed the mother. Imagine what horrible fate the child must've suffered everyday back at home.

I didn't have to imagine. 3 days later, my opposite neighbour suddenly went pyscho and started screaming god knows for quite a while. During the first minute, I thought she had won the lottery. Right into the third minute, I thought she was just a terrible PMSer. And by the fifth minute, I thought I had Chester Bennington as my next door neighbour. Suddenly, a child came bursting out from the door and leaned himself on the house gate, he looked frightened.Crazed Mom: YOU COME IN NOW! YOU COME IN SO I CAN HURT YOU EVEN MORE! AAAAAARGH!Son: No! No! I don't want to go in! [Desperately rattling the house gate]Crazed Mom: If you come in right now, I promise I'll leave the biting part out.Son: ... Fine.

In western countries, the mom would already be sent to a mental asylum and the child, quickly admitted into a special care unit for fear that he may be traumatized. Over here, neighbours would instead just look on with a smile thinking to themselves, "Hey I used to be like that child and therefore he must suffer the exact same fate!". You know, neighbours like me.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Cooking has never been my forte. It's just weird for me to prepare my own dish. I mean, you're eating something you've had your own hands on! It must feel so weird. I'm aware that I sound like a pampered mama's boy. Back at home, the one sole reason for me to step foot into the kitchen is to get to the toilet behind (no other way around).

So today 27th September 2006, I am going to cook my first ever meal, Red Bean Soup, a timeless chinese dessert. Of course I consulted our house chef, Adrian, for some tips on preparing my first delicacy:

He wasn't too helpful. All he did was gave me a pack of red beans, a cup of sagu and some crystallized sugar then told me to "wing it". By that of course he meant throwing everything into the pot and see what sticks. Hell no I'm getting poisoned by my first self-prepared meal.

So I did what any bewildered men would do in this situation, I took a deep breath, sat myself down on a chair and pray that "Red Bean Soup Recipe" would return me some decent results on Google. There were many recipes online but unfortunately I couldn't understand half of what they're saying. What's a brown sugar? I thought sugars are all transparent?!

After freaking out over the difference between a bean and a legume, I reluctantly turned to home for help:

(On the phone)Ben: Mom, I need help on cooking red bean soup.Mom: Why?Ben: I'm cooking.Mom: Why are you cooking?! Is the whole town closed for Puasa?! I'm coming over to cook for you!Ben: No mom, you're not going to take a 4 hour trip down here just so you can cook for me. I want to learn.Mom: Why? So you can choose NOT to eat my food anytime you want?!Ben: [So that's why she never lets me in the kitchen] No, I just think it would help me a lot in my future.Mom: In the future, you get a chinese girlfriend and she will cook Shark's Fin Soup and Abalone for you!Ben: But what if my girlfriend isn't chinese?Mom: ... then Raitas and Chutneys it is.

If only. Actually, my mom helped a lot and because of it, I managed to prepare the entire dish from scratch in about an hour. It was delicious! Not a bad start for a kitchen newbie.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

(While York was presenting his ethnic relations project)York: ... and that's all for my topic on the different cultures of Malaysia which we have spent 10 days researching on.Lecturer (Muslim): Well done. Since the Ramadhan month is upon us, I have one question to ask. Why do you think Muslims celebrate the fasting month?York: [OH SHIT, I DON'T KNOW!] Er..Lecturer: 10-day research, huh?York: [You're dead anyway, just bull her something scientific] Research by scientists (strike 1) shows that the main reason Muslims go without an ounce of food for 30 days (strike 2) is to effectively cleanse their bowel system (strike 3).Lecturer: ...York: [She's stumped! Damn, I'm good.]

It was later that I found out York's "10 day" research was really a 10 minute copy-paste session on google. Anyway, just goes to show you how much an average Malaysian Chinese really knows about the Muslim faith. If only York stumbled upon this site, could've saved him from some major mark deductions.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Today I went to an "Excellent Undergraduates" conference. It's basically a short meeting organised by the faculty for undergraduates with above average CGPAs. Now for me, there's nothing more intimidating than being in a room filled with 30 of the brightest minds in our mechanical engineering faculty. I'm talking about guys who can solve any equation (error-free) in a matter of minutes! Throughout the conference, I was so afraid that this might happen:

Lecturer: So as you can see, you guys are very lucky to be in this... POP QUIZ! (reveals a hidden whiteboard) Derive this 2-line equation in 5 seconds!Undergrad 1: Done.Undergrad 2: Done.Everyone: Done.Ben: Er.. sir, I don't think I can solve it in time.Lecturer: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the weakest link; BENJAMIN! You are all invited to point and laugh at him, go ahead.

So what if I'm one of them? It's only my first year and I keep telling myself it's just a fluke. Some of the undergraduates here are already in their final year and they have nothing but my utmost respect for being able to maintain their outstanding grades for 4 straight years.

Anyway, after the short meeting, we adjourned to the outside of the lecture hall where we had some tea and kuih. Now over there, one is expected to mingle around but I didn't see that happening at all. Everyone was just so damn cliquey. At first, I thought it was because we (Adrian, Normie & I) were new faces and thus given the cold shoulder. Then, I saw why:

(Turns attention back to my own clique)Normie: These cups are nice. We need some for our home.Adrian: Ok, I'll just put my bag close to the side of the table and you casually slide as many cups as you can into it.. Go!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you hopped right off bed feeling so unshakeable and bulletproof.. but as soon as you landed on the ground, THUD! A tremor so great it instantly collapses your 80-storey ego right down to the ground. You smack your belly twice and then sadly declare, "I am fat". Yep, I'm having one of those mornings. Thinking that it might just be an optical illusion (yeah right) I went around to ask for a second opinion:Ben: Am I fat?Kim: (Sigh of relief) You finally said it. Hey guys, Ben finally admitted that he's fat!

(One by one enters the room)

Adrian: I was gonna tell you but I didn't know how, I am so proud of you.. it's ok.. it's ok..Normie: Hello FATTY! I've been waiting for 2 months to say that!CK: (Pokes Ben's belly) I've always wanted to do this.. (poke, poke) Yes, it's exactly how I imagined it would be..

I even had a feeling the floor had something to say too:

Fine, it took me quite sometime to finally give in to the fact that I'm slightly overweight. So this evening, I've decided to put on my dusty reeboks and head out to my taman to do some ol' fashion jogging. Funny thing about jogging is that it almost feels like being in a budget cartoon where the background keeps repeating itself. It is very boring. And there's no real goal whatsoever to achieve either. Where's the excitement? Where's the glamour? Where's the damn cheerleaders?! I hate jogging.

You know what, I don't feel like doing any exercise anymore. Anyway, it looks like it's going to rain. (Looks outside: sun shining brightly, kids running about the field, guys playing football)Plus there's so many robbery cases happening lately, it's very unsafe to jog around the neighbourhood (looks outside again: policemen circling the neighbourhood).

Sunday, September 17, 2006

In my primary school years, I used to look forward to every single period of the day. See when I was young, I had an actual desire to learn and question anything and everything. Knowledge was like a drug to me. WAS.

(Primary one: mathematics period)Teacher: Today I'm going to teach you all basic additions. What is one plus one?Ben: [Hm.. WHAT IS one plus one?]Teacher: It's two.Ben: [*Gasp* Why?]Teacher: To get the answer, simply hold a finger up. Then hold up another finger. Now count the total fingers you have up.Ben: [Woah, if I was 5 years older I'd totally get a boner right now.]

But after 15 and a half years of the same classroom routine, it gets rather weary. Teacher comes in, gives a lecture, floods us with homeworks and then exits. There's just no excitement anymore. That is why it's sad to see myself turn from that curious cat up there to this:(Lecture hall: any period)Adrian: The lecturer is late again.Ben: [Chanting: Stuck in traffic, stuck in traffic, stuck in traffic]Lecturer: Sorry I'm late, let's get on with our lesson. Just let me switch on my laptop first.Ben: [Chanting: Virus, virus, virus]Lecturer: Now on the screen you'll see a free body diagram..Ben: [Chanting: Electricity cut, electricity cut, electricity cut]

Like a prayer before every period. I could start a religion; Class-Evasion-Ism.

Friday, September 15, 2006

It's an hour before our Ethnic Relations exam and everyone in the house seems life-less. The 73-page exam notes were only handed out to us the day before, go figure. So after 2 hours of cramming useless facts into my brain, I cooled off by taking a nice long shower and then made myself a cup of hot cocoa. Curious, I went around to see how the others were doing:

Thursday, September 14, 2006

One of my two dogs died. It's sad. Before I left, one of them had already lost its appetite and has been very inactive. So upon receiving the message in KL last week, I wasn't very suprised. Adrian took it to the vet (twice) but apparently, the doctors couldn't do a thing about it. -Pauses- I have a question; is it right to call veterinarians doctors? In fact:

(Husband suddenly suffers from stroke at a restaurant)Wife: *Screams* Is there a doctor in the house?!Man 1: I am a veterinarian.Wife: I need a HUMAN doctor!Man 2: I am a dentist.Wife: Good for you, but I still need a doctor!Man 3: I am an engineer.Wife: What? You're not a doctor.Man 3: I just got my PhD last month!

(Husband dies)

"Dr." titles are everywhere nowadays, don't you think? Anyway, when I told my dad about my doggie's death, he gave me one of those "it's okay, just take care of the other one better" speeches:

Ben: One of my dog died.Dad: Ai-ya, you should've brought it back to KL with you.Ben: So you think it might have a better chance if it was in my care?Dad: No, you're awful with pets.Ben: Then why bring it back with me?!Dad: It's just that.. it's been a while since we've had dog meat.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I checked out this site that William talked about on his blog. It's sorta like a personal MSN Messenger to God, a neat idea if you ask me. So I thought why not give it a shot:

Me: Hello.God: Hello my child. What is your name?Me: Benjamin.God: That's a very nice name, Benjamin.Me: You can thank my parents for that.God: No I don't think I can do it.Me: Why not?God: It doesn't sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.Me: Are you saying that my parents are hostile?God: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?Me: No, they're not.God: Are you serious? Are you sure?Me: Suck my balls!And God Said To Benjamin:I don't think I'm your type of chatterbot.

Monday, September 11, 2006

It's practically the first commandment in the book of Asian Parental Guidance; Parents are NEVER to speak to the young child about sex. The later they know about it, the better. But somewhere in that book is also a whole chapter dedicated to explaining the duty of a child to protect and carry on his/her family's name.

So if we're going to adhere to both the rules, seems like the only time an obedient asian child will ever learn about sex is if he's going to have one the day after. Interesting:

(A day before Ah Beng's 'Big Day')Ah Beng: Mom, Ah Lian says I get to make love to her tomorrow. Problem is, I don't know how.Asian Mom: Ok, I think I've evaded the topic long enough now. You're 42, you're an adult now. Here's some notes passed down from generation to generation.Ah Beng: [Reads: "The Lim Dynasty's Guide To Having Sex"] [Chapter 1: So You've Got Your First Concubine] Isn't this a tad outdated?Asian Mom: It's all the same. Now I want you to study the notes and tomorrow morning, you'll have sex with me.Ah Beng: That's disgusting!Asian Mom: Pardon the excitement. I mean, you'll get to practice on me.Ah Beng: How is that different?!Asian Mom: It isn't.

Hilarious and disturbing. But times have changed and I'm sure everyone has their own stories on how they first discovered about the birds and the bees (on their own!). Mine went something like this:(Primary 6: Sipping down a drink with a friend in the canteen)Friend: *Sip* *Sip*Ben: *Sip* *Sip*Friend: Hey, do you ever wonder why our wee-wees become hard when we see a pretty girl?Ben: Hm.. I'll google it when I get back.Friend: Ok. *Sip* *Sip*

Not the most interesting of stories though.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This post will be in the running for The Malaysian Blog Idol. A man can dream, can't he?----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Dinner with the extended family can be quite a chore. Of course for me, extended family dinner means sitting in a huge roundtable filled with 40 year old cousins and 60 year old uncles chit chatting about their financial plans or their latest vacation trips. Zzzz. I kill time by occasionally listening in on their conversations (it can sometimes get pretty relevant).

My 14 year old sister on the other hand, brings a thick paperback novel but what's interesting is that she never finds the time to read it so I got curious:

(Dinner with extended family: While waiting for the food to arrive)Ben: What's that in your hand?Sis: A book.Ben: Why aren't you reading it?Sis: It's rude.Ben: So why did you bring it in the first place?

(Sister goes into her own dream sequence)

Sis: I want another glass of Pepsi.Dad: No, you can't have anymore.Sis: [Reads book]Dad: *Gasp* You are being RUDE!!Sis: [Starts reading]Dad: Nooo, you're bringing shame to the family name! Quick, someone get that girl a Pepsi!

Friday, September 08, 2006

As I was waiting for the coach to arrive, I inclined myself on a pillar and rested my head. The entire day was so tiring, I just cannot wait to get home and fling my exhausted body on to my warm, soft bed. Actually I was just speaking for the 40 year old uncle snoozing away on the bench beside me. Me, I was wide awake eagerly taking in the midnight KL scene around the commuter station.

On my right stood a chinese lady in her mid 30s still in her three piece suit. Unlike most women her age she wasn't at home at this hour singing a lullaby to her first born child or tightly snuggled up on the couch waiting for her husband to come home and make love to her. Instead, she was busy answering a call in Japanese while clutching a briefcase housing the business plan that finally got her the VP position.

She bade the person on the other side, "Oyasuminasai" and hung up. She was smiling victoriously as if she sealed another business deal and I for one, admired that woman. She didn't settle on her life, she took the road less travelled, she made something of herself and obviously she was soaring high above the clouds. But while she was grinning away at the thought of finally being able to purchase that house by the seaside, I couldn't help but feel.. pity.

Pity because when the coach eventually arrives, she will be returned home to an empty and lonely apartment. There will be no partner to confide to, no kids to kiss goodnight to, and basically no reason to get up the next morning and work that overtime shift again. Nobody but herself. That is how she got to where she is now and that is how she's gonna continue living her life.

Our ride finally arrives and I immediately snapped out of my musing and rushed into the coach. I never believed that women had to choose between a career and a family. Men can have both why can't women, right? And as the coach door slowly closes, I noticed that the lady was still outside waiting.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Today, both my parents went to a private hospital to get their monthly medical check-up. Since I had nothing better at home and I've NEVER been to a hospital before (can you believe it?), I decided to tag along. See I've watched a lot of medical dramas so I kinda already pictured what it would be like over there. Let's just say, it wasn't all I expected:

On TV: On entry, I will be greeted by a queue of ill and worrysome patients.Reality: I was greeted by "Regular of Decaf?". One of the world's largest multinational chain of coffee shops, Starbucks, is on the ground floor of this private hospital.

On TV: The doctors and nurses are hot.Reality: *Looks left, looks right*

On TV: Families crying after a surgeon tells them of their unsuccessful operation.Reality: Me crying because there are no hot doctors or nurses here.On TV: Ambulance sirens filling the airwaves, doctors rushing about the hospital yelling "stat" and ordering the nurses to get them stuff.Reality: Drama? While I was there, a young girl and her father were seriously injured in a car accident. Drs. Greene, Benton and Ross work to save the young patient's life. I love that ER episode. *sigh* It was dull as dishwasher there, luckily there were televisions installed in every waiting room there.

On TV: Medical doctors wear blue scrubs, surgical wear green and nurses wear pink.Reality: I was sitting beside a group of surgeons. Curious, I leaned over trying to listen in on some of their surgical mambo-jambo. I got so excited hearing the words; epidermal, antimicrobial, cleansing, washing, mop, broom... Janitors here wear green.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Everyone remembers the pain they had to go through to get their driving license. From re-taking their driving exam for the 5th damn time to finally giving up and handing the examiner a RM50 note on their 6th try (promising them that you'll be driving an automatic for the rest of your life).

In case you're wondering, I was one of the few lucky ones who passed on his first driving exam. But it was no cakewalk for me.. AT ALL! I mean I did easily breeze through the 3 toughest tests; J-turn, Parallel Parking and of course the Slopes. No surprise because my driving instructor spent 90% of the time tutoring me on them. All that's left now was the on-road test.

Now see, the thing about passing the on-road exam was that you cannot make more than 4 out 20 driving mistakes (failing to signal, speeding, didn't buckle seatbelt, etc.) Most people pass without making a single mistake and even for those who were still a little drunk from last night's party, they'd at most make 1 mistake. It's understandable because we've all been observing how our parents handle the wheels for 17 years from the backseat. Everything should come naturally to us in this part of the exam.

So I am still curious as to how is it that I was able to strike out on all 4 times during my on-road test:

Examiner: Despite all the mistakes you made today, I am still going to give you a chance. Here's my examination pad. I'm going to hand it over to you and you are going to tell me how badly you want to pass this exam.Ben: But I don't have a pen.Examiner: So, tell me in another 'way'.Ben: Er.. [Reaches for the wallet]Examiner: Good.. good..Ben: [Pulls out a photo] This is a picture of my girlfriend. As you can see, she is drop-dead gorgeous and I would like nothing more than to hump her. Problem is, she said she'll only have sex with me if I had my own ride. That is how badly I want to pass the exam.Examiner: ...(Strike 4)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Today while surfing around the net, I found out that Malaysia has came up with another ingenious idea to promote the country. 'Ingenious' because unlike climbing Mt. Everest or sailing around the world, it won't just be another copycat idea. Ladies and gentlemen, next September, we are going to be the first nation ever to send a man of ours out to space to make TEH-TARIK! *sigh* I dread to imagine the consequences:

Sunday, September 03, 2006

I have never trusted local cabbies especially the ones in KL. I always see them as scheming bastards whose only purpose in life is to squeeze every penny out of their poor customer's soul. But now with the recent news on some KLIA & Berjaya Times cabbies deliberately ripping people off, I can now swear that I will never EVER set foot in a KL cab again.

I know la, I'm being too general. Swearing off KL cabbies entirely would be like throwing away an entire fruit basket just because the first apple was rotten. These scheming cabbies or 'touts' only exist in relatively low numbers and are easily avoided ONLY IF you are a savvy KL local. Which leaves foreigners and non-KL citizens like me still game for the hunting season.

I wish that instead of word "TAXI", they would replace the sign on top of each cabs with fare prices. And maybe bargaining! It would be like Petaling Street but on wheels:

(Ben looking for a cab)Cabbie 1: Hey you looking for a ride? Only RM6! RM6!Ben: That's a bit costly.Cabbie 2: Don't listen to him, my ride only RM5! Come!Cabbie 3: Wait, I'll charge you RM6.50 but I'll throw in ANOTHER taxi.Ben: Now that sounds like a good deal. I'll take it!

(Halfway through the ride)

Ben: Wait a minute...

*Sigh* I am gullible no matter what the situation. The only smart thing to do if ever you want to go sight-seeing around KL is to have a city-savvy friend right by your side. On a different note, there was one sentence in the article that caught my eye:

"I'll personally spend time with you to make your trip worthwhile" - cabbie's answer after being enquired as to why his taxi fare was so expensive.

It was already 9pm and I was so tired from my 9 hour trip. As I laid at the backseat spreaded out like a wet blanket, I can't help but notice Linda stealing some looks at me through her rear view mirror. She looked eager.. but I was too exhausted to care. Halfway through, the taxi suddenly took a detour into a secluded area. My fatigue was getting more overwhelming up to the point I couldn't ask Linda where we were going. A strange smell started to cloud the inside of the taxi and then it hit me, I was drugged. The cab came to a complete halt. Linda turned to me, revealing her half-unbuttoned uniform and whispered to me, "I promised you a good time right?". I was still motionless. She then scooped her long sexy fingers in between her behind and.. STARTED FORCE FEEDING ME HER FECES DOWN MY THROAT!! THAT BITCH!! -Potong Stim-Told you it was dirty.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Today, I went to the the ever-famous Petaling Street in KL. I have never been to PS so being the city jakun that I am, I was very excited to pay my first visit there. Practically every local travel brochure recommends 'money-saving' shopping there and I am particularly attracted to the quote-unqoute.

What with the recent snatch and slash cases that happened in KL, I was actually going there to accompany both my younger sisters as protection. But I doubt I'd be any much use if ever the situation arises:

Sis: *Screams* That guy stole my handbag!Ben: Haiya, no use chasing him. He is long gone.Sis: But he's just walking!Ben: What if he has weapons? We better not risk our lives.Sis: Look, he just fell and I think he broke his arm! Now's our chance!Ben: People already so pitiful, don't take things away from them la.

I am such a lazy prick. But while moving around PS, I wish someone DID snatch my sister's handbag. They kept going into those jewelry-doll boutiques to buy, well, cheap jewelry and dolls.

I felt so out of place

Lucky for side entertainment

One thing I found very interesting about Petaling Street is the fact that there's a sign that reads, "Dilarang menjual barangan cetak rompak - Datuk Bandar KL" posted on every street lamp along the road.

I'm guessing either the mayor is not well-informed about his own city OR he has a really wicked sense of humour (I'm rooting for the latter). Anyway, PS was exactly as I pictured it. A huge shopping area where everything under the sun is sold; from branded clothings like adidus and billibong to quality handbags like pradis and gusi. I seriously love this place!

4 hours in a crampy car and an overly-crowded KTM later, I am back in Kay Elle. Instead of a warm greeting or even a hello, I returned home to find both my sisters and my cousin (visiting) glued tightly to the monitor screens playing whatever MMORPG or strategy game is hot nowadays, ignoring the heck out of me:Sis 1 (on the computer): I tracked a player executing a party quest!Sis 2: Quick, get hold of a team leader with an auto clicker (ac).Sis 1: [Rapidly clicking] *sigh* I wish I have the fallen angel ac right now! ... I'M IN!Sis 2: YES, Finally we can get our character up to level 50.Sis 1: And we'll be able to sail back to the main island of Victoria!In Unison: VICTORIA!!

Naturally, I was cranky after the exhausting trip back home so that's when I started to get all preachy and self-righteous:Ben: You both are such geeks! When will you all learn to grow up and start talking about worthwhile subjects like politics and education? It is ignorant students like you two that...Cousin (on his laptop): Eh Ben, what item do you get for Venomancer?Ben: Kelen's Dagger of Escape and then Monkey King Bar.Cousin: Wouldn't it be better if I got Sange & Yasha to increase my hitpoints?Ben: Nah that's too defensive. With the items I mentioned, you can blink beside the enemy, initiate poison nova and then shadow strike to slow it down so you can hit it more with your poison induced attack.Cousin: Oh yeah! Let me hear it!In Unison: OWNAGE!!