Recently, the story of a woman who made multiple suicide attempts because her husband had an extra-marital affair was caused some concern among the public. How could such a thing happen, and how should you deal with your husband’s extra-marital affair? The question became a matter of considerable anxiety for many married women. “Dwelling” and other TV programs got extremely high ratings after covering the topic, and I’m afraid this is the root of the problem. Extra-marital affairs have always been a sensitive topic, they touch a raw nerve, and for that reason, they’ve always been a choice topic for art and literature. In fact, someone once said that all of the world’s literature revolves aroudn only one theme, and that is adultery.

The famous Kinsey survey conducted in the 1940s in the US showed that 50% of men and 26% of women had at least one experience of extra-marital sex. The proportion is rising: recent studies show that two men out of three and one woman in two have had at least one experience of extra-marital sex. When over half the population adopts a certain behaviour, it’s very natural that it should start to cause concern.

Most people have a severely negative attitude towards extra-marital affairs. According to a survey conducted by the author, based on a random selection of people in Beijing, 82,4% of people disapprove of extra-marital affairs and 93,1% disapprove of sex outside marriage. May Chinese people believe that Westerners are indifferent to extra-marital affairs, but that is not true. An American survey showed that 75% of people found extra-marital sex clearly wrong; 91% consider that fidelity is important or extremely important in a couple, they would not tolerate their partner having extra-marital sex, and if they found out about it, it would mean the end of their marriage.

Because the main point in an extramarital affair is the emotional relation between husband and wife, although the affair is a kind of injury to this relation, it is in a different class from criminal acts such as physical assault, theft or burglary, and it seems that both sides have some responsibility. The party engaging in an extra-marital affair bears the guilt, of course, but the injured party is not entirely innocent, as it has not been able to preserve the emotional relation inteact. Putting things this way may seem unfair to the affected party, but when emotions are involved, the situation is very complex, emotional attribution is less certain than attribution of ownership, and for that reason, the regulations and punishments for emotional harm are not as simple as those for attacks on property.

The correct attitude to have in an affair is: first, from the point of view of morality, extra-marital affairs should be severely criticized, because they go against the mutual commitment of husband and wife in marriage. Second, from the point of view of human rights, these do not guarantee the right to have an extra-marital affair with a third person after entering into a marriage and then losing the flame, and for that reason, “going off the tracks” goes against the commitment of both parties, goes against the conventions of marriage, goes against the morality of marriage, but it is not a criminal offence. Three, “going off the tracks” is “playing with fire”, and can have seriously destructive effects on the marriage, so the parties engaging in this behaviour should be fully aware of the possible consequences.

If her husband is having an affair, how should a woman react? I believe that there are only three options: the first is to divorce; the second is to persuade her husband to change his ways and, if he sincerely does so, to forgive him, with a warning not to do it again; the third is, if she does not want to divorce and feels that the situation is unbalanced, to have an affair herself, and get even. The most unreasonable reaction is to commit suicide.

The repugnant thing is that, when Chinese men engage in extra-marital affairs, they often have a motivation which is relatively rare among Westerners, the so-called “Emperor’s complex” — in the Chinese tradition, not only could the Emperor have numerous women, but successful men could also have up to three wives and four concubines. Therefore, in the dark regions of many Chinese men’s unconscious psychology, having many women is a sign of success. That lurking feeling is the dross of Chinese cultural traditions, which modern conceptions of gender equality and fundamental State policy will not allow. Modern Chinese women have a profession, an income, and an independent personality; neither do they rely on men for subsistence, nor are they willing to share their man with another woman. So when a wife finds out that her husband is having an affair, she should definitely not choose to commit suicide, and make room for a third party, but behave like an independent woman and an equal to men: fight for equal rights, carefully consider the choices she made, and improve the quality of both her marriage and her life.

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Ross Ensbey

Hi there! I'm an Aussie guy living in Melbourne, Australia. I've lived in China twice, once for full-time Mandarin study and once for work (total time around two years). I'm passionate about languages, technology, education, business solutions and entrepreneurship.

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