Death Toll From Masturbation Ebola Rises In Sierra Leone

"The concern has turned to the aid workers being attacked and mauled by the infected"

FREETOWN, SIERRA LEONE (SMNNN) — The death toll of aid workers killed by those infected in the recent Masturbation Ebola outbreak in Sierra Leone has tripled in the last week. While local health officials were originally concerned with the deaths of those infected with the disease, the concern has turned to the aid workers being attacked and mauled by the infected.

“While only 10 infected individuals have perished from the Masturbation Ebola (M.E.) outbreak so far, the death toll of aid workers has now hit 20 in just this outbreak alone,” said Ellaih Abogado speaking on behalf of the Sierra Leone Disease Control Division. “It used to be rare that the infected would evolve to outright attacks on those treating them but that has become more frequent with this new strain.”

Masturbation Ebola is one of many deadly diseases caused entirely by masturbation. M.E. was first discovered by Dr. Markyle in 1988 while working at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts™ in Safford, Arizona. Dr. Markyle was previously studying a strain of Ebola for other research when a previously thought to be converted non-normal burst into his laboratory, exposing himself to the Ebola strain. While being held and studied in captivity, the non-normal began to furiously masturbate and Dr. Markyle noted this action increased the potency of standard Ebola to previously unthinkable levels. Dr. Markyle was able to further study various other ‘volunteers’ at BLUFF during the 1990s. His definitive research on Masturbation Ebola was published in late 1999 in the Eastern Arizona Courier’s lifestyle section.

The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has outlined the standard progression of Masturbation Ebola. They have also outlined some of the preventative measures the aid workers who are observing and purging the infected have to take when in contact with them.

In the hopes of staving off any further deaths of aid workers, the WHO and NATO sent in a strike team led by reknowned Special Forces agent, Chris Redfield. We reached out to Mr. Redfield for further details on his plan to stabilize the infected zone in Sierra Leone but he was unavailable for comment.