6/12/11

Lost At Disney World

I'm watching the GPS beacon that has jumped up on my phone with great interest. It represents a person, my mother in law in this case. It's bouncing around the Disney World map like a pinball. If I didn't know better, It would appear that my mother in law has taken up wrestling and is currently going off the top rope in a no holds bared cage match. But what the little dancing beacon really shows is that that my mother in law has no idea where she is, where she is supposed to be or where she is going. I thought this might happen on this vacation and so, I low jacked her phone.

The family vacation to Disney world, the greatest adventure that the Hossman family has yet undertaken. With crys of Victory (a chant that the kids and I do) we headed off to our adventure. After the first day there, my wife let me know that this was not a competition. And I let her know that if it was, we would be winning. Until we lost the mother in law. Now we may be losing a tad bit, something the kids and I are not used to.

Technically, she was never really lost. She was just not with us at the moment. Somehow she misheard my wife's request to meet us for dinner at Tomorrow Land. What she heard instead was "Wander around like your grandson until Hossman comes and gets you." I'm assuming that she saw some bright lights or a debate going on that distracted her.So now I am tracking my most worthy prey, my mother in law.

Travelling with family on an adventure is something that is a bit new to the kids and I. When we adventure, we get our game faces on and bust ass. We move quickly, make snap decisions and throw plenty of elbows on our way to victory. Traveling with my wife and my mother in law, the pace is considerably slowed. It's not so much the fault of my wife and my mother in law, they are not used to kick ass adventures. Their lives are filled with spreadsheets and morning meetings where coffee is provided. The only thing that we provide are scabs and ass kickery.

I realize that I need to change our approach when traveling with them but it is proving difficult. I always have a hard time dealing with things that I do not understand. For example, I do not understand how it takes an hour in the morning to get going when Disney World is out there provoking us. The kids and I would sit on the stairs in front of the hotel while my mother in law and wife do some sort of Wicca ritual in front of the mirror.

I don't get it. Grab a water bottle, throw some snacks and a change of underwear in a backpack, make a small goat sacrifice and boom, get out the door. I have learned to do this over a three year period of adventuring with the children. I have learned that a bored toddler is a destructive toddler and a destructive toddler likes to punch me in the nose. I am tired of bleeding.

My wife remains back in Tomorrow Land while I go and fetch my mother in law. With each step I take I try and figure out what is going on. She is able to turn on her own phone and find where we are at as well. But asking why is like trying to reason with a giraffe. It might be fun at first but it gets to the point where everything is just out of your reach. The GPS beacon isn't all that accurate mind you, but it does give you some simple facts that you can use to find a person. For example, it would show that the rest of the family is in Tomorrow Land and not in, say, Australia.

The beacon representing my mother in law has now left the middle of Disney World and has gone through the castle itself and is now in Fantasy Land. Not bad but it is still further away. She's a wily one, I'll give her that.

Finally she calls me.

"Stop moving" I tell her.

"I haven't moved an inch!" she says.

I am inclined to disagree as I have watched the beacon move around like a snake being chased by a mongoose. But I have no desire to get into an argument about the finer points of this witchcraft called technology.

"Just stay right where you are, I am coming to get you. Don't move!"

To help with my frustration, I punch Goofy in the nose. He understands when I scream "Family issues!" at him. He then throws Pluto my way to help me distress in this moment. The cast members at Disney truly are great.

I find my mother in law turning in circles and looking at the sky. I make sure she hasn't injured herself and promise her ice cream if she will just follow me. We hold hands to keep her on track and I point out the bright lights as we pass them.

We eventually make it back to Tomorrow Land where my wife is waiting. She has a bloody nose. Perhaps now they will both learn.

4 comments:

My son-in-law exaggerates just slightly....oh hell, over the top! I sat in the same place for 45 minutes. Then I went into the castle and moved about 50 feet (in a straight line mind you) until I was ordered to HALT by a Star Wars wannabe storm trooper....any nobody EVER mentioned Tomorrowland - I didn't even know it was close. I will admit I have a SMALL tendency to wander about but really - this time the bouncing ball was nothing more than an electromechanical malfunction - not me. Thats my story and I'm sticking to it! MiL

Dear Hossmom-in-law,I am totally on your side on this one. One shortcoming of GPS is that the signal can bounce off tall buildings (like say a big fantasy castle) and thus mark your position inaccurately. Your Son-in-law should know this. His attitude can only have been the result of a nicotine fit. You are a saint of a woman.Yours Truly,Mr. Rogers

The Inner Hoss

Let me explain it this way: I have a college degree and had a job. I quit it on purpose to teach my three minions how to be minions. After 8 years the kids have only broken 1/2 of what we've seen but the other half is on the list.