If hopes and prayers could make babies, with your help, I’d probably be on target to become the next Octomom. Unfortunately, it also takes a little bit of luck, and that is just not something I seem to ever have a supply of. Our IVF was not successful and now Lee and I are at a bit of a standstill wondering what to do next.

There is literally no reason that anyone has been able to give us to explain why we’re having such a struggle. Sure, I have PCOS, but women with PCOS get pregnant all the time. It’s not an infertility death sentence. And yes, Lee’s sperm count is a little low. Not exorbitantly low! It’s not like there’s just a lone sperm hanging out in each sample. I have no blockages, a healthy uterus, two healthy ovaries, and my body responded amazingly well to all of the hormones. Yet here we are again, staring down the barrel of another dashed dream.

So where do we go from here? Good question. We don’t know.

When we got that call that the transfer had failed, we sat down and attempted to work through our next steps. We determined that it was best for us to just relax for the rest of the year. Give my body and our hearts time to heal. Beyond that, the rest is up in the air.

We’ll have a follow-up appointment with our doctor to discuss the cycle and see if there’s anything that he noticed that would warrant the difficulties we’ve been having. Then we have to decide whether we have the emotional stamina to try again. While the next IVF cycle starts in November, Lee and I have agreed that we won’t be opting to try again this soon. From an insurance standpoint it would make sense, as we are only $3700 away from hitting our out-of-pocket maximum for out-of-network coverage, so it wouldn’t actually cost that much to try again. That being said, while our insurance recognizes infertility and does cover the procedures once the deductible has been met, it’s only a $10,000 lifetime maximum. Slightly more than half of one cycle. If we’re not emotionally ready to try again, this benefit would be wasted.

So perhaps we try again in 2018? The downside of this is that the cycle will be more expensive as my insurance deductible will have reset. We won’t get the same break on medications as we did in 2017. The upside is that it will give us more time to save to try again. But we’re working on borrowed time. Our doctor will not use sperm for an IVF cycle if the man is over the age of 42. That means we have a little over a year to get pregnant or I can’t have Lee’s baby. At least, not if I continue to see the same fertility doctor.

People have asked about donor eggs and donor sperm and whether we would be willing to try one of those routes to have a baby. The answer is unequivocally no. I don’t want just any baby. I want to have Lee’s baby. If I can’t have Lee’s baby, then I’m not interested. I want a baby with his sweet blue eyes and devilish grin. I don’t need to be pregnant just for the sake of having a child. There are plenty of children in the world that need love and a good home and if it comes down to it, we’d rather adopt than use the eggs and sperm of people we don’t know.

So how are we doing? As well as can be expected, I guess. Yes, we’re sad and even a little defeated. How could we not be? Feeling like your body is broken is one of the most heart-breaking feelings you could ever imagine. The one thing making it bearable right now is that despite our misfortune, we have a lot to look forward to this week. Lee’s little sister is getting married and we’re both so very excited to be a part of her special day, surrounded by the friends and family that we love so very much.

We’ve also made some healthy lifestyle changes this past year. I alone have lost 26 pounds since January 1st. It would be incredibly foolish to allow this devastating setback to derail all of the hard work I’ve put forth this year. If anything, it’s challenging me to keep the momentum going. How will I do that? Well, with the help of my best friend Erin, I will be focusing my effort on preparing for my first 5k this fall. It might not sound like much, but I hate running, so this will push me to focus my efforts on something else for a while.

We’ve also got our London trip to look forward to. We need it now more than ever.

We’ll be down and out for a bit, but we’ll get through it. Because we have each other. And as much as this all fucking sucks, there’s still no one I’d rather go through this with than my one and only.

I’m sure some of you might be wondering what you can do to help us heal. I’m afraid I don’t really have an answer for that. But I can tell you what we don’t want. We don’t want pity. We don’t want to hear about how you had a really hard time making this one thing happen at one point in your life, but how it all worked out in the end. All we want/need from you is to know that you’re here for us, that you think it’s super shitty that our luck fucking sucks so bad and that if you could punch infertility in the face, you would.

Thank you for following our journey thus far. It appears that it’s quite far from over.

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2 thoughts on “”

I’m so sorry to hear about the struggle you and your husband are going through! I am going through a similar situation and I know just how heart breaking it can be. I am new to the blogging scene, and it is unfortunate to know that there are so many people going through the same thing as me, but also strangely comforting to know we all have such a good support system. Keep your head up!