MTV Skins Recap — Chris

So, we’re on episode 3 of MTV Skins and I still am not liking it. Since I’m a glutton for punishment, though, I am continuing to liveblog this hot mess, simultaneously hoping against hope that it eventually stops sucking so bad.

Tonight’s episode focuses on 12 year old Chris, who is surprisingly not actually played by a 12 year old actor, but by 17 year old Jesse Carere. Go figure! I have to say, E4’s Chris Miles, played by Joe Dempsie, was absolutely my favorite character in all four seasons of UK Skins (followed closely by Naomi Campbell, but whatever). His story was so tragic in both seasons and I felt more attachment to him than any other character. I wanted to be his BFF and help him get his life on track, poor booboo. So I am going into this episode tonight with a definite bias, and I am sincerely hoping that Jesse Carere does Chris some justice tonight.

Recap and Spoilers after the jump!

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The episode is starting and Chris has a raging boner. Also he’s watching some sexy lady fitness infomercial. Let me tell you, ain’t no fitness device pornier than the AB-CIRCLE. omg. OMG other than the Shake Weight, of course!

So far this episode is a complete replica of the original, which is irritating. I figured since they wrote an entirely new episode to introduce Tea, the rest of the series would be original as well. Too bad.

Stanley, Daisy, and Tony, and MTV Anwar (wtf is his name?!) are all at Chris’s place, talking about what they should do with the money Chris’s mom left him when she inexplicably went on vacation. If it weren’t for Stanley’s long hair, I wouldn’t be able to tell him apart from Chris. They’re playing The Drums in the background and I am loving it!

Now there’s a giant, debaucherous underage house party, and I am once again having flashbacks to my youth as a teenage whore.

Just kidding.

MTV Anwar is trying to get Tea to dance with him and I am annoyed because Tea is supposed to be Maxxie, damn it!

We’re followed up with a drunk girl puking on Stan, and when they read the lines that Bryan Elsley wrote for the UK cast, I feel like these kids are just puppets. SIGH. OH GOD, now they’re playing “Canadian Girl” by the Walkmen, and I love that song so, so, so much. I have to say, as much as I like Dubstep, I like the music in MTV Skins better than UK Skins.

Chris is coming on to TINA or GINA or whatever the teacher’s name is who is playing MTV Angie. And they’re dancing to “Canadian Girl” and it’s sweet, until his perpetual Viagra boner gets up on her and she runs off.

Commercial break!

Dudes, tell me. What is this My Name Is Liz TV show I keep seeing promos about? It looks… terrible. Like I don’t get enough of Brooklyn hipsters in my life without having to see TV shows about them?

Blughhhhh. Photo Credit: Zap 2 It

Commercial break is over and now Tony and Michelle are in Chris’s room, and he is admiring fish when he should be admiring his girlfriend’s misshapen boobs. I’m still not convinced about MTV Tony. Or MTV Anyofthiscast.

Stan walks in and Michelle asks him about her breasts and I’m wondering how Stan even sees them with all that hair in his eyes? #signsthatIammaybetoooldtobewatchingthisshow.

How do you see breasts through that hair? Photo credit: smallscreenscoop.com/

It’s the next morning and Daisy and Chris are talking in his kitchen. Daisy is wearing some shirt that shows literally her entire bra and gurl’s got huge knockers. Dang. She’s asking Chris where his mom is and he says he doesn’t know. But I know, and so does everyone else who watched UK Skins, because this episode is a replica. UGHHHHH. This is so much less exciting when you know exactly what is going to happen.

Stanley and Creepy Cadie are on Chris’s couch, and Stanley is waxing poetic about Michelle’s breasts, as usual. Then Creepy Cadie reminds Stanley that they’re pretending to be sleeping together, and I don’t even remember where this weird side-storyline came from. It had something to do with Tea’s breasts, and everyone in this show clearly has an obsession with breasts.

Chris is upstairs looking for money to pay the pizza guy, and this is the SUPER PATHETIC part where he realizes his mothers’ wardrobe is emptied and homegurl is GONE. This is the moment that made me feel for UK Chris, because I have to feel sorry for someone who was totally abandoned by his family. Anyway, wah. Yeah.

On the plus side, Chris’s Viagra boner finally went down!

I miss you, Joe Dempsie! :C

MTV Anwar and the gang are watching more fitness videos, and they totally agree that fitness videos look way more porny than they should. MTV Anwar is wearing some ridiculous sweater vest I don’t understand. Stan is talking about sex positions, as if he’s not a big fat Virg, and I still don’t get the point of this storyline.

Daisy, WHAT THE HELL, put your hooters away. Jesus! Jal NEVER dressed like that in Series 1.

The old lady in me wants to give Daisy a snuggie. Photo Credit: eskimo-jo.tumblr.com/

Chris is at the pawn shop trying to sell his crap, so he can pay the pizza guy, hilariously. There’s a toaster strudel in the DVD player. Cos that’s what happens when you have parties when your parents have abandoned you, apparently. This show could be renamed to LIFE LESSONS: THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENTS ABANDON YOU.

Now he and Stan are at the junk yard, and the Junk Yard Guy is terrifying. Chris trades his toaster studel DVD player for some pills, cos that’s at all responsible. WHAT ABOUT THE PIZZA GUY, CHRISTOPHER?

I’m just going to start typing in caps for the rest of this liveblog because it is so ridiculous.

Chris gets ridiculously destroyed on those pills and wakes up the next morning, his home demolished from the party. And some creeper who looks like one of the crazy baristas at the Starbucks across from my job is asleep in his tub. And they have a fight and honestly I’m not even watching this as much as I am recapping this from memory. Chris gets locked out of his house by crazy Barista man, and I’m pretty sure he’s naked, but MTV is trying not to show it because they’re getting accused of pedaling child porn and all. Oh, MTV.

Oh, there’s Chris’s bare ass. CHILD PORN!

This recap is so long. Can I just tell you what happens?

Chris is going to go to Daisy’s, and she will take him to see his Father and Stepmother to see if they will be able to help him considering he has no mother, no money, and no home. His Father will basically ignore him, and Chris will run out of the house and go to the graveyard where his older brother is buried. He will share a tender moment with Daisy as he tells her how his brother died. Celisse will roll her eyes because these are not Chris Miles and Jalander Whateverherlastnamewas, but MTV puppets whose breasts are always on display.

After their tender moment, Chris will get housing on-campus at school, as arranged by his teen dream, Tina or Gina or whatever MTV Angie’s name is. I have to learn these peoples’ names. Instead of being thankful and cleaning up his rampant drug and alcohol abuse, he will take some Viagra and admire his wanger. END OF EPISODE.

See, I recapped that whole thing in the span of one commercial break. This is way better than actually watching the episode.

Oh, I was WRONG. Apparently Tina or Gina or whatever is letting Chris stay with her in her home. Also Cadie asked out Stanley on a date. So now we’re up to speed with what will happen at the start of the next episode.

So, Olyvil rating: C-. The episodes aren’t getting better, but they’re not really getting worse. The acting still isn’t great, but I like the music. I really was rooting for this episode, because I love Chris so, so, so much, but my expectations were too high. Alas!

NEXT WEEK: Creepy Cadie maybe possibly not really goes on a date with Stanley? And we figure out what exactly makes her so creepy! Will I tune in? I don’t know yet.