WEIRD HUMOR

As I Get Older I Realize . . .

And finally. . .

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Second Thoughts About Playing Golf

In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..Now, 95 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,died a pauper.2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson,went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,was released from prisonto die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,also committed suicide. However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion, and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen, real name Eugenio Saraceni, his parents were poor Sicilian immigrants of Italian Decent.

What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
To Hell with Work! Play Golf!

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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language .

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”.

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

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Jewish Humor

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor if you were old enough?

Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable? The man says, ‘I make a good living.’

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ‘
Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’* Doctor: ‘You’ll live to be 60!’
Patient: ‘I AM 60!’
Doctor: ‘See! What did I tell you?’* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, ‘Doc, how do I stand? ‘
The doctor says, ‘That’s what puzzles me!’* Patient: ‘I have a ringing in my ears. ‘
Doctor: ‘Don’t answer!’* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking. ‘
The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘
Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak. ‘
The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’
She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’
The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? ‘
The mother answered, ‘Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, ‘What part is it?’
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) ‘Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody .’

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.’
Her reply, ‘Force yourself.’

13 Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.