The 5 Creepiest Things Ever Done With a Fake Medical Degree

No one likes going to see the doctor, unless they live in the pornoverse, in which case every trip to the doctor is as awesome as ordering a pizza or picking up a hitchhiker. "Oh, doctor, I seem to have broken my wiener, and the only cure is factory reject D-cups!" For the rest of us, the doctor is a terrible, cold-handed individual with stirrups and specula and accusing glances that you only see when you're feeling like crap and who sometimes could end your meeting with the words "Yours is the first bum I've had a finger in today."

Less well-known and less better (heretofore known as "worse") are doctors who got their degree from "I don't have a degree." These fakers like to pretend to be doctors and will make you as uncomfortable as a real doctor, but with the added threat of not knowing their asses from grape jelly, and thus having a whole boatload of potential to kill you or just molest you for shits and giggles.

#5. Boob Inspector

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I want to play a game. The rules of this game are simple. Find the nearest boobs that belong to someone you don't know. Tell that person you're a doctor, and as part of your doctorly duties, you need to feel those boobies. Come back here and let us all know how it panned out for you.

There will be one time in everyone's life when the line "Can I touch your boobs?" will work as an opening volley to a stranger. Everyone gets one; try not to miss it. Most times, however, you'll get a dirty look, spit in your eye, or a punch in the kisser. The resulting bloody nose is well-earned, and hopefully it taught you a lesson.

Because the universe enjoys a paradox, the boobie-touching rules don't always apply, and sometimes you get a person like Phillip Winikoff. I need you to close your eyes and still somehow read this. Close one eye. Now picture this -- Winikoff was a 76-year-old man who looked like that old fart from Up! after a weekend of drinking schnapps. Posing as a door-to-door doctor, a thing that is not a thing, Winikoff managed to go to not one, but two different women in an apartment complex, explain that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams, and then give them breast exams in their homes, with a quick follow-up gloveless crotch exam tossed in for good measure.

It's stories like this that make you want to just write Bill Gates a letter and ask for a million bucks, because who knows, it could work, right? And in case you think it's a fluke, it's worth noting that Winikoff isn't the only one to pull this off. A transgendered fake doctor going by the name Berlyn Aussieahshowna managed to convince several women in nightclubs in Idaho to get breast exams by claiming that she was a plastic surgeon. She was caught after the examinees called the number she gave them to schedule appointments and discovered that she was not a doctor there. This story is remarkable in that someone using the worst fake name ever managed to get people to concede to breast exams in nightclubs, and for apparently confirming that Idaho has nightclubs.

#4. Butt Implants

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In the last year or so, there seems to have been a curious pattern of people paying just any ol' scrub to put things in their ass. Now, historically, there's a bit of a precedent for paying people to put things in your ass, but it works a little different from this. In this instance, the victims are trying to get ass implants, arguably the lamest of all things to go in someone's ass. But rather than go to a certified ass implant professional, these people are taken by the idea of discount home ass implantation being a good thing, and they let a stranger start injecting them with shit. What kind of shit do unlicensed, non-real doctors inject into people's asses? So far the list includes silicone, cement, super glue, tire sealant, mineral oil, and bathroom caulk. Can you imagine? Paying someone to put caulk in your ass? The mind boggles. And yes, I'm really proud of that joke, because when am I ever going to be able to legitimately do that again?

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Oh God, Billy Barty, we'll get you out of there! We haven't forgotten you!

You could argue that maybe these people didn't know what was being injected, so we shouldn't judge them too harshly, and maybe they're not so bright as to realize that discount surgery in someone's house probably isn't the best idea they've ever had. But all that aside, if they'd just looked at the ass of the woman who was performing the procedure -- something of an amorphous bugle that made her look like she was forever caught in the midst of pooping out an entire midget -- they should have figured out that something bad was afoot. A healthy booty is attractive to some people, but an ass that looks like Billy Barty with his ankle clamped in someone's asshole trapped in a net of yoga pants looks like exactly what I just described.

#3. Fake Cancer Boobies

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If I may go back to boobs for a moment (and I think I may), there's more than one way to dupe a lady into showing off her goodies. For instance, tell her you're successful Internet comedian Soren Bowie and include a photo of his smiling face. I do that every weekend and have been gifted with more trailer park proposals than you can even imagine. If the real Soren ever goes to the Heartland, he's got a lot of horny alcoholic ladies who work in factories to make amends to. But another way to see a woman's jubblies is to harness the power of fear. Tell her that, in your capacity as a doctor (pretend to be a doctor, incidentally), you have noticed that she has cancer. Of the boob. But, because you're a cancer boobologist, you can treat her terrible condition via a top secret yet wholly effective procedure known as sucking on dem boobies. Also, as a backup, maybe use some kind of probe that makes ozone. Ozone in the crotch cures cancer, right? Probably.

Operating out of a shack in Wales, which is like Britain's "the South," 77-year-old Reginald Gill did all of this, claiming to be a military doctor who was offering alternative therapies to people who didn't want to use traditional hospitals because real doctors are so often forgetful about sucking their patients' breasts and/or probing them with whatever random gadgets they have in their dirty Welsh basements.

In reality, Gill had been a caterer in the army and had no medical training, and book research tells us that sucking has yet to effectively cure any form of cancer, boobish or otherwise. Gill was a dirty fraud, and the result of his dirty fraudulence was eight years in prison.