The Hamptons Subway

ChevyChase and AlecBaldwin were spotted in the same subway car traveling between WaterMill and Southampton, sitting next to one another, but busy tweeting on their cellphones rather than saying anything to one another. We’re not even sure if they noticed each other.

Smoker Sues

There is no smoking on the subway system. Signs are posted everywhere. Nevertheless, a woman caught smoking on the Southampton platform, who says she was humiliated and harmed by Subway officers for doing so, has now filed a $4 million lawsuit against Hampton Subway.

The incident in question occurred last August 23. The woman was on the platform and a subway official saw her light a cigarette and took the appropriate action as described in The HamptonSubway Handbook. The official took a fire extinguisher down from the subway wall and hosed the woman down with firefighting foam.

The sad thing about this is that it has been intended that this directive in the Handbook be repealed. The directive was originally put into effect in 2007 when the ban on smoking on the subway began. Within a week, another woman, not this woman, was hosed down and sued Hampton Subway for $3 million for ruining an expensive pair of Blahnik shoes and an outfit by Chanel. HamptonSubway settled with her for an undisclosed amount. The week after the settlement, it was decided to end this cruel and inhuman punishment, but the Board never got around to bringing the matter to a vote. And so now, we have THIS.

Lexington Line Sold to Toronto

Hampton Subway purchased the New York Subway System four weeks ago and since then there has been nothing but trouble. Turns out that the unions now expect Hampton Subway to pay all the salaries, bonuses, overtime, vacation pay, pensions and medical bills of everyone who works at the NewYork Subway System. At first, Hampton Subway thought this purchase was a great bargain. But as it became apparent that the weekly deficit was up around $2 million, our Commissioner, Bill Aspinall, has had second thoughts.

An attempt to sell the system back to New York City for the same $1 we paid for it has foundered, with Mayor Bloomberg saying a deal is a deal. And so we have now gone into contract to sell the Lexington Avenue Line to the Toronto Subway for $54 million. This will give us some breathing room.

Guns on the Subway

Two women got into a catfight on the Westhampton Beach platform last Thursday afternoon. The altercation, which involved a toy poodle, started with some pushing and shoving, escalated into hair pulling and punching and ripping of clothes, and then ended suddenly when one of the women pulled a revolver and demanded the other woman hand over the canvas bag containing the poodle, which she did, at which point the first woman ran off. As you know, no dogs are allowed on the subway unless they are small enough to be carried in a canvas bag, so this poodle was legal. In any case, the appearance of the revolver came as something of a shock to the Subway police who do not carry guns (for fear that the bullets from them might ricochet and hurt bystanders).

As a result of this altercation, the matter came up at last Wednesday’s board meeting of the subway directors. It was determined that in the last five years seven people have been arrested for carrying pistols on the subway system. All were subsequently convicted and incarcerated and so have paid their debt to society. It was decided by the Board that these seven people be contacted and offered jobs—a humanitarian gesture—working for the subway system on the platforms as enforcers. They will work with the Subway Police who will call them in when necessary. The board also decided to approve a “stand your ground” rule for the enforcers. They will be allowed to kill first and ask questions later.

Commissioner Aspinall’s Message

The Commissioner is in a private bargaining session with Mayor Bloomberg of New York City at City Hall about things and did not file a report this week.