Helping Your Single Friends

For starters, stop calling them “single.”

I came across the following story in a friend’s Facebook status the other day:

I experienced the most frustrating situation today. I was walking by a restaurant and saw an old man lying on the sidewalk, clearly recently collapsed, with his cane by his side. Three people were having an outdoor lunch and were sort of staring askance at him, saying things to passersby like, "We are just trying to have lunch," and, "We called an ambulance, that's all we're supposed to do."

Apparently, it never occurred to anyone to talk to him. Like humans do. I'm really not saying this to disparage the people who were eating lunch (no doubt they were a bit shocked and uncertain how to proceed) but just to remember, in these situations, to put ourselves in the person's place and act accordingly.

It's pretty easy to then realize that all you would want, in his situation, is for someone to sit down next to you, maybe say a few kind words, and assure you that help is on the way. This is not rocket science. This is basic human decency.

That message: “put ourselves in the person’s place and act accordingly” is so simple, and so powerful.

Keeping this scenario in mind, let’s discuss being a friend to someone who is not yet married. Notice that I referred to your friend as “not yet married,” and not as “single.” Based on my experience, many of them are tired of being referred to as “single.” Would you always refer to your unemployed friend as “jobless”? ‘Hi, I’d like to introduce you to my jobless friend, Joe.’

“I feel like someone’s next project rather than their friend.”

But we do have a tendency to introduce people as ‘my single friend, Joe.’ While we’d like to help Joe find a wife, I think our sensitivity needs to be heightened. All too often I hear from those searching for their soul mates that they feel mistreated. A top complaint is that friends don’t relate to them as a person anymore. “I feel like someone’s next project rather than their friend.” Whether someone is helpless, jobless or single, let’s remember that they are more than just those things. Not only are they human, they are a soul, a spark of the divine. Let’s not needlessly categorize one another.

Understanding how to think about (and refer to) our friends searching for their soul mates is one thing, but understanding how to act is another. What do we say to them and how do we help them? Can we even talk about dating? How do we know if they want to talk about dating? I have another Facebook post that offers some guidance:

When I walk around the city, I always have an apple to offer to anyone who asks for money or food (even when they don't ask). I was on the subway without my usual bags. A woman entered the train. Her sweet-voiced plea was for food or any change because she was homeless and pregnant. As she approached where I sat, I told her the truth: "I have nothing but a piece of plastic on me. When the train stops, I'd like to give you a hug if you'll let me."

The woman stopped and smiled. She nodded her head affirmingly. The train stopped. I rushed towards her to catch her before she exited. She stopped. We hugged each other. She said, "God bless you, sister," and exited the train.

I think there are two things to take away from this story. This person carries a just-in-case apple! Learn to be prepared. It’s not only a smart move; it helps you stay compassionate and thoughtful. Carrying an apple shows that she has given forethought and made effort even before meeting the soon-to-be-owner of the apple.

You always have your compassion, love and warmth to share.

The second lesson is that even if you aren’t prepared and not sure what you have to offer, you always have something. You always have your compassion, love and warmth to share. A smile, a pat on the back, a handshake or, yes, even a hug, may be all someone needs. Nonverbal communication can be more meaningful than words. The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is true. We don’t always need to have the right words at the right time. Sometimes all we need is to show we care.

Here are a few ways to show you care. Make time to sit down and have a cup of coffee with your friend. Really get to know your friend’s preferences in a mate. Remember, you’re trying to let go of what your personal preferences are and really listen to your friend’s preferences. Once you’ve got that info, you’re ready to take a look in the world.

But before you search the entire world, first search your world. Who is in your network that could help you find your friend’s Mr. or Mrs. Right? Make a few calls on your friend’s behalf; be a detective. Should you come up with an interesting suggestion, by all means, try to set your friend up. Of course, you’ll want to check in with your friend to make sure s/he agrees that the suggestion is on target. Even if your suggestion doesn’t lead to a date, you’ve learned more about your friend’s preferences and more about matchmaking. You’re making an investment in your friend, which is the greatest gift you can give.

For those of you searching for your soul mate, please comment below and tell the world what you need. What would you like from your friends and family members? What would make you feel loved and supported?

May you easily recognize your soul mate and may you find good friends who support you in the ways you need.

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About the Author

Aleeza Ben Shalom is the Marriage Minded Mentor you can count on when you want clarity in dating for marriage. She is the author of Get Real Get Married, your guide to getting over your hurdles and under the chuppah! In addition to her private mentoring sessions with clients from all over the world, Aleeza is a passionate speaker and the host of a weekly show. To learn more about her unique style of matchmaking, which focuses on empowerment and developing successful support networks, visit www.marriagemindedmentor.com. Aleeza is committed to creating marriages that endure the test of time, starting with her own: she is a dedicated wife and loving mother of five children.

Visitor Comments: 35

(30)
Estee,
July 9, 2014 10:03 AM

Trying not to be bitter

I just read your article and I just want to say my friends are amazing bH all of the are married and have really held on to our friendship they still make time for me and make sure I feel "Included" but the truth is I don't know if I ever will anymore. Yes I'm still young but I don't have that one best friend to go home to every night I don't have a baby on the way and it's just hard. I know they are doing a great job but I can't helping feeling guilty and bitter. They either come out to meet me and I feel like I make them shlep or I come to them and feel like I'm imposing on their schedules. I also never find the balance between talking to them about their husbands single friends and not being a nag. Should I just make younger more relatable friends?

(29)
AMSB,
February 6, 2014 10:06 PM

I love this article...until the end. I love that you talk about being sensitive to one's single friends. I love that you mention that even just giving a hug can be all the person needs. However, you quoted someone saying that s/he feels like the friend's "next project". And I agree. I've often felt that way. But then you go on to give tips on how to help single friends - which sounds to me like those friends are my next project. Single friends are not broken and don't need fixing. They are ppl with something they are struggling with - much like someone else might be struggling with paying one's bills. No one is treating that person like a project or a broken thing that needs fixing. I think the sensitive thing to do for friends who are struggling with being single - or with any struggles in life - is to just be an ear for them and a shoulder to lean on. Empathize. Don't treat them like a broken item that you have to fix.

(28)
Anonymous,
January 17, 2014 1:21 AM

Please don't be a frenemy

Please don't be a frenemiy and tell people my faults. I am only human as we all are. You may have seen a full spectrum of my emotions, but please don't tell them to a prospective shidduch because you could ruin it for me.

(27)
Gila,
December 23, 2013 10:09 AM

Loniless and lack do not disappear with marriage only G-d can help with this.

I was single for many, many years. I went to everyone else's Simchas. I was really happy for them. My friends were either dating, had boyfriends or girlfriends. Everyone seemed to have something to do and someone to do it with. It was sniper lonely sometimes. I agree most times it was better to be included than not. Now BH' I too am married. I want to help my friends marry too. Using a p.c. liable or not matters to some people. I rememberbeing sensitive too. It can be a very lonely, sad place sometimes. It also comes with unique oppertunities to do things that marrieds can't. It is impossible to be sensitive to everyone. As someone pointed out already, one thing hurts one person, but is better for another.

Some very important things should be pointed out though. First, H' created the world with people having a constant lack! Marriage is very difficult in and of itself and there are times where you are so lonely. Also those who are married and have no children also suffer. Then there are those who want another child and can't have. Everyone has a lack, but we all need to try to support each other and most I portantly Doven to H' for ourselves and others.

Everyone feels justifiably self-pitty for their particular lack and this is normal. Only H' is truly there for you all the time and can help you and get you through your individual trial.

(26)
24diamonds,
December 8, 2013 7:31 AM

Thank you for asking us what we need! I often want to tell others what I need but it seems rude, or selfish. I have no family and I'm not yet married. I'm soo lonely! I wish I were invited to all kinds if things. Yes, occasionally it's awkward, but being genuinely invited feels 1,000 times better than knowing a party is going on and the only reason you're not invited is bc you're a single person. Also, I'm an adult. I don't want a roommate, I long to live in a house, with husband and children. If I had more money I'd rent or buy a house. I don't enjoy living in a studio apt, it robs me of my humanity,and my ability to invite anyone over to my home. It is not a home, it's more like a jail. Of course it has the necessities, and some nice things, I am grateful. I have been without even this much. But don't assume I am different from you. This hurts and shames me. Like someone else said, I am sincerely happy for others special occasions, even weddings, and I'm not suffering or jealous when I attend. I want my soulmate, and I need my friends and social events. I love the term not yet married, bc it gives so much hope. It puts a positive on a situation that has been shaming.

Matti,
January 18, 2014 6:35 PM

Ironic

I find it ironic that some of the people who ostracize me were the type of people who disrupted my Shalom Bayit while I was married!

Anonymous,
March 16, 2014 7:18 AM

My best friends all got engaged/married at once and it was extremely painful for me. The worst thing was when my best friend of 13 years did not understand my pain anymore. If I went on a bad date, or was going through a bad shidduch experience, her response was "SO MISHAMAYIM". She kept on saying that, which got me so annoyed. She suddenly didnt understand anymore. Please just understand my pain, that's all I need. I am fully aware that Hashem wants it this way. In addition, I would appreciate it if she made an effort to talk to me because she wanted to, not because she felt like she has too, which is currently the case.

(25)
Anonymous,
December 1, 2013 9:03 PM

Thank you for the sensitivity.

As someone who has been dating for years and gone through plenty of disappointments, I found this article to be a little refreshing. I'm glad someone understands how hard dating can be. I often feel like it's never going to happen for me, so I appreciate people being considerate.

(24)
Rena,
November 26, 2013 11:43 PM

Catch 22

I'm not sure why one has to be introduced with a label at all. I am single and while I don't care either way, it would be preferable to be introduced just by my name. I don't introduce my married friends as ' this is my married friend Sarah' or my childless friend as 'this is my childless friend Brenda' or my friend in a bad marriage 'this is my friend Rachel who's in a bad marriage' etc ..... If you would like others to know of your friends single status in order to increase the possibilities of them meeting someone say it on the side and state ur purpose (not in front of your friend) and actually FOLLOW UP. Some people, singles especially, have super sensitivities, if your not offending one kind you're offending another. Try to be relatively sensitive, be a real friend no matter what someone's status is and singles don't take issue with the small things.

(23)
Rebekah,
November 24, 2013 10:10 PM

Try helping not yet married friends expand their social network

I think sometimes people focus a bit too much on finding matches for not yet married friends (I love that way of describing us-it's so much more hopeful than single or unmarried) and not enough on helping them expand their social networks. Maybe you don't know your not yet married friend's soulmate, but maybe you could introduce her to a family that could host her for shabbos, a friend to go out with, a spiritual mentor or someone who knows other people her age who are not yet married. It's not just about being matched with someone or dating, it's about feeling that you are a part of the community. Even for those who already have strong social networks, expanding their network also increases the chances that someone might know someone for them.

saleem,
December 27, 2013 1:38 PM

one line here

Rebekhah, if you want to marry with a nice and gentleman, what i think you should try on such websites for soul mate. and first of all a social network is most important where the people know each other very well.saleem

(22)
Johnny,
November 24, 2013 7:49 PM

I'm tried of the well wishes. I know people mean it for good, but it comes out just sounding insincere, like they've said their socially obligated response to your plight and that's as far as it goes. If people would only do as this article suggest.

(21)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2013 10:04 PM

Invite us to your simchos and happy occassions. Too often I hear people telling me, I didn't invite you. I didn't want you to feel bad. Just the oppossite! We love going to weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, etc... we are truly happy for you! Besides which we get to feel part of society and not outcasts. And please, treat us as whole people and not just look at what we are lacking.

(20)
Tziporah Michelle,
November 14, 2013 11:36 AM

On the contrary, it seems much better to be called single than 'not yet married' ! Single is stating what is and there is much faith in being present in what is. To be presented as not yet married only connotes lack and currently less than mentality. This is very negative. Sure it is not ideal to be single, but to be presented and focused on the not ideal does not help attract the blessing of abundance. May the single women of the world stand strong with faith that all is good and From G-d. Let her be presented possessing the qualities of and radiating faith patience groundedness strength and, grace in what is which then inspires from herself and Hashem greater gifts.

Please do not present a single person as 'not yet married' this is an insult though its intention is to foresee and attract goodness. It's a fine balance and tricky execution! So the important thing is to inspire her and the heavens for more ( hence not yet married'), while deeply affirming who she is now ( Single) which is building strong beautiful roots in fertile soil, for even more beautiful blossoms!

Anonymous,
November 28, 2013 11:12 PM

Great comments, some of my thoughts with Torah quotes

I like the comments people left maybe even more than the article. Thank you for sharing. The article made me cry from happiness and sadness at the caring and lack of care that people show to one another. I am guilty of this at times too. We are all connected, and I think we sometimes forget that "HaShem fashions all of our hearts and minds together". Be considerate, not give nor take abusive, stand up for our friends, and if can't due to escalation, then at least be comforting and sincere afterwards; be respectful to one another(if not know what respect is, then find out ! Ask a truly respectable reputable trustworthy person and start reading and practicing true Torah. Find a true friend, a true teacher/rabbi, and study true Torah, then do it; walk the walk not just talk the talk. The Girl Scout motto, and yes there are Jewish Girl Scout Troops: "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold". Treat all with respect as long as they are making efforts and /or are being your friend and are not being phoney, and are respectful to you, and even if they are phoney, at least you can be respectful self respect – married, single, have children, awaiting children, maybe70- 100 years old people, 5yrs old or 12/ 13 yrs old or ?-- whatever the ‘status’--- "Who is wise someone who learns from everyone and looks at what the future may bring" May we all be blessed by HK'BH with success, health, and happiness.

(19)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2013 12:17 AM

What a wonderful concept.

Carrying an apple is such a lovely metaphor. It reminds us that we need to approach each day mindful of tikkun olam with advanced intention to help others. Recognizing that we have so many different ways to "give an apple" is such an important concept.

I don't mind being identified as being "single", but I think it is thoughtful that you have considered that some people may prefer not to be described using that word.

Thank you for a very thoughtful article!

(18)
B,
November 13, 2013 11:28 PM

Just be Friends :)

I am single and have been blessed with several real friends - who are married. We are real, true friends. To them, I am not single... I'm just a friend who happens to be single. To me that is being a real friend. They see me as a whole person - not as a representative of my current life test. It's a blessing I am SO grateful for!

(17)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2013 9:42 PM

Singleness

I am glad somebody is actually saying something about the label that we are constantly being put on. I am really tired of being the unmarried, boyfriendless 38yr old amongst my friends. The funny thing is, the same people who first look at me with pitty are the same that two minutes later say "you are so lucky to be single, you can do whatever you want" So what's the deal? Most of my friends whom I went to their weddings around 10 yrs ago, are now going through divorce.. Obviously If I am still single, its because H'Shem wants me to be single, why pressure us just to be something that we are not intended to be (yet)? so yeah, please stop calling your single friends "single" like if it were something bad, stop mentioning the "biological clock" to imply that the later we get married the harder to have kids it will be. Just silently pray for us and that our Bashert's paths meet soon. That's all the help we need.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2013 6:49 PM

Marriage and Dignity are separable.

The obsession with marriage as the key to dignity must end.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2013 4:24 PM

Treat them like people, perhaps?

How about just treat them like any other person, and leave marital status out of it?

(14)
michal s.,
November 13, 2013 1:41 PM

An apple and a smile

I loved the "apple" part. Great Idea. Same with the smile (may not always feel like the hug is a good idea). A smile and a kind word may mean so much to the person.

(13)
Leah,
November 13, 2013 11:07 AM

The above written story is very true unfortunately I must admit I'm single as well and many of my close friends are married the truth is I get upset if my friends continuously are asking when are you getting married, any new relationship they all come up with their intentional suggestions but sometimes when Im in my mood I let them know maybe this is my way I ve chosen, and that it bothers me if they call me single because Im not so single by the end of the day I ve got amazing parents who would do everything for me, brother, sister in law, friends, relatives etc after a while I get bored of being called single , keep calm and I carry on and on!

(12)
Gabriel,
November 13, 2013 5:34 AM

God Fearing

A God fearing woman, that's the main thing. As it is said "All things are in the hands of the Heaven except the fear of Heaven."

(11)
Ester Cohen,
November 13, 2013 3:38 AM

True Dat!.....Seriously very true!!

This article is so very true from the start til the end. From taking it upon yourself to give to the poor when you see them while not waiting to see, "oh , thank G-D they didn't come and ask me for anything..to helping the your friend that didn't meet his/her other half by thinking of them instead of you. Now that you are set up and have your other half why not care so much about your friend that you so call a friend right? Because G-D has so much mercy on us by giving us provisions and gave us our other half so we should have mercy on the poor and helping the ones we love and call friends. That makes a true jew! A lot of us lately as the years pass by we forget were jews ya know we start to act just like the Goy, were we come to a stop sign and look at each others actions and say you a jew? you a goy? oy, i can't even tell the diff anymore, its so sad we should lech' lecha ya know come back to ourself's and act like we are suppose to act. When we see the poor the Rabbi's say don't wait for the poor and come and ask you for something take it upon yourself and you go give him something even if he didn't ask for anything. And for the so what called singles, even if your single and your friend is too go out of your way and with H-shem's help, find him/her someone cause when G-d see's you that you thought of your friend first he will be impressed and say, Now that's my kid and because you did that and you thought of him i also shall give you your other half! But you see its all about us and our figure the way we are looked in other peoples eyes. Who cares how we look other peoples eyes let us care how we look in G-ds eyes thats more important than anything else. And let us be as who we are suppose to be JEWS lets start acting like it and not only be a title or who we are. Let us shine love and kindness and caringness one to another cuz if ya don't know it we are looked and studied by every other nation and because we are chosen lets start acting like it. L

(10)
Anonymous,
November 12, 2013 9:29 PM

1. This article, and some people, do not give credence to the idea that a single or "not married" person" may have actually made an active choice to be this way. Some people may not be ready, for one reason or another, to devote their time and energy to another person. Maybe they are too busy with work, or anything else, and realize that if they had a significant other the probability of neglecting that person would be high. Before trying to find a match for a friend, family member or coworker you should know if that person even wants that otherwise it's just a bad assumption on your part and it would be an exercise in futility. 2. Why is that people are so quick to play match maker when it comes to romance but rarely ever make an effort to find someone you care about a job if they are unemployed? Bc most "jobless" ppl do want to work compared to single ppl wanting a partner.

(9)
Emma,
November 12, 2013 7:20 PM

I liked the start of the article which reminds us not to classify or look down on our friends who are single. However, the last few paragraphs totally undermine that point. No, you shouldn't start setting up your friend on dates without their approval. It turns people into projects. Similarly, it's incredibly condescending to call someone "not yet married" as opposed to "single," since the former implies that marriage is the natural outcome for everyone. Have you ever considered that maybe some people prefer being single?

(8)
Anonymous,
November 12, 2013 7:16 PM

Great article - More to say (and not say) to not yet married

What a wonderful article! I love the phrase 'not yet married' and am going to use that going forward - even when speaking on my own behalf. Another thing I would add to this terrific piece is, for those in relationships or married, to share hope and encouragement. Dating is difficult - especially when you really want to be in a relationship or married. When someone finds out I am not married, the usual responses include telling me how “hard it is out there” and how they “wouldn't know what they would do if they were me.” By contrast, I have been truly touched by the few individuals (in relationships) who share sincere encouragement, enthusiasm and faith/confidence, “It's going to happen soon! I just know it.” “You are so great and doing everything you can - it's only a matter of time. Don't give up!” Equally, the times when a not-yet-married honors you by confiding a dating story that did not work out - know that this person is already coming to you from a place of disappointment, that another date did not work out. Resist the urge to take the other dater's side and downplay your friend's feelings/preferences. Comments like, "Who cares if he/she [insert what is lacking/present and of value to the dater] and/or you are genuinely not attracted to him/her, etc.? Give him/her another chance! You're being too picky! Call him/her!" Point being, if someone is really trying to find a marriage-partner they are not parting ways for superficial reasons. And even if they are not your reasons, those ideals are important to the dater. Instead, offer a kind word, a hug, a fun break and your solid support. Compliment your friend on having put him/herself out there, keeping going, and seeking a b'shert worthy of all the great qualities you see in him/her. (And, as the article mentions, keep a lookout for a great person to connect him/her with. :)

(7)
B.S. Brenner,
November 12, 2013 6:12 PM

Call for them

Instead of calling them single, call FOR them. Ask relatives, neighbors, colleagues, "Do you know men/women who are looking for their right zivug?" May our efforts inspire tremendous siyata s'Shamaya (Great help from Above)!

(6)
Nechama,
November 12, 2013 5:47 PM

Another Tip

This was a great article. I also often have issues when hanging with my single friends because I am married and they are "not married." Being not married is very much the same as being someone who has yet to cross the mightiest river in Egypt and all they have is a telescope, a tent and a few small matches. Sure, they may be able to swim across and then also have a tent and some small matches but sometimes you need a boat or tiny raft or maybe even a boat to help you make that final trip. It is our job as married people to make sure our single friends cross that mighty river and make their way into marriage, or as I call it, "not Egypt." (Ramaban once said that being single is the same as being in Mizrayim because you work all day but when it comes down to it, what are you working for?)

When setting my "not yet out of Mizrayim" friends up I make sure to ask them what THEY are looking for and then get people who also are looking for the same thing. You can sell someone a Camry but if they don't like the highway mileage, then they will return it. So to, if they don't like the match THEY WILL GET DIVORCED AND NOT BE ABLE TO MARRY AGAIN.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 12, 2013 1:59 PM

David Elkaim says to carry bars of food for those who need. I personally have found this to be a great method of apple carrying - it's protein rich, lasts a while, and gets past the uncertainty of the use of money given!
I can often find clif bars for a dollar, equivalent to what normally people give anyway. However, we often assume the same infrastructure - going into stores - applies to everyone. If you give a person a dollar, wouldn't they also be able just as easily to buy a clif bar for themselves?
Not so. I bought a guy lunch in Washington DC, and the hot dog stand he wanted food from was used to him trying to bum food off of them - but when she saw I was buying, she relaxed. I imagine a similar reaction from a store owner when a disheveled person walks into the store - are they here to buy? Will they scare customers away? You never know what can induce shame and fear for an individual living on the streets, and it is our job as mitzvah-doers to take care of others.

(4)
Yehoshua,
November 12, 2013 7:21 AM

Be a friend

When I first moved to the community I am apart of there were many people who I met and welcomed me into the community. But the one thing they missed was being my friend, inviting out to go places with them, to invite me for meals instead of me always having to ask. What we "not yet married" people need are people to be our friends, whether you are married or not.

Us "not yet married" people also like going to the movies, going out to a ball game, going bowling or whatever else you can think of just like you married people. If you are having a girls night or a guys night, invite your "not yet married" friend to join in. All we need is a friend and to feel like we belong and not to be treated like we have the black plague.

The best feeling that I have gotten in a while was when a married friend of mine said to me, please come to my house for Shabbos dinner this week. It felt good to be wanted, like I belonged. He wanted me to come and I didn't have to ask for it. That is all we want as people who are "not yet married" to feel like we belong and aren't outsiders because we are not yet married.

Avigayil,
November 13, 2013 2:55 AM

Spot on!

That is exactly how I feel. Being single among married friends sometimes means you are a second grade 'citizen' in the circle of friends. I ended up being my own company for quite a while now, for fear of missing one or two good movies just because I had nobody to go with me.

(3)
Arona,
November 12, 2013 4:35 AM

Great article...till the last couple paragraphs

I think this is a great article. It's so true. We shouldn't categorize our friends as "single" or "jobless". I like the quote about feeling more like someone's project than friend. I have definitely felt that way on many occasions. However, I felt that the paragraph that starts "Here are a few ways to show you care..." totally undermined that point of feeling like someone's project. I feel that the article is saying to be more sensitive to your friends and don't make them your project, which is great! But then that paragraph, as well as the one after it are basically saying - But if you can, here's how. They are great suggestions. I just feel that they don't belong in this article. Otherwise, thank you for posting this.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 11, 2013 9:12 PM

Down and out

This analogy was funny. . . just the other day I was telling a friend that so many pepole act "religous" but if they were really religious, they would realize that if there were a bunch of pepole lying on the floor, with no food, asking for help, then ignoring their pleas and going on with their lives would be such an insult! Yet here it is, really happening!

(1)
Alan S.,
November 10, 2013 5:20 PM

The main idea expressed in this article is smart, kind, thoughtful and well meaning. We should not 'categorize' anyone in our mind, nor categorize anyone or to speak to a third party by categorizing another. This surely is a type of lashon hora. I personally do not know anyone that would introduce someone by saying, without being prompted, "this is my single friend Joe" or "this is my single friend Karen". Can people be so thoughtless?

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...