Wednesday, December 30, 2009

'ello, mon! Stop from The Stoppable Force here, briefly taking over Jezriyah's blog. I read somewhere recently that trolls continue to be the least-played race in the Horde ranks, and that, my friends, is a damned crying shame. I'm going to hijack Jezriyah's blog to remind you that trolls are better than whatever race you picked. Don't believe me? Let's take it race-by-race.

Humans: Bah, where do I begin? Humans don't have awesome tusks. Humans have stupid haircuts. (Here's a drinking game: hang around Dalaran, and every time you see a male human with a blood elf haircut, drink. Spoiler: don't make any plans for the rest of the night.) Female humans have a perpetually glassy look in their eyes that kind of makes it look like maybe they've been breathing a goblin engineer's fumes for too long. Oh, and lest we forget, the men all have unrealistically buff builds when unarmored, but put that armor on and put them beside any other race and they look positively puny. Talk about false expectations...

Dwarves: Stumpy little beard-wearing rock-diggers. They've got the hunting thing all wrong, and Blizzard buys into it - bows should totally be the superior endgame weapons, proving once again that Blizzard favors the Alliance. Plus they keep insisting on interestin' me inna pint, but I've had dwarven stout - and frankly, I'm more interested in some o'dat troll voodoo.

Gnomes: Appetizers. Moving along.

Night Elves: Conclusive research has proven that night elves are basically troll descendants. They're what you'd get if you took a troll, gave it blank eyes and bigger ears, manhands for all the ladies, and an irrepressible urge to dance naked on mailboxes. Trolls are learning to be druids in Cataclysm because frankly, night elves are a complete and total embarrassment to their original species. Trolls: the better night elves.

Draenei: Now, you can say a lot about trolls. You can say that trolls remained primitive for a long time, and this is true. You can say that trolls have a nasty tendency to eat their enemies and sometimes their friends, and this is true. But can you say that trolls have ever made a deal with the fel influence of the Burning Legion, leading to the corruption of Sargeras and destroying an entire planet in the process, indirectly getting their own race wiped out by rampaging orcs, and - lest we forget - crashing an interdimensional spaceship into an island chain off the coast of Kalimdor? No, you can not.

Orcs: Ordinarily it'd be hard for me to say anything bad about the orcs, but they've put Garrosh in charge and seem perfectly content to leave him there. Barring that - he does seem to be growing on people - orcs could use some help with their tusks. Troll tusks are clearly superior - look at your average male troll, who could easily dig a grave with his tusks (and then put you in it with his bow skills).

Tauren: Well, someone's got to be the main course, right? Gnome frittata for a starter, tauren steaks for the main course. Moo!

Forsaken: The trolls and the Forsaken do have a little bit in common: namely, terrible posture. However, the trolls have enlightenment. We long since learned to stop trying to wear shoes, whereas the Forsaken seem completely unable to dress themselves without tearing everything apart. You'd think with that much exposed bone, you'd want to be a little more careful... Then again, when you smell as bad as these zombies, and, oh yeah, your leader has a traitorous plan to wipe out all living things on Azeroth, including your own allies, maybe you don't care about a little broken elbow or two.

Blood Elves: After those gnome frittatas and tauren steaks, we're going to need to get toothpicks from somewhere. I can clearly see your blood elf's ribs from here, and it looks like those would do nicely.

In short, it's time you go to WoW account management and pony up the cash to make yourself into a troll. And with that, I'll be seein' ya!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The note is written in patchwork Thalassian -- nearly fluent, but not quite -- on fine, though unpersonalized, parchment, the best available to the layman from the vendors of Dalaran. The handwriting is painstaking, the carefully-lettered work of one whose native alphabet isn't nearly so graceful. The wax seal is a plain insignia of the Horde.

Regent-Lord Theron,

I pray this letter finds you well, if it reaches your hands at all. I write to you concerning the events that transpired at the Sunwell when I arrived with the reforged Quel'Delar.

While I am an outsider to your people, I'm sure you're keenly aware of what strange bedfellows a shared strife can make. The sin'dorei joined the Horde at roughly the same time that I came of age and joined my brethren on the battlefield. In that way, we somewhat joined the Horde together. I have spent countless days sharing bunkers and battlefields with your people, and count many of them among my dearest friends.

It is through these friends and some bit of study that I gained what knowledge I have of your people's background and history. The Darkspear as well have suffered displacement and near genocide. I know well the feeling of uncertainty for your entire people's future on Azeroth. Despite your mistreatment at the hands of the Amani, most of your people have welcomed me as a friend and ally. Your collective loyalty and kindness remain near my heart, and I am honored to count you all as brothers and sisters of the Horde.

Save for the bane of Trol'kalar, I am mostly unfamiliar with even the idea of such powerful weapons as the one that rests beside me now, but I can appreciate its historical significance to your people. I can also understand how unsettling it may have been for you to see me carrying it, and your desire to see it restored to your own people. I wish to assure you I hold no ill will towards you or the sin'dorei for your actions at the Sunwell. (Nor do I believe you deserved the scolding you were given by an ambassador who had no deserved concern for the matter, but that is irrelevant to the subject at hand.)

I do not know why this weapon has chosen me as its wielder, but I do know that its mission is greater than either your people or mine. Tonight, with Quel'Delar at my side, I will be joining the forces of the Ashen Verdict in breaching the defenses of Icecrown Citadel. The sword will continue its delayed journey into the heart of the Scourge, and if the loa, the Well, the Light, and whatever other powers we may appeal to be willing, defeat the threat that has taken so much from both of us. If it should fall, then it shall fall as it did before: in the defense of not only Silvermoon and Orgrimmar, but all of Azeroth.

I remain at your command as a leader and at your side as a sister of the Horde.

Trollsie!

Zuele and Jiyoti's only child. Too stocky to be a hunter. Did it anyway. Fought for the Horde until it turned her out. Currently mercenary, her missions a healthy mix between saving Azeroth, defending the Darkspear and keeping her pockets full.
Survival/Marksmanship, Portent Alliance of Sentinels US.