Monday, 21 April 2008

The American Psychiatric Association has just released this season’s big new phobias, and I got my hands on some of them. I’m going to give them all a try, safe in the knowledge that when it comes to reviewing things, The Imaginary Reviewer fears nothing!

Sinojumpiphobia is the fear that everyone in China will simultaneously jump up and down on the spot, causing the world’s orbit to change. I tried this phobia before going out to town and it was pretty scary. Firstly, any kind of shaking made me think that the Chinese government had forced the country’s population to do skipping rope practise at once. A large truck drove by and I shat myself, quite literally. While I was in the underwear shop buying replacement pants I felt a nearby elevator drop and thought I was going to die. Sinojumpiphobia is one intense new fear, and gets a hefty eight on the Stephen King Scale.

Next on the list was Metallipickuphobia, or, the fear of being in a rock concert and the band stopping the set so they can tell you that your parents are waiting for you in the car outside. This is so named because the first people to get this fear were in a Metallica gig. I tested this fear during a normal working day, and I have to say, it’s not very effective; my life was pretty unaffected by this worry. However, when I applied the phobia before going to see Death By Dry Hump at the Toronto Autobahn, I needed to leave the building each time the band stopped playing to talk to the audience. The lead singer had just said ‘Hello Toronto!’ and I had to run out like Cinderella at midnight. Terrifying.

Amimikaphobia is a very new fear, but isn’t entirely uncommon. It is the fear of being befriended by high-pitched ‘singer’ Mika. I had this phobia to a small extent already, but when I tested it, my entire life became dedicated to finding out where Mika was and what he was doing, so that I could make plans to avoid him, should he be nearby. My mind was full of the ‘fun things’ Mika would want to do when he and I somehow became friends; watching films on my sofa, making hotdogs, going to parties. I would shudder as I considered the hatred my friends would show me for bringing Mika to parties with me, not listening to my claims that he wouldn’t say no. My fear became so bad that I spent the rest of the week hiding in a hole. This is one of the most potent and effective phobias I have ever tested, even scarier than OneNightinParisPhobia, the fear of discovering Paris Hilton made a sex tape with you while you were drunk and it's now available all over the internet.

Reviewophobia was a very harrowing phobia to test. As one could gather from the name, it is a fear of reviews, and as my life revolves around them, I was incredibly distressed during this time. Each time I saw or thought of reviews, I was terrified, and this made it very hard to exist in my home, where I am constantly surrounded by reviews. For instance, the first review I ever wrote (for Treasure Island Dizzy on the ZX Spectrum) is framed on the wall in my living room. I destroyed this memento in a panicked moment, meaning I have since had to frame a copy of my second ever review (of Mayfair, June 1991 issue). Over dinner one night, my wife asked me what I thought of the meal, and just as I was about to critically analyse the stewed dumplings my fear kicked in and I spent the rest of the evening under the dining room table. A very effective fear.

For more information about these phobias, please send an email to the American Psychological Association. For more information about colon cancer, see a doctor. For more information about the Imaginary Review, see our website at www.imaginary-review.blogspot.com.

Inane: Apologies for the oversight, I should have mentioned the outlets where these phobias may be purchased. Try the American Psychological Association website for the official vendors; however, eBay has a lot of people selling used phobias at lowered prices. Beware, though, for some unscrupulous people are selling old, uninteresting phobias (such as aibohphobia, the fear of palindromes), claiming that they're new and exciting. Thanks for your kind comments!

Crayons: You're welcome re your blog, which is one of the most wonderful I've come across. Thanks for your comments, you've given me a great idea for a new career direction!

my head has just exploded with piss after reading your latest review. What are you trying to do to us people? It's not funny taking the michael out of us phobia bearers. Naughty boy. Don't do it again. My phobia? Glad you asked It's pissyheadexplodaphobia. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! Bye

Sausage Lord: It isn't often we get persons of such a high standing here at The Imaginary Review; welcome, your lordship. I apologise if you think I was belittling people with phobias, but far from it. I was merely informing the public at large of some new developments. I myself suffer from the terror of Fourwaystreetaphobia, a fear of the third album by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

Welcome to the IR, I hope you enjoy any future visits (and that they fail to induce a similar piss/brain reaction).

Ah! i had a friend who suffered from that and also Aitchaphobia- a fear of the reformation of the band "Steps". Frightful phobias. I'd rather spontaneously explode in a cloud of piss any day (and i usually do!)

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I want to be a writer but nobody has responded to my requests for free stuff to review. Undaunted by this...er...daunting predicament, I have decided that I don't need stuff to review! I have enough material in my own head!
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