Linda Blair in "CHAINED HEAT" discovers it's not best to shower alone in a prison for women.

Here's your Greg Klymkiw Christmas Gift Suggestion #6 for 2012. The "Third Strike" Deluxe DVD Collection featuring Linda Blair, Sylvia Kristal and Sybil Danning is a must for all gentlemen. From VSC (Video Service Corp) this 3-movie delight that features CHAINED HEAT, RED HEAT and JUNGLE WARRIORS is aimed specifically at Gentlemen wishing to celebrate the birth of Jesus H. Christ with stylish sleaze of the highest order. Your MAN will love you forever if you bestow this fine set of neo-realist dramas upon him. Place it under the Tannenbaum and you'll feel like one of the Three Wise Men under the Star of Bethlehem as they lay their tributes before the feet of the virgin-birthed cherub.

The Late, Great Canadian Actor John Vernon surely deserved more accolades for his realistic portrait of a prison warden who forces female inmates to have sex with him in a hot tub while he videotapes their vile escapades to add to his insanely large collection of amateur porn.

You like a decent chicks-in-prison picture? I thought so. Who doesn't. There's so much to like. An innocent woman or two lands behind bars and is unprepared for the horrors within. Two factions of female prisoners - each led by a tough babe, battle for inmate supremacy and pick on the fresh meat (and/or demand sexual favours from them). A corrupt warden (male or female), corrupt prison guards (male or female) and assorted corrupt prison personnel (male or female) all get a crack at exploiting inmates (usually as recipients/receptacles of unwanted sexual activity). Eventually, one of the innocent women has way more smarts than anyone else, learns to become tough as nails, bands together with likeminded ladies on both sides of the rivalry equation and - watch out!!!!! - Hell breaks loose in the form of a riot, major ass-kicking and eventual exposure of the corruption within the system. Dappled throughout is a smorgasbord of rape, torture and murder.

This is the general blueprint for most women in prison pictures. It's surefire. The only way to go wrong is when filmmakers deliver a sub-standard product within the aforementioned formula. Such is not the case with Chained Heat. It's first-rate all the way and might well be the one of the best chicks-in-prison picture ever made. If it's not that, it most certainly is one of the most vile of all.

The level of sleaze here is at its most taste-tempting. Chained Heat is, without question, a humungous bucket of scum - complete and utter filth. There are simply no two ways about it. Stick a Thermo-Trash-o-Meter up the picture's asshole and that ball of mercury is going to burst immediately upon insertion.

Now, is the movie any good? Yes and no. Director Paul Nicholas is barely competent in jockeying the camera, but - and it's a BIG BUT - the movie is so well produced in terms of filling it to overflowing with a genuinely GREAT cast, a bevy of unbelievably gorgeous babes and a screenplay that adheres to the formula perfectly, but throws in so many disgusting, nasty, jaw-dropping elements of utter moral putrescence that you'll constantly be in ever-increasing states of shock at just how foul and low a movie can go.

And frankly, it goes SO low, it's often a major laugh riot.

Here is where a barely competent director like Nicholas redeems himself - not as a camera jockey, but as a screenwriter. He is credited alongside one Vincent Mongol - an astounding nom-de-plume for a writer by the name of Aaron Butler, who decided to mask his given name in spite of the fact that he seems to be little more than a bit player and casting director so low on the totem pole of the movie industry, one wonders what he felt he needed to hide.

I first saw the film in one of the dankest, trashiest cinemas upon its first release in Winnipeg - a horrendous barn of a multiplex that was ALWAYS just a notch or two above a grindhouse (and still exists as a discount house and one of the few cinemas in downtown Winnipeg). The initial experience was laden with fond memories - sitting in the largest auditorium in the complex, I was surrounded by 500 drooling redneck 'Peggers adorned in plaid shirts, toques and armed with copious amounts of smuggled beers.

To say the audience was vocal would be a major understatement. This screening was not unlike sitting in the now-departed Tourist Hotel gentleman's club Teaser's in the lovely Francophone enclave of the Windy City - bonny St. Boniface - where fine fellows greedily slopped down hunks of ground beef and boiled potatoes drenched in watery gravy during the ever-popular "Business Man's Luncheon" wherein between bites, you quaffed a stubby of Extra Old Stock, hooted with gusto whilst a jamboree of scantily clad (and eventually buck naked) ladies strutted the stuff of womanhood, thrusting glorious depilated pudenda mere inches from your nose.

It's no wonder the inaugural audience was so infused with frenzied glee. Linda Blair, no longer a chubby teen, was now a chubby, amply-breasted young lady, but with a fine curriculum vitae of suffering - from The Exorcist (where she masturbated with a crucifix) through to the magnificent Born Innocent (where she is raped with a broom handle).

AND NOW, LINDA BLAIR IN AN ALL-FEMALE PRISON!!!

Linda Blair is a good girl. Linda Blair is innocent. Linda Blair is now incarcerated in a maximum security prison where the evil, corrupt warden (John Vernon) plies female inmates with booze, drugs and then has sex with them in his office hot tub, videotaping all his sexploits and keeping a huge DIY porn collection on hand for his edification. Many of these same women are bribed into being snitches for him and his head of security (Stella Stevens) who is in cahoots with a drug dealing prison employee (Henry Silva).

The entire plot follows the formula above and the movie is replete with rape, more rape, beatings, torture, rape, shower scenes, cat fights, more cat fights, rape, more shower scenes, sex (of a non-violent nature), a major riot and most importantly . . . a nude John Vernon in a hot tub with a bevy of buxom beauties.

The film is ultimately so morally reprehensible that it borders on surrealism. In fact, Chained Heat has no equals amongst the women in prison genre and is beaten hands-down by only one picture in film history, the notorious Ilsa: She-Wold of the S.S.

The VSC (Video Services Corp) "Third Strike" DVD is a must own collection. The other two films are a mixed bag: Red Heat is a ** (two-star) picture at best, but is worth seeing if only to witness Linda Blair duking it out with the gorgeous star of Emmanuelle, Sylvia Kristel. Jungle Warriors, a * (one-star) effort is worth seeing ONLY for the presence of John Vernon.

No matter. Chained Heat be in da house.

Ladies! Do your man a big favour. Shove this DVD in his Christmas stocking, let him force you to watch it after all the presents are open and then lie back as he performs his husbandly duties upon you in a manner that's guaranteed to induce multiple orgasms.

The CHAINED HEAT, RED HEAT, JUNGLE WARRIORS ("Third Strike" Deluxe 3-Movie DVD Collection from VSC) is the Christmas that keeps on giving - again and again and again.