I was walking through the parking garage outside Barnes & Noble, straight from six hours spent signing e-readers for my new eBook, “Kick,” when, out of nowhere, three dark figures somersaulted from the shadows, surrounding me.

As one, they drew their swords.

I smiled.

“Ah, cool,” I said. “Ninjas”

“That’s right, scribbler, we are Ninjas,” the head ninja said.

I could tell he was the leader because his outfit looked the coolest, and his mask had an uppercase “B” on it. After the stunning success of my five-day free promo at Amazon.com, through their KDP Select program, Big Publishing had sent these dark assassins to teach me a lesson.

“Hey, there’s a ‘B’ on you,” I said, pointing at him.

“What ‘B’?” the head Ninja said.

“That ‘B,’ on your head,” I said.

The head ninja’s eyes widened in sudden terror and, faster than a speeding Facebook Meme, his sword slashed upward, slicing the ‘B’ in two (twain?), embedding the sword four inches into his skull.

“Master!” one of the other two ninjas shouted, looking between his fallen master and me. “Noooo!”

“Why did you ask him that?” the one on the right shouted. “He is allergic to bees!”

“Well,” I said. “That’s good news then.”

“He’s dead, how can you say that?” the other one said.

I smiled and said, “He’s not allergic anymore.”

“You’ll pay for this, John L. Monk!”

“Yeah, you’ll totally pay–next time!”

Then they started walking away.

“Hey, there’s still two of you, what gives?” I called after them.

“He was our ride, asshole,” one of them said. “Now we gotta take the bus…”