I wasn’t sure of its origins. I found that it quickly took on a life of its own as a means of using gut-bustingly hilarious illiteracy and self-flagellation by Caucasians to make a snarky and sociological point. For example, did you know that white people invented racism? They also invented slavery, combovers, and grilled chicken. I learned all of this in the span of ten Twittering minutes.

The thought nestled and filed itself in the back of my mind, like most trivial things do. In my hunt for things to write about, I did what I always do: I surf the web. I look for things. I re-ran across the “Rape Checklist.” You remember that, right? Once upon a time, a batshit insane feminist named BitingBeaver wrote this up as a simple way for men to determine whether or not they were rapists. She both stated the obvious and included her own twisted views as authoritative information for picking out the patriarchy’s sex crimes of the against the sisterhood. Fun stuff to read if you’ve an ounce of common sense in your head. Fun fact: Anonymous fucked her shit up good over her comments on wishing she could have aborted her teenage son after he got busted tugging it to online porn.

It hit me like a taxicab driven by a disgruntled Middle Easterner on coke. What this polarized and divided country needs right now is a racism checklist. Accusing someone of racism is like giving them the scarlet letter. It’s a way to silence any opposition in an argument. It’s the method for delineating between the righteous and the filthy.

So here it is. I base this off everything I’ve ever heard about racism. Most of it, anyway. Some of it. OK, I’m making most of this up.

If you believe your skin color makes you automatically superior to another, you’re a racist.