The week leading up to the Heels in the Final Four is already so slooowww. How do you cope?

-DMFG Fan

Honestly? Not well. I think it would be a lot easier if I were consistently around other fans anymore, but I’m not. It’s like everyone around me is unaware anything’s even happening. When the Heels are in the Final Four, that should be the only thing anyone around me cares about, but folks in Va Beach have the audacity to think Russian space rockets and the weird-ass climate are more appropriate topics of conversation. I can’t handle it. I just keep shouting out “Final Four!” like it’s a tourettes tic because I have no outlet for it.

Oh, to feel this good again...

All I got is one guy who comes to the B & N who’s a huge Carolina fan. We always chat it up for like ten minutes while I tell everybody in line behind him to “just calm the f— down, this is important if you don’t want me to take a March Madness sh!! all over your frappuccinos.”

My friend Josh first alerted me to this phenomenon for kind of strange reasons. Recently, a particularly bizarre occurrence has me thinking that I may be experiencing precognitive dreams. Or, at the very least, I’ve had one. In addition, the mythology surrounding my latest script involves a bright flash of light that is seen by a multitude of people, striking them with such confusion that it leads to a final, devastating global war.

So naturally, Josh informs me of the great flash of light seen by a multitude of now greatly confused people, suggesting perhaps it’s related to the scenario that spilled forth from my mind many months ago. And we had a good laugh.

Then I hung up the phone and freaked out, believing that I might be living in a Nicholas Cage movie. And that I might be playing the Nicholas Cage role.

Fortunately, officials have come out to say very confidently that it was a rocket booster from a Russian space shuttle falling to earth. Wait, did I say “fortunately”? Because that is not comforting. First, it reeks of cover-up bullshit. And even if it didn’t, it’s still pretty unsettling. Oh! No worries, guys! Just a rocket booster falling from outer space down towards your homes.

I choose to believe it’s still a mystery, leaving open the possibility that soon we’ll all be so confounded by our bouts with extreme temporal schizophrenia that someone will accidentally sit on the Red Button. Getcher shelters ready.

It’s Monday morning, which is a hard thing to like, but… Cookout weather is finally starting to emerge for good, the Heels are going back to the Final Four, and the Gaslight Anthem is tickling your speakers. So, there’s really plenty to like about today.