And the ESCANDALOS (not really) from The News of the World phone hacking trial just keep coming….

A few days ago, Jude Law testified about how he got into a brawl of words over the phone with Daniel Craig when he found out that Daniel was wet humping on his girlfriend at the time Sienna Miller. Former News of the World reporter Dan Evans also previously testified that he hacked into Daniel Craig’s voicemail and heard Sienna tell Daniel that she loves him. Today in court, the Daily Mail says that Dan admitted that in 2004, he intercepted a message that Daniel Craig left on Kate Moss’ voicemail. Dan told the court that in the voicemail, Daniel Craig said:

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

There was a rumor that Daniel and Kate were fucking each other in 2004, but it was never really confirmed.

Damn. Those Primrose Hill whores passing each other around. When Daniel Craig was licking on Sienna Miller he was also licking up Jude Law’s peen juices and when Kate Moss was licking on Daniel Craig’s peen she was also licking up Sienna Miller’s coochie juices. That weird sensation in my stomach isn’t from the three-day-old bean burrito I just ate. It’s the warm feeling of jealousy. But what’s really gross is that they were telling each other “I love you.” Why did they have to ruin their hot fuck times with “I love you”? It must’ve been the coke talking.

The true definition of friendship Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart celebrated everything together from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s and here they are looking forty five kinds of stoned while holding a ball together. These international treasures need their own greeting card line! You know, looking at these two hold a ball together makes me think that physicals wouldn’t be so bad if these two were holding onto your nustack while telling you to cough. I’d have a physical every day!

And it took me a while to figure out that they’re holding the wrong kind of football (or are us Americans playing football with the wrong ball?). Speaking of bowls, heaven is smoking a bowl with these two while watching the only game that matters: the Puppy Bowl.

I watch way too much HSN and QVC, which explains why my brains probably look like a mound of mashed cauliflower with dead flies stuck in it, so when I read the movie news of the year last night, I pulled all my Huggable Hangers out of my closet, threw them on the floor and rolled around on them while screaming “YAAAAASSSS!” Hollywood is finally doing what’s right by making a biopic about HSN superstar and the second most important inventor of all time (after the inventor of anal beads, of course) Joy Mangano! Today the Joy Mangano biopic, tomorrow the Vince ShamWow biopic starring Johnny Knoxville.

Because Jennifer Lawrence made a pact with the devil to star in every movie that David O. Russell does, she’s thinking about starring in the Joy Mangano biopic and he’s in talks to direct it and rewrite the script which was written by Annie Mumolo who co-wrote Bridesmaids. Deadline says that the Joy Mangano biopic (yes, we’re living in a world where the Huggable Hangers movie is happening) will follow her from single working mother trying to pay the bills to household product mogul. Joy was working three jobs to support her three kids when she invented the Miracle Mop, which she sold locally in Long Island before taking it to QVC. Joy also invented Huggable Hangers, HSN’s biggest-selling product of all-time. This movie is going to be Jennifer Lawrence’s Erin Brockovich, so it brings her even closer to becoming the new Julia Roberts.

As much as I think that what the world really needs right now is a Joy Mangano biopic, this sounds like a boring disaster. Once again, David O. Russell is getting his main boo to play a role that is way too old for her ass. If he directed the Golden Girls movie, he’d cast Jennifer Lawrence as Sophia. The Joy Mangano biopic deserves better. It should be produced by Lifetime and star Susan Lucci, because together they would create a dramatic masterpiece worthy of the American treasure who invented Huggable Hangers.

But I’d be all for David O. Russell’s version if he cast Maya Rudolph as my favorite HSN host Shannon Smith.

Yes, I know the HSN hosts by name and I have a favorites. In case you didn’t already know, I am a 300-pound cat lady spinster trapped in the body a skinny fat gay.

No, you’re not looking at a still from Tim Burton’s future remake of Disney’s Maleficent, where Maleficent is played by a sans-fards Winona Ryder, Sleeping Beauty is played by Amber Heard (because that bitch could teach a master class in acting like you’re falling asleep), and Johnny Depp plays the prince, the 3 fairies, the voice of the dragon, and the man who reminds you that Tim Burton can no longer be trusted to make good movies.

The crazy thing is, what I just described isn’t so far-fetched. According to Radar Online, Winona used to think about the idea of reuniting with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton for a film and get the same tinglies she used to get every time she’d wear her extra-large stealin’ coat to Saks, but NOT ANYMORE! Ever since Johnny left his long-term girlfriend and baby mama, Vanessa Paradis, for 27-year-old Amber, Wino’s feelings for Jack Sparrow have been downgraded from ‘We cool’ to ‘No bitch, we ain’t cool’:

“The way he conducted that affair really upset Winona and turned her off to Johnny,” the insider said.

“The thing she especially can’t stand is how all of Johnny’s middle-aged friends, even Tim Burton, are cheering this relationship on like it’s appropriate, when Winona is telling her own friends that it’s absolutely not.

“She’s pulled a 180 on her opinion of Johnny and his cronies because she thinks it’s a sad cliché that he’d dump his long-term baby mama for a woman in her twenties.”

I guess she’s never seen this chart tracking how Johnny Depp keeps getting older but his on-screen love interests stay around the same age (how David Wooderson of you, Johnny). Here’s why she shouldn’t take their relationship that seriously: Statistics have shown there’s like a 90% guarantee that if you’re a rich dude turning 50, you’re going to wake up one morning with the overwhelming desire to leave your wife and find something young and dumb to stick your dick in. Then, after 6-12 months of having to listen to the same goddamn story about “This one time, at Coachella…” they finally realize they’ve made a terrible mistake, pack up her High School Musical overnight bag, and send her home. Winona needs to understand that she’s no longer dealing with her friend Johnny; Johnny’s gone away for a while, and his mid-life crisis is now in charge.

Well, I guess my one signature petition to get Zack Snyder to cast videobomber vigilante Jim Cantore as Lex Luthor went directly into the shredder, because Warner Bros. announced today that Jesse Eisenberg will take a Flowbee and a pair of clippers to his glorious field of curls to play Superman’s forever rival. Zack Snyder’s still proving that whenever he casts a new role in that Superman vs. Batman mess, he asks himself, “What is going to make the entire internet explode into a tornado of FUCK YOUs?”

Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the only ho who just signed on for that future wreck, which will have every single DC character in it. Son marrierJeremy Irons is going to play Alfred. Here’s what Zack had to say about Lex Luthor and Alfred:

“Lex Luthor is often considered the most notorious of Superman’s rivals, his unsavory reputation preceding him since 1940. What’s great about Lex is that he exists beyond the confines of the stereotypical nefarious villain. He’s a complicated and sophisticated character whose intellect, wealth and prominence position him as one of the few mortals able to challenge the incredible might of Superman. Having Jesse in the role allows us to explore that interesting dynamic, and also take the character in some new and unexpected directions.

As everyone knows, Alfred is Bruce Wayne’s most trusted friend, ally and mentor, a noble guardian and father figure. He is an absolutely critical element in the intricate infrastructure that allows Bruce Wayne to transform himself into Batman. It is an honor to have such an amazingly seasoned and gifted actor as Jeremy taking on the important role of the man who mentors and guides the guarded and nearly impervious façade that encapsulates Bruce Wayne.”

Jesse Eisenberg perfectly played a spoiled elitist billionaire asshole in The Social Network, so he’ll probably be a perfect Lex Luthor. Ben Affleck is almost as big as The Hammaconda and Henry Cavill is even bigger, so I can’t wait to see Lex Luthor have to stand on four apple crates and a stack of phone books to spit threats at Batman and Superman’s faces.

Zack Snyder’s random casting choices keep making the internet melt down, so I hope he keeps bringing the fuckery and I’ll keep laughing until he does something really ILLEGAL like casting Goopy Paltrow as Catwoman.