gene went through it. "Yeah, well," he said. "Thanks yourself." At the landing he turned back to me. "Have a good one," he called up. I WENT back inside and put some eggs on to boil. Then I twirled slowly, making the stripes on the robe flare. How on earth had I forgotten but- ter? The eggs were good, though. I enjoyed them. After breakfast I rooted around and found a pail and sponges. It made me sad that I van had let the apartment get so filthy. He used to enjoy taking care of things. Then I sat down with a mystery I found on a shelf, and by the time I van walked in, late in the after- noon, I'd almost finished it. '''Looks great in here," he said after he kissed me. "I did some cleaning," I said. "That's great," he said. I thought of my own apartment. There would be a lot to do when I got home. "Jesus. Am I exhausted! That was some trip." "How's Gary?" I said. "Well, he was running a little fever when I got there, but he's fine now," I van said. "Good," I said. "Did he like his presents? " "Uh-huh." Ivan smiled. "Particu- larly that game that the marble rolls around in. He and I both got pretty good at it after the first few hundred hours. " "I liked that one, too," I said. "He's a good kid, " Ivan said. "He really is. I just hope Linda doesn't make him into some kind of nervous wreck. " "How's she doing?" I asked. "Well, she's al1 right, I think. She's trying to get a life together for herself at least. She's getting a degree in dance therapy." "That's good," 1 said. "She'll be O.K. if she can just get over her dependency," he said. "I'll be interested to see how she does with this new thing." He would be monitoring her closely, I knew. What a tight family they had established, Ivan and Linda-not much room for anyone else. Of course, Gary and I had our own small parts in it. I'd probably been quite important in fencing out, oh, Micheline, for in- stance, just as Gary had been indis- pensable in fencing me out. "Hey," Ivan said. "Who's been sit- ting in my chair?" He bent down and picked up a scarf. "Someone named Eugene stopped r 43 (;;;;;;: / '\ é lf "W ould you mind standing over here? Seeing you just floating there gives me the creeps." . by," I said. "He said you owed him money." "Jesus. That's right," Ivan said. "Well, I'll get around to it in the next day or so." "1 took care of it myself," I said. "Really? Well, thanks. That's great. I'll reimburse you. Sorry you had to deal with him, though." "I liked him," I said. "You did?" Ivan said. "You like him enough to do busi- ness with him," I said. "Yeah, I know I should be more compassionate," Ivan said. "It's just that he's so hard to take." "Is any of that stuff true that he says?" I asked. "That he shot some guy? That he lived in the jungle?" "Shot some guy? I don't know. He has a pretty extensive fantasy life. But he fought in the war, yeah." "0 h," I said. "I see. J ungle- Viet- nam." "I keep forgetting, " Ivan said. "You're really just a baby." "That must have been awful," I said. "Well, he could have gotten out of it if he didn't want to do it," Ivan said. . "He probably thought it was a good thing to do," I said. "Besides, people can't arrange their lives exactly the way they'd like to." "I disagree," Ivan said. "People only ]ike to think they can't." "Y ou know," I said, trying to recall the events of the day before, "I was having some sort of conversation with a butcher about that yesterday." "A butcher?" Ivan said. "Yes," I said. "And, as I remember, he was saying something to the effect that people are only free to the extent that they recognize the boundaries of their lives " "Sounds pretty grim, " Ivan said. "And pretty futile." "Not exactly futile," I said. "At least, I think his point was that If I know that over here is where I'm standing, well, that's what gives rise to the consciousness that over there is where you're standing, and automati- cally I get a map, a compass. So my situation-no matter how bad it is-is my source of power." "Well, " Ivan said. "That's a very dangerous way of thinking, because it's just that point of view that can be used to rationalize a lot of selfishness