Very Mary-Kate / Raise Your Hand

Script

Very Mary-Kate: Raise Your Hand

By Elaine Carroll

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
FAT PROFESSOR addresses the class.
PROFESSOR
So that's what we'll be covering
this semester. Now are there any
questions?
MARY-KATE enters.
MARY-KATE
Sorry I'm late.
PROFESSOR
NO.
MARY-KATE
Fat professor!
(looking him up and down)
We have to stop eating like this.
PROFESSOR
No, no, no. I don't accept this.
It's been a fine summer. You are
bad for my well-being.
MARY-KATE
Don't worry. It'll be like I'm not
even here.
Suddenly, HELICOPTER NOISES.
HELICOPTER VOICE
Mary-Kate, did you get in okay?
MARY-KATE
Yes! Can you hear me?! Everyone
yell yes!
STUDENTS
Yes! She's here! She got in! Etc.
PROFESSOR
Oh my God stop.
The classroom settles.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Now. Where was I just now?
MARY-KATE
IHOP? A booth by yourself? Sad, in
sadness?
PROFESSOR
I remember. Are there any
questions?
MARY-KATE
I have a question.
PROFESSOR
Raise your hand.
She raises her hand.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Mary-Kate.
MARY-KATE
Why do I have to raise my hand?
PROFESSOR
Because it's polite. Now are there
any other questions?
MARY-KATE
(hand still raised)
Why is it polite?
PROFESSOR
Raise your hand.
MARY-KATE
But my hand is raised.
PROFESSOR
Raise it again. Put it down. Down.
Now raise it again.
She does.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Fine. Mary-Kate.
MARY-KATE
Do I have to do that every time? My
blood leaves my arm and my hand
falls asleep.
PROFESSOR
Yes you do.
She does it again.
PROFESSOR
(loudly)
NO!
MARY-KATE
But I have a question!
PROFESSOR
No!
MARY-KATE
Ready?
PROFESSOR
No!
MARY-KATE
Here it is: can you really say no
to a question?
PROFESSOR
YES!
MARY-KATE
But you answered that one.
PROFESSOR
I... That isn't a question!
MARY-KATE
That's why I didn't raise my hand.
PROFESSOR
That's it! I hereby ban you from
asking questions! No matter what
you ask, hand raised or unraised,
it will not be answered.
LIMOR raises her hand.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Yes, Limor.
LIMOR
(reading from phone)
She's wondering if she can text her
questions to-
PROFESSOR
No! No texting. Nate.
NATE
(reading from phone)
Even if they're super legitsies?
PROFESSOR
Nate, you are banned as well!
Jeremy!
JEREMY
(reading from phone)
Nate is wondering how that's fair.
PROFESSOR
Okay! No texting questions to each
other!
The professor's phone starts bleeping. He takes it out and
throws it on the ground.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
No texting questions to me!
EVERYONE raises their hand.
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
No more questions from anyone in
this room!
Helicopter noises.
HELICOPTER VOICE
Professor? Mary-Kate is just
wondering why you're so fat.
PROFESSOR
I... HOW?! HOW?!
MARY-KATE
Uh, uh, uh. Raise your hand.
END.