Monthly Archives: November 2015

A 76-year old pensioner, who popped out to Tesco for a few goods, was presumed dead after he failed to return home within six hours, resulting in a minute’s silence being observed for Leo Tally at a GAA friendly between Strabane and Urney.

The mistake was made after his wife of 49 years, Betty Tally, told neighbours he was ‘probably dead’ after he hadn’t returned due to the fact that he hated shops, spending money and big crowds, especially in the run up to Christmas. Mrs Tally has since said she was only codding and didn’t really mean for the local team’s manager to believe her.

The minute silence was interrupted when a spectator shouted:

“Sure that’s Leo Tally standing over there in the red raincoat”

whilst pointing at Tally who was also observing the minute silence, having missed who it was actually for.

Tally, a local playing legend from the 1960s, added:

“I was at Tesco for ages because everything I wanted to buy was on offer, 3 for the price of 2, so I ended up buying 3 of everything I wanted. That was about 120 items.”

Although Tally returned home before heading out to the game, his wife neglected to tell him she had informed others of his untimely passing.

“At first I was laughing about it but when I think back, I’m a bit annoyed that there were a few lads sniggering away during my minute silence and some were eating mineral and crisps. I’ll be having a word.

Strabane GAA have issued an apology to Mr Tally but reassured him that when he does die they’ll make sure everyone observes the silence perfectly.

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Witnesses have described the Black Friday carnage at a well known Coalisland fast food establishment as ‘sheer madness’ and ‘total bedlam’ after a deal on the sausage supper and a can of Lilt set pulses in the town racing.

The supper meal deal, which normally costs £4.99, was reduced to £3.99 for one day only, with a cowboy supper slashed from £5.99 to £5.20.

Before doors opened at 9am, an estimated 44 people were already shouldering each other in order to gain prime position for the charge to the counter. Although several calls were made to the PSNI to monitor the crowd before the opening by concerned town residents, authorities failed to appear with one police source reportedly saying ‘Coalisland? Are you serious?’

One regular punter, who was interviewed with a damaged sausage balancing delicately on his shoulder, revealed:

“Landi’s should have known better. I was in simply to get a bag of fish goujons for breakfast but ended up on the floor wrestling with a cousin over a portion of beans I didn’t even want. When the hurling sticks were produced I decided to give up the ghost but was still hit on the head with a severely battered sausage.”

Estimates suggest over 260 hungry customers were crammed into the premises at 9:30. Shortly after, a mini-riot commenced after owners admitted there was no Lilt left, with many refusing the offer of a free 7-Up.

“When the message was relayed about the Lilt, people lost it. The till was smashed and people were chanting things like ‘you can shove your Fanta up yer hole’ and stuff like that. This meal deal was an ill-advised decision.”

Early reports also suggest there were skirmishes just off the Tamnamore roundabout after a roadside strawberry vendor refused to reduce any of his prices for Black Friday.

In what has been described as a raucous courtroom, Moy mechanic Raymmie Keogh was sentenced to 6 months in Maghaberry after he was caught by police climbing through an open window of his own house with a bag of goods from his own living room.

Keogh, who had been drinking in a local establishment for 6 hours whilst celebrating his wife’s 50th birthday, maintains he was confused and drunk when he decided to burgle his own house after leaving the party earlier than his family.

Although Keogh’s legal team concentrated on the ludicrous nature of the accusation, the Omagh judge remained unconvinced and sentenced the Moy man because of his criminal intentions.

During his cross-examination, Keogh maintained:

“There’s not one man or woman in this building who hasn’t burgled or thought of burgling after a lock of pints,”

which was greeted with gasps and a determined denial with the shaking of heads from the judge and jury. Keogh explained further:

“When the taxi left me off at my place I was in no fit state to know it was my house and couldn’t even remember how I got there, even as the taxi sped off. So I saw that a window was left open, climbed in and lifted everything not nailed down in the living room, threw it into a Lidl bag and made off down the road again.”

Keogh was apprehended after he sobered up and returned home again only to find the police waiting with an identification, given to them by the taxi driver, matching his description. The driver also said he sang ‘A Nation Once Again’ throughout the journey, a signature tune in the mechanic’s repertoire. He admitted it probably was him after he vaguely recalled leaving a bag of goods outside the off-licence in the village.

In summing up, Judge Boyle said:

“I’ve never heard of a man burgling his own house. But the intention was there to do wrong. The fact that it’s his own home is neither here nor there,”

before slamming his hammer.

Mrs Keogh failed to bail out her husband. She has also claimed off her insurance for the missing goods despite the fact that the bag is still sitting outside the off-licence.

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Adele has admitted her world has been slightly rocked after it emerged today that her single ‘Hello’ is to be challenged for the Christmas Number One spot.

Malachi Cush, who wooed the country when he appeared on the BBC’s Fame Academy and sang ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘Vincent’, is said to be recording a song which record producers maintain will ‘wipe the floor’ with the award winning songstress from London.

Named ‘How’s She Cuttin?’, the song coincidentally happens to be along the same lines of Adele’s ‘Hello’, telling the tale of going to the shop in Donaghmore and seeing a girl he’s been after for years but finds it hard to strike up a conversation.

Tyrone Tribulations managed to get their hands on some of the opening lyrics which confirms Cush is speaking from the heart:

How’s she cutting?

This is me.

I’ve just popped out to get

A pan loaf and some Rich Tea

Although Adele is currently selling 20’000 units of the song per week, music experts reckon sales of Cush’s song in Bangkok and Thailand will see the Country and Western star romp home.

Louis Walsh was particularly taken with the lyrics:

Cush nails it. Going to the shop for some errands and bumping into a girl from up with road who’s a far out cousin but you’ve had the eye for her for years is a real tear-jerker. It’s a classic mid-Ulster tale.

Our source also revealed that Cush has recorded ‘Rolling In The Sheep Dip’ for the B Side which appears to be a direct challenge to his new rival.

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The gruesome townland of Galbally was rocked yesterday when local girl, Maisie McGarrell, fell to her knees outside the Vivo after she spotted the face of 1980s Blonde Adonis Plunkett Donaghy on a potato.

Having innocently felt the weight of several bags of Kerr’s Pinks in preparation for feeding her extended family of 32, McGarrell let out an unmerciful scream, yelling “sweet mother of Jaysus, isn’t it Plunkett” and fell to the ground in convulsions.

“I thought she’d been robbed again”, said the shopkeeper from Pakistan, “She’s an awful hoor for leavin her purse on the counter besides the Kerr’s”.

The Parish Priest, Fr Dinsmore, arrived at the scene soon after and demanded that Mr Ahmed clear out all his stock and replace it with moving statues of Plunkett Donaghy, candles and rosary beads. It was soon pointed out to Fr Dinsmore that Donaghy was…

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Players from the Windmill club in Tyrone are said to be living in daily fear after their new manager gave each player a poster with his face on it, staring at them at all times in their own homes in an initiative he calls ‘Operation 1984’.

The poster, which has to be placed in the living-room beside the TV, is said to have moving eyes, giving the impression that their boss is monitoring their every word, munch and sip.

A player who wished to remain anonymous, described the culture of claustrophobia and bullying currently enveloping the senior team:

“Joe Brolly recently talked about elitism and a lack of fun. Well, he’s only treading the tip of the iceberg. Down here in the Windmill, we’re on a completely different level. I’m sure I heard the poster say something like ‘no’ when I opened a can of Harp during Strictly Come Dancing. I just poured it down the sink in case I’m dropped for the league next year.”

Another player who goes by the name of ‘Hulk’ added to the evidence of intimidation:

“I’m sure this thing can see into your mind. The wife was giving me the eyes and I’m sure I heard the poster say ‘that won’t be happening, lad’. I’m this close to pulling down the poster but I’m not giving up that full back position.”

The Windmill manager, who retired from teaching in 1988 after to failing to adopt to the new corporal punishment law, maintains the poster of him staring out is simply a method of bonding and camaraderie:

“These lads are paranoid. Sure how could there be 20 pairs of my eyes watching their every move. I’m all for the relaxing of draconian conditions put on club players by uptight managers and even as recently as yesterday I told the players that they’re allowed to eat one Yorkie bar or something similar once a month. If that’s not anti-elitism then I don’t know what is.”

Meanwhile, the Derrylaughan senior panel for 2016 was confirmed last night after a series of bleep tests, blood tests, personality tests, lie-detector tests, urine samples and forensic examination of hair follicles analysed. Currently they have 4 players confirmed in the hope that a re-test next week will see a better return.

Scenes of utter chaos and confusion erupted last Friday night after Seamus “Bullnuts” O’Neill admitted to his close friends that he didn’t know anyone who had died this week in the Dungannon area.

Bullnuts, who was squinting under the discos lights in the front bar of Hagan’s when he made the revelation, has vowed to read the Irish News obituary notices more rigorously in future in order to avoid further embarrassment.

A local of the town for nearly 40 years, his friends were reportedly distraught and disgusted that he had let himself go so badly and was also unable to produce any knowledge of anyone lifted by the PSNI since Easter.

The disgust and torrent of accusations at the time were so raucous that “Rock Me Mama” was turned down and an Irish News was produced to see if O’Neill knew any dead locals at all and how they died.

A kangaroo court was quickly constructed but unfortunately Buller couldn’t identify one name in it, blaming bad lighting and the drink. The final straw was when Seamus confessed that he didn’t even know one person who had a terminal illness and likely to die in the next 5 weeks.

An ex-friend admitted:

“He couldn’t even say who was being waited on. I’ve never seen someone so out of touch with local bereavements and illnesses. This is the backbone of our community. If we didn’t talk about who’d died or was ill, it’d just be football and maybe the weather.”

The bouncers quickly grabbed him and ousted him from the bar before an atmosphere of positivity developed.

He was last seen loitering outside south Tyrone hospital looking into car windows as people arrived.

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The Castlederg Met Office have issued a BROWN warning tonight which indicates housewives and modern househusbands should get the clothes on the line overnight as it’ll be a deadly night for drying with Hurricane Abigail approaching.

Farmers are also urged to cut any overlooked hay as it’ll be bone dry in the morning and ready for lifting.

Strabane woman Nuala McIlhinney revealed she’ll have everything on the line tonight:

“I’d be a woman who doesn’t buy new undergarments that much so the stuff I wear wouldn’t be in great shape. I wouldn’t be seen dead hanging them out normally. But in pure darkness I can dry the whole lot in the West Tyrone air without a care in the world.”

Strabane Council have reminded people that the 10-pieces-of-underwear rule which exists in the town is now suspended following the BROWN warning.

Old people have been urged to stay indoors after five pensioners were reportedly spotted sailing through the air over Plumbridge around 6pm after coming out of bingo. One has landed already near Lissan.

Young people have also been warned not to make faces into the wind as they might stay like that.

Moygashel locals are said to be bewildered that they were not consulted over a proposed name change in honour of the 100th anniversary of the 1916 Easter Rising next year.

The Moygashel Concern Group are to hold a candlelit prayer session tomorrow night beside the War Memorial in the hope that the decision will be reversed before they are forced to resort to wrecking.

The Northern Ireland Place-Naming Cabinet maintain it is the correct decision and a real hands-across-the-divide gesture. Spokesman Harriet Herman added:

“Once we settled on Moygashel as a location, we had to decide what to call it. After several votes, we whittled it down to two options – Maigh gCaisil or Patrick Pearseland. The was the fact that the Irish sounds just like the anglicised version that swung it for us. We just need to educate the locals on how to nasally pronounce the second bit. Sure it’s only for a year.”

Moygashel Young Defenders drummer Billy Rooney is sceptical about the decision:

“This is just the start of it. We went for a long drive last Sunday and went through a place called ‘Eglish’. I’ve lived here for 61 years and I’m pretty sure it was always called ‘English’. They’re sneaking their language in by stealth. But we’re not stupid.”

Meanwhile, plans to rename the Moygashel Playpark ‘The Joseph Plunkett Slides and SeeSaw Park’ have been put on the back burner for now.

A 12-year old schoolboy, who ran onto the field after Trillick’s County Final win over Killyclogher, told victorious player Mattie Donnelly ‘naw it’s alright’ after Donnelly offered to give him his winner’s medal.

John McCaughey, who claims he only ran on the pitch to get his tissue which blew onto the field of play, was third-man tackled by a gang of linesmen who thought he was probably up to no good.

McCaughey claims he would have told the New Zealand player Sonny Bill Williams, who offered his medal to a fan after the rugby World Cup, the exact same thing:

“I’m being called ungrateful and spoilt but sure what the hell would I want with an oul bit of metal that had nothing to do with me. Sure it’s like someone buying an ice-lolly and handing you the wrapper. It would probably only be worth a fiver on eBay anyway and what would a fiver get you now?”

It was initially reported that Killyclogher’s Mark Bradley, who witnessed the incident, told Donnelly that he’d take the medal if young McCaughey didn’t want it, to which Donnelly replied “you will in your bollocks”. On further investigation this does not appear to be totally true.

Meanwhile, rumours that Trillick are to declare for Fermanagh this week are refusing to go away. The village, which straddles the Tyrone/Fermanagh border, has often been described as a Fermanagh settlement in all but name, with many of the locals displaying Fermanaghesque tendencies such as looking sad and saying ‘as wide as a duck’s arse’ as well as labelling everything a ‘yoke’.

Trillick’s opponents next week, Scotstown, have asked Trillick to decide soon whether they’re from Tyrone or Fermanagh as it changes their game preparations entirely.

Local spy Sean McGrinny maintains he has discovered a resurgence of the Irish language in Tyrone, after a series of damning incidents.

“I wasn’t originally researching this” admitted Sean. “I had been out investigating something else and was annoyed when I drove to my sister’s house in Omagh for a break only to find that my parking spot was taken even though she’s put up a sign for me saying “strictly no parking at any time”.

McGrinny continued:

“I’d waited angrily for 5 minutes pondering what to do when I noticed the culprit sneaking back to his car so I leapt out and challenged him as to why he had parked there. His angry reply showed a poor command of English. He kept calling me a horse and asking was I off my face. When I shook him and asked if he couldn’t speak proper English I distinctly heard the words “Pog mo Thon” which I remember from school means ‘kiss my ass’ in Irish.”

Undeterred, he pondered:

“It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps he’d ignored the sign as his main language was Irish so I let go off the scruff of his neck, yet not being given to rushed conclusions I simply deposited this piece of information in my brain and decided to keep an eye out for corroborating evidence. I hadn’t long to wait for the following morning I was dandering through Omagh town centre mulling things over in my head when I noticed a sign for an alcohol free zone where it clearly warned it was an offence to consume beer on the street and yet I saw a man sitting on the pavement playing a stirring and emotional rendition of the Mountains of Pomeroy on a tin whistle with a lovely can beside him.”

As things began to fall into place, McGrinny unearthed further evidence:

“A wee bit later I found myself at the bus depot. I was intending to use the toilets but as often happens in Omagh there was a sign saying closed for cleaning. Then a young bearded man walked up, stared uncomprehendingly at the sign and started to bang on the toilet door. I could tell from his dress and demeanour that he was a local man and not a foreign national yet everything he shouted was unintelligible except for a few words that sounded like ‘Jesus Christ’.”

As ever, McGrinny weighed up the information, using his experience:

“To the civilian ear this might have sounded like English but to the trained ear, i.e. my ear, it wasn’t, for as a spy I know that some names don’t vary much from language to language. When I’m next in the Free State I’m determined to go to mass somewhere to test this theory.”

The more I research my theory the more truth I can see in it. Everywhere that I see an order written in English alone I see bearded Tyrone looking men disobeying it. Take your pick of people walking on the grass; dropping litter; letting their dogs foul on footpaths, not giving way in their cars etc etc.

As a result of my discovery I am publically calling on the council to get rid of its policy of English only signs.”

Mrs McGrinny weighed in:

“Some people may think my Sean just wants to see bilingual signs go up since he’s a republican” said Sean’s wife. “What utter dung! The other night we were going through a protestant part of Dungannon and saw men dropping cigarette butts where it clearly said no litter. These men were not Irish speakers but most likely speakers of Ulster Scots and as a typical non-sectarian Republican, Sean’s message to the government will be to face up to reality and erect trilingual signs all over Tyrone”.

‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.

Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all

Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep…

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The family of a 71-year old grandmother confirmed she’ll never be invited to their Hallowe’en party again after a series of calculated moves to win every party game including putting a magnet in her mouth as well as slobbering into the apple-bobbing bowl.

Margaret O’Flynn, who has over 50 grandchildren, was caught cheating red-handed when she accidentally coughed up a magnet after winning the ‘guess the apple pie slice with 20p in it’ game EIGHT times in succession. Her daughter, Linda (44), added:

“She was sniffing every slice really up close but we just thought she had some kind of elderly 6th sense. Little did we know she had a horseshoe magnet in her mouth and it was moving any time she hovered over the 20p. My children were fairly pissed off after her 5th win in a row.”

Mrs O’Flynn proceeded to ruin the apple-bobbing game by demanding to go first and then coughing, spluttering and retching into the bowl, causing children to opt out of the game every time a new bowl was set up.

“Not only that, but she had her dentures re-set earlier that day so that her mouth opened twice as wide as a normal person’s mouth. There were times she was able to fit THREE apples in it at the one time. No one stood a chance!”

O’Flynn is not a stranger to ruining children’s parties. In 1998 she exposed Santa Claus as her second cousin during his stint at the local Fintona Youth Club by yanking his beard off him as he arrived on stage and calling him a ‘miserable tramp‘, referring to a long-standing family feud over access to a field.