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Thursday, May 26, 2011

everything made Centrifugal pt. 3

After I hung up with my conversation with Megan, I couldn't concentrate.

I just kept thinking about when I was applying, I prayed with all my might that if God wanted me at Fuge, I would get the job offer. That may seem like a weird thing to say, but sometimes things happen, and it's hard to discern what we're supposed to do. At that time, I was so desperate for clarity. I wanted out of this job and to be on the foreign mission field. I knew, though, that due to past sins and deeply desiring to honor God in paying back the debts I owe, I was going to have to stay on mission at home.

Regarding my current job, something wasn't sitting right in my heart. I was antsy, and as time progressed, I realized that a lot of it was me being ungrateful and selfish. I couldn't justify that I was honoring God in this job. I couldn't see the benefit of being pushed around by clients, a demanding job, and a boss who (I thought) didn't really care for me or my work. It's all about me, right? See where the selfish desires are surfacing? Never mind that God might be trying to work on me, my boss, or some clients. If I didn't feel right, I was out of place. Funny thing, though. If God wanted me somewhere else, He'd send me.

And, He did. He answered my prayers. Of course, a lot of new anxieties started surfacing. (I get more and more anxious the less and less I read the Word and seek Him.) How am I going to tell my boss about this summer? What if I can't handle this new position? What if my passion doesn't translate to the students, adults, and fellow staffers? WHAT IF [insert anything that can go wrong here]?

God answered a desperate plea in a huge way, and I thank Him by being anxious. It's a wonder He doesn't smite me. I really do have to laugh at myself. My own anxieties are a reminder of Him and His gracious love and patience. When I ponder that, I desire Him more, and I realize how things are so perfectly orchestrated.

He's beautiful, and His story is evident in this story. I'm grateful for this process. I hope as I continue to tell this story that you will see Him and not me. You'll understand the title of this series of posts soon enough, too. I hope you fall in love with my fellow staffers so that you can pray for them like I do. I hope you fall in love more and more with our Creator because you can see where He is strong where I am weak.

Then, I called Megan, and told her, "I'm in." Yes, those were my exact words.