Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Good grief, I am all sorts of sleepy. Sleepy doesn't really even cover it. I think its closer to exhaustion, but not quite. Fascinating stuff, I know. I just can't figure out why I am so tired. I've been like this since last week. I'm wondering if its stress. In fact, I'm betting on the stress. I finally got another job. Which is a relief in some ways, but in other ways its terrifying as its commission based at the moment. So as long as I'm able to be persuasive and authoritative and basically force doctors to send back the paperwork I need them to send back, I'll be ok. But I am relying on DOCTORS OFFICES as a source of income. I have a hard enough time getting them to do what I need done when I'm the patient, let alone when I'm calling on behalf of a company that shares the same patient. And speaking of doctor's calling me back, mine have yet to call me back to let me know when I have to do all my pre-op stuff. And the fact that I don't know when it is, is stressing me out. They told me when my surgery was scheduled for, but without having those other appointments made as well, I feel like I'm going to call the week before my surgery to find out what's up, only to find out there will be no surgery. I called yesterday morning to make sure my pre-ops weren't still going to be this week, and she assured me they weren't but couldn't tell me when they would be!!! Frustrating! And then the whole surgery thing
itself
is stressful. What if they don't find anything? I KNOW that something has to be wrong. There's too much going on symptom wise for there not to be anything wrong. (Oh, there will be symptom descriptions later on for those of you that don't gross out easily at the TMI) But what if they can't find it? Or what if they find A LOT of endo. Like, the endo has eaten all my organs, and there's nothing they can do? And then of course I'm worried that I'll require another surgery, as my doctor is only able to handle endo up to certain stages. So if its advanced, I'll have to do it all over again with another doctor. And then I start thinking about it, and freak out and get all morbid, and am like, what if I have a reaction to the anesthesia? What if it kills me? What if I go in for a simple outpatient procedure and never come out? What will Mark do? What will my mom do? Dear God, what will my dogs do??!! Overly dramatic, yes, but hell.

Ok, enough with the sleepy/stress/freak out talk. I have bigger fish to fry. And that nasty, stinky, slutty fish is none other than Kim Kardashian (again). Now I am going to add big fat (ok, she's not fat, but still...) freaking liar to my description of her. It seems that in order to make her pregnancy more socially acceptable and to garnish more attention, said attention WHORE is lying and saying that her pregnancy was shocking because she has infertility issues. Um....NO! For one, Ms. Kardashian has been on birth control for several years, just got off bc, and had to explain to Kanye how exactly she was pregnant when she was supposed to be on birth control. So yes Kim, BC causes infertility WHEN YOU ARE TAKING THEM! That's the point of the damn pills, moron. I also have it on good authority (from someone who saw the whole Kim drags Khloe to a fertility clinic and ends up freezing her eggs episode), that the doctor she talked to told Kim she had no issues and would easily be able to have her eggs harvested. Yeah, that sounds really super serious Kim. I can't believe you got pregnant shortly after getting off of birth control with those serious problems. How about trying for a year, or two, or three unsuccessfully and then tell me all about your infertility problems. So not only is she KU by someone she is not married to while still being married to someone else, she is LYING about being infertile. Poor poor Khloe. Poor poor me. Poor poor all those women and couples who are actually affected by infertility.

And now for those of you who don't want to read my bitch out about my uterus because it is too personal (and gross), here is your IFPSA of the day:
Please do not tell women suffering from infertility to just "relax and it'll happen". I know that sometimes its hard to know what to say, and you feel the need to say something, and so "relax" comes flying out. I will have you know that RELAX is one of the most hated words in the infertility community. Hearing it actually causes stress, and if the word disappeared from the english language, none of us would care. And honestly, it doesn't help. Relaxing will not fix my uterus or make my endo (if its there) go away. Relaxing will not help the woman who has high FSH and poor egg reserves lower her FSH or magically produce more eggs. Nor will it help someone with recurrent miscarriages due to autoimmune disorders or chromosomal issues hold onto that baby. If a woman has been trying over a year (6 months if she is 35 or older), she has bigger problems than stress and needing to relax. She has real MEDICAL issues that can't be relaxed away. So please, for the love of God and all that is holy, do not tell people with fertility issues to relax.

And now for the fun, way too much information portion of my blog.....

I hate my uterus. I hate that cold hearted bitch with a passion. Not only does it deny me the one thing I want more than anything else by expelling my offspring far too quickly, it will also not allow me to get my Zumba on as hard as I would like. For those of you who don't know, I love Zumba. So. Much. Seriously, I am going to get certified to teach so that I can make money doing it, and maybe one day make it my career if at all possible. But sadly, my uterus wants none of it. Take last night for example. Tuesday night is Zumba night, and my mommy has finally decided to join in the fun! So of course, like all children who has a mommy watching them do something, I decided to do my absolute best. I really threw myself into it. And then I wanted to die. It always starts off as little cramps. Little cramps that I think I can handle. Little cramps that I try to convince myself won't get worse if I keep doing what I'm doing. Then they start to get bad. Not quite the agony of period cramps, but close. So I then decide that I'll drink some water, maybe go pee (cause peeing helps cramps evidently), but by then its too late. By then they kick in full steam and leave me crouched in the corner in the sportsplex bathroom attempting to crunch myself into the smallest ball possible. And then I try to stretch and end back up in a ball. By the time all is said and done, I have cramped so hard I end up with period type bleeding for a couple of days even though Aunt Flo is not due for 2 weeks (I haven't even ovulated yet, ladies and gentlemen). It makes it really hard to exercise (or you know, move) when you have this going on all the time. I'm so sick of this mess, and I really hope that its endometriosis related and the lap(s) can fix it. If that's not the problem....well.....shit.... They haven't found anything else that could be causing it, so I'm hoping this could be it.

And that's all folks. I did tell you this portion would be waaaay too much information. So if you are sitting there thinking, "WHY DID SHE TELL ME THIS?!", I did warn you..... Til next time....