Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I hope you can forgive me for all that I have done you wrong in the past be it intentionally or unintentionally. I would also like to wish all of you Selamat Hari Kemerdekaan Malaysia yg ke 54! I am forever thankful that I have been living in such a peaceful country (compared to most countries around the globe I find Malaysia rather soothing) for the whole of 23 years of my life that have been filled with so many colorful faces that have lighten it up with a magnificent blend.

I have lots of photos to share, but I am way too lazy to organize them now. I will post another entry wih all the updates from my Raya. Despite all the turbulence at home, most of which are caused by the kids, I find it, really peaceful, it feels so much at home. I really wish that my sister, Umairah and her hubby are here with us right now

I can't believe that I would be leaving to Shah Alam pretty soon. I am really looking forward for the trip to Bangkok next week, but at the same time, I really want to spend more time at home. Again, at the same time, I Can't wait to meet up with all my friends in Shah Alam and of course, to meet my sweetheart.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

that was what my cousin marwan said to me after two years of not seeing each other. yes indeed, a lot have changed, i mean he himself is all grown

up. and his sister sara, is practically a lady now.

it has been two years since they last visited us in Malaysia. and seeing them after two years made me realize even more that a lot have changed since then.

and when marwan said what he did, i was like, yeah.. i am a man now. being the yougest child, i have been so used to the term boy or kid, that i have sort of forgotten that i am 23 years old now. thats huge!

i just hope that with this age, comes a sense of maturity. i mean. i have to be able to think like a grown up now. but somehow i don't feel all that ready. am i really that much left behind? am i that much childish? am i acting like a 23 year old? or at least how a 23 year old should act like? im scared.

anyways, here are some photos that we took on marwan's camera the other day.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Mary Flora Bell wanted to “hurt” someone. She was an angry child, the product of an unsettled home in which chronic abuse was the norm. She had a friend, Nora Bell, and they often did things together. When Mary was eleven, she and Nora lured a boy to the top of an air raid shelter. When he fell and was injured, it was thought to be an accident. Two weeks later, the corpse of four-year-old Martin Brown was found, another assumed accident. Then police discovered notes that indicated that someone was taking responsibility - two people, in fact, who called themselves “Fanny and Faggot.” Then Mary show ed up at Martin’s home so she could “see him in his coffin.” Two months passed and another local toddler, three-year-old Brian Howe, turned up missing. When Mary suggested that he might be playing on a certain pile of concrete, searchers looked where she indicated and found his body. He’d been strangled and his legs and stomach had been cut with a razor and scissors. The medical examiner believed it to be the handiwork of a child.

Mary and Norma were brought in; Mary made up a story but Norma described watching Mary kill the boy. They went to trial in 1968 in England, where Mary was convicted of two counts of manslaughter. People called her “evil” and a “bad seed,” in part because she seemed so indifferent to the proceedings against her. A court psychiatrist said that she was manipulative and dangerous.

I couldn't sleep, so I have decided to watch a movie alone while waiting for sahur. I choose A Cinderella Story. I know that i have watched the movie a thousand times, but it has never failed to entertain me. Anyways, while watching, i started to doodle, and what you see above is the results of my boredom. one thing i really like about the movie is the words they use. really nice quotes. so i used some of the quotes on my work.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

how can i ever tear something so perfect? something of such delicate beauty, so innocent, so pure. a flower blooming with such radiance? so perfect. so right. how could i cut it from its roots? why can't i just leave it, let it grow even though eventually, it will fall off its tree.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”

true..imagine a world without them, where everything is the same. how dull would things be, so let us all embrace our flaws, it makes us who we are, makes us stand out from the others. let it be the reason for us to be loved.

i have this habit that i wash my hands a lot whenever i am thinking about something, literally wash them, sometimes using sopa, but most of the time, i just let the water run on both hands of mine. and i will indulge myself with the cooling sensation and calming effect it sort of give me. it is just so relaxing, almost like therapy.

but washing hands isn't the issue here, instead it is what actually makes me wash my hands that is in question.

well you see, in life, i have a bunch of people that mean a lot to me. a special group of people that i consider as most important.

i have this habit of not wanting to trouble them, because well, i just don't want to give them more trouble. i am pretty sure i can figure things out somehow.

but when i do this, it seems that i am actually hurting their feelings because to them, it seems as if they don't matter to me thus i don't involve them in anything that i do, even when the truth is i just don't want to trouble them.

so i try to involve them in things that i do. up to some point i feel bad, as if i am troubling them way too much. like i am somehow suffocating them with my problems.
nut i really do need them at the moment.

so to sum things up.
whenever i feel like i am able to to things on my own, i feel bad that i make others feel like i don't need them.

but at times when i need the most, i feel bad because i feel like i am suffocating them, strangling them to death.

so what should i do?
yeah, i know you'll probably say that i am over thinking this way too much.

i know, but, i just cant stop thinking about it. it seems never ending.

and i just have to write this down, to let it out, because i don't know who else to trouble,

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Zakian Sulhi

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Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me. ~Bella