NFL Picks: Rob Ford officially a ‘Junkie’

Starts appearances on Washington radio program just as Redskins eliminated for playoff hunt

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford watches the Buffalo Bills play the Atlanta Falcons during the first half of NFL action in Toronto, Sunday December 1, 2013. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Mark Blinch

Photograph by: THE CANADIAN PRESS/Mark Blinch
, Canada.com

Big week for the Washingtons, who were mentioned by Rob Ford AND threatened to sue a radio station AND were screwed by NFL officials on national television to get eliminated from the playoffs.

Amazingly, only one of those things included the team name and its whole racist vibe, but still, it was pretty eventful, all in all.

The Ford thing came last, after it was revealed he would be making a weekly appearance on a popular DC-area radio show called The Sports Junkies, which does seem to fit his personal brand.

On the show he wondered, “What are we going to call the Cleveland Indians? The Cleveland Aboriginals?” and said opponents of the Redskins “should have come out when the name was first initiated.”

The team was named while located in Boston in 1934, when race relations were probably still in need of a little work, but hey, great point.

Anyway, the mayor was very, very focused on making his football picks against the spread, though he said he didn’t use bookies.

All in all it was a minor string in the Rob Ford orchestra for the week, but they liked it in Washington, which was finally mentioned by a famous person from Canada, the lucky devils. Welcome to the big time.

The Washingtons were less lucky on Sunday Night Football, when trailing 24-17 in the last two minutes, gained nine-and-a-half yards, and yet somehow the chains moved, and referee Jeff Triplette didn’t stop the play despite knowing it was third down, and Washington ran a deep pass on third-and-inches, thinking it was first and 10. It was dropped, and the fourth-down pass was wrestled away for a fumble, and Washington missed the playoffs.

Jeff Triplette, for the record, has always seemed like some sort of inept small-town sheriff who has trouble locating the gun at his belt, but once he gets it, boy, you’d better start ducking all over the saloon, because who knows what the sheriff’s gonna shoot.

The swinging doors, the bar, the bottles over the bar, the extravagant hat on the lady of the house, the chandelier, the card game between the questionable characters in the corner. Whoops! Hoo-eee, that oil’ sheriff! Killed three men last time he was in here.

In this case, it was head linesman Phil McKinnely who actually screwed up, so he was like the deputy sheriff who misplaces the jail keys and accidentally gets locked in a cell while the horse rustlers escape.

Anyway, there goes Washington’s season, except that it is always the season to threaten to sue people.

So when WJFK-AM, the same radio station that airs The Junkies, started doing what are described as dead-on funny parodies of the Washington broadcast team with one segment fake-sponsored by “Michaels, Michaels, Michaels & Michaels — official suing partner of the Washington Redskins,” it was time to leak to the Washington Post that the team might do some suin’.

They’re like the robber baron who uses the small-town lawyer that tries to sue the urchin in the street for making fun of him. Or tries to shoot the urchin. I mean, it’s not like the sheriff knows what he’s doing.

Last week, this space … well, you may want to sit down. OK? OK. Last week this space went 10-5-1, and is now over .500 for the first time this season. I know, right? Call me, Sports Junkies.

As always, all lines could change.

The picks

Kansas City (-3) at Washington

Rob Ford, on concussions: “When I coach my kids, I say, ‘Guys, you know, you either get hit or be hit. You gotta be the hunter or the huntee’ … Concussions are bad, but they’ve been around for years and years and years.” Related: Five ex-Chiefs are suing the team over concussion damage.

Pick: Kansas City

Miami (+3) at Pittsburgh

Mike Tomlin getting fined US$100,000 for cheekily impeding Baltimore’s Jacoby Jones is heavy, but OK, for all the stylishness of his cheating, he cheated. But the NFL threatening to dock draft picks is so heavy-handed, so out of proportion, so ridiculous, that … well, that it feels almost inevitable.

Not only did the Seahawks turn the Saints’ skill players into the extraneous characters in Jurassic Park — pursued and consumed — but the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network detected stadium celebrations at between a 1 and 2 on the Richter scale. I wonder if they use water glasses, like in Jurassic Park?

Pick: Seattle

Carolina (+3) at New Orleans

Teams that have played Seattle have a 2-8-1 record in their next game, and the theory for a while was that the Seahawks hit so hard that you felt it a week later, or something. Well, only four of them have winning records anyway, but jeez, enjoy the Panthers, New Orleans.

Pick: Carolina

Dallas (pick) at Chicago

Ford also said Canadian women win football pools all the time because they pick based on “the cutest guy.” No, but seriously, cutest NFL guy rankings, QB division: 1. Tom Brady. 2. Cam Newton. 3. Tony Romo. Against the spread this year, those three combined: 22-14. Hey, wait a minute.

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