Dear Santa, please bring bacon-scented undies, size XXL

It's been a while since we've talked, but I thought I'd drop you a line about Christmas, just to tell you have much I've missed our little chats years ago.

I am hoping you can forgive that little problem we had in 1986 when I was expecting the Mustang and you didn't bring it. Looking back, the socks you brought instead were very useful and, though I admittedly was somewhat upset, the restraining order was totally unnecessary. I would never have shot you as you alleged in the court papers.

But this is a new era. Bygones being bygones, and all that. So I've decided to rekindle old relationships, and ask you for something very special this year.

What I want is "Bacon Scented Underwear." In fact, I do not know how a person could contemplate life that did not include "Bacon Scented Underwear."

I am required to describe them with capital letters with quotation marks because they are a registered trademark product of J&D Meats of Seattle. So logistically speaking, I know you'll have to stop in Seattle on your way here, because who else would stock bacon underwear? I thought you stocked Mustangs, too, and that turned out to be wrong.

As J&D's marketing elves note: their product "represents the gold standard of meat-scented luxury undergarments. Each pair is hand crafted in the USA to offer the support of briefs, the freedom of boxers and the smell of breakfast cooking in your pants. You really can have it all."

Breakfast cooking in your pants. The very thought evoked by that phrase seems sublimely satisfying.

I asked the Domestic Shopping Queen about the chances. "That's disgusting!" she said. I think that's a no.

The elves further note: "Featuring state of the art moisture-wicking, scent-emission technology stolen from NASA, we've embedded the smell of everyone's favorite smell into the fabric of your pants. This intoxicating scent will last through multiple wash cycles and wearings — depending on the (ahem) strength of your own scent, your underwear should continue to smell like bacon for up to six months or even a year."

Santa, this clearly is the gift that keeps on giving, but it comes with prudent warnings from the elf lawyers.

"Our legal team has advised us to post the following serious warnings: J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear is not recommended for people in the following professions: mail carriers, zookeepers, veterinarians, dog catchers and walkers, and circus performers (especially lion tamers). If you have a large dog with razor sharp teeth, please do not fall asleep in J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear.

"If you are hiking in the woods where bears are known to roam, please do not wear Bacon Scented Underwear without also carrying a firearm."

If you can't bring me the knickers, I even have an alternative.

For the same cost. J&D also sells Naked Bacon Cooking Armor, which looks suspiciously like a repurposed flaming red athletic supporter and is clearly a male-only accouterment.

This product fills a clear need: As J&D literature tells us:

"The three most dangerous activities in the world are:

"1. Underwater cage fighting with great white sharks

"2. Bungee jumping into a live volcano, and

"3. Cooking bacon naked.

"Cooking naked has been proven to increase one's sense of smell and taste — which means that the ultimate breakfast meat can taste even BETTER. Cooking and eating bacon naked has been said to be the food equivalent of winning the lottery, scoring a touchdown in the Super Bowl and neck-punching Justin Bieber all at once. It's a temptation that's too hard to resist, despite the risks to one's man- or womanhood.

"A recent Gallup poll found that 87 percent of Americans were more concerned with how to safely cook bacon while in the nude than climate change, twerking, North Korean cyber attacks, the proliferation of nuclear weapons and the economy – combined.

A version of this article appeared in print on November 29, 2015, in the News section of the Chicago Tribune with the headline "Dear Santa, please bring bacon-scented undies, size XXL" —
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