Monthly Archives: March 2004

This was the essay topic on my English 179 final:
How have ideas that derive from British imperialism and its literature influenced American writers' ideas about existentialism and the nature of psychology? Write a well-developed essay comparing two of the final four works read in class.

Imperialism. Literature. Existentialism. Psychology. Comparing works.

Huh?

I wanted to cry.

The only reason I took the class was so I could read Thomas Pynchon's V for school credit. Before I could, however, I had to endure eight weeks of "representations of imperialism in Africa in the culture of the British Empire and the U.S. Cold War" with a doctoral graduate student who gave empty lectures and graded hard.

I wrote my professor a note in my blue book before turning it in:
This class totally ruined my grad school opportunities. I'm so fucked.
:D

The last time I annotated a final (winter quarter 2002, German Film History) I got a C+ in the class.

I don't think I'm going to be as lucky this time around.

Chris:did bill oreilly just say
retarded people dont punch babies in the face
what is that supposed to mean

Adam:new cuffed jean? how many different times are they going to sell chicks on capri pants
fuckin idiots buy into it every time too

Colin:I'm looking for a song, sung by kermit regarding children. I'm a funeral director and have to bury three small children and thought it would be appropriate.
what kind of bad funeral director needs to ask a Muppet website what song goes well with dead children?

On February 11, 2004, Dominionist leaders introduced a bill in Congress in both houses called "The Constitution Restoration Act of 2004."

The bill proposes adding the following law to Section 1260 of Title 28, Chapter 81 of the U.S. Code:

Notwithstanding any other provision of this chapter, the Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction to review, by appeal, writ of certiorari, or otherwise, any matter to the extent that relief is sought against an element of Federal, State, or local government, or against an officer of Federal, State, or local government (whether or not acting in official personal capacity), by reason of that element's or officer's acknowledgment of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.

This wording, if it becomes law, will allow any "element" or "officer" of federal, state and local governments to institute biblical punishments without being subject to review by the Supreme Court or the federal court system.

According to Dominionist literature, "biblical punishment" means execution (preferably by stoning) of homosexuals and other "revelers in licentiousness," and enslavement for debtors. No legal challenges to "God's order" will be allowed.

If enacted, the Constitution Restoration Act will effectively transform America into a theocracy, where the arbitrary dictates of a "higher power"  as interpreted by a judge, policeman, bureaucrat or president  can override the rule of law.

WWE pay-per-views are 3 for 3 in kickass main events this year. I (to quote Scott Keith) "marked out like nuts" for the Royal Rumble and Eddie Guerrero vs. Brock Lesnar at No Way Out. As for WrestleMania XX, I actually cried tears of joy when Chris Benoit made HHH tap out.

For those who don't follow wrestling, think Maryland upsetting Duke in overtime to win its first ACC tournament title in 20 years. It was that satisfying.

I hear a Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH ladder match will main event the Backlash pay-per-view next month in Benoit's hometown.

"Let's Get Retarded" by the Black Eyed Peas is both retarded and surprisingly rad at the same time.

What happened to the set of Jeopardy? Growing up, the Jeopardy set always looked sleek. Now everything's all gold and shit. It looks like what a high school drama club might use for a scene from a play set in Egypt.

John Kerry's face looks like something you might see on a potato chip.

Bill Simmons once wrote something on ESPN.com's Page 2 (I'm too lazy to find the link) about scenes in movies that he could have done without, like the Jennifer Connelly lesbian butt fuck scene in Requiem for a Dream and any scene with Fabienne in Pulp Fiction.

I know it's March already and the Oscars are over, but I thought it'd be fun to take a look back at some of the most awkward, stupid and unessential scenes and moments from the past year in cinema:

In Spun, when The Cook visits Eric Roberts for help setting up a new meth lab. The inclusion of Roberts' character is very random and gratuitous. Did The Cook really need to visit a flaming gay tennis player reclining on a bed to get money to set up a meth lab? The screenwriter couldn't have just had him directly set up another lab or stop by an ATM?

In The Matrix Reloaded, the rave in Zion.

In The Matrix Reloaded, when Neo has to fight the Chinese guy before he can see The Oracle. Poor pretense to stage a lousy fight.

In The Matrix Reloaded, the deus ex machina that is The Architect.

In Hulk, the climactic scene at the end that was so lame and so off from the rest of the movie that it REEKED of the movie studio meddling in and telling Ang Lee Look, we'll let you do the movie your way but you HAVE to throw in this superhero slugfest… no, you HAVE TO… we DEMAND it. The scene was so lame that Ang Lee "shot" it in darkness and underwater so the entire sort-of fight was murky to the point of almost being invisible. You just KNOW he was ashamed of it.

In The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, at the end when the ground around Sean Connery's grave starts shaking. I couldn't stop laughing, half-expecting Connery's hand to reach out of the ground and not putting it past the filmmakers to have his character do so.

In Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, when Lara Croft opens Pandora's Box slightly and then decides that she doesn't want to know what's inside and closes it and all is right with the world. You can't do that! Once you open Pandora's Box, the cat's out!

In S.W.A.T., when LL Cool J, at dinner at a restaurant, lifts up his shirt to show off his abs and then sings the S.W.A.T. theme song while doing the cabbage patch. Did anyone else find this strange? On a sidenote, doesn't that Gatorade commercial with LL Cool J "rapping" about places where Gatorade is consumed remind you of Howard Dean's speech after the Iowa Caucus? The Vet, the Met, the pit, the park, the lake, the Jake, the Bob…YEAAGGH!!!

In American Wedding, the dance-off between Stifler and a husky gay guy in a gay bar. I hate dance-offs in movies. They serve no purpose in advancing a story and are seemingly included only to get a few cheap laughs (if any) from the HI-larious visual of white people dancing. There's a dance-off in Starsky & Hutch between Ben Stiller and Har Mar Superstar and it's way lame. So was the one on the recent episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Christina Aguilera, and so is the one in American Wedding.

In Elephant, all the uncut shots of people walking. Half this movie is footage of people walking.

In Elephant, when the two teenage gunmen get in the shower together and embrace and kiss before heading off to school to shoot people. The showering together and the kiss happen out of nowhere and the director never follows up on this unexpected behavior. It's just…there.

In The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, when the blond girl kills the evil black Shredder dude. The movie sets him up to be the mini-boss to Sauron. I didn't expect him to die so quickly. I am no man! What kind of bogus logic is that? Does that mean that on Star Trek, they boldly go where women may have gone before?

In The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, when Frodo wakes up in bed and sees Gandalf staring at him and they both start laughing and then everyone in the fellowship enters the room one by one to laugh with them and be gay in slow motion, lit with soft light.

The Ticketmaster surcharges are more expensive than the actual ticket. Un-fuckin'-believable. What is this order processing charge? I thought the convenience charge was for processing my order! Also, why does Ticketmaster need $8.45 to hold a ticket at will call?

Goddammit.

I'd buy tickets (sans surcharges) at the door except that you can only buy them on the night of the show, and every notable show in Los Angeles usually sells out before the day of thI'm moving.