You'd think in that case you'd have the letter writer complaining that she had to "fly to a different country, and drive through jungle" to get there.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

the Wyffe

It's getting a little ironic now that so many posts are assuming the LW is a stuck-up cow based on her letter, when we were all so cross about her assumptions on Suzanne after meeting her several times!

It's getting a little ironic now that so many posts are assuming the LW is a stuck-up cow based on her letter, when we were all so cross about her assumptions on Suzanne after meeting her several times!

Suzanne sounds like an absolute cow as well!

I was thinking that myself. Some of these assumptions and comments about the LW are absolutely astounding, particularly for an etiquette site.

It's getting a little ironic now that so many posts are assuming the LW is a stuck-up cow based on her letter, when we were all so cross about her assumptions on Suzanne after meeting her several times!

Suzanne sounds like an absolute cow as well!

I was thinking that myself. Some of these assumptions and comments about the LW are absolutely astounding, particularly for an etiquette site.

I don't think that it is off base to assume that someone is snobbish after hearing her describe someone as a "country bumpkin". There is, frankly, no other reasonable interpretation.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

It's getting a little ironic now that so many posts are assuming the LW is a stuck-up cow based on her letter, when we were all so cross about her assumptions on Suzanne after meeting her several times!

Suzanne sounds like an absolute cow as well!

I was thinking that myself. Some of these assumptions and comments about the LW are absolutely astounding, particularly for an etiquette site.

I don't think that it is off base to assume that someone is snobbish after hearing her describe someone as a "country bumpkin". There is, frankly, no other reasonable interpretation.

I don't know. She wrote the letter after an extended bout of bad feelings and fighting. We aren't getting a true look at her first impression, only her current feelings. And she really doesn't like this woman.

I'm not really objecting to the labeling of her as a 'snob' really, it's just that a lot of these posts are taking delight in ripping this woman (and her simple story) apart simply because she describes herself as having money and calls the other woman a silly name. It's entirely likely that neither one of these women are great delights to hang out with. Suzanne hardly sounds like a paragon of manners and virtue herself.

I agree with Sparklestar that John is the real one to blame here. Who tries to force two grown adults to "be friends"? It sounds like they were doing fine politely ignoring each other until he tried to force the issue.

I'm going to side with the OP. When someone has insulted your wedding plans and called you names its not unusual to turn around an use derogatory names when describing them. The OP tried to be nice to Suzanne (maybe Suzanne thought she was condescending), but Suzanne knew that calling someone names was rude.

As for the bridal shower, some people do think its very tacky to invite all the women to the shower. Old school etiquette says you should only invite a small number of guests. If that is what the OP is used to I could she why she would be surprised to be invited to give yet another gift to someone who obviously dislikes her intensely. Even $5 would be too much for me in that case.

If she had called Suzanne a racial slur, instead of a socioeconomic one, do you think it would have been ok, because she was miffed at her? Particularly if the LW repeatedly suggested that *she* would never behave so badly, because she was of a better racial background?

This isn't much different.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

If she had called Suzanne a racial slur, instead of a socioeconomic one, do you think it would have been ok, because she was miffed at her? Particularly if the LW repeatedly suggested that *she* would never behave so badly, because she was of a better racial background?

This isn't much different.

You think calling someone a "country bumpkin" is akin to using a racial slur?

If she had called Suzanne a racial slur, instead of a socioeconomic one, do you think it would have been ok, because she was miffed at her? Particularly if the LW repeatedly suggested that *she* would never behave so badly, because she was of a better racial background?

This isn't much different.

You think calling someone a "country bumpkin" is akin to using a racial slur?

I think using a crude insult such as "bumpkin" is pretty bad, yes. Maybe not exactly up there with the worst of them, but it's basically a prettied-up version of calling someone "poor white trash".

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Suzanne sent the OP a "long abrasive email about how I am a condescending, shallow, b****. ". I think referring to her as a country bumpkin isn't really that awful. OP didn't call Suzanne a bumpkin to her face either.

I think of "country bumpkin" as a reference to her manners not her socioeconomic status. It certainly isn't anything like a racial slur.

Suzanne sent the OP a "long abrasive email about how I am a condescending, shallow, b****. ". I think referring to her as a country bumpkin isn't really that awful. OP didn't call Suzanne a bumpkin to her face either.

I think of "country bumpkin" as a reference to her manners not her socioeconomic status. It certainly isn't anything like a racial slur.

And I disagree. If nothing else, it's pretty crude to imply that people who come from rural areas are graceless klutzes. And in that way, it is very much like a racial slur.

My mother, who will always have better manners than I do, recalls being called that term in college. Trust me, she does not recall it fondly.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

I'm going to side with the OP. When someone has insulted your wedding plans and called you names its not unusual to turn around an use derogatory names when describing them.

It may not be unusual, but it is also not polite.

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The OP tried to be nice to Suzanne (maybe Suzanne thought she was condescending), but Suzanne knew that calling someone names was rude.

So did the LW. Two rudes, last I checked, do not make a polite. It doesn't really make a difference if the LW's name-calling wasn't done to Suzanne's face.

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As for the bridal shower, some people do think its very tacky to invite all the women to the shower. Old school etiquette says you should only invite a small number of guests. If that is what the OP is used to I could she why she would be surprised to be invited to give yet another gift to someone who obviously dislikes her intensely. Even $5 would be too much for me in that case.

I don't think there is any indication, at least from what we know, that Suzanne invited all the female wedding guests to her bridal shower. In fact, I think there's pretty clear evidence that she didn't invite all and sundry:

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After some digging, I found out that not every woman was invited to the shower, but that she decided to include me because I had given a nice engagement gift.

Given that the OP found this out by "digging" (i.e. hearsay), I'm not completely sure that I trust her assessment that she was invited because of her nice engagement gift. Or at least, I don't trust her 100% on that. It's actually far more likely that Suzanne included the LW because she was the best man's fiancee. As someone else already pointed out, the guest list would have been made up far in advance of the email exchange the LW mentions. Given that most mail takes about 2 business days, chances are good the invitations were even mailed before that particular email exchange.

Basically, I think there's plenty of rude behavior to go around here. Neither Suzanne nor the LW come out smelling like roses, but I don't think that the LW deserves more benefit of the doubt than anyone is prepared to give to Suzanne. After all, this whole story is from the LW's perspective - I don't think it's incorrect or unfair at all to assume that she is painting herself in the best possible light (and thus, painting Suzanne in the worst).

And I disagree. If nothing else, it's pretty crude to imply that people who come from rural areas are graceless klutzes. And in that way, it is very much like a racial slur.

I'm so sick of that idea. Yeah, because people who come from the city are all extremely gracious with impeccable manners. I do have to wonder how many people who look down on others really stop to think how bigoted their own way of thinking is.

And I disagree. If nothing else, it's pretty crude to imply that people who come from rural areas are graceless klutzes. And in that way, it is very much like a racial slur.

I'm so sick of that idea. Yeah, because people who come from the city are all extremely gracious with impeccable manners. I do have to wonder how many people who look down on others really stop to think how bigoted their own way of thinking is.

Yep, and yet I've seen people on this board use the trailer trash slur. On one occasion (it's in EHell classics) a lady who lives in a trailer posted to say it upset her and wasn't right. The original poster posted after her, and completely ignored this - as did everyone else.