Dodging Daddyball

Too Tough, Too Accommodating, Too Delusional. It Can Be Tricky When Coach Is Also Dad. But There Are Ways To Make It Work.

March 5, 2006|By Nick C. Sortal Staff Writer

Stand on the sidelines and watch Chris Anders coach soccer, and you can't pick out which player is his child. He treats all 10 the same.

He spreads around playing time and his attention. On his 6-and-under Wellington recreation team, he tapes the players' names to their backs -- Jacob, Brooke, Justin -- to cultivate team spirit and communication.

But there's no doubt why he spends weeknights and Saturdays coaching for free: it's the blond boy with "Jake" taped to his back -- his son.

"As a father, you can teach your children a lot through sports," says Anders, who also coaches his daughter, Kaitlyn, 9. He has put in 15 sports seasons coaching one child or the other, which have given him opportunities to talk to them about leadership, respect and teamwork, he says.

As if raising a child isn't difficult enough, many parents amplify the relationship by coaching their children on the sports fields. That means more decisions like the ones at home -- all in gray areas -- such as how hard to push, how much to let kids be kids, proper consequences and whether the parent's desire for the child to reach the top is being supportive or imprudent.

"How you act on the field, or in school, sets the climate for how you're going to act in life," Anders says.

Kaitlyn says she likes playing for her father, even though he once pulled her out of a game for not hustling. One of Wellington's better players, Anders and league directors placed Kaitlyn in a division with girls 3 years older than her.

"Having my dad coach is a way to spend quality time with him, because he works a lot," she says. "He treats me a little harder than other players because he wants me to do my best, but not too much, like I'm a favorite."

Because evaluating and rewarding young athletes is subjective, parent-coaches are open to criticisms. They can be viewed as too tough on their child (sometimes) or having delusions of stardom for their offspring (more often). But most are just interested in being part of improving their children's lives, or believe that out of the pool of parents, they are the most proficient at teaching how to field a grounder or throw a chest pass.

Parents, mostly fathers, coach about 90 percent of recreational youth sports teams, battling their own insecurities and enduring headaches for the reward.

"You probably wouldn't want to work all day, then at 5 o'clock go out and coach a bunch of screaming, yelling kids," says Fred Engh, president of the National Alliance for Youth Sports. "But you would and you will if your kid is out there."

Engh has cautioned against out-of-control sports parenting to the point that he authored a book called Why Johnny Hates Sports and warns against "the jerks out there."

"But most parents really care and want the best for their kid. That's what's so great about it," he says.

Warped perceptions

While there are many like Anders who see sports as a way to teach the big picture, there's also many who get caught up in playing a game some refer to as "Daddyball." That's when the coach puts his or her child at the prime position -- quarterback, pitcher, point guard -- even though he or she isn't the best player.

Such a situation arises often because the parent has a warped perception of their child's ability, says Mark Dornacker, Davie sports coordinator for 20 years.

"I've seen it a thousand times," he says. "Their kid will be 7 years old and mom and dad are already positive he's going to be a professional athlete."

Dornacker said coaches who overplay their children fall into two categories: "Either they were a heck of an athlete and expect a lot from their kid or they were a mediocre athlete and they expect more from them."

As sports coordinator, there's not much of a way to step in because programs are so desperate for volunteer coaches, he says. And sometimes parents complain about Daddyball when in some cases the coach's kid really is the best player, he says.

"Dad's working with them in the offseason, teaching him proper batting mechanics or whatever fundamentals are necessary," Dornacker says.

The secret is for sports leaders to train coaches to keep an impartial eye, says Michele Smith of the David Posnack Jewish Community Center in Davie. Not only does it make the season more enjoyable for everyone else, it's the best thing for the young athlete, she says.

"Coaches don't do their kids a service if they play them ahead of other kids that are actually better," she says. "The kids know who the best players really are."

Coaches should also take an occasional season off from their children, to give them a chance to learn from someone else, Smith says.

"Their junior-varsity or varsity coaches aren't going to be their mom or dad, so if they end up playing at that level, they eventually have to learn to play for other people," she says.

Difficult choice

Coach Karl Hutchinson's 9-year-old son wanted to play quarterback in the Western Communities Football League in Palm Beach County.