Liverpool Charged with ‘Tapping Up’ Everton Lunch Lady

Liverpool have been charged by the FA with making an illegal approach to Everton canteen worker Naomi Murphy. The allegation is the latest in an embarrassing string of so-called ‘tapping up’ complaints against the Anfield club.

Plans

“It’s all true,” Ms Murphy told Soccer on Sunday. “I met Mr Klopp last month in a hotel outside Kirkby. He showed me videos of his plans for the Liverpool canteen, and sketches of a new menu heavy on schnitzel, bratwurst, frankfurters — all that Kraut bollox. He told me that my ladle work was unrivalled, and that I was central to his plans. It was very flattering.”

“The package was mouthwatering,” added the former Real Madrid lunch lady. “Apron allowances, performance bonuses for consecutive clean plates, and a hundred grand tax-free at the end of the season if nobody from the first team gets the shits.”

Apology

Jürgen Klopp has accepted responsibility for tapping up the renowned lunch lady.

“I would like to sincerely apologise to the snitching blue scum,” the German told Soccer on Sunday. “I hope the toffee-nosed grassing shitebags can accept my apology. I can confirm that Liverpool football club have now ended our interest in the snitching, gravy-stained battle axe, and I look forward to the twice-yearly spanking of the blue scum next season.”