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Will It Just Happen?

Question: Dear Luise: I have been in a relationship for the past five years off and on. We have been living together for over a year now. It has been 8 months since we have had sexual relations. Tonight he asked me what I wanted to do and I replied ” go home and fool around”, with a smile. We had a wonderful evening together. A concert and cuddling on a boat ride back to the car. It was wonderful. I felt that would be a fantastic way to end the evening. Well it ended very poorly. I was in a 17 year marriage where sex was a problem as well. I am feeling as if it is me. However deep down I know I do not lack in that category and wonder why I end up falling for men that love to have sex at first then back off. What in the world am I doing wrong. I love this man with all my heart and he insists he loves me and is happy with not having sex. He does drink a lot which sometimes I wonder if that is the problem, but it wasnt a problem before. I dont have the money to go to a therapist and he would refuse to get help. I don’t want to leave him as I would feel petty for doing so since everything else in our lives is fantastic. Am I putting too much emphasis on it and if I let it go will it just happen? I can only hope. I am very upset and not sure what to do. Do you have any advise? Thank you. D.

Answer: Dear D.: My guess, and that’s all it is of course, is that your hope that it will “just happen” isn’t well founded. This kind of situation can sneak up on a heavy drinker.

The partners who can live in a sexless relationship and thrive there don’t write to me. That puts you in the majority; those who can’t live with it.

I don’t agree that it’s a “petty thing” to base leaving a relationship on. For a normal male and female, it’s a no go. It’s difficult to face but it’s eating at you. Gather up your self-respect and head on down the road. You deserve better. Blessings, Luise

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About Luise Volta

Luise’s long life has brought her to being the great grandmother of four teenagers. Born in 1927, the miles in between her teens and theirs have been full of falling and getting up, learning and growing and then falling and getting up again. A normal, though not simple, process.
She has had diverse careers in nursing, teaching preschool, interior design, Real Estate sales, insurance adjusting and dairy herd testing. She’s lived in the Mid-west, South and West Coast. Luise is married to the love of her life, Val, born in 1911. Their little terrier, “Rosa,” makes most of the major decisions at their house, (or thinks she does).