I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.Mae West~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

(This should keep you chuckling for awhile)A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas ) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church... "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.He then opened the hearing by saying:"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise , as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushedout to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrongone.Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that herhusband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of thefamily that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with hiscardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble withOne of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nursetold me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out ofplaces to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped Iwouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying anew one.Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How longhave you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ... . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checkingup on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's verygood except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packetlabeled 'KY Jelly.'Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman withpurple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quicklydetermined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled forimmediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it therewas a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on thepatient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'Submitted by RN no name,AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quiteembarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassmentI had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burstout laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work andsheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied withtears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was anOscar Meyer Wiener .'Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

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Baby's First Doctor VisitThis made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.'Breast-fed,' she replied..'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby isunderweight. You don't have any milk.'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,But I'm glad I came.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

Get in here and have a seat, and welcome to the diner!

Time to snap too, and get a nuther diner day going, eh?

Mine starts at 3:30. Anyone want to join me or go in my place maybe?

I have to get through four work days in order to get to my next one day off, and then four more.

Nobody ever said life is a breeze.

Well maybe they did, but what do they know anyway?

It's getting harder, and harder for me to get high on life.

I believe I may have to revert back to something that's less mataphorical.

Kidding....

I can't get it to grow.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe

Edited by gymcandy1 (04/21/1307:54 PM)

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There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

Good Morning Joe, Ana. SpaceQ, BogH, Haroula and GBC. Thanks for putting the coffee on GBC. I slept in this morning! A first for me. Joe hope the work day flies by. Ana have fun "dancing"! SpaceQ,and BobH time to rise and shine. Haroula enjoy your day. Cailyn hope all is well with you. A great Day wished for all!

Good morning everyone. Ana, most everything will be lost to water, soot, and smoke damage. The insurance company also won't allow them to take anything out until Friday after they check it out. It's boarded up and with our humidity and rain there will be a lot of mildew. We got 3 inches of rain yesterday evening with more to follow today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC.

Whoop! Whoop! It's Monday morning and I am off to work. But prior to that trip I want to wish each and every one of you a merry Monday, chock full of productivity, what ever that may entail for you. Take care and we'll see you later...

Oh my Joe .. 0330? Hmmm, might be best just to stay up and game

Alas Gail, I am off to work .. thank you for the coffee

Glad you were able to sleep in Gerry .. those days are good

I'm joining you Venus and Joe as we're off to work

Thanks for the treats Connie .. hope all is back in order the soonest

Have a great day Ana SQF Haroula ManXMan Bob and the rest of you when you are up and at em!

Whoosh...

ps .. L4L

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To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

Joe I hope the next four fly for ya. Have fun at work! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana hope the corner is kind today and you are able to move right along. Enjoy dance class tonight.

I see that we are in line for another storm with a possible 7-10 inches this evening and nighttime. Hope there is no rain heading your way with all the flooding you are having in that area. I din't think Spring wants to get here.

Space have a great day!

Bob hope you get caught up!!

Gail thanks for starting the coffee. Yummmmy! Have a lovely day!!

Gerry hope the knee is improving!

venus happy working!!!

Connie I hope and pray that the ins company is kind to them. I know that some things are replacable though. How sad. Sending HUGS!