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Author: Bryan McBournie

Listen, tubby, we tried talking to you earlier this week. We really though you would listen to us about your weight, but did you? That’s a negative. So, here we are, again, giving you advice on how you can outrun death for a few more months. Maybe this time you’ll listen.

We’ve seen you outside running, biking, playing sports, hiking, taking in the glorious sunlight. Guess what? The whole time you’ve been making yourself fatter. Get inside already! Science has proven that there is some sort of a connection between your contact with sunlight and your body’s weight, regardless of what you do or do not eat. The fact is that the sun makes you fat.

Meanwhile, it gives Superman his powers. Think about that for a while.

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With fall descending upon the Northern Hemisphere, it’s easy to forget about our beastly foes as they hunker down for winter. They are too busy storing food to help them survive the cold months. Yep, it’s easy to forget about things like the bees.

Fortunately, it may one day be perfectly acceptable to forget about the bees, because they may no longer exist. Scientists have determined, in a story we’re fairly certain we heard about over a year ago, bees have been dying off for the past couple years because of a tag-team effort between a fungus and a virus. They join forces to make the bees go nuts, fly off in all directions, and then die–alone and cold.

Kind of inspiring, isn’t it? Maybe in the War on Animals, we have overlooked teaming up with germs, spores, molds and fungi. Let’s start working together to defeat a common foe.

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Sup, ladies? You’re looking strong and independent, today. Good for you. What’s that? You’re not happy with the amount that you’re being paid? You think men who do the same job as you are making more? First off, you’re not supposed to be looking at other people’s paychecks, and secondly, maybe it’s time for a change.

No, we’re not talking about a career change. We’re not even talking about going out and buying a new outfit to make yourself feel better. It’s time to lose some weight. It sounds rude, but trust us on this one. Your self-confidence that society has tied to your appearance is for good reason: the thinner you are, the more you get paid, at least according to a new study.

Conversely, fat guys get paid more than their skinny male counterparts. I’ll finish the rest of this post once I polish off this box of doughnuts.

[via Brooke H.]

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As far back as the 1950s, men wanted to go into space, not by a rocket, but by a glider with a rocket attached to it. That idea was soon ruled out as crazy, because, well, good god, why would anyone ever want to do that? But now, we have Richard Branson, billionaire and noted crazy person, who wants to do it.

Space flight could be just around the corner for everyone who isn’t Lance Bass. The dream of going into space is just around the corner, thanks to Virgin Galactic, which is working on the first commercial space flight service. The company is one step closer now, with the successful test flight of its glider. It didn’t go into space or anything, but it flew–and landed–safely.

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If you have read us at all, you are well-informed about the threat animals pose to civilization. And if you’ve watched or read just about any piece of science fiction in the past 150 years, you know that science is bad. What’s worse is when animals and science combine.

We’re not talking about animal scientists, that’s just silly. Instead, we’re talking about a robot with the brain of a rat. At the University of Reading, England, scientists took rat brain cells and hooked them up to robots, and apparently, their scheme has worked. The robots can avoid walls.

Sure, it may not mean much now, but in a few years, they’ll start putting guns on these things, and no one will be safe from these animal cyborgs.

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As any school child can tell you, Christopher Columbus discovered the New World in 1492, thus beginning a tradition of killing off natives by sword and small pox. The tradition lasted for centuries. To celebrate this discovery, federal workers and a handful of children get next Monday off. Of course, there are those who say that the Vikings were here first. Others claim the Chinese discovered America. There are still others who say the Irish (!) made the discovery. This is probably why Columbus Day is not the huge holiday it was decades ago. If you were busy having your cigar-toting likeness photoshopped into famous pictures this week, odds are you missed it.

There’s only one Flubtober
It’s October now, and playoff baseball is here. That means only one thing: more people complaining about the calls made by an umpire, because these games actually mean something and we now have the technology to review calls, which would make the game even slower. We’re only a game or two into the Major League Baseball division series, and former pitcher David Wells, who for six seasons straight led the league in Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese, is tired of it. He said the umpires are calling incorrectly everything from catches to strikes, and it’s hurting the game. He then went back to mopping the floors of Pilot truck stop on Interstate 85.

Wait until you’re done to read this
If you’re an American and you’re having sex, odds are you’re not alone. According to a new medical study, Americans are getting their freak on way more than they were 20 years ago. They are also kinkier than they were back then, by getting in on in more than one method (use your imagination, this is a SFW site), and in some cases, more frequently than before. I don’t want to take full responsibility here, but 20 years ago I wasn’t on the scene, and now I am. Coincidence? You’re not buying it, are you?

It’s all about the kids
Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg is having a rough time lately. First, a movie portraying him in a not-so-great light is the biggest hit of the weekend. Then, he announces some major changes to his site, and people use them against him. This is why Zuckerberg is now a member of the North American Man/Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA. Someone signed him up for the group using Facebook’s new feature that lets one’s friends sign them up for a group without their approval. We here at SG wish Zuckerberg the best of luck in finding his one true man/boy love.

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You may remember a time when this country was ruled by the British, but thankfully, we won World War II, and that scourge is gone from North America, unless you count Canada. Regardless, the Brits are better than us at proclaiming their government to be overbearing and all-seeing. Now they have no one to blame but themselves.

A new site offers people with a computer, a serious amount of free time on their hands and a Superman complex can log on and catch a real thief without leaving the comfort of their couch. Best of all, they can win prizes. Basically, there are closed circuit security cameras set up streaming footage online. If you catch a thief in the act, you could win 1,000 pounds, which in today’s money is about $1,600.

We’re sure watching that ATM day and night will make that payday worth it.

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Recently, the Centers for Disease Control released a new study about drinking, and–sit down while you’re reading this–high schoolers are drinking! Next they’ll be binge drinking. What? They’re already doing that, too? OK, then. But as it turns out, adult males are bending an elbow quite a bit, themselves.

According to the study, the typical binge drinking is male either white or Hispanic, and makes at least $75,000 a year. With that in mind, let’s take a look at CNN’s American Morning co-host John Roberts and his idea of a good time.

“Of course we know the immediate effects of binge drinking, obviously, you get drunk, you fall down, you wake up in your own vomit the next day, and you’re very embarrassed about the whole thing.”

Not to be outdone, CNN senior medical correspondent Elizabeth Cohen added, “Having unprotected sex with a germy stranger,” to the list. Something tells me CNN has some rockin’ parties.

Bonus points if in the video you notice co-host Kiran Chetry nervously play with her earring as Roberts talks about his experiences.

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Hey, remember that killer whale that, of all things, killed at SeaWorld a little while back? Well, karma, as they say, is a female dog. No, seriously. I know someone who has a bitch named Karma.

At SeaWorld Orlando, an orca mysteriously died, but it wasn’t the man-killer, Tilikum. Instead, it was a 25-year-old named Kalina who was assassinated died mysteriously. We all very much more the loss off such a beast who was cut down in the prime of her slavery.