Dear Gordon Ramsay

Well, judging by a couple of recent news stories, America is in a state of psychic confusion about the size of its very expensive waistline.

These nuts in Detroit are competitive eating calamari. Not your bog standard, sea caught calamari aka squid, but lightly fried calamari. I can just about understand competitive cupcake eating with its cheap ingredients and capacity for mega physical high, but an expensive, thoughtfully cooked, really quite rubbery piece of fish?

Will draft telegram to Gordon Ramsay with immediate effect:

Dear Gordon

How are you? Stop. Hope your family life is back on track now. Stop. I have just the thing to give you a boost. Stop. A piece of organised fun and something that will heighten your profile in the States (congrats on the F-word over there, btw, but feel you need something extra) Stop. Suggest:

No need to worry about props. Stop. I will bring silver spoons. Stop. And a few buckets. Stop. When I say “bucket”, am not saying your food makes me sick. Stop. But I think people can react badly to eating too much of one thing, particularly when competing against others. Stop.

Just thought you would go for this as I know how you love to compete. Stop. Although it’s not the same as when Heston’s Fat Duck was closed, people will still be puking. Stop. Plus it’ s a bit like that social crusade Jamie O went on with the schools as this idea will combat the effects of the recession on top class restaurant eating (particularly if you did it in an open space and filmed it with a camera). Stop.

Come on people, what are we trying to do here? Get fat on expensive food or thin on expensive machines? Has everyone forgotten that the global economy is collapsing faster than you can say “competitive squid”?