Not only is being a parent (I'm speaking of parenting young children just 'cause that's what I know) kinda difficult, but it can be kind of difficult to be friends both with parents and, as a parent, with other people, particularly people without kids. Having been on both sides I thought it might help to offer some insights that I've experienced and and also talked with people about. If you're in this situation in any way I'd love to hear your insights too!

In no particular order:

Plans ALWAYS depend on how the children (and parents) are doing that day. I can't even count how many times we've made plans with someone to do something and because Amia was teething the night before we only got 2 hours of sleep, or one of us was just exhausted from all the energy involved in parenting, or Amia didn't sleep well and is like a little time bomb and we had to cancel. I know that if it's other parents it's all good because they've been there, but honestly I always feel bad doing it to my dear friends without kids because it always feels like I'm bailing on them.

Being a parent can be really, really, um, REALLY lonely. It's hard to get out of the house, it can be hard to have people over, and it's sometimes/often hard to plan on being able to be with people. This can be because 1) it takes an hour (or more) to go potty, get dressed, get clothes on, pack food, toys/books and changes of clothes, allow for a meltdown (either by the kids or the parents), nurse, go potty again or change diapers/clothes because someone didn't make it in time, 2) you've gotten 4 hours sleep the past 3 nights and the dishes and clothes and toys are piling up such that they resemble certain geographical formations and you can't even think about having visitors over in this mess, 3) the first bullet point above, 4) if the stars line up and you do have visitors you frequently have to leave the room to nurse/change clothes or diapers/put the little one to sleep. I'm not trying to say it's always a Herculean effort to have people over or visit people, but things definitely become a bit more complex and unpredictable with kids. It's not just grabbing your jacket and leaving the house anymore, or simply tidying up a bit. There's a ritual involved and it usually includes varying degrees of control. But I think it's safe to assume that parents, particularly if there's one staying at home with the little one, pretty much always want someone to visit with and talk to.

Not only is just getting out of the house more complex, but going places is too. We tried going to restaurants for the first couple months and then just kind of gave up. Again, it all depends on the child, but Amia was really sensitive to all the noise so most restaurants would just kind of set her off at some point, letting us know that she needed to leave. Even if she could sit for a while and be chill, eventually she would get bored and need to start walking around. So we ended up having like a good 10 minutes of being able to sit and eat/talk. After that we were on the move until we left. Hence, we just kind of waited till she was like 18 to 24 months to really try restaurants or similar public spaces. That doesn't seem like a long time now, but when you're in the middle of it it seems like FOREVER to be in that situation.

I've noticed ever since starting this parenting gig that things don't always work out the way I think they will. Particularly before I was a parent, when I thought I had an idea about what parenting was and now that I am one realizing I still have no idea. For example, pre-parental ideal - I'm never taking Amia to McDonald's. She's going to eat fruits and vegetables and grow up vegetarian with a digestive tract unsullied by McDonald's foul fruit and live to be a 100. Enter reality. We're on our first car trip, which at first was fraught with tension and anxiety for all because Amia was still leaving the stage of howling for the duration of her time in the car seat. We've packed a bunch of healthy food and toys. Halfway into our 6 hour drive we've eaten all our snacks and no matter how much we try to make a stuffed dog interesting again Amia ain't having it. So we're tired, hungry, tense, and Amia's completely bored and about to really let us know. We pull over to get gas and...oh, there's a McDonald's. With Happy Meals that have little toys in them. And there's an indoor playground. Damn they're good. We all get a much needed break and pretty soon Amia learns Golden Arches=fun and food!

Then recently we went to Ikea to get some furniture. Did you know they have a drop-in center?! Amia's now big enough and independent enough to enjoy herself for the first time. I can't tell you how nice it was to know that she was having fun, with the ball pool and tea sets and coloring station and all the other kids, and Suzanne could study in the cafe while I walked around looking for what we needed, unhurried, free of the need to know where the bathrooms are at all times. It. Was. So. Nice. But when I thought about it, I was like, IKEA JUST BABYSAT AMIA! Am I okay with that? YES! I now find myself daydreaming about going there again, Amia meeting new kids and scampering about, and where Suzanne and I can spend quality time together talking in the cafe. During the day, instead of at 10pm when we're both exhausted.

You can say a lot about multinationals like these, but I never thought I'd say that they make things easier for me as a parent. These kinds of things should take place in our communities and in our neighborhoods, but I find myself strangely appreciative of these financial monoliths that have made these family services available, for a variety of reasons and with an equal variety of consequences that have to be reflected on. I can tell you that's something I never thought about before becoming a parent.

I just figured out that red food dye, such as is found in Twizzlers (also known as The Red Temptress in...well, mostly in my head), makes Amia and I irritable and prone to freak outs. If I'd known that before I could have saved us both a brief but intense couple minutes before bed tonight. Oi.

Amia, fulfilling her tradition of tech savvy begun when she took her first steps towards our Apple laptop (not exactly what I imagined when I pictured her first steps), has really taken to a new website.

She was really grooving on the Ready Set Learn site for a while. Those are some of the first puzzles she ever did. Something about the colors and movement I think, because she did those matching games and puzzles before she wanted to do them in real life. We've noticed that she's very visually oriented and is really drawn to bright colors and interesting patterns.

Yesterday I found this site listed in the current issue of Newsweek and it's really really great so far. It's called Poisson Rouge and is designed specifically for kids. What does that mean? It means it gives free rein for them to explore. There's no introductory text telling them what to do. It has an easily navigable layout with over 200 games and puzzles which they're currently adding to. Amia LOVES it. I think she understands it better than I do! The games are challenging but in a fun way and her fine motor skills are really coming along as she learns to finesse the mouse. AND there's no ads! These two sites are the ones we feel most comfortable with because the pages are simple and calm.

I'd have to say that the sweetest thing in the world for Suzanne and I right now is Amia singing to Norah Jones in the back seat whenever we drive somewhere. She LOVES the songs 'Humble Me', aka "The Baby Song", and 'The Prettiest Thing', aka "The Song That Sounds Like the Baby Song". Sweetness is hearing a 3 year old girl singing "you humble me, Lord", and "the prettiest thing I ever did see...." I really wonder what she thinks those phrases mean...

Amia has been in a questioning mood since the spring, but she's really hit her stride in late summer and fall. For some reason I didn't think it would be this hard to answer a 3 year olds questions, but it.is.tough. She just keeps asking and asking till she's got you up against a wall with nowhere else to go except mommy. It's this persistent curiosity about the world that gets to the essential root of things. And her questions can usually be categorized along these lines:

The spiritual world

The natural world

The technical world

Human anatomy

Comedy

Things having to do with school

Work

Musicians and artists

Some brief samples. To get the full experience try answering these as if you were speaking to a 3 year old. And keep in mind that most of these are from single conversations.

A: Where is God? Was God born? Why did He create all of us? Why does He love me? Did He laugh when I was born?

A: Can boys have babies? Why not? When can I have babies?

A: When will it be winter? Why? Why does it get cold? When will it snow? Why does it snow? Why isn't the snow staying on the ground? (it was melting as it touched the ground) What's melting?

A: Who sings this? Why does she sing this? Why is this song so long?

A: Was that a joke? What's funny? Why is that funny? Why do I laugh? Why do I make people laugh? Why do people laugh?

A: Why do people love me? Why do I love them? What is love?

Any answers to these questions are appreciated and will be noted and credited if used in conversation.

I'm really thanking someone out there for this little thing called Facebook. Do you know how amazing this thing is? I've been digging it for a while, loving how easy it is to connect with all kinds of people I've been wanting to connect with. But I've just discovered another level--game applications.

My two favorites are Scrabulous (which I started playing after reading an article with the founder of Facebook who plays this with his grandparents), which is a Scrabble game, and Bogglific. These are my favorite games outside of the virtual world. I once went on a 7 year winning streak with Scrabble (only to be defeated one fateful day by my own hand), playing with anyone I could find. I have since played Scrabble maybe, maybe 2 times since becoming a parent. Now I can play with friends all over the world! And Bogglific is just quick games of Boggle with people from all over the world! I love it! I finally get to play board, er, um, screen, games. Although I'm a bit rusty with both games at this point, I'm having so much fun it doesn't matter.

There's a Baha'i prayer by 'Abdul-Baha (son of Baha'u'llah, the founder of the Baha'i Faith) for little girls that I just love. I explained the words to Amia and she really likes it when I say it with her, which makes it doubly sweet/awesome. Here it is:

"O Thou most glorious Lord! Make this little maidservant of Thine blessed and happy; cause her to be cherished at the threshold of Thy oneness, and let her drink deep from the cup of Thy love so that she may be filled with rapture and ecstasy and diffuse sweet-scented fragrance. Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful, and Thou art the All-Knowing, the All-Seeing."

If you've met Amia you know that she's got the 'happy', 'rapture' and 'ecstasy' parts down. Also 'little.'

And now I'll end with one of our favorite features here at by turns, the 'Amia Quote 'o the Day'.

Me: Do you want eggs for breakfast, Amia?Amia: Sure. You can't have me for breakfast! You need me in the world!

Amia: (eating a chicken drumstick for dinner, happily singing this song) We can all share a chicken today/We can share a chicken today/We can share a chicken today (repeat x20)

Amia: Mommy! I got really mad at S. (her best friend from school) but I stopped myself! I pulled on her coat because I was angry, then I calmed myself down!

Amia to Anya: Did you hold me when I was a baby?Anya: Yep! Do you remember when you were born?Amia: Yes! I was in mommy's tummy!Anya: Was it warm in there?Amia: And cozy! I was bent over like this (bends over in the fetal position). But I didn't always have arms, then one day I did and they were so fun to play with (excitedly waves hands in front of her face)! And sometimes I would kick like this (kicks legs quickly and repeatedly).Anya: Did it hurt when you were born?Amia: Yeah, it hurt me a little. But it hurt mommy A LOT.

Suzanne and I have been teaching Amia about responsibility a lot lately, and today Suzanne and I took on some of our own. We met with a lawyer to draft our will and testament. We did this for two reasons:

In the Baha'i book of laws, the Kitab-i-Aqdas, it is enjoined upon all Baha'is to complete a will and testament, and in that document to bear witness to their belief in the Oneness of God. So there's that. That's a pretty good reason. Also, in the Baha'i writings it says that in the next world the soul rejoices as the provisions of the will are carried out in this life. More on that in a second.

The second reason is, primarily, to provide for Amia's well-being in the case that Suzanne and I should both pass on before she's reached adulthood. See, if something happens to Suzanne and I and we're intestate (meaning we left no provisions for what should happen after our passing) Amia will most likely be placed with a family member by the state. But, in the meantime, while the court decides who she'd go with, she'd most likely be placed in foster care until the courts can settle things. When was the last time you heard of a government bureaucracy or the court system moving quickly or efficiently? Exactly. To prevent such a situation we're making a will (remember the whole "soul will rejoice in the next world..." thing? I can't imagine what it would be like to be in the next world watching this frustrating, sad situation play out as our families work day and night to extricate Amia from the thickets of foster care and state wardship. Plus, why put our families thru that when we can sit with a lawyer for an hour and take care of it now?).

What I thought would be kind of a morbid meeting, thinking about things like, what happens to our stuff if all 3 of us die?, or, if I'm on life support at what point do I want them to pull the plug?, it felt really, really good. I think it's because we're ensuring, one, that Amia will be cared for, and two, we're helping to ensure family unity by removing any question of what our wishes are regarding our physical things (not that our families will argue over who gets my iPod--that's probably the most valuable thing I own right now) and also saving them the trouble of having to deal with such hard questions in the midst of grieving.

One interesting point that our lawyer made is that the crucial times when people need a will, from a legal standpoint, is when they have young children and later on in life. I remember when I learned what would happen to Amia if we died intestate I came home and told Suzanne we needed to get a will right away. One year later we're finally getting down to it, and I'm not sure why. Is our death inconceivable to me right now? Is it too much trouble? Too costly? None of those are really satisfactory answers, and I'm kind of embarrassed it's taken this long. If something had happened and our nightmares became true and Amia became a ward of the state, for however long, what would I say? Sorry, we just never got around to it? How could I look her in the eye? Oh man. I'm glad we finally got down to it.

One of the recurring tests I've had as a parent is that it just.never.ends. I still remember that realization, about 3 months in--being a father is what I do all the time now, 24/7/365. I'll never stop being a parent. It literally felt like getting cold water thrown in my face. I think everybody gets tested differently as a parent, there's such a wide variety of experience, and this has been one of mine.

I was really feeling it last week for some reason. With Amia's new sleep schedule, as I've mentioned before, it's kind of nice because now Suzanne and I have evenings together to do with as we wish. But literally from the moment we wake up till 7-8 that night we're either with Amia or at work/school. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. In fact it's usually really fun. Amia CRACKS ME UP pretty consistently. And in comparison to when she was a baby and there wasn't really a set sleep schedule and we'd be lucky to have 30 minutes to ourselves this is a dream. But last week in particular I was just like, I NEED A DAY TO MYSELF! TO READ! WATCH MOVIES! TO BE BY MYSELF! TO BE WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY! I wanted to wake up, slowly, say prayers, have breakfast, read the Sunday Times, go for a ride, read, watch a movie, and then just let the day take me. I just realized that in the past 3.25 years I can't remember more than one day I've had completely to myself.

I think part of the reason it's hard for me is because I basically grew up as an only child. My brother moved out of the house when I was still pretty young. I remember having conversations with people that grew up with siblings and they remarked how lonely I must have been. I don't really remember ever feeling lonely. I got to spend a lot of time with myself and my parents, which was pretty great. And I think I kind of got used to it, just having my own space. Not having that now, ever, is a hard transition.

And I know, intellectually and emotionally, some of the benefits of this test. It's really beautiful, in every sense, sharing my life with such a wonderful little person and creating a little haven of harmony and peace in such a chaotic world. And part of that beauty comes from getting over my self, creating a space where the three of us are learning how to love each other and the world better. I get that. And it's awesome, in the true sense of the word. But a part of me wonders if it's really supposed to be like this. If ideally there would be a community that would help raise the children and be so actively involved in the raising up of children that, in a sense, the lines between family and friends would be blurred (not in the Shaker sense, who believed in having no one set of parents and having, literally, the community raise the children). That just seems so much more balanced. Also in that ideal world I wouldn't have to spend the majority of my waking hours at work and not with my family and my community.

Suzanne and I have talked about each of us having a day to ourselves, and Suzanne even did it once. But, interestingly, on the weekends I just want to spend time with Amia 'cause I really didn't get to during the week. So it's hard to imagine voluntarily not spending time with my family. I would just miss them. We've made due with having a couple hours at a time every once in a while, and that's usually done the trick and been very refreshing. After doing that we realized how important it is to take some time to feel refreshed, 'cause otherwise it can really wear you down if you don't take care of yourself.

I'm not really sure how to end this post. Maybe because I haven't really come to a conclusion in my own mind. I'm not sure why this aspect of parenting in particular has been such a test. But I'll sure let you know if I ever figure it out.