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August 2, 2009

Quick Review: Vampire on Bikini Beach (1988)

"Two teenagers find a book called "The Book of the Dead," and soon they
discover that a vampire cult, which needs the book to raise the dead so
they can take over the world, is after them."

I like bad movies, and in fact, we here at THC often like to sit around and watch them, cringe, and laugh at them. We even had/have a Bad Movie Club where we would buy each other the worst possible movies in an attempt to piss off/one-up each other.

This movie, however, went too far.

This wasn't even funny-bad, this was insanely-painful-like-analingus-from-an-angry-bear bad. It hurt. I know with a title like this that you can't really expect too much, but for Christ's sake can't we even expect a minimal amount of effort? A little bit of sense in the plot? Some halfway decent dialogue? Anything redeemable at all, no matter how small it is? The acting was atrocious (even from future House of 1000 Corpses star, Jennifer Jostyn), and I'm hoping that most of the actors in this were ever allowed to be in another movie ever. Never.

Lades and Gentlemen, Five Creepy Uncles!

The movie looked like it was shot and edited by meth addicts with distemper. It was jumbled and jumpy, and worst of all, slow. The music didn't help much either; what in the hell was with that band? The "Vampires" had endless drawn out monologues that made me ask if this was a filmed stage play and not a movie that we were watching. Oh, and their leader looked like Yanni, sans-mustache. I was praying that John Tesh was going to show up and stake the son of a bitch, but no such luck.

Worst of all, some crazy wizard shows up and brings with him an ending that confused us to the point that I said "It's over? What happened?!?" I still don't know... and neither would you if you had seen it, because they didn't fucking show us what happened!

Count Suckula.

We saw this on Comcast In-Demand, so if you really want to see how bad it is with your own eyes, or punish yourself harshly, then feel free to seek it out. Suckers.