Hope through the dark places

Grief:Let’s Talk It Over

Welcome. This blog is a place to share about the person in your life whose death has left you with a gaping hole in your heart, and staggering in the 70 mile/hour winds.

After my husband died, I told my story over and over–often in excruciating detail–to friends, family, even strangers. Was I hoping it would help me make sense out of my many conflicting and erratic feelings? Not really. More important, talking about Bill somehow, for the moment, seemed to bring him closer.

Most of my confidants simply listened and offered hugs. Others, like Job’s comforters, gave me advice. “It’s time to move on now; it’s been three months.”

I soon learned when to keep quiet.

Tell me about the person you’ve lost. What’s the most hurtful advice you’ve been given? The most comforting?

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12 Responses

I live in a small rural area, and had moved here with my beloved spouse who was a former marine,
during the vietnam years, and eventually he became a postal carrier, unfortunately for him, the management style changed, and after having retirements in the office, he was not allowed help and at one time became the only letter carrier for the town, he eventually wore out, and had
a massive heart attack, one week after our first grandchild was born.
we were both christians, and I tried to encoporate that in his service, with great is thy faithfulness as his song
but its been much harder for me, I am left without him
and some family have been very cruel, even a Pastor
son in law who has not been suportive,
within the church this past year we too had a murder -sucide of a woman and man, and his mom comes to our church, it was very hard, when I saw lisa post I imediately
understood her pain, I think almost every chrisitan I know is going through something, or non christian as well,
but being a Christian has helped in ways I cant explain
sometimes, a sense of peace can prevail at my weakest moment…I know what happned to my spouse is part of this sin filled world, and I look forward to the eternal hope that we have, thank you for your blog and website,
I was looking for some help today, and it did help.

Carol,
I’m so sorry about the loss of both your dad and your brother.
I understand your struggles with legalism…I went through that too and ultimately did come out on the other side of knowing my husband was with Jesus. It does take time, unfortunately.
Thank you so much for sharing…
Sandi

I am new to this blogging thing…and just spent my first Thanksgiving without my dad, he died 4/30/09 at the age of 91. My mom is 91 and now with Hospice, and I am afraid to face her death, which will leave me an ‘orphan’- I never married, always wanted to, never met “Mr. Right”. Selfish, yes. Still, I at times fall apart in tears, like today, several times. My father was a very strict Dutch Calvinist, and I am trying to find my way thru the stuff I lived with as a child, and find comfort in knowing he is with Jesus. My mom is utterly helpless since he died, they were married for 65 years-it hurts to see her struggle. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this grief business. Three yrs. ago, I lost a brother to a horrific death(he was found dead during a GR heat wave)- I am seeing a Psychologist and highly recommend it.

The grief that plagues my heart right now is the loss of my dear friend Stacey and her boys, Trevor (7) and Liam (3). They were killed on August 2nd by Russ (husband to Stacey and father to Trevor and Liam) who then turned the gun on himself. It has been over 2 months and I still feel as lost and in pain as ever. There are days that are good and then other days that are just so hard. There is an emptiness inside that spreads wherever it can and just pains me. The investigation is finally over and the contents of the note left behind has been publicized. Russ felt that their financial situation was just too hard and that he couldn’t do it anymore and that he took Stacey and the boys with him because Stacey wasn’t emotionally or financially capable of taking care of herself and the boys. Intellectually I know he was sick and that something was clearly wrong with him. But the emotional side is just so angry and hurt that he took it upon himself to decide that they didn’t have a right to live anymore. Stacey was one of my dearest friends and her boys were angels. I don’t know that this is ever something I will get over or understand. I know that time will make things better, it always does. But right now, I am just really struggling. I miss my friend and am devastated that she was taken away so callously and selfishly from the people who love her. The memorial service for Stacey, Trevor and Liam is on Oct. 17th. I expect it will be one of the hardest days of my life and I can only hope for the strength and grace needed to get through the day sane. If anyone reads this and prays – please pray for me and my daughter. We are grieving and are looking for some peace. Thank you,
Lisa McKay

When my mom died, we were relieved she no longer had to suffer, and she was finally in heaven with my dad. I was happy for her, even though I felt the loss.
I explained to our pastor that I felt joy/loss, and said, “Do I have to grieve?” He replied, “Yes, even Jesus wept.” After that I allowed myself to cry out the grief of missing her and the future events she would never share in my life.
I have sinced shared with others that grieving is necessary for healing.
Peggy

Sandi,
I just came upon your site from a friends’ site- Shelly Beach- and the title made me curious…so, I investigated.

I don’t know how much you know of Shelly or if you have read exserpts from her shellybeachonline.wordpress.com to know of me and my story over the past few months.

My husband, Steve, was diagnosed w/ squamos cell carsinoma of the head/neck in Jan. ’08 and died in June ’09- he lived only 18 months!!
WE did everything! all the treatments, dr. appointments, tests, drugs, you name it we did it. We traveled to Grand Rapids and Detroit to Karmano’s Cancer Institute and then the end in Carson City.

Shelly was a teacher of mine and it is b/c of her I met Steve 19 years ago.
We were married in Sept. 1990 and have 4 boys, ages 17,15, 13, and 7…yes, all boys.
They are good boys and sweet boys and now have to face the rest of their life w/o their Dad.
How do you answer that? Help them w/ that when you are struggling to survive yourself?
How can this be better? How can this be ok?
How can I help them understand why when i can’t even do it myself?

My family has been wonderful to me and very helpful. My brother is helping when he can. Steve’s friends from work and our church are stepping up.
Our coaching family is stepping up to the plate, too.

Most helpful words are ‘just ask, that’ all you have to do’. I know that, but sometimes that is hard for me. But, then I need a break, too; I am all these boys have and I need some TLC now and then.
Never in a million years did i ever imagine that this is where i would be in my life.

The care and outpouring of support has been wonderful. People stil stop to ask, give hugs, and cry. Pelple stop by just to check in on us. Friends call just to say ‘hi’ but I know it is more than that 😉

The most hurtful is his family and the way they have pretty much avoided me and the boys. I feel so disowned by them. They have not been around since the funeral and we have only seen them a couple of times and that was me in the area and going to them (again, I have to make the effort).
They tell me that I don’t have the right to say things that i need to say to help me heal and they think they are the victims, not me and the boys.
Now, really the only connection w/ them is ‘blood’ and that is it.
Seems to think you would want to see your daughter in law/sister in law and grandsons/nephews more over the summer b/c of eveything that has happened.
Don’t you think people would want to be there for their family and help them at the most unimaginable time in thier lives??Don’t you?
Well, not them. It is always an excuse to why they can’t and I am tired if it.

Steve’s sister has also had cancer in the past couple of years and I am no stranger to it w/ everything we have gone thru in the past 2 years w/ Steve but I get treated like I don’t have a clue.
Both she and his mom tell me how it feels, how i should be and they just don’t get it!
It makes me so mad; and then when I talk about it I get told ‘ Boy, that stung and you didn’t have any right to say those things’. Funny, I wasn’t talking about them but they always bring it back to them and how hurt they are.

Don’t hear anything out of them and now all of a sudden they want to send the boys cards, which makes them more sad and cry more, or talk like they are making plans to come to my oldest ftball game for homecoming ( & this is just b/c he is on the homecoming court as jr. class rep).
I don’t want them to come; the kids really don’t want them to come. But Iwill be so preoccupied /w Caleb and the festivities that I won’t really even see them.
They won’t even stay here for the night- and my birthday is the next day….AGH!!!!
HOW FRUSTRATING!!!!
Darned if I do/Darned if I don’t.
ANd when i think about it it makes me mad so I have to just put it out of my mind.

Things like Parent’s night is really bad but we had a wonderful guy go w/ Caleb and me on his Varsity night last week and mom-in-laws comment was ‘I don’t like you replacing Steve’.
I/We are not replacing Steve, this is what Caleb wanted and right now it is is what my son wants or any of them and they are going to get it. IT is his night, not mine and i have to support him no matter what.
I loved the choice he made and the person he asked was STeve’s best friend/like a brother and only wants the best for me and the boys.

More stupid things is just in everyday conversation w/ anyone; mostly those that don’t know the story or to put two and two together. Then I jsut smile and move on.

How do you get thru something of this magnitude? Move on?
The only thing that makes me go each day is my kids/job. They depend on me- I am all they’ve got!!!
They now depend on me for everything- food, shelter, school, clothes, support in their endevers, sports, church activites, yth.group, ect the list goes on and on….

The million dollar question….”How are you doing?” and “What can we do for you to make this better/fix this?”
And for either one there is no answer to really answer these questions; there’s just not.

We are doing t’shirt sales and the profit is going into a fund and will be used to do a memorial @ the football field next year and then dedicate it on the night of Caleb’s 1st home game his Varsity year (next fall).
Neat and a little healing to my heart to see so many of those floating around…. I know Steve is watching and can see them and would be proud.

What a legacy Steve left on this little sleepy town in Cental Michigan.
There were over 500 people @ his funeral. Correction officers stood around the sides and across the back of the building so that others could have a seat.
I knew it would be big and it was!!!

Thanks for letting me rattle for a few minutes. If you get a chance and want to chat w/ Shelly she’ll fill you in a bit more on us and our family.
Keep this site going- looks like something I would use 🙂

"Words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' crazy."
Kelly Schleyer Powers

"You do not work through bereavement. It works through you."
Virginia Ironside,
'You'll Get Over It'-The Rage of Bereavement

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

"I wish you would've told me," she said, "that losing you would be like losing my life."
...taken from author, Mary De Muth's novel, The Muir House.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

"In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with divine mercy. Your Shepherd invites you there. He wants you to lie down. Nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried, in the tall shoots of his love, and there you will find rest."
...Max Lucado,Traveling Light