The 22 Best Lines From Last Night’s Roast of Anthony Bourdain

As you’ve no doubt heard, last night cooks and comedians alike got together at Pier Sixty to roast Anthony Bourdain. Among those taking part: Mario Batali, Guy Fieri, Ted Allen, Eric Ripert, Rachael Ray, Gilbert Gottfried, MSNBC’s Willie Geist, comedian Bonnie McFarlane, and lots of other people. It was a night for mutual respect and lots and lots of dick jokes. Needless to say, the jokes get … salty. See the best of the bunch, straight ahead.

“Could you have picked a worse night for this, you pompous ass? There is a home Yankee playoffs game and a Vice Presidential debate. What were the other options? New Year’s Eve or the 9/11 anniversary?” — Jim Norton

“Mario Batali is a brilliant chef, we can’t deny that. In fact, Babbo is so hard to get into that Mario has to blow himself to get a table. Sometimes, he even does it on slow nights, just for fun.” — Willie Geist

“The great Eric Ripert is here tonight. Eric sure knows how to cook meat, but the only thing he knows how to butcher is the English language. Eric, you’ve been here for 25 years, buy a fucking Rosetta Stone.” — Willie Geist

“Anthony Bourdain, of course, has huge talent, and he’s the first to tell you that. If his ego got any bigger, it would look like Paula Deen’s thighs.” — Willie Geist

“You can’t top Anthony’s love for exotic food. Anthony will never forget the time he ate sheep’s testicles but he was probably too drunk to remember the time he ate Guy Fieri’s.” — Mario Batali

“Anthony is famous for traveling the world and eating a lot of weird shit. And you look good for a guy who’s been in Brazil eating turtle clits for two years.” — Artie Lange

[To Mario Batali] “You look like Kiefer Sutherland, only you’re double his size. You could star on a show called 48” — Artie Lange

“Look at all these wonderful chefs… and Rachael Ray. Rachael doesn’t measure any of her ingredients in the kitchen. She just ‘guesstimates,’ although, to be fair, that orange powder in the Kraft macaroni and cheese box is already measured, so it’s really not that impressive. Rachael Ray is the only person on this stage who can make homemade bread using nothing but store-bought bread. It’s a gift”. — Ted Allen

“Guy, I remember the first time I met you, you taught me how to pronounce your name correctly. Just fit the word ‘fee’ and ‘Eddie,’ because no one is more concerned about Italian authenticity than the motherfucker who created Johnny Garlic’s.” — Ted Allen

“Speaking of dicks, let’s get right to the biggest one. Anthony Bourdain, the original culinary gangster, spitting truth to power, taking down the hacks and phonies, all in a $4000-Hermes suit. Tall, silver-haired, handsome and rich. He’s just like Eric Ripert, except you can understand what the fuck he’s saying.” — Ted Allen

“When Tony and I were on the Martha Stewart show, Martha got so frustrated by Tony’s lack of skills. She put him on a pasta machine. This is a true story, too. And, in a restaurant, that’s the last job they give you before you get fired. And Martha, finally said, ‘Tony, have you ever worked in a restaurant?’ And, it was a good question. And, let me tell you, you don’t fuck with Martha. As we say in French, ‘She’ll cut a bitch.’ And, make no mistake, Anthony, this bitch is you.” — Eric Ripert

“As you know, Eric is the host of his own PBS TV series called Avec Eric. I don’t speak French, but I assume ‘avec’ means incredibly boring.” — Ted Allen

“I didn’t wanna be mean tonight, but this is like a roundup of people with fetal alcohol syndrome. It’s like a Shrek family reunion. There hasn’t been this many hard-to-look-at-people since Japan’s nuclear explosion. You guys are so ugly, Ted Allen is going straight. The only thing that looks worse is a plate of Rachael Ray’s slop.” — Bonnie McFarlane

“Rachael [Ray], your food is like poison. Do the world a favor and feed it to Guy Fieri. He’s so annoying. I think he wears his sunglasses backwards so people get confused and don’t punch him in the face. I think it’d be an improvement if people punched you in the face. You’re like if Billy Idol and a hippo had a baby.” — Bonnie McFarlane

“Mario [Batali] is so fat that every mosquito that’s ever bit him is on Lipitor. He’s so greasy, Bloomberg tried to ban him in 2008. Your gout has spread to your neck … He loves olive oil because that’s how he gets in and out of his car. When his mom gave birth to him, she had a C, D, E and F section. At his restaurant, his kitchen has stretch marks. When he walks, his thighs get rubbed more than John Travolta’s dick by a reluctant masseuse.” — Bonnie McFarlane

[To Anthony Bourdain] “I guess you’re famous for eating ass and balls on TV. It’s like you can’t tell the difference between a restaurant and a bathhouse. It’s a good move. Popping balls in your mouth will get you famous.” — Bonnie McFarlane

“Everybody’s been asking me, ‘What on earth are you going to say at Bourdain’s roast? He’s been shit-talking your name everywhere.’ And I’ve been saying, ‘Don’t you worry about me. I won’t touch him with a 10-pole, because smack-talking Bourdain would be like hitting a piñata full of shit.’ Real messy. I want everyone to understand that I’m going to be the bigger man. I’m going to take the high road. I wouldn’t dare come up here and call Anthony Bourdain any of these things that people have called him: No-good, loud mouth, jerkoff, wannabe authority, pseudo rebel, nerd, shit-talking, blow hard, celebrity-seeking, Eric-Ripert coattail, Mario Batali ass-kissing hate monger … Jose Canseco of the food world, snaggle tooth, Lurch-looking motherfucker. No, I’m here to take the high road.” — Guy Fieri

“Anthony, I gotta ask a question, why do you hate me so much brother? … Is it because you went to a fancy culinary school and I didn’t? I hear you’re the only one in class who did most of his cooking with a spoon and a Bic lighter.” — Guy Fieri

“Mario Batali, they’ve already done jokes about your weight so I’m going to avoid jokes about your weight. I’m going to avoid: Mario Batali is so fucking fat that his cereal bowl has a life guard. … Mario Batali is so fat people jog around him for exercise. Mario Batali is so fat that he once jumped in the air and got stuck. Mario Batali is so fat, in order to sleep on a waterbed, they had to throw a sheet on the ocean. Mario Batali is so fat, when he eats an apple, people think it’s a barbecue … Mario Batali is so fat that he went to a doctor and the doctor said you have a flesh-eating virus; you’ll be dead in 30 years.” — Gilbert Gottfried

[To Ted Allen] “What can I say or do to you that’s worse than what your producers do to you on Chopped every fucking episode? You’re fine, you’re fine. But have these motherfuckers ever thought about something called ‘production values’? It’s like a porn film. It’s like porn without the porn. You were so much better on Top Chef. You should never have stolen Padma’s stash of weed.” — Anthony Bourdain

[To Guy Fieri] “The man, the legend, the guy who just dropped a 500-seat deuce into Times Square … Look at this thing, look, look! It’s like TGI Friday’s and Nickelback fucked Giant’s Stadium, and out came this. Who put up the money for this?” — Anthony Bourdain

[To Guy Fieri, again] “What are you, 48? 49? Are you pushing 50? Which begs the question… when will you start to de-douche? Are we going to gradually segue to more age-appropriate attire? As the years pass, will the sun glass slowly move forward, eventually finding their way to, say, your eyes? What then? Will your cruel masters at Food Network jettisen you like they did Mario and Emeril before you? I’m worried about this.” — Anthony Bourdain