Pages

Thursday, 21 August 2014

The sadomasochists paradox

Blogger hates me, i have lost a post i spent time putting together, i published a post and it appeared, then disappeared! and i swear my drafts folder has posts missing!

The sadomasochists paradox (wanting/desiring that what we do not like)

Have you ever read something, a blog post, an erotic story etc, saw an image, that at first repulses you, you think its disgusting, too painful, not your 'thing'? but you find yourself going back, just out of curiosity, and you dont want to admit it to yourself, because eww no its just wrong, but your intrigued by it.

You think about it, perhaps fantasise about it, you dont mention it to anyone else, what might they think! and after all you dont like it, but deep down, if your honest with yourself it holds an appeal, you cant stop thinking about it, you dont want to do it of course, oh no, but yet you keep going back to read that blog post, that story, look at those images.

I have, many a time.

Its through choice, that one may decide to give it a go or not, a conflicting choice, "what if i do it but i really hate it?" or "if i dont, i could be missing out on something i may well enjoy?".......however what if those choices were not yours to make?

My Master insists on being privy to my fantasies, thoughts and ideas etc, does not mean he will necessarily act on them, sometimes i hope he will, and other times my thoughts are like as i described above, there is uncertainty, a dislike, but yet i fantasise about it, but the choice on whether i want to give it a go or not is not mine to make, its his.

So some things, even now, that we do, i dislike, they have been made reality, and i can confirm that my inital reactions were spot on....i dont bloody like it! no matter how many times it may be re-visited, i still dont like it.

But, still, thinking about it, especially when i know its going to happen, i want it, i desire it, i know im not going to like it, but what i do like is that i have no choice in the matter, its his control, his dominance over me that becomes and is more important than the physical.

Yes! I can want something and not want it at the same time. Then there are other things that I never want, but I do them because I'm his slave and have to obey. In the end it makes me feel good that I did what he wanted though.

There's been some things that I've thought about and been a bit obsessed reading or thinking about, but never shared because I didn't think I'd actually like it or was worried about what he'd think of me. Then somehow he senses it and does it anyway. He's like that... Of course then I don't like it just as much as I knew I wouldn't. But I let him, he's "making" me do it. And that in itself is what gets me. So I'm not turned on by whatever stupid thing it is, I'm turned on by being made to do it. In time, I learn to like it ;-)

oh yes, this is so much me too - the fascination/horror/cant stop looking thing!

working out (earlier this year) that I'm an emotional masochist as well as physical has helped me so much, everything makes so much more sense - especially the wanting things I don't want and don't like thing!

Mine makes me tell him all the things I fantasize about, especially that I masturbate to. It's so embarrassing sometimes. And yet I have to do it. I wish some of them didn't excite me. But the control is so damn exciting.