International Cabby Awards Announced

Winners of the best in-taxi-safety and receipt-reminder messages of the year—the prestigious Cabbys—were announced today by the International Buckle-Up Bureau, in suburban Cleveland, Ohio.

Best production values: “What’s Up with Taking a Taxi, Dude?” Produced by the Greater Los Angeles Limousine and Valet-Parking Authority. Performed live at the Getty Museum, and featuring the many voices of Mr. Robin Williams. Musical score composed by Randy Newman and performed by the Santa Monica Pier Symphonia. Guest narrator: Ms. Jackie Collins. Forty-five seconds.

Best use of alternative technology: For the use of cans and string in “Bus-Loving Peoples Vow Death (to the Taxi-Snob Claque!).” Produced by the Prefecture of P’yongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Producer: Kim Jong Il. Lead vocal: Kim Jong Il. Kazoo solo: Kim Jong Il. Mixing: Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong Il, composer. One hour forty-three seconds.

Easiest message to understand: “Attention! It Is Expressly Forbidden to Ride Without a Fastened Seat Belt in Taxis in Which It Is Forbidden to Ride Without a Fastened Seat Belt.” Produced by the Berlin District Office of Public Transport Works and the Directorate of Citizen-Safety Supervision of the Streets, Subways, Trolleys, and Waterways of the Federal Republic. Music adapted from Zutz’s “The March of the Prussian Babies.” Performed by the Autobus Drivers’ and Conductors’ Union Benevolent Society Volksband. Six minutes fifty-two seconds.

Best expression of civic spirit: “You Deserve a Good Strong Belt!” Produced by the City of San Francisco Taxi-Passenger Wellness Coöperative and the Golden Gate Tots-in-Taxis Program. Performed by the Bolinas Silence-Is-Golden Mime Collective, in loving harmony with and respect for all moving things. Thirty-four minutes.

Most creative concept: “We Have Sold All the Seat Belts to Buy Medicine, and the Taxis, Too (Song of the Baghdad Taxi Guard).” Conceived and produced by the Emergency Council for the Greater Baghdad Mobile Defense Corps. Four minutes thirty-five seconds.

Catchiest text or lyrics in a traditional form: “Viva Los Seat Belts! (Ain’t Gonna Gamble My Ass).” Produced by the Las Vegas Chamber of Visitor Satisfaction, Honorary Chairman Steve Wynn, Chairman Kirk Kerkorian. Musical theme composed, arranged, and conducted by Don King and recorded live at the Bugsy Siegel Convention Center by the World Boxing Association Glee Club. Two minutes twenty-three seconds.

Catchiest text or lyrics in a nontraditional form: “Rappin’ (All the Way to the F——-’ Morgue!).” Produced and performed by Big Fat Ten-Ton Hog and the Toxic Anarchy Krue for the Civic Uplift Committee of the Coral Gables Junior League. Fifty-three minutes.

Best alternative script: For the use of haiku in “The Taxi Weeps.” “To see the seat belt / Lying like a dead serpent / Are your marbles gone?” Produced by the Tokyo Traffic Serenity Council. Performed by the Toyota Motor Corporation Upholstery Shop Kabuki Little Theatre. Fifty-six seconds.

Best sound effects: “One Shan’t Get to Ascot Whilst One’s Dead!” Produced by the Greater London Steam Traction and Horse-Drawn Hansom Council. Car-crash effects by the Royal Driving Academy. Fifty-two seconds.

Best dramatic performance by an ensemble cast: “France Is Seat Belts, Seat Belts Are France.” Produced by the Paris Institute for Motorized Culture, in association with the Academy of the Philosophy of Collision. The Fool: Jean-Pierre Léaud. The Houri: Juliette Binoche. The Périphérique: Fanny Ardant. Eternal Pain: Gérard Depardieu. Sixty-eight seconds (approx.).

Best use of indigenous imagery: “Go Ahead—Be a Brazil Nut!” Produced by the São Paulo Urban Hospital Association for the São Paulo District Taxi Council. Nut-cracking sound effects by the Hot Club of the Alciente Amazon Tribe, without permission, mixed and mastered at Sound Off Studios, Nashville, Tennessee. One minute.