Monday, April 30, 2007

Your Definitive Source for Douchebaggery

Someone from Bowling Green, Ohio reached my site by Googling "commercial work in new york." Now, I'll let everyone wallow in that delicious irony for a second. There...uncomfortable yet? Good.

However cynical I may be about the commercial acting world, I wouldn't want my new Ohio friend to leave my blog without first gathering at least a modicum of sagely advice. So, I offer the following hot tips that may just help the fresh, young actor in the New York commercial scene:

1. Send headshots constantly and make sure you include cute little notes along with your picture. Casting agents and directors like nothing more than sifting through mounds of airbrushed nonsense only to be greeted with an eye-catching quip like "I've got the goods" or "let's make magic together."

2. When you arrive for the audition, talk loudly and incessantly. You're sure to draw attention to yourself by bloviating like a braying jackass. Feigning friendship or interest in the lives of the casting directors is also a plus.

"Hey, how's that baby doing? She walking yet?"

"She's dead."

3. During the audition, ignore all improvisation rules and make it about you. It's important that you run this puppy, because chances are this red-cheeked asshole doesn't know how to make things up. Make sure to dominate the situation regardless of how nonsensical the words coming out of your mouth may be.

4. After the audition, make sure to say in an obnoxious, boastful voice to your fellow actors "you can all go home. I nailed it" or some other trite bullshit that EVERY SINGLE ACTOR IN THE HISTORY OF THE BUSINESS HAS EITHER THOUGHT OF OR SAID SO PLEASE STOP DOING IT...YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL.

5. On your way out, make sure everyone knows that you teach improv at some fake school somewhere so that you can lure some poor dope into dropping hundreds of dollars on learning the art of making shit up.

6. Take a long walk off a short pier.

I hope this has been entertaining, as well as informative. You could take my advice, or ignore all the above and be a real person. NOBODY'S doing that right now. Who knows? Maybe it'll catch on.