“I hate the fact you always feel like you have to be going somewhere, like the end destination is to be finished, or to be happy.

But the truth is a lot of us are completely lost, and we don’t know, and that is also a state of mind, to not know who you are and where you’re going. “

=

Lykke Li

–

——-

“I think I was born restless.

This urgency to find meaning, to be meaningful has never left my chest.”

=

Nikita Amin

——–

–

“The only people who ever get anyplace interesting are the people who get lost.”

=

Thoreau

–

———

Well.

I just thought about this as I read a dialogue in a book I was reading …

“You were the lost gentleman who wasn’t sure what he was looking for … did you find it?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps.”

–

So.

This made me think … ‘where are you going’ very often feels a lot like ‘lost.’

And it surely very often feels a lot like ‘not exactly sure what you are looking for.’

Ok.

Having just said that as an older person … when you are young … say in high school but even college into young 20something … this question “where are you going?” may be the question that keeps young people up at night.

We adults flippantly refer to their irresponsibility and carefree attitudes … and all the while they … well … they worry.

They worry about having a purpose or meaningful life.

They worry about meeting commitments.

They worry about doing something they can be good at.

And while they worry about all that stuff we sit them down and share a bunch of trite soundbites. I sometimes believe we get caught up in the trite “do what you are passionate about” or “find out what you are good at and focus on being the best at it” or any of the gazillion pieces of tripe you can access online.

We are not doing our young any favors by heading them down this rabbit hole.

My favorite presentation to high school juniors & seniors <and the favorite one of the teachers and administration> is one called “do you know where are you going?”

I share things teachers wrote about me in my yearbook.

I share the path of my career.

I share the choices I made throughout Life.

And I also share some aspects of similar choices made by my three best friends from high school.

Basically I share that there is no one path to knowing where to go.

Journeys are journeys and destinations are destinations.

Sound trite? You bet. Trite truth? You bet.

At this age it is very very difficult because you are actually being asked to judge where you are at this exact instant but also judge where you want to go.

Seriously though.

How often are they told that where they are is exactly where you need to be.

<not very often>

It is not often they are told you’ve done the best you could in each moment leading up to now.

It is not often they are told that instead of judging they should just think about what you can do to get to where you would like to be.

Wherever ‘like to be’ is.

—–

“It seems to me that the years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically.

It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult …

but you are not ready.”

=

–

Helen Mirren

—–

Ok.

Les talk about this whole where you would like to be thing and that amazing angst driven painful brain twisting process.

Being sure of what you want to do and who you want to be in your teens is ludicrous.

Fucking nuts.

Why?

—–

“The truth has a way of changing a person’s plans.”

=

Tris Prior

—–

Life is not just reality … it is a version of truth. And, well, it is a truth borne of experience and not some speculative “I think” type pondering.

Now.

I am not suggesting we shouldn’t think about it nor am I suggesting we shouldn’t do our best at the onset of adulthood <or in preparation to adulthood>.

With the cost of a college degree often topping a quarter million dollars we should make sure they think long and hard about what they want to study or what you want to do with the initial steps into adulthood.

In fact … there are some interesting options available to some people … like this online test with a company called Latitude … now called YouScience College Success Profile < I received a note from someone asking if I could change from Latitude because …. could you change YouScience’s product from Latitude to the YouScience College Success Profile? The company changed the name earlier this year > which seems kind of cool:

=

New Online Test Helps Students Choose Career Paths

–

Discover What You’re Wired to Do Well :

YouScience College Success Profile’s online assessment answers what you’ll naturally do best and why through engaging 5 to 12 minute exercises, which reveal 14 of the aptitudes most important to college and career, plus personal interests.

–

Chart a Path to Your Matched Careers:

YouScience College Success Profile’s patent-pending technology accurately matches your natural abilities to more than 500 career options complete with all the actionable information you need to get there.

Tricia’s son Carter is a junior in high school who is thinking about a career in music or sports. While supportive of his interests, Tricia wanted him to look at other possibilities. That’s why she suggested a new online assessment tool called YouScience College Success Profile. According to the CEO of the company that developed the program, it’s designed specifically to help students zero in on a course of study that fits their interests and skills.

“We help them understand themselves in the context of work by testing them and assessing them on the 14 aptitudes or natural abilities that are most important to career choice,” explained Philip Hardin, CEO of Youscience.

This is not like taking an SAT, according to Carter, who took the test back in December. Instead, it focuses on things like eye-hand coordination, idea generation, pattern memory and inductive reasoning. Based on the results, the program matches students’ abilities with careers requiring those skills.

Other than musical composer, all of the careers were things that Carter had never considered. He was particularly surprised when the test indicated he would make a good medical engineer.

“I didn’t think I wanted to go into medicine,” Carter said. “But then I looked at the description of the job itself and it intrigued me,” he said.

“My mom said, ‘Take this test. I want to make sure this is really what you should be doing’”, she said. “I’d like her to be able to consider other possibilities before it’s too late,” Tricia said. “Before we put $250,000 into an education and she decides she wants to be a painter.”

——

First.

To be clear.

I look at these tests like I do research. Research doesn’t give you answers … it only informs the decision. Far too many people <mostly adults> use these tests to make a decision.

Silly.

And often misguided.

They should be used to inform what you do know … and be part of the decision making process … not the decision itself.

Second.

If it does not make the decision for you … do tests like this really affect kid’s thinking?

Well.

This one kid, Carter, is still thinking about a career in music but he said the test gave him a lot to think about.

Uhm. Thinking is good.

Look.

I do know my parents made me take one of these ‘what kind of career would be good for you’ tests because they were seriously concerned that I was going to waste my Life <by the way … the jury s still out on that>.

My test results?

Number one was Forest Ranger <and I hate camping … and my father’s head would have exploded if I had chosen this as a career>>.

Number two was Engineer <and I had no interest in this … although my parents would have been ecstatic if I had chosen this path>.

Now.

What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?

I had no clue what I wanted to do then.

I do know at some point I got really lucky in that I found that I loved what I did professionally.

But.

People have always wondered why I chose that career and have offered a wide variety of alternative careers they thought I would have been good <better> at.

And that makes me wonder, just on random occasions, if I chose the right or best career for myself.

Anyway.

I imagine the real discussion on deciding where you want to go is that there are a shitload of careers out there.

There are so many careers & professions … most people don’t even know they exist.

If you think you are out of options you are not even close.

Once again.

Where are you going?

At any age … not just the young … while difficult … don’t judge where you are at this exact instant.

—–

I stopped telling myself that I’m lost.

I’m not.

I’m on a road with no destination, I’m just driving with hope that I’ll find a place that I like and I’ll stay there.

I’m not lost, I’m on my way.

=

Ahunnaya

—–

–

Inevitably you are going to make choices.

Because that is what growing up is all about.

Making choices.

And part of growing up is learning to live with the choices.

And while I love to discuss big dreams and big thinking with young people … in the end of almost every “do you know where you are going” discussion <or lecture> I like to end with this thought.

I believe part of growing up encompasses the big … and small … of the inevitable life choices you have to make in figuring out where you are going.

And, oh by the way, most of us never stop growing up.

One of the choices is where you make your stand. Or at least where you make a stand for awhile. Some guy named Charles Eames called it ‘your corner.’

—–

“Choose your corner, pick away at it carefully, intensely and to the best of your ability and that way you might change the world.”

=

–

Charles Eames

—–

Sometimes we make the ‘where are you going’ question and discussion so big and vast <in the attempt to be sure we don’t miss an ‘opportunity’>.

Sometimes we make it so small and almost inconsequential <in the attempt to make it manageable>.

Where are you going is neither big nor small.

It is about owning a corner in the world.

Your corner.

That’s it.

Just find a corner and change the world.

Oh.

And remember … there are at least 4 corners you can explore <that comes from the restless soul that is me>.

I’ve always thought the most unforgivable is to have a gift and turn your back on it.”

=

Ruth Reichl

——-

I don’t know where I first saw this quote.

But I do know that I immediately it.

Here is what I think.

We are truly a forgiving society.

Yes.

Quick to blame and chastise.

But.

Just as quick to forgive <after bludgeoning you with some self-righteous indignation>.

But society does not even have an opportunity to forgive you <or bludgeon you> with this crime … because turning your back on a gift is actually an unseen crime <most of the time>.

Hmmmm.

This means you can commit this crime and never be punished.

Never be chastised.

And never have the opportunity to be forgiven.

What I mean is that even if society does notice … it may simply cast a glance at you wasting your gift and forgive you despite the fact you are actually cheating the world of your gift.

Ah … but yourself? The unforgivable crime is really to oneself.

I could list all the reasons why someone ignores their gift … some may seem silly .. and some may seem realer than anything in Life.

Let me be clear.

Having a gift does NOT mean that Life is any easier. In fact … it may make it tougher on occasion and you certainly would have to learn to say ‘fuck you’ to critics & doubters & … well … a shitload of people who do not have a gift.

Hell.

You even have to say ‘fuck you’ to even people who recognize you have a gift.

Having a gift can be construed as a burden because it comes with some pressure. Oddly I wrote about this burden & pressure aspect awhile back citing Andy Roddick of all people.

But.

The list of ‘why we ignore‘ doesn’t matter.

Good reasons or bad reasons … it is a crime to turn your back on your gift.

I am so unequivocal on this because while I do believe all of us have something to offer and all of us can contribute in some form or fashion in the world … not everyone has a gift.

Sorry to tell people that.

Some of us schmucks just muddle thru Life doing the best we can with what we have. We have no real gift or spectacular talent other than maybe being able to survive the grind successfully with character & a good moral compass <which ain’t bad by the way>.

But if you are one of the happy few who do have a gift … you can’t simply say “uhm, I would like to return this gift” … shit … you cannot even regift it.

Once you have a gift it is a non transferable non returnable gift exclusive to you.

Do not use? It never gets used.

Not using your gift isn’t sad … it isn’t disappointing … it is an unforgivable crime.

Ok. But why do most people ignore their gift?

I imagine is really is not fear … it is simply about waiting … until it is too late.

It’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?

We have a habit of believing a future moment will end up being more important than the present. We simply keep holding off for some better time or moment we are sure <see: imagine>will be better to display the gift we have.

—

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one.

But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.”

=

Eckhart Tolle

—

Anyway.

Whether it is natural to wait for a better moment … some ‘more important time to step up in the future‘ … suffice it to say that not using a gift you have in the here & now … this special talent give to you and only you … is not a waste … you are simply committing a crime in the here & now.

And that crime is truly unforgivable if you know you have this gift and simply ignore it.

Shit.

Just think about what I have written a little.

If you truly have a gift … ignore all the reasons to not use your gift.

If you believe how you think, what you think … and what you know <and what you think you know> is the foundational idea of Life <and growing up> then you would have to believe by expanding the circle of knowledge you are simultaneously expanding the boundaries of ignorance.

In other words, the more things you learn, the more things you become aware you don’t know.

Now that, my friends, is an awesomely simple concept.

The whole idea of ignorance always outpacing knowledge and learning is something I believe we should think about more often.

Why?

Because <1> … we make comparisons or judgments based on linear standards.
This is relevant to growing up, test scores and even performance reviews.

“If you started here you should be here by this time” is measuring progress as a straight line equation <and Life is anything but lived in a straight line>.

Because <2> … we feel a constant failure to learn everything <or more>.

Therefore we constantly get discouraged because by remaining in the ‘ignorance zone,’ despite having invested energy in knowledge gathering to actually get out of that zone, one can theoretically never feel a satisfaction of ‘something completed’.

Because <part3> …. Ignorance attacks you in a 360degree fashion.

This only matters because we attack ignorance on a focused limited degree approach.

I will illustrate by showing you this diagram <which I did not do> where the circle of knowledge has inconsistent edges.

When I saw this diagram I thought it perfectly reflected:

– how people expand their learning knowledge <outside a school construct as well as inside a school construct>

—

– my own personal challenge when it comes to increasing knowledge and ignorance

—

– why people <in general> grow up unevenly

——–

Suffice it to say … even as we expand ourselves and get better … the choices we make … well … make us grow unevenly.

And that can not only make us feel uncomfortable but it can also make the people around us feel uncomfortable.

———

“Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you.”

Gayle Forman

——–

Regardless.

All this unevenness is simply growth … and growing up.

Each spike in learning and knowledge is the another initial breakthrough in the attack on ignorance.

Each spike inevitably leads to a curiosity driven rounding out of fuller understanding and knowledge.

Using myself as an example … beyond some ’rounding out’ I would imagine there is an inevitable new ‘spike’ somewhere else … I assume I had read or heard something that piqued my curiosity in another direction.

Therefore, and I believe this is the neatest thought, this is a perpetual process with spikes and rounding out but in the end the circle just keeps getting bigger and bigger <and bigger is better>.

Unfortunately … this is also a reflection of growing up.

Growing up is uneven.

You become more expert and informed on certain topics at the expense of others … some experiences at the expense of others.

This also has repercussions on where people end up in Life.

The well rounded circle – that might have characterized the end of the classic education system and the classically defined ‘well rounded person’ – is inevitably being replaced with the profile of an expert <or increased passion on a topic> in some particular domain.

This inevitably means creating a person who will never end up with a perfect circle … but rather an ellipse, at best, or some wacky trapezoid <or some random shape with edges … not rounded curves>. And some people will actually be a straight relatively thin rectangle.

But.

My main point?

There is no such thing as a well rounded person. You may aspire to be well rounded but even at your best … you are some shape other than a circle type person.

I admit.

I like this thought.

I like that we all grow up unevenly and we learn unevenly,

It implies society & culture is like a jig saw puzzle up to us humans o figure out how to fit together.

But his also creates some problems for us wacky ‘comfortable with a plan’ group of citizens.

It focuses us on ‘we need to build this type of expertise’ silos of people. And yet people, in general, are maximize in a more random ‘stimulate and go in whatever direction you want to go way.

———

“Any fool can know.

The point is to understand.”

=

Albert Einstein

———-

Look.

We know what we want.

We want ourselves, anyone in fact, to simply be a well rounded individual maximizing their talents.

We don’t really understand how to attain it <because there is a randomness to the plan>.

While “we are made up of layers, cells, constellations” is a little too poetically nebulous for me … I do like ‘we grow up unevenly.’

And I do believe it makes us a little uncomfortable … this unevenness.

And we try and try <and try again> to even it out as much as we can.

Uhm.

Maybe we should be investing the same energy to encourage passionate energetic unevenness instead.

Maybe if we did that the overall ‘grown-upedness’ or intellectualism of all people would simply reside at a higher level.

And then I would have to assume we would be smart enough to then figure out how to put all the uneven jig saw pieces together and create a better happier world <with happier people as individuals>.

“I know that he’s happy right now. I can’t wait to see him and just celebrate this win with him. I don’t get to see him a lot. But My father has always been there for me my whole life. To be able to share these moments with him — I know that he’s nervous during games. I always tell him to just drink a brewski and just chill. But I know how he is, so I can’t wait to celebrate with him.” – Joakim Noah <about his father>

Ok.

This is not “the” Noah … but Joakim Noah … and his dad Yannick.

I never thought I would ever write about the Chicago Bulls Joakim Noah.

He is absolutely everything I hate about an athlete <loud, over the top, gregarious, almost too competitive> … and yet … he is absolutely everything I love about an athlete <obviously enjoys the game, non stop energy … EVERY game, an ‘I am willing to play whatever role you want me to play’ attitude>.

Regardless.

The other night Joakim’s dad, Yannick, went to a Bulls game.

And this became one of those priceless moments in sports. Yannick, who won a French Open for god’s sake, and has a pretty successful musical career in France/Europe now <therefore could deservedly have a little attitude of his own> … was nothing more than a dad for one night.

Yannick shrugged off a quick in-game interview with ABC during the game to enthusiastically cheer on his son who had just pulled off an impressive sequence of hustle plays.

Yannick began shouting and clapping before giving his son a standing ovation.

But it wasn’t just the cheering.

His face.

His face was etched with everything a parent feels for their child … open for all to see.

Pride <of his child>.

Love <for his child>.

Support <unthinkingly spontaneous for his child>.

One look and you knew … well … he was a father.

And after the game ?

When they interviewed Joakim?

He was charmingly shy in discussing his father.

Here is the loud boisterous almost aggravatingly competitive player on court … and not embarrassed by his father’s support … but more like respectful of their mutually caring relationship.

Aw.

Nuts.

Am I reading too much into all this?

Sure. Possibly <actually … likely>.

But who cares. This was a priceless father – son moment. A priceless parent moment.

I had initially mapped out some thoughts on her freakishly big tongue and her innate desire to share it with all of us but found myself suggesting some quite inappropriate thoughts about a 20 year old.

I say all this because it prompted me to share some real thoughts about Miley which make me sigh <not about her … but about us>.

First.

Her performance at the VMA’s kind of creeped me out … and made me feel like a voyeuristic creepy old man. oh. While I didn’t feel like a voyeuristic creepy old man watching other acts on the VMA’s <see Lady GaGa as an example> I did feel creeped out several times. But, hey, this was the VMAs and this was egotistical artists shocking people <because most of them have insignificant true talent>.

Second.

She made me realize I need to go buy a foam finger because there are so many additional uses for it than I ever imagined.

Third.

She is an entertainer … earning something like $15 million a year <and she is 20 years old> … she certainly entertained <isn’t that what an entertainer is paid to do?>.

Fourth.

She’s 20. I could say “nuff said” and stop here … but some holier-than-thou individual is going to put on some major stick-up-their-butt attitude and send me some email to suggest she is Hannah Montana and millions of girls look up to her and a whole bunch of garbage like that.

Well.

Check out twitter.

Check out weheartit.

Check out xanga.

Check out tumblr.

Check out what millions of other 16 to 22 year olds are posting as pictures. Miley is tame by comparison. Oh. And those are her fans that are making her 15 million a year.

Oh. Have you checked out Paulina Gretzky’s <Wayne’s daughter> pics?

Nuff said.

Fifth.

She ain’t Taylor Swift. If you want squeaky clean … follow Taylor. If you want some dubious singing skills but certainly some hopeful songwriting talent … follow Taylor. And if you want your daughters to learn the different choices with regard to growing up … follow Taylor AND Miley.

Look.

I didn’t like her performance.

But I didn’t have to like it.

And I am certainly not even close to being in her target audience.

And I don’t have children so I have some difficulty putting myself into that perspective.

But what I do know is this – entertainers entertain. If they don’t have as much talent as another entertainer <or possibly just insecure with regard to their talent> than they go to some fairly extreme lengths to insure they stay at the forefront of relevancy.

I am unclear how talented Miley is.

I imagine she is unclear herself <which makes her insecure>.

In addition.

I do know that the transition into a young adult is an awkward time … combined with the fact you are a celebrity … combined with the fact your fame was predicated on Disney Hannah Montana <which you may understandably do not want to be known as in your early 20’s> … make for an exponentially difficult situation to be in as a teen turning adult.

In fact it may even tempt you to go to the extreme opposite end <for a period of time> to distance yourself from something you just don’t want to be associated with anymore.

In the end.

I think the uproar over Miley’s bad musical performance <which everyone seems to be ignoring> is kind of nuts … and slightly hypocritical.

While I was certainly not on a stage with millions watching me at the time … I did many things in my early 20’s that I look back on with quite some regret. And some things I look back on as simply part of the learning process with regard to who I am as a person and who I wanted to be in the future.

I have to guess everyone reading this could take a moment and step back in time and while there may have been no foam finger involved … there was a time or two you were simply not at your best. But it was part of the process of growing up.

How often do we hear this as an explanation for why someone is, or does, as they are?

<too often>.

My quote?

“It doesn’t matter how far the apple falls from the tree it only matters where it lands.”

Ok.

Here we go <with what I believe may be a controversial post … but there will be a parenting part 2>>.

While we so often point to parents as the major influencer with regard to how kids ‘turn out’ or their behavior later in life … there are some very interesting research studies out there that suggest a kids peer group is a stronger influence on their future behavior.

I will even use the exact words found in the 50TopModels guys book on page 46 “Why Parents are Unimportant” model:

“… how the parents rear the child has no long term effects on the child’s personality, intelligence or mental health.”

<insert ‘yikes’ here>

Well.

That will drive some parents a little crazy <and give another smaller percentage a built in excuse for the crappy job they may already be doing with regard to bringing up their kids>.

Let me begin by saying everything we have believed in with regard to ‘apple not falling far from the tree’ was driven by behaviorists’ belief that parents influence their children’s development by the rewards and punishments they dole out, and the Freudians’ belief that parents can mess up their children very badly and often do so.

That was ‘behaviorist beliefs.’

No real studies or research.

Just a bunch of published ‘here is what I believe’ mumbo jumbo <albeit smart expert driven mumbo jumbo>.

After all these years … this belief that parents influence the development of their children was simply being taken for granted <and it seems to make sense to us non behaviorist folk>.

So when psychologist Judith Rich Harris attacked this assertion in 1955 she wasn’t very popular.

There is no question that the adult caregivers play an important role in the baby’s life. It is from these older people that babies learn their first language, have their first experiences in forming and maintaining relationships, and get their first lessons in following rules.

But all she was doing was questioning to what extent our personalities are shaped by our upbringing.

Harris noticed that most studies neglected to analyze the importance of genetic influences.

In addition there were no studies on the interplay between parent and child, i.e., whether children elicit particular behavior in their parents and not vice versa.

She contradicted the Freudian based behaviorists and development psychologists by suggesting we modify our behavior depending on the environment we are in <by the way … that makes sense when you think about it … children, in particular, are very adaptable>.

Her conclusion?

Children are shaped not by their parents but by the peer group in which they are socialized.

She poses that in home learning certainly sets the pattern for what is to follow. But that the actual content of what children learn may be irrelevant to the world outside their home.

The best words I found to describe his thought? Ultimately kids may cast it off when they step outside as easily as the dorky sweater their mother made them wear.

I will use psychologist Judith Rich Harris’ own words to explain how she got to where she got to:

The evidence developmental psychologists use to support the nurture assumption is not what it appears to be: it does not prove what it appears to prove. And there is a rising tide of evidence against the nurture assumption.

The nurture assumption is not a truism; it is not even a universally acknowledged truth. It is a product of our culture–a cherished cultural myth.

No one questions it because it seems self-evident. The two things that determine what sort of people your children will turn out to be are nature–their genes–and nurture–the way you bring them up. That is what you believe and it also happens to be what the professors of psychology believes. A happy coincidence that is not to be taken for granted, because in most sciences the expert thinks one thing and the ordinary citizen–the one who used to be called “the man on the street”–thinks something else. But on this the professor and the person ahead of you on the checkout line agree: nature and nurture rule. Nature gives parents a baby; the end result depends on how they nurture it. Good nurturing can make up for many of nature’s mistakes; lack of nurturing can trash nature’s best efforts.

That is what I used to think too, before I changed my mind.

What I changed my mind about was nurture, not environment. It isn’t all about genetics. The environment is just as important as the genes. The things children experience while they are growing up are just as important as the things they are born with. What I changed my mind about was whether “nurture” is really a synonym for “environment.”

By the way.

This doesn’t mean that a parent doesn’t influence a child’s ‘end adult space.’ They can place children in social environments and initiate a variety of actions that could impact final sociological behavior … but just Harris points out … have you ever noticed that children speak the dialect of their peer groups … and assume habits and behaviors of their peer group <varying from group behavior to individual style>.

Quick thought from me: In the end most of us should look at ourselves and thank the friends we had growing up for how we turned out.

Anyway. Before you ignore this thinking as sheer bullhockey <baloney, absurd, whatever> take a moment and think about this.

Reflecting on parenting is difficult.

Experiences in life appear very good when we remember or even anticipate them … but quite ordinary or downright bad when viewed in the actual present … in the moment as it were.

I say this because when you think about parenting most people will suggest it was a challenging but fairly positive life adventure.

Parents often look back on their attempts at steering their children toward social responsibility, being productive and some useful career <in some industry they can be proud of> or looking at their youth as a life filled with unconditional <sometimes tough> love, a long list of huggable moments and morning pancakes shared.

But most of the actual ‘in the present’ day-to-day tasks of child rearing are mind numbingly mundane at best … and harrowing at its worst. Nonstop changing smelly diapers inevitably shifts to constant cleaning up <or yelling at them to clean their rooms> to then to shuttling kids from activity to activity and eventually bailing them out of jail <or some disappointment>.

Well.

That was certainly jaded … but you get the point.

As with most things in Life … the majority of parenting is toil and drudgery. However in reflection we seek to find the reasons why it was all worthwhile.

That is human nature <and it maintains some sense of sanity>.

What refection neglects to uncover, because it is impossible to do so, are the numerous shaping moments a child has spent beyond the parents view and responsibility. All that time spent within their peer group assimilating learnings <attitudes & behaviors>.

Look.

I did not write this to suggest that parents have no responsibility nor to suggest that they certainly cannot influence how their children will turn out as adults … but rather to point out that we individuals are pretty self-reliant … even at a young age.

And I purposefully wrote ‘self-reliant’ because it is easy for us adults to stand on the sidelines and think our kids are simply ‘fitting in’ or ‘following the crowd’ but they are really not doing such a thing.

They are picking up pieces and parts of attitudes & behavior from their peer group. Almost sifting through everything they are seeing and hearing and encountering … slowly but surely building up their own self <or in a negative sense … tearing their own self down>.

There is certainly a bunch of research that actually suggests poor parenting drives children deeper into their peer group <socialized life learning> for behavioral cues.

And Freud was a big fan of the belief parents can screw their kids up <when they actually may simply further encourage deeper learning from their peer group>.

Suffice it to say … we can do good things and bad things during a kid’s childhood but if they are steeped in a peer group ultimately they will be defined by that socialization process.

Well.

A couple of thoughts to close.

First.

Certainly makes you think a little more about who your kid is hanging around with doesn’t it?

Second.

Maybe we should all be rethinking the whole “the apple never falls far from the tree” and maybe instead ponder where the frickin’ apple falls instead.

Because I just posted an article on the lack of influence parents have on their kids <okay … not lack … just the extent of influence> … I thought would post some research to address some mis-perceptions with regard to today’s parenting.

Wow.

If you want to get depressed upon the state of parenting just Google parenting. You will find an endless array of articles talking about the decline of parenting and how parents are bringing up a generation of anti-social, undisciplined, irresponsible unfocused kids.

Oh.

And that <opinion/belief> couldn’t be further from the truth.

Reality, on a variety of measures, doesn’t match this attitude.

Now.

It is true that times were different when I was growing up <yeah … I am old>.

Parenting when I was young was an odd mixture of tighter overall discipline yet a little more almost laissez faire attitude with regard to freedom and risk … especially if you compare it to today. You had lots of rules with lots of freedom to make mistakes … and some quite big mistakes.

What I do know after doing some research? I am unclear … unless miracles were involved … any of us survived childhood.

Anyway.

Today … the amount of freedom parents allow their children to have has plummeted. The percentage of kids walking or biking to school has dropped from 41 percent in 1969 to a mere 13 percent in 2001 <Time magazine>.

This is happening despite the fact many experts <without research … simply observation based opinions> believe the intent and philosophy behind parenting hasn’t changed. They argue it’s the tactics in which parents implement that has changed <and that has affected children conduct>.

John Becker, a marriage and family therapist in Plymouth, says:

“ the very philosophy of parenting has changed in the past 25 years. While the main goal of parenting – to instill character and moral development in children – has remained unchanged, he says, the focus of how to do so is different.

In years past, parents were more concerned with raising non-self-centered, obedient children – whereas today, there’s a stronger emphasis on building a child’s autonomy, self-esteem and individuality. Back then, he says, children were expected to be at dinner at a certain time and to eat what was in front of them. Not doing so was a sign of disobedience.

“Nowadays, I think parents are more sensitive to kids’ individual needs: ‘Well, what if I don’t have a taste for something like that,’ or maybe if I’m hungry earlier?” he says. “It’s just going about it in a different manner.”

Now.

I admit.

Many of these opinions are shared by me. But that wasn’t the point of this article. The point was to seek truth. I like this generation of kids and, in general, I tend to believe parents are doing a pretty good job <being a parent is tough>.

I went in search of research studies.

Some researchers have argued that actual children conduct may not have changed during the past decades, and what is different may be other factors such as perception or enforcement of such conduct.

Now that, my friends, I wholeheartedly embraced as a concept.

As we get older our vision with regard to the past can get awful fuzzy. Perception and reality have a tendency to not match up.

For example … that broken arm falling from the tree house didn’t constitute pain .. it was a badge of childhood memories <which suspiciously didn’t include any pain>.

Regardless … I dug up some research to address the negative parenting perceptions.

The best most complete study I found compared 1986 to 2006 parents <it was actually a study on abnormal children exploring conduct as tied to parenting>.

Well. Let’s review some details.

It suggests that as compared to the 1986 parents, 2006 parents had greater expectations in relation to going to school, doing homework, being polite, telling parents where they will be going, etc.

In addition, 2006 parents were more likely to monitor their teens as compared to 1986 parents.

Ok. Another perception example …. I found this in a parenting magazine … filled with opinions and such <note: this is kind of scary in that parents read this as fact and it is simply opinion>:

– A dialing down of discipline

The structure and control in children’s lives today, however, only seems to extend to a certain point. When it comes to discipline, parents and experts agree that society has put fewer expectations and responsibilities on children than there were 25 years ago.

“Too often, I think, we’re a little bit too light on our kids nowadays. We’re telling them, ‘You shouldn’t do this. This will have adverse effects,’ but then we let them off the hook and they don’t experience the adverse effects.”

Well. Back to the research.

The results of research do not suggest that today’s parents are more permissive or relaxed than parents in 1986. In fact, they seem to report having higher expectations and monitoring their kids more than parents did 25 years ago.

Ok.

On a separate note … I will admit that it bothers me when research is not cited but rather they do the infamous “parents and experts agree” … which implies research but it is simply collective point of view opinion.

Next.

The authors of the study also examined whether any changes in conduct problems between the 1986 and the 2006 teens could be due to parenting changes.

The results were actually surprising.

The answer was yes, but not in the way you think.

The authors found that changes in parenting practices from 1986 to 2006 actually made an impact on teen’s behavior: they seemed to have decreased the amount of conduct problems.

But how could parenting changes in the last 30 years have reduced the conduct problems among kids if conduct problems among kids apparently got worse? That is, if teens got worse, how is it that parenting made it better? The authors argue that parenting changes made the problem less worse:

Yes, kids appear to be having more conduct problems, but these problems would be even worse if parents had not changed since 1986.

Another factoid.

In addition … statistically <another study> … while parents may feel guilty about not being able to spend enough time with their children due to shifts away from traditional parenting roles and sharing more responsibilities, working parents are actually spending more time than ever with their children.

Prior to 1995, moms spent about 12 hours a week looking after kids and by 2007, college-educated women were at 21.2 hours a week, and those with less education around 15.9 hours.

The same holds true for fathers.

College-educated men spent around 4.5 hours with their children prior to 1995 … which has doubled+ to 9.6 hours a week now.

Dads without a college degree also saw an increase from 3.7 hours a week to around 6.8 hours a week.

Despite the research statistics …

Today’s parents are more likely to feel guilty about not being able to spend enough time with their children <note: and do you wonder why with all the ‘lack of parenting’ articles strewn throughout the internet and magazine??!!??>..

In the end.

The findings of the study I am citing do not support the view that any population-wide ‘decline’ in quality of parenting has led to an increase in youth antisocial behavior or overall misconduct in the youth population. Kids are still kids.

The truth is that research shows you actually have to be a really bad parent – with excessively lower levels of parental control and responsiveness – to find a strong association with risk for conduct problems.

However, as noted, quality of parenting appears if anything to have improved and these changes may have been protective. Models suggested that increases over time in conduct problems might have been greater had it not been for observed changes in parental control and responsiveness.

<main research source: The Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology>

All that said.

I chuckled when I found one of those lists that some old fart wrote up about their childhood:

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

It is a fun list … but I have said this before … and I will say again … every generation looks backwards with a tainted eye.

Our childhood was different … and similar.

The trappings may be different but the construct remains the same.

Bottom line.

Freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we how we learned to deal with all those things … defines a childhood.

It doesn’t really matter how a parent actually gets to those things … as long as they get to them.

My last post <and research> may have seemed harsh to a loving parent. And I can find gobs of articles written by unhappy influential parents who make statements like “although peers are important, too often, that’s overemphasized, and parents really need to understand that they are, and always will be, the most influential people for their children.”

We can talk about who influences the most until we are blue in the face … my real point is that it isn’t a competition with regard to who is most influential to a child.

Peer group, invasive technology and the times in general that we live in <nor research> will never overshadow the value of a mindful parent.

Parenting.

Doing your best to produce the kind of person who you believe can make a difference in Life.

That’s the bottom line.

Are they going to be people that aren’t afraid of the world, that are going to go out and make a positive impact and be productive?

That is the most important parents perspective and attitude … and ultimately the responsibility they assume to the best of their ability … because that is what they can do.

No more.

No less.

It is just the right thing to do.

Oh.

And no research or post or even expert opinion article can, and should, stop a parent from being a parent – and caring. Good parenting will never be defined by society or research … it will be defined by the actual people who assume the responsibility – Parents.

“I had hoped to be disliked by most, not by way of rebellion, but by way of excellence, disdain for the habitual, and the common man’s inability to grasp this.

The act of being scorned?

I saw it as a victory, my irreverent boast against this world which could never fully quench me.”

=

Coco J. Ginger

——–

Well.

I don’t know who Coco is but this description on her blog is fabulous.

And ‘my irreverent boast against this world which could never fully quench me’ may be one of the best thoughts I have read in years.

Regardless.

While this is certainly a Life thought … her thought inevitably should resonate with writers & bloggers everywhere.

Writers have to live with the words they write.

Once shared they can never be erased.

Why is that so important?

Well.

Couple of thoughts.

First.

Most of us play it safe.

It isn’t really political correctness … it is simply because most of us are … well … common. That’s not any kind of criticism against anyone … it just simply ‘is.’

Most of us are pretty common in our beliefs and shared thoughts.

Second.

The passionate people, and people under stress I imagine, say things now … that they regret later.

Because maybe that is only how they feel in the moment.

And, you know what? … that is okay.

Because we change moment to moment, circumstance to circumstance, and having the ability to articulate that moment is a gift.

And these people don’t say what they say to be rebellious … they simply say it because they feel it at that moment. The great ones say it in a way that spans generations.

But words, once inscribed, never change.

Sharing words that showing disdain for the habitual?

Sharing words that show irreverent boast against a world that can never fully quench me?

I can only dream of doing so myself … but … whew … what a horizon to aim for.

I wish I had written this thought.

It is spectacular.

But I imagine I couldn’t.

For she also wrote this about herself:

—–

“I am torn open, unabridged, hot and a bit crazy inside.

This is the feeling which belongs to me, she has always been mine.”

=

Coco J. Ginger

—–

I chuckled.

She is as Kerouac said “… the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time.”

We need people like Coco to stretch us all.

We may dislike her … but only because she has chosen an excellent path in Life … one that many of us not only didn’t choose to walk … but we also could not walk it.

If you would like to visit her blog here is the link <courting madness is the name of her blog>. I haven’t figured out if I like the blog … it reminds me of how I think about the tv show The Simpsons.

I want to like The Simpsons. I should like The Simpsons. And one out of every three or 4 episodes is absolutely brilliant. It’s just the other 2 or 3 episodes I wish I didn’t have to endure. But I keep going back hoping to catch that one brilliant episode.

Her poetry is interesting. Her writing has flashes of brilliance.

And, for the most part, she is sparing with words but never sparing on thought.

This is a combination of “it isn’t over until it’s over” and “every moment counts.”

And I love both of those thoughts.

We so often talk about second chances and things like that.

Life is funny that way in that it actually gives you millions of second chances. Maybe bazillions of second chances. Okay. Suffice it to say Life gives you more chances to get your shit together than it probably should … but it does.

Every day provides another chance. Heck. Every minute is another chance.

Sure.

Not very minute is created equal (some minutes truly are key moments to create change in direction) but I guess the truth of it all is that every passing minute represents another chance.

Because you have to start at some point.

‘In the beginning is an end.

And in each end there is a beginning.’

(Tolkien I believe)

Look.

No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something.

The sinking feeling in your gut that you missed something.

There’s that tingling sense that you rushed through moments where you should’ve been paying attention.

And, of course, there are moments when it feels like the pressure is too much to take.

Yes. There are moments we not only bend but break.

Yes. There are moments your head does explode <figuratively not literally one would hope>.

But.

You can’t keep dwelling on every moment that slipped by.

Or. You. Will. Go. Frickin’. Crazy.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

–

Ralph Waldo Emerson

==

Whether you feel like you just missed something or you have just exploded from pressure you just gotta pick up the pieces and get going again. no matter how often it happens (and, c’mon, if all of us added up all the moments in our lives where we felt like we missed something we certainly wouldn’t have enough fingers and toes to count them let alone a hi-tech abacus … just think “infinity”)

Moments, to me, are like a balance sheet <and I think people would be a lot happier if they looked at it this way>.

You miss some things and you make mistakes. That is the liability side.

Let’s call them the expenses of life.

You try some things <maybe not successful all the time but you step up in the moment and “do”> and you make some good decisions and have some successes. That is the asset side. Let’s call them revenue of life.

Some people will tell me I have my head up my ass and say success is making the asset side bigger than the liability side.

Well.

I don’t agree.

However … I do want a balance sheet stuffed with expenses and assets. Lots of them. I mean a full frickin’ ledger of stuff.

Look.

We all want to have lived a long and varied life in pursuit of, well, living. It is interesting because seeking and doing the things that make us happy is a common theme in movies and tv shows and while almost always heartwarming it always tends to leave us in a slightly somberlike thoughtful mood.

You know the message is right. If you are unhappy with something, it’s okay to change; it’s okay to begin again. It’s okay to take one of those moments passing you by and “do” … so do something to change things.

Yet, how many of us actually do what seems obvious?

Sure.

Some of us have responsibilities that we feel we cannot shirk.

And some of us can always find excuses <even if they do sound awful good>.

We can always find fear.

We can always find solace in “well, we cannot be sure what would have happened.”

Probably the most famous quote about this thought is “life is a journey not a destination.”

Well, no, that is not really true.

Life is a string of minutes.

Minutes to do or not do. The trick, perhaps, is figuring out what would make you happy and not being afraid to admit you need something else and grab the next passing minute and begin.

And if you continue to hesitate the next minute?

If you continue to focus on the minute passed and decisions made or missed?

Think about what Tupac Shakur says.

Maybe that sounds harsh but sometimes moving on is harsh.

Or maybe better said … it takes some “steeliness” to leave the pieces behind.

Do I believe Tupac was being a jerk in his tone?

Nope.

I believe he was simply putting a stake in the ground for “grab the next minute.” <only in Tupac-style>

So. My message for the day?

Look at minutes as opportunities to make a change. Not days. Not weeks. Not months.

Think minutes.

You may be surprised how such a little thing can make a big difference.

What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.

That’s all I do all day.

I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.”

=

J.D. Salinger (The Catcher in the Rye)

—

So.

I have noted earlier on my site I loved the book “Catcher in the Rye”.

And many argue it’s out of touch with today’s world.

I say they are silly <if not wrong>.

This quote from Catcher in the Rye is one of my favorites as proof.

For is not every parent a catcher in the rye?

Is not every teacher a catcher in the rye?

Is not every good business leader a catcher in the rye?

Some of us choose to be the catcher.

Some of us, like me, love the responsibility and embraces being a catcher in the rye in business.

Sure.

A little part of me dies a little when I miss someone who mistakenly goes off the edge of that crazy cliff.

But, on the other hand, I become a better person for everyone I get to steer clear of the crazy cliff.

There are some of us who don’t really sign up to be the catcher and yet are put in that role.

Many parents are that way.

Not because they didn’t want to be but rather before you have a child it’s a little difficult to understand that crazy cliff is always there and you always have to keep at least a little eye on it.

That is one reason I respect great parents.

And then teachers.

Some begin a career as a teacher because they just love to teach. But as time goes on they realize a part of their responsibility is to watch those in the fields of rye to insure those who wander to close to the cliff that they at least know someone is paying attention <and parents should recognize that teachers fulfill that role sometimes>.

And then there are business leaders who go, go go.

Always forward focused.

And yet, over time, they realize to be the best leader a part of their role is to see the crazy cliff and catch people before they go over.

Ok.

Maybe I’m nuts for seeing all this in the catcher in the rye but that is what I see.

And maybe that’s why I loved the book even when I was young.

A part of me wanted to be the catcher in the rye.

I am sure some guidance counselor would have had me put in some institution if I had answered “be a catcher in the rye” when asked “so what do you want to be.”