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Thursday, January 22, 2015

Closer Than a Brother

I'm kinda glad Christmas is behind us. As much as I've always enjoyed the holidays with my family, this year, I dreaded it.

We couldn't put up Ben's stocking. It seemed awkward to hang something that no one would be opening. But we did hang up all of his ornaments. All of the handmade handprints, pictures and crafts that Ben had made during his first four Christmases. I'm not saying it was easy. But we did it anyway.

Initially, I thought about not putting up a Christmas tree. People would understand. Our pain was just so fresh. Even the thought of enjoying the twinkling nights in the evening after the kids went to bed, reminiscing God's goodness to us during that past year, was just too painful. But Andy and I both knew that we had to. For Jack, for Megan. We needed our kids to know that we celebrate Christmas because of Who was born, not who died. Our tree was extremely ordinary. I didn't put as much effort into fanning the branches and making sure the ornaments were evenly distributed. But it was up. And that felt like a big accomplishment.

In anticipation of the holidays, I tried to stay honest with the Lord about where I was, how I was feeling. I wish grief followed a linear path, one where you were always moving forward, upward, in a positive direction. But anyone that has lost a loved one knows that's just not true. Our grief journey has resembled a rollercoaster more than anything. In one moment, we are full of faith and gratitude in knowing where Ben is and that he does not yearn for us. Grateful that there is no concept of time in heaven and when we do join our son, it will be as if mere moments have passed since we saw him last. But in the next moment, we see an old picture, see Megan unknowingly mimic Ben's goofy face, or see Jack thoughtfully looking through a picture album with him and his twin in it. And we just lose it. We feel angry at times. Hurt. Betrayed. We shake our fists at God as we send up choice words, and our hearts ache as we search for answers. Why? Why, Lord? Why did You allow this to happen? We pity ourselves, our loss, shed lots of tears. And then we move on. Because as hurtful as it feels, that is simply a place we visit. We cannot live there. We visit temporarily and then we have to come back home.

As I finished wrapping the last of the presents, I was honest with God. This holiday was going to be tough without Ben. Thanksgiving was tough, but I knew this one was going to be harder. Christmas with the added frustration of reflecting on the year and everything that happened. With my mixed bag of emotions, I had no idea how my grief would hit me at different times. I needed something from God. A sign. Something tangible. Something to know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that God was with me. That He cared about me. Even in the midst of Him controlling the universe and making night turn into day. Ineeded to know. And so I told Him. But I also promised that I'd keep my eyes open. That I'd be searching for whatever He decided to give. And that I would be happy knowing that He cared enough to follow through.

And do you know what? He did.

I'm used to seeing bright red cardinals in our backyard and hearing their beautiful short chirps. Even the two blue jays who always seem to come in pairs. And I feel so comforted by their presence. Especially on tough days. But for Christmas, God got creative.

On Christmas Eve, we were celebrating with my family at my parent's house. It was unseasonably warm and so Jack went outside to play with his cousins before we had dinner. After a few minutes, they all ran into the house, saying, "Jack is in the newspaper! Jack is in the newspaper!" Huh? What newspaper? Perhaps they stumbled across one of the papers that my mom had saved with Ben's picture. They must have seen one of those. I couldn't even imagine what they were talking about.

Sure enough, the boys carried the tattered-looking copy of The Buffalo News into the house. The edges were torn, the page was ripped and it was very dirty. It almost looked as if it had survived a fire. This was obviously not a paper that had been set aside. You couldn't even see the whole article. But in the sliver you could see, was Jack's picture. On a screen. Giving the 'eulogy' at Ben's funeral.

"Where did you find this?" we asked the boys. My mom kept a file folder with any articles about Ben. None of us even remembered seeing this in the newspaper. As we gazed across my parent's lawn and near the place where the boys said they found it, we saw nothing but clean grass. No debris. No other newspapers.

Wow. That was my sign. Thank you, Lord. Even on Christmas. In a completely unexpected landscape, I had my sign. God was there. And Ben was with Him too.

As we were driving to another family gathering after finding the newspaper, Jack asked me from the backseat, "Mom? Do you remember how I was in that newspaper we found at Nana and Papa's house? The one at Ben's funeral?" I had absolutely no idea what was going through his head. Was he going to comment about Ben's death? The funeral? Talk about how much he missed his best friend? Tell us how sad it makes him feel to be the only boy? My mind went a million miles an hour in just a few short seconds, trying to anticipate what my inquisitive firstborn was going to say next. "Um, does that mean I'm like... famous?"

Ummm, yes. Yes, Jack. You are.

People ask a lot how Jack is doing. How he's coping with his loss. Anyone that spends time with Jack would never know that he lost his brother just a few months ago. He's confident... perhaps a little too confident. He asks questions. He remembers. He says exactly what he's thinking. He giggles. He talks with his hands when he's teaching us a new fact about an animal. He hides when he sees Andy's car pull in the driveway so he can jump out and tackle him when he gets close enough. He's learning to read and write. He loves figuring out how things work. He wanted a magician book for Christmas because he thought that magic was real. He fights with Megan (who, surprisingly enough, provokes him about 75% of the time,) but protects and loves Kate like crazy because "she's just the best sister ever." I sometimes feel like he's an eight-year-old living in a five-year-old's body.

Watching "Wild Kratts" with his littlest "not so little" sister

Just in case you've ever wondered what the 97th percentile looked like (Onesie was made by Inspired Buffalo)

Andy and I talk about how losing Ben when we did might have been the "best worst-case scenario." They were young. They were playmates, but not confidants. We feel like it would be a very different animal if this happened when they were teenagers. Jack misses Ben how a little boy would miss a best friend who moved far away. He misses not having him to play with. Trust me, we miss him for that reason, too. Jack has had to relearn - or really learn for the first time - how to play by himself. My whole focus during the boys' first few years of life was teaching them how to work together. Resolve conflicts. Getting them to stop biting each other when they were upset and before they had words. Mothers of twins, can I get an AMEN?! How to share their toys, take turns. Andy wrestled with them to teach them to work together toward a common goal and how to play fair. But Jack is making great strides. It's a process. And he's getting a little better every day. He'll always be a twin. His birth certificate is proof of his identity.

He talks about Ben as if he's still here. Not out of a desire to ignore the truth, but it's as if he truly feels his existence, living alongside him. All of the artwork that comes home from school has six members of our family listed, even the one that had the title of "People living in my house." Six. Including Ben. I won't mention the time he drew only five, leaving out his sister Megan. I have really high hopes of the two of them getting along someday. Really.

Trying to get the two of them close enough to be in the same picture can be a challenge... because of the two-and-a-half year old. Megan idolizes Jack, which basically means he can't do very much without a little shadow. Poor Jack.

But Jack's logic about Ben's presence is truly beautiful. "God is with me wherever I go. Ben is with God. Therefore, Ben is with me wherever I go."

Chills.

In the past few weeks, it seems that Jack is truly on fire for the Lord. The faith that that five-year-old has is just amazing. And so it his love for God. "Mom." he'll say, as if it was its own sentence. "Guess who's the strongest person on earth? God. And Mom. Guess who could do anything He wanted? Like even make our house disappear? God." He'll often tell me and Andy how much he loves us, how even before he was born, he wanted a mom and dad named Andy and Mindy and "God gave me exactly what I wanted!" That little boy definitely has his daddy's charm. Those of you who know Andy personally are nodding your heads right now. "But do you know the only person I love more than you and Dad? GOD!"

That boy's definitely got his priorities straight.

Another milestone I wasn't looking forward to: a Christmas family photo. A family of six: five people, minus one, plus one. But we did it.

Last week, we were talking about some of the things we know about heaven when he said, "Mom. When Jesus died, He went to heaven. That's His home. Isn't that so cool? Heaven is His home! I have like a million questions I want to ask Him. I wonder what kinds of stuff He can do, like what kinds of tricks and stuff. That's the first thing I'm going to ask Him. Jesus is just so awesome."

I'm grateful for the pictures we keep around our house. We have so many beautiful memories. I'm grateful that I was home to capture so many regular moments with my boys together. With all of us, just enjoying life. Such a wonderful comfort those will continue to be in years to come.

Andy and I have been trying to not just live out the gospel in front of our children, but memorize verses from the gospel with them, too. Having those words of truth in my head have sustained me through some of the darkest moments in my life and I'm truly grateful for the effort my parents made in providing that. In an effort to support our healthy brainwashing (hehe,) I bought a Christian children's CD my friend recommended. It's called "Hide 'Em in Your Heart," a collection of verses set to music by Steve Green. I have one volume in my kitchen CD player and the other in my van. We just love it! Every time a new song comes on, Jack says, "THIS is my favorite. No, THIS is my favorite!" And I can't even tell you how good it makes me feel to hear my two-year-old singing scriptures when she's playing with her dolls, singing them to sleep. These are the truths that they will carry with them forever.

Megan loves her dolly. The more homely they look, they better. I try and encourage her to leave the house with a cuter doll, one with hair. "No! 'Dat's NOT my baby!" At least we found a way to keep clothes on her favorite doll sometimes - matching outfits!

Anyway, one day we were driving to karate and Jack asked me to start the song again. The song highlighted Proverbs 18:24: There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. In typical five-year-old fashion, Jack thought it was downright hilarious that they joked about using the word "stinks" rather than "sticks." But that continued into a wonderful conversation about our Lord. Jack was close with Ben. But God is a friend who sticks even closer than brother... even a twin brother! A friend Who's promised never to leave us, never to forsake us. And not only is He wherever we go, but He is perfect. And good. And He can be trusted. I've always loved the truth behind that verse, but it holds a meaning even more special now.

There's no greater legacy I can leave for my kids than to know I did my part to communicate God's truth to them. His love. His faithfulness. Even though I try my very best, I will fail them. I will make mistakes. Someday - I don't know when - my body will give out and I will join my God in heaven. I'm only human. But God. God is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. And He will never us. I need my kids to know that truth, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I can't give them anything more valuable.

I'd hate to admit that I'm sorta dreading what's ahead, wishing away pieces of my life away. Seemed like I was always doing that in college, working to get beyond that next exam, that next paper, that next semester. But I'm really dreading these next few months. The continuation of the season of firsts, but this time, it's commemorating the time he was sick. The date when Ben got his first headache is just days away. When our whole world crumbled and it all started downhill. I'm dreading it. The dates of his brain surgery, days of chemo, radiation, coming home, all leading up to the first time we won't celebrate both boys' birthdays... and then Ben's Heaven Day. I'm dreading it. I get a stomachache just thinking about it.

But just as we've dared to continue living over these past few months, just as we've dared to hope for tomorrow, we will continue on. With one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Because as hard as it's been for us to lose Ben - a brother, a son, a grandson, a nephew, cousin, friend - I don't want my kids to lose a mom, too. I don't want Andy to lose his wife.

God still has a plan for us here on earth. And so until that day when He calls us home, until that day when we are reunited with Benjamin, until that day where all of our questions are answered... we will enjoy the blessings He has left for us on earth.

'Cause even on our worst days, we can still say: God has been very good to us. Much much more than we deserve.

Mindy as always I can hear & see Jesus in your words. Thank you for sharing your dear sweet family, you have a special place in my heart! I will continue to pray for you in the days, weeks, & months ahead! Praying this specifically, 2 Corinthians 12:9:But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Simply beautiful.... continued prayers and blessings for your family & friends. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of another firsts this past Christmas season. You are such a woman of strength & Grace! Please know that over the course of the next 4 months of more firsts - you have so many people praying for you & holding all of you. Stay Strong Sauer family!

I have been thinking about you and your family through the holiday season, and then I happened to see you at Strong Museum on MLK. I don't know you personally, but I immediately recognized you as wanted to reach out. However, I didn't want to bother you, so I watched you walk around with Meagan and then sit lovingly in the "sand" and play with Jack. I told my kids you were there and they were happy Jack was playing (7yo logic for "he must be ok"). I will continue to think of your family through these next months and years. I hope you are finding the writing as helpful as I find it inspiring. You truly help me to keep things in perspective and the remember what matters most. ❤️

I will admit I haven't been on lately to check in with your family. For the three months my Mom and I have been caring for my terminally ill Grandpa. He was diagnosed with advanced stage 4 and had very little time. He went to be with God on Jan 2 and the pain, hurt, sadness, and anger that I feel from day to day is just awful. I know there is no pain for him and he is at peace but it doesn't make it easy for us here. I know our stories are very different with Ben being a young child and my Grandpa being 74 but we all still hurt. The day of the funeral I thought to myself all of these people came to pay their respects and they will go home and life wil go back to normal for them but for my family and I...we are just left with an empty hospital bed, a few pictures, a devotional book that we read to him every night "Tales from the tree stand" and his memory. I am so selfish in wanting him back I know...but I still expect to see him drive by or call me and request some special recipe and it will not ever happen again. It hurts so bad. I have lost people close to me even an infant child at 5mths in utero but this is just so different for me. Emptiness and devastation consumes me. I watch my Mom suffer with such sadness that her Dad is gone and I can barely stand to go to her house where I went daily to care for him. I did fine through everything even the eulogy/speech I gave at the funeral but the night of the funeral I just "lost it" It was just like someone had shoved a knife through me. So I found myself listening to his song from the funeral, My Mom picked "Go rest high on that mountain" by Vince Gill. Very fitting for my Grandpa who was an avid outdoorsman and loved life. Now I turn to your blog as I admire your strength and your love for God. I think if she can do this so can I. I have encouraged my Mom to join with me in re-reading your posts as they are very helpful in different ways. I thank you for the words that you have shared with us and please know I continue to pray for you and your family everyday. Hugs and love to you <3

Oh Erin. My heart just aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss. None of us can anticipate just how we will react when those we love are called home. The holes they left behind are just so great. I will be praying for you to find comfort in God's arms. Our Creator is the only One big enough to fill that deep deep hole. ❤️ Much love to you and your mom as you continue to grieve this special man's absence.

As always when you write, it is full of wisdom. That is because it is always based on the truth of Scripture. Our hearts and prayers are with you so often. I love that God sends us those special answers that could only come from Him. So glad you have that Steve Green CD. It was a great addition in our family and I've recently sent some copies for new generations. Learning His Word through music and absolutely burying it in our hearts where it will always live is a precious gift. Blessings and prayers - Cliff for the Millers

Mindy, Once again your word are beautiful and inspirational. I thought of you when I saw something and once again thought of it when I saw your family picture in front of the Christmas tree. A couple of months back a family who is in the same situation have been taking family pictures for a couple of years and the mom always knew one person was missing from the picture. So a photographer placed the last framed pictured of the child that they lost in one of the siblings hands. The next picture is a framed photo of the whole family together again in the family portrait--the results are unbelievable , her smile was beautiful because she felt complete.Just a thought. May you continue to find peace and happiness with your family and may God protect you all.

Your family popped into my mind this morning during my prayer time and of course, I prayed for all of you. I was thinking then that you hadn't updated in a while and when I got on facebook this morning, your post was one of the first ones on my newsfeed even though you had posted it yesterday. God is amazing...

Praying for strength for you and Andy in the days to come, Mindy. Your post left me with tears on my face, but because of your inspiring faith, your words also stamped joy on my heart. Thinking of you. One day at a time. He's by your side. Ben is too. Always. ♡

Mindy, I know you've been told this countless times but you sure do have a way with words. I feel my heart ache for you when reading this. And tears in my eyes. Know that a stranger in MI is praying for you and agrees 100% with you...God is good. Always.

Praying for you as you continue to move forward. I remember when my son's dates also were coming up that I had to walk through and I decided ahead of time that I was going to not look back but look for something good in this new day. To make a new memory for this day. I decided to make a decision to not look at the calendar and remember dates. Then months after I walked through it, I went "phew" I made it.

Thank you for sharing. I'm not sure how I found your blog but I recently did and have read it all. My 6 year old son is in treatment for leukemia. We have Hide 'em in your heart as well (and the video, in all it's 90s splendor!) A few years ago I discovered Seeds Family Worship with is the same idea as Steve Green's, but more contemporary. My kids love it, we have about 8 CDs. It's great because when you buy a cd, it comes in a pack of 2. One to keep and one to give away.

Breathtakingly beautiful. I know you don't intend to inspire. It is the last thing on your mind or heart. You write to express your deepest pain as if it will some how let it out and ease it. I pray it does. But your words. Your beautiful and articulate testament of faith is a gift for those of us on the receiving end.

I have prayed for your family so often. That you would know hess truths you so perfectly describe. That they be rooted in your souls and that in the darkest moments you have endued and those you have yet to know, they sustain you. He is the peace that passes all understanding.

The days ahead are sure to be difficult and filled with painful memories. But your beautiful Ben, Jack, Megan and Kate, they are God's prose to you. Even though Ben is not physically here with you, he is here. In Jack's colorful stories and Megan's little face and baby Kate's angel kiss.

Please know your family is thought of with kindness and prayer from Seattle.

Thanks for sharing. Just my two cents as you spoke about the upcoming dates and how to handle getting through the firsts. I know that this is easy for me to say as I am not in your shoes right now but someone encouraged me to not obsess about the dates. It is hard not to do but I know for my son I sort of started to count down until "that date" like a month before or even more if I am honest. It added so much worry and anxiety to my life and once I got past the date that burden was lifted and I thought how silly it was that I was worried about that. I think I hear a bit of that tone in your Christmas experiences if I am reading it right. I think that worrying about the firsts is a normal way to feel but after several years of this "celebrating" the two dreaded dated in my son's life I felt I needed to break free of that build up of doom and gloom. I don't mean to be pessimistic and say it doesn't get any easier but he was your son so every year will be hard and I had to get to a place where that was ok and a good thing. If it wasn't hard then it would mean that I didn't miss him and that is not at all what I wanted. It is just a date on the calendar and those memories can be brought up any day of the year. It doesn't mean you can't make a date special to remember a child but for me I had to break free of the worry of getting to the date. I know I will never ever forget those to dates for my son as he has been gone six years now and when he is gone 26 years I still will know those dates. In that sense it doesn't get easier but don't let satan rob your thoughts from you the weeks, or months ahead of time and fill you with worry. Again I know easier said then done but it is my prayer for you that you will find freedom from the date build up as you can celebrate sweet Ben's memories any day and on those life changing dates you can make it a point to celebrate them even more.

PS: I loved your comment about no time in heaven and that your son wouldn't have even missed you...never thought about that before - Thanks

Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for writing. I check your blog almost daily and think of you and your family often. You are ALWAYS an encouragement to me and a reminder to put God first. Praying for you and yours.

Mindy, I have been following your blog for about 11 months now...reading and weeping through your beautifully written story of unthinkable sorrow. Thank you for always turning my eyes back to the One who holds me! I have been through horrific sorrow, too, but of a very different sort of loss. Mine was abandonment and betrayal that left my children and I leveled in pain. For years I would meet each of the those painful dates with fear and dread...about 6 years into it I decided at the beginning of the year to plead with God to "redeem my calendar"--I asked Him to make those horrific memories new...and bearable. I am praying that for you...not that you would ever lose the preciousness of the good memories, but the ones that are so unbearable...that He would bring you a new perspective in His own tender way. My first one was a pair of roses blooming in the snow on the worst of the anniversaries...I wept seeing the redemptive hand of God. Praying for peace and constant comfort for you.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey so candidly...as I sit here in the hospice house next to my daughter who has cancer, I sobbed reading your blog entries. These same emotions and thoughts flood me every day and, like you, I am clinging to my faith in God with everything I have left. Would love to talk with you. I requested you as friends on Facebook because I couldn't find a place to send you a personal message. Hope to talk with you soon...God bless.

Mindy, I still pray for you, family and Ben very often. I spend time with my little richie (who is 3 soon to be 4) talking about God, his grandma betty and Ben. Betty had passed for he was born, and she loved elephants. So every Christmas, Santa would leave and elephant for him. But the one he carry's with to bed is ( the very first Christams elephant), and he won't go to sleep without Grandma Betty he say's. He gets in to bed and lets me know, that Grandma Betty and Ben are here with him not just in Heaven. But here in his room, it makes me smile and love God soo much. I so very happy to hear him say those things. As always I try to find ways to talk to him my self, weather it a long question or just to say hello are you there cause I am here. Mindy, in the mist of paid you Quoted on a Daisy about God's Grace. I read it so very often and would love to actually Buy the picture from you to hang in home and remind us that "we will get through things by God's Grace. I absoulty love it, and helps remind me of how good God is. I know I may have mentioned it before, and would still love to hang it. My prayers for all of you in your inner family and outer family.Yvonne Treen

Mindy, I still find time throughout my days to say a prayer for your family. I talk with my 3 year old so very often about God, Ben and his grandma who passed before he was born. She loved elephants, so every Christmas so far Santa has sent him and elephant. But the one he received the first Christmas he was here, is the one carry's with him to bed and call's it Grandma Betty. And say's to me often how Grandma Betty and Ben are in Heaven and here with him. It makes me smile, and light up with love for him and God. I will continue to think about and pray for your entire family within and outwords. You make appreciate and love God so much more for your courage, strength and love for him has touched so many. I still would love to buy and hang your saying from the daisy and Quote you put out in the mist of your pain. I read it often, I have it saved to my phone. I would love to hang it in my house to remind us that we will make to the other side. By God's Grace.Prayers and love to all of youYvonne Treen

Mindy, I still find time throughout my days to say a prayer for your family. I talk with my 3 year old so very often about God, Ben and his grandma who passed before he was born. She loved elephants, so every Christmas so far Santa has sent him and elephant. But the one he received the first Christmas he was here, is the one carry's with him to bed and call's it Grandma Betty. And say's to me often how Grandma Betty and Ben are in Heaven and here with him. It makes me smile, and light up with love for him and God. I will continue to think about and pray for your entire family within and outwords. You make appreciate and love God so much more for your courage, strength and love for him has touched so many. I still would love to buy and hang your saying from the daisy and Quote you put out in the mist of your pain. I read it often, I have it saved to my phone. I would love to hang it in my house to remind us that we will make to the other side. By God's Grace.Prayers and love to all of youYvonne Treen

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Meet Ben

Ben is an active four-year-old who loves playing in the backyard finding snakes, frogs and worms. He builds forts, plays with sticks and likes to shoot his brother with dart guns. As a twin, we always dressed Ben in blue so others could tell him apart from his identical twin brother Jack. And now, Ben is waiting on a miracle.

Life as Twins

Jack is older by only a minute, but definitely the firstborn. Ben is laid-back and self-sacrificing. Both boys enjoy excessive time in the sun, tumbling in the dirt and wrestling with their daddy. Blessings.

Our Family

Jack and Ben were born on our second wedding anniversary in May 2009. Megan joined our family in April 2012 and now we are expecting another little girl in September 2014. I had been a sixth-grade teacher before the boys were born and have since been very grateful to be home with them full-time. God has been very good to us.