On Behalf Of All Latinx Americans, Please Un-Invent the Whopperito

09/27/2016 03:15 pm ETUpdated
Sep 27, 2016

Oh, poor Big Business. The American revolución is in full effect, and you still haven’t gotten a grip on how to market to the kaleidoscopic fabric that is the Latinx community. Well, you should, since we’re a “minority” of 55 million in the United States. By 2060, the Census Bureau projects we’ll comprise over 28 percent of the total population, with 119 million residing in the United States alone.

Thinking about those ROIs? Maybe it’s time to drop some marketing sabiduria de oro (golden wisdom) on you.

Here’s what you’re doing all wrong.

Stop using Spanish adjectives in American product names

This never convinces us to buy. Excluding Gatorade’s Pepino flavor, which is delicious, we will be the ones deciding whether or not something is loco, delicioso (see: Gatorade example) or fuego. While we’re on the topic, having an entire aisle for us in the supermarket named “Latino” is weird.

“Aisle 4” will do.

Leave local businesses alone

Case in point: the handmade, authentic, designer tamales sold at Neiman Marcus. ¿Perdon, como? Yup! I don’t know about you, but one of the best things I look forward to after mass on Sundays are the lines of tamaleros outside of church. Neiman Marcus has taken a beautiful tamale custom ― where warm bundles of amor are sold at local, economic prices–and made it a $92 (plus $18 shipping) status symbol, available in beef, chicken or pork. And they don’t even deliver on Sundays.

Como???

Un-invent the Whopperito

You know. The mildly-racist, mildly-delicious burrito-inspired-burrito. I would love to meet the food scientist–and I’m giving you credit here ― that came up with this one. I bet he owns a “chair-o,” a “table-o” and a “car-o,” which is wrong, because it should have two r’s– swerve. Look, I’m a fan of hybrids. From fuel economy to Hybrid Theory ― the Linkin Park album. I. Am. In. But this thing’s as natural and whimsical as the zonkey.

Because I’m nice, I’ll share a genius product idea that would actually complement the Latinx community (but before I do, this idea is patent pending, copyright exclusive, all consent owned by Vernon Mina, legal, legal, legal).

Ready?

Why isn’t there a tortilla button on the microwave yet? I don’t eat popcorn with my food, people!

I know, genius. Let’s schedule a power lunch to talk more about it. But remind me in advance. I’m Mayan, so naturally I’m bad with calendars.

¡Atención, Chicago! Featuring a diverse lineup of some of Chicago’s most exciting Latinx voices, the legendary Second City’s first-ever Latinx showcase, Revolución, is this Friday, September 30th. For more information, click here.