Denise Richards in a Bikini Won

While Charlie Sheen’s stage show debut went exactly as expected, Denise Richards spent the weekend looking like this in the Bahamas. (“Sweet goddamn,” I believe is the technical term.) You’ll also notice she’s with their daughters because Charlie’s too broke to afford a lawyer that’s even remotely capable of convincing a judge to let him even squint at them through bulletproof glass. Which brings us to my favorite game: Pointing out how retarded Charlie Sheen fans are. When it became overwhelmingly evident that Denise has always been the sane parent, many were quick to point out she was photographed doing coke with Richie Sambora. And by many, I mean people who think Charlie Sheen “wins” by doing enough blow to affect the GDP of Colombia. But now they’re suddenly concerned with someone who snorted a line four years ago after just escaping a relationship with Charlie Sheen. Which is bullshit considering, after the past month, it’s a miracle she didn’t drown both her kids in the tub out of fear that one of them might walk around painting herself with tiger stripes.

SAM: Mom, can I ask you something?
DENISE: Sure, honey.
SAM: *lifts up dress* Is it normal for legs to turn into F-18 engines?
DENISE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!