Duck Hunting Season Opens Saturday.

How eager am I for the game? It’s almost as if I’m a schoolgirl awaiting my first 7th grade Snowball Dance in hopes that Ricky Trudell, the 8th grade heartthrob with golden locks of hair sent from the heavens and a cute skateboard, picks me for the first dance.

But in reality, I’m a twentysomething, semi-employed pile of filth who is eating a box of Fruity Pebbles from a Rubbermaid salad bowl while watching a rerun of the 2001 Rose Bowl on my 17-inch Quasar television. I’m still in my pajamas, which have a neckline just low enough to allow my chest pubes to poke out and see 2008. I am not wearing pants, unless you consider single button fly pajama bottoms “pants.” I really do not get the purpose of this single fly button. It is rarely fastened and only impedes me from satiating my carnal urges when seeing Daniela Pestova’s partially-exposed areola on page 78 of the 1995 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I am never purchasing another item from Lamonts ever again. Fucking Lamonts.

I also enjoy the humor produced during this time of year as it’s the one season when grown men become chicks, planning every detail and putting forth ungodly effort to ensure that the game experience is fit for a king, right down to the “who’s-bringing-the-Costco-sized-Reser’s-Potato-Salad, I-think-Jimmy-said-he-would, no-Jimmy-is-bringing-Hawaiian-pizza, shit-I-forgot-who-was-supposed-to-bring-it-then, should-we-just-say-screw-it?, no-we-need-that-fucking-potato-salad, fuck-it-I-will-get-it-myself” level of mental focus and dedication. If only I could apply this type of tenacity to the numerous horizon-broadening activities I’ve started and abruptly stopped over the years, such as brewing my own beer or learning to speak Brazilian Portuguese, only to become too entrenched in the current season of American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance that I forget about them in the first place.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’m excited for football.

So take a break from your Excel-jockeying and PowerPoint-modifying (and lower your billable rate at work for the next two days) by playing the classic Nintendo game Duck Hunt here.