Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

What do I say?

Recently, my nephew (with whom I've been very close his whole life) admitted to sexually abusing his 3 adopted children. He went to the police, admitted his crime, and last month was sentenced to 16 years in a Tennessee state prison. His sister (who lives with me in Michigan) and I are his closest relatives now that his wife has divorced him. When I learned of his crime, I spun downward into an old abyss. I was sexually abused by a family member as a child, and I spent many years of cycles of eating disorders, therapy, and support groups before finally deciding that they were only making matters worse. So I stuffed (literally) it all away about 12 years ago and got on with my life. Eventually, it drifted somewhere out of my thoughts....until my nephew's horrid crime. He was in jail for about 3 months before I could find words to write. He wants my forgiveness, but that word is not currently in my lexicon. I am now struggling again. He says he "made a mistake" and is not the same as the person who abused me. But his crime is exactly the same. In every way. And I'm in that old dark hole again. I don't want my old trauma to eliminate all relationship with my nephew, but I don't know what to say to him. He wants my forgiveness, but I'm not there yet. Should I lie and say I am?

No. Don't lie. Be honest with him. Tell him that you are not ready to forgive him yet. He needs to be patient and forgiveness will come on your schedule, not his. If at all. There is no rule that says you have to forgive him. But if this is something you eventually want to be able to do, ask yourself what it would take to forgive him. Is there some sort of behavior or remorse or acceptance you would want to see from him?

dont lie,
sorry i am in a similar situation so i thought i would let you know that you are not alone, after years of dealing with abuse and getting myself and my life together...i find out my brother, whom is my only family , has been abusing his daughter, my niece, i have had no contact at all for nearly five months, its so hard, i sunk into a deep deep depression, how could my brother whom i love so much do these things, i often feel guilt for turning my back on him, i often feel anger, i feel sick, but i will never feel the same way again, he is an abuser and that is not ok, my innoense was stolen, i was a child, he knew exactly what he was doing, i will never condone it

I agree with the others, don't lie. Tell him that at this time you can't give him forgiveness. If he know of the past abuse you suffered, tell him that his crime has opened the old wounds and that it is not possible to forgive at this time. He needs to understand that you need time to put things into perspective. You maybe can just write a not to in depth letter to him and just talk about work, the weather ect. Start out with little things until things begin to heal again for you. Good luck.

Im sorry for everything that has resurfaced for you. Its always a really tough situation.
Dont lie at all, always be honest because if you are not it could end up hurting you worse.
You dont need to go into detail with him, just simply explain that you cant forgive him and it might be awhile.
I dont feel bad for people who abuse like that. They are aware what they are doing is wrong.

Please take care of yourself. I know this is a hard time for you rehashing it all. I rehashed mine on total accident 6 months ago. It has its ups and downs so if you want to talk let me know.

stand up and protect those babies. they need to see that you are very unhappy with what has been done to them regardless of &quot;who he is&quot;. those children need a strong example that they are loved and cared for. tip toeing around the monster who did this to them is not going to help ANYTHING. he is already paying he debt to society, he has to face his debt to his family. he has done something very wrong and he knows it. he will not be upset if you are mad at him. he's probably expecting it really. this is your chance to be strong and be on the other side of the coin and not let those children suffer through all the things you have. be the strong one. i know you can!

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