Tag Archives: sensitive

Dealing with a narcissist is never easy. It’s impossible to have a simple conversation with one, because there is always some ulterior motive. Usually, that motive is to hurt or embarrass you, especially while they appear innocent. They love to say indirect things so if you confront them on their nastiness, they can honestly say, “I never said that!” And it’s true- they didn’t say that. Instead they implied it. The difference is you end up hurt & wondering if they’re right, you are too sensitive, you read into things, you’re crazy, etc. At least if someone out right criticizes you, there is no doubt they are out to hurt you.

If you’re wondering if you’re being oversensitive or if the narcissist in your life really is trying to hurt you, there are some giveaways.

If someone complements you in front of your narcissist, you will have to pay. You can’t get any positive attention, because she deserves it all! At least she thinks so. Either she will say something to negate the complement, or treat you even worse than usual until her anger is done. Many years ago, I recently started dating a man who thought we should meet each other’s parents in spite of my protests & wanted to invite my parents to dinner one night. Just after dinner when my parents went to leave the room, my boyfriend said, “Mrs. Bailey, I just want to say, you raised a really wonderful daughter.” My mother looked Mike in the eye, snorted & said, “Well, at least I tried to” & left the room. Does this type of comment sound familiar to you? If so, no, you aren’t being oversensitive- this type of snarky comment hurts!

If you seem too happy for the narcissist’s liking, you can count on the narcissist saying something designed to destroy that. They are happy squishers, doing anything they can to squish your happiness! Once, I had lost a few pounds. I didn’t need to lose much, but was glad that I lost probably ten pounds or so. I told my mother, who said, “You probably lost weight because you have cancer & are going to die.” No way was that said to benefit me or said out of concern. Comments like that are said to squish any joy you may be feeling, period.

Have you ever heard the comment, “I would NEVER” come from your narcissist? That one is designed to make you feel not good enough because you would stoop so low as to doing whatever she would never do. My mother once told me she would NEVER even ride in a car, let alone own one, with over 100,000 miles on it. It was obviously said because my husband & I both love & own old cars while hers is much newer than anything we own. (At least I had the pleasure of telling her that when we took my parents to Annapolis the previous weekend in hubby’s car, his car had almost 250,000 miles on it at that point. She was speechless. It was a fun moment for me! lol)

Whatever thing you have accomplished or purchased or done that thrills you is fodder for a narcissist making sure you know it isn’t impressing her. So you just got a promotion at work & will be making twice your old salary? She isn’t impressed- you still don’t own the company, do you? Anyone could do that job- it’s nothing special. You just bought your first brand new car? So what? It’s not a “good” car like hers. My mother no longer blatantly criticizes things of mine she finds not good enough. Instead, she gives a blank look like she is bored to tears. The look hurts just as badly as the criticisms because the message is the same- she thinks I’m not good enough. (Thankfully, the more I’ve healed, I’ve learned not to care about what she thinks of me).

So Dear Reader, when you experience these things, please remember- the narcissist is gaslighting you! You aren’t oversensitive or reading into things or crazy! Instead, you are on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. You are fine! It’s the narcissist who has issues.

I’ve found to deal with these abusive behaviors, you need to learn as much as possible about narcissism & gaslighting. You also need to learn what tactics your narcissist uses so when they happen, you can remind yourself this is simply her weapon of choice- there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. Also, focus on your own emotional healing. The healthier you get, the harder you are for narcissists to manipulate or control. Their criticisms no longer traumatize you, but simply annoy you that they are so anxious to hurt you. Their games no longer work, which frustrates them to no end. It actually can get funny sometimes when you reach a point in your healing where you understand what is happening & refuse to be abused, but the narcissist is convinced all the old tactics still work on you. Their outrageous behavior can be downright funny sometimes when you understand it, as can the lengths they go to in an attempt to get their way.

Are you often told you’re too sensitive? Criticized for crying easily or wearing your heart on your sleeve?

Many of us who grew up with narcissistic parents have heard those things & much more, especially from our narcissistic parents. It doesn’t help that most people these days think you shouldn’t show emotion. They often get extremely uncomfortable when someone shows emotion, & try to shame them into being silent. Have you ever survived losing a loved one or survived a traumatic event, then shortly after been told you need to “get over it already”? That is a prime example of what I mean by trying to shame someone into being silent about their emotions.

I don’t believe this is at all healthy! God has given us emotions so we can comfort another person who is suffering, know when to end a relationship or start a new one, when we need to make changes, when we are being mistreated or to appreciate when we are being treated well & much more. Why shouldn’t we feel these things??

Also, I believe being sensitive isn’t a bad thing. I believe it shows that you have a good, caring heart when things touch you so easily. Many people who were raised by narcissists turn out calloused & uncaring, but there are also a great deal of us who turned out sensitive & loving. We know what pain is like, & we don’t like seeing others in pain! We want to help them if possible, even if it’s only to make them laugh a little or know there is someone who cares.

So few people are comfortable showing their sensitivity for fear of criticism, but I would like to encourage you today to show that part of you to the world! The more of us who do, the more willing others will be to show their sensitivity too. It gives others courage to see people who share a quality being so open & unashamed about it. And, let’s face it- the world is not a nice place! It could use a lot more niceness, compassion & sensitivity. If you let a hurting person know you understand, that they aren’t alone, you’re there if they need you, or even cry with the person, that truly can comfort that person more than most anything else can. You may inspire a turning point in this person’s life- they may begin to heal because of you or use surviving their painful experiences to inspire others. They even may be inspired to stop contemplating suicide! You never know- you may save someone’s life or inspire them in a way no one else can!

I was watching Bishop T.D. Jakes this morning. He said something that struck a chord in me- “Some people don’t confront what’s wrong, they comfort it.”

This is so true of many people. So many folks can’t seem to handle deep issues, only light & happy things. When you tell one of these people anything about your abusive mother, they just can’t handle it. They make excuses for her behavior, blame you, tell you it’s your place to make things right with her, or say other stupid things like “She’s the only mother you’ll ever have!” They have similar responses if you have mental health problems- “You need to get out more,” “Cheer up!”, “Think happy thoughts!”, “You need to get over it.”, “You’re not a soldier- you can’t have PTSD!”

Everyone who opens up about being abused or having mental health issues has to deal with someone like this at some point. It’s painful, especially when it comes from someone you are close to, & you expected to be supportive. I just want you to remember something- when someone behaves this way, it doesn’t mean you are crazy, wrong, need to make things right with your mother. When someone can’t handle the “ugly” things in life, that is something wrong with them, not you. Please remember that!

You need to exercise wisdom on how much you tell who about your experiences since some people, even ones you’re close to, may never be able to handle tales of your experiences. Only discuss your experiences with compassionate, non-judgmental people.

However, this doesn’t mean you need to be silent about your experiences! I personally believe that although God doesn’t want painful things to happen to you, He can create a purpose for them. For me, I have been able to help other daughters of narcissistic mothers via my books & website. I don’t know what your purpose is, but rest assured, you have a purpose for surviving what you have survived! Ask God to show you your purpose, & He will!

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I no longer have a facebook fan page. Due to wanting more privacy for my fans, I created this group. It is a safe place to discuss my work, their own battles with abuse/healing/recovery, or, well, anything they like!