Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm not really sure that I can pinpoint one exact "aha" moment or any certain situation that made me want to make the change and take the weight off. It wasn't like there was all of a sudden a light bulb that suddenly went off one day. Maybe part of that was because I had struggled with my weight for so long and had lost all confidence and hope that I'd even be able to take the weight off, even if I tried. I had done the Zone diet years ago and lost between 30-40 pounds but gained it all back and then some within a year of when I finished. I think the thought of failing again lingered in the back of my mind. I guess I found myself comfortable with accepting or maybe not accepting who I was and started asking myself, "Why even try?"

I do however, remember being at my heaviest - 278 pounds of all Paige. (I know, scary!) I actually didn't realize I'd gotten that heavy, because I never liked getting on the scale. (Who does, right?) I think in some ways it scared me, and in some ways I didn't want to deal with the reality of what I'd gotten myself into. I do though remember one instance vividly. I was sitting in the recliner on a Tuesday night with my legs propped up, watching Biggest Loser, eating a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, and I could hear myself wheezing as I breathed. I had recently noticed this had become a part of who I was. (The wheezing that is.) I didn't notice it often but it was there. It bothered me. It was then that I started thinking about my life, about my body, about the fact that it was a gift to me. Yet I hadn't taken care of it the way I knew I should. Was I being selfish and not making good choices? Maybe some of the time. Was it because I really didn't care? No, that wasn't it at all. Was it because I was just being lazy? Maybe. Was it because I was afraid of failure? That was part of it. Or did the real reason lie within the idea that I hadn't ever educated myself properly about food and how it works or doesn't work in our body? Yes, that was it! I had not a clue about how food worked. Along with that, I had no idea that there was no such thing as a diet. I always assumed in order to lose the weight you needed to diet. It was then, that I slowly started to realize that if I was going to decide to do something to lose the weight I had been carrying around, there would be a starting point but there would be no finish line. It would be a lifestyle - something I was comfortable with doing the rest of my life.

I didn't jump into anything right away because the reality of it was I had to be the one to do the work in order to make the change. Only I could physically be the one to change me. Not a trainer. Not my husband. Not books, friends, meetings, diet foods, shakes, pills or any other advertised gimmick out there. Ihad to be the one willing to find myself in this big body of mine and make some lifestyle changes, ones that I would be okay living with forever. I often find myself telling people now..."Until your whole heart and soul is ready to make the change, don't bother! And if you are ready, take that leap of faith (no, that was not one bit easy) and just do it! Do whatever it takes to make it happen. There will be sacrifices, many of them, but in the end it will all be worth it."

One of the greatest things I've learned on this journey is that food is my friend, not my enemy. Also, food is here for me to enjoy as a tool, not as a treatment.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

In some ways I can't believe I'm putting these pictures up and making them public for the whole world to see. But then again, that is part of this whole experience right? Enjoying the Journey? Strangely enough, I had no idea how awful I looked until I started to lose the weight and then looked back at pictures. Obviously I thought I looked normal, or at least in some way. I mean I trapsed around Mexico in a bathing suit SEVERAL times like this. Hello! I even asked my husband why he didn't tell me how awful I was looking and he always said: "Paige it's what's on the inside that counts." Never once did he give me a hard time, suggest, or prod about the idea that I needed to do something about my weight. He truly loved me for who I was.

Now days, when I pull these pictures out and show them to the people that I love, and the ones who know me the most, they will often say: "Wow! I don't ever remember you looking like that Paige!" The truth of it is, that was really me. All me! In the flesh!

The good news is that I'm actually warming up to this idea of getting my story out there and sharing it with others. I think I'm excited about it because it's so real. Having a weight problem, that is. I know because I've lived it. God hasn't given us these wonderful bodies to treat them in any way other than the best we know how. Let us educate ourselves and start living for Him!

P.S. If I was going to post my pre-weight loss pictures, I couldn't help but post my most recent one too. (Just so you can see I really have changed!) Is that legal? I haven't even told you my whole story yet, but I'm bringing out the finished product?!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It all started late last spring when I felt a nudging to start a blog and write about my weight-loss journey. Oddly enough, it came to me one day while on a run training for my first Half Marathon. (Which I completed June 25, 2011.) You see, I'd already lost all my weight. 133 pounds to be exact. But why didn't I think of blogging about it sooner? I could have been doing it all along. To be honest, it didn't come to me until that spring afternoon when I realized for the first time that I hadn't enjoyed the journey I was on. I was always second guessing myself. Questions kept running through my head. "Can I really do this? Am I doing this? Can I keep the weight off?" I wouldn't even believe it when people told me how good I was looking. My response was often "Nah" or something very similar. Believing in myself was something I wasn't good at, and to this day, is something I still struggle with. (shall I mention it has taken me over four weeks just to get this post out and it It all stems from fear and believing in myself in the blogging world.)

I'm not quite sure where this blog will go and what it will all intail but for now, I needed to just start somewhere, take a leap of faith and just do it! (God wasn't going to leave me alone about this.) It's been a year since I've lost the weight and kept it off and A part of me has felt the need to "pay-it-forward" and get my story out there....whether it's just for me, or whether it's to help and inspire someone else. Who knows?

I must just warn you now, I'm terrible with grammar and not always good at expressing myself, but am willing to put all that aside to accomplish what I feel has been heavy on my heart for quite some time.

So, with God on my side, here we go. It's time I go back, re-live some things through my own writing and find joy in the journey!