Q&A

Should you tell your girlfriend about your porn problem, or should you continue to conceal it? I say neither. Instead of telling your girlfriend that you are hooked on porn and risk losing her, get rid of the porn, and tell her what you’ve done for love of her. If you truly love her, then you know that love is capable of very heroic acts. As I once read, a knight cannot be brave unless he has love. His love gives him his courage.

Breaking free from porn isn’t an easy process. So, how can you kill the habit? Click HERE for some tips.

If you refuse to get rid of the porn, then I think you do have an obligation to tell her. This risk will be good for you, and as bad as this might sound, I do hope she leaves you if you do not drop the porn. You have to choose between her and the fantasies. I know your attachment to it is strong, because I had plenty of the garbage in high school (and even before then). But when we say we’re “addicted” to it, we’re often trying to say that we have no control over ourselves. That’s not true. We choose to open the magazine. We choose to click on the web site. We are not victims. Everyone has self-control. Some use this control over their bodies to become virtuous, and others use the control for the sake of feeding their lust, which is never satisfied. Think of it this way: If your mom were to walk in on you watching pornography online, would you have the willpower to click off the website? Odds are, you would do it in an instant. This means you have the ability to reject temptations, even if the attachment is strong.

If you think you have not simply developed a very tempting habit of looking at porn, but have developed a full-blown porn addiction, then now is not the time for a dating relationship. You should get counseling to overcome the vice. What happens when a guy refuses to deal with the problem? Well, here’s an email I received from a newlywed bride:

“My husband of a little over one month is in love with pornography. I’ve tried to speak with him about it before, but I get nervous and flustered and end up nodding to whatever he says. He does not believe his indulging this desire is cheating or harmful or anything to be ashamed of. He knows I disagree with him, but I doubt he even begins to comprehend how devastating and heart-breaking it is for me. There have already been plenty of nights that he’s spent on the computer, and doesn’t return to share a bed with me at all (he’ll fall asleep on the couch or in the guest room). This causes me to lose sleep! I am committed to having very good communication with him, but how do I bring this up without repeating past unsuccessful attempts to get my feelings across? I pray for him and for us every day, but I don’t know what else to do. I can already see his relationship with porn damaging other aspects of our marriage, especially in my behavior toward him. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my call for help.”

Her husband’s habit was destroying this poor woman. I know you don’t want to ever put your girlfriend through this, but in a sense, you already are. The porn is shaping your expectations of her body and behavior. It’s warping the way you look at her each day. It’s holding you back from becoming the man that she deserves.

I know you want to rid your life of the pornography, but you feel torn. I’ve been there. To overcome the habit, make use of things like accountability software and and be accountable to people in your life who know your struggles and can encourage you to stay strong. Sometimes you need to do what you don’t want to do, in order to get the results that you do want. In your case, dump the porn and you will see that instead of seeing your girlfriend ashamed of you, you can have the joy of making her proud.