Britney Spears is deprived of that which she loves. Ryan Phillippe contemplates quitting acting. Lindsay Lohan fears she is the victim of a "witch hunt." Monday gossip is trapped in a prison of carrots and health.

Britney Spears' tour staff is under strict instruction to keep not just drugs and booze out of Britney's sightline, but also "hot dogs, pizza, and cookie dough ice cream," because apparently Britney has no self-control whatsoever. I like to imagine her inner life as the music video for "Me Against the Music," but instead of a pas de deux with an aggressively crotch-rubbing Madonna, Britney dances the tango around a tub of Ben & Jerry's: "With the taste of your lipids / I'm on a binge / You're toxic, I'm slipping under." Then the ice-cream rips off its lid, and you realize it's actually an apple in disguise! Hungrily, Britney reaches for nature's toothbrush—but then the apple rips off its face, and it is actually Cheetos. [Sun, image via WENN]

Ryan Phillippe sees you gossiping about him, and he's going to go nuclear just to shut you up: "I think I'm going to end my acting career. I'm so introverted. I'm ready to be behind the scenes…. I'm a good guy. I'm not the guy you read about." [P6]

Julia Roberts's children Henry, Hazel, and Phinnaeus "think I'm a good cook. They actually told me that I should open a restaurant." Idea: Baby name cook book, co-written with Gwyneth Paltrow. One cup chopped Hazel Roberts-Moder, two cups diced Apple Paltrow-Martin… [People]

Words attributed to bail-breaking trial-bound Lindsay Lohan, in describing her legal state: "blind-sided," "fucked-up," "ridiculous," "witch-hunt." Her prosecutor is running for District Attorney, and LiLo thinks she's using the case for publicity. Since the prosecutor begged the judge to remove her from the case, this probably isn't true, but whatever. Witch-hunt! Blacklists! No cocaine-breathing starlet is safe. [TMZ, Popeater, TMZ]

LeAnn Rimes married Eddie Cibrian this weekend, and the wedding "just like" Eddie's wedding with his first wife, Brandi Glanville! Basically, LeAnn is trying to steal Brandi's entire life. She will rip off Brandi Glanville's head and eat Brandi Glanville's brains, and then she will make herself a coat out of Brandi Glanville's skin, and run around petting a creepy toy poodle until Jodie Foster shows up to shoot her in the face. [Us]

Orlando Bloom at the Tribeca Film Festival: "I'm getting drunk right fucking now." Then he went to Paul Rudd's table, and proceeded to bro out. [Gatecrasher]

Real Monster of Beverly Hills star Camille Grammer has banned baritone-voiced bald guy Kelsey Grammer from the mansion he bought for her many years ago, back when they were in love. Their nanny administers custody exchanges at a shopping mall parking lot in Malibu. [P6]

There have been rumors that MTV's Teen Mom franchise was driving America's youths to purposeful pregnancies, but I always assumed it was a "pregnancy pact"-style urban myth. Not so, says 16 and Pregnant baby daddy Josh Smith, whose request for a restraining order against baby mama Jennifer Del Rio characterized Jennifer as a "compulsive liar" who tricked him into knocking her up so she could be on the show. Then she punched him in the face. If you'd like to see a picture of Josh making bedroom eyes with crusted blood all over his face, click here. [TMZ]

Robert De Niro makes a true confession: He thinks Donald Trump is full of raging bull. Yuk yuk yuk. [E!]

Paris Hilton is riding the coattails of a domestic violence victim and implacable junkie who returns repeatedly to her abuser. Since the abuser is Charlie Sheen and the junkie is Brooke Mueller, the selling point is "dramatic" reality television. These people are the absolute worst. [People]