The world as seen by a TV comedy writer

August 2006

August 21, 2006

HOLLYWOODLAND – Did TV’s Superman, George Reeves kill himself or was he murdered in 1959? That’s one of the mysteries. But the bigger mystery is who in his right mind cast Ben Affleck to play Superman? Should be a riot.

A GOOD YEAR – A Russell Crowe comedy (isn’t that an oxymoron?). Re-teaming with Ridley Scott. Length issues forced them to cut all the jokes in GLADIATOR. Now they get the chance to strut out their funny boots. Crowe says doing a comedy puts him in a better mood. Hotel employees will be relieved.

THE GOOD GERMAN – George Clooney, bad guys in the 40’s.

THE GOOD SHEPHERD – Matt Damon, bad guys in the 40’s.

DEJA VU – Tagline should be “Been there, Done that.”

FLUSHED AWAY – Yet ANOTHER cartoon. This one is about a mouse flushed down the toilet. Will take you back to all your goldfish funerals as a kid.

THE RETURN – Aptly named film starring Sarah Michelle Geller. The “return” to television beckons.

I must pause for a moment. Ben Affleck as Superman????

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Christopher Guest and the Guffman Gang in a comedy about Hollywood. I know I’ll be laughing even as I tighten the noose around my neck.

COME EARLY MORNING – Stars Ashley Judd so it must be a kidnapping movie. I bet she does that annoying silent crying thing, like she’s choking on a grape.

CASINO ROYALE – Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. It’ll be hard enough living up to Sean Connery but in this remake of the late 60’s CASINO ROYALE he’ll have to make us forget about Woody Allen as 007. The conceit here is that this new version is really the “first” James Bond movie. We’re supposed to believe the previous twenty others never existed. I know the one with Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist didn’t.

THE DEPARTED – Martin Scorsese’s return to MEAN STREETS genre. I will RUN to see this movie. It’s Martin’s third film with Leo. DeNiro is getting jealous.

FLICKA – Why?

CHARLOTTE’S WEB – Again?

F_ _ _ -- A documentary about the “word”. Contains profanity.

BUG – A paranoid veteran holes up in a hotel room with Ashley Judd. I’m guessing she’s there against her will.

VOLVER – Penelope Cruz in her most difficult acting role. She has to get bad news AND cry.

MARIE ANTOINETTE – Sofia Coppola’s costume epic. The wigs alone cost more than LOST IN TRANSLATION. Stars Kirsten Dunst as the ultimate East Hamptons role model. Her last words were “Let them eat cake!” They should have been, “Spiderman! Help!!”

SAW III – Jigsaw goes after totem poles.

ALL THE KING’S MEN – Sean Penn movie. Expect angst, crying, meltdowns. Still hasn’t recovered from marriage to Madonna.

MAN OF THE YEAR – (not to be confused with EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH) Comedy starring Robin Williams (yawn). Also Lewis Black. I’m there opening day.

SHORTBUS – Actors engage in real sex. I’ll skip MAN OF THE YEAR to see this first.

August 19, 2006

I’ve had several people ask me what NOT to do when trying to get someone to read their spec. It’s a case by case basis of course but I’ll just share some of my own personal experiences or things I have witnessed.

I’ve had people give me spec scripts at high school reunions. Not a good idea unless it’s from the person you always had a crush on and they haven’t gained 300 pounds.

A well known comedy director was in temple during High Holiday services one year when a fellow congregant reached inside his tallis and pulled out a spec script. Not kosher.

When I was announcing for the Orioles I once got thrown out of Bobby Valentine’s office for asking tough questions. He was then the manager of the Texas Rangers. Fifteen minutes later I was summoned back, obviously to receive an apology. No. He had heard I was a writer and pitched me a movie. Try not to be an asshole first.

And then there was the time I was in a funeral home with my father making final arrangements for my grandmother who had just passed away. At one point the mortician asked what I did. When my father said I was a writer the ghoul launched into a twenty minute movie pitch. If my dad wasn’t there no one would believe that story. But it’s true. Pick your spots.

What you need to do is first introduce yourself and try to establish a relationship. How intimate is up to you. But here’s my favorite story. Years ago I and another writer, Larry, were asked to speak at a UCLA extension class. I was a story editor on MASH at the time and he was story editor of RHODA. As we stood in front of the class lecturing, a friend overhead one young woman saying to another: “I think I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather do a RHODA”.

So why the change? Val Maki, the GM and Emmis executive said their research indicated there was a need for this made-up format.

And then gave the following quote, which in one sentence nails the reason why radio and television broadcasting is in such deplorable shape these days –

“We work for our advertisers. Through our research and other research we know there was a large phantom cume that never got measured in Arbitron, as good as Arbitron is.”

“WE WORK FOR OUR ADVERTISERS”.

Oh really? No, you don’t.

YOU WORK FOR THE PUBLIC!!!!!!

You have a license to broadcast in the PUBLIC’S interest, not the advertisers. That is a completely unconscionable and revealing statement.

I never listened to KZLA. I don’t have any friends who work there. Country music is not my thing. But for the loyal fans who were totally abandoned after a quarter of a century of support (shades of what CBS did to CBS-FM last year) I say don’t just write angry letters that won’t be read.

CHALLENGE THE LICENSE.

Use Ms. Maki’s quote. A broadcast license is a privilege. If the mandate of Emmis Broadcasting is to serve the advertisers and not you, they do not deserve to broadcast on the public airwaves.

And excuse me, you can hear Gwen Stefani on fifteen other LA radio stations.

August 17, 2006

I was talking to a writer friend (one of those “old school” comedy writers – has won Emmys and numerous awards and now can’t get his agent on the phone) and exploring the idea of maybe teaching a class on sitcom writing. (dispensing the kind of crap I do in this blog.) He then wondered whether the principles and lessons of comedy writing we learned were even relevant today given what the networks are looking for in their sitcoms? I know when I was taking extension classes at UCLA the teachers seemed very out-of-date. Don’t teach me how to write the perfect FLYING NUN. Would I seem like one of those guys by showing how we broke stories on CHEERS?

I’ve been mulling it over for weeks and have finally come to a conclusion: fuck it! Good story telling and writing craft are always worth learning, even if some of the principles are not in vogue at the moment. Who knows? If Howie Mandell can come back so can quality sitcoms. I will be looking into where and when I could teach a class. So far the Wally Thor Truckmaster School is the only institution to express some interest.

In the meantime, get ahold of TAXI DVD’s. And CHEERS, FRASIER, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, THE HONEYMOONERS and BILKO.

Watch how the comedy comes out of the characters. Notice how relatable most of the situations are even though these shows range in age from ten to forty years old. For the most part they’re about characters forced to make timeless basic human decisions but with a comic spin.

Study the structure. Forget style. How do they set up their dilemmas? How do they build to act breaks? How do they resolve their stories? Are there surprises? If so, how are they set up? How do the casts intermingle? Look at the ensemble players. What is each member’s specific role?

I’ll let you know if I do teach a class. Check the Wally Thor catalogue. But if you study TAXI you’ll know most of what I’m going to say and not have to listen to my insufferable “when I was a young freelancer” stories.

August 16, 2006

Wow, you guys love CHEERS topics. Here’s another one before moving on to something else.

Got into a discussion recently on the value of “stupid” characters on TV. And by that I mean in sitcoms, not our President. My contention was these characters worked because they had their own internal logic, usually taking things too literally. Think Gracie Allen, the Coach & Woody, Reverend Jim, etc. (In the case of our President the internal logic is “But if I go to New Orleans to inspect the flood damage I’ll miss the Padres game”.)

“Stupid” characters also provide a great way to impart exposition to the audience. When Sam explains what’s going on to the Coach he’s also explaining it to the viewers.

So the trick is to find that line that is dumb but you understand why the character would arrive at it. Sometimes it’s a fine line. In the case of the Coach on CHEERS we had a contest in a writers room to see who could pitch the dumbest Coach joke. One day we were faced with the following set-up: Sam is in his office. The Coach comes in to say he’s got a call. Jerry Belson is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He pitched this:

COACH: Sam, there’s a little black man in the bar who wants to speak to you.

SAM: No Coach, that’s the phone.

WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I’d like to offer this:

RUMSFELD: Mr. President, there’s a little black man outside on the desk who wants to speak to you.

August 15, 2006

A number of people commented on yesterday’s post mentioning Kevin McHale’s two appearances on CHEERS.

As a rule of thumb, when you stunt cast with non-actors, especially sports stars, it’s best to give them the minimal to do and say. And by that I mean, have them enter, stand there, and leave.

A real exception was Kevin McHale.

McHale, who was then the Boston Celtics’ Hall-of-Fame sixth man, was hired for one brief scene in one episode. But he proved to be so good, so natural, and even (shockingly) so funny that we increased his part and then brought him back for a second episode. If this GM of the Timberwolves thing doesn’t work out Kevin could always star in the next STILL STANDING.

The only other time we did that with a celebrity was Alex Trebeck. Remember the Cliff-on-JEAPORDY episode? Alex was only slated to be in the actual JEAPORDY scene, but he was so funny we brought him into the bar as well. And if he screwed up we could always sound a buzzer.

One trivia note re Kevin McHale: In the Boston Gardens bolts episode (written by David Isaacs and me) there’s a brief scene where he’s in bed with his wife. We used his actual wife. And she was funny too! Not Alex Trebeck funny but still.

On the other hand…

The first season we used former pitcher Luis Tiant for a beer commercial scene. It took 100 takes. And we still settled.

And then there’s the Wade Boggs affair (literally). It was the very end of season six. NBC ordered an additional show. We put together a story called BAR WARS where CHEERS got into a practical joke war with Gary’s Olde Town Tavern. We thought it would be funny for a real Boston sports star to enter CHEERS but the gang think it’s an imposter, pants him, and chase him out of the bar.

The first name we came up with was Red Sox All-Star, Wade Boggs. Trouble was, it was March and he was in Spring Training in Winter Haven, Florida. We inquired anyway, and to our amazement, he agreed to do it. He even got the Red Sox to give him three days off. We thought, wow, CHEERS must really be influential now.

A few years later we learned the truth. An article by Margot Adams in PLAYBOY revealed that she was having an affair with Boggs and the real reason he was so hot to do our show was that he got a free trip to LA to see Margot. So much for our show’s massive influence.

Years later I was broadcasting for the Orioles and Mariners and encountered Boggs in the clubhouse. He wouldn’t talk to me. Yeah, like it was my fault.

As a writer you like to think that when you write a role it so specific that only a certain number of people could play it. Well, that’s not always the case.

In the first year of CHEERS we had a role in an episode for a mysterious character who comes into the bar posing as a spy. We first offered the role to Richard Burton. Unbelievably, he passed. Then it was offered to Jack Elam (the guy with the lazy eye who played the villain in a thousand western). Elam passed and we ended up with Ellis Rabb, a very flamboyant theatrical actor who built his career on playing fops. (I think if he had passed our next choice was Billy Barty)

Several seasons later we wrote an episode where Sam brings Larry Bird back to the bar and it appears that he steals Rebecca’s hundred thousand dollar earrings. When Bird decided to pass we went to the next logical choice, Admiral William J. Crowe Jr., the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Side trip: He turned out to be a great guy. And yes, he was always trailed by an aide with a box handcuffed to his wrist – putting the Admiral in direct satellite communication with the President, day or night. Every twenty minutes this aide had to unlock the box and place a test call. I badgered him into letting me watch this once. He opened the box. I was expecting this real high tech Star Wars equipment. It looked like used Radio Shack shit, with a black phone worthy of Maxwell Smart.

Admiral Crowe did every joke we wrote for him…except one, presented here for the first time.

He’s sitting at the bar with Norm and Cliff. Norm says, “So you got the black box, huh?” Admiral: “That’s right.” Cliff: “And you can make one call and nuclear missiles are in the air on their way to Russia?” Admiral: “Yes, sir.” Norm then slaps a bill on the counter and says, “Fifty bucks says you can’t.”

I’m only sorry Larry Bird didn’t take the role. I’m sure he would have said it.

August 13, 2006

We opened! THE 60’s PROJECT premiered Thursday night at the Goodspeed Theatre in Chester, Ct. (otherwise known as the Broadway of the Nutmeg State). It went fantastic considering we had no dress rehearsal, barely had time to do the tech, there were still glitches in the visual effects, scenes were still being lit on the fly, and our drummer was rushed to the hospital with slipped disc (get better soon, Ron!) requiring a replacement to come in last minute and perform the score cold. In other words – a typical opening! My eternal gratitude to director Richard Maltby Jr. and our fantastic cast for somehow getting this monster up.

Much to everyone’s delight (and relief) the show played great. The only problem – length. We took out twenty minutes and the next night it went through the roof. Yes, it was hard to cut stuff we loved but far more excruciating was having to tell the cast that their scenes or moments or songs were cut. Especially when the cuts were no fault of theirs. It was all about story – eliminating the redundancies, sharpening the focus, quickening the pace, taking out my jokes that proved to be clams.

It’s amazing what a great addition elimination can be. But tell that to the kids who sang and danced their hearts out on a number that you just killed.

In television of course, we’re faced with this problem every week. Networks tell us how long our shows can be and we can’t deliver one second over. But at least in TV you can save lifted material and use it later. On CHEERS we had what we called our “SOS” file – “some other show”. We loved those bar talk runs but if shows ran long they were always the first to go since they were always off story. There’s one I remember that David Isaacs and I wrote where the topic was “what’s the smartest barnyard animal?” That run was in and out of literally seven episodes. We wrote it early in the first season. It finally aired late in the second. During table readings the cast would get to it, stop, and say “Oh no. THIS again?” We’d say “Please perform the rest of the show faster so we could finally get this goddamn thing in.”

I had much more to say about making cuts (or “killing your babies” as the delightful phrase goes) but took my own advice and cut it.

If you find yourself near Chester, Connecticut anytime before September 3rd, come see our show, THE 60’s PROJECT. And if you have an 11:00 train you’ll be able to make it now.

Since airport security has now made it impossible for anyone to travel unless absolutely necessary, the next best substitute is reading about the destinations you might want to have gone to. So as a totally self serving public service, here is one of my travelogues from 2003. Any publishers out there that want to compile them for a book, I’m interested. (told you it was self serving)

********
Back from one of my favorite places – Chicago. It’s truly glorious the three months there's no wind chill factor.

Debby and I went back to collect Annie who had been at Northwestern University for a five week intensive theatre program for high school kids. 135 "Cherubs" took classes in theatre. Annie's performed in "the Trial of Lizzie Borden" (O.J. with an axe). Happy to report she was fabulous. Note to all high school acting teachers: NEVER let teenage boys play "old men". Not only is it an exercise in bad make up it is always embarrassing. The Little Rascals wearing grown up clothes. Play it safe. Do "Grease".

Thank God Annie didn't tell the other Cherubs what I do for a living otherwise I would be coming home with 134 head shots.

Our flight to Chicago was delayed an hour and half because a latch wasn't fastened correctly. Airline mechanics have the perfect job. Union benefits AND they get to keep 200 people waiting. Have you been on American Airlines lately? No more do they serve meals in coach. They now employ "Bistro Service", which means paper sacks containing stale sandwiches, raisins, and chips. I found myself longing for those disgusting omelets. Next year "Intermezzo Service" when they just throw you cans of C-Rations.

We stayed at the Doubletree Suites (Holiday Inn with cookies). They have the following sign hanging on the towels in the bathroom

WHEN YOU CARE, IT SHOWS

"Dear Guest,

Everyday millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that have only been used once. YOU MAKE THE CHOICE:

A towel on the rack means "I will use again".
A towel on the floor means "Please replace"

Thank you for helping us conserve the Earth's vital resources. “

How many housekeeping people were they able to lay off as a result? How many trees were cut down to make those little signs?

I'm just glad that little sign wasn't on the toilet paper.

In the honor bar Sparkling Water cost $2.75. At that price they'll never run out of it. They care and it shows.

Dinner Thursday night at Hugo's Frogbar (which is Gibson's sister restaurant). Nothing like a Chicago steak. Best animal fat in America. Rush Street is quite the scene on a warm summer night. Packed with people drinking. Since valet parking is $9.00 I suspect none of them had cars so they all got home safely. The care continues to show.

Anytime you turn on Channel 7 Oprah is on.

The big thing in Chicago these days is "Caramel Crisp". This is caramel covered popcorn and the shop that sells it on Michigan Avenue has LINES. Considering the beef, deep dish pizza, pancakes, White Castle sliders, etc. that Chicagoians devour this must be considered eating light.

The other big craze is American Girl Dolls. These are well made expensive dolls that kids can get to look like themselves. There is a big American Girl Doll store with lines almost as large as for the gummy popcorn. There's something a tad Stepford about seeing all these little girls clutching dolls that bear their own likeness. Of course I'd kill to have a Ken Levine action figure so who am I to talk?

There is no greater place in the world to watch a baseball game than Wrigley Field. Nowhere even close. We went Friday afternoon. Cubs vs. Arizona (that classic rivalry). The game started at 2:20. By 3:20 they were beginning the fifth inning. The game ended at 10:05 (but more on that later). Picked up a Harry Caray bobblehead doll. Debby got a George W. Bush bobblehead. It will go great with our one for Alf. Outside of Wrigley Field they have a statue for Harry Caray, their longtime announcer. On Michigan Ave. they have a statue for another sportscaster, Jack Brickhouse. You have to love a town that erects statues for baseball announcers. Here in LA. the best they can do for Vin Scully is a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is lovely until you realize there's also one for Bugs Bunny, Trigger, and Charlie Tuna.

Across the street from Wrigley is a stand that offers "Sunglasses and Tattoos".

Everyone sitting around us was plastered. We got a foul ball in our section that went off six hands before landing in the lap of the old lady wearing an Osbourne's T-shirt. Don't drink and catch.

At 4:15 the rains came delaying the game. Debby and I had to leave anyway, agreeing to meet Annie for dinner in Evanston at 5. It rained hard for three hours. I just kept wondering how many towels you could wash as a result. The Cubs and Diamondbacks resumed playing and would continue through 14 innings. We bar hopped along Rush watching the game cursing the futile Cubs like everyone else.

Bob Hope's death at 100 leaves one fewer person who was alive the last time the Cubs won the World Series.

The Cubbies finally won in the 14th. Time of game: 7 hours, 40 minutes. A day/night single header. A thousand people were left in the stands. Every one needed a designated driver.

I saw the apartment building they used for the Bob Newhart Show. Bet I was the only person in fifteen years to recognize it.

Chicago in the summer is the home of the "Oblivious Tourist". Revolving doors completely befuddles them. Walking without just stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk? Big problem.

The Oblivious Tourist in the next room is now showering with the same towel for four days. The Oblivious Tourist in the room across the hall cares even more. He hasn't showered for four days.

There is a Pancake House for every three Chicagoians.

Gino's Pizza and Shaw's Crab House were delicious and fattening as ever. But the best meal we had was at Roys. Score one for Hawaii.

Every restaurant on Rush Street was packed on Friday and Saturday night....except the Lo Ca Locale. Tumbleweeds were rolling through that place.

In honor of the upcoming Elvis festival the WGN morning weather idiot AND the anchor, donned Elvis costumes. The anchor actually read a few news stories wearing that get up. What does it say about their journalistic integrity when the most credible member of their news team was Oscar red carpet booklicker, Sam Rubin live from LA?

Sunday afternoon produced the worst local flooding in 45 years. You could even wash bed sheets everyday with that much water. People were diving into theatres to get out of the rain...except for those theatres showing "Gigli". It was still preferable to be pelted with hail.

Coming home Annie was detained by airport security at O'Hare because of her teddy bear. They then searched through her backpack and let her go through, even with a pair of scissors. Huh???

The Oblivious Tourist was unclear that when he had to put his shoes in the plastic basket to go through the X-ray machine he had to take them off first.

Time to unpack and not wash any of our dirty clothes. Because of course, we care.

Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created his own series including ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres.