A life changing journey that began with quitting a 20 year cigarette habit.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Worry Is The Most Wasteful Emotion....

The sooner I learn that for good, the better! I've been working pretty solid for the past month, and I gotta say...it's like I've been lifeguarding for years.We'll see what happens the first time there's an emergency on my shift, but I'm confident that I can handle it if it does happen. Honestly, worrying about my ability to do this job was really stupid of me. I am more than competent....what I need to do is get confident. I'm getting better in that area, though.So many things have been happening around here lately, it's insane. Some good...some otherwise. Good (with a touch of otherwise): I'm not the only one in the family with a new job in a new field. Mickey quit his retail job of 10 years...to work on the railroad. He's on his second week and is really enjoying it so far. He's away from home from Monday morning to Thursday afternoon, so sleeping alone 3 nights a week takes some getting used to. His days could vary, too. He was telling me that next week he may be out for 6 days, but off for 8. The new job is good...the new wage is really good....the time apart kinda sucks. The funny thing is, in the long run, we actually get more time together. When he worked at the grocery store, he had 2 days off, but not. On those 2 days, he worked as a projectionist for the movie theatre, so he basically never had days off for about 3 years. I should quit whining, though...I can do this 3 nights standing on my head. Even if it's 6 nights, it's still nothing compared to the months on end we'd have to be apart when he was in the army.Otherwise: The boy child needs dental surgery to remove 2 extra teeth in his bottom jaw. New job doesn't give Mickey benefits until he's been there 6 months. I don't get benefits at all as a part time employee. His appointment with the specialist (3 hours away) was on Oct. 3...next Monday. The group coverage from the previous job runs out on Friday, and the insurance company (of frickin course) won't give us a break. So I had to cancel the appointment that we had to wait 6 bloody months for in the first place, because of 3 lousy days.Good (peppered with otherwise): Kaitlyn is, as I type, rocking out at the Green Day concert that we gave her tickets to on her birthday in June. However, the plan was for Mickey to take her. He couldn't because of his job, so I was gonna take her. Six days to concert day...last Wednesday...my sitter for the twins cancelled on me. I was like....NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I ended up giving my ticket to her best friend, and sending them both into the city on the Greyhound. They're staying with the friend's grandma. I kinda wish I was there, but honestly...what a drag to go to a rock concert with your mom of all people! That's why I gave the ticket to her friend. She'd have way more fun with Tina than with her old mother. It helped that they have an overprotective grandma to stay with, too. lol I'm a bit nervous at the thought of my little girl at a rock concert in Vancouver, but her and Tina are smart girls with good heads on their shoulders. Hell, she's called me 6 times since I put her on the bus yesterday afternoon. lol Friggin mama hen syndrome. :~s I won't breathe properly until I hear from her after the concert, I just know it. She ran out of cell phone mins (damn her) so I prolly won't hear from her until midnight, when she gets back to the burbs. My baby's growing up on me, but does it have to cause me such anxiety?? Yes. It does. That's what makes me a good mom.Totally, utterly sucky: It looks like the end is near for my cat. I'm pretty sure the cancer is in her lungs, judging by the way she wheezes at times, and the way she has to stop to catch her breath when she comes up from the basement. I also discovered a small lump on the side of her neck the other day. She's lost quite a bit of weight, too...yet she's still eating and drinking. Not nearly as much as she used to in a sitting, (she was a flipping pig in cat's clothing) but still twice a day. The rest of time she's curled up on a blanket behind the couch. I know I should consider putting her to sleep soon, but I can't imagine doing it while Mick is away. I couldn't bear that pain without him next to me. We can't do it at the end of this week because I"m working when he gets home Thursday, and I picked up an extra shift for Friday morning and don't get off until 3:30 Unless we can get in after that, I may either have to wait until the end of the following week, or bite the bullet and just do what's right instead of what's convenient and easier for me. Fuck, I hate this. I've never had to make this decision before, and it blows big time. :~(I've had some smoking memories from time to time while this upheaval has been happening, but would I actually have a cigarette? No way, man....smoking is so tired. My quit is one of the few things I actually have control of right now...I'll be damned if I'm giving it up.

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About Me

I have chronic pain, but I don't let it keep me down. I'm working on a self improvement project..developing a healthy body, mind and spirit through fitness and a proper diet rather than drugs and junk food! lol
I quit smoking almost 3 years ago...I figure that if I can do that, I can do anything!