4.09.2012

Freak Out

I never thought I'd be this much of a freak as a mother.

I can remember friends saying, "I can't wait for you to be a mom!" and, "I know you'll be such a fun mom!"

Maybe I am a fun mom sometimes. Most of the time, though, I'm a freak. I freak out about everything. Don't stand on the couch! Don't walk over there by yourself! Don't get too close to that dog! Don't, don't, don't...

I'm trying so hard to let go a little. My baby is almost not a baby anymore. In less than 2 months, he'll be 2! He is capable of so much more than I give him credit for.

I think the reason I freak out so much is because of all the bad things I hear about. Constantly. This happened to this child (even if that child happens to be 35 years old and fighting a war...he is still someone's child) and that child went missing and at a public school there was a shooting and the list goes on and on and on until it's all I can do to bring my trembling hands up to cover my ringing ears. And I don't even watch the news!

The amount of information out there is staggering. The speed at which we receive it is incredible. Everywhere I go there are tragedies screaming at me. Even when I close my eyes the images are still there. This is the stuff of my nightmares.

I have to trust. It's not something I'm good at. I can't keep my son locked inside this house forever. There is a reason, a purpose, a plan. I don't know what that is, and I might never know. I have to trust. Then maybe I can be a little less of a freak and a little more relaxed. Maybe.

1 comment:

in this also, you are not alone. sometimes i check Ethan and Luke 4 times before i go to bed to make sure they are breathing, there isnt a blanket covering the face. swaddled too tight? too hot, too cold, too bright, too dark. nothing i can trip on in the middle of the night and fall with the baby, the curtains are not touching the heat vent..the list is endless and thats just the bedtime routine. when Ethan is running outside i imagine almost every possible scenario where he can get hurt and cringe on the inside...

I dont think it gets better.. i think we just learn to let go and give God control QUICKER.. maybe?...

knowing that no matter what, God has a plan, and he loves my little boys more than i do. So hard to imagine.