"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Auteur Watch - Hanelle M. Culpepper

Sorry, been neglecting my duties again, and paying the price. Anyway, according to her IMDb bio page, ... hoh boy... it says her career began when she was selected for Bill and Camille Cosby's program for African-American screenwriters, so chances are good that she got drugged and raped by Cosby. She's mostly a documentary filmmaker, but she's such a professional that she knows there's some kind of inherent bias or conflict of interest in her making a bio about Cosby's rapey side. Does Michael Moore have to do everything around here? Incidentally, what's he up to these days? Lucky Numbers 2? ... nope, nothing on the docket currently. He's like Richard Donner these days, lost in the producer's labyrinth. Not a silver screen premiere in sight anymore.
So clearly there's no need to run my special Spielberg software that I've been loathe to use these days anyway. At least until I learn how to use those stupid "vectors." Sheesh. But I am perusing her IMDb C.V. and, while the George W. Bush 2000s were fun for her... living in obscurity, doing the occasional short... it's the 2010s that she's clearly rockstar-ing. I mean, look at all these hot TV shows that you and I have heard of! Then there's a TV movie called "Hunt for the Labyrinth Killer." Also known as The Maze Runner sequel. That should kill the marketability of labyrinths for decades. I mean, if you want to make a labyrinth exciting, do like the Doom or Quake series of video games. I'm still reeling from when I first got a PC and someone had made one of those phony 3D games: you know, a 2D game with multiple levels. Not enough excitement in it. Not enough.
But what I'm most intrigued by in her résumé is a little film called The 13th Warrior... I mean, The 13th Floor... oops, I mean THIS 13th Floor. It's known as the other 1999 Matrix in the biz... sorry, I mean MURDER on the 13th Floor. Because murder's bad enough, but when it happens on the 13th floor? Oh, dude... that's some crazy-ass Vertigo-type sh... stuff going down. Now, according to one of the two reviewers who actually saw this movie, it's a futuristic-type thriller with no budget and no acting. But they do have futuristic toilets! You know, you take a dump and a voice says "Off the Paleo diet again, I see? Tisk tisk!" in a British accent. Um... Simpsons!!! Hel-LOOOOOO!!!???? Also, this guy complains that there appears to be a scene in the movie, obligatory in nature, that's a downright dirty excuse to show Jordan Ladd in her underwear. Welp, Jordan Ladd is the daughter of Purple Hearts star Cheryl Ladd. So, in that household, standards are a little different. But their motto seems to be, if you've got it (a great bikini bod), flaunt it.