(Desert planet. In a wide shot, Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak are sitting at their usual commissary table by a campfire. A hooting owl can be heard. A shooting star falls.)

(Space Ghost is holding his head.)

Moltar (M):

Are we still canoeing later?

Space Ghost (SG):

(quickly jerking head up) I'm awake! (sips his coffee)

Zorak (Z):

No time for canoeing. We have a foundation to--

SG:

(interrupting) What was he about to say, Moltar?

M:

Well, we run a foundation for inner-city Chinese children, ehh, who we first fire-proof, and then we set 'em on fire to see if it worked -- and it often does.

(As he talks, we hear a wolf howl off in the distance.)

SG:

Huh. People pay you for this?

Z:

They pay us to put 'em out.

SG:

I was talking to Moltar!

(Wide shot. We hear the first four notes of the theme, but it immediately fades out. Another shooting star falls.)

(Phantom Cruiser. Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak are flying back to Ghost Planet. The view is reflected in Moltar's visor.)

SG:

Well, I have a better foundation, but you'll have to miss your foundation activities if you want to see how good mine is.

M:

Hey, what's your foundation about?

SG:

You don't know because I don't-- I not know. But one thing's for sure, there's gonna be animals!

(Exterior of Phantom Cruiser. We hear the same four notes of the theme.)

(Set. There is static on the monitor.)

SG:

Moltar, where are the animals?

(Control room.)

M:

Umm, what animals?

SG:

(on monitor) You see, Moltar...

(Set.)

SG:

Kids are more likely to trust their investments with animals.

Z:

We could just get some poor people and treat 'em like animals.

SG:

Zorak, write this down: No.

(Zorak stares back at him.)

(Control room.)

SG:

(on monitor) Moltar, get me Lassie so I can raise money for retardos.

M:

Okay.

(He pulls lever. "FEED SEARCH STANDBY" pops up on screen briefly, followed by quick shots of George W. Bush on CNN, Mujibar and Sirajul from "Hungry," and a can of Diddley Squat, finishing up on Lassie, who barks a few times.)

(Set. Space Ghost watches as Lassie barks a couple more times.)

SG:

Moltar, how much money's come in?

(Control room. On the monitor it says "TOTAL $0000.00" over the shot of Lassie.)

M:

(pointing at total) Uhh, none. None money.

(Set.)

SG:

That is such b.s. I told--

Z:

Hey, brother! Hey, brother!

SG:

What?

Z:

You want to make a lot of money?

SG:

How? Blow this dog up?

Z:

Umm...

SG:

There's probably a lot of money in that.

(Lassie looks confused.)

Z:

Okay, yeah. Sure.

(Lassie barks and Space Ghost blasts him into a cartoon puff of smoke.)

SG:

Uhh, Moltar. Now how much money?

(Control room.)

M:

Uhh... (garbled) none.

SG:

(on monitor) Get me a cuter animal!

M:

Okay, I'm on it.

(Set. On the monitor, "FEED SEARCH STANDBY" pops up again, then Triumph the Insult Comic Dog fades in. Over the course of the interview, he gains and loses his cigar repeatedly.)

Triumph (T):

Good evening, folks. I don't know what to say--

SG:

Hello, little fella! What's your name?

T:

Oh, yes. Here we go.

SG:

(in cutesy voice) What's your name, poochie?

T:

Don't (BLEEP) with me.

SG:

Ooh, doggie's got teeth.

T:

Get to the plug.

SG:

Oh, my.

T:

Get to the (BLEEP)ing plug already.

SG:

What's your name, little fella?

T:

Look, you want to know about the dog, you come over here and smell my ass like everybody else.

SG:

Fair enough. (flies off)

(Zorak stares at monitor. There is the sound of someone walking up behind Triumph, kneeling down and sniffing.)

I'm familiar with Scooby and I used to work together for Frank Sinatra, yes. Every now and then we would help him bury hookers in the desert.

SG:

(listening) Good. Well, I run a pack of hookers. Mm hmm. What uh? Oh, yes. Weiner.

T:

Uhh, whatever, man. (laughs) You're in trouble, my friend. You're going down faster than Benji did in the Snow Dogs' locker room. Have I mentioned that Benji's queer?

SG:

(listening) Well, I'm queer, too.

T:

Uhh...

SG:

Mm hmm.

T:

Yes, good observation from the space man.

SG:

I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.

T:

Uhh...

SG:

Mm hmm. And I like to eat my own butt.

T:

(laughing) Yes.

SG:

Good. When I'm not killing hookers.

M:

Oh, Space Ghost, what are you saying?!

SG:

Shut up, dog. Eat your biscuit! (tugs leash)

T:

Is it true that Wonder Woman once violated you with--

SG:

(overlapping) Hang on, I just came up with a new slogan for my foundation. Who wants to hear it?

T:

Ahh, please.

SG:

(listening) Mmm. (tentatively) We moisten your dreams with man-urine?

T:

(after a beat) Whatever you say with your out of space jargon--

SG:

(overlapping) Won't you help? Just 20 cents a day and (with more conviction) we moisten your dreams with... man-urine. Won't you help? I think I will.

(Space Ghost is now holding a coffee mug, which he lowers behind desk. After a pause, we hear him start to fill it.)

SG:

Won't you help? (under his breath, quickly) Under the desk.

(Quick close-up of Triumph looking perplexed. With a final jiggle behind the desk, Space Ghost finishing filling the mug, which he raises.)

SG:

Now, Moltar, sprinkle my contribution on the children, so that they may dream.

M:

Ehh, I'm lost. How does this relate to curing retardos?

SG:

It doesn't, Moltar. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm holding my own urine in a cup because I have responsibilities. Won't you help?

(Zorak plays the piano intro to "Desperado" by the Eagles. Space Ghost appears -- sans headphones -- in a spotlight dotted with sparkles. He sings, backed up by the Williams Street Men's Chorus, which is slightly out of phase with him.)

SG:

Hey, retardos, why can't you walk over here?You've been out mending fences, probably can't even walk now.But retardos, meet your warm, golden cure,'Cause you've been out mending fences where you'll never walk alone.So send me some money or I'll bang you up,Yes, I'll bang you right up your ass----------

(Brief pause. Space Ghost holds up a large foam hand with one finger raised.)

SG:

So retardos number one forever.

(The backup singers continue going "Ooh" as credits roll.)

SG:

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have a moment of your time. Help us save a life, perhaps yours, drop by precious drop. Because we're all the same yellow color inside. Thank you. Only with your urine can we be curin', so please, get up and pee in a cup. And remember, retardos number one, forever.