Thursday, January 14, 2016

Change it or Accept it – the Motto for 2016 and Beyond

Been there baby.

I felt a tightness in my chest for hours on Monday. I woke up with it. I feel like I awoke disappointed or something, and then for like 72 hours, carried around what can only be described as a heavy heart. Even on days where things are relatively good and fine, I feel a tightness in my chest,
a weird pretzel knot of anxiety and/or stress and/or worry. And it's most
likely because of the people I'm surrounded by, by default. I say by
default because these are family members and old friends whom I've
known for years, with lovely hearts – good people who ultimately
mean well. But the majority of them have one terrible, awful, no
good, bloodsucking, draining, maddening, bad habit.

THEY COMPLAIN.

Endlessly. About the same thing. For years.

And do nothing, at all, to change or improve their situation.

They just go round about in circles, thinking that they're making
progress, but they're just examining their problem from another
angle, with another magnifying glass. They're doing the same dance
with different moves. They are going nowhere fast, and want to tell
me all about it.

My understanding and rational nature, excellent listening and insightful
advice-giving skills are being wasted on the shiftless. Monday alone I
had four people complain to me. Two complained about their jobs. One
complained about their relationship. And the last complained about
both their relationship and their job. I know another person who
complains about everything from their job, to their relationship (or
lack thereof), to their friends, coworkers, and the price of fucking tea in
fucking China.

I have been unhappy in situations before, I may be unhappy in situations again. But I know how
to gather the courage and change things, or accept them if I truly
can't or don't want to change them. When I am dissatisfied, I wholly trust that I will do what is needed to bring myself back to a place of
satisfaction. I say that I'm fearless, but the truth is I sometimes
feel the fear, but I do what I have to do anyway. I do not let fear stop me; EVER. My sanity, my
happiness, my everyday calm depends on it. I am worth it. All of
these people suffer from low self worth, negative mental chatter,
cowardice, laziness or all of the above. Sometimes people are so deep
in the bubble, so roped into their routine and their everyday life
that they can't see the possibilities outside of that. Most times I get stuck on how to proceed because I don't know HOW to proceed, or what to do next. But in the age
of google and the internet and the world at your fingertips, there is
really no excuse.

And if you don't know what to google, start with the first thing
on your mind:

Why am I so unhappy/stuck/angry/sad?

How can I get a job that pays me well/that is fulfilling/that is located abroad/as a
photographer?

How do I handle a partner that is
jealous/abusive/neglectful/selfish/amazing? :)

START SOMEWHERE.

Here are some examples of things that I accepted or changed over the course of my life:

My city: If you know me by now, you know that I grew up in West Bumblefuck, New York in a small town full of bored kids. I realized early on that in order to reach
where I wanted to be – which at the time was an indeterminate place
known as “somewhere way up high in the glittering New York City
skies” – I had to get out of there. (Adele says the same thing here and J. Cole expresses a similar sentiment in the first 15 minutes of his Homecoming Special.) I ended up moving out of my Mom's house at 17,
and moved to NYC two months after my 19th birthday, with
lotsa courage, few street smarts, and $200 in my pocket... and the
rest is history.

My appendages: For a while, I felt like my hands and feet were kinda big for my
frame. I obviously couldn't change this, so I chose to accept it by
focusing on their positives: my nailbeds are pretty, my nails are
healthy and grow long quickly, my fingers are long and feminine. My
feet look beautiful in heels. Both my hands are feet are slender,
narrow, and elegant in appearance...

My home: Last spring, I was starting to feel super cramped in my NYC studio
apartment. I had been there for 5 years, and I felt like the walls
were closing in on me, and as much as I wanted a change, I was
becoming afraid to leave, because when/how/where else would a find
$700 rent in a safe neighborhood 15 minutes from Manhattan?! I even
hesitated to go on vacation for a few weeks at a time, because how
could I trust a strange subletter to not fuck up all the stuff I
worked so hard to get? Stagnation at its finest. I moved out on my
27th birthday and a month later flew to Paris, where I
planned to spend the summer.

My wanderlust: I wanted to travel, see the world, experience new cultures, and
party in new lands. I changed this by visiting Paris on a whim last
year. (I also hope to hit Hong Kong this February and Toronto in the Spring.) I had wanted to see Paris since I was a teenager, and I
figured why not scratch this destination off my list now that
I have the travel itch? BUT while in Paris, I accepted the fact that
although I love to travel, living out of a suitcase and sleeping on a
new bed can be hard for me, since I am someone who likes security,
and having all of my clothes and things not only readily available to me, but
organized “just so”. Traveling and moving from place to place
constantly requires constant adjustments, whether to your personality
(you have to be more accommodating, more quiet, more friendly), or to
how you're used to living (doing your makeup out of a bag over a tiny
sink in a cramped bathroom requires much more strategic thinking -
and patience! - than putting on your face in front of your well lit
vanity). My coffee made with Parisian water never tasted quite right,
and I missed strange things about America while I was there; like the
foreign accents I was actually familiar with, New Yorkers, my unscented
detergent (many detergents are France are heavily fragrant and
floral), drinking water that tasted fresh instead of heavy (see:
Evian water). I missed trains that ran all night, modern
conveniences (like large elevators and air conditioning and actual customer service) that France seemed to be behind on, and ultimately - being
understood. I cut my two month Parisian adventure in half and
returned excitedly to NY, knowing that I was ready to embrace it
fully again.

My multilingual aspirations: I wanted to learn French and began to, until the trip went bust,
and then I accepted that I wouldn't need to anymore. As of now, there's no other language I want to learn.

My money: Over the course of my adult life, I have
typically had enough for bills, a few pieces of fly shit and an
outing or three, but that was never enough for me, since I wanted to work
less and LIVE (aka ball out) more. So I chose to change that by deciding to not only
finish my book in 2016, but to attend school for Chemical
Engineering, because that kind of coursework excellent challenge for
my brilliant, rational mind and a lucrative career won't ever change the fact
that I'm an artist. (But if I met a lovely man who said "Baby, go ahead and write ya fruitless books while I pay these bills..." woo chile...)

My body: Ten years ago, my body was pretty perfect. Between adult stress, low appetite and food being well, expensive and not a grand priority, I lost 10 lbs that I have yet to get
back. I am officially, and have been for a while now, “too skinny”,
skinny enough that I'm not totally comfortable with my shape. I TRIED to accept this, but I just can't. I want my hips and ass back, and I
want the bones in my chest, shoulders, and wrists to soften. I
changed this situation two days ago and ordered a weight gain
supplement that I hope works and doesn’t make me grow a potbelly or
an ear out of my arm.

My health: Other than dancing for hours when I go to clubs, I don't exercise at all. Yes, this svelte frame and tight skin is all genetics baby! One of my goals this year is to start a fitness regimen and maintain it. I want to do something like Aquacycle Mondays, a Hip Hop dance class Wednesdays and Barre on Fridays. I want to feel more limber (I was going to say flexible, but I'm already double-jointed), more energetic, tighter overall, with less back pain. I want to have some kind of routine and muscle development in place before 30 when everything supposedly goes downhill :-/

My writers block: Finishing my book is my #1 MUST DO this year. My book was taking me longer to complete than I'd hoped, so I
accepted that I needed a nudge and ordered “The Artists Way” to
pop the cork on my blocked creativity. Resistance is a bitch. Learn
to recognize it, and kill it dead in its tracks and you will always prevail.

My reservations: I determined that unlike most people I don't have a fear of
success OR failure – I have a fear of fame. Now before you think I
am some kind of presumptuous cocky bastard – which I am sometimes,
just not in this instance – my whole life I've had this strange magnetism.
To a degree, I get it, I'm uniquely attractive, personable, poised
and well-spoken. But there is an I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-it charm and
appeal and intrigue surrounding me that makes people put me on a
pedestal and want more and become strangely addicted or obsessed.
There was a point in time that people were beginning to recognize me
from this here blog, and instead of embracing it.... I freaked out and stopped
writing. The aversion has less to do with me being unable to handle fame, and
more to do with me only wanting attention from select people (aka
people I like and admire). I have never wanted the admiration and
attention of the general public, and frankly, I never will. With all
that being said, I have accepted that this may stop me from doing
video blogs, and saying yes to certain creative opportunities.

Three things I can't decide whether to change or accept are:
learning to drive, learning to swim and having kids. I can see all
the benefits in them... but I guess I'm in no rush to nail any of
these things down at the moment.

My lovers:

I once dated someone who:

Couldn't decide between loyalty to their dysfunctional mother or
me.

Wanted me to move Texas, had no plans to make more than 40K in
their lifetime, and had no taste.

Tried to change almost every aspect of me physically; from my weight, to my style, to the
way I did my hair and makeup. I later found out this person carried on affairs/cheated with at least 10 other people.

Attempted to use me as a replacement for his crazed and sex
addicted ex girlfriend that he was not yet over. This man also loved to have
discussions about racism, though he strongly preferred to date
non-black women (even though he was also Black) and had never
experienced any racism himself. “You need to know your place!” he
once screamed at me on a crowded Harlem street.

Had an addictive personality and couldn't get enough of weed,
masturbation or accolades at work. He would also fly into jealous
rages (presumably while high), had an uncomfortable codependent relationship with his family and once remarked that his sister had a
“fat ass”.

A high powered executive in the movie industry who wanted me to be nothing more than his trophy.

Flip flopped between being an inspiring, attentive lover to a
suicidal misanthrope who constantly felt sorry for himself. This
person was also often unreachable by phone, broke and emotionally unavailable.

Was physically, mentally, and emotionally lazy and thought the
pinnacle of success was acquiring a designer wardrobe.

Played video games 6 hours a day all the while hoping that someone
would swoop in and save him from his misery.

Was in his 30s, working at the DOPE store in LA, with two kids
from two different women, living at his mothers house, who tried to
gaslight me into believing we were destined to have a BDSM relationship
with each other, and that oh, I was crazy.

Borrowed $500 from me and disappeared upstate, never to be seen or
heard from again.

Chased and chased and chased me and became a complete lazy sack of
shit once I gave in.

Was 6 years older, from Barbados, president of the cool guy club,
brilliant, calm, collected and probably into some criminal shit and
who knows how many other girls.

A famous DJ who would tell me about all the famous exes I
resembled (Noémie Lenoir for instance) and had a habit of chucking constantly in place of speaking.

A sexy financier who scooped me up at a club one hot night, would fade in and out of communication, but would “randomly” bump into me at parties multiple times
in the few months after, hovering around me and staring intently at
me, but never saying much.

Had aspirations of being a truck driver at the tender age of 21
and referred to his mother as a“fucking whore”. He was also an
awful kisser and chain smoked.

Texted me “I'm on acid” one random Saturday night.

Was cool enough, but had a very bland, agreeable personality, with
no real measure of depth or individuality.

Remarked “Good luck with that” after I was vulnerable and shared a lifelong dream
with him.

Lived off Mommy and Daddy's money and thought that hardship was
having to delay his application to Med School.

Kissed like a fish and thought that grabbing my neck and yanking
me towards him as hard as he could so that I would kiss him would go
over well.

Was in his mid 20s, directionless and living at home, and thought
that sharing a story about mistakenly eating a roach would be a good
ice breaker. He cried when I asked for time apart.

Was in the navy and would always say he wasn't ready for a
relationship but would frequently commit to monogamous relationships
with other women in between visiting me.

A sexy DJ a decade or so older than me who had a foot fetish and a
tendency to pick apart my looks and throw tantrums.

Didn't know what they wanted out of dating and expected to just
figure it out as they went along.

Had a double life at home in Germany, and lied about his name,
age, and who knows what else.

Showed up to a first date wearing a cowboy hat, thermal shirt and
sneakers with a platform in them. He later confessed he had a son and
still lived with the mother of said child.

Always gave me a bad gut feeling, despite being chipper, “nice”,
and the type to always say the right thing.

Was so insecure, he averted any direct eye contact and practically
whispered to the waitress when we went out to eat.

Got jealous at the thought of any man even so much as looking at
me, frequently going into frothy mouthed tirades, and asking invasive
questions only to follow them up with “Never mind” before I
could answer.

Swept me off my feet when I was a teenager, dropped me, then
popped up 10 years later because he realized I was "the one" and he
finally wanted to make it work.

Begrudgingly paid for things (dinner etc) and then would coyly remind me of it.

Loved to play Devil's Advocate and debate.

Didn't want anything “serious”.

Was an “alpha male”.

Became an obsessed stalker.

Had long hair.

Had a 6 inch long beard.

Was indecisive.

Lived in/was from the Bronx.

Lived in Florida.

Lived in Delaware.

Had a child.

Was in a relationship.

Smoked weed.

Was too white for me.

Was ugly.

Was too old for me.

Was too young for me.

Was a Scorpio.

I chose to change all of those separate situations, by dumping
them all. One by one, good fucking riddance. (And before you get
really worried about my dating choices/options, save for one of the
aforementioned individuals, I never dated any of these people past the two month mark.)

My love life: Despite all the wackadoos I have met and dumped in my decade of dating, I am still hopeful I will find my whirlwind love. One of my three resolutions this year is to "Find love", and my action plan for that is "continue dating". My discernment and likes are so refined at this point that that's the only action plan I need. I am not wasting time anymore, I won't go on dates with guys "just to see" or "becausethey're nice" or "maybe he'll be intriguing in person"... I always regret my decision after dates like that. I'm letting the duds see themselves out, and I'm only devoting my energy to people I find sexy and intriguing. There are only so many hours of the day, so much talking I can do, so many questions I can ask/answer, so much vulnerability I can display before I tire out and need a few days break. But lately things are looking good. I have a glowing orb of lovely light in China that I'd like to take a closer look at...

Meet Lady Blue:

about the blog:

Here at the "Known as Blue" blog [formerly BlueShame] you'll find what's missing from the day to day - raw, fresh and real opinions, written by me, Lady Blue. Consistency is guaranteed.

I don’t care what you think, yet I love you. As a self described “compassionate snob”, I fancy myself a unique commentator on topics ranging from New York City, human behavior, news, ambition, pop culture, nightlife, dating, and fabulous women like who else? Myself.

I hope that "Known as Blue" can empower others to better and stay true to themselves; or at the very least, make them think and make them laugh. If you like my writing, feel free to share it with anyone of equally good taste!

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