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Friday, 1 August 2014

The single weirdest thing about Tom Kirbys email was that he mentioned that they recruit based on letters. After reading Tom Kirbys letter I wondered "If he thinks that is a great letter to put out, what the hell would you need to type to get the CEO role there?"

Well, I put my thinking hat on and here is my Application letter in a style Tom Kirby can understand.

I am J Vomkrieg and I think I would make a great CEO of
Games Workshop.

If your measure of 'great' is that a CEO should be
qualified for the role, you may not agree. But if your measure of greatness is
someone who will get stuck in, demonstrate passion and promote detailed
programmatic specificity, then I am truly greatness incarnate.

My plans for the business are manifold and varied, well
beyond the understanding of those who dwell on the internet taking pot shots at
the glorious cathedral of dreams that is Games Workshop.

I will continue the de-risking of our business by
removing all paid retail staff and replacing our “one man stores” with “no man
stores”. Stores will contain giant vending machines that gleefully dispense
product to our customer’s parents, with next to no overheads. The centrepiece of each
store will be a hologram of Matt Ward that answers every question with a variation
of “you should buy some Ultramarines, because Ultramarines are the best”.
Putting our creative genius front and centre speaks to the heart of what we
are. Am I right?

Ok, so he quit recently..... but no matter. I'm sure he signed a form that allows us to use his name and identity for ever..... and if not, lets make everyone sign those. (Who wants a Kirby doll? Our fans want one!)

To help supplement our store we will recruit a legion of
volunteers from our fanbase to mind the children, we can pay these volunteers
in product and a nice hat…. We could also give them a spiffy title like “battle
brother”. I have always admired the Dominion from Deep Space Nine (making a
note here to sue Star Trek about the Borg) and how they controlled their clone
soldiers with an addictive drug. Our product is so good we can command a legion
of fan slaves with it! This makes perfect business sense as it will grow our
community presence while further driving down unnecessary costs like wages.

I will continue with your mission of spending an indecent
amount of money on litigation. Spending indecent amounts of other people’s
money is a passion we share. (I feel like I have another brother in you) I have
already identified a few key targets that are ripe for the picking. Did you
know that Peter Jackson and New Line Cinemas have been making movies based on our
Hobbit Game IP? An affront to our creative skills and intellectual domain like
this cannot be stomached any longer.

We must fight for our game IP regardless
of the cost to our bottom line, our brands and our fans. Everyone must know who
is boss! (it’s us right?). Let steal some of our hogs back (Man, I want bacon…
does anyone else want bacon?)

You say we spend “far too much money spent on far too
little gain” on litigation. I believe this is wrong. Are we not a proud British
company? Yes, yes we are, and we should take a leaf out of the book of that
great British General Sir Douglas Haig and never give up, never surrender,
no matter the cost the Hun must be defeated! Like Haig, we will be heralded as
visionaries and leadership for our dogged determination (And I look quite
dapper in a Military uniform)(Wait, was that Haig, or Tim Allen?).

I too don’t really understand how 3D printing works and
what it means for the world, but I’m sure it’s not a big deal. I have an inkjet
printer at home and it sometimes blurs and blotches, so I can’t imagine 3D
printing will be very good. Certainly, nothing like the highest standards ever
obtained in miniature making, our flawless finecast range, perfect every time.
We still do finecast don’t we?

I suggest we ignore 3D printing and try to jump ahead to
4D printing. Being at the cutting edge of the next generation of printing will
position our business well for the future, regardless of profits and
expenditure now. The last thing we want is to miss the wave as it crests and be
smashed on the rocks of obsolescence while our crops wither and die, our dog
has a limp and our guinea pigs wheek hopelessly for a nice handful of lettuce.
Hungry guinea pigs do not feature in my vision of a successful business, no
sir!

The mantra of ‘we recruit for attitude and not for skill’ will remain a
cornerstone of my enterprise decision making. However, I pledge to take ignoring CV’s
to a whole new level. My hiring policy will be based solely by looking at a
picture of the potential candidates. I want a workforce that I can look at and
think “these people make miniatures!”, therefore size and styling of beards
will be the lynch-pin of my recruitment criteria.

I will also extend the attitude requirement to all our
supporting systems. No longer will we ask for detailed requirements from IT
suppliers or manufacturers. Anyone who has that GW “twinkle in the eye” (you
know the one!) will get a look in. I’ve already arranged for our finances to be
handled by this nice chap I met down at the pub last week.

This organisation needs me, it needs someone who can talk
to corporate (like a boss), approve memos (like a boss), lead a workshop (like
a boss), remember birthdays (like a boss), direct workflow (like a boss),
micromanage (like a boss), promote synergy (like a boss) and swallow sadness
(like a boss)

So welcome me onboard with open arms and I will lead you to the promised land. On the bright
side, we both know GW is too big to fail, so what’s the worst that could
happen? And if I don’t get this role I suspect my wife will be livid (she will blame you, and she's on medication, in fact she scares me sometimes, I think she's watching me now....... SEND HELP!).

Oh, and if appointed I will run Games Workshop from my
home office in New Zealand. Co-locating corporate leaders is at the heart of
the rot in the corporate world. Which reminds me, I will also ban shipping GW products to Australia until the Australian Government issues a formal apology for the underarm incident (Corporates can be used for social good, and this cause is a thing I hold dear).

And no Tom Kirby, you can’t stay on, there ain’t enough
room in the shop for both of us. Kirbys cronies will be Vomkriegs cronies, I love cronies. (and it rhymes with ponies).