Uncle Volodya says, “Is that a roll of kopecks in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

Yes, remember you heard it here:

The Russian Flag, as seen by all except Russophobes

Russians, presumably – but not necessarily – women (I mean, vaginal balls are not the kind of thing a guy buys for a first date, and I know if I brought them home for our anniversary, I’d be in a twelve-step program quicker than you could say, “Alcoholics Anonymous”) are unable, given one vagina and a couple of impermeable balls, to figure out how to use them! Even more incredibly, those who have not been laid in ages don’t know “why a dildo is needed”, and lubricant? Forget about it!

I can’t imagine why New York Times reporter-in-situ Michael Schwirtz wasn’t instantly forthcoming with priceless advice, considering his lifelong experience as a dildo. Perhaps his report should have been written by someone who has actually had sex with a Russian woman. Speaking from that standpoint, I can best describe it as a kind of naked rodeo (minus the spurs and the ten-second horn, thank you very much) in which one is mostly focused on staying on without breaking anything.

Well, let’s not be hasty. Lets look at the empirical evidence from which Mr. Schwirtz drew for his report. What? There isn’t any? You mean he just walked around at a convention for sex shop owners, listened to them bitch about how poor business is, and then wrote a story about it? You’re kidding me, right? Oh; you’re not.

One of the fascinating things about websites like La Russophobe is the dichotomy, the staggering leaps from one fevered extreme to the other. Consider; as recently as 2007 and 2008, Russia was a nation of prostitutes. Today, they’re “scared of sex”, and don’t know one end of a dildo from the other.

Let me propose an alternate theory for the flaccid market. Again drawing from the vast pool of knowledge at La Russophobe, we learn that Russians can’t even afford to feed themselves. Taken in the context of a 30% drop in global sales of sex toys as reported by the French, generally acknowledged as the global experts of weird stuff to stick inside yourself or others, not having that kind of money to throw around might have something to do with it. Let me see…not much left in the grocery budget…I need to buy potatoes: oh, the hell with it, I’m buying a big rubber dick.

Or perhaps there’s another explanation. It just depends on who you choose to listen to. Perhaps a lifestyle in which sexual promiscuity does not figure so prominently accounts for the perception in promiscuous nations that Russians don’t much care for sex. Most promiscuous nation as rated by the defining 2005 Bradley Report – the United Kingdom. There’s something to be proud of. I notice Russia was not mentioned at all, although it was presumably part of the study, since small nations like Croatia and Latvia were included. The United States was sixth.

Knowing your way around a set of vaginal balls appears to be an overrated talent.