Dating Advice #102 - Too Many Choices

When it rains, it pours. He's got 3 women lined up ready to get married. Which one should he choose?

I'm no Sean Connery (Jewish version, of course) and have as many faults as most, but I'm facing an "embarrassment of riches" that's got me off-balance and confused about how to proceed. I've met three women, any one of whom by any objective measure would make a superb long-term partner or wife.

All three dates started off without any indication of a long-term future. Lately, however, I see clear signals that each of these wonderful women is moving toward commitment. I have no problem moving in the same direction, but of course I can't "juggle" three different people all with burgeoning emotional attachments.

I'm not worried about who should be my "first choice." That decision hasn't been made yet, but I can deal with the question and arrive at a confident answer. My problem is I think time will tell who is my favorite... and meanwhile I'm playing with their emotions and, in a sense, misleading them. I feel guilty, ill at ease, duplicitous, and cheap.

Thanks for listening. I look forward to your sage advice.

Wayne

Dear Wayne,

Your predicament is precisely the reason why we recommend not dating more than one person at the same time. Since you've already described all of the difficulties that multiple-dating creates, we don't have to list them for you. But we do have one observation that might not have occurred to you: It may not matter which of the women you ultimately choose. It sounds to us as if you could have a happy marriage with any of them.

We've always believed that most people are capable of building and maintaining a satisfying and enduring marriage with any one of several different people. Each possibility requires the basic ingredients (common values and goals, physical attraction, admiration, respect, affection and emotional intimacy), but from that point onward the couple needs to use their personal efforts and skills to enhance their bond.

If each potential couple were to use their efforts and skills, and make the success of their marriage a priority, it would be hard to characterize any one courtship as being "better than the other." Each will have different good points, and each will be mutually satisfying in its own way. We like to point this out to "serial daters" who can never make a choice because they always think someone better is around the corner.

We also like to point this out to people who keep rejecting excellent (but less-than-perfect) suitors, on the grounds that "they are not my soul mate." While Jewish tradition does speak about a soul mate, we can never know for sure that we've found our "beshert." And that's why picking a spouse comes down to using your good sense and intuition to pick the one who is best for you.

Some courtships might be "smoother" with less challenges, and others will have more friction. (We like to call it "creative tension.") But neither arrangement is inherently better than the other. Sure, the smoother courtship is easier, and of course you don't want to get into any situation that is too emotionally taxing or unhealthy. But... the personal growth -- and growth together as a couple -- can be much greater and ultimately more rewarding when there are certain challenges to overcome.

This is the reason that many widowed veterans of long-term, happy marriages have successful second marriages. They understand that the second time around will be different than the first, but will be a mutually-rewarding experience just the same.

It sounds as though you are optimistic about what the future might be like with any of these three women. You also seem to realize that intensifying three separate courtships will be extremely complicated, as well as unfair to each of the women. It's possible that by juggling three at once, you'll actually find it harder to choose between them because you won't be able to devote enough emotional energy into developing any one of the courtships.

It's also possible that 3-timing these women may end up backfiring. If they find out about each other, you could end up with three failures and a bad name in the dating world.

So why have you continued to see all three of them? Probably because you enjoy all the attention! But now it's time to just "deal with the question and arrive at a confident answer." We're sure you'll make the right choice. Good luck.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 2

(2)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2002 12:00 AM

from crocodile tears to a crocodile smile.

The word integrity applied to many territories of life such as business, moral, social, our self and also to friendship. Majority of peoples have the basic people’s skill to know if you want “All three relationships started off just "friendships," without any suggestion there would be a long-term future.” if you have indicated “just friends” I am sure they are able to respect your wishes, as friends usually do.

You are the only one who is responsible to where are you going. And in my view “I feel guilty” with “I'm not worried about who should be my "first choice."” Make your crocodile tears to a crocodile smile.

I am sorry Sherry and Rosie but a spade is spade, and for my bad English too.

(1)
,
July 7, 2002 12:00 AM

about time

The truth is that I think it is great that you are reaching out for help and not just following along. You notably did not try to get yourself in to this situation, but now that it has happened, it seems like it might be time to be straight with them. Of course after deciding who to continue with, to explain to the other women that you are NOT rejecting them, but that you have come to realize that you feel attatched to someone else, and don't want to lead them on. I think that in the long term you (plural) will all appreciate your honesty. Good luck!

Submit Your Comment:

Name:*

Display my name?

YesNo

Email:*

Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

I have had a very difficult life, beset by illness, unemployment, and disappointment from those who had pledged to care for me. I am having trouble seeing the benevolent God in all this. What do you say, rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult times that you have had to endure. The trials that you have gone through no doubt have obviously made your relationship to God a difficult one. I can understand why.

As a rabbi, I have witnessed the most horrendous situations imaginable. I have experienced a 20-year-old who lost both of her parents in a car crash. Can you imagine a girl so close to her parents and in one day they're gone? I've lived through a husband coming home to find that his wife has collapsed, and in two days she's dead. There was nothing wrong with her before. And on and on and on.

When someone is in the midst of suffering, that's not the time to offer answers. It's a time to listen and empathize and be with the person as best you can. If there's anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.

Dealing with pain and suffering is never easy, particularly since we often feel so helpless and out of control. But one thing we do have control over and that is our attitude. Try to stick to this 3-part formula:

1) Look for the positive side to things.

2) Try not to judge God, Who knows more than we do.

3) Ask God for the clarity to understand how this is for the best.

Our perceptions of good and evil are directly related to our understanding of the world. An African tribesman who never saw a hypodermic syringe in his life could think upon seeing a doctor inoculate a child that the doctor was actually trying to hurt the child! Our perceptions change with information.

Therefore the Jewish approach to "suffering" is that everything happens for the good, but since we are finite and cannot see the whole picture, we perceive some things as bad.

God has more information than we do; thus we cannot judge Him and say He is doing something bad. We trust God and say, "I haven't yet figured out why, but God knows this is for the best."

The Talmud tells the story of Rebbe Akiva who was traveling on the road late one night. His only source of light, a candle, blew out; his mode of transportation, a donkey, ran away; and his only source of food, a chicken, died. The next morning Rebbe Akiva realized that armed bandits had plundered everything in the area. Had they seen his candle, or heard his chicken or donkey, they would have victimized him as well.

We can accept pain and suffering in the world by trying to see what positive side it may have. For example, a woman whose child was killed by a drunk driver went out and started MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This organization was responsible for revolutionizing the laws against drunk driving in America, and as a result has surely saved thousands of lives. It could be said that the purpose of this child was to elevate his mother to the towering heights of greatness that she indeed achieved as a result of the tragedy.

Of course it is not always easy to find the positive side. But even the attempt helps tremendously. It is interesting that if we look back on our own lives, the times we have grown the most are not when things have gone easy, but when they've been difficult. So many times what appears as "bad" or "negative" ends up being a blessing. A person could lose their job, for example, only to realize later that was the opportunity they needed to break into a growing, new field!

In the meanwhile, we have invested so much time and energy into worrying or regretting - all for nothing and all to our detriment. It is wise to remember that worry is defined as "interest paid in advance on a debt which often times never comes due." So when we are having problems, we can ask ourselves, "What have I learned or gained?"

Also, there are two excellent books I can recommend: "Why me, God?" by Lisa Aiken (published by Aaronson), and "Confronting the Loss of a Baby," by Yamin Levy (Ktav).

In 1973, a cease-fire resolution was passed by the U.N. Security Council to halt the Yom Kippur War. Shuttle diplomacy by Henry Kissinger compelled Israel and Egypt to accept the cease-fire. Fighting, however, would continue for another four days. In the war, Israel suffered the loss of 2,600 soldiers and 800 tanks. Four years later, Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat would visit Jerusalem and announce his readiness to forge a permanent peace deal.

I told a group of people to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" five minutes each day for a month. Some of the results were:

* "At first I found it difficult to keep this up. This gave me a jolt. The Creator is giving me life each moment of each day and He gives me the air I breathe. Why is it so hard for me to express my gratitude? This self-rebuke gave me a strong feeling of motivation. I was committed to use the power of repeating messages to myself to build up this gratitude.

* "I realized that I would only be able to repeat this for five minutes at a time if I would sing it with a tune. So I would sing this five minutes each day. It became my favorite song.

* "The first day when I heard this, I found myself having to wait for something to start. I began to feel frustrated. Then I said to myself, ‘This is a perfect time to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" for five minutes.' It totally transformed the waiting into an uplifting experience. Throughout the month, I chose potentially frustrating moments to practice this. After a while, the stirrings of feelings of frustration became a trigger to begin my exercise."

* "Someone saw me smiling while I was waiting in line at my local supermarket. He asked me if anything special is going on in my life. "There are a lot of special things that I'm beginning to become more aware of," I replied.

* "By repeating, ‘I am grateful to my Creator,' I began to realize that everyone who is kind to me in any way was sent to me by my Creator. I increased my gratitude towards those people and I increased my gratitude to the Creator of it all."

May He Who knows what is hidden accept our call for help and listen to our cry (Siddur).

The Talmud states that a person may be coerced to perform a mitzvah even if it is required that the mitzvah be done of one's own volition (Rosh Hashanah 6a).

But are not coercion and volition mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, explains Rambam. Inasmuch as the soul of the Jew intrinsically wishes to do the Divine will, and it is only the physical self - which is subject to temptation - that may be resistive, the coercion inflicted upon the person overcomes that external resistance. Thus, when one performs the mitzvah, it is with the full volition of the inner self, the true self, for at his core, every Jew wishes to comply with the mandates of the Torah.

There is a hidden part of us, to which we may have limited access, yet we know it is there. When we pray for our needs, said Rabbi Uri of Strelisk, we generally ask only for that which we feel ourselves to be lacking. However, we must also recognize that our soul has spiritual needs, and that we may not be aware of its cravings.

We therefore pray, said Rabbi Uri, that God should listen not only to the requests that we verbalize, but also to our hidden needs that are very important to us - but which He knows much better than we.

Today I shall...

try to realize that there is a part of me of which I am only vaguely aware. I must try to get to know that part of myself, because it is my very essence.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...