Tuesday, December 6, 2011

dear santa.

I cannot remember the last letter I wrote to Santa. I would guess it was sometime around the year of our Lord, 1986. At my office, we get pretty in to the Christmas spirit-- a decorating contest, a party—you know. All of that. Yesterday, we were encouraged to write Santa a letter.

This is what I came up with...

Dear Santa,

Hi.

I don’t really know how to start a letter to you, because I
don’t believe in you and I never really have, though in my youth my parents
tried to blame some of their mediocre gifts they gave me on you. I knew they
weren’t from you because even though I didn’t think you existed I had always
heard great things about you. Great things—not, “Yeah, I asked for this, but
instead Santa decided to get the cheaper, off-brand version of it in a
different color.” No, it was always, “Santa brought me exactly what I wanted!”
So, I figured my parents out pretty quickly.

Anyway. In an effort to no longer ruin anyone under the age
of 7’s Christmas again, I’ve been encouraged to write you a letter. It feels
like community service, so I’m not sure my heart will be in it, but a letter’s
a letter, right? I feel like in this day and age an e-mail would be more
efficient. Have you thought about streamlining and efficiency much, Santa? I guess we can discuss that later when you
aren’t so busy or something.

I digress.

I consider myself to very much be an adult and that being
said, I typically buy myself things I want or need. I don’t ask others for
gifts. So, it’s kind of like why am I
even writing you this letter? I
don’t know, Santa. I just don’t know.

I guess I wouldn’t be mad if you brought me a new set of
tires for Christmas. That is legitimately the only thing I can think of that I
don’t want to buy myself, but I probably should. If you want to bring me some
stocking stuffers, please don’t bring me bubble gum or cheap Christmas candy. I
prefer Claritin— you can buy it OTC.

Alright, guy, I’m out.

Does anyone ever wish you a ‘Happy 4th of July’
or anything? Or is it all ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time? That’d get pretty
old.

I have a feeling you suffer from diabetes, high-cholesterol,
rosacea, and/or obesity. If you need a good doctor, I know about 6,000. Also,
how many mothers have you kissed? Oh man, so many questions… so many questions.