Apple Fans

iThink You're Insane: A Letter To Apple Fanatics

In case you were wondering what that high-pitched cackling sound you’ve been hearing all week is, let me explain. No, it’s not a gaggle of virgins gathering together to look at their first Penthouse. Being that today is the in-store release date for Apple’s latest innovation, the iPad mini, that noise you hear is the sound of nerds the world over collectively rejoicing.

Okay, fine, maybe “nerds” wasn’t necessary. I’ll admit it. I love my Apple products. I genuinely do. In fact, not only did I write this article on my MacBook Pro, but I also wrote my notes for it on my iPhone. However, when I saw how people were chomping at the bit to get their hands on Apple's latest device, I was faced with an overwhelming need to write this column.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, wait, wait. Now I can check Facebook and Twitter on something that’s just a little smaller than my current iPad and just a little bigger than my current iPhone? Well, I’ll be damned! Where the f*ck is my checkbook?”

iHopeNot.

Is this new iPad a cool product? Sure. But would I sleep outside for even one hour to obtain one? Hell to the no! Wanna know why?

iSmarterThanThem.

Seriously, who cares? You’re telling me that people are so excited about this product, the new iPad — which I’ve always maintained sounds like a robot’s tampon — that they’re willing to line up in the cold? Are you high!? Why? So you can go on Tumblr and look at hilarious pictures of cats on a screen of a new dimension? I’m dumbfounded by this. I really am.

And when have you ever heard anyone say: “Oh, man, this iPad is really weighing my bag down. If only there were a slightly smaller one available!”

What is it about Mac products that turns your average, everyday person into a crackhead? Apple has a press conference, and all of a sudden Joe from IT is acting like Pookie from New Jack City. If you ask me, every Apple Store needs the technological equivalent of a methadone clinic next to it.