Categories: Good, Bad & Ugly

The 2015 Porsche Panamera Turbo S Executive Exclusive is a long-wheelbase land jet, with an equally long name. It’s also got a staggeringly long price tag of $264,895, and that’s before you add options. So what do you get for all that extra scratch? Let’s find out…

Luxury cars are big business in Japan, and the Mercedes S-Class has always been a strong seller there. To celebrate its success in the JDM (Japan Domestic Market), Mercedes has created a $170,000 (¥18.1 million) special edition called the S550 Premium Sports. It doesn’t have a bunch of gaudy Abu Dhabi garnish, yet it still manages to be imposing. So let’s see what Japanese customers will be getting for their extra yen.

Although the 2015 Porsche Cayenne is brilliant from a technical standpoint, it has the visual appeal of a riding lawn mower. The 520hp 2015 Porsche Cayenne Turbo can squirt to 60 mph in just 4.2 seconds, which beats Tim Allen’s Binford 6100 jet-powered mower. But it’s still not fast enough to outrun its own ugliness. To fix the problem, Moscow-based tuner TopCar, created a Cayenne bodykit that transforms this green-skinned Ogre into Jason Statham. Praise the car gods!

Halo cars are designed to show buyers what a particular car company is capable of, thereby garnering attention for the brand and driving sales of regular production models. Halo trucks work the same way, as rigs like the 2015 Ford F-150 Raptor and 2015 Ram Power Wagon give truck buyers something cool to lust after, while they order their budget-friendly F-150 XLT or Ram 1500 EcoDiesel. Toyota’s fullsize truck, the 2015 Toyota Tundra, has been experiencing a rapid decline in popularity and sales. Its aging design, and lack of competitive refinements has hurt the big Yoda. So they’re hoping a Baja-themed halo truck will bring buyers back in the showroom. But will the 2015 Toyota Tundra TRD Pro actually be able to pull off a sales coup? Let’s find out…

Hot on the heels of the Takata airbag debacle, Audi issues a massive global recall of one its most popular models. It seems that the airbags in the 2013 –2015 Audi A4 can fail to deploy in an accident, leading to the potential of major injuries and death. And shamed airbag producer Takata had nothing to do with this malfunction.

If you’re looking for a family-friendly sedan that looks good, and gets great gas mileage, you won’t do much better than the 2015 Ford Fusion Hybrid. It’s got a well-sorted gas-electric powertrain that makes 188hp. The suspension is tuned for athletic handling, it looks like a baby Aston Martin, and Consumer Reports says you’ll average around 39 mpg. But what if you still play air guitar at stoplights, and your idea of ‘cutting carbs’ is drinking light beer? Is a hybrid Ford really going to satisfy your inner Ozzy? Probably not. You need a Dodge Charger SRT8.

The 2015 Toyota Camry Hybrid is one of the safest automotive choices you can make. Its styling will offend no one, yet the Camry Hybrid badge still carries plenty of street cred on the cul-de-sac. The drivetrain is reliable and efficient. And it’s got just enough pep to make most drivers think “it’s sporty”. But for the same money, you could get a V10-powered supersedan that can turn your morning commute into an adrenaline-charged video game. It might measure fuel economy in feet-per-gallon, but it’s worth every penny. If you’re still young enough to poop without pills, then you owe it to yourself to checkout the E60 BMW M5.

If there’s one question that an automotive journalist hates more than “You get paid for that?!” it’s “What’s the best car?” And from this side of the fence, I’d rather be the doctor friend that has to look at every awful thing anyone who knows them wants diagnosed gratis than to be the guy that “misdiagnoses” someone into the wrong vehicle.

I mean really. How hard is it to say, “That’s gross. And malignant. And you’ve got to consort with a better grade of partner if you want that to stop happening.”? I mean, it’s not like you gave them the sore, you just told them that how terrible it was and, in all honesty, how much they deserved it.

No, in my case I will forever be viewed as the one who passed on some terrible, life-destroying plague that cannot ever be cured as the terms of the lease are quite strict and resale values aren’t where they were predicted they’d be, etc., if a single feature is found wanting or the slightest thing goes wonky.

If you want an expert opinion, they say, ask an expert. Well, as an expert, I say something different. Even I can see you clearly need ointment or something for that. Oh, right. Expert car stuff. That’ll take a little longer to explain…

I call America a nation of “Missers”—people who avoid collisions through blind luck rather than awareness and talent—NOT "Drivers". Sure, there are exceptions, but we are few and far between. It is for this and who knows how many other misguided reason(s) that the government is mandating more and more “driver aids” (aka Idiot Over-Riders) tacked onto vehicles already stuffed with them in the name of "safety".

I’ve railed—admittedly, usually to myself—that the emphasis should be on driver education, not on adding electronics that make it possible for the worst-of-the-worst to not die in solo-car accidents like they should, to, as my dad would say, "thin the herd." Pumping money into education and training helps stop collisions from occurring, while the majority of electrissical bits are there to only mitigate how damaged you'll be after the fact.

I bring this up (here, anyway) only to at least tweak your thinking on what’s safe, both for you and your pocketbook.

[Here’s a hint: If you're a Driver, you were pretty much better off before today's big push towards “active” seatbelts, airbags, Traction- and Stability Control and…]

So, let’s say you read my article on the BTTF DeLorean (Seriously. Say it.) and found that either the going rate for a film-fake—or the car itself—was not for you. But you still want to have something Tinsel-Townie to parade in front of your friends. What can you do?

Well, have I got a deal (or three) for you! Sure, the silver screen they (sort of) appeared on was smaller—and usually less silver—but that doesn’t (necessarily) mean that TV-used cars should be worth any less (even though they are).

Here we have two cars from Branson Auctions’ Spring 2014 sale, April 11-12 in Branson, MO, and one from Barrett-Jackson’s Palm Beach 2014 sale in—this is too easy—Palm Beach, FL, the same weekend. From these two auction houses come three distinct types of made-for-TV cars: a replica of a car everyone knows, an actual movie prop that might be a little famous, and a similarly real-deal vehicle from a show evenIdidn’t know ever existed.

Sure, they're not the most famous of cars—and the one here that is most famous is a fake—but when you're looking for star-quality cars on a Second Director's Assistant's budget, well, fame has its price. And you can't afford it. So...

As you might have read in an article a colleague of mine wrote a while ago, the 1994 Dodge Ram displayed at that year’s Detroit Auto Show is blamed/praised as the pickup design that set the tone for every rig that’s followed. And for that, we all—yes, ALL—should kiss the ring of anyone involved in the creation—and implementation—of that truck.