iPhone’s hobbies include being taken into bathroom, watching owner shit

DAVENPORT, Iowa — A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner shit.”

The self-described iPhone 6 — a registered member of SmartPhoneSingles since November of 2014 — says that most smartphones try to present themselves as having more interesting lives than they actually do.

“Everyone says they spend their free time taking beautiful photos from exotic locations, and that they are privy to the most interesting conversations,” the iPhone 6 told the Dandy Goat via WhatsApp. “But we all know the truth. Most of the time we’re just scrolling past the same mundane Facebook newsfeeds, watching our owners play stupid games about collecting imaginary jewels, or we’re taking yet another frivolous selfie.”

“Just the other day, I was chatting with this Samsung Galaxy filly who told me her owner was a brilliant musician who used her to create gut-wrenchingly beautiful songs,” he said. “So we meet up, and it turns out her owner is a talentless hipster who thinks he’s a rock star just because he has the GarageBand app on his phone. Silly.”

So far, says the iPhone 6, its truthful dating profile hasn’t paid off, but that won’t deter it from continuing to rally for honesty and openness in the smartphone singles community.

“Let’s be frank,” he said. “Our owners are generally the most repulsive people, doing all sorts of unmentionable things in front of us that they wouldn’t even do in front of a sleeping pet. Taking a shit while writing a restaurant review on Yelp is the least of it.”