54 Things to do before the nuclear holocaust

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to wonder if this Donald Trump character is as cool and sophisticated as he’d have us all think he is. The gorgeous hair, the complicated wordplay, might it all be too good to be true?

Anyway, with nuclear war now clearly on the horizon, I thought someone (ie. Me) should put together a universal bucket list, for anyone still keen to get the most out of their lives. Tick these off as you go, and when we’re all done suffocating beneath an almighty blaze of biblical proportions – the likes of which could never be fathomed – you can be happy in the knowledge that at least you know you did everything you could to have a full and fruitful existence.

Do something that scares you every day, like locking yourself in a cupboard

Do something that scares other people every day, like also locking them in a cupboard

Shout NERD ALERT every time the boss walks in

Talk to a workman using your normal voice

Finally hire a digger and dig up that time capsule

Finally hire a digger and dig up that ancient burial ground

Make an album called Songs in the Key of Go Fuck Yourself

Make an album called Definitely Maybe, or Not, Not Sure, I Don’t Know

Interrupt a meeting with “I’m sorry I’m going to have to take this, it’s a text from Pizza Hut”

Stand in front of an oil painting tutting

Pose for every photo, regardless of the occasion, like you’re hurtling down a water slide

Impress a date by returning from the toilet without any clothes on

Start all of your emails with “Dear (Insert Name)” to undermine the recipient’s confidence and then assert your power upon them

Wear some jeans that are so tight it looks like you’ve got a dick made of denim

Same if you’re a girl, but replace the word dick with vagina or pussy or whatever

Attempt to pluralise the word “manchild” in a meeting

Make a whole jumper from scratch

Or just buy one

Use the aubergine and splashing water emoji in a text, then get home and ask why no one’s washed your aubergines

Order a flat white for a toddler

Shout at a waiter

Take a load of cocaine and jump out of a plane

Smoke at your desk

Queue for three hours to get into the hottest new restaurant in town

Finally get your entire neck and arse tattooed

Weep in the arms of a very old woman

Apologise to anyone you may have hurt, OR don’t do that and go on a rollercoaster

Accept that it isn’t about race, gender or sexuality, what matters is that we’re all thetans

Learn to play a Sting song on bongos

Dance like everyone is watching

Snog a stranger on a crowded bus on the way to work

Have a long discussion about Citizen Kane, then, half an hour in, realise you thought they meant Citizen Khan, then attempt to style it out

Drink an entire bottle of whiskey in your underwear on a rooftop

Make every meal a breakfast buffet

Do a steeplechase wearing old flares

Do a marathon on a treadmill

Go down a hill on a micro scooter

Stand up during a play and shout THIS IS SO BRILLIANT

Spin around in a chair stroking an animal

Get your whole face plastic surgeried to make you look more beautiful

Read all of those books you wish you’d read, like Harry Potter and the Naughty Wizards of Balthazar (so so good)

Rub a handful of butter on your baps

Walk around the office playing saxophone

Arrive home with lipstick around your nipples and an orange in your mouth, and explain that you had to work late

Talk about your feelings through an entire episode of The Great British Bake Off

Forget airs and graces and just poo your pants at a dinner party

Greet other people’s parents by bowing

Have an affair with yourself in a Travel Lodge

Turn up for work with a nose ring, then ask why no one else is wearing their nose rings

Get a cab to a demonstration

Aggressively ask someone what bit of schadenfreude they don’t understand

Whenever anyone tells you they’re pregnant, ask if they know who the father is

Do a big wee out of an open window

Find God. Then find Muhammad, then find Buddha. Then sit them down and be all like “what’s up guys? Now talk”

Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.