John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Stuck on a Painful Image (Published 11/20/2010)

Q:

“T”, a Tributes.com visitor from Georgia asks:

My father died in July, 2010. I have been having the same nightmare of me walking in the room and seeing him laying on that bed, cold and stiff, every night since he died. My dad died of cancer and he practically starved himself to death. Because of that, I can’t eat and I have lost 26 pounds. How can I get myself through this hurt and feelings of guilt.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear T,

Thanks for your note and question…and of course, our hearts go out to you.

The issue of a recurring, painful last image or images of someone important to us who has died, is sadly common for many grieving people. Whether the image pops up during sleep, in dreams or nightmares; or awake, as the result of any number of reminders of the person who died, they can be tremendously upsetting.

In addition to the pain they cause, those images often make us afraid to think about and remember the person we loved, because it seems as if the only thing we can think of is that last terrible image. Another aspect of the image problem, is that for many people, the only image they are remembering is that last horrible one at the end of their person’s life, and the thousands of other images we have from a lifetime with that person seem to go out of focus or even disappear.

As you probably already know, any attempt to try “not to think about it,” doesn’t work. The fact is some of those last images are really powerful and in a manner of speaking, it seems as if they are burned into your brain.

Over the years, to help people whose lives were dominated and limited by those kinds of images, we developed a way to help them have the painful images recede into the background, and take their place within the entire relationship with the person who died, and not be the only images they remember. On pages 157 and 158 of The Grief Recovery Handbook is a heading titled, “Stuck On a Painful Image.” We have reprinted it for you below so you can get immediate benefit from the guidance it contains. In the meantime, we also suggest you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook and read it and take the all actions it suggests.

One of the most painful of all experiences is to have a loved one die violently. You may have seen the accident or the aftermath. You may have seen photos of the scene. Or you may only have the pictures your imagination has conjured up. In any event, for many people, the imagery seems constant, as if it will never cease. Some of you may have equally disturbing images of your loved one's final hours, days, or weeks as they struggled through a terminal illness.The devastating nature of some diseases often alters appearance so much, that you hardly recognize someone you have known your entire life.

Most people, in trying to help a friend, will tell them not to think about it. That is very nearly impossible. We think it is more helpful to acknowledge that the images and pictures are indeed horrible and painful. We also believe that the griever needs to be gently reminded that they have many thousands of other images as well.

We do not all get to go "gently into that good night," as poetry would have it. A woman tells us of her husband's final night at the hospital, with vivid details. Our response is, "What a horrible final picture that is for you." Then we ask, "Do you remember the first time you saw the man who became your husband?" She says yes, and we say, "Tell us what he looked like that day." And she does.

We all have tens of thousands of images of our loved ones. Some of the images are wonderful and happy. Some are negative and sad. And sometimes the final ones are very painful, as when violence or disease have altered how someone looked.It is unrealistic to tell someone not to remember what they saw or imagined. By acknowledging the discomfort of the final, unpleasant pictures, we allow the remembering of all the other pictures. Each time the ending pictures crop up, they must be acknowledged.

Acknowledging the painful pictures and remembering others does not deny or minimize the painful ones. When grievers are allowed and encouraged to state what they are experiencing, the painful pictures subside more quickly. This leaves more room for the review of the entire relationship, not just the ending.