Michea B | Author | Photographer | Artist | Activist

On The Topic of Trans Dating

So there’s been a lot of talk about dating trans people lately, and I wanted to give my two cents on the topic.

While I can’t specifically speak for others (such as Zinnia or Riley) outside of conversations I’ve had to get clarification on their statements, I can at least clarify my statements about the whole, “I refuse to date a trans person” statement said by pretty much anyone.

There are several problems with it, not the least of which has to do with the perception that trans women or trans men are not who they say they are. Due to how society pushes the narrative that trans people are just “faking it” and how trans women are “traps” who trick men, we’ve already got enough problems as it is. It’s one of the reasons why trans women (especially trans women of color) are dealing with such high murder rates. It’s one of the big reasons why the trans panic defense is still legal in 48 states.

As a society, the narrative is pushed that trans people are fake, and that because they can’t change their chromosomes, they can’t change anything else about their biological sex. The problem is that science has pointed out that biological sex is way more complex than chromosomes, and that outside of chromosomes, we can pretty much change everything else through hormones, surgery, and other things (such as electrolysis). We can change hormone levels, we can change sexual organs (external and internal), we can change secondary sex characteristics, we just can’t change chromosomes right now.

Even when viewed as “biological sex”, no one is 100% male or 100% female. It’s been pointed out several times by anthropologists and osteologists (most recently in response to Laci Green’s response to the whole Teen Vogue article about anal sex).

Another big problem is that this makes a blanket statement about people. To say a one would never date a trans person includes people pre-transition, post-transition, and in between.

If for example, a cis gendered heterosexual man says he would never date a trans woman, then the question is how would he know a woman is trans or not? Several trans women pass when post transition, and often are nearly indistinguishable from cis women. Even the “tells” that people say allow you to check are often bullshit.

Without clarification on WHY this person would never date a trans person, one could assume a few things:

They have had a bad experience dating a trans person in the past.

They are under the assumption that trans women are nothing more than men in drag (sadly the most common example I’ve dealt with so far)

They are under the assumption that trans women are traps, and that they are an attack on their masculinity (sadly again, far too common and one of the major reasons behind the trans panic defense and the murders of trans women)

They want to have kids only through them having sex and their partner birthing it.

Outside of reason #1, the rest are really easy to debunk, and have been multiple times. Even with reason #1, that is basically putting a bad experience on everyone else.

If one wants to have kids, there is the option for adoption (we have over 400k kids in the system right now needing homes), there is fostering, and there is surrogacy to name a few options. So that reason doesn’t really hold water unless the person literally checks every partner to see how fertile they are right off the bat. I don’t know about you, but that would be a date ender right there. “I need to make sure you’re fertile before we continue this relationship. Can you bear children?”

As for the other two reasons listed, those again have to do with societal conditioning and the views that trans women are either fake, or intentionally attacking cis men’s masculinity by tricking them into falling for them and then going, “AHA! I HAVE A PENIS!”

We see it in movies all the time, and we see it in books, magazines, comics, TV shows, you name it. This reinforces it and adds to the narrative against trans women.

Am I saying all cis heterosexual men need to date trans people before they know if they like it or not?
NOPE.

Am I saying that genital preferences are bad and people should be ashamed for them?
NOPE.

What I am saying is that using blanket statements that can easily be debunked as to the reasoning behind the “I refuse to date a trans person” borders on what we would define as transphobia. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a position of ignorance due to what we as a society have been taught over the years and what we have been led to believe.

The problem is that even in the face of information, data, and facts (yes I’m being redundant on purpose) if a person chooses to remain willfully ignorant and continue to spread a false and debunked rhetoric about trans people, it only makes the problem worse.

It’s the spreading of the “chix with dicks” or “traps” that has led to the murders of trans women, and the view that trans women are an attack on men’s masculinity.

It’s what adds to the view that trans men need to be “fucked into submission” to get them to “stop being trans” (things I have been told on far too many occasions).

It’s basically willful ignorance based on the refusal to look at the information present and go, “Hey, why IS it that I think this way?”

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Published by Michea B

I am a trans man who hails from southern Oregon. I work as a freelance writer and photographer, as well as work as a volunteer activist. I create whimsical clay creations and make YouTube videos on social issues.
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2 thoughts on “On The Topic of Trans Dating”

Fertility may not be discussed on a first date, but it’s definitely something people break up about once they find out. I’ve seen marriages end over one partner having fertility issues. A trans woman right off the bat cannot bear children and that’s a perfectly valid excuse to not date someone.

But again, as I pointed out in my article, unless you’re literally going up to everyone and checking their fertility and doing it regardless of if they are cis, trans, or non-binary, it is just an excuse.

The point of the article is that not wanting to date a specific someone isn’t transphobic or exclusionary, but saying you don’t want to date any person who is trans is. Sitting there going, “but it’s a valid excuse” shows me you didn’t pay attention to what I was saying and instead focused on something else.