I recently relocated a couple hours away for a job... I'm the first member of my immediate family (sisters, parents, etc.) to do so. It's been a bit tough, but it's also only about a 100 miles and I still see everyone a couple times a month.

However, you'd think I moved to another planet the way my (divorced and remarried) parents are fighting each other for gets to have me stay when I come home.

My dad is the worst offender, throwing screaming temper tantrums that I won't stay at his house... which I totally don't get since he didn't ever want to call or visit when I lived in town, much less now... I know from past experience, it's not so much that he wants me to visit with him, he just doesn't want me to visit with my mom.

I try really hard to visit with everyone equally, but the fights have gotten so bad that I've resorted to staying in a hotel when I come back to visit.

Got suggestions on ways I can tell everyone to back off without hurting feelings?

4Comments

You know the ironic thing is that I see EVERYONE now probably 2 to 3 times more than I did before I moved. I worked so much at my old job, I didn't ever get time to visit, but now that I do have time, everyone has kind of gone to extremes... You'd think after 2 decades, these petty divorce issues would be over, wouldn't you?

I know the feeling. My relatives never fought but each would make it clear they wanted me for the holidays. I've spent many a boring holiday with older relatives to keep them happy. It's not easy hurting the ones you love so in the past I made the sacrifice. Lucky for me time was on my side and now my older relative is too old to handle entertaining. She now spends the holidays with me at our younger relative's home. I can't give you advice because it's no easy task hurting the ones you love. Good luck.

Sorry to hear that jctngirl.... I would send them both a letter explaining how their behavior is making you feel. If it was me, I would tell them that I will stop visiting all together if they don't get a grip on their behavior. I don't blame you for staying in a hotel when you visit home..... saves the peace. After you have sent the letter, if things don't change, then just take a break from visiting for a while. They will get the picture that you mean business and that this is really hurting you and your relationship with them. It is a shame when grown adults act like children.

Communication is one of things that really needs to be full circle here. I am not sure if you have tried this with both of them, but you may want to sit them down. It may be separate times you need to do this, but communicating how this is making you feel is very important. If you want a relationship with both of them, talk with them. For you, write your feeling down; getting them very clear with yourself so you can communicate them clearly to them. Hopefully that your help. Good Luck, it is very hard.