Paralympic lions plan to catch benefit cheats

Sources at the Department for Work and Pensions have confirmed rumoured plans to release wild lions into Paralympic venues to catch out benefit cheats.

The plan, inspired by last week’s alarming lion sightings in Essex, aims to create a frenzied panic among disabled competitors and spectators. The government expects fraudulent claimants to join the terrifying rush for the exits where contractors will be waiting to offer them compulsory work experience. ‘Not only will it save money, it should be highly entertaining’ explained Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan-Smith. ‘We could have lions in the Olympic Stadium, sharks in the Aquatics Centre and, um, bears on rollerskates in the Velodrome.’

Those unable to escape the rampage will have any outstanding benefit claims fast tracked and validated for a period of 18 months, should they survive the experience.

The move is expected to save taxpayers thousands of pounds per year, once deductions have been made for lion hire, compensation claims and cleaning operations.