So the hatemail dubbed me THE.... Sodomite Hal Duncan!! (sic) So I will wear that with pride, cuntfuckers. It's like The Outlaw Josie Wales only better, right? I mean, did he have a fully capitalised THE, an extra-long dramatic pause, and two exclamation marks? No, he did not. Chickenshit.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Dildos and Dogs

There's some big liberties being taken with the source here. In the original, it's General Buggeranthus who recounts the second-hand confession of a random woman he's encountered who once tried it on with a horse. I figured it would work better attached to an actual character; also, in the world of musicals a female triplet like this pretty much demands a number in which they giggle girlishly... or a parody thereof.

*

"The Dildos and Dogs"

[Enter VAGINA, LABIA and CLITORIX.]

VAGINAO, we've gone to the dildos and dogsCause the dildos and dogs never fail.

LABIAO, we've gone to the dildos and dogsI saw Clitorix frig with a doberman's tail.

CLITORIXBut I did it with no small remorse,For the dildos and dogs fill a crackBut I once had a fling with a horse.And once you've gone pony there's no going back.

He was standing sadly with his cart;Such a miserable yoke he woreHis sorrowful eyes near broke my heart;And his back was all covered in sores.I pitied his pain,I scratched his maneBut one of us wanted more.

VAGINA/LABIAO, we've gone to the dildos and dogsCause the dildos and dogs never cheat.O, we've gone to the dildos and dogsBut a horse would, of course, be a sumptuous treat.

CLITORIXWith a start his tarse began to stand,Such a pintle beyond compare.I fondled it gently in my hand,Decided to play his mare.I turned myself roundAnd guided it down.I figured I'd room to spare.

VAGINA/LABIAO, we've gone to the dildos and dogsCause the dildos and dogs never lie.But there's more than the dildos and dogs

CLITORIXThough a horse can, of course, be a little bit shy.

He was bashful with a girl like meFor his faithfulness was suchHe was loyal to a fault, you see;He'd have only his mistress's touch.I had to depart,With a broken heartFor he kept pulling out of my clutch

ALLO, we've gone to the dildos and dogsCause the dildos and dogs aren't cruel.O, we've gone to the dildos and dogsCause intelligent creatures are ever the fool.

So we frig and fiddle with what we find,With anything we can stand.We hey diddle diddle with what we findAs we wander this woeful land.Our hungry cuntsAre on the huntFor whatever comes next to hand.A dildo, a dog,Or even a frog,Whatever comes next to hand.