Starting with this movie, I intend to work my way up. Using the ‘laugh’ ratings members can give the episodes at Club-MST3K.com, I plan on working from the least laughed episode (The Hellcats) to the most laughed one (Space Mutiny). I won’t be following that list exactly since there are some films I just don’t have access to at this time.

Just as the Eurospy films pack more laughs than I expect, the slew of biker films in season 2 is quite a hard slog. The Hellcats just might be the worst of the three, and I blame Anthony Cardoza.

This is one of the worst movie funerals I’ve ever seen. Cops and Mobsters and never the twain shall meet.

Nothing on this soundtrack sounds like it would be biker music. To poppy I think. I kind of dig the paintings used in the opening titles, a little trippy fun.

Of the hundreds and hundreds of plot devices that make no sense to me, infiltrating a biker gang to avenge someone or something is a bit stupid. And the fact this decision seems to be made on the spur of the moment makes it seem even dumber. Our hero and heroine just look like they bathe too often to fit in with the biker scum. At least the Moonfire Inn looks to be catering to the right clientele.

I somehow think there is a lot less switching of couriers with real drug running. I’d also think the killer would be smart enough to off the girlfriend of the detective, but what do I know.

It doesn’t feel like a whole movie, just clips and scenes thrown together to simulate a movie. Really, there are so much padding here you could probably get this story told in a ½ hour.

I do have to give the cast credit, they do look to genuinely be having a good time during the party scene. Ok, it does end with the worst O.D. this side of an afterschool special.

Our heroine’s sweater says malt shop, not biker dive.

At least the constant pop song background keeps this from falling victim to silence overload.

Our fourth and final Anthony Cardoza movie. Maybe if he had some coffee to share, the bikers wouldn’t have roughed him up. I’m thankful to announce they had the good taste to not continue the scene with the model and artist. Restraint Coleman Francis could have used in Red Zone Cuba.

Two party scenes in the first half hour? Why not.

So there’s not really a story, just some plot devices linked by scenes. I guess this is what these people thought tough looked and sounded like. They just come off as colorless and void of depth to me.

And in the full version, no race scenes, just more crowd watching a race scenes.

This is just nonsense. Our hero stopping the biker fight with just some hep talk? Then we go to the stretch completion? This is what happens when suburbanites watch Easy Rider.

Is it just me or does the size of the gang keep changing? Must be related to who was available what weekends.

No sexual tension at all. And I don’t have much sympathy for the junkie girl, she’s just too much a hamola in her moment in the spotlight.

“Kookie” is Justin or Jocelyn or whatever from Red Zone Cuba.

To her credit, when push came to shove, the Blonde heroine did make out with a pig to get her revenge.

Watchability: 1 of 5. Makes Wild Rebels look like a masterpiece. It is disjointed, nonsensical and devoid of tension. Not fun bad, just bad.

Missing the Riffs: 1 of 5. As of 8/25/13, this is the least ‘laughed’ episode at Club-MST3K. Generally speaking, people don’t like this movie with the riffing. Still, the episode is leaps and bounds more enjoyable than this full movie.

Note: I’m watching the version without the 19 second nude scene. The full version (if you really need to see the boobies for ‘integrity’) is available at archive.org. The edited version is usually the one in the budget bins/collections.

The ‘making of’ this movie is a fascinating story. This interview http://www.bmonster.com/profile37.html with Producer/Actor Anthony Cardoza (in addition to the 3 Francis films, he produced/acted in The Hellcats.) does a better job than I ever could. Be aware, the Coleman Francis story didn’t have a happy ending.

It’s all Tor Johnson’s fault.

I was an Ed Wood fan. Bride of the Monster, Glen or Glenda, Plan 9 From Outer Space. Loved them, as well as the B-movies (that’s what I thought all pre-1970 scifi/horror was) on the Early Show and Late Late Show. But I was at the video store in 1984, probably That’s Rentertainment, when I saw the VHS. Tor Johnson in a non-Ed Wood movie? The idea blew my mind.

I thought I knew what a b-movies were. Thought I had seen low budget films. Thought I knew how to define ‘cult’ movie. The Beast of Yucca Flats changed everything. Now I was lucky to live in a university town with a great rental story. There was a whole new wall of choices for me. Midget Westerns! Jungle Capers! Well Oiled Hercules! Rubber Monsters! The Cor-Man! The Ro-Man! Heck, they even had a 1970 movie called Bigfoot, staring John Caradine and produced by Antony Cardoza! (or maybe I have my Bigfoot movies mixed up)

But nothing else by Coleman Francis. His name never showing up in the Monster Movie mags and Zines of my day. The Beast was always ‘that Tor Johnson’ movie. Hell, I probably couldn’t tell you who directed the movie. I just assumed this was his one shot and, it didn’t go too well. After all, who would let him make another movie?

But I was wrong, it wasn’t Tor Johnson’s film. It wasn’t Tor Johnson that changed everything for me. It was Coleman Francis. I just didn’t know it yet.

Almost a decade later I finally found out.

Watchabilty: 1 of 5. It is in the discussion for worst movie ever. Definitely in Monster A-Go Go, The Creeping Terror range. Never trust a movie that’s narrated (except Blade Runner). A big movie in terms of my development as a fan.

Missing the Riffs: 3 of 5. I like both versions, don’t make me choose.