(The 2016 Nostalgia-Ween opening plays, before showing NC, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween shirt, in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (Suddenly notices a glass of wine, while Beethoven's "Fur Elise" plays) Why, what is this? (Sniffs the wine) I'm getting...anti-religious commentary. (Sniffs the wine) A hint of...one-dimensional villains and/or rednecks. (Sniffs the wine) And a...soupcon of something really stupid trying to come across as scary but instead coming across as really stupid. (Gasps and smiles) IT'S STEPHEN KING TIME!

NC (vo): Sometimes, I feel bad picking on this guy's worst work, but his worst work is clearly having so much fun being his worst work that, in the end, everybody's having a good time. So, let's keep the Nostalgia-Ween tradition going by looking at his 2003 film...

NC: ...The Story Where Aliens Come Out of People's Butts! (The poster of the movie is briefly shown with NC's title) I mean, Dreamcatcher. (The poster with the real title is briefly shown) I mean...The Story Where Aliens Come Out of People's Butts.

(The movie's logo is shown, before showing the movie's clips)

NC (vo): Yep. This was the first book King wrote after his nearly fatal car accident in 1999. Does it show?

(A scene showing an alien coming out of a person's butt (the butt is censored by an image of King's face) is shown)

NC: With King, it's hard to tell.

(We resume seeing movie clips)

NC (vo): This is the film everyone remembers specifically for one reason: It has monsters that explode out of your ass.

(A scene from a movie showing Bill Pullman making a disgusted sound is shown. Note: Which is the movie? Tell me.)

NC (vo): Because apparently, there's nothing more terrifying than shit-weasels. You may laugh at me calling them that, but that's the official term even the movie gives them!

Colonel Abraham Curtis: What about the shit-weasels?

NC (vo): King said in an interview that he wanted to do for the toilet what Psycho did for the shower. But I don't think you can do that when "shit-weasel" is the name that's being thrown around.

Colonel Abraham Curtis: What about the shit-weasels?

NC (vo): So let's take a look at what obviously came out of somebody's ass...

NC: Come on, King. That joke was gift-wrapped by you. This is Dreamcatcher.

(The movie's opening credits are shown)

NC (vo): We open with every early 2000s credit sequence with blurry close-ups of things...Yay! You're every kid who laid his head on the desk and held his eraser to his eye!...as we see the director is the writer of The Empire Strikes Back and The Force Awakens (Lawrence Kasdan). And clearly, he's still getting his snow fetish on. (Images of snowy scenes from both Star Wars films are shown) Seriously, is this a thing? (Cut to a psychiatrist named Henry talking with a man) It starts with a psychiatrist named Henry, who can read his patients' minds because he's a psychic...

(The caption "Psychic" appears below Henry)

NC: Wow! Not even a minute in, and we have a trope that he uses all the time!

Henry: She called out to you from that big fancy old bed.

Man: How could you know what happened?

Henry: Does it matter?

NC: Okay, look, King, I know everybody has a style, but...there's only so many ways I can make jokes about using the same cliches!

NC (vo): Yeah, I would die after hearing that read, too. (Cut to the next scene showing Jonesy alive and well six months later) He spontaneously comes back to life, and we cut to six months later where he seems perfectly fine.

NC: What was the point of that?

NC (vo): It's said later through some complicated King writing that because he technically died and came back, this blocks off part of his mind from the alien.

Harry: When he came back from the dead, it must've changed him somehow.

NC (vo): But why don't they just use the excuse that he's psychic as the reason why? It's a lot shorter and keeps the story more focused. (Cut back to the scene where Jonesy gets run over) This doesn't add anything to anything, except an excuse for me to play funny sound effects over it.

(The clip of Jonesy getting run over is replayed with different funny sound effects over it)

NC: Unless it somehow ties us in to that car being the lovechild of (Images of...) Christine and the Green Goblin Truck from Maximum Overdrive. In which case, take all the time you need for that story! There are no wrong choices there.

(We see the main characters hanging out at a cabin)

NC (vo): Our four psychic friends meet up yearly in their cabin in the woods to...be in their cabin in the woods. I don't know. I don't get camping.

Pete: In the movies, when people wake up together in the morning, they immediately start kissing and then going at it, but what they never do is get up first, take a leak, and brush their goddamn teeth.

NC: Okay, you do not get to make fun of other movie cliches!

NC (vo): If one of them was like, "Hey, should we talk about Stephen King cliches?"...

NC: ...there'd be four skeletons never heard from again!

Jonesy: I'm filing that in the "Who-gives-a-shit" section of my memory warehouse.

Beaver: Uh, what's the memory warehouse?

(Cut to Jonesy walking about in a large library inside his mind)

NC (vo): Speaking of libraries of cliches, they establish that everybody's mind has a memory warehouse. Honestly, not a bad idea, especially for a story about mind control. It even has a spot for recycled sepia tone memories.

(We see a flashback of the four guys as kids walking around and finding stuff on the floor. Editor's note: I'm gonna refer to the kids as "Kid #1" and "Kid #2" since I don't know which kids are which. If someone does know, I'd allow an edit)

Kid #1: Some kid's shirt.

Kid #2: So?

Kid #1: It's new.

(One kid picks up a Scooby-Doo lunchbox)

Kid #3: Scooby-Doo.

NC: (confused) That was important to know.

Kid #3: Scooby-Doo.

NC (vo; as Kid #3): Season 4. Casey Kasem was still Shaggy, before the dark times of the Scrappy Years.

(The kids encounter a bully tormenting a kid named Duddits)

Kid #1: Hey, you guys!

NC (vo): They see a mentally disabled boy named Douglas, or as he says, Duddits, being beaten up by bullies.

Kid #2: You'd better watch it.

Bully: Why is that?

Kid #2: I know who you are.

Bully: I'm trembling with fear.

Kid #3: So what do you think people will say when we tell them what we caught you doing?

Beaver: All right, that's enough, feller! Snap out of it! (Pushes the dead man, causing him to fall down, revealing his fatal wound from his butt, which is censored by a hot dog buns bag image) Oh, my God!

NC: (as Jonesy): Ohh, Tiny Toon Adventures!

NC (vo): So there seems to be an awful monster they can't flush down...oh, and an alien creature.

(NC performs a rimshot)

NC (vo): ...that Lee sits on to stop from getting out.

(Beaver sits in the toilet, struggling to prevent the monster inside from getting out)

Beaver: Find the damn tape!

NC (vo): Man, I've never seen Jason Lee so terrified. What could be under there to scare him so much?

NC (vo; as Alvin): Come on, Dave! Think of all the genres we can do with pun titles! A rap musical called "Chip-Hop"! A religious film called "Holy Chip"! And, of course, the Halloween special, "Scared Chipless"! We're coming for you, Dave! The chip must flow! The chip must flow!

NC (vo): So while the chip-weasel seems under control, he, no joke, lets them out because he wanted his toothpick. (Beaver slowly rises up from the toilet seat to correct the position of his toothpicks on the floor. NC sighs) Are you frigging kidding me?!

(The weasel monster escapes and attacks Beaver)

NC: All right, I get that they're trying to hint at some sort of...

NC (vo): ...compulsion with him, but even an OCD person wouldn't be like...

(A scared NC is shown sitting on the couch holding a remote)

NC: Oh, my God! If I let go of this trigger, a bomb will explode! (Notices the tissue box on the table) You know, this could be a little bit more symmetrical. (Puts the remote down to move the tissue box. An explosion erupts)

NC (vo): But it gets even sillier. Now that the monster's out, it leads to some pretty goofy stuff, like fighting him off with a toilet brush, (Beaver fights the weasel with a toilet brush) cutting his hand off and looking only slightly annoyed by it, (The weasel cuts Beaver's fingers off) and even a 90s crotch shot.

(The weasel hits Beaver in the groin as he screams)

NC: I feel like Daniel Stern should do his girly cry from Home Alone.

(The groin hit scene is replayed, with Marv's high-pitched scream (from the scene where Marv gets a tarantula on his face) dubbed over Beaver's scream. The beaver eventually kills Beaver)

NC (vo): The creature ends up killing him, as we're shown Stephen King Letdown Alien #...I don't know, 5?...who takes control of his (Jonesy) body. (We cut to Morgan Freeman's character, Colonel Curtis) Meanwhile, we're introduced to two albino caterpillars with Morgan Freeman's face attached, who points out that these alien creatures who infect the human body and have their young burst out in bloody ways sounds a bit familiar.

Curtis: The men call the red stuff Ripley, after the broad in the Alien movies.

NC: (as Curtis) See what I did there? That immediately doesn't make it a rip-off. I learned my crap from the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie.

(Cut to the RogerRabbit reference scene in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle)

Fearless Leader: Shut up! This is totally different!

NC (vo): Yeah, Freeman plays a guy who really knows his shit, like making his soldiers give scout's honor (Curtis shoots the fingers off of one of the soldiers), only to shoot their fingers off...

NC: That was nice.

NC (vo): ...and talks about tons of needless military information that honestly plays little to no part in anything.

Curtis: (various scenes) They've never picked terrain like this before. / Do you know the Blue Unit Cataclysm? / I handpicked every man in Blue Boy group. / Under what rules does the Blue Unit operate? / They never visited a world they wouldn't rather own. / Tell me how we do it.

Man: We go in fast and hard.

Curtis: When a soldier disobeys a superior's orders...

NC (vo): Oh, God. You know what this all leads to? (Cut to another scene with Curtis that will be described again later) At one point, Freeman tries to shoot our hero, and he fails.

NC: That's it! So why are we listening to all this?

Man: There's a difference of opinion about the Ripley.

Curtis: Who has an opinion?

Man: Three star, General Mathison.

Curtis: When did you see him?

Man: Called him in yesterday.

Curtis: And what is the fault of opinion...

NC (vo): It's like dedicating a half hour of Snow White to talk about (image of...) the Queen's foreign policies and social affairs. Nobody gives a shit! You fall off a cliff! Why are we stuck with this dueling pair of Doctor Wiley Mustaches?!

(Pete lands on a campfire and cries out in pain, but, after a second, he gets up and takes a burning log out of it)

NC: Uh, no. No man stands up immediately after that.

(The scene replays in slow-motion)

NC (vo): The correct response is unzip your fly and crawl around in the snow like (video clip of...) a dog who has worms.

(Jonesy appears and rides away in a snowmobile)

NC (vo): Not that it matters, though, as the possessed body of Jonesy is about to meet up with him. How do we know he's possessed? Well, his head CHUNNS whenever he turns.

(Jonesy, possessed by Mr. Gray, sharply turns to his right, smiling, with a dramatic sting. Then he turns to his left, also with a sting. Cut to NC, who smiles and starts rapidly turning his head left and right, ending with a turn to a camera. Dramatic stings play with each turn)

Jonesy: (as Mr. Gray) Pete, I need you to get onto the snowmobile right now.

Pete: You sound like one of those James Bonds.

(Cut to the real Jonesy in a memory warehouse, who watches his possessed body through the window and then peeks into a spyhole in the door)

NC (vo): Even in the memory-warehouse Jonesy has partially blocked off, that doesn't stop evil Eric Idle from knocking on his echoey door.

Mr. Gray: Let me in. (whispers) Let me in... (normal) What have you got in that part of your mind? It'll just take me a while to find them. (whispers) To find them... (normal) Think about letting me in. (whispers) Letting me in... (normal) It's the polite thing to do. (whispers) Polite thing to do...

NC: Man, the alien's got some good backup accompaniment.

NC (vo, as Mr. Gray): You know, this guy Shaft is a mean mother... (whispers) Shut your mouth... (normal) I'm just talking about Shaft. (whispers) We can take it...

NC: These extraterrestrials have an interesting way of doing things, don't they, guys?

Voices: Mm-hmm.

NC: Malcolm? Tamara? Is it me, or do you guys seem a bit more...British than usual?

(Cut to reveal two Film Brains in clothes and wigs resembling Malcolm and Tamara. They smile creepily and talk with British accents)

Malcolm FB: I don't know what you mean.

Tamara FB: We're just our normal American selves.

NC: You sure you haven't been taken over by aliens? 'Cause that would just make too much sense.

Malcolm and Tamara FBs: Oh, yes.

NC: Okay, well, go back to doing whatever non-alien things you were doing.

Malcolm and Tamara FBs: Okay.

(They leave)

NC: I wonder why I crave mushy peas all of a sudden.

(Commercial break)

(When we return, we see Curtis and his soldiers trying to attack an alien ship)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Freeman takes the two moths taped to his eyebrows to the alien ship and tries to destroy it.

Curtis: Owen, get them outta there! It's gonna blow!

Owen: I repeat, cease firing and back off!

Soldier #1: We can get these last monsters!

Owen: It's self-destructing, back off!

Soldier #2: But we're on top of them!

(The ship self-destroys, and most of the helicopters fall into the explosion)

NC: Don't you love it in movies when the military never do as they're told? Because, when in their history has it ever hammered in they should follow orders? Disrespectful piece of shit.

(The real Jonesy is shown inside his mind, which is depicted as a room full of shelves with books and other things)

NC (vo): Get this. While the alien part of Jonesy's mind is distracted, Jonesy sneaks out and tries to pull all the information on Duddits into the locked room with him. (Beat) Okay. I'm open to a visual representation of the mind and how it's being altered, but...

NC: Um... Mental Jonesy has a limp?

(Jonesy is indeed limping)

NC (vo): What takes the mental alien so long to get to him? He took over his mind pretty fast before. Why does the alien recognize where mental Jonesy is sometimes, but not other times? How are memories heavy? Or...heavy enough to earn a grunt noise?

(Jonesy grunts)

NC: I mean... Does it make any sense to you, guys?

(Malcolm and Tamara FBs are shown again)

Malcolm and Tamara FBs: No.

(The camera zooms on Malcolm Film Brain, and we see the inside of his mind, with the real Malcolm peeking into the spyhole in the door and Film Brain on the other side of the door, smiling creepily)

(Tamara grins, opens the door quietly and sneaks out while Film Brain is trying to hear an answer)

FB: Hellooo? Hello? (frowns) Hello. (smiles) Hello!

(Tamara pops out of Tamara FB's left ear)

Tamara: Hey, Malcolm, you in there?

(And Malcolm pops out of his British self's ear, too)

Malcolm: Yeah. Boy, this advanced alien race sure is easy to dupe.

Tamara: Yeah. You wanna grab a bite at Portillo's?

Malcolm: Sounds good!

(They jump out of their British selves' ears. Malcolm and Tamara FBs finally notice this and bend down, looking for them on the floor)

Tamara FB: Where are they? Where are they?

Malcolm FB: Where are they? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

(NC looks confused by this)

Tamara FB: My little Micro Machines. I need to fix you in the LEGO set in my brain!

NC: (shrugs it off) That's so Malcolm and Tamara.

(The movie continues, showing the various transitions from one scene to another)

NC (vo): Another strange thing this film suddenly implements are wipes. Now, not that there's anything wrong with using them in a film, but they literally come in an hour and a half into the movie! There hasn't been one before, and then suddenly, they're all over the place!

NC: Maybe he (the director) knew the movie was going south, so he wanted to remind people that he worked on Star Wars.

NC (vo): I keep expecting one of those wipes to reveal R2-D2.

(A film transitions to a scene from Star Wars: A New Hope, showing R2-D2 falling down, and then going to another scene)

NC (vo): So Henry gets caught in quarantine, but he convinces Freeman's second-in-command that Freeman is nuts and going to kill everybody in the area. The soldier agrees with him, so he decides to break Henry out.

(Captain Owen Underhill crashes through the wall next to Henry in the armored car. They drive away)

Henry: You almost ran me down!

Owen: I figured you'd read my mind and get out of the way.

NC: (after a beat) A perfectly valid point.

NC (vo): But Jonesy... (sighs) calls Henry through a phone in his mind, and Henry answers his gun to talk.

(Henry's shotgun rings and, yes, he answers it)

Henry: Hello? Jonesy!

(NC lies on his desk, exhausted)

NC: Oh, my God!

Henry: Where's he taking you? Massachusetts? He is? Duddits? Okay.

NC (vo): This...is still a scary film, right? Was it...ever meant to be scary? Because it's starting to look like a mix of Russian roulette and Whose Line is It Anyway?.

NC (vo): And you know this dude's (Owen) just thinking, "Oh, my God, I've killed us all. I'm gonna be court-martialed for this loon, and I doomed the human race."

(Jonesy doesn't answer)

Henry: He hung up.

NC (vo, as Henry): Oh, Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all...

(A grown-up Duddits is shown, having a bald head)

NC (vo): So they find out where Duddits is, who's now played by Donnie Wahlberg, looking how half the New Kids on the Block look right now, and he tells his mom he needs to go stop an alien invasion. She...of course, has no problem with this.

(Roberta Cavell, Duddits' mother, looks at him as he prepares to drive away)

Roberta: Goodbye, Duddie. Be a good boy. Now go save the world.

(After a second, she suddenly puts both hands up. NC is puzzled)

NC: (as Roberta) And go score a touchdown. (He then puts his hands up as the audience cheers and the scene is replayed)

NC (vo): But it turns out the gun has a tracking device, because, of course it does, so Freeman chases after them, and they pray that they can outrun him before their Tim Blake Nelson (Duddits) melts.

(Curtis arrives, flying in a helicopter)

NC (vo, as Curtis): I'm not even sure why I used a helicopter. My eyebrows could have flown me here fast enough.

(Curtis opens fire, and Henry fires from his rifle in response)

NC (vo, sighs): Again, they're both trying to stop the aliens, so this all seems pretty pointless.

NC (vo): Alien Jonesy shows his true form and wants to contaminate the drinking water supply with alien sperm. But, thankfully, Duddits comes in to save the day.

Duddits: Ooby-Ooby-Doo...we got some work to do now.

NC: Weirdest cartoon tie-in ever.

NC (vo): He goes to fight the Men in Black bug, and it's revealed why Duddits was the way he was.

(Duddits transforms into another alien. NC is dumbfounded)

NC: Of course! He was an alien all along! (Beat) Do you think his mother knew that?

(Cut to scenes showing Duddits and his mother together)

NC (vo): Was she impregnated? Was he taken over by the alien? Did he show up in a basket like a 1920s cartoon?

NC: Well, we'll never know, because...

(Both aliens explode)

NC (vo): ...the alien is defeated, (The real Jonesy steps on the larva-worm) the last bug is squashed, and... (Cut to the credits) That's it! Yeah, they decided against an ending, because I guess they've figured we've suffered enough.

NC: Um...thanks?

(Clips from the movie play as NC gives his final thought)

NC (vo): This movie is all sorts of silly trying to somehow be taken seriously. Maybe King’s writing could have made some of these ideas work better in the book, but as a film, it’s hilariously ridiculous. The only other downside is how slow it is. There’s a lot of pointless talking, slow moving scenes and long periods of black nothingness that offer nothing visually or comedically entertaining. But it does still have evil British aliens, crazy Morgan Freemans, and, of course, shit-weasels. If that sounds insane enough to tickle your funny bone, then this is definitely one to check out.

NC: And speaking of weird, what's been up with you guys recently? (British Malcolm and Tamara are shown yet again) You look like a Canadian rap group.

Malcolm FB: It's time to begin our hostile takeover.

(Their eyes glow, and NC, scared out of his wits, leaves the desk. Chester then appears from the prop room)

(And, in an explosion, he turns into an alien! NC drops his jaw and puts his hands behind the head in amazement and confusion. The clones' eyes stop glowing, and they look up at the alien)

Malcolm FB: Oh, bugger!

Tamara FB: And other British stereotypes!

(The alien's eyes glow, and he kills the Film Brain clones in another explosion)

NC: Chester?..

(The alien bows to NC and disappears in yet another explosion)

NC: Of course. Chester was an alien all along. That's why he acted so strange. That's why he was different from everyone else.

(NC smiles in relief, but then turns to see...Chester, who's alive and well)

Chester: No. That was just an alien disguised as me. I'm still really here.

NC: Oh.

(Awkward silence occurs)

Chester: You really think all of my mental problems is because I was an alien, huh?!

NC: (stutters) It's not like that...

Chester: No, no, no, no! I get it! It can't be because of how I was born or my environment! Clearly, being an alien explains it just as well!

NC: No, I...

Chester: It's like if an Asian person walks by, and I'm like, "Ooh! Maybe he looks that way because he's an alien!" It's a perfectly legit reason! (NC sighs and rubs his forehead in shame) I hope I will be seen as more than just an excuse for your stereotypes, sir! (Beat) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have serious work to do. (He takes out his cup and goes back into the prop room, shaking the cup and yelling...) CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Oh, come on, help a guy out, will ya?

NC: (sighs) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...happy flushing.

(He leaves as the beginning of the original Scooby-Doo theme plays. Fade to black. The credits roll)

Channel Awesome Tagline - Jonesy: Scooby-Dooby-Doo, we've got some work to do now.