The X-Rated Mud Run You’ll Actually Want To Train For

"Stop f**king complaining, and envision crawling through a penis tunnel."

The New Year has brought with it a disturbing trend. Posts like "Training for that 5k," "Workin on my fitness! LOL," and "Daily grind" accompanied by sports bra/spandex tank selfies of people with determined looks on their faces are becoming entirely too common on Facebook and Instagram. As I read them, splayed on top of my bare mattress in a "Crabs Are For Lovers" T-shirt from Joe's Crab Shack with traces of mustard on my face from an undetermined meal, I can't help but wonder, where's my kind of marathon with naked people or chicken salad sandwiches at the end?

And here it is. Billed as "a 5K adult-themed obstacle course race for all people over 18 of all fitness abilities" this year's inaugural X-Rated Run is a sloppy and sexy alternative to a traditional 5k. Created by Kelly Perez, the owner of sex toy website SensualSteals.com, the event, held in Bunnell, Florida, take places entirely in mud. It features such obstacles as the Dominatrix Dungeon, the G-String Crawl, and the Blue Balls Dash, described by Perez as "a dash through very large, blue rubber balls that are hitting you in the face.”

Of her inspiration, Perez told Sports Illustrated's Extra Mustard, “One day while training, I felt drained and wanted to give up. I said, ‘This is B.S. Forget it. I’m not an elite athlete—I sell sex toys for a damn living.’ My cousin replied, ‘Stop f—ing complaining, and envision crawling through a penis tunnel.’" And so, the X-Rated Run was born.

At the finish line, competitors will win a free beer, a condom-shaped medal, and the chance to be named Ms. or Mr. X-Rated 2014, with a grand prize of $690 (did ya get it?) Registration is still open, with racer fees of $65 and "spectator (voyeur)" fees of $25. So, grab a crisp Hamilton and a Lincoln and we'll see you in Bunnell, baby!