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Fixodent and NEVER forget it (no matter how hard you try)

Remember that time I liked an OkCupid guy enough to talk on the phone?

And how he mentioned his teeth were “fake,” and I thought, “Oh, he probably has veneers. Those look so natural, dentistry is amazing. Tra la la…?”

And how later we got to talking about oral sex (as you do), and he said he’s been told he’s great at it because he has “more room to open up and maneuver around?”

And then how my brain doubled back and I ventured, “Do you mean you take…the teeth out…when you…?”

And how he was just like, “Yeah!,” as if “gummilingus” were the hot new thing in the latest Cosmo and I was totally behind the times?

And then how I died? Remember that? REMEMBER HOW I DIED?

Man. Good times.

That is all true. I could not make that up. Fucking Chuck Palahniuk couldn’t make that up.

I need to go take 600 boiling hot showers, and then surely there’s some fancy spa treatment where you sit all day in a vat of Purell? Right. Shut up and take my credit card, and let us never speak of this again.