Kobe Bryant Sued for Assault

Yesterday, we read of how Zach Randolph has had a civil suit filed against him for alleged offences for which there is so little evidence that the police didn’t even consider him a suspect. Today, in more trying-to-get-something-for-nothing news, Kobe Bryant is being sued for assault and battery by fan Bill Geeslin. Fortunately for Billy, he has thousands of fans as witnesses and video footage from numerous angles as evidence. Unfortunately for Billy, nothing happened.

Bill Geeslin sat in the stands when the Lakers played in Memphis last Nov. 14. His three-page federal lawsuit filed Tuesday claims that Bryant came off the court during play, landed on Geeslin and "without provocation" committed assault and battery when he struck Geeslin with his elbow.

I’m really hoping this didn’t go down, because if Kobe did throw a ‘bow at an unsuspecting fan, I imagine it would have made national news. If that’s the case, somebody’s been slipping drugs in my cereal since I can’t remember a damn thing about it.

Now, I’m not a criminologist by trade, but I have watched nearly every episode of Monk and CSI: Miami, and I feel this qualifies me to pass my expert judgement on this case. Lacking the necessary forensic evidence to really get my nails into the matter, however, I’m just going to have to Sherlock a conclusion based on media reports and what we like to refer to in the business as “common freaking sense”.

Here’s how I’m guessing – no, alleging – it all unfolded:

1. Kobe (codename: Mamba) chases loose ball into crowd.

2. Kobe lands on Bill Geeslin (codename: Johnny Getcash).

3. Kobe, attempting to free himself from the mass of bodies into which he has flung himself, accidentally knocks Mr. Getcash upside the head.

4. After a year of soul-searching and spending beyond his means, Getcash decides that the right thing to do is to put this incorrigible criminal behind bars.

5. Having consulted an attorney, he decides that it might be better if he got paid – I mean, achieved justice financially (I’m not trying to get my ass sued here).

So, what’s the damage to his wallet if Kobe loses?

Geeslin claims seeks more than $75,000 in damages for unspecified injuries that required medical attention.

Seventy-five grand for an elbow to the dome? Which hospital did this guy go to? For that kind of cash, I’d expect a platinum neck brace and daily massages from Halle Berry.

As a sidenote, I feel I should inform you that I also plan to sue Kobe Bryant. On seeing him dunk over Steve Nash during the Lakers-Suns series in last year’s playoffs, I leapt up in excitement and spilled popcorn over myself, burning my leg with the hot butter. Doctors say I may never grow hair on that part of my thigh again. Why did I have to wear my shorty shorts that day? Why mockest thou me, fate?