Friday, July 22, 2011

Swimming up to the Surface...

Have you ever felt that combination of being absolutely overwhelmed to the point where you actually just start laughing because it's all a bit ridiculous and you just have to let it out before you get up, repack your bag and journey onwards... that coupled with an excitement that just almost literally tickles you. That's what the last 16 hours have been like for me. I can't even begin to explain them yet I am going to try. It's probably why I am on here right now instead of working or showering, which I really should. I just have to get it out because right now it's rattling in my brain and throughout the rest of my body. I have these visions, this utterly decadent and depraved world, just this place I want to find that doesn't exist and so I am embarking on a long journey to slowly create it, for me and for others I hope. I know I'm bound to fuck up along the way many times over, but I wouldn't expect anything else and that's okay, it can be aggravating but learning what you did wrong and what not to do through trial and error, at least for me, tends to be the best way to learn. So my visions, my world, it has become this burning sensation inside of me, this absolute need to realize it, to share it, to exist in it. It drives me. At times I can feel it in what seems like every cell in my body, I can feel it tingling in my blood and hiding behind my eyes. I have always been so stubbornly independent and I strive to be as self sufficient as possible. I've always had an attitude like, "Just give it to me, I'll figure it out, I'll do it, no it's not too much, just put it on the table"... seriously, when I was eight and my Nintendo wouldn't work, remember how you had to take it out, blow on the game, blow into the console, over and over again.... or with VHS players, sometimes you had to give them a nice little bop or two, maybe shake them around a little bit, I would just keep playing around with them until they would work... and I once had this Beauty and the Beast tent I got for Christmas and I was a child and excited and wanted it set up right then and there, but for whatever reason, I was told to wait and I went into my father's bedroom and set that fucking thing up all by myself. I was 7 or 8 and I was so proud that I was able to do it. Maybe I am impatient, maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm independent, maybe I'm all of these things. Whatever the case may be, it's just how I am... and I will admit, every once in a blue moon I find myself going back to someone and saying, "motherfucker, fine, here, you do it"... and then that little smirk on their face and the laugh, I must endure that as well. I'm okay with that because I have no problem laughing at myself and realize that I am not Dora the fucking Explorer or Bob the bullshit Builder nor am I Macgyver. So, I am basically designing my new space in Ct and starting a production company. I thought I had a fair grasp on everything that would involve. Oh... no, I was wrong. I was so very, hysterically wrong. I knew there would be a lot of work and determination required on my part... and I was and am ready to fucking chisel away at the bottom of a fucking hill to move it, and I say hill because as of yesterday afternoon my hill just became a big ole mountain. So now my head is tilted all the way back looking up and it's really just like, "Ahh, fuck me! Okay, where do I fucking start now"... because I can shoot and edit, I have learned many things in regards to both from watching and asking over the years. I have also practiced it on my own. I thought I would just have someone create a pay site for me and then I could hook onto a server and just upload and that would be it but no, now I need to learn how to be a webmaster of a pay site which doesn't sound like much, but it is, there is a fuck load I don't know about all this programming shit and so I must learn, a lot and well. It's actually a lot of complicated crap if you have no understanding of it and I can see how many people would just be like, "you know what, on second thought..." I was there when my old website was constructed and saw how it was done and didn't think a pay site would be that much different. Everyone I knew who could create websites, didn't know anything about pay sites though and didn't want to even touch them. Now I know why. A whole different ball game. Between setting it up and maintaining it and just crap, it's a giant clusterfuck of a difference and for me I have no understanding of it... yet. In this "industry" there are many people who do one of several things. One being that they have someone who takes about 50% of their profits every month to handle their site, uploading, maintaining, editing and all that computer crap and programming that right now I don't know how to do. For me, there exists two issues with that, one, no way is some fucktard having control of my site and content... no way, these are my visions, my scenes, my art and no one is touching it and two, no one is taking a 50% cut from me for something I will, I fucking will learn how to do and manage and no one is going to profit from my tears and sweat and my love but me and hopefully the people that it will appeal to. That's it, there's me and there's all of you and everyone else can move the fuck aside. I have had people try to tell me it's too much work and a big process and it would just be easier to stick to Clips4sale and other crap and you know what, I am doing my due diligence because I don't really want to link on to some site... I want my fucking world online. I want a site that epitomizes all that I am and believe and dream and love. That's it, there are no other options for me. I know it's going to be work and I know it's going to be hard and discouraging and I still do not fucking care. I know my stuff, I know that it will get better overtime as I work out all the kinks, as the quality of what I can do will integrate with what I envision and want to do. I have so many hot fucking scenes and things I want to shoot, things I have never seen anywhere, things that excite me, things that are beautiful and dark and edgy, erotic and real. I was always told that going down the glamour, really erotic film route wouldn't appeal to a large audience because it's what women want, not men. All of you have already proved that to be wrong, the amount of emails I get in response to my blog and the emails in general, your yearnings, everything has just been a giant fuck you to that notion. So, I am laughing at myself and the road ahead of me. I feel, and I realize it's being a bit dramatic, but have you ever watched a film and at the end there's a battle and someone says, "You do realize we're probably not going to make it out of here alive" ... and it's kind of like, "Yup, let's go"... that's how I feel. Dramatic, yes, but still. It's that almost idiotic determination. So, I hope that when I get there, when I carve out a little bit of land for myself, when I create my new world, I hope I will not be there alone... and if I am, well there's always email.

I kind of laugh at some notions of what I do or my typical day. I have had people who are like, "that's cool, so basically whenever you need money you just take a client and that's it" or that I just sit here, answer a few emails and then work for an hour or two and that's really just it. I'm lazy, I sit home all day twiddling my thumbs. I make my own hours and goof off all day long. The peanut factory, they're fucking nuts. No, I have a phenomenally beautiful destination in mind and I believe that there is beauty in the beast... I think in darkness there's beauty. I will die before I give up on this, before I give up on my dream, my passion... because I will die before I ever give up on myself. Our sexuality is exquisite and it shouldn't have to be shameful, hidden or denied.

I don't doubt that many people don't understand my devotion because of the "industry" I am in and the path I chose. Maybe I didn't do what I should have, maybe my career is a joke to many and my world misunderstood... maybe I'll look back at my naivety and think how foolish I was, but it remains the same, it remains mine. I don't want to conquer the world, just my dreams... and if I fail, then at least I tried.

"Let’s Pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
Let’s pretend things would’ve been no different
Pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
Pretend he just made excuses that was so paper thin they could blow away with the wind
Marshal you're never gonna make it, makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you'll win
Pretend he just stayed out side all day and played with his friends
Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend
And it wasn’t time to move and schools were changing again
He wasn’t socially awkward and just strange as a kid
He had a father and his mother wasn’t crazy as shit
And he never dreamed he can ripped stadiums he was just lazy as shit
Fuck a talent show in the gymnasium bitch
You won’t amount to shit quit day dreaming kid
You need to get ya cranium checked you thinking like an alien it just ain’t realistic
Now pretend they ain’t just make him angry with this shit
And there was no one he could even aim when he’s pissed it
And his alarm went off to wake him but he didn't make it to the rap Olympics left to his plane and he missed it
He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and WIC shit
Cause he never risked shit he hoped and he wished it
But it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here, he pretends that..." -Airplanes