I am very sorry to hear of your loss…..a friend that became so close as to be like family…..and the experience his passing has brought you to of focusing on the wonderment of every moment. A co-worker of mine has suffered a great loss as well and I watch him carefully as I see his daily struggle to make sense of it and to try to return to the mundane everyday business that swirls around him. You reflected on the losses in the world that are created by people against people and in reading that it is almost overwhelming to imagine how the world can continue to survive with people like that in its midst. So, we must embrace the things that create wonder, that we open our eyes each morning and seek out the good in the world and close our eyes each evening and pray that we will be safe as we sleep, when we are vulnerable…..suddenly the song from Hansel and Gretel comes to mind, the one about angels watching while we sleep.

Thank you for your continued support to look forward, reflect backward and use that reflection to continue to make every moment count and every communication we have be positive and supportive of this, the human condition.

I just found your comment, and hope you’ll get this reply. First, thank you for saying what you said, I appreciate it, maybe today more than most days I think. And thank you for caring about the world we live in and making your moments count!

Thanks for the link to my site regarding a recent post about dealing with difficult people. I’ve had a chance to review some of the stuff on your site, and I find it to be interesting and thought provoking – I’m sure I’ll be back.

pls i will love live a productive life . but i make decisions and later just stope all what i have plan for and this ongoing thing in my lifeand is realy riping me apart what advice do you have to help me life. i am from Germany

If I understand you correctly, you find that you don’t follow through on your decisions. I’m not certain from what you’ve written whether it’s because the decisions don’t fulfill your values, or if you haven’t learned how to be able to count on yourself. If it’s the former, I suggest you first clarify your values, then use them in every decision you make, so as not to be at crossed purposes. If the latter, start small, say it, then do it. For as you learn to do this in small things, you will find it much easier in big things.

I recommend you read my book, ‘Life By Design,’ *available in TheArtofChange.com bookstore, to learn more about both of these options. And you might want to find yourself a coach, someone to hold you accountable for following through on the promises you make to yourself.

Thank you for your feedback. The upside is, my free advice cost you nothing. The downside is, I intended for it to be helpful to anyone taking the time to read it, and with you I have missed the mark, so allow me a second pass at it. You asked about identifying mixed messages. By way of example, if a person says yes while shaking their head no, or points left while telling you to go right, or says “I love you” in an angry voice, these are mixed messages. There are larger mixed messages too, for example, when you say you value your health but treat your body badly, or say you care about your family but then yell at them and justify yourself, these too are mixed messages. How’s that?

Thank you for these articles. It is absolutely healing in a lot of ways. I was married to a Narc. It was like having a reptile at home. He was cold, cruel, always making trouble where ever he could. He was very aggressive. And very lazy, everything had to be done for him and it had to be perfect or there was hell to pay. He had health problems, I took care of him. I got ill, when he saw that there was no way for me to take care of his every need, I got scolded for being a piece of rubbish. These people do not have feelings, I ask him one day, he said to me straight, I can’t
feel, do not ask me. I said to him :put the shoe on the other foot;
he said : I can not : It is your problem. He could not deal with any emotion and yet when we dating a long time ago, he did not appear to be this person. Please be carefull if they snap, just try to RUN!! They are dangerous, and I agree, as they get older there personallities go South to. My life with a Narc. was like being on a rollercoaster 24/7. I don’t think they know what is means to be committed, faithful or loyal, personally I think the PERSON has never entered the building.

Hi, Im not sure whether I would categorise my partner as a narcissist but I will put out there my major concern with our relationship. I have felt for the past two and a half years that 90% of our conversations are all about him, his kids, his work etc. He has very little interest in any issues I may have and has no interest in what my kids are doing. Seems to me to be all about him. Im at a crossroad as to whether I can continue in a relationship that seems so one sided. There are a few narcissitic traits I can see in him but they seem manageable, to me its just insecurity. How does one approach a partner and tell them they are totally self absorbed and how unimportant I feel in the relationship…..basically a handbag. He wants me to move in with him and has implied he expects it to happen in the next 12-18 months…again no consideration for my family of 3 kids (two whom still live at home). Not sure what to do or how to handle this situation as every time I have broached an issue, he has the uncanny knack of turning it around so that I feel like im over reacting.

Hi,
I found your articles very informative and good for my soul. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 18 months. He is a good looking, muscle bound man who has many, many, women friends who seem to fall at his feet. They call and text at all hours of the night and day when I’m there with strange requests. When I express my dislike he says “did I tell them to say that.” He has one of his ex’s whom he has been separated from for 14 years at his beck and call. He speaks appallingly to her and yet she runs round him like a little puppy. She shops for him, picks him up from work when he demands it, sometimes when he finishes shifts at 3am. He calls her and tells her he’s run out of cigarettes and she pops some round. He thinks he is king of the world and likes to be treated the way he says is his right. He has no respect for anyone, including his family and when he’s finished shouting them down on the phone he will say “I win again.” He has absolutely no regard for anyone but himself and always thinks he is right. He has said the most evil things to me and yet professes to love me.
After yet another pathetic argument over my lack of ability to “look after a man, especially one of his calibre” I told him to get lost. For two days I have ignored his calls and texts. My family have said they will have nothing to do with me if I go back to him. This time I must break free before he destroys me. Any tips would be gratefully received.

Hi Elaine
Glad you got away, now the trick is to stay away, And the skill is inner resolve. Make a specific commitment to yourself regarding this guy, and then keep that commitment come hell or high water. Because if you can’t count on yourself, who can you count on?

Hello Dr. K. I have found tremendous help in just reading the comments and replies you post. Thank you for that. My situation is similar to a lot of the people in this (blog?).
First I will tell you my immediate issue. My ex-almost-son-in-law is so narcissistic and so clever and manipulative that even when I am prepared and ready for it he has me agreeing with him and almost believing he is “normal” and I am way off the mark of whatever it is he is trying to convince me of (for his benefit)
Now some history but no means not even a tenth of it. My daughter has been living with him for 10 years has a son with him and he claims he has “raised her daughter” for that whole time. Everything he says or does is self serving in some way or another. In this 10 years he has belittled my daughter, told me he was so much smarter than her said she had a lisp (she does not) says he makes way more money than her and gradually over the years has isolated her and the children only “allowing” them to attend family holidays to make himself look “generous”. he was manipulating her once here at my house and then came in to try to schmooze me into seeing his point and I told him point blank “I know who you are, I know what you are about and I know how you operate” Well through the years I have aoligized to him much more than I would have if he didn’t withhold my grandchildren from me if I didn’t just apologize but told him how I truly saw it his way and understood. My daughter fell into this gradually but I warned her as much as I could without giving him the opportunity to convince her I was “hostile” toward him. He made her check out of the hospital 6 hours after surgery because “he didn’t do babies He hasn’t held a job in 3 years and before that he sabotaged any job he had so they would fire him and he would seem the victim. Also an alcoholic (I knew him sober and his counselor told him to practice relationships not ownership) My daughter has lefthim 3 times 2 of those times he pulled the I’m so sorry I can’tlive without you I will never treat you or the kids like that again and houndedher so much that she gave up and let him back. Thistime she has been away from him 2 months and has stuck to her guns and told him there is no love left and she is done. He keeps hounding her and asking her to give him another chance. She is staying strong. His latest ploy is to involve me. My daughter have a super close relationship. She told me that He wanted to talk to me eventually. I choose not to talk to him because I know how good he is at convincing people to feel sorry for him and try to help him. He can cry look like a poor puppy and tells me no one except me loves her more than him and no one ever could. I told my daughter that I do not choose to see him or talk to him. I see the benefit for him but I cannot see any benefit for me, in fact I predict quite the opposite. So 2 days after that he started calling my home I would not answer and I told my husband who will not at all have anything to do with him that if he answered the phone I would not talk to him. So he showed up at my doorstep. To avoid upsetting my husband I hurried and went out front and talked to him and sure enough he needs to tell me how much better he is and has 60 days sober and on and on. I was cordial told him that I knew inside of him there was a good man but let my daughter have the space she is requesting. He cried and the whole bit. I know I sound cold but I lived with a man like this for 4 months and barely got out alive and my son in laws abuse had excalated to physical to my daughter and I know how she feels so sorry for people. Now that I talked to him he wants me to go to a meeting with him. (I have 21 years sober) pretty much thinking it’s my duty if I am working my 12th step (I know better) My question. How do I get it through his self centered head that I do not want to talk to him. I already told him and he begs. I guess the Yes no and run? Thanks Barbara

I got your message asking me to reply to this on my feedback form, and replied to it with a comment there. But this seems like a good time to point out to my blog readers, who I appreciate VERY MUCH, what you/they can expect as far as my replies go.

I write this blog as a public service. I provide the service free, and in my free time I reply to comments. However, I cannot promise to reply to any comment in a timely way, as sometimes my travel and speaking schedule is too active and I just don’t have the time. If your need is urgent, I suggest you find a professional counselor or coach, or that you book a private session with me. I prioritize my clients’ needs when it comes to how I use my time.

Now, with a few hours between trips, here’s my reply to your comment above.

I believe that you are unlikely to get anything through his self-centered head, so the ‘Yes, No, Gotta go’ pattern is probably your best hope. Physical abuse is absolutely unacceptable, and may be reportable. Contact the police and find out what’s possible to stop it in your area.

I attended you program yesterday, “Dealing with Difficult People” and enjoyed it immensely! One question I should have asked and am now thinking about. How do you deal with a person who has told you they have nothing to say to you? She only speaks “at me” when she has a question. Sincerely, Terry

Hi Terry, thanks for visiting my blog and for your positive feedback about the program!

Sounds like the ‘nothing’ person to me! Starting point is always going to be found in the answer to the question, “What do you want?” When people stop talking, there’s usually quite a bit of talking that they’re doing in their heads. I’d be curious about when specifically this started, if or when there was a triggering event, what this person might have given up on expressing or resolving successfully that led to this result.

If you need information, the strategy offered in the seminar is the one I recommend.

I have found that over the years and years of my life I haven’t had the right tools to deal with myself and how to handle situations I came into contact with. I am here looking to change my perspective on the way I see thing so that I can become a better person for myself, and so I can be a more productive person in our crazy society. Listening to one audio recording tonight has opened my eyes to the numerous opportunities out there for me. My husband has been trying to guide me for years about the power of change that is locked in each one of us, all we need to do is to find the right key and the possibilities are endless. Thank you for providing a much need perspective during this changing time for me.