The Darkest Hour (2011)

This movie blows. Before we get to “the why”, let’s start with “the what” (ft. Method Man). The Darkest Hour has the COOL AS SHIT concept of an invasion by invisible aliens made of energy who plow ass through the human race like a fat kid in a candy store. Unfortunately, that is the extent of the plot and worthwhile aspects of this flick. Emile Hirsch and Max Minghella play two douchie software designers who have no worthwhile skills from their career when suddenly faced with monsters from outer space. One would think that energy-based beings would be susceptible to some sort of app that tells you how many times you jerked off in the past month. Olivia Thirlby and Rachael Taylor play two females with no backstory, no character traits, no survival skills, and plenty of good looks. Basically, every douchie software designer’s wet dream. I wish I could describe for you the rest of the plot and characters here, but they don’t exist. Granted, sick lowbrow jams oftentimes come birthed from such minuscule amounts of writing, and I kind of expected this experience, but baby, I was wrong.

Straight up and down, this is one of the worst flicks I’ve seen in a while. The opening ten-to-fifteen minutes is trash; watching these two bad stereotypes of tech-savvy frat boys on their quest for babes and billions is much akin to bad porn before the clothes come off. Throughout the remaining 70 minutes, there are no directing or cinematography choices of merit and the action entails the same experience of hiding from aliens, running from aliens, and someone dying from aliens. Only later in the film, when the crew meets some random extras from The Road Warrior, do real conflicts with aliens occur and we are treated to the lamest explanation of the enemies, ever. SPOILER ALE… fuck it, who cares? The aliens aren’t energy-based creature, they just have force fields that can be disrupted with microwaves. Also, throwing pieces of another wounded alien at them will kill them? Random gaps in logic like that are all over this movie, but without the fun of camp or knowing winks at buffoonery.

There was an idea somewhere in all of this… a good idea… invisible aliens made of energy… why not explore the notion of intangible enemies and how to fight them by manipulating wave-fields? Why not make this a cavalcade of clever ways for these completely foreign beings to wreak havoc and the heroes to outwit them with the skills they possess from their normal lives? Why not just get Bruce Campbell to show up and say funny shit? Nah, let’s just awkwardly wedge Emile Hirsch into the first screenplay someone throws at us. Not worth your time, even ironically. One star.

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