Ace Ace, Baby! Moar Asexual Representation in Games, Please.

It’s time I got brave enough to officially come out in the form of a blog post, internet. My name is Ellen, and I’m a demiromantic asexual. What exactly does that mean? Well, I’ll happily try to explain it! It’s complicated, but I’ll try. Ahem.

I’m sure everyone is aware of that sexual orientation thing. You are defined as straight if you are sexually attracted to the opposite gender, you are defined as gay if you’re sexually attracted to the same gender, and you are defined as bi if you’re sexually attracted to any gender. But what if you aren’t sexually attracted to anyone? No. There’s nothing wrong with you. That, my friends, is defined as being asexual. And it is indeed a valid sexual orientation representing about 1% of the human population. For my whole life I thought I was broken and that something was wrong with me. While talking with a very good friend I finally discovered what asexuality was early this year, at last explaining a whole lot of things about my life so far, and most importantly, showing me I’m not alone in the way I feel about love.

A few months back, I stumbled upon an awesome blog post by Clan Geek where he came out as being asexual and explained what it means. No words to describe how totally shocked I was to discover another blogger in the community is an ace! We decided to do a collaboration for International Asexual Awareness Week (Oct 21-27) and this post is the result. If someone had just told me what asexuality was in my younger days, it would have saved me so much heartache over the years. For crying out loud, I’m almost 30 and just figured out my orientation… But yeah, in an effort to reach out to anyone else out there who feels isolated in this seemingly sex crazed world, I’m more than happy to babble about how I fit into the asexual spectrum.

To be clear, I’m certainly not putting down any other sexual orientations by writing this post. It is never a crime to love another adult in whatever way you both feel is right. And hey, if you enjoy all the sexy themes in media, good for you! Love in all its forms is a beautiful thing. I just want to hammer the point that while sex without love is a widely accepted concept, love without sex does exist in the world too. I want people to see that being asexual is a thing and it’s okay, and it should not be the butt of jokes that it is in most entertainment media. How many times have you seen a virgin being made fun of in a movie, huh? Our world needs so much more love, and a hell of a lot less hatred and intolerance.

Personal Experiences

Asexuality is a very wide and complex spectrum with so many forms of attraction, or no attraction at all. I can’t speak for other aces, but I can explain my own feelings. You know above where I mentioned being demiromantic? I’ll try really hard to explain it now. Basically, sexual and romantic attraction are two different things, that usually align together for people, but not always.

For me, I’ve discovered I can feel very powerful emotional connections to certain people after I’ve gotten to know them really well. A person’s gender qualities and physical “hotness” are not things that matter to me at all, and never have. The best way I can describe it is that I’m attracted to strong souls, not “beautiful” bodies.

And yep, after acting like an ass to many former friends and being completely confused about my feelings for so long, I’ve finally figured out what a crush is in my eyes. If I have a crush on someone, I don’t want to have sex with them or even kiss them. I do want to hug them and think about them constantly. I get a tingly feeling that removes all common sense, and I grin like an idiot whenever I get the glorious opportunity to talk to them. I’d move heaven and earth to help them, wanting nothing more than to just spend as much time with them as possible. My ideal life partner would be just like a super best friend, I guess.

Nope. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before in my life. Having a life partner would be amazing and something I do want, but I refuse to force myself to be someone else just so I don’t die alone. I have, shamefully, done stupid things (literally) in my younger days. I forced myself to do those stupid things because I thought something was wrong with me. I’ll say it again: it is okay to not want to have sex with anyone.

So internet, please try to understand. I’m not being a prude when I say I’d much rather hunt dragons than romance options in Dragon Age Inquisition. And yeah, I was a little hurt when Iron Bull dumped my Inquisitor when she didn’t want to have sex with him. Forgive me if I got super pissed off when I saw a group of marines belittling a member of their group for not wanting to have sex with the asari consort in Mass Effect. I think Lightning Farron from Final Fantasy XIII is perfectly happy not being in a relationship with anyone, and I’d seriously prefer it if you didn’t show me all the ships fans send her off on.

I’m not judging you when I say I don’t want to bang anyone in a BioWare game. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s fun at all. I’m just trying to tell you that sexy time action is something I’m kinda tired of seeing everywhere, and I’m going to avoid it if I can. Power to you if you do enjoy it, though!

Asexual Headcanons

When Clan Geek and I were discussing ideas for this collaboration we realized something that sucks: we couldn’t think of any defined asexual characters in the gaming world. The TV show realm has created a few cool ace characters in shows like BoJack Horseman (which Clan Geek will talk about more in his post) and the UK soap opera Emmerdale. The problem with showing ace characters in games is that if a developer doesn’t come out and tell you they’re asexual, people assume they just haven’t found the right person yet. I’ll fight tooth and nail and pull out a ton of examples to show you why I think that Lightning Farron is asexual, but Square Enix didn’t specifically state that anywhere, did they?

And that’s why headcanons are a wonderful thing! Lightning Farron is my asexual shero no matter how other people see her. While there are no official asexual romances in any BioWare games I’ve played, I’ve certainly developed a crush on a few special characters, even accidentally stumbling upon my ideal life partner in Mass Effect 3.

Alistair from Dragon Age Origins was definitely the first video character I had a real crush on. When I was gushing about him on my old blog, I was exaggerating a lot because I felt weird saying I didn’t really want to kiss him, or drag him off into the tent at camp. Now I’m not ashamed to explain it. By crush on Alistair, I mean I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I see people call him hot all the time, but I’m not sure I really grasp that concept. Personally, I loved his lame jokes, how much he respected my Grey Warden, and I enjoyed every second I spent bashing darkspawn by his side. He will forever and always be my dorky knight man.

The romance option with Jaal in Mass Effect Andromeda surprisingly turned into something I’d be okay with as well. What I liked most about the angaran was his deep thoughts on emotions, how he would do anything to protect his people, and how much he cared about his huge family. When the big sexy time scene part of the relationship arrived, I was thrilled to discover he was perfectly okay with my Ryder saying no thanks to sex, scooping her up in his arms and saying he loves her. I ignored the kiss that happened next, but other than that, awesome! At the end of the game he said he couldn’t wait to start a family with my Ryder. That is definitely something she’d enjoy doing with him!

And then there’s the amazing and wonderful Liara T’Soni in the Mass Effect trilogy. Yeah. I know she has a reputation for, um, throwing herself at Shepard, but I discovered something so magical by declining all the official romance options with her. By the time Mass Effect 3 rolled around, my Shepard and Liara had developed a beautiful close friendship, always having each other backs not matter what horror was befalling the universe. The version of Liara T’Soni that evolved in my game world would be the definition of the life partnership I’ve always wanted to have with someone. I never thought I’d ever find that in a video game. As a bonus, the asari reproduction meld does not actually require any physical contact at all. My Shepard would so love to be the father of Liara’s kids! Liara T’soni is definitely the super best friend of my dreams.

Hey BioWare, it would be really cool if you included an official ace romance option in Dragon Age 4… If for no other reason than to help show others that asexuality is indeed real, and not something any aces should be ashamed of. Seriously, I would love to see defined asexual characters show up in a video game someday. The more representation, the better!

I think that’s more than enough babbling about my sexual orientation for one blog post. I highly recommend that anyone interested in learning more should check out the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). It’s a wonderful community with a goal of educating people about the invisible orientation.

Happy Asexual Awareness Week! I’ll be wearing my black ring with extra pride this week. And anyone of any orientation is more than welcome to join in on all the delicious cake fun. Yummy! True love, in all its beautiful forms, is something that needs to be celebrated far more often in this crazy world of ours.

⚡Thanks for reading!⚡

If for some odd reason you want to read more of my posts, you can find a somewhat organized (and usually up to date) archive of my ramblings… I mean, articles here!

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LightningEllen

I'm a wannabe writer and an avid video gamer with a slight (okay, maybe extreme) Amiibo addiction. I'm from the coastal province of Nova Scotia in Canada, eh. When I'm not gaming, I have a steady job thing I have to go to. It pays for the gaming thing though. :)
View all posts by LightningEllen

It is interesting how our society loves labels even
when they do not fit. In my eyes intimacy is much
more important than fleeting sexual attraction and
being aware of the vast spectrum only helps us
understand ourselves and each other better!

I absolutely love this article, and you’re right- even in the research I’ve been doing on representation in video game, asexuality is nowhere to be explicitly found- which I think is kind of a shame. Lightning certainly falls under that sexuality in my headspace, though, so you’re not alone there. 🙂

Given that I’ve only spoken to a small handful of people who identify as asexual, I’m glad to see more awareness coming around! Thank you for the link, too, and if I find anything else in my studies, I’ll let you know!

I’m glad that discovering your orientation helped you to become more accepting of it and, by extension, yourself. It’s so valuable to get this kind of knowledge out there – the more we understand about sexuality and gender, the more people will be able to identify what works for them and can lead the lifestyle that’s most fulfilling for them.

I don’t date anyone as I find dating tedious. All this relationship stuff isn’t for me. Unless it’s, like, Wario or something. I’d date him. Plus, I’d date Link. I like Link. Link has a Link to the past.

Don’t feel too bad about not figuring it out until you were thirty. I’m almost forty and I JUST figured my nonsense out…well the orientation nonsense. I have so much more nonsense to work on 😀 YES, there needs to be more Ace rep in media especially interactive media like video games. I also like when they make it blatant instead of just queer bating. Disney is SO guilty of this especially with same sex relationships (Finn and Poe). They give you enough to make you wonder, but don’t go all for it to not “alienate” certain sentiments. Bah. I’d love to see more characters like Todd who are unequivocally Ace.

I have so much other nonsense I still need to sort out, haha. Thanks! Sometimes they really should make it blatant if for no other reason than to show narrow-minded people that different forms of love exist and they’re just gonna have to accept that.

I remember when I thought adults had it allll figured out lol. It’s so funny to think that when I was younger and they were my age, they were just as out of it as I am, BUT it was kind of worse because no one really talked about it! At least now we all basically know none of us have a clue what we’re doing :p

It’s like I was saying to day because I got into an internet argument (oops). I used to get SO frustrated because I’d think, “If I can only frame this correctly, this person will start to see things from another point of view,” and I’d get upset at myself for not being able to do it. Then I realized that there are people who are not going to care how coherent, compassionate, or rational your arguments are. They don’t care about that, and now that I’ve kind of come to terms with that, I beat myself up less. I’ll still negate things for someone who might read the argument later, but I’m not longer in, “I MUST PERSUADE THIS ASSHOLE” mode.

Ugh… some people. I can’t tolerate people who are blindly intolerant. And you’re right it is impossible to change someone’s opinion if they’re stuck on it. Assholes need to be ignored, or be on the receiving end of a good ol’ Snow Punch 😛

Solid and relevant post! I’ve always considered myself a proponent of common sense and I think it is a great policy for people to sort themselves out thoroughly and to understand exactly what it is they want or need or want out of relationships before agreeing to be in one, of any sort. This knowledge can save a person quite a bit of heartache I believe, unfortunately I don’t think many people put enough time into these types of thoughts until they are much older and have already invested too much time into a relationship they suddenly realize is something they never truly wanted to begin with. Society holds a lot of the blame for this perception that we must all fit a certain mold, or else face the consequences of being looked down upon.

While I may be a straight, white male (arguably the best dice you can role in the “American” game of life), I’ve known since I was teen that I am attracted to black women. Here in the Southern United States, being in a mix race relationship can still get you into some sticky situations if you aren’t careful. Society here in the South would have me stick to my own race (and sex, obviously). This is why it is important for people to stick their finger right into society’s eyes. Force society to see you and your differences until the edges of society are so blended that no one notices if you are same sex, mix race, or consider yourself an Ace, as you say.

Anyway, apologies if I seem to be ranting, just want to toss my support and understanding behind your post. 👍

Thank you and very well said!! Love is love and its many forms should be celebrated not hated on. I wish people, and society at large, weren’t such jerks about that. 😦 Gotta keep following your heart though, and hopefully society will continue to improve.

Oh I hear ya on the phone thing… I could go off on a rant about auto-correct, haha.

Great post! I admire you for putting yourself out there in such an open, honest way! You should never be ashamed for the way you feel (or don’t feel)… love is love, no matter what! I am sure you will find your life partner someday!!! 😉

Just when I think I’ve got the world figured out, something new always comes along. As an old guy, my inclination is to shake my fist at you for confusing and scaring me. As someone who’s seen a lot of people marginalized during my lifetime, my inclination is to say, “Good for you”.