I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”

At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”

That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diemdoesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here’s what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

[…] And I wasn’t alone. “My favourite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least,” Glennon Doyle Melton wrote on her famous blog Momastery. […]

[…] All in all, the picture summarizes these 100 days. No one cares if you don’t go to the party – FOMO left my vocabulary. I love my alone time; I love being fully present and chasing natural highs – kairos time. […]

[…] one from a very interesting woman called Gleenon Doyle Melton (great name) who wrote about the difficulty of enjoying every minute of her young baba’s lives on her website Momastery. I found her on a podcast […]

[…] readers to promote posts on their own social media accounts, Doyle Melton published an essay titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” In it, she recounted the near-daily exchanges she had with older women who saw her with her young […]

[…] readers to promote posts on their own social media accounts, Doyle Melton published an essay titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” In it, she recounted the near-daily exchanges she had with older women who saw her with her young […]

[…] readers to promote posts on their own social media accounts, Doyle Melton published an essay titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” In it, she recounted the near-daily exchanges she had with older women who saw her with her young […]

I came across your blog through reading on MSN. I must say THANK YOU!!! I am a divorced Mom of two little boys (4 & 7) and literally will not leave my house due to them at times acting out in public and cause me severe anxiety. I left my husband last April due to mostly emotional abuse and some physical. I do not want my boys to think that that is ok. I left (feel like I lost) my house of 10 years, my job of 10 years (started a new job that was full time) and had to start completely fresh with my two little boys. Here it is a year + later and I have bought my own house by myself, a new vehicle by myself due to my other one not being safe. Still at my Full time job. BUT the last 6 + years and moving forward has eaten away at ME. I too had and still deal with at times an eating disorder. I feel like I will never be happy again. I’ve also been told to be happy they are only little once….UGH… I try to not be so negative but there are times where I all can do is just CRY. I’ve been drinking more…. NOW we have changed the custody to 7 on and 7 off and I can barely make it through my week off…. This is not how I pictured my life. Can’t help feel “what did I do so wrong to deserve this”. I’m going to start reading your blog if anything to not feel so alone. I keep to myself I don’t get out or want to but then I sit home drink by myself and feel sorry for myself. I have many hobbies, I’ve ran many marathons, cycle, mountain bike, hike, crafts but nothing is appealing to me anymore…
There is so much more to my story and for the way I am. My oldest son is an epileptic I was told at one point he would not live past 10 years of age. 3 years later he is seizure free and doing awesome. but its still there in my head FOREVER….
at any rate, thanks for reading if you do or maybe just nice to type some of this out…

I can’t imagine what you must be feeling. Please know that you will make it and you will be happy again. It’s hard to imagine but all is not lost. You survived all those years and you will survive again. I’m a Psychologist and coach for women so I know you’re not alone in this struggle. Please find someone to talk to, who will support you as you rise out of this. Take care and keep going.

When your child is born you think and hope everyone will find out how special your child is. But, as life goes on, your child hits puberty and they don’t feel love or anything special about themselves because they have developed a chronic illness . Severe depression takes away any carpe diem. All you wish for is that carefree child that was so silly and happy. The light is never bright for them anymore. You try to figure out what you should hope and pray for. Maybe carpe diem or kairos.

[…] readers to promote posts on their own social media accounts, Doyle Melton published an essay titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” In it, she recounted the near-daily exchanges she had with older women who saw her with her young […]

[…] When I was a brand new mom; I came across an article written by Glennon Doyle Melton titled “Don’t Carpe Diem“. I resonated with Glennon’s ,message that it was ok to not enjoy every single moment […]

[…] that anticipates needs and does the dirty work and forgets to enjoy the moment (also, please see Glennon Doyle Melton on why not enjoying the moment is OK too). This is really not a new concept; I would bet there […]

[…] fabulous community Momastery, talks about the two different kinds of time that we all experience: Chronos and Kairos. Kairos is that perfect moment when the kids are sleeping and you feel wonderful and you’re […]

[…] Several years ago I was going through a really difficult time adjusting to new motherhood. I read a post by Glennon Melton Doyle. She’s a pretty famous “mom blogger” turned author, motivational speaker. Yeah. Everyone knows who she is. But, back then, I didn’t know who she was. I just knew that she wrote something that helped me accept myself more. It was a post called, “Don’t Carpe Diem” […]

[…] getting up and other days I feel like I can live 10 years in an hour. It reminds me of one of my favourite parenting blog posts of all time by Glennon Doyle Melton. It always makes me feel a little better about myself on days […]

[…] This post on Not Carpe Diem-ing is one I’ve read, oh about, three hundred times. If you’ve ever had someone tell you to “Enjoy every moment” of raising your children while the children are simultaneously wreaking havoc, this one’s for you: see it here […]

[…] when the timer is counting down. This turned out to be important because her first viral post (“Don’t Carpe Diem”) was something she probably wouldn’t have put out there if she didn’t have that commitment. […]

I just listened to your interview with Rob Bell, and when you spoke of this post I immediately looked it up. Reading this post after a weekend with a sick toddler, a baby that is quickly turning into a pistol, and a husband away at work … well, reading this is a moment of Kairos in itself.

I call this “gramma-itis”. However, I AM a gramma and I remember how hard it all was. And exhausting. I’m very thankful for my five kids and love them dearly but make no mistake I did not cherish every moment.

We don’t own them. We have them for a short time. We have a duty to teach, train, and love them. There is a certain joy in all of it. Each stage is challenging & rewarding. I miss my big kids being teens. I don’t miss them being toddlers, although I loved that stage, too. I look forward with them to when they have their own families. Lord willing I can be there for that.

Wow, wow, WOW!!!! You just took my breath away with this article.
You framed it all SOOOO well. And I don’t even have kids! Not yet. But I think you just helped clarify, soothe and tip me over the edge into motherhood….!!!! Thank you!

[…] the adult, though, there is so much pressure to squeeze in all of that goodness for our children. And in the era of Pinterest and Instagram, we are now acutely aware of how much better and greater […]

My fiancé/baby momma sent me this article. I really enjoyed it! Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and open heart with us. You being you, actually gives me even more permission to accept things the way they are, as perfection.

My favorite part of this article:

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”

[…] moments during our everyday lives in which we see Him at work or feel particularly loved (read Don’t Carpe Diem for more on kairos). We were also reminded that He wants to finish the good work that He began in […]

[…] The world is tragic and beautiful and if it moves tears from your eyes, so be it. Perhaps its the first step towards change, or involvement. Maybe your tears are guiding you towards a calling or a moment of calling, or a few kairos to seize today. […]

[…] a blog post that went viral a couple of years ago—you may remember it. It’s called “Don’t Carpe Diem” by Glennon Melton of Momastery. In it, Glennon talks about how we’re under so much pressure as parents to seize the day and […]

[…] went to my therapist because of the feelings I had and she shared an amazing poem and a blog “Don’t Carpe Diem.” It helped me to feel normal and to release some of the guilt I had been experiencing. Not […]

Great post, thanks☺
While it’s not possible to love every minute, I always remind myself I would happily do it all again for how wonderful it is, even on the hardest and most chaotic of days days – and they are many! I think of a common nighttime prayer of mine – “……and thank you God that this day is over – AMEN!” As the saying goes, the days are long, but the years are short. Just keep swimming, fellow love rebels!

Oh my goodness. You took the words right out of my mouth. THANK YOU for this post. Thank you for being real and transparent and honest and all the other words that mean the same thing 😉 God bless the Kairos moments!!

Just re-read this for the umpteenth time. Yes, still yes. Life is loooooong sometimes and this is still such a good reminder that while it’s true that it’s long, it’s also short and full of good moments. Oh G, come sit on my couch and remind me of this daily

[…] a fantastic new word that I learned while reading an article that my friend shared called, “Don’t Carpe Diem” written by Glennon Melton of momastery.com. A hilarious and heart-warming read for new and […]

My comment seeing this from a grandparents eyes is…Maybe those people who tell you to enjoy every moment of you children’s growing are are doing two things….trying to tell you to be more relaxed when your kids are just being kids….even when the situation is embarrassing, or/and annoying, or downright upsetting. They likely know that even the things that make you haul you hair out today, will in the years when your kids are grown, be what brings a smile to your face and puts joy in your hearts. Once the stress of raising your little ones is past, you will see those days with new eyes…..Maybe they understand you need to rant and be upset today but they want you to know “that this too shall pass”. And really are giving you permission to do this and realize that someday in the not to distant future you will realize that this time does pass way to quickly.

Thank you so much for speaking at WOF in Philly. Your message was something that I greatly needed to hear. I have a 14 month old daughter and while I love her beyond words, parenting is harder than I ever imagined and I don’t love every second of it. I’ve been worried that I’m doing it wrong but listening to you speak this weekend brought peace to my soul. Thank you for being real and transparent. Your comment about sistering will also stay with me. I’m praying to find those women in my life and to be this for others.

Just heard you speak for the first time at the Women of Faith conference in Philadelphia,Pa ! You are a phenomenal women !! You brought tears to my eyes and laughter to my soul! This blog was amazing. You truly are a women of Faith. I look forward to following you from here on out !!

[…] P.S. This is my new favorite writer and blogger. She’s not new to the world, but she’s new to me. Bless her messed up life and her open heart and gorgeous writing. This post made me feel like I was perfect in my skin. Do yourself a favor and read it now: Don’t Carpe Diem. […]

Life is not measured in the number of breaths we take but rather in the moments that take our breath away…every beautiful, hideous, relaxing and exhausting moment. Life…kairos! Great, thoughtful piece. Thanks!

Thanks so much for writing this post. …i so needed to read something like this. I will go to bed tonight saying kairos!
Thankyou for being honest and real and reminding us how lucky we really are.
Hugs to you fellow hardworking mumma.

Thank you so much for this article.. I am very new mom, it’s our 19th day together with my little boy and I’ve been feeling extremely guilty about “not enjoying every moment”.. Especially when my husband seems to be doing it so easily and I am still struggling between soreness in my body, sleep deprivation and getting used to the fact that being a new mom isn’t as easy as being pregnant ( I had enjoyed my pregnancy very much, even remember the compulsory one month bed-rest in the first trimester with a smile..)

In short, thank you for introducing me to the concept of Kairos, i will start with cherishing my one little Kairos each day and being proud of my son and myself 🙂

I laughed the entire way through this post. I’m pretty sure it’s the best thing I’ve read ALL week, month, year, whatever. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Because I definitely have wanted to throw ladies like that off the mountain. Actually, I’ve also wanted to throw my husband off the mountain on occasion. I feel like this lovely piece of yours enriched my life so much that you could qualify as my new best friend. I feel better about my motherhood after that. Thank you SO MUCH! Warrior on. (Also, I hope you don’t mind, I’m sharing this post EVERYWHERE. I will plaster the internet with it.)
Much love,
Shana

Shana, I can totally relate to your commenting that your husband does this, too. Haha! It’s bad enough when a stranger does it but when your husband makes you feel like the worst mother because you wanted to run away after a trip home at the end of the day with two screaming and fighting kids the whole way, it’s worse. The kairos moment in that is he survived the day! HAHA!

I have been a mom for over 20 years. My oldest is 22, my youngest 3. 7 kids in total.
In my own experience, it doesn’t matter how much you ‘hold on to’ or ‘enjoy’ the moments. When your kids leave home, it feels like someone steals that time away. Like a robbery has occurred. That time is suddenly gone, and for me the reality hit:
We don’t own them. We have them for a short time. We have a duty to teach, train, and love them. There is a certain joy in all of it. Each stage is challenging & rewarding. I miss my big kids being teens. I don’t miss them being toddlers, although I loved that stage, too. I look forward with them to when they have their own families. Lord willing I can be there for that.

Thank you so much for this. It is really helping me to not beat myself up for getting discouraged about parenting and to actually enjoy my kids so much more. I noticed when I started seizing those rare moments those moments actually increased! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You gave me a Kairos moment by sharing this post. Since my son was 4 months old, I have found myself wishing for the day he turns 18 (he is 12 now… six years to go). The guilt has plagued me at times, but I am thankful that today, I can be honest. And through honesty, perhaps I can enjoy just one more day sober. Thanks for your transparency – I got a ‘soul rub’ because of it.

I followed a link to your page, this post from a christianitytoday.com article and I am so thankful! With tears streaming, I cannot thank you enough for getting MY thoughts out of my head and putting them into words. It was a choice for this Momma to stay home too (Nearly 10 year career in education). I am struggling to enjoy the moments with my 3 little gems 6 and under. My world will be a better place because of this post. Thank you G.

[…] one of those Kairos moments with each of them — because time really does pass too fast! ((This article is one of my favorites on motherhood. It explains much of how I feel, and it makes me laugh […]

[…] now and enjoy each moment because they are often so fleeting. If you haven’t read the article Don’t Carpe Diem by Glennon Melton, I highly recommend it. I love how she talks about finding the brief moments in […]

G, I loved this 3 years ago and I still love it today. My boys are now 9 & 11 and your words resonate today, just like then. I searched out this post this morning so I can share it with a struggling mom. She needs permission right now to rant about how hard parenting is right now, today, in her season of little sleep and no breaks. She loves and cherishes her girls but right now, all is brutiful. Thank you G for your mission of truth-telling and lifting up of all the sisters, and the brothers. The world is better because you are in it. Warrior on!