Aladdin gets Miss America, Vegas rubs its lamps

Jan 15, 2006

LAS VEGAS -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Miss America Pageant will be broadcast Saturday from its new home in the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas. It's weird to see something this wholesome in Las Vegas. On the Clark County courthouse lawn they have a statue of Bugsy the Lawgiver.

Brad Pitt confirmed news reports Thursday that his girlfriend Angelina Jolie is pregnant with his child. He wanted to end all the rumors. Every few days he gets a call from Tom Cruise asking him if he'd like to do a cowboy movie together.

Pat Robertson apologized to Israel for saying that Ariel Sharon was stricken as punishment for giving up God's land. The televangelist is really at a career crossroads. He should either stop pretending to be God or pour Seattle on Oklahoma.

Wal-Mart was targeted by a new law in Maryland Friday aiming to force the store to spend more money on health care and hospitalization coverage for Wal-Mart workers. It's not necessary. Only the healthiest ones survive the walk across the Sonoran Desert.

San Quentin prison guards in California used batons and pepper spray to halt a violent riot by Hispanic prisoners Friday. Officials said it was caused by an incident of disrespect in the dining hall. The national anthem is not for everybody.

Iran defied U.S. and British threats and resumed nuclear research Tuesday. The nuclear labs are so deep underground they may be impenetrable by air strikes. Dick Cheney just put up a help-wanted sign in West Virginia for anyone who doesn't think coal mining is dangerous enough.

President Bush met with German Chancellor Angela Merkel Friday at the White House. The Germans have cast their lot with the Americans and British against Iran. To face a more warlike cast of characters Iran would have to play video games.

Merkel asked President Bush to close Guantanamo Bay prison but he flatly refused. Still, it's progress. In the century since Bismarck forged Germany into one nation it's the first time they ever got to be the good cop.

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner warned Wall Street analysts Friday of higher costs in automobile production. The price of airbags is going up. Every time a congressman gets indicted for consorting with lobbyists, there's one less on the market.

Senator Bill Frist offered lobby reform legislation Friday to try to restore the public's trust in Congress. It may be too late. The Kansas school board just voted to change their civics textbooks to read that good government is only a theory.

U.S. Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito ended after a week of testimony Friday. It was emotional.

The only thing that could match the love between Sam Alito and his wife was the love between Joe Biden and his voice.

Senator Teddy Kennedy said he will publish a children's book co-written by his Portuguese Water Dog whose name is Splash. Democrats are mortified. It's just one more reminder that if Ted Kennedy had driven a Volkswagen Beetle he'd be president today.

The Washington Post said Marion Barry tested positive for cocaine again last week. The legendary city councilman demanded the test. Marion Barry is about to enter the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest elected cocaine addict in history.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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