1000 ways to die

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

You are in a casino, wearing a expensive Armani suit. You are led towards a roulette table by a saucy temptress who entices you to have a flutter at the table. You decide 'why the hell not' and start to bet, it starts of well and soon you have made a fairly substantial profit but slowly your luck starts to turn and you start to lose not only you profit but all the money you came in with. Desperate you win back your money you place all of your remaining chips on lucky 7 red, you put everything you have on this bet including your watch and your car and watch in anticipation as the wheel starts to spin. Round and round the ball goes and it seems to have stopped on No.7, but as you start to celebrate it moves just one to the right and you watch in despair as all of your money, your watch and your car are taken by the casino. You are not very content with this outcome and begin to argue with the manager, as your discussion becomes progressively more heated you start to threaten the manager with physical violence and fearing for his life he calls security. Suddenly as if from nowhere the security guard appears and he is not what you expected, you were expecting a balding mountain of muscle but instead you are confronted by an aging man who looks vaguely familiar, suddenly it hits you, this security guard is Sean Connery. Exchanging a nod with the manager he advances towards you and with a speed you were not expecting he lifts you up, high above his head and brings you crashing down on his knee, severing you spinal cord killing you almost instantly, the last thing you see and hear is Sean looking down on you shouting 'The names Bond, James Bond'

Monday, 6 June 2011

Slowly, as you awake you attempt to stretch out your fingers but for some reason you find that you cannot. Panicking you try harder and harder to stretch you fingers but it is still impossible. You jolt fully awake and look down at your hand, you gasp in horror as you hand and arm have been transformed into a long rectangle, looking across your body you realize that your entire body has now been turned into squares and rectangles. Screaming, you get up and start to run, you don't know where you are and you don't know where you're going but you keep running. Eventually you slow down and take stock of your surroundings and see that the entire world has been transformed into a land of blocks. You see a person in the distance and decide to ask them just what the hell is going on. As you get closer you realize it is a person but in a very loose sense of the word, as you near you see he is green, has four legs and is making a hissing sound. 'Hullo there' you call and he looks at you, as he walks towards you not saying a word you say again 'hullo there'. Still saying nothing he now stands right beside you as the hissing gets louder, as you start to formulate a new question the hissing reaches and crescendo and he explodes propelling your body into a nearby tree breaking your back and making you drown in you own blood.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

As you are walking through a forest you see an injured squirrel, being a curious type of person you walk over to investigate. As you near the squirrel suddenly sits bolt upright and lets out a piercing squeal. Almost instantly you are surrounded by hundreds upon hundreds of other squirrels who proceed to bombard you with all manner of nuts until you are just a bloodied carcass laying on the ground now devoid of life due to the unmerciful pummeling of nuts.