The Pseudo-Republican and the Pseudo-Investigation

Flake flaked. Big surprise. The senator from Arizona is a joke. But wait, there’s more. Now the party that promotes the rule of law is a complete joke, too. Republicans have endorsed a pseudo-criminal investigation by the FBI in order to placate the Democrats. Sure, it sounds perfectly reasonable: we need just one more week to investigate new allegations against Judge Brett Kavanaugh ahead of a Senate vote on his appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court.

But wait! The Senate Judiciary Committee already investigated the allegations. Not good enough. We need the incorruptible (ahem) FBI to do to it.

But wait again! The FBI has no jurisdiction to investigate these allegations. They do not involve a federal crime. Also, it isn’t as if any evidence exists to justify a criminal investigation—you know, “probable cause” and all that.

Aha! We’ll call it a “supplemental background check.” Doesn’t that sound nice? The seventh or something, but who’s counting? This is completely within the FBI’s purview. All justices go through multiple background checks and committee investigations when they are nominated, right? “We, the people” are entitled to look until we find something—anything. There must be something there. Can’t we look until we find it?

Oh, that’s not how investigations work? Really? Seems strange, given Robert Mueller’s investigation into “Russian collusion.” Didn’t some communist thug once say, “Show me the man, and I’ll show you the crime?” Evidently, we can use that in “free countries,” too.

And so here were are. The FBI is to conduct a pseudo-criminal investigation into allegations under the guise of a background check. If it were just a background check, the obvious answer to Flake’s request would be: “We already got one.” Background checks involve voluntary testimony by people not at risk of criminal prosecution because no crimes have been alleged. The FBI has already conducted such a background check and they already have all of the voluntary testimony necessary pertaining to the accusers. So what Flake is asking for—further investigation—isn’t a background check.

Mitt Romney, the joke of 2012, makes it clear: “I support the decision to re-open the FBI background investigation into the allegations made by Dr. Ford.” That’s right—a background check into criminal allegations. It isn’t a criminal investigation because it can’t be. The FBI has no jurisdiction because nobody is alleging a federal crime occurred. But it is an investigation born of allegations of criminal conduct, so…

what could go wrong? Who cares if the alleged crime is unprovable? It isn’t as if it will legitimize these tactics or undermine the rule of law. And who cares if the FBI becomes the investigative arm of the Democrat-media-resistance complex after the minority party delays exposing allegations in an obvious political ploy? Smears, schmears.

It isn’t as if the FBI might be a hyperpartisan, left-leaning cesspool of corruption and incompetence. They would never allow themselves to be used by one political party in this way, facilitating opposition research and trying to influence or undo elections. They would never engage in an endless and boundless investigation meant to delegitimize a constitutionally elected government. Everyone is definitely safe from prosecution for trivial process crimes found in an investigation into a noncrime. It isn’t as if the FBI is a joke.

Oh, wait.

President Trump seems have run out of momentum, so he seems unable to do anything but go along with the joke. On a day when he signed a joke of a budget (nicely called a “minibus”) to once again kick the can down the road on both fiscal responsibility and border security, why wouldn’t he?

This is one of those times when the libertarian wing of the conservative fusionists ought to be fired up. You would think they would be against federal agents harassing citizens and wasting federal dollars on such flimsy allegations. But they aren’t, because libertarians are a joke, too.

Maybe the conservatives might be more concerned about conserving decency and all those norms they whine about. But they aren’t, because conservatism is a joke.

The “preencipled” NeverTrumpers are cool with all of this, too, because their only principle right now is NeverTrump. If you thought they cared about the Constitution or the rule of law, forget about it. They are a joke.

Lindsey Graham, who for a brief moment was actually sort of like Spartacus, is back to being Lindsey Grahamnesty. On Thursday, he was the man of the senate. By Friday, he was back to being one of the “women of the senate.” He just shrugs his shoulders at the thought of protecting the sovereign law of We the People. As long as Jeff Flake feels good, we should feel good, right? He’s a joke.

And now the Fourth Amendment is a joke. This is straight out of 1984. The government can investigate whomever and whatever it wants. No crime necessary. No probable cause. No jurisdiction. No justification. Just because—because it feels important. Don’t worry; it will be dressed up as something legitimate for your comfort.

The joke is on us—the American people. But let’s see who gets the last laugh.

There are no good options, but there is one option for revenge. Republicans don’t want to remain in power, because being in power is hard. Sometimes little girls corner grown men in elevators and yell at them when Republicans are in power. Sometimes Republicans have to produce actual results.

So that should be the final joke. Don’t stay home in November. Send these pathetic jokers back to Washington to face the music. Make them pay the price for their own weakness. The Left owns Washington, D.C., so send them back into the swamp to wallow and drown. They can drain it or die. It is a prison of their own making.

In one sense there is a silver lining: we are out of legal realm now. Everything is politics—everything is about elections. There are no norms in this world. It is almost a state of nature—right there on the edge of the state of war. It’s “join or die.” The Republicans, as weak and stupid as they are, are our gladiators in the arena. Sigh. So be it. Let’s treat them like the miserable, expendable “warriors” that they are.

This is a cold civil war and only one side will make it out of this alive if anyone does at all. At least we all know it now. A cold fury is as good a source of public spiritedness as anything. Grab ahold of what you are feeling right now and put it to work. Direct it toward winning.

Right now everything seems like a joke. But if it isn’t funny, at least we might get a nice taste of schadenfreude by keeping the Republicans in power. No one will be laughing if the Democrats regain power, but by electing Republicans, as pathetic as they are, we might have the last laugh.