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All the Single Ladies

I am single. Unattached. Independent. I am (insert your preferred euphemism here) and pretty darn happy about it. I live alone. I come and go as I please. I answer to no one and no one answers to me. I have said this before but it bears repeating – being a single woman in Prague is no picnic. There is a lack of men for a woman such as myself who holds on to some pretty high standards. I am very picky about who I date. (Hell, I am picky about who I become friends with much less who gets to see me naked.) At any rate, I have not only gotten used to it – I like it.

This is not to say I don’t like being in a relationship. That’s fine too. As long as it’s with the right guy at the right time and I am the right girl… ugh. Too complicated. Relationships are a pain in the ass, and unless you are ready to say, “Yeah I’m gonna love you even when you are acting like an asshole” and actually MEAN IT, then you probably shouldn’t be in one.

In the world of relationships guys usually get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. They get blamed for everything. They get yelled at, manipulated, stereotyped and complained about ad nauseam. For every guy out there reading this who thinks their wife or girlfriend complains about him to her pals, you are right. Just take what you think she says and multiply it by about 200 and you’ll be close. And most of it ain’t nice, if it is true at all. Women are cold-hearted and mean. But why?

The fairer sex spends a lot of time and energy on men. When we (and I use the Royal WE here) are single, we talk about how much we want a guy. We talk about what he could look like, and how great he will treat us. We talk about the great sex we will have and how much we will love him. We talk about his cute butt, or the way his eyes light up when he sees us. I never hear my single friends talking about the guy they hope to find and emasculate in public whenever they get the chance. I never hear chicks sitting around talking about how they can’t wait to find a guy so that they can complain about his lack of ambition or choice of shoes. Single girls romantisize men to the point that it is humorous. If the guy they were talking about did exist, he would leave after the first month when she (we) showed her true colors.

I saw a list on Cosmo.com about “How to be a Good Girlfriend” and it shed some light on why some women act like such idiots. The list included things like, “Like what he does… but not too much”. What? The suggestion was if he liked football to sit and watch with him. But, when doing so not to get too excited during the game because he would find it a turn off. Women were also encouraged to leave articles of clothing at HIS place as reminders of themselves and to flirt with other men in public because men like to hunt and protect. Basically Cosmo wants you to lie about who you are as much as possible because there is no possible way a man will like you the way you are.

So ladies, I would like to offer some suggestions of my own on how to be a good girlfriend. Of course, take it with a grain of salt as I am single, old and divorced – but still. I might have some good insight for you. Or you can just tell me to go to hell.

Don’t listen to anything you ever read in Cosmo.

Don’t flirt with or take drinks from other guys in front of (or behind) your man. It’s not cool.

Don’t treat him like your slave or your puppy. He’s your fella. He won’t put up with it, and if he does you’ll just dump him for being spineless. So don’t be a jerk. Treat him like you like him.

Before complaining about him leaving his socks on the floor or whatever, try to think of at least one nice thing to say about him. It might stop you from sounding like a bitch. You gotta know he probably doesn’t talk that way about you.

Don’t try and change him. You KNOW you wouldn’t put up with him telling you how to dress or do your hair, so give him the same courtesy. Like him for who he is, even if who he is has on goofy pants.

Be nice. Not easy all the time, but it sure as hell is easier than fighting. This means don’t boss him around in private or public. Don’t yell for no reason. And don’t lie.

And that’s it. And yes, I know it goes both ways, so don’t start saying I am sexist. I have been used and manipulated with the best of them. But, I just thought the men of the world could use a break and know that at least one woman out there is on their side. Most of the time. You know, as long as they are not drunk and watching football.