I realize we're barely halfway through the second month of the year, but so far the gig scene here has really been on the ball-sucking side of things, and I am afraid it is going to continue. I mean, maybe you have worse taste than I do (likely), and you've been to a gig you liked. Well, lucky you're so easy to please. People like myself are left to sit around at home and watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" DVDs.

First up is the gig of the fortnight. Or at least it would be, if it wasn't a 2,000 euro a head charity ball: DAVID BOWIE, COURTNEY LOVE and Britpop dorks RAZORLIGHT are set to perform at some model's pet charity function, THE LOVE BALL (February 14, 19:00, Tsaritsino). Hey, if you can afford it, seeing Bowie perform at a classic Russian estate will be pretty cool. Maybe Love will do something stupid and, well, you can always throw your mayo salad at Razorlight. In case you're wondering what the charity does, they build parks for children. All this from a model who is proud that her daughter's first words were "tufli" (shoes).

For those of you whose Valentine's Day budget runs more towards 2,000 rubles, hugely popular local indie band EVERYTHING IS MADE IN CHINA (February 14, 16 Tons, 22:00) promises some songs for the lovers. They claim to be experimental, but I thought they sounded like pretty standard indie rock the time I saw them. I guess if you're not a flaming homo prancing around lip-synching, you're experimental here.

Remember that crappy Internet meme that you no doubt had sent to you, with some retard named TAY ZONDAY singing a horrible song very seriously? Russia's version of Zonday is PETER NALITCH (February 15, Ikra, 21:00), who Youtube'd his way to fame with his song "Gitara," sung in horrible English and having something to do with jaguars. In further proof that Russians might "get" irony, this gig is sold out.

If you want proof, however, that Russians just have horrible musical taste, look no further than New York's one-hit wonders FUN LOVIN' CRIMINALS (February 15, B1 Maximum, 21:00), who are back for their second or third visit, and really have no reason to exist anymore.

It's been awhile since we've caught up with the eXile's old friend DELFIN (February 16, Apelsin, 21:00), and he's moved away from his more traditional Russian hip-hop roots and has begun experimenting more with sounds. Hell, his last album was almost synthpoppy at times. In any case, this is his first Moscow gig in over six months, so it should be packed. Hell, some people are even comparing his style to somewhere between TRENT REZNOR and SAUL WILLIAMS.

I'm not going to pretend to know a lot about Dutch metal band WITHIN TEMPTATION (February 17, Ten, 19:00), but I can tell you they used to play gothic metal, and now play symphonic metal. I'm sure that if you know the difference, you've already got your ticket.

Not that I really care, but noted Canadian "deathcore" band DESPISED ICON (February 18, Tochka, 19:00) are touring through town with American death metal band MISERY INDEX and locals ABOMINABLE PUTRIDITY.

The first-ever Christian punk band I heard was MXPX (February 19, Tochka, 19:00). They've since tried to move away from their Jesus-core roots, but that doesn't change the fact that they suck. Local punk stalwarts TARAKNY are opening for some reason.

You know, it must really suck to have once been the singer of British metal kings IRON MAIDEN, only to get thrown out after two albums for drinking too much, and then ending up playing a small, shitty club in Moscow, while your former bandmates still sell out stadiums (or at least larger shitty clubs) on their cash-cow reunion tours. But such is the life of PAUL DI'ANNO (February 22, Plan B, 19:00), reduced to playing with local hacks like ANJ, BARSA and ORAKUL.

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday EditorialThe future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic CopsAutomotive SectionWe’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible JourneyFeature Story By The eXileGood Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters[SIC!]Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through TimeClub Review By Dmitriy BabooshkaeXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight SpinBardak Calendar By Jared LindquistJared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters[SIC!]Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst PollutersAmerica By Eileen JonesEverybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...