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Topic: "I don't want to calm down!" (Read 13688 times)

Sorry to sort of derail the thread. Son is being a twit, no doubt about it. We are walking a fine line with him, and he is seeking professional help.

He was accepted into an excellent university, so therefore knows everything, enough that since he does not like class Y, he decides he does not have to turn in a certain major paper.

Yeah, he tanked his chance at valedictorian with that one.

And, he has not been applying for scholarships, because, "money is not important. Besides, I will get a good job when I graduate." He is a National Merit Finalist, but that will only scratch the surface for his tuition.

I HATE what he has been doing to himself. But he is 18, and almost fully cooked. He can cook, do laundry, and even basic sewing, and he behaves great in public, I get rave reviews from him at church, and surprisingly, even from the teacher whose class he does not like.

Still, his telling me to "calm down" was maddening.

bopper nailed it.

TEENS.Can't live with them, can't kill them.

I certainly hope that with that attitude on money and scholarships, he's paying his own way. Sounds to me that it's high time that legal adult starts self supporting and getting rid of the too big for his britches attitude. You realize you don't actually have to tolerate that, right? He's an adult, let him sort his own situation if he can't be a minimum of respectful.

When my kids are really upset and crying their heads off about something, the best technique is to distract them. Obviously these aren't little kids, but I wonder if distraction might possibly help? What if you told them you needed to take down all the details, and then you had them go through this or that (bonus points if you require plenty of "boring" details, like name of student, class, instructor, date that the class meets, etc.). They'll probably be agitated at points, but going through it all and feeling like you are taking it seriously might help some with the calming down. I don't know if this would work, or if spending more time on the student/asking these details would be outside your job description, but just an idea.

Reminds me of the sign "Teens, quick, move out, get a job, your own place and pay your own bills now, while you still think you know everything!"

I have that framed quote in my kitchen right now!

I also have a plaque that says, "mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young."

(Yes, he is paying his own way for college.)

As for the upset student that started this topic, keep it simple. too much sympathy could be seen as empathetic. MommyPenguin had good ideas. fact gathering, to engage the brain, while emotions settle.

"Mary" came to the lobby almost in tears because she had a conflict with an instuctor and felt she had been treated unjustly. As always, I tried to be soothing and told her I would find the appropriate person for her to talk to. She continued to stand over my desk and carry on about it, getting herself more tearful and worked up as she spoke. I gently suggested she have a seat and try to calm down a little while we waited for her advisor to come to the lobby to get her. "But I don't want to calm down! I'm angry and I want to be angry! This needs to be dealt with!" and so on.. you get the gist. She was filled with righteous indignation and wanted to keep that head of steam going until she got whatever would satisfy her sense of justice. *Note-I have no idea who was right/wrong here or if the instructor really did do anything wrong or unjust. But that is the student's perception of the situation and that is what matters in the moment.*

I can't ask her to leave and come back when the advisor is ready; the last thing we want is for a student to feel they are not being taken seriously and decide to withdraw and go elsewhere. Nor do we want someone tearful and angry carrying on in the lobby where potential students are getting their first impression of the school, either. It's a catch 22. If I could, I would put her in a separate office/room to wait, but space doesn't allow for that.

How would you suggest handling this?

There should be a small questionaire that the student's fill out with spaces for "Student name, student's contact info, course name, time and day(s) in session, instructor's name" and then a large area for the student to fill in the conflict/question.

In the case here, have tissues ready, and place the box next to her. you don't have to say anything like calm down, the visual clues of handing her a tissue shows that you are trying to listen and taking her serious. Tell her you are going to get the proper person to speak with her, but in the mean time, fill out this form for the person in charge to refer back to (it isn't a bad idea anyway to have a written documentation of this as well). "and when you are through, bring it back to me. The bathroom is down the hall and to the left so you can freshen up before you meet with Mr. X" having to fill out the form shows you are taking it serious, and will naturally calm them down. Having to write things out makes people stop and think so they can be clear in their wording.

And, he has not been applying for scholarships, because, "money is not important. Besides, I will get a good job when I graduate." He is a National Merit Finalist, but that will only scratch the surface for his tuition. ...

Some kids just insist on learning things the hard way. In RegionMom's case, it's probably going to take getting himself in trouble before he really learns how the world works (my guess would be academic probation for not working hard in boring classes and having his GPA go down, or having to drop out for a year due to financial issues).

Well there is a news article about a girl on the East Coast who is suing her parents for room/board and tuition.Google it.My children are both over 25 and I am very grateful they both survived, but I would never do it again.

Well there is a news article about a girl on the East Coast who is suing her parents for room/board and tuition.Google it.My children are both over 25 and I am very grateful they both survived, but I would never do it again.

That's a girl here in NJ. Yeah, we get in the news for some interesting reasons!

Well there is a news article about a girl on the East Coast who is suing her parents for room/board and tuition.

If the girl was really was leaving an abusive situation, then I would regard forcing the parents to pay for an education as reasonable, morally if not legally. If she's a brat who left home rather than follow reasonable rules or deal with reasonable punishments, then I'd say she's on her own. I'm inclined to lean towards the folder - kids fleeing intolerable situations are often angry, hurt and damaged, but not really in a "find a lawyer and pursue a civil suit for cash" way.

This does remind me of a study I read about post-secondary education support for children of divorced parents. IN families of similar socio-economic status, kids from intact families were significantly more likely to have their education paid for by their parents than those from divorced ones. As in 10% of kids vs 90% of kids in a upper-middle class neighbourhood. In some cases, the father was paying for the education of his step kids, or kids of his second wife, but not his kids from the first marriage.

DH and I are happily married, and will contribute what we have been saving for years for DS. We will not go into debt ourselves.

DS he applied early decision to a private university, and will have to face his own decisions.

As for drama on another level--

I was subbing for a young grade school class. Lunch rules are that you have to ask the teacher before you leave the table, whether to buy more food, grab a forgotten straw, run to the restroom, etc...

As the two weekly classroom helpers were beginning to push the wheeled trashcan around the table and collect trays, one girl began to sob and pout.

"Where is my FOOD ITEM? Some one threw it AWAY!"

I went over and discovered that this child had determined on her own, at the end of lunch, to get up without permission and order a snack food item that if she had asked, would have been told NO for several reasons.

I then realized that the reason she was not with her food item when it was thrown away was because she left for the restroom, without permission.

I checked with another teacher (I am a sub) and then went to girl, who was ramping up the drama, "That was MY food item!! Why was it in the trash? Girl XYZ is not my friend any more because she thought she was helping me but she was not!"

And I got down to the girl's level and had this chat with her-"Did you disobey by ordering food item without permission, at clean-up time, knowing that you would not be allowed?""Yes.""Did you disobey by going to the restroom without permission?""Yes.""Then you do not need to involve anyone else in who moved you food item. It was your choice to disobey and if you continue to fuss, we can talk more while your classmates are playing at recess.""But...but" (pout)

Later, when another classmate was hurt enough by a tree to visit the nurse for first aid treatment, this girl suddenly also had to go to the nurse, because an old scratch at the top of her foot that was already scabbing over was bothering her terribly.

I would not let her go, and offered a salve and a bandaid. She huffed and finally agreed to a bandaid only, after beginning to pull off the wrong shoe - think back of left heel vs. top of right ankle! lol

Anyway, my rambling point is this-I was calm and logical and did not give in to the demands of this about 7 year old child.

If I had given her another treat at lunch, or sent her to the nurse, she would learn that she can get what she wants if she fusses enough. I asked her to find a way to work through her own thoughts and dilemma.

I never asked her to calm down. I knew from this thread, and experience, not to say that!

I left a note for the teacher and she was thrilled that I did not give in to the drama queen.

DH and I are happily married, and will contribute what we have been saving for years for DS. We will not go into debt ourselves.

DS he applied early decision to a private university, and will have to face his own decisions.

To be frank I am seeing more and more young people basically ruining their lives financially by taking on enormous college debt (anywhere from $50-250K) and if I were you, I'd have your son talk to a recent college grad in this situation for some perspective. Student loans generally cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. Many of these students either can't find jobs, or end up underemployed after graduation, so the money they would normally spend on rent, car payments, etc. has to go towards loans. So they end up living back home in order to get by, a possibility that YOU should be prepared for if he is truly taking on large amounts of debt.

LordL paid for college via loans and his total debt was something like $30K. His field, technology, has been up and down since he left school (dot com bubble, economic crash in 2008) and in his 20s he was mostly underemployed. It is only in the last 5 or so years he has been able to focus on paying them off. It will have taken him 16 years to pay off his loans by the time he's done. And his debt is "small" compared to what students these days routinely take on (the state university where I work/study is $20K for a single year of undergrad).

not to completely derail the thread, but DH and I have tried several approaches, from different sources.

DS is working through other stuff, and as much as I hate it, I cannot change this for him.

Yes, he could have had full rides from other schools. If I had known he was going to be such a twit, I might have pushed more for other schools. But this university fits him very well, and if he survives high school, he should do quiet well in college.

(This is the same kid that determined getting Eagle in Scouts would not be a benefit. So, instead, he has aged out, but continues to go to scouts and help others and serve. Go figure.)

I think he thinks asking for scholarships is asking for help, and he refuses help.