How I May Have Made Things Worse For Rapper Psy

Over the weekend, I was contacted by agents representing South Korean Rapper Psy. They informed me that their client is under fire for a song he performed in 2004 encouraging the murder of Americans. They had heard that I moonlight as a ghostwriter for celebritiesin crisis(Tom Cruise, Kristen Stewart,Nicki Minaj ,Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez) and asked if I might write an apology letter on his behalf. I said that I had never heard of their client or his work and I highly doubted if most of the American public had heard of him as well. However, I decided to oblige. Unfortunately, Psy’s people were anything but pleased with my work, as you can see from their notes on my letter in red)

Dear American, (ooo bad idea to use the title of the song as the introduction to this letter)

It’s me! All-time USA (United States of America) (unnecessary to explain) pop sensation Psy! (this is a huge claim to make and will likely turn off a lot of people)

You know, from the hit song Walter Ganggum Style? (it’s not Walter Ganggum! It’s Oppan Gangnam Style! Psy would know his own lyrics)

I also brought you such hits as The Macarena, Mambo Number Five, Who Let The Dogs Out, ummmm, that song about pants… (none of this is true. And putting ummmm in a letter is bad form)

As you may have heard, several years ago I wrote a song encouraging people to kill Americans while smashing a U.S. tank on stage. Let’s set aside the fact the obvious question, what was a U.S. tank doing on stage while I was trying to perform in the first place. Let’s also set aside the fact that I don’t know my own strength. (What? Wait, this was a model he smashed, not an actual tank)

Let’s forget the fact too that in 2004, George W. Bush actually praised this song. (untrue)

Also, keep in mind, I didn’t write the song (good). I believe it was a cover of an MC Hammer song (not true and a terrible idea to throw MC Hammer under the bus after his collaboration with PSY)

Have you ever watched the Cosby show? (what does this have to do with anything?!)

What I’m trying to say is, I would never kill Americans. (good) Wound them maybe, but not kill (you’re making it worse!)

America is my third favorite country, right behind South Korea, North Korea and Iran (Psy is South Korean, he wouldn’t like North Korea and Americans won’t take it well that he likes Iran better than the United States. Also, this would make America his fourth favorite country, not third)

Point is, I’m going to be around for a very, very, very, very, very long time, churning out hit after hit on your radio waves for years, even decades to come (this is arrogant since most people see him as a one hit wonder)

We have to get used to one another.

Sincerely, (wait, where was the apology?!)

Psy (aka Walter Ganggum) (he’s not also known as Walter Ganggum!)

Tim, this letter accomplished none of the goals we discussed. If anything, it would make things far worse for our client. We’re going to go with a different writer. Please, do not send this.

Have you ever watched the Cosby show? (what does this have to do with anything?!)

Everything!! Don’t THEY know that all the important truths in life are most easily learned by watching 80’s-90’s sitcoms? (Or short of that, white boys can learn to shake-a-leg by watching Carton Banks 😛 )

This letter is actually more awesome than the Psy song itself. You should make a Youtube video of it.

Complete with jiggly dancer girls. If you all are short of the funds to hire said jiggly dancer girls, I’m sure..uhh…I’ve got something…err… of value to contribute to the cause.

(Jiggly dancer girls like pocketfuls of leftover Now Or Laters and candy corn, right? 😉 )