How I used alien quantum Internet medicine on my cat

Quantum cure didn't lie about one thing—it had no side effects.

Quantum computers remain in their nascent stages; scientists still get excited at modest achievements like manipulating two quantum bits (“qubits”) for even a few seconds. How puny our scientific goals must seem when extraterrestrial beings have already moved on to treating diseases uncurable by humanity using a quantum computer nestled in a secret location somewhere inside Switzerland.

This is the way of things, according to Dr. J.S. Van Cleave, who runs QuantumMan, a website that sells the “world’s first downloadable medicine” courtesy of the mysterious Zurich Alpine Group (ZAG). The site hawks all manner of cures, from veterinary treatments to chiropractic adjustments along with “fat killers,” laxatives, detoxes, and sexual dysfunction cures. Want a vaccine against colds, malaria, or the flu? No problem—just download it to your smartphone.

I called Dr. Van Cleave and asked him if I could sample one of the veterinary treatments for use on my cats. He asked what the problem was; I replied that one of the cats is, not to put too fine a point on it, quite barfy. Dr. Van Cleave helpfully sent me a package of 25 “portal access keys” that could be “downloaded” to treat the cat.

The miracle cures are said to work by “unlocking” a portal between the remote quantum computer in Switzerland and the cat’s brain using whatever device the portal key is opened on: smartphone, tablet, or personal computer. The cat must be nearby, well hydrated, and rested. (According to the instructions, it must not recently have eaten “sugars, yeast, or cheese” due to their well-known portal interference properties.) With the portal open between Switzerland and my cat's brain, the remote quantum computer could use quantum transmissions to quantumly diagnose and quantumly “treat the cause” of the disease to “stop it dead in its tracks," quantumly.

Or, in the company's own words:

Portal Access Key™ unlocks a quantum portal developed by ZAG that allows bioinformation to flow from ZAG's quantum computer directly to the neural network of your brain, another quantum computer, via quantum teleportation. This quantum data delivers physiologic directives that program the brain to effect a medical solution... Nearly all QuantumXtreme™ medicines have repeater programming embedded in their data that allows delivery of their physiologic directives several times a day, up to 30 days, with extreme precision and no loss of potency. As a result, the compliance resulting from ease of use of QuantumXtreme™ medicines far exceeds that of conventional pharmaceuticals.

Sounds plausible. I logged into the QuantumMan site, where 25 of my “portal access keys” were waiting for download. I herded my cats away from my computer in the remote chance that some kind of swirling portal to hell should open up in my living room, and I pressed the “unlock and launch portal” button.

I was taken to a page with a GIF meant to show that science was happening. An “action and status” menu showed me that the quantum computer in Switzerland was, at that very moment, completing one task after another, including “installing master programs” in the cat's cerebrum, “correcting the polarity of and re-aligning bio-electric energy fields,” “cleansing the aura,” and “opening blockages” in a feline chakra.

The Internet tries to fix my cat.

Judging by the focus on the "chakra," extraterrestrial medicine is oddly indebted to the Hindu belief system. Further, extraterrestrial medicine can find and make atomic adjustments to the brain of a cat that is both 1) in motion and 2) nowhere near the portal key download device, which happily went on "installing the master program." The cat, safely across the room, remained unaware of the "treatment."

Further observation over the next few days sadly showed no decline in barfiness.

“We have to kind of keep certain things quiet”

In a phone interview with Van Cleave, I noted that only in the last couple of years have scientists achieved breakthroughs with quantum teleportation, and then only over a few miles of free space. So how could a quantum computer entangle its qubits with those in the purported quantum computer that is my cat’s brain from some 6,000 miles away, such that quantum teleportation of information could take place?

“What you’ve been reading [in the press] is what China has accomplished, some of the other countries,” Van Cleave said, calling conventional quantum technology “extremely primitive.” Using his quantum computer tucked away in Switzerland, treatments could potentially take place between Earth and the moon.

I asked about the technical specifications of this quantum computer. What kind of processor does it have? “It doesn’t have processors.” Does it have memory? “It has memory. It has programs… literally, there are thousands and thousands of programs.” Van Cleave stated that the computer “doesn’t look like a typical computer would.” I asked what kind of power it used—AC? “Not the kind of power you’re accustomed to understanding," he said. "This is extraterrestrial technology 2,000 years ahead of its time.”

Van Cleave has never personally seen the computer, however, nor does he know exactly where it is. “We have to kind of keep certain things quiet," he said, like "where they’re located.”

In case this sounds dubious, the website features a handful of testimonials in which customers make subjective assessments of the “treatments,” such as one that gave a woman “lots of insight.” Clinical trials are also offered—but by "clinical trial," QuantumMan means exactly one person who suffered from some malady, applied a quantum treatment, and got better (per their own account). The scientific method in rare form!

QuantumMan’s vet treatments, called QuantumMan Tricorder Plus (for the Star Trek fans out there), were actually exhibited in the South Hall of the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) back in January. Though CES booths can run quite small, they still cost thousands of dollars, not to mention the cost of staying in Las Vegas for the duration of the show. A man named Michael Uehara represented the company at the show, and according to Uehara’s LinkedIn bio, he’s been working for the Zurich Alpine Group for six years.

He also tweeted to Bill Gates in May, asking for help distributing QuantumMan’s malaria vaccine. Bill Gates, as he probably does for so many entreaties to promote malaria vaccines, did not respond, since malaria vaccines do not exist.

What is the relationship between Van Cleave and Uehara? Are they the same person? What about the relationship between ZAG and QuantumMan? Why does the founder of ZAG go by the name—I kid you not—"Dr. X"? How can someone build a quantum computer in Switzerland and keep it entirely hidden? How does QuantumMan find the cash to attend events like CES? So many questions, so few answers.

Well, we might be able to answer that last one; QuantumMan’s services do not come cheap. Quantum Weight Control costs $100 for a month of treatment that should continue until a weight goal is reached with no indication of how quickly it works; MethCure, a nine month treatment that rids people of their pesky meth addictions, is priced at $1,000.

Too low on funds to partake of these miracle cures? There’s always the QuantumMan Money Download—$50 for a set of downloads to access “the field of energy… referred to as the Divine Matrix” which can be tweaked (quantumly) to increase your “potential for abundance.”

Casey Johnston
Casey Johnston is the former Culture Editor at Ars Technica, and now does the occasional freelance story. She graduated from Columbia University with a degree in Applied Physics. Twitter@caseyjohnston

This is just typical elitist close-mindedness in action. YOU CAN'T PROVE IT DOESN'T WORK. And it's not as if big-pharma *hasn't* been working for decades to find legitimate alternative cures to diseases and then shut the whole thing down. But ars in all its arrogant splendor decided that just because something doesn't match up with the government-approved 'treatment' for diseases that are largely ENGINEERED to cause misery then it should be dismissed out of hand. It's like the whole FAKE VACCINE swindle that big-pharma and its hidden backers foist on us daily, when it HAS BEEN PROVEN THAT THEY DON'T WORK, and that you can cure practically every disease through more legitimate means. But of course you won't hear about that because the media is all behind them as well AND THEY DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

You're right; we can't disprove it based solely on the fact that it has no credibility, no outside validation, and no basis in current scientific (or economic) theory. Just because it looks and sounds and smells like a scam, doesn't mean we can be certain. But we can be really, really skeptical.

Aside from the fact that your theories about "big pharma" have no basis in economics, your accusation toward Ars Technica is hypocritical. How do you know these hidden secrets about a large industry when THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THE TRUTH, hm? On what evidence do you make these grand accusations? That's arrogant splendor.

Aww, the least that the scam artist could've done was give you a phone app that would make it vibrate and told you to run it all over the cat's body to help their computer hone in on kitty's true problem... ;-)

More seriously, anyone with cats prone to vomiting should check the ingredients/quality of the cat's food. Most brands (anything in a grocery store, for example) are made of indigestible fillers and non-nutritious leftover parts (like chicken feet, beef tumors, hormone/vaccine injection sites), then sprayed with rancid fat for flavoring -- it's basically the otherwise-worthless junk from other processing plants owned by a parent company like General Mills. A few brands still use carcinogenic preservatives like BHA or BHT. Yes, the bags/cans say they meet AAFCO requirements, but that only means that the animals eating them didn't lose a lot of weight during a 6-8 week trial...something one could accomplish living off McDonald's, if you get my drift.

After doing research into the topic back in 2000, I switched my rescue cats over to the "good" foods -- ones that use things like brown rice, oatmeal, 'named' meat as one of the top 2 ingredients, vegetables, and use natural preservatives like mixed tocopherols. Most of the cats are now 13, one is 15; all have high enough energy levels to seem like they're only 1-2 years old, have shiny coats, and might puke a few times per year.

You can find out which brands are good through the website for SF Bay Area chain retailer Pet Food Express as they refuse to carry anything unhealthy. (I didn't want to name specific good brands for fear of looking like a spammer, and last I heard, PFE doesn't *sell* anything online.) FWIW experiments I've run indicate that while the 'good' food is often (not always!) more expensive per-bag, it lasts longer per-pound, in case anyone else here is in the poorhouse. :-)

Have you checked out QuantumMan's mail order bride service via Infinite Improbability Drive? I would have been a highly satisfied customer had she not materialized in front of the, still unamused, wife, who seems amazingly reluctant to buy the usually reliable St Valentine's Day florist mix-up story.

I'm glad that your poor cat didn't suffer from any side effects. I think you're totally irresponsible exposing your cats to alien technologies. I think you should be reported to PETA (Pets of Extra-Terrestrial Aliens). Then you might want to call Dr X back and see if one of those portal thingies can be used on you to prevent you from abusing your cats.

Oh that's just fraking great, I watched your video and apparently the quantum encoding transferred through the recording on Youtube through a quantum mirror that was attached to a quantum filament utilizing a subspace rift. The recording was obviously not meant for man. Now I'm a cat. Are you happy now?!? Damn it. >:( Meow.

Do you type with claws out or in? Also can't use my damn android phone anymore, no place to put it.

This is why I read Ars. You made my day, which has gone pretty well to begin with. I just /never/ know what I am going to read next, and it's hardly ever boring. May not agree with the article, but it's still interesting. Oh, and the comments threads (thanks, everyone), especially based on an article like /this/ one, practically make me fall out of my chair from laughing.

This is just typical elitist close-mindedness in action. YOU CAN'T PROVE IT DOESN'T WORK. And it's not as if big-pharma *hasn't* been working for decades to find legitimate alternative cures to diseases and then shut the whole thing down. But ars in all its arrogant splendor decided that just because something doesn't match up with the government-approved 'treatment' for diseases that are largely ENGINEERED to cause misery then it should be dismissed out of hand. It's like the whole FAKE VACCINE swindle that big-pharma and its hidden backers foist on us daily, when it HAS BEEN PROVEN THAT THEY DON'T WORK, and that you can cure practically every disease through more legitimate means. But of course you won't hear about that because the media is all behind them as well AND THEY DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

The article is certainly condescending, but the subject matter is strange to say the least. Your paranoia is not so unusual, however... unfortunately. Who are "they", anyway?

Oh that's just fraking great, I watched your video and apparently the quantum encoding transferred through the recording on Youtube through a quantum mirror that was attached to a quantum filament utilizing a subspace rift. The recording was obviously not meant for man. Now I'm a cat. Are you happy now?!? Damn it. >:( Meow.

You win the skillfully-applied technobabble award for the day. Please report to 4chan so you may collect your free internet.

I named my cat Schrödinger when I found him 11 years ago, and he's still going strong. The only problem is that in the last couple of years, he's gotten a lot more barfy, leaving me to clean it up at least twice a week. THIS IS STRANGELY THE MOST PERFECT HEADLINE TO PULL ME INTO THIS ARTICLE

Why is everyone laughing? The TRUE BREAKTHROUGH here is multi-universal medicine -- in some alternate reality Casey's cat was observed to stop barfing! I predict that within a decade we will have cured cat barfing in every universe but our own. And once we see that nothing happens here as predicted, we will finally have proof that the quantum malaria vaccine works everywhere but here too! Bill Gates sure will feel foolish then.

This is just typical elitist close-mindedness in action. YOU CAN'T PROVE IT DOESN'T WORK. And it's not as if big-pharma *hasn't* been working for decades to find legitimate alternative cures to diseases and then shut the whole thing down. But ars in all its arrogant splendor decided that just because something doesn't match up with the government-approved 'treatment' for diseases that are largely ENGINEERED to cause misery then it should be dismissed out of hand. It's like the whole FAKE VACCINE swindle that big-pharma and its hidden backers foist on us daily, when it HAS BEEN PROVEN THAT THEY DON'T WORK, and that you can cure practically every disease through more legitimate means. But of course you won't hear about that because the media is all behind them as well AND THEY DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

The article is certainly condescending, but the subject matter is strange to say the least. Your paranoia is not so unusual, however... unfortunately. Who are "they", anyway?

At least fraud should be plausible to rob people off their money, not something completely outrageous and incongruous with contemporary science. It's really baffling! But I have to admit, it's such a fun, good-spirited article. Thank you!

P.S: What does 'barfiness' mean? I looked it up in the dictionary; nada.

Casey, this is piss poor reporting. Don't you realize that you are also part of the experimental medicine so both you AND your cat will be both barfy and not-barfy at the same time until an alien doctor can observe you, at which point your true health state will become known.

My mom loves this stuff. I keep telling her to stop throwing her money away and question the claims of anyone who seems to be guilty of conflict of interest by trying to sell her overpriced products. She sometimes listens to me, most of the time not. This stuff is beyond facepalmy.

You know, my first reaction to snake-oil medicine, quantum or otherwise, is usually disbelief and anger, directed at both the crooked merchants and the stupid people who buy this kind of stuff and expect it to work.

And on second thought I think that if the customers are stupid enough to believe this kind of b.s., they kind of deserve getting ripped off. Maybe that's the only way they will learn. Factoring in the confirmation bias, they probably won't learn, eh?