Gove threatens teachers with genital mutilation

Intimidation by the Secretary of State for Education was ratcheted up this week, with the promise of graphic images of sexual disfigurement being sent to schools. One teacher reported having already received through the post 'broken pencils', 'ripped copies of the King James Bible' and 'indecipherable schemes of work' all from Michael Gove.

What was first thought to be the launch of an awareness campaign about the brutal nature of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), was merely a veiled attempt at scare tactics. The pictures of maiming were followed by Mr. Gove's trademark crayon signature and the phrase 'You're Next!' scrawled in excrement.

The Metropolitan Police have confirmed that the Department for Education is just a front for an elaborate protection racquet. Schools are regularly threatened with a 'little accident', which could range from 'waking up next to a horse's head', 'sleeping with the fishes' or 'being turned into an academy'. Teachers 'not towing the line' were told they would 'inspected' by Michael Gove's notorious enforcer Sir Michael 'the butcher' Wilshaw.

Anyone caught complaining about loss of pension or changes to working hours would first get the silent treatment, then a well-executed stare-down and finally an INSET day in a sound-proofed abattoir. A suited Italian gentlemen claiming to be a spokesman for Mr. Gove said: 'FGM could happen to anyone. Ba da bing ba da boom. Know what I mean?'