“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

And

“Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.”

And

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

And

“When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‘Oh, it must be so hard.’ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.”

And

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

And

“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

And

“The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.”

And

“When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.”

And

“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.”

And

“My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.”

And

“I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.”

And

“You can be passionate about anything.”

And

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

And

“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”

And

“Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.”

And

“You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.”

And

“We’ve fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.”

And

“I like money, but it’s never been about the money.”

And

“Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.”

And

“Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.”

And

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

And

“No soup for you”

And

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”