Breaking News: Death from Above

Hello folks, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here bringing you the REAL news straight from the TURNbuckle of TRUTH. Reuters has reported that AUSTRALIA is planning on unLEASHING a series of shark deTECTing drones in an atteMPT to make its beaches safer for the children. These ROBOTS can supposedly DETECT sharks from not-sharks swimming around in the ocean, and then dePLOY emergency FLOAT devices and let out some KIND of warning beacon.

What they don’t tell ya is the deep DARK secret swimming underNEATH this project like some sorta secret shark MADE OUT OF SECRETS. That’s called a metaphone. It’s a rhetORICAL device I picked up on the DARK web.

Anyway, these SO CALLED “drones” are in ACTUAL FACT cybernetic killing machines proGRAMMED by the government to kill sharks. Sharks, BY the way, are SOVEREIGN citizens of the ocean. This was PASSED by the UN in 1979, but the NEWS media won’t tell you that. They’re too busy being DISTRACTED by some game called Thrones. I have played every GAME ever made, including games that were NEVER made, and I can tell YA that I have never even HEARD of that GAME. This leads me to believe that it was manuFACTURED by the IKEA corporation in an attempt to install disassembled furniture into your HOMES that include subliminal MESSAGES in the instructions. But that’s a story for another Breaking News.

Pictured: a Sovereign Citizen of the Sea

Now where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right. DRONES! If they can DETECT a shark from a dolphin, and a shark from another SHARK, then that means they can detECT a shark from a hu-man. And since we know that all drones are reQUIRED to wield missiles, lasers, tasers, and flame-based weaponry by interNATIONAL LAW, you can see what happens next. YUP. You BETCHA. These SHARK drones will be USED to execute beach goers who DON’T use sunscreen.

That’s RIGHT folks. This is a BIG ploy by Neutrogena to force PEOPLE to wear sunscreen, EVEN THOUGH the Sun is FAR from dangerous. I own a CONDO on the Sun, and I never once got cancer. Well, that’s NOT true. I got CANCER once from smoking too many CIGARS, but I challenged that CANCER to a ladder match and crushed it with my superior BODY and MIND. I then switched to VAPE cigars. Smoked brisket flavored. It REALLY hits the SPOT after a long day of exploring the UNKNOWN.

Neutrogena, BY THE WAY, is owned by Johnson & Johnson. Do ya happen to know who those two Johnsons are? Well, let ol’ Uncle Jesse blow some TRUTH vapor your way. The first JOHNSON is none other than the reanimated corpse of President LYNDON B. JOHNson. Long after the Kellog Company chose him to REPEAL and REPLACE the reptilian President Kennedy, he was buried under some ROCKS in an ancient Indian burial ground. He rose from the DEAD and founded a home HEALTHCARE company with another Johnson.

That OTHER Johnson is NONE other THAN Dwayne “The ROCK” Johnson. He has been INCREASING his presence in the MEDIA and the PUBLIC as a means of showing off his beautiful SKIN. Don’t be FOOLED, my FRIENDS. This is a FORM of VIRAL marketing to get you to BUY skin care PRODUCTS.