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Marriage is for White People

'Marriage Is for White People'

By Joy JonesWashington PostSunday, March 26, 2006

I
grew up in a time when two-parent families were still the norm, in both
black and white America. Then, as an adult, I saw divorce become more
commonplace, then almost a rite of passage. Today it would appear that
many -- particularly in the black community -- have dispensed with
marriage altogether.

But
as a black woman, I have witnessed the outrage of girlfriends when the
ex failed to show up for his weekend with the kids, and I've seen the
disappointment of children who missed having a dad around. Having
enjoyed a close relationship with my own father, I made a conscious
decision that I wanted a husband, not a live-in boyfriend and not a
"baby's daddy," when it came my time to mate and marry.

My time
never came.

For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me.

"Marriage is for white people."...

That's
what one of my students told me some years back when I taught a career
exploration class for sixth-graders at an elementary school in
Southeast Washington. I was pleasantly surprised when the boys in the
class stated that being a good father was a very important goal to
them, more meaningful than making money or having a fancy title.

"That's wonderful!" I told my class. "I think I'll invite some couples in to talk about being married and rearing children."

"Oh, no," objected one student. "We're not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers."

And
that's when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a
nasty taste in his mouth: "Marriage is for white people."

He's
right. At least statistically. The marriage rate for African Americans
has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest
marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001,
according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9
percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast
to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African
American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the
period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United
States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent.
Such statistics have caused Howard University relationship therapist
Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most
uncoupled people in the country.

How
have we gotten here? What has shifted in African American customs, in
our community, in our consciousness, that has made marriage seem
unnecessary or unattainable?

Although slavery was an
atrocious social system, men and women back then nonetheless often
succeeded in establishing working families. In his account of slave
life and culture, "Roll, Jordan, Roll," historian Eugene D. Genovese
wrote: "A slave in Georgia prevailed on his master to sell him to
Jamaica so that he could find his wife, despite warnings that his
chances of finding her on so large an island were remote. . . . Another
slave in Virginia chopped his left hand off with a hatchet to prevent
being sold away from his son." I was stunned to learn that a black
child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during
slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew
J. Cherlin.

Traditional
notions of family, especially the extended family network, endure. But
working mothers, unmarried couples living together, out-of-wedlock
births, birth control, divorce and remarriage have transformed the
social landscape. And no one seems to feel this more than African
American women. One told me that with today's changing mores, it's hard
to know "what normal looks like" when it comes to courtship, marriage
and parenthood. Sex, love and childbearing have become a la carte
choices rather than a package deal that comes with marriage. Moreover,
in an era of brothers on the "down low," the spread of sexually
transmitted diseases and the decline of the stable blue-collar jobs
that black men used to hold, linking one's fate to a man makes marriage
a risky business for a black woman.

"A
woman who takes that step is bold and brave," one young single mother
told me. "Women don't want to marry because they don't want to lose
their freedom."

Among African Americans, the desire for
marriage seems to have a different trajectory for women and men. My
observation is that black women in their twenties and early thirties
want to marry and commit at a time when black men their age are more
likely to enjoy playing the field. As the woman realizes that a good
marriage may not be as possible or sustainable as she would like, her
focus turns to having a baby, or possibly improving her job status,
perhaps by returning to school or investing more energy in her career.

As
men mature, and begin to recognize the benefits of having a roost and
roots (and to feel the consequences of their risky bachelor behavior),
they are more willing to marry and settle down. By this time, however,
many of their female peers are satisfied with the lives they have
constructed and are less likely to settle for marriage to a man who
doesn't bring much to the table. Indeed, he may bring too much to the
table: children and their mothers from previous relationships, limited
earning power, and the fallout from years of drug use, poor health
care, sexual promiscuity. In other words, for the circumspect black
woman, marriage may not be a business deal that offers sufficient
return on investment.

In the past, marriage was primarily
just such a business deal. Among wealthy families, it solidified
political alliances or expanded land holdings. For poorer people, it
was a means of managing the farm or operating a household. Today,
people have become economically self-sufficient as individuals, no
longer requiring a spouse for survival. African American women have
always had a high rate of labor-force participation. "Why should
well-salaried women marry?" asked black feminist and author Alice
Dunbar-Nelson as early as 1895. But now instead of access only to
low-paying jobs, we can earn a breadwinner's wage, which has changed
what we want in a husband. "Women's expectations have changed
dramatically while men's have not changed much at all," said one
well-paid working wife and mother. "Women now say, 'Providing is not
enough. I need more partnership.' "

The
turning point in my own thinking about marriage came when a longtime
friend proposed about five years ago. He and I had attended college
together, dated briefly, then kept in touch through the years. We built
a solid friendship, which I believe is a good foundation for a
successful marriage.

But
-- if we had married, I would have had to relocate to the Midwest. Been
there, done that, didn't like it. I would have had to become a
stepmother and, although I felt an easy camaraderie with his son,
stepmotherhood is usually a bumpy ride. I wanted a house and couldn't
afford one alone. But I knew that if I was willing to make some
changes, I eventually could.

As I reviewed the situation, I
realized that all the things I expected marriage to confer -- male
companionship, close family ties, a house -- I already had, or were
within reach, and with exponentially less drama. I can do bad by
myself, I used to say as I exited a relationship. But the truth is, I
can do pretty good by myself, too.

Most single black women
over the age of 30 whom I know would not mind getting married, but
acknowledge that the kind of man and the quality of marriage they would
like to have may not be likely, and they are not desperate enough to
simply accept any situation just to have a man. A number of my married
friends complain that taking care of their husbands feels like having
an additional child to raise. Then there's the fact that marriage
apparently can be hazardous to the health of black women. A recent
study by the Institute for American Values, a nonpartisan think tank in
New York City, indicates that married African American women are less
healthy than their single sisters.

By
design or by default, black women cultivate those skills that allow
them to maintain themselves (or sometimes even to prosper) without a
mate.

And
here's the new twist. African American women aren't the only ones
deciding that they can make do alone. Often what happens in black
America is a sign of what the rest of America can eventually expect. In
his 2003 book, "Mismatch: The Growing Gulf between Women and Men,"
Andrew Hacker noted that the structure of white families is evolving in
the direction of that of black families of the 1960s. In 1960, 67
percent of black families were headed by a husband and wife, compared
to 90.9 percent for whites. By 2000, the figure for white families had
dropped to 79.8 percent. Births to unwed white mothers were 22.5
percent in 2001, compared to 2.3 percent in 1960. So my student who
thought marriage is for white people may have to rethink that in the
future.

Still, does this mean that marriage is going the way of the phonograph and the typewriter ribbon?

"I
hope it isn't," said one friend who's been married for seven years.
"The divorce rate is 50 percent, but people remarry. People want to be
married. I don't think it's going out of style."

A black
male acquaintance had a different prediction. "I don't believe marriage
is going to be extinct, but I think you'll see fewer people married,"
he said. "It's a bad thing. I believe it takes the traditional family
-- a man and a woman -- to raise kids." He has worked with troubled
adolescents, and has observed that "the girls who are in the most
trouble and who are abused the most -- the father is absent. And the
same is true for the boys, too." He believes that his presence and
example in the home is why both his sons decided to marry when their
girlfriends became pregnant.

But
human nature being what it is, if marriage is to flourish -- in black
or white America -- it will have to offer an individual woman something
more than a business alliance, a panacea for what ails the community,
or an incubator for rearing children. As one woman said, "If it weren't
for the intangibles, the allure of the lovey-dovey stuff, I wouldn't
have gotten married. The benefits of marriage are his character and his
caring. If not for that, why bother?"

Comments

I do not take this article for fact! I think it's a bitter woman's point of view who has forsaken marriage for what she thinks career achievment offers...if she were my friend I would remind her that that resume is not going to hold her hand in last hours of life, nor nuture her soul, nor be the blessing of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Black people get married everyday, and celebrate their love in all ways. Women are choosing to be alone, and that is totally different.

To choose to be a woman with a career means you have room for marriage. To be a career woman, means you married your career. I have been both.

My friends, cousins, and siblings are getting married, and I believe I too will be apart of that fold!

The reason black marraige has declined since 1960 is because of the wlfare system.When people get married the lose benifits.Black people are on the lower part of the earning wages,so most have assistance.bring there wages up and you will have less devorce are get rid of welfare.