John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Traumatic events leave painful images and keep us from our primary grief about the person who died. (Published 6/30/2015)

Q:

I was involved in a motorcycle accident in which my boyfriend died. I have anxiety every day and especially on Fridays, the day it happened. Because of my injuries and the trauma, I can’t remember exactly how it happened. I’m obsessed with knowing what happened, and I even wonder how and why I’m still here. Most painful of all for me, is that he died of a broken neck. I didn’t know what to do and did nothing to save him before help arrived. I am tormented by the thought of him gasping for air and dying while I couldn’t help. I just can’t seem to get over it. What can I do?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for your note and request for help.

We know that it’s impossible to wipe all those images from your mind—and your heart.

As difficult as it is to be traumatized not only by what happened, but by the constant re-remembering of it, something else happens. With so much of your attention focused on what happened and that you didn’t know what to do, you lose sight of the relationship you had with him. It robs you of the normal memories and keeps you stuck on the end of the relationship when he died.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Before you start reading it, turn to page 157 and read the section called “Stuck On A Painful Image.” It will help you deal with those recurring images, and then you can go back to the beginning of the book and start reading and then taking the actions it outlines that will help you deal with your broken heart.