08 March 2010

Funny Late Night Comedy Roundup - 8 March 2010

From Denny: Those of us who work sure don't have the time or extra energy to stay up and watch the funny late night shows. I'm doing good to watch a monologue and then it's sleepy bye bye. Of course, by morning, I can't remember most of it because my brain was already starting to snooze.

These Monday morning comedy roundup posts are my way of keeping abreast of all the merriment that swings from the chandeliers while I'm whistling Zzzzs in my bed. So, I started sharing with all of you and the rest is history! These are popular posts that get read for months after they go up. After all, good laughs are timeless, enjoy!

New Yorkers are desperate. They're trying to get (New York Governor) Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, 'That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'

But I don't know how serious this is. I won't believe that there's real trouble with the governor until I hear that he's told his staff he's hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

New York Gov. David Paterson said he will not run for election but he will serve his full term. He's going to finish his term. He's going to keep being governor till the very end. Did you hear that, Sarah? Till the end. He's going to continue to be the governor till the very end.

You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. When he gets out here, if he looks familiar, you may have seen him on 'The Young and the Restless.' He plays Tyler Cavanaugh IV. True story.

And the very reason we need gun control in America. Remind me not to vacation in Colorado. Concealed weapons, are they nuts? Can you imagine living in an apartment complex with those thin non-bullet proof walls, only to discover all of your neighbors carry guns?

Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new Senator Brown from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants.

President Obama yesterday had his annual physical. Annual checkup. Apparently everything is all right. Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy.

But Obama's physical turned out great. The doctor said a couple of things. He said: 'Cut out the cigarettes. Also, try to stay out of Toyotas.'

Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He's saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen.

Weren't the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy.

President Obama had his annual physical checkup. Everything is perfect. So who needs health care now?

The physical went well, until a couple of uninvited guests showed up for the colonoscopy.

Now how about this? Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack. He's O.K., resting comfortably. And the doctor, after they made the diagnosis, stamped his card and the sixth one is free.

David Letterman Top Ten Signs You Have Olympic Withdrawal
10. Will only eat your pancakes if arranged like Olympic rings
9. You exercise on NordicTrack with a rifle strapped to your back
8. You weep uncontrollably every time you see snow
7. Turned your closet into a 'kiss and cry' area
6. Office manager says, 'We're getting complaints about your speed-skating body suit
5. You're curling on your patio with a Swiffer and a fruit cake
4. Now only watch television if it's on a nine-hour tape delay
3. Already purchased snacks for the 2014 Winter Olympics
2. Brushing your teeth involves an opening and closing ceremony
1. You sold your BMW and bought a bobsled

From Jay Leno:
Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you're a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.

Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration's credibility. It's all in his new book here, it's called 'Duh.'

Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.

Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys 'R' Us parking lot.

Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: 'Why didn't we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?'

Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, 'Am I still drunk, or is that a kid's voice?'

I love the biathlon. That's the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, 'date night.'

President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.

Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.

And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It's called 'What Would Dick Cheney Do?'

More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas.

It's good to be home. I'm Jay Leno, your host. At least, for a while." – on returning to host "The Tonight Show." Read that as replacing jilting lover Conan O'Brien.

I've got to admit that I'm a little nervous - not because it's my first night back (but) because I know that Dave and Oprah are watching.

We were off for the last couple of weeks. Kind of like the Russians at the Olympics. What happened to them?

We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC.

Well, as you may have heard, former Vice President Dick Cheney is doing fine after suffering his fifth heart attack. He is like the Apolo Ohno of heart attacks.

Well, the good news is, the former vice president is doing fine, and his doctors said that sneer will be back on his face in no time.

President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer.

Keanu Reeves will star in 'Speed 3.' The first 'Speed' was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota.

I tell you, though. People still have faith in Toyota, even with these massive recalls. The Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports' top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment, especially when it flies out of control and hits the trees.

Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks.

Jon Stewart lampoons the Jay Leno interview with Sarah Palin. Palin claims a journalism degree and that she knows fair and balanced reporting and so decided to join Fox "Liar-we-don't-check-our-facts" News. It was amazing she said it with a straight face. It's fine if you want another entertainment network with differing views than the mainstream networks. But call it the opinion and entertainment that it is, not factual news. So, now Sarah Palin is also a media critic - will wondrous resumes never cease? :)

Stewart rips apart the typical Fox News show to show where the "lies lie." Now this is entertainment!

In all "fairness" here's the link to the actual non-stop Leno interview with Palin where you can view it for yourself. I found it horrifying on a lot of levels: calling Fox real journalism, claiming she knows news facts and Jay Leno giving her soft lobs over the net to get his ratings up higher since he went back to hosting The Tonight Show. It stunk from all fronts.

Palin also did a small stand-up comedy routine on Jay Leno where she just may have finally found her true calling. Of course, Jon Stewart just had to comment and compare her style to that of Mitt Romney who is competing with her for votes among the conservatives:

Not a great day for that air traffic controller at JFK. Did you hear about this? He let his young son talk to planes on the radio. Authorities say this is the worst abuse of 'bring your kid to work day' since Woody Allen.

Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh's Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It's an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that's just the medicine cabinet.

There's more crazy news coming out of the auto industry. Today, Nissan recalled over half a million cars with faulty brakes and fuel gauges. Toyota was like, 'just half a million? Oh, that's cute.'

Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'

Scientists in Britain have developed a new camera that can identify a terrorist by the shape of their nose. Yeah, it's all part of the new technology called 'racism.'

A new report found that a line of cocaine is now cheaper than a cup of coffee. Although, if you're choosing to snort coke instead of drinking coffee in the morning, it was never really about the money, was it?

Did you guys watch the season finale of 'The Bachelor' last night? Well, fans are not happy that Jake proposed to Vienna instead of Tenley. Yeah, people are very angry that he picked a lady that nobody really likes. And then John McCain was like, 'Hey, it happens.'

Today, the White House announced a contest for high schools to have President Obama speak at their graduation. It's really exciting, because so far, Obama has only given speeches at 70 percent of the nation's high schools.

You guys been following this recall stuff? It's getting totally out of hand. Now the Obama administration might require all cars to have an override system in case the brake pedal doesn't work. Personally, I like the old override system — a tree.

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it's like to drive a Toyota.

Gatorade just announced they're ending their relationship with Tiger Woods. Apparently, they made the decision after they checked his cell phone and found texts from Powerade and Vitamin Water.

People magazine has confirmed that former President Clinton called Tiger Woods to offer his support during the ordeal. For real. They have things in common, I guess.

It's a nice thing to do, a nice gesture between two, you know, kindred spirits. It actually reminds me of the time President Bush called Homer Simpson after Homer stapled his face to a doughnut.

I don't know which conversation I would rather hear, Bill and Tiger or Elin and Hillary on the phone together.

The Canadian men's hockey team beat the United States in overtime yesterday to win the gold medal. They were up all night celebrating. President Obama kept banging a broom on the border, but they just wouldn't stop.

Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I'll start to worry.

Buzz Aldrin will be on 'Dancing With the Stars.' He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.

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