Dear Emuna: Second Chance Mom

I don’t like how I raised my daughter. Is there a chance for a do-over?

My daughter and her husband lived across the country for their first few years of marriage. Now they are back, living close to me, with their two adorable children in tow. I’m thrilled to have them near by but it’s not all good. Now I see my daughter’s character flaws “close-up and personal” and its’ quite disturbing. I guess I didn’t parent her as well as I thought but I think that perhaps this is my chance for a do-over. Now I can correct my parenting mistakes. What do you think?

Second Chance Mom

Dear There are No Second Chances,

I don’t think you’re going to like my advice!

First, I want to address the underlying assumption that, as parents, we bear the sole and exclusive responsibility for our children’s behavior. This is absolutely not true (whatever Freud may have said)! As with everything in life, we make the effort and the outcome is in the Almighty’s hands.

But even more than that, our children are not blank slates. They come with ingrained physical qualities and character traits. They have particular inclinations and challenges. We can try to fine-tune their character. We can help channel their desires into productive paths. We can direct them to make appropriate choices. We can (try to) model desirable behavior. And we can pray. That is our job.

But children are also influenced by their schools, their peers, and their community – just for starters. They are shaped by their innate personalities. And, most of all, they have free will. They make their own choices. And, like all human beings, they don’t always choose well. This is not our fault (we aren’t that powerful!). This is the nature of being human.

You are more likely to destroy your relationship with your daughter than to reshape her behavior.

As far as getting a second chance to shape your daughter’s character, reread the above paragraph. Your ability to mold her was always very limited. But, more importantly here, if you try now you are more likely to destroy your relationship with your daughter than to reshape her behavior. She will most likely not take kindly to your unsolicited advice. She may be hurt and offended. And she will turn to her husband for comfort and solace. He will, in turn, be hurt on her behalf and you will have created tension with him as well.

Once our children are married, it’s a delicate dance. We have to be only warm and loving. I can’t emphasize that strongly enough.

And yet a word of caution: Just like with our young children, our “correct” behavior vis-à-vis our married child and their spouse may not (will not) always produce the desired results. They still have free will. Their partners have free will – and their own set of personality traits and inclinations. There are no guarantees.

Once again, the outcome is in the Almighty’s hands and, after making your best effort to bite your tongue -- unless it is love and support you are expressing, opening your heart and mouth in prayer is your best solution.

-- Emuna

Age of Entitlement

Dear Emuna,

My married children had to move out of their apartment due to Hurricane Sandy. Luckily I have room to take them in and they lived with us for three weeks, most of which was a pleasure. Thank God their home was not destroyed and they were able to move back. As they packed up their belongings and left, alone with some care packages for their freezer (brisket, vegetable soup, lasagna etc), they breezily waved good-bye and loaded up the car. Not a word of thanks. I was stunned and disheartened. Where did I go wrong?

Discouraged Mom

Dear Despairing Mom,

This seems to be my week for frustrated and discouraged parents. First, read my response to the previous writer.

Second, while I can’t provide an excuse for the behavior, I think I can offer an explanation. I think their behavior is reflective of their generation. It is an age of entitlement. I know I’m echoing many articles on the subject but there is a reason for all those essays! Our children expect to be taken care of, to be supported in all respects. They see it as their due.

Not all children behave this way and we certainly need to model gratitude. But again, even if we do, there is no guarantee our children will model it in return, especially if society around them is teaching the opposite lesson. There are so many complicated factors shaping our children’s actions and their expectations and those of their peers to be taken care of is a prime example of the power of outside influence. The type of change needed to reverse this trend may start at home but it is societal and systemic and needs a broader effort. Teachers, politicians, well-meaning relatives – everyone has to participate in a process to reduce expectation and to encourage gratitude.

But we, as parents, also need to change our attitude. Like all giving, taking care of our children should be done without any expectations of reward or return, including thank you, and only because there is a need and we want to meet it. We want to be givers. And, as I’ve said many times, I believe parenting (like burying the dead) is a chesed shel emet, a true kindness where the goal is solely for the benefit of the recipient. We really can’t change anyone else (note to writer of letter one) but we can change ourselves and our attitude which will actually make all the difference.

-- Emuna

Overprotective Parent?

Dear Emuna,

My son likes to ride his bike to school. I encourage him to do so – both for the exercise and for the convenience to me. However, he thinks it’s uncool to wear his helmet and I’m concerned for his safety. What do you recommend?

Overprotective parent?

Dear Appropriately Protective Parent,

I am so on your side. I know of too many dangerous bicycle accidents to have any tolerance for biking without a helmet. We have a good friend who suffered serious brain damage when biking with his daughter without a helmet. And many more friends who almost did. While being uncool is always an adolescent concern that we want to try to be sensitive to and not just mock, safety trumps all. Either your son wears his helmet or he loses his biking privileges and you may have to bite the bullet and drive him to school.

It goes without saying that his safety trumps your inconvenience. Hopefully it won’t reach that point and you will be able to convince him to ride safely. Like with cars (which are the next level up) I try to impress upon my children two things: 1. I only have one of you so I’m not willing to take any chances and 2. I trust you but there are a lot of crazy drivers out there who I don’t trust. This will allow your son to “save face” by blaming the helmet on his (over!) protective parents and other drivers. Hang tough.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 16

(14)
Nancy,
September 17, 2013 1:48 AM

Re: The couple who had gone through Hurricane Sandy. Please do give them the benefit of the doubt. I went through it as well, and I can tell you it was quite traumatic. As the cliche goes, if my head were not attached to my neck it would have gotten lost! I was and am most appreciative of the love and support I got from friends and family, but I don't even REMEMBER whether I said the actual words thank you.

(13)
Anonymous,
December 7, 2012 5:59 AM

Partially .......

Mrs. Braverman overlooks the commandment: Honor your Father & Mother. Today's adult "children" (with some exceptions) still behave like children expecting to be given everything - regardless of the parent's financial ability - and nary a "thank you" for the effort by the parent.
Older parents need to take some responsibility for this, as we were encouraged in the 1970's to give unconditional love, regardless of the child's behaviour.
We were taught WRONGLY by so-called experts. Schools mimicked this attitude & erosion of any type of authority began to take place. TV shows are the worst offenders, depicting parents as stupid, greedy, or both. Often, the youngster had all the answers & corrected the parents in every aspect of life. It may be too late to change this, but aging parents need to take control of their lives & focus on what we need as we age. Our children will not be there to take care of elderly parents - they'll leave this to government and nursing homes.
Sad outcome, but true.

Dana,
December 7, 2012 8:04 PM

I can't agree more!

My daughter is 21 and I can't help but feel I failed as a mother. However, despite multiple attempts at a "redo", she rejects my every effort. She is so rebellious, she has chosen to be homeless rather than accepting a mentor to redirect her path.
I've found many parents in the same situation. All we can do is pray. I know this in my head, but I can't seem to get it through my heart.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 28, 2012 10:36 PM

Is Gratitude Mandatory?

My youngest son, who was not married at the time, once remarked that if I expect to be thanked for something and don't get the thanks, I'll be disappointed.
Moral of that lesson- don't have any expectations.
Juxtapose that with the meaning of yehudi- to give thanks or acknowledge.

(11)
David A Fairman,
November 27, 2012 7:08 AM

Every "hero" of the Bible had trouble raising their children. Adam raised Cain, Noah had Ham, Abraham had both Isaac and Ishmael. In Shoftim there is a bad character who is called ben MeNashe, with a large letter nun. Comentators say that the writer did not want to openly say Ben Moshe, the son of Moses. Jacob and twin Esau were so different. The sons of David...etc.
Why does our Torah emphasize this aspect of parenthood. [Even our Creator and heavenly Father ...]

(10)
Boca Mom,
November 26, 2012 6:04 PM

I think you missed something

Yes, I agree that you have to give whether you get a thank you or not (always, not just for children, I think for any circumstance) BUT, if your children hurt your feelings because they don't say thank you and you don't tell them you are hurt, you damage the relationship. Honest sharing of hurtful actions and the dialog from it will make the relationship stronger and the hurt will go away. They probably were just so excited to finally go home that they forgot and didn't mean to hurt you. Either way, don't hide your feelings from your own children. Love is about honest communication.

(9)
Anonymous,
November 26, 2012 8:45 AM

A mother does have away to remake their children.

I once heard from Rav Leib Keleman (and I hope I remember it correctly) that the more we work on our selves and work on our own traits- we CAN have an effect on our children no matter their age or even proximity. It is a spiritual connection as well as a role model. But it goes without saying one should not impose discipline or criticism, just be aware of oneself.

(8)
Emily,
November 26, 2012 2:27 AM

How about giving the benefit of the doubt? Re: entitlement

How about a little benefit of the doubt? Of course these kids should have said thank you- but no doubt they have just been through something sressful and traumatic. Perhaps they were a bit overwhlemed and stressed out? Put yourself in their shoes as hurricane victims before judging!

(7)
Shaindy,
November 25, 2012 10:32 PM

Garbage about mine being an 'age of entitlement'

Please, Emuna, don't generalise about people in their late 20s to late 30s, as I assume the children are in the second letter. If I had been one of the children in the second letter, I would have been falling all over myself to give thanks to my parents/in-laws. I would have been helping with chores - dishes, cleaning, etc. And when we left, there would have been more thanks. I rather think that teaching the children how to show appreciation and gratitude wasn't taught as well as it should have been in childhood.

(6)
Emma,
November 25, 2012 10:04 PM

Wearing a helmet is a must!

Our family is familiar with a young man who would frequently drive around on his motorcycle, but without wearing a helmet. He was a good driver and generally stayed off of the highways, but one day in town he got into an accident. The injury to his brain means that he is still in a coma, and it has been over a month now.
Bicycles are not as unsafe as motorcycles, but they are similar in that they do not give the driver the same protection that they would have if they were driving a car. Therefore, the driver has to supplement their riding with a helmet, knee pads, elbow-pads, and so on. Your son wouldn't ride in the car without a seatbelt no matter how good of a driver you or he is, so why would he go without a helmet in a vehicle that is even less safe?

(5)
Anonymous,
November 25, 2012 9:38 PM

A Cool Helmet

Your son wants to look "cool". Take him to the store and let him choose a cool helmet. He may be less embarrassed and not dislike wearing it so much

D.,
November 26, 2012 1:54 PM

Better yet

...take him to a place where they airbrush custom made helmets and let him be the coolest kid on the block!

(4)
Barb,
November 25, 2012 7:07 PM

To the mom who didn't hear a thank you

I must say that while I agree with Emuna's advice and thoughts, I also believe we can train our children to say thank you. I'm doing it with my daughter. She thanks me for yummy Shabbos food and when I buy her things. I know we cannot control, shape, etc. other people, but I think we can Yes teach our children to express appreciation.

(3)
Gabriel,
November 25, 2012 5:05 PM

First Chance

The Torah says that the Grandparents help raise the grandchildren. So it's not too late to help shape your daughter's children into G-d-fearing, Torah-learning people.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 25, 2012 3:56 PM

Second Chance Mom

Take it from me - there is no second chances - I learned the hard way. We came to know HaShem when she was 13. She liked the good parts, but was "embarrassed" in front of her peers - so she lived a double life and by 17, we totally "lost her". She is married with three kids -her marriage has been a rolloer coaster and we are "close", but not the close it could have been. I have tried to "reprogram" her, but it has led to a very strained relationship, where all the formalities are there, but much resentment. The more I "try" to bridge that, the deeper I seem to go in the opposite direction. I feel HaShem has let me know its time to cut the apron strings - very very very hard thing after 33 years of protecting and feeling responsibility. My avice: do not even get started! You will lose more than you will gain in the long run. Just BE the person you would want her to be, and pray it will rub off and leave it in HaShem's hand. Also, very hard to do - but it is the only option.

(1)
ana,
November 25, 2012 12:21 PM

about the bicycle riding child

tell his non helmet wearing self: "behaving like an idiot is NOT cool." and then show him videos of people who could have been saved had they worn their helmets. he should be advised that he can't ride around like a "cool person" (read: person who behaves like IDIOT) if his skull is sliced in half. Cool is being intelligent, knowing the facts, and taking care of one's health, safety, and life. P.S you had better nip in the bud what he thinks is "cool" before he starts to drive i.e. driving fast and drinking while driving are dangerous and IDIOTIC behaviors, and most definitely NOT cool. playing around with one's own life and the lives of others -- through carelessness, recklessness, or putting a heavy foot on the gas as if no one else could do something so amazing -- are NOT cool.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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