Saturday, August 30, 2014

Swings & Roundabouts

One thing both fatigue and depression do exceptionally well, individually, is negate my ability to love. If there is an off switch, they're the only things that have access to it. There are plenty of days I step outside knowing I'll have to go through the motions because I trust – I must – that it will return. Let none of my relationships suffer for what is the consequence of an internal battle.
As a result, one of the best heralds of an upswing is that switch being flicked again, and the love gushes out everywhere. It smothers that damn budgie, leaves J mewling on the couch and me sitting here, looking at the ordinary lives into which I'm allowed to view on social media, and just loving you. There are so many extraordinary people in my world, I've a bounty no thief can steal.
So, let me love you, now, while the ability is with me and my heart beats strong. To be alive is a gift and a torture, but it is you who make it worth living.

Okay, this has made tears pour from my eyes. I don't know(yet) from what putrid well your fatigue and depression spring but I have CFS/ME and on the bad days you speak of here the guilt comes along and spreads itself over everything like a blanket and I start believing I didn't ever really have a heart fit for love, that that was a delusion.

And then the next day that delusion lifts and there it is beating again and a couple of people still remain