Your -1th source for Halo satire.

Main Menu

NEWS: Ur-Didact Targets Speedrunners

After his second defeat at the hands of the completely OP Master Chief, the Ur-Didact appears to have removed humans from his crosshairs and is now targeting his (lack of) Composers at a very different community: speedrunners (individuals who strive to complete campaign missions as quickly as possible). Although composed, the Ur-Didact still remains a very serious threat, and explained his distaste for speedrunners over the gigantic TV screens at Times Square, New York City.

In your insolence, speedrunners, I see you all arrogantly burning through levels without even a breath to acknowledge the compassion that 343 Industries placed into creating them. You disregard the welfare of the games you tread, and thus…must be punished. This is a kindness you do not deserve.

After announcing his intentions, the Ur-Didact used a Composer to digitize all speedrunners existing in New York City. When the New York Police Department sought to arrest him, including Detective Mac Taylor from CSI: New York, the Ur-Didact unleashed an army of Promethean Police Dogs to scatter his foes; it worked. What is left of the NYPD is now an imminent cancellation of a TV series that (for some reason) has a desaturation filter that makes it extremely depressing to watch, and the ashes of Gotham and a statue of Bane. The Ur-Didact has also stated distaste for the term “Speedrunner” itself, taking it as an insult to the Forerunners in how it seemingly replaces ‘Fore’ with the drug known as ‘Speed.’

Despite the dangers, HaloSwallower has sent a Sangheili warlord, Jul ‘Mdama, to speak with the Ur-Didact and interview him on more details about his distaste for Speedrunners.

Jul ‘Mdama (translated from Sangheili): “Other than what you mentioned at New York City, why attack Speedrunners instead of humans?”

Ur-Didact: “Why? You call yourself ‘Hand of the Didact,’ why would you question the intentions of your master? Aya, but you won my respect when you spoke with me the first time; explain to you I shall. The reason I attack speedrunners, rather than the naive beings that are human, is because speedrunners have secured themselves as affronts to the Mantle for eons without punishment. That is unacceptable.”

Jul ‘Mdama: “How are they ‘affronts to the Mantle?'”

Ur-Didact: “Their entire foundation rests upon ignoring greatness where it may lie. In a game with such wonders, in a game where countless warriors spent millennia untold on crafting every shred of it, bypassing it until only minutes remain…is a crime beyond redemption. It is an insult to those who built it, and dishonors us all.”

Jul ‘Mdama: “I see. Your cause is noble, to be sure. But is wiping them out truly necessary, Didact?”