Are You Bad in Bed?

"Having a lot of sexual experience, is often mentioned as key to being a good lover; it is not—except insofar as it leads one to understand that what works—what is pleasant and exciting to one individual—may very well be unpleasant to someone else."

93 VIews

How do you know when you suck in the bedroom when no-one ever tells you? Grievously, each one of the men I’ve been with lately needs a refresher course in sex or sign-up for Kinkster’s “Power Bottom Bootcamp!”

I can hear you instantly saying to yourself, “what makes you an authority in sex or how do you even know you’re good in bed?” A valid question, but one I can only respond this way. I’ve been told numerous times how good of a top I am. Plus, I have a lot of repeat visitors, which in my opinion is an indication I might not be an expert but am satisfactorily-competent in bed.

First, I don’t like porn, nor do I watch it alone or with someone else. I started my sexual experience in college, and that person was my partner for more than 10 years. We learned the essence of sex together.

Sex education for the majority of gay men comes from watching porn, but as Jameela Jamil said, that’s like learning how to drive by watching the Fast and Furious, which is a bad idea. From personal experience, the men I’ve been with recently had a mechanical technique and lacked emotion, intimacy, and the ability to connect was missing, and I blame it on porn.

If you think about it, most men watch porn at home alone, and the constant novelty of it creates a new dimension within their psyche, which explains why a lot of gay men are into voyeurism or why group sex is the norm in the community.

Porn is different from real sex. I pride myself on being passionate, making a connection, and being intimate when having sex, even when it’s a one night stand! Lately, I’ve noticed more and more that gay men specifically are uncomfortable with those three words and the acts that come with them. They have a numbed pleasure response to the feelings associated with love, romance, and good old fashioned sex.

Do you think porn is killing your sexual performance?

Here is something interesting by Robert Weiss from Psychology Today, “many males in their sexual prime, now suffer from sexual dysfunction, and their dysfunction appears to be directly related to their use of online pornography. Interestingly, this issue is not entirely due to the frequency of masturbation and orgasm outside a primary relationship (i.e., the need for a sexual refractory period in which males ‘reload,’ so to speak). In reality, the problem is increasingly related to the fact that when a guy spends 70, 80, or even 90 percent of his sex life masturbating to online porn—endless images of sexy, exciting, constantly changing partners and experiences—he is, over time, likely to find his real-world partner less stimulating than the visuals parading through his mind.”

Let’s circle back to my original point, how can you tell you’re not satisfying in the sack? It’s hard to say if no-one is telling you or advising you.

Here are a few things I consider when determining whether a guy is bad in bed:

1. He can achieve erections and orgasms with pornography, but he struggles with me, his in-person partner.

2. Increasingly prefers porn to real-world sex, finding it more intense and more engaging.

3. Can maintain an erection with real-world partners, but he can only achieve orgasm by replaying porn clips in his mind.

Let’s be honest, if a guy can’t get it up, keep it up, or reach orgasm, then his partner’s sexual pleasure is also likely to be diminished.

Ironically, the last guy I was with I explained that he wasn’t that great in bed, even though he was someone I seriously liked and would have been delighted to see again. When I told him we had an intense discussion. He agreed that he had issues connecting sexually. He recalls growing up and not being embraced by his parents. He also revealed he correlated sex with porn. I inquired if anyone ever told him he wasn’t great in bed, and he replied, “no!”

Then I proposed the same question, “how would you ever know you’re not great in bed if no-one ever told you?” He stumbled on his words for a few minutes, but could not answer the question. I then asked, do you have guys calling you back, and once again, he replied with a hard, “no!”

I asked him if he ever thought about it and he pondered the question, and said, “I never thought about it.” By this point, I wanted to change the subject because I didn’t want to appear judgmental or critical of his performance.

His transparency is what I loved most about him because he was able to have an open and honest discussion about sex, and that’s what’s sex-positive is all about.

Whether you’re great in bed or require a few refresher tips, I think it’s not going to happen when you’re either learning from or trying to reenact scenes from porn. Sex education for gay men is basically non-existent. Having a great time in the sack depends on whether I’m with the right partner or not. “In order to be sure of pleasing a particular sexual partner, it is necessary to be attuned to that person. So, someone may be ‘good in bed’ with one partner and not the next. What counts is how much effort someone is willing to exert. The same principles–enthusiasm and a desire to please another person–are fundamental to many different kinds of encounters. Such as a first date, a job interview, sales, teaching, marriage in general.” (Psychology Today)