Discipline Methods

Anyone have good tips for a pregnant mother with a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old who love to hit, scratch, shove, slap, kick, etc? My old assistant (who is now working somewhere else) said we are spoiling them, and they need to be spanked. My new assistant is lovely with them, and tries to divert them as opposed to physical punishment (we are against it! But maybe we are wrong....), but both of these helpers have never had children, and I have researched a bunch, and come up with many conflicting "expert" ideas. Are there any moms out there who have had success with a discipline method? We have been doing time outs with the 3 year old, and I haven't seen much of a difference, but he is not as bad as the 1 year old, who doesn't understand time outs. Sigh. :)

Replies to This Discussion

Of course, part of this is just their ages. They are just now learning self control. It does get easier as they get older and learn to communicate more. It sounds more like a bump in the road... and I know I've been there.

I have no problem spanking my kids when it's appropriate, but I also know it's hard to teach your child not to hit by hitting them. My sister-in-law found a wonderful book called Discipline Without Distress by Judy Arnall that I have found to be a valuable resource. She offers discipline techniques that do not involve spanking that are realistic and doable. It's hard to figure out what will work...good luck and hang in there!!

www.askingjane.com This is the best website ever. She is a mom of ELEVEN (!) wonderful children (one of her oldest is one of my best friends). Her parenting style is one of love and compassion and yet expectations. Her kids are all amazing people. She takes email questions and answers them weekly and there is also a list of already answered questions. My friend set up the blog originally to ask her mom questions and be able to share what her mom says with her friends.
People without kids have no clue - sorry to anyone is was just offended by that. When you have kids, you'll agree :)

I have to say that I appreciate seeing a discussion like this where people are not freaking out about discussing spanking.....
IMHO, the dividing line between a beating and a spanking is this....a beating is when you are ANGRY and spank! I get so tired of people assuming that you must be angry and frustrated because you spank. I have several times had to ask my husband to take care of a situation, when I knew that a spanking was needed and I was angry and therefore not qualified to give it or had to wait to give it until I had calmed down and was no longer angry.
A spanking is when you are calm, rational, and able to think clearly. You care about your child and want them to know that their behavior is absolutely unacceptable. And of course a spanking is not the only disiplinary option for every situation. It should be reserved for "special occasions".
Let me just say that my children have been spanked for hitting each other and they rarely hit each other any more, because they know what to expect. I rarely have to spank for any reason.
I got spankings from my mom, and I believe that my husband got beatings from his parents. I can easily see why if you were beaten growing up (and had no experience with discipline from a loving parent who sincerely wants the best for you) why you might have a problem with "spanking".
The opinions of psychologists and doctors can and do change...........a little common sence can go a long way.

I am with Kaitlin on this one. You're trying to teach your children that we don't use physical violence when someone does something that we don't like, yet you are doing exactly what you don't want your child to do. There is nothing my child could do so wrong that would cause me to even think about hitting her. Should we get physically punished for making mistakes or doing something wrong? Do to others as you would have done to you.

This has been a good discussion. Another point I'd like to make is that it's about finding whatever works for YOU. You need to feel confident in your parenting because when you do, you're children will be able to sense that you are in control. Being young, they like to have control, but don't respond well when they don't have the overall structure that a confident parent can give them. They need us to be in charge and show them the way. It would be like going to a new city without a guide; they are young and need a guide.

Remember there is no right or wrong answer, find what works for you and your family.

Rachel- when you said she had 11 children I thought, well, she's probably LDS. And then I went to the link, and sure enough...Jane and her family are Mormons! I was laughing, and when I read some of her advice, and I think it applies to all families- she's a genius. I'm going to read more....

Good thoughts! Child training is such an important issue. I wish more people would realize that many (if not most) of the parents who choose to spank, do it because they LOVE their children!! I believe that children should be spanked for disobedience and when they are being willfully sinful (like hurting another child or throwing a tantrum). Consistency is imperative. We're not perfect parents, but we try to diligently train them to know what is right and wrong. Spankings are few in our house! Our children are joyful, loving, and pleasant to be around!!

In addition to the other words of advice on spanking that have already been shared, I wanted to add one more thing. Spanking should be a sting to the skin, not a blow to impact the structure of the body. The motion used should be slightly from the elbow, but mostly from the wrist. It should not be a blow from the force of your entire arm and shoulder. A spanking should do no lasting damage.

This has been a very productive discussion on discipline. I do, however, resent the implication from some that when i spank my kids I am unloving and/or abusive. My children understand spanking as a consequence to their actions, not as myself or my husband lashing out at them in anger. Something that no one has mentioned, is the fact that spanking is not something that is really productive(IMO), with an older child. I believe for MOST kids, much past the age of 6 or 7, there are much more productive methods of disciplining your children. For example, it doesn't do me as much good to spank my five yr old as a punishment, as it does to take away play date or favorite toy. My two year old however, doesn't have the presence of mind to remember very far in to the future that she has lost something she wanted as a result of her actions. Therefore a more physical form of punishment, be that a time out, vinegar in the mouth(apple cider, used for back talk), or a spanking, is a better way to teach her that there are undesirable consequences to her undesirable actions. My husband always says that we spank our kids now, so that when they are older, and are tempted to push the limits to a greater extreme, it will be ingrained in them that mom and dad mean it when we set boundaries, and when they are crossed, there are consequences.