Disclaimer: This is fanfic, based on the show Once A Thief. Characters are property
of Alliance. This story was written for fun, not profit.Go to author's notes.

Pie In The Sky

(and on your clothes, and on your face, and in your hair...)

by: Shadowscast

Six Agency vehicles skidded and slid to a halt on the crushed gravel outside the commercial bakery. Li Ann jumped out of her car, only to stop and stare at Vic emerging from his truck. He was wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist, and his shoulder holster.

"Why are you naked?" Li Ann demanded.

Vic's cheeks flushed. "I was in the shower at the gym when the red alert went off. There was no time to get my clothes." Then he noticed who else was climbing out of Li Ann's car. "Hey, what's Nathan doing here?"

Li Ann shrugged. "I was with him when the red alert went off. There wasn't time to ditch him."

There was no more chance for pleasantries. The Director, stepping down out of Dobrinsky's Hummer, snapped her fingers to get everyone's attention.

"We're going in now," she said. "Mr. Dobrinsky and I will go look for a back entrance. The rest of you, go in the front way."

No one heard him. The Director and Dobrinsky had already disappeared around the corner of the building, running. Vic, Li Ann, Mac, Jackie and the Cleaners were filing through the bakery's front door with their guns drawn. Nathan hesitated, glancing nervously around the empty parking lot, then followed them in.

***

The agents met their targets in a large kitchen area. The six evildoers, hearing the agents' footsteps, ducked for cover behind the large, island-style counter in the middle of the room. The agents took cover on the other side. Shots fired wildly over the top forced them to keep their heads down.

Nathan ran into the room just behind them. "Oh oh," he said under his breath, facing a masked evildoer with a machine gun.

"Nathan! Get down!" Li Ann yelled, and Vic simultaneously reached up, grabbed Nathan's collar, and yanked him to the floor.

Vic let go of Nathan's shirt, and Nathan gulped. "Here, take this," Vic said, handing Nathan a spare gun. Nathan stared at the gun in his hand with trepidation, while Vic went back to firing shots over the top of the island.

Murphy and Camier, meanwhile, held a whispered conference. Coming to a conclusion, they nodded to each other, and Camier leaned over and said in an undertone to the other agents, "If you would be so kind as to provide some covering fire for us?"

Jackie, Li Ann, Mac and Vic were happy to oblige. With the new barrage forcing the evildoers to keep their heads below the top of the island, the Cleaners stood up and raked the other side of the room with fire from their machine guns. They were not at an angle to shoot the evildoers themselves - but they shot up a high shelf over the evildoers' heads, which was loaded with industrial-size bags of flour. They managed to shoot out the shelf supports, while riddling the flour bags with bullet holes. In seconds, the shelf collapsed, dropping hundreds of kilos of flour onto the evildoers' position. A cloud of white dust rose up and swirled around, filling the room.

The agents cautiously peeked over the island to see what had happened.

Mac swore to himself, and stood up fully. "Hold your fire!" he yelled.

Allies and enemies were shocked into compliance. "What's the problem?" asked one of the evildoers, standing up to face Mac. His black outfit and face mask were now covered with white powder.

"Flour dust's explosive. Fire a gun, it could set it off, blow us all up."

The evildoers, the Cleaners, Jackie and Vic all stared at Mac like he'd grown a second head. Nathan just stared at the gun Vic had given him, sweating.

"Since when are you Elmer the Safety Elephant?" Vic finally managed to say.

Li Ann stood up, next to Mac. "He's right. None of us can fire guns in here, it's too dangerous." She gave a little shiver, remembering the massive roar when the flour mill in Hong Kong had exploded with Mac still inside.

The rest of the agents stood up, as did the flour-coated evildoers on the other side of the island.

"Well, if we can't shoot each other," said an evildoer, rather petulantly, "how are we supposed to finish this fight?"

And all at once, everyone's gaze fell to the top of the island. There they were, freshly-baked and ready to be packaged: row upon row upon row of cream pies.

Jackie grabbed a pie. "Bonsai!!!" she yelled, and hurled it across the island, smacking an evildoer right in the face. Everyone else hesitated, puzzled, staring at her.

Vic was the first to get it. "Uh, I think she meant bonZAI!" he explained helpfully, throwing a second pie across the room.

At that point, of course, all hell broke loose.

Cream pies flew in all directions, as shadowy government agents and evildoers alike tried to disable their opponents.

Nathan, confused, raised his head above the level of the island. Immediately he was hit with a chocolate cream pie.

"You all right?" Vic called out to him, keeping one eye on the evildoers, and reaching for another pie.

"Y-yes, sure," Nathan nodded, sinking down to the floor again and allowing himself to edge imperceptibly closer to Vic's feet. "I'll just wait here."

Li Ann swiped her hand over her face, sending chunks of cream and lemon filling flying. Her annoyance at getting hit was tempered when she opened her eyes in time to see Jackie taking one in the face herself. Li Ann smiled, grabbed another pie and rejoined the battle.

The Cleaners fought efficiently, grim-faced, as though their weapons were grenades, or perhaps throwing knives, but certainly not delicious baked goods.

A pie hit Mac square in the chest, and he looked down in dismay at the mess it had made of his suit. He grimaced. "That does it, no more Mr. Nice Guy." He grabbed another pie off the table and wound up like a baseball pitcher, and sent the pie flying straight at the evildoer who'd wounded his suit - who unfortunately ducked at the last moment. The pie sailed over the evildoer's back, and hit the Director in the face. She and Dobrinsky had just come through the door behind the evildoers.

"Uh oh," Mac said under his breath. "I'm dead." He continued a little louder, starting to back out of the room, "You guys can finish up without me, right? I'll see you back at the, uh, bar."

The evildoers hadn't noticed the rear assault yet. Heroically, Vic sacrificed himself to distract them, and give the Director and Dobrinsky the chance to take them out properly.

"Hey!" he yelled at the evildoers. "I forgot to mention earlier, your leader is a mangy chimpanzee and your manifesto reads like it was written by a sleep-deprived twelve-year-old!"

Six pies flew through the air and smacked into Vic. The incredible barrage knocked him off his feet. But his ruse had been successful - in the blink of an eye, the Director and Dobrinsky managed to disable four of the six evildoers. Li Ann and Jackie rushed around the island and subdued the remaining two.

Vic, sitting on the floor, found himself at eye-level with Nathan. He shrugged at the librarian. "Well, that wasn't so bad."

Nathan blinked at him. His face was still covered with smushed chocolate and whipped cream.

The Director came by them, leading an evildoer in handcuffs. She looked down at them. "We're all done here. Nathan," she said gently, "You can have the rest of the day off. Vic, you find Mac. I want the two of you back at the Agency right away. Oh, and Vic... your towel is coming off."

Vic yelped involuntarily, and his hands leapt to his waist. His towel had indeed come untied, but it was still draped around him in a decent way. Vic felt his ears burning as he retied it. "Next time," he muttered to himself, "get dressed before the big battle."

Meanwhile the Cleaners, Dobrinsky, Jackie and Li Ann each led one evildoer out of the room in cuffs, leaving Nathan and Vic alone. Vic grabbed an apron off a nearby hook and tossed it to Nathan. "Wipe your face off. You OK to get out of here on your own?"

"I have change for the bus."

"Good."

Vic left Nathan wiping the pie off his face, and went looking for Mac. He found him skulking around a corner in a large pantry. Mac jumped when he saw Vic. "Is the Director gone?" he asked.

"Yeah, and she wants us back at the Agency. What's wrong?"

"I'm a dead man, is all. I hit the Director with a cream pie."

"It's not so bad." Vic made an effort to sound soothing. "Everyone was hitting everyone with cream pies. I'm sure she didn't even notice you're the one who got her."

Mac shook his head. "She gave me The Look." He sighed, and touched the cream-pie-smeared lapels of his suit jacket. "And, this suit is probably ruined." He said it with such a profound tone of despair that Vic was torn between the urge to kiss him and comfort him, and the urge to laugh at him for being so typically Mac.

"I'm sure the Agency will spring for a replacement," Vic said, deciding on comforting Mac instead of laughing at him. "The damages were suffered in the line of duty, after all."

"No way to replace it," Mac said. "The tailor has an exclusive contract with the Tangs." He sighed. "You were smart, leaving your clothes at the Agency."

"There, uh, wasn't time to get dressed," Vic muttered, embarrassed at having his attention drawn, for the third time, to the fact that he'd shown up for the battle wearing only a towel.

Unlike Li Ann and the Director, Mac wasn't about to let the subject drop. "Good thing we didn't get into hand-to-hand fighting," Mac grinned. "I bet the towel wouldn't have stood up to that. Might have made a good distraction, though." His eyes lit up. "Hey, wait, that's a great idea! When we get into a battle, you take your clothes off. The bad guys'll be transfixed. We'll pick them off like lawn ornaments. I'll suggest it at the next meeting."

Vic raised his right brow. "Better be careful. The Director might like the idea so much she decides to make you do it."

Mac shrugged. He ran a finger across Vic's chest, then licked his finger. "Mmm, lemon meringue."

Vic shivered. Mac's finger had just brushed the edge of his nipple. He bet Mac knew it, too. "The Director wanted us both back right away," he stressed.

"We can't go back to work in a mess like this," Mac said. "She must have expected us to go home and change, at least."

"There's a sink over there," Vic indicated with a nod. "We can clean up a bit."

Mac shrugged off his jacket, hung it on a nearby hook, and started unbuttoning his shirt. "All right."

Vic found a couple rolls of paper towels. Mac started cleaning the worst of the pie off his jacket and shirt, while Vic went over to the sink and started cleaning the sticky mess off himself.

Engaged in his task, Vic didn't notice Mac coming over to join him until he felt Mac kissing his shoulder. "Mmm, you're raspberry there," Mac murmured.

Suppressing the desire Mac's flirting awoke in him, Vic made his voice gruff and handed Mac some paper towels. "If you're going to bug me, make yourself useful and help me clean up."

Mac sighed. "All right, but I think you look good this way." He dampened the towels, and proceeded to help clean Vic off.

Mac had taken off his shirt in order to clean it, so his skin was bare now, brushing against Vic's as he leaned around him to reach bits of sticky pastry. Vic felt himself becoming quickly aroused as Mac continued to wash him. Vic reminded himself that they were supposed to go right back to the Agency - there was no time for anything else!

Suddenly, the towel came undone and slipped away from Vic's waist before he could grab it. "Ooops," said Mac, innocently. "I thought that was tied better."

Now Vic was standing there in the pantry, truly naked, and still somewhat sweet and sticky. His penis, revealed, betrayed how he'd really felt about Mac washing him.

Before Vic could make a move to get away, Mac's hand was wrapped around his dick. "You really shouldn't show up for work naked like this," Mac murmured, stroking him. "Now we're going to be late getting back to the Agency, and the Director'll be mad at me again."

In response, Vic could only moan. He let his head drop against Mac's chest. Mac threaded his fingers through Vic's short hair, and managed to get enough of a grip to pull Vic's head back so that he could kiss him on the lips. Vic felt a momentary loss as Mac's hand left his penis, and then he heard and felt Mac undoing his own belt. Vic smiled against Mac's lips. "Lube?"

The kiss ended so that Mac could scan the pantry's shelves. "Perfect," he said grabbing a bottle of olive oil. "I want to take you against the wall. What do you say?"

Vic licked his lips. He noticed how Mac's lips were red and moist from the kissing. "Yes," he said.

"But we'll be late getting back to the Agency," Mac protested, teasing now, making as if he was about to put the oil back on the shelf.

"Fuck the Agency!" Vic hated and loved how a few moments alone with Mac made him impulsive, irresponsible, and as hot-blooded as a teenager. He couldn't care less at this moment about the Director and her consequences.

Mac smirked. "I'd rather fuck you." He shoved Vic against the cinderblock wall at the end of the pantry. Vic put up his hands just in time to catch himself. The wall's surface was rough.

"This OK?" Mac asked, quickly and softly. Vic nodded impatiently. Mac had figured out early on that Vic liked to be shoved around a bit, but Mac always needed to be reassured that he wasn't going too far.

Vic felt the hot, smooth tip of Mac's dick pressing against his butt. Vic felt dizzy with anticipation. Mac thrust into him, and Vic groaned with pleasure. His fingers curled against the rough, skin-abrading surface of the wall. Mac put his hands over Vic's, covering them and pinning them in place. Vic felt Mac's lips and then his teeth against his shoulder, while Mac found his rhythm, thrusting into Vic to the beat of the blood rushing in Vic's ears. Vic knew he couldn't hold out long, not after the slow, teasing foreplay of Mac cleaning the pie off his body. Still, he struggled to postpone his release. His thoughts blurred and narrowed, so there was nothing but the rough cinderblocks against his palms, the warmth and strength of Mac's arms around him, and the fire and ice and blinding light of sex.

When Vic felt Mac gasp and bite down on his shoulder, hard, Vic let himself slide over the edge into the wondrous oblivion of orgasm.

He became aware, a few moments later, of Mac's arms wrapped around him, and Mac panting and giggling. Mac always got giddy after good sex. Vic smiled and turned around in Mac's arms, to kiss Mac to quiet him, and smooth his hair.

"Sorry, I think that's going to leave a mark," Mac said, and Vic realized he meant where he'd bit Vic's shoulder at the last moment.

"Guess I'd better find a shirt to wear," Vic said. "And maybe we should clean up here a bit?"

"Clean-up crew'll handle it."

"Right."

"Better go home, shower, get some clean clothes - then we'll go to the Agency."

"Right."

Vic found the poor, sad towel, wrapped it around his waist, and took Mac's hand and followed him out of the building. He knew that Mac would try to convince him to shower together. He knew Mac would succeed. He knew they'd be an hour late getting back to the Agency, and that the Director would make them alphabetize her March receipts or wash Dobrinsky's car collection or go on another mission involving cross-dressing seal tamers as punishment. But he didn't care. He held Mac's hand, and life was good.