A bit of my thoughts about life in general and things that keep it worth living...

25.10.06

fear of love...

Couple of beers, some snacks, National Geographic on the silent telly and three big fat joints.

It was my traditional lebaran ‘weeding’ with my cousin.

As I previously stated, I rarely see my family. So he and I were catching up on each other’s stories. He’s teaching in a university and doing his master thesis and I’m working as crazy in that same advertising agency.

Then came the discussion about our love life.

Well, my love life is surely a bit too complicated right now and well, I’m not really ready to tell him everything, so maybe one day I’ll just let the bomb drops.

But his is quite interesting too.

I won’t tell anything about his story, it would be unethical. But, among the marijuana mist, he told me about his philosophy in love.

“I wouldn’t love anyone fully because I’m afraid I would be hurt in the end.”

And I asked him, “Well, don’t you love this one fully?”

“I do, I’m very in love with her. But I just don’t want to let her know nor letting myself to really get in her.”

I scratched my head and inhaled the joint, “Wait, you’re saying you’re really in love with her, yet you don’t let her know?”

“Yeah. So I take some precautions, I maintain relationships with other ‘friends’, you know, just in case…”

I thought about my story and even I don’t do “just in case”.

“So, you’re telling me you have no major roadblocks in your way with her, but you’re doing that?”

He lit our second joint and pondered for a moment or two.

“I’m a spoiled brat, I’m afraid to lose someone I really love.”

Ok, I was a bit against that trail of thought, but well, let’s hear more from him.

“You lost both of your parents, cuz, and you became tougher on losing people, because you had like the ultimate loss in your life.”

Wrong, I could lose more precious people in life in the future, but that’s another story.

So I said to him, “But don’t you think that your way of handling that fear could possibly lead you into that very situation. I mean, you don’t really show your love to her and you maintain ‘friendships’ behind her back. Don’t you think it would give her reasons to leave you?”

That’s a little weird for me. Because for me, every single thing in life has an end and you have to really get into that thing until the very end. Until you dry your own blood and you know that you did everything to make it happen.

“But you’re a fighter, Dit, unlike me.”

Bullshit. If you really love someone, then you go all the way until you got her forever.

You would always face the cliff of uncertainties in life. You would always have the path split in two in front of you. Take whatever road you want but you know that you would take responsibilities for choosing that direction.

Including pain.

Part of your life.

The only thing that I don’t want is that I would regret not going the whole way for a something that I want and even more, that I love.

Some of you know that I would do that. Even if the process would hurt me, would eat me alive bit by bit.

But you have to have that courage to face it. Otherwise you would not experience life to its fullest.

And then he went on, “That’s how I see life, bro. Low risk, high profit. And I will make sure that the ways I’ll took would get me closer to that goal.”

That’s where our opinion differs actually.

Which is quite surprising for me, because for me, he is the kind of guy who would love someone with all his heart. It runs in the family. But his fear took him to a different path, and well, I do respect his choice. I’m just afraid he would be hurt even more.

Morals of the story.

First, opinion is like arsehole, everyone’s got one. Choose the one that would serve your intention best.

Second, love is too precious to hold back. Go full monty. The reward could be greater.