So this chick is married to this dude
but he’s not around a lot because he likes to travel
without his wife, I guess
or maybe she doesn’t like to travel
anyway there are clearly some deep problems with their relationship
which is why when she starts fucking this hot merchant’s son
no one is surprised
(I mean no one would be surprised if they knew about it
which they don’t.
this dame is pretty crafty, as you will see)
but then one day the dude gets in a fight with some other dude
who decides to prank him by framing him for a crime
and suddenly our heroine is running dangerously low on ilicit D.
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE

Naturally her first stop is the Chief of Police
because that’s the dude what imprisoned her boy
so she’s like “Hey
my ‘brother’ seems to have been falsely imprisoned
I am all alone without him and it is very sad
could you let him out please?”
and the Chief of Police says
very shrewdly, if I do say so:
“only if you touch my wiener.”
then
he pulls out his wiener

so the lady is like “Oh my
well
okay
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the police chief is like “hell yeah
I love being corrupt.”

The lady’s next stop is the judge
and she’s like “what up, your eminence
my ‘brother’ is wrongly imprisoned
and the police chief won’t let him go
so could you go over his head for me pretty please?”
and the judge is like “I will totally go over his head for you
but you are going to have to do a head-related thing for me as well
what i am trying to say is:
please touch my wiener.”

so the lady is like “wow
sure
okay
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the judge is like “haha yes
finally that worked.”

the lady’s next stop is the grand vizier
advisor to the king, chief administrator, secret traitor, whatever
and before she can speak he stops her and he’s like “no no
don’t tell me
you’re here to touch my wiener.”
and she’s like “No I’m here to ask you to release my ‘brother’ from jail”
and the vizier is like “uh huh
like I said
you’re here to touch my wiener”

so the lady’s like “you know what
sure
whatever
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the vizier is like “score
this is way easier than tinder”

the final stop on this shame-train is the sultan
so the lady walks in like “hello your majesty, I’m -”
and the sultan is like “NOT UNLESS YOU TOUCH MY WEINER”
and she’s like “OKAY FINE
BUT LET’S DO IT AT MY PLACE
TOMORROW.”
and the king is like “aw yeah
i still got it baby”

now I know what you’re thinking, dear reader
you’re thinking that this woman
has just set up the most high-powered surprise orgy of all time
but read on and you will see that what she is really planning
is in fact far far dumber than that.
You see, her next stop is a carpenter
and she’s like “Hey bro
can you build me a cabinet with four locking compartments
the compartments should be human-sized please”
and the carpenter is like “sure
that’ll be four gold please
unless …
…
…
DOT DOT DOT”
and she’s like “MY PLACE, TOMORROW.
And make it FIVE compartments.”

So the carpenter stays up all night making the cabinet
and then he crashes out and the lady takes it to her house
and gets all dressed up
just in time for the judge to arrive
and the judge is like “hey babe
I hope you’re ready to touch my wiener”
and she’s like “take off your clothes”
and he’s like “ooh okay”
and then she’s like “put on these shittier clothes”
and he’s like “uhh okay”
and then a knock comes at the door
and he’s like “who’s that?”
and she’s like “OH FUCK IT’S MY HUSBAND
GET IN THE BOTTOM COMPARTMENT OF THIS CABINET”
so he jumps in and she locks him inside
and then goes and lets the police chief in
who is like “knock knock
(who’s there?)
my wiener
(my wiener who?)
touch my wiener
please touch it”
(don’t hesitate to try this sweet pickup line on your next date)
but the lady is like “slow down there cowboy
first write me a letter of unconditional release for my ‘brother'”
and he’s like “done”
and she’s like “now take off your clothes and put on these shitty ones”
and he’s like “done
now about those wiener-touches…”
and she’s like “OH SHIT MY HUSBAND IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR PLEASE HIDE”
and she locks him in the second compartment of the cabinet.

She pulls this EXACT SAME TRICK on the vizier, the sultan, AND the carpenter
(who really should know better because he built the damn cabinet)
despite the fact that the police chief ALREADY GAVE HER EVERYTHING SHE NEEDED
she straight up DOES NOT NEED TO IMPRISON ANYONE ELSE
so either she’s pioneering a medieval version of “to catch a predator”
or this is her idea of letting them down easy.

either way
once she has locked basically the whole government in a cabinet
(along with a carpenter)
she takes the letter to the treasurer
collects her boytoy
sells everyone’s fancy clothes
and skips town to avoid justice
leaving the sultan, the vizier, the chief of police and the judge
locked in a cabinet
FOR THREE DAYS
without food or water
until finally the carpenter gives up and pisses himself
and the piss drips on the sultan
who gives up and pisses on the vizier
who pisses on the police chief
who pisses on the judge.
it’s a whole piss party in this nasty cabinet
when a couple of the neighbors finally come over
because all the screaming is starting to disturb them
and when they figure out who’s in the cabinet
(and simultaneously solve the mystery
of why crime has gone totally unpunished for the last three days)
they bust them out
starving and covered in urine
to face the harsh light of a new day.
Then they all send for new clothes and go out for tacos.
Seriously
no consequences for anybody
other than the severe psychological trauma
of being locked in a mahogany piss-tub for half a week
but hey
that’s life?

So the moral of the story
is always take bribes in cash.
handjobs are not a fungible commodity.

So today I was just hanging out
you know
contemplating my mortality
and I was like man
it sure would be cool if I could cheat death
I wonder if there are any stories about that.
It turns out there are
there are a ton of stories about thatbut this one is better so here it is:

One time in Baghdad
like, before it was shitty
there was this merchant with loads of dough
(I am using dough here to refer to money
although maybe he traded in actual dough too
I dunno
I’m a storyteller, not an economist)
and one day he is feeling pretty chill
so he tells his servant to go out to the market and get some brews.
The servant goes to the market alright
but he comes back WOEFULLY UN-BREWED
plus he is flipping the hell out
he is like “BOSS
BOSS
I just saw DEATH.
Like, the actual personification of death was walking through the market.
I ran into her
and she turned and saw me
and she was like ‘WHOA!
YOU!’
which is NOT A THING YOU WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
in fact I am pretty sure there is NOTHING I WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
I would MUCH PREFER if death was too far away for me to hear.
Boss, please
lemme borrow one of your horses
I am gonna ride all night to Samarra
which is really far away
so death will totally not find me.”
Now, this is a pretty bullshitty story
plus the servant’s endgame here isn’t clear
like, is he gonna come back to Baghdad once he’s no longer worried about death?
is he gonna hole up in a little cottage with “NO DETH ALLOWED” scrawled on a sign out front?
but the merchant is an economist, not a sorcerer
he doesn’t think about these obvious problems.
Instead he’s just like “Sure dude, I have a ton of horses
borrow one, I don’t care.
You’ve got some saved up PTO anyway.
Technically this might even count as medical leave.
Go nuts.”
and the servant is like “WAY AHEAD OF YOU”
and then he grabs a horse and rides as fast as he can to Samarra.

So once his servant is gone
along with his fastest horse
it finally occurs to the merchant that maybe he should check out the servant’s story
so he goes down to the marketplace
just kind of searching for somebody who looks like death
and what do you know, death’s still hanging out in the marketplace
having a burger
and the merchant is like “yo, death
what the fuck
why’d you threaten my employee?”
and death is like “lol
what?
You mean that dude from earlier?
I didn’t threaten him
I was just surprised to see him
BECAUSE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET UP WITH HIM TONIGHT IN SAMARRA.”
and the merchant is like “Oh DAAAAAAAAAMN.”
and then he never gets his horse back.

The moral of the story is don’t lend your horses to people
horses are valuable and people are idiots.

So this whole time
while I’ve been telling you other stuff
and getting drunk and riding bikes and shitthis Scheherezade chick has NOT STOPPED TELLING STORIES
FOR REAL
Think of how many stories you would tell
if telling stories night after night was your only shot at survival
and then SEXTUPLE that number
because every character in every story Scheherezade tells
shares her pathological fixation on telling fucking stories
for real
it’s stories all the way down
more stories than two Shanghai Towers with a Burj Khalifa up their butt
what i am trying to convey to you with these words
is that this bitch tells her some TALES

But even Scheherezade gets tired of telling stories sometimes
actually especially her, because instead of sleeping she TELLS STORIES
so she asked me to fill in for her this week
and I cannot say no to a beautiful woman.
it is a problem.

SO THERE’S THIS HUNCHBACK
he is so drunk his blood is like 200% alcohol by volume
he is wandering around the street
banging his tambourine
being aggressively useless
because if there is one thing that sucks
it’s hunchbacks
(sorry hunchbacks, I have inherited Scheherezade’s somewhat insensitive attitude towards you
she is a clever lady
but she is not super enlightened
she is from the past)

Anyway this crook-spined bastard is making a racket outside this tailor’s shop
and the tailor is like oh boy
time to fuck with some hunchbacks
HEY BUDDY
WANNA COME OVER FOR FREE FOOD?
and the hunchback is like BLRUGHGHARHGH
I MEAN YES
THOSE PREVIOUS NOISES WERE JUST ME PURGING MY STOMACH
IN PREPARATION FOR RECEIVING YOUR FREE FOOD

so they have dinner
the tailor’s wife makes fish
but instead of observing traditional table etiquette
they stuff all the fish in the hunchback’s mouth
and then hold his mouth shut until he chokes to death
allegedly it was not their intention to make him die
but i’m not sure what else they were expecting to happen
either way he dies
and they’re like shit shit shit shit what do we do?
oh yeah
let’s frame a jewish guy

so they drag the body to this doctor’s office they know
and they tell his servant to go get the doctor because their friend is sick
and then they hide the body at the top of the doctor’s stairs and run away
the doctor comes SPRINTING out of his room
and kicks the carcass down the stairs
and then he’s like OH DANG
I JUST KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN THE STAIRS
THAT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF PROPER DOCTORING
ONLY ONE THING TO DO:
FRAME A MUSLIM DUDE

so he and his wife drag the body onto the roof of the sultan’s secretary
and use a complex system of ropes and pulleys
to dangle their improvised corpse-puppet down inside the dude’s storeroom
which they happen to know has been getting pillaged by rats
and then the secretary comes home
goes into the storeroom
and is like AW HELL NO
I THOUGHT RATS WERE EATING MY FOOD
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A DEAD HUNCHBACK
ALLOW ME TO BEAT YOU WITH STICKS
OH SHIT YOU’RE DEAD
WHAT HAVE I DONE
…
TIME TO FRAME A CHRISTIAN DUDE

So he drags the body into the street and leaves it leaning against a wall
just outside this Christian dude’s house
and the next morning, the dude wakes up
hung over as hell
but it’s a Muslim holy day
so he doesn’t want anybody to see him hung over
and sentence him to death for it
(that’s a high-stakes hangover)
but he’s still a little fucked up from the night before
so he runs into the body
and the body falls on him
and he punches it in the face
and it falls over
and at first he’s like SHIT YEAH I’M A KUNG FU MASTER
but then he’s like OH NO THE POLICE
and the police are like OH YEAHHHHH

so they arrest him and take him to be executed
but right as they’re about to lop off his head
the sultan’s secretary runs up like NO NO NO KILL ME
I’M THE ONE WHO BEAT THE HUNCHBACK TO DEATH
and the executioner is like pfft, okay
but right as they’re about to lop off HIS head
the doctor runs up like NO NO NO KILL MEEEEEEEEE
I KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN SOME STAIRS
and the executioner is like sure whatever
as long as I get to kill somebody
BUT RIGHT AS THEY’RE ABOUT TO LOP OFF HIS HEAD
the tailor is suddenly overcome by guilt
and he runs up like GUYS GUYS GUYS
IF ANYBODY IS GOING TO BE KILLED
(and I sincerely hope nobody is going to be killed)
IT SHOULD TOTALLY BE ME
I “ACCIDENTALLY” FORCE-FED THIS GUY FISH UNTIL HE DIED
and the executioner is like well
as luck would have it
the punishment for that is also death

so the tailor is about to get killed
but it turns out the hunchback was the jester of some sultan
an that sultan suddenly gets curious what happened to his jester
and he finds out about this execution fiasco
and he’s like OMG LOL
THIS IS WAY FUNNIER THAN MY JESTER EVER WAS
BRING EVERYBODY TO MY HOUSE
WE GON PARTY
IT’S GONNA BE CRAY

so everyone goes over to the sultan’s house
dragging the body
and they all tell their stories again
plus the tailor tells a really long story about a barber
who happens to be in the neighborhood
so they bring the barber in
and the barber uses eldritch sorcery
(AKA the heimlich maneuver)
to bring the hunchback back to life
even though he’s been dead for a day and a half
because science!

so the moral of the story
is that killing people is okay
as long as it’s hilarious

So in honor of thanksgiving just having happened
I thought I’d do a little story
from the arabian nights
because fuck you guys I can do what I want

So there’s this dude
Kamar Al Zaman
and Kamar al Zaman is more than just a dude with an awesome name
he’s a dude with an awesome name who is a PRINCE
and Prince Kamar Al Zaman has been doing some reading
and all of his reading has convinced him
that getting married is a sucker’s game
(mainly because Arabian writers of the time had some opinions about women)
but his dad is not on board with this never-getting-married scheme
because of the very real problems inherent in a patrilineal monarchy
so when his son is like NEVER GETTIN MARRIED
the sultan goes to his advisor and is like AHHH WHAT DO I DO
and the advisor is like chill out dude
just ask him again

so the sultan goes and asks his son to get married again
and his son is like DUDE
HAVE YOU EVEN READ THESE BOOKS I AM READING?
WOMEN ARE OBJECTIVELY HORRIBLE
WHY WOULD I WANT TO SIGN A CONTRACT THAT MAKES ME PERMANENTLY HAVE TO BE CLOSE TO ONE
and the king is like son
there is a reason those books are not picture books, is all i’m gonna say
and his son is like WHATEVER DAD YOU DON’T CONTROL ME

so the sultan goes back to his vizier and is like okay dude
what’s the plan
and the vizier is like take it easy dude
all you gotta do is ask him AGAIN
but this time
do it in front of a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE
then he will be too embarrassed to say no

so that’s what the king does
he invites all his friends over and then he tells his son to come in
and he’s like hey son, any idea when you’re gonna start getting married?
and his son is like GOD, DAD
I ALREADY TOLD YOU:
WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE SOUL-VAMPIRES
PLUS
YOU ALREADY ASKED ME THIS SAME FUCKING QUESTION TWICE
AND I TOLD YOU MY ANSWER TWICE
WHAT ARE YOU, SIMPLE?

so obviously the sultan’s plan to embarrass his son has totally backfired
and he does the only thing he can do in the situation
which is to put his son under house arrest in a tower as punishment
because if your problem is that your son isn’t marrying anybody
the only logical solution is to wall him away in a tower far from ALL WOMEN
unless …
unless the plan is to make him so lonely and horny that he will welcome soul vampirism as an antidote
in which case
nice one, king

whatever the king’s plan is, we don’t get a chance to come out
because this is about when genies start showing up
the prince has cried himself to sleep
and he’s lying in bed
when this genie comes in
just cause genies like breaking into houses and shit
and she’s like WHOAH
HOLY SHIT
THIS HAS GOT TO BE
THE HOTTEST SLAB OF MAN-BACON I HAVE EVER LAID MY MAGICAL EYES ON
IF I HAD A DONG IT WOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN OUT THAT STONE WALL THERE WITH A PROJECTILE ERECTION
I GOTTA GO TELL THE OTHER GENIES

so she’s flying along
while visions of hot dudes dance in her head
when she runs face-first into another genie coming from China
and she’s like HEY GENIE FRED
GENIE FRED
I JUST SAW THE SEXIEST HUMAN IN THE WORLD
and Genie Fred
(not actually his name)
is like no
you did not
because the hottest human in the world is over in china
and you seem to be coming from exactly the wrong direction

so naturally the two genies get into a huge fight over this
and finally the first genie takes the second genie down to the prince’s room
and she’s like eh? eh?
and fred is like yawn
I mean
he’s pretty hot and everything
but I’m not really into dudes
this chick I just saw in china
(who, conveniently, has been locked up by her parents after refusing to marry)
was so bo-damn-dacious
she might just turn you gay
and the female genie is like well I have always wanted to be gay
let’s roll

so they go check out the Chinese princess
whose name is Budur
and opinions are similarly split
so they decide that the only way to settle this
is with a side-by-side comparison

normally this would be a problem
but in this case genies are involved
so they grab the prince
and they bring him to china
and they put him in the princess’s bed with her
and they look at them side by side
but they STILL can’t agree on who’s hotter
but they have an idea:
they’re gonna wake up one of these two hotties at a time
and whoever is more excited about the other’s bod
that’s the one who loses

so they wake up the prince first
and he is naturally very excited to be in bed with a total babe
so he’s all caressing her
and murmuring all manner of sweet nothings into her ear canals
but he keeps himself kind of under control
because he’s a nice dude at heart
and he doesn’t feel right about getting all rapey on the prettiest girl in the universe

but then the genies knock him out
and wake up the princess
and the first genie
well, she’s really hypercompetitive
so what she does is she turns into a flea and bites Budur right on her inner thigh
which Budur apparently mistakes for sexual arousal
and so has none of the rape-related qualms harbored by her male counterpart
she’s all grinding on him
and making out with his asleep face
and putting her signet ring on his finger
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
until finally the genies are like okay enough go back to sleep

the winner is pretty clear at this point
so having settled that matter
they pick up the prince and take him back to his castle
and the two lovers wake up in the morning like AAAAA WHERE IS MY HOTNESS

I mean, don’t worry
eventually they figure out who each other are
even though they don’t have the internet or anything
and it’s great and heartwarming
but it’s also fucking boring
so let’s just leave it there

because see what’s really important to remember here
is that women find insect bites to be highly arousing
so fellas
maybe don’t wash those filthy bedsheets after all
TRUST ME

So King Shahryar is busy killin’ ladies every day
he goes through a thousand ladies like tissue paper
and then one day he sends his Wazir out to get a fresh babe
and the Wazir can find NO BABES AT ALL
(A wazir is a dude whose job it is to find babes
This wazir is apparently not very good at his job)
So the Wazir is like oh shit oh shit oh shit
there are only two virgin babes left in the town
presumably because the king killed half
and the other one did the smart thing
and got knocked up before they could get abducted
(PREMARITAL SEX:
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE)
and those two virgin babes
ARE MY DAUGHTERS
OHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT

and that is not all my friends
because who are this Wazir’s two daughters?
Oh, just some chick named Dunyazade
and her sister
SCHEHEREZADE
so you know shit’s about to get real
cause i told you it was gonna get real earlier.

So the wazir comes home like hey sorry babes you are gonna get killed
and Scheherezade is like oh that’s cool
I was kinda tired of living anyway
and her dad is like WAIT NO
ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT THAT
YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER AND STUFF
and Scheherezade is like dude chill out
I have a plan
and her dad is like FOOLISH DAUGHTER
WOMEN CAN’T MAKE PLANS
HERELET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAN TALK AND YOU SHOULD BEAT YOUR WIFE
and then he finishes telling the story and he’s like WOMAN
IF YOU DECIDE TO GO SEX UP THE SHAH
I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU LIKE THAT DUDE BEAT HIS WIFE
and Scheherezade is like nah dude you’re bluffing
and the wazir is like FUCK.
FINE.

So he goes over to the Shah and he’s like hey man
I uh
had a little trouble procuring babes today
and the king is like TROUBLE PROCURING BABES?
BUT
BUT THAT’S YOUR JOB.
And the Wazir is like yeah i know man
but it turns out babes are not a renewable resource
or at least not renewable at the speed you are disposing of them
you may have noticed that I seemed to be scraping the bottom of the barrel yesterday
when I brought you a vaguely feminine lump covered in barnacles
and the shah is like AH YES I REMEMBER IT WELL
OL’ BARNACLE-TITS.
(this is not a real part of this story
but then again this story is not real so suck it)
so the Wazir manages to get his mind off those barnacle tits
and he’s like okay Shahryar, I have a plan though
I am going to give you my daughter Scheherezade
and the king is like WHAT?
I mean, your daughter is EMINENTLY BONABLE
I could play a sweet bongo solo on that bodacious bum of hers
but we had a deal, dude
you were in charge of procuring babes
and in return any babes that came out of you were specifically off limits
and the Wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SCHEHEREZADE REALLY WANTS UP ON YOUR DONG
and Shahryar is like okay
but need I also remind you
that after I bang your daughter
I am going to kill her
because I still haven’t gotten over that thing with my wife?
and the wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SHE REALLY WANTS UP ON THAT
and Shahryar is like WELL IN THAT CASE
TITS AHOY
A THOUSAND TITS DELICIOUS

So the next night, Scheherezade gets an exclusive invite to the palace
and she shows up all decked out
and she snuggles up into the king’s bed with him
and she begins to
cry?!
and the king is like aw come on
I know I’m gonna kill you tomorrow and everything
but I got my dick out here
and I’m moving it around
and could you get over your impending doom long enough to do things to it?
and Scheherezade is like yeah ok
but could you bring my sister in here first
and Shahryar is like ooh
kinky
yeah, I can do that
so he brings Dunyazade in here
who is not so bad-looking herself
and the text is a little bit hazy on this point
so let me do a little line-by-line translation for you:

“So he sent at once for Dunyazade
and she came and kissed the ground between his hands,”probably actually his dick

when he permitted her to take her seat near the foot of the couch.then he was like ‘alright, now you get to watch while I do your sister’

Then the King arose and did away with his bride’s maidenheadthen he did her sister

and the three fell asleep.tell me that’s not weird

so even if there wasn’t a crazy incestuous threesome going on
and I am NOT dismissing that possibility
at the very least, Scheherezade and Dunyazade have kind of a weird relationship
but I guess you do some crazy shit when you’re trying not to die
cause then what happens
is that all three of them wake up in the middle of the night
and instead of having more sex
Dunyazade starts bugging Scheherezade to tell her a story
and the king is like ooh, storytime!
and then Scheherezade starts telling this story
but she DOESN’T QUITE FINISH IT
because now it’s morning
and she’s like oh man
looks like I’m gonna die now
and you’re never gonna hear the end of the story
and the king is like AW HELL NO
YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY
I AM TEMPORARILY POSTPONING YOUR MURDER
SO YOU CAN TELL ME THE REST OF THE STORY
and this continues
with her telling another storyand another and another
until a thousand nights have passed
at which point the king is like alright you win
I am hereby postponing your murder FOREVER
because that is just way too many stories
and anyway if I kill you
these threesomes will not be nearly as interesting.

So the moral of the story
is that no matter who you are
or how bad things get
the secret to success is

Okay, so I figure you probably already know a little about Scheherazade
the badass chick who eludes decapitation for a thousand nights straight
by being TOO ENTERTAINING TO KILL
I’ll get to that part in a minute.
Right now, lemme tell you about why there is a dude randomly killing his wives in the first place.

Okay so back in the back in the day
there was this great job you could get
called Shah
which is a really posh-sounding way of saying “big-times king dude”
and these guys had all the hookups
they had so many hookups
that they had to invent strict militaristic protocols
JUST FOR INVITING EACH OTHER TO PARTIES.
Our story begins with just such an invitation

So King Shahryar
who is such a king that he has Shah AND King RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME
gets a hankering for a party
so he sends an invite to his bro Shah Zaman
like “dude
you should bring about a million white slaves”
(he specifies that the slaves have to be white for some reason
probably because he has so many hookups
that he can even afford to color coordinate his slaves
and black slaves just wouldn’t have matched the drapes he had up.
PS: the word for white slave is Mameluke
which I cannot read without thinking Marmeduke
so I am just imagining these massive battalions of dopey great danes
stealing hamburgers and comically injuring their owners.
woo, tangent)
uh where was I
oh yeah
King Shahryar was writing a letter
“DEAR BRO
BRING DEM BITCHES OVER HERE WE GON HAVE A GOOD OL FASHIONED MIDDLE-EASTERN HOOTENANY”
so naturally his bro comes running
but it is hard to run amidst about a million dopey great danes
and anyway he forgot his wallet at home
so he runs back inside to grab it and OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
he has been gone like TEN MINUTES and his wife is ALREADY BONING SOME DUDE
and to make matters worse
(given that this is a society of dudes who obsessively color-coordinate their slaves)
the dude his wife is boning is BLACK
and he works as a COOK
and Shah Zaman is like WHAT THE FUCK, WIFE
I PICKED OUT THOSE SHEETS TO COMPLIMENT MY SKIN TONE
THIS IS A FASHION DISASTER
and then he chops both of them in half
and walks back outside like nothing is happening
because he does not want to buzzkill the party

but he’s a major buzzkill anyway
because by the time he arrives at Shahryar’s place he is SICK WITH GRIEF
and he doesn’t want to do anything
he doesn’t want to have fat feasts
he does not want to go out hunting
what he wants to do is sit in his tent and pine his ass off
so finally his bro is like “fuck it, man
I’m going hunting.
you can sad yourself to death in your room or whatever”

so Shah Zaman is alone in the castle
and he goes wandering around
and he happens to catch a glimpse of Shahryar’s wife going into the pleasure garden
which is the kind of garden you have if you are a Shah
and he’s like whoah, my brother’s wife is pretty hot
let’s watch secretly to see if she takes off her top
AND SHE DOES
along with TEN OF HER SUPER HOT LADIES IN WAITING
and TEN MARMADUKES
and then she claps her hands
and this crazy looking black dude jumps out of a tree and sexes her ALL DAY LONG
and Shah Zaman is like whoah
I am totally cheered up now
number one, that was totally hot
and number 2,
my brother is getting fucked over WAY MORE than I got fucked over.
AWESOME.

So when Shahryar gets home he’s like whoah
who turned off the sadknob all of a sudden
wait
did somebody turn your sad-knob?
like
your penis, I mean?
like did somebody touch your penis?
was it my wife?
DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE?
and Shah Zaman is like no dude, even better
I watched like twelve dogs and a crazy black dude fuck your wife
and Shahryar is like THIS IS TERRIBLE
and Shah Zaman is like well yeah sorta
but it totally helped me get over dismembering my own wife for doing a similar thing
and Shahryar is like well it looks like it all worked out in the end
NO WAIT
NOTHING IS ALRIGHT IN THE END
BECAUSE THE END I QUESTION IS MY WIFE’S END
AND EVERYTHING IS IN IT
AND NOTHING IS ALRIGHT ABOUT THAT
and Shah Zaman is like bro chill out
you know what you need?
A vacation
let’s go to the beach.

So they go to the beach
and they’re chilling out trying to forget about their terrible wives
when all of a sudden SHAZAAM
a genie busts out of the water
(this kinda shit is always happening in Arabia
place is lousy with genies)
anyway, both kings hide in a tree
and they watch this genie bust out an INCREDIBLY HOT CHICK
and go on and on about how sexy virtuous she is
and how he’s so glad he stole her from some dude she was gonna marry
and blah blah blah and then he goes to sleep on her lap
and as soon as the genie is asleep
the chick wiggles out from under him
and she looks up in the tree and she’s like “yo
you two
come down her and have sex with me”
and they’re like “Uh…
we totally want to and everything
but that genie would definitely kill us if we did that”
and the chick is like “No, listen to me
what is going to happen
is you are going to come down here and have sex with me
OR
I am going to wake up this genie and THEN he will kill you.”
And Shahryar is like “Go for it, bro
she’s all yours
I’m a married man
whereas you have recently bisected your wife
you go ahead and get firsties
I will stay up in this tree and contemplate sloppy seconds”
and Shah Zaman is like “Dude this is WAY sketchy
and it’s not like your wife is being faithful to YOU.
YOU go first.”
and the chick is like “Oh my god I cannot believe what I am hearing
I’ve got my tits out down here
getting cold in the seabreeze
and you two anticocks are up in a palm tree playing “who can get the least laid”
need I remind you that I have a genie
who will KILL you
if you do not begin rubbing my ladyparts IMMEDIATELY.”
And it’s hard to argue with a hot chick who has a genie
so they doubleteam her
and then she robs them
and they walk away feeling pretty filthy
but also they got laid so it’s not so bad.

Anyway, this genie doubleteam experience
is the icing on the misogyny cake that these two dudes have been baking
so when Shahryar gets home
he murders his wife
murders all her slaves
and then resolves to marry a new woman
have sex with her
and then murder her
EVERY SINGLE DAY
for the rest of his life
and he manages to keep this up for a thousand days
but THAT’S when Scheherazade comes in.

for some reason he has a habit of only casting his net four times a dayso one day he’s casting his netand it’s like straight out of a bugs bunny cartoondude is pulling up old bootsbig jars full of sandtin canswhateverand he’s about to cast his net one last timeand he’s all HEY ALLAHYOU KNOW HOW YOU’RE ALL-MERCIFUL AND JUNK?HOW ABOUT I CATCH SOME FISH NOW OK?and then he casts his net and comes up with a magic lampand he’s like ALLAH THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FORbut thanks I guess?

so I know what you’re thinkingwhat makes this thing a magic lampas opposed to just a regular old lamp?first of all, it’s SUPER heavyand as we all knowheaviness = magicwhales are the wizards of the oceansecond of allit has a lead seal in the spoutmarked with the SEAL OF KING SOLOMONpretty heavy shitnow you would think that if King Solomon wanted this lamp to stay all constipatedit might be a good idea to keep that plug in therebut apparently this fisherman took a few levels in supreme idiocybecause he just digs out his pocketknife and opens that fucker upi don’t know what he thinks he’s going to findtiny rubies?really heavy popcorn?well what he actually finds is a MOTHERFUCKING GENIEand the genie is all like hey dude thanks for rescuing megonna kill you nowand the fisherman is like whoa what the fuckwhyand the Genie is like wellking solomon imprisoned me in this lamp CENTURIES agoand for a while i was down there at the bottom of the ocean all likeman whoever releases me is gonna get 3 wishesand then as time went by i was like ok whoever lets me out is gonna get FIFTY wishesand then i got bitter and decided to use murder instead of wishesso i guess this is just a case of bad timing huh?and the fisherman is like THAT MAKES NO SENSEI JUST RESCUED YOU FROM A GODDAMN LAMPand the genie’s like sorry dudeI promised myself I was gonna murder somebody and I don’t wanna let myself downand the dude is like hold on wait a secondyou’re telling me youa grown-ass geniewere imprisoned in that tiny bottle for several centuries?and the genie is like yeah what of itand the man is like i don’t believe youand the genie is like YOU JUST SAW ME COME OUT OF THE FUCKING BOTTLEand the man is like bullshitI saw nothingprove itand the genie is like FINE I’LL PROVE ITand he gets back in the bottleLIKE AN IDIOTand the fisherman puts the cork back inTA DA

now that could have been the end of the storybut of course then the genie starts being a whiny little bitchand being like please release me dudeI will totally hook you up with some sweet lootand instead of seriously bargaining with the genie or anythingthe dude is basically just like ok i guess we’re even nowand lets him outand the genie is like alright dudelemme show you this bitchin’ lake I know about

so they go to the lakeand the fisherman dude casts his netand he gets FOUR FISHnot a lot of fish by any standarddefinitely not enough fish to justify releasing a fucking MURDEROUS GENIEbut they are in some pretty bitchin colorsred, yellow, green and blueand the genie is like take these to the sultanit will be great I promise

so the fisherman takes the fish to the sultanand the sultan buys them off him for like 500 buckswhich is pretty sweetand then he gives them to some chick to cookbut when she tries to cook themsome other random chick BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MANSAYS SOMETHING TO THE FISHES ABOUT AN ANCIENT PROMISETHEN THE FISH START FUCKING TALKINGand by the time that’s all over dinner is ruinedbut unfortunately the cooking chick is the only one who saw that shit happenso when the vizier walks in she’s just standing there with 4 burnt tropical fishlike uhmagic?so the Vizier is like BULLSHITI GOTTA SEE THIS FOR MYSELF

so they send for the fishermanand he gets them 4 more fish for 500 more bucksand they try this shit againand the SAME SHIT HAPPENSexcept this time it’s a black dude who busts down the walland then the vizier tells the sultanand they’ve gotta do the whole thing AGAIN for HIMso the fisherman is making some serious cheddar off of thisuntil the sultan sees what’s going on and is like ALRIGHTGO GET THE FISHERMANTELL HIM TO TAKE US TO THIS FUCKED UP LAKEand the fisherman is like dammit geniei really would have preferred a couple of nice simple wishesa gold cock and a swimming pool full of blowjobs or somethingwhateveri’m sure i could have come up with something better than a fucking magic lake that i have to walk to every day and then sell worthless magic fish to the king

but anyway the sultan and all his dudes camp by this lakeand they hear about how there’s like a castle up in the mountains or somethingso the sultan tells his Wazir(a wazir is basically like an ultimate butler that only sultans get)to not let anybody into his tent and tell everybody he is asleepwhile meanwhile he sneaks into the mountains to see whats up

so up in the mountains is this really sweet castle with no one in itexcept this one really sad dude whose legs are made out of stoneand the sultan is like dude what the fuck is wrong with your legsand the guy is like WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORYbasically i was the king and my wife was a twank and she kept drugging me to go bone this gross leperso i got pissed off and hit the leper with my swordbut it’s oki only severed half his neck and most of his veinsbut then it wasn’t ok because for like THREE YEARS my wife mourned over himand built a fucking shrine for him in the castleand finally tricked me into admitting I stabbed himand then got real pissed at me and turned my legs to stoneand turned everyone in the kingdom into fishcolor-coded according to their religious beliefsand turned the islands the kingdom was on into mountainsand moved the whole place like a year’s journey eastyeah it seems like a lot of effort huhi guess she was pretty pissed?and every day she whips me a whole bunch and then goes and tries to feed that leper dude some soup

and the sultan is like fuuuuuuck manlemme help you out real quickso he goes into the tent where the leper dude isand he stabs him and chucks him in a wellthen he puts on all his clothes and gets into his grossnasty bedand when the witch chick comes in in the morning he’s like HEY HONEY I CAN TALK NOWoh by the way the leper is also a black dudeand at this point the sultan does a pretty racist caricature of black dude talkin’which i think both the original author and the 19th century translatorthought was HILARIOUSbut which in retrospect is actually pretty tameanyway he’s like HEY LADYYOU KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T RECOVERED YET?NOT BECAUSE OF THE HIDEOUS WOUND IN MY NECKBUT BECAUSE YOUR STONE-LEGGED HUSBAND IS SO MISERABLE AND HE CRIES ALL THE TIMEMAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN HIS LEGS INTO LEGS INSTEAD OF ROCKSand the witch chick is like right away loverboyand so she does it and comes backand the sultan is like OH YEAH I FORGOTI AM ALSO GETTING ALL KINDS OF BOTHERED BY HOW EVERYONE IS FISHAND HOW THE ISLANDS ARE MOUNTAINS AND STUFFMAYBE YOU SHOULD FIX THATand the witch is like sure no problemso she doesat which point the sultan runs out of crafty ploys and just stabs her in the chestand then throws her in the welland the day is saved!

so now they’re suddenly a whole year away from homeon account of magicbut no one gives a fuck because the day is saved and whatnotthe stone-leg dude becomes the sultan’s adopted sonand they spend a year getting back to the sultan’s cribmiraculously unharmed by its ruler having been gone for well over a yearand then the sultan hits up the fisherman like yothank you for uhfor instigating some ridiculous good times?been a long time since I’ve had a good excuse to fling some corpses into some wellsherelet me marry your daughter right quickthen i will marry your other daughter to this adopted son I haveand then i’ll make your son the mayor or somethingand the fisherman is like SWEETi guess it all worked out in the end

so the moral of the story isnot all genies grant wishessome grant clusterfucks

Okay so there’s this merchant(speaking of merchants DID YOU BUY A SHIRT YET?)he’s got this sweet deal going on with Allahwhere he gets to understand what animals are saying all the timebut if he tells anybody about it he dieswhich honestly is about as good a deal as you can expect to get from any god anywheremost of the time the deal is more like you get to have everything you love taken awayand if you complain about it you dieso already this merchant dude is pretty hooked upbut so then one daythis dude is hanging around some farm he ownsand he hears his bull talking to his buttoh whoops sorry I meant ASSso yeah the bull is like hey asswhy you get to live such a posh fucking life all the timedudes all keepin’ your stable clean and feeding you gourmet ass-grassyou get pampered all the way down the red satin carpet to the infinity limoyou know what I get?I get beat with STICKSI wake up at FIVE AMthey put some wood shit on my neckand they’re like OYWALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE FOR LIKE A MILLION HOURSand if I don’t then they brutalize me with whips made out of the SKINS OF MY FAMILYbut at least after all that I get to sit down and have a fat meal right?WRONGI GET TO EAT DRY BEANS AND COWSHITIF WHAT I AM EATING IS ALREADY SHIT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHIT IT OUTRIDDLE ME THAT DONKEYRIDDLE ME THATand the donkey is like whoa dude chill outyou know what your problem is?you’re an idiothere’s what you do:nothingjust sit on your distended belly and refuse to be a productive member of societythey’ll assume you’re sick and then BAMPAID COW VACATION AHOYand the cow is like whoa shit thanks manand proceeds to do EXACTLY WHAT THE DONKEY TOLD HIM TO DO

here’s the problemcrafty ploys like this only work when the person you are pranking has not OVERHEARD YOUR ENTIRE PLANso when the merchant gets wind of what’s going downhe’s just like no problem guysjust hook the donkey up to the plow and beat HIM with sticksand so the following day the donkey gets put through the most inhumane deathmarch possibleand he gets home in the evening like well thanks allahthanks for this great fucking reward I get for giving my friend some advicenow I gotta fuck him over or live through my own personal trail of tearsso he’s like hey cowCOWand the cow’s like oh shit sorry manI couldn’t hear you over all this hedonistic pleasure I am indulging myself inand the donkey is like dude I got the inside scoopthe merchant is totally gonna have you slaughtered if you don’t start being not sickmy advice is to immediately start prancing all the fuck everywhereand the bull is like gee man you are so good at advice thank you so muchand proceeds to win the all around male cow’s breakdancing competitionin an attempt to convince everyone that he is super healthy and should not be killedwhich of course causes the merchant to laugh his ass all the way offand then his wife comes over like hey honey where’s your ass and why are you laughingand he’s like HAHAHAHA OH MAN I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T TELL YOUand his wife is like well fuck thattell meand the merchant is like HAHAHA NO IF I TELL YOU I’LL DIEand his wife is like dude seriously not coolwhat’s so funnyand the merchant is like no seriously I heard some animals saying some really funny shitbut if I tell you what it was then Allah will kill methat’s the dealthat’s the deal I madeand his wife is like i don’t give a fuck what kind of deal you made with Allahyou tell me that funny joke RIGHT NOWnote that it’s not that his wife doesn’t believe what he’s telling herit’s just that she can’t be arsed to careand the merchant starts freaking outhe’s like are you serious woman?i just explained to youI am going to diei mean it was some pretty funny shit but it’s not like a matter of life and deathand his wife is like I DON’T EVEN GIVE HALF A FUCKIF YOU DON’T TELL ME RIGHT NOW I AM REVOKING YOUR SEASON TICKETS TO MY MEAT CAVEand the merchant is like well if that’s the way it’s gonna belemme just invite over all our relatives so I can draw up my willbefore you force me to kill myself over this fucking joke i heard

so all their relatives come overand by the waythey share a lot of relativesseeing as they are cousins and that is totally cool and don’t even worry about itand all the relatives are like LADY PLEASE RECONSIDERIT’S JUST A FUCKING JOKE WHY ARE YOU SO COMMITTED TO THIS?and the wife is like I LIVE ON A GODDAMN FARMDO YOU REALIZE WHAT A PRECIOUS COMMODITY JOKES ARE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?I HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE SO MUCH AS SLIP ON A FUCKING BANANA PEEL IN LIKE A YEARand the merchant is like well alrightlet’s go ahead and get this over withbut first I gotta go take a wicked dump in the outhousebrb

so he’s sitting in the outhouse taking a shitand outside he hears one of his dogs bust into the chicken coopall like WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS MOURNINGOUR MASTER’S WRETCHED HARPY WIFE IS ABOUT TO FORCE HIM TO KILL HIMSELFFOR NO GOOD REASONand the rooster is like oh that?bitch pleaseif that motherfucker can’t handle his one wife properly he deserves to dielook at meI got fifty hoes IN THE SAME AREA CODEFIFTYand you know what else I got?ninety-nine problemsNONE OF WHICH ARE AT ALL RELATED TO BITCHESin fact you know whatI don’t even have any problems at allmy life is greatI rule this henhouse with an iron fist and get laid ceaselessly while doing itand the dog is like shit manwhat’s your secretand the rooster is like two words:merciless beatingsand the merchant hears this and he’s like MERCILESS BEATINGS?WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THATIT’S PURE GENIUSso he wipes his ass with a passing hengrabs some branches off the local mulberry treeand runs inside like HEY WIFECOME INTO THIS PRIVATE ROOM SO I CAN TELL YOU MY SECRET IN PRIVATE PRIVATELYand she’s like ok sureand then he proceeds to BEAT HER VIOLENTLY FOR HOURSlike PRETTY FUNNY JOKE HUH?HUH?YEAH THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO ASK QUESTIONSand his wife is like FUUUUCK I’M SORRYI’LL NEVER ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS EVER AGAINand the husband is like OH MAN AWESOMEFROM NOW ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY LIFE WILL BE PREDICATED ON RUTHLESS BEATINGSTHANKS, ROOSTER!

so the moral of the story isis if you’re at your wit’s end and you don’t know what to doask your cockand if you don’t have one then i’m sorry but I really don’t think the authors of this myth had your well-being in mind

alright so Sinbad has just gotten back from risking his life 3 timeshe has all this money and his financial security is more or less assuredso what time is it?BOOZE AND WHORES TIME OF COURSEand he wakes up some morning all covered in confetti with his legs wrapped around a transvestite orangutanand he is like oh shit where is all my moneyI GUESS I BETTER GO RISK MY LIFE AGAIN

so he gets some merchandise and he gets on a boatand there is a totally predictable stormand BAM now they are all washed up on some islandbut it is okay because here come some naked dudeswho invite them to have some really gross foodand sinbad is like ew this food is grossbut everyone else is like YUM YUM YUMand they just keep eating itand being really disgustingand getting fat and stupid like fat stupid cowsand then the naked dudes eat thembut when it becomes clear that Sinbad is not going to become a fat stupid coweveryone kind of forgets about himand he wanders offyou knowstarving to deathand some other dudes who are not naked or cannibals find himand they are like dude come chill with us in our sweet kingdomand the king is like holy shit your stories are AMAZINGlemme hook you up with some bitches and riches right quickand suddenly Sinbad is A RICH MARRIED MOTHERFUCKER

but oh shit what is thisapparently there is a custom here where if your spouse diesyou get buried alive with their corpseso you can starve to death and be sad AT THE SAME TIMEEFFICIENTand what do you knowSinbad’s wife diesso everyone is like get the fuck in the hole assholeand he is like i don’t wannaand they’re like tough tits sugarlumpsand they chuck him in the pitalong with 7 days worth of food and water for some reasonand he decides to make that shit last AS LONG AS POSSIBLEand then pretty soon some other poor chick gets lowered into the pitcaveto die of starvation with her dead husbandand she is like OH GOD PLEASE KILL MEand Sinbad is like SURE NO PROBLEMand beats her to death with a skeleton and steals her foodhe does this OVER AND OVER AGAINand people give him MONEY FOR DOING ITand that is how he survivesuntil eventually he finds a tunnel to the outside and a ship picks him upand they give him even more sweet treasure and he goes back to Baghdad

so he gets back to Baghdad and he is like hm shitevery time i do one of these voyages i have to endure horrible torturesand i almost die a lotmaybe i should stop doing voyagesOH WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE MY LOVE OF BOOZE AND WHORES OUTWEIGHS MY DESIRE TO KEEP LIVINGADVENTURE AHOYYYYYYYYYBUT WAITI’M NOT RISKING ENOUGH IN THIS ADVENTUREHOW ABOUT I BUY A SHIP THIS TIMESO THAT WHEN WE INEVITABLY ENCOUNTER A STORM I WILL LOSE EVEN MORE MONEYso that is what he doesand he gets a crewand they set offand pretty much immediately Sinbad’s crew starts fucking upbecause they stop on some island and they see another one of those huge rukh eggsand they are like well we are suicidally recklesshow about we throw rocks at this thing til it breaksthen kill the babythen steal its meatthis will surely not upset the GIANT BIRDPARENTSso they come back to sinbad like hey bro want some chickenand Sinbad is like YOU IDIOTSYOU UNAPOLOGETIC SACKS FULL OF FREEBASED STUPIDITYand then Rukhs show up and totally ruin the ship with rocks and nonsensebut Sinbad survives obviouslyand he wakes up on some islandand he dicks around for a while until he finds some old manand the old man is mute but he is basically like dude gimme a piggy back rideand Sinbad is like well shit what else am i gonna doso he picks this dude upand all of a sudden the dude is like YAHHH BITCHexcept he doesn’t say it with his wordshe says it with FURIOUS KICKS TO THE CHESTand this goes on for DAYSuntil finally sinbad is like fuck thisI’m going to hollow out some pumpkinsfill them with grapesand make WINEso i will still be miserablebut at least i will be SHITFACED AS WELLand he starts gettin tipsayand the old man is like what the fuck is thisand sinbad is like i have been drinking my friendwould you like some boozeand the dude is like YESSSSSSSand he has never had any drunksauce before so he gets WASTEDand eventually falls off Sinbad and sinbad chokes him to deathand then gets picked up by some dudes who are like whoayou just killed the old man of the seagood job

but waitSinbad can’t go home yethe hasn’t made his booze and whores allowance yetso they go to some island called the island of the apesbecause there are apes and everyone has to sleep on boats at nightotherwise the apes with fuck them to deathif it was me i would probably just use the boats to FIND A DIFFERENT ISLANDbut anyway Sinbad gets lost and everyone forgets about himand he’s like FUCK now i am strandedbut it’s okay because he is the ULTIMATE BUSINESSMANand he pretty much just makes a fortune selling coconutsand then another ship comes and they make a whole shitload of moneyand then he goes home and settles down for some sweet whoretimes

although actuallyi think he might have a family at this point?I don’t know when he had time to start a familywith all the boozing and whoringand i don’t know where he puts his family while he repeatedly disappears for yearsbut he’s got one and he’ll be damned if he’s going to leave againoh wait that’s a liehe totally leaves again

so he gets on some other boatwhich just immediately sinksand then he gets washed up on an island with a bunch of other dudesand there are all these other ships washed up therewith sweet mounds of cash piled up everywhereand also big barrels of beef jerkybut the beef jerky has gone bad apparentlybecause everyone gets fever and diesone by oneexcept sinbadwho instead of dying builds a raftcovers it with richesand sails down some river he findswhich leads him through a cave and into this really sweet kingdom

so he wakes up in this sweet kingdomand some dudes are like whoa where did you come fromand Sinbad tells them his storyand they are like WHOATHAT IS ONE BADASS STORYOUR KING HAS GOT TO HEAR THISmani wish we still lived in an erawhere someone might find me passed out on the sidewalkand then i might tell them a really sweet storyand then they might take me to see the presidentbut anyway the king is totally all about sinbadhe gives him tons of cash and whatnotbut finally sinbad is like i gots to get homeand the king is like well ok give this incredibly valuable goblet to your kingalong with a really nice letter i wroteand Sinbad is like that is really nice of youand then he goes home with a ton of money and NO FURTHER PROBLEMS

so then he’s at home for a whileand he is seriously prepared to not have to engage in any more bullshit EVERbut then the king of Baghdad or whatever calls him up like dudethat was a very pleasant letter you brought meI want to send a thankyou noteand YOU ARE JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOBand Sinbad is like well really dude I would rather notand the king is like FUCKING DO IT YOU PIECE OF SHITand Sinbad is like sure dude okso he takes a thankyou note to the other kingand everything is going greatuntil he is heading back home and OH GUESS WHAT SOME PIRATES ATTACKand then they sell sinbad into slaverybut his master is a pretty okay dudehe just has him clean up the house a little bitoh yeah and POACH ELEPHANTS WITH A GODDAMN BOW AND ARROWyeah Sinbad has to sit in a tree all day every dayshooting elephants in the head with arrowsuntil one day the elephants get sick of his shitand knock over the treeand drag him to a bigass pit full of elephant boneslike dudethere is so much ivory over herewhy you gotta keep murdering us manand then sinbad tells his master about thatand his master hooks him up with sweet bling of all sortsand sets him freeand he gets on a boat and he gets some pearls tooand probably just a whole deluge of unspeakable richesreally it doesn’t even matter at this pointthe idea i am getting is that sinbad could eat nothing but gold coins pure cocaine for the rest of timeand it would not be a problemseriously this dude is rich as fuckand the story ends with him inviting the dude he has been telling this story to(Sinbad the Landsman, remember?)to just come live in his palace foreverand be equally richbut without any of the requisite effort

so the moral of the story is pretty cleartry to have the same name as rich dudesthey will hook you up

and I am on my knees sacrificing goats in the honor of celebrity knife maniacJANE DOEfor giving me some of her tainted murder dollars to tell this mythHERE GOES

Alright so there’s this dude Sinbad right

Holy fucking shit this guy is simultaneously a huge idiot and an ultimate badassWhen our story begins he is super fucking wealthyAnd constantly having parties at his cribAnd this other dude named Sinbad shows upAnd Sinbad the sailor is like WHOA FUCK YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME AS MELEMME TELL YOU HOW I GOT SO RICHIT WILL TAKE 7 DAYSI HOPE YOU LIKE PARTIESAnd here is how the story goesBasically he’s the son of a wealthy merchantJUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN EVERY GODDAMN ARABIAN MYTHDID PEOPLE EVEN HAVE OTHER PROFESSIONS?Anyway his dad dies and he gets a huge inheritanceBut then he squanders it all on booze and whoresAnd wakes up one morning like fuckWhere is all my moneyWhat are all my booze and whores?ShitBetter make more moneyI KNOWI’LL BECOME A MERCHANTSo he gets some cloth and some other saleable shitAnd gets on a boatAnd they go stop on some islandAnd WHABAM STORM TIMEAnd everyone gets back on the shipBut Sinbad is TOOO FUCKING SLOWSo he gets left behindAnd he is all sad but at least the island has a ton of food and shitAnd then one day he runs into some dudes who are trying to catch seahorsesBut not the kind you are thinkingACTUAL HORSESFROM THE SEAAnd he tells these dudes his story And the dudes are like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GREAT STORYYOU DESERVE A PROMINENT POSITION IN OUR GOVERNMENTSo Sinbad becomes the minister of tradeAnd then one day some dudes show up with a shipAnd they are like hey we would like to sell some goods belonging to our dead friendHis name was Sinbad the SailorAnd Sinbad is like HOLY SHIT THAT’S MY NAMEAnd they’re like BULLSHITAnd he’s like NO SERIOUSLYAnd they’re like OH SNAP DUDE LET’S GO MERCHANT THE FUCK OUT OF SHITAnd the king gives him a ton of gold as a parting giftAnd they go make a ton more goldAnd then eventually he goes back to Baghdad

So he IMMEDIATELY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY ON BOOZE AND WHORES AGAINAnd plus he gets pretty bored not being in mortal peril all the timeSo he is like WELP BETTER GET ON ANOTHER FUCKING BOATAnd AWAY HE GOESSo they all find this really sweet islandAnd Sinbad likes it SOOOOO MUCHThat he totally forgets to get back on his boatAnd everybody leaves him behindso he starts wandering aroundand he finds this bigass eggand a bigass bird called a Rukh sitting on the eggand he’s like HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD A REALLY STUPID IDEAI’MA TAKE MY TURBAN AND TIE IT TO THAT RUKH’S LEGAND WHEN IT GOES OUT HUNTINGIT WILL CARRY ME SOMEWHERE AWESOMESo he does this incredibly dumb thingAnd the bird does in fact carry him to someplace elseBUT GUESS WHATIT’S A DESERTED PLATEAU WITH NO MEANS OF ESCAPEBUT GUESS WHATIT TURNS OUT THE GROUND IS COVERED IN DIAMONDSBUT GUESS WHATTHE DIAMONDS ARE COVERED IN SNAKESHOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STORYAnd then while Sinbad is staring at all these snakes and diamondsBAM a dead animal falls down in front of himAnd he remembers some stories about how some merchants try to use dead bodies to fish for diamonds down hereLike the diamonds stick to the corpsesAnd then birds carry the corpses up and the merchants scare them away and take the diamondsSo Sinbad fills his pockets with diamonds and grabs onto this dead animalAnd SHO NUFFHERE COMES A BIRD AND LIFTS HIM UPAnd then he sees some merchants and gives them diamonds and everyone is palsAnd they make a ton of cash and then he goes back to Baghdad

So he’s back in Baghdad!BOOZE AND WHORES TIMEOOP GUESS I GOTTA GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURESo he gets on another boatAnd they are boating aroundWhen OH SHIT HERE COMES THE ISLAND OF THE APESIT IS LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES BUT JUST AN ISLANDAND WHAT THE APES DO IS STEAL YOUR BOATSo now they have no boatSo they find a house that CLEARLY belongs to an ogreAnd they’re like welp better sleep hereAnd of course the ogre comes home and murders some of themAnd then they are like should we leave?NAHAnd stay there ANOTHER night and the ogre eats MORE of themAt which point they are like we should seriously leave huh?Maybe we should build some rafts?And then poke out his eyes?So they do thatAnd the ogre and his wife chase them but they escapeTo an island where they get eaten by SNAKESBut Sinbad escapes by tying himself to a tree with his turbanAnd then when that doesn’t work he just staples a bunch of logs to his body so he’s too big to eatand then he finds some boat dudes and they take him to some other boat dudeswho HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FUCKING STUFFso that’s cooland then he makes a ton more money and goes back to Baghdad againand I’m gonna tell the rest on Tuesday cause this fucker is LONG