Monday, June 27, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011

The moment after hello is really the first moment of our goodbye. Perhaps it will be a good long one.. a goodbye of many years. Or a few months. Or a few days. Perhaps we'll say goodbye with a lifetime of adventures together. Maybe our goodbye will include swimming in lakes at sunset, or sex, or surfing waves in Maui.

And then there are the goodbyes that are almost still hellos.. desperately short.. so brief that we never even realized they had come and gone.

These experiences we share are just indefinite, extended goodbyes.. because honestly we don't know how long this is going to last. Every time we say, "I'll see you later.", and walk away.. there is always the chance that there isn't a later at all.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Say whatever you have to say,I'll stand by you.Do whatever you have to do,to get it outand not become a reaction memoryTo hurt the ones you loveyou know you never meant to but you did

Be whoever you have to be,I won't judge youSing whatever you have to singto get it outand not become a recluse about you,how to come out

And take whatever you have to take,you know I love youcome however you have to come,and get it outand get it out

"Sway"

Liberty for me is freedom; freedom that I accept, and the freedom that I in turn offer to other people. Liberty is not a blind eye, it is the observation of a life in which all things are sacred. My life. Yours. It is the hopefulness in each of our destinies.It is the opportunity for breath, and the quietness in the ears of others so that they might breathe too... So that we can all take our inhibitions off a few times before our hearts give out from tiredness.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

These past few months have been about blue. About feeling it.. experiencing it. About embracing a color as more than a color, more like a way of breathing, or a way of thoughts. I spent hours diving into blue waters, starring up into a serene blue sky, drawing pictures with only blue paint, searching for the iridescent blue feathers of Stellar Jays. The "color" as we called it has been more woven into my days than at any other time in my life. And yet... In the end, I am more bewildered by blue than ever.

My recent closeness with the color blue, has only shown me how vast it truly is. Instead of becoming more narrow and more concise, it has transformed in my mind.. losing all reference and bearing. My interest and curiosity has only been rewarded with experiences.. not answers, not understanding... only experience. Because of this, I am coming to believe that perhaps some things cannot be broken apart, or figured out, or calmly observed and then then written down. I am under the impression tonight, that perhaps there is much more of life that is this same way... here to be experienced.. not to be comprehended. Maybe its better that way... maybe when we stop attempting to know something, we are actually setting it free. When we stop demanding answers, its as if we give wings to the thing we want to understand, allowing it to soar to far loftier heights than we ever could have taken it. Becoming a wondrous anomaly; a gift for our eyes, or for our mouths or for our hearts.. Blue is profound.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've been thinking a lot about myself.. about the physical nature of who I really am. When I see a photograph of myself, it looks like a person I know, but I don't feel like I'm really looking at myself; It doesn't seem like that body truly has the ability to contain all that I am. And when I look in the mirror, I see my face, my dark brown eyes, my lips and mouth, my cheekbones.. but I don't feel myself in the face - it is just the face of a close friend. A face that I recognize, .. much like you would recognize a familiar word. The word "Tiger" for example, when I see the word "Tiger" I understand that it represents a wild, fierce animal.. but I also understand that the word in itself is not a "Tiger" - it is just a metaphor that alludes to something greater. The more I stare, the more I fail to see ME.. the being I feel I am. I don't see me when I look at my chest, not in my arms, not in my legs or hands.. its like I live in this structure built to facilitate the REAL ME.. a being who is existing somewhere deep inside.

I have begun considering the idea, that if this "structure", this "body" is only an outlet for expression or survival, then perhaps I am something beyond physical, perhaps I am more like a thought.

I'm curious about what, or who I really am, because I am curious about REALITY. My reality. Depending on "who" I am, I see two possible choices in my mind, when it comes to my interaction with reality. The first response, if I assume that I am a "physical" being, (if my body is who I am) then I am bound a completely carnal experience. I will live woven inside an instinctual, surface level reality; a life that is dictated by external pressures. If we exist in a carnal reality, It will be a roller coaster of an experience.. because the physical body is responding to every sort of stimulus: pain, pleasure, fear, frustration, tiredness, etc. My life could one day be a blessing, and the next day be a curse, depending my environment, my physical perception - depending on how my body feels.

If, however, I am separate from physical, if I am something beyond skin, and bone, and eyes and lungs.. (which is how I have begun to see myself), then I believe there is the possibility a nonordinary reality - a personal experience that makes sense regardless of my physical limitations. If I am a thought, then perception also becomes a thought.. and if perception is a thought, then reality becomes a thought as well. If I prescribe to this idea, then I am no longer translating and responding to my environment.. instead, I have the potential to author my experience. Thoughts come from me because I myself AM thought.. and my reality is at my discretion because it too is a thought. This means, that I do not fluctuate in my universal experience.. it means that the same ideas that govern my lifestyle when I am warm and safe.. also govern my behaviors when I am weak or in pain. The comprehension of life becomes internalized, seared into the walls of my mind instead of gently resting on the surface of my skin. It would create a life of perpetual balance.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The mind wants to wander so much.. I have to keep telling myself, "Breathe, breathe.. Look around you, this is where you are."

Chris and I grilled slabs of steak over a roaring campfire, ate them with our bare hands.. ripping off enormous bites with our teeth and growling like wolves. We let the blood run down our arms and fingers.. gave ourselves permission to be animals for the night, then laughed at the beauty of our magnificent fading blue sky. We talked about the excellence of being human. Decided that our lips and hands are truly wonderous. We laid blankets out in tall grass, and slept under the stars. There was nowhere else to be.. I was there.