We are Korean Moms in training dedicated to psycho-analyzing our moms, reliving horrible memories of embarrassment and dread for the benefit of the public...all the while laughing like a wheezy grandpa. Someone needs to pay for our therapy...

Monday, August 25, 2008

#45 Pale Skin

Korean Moms are advocates of 'the paler, the better'. They buy obscene amounts of skin perfecting, purifying, whitening creams and tonics in order to become as pale as possible. Pale equals happiness. It doesn't matter if an endangered whale had to be harpooned, its sperm collected, then shoved into a tiny Shesiedo bottle; if it makes them pale, Korean Moms will buy it. Not only will they buy it, they will take a bath in it. Having a healthy tan glow is not an option for the Korean Mom. That is death; pure and simple. In order not to suffer from tan skin, they will often wear driving gloves, and shield their faces with visors that resemble Robocop's headgear, only not as cool or functional. If you are tan or even *gasp* sunburnt, be prepared for her not so secret looks of despair and shame when she introduces you to other Korean Moms. Yes. You, my tanned friend, are a disgrace. My Korean Mom used to buy foundation five shades lighter than her acutal skin tone. When she was giving you the stank eye she looked a lot like a Sith Lord but scarier and with red lipstick.

71 comments:

So true!! My mom is trying to convince me to get my freckles lazered off. She is positive that not only am I going out in the sun too much, but I am not getting enough sleep because my skin is too dark! "Noh moh seh ka meh!"

Oh man, this one hit me hard. My mom was always on my case about keeping my skin white, even when I was outside all the time playing tennis like a good little Korean teenager! Once I got to college, I went through a major goth stage, and got my skin white as snow. But my mom turned traitor on me! "You are too pale! You look sick! Go get some sun!"

Being a simple white man, I can't relate completely. But, I always find it funny when I see a woman walking the streets of Seoul in the afternoon with a folder, book, or other various papers, in her left hand, held above her head to shield her from the life-sapping sun. It's even funnier when the sun is on the right-side. (It happens more often than one might guess.) Well, I suppose appearances must be maintained.

This is a site for people with Korean or at least Asian backgrounds to empathize through the use of humor. Being a "simple white man," you definitely don't understand, so please don't troll this site and leave commentary that denigrates Asians, especially as a foreigner living in a host country.

Hahaha. KARL: you truly put "simple" in the "simple white man." Now, go back to eating your kimchi, watching korean soap operas and hoping to pick up that sixteen year old from the English class you're teaching with your state college degree. LMAO.

Whats with the angry comments at white dude Karl? I don't think he meant anything negative towards Asians with his comments. Hope I'm not giving you too much credit to Karl (Please confirm, Karl). Karl, its sorta like with Black folks calling each other the "N" word but non-blacks are not allowed to to say the word! But seriously, lets try to everyone get along. We are all destined to become brown one day...

You should mention that Korean Moms and Koreans in general are really obsessed with being some of the most racist, close-minded people on earth. They may think that pale skin is beautiful, but guess what - dark-skinned people look at Koreans and think their slanty eyes and flat noses are unattractive. So don't get so high and mighty because you are pale. In most parts of the world, having a straight nose and large eyes in beautiful.

Sally, you are not Korean are you? Ironically, I'm Korean and I agree that most Koreans are in fact closed-minded. But I think its mostly a generational thing given that Korea is historically an extremely communal society and very conformist (But there are also plenty of good things that come from this). Give it some time and it would be great if you could help older Koreans (and some younger ones too) see that everyone is beautiful in their own way (though admittedly not an easy task).

The AdCouncil put out a great billboard in time square about the Dalai Lama. Underneath his picture, it says "Doesn't just wish for change but works for it."

Chiyo, I was married to a woman once who was the spitting image, -in thought, word, and deed, of the Korean Mom you describe in such zesty detail. I salute you; you are a Goddess.

But that was 25 years ago, and we are long since divorced. Your Dad might be able to appear in this blog as a sort of guest contributor, to tell about all of the crazy shit Korean wives do.

But I digress. Now my two grown sons have to put up with her...pecadillos...at long distance. My oldest is in Iraq, and I'm sure he thinks it's still too close to mom. Without a doubt, he has nightmares about her dismounting from an MRAP somewhere in Sadr City, looking to make sure her boy is not dating a Muslim.

True story: Long after we were divorced, I get a call from her. As I'm in the pharmaceuticals business, she asked how to go about patenting "a new kind yahk-pum".

Seems she'd been boiling up various kinds of weeds and deer shit (you have to do a piece on that brown ceramic pot they love) and had managed to invent "Sacred Solution".

"What the hell's it for?" I asked.

"You know, if you meet black people, and have to shake their hand or take money from them, or they come to your house and sit on your furniture, you can wash everything off with this, and be okay again." This, pronounced as if she was reading off a just-released press statement from the FDA.

I blew coffee through my nose, all over the documents I had just freshly printed.

"It also..." she continued, "Kills head lice and body crabs, which of course all black people, and most Filipinos have."

About a week and a half later, the UPS truck brings me and the boys a whole case of this shit. I wish to hell I had saved a bottle. The label itself would have gotten your store burned to the ground.

My mom's driving gloves are white and edged with lace. Purrrrty. And to Karl: I'm KA and I totally agree with your sentiment regarding women holding newspapers on top of their heads outdoors. It's comedy.

Don't sweat it Karl. You were just reporting the facts. The first hundred times I saw this happening in Seoul (I think its mostly city ladies who do this since I don't see it in the countryside) I was thinking, 'is she shielding herself from the sun with a wallet? What the...' It's kind of like seeing someone hold a sheet of newspaper over their head while running through a downpour.

And no, hostile posters, I am not white, but K-A. Karl didn't have to disclose his race and I don't think he said anything close to the Korean equivalent of the n-word.

During the run-up to the 1988 Olympics, I was on a team from 1st Special Forces at Fort Lewis, Washington, training with our Korean counterparts, who would be leading security for the Olympics...

We could teach these guys to act and dress like beady-eyed killer ninjas, but when they wnet head-down on a climbing rope in their black get-ups, the legs of their pants would slide, and you'd see...white socks.

After getting out of the Army and going into business, I see the CEO's of several major corporations, wearing $5000 dollar Armani suits, $2000 loafers....with white socks.

So I had to ask my tutor at Yeonsei, "What's the big deal?".

He said: "We think that the clothing that is most likely to get dirty should actually show dirt..."

When I taught in Taiwan the students moms all swore that I used SK2 to get so white - I'm a super pale white Canadian woman (does that exclude me from reading this blog? Or since I have a Korean Korean husband am I allowed back in?) Silly comments people, obviously the blog is humorous and not just regarding Korean moms; there are some universal standards about all moms in here.

Just got back from a eurotrip with my korean mom who's surprisingly cool about my ever-multiplying population of freckles. It's the other korean moms who kept supplying me with their spf 4000, tacky golf visors, and hideous floral "parasols".. really.. it's just an umbrella people.

Sally: Wow, some of the most racist comments ever on this site have come from you. Ironic. you label others as being racist when your hate-filled message is full of nothing but bigoted stereotypes. I agree with the other blogger with sense on here: how much did the Spanish basketball team pay you?

Korean moms are crazy, but we love the, because they are part of us. This site is, of course, open for everyone to comment, but this doesn't mean it should become a forum for people to vent their hatred for Korean moms. Note how this quickly degenerates into hate-speech directed at Asians. Now, just because you have had experiences with Korean moms doesn't mean this entitles you denigrate them entirely, without any sort of humor involved. Note, humor doesn't involve pulling slanty eyes at people, nor yelling "Ching chong ching chong. Can't you take a joke"? I see well-disguised equivalents of this everyday. Hey, I can't be racist, I'm married to an Asian woman. Hey, I can't be racist, I have a black friend. Give me a break.

what are u trying to say????i mean whats the point of saying this? this is the limited to korean mom by the way!! and plus, onw woman on the right sidde does not even seem to be korean...isnt she chinese??

Me too, Jennifer. But I call my eyes "almond" shaped just because it sounds better than "slanty." And my flat nose is still straight, Sally. (Unfortunately, I have a very hard time keeping my sunglasses perched on my face. Sigh... Maybe I should just wear the visor that looks like a welding mask! It would help keep the sun out of my eyes and off my skin! My KM would be so proud. Too bad I'll never do it...)

Wow. That was a bit harsh sally. While everyone is entitled to their opinion, I've read this entire blog and i don't think that there is anything that insinuates that koreans are better or that non-koreans are worse (other than maybe the comments which are outside the control of the authors). Have some maturity and if you do feel that strongly against koreans, then start your own blog called WhyIHateKoreansEspeciallyKoreanChristians.com or something like that.

I go to the beach and get burrrrned when I want to piss off my grandmother. My mom expresses her disapproval at my tan, but my grandmother completely flips out and agonizes over my ruined future... It's totally worth the pain.

@ anonymous who said..."This is a site for people with Korean or at least Asian backgrounds to empathize through the use of humor."

So, by that logic when Margaret Cho does her comedic bit about her mum, everyone in the audience who is not Korean or of Asian ancestry, should cover their ears?!

I don't have a Korean or Asian mum, but I do have a mum who has her own cultural idiosyncrasies, some the same as what Chiyo so cleverly describes here (ie. Corningware - it transcends nationalities...believe me!)

I will continue to enjoy the blog posts, regardless of whether or not I agree with some of the comments posted by other fans.

My mom used to put on a foundation that is at least 2 shades too lighter than her skin tone. Apparently, it was common thing to do in the older days. I do remember someone telling me that the foundation is supposed to be at least one shade lighter than my actual skin tone. This results in freakishly white face with pretty dark neck which conjures up the image of floating head. I'm glad someone finally told my mom about it and she's finally using the correct shade.

Oh my god re: Sith Lord with red lipstick - hahahhaa!Don't forget! Pale, FLAWLESS skin. When I was in middle school, my mom took me to some Korean esthetician to have every.single.freckle.and.mole. removed from my arms and face. Thanks, Mom! How would I have ever known what a horror I was at the tender age of 13 if it weren't for you...

Incidentally, all my moles and freckles came back. Whoop, there it is!

This site keeps me laughing, and I'm sorta bummed that people are getting all intense, but oh well. I think as a culture, we're still not that great at talking about race, but Chiyo, I think you strike the right note. Poking fun but you love, too. Good! People go from being very sensitive/reactionary to insensitive/inflammatory, I guess we are all still figuring things out. I'm OK with that.

My (korean) mom oh so subtly brags about how all her friends tell her she has great skin. She wants to transfer this source of pride to me and insists that I slather on spf 50 sunscreen on every bit of exposed skin when I go to the store, in my car, to buy milk. But all the same, korean moms, like most moms, do these crazy patience-trying things because they love us.

my sister just sent this link to me and wow, i just cried of laughter. these are so right-on that i showed my mom. she was on the floor laughing, screaming that her beh hurt at the condiments posting. it was probably a month or so ago when i asked my mom for some ketchup and she gave me an old mcdonalds packet. i looked at her warily and knew that this was probably from 1988 or something. it was in fact really old and did not come out red and was an actual poop colored brown.

so funny, chiyo. keep up the blog. i dont get why there are so many ignorant people out there, yellow or white. it just goes to show you that we still need change in this world. change i hope to see in my lifetime.

Sorry this is off topic a bit, but an idea for a Korean mom post: how she was an amazing beauty when she was younger (I've heard this from several KM's over 60 yrs old. Perhaps this is a variation of the "descended from royalty" myth. Along with KM's telling their kids how their father was the top student at his HS/college. How could all of them have been #1 on the college entrance exam?

Love this blog~! I'm married to a Korean lady and, although my mother-in-law is dead (died when my wife was 7 :(, I can definately see little aspects in my honey's personality that will reveal themselves in full once we have children. Her sister back in Seoul is currently forcing the kids on the violin-and-straight-A's path, and I often hear about how Yong-chan (sp?) is a 'very naughty boy' because he fights with his mom and doesn't practice enough.

My wife was 34 when we got married. yep. One of the first things she told me when we were dating was that no Korean man (no *good* Korean man, anyway) would want to have anything to do with her, because of her age. I thought this was the silliest thing I'd ever heard. Later she went back to Seoul and told her family that she had a boyfriend...and that it was an American. Her brother, a buisnessman, was so shocked he could only repeat "what? what?" That said, they were very accepting towards me when I visited. I later asked my wife if the reception would have been the same if I had black skin -- my wife giggled nervously. X|

Well, my mom's advice of wearing hats, sunblock, staying out of the sun is ahead of her time ;)HEHEHE.

When I recently went to the beach..I slathered spf 70 on my face every hour, wore sunglasses that were bigger than my face, huge hat and sat underneath the umbrella most of the day.

Just think peeps.. excessive sun exposure ages the face more quickly! Perhaps that is how our mom's skin looks deceptively younger than their age.. or its all that Shisedo stuff they slather on their face ;)

On the pale skin standard-- I just have to mention that I saw the funniest thing when I was in Seoul a couple years ago: On a billboard-type advertising for whitening cream, I saw that the woman in the picture was no other than Jessica Alba. For those that have not heard of this actress, she is tan, like I am, and honestly doesn't look like the type to use whitening cream.But in this picture she looked white-washed a bit in that it was obvious huge white lights were used to take the picture... I just thought it was really funny to see a tan American actress advertising whitening cream :P

@ yg family-- I so hear you on the old condiments!! My Asian grandma keeps LOTS of things past their expiration, passing it off as "still good... I just bought it last week!" Even though it says on the label that it expired 4-6 years ago. She also thinks this applies to soap, clothes, OTC medicines, most food, etc...

The white skin thing is hilarious. My KM also wants a PALE WHITE face and wears foundation that WAY too light. After a while, if she's eaten or something, you can see the darkness around her mouth where she may have licked off some of her pale foundation. God love her... she means well! And now that I'm a KM myself, I wonder if my daughters will be saying the same things about me!!!!!!! (surely not, right???)

I already posted this comment on a previous entry before reading this one, but it is far more appropriate here. Sorry for the double post, but here it is:

As for the sun visors, that is a must-have for just about all Korean mamas, especially the ones that can be propped down to cover their faces when directly facing the sun.

Speaking of sun protection, how about having a pair of long sleeves in the car? I'm not talking about a long-sleeved shirt or sweater. I mean literally two sleeves to cover their arms from the blaring sunshine of a cloudy day.

But these shirtless sleeves don't cover every part of the body. She must use newspapers, towels, or actual screens with suction cups (if your KM doesn't consider it "waste money" over cheap newspapers and old towels) to hang on all car windows (and even windshields...yes, windshields) to block the menacing sun from bringing out any melanin her skin may be hiding. I almost got pulled over once while driving my mom around because of the towel hanging from her passenger window (which I begged her not to use, to no avail). We thought we pulled the towel down quickly enough, but the cop just gave us a menacing look and a "nuh-uh" finger side-to-side motion.

Chiyo...I just found your blog and freakin' LOVE IT!!! You don't know how much it's been crackin' my ass for the past hour. It would have taken half the time, but the tears of laughter are slowing me down. Thanks so much, and I'll be linking your blog from a few of my reference sites!

i think a person should neither be too white nor too dark.i am indian and i dont have the best complexion but that doesnt matter.a bit tan looks fabulous.even if my mom was korean i wld have never listened to her ï dont want to look like a pale sick person out of some horrible disease

I remember working on my tan back in the day while other korean women were loading up on whitening products for the summer. My mom would wear long sleeves and long pants in korea while using a parasol. She would wear a sunhat or bring a parasol to the beach. My dad used to tell me that I'll get skin cancer if I kept roasting myself.

Well, fast forward to today, I have these awful sun spots that seemed to have appeared and now I'm using whitening creams, sunhats, and parasols. I've even considered lasering them off. Hm, maybe it was wise of her to stay out of the sun...

I'm Korean and I have pale skin but I live in Australia and all the girls here try to look more 'tanned'. So when I went to Korea I was surprised at how all the women get into so much effort to achieve fair skin... I personally think a healthy tone looks much more atractive, look at Lee Hyori!

This is hilarious because Korean moms sound just like the Indian moms :)Mind you we were lucky that our mom didn't ever make any remarks about our looks but there were always plenty of aunties and grannies to shake their heads and go, "tsk tsk! you keep playing in sun and getting dark...Hai Ram! We are never going to find any boy for you!". LOL! oh those good ol' dames who pushed fair & lovely on us.

You are so accurate on this one. I am in the Sun Tan Lotion business and the Korean market is a hard nut to crack. We should develop some anti-suntan lotion and that would sell much better. Great Blog.

As a KA living in the southern part of the United States, I have become much tanner than any of my Korean counterparts in Korea from all the beachgoing and swimming at school. My mom doesn't worry about it all too much though. She thinks that I can be as different as I want to be and pale little Korean children disgust her.....she thinks they're all sick or something. She never picks at my skin tone, just how I inherited her round face. So I didn't grow up thinking that I was at all strange or different until I visited Korea this past summer. It was there where I realized that in Korean society, it is absolutely necessary to put on massive amounts of spf 230000 sun screen and shield myself from any sort of contact with sun rays, even if it meant wearing obnoxiously large hats and covering myself up. I was discriminated against at various marketplaces such as DongDaeMun and other markets such as the ones in Chunho. People all assumed that because of my skin color, I was not from around there and would a) raise the prices ridiculously high then when I put the stuff down b) talk crap about me behind my back, assuming that I could not understand them. Countless times, I heard the people complaining on how there was a foreigner at their store and how dark foreigners aren't worth anything. Coming from fellow Koreans who were supposed to be on my side, I was deeply hurt by all these incidents. Maybe Korean moms are obsessed with being pale for these reasons. Maybe they want to be saved from the discrimination and the hatred from the fellow Koreans around them. Maybe they want to fit in and believe that they are truly Korean through being pale....IDK, just my opinion.

I just found this blog and I can't get enough! It reminds me of my mother XDMy Korean mom was not only obsessed with being pale, but the only thing that would be a suitable gift to give her was anti-aging cream. She used it as if it was going out of style. Keep up the amazing posts =)

you cant clearly say yellow tone for yellow tones and pink is for pink undertones. There are MANY exceptions. People dont pick it out that way. There are even people who get into arguments at makeup counters because they are a cool and someone insisted they were a warm. Alot of times darker toned women like African American/carribean women have to mix more than one foundation ,everyone on earth is differentAfter years of being a makeup artist. The rule stands true. There are no rules to makeup, only rules of thumb. Nothing called "too anything".I disagree with telling anyone how to wear their foundation/blush/powder/eyeliner/eyeshadow. Makeup is subjective. Everyone has their own makeup style. Many light people tend to go light/lighter or mix it with a luminzer to make themselves brighter/radiant/porcelin like. A great example of this would be dita von teese, who even stays out the sun to maintain her light skintone and wears light foundation. Others prefer to be dark/darker and darken in the sun or use bronzer all over their skintone. Different people have different preferences. If I spelled "Horse" "Howrse" than there is no "ifs" "and" or "buts" because grammar isnt subjective. What is wrong is wrong!However. Makeup is subjective. I hate nude lips. Does that mean its right to say "dont wear nude lips" ? No.I might not like it but someone else might. There is no rule to makeup. Thats the beauty of being a makeup artist. There are soo many different styles. I hate bronzer. But maybe there is someone who loves that deep bronzed look. I cant go to them and say "dont go soo deep in the bronzer" and say its "constructive". There are soo many different styles.who is anyone to tell someone theyre wearing a too light or too dark foundation, because there is no such thing. Nicole and Sam from pixiwoo(huge makeupartists in Britain) sometimes wear paler or darker foundation and it looks gorgeous! as long as people blend it to the neck its fine....some people prefer to look bright and radiant.

Asian countries are obsessed with white skin and western countries are in love with the "tanned look".I live in germany and here many of my friends love to tan and always want to look brown.I am naturally really pale with dark hair. 2 years ago I always got a tan in the summer and I loved to go to the sun because that's what Western people call beautiful. Now 2 years later I am studying Korean and because of cultural influence like Korean friends, dramas, CFs( commercials) and a visit in Korea I changed my mind. I like to stay white like I naturally am and I hate it when friends try to convince me to go to a tanning studio to get brown skin to look healthy. I mean what's the meaning of this ? Why is is "sick" when U are white ? That's So silly but that's what Europeans think. So not only Koreans are discriminating when it comes to skin color. So I think the cultural influence is the main point here: looking TV, commercials which tell us what's beautiful and what's not, just look at Indian CFs, it's really extreme how white skin is promoted. It's the same in western countries but with the tan look.So when everybody around u tells you white is beautiful wouldn't you want to be white ? So no wonder Korean moms and people are obsessed with the white look. Of course they are, maybe they get a better partner and better job and and... It all comes with it. Stil I think wanting to be white is healthier than getting brown all the time. At least your skin is not destroyed from the sunlight( except for aggressive whitening creams). When I see girls here in germany who look like 30 when they are actually 22 or 23 is shocking and it comes from all this tanning studios.so every country is kinda obsessed with skin tone. Sad but true. I know I am not Korean but I stil wanted to share my opinion on this. It's just really interesting to see how different tastes and opinions can be when it comes to "beauty " ( skincolor).

I wish I had listened to my wise Korean mother about protecting my skin. Now, in my 40's, I have horrible hyperpigmentation that I wish looked like freckles. They are actually precancerous cells that are not only ugly but dangerous. Maybe there's more to it than just loving pale skin. My mom loved the beach and looked great with a tan, so it would've been pretty hypocritical for her to mention sunblock more than once. My owe ma was an amazing woman who had persevered through many tragedies and I know she loved her children the best she could with what she had. I'm not half the woman my mom was but I'm still trying. I did make Chop Chae for the first time this past year. It was awesome!

I wish I had listened to my wise Korean mother about protecting my skin. Now, in my 40's, I have horrible hyperpigmentation that I wish looked like freckles. They are actually precancerous cells that are not only ugly but dangerous. Maybe there's more to it than just loving pale skin. My mom loved the beach and looked great with a tan, so it would've been pretty hypocritical for her to mention sunblock more than once. My owe ma was an amazing woman who had persevered through many tragedies and I know she loved her children the best she could with what she had. I'm not half the woman my mom was but I'm still trying. I did make Chop Chae for the first time this past year. It was awesome!

Korean mothers are so beautiful. I find them thoroughly gracious and enticing. Somehow mysterious. But I guess I just get tired of looking at sun-crisped bottle blondes with sharp Long Island accents and children in college.