just some thoughts I had while driving

I remember when I used to think that “someday I will figure it all out and I will know how to just be happy.” I actually thought that it was something that I was doing wrong. I saw adults who seemed to have it all together. They seemed calm and in control and I admired them so much. And they would always giggle every time I would tell them that.

I was always working so hard and fighting myself constantly as I just couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me to just be okay.

But now, I love where I am in my life. I love that I understand I will never just be happy, that things will never just be good, no matter how hard I try. Understanding this is so freeing.

Life is full of ups and downs and you never know what the next day is going to be like. It is crazy. But that is what makes it so good. The deep pain we feel is what makes the love and happiness so much better. The unknown is what makes life so interesting and so hard yet so rewarding.

I love that I am at a place now where the hard times are surrounded by a sense of understanding that these things are only going to make me stronger…that I will get past them. I know I will heal from heartbreak and pain and anything else life throws at me. I know that it all too shall pass. That time heals all…if you let it. If you are patient and if you are kind, thankful and above all: have faith.

I know that you just have to get up again. I know that no matter how many times life knocks me down, I will always get up and I will always fight back and I will always win. Because my mind is strong.

I know that when you don’t give up, when you believe in the good no matter how much bad is around you, that good things will happen.

I am just thankful for all of this. I am thankful to be where I am today.

…Oh, and the sub job today…being surrounded by these kids sweet innocence is amazing. Today, I got to go around the classroom during silent reading and work with kids individually. I was working with this sweet little girl who had the sweetest voice, was so quiet and would second-guess every word she would read. She would read a word (say it correctly…or close enough to correctly) but then instantly second-guess herself and stop reading, start blushing, look over at me, and then read it again so quietly I could barely hear. I loved watching her emotions go all over the place, because it was pure innocence. Watching these kids learn to read…is an amazing experience. Just that short 5 or 10 min I got to spend with her was incredibly special. I loved having the opportunity to encourage her with just my reactions. I got to show her that I will never judge her for trying and that I believe in her. I love having the opportunity to bring myself to the same level as them. To help them feel important and smart and know that I respect them just as much as anyone else.

I also had the opportunity to each lunch in the cafeteria with a sweet little 1st grade boy who is also in a wheelchair and his friends. I got to do wheelies, rolling around the cafeteria and showing them that the wheelchair is 100% irrelevant to who I am as a person. They all had, and always have, so many questions about it and I love getting to be the person to educate them about it all.