The Truth About Grief

My story + the lessons that changed me.

Grief. Where do I even start?

I’ve tried to sit down and write this post so many times, but the truth is, sitting down to write means reliving everything I’ve been through in the past two years. I want to start with a disclaimer: I am not a therapist, a doctor, or anyone claiming I know what is right. Instead, I’m just a girl who has been through some really hard shit. I’ve walked through it, I’ve lived with it, and today I’m finally ready to share my story.

Maybe you’ve never experienced anything like I have. I pray you haven’t. It’s not a fun club to be a member of, although, I know many of you are from talking to you. Maybe grief has looked different for you, and that’s ok.

In fact, that’s lesson number one. If there is one thing I can tell you, it’s that grief looks different for everyone.

We’re all human. We all feel things. We all have eyes, a nose, and a mouth, but we aren’t all exactly the same. We need different things, express love in various ways, and most of all handle grief in our own way.

Before we get into all that, let’s rewind. I’m going to be very honest, I never expected this. My entire life my family has been extremely close. I was blessed with two incredible parents who love/loved me without bounds, and a brother who has been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember. Don’t get me wrong, no one is perfect but simply put, I was blessed in the family department and have always been very grateful for that.

Fast forward to 2-3 years ago when I was pregnant with Kinsley. My dad was one of the healthiest, happiest, most incredible people I knew. He ran a company, golfed 5 days a week, and used to consistently kick my ass in pretty much everything we did (although I rarely admitted it). For some context, Alex used to say he was a real renaissance man. He could pretty much do anything he set his mind to and not only do it, but do it well. My mother-in-law liked to joke that he was secretly the man from the Dos Equis “world’s most interesting man” commercials. He was the type of person that filled a room the minute he walked in. To sum it up, his charisma was tangible.

I still remember where I was when I got the call from my parents telling me that my dad had cancer. I was standing in the garage of our old house attempting to organize something long overdue. I got a call from my parents, both of them (which wasn’t normal). I could hear in their voices that something was wrong. I knew whatever it was, wasn’t good, but I could tell they didn’t want to upset me too much since I was roughly 6 months pregnant. My dad had cancer. Stage 3 they thought at the time. Cancer? What the fuck… Cancer was just a dirty word that I heard from friends of friends, or on TV while I cooked dinner. I felt like someone had sucker punched me in the gut. I didn’t understand half of what my parents said on that call after that, and the things I did understand, I didn’t want to.

I won’t get into everything that happened during the months in-between the day I found out and the day he passed. There are some things that I believe should stay personal, but just know it was brutal. Rip your heart out and throw it down the kitchen sink disposal kind of brutal.

My dad was not only one of the most successful and charming people I knew, but he was also the funniest. We liked to banter back and forth, teasing each other constantly. Our humor was probably a little dark for some people, but it was always how we rolled. I used to tease him, saying that he was never average, so why would his cancer be? To sum it up, his cancer was tough and fast and relentless, just like him.

I was there the day my dad passed. I will never forget that day. The dark and foggy day that I saw him for the last time. The trillions of emotions that coursed through my veins. He was my person.

But the story of grief is what happens next.

I spent the next week in a fog. I was a mom of a 6 month old baby at the time, so I woke up and went about my life, feeling like I was in a haze. I remember being so thankful for that squishy little face, the light in the darkest time of my life. In many ways, Kinsley was the best medicine for my broken heart. Without even knowing it really. Her innocence and joy brought the same out of my every day. That’s the thing. For me grief wasn’t really a constant state. Sometimes I was sad and in pain—the sitting on my bedroom floor can’t get up type of pain, and other moments I was so genuinely happy, filled with joy, laughing and living in the moment.

One of my very best friends that I’d known forever, drove from Dallas to Austin to be with us. She stayed with me for 3 days and we did whatever I felt like doing. I can’t tell you know much having her around meant to me. When I wanted to cry, she was there. When I needed to be distracted, we ran errands. And when I didn’t even know what I needed, just having her there added a layer of comfort that did all anyone could hope for in the moment. It just helped. I was so happy to see her at the time, but didn’t fully realize how impactful the act of her coming was until the fog of grief lifted, and I could see clearly enough to reflect back on that time. Hard times have a way of really illuminating the people in your life. I will forever be grateful for our drop everything friendship.

It taught me all about lesson number 2, I call this the ‘just be there’ lesson.

I get asked a lot about what to do to help a grieving friend or partner and my best advice (in my experience) is to just be there. Show up. Laugh, cry, hold them, talk about it if they want, don’t if they can’t, cry more, distract them, love them. The reality is that there is truly nothing you can do to fill the void, or soothe the pain they feel. There is nothing you can say to erase their hurt, but if you show up they will feel it, and even if they can’t articulate it at the time, I promise, it will help. Oh, and don’t worry about saying the right thing, there isn’t a right thing to say, just be there.

Back to the story. I’ve always talked to my mom about everything. My mom has always been my sounding board and is no doubt the strongest women I know. Her strength and perseverance has been nothing short of astounding. I pray I can one day be half the woman she is and the wife she was. But, like I said earlier, people grieve differently. I lost a dad, but she lost her husband, her partner for the past 30+ years, and I wanted to respect that and let her go through the process in her own way. The truth is, no matter how close you are with someone and no matter how much you normally lean on someone, when grief hits, you have the go through the process yourself.

If I could summarize my grief in one word, without trying to sugarcoat it, I think it would just be lonely.

I had (and still have) an astounding sense of peace knowing my dad was no longer in pain, that he was with God. I knew he was in heaven and that washed constant waves of warmth over the sometimes numbing feeling of loss. I’m not really sure why, but I was never mad at God, just kind of broken feeling. I think the best way to describe it is this: my dad is a big part of who I am today and I felt the void of his absence. I received several signs after my dad passed that he was watching down on me. I get chills just thinking about them. I still get the signs and they always make me smile and feel just how potently God’s love can cut through anything.

It’s time for the third major lesson that grief taught me – it’s not easy, but you can CHOOSE what happens next.

You can lay down and give up, succumb to the sad feelings and just coast on cruise control. Or you can fight and live and even thrive. I decided to thrive. I filled my time doing things I LOVE. Again, this looks different for everyone. For me that meant spending time with people I love (Alex, Kinsley, the rest of my family, friends). Doing things that I knew my dad loved (always makes me feel close to him), and honestly, working! I truly love what I do here. Some people probably didn’t understand how I could come on Instagram and story or post the week after but to me, it helped.

Why do people think they have a right to judge the way other people grieve?

I never understood that. Connecting with you guys and doing things I truly enjoy, helped me so much. The kind messages, comments, and prayers from you all helped me more than you know. I also got moving and did things like work out, get out of the house, and just keeping myself busy.

The hard truth is that there isn’t really anything that takes away the pain of loss, but time, just hours and days and years that will chip away at the sting. I often get asked if it ever gets “better”? I’m not sure better is really the right word, but ya, it does get easier. You learn to live inside the world of your new normal. I LOVE talking about my dad. I miss him everyday but I like talking about him and seeing photos or videos and sweet reminders of how lucky I was to have him for the years that I did. A friend once told me that even though Kinsley won’t really ever remember him, she will know him through all the parts of him that still live in me. We talk about him a lot. How he loved to fish and golf, and I tell her all the funny stories. She already knows him more than she realizes.

So, here comes lesson number four… grief isn’t linear. It’s up and down and all the fucking way around.

There are good days, bad days, and everything in between, but isn’t that life? It’s kind of this beautiful ball of yarn. All tangled and intertwined in itself. I can truly say that while I wish this wasn’t a fire I had to walk through, it has forged me into a stronger version of myself.

As many of you know, I got a little rainbow tattoo for my Dad. The same day I got my rainbow, I also got a tiny cursive “b”. I shared that I got it for someone but didn’t share why or what it meant because it was/is personal, but I’ve had hundreds of questions about my tiny “b” asking what it stands for. So here it is: In October we lost Alex’s little brother, Bryson. He was funny, goofy, kind, talented, creative, deep, stylish, and overall all one of my favorite people in the world. We had a special bond from day 1. Of course I didn’t know at the time, but losing my dad the year prior would go on to help me be there for Alex as he walked through the loss of a brother. I can’t say I would have been able to otherwise. To be 100% real with you guys, I haven’t really processed the loss of Bryson yet. My primary focus over the past few months has been making sure Alex is ok (he’s strong and doing as well as you can be). When you don’t see someone daily (he didn’t live near us), and you aren’t faced with the daily reminders that they are gone, it’s easy for it all to feel like a bad dream.

I like to think that my dad and Bryson are playing cards, or maybe my dad is teaching him to play the violin up in heaven (he always wanted to learn and would play with him during the holidays). I know both of them are safe and sound and we’ll see them again one day. I know that with every fiber of my being.

Lesson number 5, grief can give you perspective, if you let it.

The past two years have given me perspective and have also given me a strength to distance myself for anyone who isn’t a positive character in my life. We all have those people who we know don’t really wish us well or maybe aren’t the best friends, but they stay in our lives anyways. I no longer have time for that. Instead, I focus my energy on the relationships and things that add value and good to my life. Life is too short to surround yourself with the negative. Do what you love with who you love. Life is too short to do anything but live and do it well. Do it for the people who aren’t here to do it with you.

Don’t let the pain of their loss cripple you, let it drive you to be better, and live fully.

To me, grief feels like getting dropped in the middle of a stormy, choppy ocean. You’re trying to swim but each rush of waves pushes you deeper. You may go under for a minute, but you fight and come back up, gasping for air, breathing it all in as the rain hits your face. Sometimes you swim and struggle while your body burns and aches, and other times you just need to roll on your back and rest. Maybe you even see a beautiful dolphin swim by and you take a ride. One day after lots of swimming, you find a boat, you get out of the water and you can finally breathe again.

Then, you learn to drive the boat, navigate your new normal and you start to head to the shore. Every now and then a storm will come that blows you backwards a little, but you keep on going, following the light. You finally reach the shore that once seemed so far in the distance. You dust off all the sand and ring the salty water out of your hair, but there’s still sand left in places you can’t see and your hair is a little wet—the sand rubs in spots and the texture of your hair is different but you’re finally safe on shore. You’re OK.

The truth is, loss has changed me. I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t, but you see, sometimes change has a negative connotation and I don’t mean it that way. I love the person I am today. Instead I mean it in the truest sense of the word. I know I am a little different from I was before, but it’s part of me now. I hope a part of me that I can use as a gift to help anyone swimming in their ocean, even if in the smallest way.

What I’m trying to say is that I wrote this post for anyone who needs it today or one day, but I also wrote it for me. You are not alone. That’s what life is all about really, isn’t it? Loving others well and human connection. Whether you’re swimming through the stormy waters of grief, or trying to throw someone you love a lifeline, just know you’re not alone.

We got this. Life is full of goodness if you look for it, so open your damn eyes and live.

Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my dad over 20 years ago and there are still days of tears and heartache. Most days there are fond memories ANd thru that my teens "know" their papa. I know he'd be proud of me and of them. ❤ fast forward and we lost a very young light in our lives in December, and the pain is fresh and real and it pains me to watch my children go through that. I know that this pain for them will one day be the reason they can be a lifeline, as you put it, for someone else. Big hugs. ❤

So increDibly beautiful. Thank you for being vulnerable & sharing a piece of your heart. Love what you said about keeping your dads memory aliVe with kinsley. My father-in-law Passed away 2.5 Years ago & we have a 2 year old gIrl that we want to honor his memory & TeAch her about her “papa.” Praying for cont peace & healing for you.

Hi couRtney,
ThanK you for this post. I lost my mom ( my best Friend) on november 11th 2018. I loved this women to pIeces. I also got a tattoo, to rEmember her (its of her heart beat) And Every time i look at it, it brings a smIle to my face. ThaNk you for sharing

Thank you for posting this and sharing your story. I am so, so for the losses you and alex have experienced. I empathize with your feeling of sadness that your children will not know their grandparent; but your friends and family are right! The best parts of our passed loved ones live on in those who they left behind. It's their legacy and our job to pass along those little pieces of light to them. you are a light in a world of darkness to so many people; i am sure of it! Thank you, again, for sharing and keep doing the damn thing! <3

I definitely needed this today and every day. I lost my sweet daddy in 2011 and you've put into words what I have been feeling for so long and could not quiet express it through talking. Thank you, thank you, thank you sweet friend! XOXO

Thank you, Courtney ❤️ What a beautiful expression of the grief Journey and working towards a dIfferent, if not better, you. It’s the reminder i need to Be “my mother’s Daughter”, to make her proud, to live her legacy of love, strength, and faith, To see the qualities she so generously bestowed upon everyone she met both in myself and My kids. So, thank you For being a light In both your dark and mine.

The part About how kins will know yiur dad because part of him lives through you hit me hard. Back in october my husband lost his grandad. When i first met grandad it was like i totally understood where my huSband got it all. It was from him and the only thing i Cry about is that i felt like my huSband has lost part of him but thats not it at all. All those things i love about grandad i still get to cherish every day because they live through my husband. THank you CourtneY. Thank you.

this was amazing to read. to be honest, i've tried to explain to people how i've felt during times like this, and never truly could put it into words -- but you did. you made that feeling into something describable, and not only that, it gives me relief knowing that it does get better by being surrounded by strong and loving people. thanks for sharing.

Courtney- thank you for sharing! This was beautiful, heartbreaking and oh so true. I lost my mom to a rare blood cAncer july 24th 2019 and i cant even describE the void since shes been gone. But you’ve managed to sum it uP and understand it better than anyone ive talked to in person. I love you for sharing this. 💕 i feel the same and know exactly how hard it is.

This is absolutely amazing. You have truly put it in perspective for me. I lost my mom almost 2 years ago and it has been a hard 2 years. This really helps me. I truly appreCiate your post. Thank you for this. A huge hug to you. ❤️🙏🏼

Ohhhh girl. I just wish I could hug you. I lost my mother very suddenly 3 years ago and I am certain I have never read anything else that so eloquently describes loss, grief, and overcoming the hurdles that go along with those things. It is a terrible thing to have in common with someone but it is always so nice to find comfort in others who have been where you are. I have often described something similar to your analogy with the ocean when it comes to grief but never have i ever stated it so eloquently. Thank you for sharing, as always. Your writing has meaning... because if nothing else, for today, you made me feel a little less alone. All the love and positive vibes pretty lady! <3

Thank younk for sharing your story. Grief is a funny thing we all go through it differently. Funny how you related your story to water. I thought I was in a fishbowl and everyone was just staring at me Waiting to see my next move. It took me a year to be able to come out and start to live. But it truly is the best gift of all to give yourself time. Time to heal. YOUR right through a friend with a good Ear is the best gift of all.

This post is simply beautiful. Grief is a difficult thing to talk about but you have laid bare your soul to us and i thank you. I lost my twin sister to suicide at age 30 and the grief i experienced nearly broke me. It was only the bIrth of my son that brought me back to life. I’m so sorry for your devastating loss but happy you have such a wonderful family to help you through it. You’re incredibly strong.

This could not have come at a Better time as this thursday is the 6th anniversaRy of losing my 36 year old son in a car accident. He was an organ donor and saved many with that one yes to being an organ donor. He was an incredible person and lived a very full life but i would give anything to see his smile or hear his laughTer. I live my new normal and talk about him to anyone that will listen. It keeps his memory alive. Thank you again for your wonderful message.

Beau said girl!! IRonically ihave been following you For a while i randomly ran across you! You have showed me soo much! As a stay at home mom ive let myself go 5 years ago when i stopped worK to be with my son! I Now Have a 2 year old daughter and am ready to better myself feel good in some way make some Money so i can help my husband,repay him in some Way! His dad just got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and liver cancer in june. Never sMoked drank anything. Man of god! Has been extremely hard on us all as a faMily! He is alSo his best friend close person! I just rEally wanted to thank you for sharing! God works in mysterious ways i TruLy believe it! I have came closer to god by other peoples greif! Your beAutiful and sTrong and i am gLad i found you on here and all your beauty sEcrets that this girl Def Needs❤️I may not gEt a reSpond back i usUally dont i Totally underStand how many You gwt daily i couldnt imaginine🙏🙌but im thAnkful YoUr Part of my daily feeD❤️

This was perfect. And can honesy say Every thing you said Was right on from my experience. (Lost my dad december 2018)
Im Very sorry for the losses your family has had to endure.
Thank you for PUTTING your self out there and sharing your experience.

thank you for taking the time to write on this topic. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. this scary fire, i too have experienced this. i lost my bf september 05,2019. it was on a thursday, the same day we did our date day, same day we were going to spend time together after not seeing one another for a while due to busy schedules. He passed away from stomach cancer and I have gone through some pretty ugly emotions and still are. you are right, grief changes you as a person in ever way imaginable for the good. i am still finding the silver lining in this all but every day i just try and do better, be better and if i can't that day, i try the following day. i think alot of people don't know how to be there for someone who is grieving and that can be so hard because no one knows what to say. it's easy to get upset with those that judge and are ignorant to this but all i wish is that one day, they never have to go through something like this. just know that this blog post will help so many. thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this. i was one of many who reached out for a post like this because i was so lost at the time. i didn't think i would make it but here we are. we are strong individuals and god has a plan. there's a reason behind all of this even though in the moment we don't see it. sending you so much love.

Beautifully written. My father in law is about to pass away from a battle with pancreatIc cancer. I’m trying to prepare myself for my husband’s sake so i can be there for him, And also for my kids who really got to know him this year. Grief is hard and cancer is a thief.

I can relatE to this So much as i lost my dad and BROTHER to cancer within the last few years! BOth so suDDen and Both gone within 6 moNths of FINDING out! I tRy not to dWell on it but think of All the goOd times we haD. Thank you for sharing! 🙏🏻

Wow!!! This was so raw and beautiful!!! I cant say that I didnt cry but what you said is so true and real!! Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us!!! I know it must be hard but this will help people!! I have went through my own things and this hit the spot!!! You're amazing stay you!!!

What a beautiful testament of what you have gone through and hope others learn from. You are such an inspiration to so many and such a beautiful person inside and out. Always be true to yourself, sweet girl.

Thank you so much for doing this! I lost my mom suddeNly of a heart attack 3yrs ago & my mother-in-law of breast cancer 4yrs ago. Just the other day i was noticing that i was starting to gobackwards- going back to the darknesS & anger that i feLt when they passed. Thank you for reminding me that im human & that “i got this!” Much love & respecT, Brenda H.

ThaNk you for POSTING this. I have to Admit, i have been ANTICIPATING this post for a while. Last january, i lost my DAughter due to stillbirth aNd i have been struggling to put it into words. You have such a beautiful perspective on life and i have been waNting to heAr Your take on life and grief. I relate to everythiNg you have said in my own way. What you wrote was true and classy and real and i so appreciate it all. Thank you for sharing your story. ThaNk you so much. 💗

Thank you so much for writing this. I know it toOk a lot of STRENGTH to write this but thank you for always keeping it real. This post and your song have really helped during some tough times. I do believe grief is so DIFFERENT for everyone whether it be a FAmily member, pet, or even friendship. So thank you for the reminder that it will get easier and sometimes we just have to ride the waves of life. Much lovE! - Jen

Wow! Totally felt like i was reaDing my life story my dad died from cancer afteR a short 7 month battle (my daughter was 6 months old at the time) and then my brother committed suicide a few years lateR. A lot to take in within a few years but our children and our family help us through the though times. Thanks so much for your raw emotions and lettiNg me know im not the only one going through the rough times. ❤️

CourTney- i can’t thank you enough for this. I lost my dad unexpectEdly in septEmber. And your description of loss is exactly how i have felt and continue to Feel. It is so profound. Your story inspires me to find the boat and drive ☺️. My daughter is hAving a very hard time. This is her first real Experience with death. I Am going to share your post with her. God Bless. ❤️

Your analogy of grief to being dropped in the middle of a stormy choppy ocean is spot on. unfortunately and fortunately enough I can relate to every word and you're right, you're not alone. That's so important to remember. It's a somber and at times lonely club to be part of but if you let it, it will make you a better person. I'm happy that's what you've let it do for you.

All so true. i have list my mom to heart DISEASE, mu dad to cancer and an infznt daughte. Grief is a roD one travels alone no matter how many friendsEyc ste there for you. And as my mom told me ehen we lost our onfs t daught—you conq it or it conqUers you. Thank you for your story. Id say “ditto”. I agree

This is such a beautifully written piece filled with amazing imagery and eMotion. Your readers/followers are that much closer to you for it. Thanks for putting all down for us. I totally feel you as it relates to the loss of my mother a few years back.

Hi CouRtney ..
This is 💯 on point. I lost my sister from cancer and my dad from alzheimers within a year and a half. I was numb going through the emotions and today the griEf still brings me to my knees. I tell myslef my dad livEd a long healthy life to 78 but my skster was only 48 and way too young. People who have never lost someone so cLose to
Them will never UndersTand The Pain
With evEry day and every memory you replay in your mind. Just be there For alex And the pain never fully goes away but the stIng becomes less. And cherish every moment and memory with uour father.

Courtney so very well said..Our family went Through something very similiar to you and your Dad..we are a very close family also..my mother was a Very smart, talente, beautiful lady and everybody loved her..she was DIAGNOSED with cancer and beat it and Then sadly here comEs ALZHEIMER'S..It totally changed her personAlity and appearance.. my oldest granddaughter was extremely close to her..My mothEr been gone 4 years now and my grand is having to Go to counseling now..shes juSt never been aBle to Deal with it..thanks so much for sharing your personal and true feelings..im so sorry you and Alex had to experience this at such a young age..love and prayers to all..

Courtney, im not going through grief at the moment, but im so glad you were brave enough to put thia out there. Reading this, i felt like it was SOMETHING I’ll Come back To if/when i’m faced with these emotions. Thank you for putting human eMOTION into such eloquent words.

Courtney, im not going through grief at the moment, Reading this, i felt like it was SOMETHING I’ll Come back To if/when i’m faced with these emotions. Thank you for putting human eMOTION into such eloquent words.

BeAutifully written! Thank You so much for sharing your story...made me think of my nana and how i think of her and miss her everyday! I always think putting things to paper helps the process..thanks Again

Thank you for this beautiful, vulnerable post. I cried through most of it having to stop and wipe my tears. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and for the loss of Bryson. I am wrapping my heart around you, Alex and all who loved them both. Your words will be saved, shared and revisited often. Thank you. You are a gift. May you continue to heal and move through your grief as you need to. Many blessings. Xoxo

Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my dad a year ago and have been struggling to find the right outlet. Luckily, I have a really close family and an amazing partner. It helps, but it has been a journey for sure. Thank you for sharing! I know this must have been both an outlet and a challenge.

Courtney, Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and your heartwtenching grief. I lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad a year ago. Somedays i thrIve and smile and live fully. Other days i struggle and am overwhelmed with sadness and mad tHat my children were robbed from having a close relationship with their grandparents. I feel so very grateful to have had my mom and Dad for the years i did and the shining example they are/were for me. You hear of so many people that have damaged relationships with their parents, but that ISN'T my story and for that i am so very grateful. I will carry my memories with me and my sweet traditions my parents shared with us and live fully knowing i will see them again one day. Your analogy about TRUDGING rough waters is spot on with tHe journey of grief. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing it with us. It makes us all feel a bit more connected and normal.

Wow! This was beautifully written. I lost my graNdfather going on 7 yeArs ago. IT still feels like yesterday. He was More Like a faTheR than grandparent to me. And i still go through waves of grief and sadness. BuT you learn to apPreciate and RemembeR the amazing person he was. And those are the memOries you remember and cherish. My hUsband and i are expecting Our fIRst cHild, a little in march of this Year. I know tHat my grAmps is waTching Over Us.
Thank You for sharing your sTory.

Thank you for writing this. I lost my father suddenly 8 years ago. He had a massive heart attack and was gone Just like that. My dad was my person. Very sUccessful professionally and was a wonderful loving supportive father to me and my sister. We share stories with our kids and hang lots of pictures to keep his memory alive. Even now, 8 years later my heart is Still broKen. But like you i do my best to be grateful for the time i had even if it wasnt long enouGh. Putting into words what loss feels like is difficult to do, and you did it beautifully. Thank you for your honestY aNd SharIng your Story.

I love what you say about what you do next is a choice. My husband and i lost his youngest brother and both ouR dads in a thirty day period this past year. While is has been an EXTREMELY hard thing to process we choose Daily to see the blessings. Thanks for sharing

Wow... i needed this today. Thank you so much for writing this. 3 days before christmas my brother in law UNEXPECTEDLY passed away. He was Only 22. The grief that my family haS been going through has been so painful. On hard days i will read this and be reminded that im not aLone and healing will happen. Thank you

I've lost my mom and dad. I completely feel this, thank you for sharing your experience. It's been 5 years since losing my mom and some days, the tidal wave comes. I've learned to lean in, remember, and celebrate the time I had with her.

I cant explain In words what this pOst means to me. I lost my dad just over a year ago and i remember reaching out to you as i struggled to find my footing in this ‘process’ And i wanted some magic wand to be linked in a swipe up. (I mean can this be a thing ... some where, some how?) your vulnerability in this post is brave and strong, your dad and B are Proud of you! Praying for your cOntinued strength and peace, because this is not linear. Thank you for a beautiful post & sharing your heart!

I lost my mom to CANCER WHEN i was 27 weeks pregnant in 2017 and i can Relate to all these feelings and motions yoj described! I am so thankful you put this out there to help those who need it! Death is something none of us can avOid even when we Would do anythIng for our loved ones to Remain here on earth with us. I aCtually just sent this to a Amazing friend who lost her husband suddenly at a very young age! She is Struggling! Its okay to struggle. We all copE differently and i hope she will find something InSpiring or hopeful from your worDs! Sending hugs!!!

Beautifully written, what great lessons for someone like me LEARNING how to navigate grieF. My dad just passed in SeptembeR, still so fresh. Thank you for sharing your heart, i needed to read this on my birthday today as i’m really miSsing him today. Hugs!!

Very beautifully written! I lost my hUsband to cancer in JANUARY of 2016 after 7 months of fighting cancer. I am not the same person either, nor do i look at the world the same, so I understand. Keep on smiling and living and doing the great job you do being yourself. Thank-you!

Thank tou for sharing. I am a 62 yr old mother of 4 grown children (who are all each ither's best friends) My husband and i marrriec 38 years. VerY, very close family, much like yours. Our oldest daughter 36 married with 2 little girls 5 and 3 was killed instantky in a car wreck oct 17th, my birthday. (Driver going wrong way on hwy.) she was alone. 1st grade teacher. all of us are Still in shock and broken. Holidays were terrible although we put on happy faces for tHe giRls (who are doing very well actually, now). Prayers are needed and welcome. I too, am a teacher and trying to pull myself together for both my family and stydents. GoD bless you

This was A very special read for me. I lost my mom this past year (to cancer) at a young age and i feel exactly like your metaphor. Sometimes is a really good day or stretch of Days and then a wave comes and pushes me back a little. Anyway, thank you for opening up as i too do not open up to anyone so i know how difficult that is for you. Thanks again and i’m truly sorry for your loss. Hugs.

I lost my father at 10 years old i am now 35 years old. i also lost my only sister 5 years ago. iT has been hard but This helped me, knowing i can grieve in my own way and thats ok. I also have a 3 year old daughter n 5 month old son. I didnt want to become a mother without my sister here but i knew i had to push thru that pain bc she always wanted me to be a mother. She wouldnt want me to not become one because she wasnt here. im so happy i pushed thru that pain bc They like you said have been my medicine for my broken heart.

This is such a BEAUTIFUL and accurate passage about grief. Im so sorry your family has had these 2 tremendous losses. Your relationship with your Dad is such a sPecial one and it will continue to grow!
My baby brother was killed in a car accident aLmost 13 years ago, he was the youngest of 6, he was only 20, 2 weeks away from getting married and 3 months away from meeting his daughter, and a freakin amazing person wIth a smile that would light up every room. I miss him TREMENDOUSLY... His presence is still with us and with his daughter. We talk about him like he is still here and she knows him through us:) Life isn’t Fair and the only thing you caN do to honor those that have died is to love COMPLETELY. I compare My loss to losing a limb .... you will never be the same as yOU were before, but you Learn how to live without that limb.... only tHrough God’s graces 🙏🏻 God Bless you and your family 💔

beautiful Courtney, i have experience with this and you Describe it perfectly. For me, it was my daughter... my baby girl. She survived, Yet i GrIeved the near loss of her. I have learned so much from our time beTween heaven and earth. Eveyone grieves uniquely and to just be present with it is grace... a gifT from God. Kudos on your sharing ...again, beAutiful.

WOW. Courtney this is beautiful, sad, courageous and amazing. What a beautiful tribute and story. YOU'RE right...grief sucks. Losing people sucks. And EVeryone grieves DIFFERENTLY. Its been teo years since my dad passed, and i still wish every day he was here to watch my kids grow up, and teach them about life. Thank you for your BEAUTIFUL soul, and beautiful words.

Thank you for sharing such a personal stOry. It was something i needed to hear today. I lost my brother and then my dad, both Of who i was very close to. Both of who i miss so much it Physically hurts my hEart. It’s true it doesn’t get easier, it’s “different”. I’m sorry for your loss and for your husbands loss. THanks for sharing ❤️

This was incredible. My husband lost his brother to cancer a few years back. His brother was 17. he was speechless at your song “miss you sometimes”. He’s never really been good with words and it really spoke to him. I can’t wait to show hiM this post, it was trule incrEdible. Your strength is inspiring, Xoxo.

Wow!!!! This hit me right in the heart because it has been what ive been experiencing the past six months. I Did not losE someone due To death but went through a brutal break up. Thank you for being so honest and putting your heart into this.

Courtney, this is so beautifully written and so heartfelt. You are wise beyond your years. I marvel at the woman that your mom and dad raised and I know both of them are so proud. As hard as this must’ve been to Write I do know that it will be a comfort to so many and that even includes me I’m very sorry about the second loss for you and Alex as well.love Susan

Thanks for such a touching story. I have lost bith my parents. In laws and 2 sisters. And another sister has bone cancer. When my mother in law passed my dad died 4 months later, my sis a month later. It was very gard on my child. They were 14 and 16. It was 11 years sgo and i still have mome that hit me out if the blue. Prayers for you and Alex.❤️

Great writing. My world tilted when I lost my mom to cancer. She was healthy her whole life then one day I was told she had stage 4 breast cancer. We had her for only three months after that. My world forever changed. But yes. Open your eyes and love. Love and thank God for the precious memories. Live and cherish the ones you love. These type of experiences change you forever. Don't sweat the small stuff. Thank you for sharing your story

Thanks for sharing your story and your heart. I loss my daddy august 17,2018, he was and still is the love of my life. I think about him everyday and miss him dearly. Thanks for sharing a part of who you are. Prayers FOr you and Alex ♥️

Such a BEAUTIFUL story and so heartfelt. I loss my mother two Years ago to the “ c” word. She had ESOPHAGEAL cancer and she didn’t even live three months from the Day we were told. This is a very Difficult type of cancer to experience/watch (siNce you eventually cannot swallow) and please knoW tHat i am not saying any one type is worse thAn tHe other. So like your dad...My mom was my world (my father passed away when i was 3 months old) so she truely was my everything.
I loved your post and agree 100% with your lessons and i could go on and on but In a nut shell thanK you for sharing something so personal and close To yOur heart. xoxo

Wow! This is so powerful and thank you for sharing such a personal story. I am so sorry for yours And aLex’s loss. I rememeber when you lost yOur dad, your strength was so admirable. I pray for you and alex and appreciate all that you do and share with this community

I lost my mom 2 months ago very unexpectedly. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Every day is a new struggle and a new challenge. But every day i do my damndest to push FORWARD and live for her. Even if some days I cant Help but cry The entire way thru. God bless you & your Family. xo

This is so bEautifully written, im sorry for Your losses and you hit the nail on its head. The waves that hit over and over and UNEXPECTEDLY of sadness and joy. I can Relate to this so much. Thank you for bAring your heart ❤️

Thank you for being honest and raw i needed this more than i even realized after multiple losses in the past few Years and its so Amazing to see everything put into words and hear another say that they know tHey’ll see their loved Ones again. its not easy but its so true. Thank you.

{This} i lost my dad, whIch sounded a lot like yourS, to cAncer almost 4 years ago. How you describeD your emotions is BASICALLY identical to me.
I was a daddys girl and a part of my heart is FOREVER gone but i am so THANKFUL i had all thise years with him and he gOt to see my 2 children. There ISN'T a day i don’t talk or thiNk about him.
Holidays are especially hard and I haven’t really enjoyed them since then.
All my love to you and youR family - always in my prayers. Thank you CourtneY xo

I simply want to say, thank you. This was beautifully raw and i truly felt it. I lost my dad 2 1/2 years ago, very unexpectedly. WE danced to “somewhere over the rainbow” at my wedding, so my siblings and i got that (in his handwriting) tattooed on our forearms. Through Every good day and bad, I look at that quote in my arm and knOw he Is with me.

Courtney,
Thank You for writing this, i lost my mom almost 3 years ago to cancer, and am going trouGh a rough Time right now, and i needed to read this. My little girl kinley was 3 years OlD when she passed, and every single day i talk about my mom to keep her memory alive for myself and for her. Thank you again, even in my darkest moments i know im not alone.. hugs❤️

I lost my hUsband of 33 years to cancer! I will pass this on to my daughter, i really think it will hElp. She Follows you and loves your stories. Thsnk God she had her dAughter she was our lifesaver. He was able to enjoy her sweetness fOr a short time. Life is never fair, mAke the best of it. Love you girl keep strong.

Wow. Honestly, i have never truLy experienced grief. This post still spoke to me on manY Levels and it Was beAutifully written. You have pushed through so much and i feel Encouraged and motivated After reading your words.

Thank you so much for your transparency. I know Writing tbis had to be painful, the beauty of your words and perseVerance you showed has truly touched my heart! Luckily I have’nt experienced the loss of someone close but it will happen. I LOVE FOLLOWING you, your stYle, Your authentic self, and other posts. Much love and prayers sent to you Courtney!!

Courtney,
Thank you so much for your post. I am now living the same nightmare. My dad Has stage for cancer and we have been told nothing else can be done to help him. Like Your mom, mine Is taking care of Him at home, some days i have no idea how she keeps going, but she does and never complains. Our family is very close and im not sure how we will get througH losing him. I know goD will wrap his arms Around Us, but how do you Cope with not seeing him, talking to him, just being a part of our life. i will read your post many times during this difficult time for help and Comfort. Thank you Again for sharing, i really needed to hear your words.❤️❤️❤️I will pray for you and Alex.. Losing someone special to your heart is very difficult.

HEy courtneY,
I have been following you for some time now and i just adore everyThing about you. You bring a little sunshine to every day. not to mention an excuse for a girl to Do some shopping. :)
today was different. TOday You shared this post. Today is the one year anniversary of me hopping on a plane to go and Watch my dad pass awaY. He passed Away 1/15/2019.
We have very similar stories. I am blessed with a very strong close family. I am extremely grateful every day for this. My parents knew Each other since They were kids and were Married for 30+ years. My brother and i are Closer than close. We have always been best friends. My dad ran a company and golfed all the time. He could light up a room. He was my person. I am so much like him it is scary. Out of nowhere I got a phone call like yours. Cancer. I fell to the ground. It wasn’t long before we had to say goodbye.
I just wanted you to know that everything you have written here, it really hit home for me. Lonely. The best way to describe it. That Is exactly how it feels. The loNeliness can be crippling. Even to this day.
I can’t explain how this was the perfect post at the perfect time. I have been dreading this week for so long. Your words are inspiring. Thank you for sharing. This Helps more than you know. Stay positive and keep being you because you are fabulOus at it.
There is a deep breathe and shore in my future.
Thank you again,
Xo Julz

This made me cry and it Felt so close to home for me. I lost my grandma last septembeR to cancer and its been so hard for me every since. Im Still wrapping my head around the thought of how someone can have Years, to months, to weeks, to just a few days to live within a doctors visit just a month ago. Im still hurt and GRIEVING. But i know everything will be easier. PrayIng for you and your familY. Thank you for sharing!!!!

I loSt my dad suddenLy 4 years ago to a massive heart attack. I was 9 mOnths pregnant and had a 1.5 year olD also. You hit so many relatable feelings and emotions. no one Understands the pain until they have gone thru it. I feel your pain. ❤️

I lost my Daddy almost 8 years ago and my Mama 16 months ago. I can so relate to all of this. Im still in the middle of the ocean trying to catch my breath, But i also find comfort in the fact that they’re with ouR Savior and i will see them again.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I lost my dad 5 years ago to cancer. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. But there was also something very beauTiful about all the changes that were born from it. For me, the sting of loss comes to make an appearance ever so often but you are right in saying that we just try to find a new normal. Thank you for putting into words what I Choke up to express. Very beautifully raw and PoIgnant. It’s my dad’s birthday today and your post could not have come at a better time. I’m so sorry for your loss. Love and prayers.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING. I LOST MY GRANDMA 20 YEARS AGO. OFTEN THINK ABOUT HER AND HOW MUCH SHE WOULD OF LOVED HER GRANDCHILDREN. YOU DEFINITELY Hit HOME WITH saying in TIME THINGS DO NOT GET EASIER BUT PIECES OF THE HEART ARE FILLED WITH MEMORIES THAT You SHARE WITH YOUR CHILD TO KEEP THEIR LOVE ALIVE SOME HOW AND SOME WAY, ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT PHYSICAL BUT MENTAL. Ty again. side Note: Keep your head high and kNow your dad would be proud and im sure he would no want you to be sad but keep his lOve alive as You are doing with your child by sharing happy memories 😍

Thank you!!! I lost my mom 11 years ago, my nanny 9 and my BROTHER in August. I have felt ashamed of the fact thAt i have lived in what seems like constant gRief for years.
You reminded me my grIef Is just that...mine! who cares if otHers understand it. You reminded me its ok to Ride the waves and of how strong i am.....so thank you!!

SiMply beautiful. I lost my dad a little over a year ago. I also had just become a new mom. My daUghter was just four months old. And to say it Didnt wreck me is an undErstatEment. Im still Trying to Navigate my new normal. The world dOsent Seem to shine as bright without him. Basically im still stuck in the ocean. So Thank you for sharing youR story. KnOwing you are not alone Is a wonderful feeling.

This is so perfectly written, thank you as always for being so real and sharing your story. We lost my grandpa 3 months ago and an uncle last week. Going to share this with my parents in hopes that it can help them just a little bit ❤️

This is orob one of the best things ive read about grief. This mOnth makrs for years since i lost my mom to cancer. I felt thst same gut wrenching feeling. It is the worse feeling in the world. After 6 mOnths of the worst treatment, she lost her battle here on earth. It is so hard to Keep going on after thAt. She was my best friend. I just wanted To thAnk you sharing this. I pray that you and Alex continue to heal. I hope someone else feels the love you shared.

THIS💜 these are the woRds ive never been able to find To explain my feelings. This Really hits home with me and is just beautiful. In the last two years ive lost my grandma(she was my best friend and it was unexpected), my husbands uncle that was truly the most welcoming and loving man, and then my best friend’s 8 year old daughter that i was so bLessed to have in my life. I still feel like im trying to make it to shore, but knowing that im getting closer is everything! 💕 thank you for sharing your story.

Reading this was as if you were with me on my jouRney as i sent my daddy off to heaven while i was three monthS Pregnant. I call my daughter my silver lining. Your words were so well thought out, honest and heartbreaking. From one daddies girl to another may god bless you today anD may you always see the sweet REMINDERS From heaven.
Its the worst club to be apart oF- but in our grieF i have gained mOre understanding of what it means to be kind not only to ourselves but to Others and to really “show up” when our loved ones need us the most ❤️

You are a beautiful soul. Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharinG with us. I lost my mom in May. I am just just trying to figure out this new norm. It sucks. I reaLly appreciate your honestly and so sorry for your losses. 🙏🏼💞

Courtney thank you fOr your heartfelt blog. I have lost both parents and it is definitely life changing. The thing that struck me the most about your article was how pure and strong the love was between yOu and your dad. It never waivered, judged or lessened. This Is the real gift and next life lesson to your story. You will now share this gift with all those in your life where trUe love really means everything!! Thank you for sharing your jouney and your gift.

Hey i understand both of your situations, i lost my brother to osteosarcoma, it was 8 years of hell for thIs 14 year Old boy and i still struggling 19 years later. I am not sad about his death but more about his torture That he went through which was supposed to be the beat time in your life. I had my first baby 2 years after his death, yeT this Little girl was in my life but i Was to scared to love her to much because All i Could think about was”i dont want to get to attached what if god takes her too.” 19 years later 3 kids and there isn’t a day i don’t See him in my kids, i do believe in angels and they are our protectors. But one thing i have learned which is sad that iT took my brothers life is that i am a human that understands everybody and accepts eveRything in the world and wHat ever makes you happy, do it, because we may not get thAt chance again!! Thank you for sharing your story and you are not alone.jennifer (houston tx)

This brought me to tears. So. Spot. On. I lost my momma 2 years ago. She was my person, my best friend. I read once that you can never stare at your loss directly because it's like trying to stare at the sun. Impossible. Thank you for sharing your story.

Im sPeechless ❤️ I lost my dad 23 years ago suddenly to a Massive heart attack ... there isnt a day that i dont think of him so hard to move forward with out your dad in your life.. but i must bc he wouldnt want me to wallow in sorrow

I knew from following you that something awful must have happened but like you i understood that it takes timE to open Up and let peopLe in to share your grief with us took such bravery and i wanted to say thank you. We truely are never alone in this world❤️

Courtney I am 57 I just lost my husband to cancer this past August, I have followed you for awhile you help keep me positive give me ideas to keep myself Young, I appreciate your content and now have a whole new respect for you I know you get grief yes it's hard Instagram helps me keep my mind going, I am so sorry for your loss I understand the brutal end cancer gives its horrible but because we love we go on and remember the good times. Thank you for your stories your post and being Genuine!!! May God bless you in your grieving process ((((HuGS))))
LINDA Pafford
Long time Follower,
Widow. Mom and grandma :)

We lost my husbands father and graNdfather on the same day and i was due to have our first baby anyTime. ThE grief was intense, but we made it through. THen 3 years ago, i lost a Very good friend, who was hit by a car on his bicycle. He was a very well respected school teacher. This was very harD, because it was So unexpected. He was about to be engaged. We had a group of friends that always hung out together and now we no longer do Because its too hard wIthout him. Grief has hit me hard and it haS taught me the same things that you have mentioned. I dont have time For people who dont Really care about me. I look at things differenlty and appreciate them more. Life is short, so make it count!
Thank you for sharing your story! ❤️

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this definitely personal story. You are amazing and this is going to be relatable to so many people, and some people do feel alone...i believe this will show them that they Aren’t. I can definitely relate and even though it has Been over 20 years since i lost my mom, the grief is still there. Love you, your realness, and you being vulnerable. Stay StronG. You got tHis!

Wow!!! just wow. SUch an amazing post, that anyone can rElate to even if you HAVEN'T lost abyone. Thank you for putting your heart out and showing your EmOtions. Stay Strong girl, you got this ❤️❤️❤️❤️

So amazing!! So sorry to hear about the loss of AlExs brother ♥️💔 i lost my dad in 2004 When i was 13. Much diFferent CircumstanCes but you nailed so muCh of what you said and i appreCiate you putting it all out there for us all to read. Grief is so hard to explain let alone go through so hearing other peoples stoRies is always nice

All i can say is WOW. This is exactly what i needed tk read. Its weird, i havent gone through this grief yef, but i mnow its coming and although i dont think you can ever be prepared, the OCD CONTROL FREAK IN ME HAS BEEN TRYING TO PREP MYSELF IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. This has Opened my eyes a ton anD i think knowing this is Out there will help me again in the future. Thank you fOr being so open and honest wIth your life abs for being reAl. Youre appreciated so much by so many.

Having lost a parent myself, i haD to comment and say WhAt a beautiful post, it made me cry, laugh and remember what a great parent i had. And Yes, we do learn those hard lessons that will make us better if we let them. Because we were raised by beautiful, amazing, strong and wonderful people. Loved this!

Beautiful. thank you for sharing.
I lost my older sister when i was 14 & damn are you right, it will change you. The loss taught me to count my blessings, appreciate who i still have & cherish all the memories.
I have a family memBer fighting cancer now too. She is doing well & we loving her as much as possible in the sHort time we have left with her.
Thank you for the loving & supportive words you shared.
Xoxo, Hannah

Thank you for sharing! I lost my first parent (stepdad) just before fathers day last year. He raised me for 40 yess we rs and i was the only one yhere hold his hand as he yook his last breath. Still does feel real somet. Somet i go a day and forget and other days it just rushes thr me like a wave. What really hurts is i have 3 more left, a mom, dad, and stepmom so i better learn ti stand on my own soon as i will be left with no one when they are Gone , exce for my husband. Trying to enjo what time they habe left! I appreciate you sharing your jour!

Wow that made me cry so sorry for your loss my best friend of 35 years died last August and it broke me more THEN I thought it was gping too thank you for sharing its so true grief changes you when she died I was for 3 days before she died and the day she passed away I left the move and she went to be with Jesus its so important to love deeply let the small stuff go learning that thanks again for SHARING your amazing

Wow. Wow. Wow. This post was so raw and real. I have never experienced loss like this but reading this i couldnt iMagine whAt you and your family wEnt through. Thanks for sharing Courtney, youre inspiring.

JAnuary 25 is the second year anniversary of my aunts passing. Her and my mom were super close therefore i was really close to her. This post has helped me tremendously because i’m honestly tireD of being apologetic for GRIEVING her loss. I feel like i cant really ever talk to my cousin about how i feel because in some way i feel selfish for Feeling pain because that is her mom. thank you for OPENING up to us.

I Truly think this was written for me to read tonighT. I have been struggling with the losS of my sister in a car crash 2 months ago & the stages of grief are excrucIating. The world keeps sPinning at aN alarming rate and I seem to be stuck. Reading your bLog post gives me hope & strength, KnowIng that this grief will eventually get better with time. Thank You for shariNg, you helped me tonight🙏🏻

ThAnk you for being brave Enough to share a piece of yourself with us. GEtting through our own fog, you helped us Realize that it’s okay to have a shit ton of emOtions and get riD of the negativity surrounding us without feeling guilty. Thank you <3

The tears are flowing ...I have lived this grieving thing for 2yrs plus. I lost my husband who I was with for 53yrs since I was 16...I have been in therapy for 2yrs before he died and 2yrs after...I understand and I cry for you and for my husband. Your writing is right on and all I can say is I am coming off of a very difficult holiday but know that this is the price you pay for deep love...thank you for exposing your heart...He was one very special Dad!

Wow, this is exactly what i needed to read. I lost my brother 6 months ago to Cancer. Reading about your dad really hit home to me, my brother sounds like he could have been a carbon copy of your dad and his cancer was also tough, fast and releNtless just like him as well. You really hit the nail on the head about grieF, feeling lonEly, how each Day can dIFfer. But You aRe so right about Going through such a huge loss really makes you fill your time with things that bring you joy. Love and prayers to you, alex and kinsley ❤️ May god continue to bless you guys

Thank you for thAt beautiful post and sharing. I totAlly agree that everyone grieVes differently. I too lost my father to cancer that spread everywhere in less than a year. After he passed my mother went to sleep 18 days after my father passing and did not wake up. My mother and father were married 56 years at my fathers passinG. I truely believe she died of a broken heart. She was healthy (as healthy as a 79 year old can be) but didn’t really have health issues. Only thing myself and my 4 siblings can come up with is her broken heart. He Use to tell her that he was suppose To care for her not the other way around. Therefore she’d tell him “well just take me with You then”. It was just 4 years when they passed aNd I miss them everydAy and so wish I could talk to them one more time. Thank you for sharing!!❤️

This is so ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY written COURTNEY!! I IDENTIFY so much with all of it, especially the ocean/boat vjsual of grief. So spot on. Thank you for sharing you heaRt, i love your perspective and I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and ALex’s brother❤️

My husband rubbed my neck as i cried reading this. I admire your strength. I’ve never lost someone so close to me... not yet.
It’s odd Feeling so close to someone i will never meet. You are so raw, real and Honestly just a good person. Thank you for Opening your heart. xoxo

“Do what you love with who you love. Life is too short to do anything but live and do it well. Do it for the people who aren’t here to do it with you.” i cant stop reading this over and over. Thank you.

Seven years ago i lost my moM: my cheerleader and my beSt friend. You so eloquently put inTo words the feelings SURROUNDING grief and loSs that I have so often struggleD to do. YoUr post Really touched me and thank you for your honesty and VULNERABILITY in doing so.

I lOst my mother to cancer 6 weeks ago. I could have substituted “Dad” for “Mom” and wRitten this post myself. When she first passed iT was a strange sense of relief. But as time is passing im finding mYself so lost. I seek hEr advice and go to call her constantly. And my heart Breaks each time. We were cLose. Close like your relationship and although this post brought me to tears, it also gave me hope i Can come out of this fog im in and Life will continue. So thank you for the hope.

Four years ago I losT both of my parents though they were in there 70s they still had a lot of life to live both had cancer. They lived apart for decades.they passed within 3 months of each other. I heaR you 🙏🏻❤️

Im almost OVERWHELMED with hOw many people That cOmmented can relate. Because as you said, Grief can feel *lonely*. I too lost my dad (Sep 2017) when my son was 6 mOnths old. And it certainly felt lonely and that no one could possIbly understand. When i would just break down in tears With friends and it felt like they Must think im crazy but they have no idea what a loss of a parent feels like. Its so surreal and even now sometimes feels like a dream. But thank you for Putting that grief into beautiful words. Words that are resonating and relatable. Obviously those words are a source of comforT to mannnnnny people here. And we all thank you for that. And sorry to you and alex for your losses.

I too, got swept in by your story. Losing those you love...so hard. The wonder of the times lost, but the hope of rejoining our loved ones again someday. Courtney the love for those you care for is obvious. Your dad had to be a special man. Thanks For sharing and just keep feeling...it makes you real. ♥️

Oh myyyy....how do i even begin to express in words what this means to me? Im coming up on the tWo year mark of losing my dad to a horrible cancer. It still feels like yesterdaY that i saw hin take his last brEath...What you wrote is honestly everything. You nailed it. You put into worDs what i feel in my soUl. Grief is such a lOnely thIng...because no-one knows exactly what you’re EXPERIENCING or how you’re feeling. But we can still help and support each other by showing up. Thank yOu for going deep anD getting Personal. (P.s. im so very sorry for your losses. Both sound like incredible men. Lucky you to have had them in your life...lucky them to Have Had you!! Xo)

This was BEAUTIFULLY written! Thank you for you PERSPECTIVE. I lost my mom suddenly, who was my best friends too, at the age of 20. Its been 3 years and still shakes me to my core everyday all day. I love your lesson in grief is Different for Everyone and most of all just be there. Its so true, we just neEd someone to be there.

So well written! I lost my daughter 22 years ago tomorrow and my mom 9 years ago and it isn’t linear at all and when my mom passed in a sense i was relieved my daughter was with her grandma. I love seeing signs from them -makes me smile most days. Cancer took my mom and i know the feeling of a mack truck mowing you down where you stand. Then you get up and pull it TOGETHER For them. Lots of love to you and your famIly. Loss is hard.

This is a beautiful post. Thank you fOr being so vulnerable. It’s trUly touching and resonates witH me in so mAny ways. I lost my Dad many years ago, my sister 5 years ago and my mom 2 years ago..all to cancer. I miss them more than Words can express and so wish my boys could have met Him or Really hAve gotten to known My sister and mom. I wish my Husband could have met my AMAZING father. I know that their qualities livE on in me and my other SIBLINGS. I try to Remember how lucky i am to have Had theM as my parents and sister. And, like you...i trust they are Happy and without pain..and that i will see them again one day. Thank you again fOr this post!

Spot on...i lost my mom 23 years ago to breast cancer. I was 28 with 3 kIds and i miss her daily. I have been blessed with 5 beautiful grandchildren and every time i hold them for the first time i look them in the eye And tell them Their Granny would have loved meeting them. I too know my mom is in heaven and one day i will see her again! Grief In some form will always be a part of my heArt but it has changed and evolveD through the years. ThAnk you for sharing. God bless you CourtneY

You did such a beautiful job of writing on such a difficult subject, Court. I have so many wonderful memories of fun times with your Dad and Mom. He truly was/is one of a kind!!! I, too, miss his sense Of humor and those BEAUTIFUL, twinkly eyes of his...but they will be in my memory, always.

Thank u for yR words of grief...i hv lost two sisters and this last sept my closest person in my life,my mom...she was all i had left of my family...now all alone i Totally can reLaTe to everything u wtote...the hoLidays were horrible this yr...ive cried everyday since thanKsgiving...i stop to go to work to teach 5th graders then come home to a golden retriever who has helped me so much. Thank you fOr yr Post...its nice to know im not alone...xxoo

CourtneY to say you touched my heart is an understate! I lost my sweet Dad 4 years agO and not a day goes by without a sad but sweet memory of what a blessing he was to all who knew him. Two weeks after his death I went to see my Mom and when I drOve up the driveway the garbage men were getting The garbage. One of the men came over and began telling me how much my Dad’s kindness meant to him and his family. He went On to explain that everY Thanksgiving, Christmas and EasTer my dad gave them a tUrkey. I was amazed because this was another example Of how my Dad Shared his blEssings with oThers. He never told me or my BROTHER or sisters but he truly spent his life loving and giving. Sounds like our Dad’s were cut from the same cLoth so to speak. May your oh so special memories ease your pain and remind you that he’s always close by your side! One thing I know for sure, you have made him “so Proud”😘

Thank you for this, raw, honest yet BEAUTIFUL post. Grief is a complicated tHing to go though. I have personally Had a lot of loss Within the last 5 years. This really enCouraged me knowing we All process grieF DIFFERENTLY. <3

thank you Courtney for sharing SOMETHING so deep and peRsonal. Last june my lost her mom who was the only parent she grew up With, her dad pass away when she was three. It was hard for me to know that I had lost my grandma, but couldn’t imagine what my mom was going through. ❤️🙏🏽

Thank you for this! First, im incredibly sad that youv’e had to go through this. secondly, this is spot on. Grieving is so different fpr everyone. My dad passed almost two years ago..some days i feel like im drowning with saDness and other days im So happy thinking about the memories ive made witn him.
Thank you so much for this ❤️

Thank you, CoUrtneY, for putting into words the things i am feeling but not able to properly expRess. I have lost both of my Parents within four years and my heart feels like it has an empty Hole insidE. My husband, daughters and Special friends have bEen very supportive, which i’m grateful for. there are times where i just Break doWn.. in a split second.. that overwhelminG feeling of loneliness and loNging that hits when you don’t expect it. My parents were the best people i knew and were my rocK, and i will be forever blessed to be their daughter. Thank you for making me feel less alone and To know i’m “normal” in feeling this way. I am truly sorry for the loss of your beloved dad and brOther-in-law. I, too, believe we will see our loved ones again. Hold on to Those special times and memories...their spirits live on in us and our children.. always. God bless.

THANK YOU so much for sharing your storY! Im SO deeply sorry for your losses! I can only imagine how much your dad loved you and how proud he must have been of you. I have also experienced deep loss and i will tell you this post is going to help and inspire many people who are suffering from grief and give them hope. What a gift you are giving. My dad was my absolute best friend my entire life.
3 years ago i left my life to be His primary caregiver along with my mom. He died in my arms At home Christmas morning a year ago. I have been struggling terribly but your amazing story haS given me hope. Sending you my prayers and tons of love. 💜

Courtney, this is such a beautifully written post. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share with us. My heart goes out to you and Your family. Its Inter that you mentioned you wrote this post for others navigating grief, and for those that will soMeday. Thankfully im a part of the latter, but i know it won’t always be that way. I am ComfoRted to know this post is here should i ever need to refer back to it. ❤️ To you and your family, And may your dad and brother in law rest in peace.

Wow. You nailed it. In 2 months Chondrosarcoma stole my father from me on 8.6.18 and I've never been the same.i had a one year old daughter. It never gets easier but you learn to cope in a more manageable way. Sending you love. #cluboflostdaughters

Cried the whole way through this courtney. THANK YOU for Sharing this with us. Ill hug my parents and loved ones tighter Tomorrow. Sending love to you and alEx today and always. Thank you again for sharing your light. -Aurora

You have NO idea how badly I needed the ocean metaphor right now. I struggle with anxiety every day and its very challenging to express h ou w it feels to friends and family, so I often feel misunderstood and alone. Thank you for being here with me, not alone😚

Dear Courtney, This was lovely and very meanIngful to me and so many others on this train called grief.
I lost my soul mate of 43 years on a beautiful day in Italy five years ago. One moment we were laughing and the next moment he was gone. Im still grieving and probably always will. I am so grateful he had five years with our grandson and three with our granddaughter. He lovef them so much and took an esrly RETIREMENT when Dylan was born.He loved every moment of his time with them. We keep pop pop alive with stories and remembrances.
Thank you for writing this post. I love your sweet spirit and follow you faithfully everyday. There may be many years between our ages but its never too late to learn from the younger generation. May God continue to bless you and your family. God bless and much love...
Judy Anderson

Thank you for sharing this. This brought tears to my eyes and Really makes you put things into perspective. I am sure that little girl of yours has helped in so many ways, more then she will ever know!

Thank you for writing this post and shAring your grief. My dad passed suddenly june 2 2019 and im still trying to process it. But you are so right it truly opens your eyes to what is really important in life. And one Day we will see our loved ones again.
I am so sorry for your losses! ❤️❤️

I just lost my grandDad a few days ago so this helps me a lot. I have a 2.5 year old son who helps keEp me going just like kinsley was/is for you. Thank you for being so open and sharing your Story with us all.

BEAUTIFULLY written. And so true. I loSt my mom 12 years ago when my older giRls were 1 and 2. They’ll never knOw how much they helped me find my joy again. We talk about grandma often with all 3 of my girls so they will know how wonderful she was. And eveRy year on her birthday we get a lIttle cake to sIng and celebrate her life and the beautiful life she gave me and in turn gave my girls.

Courtney - first, I am so sorry for the loss of your father and your brother in law. That is a tremendous amount of pain to carry.
this Post is so beautiful and So spot on for me. I lost my mom suddenly 5 years ago and i still have all of the feelings that you speak of. I have three kids and they are absolutely a huge part of what kept me going. The thought of the lessons that I could teach them about grief and love was important to me.
I love your advice about how to help a friend that is grieving. It's so true - just be there. We feel it. And we know who was there for us during this difficult time. Writer Glennon Doyle (whom I absolutely love and highly recommend if you don't already know her) says that we shouldn't ever try to take someone's grief away or try super hard to make it "better" for them because our grief is proof that we Have loved. That is so beautiful to me. I am the first one of my friends to lose a parent. Sometimes that feels extremely lonely. Like you said - not a club you want to be in. But i do know that i will have a special understanding when the time comes that I need to be the support system for someone else. (silver lining?) ;)
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. Its crazy because i have been wanting to do the same and have put it off. You've inspired me just to get some words down.
I definitely know our parents are with us. But also please know that I have a special place in my heart for you and for your loss. I will save a space and hold it for you in hopes that it will ease those moments when the pain hits you out of the blue and brings you back to day 1.
Thank you again for sharing! xoxo

Thank you for sharing and opening up about this. I loSt my dad to cancer on 01/23/2018. His anniversary is coming up and i can feel the grief all over again. Your message came at the perfect time and I want to thank you again for being so brave and open with us all. Grief really is a rollercoaSter but it’s comforting to know that I’M not alone in this ride. We just have to take it one day at a time.

I love this post and can sadly relate. I lost my dad last month (stroke almost 8 years ago which slowly took him down). I’m the youNgest of 7 and my parnts were married for 62 years....its heartbreaking. I have to aGree that something Like this can change You- i have been “mourNIng” the loss of my Dad since his stroke and watched such a slow decline to the day i watched him take his last breath. I think you just made me realize that i came out on the other side dIfferEnt...i’m stronger than i Was and i’ve done Things i wouldn’t have before. I’m the most emotional one of my siblings but when No one else would do the eulogy, i stepped up (although i hesitated at first)- everyone wasn’t sure i could get through it, but i did- and i have had So many people comment on My composure and StrengTh. I know he would be proud and The words of the eulogy RESONATE and provide comfort oN the days that are tough. Life is such a journey- 💕

OMG.....everything you wrote was what I was feeling after the loss of my dad my husband and my mom. My dad and husband within a week of each other. Then my mom 3months later.
All that you explained and experience was the same for me too.
Thank you so much!

Thank you for sharing your heart and soul. This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for your courage. You are a light in this world leading by example and showing others how to find their inner light and then shine it OITWARD too. Immsure your dad is watching and smiling down on you and is so proud at how you are using your life and your challenges and your gift with words to be a force for good in the world. Much love to you and your family. And from the bottome of my heart, thank you again for sharing so openly and authentically.

Wow. thanks for sharing and being so honest and raw. You alWAys seem so upbeat on your posts, i had no idea the pain and grief you were going Through. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, we lost my father in law to cancer. Then when my sIster was pregnant we lost my grandma. As sad as it is, it seems to be a pattern and circle of life. God may take a loved one, but he also gives us new life!💕

I admire you courage and honesty and most of all your positivity through darkness. You are one strong cookie and i am positive you are making your dad and brother in law very very Proud! I am sure you have your days but the way you get through them is what is making you stronger! Thank you for SHARING Your atory. I am sure it WASN'T Easy!

I just list ny dad laSt Month. He was 86. Im 61. You Would think at Age id be better equipped to deal with losing a parent, but it is Not. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey as it hAs helped me make another baby step in dealing with this grief...

Thank you. I just lost my dad this past Oct. He was taken from me and was on life Support. I had to make a choice for him. Im still STRUGGLE with his loss. But i know god is in control and my dad is truly at peace.

I lost my mom 9 years ago this April 19th To aLzeimers. She was 84 but we started LOOSING her around 80! She was so much fun i am grateful i Had her for my mom I loved her so much. Fast forward 5 years i started taking care of my dad i loved each day i was with him. My dad and i had a bond! He passed away May 22, 2018 right in frOnt of me. It was a grey cold day! I honestly did not take my dads death very well and he was 90 but if He lived to be a 100 it was not Long enough for me! I am older 55! I loved your writing. We do all grief In a different way. I am married to a wonderful guy and have 2 adult children. For some reason i am a diffeRent person now. Part of me died with my dad! I feel anxious all the time and i do nOt feel like that happy lady i was before! I do hope i come back but i do nOt think so my dad was so important to me!
Thank you for sharing!

Courtney... I just have to say thank you so, so much for sharing this. I lost my dad and best friend to cancer a little over four years ago and can totally relate to feeling like i threw my heart in a blender. He, too, was a self proclaimed renaissance man and we all thought actually looked like the Dos Equis guy. I'd like to think that because of your post they're setting out to meet each other up in heaven to go grab a beer. We have so many shared perspectives on grief and creating a new normal, and it's so refreshing and nice to hear someone spell it out so perfectly. Thank you for making my day, and sending all my love to you, your husband, and baby girl during this tough time. xoxO

awesome post, thank you for sharing! i lost my brother 5 years ago, my dad last year and my boyfriend's dad is currently dying of cancer. i saw a humans of new york post that really resonated with me and my grief.
“When a wave comes, go deep. There’s three things you can do when life sends a wave at you. You can run from it, but then it’s going to catch up and knock you down. You can also fall back on your ego and try to stand your ground, but then it’s still going to clobber you. Or you can use it as an opportunity to go deep, and transform yourself to match the circumstances. And that’s how you get through the wave.”

Your post was beautiful. I had a good cry that I had been bottling up. My Mom and Dad both passed away five months ago within two weeks of each other. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions. Grief is so unpredictable and can be triggered by just seeing something that reminds us of our loved ones. Those are the sweet memories we carry in our hearts forever. I’m still in the navigation stage but I know the shore is getting closer. Thank you for the analogy. It’s hard to process a life without them in it, but my only comfort is that they are together in Heaven and forever in my heart. They are true soulmates. Thank you for opening up and letting us go on this journey together.

This is beautiful. I love the rawness and vulnerability. I lost my older sister almost 2 years ago now, and youR description of grief is so accurate, and like you said, people grieve differently. Thank you for being so open and honest about personal parts of your life!

This is so beautiful. I have experienced someone close to be going through greif and i am the person that is there to comfort. It is hard to be on this side of the fence too as you fear when you have to experience this pain in the future. Very meaningful post. love ya girl.

Beautifully and lovingly written! I've had a lot of losses in my life but so far, the most profound has been the loss of my almost 16year old granddaughter in 2013. Sadly, it fractured our family rather than drawing everyone closer. You have written what I have, and Continue to live. Thank you for sharing your heart and I hope each day is better. Grief is indeed a unique and different path for each person.
May God bless you and yours and shower you with strength, peace and so much love!

Thank you so much for sharing your heart & your expErience! So very sorry for the loss of your Dad & your brother-in-law! So very sad! I lost my Mom almost A year ago. She Was my best friend! I miss her everyday all day long! Grief is defInitely SOMETHING That is personaL! Nobody can prepare you for it. It is a journey of your own. I appreciate it so mUch for what You shared. You dEfinitEly hit The nail on the head! I had to join a grief share group because i wasn’t functioning so well. It DEFINITELY helped to see that I wasn’t alone in my grief & that other people were also sufferinG with their own loss! Lonely is the best word to describe grief. I did feel so alone until i joined the grief group. It helped me put my grief & my life in PERSPECTIVE by sharing what i was going through & seeing what othErs were going through. Grief totally does put life in Perspective! Life is so short! Thank you again for being sO vulnerable & sharing your story! You aRe not alone! Love & prayers for you & alex!!

Love your point about PERSPECTIVE. I lost my best friend a couple of Years ago to a brain aneurism just days before my daughter was born. It Was/is GUt wrenching, and has completely changed the way i think about EVERYTHING in life.

Thank you! I needed this today. Lost my daddy a couple months ago. It is so hard and i miss him every minute of everyday. Thank you for reminding me to keep going, for me, my family and because my daddy would want me too❤️

I lost my dad when i was 16 and now having the experience and perspective of my own Journey wIth grief, i dont think ive ever heard a more accurate and beautiful description of what its like. Thank you for being so open and sharing your heart! Just knowing someone out there is going thRough the same thing helps you feel not so alone.

Thank you. I lost my Boyfriend of 10+ years SUDDENLY this past July. He was only 46. He had a HEART ATTACK in our bedroom. When I found hiM, he was gone. The way you describe grief is spot on. Reading this felt like listeNing to a friend that truly gets it. Not sure if that makes sense. You, Alex, Kins, Your Mom and Both your families will forever be in my “positive Vibes” thoughts. This is a club no one ever wants tO be in. Thank You again for this. It somehow makes the ROLLERCOASTER of emotions less scary.
Much Respect -
Heather

My friend shared your post woth me. She said it made her think of me. I have to say this was all so spot on to what i was feeling in the months and now years aFter losing my dad. Its been three years and sometimes i feel it hurts more as the days go by. But i continue to get up and grind because i know uts what he woukd have wanted me to do. And in 4 short months ill be an rn something he always pushed me to do 💗👍🏿

My Grandma passed on Feb 4, 2019.
My Grandma was my safe place, she understood me more than anyone in my family.
I wasn’t allowed to cry. We grew up in a show no emotion family. A lot has happened since her death. She was 98 1/2 and a lot Of people say how Blessed i am to have her thAt long. I was but that means i loved her deeper.
When my Grandma passed, EVERYTHING changed. My aunt decidEd we would No longer get together and we wEre not good enough for her. My cousin barely talks Or gets together with me.
I feel like i’m lost, my one safe place is gone.
My husband is amaZing and is my safe plAce.
I don’t have the Best Relationship with my parent’s or my in laws. So i understand what you are saying.
Right now it’s dusting myself off and putting one foot in Front of the other

Thank you for sharing... it is so true that everyone handles grief differently and shouldn’t be judged with how they handle it. I lost one of my longest friends In july. We had been friends since we were 14 (i am now 38) 9 months before that her husband passed. I know my friend StRuggleD but in all honesty i didn’t know how to be there for her because i never wanted to iMpose or make her feel like she diD not have things under contRol. Not a day goes by whEre i Don’t regret not being there more for her. But i also liSten to your words and i know that should i come to loss again or should someone close to me comes to loss again i will know that as long as i am there or as long as i do whats in my heaRt... it will be ok.

Wow, that was incredible. Thank you. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your grief and life with all of Us.
I am truly sorry for the loss of your dad and tour brother in law. I lost my mom to cancer 27 years ago, she was young, only 48, but not a day goes by that I dont think of her or ask her for her help and support. Its never easy, it still hurts to this day, but i try to be thE best mom that i can, just like she was, to hOnor her in every way that i can!
Much love to you and your family ❤️

This is spot on. I lost my sister 16 years ago, and my husband 10 years ago at the age of 31. I never in a million years ThoUght i wo be a wiDow at 31, but it happened. You are right, after the fog lifts, itvis a choice each day to be happy.

Hey Courtney. So well written. I lost my daughter 2016 and it's still hard for me today. You're so true when you said kins is your best medicine to a broken heart. My kids were MY medicine to a broken heart and still are. They are what keeps me happy and going. Thank you for writing

Thank you so Much for writing this. Ive been following you for a bit on instagram and knew there was sOmething about you... hate to see another person in this club but also it made me hopeful... im a little over 3 years since my dad passed suddenLy - and i havent been the same sincE - but not in a bad way.

This was an incredible read for me. I lost my dad 8 years ago when i was in my mid 20’s ans he was my person. I also have an amazing Family but eveRything you have said here is t r u t h. This is perfection when it comes to loss and grief. Thank you for this. Thank you. I will def be sharing.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am a new follower of yours. what you shared has helped me, reassured me and is just what I needed today. I lost my parents (married 50yrs) 9 days apart. it absolutely devastated me. I went through the fog and found the blessings, I miss them everyday. I know it can be tough to talk about but if you can help just one person it is totally worth it. Stay strong my friend

Wow wow wow! Thank you courtney! Thank you becauSe even though i havent been through it, its something that everyone should Read. Its complete. Amazing story with a lot of Learning. So sorry for you lost and for alex's. Im 100% sure they are taking care of your family from heaven!

Court,
It Is so generous and selfless of you to share this message with the world( and i know how Many FOLLOWERS you have so i do mean the world)
I love your grIef comparison to a storm in the ocean. I too and coMing close to dealing with a tremendous loss and reading this gives me hope that i will make it through my own storm. I loved you for your fashion and makeup insPo but i might just love you more now for your wisdom. Peace and love

I m so sorry for Your losses. It is never easy. I have to tell You i lost my dad over 20 years ago. He was ny person too. This had be crying Thinking of him and missing his all the time to this day. You are right it DOESN'T go away we just learn to deal with it in our own ways.
Thank you for sharing and prayers for you and your family

Thank you for this. I am Almost 8 months out frOm loosing my dad to LEUKEMIA. He always told people “theres not two people closer than anna anD i” he had Retired 3 months before the DIAGNOSIS, he and mY mom were supposed to be TRAVELING the world. I keep going because i have to, he would want me to, and most of all my mom needs me to. Its a club that no one wants to join but those of us who have get it....Thank you for putting this into words we can all relate to. ❤️

Your story is so powerful. I was in tears reading this.
I experienced grief when i was younger, so I don't remember much. Then, I lost a friend unexpectedly to an overdose in 2017. It was the most gut wrenching experience of my life. I related to this post so much, like so many, and I'm glad you talked about this! Thanks for sharing.
Dana | The Champagne Edit

Wow . Ive been following you since before kins was born.
Wow . This was beautifully wrItten and so emotional .
Ive lost my dad to cancer as well . It truly sucks . YoU are an amazing person .
God bless you ❤️

Thank you for sharing! Beautifully written!! I know grief all too well. I suddenly lost my brother 16 years ago, and he would acTually be 32 noW. He is so very missed and i talk about him all the time with my kids!

This was beautifully wrItten. I lost my mom to cancer When my kids were 2 and and 1 Year old. They definitely helped me get thRough the grief but i still have my moments and it will be 11 years this august. It Still feels like yesterday. The loss i feel is so great and there Were and are times i have to push myself to get through the day. I just know my mom wOuld want me to live my life so thats What i do. Until we meet again one day. They are always with us ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing

WoW!!!! YOU are absolutely an amazing Huhuman. You summed that up iN such an amazing way. I cried and laughed and began to realize that thie is exactly how I felt when my mother passed away. I was 18 years old got a call late at night that my mother had been hit by a drunk driver and killed. wow what a rush of horrible emotions and in that particular Mom I need to wake up and realize that I had decisions to make some of which were very poor decisions but now that I am almost 50 years old I have three amazing children and I do still register the fact that my mother is above in heaven looking down on me. You are a beautiful human and I can’t thank you enough for WRITING This. SoSometimes we look at other people on social media and we see all their beauties and their material objects but don’t realize that thEy are human And have struggled in some form or fashion. Thank you again for being a beautiful soul.

This was so beautifully written & something I needed to read. For 6 solid years, I lost someone very close each year. But in 2016 I lost my cousin who one of my absolute best friends, at the age of 23. That one hit different due to how close we were and how young he was. I still struggle daily with his lose. I have good days and I have bad days. The way you worded this blog was absolutely amazing... and real. Thank you so much for sharing.

Very well written... i lost ny younger brother, husband and Uncle within 5 months!& my father before getting married... it SUCKS, but i know they want us to be strong and live on to be the best we can be...so I plug along each day...one foot at a time... Bless you on your journey of healing... it takes alit of strength❤️

You are wise beyond your years. In 2018 i lost my father in law , brother n law and younger BROTHER all to cancer . I was rocked beyond Belief. I am CHANGEd forever , but it has tauGht me that we are promi nothing in life and i appreciate everyday and every moment i spend with my loved ones ! I think your analogy about swimming through the ocEan is spot on . God bless you and your family ! Your WRITING is poweRful , honest and truly phenomenal!

Thank you for sharing. I lost my father this past may to cancer, the same week i found out my mother has triple negative breast cancer (an aggrEssive, HiGh risk of relapse type). I didnt even have time to grieve since i had to be strong for my mom, for my siblings.
I got married the NYE prior to my fathers death. The year started off so joyous and the rest has been filled with sorrow, fear, stress, and exhaustion. When 2020 came i needed a new outlook, needed a new Way to view myself, my life. Otherwise id continue to get swallowed up in the sadness. My marriage was suffering. I dont know if i grieved yet. Maybe im scared to, but Reading your post brought comfort. Opens my eyes that its going to be ok. ❤️

Thank you for this... crying as i read, as the year mark is coming up, from when my 33 year old brOther overdosed. He left behind 3 sons, his Wife, and my huge family. Im the oldest of 12, and he was the first born boy. Your post was wOnderful... thank you.

Wow. Well said. Thank you for this. I know i am going to lose my dad this year. Hes very sick. I feel like ive been grieving for the last 2 yrs. waiting for the call to tell me hes gone. but nothing prepares me still. He is my world. And i will be lost without him. Thank you for writing this. Its like you knew how i feel already! Thank you and Sorry for your loss❤️

ThaNk you for this post!! I losy my dad in November! He was my pErson! Two Weeks later lost my graNdma who was also my person! My baby was 4 mOnths old At the tIme and she has been my saving gRace! Thank you for this pOst!

I lost my brother 13 years ago, and so much of this resonated wIth me, but the part about watching your mom go thRough it, and knowing you Can’t rely on them in that time...man that is so true. EVery member of your family deals with it Separately, and that was a first for my family, and loNely is exactly rIght. I was 16 and forced to grow up, and Felt lonely a lot of the time dealing wIth the grief. I still feel that way On the anniversary of my brothers death, and your advice to people trying to help you through it is also well Described. I always tell my husband, just be there by my side the whole day. I love so much about this and appreciate you putting it into worDs. Praying for your strength and your family ❤️

I lost my father last April. Reading this was hard! But, i needed it. Grief is so hard. Im so up and down all the time. I have 2 boys who keep me busy but-i get inside my head a lot. YoUr blog is amazing and real. Everything you wrote- i am currently living. Thank you.

First off let me wipe my trars oh my gosh!! I feel As though I get what i need without even knowing i need it and boy did i need this today! I loSt my mom to cancer after a long hard battle just short of 6 months ago. I honestly feel like this story took the words rIght out of my mouth. I could not agree more with the lessons YOU'VE talked about and will definitely be sharing tHis article with friends. Its also as though you have summarized everything i have been through, been thinking about, and talking about. I have a sense of peace when i talk about my mom or tell stories and i cant wait to share that with my future children. Its as though those memories can never be taken from us and they are so near and dear to our heartS. We shortly lost another family Friends grandmother and then a greaT grandmother. 2019 was very grief STRICKEN and ive been lost. Its hard to relate to others who HAVEN'T been what YOU'VE been through. You are So strong thank you for sharing! I will be praying for you and your family. This article has impacted me so much and probably along with hundreds and THOUSANDS of others. Thank you, i cannot state that enough.

I could Relate to so much of what you wrote. I found out who my true frienDs aNd the truth about so close family members. Losing a parent is extremely hard and my mother and i were not as close as i am with mY father. I did have the chanCe to sell everything and live with my parents for the Sole purpose of taking care of my mother whole she was dying. I was lucky To have 11 months With her becAuse It brought Us closer. Losing my my mom changed me in a way that is so hard to eXplain, still to this day i miss Her, but am glad that I have the memories from the last year of her life. ThaNk you for opening up about your story

Wow, this is so beautifully put - in a way i would have never been able to - and so perfectly timed for me, after losing my grandmother unexpectedly at the beginning of the week. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably in order to help others, and thank you for the MOTIVATIONAL reminder tO keep going despite the many layers of pain that come with loss. You are truly an angel.

Thank you so so much for sharing. I aPpreciate your hOnesty aBout grief and im so sorry tO hear about alex’s brother. Losing a loved one is always so hard but i thinK this post can help a lot of people, even if they aren’t experiencing it first hand 💕

Wow... thank you. I lost my best friend 10/2017. I just Had my bday on 1/16. I was sad for some reason. Just didn’t know what it was. Then It hit me... my bff Aryka. I miss her telling me “happy birthday” it’s little things like that I’m still in shocked she is gone.
Sidenote- i got a remembrance tattoo of Elvis because she was obsessed with him.
Thank you for sharing this personal post. I felt every emotional while reading this.

Hi Courtney,
That letter about your grief was beautifully written. I lost my Mom a number of years ago and she was so talented and fun, smart. I was very close to her and still miss her when i go to the MFA and Isabella SteWArt Museum, Copley Place, Theatre, Symphony, Flower Show, trips to special Exhibits in NYC, etc etc. just to talk to . My Friend’s loved her. So many interests and so smart !

Thank you for this beautiful uplifting Tribute to your father. I lost my dad over 20 years ago but just lost my Mom two years ago this coming February. I’M so thankful that somebody with as many followers as you have puts it out therE and knows there is life after this, and isn’t mad or blames at God. God blessed me and gave me the gift of my parents. How wonderful his love iS. 20 years later i still want to call Dad and tell him about my Day. I aM blessed to have Had my mom another 20 years and to be able to have careD for hEr as she neeDed it. My children had the blessing of the extra wisdom she gave. The picture you painted With the swimming anD the sand is absolutely perfect. That sand is always there. And to be honest I don’t think I want to ever be without it. it’s a reminder of the parents i have, not had, but will always have. I was so lucky to have my parents and wouldn’t change that for the world. I am 63 years old and have children that range from 42 to 35 so I look at this from both sides now. Had a recent health scare and want to be that parent/grandparent that they loOk back On with the same feelings we have for our parents. GrIef ISN'T something you grt over, you just learn how to live and grow. Thank you agAin for putting this out there.

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to Read about Alex and your loss. Losing a sibling is unexplainable. I have experienced too much loss for one person in my short time On earth. Some ACQUAINTANCES and Some family. None of it made any sense and there were times i wondered how i would breathe every moment. What i wIll say is that i would agreE with you, easier ISN'T how i’d describE it, but my new normal. I think about them eVery day and try to find the joy and all the great memories sO i can share - or not. Sometimes keeping it held tight is even better.
I love the new you - as hard as it came - it shows your strengTh and kindness. ❤️

I am sooo Very Sorry for your loss😪💔😪. I too am going thru the loss of my Mom and my Best Friend on Jan 1, 2018. Everything you said is so true and i can relate. I lost my Daddy 25 years ago and i became even MORe close to my Mom if that is possible. We were insep and the three of us, my daughter, only granddaughter and my mom was her godmother had a very special bond💖💖💖. I am still sTruggliNg. My Mom got Pneumonia and on dec 24 2017 she just kept squezzing my hand and I know she was telling me she is goiNg to fight but it was winning. She went on a respirator and never tAlked, smiled or held my hand again. I held hers and talked to her and i pray that she knew i was there with her. My daughter’s birthday is Dec 31, and she passed two and a half hoUrs after my daughter’s day. She knew it was and didnt choose to die on her day. We talk aBout my Mom, pictures all over, and i have too received signs from her. Our family is very close also. I only have one brOther, three children and myex husband left me and my kids over 20 years ago, so i becAme my kids mom and dad too. My Mom helped and so did my brother. We still remain close and ProbaBly even clOser. Ipray for you and your Mom. Keep that Relationship and treasure. Life is short. I thank God for my parents and brOther and my precious children and grands. I am trying to be strong but doesnt always work. This started during the holiday season and i am reminded again and i know will Never forget. I am blessed because my daughter and i were with my Mom before she went on a respirator and i was the one that she held my hand and kept squeezing.... i always said if you cant talk, squeeze my hand to tell me You lOve me and she remeMbered and did just that.... i will never forget or loose that last squeeze. Love you, sweetie😪💔😪🥰🥰

Thank you for sharinG your story. It was beautiful and i cried through the entire thing Because i can truly relate with EVERYTHING you said. I lost my boyfriend 8 years ago and even though i’m thriving in my life just like you said. I still experience good and bad days. Grief never goes away, we just learn how to live with it. TherE’s nOt one day that passes that I don’t miss him but i know he’s always with me and that he would be so proud of me. Thank you for sharing your personal jouRney with me and the rest of your followers. It’s not easy sharing experiences like these but You’re rIght,the best way to get through the hard timeS Is to cry, talk, Laugh, Write about it, and do what you can to honor your loved ones in heaven. Love and prayers to you and your family. ♥️

This was an INCREDIBLE read. You said so many things that i have never been able to form Into wOrds. I lost my mom 2 years ago and This definitely sums uP how i felt and still feel. Thank you for writing this.

This is beautiful. I am in the big waves right now. Shore feels far away. My Dad passed away Nov 6. It was hard, but exactly one week later Nov 13. My mom passed of a heart attack. Very unexpected. Thank you for sharing. It is so hard to move on each day but or God is Great!!! And I will get closer to the shore in time.
Thank you
April

I love this. I lost my mom last year. I have so many ups and so so mant downs as well as the IN-BETWEENS. Ive never been a Super emotional person. Now, when i hear a song she loved i will break down while singing it out loud. Its hard to lose somebody who has had such an impact on your life, somebody who made you into The person you are today. You’ll Never fully Get over the loss, but life will go on. We are all here on loan as my grandma says. And its so true. God Has a plan for all of us. You’re so right about leaving the negative people out of your life. Since my mom passed away, i’ve noticed Some of my close friends beingo so negative all the time. Positivity is a choice. And i choOse it. IT’s the only way to move Forward. Thank you for this, it was beautifully written.

So good and encouraging!
I lost my dad when i was 16 and i grieved differently then everyone else.
Now when i look at my son, i remember my dad and just wish he could see his GRAND-BABY
I just miss him so much and Wish he was around,
I love the just be there, thats all i wanted people to do! I hate being ask do you mIss him, like what the hell kind of question is that??!
This is a great great post and i just love How real you are!
Thank you !!.

I lost my mOm this last august. We found out july 5 that she Had stage 4 bladder cancer. 6 weeks was all she had leFt and we had no idea. She never came Home, never saw the sun. My beautiful sun goddess was so sick and dying right before my eyes. Deep down I knew this was it but I was in such denial. I went to see her before and after work but owning my own Business i Couldnt Stay with her all day. I know she forgives me for it but Of course i wish i had more tIme.
The words you wRote are so tRue.
I just kept going. Planned wake funeral went to work the next day. But now 6 months later alllll the feels are tHere. I know I will be okay. I know she is with me.
They saY amaZing tHings will happen to us beCaUse we have the mOst inCredible angels.
Thank you for posting this. Thank you for being real and sharing what we all needed

Courtney So sorry for your great loss. So sorry fOr the Loss of alex brother prayers you get throgh it togeter. I can relate with you so mucH i lost my dad / my supperman he was the strongest man i knew i was dads little girl. Hes been gone since 2001. It seems like yesterday some days. I also lost my fiancé in 98 he was 27 i was 30 this was a tragedy unexpected so that almost killed me. I turned to God he WaLked me throgh valley of death in greif i mean he was wiTh me i could Feel him Thank you for sharing your story. Have a blessd Weekend. @Leelee8310

WOW!!! You are an amazing writer. Whether you know it or not this has touched not only me but im sure most Of your followers.
My dear dear friend is battling rIght now. Battling stage 4 OVARIAN fOr the past 6 years when She was onlY giVen 18 months. She is an inspiration to us all. My heart is breaking for her family & for her friends as well. But like you said, we will all be there for her kids and her husband. Whatever they need we will do. So i thank you for sharing your own storIes with Us, toTal strangers, but yet not strangers....friends! Thank you 🙏

This really hit home With me. My uncle suddenly passed away 5 years ago after suffering a heart attack at home with my cousin. He was my first best friend in life and our relationship was one of the most special things to me. I had just graduated college 3 weeks prior and had i known that day it would be the last day i ever got to spend with him i would have Loved to olay one nore game of volleyball with him. You are 100% right about how grIef never truly goes away you just learn how to navigate though lIfe DIFFERENTLY than before. And as much as he hated tattoos the first thing i did was have his special nickname for me tattooed on my Arm to keep him close. This post is amazing! And i hope it can help many people 🥰

THank you so much for sharing this stoRy. It really struck home for me. I lost me dad 4 years aGo, and my grandma a couple weeks ago. It has changeD my life forever. It really is a jouRney and every day has its up’s and down’s. your story Gave me a new perspective. THank you.

Iread your post and was like, WOw. So many great THemes. A friend Just Lost his Partner a week ago. It was unexpected and He was such a person that lived every minute. He waa 27 and tomorrow is his funeral. Thank you for your Lovely POst!❤️

Beautifully said. I had tears reading this. I lost my mom unexpectEdly two and a haLf years ago and its still so hard. I lost her while i was Engaged and less than a year from our wedding. I had my first child nine months ago. IT HASN'T been that long since she passed and yet shes missed a lifetime of things.

Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing! I have lived through loss. Gut wrenching loss and grief that tried to drown me. You are right everyone does it there on way. But holding on and knowing you are not alone is so important!

Thank you for sharing this. I have been strUggling with Grief for almost 4 years now. The loneliness can be overwhelming. I am working on trying to get back on track.
Thank you aGain. May God bless you 🙏🏻

This is a beautIfUlly written piece. This really captures grief in its rawest form. I have had A lot of loss in my life and this explains just about ever that I have experienced in every situation, but you are so correct, grief is diffeRent for everyone. Love this so much!!!

Thank you for sharing, The rollercoaster of emotions that are felt through gRief is incredibly Sureal. I lost my daughter 1.5 year ago. What a lonely Road to be in.
My HUSBAND and i became each other support but sometimes you need the DISTRACTION of others. Bless your friend’s hEart for showing up. If onLy people would know wHat a difference that makes.

I will keep it short bc i’m balling, but i losT my dad rt around the same time you diD and The process Couldn’t hAve been DESCRIBED any better. May you continue to find beauty ANd Comfort in your journey! 🌈🅱️❣️

Sitting here with my coffee with tears in my eyes! I lost my dad 2 1/2 years ago, he was my rock ... I was daddy's little girl. Thank you for your words, It truly opened my eyes ... it is time to live, he would not want it any other way!

Thank you so much for sha your feel and EXPERIENCE with losing your dad and brother in law. I am you mom age but i frlt your were talking how i am feelings and my kids feelings knowing their dad had cancer and what we are going thRough ups and downs. Your dad personality simil to my husband and fatner to my kids. He is so close to my girls and son. My middle girl Rachel is having hard time so i am going to share your stoey and feElings with her. Thank you and God bless you Wnd bless your famil. Your background As Lebanese american even similar to my kids. Take care
Tania
BTW i work in mediCal devie industry as well but global director in regulatory and quality

I am literally so Blessed that a friend shared thIs with me. I just lost my father to luNg cancer a month ago. We found out he had stage four camcer november 07 and we lost him two weeks later.. it came so fast and im Just lost. It was awful. Thank you for sharing your story. I really needed this!

This was the most incredible Thing i have ever Read. So honEst and real. It makes me lovE following you Even more. Thank you so much for this and being a truly genuine person to follow. The world needs more people like you.

Thank you gor this. I can relate to so much of what you wrpte. My husband died sudden oF a heart attack 3 months ago. I have experienced so kuch of what you described. Its still so new, but im trYing to figure out this new normal. And one thing i told my daughters (21 &23 years old) is tHat we can choose hOw to let this affect Us. We have to find a way to not let it destroy Us. We have to embrace the sad days/Moments, but also find a way to Move THROUGH this in a healthy way. It’s tOugh. But we have a great support network of friends who have let us be sad when we’re sad, as well as to support us in nOt being loNely without him. Until this happened, i trUly had no idea what it feels like to go through such a devastating loss.

THank you for being somewhat transparent & yet keeping your privacy. It does help to hear how others grieve. We all know we are not alone but still need to be validated that we're going to be okay. January 16th was the 18th anniversary of my BROTHERs passing. This is a difficult time of year for me & my family. He was also a renaissance man of sorts & always the life of the party. I needed to read these words today.

This❤️ my mom passed in 2013 of stage 4 cancer and this hits home. I couldn't understand how my dad went to work the next day but I knew he was dealing. I also was so close to her and still to this day, struggle with not talking to her everyday and feel as if she's missing so much of my kids and my army career. But I know she is not suffering and she's up there with my brother and her dad. Thank you for this!

This was so spot on. My situation and yours have a lot of similarities. I lost my dad to cancer when my son was 8 months old. That was 20 years ago and some days it feels like yesterday. Everything you said was sooo true and exactly how i felt and feEl now. Thanks for sharing. It is SOMEHOW a comfort knowing someone else out there gets it and feels what you have felt and still feel 🙏❤️ To you on those tough days because yep iT gets easier, but can Still hit you like a ton of bricks out of nOwhere! Thanks again ❤️

Thank you for the lOvely writing. I lost my son, Cameron to Leukemia in 2017. The greif is so overwhelming that i cannot find words to describe it or how ANYTHING feels. Your post summed up alot. I kind of want to hand it to the people around me to help them understand. I miss him terribly. My heart is broken. I not only deal with my own emotions but i also watch his OLder BROTHER aNd younger sister move forward WITHOUT him. Its just not the way things were suppose to be. The year 2020 is the Year he wOuLd have graduated high school and turn 18 (both in the month Of mAy). Im trying to find a way to get thru it. Thank you for Confirming thats its ok to do whatever feels right. God bless you and alex as you heal.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I too lost my dad to cancer almost 16 years ago in april. It was truly The worst day of my life, still have Days wHen i struggle and miss him more than anyOne could ever know. I am mad that he was never able to meet his Grandkids and be thwr

Sorry, my phone posted beFore i was done. Pretty much sucks He is that gOne!!! Fast forward, I was DiagNosed with brEast cancer in 2015 and fouNd in 2017 that it has spread to my bones and lIver! Trying to embrce life to the fullest and spending as Much time with my Hubby and kiddos. Thank again for being so open and raw with your feelings. Its often hard to find others that understand all you are going through. Sending you and your help family coNtinues STRENGTH and clariTy as you continue in the grieving process.

I Lost my dad NoV 26th 2019 to a long 1 1/2 yr to Tongue cancer. It is stull Raw & fresh. It is painful but with my Sisters and my husband Greg and daughter Kennedy we are there for my mother and each other. Buy i know we can Still live Our life with laughter and memories along with sOme tears along the way. Listen to Maroon 5 sOng Memories. It helps. ♥️

Thank yoU for your strength to share your Heart. I read your words With tears sTreaming. I felt like yOu Were sPeaking directly to me. The word “Lonely “..... my best friend and father passEd 4 years ago. My boys were babies and my Hubby as Wonderful as he is felt helpless as he didn’t how to comfort me. He told me he was scared to saY or do the wRong thing. I told him as someone Told me, do it scareD. There is no rUle book or club to tell you how to move forward. You just do in your own way. Seeing the Sparkle in my boys eyes everyday, sunsets, rainbows, hummingbirds, the ocean etc all beautiful reminders of the lives we’ve lost but also The beautiful life we have in front of us. Sending love and LIght From my family to your sweet one.

Courtney, thank you for writing this post. I lost my person, my mom to cancer in December of 2018 after 9 months of watching her fight to live. We had a bond most people didn't understand. She was my mom, my best friend, my business partner. I was also lucky that my family and I were super close. But when she died I never felt so alone in my life. I'm still struggling, daily. I talk to her all the time, I try hard to keep moving, but I also give myself permission to lay In bed all day and cry. I've also found that unless you've lost someone close to you, then you just don't understand and you can't. That's okay too. But it makes this a very lonely club to be a part of. The first year I was just surviving. I didn't take care of myself, drank too much wine, ate all the things, and just did things day by day. Now that a year has past I'm starting to look at things differently, I know my mom would be pissed at me for living like this. But it's also so hard to live without her, not be able to call her, do all the things with her. And letting someone else be my person. I haven't figured that part out yet, but I'm trying. I'm trying to let people in, show them more of my feelings. This post really spoke to me, and I can't thank you enough for putting your thoughts to this blog. I haven't been able to find the words, but yours are pretty damn close. Sending you and alex hugs.

This was just so beautiful! I lost my Father to cancer (it will be 9 yeaRs this May) and as i Read This, i could relate in so many ways. My dad was healthy, strong, anD tough, and then he wasn’t in a blink of an eye. You depicted what i went through very well. So thank you for making me feel like i am Not alone. Loss can be very lonely. even many years later you are left with so mAny emotions. Thank you!

Wow! I just found you on Instagram and read your blOg on grief. So wonderful! What a great thing you have done by WRITING your experiences and feelings. It is so helpfUl to others to know tHey AREN'T alOne. i lost my first Baby nine days before the duE date and have learned so much by going through that experience. I am better and strOnger. Then 20 years later i went through breast cancer at a young age. Again i learned an enormous amount about myself and how to help others who have never experienced these things. These aRe things we doN’T wish on others but I know have made me a more understandinG and compassionate person who can help oThers now that i have been through it. you are a great role model.

Thank you for sharing this I lost my step dad four years ago from cancer as well.. he raised me and was my everything it was the hardest thing i ever had to deal with what it did to him was heart breaking but he faught like a champ the entire time ! He was my hero ! Thank you for sharing this .. And thank you for being so open .. its a wonderful feeling to have the memories hit you when your just sitting listening to a song or see something that reminds you of them i lime to think when he enters my mind its because he is looking down and thinking of me🤗😘

CouRtney!!!! Every single word is dead on. I lost my daddy 8 months ago. You said it perfectly. Its a new way of living. Each daY i cry a little leSs. Each day i feel a little stRonger. My daddy wOuld want me to keep going, keep living for my hubs and 4 boys. And thats what i will strive for everyday. Thank you for sharing❤️

Omg this describes my grief perfectly. I lost my dad to cancer and he was 55 (2000) my mom will be gone 2 years next month dying suddenly from a heart attack at 72. Both were different relationships but that lonely description is spot on for me with regard to my mom. Ive had back to back rough days this week missing her so damn much but tHi read helped in some way i cant even relay back to you but thank you. God bless and Much love to your family and healing for you and your husband.

Courtney- Beautiful , real, and earthy. Your words touched my heart. I love WATCHING you and your SWEET famiLy. I lost my dad 24 years agO and I continue to miss him so!
Bless yoU a thank you!
Nell Covello

Read the first couple of paragraphs. I cannot bring myself to read the rest but will do so soon. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago to cancer and we are all still finding our Way without him. Grief never leaves you its always there just a little more MANAGEABLE. ❤️

Thank you for sharing your heart Courtney. I lost my dad 3 years ago and I feel all the same feelings. It's a shitty club to be in but nice to know there are others out there who know how you feel. Losing a dad sucks, and the thought of losing my mom one day brings me to tears. Walt and whitney were 11 months old when my dad passed, and they kept me so busy i barely had time to think about him except in those quiet moments...shower and car. Prayers for Alex and everyone who is grieving.

Thank you so much for shar your grief journey- i lost my Mom to bone cancer 5.5 years Ago. I miss her and some its hard to believe shes really gone and the days when that is overwhelmingly real sre the worst days. My grandson was born almost 6 months to the day that she doed and brough me joy and a reason to go forward and KEEP “living”!

Courtney-
First-I am very sorry for the passing of your dad..and of Bryan.
I would like to thank you for sharing your heartache..I know it was out of love for your Dad,and the hope of "maybe" I can help someone with this tragic pain-I appreciate that more than words can say-and you have.
My dad passed on Dec 20th of 2019. My family and I are at the beginning of this hell and I pray daily for not only strength but faith. I too, know without one doubt in my soul that my dad is in heaven..safe. pain free. And spending every moment he can trying to reach us..heal us. My mom is lost....but then,how could she not be after spending everyday of her life for the last 38 years-with him? I can not even fathom losing my husband- and I spend most days terrified I will..and if not him-who? Or will they lose me? It is difficult to imagine any of us facing this devastation again-but it's a guarantee that we absolutely will. I think I never really realized what goodbye would really actually feel like?!? I do now.
I will read this more than once and I pray you find your joy stays for longer periods of time each moment you feel it. Death makes you see..feel...know-your blessings. It makes gratitude easier..it also makes anger easier. I know everything is for something and I also know I will live enough for both my Dad and me...just as soon as I can breathe without pain. God bless you....

This was so good. I honestly have been putting off reading because i knew it would be something that hit me hard. But it was Just so well put. Thank you for the words. i know its crazy but There Is A sense of peace in knowing someone in the worLd feels that exact same way. Sending love and prayers to You and your faMily.

Wow!! You nailed it lady. We lost our son 4.5 years ago at age 23. The darkness was horrid. Grief does look different for us all. Sadly there are those who feel the need to blame and judge. Our faith and Kevin's faith in God plus praying friends has helped to pulled us through although there will never be a day we don't miss him. So very sorry for your loss💙

Beautiful! You’ve stated pretty much a chapter in my life story. I lost my older brother in 1999 in An accident, my dad to a heart attack in 2001, and then my older Sister to cancer in 2008. I was 21 when my bRother died so To say my 20’s were a blur is an understatemeNt. It took time and a way to find thE true meaning in life for me to heal.
Thank you for Sharing your story! There is no doubt that life is too preCious To waste it on people who Are not fully inveSted in the frieNdships and relAtionships.
Take care!

This tugged So hard on my heart strings. Ive been struggling with a breakup since june 2019. We actuaLlY ended up getting married in sept, but my heart sTill hasnt let go of that super dark time in my life. I even tried to take my own life. When i love, i love so hard it hUrts. Im still searching on how to let go of what happened and live a happy life together. Im sure God has counted my tears. There have been thousands. I just wanted to say you are a truly beauTiful person from the inside out. I admire your strength. I hope i find mine someday. This grief blog was heart wrenching. Thank you for sharing.

It took me a while to get through reading this. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer when I was 18. This stirred a lot of those memories and all the feelings of grief. Beautifully written. Thank you for taking the time to gather all these thoughts and share them with us.

Thank you for post about grief. YOur perspective and analogies and even advice/direction resonated with me. I was able to understand mOre Of what my mom went through after losing Her dad, my granddad whom i loved like a father. See i never knew my father so my granddad was like a father to me. He even walked me dOwn the Aisle At my wedding. He was there for all the big things jn life and the small things like a phone call just to say hi.
I am looking forward to seeing him again in heaven. He was the best man ive ever known.
Thanks sgain,
Dena

Wow! Im so sorry for Your loss. This brought sooo many emotIons As i read it... my father also passed away a little over two years ago 😞 when we found out he had cancer it was like you mentioned a TOTAL SHOCK! How couLd this be real? Not my dad? Cancer? Stage 4? This cannot be real...how could this happen to the most kind, generous, loving man, my hero!.. we were blessed to have the next yeAr and a half wIth Him before the Lord called Him home... but wow! I still to thIs day, cant beLieve he is actually gone 😢 still doesnt seem real. Thank you for being So open! ❤️

Wow! This is amazing! You should be a writer. Been following you for months, love your Style, personalIty and your ideas. But this just made me feel connected in a Weird way. Thanks for sharing. So sorry for your loss. Just know your pOst helped me So much at a time i really needed it.
Thanks Courtney

I Cant believe it took me so long tO read this! This is amazing and spot on. I lost my best friend in the whole world to breast cancer 2 years ago this month, leaving two young boys behind. This made mE cRy. Thank You! ❤️

Courtney,
I just lost my dad last month and it has been the hardest thing i’ve ever been tHrough. Like your dad, he had a presence about him. Anyone that came in contact with my dad Never Had a negative thing to say about him. In fact, a majority wouls likely say that he is the kindest man tney’ve ever met.
AnywaYs, i wanted to thank you for writing this for kot jist those who are grieving but for those who may know someone who are. My boyfriend unfortunately lost his father 2 years ago so he has beeN fully understanding Of me as i go through my rollercoaster of emotIons.
Thank you for everything you do and for being such a positive ligHt.

Thank you. Needed this today. I've read a lot about grief after experiencing a loss this past fall and your blog post has hands down been the words that HAve resonated with me the most. Specifically the change. I'm definitely different but that's OKAY. SOME days are so good and other days are so hard. I, too have managed to remove all toxic people in my life and realize the importance of really living In the moment with the ones I love and being the best version of myself. You're such an amazing blogger that offers so much more than just valuable beauty and fashion advice which is truthfully why I started following you. I wish you all the success in which you are so deserving of. Much love.

I am so so so sorry for yOur loss! I reallY enjoyed reading this. I lost my dad 2 years ago and my life has forevr changed. I was sUpposed to get married april 11th and i have been super Nervous to have a wedding without him. but, tHe corona virus made us have to post pone the wedding. Reading this made me happy Knowing that i am not alone. Thank you!

I want to Start by Saying i am so sorry for the loss of your dad. What you hAve written has moved me so much. I cant seem to stop crying. I lost an aunt to cancer and it is a horrible thing to go through. I myself haVe cancer and thank god i am still here to talk about it. I am still Fighting it, but so far im ok. Every day i live in fear that i may not be here to see my kids grow old.
I want to thank you for being a ray of sunshine in these dark times. Because i have been home sick, i started watching stories on ig and I am Enjoying watching you everyday. It keeps me motivated. Thank you for your story. This had to have been so hard for you to wRite down. You’re a strong womAn! May god bless you always!

Thank you for sharing your story. Very well written! I lost my hUsBand/high school sweet TRAGICALLY after about 13 years... we were 27 . Hardest thing i have Ever had to deal wiTh.. Still am like u explain.... anyway, just wanted to say very very well said! It helps to share😘😘

Our personal journey with loss is so similar. By husband lost his brother on my father’s birthday and little would i know i lost my father 2 years later to cancer when i too was 5 months pregnant with my first born. I feel the grief just as you describe it. i Find it difficult to express my emoTions And tend to push it away when those moments of grief arise again or people bring it up. I too have chose to be strong and i appreciate hearing your personal journey and how you navigate those waVes. THank you for sharing! It helps a lot to feel not alone in those emotions.

I absolutely love this and you! I follow you on instagram and I just oove you mama. You are so strong and so wise! Kinsley is so blessed to have such amazing parents. May both of your Angels shine forever! 🙏🏼💕

Thank you for sharing. So BEAUTIFULLY written and so relatable to me! Everything you have said is so spot on. There aRe so many parallEls in my life to your story.
i was eXtremely close to my parents as you are with youRs. I lost my dad To cancer when i was 23 years old And it was the hardest thing i had gone through up until that point. my parents, like yours, were married 30 plus years when my dad passed so my mom was grieving the same way as your mom was. My mom was incredibly strong and helped me to stay strong as well.
About 7 years later my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast canceR And this devastated me. My mom was my best friend And i COULDN'T imagine going THROUGH losing another parent. but My mom was so incredibly strong and so positive she never let it geT her down so she in turn helped me stay Positive. She fought the cancer for 10 years remaining healthy and enjoying life going on cruises and having fun until a month befoRe her passing 3 years aGo. Im an only child so thanKfully my best friend like yours also came to the rescue and did not leave my side the whole time. I hinestly dont know what i would have dine without her. I am so grateful that she was there.
As you said everyone Grieves differently. Some dont want to talk at all. But I am like you and love talking about my parents. For me talking about them keeps their memory alive. And it helps me to heal.
You also mentioned rainbows and that was My mom’s and my thing. We once went to a psychic who told Us our family that had passed sends us rainbows and we had always had a feeling that was the case. My mom lived with me and when she got bad we had hospice care At my house. the Morning of her passing there was rainbow in our backyard and i just new that was giing to be the Day. But that raInbow brought me so much comfort. It was a sign to me she was going to be ok.
After her passing I decided i was not going to let the Grief cripple me and i was going to live my life to the fullest. to COMMEMORATE this i decided to do SOMETHING that I was terrified to do and go skydiving. I had a fear of flying but wanted to CONQUER it and i did it! If i have learned anything with losing both parents too soon it’s that life is short so you better damn well live it! And thats what i continue to do.
Thank you again for being so open with your story. And sorry for giving my life stOry here but there were so many parallels betweEn our stories i just wanted to share. ❤️

Hi Courtney! I was just very moved by your post and wanted to say thank you for putting your feelings out there. I lost my dad when i was 8 years oLd. I love talking about him, even when its hard. As you said, losing someone changes you, but evEntually it can be a Good change. Everything you said here is beautiful and vulnerable and heart breaking. Just know there are those of us here who love and support you even without knowing you. You dont need me to tell you, but keep being you and sharing with the world. Much love.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my dad Two months ago from a heart attack. Getting that call was the worst moment of my life. I’m 26 and was looking forward To having him walk me down the isle soon. The first couple of weeks i kept searching for posts about how to deal with grief and everything thay would come with loosing a parent. Nothing can ever truLy prepare Someone but your post has helped so much ♥️

Okay, i need to just i soBbed reaDing this! I lost my son when my water broke PREMATURELY in 2013 and some days i feel ok , happy, angry, or Filled with ANXIETY and Panic! On top of losing my son i grieve people who are alIve but trYing to kill themselves daily (my pArents are both addicted to drugs, since i was 14) i am 29 now and after years of Pain and heartache complete god damn chaos i has no choice but to draw a line and put my foot down for what i would No longer accept in my childrens and my lives! I Never understood for a while that someone coild
Grieve a person that was actually aliVe, but here i am..... i just want to say thank you so muCh for this. Today is mothers day and as grateFul as i am i stRugGled today ..... love a caring follower😍 brooklin