Kate Northruphttp://www.katenorthrup.com
Make a Life, Not Just a LivingSun, 02 Aug 2015 15:19:14 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.3Make a Life, Not Just a LivingKate Northrup and Mike WattscleanKate Northrup and Mike Wattskate@katenorthrup.comkate@katenorthrup.com (Kate Northrup and Mike Watts)2013 Kate NorthrupMake a Life, Not Just a LivingKate Northruphttp://www.katenorthrup.com/wp-content/uploads/powerpress/Love_Money_Podcast_300.jpghttp://www.katenorthrup.com
Sick of saying yes when you mean no?http://www.katenorthrup.com/sick-of-saying-yes-when-you-mean-no/
http://www.katenorthrup.com/sick-of-saying-yes-when-you-mean-no/#commentsTue, 07 Jul 2015 16:52:46 +0000http://www.katenorthrup.com/?p=7117

Since being pregnant my internal “no’s” and “yes’s” have gotten significantly louder. Waffling barely exists anymore. I’m not trying to talk myself into things I don’t really want to do. The boundaries are loud, proud, and clear.

I thought I was getting pretty good at saying no before getting pregnant. But the clarity I have now around what’s good for me, my body, the baby, and our family makes my previous version of boundaries look like chalk lines on the sidewalk after a rainstorm.

One of my desires/intentions is that the volume of my “no” and “yes” stay turned up to the same level after the baby is out. I love knowing what I do and don’t want to do beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I love feeling less guilty about it than I ever have before.

I know that we all have this clarity inside us. While pregnancy might make it more pronounced, listening intently and acting accordingly can also make the internal voice louder. Pay special attention to that acting accordingly part. Listening to the truth that bubbles up inside and then ignoring it is a good start, but it won’t produce the long-term, life-lived-on-purpose-and-amazingly-well benefits that you’re after.

For me, saying yes has never been a stretch. It’s the “no’s” that have tripped me up.

If you’re a recovering “yes-aholic,” too, read on.

Here are my go-to strategies for saying a clear “no,” which is a gift to you and those around you. Because remember:

Don’t Say You’ll Do Things that You’re Not Going to Do

A woman walked up to me and asked me if I would review some of her work to give her my feedback. She was delightful, and I’m sure the piece she wanted my eye on was equally wonderful. However, I knew it would sit in my inbox, and I would delay looking at it. And it would bug me. And cause mental friction. And after all the delaying and hemming and hawing, if I did get around to reviewing it, I wouldn’t give it my best attention.

Why? Because it’s not a priority for me. Because I have several of my own projects that I’d like to finish before the baby comes. Because it felt like a no. (By the way, something feeling like a no is reason enough. Those other justifications are nice if they’re true, but they’re not necessary.)

In the past I would have told her to email me and I’d see what I could do. Then I might have let her down over email.

Instead, I told her the truth in real time. I said that, while I loved what she was up to, I didn’t want to tell her I would do something that I know deep down isn’t a priority for me right now. It felt uncomfortable to say, but it felt freeing, too. We both knew where we stood. I wished her the best and gave her some other resources she might find helpful.

Take home message: if someone asks you to do something and you immediately know that you won’t, don’t say that you will. It doesn’t serve you and it doesn’t serve them. Keep it clean, people.

There’s No Need to Give a Reason

Your no does not require justification. Here’s a great sentence you can use, inspired by my friend Andrea Equihua:

“Thank you for your invitation/offer/request. I’m not able to do it at this time, but if that changes, I’ll let you know.”

Gracious. Kind. Simple. Clear. Non-apologetic.

You don’t have to apologize for not being able to fit into someone else’s agenda. You don’t have to give 57 reasons why it doesn’t work. You can be kind while still giving a simple no.

Give Yourself Time

There are moments when someone asks you to do something, and you don’t know whether or not you can or want to.

There are also moments when you’re caught off guard when someone asks you to do something in person, and a direct “no” feels like too much of a stretch. (This is often the case when your “no” muscles are still developing.)

These are moments when asking for 48 hours to get back to the person is ideal.

They feel acknowledged. You don’t feel cornered.

Then you can give yourself a moment to check in while you’re not in their presence and see if you get a clear internal message.

You can also take the time to compose a response that’s respectful, kind, and clear if it is indeed a no. When you’re just starting out practicing saying no, coming up with this kind of response in the moment can be quite challenging. Giving yourself a day or two helps you get your wits about you.

If It’s Not a Hell Yes…

You’ve likely heard this one before, but it’s one I remind myself of nearly daily, so it’s worth repeating.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

That’s it. It works the same on choosing where to eat dinner as it does who you’re going to marry.

The Gift of Your No

The gift of your no is that everyone in your life knows that when you do say yes, it’s real. They know where they stand with you. It puts everyone at ease.

And you honoring your “yes’s” and your “no’s” means that you get to trust yourself more and more, each and every day. Since you’re the only one you’ll be spending your entire life with, that’s a pretty big deal.

May we all have the cojones to say no when we mean no and yes when we mean yes. And may we all have the courage to keep the volume turned up on that voice that always knows. It serves us, and it sure serves the world.

Over to You:

Have you ever said yes when you really meant no? What did it feel like? What are your “saying no” strategies? This is a growth edge for me and many in our community, so please share your best tips in the comments below!

P.S. Want to say yes to saving money on your grocery bill and getting organic, wholesome food delivered to your door? We’ve just started ordering our household essentials like coconut oil, chia seeds, and almond butter from Thrive Market. We saved $50 on groceries for things we would be buying at Whole Foods and we didn’t even have to leave the house. Save money while staying healthy. Check it out.

]]>http://www.katenorthrup.com/sick-of-saying-yes-when-you-mean-no/feed/34Finding space to do less in your life (Part II of the Doing Less Series)http://www.katenorthrup.com/finding-space-to-do-less-in-your-life-part-ii-of-the-doing-less-series/
http://www.katenorthrup.com/finding-space-to-do-less-in-your-life-part-ii-of-the-doing-less-series/#commentsTue, 28 Oct 2014 10:00:25 +0000http://www.katenorthrup.com/?p=5566

(This post is part of a multi-part series on doing less. Get on the list to get the next installment in your inbox.)

So you’ve determined you want to do less to get more out of life.

You’re tired of feeling harried, stressed, rushed, and like the seams of your life are busting from being overstuffed.

You’re ready to be a human being, not a human doing.

But what does that actually mean? What does it actually look like?

I’ve asked myself that question a lot over the last six months as I’ve been noodling around on the power of less.

If the conscious pursuit of doing less were my life span, I feel as though I’m in my infancy on this one. But we have to start somewhere.

SAY NO TO ALMOST EVERYTHING

You may love to say yes. (I love to say yes.) But years of saying yes to everything that came my way left me feeling like a slave to my overburdened schedule. Instead of pursuing my own priorities, I was spending all day every day serving everyone else’s.

While that may sound selfless and lovely, it actually made me feel spent and resentful. And guess what I had left to devote to my own dreams and desires? Nada.

Make saying no part of your spiritual practice. Will it feel uncomfortable at first? Yep. Will you disappoint some folks? Yep.

I used to be a bit of a yes ho, if you will. Not only did I feel at the mercy of other people’s agendas, it made me feel a little dirty over time.

Now that I’m far more discriminating with what I opt in to, my yes actually means something. I trust myself more. I’m in integrity instead of running around like a loose people-pleaser.

Thou shalt filter

How do you know what to say yes to and what to say no to? Create a filter.

Darren Hardy, publisher of SUCCESS magazine, shares a concept called “the vital few.” This is a very short list (2-3 items max) of activities that you and only you can do which move you forward toward your goals.

Your vital few are the highest leverage ways you can spend your time. Said another way, when you do this stuff you get a really big bang for the time you invest. You get more done in less time. You feel incredibly energized. You make leaps forward instead of baby steps.

Ask yourself:

-What can I, and only I, do to get closer to my most important goals?

-What do I absolutely love doing that also moves me toward my goals?

Your answers will point you in the direction of your vital few.

My vital few are writing/content creation and connecting with potential new members of The Freedom Family.

When an opportunity or task comes across your radar, ask yourself:

Will doing this help me spend more time doing my vital few?

Follow Your Enthusiasm

I recently said no to a really cool opportunity because it didn’t align with my top three priorities for the coming year. I felt really excited when I got the email and really excited after the initial exploratory phone call. But when I looked at my top three things I want to focus on right now, it just wasn’t on the list.

(I heard a great tip from Warren Buffet for choosing the top priorities: write down all of your priorities, pick the top three, then throw out the rest of the list. Freeing and terrifying, simultaneously. I highly recommend it.)

That said, weeks later I kept thinking about how fun it would be to pursue this project I’d said no to. It began popping into my head every day for over a week. I felt genuinely enthusiastic about it.

So I emailed the person back and asked if we could open the door of possibility again.

Because, while having filters that help you determine what to say yes and no to is helpful, sometimes you have to throw those out and follow what moves you.

If you’re nervous about following your enthusiasm because you tend to feel enthusiastic about a lot of things, give yourself time. Ask for 48 hours before you make your decision so that you can see if that enthusiasm is just a quick dopamine shot of feeling wanted or if it’s the kind of sustainable energy you’ll need to follow through with a project and feel good about it the whole way through.

In the next installment of the “Doing Less Series” I’ll share a few loving guidelines I’ve put in place for myself which I call my “Rules for Sane Living.” They help me do what needs to be done while feeling spacious and calm.

OVER TO YOU:

Have you ever felt like a “yes ho”?

What filters do you have in place for helping you decide what to say no to and what to say yes to?

I used to think it was like looking at a vast horizon with every possibility in the world.

I used to think freedom meant the ability to choose literally anything at anytime… and to change my mind at the float of a feather.

I’m about to make the biggest commitment of my life, thus far. Next week I’m getting married.

I know many people who fear making a choice because it will limit their options. And I totally get that. I’ve been there.

But here’s what I’ve noticed of late:

Making a clear decision opens up a deeper level of freedom that you don’t get when you stay on the fence.

A clear “No” frees us up to experience a “Hell yes!”

A firm boundary creates a safe territory in which we can express ourselves freely.

Laser focus allows us the freedom to go deeper than we ever would have with our buckshot attention firing at lots of things at once.

There are billions of men on the planet. And yet I’m choosing one.

This single decision frees me from having to make bazillions of decisions down the line.

Who am I going to spend holidays with? Mike.

Who am I going to go on dates with? Mike.

Who am I going to sleep next to? Mike.

Who am I going to wake up next to? Mike.

Who am I going to invest my mind, body, heart, and soul in for the rest of my life? Mike.

All of the decisions that this single decision is saving me free up heap-loads of time and energy. I can literally experience how spacious that feels in my body as I type this.

The time and energy we save when we’re willing to make a clear decision sets us free.

It’s what allows the static to finally silence so we can sink our teeth into something. It’s where the possibility of freedom begins.

Everything rests on the surface until you make a choice.

Layers upon layers of unfathomable richness are available if, and only if, we have the courage to say yes or no.

Do we miss out on things when we get off the fence and make a clear move toward yes or no? You bet your bippy we do.

But right in this very moment you’re missing out on 99.99999% of what’s going on around the universe. So am I.

The fact is we can only be where we are. And if where we are is mired in half-baked commitments and half-made decisions, we’re not only missing out on everything that’s going on around the universe, we’re also missing out on the only moment we can possibly experience anyway: right now.

Tired of feeling like we have to be it all, do it all, have it all,… perfectly, now, and at the same time.

Aren’t you tired of feeling like there is always more to do, with little to no time and space for you? And although you try to be healthy – get in a yoga class, down a green drink – you still feel stressed out and exhausted more than you feel blissed out and rested. You are not getting what you need because you are so busy giving to everything else.

Ugh! I know I’ve felt this way myself. In fact, just yesterday I was talking to a friend about wanting to complete my editorial calendar for the summer by the end of June. I really wanted to have 10 blog posts pre-written, edited, and scheduled so that I could enjoy a relaxed summer of doing less after the wedding.

She asked me, “Why not 7? Does it have to be 10?” Immediately I realized, “No! It does not have to be 10. My community does not need to hear from me every single week. As long as I check in regularly and am providing something of value, 7 would probably be plenty.”

I don’t know about you but my tendency is always to do a little bit more.

When I’m at the gym I add more weight, do another set, and increase the speed of the treadmill. When I’m working I have a habit of adding projects far more often than taking them off my plate. When I’m with friends and family I ask, “What can I do? What do you need? How can I be of service?”

(I’m well aware that this very tendency in me is why I have to teach and be vigilant about creating freedom. Constant over-doing makes us feel trapped. My default is to do more. So I created a business around freedom to break that habit. We’re going to take a deep dive into what it means to create true freedom at a special, intimate weekend in Maine in October. Click here to learn more.)

Do you find yourself always doing more and almost never choosing to do less?

Over time, doing a little bit more all the time (or a lot more) makes us feel overwhelmed and stressed out.

I recently heard that 1 in 3 women dies of heart disease, and not because we are downing french fries every day, but because of the tremendous amount of pressure on our hearts to take care of so much – people we love, projects we care about, plus our own personal health and happiness – AKA stress!

Obviously this way of living is not working. We need new tools, ones based on ancient wisdom tailored for today’s reality as a 21st century woman… and we also need each other.

This summer there’s a very special gathering of women happening on the evening before Summer Solstice that any woman any where in the world can come to, and I believe you really need to know about it.

It’s called Grace Under Pressure, it’s a free live-stream specifically for women who are sick and tired of feeling so much pressure, living with so much stress, and feeling like no matter how much they do, it’s never quite enough. It’s for women who want more happiness and success without sacrificing themselves any more.

The event is really a sacred circle of women from around the world gathering to re-balance their personal giving and receiving scales so we can each take care of what we love, without sacrificing ourselves.

Three women I adore – Christine Arylo, Kristine Carlson, and Shiloh McCloud – lead these super power rituals on the Solstices because of the power that this time period specifically provides. It’s a time of pausing and reflecting… to shine the light on what you REALLY want to put your energy towards the rest of this year, instead of pressuring yourself to do it all.

What I love about these three is how they weave together decades of leading women’s circles in powerful and fun ways, no matter what your spiritual background or experience is, combining divine feminine wisdom, intentional creativity, self-love, song, poetry and dance.

Here’s what’s in store for this Summer Solstice:

RELEASE the pressure points and stress factors draining your energy time and happiness. You are going to love this simple process for helping you ferret out where the biggest pressure points are that you actually have control over (it will surprise you and free you!)

REPLENISH your personal chalice – put an end to OVER giving and start receiving. Get your personal scales back in balance so you can GIVE and RECEIVE more equally and keep yourself full.

CREATE MORE SPACE for yourself without having to find more time, or feel guilty. Using proprietary Intentional Creativity techniques based on quantum physics and ancient feminine wisdom, you will change the ‘field’ you operate from so you can actually take care of more without having to deplete yourself.

RE-FOCUS YOUR ENERGY on what matters most, and gain the grace to say No to what doesn’t. You’ll go through a powerful process to identify what really matters and gain the self-love and faith to release the rest. You will FEEL grace on this day so you can draw from grace when you need it again. What is so special is that this live-stream sacred circle is a gift from their heart to yours, totally free and even if you can’t make it live, they will send you a link to view it over the weekend.

Here’s the truth: I know that you love the people and projects you give your energy to, but sometimes, don’t you feel like you just want throw your hands up, pack your bags, get on plane to Bora Bora and say “I QUIT!”?

It’s crazy the pressure cooker we live in, and the stress we are under… We’ve got to find some space. Some things have to come off your plate. It’s time to take care of yourself as well as – and perhaps even better than – you are taking care of everything else.

That’s not selfish. It’s smart. We don’t have to sacrifice our happiness or health or success for the happiness of others. Everyone knows when women are happy, everyone is happy! Plus, when we take exquisite care of ourselves, we can be more present for others in our lives. So really, taking care of yourself is as much an act of love for you as it is for the rest of the planet.

One parting note – in case your mind is saying to you that you don’t have time to do something like this: You have to make money, take care of the kids, get things done. What I have found is that I cannot afford NOT to take the space for myself during these sacred times like Solstice because the wisdom I gain when I disconnect from my busy mind and busy life and connect instead to my inner wisdom, the divine, and other women provides me with insight that makes me more productive, profitable and peaceful. (Yep. Investing time in yourself in this way will actually make you more money over time.)

P.S. Women are more powerful when we support each other, so invite a woman you love to join you! Just forward her this post and invite her to attend this ritual with you from her home, or even invite her over if possible. The ritual will be interactive, so you will be able to interact online with women from around the world.

Forward this post to a woman and save a heart today or share the poster to your left on your Facebook or Instagram!

I’ve been hearing about getting on the “No Train” for years. And until very recently, I thought I was on it.

I thought I was clear on my priorities.

I thought I was protecting my time.

I thought I was saying no to the wrong things so that I could say yes to the right things.

So why, then, was I feeling like the things that I most wanted to put my attention on were slipping through my fingers?

During a recent workshop Darren Hardy, founder of Success Magazine, shared two quotes that got me just where I needed to be gotten.

“For every 100 great opportunities, I say no 99 times.” ~Warren Buffet

“I’m as proud of what we don’t do as what we do.” ~Steve Jobs

Woah Nelly! Warren Buffet and Steve Jobs didn’t just start saying no when they got to the top. They got to the top by saying no.

As I sat in the workshop taking copious notes, I realized that since my book launched I’ve been operating under the assumption that at some point the requests to do things would taper off. At that point, my schedule would clear up and I could re-focus on the things that I really wanted to focus on.

As soon as this thought materialized I immediately knew how silly it was. The wonderful opportunities are never going to slow down. In fact, they’re likely going to speed up!

I know I want to spend more time at home. I know that I don’t want to spend another winter on a plane every single week. I know I want to write more and re-focus on nurturing and growing The Freedom Family.

Yet I was waiting for other people to stop asking me to do things before giving myself permission to clear my schedule and lovingly choose which things to put back in.

You know those moments after which you’ll never see the world the same again? This was one of those.

Try This

Per Darren’s suggestion, Mike and I made a list of every single one of our priorities. Then we narrowed it down to the top three. And then we threw out the rest of the list.

Terrifying. Freeing.

I felt like I’d had three shots of espresso even though all I’d been drinking was water.

That was two weeks ago. Ever since then, when an email comes in asking me to do something, all I have to do is check those three priorities. If it doesn’t fit in with them (and if my soul isn’t giving me a very strong yes) then I say no.

The amount of mental distraction and email clutter this has eliminated is remarkable.

Every time I say no I get a little spritz of freedom and also a little spritz of guilt or fear. They both exist. So I decided to investigate how I might shrink that spritzer bottle of guilt and fear. That stuff just isn’t good for growth.

Since I’m not so special, I bet you can relate to these.

Reasons We Don’t Say No

1. I won’t be liked.

It’s true. When we reset our compass to our own agenda and stop calibrating true north based on other people’s needs, some of them won’t like us. I’m still getting used to this. It’s not easy, but my freedom and happiness, as well as my full presence with the people closest to me, is worth pissing off a few folks.

2. They’ll forget about me.

Every time I say no to a speaking gig I worry that I’ll be forgotten about. But then I remember Steve Jobs and Warren Buffet. And unless it’s a “Hell yes!” I say no. I also remember that sometimes the best stuff is hard to get. And I’m some of the best stuff.

3. I’ll miss out on something.

At any given moment, each one of us is missing out on 99.9% of what’s going on around the world. But the real joy comes from being so present to what we are actually doing that whatever else might be going on is easily forgotten.

4. I’ll let someone down.

What I’ve found is that I let people down far more often when I say yes and then don’t follow through, or half-ass it. Plus, when I’m on the receiving end of no’s, I often feel grateful instead of let down. Giving someone a clear no is a sign of respect.

So there you have it. The top four reasons we don’t say no and a little rebuttal for each. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to keep this list nearby. When my gut is telling me no but my ego is looking for validation, I shall refer to it and remind myself of the truth.

Over to you:

What are some of the reasons you don’t say no? How does it feel when you do say no? Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no?