Froome faces scrutiny over extraterrestrial DNA test results

Lance Armstrong and Miguel Indurain were both called “extraterrestrial” for their eyebrow-raising performances during their respective careers, but a groundbreaking study has shed light on Tour de France champion Chris Froome’s otherworldly dominance of cycling’s greatest race.

As part of the UCI’s Biological Passport program, researchers have begun to explore DNA profiling as a tool to target next-generation cheaters. Yet scientists were puzzled when they examined Froome’s genetic profile.

“Chris was very open with us to allow access to his DNA,” researcher Michele Bugatti told VeloNews. “We found some puzzling inconsistencies, and the only logical conclusion was that Froome has non-human DNA.”

This perhaps explains Froome’s incredible Tour performance in 2013, where his power numbers shot into orbit, well beyond the “pas normale” credibility threshold.

Team Sky principal Dave Brailsford defended his star pupil’s genetic makeup Tuesday, saying that alien DNA might have entered his system inadvertently as a child, when he would play in mud pools in Africa’s Great Rift Valley.

“That’s how he got bilharzia, isn’t it?” Brailsford said. “We know that aliens came to Africa to help the Egyptians build the pyramids, so we’re looking at the possibility of cross-breeding that was passed down through the millennia that is only detectable with today’s science.”

The discovery brings Froome’s profile into uncharted territory. World Anti-Doping Agency officials did not respond when asked for comment.

Brailsford said Sky has commissioned an independent panel, funded and screened by Sky, to investigate the genetic anomaly.

“It’s an interesting question. We are studying how the ‘celestial native’ population might trigger different numbers in the biological passport,” he continued. “What’s certain is that at some point we have to accept that alien performances will surpass doped human performances.”

Froome said that for years he felt like he had something growing in his lungs.

“I have nothing to hide, but I am as surprised as anyone that I am an alien,” Froome said.

Researchers said they are expanding their research for evidence of possible non-human DNA to include Kenyan runners, Russian oligarchs, and local TV news anchors.

Editor’s Note: This story originally posted on April Fool’s Day, 2014. Draw your own conclusions.