Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Playing post office with the monkey

So, let me get this out of the way first: Yes, I'm one of those people. I wait until April 15 to mail my tax returns. Let's just call it my rebellious nature, instead of what it really is (egregious procrastination). Hey, listen - it's my blog, so we'll call it my way. Who's tellin' this damned story, anyway?

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah - the post office. I believe they even stay open until midnight today, just because there are legions of people just like me, people who woke up this morning and said, "Holy fuck! I've gotta mail in my taxes today!" and then soiled their drawers.

I was expecting a circus at the post office when I got there, but really, I've seen it a lot busier on other, non-taxing days. Nonetheless, there were lots of extra workers posted all around to make sure no one would bust a vein when making the last-minute dash. I had need of some stamps, and as I approached the self-service dispenser, a nice lady came over to guide me through the touch-screen jungle.

As she explained the process to me, I was juggling my keys from hand to hand, trying to get out my wallet. This is on my key chain:

Why yes, I do have a monkey Pez dispenser on my key chain. If this surprises you, then you must be new here. So, hi! Nice to meetcha. Just remember that, in my world, monkey equals vagina. A vagina that dispenses candy. Everyone wins!

The nice post-office lady noticed my Pez dispenser, and we had the following conversation:

Nice lady: Oh, you have a monkey!

Evil me: Yup, I never go anywhere without my monkey.

Nice lady: Well, everybody likes monkeys!

Me: I have found that to be absolutely true. Who doesn't love a monkey?

Nice lady: I'll bet you get a lot of comments on your monkey.

Me: Yeah, people do tend to notice my monkey.

Nice lady: I guess I wouldn't want a real one, though.

Me: I suppose...they throw things.

Nice lady: And they drop down on you!

(Stamp transaction continues, monkey free for the moment, though I am unable to stop thinking about monkeys dropping down on me.)

Me: Thank you for your help!

Nice lady: Have a great day, and take care of your monkey!

Me: (Stuffing stamps in my purse and trying not to collapse in tears of laughter) You do the same.

It just goes to show that monkeys bring people together.

Oh, and if your taxes aren't in the mail by now, you and your monkey are so fucked.

Wow, I'd have never counted on you to be so prompt! Personally I don't ever remember getting my taxes in before the second extension, in October, but I never got the last couple of years in at all. I'm in so much trouble.

As for your monkey bidniss -- you are aware of my little (BIG?) MonkeyFingers problem, no? Not only is my heart a messy thing these days, but she's cancelled on our Monkey date twice already, after having received special permission to bring me. The monkey, and the monkey's monkey, and even the monkey's monkey's monkey are all driving me crazy!