Hello it's around 2pm and I am here. The big news so far is that West Ham aren't losing to Hartlepool and Rangers aren't losing to Aberdeen. In the meantime, why not peruse this article on how badly treated ginger people are in today's society. I particularly enjoy the man who says "The G word is an anagram of the N word," comparing enslavement and lynching to being likened to everyone's fourth favourite biscuit.

In other news here are the teams for Worcester v Havant and Waterlooville

The pick of today's games sees Kettering take on Fulham, weakened by the departure of Interview with the Vampire era Kirsten Dunst to Hull. Uninterestingly, my name was once stuck on another writer's article that laid into Kettering and all it stood for and I was sent an avalanche of emails (two) threatening to torture me if I ever went there. I haven't visited since.

I'll also stick my neck out slightly and say that Villa might find it tough at Doncaster who never concede goals (or socre them for that matter).

Breaking snooker news: Stephen Lee has beaten Jin Long of China 5-3 in the fourth-qualifying round for the China Open. Ha! So much for the rise of the east and the inevitable relegation of Britain to a sporting/economic backwater.

The Hull team to be publicly humiliated by their manager today will be:

Sunderland v Blackburn team news Ricky Sbragia shows he's prioritising the Cup by putting Michael Chopra in for Kenwyne Jones, while Sam Allardyce plumps for Wantaway Striker (TM) Roque Santa Cruz, who may be reconsidering a move to Man City given the events of the past week:

I particularly enjoyed this line from the wires: "Striker Didier Drogba and midfielder Deco were left on the bench by coach Luiz Felipe Scolari as Chelsea put out a strong line-up." You said it, Adrian Curtis, PA Sport. Oh, and West Ham have beaten Hartlepool 2-0.

Kettering v Fulham: Hooray! A Premier League manager taking the FA Cup seriously. Roy Hodgson has named a fairly strong side to play Kettering.

3pm: And we're off. With an email from a real person too. "Pardon my confusion, but why should we consider a Chelsea XI which includes Malouda 'strong'?," asks Lou Roper. "Perhaps Scolari is hoping the French flop plays a blinder today and dupes Man City's new owners into thinking he's worth £15m rather than £1.5m?" Having said that, even £15m isn't worth that much these days, is it Lou?

3.05pm:Celtic take an early lead against Hibs through Scott McDonald, while Oldham are 1-0 up against Stockport at the top(ish) of League One. Meanwhile, at the top(no ish) of League One, Leicester City are 1-0 down against Huddersfield.

3.09pm: Luton who were 78 points and several light years adrift of safety are now 75 points and several light years adrift of safety after an early goal against Bradford.

3.11pm: Kettering miss a half-chance v Fulham, while on Sky Sports News Merson et al have to watch League One games on telly because they don't have rights to FA Cup games. As opposed to myself, who basically guesses the scores. Leicester have equalised and Celtic are now 2-0 up against Hibs.

3.13pm: Blackpool have scored against Birmingham through former Blues striker DJ Campbell. Does the McLeish Out capaign start here? Go on, then. And the FA Cup just got that little less magic as Simon Davies makes it Kettering 0-1 Fulham.

3.16pm: Chelsea are giving Ipswich a tonking at Stamford Bridge, albeit one without any goals as yet.

3.18pm: Michael Turner makes it Hull 1-0 Millwall. "Does this mean Bullard is struggling to get over the break-up with Johnny Razorlight?" wonders Philippa Booth. Breaking up with Mr Razorlight would be a cause for celebration in most people's book.

3.21pm: Cole and Lampard combine to play Ballack in, who makes it Chelsea 1-0 Ipswich. "Tom, I'm following this MBM on a cell phone and the picture is too small for me to appreciate what is certainly a witty selection," says Joe Pearson. "Can you enlighten?" It's a picture of me in my bodybuilding days, it's to get the vital housewives' demographic in.

3.22pm: Jay DeMerit scores for Watford as they go 1-0 up against Palace.

3.26pm: "Why have you superimposed an image of you in 40 years onto the FA Cup," says Mac Millings baiting me with his big baity stick. "It's a disturbing glimpse into your future." As I say, that was me in my bodybuilding days 10 years ago.

3.28pm: John Ashdown is earning his beans at Sheffield United v Charlton and has the following to say: "Both sides have had a couple of chances, and not a bad game by all accounts. One interesting subplot is the battle between Charlton's Jonjo Shelvey and Sheffield United's Kyle Naughton, two of the brightest young stars outside the Premier League and both given set-piece responsibility here. Shelvey probably having best of it so far."

3.40pm: BIG SHOCK Fulham have conceded an equaliser against Kettering and the Cup now has 22% more magic in it, equivalent to maybe three pixies. Blues are 2-0 down to Blackpool, who beat them earlier in the season, and the McLeish Out campaign rumbles forward.

3.41pm: "The Tannoy announcer called United's goal as a 'stunning' strike," says John Ashdown at Bramall Lane. "It was actually a pretty dire attempt at a cross."

3.45pm: "It's the lead singer from Midnight Oil! Right?" says Joe Pearson. "What's he got to do with the FA Cup?" He's a member of the Magic Circle, that's why.

3.46pm: Boro manage to score against Wolves, through Afonso Alves if you're interested. Kettering are still holding Fulham - and a pretty strong Fulham side too.

3.58pm and a bumper John Ashdown report: "Half-time at Bramall Lane," says our man at Bramall Lane. "Pretty scrappy stuff in the main. United fans seem more interested with the news that Birmingham are losing in the Championship.

"Tannoy announcer, always a source of info here, has made a heartfelt plea to the fans. Apparently a young lad lost iPod on his last visit to the Lane. He's distraught as he spent all his Christmas money on it.

"Now I'm feeling a little choked-up so I'm off for a pie-floater in the press room."

Well? Which one of you has got the kid's iPod?

4.05pm: Charlie Nicholas reveals he went for a "wee break" during half-time, when pressed by Stelling he stonewalls and refuses to elaborate. Sounds like catastophic bowel failure to me.

4.07pm: More half-time activity news: "I was left with just a chicken balti for my lunch," writes John Ashdown. "Wish I had mints for second half." And to think this website has won international awards for its news coverage.

4.09pm: Charlie Nicholas shifts uncomfortably in his seat and tells us Birmingham have had a half-chance against Blackpool. "Doesn't a goal from Alves for Boro constitute the biggest shock of the day so far," says Lou Roper. "The odds on it must surely be higher than even a Kettering result against Fulham or one for Chelsea at home to Ipswich."

4.12pm: Clint Hill pulls a goal back to make it Watford 2-1 Crystal Palace. Elsewhere, Huddersfield lead League One super-predators Leicester City 2-1.