Being like this is so frustrating. It's like one crazy thing just builds on another. As soon as you get something under control and feel all happy about it, you find out that this breakthrough didn't work through the system, just the one personality. Frustrating. Right now there is no real host. We are kind of on cruise control and it's so weird. I have noticed, however, this this personality that seems to be the auto-pilot aspect of things right now, may well in fact be the new evolution of us. The reason I couldn't feel it is because it is very mild, meek, laid back, and just doesn't seem to let a lot get to it. Okay. Let's hope this is all a good thing. I suppose the less reactive we are, the better it is in terms of peace of mind, so if this is the case, then I am happy about it. Calm.

The thing that worries me a bit, however, is that I don't want this calm to be a nose dive into some kind of major apathy or flat affect. That won't do either. We'll see what happens. What I do like is that not a whole lot has a huge impact on us right now. Everything pretty much has that "been there, got the T shirt" kind of feel to it.

Disclaimer: Any words or phrases used in our posts are meant in a completely respectful manner. Please know that we always endeavour to be kind and supportive.

People, as you are more than well aware, anything is possible with being a multiple. One thing that I have become aware of is that I seem to spend a lot of time out as Fagan when she was around 17 to 19 years old. It's so frustrating to relate our identity to this age, and then having the outside world relate to us as our much, much older chronological age - an age which I cannot even begin to align with. When I see a group of teens, I feel this over-whelming desire to just walk over to them and say "Hey ... what's happening?", and start a conversation. But, then I remember that they aren't my body age group and they'll likely think I'm being nuts or pretending to be cool by making like I can actually relate to them or something. It's a whirlpool going on in my head right now. The evolution to the new host, and the continual coming out as Fagan.

The good thing about Fagan is that she has made a real friend with a mono-mind who knows we are multiple. She understands that Fagan is one of my personalities and she loves spending time with her. It's kind of weird, but it is also so cool to find there are individuals out there who are totally able to accept us as multiples and not be freaked out by it. Fagan's friend, Jeni, is such a special individual. We really do adore her. She was the one who made us comfortable enough to switch while she was around and have her be okay with it. She recognizes Fagan instantly by her mannerisms. I think that is totally cool. She does not relate to us based on our chronological age, but by which personality is out. I think the fact that Jeni has horrendous anxiety issues and is practically disabled because of it, makes her open to all sorts of possibilities in others. Thanks to Jeni, I came to realize that not everyone out in the world is something to be avoided, and that genuine caring loving people really do exist. I'm just very, very lucky to have found one.

So, whatever I morph into, I am learning slowly that it is best not to obsess about it or try and fight it. I'll just check in with myself once in a while and see who it is that's looking back at me in the mirror. My instincts are telling me that this new persona is indeed someone new. With the recent death of our mother, it has really caused us to free fall. For the first time in our lives the person who wholly depended on us to be their parent, their judgement, and their security is now gone. The chains are finally broken and the dog collar is gone forever. Since this event is so very recent, I simply need to have a little patience. I mean, I'm looking at a lifetime of captivity that has suddenly ceased to be. Adjusting our internal system to this new reality is something that I need to realize will take a little time. It will be extremely interesting to see what develops.

Disclaimer: Any words or phrases used in our posts are meant in a completely respectful manner. Please know that we always endeavour to be kind and supportive.