Wanting Ladies to Love Who They Are

Depression

Do you see that little girl looking out the window at the world? What is she thinking as she stares at the trees moving in the wind? Why is her eyes full of water? Is she okay or is she dying on the inside? From the outside shes looks to be about 8 or 9. But in truth she is a grown woman full of pain and anger. Shes looking out trying to figure out where things went so wrong in her life. How so many could claim to love her but continue to hurt her so. Was there something wrong with her? Absolutely not but that was a thought that haunted her all of the time. See we can look in at the life of others and think that life is great. But we really don’t know what is going on in the mind and heart of another. So we need to stop being so consumed with things that really shouldn’t matter and start opening our eyes to whats right in front of us. So many people are suffering from depression and thinking of taking their own lives. So when you see that fake smile on a persons face ask God to show the hurt hidden in their heart. What a difference you could make in the life of another if we could stop being so selfish with our time.

Yes, I understand that we all go through something but what I have learned is that when I’m going through there is another who is suffering worse than me. Everything that we endure in life is for the benefit of another. When will we stop being ashamed to tell our story raw and uncut? Granted there are some things that you may not want to share and I believe you should be guided on what to share. As for me I was purposed to share my story and not the story of another. A story that tried to break my very spirit but God would not allow my spirit to die! He has given me strength in my weakest moments. He has loved me when I couldn’t stomach loving myself. He has guided me when I lost direction. He has protected me when I placed myself in danger. See one thing we must understand that God is almighty but the choices that we make will have a negative or positive outcome. Then there will be things that happen to us that we have no control over those things you have to turn around in order to free someone else from the prison they live in. I have never claimed to know it all and there are things that I am still walking through but I do know that God didn’t spare my life for me to waste it feeling sorry for my suffering!! What will you do with your suffering?? Will you let it imprison you or will you set yourself free?

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.

This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.

I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .

However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.

This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.

I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from depression or what it even was. I lost my father at the age of 6 and my life was changed forever. I remember wanting to be like other kids with a mother and father in the home with me. As I was getting older I longed to have a father in my life. I missed it so badly that at times my body was in physical pain. Do you know what it’s like to want something so bad that it hurts? Really all I wanted was for someone or something to fill this void in my heart.

All in middle school and high school I had episodes where all I wanted was to be alone. These episodes would happen from time to time but I just thought I was going through some type of change. There were times when I was happy well at least what appeared to be me being happy. Writing was my way of coping with life. I use to lose myself in my short stories. Then I began to journal as a way to deal with the thoughts in my head. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotions and no one was there to save me. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on inside of me because I was afraid that people would think I was crazy. Rage at some point had taken over a big chunk of my life and I didn’t even know that it was happening.

After I gave birth to my son and he died I went into another state of depression. I was angry at God and the world. How could He take my son? Was I such a horrible person that my son had to be punished? I didn’t want to live anymore. I slept all of time and I was barely eating. Not taking a thought to the fact that I had a living child that I needed to care for. This was the first time that I sought help for what was killing me on the inside. Now begins my journey to recovery so I thought. Did I know it would be a 20+ yrs. road to recovery? Of course I had no idea!

There was a point in my life in 2007 when depression took me on the path to suicidal thoughts. I truly wanted to just die. I was feeling worthless and wondering what my purpose in this life was. I struggled as a single parent and at times things were overwhelming for me. I had a lot of past trauma that I was still trying to overcome. I recall one day when I had planned out how I would end my life. I knew that my grandmother and my mother would take care of my children, so I wasn’t worried about them. There was one person who always knew when I was fighting that demon called depression, my sister-in-law. I remember she confronted me about how I was acting and of course I denied where I was emotionally. She forced me to go to the doctor to get help and I did. The turning point was her showing me how I would destroy my girls if I did not get help.

If you have a love one suffering from depression please do not look the other way or act as if it’s not a problem. Some people don’t even know they are suffering from depression this is why it is important to know the signs. If you feel a love one may be dealing with depression talk with them it just may save their life.