Thoughts of late

Lately i have been having these thoughts. It happens to me ever few months and normally i dont reach out for help but since im part of a good community here i figured id share. I have tried sharing with my mom but last time i did she told me i was an idiot and shrugged me off. And she did that after she said i can tell her anything. But when im with fellow Atheist's i know its all good. Just wish were i lived more people were open about it and all. One time i tried to talk to a priest about how i felt and all he did was speak about god and i was like do u have anything other then god to say about and he just told me god would be my salvation. When im like this its like my life is a dream and i can do anything but when i try and i fail i dont understand it. And all of these feelings come from my past. I know i dont have the worst past but i also dont have the best past. There are people who have worst but we all have our weaknesses and this is mine. Most people would tell me to get over it but its hard for me to do because i cant get it out of my mind. I know i cant run from my past but it doesnt hurt to try to. If any of you have input on what i can do to make it so i can get the thoughts out of my head or to get over it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Join the military for a year (another possibility is the Peace Corps.)

It will be the worst, most uncomfortable, hellish experience of your life. After you are done, nothing will seem like a challenge ever again because nothing you will face in your long life after that time will ever seem particularly challenging. You will not be miserable ever again because you have established a baseline of the worst possible misery you could ever face. In fact, it is so miserable that an above average number of people actually commit suicide. To know how good you actually have it, you have to experience how bad life can be.

In addition, do you have any clue what so ever what a man uniform does to girls..? ;)

Iam not sure I can say anything to make you feel better, but I can at least reassure you that you are not alone in these feelings.

Just so you know I'm about to get all ridiculous and emotional here.... I will try to keep it short so bare with me for a minute...

I think the worst part about having a past that haunts you is you can never forget it. It's there scratching at your mind at all times and no matter how much you ignore it or think you've forgotten it something always happens to remind you that it is still there. A smell, a touch, even something as simple as a scene acted out on TV. Which is why I must make clear that running away is never an option, you can try to convince yourself of it as much as you want but it will always ends in faliure.

From the age of 7 - 16 I was preached to and at one point even convinced that if I just gave my past, my pain, all of it over to God than I could be free of it all. Just like that in one flawless swoop I could be, at the time I called it normal. But that was the biggest lie anyone ever told me and I told myself. God is nothing more than another tool used for running away from your problems. Of course you can do a great job of convincing yourself that "God" took it all away for you but then you spend the rest of your life living in a delusional state. I soon realized that in reality I wasn't dealing with anything at all. I was just running away from it and no amount of belief in God would make me better. I had to do that myself.

My best advice to you is not to run from it at all. Just face it, it's something that has and will continue to shape who you are. I understand it can be painful, trust me I really do but that is what friends are for. I know I am being a hypocrite in the next thing I'm about to say because I have spent three months trying to force myself to write about my past here with extreme difficulty. I am not even sure if I ever will but it is good if you can get it off your chest and talk about it. The more you do it the better you will feel and the easier it will become to deal with.

Well i can try all that. But i cant join the Military just cuz im not a fighter and the peace corps would be a good choice but i would lose people close to me cuz they need me in their life right now. I think what i really need is to move out of my moms house. I have many bad memories here and i always feel alone here cuz me and my mom have many issues. I normally feel better when im not at home and just at another persons house or just kicking it alone for a walk or something. Even when my mom worked an hour away and stayed there during the week i still felt the same. So once i get out of the house it should be better but i cant afford an apartment by myself when i make roughly 800 a month. If worse comes to worse i will just move to where my dad lives but then that would kill the life i have here with my friends and all. Its just all alot atm for me.

Ok, well that helps me understand your situation a lot better. You are a young person at the awkward stage where you don't yet have your own life by you can be a child at home anymore. I can't offer you much other than to say this period shouldn't last very long if you can start moving towards the goal of your own independence. Trying to find a second job, even if it means working 60 hours/week, will get you out of the house a lot more and should help. I'm not sure what you do for a living now, but if you aren't fussy there are usually plenty of crappy jobs out there - I am working those types of jobs right now myself and having a rather good time of it.

ATM im part time at Radio Shack and im slowly working towrds getting my certifications in computers and webdesign and where i live the market for that work sucks and i wanna move away to do it but the only issue with that is there are some people here that still need me and all and they are kinda helping me out by letting me talk to them and all. Lol. I try not to turn to drinking or drugs but vodka does help me out. Prolly doesnt help that i have insomnia and stay up late with these thoughts clawing at my waking conscious. But maybe it will work all out

It's great that you feel compelled to help other people but if it ties you to a situation that leaves you craving the sweet release of vodka then it's time to say 'fuck it' to helping other people. The help you are offering wont' be sustainable if you become dependent on alcohol to get you through the week. Getting some IT credentials will give you more options for exiting and I strongly suggest you take them. It can be spooky moving off to a new, strange town but I've actually forced myself to make a habit of it and I gotta tell you it is always an adventure.