Tori Spelling is having yet another child because her horny husband needs to fuck somebody. Her reality show profile is broke-ass cheated on wife with anxiety disorders and an arm still fried from going bushwhack on a Benihana hibachi. Makes sense to bring another child into this world to suckle on the left teat then travel ten paces to find the right. This isn’t like those Catholic women on my block growing up who were permanently swollen with new life like self-fertilizing arthropods. They were multiplying for Jesus. Tori Spelling has some weird fragile fame ego bullshit that needs to be fed. She’s got the cash to pay for a million kids. The bigger question is why doofus number one keeps agreeing to plug her with more offspring. You felt trapped at one kid, try five. You’re not getting alimony, dipshit. You’re paying it. Quick, calculate half of unemployed.

It’s hard to know what’s real about Tori Spelling. The ambitious but untalented souls who sell their lives into these reality show purposefully blur the line between fact and fiction. Who knows if her husband even banged some dward chick in Canada. Might be made up. Maybe she’s broke, maybe she’s got three million in her right front pocket. It’s all smoke and mirrors and chest cleft. There’s only one thing in this world you can count on as fact, the grill at Benihana is super fucking hot. You can’t fake the sizzle. Tori Spelling took an Easter tumble in the Benihana in Encino and landed forearm first on the smoking hot grill. Four sales guys from a Des Moines machine parts company started reflexively applauding. Those fuckers are in every Benihana. Tori was whisked to the hospital for skin grafts and a roots bleach.

Since everybody is going to ask, the baby in the photo is fine. Tori was fortunate he was there to help break her fall. He was only mildly concussed. Doctors say he likely won’t remember the incident though he may cower dramatically during the Dolphin Discovery show at Seaworld.

Reality TV works when you pair dullards in the audience with producers who lock down the leaks. Then somebody from the land of slightly sentient beings gets a thought, something like, if Tori Spelling is broke and evicted and can’t afford to fix her tit blobs, how is she living in a $30,000 a month beach house for the summer? Reality, right off the rails. Doubt creeps in and suddenly you’re wondering if her drunk unemployed husband is really banging babies into Canadian chicks or maybe he’s just drunk and unemployed and not even that interesting. Maybe Tori’s skull piercing open-gill shrieks about his infidelity and being broke and busted and out of options… could that be fake? I’d rather find out that the lunar landing was staged or that 9/11 was the result of a struggling Sbarro franchise owner calling his cousins to take out his restaurant and make it look inconspicuous. If reality shows are phony, what is left to believe in? This is exactly how Scientology creeps in.

I don’t care if it’s a request for basic bit of shtupping or some kinky ass shit she heard from a sex doctor on Sirius, you never turn down a woman. It’s like a Japanese sushi chef requesting you sample his signature roll. You turn that toro away and you might as well draw swords. Unlike men who dangle their cocks in the pond waiting for anything to latch on, women feel vulnerable when they initiate sex. If your girl nervously tells you it’d make her so hot if she could shit on your foot, you peel off your sock and tell her how much you love her. It’s unclear what kind of dirty whore olive branch Tori Spelling extended her husband Dean, but it wasn’t enough to keep him from banging drunk girls in his hotel room. Naturally, Dean has an explanation. Tori wouldn’t doink him the night before he left for Canada and he felt confused. And when an alcoholic gets confused, he drinks and screws whoever he can find in the bar. Which makes alcoholism seem pretty fucking neat. My natural tendency is to feel pity for the married man in these types of situations because I figure he’d just a horny bugger who’s lucky to get a peck on the dong once a year on his birthday. But, Dean sure seems like a supreme cunt. Despite her face resembling a dory out of water and her shrill voice transplanted from the haunted hallows of the damned, Tori seems stuck with a husband who likes to drink and fuck a lot more than say, help with the kids or pay the bills. If this show wasn’t almost entirely staged, I’d tattoo Team Tori across my shit foot.

Say what you want about Godzilla’s ability to level a CGI model city with his sheer bulk, he’s got nothing on Tori Spelling’s ability to make you shit your pants and choose flight over fight. In the promo for her reality show, Tori Has a Fucking Frightful Fish Face, Tori tears into her sobbing Canadian cracker husband for being a cheating substance abusing bastard. Not at all like the married man she started banging when she was also married so they could start populating the planet with their retarded bearded fish spawn. The shrieking shrunken apple head face on Tori will compel your man junk to shrivel up inside your thoracic cavity with no guarantee of return. It almost makes you want to excuse her husband for ditching her and fucking around. Let’s see, do I want a hummer in a hotel room with a random chick who thinks I’m the shit, or release the fucking house kraken and pray she doesn’t find me in the cabinet beneath the kitchen sink. But, no, his asshole readings are off the charts. Four kids into this and no job and that kraken is all you, dipshit.

The main theme of True Tori has been that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are trying to work through his infidelity and addictions so they can continue to have a good marriage and make enough money on TV shows so she doesn’t have to sell their crap to strangers anymore. In the latest clip for this awful show, Dean has been offered a chance to return to Toronto for the second season of Chopped: Canada, but that’s where he cheated on Tori in the first place. So he confides in his friend Wolf for advice on what to do, which is the second best thing they could have had him do, behind locking him in a cage with an actual starving wolf. Just throwing that out there for a ratings boost.