It's an ongoing quest.

December 19, 2015

12/19/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today was OK. I’m going to get right to some points, though. That party was boring. I went there to hear a particular DJ. I like his music. I had heard a song by him on the radio. You know what, I’ll post it below. It’s an awesome song ! Wait.

He himself played great music, so I enjoyed that part. Not many people came to the party.

I wasn’t drunk nor tipsy. I was 100% sober. I handled it well.

OK..now let’s talk about her.

I had first met her at a big party. We didn’t talk much. We didn’t talk at all really. I asked her for a photo and she did a cool pose. It was one of my best pictures that day. A little after that, I saw a picture of her in a popular weekly newspaper around here. “Hey, I know this girl” is what I thought. The second time I had seen her was at another big party. I pretended like I didn’t remember her from the first party. We talked a bit and I told her that I know her from seeing her in that publication. “Well, most people know me from my music” Is what she said. She told me that she was a DJ and I told her to give me her card. I took a photo of her hand as she dug in her purse. I may get ballsy and post that photo at the bottom here. After that I’m never posting photos on here again of my parties nor girls. I want to keep it at general snap shots.

The third time we met, I think it was at a pool party. I was drunk. I said “hi” to her. But then I kept jokingly blocking her male friends from talking to her saying something about “I’m protecting her” or something. I don’t remember what I said. But it was all in fun. We talked a bit there. Thinking back on that day, I think I told myself that I was forcing my friendship on to her and she may not want it. I sort of felt bad. I think I told myself that I’d stop and distance myself or something. I did make it seem like we were really close friends at that pool party though we barely know each other. She didn’t seem annoyed or anything that day, though. She did know I was drunk.

Summer was the last time I had seen her. But she was Djing tonight as well. I felt like she didn’t pay much attention to me or even remember me from the last time we talked, and I was paranoid about forcing my friendship onto someone who doesn’t want it. I was worried about creeping her out or something. So I didn’t speak to her or anything when I saw her. I danced, alone, and pretended to be in some kind of zone I guess. She looked at me multiple times. I glanced but didn’t stare. I just acted like we didn’t know each other. It could have went either way. We don’t really know each other, but we’ve seen each other enough. So she would DJ a bit and then get on the dance floor and dance and turn back and look at me. I would pretend I didn’t notice her. This happened several times in the night. She even walked pass me at one point, and I glanced at the floor. She walked in my area again and caught my eye and gave a big smile and danced with me to my rhythm a bit and said “hi”. She came in for a big hug and she gave me a soft kiss on the cheek.

“How are you, baby?” She said.

“I’m good. You?” I said.

She gave me a soft look as she looked me dead in the eye and said:

“Always amazing.”

She sounded so soft. I always wondered if she was a nice girl. She did seem so and I probably thought so, but now I know so. She’s not one of my crushes or anything. It’s just great to know that we’re actually friends, now.

My head is constantly fighting negative thoughts about who likes me or not. My real mom is schizophrenic, so I am sure it has something to do with that.

This is the first time I have come home sober like this. Tomorrow will be a different story, though 🙂

Today’s plan:

Wake up and work out–jump rope for ten minutes and do sprints around the block for ten minutes.

practice kicks and all punches. look up and review a grappling move.

Come home and change clothes

meditate, meditate, visualize.

go hiking and find your one shot since you didn’t do it yesterday.

come home, hot shower, olive oil and just relax–watch a movie or something.

Go to Danielle’s party since you didn’t go to her’s yesterday and then go to your normal party. Watch your dosage. Have a blast.

Take care Journal !

No more gas in the red
Can’t even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can’t even speak about it
All my life on my head
Don’t want to think about it
Feels like I’m going insane
~Rihanna – Disturbia