So far…

This was not the blog I planned on writing and I was so disappointed and upset to the point where I was going to skip it and write when I felt like I could talk about the blog I originally planned.

I so much wanted this blog to be about love, and not self love which I’ve been harping on and still believe that is a huge part of love in any capacity, but I wanted to talk about intimate love, the kind that gives you butterflies and when your phone goes off you can’t help but run to see who it is, the kind that the mention of their name puts a huge smile on your face and makes you daydream of the moments you spent together, the kind that gives a glow to your skin and gives you flashbacks to intimate times- if you know what I mean-

But this is NOT. that. blog.

This is about keeping hope alive even when it seems impossible, this is about knowing that destiny is going to treat you kind and your vision of love is going to be all that you dreamed it to be and more, this is about lovers scorned who fight every single day to stay in love and not let hate win or turn them cold, this is about loving yourself because that is the first way to show anyone how to love you.

I don’t have all the answers sway, but I do know it will work out. Maybe not like it does in the movies, or maybe it will.

I like watching videos or hearing stories of happy couples and how they found the love of their life. More importantly the advice of how they maintained that love.

It gives me hope.

Which is important because remaining opening after you’ve been broken is such hard work. Every day it feels like you’re just going through the motions. It is a literal fight within your mind everyday to not resort to being bitter or petty, . Its constant affirmations that you are fine, you are loved, you are worthy, you will get through this and you will be much better for it.

After I was broken I found myself questioning why?! Why is this happening to me? I couldn’t understand all these people telling me I’m beautiful, I’m such a strong, hard working, ambitious, independent woman, I set the standard, even the one who broke me told me I was who he compared everyone he dated to. Oh? Well why am I and why have I always been alone? If I am to believe everything people say I am- and I know I am– why hasn’t anyone taken a chance on me?- Very dangerous line of thinking because that my friends led me to a knock out cursing match with God and the universe. –

I literally sat, drank, and cried my heart out till my face was swollen, and cursed God because I just couldn’t understand, not even a test run?! 28 years and not 1 serious relationship or at the very least a test run?!

But lean not to your own understanding.

Sometimes while you’re sitting there thinking why is it happening to you, it’s happening FOR you.

After that fight with God and the universe I declared I would never let myself feel this way again.

The funny thing is, the next day I began to notice that people were coming to me, as if they were being sent to me, because the things they were saying were the very things I was cursing the night before about.

Someone was listening, I suppose.

I went back and had a much calmer conversation with God and the universe. Again because I realized it wasn’t happening to me, it is for me and whatever battle I’m being prepared for I needed to be much stronger than I am now. Let’s be honest the only way to get strong is to know weakness and the only way to change is to know growth.

Its uncomfortable and it hurts.

Will Smith talked about fault vs responsibility. –if you don’t follow him on Instagram you are doing yourself a huge disservice, he drops gems!– Remember it happened to you but its not your fault, it is however your responsibility of not letting it become you or define you.

Case and point: My father abandoned me. And I have been blaming him my whole life for doing that to me. I have subconsciously found him in every guy I have ever really cared for and they too have abandoned me. But it’s my responsibility to deal with that. It sucks. But I am the only one that can heal myself. Its my heart, not theirs –and when I say abandoned I mean just quit talking to me (I would insert “out of the blue” here, but I dont believe anything happens out of the blue, it happens for a reason unbeknownst to me) blocked me on social media, won’t respond to my texts as if I did something or there was a huge fight when it wasn’t—I also had to learn that the way they treated me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

I’m not here to bash my father, I love him. I have a relationship with him now and because that happened I have a better understanding of who he is as a person and I love that he took responsibility and corrected his actions from the past.

But that still didn’t stop me from finding men just like the person he used to be, why? Because I didn’t take responsibility for my own healing. Savvy? It’s not my fault that people abandon me the way they do for whatever reason they choose to do it. I can’t fix a problem you don’t share with me. I can’t point my finger at them and say it’s your fault fix it because that’s asking for them to take responsibility for my own healing. It is my responsibility to heal, take that hurt, learn and grow from it.

You’re the magician. Pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk. Knot after knot after knot…

Sometimes when we are hurting it’s easy for us to forget our worth. It’s easy for us to blame ourselves and think we have to fix what was broken. Love is about being your whole self and sharing that with another person who is fully whole themselves. Being happily content with who you are “Being 2 whole people on two individual paths, choosing to walk your separate journeys together… and finding and taking responsibility for your own happiness individually and presenting it to the other person”-Will Smith –I told yall GEMS!

“I believe love is about balance. 1st and foremost I believe you should fall in love with yourself and share the very best version of you with someone while also still giving yourself to you if that makes sense. Love is like a muscle that must always be fed nutrients and worked out, love is an endless journey that you agree to take with someone hoping that it won’t ever end but understanding the experience will take you both to new heights as well as through deep lows. When I love you I must be accepting of your growth and not content with your present. Just as you pick up on positive and negative energy I must be so in tune with you that I can pick up on your frequency waves as they move, I want to be able to hear your cry out when you hide it behind your smile. Love is understanding that to get to that point you must start it one day at a time with communication and interactions.”

A very special person to me gave me his definition of love, beautiful right? When he first told me this I was watching love fade between 2 people who used to be so in love, and I myself, was hoping love could grow with said special person. It gave me inspiration for a series I initially wrote, but life throws you and I landed here, hurt, broken, abandoned, but healing. –somehow I know this is exactly where I was supposed to be-. In a way I feel this post is about love. How complicated and all consuming love is. How love grows. How love fades. How love hurts, but we learn from it, heal and continue our search for it.

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I don’t know about anybody else, but the holidays have been draining for me- even though I was a self proclaimed Grinch seriously it was the first year I did not put up a tree and Christmas music was driving me insane! Lol- After gift shopping, holiday parties and celebrating the New Year I’m exhausted!

This year, like most, I have set some goals for myself; 3 specific goals. If you refer back to my very first video, I talk about keeping the goals to a minimum of 3 and elaborating on them. Too many goals split your focus or can become overwhelming-and I am already overworked! – try to do things to work toward your goals daily, weekly, and monthly. For instance, if your goal is to write a book; write a little each day, set a goal of a chapter a week by the end of the month you should have 4 chapters and that much closer to completing your book.

As I’ve gotten older, I have become a bit more private about the goals I set; they are very personal to me-and hello boundaries! – But I do want to share one I think everyone should be doing in some shape or form: Self Care.

Towards the end of the year things got super crazy for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. One thing that falls to the side when things get crazy is taking care of you. This is definitely a moment to be selfish. My grandmother always tells me you can’t take care of other people if you can’t take care of yourself. It starts with you. You can’t pour into other things if you’re empty. Self care is more about working on the inside rather than outside- but don’t get it twisted keep it cute on the outside too boo-

Creating a stress free environment and setting boundaries are definitely important steps for self care. I believe your job plays a major role in stress. I personally decided to make a role change at one of my jobs. I was an admin to a director which was great for my resume, but super stressful, not at all flexible and I was slowly becoming unhappy. I took a promotion to processing behavioral medical claims. Even though it’s considered a promotion I will be doing much less than what I was doing in my other role-which I am super excited for frees up time for me to do things I want to do- also, I was being constantly consumed by work thoughts that it was clouding my mind!

Your peace of mind is yours and yours alone! It’s especially important if you suffer from mental illnesses or disorders. After my last flair up with PMDD I decided that my peace of mind was most important. I practice meditation which I get into later, but I haven’t been incorporating those tools into areas of my life outside of the physical act of meditating. I think practicing mindful meditation would help with dealing with stress throughout the day. You should be protecting your peace of mind at all cost. –Boundaries people boundaries!-

So going forward in 2018 here are some things I am incorporating to help me protect my peace of mind and continue to work on my self care.

Meditation and Reading

I talk about meditation a lot in my blog, but it’s so good for you! After a meditation session I feel refreshed. I feel mentally relieved. –Like when you got to take a nap in kindergarten – it’s totally brings the focus back to the forefront. I do my meditation sessions at night right after doing yoga and sometimes during my breaks at work. However, it’s not something I practice constantly.

After the last PMDD episode I had, I found that I was having constant anxiety and mini anxiety attacks – and for myself I want to learn how to deal with it naturally vs. taking medication, that’s just for me– I researched ways to deal with the anxiety thoughts throughout the day and one of the things I found for practicing mindful meditation. Meditation is the act of clearing your thoughts; mindful meditation is the act of training your thoughts. So whatever I’m thinking about that is causing my anxiety, I’m training myself to be aware that I’m having those thoughts and redirect my thoughts to more positive thinking.

I read books… and I’ll read you if you try it!

Reading is another way I train my mind. I lovvvvvvveeeeee to read- I’m especially attracted to books about magic and wizardry– but I will read almost anything. Reading provides me an escape that nothing else does. –That feeling when you get caught up in a good book, it’s nothing like it! – I’m particular about how I read as well. I prefer physical books over reading on my phone or a kindle –and it’s something about the smell of a book– since I love to read so much I decided to create a space in my house that I could read.

So for 2018, I’m in the process of converting a corner in my bedroom into a reading nook. I’m getting a big comfy chair, pillows, and a comfy blanket, light, the whole 9. I will be sure to keep you guys updated.

Yoga and Exercise

Yoga and meditation go hand in hand. Practicing meditation is a part of yoga, which is why every session ends in a 10 minute meditation-but don’t you leave feeling relaxed and refreshed?!-

Exercising is just great for you period. –Do I really need to tell you all the benefits from exercising? – I will say I like to end a great workout in the sauna for 15-20 mins. If you have asthma like myself this helps your lungs after an intense workout. The sauna is great for colds/sinus as well. I also like to put a deep conditioner in my hair and sit in the sauna-yes with my bag on my head daring anyone to say anything! – But it’s so good for your hair and really helps the product work.

Nature

Hitting the gym is great but I prefer to run outside. Something about physically being able to see how far I’ve actually ran and see nature rather than the person’s butt in front of me or smelling that sweaty gym smell- you know what I’m talking about! – A walk in the park, a hike, walk a trail, ponder life at a stream, or bicycling around the city, fresh air is definitely another good way to clear your mind, focus on your thoughts, and gain some clarity.

Spa Day

Specifically a at home spa day- because we ballas on a budget over here! – I believe pampering yourself is essential. Manicures, pedicures, body butters, massage oils, massages, eyebrow threading, waxes, I need all of that. ALL. OF. THAT.

I do have a nail tech that I go to for my nails– shout out to Venus K. at Nail Lounge in the Boro! She keeps my nail in check- I also hit up the European Wax Center in Brentwood for any waxing I get done. Other than that I mainly do everything else myself. Yes that’s right, I have learned how to do my eyebrows and my own pedicures, every now and again if I’m feeling fancy I may go and get a pedicure done but I never let anyone touch my brows!!- I had 1 bad brow experience, learned my lesson, and taught myself!-

When I was younger I constantly made everyone in the house mad because I was a bathroom hog! I loved taking long hot bubble baths and listening to music- and you know singing along to all the songs- unfortunately we lived in a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house sooooo naturally if I was in the bathroom for hours on end no one else could use the bathroom –muahahahaha- As I got older and busier, I settled for hot showers over baths and occasionally took bubble baths. This year I am bringing them back! the goal is for 1 to 2 nights out of the week dedicated to a night of relaxation. A glass bottle of wine –or cherry juice– candle lit bubble baths with neo-soul radio station. –I mean how could you not?!?!–

Therapy and Journaling

In case you haven’t notice blogging is kind of like a therapy for me. Of course it’s condensed but none the less. Therapy helps me work through my problems the best. It’s a nonbiased opinion. My therapist suggested journaling because I have a hard time with my thoughts as far as tracking them or remember certain things especially if my anxiety has kicked up.

Thinking about something isn’t enough for me I have to get it out, write it down, and say it out loud, let my thoughts flow until I can figure it out or work through it. The longer it stays in the more it festers, the more toxic it becomes… –let that shit out–

Boundaries, self affirmations, living stress free, and protecting your peace of mind are so vital in the day and age. How someone treats you is what you allow and no one will treat you better than you treat yourself! Make sure you are at the top of your list because like I said you can’t take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself. So be selfish with you, your energy, your time, your attention.

What are some things you do for self care? Let’s talk about it!

Oh wait before you go, I have updated my closet on Poshmark and dropped some prices, you can download the app here and shop my closet- @lilvee08 or you can click the link on my home page titled “shop my closet”

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The latter half of 2017 was really rough for me, personally, spiritually, and mentally.

Words I would use to describe it; reckless, passionate, irresponsible, wild, unhealthy, unrequited, challenging, contradicting, and confusing just to name a few.

Since turning 28 I feel like I am stepping from a woman to a grown ass woman and all the universe is pushing me towards something. –has anybody else had this feeling before? Usually when I hear people talk about this it’s at the 30 mark, but baby I’m telling you I feel different!?

I’ve talked a lot about vulnerability, navigating and figuring out what worked best for me- and I’ve brought you guys along this journey as I figure it out– while doing some research, I came across some blogs that really brought some things into perspective. BOUNDARIES. Something that was so simple, yet very much needed. While figuring out being vulnerable I had to figure out what my limits are and what I will and won’t allow. Unfortunately, everything is trial and error and boy was it trial and error-and is still a work in progress– but ultimately it’s about knowing yourself and having standards.

Set the boundary, live the boundary, respect the fucking boundary. Boundaries teach people how to treat you. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that people will only treat you how you allow them to. Boundaries are not only important to have in your personal life, but in your dating and career life.

Dating

Having standards and boundaries while dating or in a relationship is very important. I’ve talked about my dating life –or lack thereof– before and how I’ve never actually had a legit boyfriend, I think the last time I had one of those was 8th grade? Does that even count? NO! Every since this “talking” or “we not together but we know what it is” phase it seems that people are more interested in that rather than having an actual relationship- I can go deeper into this on another blog, but for now I digress– while in high school and a bit of college, I too, dabbled in it – it’s very convenient for that period of your life– but damnit after 25 if you’re still on that move far away from me. I’m at the point now where I want something real, someone I can grow, build, and explorer exclusively with – not knocking anyone that prefers to “talk” or “be together with no title” I just realize it’s not for me, it’s too confusing and way too many open questions for me and if you read my last blog that’s just asking for a panic attack I don’t have time for that, but to each its own right?- I’ve been on a few dates in the past, but as I began to really analyze my dating life, I began to question do I really know how to date?

Dating feels hard confusing not fun right now. I’m the single friend, so getting advice from my girlfriends that aren’t dating like me was hard, so naturally I looked for reading material and articles online. I have read The Conversation by Hill Harper before, but the details were a bit foggy to me. So I took the dust off the book and reread it. I instantly remembered why I loved the book so much. I even made notes and highlighted areas the first time I read it. –I read this book when I got out of my last “we not together but together” relationship– I also came across a blog post on XO Necole which came back to boundaries. I loved the idea of treating everybody of the opposite sex like a friend until it’s crystal clear that they want something more. I could go deeper into this, but honestly the post says everything I would say, take the time to read it if you have the chance. Between the book and the article, it definitely put things in perspective and gave me some things to keep in my arsenal when it comes to this dating game.

Career

I’m always going to be very vocal about purpose and passion, I feel like I was dead before I found it. Its hard work when your purpose and passion don’t make you those coins to stay alive, however. I talked in a post about how unhappy I was in my job because the job itself is stressful and it was taking away from my purpose and passion, which I care deeply about. I decided for my sanity to take a step back out of management–although it’s considered a promotion– but it’s just a simpler job and it offers me more benefits, such as working at home. Your job is such a huge chunk of your day, you should be happy doing whatever it is right? For someone like me it’s a means to an end, but I also need to be happy and not stressed doing it so I am able to do my passion and purpose. It’s a fine balance to it. It’s a boundary to it.

I follow Halfietruths’ blog -and honestly if you don’t you should, she’s amazing!- and she did a video over boundaries, where she talks about what boundaries are, why to have them, and how to set them. One of the things she talks about in the video is how setting boundaries protects your energy, which for me is why boundaries are so important for me right now.

I’ve always been very open about suffering with PMDD– I will be doing a video on this soon so keep an eye out- Fortunately for me, I know I’m very sensitive to hormones, so taking birth control with hormones in it, Plan B, or anything with added hormones will trigger a “crazy” lady – seriously shit gets REAL!- So setting boundaries helps protect this very important space for my sanity.

It’s also so important for you and others to respect the boundaries you set. I’ve been guilty of setting boundaries and then going back on them to please someone or to please myself.-temptation is a bitch am I right?– How confusing is that right? If I show I don’t even respect the boundaries or standards I set, how the fuck am I supposed to expect someone else to respect them?

Going into 2018, I challenge everyone to really get to know who you are. We are ever evolving beings and we are constantly changing and one day you look up and you realize you don’t know who you are anymore. I challenge you to be the best version of yourself daily. I challenge you to find you purpose and your passion and go for it, but live in the moment and enjoy the journey. What is living if you’re not having any fun? Have fun. but also RESPECT THESE FUCKING BOUNDARIES with positive vibes only.

Let’s talk: What are some boundaries you’re setting for yourself in the New Year?

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Hello, my name is Veronica and I’m an over-thinker. I haven’t always been this way or maybe I have and I’m just now fully aware of it. I find if I am having a PMDD (which you can read about HERE) episode my over –thinking can kick into high gear or during times of high stress I can find myself questioning everything.

In this blog, I am going to be talking about ways I have learned to deal with my over-thinking- which I have now accepted as a part of me–

It wasn’t easy getting to this point, honestly still a work in progress. Here are the things I have found help me the best.

1. You have to learn to be ok with questions you’ll never get the answers to.

This one was a big one for me, especially during a period of rejection or dating. I’m constantly trying to figure the situation out. Beat the game before it can beat me, but life doesn’t work that way. I had to learn to let it flow, be present in the moment, and let it work itself out – I recently learned this lesson by causing myself all this confusion by over-thinking the situation when the answer was simple, I don’t need all the answers let it flow naturally, but hey I’m only human– I tend to ask questions to the point of insanity for some people. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that I’m not the person you take to the movies, I know we are both seeing the movie for the first time; however, I will ask questions. I ask questions even if it’s a movie I have already seen.- It’s pretty ridiculous.- I like to know things fully before I give all of my attention to it, which I find to be a positive thing, but rather than being present in the moment and letting it flow, ill question it to death. I’m learning to silence the thoughts by practicing mindful thoughts and countering them with positive thoughts-not saying my thoughts/questions are negative, but they can drive me to the point of insanity.

2. You will have to work hard to change your thinking

This was also another gem I recently discovered. Your thoughts control your actions and reactions to situations and the way you perceive things. Over-thinking can make you think things are one way when they aren’t and vice versa. I’m a Libra, so I try to see situations from all sides. I try to put myself in the shoes of others and see things from their perspective. Sometimes this creates more questions because I can also see it from my perspective. I can literally flood my mind with thoughts and it’s not even that deep. In times where I’m dealing with rejection or some sort of “loss”, if you will, I have to constantly train my mind to go from over analyzing to words of positive affirmations, because I can be my own worst critic.-but hey aren’t we all?

3.Write it out!

Rapping, writing, poetry, song writing, listen whatever form you have to use to work it out use it! Journaling for the win “What you reveal, you heal”-Jay Z (and some others I’m sure) but it’s true. How can you heal from something if you’re not willing to reveal it? Not reveal it in the sense that you have to declare it to the world, but to yourself. Sometimes we will deny our own truths or suppress them thinking that if we ignore them we’ll get over them. –Boy are you wrong– all you’re doing is giving it power to fester. Would you get shot and not have it checked out? Would you find out you have cancer and just ignore it thinking it’ll go away if you act like it’s not there? No. So why would you deal with your problems like that?! Therapy works, but if you really don’t want to share express it some way, better out than in.

4. Distract yourself

Constantly over thinking, over analyzing, dwelling is not healthy for the mind, clear it out and focus that energy on self. In times of rejections, break-ups, self doubts, and life’s little curve balls will throw over-thinkers, like myself, into overdrive. We are determined to figure out why? What happened? How can I fix this? What can I learn from this? How can I make this better or change it to my favor? The answer is simple: you don’t. Let’s circle back to #1, You have to accept that you don’t have all the answers. You HAVE to let it flow. How does an over-thinker let it flow? Starve that part that you’re dwelling over, distract yourself. Something I learned from baseball, when the pitcher is getting ready to throw the ball he focuses on where he wants the ball to go, he feels the energy flow through ball, he twist it in his hands, gets it ready to throw, and just before he gets into motion he looks away. There’s a study that says for perfect work productivity you work 52 mins and walk away for 17 mins. You have to stop thinking about it, to think about it. –Crazy I know– I have found that I have figured more out while not thinking about it than I did overt-thinking it. I have found that by distracting myself with meditation, yoga, getting outdoors –because I work 24/7 365, its very important to stop and get fresh air– dance, reading, working on my craft, music, coloring- yes this helps– exercising, and becoming my best self has helped me more than constantly mulling over a situation. Once I find myself completely distracted I somehow have an “ah ha” moment.

5.Appreciate the “ah ha” moments

Sometimes you have to go through it to grow through. That last sentence was an “ah ha” moment within its self. Be careful with the “ah ha” moments. Sometimes they can throw you back into thinking about a situation. “Ah Ha” moments are beautiful when they happen. They make you appreciate everything you went through to get to that moment. More so because it allows you to finally see why you had to go through that situation. Leveling up, struggle moments, moments you feel like you’re being tested, they mean something in the long run. It’s important to appreciate them for what they are, but don’t let them drive you back down the road of questioning everything.

These 5 tips have helped me tremendously, but like I said before definitely a work in progress. This is probably something I will always have to work on, learning to be quite and realize I don’t need the all the answers especially because time reveals all.

Are you an over-thinker? Comment below some of the things that help you be still in calm your mind. Let’s talk about it!

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Why do we as humans suffer in silence? We all act like we have to walk around like everything is fine 100% of the time. I believe this is why suicide rates are so high. Mostly because we as humans care about what other people think. –yes you too Linda stop trying to act like you don’t!– whether it’s your man, your crush, your friends, strangers, we all like to put on this front like we have it all together when actually I know not 1 person that has a “perfect” life –can we pause on that what is perfect? What is normal? These are both terms that only you can define for yourself, but I digress–

We all want to put on this facade instead of reaching out or being afraid to admit we’re hurt. –hello social media

I asked a question on my Facebook “Which is worse pretending like we don’t care or wearing your heart on your sleeve?”

Overwhelmingly, everyone agreed that pretending like we don’t care was worse. I can’t say I’m not surprised by this answer, but I am surprised that we stillact the opposite.

I’ve been talking a lot about being open -you guys this shit is probably the hardest thing emotionally I’ve done, but here I am and here we go– I thought by being open and allowing the universe to bring positive vibes I would reap great rewards-foolish girl– vulnerability is hard. Transparency is hard. You’re opening yourself up and saying to a person this is truly who I am, like me or leave me. Most will leave you, some will like you, you just never know what you’re going to get.

The tricky part is when you really care for someone and you trust them with your feelings and you show them and they leave you. Now you out here wide open left with all these feelings and emotions and nowhere to put them and you regret being open. There’s beauty in the pain. It hurts, but there’s beauty in knowing that at least you laid it out there. Now what do you do with all these emotions and feelings? There’s no suitcase to pack them in and store for later!

I am a natural writer. The notes on my Iphone are so full because I literally found I have to write everything down in my head so that I don’t feel so cluttered. –and also so I don’t forget an idea– I found what works best for me is to write letters.

Sometimes you have to write them letters they will never receive.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

Sometimes you need to say the words they are never going to hear.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

Sometimes you need to tell them how you feel even if they are never going to feel it.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

We are like vaults. We unconsciously hold things inside and carry it around never putting it into the universe. That’s a toxic way to live don’t you think?

When I began my journey on being open, I really didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. Boy I had no idea what I was manifesting. But I was harboring some deep shit! Here’s the first lesson I learned immediately upon turning 28, you can’t “be open” and hold it in. It doesn’t work like that.- Now, as I’m typing this I’m sure somewhere on my page is a blog where I’m telling you how to really know if you’re over a situation. I should re-label that how you THINK you know you’re over a situation lol.- 28 was brought in with some big ol crocodile tears, and not for such the joyous occasion it should be, but for the letting go I so desperately needed to do.

Here’s the thing, how do you let go? I think that looks different for everybody. I would love to tell you how to figure it out, but up until right before I typed this blog I thought I had let it go and figured it out, but guess what?! You know nothing Jon Snow! I figured the best way at that moment- and to stop the tears– was to work through it. As I stared out my window sobbing and talking to the universe and God, I decided to write. I decided to write letters. I tried to pinpoint exactly what or who these tears were for and I wrote to them- honest, no sugar coating, letters-.

I wrote them letters I never plan for them to see. Something about seeing it on paper cleansed my spirit. Now, I’m not going to sit here and lie and say I felt 100% better. The more I wrote the harder I cried because some of the letters I wrote required an action I wasn’t prepared for; letting go. I needed to remove some people from my life. Not because their bad people and they were hurting me, but because I loved them. They say if you love something you’ve got to let it go and if comes back then it means so much more… but if it never comes at least you know it was something you had to hold on to grow. I always thought letting go meant it had to be toxic, but sometimes letting go means love, the best kind of love you can give is setting someone free.

Now after the letters were written and the tears have dried, I took all that energy, love, and time into me. –yes girl right back into myself. – Because no one can love me better than me! When I started this journey and 28 was approaching, the year felt different. –again this is my magical year I feel it- I am changing and with that change comes getting to know myself just a little better. I am being prepared.-remember positive vibes only!

What are some things you do to let go?

And when you do what are some things you do with the left over energy?

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It’s my birthday! A year of growth behind me and a new year of learning experiences ahead of me! I’m so excited to go in this journey. I always thought 28 was my mystical magical number. When I was younger it was the number I said I would keep forever whenever I was asked my age-true story– I feel like at 28 you know yourself now more than ever in your 20s. –Let me explain– in my experience my 20s have been nothing but one learning lesson after the other. It has been a struggllllleeee girl! I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted to be or do, I felt like for the most part, my 20s was this big black hole of not knowing. Add to that making huge mistakes and having to learn to deal with them. My 20s was pretty much like just figure it out. I wouldn’t change any of it though because everything led to this beautiful point: self awareness.

What a beautiful thing it is to actually know one’s self, to be confident in who you are, to proudly say this is who I am, like it or leave it I really don’t care either way! I know what I want to accomplish-might not know how to get there but at least I have purpose, right? – I know what I will and won’t accept from life, I just know! Boom that’s it. For so long it felt like I was walking through a dark hallway, no direction just literally figuring it out as it came to me- it’s a horrible feeling, but maybe it’s necessary-

“Rock Bottom is the solid Foundation on which I Built my life.”

Shit just got real

25 was a rock bottom year, I spoke about this in a past blog, but never really felt comfortable talking about everything I was going through.-however if you’re a loyal reader, then you know I was in a dark place-. I suffered the loss of a pregnancy, the loss of a friendship that I loved dearly, and the loss of financial freedom by having to file bankruptcy. 25 was hard, a lot of pain and tears. Most days were a struggle to make it out of the bed, but thank God for family.

26 was a faking it till you make it year. 26 I literally picked myself up and started to figure it out. I made affirmations and goals. I planned for things I wanted to accomplish, I found my purpose. 26 seemed to go by very quickly. It was definitely a transition year.

27 was letting it all go and working on a foundation again. 27 taught me a lot of things. I call 27 my year of rebuilding. Now that I knew my purpose I began to work really hard at it and made strides. I also really began to understand myself. I feel like before 25 I had this idea of who I was, but I didn’t really know or to be clearer I had this idea of how I wanted the world to perceive me but I didn’t really know who I was. I feel like everything that happened after 25 got me to this point of knowing who I am, what hurts me, what angers me, what energy I wanted to entertain, and what kind of man I desire to have in my life.

Now that I’m moving closer to my 30s, I feel like I’m moving toward my best life. So often I hear people say that your 30s are the best time of your life and I’m inclined to believe them simply based of the feeling I have about moving into 28. I can see the light appearing in the tunnel getting brighter. It’s not full rainbows and sunshine but it’s not all darkness anymore either.

I always give my birthday a theme. Be Open.

I watched a movie called ‘Love by the 10th date’. It was one of those lifetime movies where its cheesy and predictable, but it got me to look into my own life and I realized that I’m very open minded but I’m not a very open person. If something doesn’t appear how I think it should or doesn’t meet my expectations, initially, I shut it down. I’m especially bad at this when it comes to relationships, or just getting to know someone. I don’t know how to just have fun and enjoy the ride. I’m either all the way turned off or all the way ready to jump in-I hate being in the gray! Watching this movie I had an “ah ha” moment –hell typing this paragraph I had an “ah ha”moment- this is all a self defense mechanism. Rather than letting myself experience it, I try to figure out a way to protect myself before it can even go wrong by finding something wrong- and chile that’s just not living! – Or I get incredibly invested way too soon and scare the person away- in my defense though it’s incredibly rare if you can actually get me to like you!-

I’m not just applying this to my dating life, but in all aspects. I want to be open to all this beautiful universe has to offer me. Positive vibes only though!

What are some things you find yourself closed off to? What o you feel you could be more open to? Let’s talk in the comments below!

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I’ve been feeling full. Not in the “I just ate a great meal and I’m about to float off into the itis” full- which I would have gratefully preferred-. My soul has been full of negative energy. I couldn’t figure out what I could’ve done or opened myself up to, to suck in all of this negative energy.

Ok that’s a lie, I have been working on opening myself up to be vulnerable and alive. What I didn’t realize was I was also opening myself up to negativity.

Our environment can greatly affect us, in the best and worse ways, which left me to look at only one source: work. I work all the time-I may have taken Kevin Gates lyrics way too serious– but one job was becoming so toxic I was letting it affect other areas of my life.

I didn’t even realize I was picking up the energy and carrying it with me, but I’m sure my subconscious realized something was off. I randomly began to say while at work, “I refuse to talk about this, I don’t need that negative energy in my life.” and I would close my eyes and take a quick inhale and long exhale.

I noticed I was saying it all the time to the point where I was very aware every time I said it. Not only that, but I began to slowly and firmly put my foot down and stand on what I was saying and not letting anyone sway me on my decision and then there was the obvious; I just blatantly stopped giving a fuck.

The more it happened, I began to feel clearer and the clearer I became the more apparent it was to me that it was time for a job change or to make a change in the job. The job was dulling my creativity.

I put my creativity above everything. My creativity is who I am. I have to be able to express myself in whatever medium that may be, I know that I am not Veronica or LilSis without my creativity, without the ability to unapologetically express myself. To leave it all on the table and be proud of what I just did. And this job indeed was not providing me that comfortability because I was so consumed with the toxic part all I was pouring out was the negativity and a horrible attitude it was pouring into me. Instead of being empty and allowing the universe and ideas flow to and through me, I was eating everything negative and projecting out attitude and disdain.

Now, with that being said I know what you all are wondering, did you quit the job? As much as I would love to say yes! I laid it all out on the table, let them have it and chucked the deuces!!! I like my bills to be paid on time and a roof over my head. So if there was no way around it, I had to learn to work through it. Rather than allowing myself to become extremely upset and carry what ever happened at work with me, I chose to look at it through different lenses, a comical one if you will. this was a job, not my career, not my passion, not my main focus, just a means to pay my bills so that I could focus on my passion and purpose- cause lets be honest its all just work until my passion and purpose step in and make me millions–

The key is to be choosy on what you allow yourself to be open to and how you react to it.

Not every cause deserves a reaction. That is something I learned in anger management. –see therapy does help!– Sometimes the best response is no response at all. It takes a certain level of maturity to reach this, however. Once I figured out how to control my reactions to the situation and not focus so much energy on it, I began to feel a little better. I had to tell myself this job is not the important thing here, my acting is, my blogging is, the things that I am passionate about, the things that feed my soul that’s what’s most important. I had to learn to stop caring about the things that didn’t feed me or only took away from me because they were turning me into a bitter mean person.

I did, however, purge. In order to replace the negative energy with positive energy I had to empty all the negative out. I sat and wrote a very detailed email to my leadership and sent it with a prayer that hopefully –faithfully– everything would get better and if not for me at least for the next employee that takes the job. -and let me tell you guys it was an instant change in energy! 5 mins before the email I was ready to leave the job and hustle to find better, but once that email was sent it was like a weight lifted off of me and my soul was no longer anchored! I immediately felt the positive energy radiate through me!

What are some things you focus on that do not serve a purpose in your life? What are some things that take up way too much space in your soul that you can purge? Leave them in the comments below! Lets Talk About It!

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Hey there! If you’re new to the blog, Welcome! If you are returning because you just can’t get enough, I’m sure you have noticed some major changes. Initially, when I started this blog, I did it for the love of writing and sharing my thoughts because I wanted to make connections and hopefully what I was sharing was reaching someone and it helped- that’s what life is about right?- but I found myself holding back and not being as transparent as I wanted to be. I also didn’t like my house (blog site) it needed a major facelift and feel more like me- which was really important to me if I was going to take this huge leap with being more transparent, I had to feel comfortable in my space.

It was because of those reasons above that I hit a block. I wasn’t motivated to write anymore. So, I started this long process of really investing in myself.

I was also in a place in my life where I thought I knew who I was and everything changed, evolved, if you will. I could always see this spark inside me just waiting to burn brighter, but I wasn’t sure how to unlock it. I’ve been taking acting classes –which I recommend to anyone even if you don’t aspire to act, it’s seriously like a class on just being the best version of yourself– it’s really helped me learn more about myself and my emotions. I saw that spark starting to grow into a fire. Now, acting is a passion of mine so this could be me feeding my passion, but once this spark started growing all these ideas started flowing in my head. So much so that I had to start carrying around a note book to keep up with them!

I always had a pretty good idea of who I was just from the perception other people had put on me, but was that who I really was? I also felt like I was pouring all these emotions out, but I was empty. And I couldn’t give what I really wanted to because I was very empty. Not saying that anything I was doing was inauthentic, but it was just the surface.

At job interviews, there’s always that one question they ask, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I would always give some bullshit answer because I needed the job. While going through this growth, I went on a job interview and was asked that exact question; I started to give my prepared, generic, best basic answer, and realized this is not what I want to do. Even in my daily job, I began to see this is not where I see myself retiring. I realized I had a very clear vision of the life I wanted and I was deliberately avoiding it. Which is funny because the thing that made me happy was hard so I avoided it, but the thing that was bringing me misery I was doing every day and complaining about it

– like oh no baby what is you doing?!?!-

I always thought if you were living in your purpose and doing what you were called to do it would come naturally and be easy. Everything would make sense, doors would open, and it would be like why haven’t you been doing this all along?! WRONG! I have said in previous blogs that I had a very crystal clear vision of what my purpose was and I took steps to walk in that purpose. When I initially started walking in my purpose I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, I was super uncomfortable, and I felt like I was in way over my head. Nothing was coming easy, not all doors opened and everything felt so unnatural. I struggled A LOT and my self doubt kicked in to overdrive. So much so that I thought about quitting. I thought I’m not cut out for this, maybe this isn’t what I should be doing. The moment I thought about giving up I was overwhelmed with tears and I was depressed. My mother told me, if that could make me this upset I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. God- or whatever/whoever you believe in– will test you, he will shake the ground, make it steady, then test you again. It’s up to you how you want to take the test. Oh the irony of this conversation! Earlier that day, I had a very open conversation with my coach. She also told me that the universe – or God– is trying to push me in a direction that I’m trying my damnedness to ignore because its difficult and hard and I don’t want to do the work. But she also told me that I had a lot of potential and that if I do the work I would be the person I’m so desperately trying to avoid.

Why do we avoid becoming who we are destined to be? That’s the story line for every great character right? They spend the whole movie avoiding their destiny and when they finally tap into it the world opens in ways they couldn’t have possibly imagined. If the end is going to turn out that way every time, why do we do our damnedness to avoid it? Maybe because we feel we are inadequate? Maybe because we don’t really believe in who we are? Maybe because somewhere along the way the world told us we weren’t special enough. Whatever the case may be, it’s time to change our way of thinking!

So guys this it me. Unapologetically me, promising not let your perception be my reality, and to be my best authentic self every day. Promising to change the way I view myself and start believing more in me,- because I’m a pretty awesome person. Promising to not let the negativity of the world into my soul and tear me down, or tell me what I should or shouldn’t be, or how I should or shouldn’t act, or control who I am and what I believe. I will be still in my moments and have joy every day. This isn’t a new me, this is just a version of me without fear driving the bus!

So is fear driving your bus and if so, are your ready to take the wheel?

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So lately in my blogs, I have been talking about being overwhelmed, overworked and stressed out. After I had my mental break I decided to put my health first-because I believe in doctors, but not all medicine is good medicine. There were some things I did when I had more time, in the past, but I have let some things go due to not having enough time- but as the saying goes, you make time for what you want. Being that I’m struggling with high stress and bad sleep habits I had to change and QUICK! So I want to share with you what I do to reduce stress and what helps get me the proper amount of good sleep.

Organic Tart Cherry Juice
Organic tart cherry juice was introduced to me, from a dear coworker, after I explained that I felt like I was sleeping, but not resting, I could not get settled down enough to go to sleep on time. Let me tell you guys this is the stuff of miracles! It gives you the mellow feeling that comes with wine without the alcohol. I had tried melatonin, however I would wake up irritable -I didn’t like it and I’m sure people I encountered didn’t either. It does have a tart taste, hence the name, but I love tart, sour foods so I love it. Plus it has some wonderful health benefits, along with giving you a better quality of sleep- it helps me fall and stay asleep- it regulates metabolism, and helps muscles repair after a workout. It also boosts your immune system! This stuff saved my life, and spared a few people’s feelings!

Cardio and the Sauna

Speaking of muscle recovery, I have only recently started getting back into exercising. I notice a major change in my overall being when I consistently work out, Keyword consistently-because I start and stop and start and stop a lot and it really hurts me more than helps when I do that- but when I do it consistently I feel great throughout the day, and my energy levels go all the way up -Fat Joe voice- I mainly stick to running- because honestly when I incorporate weights I suddenly hate the gym, baby steps baby steps- also I have asthma and running helps build my lungs and airways. After a good run, I loveloveLOVE to get in the sauna. 20 minutes with just me and my thoughts, it’s so relaxing to me, I cannot explain it. I feel ten times better plus it helps with the soreness.- Bonus, I also get my stretch in while I’m in the sauna so it’s almost like hot yoga, if you will.

Bedtime yoga/stretching

Speaking of yoga, if I can’t make it to the gym for my workout and that lovely sauna, I will take 10-15 minutes before I go to bed, after drinking my cherry juice, I will do yoga and stretching. I will do common stretches to warm my body up before I go into the yoga poses. There’s a couple of poses I do routinely to limber up and calm me down. I stay in a pose for at least 30 seconds. The fun part about this is you can do it all using your bed-say what?!- Yes girl, the bed is my yoga mat! So when I’m all done I go straight to bed. Yoga is beneficial for insomnia and sleep problems. This coupled with my cherry juice-I’m telling you guys it is AWESOME!-

Meditation

If I have learned anything in acting class, it’s to always focus focus FOCUS! It’s the first thing and most important thing of acting. How long can one focus though? My attention span is very very short, I’ve learned- worse than the dog in the movie Up. Squirrel! – Meditation has allowed me to clear my head and really focus on keeping it that way for I’m almost at 10 minutes now.- I know 10 minutes doesn’t sound like a lot of time, and sounds very easy, but trust me its sooooooo hard! especially for an over thinker like me.- I like to do this at the end of my bedtime yoga or when I’m in the sauna- and sometimes in the middle of a busy work day- I usually lay in the middle of my bed, eyes closed, feet together spread eagle, and my palms facing up. It’s the most refreshing feeling to just not think about anything and focus on the breath, especially for someone who is constantly stressing.

Reading

Like meditation, reading requires a lot of focus. However, if it’s a really good book I can get lost in the words and it’s not like I’m reading at all. I like reading as a hobby, but the plus to it is its works as a stress reliever because I get to forget whatever it is I have going on in my mind and get pulled into this other world. I always gravitate towards magic, witchery and other worlds –fantasy- but every now and then I’ll pick up a book that is just dealing with real life and drama –and it’s not mine! Ha!- the added plus to this is you get to actually learn while distressing.

These small changes take me from barely making it to feeling like i can conquer the world! Give these tips a try and let me know if they change your life in the comments below!

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I am an introvert at heart. I enjoy having fun and being social, but as much fun as that is, it’s also draining. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy being in my own world with my quirky little habits. I enjoy dancing around my house in my underwear singing at the top of my lungs eating ice cream straight out of the tub.When this past year started, I had so many goals I wanted to accomplish. I’m usually the person that makes New Year’s Resolutions, but a month into the New Year; I completely blank on or forgot about those resolutions. –I have been trying to lose 30 pounds for 3 years -_-. Going into 2016 I really want to check some stuff off my list and I did, but once my list was getting checked off it only made me want to add more. This is where the balancing act came into play.

Balance.
Life is like a game of juggle sometimes. You juggle your needs, wants, career, and sometimes the curve ball life throws at you. You can become so focused on the game that you begin to lose sight of life and being in the moment. You become so focused on the act of juggling, that it’s routine. The game isn’t fun anymore, and now your body has the instinct and naturally knows how to juggle. So much so, that you can juggle with your eyes closed. The fun is now replaced with stress. Your arms are getting heavy, but you are focused. You are not going to let any of the balls drop. Your eyes are weary. Your body is giving out, but you are so determined to complete your task you ignore the signs. Until one day, you drop a ball. And like a snowball effect, all the balls fall. Your body has reached its limit. And you’re out the game. Mentally drained and physically exhausted.

Relaxation.

I had to take a step back. Mentally and physically I had no choice. I’m used to working 2 jobs 64+ hour work week, 7 days a week. I’m used to never pursuing things I want for myself. I changed that in 2016. I explored hobbies, I found my purpose, and I pursued my dreams, all while maintaining 2 jobs 64+ hour work week, 7 days a week. –talk about juggling! One morning I woke up, and physically could not move, work was not an option. I went to the doctor for her to tell me I was exhausted and I had a few vitamin deficiency and she gave me a mandatory 2 days off- which doesn’t seem like much, but it was very much needed to someone who only gets holidays off-

Thank God for friends. I took a trip to my friend’s lake house and got some much needed relaxation. While there in the middle of nowhere I found a little bit of restoration and rejuvenation.

Realization.

We as individuals can be so hard on ourselves. Something inside me wanted to achieve so bad, which can sometimes be a good thing, but at what cost? I compare myself to my role models, people I aspire to become. If they can do it, what’s stopping me? I live by “You have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé. Get shit done.” Not a bad motto when you are Beyoncé and you have a team of people helping you to achieve your goals and dreams. I’m just one person. The actor, the cameraman, the editor, and the news reporter on my own story.

Re-invention.

Going into this new year, let’s change up the way we do things –New Year, new me, who dis?- I had the concept right last year,3 goals, break those goals down into months, then weeks, then days. Work on them each little by little until the goal is complete.-I even made a video about it, see below or click ⇒ here – Sounds logical right? Until life happens and then what goals? Implementation is key right? Creating the goal and starting the goal is the easy part, actually following through and completing the goal that’s a completely different ball game- that I haven’t even made the team for, OK!-One of the things I find that hinders myself from completing the goal, is my mindset. If you think positive you stay positive, if you think this is going to fail, it will fail, if you think negative well you get what you think.- see where this is going?

I have to constantly check in with myself once those feelings arise. I self-doubt, A LOT. Any form of art, you’re leaving yourself vulnerable. You’re literally taking something that is very special to you, something that took, hours, days, months, and years to make and then you present it for the world to see and not everyone is going to like it- that you know- but you are just hoping it is received well. You hope that it was received in the light that you made it in. As a writer, everything I publish is my baby, so I’m very protective of it. I struggle with writing sometimes because I can get a bit too personal. I’m very proud of what I write, I know it helps sooo many of you. Knowing that should be enough for me to keep going right? WRONG! I began to doubt that what I have to say is not very important. But isn’t it? That’s where I have to check myself. Ok, I’m feeling self-doubt. But that’s my own fear not allowing me to be great and fear and faith can’t reside in the same place. I have to literally tell myself out loud I am more than this. I am better than this someone out there is depending on me. I check that emotion and I continue on my way. Dreading going to work? Check that emotion, if you think it will be a shitty day guess what? It will be a shitty day! Humble yourself. Do you know how many people would kill for that very job so they can have that income?! It’s all about retraining your thoughts. As soon as that thought comes in CHECK THAT SHIT!