How To Survive Election Night On Social Media

Election Day: Sure, it's a time to celebrate Democracy and champion the freedom of our modern electoral process. But far more importantly, Election Day is also a prime opportunity for Facebooking, Tweeting, getting Retweeted, gaining Twitter Followers, getting a bunch of 'Likes,' and all those other important things that provide our lives with genuine, lasting fulfillment.

To help guide you through the treacherous waters of Political Tweeting and Facebooking, here's a list of The 10 DOs And DON'Ts Of Surviving Election Night On Social Media. Please read, enjoy, and most importantly, Facebook-Like the SHIT out of this post when finished.

1. DON'T: Read Your High School Classmates' Facebook Updates

You KNOW one of them's going to piss you off, then you'll spend 20 minutes writing a long angry response to someone you forgot existed six years ago, then you'll decide not to post the comment, but you'll Control-X it instead of deleting it because you miiiight reconsider after another beer, and this cycle will repeat indefinitely throughout the remainder of the evening / your life.

2. DON'T: Retweet The Inevitable Election Parody Accounts

We all know that a barrage of really forced Election-themed parody Twitter accounts are on their way; it's best to just let them die with dignity than to prolong their existence with obligatory, joyless attention.

3. DO: Avoid the phrases "Just sayin" or "Presented Without Comment "

These phrases will instantly make anything else you say sound unbearably smug, no matter how reasonable your point is. Here, watch:

4. DO: Ignore Donald Trump And Ann Coulter

PLEASE Resist the urge to ironically Retweet these two, or to @-respond to them regardless of how juicy your comeback zinger is, as their entire existence is predicated upon generating this exact type of negative attention. Ironically Retweeting Donald Trump is akin to 'ironically' feeding a baby to a bridge troll.

5. DON'T: Make A 'CNN Hologram' Joke

There'll already be a million of them, and yours won't be the funniest. Remember: Don't Twit-grab the low-hanging Twitterfruit, as Mark Twain once famously Tweeted.