Being the sensitive intellectual I am, with a drawing room filled with framed degrees and pictures of dogs wearing turtlenecks, I would never dream of watching a work of art solely for the venal pleasure of spying some spry lass stripped of undergarments. But given that the female form is a beautiful thing meant to be both exposed and celebrated, I’d be remiss if I did not share with you Mr. Skin’s list of the top nude scenes of 2013. Just remember, we discuss these things not to objectify women, but to stick it to the patriarchy that unfairly foists clothing upon them. (*burns bra, sings I Am Woman*)

Gird yourself for horrible, horrible puns:

#10 Shiri Appleby in Girls

Shiri Appleby got her big break as a teen in love with an alien on the WB hit Roswell. But it was more like rod-swell on the HBO series Girls, where she bared her UForbs for the first time and let her co-star blast them with baby gravy. She’s sure to warm up your pocket rocket!

#9 Lady Gaga in The Abramovic Method Practiced by Lady Gaga

Avant-garde pop tart Lady Gaga is all about the MTV T&A, but she hit an all time high note with the debut of her completely shaved full frontal in The Abramovic Method. Released as a promo for performance artist Marina Abramovic’s new age healing center, it finally allowed skin fans to release some googoo!

#8 January Jones in Sweetwater

January thrills and chills as ice queen Betty Draper on Mad Men, but this year she unveiled her Mad MAMs for the first time in Sweetwater. Her dong-awaited nude debut had her un-Drapering her sterling betties and squeezing off a few topless rounds in a swamp. You’ll be firing off a few rounds of your own!

#7 Laura Prepon, Taylor Schilling in Orange is the New Black

The very first episode of this Netflix original set in a women’s prison had That 70’s Show star Laura Prepon going topless to lock lips with nudecomer Taylor Schilling. Those two will have you brushing up on your penal code!

#6 Amanda Seyfried in Lovelace

Amanda Seyfried has never been shy about showing off her amazing all-natural body, but her role as the titular ungaggable gal in Lovelace brought her to great new heights of nudity. Is this Tinseltown or Tonsiltown?!

#5 Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons

The skinfamous firecrotch took a risky role in this dark thriller, and it paid off big time! We got to see Lindsay’s rolling Hollywood Hills repeatedly, including a kinky fourway sex scene. Your gland will feel grand in these canyons!

#4 Emily Ratajkowski, Elle Evans, Jessi M’Bengue in Blurred Lines

With over 200 millions views on YouTube alone, Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines Video is the ultimate chart topper and pants popper. With three smoking hot models going topless as the video vixens- including big-breasted breakout Emily Ratajkowski- this video had the formula for free media attention down pat. Speaking of patting things down…

#3 Ivana Milicevic in Banshee

Not only is it top model Ivana Milicevic’s nude debut, her lucky co-star has his face jammed so far between her legs he must be getting an extra-rare furburger dinner. Now that’s mouth-to-muff re-sex-utation!

#2 Rosario Dawson in Trance

Full frontal from an A-list star is rare, but rarer still is the celeb that will give a close-up shot with no hair covering her lower lippage. Rosario’s bare beav and jamambo jugs in Trance left us swell-bound!

#1 Léa Seydoux, Adèle Exarchopoulos in Blue is the Warmest Colour

This lesbian drama received an NC-17 rating for 12-minutes of its foxy French stars Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos bumping funbaguettes and going le muff diving. The sweaty sessions of explicit Sapphic sex have Mr. Skin calling it “The Best Lesbian Scene of All Time!” It’s not just award-caliber nudity, this girl-on-girl romance cinched the coveted Palm d’Or at Cannes. And you’ll be doing some palming of your own!

My God, I feel like I need a shower after those puns. “Jamambo jugs?” Jesus Christ, I feel like I should get maced just for typing that, and possibly charged with a hate crime. Kudos, Mr. Skin. Or should I say, Cooze-DOS (because dos is Spanish for two, the number of breasts many woman have). See? No one beats Mr. Skin at puns. Obviously, you can check out the videos by subscribing to Mr. Skin.

OVERSIGHTS: If you ask me, the top two nude scenes of 2013 were Lizzy Caplan in Masters of Sex and Elizabeth Olsen in Oldboy, hands down (my pants). But hey, what do I know, I’m just a guy who’s been dreaming of naked Lizzy Caplan for the last nine years. Though I certainly can’t argue with Rosario Dawson and Amanda Seyfried.

SNOB NOTE: In Orange is the New Black the book, Laura Prepon’s character was described as a fat, butch lesbian, which is why I can’t watch that show.

FURTHERMORE: The Lady Gaga scene is actually online. You can watch the NSFW video below, if it’s S for your W, or if you’re not at W at the mo. In addition to the pleasant nudity, it’s a great illustration of why I kind of hate Marina Abramovic.

I don’t know why I find it so humorous that Amanda Seyfried played Linda freaking Lovelace and only landed at #6 on this list.

It’s also sad that I care so much about the integrity of these yearly rankings too. I think they got it right with Rosario Dawson at #2 and the Lesbian porn at #1, but man, failing to include Lizzy Caplan ruined the chance for extra horrible Mean Girls puns, considering we saw 3 of them naked in the calendar year.

IFC used to have a show titled, Iconoclasts, and I sat through an entire hour of Abramovich and James Franco in white robes doing all sorts of ridiculous shit. I have no idea what her point is or what she’s trying to prove, but if you told me that she broke up Russia’s favorite pop band 40 years ago, I’d absolutely believe you.

Abramovich is the only performance art I like. Mostly just because most of her pieces usually double as a form of social or bodily experiment….or barring that, just plain feats of endurance. So you can usually get something from them beyond just their supposed status as “art.” Like the famous one she did where she sat in a chair and had a table full of objects—including scissors and a loaded gun–and left instructions that people could do anything they wanted to her with the objects. I can’t remember what happened, exactly, but I think they had to end up stopping the performance because the audience started going to far.

Her “body” focused stuff is interesting too. Some of her endurance stuff is almost more Harry Houdini/David Blaine than it is art. Although, she has bigger balls than Blaine ever had (she did a piece, for example, where she alternated between cutting and burning herself for like 6 hours straight).

Haha, no, Mr. Skin has been around forever. He used to come on Stern back in the day and he really does have a nearly encyclopedic mind for which actresses have done what nude scenes in which movies. And he has a horrifically flat Chicaaaago aaaaccent that really adds to the cringeworthiness of the puns.

Though this does make me think you all should be more clear about the Uproxx sites being officially SFW. Or at least toeing the line towards SFW. I know it’s editorial policy to satiate certain advertisers and such, and you all are pretty hands-off when it comes to people linking to NSFW content in the comments.

But whenever I see comments like this it annoys me as one of the biggest purveyors of comment titties because I provide a service for free and out of the goodness of my heart. As much as I sometimes crave thanks like I’m a fucking woman, I despise people acting like it’s owed to them like I, or you I guess, are trick ponies.

I can’t think of anything clever to type as I wait for the last 30 minutes of my work day to end, but Lizzy Caplan was plenty naked in True Blood. Tragically, that also means you had to watch True Blood for that reward.

I’m still confused as to how the Mr. Skin website works in terms of them being allowed to host all of these movie clips. They’re making money off of it so how is it all legal in regards to copyright and such? I read once that some production companies actually give Mr. Skin exclusive rights to nude scenes as it acts as promotion for their movies but that seems almost too skeezy to be real. Which means it’s probably totally real.

12.02.13 at 6:53 pm

Vince Mancini

They do, yeah. At least according to every article I’ve ever read about Mr. Skin.

Dissing on Orange Is The New Black? Yeah the title is way up there with Cougar Town in the pretty revolting titles for pretty good shows, but me thinks you’re just bitter because you made a joke about Natasha Lyonne when American Pie Ultimate was released, and she kills in that show. Yes, Jason Biggs is still bad, but really, I’m sure your snob self will be ok with Laura Prepon replacing a fat butch lesbian.

12.02.13 at 10:01 pm

Vince Mancini

Look, I said it was on me. I just can’t watch it without being pissed at everything that’s different from the book.

What, you mean the gay-until-graduation Smith grad who lived in New York and wrote a memoir didn’t come off super down to Earth?? Yeah, that’s part of the problem. Knowing the real story and what the real Piper is like already makes it really hard to accept the likable,10-years-younger, sanitized Hollywood version. I gave it two episodes. Also, double no thanks of one if those great performances is Natasha Lyonne. She may be a fine actress (she always was a solid actress when she wasn’t too drugged) but her phony-ass affected 1950s yenta accent is like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

This article confirms two things. #1: 2013 will not go down as a banner year for prominent female onscreen nudity. #2: If you ever wanted to know what Gene Shalit would sound like if he was trying to be punny and pervy…