8 April 2012Roubaix, France -- For the fourth time in his illustrious career, Belgian cycling superstar Tom Boonen gained the top honors of the most coveted cycling race of the season, Paris-Roubaix. He did so with disconcerting ease, getting in a solo breakaway 52 km from the finish line while sipping the Belgian beer that graced his bottle rack while negotiating the infamous cobbles that even a Hummer would have a hard time rolling on.

In an interview conducted immediately after the finish, Boonen stated: "My legs felt awesome, but it was really hard to keep my cigar lit while I was cruising at 55 km/h en route to Roubaix, let alone lighting the joint my directeur sportif gave me at 15 km from the finish line! I opted to stop for a little while on the side of the road to take a piss and light that blunt. However, the cocaine was quite easy to snort on the run thanks to the new windproof tube especially designed for us by Specialized Pro Cycling Gear™. Those guys did an amazing job!" said a frantic Boonen minutes after crossing the line.

"I'm so proud of my guy here!", said directeur sportif Patrick Lefevere. "The other guys were all grinding their teeth hard, trying to follow Boonen when he popped in a couple of Oxicontin and ephedrine pills at the 80 km line. Let me tell you that half an hour later, when I saw the smile light up on his face when he dropped them all like they were standing still, I knew the race was in the bag. There was no way he would die of a heart attack, since those substances don't interact with the EPO, testosterone, codeine, Rhinoceros Growth Hormone and Giraffe Insulin he has been taking in the weeks prior! Really, a sportsman to be proud of and an example for our youth. He didn't even brutalize the podium girls!" concluded the ecstatic coach.

UPDATE: Tom Boonen has just been controlled positive for elevated levels of amphetamines. Race organizers and strict cycling rule enforcers from the ICU (International Cycling Union) released the following statement: "Who cares? He won, shut up."