11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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When Your Only Child Dies

July 13, 2014

The waves of grief come and go. Today I finally had the discipline to drag myself to church. I went alone, to the one I grew up in (not our regular). This is probably only the 5th time I've been since the loss.

During the worship service, I can feel the tears starting to come. I love Him. I do. My roots are deep in my faith but there is still a lot of healing to go. The words in the song "Have your way, rule and reign in me" I battle with. The tears come because I'm tired of the "surrender" to His will yet they are also there because I know none of us have a choice/control in any outcome. I cry too because He is good and after everything I can still bring my lips to whisper that and mean it, despites the pain.

The topic was on "Why does a good God allow evil/suffering?" It started off with a video of footage from the Clackamas Town Center shooting, the Troutdale shooting, the Boston Marathon. Tears again. Why don't you stop this??? I find myself angrily asking. Death and evilness around every corner, striking randomly.

There obviously is no easy answer and the pastor didn't say anything I haven't heard before. He reminded us that in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. On the first few days of creation (plants, animals, etc) he was happy but He wanted to be loved. His heart was missing that. The plants couldn't love Him back. Animals react on instinct. He had to give us choice-He knew it would be selfish to pre-program us to love Him to seek Him, to choose Him. He knew that by giving humans a choice-evil could happen if they chose that route. He did not want to force us to be robots that love Him because we know nothing else.

And throughout time, several people have made the choice to not choose Him and goodness but to chose selfishness and darkness. He allows their choices to play out and only promises to make things right, someday.

This is hard to swallow. I didn't do anything "wrong" to deserve to lose my children. No one else did anything "evil" to me to make me lose them. It felt like a personal attack or personal "denial" from the Creator Himself. We cry out to heaven and all we hear is a door slam, several bolts lock, and silence (as described by C.S. Lewis). The pastor reminded us that we don't see tomorrow and He does. That He is good and all His actions are love. That even evil things can be redeemed, made right, restored because of His love for us.

Pretty heavy stuff to process on one of my first times back at church. One of my mom's friends who I grew up with stopped me on the way out to say hi. She brought up the loss and I couldn't have felt more loved. She acknowledged the sorrow and hugged me (so much better than acting like it didn't happen). I talked a bit about it, through tears. I ended the conversation with telling her that despite the horror, Darren and I do not accept this fight is over. Holding Jude only fueled the flames to keep moving forward and I told her that I hope that the peace and that the hope and that the fight to move forward is from Him.

2 popular songs on the radio really get me. It's crazy how love songs can relate so much to babies. The song "All of Me" instantly reminds me of Jude "All of me, loves all of you, all your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections", I picture my favorite black and white picture of his gorgeous face with little bruises. On the way home from church the song "Stay with Me" came on the radio on the way home and I lost it. I really really hope that the next baby stays with me. I cried in a good way. The cry that helps release the sadness that slowly builds up over time.

We later went to a family reunion at my parents to hold a casual memorial service for my grandma that died 10 days after Jude. All my married cousins have kids. I couldn't help but ache for Jude and Brinly when I saw the family pictures with all their children together. I can't help but think all of my sister and cousin's kids met my grandma.

Today was a sad day for me and I actually feel ok about it. I need these days, to process, to remember, to acknowledge and to work through the bruises in my faith.

I came across this article on Still Standing about the pain that comes with losing your only living child. She says that some moms lose a baby/child but they still have 1 or more living-she explains how our pain is different/empty-but goes on to say she doesn't want to get into who has it worst, it's all worst-our child died. Anyways, read it if you get a chance, it explains a lot of how I felt those dark months following the delivery. I still can relate to several of her feelings. http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/child-dies/#comment-55572(I took the bottom image from her article)

16 comments:

You're so brave and strong for going. I'm glad you met some supportive people.Also, I would like to think that Jude and Brinly met your grandma, though not in the way you were hoping. I was always sad that my mom wouldn't get to meet my twins - and instead now they're with her, not with me. It gives me some comfort, that thought. Hugs.

I think it's so good you got to go back. He understands your pain, your grief, your anger, your loss. I'm reading When Jesus Weeps right now and it talks about how He is sovereign over all pain - a really good read when/if you are ever interested. Believing that He will restore a double portion to what has been taken from you.

Holly, I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't understand your pain, as I have never been pregnant, but I feel your heartache of not being able to hold your child in your arms. A couple songs that really speak to me are "Blessings" by Laura Story and "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. Maybe that will help you a little! Hugs!

I once read an article written by a woman who took issue with the notion that when a child is born a family is created. Her husband and her could not conceive a child and she believed & felt that they were a family before this HUGE disappointment. The two were a family. It struck me hard & true. The desire to have babies is strong in most women. That little meme struck me as not right. Truly you and your husband have so much more than nothing.. you still have each other. You have hope in your dream for a family still. Despite all that, if at the end, you have JUST each other, that is still family. Your family. Your heart is broken, this I know. I've prayed, cried, bartered, remembered, donated, prayed more, and hoped for you and Darren. I think of you often, and tho my own faith could be best described as tentative, I hope your faith comes out strong & sure in this. Please remember what you have (each other) and try not to lose sight in your heartbreak, don't let infertility rob you of that. Of the blessing you are to each other. You don't have nothing, tho your arms are empty, what your blog has expressed of your marriage is of deep love. United in Christ. Remember, and turn to each other and unite your hands <3

You are so right. In the initial stage of grief, although 100% grateful for Darren, it felt like everything had been ripped away. This has definitely brought us closer and I agree, I do not have nothing although I have no living kids. Thank you for the reminder and I am so so happy that I didn't lose him too.

You didn't do anything to cause the loss of your precious children. We live in a fallen world, and Satan is the god of this world. God can and will make all things new, but don't let anyone, or anything, let you believe even for a moment, that some spiritual shortcoming on your part or anyone else's caused their passing. That just flat out isn't so. I pray for you daily, for you to have peace, and comfort, and find a place to rest from what you've had to endure.

Hi Holly. You don't know me, but I became familiar with your story through another blogger. I read of your loss when I was pregnant with my son and wept openly for your broken heart. I cannot relate to your loss, but I think of you every single day. I pray for you often. I'm not sure if this will give you any encouragement or comfort, but I really think this series may give you some insight into what to do in the meantime. http://meantimeseries.org

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)