Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Falwell blames gays, feminists, lesbians for death

(ANS, The Afterlife) Echoing his comments made after 9-11 that the terrorist attack was caused by a litany of "evil forces," the late Jerry Falwell said today from the afterlife that "pagans, abortionists, gays, feminists, lesbians, the ACLU, People for the American Way, Al Gore, Daily Kos and other immoral, liberal groups and individuals bear full responsibility for the heart attack that has claimed my earthly life."

Falwell went to add that, unlike his apology following his post-9-11 comments, he will "not be apologizing this time because there are no liberals where I'm going. So they can kiss my fat, dead ass."

Falwell said he had been sitting at his desk, thumbing through a stack of personal checks from residents of a senior center he had visited on Monday when he felt a sudden, crushing pain in his chest.

"It was like the homosexuals were actually reaching into my chest cavity and squeezing my heart," Falwell recounted. "I started praying, 'Lord, smite the homosexuals,' but they wouldn't let go. Bastards have a helluva' grip. Must be from all that cock grabbing they do."

Falwell noted that he was dead before Liberty University Executive Vice President Ron Godwin found him slumped over the stack of checks.

"Ronnie walked in and I was already gone. I give him credit, though. Before he even called 911, he removed the stack of checks and gave them to Eleanor and told her to make sure they get deposited, pronto. He also went through my desk drawers and removed the two copies of 'Big Jugs Magazine' he knew I had hidden in the back of one of them. But the son-of-a-bitch snatched the gold pen that Reagan had given me," Falwell complained.

Falwell said he would "wait and see" before offering any comment on his new surroundings. "I've often wondered if this is going to be a case of 'overpromise/underdeliver' or if things will be as good as I have told so many they would be. I'm not sold yet."

A spokesangel for God said The Almighty was taking a "long, hard look" at Falwell's life before deciding on a final afterlife home. "The Lord will only say at this point that no one is a sure bet. That goes for Jerry and for anyone else who leaves an earthly life."

When asked to respond to Falwell's assertion that "there are no liberals in heaven," the spokesangel laughed and said, "Franklin Roosevelt may have something to say about that."

Falwell closed his press conference with a diatribe against "Muslims and other infidel colored people on Earth who don't believe what I believe which is the one, true belief."

Just then, another recently dead man dressed in long, gold robes and a turban passed by on a throne carried by four angels.

Falwell was stunned.

"But I bet he's not a homo," the late Reverend said, before storming from the room.

5 Comments:

Bob - I think I went to school with you and Chip Richter who now performs children's Christian music which is so weird and very funny!

I'm glad you are still the same, core Bob Johnson from back in the day.... thank God the universe appears to be swallowing up that wonderful war hero who was running for Republican election...Has the world really forgotten about AZ and the S&L scandal?? But this is the country that elected Regan (twice) and Bush's (three times) - that's why I live in Japan!

I wanted to thank you for your Clinton diary on DKos today--I'm a longtime lurker, so I thought I'd try to reach you here. The funniest thing I've read in a while . . . my only suggestion is that you add "all of the above" to the poll!