Wednesday, December 27, 2006

--for sunshine making it safely thru the bad weather, and to her family--for hot n spicey drinks, fireplaces, good munchies, good people, stimulating conversations, and GREAT poetry jam sessions--for ms. j's beautiful voice--for hearing him smile again thru the phone--for our poetry still feeling sacred...and we treat it as such--for not stressing this christmas--for the smiles on my children's faces and their snuggly hugs--for sitting under the stars with my lil brother(not so lil), and just laughing and talking...he is adorable and cool as hell...wouldn't trade him for the world--for facing some of my fears, and not running--for facing some of my fears and running...acknowledgement is enough right now--for making choices that are nurturing to my spirit--for the endless possibilities coming in the new year--for wanting to be better, instead of just safe

Thursday, December 21, 2006

-for the fact you still love me-for the fact i still love you-for being able to spend lots of quality time with the kids-for seeing them grow so beautifully...i got it right this time-for hanging out and just being giggly girls-for laughing so hard my stomach hurt-for wings and brownies-for the music of D'Angelo...lawd lawd-for embracing the pain-for the words that flow into my healing-for your smile-for taylor styling my hair, bringing memories of my own childhood doing mommy's hair-for him wanting you...the power of it all lol-for feeling a change coming...i'm scared...but willing-for knowing it will be okay eventually-for hot apple cider

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

it seems the dark days are returning, yet i don't know why at this time it has chosen to seep back in. like i said before, i believe it never really leaves us...we just learn to manage it better. or disguise it as something else. most days are better than others...but i feel it, and i am trying to push it back.forgive me, because it is also showing up in the(my) writing...perhaps that is a good damn thang. so bare with me while i bare with myself..

he watchesas he always haswaitingpatientlywith soulless eyesfor her to give him hersor at least another piecefor he has collected heronly in small doseswhich he hides in a crystal boxmade of salted tearsopens it dailymasterbating to her pain

acquired a taste for herstarting at an early agedipped ragged nails into innocencetasting the sweetness of youthenjoyed the music of her criesbecame the invisible playmatefor often she was left alone

he took her voiceplaced it in the fragile boxknowing it would be her strengthbut he could not allow her to be heardsoft spoken--if she even speaks at all

she learned early to exist in painfor this was not livingfound false hope in a childnever to leave her womb wholesucked into brown sludgeas tiny fingers desperatelyheld onto the cord binding themas they both were torn to pieces

he kept her closeto feed his hungerand her drunken stepskept him satisfied...........(of course not finished, perhaps its best)

i want to take your painreach deep inside the heart of your hellplunge both hands in its spongethat soaks you in dailyrip it from its existance and squeeze the dead out of itso life can come back into dark eyes(where reflections no longer exist)let it seep into the ground where fathers layand where i should bury hersfor you hold much too tightly to a legacynot belonging to youthere is comfort in the pain thoughcradling you into nightmaresplaying games in the blood left on the floortoo many pieces to play withnot enough playerstherefore demons play you oftenand the company is appreciated

let me have the painenter inside these wallsuntil my womb absorbs this madnessfertilizing with my own sadnesstogether let it growlet it growlet it growuntil soft insides splitand this heart explodesripping my existance apartso i may rain down on youcovering your beautiful facewith transfered gracefreeing you from an internal prisonwith keys, windows, and doorsfound only within eyesof agape......

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

-for Neo being HOT last week, thanks to the ladies (big smile)...oh and Marcel did the thang fo sho!-for hanging with you, as if no gliches ever happened-for good drinks, good laughs, and good dancing-for reconnecting with family members at my cousin's homegoing service...why is that?-for feeling your spirit surround me, as i remembered laying in your lap during church service while sucking on peppermints-for missing you still so much it hurts, but letting the feeling come-for old boyfriends wanting to see me...lol like he was my boyfriend at age 7 or 8 lol-for celebrating all my girl's hard work...yeah for graduating...yeah for parties-for my son and how he loves me...something about that mother/son bond-for the words not stopping-for a good game of Upwords, good drinks, and good laughs with you 3...and a half (lil ms princess)-for the beauty in your precious lil smile-for the magic cup-for strong beautiful women, even in pain and disappointment...beautiful-for being witness to the love Eb & Flo have for one another....makes me still believe-for seeing the progress i am making with Me

Monday, December 11, 2006

a local elementary school in the area, actually off of 620, is going to relocate their students due to overcrowding. no big deal usually, but this is the part(s) that bother me:-this will be the 3rd time in 3 years these students have been moved. 3 DIFFERENT schools in 3 years.-the fact they are elementary children who throughout these formative years, should be able to cultivate bonds with friends, lasting throughout most of their schooling ( i know is was moved around alot too...but still)-the fact it has been 3 years, and just now something is being done about it. i mean don't they have planning commitees for this type of projection? part of the reason we pay taxes and vote on bonds right?-oh and two of my favorite reasons why this crap is really bothering me.....#1, guess what? the huge majority of these kids are MINORITIES...hmmm not really surprising is it?!#2, and this is the end all to end all...so adding/building more space to the existing school is out of the question (but prisons are being expanded on a daily basis)and 3 yrs ago no one thought of "hey, let's build a new school so our students can thrive and have a condusive learning environment." (but new prisons are being built as i type this)noooooo see all of the above would be too much like right (as friend of mine says). so where are they going to place these lovely young children, you ask?shaking head even now in disgust: how about in an abandoned CHEMICAL TESTING PLANT!!!!!!!But the building is so much closer to where they live, the administrator's say.really? as if that is suppose to make it ok?i mean really, seriously are you serious? who knows what these children will be exposed too w/in those walls or what will they come into contact with while playing in the dirt at the playground!!No, i don't know what chemicals had been tested at this site, but does it really matter?!I'd be curious to see the statistics of ailments and health issues these students have in the future.this is not the first time, of course not, minority children have had less than adequate learning conditions all over this fine nation, Where No Child Shall Be Left Behind and It Takes A Village, right? riiiiiight! I know of another campus (here in atx) where radio active waste had been found in the playground, and after a brief dig it was discovered it had been built on top of a dumping ground. nothing really done, fresh dirt added and the playground was shortened. lol...yepwhy why why why is this okay?

heyyeah?we need to talkabout...?your heartmy heart?yes your heartwhat about it?i'm tired of holding it together...***************************Her intentions are not of a soft shellbut she likes the way time has worn her edgessoft and smooth,as she runs a finger across lifefeeling rounded curves at each turnoccasionally jagged peaks protrudenot yet eroded by healing tearsinstead filling the valleysdeepening on each side-either she drowns dailyor floats,searching for an olive branch in the debris left behindnot realizing the debris will stick to her edgesstrengthen her wallseventually,she will be able to carve a door to walk throughor open a window to breathe-even in darknessstained glass is beautiful.***********************but it is so hard to see beautyin cracked reflectionsonly ugliness and distortion make sensealtered reality plays tricks with truthpast life creates present liesonly to dine on selfbecause her world is starvingwith only spoonfuls of emptiness to feed her.binging on whatever scrapsare thrown her waygorging on rancid sweet trashuntil her womb is so heavy with self-hatredshe must ram her heart into her throatto purge it all away.acidic lies burn as they rush through her insidespast her silent tongueonly the sickening sound of a broken heart can be heardas it slams into the vomit it helped create.she picks up the pieces as alwaystrying to scrape away the cancer festering insidediligently chipping away the hardening plaqueusing what she just expelled from her throatas a binding gluenot realizing though the pieces fit,slightly,never quite the same really,she will continue to decay from the insideleaving only a soft shellthat no one can lovenot even her self.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

-for writing again...its flowing again and i love being at its mercy-for getting the tree up this year nov. 30th...never has been that early-for decorating with my family, very special moments-for text messages to make you laugh when you most need it-for real female friendships-for night skys that just seem to glow lately-for knowing just a bit of you-for recognizing everything and everyone sometimes has a season, always a reason, not necessary to hold onto-for playing Boggle with Kami-for passion that still burns-for my cousin Bobbi, she put up a good fight, but He took her home yesterday evening...now you can rest ma-for you wanting to share your words with me, and wanting my opinion....meant a lot-for family for family for family-for snuggles-for for my brother introducing me as his beautiful sister...awww-for eating just a little better...got to start somewhere-for poetry and those who keep it sacred

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i am not what i wasmuch more than i amstanding here with a voice that can make love to mindscreating mental foreplay and orgasmic rhythmsto tease and satisfy all that they crave...unable to satisfy my own cravingsso i search deep insideamong the clutter and chaosfor a new voice to be heard

it is here,upon my shoulder where my heart sitsabsorbing blows fists have missedteetering on the brink of exhaustioncatching wayward tears these eyes have banishedreminding my head to sit squarelyas the weight of my world bares down.

it is here,in my hands that still grasp at rainbowsand silver liningswhile battered fingers hold rusty needlesto patch fraying seamswithin this thinning souland the pen beckons to be a catalyst.

it is here,between my legswhere tips of fingers were licked clean of innocence.buried children here...once by my own shovel, twice by God'swith no eulogy to speak of.pulled my tribe from here-my namesakes, beautiful and strong.finally self worth closed the temple doors to jokers and thieves

it is here,just behind shades of indigowhere visual wisdom senses what cannot be seencast insight into yesterday, today and possibilities

it is here,behind bolted doorswith keys strung across rib cagesin dark basements of my mindon stairs leading to nowhereall swept under tattered rugstrying to ignore which seeps through threadsof much walked upon

it is here,deep inside where the child still dreamsstill cries in the cornerwho runs to the womanwho has often fell from gracewho is covered by wingswith prayers etched into each quill

my voice is herewhispering through the chaospraying through the silence.........