Loss & Grief – Two Years On

When I wrote the post “Loss & Grief – A Year On” I had no intention of it becoming a series. I guess I didn’t realise I would still be struggling so much a year later.

I obviously didn’t expect sunshine and rainbows, but I definitely thought it would be easier to get on with my day-to-day life.

Most days I still struggle to get up in the morning, or even the afternoon. I feel like I have nothing to get up for. Nothing feels important enough to me anymore because Dylan has always been my priority. I often go days without showering. I don’t eat until dinner, I don’t feel hungry, I don’t feel anything. I don’t sleep until 2am, 3am, 4am. In fact, last week, I didn’t go to bed until 6:30am when Sam got up for work.

I’m not myself but how can I be. I don’t know what myself is. Dylan was such a big part of me, I don’t know how to be without him.

I want to write these posts at least once a year because the more time has gone on the more frustrated I’ve become with how taboo grief is. None of us are taught about it in School or at any point in life. We don’t know what to expect until we have to go through it ourselves.

I want to write these posts to show the people who are grieving that they are not alone, the crazy things you do are not so crazy after all, grief is a strange thing. I want to write these posts to help people who haven’t been through it to be able to understand how it feels, to try to be more empathetic towards those who are grieving, and so that when you are unfortunately but inevitably forced to go through it yourself you will be better prepared than I was. But above all I want to write these posts for Dylan.

“Dia de los Muertos” or “Day of the Dead” is a Mexican tradition I’m sure we’ve all heard of. Yet somehow I only recently discovered the Mexican belief in three deaths. This is a belief I have now adopted and adore.

“In our tradition, people die three deaths.

The first death is when our bodies cease to function; when our hearts no longer beat of their own accord, when our gaze no longer has depth or weight, when the space we occupy slowly loses its meaning.

The second death comes when the body is lowered into the ground, returned to mother earth, out of sight.

The third death, the most definitive death, is when there is no one left alive to remember us.” – Mexican tradition, Dia de los Muertos

If I continue to write these posts and share Dylan with you all, he can live through you. If I share the messages Dylan taught me well enough, he can live on long past me. That thought gives me so much comfort.

I have tried and tried to find a way to write down how I feel, but it’s not possible. There is so much I want to say, but for now I’m too exhausted. So I’ve decided, for now, the best way is to show you my most vulnerable.

I have a book, it’s leather bound, engraved with my initials. A present from Dylan, on my 18th Birthday. It’s priceless. In this book I write letters to Dylan.

In the hope that maybe this will help you understand, here is one of my recent letters to Dylan.

20th September 2016

“Hey DD,

It’s well past my bedtime but I couldn’t get to sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about your beautiful brown eyes and hair. I miss you so much.

I’m trying really hard to stay positive. Lots of things are going well for me at the moment. I just can’t seem to be happy without you.

Not a single day goes by that I’m not thinking about you.

Your beautiful smile. The way you smell. The way you giggle. Your raspberries.

It’s so hard to keep going without you. I know I have to. It’s just not getting easier.

The worst thing is, people expect me to be ok now. As if two years could possibly be enough time. A lifetime isn’t long enough.

You still inspire me so much. To work hard, to make the most of absolutely everything, to cherish everyone I love.

All I want is you.

I want to hear your laugh. I want to feel your cuddles. Hold your hand. But I can’t. And I don’t know how to cope with that.”

This was a beautifully written post. I have a severely disabled younger sister who also has a life limiting condition and I’m really grateful to have found your blog posts about your brother. Dylan sounded like a wonderful young man. Sending all my love X

Oh Chloe, this was so so beautiful and so sad too. I love that you let Dylan live on through your blog, it’s such a magical thing and I can imagine it must bring you solace. I have not yet suffered a loss, not one that I know will shake me to my core, so I cannot imagine how you are feeling on a daily basis. I know that when it does, inevitably occur in my own life I will look to you and these posts and remember Dylan, and how you dealt and are dealing with it all. You are so so strong and it sounds like you don’t celebrate that strength enough. Sure, your insomnia might leave you feeling a little insane, but sometimes we have to let our minds think and feel the things they need to think and feel.
Truthfully, I don’t think we as society think about death as much as we should. It is such such an important part of life, perhaps the most vital and keeping it in mind is good for our perspective. I really salute you too for releasing the taboo on grieving. I don’t think anytime, be it 2 years or 5 years is ‘enough’ time. When a loved one dies, they are gone forever and that space is never ever filled. I hope it gets a little easier as time goes by, I would never try to promise it would as I have no idea but I hope you know you are so strong and even in the face of grieving you have managed to achieve so much, both professionally and you seem so well connected to your family, which is so important. You are great and while I don’t know anything about grieving, I do know that Dylan would be so so proud of you.

Dear Chloe, dear heart, your post is both touching and very beautifully written. With loved ones that I have lost I some times find myself opening up the palms of my hands to the skies (outdoors, especially at night) and reaching out to them..speaking out …somehow I feel that bit closer ..and pretty certain within myself that I am making a connection and that I am being heard….and smiled over 🙂 the spirit of a loved one is such a powerful thing…I don’t think a spirit ever dies, so have faith & stay close…I am certain Dylan would really, really love that xxx

Chloe, this is beautiful, keep strong I know it’s hard but your doing so well in life and your blog is going amazing and it’s amazing that your doing this for him! We’re all here to support you! Love Simone cxx