I Felt My Mind Snap

The right cheek of my face slammed against the mirror distorting and squishing it and I felt my mind snap like a breaking limb! Done! No more resistance, no more denial, just allowance of expansion. Deep breath. A brand new and different belief came into being for me in that second. I had finally experienced enough suffering.

So I stopped suffering.

The mirror my smooshed cheek was pushing against was the reflection of the internal voice of critical self-judgment; often the loudest of all inner voices. The inner critic.

I remember hearing my mind shouting “They look hideous, I am not like them at all! Yeah, so I dress a little now in panties and stuff. It turns me on. So what!”

Years pass, and as I drearily peel my face off of the glass at this stage of my journey and glance up briefly, I see, I feel. The shame bind, I am finally able to say I love it; then feel ashamed “because” I love it. Then say I love it again, and the cycle spins on.

To stop the cycle, I practice the art of stepping back from the mirror and seeing; really seeing. Here is an exercise I use …

I stand so I see all of me in the mirror, gaze into those beautiful eyes and ask, “Where are you?” I don’t use a name, nor do I propose any gender or any other limits. I simply ask, “Where are you?” And wait. After a time, (it’s different for everyone to a degree), but the child within appears, in a form you will know is the purest essence of the beauty that you, we, are. Little Char is a sweet, humble and kind, unguarded and eager to learn and helpful kind of kid, and especially grateful now that I, the adult, am watching and protecting that free child self.

The inner voice of self-judgment is the closest one to our ears, so it is often the loudest. That voice has been getting quieter since I began using the “I Am” Affirmation and Mirror Method of retraining my brain to think more productive empowering thoughts. The change is amazing!

I repeat daily many times, “I Am so Happy and Grateful now that”…followed by what I want to have, do or be. Personally, I Am (Grateful) for the presence of you being here. I believe the more our voice is heard and are willing to be seen more openly to the world, the more normal we become. We are as natural as the bird or bee so, next, is to become normal! All things new to the mind of the masses are not considered ”normal” until they have been around a good while openly. When the Wright brothers presented air travel to the world back in 1903, it was considered madness; now flying is as normal as breathing. I do my best to notice when monkey-mind starts chattering in my head, and I intentionally choose to say ”No!” Then, I Re-Affirm the new thoughts and beliefs I ”choose” to cultivate. I Am natural and normal for example. The little brain eventually gets it and says, “Okay then” and freedom inhales a deep breath of yes!! A new belief is born!

One of the best fertilizers I have found for growing Courage in-spite-of-fear is Service. Helping anyone move a step forward is like a double shot of courage for me. It always inspires me to stretch more and grow my own courage. To make more of a difference and actually be a part of changing cultural “norms”.

A wise person once said, “Life is a Particip-Action sport, not a Spectator sport.”

I will not abide a life of smallness and fear. I Am learning to live My life independently of the good opinion of others, while also respecting the basic human rights of the all sentient beings on our planet.

I stopped pushing my face against the mirror. Pushing to prove something, and trying to find a label, worrying about opinions, stressing and obsessing. I decided to just stop!

I just stepped back from the mirror and said, let it “Be”. Now I take better care of the little child-me. I protect Char, who loves the leggings, ponytail hairdo, earrings and all things fun that society labels “girly”.

I practice better self-care nowadays and care less about the opinion of others, (good or bad) because really, the onlyopinion that mattersis shifting more and more away from fear steadily to love with every new sunrise. It’s my opinion of my Self. “I Am learning to Love my Self Unconditionally!” Look deep into the eyes of your reflection and sense the child.

Then nurture the child and Be the adult. Take awesome care of that little sweetie and hold hands where ever you go from now on in your heart. The more “you learn to love you”, the more I have permission to love me, by witnessing your self-love, and so on, and so on…

Together, we are changing the world, hold your chin high girls, walk tall and proud first in your mind, then in a safe public place. We are trailblazers girls!

Thank you for Your Courage to be here and Thank you for being exactly who you are!

Dropping out of high school I began touring Canadian country music clubs and soft seat venues; drummer/vocalist for 22 years.
After 4 suicide attempts and heavy cocaine etc addiction issues i decided to learn self acceptance as apposed to self hatred.
I became a student of the Universe and a Instructor as well as student of Life Skills at a local College while operating a Private Coaching Practice.
Currently, I am rebuilding the Life Coaching practice after a couple years of more personal work well under way.
I am also creating online opportunities that will serve our world community…and our world…

Hi Charee……it is a lovely article. Expressing ones feeling in public is very hard to do. Puzzeling over inner conflict is not something a lot of people practice, but they should. To know ones self is to be able to know others. We will all get along better for doing so. Thank you for your thought provoking story.

Awe Thank you Dear Soul. The hours I have spend crying alone and suffering and continually expanding have brought me here lol I just believe this journey of mine has to helpful to someone and now I am finding the path a bit at a time with myzenstone and these articles; what an adventure!!

Char,
You are one of my fellow (relatively) old timers on the site here and as always your insights are extremely well stated and on point. You would probably ,make a great counselor! Congratulations m how far you’ve made it on your journey and based on your positive attitude I am certain that you will continue to grow in the future. And I and we are blessed that you choose to share your story with us to help others like me who need the encouragement you provide.
Hugs,
Cyn

Awe my Dear Cyn how wonderful to see a reply from you, omg I have size tears of gratitude tracking my face haha.
What each of you here have given me is far more than I could give I’m sure but I will try.

I actually do life coaching and I am setting up a site I hope will be complementary to this one myzenstone.com, am I allowed to post that? eek I just hope that my own suffering and learning will serve to help others reduce their own suffering as much as possible, as fast as possible.

I believe in a world where people actually help other become their grandest version and practice dropping any idea that does not serve that end.

I practise daily Mediation. It allows me to not get to caught up with every thing that goes on in my head and to accept myself for who I am. in the now. I am so Grateful I live in a Country (Canada ) Where TG Rights and every ones Rights are Considered. I try to remember these things and it Helps to know the world is Changing and my confidence grows a little each day after years of turmoil.

YES YES! thank you Amanda; I remind myself every day that even 20 years ago things here in Canada were much different. I live in a town of 50 people on the prairies of SK; what a ride!! lol
Um, would you be willing to share your daily mediation with us? Not the real personal bits but perhaps an outline for those who are new to the whole meditation world lol. I meditate each morning as well; I visualize and imagine in a full blown mind movie with sound and colour exactly how I want things to be, as if, it already is…and I feel deeply grateful for that for 15 minutes. Mmmmmm nice hehehe

My Mediation practise started When this person was recommended to me several years ago. DR Jon Kabit- Zinn. I have Practised his Mediation for a Long time now. And read two of his books. Full Catastrophe Living, and Where ever you go there you are. He has several mediations on Google. I just sit Quietly and let what ever comes in to my mind jut be there in my mind. I just observe my Breathing. as he says. It is not always perfect. nothing in this world is. But you become use to the fact that thoughts are just thoughts. and nothing else. Our brains have a way of sending some really silly stuff to our thought process.
Of course you know from experience that the mind will wander all over the place. but if you stick with it and believe. Change does happen. You learn not to listen to all of the Retric that can go on in or heads.

Charee’- Thank you for sharing your experiences both in their depth and height. I rejoice in how you now embrace, protect, and love little Char. With the help of a therapist, I connected with the little girl who is a part of me. She is strong, resilient, and fun to be with. I am happy to be aware of her and have her as a companion. Our relationship continues to be a joy and provides a sense of healing and wholeness.
God bless.
Miss P

hehehe and isn’t that simply the best everrrr? haha
I love it when lil char is wide open, loving, giving and unguarded.
THAT is true freedom at it’s finest!
I am sooo happy for you Miss P, for hearing and supporting that child in you who simply needs and want “Your” love and acceptance, unconditional. whew, big word hehe

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