Today I had just such an occasion arise that called on me to stand up. And I did! It felt great!

This woman will never really know what I did or how I changed her world, but that wasn’t the purpose anyway. Today, I spoke and was heard, and that is how we change the world together.

I was shopping at the same grocery store I have shopped at since it opened roughly 15 years ago. I have known so many people there. My kids’ friends worked there in high school, and I have gotten to know so many of the people there just from shopping.

As I approached checkout line #10, there was no one in the line. I was glad because I was over the limit for self-checkout and the express line, and I am never good at waiting behind others at the grocery store.

I parked my cart at the end of the counter area where the checker is to empty each item as she rings them across the scanner.

I stood there for a good while as she had her back to me and no idea I was there waiting for service. Her attention was focused on a woman standing at customer service who was purchasing a bottle of wine. (In some states, wine is sold in grocery stores.)

The woman was a very tall blond with beautiful black fishnet stockings that had some type of pattern in the netting, a mini skirt with many colors and a flowing white blouse. She was lean and beautiful.

I did not see her face, and I did not assume she was a transwoman, but everyone else who was working that front end did.

And that was where I felt such an anger arise within me.

I realized that I was feeling her pain and hurt, even if she wasn’t aware they were doing this behind her back. As she walked away from the counter and toward the exit, the woman working checkout lane #10 finally turned around and noticed me standing there.

She abruptly began scanning my groceries, asked if I had my discount card, and continued to make fun of the woman at the customer service counter she had just been watching.

She picked up her register phone and called the checker at the next line. They laughed and she hung up. The young man who was sacking my groceries walked off three times to converse about this woman to two other employees at the front end. Even the front-end manager in the red vest was chiming in. They were all laughing and asking questions like, “Was that a man?” and “OMG I can’t believe this, Wow!”

With each word I felt rage inside. I wanted to lash out right there and tell them all to just stop it!

But I am a different soul, and I believe you make the loudest noise when you are calm and soft spoken.

As they completed my transaction, the checker looked at me and told me to have a nice day.

I stared at her, took my receipt and grabbed my cart. I walked towards the door and as I approached the exit, I turned to the checker nearest me and asked to see the store manager.

She immediately called the manager on the intercom. The manager called her right back, and she explained that there was a gentleman at the front that would like to speak with her.

The manager came to the front immediately. I introduced myself, explained what had just occurred and then I spoke honestly with her and told her I have never been more offended or angry by such unprofessional behavior.

I explained that it wasn’t just one or two people, but her entire front end. I told her to imagine how hard it must be to be different in this world and that we are to respect those differences not belittle and hurt others.

Then I expressed to her that this woman came into this store to do business here like every other customer and she deserves to be treated like every other customer. She has more courage than any employee working here because she lives her life honestly and doesn’t have to hurt others to feel better about herself!

As I concluded the conversation, I told the manager that I have never been more outraged and disgusted by the behavior of the employees in this store, it was utterly unprofessional, and I hope she will do the right thing to correct the behavior.

I believe, from the look on her face, that she was embarrassed and even appalled herself as I described the event. She was kind and assured me that she would handle it immediately.

I believe she will.

Perhaps these people thought it was okay to make fun of others, or they just needed someone to show them that what they think is harmless and novel causes real pain.

I made sure that manager heard me. I made sure she understood it was rude, insensitive and painful. No one wants to be made fun of… It hurts!

I hope she got it, and I hope she does the right thing.

I could not walk out of that store without being heard. They needed to know they were wrong.

This beautiful woman, whoever she was, deserves to be treated respectfully, like everyone else.

Hopefully, the next time she walks into that store, those employees will have had better training and be more professional, and they will treat her and others like her with the same dignity and courtesy that every human being deserves.

5 Responses

Good for you! In our society, we try so hard to be like everyone else. It’s ironic that our country was created because we wanted to have the freedom to be our own person (I wonder if we know what that is!) I hope I can have the same courage to speak up if that happens to me. I wonder if making fun of others happens less in cities like New York City and San Francisco, where we see more individualism.

Thanks for your comment. An answer to your query is that this behavior spans all generations, races, socioeconomic levels, age, and geography. It happens in nearly all cultures around the world. I believe it is rooted deeply in peer pressure and the desire to get along with the majority. It is very easy to judge people. We are taught to make distinctions from birth. What we are learning as a species is that those things can also be unlearned and never taught. A good example is racism. To be non-judgmental requires effort and a willingness to stop following the crowd and think for oneself. I believe that the current generations are making different rules and judging others is not as accepted, hence the current momentum towards equality with amazing speed. Everyone has the courage to do what is right and I am sure, should the moment present itself, you will do the same.
Chase

Chase, you were very brave to stand up the way you did, and I applaud you!! I am not condoning the behavoir of the front end staff, and certainly it sounds like they were unprofessional. However, I myself have had the ocassion to wonder if someone was “dressing in drag” or actually transgender – and I even used to think that MtF’s should be more effeminate and FtM’s should be more masculine – but the fact of the matter is body style, shape, size etc really has nothing to do with gender identity and not all people know or understand this. Their behavoir, and even mine on ocassion, isn’t meant to be ignorant but is really more uneducated. Does that make sense?

I agree with your assessment and I add the following…
The young man who was sacking my groceries was what one might categorize as limited cognitively. And yet, he was following the crowd. Sadly, those with limited intellectual abilities rely on those of us who have been lucky to be more intellectually gifted and we owe them the courtesy of making sure all are treated right. This is a greater issue for this company and it is clear they have had a systemic failure. My hope is that, given the size of this particular corporation, they have a diversity team in place to help rectify this issue and correct the problem. I understand that we are a novelty in some ways to people who are not bigoted, but rather just curious and confused and I have no issues attempting to satisfy those curiosities, but there comes a time when we cross a line between curiosity and just plain cruelty when we are attempting to converse about such sensitive subjects. Let us keep an open dialogue for those who wish to honestly understand and hold feet to the fire for those who truly seem to miss the point.
Chase

Chase, thank you for responding! I am once again learning and becoming more educated about my fellow human beings – something this blog does for me on almost a daily basis. Trust me when I say that in the future when confronted with a situation such as you encountered I too will take the time to speak up, hopefully effectively!

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