How To Build Your Own Jurassic Park (Without Spending Too Much Money)

Now that we have established that cloning, reverse engineering and even time travel (despite it being so damn cool) aren’t particularly viable options with regard to building your very own Jurassic Park-style dinosaur zoo, here are a few somewhat more attainable (if a little bit less impressive) ways of bringing dinosaurs to the gullible masses via a theme park. While Jurassic Park’s founder Mr John Hammond’s catchphrase was, “Spared no expense”, our guide will teach you how to do it while sparing every expense!

Create A New Breed of Super Chicken

Close enough!

To make a long story short, modern birds possess hidden dinosaur traits within their dormant ‘ancestral DNA’ and, as a result of this, a chicken with a few dinosaur-like traits is born once every few generations (examples of such variations include extra scales and even teeth). So what you do is, go down to the shops and buy as many chicken eggs as possible, hatch them (I don’t think that’s how… Oh never mind! -Ed) and begin breeding them as rapidly as time will allow. Before long, you will have assembled a stunning collection of gnarly toothed, chickentastic dinosaur wannabes that will just about pass themselves off as small dinosaurs in the eyes of the public.

Just be sure to stick up lots of literature around the super chickens’ display area reminding the public that not all dinosaurs were big and that many, including Velociraptor (because people have heard of that one), have been proven to have had feathers in life. And, just in case there are any wise-asses in the audience, be sure to memorise Alan Grant’s speech!

Tell Some Tall Tails

An ostrich and a Struthiomimus which has lost its tail in battle stand side by side. Can you tell which is which?

Did you know that the scientific name for an ostrich is Struthio? Furthermore, there is a type of dinosaur called Stuthiomimus who’s name means ‘ostrich mimic’ (how it managed to mimic an animal that lived some 70 million years after it is one of nature’s great mysteries) which bears an uncanny resemblance to modern ostriches. It was the same size and general body shape as well as being feathered!

The only obvious difference between a Sruthiomimus and an ostrich is that Struthiomimus had a tail. This minor detail can easily be fixed by building a prosthetic one and attaching it to the ostrich in question with an industrial strength adhesive. Bear in mind though, ostriches tend to bite when you try to glue things to them so you may want to forgo ‘tailing’ your ostriches and claim that one of your park’s meat eating dinosaurs is a very fussy eater and dines exclusively on Struthiomimus tails and that is why the resident ‘ostrich mimics’ look suspiciously like their namesake.

Then you can charge people a couple of hundred dollars to ride one of the dinosaurs:

Shell Out on a New Ankylosaur

Dressing up birds as dinosaurs will only get your dinosaur zoo so far. People are going to get wise to your scam if they don’t see some scaly beasts after a while. An armoured ankylosaur should be the next ‘dinosaur’ you attempt to create. These creatures were powerful titans of the dinosaur era, the tanks of the Mesozoic. But how can you build one? The answer isn’t as tricky as one might think.

Simply acquire yourself a giant Galapagos tortoise and stick a variety of different sized rocks to its shell. You can also attach a fake tail (as discussed before) without the fear of being bitten as tortoises are fairly slow-witted animals. Chances are the tortoise’s new tail will be attached and ready to go without it even knowing what just happened. If anyone asks why your park’s ankylosaur walks so slowly be sure to ask them how fast they would walk if their skin was made of bricks.

Also available in Stegosaurus.

“We (don’t) have a T. rex!”

Any dinosaur zoo worth its salt (or simply pretending to be so) will need a big toothy carnivore in the mold of everyone’s favourite tyrant lizard king, Tyrannosaurus rex. Of course, finding a suitable stand in for a 40 foot long, 16 foot tall, six tonne, warm blooded predator is no easy task.

That’s where Carnotaurus comes in. While only about half the size of a T. rex, it is a decent substitute complete with a big toothy head, tiny arms and a massive tail (it also has neat looking devil horns to boot!). You’re probably thinking, “Where the heck am I gonna get one of those things!?” at this point, but rest assured, this will be the simplest and cheapest addition available to your dinosaur zoo!

The most interesting thing about Carnotaurus, in terms of Jurassic Park, is that it is often depicted as being chameleon skinned, essentially giving it the ability to turn invisible. Simply build a ‘Carnotaurus‘ enclosure and tell your guests to be very quiet or else they won’t get to catch a glimpse of it as it is easily spooked by noise.

It’ll be just like John Hammond’s Flea Circus. The gullible fools will cry out, “Oh I can see the Carnotaurus mummy, can’t you see the Carnotaurus?” – Fools!

Other ‘Classic’ Dinosaurs

Giraffe finds your plan both ludicrous and insulting.

Once you have accumulated enough ill gotten gains money from the easily misled your customers, you may wish to expand your park to include some more exotic dinosaurs such as a sauropod; the giant long necked dinosaur family that everyone loves. And by ‘sauropod’ we mean ‘giraffe with a tail extension’. You may also want to consider painting it green in order to avoid arousing suspicion.

A Triceratops is an easy one too. Just stick a couple of ice cream comes onto a rhino’s forehead and you’re done. People will readily accept your cunning ruse as the two animals are virtually identical. The clue is in the name; Rhino-saurus! (You’re an idiot –Ed)

Rhinos are notoriously cantankerous animals though, so caution is advised when attaching said ice cream cones to them. If you lack the skill and/or novelty over-sized cahonies to successfully create your own Triceratops, then your back up plan should be to simply say the rhino is in fact a newly discovered species of dinosaur which you have dubbed ‘Monoceratops’ (Yes, we are aware that Centrosaurus is a real dinosaur that fits the description fairly well, but by using the made up name ‘Monoceratops’ you can copyright it and get loads of royalties from merchandise sales – once you give a sizable share of it to Geek Ireland for giving you the idea).

Beyond the ‘Dinosaurs’!

While not an actual dinosaur, what prehistoric themed zoo wouldn’t benefit from the presence of a sabertooth tiger? They weren’t technically tigers but we’re here to make money, not learn things, so let’s move on swiftly. Obviously, putting your hand into a tiger’s mouth in order to give it bigger fangs is a good way to lose a few fingers (as well as your life). That’s why you should consider getting in a liger.

Liger is the imaginative name given to what you get when you crossbreed a lion and a tiger (isn’t science fun?). Due to a peculiar genetic glitch, ligers grow much larger in size than any other big cat. Since ligers are a fairly rare and obscure animal that does not occur naturally in the wild, a lot of people are unaware of their existence. You can just tell your customers that your liger is some sort of ice age super cat. They’ll be too awestruck by it’s size and awesomeness to wonder why it doesn’t have big fangs.

While you’re at it, be sure to collect all of your facial hair trimmings (yes, facial) for about a year. Then you can stick them to an elephant – instant woolly mammoth.

Alternatively, you can go through all the trouble (and expense) of cloning prehistoric animals and then cut costs by paying a pittance to the guy who looks after the computer programme which operates the electric fences that keep the dinosaurs from eating everyone. Your call.

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About The Author

Sean is Geek Ireland's resident dinosaur enthusiast, having been fascinated by prehistory since a time before he could read (it's not as long ago as you might think!) - he recently completed a degree in Dinosaur Paleobiology.
In his spare time, Sean writes for Geek Ireland predominantly about science fiction and monster movies. A sucker for a "so bad it's good" creature feature, he can often be found rooting through the bargain bins of DVD shops, looking for 'diamonds in the rough'.