Looking at addiction only from the standpoint of how
much we use can keep people in denial. Addiction affects our brains, our
emotional lives and our relational lives. The following are some traits
associated with alcoholism, drug addiction, prescription addiction, sex
addiction, codependency, compulsive gambling, work addiction, food addiction and
other addictions. These alone don’t necessary guarantee that one has a problem,
but it helps us begin to look at the possibility of a problem. These traits
usually occur long after the person has stopped using the substance, because the
“fallout” is still present; hence, the term, “dry drunk.”

qSelf Medication—The
person uses the substance to fix situations and feel better. Mistakenly, they
believe that they are only using it for social reasons or pain management, but
in fact it is “helping” them cope with life.

qNumbing-Avoidance of Feeling—For
those who tend toward addiction, feeling makes them feel vulnerable and out of
control. Most likely their family growing up didn’t allow for feelings and so
they have no real practice on what to do when they feel a certain way. It was
as if the family “feeling thermostat” was set to 55▫ and
everyone called it “warm.” When the substance comes along, it makes us
feel better and comforts us against any unpleasant emotion.

qShame—theterm really refers to “toxic shame” which is different from “healthy
shame” which helps us realize that we are human and “not God.” “Toxic
shame” goes further and dehumanizes us and isolates us from the rest of
humanity. We are less than others
and instead of making a mistake, we feel we are “a mistake.” Due to
toxic shame, we either admit no problems, where we act shameless, or we walk
around full of shame. This manifests itself mainly in relationships where we
either act “better than” or “less than.” Shame is responsible for
a lot of the arguments in addictive relationships. Someone is just trying to
talk with us about our behavior, but we personalize it, hear the message we are
“bad” and defend ourselves.

qDenial—is
the coping mechanism of unawareness. It is really not about lying, but
about a total unawareness that there is a problem. Oftentimes, the more severe
the problem, the more denial there is.

qMinimizing—is
the coping mechanism of acknowledging something, but making it “not that big
of a thing.” They often feel that people are making “a mountain out of a
mole hill.”

qNormalizing—This
occurs when a person wants to feel normal, because of the shame they feel. So
they surround themselves with other “addicts” who do the same level of
drinking, sexing, avoiding, etc. so they feel normal. “Everyone then must be
an alcoholic.”

qBlaming—The
alcoholic feels that “they might be somewhat at fault, but they are sure that
other people are more to blame” for whatever is happening in their lives. Even
when the have a legitimate complaint, the blame gets them stuck, causing them
to not take responsibility and find a solution. The problem is that they don’t
look as to how they contribute to the problem and, additionally, this gives them
a sense of entitlement to use their substance.

qEmotional Avoidance—People
who struggle with addiction aren’t good at staying emotionally present. The
exception is when they are angry which pushes people away. The “addiction”
becomes the “trusted source of comfort” rather than people or God.
Oftentimes, they are not emotionally aware of their feelings. This avoidance
typically creates an “emotional chase scene” where one is emotionally
trying to connect while the other runs away and avoids.

qGrandiosity—Due
to lack of self esteem, shame and the momentary awareness that “they are
screwing up the lives,” addicts become grandiose. They inflate their sense
of self to help push people away to escape vulnerability. Sometimes their
grandiosity is from achievements they have accomplished due to their “needing
to be perfect.” Addicts have an uncanny sense of being able to have low
self esteem and being the best of everything all at the same time.

qLow Self Esteem—This
is slightly different than shame in that the person reveals they low self esteem
to others. This usually can lead to depression, “victim mentality” and
lack of change in behavior.

qControlling—Really,
it is about “attempting to control.” Control is somewhat of an
illusion. We try to control what people think of us, our environments, our
spouse, and our children. We are like a director who wants to run the whole
show. If everyone would do as we wish the show would be great. But what
happens. The world doesn’t always cooperate. So we exert ourselves more by
using kindness or meanness to get them to change. We are a victim of the
delusion that we can get what we want out of life if only we manage well. [Look
at Chapter 5 of Alcoholics Anonymous].

qCodependency—This
is an addiction itself. We try to numb our feelings by fixing, thinking for,
reminding, and acting as the conscience of those around us. We can be more in
touch with their life than our own. We learn this survival skill usually by
growing up in a family that has addiction or is dysfunctional. We had to
predict what was going to happen next.

qBlack & White Thinking--Rigid
Thinking—Addiction is not about
moderation. We have trouble being moderate in most things. It’s like the
addiction kills all the “reasonable brain cells” or “grey cell”
leaving only the black or the white, the all or the nothing.

qAnger—If
there is a feeling that is expressed, it is usually anger. Not having their
substance makes them irritable and angry.

qQuick Fix Mentality—Addicts
are used to “fixing” their uncomfortable feelings with their addiction. As a
result, they expect change to happen fast and have difficulty waiting for things
or progress over time. That is one of the reasons relapse is so common is that
they are unable to withstand the painful/ uncomfortable feelings that occur with
withdrawal.

qEgo Boundaries—Alcoholics
and addicts have trouble maintain ego boundaries. They have an inflated sense
of self. They feel too responsible for what is going on around them and they
have an inordinate sense of influence over others. They feel that they can just
talk with someone to make everything right.

qIrresponsible and Unmanageable—Addicts
have difficulty managing their lives. The have trouble with procrastination,
following through, and avoiding.