[as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in]

Moe: Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]

Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.

[on TV we see The man dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]

Homer: Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Homer: [Looking at Bart's picture] Oh what a beau... Aaah! Burn it! Send it to hell!

Marge: Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?

[Homer wipes his face with a frozen dinner and pulls the peas out from underneath him.]

Marge: Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!

Homer: Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have foosball, do they?

[Homer daydreams about himself at the museum, playing Foosball with a statue.]

TV Commercial Voice: This match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer i'm leaving

Moe: Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]

Ned Flanders: Now now there's plenty exits for everyone!

Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]

Skinner: Hey now that's uncalled for.

Lenny: Shut Your hole Skinner!

[Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people fighting on the stairs, Knocking and bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish men watching the game stare boredly at nothing in particular].

Wiseguy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.

Homer: Five days?! But I'm mad now! Oh, I'd kill you if I had my gun...!

Wiseguy: Yeah, well, you don't.

Homer: Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

Clerk: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...

Homer: Yeah.

Clerk: frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer: [nervously] Yeah.

Clerk: ...beat up President Bush!

Homer: Former President Bush.

[the clerk slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout]

Homer: "Potentially dangerous"?

Clerk: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer: Woo hoo!

Marge: I'm sorry Homer, no weapons.

Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.

Moe: [at an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.

Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?

Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.

[Audience cheers and applauds]

Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

[Lisa is staring at the garage roof when Homer pulls in]

Lisa: Hey dad could you get my basketball down.

Homer: Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]

[The basketball fall to the ground and deflates]

Homer: Want me to get the cat down too?

Lisa: [Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks.

Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Bart Simpson: Um...

Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!

[points gun to himself]

Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

Homer: You said the breakfast table.

Marge: It's the same table!

Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.

[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]

Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.

[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]

Homer: I'd better just put it down.

[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]

Lisa: No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Homer: Hey anybody want a beer. [Shoots the can open]

Dr. Hibbert: You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer: I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Cleatus: Are you some kind of moron?!

Louie: You coulda hurt somebody!

Homer: What?

Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Homer: Well, if you have a better way of living through my son, I'd like to hear it.

Homer: My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.

Bart's mind: It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.

Homer: [talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer: (offscreen) Scully, you're cut. Eh, Brooks, Greoning, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut, so is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman. I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Peitila, Bridge, Kuwarahara. There's so many cuts here. Look, I just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy, you're cut - all of you. He's cut, I cut you.

Lisa: Principal Skinner, remember when I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.

Principal Skinner: I knew this day would come. [voice over intercom] Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Homer: [scoffs] Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.

Lisa: Quite preposterous, but no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is. Can't you do a DNA test or something?

Dr. Gould: Certainly, I'll have the results by tomorrow.

Lisa: Oh, thank you so much. Er... you know... I can't afford to pay you.

Dr. Gould: I didn't become a scientist for financial gain. Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

Homer: [singing]Here's the angel, see the angel

It's my angel, no one else's, next to the rakes

Lisa: I don't think you should call this thing an angel. There's no proof of that.

Homer: No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully you'll notice I never once used the word "angel."

Lisa: What about that sign right there?

[She points at a sign which says "angel" in huge letters]

Homer: That's a typo.

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity - a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.

Rev. Lovejoy: (preaching at church) This so called "new religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate.

Glen: Your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years, then something might open up in a double.

Homer: Why even unpack?

Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie ... so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?

Glen: What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.

Homer: Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movies. I have a very short attention span.

Jane: But our point is very simple, you see when...

Homer: Oh look! A bird! Hee hee hee!

[Homer runs after the bird]

Glen: Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon.

Jane: [sinister] The lawyers.

Lisa: It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.

Bart: You said it, sister.

TV voice-over: You are watching Fox.

Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: We are watching Fox.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status!

Smithers: Actually, sir, with our creative book-keeping and corporate loop holes we only pay three dollars a year.

Mr. Burns: [Shocked] You're right, we're getting screwed! There must be something we can do about this. Yes, I believe I know just the thing [Evil laugh] [Long Pause]

Smithers: Uh, sir... You've got to tell me what the plan is, or nothing will happen.

Mr. Burns: Oh, right. The plan. You see me as a God, right, Smithers?

Smithers: Absolutely, sir!

Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me?

Smithers: Boy, would I!

Mr. Burns: Yes... uh... Then I'll just form my own religion, with its own special symbol [Burns starts sketching down a symbol.] We'll use this special K! [It's the Kellogg symbol]

Smithers: I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.

Mr. Burns: Do people worship it?

Smithers: In a way...

Mr. Burns: Alright, then... how about this? [Sketches another symbol, which is Mickey Mouse's ears.]

Guy: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [Face drops] At least, I'd.. like to.

Bart: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?

Homer: What about you?

Guy 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.

Guy 3: I beg celebrities for money!

Guy 4: I'm a prison snitch.

Guy 5: Jug band manager.

Guy 6: My legs hurt!

[Homer sees Lisa further depressed and has kicked out the relatives, believing they're just as pathetic as his father.]

Marge: Wait Homer, you didn't talk to everyone. What about the women?

Homer: What do you do [Reads the name tag of a female relative who looks like Lisa] Dr. Simpson?

Lisa: [Brightens] Dr.!

Dr. Simpson: I'm the head of complicated surgeries.

[Lisa asked if she went to college. Dr. Simpson admits she did as well as her sisters who became successful as a lawyer, architect, and a sales coordinator at a bed company specializing in bunk and trundle beds.]

Doughnut 1: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!

Doughnut 2: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu-- hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?

Homer: Uh… maybe.

Smithers: Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Homer: [sees charred doughnut] Success!

Burns: You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?

Homer: Uh...it's my first day.

Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]

Smithers: Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.

Burns: Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?

Homer: It's my first day.

Burns: Well, why didn't you say-- Yawoo! You're fired!

Announcer: Daybreak: Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve, America's seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

Homer: We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light. [starts clapping]

Moe: The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]

Homer: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge: Homer!

Homer: But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

Homer: No way, man! My hair is who I am! [the barbers shave Homer anyway. Outside, Barney, Moe and others hold their shaven hair while Homer has the two strands that are left of his hair] Ow, I'm a freak!

Drill Sergent: (to Apu) Tuck in that shirt. (to Moe) Shine those shoes, mister. (to Homer, who has on the Foam Dome beer hat he last wore on "Selma's Choice") Oh, for the love of...

(Homer, Smithers, and Mr. Burns are on a raft back to America after their disastrous encounter with Fidel Castro)

Mr. Burns: If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.

Lisa: They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!

Bart: I'll show Lisa who's dumb.

[He picks up newspaper]

Bart: Supreme Court reverses...uuuhh, I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics! All right, I'll read one comic just to get me rolling. Archie. "Hey, Jughead, did you hear, the Supreme Court reversed"...ooohh!

Burns: Well then, get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.

Homer: Maybe, but you don't know Lisa, I mean she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge, it overloaded, and then it got really hot and caught on fire!

Carl: That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer?

Homer: Ah, yes, but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter. :[he starts to leave, then rushes out]: Oh, Lisa!

Lisa: Stupid bus can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go... ;[spies a flattened raccoon]: Ugh!

Cletus: I seen it first. :[scoops it into truck with shovel]: Ooh, Girly Sue's gonna have an elegant wedding feast.

Lisa: Aha. Um, listen, I'm kind of lost. Do you think you can give me a lift downtown?

Brandine: Cletus, what are you beating your gums about?

Cletus: Never you mind, Brandine. You just go back to birthin' that baby. Yeah, I'll fetch you a ride, little missy, hop on in. Mind the skunk, them things can go off even after they's dead.

[Lisa retches and runs away]:

Marge: A bus? Alone? Absolutely not. It's just too dangerous for an 8-year-old. In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take the bus.

Milhouse: Woah, looking sharp.

Bart: Well, thanks guv'nor.

[The novelties fall off Bart's face]

Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.

Bart: Milhouse, I'm not going to take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face. I have a better idea.

Reverend: Now let's all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his wondrous creation.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

Lisa: Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!

Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refrigerator motor?

Homer: Naw, I never thought I'd live this long.

Homer: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Hahaha!

Marge: Heh, heh, mmm...yeah.

Chief Wiggum: Boy, I'll tell you, they only come out at night... or, in this case, the day.

Marge: Whatever happened to Grampa? He was supposed to baby-sit.

[Cut to Grampa in the Flanders's house watching Rod and Todd play checkers]

Grampa: [to Rod] Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.

Rod: I'm not Bart, I'm Rod Flanders.

Grampa: There you go with that smart mouth! (to Todd) Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.

Todd: Yes, sir!

[Homer and Marge have ended up naked in the middle of a football game in the Springfield Stadium]