The Universe’s Greatest Mystery: What Women Want

Being a fan of the didactics of “Misogyny 101”, I’d like to point out another instance of a woman not knowing what in hell what she wants.

The case in point is a girl that I once had a fairly intense romantic relationship with. Now, these days, she’s engaged to be married, she’s just had a kid (she should have reversed the order of those two, but alas, no one cares anymore in today’s society), and who is very much settling down.

This mystery woman wanted me to know I am an “old friend who can say whatever”. So, in one email, I attempted a compliment, because I do know that women need good potting soil, a lot of light, water, and a constant flow of compliments.

All I dared say was — this is not a verbatim quote, but anyway — “You know, you’re a hell of a girl. I doubt I’ll ever be 100% over you.”

In return, I get an email reminiscent of one long sigh, telling me that the recipient feels she “is being disloyal by just reading such a thing”.

Now, come on! I’m not a homewrecker. I don’t break up relationships, especially when there’s a kid involved. I don’t stop weddings. In fact, were the good lady in question single but still with her child, I would still shy away from her, not because I can’t stand children, but because I’m not in any way equipped to be a father yet — much less a stepfather!

So, I just don’t get it. Had a girl from my past written me something similar, I would have been flattered, but certainly not taken it as overture to restarting romantic activities, especially if I had a child and was engaged to be married. The truth of the matter is that, while I may or may not be “an old friend” of the female in question, I can’t “say whatever I want”, obviously.

Of course, in this case, the woman in question is taking the compliment even further — that my comment somehow implies that I want to wreck her whole current relationship and get back together. Which I wouldn’t want to do, nor would I really want to date her if she was single again, even without child — that chapter of my life is closed, and frankly, our personalities clashed a bit.

I suppose where women are concerned, I should dump all concepts of chivalry out the window and triple-check my messages for anything that could possibly be misconstrued — like, for instance, “Hello!”

Now, I did do my best to respond and point out to the young woman that if she thought that I was the type to come in and try to smash up a family, she certainly didn’t know me well enough to call me “an old friend” and that I was highly disappointed.

I expect I’ll be getting some sort of histrionic comment back telling me that again, somehow, I got it all wrong and I’m evil.

Which leads us back to our topic, which was, what the hell do women want? And how can they not understand men, when we are as simple as “sit, scratch, watch ballgame”?

My favorite male-female situation is when a woman asks me what I’m thinking, because the answer, invariably is — and hey, you women, remember this, you can check it with any man you know — absolutely nothing. I am thinking about absolutely nothing. Only my autonomic systems are functioning, and that means the most important thing on my mind is most likely, Where did I put the remote? — and even that isn’t really formed as a coherent thought.