ello, faithful readers! If you’re like me, you are an insane music fan and will do your best to hear the latest tunes on the street to keep your hipness quotient elevated. Hell, no one wants to be labeled as one of those old coots who only listens to Bread and Styx, so it’s important to get a firm grasp on what the youth is grooving to even as you get older. It makes you a more well-rounded listener, and allows you to have card-carrying proof that you have indeed been keeping up with the times. Granted, if you’re not a music critic and have to actually go out and buy a ton of CDs instead of having record labels give them to you like they were going out of style (ahem), keeping current can be costly. But fear not, as I am here for you.

If you didn’t know, Victory Records is the label that all the kids who are into the heaviness dig. You can see ‘em walking around in their official black and white Victory Records t-shirts at the local mall, movie theatres, or wherever kids are seen these days. The Victory label means a lot to these kids. You probably don’t know why, and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out either, but these Victory kids have their fingers on the pulse of the hippest and trendiest heaviness coming out of the music biz today. Just go up to one next time you see them in their little groups and ask them why they love the label so much. You’ll probably get a response like, “Becuz Victory totally rawks, dood! Real bands singin’ about real thingz!” And of course as I have told you in the past right here in these reviews, “real things” these days are pain and sadness.

Which brings us to Victory Records’ catalog item VR347, publicly known as Deliver Us, by the group Darkest Hour. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Wow, with a name and title like that, I don’t need to actually listen to the CD.” Well, that’s probably true, but since I’m here to do the listening for you, we might as well pop the ol’ disc into the player and see what happens. You never know; this could be the great power pop album of 2007!

All right, cue it up, maestro. Ahhhhh, yes. The first track is called “Doomsdayer (The Beginning of the End).” Oh, this is nice. It starts off with lovely acoustic guitars reminiscent of ‘70s groups embracing the medieval influence. This could be promising! Wait…the acoustic guitars have stopped. There is now a wash of electrical guitar noise coupled with what sounds like double bass drums being kicked to death and a singer doing the Cookie Monster screamo delivery thing. I can’t make out what he’s bitching about. Okay, this is shit. Next!

The next song is “Sanctuary.” It starts out with double, maybe triple or quadruple-timed drum beats, some minor guitar chords and Cookie Monster screaming. I still can’t make out what the lead singer is yelling about. It must be bad, though. He sounds upset. I hate it. You will too.

Track three is called “Demon(s).” There’s actually a melodic riff that opens the song. More pounded drums and – yep – more screamed vocals from the lead dude who seems to think he must project from the bottom of his scrotum. The song is probably about demons torturing him, though I don’t have the time to care or a magic decoder ring to decipher his undoubtedly piss-poor lyrics. People actually buy this stuff and pay this band to entertain them? Why not just flush your allowances down the toilet, kids? You could at least drop a deuce on it first and get the same effect.

“An Ethereal Drain” literally starts out with lead guy screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” while the band dry humps their instruments madly once again. I don’t have time for this.

“A Paradox with Flies” begins quietly, perhaps bringing to mind the weirdness that Tool likes to incorporate in their songs. Wait for it…wait for it…there it is! Band goes into frenzy and lead guy screams. How much money can I place on the next song sucking completely in a similar fashion?

“The Light at the Edge of the World” starts off slow and quiet…sort of like “Ten Years Gone” by Zeppelin. Ooh wait, that’s a backwards guitar bit! Innovative! Now there’s some more melody from the axes and the lead screamer’s keeping it to a mumble! Holy shit! This is the best thing on here! Not that I or you will ever want to hear it again.

Double that for “Fire in the Skies,” “Full Imperial Collapse,” and “Deliver Us.”

OK, it has now become irrefutable fact that Victory Records’ music is pretty much terrible and that its myriad fans have no taste in music whatsoever. Even if I was going through my teenage years right now I would safely and correctly make this same statement. But before we go, here are some awesome facts about the band printed up in the promo copy’s disc sleeve so you remember who you’re messin’ with!

DARKEST HOUR has sold over 200,000 records! (To whom, the record stores themselves?)

DARKEST HOUR has appeared several times on MTV2’s HEADBANGER’S BALL and FUSE’s URANIUM. (So have countless other talentless bands.)

Full-length promotional CDs and posters will be provided to key retailers to support Deliver Us. (That’s okay, I just listened to this for you, and if the poster is a recreation of this album’s artwork, you’re best just hanging a picture of puke on your wall instead.)

Aggressive Victory Street Team marketing will promote Deliver Us directly to their targeted fan base. (Really? So what you actually mean is they’ll just hang out, chain smoking cigarettes and generally bitching about nothing while occasionally handing out a flyer for the CD, the majority of which will just be dumped in an open area on the ground for someone else to clean up as is the norm for those rabid street teamers.)