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Monday, July 15, 2013

Who Am I & What Am I Doing Here??

I feel like I haven't yet really yet revealed very much about myself. I am still "finding my voice" on this blog, in a way. So, I would like to answer the all too generic questions of who I am and why I am here with the goal of putting my thoughts and my day to day on the internet for anyone to read. It's not that complicated, really.

I am an introvert at heart, although I have overcome a lot of my shyness throughout the years. I've never been the social butterfly. There was a point in my life where I thought that meant something was wrong with me. I tried to force myself into being someone that I wasn't. I tried on so many different "selves" only to end up exactly where I started. And that's ok. I am still learning that happiness is not conforming to others' idea of what you should be, but it's being true to yourself no matter what that truth happens to be.

I am sensitive. Overly sensitive, at times. I can't tell you how many times I have been told that I "need thicker skin". Sometimes I think I must have a target on my back, but in reality I probably just take things too personally or let them sink in too deeply. I quickly turn to "flight" rather than "fight" when I am aggressed or when personal situations become too much for me. It's my method of protecting myself. At times, this can backfire. It's something I need to work on, I guess.

I have a big heart. I love my coffee. Sometimes I wonder if I love the idea of coffee more than the coffee itself, because I often (most of the time) will brew a cup and not even take a sip.

I love my husband and my son more than anything. John and I are a team in parenting, in work, and in love. It's not always easy. There are days when we don't agree on many things. But we get through them and we are stronger in the end. As long as we remember that we are that team and that we will make it through, we can see the light at the end of any tunnels.

Although I am a new mom, I do not want to lose myself. I am creative. I am always expressing myself artistically whether through drawing, writing, taking photographs... I don't want to let that part of myself go because that's what makes me me. I don't think you should ever have to give yourself away just because you've become a parent.

I like to include lots of fragments in my writing. I know they're there, but I like them. I hate it when I see incorrect grammar and incorrectly spelled words, although I've made my share of mistakes. We are all human.

There are so many reasons I wanted to start this blog and many more that have become apparent along the way that push me to continue. Initially, it was a great way to keep everyone in the know with our baby boy's development and growth and our stories. But as time has gone on, I realize this has a lot to do with me. I want it to be about my life with a baby. My experiences, my wisdoms-gained. I get this excitement when it comes to helping someone who may be going through something that I have myself, giving or getting advice on why something worked versus another. I realize everyone has different experiences and preferences. Sometimes it's nice to contrast and compare, build a sense of community among us new moms in a somewhat unknown territory.

My blog also acts as a showcase for my somewhat newfound hobby, photography. I love photography. I didn't have any real hobbies until just recently. I was always engrossed in school and then work and that left me little time to "play" per say. I am happy to have a new place to show and track my progress, post pictures that I have taken and am proud of. My self-taught growth is apparent even in the few months that I have been doing this and I like to look back or critique my work. I think it's important to have a talent that you can take pride in.I think it helps add to one's own self-worth. And that alone is reason enough to keep doing anything you love.

Blogging in itself is a hobby. It's an outlet. I love to write and I always have. I have to feel inspired or else it doesn't flow. Those days are "picture posting" days. But when I really feel something and need to get it out, I am thankful to have a place to do it. Some people have sports. Some have music. Others go to the gym. I like to write. I'm glad that I am letting myself explore that again. Of course I love my music, too. Just don't ask me to play anything for you. Or sing. Oh, please, don't ask me to sing.

It's also great way to find the humor in an otherwise awful day. It's better when others can laugh with you at things that can so quickly take your day into a downward spiral.

I hope my blog will help other moms out there find a sense of relief that we are not alone. I hope I can inspire some laughs and maybe even some tears (good ones, of course). Being a new mom is not easy. I think we all need as much support as we can get. There is so much to learn and it's nice to have others near that are going through it with you. When your day is filled with load after load of laundry (didn't I just wash this?), back to back feedings, the endless washing of bottles, playing with that same toy again and again, there is less showering and makeup than spit-up and carrot stains (the worst), and going out of the house seems like a chore when all you want to do is sit on the couch and do some browsing on the internet, a blog can be a comfort and a friend whether you are reading one or writing on one.

I am going to revamp my approach here a little. I want to be open and honest and gain your trust and your friendship. I want to reveal more about my days, even the dirty details that might not make for a Stepford, but certainly pertain to new motherhood. Because that's why you're here in the first place, isn't it?

So this is me. Some days I will be ripe with optimism and some days I may feel a bit down. There will be times when I can't help but let out the inner cynic. (Ok, lots of times for that one.) There will be days when I express fears and others when I am fearless. There are going to be times I am just so excited to share something and others when I just want to slap up a few pics and be done with it. Sounds a lot like life to me.