A BRIDGE TOO FAR

Nearly 20 hours and 47 cans of Purple Tin later, the Fiver still hasn't properly digested last night's shock at Stamford Bridge, nor the cans of Purple Tin. What happened in west London was so unprecedented and so unexpected that the Fiver had to pinch a stranger on the tube to make sure we weren't dreaming. The subsequent slap in the face confirmed it was real: the Special One genuinely had been quite magnanimous in defeat. There was no allusion to a sinister conspiracy masterminded by Uefa, Unesco or UFOs, no suggestion of skullduggery by Atlético Madrid and no condemnation or sarcastic acclaim for the referee. It would have been easy to explain the lack of emetic bilge by claiming José Mourinho must have been ill, except even Rui Faria accepted Chelsea's defeat without so much as manhandling a passer-by.

Of course, what the Special One also did not say was that he goofed. There was no suggestion that he might have got his approach to the tie all wrong, no acknowledgement that the ambition-free 0-0 in Madrid stopped looking like a tactical masterclass the second that Atlético equalised last night and no admission that his substitutions ultimately turned the game in the opposition's favour rather than in Chelsea's. Mourinho just congratulated Atlético and said his players had pretty much done the best that they could. It fell to one of those players to hint that the Special One may not have done the best by those players. "Chelsea aren't set up to play football," Eden Hazard simpered. "Chelsea are set up to counter-attack, a bit like Real against Bayern," he continued, not bothering to point out that Real were playing away, with a lead, and against a Bayern team that plays nothing like Atlético.

It was hard to tell whether Hazard was bemoaning his manager's approach or just stating the facts, but you had to wonder. The Fiver also finds itself wondering whether it was for this that Roman Abramovich brought back the Special One? Like all billionaires who made much of their fortunes by muscling in on vast reserves of natural resources during the disintegration of the Soviet Union, Abramovich is a romantic. For him, beauty and success should be wedded in blissful union. Or beauty should at least be seduced by the sugar daddy of constant trophies. Instead, Carlo Ancelotti, sacked by Chelsea after guiding the club to a league and cup double, will contest Big Cup final with a club from which the Special One was sacked at the end of a season in which he won nothing. How many such seasons can Mourinho endure before he brands himself a specialist in failure?

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FIVER LETTERS (STARRING PETER OH)

"It seems that football journalists, Sunday league philosophers, armchair fantasy managers and grocery store cashiers everywhere have rung the death bell of tiki-taka after Real Madrid's Big Cup dismantling of Bayern. In today's world of black-and-white ideas, easy labels and Twittered attention spans, it seems that the style of bus-parking defensive, counter-attacking football in vogue these days is crying out for its own catchy name, à la the late great tiki-taka (may it rest in peace). I offer up 'round-and-round' (in reference to how the wheels go in the nursery rhyme), 'vroom-vroom', and 'honk-honk' as candidates for the new catchphrase. If you prefer something more exotic, perhaps 'buzú-buzú' (the Portuguese slang for 'bus'; note that there are two buses in the expression, in a nod to my man Brendan Rodgers)" – Peter Oh.

"Was I alone in hearing the searing chorus of the Eric Carmen ballad in my head upon reading Eden Hazard's self-pitying post-match tear-jerker?" – Peter Oh.

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BITS AND BOBS

Corinthians players donned replica Ayrton Senna helmets as they lined up before their Copa do Brasil match at Nacional in tribute to the late F1 driver.

A Swansea City fan has been awarded VIP tickets to the Liberty Stadium after rescuing Michel Vorm's lost dog from traffic. "I could tell he was not street-savvy and looked lost. I had to do something before he got knocked down," said Trefor Davies. "The dog doesn't listen," fumed Vorm.

Watford are to rename the Rous Stand at Vicarage Road in honour of Graham Taylor. The Fiver, at this point, attempted to come up with something clever but could only manage Can We Not Knock It Down And Build Something With A Larger Capacity? And Do I Not Like That Lack Of Adequate Leg Room.

Andy Awford has been appointed full-time Portsmouth manager after a successful caretaker stint. "The rebuild won't be quick and simple," he enthused.

And Stevenage boss Graham Westley is already getting his game-face on for next season's League Two campaign. Predominantly by shifting the blame for relegation. "It's been very difficult working with this group of lads," he finger-pointed. "I've been pushing and pushing and pushing and trust me I know how to push players to get a performance … I can't stand being where we've been or doing what we've been doing; it grates at my insides."