Friday, November 12, 2010

Wherein I talk about Cam Newton

Hello sportsfans! I'd like to talk semi-seriously about the Cam Newton situation today. I know, I know, you mostly come for the fart and weiner jokes. Well, I'll see what I can do, but I am not a miracle worker.

So, Cam Newton may have asked for money from Mississippi State before ending up at Auburn. This is in a direct violation of NCAA rules, where only the people who are not performing the work are the ones who can be paid.

Do we know, for sure, that he did it at this point? No. In fact, our only evidence is a former player who works as an agent. A former Mississippi State player. GEE, THAT ISN'T SUSPICIOUS IN THE SLIGHTEST.

But what is really grinding my gears is the Heisman debate. There are a couple of facts that should be stated at this point:

FACT: The Heisman Trophy (ostensibly) goes to the best player in any given year.FACT: Cam Newton is the best player in college football this year.FACT: At this point, Cam Newton should win the Heisman easily.FACT: Innocent until proven guilty is the standard in America.

And yet, you have (sorry mother, in this one I'm cursing) absolute dipshits like Pat Forde. See, Mr. 40 said that having just been through the Reggie Bush debacle, he has a sour taste in his mouth. Since he feels his vote didn't count, he is reluctant to vote for Newton because he wants his vote to count. And his vote wouldn't count if Newton wins and then later is stripped of the award.

This is not something that is unusual in America. For example, living in Idaho and voting for a Democrat for President means in a very real way that your vote did not count. I'm not referring to some nebulous election fraud of some sort. But due to the way we elect our President unless you vote for the same candidate as 50.1% of the people in your state, guess what? Your vote means the same as a fart in the wind.

Now, obviously, there is a difference between President and Heisman winner. For example, the Heisman winner can make a difference in my life personally (fantasy football, where if you are reading Bryan I am sorry for beating you this past week). The point I am trying to make here is that our vote not counting for something is not a unique situation. And if something so fucking petty as "MY VOTE DIDN'T COUNT IN THIS COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARD THAT LITERALLY MEANS THE PERSON IN QUESTION GETS A TROPHY AND NOTHING ELSE" (Hi there Matt Leinart) make you do the wrong thing? Well, let's just go ahead and add that to the list of things that make Ford-E (which i believe was the codename for the Edsel) a shitty sportswriter. Nevermind the fact that it isn't going to say somewhere down the line in a golden history book "Pat Forde cast the deciding vote that gave ______________________ the Heisman."

"But Angry," you ask, with a slack look on your face and your eyes glazed over, "Why do you care? After all, you yourself just said the Heisman doesn't really mean anything. Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?"

Well, here's where my beef with not voting for Newton because you want your vote to count historically. Again, the Heisman is the award for the best player in college football. By not voting for the best player in college football, you are doing the wrong thing. The absolute, flat out, zero-sum wrong fucking thing.

Who am I to complain about doing the wrong thing? Well, I'm certainly no saint, but I can share this anecdote. In high school, I was in a situation where telling what would barely qualify as a lie in regards to drinking, where I had taken literally one tiny sip of Vodka&Gatorade, would have gotten me in absolutely zero trouble. I'm talking none, whatsoever.

What did 17 year old me do? Admitted that I had taken one sip (I got just enough to realize it was disgusting and stopped) and got suspended for 5 days. So again, while I'm not perfect, I do know a little something about doing the right thing when in the long run it doesn't matter.

DO the right thing, 40 Ounces of Dumb. Unless evidence comes to light immediately and he is declared ineligible, Newton should win the 2010 Heisman.