An aspirant's several years search for Allah, made possible by His grace/mercy ,and not through any efforts of the seeker

Thursday, June 23, 2016

213. Epilogue: Letter to God

This is the epilogue to book
five. This is 4:37 on 5/23/2016. I want to take few months break due to two
reasons. First, nobody, or close to nobody, reads my blogs. That is
discouraging; my thoughts are worth nothing to the world. Second, I get no
encouragement from God in my quest. He could support my heart by providing me
some help. But during these 16 years, 5 months and few days He has given me
zero help (He has given me lot of technical help but that does not count). What
I want is some breakthrough which should clarify the issue, remove all doubts,
and be supernatural (beyond human power) in kind. And it is very simple. For
instance if Qalandar-a-Azam (QA) or Daata Sahib (DS) directly contact me by
making words in my brain, as they do quite frequently with RQ and SK, it will
give me certitude, because only God and His deputies can form words in brain (Devil
reportedly has this capacity, but I do not want to bring him in this equation___
it is between me and God).

O God, help me. Take pity on me.
You are leaving everything up to me. I am not capable of reaching you on my
own. I have tried but failed. The task is too big for me. I am not strong like
BBJ or QA. I am a very ordinary person. I could become strong with a little
help from You. If I could see green Allah sign on closing my eyes and have only
Your thought in my mind at that time, I could have great progress. There is a
string of brass bells hanging in my meditation room, if only they would chime.

Dear God, You are too big and I am
too small, like a grain of sand and mighty sun. if You are not going to help
me, why select such an unworthy person. Anybody who travels on this path is
selected by You. You select them to select themselves.

I have two more things to say.
One; that I did put everything on line to be near You. There were 2-3 days when
my life hung in balance. I did pass the test. Last year You sent a test of
sickness which lasted for several months. I would cough for days 2-3 hundred
times per 24 hours. My brother wanted to pray for my health and wanted me to do
a vazeefa. I absolutely refused both. Never for once did I ask You for
relief. I wanted to submit to Your will, not willy-nilly but willingly. Two,
all these mighty saints were shown a glimpse of You in 16 years. After such a
glimpse, sticking to the path is a virtual certainty. Leaving the path is not
an option for anybody. I have not been given a glimpse, despite the fact that I
am weaker than them. I should be given some credit for my tenacity.

Take the one (and only) instance
where You sent direct supernatural help to console me. Through RQ I was told
that I will get what I want at or before age 78. The trouble is that I cannot
verify it till the actual event happens. I cannot convince anybody else that God
has told me so (through intermediaries). if the message had come through
somebody who did not know me, it would have been believable ___like
Shahab’s sister-in-law in Germany who knew nothing about Shahab’s prayer to God
for Lady Fatima’s help (blog 65), prior to her dream, yet told him about his
prayer and its acceptance. . On the other hand, RQ knew everything about me;
his message was tainted with prior knowledge of me. Maybe they were his own
thoughts.

Current status is that there has
been no further progress for about 6 months.As if there is a wall in front. The speed of bicycle has increased but
it never takes off to become an aircraft. I do not too much mind the delay till
age 78, what drives me to madness is lack of a clear sign. I asked QA to
contact me directly, but he refused. He right away understood the motive behind
my request and said, “There is hell of a difference in belief in God without
any miracle (to convince you) and after witnessing a miracle”. He also said, “I
cannot help him even if I wanted to, nobody can. It is a matter between him and
God”. His helplessness is amazing. The thought, that such a mighty Entity as
God knows me and takes interest in my affairs, sends chills in my body.

My aim has changed. Green Allah sign,
bliss, supernatural event, closeness to God, are all welcome but now nothing
will satisfy me except merger in Him, and cessation of my separate identity,
like drop merging in ocean. I get plenty of bliss everyday during my session.

11 comments:

Yours.
said...

Dear Seeker, I find this post not very right. You can not demand from God. Who are you to demand? You must open yourself to the very real possibility that God is answering you but you refuse to see and hear it. Your quest is too singular, isolated and selfish. God surrounds you and gives you love all day long. Open yourself to the reality of that. God loves you. What more is there? You have life! See God in it.

I m surprised by ur blog. U wrote u r depressed 1stly cuz no 1 read ur blog and 2ndly cuz u didn't get a response from Allah. I felt being a seeker u prioritised wrongI m no expert to comment on u but I know our body is a gift of Allah and we are answerable for its well being so by putting it in misery in belief that u will get a reply is absurd and a self assumed test. It's funny cuz may b it was d other way around May b taking care of it was d test? As that way we agreed with Allah.& y look for Allah in signs from unknown people and by self assumed difficult tests y not search for him simple as I read and believe Allah is more near than our pulse let d blood flow naturally. Everything is a sign around us. I forgot d name of d professor who was in charge of studying mummies in France and by finding sea salts on a mummy found from Egypt and read that in Quran it's mentioned that firoun was drowned in sea was so impressed that he converted

I m back again sorry but I couldn't help but saying few more things Change d heading it's not letter to God if u read it again it's addressed to again your unknown people and general public and I feel u wanted answer that if some1 is actually reading.Like u wanted answer a SOLID proof Or a MEDAL that u can show to others that Allah has answered u if not others than to yourself at least. And u r so busy in finding that solid proof that u miss what Allah is providing u already every min.Lastly when will u b back? I hope 4 months had changed ur perspective. Running around and asking to get help from others is not gonna help. U quote Shahab Saab I hv read him so many times that I remb all those lines by heart in last chapter he mentioned when people say they will tell u how to get there I m so astonished as i don't find anything which is not explained in Quran or in Proplet P.B.U.H life. That's what I tried to say earlier as well by example of MauriceAnd yes I came across ur blog when I wrote 99 year young fakir again from Shahabnama