Joe Burrow Offers To Carry You To Class, Just Like He Carried The Whole Goddamn Team Last Weekend

Students are waving their white flags as professors assign three exams, four projects, and a cure for diabetes all due before fall break. Fortunately, Joe Burrow has volunteered to pick up the slack and carry your lifeless body to class, just like he carried the Tigers in their game against Ole Miss last Saturday.

On top of carrying you to class, Burrow will also carry a speaker blaring Lil Uzi and Meek Mill to get your mind “hype” for Econ. He’ll also lug you back home, but will switch to Kid Cudi and John Mayer to aid in recovering from the beating you will inevitably be subjected to in econ. A beating just the the one he gave to Ole Miss last Saturday.

“We need to have positivity on the field, or I mean classroom, so if that means giving everyone a caramel apple sucker every hour, then so be it,” stated Burrow. “I’ll carry them in my backpack for you, just like I carried the whole goddamn team in the game against Ole Miss last Saturday.”

“All you have to do is stop tailing off and being sluggish. I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna be a dog fight and you’re gonna have to strap your knuckles and get ready for a street fight, but you’re ready for it. That’s what I told myself last Saturday when I carried the entire team in the game against Ole Miss.”

Burrow thinks the student body can execute this week in flying colors, but with his help of course.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.