RON HART: ‘50 shades’ of 2012

Published: Sunday, December 30, 2012 at 05:20 PM.

Hillary Clinton denied knowing much about the Benghazi attacks, and then said she had a "concussion" and could not testify. It made us all feel nostalgic to hear a Clinton denying things again.

Hillary and the Obama administration blamed an obscure YouTube video for the murder of our ambassador to Libya. She will prove hard to replace; the ability to quickly blame others is what Barack Obama looks for in a cabinet appointee.

John Kerry, who is like Al Gore without the flash and sizzle, was quickly appointed Secretary of State. Democrats did not want to leave the seat vacant for long for fear Clint Eastwood would start yelling at it. With Kerry, the plan is apparently to bore our adversaries into agreeing with us.

Tension mounted as an increasingly divided country reacted to the most divisive president ever. Many states in the South petitioned the White House to secede. In the South, "Fifty Shades of Grey" is not an erotic novel; it is the new Confederate uniform catalogue. On the bright side, if we do secede, Northern sportswriters might eventually get it right in always ranking Notre Dame No. 1.

Arguments for gun control surfaced again after shootings in Oregon, Colorado and Connecticut. We carry more guns in the South, but there is more gun control in the North. I find it interesting that all the mass shootings are up there. Hmmm.

Chicago is our country's murder capital, and it has strong “gun control laws.” Gangs kill so many Chicagoans that Mayor Rahm Emanuel runs the only city with a Social Security surplus. Chicago's ban on guns helped it to a 19.4 per 100,000 persons murder rate; the percentage in gun-friendly San Antonio, Texas, is 8.6. If you want to see where things are heading here, Hugo Chavez’s Caracas, Venezuela, (which was praised by the U.N. for its gun control laws) had 130 murders per 100,000 people.

Hillary Clinton denied knowing much about the Benghazi attacks, and then said she had a "concussion" and could not testify. It made us all feel nostalgic to hear a Clinton denying things again.

Hillary and the Obama administration blamed an obscure YouTube video for the murder of our ambassador to Libya. She will prove hard to replace; the ability to quickly blame others is what Barack Obama looks for in a cabinet appointee.

John Kerry, who is like Al Gore without the flash and sizzle, was quickly appointed Secretary of State. Democrats did not want to leave the seat vacant for long for fear Clint Eastwood would start yelling at it. With Kerry, the plan is apparently to bore our adversaries into agreeing with us.

Tension mounted as an increasingly divided country reacted to the most divisive president ever. Many states in the South petitioned the White House to secede. In the South, "Fifty Shades of Grey" is not an erotic novel; it is the new Confederate uniform catalogue. On the bright side, if we do secede, Northern sportswriters might eventually get it right in always ranking Notre Dame No. 1.

Arguments for gun control surfaced again after shootings in Oregon, Colorado and Connecticut. We carry more guns in the South, but there is more gun control in the North. I find it interesting that all the mass shootings are up there. Hmmm.

Chicago is our country's murder capital, and it has strong “gun control laws.” Gangs kill so many Chicagoans that Mayor Rahm Emanuel runs the only city with a Social Security surplus. Chicago's ban on guns helped it to a 19.4 per 100,000 persons murder rate; the percentage in gun-friendly San Antonio, Texas, is 8.6. If you want to see where things are heading here, Hugo Chavez’s Caracas, Venezuela, (which was praised by the U.N. for its gun control laws) had 130 murders per 100,000 people.

Facebook struggled in 2012 and began to develop its own "Farmville"-type games. Its most successful game to date is “Let’s see who has gotten fat since high school.”

Kim Jung Un burnished his evil dictator credentials by pretending to launch a fake intercontinental ballistic missile on the one-year anniversary of his father's death. If bumbling North Korea does decide to develop a nuke or ICBM, just give it time and the problem will resolve itself Road Runner style.

We hear that government sources do not consider "Glorious Leader" Kim Jong Il dead. The official North Korean press says the elder Kim entered a sleeping contest and is clearly still winning. His son was catapulted to officer status this year and attained the North Korean Army's highest rank: five feet and two inches tall.

The Supreme Court surprised most by ruling in favor of ObamaCare. And Usher won the judge’s seat on "The Voice." Chief Justice John Roberts was considered, but the show's producers felt he was too unreliable.

Romney was crushed by the women's vote. He proudly admitted in a debate that he kept a binder of women for job on his staff. Women like nothing better than to be alphabetized.

General David Petraeus invited all his generals to a farewell barbecue dinner at his house. He asked them to bring their favorite side dish, and they all brought their biographers.

Joe Paterno’s statue at Penn State was taken down. Perhaps a more fitting tribute would be to turn the statue and just make it look in the other way.

Slow-motion train wreck Charlie Sheen returned to TV with "Anger Management," wherein he only talks about his anger issues and presumes he has no issues with drinking or prescription drugs (primarily because anger does not buy commercial time on the show).

Secret Service agents agreed to overpay an “escort” $800 in Colombia, which would buy you a Ford Escort there. However, when using their own money instead of the taxpayers', they negotiated down to $80. Score another win for free market principles.

Democrats want to do something about global warming, the Republicans, and the debt. Perhaps they can compromise and have fans installed on the debt ceiling.

Washington battled for a debt ceiling agreement all year. Without borrowing massive amounts of money, they tell us that the federal government would “cease to function.” This raises the question: how could we tell?

Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author who can be reached at www.RonaldHart.com.