Researchers measured Donald Trump Jr’s brain activity in response to images of human suffering and found it to be consistently equal to or less than that of a Skittle.

Lead researcher Professor George Cowley said: “Obviously, the question we had to ask ourselves was ‘Where do we put the electrodes? Where do we decide the brain is?’ We had the same problem when it came to the Skittle.

“At one point the electrodes from the two subjects crossed and moral fibre was sucked from the Skittle into Mr Trump’s brain, which is a vacuum of character, as well as just a vacuum.

“As a result the Skittle became malevolent, and then we dropped it into a bowl of other Skittles which through error was offered to Mr Trump.

“He said ‘But isn’t there one in there that wants to kill me?’ and we said ‘No, you fucking idiot. They’re sweets. They have no human attributes whatsoever.’”