I Wish I Could Go Too

I went to Cal Poly yesterday and saw Peter Pan with my daughter. It was the same show she’d played the “grown up” Wendy in almost a decade earlier. It was the last show she was in here at home, before she left for school to attend AADA, The American Acadermy of Dramatic Arts, a drama school that has been around for over a century. Ahhh how I remember those last days. They were so fragile and they’d hit me like a Mack Truck.

I wasn’t prepared for the whole “Empty Nest” thing. In fact, it really kind of creeped up on me. It all started with her driving, and then curfews changing and slowly, me figuring out how to let go. I’d done it almost a decade earlier with her brother and that was hard enough, but there is something about the last one. Anyway, I’d remembered this line in the play at the end and searched all over to try to find it again and couldn’t. I kept wondering… What was that line that had me sobbing in my seat all of those years ago?! So silly.

NOW I KNOW, it was a combination of things that caused it to have had such a strong impact on me, but I was sure that line was so much more than what it was. Maybe it was because my baby was playing the older Wendy and I related to that character so much right then, but it was the scene when Peter came back to find Wendy and was mad at her for growing up. She’d told Jane, her own little girl, all her stories about Peter Pan and was letting her go with him. The line was simply: “I wish I could go too.” At the moment I heard the line back then all those years ago, I guess I felt that I was saying goodbye to my youth as well. NOW, I realize that it hadn’t been the words, but the time in my life.that made everything more meaningful. Not only was I letting my daughter go, but I was giving her wings, letting her fly, to go find her way, to go realize her dreams, to embrace her youth and find her way. It was time for me to stay home. I’d had my chance. It was her turn. Today I’ve realized how stuck I’ve been. But it has been my fault. I am in this time of my life where I am in deep reflection. My parents are getting older. I am having to face realities that I haven’t had to until now. Even my friends are dying, two in two weeks. But I have to realize that, THAT is not the norm. They died too early! “All” my friends are NOT just dying. Sadly, two of our closest friends who’d both fought different illnesses for around twenty years went home to be with the Lord. I knew it was happening, I expected it. But when it did, my world kind of crashed for a minute or two or… well, I’ve been kind of stuck since, in a depression. Focusing on everything negative. This also happened when I turned forty. I wasted my whole 39th year focusing on the next. Funny, but it took the very same play to kind of make me think about it. Lately, I’ve realized that the weeks seem to whip by, as if my life is going in fast motion. I think I got lost for a while. I think that I felt as if I’d missed my chance. My art room is packed away in tubs in the garage, my book is in the archives of my “saved documents” and I’ve kind of felt like Wendy when she knows she has to let her daughter go and live her life saying “I wish I could go too.” But yesterday I realized that it probably wasn’t that line that bothered me… it was the line after Wendy’s wish to go too when Peter said… “Well, you can’t.” “You wanna bet Peter?” Watch me!”

With age comes reflection, but also the realization that letting go, doesn’t mean ‘letting go’. It doesn’t mean giving up, just watching from a distance. You give your children wings, then you dust yours off. You teach your children to fly, and just remember, you flew first. Like the Kinks said, Don’t Forget to Dance, and I’ll add, don’t forget to fly.

I can identity with the writers block and the time of personal reflection. I haven’ t put up a post in a while and I seem to continue to find myself looking back and wondering: “what if” . Sooo I’m going to dust off all the old dead electrons in my old, steam driven PC and see what I can crank out. So good to read you again. Did you ever write about your glider solo?
Bob Cloud signpilot@sbcglobal.net

This post really rugged at my heart Diane. Loss is never easy and I can’t imagine the pain and confusion of losing friends the same age to illness. I can understand why you felt so melancholy. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing though- sometimes you have to sit in your grief and feel everything that goes along with it, taking however long it takes. I have found symbolic acts to be of benefit, as time went on and when I was ready. After my cousin Lachlan died, I planted a tree, placing beneath it the ashes from the memorial service booklet. A year later, I wrote a poem, read it out at his graveside then left it there in an envelope. Almost 4 years after his passing, I met his half sister’s children at Lachlan’s brother’s wedding and one of them was instrumental to my healing. Baring somewhat of a resemblance to Lachlan and possessing similar giftedness it seemed, I found great solace in chatting to him about his memories and trying to work through what could have been his reasons for taking his life. I stayed up till almost 3am that night when back at the cottage we were staying at. For over two hours I cried until not one tear remained. I wrote a letter to Lachlan about his half-nephew and so much of the pain was released. I still ache for him, as I am sure you will ache for your friends and for the times when your daughter was younger, but there are still more chapters of your life to be written. You don’t need to leave the beautiful memories behind; you can take them with you. Just don’t let them stifle the potential that you find in today. Sending you big hugs xoxo

Merryn,
You will never know what perfect timing your message was! I’d just got back from my friend’s memorial (it was so stretched out, it was hard to stop grieving) my daughter and I went and it was so perfect. We stayed as long as we wanted and felt so satisfied. There were so many things that kind of felt finished there. Friendships of hers that I was able to really embrace and feel as if we all appreciated each other. I was so far away and her local friends were closer and I’d wished I could have been there for her like they’d been. But it was so neat to all come together and be included in the family table. And connect in her name.
Thank you Merryn.
xoxo

It’s beautiful to think that your friend brought so many people together and that the various seasons of her life were represented in the one room. Glad the memorial helped you say a proper goodbye and I pray you will be cocooned in God’s gentle arms as you grieve. I’m glad He prompted me to check in and see how you were doing xoxo

Poor you , to loose two friends at the same time is soul destroying , children leaving , parents ageing …it seems like you are overwhelmed at the moment . You need to take time out for yourself . Have you tried mindfulness meditation ? Or just time out walking in nature …they both really help.
There is a great blog that I read ‘Cauldrons and Cupcakes ‘ try it if you haven’t already . Nicole is great for advice on self presivation . Believe me to care for oneself is not selfish it’s sensible .
Cherryx

Cherry,
Thank you! I love the way you put it… Soul Destroying! That is how it feels! My friend’s memorial isn’t until the 25th. That just prolongs the technical part of it… the gaping hole that she left in my life will never be filled… But there is something to be said for illness… We somehow are weaned slowly away from the daily things that made these loved ones a part of our lives… the constant and daily emails slowly stopped and texting started when navigating the computer became too difficult as the stupid cancer in her brain began to destroy the parts of her thought pattern that made her function. When we visited her, each time, she was drifting father and farther away. I knew it was a matter of time. I guess illness helps us let go in a way so by the time they let go we want anything better for them, even losing them.
Funny that you mention meditation… she would always talk to me about it. She would tell me to imagine a big rose filled with everything that was bothering me that day and then to just blow it up! Smile… NOW she can walk through the roses with our friend and no more blowing up anything!
Thank you Cherry!
xoxo

So interesting to find pertinent things that relate to our lives when we go back Di. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friends. And I do know first-hand how affecting it can be on us when we bury a friend. The reality of our mortality really kicks in to gear when we lose a friend, our age group. Good reminders to live our lives to the fullest. xo

Ah (((((((Deb))))))))) I know you know! You have had your losses too, recently!
The reality of our morality kicks in big time. Exactly! That is it in a nutshell. And on top of it… all that we haven’t accomplished yet is glaring back! I will just tag on to your skirt tails for a while and take your lead! You seem to have come through very eloquently!
xoxo
(love you)

My friend! Please take heart and fly! Sprout your wings of hope, joy and love and fly! Because we are older, our wings may have atrophied a bit, but they, like muscles can regain what was lost. You have so much to offer the rest of us and the world. Peter was a forever boy, we are adults. Build you a rocket if you must but fly!!
I have been experiencing similar feelings now that my last son is engaged and wrapped up in work and his wonderful fiancee. My husband died 6 years ago. I want to believe that no one needs me. What is my purpose for life now? I can’t be a nurse any more, my photography is more of a hobby, my best friends work or are about to move away. I can write! I can make a difference where I am planted. But being careful not to be a Rescuer out of habit but rather out of sense of calling, when called to do so. (See: https://joyful2bee.wordpress.com/2015/06/30/rescue-the-rescuer/ ) Enjoy the things you never had time to enjoy before. Hugs!!

Joy…. I call you that because your recent comments has brought so much to me! Thank you. So sorry about your husband. My first husband (the father of my children) died eight years ago and even though we weren’t married, I had emotions that I still have not dealt with. But I can’t begin to even pretend that I know what you are going through. You say some pretty great things in your comments to me and you are a wonderful encourager. I tried to go and pull up your link and I just see a black screen. Not sure what is up? It didn’t do that before when I’d go click on your name and read other things there. So weird?? Not sure it it is something up with your link or my blog??
Thank you for your constant kindness!
xoxo

Thank you!! You just made my day with your kind words.
Thanks for the heads up on the black page!! I will work on that now!!
I love writing but one main reason I like it is because I can make friends, share and enjoy other’s wisdom and humor. Keep up the good work and fly!!

I totally get it. I never had children, I was never given the encouragement, the blessing from family to fly, to find my dream and live it. In my 40s I found a dream for myself, that I had a gift within that I never knew I had. I flew for a short while. But life happened, or didn’t happen in some ways for me. Now as my age says I am a senior citizen, even though I don’t think of myself anywhere near it I often wonder….! Do I have what it takes to dig in and do what I should do so I will open wings and fly into that life I dream of? So many questions.

Diane, I encourage you to fly into your dream, the beautify that is your spirit. Doing so will encourage others to do the same.

RIGHT back at ya my friend! You have a talent! I am going to be your voice now… to also tell >>you<< to fly! To encourage you!
You are a special person! Always reading and commenting and lifting me up!
Thank you my friend.
xoxo

Yes life seems to fly by all of us, one min. we are young children and the next min. we are all grown up wondering what if I tried a different path in life? Especially in today’s world where fast pace is a normal thing for all of us, the problem lies in the fact, we don’t take the time to enjoy all the true beauty around us anymore. We don’t stop and smell the roses anymore and now that life is speeding past us, we simply forget about ourselves, cause we are too busy trying to keep up.

” slow and steady wins the race, when all else speeds past us, let them go, stop smell the flowers of life and enjoy everything around you, before it becomes too late”.

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