Preventing Child Molestation

A guide for the concerned parent.

Child molestation is a disease. The child molester is a sick person with an illness that he is unable to control or stop on his own. He has a preoccupation and a sexual desire for young children. In order to stop, he needs help through treatment, supervision or incarceration.

In our collective experience working with this population in the Jewish community, approximately one-third of pedophiles have a preference for boys, one-third prefer girls, and one-third have no preference. Some pedophiles also have distinct preferences within select age groups. And one predator may abuse dozens or hundreds of children.

What can we -- as parents, educators and a community -- do to protect and respond to sexual abuse?

Children are sexually victimized because they can be

Children are sexually victimized because they can be. They are trusting, vulnerable, curious by nature, and usually not suspicious of adults -- certainly not of a parent, teacher, counselor or other role model. This can be true of adolescents as well, who can fall prey to sexual abuse even into their mid teens.

Children can be victimized repeatedly because they are often too ashamed or frightened to divulge information to others. They are frightened because the molester has threatened to hurt them or their family members, or frightened that their parents will not believe them or will blame them.

While reliable statistics regarding the prevalence of this problem in the Jewish community are not available, there are a number of protective factors that should lead to a lower incidence. These include our community's strong emphasis on family closeness, and community support programs that provide assistance for stressed-out parents.

Unfortunately, however, there are powerful risk factors as well. Research studies have found that those most likely to recognize and report abuse are policemen or emergency room doctors, while those least likely to recognize and report abuse are people who come from the same community or religious background as the abused child. It is therefore not surprising that when abuse is suspected among our own, the first response might be denial or a tendency to ignore a reality that is so antithetical to our standards and way of life.

In the last decade, a number of adolescents and young married people have self-identified and sought treatment for their serious problems with gambling, drugs and alcohol. It is fair to say that as serious as these problems are, they no longer carry the social stigma and social isolation they did just a short few years ago.

Not so with sexual abuse -- not to the victim or to the perpetrator.

He (95 percent are male) will almost never voluntarily seek treatment. The fears of retribution, social isolation, physical harm, loss of family, loss of work, along with his sexual proclivities, prevent him from disclosing.

Similarly, victims of sexual abuse, unlike other victims, almost never self-disclose. Abusers gain the child's loyalty and confidence, and then convince the child that any "bad feelings" are "all your fault."

A crime victim may report to the police. A victim of domestic violence may seek out a relative, a rabbi, or a mental health professional. A drug user or alcohol binger can often be recognized by a spouse or employer. Not so with a victim of sexual abuse who is embarrassed, who represses, and who, years later, continues to carry the scars of the unresolved trauma of the abuse.

Child molestation is an invasion of the body and brain. The harm is staggering, reaching into nearly all areas of the child's life:

• Ability to trust others: Children abused by a trusted adult may have difficulty allowing themselves to get close to members of the extended family or adults they come in contact with. Young children may become more clingy and older children may develop a hostile or mistrustful attitude in relating to others.

• Impaired self-concept: Abused children may develop a sense of permanent damage, which may include feelings of shame, self-blame, and a general sense that they are unworthy of love. Some react by gravitating to peer groups dominated by rejected or rebellious children, since they view themselves as not deserving to be in the mainstream.

• Difficulty controlling emotions: Increased irritability or difficulty calming down after becoming upset is frequently seen in these children. Younger children may manifest regressed behaviors such as an increase in whining, tantrums or bed-wetting. Older children may become less compliant or more withdrawn. Feelings of sadness, emptiness and hopelessness may be accompanied by physical complaints such as frequent headaches or stomach aches.

• Academic difficulties: A number of studies have documented higher rates of academic difficulties in abused children. Impaired concentration and motivation are among the contributors to school difficulties.

• Religious crisis: We have found that some children may experience a crisis in faith after their victimization. For adolescents, in particular, it may be very difficult to reconcile religious beliefs with actions by supposedly "religious" adults who act in a hypocritical manner.

Oftentimes a child will keep the abuse a secret for 10 or 20 years. Only when the child becomes an adult does he have the confidence to share his story. In the meantime, he bears a heavy burden.

Beyond all this, many abused children grow up to become abusers themselves.

Prevention

What can be done?

Children must be taught about it honestly.

Children must be taught about it honestly. They must be prepared to fend off and respond to sexual advances, nuanced and overt, from persons they know and often trust. Parents need to know that it is not enough to teach children only about being wary of strangers. Sex-abuse prevention techniques have been developed that frame the issue in the context of overall safety, no different than fire safety or water safety, helping children to develop wariness without fear.

The most important thing to do to protect your child is to make sure that he or she will always come to tell the parent immediately if something unusual happens. Every child must know that his parents want him to talk to them. Opening the lines of communication must start very early.

Dr. Susan Schulman, a Jewish pediatrician in Brooklyn, recommends that parents discuss with their children in an age-appropriate fashion:

The area that is covered by your bathing suit is your private area. Sometimes when you are little your teacher may help you in the bathroom. That is okay. Other than that, you are not allowed to touch someone else and no one is allowed to touch you in the area covered by your bathing suit. You are not allowed to show anyone and no one is allowed to show you. If anyone does this you can say: "No! My mommy doesn't let me!" Go away from that person and tell your mommy what happened.

If someone is touching you, hurting you, or making you feel bad, tell me about and I will stop it.

Your mommy and daddy love you. We will always love you. Nothing you will do will ever take that love away from you. We want to hear about things that happen in school -- all the good things and even the bad things that happen.

If you have done a bad thing, we may not like what you did, but we will always love you.

If anyone hurts or scares you, you should come and tell mommy or daddy. They might tell you that something terrible will happen if you tell your mommy, but you must still tell us. We are grownups and we will protect you. I will give you the biggest hug if you tell me about it.

Older children and teenagers need the same reassurance. Tell the child that you are there for him/her, and that you always want to hear about their experiences – good and bad. Tell your child you will always love him.

The larger the family, the more important it is that you give a few minutes a day of eye contact and keep the channel of communication open. Ask, "How was your day?" Even if he doesn't say much, this communicates that you are interested and available when the need arises.

This line of talk should be gently reinforced periodically with the child. There are many milestones where these conversations can occur naturally, e.g. entering preschool, a new school, send off every year to camp, a weekend getaway.

Since the majority of children are molested by people they know – relative, neighbor, sports coach, teacher, bus driver -- you need to discuss trust in older people and role models. This one person did something bad. Place an emphasis on all the other people who are good, loving and kind.

Speak to your children about exercising care not to be caught in a situation alone. Young people should walk in groups, particularly at night.

It is human nature to shy away from discussing sexual issues with our children when they're young adults, let alone when they may be 10 or 15 years old. Yet this is what we need to discuss.

Detection

There are various warning signs and red flags to look for in your child who may have been victimized.

Dr. Schulman lists five behavior changes that may indicate the child is being subjected to abuse:

The child may seem unusually interested in the private areas of the other people's bodies.

The child may draw pictures of hidden body parts.

The child may show signs of stress such as sleep problems, appetite changes, behavior changes, tantrums, restart bed-wetting, fears and irritability.

The child may become unusually afraid or unusually attached to an adult in his life.

The child might give verbal hints or even describe the abuse to the parent.

If your child exhibits a serious problem that appears to be new, you can consider sexual abuse a possible factor without getting alarmed or overreacting. In seeking out professional help for treatment, go to a mental health professional and ask about his or her specialized training in this area.

Recovery

Research regarding the role of religious beliefs in helping victims deal with the impact of abuse repeatedly finds that religion can play a crucial protective role in helping victims find meaning and support, even in the face of cynicism and betrayal. On the other hand, many religious individuals who are victimized by a member of their community experience the additional trauma of feeling abandoned by a religion that they were taught stands against abuse. It is therefore not surprising that a percentage of alienated and rebellious adolescents who "drop out" of active religious observance have a history of being molested.

Identification and treatment can be highly successful as children and adolescents have remarkable resilience. The majority of victims, with proper support, can emerge from the experience strong and healthy.

If we believe that our child is a victim of, molestation and talking is the very first step, what should you talk about? You should emphasize the following to your son or daughter:

We, your mother and father, love you.

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Your body is yours, let's discuss how to protect it in the future, no one can touch your body in any way without your permission.

Your body is good, it's not dirty. Someone else who is not good did something that he wasn't supposed to.

He was wrong for doing this.

You were not in the wrong because this happened.

And what about the perpetrator? Pedophiles need to be pushed to seek professional treatment, pushed out of circumstances where they can be in regular contact with children, pushed into supervised and controlled environments, or pushed into the criminal justice system.

Pedophilia is a treatable disease. While it is not curable, long-term treatment can be administered over several years, and if the perpetrator is compliant, this can allow him to return to a relatively normal life. Certainly his family should not be punished, as unfortunately often happens.

In Conclusion

A communal resolve by parents to prepare,
By educators to teach,
By school administrators not to tolerate,
By informing law enforcement and child protective authorities as required,
By each group in our community doing their share,
Can lead to a reduction in the number of children who will be hurt,
An increased vigilance against offenders, and
A supportive environment for victims to disclose and be supported.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

David Mandel is CEO of OHEL Children''s Home and Family Services in New York. Dr. David Pelcovitz is Strauss Professor of Psychology and Education at Azrieli Graduate School, Yeshiva University. They have met with, counseled and treated many hundreds of victims of sexual abuse and trauma. Dr. Susan Schulman is a pediatrician practicing in Brooklyn, New York.

Visitor Comments: 73

Cameras everywhere ! People will think twice, if they might think they are being filmed.Make sure your kids feel like they can tell you anything!

(63)
Anonymous,
April 9, 2014 12:21 AM

most abuse is by people who you know

As someone who was sexually abused by both parents as a child, I would like to say that in this article you have unfortunately made it sound like only strangers or non-family engage in this kind of abuse. Most crimes are committed by people who know the victim and child abuse is no different, in this respect. This is otherwise a good article and very glad to see Aish publishing something on this grave problem. On a side note about addressing evil and bringing evildoers to justice, as well as making the world a better place - when will we see an article about Hashem's confusing creation of psychopaths. :( Psychopaths are responsible for so much evil too just like abusers and abusive relatives. Maybe the damaged brains fo psychopaths can be given a conscience - if that were to happen the world would be a much better place. i pray to Hashem about this all the time - to being an end to abusive relatives and to cure psychopathy. So no one else has to live with the terrible aftereffects of dealing with these broken souls.

(62)
Anonymous,
December 10, 2013 8:50 PM

is it their fault?

the first line of this article makes it seem like its not the molesters fault, like he/she cant control it because its a disease.I dont know if that is legitimate. Anyone care to clarify?

Deborah Bach,
December 15, 2013 3:23 PM

Don't get stuck on one word

Perhaps it depends on exactly how "disease" is defined. In my view it is a disease, it is catching (goes from perpetrator to victim who sometimes becomes a perpetrator without proper treatment). What is relevent is that people over a certain age are responsible for their actions regardless of the "disease." word and most importantly: adults who think that someone they know may be a perpetrator should report their suspicions accurately to authorities so that innocent children will be protected.

(61)
Anonymous,
December 9, 2013 12:30 PM

BIG PROBLEM

There is one point, though, which has only been mentioned in passing and it's a real problem that's becoming more prevelant as time goes on.

There are a lot of cases that I know where people who've been fighting with each other, or had serious disagreements and one of them is trying to really 'get back' at the other, so they go to the police and report them as being sexually abusive. The police then interrogates the individual whose being accused and he has to prove his innocence, This very often results in the person being banished from his job, or worse. which is what his accuser wanted in the first place.

We live in a crazy world where people do such ugly thing like accusing the innocent and at the end of the day, the really abused will suffer because cases don't get taken as seriously anymore.

I know of a couple who got divorced and the wife accused her ex-husband of abusing their son (many years after the divorce). They didn't imprison him because nothing could be proved, but he's only allowed to meet his son under strict supervision and worse he's being ostracized by some people in the community, but nobody knows if what he's being accused of is true. It could be it is, but on the other hand, it could very well be that his ex-wife wants to stop him from seeing their son, out of hatred towards him.

In another case a teacher had to move to another country because a father who had a dispute with him accused him of abusing his son. Nothing could be proved, but that teacher didn't want to take chances, he lost his job and might not get a chance in his new place either.

What are we to do in such situations? On the one hand we want to protect our children and community more than anything else, but on the other hand, we don't want innocent people to suffer either.

COULDN'T AGREE MORE,
December 10, 2013 9:43 AM

Likewise being suspicious out of being so thinking about these matters

And hardly knowing anything about being happy in life and certainly not about chesed; that a lot of people do good for others. Not everything must be suspected and certainly accusations do not necessarily reflect reality

(60)
Rochel,
December 9, 2013 12:08 AM

How do I find list of offenders in my area?

I came across a site that wanted a cc # to send me info about offenders in my area. Didn't think it should cost money. Anyone know where to get info???

Anonymous,
December 10, 2013 10:16 PM

There is a sex offender app that is free, it has sex offenders in the US.

(59)
Andy,
December 8, 2013 10:10 PM

to # 38 and likeminded others one can be sick and still guilty

You miss the point.Normal people do not have to fight their yaitzer hara over this issue .Only a sick person sees young children as sexually provocative. The fact that one is sick does not excuse his behavior anymore than one who feels compelled to steal, kill etc. What we all should do is thank G-d we are not being tested in this way.King Menashe stated if you lived when I did you'd be worshipping idols quicker than me. I suspect most people who hold these people to be weak, would react similarly if G-d forbid given the same inclination.I'm all for locking them away forever unless proven cured but lets not pretend these people are not sick.

(58)
Wendy Chinery,
December 8, 2013 8:27 PM

As a former victim of molestation I plead with parents to keep the communication channels open and make sure that you have a safe environment to talk. I am now in my 70's and was unable to talk to my parents about what was happening for 5 years because I was made to feel that they wouldn't believe me. That long term effect has lasted all these years. I didn't have an organisation like the U.K. Child Line to turn to. Counselling and forgiveness has greatly helped, and an understanding husband. Firstly, keep your children safe and be alert. Secondly, make sure they can talk to you.

(57)
Ariella,
December 8, 2013 4:46 PM

Child molestation is NOT A DISEASE!!

While I agree in the preventive measures I totally desagree with the statement that child molestation is an illness. You're not a child molester because you got or catch a virus or a bacteria!!!! Child molestation is a PERVERSION and should be defined, and treated as such!!!!

(56)
Anonymous,
December 8, 2013 4:43 PM

CALL THE POLICE

your child MUST see that you will protect him/her and keep them safe always- by putting the abuser behind bars. it's unfortunate to do it to someone who is part of your community... but your child comes first.

(55)
Concerned Citizen,
March 14, 2012 7:26 PM

This article was written ages ago but still comes first on google search

I was trying to find information on the internet in reporting my neighbor who is online registered sex offender with having kidnapped a 13 year old girl for a week and molesting her .....he got punished but is now out of prison living with a woman who is away at work all the time and leaving her very young child with this registered sex offender. The man who i'm concerned about is a martial artist and has a black belt and has students. Neighbors are intimidated and actually afraid to report him for breaking the law.
My question is, who could I anonymously report this issue to because this situation has been going on for months with no resolve.
Thank you for your time

(54)
leah amdur,
December 5, 2011 11:10 AM

This is good information as far as the child is concerne
In Israel we need to actively fight the pedophile. Parents have to do their part by targeting him. We have to make it impossible for him to operate in our neighborhoods. There is no cure. They have to be guarde 24/7 jail for life is the only option.Publish their names and don't keep quite when you know a pedophile tell everyone. Always when a pedophile is caught many people say we have known about it for years. They kept quiet and many children have been abused. This is wrong. The children come first not the pedophile

Cedric,
May 2, 2013 4:12 PM

I agree with you. the humans who rape children are not "sick". Sickness happens, but child molesters make a decision, they plan, and they CHOOSE. The Children MUST come first. So many people talk about second chances for baby-rapers, but what about FIRST chances for these Children? We have to speak out, and be the Voices for Children, and we need to spread the word.

(53)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2009 10:28 AM

i'm still alive

now that I'm an adult I realized that everything that happened to me was to make me abetter person. I have a beautifull family and my relationship with my family is very opened. Mimi(48)if you feel you have fallen thru the cracks, that because you don't have a will power. only you could change that. let go of it and start thinking about the future. i didn't get help when i was a little girl, and i made it my goal not to be a victim no more. stop beeing so negative and start caring about you self a little more, and don't come to me like if i don't know, i do know, i lived thru it for 10 years. and still i live!!!

Anonymous,
November 28, 2011 8:36 AM

No willpower?

That was just about the most insensitive comment ever. Someone who can live through something like that and be so harsh to others who have, is missing something. That is not called living.

Anonymous,
December 9, 2013 10:12 PM

Don't agree

I was abused by two relatives, and as much as you are telling me that YOU seem to have been better from it, it is no comfort to someone who is struggling thru therapy at the age of 20 and knowing that she can't get married in the near future because of her abuse.Yes, once you are married and can get past the pain and hurt, you can see how it was better... It has nothing to do with will power, it has to do with time and the courage to heal - which takes time too.Please.. don't say things like this when there are people reading this that are still hurting. It's not a comfort.

(52)
Cindy,
February 1, 2009 3:55 PM

This guide needs to be shown to parents

This article sums up every feeling that I have. I've been sexually molested by my brother since I was very young. My mom always encouraged it. I told my sister about it a year ago and she told my mom but she laughed it off and said I was making it up. I gave up on religion years ago. All my life they try to be "oh-so-religious" and yet they did these things to me. I'm 19 now and I dropped out of college. I always feel like running away, but I'm too scared. I'm sure that there are more kids who are in a similar situation out there, kids whose parents just laugh it all off. I wish that more parents would just admit that these things do happen.

Denise,
September 12, 2012 6:02 PM

To Cindy

Cindy, pic know it's been a while since you made comments here. If you do still read these, please don't feel alone or give up on a normal life. I've been where you are and I know the pain, isolation, and depression that goes with it. I'd love to talk with you some time, if you're interested. It started to me when I was 3 yrs old and continued until I was removed from my parents at the age of 7 yrs old, and I'm now 39 yrs old. So, feel free to reach out to me and I'll do what I can to help.

(51)
Pleasant,
December 23, 2008 5:37 PM

Thank you for publishing this article.

The other difficulty comes from teens who do try to disclose and authority figures brushing it aside or pooh-poohing it. or from a small child mentioning something in passing and the parent or caregiver assuming they didn't hear it right because it's an ugly topic. Both have happened in my life.
Because I chose to get a divorce, I have been heavily criticized for protecting my children and removing the perpetrator from access. Thanks.

(50)
Anonymous,
November 29, 2008 7:39 PM

defenseless

A child is defenseless before an abuser. Especially if the abuser is a powerful figure, a father, grandfather,stepfather. But mothers are very much to blame for what goes on often looking the other way. The questio #47 asked is about forgiveness. One cannot forgive a father who does that to a child. Nor can one have a relationship with such a person. Would you forgive hitler and excuse him and then sit and have tea w him? same is for a relative who murders you even when you continue to breath. WRONG IS WRONG and often what works to keep you sane is to hate that person and the wrong that they did you and the person who looked the other way. It all spells out how they viewed you as spendable and how they didn't love you. Those people don't deserve forgiveness no more than the criminals in the BIBLE WERE NOT FORGIVEN. THEY WERE DISTROYED. WE NEED BIBLICAL JUSTICE NOT CORRUPT JURY SISTEMS.

(49)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2008 6:37 AM

A barometer for pain

Thank you so much for printing this most valuable information. The problem is rampant. Parents if your child''s behavior changes, if the child uses Chutzpah *or* breaks rules and regulations, it could be somthing happened and the "acting out" is a cry for help. My heart goes out to the child, and his parents!

(48)
mimi,
November 27, 2008 12:57 AM

All this big talk

All this big talk about it, yet us what were victims disappear and fall thru the cracks and nobody helps us or knows we're alive. Help the kids now, but the ones what were victims as kids, forget us. There is no talk that says like it really is, and no shrink that knows about it really.

Anonymous,
November 28, 2011 8:30 AM

not forgotten

Mimi, I feel your pain. I am a kid that "fell through the cracks". But you are wrong. there are alot of us out there that have gotten helped by caring people who do know alot about it. there are tons of books to read and plenty of groups to join. You just have to find the right people. We're out there Mimi, thousands of survivors who understand what you've been through. We're just waiting for you to find us....and start healing the damage and pain. Don't give up.

(47)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2008 12:40 PM

very interesting to see this

i was really surprised to see this on an orthodox website . i have never seen anything addressing this issue before and even though i dont agree at all with the characterisation of abusers or of victims in this article as it is a SWEEPING generalisation. it was nice to see something like this finally was spoken about in some forum.
I had a question regarding abuse and if anyone could help me id much appreciate it. From an orthodox standpoint, to what extent would one have to forgive or pay respect to a parent for sexual abuse? i have asked this question several times and have never received a straight answer on it.

(46)
Avi,
November 13, 2008 6:40 PM

one thing missing from article

An informative and helpful guide for parents. I want to add one the thing the authors missed: Prayer.

The prevalent problem makes it challanging enough that the best prevention methods still fall short off assuring a child might not be molested. Please pray repeadedly that your children should be protected, "You, G-d Watch over them" as it says in Psalms. The medrash states a story of a father that prostrated himself every day in prayer to Hashem begging that his children should G-d forbid never encounter acts of such nature.

(45)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2008 11:17 AM

Keep it in the family

The outpouring of comments to this article is in itself an indication of the extent of the problem.
A very important point that this article did not make at all is that a child is most likely to be abused by a male family member, including a grandfather, thus it is especially important for the mother to be vigilant to possible signs of abuse. It is not realistic to expect a child of any age who has been abused, shamed and scared into reporting the abuse on her own accord. Also the abuser is often very charming and charismatic and doesn't "look like an abuser".
Child sex abuse is so incredibly widespread. Personally I have met many, many people who were abused as children (of all religions nationalities ...etc)still trying to recover from it as adults.

(44)
Bas Yisroel,
November 13, 2008 5:50 AM

I know from experience

Been there! I was abused as a kid for more than 2 years. Thank God I have come a long way since then, had therapy and now I have been able to help others who are going through it.

(43)
RAchel,
November 13, 2008 4:12 AM

Thank YOu

I am so happy that this issue was addressed. Hopefully it will end the horrible, tragic child abuse in our community and in the world at large. Thank you to the authors for writing it and to Aish.com for publishing it.

(42)
anonymous,
November 12, 2008 8:44 PM

its about time this has been brought up.

(41)
Anonymous,
November 12, 2008 4:20 PM

Of course a person is responsible for his own actions this is not trying to absolve the molester. Rav Moshe poskined that homosexuality is a disease as well following the wisdom of the Psychological community at the time. It is simply a function how we deal with it. We know that when adultery increased the sotah ritual stopped. The main idea is to prevent the negative behavior from occurring. Back in the day punishment and fire and brimstone worked. Now we must approach problems differently, though punishment should not be removed from the equation since it is a Biblical mandate for these sick behaviors.

(40)
Elisha,
November 12, 2008 11:26 AM

Schools responsibility

There is no room for anyone to believe they are safe from being a victim regardless of their community, family, school, friends, etc...It can and has happened to all sorts of people. I personally know quite a few girls who were sexually abused. The School as well as the family has an obligation to be aware and available if a child is suffering. Every School should have a qualified Therapist who is available to the students in need of help and who is looking out for signs of abuse in those suffering in silence.

(39)
Anonymous,
November 12, 2008 9:35 AM

great job!

I commend everyone who contributed to this article. It is an important subject that all parents should be made aware of. We have to protect our children at all costs no matter what.

(38)
Anonymous,
November 11, 2008 9:54 PM

The child molester is a sick person with an illness that he is unable to control or stop on his own

"The child molester is a sick person with an illness that he is unable to control or stop on his own."
Excuse me?!
G-d would not give commandments in the Torah that we cannot fulfill. It is not that they "cannot" control themselves, they "do not" control themselves. They follow after their desires and give in to their yetzer horah.
A disease or illness is something in our body that we cannot control. We cannot wake up one morning and decide to cure ourselves of heart disease, cancer or even the common cold. However a pedophile, alcoholic, kleptomaniac...can decide to cure themselves when they are ready to do battle with their evil inclination and to seek help with this great battle.
It is an insult to all decent people who spend their lives working to serve G-d properly, to wash away these evil people by saying "Nebach, he is a sick man."
NO! He made choices. And that's what life is all about.

(37)
Anonymous,
November 11, 2008 9:20 PM

Great job!!

I am glad that this is finally being addressed in a way that reaches out to many religious Jews rather than continuously denying that it doesn't happen in the religious world. I personally know 3 people, 1 man and 2 women, that were continuously molested as children in the religious community. I also have seen people deny it when I have mentioned the possibility of abuse after hearing about a particular situation. People need to be more aware that it happens much more often than we think, and to be on the look out. Thank you for starting this on Aish, and I hope that I will hear about such education in other places in the religious community.

(36)
Miri,
November 11, 2008 8:07 PM

Step-families

Re-married mothers should be especially careful not to leave their daughters alone with their stepfather, EVER. No matter how normal he is, how respectable, how kind, or how caring he is, a step-father should NEVER be left alone with his step-daughter. It isn't in his best interests, either- if he is never allowed to be alone with her, he can never be accused of abuse.

(35)
Anonymous,
November 11, 2008 3:24 PM

All the comments and the article itself are very important. But it's important, also, to keep in mind that sometimes people lie. or sometimes circumstances are not like cited in the article and comments. An example of each ---
I personally know a Jewish educator who is no longer allowed to teach because he was accused of sexually abusing some high school boys. I have no way of knowing the truth in the situation, but I am aware that the school involved had a split in ideology which then involved a lot of political backstabbing and arguing. It seemed strange that the only boys who were allegedly abused by this teacher were all sons of people on one side of the arguments. The teacher apparently showed no interest in the sons of people of the other side, the side with which he was identified. Interesting, no? Kind of makes a person wonder.
The second thing I mentioned --- circumstances. I know of a situation where an eighteen year old boy served a jail term and is on the nationwide sexual predator list after he and his 17 year old girlfriend had a consensual sexual relationship. I'm not condoning the relationship, but I don't think he's a sexual predator or a pedophile, which is the record that will follow him for his entire life. (The girl's father is trying to get his name removed from the list, but, so far, has not succeeded. The father didn't approve of the relationship, but didn't see the young man as a predator and doesn't want to see his life ruined by this.)

(34)
Anonymous,
November 11, 2008 2:17 PM

Fortitude

I cannot stress enough how important it was for me to pay attention to my child's drawings. It alerted me to the abuse she was experiencing. I found that the professionals I approached thought I was being totally neurotic but I persevered and brought to light the abusive situation and the abuser, painfully my ex-husband. He was put under supervised access order finally and, although the order was not strict enough (he found great delight in saying while supervised he and my daughter should play a game which involved hiding from the supervisor.
I send blessings to all parents who have to deal with this unfortunate and disturbing crime. And, I thank HaShem for giving me the strength to fight the court battles and the dismissive nature of some professionals. At times I felt as if I were praying as my namesake, Hannah, from Tanach. I was maddened with grief and worry, not to bear a child, but to save my child from harm.
May we all have the strength to prevent these abomination from happening to the innocents and the power to protect and rebuild their lives.

(33)
Elonna,
November 11, 2008 12:35 PM

Vicious cycle

Not reporting a child molester is a crime in itself! No matter what town a pedophile lives in, children will be in danger. Police should always be notified. The molester deserves to be on a sex offender list. People have a right to know, to prevent further abuse.

(32)
Abramovich,
November 11, 2008 11:54 AM

TALK to your children

It is very important to talk to children and let them know that these kinds of things can happen and that the perpetrator can be anyone - a rebbe, a relative, a neighbor and that if ANYONE touches you or wants you to touch them in a place that is covered by a bathing suit, tell your PARENTS at once! Tell your children that there is nothing that happens in their life that they cannot tell you. And that if ANYONE ever does something to or with them and says "don't tell your mother" that is THE time when they MUST tell their mother despite what the other adult tells them. (You may miss out on a surprise party but it's worth it just in case.)

(31)
Lazar,
November 11, 2008 11:50 AM

Call the Police

When these things happen, do NOT consult the rabbis. Call the POLICE and have the perpetrators of these heinous crimes ARRESTED. The rabbis have, like the Catholic cardinals, for too long been complicit in too many horror stories. It is time for the laity to stand up and do what is right and report these perverts to the authorities who have ways of handling them in such a way that they will certainly never harm a Jewish child again.

g. berry,
December 8, 2013 10:09 PM

Sadly, I agree with this comment 100%.

(30)
gitty,
November 11, 2008 1:12 AM

reporting abuse

I live out-of-town and recently was told that a man in my community was found to be molesting children in his previous in-town community. In return for not reporting him to the police, he was asked to leave and move elsewhere. Elsewhere turned out to be where I live, a community with many young families. The fallacy of such an agreement is pointedly obvious. Is it tolerable to avoid the reporting of a fellow Jew to the police when it puts other children at risk? That risk seems all too real to me now since it is stated in the article that the child molester suffers from a disease which he is "unable to control or stop on his own." Communities and rabbis need to be educated about the proper way to handle these situations.

(29)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2008 8:33 PM

Recovery from child sex abuse is possible

One of the interesting things about recovering from childhood incest is that so-called philosophical questions have immense practical significance. What is the nature of good and evil? Are my parents evil or insane? What is the difference? How do I honor my father and mother when they have not only abused me in the past, but are still messed up today?
Incest recovery actually led me to become Ba'al T'shuvah. There are 12-step programs for incest survivors (we use incest as a generic term for child sexual abuse perpetrated by a trusted adult). As in all 12-step programs, I needed a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity, it made sense to use the religion I was born into.
The website for Incest Anonymous is incestanonymous.org. We have an email meeting and some phone meetings. Anyone who wants to recover from the effects of childhood sexual abuse is welcome.

(28)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2008 7:17 PM

breaking the cycle

The overwhelming majority of pedophiles have been sexually abused themselves, which makes comments like the one posted as "zero tolerance" all the more difficult to understand from a Jewish point of view. No one was there for them when they were a victim and now society says "no mercy" or worse. Trauma (any kind) literally changes the brain. Psychotherpy and in some cases medical therapy can be very effective. But let me point out again that no individual is going to come forward to seek treatment when they know they will be placed on a sex offender list made public on the Internet and face the prospect of vigilante attacks. Interestingly Canada does not publish its sex offender list. What do they know that we don't?
The study I referred to in my previous post was from Johns Hopkins. In the ten years prior to mandatory reporting by a therapist of a patient's disclosure of abuse, the sex clinic at JH had an average of 7 people PER YEAR voluntarily coming forward to admit their abuse of children and seek treatment. (By the way the recividism rate of those in treatment at that clinic was in the low single digits). The TOTAL number of voluntary admissions for the next three years after the mandatory reporting law went into effect was..... ZERO. So someone please tell me how that law, now adopted by all states, has helped PREVENT a single case of abuse? Yes we need more discussion in the Jewish community and society as a whole. Yes, these individuals need to be removed from a situation to prevent others from being harmed--but such facilities must have up to date treatment capabilities. And please, please, please do not forget that physical and emotional abuse/neglect that does go on in the Jewish community can have just as severe consequences as sexual abuse. Thanks AISH for starting the discussion.

(27)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2008 1:41 PM

prevent murder!

The responsibility to protect our children belongs to the adults! I was victimized by my (non-jewish)father as a pre-teen, and barely survived it, because it was indeed attempted murder on my soul and psyche, and I nearly didn''t live thru the aftermath of the trauma - the self-destructive path - street life, serious drug abuse, living amongst the lowest dregs of society, exploiting myself. After an especially traumatic experience of nearly being strangled to death by a crazy drunk, I ran away and jumped straight into an intense self-help program, and afterwards slowly came to recognize G-d as my "King, Helper, Savior, and Shield". I became observant, becoming religious in my early twenties.
You can imagine my devastation when I eventually learned that child molestation exists in the frum community. Imagine my shock when my own son began to "show his private parts" to other little boys. And can you imagine my complete despair when I eventually learned that my dear son was acting out becase he was screaming for help, trying to deal with having been repeatedly victimized by three different molesters in two different communities?!
In discussing prevention, let me just share with you my clarity on this, that molestation happens very fast. It takes a split second for a perp to do his dastardly deed. The molester is usually obsessed with sex and power and he''s always looking for an opportunity. Like the murderer that he is, he dehumanizes his fictims, they aren''t people, with feelings, they are chances to fulfill his obsessive impulsive desires...like a snake who''s always hungry, always ready to strike. He often wear a smile on his face. And thus, the children don''t understand what''s happening (so they don''t stop it), nor do they know afterward, what just happened. Was it bad, good, fun, *or* funny? Was it ok, not ok? Did I just do something bad? All these thoughts are possible, which is why molested children get abused more than once (they become passive victims), and why they don''t tell. If they are aware enough to understand what happened, the shame is horrendous, after all, the shame is about something extremely private (do you talk about your sexual experiences?). And then, who would want to be subjected to more humiliation by telling people about it?!
We, the adults, are the only hope. Parents, Menahels, and Teachers, we must watch over our children with complete vigilance for their safety. Learn and pay attention to warning signs of a molester in the midst. And never let a molester get away loose, chased from one community *or* school to another. Look around, keep your eyes open. If there are children acting out any kind of sexual game such as "you show me yours" then your alarms should go off and you should start looking around and asking questions and get to the root of the problem, because little kids don''t get sexual unless someone opens up that door for them. And when you find an adult perpetrator, treat him as you would a murderer, because I''m telling you, it is murder. May HaShem protect the children, and heal the victims speedily.

(26)
toto,
November 10, 2008 11:14 AM

SUPERB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUPERB "AND" FANTASTIC!!

(25)
Elise,
November 10, 2008 10:33 AM

School issues

One of the major access points to children is the school environment. Many of the Jewish schools do not follow the normal precautions that public schools have to follow. i.e. DOJ backround checks. You would be disturbed at how lax many of the schools are when it comes to administrative issues.
As parents, we owe it to our children to make sure the schools are compliant.

(24)
A,
November 9, 2008 9:03 PM

breaking the cycle is necessary, but how?

if this is a disease, could you clarify if it is genetic? what causes it?
how and/or why do victims become abusers themselves?
how is this cycle broken?
could aish find a couple of people who may be 'recovered' pedophiles, to hear his/their side and they overcame and deal with that horrible situation?

(23)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 9:00 PM

stopping cover-ups

This article was well written and gives excellent ideas for how parents can protect their children. However, when there are schools that cover-up for teachers that molest, and discourage victims *or* parents from publicizing their stories, completely neglecting, halacha, their fiduciary responsibilities and concern for their Talmidim, it is difficult to know what parents can do to know who is molesting their children.

(22)
Debra,
November 9, 2008 8:12 PM

Thanks Aish!

My mother grew up in a large family with daily incest, many of her brothers are pedophiles who also molested many of us children, their neices and nephews.
My eldest brother raped us girls and brothers since my infantcy until as teenagers we were able to leave home and fight back.
Our parents knew, but when us girls complained to our parents we were told to shut up, that's what girls are for etc.
Our second brother also raped some of us girls for years, then many young neibour girls, then finaly turned himself in to the police and served two years in jail.
Our oldest brother's wife refuses to believe he raped any of us and hates us
even though we are sure she knows he raped his own daughter and other friends....the story goes on.
Now this eldest brother is dying and has admitted to me what he has done,
and says it isn't his wife's fault that she hates us all, he's lied to her for years. I have forgiven him and told him to settle things with Hashem, but the hurt goes on.
Thanks for trying to help others.
Dispite what some say, brother-sister incest can be very devistating.

(21)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 6:44 PM

One of the reasons why victims do not seek help is because of the idea that "many abused children grow up to become abusers themselves." that is just an excuse, it creates the idea that if one tells someone what happened he or she will be suspected of also being a criminal- Despite wanting help. So victims are forced to keep quiet by the same people who are trying to help them-Dr's and Psychologist.

(20)
Amanda,
November 9, 2008 6:11 PM

I think its great that AISH has finally published something about this issue. The orthodox community is not immune to such problems. However, I think there also needs to be an emphasis on accepting the victims into the mainstream community. Above you said, "many become abusers themselves." I feel like this is alienating for a victim who already feels enough shame. If a victim of abuse does not get therapy and is more likely a man than a woman, yes it is possible but I feel like it is insensitive for victims who may be reading this. These children grow up to be adults who want to get married and lead normal lives and they need to be respected and embraced, not just the child.

(19)
Sherree Belsky,
November 9, 2008 4:52 PM

A few additional points

There are a few very important points that still needs to be addressed. Although child molestation may be a disease, those afflicted do have a choice to seek help or to follow through on their dangerous desires. And as mentioned no cure has been found, therapy or incarceration is a must because these individuals MUST be monitored. They may be able to be productive citizens but they can never go back to a NORMAL life as they knew it before because they MAY NEVER EVER be in an environment where they would be near victims again.
Secondly, many aspects of how children are affected by such abuse whether during the stage of molestation or in the future was mentioned but one very serious aspect was left out and that is suicide. Suicide is also a result of child sexual molestation so pedophiles can acutally turn out to be murderers. Let's actually see this for the utmost serious situation that it actually is. Children going off the derech, or not having normal relationships in their adult lives is a terrible fall out from this issue, but that is not the worst of it, death is the worst.
And one more very important point, although it is extremely important to educate parents and children on how to protect themselves the onus should not be placed on children. The onus should be placed on adults and the community in general on how to protect their children. That means how Yeshivas and non-public schools have to take responsibility for finger-printing and background checks on ALL their employees and staff as recommended by the Rabbinical Council of America, and the BJE just as the Public School System does. There is a bill in the Assembly currently waiting to come up for vote that will make that mandatory in the state of New York. And have a registry so that dangerous individuals don't hop from one yeshiva to another. Our yiddishe neshomas deserve no less than their public school counterparts.
In addition, our Roshei Yeshivas and spiritual leaders need to understand that the safety, security and future success and well being of our children is way more important than protecting the pedophiles in their systems even if they are respected Rabbonim or respected individuals in all other aspects of their lives. Anyone who could molest a child is a rodef and a rosha, and must be removed from any potential victims immediately and turned over to the appropriate authorities so they cannot hurt another child. They must be put out of business immediately.
You can't leave it up to a child to take responsibility to say "no" or to do that. It is the responsibility of the adults in their lives to do that.
And one more thing, Yeshivas should set policy that there are open viewing windows in every room where anyone can look in (no blocking windows). No one is allowed to be alone with a child in any room at any time, and no mechanech past pre-school is allowed to place any student on their lap or get closer than 6 inches to the child. Parents should teach these rules to their kids as well.
Although the ratio of sexual abuse and molestation that is going on in the schools versus outside the schools is less, it is still too much and going on way too long. We didn't start it in our generation but we can certainly do something to stop it. We have to start somewhere, we cannot allow victims to have no voice and conitnue being lost souls. We have to be their voice and institute safety measures for today, tomorrow and the future. We can't wait for the naysayers and those who deny this is happening to get on the bandwagon and agree. Each and every Jew has an achrius to help a Jewish child be safe, literally consider it pikuach nefesh.
Sherree Belsky
Vice President
Jewish Board of Advocates for Children

(18)
Zero Tolerance,
November 9, 2008 4:32 PM

Zero Tolerance

Abusers of children, and all sexual crimeinals must be shown no mercy or tolerance. It cannot be shoved under the rug or otherwise ignored. While it may be a "disease" it needs to be dealt with using the same vigour that is used in hunting down murderers and others. Pedophiles are parasites that need to be detached from society and locked away- if not executed (depending on the case). We need to make Megan's Law tougher and tough until these people are literally driven from our midst. Yasher Koach to the FBI for hunting these people down and locking them up- keep up the good work. ZERO TOLERANCE!!!!!

(17)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 4:25 PM

Thank you

Thank you AISH for writing wanderful articles such as this that address real issues that are happening and effecting everyone of us in some way, this is one place I have found that writing about these issues speaks of the Problem and offers a solution that I would have no idea where to get it. Thank you and please continue doing such a great job in educating us.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 3:33 PM

Preventing prevention

Thank you for beginning the discussion. Allow me to add a little more science/research. Pedophiles can be divided into two main categories. Those who are ego syntonic, meaning they see nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to children and see society as the ones who have a problem, and those are who ego dystonic- these individuals are tortured by their sexual attraction to children and desperately wish they could make it stop. However society has made it crystal clear that if you come forward and admit to a problem you will go to prison and be humiliated by a public list for the rest of your life. It used to be that individuals who admit to abuse in a therapy session were protected from prosecution and were treated in a humane manner that helped both the patient and the victim. Now every state demands that a therapist report anything a client says. The result? No one comes forward and the abuse continues. We have become a society focused on punishment. By the way there is an excellent article on this subject with real data published by Dr Fred Berlin in the Journal of Forensic Psychiatry way back in 1991. Maybe if the public became more educated on this subject and told their legislators we want to prevent abuse and not just punish people, we will begin to see laws that reflect scientific reality. By the way, most of the people on sex offenders list are NOT pedophiles despite law makers continued efforts to pretend otherwise. The Jewish response to "love thy neighbor" is more in tune with compassionate treatment and an atmosphere that is conducive to allowing the perpetrator to come forward and seek help. We need to remind our legislators that Torah does not mean only to love those like us, but everyone. Then we can treat those with problems and actually PREVENT further abuse. One more thing--the listing of harm done to a child by sexual abuse are exactly the same things I see in my practice from those who are physically and emotionally abused. Trauma is in the eye of the beholder. And interestingly, physical and emotional trauma because it is so often perpetrated by the very people who are supposed to love and protect us the most, often results in more harm than a single episode of sexual trauma by a stranger.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 3:18 PM

prevent recidivism is a community's job

The majority of pedophiles who have spent time in prison will reoffend upon release. The only good programme I have heard of which has a remarkable rate of prevention of reoffending is called the "Circle of Responsibility' wherein the faith community agrees to take on the job of supporting the paedophile. A small group meets often with the offender, discusses his life and his situation - employment, social life, health etc. They are all prepared to be available to the offender at ANY time if he feels himself to be at risk of attacking a child. In return, the offender is required to accept and admit responsibility for his actions, take part in planning his life so that he will not be in any risky situations with children, and make that important call or visit when he feels at risk. Without a strong Circle of Responsibility, where can a paedophile go to get his life back in order? These are people who are reviled and rejected by society. The members of the Circle do not condone or accept what the person has done in the past, but they are prepared to do their utmost to prevent it from happening again. And apparently it works.

(14)
Geraldine M. Katovich,
November 9, 2008 2:08 PM

Sibling Threat

Just to re-enforce what Anonymous in Comment #10 said, often the abuser is the parent or the sibling. I also work with children and adolescents and it has been my experience that often the molester is the older sibling. The child is left angry, unable to perform in school at the level they had been, they isolate from friends and show various symptoms of depression and anxiety. Usually what gets them into treatment is not the abuse, but the anger outburst or the depression or anxiety. Maybe a really good therapist will figure out they have been abused because they seldom will volunteer or collaborate the information.

(13)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 11:19 AM

I married into...

a family where there had been several generations of child sexual abuse on both sides. My mother-in-law had been abused by her father, and she married someone who had been abused. Her husband ended up abusing all of his children viciously and repeatedly. We did get a conviction many years after some of the incidents because one of the states where they lived did not have a statute of limitation on this type of felony. The father did serve a three-year prison term. Encouraging the authorities to pursue conviction, even on this old case, took a lot of our emotional and financial resources, but it did great wonders for my husband's healing process. My mother-in-law was reared Jewish but converted to Christianity after she married her pedophile of a husband. It happens in all religions.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 11:13 AM

Here's a little handy jingle:

Here are signs to protect our children from danger:
In 95% of cases, the molester's not a stranger.
He's someone you know. And respect. He's disarming.
He is drawn to children. And he's awfully charming.

(11)
anonymous,
November 9, 2008 11:06 AM

good job aish!

Thank you for posting such a well written, sensitive article on a delicate subject. You should add that often times children are afraid to tell their parents because they do not want to get their abuser--unfortunately, usually someone they're close to -- in trouble. ALSO--having worked with children in numerous jobs, shockingly enough, the abuser is a parent or sibling. Then, the child really feels like he/she has nowhere to turn to. Incest seems to be a taboo topic, but is a grim reality even in "religious" homes. That almost ALWAYS goes unreported, and perhaps in a subsequent article, this too can be dealt with.

(10)
Rachel J.,
November 9, 2008 10:54 AM

Thank you!

If only all the parents understood how serious of a problem this actually is in our communities. Unfortunately a lot of us are in denial. We have to try really hard to make every one aware that this is a real issue amongst our communities and work together to get rid of this epidemic.
Don't wait until it hits home, every child that is abused is your problem!!!

(9)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 10:50 AM

Is Sex Addicition related to Pedophilia?

I wonder is there a relationship between sex addiction (infidelity, on line porn, etc) and subsequent pedophilia??

One of my reasons for leaving my husband was the progressively ugly content of the porn he watched online (in addition to several affairs). In the beginning he was looking at relatively normal erotic material. Over time he started looking at porn that depicted teen girls being kidnapped, raped, sodomized, humiliated, harmed and so forth. It is my understaning that porn addicts often progress to uglier and uglier material over time. I am wondering if we should be concerned that his behavior will escalate to actual seduction of teen girls.

Currently he is currenetly seeing 2 college age girls but both are legal age to consent.

He is a well respected and much loved member of the religious community and continues to assist with Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation. He is a professional who works daily with children and teens. Would you be concerned?

(8)
Leah,
November 9, 2008 9:59 AM

Re sexual abuse

This was an unusually excellent article about sexual abuse. As a clinical social worker who has been trained for years in this area and worked with many children and adults who were victims of abuse, I applaud this article. Well done!

(7)
A.L.,
November 9, 2008 9:39 AM

Bringing this issue to the forefront

I was so pleased to recieve this article via email from a dear friend of mine who works tirelessly for this cause. As a survivor, in middle-age, it is so important to me to see that this topic,CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE, which is largely discussed in main-stream media, is brought to the forefront in the Jewish community. It's got to become OK to talk about this and to do something about it without fear of being ostracized from our own community. Childhood sexual abuse has life-altering effects on a survivor for his entire life. The article is a breath of fresh air with its consise, in-depth presentation of the facts and the potential solution. WE ARE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE. We have a RESPONSIBILITY to open our eyes and protect our children and to show the rest of the world how to do it. Thank you.

(6)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 9:36 AM

thank you for this article!

It's so hard to believe that well-respected members of our community can sexually abuse our children. I found out the hard way that they can. They are sick people that need help. When rabbis just facilitate moving these sick people to other towns, they are enabling more and more children to get hurt and they are not helping the perpetrator either, who needs intensive help to get better. It is so difficult and painful to make an allegation of sexual abuse about a respected community member. Rabbis need to strongly encourage victims to bring their allegations to authorities who can expertly investigate allegations. Victims need to be given immense support from our rabbis now, to override the past mistakes made in sweeping these kinds of problems under the rug for generations, so that it has now increased exponentially. It's a great Kiddush Hashem to bring this problem to light ourselves. Through dealing with the lowest things, may we merit to fulfill our highest goals.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 9:06 AM

Lets stop pedophiles from running freely

Thank you for this article. People need to know that molestation does exist in Jewish communities and to take necessary precautions for their children.

Pedophiles need to be known to the community so we can protect our children. Pedophiles need to be condemned and reported to the police (not a local rabbi)to be put in jail. It needs to be annouced who is a pedophile (not just to the community he abused others in but to all communities around the world). Unfortunatley pedophiles jump from community to community leaving more and more victims behind. By stopping pedophiles from being free to walk around we can protect our children so much better. Parents should be careful about their children being near an alleged pedophiles children and family relatives.

We as a caring Jewish community need to show utmost care, concern and respect for victims of abuse. Unfortunately, usually victims are treated horribly after sharing thier abuse. We need to change that and treat them with utmost honor and care.

We need to be extra cautious to protect our children from being sexually abused since this can ruin their emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. After all we invest in our children, lets not let pedophiles ruin it.

(4)
tlg,
November 9, 2008 9:01 AM

something that I teach all children is that that can say "no", I do this from the day I start working with them, while changing diapers. I ask if they want their tummy tickled - if they say 'yes', they get tickles, if they say 'no' I pick up my hand immediately and verbally reinforce that they said 'no' and it's their choice.

(3)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 8:27 AM

Thank you!

This article was desperately needed! Two of my children were victims of sexual abuse, and even though we have a very close relationship, they were not able to tell me until much later. The "red flags" indicated in the article were not there. Until this recently became a subject that could be discussed, I never thought to bring it up with my children. Now I know. We need to bring this topic up with our children every so often, in a calm and loving way. And victims can never get too much support in order to regain trust in respected religious authority figures who abused their trust in the most intimate, vulnerable way possible. Being abused sexually hits a person at their core. So in a parallel manner, the spiritual core, a child''s soul, also gets wounded deeply.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 8:24 AM

Finally coming into open...

Thank you for this article. Chezi Goldberg ZT"L and Rabbi Horowitz Shlita have give a voice to this issue and I am happy to see articles addressing this major problem. it is time to throw away the stigmas and give the victims a chance at life (and lock away the pedophiles !!!!!

(1)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2008 7:53 AM

Thank you!

From an adult who was a victim of childhood sexual abuse I can only thank you for bringing this forth so openly. I only wish my parents had spoken to me about this before it happened.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...