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Commuter tragically dies in rush to station to commit suicide

Police investigating the death from a heart attack of insurance broker Gerald Murray, yesterday found evidence that he was planning to throw himself under the very train he was rushing to catch.

‘6:59 am. So this is it,’ read Mr Murray’s note. ‘Looks like we’ve got a good morning for it. It’s been two years since my wife left and I’m stuck in a tedious job commuting on the 7:26 every bloody morning with the same bloody people who never say anything to each other. Well! The bastards will have something to talk about today when they watch me SHIT look at the time! I’ll miss the train!’

After the coroner’s verdict of death by natural causes, Network Rail officials solemnly scattered Mr Murray’s ashes onto the track ahead of the arrival of the 7:26. ‘It’s what he would have wanted,’ said a spokesman at 7:51, apologising for the delay caused by the wrong kind of ash on the line.