February 11, 2007

Funny Ha Ha

Never let it be said that some Christians (or at least this one) don't have a sense of humor.

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Jesus spoke to the crowd, saying ‘Let whoever is without sin cast the first stone’. A rock sailed past his ear. Jesus turned and said, ‘Mother, really…’

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Jesus walks into a Motel 6, puts a bag of nails on the desk, and says:“Can you put me up for the night?”

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Why doesn’t Jesus Christ like M&M’s?

They fall through the holes in his hands.

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A man named Murphy has business manufacturing nails. He reckons it’s time to get into the modern age of advertising so he goes to a production company and asks them to make a commercial for him. They tell Murphy to come back in two weeks and they’ll have the commercial all ready.

Murphy comes back and they sit him down in a viewing room to see the commercial. Up on the screen appears a wide panoramic view of the city of Jerusalem. The camera zooms and pans until it focuses on the hill where Jesus was crucified. There on the hill are Roman soldiers nailing Jesus to the cross. A deep male voice then pronounces “Murphy’s nails, the best in the world.”

Murphy exclaims “Jaysus, sure ye can’t show dat ya feckin’ eejit, I’ll be excommunicated and I’ll go out of business!!” The producer apologizes and tells Murphy to come back in two weeks and he’ll have a new commercial all ready.

So Murphy arrives back at the studio where they sit him down in the screening room yet again. And up on the screen again appears a panoramic view of Jerusalem. The camera pans and zooms and again comes to rest on Calvary. The camera continues to zoom on the two Roman soldiers standing there looking up at the cross. . .but the cross is empty. The camera pans over to a field of grass and there in the field is Jesus running away into the distance. The announcer’s voice comes on proclaiming, “This wouldn’t have happened if they had used Murphy’s nails!”

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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Unitarian?

Someone who rings your doorbell for no particular reason.

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How do you know when you’ve pissed off the Unitarians?

They burn a question mark on your front yard.

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Jesus, Mohammed and some random fundie asshole I can’t be bothered to name were fishing on a lake one day. Jesus realizes they’ve forgotten the beer on shore, so he walks across the water, grabs the beer, and walks back. Then Mohammed realizes they’re out of bait, but there’s more on shore, so he walks across the water, grabs the bait, and walks back. Then the Fundie Asshole realizes he left his Bible on shore, so he steps off the boat and plunges straight down into the water, where he promptly drowns.

Jesus turns to Mohammed and says, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

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A Quaker farmer hears a noise downstairs, and he sneaks out to take a look. He sees a burglar ransacking his living room, so he goes back to his room to get his bird gun. He sneaks downstairs and, aiming the shotgun at the man’s back, he says, “Pardon me, Friend, but thou art standing right where I’m about to shoot."

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A Christian, a Wiccan and an atheist are playing golf when, out of nowhere, a tornado heads straight for them. The Christian falls to his knees and prays, “Lord, save me!”

The Wiccan tears off her clothes, spreads her arms wide to the sky and cries, “Lord and Lady and all the Elements, guard and protect me!”

The atheist grabs a tree and cries, “Oh shiiiiiit!”

*****

The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an Act of God!”

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!”

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In response to the health issues of its aging parishioners, the Church has developed a low-fat, low-carbohydrate Communion wafer.

2 comments:

Hey, thanks for the link. A question: I noticed that I'm included under the heading "secular feminists." I was just wondering what your criteria were for determining which blogs go where? I'm not asking to be moved - just curious.