>After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young Secretary.>His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's>multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better,>he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.>She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and>suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her>things.

>On the third day, she sat down for the last time at>their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft>background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,a jar of caviar, and a>bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every>room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar,>into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and>left.>When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the>first few days.>Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning &>mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and>carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.>Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they>had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace>the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.>People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen>refused to work in the house...The maid quit...>Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.>A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not>find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the>local realtors refused to return their calls.>Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a>new place.>The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her>the saga of the rotting house.>She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and>would be willing to reduce her>divorce settlement In exchange for getting the house back...>Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price>that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she>were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed,>and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.>A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched>the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again!!!

Second Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last night!".

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

And the Winner is...

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.However , as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School ... Usually she slept through the class.One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'