A shocking discovery has been made at the University of Rochester that wood causes cancer. Desperate attempts are being made currently worldwide to take down several landmarks and houses are being rebuilt so that they are safe for human inhabitancy - most houses are now being built out of plastic in the hope that humankind will be safe.

Dr. R. J. Wilkinson has encased himself in a box coated with 2 metres of lead in an attempt to free himself of the wood-infested world. Although his attempts have been criticised he stated before entering the box - "I'll be the one laughing 30 years down the line". Dr. Wilkinson later died of lead poisoning after trying to eat the inside casing of the box. His widow will inherit no money as it was spent on the lead protection device.

Our advise is to stay indoors at all time unless of course your house is made out of wood. If your house is made out of wood run for your life, jump into a lake to detoxify yourself then burn yourself alive.