Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Wedding Royale,” or “Thrilla in Camilla.” [graphic of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles at their wedding at top left] Well, Charles and Camilla were married despite delays and a queen who conspired to royally flush it down the toilet. Charles said he understands his mother’s absence, but Camilla says the queen was being an Eliza-bitch. No word on the honeymoon, but knowing those two, they’re probably already back at the palace, bucking hams. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of male and female silhouettes with question mark at top right] What super duo is reportedly on the rocks? I won’t la-chey, but things are a total mess-ica. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson] Ooo-eee-ooo!

Ian: [graphic of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen in torn picture at top left] And now, “Sorry Charlie,” or “For Richer and for Poorer.” Well, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have split. Charlie wants another chance, but Denise says she’s sheen enough. She says his cheating ways took her out at de-knees. With Charlie available again, we hear his phone is ringing off the hooker. She says he spent time with porn stars. He says those relationships were strictly “Platoon”-ic. What’s that? Didn’t like that last one? Me, neither. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of Hugh Grant at top right] What fit Brit news correspondent pulled a Pat O’Brien and has been leaving Hugh Grant X-rated voice mails? I’ll give you one clue: If you called her mobile, I’d answer. Ooo-eee-ooo! [graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind Hugh Grant’s shoulder]

Edwina: Edwina Peppermint here, with all the “Desperate Housewives” dirt. This week, Wisteria Lane turned into hysteria lane on a Vanity Fair shoot. Marcia got cross and left Felicity huff-man. Was Terry hatchering a plan to get the best swimsuit? Come on, girls, share and Nicolette share-idan alike, or you won’t stay on top for Eva long-oria. The whole ordeal proves once again that when it comes to “Desperate Housewives”, them bitches is crazy. Back to you.

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Great work, Edwina. Great work.

Zoe: [previous graphic of Zoe joyfully peering from behind Hugh Grant’s shoulder] This just in. We’ve got a recording of those naughty messages.

[recorded beep]

Zoe: [voice over] Oh, my, you’re so hot. I’m so into you. I want you to snog my knickers. [Zoe mouths along to parts of this] If you’re into this, give me a look, or a wave, or a wink, or just ignore me.

Zoe: Hmmm, I guess we’ll never find out who the mystery caller is.

[recorded beep]

Zoe: [voice over] By the way, this is Zoe. Zoe Anderton. From “Spy Glass.”

Zoe: Ooo-eee-ooo.

Ian: [previous graphic of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen] One more on the Sheen-Richards split. Friends say despite it all Denise is being a “Starship Trooper.”

Zoe: Hmmm, not your best work, Ian.

Ian: It’s hard when they’re not in bigger movies. Speaking of movies, let’s check in with our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire

Gene: [with mouth full] Oh, yeah, well, I got a great deal. [notices camera] Aaah! [spits out muffin and puts plate down] Parum, parum, parum! Well, once again it’s that time of year when new movies come out every Friday. “Pacifier”? I’d be a paci-liar if I told you this movie wasn’t a Vin-ner. What’s that say? This was one piece of art that was painted on a Diesel. “Sin City”? Once again, where there’s a Bruce Willis, there’s a way. Jessica Alba…seeing that one, again and again. Based on a comic book, this movie stars com-Mickey Rourke. Oh, boy. I think I’m bleeding in my brain! This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King