In the highly believable-ish Sharks in Venice (aka, Shark in Venice/2008), David’s archaeologist dad was diving under Italy’s famous waterlogged city, looking for the fabled Medici treasure, when he was attacked by a great white shark. This resulted in him not being an archaeologist. David and his girlfriend go to Venice to find his missing dad. (Hey, David — start with the shark’s litter box and go from there.)

Criminals are also in search of the fabled Medici treasure, which is hidden somewhere under the permanent high tide that surrounds Venice. They’ve already lost a member or two of their organization to the sharks. I bet they tasted gamey.

David goes diving for clues as to his dad’s last moments, and ends up being attacked by a shark of all things. He survives a shoulder bite and in the process, finds the treasure. Criminal logic dictates that by kidnapping David’s chick, they can force him to lead them to the booty. The Venetian polizia have been trying to bust those mean criminals, and move in.

Some weak fist fights and motorcycle chases eat up time until the sharks get their moment to chow down on tourists or “foreign food.” The swimming mouths are not shown chewing into human swimsuits, but there is a lot of splashing and red stuff, maybe in the water. As this takes place in Italy, I presume it to be some sort of tangy tomato sauce, used in a wide variety of pasta dishes and for bread dipping.

So how did great white sharks end up in Venice? Expedia.com™ was running a promotional travel sale that week.

Super7.com — maker of retro action figures, shirts and possibly tea-strainers of pop culture personages/things, are offering a series of six retro Planet of the Apes action figures or “toys” for a non-retro price of $15.00 each. So cool, and yet my wallet is pushing back.

Here’s from the press release: “Super7 is beyond stoked to be part of the 50th Anniversary of the original Planet of the Apes film! Now you can travel back to an alternate universe where Apes are waiting at the toy shop after the sci-fi classic blew 1968 minds. Far out, man!”

Far out, man. I heard a hippie say that to me once. I had no idea what he was saying. Maybe it was his response to me telling him he should experience the glory of the washcloth.

So you can get Cornelius, Dr. Zauis, General Ursus, Nova, Taylor and Zira individually or as a set for $90. (No discount for a group purchase). It should be noted that the Taylor action figure isn’t wearing clothes and when you pull the string on the Nova figure, it doesn’t say anything. (Kidding, none of ‘em have strings and most seem to wearing at least a smile.)

Click HERE snag ‘em (the packaging is way cool). And should decide not to buy ‘em. Here are a few now available/upcoming horror and sci-fi films that unfortunately talk when you pull the string…

THE NURSERY (available now)
“When Ranae, a college student babysits for a family with a tragic history, she finds herself stalked by a sinister presence and haunted by ghosts from her own past. Soon, she and her friends must confront the angry, evil spirit hunting them down one-by-one on a deliberate march towards its ultimate prey.”

Geez — what is it with people “haunted by ghosts from their own past”? Who doesn’t have that? heck, I have about a baker’s dozen — or Th13teen Ghosts (heh) — of ‘em just waiting to trip me up every time I’m hired to babysit. Hey, it beats delivering newspapers in the rain. Like the ghosts, that B.S. messes up my hair.

HOUSE OF EVIL (available now)
“Set in the early 70’s, House of Eviltells the story of a young couple, John and Kate, that move into an old mansion in the countryside. Soon they discover that the house is haunted by the Devil himself, who want to possess them and enter the world.”

Even though it was filmed in Italy and released in 2017 where Italian food was born and tastes way better than it does over here in the States, this is an English language flick. Never mind that the plot is so worn out, even the Devil herself only makes cameos; Italian food is tastier than hell.

THE APPEARANCE (2018)
“An officer of the Inquisition and rational man of science, visits a remote monastery to investigate a bizarre murder of a monk. Something evil is afoot. But is the terror man-made or the result of witchcraft?”

Nope, it’s witchcraft. It’s the only thing that makes sense, especially when you have an evil foot.

EMPATHY, INC. (June 24, 2018)
“At the lowest and most desperate moment in his life, hotshot venture capitalist Joel meets old friend Nicolaus and his business partner Lester, who are seeking investors in a new technology known as XVR — Xtreme Virtual Reality — from their company Empathy, Inc., which is said to offer the most realistic and moving experiences for users by placing them in the lives of the less fortunate. Joel gets the startup its funds but soon discovers that the tech’s creators have far more sinister uses in store for their creation and that the reality it provides its customers isn’t virtual.”

This borrows heavily from 1984’s Dreamscape. But ifEmpathy, Inc. want real virtual experiences for their customers, best to not let them put their pity hat on to step into my shoes. I have an evil afoot.

Finally, a book worth reading — a re-telling of the famous events that took place in Alien (1979) on the space freighter Nostromo when the crew brought back a face-hugging alien from the planet below. And it’s done by Jonesey the cat’s point of view. Jonesy, as we know, is Ripley’s kitty and witnessed the whole “alien pops out of your chest” thing and kills the entire crew….except, of course, Ripley and Jonesy.

Due on October 16, 2018 on Titan Books, author Rory Lucey releases Jonesy: Nine Lives on the Nostromo, an illustrated book “that offers a cat’s eye view of all the terror!” Here’s the fun press release blurb: “Aboard the USCSS Nostromo, Jonesy leads a simple life enjoying The Company cat food and chasing space rodents. Until one day, his cryostasis catnap is rudely interrupted. The humans have a new pet…and it’s definitely not house-trained.”

Don’t know how much it’s gonna cost, but it shouldn’t matter as we all need to have this book. And while we contemplate space life from a feline’s point of view, here’s a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your chest burst with excitement…

THE REJECTED (available now)
Recovered footage and self-filmed documentary that journals a UFO sighting and possible abduction. This found footage film will test even those with the most open-minded beliefs. Is The Rejected actual proof of aliens on Earth or is this an elaborate hoax? We let you decide.”

This is supposed to be a “documentary,” but I smell a found-footage rat. So have aliens really landed on Earth or is it an elaborate hoax? I’m gonna be absolutely decisive on this subject and say both.

ROAD TO HELL (August, 2018/Italy)
“A group of robbers fleeing to a new life, crossing their path with a woman, with her son and with the tragic curse they bring with them. A criminal boss and a mysterious organization of unscrupulous men, to help them, an ex-policeman with hasty methods and a jealous girlfriend. The escape will soon turn into a mad rush to Hell to save the life of the child and the fate of the world.”

If you’re from Italian Land (or “Italy”), this one’s called Fino all’Inferno. I have no idea what that means. Still, this sounds like a reality TV show. I can see wanting to save the kid, but we already know the horrible fate of the world — we’re living in it right now.

LITTLE MONSTERS (2018)
“Dave, a washed-up musician, volunteers to chaperone his nephew’s kindergarten class field trip after taking a shine to the plucky schoolteacher, Miss Caroline. Dave’s intentions are complicated by the presence of the world’s most famous kid’s show personality, and competition for Miss Caroline’s affections, Teddy McGiggle. One thing none of them bargained for however, is a sudden zombie outbreak, from which Dave and Miss Caroline must protect the children.”

A kid’s show personality calling himself, Teddy McGiggle? I bet the zombies would tell you he tastes funny.

SICK FOR TOYS (2018)
“Roy accepts an invitation to have Christmas dinner with a beautiful and strangely alluring woman. Once at dinner, he realizes that his date and her oddball brother are not what they seem, and he soon ends up fighting for his life.”

Yeah, but did he get to finish his meal first? Sure hope it wasn’t a three-bean casserole; you eat a plate of that and you’d definitely be fighting for your life. You, or the people sitting nearby. Heh.

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Behold, the new key art poster for Channel Zero: No End House. I hear tell they’re gonna use the Brian Russell tale on Creepypasta.com, where they got the entire 6-episode plot for Channel Zero: Candle Cove (2016).

If you haven’t seen it, you might wanna watch it and fill your pants with creepy pasta (home of the Slenderman legend). It’s some of the spookiest TV on television. Okay, that was a bit redundant. So what — I drink.

While we’re waiting for Channel Zero: No End House to debut on the SyFy Channel™on September 20, 2017, here are a few horror, sci-fi and fantasy adventure movies to get your pasta pot boiling….

THE 13th FRIDAY (October 7, 2017)
“When a female refugee discovers an ancient demonic device that opens the gateway to another realm, she unleashes a dark entity that poses as her daughter. After many failed attempts to have the church explain the creation of her worst nightmares, she learns that the house is cursed by an enraged spirit that died on Friday the 13th. And now a group of thrill seeking friends unknowingly unleash its wrath and damn their souls.”

Clever — take the iconic branding of Friday the 13th, swap the letters around just a bit, and then ride the coattails of a successful franchise with a weak plot/script. I should try that with my bar tab.

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2017)
“This anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist – a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Borrows heavily from the Italian gore fest Demons (1985), in which move-goers are trapped in a theater during a screening of a violent horror movie, unbeknown that they themselves are about to become infected demon gore zombies that shred each other into half-chewed Twizzlers™. Once again, life imitates art.

TOMB RAIDER (March 16, 2018)
“Lara Croft is the fiercely independent daughter of an eccentric adventurer who vanished years earlier. Hoping to solve the mystery of her father’s disappearance, Croft embarks on a perilous journey to his last-known destination — a fabled tomb on a mythical island that might be somewhere off the coast of Japan. The stakes couldn’t be higher as Lara must rely on her sharp mind, blind faith and stubborn spirit to venture into the unknown.”

This reboot is already getting taken to task on the Internet for the poor Photoshopping of Alicia Vikander (Lara Croft) in the key art. It looks like she has a horse neck. Maybe she works out a lot and has hulk bulked her lateral flexion.

APPLECART (2017/2018)
“A caring mother loses her sanity, setting off a chain of events resulting in tragedy and murder. The story of Casey Pollack unfolds from two very different perspectives when one night in the woods culminates in absolute terror.”

Only one thing that can set off a caring mother, turning her into a murderer — stretching Saran Wrap™ over the toilet seat, then lowering the lid. When mom has to tinkle, stand back and wait for the fun/murder. That may or may not have happened to me during my prankster years (grade 4 through 12).

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
“Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos TanzCompany in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

MAB (2017)
“Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

You don’t have to put on Shark Exorcist (2015) to watch a supremely crappy shark movie. Just go on YouTube™ and pull up the obscure Deep Blood, a 1989 Italian shark flick, featuring no fishy action or graphic kill scenes whatsoever. So why did I watch it? It was free. But free in this case meant you’ll pay a price — 90 minutes of your expiration date.

The title comes from a pact four young boys made to alway be friends and to kill a great white shark lest one of them should be eaten by one. Guess what happens? 10 years later the boys reunite for a fishing vacation at a small beach community stalked by a marauding shark. (Likely an out of towner, also on vacation.) One of the boys is sharked to death and the remaining friends make another pact: kill that shark hard for what it did.

Vengeance is the first thing on their minds (with boobies coming in a very close second). They prep their trap while the shark (stock footage of several great white sharks swimming in circles and occasionally coming to the surface for air) munches on beach food. The kills are nothing more than screaming swimmers in an eruption of blood bubbles (or “Texas Champagne”). You don’t see the shark actually doing any attacking, just a lot of red froth. And screaming.

The boys’ plan is to use explosives to turn the shark into puzzle pieces. Gonna be a challenge as the mean fish is thought to be an incarnation of an ancient hoodoo (West African spiritual traditions and beliefs) spirit that took the form of a killer shark.

So yeah, African spirit hoodoo sharks (different ones spliced in to emphasize the premise) in Italy. A more entertaining idea would’ve been to do a movie about voodoo spaghetti. And instead of blood, they could use tomato sauce, which I hear is smiliar in color. Just thinking out loud.