Shorts / St. Patricks Day vs. The Morning After

Script

St. Patricks Day vs. The Morning After

By Emily Axford & Streeter Seidell

The following video cuts between DRUNK SELF, a St. Patrick's
Day decked out drunken mess in a dark room, and SOBER SELF,
the same guy, but insanely hungover and just woke up, the
next morning.
DRUNK SELF
Hey, I got a feeling I'm gonna
forget this St. Patty's Day, but I
don't want to, so I'm making this
video. What's up, me?
SOBER SELF
What the fuck did you do to me.
DRUNK SELF
I'm gonna have an epic night. I
just stopped back here to take a
shit cause obviously I'm not gonna
dump at a bar.
SOBER SELF
No you're not.
DRUNK SELF
Also, I'll be pretty busy later
tonight, laying pipe in some drunk
Irish babe.
SOBER SELF
No. You're not. You're in an LDR
with Trish. You're making it work.
(beat)
And I don't think you ever took
that shit. I think you got
distracted making this video,
forgot, then took a shit in a
bag...
Holds up a TRADER JOHN'S BAG FULL OF SHIT.
SOBER SELF
...and carried it around with you
for the rest of the night.
Drunk Self is laughing.
DRUNK SELF
Branowitz just texted me. He's
gonna give me $20 if I shave a dick
into my head. I'm gonna do it.
SOBER SELF
No you're not.
DRUNK SELF
Spend that $20 on BEER.
SOBER SELF
Well, I don't think you-
DRUNK SELF
And since I'm 1/8th Irish, I'm
totes getting a shammy tat,
right...
(pointing to heart)
...here.
Sober Self lifts shirt. There's nothing. He is relieved.
SOBER SELF
Oh thank God you're not that
stupid.
CUTS BACK - Drunk Self is chugging from two bottles of
Jameson at the same time.
DRUNK SELF
That's called the Irish Walrus.
Moo.
(wiping mouth)
Good news! I adopted a dog!
SOBER SELF
What?
DRUNK SELF
I bought it from some Crust Punks
for a beer. Lucy!
As he calls, a mangy mutt enters. In the Sober Self screen,
a dog also enters, responding to the call of the video.
DRUNK SELF
I named him after dead Grandma.
Look at how big his nuts are!
Sober Self fights off mangy mutt.
Reveal Drunk self rubbing his exposed chest on the dog.
DRUNK SELF
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
SOBER SELF
Gross! Stop!
Drunk Self stops.
DRUNK SELF
Oh! I got this awesomest idea: if I
look like I already got beat up, no
one will try to fight me.
Drunk Self readies hand for contact with his own face.
SOBER SELF
(pointing to his black eye)
Okay, so that's where this came-
Drunk Self interrupts him by punching himself in the mouth.
DRUNK SELF
Ow.
He spits out a tooth.
SOBER SELF
Jesus.
Sober Self reaches in his mouth and finds no tooth, just a
painful wound. Sober Self gets a VOICEMAIL ALERT from his
phone. He shows it to Drunk Self.
SOBER SELF
Look. Ten missed calls from Trish.
What did you do to her??
As he talks we see a nasty Crust Punk girl wake up in the
background of the Sober Self video and start scrounging for
her shit.
SOBER SELF
(oblivious)
Drunkenly try to get Trish to show
you her boobs on skype. Try to take
a screenshot? Were you trying to
get sex pictures from her? You're
trying to spend your life with her!
Back to Drunk Self, on the phone with Trish.
DRUNK SELF
Trish. Trish. I wanna experiment
with an open relationship. Where
I'm open to do whatever I want. And
you're open to that idea. Anywho,
Happy St. Fatty-s Day. Seriously
you're gaining weight.
He hangs up.
SOBER SELF
Oh my god, stop! Please stop making
horrible decisions that I have to
deal with! Okay? Drink some water,
fall asleep on the futon, wake up
with a healthy but not overwhelming
amount of guilt, and show up late
to work like everyone else!
Drunk Self looks like he's listening, really concentrating
and learning a lesson. REVEAL he was shitting in a bag.
DRUNK SELF
(amused by self)
I shit in a bag!
He holds up a HOLE FOODS Bag.
DRUNK SELF
I learned this from the Crust
Punks.
SOBER SELF
Wait, that's not the same bag. You
shit in two bags?
NASTY CRUST PUNK GIRL
No.
Sober Self turns around to see the NASTY CRUST PUNK GIRL. We
see he has a dick shaved into his head.
NASTY CRUST PUNK GIRL
I shit in the other one.
SOBER SELF
Oh God, who are you?
He stands up to reveal nasty bloody shamrock tramp stamp
tattoo.
END.