Myths and Realities of Domestic Abuse Against Men

I post because of Richard, and because of Chris. Richard’s wife stalks my blog because she knows I’m telling the truth, and she can’t stand it, because abusers don’t want the truth about them to get out. Her constantly stalking me–rather than just laughing it off–is proof.

It’s amazing to hear of people not believing that women can abuse men. Does nobody remember “The Taming of the Shrew” anymore, or words like termagant? Is it a man’s fault if he’s henpecked so heavily that his spirit is broken? Is it really okay for women to hit men or verbally abuse them?

I’d hear girls say to boys on the playground, “Boys can’t hit girls, but girls can hit boys.” This was between first and second grade, and yet I already knew that was a screwed-up attitude, that it was neither just nor fair.

Growing up, I could identify girls who were just as mean as any boy bully could be. Their bullying could be verbal and emotional, as girls do to screw with each others’ heads, or physical, such as when I saw clumps of hair all over the girls’ locker room one day after two girls had been fighting.

I avoided such girls as much as I could, though unfortunately they would come after me anyway.

In high school, one day I sat in a classroom as a girl and a boy passed the open doorway–and I heard a loud smack as the girl punched the boy in the arm. I knew that wasn’t right.

So why do people act like it’s no big deal for a woman to abuse a man, or like it’s not even possible? Maybe some men think all women are angels and couldn’t possibly do this, but us women should all know better!

MYTH #1–ONLY MEN WHO ARE WIMPS ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE ABUSED BY WOMEN….Men who are physically assaulted by their abusive partners via punches, bites, kicks to the groin, attacked while they are driving and hit with hard objects etc. without retaliating are the real men.

I see this attitude on occasion, that abused men are wimps. I even saw it in Youtube comments on the movie Men Don’t Tell. What do they expect men to do to stop the abuse against them–smack the b**** up?

I even heard from a shocking source, “If she hits me in the face, I’ll fight back, and no judge in the state will convict me.” This from a man who is much larger than his wife and could smash her like a bug if he got angry enough.

Is that how you’ll protect yourself–by killing your wife? Is sitting in jail for assault or even murder going to keep you safe?

MYTH #2 – THE ABUSER IS THE BIGGER, STRONGER PERSON AND THE VICTIM IS THE SMALLER, WEAKER PERSON….Callers to our helpline have reported that they have had their arms broken, been stabbed and shot at, been hit with heavy objects that caused them to go to the emergency room to get stitches and had their intimate partners try to run them over with a vehicle.

Numerous abused men have reported life-threatening injuries at the hands of their intimate partners.

Not just that, but women can be skilled at twisting your mind through emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. Just ask any target of mean girls in school. Do you think those mean girls grow up to be sweet and kind?

MYTH #3 – WOMEN ONLY USE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN SELF DEFENSE.

I’ve seen a woman smacking her husband on the arm in anger. Not play, anger. That is domestic violence. And as a witness, I saw absolutely no reason for her to do this. He was not smacking her or in any way intimidating her; he was just sitting there, and something he did or said–I did not know what–had upset her.

He also tells me she’s gotten so angry that she would punch him, that he would restrain himself, but if she ever hit his face during these sessions, he would lose control and fight back. How is it self-defense, then, for her to hit him, period?

MYTH #4 – IF THE ABUSE WAS THAT BAD HE WOULD LEAVE BECAUSE A MAN CAN EASILY LEAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

Can he, when he’s the one taking care of the kids and house while she makes the money because she makes more? When it’s been ingrained in his head that men are not supposed to leave, that it would be a sin against God to divorce his abusive wife?

For the most part, incidents of domestic violence have been found to increase in severity when a victim leaves. Leaving an abusive situation requires resources such as money, housing, transportation, and support structures, all of which may have been eroded by life with an abuser.

Men stay for many of the same reasons women stay in abusive relationships. These are just a few: • to protect their children from an abusive parent; • family is important, when they got married it was for life; • their abuser controls the finances; • the abuser makes promises to change and/or get help for their violent behavior; • they love their partners and don’t want the relationship to end, just the abuse; • they feel and/or are told they are responsible for the abuse that is perpetrated upon them.

MYTH # 7 – RESEARCH SHOWS THAT IN 95-98% OF THE CASES WOMEN ARE THE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND MEN ARE THE PERPETRATORS.

I know of at least two men (Richard and Chris) who have been physically battered by their wives. And those are just people with whom I’ve been close enough in contact the last few years that I would know this. Or wait, maybe that’s three, based on some Facebook posts I’ve seen….

My Facebook friend count is in the low 200s, so out of that, 3 is about 6%. Even 2 would be 4%. Or maybe that’s 4 men, come to think of it, which would make it 8%…..Who knows how many of the guys just on my Facebook have been battered?

And as the article goes on to note,

Patriarchy and oppression of women does not account for the high rate at which domestic violence happens to lesbians, gay men, transgendered people or heterosexual men. Domestic abuse is said to occur in approximately 30 to 40% of GLBT relationships.