HELP!!! Bee-dubya's been hurt bad! He was making spaghetti for supper and went to open a can of tomato sauce, but it wasn't tomato sauce. He accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass on himself! He is all black and blue and probably needs a couple of stitches over his right eye.

I don't know how the can of whoop-ass got on the canned goods shelf. We usually keep the whoop-ass out in the toolshed. I heard Bee-dubya threaten to open a can of whoop-ass on our new kitten the other night, so he might have bought it when he bought catfood. I'm glad it was only a kitten-size can, 'cause if it was the industrial size or even the economy size can it might have killed the poor boy.

It doesn't look like anything's broken so he should be able to come out and play with you boys and girls in a day or so.

Werner Heisenberg noted in his Uncertainty Principle that simply examining something changed it, and thus you could never know its immediate configuration. Likewise, by asking the question you changed the MOAB...

So, Rapaire, can I consider the possibility that having changed the MOAB by posting to it, I have also changed myself, perhaps even changing my consciousness, imbuing it with all of the qualities and wisdom of the MOAB, thereby rendering unnecessary the reading of the posts that I've missed?

Or is it possible that the MOAB is really more of a mobius loop, going endlessly round and round itself, never entirely breaking free to explore new BS possibilities, but only adding, endlessly, layer after layer of a tissue thin veneer of BS?

And WWSD were he to find himself in such a pickle? Or Elvis, for that matter?

Granted, but the uncertainty of the semantics demonstrates the uncertainty of Uncertainty itself. Indeed, one could argue that Uncertainty is the only certainty, but then we couldn't be certain of that because of Werner Heisenberg's Principle! It is the Ultimate, the Perfect MOAB Principle! Of THAT, and THAT ALONE, can be be certainly uncertain!

Mistuh BWL, thet was inspired and indubitably ethnic and indigenous in origin, which demonstrates thet the MOAB has its OWN folk music and needs a sub-thread-section for MOAB Music, as valid as any parsing of a shape-note papyrus ever found on any other thread hyarabouts!! You sir, are inspired!!

I would agree with you, dear Rap, if I felt that all uncertainties were Schroedingerian in nature; but some, I fear, are purely semantic, and ambiguity can be as easily assigned to failures of syntax as to perturbations in quanta!

I would think a more rigorous approach would be in order, viz: begin where you last knew you were current. Note the number of posts from there back to the first MOAB post. Subtract this number from the total number of posts as shown in the posts listing. Read forward this number of posts OR read forward until you encounter a single empty posting box.

Enter an annotation into the posting box which either method will reveal, to the effect that you have encountered said posting box and the time at which you did so. This should provide a more stable point for future MOAB displacement metrics.

Carol, no matter how you attempt it you will fail to reach the end. Werner Heisenberg noted in his Uncertainty Principle that simply examining something changed it, and thus you could never know its immediate configuration. Likewise, by asking the question you changed the MOAB -- made it larger, for one thing -- and hence made it more unlikely that any one human mind can grasp its riches in their entirety.

Like LH, I suggest that you dip into it anywhere and savor what you find. Remember that Lincoln was once introduced with the statement that "no man has ever diven deeper into the well of learning" and he responded, "Or come up drier." MOAB is like that. Or maybe it's like something else entirely.

I would suggest simply selecting one section or another at random on any given day, and reading until you either can't laugh any more or you're getting bored or you see the sun rising in the East. Whichever comes first. A few weeks of that will bring you right up to date on the MOABS.

...so here's my dilemma. Having asked, as I did above (or below, depending on whether you're reading this forward or backward) whether or not it would be advisable for me to attempt to climb the veritable Mount Everest of posts that have been added to this thread since I last tried to keep up with it back in, ohhh... I don't know, September, and not getting any responses at all, should I construe that to mean that I should attempt the deed, or that I should avoid it like the plague (or something like it)?

I know no shame! I blatantly stole Rapaire's bit about P.R. being knocked up and used it over on the P.R. Announces Engagement thread. I am scum. I am lower than whale shit. I don't know what came over me. I apologize profusely.

Hear ye! Hear ye! I, King khandu, do hereby proclaim & ordain Lady Penelope Rutledge to be the Royal Wholesome Harpy of Righteous Etiquette (Royal WHORE). She is to be given honor worthy of her position & title!

It all interests me, from nano-technology to simpler things. The miracle of how it all works is totally interesting to me. The toilet is a mystery to me. How the water stays at the same level. Why you have to jiggle the handle sometimes and sometimes not.

Thus, Shatner, revealing the profundity of his actual anti-technical bent.

Now -- water seeks its own level naturally in response to the fact that it is a liquid under gravity with a stable molecular form. I mean, anybody except possibly Little Harg, and Penelope (coincidence? I don't think so!) knows that.

You only have to jiggle the handle when it leaks!! The reason is, if it doesn't leak, you don't NEED to jiggle the handle!! First law of engineering (if it ain't broke, don't fix it). I mean, this is baby steps. This is no star-fleet mystery!!

Wow! If I ever get a cell phone I'm sure as hell not gonna program any speed-dial numbers.

Shat makes some valid points there. Why can they make an automatic coffeemaker that will automatically do everything but drink the stuff for ya, but they can't make a carafe that will pour the coffee into your cup without makin' a friggin' mess?

Well, BWL, we know that at least she can pretend to be Brit with reasonable persuasion; so she is probably not Bobert. It is conceivable that in a fit of underhanded, passive-aggressive pique, the character of Penelope Rutledge wa sin fact created by William Shatner, deseperate to reassert his claim to public attention through covert means, employing the last dregs of his already inadequate talents.

All we need to do is to ask Joe Offer or Pene Azul to reveal the IP number from which Ms Rutledge's posts originate and all will be revealed.

Unless she posted under an even more fictitious name previously, her first post to the Forum was on 08/29/02. That means she is probably not Rapaire since his first post was on 11/02/02. It does not let any other regular Moabites off the hook.

She has posted 42 times as "Ms" and 3 times as "Ms." (with a period). This lack of consistency would seem to indicate that she is, in fact, a man since no woman liberated enough to use "Ms" is ever going to put a period after it.

I have received a Personal Message from none other than jOhn from Hull in which he states that Ms Penelope Rutledge is not khandu! Does this mean that jOhn9 personally knows the portrayer of Ms Rutledge? Or could it mean that jOhn9 himself is Ms Rutledge and that the drunken-sod-who-can't-spell-or-type-worth-a-shit is a fiction? Or does it merely mean that jOhn9 is full of shit and was yankin' my crank?

She has posted to the MOAB 14 times (roughly 1/3 of all her posts) which would seem to indicate that she either is a MOABite or has romantic leanings toward a MOABite or is so enthralled by the literary quality of posts to the MOAB that she just can't stay away. At any rate, it seems that any time her name is mentioned here she posts a response within a short while. Hmmm....

Tweed's obviously genuine distaste for the Ms Rutledge character would make it seem unlikely that he is her portrayer. It's almost impossible to create a character and not like him/her/it a little. Even Thomas Harris had to like Hannibal Lecter a liitle or he wouldn't have kept writing books about him.

In the final analysis, what we know for certain about Ms Penelope Rutledge is diddle-dee-shit.

Yas, liddle harque, I reallyam not Pentapoles Ragass. Her connection to the Khning iz lately been only fleeting at best and I beleve she now has the title of Picker of Lint from Royal Khnutsack, which I reckon iz a coveted posishun in Twillingsgate society. Them peeples ways ar a mystery to me though.

I applaud yore insensitiveness yore Magisty, you are Khing and we, the vaguely loyal subjecks ar but a motley collection obv lowsome ducks, knowers obv a few things, royal bottom wipers and directors ob enemas and stewards of the royal biddette.

I speek fer all whether they agree publickly or no, that to surfife, the Mother must have more decrees from the palatial shotgun shack. Put down that bucket Khnardzoz, and get bizzy afore we degenerate back to unintelligibble gibbering in pidjin French er Mexican er Klingon for ar amusement. You are Khning so ack like one or I will ax forgiveness and a boon from Queen Carol the CrapperQueen and she will depose yore sorry, pathetic, stopped-up ass.

I'm in Floribama. That's the part of Florida that is physically in Florida, but culturally in Alabama. It's sometimes also known as "L.A." for "Lower Alabama". The good-old-boy to old-hippie ratio is about 99/1 but they leave us alone and we just make our pots and play our music.

I had in mind something like Woodstock 1. A gathering of peace, love, and BS. Motherstock. MOABstock. MOABmont. Too many people, too few latrines or portapotties, lots of bad dope, days of rain and mud.

Well, my suggestion of Arches National Park was based solely on its proximity to Moab, Utah. I've never been there. In fact, the only place I've ever been in Utah is the Salt Lake City airport. But I should have known that it would be overrun with SUV's. Edward Abbey was bemoaning its slide toward industrial tourism back in the 60's when he wrote Desert Solitaire.

But if you wanna have it at something like a farm, I will gladly donate the use of my humble homestead. We have eight acres with access to 60 more acres behind us that nobody lives on. It's mostly uncleared woods, but we've made lots of paths through them so people can get lost wandering around behind the little animals. We have a one-acre pond with an island in the middle and banks that form a natural amphitheatre and it's wired for sound. All we'd have to do is build a stage and dig a couple of latrines (I don't think our indoor composting toilet could handle the crowd). Lotsa snakes and possums and armadillos wanderin' around at night to get in people's tents (I'm assuming camping is cool with everyone - no motels for many miles and you can't all stay in my little two-room cabin).