The world can't possibly exist. I mean, really. Think about all the crazy, random stuff in this world: shoes? The Eiffel Tower? Toaster pastries? Dogs? Bolivia? Hiccups? Chinese People?! Seriously. Think about how many different things there are. There are too many. It's ridiculous.

So, basically, I've decided that I don't believe in the world anymore. It's too vast.

But I'm still stuck here, at least until the hard drive melts down or whatever. So I'm glad you guys are here, too. Where's the fun in goldfish or hummus or Loch Ness if you don't have people with whom to share it all?

So, many of you probably know about the dumbassery that is California's recently-passed Proposition 8. Basically, now gays can't get married. In California. Where homosexuality was invented. This is edited to be a bit more funny than it was when I sent it to a lawyer.

At about midnight on November 4th, Election Day, three friends and I were removing âYes on 8â signs (AKA litter) from the center median on Bouquet Canyon road between Bouquet Canyon and Centurion Way. Just as we reached Centurion, I went out to the center divider and picked up a sign (we were separating the plastic part of the sign from the metal, and planning on recycling them). A man in a red car with McCain/Palin and âYes on 8â stickers jumped out of the car and chased me. I had no way of identifying him, and he was wearing street clothes, so I thought I was gonna fucking die at the hands of some crazy republican. My three friends had driven a little farther up the road and the man who stopped me finally showed me his police badge and said, âI am placing you under arrest for theft of a political sign.â I was confused, as I thought that things left on public property were considered âlitterâ and there were no laws against picking it up. Later I found out that this is definitely true. I told him that, and he said it was a crime and that I had to stay with him. I was never read my rights. He asked how old I was, and I said âeighteen.â He said âGreat! Youâll spend the night in jail.â Jerk.

Four girls walking by told me that he couldnât hold me and I should just walk away, and the man yelled at them to go away. They said they werenât going to leave a young girl with a man they didnât know (he never showed them his badge.) I asked them to stay for a few minutes. I called 911 because I didnât have the local police number, and they gave me the station number. I called the station and asked if it was legal for an off-duty police officer to arrest me for taking signs from the center divider in the road. He admitted that he honestly didnât know, but that officers are technically on duty 24/7 and that it was best for me to wait until other officers arrived. I told the girls who had stopped that they could leave. The off-duty officerâs wife was waiting in his car. Another off-duty officer pulled over and asked me what I did. I said that I took a âYes on 8â sign and he said âGood, you should go to jail.â because this town is full of republicans. He and his wife stayed for most of the rest of the scene. My friends called to find out what had happened to me, and I told them it was probably best for them to come back, which they did. The officer had us all sit on the curb while he lectured us for trying to be âcool.â We were very respectful and explained that it would be silly to take down signs to be âcool.â He asked why we did, and I said âWe had no idea it was illegal, we thought signs left on the street like that were considered litter.â We said this repeatedly to almost every officer present. I have since talked to a friend who said that he actually contacted the police station the day before and asked if it was legal to remove signs from public property. They told him that not only is it legal, it is illegal to put the signs up in the first place, so he would be doing the police a favor by removing signs from public property. Burrrrn.

About six police cars arrived (seriously. Six.), as well as several normal cars with either off-duty officers or just civilians. They went off to the side of the road and talked about how I âshould have gone to law schoolâ and they said they didnât âknow anyone who would ever take down a âNo on 8â sign.â which is bullshit, because all the No on 8 signs go missing almost immediately. My friends had parked in a church parking lot, the closest place to park, and the off-duty officers and their wives talked about the âirony.â Deputy N. Simon arrived and asked us some questions (our ages, where our ID was, et cetera.) Deputy Simon, who is considered the arresting officer, asked me to sit in the back of her car, saying that she was going to book me, but not take me down to the station. She was awesome, but I don't think she knew why she was arresting me. The officer who had jumped out of his car to stop me kept asking questions and telling Deputy Simon about âtheft of political signâ laws, but she said she could find no record of a special law regarding political signs in her book. He claimed to be the one who put the signs up on Bouquet. My friends were released because he had only seen me taking a sign down (damn). Another officer told Deputy Simon that for some reason she was going to have to âhard-bookâ me and take me down to the station (I donât remember the reason.) She realized that he was right and told me it would only take a few hours (awesome!). The officer put me in handcuffs and warned me that if I moved around, they would tighten. I still was not read my rights. I guess they forgot, but I wasn't going to do anyone any favors!

Deputy Simon put my seat belt on, and I asked if this would be a black mark on my record. She said it was probably a misdemeanor and that it would go on my record, but practically disappear later. The rest of the ride I just asked questions about how long she had been an officer and what her shifts are usually like. She was very polite and I told her I had no idea it was illegal to take a sign from a center divider. She said âYou know what? I actually believe that.â She also said that if she thought I was really some sort of criminal she wouldnât be talking to me. We got to the station and Deputy Simon took me inside. One of the officers asked âWhich signs were you taking?â I said âThe Yes ones,â and he joked, âYep, thatâs a felony!â Once again, everyone in this city is a republican. Except the cool people.

I was taken to a room that was connected to the office and I sat there for a while, waiting for Deputy Simon to finish some paperwork. I was charged with â484(a) P.C. Petty Theftâ at 00:30. My property included my shoes, belt, a purple pen, a cell phone, a mini tape dispenser and a mini stapler, my class ring, and $2. That's pretty serious right there. Bail was $1000, but I was only there for about four hours. I signed all of the papers I was given, and Deputy Simon took ink fingerprints. I was allowed to use my cell phone for a few minutes instead of using the jail phone.

I sat in the room for a while and talked with the different officers. Deputy Simon said she was going âout in the fieldâ for an hour or so while waiting for my paperwork to be completed (which took foreeeever). A lot of officers were surprised I was being held there for just picking up some signs. One of them asked if I had taken signs from private property, and I said âNo, I would never do that. We were taking them from the center dividers of the road.â I heard him whisper to another officer âCan you keep her here for that?â A few hours later, an officer walked by and said, âYouâre still here?â I said âI guess so!â and he shook his head and walked away. I asked almost everyone who passed by if they knew if or why it was illegal to remove a political sign from public property, and none of them were able to give me a proper answer. I told the desk officer (who mentioned that he is normally âout in the fieldâ that I thought the signs were considered litter. He said I was probably right. The desk officer then took me to use the restroom and an inmate worker brought me a cup of water. I had a cut on my foot from something that had happened a few days earlier, and because I was barefoot, I asked for a band-aid to keep the cut from getting dirty. He said he didnât usually work there and he couldnât find any, but within the next hour he found one by asking the secretary.

My paperwork was eventually finished, and someone called Deputy Simon so she could come back. A while after she returned, she and the male officer who had been at the desk took me to the back for fingerprint scanning. They both had a lot of trouble working the machine, so I was helping them because I (of course) have a knack for computers. We had to do all the scans twice, because the first time they chose the wrong kind of prints (identification instead of criminal.) But it was hilarious and wer were laughing the whole time. Deputy Simon said âThis is nice doing this on you, because Iâve had to do this with some nasty people.â They took photographs and Deputy Simon said, âDo you want to know my honest opinion? I donât think this is going to go anywhere. Theyâre going to take one look at this and throw the whole thing out.â I was given my property and finally allowed to leave with my friends, who had come to take me home. I got home at about 5 am.

So I had a pretty interesting week. Then later that day I got a speeding ticket. Whaaat.