mirage. embodiment of a faraway feeling. ethereal. magic. longing. desperation. void in a voice. void in a connection. a connection about slow failure. a connection of ultimate longing. endless, never reaching manzil. a breath taking view but also lungs constricting, tear inducing. sob in the pillow, drink down the scream. so tough. so lonely. so unloving. temporary peace. temporary laughter. temporary butterflies. hand out. reach out. get out.

It still means a cold hard blow
cold hard blow on the heart
like someone hammers it into pieces
while looking sideways
you’re so hurt yourself, you say
it was never intentional to reach
here. this
now
is our collective mistake. or something from the universe
if only you could stop right now
if only you could go back in time
one last time back in time one last —
you’d do it again.

I mean, that’s a lot. I just saw this notification and felt compelled to write a post. How much I have changed in these years and so has this blog and my relation with it. The PEOPLE, most of all. They were all such stories.

I don’t know, it was different back then of course. My current state is somewhat like my last post. My current hobbies are different than the old ones. Today I talked with a friend and after so long felt so free to speak whatever I had in mind, zero filters. I really needed that. It felt liberating even when I was being so vulnerably weak-ish. It is important, I guess, to have someone listen.

She was very surprised to hear that I don’t read books anymore. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel that bad to me. I’ve accepted it. I can’t.

I wrote a darkish story after a long long while and I’m so glad I did. I had stopped doing that COMPLETELY after two ridiculous comments. That was liberating too.

Today I really wanted to write. I would have, but I lost inspo somewhere in between. But it would have kinda only been an effort to go back to this place in my mind so I’ll just read it and leave you with a link:

Some evenings are so breathtakingly stunning you don’t want them to end. Ever. And as everyone else is packing their stuff back in the car while some are already reserving their seats — so ready to return to their homes — you run back to the sea and the sky and the sand asking for one more infinite minute. That is your home.