Separately, the names Perez Hilton and Katie Hopkins are toxic enough to require a hazmat suit, so it’s sort of a no brainer that that the high-brow geniuses at Channel 5 thought that chucking them together into the ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother House was all we’ve ever hoped and dreamed of.

Katie, of course, is best known for being the UK’s punishment for allowing The Apprentice to happen. She is the adult female version of a 2002 internet forum. Remember forums? The things once used for something other than increasingly desperate cries for Vodafone technical support?

Perez on the other hand, is basically the human version of this website. That is if this website simply posted pictures of famous people with Microsoft Paint jizz coming out of their mouths, called everyone cunts, outed a bunch of celebrities, posted a lot of self-promotional news and directed you to merch wishing that mentally ill people would have died instead of troubled movie stars.

Unlike Perez, LA-Deli is (at the very least) dedicated to bringing you hot new music from breakthrough artists like the unforgettable Three Beat Slide.

Basically Perez and Katie are the two proudest people in the world of how inhumanely awful they are and arewalking examples of the liberal abuse of free-speech. Accordingly it makes 100% sense they’d be put together in an awful house on the worst television channel (Yes, worse than that one that only shows dodgy Irish country music) for the viewing pleasure of, I’m sure, the most interesting people at any watercooler.

You’d think that because Perez and Katie are two parts of the horsemen of the apocalypse that they’d get on swimmingly! Festering in their own putrid shit and inhaling the heady depths of each others massively important opinions about everything. But alas, the great ego required to be the most attention-whoring of trolls of the universe has prevented both parties from uniting in an unholy partnership to serve their Kardashian overlord.

Katie and Perez have been at it like two gay weiner dogs since they entered the house, and – in troubling news for Perez – his relentlessly exhausting general existence has played strongly in Katie’s favour.

When Perez spent the day wandering around in his just his pants (shudder), Katie, being the shrinking violet that she is, remarked that he had more “back fat than a blue whale”. Perez responded expectedly unfavourably – pushing Katie to counter that he should “man up“.

It was roughly at this stage that Perez dipped into his big bag of fuckery and pulled out the sparkly-ass homophobic card, a move that went down not so well with the other celebs. Those poor, poor nobodies. Vague shells of human beings at this stage whom, I’d imagine, are asking themselves which basket of adorable kittens they set ablaze to deserve this punishment.

All I can say is BRAVO to Channel 5 for making me remember they are still a network. BRAVO to Jordan for actually making herself appear relevant by surrounding herself with the only human beings in the universe less relevant than she is. And BRAVO to Perez Hilton, for doing the impossible and making Katie Hopkins look positively tolerable next to him. I mean, she’s not tolerable of course, but he’s just the absolute fucking worst.

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As we’ve already documented, Hollywood is full of greedy hos and those greedy hos will do anything to make a dollar. This includes splitting the shortest and weakest installment of The Hunger Games trilogy into episodic installments. Still, Mockingjay – Part One overcame the adversity of much cooler critical response to become the biggest film of 2014 today.

With just shy of $332 Million in the bank, Mockingjay just eked past The Guardians of the Galaxy to be the top grossing film of the year. As Catching Fire was last year’s biggest picture, this means that the HG franchise stands a good chance of three-peating it’s reign as the #1 films of the year if Mockingjay – Part Two can push over the $400 Million mark this year.

Of course, these are only domestic gross figures. Internationally, 2013 was Frozen’s to own. This year’s global chart will see Mockingjay end up as only the third or fourth largest pic of the year, depending on it’s results from the upcoming key China release. Japan is unlikely to contribute much, but with a holiday release in it’s favour, the pic could gross over $50 Million from China alone.

Still, Disney is unlikely to be crying about it. Frozen continued to gross well into 2014 with multiple theatrical re-releases and a record-breaking run on DVD with a soundtrack that became the biggest music release of the year. They also knocked it out of the park with the perfectly marketed breakout Maleficient (sealing the deal for Angie as a screen icon) and Marvel proved its acquisition value again with a double whammy with Captain America: Winter Soldier and Guardians of the Galaxy. With Big Hero 6 performing admirably and Into the Woods still climbing, Disney has had another stellar year.

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Now that we know an Alias reunion is a possibility, let’s sell this shit to executives since Bradley Cooper is a bankable movie star now. I’m not sure if Bradley Cooper would ask for second billing but bitch you need to remember you are, and always will be Will Tippin. You’re Jennifer Garner’s backup bitch, so don’t get all Oscar nominee on me for this shit, we need you humble and willing to take off your shirt, Bradley.

Humble is not what the box office gross for his new Oscar nommed pic “American Sniper” was on Friday. Sniper blew all expectations out of the water with a huge $30.5 million Friday total – which broke a bunch of January records (read: all of them) and also blew director Clint Eastwood’s’ previous entire weekend records out of the water.

The industry had expected a $50 Million four day bow for Sniper which has, in turn, duly jizzed money all over the industry’s face. The film ended up making over $105 Million over the four day weekend and $89 Million over the three day. That is, by a significant margin, January’s biggest release ever.

This will come as welcome news to the movie studio executives who’d expressed concern during recent research which showed the huge dip in box office grosses is due to it being too fucking expensive, though 10% of polled audiences said “the taste of Harvey Weinstein’s sweaty balls in my soda” was a limiting factor for their attendance too.

I’m happy not just for Bradley Cooper, but for that birds nest of vagina known as Sienna Miller, who also got top billing for the film. As much as you bitches are going to roll your eyes in my general direction, Sienna Miller is an underrated actress. She’s like the super less annoying and infinitely less frigid cousin of Gwyneth Paltrow to me.

Elsewhere in the box office chaattttts, noted not gay person(don’t worry son, we don’t want you)Kevin Hart scored another hit, with his new piece of shit The Wedding Ringer which is due to make around $20 Million over the three day weekend.

According to critics, Paddington is the best film of 2014 tied with Boyhood, so that tiny adorable little mess is going to be hovering around $20 Million for the weekend too. When i saw the trailer for Paddington and saw Nicole Kidman’s campy ass frostface and hair I thought this shit was going to be a grade A trainwreck, but I guess Nicole wanted to try something fresh by not starring in an utterly appalling waste of celluloid for once. Well played, Nicole – it’s been a while. But if they are going to make movies about messy bears who can’t keep their shit together and like to wear latex hats, then when are they going to do a film about John Travolta?

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Finally TMZ’s disgusting photographers are finally good for something other than helping me maintain the staff office chart of Britney’s favourite frapps.

The paps caught Jennifer Garner, Victor Garber and J.J Abrams meeting up for dinner in L.A last night. You might also know these three as Sydney Bristow, Jack Bristow and the dude who made Jack and Sydney Bristow. I prefer to call them The Holy Trinity of Television.

Anyway having dinner individually is really not that big of a deal, but these three having dinner together sends off a CODE RED WIG alarm at the FFAR (Fans For Alias Reboot) headquarters. If that shit went down i’d hope it wouldn’t be as bad as that messy “24” reboot. An Alias reunion would mark the end of my life on this planet because as soon as that shit is done I would have no reason to live, and/or any hopes or dreams to follow any more.

Apparently, when a TMZ ratface asked JJ if Sydney Bristow would be coming back he replied with only

“Haha, You’ll have to ask Jen!”

And then they all got in the same car and drove off to whatever dark voodoo arts place they have to toy with all of my emotions and general mental well being.

If Lena Olin and Bradley Cooper had attended, well, let’s not because I’m not feeling so great and I’m scared incase I give myself a heart condition so.

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Because the snowy hills of Aspen are only a seasonal dalliance for Empress of the Butterflies Mariah Carey, she has to find something to do with her time for the rest of the year. For a while, visiting the HSN to sell moments was enough for Mimi. And then, murdering some classics on live TV worked for her, but Mimi has heard the beacon call of a million emperor butterflies suddenly flocking towards a desert oasis and she must heed their calls as their iconic leader.

Mimz revealed to Ellen that she is going to do a residency in Caesars Palace with all the glee of someone who just realized they are going to take a six hour car journey with an IBS sufferer.

Glamour moments abound. High slit dresses totally appropriate here. Vegas is effectively what Mariah Carey was made for as it allows her to do two of her favourite things in the world. Make a ludicrous amount of money and look like a 12 year olds glitter glue painting of an adult female whilst she does so.

Mimi is expected to at least match Celine and Britney’s huge $475k-per-gig payday for her stint at Caesars Palace, where she’s due to take over from on hiatus Celine and departing Shania.

I hope Caesars know what they’ve let themselves in for. Celine may have demanded saline drip nasal solution and room humidifiers, but Mariah will insist on her entire dressing room complex being decked out to be an indoor jungle botantical garden filled with the rarest butterflies from every corner of the globe. Where Celine might have asked for white flowers, Mariah will ask for fresh lillies flown in from the pristine jungles of the Seychelles every morning via hot air balloon so they smell like money.

The behind the scenes DVD of this show is already going to be all that the gay community have ever wished for in life and that is factual.

In other news, noted dress wearer and actress Jennifer Lopez Featuring is continuing to hover around a deal for The Axis at Planet Hollywood where she looks to take over when Brit Brit wraps her legs around a KFC family bucket and shoots off into the horizon later this year. Mimi remains unbothered.

Out of all of those new wave Vegas hos, Brit has made Planet Hollywood $38 Million in only one year, Shania made Caesar’s $43 Million over three years, Cher made them $97 Million over four years, Elton John scored $140 Million over like a million years, Celine has made them over $540 Million over six years, so Celine wins everything… as usual.

Mariah will probably give Celine a strong run for her money because of gays and butterflies. Did you know that behind gay men, butterflies are the second most active consumer spenders at concerts and events? The more you learn….

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She took a break from her hectic schedule of not winning awards and not being nominated for awards to tell her embryonic mother known as the media that she’s totally 100% not mad at Angelina Jolie.

As they had to sit in the same giant ass room a few nights ago to clap slowly at all the awards they didn’t win, the media basically treated it measured and proportionately (read: as a bigger deal than the fall of the Berlin Wall) and I guess Jennifer must have woke up to a call from her therapist asking how that made her feeeeeel because she turned her incredible personal and private diary known as Entertainment Tonight to address the situation.

“It’s just tiresome and old, It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes. I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do,” Aniston said. “I mean, that movie is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty BS and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness.”

Seriously though, does Jennifer Aniston 100% fully understand what she’s asking for here? Like, without the fact that Angelina Jolie stole her man to drop out there every few months, how the fuck is girlfriend going to rile up enough public sympathy to convince people to see any of her shitty movies?

Does she understand that if she doesn’t continue to hate Angelina Jolie that the world will spin wildly off its axis, leaving us to die a horrible, painful death as was foretold in the prophecy? And does she fully grasp that if she stops hating Angelina Jolie that we will all have to see heavily photoshopped images of a Taylor Swift and Katy Perry feud on the front of magazines instead?

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LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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