Monday's Edge: A procrastinator's gift-buying guide

Every year, we provide a free (well, free if you found this on the bus, but not if you actually paid for it) service by providing some last-minute Christmas gift ideas for the person — OK, let's be honest, the guy — who just realized what this coming Thursday is.

Herewith, a few tips:

1. If you simply must go to the mall, do so during less busy hours. We're thinking midnight-6 a.m.

2. Do everything you can to avoid the "this card good for one free back rub" approach to gift-giving. Let's be real here: You were just too cheap and/or forgetful to buy a gift, and it will be a cold July day in Phoenix before you ever give that back rub, won't it?

3. Gift cards are a bit impersonal, but giving someone the remaining balance on a gift card you received the previous Christmas is considered less than ideal form.

4. Gift wrap can make up for a lack of effort in the gift-buying department. Of course, if your idea of wrapping a gift is stapling the top of a grocery bag, you might want to hit up a more creative friend and bribe them with some Christmas spirits, or try the mall at some time other than midnight-6 a.m., in which case you'll need those Christmas spirits and then some for yourself.

5. A thoughtfully chosen card with some heartfelt sentiments from you written inside in lieu of a gift will be about as well received as a text saying, "This is your present; live with it."

6. Do not sell your grandfather's watch to buy your wife a new brush for her beautiful hair. Trust us, it's not a good idea.

7. As tasty as it is, Jell-O salad is not a good gift to send cross-country to the aunt who always sends you rock-hard fruitcake, even if it feels like a case of just desserts.

8. Car deodorizers come in dozens and dozens of scents. Despite that, they still don't make a good Christmas present, even if we do have a mini-forest in our car between those and the mushrooms in the floor mats.

9. Wine and beer can make appropriate gifts, but not if they're your favorite labels and your spouse hasn't had a drink since she turned 21.

10. If your mixer/blender/toaster suddenly goes belly-up, replacing it as your present to your spouse is a bad idea, especially since you know she already spent a bundle on you.

11. On the other hand, replacing a major appliance that goes kaput is a perfectly legitimate gift, provided the two of you discuss it in advance. And no, that does not mean that shorting the washing machine because you're out of time/ideas is acceptable holiday behavior.

12. Christmas-themed gifts (sweaters, singing decorations, etc.) are a questionable choice, given that there will no time to enjoy them until the NEXT holiday season. And in the case of signing decorations, we use the word "enjoy" loosely.

13. Despite what Cousin Eddie said in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," membership in the Jelly of the Month Club is not actually "the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year."