Do Men Only Want Sex?

Jackie Summers has a few things to say about men, lust and sex.

As a relationship writer, the #1 Google search that leads people to my blog is: do men only want sex?

The answer (yes) seems too obvious to warrant an entire essay. So I check the #2 Google search leading to my blog: do men only want one thing?

No. Usually we want at least two, maybe three things, depending on how freaky you are. And then, we’d like a sandwich, please.

All kidding aside, all men go through a period when all they want is sex. For some men, this period is called “adulthood.”

I refuse to defend this. Who am I to argue with millions of years of behavioral programming?

According to Kinsey, 54% of men think about sex several times a day, and that study was done before the advent of the internet. Personally I find this statement grossly underestimated. In the time it takes for me to formulate this sentence, I myself will have conceived of no less than seven scandalous scenarios, fondly recalling recent raucous romps and fantasizing over future salacious shenanigans; a veritable cavalcade of carnal cravings, a… wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yes: sex. Of course we want it all the time, and (news flash) so do women. The idea that men only want sex and women only want love is an antiquated concept I’d love to see go the way of the dodo. We’d like to think we’ve evolved beyond base desires, but let’s not kid ourselves. We’re not humans trying to embrace our animal nature. We are animals, trying to embrace our human nature.

And that, with limited success.

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I have a good (female) friend who’s a biologist, who makes a compelling argument for the evolutionary directive behind our seemingly genetic imperative to love, and be loved in return. Human babies take longer to wean and bring to maturity than any other mammal. It takes us longer to learn how to walk, talk, and fend for ourselves than any creature on earth. Love creates a bond between partners that gives them a reason to remain together, post coitus. A parental or family unit has a much greater chance as seeing it’s progeny survive to adulthood.

The problem is, sex is comparatively easy to come by, whereas love, real love, is hard to find, and even harder to sustain. Sex, in it’s many wondrous forms, is singularly the most pleasurable act a man and woman (or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or a man and woman and another woman) can engage in. Love however, is frequently accompanied by pain. Despite this, most men at some point will realize that, as overpowering as the urge to pass on your genetic material may be, sex, in and of itself, is insufficient.

Because ultimately sex is about more than just biology. An endless stream of new sexual partners will (eventually) get boring, and it won’t make you a better lover. It’s far more challenging, and more satisfying, to attempt to seduce one woman, night after night, than a different woman every night. No matter how strong primal urges issuing forth out of our limbic back-brains are, it is our enlarged frontal lobes that put us on top of the evolutionary food chain. Our capacity for reason reminds us there is more to life than satisfying animal instincts, more than preserving your bloodline by trying to inseminate as many females as possible. Life is growth and growth is change and we’re evolving, albeit at a glacier’s pace. We may struggle with our bestial natures, but we are men.

And we are trying to embrace our human nature.

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Unfortunately there is no mystical, sexual bodhi tree you can sit under until you are struck by epiphany; each man has his own unique path to enlightenment. Usually this comes after a man has done “enough” fucking around, and gotten the desire to cross-pollenate like a lawn sprinkler in summertime, out of his system. Just how much fucking this takes varies from man to man, and some men obviously never reach this plateau. For those who have indulged their passions, arrant lust gives way to something that is beyond understanding, beyond reason: the desire to overcome many is replaced, by the desire to be overcome, by one.

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Brett

5 years 21 days ago

As a guy who doesn’t want sex I thought I would raise my hand and say hi. We do exist and I have been hoping we would have some articles about us on GMP. All the articles about men who don’t want sex havev the underlying assumption that something has gone wrong in the relationship and that it can be fixed. Yet I’m single and don’t want it. What I want is a female compainion more than anything or a woman who only wants sex rarely but is happe to do the relationship stuff. You would think that women like… Read more »

I agree with you – our modern society now encourages women to speak up and express more of their sexuality. And that men do not only want one thing – Men only want one woman who can give them a lot of things. And love is an act of unlimited giving. Though I’m no man, I think all in all men are more similar to women than they are different. I think I can put myself in a guy’s shoes and then act accordingly to my own manly fantasies.

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Ryan

5 years 1 month ago

If you want to meaningfully discuss the biology of the difference between sex and love, I think you can’t forget to include a discussion of our closest genetic cousin, the bonobo chimpanzee, that peaceful, pansexual ape who has lots of sex and even more love.

I think both men and females should enjoy themselves, explore bodies. Sex can complicate things, if you let it. I’ve met men who fall faster than women and vice versa. Just be careful because diseases do exist, sadly.

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elissa

5 years 1 month ago

I think you’re looking for the term “reciprocal altruism”. I also think you’ve placed the cart before the horse in a sense – sharing is not a necessity for sex, but the type of sexual dimorphism humans tend to employ is best developed and exploited in a context of reciprocal altruism.

Here’s my question: why do so many authors on this site seem to think that, by rehtorically rooting their explanations for human behavior in the biological, such explanations become unassailable? First of all, Jackie, “love” and “sex” in many cultures are treated as functionally equal. The whole romantic notion of love is a very recent creation in human culture and not some sort of biological imperative. If you want a biological imperative to hang your theory on, here’s one: humans seem to be programmed to believe that sharing substances means intimacy. Sex, of course, is probably the best way to… Read more »

I love fucking, making love, etc., but It gets boring and frustrating being with a guy whose just goes with his dick, and doesn’t have an open heart.

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Aya

5 years 1 month ago

Thanks for a great article and thanks for including that many women think about sex a lot of the time too. I think if you’re absolutely right that most people go through various phases of wanting just sex, lusting, and being ready for serious relationships. For some people, it might take a lot longer than others for it ‘leave their system,’ and for some, it never does. You can’t try and repress lust in young men or women. That would just make it worse or lead to generations of bitter people who wonder ‘what if’ or make rash decisions later… Read more »

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Eric M.

5 years 1 month ago

Aya,

RE: “As long as you don’t judge others who choose different lifestyles”, while I don’t “judge” (I don’t think), I do have my personal preferences and beliefs. I’m not going to insult or demean anyone for having different views or making different choices, but I may very well personally disagree with their lifestyle or choices.

You and I may see things differently, and that’s OK.

I hope the sammich was good!

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Peter

5 years 1 month ago

Brilliant piece Jackie. Brilliant. The day a man find the woman he love more than getting in her pants. He know his life has changed chapters. And parterns. But come to think of it. If the Sandwich making ability is just as unique as the womans sexing ability. Put a ring on it bro.

Do men only want sex? Sometimes, I’m sure the answer is yes. Maybe it’s yes all the time for some men. And the EXACT SAME is true for women. Right now, I “only” want sex (actually, the phrase should be “want ONLY sex”. If you ONLY want sex, that means you don’t want food, sleep, intellectual stimulation, oxygen, sandwiches, your dog, or anything else. You ONLY want sex, to the exclusion of everything else). Anyway, I want only sex (as opposed to a long-term pair-bonded monogamous relationship). BUT I am only interested in sex with someone I can relate to… Read more »

Pendragon, thank you for sharing your perspective. I think as long as people approach each other with honesty and clarity, we can continue to make progress as a species. Whoever you are choosing to extend your affections to is clearly a very fortunate man.

JFB

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Tom Matlack

5 years 1 month ago

Dude I found myself laughing out loud reading this thing. Just what I needed on a Friday afternoon after a long day of travel before heading into yet another social obligation with the love of my life. ” or a man and woman and another woman” … you had to put that in there didn’t ya? LOL. My only experience with that kind of thing at the ripe old age of 21 did not start or end well and nothing much happened in between. On a more serious note. I like the idea about biology driving our lust and our… Read more »

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MAB

5 years 1 month ago

“Yes my wife is gorgeous and I want her physically (sorry honey but it’s true).” But isn’t she brilliant, isn’t she strong, isn’t she a good provider, isn’t she a leader? Stop just talking about your wife’s looks. And tell us her name. Stop treating her like a piece of property. “But in the end it’s holding her through the night and the bond of being man and wife” MAN AND WIFE??????????????????? MAN AND WIFE???????????????????????????????????? That phase makes me vomit. It is so old fashioned and male chauvinistic. When are you going to talk about her holding you thought the… Read more »

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Tom Matlack

5 years 1 month ago

Kathy, MAB, Marie: Really? Okay I am sorry if I offended you in any way. But jez, I just don’t get why my comment on Jackie’s article causes you to unleash such a torment of anger towards me. Yes I truly didn’t think about “man and wife” before using it. I just as often use husband and wife or man and woman. I suppose the language shows my own ignorance. But I also just think the ideas matter, the context matters, the intent matters. If you have read me at all you know I am a feminist, that I have… Read more »

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Jill

5 years 1 month ago

I can’t get that excited about the “man and wife” thing. The word “wife” actually comes from the Old English word for “woman” (“wif”), or so I recall from a college English class on Beowulf and Anglo-Saxon Literature. You are my wife, you are my woman, it meant the same thing. It’s equally patriarchal from that perspective. In Spanish, “hombre y mujer” means either man and woman or husband and wife depending on context. I don’t think Spanish speaking cultures are less sexist than ours. In fact, from traveling in Spain and Latin America, I’d say they are significantly more… Read more »

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Jill

5 years 1 month ago

Anyway, my point is that being offended by words is often kind of pointless (unless they are intentionally offensive, obviously, like racial epithets)

Kathy, the same applies to you. Whatever battles you are fighting, this is not the place. Please see the clearly stated rules for commenting. If you’re unwilling to follow them, you’ll be banned, permanently.

JFB

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Marie

5 years 1 month ago

Tom, “man and wife” is such a male chauvinistic phrase. Stop using it. I regurgitated when you said “man and wife.” Whenever you talk about your spouse, you always mention her looks first. Stop doing that, Tom. I want to hear your spouse’s first and last name (I hope is it NOT Matlock.) I want to hear about her career. (Of course, I want her to make more money than you.) I want to hear about how she don’t take any crap from you,. I want to hear about her strength, her intellect, her feminist activism. I want to hear… Read more »

Marie, The Good Men Project is not your personal battleground. if you can’t be civil to commenters, I’ll make certain you’re banned, permanently.

JFB

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The Bad Man

5 years 1 month ago

I think this a bad stereotype that men only want sex and they want it all the time. I think it has a lot to do with maturity, as it appears that younger men are very motivated by sex and think of it often. As you grow older, things balance out and sex is no longer a primary motivation. No, I’m not THAT old, I’m only 40 but I don’t think about sex regularly.

I’ll make my own sandwich, she can mow the lawn.

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alice

5 years 1 month ago

I don’t know about that..I know guys over 40 who aren’t much different from younger ones.

Agreed Bad Man, the stereotype is so bombastic, the only way to address it is with overt sarcasm. You’re right; maturity plays a part and everyone takes a different path to maturity. The important thing is that you get there, and enter into relationships with the ability and desire to be fully present.

JFB

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Gertie

5 years 1 month ago

Obviously men don’t literally only want sex. Sometimes they get bored during sex and go off and do something else. Sometimes they stop during sex because they can’t go on anymore. Sometimes they say no the chance to have sex because they would rather do something else. Yeah, maybe they’d rather be having sex with someone else and not me, but logically that means they don’t ONLY want sex. Maybe men only want “good sex” or only want to get off, but that’s not the same as only wanting sex. Maybe the answer has to be qualified?

Really good post Jackie. I agree that it seems a lot of the most well adjusted men are those who were able to do a lot of f*cking around when they were young. Most do get sick of it after awhile and realize they want something more, and then have no problem settling down afterward. Many men who’ve never been through this phase get married young, have only ever been with their wives and maybe a few other women, then spend their lives wondering “what if” and have a meltdown at midlife and want to try to make up for… Read more »

Marie, nothing in this essay is speaking of abuse. Perhaps you’ve the wrong post?

JFB

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wellokaythen

5 years 1 month ago

Do men only want sex?

Even if the only answer to the question is yes, it could be that sex is actually a means to an end and not the goal itself. Maybe we only want sex because we think of sex as the only way to get ____, which is deep down what we really want….

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LF

5 years 1 month ago

Yeah. My theory is that because men have been conditioned to shut down most of their emotions throughout history, which is the only way they could go to war and work in horrible jobs and all the other things men were expected to do, they often channel their other emotions into sex. Sex is one of the few ways men have been permitted to express themselves, so I imagine that sex often pinch hits for other emotions the man might want to express but doesn’t know how. This isn’t true of women, so women enjoy sex for what it is… Read more »

Actually Julie I’m a helluva cook, and there are few things I love more than fixing a meal for a loved one. But I am 100% on board with you about sexual equality. I’ve written extensively about getting rid of outdated social memes; may we all move forward to a place where we are seen and respected for who we are and slough useless “isms” like a cicada’s dead skin.

Seriously, though. I have no issue with men and women both wanting to hop on each other like bunnies in the spring. What I’d like to see is more equity then for women who do. Don’t treat us badly for doing it, since it’s apparently what you all want too. Not you as in Jackie, but you as in “men.” Cause there is still stigma against that sexual freedom for women, (purity balls, anyone? Gross.)

And both parties should make good sandwiches for each other.

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Eric M

5 years 1 month ago

My wife and I have a deal: She makes the sandwiches. But, I cut the grass, do all home maintenance, all car maintenance, most of the cleaning, 1/3 of the grocery shopping, did 100% of baby bathing, 100% of overnight diaper changing, 100% reading of bedtime stories, do 100% of outside play, and make 100% of the money. She gets to live in a large house on a large wooded lot with the one of the best school systems in tne country, and does pretty much whatever the heck she wants. She’s supersmart and could be at a job right… Read more »

Marie, again, to quote what I wrote above: “Nothing against women with dozens of sex partners but that wasn’t my thing prior to marriage. . .”

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Marie

5 years 1 month ago

Eric M, if your spouse makes 0% of the money, she is not getting a good deal. BTW, tell us about all the housework and childcare she does.

If the man makes 100% of the money, he is the dominator and that is not a good thing.

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Eric M.

5 years 1 month ago

Marie, I said this: “She’s supersmart and could be at a job right now but prefers to be at brunch, which is where she is.” To simplify what I thought was obvious: she “earns” 0% of the money but spends as much as she wants. Her needs and wants (and the kids) come before mine. She has worked in the past, and can work if she wants but prefers not to. It’s her choice. She cooks, does laundry, and about 2/3 of the grocery shopping. I do the rest. If you don’t think that’s fair, be sure to not live… Read more »

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LF

5 years 1 month ago

Yeah, I agree. But in keeping with what I wrote below, even though I haven’t had dozens of sex partners by a long shot and it’s not my thing, whether I would marry a guy who had depends on a lot of factors. If the only reason he didn’t have a lot of sex partners was because he didn’t want them, great. But if he wanted them and had trouble getting women to accept his advances, and his sex life was frustrating through his young adult life, I’d see that as a red flag, and a sign that he might… Read more »

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Eric M

5 years 1 month ago

Much of that is solved by gettimg to know the person extremely well.

To each his/her own. For me, I simply didnt want and was not going to accept a woman with anything near that kind of history. Not judging anyone. Just my personal requirement.

Seriously, though. I have no issue with men and women both wanting to fuck like bunnies in the spring. What I’d like to see is more equity then for women who do. Don’t treat us badly for doing it, since it’s apparently what you all want too. Not you as in Jackie, but you as in “men.” Cause there is still stigma against that sexual freedom for women, (purity balls, anyone? Gross. http://bitchmagazine.org/post/preachers-daughter-sexual-violence-and-discourses-of-purity).

Exactly. And let’s not forget about other thigns. The media drags us around by our genitals, trying to sell everything by appealing to our sex drives and women’s insecurities in one pass. So we are being dragged by our genitals and not our minds. Just as well, there is also an element of virgin shaming for us men. YOu are considered unexperienced, meek, and undesirable if there hasn’t already been someone else willing to sleep with you. And like slut-shaming, virgin-shaming is largely pushed by our OWN genders. But by being sexually related, we often feel these pressures come from… Read more »

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Web

4 years 8 months ago

One more bit as well:

Women are pressured into being non-sexual. Men are pressured into being sexual. Think about which one is more potentially damaging. But then look at which issue is getting more attention.

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Copyleft

5 years 1 month ago

Fine by me, Julie. What the world needs is lot less fighting and lot more f***ing.

“Do men only want sex?” Of course not–we want AT LEAST sex, and preferably a whole lot more.\