“My socks are wonky!!!!” (and other epic meltdowns)

Here is my list of the top 10 game changing events that have recently sent our youngest in to epic meltdowns (though not all in one day thankfully!):

1. When she took a bite out of her ham and cheese toastie and the whole slice of ham slid out.

This happened at soft play last week, so we were already in a pretty unbearable environment to begin with. Then the ham-slip happened. The first time it caused a bit of a scene – vast amounts of whining and the like. I promptly took care of things, slipped the ham back in it’s rightful greasy place between the slices of bread and rebuilt her lunch with the precision and care of a brain surgeon. But when it happened again during the very next bite she’d clearly reached the end of her exceedingly short tether. So, with one end of ham clamped between teeth and the rest flopped firmly down over her chin, complete with rubberised cheesy stalactites, the tears and wailing began. Usually, when your child starts up like this it tends to draw a lot of attention to you as a parent. How will she handle it? Who’s in control here? However, we were in a giant metal box full of crying children. Perfect and not at all stressful.

2. When the heel of her sock was not perfectly in place over the heel of her foot.

And I mean PERFECTLY. Don’t get me wrong, nobody likes a twisted sock, it can ruin one’s day if not attended to early on! But seriously, I shifted that sock around millimetre by millimetre and just could not get it in the right place. Mummy fail. The only thing that can help in these situations is a biscuit. And a glass of wine.

3. When I try and join in with ANY songs that are being sung.

Now this is unfair. Yes, I’ve had enough of listening to Let it Go, but if we HAVE to have it on, then at least let me join in with singing it! It’s the only way to make it bearable!! Air grabs and icy swipes are mandatory OBVS.

4. When a tiny speck of broccoli is found on a neighbouring carrot. Disgusting.

On the other hand when mum rectifies this by licking any trace of broccoli off the carrots before handing the carrot back for child to eat, it is totally not disgusting. Broccoli? No way. Mum slobber? Absolutely fine with that.

5. When her Weetabix has gone all soggy.

“That may have something to do with the fact that I placed it in front of you 10 minutes ago and you haven’t yet begun to eat it. What have you been doing?! But yes it has gone rather sloppy. I’ll get a fresh one..”

6. When her Weetabix is too crunchy.

“Leave it to soak up the milk for a few minutes, then it will be fine.” – See No. 5.

7. Having to walk from the car to the school gates to drop off her big sister.

We are THAT family. I am THAT mum. Shuffling the children along the road to school, fighting through the crowds of parents coming at us from the opposite direction because they were ON TIME. Like a family of fish with lunch boxes, swimming upstream, book bag and handbag flailing. Add to this the un-co-operativeness of a three year old who couldn’t give a stuff whether her sister gets to school on time and who would rather use these valuable moments to engage mummy in a “carry me” battle.

Yes, we are going to be late if I don’t just pick her up and run but I’d started the ‘Mummy can’t carry you anymore, you’re a big girl now so you must do big girl walking from now on’ spiel over the weekend and if I go back on it now I’ll undermine my own parenting abilities and she’ll turn in to a monster! (I read that somewhere…)

So we battle it out, in the rain, in the face of the oncoming looks of sympathy and smirks. The eldest (an anxious sensitive type – don’t know where she gets that from. Ahem.) is clearly becoming more and more distressed about the fact that she will miss the bit before the register, where they get to do colouring in with their friends.

3 year old bellows, refuses to move, cries until she barks like a puppy with a hairball.

“Don’t you DARE be sick.”

Inevitably, I have to pick her up and make a run for it, so now we are late AND I’ve broken the golden rule of parenting by giving in to my child’s power play. Oh bum.

8. The abrupt severance of back to back Peppa Pig episodes by the ADVERTS.

Thank the lord for NETFLIX, Sky Plus, Nick Jnr, Channel 5 and emergency DVD’s. Between this lot we have Peppa Pig on tap WITHOUT the rude interruptions of Barry Scott!

9. If anyone other than herself un-clicks her seat belt.

This can turn a quick hop out of the car in to a 20 minute sit-in protest. No matter how short of time you are, or how much you’re bursting for a wee, or how cold or wet it is as you stand patiently braving the elements whilst your ‘admirably independent’ child FAFFS ABOUT with the seat belt. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to un click her seat belt for her. What kind of disempowering, offensive, neglectful and downright outrageous thing to do. I do not need your help. I am 3. 3 comes before 4, like 1-2-3-4. SO I CAN DO IT MYSELF!! Christ.

and the most recent:

10. A fleece blanket would not stay flat when she spread it out on the living room floor to dance on.

I tried, many times, between the breaths that separated her ear splitting wails of injustice, to explain that the blanket would not stay flat BECAUSE she was dancing on it and that made it ruffle up.

But she wanted it flat and not bumpy SO that she could dance on it.

I tried, many times, between the breaths that separated her ear splitting wails of injustice, to explain that the blanket would not stay flat BECAUSE she was dancing on it and that made it ruffle up.

But she wanted it flat and not bumpy SO that she could dance on it.

I tried, many times, between the breaths that separated her ear splitting wails of injustice, to explain that the blanket would not stay flat BECAUSE she was dancing on it and that made it ruffle up.

Yes, yes, yes…I have had the cereal one too — too much milk, too little milk, I don’t want milk? Ahhhh!!! And Adverts, yes, when mine was younger, he never understood the concept and used to howl with rage! I enjoyed reading your post and good luck! #coolmumclub

This really made me laugh….and reminded me of ‘This one time…(at band camp…no sorry, I got the wrong movie…)it was this one time at baby singing group…Tigs through an epic meltdown, had to be taken home, because she missed the start of the song and everyone carried on without her! WTF?! She only stopped crying when she ran into a wall!
Thanks for joining us at #coolmumclub!

Pretty sure wine was invented for parents with young children. It should be available on the NHS surely.. you know, like the children’s vaccinations.. with a year’s supply arriving on the child’s 3rd birthday. 🙂

This is hilarious! And so scarily familiar (my son will be three very soon)…the warped logic that leads to such grave injustices such as bumpy blankets are so hard to keep up with some days! The food thing is so odd…as you say something foody that shouldn’t be there is NOT OK. Parents licking it off is ok..strange beasts our threenagers! The pic is fab. Also, thanks – your ‘do’s’ at the end means I now have Peppa theme tune in my head! #chucklemums