COOL LAWYER, EPISODE 1

JUDGE: Court is in session. Wait a minute. Where is Hatcher? This court
can’t start without Hatcher the lawyer. He thinks the world starts and
stops with him.

(HATCHER enters. Cool. Wearing sunglasses.)

HATCHER: Did somebody saw LAW?

(Cool Lawyer Theme plays.)

JUDGE: HAAAATTTCCCCHHHEEERRR! You’re late again. You’re lucky I don’t find
you in contempt.

HATCHER: Sorry I’m late your Honor, but on my way here, I saw a billboard
for a cool haunted house and I went there and there were some great kids
there. I taught them about law, I taught them about LAW, and most
importantly, I taught them about different kinds of law. I taught them the
difference between a dinghy and a paddle boat. I taught them about old men
in rubber masks. And then I read aloud from Meghan Cooley Patterson’s
classic book How To Build Hair-Raising Haunted Houses. And together we
put on a heck of a show.

JUDGE: I love that book! But that has nothing to do with the case, Hatcher!

HATCHER: Well, your “honor” – tell me this! We recreated the crime scene in
that haunted house and I realized something… Why would the fingerprints be
on the envelope and the fire poker, in fact?

JUDGE: Save it for the jury, Hatcher. Haunted houses may be amazing, but
they’re no excuse for throwing a monkey’s wrench in the merciless maw of
the ever-turning wheels of justice. Now, your client is accused of
chainsawing seventeen innocent orphans into ground chuck and selling it at
an underground meat market. How does he plead?

HATCHER: (Rips off sunglasses.) He pleads horny and hungry, your Honor.
And I plead insanity at 98 cents a pound! Is that a crime, sir? Is it a
crime to do all the stuff you said? Maybe? But also consider everything
else as well.

NITZ: Objection! The LAW is not on trial here! That is the only thing we
should be considering.

HATCHER: The law isn’t on trial, is it? (Turns away from NITZ.) Well,
Prosecutor what color is my tie?

NITZ: (Describes tie perfectly.)

HATCHER: That’s correct. But YOU’RE not on trial here.

JUDGE: He’s right. Objection overruled. Let’s see where this goes. Call
your first witness Hatcher, but remember you’re on a short leash, just like
last week in your rumpus room.

HATCHER: Your honor, I call Prosecutor Nitz to the stand!

NITZ: Whaaaa…. Your Honor, this is unprecedented!

JUDGE: All precedents start somewhere, Nitz, and this one starts here! Get
in that box, just like last week in Hatcher’s rumpus room But this time no
tagbacks.

(NITZ gets in the witness box. HATCHER paces back and forth.)

HATCHER: Since the beginning of time, think about all the different kinds
of law. There is smoky law, stingy law, maritime law, tusk law, drippy law,
goofy law, the law of night, the law of fording, lay lady law, the law of
exceptional hair, lawst in space, and the most important law, the law of
justice. Now keep thinking about all that law and mash it all up. See how
it forms a pattern. And in that pattern, we find… This! (*Pulls a knife
from a pocket*.) Look at this. Ever seen this before?