Ulysses

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Ulysses (or “Youwussies” as a surly Joyce would say) is a novel written during a seven year drinking binge. The book is considered one of the greatest acts of plagiarism ever created by single man (though Joyce was convinced, for several years of his early life, that he was a Franciscan Nun called Mary). The original manuscript comprises various cut-outs and clippings from the gargantuan amount of Teen magazines and pornographic novels Joyce had stolen from numerous places throughout Europe.

Critics and several species of chimpanzees consider Ulysses to be one of the greatest novels ever “written”. Others, usually the ones not bribed by Joyce, consider it a dirty con engineered by a sly confidence man looking to make his mark on the streets.

Conservatives dislike Ulysses for its lewd subject matter. Liberals dislike the book for its burdensome weight.

Contents

Always the perfectionist, Joyce only worked on Ulysses when standing on his head. Joyce disliked working without some background noise, so he asked Samuel Beckett to sit in wicker chair behind him and moan over the pessimistic nature of human existence, which Joyce found deeply arousing.

The first half of the book was completed in March 1918. Joyce then gave the completed half to a one-legged chicken farmer who buried it in the middle of field two miles outside Lyons. Joyce found this deeply arousing.

When the second half of the book was completed in early 1922, Joyce had the two halves welded together in a bicycle shop in Zurich. Present at this event was Nora Joyce, The Artist Formerly Known As Ezra Pound, T.S. Eliot accompanied by Macavity the Mystery Cat, and the mayor of Zurich (though it was later discovered he was only present to use the bathroom). Joyce found this deeply arousing.

The book completed, Joyce went looking for a publisher. He did this by forming his own Country Western band (Jim Joyce and the South Navan Buckaroos) which preformed in the streets of Paris. Though he and his band got a six album deal with EMI, no publisher would accept Ulysses. But it was during this time that Joyce was being stalked by William Faulkner. Disgruntled by this, Joyce fired a copy of Ulysses at Faulkner, killing him instantly. As he lay dead, effusing alcohol through his ears like a sinewy stream in autumn in Mississippi, Faulkner’s corpse drew the attention of Sylvia Beach, owner of Shakespeare and Co. book shop and publisher. Beach realised immediately that Faulkner was out, and Joyce was in. She agreed to publish Ulysses. Joyce found this deeply arousing.

At this portion of the novel, it appears that Joyce has assumed the reader has stopped reading Ulysses long ago, and thus the first thirty pages of this section simply consist of "asdf asdf asdf. "

At the end of the section, Joyce enigmatically writes "I'm sorry, but your princess is in another castle," an obvious anachronism that has led many scholars to believe that Joyce may potentially be a time travelling robot, sent back from the future to eliminate Sarah Connor.