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Category Archives: Awaiting The Flood

“Don’t get hit in the head with a chair” and “Be sure to say your prayers before you go to bed tonight” is the only advice I am offered before I venture up the traffic infested 5 freeway to see Lucha VaVOOM at the Mayan Theatre in LA. I don’t quite know what to expect… but I’m told chairs fly freely, and sin does as well.

As I pull up to the venue and look around I feel out of place. My dated Toyota is surrounded by black hearses, old limousines, and neon green hot rod convertibles inhabited by the strange celebrities of the dark Mexican world I am about to enter. I glance down and glimpse the tip of my sequin bra– my one attempt at fitting in– and imagine for a second, tearing open my flowered silk shirt and dazzling the onlookers with a scary grin complete with the standard gesture of the evening– two middle fingers up in each hand. I swallow hard, decide against it, and speed out of the motorcade to street parking.

Once I grab a cocktail inside, I take to the ring. The show begins and the audience collectively, as a cult, cites the Lucha VaVOOM Vow: “I solemnly swear that I will not believe what I am about to see tonight.”

Two pigtail adorned school girls (although not really school aged– this isn’t THAT wrong) come out prancing and being cute… then rapidly and aggressively undress each other. They’re almost naked and upside down on the trapeze and climbing all over. They‘re grabbing one another’s privates and “Highway to Hell” is playing and I’m praying that lightning won’t strike just yet. This is only the beginning.

The announcers declare the first wrestling match: “These guys are hung and ready to fuck your shit up!” The men march down the aisle flanked by their various entourages. El Jimador has a three-foot tall plastic bottle of tequila, and Dirty Sanchez, a patch of brown curls attached to his under carriage. The theatre is thundering, and when El Jimador gets flipped over the railing into an unsuspecting Cuba Gooding Jr. sitting ringside, the place is in hysterics. The night could just end there, nothing can top that, but then Dirty Sanchez pulls down his sweaty spandex and wipes his dirty bum with a rag, and I swear, the screams are so loud I‘m officially going deaf early, but it’s all so disgusting and worth it.

A fellow appears onstage and the announcers introduce him as a German “all the way from German… I mean Germany.” He is an uptight blond man accompanied by a beautiful blond girl dressed as a wind-up doll. They take the stage and he winds her up. She slowly starts spinning in circles, unwinding. The audience holds their breath. Her robotic dancing gets sexier, and after a few turns she’s shedding pieces of her dirndl until there’s nothing left but a pair of bloomers and tassels covering her big fat breasts.

The night goes back and forth between fights and stripping, midgets and stripping, crazy chickens and stripping. Drew Carey joins the panel of judges after intermission. Cassandra, “The Queen of the Ring” annihilates men with thick thighs. Midgets climb walls and jump from high levels into the audience.

Suddenly it gets quiet. People buzz with excitement. We know something big is about to happen, and then: “It is time for the Virgin who is on every candle in every supermarket.” The Virgin Mary emerges. She is the most beautiful of all the ladies thus far. I gulp. Certainly, if The Virgin Mary starts stripping the Heavens will open and we will all be struck dead. But what can you do? She is beautiful. You want her to.

She has a headdress on and tosses it aside. She has her back facing us. She is unbuttoning her top. She turns around. She is topless. But… she is a man.

He doesn’t stop for a second. He has a hula-hoop and is swaying and bending and twisting. He is down to only his britches, which are being held up by a gold chastity belt. A key appears. He unlocks it. He’s tugging it down. He’s teasing us. The girl standing next to me mutters under her breath, “What a bitch.” No one can take their eyes off him. He’s the most beautiful man that looks like a woman ever. He’s a Virgin. The show ends. We scream. We are still alive. We haven’t been struck dead.

Lucero could very well be America’s most hard working band. Playing between 150 to 200 shows a year since 2001 definitely puts them in the ranking. While we’re at it they could win the award for most entertaining and down to earth as well. At times lead singer, Ben Nichols can be drunk as a skunk, playing the same song for 15 minutes, and sometimes sweet as cherry pie, with his Southern drawl enchanting every lady (and admit it, most men) in the audience.

I recently had a chance to sit down with Nichols after his show at the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival in San Francisco. He finished the set, thanked us for skippin’ church on a Sunday, and came down to drink beer and take shots of whiskey with his fans. He stayed till everyone got a piece, and then asked if I wanted to have a seat.

After all your shows do you come out and talk to everyone?

Usually ya, and before the shows. Usually we’re playing at a bar, and I like hanging out at bars. So ya, usually I’ll end up talking to folks before or after.

Where is your favorite city to play?

It’s tough. (Someone hands him a beer.) Thank you sir. There are a lot of really good places. Memphis has always been very nice to us. San Francisco’s one of my favorite cities. And I’m not just saying that. When I started traveling at 19 this is one of the first places I came to and I love Northern California a lot. I even like Florida. I love Austin, Texas. I love New Orleans. So ya, it’s hard to pick one. I love my home state of Arkansas. I’m from Little Rock Arkansas. And it’s always nice to go back to Arkansas.

How old were you when you got your first tattoo?

I was 18.

Which one was it?

It’s this nice Celtic armband right here. (Points to his forearm.) I picked it off the wall. Actually my girlfriend picked it off the wall, because I had picked a really bad one, and she was like, “No you want this one” and I was like, “Ok I want that one.”

Did she get one too?

Nope. And that was 1990-something so that was when you had to go to the bad part of town and find the old biker dude on speed and say “Hello sir will you give me a tattoo?” So it was interesting.

Fans are known to get pretty crazy at Lucero shows… Do you have any particular story you can remember of the craziest fan experience you’ve had?

Ooohh, fans huh. Mmm. (Cracks open the beer.) Eh, it’s kind of the regular stuff. You know, you sign various body parts.

Girls throw their bras on stage?

Every now and again, ya. On the good days, on the good days.

Do you get bad hangovers?

I didn’t used to but I’m getting older, so it’s starting to catch up with me a little bit.

Who would be your celebrity crush?

Oohh, man, that’s a tough one. I’ve always had a thing for Uma Thurman. Ya, for real. Since I was 15.

Do you see a break in touring in the future? You guys have been touring for years.

We have been. And, noooo… we might tour a little bit less than we used to, but no, this is kind of what we do. I think we can keep this going for a while.

Are you working on any record right now?

We’re working on demos. And so hopefully we’ll record next spring.

What about Cory Branan, I know you guys have toured together before, do you see that happening again?

Ya, I’m sure it will. I don’t know when. But ya, we’re good friends with Cory. He’s like family, so ya, I’m sure we’ll do some stuff in the future.