Babe, not only is it your time of year for birthdays, but it’s also your spiritual time of the month. Soon a stream of menses will gush forth, but in the meantime you’re in limbo, waiting for that dyke to give. And Libra, I can see the effect this is having on you, even if you might not. On the labia majora, this metaphysical PMS is wearing you out, while on the minora, it’s making your tight little fuse a tad short. But as sure as your vulva is the tastiest, all you have to do to ease the effect of this build-up is to acknowledge how you're feeling and then wait for signs of scarlet.

scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You’ve been staggering about in the dark with the rest of them, Scorpio. What else could you expect when you agreed to join the swingers’ party? Perhaps that they’d keep the lights on? You reach out, feel a woman’s breast. But with hormones in chickens these days, how can you be sure? Was that an erect phallus brushing across your lips or was it rather an index finger, as another probes about for their own answers. And let’s face it pussy-cat, you’ve been touched in inner sanctums you no longer thought existed and it felt so good. But this uncertainty can be a tad unsettling, can’t it Scorpio? My advice is to continue enjoying the unknown multitude and try not to make sense of it until the sun comes up.

sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

My, my Sagittarius, you’ve certainly been having a time of it lately. Your cups been runnething over with all the grand stuff: bubbly, rosary beads, vag lube. And a spicy, little number like you deserves it, especially when you’re wearing that leather bodice. Can I whisper something sweetly into your ear, sugar-lips? Well, I foresee that this fecund roll is going to continue on for quite a while. As you strut down the street like the minxy little vixen you are, all eyes will turn in your direction, in like a very non-harassment-type way. And as you gaze into the city’s nightlife, lines of sparkling milky way will pour forth, as the full moon hangs like a bosom just for you.

capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, you know Johnny Lee and how he’s always getting into situations. Well honey, last week he went to that new club that plays all the 90s tunes. As he put it, this absolutely stunning, leather-clad shrew sidled up beside him. And as usual, Johnny was standing to attention at the flicker of her eyes. So they’re talking and she suggests she follows him into the men’s to suck out the poison, after he bleeds the lizard. She gets to biting his neck. He reaches down between her thighs and to his surprise, he cops a handful of her little lady’s cock. Personally, I’d have blown it, but he totally freaked. You’re about to discover a situation in your life is not as it appears Capricorn, but unlike Johnny, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

aquarius

(January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling kind of itchy down below. In line at the shopping mall or seated on the bus, I'd start scratching and oh my, the looks I’d get. I inspected and found there were all these nasty little crabs sucking at my blood. So I took a razor and shaved my pubes. But a few days later, my armpits were itching. I went to the doc, who told me that’s an old wives' tale and they’d just relocated. He gave me a lotion, which cleared it up. My gorgeous Aquarius, there’s an issue you keep trying to patch up, but it keeps raising its ugly head. What you need to do is locate the real source, then as the solution presents itself, watch as the problem completely like floats away.

pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Pretty, precious Pisces, I’d love you to cast your mind down to my cock. It’s grown hard and is nuzzling at Sally Cancan’s vertical lips, which are dripping in anticipation. I enter her and begin the pelvic thrust, as she gasps with each rotation. You know me twinkles, it’s quite some time before I blow my honey, but it eventually spits forth. All my swimmers take off racing each other in search of golden eggs. Of the millions of sperm, only a few make it into the last fallopian tube straight, but as they take that final leg, they find there’s no eggs and scintillating Sally’s barren. Pisces you don’t need to perform like my spoof right now, racing others for some elusive treasure. All you’ve got to do is cruise, enjoy the ride and the blessings will find you.

aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Botticelli Betty drops round every couple of weeks. She always insists on performing her Wham Bam Completely Blow You Away Mam dance and Aries, I'm always ready for the show. As she twists and turns in what I can only describe as a tantric lap dance, my clam heats up, as sticky juice begins to seep from its walls. I find myself sitting in my own puddle, in preparation for Betty's two finger salute, which she always pleasures me with at the end. Right now, my darling little Aries, you have something auspicious coming your way and all you have to do is get yourself suitably prepared.

taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, a few nights back, Glandular Gary paid a visit. As usge, he downed a few of the pills from the nut dish on my table, but on this occasion he accidentally swallowed a handful of Viagra. Then, oh my, his anaconda was throbbing about in the room. I mean, I tried to help. I sucked and sucked that thing, but to no avail. Even after bashing it on the head with a frying pan, it wouldn’t subside. So Taurus, what I’ve got to say to you is don’t be a prick… just jokes! Really, what I do have to tell you is that if you keep putting extra pressure on certain aspects of your life that are worrying you, you may blow a gasket. What you’ve got to realise right now sweetie, is that everything is as it should be and don’t sweat it.

gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Oh, isn’t it always the way with you Geminis. The two of you, champing at the bit, as you just want to do each other. But you can’t can you silly, because you’re well… confound it, you’re the same person. However sugar, I’d suggest that this week you spend a bit more time loving yourself, like in the spiritual way. You know, appreciating yourself for all your fabulous little treasures. And spend less time wondering what you’d feel like deep down inside your own throat.

cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

He's on all fours in the middle of the room, heaving. Except for a leather jockstrap clutching his petrified cock, he’s all but naked. She towers over, with a tight grip on the dog chain attached to his throat. Humiliated, he squeals like a pig, as her stiletto digs deep down into his buttock. Is that you candy Cancer? That blubbering mess on the floor? Hardly, you're the dominatrix in heels. But you've got to realise that unlike this situation, you can't control them all. Let go of something now and you'll find it moves in the direction you’re hoping for, without even having to yank on the choker.

leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Spotted Leo… I so saw you the other night over at Tony Lopez’s place. That’s right angel-pus, you didn’t think I was around, but I was, just about the time the party toppled all the way over into a full-blown orgy. Now let me see, I think that might have been Tony’s own cock I was gagging on, as leathery old Lenny was tickling the inside of my large intestine. Anyway with one at either end, you’d have thought I might have missed seeing you sitting in the corner all by yourself honey, but I didn’t. We all know you’ve got quite the mind and you’re a stunner to boot, but sometimes Leo, you’ve just got to get over it and come join the rest of the party.

virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Now honey, take a little minute and think about how you've been feeling of late. Mmm hmm, yep, there it is, there's that tension. And it’s an awful lot of tension, isn’t it? It's been there for like quite a time now, hasn’t it? So Virgo why don’t you cast your dirty little eyes down towards your crotch. Despite all that hoo-ha about you being pure as the driven snow, such a naughty fib, there seems to be a fist shoved right up your punani. It felt good at first, but now it’s been going on so long, your lips are starting to cramp. You know what to do, don’t you sweetie? Pull that arm out and release the tension.