I'm a vixen and I am vexed

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend who could only think of sex. To him, I was nothing more than a convenient sex doll who came with perks such as free food, free rent, cable TV, and internet.

I had always known that my boyfriend had a deep interest in sexuality, because I had almost always known him. We used to go to the same Catholic school and he was sitting next to me. He used to draw lovely Disney characters on my wooden ruler and in my books. I didn’t even realise that he had not been living in my country much. He was just this guy who looked slightly Asian, who had an appallingly nasal voice, and who kept telling inappropriate jokes.

Three years without any date, that was long.

We got in touch a few years later. We were both students. I wanted a friend. After a few emails, we met up. He tried to kiss me. My brains said hell no, my nose smelled cat piss and fried garlic, my legs were yelling run. I gently pushed him away. He tried to kiss me again, most of me was screaming no. Except my hormones, they wanted me to give it a try. He was a very bad kisser, but it’s not as if many guys could fall for a 20-something female nerd with orange pixie hair and braces – all the guys I had tried to date had been turning me down, three years without any date, that was long.

First boyfriend-girlfriend date was terrible.

First boyfriend-girlfriend date was terrible. I was all dolled up, went to his place, brought him his favourite cake. He opened the door, wearing his pyjamas even though it was the early afternoon. He thanked me, put the cake in the fridge, and told me to go upstairs. I was shocked. It was dirty, full of cds, video games, computer stuff, and strange sticky stains all over the bed. He was studying to become a computer engineer, I thought it was good enough of an excuse for his lack of domestic skills. There was barely any books, probably because he had very poor language and reading skills, he was a maths nerd. So no books, but he had a huge collection of porn movies that he was calling his animal documentaries – over a thousand DVDs. Most of the first date was about him bragging about his collection, and me having my retinas literally burnt by unsolicited hardcore videos.

I had to adjust my standards.

I wasn’t comfortable about sex. I had to adjust my standards to make the relationship work.

But I shouldn’t have.

It took me a while to realise that I was nothing more than a sex doll.

I was nothing more than a sex doll.

The first hint could have been that I was much more committed than him. I changed my university major. I started learning Indonesian and Japanese to visit his homeland and relocate. I shifted my interests towards his hobbies, accompanied him to church, shared meals with his family, baby-sit his cats, and supported him, academically and financially.

After a year, I had a car crash. A bad one. I was hit by two thirty-ton trucks. I couldn’t move my body anymore. For long weeks I needed help to change position, eat, wash, and pee. I was left to my unfortunate fate in my isolated bedroom, at the far-end of the house. When my boyfriend came to visit me, he showed how much he cared by using my bruised body like a self-pleasuring rubbing board. When a few months later I had a peritonitis he did it too. I didn’t get any comfort, his only answer to whatever was happening to me was to impose his lust on me.

When my boyfriend came to visit me, he showed how much he cared by using my bruised body like a self-pleasuring rubbing board.

At the time I thought that I should forgive and forget, this was the Christian thing to do. After all, he was going to church, he was a good person. I thought the problem was me, maybe it was my fault if I was not appreciating it.

I thought the problem was me, maybe it was my fault if I was not appreciating it.

I was wrong. He was a libidinous selfish disgusting young man with no empathy. He simply didn’t care that I didn’t want to have sex constantly, that I mostly needed a friend, a companion who would be loving and caring, and help me recover from the hurdles I had to face.

He was a libidinous selfish disgusting young man with no empathy. He simply didn’t care that I didn’t want to have sex constantly.

I started to realise that he was blaming me for everything that was wrong in his and his family’s life.

He said that everything that had happened so far was my fault, and that I had bad karma.

When he struggled to find a job after graduating college, my family gave him one and I went on providing financially – we never got a thank you, he didn’t like the job, injured himself, went on sick leave, and quit. He discovered he had a genetic condition and literally blamed me for it – I remained supportive, and I helped with all the medical appointments. He had a very bad hygiene, would not wash properly, not even his hands after cleaning his cat’s litter tray, and made me fall ill many times, I never complained, and he never learnt to use soap. When his sister crashed her car, injuring herself, her mother, and two other people very seriously, he said that everything that had happened so far was my fault, and that I had bad karma. He went on saying that I was a threat, and that he needed to take some distance.

He enrolled on a training far away from me. He came back for a couple of months, then left again. He changed company, he announced that he had to leave for a long-term contract in the US. I had committed fully for years. I wouldn’t understand that he would let me down, I had always been here for him.

I had committed fully for years. I wouldn’t understand that he would let me down, I had always been here for him.

We kept in touch, and when he came back for a family visit, he invited me to a cheap restaurant. It was Valentine’s day. I threw my very hot plate full of food to his face – he made me wait for over a year, but during all that time pretending to be waiting for me, he had a girlfriend whose son was calling him daddy. He only wanted me back because I was a kind, caring, and trusting sex doll, and he couldn’t or wouldn’t get his American beauty to join him.

During all that time pretending to be waiting for me, he had a girlfriend whose son was calling him daddy.

I could put up with a lot of things. I could forgive over and over again, but that time he betrayed me. I cannot stand betrayal. I know I have defects and have to lower my standards and put up with the defects of others, but I am loyal and expect loyalty, this is not negotiable.

I am loyal and expect loyalty, this is not negotiable.

He was too self-centered to realise that he had broken my trust. I remained friendly, but I never accepted a date again. Some women might think that having a casual sex partner with extensive expertise in porn movies and constant high libido, would be great. Maybe it is, but with him the sex was never good.

If my older self could talk to my then young and trusting young self, I would like her to tell me that

kindness can be a flaw,

committing with someone who is not worthy of you is useless,

letting him carry on with his sexual needs even when you were injured, and when you simply didn’t want to is abuse,

you shouldn’t wait for a blatant betrayal to break up,

you shouldn’t lower your standards, there is someone exceptional for you, all it takes is for him to know that you are the exceptional one for him too.

There is someone exceptional for you, all it takes is for him to know that you are the exceptional one for him too.