When last we left lofty thing spotter, Peter King, he was telling us about the future career of Kirk Cousins as a part-time professor for the University of Pennsylvania and a music critic for the New Yorker. Does Professor Cousins like the new Springsteen? PK must know! Peter also violated the sanctity of the Acela quiet car with his impudent phone-talkin’. THAT’S NO WAY TO QUIET, SIR! He also promised that Texans-Patriots would be one of the all-time great Monday night games and we all know how that turned out.

But what about this week? PK would like to talk at you about Sandy Hook, because of course he does. More importantly, what of the impending coffee wars? Will nutmeg be pitted against nutmeg? What lesson will Roger Goodell learn from Lincoln to help heal a caffeinated nation? READ ON.

In my job, athletes are not very good interviews after 34-0 losses.

“Eli! Eli! What was going through your mind when you were shrugging and pouting like a child? Was it emotional? Wait, come back! ELI!”

They don’t want to talk after 34-0 losses.

“No, more shrugging is not an answer! I need emotion nuggets. I can’t nuggetize this!”

They will find every excuse not to pick up the phone after 34-0 losses.

That’s loser behavior! Everyone knows that winners always go out of their way to give bland sound bytes to PK’s insipid questions. Coaches preach this but only the good ones “get it”.

But Sunday was different. Victor Cruz is different.

He was a winner among losers!

“When I heard about the shootings,” Cruz said from Atlanta, “I was just fighting back tears. I couldn’t stop, all [Friday] night. I took my [11-month-old] daughter, grabbed her, and held her, and she slept with me Friday night. I didn’t want to let her go. I don’t know … You drop your child off at school. A routine dropoff, parents do it every day. And this happens, and what can you do.”

Peter: “You can do something! Which is what I’m always asking other people to do! And yet what happens? Nothing! When will country learn to listen to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

In the hotel Saturday night, Cruz kept noticing messages on his Twitter feed. All were about someone named Jack Pinto. “Fifty, 100 tweets, right in a row, people wanting me to get in touch with the Pinto family,” Cruz said. He found out young Jack Pinto, 6, was one of those murdered in Newtown, and Jack was a huge Victor Cruz fan, and so he asked his girlfriend and publicist, Elaina Watley, to try to find the Pintos’ phone number in Newtown, and she did. At 10 p.m. Saturday, here he was, on the phone with the father, Dean Pinto, and then Jack’s brother Benjamin, and then Dean again.

The conversations weren’t long, because no one could talk very well.

“The father was taken aback that the message got to me,” Cruz said. “I told him I was going to do whatever I could to honor Jack. And Jack’s brother, he was very emotional, fighting back tears. He barely got any words out.”

On Sunday morning, Cruz wrote on Twitter: “Today’s game is for you Jack.”

Well, it’s the sentiment that counts.

/checks NFC East standings

Wait, no it isn’t.

There is no way to segue to football without seeming totally crass, so forgive me.

Oh, shut the fuck up. Shut your fat fucking Allagashhole. You’re not some guiding voice of perspective that the country turns to in a moment of philosophical crisis. You’re not Murrow. You’re not Cronkite. You’re just some fat stupid asshole who writes poorly about sports and thinks way too highly of himself. It’s your fucking job to talk football. YOUR FUCKING JOB. Going about your job is not crass or disrespectful. Yammering on about the shooting in your weekly column like the incident hasn’t been done justice until PETER KING RAMBLES DOLEFULLY ABOUT IT is crass and self-serving. I work seven days a week because I probably make a tenth of what Peter King does. I move furniture on Saturdays. I’m sure the people I moved this past weekend would have loved for me to show up and be like, “I hope you don’t think it crass of me after the shooting in Connecticut, but I’d like to pick up your dresser now.” They’d laugh in my face. With good reason, but that would be fucking retarded. By all means, be sad and shocked about what happened in Newtown, but for fuck’s sake, get the fuck over yourself.

Before muddling the playoff picture, here’s the game of the day. No, the year.

No, the all-time annals of semi-history! No, the all-time annals of uber-history!

You may have been asleep for the end of the game of the season; it ended after midnight on the East Coast, a good half hour after most Sunday-nighters are put to bed. In a game with eight fumbles, three interceptions, 51 first downs, 75 points and a blown 28-point lead, the 49ers and Colin Kaepernick beat New England 41-34. It’s the first Patriots’ home loss in December in 10 years, and that is not a misprint.

That’s right, he meant to selectively present facts in a way that would put the Patriots in the best possible light following a loss. Never mind that New England LOST TO ARIZONA AT HOME EARLIER THIS YEAR.

I could pick out lots to write about in this game. The Patriots scored four touchdowns in 14 and a half minutes against the best defense in football; there’s one thing.

“Spot the things with Peter King” – soon to be a daily afternoon program on the bottomless pit of suck that is the NBCSports Network.

I mean, the 49ers allowed 317 yards and 28 points to the Patriots, in freezing rain, in 19 minutes … and won. “Tom Brady-ish,” Harbaugh said afterward, describing the offensive display that nearly cost San Francisco the game.

More like Norv Turner-ish, which would be a nice way of describing Harbs’ decision to basically play prevent zone coverage in the second half after killing the Patriots early in the game with aggressive man coverage.

But a 62-yard kickoff return by LaMichael James — apparently the only Niner who doesn’t promote agita in the return game

Agita? Look at PK with his high-falutin’ words. I take it back. You’re totally equipped to give us vague suggestions about gun control.

and Kaepernick’s biggest throw of the night saved the day for San Francisco midway through the fourth quarter. The Patriots had just tied it at 31, and in the huddle, before first down at the Patriots 38, Kaepernick said: “We have to score. We gotta put up seven right here.”

As in, right now. This play.

As in, contrived devices by the writer to manufacture emphasis.

Kaepernick is growing into the job well. He’s 4-1 as a starter now, and anyone (me included) who thought it was a mistake to bench Alex Smith has to look at Kaepernick’s fastball and his 202 rushing yards in five starts and his surprising early accuracy (65.6 percent) and know Harbaugh knew what he was doing. Harbaugh had to figure: We’re a very good team, maybe even a Super Bowl team, with Smith; but we could be a great team with Kaepernick. Making the move when he made it gave Harbaugh time to grow with Kaepernick, gave him the security to know if the kid couldn’t handle it he could go back to Smith, and also gave Kaepernick the chance to be able to handle the kind of pressure he’s going to have to endure and thrive in during the playoffs.

I suppose PK should be commended for owning up to being wrong. That is, if he didn’t also take the occasion to get some good stroking in on Jim Harbaugh for what wasn’t actually that difficult of a decision. “Oh hey, this kid is playing better than the mediocre quarterback I outwardly disrespect. WHAT A GRUELING DECISION I FACE!”

You don’t get full explanations from Harbaugh about much. You get clues.

Because Jim Harbaugh is a sphinx, you see.

And this, from his postgame presser early this morning, is about as far as he’ll go to explain why Sunday’s game was important for his team — and Kaepernick. “I used to live next to a train station in Chicago,” said the former Bears first-round pick. “It’s like, the more you hear the train, the less you hear it. I feel that way with our team in terms of pressure in big games. The more you hear it, the less you hear. The more you feel it, the less you feel it. So, I feel good about that. I feel good about our team in those big game situations.”

“That train station is also were I learned the language of the streets, you jive turkey gobblers.”

He shouldn’t feel good after winning in Foxboro. He should feel great.

He should be cumming buckets. Preferably into PK’s gaping maw.

Playoff matchups to behold: If Washington wins the East, it likely would be the fourth seed. If Seattle wins one more game, it’s likely the fifth seed. That would set up Russell Wilson at Robert Griffin, rookie quarterbacks facing off in Washington in what would be the game of wild-card weekend

PRECOCIOUS BOWL! Play it in Wichita, NFL. It’s only right!

Seattle’s a sight to behold. Last nine quarters: Seattle 114, Foes 17. The Seahawks have won five of six, and in five of the last six, Wilson has a passer rating over 100. He’s running the offense the way he ran the Wisconsin offense — with freedom and instinctiveness, running to make plays and not just to get out of trouble — as his three rushing touchdowns against Buffalo suggested. The Seahawks are a legitimate Super Bowl contender, and Wilson is afraid of nothing.

Not even getting blowjobs in public? PK will learn soon enough.

The Tagliabue aftermath.

The takeaways from Tagliabue’s 22-page ruling in the Saints bounty case:

I never knew Gregg Williams offered $5,000 to knock Brett Favre out of the NFC title game. But Tagliabue’s brief says he did.

“GREGGGGG TRIED TO HURT MY BRETTY BOY, TOO!? IF I HAD KNOWN, A LIFETIME BAN WOULDN’T BE ENOUGH. IT’D BE EXECUTIONVILLE FOR HIM!”

Yes, the evidence on Jonathan Vilma offering $10,000 to knock Brett Favre out of the NFC Championship Game three years ago had some holes shot in it in the testimony before Tagliabue … even though Tagliabue writes, “There is more than enough evidence to support Commissioner Goodell’s findings that Mr. Vilma offered such a bounty.” And union boss De Smith is clear: He thinks it never happened — though Tagliabue says it’s “unequivocal” that two former coaches testified that Vilma offered the bounty. But I can’t help but think that Favre’s forgiving boys-will-be-boys reaction to the entire story — after getting battered so much in the NFC Championship that three Saints were fined for vicious hits on him — and his desire that the story simply go away helped the union say it never happened.

That’s right. It wasn’t a reversal of Goodell’s disgusting overreach of power that saved the day for Jonathan Vilma. It was the never-ending store of forgiveness in the solid-gold heart of the Land Baron that did it. Never mind that PK had Favre in his column after the bounty program was first discovered, with Favre bitching that he thought the hits on him were beyond the pale. Fuck, we should have just let PK believe it was crass to talk football this week.

The Deep End

Each week, thanks to play-by-play game dissection by ProFootballFocus.com, I’ll look at one important matchup or individual performance metric from one of the Sunday games, and this week it’s an analysis of Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco, days after the Ravens fired offensive coordinator Cam Cameron and replaced him with Jim Caldwell:

“If the offensive output by Ravens was a referendum on the validity of the move from Cameron to Caldwell, it would qualify as an unmitigated failure. Flacco’s box score figures themselves don’t look too bad (20 of 40 for 254 yards with two touchdowns and an interception) but when you consider most of the “good” stuff came in garbage time and most of the bad getting them to garbage time, the true picture emerges.

This picture:

Fine Fifteen

1. San Francisco (10-3-1). This is the best example of what a strange year this is: The team that can’t beat the Rams is, this morning, the best team in football.

I repeat: THE TEAM THAT PK HAD BEEN BILLING AS THE BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL LOST TO ARIZONA AT HOME THIS YEAR. Teams lose to teams that are shittier than them sometimes. It’s not WEIRD, unless you amazed by literally everything, as Peter King is.

3. New England (10-4). Not too fired up over Andy Dalton’s chances to beat an angry New England team in a wild-card game. Now, if it were Andrew Luck, I wouldn’t like his chances much either, but I would like the drama of him trying to atone for his Week 11 Foxboro debacle.

“Sure, Luck would be similarly doomed against the Greatriots juggernaut. BUT, OH, THE NARRATIVE NUGGETS I COULD SPEW! DID YOU KNOW THE COLTS ARE A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE? MY AGENT IS SHOPPING THE SCRIPT! A GAME AGAINST THE PATRIOTS IS JUST THE PEG IT NEEDS TO GET BOUGHT!”

5. Atlanta (12-2). Forty-nine weeks after losing to the Giants by 22, the Falcons, with basically the same cast, beat them by 34. Strange league.

Totally the same Falcons team, except for Asante Samuel, who had a key early interception. Oh, and Atlanta replaced both of their coordinators with better coaches during the off-season. And the game was in Atlanta, as opposed to the playoff game in New York. Other than that, purely identical. WEIRDSVILLE, THIS LEAGUE.

9. Cincinnati (8-6). The Bengals are 5-1 in their last six, even if they haven’t looked playoff-threatening doing so.

In other words, a likely sixth seed is playing like a sixth seed. WEIRD.

10. Indianapolis (9-5). The Colts clinch a playoff spot with one win in their last two (at Kansas City, Houston at home), and Andrew Luck is 22 passing yards from 4,000 with two games to play. Those are two things I didn’t think I’d be writing early in the morning of Dec. 17, 2012.

Things Peter King expected to be writing early in the morning of December 17, 2012

1. Some shit about the Red Sox
2. More shit about the Red Sox
3. Which of his books would make a great present for dad
4. Which of his colleagues’ books would make a great present for dad
5. WHADDAYA THINK ABOUT THIS MAYAN APOCALYPSE? THAT’S COMING UP THIS WEEK! EEP!

14. Pittsburgh (7-7). Stunned at all the Steeler fans who want to see Mike Tomlin fired. I read those silly message boards on Steelers fan sites. Part scary, part alarmist, part unwillingness to realize every team is 7-7 now and again.

Wait, Peter King bemoans the dreck he reads on the AOL homepage, yet he trawls yinzer message boards looking for dipshits who want Mike Tomlin fired? Seems contradictory, but then PK does love his Pittsburghishness.

The Award Section

Offensive Players of the Week

Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota. That’s it. I’m retiring the Offensive Player of the Week award. Peterson has it forever. His 24-carry, 212-yard day leaves him 294 shy of Eric Dickerson’s single-season NFL record of 2,105 rushing yards. We’re watching one of the amazing rushing seasons we’ve ever seen.

Peter King then votes for Peyton Manning for MVP and Comeback Player of the Year with inane explanation.

Defensive Players of the Week

J.J. Watt, DE, Houston. Another in a string of amazing games for Watt. I read a note in Greg Bedard’s excellent Sunday notes column in the Boston Globe. He quoted an anonymous offensive assistant and personnel man about the 49ers, and one of the quotes extolling the virtues of San Francisco’s superb defensive lineman Justin Smith was that “Smith is 20 times better” than Watt. That would lead me to wonder: Does this expert actually watch football?

No criticism of Bedard here; he’s just quoting someone he relies on as a source. But this expert has an interesting view. It’s like a rock promoter saying Springsteen’s 20 times better than Bono.

But where would Coldplay fit in to nthis system? Those are, after all, the three musical acts that Peter King is aware of. It’s important that they be ranked accordingly.

Goats of the Week

Antonio Brown, WR, Pittsburgh. Fumbled a punt return at a crucial time, allowing the Cowboys to come back and force overtime. Misplayed a punt by positioning himself too deep and letting the punt bounce to the Cowboys’ benefit. And he went out of bounds when he could have run for a first down. All contributed nicely to the Steelers’ overtime loss in Dallas.

The saddest thing is Antonio is usually the least derpy member of the Steelers receiving corps.

/slits wrists

Quote of the Week I

“Ed’s charging $1,000 an hour at his law firm.”

— NBC’s Al Michaels, on the interminable delay in the second quarter caused by referee Ed Hochuli’s crew reviewing a bizarre punt play in the Patriots-Niners game. Hochuli, in his other life, is an attorney.

Lawyer jokes! Those always kill. Especially with Michaels, who lost respect for the profession when he discovered not all of them frequent the Four Seasons.

Quote of the Week III

“That’s about as bad as I can play.”

— Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford, after throwing three interceptions — two returned for touchdowns — in the Lions’ shocking 38-10 loss at Arizona.

That isn’t even remotely true and you know it.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

President Obama wants to play basketball with Robert Griffin III this offseason, and that will almost certainly happen. Griffin has another idea, different from the kind of 5-on-5 that the president likes to play. Griffin wants to get his friend, Baylor women’s star Brittany Greiner, and play a 2-on-2 match: Griffin and President Obama vs. Greiner and First Lady Michelle Obama.

I don’t know. Sounds dangerous. PK recommends a lot of security detail and even more EvoShield. Those are important cornballs to protect.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

So I’m walking into work Sunday at the NBC Studios in Rockefeller Center

“DIDJA NOT KNOW I WORKED THERE? MEEEEEE? YUP, THAT’S RIGHT! LITTLE OL’ PETER KING RUBBIN’ ELBOWS WITH THE BIG BOYS IN ROCK CENTER!”

and I come upon a tour group with a pleasant middle-aged man showing a group of tourists around the historic building. “I was giving a tour earlier this fall,” he said, “when I saw Dan Patrick walk into the building!”

Just then, maybe 15 seconds behind me, Dan Patrick walked into the building, right by the tour group, having no idea what the man had said 15 seconds earlier. The tour guide said nothing. Apparently he didn’t see Patrick.

They weren’t tipped off by the SCREAMING THRONG OF FANATICS THAT SURELY FOLLOW DAN PATRICK IN ALL OF HIS TRAVELS? How is that possible? These people must be drooling invalids, surely.

Dawn Hochsprung Tweets of the Year

Oh, for fuck’s sake. PK attached an entire section of tweets from the principal who died at Sandy Hook. Because, of course, Peter King wants to constantly remind us that there’s more to life than football. Not that there isn’t, but we sure as fuck don’t need Peter King to point that out. Thanks for being at once depressing and condescending, you twat.

Tweet of the Week II

“Kaepernick 6, Nerves 0.”

— @mattbarrows, 49ers beat man for the Sacramento Bee, Tweeting live from Foxboro Sunday night after the Niners went up on the Patriots with an early Colin Kaepernick-to-Randy Moss touchdown pass.

Good sign for the 49ers that they found a way to triumph over a trite abstraction. You see more of those come playoff time.

Tweet of the Week IV

“Felix Hernandez has just asked if he can play for the Seahawks. #RunSupport”

— @PeterBotte, baseball writer for the New York Daily News

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 15:

d. Trent Richardson running like the season’s on the line.

The fact that he only gained 28 yards might be one of the reasons that it wasn’t.

j. At least Joe Flacco can talk better than he plays — for now: “It feels like we’re 0-14.”

Hey, remember when Peter King blasted Cam Newton for being all hangdog earlier this season after Panthers losses? How it reflected poorly on a team’s leader? Well obviously Peter doesn’t because he looks like a racist asshole for being Cam an impossible standard that no one else gets.

b. Sometimes coaches have to do tough things. John Harbaugh did it last week, firing Cam Cameron with three weeks left in a playoff season. Might be time for Mike McCarthy to do the same with his slumping kicker, Mason Crosby. In a scoreless game likely for the division title, Crosby missed as far wide right on a 42-yarder as you can miss. Later he missed a 43-yarder. Can’t wait any longer.

Also worth noting that PK’s kicker crush, Greg Zuerlein, has been pretty awful since the beginning of November, but not a peep about that.

d. Some would look at the Texans’ first drive against Indianapolis and say, “Good job. Getting three on the first drive and taking an early lead.” I’d say: A bad Matt Schaub throw to Andre Johnson cost the Texans four points on the play. Schaub threw far too short for Johnson, who had to wait for the ball and got caught by Vontae Davis. What should have been a 7-0 lead morphed into 3-0 when Houston couldn’t finish the drive.

Some would take the easy way out and commend the Texans for an early, but less than ideal, scoring drive. Sure, three points is nice and all. But those are the type of people who can’t deal with the PETER KING TRUTH TRAIN.

/Peyton Manning misses wide-open receiver in end zone
//PK calls it a good incompletion

j. Patriots 0-for-7 in third downs in the first half Sunday night. Wes Welker with zero catches. In the wise words of Vince Lombardi, “What the hell’s going on here!”

Knowing how much it upset Peter King made the Pats’ loss on Sunday night a LEGITISH 50 PERCENT better.

3. I think I loved the analysis by Bob McGinn of the Milwaukee Journal on Sunday. He wrote insightfully about the end of the Jermichael Finley run with Green Bay, and concluded he’s gone.

Someone’s going to get a very good tight end, if Finley can learn to be quieter and more team-centric. But in a flat-cap era, I doubt he’ll make $7-million-a-year, which was his Packer average under his current deal.

“Very good tight end”? Is Jermichael Finley the one black dude in the league that PK arbitrarily decided to overhype? Finley is a droptastic dipshit. Fuck him.

5. I think, now that the Saints appeal has been heard and adjudicated by Paul Tagliabue, one thing that has to happen is this: Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith have to rebuild their relationship. It’s not good right now. It’s not quite Obama-Boehner, but it’s close. Too many important things at stake (HGH testing the first one) to have a cold war between the league and union.

“Why must all my boyfriends be fighting? I wanna bring you both to the SI Christmas party.”

d. Your moves, President Obama, and leaders of the House and Senate, on both sides of the aisle. Be leaders. Do the right thing. Do something.

Herrrrreeeee we goooooo…

e. And for those who say to me, “Stick to sports,” you’ve got the wrong guy. I won’t be offended if you never click on this column again, or if you stop listening to me on radio or TV, or stop following me on Twitter. It’s a free country, and we’re not going to agree on everything. The media world has changed — maybe for the better, maybe not. But it’s different than the world was in 1989, when I was hired by Sports Illustrated.

For instance, there are cell phones, to which all young people are HOPELESSLY ADDICTED.

/PK drinks 12 lattes while tweeting in the car

A generation or two ago, a sportswriter covering the NFL might never have been asked for his opinion on anything — he might have reported on the NFL and not been opinionated about it, but rather have been right down the middle on everything. I was hired by the magazine strictly to be a reporter and writer 23 years ago; that started to change with the advent of the internet a few years later.

Now, my job in this multi-media world is to report on events in a straightforward way in stories for Sports Illustrated — as happened a couple of weeks ago with my cover story on the Colts — and on NBC’s Football Night in America, then to be a reporter with football opinions and personal opinions in this column and others on SI.com. And to do pretty much whatever I want on Twitter, keeping in mind my SI bosses asked me in 2009 to interact with readers for a few minutes every day. So that’s my job. It’s not everyone’s job in this business, but it’s mine.

“I’M SPECIAL, YOU GUYS! I KNOW THE DUNGE!”

And I respect you if you think I do it poorly, or you disagree with me. It’s also your option to skip over my rantings if you wish, particularly in a long column like this. There should be enough football in it for anyone. Your call.

Thanks for the permission, dickhead. Look, I don’t object to the idea of PK or whatever other sports media whore commenting about Sandy Hook. It was a huge fucking deal for everyone. Plus, it would be hypocritical. At KSK, we obviously deviate from the subject of football from time to time. You have to. Because some of the storylines in the NFL are stupid and yet always being recycled. Talking about nothing but the NFL can be numbing when you’re doing it all the time. It’s just that PK has nothing (NOTHING!) to add to the conversation about the tragedy at all. He just wants to hear himself talk. He wants everyone to know that he’s on the right side of the debate, even though he contributes nothing to it. Plus, it’s one thing to do it on your Twitter feed, a thing that people understand to be at least somewhat a personal forum. But this is a column at least purportedly about the NFL, not whatever disconnected ramblings happen to cross your mind on Sunday night.

f. I bet lot of parents, sitting around the dinner table Friday night, said to one another: “We’ve got to home-school our kids.”

But weren’t they already saying that because DURRRR TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW

g. Saw Lincoln the other day and was wowed. Loved the movie, loved the story, loved the drama about getting the anti-slavery bill passed. Daniel Day-Lewis did one of the best acting jobs I’ve ever seen, showing Lincoln as a great compromiser, good Washington game-player, dealing with a troubled wife and angry son, and as a witty guy. I walked out of the theater thinking how history repeats itself. We see the rancor and intractability in Washington now and think it must never have been this bad … and yet if anything 150 years ago, it was worse.

There was partisan bickering during the Civil War? NO FUCKING WAY! WEIRDSVILLE!

I also tried to think of what Roger Goodell thought when he left the movie — assuming he’s seen it.

You gotta be shitting me.

If he thinks he’s doing the right thing on something (such as the Saints bounty sanctions), his backbone is such, with the family history of his father being a strong-willed New York politician, that he won’t back down either.

“Does he realize how Lincolnesque he is? What a visionary leader he could be if only he and the country would give him a chance? Does he think he would good with a beard? Is he aware of the rumors of Lincoln’s sexuality? He does think about those alone at night? With his hand creeping below the waistline of his pants?”

h. The Angels are going to lose a lot of 14-9 games next year.

I hope they beat the Red Sox 200-0 in every meeting and Boston fans drown themselves in despair.

i. Josh Hamilton with a five-year contract worth $25-million a year, with no language protecting the team in the event of a relapse by Hamilton, who freely admits he has sometimes struggled with his sobriety. Was Thursday “Free Reefer Day” in the Angels front office?

It’s funny because PK earlier in the column called for increased sensitivity and awareness for mental health issues in the wake of the shooting.

j. Rick Reilly, you hit a grand slam the other day with your ESPN feature on J.J. Watt being a big brother to the orphaned handicapped kids in Houston. Wow. What a story.

PK could have written a 5,000 word defense of the Sandy Hook shooter and it might still be less crass than shouting out Rick Reilly.

That’s how Westside Story got started. Soon, there will be barista knifefights in the streets. Wasn’t Dunkin Donuts aware that the massive agglomeration of chain stores that is Manhattan is a one-coffee behemoth town? The fools! Wait until Seattle hears of this. Nutmeg bombs all over Boston.

You moved because you wanted to live somewhere walkable, which is what cities are. Unfortunately, cities, even great ones like New York, can lack in accessibility to the shitty suburban things that PK adores, like this one fucking neighborhood bar that carries a beer he likes.

Now for Tennessee 15, New York Jets 13.

ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREAT MONDAY NIGHTERS!

Mike Munchak likely has to win two of his last three (Jets at home, at Packers, Jags at home) to have a good chance to come back for year three. And much of his success in the next 14 days will be be up to the quarterback who is on his second coordinator of the season; Dowell Loggains took over for Chris Palmer last month, with the offense stalled.

You can change coaches all you want, but the issue for Jake Locker has been, and may always be, his accuracy.

And the fact that he won’t wear all the nice jackets that Munchak picked out for him. Word is Locker swears on occasion, too. Those are Munchak clean-living no-nos.

Goodell and Smith are by design legal adversaries.Follows that they will always be at odds. It’s their jobs. But if the mutli-media star wants them to just get along, let’s stop the planet on it’s rotation right this fuckin’ minute for Mister Multi Media Star and make it happen.

Yep, game was definitely in NY because I remember hearing the stupid “Can Matt Ryan play outside of dome crap?” for the entire week leading up to it….obviously, he sucked…but it’s still one of the most annoying media storylines to hear, especially for a guy that grew up in Philly and played at BC (same goes for Brees, who played at Purdue).

I thought for sure you made up that Goodell/ Linclon thing. “No way” I thought. “That has to be made up. He writes a weekly column on one of the highest read sports sites in America.” It’s really in there! I read the whole damn thing, and Jebus, Ape, thank you for reading it for us. He compared Goodell to LINCOLN!

Off topic: last night’s game was great, but the live blog was tremendous–as always. The Kommentariat is a hell of a community, easily my favorite hangout. Sorry for the digression, but I feel so happy that this site exists and welcomes all sorts of wits, comedians, and heavy duty NFLers (of which I’m none, but I’m getting pointers). And no, this is not a suicide note–but no guarantees if the Jest drop 30 on TN

The Dan Patrick story absolutely baffled me…I re-read it several times idiotically thinking “Wait…what am I missing here?” I should’ve have known better than to try to understand PK’s dumbass stories. Plus, how the hell did PK just happen to overhear this whole tour story? I think we all know he was trolling the group trying to get them to recognize him. I like to imagine Fatty circling the tour group several times with a pumpkin spice triple latte in hand trying to get their attention…faking phone calls from the Dunge and Ginger Hammer (aka Lincoln)…having loud “quiet car” phone conversations where he continually repeats that he’s Peter King and works for SI, NBC, AND IS SOMETIMES ON RADIO (and maybe has opinions on non-NFL things…MAYBE!)!!!

Craggs at Deadspin added a good point:First of all: “anti-slavery bill.” Otherwise known as the Thirteenth Amendment. Calling the Thirteenth Amendment an “anti-slavery bill” is like calling the Magna Carta a “law paper.”
So not only he inflated the Rog’s status, he cut down the efforts of 1860s/1870s of changing THE GODDAMN CONSTITUTION to a bill.

“Last nine quarters: Seattle 114, Foes 17.”
The Kingiest start of all time. Nine quarters?!
So we’re going to mine an arbitrary start to support my point at all costs. Further, it’s vital that we ignore that the NINE (seriously!) quarters include 8 against the Bills and the Arizona fucking Cardinals.
I get tired of saying King is the worst every week. And that’s all I do. I don’t have to read the whole thing. Ape is a saint.

I don’t understand. Is PK saying that Springsteen ISN’T 20 times better than Bono? I understand that it is impossible to quantify talent, but damn near any musician is better than Bono. Only a person as blind to the real world as PK would think that Bono is a talented artist.