OT: Can you stay friends with someone if...

prizzles

Posted 02/16/2015

You can't stand their kids?? Our closest couple friends have two kids, 2 and 4, and up until recently we have lived rather far away due to my husband's job. Now we have moved back home and are spending time with them regularly again. Usually we see them once a week or so but it's become very apparent that their kids are out of control. We went on a weekend trip with them a few weeks ago and by the time we left, dh (dear husband) and I were so upset that we don't even want to see them again. Their kids were very aggressive towards our son. They were hitting and pushing him and the four year old even stepped on him at one point (all conveniently while their parents' backs were turned). Their two year old vomits on command when he isn't getting the attention that he wants. There is so much more that we witnessed that disturbed us but that's not really the point of this thread. I feel bad because we have been freinds with them for about 15 years and the wife recently mentioned to me that she's hurt because so many of our mutual friends no longer seem to have time to get together with them. I can tell now that it's probably because of their kids. In addition to not wanting to be around their kids, I'm afraid that when my son gets older he will start seeing the things that they do and want to emulate them. I know that it's not my place to say anything to them about their kids and from what she's mentioned in passing, I think a few people have tried already, but I'd still like to be able to spend time with them since we've been so close for so long. Has anyone had any luck navigating a situation like this??

I wouldn't have my LO (little one) around that kind of stuff either. Like PP (previous poster) said, maybe suggest a mommy day. I know that's hard when you have more than one like your friend does but it's worth a shot if you value the friendship.

I personally would not ever bring my infant/toddler around bigger kids that push her down and so on. Not at all.

Do things as just adults without the kids. Maybe their kids will outgrow that bad behavior? If they do, then you will be thankful that you continued their friendship. If not, then maybe you could continue with adult only hangout times?

Thanks, ladies. We've tried to do as much adult activities with them as possible but it's hard when they always want to do family activities. This week is our son's birthday party and their kids have a joint party in a couple of weeks. It's getting harder and harder to avoid their kids.

I would be as gently honest as possible. If I witnessed a friends child hurting my baby, I wouldn't be able to not say something, especially if we were getting close to ending the friendship.

I would be gentle but firm and say something like "we value our friendship with you so much but it's hard to do family things when x and y are constantly picking on D's. I'm sure it may just be typical toddler behavior but it makes it hard for us to relax. Until all of our kids are at a stage where they can play appropriately maybe we can do adult activities/nights out?"

If you really value the friendship do what you can but no way I'd want my child around that behavior. If they get offended they're loss, but it may be eye opening for them.

We are in this exact situation with an added layer of possible alcoholism? My friend drinks A LOT so not only are her 3 kids (ages 6,8,9) acting terrible but our friends yell and whistle at their kids when we are out in public. It is so embarrassing. We stopped hanging out long ago and we miss them but it's not fun at all...

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"My mom insisted on multigrain bread and never allowed soda in the house." - Vin Diesel

Oh my gosh, I'd be pissed if someone's kid stepped on my son. It may not be your place to say things to them about their kids but there's a line and having your kid bullied is a reason to say something. If my kids were out of control if want to chane that. Maybe they need to hear it from a long time friend. Sorry, just feel bad your kid was stepped on

I think it will be challenging because it's not that the kids are bad, but that your friends may be doing a crap job parenting. Or your parenting styles don't line up & I think that is very indicative of personality. So I would probably struggle being friends with someone who was raising wild banshees.

The puking - my husband was an on command puker as a kid. Probably about 2-4. It was a phase.

But hurting another kid? I don't care whose kid it is, if I see a kid hitting, kicking, stomping ANY kid or animal (not just mine), I am saying something. LOUDLY & immediately. I am then taking the kid to mom & dad for further addressing. I think both kids & parents need to be held accountable when children are hurting others. I would ABSOLUTELY want to know if my kid were beating up on someone when I wasn't looking.

um, is there something going on with their parenting that their kids are acting that out of control?

I'd say something to them gently (if it was worth it to stay friends) and mention that their kids are making you and your kid uncomfortable. That's basic human decency I think. Nobody wants to have the worst kids out of the group of friends but someone needs to say something to them before they alienate themselves from everybody because their kids can't behave appropriately.

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