Day 11

“What if” is a dangerous and gray area. It’s similar to standing the edge of a vortex in the water, where you can get sucked into feelings of dissatisfaction if you are not careful. But it can be something positive too, if you are thinking of how all things work out for good.

There’s a period in my life that I don’t like to think too much about but flashbacks come often. From October 2013 to July 2014, I visited the hospital five times. On the second visit, I had a major surgery. November 11th is known as Veteran’s Day, but it’s my personal anniversary of another opportunity given to live. The emotions still overwhelm me when I think of that year. It was so hard physically and emotionally. I used to feel so strong and independent before that time. I hated becoming so weak and unable to do things for myself. When I saw my fresh scar for the first time, I was shocked to see my belly button had become disfigured. It wasn’t the scar that surprised me, since I already had a long vertical one that they cut over for this surgery. It was just the feeling of loss. When I looked in the mirror, all I could see were the 20 pounds that I had lost because I couldn’t eat. I had become a true skeleton.

It took me a long time to recover from it all. The whole experience made me want to switch majors because it was difficult seeing someone have to deal with a disorder or illness. I guess it hurt so much to see a person go through this type of situation where not much can be done to fix it because I know how it feels. I wasn’t give hope for a cure. I never got closure. I withdrew from friendships and involvement in church since I was grieving for the loss of my identity. I grieved for the changes in my body, and in my lifestyle. It completely changed my perspective on life. I still don’t know what to do. All I know is that every single one of the experiences I have lived through will come together for a greater purpose.

My “What if…” in this story is what if I had not experienced all of this? Angel and I had been dating for just a few months. He was there through it all. He drove across town to spend as much time as he could to be by my side, while juggling work and college. He bought me nail polish and did my nails so that I could feel pretty. He would take me home when they would discharge me. He was such a big support for my family. If I hadn’t gone through that at the beginning of our relationship, I would have been left with a worry in the back of my mind. I would have been concerned that he might not have been able to deal with it if he ever saw me in that condition. Instead, he showed me he would be a rock through hard times.