PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.

RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?

PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture
before she died, same guy.

MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue
screen with a collie.

PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK,
I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]

MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.

GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Joey!

JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!

[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table,
reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.

[Phoebe enters.]

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.

PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.

PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father
in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . .
another graduation. . . another graduation.

PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you
have never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.

PHOEBE: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real
father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it,
but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but
harder.

PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he
doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a
picture out] This is the real him.

CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black
boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to
see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.

RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the
ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]

MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.

JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]

ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better.
How 'bout you make a list about me.

RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ROSS: C'mon Rachel.

RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're
gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You
like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much
of that gel in your hair.

ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.

RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she
walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]

[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CHANDLER: Eeeshk.

JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.

PHOEBE: OK, let's go.

CHANDLER: OK.

PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]

CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.

CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?

PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it.
[Chandler jumps out of the car]

CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!

JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross
questioning her.]

ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.

[Rachel enters from her room]

RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.

MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross,
could you turn the heat down please?

ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .

MONICA: Ross, the heat!

ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and
starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.

RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?

ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.

MONICA: Well put it back.

ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.

RACHEL: I'll call the super.

MONICA: Here, let me try.

ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.

RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody,
uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough
to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday,
we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.

ROSS: OK, tip the man.

MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look
if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.

ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the
plexiglass wall in the cab]

CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for.

PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me
and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really
nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.

CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?

PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what
if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've
already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.

JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.

PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.

JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright
if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a
blank canvas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after
the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]