News Groper Weekly Email

By Dick Cheney

I understand there is a job opening at Playboy; I would like to offer my services in the vetting process as you search to replace your daughter Christie.I’m sure you’ll agree that my previous experience vetting for George W. Bush’s vice presidency makes me an obvious choice for this position.

Playboy is not my ideal venue for post-VP employment, and your insistence on wearing smoking jackets makes me want to electrocute into oblivion what’s left of your genitals, but with the economy currently fucked I’ll take what I can get. See, the main thing is that I want to move to Chicago (largely untapped baby-sacrificing market). My dream job was to put my skills as a product reviewer to work at the Chicago Tribune, but now that’s looking questionable. As Christie’s office is located in Chicago, conveniently close to a maternity center no less, I suppose I will accept your implicit offer and begin vetting immediately.

By Barack Obama

I lived in Chicago--what did you expect? A League of Women Voters silent auction?

So just get over it, okay? Like I told Joe the Plumber, we're trying to spread the wealth around.

But as long as we're on the subject, I've got a few more things in Chicago that I don't want to move to the White House. Before I list them on eBay, I thought I'd post them on my blog and let people bid--that way I avoid sales commissions. Here we go!

Portable Basketball Goal: This used to drive my neighbors nuts. Some professor plunks down a million bucks for a condo in Hyde Park, moves in and looks out his bay window to see me draining three-point shots from behind my trash cans. There goes the neighborhood! Includes new all-weather chain-link net.

By Plaxico Burress

This week Hillary Clinton promised a zero sum record of worldwide terrorism after she takes over. Plaxico Burress analytically explained the curious case of the Latin Quarter nightclub and Morgan Freeman reflected on sexual objects, both land bound and in the celestial skies. Enjoy!

By Vladimir Putin

No, I didn't crush one of their ambassadors with a KGB head clap or launch a judo attack on one of their allies. I didn't even need to take my shirt off to send this message out to the world. I'm simply going to send a Russian ship up the Panama Canal sending a strong signal to America. A very powerful signal.

Imagine, if you will, that the Panama Canal is America's rectum. And Russia just sailed a ship right up it! Oh yeah!

Or if the Panama Canal was America's throat, then Russia just crammed our fist down it!

Or If the Panama Canal was America's nose, or more accurately, one of it's nostrils, well then Russia slammed our finger deep inside it.