Title: Getting In On The Christmas SpiritAuthor:iamisaacCharacters Severus/Remus, Sirius/Buckbeak (implied) Rating: Hard R Theme/KinksKinky Kristmas 2008 Requester: nehalenia, Character/Pairing: Snape/any Marauder/s (well, maybe not Peter)Kink: wall!sexHoliday item or location: Panto (Chart dared me)Tone: humour, I'm thinkingWord Count: 1500ishSummary: Christmas in Grimmauld Place is not so grim as it is crazy.Author's notes: Oh, go on, then. As I'm awake at this ridiculous hour of the morning, you can have both of my fics for today.Apologies if any of the people represented appear to conform in the least to canon. I don’t quite know what came over me when writing this, but probably everyone had better hope it doesn’t happen again.

Severus spun on the spot, and caught a shimmering glimpse of a figure.

“Now you see him, now you don’t,” chuckled the first voice.

Severus froze. He knew that voice. Should, indeed, have known from the moment he was called ‘Snapey’. (Had he ever mentioned how Very Much he hated being called Snapey? Probably: that was no doubt why Sirius Black insisted on calling him that.) Which meant… Severus glared at the spot where the figure had disappeared… that the other must be Lupin.

“I know where you are,” he said grimly.

“Oh no you don’t,” Remus’s voice said, from a position to his left.

“Oh yes I do,” Severus said.

“Oh no you don’t,” said Sirius. His voice seemed to be coming from above Severus, but surely that was impossible. There was no way that he could be flying a broom inside Grimmauld Place, surely? And if he were… Severus just prevented himself from taking a quick look upwards… then his feet would be just about at head level.

“Oh no I don’t,” said Severus.

“Oh yes you…” Sirius’s words were cut off as Severus made a grab in the air just in front of him and hauled on a suddenly visible foot. “…do,” he finished, somewhat indignantly.

“What, Black, do you think you’re playing at?” Severus demanded.

“Where’s your Christmas spirit, Snapey-boy?”

Snape sniffed. “You smell as if you have had more than enough Christmas spirit for the both of us.”

“Oh no I…”

“And don’t start that again,” Severus snapped.

“Spoilsport. Re-moony, ‘sall up. The Snapester has caught us.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw Remus appear. Apparently, he had been using a Disillusionment charm to keep out of sight. However, Severus had more important things to worry about. “Snapey” was bad; “Snapey-boy” was even worse, but The Snapester? That was beyond the pale.

“I am not,” he affirmed slowly and clearly, “in any shape or any form ‘The Snapester’.”

“To be fair,” Remus commented, “I’m not usually known as Re-moony, either.”

“D’you think she’s really a man dressed up as a woman?” Remus asked, as Severus leapt forward and shut the curtains once more.

“Oh God,” Severus groaned, “I shouldn’t think there’s any Christmas Spirit left after you two have been at it.”

“Oh yes there…”

“Black!”

“Well, there is! Here!” Sirius felt inside his robes and brought out a half-empty bottle. “C’m’on, Snapey, there’s enough for you to have some.”

“Thank you, no,” said Severus coldly.

Sirius advanced on him, holding up the bottle; and Remus came in from the other side.

“Drink!” insisted Sirius.

Severus, the bottle forced to his lips, was obliged to gulp a large mouthful of… actually, very potable spirit. Remus, apparently from nowhere, started a chant.

“We like to drink with Severus, Cos Severus is our mate.He lives for fornication And he likes to stay up late.”

Severus found himself taking another large gulp in surprise.

“What did you say?”

“Yeah, Moony, what did you say?”

Severus was unnerved to find Sirius in agreement with him. Remus shrugged apologetically.

“I used to live next door to a boy scout.”

“I thought they were the holier than thou lot,” objected Sirius.

“Apparently not,” said Severus dryly, taking advantage of the confusion to have a third large swig of Christmas Spirit.

“And anyway,” Sirius added, “he’s not our mate.”

Remus pouted.

“He might not be your mate, but he’s mine, aren’t you, Severus?”

“Moon-us!” objected Sirius.

Remus turned round and Severus gave a yelp.

“Not again. Or I shall not be responsible for my actions,” he said hastily. “And by the way, Lupin, why are you wearing no underwear?”

“Ease of access,” Remus explained.

Severus recoiled.

“Oh God, you don’t mean to tell me that you and Black…”

“Not me, Snapey-Wapey,” Sirius said cheerfully. “You.”

“Are you sure you won’t be responsible for your actions?” Remus added hopefully.

“I…”

Remus mooned him again, and Severus found himself drawn almost hypnotically towards the bare bottom.

“You might need this,” said Sirius, throwing him a tube of lube. “Oh, and make sure to draw the curtains: my mother hasn’t had any excitement for a long time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to have a private moment with the Christmas Spirit and a Hippogryff.” He lurched forward and took back the bottle from Severus, then pinged the curtains on Walburga Black open as he wavered unsteadily upstairs, singing “Remus has no pants on, Remus has no pants on….”

“No, Lupin, I am sticking my fingers in your arse because I find it excessively ugly,” Severus retorted. “I will shortly stick my cock in it for the same reason.”

“OOH YES,” screeched Walburga Black, clearly having the time of her life. “THAT ARSE IS JUST RIPE FOR ROGERING.”

“I am aware,” said Severus, opening his own robes to display his similar lack of underwear, and thoroughly coating his cock.

Remus, still looking over his shoulder, frowned a little.

“Well, why have you got no pants on?”

Severus lifted an eyebrow.

“Ease of egress.”

“Of what?”

“It is easier to fuck someone when you have no underwear,” Severus explained slowly.

“GET ON WITH IT!” bellowed Mrs Black, clearly bored by the lack of action.

“Bend over, Lupin, hands against the wall,” said Severus in a bored tone.

Remus obediently did as he was instructed, and Severus thrust inside him.

“THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT,” said Walburga enthusiastically. “NOW, A HAND ROUND THE FRONT AND GET HIS DICK.”

“Thank you,” said Severus, “I had intended so doing.”

He reached a slippery hand round to grasp Remus firmly by the cock, and Remus groaned in encouragement. Severus started to move, both his hand and his body, to encouragement from Walburga.

“BEAT HIS PETER!”

Severus’s hand was moving slowly still, as he worked himself up. He was thrusting shallowly inside Remus, each thrust moving him a little deeper.

“BOFF HIS DONG!”

Remus was groaning “yes, yes,” and Severus was thinking that perhaps Christmas Spirit had something to say for it, as he felt the beautiful tightness around his cock.

“WAGGLE HIS WAND!”

His own breath was unsteady now, and he could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Remus’s hands were still flat against the wall, but he was thrusting his hips back against Severus with desperate ardour.

“STICK THAT BROOM WHERE IT BELONGS!”

Walburga’s encouragement was getting louder, if possible; Severus had to strain to hear the sweet sounds that Remus was making: little huffy sounds like a squeaking gate. He pushed his hands under Remus’s robes and ran them up his back, digging his nails in.

“JERK THAT JOBBIE! SPANK THAT MONKEY! FUCK THE FELLOW!”

And Severus, as if obeying orders, jerked hard on Remus’s cock so that his lover was spurting a spray of come across the ugly wall; and then Severus was coming, hard, his fingers clenching against Remus’s skin.

“THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT!”

When he had recovered his breath, the first thing Severus did was to draw the curtains on the lascivious Mrs Black. From upstairs, he could hear Sirius, still singing, though the song had changed.

That was bloody hysterical! You know, Chart tried to explain/describe a Panto to me, but now, I think I have a *very* good idea of what one is like. The Walburga Black Cheering Section was not only entertaining but... enlightening. (I'm guessing that sort of cheering section doesn't normally occur in Panto? Or does it?) Sirius singing "Oh Come all ye Hippogryphs, and oh, the lovely wall fucking! Thank you thank you thank you! This was an utter delight! (And very educational.)

*imagines scene while visiting Britain someday in the future -- Neha turns to Chart at Xmas Panto: "So, when does Rogering start?"*

This, boys and girls, is how one does crack. Oh, no it isn't! Oh yes it is! etc. Walburga's commentary is great. I would almost go as far to say that she's a participant, but perhaps that thought would scar poor Remus & Severus beyond even the thought of Sirius' activities upstairs...

You should be grateful you don't know panto. I don't even like panto (the male lead is played by a woman; the male lead's mother is played by a man - there's a lot of 'oh no it isn't' involved....) and it STILL happened with this fic. I blame chart. Firmly and thoroughly.

I was reading this while peeking between my fingers (Sirius' mother has that effect on me), and in the midst of laughing out loud. I love that you gave an insight on Remus and Sirius pranking. Brilliant! XD

Oh, the horror! (Just please - please don't use the expression "boff his dong". I read it in a piece of serious, professional, writing and I nearly died... then ran off to add it to this story, because it was too good to waste ;) )

I always wonder with humour whether other people are going to be covering their eyes saying "why did anyone think that was funny?" so it's very reassuring that you laughed :) (IRL, people seem scarily under the impression I don't have a sense of humour. Um, considering it seems to involve bestiality and voyeurism, perhaps on second thoughts I should be glad they don't!)