Okay, for one thing, you can't get away with saying Captain Crunch. It is, and always will be, Cap'n. It's gotta rhyme with happen, after all.

He is the son of Admiral Horatio Crunch, Sr. and Gidget Runningstar, and was born and raised on Crunch Island in the Milk Sea. Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch's story started at East Point Breakfast School, the military training school for breakfast cereal mascots. A graduate of the class of 1969, Horatio Crunch quickly became Lieutenant Crunch. He saw action in the mascot wars of 1972, and suffered wounds to his head, which to this day, he keeps covered up with his trademark blue hat. For valorous actions in battle, Lieutenant Crunch was promoted to the rank of Cap'n, a title he currently holds today.

The product he peddles is an exceedingly sugary corn-based cereal. Its been cutting the roofs of mouths of the millions of young'uns who've been bewitched by the Cap's lurid spell on Saturday mornings since the dawn of Crunch. According to Wikipedia, each individual piece of cereal is supposed to resemble a treasure chest, but to me they look like little mink hand warmers.

Anyway, if my diet permitted me to eat cereal on a regular basis, I wouldn't be dealing with name brand stuff. I'm in college, so "generic" is a key word in my day to day life. I'd rather get a ten pound bag of the same exact thing, just called something stupider. (This applies to medicine and tuna, as well.)

Okay. I did my part. Do hurry and explain, as I've always wondered about that extra vowel.

Many girls want to be carnal with me... because I am such a premium dancer!