my god … it's full of stars

It’s getting harder. I’m feeling sadder. Here’s the thing … Darwin is splitting his time between us and not seeing him for 3 days in a row is incredibly hard for me. Also when he is here I think he’s sad because he’s so much more accustomed to being at J’s house. To him that feels like home. I’ve been trying to make this place feel like home too, but it’ll obviously take some time. Sigh.

And J has made it quite clear that for him this is the end of any relationship between us at all. He’s says he’s done … can’t even imagine trying to retain any kind of friendship. I guess he’s willing to write the entire last decade off. For me it’s not that easy.

I know it’ll get easier and harder and better and worse. I know it’s a process, and I’m trying not to fight any part of it.

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I am really impressed with how well you are handling all of this. Its such a huge change and you are still able to see past the now into the future where things will be easier. You might not see it, but you already sound *healthier* to me. And Darwin will see that as well.

Now having a little one of my own I know how hard it must be to be away. I am still having trouble with any more than 90min 🙂 and am worried about returning to work. So three days must be a *very* long time. But in some ways, this will be time you can really maximize for yourself; go to yoga classes, go for a walk, do things that you’ve been not doing for the last two years since you’ve been doing the bulk of the parenting.

I do wish you’d been able to stay in that apartment though, that really sucks. The new one will be home to Darwin super soon since its *your* home!