My Story

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

vagueisms

Be honest. You glanced at that title and saw "vaginas" didn't you? Pervs, all of you.

I just backspaced away the beginnings of a post that was going nowhere. I should be asleep but I tend to do this, avoid slumber for no good reason other than I must really like being exhausted the next day. I make no sense to myself.

Mr. Man and I broke in the spreader bar the other night. We had a different kind of sex, for us. We explored some Dom/sub play and it was very odd. I'm not sure it can work. It was very weird for me and I didn't like how it made me feel, emotionally speaking. I'm still trying to sort things out in my head and he and I need to have a follow up discussion, that is for certain.

In related news, the sub/Dom and all other things sexual with C-man would appear to be officially over. I mentioned this last time I know but it wasn't as final as it now seems to be. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it when it finally happened, closing that chapter I mean. But I am doing well with it and am at peace with it. I feel like it's the right thing. I hope he feels the same, although I think it more likely that he feels that he didn't have a choice or much say in the matter. We remain on speaking terms but in an awkward, overly friendly sort of way. He was a very important person in my sexual journey, but a chapter that has now closed.

I was confronted in person the other day by ExBF's wife. I think I mentioned the drama with that in a prior post but I'm too tired to find it now. It caught me completely off guard. I'm not sure that situation is over yet. I feel somewhat violated and wary now. It wasn't at all a violent interaction but more of an awkward about face on her part. Very very strange.

I worry that I will always be searching for who I am as a sexual being. Forever trying to find my place in the unstable world of...whatever it is I'm searching for. I can't even articulate what I mean here. Can you tell? Ha.This is going to be a post I reread tomorrow and say What The Fuck?

2 comments:

It is hard to start a D's relationship with a man you have been married too for years. It certainly is workable, but sometimes the rules that change the dynamics of the relationship from vanilla to D/s are ones that some can't live with. best of luck. Sorry to hear about C-man..Live,Love,Learn...

To be on a sexual journey that never ends seems to me like a wonderful thing. I find confusion and curiosity to be very powerful forces, propelling me forward - there are always new questions appearing at the horizon, but I enjoy exploring and I think it would feel very empty if I one day arrived at a point where I felt I knew with certainty my true erotic self. I envy you for being able to explore so freely with your man - even if not all explorations are successes...