How many different ways are there to view the world? Let's start with "Nothing matters because everything dies anyway." Next might be "All that matters is the health and happiness of me and those I care about." Then there's "Human life is precious, and nothing is more important than preserving all human life." After that might be, "All life is precious, and we should respect the lives of all people and animals. Nothing else matters." However, what's beyond that? This is where you start getting into things like "I care about how the stock market is doing" and "I am extremely concerned that my company does well this quarter" and "I care so much about my job that I'll work 12 hours a day and miss out on the best years of my life even though this company would lay me off in a heartbeat." And before long, you're talking about how much you hate the Yankees because you're a Mets fan, and sending me emails threatening to kill me because I don't like Sonic Youth enough. Do these things honestly matter? How could they POSSIBLY matter to anybody over the age of 14? How many times a day do you hear people giving their opinions about things that are none of their business? "I think it's terrible that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston and now he's with that hussy." It's none of your business. "Aerosmith sold out just to make money!" So? How does this affect you? Going beyond "none of your business," how often a day do we - WE (including ME) formulate an opinion based on what we read in the newspaper? "Well," you might rightfully ask, "how else CAN we formulate an opinion if not from the information we are given?" See, but therein lies the problem rub. The newspapers only report about 1% of what is actually happening in the world, and generally make no attempt to explain to us how or why high-level decisions are actually being made. And how do I know this? I don't! I read it in a book. I don't know a thing except shit that doesn't matter.

Do you ever get into vehement, heated arguments about things that you don't actually care about? I do. I hate that. It generally only happens on message boards and such - these teensy, tinesy microcosms of people whose opinions you (I) REALLY shouldn't care about, but when you get sucked in, it's hard to suck yourself out. Negative comments from people whose identities you don't even know somehow take on great significance. And so the pointless, time-wasting arguments commence. At the end of it all, I suddenly realize, "Wait a second. I don't give a shit whether or not this 14-year-old thinks gay people should be allowed to marry. And I could have been jerking off all over myself this whole time!" People with no power HAVE no power. Still, there are too many people, and not enough brains between them. The Fourth Reich could easily happen in America. EASILY. Think of all the kneejerk Muslim hatred that sprouted up after 9/11 -- and that was with the government and media telling people NOT to get mad at them! Can you imagine what would've happened had the government and media supported the idea that all Muslims want to destroy America? How much propaganda (government-placed false media stories about non-existent Muslim-committed atrocities) would it really take before all the idiots that voted for Bush started stringing 'em up everywhere they found them? Not a whole lot. Look at how many people hate fags - and what is their reason? Does anybody ever say, "I hate fags because they're mean-spirited people who hurt animals?" No! It's always, "They're fuckin' GROSS!" and "The Bible says it's wrong" -- Fag-haters are the aggressors. Black-haters are the aggressors. I don't care if five black guys beat you up when you were 14 - I can name about 40,000,000 black guys who would never lay a hand on you!

And they're all named JEROME!

Oh okay, I can't name 40,000,000 black guys who would never hurt you, but I think I can fairly "assume the existence of" such a phenomenon.

My point is that you will save yourself a lot of unhappiness if you choose your battles wisely. Don't get tricked into a draining argument with somebody just because they say your favorite band is a piece of shit. Don't get overly worked up about the ignorant opinion of somebody who is not - and never will be - in any position of power. One's beliefs are NOT going to be changed by being yelled at and treated like an idiot. If you can't help somebody see your point of view through calm explanation and examples, then let it go. Because it's hopeless. Let something else happen in their life to change their mind. Alternately, if somebody spreads a rumor at school that you were in the bathroom jacking the bean, bring a knife to school and slit that person's neck from ear to ear. If you're gay and a bunch of football players chase you home and beat you up one day, remember their faces, find out their names, check the phone book for their addresses, and one by one stake out their homes until you see them alone, then bash their heads in with a baseball bat. And most importantly, don't go to sleep without knowing exactly what you would do to somebody if they broke into your house in the middle of the night. Learn self-defense moves. Keep a knife under the mattress. Learn how to hurt people who deserve to be hurt. I'm running off at the fingers, I see, but these are things that run around in my brain a lot so I figure I'd might as well share them with you. (A) All religions are wrong, (B) Those who hurt others demand stiff, steep revenge, and (C) You absolutely CANNOT take at face value what you read in the newspapers and books of the day. Even if a reporter is honest, sources tend to lie like the wind to promote their heroism or protect their own interests. You are honestly only qualified to formulate opinions about situations in which you are directly involved. Otherwise, you only have one side of the story, you don't have all the facts, and it would really be better for everybody if you would just shut your fucking mouth until you're willing to become a politician, assassin or leader of a large revolutionary group and are thus in a position to enact any sort of change whatsoever.

And I'm talking to myself here too. I know darn well how many anti-Bush rants I've made on this site. And for what? Do I actually have any idea WHY our government does what it does? There are a million different theories on it, but I don't care how many books you've read -- if you're not actually involved in these decisions, your opinion isn't based on anything else but what somebody else REPORTS to you. And how valid are their sources? Do you know? I sure don't! And do I have any idea how to FIX all the problems that we face in today's overpopulated world of hate? Shit no! Genocides (rhymes with "Geocities") happen because of greed, ignorance and unequal distribution of wealth. Political assassinations happen because certain people in positions of power don't want to lose any of their power - or their nation's power. People do horrible things, and sometimes they do them because they feel that the ends justify the means. Is it worth killing 200,000 innocent Iraqis to protect the future economy of the United States? To those whose job it is to protect the economy of the United States, I'm sure it probably is. And I'm also sure that many (if not most?) in power do horrible things just to maintain their own power, with little if any regard for the people - even AMERICANS - that they are hurting in the process. But unless and until I'm willing to actually do something besides BITCHING about it, I'm just as bad as they are, in a way. Assuming they exist. Who knows if they do or not? Conspiracy theories might be all correct, or all wrong. Only those involved in the conspiracies really know for sure. But liberals are not necessarily correct about anything, any more than conservatives are. Everybody's opinion is based on their own personal values, and in a world where most peoples' "personal values" seem to involve tip-toeing around the whims of one fairy tale God or another, I guess sometimes we have to stand up, grab a Republican, and say, "WHY DO YOU HATE EVERYBODY SO MUCH????"

This is all stream of consciousness, you understand. And I realize you're already aware of all of these conundrums; I don't mean to come across like a high schooler who just realized, "Wait a minute! How can we be SURE that we all actually see the same colors?" It's just this sad, confused feeling of despair that comes up every time I look at the news and see people getting their "panties" in a "wad" over pantsless Saddam Hussein photos in a British tabloid, or when I read a quote like "'I'm going to vote for this bill, but I'm voting for it for one reason - because this is a political bill,' said Sen. Mike Jacobs. 'If I vote against it, it will show up in a campaign mail piece.'" Why does our world - not just our nation, but the entire human race - value appearance and morality more than honesty and compassion? It's not just a punk rock catchphrase - politics DO suck. It's just a wretched, disgusting game. Who would want to get mixed up in that pile of backbiting, lying bullshit? Acting like children to appear more moral than the competition. Vehemently disagreeing with the opposing party on no grounds other than THEY ARE THE OPPOSING PARTY. Embarrassing nonsense. Or maybe most of it is boring and the news only reports the sensational stuff. That might be the case. I'm certainly not going to turn on C-Span to find out!

Mangled Demos From 1983 is a collection of very well-produced (for a demo) punk rock songs recorded by the earliest incarnation of the Melvins: singer/guitarist Buzz Osborne, bassist Matt Lukin and drummer Mike Dillard. Although many of the songs utilize generic, predictable punk/hardcore chord combinations of the day, they rise above their limitations thanks to an already EXTREMELY confident and confrontational vocal style, an angry fuzz tone that ranks up there with early Black Flag, and a tight, powerful punk rock drummer. This combination is more than enough to justify sitting through the "Forward To Death" riff for the 400th time.

So why would these have just been sitting around in somebody's ass for 22 years when they provide such an interesting glimpse of the band's fast punk origins? It can't be that Buzz was embarrassed by them, and the Melvins have certainly never objected to the idea of flooding the market with new material. My guess is that he just hadn't thought about them in years -- until his band's mid-00's collaboration with Jello Biafra. I can just imagine him telling Jello, Kevin and Dale, "Ah man, when the Melvins first started, everything we PLAYED sounded like this. I oughta dig out some of that old stuff." Just an assumption, but a logical one, I'd say! Certainly these demos would have made a more interesting release than 20 Songs or whatever that update was they put out a few years ago (see review below). At any rate, let's describe the CD in greater detail for the people in the Chicken Gallery:

Five of the tracks are identified only by symbol, not by title. I don't know why this is, nor do I know why the final two tracks are of complete silence. However, I DO understand the humorous intent of including both (a) a drunken idiotic band argument recorded during a rehearsal when they were 19 and (b) the announcers' introduction and reaction to the band's youthful performance on an Elks Lodge Christmas radio show ("I have a hunch we're about to get our sinuses cleared." "Oh my goodness! Now THERE is a sound!" "We're back here live at the Elks Lodge - at least, I THINK we're still alive..."). Archaeology can be pretty G_____D_'d funny if enough time has passed between the burial and the dig. And hey! What's that, if not an early version of "Set Me Straight"? And hey! Did "Snake Appeal" as we know it actually sound this catchy with adorable boppy bass line? One would have to re-listen to the one we know to find out, and one has not done so!

For the most part, these are not great songs, but they're not bad either. Just sort of formulaic. And there are some instant classics in there that you definitely gotta hear at some point - "Forgotten Principles," "The Real You" and a couple of the symbol-titled songs are totally killer anonymous speedball tunes that would have sounded great on the old WREK punk rock show I listened to every week when I was 16. Plus, the whole project was just a good idea. It still doesn't answer the question, "Where the hell did Gluey Porch Treatments come from?" (In fact, it makes it even HARDER to understand!) But it's nice to know that, like many of us, Buzz Osborne began his musical career as a normal punk rock kid trying to imitate his favorite bands. Wouldn't you feel like a complete loser if the first thing he wrote after picking up a guitar was "Eye Flys"?

Ooo! Another interesting thing is that you can TOTALLY tell Kurt Cobain learned how to play the guitar by watching his young love Buzz. Check out the guitar break in "I Don't Know"; that's so Kurt Cobain I can almost SEE him wiggling his little fairy dick inside Courtney's house vagina!

Is that okay? That I can't listen to a song without getting a mental image of the performer having sex with his wife? It really wasn't a problem until that last Paul McCartney album came out. I mean, does she leave the fake one ON, or does he come in from the empty side and rub his balls against her remaining one? And I'd have to guess doggy is out of the question unless her balance is just amazing.

Maybe I'll send him an email. I assume he's at PaulMcCartney@yahoo.com, unless somebody else with the same name got there first. Maybe I should try SirPaulMcCartney@yahoo.com.

Oh, but then what if it winds up going to some Indian guy named Sirpa Ulm Ccartney? Forget it; I'll just throw something in the mail.

Paul McCartney
The Beatles
Liverpool, England

Done and voila!

Reader Comments

vcavallo@mac.com
hey i'm the first one i think! boyoooo, smacko polo! oh man, you
truly are a freak... i say that with a smile on my face, in a state
of complete entertainment and satisfaction. this was a really good
review. i've had the mangled demos bootleg for awhile now, and had
planned on getting the new one, but now i am also LOOKING FORWARD to
it. thanks for maintaining this site and good for you for being a
loyal melvins fan. there are a lot of bands reviewed here, but i
sense a certain special love for the melvins, and that means you are
a real person and not some robot that thinks they like good music.
another good one, mark "melvins" prindle. look at you....all famous
and stuff. crazy internet.

9904352O@student.gla.ac.uk
Mark! mark mark mark mark...Mark. Mark? MARK!! mark m------ark. Mark:mark
mark mark. Mark! Mark! "Mark" mark
mark...markmarkmarkmarkmarkmark...Mm....................
Mark, I still can't bring myself to listen to the Melvins again, so I
stopped reading when you actually started talking about them, but up to that
point I was very merrily entertained. Thank you.

To anyone who happens to read this, I suggest you might benefit from
studying some Buddhism. I studied western philosophy for four years and it
didn't do much for me, infact it really annoyed me. Such a wide veriety of
ego-maniacs displaying their wares. There are though many illuminating
Buddhist writings doing the rounds-the Tibetan book of living and diying is
a good place to start-some of it is very heavy going mind you, but I think
more people should investigate. Philosophy with practical application, ye
know?

Don't be put off if you have misgivings about religion, we've already
assimilated christian morality just though living in the western world,
whether we like it or not. Religion in itself is not bad and it doesn't
start wars. What is bad and what does start wars is people using religion as
a means to exert their power over others, through greed and fear and hatred.
As far as I can see it usually comes down to people wanting to possess
things.

The media and governments will always look to draw people to a common
mindset, by creating caricatured enemies, but demonisation is unhealthy. If
you hate someone and these negetive thoughts flow through you and weigh you
down, that's a big burdon to have to bare. I'm not saying that its easy
forgive people who commit horrible violent acts, but the sad reality is that
people who do horrible things probably had horrible things done to them and
back and back and back and so on branching out through the past and over the
world. No negative act inflicted on another person, or life or the world
exhists in a vacuum. Someone can send some seemingly minor insult your way
and you might end up hating them, just through the grotesque image you build
up, out of a desire to place blame for whatever goes wrong in your life.
Being kind to others and cultivating a positive outlook to the world will-in
the long run-benefit you and everyone else you interact with. I'm not
sugesting for a second that this is a solution to the worlds problems, but I
challenge anyone to deny this is the way forward.

...and I'm sure the Melvins provide happines for many people.

aaad.js@gmail.com
According to Buzz Osborne of the Melvins, Kevin is now out of the band
due to "personal reasons". Thought you'd like to know being that you
have interviewed him and are a fan of the Cows.

escepticojr@hotmail.com
well, i haven't listened to this new shiny release, but I have an illegal
bootleg ilegally downloaded from the internet. It's sure fast, aggresive and
kind of snotty... such a perfect way to encourage or defy anybody to start
making their own music. But surprisingly that's not the only reason i'm
writing to you Mark. As you should already know and according to
melvins.net, Kevin Rutmanis is not the bass player of the melvins anymore. I
must say I'm shocked, full of rage, and also kind of hungry but that's not
the point, my point is Why such a terrible thing happened? Kevin was by far
the best bass player that the melvins ever had. He was a nice guy, full of
ideas, excelent and innovative bass player and most of all he brought all
this noise to such a fenomenal 2002 album entitled Hostile ambient takeover.
Kevin is no average bass player, and I really don't know what could've
happened that made, and i repeat, the BEST, yes sir, THE BEST bass player
that the melvins ever had leave the band. Of course I have my theories like
any other fan, and i'm willing to share them with you, of course this is not
very polite or appropriate to do but I'm so dissapointed...

a) Kevin got tired of Buzzo's dictatorship, and said that he wanted no
longer to contribute in noises and fillers and wanted more freedom in the
creative aspect, that means include a song entirely made for him on the next
record. I think is possible because as he said in previous interviews, Buzz
made all the stuff and Kevin had to play it... that should've been hard for
a guy that came from a band (cows...duh ) and write much part of the stuff
being in a band where he does or did very little according to his standards.

b) Kevin could be tired of playing in a band, and wanted maybe a normal and
simple life... like the ones you get on TV. I don't know if he's still in
Tomahawk, if that's so...well...fuck this theory.

c) Personal issues? I know they are no friends, I mean they could hang out
once in a while, and they have to share during the tours, but could it be
possible that they didn't have a, let's call it "friendship" that could've
helped them during this possible fight?

d) Are Dale and Buzzo gay? no that's silly... let's move on to the other...

e) Are Dale and buzz just playing with different bass players? I mean, when
somebody just doesn't do anything interest they just throw him out? Why the
melvins have had so many bass players then? let's see... Matt Lukin, Lorax,
Joe Preston, a guy between Lorax and Mark D that didn't matter, Mark D
(probably the second best bass player) and Mr. Rutmanis. I don't
understand.... they all left because as Buzz said, he didn't want to play
with them (except Lori, I remember that she was sick, I might be wrong
though) because he felt other way...

f) and finally, I remember that in the last album with Lustmord, in the
credits Buzz was credited for playing bass among other instruments. Is it
possible that Kevin was missing rehearsals or recording sessions? or is
buzzo so demanding or a control freak that had to do the bass lines himself?

I have to say that this is just theory, none of it it's true, but could
be... anyway it's not up to us to judge anyone involved in this situation,
it's only a valid question that all the fans must be wondering about. I have
to say that I wish that the melvins are still playing, I love the melvins
they are the greatest band ever, they changed music as we know it (although
so many are not able to acknowledge it) and keep doing and doing interesting
and challenging stuff everytime they can. I'll miss Kevin, but I promise
that I won't critice the new bass player that'll take over his place... even
if it's a woman. Thanks.

bs472@yahoo.com.au
Hey mark, first off great website you've got there.
interesting record reviews.

I just thought i'd drop an email to let you know the
reason why some of the tracks on the "Mangled Demos
from 1983" release by The Melvins are identified by
symbol rather than title is because Buzz couldn't
remember the names of the songs so rather than
guessing or making up song titles he decided to use
symbols instead, in typical Buzz fashion.

This is a great album. Very historically significant
in terms of where this band came from, considering the
huge effect they've had on music, even though, sadly,
even to this day, they don't get the widespread
recognition they deserve (apart from the occasional
mention by Dave Grohl).

Thanks Mark.

apollo@apple-o.com
Loved this one.

For the 1st 3/4 I'm asking myself "this is a record review???" but it was all pretty enjoyable.

conwy@hotmail.co.uk
This is a real mess of an album, but 'Bibulous Confabulation' is a real hoot.

"Give me some!"
"Nope."
"WHY NOT?... FUCKHEAD!!"

It's really really RAW, has washy-wishy-washy-wishy production and most songs sound quite similar. Still, it gets a 6.5/10. It's LOUD!

The only other demo album I've got is NoFX's GODAWFUL 'Maximum Rock n Roll', which, admittedly, the band didn't authorize. The Iron Man cover is funny though, and you can hear Fat Mike run out of breath on one of the songs too, which always cracks me up.

And to that guy talking about Buddhism, even that can be quite nasty. I think I read it in The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (who is exactly the kind of person who tries his hardest to give calm explanations and examples for things). There was a small bit about Julia Sweeney (I think?) who travelled to a Buddhist area of some country or other, and she asked about this really poor kid and took pity on him, but this Buddhist woman was like "Don't give him your pity, he was bad in his previous life!", and so Sweeney didn't do anything. To me, that seems pretty damaging.

Without sounding like a twonk, what you said back there was totally right-on Mr Prindle. Thanks.

andrew.moncrieff@virgin.net
Loved the review here, Mark. My friend Robin argued the 'net might be more insidious and damaging than TV for the reason that in a forum where everyone's opinions are basically given equal weight, none of them actually have any value. As for the Fourth Reich (or whatever it'll be called next time..."Nu Socializm" at this rate), yeah that could happen almost anywhere. I blame the French for World War II, anyway.

For my money, this has got to be one of the best Melvins albums anyone ever put out, including any by The Melvins. I know I'm supposed to say (as a "troo" fan) that I just lurrrrve Gluey and Ozma, but I really don't get a lot out of those albums (Eye Flys is an obvious exception) and this early period material pisses on those gesture-rock albums from a great height! This wasn't really HARDCORE punk, but it was great punk and I'm glad I get to hear it even if I know that, had the band broken up right after it, no one would remember it (and obviously it wasn't released to the public till long afterwards anyway).

Highlights for me include the first version of "Forgotten Principles" (did we need two versions? No, but...), "Matt-Alec" and two of the untitled tracks. Also, I really enjoy the largely identical version of "Set Me Straight" on here, with the bratty vocals, a full TEN YEARS before the Houdini version.

Do you reckon the original album would have opened with that radio show stuff? I think it's unlikely and was probably included as to make the album more an anthology of the time, but it is possible - and it would be neat to think King Buzzo and co were fucking around with the record format as far back as then.

Anyway, this is a great messy disc for any fans of early punk rock, not just Melvins fans.

Too early. They'd already tired of punk rock so this stuff is plenty slow, but it doesn't have the same
pizazz as Gluey Porch Treatments. The creepy metallic sludge
style is in place (see the GPT review for a better description; I wrote
it before this one), but most of the songs aren't too memorable. A
notable exception is the opening track, "Easy As It Was," which is really
cool. A lot of the others are just okay. But hey - you gotta start
somewhere in life, like as a baby! It's basically a good record in that
early sludgy Melvins style, but not as good as the others.

Reader Comments

qlb@hotmail.com (Louis Sweet)
Grade = 8

In this forgettable year of 1997 Princess
Di's funeral is on the tv...)-
especially
musically (with the exclusion of that fine Radiohead album & Prodigy...
maybe)-
one might wonder -or not- where that whole "grunge" revolution (repeat:
the ONLY
revolution of this decade unlike that whole Californian "punk" scene or
even that "electronica" thing that we must suffer through now... go listen
to Kraftwerk,
New Order or Ministry instead) began in the first place. Hence, the
Melvins.

And this record. Recorded on a mere 2-track, this is fine example of why
they were/
are considered "the heaviest band on this planet". Basically, it sounds
like the
Black Sabbath sound taken to a new heavier, noisier, punkier extreme.
Nothing
totally original and nothing painstakingly slow either- unlike, say, that
song
"Hag me" off Houdini. Nothing extremely fast either- with the
exception of
"Snake Appeal". It's more in the middle.... but it still kicks major arse.

Buy those instead of that guy who ripped off the Police & David Bowie or
those guys who ripped off Nirvana's entire repertoire.

Mark.Minckler@ibm.net
Snake Appeal kicks ass! A stooges tribute before kunt kobain could wipe his
ass! 7" vinyl is different versions of the cd songs, but you probably knew
that

terry808@alltel.net
In my opinion...nothing short of AMAZING.I love all of these songs.As it always has been with me and a
band,I always seem to be most enchanted by the early stuff,and this is very good from a much
younger,fresher Melvins.Awesome tracks.If you like The Melvins then you should love this.

twofiftypilot@yahoo.com (James Cadman)
This is the third Melvins disc I bought (back in 96').
Houdini and Stoner Witch were my intro to this band,
but at the time I thought 10 songs was better. Now
that I have most of their catalogue to compare it to,
I give it a high 8. It's still holds up.

eric.neuser@umusic.com
Not so good, but it's still awesome! How did they do that? Simply put, MELVINS (I do believe it only fitting that the name of a band capable of such sonic oppression should appear in all caps) are the band that kills all other bands. Grind 'em right on down to pulp. Later on you will lick their boots - "10 Songs" is merely an appetizer. Love the vox on this one - sickly! The first rumblings of a genre I like to call "bellyache" and of which only one band is capable. I don't know but - I don't FEEL so good...

gerri@mts.net
the melvins obviously rule. what are all of you dorks doing bothering people with your shitty comments about a great band? I mean, sure you got 10 songs, but does that mean that your cool? no. it means that nobody cares if you like the melvins, because you're just some dude. I'm ending this right now, because nobody gives a shit about me either. served.

So I says to the Canadian plastic surgeon, "No no, I said 'Take off, my VEST TICKLES!" Ha ha! Hello everybody and welcome to another edition of humor courtesy of "the Record Reviewin' Phunnyman" Mark "The Wild Joker" Prindle, "The Sultan of Laughter"! Today I'll be telling you hilarious rib-ticklers about the latest Melvins release, 26 Songs. Which reminds me of a great line: So I says to the record clerk who moonlights as a plastic surgeon, "No no, I said 'I want 26 SONGS!'" Ha ha! Come one, come all! The Comedy Circus is back in town and Mark Prindle's home to roost your funnybone!

If I may be serious for a moment, this CD is just an extension of the band's 10 Songs CD, featuring alternate - yet surprisingly similar - versions of EIGHT of the songs already on that disc ("Grinding Process," "At A Crawl" and "Snake Appeal" are all on here THREE GODDAMNED TIMES!!!!). Also featured and guaranteed to appeal to "hot-heads" and "holocaust revisionists" in the peanut gallery are a super-early version of Houdini's substandard "Set Me Straight" (or as I've been known to call it back in my day, "The Kinks' 'Where Have All The Good Times Gone' But With No Vocal Melody At All"), FOURTEEN MINUTES worth of morons talking about nothing, a weak unreleased pounder and two insane hardcore shouters (less than a minute long each!) that were recorded with a penis from the sound of it.

On the up side, the 10 Songs CD has been out of print and very difficult to find for the past several years, plus the original ten songs DO actually begin to seem more and more likable and melodic every time you hear them. But on the down side, if you happen to already own 10 Songs, there's not much in the 16 bonus tracks to justify buying a whole new CD to replace your old copy (as I did). Unless you're all super-excited to hear slightly faster versions of "At A Crawl" and "2 Pencil" -- which are actually REALLY friggin funny for a reason I will outline in the next sentence. Unlike every other band in the universe, as the Melvins became more comfortable with their material, they SLOWED IT DOWN! Bands don't do that! Look at the Ramones -- by the time they recorded We're Outta Here!, "Blitzkrieg Bop" was only fourteen seconds long! And you know that part in the middle of the CD where Joey grunts, "YEAAH!!!"? That's "Judy Is A Punk" in its entirety!!!

So what is the deal with all this porn on the Internet? Little kids can see it any time they want! Why, back in my day if we wanted an erection, we had to buy an ERECTOR SET!!! Ha ha ha! Yeah YOU know what I'm talkin' 'bout! Remember Erector Sets? How about my favorite -- Connect Four? Yeah! You know what I'm talkin' about! Great game! But why would kids today have any need for "Connect Four" when they're just a mouse click away from "Connect WHORE"?????? HA HAHAH YEAH!!! You know what I'm talkin' about!

If you are interested in a full transcription of "The Record Reviewin' Phunnyman" Mark "The Wild Joker" Prindle, "The Sultan of Laughter"'s INTERNET PORN monologue (excerpted above), that's great.

Reader Comments

dead-beat@socal.rr.com (Taeil Kim)
Wow I just had an urge to remember and think about them and look at them critically.

The Melvins are a current band, well King Buzzo should be soley credited, as halfway helping out pop culture revolution in the past ten years by Nirvana's fame. Come on Kurt Cobain looked up to to the band and tried to play with them. But either way they totally cemented the Seattle hard rock scene.... What truly matters is how you can look at this band and see what they've accomplished. They're a band of the twenty plus years and the BUZZ has created just this incredible amount of music. He should be up there with anyone else that has spurted so much shit....

Yeah well so anyway I think Cobain will be rolling in his grave for he won't be able to listen to what the Melvins have shit, belched, and cummed out. Here's what he Buzz did: fucking make this trilogy where the band concentrates on reflecting the styles they have dabbled in the their careers. I'm referring to Bootlicker, the Maggot, and Crybaby. You see since most of their fans don't love everything they do and have mixed feelings about most of their albums. But with this, the band solves this problem by indulging in their styles album by album. I hate the side of the death metal of the Melvins. I mean I never really cared for Gluey Porch Treatments (I rather enjoyed much of the liner notes of the reissue however) but if you loved that shit, well then you must have loved what the Maggot was. I liked the eerie experimental and pyschedalic side of the band, where they were the most atmospheric. That's why Bootlicker and Crybaby totally kicks it for me. The trilogy was a very pat on the back move. Thanks Buzz you've gained admiration and respect from me.

Adrian.Stancer@rhul.ac.uk
I went with my mate Dave ( above cheers mate ) to the fourm in london to see
the Melvins for the first time , had the best experence listening to them (
and a good few pints ) a peformance that could not be equiled by any band ,
thanks guys for giving me the knowlage that music hasent died , the whole
experance was worth my weight in gold

9904352O@student.gla.ac.uk (Tom Osman)
I have never had a less enjoyable lisnening experience than the time I spent
with this CD! Trully, Never! I feel like the Melvins must be of some value
and I just picket the wrong one as an introduction...but its gonna be a long
time before I give them another shot. Really, Really bloody pants! Soggy
bloody pants infact!

Amazing. You won't believe that your stereo is
actually on the right speed. These songs take FOREVER!!! They just poke
along like a turtle getting kicked in the ass by a bitter old Mexican (or
related Latino). The singer sounds like a violent muppet, and the mostly dinky songs
have more tempo and rhythm changes than a monkey eating a box of fleas. There, that's two stupid animal metaphors. My quota has been reached.

Gluey Porch Treatments is a very creative (though hardly accessible) release, and is thus
well worth repeated listenings; it may take a while for the style
to suddenly make sense, but it eventually does. At first, you just think to
yourself, "Why aren't they playing any riffs?" but after about four listens,
the riffs suddenly become clear. They ARE normal Black Sabbath-esque riffs;
it's the arrangements that are mucked out the humding. They always throw in
an extra beat or speedy little 3-note break when you least expect it. What
baffles me is how damn tight they are, considering how darning unnatural all
the tunes are. It rules!

I promise you, after letting these
19 songs sink into your unwilling system for a week or so, you'll never be
able to go back to "normal" grunge. Soundgarden's Louder Than Love,
for example, sounds about as interesting as a Taylor Swift record after grappling
with this thing. The tunes are surprisingly complicated in such a pleasing manner
that those bullshit cock riffs that Cornell and the boys lumped out one after the other
will just make you wanna make that obnoxious "jerkin' off" motion with your left
hand (unless you're a girl, in which case you probably don't have a male
sexual organ). Not that I'm knocking Soundgarden as a concept. I actually really like
Cornell's voice - but I love King Buzzo's more! At this period in the band's
history, their bassist was Matt Lukin, but the band left for San Francisco
soon afterwards, and Matt stuck around to form Mudhoney, who are reviewed
elsewhere on my site!!!!

If you aren't running out to buy this album yet,
let me point out that the songs have titles like "Over From Under The Excrement,"
"Bitten Into Sympathy," and "Don't Piece Me." NOW?????

Reader Comments

qlb@hotmail.com (Louis Sweet)
This definitely seems to be the Melvins album to have from the early
era. It is much heavier and grungier than Ozma, which is several
years newer. As a whole, it is so powerful and raw. Possibly the
ultimate extreme in both of those adjectives. The difference is, Gluey
Porch Treatments shifts moods and tempos constantly, whereas Ozma is
just unbearably bitter all the time. But both kick ass and you need
both! Much more original than anything at the time...

kavrbck@megsinet.net (David Averback)
One of the best albums ever. It's very much like 10 songs except slowed
down even more and made even heavier. A must for anyone who even thinks
they like grunge.

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
Anyone who claims to know anything at all about grunge and hasnt
heard this Melvins outing- Gluey Porch Treatments - doesnt know dick.
This is the combo that grunge was supposed to be: metal and punk, with a
dash of 70's hard rock. Instead of recognizing this bone crunching, yet
melodic and rythmically dizzying amalgam of pure gems as the pioneering
grunge record, the media focused on lame bands like Pearl Jam and the
like. Man, its amazing to think that so many ppl actually bought the
hard rock sound that crappy so-called grunge bands tried to pass off as
fresh or original. If you're looking for tension filled songs, metal
hooks, heavyass riffs, sludgy drumbeats, and an insane vocalist then
Melvins is definately your cup of tea. Mark did a great job in rating
this album, it really is a ten once you listen to it- really listen to
it. This album should be easy enough to find. I believe it was
rereleased on Boner as split CD with Ozma. You won't regret this one-
it kicks ass.

rerun@willapabay.org (bodah67)
I am glade you gave a ten on the glooey porch treatment it just rocks so
much there is no other album like it.

the melvins kick ass

cheryle@nighthawknet.com
LEEECH IS THE COOLEST FUCKING SONG ON THE WHOLE ALBUM. THAT IS THE BEST
MELVINS SONG OF ALL TIME. Buy the record just to hear it live. It rules.
"coughing up blood, I think I've had enough".

rlaxdal@mts.net (Rhonda Laxdal)
In a more perfect world Gluey Porch Treatments should have blown that
shiity 80's retro music out of the water, ending it's reign of
uglyiness. Heavier than metal, To smart for the average metalhead.
Play this loud and play it proud. No one will top this, Ever.

chumpchange@yahoo.com (Juan Epstein)
When faced with the current wave of sub-Sabbath
"stoner rock" (Fu Manchu, Nebula, anything on Man's
Ruin), I'm constantly reminded of how the Melvins
tower over these newcomers when it comes to producing
the "maximum heavyosity." Some of said bands come
close (see Sleep's "Holy Mountain") but as far as
competing with the band that defined a sound, there
are next to no challengers. "Gluey Porch Treatments"
is the hallmark upon which all others must be
measured. To those who have doubt in their hearts I
give them my guarantee that conversion will take place
after seeing the Melvins live (pick a spot up front).

A quick correction: yes, "Leeech" is amazing but it's
not a Melvins song. It is a cover of a Green River tune.

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
although i'm quite a fresh Melvin fan, i think i was born to it. every
once in a year, it seems i stumble upon a Melvins album.
in 96 i stumbled upon "stoner witch" and last year "stag". then this
year, i stumbled upon Gluey Porch Treatments. the timing was perfect
to put the needle on this baby. i was just
going through a vinyl-collection and i needed something creepy, something
heavy, something dangerous to put on while i was shuffling through the rest
of the collection. you can tell it's a scary album, cuz it's a Melvins album and they
have always been scary to me. ever since i saw the covers on the solo-ep's
and that blury pictures on the "stoner witch" album.
anyhoo, i put that shit on and a creepy bassline started filling the
room. it was dark outside, still snowy and it was kinda late.
yezz, it was Eye Flys. infact that was the only RIFF i can remember
hearing. today i can't get enough of that slowly building monster which
kick-starts a otherwise dark and complex sludge-album. complex in the sense that
they do so many chord- and pace- changes in matter of seconds, you just can't
get it the first time you hear it. it's fokkin' impossible. otherwise it's a
very one-sounding album flowing together as a whole. it's like a monster
slowly waking up - goes out and raises hell and eventually dies.
i think that's a great concept. but i don't think any other band alive
could do that or even think of a concept like that than the Melvs.
i don't know exactly how many times i've listened through this album,
but i still haven't figured out side B yet... "eye flys", "leeech" and my favorite track "echo head" (is that "don't
piece me" with the guitar-solo?) even so, them tracks (2 & 3) flow together
as one hell of a ride. i think i'll keep trying to figure this album out to
the day i die. i don't think i'll ever get to sing along or play along buzz &
co. on this one. you just can't keep up. not with the fast songs, anyway...

danzig9@hotmail.com (Daniel Lawrence)
I haven't had this record very long but I've listened to it about twenty
plus times now and I think it's so fucking cool (I threw the 'fucking' in
there for emphasis). The whole sound is like a big sludgey, grimey, syrupy
slow ooze of metal!! The first time I had the patience to sit through the
first four tracks, I was drunk out of my mind, but it really got to me. The
weirdo tempo changes, the riffs, King Buzzo's voice (Mark's description of
it sounding like an angry muppett is the best description I think possible),
and the drumming are so damn neat. I think the the real heart of this album
comes from the drums. I don't know how to describe it, but even when Dale
Crover is playing slow he still comes up with these really heavy plodding
along of beats and tons of awesome cymbal crashes. Throughout this album
he's just continuously playing the drums like no one else I've ever heard
and it rules!! It took me a while to get into this, because it sure isn't
very accessible, but it was worth it. My favorites tracks would have to be
the first four, "Exact Paperbacks" (which is only like a minute but the riff
and off tempo beats are SO AWESOME), "Bitten into Sympathy" (with King
Buzzo's voice sounding the most comical in my opinion but in a truly cool
way), and "As It was" (just because it's so darn catchy and could have been
turned into shit by some other band, but with the Melvins' magic it's
great).

All around a fantastic listen. Couldn't give it a 10 because I haven't heard
any other Melvins, but if this was the only one out there it would really be
the 10.

terry808@alltel.net
Excellent studio debut.All of the songs are great.Most of the songs are sluggish and at the same
time,punkish.Many of these songs stand out to be true classics.In my opinion,OZMA is a little more
focused and cuts down on the one-minute-tracks,but all of the songs take shape and are awesome.

Wispy187@aol.com
three words: drum fade out

uglytruth@hotmail.com (Hossein Nayebagha)
Zzzz...yeah right, part of the old times heavy slow slow slow sludgefeast
and then what ? nada. You know I used to be into all this stuff,and all you
needed to gain my attention was to tune down the guitars,get a thick heavy
bass and voila, you got good music...however I never really fell for this
one although there were some songs I digged, hard to remember the titles
'cause it's all on my Ozma/GPT version..but it was the first one,then "Don't
Piece Me" and "Leeech". But don't you ever get tired of that shit...I mean
what else does it offer than heaviness ? I'd take a chance and say that if
you actually asked Melvins,they'd say the album pretty much sucks and that's
part of their attitude that's really amusing at times while very annoying at
others...I can't say anything about the mid-period releases of the band
because I haven't heard them but the first two parts of that trilogy are way
better than this piece. Oh,so they have wierd tempo changes...big fuckin'
deal...it's just such nonsence..and that drummer..Dale Crover-can he do
anything more interesting than BANG BANG BANG BANG..oh yeah let's hit the
drumset the hardest we can...what a brilliant masterpiece.I supose I
shouldn't be so negative and relate to all the praise you people give it but
I just can't help it- you know I really hate it when people don't understand
slow heavy shit, when they can't handle anything that's not GO GO GO! but
I've been part of this and I know what the hell I'm talking about. 4/10
(would have been a lot less if it wasn't A BIT distinctive from traditional
rock).

stevenjules@xtra.co.nz
Shit, one persons TRASH is another persons TREASURE, thats what separates us from the MONKEYS, Beavis and butt-head summed it up perfectly when they said, you need the BAD SHIT because thats what makes the really cool stuff, really COOL, you'll be better equiped to subjectively listen to all the CRAP music thats out there, because you know, that there is much better shit than that, right HERE. Bands like the Melvins, the 3d's, Tall Dwarfs, the Datsuns, Head like a Hole, Wendy House, there's HUNDREDS of them, yes even you, BOB MOULD, help raise the BAR, and if only YOU like it, well thats THEIR loss, right? I'll be the first, to ADMIT I have been disappointed with the MELVINS, (Honky, Singles but not Prick) but thats the charm, the challenge, they are pure GENIUS. A lot of early releases/debuts TANKED because not everyone in the band is HAPPY with it, but they must have known right from the START, that this is how they wanted to SOUND, because all the other albums are right HERE. For a band that changes so MUCH, they have remained so CONSTANT. The DRUM sound, no one else sounds quite like this, the big GAPS in songs, which aren't really big GAPS, the SHORT songs, the QUIET songs, the LOUD songs, the changes in TEMPO...Hell, I think I'll BONG up now and subjectivly listen to this. (thats not true I just wrote it for effect)

Comment: They are not everyones cup of char, I had a friend that once said, the Melvins made her feel like throwing up, she needed something safe like PINK FLOYD, I told her safe PINK FLOYD made me feel like throwing up.

This was in reference to the "Eye Flys" intro. I think it was mostly in reference to the humming guitar tone. It's not loud (not yet - it'll be howling in a minute before the song proper starts), but it seems to waft and permeate completely. Enjoy it while it lasts I suppose 'cos shit's gonna get ugly and dense and wholly abstracted for the next 30 minutes or so. You think you like heavy metal? You like BIG RIFFS? I love it when people complain 'cos the tunes don't make sense. But I thought you liked riffage? Nothin' but riffage here babychild - no tunes to get in the way and muddle it up nohow (except "Leeech" perhaps - and it's OK, but I'd say it's the lowpoint). The $100,000 music school word for it is "through composed" - don't wait for another verse/chorus/bridge to come around so you can figure it out 'cos it's significantly less than likely. Lotsa folks dig MELVINS, but if I may be so bold I'd like to suggest that Gluey Porch Treatments separates the Girl Scouts from the Brownies.

irontyrant@earthlink.net (Michael Grefski)
If Lurch could lurch like a lurch could lurch than this album is genius
in slowest motion. Impossible to dance to, doubtful one could headbang
to it, GLUEY PORCH TREATMENTS is a testament to molten rock depth with
weird, unpredicatable tempo shifts, impossible to predict after a dozen
listens. Match this with the band's own OZMA and BULLHEAD, whilst
chugging a mug of Winter's "Into Darkness," chased with a fifth of
Disembowelement's "Transcendence Into The Peripheral," all the while
digging on Thergothon's immortal doze classic "Stream From The Heavens,"
and you will either have the entire essence of DOOM planted feverently
in yer soul, or you'll be dead from the appropriatley appropriate
alcoholoic accompaniment to such a sonic slo-mo binge. The Melvins
created the concept that there is essence after the sludgiest riffs fade
into solace...there is life in the afterglow, after all, the theeth of
lions rule the divine, and cough syrup goes down well after a pleasant
evening of sombient aural satisfaction.

steve.robey@mindspring.com
Geez, I just don't quite "get" this one, I guess. I love the crap out
of the Melvins, but this one just leaves me cold. Better than Ozma,
I'll admit, but not as good as Bullhead or almost everything that came
after Bullhead. The version of GPT I have is tacked on as a bonus
album at the end of my Ozma CD, and I've always felt that the recording
never did justice to the interesting songs. Sounds really flat, like
it was recorded in a shoebox. Is it just me? Plus I think the songs
are too short to really get going. (and I love the Minutemen, by the
way). Maybe I'm just a fan of the later, more experimental Melvins,
but I really want to love this album. I'll try again I guess. 6/10

briantheisen84@yahoo.com
Dunno about this one...every now and again I dig it out to see if I'll like it and now I guess it's okay, due to my current interest in post-metal bands (i.e. Isis, Pelican, etc.) that owe their existance to this. But I was really disapointed when I finally got it (got my expectations up by your review). It may sound like an angry man living in your speakers who wants to kill you, but I can't tell one song from another on here at times. Well, Leech is cool with the drum coda, but after the first three songs I get bored. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of pre-Atlantic Melvins, because I prefer them with the experimental elements combined with the heaviness.

spinaltomek@hotmail.com
The songs take forever? Six of them are less than one minute and only four over three minutes long! that's a pretty quick forever, if you ask me. true, the album is slow, and kind of hypnotizing. very brutal and heavy. great sound, great band, very cool album! i can't really distinguish the single songs from each other, but who cares?

There's also a band called Ozma, but they sound like Weezer and have no talent. I don't like this record as much as the last one.
The style is very similar and just as difficult to penetrate, but repeated
listenings reveal much fewer eccentricities and far more generic three-chord
riffs. It's nice to have a Melvins in the world, but even dumb old Mr. Me
needs a hook to sink my teeth into every once in a while, whether there's
a real worm on there or just one of those smelly rubber things. There are
still lots of terrific tunes on here, mind you; it's just that, unlike the
first album, certain tracks on this one seem kind of weak and unnecessary.
The main thing is that, with Gluey, they had created a brand new
monster. Here, after THREE YEARS they could have spent coming up with a
new kick, they've basically created nothing more than a slightly less
interesting wife of said monster. It's a unique style, sure, but you can't
just do the same thing over and over again in life. Except smoke reefer,
of course, aww now you're balking my Claudell Washington.

It's still basically a really entertaining album, though, and the poppy "Love
Thang" is a nice break from the bitter rock action.

Reader Comments

csdtemp.temp@sun.com
"love thang" is a faithful cover of the kiss instrumental "love theme
(from kiss)" off their debut kiss. i do believe melvins cover the
cars candy-o on this one too. other melvins' kiss covers include god of
thunder and goin' blind... they've also been known to cover Peter
Green's the green manalishi (w/the two-pronged crown). melvins were at
their best between bullhead and stoner witch-- anyone who shelled out
$14 for prick or honky figured this out the hard way!

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
I'll agree that this album is one-dimensional. The tempo never
seems to let up. But I have to put in my two cents here- Lorax plays
some wicked bass on this album man! There is such a juicy tone to the
bass and she uses chords and stuff. It's pretty damn cool. Maybe its
just me, but this album is much slower than GPT. I think this is the
album that set the stage for classics like "Hag Me". While its not
classic itself, it paved the way for some interesting tunes. Oh and
dont forget that it must have been somewhat inspirational, cuz Helmet
covered the first song, "Oven". Even if helmet sux that counts for
something. Right?

chill666@hotmail.com (Craig Hill)
Well I will start with Ozma cause it' s teh first Melvins Album I've got.
Oven Is awesome as is let god be your gardener, Now I am baiting myself here
cause I haven't heard Gluey Porch Treatments But I am getitng it now.
Personally I have a habit of skipping between Bullhead & Ozma as my standard
Melvins Early stuff bu tas I think about it more Bullhead is more memorable
but hey if you ask me it's worth it for oven

" i Could have sworn I gave my wedding ring to you"

rerun@willapabay.org (bodah67)
boner 1989 album is alot better than a rating of 8
it should be a high 10 and over.
I live in raymond washington near aberdeen and i have been a fan of the
melvins for a long time before i was a fan of nirvana. nirvana are one of my
favorite bands to.

jbush1@tampabay.rr.com (Justin Bush)
I can't beleive that there are no true Melvins fans out
there with thoughts on Dead Dressed! I was fortunate enough to get Ozma as my first Melvins
album. I got it around '91, so I wasn't too far behind
the times, as far as the Melvins go. I still feel, to this day, that Dead Dressed and Cranky
Messiah are, by far, the best "one-two punch" in all of the Melvins' discography!

terry808@alltel.net
Even better than Gluey Porch.More focused,polished songs,and all of these stand out as classics.All of
these songs are over one minute and have the best of both sides,being slow and sluggish or fast and very
punky.One of the best that they have ever released.

johncarson@ntlworld.com
Actually i think this albums pretty shit and deseres about 4 out of 10. I got Gluey Porch Treatments free
with this album and it totally kicks its ass. Ozma is dull.

(a few weeks later)

Actually ever since writing that little comment above there iv'e done nothing but listen to this album. It's
actually not that bad......heck it's even what i'd call good, if you're a Melvis fan that is, which i am.
If you like the Melvins then 7 or 8 out of 10.
If not then about 2 probably.

kevin.by@selby.no
i agree to a certain extent wit MR. Prindle here. it's pretty close to GLUEY PORCH but i
think OZMA is closer to BULLHEAD in many ways. for instance, here you miss the fast
punk-rock numbers you got on GLUEY. the fast twists and turns.
OZMA is pretty much slowed down to the speed of like, ZODIAC, ANACONDA and WITH TEETH.
it resembles much of the slower parts of GLUEY but that's about it.
just listen to CRANKY MESSIAH - it could just as well been a BULLHEAD track.
other favorite off OZMA are OVEN and LET GOD BE YR GARDENER.

uglytruth@hotmail.com (Hossein Nayebagha)
As I mentioned on my comments regarding the previous record, it's not that
easy for me to make a clear distinction between the two...but I still know
enough to say that I actually think that this one is better than Gluey Porch
Treatments; atleast it rocks. That's the main difference that I can see;
this one has more rockin' riffs while GPT has more heavy ones of which few
are enough interesting. 5/10.

eric.neuser@umusic.com
I'd call this one a "prog rock masterwork" but I hate progressive rock and besides there's no elves or gnomes or magic scepters involved (though the moo-moos the band wore on stage last time I saw them are dangerously close to the Rush "2112" era kimonos). "Ozma" is an ass kicker for sure and all this and that and it's great and waa-hoo and whatnot, but I find it the least satisfying of the pre-Atlantic label recordings as the production is very clean-yet-thin. True MELVINS mass is not quite achieved. It's also chock full of micro-data in a way that I don't think holds true for the previous or subsequent recordings - this is by no means a bad thing in and of itself, but I wonder if little more danger and fury in the production might help put it over (this view running counter to traditional production wisdom of course). I like to feel crunched by the very air I breathe when listening to MELVINS like the molecules have doubled in weight. I like to feel like I'm eating a giant mud pie in bed - so SCREW ya!

If you read comic books like a little boy, perhaps you've run across Brian Walsby's Manchild publication. Having grown out of 'the funny papers' around the age of eight, I am fortunate enough to say I've never heard of, let alone set eyes on, this collection of drawings for second graders. Yes, perhaps you're a member of the "comix" subculture of supposedly 'adult' males who sit around and masturbate to scribbles of naked unicorns, but being an overweight Star Wars fan living in my parents' basement has never been one of my ambitions so we'll have to agree to unagree on comics, except The Lockhorns or as I call it The Fucken Hilarious Lockhorns.

At any rate, you have to buy Walsby's Manchild 3 to hear this EP so do yourself a favor and order it online so you don't have to go into one of those Loser Comic Book Stores full of Losers and risk getting infected by their Loser Virus. Here are a few quick examples to help you remember what time it is:

Guy With Long Hair Banging His Head To A Death Angel Song - Winner
Guy With Long Hair Pulled Back Into A Pony Tail - Loser
Guy With Long Hair Playing A Blistering Hammer-on Solo - Rhodes Scholar
Guy With Long Hair Reading A Bunch Of Tits Somebody Drew - Community College Janitor
Glenn Danzig - Pushing It

Now that I've made my case for the intellectual superiority of sophomoric music over juvenile literature, let's discuss the Making Love Demos EP by Buzz "Ozzy" Osborne, Dale "Little Blue Guy On Sesame Street" Crover, and Matt "I'm Quitting Right After We Record This To Go Join Mudhoney" Lukin. Recorded after Gluey Porch Treatments, these eight songs were the first stirrings of the aural ugliness and bitterment that would define Ozma. In fact, four of the songs wound up re-recorded on that very album! The other four are, as far as I can tell, exclusive to this release. Five of the songs are dinky (shorter than two minutes) and two are gigantic (longer than five and a half minutes), leaving a mere one song of average length (2:55). This tragedy must be avenged. Thank God somebody had the moral guts to point it out in a review.

After eight billion years of not figuring it out, I just figured out why the early Melvins stuff sounds so bizarre and unlike your normal heavy metal bands down here at the bathhouse. It's because drummer Dale Crover emphasizes every chord change that the guitar makes. Rather than providing a solid backbeat, he accents exactly what Buzz and the bassist are doing, nearly all the time! And considering the unorthodox timing that Buzz tended to use back then, this resulted in some extremely strange sludgey stop-start "roll"-less rock music!

It's bitter, slow music. Not a lot of sunshine or righteous headbanging came from this particular era of the Melvins. It's worth it to hear the rare songs though, if you're a fan. The minute-long trudge-stomper "Dime Lined Divided" is particularly good, as are most parts of the multi-part "Vile Vermillion Vacancy" (one section even sounds optimistic!). "Excess Pool" is ugly My War sludge-slop though, and "We Got Worries Here" isn't much better. Look, let's be clear about this: I really like the Melvins. Even listening to their output of this period, when their songwriting was more standoffish and pissy than I prefer, I still derive enjoyment from their idiosyncratic approach and bizarre chord and time changes. So that's why I'm trashing the hell out of this 21-minute piece a shit and then giving it a 7 out of 10.

Here's a little riddle to make it more clear:

Q: Why did Mark Prindle say the Melvins EP was ugly and slow, and then give it a 7?

A: Who cares, he doesn't even like Emerson, Lake and Palmer! Name me any three musicians that are better at there instruments, fag.

There is no easier-to-comprehend example of pure
heavy mean screwy Melvinism than this fine little record. Dumping all the
little dinky tunes that baffled listeners worldwide (okay, me) on the
first two albums, the Melvos here give us eight fully-developed songs, most
of which are as good as anything on the last two albums.
Ugly, menacing, and occasionally upsetting in its pokiness, this might be
a good place to start your Melvins collection.

The songs have better hooks than
Ozma, are a bit easier to follow than Gluey Porch Treatments, and
pound the heck out of you as well as anything on either, thanks to the
bludgeoning beats of Mr. Dale Crover,
who sincerely deserves the respect of little drummer boys every ol' place.

"Zodiac" has a hilarious rhythm-wrecking fingerslide up the guitar neck at the
end of each line, "Boris" repeats two trudging bendy puke chords over and
over for like eight minutes, "Cow" ends with a two-minute turtle-paced drum
solo, "It's Shoved" was by a wide margin the most
normal song they'd written to date (but good!), and the other four? Why, they sound like
The Melvins!

Bullhead captures the
band at a very important crossroads in their career, when they were still one
of the most creative and intelligent bands in the world, yet had added enough
structure to their songs to lure in at least a few fans of normal
heavy metal. God, just put the needle at the beginning of side one and
listen to that disturbingly low-pitched fuzz guitar quivering and shivering
like a slow-witted psychopath drawing closer and closer to the breaking point,
at which point several sorority girls get sliced to bits in their dorm rooms.
This kinda crap happens, folks! That's why I heart revenge. There's no excuse
for us normal folk having to worry about our loved ones being raped and
murdered every time we leave their sides. May all those who harm you suffer
and slowly die.

Now, I'm not sure if I warned you about this or not, so I should
do so here - it is possible that you will find early Melvins to be
some of the least pleasing music you've ever heard. The music is extremely slow and sometimes
appears to be going nowhere at all. It's kind of an acquired taste. For years,
I denied them their place in my Favorite Bands Catalog because I just couldn't sit still long
enough to sit through one of their records. Even then, I knew they had
something special - I just knew I wasn't ready for it yet. Now I'm a little
bit older and a little bit slower, and this stuff is music to my ears! (?) I
thoroughly enjoy that which is different from the other things. As such,
the retro-as-fork Jon Spencer Blues Explosion make me want to mangle a guy
(though not necessarily Jon Spencer, mind you), and the Melvins and Cows and
Thinking Fellers and whatnot just bring out the "wow" in me. It wouldn't kill
you to give it a try, would it? I know it's annoying, and they know it's annoying,
but it's really not hard to tell that they're smart as a whip. Who else but
a band of rare intelligence would think to take the most stereotypically
stupid genre of rock music around and turn it into an excruciatingly unnatural
blend of the obvious and the blatantly WRONG???? Now, it's true that there
may be heavier bands out there, but
most of them at least try to create a pleasant batch of melodies for you.

And therein lies the secret of the Melvins - they strive to
irritate.

Reader Comments

erik@suntattoo.com
This is THE album, complete, thick and thunderous. "Bullhead" says it
all.

Mark.Minckler@ibm.net
creepy crover!

chill666@hotmail.com (Craig Hill)
Great album of course you will probalby hate it first time you hear it but
get into the songs and they will always be with you, Boris, It's shoved and
Zodiac are the three that immediatley come to mind. I cant get over how good
it's shoved is and if you have pitch control on your Record player it sounds
really good on all speeds ( I prefer really fasst 33rpm). The drum solo is
nice and frustrating to make people suffer to cause there is no sense of
rhythm at all ( until you know it, beat by beat)

get it, It's the shit

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James Tichenor)
Well, Mark, there's not much I can add to say to what you've already
pointed out here. I do think you are being too kind though. Anyone who
can't appreciate Bullhead obviously is not really listening to the
music. This stuff is anything but dull. If you play this album loud,
and just sit there listening to it it will take you places. Man, words
just don't explain it.

geedot@enter.net
This one did take me a while to understand and love, but once it's in your
system it ain't gonna come out. Boris really does it for me, too bad at the
one Melvins concert I saw they didn't play it.

avburgess@hotmail.com (Aaron Burgess)
As perfectly realized and executed an album as, say, Sonic Youth's
Daydream Nation, albeit for entirely different reasons.
Bullhead is the kind of album a band is lucky enough to make only once
in its career -- although most bands never get close. But I'm being
redundant here; your review is right on.

Jimthompsontlc@aol.com
The phrase "I played this one so much, I wore it out" holds true for
me on this one. I have hundreds of records, and didn"t even think you could
"wear out" a record, but I tell you one thing. I wore this sucker out. I
bought another copy! The Melvins live show during this point of thier career, was one
of the most incredible things you could experience. You havn't lived if this record doesn't make sense to you. Try it
again in a few years, you''ll understand then.

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
if only i got to choose over again after the first listen to this
album, i would`ve picked the vinyl edition instead of the CD edition.
i bought the CD which makes 7 sloooow and monotonious tracks just
gimme nothing (It`s Shoved excluded). the music on Bullhead must have heavy
production and "big" production to take effect. the Melvins may have
tried to make actual songs but only It`s Shoved work well in a format like
this. i don`t know how this album works on vinyl, but this CD recording
doesn`t punch me in the ribbs as Bullhead should be able to do. when i put
Gluey Porch Treatments on my turntable and rock the house with Eye Flys, i
can feel Dale`s poundings and feel my spine vibrate when Matt and Buzzo
pulls a string. in comparison, the groove of Boris doesn`t work that way.
well, i say it should! it`s the only downside to, really.

well, i`m gonna buy the vinyl format as soon as i get a hold of some
more money and have the patience to wait another month for it to arrive
Norway.

Favorite track, anyway: Anaconda!

mrdelish@webtv.netBullhead is without question,THE BEST MELVINS ALBUM,EVER! All you have
to do is listen to it over and over again. It's Shoved is the heaviest
song ever. Man,I love this record.

mattorgloss@yahoo.com
Being a Nirvana fan I noticed that Milk It from In
Utero sounds like a direct rip-off of It's Shoved.
I don't know if this is a good thing.

terry808@alltel.net
Another jurassic journey of heavy-punk.With this album they plunge deeper into the realm of more great 3
chord riffs and their trademark style,and like Ozma,this is another very focused album,with great songs.A
mix of fast and slow,and only 8 songs.Short but very awesome.

C4h2u0K@aol.combullhead is beautiful

a_leost@club-internet.fr (Alain_Léost)
On top of the heavy albums, with "Paranoid" and "Tyranny and mutation". "Bullhead" is maybe scarier.

tarquam@comcast.net (John Howard)
If you speed Boris up to 45 rpm on that ol record player of yours, it
sounds just like Soundgarden. Really.

This fun-size single features two Flipper covers by our favorite batch
of Melvins. The mix is terrible and distorted (similar to the Cows'
"One O'Clock High" single), "Love Canal" drags on too long and lacks the
infectious energy of Flipper's version, and b-side "Someday" wasn't a
terribly good song to begin with. Notent notables include a funny
wiggly vocal effect on side A and a differently-sung chorus on side B
(Flipper sang it as "Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome day";
Melvins sing it as "Some daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay").
Not a must-not-own, but certainly a not-must-own.

More importantly though, how about our new "Ghetto Christmas Tree"? The
wife and I ran across a gigantic tree while shopping last night, paid
our 75 dollar, and dragged her home only to discover that she's too big
for our tree stand to adequately support! So now, our "Ghetto Christmas
Tree" is being held up by (a) a length of twine tied AND TAPED
between the tree and the ladder-bar of our CD cabinet, (b) a 25-pound
barbell holding down the back leg of the tree stand, (c) a small bottle
of moisturizing cream propping up the front leg of the tree stand, and
(d) both a knife and a small plastic make-up case propping up the right
leg of the tree stand. If any of these items are touched between now
and Christmas, the tree is going to topple forward and set the entire
city on fire. Welcome to our "Ghetto Christmas Tree"! It will be an
absolute Christmas Miracle if it's still standing upright by the end of
the day, let alone the end of the holiday season. You hear me? Let it
alone.

Here's my impression of the dumbest asshole in the world: "Hay, let's
form a band and call it 'Malfunkshun.' No, not 'Malfunction' --
'Malfunkshun.' Like 'funk' because we're 'funky,' and then
'shun,' for no reason whatsoever. Also, I'm a stupid asshole."

I hope you've enjoyed my warm-hearted impression of the late Andrew
Wood, who tragically passed away at the tender age of 24 following a
long and valiant battle against drug overdose.

This 7" single features a cover of Malfunkshun's "With Yo' Heart, Not
Yo' Hands," along with two Melvins originals. Although I've never heard
Malfunkshun, I was none too surprised to learn that "WYH, NYH" falls
neatly into the 'bitter, pissy dark rock/metal' subgenre whose succulent
orbs Green River was also wont to masticate in the pre-grunge era. It's
a good song though! (the Melvins version, anyway)

Side B starts right things kicking off with a typically awesome menacing
Melvins metal riffer called "Four Letter Woman," but then lays a goosey
egg with jokey funk pastiche "Anal Satan," which I'm told was an angry
fist-shaking at Sub Pop Records (hence the comments "Now Jon, you are
really being such a prick" and "You know Bruce, you're really being such
a prick"), but there might be more going on, who knows. I was never a
Seattle insider, and now's no time to strat!

It's not often enough in today's society that a record company will pony up and respond to a band's dream of issuing a one-sided 8" Flexi-Single, but Slap-A-Ham was... eh. pbl.

The title track, previously available on Bullhead, is featured here in a live San Francisco 1989 performance featuring Lori on bass. If you dont know the song, it's slow and bendy-note with some chords and whatnot. The bass drives the song with octave jumps and strange time signature changes as the guitar feeds back and utters noise. It's a solid SICK song, just like everything on Bullhead. I can remember the last time I gave a bull head and believe me, it was no... eh. pbl.

The second track is a demo studio song called "Pronoun Piece Me" that was recorded with Matt Lukin on bass at February 1986 to the same session that 10 Songs came of. FUCKEN PREPOSITIONS CAN EAT A... eh. pbl.

"Pronoun Piece Me" is an early version of Gluey Porch Treatments's slow sludgy creeping slop of heavy Sabbath chords "Don't Piece Me" that excitingly ends with one of the members making a Frankenchrist reference!!!! I'm not sure who it is, but somebody says, "That's all there is... and there ain't no more" -- a delightfully timely quote from DH Peligro's "Hellnation," track three on side one of the Dead Kennedys' at-the-time-recently-released third LP. And just several years later, The Melvins' dream would come true and they would be RECORDING THEIR OWN ALBUMS with Mr. Jello Biafra of Dead Kennedys fortune!!!!!! Isn't the entertainment world a magical kingdom? For example, at my tenth birthday party I met Richard Thomas of The Waltons fame, and just 24 years later, here I am fellating him for HIS birthday!!!! eh. pbl.

So have a good weekend and be sure to eat a dick! eh. pbl.

Suckin' dix for Christ,
ernie hanks
founder, pabst blue lemons

PS The cross was just a dick nailed to a perpendicular, longer dick! eh. pbl.

Still heavy, and still very good! The four songs on here are wonderful, especially the sidelong "Charmicarmicat,"
which repeats the same confusing, annoying little change over and over and
over until you wanna kick yourself in the ballzzz. There's also a band called Those Melvins, but there's no
telling why.

Reader Comments

Louis Sweet
I give it a 6.
First of all, there are only 4 songs on this EP,
and the running time is
under 20 minutes. One of the songs is over twelve minutes long by
itself. Once you get past all that, you're left with basic Melvins. The
first three songs are short and sweet. The first one has about 5 seconds
of guitar noise, the rest is just bass, drums, and vocals. The second
song is abnormally fast for Melvins, and rocks thoroughly. The third
song is mid-tempo and follows along the same lines. The last song,
"Charmicarmicat", is a 12-minute-plus fade-in-fade-out of an extremely
slow and heavy riff, complete with one beat of the drums about every two
seconds. It's quite hypnotic. In closing, this EP will leave you feeling
a little short-changed, but it marks the point in time where Melvins
became obsessed with whacky experimentation. I would only recommend it
to hardcore Melvins fans.

chill666@hotmail.com (Craig Hill)
I love this EP. the first three songs are excellent, I really like the
section where it say's "I dont know why but i dont feel so (burpy
vocals)GOOD(end burpy vocals)

The third song has buzzy squeling like astuck Paul Stanley
and Charmacarmicat (or however it's spelt) is another Melvins lesson in
tedium.

If you can find it get it

and if oyu can find it good luck cause it's rare as shit in Australia.
I really like the fact that they dont put the RPM on the vinyl so you can
decide what you like it best at too.

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
this ep must seem like all crap to the regular korn, nirvana or tool
fan and I can see why. in many ways, it feels like a waste to buy this record.
after what I heard live, hog leg is the biggest disappointment. the version
they played on tour in ’99 was awesome. fortunately charmicarmicat saves
eggnog from being a huge disappointment for me. it`s a perfect teaser for what
was to come on Lysol and it`s tempting to say it should`ve been on that
album but then again, it wouldn`t be any eggnog. I wouldn`t really want that
with cover-art like this. truly a classic album cover. no hard feelings.

mattorgloss@yahoo.com
Track 3 I think of Eggnog, the one with the obnoxious
feedback is sampled in 'Beercan' by Beck from the
Mellow Gold album. The filmclip even has Buzz in the
yard goin' off with his Gibson and Dale and Buzz
driving a forklift on someones driveway.

nationjuarez@tutopia.com (Lionel M Jr)
I should say, that it was the first album that i did heard of The Melvins,
very sonicslayeredmuzak!!!, i love every second on it from the beginnin'
'til the mere end, it used to be a girl playing on a brief term bass for
them, well surely never can't remind about her she was Lorna.
Great sounds from the garage by the true lords of the alternative/metal dune
buggie muzak!!!

At this point, the Melvs decided it would be
hilarious for them to each release a solo record at the same time, patterned after
the (mostly) abysmal Kiss solo albums of yesteryear. Luckily these are only EP's, so they have much less
time than Kiss did to bore the hell out of you. Buzzo's sounds a lot like... The Melvins.
Some noise experimentation and heavy metal riffing, some good, some dull. It's
overall good, but don't spend too much money on it because it's only about 12
minutes long. I originally posted that Dale drums on it, hence the reader comments below.

Reader Comments

st_hilbun@tarleton.edu (Bobby Hilbun)
dale doesn't drum on it.
dale nixon does.
dale nixon is a pseudonym for dave grohl.
he also does the spoken word bit at the end.

mcjagger27@webtv.net (mst3000 fan)
dale does not drum on the king buzzo ep, dave groul does. hes under the
name..dale nixon.

brad.black@sympatico.ca
Dale Nixon is not a pseudonym for Dave Grohl, and he did not drum
on the King Buzzo e.p. ---- Buzz did all the drums, and he used the
name Dale Nixon as an in-joke. Because that’s the name Greg Ginn
used as a pseudonym when he played the bass on some of
the Black Flag records.

Jonathan from Boner Records told me that this cracked him and Buzz
up, because they always saw Greg around the C/Z Records studio.
(C/Z is another label that Ginn has, as well as SST).

dugc@jps.net (MCook)
If you're really into the Melvins why in the hell would you rag on KISS?
"Love thing",
"Goin' blind"and an intro to an OZMA song were all KISS songs.That's like
bein'
into Sleep but not Black Sabbath.KISS were the predecessors,bro.

BundleOfHiss@aol.com
C/Z records is not owned by Greg Ginn it is owned and operated by one,
Daniel House.

kezzbynoza@hotmail.com (Kevin By)
I get the impression that not everybody runs out to buy this little piece of
crap. Hell, most people even thinks Houdini is crap! Well, i can tell y’all
stupid people out there (let’s not hope there’s alot of them checking in on
this forum) that this piece of crap ain’t crap at all! It’s too short,
ofcourse but the reward you get for taking time to play these 4 songs is
stunning! Dave Grohl have some really interessting ideas. He pounds some
very Crover-like beats here. The thrilling patterns performed on Isabella
are just as good as anything Dale’s ever done and his humor (most noticably
on Skeeter) fits right in with Buzzo’s. I guess that’s why they dicided to
do this little project together. The only thing that gets on my nerves
sometimes, is the ”lyrics” sung by Buzz on Annum. Every goddamned word
starts with the letter L. This works very nicely as long as the Melvins play
loud, heavy distorted music, (which they ofcourse do most of the time) but
not here. Luckily Buzz decided to sing some real words and rhymes on the
Bootlicker. Oh happy day!!!

prettyinplump@bikinikiller.fsnet.co.uk
this is a cool EP. at first i though, why did i just pay nine pounds for this, but then i got stoned and it all
made sense. You can really feel 'out of it' when your listening to this. The songs arean't boring but you
have to be in an relaxed/sleepy mood to enjoy them. Buy it.Basicly the frist song two songs sound like
Buzz is getting his sounds from a shaver . The third song is a nice stucted song and track four is Dave
Grohl taking over somr brillant heavry music. This is the best track. Daves drumming is so good. Why the
hell did he release the new Foo fighters album. Buy this instead.

andrew.moncrieff@virgin.net
to brad.black@sympatico.ca:

Greg Ginn is, as far as I know, not at all affiliated to C/Z records. He did have Cruz Records, at one point tho.

I'd rather not go into detail about my gastronomical state at the moment, but let's just say that if I were to start a diary today, it would be entitled "Diary Uh." As such, I'm taking the day off and calling in a substitute.

Hi! I'm a Turd! Just bouncing up and down on the keys, telling a little brown story. Unfortunately, with each letter I type, I lose a little more of my golden brown and become smaller and smaller, so I'd better get to the point. The first thing to say is of course that this is the best of three Melvins solo records. When Dale asdfghjkl OW! I slipped on my own skid and landed on a piece of corn in my back! To the treatment plant with this! Typing's too hard!

Why, hello there everyone. I'm a penis. My temp agency called and told me that a Turd had left his position before the workday was complete, so I'm here to fill in. Unfortunately, the keys are all coated in his stinky brown mess and I wore my nicest foreskin to make a good first impression. At any rate, I'm told that my assignment today is to tell you about the Dale Crover solo EP. I tell you what - it's Melvinsy! Like Bullhead-era Melvins, slow and fuzzy with Dale intoning his vocals in a very King Buzzo-esque manner. Actually this poop's starting to feel pretty good. Kinda slick, kinda rubbin' along the sides, kinda GONNA BLOW!

Oh Christ. My manager's gonna throw a fit if he sees this sticky mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Great, that's just what I nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Fucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

Okay, I urinated and that washed away at least some of the faeces and ejaculate. At any rate, there are four songs on here, and a full two of them are built upon very pretty chords in the emotion of sad. Kind of a slightly more alt-pop/rock take on the Melvins sludge boom sound. Of the remaining tracks, one is a minute long swoopy bass celebration and the other features that watery wiggly guitar tone that Kurt Cobain used back in the day - heck, for all I know, it IS Kurt Cocaine! But one thing's for certain: it's quittin' time and I'm a penis that's covered head to shaft in cum, piss and shit.

Welp, guess it's back into Katie Holmes' mouth for me!

Reader Comments

kylewarn@cableone.net
Man, you nearly made me spill Propel all over my keyboard. The way you can
merge your episode of self-arousal with fuzzy prog metal bands, I swear: I
nearly shat myself!

For some reason, every time I come to your site my temptation to just go
all-out collector geek as opposed to actual music fanatic just gets fueled.

edm1213@msn.com
I've never heard that Dale Crover EP, but that turd story almost made me crap myself myself. No, those two myself's are not a typo. Having little or no interest in the stuff between Bullhead and Houdini, this review actually made me wanna seek the solo EPs out. I enjoy Joe Preston's other work quite a bit myself as well (Earth, High On Fire).

Speaking of which, I was introduced to the Melvins back in '94 via Beavis and Butthead's review of the video for "Hooch." I could swear i remember Beavis trying to decipher the lyrics, and he said the lyrics for that one part were "Fear has got this my raging member banned on the TV." Now I know why Buzz never prints his lyrics. Imagine that. "Banned on the TV."
It actually doesnt sound like Buzz is saying that at all, but hey, Beavis WAS pretty fucking dumb as y'all might have noticed.

Joe Preston was
a fellow who
played bass for the Mels only during this period. He wasn't on Bullhead
or Houdini - just this middle stuff. And judging from this
record, Joe (formerly a member of Earth, which also included a guy who
bought the suicide gun for Kurt Cobain) fit the Melvins style perfectly.
Side one contains a couple of pointless throwaways, but side two is the ultimate
in grunge metal pain. "Hands First Flower" is one twenty-minute song that
develops and progresses and changes, but see, the actual melody is only that of
like a three and a half minute song. Joe just plays every chord so very slowly
that it's hard to tell that repetition is actually taking place. It is.
You just have to pay very close attention to notice. Anyway, it's a pretty
cool reason to buy this otherwise dispensible record. Is that how you spell
"dispensible"? Today is sunny. I need to buy some nice pants for a trade
show I'm
going to next week. We turned our air conditioner on last night, so even though
it's gross and warm outside, we're comfortable in our nice Manhattan apartment
of love. How are you? Do you have a beard like Joe Preston? Is it warm in
the summertime? My long flowing hair tickles my ass.

Reader Comments

Wispy187@aol.com
i liked the second song "bricklebrit" which is a mean industrial sounding
tune. Who is that old guy talking on that track, "denial fiend?"

mmgeorge@bigpond.net.au (Richard Hall)
Dale Crover's ep is by FAR the best of the three...

dookie_man_92@hotmail.com
My favorite of the three. Yes, yes, he was short lived, and by that I mean
any self respecting Buzz fan's gotta hate him. Still, I think this was a
great EP. Hands First Flower introduced Drone Metal to the group. After
this, realize that the Melvins began to get real slow (besides 'Boris' of
course). Listen to the first 10 minutes of Lysol and you'll see that this
guy did have an influence. Well, anyway, he got sacked for being an
attention grabbing butthole (see back of Lysol), but it should be recognized
that he did have talent. 4.5/ 5.

strohs_MI@comcast.net
All three of these EP's are so goddamn classic. Preston's is just the oddball of the three. It's got two badass tracks. And Hands First Flower is good and evil enough for me. But Crover's remains the best because of how fucking amazingly stoned out it is. And because he played ALL music and no weird noise tracks. But Buzzo's 'Annum' is probably my most favorite thing he's ever written.

edm1213@msn.com
never heard this, but I'd like to mention Joe Preston was in High on Fire recently has well, playing on the Blessed Black Wings album, which was a damn fine album. The newest one, Death is this Communion, is even better but Preston departed before it. Still, yay for High on Fire.

Earth is a damn fine band for people who like Melvins, particularly the first 3 (Preston played on the first one). It's all instrumental and the style is basically whatever Dylan Carlson is into at the time, but they've spawned such tribute bands as Sunn O))) and some others i've never heard. Listen with an open mind. To think that at 14 i thought Seattle was all about Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains. Really, it's Earth and Melvins (though Melvins are now based outta San Fran or L.A. I think).

Shockingly, Lysol threatened a lawsuit (apparently fearing that all the Lysol fans out there would buy the album and try to spray it all over their homes), so now this album is
just called Melvins. The cover has a guy on a horse, but it's not
Prick, which ALSO has a guy on a horse and isn't very good. This is
a 35-minute track with no title. Actually, it's five different songs
(two of which are covers) all stuck together. And it's gut! Let it flow,
let yourself go, slow and low, that is the style in which The Melvins are
playing on this particular release.

It opens great with the heavy as lead instrumental "Hung Bunny," which flows into a decent though predictable original, before side two kicks off (dies) with a great
cover of Flipper's "Sacrifice" and dandy run-through of Alice Cooper's
"Ballad Of Dwight Fry" before closing with the short but tuneful original "With Teeth." The music itself is really
cool heavy hypnotic stuff, but you might end up feeling a little ripped off
when the album's over - I mean, two of the five tracks are covers? Side one
ends right when it's just gotten
going? Oh well. Look for it cheap. It says "JOE" really big on the back.

(The producer is a huge Peter Boyle fan.)

Reader Comments

VileOzma@aol.com
This is one of the best Melvins records. The first song Hung Bunny, is an
amazing example of what the MELVINS can do in 23 minutes. With Teeth is also a
great Melvins original.

stanton1@worldnet.att.net (Stanton Doyle)Lysol is worth owning simply for the powerful glory of Sacrifice (which I
saw live and is totally devastating) and the Cooper song (which is almost
identical to the original version).

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
When you put on Lysol, its like youre listening to music from
another planet. Its slow and ponderous, but if you listen to it a few
times it will grow on you, i swear! I think the Melvins purposely did
stuff like this to weed out pure metalheads. This is heavy, no
question, but it doesnt rock the way their earlier stuff did. But I
like this almost as much as the other stuff. I just can't believe they
made this music without chemically altering their brains.

Pvismara@aol.com
I remember standing in a record store in Chicago right after this came out.
The guy behind the counter said there was a new Melvins record in and asked if
I'd like to hear it. Sure, I said. I smiled as soon as I heard the first
note, and looking over at the record store dude I noticed he was smiling too.
After about ten minutes the other customers and employees were looking around
trying to figure out what the hell they were listening to. Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the Melvins.

CREGALA@email.msn.com (Craig Regala)
pretty much the thing that matches the emotional poder whomp!
of the 20 minutes of Melvins (Cleveland the last song/feedback/
drum-gong solo) of live Melvins God has allowed me to witness.
As pure musical intent i think this is their high point, for "rock"
this stuff is very heady/conceptual w/o losing the point of
physical music. This is what I always thought the Swans were
headed towards mid-period. Well the Total Castration thing
kinda is w/o the honed phychedelic almost Mantra effect ...
I always wondered if the third song was a cover, no one could
identify it as such. The Flipper tune is Magnificent....as is the
Coop cover, these guys have a way with other poeples stuff.

LandCruiser96@aol.com
This album always makes feel as if I just took some bong rips of some
skunk-smellin' dank. It's so repetitive and hypnotic but it also kicks major
ass since it's sooooooooooo slow and brutal. Turn it up loud so the entire
building will shake!!!! Lysol is a must for and hardcore Melvins
fan......even the cover songs are cool. Good stuff but too damn short (31
min.) so I give it a 9. Dale really pounds on this one!!!!!!!!!

djslippy@ozemail.com.au (Scott Daniels)
I had been listening to the Melvin's for a while before I heard this and
had already decided they were the greatest band in the universe, but my god
the first time I listened to this was at 5 am after a night out and a few come
down cones with a friend. By the time side one was over we were both
quivering like frightened children in the corner of the room. With the stereo
at near max volume I swear to god I have never heard anything so brutal
or punishing on a listener ears, with it near hypnotic drone it shocks the
bejesus out of you when Dale actually starts drumming (a good 7 or 8
minutes in). Truly this the collimation of all that the Melvin's where trying
to achieve in the field of slow and annoying. This album changed my life
and the way I look at music forever.

jyemiyuki@one.net.au
My introduction to the Melvins.5.00 am,still a day away from
being straight,a friend plays it with the volume so loud i could not hear him talk,sitting
beside me,so i couldn't decide if he was trying to piss me off!
I can't speak for the other people in the house who were trying to sleep.As they
say,you have to go through hell to get to heaven.This is hell and
the Melvins don't sound like heaven.I haven't looked back..,only to get their earlier
stuff!

mrdelish@webtv.netLYSOL is the second best Melvins record.Sacrfice.That's all I have to
say about this.Flipper is proud.

twofiftypilot@yahoo.com (James Cadman)
I put off getting this release for quite a while
because I was afraid it was going to sound like Prick.

Wrong! Lysol is so damn heavy and mesmerizing, it
instantly became one of my favorite Melvins discs.
For me, it's a total mind trip. Blaze up, hit the
lights and crank this fucker. When it's over, I'm
left hanging, shuddering and wondering "How the hell
did they do that?"

benalto@benalto.com (Rocket Robin Hood)
TRUE STORY - I ordered this as soon as it came out from Boner Records. It took
a bit of time (no point and click ordering in them old days, kids!) as I
lived in Canada and I was SO EXCITED when it came in the mail! I ripped it
open and....it was one of the original ones that said "Lysol" which now had a
big piece of black duct tape over the word "Lysol". The cover was RATCHED and
the album itself was kinda scratchy! I put it on and as "Hung Bunny" hit the
speakers, with crackles and pops along the way, I got madder and madder. So I
immediately phone the number on the Boner catalog and let it ring, ring, ring
(it was probably something like 8 am in California at the time - fuck, I was
19, I didn't really think). A tired stoned-sounding guy answers the phone
after about 15 rings and while I was waiting I was really getting into what I
was hearing - then we have this s-l-o-w conversation which amounted to me
bitching about the crappy record and his response was something like "Well,
if you send it back........uhhhh........I can send you a new one? Sorry about
that". I would of taken him up on the offer, but after the first 2 minutes of
'Hung Bunny' no way would I go without this music.....Boner Records though,
despite this story, WERE a great label to mailorder through back in the day.

royzig@hotmail.com (Roy Granberg)
would give it an 8 out of 10, but for HEAVINESS or SLUDGINESS it gets an 11. it's cool to read comments from others on this album that NO ONE ELSE THAT I KNOW has (hey, I live in the boonies in Minnesota), but I can say that they're missing out! I'm apparently not the average metalhead since I've had this album since right after it was released and I've always loved it, I think the Melvins' music in general could be considered the thinking metalhead's heavy music and this one fits there if you ask me, with cover art that seems to hint at the plight of the very complex and historically-rooted problems of the original American Americans (otherwise known as "Native Americans" or "Indians")... I've been a Melvins fan for a long time, and the heavy, trudging-along feel and seamless transition between covers and originals on this album are amazing, trademark Melvins even though Joe Preston (whose "solo album" this essentially is) wasn't with the band very long, it's an often overlooked album that deserves the respect of all who enjoy any tunes by the masters called the Melvins!

DArmstrong@bryson-architects.net
CLINKER!

eric.neuser@umusic.com
Why does everyone insist on smoking grass when listening to this stuff? Seems like a job for Valium or Xanax to me.....

Can anyone provide a definitive track list?

steve.robey@mindspring.com
"Melvins" aka "Lysol" is a good compact summation of everything I liked
about the early Melvins. I think the very fact that the whole CD is
just one track is evidence of how cryptic and unpredictable this band
could be. Then, when it takes 10 minutes for anything to get moving at
all, well, it's damn unsettling for the listener. And that's one thing
you gotta accept if you're gonna be a Melvins fan. Expect anything,
anytime. One minute you're thrashing your brains out, the next you're
listening to 2 minutes of silence, then you might hear the same note
repeated for 10 minutes... it's a frightening risk every time you put
the Melvins on the stereo. Try "Bullhead" if you need your Melvins in
a more song-based environment (though even then, you're in for some
shocks), try this one if you just don't give a fuck.

When Raymond Carver invented the peanut, it was God's way of saying, "Dyn-o-mite!" It's this
bevy of emotion that I feel went into the creation of England's golden boys, The Melvins from San
Francisco. This live CD, an early recording featuring non-original but still early bassist Lorax
(female), features the band at their most aggressively sluggish, as if the band is determined to
irritate the entire audience out of the club. The songs are The Tops, but most normal-eared
listeners would cry "Foul!" at the endless repetitions on the same schtick (slow, just a few
chords). But then, most normal listeners are enormous fans of Fannypack's "Cameltoe" off of
their hit debut CD Very Stylistic and have worn out at least four copies each on
their carving compact disc-playing chisel, so maybe it's time we separate the wheat (me) from the
chaff (them), the pearls (me) from the swine (them), the angelfish (me) from the bottom feeders
(them).

Whew! You don't know what a great load has been lifted off my shoulders now that
I've finally admitted that I'm a Wheaty Pearl-Endowed Angelfish! No longer need I be ashamed of
my tiny penis! As for normal music listeners, those were all metaphors. I don't honestly think
"normal music listeners" are inferior --- music is just for fun. My point was that the Melvins play
"challenging music," and normal music listeners feel no need to be "challenged" by their
entertainment. What's the point when the "challenge" is inevitably not going to reward them with
anything greater than a quick "Oh... now I get it" before they return to Metallica's "I Love You With
All My Anger" or however the hell that asinine song goes. Music "snobbery" is... well,
kinda pathetic. To admit that your sense of self-worth relies on nothing more
than the sounds you prefer to have entering your ears -- is there something to be proud of there
that I'm just missing? To be proud of your own music is one thing, but to be proud of somebody
else's music is pretty much just like living vicariously through a football team, isn't it? How is
bragging about loving Steve Albini any different than bragging about loving popular Atlanta
Braves sensation Pepe Frias? So think twice the next time you're about to go off on someone for
preferring, say, Weezer to the Pixies. Does that person have bad taste? No, taste is subjective.
But do you have immaturity issues? If you want the answer to be obvious to
everybody in the room, you just go ahead and make fun of that person for preferring Weezer to
the Pixies.

This Melvins CD features live versions of one 10 Songs track, two
Gluey Porch Treatments, three Ozma, one Bullhead and one shorter-
than-a-minute cymbals-and-vocals spectacular. The songs are of course darntastic but the CD
itself is, in the mortal words of King Buzzo himself, "Not gonna make pelvises move or
anything."

Reader Comments

tphead69@yahoo.com (Collin Cruz)
I've been accused of music snobbery, but I think in my
case, it's more about knowledge that taste. If I know
there are a bunch of awesome bands out there that no
one listens to, and assume that if these ignorant
mainstream lovers DID listen to these awesome bands,
they would love them, then I can say I have better
taste by virtue of having more developed,
well-researched taste. If someone likes Weezer more
than the Pixies and they're familiar with both bands,
fine. But if someone likes Weezer and has never heard
the Pixies...

I try to go around with an attitude somewhat to the
effect of, "Shit, I don't really know anything either,
I just happen to like this band you've never heard
of," but it doesn't always work.

paul.averbeck@gmail.com
I just saw the Pixies open for Weezer this summer, so I find those
comments very funny and odd, in the fact that you probably did not
know that such an event took place.

This record's out of print, so it's kind of hard to track down
nowadays, although I thought I read somewhere that they may possibly
rerelease it some time. Oh, and one time I was listening to this when
I got into a car accident, so it doesn't really bring fond memories.

When John "David" Peel of Have A Marijuana fame invited Buzz Osborne, Dale Crover and Joe Preston to visit his BBC studios with their musical instruments way back in 1991, there is no way they could have foreseen that they were about to create their very own entry in the famed "Peel Sessions" series. Can you imagine the look of shock and disbelief that must've crossed their faces when the news was made public to them? Holy mackarel! That's probably why Buzz's hair looks so funny. It all jumped way up in the air all crazy when he found out he was doing a "Peel Session." Ditto for Joe Preston's beard and Dale Crover's gigantic penis.

The strange thing about all this is that the Melvins chose to play cover tunes for three of their four "Peel Sessions" songs, and a weak V/A compilation track for the fourth! That's no way to impress the notoriously difficult, hateful, phlegm-ridden, rotten-toothed, nature's accident British, Buzz! You should've played some of your Madchester dance songs! But now I'm talking to Buzz as if he's inside the computer which, though a powerful visual hallucination, is nevertheless possibly inconclusive.

The chosen cover tunes were Green River's "Leech" (also available in studio form on Gluey Porch Treatments), Clown Alley's "Theme" (available in Sweden form on Singles 1-12) and Flipper's "Love Canal" (not included here, but available in live form on Singles 1-12). The kooky thing here is that Clown Alley featured not only pre-Joe Melvins bassist Lori Black, but also post-Joe Melvins bassist Mark Deutrom! More like "Clown BASSey," if you ask me! That's also my answer if you ask me to insult Count Basie. The fourth Peel Session song (of the three included here) is "Euthanasia," an okay but underwhelming slow grunge-sludger that can be found in non-Peel form on Amphetamine Reptile's Dope, Guns & Fucking Vol. 5 single.

All three of these songs are heavy and slow, with lots of reverb. "Theme" sounds like a God Bullies song (!), all effects-processed newscaster samples, eerie note riffs, basic chords and clompity drums. The other two -- look, a bird! (*bird flies by, takes shit on American flag*)

Along with "Zodiac," "Honey Bucket" and "AMAZON," "Night Goat" is one of
my all-time favorite Melvins songs. Lengthy, sluggish and hypnotically
repetitive, it so successfully conveys the essence of the band that they
have since recycled its riff in at least two other songs. This early
take is not the same recording that would soon grace Houdini, and
is notably less heavy and more reverbed than that better-known version.
Regardless, it's still an excellent metal trudger, even if it does sound
like it was recorded in a gymnasium.

Side B is a brief cover of Pussy Galore's "Adolescent Wet Dream," a song
as sloppy, sleazy and directionless as every other song that band ever
recorded. Still, the unpredictable riff changes and bizarre off-mic
shouts are at least "interesting," if not "good."

The godawfmighty Melvins on a major record label!?! Yes,
thanks
to the support of Mr. Rich Kurt Cobain, Atlantic Records signed the ornery
Melvins just on the off-chance they could become the next Nirvana.

Nope!
The songs are certainly easier to follow than they were before, but that
didn't make them any more attractive to the ears of grunge children. Grunge children wanted liberal
emotional truths and self-pity; the Melvins show no pity and have never cared much for liberal truths either (as far as I can tell).

As for the record, side one has
some wonderfully heavy songs, including "Honey Bucket," a speedy rollicking
number that kicks more patootie than probably anything else MTV aired in '93.
Side two is a bit more experimental, introducing a less heavy side of the band that would play a larger role in future endeavors. It's a well-produced album (what with the bigtime Atlantic money and all) and for the most part, it's pretty
darn great. Side one is, in fact, phenomenal. "Hooch," "Night Goat," and
"Hag Me" do everything a Melvins song is supposed to do, and "Lizzy" goes
even further, bringing in a dark country ballad riff that chills the
soul in a way that many rock songs cannot! Some of the side two songs drift right by like a barrel of slop,
but most of them are up to the usual Mell standards, too - heavy and slow, yet
catchy and kickbutt. Plus, even when
they're not playing much of a riff, their tones are very pleasing to the ear.

I can't quite give it a nine, though. The boogie "Sky Pup" is moronic, the pop
"Set Me Straight" is lifeless, and "Copache" ironically enough sounds like
a Nirvana rip-off. Or at least Guns 'N' Roses or somebody. Either way, it's
terrible. But that's only three weak songs on an otherwise terrific sludge
record. It's not as weird as the early stuff, sticking instead to pretty
basic (though interminably slow) 4/4 beats for much of the record, but dammit,
those who love loud heavy rock should hang up the forkin' Tool and try out
the Houdini, know what I'm driving at? A wall!!!!

Reader Comments

crevier@microtec.net
This is the only Melvins record in my record collection but I cannot wait
to add their other records to my collection. Thanks for the
reviews, as now I know to some extent, what the other records sound
like. : ) But, for the love of God (er, I mean Satan), I would like
to add that "HONEY BUCKET" IS THE HEAVIEST SONG EVER!!! There.

InMyEyes82@aol.com
this is my favorite album of theirs because its got more of a "seattle" sound.
stoner witch sounds a little too country for my tastes.

hijinks@utarlg.uta.edu (Thomas Rickert)
Good review overall, and dammit, side two is weak, especially compared
to side one. Don't like the Kiss cover all that much either -- King of
the Nightime World or God of Thunder would have been better, hell, even
Strutter would have been better. But jeez louise pluh-eeze: Night
Goat. Just fork me with a thousand million tines if that isn't the
ultimate sacrifice at the altar of all things heavy!

And that title. Just say it to yourself: Night Goat.
Night Goat.

What the fuck is that anyway!? Night Goat.

csdtemp.temp@sun.com
honey bucket is indeed the melvins best "song" in the sense that it's
catchy, heavy, and of less than excruciating duration (admittedly part
of their charm for many). i heard this song's got a cool video with
cheerleaders dancing along (no, i don't mean the nirvana video). if
only honey bucket was on bullhead, their best album.

Zbear21@aol.com
Hell fuckin' yes! You just gotta love the ground-breaking sound and that slow
grinding sludge that characterizes this kick-ass album. This one shows them
at there best along with Ozma. Honey Bucket rocks like no other song ever
produced and Hag Me is the best damn slow sludge song ever! Turn it up loud
so your lame pad will shake and rattle. I've seen these dudes in Dallas twice
and they performed some truly exceptional shows. One time they played all of
Stoner Witch and all the good shit from Houdini. People that repeatedly rip
on the Melvins are ignorant fucks that seem to enjoy being sell-outs. Ever see
King Buzzo play the base and play June Bug?.....it rocks. Dale Crover rules!

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
I don't care what anyone says about this being their sell-out
album. Houdini is probably one of the darkest records ever made (dark
im saying, not depressing, if you want depressing put on JOy Division).
If there's any part of the album that even hints at selling out its the
fact that Kurt Cobain's name appears more than once in the liner notes;
their music is still utterly Melvinesque. I would agree that "Set Me
Straight" really wears out after a while, but i'll still maintain that
the B side is a true example of geniuses at work when it comes to the
rumbling or squalling feedback. "Joan of Arc" and "Teet" are probably
the hardest songs to have to listen to back to back, but thats what
makes the Melvins so great. Who said it had to be easy to listen to?
Hell, the main bass line of "Night Goat" is unbearably unsettling and it
just gets heavier from there. Aside from that damn Kiss cover, (which
they did a great job of Melvinizing in any case), that A-Side kicks
everlovin' ass. It took me a long time to figure out how Buzzo got such
a trebly, yet bassy tone out of his palmuting on that album, and i think
thats part of what makes it great. "Hag Me" is practically all palm
muting, but it practically shreds up your speakers! Man, what a great
album. "Honey Bucket" will probably go down as the heaviest fucking
song ever written long after our Melvins are dead, but as long as they
get the recognition sometime who cares. If it wasn't for a couple lame
tracks this album would be a ten. So kudos to Mark for being so right
this time, good review man.

tristesse00@rocketmail.com (Rainbow Brite)
What?! You're fuckin crazy! Sky Pup is an
awesome song, one of my favourites. The bassline
is so damn catchy, it makes you want to dance
and gets stuck in your head hella. I think this
was one of their best albums.

Itride@aol.com (Bradley)
Just wanted to inform everyone that might make them laugh- I read an interview
that said that the Melvins sent Gene Simmons (bassist extrodonaire..tehehe) a
tape of "Going Blind" and good old Gene went out and bought a brand new tape
player cause he thought his was broke and was playing tapes too slow. That's
the essence of the Melvins, eh?

PS- Even if you consider "Heavy" music to be fast such as Soilent Green, or if
you think of "Heavy" to be slow like Crowbar, this album has both in the form
of "Honey Bucket" and "Hag Me", respectively.

chill666@hotmail.com (Craig Hill)
there aint much I can say here which hasn't been said yep Hooch, Honey
bucket, Night Goat and Lizzy are awesome, Yep side two is dodgy at best, and
yep it was done on Atlantic Dime

but if you are like me and Honeybucket is the first Melvins song you heard
and still is one of your favourite songs of all time it just goes to show
that we all gotta start somewhere. This is the album that taught me I dont
need to know how to play guitar to play guitar.

cheryle@nighthawknet.com
I Like every song on the album. (spread eagle beagle is just different).
The Melvins are the best band around today. I just hope they keep going
strong forever.

santi_fatpockets84@msn.com (santana rodelo)
I dont know what it is about this album, maybe its the production
or sumthin, but I totally think that this is the melvins heaviest album out of
all of them. I basically have all of their albums but none of them
seemed as heavy as this one. This was the first album i ever bought of the
melvins and I was so surprised at how they sounded they were so heavy
it almost scared me.Too bad everybody cant appreciate their
awesome music especially my stupid little brother who keeps giving me
crap about how much they "suck" and how boring they are.

POOPYSAW@aol.com
true energy in a very rare form.one of those albums that comes along every ten yaers
and just blows you away.this album changes your view on music.most of the
time the melvins dont really capture what there capable of on thier albums,
but this time it worked.this album has thier live spirit.it creates visuals
in your mind.they picked a great song by kiss to cover (there version is
better).best songs are:hooch,night goat,hag me,joan of arc,teet,and copache.

terry808@alltel.net
Excellent.On this album they produce lengthier songs and a more straight forward style,but with a few
complex rythems.Every song on this album is over one minute and most are three minutes with a few four
minute songs strown around.There's even a seven minute song.They still have the same trademark
sound,but with diffrent feel and approach.I like most others better,but this still kicks.

nationjuarez@tutopia.com (Lionel M Jr)
As a settlement to the redneckish comments of this homeboy, i must say that
Stoner Witch is a cult classic slab, loved by some "fingercount" loyal
fans and hated by millions of senseless morons without any good apreciation
of muzak!...

johncarson@ntlworld.com
Ive had this album for a good while now. At first i liked it....thought it was great. Then i thought it was pretty crap...apart from "Honeybucket" of
course and a couple other.

It's just when i listen to most of their other albums and then stick this one on, it feels like its missing something.
Not the best Melvins album by a long way, but worth getting for "Honeybucket" alone.
6/10

Jcjh20@aol.com
Pretty good record. "Honey Bucket" is definatly one of the best melvins songs
ever. Man that song cooks so much! The rest arent as good, but theres some
really great Melvins tunes here and there ("Hooch", "Night Goat", "Lizzy",
"Joan Of Arc"), and some weird ass ones ("Pearl Bomb", "Spread Eagle", "Sky
Pup"). I agree with the 8. Kurt Cobain supposedly co-produced this one and
helped out (Guitar on "Sky Pup").

kevin.by@selby.no
following a weird, experimental solo-EP by the Melvins captain, Buzz and a big money move
to Atlantic records, this was just the thing one would expect. the Melvins are getting
weirder and doing what they can wit all the money available (lucky son's of
bitches...didn't last long, though).

anyway, IMO it's not a tight album. i get the same feel here as i do wit the Buzzo EP
only it's a whole album. they did however record 3 smashing tunes. i'm talking 'bout
"Hooch", "HoneyBucket" and "Sky Pup". i love Sky Pup. how do one write a tune like that?? the
sound and the approach is just mad original.

my favorite Melvins albums today (february 2002) are still BULLHEAD, THE BOOTLICKER and
THE CRYBABY.

Scabies13@aol.com
hey...i havent heard the melvins houdini record in a few years but i remember
that THE worst song ever recorded in the entire history of recorded sound is
on this album--the last track spread eagle beagle...my god why oh why would
you write a 13 minute long "song" with nothing but the exact same drumbeat
the ENTIRE TIME?!?!??!?!?!

uglytruth@hotmail.com (Hossein Nayebagha)
I was surprised at how much better this album sounded last time I listened
to it. I think what's reallay good about this is that it's heavy music
stripped of all other nonsence...the nonsence can be good sometimes but when
you've heard it so much, naturally you don't need any more of it. So when
you're young you still need it and when you need it you don't really dig
Houdini, but then years later you'll see that prehaps the main asset of this
record is just about the nonesence; it's gone so here you have a
hardrock/metal album without cliches. Surprisingly songs that have even less
variety that what you'd consider as mainstream metal, actually sound more
interesting here. 7/10.

galleyian@mac.com
Well it took a while to find a Melvins album at a decent price, but it's turned out to be well worth the wait. An absolutely fantastic record that gets better with every listen. I initially found my interest trailing off during the second half, now I rejoice like a bastard when it comes around. But really, you are setting yourself up for a difficult task with such a strong opening passage. I really do like them all, so I'll have to go with 'Lizzy', 'Going Blind' and 'Honey Bucket' as my favorites.

Oh, 'Going Blind' is a bloody funny song too. Onwards and upwards, a definite nine!

opeth1213@yahoo.com (Eric D)
Like most people who got into the alternative nation
through Beavis n Butthead in '93-'94, this the first
Melvins i heard. I like Gluey Porch Treatments, Ozma
and Bullhead a little better but this has plenty of
good stuff. Hooch and Honey Bucket are the hits here
and Sky Pup has a nice assist from Kurt. 9 of 10 for Houdini.

KingG32@hotmail.com
Why do the Melvins insist on being so hit & miss thus managing to similtaneously rule & suck? But if there was one Melvins album that you had to take to a desert island this would be it - just for Sky Pup and Honey Bucket. You probably already know that Lizzy is about Elizabeth Montgomery (of Bewitched) and King B originally wanted to title it Lezzy.

irontyrant@earthlink.net (Michael Grefski)
Well, apart from stating that I am a huge Melvins fan, Houdini is not their best record. However it does contain "Night Goat" (done better, slower and heavier on a seven inch single from Amphetamine Reptile records) and the utterly inconcievable "Honey Bucket," which is perhaps the greatest song in the Melvins' canon. It's a clasic not only because of it's storming riffage, solid as lead drumming, but also for it's lyrics. I heard once that Buzzo didn't bother to write actual lyrics 'cuz no paid attention to them anyway. But I think "Honey Bucket" is an exception to this philosophy. A smaple lyric will illustrate why; note the approxamite translation: I am operating without the benefit of a lyric sheet.

Genius. Sheer Genius. Perhaps the best song in Melvins history, apart from "Theresa Screams," which is easily better than anything Nirvana ever recorded, ever.

steve.robey@mindspring.com
My first introduction to this wonderful band was picking up a used
(read: discarded promo) copy of "Houdini". My first thought was: so
this is what "grunge" is, in its purest form. Cool! Sign me up. I had
no idea at the time that their oeuvre (thanks, spellcheck) as a whole
was to get so experimental and varied. As much as I've explored the
Wonderful and Frightening World of the Melvins since then, I still
maintain that the trio of albums that the band did for Atlantic are
their best work. I pretty much love the hell out of this album from
start to finish, except for the long drum solo ("Spread Eagle Beagle")
that concludes the album (what is it, like 11 minutes long?
weeeiiirrddd...).

I've enjoyed reading all the reader comments so far, since I don't know
much of the "trivia" surrounding the Melvins. "Lizzy" is about
Elizabeth Montgomery? All right, I'll bite. Wasn't she hot?
mmmm..... 'scuse me a moment.

ricardo.nunez@poliformusa.com
This album brings back so many memories. I love “Honey Bucket”. I remember back in 1994 a couple of high school friends and I formed a “punk” band and “Honey Bucket” was the first song we ever played (hey I can still play it on drums todayJ). It was a bitch to figure out the lyrics though. Good album, pretty weird if you think of it.

strohs_MI@comcast.net
Not too cool you doggin' Set Me Straight and Copache man. Those songs are just so fucking classic. There's only two songs on this astounding album that don't steal your shit right from you. And they are 'Pearl Bomb' & 'Sky Pup'. Both just crap worse than anything on PRICK. Spread Eagle Beagle is like a very abstract piece of art that you don't get but you just keep staring until you can make some sense out of it. And I did, and I love it. And no one did that in '93.

briantheisen84@yahoo.com
This was that album that made me a convert to the Melvins hand jive. Easier to follow, and at better song lengths, you know? And the first five songs are all winners, especially Honey Bucket-bottled intensity! I really hate Kiss, but Goin' Blind sounds perfect for the Melvins-it sounds kinda dumb by Kiss but coming out the Melvins' oriffi, it sounds twisted in the right way. Lizzy does the quiet verse/loud chorus better than most grunge bands at the time-speaking of which, I think You Set Me Straight sounds more like a Nirvana takeoff.

spinaltomek@hotmail.com
Good God! I like the Melvins a lot and I own some of their early albums. I always thought I would be diasappointed by this album, I don't know why...IT'S FUCKING GREAT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE THE MELVINS!!! HAPPY 2009!!!!!

This single is actually credited to a band called "Sawed Off," featuring band members "Bull Ramus," "Big Chief Boo-Hoo" and "Sitting Bull." However, as its actual creators were Buzz Osborne, Dale Crover and guest bassist Pat Fear (from White Flag), it's generally considered a Melvins release. It's also generally considered (by me) a wonderfully fun and singalongable record that belongs in every Melvins fan's collection. Luckily the Melvins have exactly 1000 fans, so this crazy dream of mine might just come true!

The theme is violent backwoods redneckery, the music is hooky midtempo punk rock, and Dale begins each side by screaming an obscene word (side A: "motherfucker," side B: "cocksucker"). "Butcher Town" features several wanky guitar solos and lyrics like "The big boss daddy man wheels the femur/The white rump roast is the special today/Gristled bit chunk is making me stronger/But my supply won't last much longer." "You'll Be Taken Care Of," on the other hand/side, features a sicko verse, poppy Kiss-esque chorus and lyrics such as "Fix it to serve you on a platter/I don't mind and you don't matter/You're just dead weight, you make me sick/Your family's next, you stupid hick!" Both songs are catchy, energetic and a growly good time.

On another note, I'm currently slogging my way through the most poorly-written book in the history of the century. Entitled The Dead Walk, it's yet another book about zombie films. Yes, I've already read The Zombie Movie Encyclopedia, Zombie Movies: The Ultimate Guide, Book Of The Dead: The Complete History of Zombie Cinema, Eaten Alive: Italian Cannibal and Zombie Movies and Zombie Holocaust: How The Living Dead Devoured Pop Culture, but how am I supposed to resist the siren-like allure of yet another book about zombie films? I'm not that strong. No man is.

In addition to several factual errors, The Dead Walk quite literally features a grammatical, spelling or punctuation error every THIRD SENTENCE. I have never read such a poorly written work; it's as if the authors have no understanding of sentence structure at all!

I will now share with you a typical paragraph exactly as it appears in this book:

"The next film Return Of The Evil Dead (1973) is the best of the four. Opening with a flashback to the Templars sacrificing a young girl, from the village of Berzano, in the medieval period. The local villagers however, have had enough of these evil priests, and rise up against them. (This gives this film a great resonance, symbolic of the power of the medieval church, which lived off the people it purported to serve, indeed, it demanded both money, servitude and blood during the Crusades, the Templars in particular, were hated and feared."

If you were able to read that paragraph without wanting to pick up your computer and throw it out the window, then -- look, a bird! (*bird flies by, takes shit on baseball player eating slice of apple pie*)

Just dicking around. Actually released under
the name "Snivlem" to avoid legal hassles, this is a whole lot more of that
silly "experimentation" crap that we heard a little of on the last record.
Now, the country under Mr. William Clinton knows that I'd never sneeze my nose
at the idea of dicking around, but this nonsense just wears really darn thin
after about ten minutes. "Rickets" has a groovin' beat and "Pick It N' Flick
It" is a funny as hoo guitar solo, but nothing else on here is much worth
listening to. Oh sure, there are some pleasant enough noises every here, there
and yes sir, but none of it is worth hearing twice, which is really sad because
the Melvins are usually "da bomb," as the kids say for some reason, but this
boring album presents them as not just "not da bomb," but in fact "not even
Rappaport," as I say for no reason at all. I'm not Rappaport!!!

This record
is full of crowd noise, silence, pointless samples, and no true melodies. If
they were setting out to be annoying, they've succeeded. But why should we,
the American and/or foreigner music consumer, give a vagina? You want found
sounds, try the Tape Beatles. I mean, it's listenable and cute, but The
Melvins are capable of so much more than this. Can you dig me?

Reader Comments

csdtemp.temp@sun.com
the way i see it, the melvins owe me $14.00! the levels of irony
inherent in such a release are much more interesting when observed at
someone else's expense. at least black flag was honest enough to spell
out a record's contents to the consumer, i.e. "this release contains NO
music."

stanton1@worldnet.att.net (Stanton Doyle)
The best part about Prick is its insight into the sadistic crowd
manipulation side of the Melvins (which is continued in the singles series)
- I guess they get pissed off at the audience (which is understandable when
they open up for the likes of Tool or White Zombie) and then linger on a
near silent drone with pounding drumbs in the background. Other than the
Melvins character study aspect of it all - its worthless.

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
yea too bad the fans suffer from this Melvins version of a practical
joke. This album was definately made to piss ppl off. Someone, i
forget who, said something about this ep that made a lot of sense- It
was made purposefully as some shit no one in their right mind would buy
in order to seperate ppl who just got into them with Houdini and the
whole seattle thang and their true fans. The mentality would be, well
ppl who dont know us will buy the record and be turned off from our
sound, but ppl who knew us before Houdini will stick around for the long
haul. Fortunately, one of my friends wasted his money on this record
before i could. It's worth a couple listens, but after that i would
feel gypped. I am so glad one of my friends also bought the singles
before me too, but we'll get to that later hehe. Anyway, judging by how
much Stoner Witch rocked, i think this "shitty little record" was a
calculated move on the bands part. They purposely suck when they want
to- its just obvious. I remember a show i was at a couple of years ago
and there were all these meathead jocks in the crowd who kept yelling,
so in retaliation The King Buzzo and Mark D stood still for like 10
minutes holding the same note of feedback in check while Dale took a
nap. It was hilarious.

Pvismara@aol.com
I was thinking they meant to name this one "Pricks", 'cause that's what I
thought of them after listening to this piece of shit. There are a couple of
decent numbers as pointed out by Mark, and in hindsight, I'm amused by their
joke. I left the price tag on the CD to remind me of how much I paid for it.
I didn't bother selling it back to a record store, but I guess that's what
ends up separating the fans from the hangerons. One of the reasons I love
the Melvins is they are always pushing the boundries. Too many bands (yawn)
play every fucking thing they write the same fucking way every fucking time
they play it. Whether they're playing a joke or writing straight forward
rockers the Melvins are interesting. Not necessarily original all of the
time, but interesting. They're an aquired taste too. You can listen to one
tune and like them, but to love and appreciate them takes time. I didn't like
Bullhead, Honky or Stag at first, but I grew to love them. You eat
bland, fairly tasteless food when you're young, as you grow older you learn to
appreciate rich, flavorful foods-the Melvins.

chill666@hotmail.com (Craig Hill)
I never bought the album cause I was warned off it by a reliable source but
I do have a prick experiance. Y'all thought you were rippe doff $15 for the
album I was ripped off $80 cause I bought The DOD guitar distortion pedal
'Buzz Box' which is designed by Buzzy an dused all through Prick. Those of
you who dont know what i am talking about can possibly gather what i am
about when a quote from Buzzy "I cant believe they made it, it sounds like a
vacuum cleaner. No I dont use it anymore, mine broke and I wasn't paying for
another one." Straight from th eman himself.

Unpredictable noise and feedback it's beautiful

darylkirpalani@uniserve.com
A simple thought, to address what seems to me to be needless discussion: I
am so much a fan of the Melvins that I but everything they produce because
it helps to keep them around. I never complain and often delight (for years
and years to come). All hail!

kavrbck@megsinet.net (Paul Averbeck)
I actually have a friend who likes it better than Houdini! Yeah I
know, I don't get it either. Anyways, there's nothing I can say about this
release that hasn't already been said, except I keep laughing during the
pure digital silence. And Larry's a rocking good song. Damnit.

bullhead69@hotmail.com (DYNASTOR)
You bitchy pansies! FEEL the 'Prick'! 'Rickets' is one of the coolest
songs ever. Get with the damn program; all that show their ass about
this record, shut up~you're too stupid to wipe your noses.
'Chief Ten Beers' is just wonderful, 'Larry', et all....thanks for the
sense of humor, buzz/dale. That's all
I've got to say, geekboys. In conclusion, to all you closet critics,
find your balls...and, maybe, one day,
you can find your PRICK.

villede@nbnet.nb.caprick is the last melvins album...it should have been released before
houdini so that we could seperate the melvins which are the only
listenable music EVER written, from the melvins who wane in declining
music of the people...if you dont understand it, go buy a marilyn manson
record (or stag which is the same) or a metalica record(or
stoner witch,
which is the same) and become useless...once one has totally grasped the
earlier melvins(and this MUST include prick, one has no need for any
other music, one is transfigured and transcended in and by it...

BundleOfHiss@aol.comPrick specifically reminds me of the Melvins show at Ozzfest. In the
front row are all these stupid motherfuckers wearing their Limp Bizkit and
Korn shirts. Well out come the Melvins who see these stupid asses and
decide to fuck around. They play a solid set lasting about an hour and a half
of just solid fucking noise. So all these kids after about 20 minutes have
had enough and take off. This leaves me and about five people who
actually know what the Melvins are about, and we're just like,Fuck yeah.

komono_dragon2@hotmail.com (Quintino Guahara)
I have to say that I think every Melvins release kicks ass!!!
Even Prick! A big FUCK YOU to those who hate it. I've sat in my room trippin out to
that CD loving every CRAZY minute of it. It gets even crazier
when you have to listen to "Pure Digital Silence" for a bit and wallow in your own
mind. MELVINS 4LIFE!!!

Wispy187@aol.com
love the inner art and the "guy that sat around and did nothing" cool
indian chants,bells, and cheers back the music. "how about" is kick ass for
just a spoken word thing. "chalk people" sounds like buzz whipping some
cattle into line. if you don't like this, then go listen to n'sync or
something. 14:20 "roll another one" intro
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Vo0Do0Chile@aol.comPrick is a damn good release, if you don't like prick, or at least love it,
you can all blow me. and the melvins for that matter. I happen to really
like prick, it's just another melvins album, what can i say? if you don't
like it, you don't like it. but if you do.....that's another story, one
which i know nothing about, obviously i am rambling..

syzlak@earthlink.net (Christopher Newton)Prick is a fantastic album. I've spent many an hour stoned out of my mind
listening to it.
It's not a rip off. It's just totally bizzaro. Some people just can't handle
that sort of thing
and reaveal themselves to be intolerant assholes. The kind of fans the
melvins deliberatley
try to get rid of.

slayerrob@yahoo.com (Rob DelMedico)
translation, darylkirpalani: It is "needless"
discussion because they happen to have an opinion
different than yours?

I'm sick of sheep like you who think that to be a fan
of a band, you must blindly accept everything they put
out and say all nice things about it.

steve.robey@mindspring.com
I read your King Buzzo interview and he said that this release was, in
fact, premeditated, planned, and released seriously. Hmm. Okay.
You're way cooler than I, Buzz. I'll give you that. I listened to it
a couple of times (it was my second purchase after "Houdini" - imagine
my (ball of) confusion) and said "huh?" and eventually traded it in.
Wish I'd kept it... that silent track, in retrospect, kicks John Cage's
ass!

Stoner Witch is like a more strapped down version of Houdini, replacing
instantly hooky riffage and jokey experimentalism with an initially
unremarkable yet ultimately satisfying enough batch of straight grunge metal
songs. Soundgarden with a growler, say, or mid-period Metallica without the
speed ("Revolve" in particular sounds almost absurdly Hetfieldian). Perhaps in an attempt to gain radio support, the band forewent the delightfully sick idiosyncracies that made their other records such a golly, but fans of the heavy will probably find a lot of digginess
in the slipstream innyweigh. Plus, the last three songs are mucked up enough to confuse
and impress any and all patient enough to bang the box through the first
eight. For example, the bass line in "Lividity" makes my entire apartment shake.

Shake its 5th floor BOOTY, that is!!!!

I haven't gotten much sleep in the last
couple of days.

And now's no time to start!!!! Ha!! Ha he akjakeee. How
about that cool whistling bit in "Roadbull"?

Reader Comments

qlb@hotmail.com (Louis Sweet)
I have all melvins since their major label debut, and i am currently
working on getting the old stuff... but i think this album is not just
special, it's brilliant. I have read all i could scrounge on their old
stuff, and i know they have always been doing heavy, slow grunge stuff
and real fucked up experimentation... but both of those things seem to
meld together so perfectly here! prime example = "magic pig detective": 3
and a half minutes of pure fuzz, then it turns into a kickass rock song.
It's fucking cool and it makes you think. I agree that it takes patience
to listen to melvins, but it's well worth the wait. And Stoner Witch
is the greatest recording since Master Of Puppets.

hijinks@utarlg.uta.edu (Thomas Rickert)
Great title. But the riffs just don't do it for me. I mean, a good
riff has gotta pop some zits, and there is no zit popping going on here
with these riffs. Gimme the early stuff, man. And give me that Melvins
spinoff, Acid King. They are flying the flag, and the Melvins are
moving their bowels. I recommend not nibbling... I'd probably drop
this release a couple nachoes....notches.... whatever.

kavrbck@megsinet.net (Paul)
The first album I got of the Melvins, and the one that got me hooked. It's
just too bad the rest of the world didn't hear it, I think they would have
liked it.

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
Damn, don't you guys think you're being a little harsh on Stoner
Bitch? The B side is a bit slow, but there is some great shit on this
album. "Queen" is a damn catchy song that shows excellence in all of
the instruments(the contrast between low and loud on this one blow away
any other "grunge" songs ever), and "sweet willy Rollbar" harks back to
the pre-GPT sound, except much heavier, and much louder! Have any of
you noticed that the Melvins recorded this album at really high levels?
It's fucking loud! Trust me, play one song from this album and then
play any song from the first 6 Sabbath records. Tell me theres not a
huge volume difference! Anyway i better just shut up and not say how
awesome "June Bug" is. That song is a real teaser man. Ok, so to get
to the point this album is not a ten, but it damn well deserves at least
an 8 or 9. Cmon man!

Itride@aol.com (Bradley)
I would have to say that this is my favorite melvins record, and i have all of
their cds, with the exception of the solo EPs which have proven hard as hell
to get a hold of. Sweet Willy Rollbar is my all time favorite song- from any
band. A ten of an album. Oh shit! My kitchen just caught fire... I better be
going.

Pvismara@aol.com
Have you ever heard any thing more beautiful (did you ever think you'd see
that word used with the Melvins?) or even trippy than "Shevil"?

rerun@willapabay.org (bodah67)stoner whitch i think
deserves a rating of ten to. it is a powerful album. I lisson to that album
constently everyday before i lisson to nirvana's bleach album i dont know
why it just seems like the right thing to do.

djslippy@ozemail.com.au (Scott Daniels)Stoner Witch is as near a straight ahead rock album as the Melvin's
where ever going to make (except maybe Crybaby) but damn it's still a great
album the first few songs are some of the best rocks songs I've ever
heard, if no one else is going to make some good ones why shouldn't the
Melvin's have a go at it, and "At the stake" is as engrossing as any Melvin's song.

jyemiyuki@one.net.au
I just have to throw my 10 cents worth in,just this being my
personal fave.Melvins album.I've had parties just with myself,Jack Daniels and Stoner
Witch.

sales@pixleygroup.comStoner Witch has got to be that baddest album ever! If only they
would have put on their Kiss God of Thunder cover it would be complete (not to
mention Priest’s Green Manlishi!). Revolve, please, song absolutely
rocks. Saw a Melvin’s Stoner Witch Album with Helmet Betty in Seattle five
years ago and my head still hurts. Melvin’s Army.

johncarson@ntlworld.com
What can i say, my second Melvins album and my last one to date. Saying
that i only got this about a month or two ago. Im scared to buy
another Melvins record incase it doesnt live up to the greatness of this
one!!. It's one of the best damn albums i have EVER heard!!!!!!!!! Buy this
motherfucker if it's the last thing you do !
Quick and to the point, thats me.

POOPYSAW@aol.com
queen is one of the best melvins songs ever.although i personally think it
would of been better on bullhaed.this album wasnt recorded that great but the
solid songs make up for it.best songs are:skeetis,queen,roadbull,at the
stake,shevil, and magic pig detective............ what a name

kezzbynoza@hotmail.com (Kevin By)
yez, now i feel i can take the time to sit down and really get my views to
text cuz with the other reviews on this site, i was a bit too fast really. I
never got to sit down with the albums for more than about 5 or 6 listenings.
An album takes time you know, to sink down into yer system. Very often it
takes months. But i’m sure y’all know that…

Well, this Stoner Witch –album by the Melvins worked great after a time.
First i thought the production was to clean. Even Soundgarden’s Bad
Motorfinger sounds more lo-fi than this. It was too much Metallica for my
tastes. BUT then i discovered Shevil. What a non-metallica/soundgarden tune
this here giraffe is. Wonderful, yet creepy music. Even the Melvins haven’t
done anything like this since. This song alone makes stoner witch worth
bying. There aren’t many more tracks here which can keep my attention for
long except the thrilling Sweet Willy Rollbar, the cool and playfull
Roadbull and At the Stake which by the way i think suffers from the clean
production on this album. Live it’s nearly unbeatable. Must add though that
June Bug, Revolve and Magic Pig Detective are all nice tunes but i tend to
skip alot when i put this disc into my CD-drive. If i had it on vinyl, i
probably would rarely listen to it at all.

terry808@alltel.net
The best since Ozma.With this album being more punk based it is a must for me.Also including quiet arty
tracks such as Shevil and Lividity.I must say that Shevil puts me in a dream world every time I hear
it.Amazing songs.

FaithNoMore0703@aol.com
i would like to say that stoner witch is a excellent album. this album rocks, every song is great. there are no fillers and with each listen it gets better and better. buy this album right
now if you dont already own it

Ekilefa@aol.com
Christ on crutches...

Sweet Willy Rollbar is heavy as pheseegy. Listen to how unstraight forward that drumbeat is, while still DRIVING that song. Then there's Revolve. Show ing others that if they wanted to they make this pleasant, but that would be to simple, and Roadbull is my favorite song by the Melvins

soul_crusher77@hotmail.com (Mike K)
The more I read about The Melvins, the more I got interested, and yet I still opted for the pussy's way in by starting off with a couple of what are often called their more comparatively "mainstream" albums, then backtracking later. Thus, this album and Houdini are the only Melvins albums I currently have. I can see where people can say they lost some of their idiosyncracies here, even the not-that-much-less-commercial Houdini comes off a bit weirder than this, but on the other hand it's still too much weirder than your average metal album to be a "sell out"; I imagine anyone that got lured in by the Soundgarden/Metallica-isms of "Revolve" most likely brought the thing back to the store during the first 3 digital-feedback-drone-filled minutes of "Magic Pig Detective" convinced they were sold a defective copy. So yeah, it's more straight "stoner metal" than you'd expect, but pretty good stuff, although it probably sounds a bit better to me than it actually is because even if a riff or melody is less than memorable, I'm usually too busy being bashed in the face by the low-end to even notice. Put the thing on your headphones and it practically feels like Dale Crover is drumming inside your skull, and yet everything else is coming in loud and clear (but mostly loud) too. That's how a raw heavy album is supposed to sound, Metallica circa 2003! Because all of Metallica are reading my comments on Mark Prindle's page right now. So basically I can see where I wouldn't like it quite as much as I do now once I've heard the more radical extensions of the Melvins' sound, but for now I dig it. Oh, and "Road Bull" rules, especially that completely unexpected martial drums and whistling ending.

opeth1213@yahoo.com (Eric D.)
This one's a slight step down from Houdini... "Queen"
is the most accessible one on here and reminds me of
"Night Goat", "Revolve" is cool too, and some of the
experimental moments are alright. Not quite up there
with the best Melvins though. Agreed on 7/10.

mikeandlorieg@earthlink.net (Mike Grefski)
No doubt..."Queen" is very killer, as are "June Bug" and "Lividity." I fact, his excellent album closes the Melvins "Normal" period quite effectively. I realy like this record, as I do most previous Melvins stuff, but I maintain my position that their output is scattershot at least.

strohs_MI@comcast.net
When they say STONER witch. Jesus christ they weren't joking. This is THE fucking Stoner album. At The Stake will hurt your balls with how sick it is.

briantheisen84@yahoo.com
My very first Melvins album (after reading your reviews), and at the time, I hated it, I tells ye! I think I described it to someone as "A cross between Metallica and Sonic Youth-only not as good." But then, time has past and I now realize that not only is this a good album, but the Melvins are better than Metallica or Sonic Youth. Revolve is a somewhat straightforward rocker (as is Queen) that turns into something of a Southern rock jam, Roadbull is sort of Mr. Bungle-ish (love the caveman NEED FREEDOM! exclamation) Goose Freight Train sounds exactly like what The Bootlicker would later be, and Shevil is a beautiful, but menacing drone.

After signing to Atlantic, the Melvins started touring with gigantic big-name fancy bands like Nirvana, The Breeders, Nine Inch Nails, White Zombie, Dio, The Eric Hivlen Band and even RUSH! Not all of these opening slots went as well as hoped, and a few of the results can be found here on this rare box set of 7"'s.

On the song jib, the set contains live performances of 6 Stoner Witch songs, 2 Houdinis, and 1 each from Stag, Singles 1-12, Lysol and Ozma. On the non-song pip, it features two radio interview snippets, a live concert announcement, a radio ad and what I assume is a sample from the 1966 western Johnny Reno. The live recordings are mostly murky, muddy and bootleg-quality, but the song choice is fine, the belligerent stage patter is a scream, and who doesn't love a humorous radio interview snippet? I can't name even one person who fits this description. Maybe Steve, but that's because his hearing aid is made of live wasps.

If you're anything like me, you like comic books. All kinds of comic books. Red comic books, brown comic books. And your name is Tom. Unfortunately, my name's not Tom and I don't like comic books. But "Barbara Al" Yankovic does, and look at this hilarious parody of a comic book!

A Dutch artist named Barbara Stok published a 48-page comic called "Barbaraal 2" in early 1997, and if you looked really closely, you'd find a Melvins 7" inside. This single includes two instrumental tracks recorded live in Groningen, Holland with Mark Deutrom on bass. These songs are Stoner Witch's "June Bug" and a 4 1/2 minute slow arpeggiated pop-rock song called "Noise" that reminds me a lot of an old God Bullies song whose name I'm blanking on ("Abigail," maybe? A sad, creepy one like that). The recording is muffled and terrible, and "June Bug" seems to be missing its rockin' kickass parts, but it's fine. Fine enough to earn a 6 anyway, particularly if "Noise" is a rare track. Not that I have any clue whether it is or not, nor any plans to relisten to the entire Melvins discography in search of its appearance under an alternate title. It's not on Stoner Witch though; I can tell you that!

I'm very pleased to have assisted you with this information. Here's a thought for all you philosophical people. I don't think you can decide your own philosophy; I think that your subconscious decides it for you. I say this because I finally, about five years ago, realized that no matter what I WANT to believe or how I WANT to react to a predetermined stimulus, I have very little control over my automatic reactions to said stimulus when it unexpectedly shows itself. In other words, even if I want a part of my philosophy to be "Always use self-control and maturity to defuse a conflict. Chances are that the angry party has something else going on in his or her life that is making him/her angry, and it doesn't help the situation to escalate the negativity," time and experience has taught me that my philosophy is actually "I'm going to respond to each conflict depending on how I respond to each conflict. This is based on many factors, including (a) how I am feeling at that particular moment, (b) whether I feel that I am truly at fault in the conflict, (c) how insulting and irrational the person is behaving, and (d) whether or not I could beat the person up if it came to that." So you philosophical people can take your four blind men and shove em up an elephant's ass! THAT'LL teach 'em it's not a fucking rope or cocksucking tree!!!!

The traditional Melvins heaviness is almost completely missing from this release, leaving a
silly experimental bent behind to deal with what are basically a bunch of
unexceptional melodies (aside from "Black Bock,"
a cuntyfried rocker with a nice Dave Gilmoury vocal jammin' the falafel). Baby,
I can suck the reasons Buzzo freaked re grunge and dumped the crang, but this
new jap gots to have some stylywhig. Ain't no winkadink goan save lack o'
melodious innovativiness. Sure, she cute but where's the knockers???? Without
heavy, the levee gots a crevee. Funkadelic garbageman!!! Interesting production
harks shouts of Downward Spiral, another fantastically well-mixed
record with few to zero outstanding riffs, but why listen twain???
Noises are nice, but I need more
meat on my Top Hat Bones. I'm not Rappaport!!! This album is not "da bomb"!
It's still at least interesting though, and much quirkier than the semi-traditional
Boner Bitch. Love they or hate they, at least the Melvins don't sound
like any other band alive and kicking.

Plus, "Lacrimosa" is without a
doubt the most irritating song they've ever recorded (which is actually saying
something); the persistent cymbal smashings give me a headache of annoyance
every time I flout flamboyance.

In short, I like strange things as much as
every other person alive, but strange backed by not quite so cleverness is
kind of contrived and boring. It got good reviews though, so maybe I'm the
fool! Prick Two or Fick you??? If I wanted to listen to lite
metal with a goofy bent and diverse instrumentation, I'd put on Tragic
Mulatto, thank you very much.

Then I'd turn it off and throw it out the
window.

Reader Comments

hijinks@utarlg.uta.edu (Thomas Rickert)
Better than Stonertits, maybe... maybe not. Here's to artistic growth
and all, but I agree with your review completely: there's gotta be
something going in the Wheaties. Hell, they ain't even pissing in these
Wheaties. Give Buzzo a laxative somebody! Then clear the room and
press record... like I said about Stoneritis, either go back to the
old stuff or take a trip to Meteorcity.com and see what is really going
on in heavy these days, like Fu Manchu, Acid King, Electric Wizard, and
the mighty mighty Kyuss, now broke up, and everyone should be sobbing.
I am. Sob.

csdtemp.temp@sun.com
the melvins motto: there's another one born every minute. i taped the
two or three moments of interest from this exercise and dumped it at my
local used cd store. here's what they said: "yeah, we expect to see a
lot of these comin' back."

melvana@mail.wsu.edu (Chris Slaughter)
this was my first experience with the melvins. since then i have bought
all of their cds, and still like stag as one of my favorites. its not as
raw as gluey porch, and not as memorable as bullhead, but it still rocks,
in a different way. besides, they had the biggest production budget for
this one, so they just had a little fun with it.

c722465@showme.missouri.edu (Gregory C. Jones)
I really like stag. It seems to be the only melvins record with a
"nice sound" to it. And about half the song are fantastic, and there's
a lot going on. Tipping the lion and Black Bock are pretty light and
trippy but they're both really good, and show off a good range of style.
The Bit is phenomenal, and Hide is pretty good too. And there's a bunch
of buzzo rockers too -- Buck Owens, Skin Horse, Berthas. Unfortunately
there's some lame material here too (it comes in clumps too). The
production and range of sounds on Stag is a lot better than any of the
other Melvins.

And the critter on the back is friendly!

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
I am shocked! Appalled!!!!!!! How come no one respects this album
the way they should?!??!?! Stag is easily the biggest creative leap
the Melvins made yet. The heaviness is admittedly gone, but who cares?
I wouldnt want a bunch of records that all sounded the same. I think
they played out the heaviness shtick, and needed to take a breather with
something else. There are so many different types of sounds(noises?) on
this album its hard to swallow all at once, and maybe thats why no one
likes it, cuz they didnt listen enuff. Sure, i was poised (me and half
the world) to hate this album when it came out, cuz it had so much hype
behind it saying it was weird, but upon deeper investigation this album
is very satisfying. There are a couple filler tracks, but i think the
other stuff is great! It's just a break in trend from theyre heavier
stuff, and maybe thats why no one likes it. Cuz maybe half of the fans
are just trendy bastards! Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that its a
good thing they broke the trend and did a album that didnt have a heavy
feel. Their version of butthole surfers is at least amusing, and at
best powerful music. It's powerful without necessarily being heavy, and
thats what makes it so great. "Black Bock" sounds like a demented
version of REM's pop sound, and "Goggles" is pure butthole surfers type
weirdness. They run the gamut: complex punk riffage, numbing blues,
oddities of all sorts, some good ole heaviness, and plenty of twists and
turns. Well this album might not be your cup of tea, but its mine so
HAH!

Pvismara@aol.com
Isn't it great not knowing what the next song (or the next album/CD) is going
to sound like? Cheers to another addition to the collection.

rkatz@pivot.net (Rob)Stag is one of the best albums I've ever heard, and to any of the
"Melvins fans", on this page who continuously shit on this album, I think
the real fans will join me in saying "FUCK YOU".

If you know anything about bass, drums, or guitar, you would realize how
complicated and tallented this album really is. The album Prick, was
ment to piss people like you off. Why? Because you need to be pissed off
You sit in front of a computer all day and criticize others creativity.

Just one more time "FUCK YOU"

sbrat@micron.net
"Goggles" made me a Melvins fan. I was sitting at Lollapalooza 96
waiting for the Cows to take the third stage and heard it while I was
waiting. I haven't heard a heavier or more frightening song yet.

"Skin horse" is so damn beautiful I'm going to demand in my will that
they play the song really loud out my funeral- they can even forget
about a eulogy, just play that. I messed with my four track and heard
the chipmunk part at the speed they played it in this dimension- pretty
cool.

Yeah, I guess you could say it's a departure from their good old days or
whatever, but I think it's just an album that's going to divide everyone
forever. It's not like prick where everyone can just write it off, but
it's also nothing like the ozma days. Buy it anyway, if only for those
two songs.

alnis@quinte.net (Alnis Dickson)
I'm probebly way lat on this, but Stag is most definately the best
Melvins Album I've ever heard (out of Houdini, Stoner Witch, 12 Singles,
Bullhead, The Maggot, and Live at the Fuckerclub). I have to admit that
when I first got this one, I was on your side. Before this album, I
thought the Melvins were amazing, now I think they're genius.

And nobody mentioned soup! or Cottonmouth!

blissblood@hotmail.comSTAG is one of my favorite Melvins albums, along with
STONER WITCH. I can't
believe some listeners are so single-minded that all they care about is
HEAVY and not CREATIVITY! To me, STAG is like the Melvins'
White Album,
incredible creative diversity and FUNNY. How can people not hear the humor
in what the Melvins are doing? The BOOTLICKER is totally in the same vein,
tongue in cheek. It's funny that they decided to segregate the tunes to
different records, to keep the heavy rockers happy with at least one of the
new cds. Also, did anyone notice that the way the MAGGOT is chopped up
makes it perfect to play on shuffle to get a new record every time you play
it? I wish I had a multi disc player so I could play all the 3 new cds like
one big Melvins opus.

BundleOfHiss@aol.com
I just yesterday attended a Melvins show at Peabody's in Cleveland and
it has given me a new apprecitation for Stag. Mostly a fan of ancient
Melvins, after hearing about half of Stag played live, i have to say it was
fuckin awesome!

dave_jones@madasafish.com (David Jones)
This is my favorite album by the Melvins (except maybe Gluey Porch
Treatments). The Bit is just fuckin' heavy as fuck.Good album!

djslippy@ozemail.com.au (Scott Daniels)Stag is fantastic, it was my second attempt at listening to the
band, the first was Houdini which I just couldn't get into at all at the time ( I was a
lot younger, but it's still my least favourite). This album just blew my
mind though. Maybe they have gotten so good at irritating the main stream
public that you can't even bear. If this is the case then this album is too
a success. The point of the album to me is that everything is just so
wrong. Putting a fucked up trombone solo in the middle of a metal song with
fucked up timings and pissy hip hop scratching is just not right. your
right about "Lacrimosa" being one of the most annoying songs they have ever
done, which is why it's so great, I've watched people cringe in
actually physical pain while hearing this. The "interesting" production you
refer to is so much more than that, (Garth won a Canadian Grammy as
best producer for his efforts) The drums seem off mic or too mic'd for the
whole album as well as the array of extra goodies packed into the
background of the mix. This is Buzzo's favourite album and I tell you the
man is no dope. You said it yourself in an earlier review the essence of
the band is to strive to annoy. This album was blatant commercial suicide
when the band where already near to losing their contract. The Melvin's
continue to push the envelope it's a shame you got sealed inside it.

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
yup, no way near a personal favorite like The Maggot, but this`ll do…
however, I think songs like the bloat, tipping the lion and skin horse
work much better live. I`m currently working on goggles, hide is beautiful but first price
goes to..."BAR X THE ROCKING M". WOW!

abenson@isd.net (Zach)
Just a couple things! Stoner Witch rocked, and Stag rocked to,
how could anyone overlook Buck Owens????? That is heavy and fast and it
rocks! And to whomever equated the Beatles to Melvins really
shouldnt being listening to music..... Melvins could wup the Beatles ass anyday,

QHKJ@grove.iup.edu (Roger Ruben)
This was the first Melvins record I got. I think that Buzz might
have been influenced by the Fugs when he wrote Black Bock. Nice melodies with
even nicer lyrics. This stuff translates really well live. That
speaks volumes about the material, at least to me.

dodgy_haircut@hotmail.com
I feel Stag is definately another great Melvins album. Is it Goggles that
souds like horrible white noise, damn i have to skip that bastard, gives me
a headache. The bit rocks out in traditioal style, and wow Bar-X- is so cool
that guitar tone is pure heaven, speaking of which i also love the tone of
Berthas, that and captai pungent melt together sexily like butter on hot
toast. Tippig the lio is a bit soft, check out the reworked version on
Electroretard its a complete dirgirisation of the song. Skin horse is
"nice" till u get half way through then its a joke. Soup does sound like
Soup. Shit i love this album, first one i ever heard, now if i could find it
on CD instead of this tape i got from someone, then id be whole.

terry808@alltel.net
Very interesting experimintation.Mostly clean art-punk and pretty much different from anything in their
catalouge.Diffrent but not bad.Very good example of quiet,mellow Melvins.

nationjuarez@tutopia.com (Lionel M Jr)
Hey How?...

How anyone forgot to mentioned that "Goggles" on this very lousy-brilliant (lol) album it was produced and mixed by Alex Newport the Man Behind Fudge
Tunnel.

johncarson@ntlworld.com
Yous all forgotten about BUCK OWENS ???? Fuck me, that song is pure class!
This is one of the Melvins best albums...get your ass out there and steal it now !!

FaithNoMore0703@aol.com
i would like to say im a big melvins fan. sure they can piss people off when they put out records like prick or honkey but this is by far the most satisfying album i have listened to yet. stag is one of the best records of 96. it sounds like a typical melvins album but what do you expect they are unpredictable. go get this album if you can find it.

stevenjules@xtra.co.nz
Sometimes I love this album to death (The Bit), other times I want to throw it out the window (Yacobs Lab). Sometimes I want to play it loud for the whole street to enjoy (Buck Owens), other times I want to turn it into an expensive coaster (Sterilized). Sometimes I want to walk downtown with it tucked under my arm (Berthas), other times I 'd like to use it as a frizzbe (Skin Horse). Sometimes I wonder at it's beauty (Bar-X-the rocking M), other times the plain pitiful (Captain Pungent). Sometimes I think they' ve reached their peak (The Bloat), other times I wonder at their stupidty (Cottonmouth). Sometimes it sounds like Ride (Black Bock), other times they sound like crap (Soup). Sometimes they sound avant garde (Goggles), other times just contrived (Lacrimosa). Sometimes I want to jog on the spot (Tipping the Lion), other times makes me want to stand on this cd (Hide).

Comment: The word experiment should not frighten anybody about the Melvins by now.

My rating is 8 songs out of 16 are good = 5 out of 10 + 1 for being a cool band = 6 + 1 for being better than Buttholes Pioughd = 7

DArmstrong@bryson-architects.net (David Armstrong)
I love Stag, fecking great album from a flipping marvellous band, blarge
glipes.

steve.robey@mindspring.com
After much deliberation, I told the judge at 0200 hours, "Your honor, I
find the defendant, Stag by the Melvins, to be the finest single CD of
material the band has yet released, so help me God." It's the
culmination of their Atlantic phase, a tasty mix of their most
well-produced rock and their most experimental, progressive urges. I
wouldn't be ashamed to play this one for my progressive rock fans.
There are at least 6 utter classics on here, and the remaining songs
run the gamut from interesting to mesmerizing to merely very good.
10/10

strohs_MI@comcast.net
Could never choose a favorite Melvins song but if I had to I think it would be off this album. Lacrimosa is a gorgeous display of tragedy in music. The creepy string fills and the haunting vocals by that fucker in a cowboy hat. Still tha tman knows the beauty of sadness in music so I love him. The Bloat & Goggles kick way too much ass as well.

briantheisen84@yahoo.com
I will say this one can make me laugh. There are so many goofy sounding tunes on here-like Bar-x-the-Rocking M, which sounds like a fat guy with Buzz's fro waddling along. Or Black Bock whistle in the intro-before the lyrics about slitting the billy goat's throat. Or Skin Horse, which sounds like a cheesy coming of age anthem (with the way it goes from from quiet and introspective to the fake emotional buildup). I think there must have been a Krautrock influence here, even Black Bock gets pretty spacy midway through. And didn't Can also have piece called Soup? (and wasn't it annoying as well?) Yeah, half of it is annoying ambient pieces (which they would do much better on Honky) but I found Stag to be solid.

Oh, for the love of tennis, let's just
dumb the ramblebean and rap of Honky, one of the world's least-loved Melvins records. Although it's not a return to
heavy form, this was the point where - to MY ears - they finally got this "experimentation" thing right. Instead of
annoying joking around and smelly CD artwork (the Stag insert smells
like a motherfucking cocksucking tree or some other bullshit item found in
nature!), Buzz and the two other band members here effectively create
moods through drones and affectation (?). Parts of it sound a lot like late-'60s
Pink Floyd (post-Syd, but pre-Dark Side), and other bits resemble Ween,
strangely enough (especially the hilarious punch in the neck of Atlantic
Records which I believe is entitled "Laughing With Lucifer at Satan's Sideshow,"
but it's hard to tell because there are ten song titles, but eleven bands on
the vinyl). The dark and dismal "They All Must Be Slaughtered" is downright
haunting thanks to some eerie female vocals, both "Mombius
Hibachi" and "In the Freaktose the Bugs are Dying" rock and scream like only
old Melvins can, and most of the others are very keyboard-driven, but in a
moving way.

And sure, it still sounds like they haven't bothered
to write any songs, but at least the noises are really cool this time around.
It doesn't hurt that the cover is really black and spooky like that Metallica
album. If this had come out right after Houdini, I probably would be
bitching about it and giving it a 2, but having been prepared for it by the
mediocre Prick and only slightly better Stag, I find Honky
to be a very entertaining excursion into the realm of light noise-mongering.
Will they ever get back to actual songwriting? Well, I hope so, but in the
meantime, can't we all just dance together in the nothingness?

No??? Why?
Is my nose too big????

Blow it out your ass!!!!!

I apologize. :D

Did you enjoy my special happy man? I drew him just for you!

Reader Comments

pat.mclaughlin@sympatico.ca (Snotboy)
Without having heard any of their earlier releases, or the apparently
annoying Prick, i think Honky is their most solid effort of
the Atlantic/pos-Atlantic era.

You question if the Melvins are going to write songs anymore? I don't
think songs are important if they can come through with an entire album.
Unlike Stag or Stoner Witch, Honky actually feels like
a record. It has
a tone to it that seems to flow easily all the way through. I'm willing
to bet it'll be one of those Melivns records that age really well.

As far as the mystery of 11 bands, 10 tracks goes... The last track on
side one and the first track on side two are actually two halfs of the
same song. You'll notice there is no side 1/side 2 divders on the
sleeve or the album label. But, since i don't have it with me, i cant
tell you what the track is called. I'm going to guess and say it's
Air Breather ... Deep in the arms of Morpheous.

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James L. Tichenor)
Ah, the Melvans latest release, Honky, which i had no idea was
coming out until just in time. Let me just say this. Upon hearing it
once i was upset, almost angry:- the melvins had used electronic
drums?!?!?!? This felt almost like sacriledge to me, considering that
Dale is one of the heaviest hitting drummers of all time (might i add
most tasteful too?). But gradually i came to accept this album. I
agree with pat up there- this album is definately going to age well.
There are songs in there that are just amazingly beautiful, and songs(if
u can call them songs) that are downright ugly. Besides, Dale gets his
drummin' groove on in track 2, (forget the name) and in retrospect the
only dissapointing points in this album are the stupid funk song and
satan's sideshow. I know, I know, its hilarious, but it wears off after
a dozen listens dammit! This is the most extreme record theyve, or
anyone i believe, has put out in terms of conflicting moods and levels.

Pvismara@aol.com
What a great record. Desert island material, for sure. "In The Freaktose The
Bugs Are Dying" has to be among their very best. If nothing else, check out
the killer drumming. It nearly goes without saying that Dale C is one of (if
not the) finest drummers rock and roll has ever produced. I also love "They
All Must Be Slaughtered"-quite the haunting piece of music. If only they put
out albums as often as the beatles used to.

brainlab@powerup.com.au
Well I just picked up the Honky CD secondhand for $10 aust(that's good!)
I think it's a fucking killer!

I decided to get it because I like the Fantomas cd (Mike Patton-Vocals,
Dave Lombardo-Drums, Trevor Dunn-Bass, King Buzzo-Guitar) and Buzz's guitar
kicks mightily - definately recommended as well.

Honky is psychotic ambient music. Not sure about there other albums (a
friend has them and they seem a bit TOO rock!) But Honky is kickin for its
experimental nature.

WithTeeth@aol.com
I think that this is a fine example how the Melvins dont always have to be
heavy to make really good music. Too much of one style of music would make
the Melvins too monotonous.

hanamun@hotmail.com (Nick Higdon)
i thimk that the honky album kicks ass

i haven't heard much of their early stuff but only because i can't find
any

RudeKOLSD@aol.com
blah blah blah .........i got piss drunk with the king and others i.e mi
friends honky(little known band frum tx) at this years show at #s in
houston,the pot was on them!

uh.....honky.....yeah theyre mi friends ..........theyre frum tx..........me
toooo......theyre a band.........theyve been around before this melvins album
and they played with the melvins,afterwards we gut drunk on buzzos behalf(
he had weed)........its true

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
will you look at that! the melvins doing an industrial album. not like
ministry or as poppy as NIN but more like the butthole surfers.
although Honky has cool cover-art, contains lots of raw synthesized soundscapes,
you can`t get a melvins album without a rocker or two. Honky is no
exception! otherwise a nice, mellow album.

jyemiyuki@one.net.au
Hey,no one mentioned Lovely Butterfly! I played this song to my
last girlfriend(R&B fan) on our first date,now we are married!! The lack of HEAVY
from Stag and the Rest of Honky all come together in this 2 minute
slaughter.The rest of the album is a killer too.in more ways than one.

johncarson@ntlworld.com
You're wrong in giving this an 8....it doesnt deserve it by a LONG SHOT.

Dont give these fuckers your money for this album cos you will probably regret it. When they made this album i reckon they probably laughed to themselves at the thought of people
buyin it and convincing themselves that it is actually good, but it is infact a piece of crap. It's a bit like that story,.."The Emperors New Clothes" (or whatever it was called)

These designers (in this case the Melvins) made a new suit (album-honky) for the king (you) and at first the king (you) was extremely dissapointed because the suit (album-honky) was
such a piece of shit........infact it was so crap that it was supposed to be invisible...(only smart rich people could see it) so the king (you) said "ohh thats a fantastic suit........so he goes
about naked wearing nothin cos he WAS A FUCKIN IDIOT.

I hope you see what im trying to say here......... Honky=the Suit and the Suit=Crap.
Dont be like the emperor ......see the suit for what it is.

You know that David Bowie song that goes "Hey man, ah leave me alone. Hey man, oh Henry get off the phone"? Well, I just realized something -- my DOG'S name is Henry!!!

I love Amphetamine Reptile Records (their name is a play on "Amphibian Reptile" and it only took me 14 years to realize it), but this release makes absolutely no sense. Why release a Melvins live "EP"? Surely they played enough music at The F*cker Club to release a full-length "CD," and I don't think it would have cost any more to produce the discs. So what the lleh?

On the up side, the sound quality is blisteringly earth-thuddingly LIVE. The guitar and bass tones are so overbearingly loud, heavy and distorted that the amps unwittingly feed back dramatically every time a chord is dragged out too long. This ain't your father's underbassy trebly cymbal-too-loud live recording! Instead, it's raw, throbbing and as murky as a transparent man drinking a glass of motor oil.

Dude, wouldn't it be awesome to actually watch a transparent man drinking a glass of motor oil? Because you KNOW he'd throw up! It would be neat to watch as other contents of the stomach joined in with the dark viscous material to create the fine smelly multicolored mess we Americans call "?????? ?????."

On the down side, F*ckin' At The Living Theater includes only seven songs: two each from Bullhead (yeah!!!!) and Stag (shit.), and one each from Houdini, Honky and Eggnog (yeah! yeah! and yeah!). Sorry, I just find Stag annoying -- especially the stupid horn riff in "Bar The Rocking M," which is somehow reproduced on here (onstage trumpet? pre-recorded tape? fake trumpet noise made with mouth? these are all potential options). The Bullhead material POUNDS though, as well it should. Two other parts worth hearing include: (a) the band launching into "Cat Scratch Fever" before shifting gears into a fast muddy mess of "Antitoxidote," and (b) King Buzzo imitating Robert Plant's dumbassed onstage "Let That Boy Boogie" spoken prologue to lead the band into "It's Shoved."

Like many EPs, it's too short though. I saw the Melvins live twice, and the first time (during these here Mark D. years) the best thing about the show was the way they actively sought to annoy the hell out of the crowd (ten minutes of amp feedback and one bass note being thwacked every 30 seconds, etc) -- and it worked! I left! But there's none of that entertaining audience goat getting on here -- just songs, some of which rule (Fuckin' "Mombius Hibachi!" "Liz"motherfuckin'"zy!"), others of which can get a hairworm and go jump in a pool as far as I'm concerned ("The Bloat"? More like "The SCROTE," if I didn't already make that joke earlier!)(Which I feel like I did, quite frankly.)

If you want a live Melvins release, this one is more accurately recorded than Your Choice Live Series, what with the crackling distortion and "everything too loud" feel. But you'd might as well just go SEE a live Melvins show since I'm sure they'll be playing near you as soon as they hire their 4,000th bassist.

Reader Comments

escepticojr@hotmail.com
well, if you want a really really really good melvins live experience, you
should all get Salad of a thousand delights DVD. You can see the melvins
playing in a famous undergound club in Olympia, Washington(I guess) Joe
Preston-era, playing as loud as they can, with three cameras literally
floating around the wild audience which is smashed and crushed everytime
these fuckers start playing a song... in fact if you love "Zodiac" you
should see that amazing performance in that ol' sweaty stinky drunken
club... you'll get drunk only by watching it!

about this album is probably one of my least favorites live performances. I
give it a 6 and a half... and in "bar-X" they make the sound of the trumpets
with their mouths...as Kevin Rutmanis said "I always felt like that song is
a complete cows' rip-off!"...and he's right!

Cqwerv@aol.com (John)
Buzzo's "Let that boy boogie-woogie" rap is a parody of Billy Gibbon's rap on the live side of ZZ Top's "Fandango" LP, not Led Zep.

Michael.Nehl@GTECH.COM
Actually, ZZ Top stole the line "Let that boy, Boogie Woogie" from John
Lee Hooker... (they also stole his signature guitar lick)

Hmmm. Let's see. So the Melvins decide to put
out a limited edition single on Amphetamine Reptile records every month for an
entire year. Hmm. Then the record label decides to package them all together
on one low-priced double-CD. Hmm. Can anyone guess what the result might
be? How about... oh, I don't know... a bunch of ANNOYING FILLER????

Sure there are some great covers (Germs! Flipper!) and some funny audience
baiting and yelling and the odd noisy rarity, but mainly this is just a
bunch of slightly altered versions of album tracks, experimental noise and
half-assed metal tunes. This being the Melvins, it still has enough worthwhile
material to appeal to folks who may not already be familiar with how darned
good the Melvins can be when they really try, but (this also being the Melvins),
the "we don't give a crap if the music sucks" attitude wears a little thin
after two CDs. Not worthless, but not highly recommended either.

Reader Comments

emphasis@ulster.net
Melvins rule. Anyone that insults them or criticizes them in any way is
a fucking dimwit
gobchewing fuckwit.

mac24@bbhs.optuslearning.net.au
The melvins are a good band to listen to when stoned and there are also
very easy to play and I find it good to play their music on stage you
can have alot of fun doing this .if I'm not making sence it is because
I've just had five cones of northern lights and I am finding it very
hard to do shit or even breathe

Zbear21@aol.com
Great website, Mark.......it kicks ass. I really dig your review of the DK
discography especially. Man, Singles proves to be the most annoying album
these misanthropes have ever produced. All in all, this album is just ball-
breakin' noisy shit with some live vintage Melvin's tunes. Only hardcore
Melvins fans will really understand this sludge wasteland. Brutal Truth even
covers "Zodiac." Boy, doesn't King Buzzo and company get a kick out of
pissing off these pussy radio-oriented audiences! They damn near started a
total riot when they opened for NIN. Where's Jello Biafra when we need him,
damnit?

jllumbert@voyager.net
YES! Finally a site where it actually seems like the people
understand. Truthfully I bought my first Melvins record because I had
heard Kurt liked them...but after about 30 sec. of the first song I
shit. I skipped through the rest of the songs just to make sure the
first one wasn't a joke. I now own every record I can Find, have seen
them in concert twice (which is saying something for living in centeral
MI), and have taken up the guitar just to learn those riffs. I'm still
waiting for one of those "Seatle grunge legends" (besides Nirvana) to
give credit where credit is due. Do yourself a favor search out one of
their albums and crank it.

Pvismara@aol.com
Yeah, the album is annoying. Or, I mean, CD's. Definitely for Melvins fans
who can see through the crap. But don't you just love "In The Rain"? There's
a lot of bands that would benefit from playing a song like that, then deciding
it was dumb enough to record, then deciding it was dumb enough to release-and
most importantly, not really giving a shit if we liked it. I think the world
would be a better place.

RCarhawk@aol.com
I've heard everything from the melvins(except for Prick) and I've grown to
love every single one, hell I've even been listening to singles 1-12 lately.
Their newest release Live from the Fucker Club is also really good. But
getting to my point...when going through all these reviews and seeing that
all of the "true" melvins fans are downing any of their albums(except for
Prick of course) is absurd. The melvins are ingenious. And if only more
people realized that everything they've put out has been purely masterful,
well my fellow melvins lovers, the world would be a better place.........to
listen to the melvins in.........that is.

PatrickSchlimm@t-online.de
hi, sorry i don`t have the time right now to to give comments on all albums.
for melvins any superlative fits, they just rule forevermore! hey, where`s
that 3rd solo-ep?

I`ll give comments later on, see ya. hey, can anyone please send me the
tracklisting of gluey & ozma, i got them on the 2-on-one cd-edt. with no
song titles. thanks!

ese168@cwix.com
SPECIMEN oh my god! SPECIMEN! the reason that this is the greatest melvins
song of all time is simple:it sounds like they dont know what they are doing
yet they can play it the same way twice. I first heard this song LIVE at
the MARK in Moline when they opened for KISS. I was familiar with every song
they played but this one. I honestly thought they were just making a bunch
of noise to piss offf the crowd because they weren't getting a good
reaction. When i heard it a few months later on the singles collection i
about pooped my pants. it just dont get any better than this.

k.thurston@home.com (Ken Thurston)
I can't blame anyone for criticizing an album like this. First of
all, what fucking bonehead came up with the idea of releasing 12 singles in
a year!?!? IT CAN'T BE DONE! Not successfully anyways....well whatever.
Even though the "album" was shitty overall, some of my all-time
favourite melvins songs are on there.

LEXICON DEVIL: Have you heard the original (germs) version of this
song? Great as it is, the Melvins fuckin' rocked it through the roof like
only they can! One of life's great pleasures is to just crank this song so
loud that you can't even hear the neighbors banging on your walls anymore.
:o)

LEECH: What can I say? It doesn't matter how well or poorly they
play this song, it is tops. 'nuff said.

IT'S SHOVED: Sweet Momma!! Who can doubt the power of this live
version of It's Shoved? Yessiree-bob, this is where the glory that is Melvins
all comes together. For christ's sake it sounds like Dale's gonna put a
hole in his freakin' kick drum!

Then there was the second CD..........
I think they just kinda ran out of material about six months through
the year and let the management take old tracks and an AWFUL cover of
Zodiac (that singer sounds like the Godfather!) and just paste em together for
800 measely sales..........ah well Honkey was good.

and by the way mark.......where is you review for Alive at the F*cker
Club?

djslippy@ozemail.com.au (Scott Daniels)
This is a release for Melvin's fan like myself who missed out on
the individual releases, if your a fan and like their humour this
is a great set. Some
filler but what compile of B-sides isn't. But the gems in this
package make it essential for any Melvin's fan. For the record
Specimen floors me like
nothing else promising to be a fast paced metal tune before degrading
into sludge straight from the bowels of hell totally awesome. The two live
shows go wrong are the greatest and definitely funniest audience revenge
I've ever heard. "Jacksonville" must have been shear torture for anyone in
the crowd who wasn't enjoying them before they fought back.

kezzbynoza@hotmail.com (Kevin By)
this is filler material. i spent a bunch of cash on this double CD.
i had some good expectations for it but cuz of tracks like "Pigtro" and
"Fast Forward", i feel a little ripped off.
you end up skipping half like crazy all of the time.
BUT on the good side, there's lots of maddd shite here. like Specimen
for
instance. it's one of my favorite Melvins tracks. it beats the hell of
anything on Stag. i rate this one 10/10 up there with Goggles.
it definitely should've been included on Stag.
i agree Mark, the Melvins attitude towards the whole makin'
music-thingy wears a little thin after two fockin' CDz.
also, disc two contributes with a couple'o amusing live jams. the
Melvins way of givin' it to all the stupid geezers out there...
In The Rain; also good. i'll be honest and say that i don't listen to these two discs much but
it's nice to have lying around, becuz you never know, right?

terry808@alltel.net
This definately lets the punk shine through.This is by far one of my favorite Melvins albums.

Awesome punk.I like just about all of these songs.This is definatley one of my favorites.It's a must have for
anyone who loves what The Melvins can do with punk.Buzz combines the punk style with Black Sabbath
melody and makes one awesome bang.Truely a masterpiece.

Yes, I was immediately biased towards this record
since the man behind the bass is none other than Mr. Kevin Rutmanis from my
favorite rock band in the whole wide world, The Cows. But still, the album
KICKS!!! They've FIIINALLLYYYY decided to become a loud heavy rock band again, and the result is a plodding,
headbanging metal grunge delight. Love it to death, as Mr. Vincent
Furnier may have said at one time in this nation's heyday.

But I most add that -- unlike in the Cows -- it's difficult to make out what (if anything) Rutmanis is actually DOING on most of this CD. He plays a mindblowing roly-poly bass line in "judy" (the bass line was literally composed by a pill bug) and stirs up a hurricane of distorted slide bass evil in "see how pretty, see how smart," but in the other six tracks, he seems to be playing exactly what Buzz is playing -- unless that's him creating all the ear-gouging amp feedback in "AMAZON" (one of the greatest, queasiest Melvins riffs of ALL TIME! And a not-half-bad place to buy an online book too).

Regardless, the music is heavy heavy heavy - trudging, killing, awesome, fast and headbanging at times, slow and quicksand-esque at others. And who doesn't love a band annoying enough to spread every song over two track numbers, rendering "random" play impossibly irritating?

Also, they cover "The Green Manalishi," meaning I now own that song by the Melvins, Corrosion of Conformity and Judas Priest, while having never in my life heard the original version by Fleetwood Mac.

Which is really too bad because Lindsay Buckingham fuckin' TEARS!!!!

Reader Comments

Muppet8390@aol.com
5/25/99 - I have just finished my first listen of the Melvin's newest,
The Maggot. I am blown away! Finally the Melvins have returned to what they
do best...this is the best thing since Bullhead or Lysol. The album will
definitely please die hard Melvins fans and even make some new ones. The
album moves quickly, hardly giving you a breather...gone are the long noise
interludes (ala Stag or Stoner Witch) that kept you jumping to the next
track. Buzz's heavy guitar lets loose throughout and aside from some reverb
on his voice, weird effects and instumenation are kept to a minimum. The
cover of "The Green Manalishi" is epic in its proportions and there is
nothing I can say but this is the best! If you like the Melvins at all you
must have this one.

kavrbck@megsinet.net (Paul)
It's really heavy, like
gluey porch treatments or lysol or something. Not as many riffs
now, I think they were just concentrating on making it as heavy as possible.
Pretty good, although I'm more interested in what the other albums their
putting out this year will sound like.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna see them in concert in July too, it should kick ass.

jltichenor@earthlink.net (James Tichenor)
THe Melvins have returned to the basics- but that dont mean theyre short
on originality or ass kicking tunes!!!! Maggot is a fine new inclusion
into the melvins world. Dude, this album is so fucking evil and heavy i
can't believe it. THis baby's got it all! Have you seen the credits
for it? Dale is playing guitar and singing in addition to lending his
unique brand of percussion. The slide bass will have your speakers
ringing and those riffs just kick ass. My god, if anyone thought the
melvins were in danger of becoming stale and boring, think again true
believer. I was expecting a lot of things when i first put this ditty
in the cd player but it was completely unpredictable. If anything the
Melvins are more bizarre than ever. And there's two more to be
following soon!!!!!!

bill@oven.com (Bill French)
MMMMMMMMMMELVINS!!!!

dmcgregor@mindspring.com
Forget the new bullshit, e.I. Lit and the rest of these pansy-ass newcomers.
Let buzz and the boys repave the road back to the golden days of grunge. The
Maggot is the latest sludge-factory of evil filth driven rock. The songs
are goddamn hardcore love ballads with a twist of lemon. the best song on
this album, without a doubt is AMAZON. Everyone will descend into a new
level of insanity with the song JUDY. Goodbye and E-mail me to discuss the
upcoming shows.

gleather@bigfoot.com (Glen)
I don't usually contribute to Intenet discussions, but
I had to add my opinion of the new disc from the
Melvins. It is absolutely the ROCK for 99. Bands
like Korn and Pantera should be ashamed of
themselves.

Melvins23@aol.com
It's the Melvins... You gotta LOVE IT!!!!!

InMyEyes82@aol.com
I've got to add my comments about the new Melvins album. Holy shit, does it
rock like a MOTHER. I mean, the production is incredibly bass heavy but not
too much so, and Buzz's playing is more intricate and powerful than ever
before. And how about the end of that one song when it turns all distorted
and Dale goes apeshit on the drums? Eh? I especially love the Peter Green
cover; it's beautiful AND undeniably heavy, as is the entire album. I think
it's their best album yet. 10/10

gsundin@cellophane.com (Gregg Sundin)
Yuck. What can I say but "Damn, do people get lame when they get old."
Peter Green? Fleetwood Mac? I had only hoped it was a joke. Then the last
show at the Velvet Elvis (a Seattle All Ages club which finally shut down)
these old bastards talked & talked like some sick windbags at an old folks
home. Come on Buzzo- I know you're funny but save your stories for an
interview. Enemy Mine (part of Godheadsilo) blew them away. Too bad Calvin
Johnson produced the record cause he sucks. (Though I may even be able to
get by the fact that old man Calvin had his creepy mittened paws on the
mixing board & put it on my stereo.) But back to the Melvins. I've been a
fan forever... from the 1st 7" on... and I'm not a buttrocker or a hesher.
Punk Rock! The Melvins were the metal band for the punk rocker. Oh yes,
speaking of Punk Rock only KILLDOZER was ever ever ever able to cover
shitty 70's songs without being horrible wastes of cells. And to the losers
that have to skip by the "noisy" songs on the cds... "take your mama car
home nigga" (to steal a line from the last Aphex Twin video). Buzzo does
have the 2nd coolest hair in rock with the massive afro but I think EYE
from the Boredoms beats him out with the 40 pound dreadlocks. Hey- EYE is
an old man like Buzzo and is even a hippie but he doesn't have to play
straight versions of Fleetwood Mac. Go put your stupid TOOL records back on
& maybe put a rebellious sticker on your car... I'm busy wishing I was 8
feet tall & beating the piss out of you.

elves@boreal.org (Doug Tuttle)
Melvins Lame?...No way!! I saw them last week in Minneapolis and
witnessed the most amazing concert I have ever seen(Tool comes a close
second).The new songs off of The Maggot translate very well live. It is
great to know that in this great sea of crappy music the Melvins will
shine like a beacon to guide me home....If you like Melvins you should
also like Kyuss, check them out.

jdberner@home.com (John D. Berner)
First of all, you're webpage pissed me off because you did not do a
review on one of the greatest bands in the world, the WIPERS. Second of
all, anyone in their right mind would rate all MELVINS', NIRVANA,
MUDHONEY and WIPERS' (ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVE HEARD OF THEM) a 10 for
every single album they've done!!!!!

jbrooks@amano.com (Joel Brooks)
I guess Gregg Sundin is wishing he was eight feet tall cuz by his "review"
he sounds like a 4' 2" (Udo of Accept)
bald, frustrated rocker ( who never learned how to play any instrument) now
" critic ". Go put a Social D sticker on your moped and sell your Melvins
7". You don't want your friends to think you Really like them............

geedot@enter.netThe Maggot rules. It is possible to listen to it all the way through,
and that's not often been the case with a Melvins record post-1992. I saw
them live in July, and they kicked ass--Dale pounding the shit out of his
awesome drumset (gong, kettledrum, weird-ass cymbals), Buzz sawing at my
ears, and Kevin vibrating my stomach. Out of all the songs on this album,
"AMAZON","manky", and "see how pretty, see how smart" were my favorites,
this being true live as well. After all the experimentalism they put me
through, I got no choice but to give it a 9--not as good as GPT, but
better than all their other albums except that and Bullhead.

ese168@cwix.com
yes this record is very good.HOWEVER! I would like to be the first to say I
want Mark D. back. With his cowboy outfits ten gallon hats and that
ever-present silly grin he was the bad acid trip that made the melvins
scary. i met him in Iowa City on the stoner witch tour and he was the nicest
guy of the bunch. kevins stage presence just isnt of the same caliber.

Dontdreamitbeit@aol.com
what band was the original writer of the green manalishi thats one of my
favorites on the maggot and isnt one of the new ones coming out either
the
crybaby or the boot licker suppost to have a version of smells like teen
spirit on it

and almost everyone that said something about the singles where fuckin says
shit about it i personally like that album but im fucked up in the head

djwills@acsworld.net (Donald J Wills)The Maggot has to rate as one of the best Melvin's albums of all
time. It's a return to heaviness. Some of it sounds like Bad Brains and some
of it sounds like Black Sabbath, but there is no mistaking that it is KING
MUTHERFUCKIN' BUZZ. Go buy this record now! If you feel experimental pick up
the other two discs in the trilogy also.

RudeKOLSD@aol.com
11/17/99- ive finally read all this crap while ill give credit fur the time
consuming task it took to review these albums over a LENGTHY period of time
,ive noticed most of these DUMBASSES THAT RESPOND TO THE REVIEWS moan and
croon how much some albums suck and shit but to me in MY insane mind theyre
stupid posers ,if uve been a melvins fan since the mid eighties like i have
,ull notice that while stylings vary frum album to album u must admit the
melvins sound like the melvins anyways, nobody plays thier shit or shit like
thiers or even cums close , point being the melvins r the melvins ,and as
pathethic and as cheesy as they r or sound that was theyre whole purpose i.e.
diffrent kinds of weed yielded them diffrent albums but non the less we were
still stoned ................im biased im friends with a retard who goes by
the name of buzz and the one in the back is called dale nut dell!

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
hey, this is where yr supposed to add yr thoughts on ANY album right?
well, since i`ve just discovered the Melvins and bought The Maggot as
my first one, i`ll review it.
it`s been a looong long time since i first heard of the band (yupp,
the Melvins) and almost 4 years since i first heard an album (the Stoner
Witch). back then i didn`t quite get Buzz & co. so i stumbled upon Kyuss
instead. anyhoo, Melvins' music kept nagging my mind and finally i ordered The
Maggot, lucky me. now, what a start! i say this album is 1 big
energy-buble bursting at the end of "see how pretty, see how smart".
i don`t think i have any words whatsoever for it...no i don`t. i can`t
believe it! one big fukkin' lump of energy, man! it got it all - in-your-face
punk rock (the horn bearer), slow n'
heavy sludge-anthems (manky), noize-arrangements (which i live for) and
those sloooowly building soon-to-exploding riffs (see how pretty...). in the
sheer Tool spirit, which i also have learned to love - Tool the rockband,
that is... i am just about to complete the trilogy and then go on to buy off my
friends Stoner Witch (which i heard back in '96) and Stag. i have a feeling,
Stag might be right up my ally (i`ve actually had a sneak preview of it
about a year ago). also, after hearing sooo much about how great Bullhead is, i might
just go for that one too.

PS! i was only fucking wit y'all - i remember now that i got Gluey
Porch Treatments on LP. listened thru it one time and MAAAN that`s some
strange shit. like a fucked up "Louder Than Love"...

terry808@alltel.net
Good re-entry into their original style.In my opinion a little to heavy and extreme,but much influence from
Ozma.Great comeback.

uglytruth@hotmail.com (Hossein Nayebagha)
A metal record with a good sound production...hardly experimental; nothing
more,nothing less. 7/10.

The Melvins with clean guitars!?!? Interesting
concept. It's not even "experimental," per se; it's just the Melvins
with clean guitars. If you were to play these songs with distortion and Buzz
howling instead of singing, they would sound just like regular Melvins songs,
but as they are, they sound like heavy cocktail jazz! It takes a few listens
for its originality to become clear, but it eventually does. These are some really
good songs! Cool bass lines especially. If there really is a "concept"
to this 3-disc set, so far it seems to be the story of Nirvana (starting off
really noisy, then becoming much more accessible for radio play, then hitting
it big with "Teen Spirit," the intro to which is hidden at the end of this
CD). So what will the next one sound like? Your guess is as good as mine,
but I hope it's better than In Utero.

Reader Comments

InMyEyes82@aol.com (Zach English)
I saw the Melvins last night (mindblowing show) and I picked up an advance
copy of the second trilogy CD The Bootlicker. It's completely unlike
anything I've heard from the band. I don't think there is one moment on the
entire album when Buzz plays a power chord or the band attempts anything
heavy at all! No palm muting either! But what we do get is like these cool,
dark, jazzy stoned out songs that are REALLY bass heavy. I think it's even a
better album than the Maggot, which also kicked ass, because it's really
diverse and interesting. I would compare the sound to the Jesus Lizard song
"Trephination".

PritchettR@aol.com
I have not heard The Maggot yet but I saw them on their tour with Mr.
Bungle last friday here in Dallas. Man-o-man..........I can't wait to pick
up this album because their set list of the evening truly kicked ass like the
Melvins of old! To this very day, nobody else can play as slow and brutally
heavy........it's kinda scary. Kevin, from the Cows, added his nasty-flowing
base sound to the trio and King Buzzo totally ripped it up as always. Of
course, I enjoyed watching Dale beat the shit out of drums while some fucking
moron threw some bear cans at him. I think mt ears ar still ringing.

cccustom@olynet.com (Steve Combes)
I dont have anything to say about maggot but i hope you werent
serious about the cows i saw them once open for tool and they got booed of
the stage. I have seen the melvins w/ kevin and it was excellent but the
cows truly suck..

f.l.johns@worldnet.att.net (Fred Johns)
I'm listening to the Melvins' new record, The Bootlicker, as I type
this, and I have to say that, without a doubt, this album is seriously
fucked up in the traditional (yet somehow not) Melvins sense of the term.
Bootlicker is pure melvins voodoo...not heavy, but quite a mover
nonetheless. The closer, "prig", begins in this wacky electronic retarded
jumble but is quickly corrupted into what sounds like a burning church,
which fades into a guy snoring (probably the band poking fun at all the
doubters out there), then into a slow, quiet number that seemingly ends the
record. However, the boys tacked something truly hilarious (or disturbing,
depending on your outlook) onto the very end. Check the damn thing out for
yourself and see what I mean.

n9717129@cc.wwu.edu (Dan Ward)
I've only listened to The Bootlicker once, but I really like it (of
course, this being the Melvins, maybe that means I'll hate it in a few
listens), in fact more so than The Maggot, because it's different! It
reminds me a lot of a better edited Stag (but it's 'experimental' in a
different way) with a lot more bass -- as if the Melvins decided to
see how heavy they could be without distortion. The production is
better than The Maggot, too, because you can actually hear the drums!
I give it a 9, although I thought about giving it an 8, because a few
bits are just stupid. Who needs tolerance for other people's musical
tastes, anyway? But then I thought about how much 'Black Santa'
rules, and I gave it the extra point.

brillr@remltd.com (Ian Brill)
I saw the melvins 8/28 and i couldn't believe that music could be so
powerful. i believe now though! the air turned into cottage cheese
with dale's amazing drumming, kevin's fantabulous bassing, and king's
ricockulous guitaring. kevin and dale both had gongs playing and adam
from tool backed them up on a few songs. i believe that the melvins do
to 70's hard rock what the pixies (my no.1 band) does with 60's pop
which is take a classic type of music, turn everything up 100 fold, give
it some wierd arrangements and having the siner sing some wierd
gibberish over all that. i wonder if the pixies ever used gongs. like
T-rex says "bang a gong, get it cheap!"

ChiefBT@aol.com
Undoubtly, the greatest band,........EVER!

BIDMOR@aol.com
These two albums are fucking scary man. No one has mentioned the underlying
concept yet but, my friend, there is indeed a concept. It's too horrifying to
speak of in an open forum such as this, but there are some big clues as to
what it's about,namely the hidden blurb at the end of the bootlicker. That's
all I'm saying 'cause I value my existance, but try to see where I'm coming
from. Listen to these albums repeatedly and maybe you shall see...maybe.
manky? We'll just have to see what the crybaby's all about. All in good time.

Lane.Smith@chron.com
I agree with BIDMOR...there is an underlying theme with this trilogy.
Hopefully The Crybaby will shed some light because I have not yet been
able to figure what it all means.....but with that being said...all you
have to do is listen to Maggot and Bootlicker back-to-back and you will
pick up the common thread between the two. Sleigh bells a ringing!

b412@texas.net
yes. the bidmor guy knows what's up. where you hiding, currrie? what
did you do? whose two legs are we looking at? love, ann landers.

p.s.- jesus is lard.

sovtek100@yahoo.com (Tom Marschal)
After reading through some of your pages and enjoying
the one or other laugh I finally made it to the Melvs.
Not being their greatest worshipper, I know for sure
the world would be an even fucked upper place if it
wasn't for these weirdos with too big amplifiers. But
that's not the reason why I believe that this is the
most interesting page in the whole of merry old
Prindleland. The reason is those visionary men from
the likes of Thomas Rickert and John D. Berner who
didn't hesitate to mention the names of two of by far
the most divine rock groups this world has ever seen.
And here they come again:

THE WIPERS and the mighty mighty mighty mighty mighty
KYUSS.

Prindle, ain't no question you've got taste, you've
got knowledge, you've got wisdom, so how can it be you
missed out on them totally. I mean, I just don't
understand.

Since it seems to mean something on this site, I now
give you the information that Greg Sage's WIPERS have
been covered two times (on record that is) by Kirk
Obtain's group CHIMPANZA. Didn't you say you do give a
fuck about excellent songwriting?? Let me tell you
something, if nobody else does, then I will have to
get on the WIPERS job, in order to make Your sorry-ass
site complete.

And Prindle, and everybody else who might read this:
This is an order!! If you haven't already, go to your
record shop and buy KYUSS' Sky Valley TODAY!! Don't
listen to it at first! BUY IT!! Goddamn, am I talking
Hebraic or what!? And on the next day buy their
...And The Circus Leaves Town. And then you'll see.

And now I'll go put on a MELVINS record, because it's
Friday night and I'm alone at home. Shit... where's ma smoke?

tmcurtis@mindspring.com (Mike Curtis)
Do youself a favor and buy The Maggot and The Bootlicker RIGHT NOW! Just when you
thought any new music sucked here come the Melvins with not 1 but 2 ass
kicker albums in a year (and I think the Crybaby should be out before too
long). These albums are filled with classic Melvins sludge, so fat and
heavy that Buzzo seems to have bass strings and 20 foot neck on his guitar.
I rate both of these albums as 2 of the Melvins best

geedot@enter.net (Dottor Family)Bootlicker is just as good as Maggot, which is to say both are fuckin awesome

devidwinter@iol.it
I really love every single album of the Melvins, but Bootlicker
(maybe with Stoner Witch) is my favourite.
Songs are heavy, even if there isn't distortion, and the singing of King is
pretty awesome.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but according to
the Jan/Feb 99 issue of MaximumRocknRoll; after
Buzz kicked Lori out of the group she started
abusing heroin in a very serious way.

Even her family wouldn’t help her, she became
a homeless alchoholic and sadly she died of an
overdose of heroin/cocaine on Dec 5th, 1998.

This is why the Melvins always abruptly change
the subject whenever it comes up in interviews.

hap@iastate.edu (Hap Sneed)
The melvins are just soooo under rated! So talented and uncompromising.
Fantomas are way good too. Bless Mike Patton for signing them to Icepac.

geedot@enter.net
Brad Black is wrong, Lori is alive and in a good band called Acid King

gregory@aligntech.com (Gregory Emley)
brad black is wrong!!!!lori is in san francisco,and plays in the mighty ACID
KING!!!!!!

kavrbck@megsinet.net (Paul Averbeck)
great album, very funky. i dig those bass lines. it's odd hearing a melvins
album without the guitar out in front, especially compared to
the maggot.
but lori black is not in acid king, that is dale's wife lori crover
(different lady), who also kick ass. and if you like heavy stuff, get
fantomas.

wtfennessey@bresnanlink.net
i like the melvins!! they are like cheese goats just waiting to be
eaten. or like the king mongoose who lives high above the sri lanken
forest, land of serendipity. i used to worship my own ass, but ever
since i listened to the melvins- i just appreciate it. thanks guys- you rock

susan@junct.com (David "Stinky" Ryals)
FUCK KYUSS, ALREADY

berquana@exotrope.net (Z Schoonover)
I'm just glad to see that I am not the last person on earth who loves the
Melvins.

frankjames29@anonymous.to (Bob James)
Brad Black is right! I saw that issue of MaximumRocknRoll where they did an
extensive obituary of all the underground punk and alternative performers
who had O.D.’d or killed themselves. It was called 'Sid’s Kid’s'. They had
stuff in there about Lori Black, Will Shatter (Flipper), The Germs, GG
Allin, Jason Thirsk. They also had a 4 page article about Sid Vicious at
the very end of it.

wtfennessey@bresnanlink.net
i wish there was hot girl melvin fans, so i could date them and listen
to melvin cds as we make out and carress each other's feet.

MELISSAKURT@webtv.net (Eduardo Cortinas)
im a nirvana fan n thats how i heard bout the melvins n i dont no y
but i feel as if ur not giving nirvana credit. the melvins DID start
grunge in a way cuz thats where all the *grunge* bands got their inspiratin
from. but u have 2 admit that if it wouldnt have been 4 nirvana me n a
hole bunch of other ppl would of probably waited a long time 2 hear
some good music. i think that itz a shame that there rn't more GOOD
bands out there on the radio.im out.melvins r cool.

Paulahuffman@email.msn.com
whatever happened to the project with the melvins and mike kunka from
godheadsilo. they were supposed to have 3 basses on that record

a9501672@unet.univie.ac.at (Sylvia Valentin)
well im kind of this hot girls (melvins) but far away from you and i
just would like to know the title of the latest album.
so please and i caress your feet virtually and let yourself to your imagination - and
to my ones.

LandCruiser96@aol.com
That's what is so great about buying a new Melvins.....you never know
just what the hell you're getting yourself (and wallet) into. Bootlicker
is no disappointment, I give it an 8/10. It's not all distorted and
abrasive like the Maggot but the end result is still HEAVY in that wierd Melvins
sort of way. I'm listening to the Crybaby right now and it's worth picking up
simplyfor the one they did with Tool and the Jesus Lizard cover
(blockbuster).

Time to roll another one. Melvins rule.

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
I love Toy! the “toy – toy – toy – toy” wisper thingy. really great.
apart from the wonderful final pink floydish part of prig, it`s really
up the dumper and mary lady bobby kins which manages to catch me in a
moment. melvins really play with clishès here and turn them into their
advantage. “let it all be” also work way better studio than live while I can`t say
the same for jew boy flower head. much of the music performed on the
Bootlicker reminds me a lot of dark mid 90’s primus. primus epics like “bob” haunt
songs like black santa, now I grew up listening a lot to primus and I
definitely feel the vibe. on the other hand, primus’ pork soda is no
consistent album but The Bootlicker is. it`s well thought through and
is just as scary as pork. The Bootlicker is definitely giving the melvins
catalogue a new dimension.

uglytruth@hotmail.com (Hossein Nayebagha)
This must be the best Melvins album I've heard,out of five. There's always
been something creative about the band, and if you ask me...this is where
most of it is presented. There are moments that aren't brilliant..but I
still haven't heard any other Melvins album that hasn't been a bit degraded
thanks to too many mistake. 8/10.

briantheisen84@yahoo.com
This might be my favorite, but it is unusual for them. Let It All Be is my favorite Melvins tune though! The drum pattern! The Bass twangs! The creepy wah-wahs! I'm violent with the hands in my head! It sounds like the Melvins' take on Tom Waits or something. Plus it sounds awesome live with the two drummers. Jew Boy Flowerhead is also cool along the same jazzy lines, the Tiki-man vocals on Black Santa is hilarious, and that song at the end of Prig (no, not Teen Spirit) brings tears to the eye. Plus, there's a real isolated surreal feel to this album, like wandering around a city at three in the morning and returning to your disheveled apartment al'a Small Change. Plus I have too many good memories listening to this one during that fatefull summer of '02.

PILES OF SHIT IN MY URINE SAMPLE
By Mark Prindle
The doctor asked me for a urine sample
I told her my kidneys were plenty ample
I grabbed the cup and pulled out my weiner
When in walked the office's janitor cleaner
I was so startled, my bowels let loose
Plopping log after log in my cup of dick juice
I walked back outside, gave my cup to the doctor
She asked "Is that all?" so I screamed "CUNT!" and clocked her

Sadly, none of these songs can be found on the Melvins' Live At
Slim's 8-track cartridge. On the bright side, however, it's an
8-track cartridge!!! What kind of an asshole releases an 8-track
cartridge in the year 2000!?! Does anyone even still OWN an 8-track
player? If so, why!?

I don't know if you young people are familiar with 8-track cartridges,
but they suck to high hell. The songs are separated onto four different
"programs" that you can click back and forth between (in other words,
program one might have the first four songs, program two the next three,
and so on). But you can't fast-forward or rewind; you can only switch
between the four programs. Unfortunately, because songs are never the
same length, if you listen to the first song on program one and then
decide you don't want to hear the second song, the other three programs
are already in the middle of their respective songs! So
basically, you either listen to a cartridge all the way through or
accept the fact that you're never going to hear any song in its
entirety.

The Live At Slim's 8-track is even more aggravating than most
8-tracks due to Life Is Abuse's decision to dub the 6/17/99 SF concert
onto used cartridges of varying lengths. This means that not only is
the sound quality horrible, but some of the songs are split onto two
different programs (meaning that there is a loud CLICK in the middle of
the song as the program switches) and several of the cartridges are
missing the last six songs entirely!

The set list is fine, featuring five Maggot songs, two each from
The Bootlicker and Stag, and one each from Honky,
Lysol, Eggnog, Ozma and Gluey Porch Treatments. But the
murky monophonic bootleg sound drains every ounce of power and dynamics
from the performance, leaving behind an empty husk of poorly-recorded
muffled metal. In fact, the individual members of the crowd are often
louder than the band! The only thing that saves the endeavor from
complete unlistenability is that the band's sludgy slow material
actually sounds fine when muffled. It's only the few fast songs (mainly
"Manky" and "amazon") that suffer and turn into indecipherable clumpy
racket.

There's very little stage patter too - pretty much nothing but Buzz's
statement over the "Eye Flys" intro that "This is off our first album.
One of my favorite songs I've ever written. I wrote that in 1986! And
I think Kevin plays it sexier than anyone we've ever had in the band."
Elsewhere he's content to, in the words of The Joe Perry Project, "Let
The Music Do The Talking."

Three stray thoughts:

Can I assume that the song title "Jew Boy Flowerhead" is a take-off on
the Didjits' "Killboy Powerhead"? I hope so because I just posted that
on MelvinsWiki.

Can I assume that Kevin Rutmanis sings a line from "Mr. Tambourine Man"
at the beginning of The Maggot as a parody of Kris Novoselic's
"Get Together" gag at the beginning of "Territorial Pissings"? I hope
so because I just posted that on MelvinsWiki.

Can I assume that none of Buzz's lyrics make a single bit of sense at
all even a tiny bit? I've been reading a bunch of them on MelvinsWiki
this afternoon and can't make heads nor tails of them! Here's an
example:

Eight times a fell a foe fi
Like overcast and clean
I gotta motor felt the wheel
Real fashion peel.
Try jackin blacken for more
Handcuff for special keys
Tribblize and neck down divide
This'll be his size.

Throw the case a plasticine down
Maybe after you more lay
Ain't about to pick my rounds
Sister's in my way.
I'm as fast as my own stand
Clean glass and most of all
Been around the sore retain
Language in the wall.

And that's "Honey Bucket," probably my favorite song they've ever
recorded! Is Buzz just crankin' my wang? If so, why is Dale Crover
letting him pull my chain? Come on Lorax, tell Buzz to quit jivin' my
turkey. And why is Joe Preston letting him grab my butt? Come on Kevin
Rutmanis, tell Buzz to stop joshin' my bean. And where does Matt Lukin
get off letting him test my waters? Come on Jared Warren, tell him to
quit sneezin' my knees. And what's up with Coady Willis letting him
have my fun? Come on Mark Deutrom, tell Buzz to stop chappin' my hide.
And why is Mike Dillard allowing him to wind me up? Come on David Scott
Stone, get off the stage.

For the record, I saw the Melvins live on April 19, 1994 in Chapel Hill,
NC and they annoyed me so much that I walked out! (I had gotten in
free, and wasn't that big a fan yet. I finally became one in late 1996.)
(Not due to Stag though; I didn't much care for that one and
still don't). I didn't see them perform again until May 23, 2003 in New
York, NY. I enjoyed the dirtlights out of this performance, and was
also wowed and overjoyed by Melt-Banana, of whom I hadn't heard prior to
the evening! (I have since acquired all of their CDs.)

Now if you'll excuse me, The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra is patiently
awaiting sheet music for "Piles Of Shit In My Urine Sample."

Reader Comments

almighty.boognish@gmail.com
Melt-Banana rule. Their '666' 6" is fucking awesome. And only three-minutes!

I think the best part about being a Melvins fan is that just when you think you could not possibly need anymore releases, you find more.

The Melvins are smart. And bizarre. And funny. I've given up trying to
find meaning in the trilogy, and have settled for finding incredible
enjoyment in the prolific, varied output of one of the greatest, most
creative and most idiosyncratic bands in existence. But enough about me!
Let's talk about sex!

This album is about collaborations. Every single song is a collaboration
with another artist or artists from a variety of genres. Meaning that the
album hardly sounds like the Melvins at all! But you can tell
it's them, of course. It's too fucked up and heavy to be anybody else.

So
anyways, you got country music, grunge, industrial, a
(semi)-tribute to the band YES, a cover of one of the best songs the Jesus
Lizard ever did, some funny samples, lots and lots of noisy, wasted space
and guest appearances by David Yow, Hank Williams III, Henry Bogdan, Mike Patton and none other than Devil Times Five's Leif Garrett, who sings "Smells Like
Teen Spirit" in a disappointingly boring manner, but heck it's still a
catchy song, heh? HEHEHEHEH?.

I really like cheapy CDs and albums. In fact I have a new
motto for record stores I visit -- "No cheapy bin, no Marky Prin!" I just
got back from Atlanta where I bought about FORTY of them, for Jesus and
Mary's Chain! For some reason, I simply needed that
Tygers of Pan Tang album. And Ratt's "Out of the Cellar"? Come on. I'd
have to be some kind of FAG not to buy that one! And fags? Oh, FUCK fags!
I love 'em like a brother. And if they hit on me, I would feel honored
because it's always kind of hard to tell whether you're attractive or not.
My girl made my hair spikey and bleached the tips so I look like I might be
homosexual. I'm actually not - people always say that everybody harbors at
least SOME homosexual feelings, but I honestly don't! I just don't find
guys very attractive. For that matter, I don't really find all that many
girls attractive. But fags are a good lot and they should be allowed to get
married. Fucking Christians. Fuck you, Christians!

What in Sam Nation
was I talking about?

Oh yes, and the album also includes Foetus, Skeleton
Key, Tool, Godzik Pink (don't know who they are, but when they finally get
their big break, they're going to be HUGE. They'll never have to work
again. And more power to them! What does Steve Albini know? Bitter old
shitkicker.), Bliss Blood and Kevin Sharp from Brutal Truth. They're all on
the CD, spreading their virus of lies and deceit all over the gum-chewing
macgarnagle that is the Melvins.

Good? Great album. Takes a few
listens, though. It is definitely the most "experimental" of the trilogy,
and a lot of the stuff (like the 14-minute Tool song) seems to wallow in the
excess of noise and mood. But if you let yourself fall into the mood (which
is VERY easy to do, just like on Honky), you're gonna love the damn
thing. It's extraordinarily interesting and diverse, while still being
really creepy, noisy and Melvinsy.

I'm serious -- there are VERY few bands
left that are doing anything interesting. These guys ARE, and they've
released three astonishingly smart and entertaining CDs within the space of
a year. That's good. That's very good. Hate the Melvins if you want to,
but they've never followed trends and have
never done what their audiences want them to do. Trailblazers, smart as
fuck and fucked as smarties.

Reader Comments

OlBuzzo@aol.com (Daniel Dickson)
The final of the trilogy is finally out. It was awesome! On a scale of
Melvin's albums I'd give it an 8. My 10's would be Bullhead, GPT, Stoner
Witch, and Bootlicker and Maggot too. And God said, " Let there be Melvin's,
and saw it was perfect in every way.

djwills@acsworld.net (Donald J. Wills)
Upon listening to the
trilogy over and over again, I think it is to tell the story of 90's rock
and not just THE STORY OF NIRVANA ( as BIDMOR thinks). THE CRYBABY
is an amazing album, just like THE MAGGOT and THE BOOTLICKER.
Every track is fucking amazing, it blows me away. Make sure you listen to
"G.I. JOE" and "DIVORCED" as loud as humanly possible. I 'm going to go see
THE MELVINS on EASTER Sunday and I am fully prepared to have my ass blown
out by them.

StVitusCOD@aol.com (Tom Carnage)
To be perfectly honest, I haven't even heard the albums yet. But, by
taking bargan bin price tags and sticking them on the Melvins CDs, I've just
obtained each album for $1 apiece. They're fucking beautiful. I just
got Black Flag's Everything Went Black for a buck too. Great album, can't
wait to hear what all this actually sounds like.....

(two weeks later)

OK, now I've actually heard the triolgy. Being the habitually pissed
white male that I am, I'd have to say The Maggot's my fave. The Crybaby is
probably the most interesting of the lot though. Well, it's time for me to leave
my old hometown of Sleepy Hollow NY and return to Atlanta now....

.....So while where on that subject Prin, where the HELL did you find a
cheap copy of Tygers of Pan Tang? I'll trade ya for Johnny Cash?

kevin.by@edb.maxware.no (Kevin By)
wow! nice effort by leif garrett. I`ve listened more to this version
than I ever did with the original. at first listen I found the crybaby
to be a mess of jams and industrial
noiZe but after repeated listens and giving it a lot of time, I`ve just
about figured the whole thing out . blockbuster is my definte favorite:
it rocks me off any time anywhere. the track with Tool is great as well as g.i. joe with mike patton and
this ordinary approach to music. a friend of mine told me this sounded like
a top 40 hit from somalia. hahaha! in some parts I guess he`s a bit right,
cuZ it contains some tribal type beats with a world music approach. my guess
is patton listened to a lot of peter gabriel records before treating this
one in the studio. I also love the country songs from mr. hank willimans
III. okie especially. I think they ruin dry drunk a bit though. they
should`ve left the godZik pink interlude inbetween track 8 and 9. nothing I can
do about that now, is there? fans of brutal truth must be very
disappointed; moon pie…ouch!

Enfermo@rocketmail.com (A)
This is just what I love about the Melvins: they're not technically
proficient musicians or anything, and yet, they're probably the most
creative 100% rock band nowadays.

And this recording proves my point perfectly. Even if they somehow
cheated by using all of the outside help, there's not a stinker in
here. At all. Well, probably the "Teen Spirit" cover is kind of weak,
but then, I guess Leif Garret's to blame. It would have been
hilarious if he had sung the song like he used to do back when he was
a teenage heartthrob, but he had to do that alterna-drawl and ruin
the song...

On the other hand, "Spineless" has "HIT" all over it, and it has
managed to increase my interest in Skeleton Key; the Tool song is
unbelievable, especially the drum duel between Dale and Danny Carey;
and the song with Kevin Sharp is just what I expected: megalithic
oppressive pounding by Buzzo & co.

Naturally, being the Mike Patton obsessive that I am, I liked his
contribution the best... even though I expected something a bit
darker, not as trip-hoppish. By the way, Mark: Patton's solo albums
are definitely an acquired taste. What I suggest you check out is his
Fantomas project, boasting Kaaaang Buzzo himself and former Slayer
man Dave Lombardo. It makes every other metal band sound
obsolete...OK, except for Meshuggah.

abench@earthlink.net (Adrienne E. Bench)
You just don't see that many chicks at a Melvins show. The ones who are there
often seem to be stuck in the 80's, or else attatched to a
guy w/ a mullet. I was lucky enough to be exposed to this band in 1994- at
age 19. Being from Utah, I had very limited music options until
I found Cory. He had a vinyl collection to die for, and the Melvins were
his most favorite. He's got every damn record they've done
(except that last 7"), and I for one would like to thank him for urging me
to give the 'droning sounds' a chance. Now my life is 100% better!
If you know a girl who looks like she could use some Buzzo, just throw on
Bootlicker- and have patience. Women can be easily turned
on you know...

jakerreid@home.com
The Melvins have been my favorite band for years, I own all their albums
(except Live @ F*cker club, where can I get that?) and I have to say that I
have never gotten tired of listening to any of them. I particularly love
how they constantly evolve into a new beast that just wants to f*ck with our
brains! The crybaby is an amazing album that is not afraid of shaking up
the listener and will undoubtedly make as many new Melvins fans as it
will scare off! But the TRUE Melvinite will embrace every aspect of
this album as mana for the spirit and acid for the brain, from the dueling
drumkits struggling to be heard over a wall of feedback ( TOOL +
MELVINS = UNBELIEVABLE) to the traditional country songs that are bound to
piss off a few metal headed retards, this is the definitive album of the new melvinillenium!!!
:) I just wish the bastards would tour more often :(

landcruiser96@aol.com
This one was actually a little better than I anticipated and the track that
Buzzo and the boys did with Tool is worth shelling out 12 bucks. Also
notable is the cover they did of Blockbuster, a kick-ass Jesus Lizard song
with a tremendous baseline. I would also like to pint out that I saw them
live last month in Houston and after all these years, they never cease to
disapoint. It was almost 2 ear shattering hours of pure Melvins mayhem.
They even covered a Butthole Surfers song and then closed with a devestating
version of Hung Bunny from the Lysol album. Many people like to insult the
Melvins but the fact remains that they are way too complex for the average
Maxbox 20 moron type listener to comprehend.

johncarson@ntlworld.com
A brilliant album that you should be comming back to again and again for years. Teen Spirit is great....the Skeleton Key song is BRILLIANT.......i can't find any of their damn
albums...wish i could, cos they sound great on here. You gonna review em Mark ??? You should if their other material's as good as this. Oh, and the Tool ones pretty class
also. Last couple of songs are a bit shit, but apart from that it's great. 8 outta 10.

Okay, now they're just being silly. This one-sided single was rushed to press in September 2000 to be sold as a 'limited edition' single at two Grumpy's Bar shows that month. Unfortunately the Melvins didn't have any unused tracks lying around, nor did they have time to run into the studio to record one. As such -- and I don't know whether this was their idea or Tom Hazelmyer's -- they simply slapped Halo Of Flies' original recording of "Spit It Out" on side A, slipped it into a cover with 'Melvins' written on it, and Wing-Wam! A new Melvins single! Adding insult to idiocy, Haze then described the single on the label's web site as "Great idea, unfortunately the Melvins used the opportunity to slaughter a Halo Of Flies song. At least there's only 200 copies bearing witness to a GREAT band's lowest moment."

I give them a 10/10 for the hilarious gag, but "Spit It Out" has never been one of my favorite Halo Of Flies songs so, even contained within a sleeve reading 'Melvins,' I can't give it higher than a 5.

That reminds me of a hilarious anecdote involving a slimy guy named Vince that I used to work with at my first firm. Vince was an outwardly friendly chap, but seemed a little (okay, a LOT) slippery. This exchange actually happened, and is indicative of the sort of person he was:

Ed: "Hey Vince! You comin' out to lunch with us?"
Vince: "Where you going?"
Ed: "Back Porch."
Vince: "Back Porch! High five!" (*holds up hand for a high five; Ed gives him high five*) "No, I can't make it."

!?

Vince gave notice shortly thereafter, stating that he was moving out of NYC and probably exiting the industry. Two weeks later, he inadvertantly cc'd several of us on a note to his non-industry friends, informing them that his email address was changing because he'd left our firm for a higher-paying position with a competitor up the street. HA!

And perhaps that's what "Spit It Out" is doing here: leaving Halo Of Flies' Music For Insect Minds to pursue a higher-paying position on a Melvins single up the street. If so, I hope it gave all the other songs a high five on its way out, prick sleazebag song asshole.

Make that a really, really, REALLY low 8. Too many of these songs
degenerate into worthless synth noisemaking halfway through. For this
reason, I've been debating giving it a 7 -- but the songs themselves are too
GREAT!!!! According to the Intronet, this is the expanded reissue of the
old Melvins "Interstellar Overdrive" single. But it features six new
tracks!!! A Cows cover! A Wipers cover! Three updated versions of old
Melvins songs! A stupidass new experimental song!

In life sometimes your
doggy is demanding so you can't spend as much time on your reviews as you'd
like. Oh wait, he's actually lying down now. Okay, let me make this fast.
The Melvins are at a point now where they like to make wiggly weird guitar
and bass noises, relying more on tone and mood for power than sheer
distortion. And the drummer is so tight and HEAVY that it more than makes
up for the lack of FRONG! noises. Just like the second CD of the trilogy,
all the songs have a weird squirrely anger psyche to them regardless of the
lack of heavy fuzz. And the cover of Pink Floyd's "Interstellar Overdrive"
is brilliantly close to the original! Right down to the back and forth
stereo nonsense at the end. A stone cold abortion!

Okay, my dog is up and
about again so let me wrap this album in pita bread. No now he's lying down
on the pillow. I don't know why the Melvins found it necessary to stick in
minutes and minutes of dicking around noise on here when the songs
themselves are so damn great. Just don't worry about it. Enjoy how they've
transformed the Cows' feedback-laden "Missing" into a mellow jazz number.
Dig the Wipers cover, which proves infinitesimally that the Melvins can play
straight rock when it is their desire to do such a ting. And clap up a blue
streak at the way they've reworked old distorto-scream Melvins classics into
disturbing shaky vibes of adulthood. WoW! (Women of
Wrestling)

Reader Comments

datafur@tin.it (Daniela Tafuro)
I have electroretard and i am very proud to have a new album of
melvins.... they will never bore me cause they are very interesting . One of the
biggest creative and innovative band of the scene.

dodgy_haircut@hotmail.com
Okay now this record has several classy songs, several decent ones and a
shit bit.
What the fuck is shit storm, man its unlistenably poor the weird flippy
sound remind me of that butthole surfers song "HAY" o "locust abort
technician", damn what a shite way to start an album, but "youth of america"
by thw wipers, shit that cover rules, heavier, tighter ad better than the
original i say, its so catchy anyone could love it, with that powered in
chorus...love it. "gluey porch treatments" is a decet reworking of the
original, short but sweet. "Revolve" now this is sooo good, great rework of
the original, it build up, halfway thru it turns into the X-files on guitar
(listen to it u'll see) and this FUCKING RIPPING drum solo beats out, it
sounds like a big beat dance record thru a boom box but its so cool it
drives me nuts. Dale Crover-Probably the most underated drummer in the
world, sure i love nirvana, but Dave grohl a big hitter, nah, listen to this
track!
Missing, its okay, its decent, not exactly heavy, maybe ,more like the
bootlicker material, i dunno i aint heard much of that record. "Lovely
butterflies", this is another good reworking, this song is generally scary,
my friend reckoned it sounded like M.Manson, maybe but fuck it he
sucks, he
probably studies the Melvins then repackages into a "piss off your parents,
kids" package and sells records on controversy, but that's another matter.
"Tippig the Lion" is a seriously heavy reworking, an amendment to the
lightness of the Stag version, the distorted bass is SOOO cool. After about
30 seconds u hear this sort of light fuzz sound as Buzz turs on his geetar,
the fuzz is so heavy u hear it distorting thin air before he plays a ote. At
times the track gets a bit too farty and noisy but generally its a cool reworking, sweet drums as well.
Intersteller Overdrive is ok, i haven't listened to it much.
This album seems to be a sort of mop-up-job of a few covers and new
versions, like a album of apologies for previoesly crud songs or something.
No real original material here but its a damn good album all the same. Fave
tracks, "Revolve" and "Youth of america" for me.
Thats my take on it. Oh and i love the Aryan race/ Nazi system got cartoons
to the twilight zone of murder and disability, Melvins are never short on
comedy either.

kezzbynoza@hotmail.com (Kevin By)
hey, Mike (that is your name right?) i envy you having a dog cuz i grew up
with 3 different ones but now i can't have any cuz of where i live.hmmm one day...
anyhoo, that's not why i write. it's cuz of my admiration for this new album. here we go;
should we call this a real album or just another concept like Prick or
Singles 1-12?
i will call it a proper album. cuz if you look at Stag there are many similarities. varied yet fucked up.
i'll choo-choo-choose to call it proper Melvins album cuz it's the Melvins.
any other band releasing something like this, i'd wonder what the fuck got
stuck up their ass.
now to the songs; the new version of "Tipping the Lion" took it on a higher
level to me. the Stag original ain't nottin' compared to this. much thanx to
the wicked smurf vocals by Buzz but also to the sound. the bassline
especially. it makes my neckhair rise.
according to what i hear people dislike "Missing". i say it grooves like
hell and the bassline gets me going. but i guess the best thing about
Electroretard is the Wipers cover.
it's straight, sure but only becuz it's on a Melvins release. any tighter
band is hard to find these days. maybe the Jesus Lizard were once but
they're not any more.

long live the Melvins but also this guy called Mike Patton, who seem to have
given the Melvins something. i can't seem to put my finger on it but there's
something happening with the Melvins since they got dumped by Atlantic and
picked up by Ipecac.
with the Trilogy and this in album in mind, i can't wait for the
sequel...

walter.de.korver@npi.nl
Cool site. Saturday the Melvins played at the Melkweg (Milky Way) in Amsterdam. They
we're pretty awesome again! Though I think they were more impressive as a trio.
Anyway, they played a cover and I still can't come up with the name of the
song or the band. Maybe you can help me out. It's a 70's hardrock song and I
remember one line: "I put a timebomb/In your submarine". Do you know which
song this is and by which band it was recorded originally? Is it on any Melvins record?
I hope you can answer this question becaus it keeps bugging me!

prettyinplump@bikinikiller.fsnet.co.ukElectroretard is the best melvins album ever. the level of art and songs is just right. this album should
get 10 out of 10 no question about it. Even if some of the songs are reworking they sound pretty differet to
me. and about the noise in beteenw the songs, its perfect.
ok nothing more to say

Fuhgawz787@cs.com
The first song is the old version of Revolve played backwards w/ some noise
recorded over it. Hope that helps. Great record.

honeybeebythesea_962@msn.com (Ron Johnson)Electroretard is the best title ever. I love the Melvins. esp. live!

This was recorded live in December 1998 (right when Kevin Rutmanis joined) and features a guest appearance by Adam Jones of (s)Tool. Unfortunately, it's n hour-long noise improv experiment, similar to the work John Cage did back whenever he was doing his stuff but with heavier,
louder instruments. On first listen, I despised this release with every ounce of my
peeing, but I listened to it again today with my Puppy in tow, and all of his strange facial expressions, head
cockings and ear liftings made me realize that The Melvins (and friends) have put together a very odd,
interesting collection of noises for our enjoyment here. I then lay down on the floor next to my Puppy and
drifted off to sleep/wake/sleep/wake to the sounds of the heavy low-end blasts, rhythmic drilling,
guitar/spoken samples, amp feedback and Throbbing Gristle-like ambient swoops and boops. For a good
half-hour, i was impressed and intrigued but after that it just seemed 2 self-important 2 bother w/. I kept
listening, of course, but it didn't suddenly get any more interesting or anything. Until the end when
after 56 minutes of avant garde criddles and diddles, a Melvins song suddenly arose from the din.
Whee!

dhall@comnet.ca (David Hall)
I felt like a giddy teenager gleefully buying the latest N'Synch or Backstreet boys album when I finally got
my hands on this disc.

When I opened the packaging and read it was a live recording, my heart sunk - I knew immediately the
Cd would be 'experimental' and wouldn't feature recordings of Melvin's songs (like their live concert
archeived on 'House of Blues' - the video sort of sucks, but the songs are
awesome http://www.hob.com/live/concerts/000921themelvins'

Collosus of Destiny is experimental noise, and when it comes to experimental noise, there are much
better 'composers' out there. I'd rather listen to Melvins experiment as they did on 'The Bootlicker' -
challenging the idea of 'heavy' and 'alternative;' not just merely screwing around with feedback and noise -
this has been done to death. This concept didn't work on Prick and it doesn't work here.

It'll be hard for Melvins to top their Ipecac trilogy - I think Collosus was merely a scrap to tide starving fans
over.

Mrnicknock@aol.com
I was visiting your site.KEvin does play on the late 98 preformance of
colossus of destiny (he is ass joker.he is also called Rotten ass at
times).Adam jones is the guitarist from tool.

kezzbynoza@hotmail.com (Kevin By)
With this release i really hope they’re gonna blow me away with some new
ethereal, heavy and highly impessive songs next time around. And i mean it
must be in the same division as Goggles, Shevil or Mombius Hibachi. I was
hoping the Melvins never would release something like this. But there ya go…
EletctroRetard was fantastic but i can’t stand stuff like this. Eye Flys is
great song, though. too bad you can’t skip directly to it.

PS! if you should do noice, you should do it like Sonic youth and Jim
O'rourke on SYR3. now, that's some sweet noise-arrangements.

coma_999@yahoo.com (Lincoln)
I've seen The Melvins about 4 times and was fortunate
enough to see an awesome medley including honeybucket,
set me straight, revolver, and ending with most of
lysol. Anybody else at the show at Mabels at the U of
Illinois in 1994 or so will remember it.......needless
to say, it kicked ass.....

eugenesax@email.msn.com
That was a good record. Within ten minutes of putting it on, it cleared out my house. Thank you, Melvins

bickers@midwest.net (Don Bickers)
Like most, i was very excited about the release of c.o.d. I was also a little mad to see it was just a live release. I was furious when i put it in and ended up fast forwarding 50+
minutes of noise to hear "the melvins" play for like 30 seconds and go to track 2. which is 5 seconds of nothing. I have seen the melvins one time. I had to drive 9 hours to get
there. If I had driven 9 hours to see them make a shitload of noise, i probably would have torched the place. Luckily it was an hour and a half of classic melvins. and i was
lucky enough to be allowed a camcorder and record it. anyway, it's like this. It was a 1/10th assed record and it should have been 5 bucks, i know studio time was nothing and
manufacturing was cheap, so i shouldn't have paid 14 bucks for this pile. I seriously think that the people that like this, would buy a melvins album entitled buzzo takes a shit,
and has 60 minutes of buzzo's top quality grunts and plops that only he could probably pull off!! I really hope this is the last effort like this, and if it isn't then for the love of
god put a consumer advisory sticker that says This album is a piece of shit, the only people that should buy it is the one's that a. are obsessive on owning every melvins
release or b. you are a masochist.

theo.klaase@medtronic.com
Melvins farking kick ass!!!

mdagostino@sympatico.ca (Tony Dagostino)
I bought this album about a month ago at the Melvins show in Detroit. They rocked the house done. Playing music not experimental noise. I gave this a listen the day after
the show and unfortunately maybe it wasn't the right. Don't get my wrong. Ozma, Gluey Portch Treatments, and Side B of Lysol are amazing. Throw in there Eggnog to the
list. But this to me should go into the same list as Prick. Which is just a waste of money to any Melvins fan you buy it.

Colin T.
completely awesome....... i played this for my friend who, after listening to it for ten minutes, said, "i hope this is what a transmission from an alien planet sounds like." there you go. the people who slammed this release misunderstood it and, as you can see, reacted violently. instead of turning it off, they should have maxed out the volume, hunkered down over a speaker, and let the vibrations run through them ass to brain.

(as i was writing this, a guy stopped by my room, asking me to turn it down - the irony is basic but satisfying.)

egausnell@wsi-prowebstudio.com
I love noise. I love the Melvins. I don't love C.O.D. I remember when I bought it, rushed back to work to put it on and then realized that I was going to have to put Houdini back in and return the CD for credit, which I used to buy GodWeenSatan.

As evidenced by this very page, the Melvins have a naggy habit of
releasing extremely limited edition singles, forcing obsessive
collectors to blow $500,3492,48485,billion,545 dollars on ebay for like
six minutes of music. Shit Sandwich is the band's ultimate
commentary on this phenomenon: both sides are blank.

They do have a point. What is going on in the mind of a person who will
pay any sum of money to ensure that his record collection includes
enviably rare items? Nobody should ever pay more than $6 for a 7"
single, yet a quick search on ebay uncovers people willing to spend
horrendous amounts of money for utterly worthless pieces of shit. At
this very moment, somebody is bidding 3,926.00 on a Greek
promo-only single of Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run." That's nearly
FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS, all for the sake of being able to say, "I
have a Greek promo-only single of 'Born To Run'! It's rare!"

A little closer to home, a 2008 limited-edition 7" of the Melvins
performing "Detroit Rock City" and "The Star-Spangled Banner" is going
for $44. Two songs: 44 dollars. That's not just nuts; in today's
rotten economy, it's punch-you-in-the-nuts nuts. Is the buyer even
going to listen to it? And risk that $44 investment? I've never spent
more than $25 on a record in my life, and that was a double-album! Look
for bargains, people. Like all those great Elton John albums I found in
that quarter bin.

(And by "great," I of course mean "shitty.")

(But you'd know that if you had a bargain thesaurus like mine.)

Still, I rate records for content, not intent. As this record
has no content, I can't but flush it down the commode of 1. The "1
Commode," you might say. Don't copyright that; that's mine. The "1
Commode."

Dammit! Now I'm stuck with the copyright for the "1 Commode" and
everybody's calling me all the time asking when I'm going to take
advantage of my good fortune and unleash the "1 Commode" onto an eager
consumer public!

MARKPRINDLE.COM PRESENTS THE "1 COMMODE"! FOR WHEN YOU ONLY HAVE TO GO
#1! THE LITTLE FLUSHY HOLE IS A TEENY-TINY PINPRICK SO IF YOU
ACCIDENTALLY CRAP, THE LOG'LL JUST SIT THERE IN THE BOWL UNTIL YOU PICK
IT OUT AND PUT IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! ONLY $159.99!

THE "1 COMMODE": YOU'RE, SHIT, OUT OF LUCK!

Oh hell, now I've gone bankrupt promoting the unpopular "1 Commode" at
trade shows and press conferences all over the world. How was I
supposed to know that people need to defecate at some point? That's
what I get for hiring a bunch of plants as my focus group. Just a lot
of hot air!

Reader Comments

Steve
Find a way to make an adapter for your car stereo for the "1-Commode" and you might be onto something there. That's some business advice to you, on the house. I want no piece of that action because there's an existing conflict of interest on my part, having already the papers in place to patent the "3-Commode" which includes a chemical process to mix one and two to make Nuggnuts for McDonalds.

The release of a new Melvins album (every 6 months or so - check the Fantomas section for one they released like ONE WEEK AGO) is always cause for concern. First of all, Ipecac
CDs are expensive! I'm not sure why Mike Patton needs all that money - perhaps he's saving up to shave his head on the sides like he did 11 years ago. Or maybe he's saving up for a
new shitty Radio Shack tape recorder so he can record another atrocious solo album of himself making fart noises into the condenser mic for 40 minutes. Either way, he's after your
wallet (especially if you keep a condom in there). So e pluribus dictum! Buyer beware! Especially if you dictum (dicked him)!

Secondly, you hardly ever see Melvins CDs used. So
if your plan is to wait until their newest release can be purchased used for 8 bucks, you may NEVER get a copy (though you'll probably get the chance to buy as many copies of the
Flaming Lips' Transmissions From The Satellite Heart as anybody could ever possibly want! See, and this is just an aside - it's amazing how many normal radio-listening
people bought that album after hearing "She Don't Use Jelly" and then sold it away when they realized that their shitty Hootie and the Blowfish-loving crapass musical preferences
couldn't quite get a handle on music that isn't completely derivative of every other band that has ever been formed. And I would know because I'm better than all those
people).

And finally, adding pride to prejudice, the Melvins have, as discussed earlier, a very bad habit of releasing unlistenable noise just for the hell of it. (See Prick, Singles
1-12, Colossus Of Destiny -- quite frankly, it's SHOCKING that experimental stuff like Honky, Electroretard and The Crybaby turned out so good.).

Well, no
need to fear this time around! Especially for ME, as my first indication that they had a new CD out was when I saw it in a used record store yesterday for 9 bucks. Jinx! Buy me a
coke! But also for you there are no worries, because this is a real-life Melvins release in the real-life Melvins tradition of really loud, really heavy sludge metal. There is NO
"ambient" stuff going on here (aside from perhaps the EXTREMELY hostile wavy guitar feedback noise that takes over the last two and a half minutes of "Black Stooges") -- the
main difference you may notice between this and previous releases is that Buzzo is playing some totally '70s hard rock-ish riffs on a bunch of it. "Dr. Geek" is a fast fun punk-speed
rock and roller that could be by a sped-up James Gang, "Little Judas Chongo" is trudge Melvins except for a couple of guitar breaks that completely scream ZZ Top (though a slightly
insane ZZ Top), "The Brain Center At Whipples" COMPLETELY sounds like a lost Kiss gem, "Foaming" has some wicked playing going down (imagine Grand Funk Railroad's Mark
Farner and the Jesus Lizard's rhythm section getting together for a "Jam-A-Thon Convoy") and "The Fool, The Meddling Idiot" is filled with DISCO SYNTHS! Don't freak out on
me, babe, though - the plodding Melvins drums keep it from even daring to creep into actual dance terror-tory.

Now now hold on - I don't want to OVERPLAY the whole '70s
thing. This IS the Melvins, and the songs hit REALLY HARD and often excruciatingly slowly. But check out Buzzo's guitarwork and you'll see that he's been sucking in some new
influences. I mean, he's always CLAIMED to love Kiss, but this might be the first one where you can tell that he'd actually like to be able to play like them. And it's a great
CD! Not a bad track to speak of. Very loud, very distorted, very rockin', very Melvins.

Especially "The Anti-Vermin Seed," which is an honest-to-God 16-minute song! No
worthless feedback parts - no huge silent breaks -- the song is sixteen minutes long! And guess what?!?! It's SLOW!

That
micro-soliloquy was based on true-life events, btw. In case you didn't hear, as of April 22nd, 2002, Rick Wakeman is YET AGAIN a member of Yes. For like the 57 billionth time.

Reader Comments

qhkj@grove.iup.edu (Justin Dottor)
I really like this album, but unfortunately I couldn't wait until it was released and I heard all but two of the songs cuz they were leaked thru the internet. Kind of ruined the
effect of a new Melvins album. Hopefully that won't happen again. Can't wait to see em sometime in the summer. I heard that "Brain Center at Whipples" is the title of an
old episode of the Outer Limits or something like that, about a bastard factory owner who automates everything. The material here has really grown on me cuz I've been
hearing it for a while now, around 2 months. Black Stooges and Dr. Geek especially have. It seems like with a lot of the songs here they took that "squirrely anger psyche"
and translated them into a more heavy rock medium. Dale has some great moments here, and the whole band seems to be on top of its game. It's Kevin who's playing the
high-pitched stuff at the beginning of The Fool thru some effect on his bass, right? Ever see his (relatively) new bass? It's awesome-an orange glitter colored Dano
Longhorn-shaped body with a P at the bridge and a J at the mid, and it's gotta be active cuz it has 4 knobs (I think).

sfajeremy@hotmail.com (J Pritchett)H.A.T. is without question, the best Melvins release in a long time, maybe since the Lysol/Bullhead days. Every track is a huge success in that bizzare Melvins kind of way so the end
result is one of the best albums in rock today! Limp Bizkit fans eat your heart out! Hey, isn't rap-core gangsta metal dead yet? Anyways, this album has as much diversity of Stag but
this one is done even better....slow heaviness, fast punk-driven songs, killer offbeat drumming and of course the noise we've all learned to love from the Melvins. love that Kevin is
playing bass for them now and his high-pitched intro in the "The Meddling Idiot" is testimony to that. Yes, folks that's a bass doin' that. Only the Melvins could pull this off

molesto_moustache@yahoo.com (Fatty McGas)
i haven't bought this album yet, but i saw the Melvins
a few weeks ago in Orlando and they played pretty much
the whole album. the intro "The Fool, The Meddling
Idiot" is quite possibly the most ear-shattering piece
of music i've ever heard. kudos to kevin (you look
like an asshole, but Orlando does that to you). "Dr.
Geek" sounds way better live too. much faster.

jlcarson@ulstertech.com (John Carson)
Ahhhhh...let me see now...what will i say about this. Its REALLY GOOD. Hmmmm i should write a bit more. Lets think here...... .......ahhhhh, i know,.....Although this
albums REALLY GOOD, there isn't any KILLER stand out tracks.

Fear not my lovelies, this isn't a bad thing, cos instead of having say 1 or possibly 2 KILLER tracks,... like for example on HOUDINI, ...it doesnt have any BAD tracks.

This is a CONSISTANT album from the Melvins.........quite a refreshing thing in a way.

I dare you to find me one CRAP track on here... and "Anti Vermin Seed" doesn't count cos it's really good if you like that kinda thing, which we do, right? Course we do.

So to wrap up, the best Melvins album I've heard in yonks and yonks.

Well done Buzzo, you ego maniac, head stuck up your arse, tossface.

jeffnlinda@earthlink.net
My name is NOT Jeff by the way. I am khayla and I have some words to add. The Melvins are EASILY one of the greatest bands of all time I have
heard not a song that didn't tickle me proverbial fancy. It is so amazing how a fucked up little loggin town like Aberdeen thats full o' people with red
necks could spawn 2 fucking awesome bands! Blows me mind but I suppose thats the force that drives them (or did). Melvins are my flavorite~!

pinguinner@hotmail.com
I've been fan of the melvins for a long time and I must say that this
record is one of their best. I only have one problem with it... The songs
are too short!! well except for the anti vermin seed. The melvins are
getting used to do that, even the fantomas live recording is as short as
this one. Well thats my only complain... I finally said it... I feel much
better now...

spacebutlerxiii@hotmail.com
The disco/new wave synths in "The Fool, The Meddling Idiot" was the first
time that listening to these guys ever made me squirm. I was rather
impressed by it.

Information: 2 songs each from Stag, Houdini, Hostile Ambient Takeover, 1 song each from Ozma, Stoner Witch, The Bootlicker, Honky.

(*sleeps*)

(*wakes up*)

IF YOU LIKE THE THOUGHT OF BITTER METAL, YOU GOTTA HEAR THE MELVINS! THEY'RE BITTER AND THEY RULE DICK ASS PUD COCK SHIT TIT PECKER BALLS!

(*sleeps again, longer*)

(*wakes up*)

If you haven't heard "The Bit" with Kevin Rutmanis' SLIDE BASS LINE, you haven't lived inside the body of a human being! And what's up with that clean high voice? Does Buzz have a cold? Is he chilly? Is he a little bit nippy? Did he take a chill pill? Is he a little bit freezing? Does he need a blanket? Or is it somebody else?

(*falls asleep in the middle of Sassy Sue; misses several hilarious cow-fucking scenes*)

(*wakes up fourteen days later*)

FUCK YOU!!!

(*becomes honest and heartfelt*)

I'm sorry I'm so ugly with my shaved head and Van Dyke goatee. I never asked to inherit the baldness gene from my mother, and now that I have it, I don't know what else to do.

(*balds*)

(*becomes angry*)

FUCK YOU!!!

(*flips bird*)

(*turns bird back right side up; apologizes to bird*)

(*falls asleep; dreams that I have a big science exam coming up and if I fail it I won't graduate from high school but I haven't gone to class all semester*)

(*is 35 years old, and was always ready for every exam in high school; can't figure out why recurring nightmare keeps recurring*)

Life is weird. Why aren't I a doggy?

Reader Comments

MeatPuppets
Another cynical attempt to gain favour with the Fox News Network kingpins by revising your old reviews? What next? Replacing every instance of the word 'poop' on your website with 'flowers'? I'm an asshole. As for The End i think it kicks ass, like pretty much everything the Melvins do. I got to see them live a few weeks ago and they were really great.

jeffschneekloth@yahoo.com
I have to agree with MeatPuppets's comment on this one. You really sold out big time Mark. Fox News?!? What's next? Good Morning America? Oprah? Regis & Kathie Lee? Regis & David Lee? This whole site has become way too corporate, it's just part of the elite media propaganda machine now.

And to MeatPuppets: wha happened? Why haven't you guys put out a decent album in like twenty years? You guys need to start dropping tabs again or something because your new shit sucks. But I'll give you the last word.

Oooh this is interesting. Back in the summer of 1990 when I was at Governor's Honors School because I'm a genius, there was a skinny fellow there who always wore a shirt for some band I'd never heard of called the Melvins. I clearly remember him asking me if I'd heard of them in the dining hall one day, and, because I was punk and real and hardcore and I would never sell out yet hadn't heard of this band, I assumed they were some fey pansy nerd band like They Might Be Giants or the Violent Femmes. I've often thought about that over the years, wondering if perhaps it wasn't actually the Melvins written on his shirt and he had been talking about some other band. Because this was back even before Bullhead came out, I think. And how could a resident of Georgia be that up on slow sludge metal? But my whole world both past and present came spiralling down around me when I suddenly reached page 68 of this book -- there it is, in the top left corner - THAT'S WHAT WAS ON HIS SHIRT. I have not seen that design since 1990 and it had completely deleted itself from my conscience, but I recognized it immediately. Right here in this book.

There. That should be enough for Publisher's Weekly. Let's see what other shittyass fag publications I can review this for. Ah! Rolling Stone appears to be one review short this month. Let me give that one a whirl.

When Mick Jagger released his stunning Goddess In The Doorway LP in 2001, changing the face of rock and roll, he never could have dreamt that Seattle grungemen The Melvins (Kurt Cobain's favorite band before he went on to lead a generation and affect the course of history) would just three years later release a book full of disturbing artwork, interesting Liz Phair-esque photography and seemingly unrelated humorous stories from band members and friends of the band. But with the amazing zeitgeist of young bands like The Strokes, The Hives and The White Stripes saving rock and roll and altering every society on the face of the Earth, perhaps it's only fitting that the Godfathers of Grunge take a step outside of the mainstream and remind all of us that literature and music are not mutually exclusive. A combination of John Lennon's arty How I Won The War, Paul McCartney's pic-packed Wingspan and Kurt Cobain's harrowing Journals, Neither Here Nor There is an emotional whirlwind that pulls the reader into the deepest recesses of the drug-fuelled, violence-obsessed minds of a controversial band whose very existence transformed a country, modified a planet and revolutionized the social sciences. In these anxiety-ridden post-9/11 times, Neither Here Nor There may not save the world but, like Patti Smith's Horses, it might very well completely alter the way we view ourselves and our place in the global ecosystem.

Okay, what's left. Ah! Mark Prindle's Record Review Guide! That one should be easy.

So I was pooping into the vagina of this lesbian I was stapled to and -- HEY! There are FIFTEEN DIFFERENT QUOTES from my web site in this book and my name isn't mentioned ONCE! I'm coming after YOU, Mike Patton! That's FIFTEEN DIFFERENT court cases coming straight up your aspirin bottle of society's irks! OOOO LOOK AT ME I'M DRNUK AND RELIGIOUS PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! STOP MURDERRING PEOPLE!

Okay, that covers that one. Who else can I review this thing for? AUGH! MY FINGERS HAVE TURNED INTO GIANT PIECES OF SHIT!

Oh wait a second. Whew! Turns out I'm just black!

Hey, hold on there, Mr. Easily Offended Man. It's not MY fault that poop and black people are the same color. That's GOD'S doing. Shoot the message, not the piano player!

But all kidding aside, because jokes are for eggs if you pronounce "jokes" as "yolks," this is a tremendous release by the Melvins. It's a big damn book, for crying out loud! With some of the creepiest original artwork and sharpest creative writing (by a huge conglomeration of talented people) you're going to find anywhere, as well as all of the band's cover art, some band stories, tons of photos, lots of jokes and strange writings galore (an existentialist Flintstones episode by the God Bullies' David B. Livingstone is a laugh-out-loudly highlight). Plus it comes with a 78-minute retrospective CD featuring a few rare early punkers and one track each from pretty much every Melvins album except the solo ones and The Crybaby. Although the disc doesn't include my two favorite songs they've ever done ("Zodiac" and "Honey Bucket"), it's interesting to see what kind of stuff they chose to include (the quieter "Night Goat" single instead of the more powerful Houdini version, nothing but a tiny "guy making a dumb noise into a mic" excerpt from Prick, a few noisy seconds of Colossus Of Destiny.... all TWELVE minutes of "The Fool The Meddling Idiot" and so on...). Even though people who love the Melvins enough to buy a $24 book by them probably already own most of these tracks, it's still nice to hear such a wide-ranging collection gathered together onto one disc like this.

But only FOUR Rutmanis appearances? What is he, chopped liver? Is that what he is? A pile of chopped liver that they strap a bass to, dress up in a shirt that says "I Heart Cock" and parade around from town to town every night just to stink up the joint with his fetid rotting stench and maggots crawling all over him?

Hold the phones! I just thought of a FANTASTIC idea for a new reality series!

Reader Comments

pinguinner@hotmail.com
I haven't read the book yet because it's not available in this miserable country that i'm living, but i just listened the fantomas delirium cordia and the best thing of the record was mark's comments about it. I'm sorry but according to my zodiacal sigin, i'm not very "patient"

Anyway, I was unemployed last year because I'm a teacher and i really don't like my job. Now I got a job in a catholic school (for crying out loud) and i as much as i hate the catholic pedophilian church of the latter day gays or whatever , i still cannot accept the fact that i'm working for these pieces of shit. Believe me, when I was a little boy I was so scared that my soul was going to hell for all my sins every time i went to mass, until one day i realized that it wasn't like that. "What's with the guilt?" I said to myself that time, and i run away from all those "values" and stuff. So ten years later i'm working for those pricks (reignum christ or something like that) that have TONS of money and are still crying and blaming themselves about christ's death... i mean.... come on... it was like 2000 years ago...get over it.... ten years without stepping into a church and they are still talking the same shit as ten years ago.... please...

so, I wrote that because you said "religious people are assholes..." or something like that, and it's true. Catholic don't have a clue about anything. Stupid people, really. But they're nice with each other I guess.

I like to share private exchanges with the entire world. For example, just nine days before killing himself, Dead Milkmen bassist Dave Blood sent me an email reading, "If you got time tonight, we should chat on the phone. I have to see what is up with my Dad (I am going to call him today or around dinner time if I can) before I can tell you when (which weekend) I can get into the city for a visit. I would also like to give you a tip on something to submit with your book proposal (for Jennie). I seem to have gotten a lot of fan mail this week. Quite a few of the emails are from bass players asking about tabs for my bass parts. It is nice to know people are THAT interested in our music. Gotta get back to work... later." But hey, if I'm here to review a new Dead Milkmen CD, nobody told me! So rather than bore you with some more private messages that are none of your business, let's move on to the topic of discussion - that of the new Melvins CD.

Oh but wait hold on -- what has my "Good Pal" Harry Shearer been chit-chatting with me about lately? Well, in between his many famous appearances on such media celebrities as The Simpsons and This Is Spinal Tap, my very great friend "Harry Shearer" has been shooting the beans with me about his old comedy troupe with Lenny & Squiggy entitled "The Credibility Gap." Of their LP Woodschtick, he wrote to me, his good friend Mark Prindle, that "Yeah, that was our first record, and we really didn't get it right. We were still learning our way around the studio, and around what made a
good record. There were some funny pieces on it, I guess, but I just
don't think it compares. Frankly, I think we felt we had to do at
least one side as "conceptual" as the Firesign albums. On the other
hand, it was but a few short years before Rolling Stone was claiming
that "comedy is the new rock'n'roll", so maybe we were on to something
with Woodshtick...." But enough about how popular and well-known I am in Hollywood circles. Let's move on to the new Melvins album.

Ha ha! Oh, that reminds me of the exchange I was just having with my pal Mark Robinson from Unrest. Get this - he says to me he says, "Thanks again for the interview." I almost didn't reply, I was so busy corresponding with my best buddy, world-famous Flipper vocalist Bruce Loose, about his latest exchange, "It me Bruce Loose, I have yet to find your page and visit until now." The bottom line, of course, is that if you send me an email and I don't reply, it's because I'm too busy hobnobbing with the artists and musicians who have revolutionized our entire world. Like this guy who used to play in the Crucifucks, but wasn't in the band by the time they recorded an album. We're like THIS, me and that guy.

As for the latest Melvins release, band bassist Kevin Rutmanis - and we're so close, we're basically connected at the hip, he's like my third leg, you might say - said to me in a private "for my eyes only" email a couple months back that, "hey handsome.........i'd say it's a spooky ambient one with a bunch of really good rock songs erupting throughout..........there, how's that?! Freddy sent me 10 million burned cd's yesterday........sheesh, wutta kook. Still dickin around with the jello cd.........mebbe by october?....." And by "Freddy," he was of course referring to our mutual friend Freddy Votel from the Cows and TVBC, who sent me 10 million burned CD's too because we're incredibly close, like brothers you might say. I of course asked him why he sent me and my third leg Kevin Rutmanis of the Melvins and Tomahawk so many CDRS, aside from the fact that we are both well-known famous artists and poets, and Freddy responded in a note that he asked me not to share with anybody that "yo underpants, occasionally i get the urge to back up/purge stuff on my computer and
when's i do, often i think, hey maybe mssr. prindle, kevin, sandris............
might like some of this stuff too, at least i hope they like some it... -." So I hope you've learned something here tonight. Something about true, lasting friendship among famous celebrities such as myself, world-famous alt-rocker and female impersonator Mark Davidson.

Lustmord is many things, but he ain't no Melvin. If his pseudonym is any indication though, he's a huge Jack Black fan! Ha ha! HA HA!!!! WHEEEE! Ha ha! YESSIR!!! Ah, that's good stuff.

(*complete silence coming from your side of the computer, being broadcast to me through the thousands of tiny microphones that I've hidden on every page of my web site so I can secretly gauge all verbal feedback coming from my readers*)

Oh. Ahem. I mean because he "LUST"s for "MOR"e "D."

As in "Tenacious D"???

See? There we go! Now we're all LAUGHING together! :7D Awww me. If my tearducts weren't so clogged up with bacon, I'd be shedding tears of hilarity right now.

But eventually all so-called "music reviewers" must get around to talking about the actual album so let's do that now. The Melvins are still playing fucking ASSfuckingly great hard heavy goddamned metal riffs of anger, death, power and excitement (a couple of these are fast as hell headbanging monsters too!!!), and this time they've weirded up their sound in a major screwball fashion by overlaying every track with (a) scary-as-a-pumpkin eerie fog wafts, chains, and bells of lurking menace courtesy of ambient experimentalist Lusty Mord, (aa) excruciatingly whimsical overdistorted vacuum cleaner lead guitar by Adam Jones from this really great band called "Tool," and (aaaay!) the asininingly intriguing mindscrew of stereophonic tone-destroying knob-diddling of whoever produced the thing. In theory, the fact that they handed over a couple of tracks completely to the "Lust"y sailor M7 (Might Make Mr. Melvins Multifan Mighty Morose). However, when you're actually LISTENING to the thing, it just kicks your ass too hard to complain. See, although the Melvins have themselves been prone to hit-or-miss experimentation over the years, they stick to really hard, tough, heavy, ass-rocking fudgepack heavy throbbage on Pigs In The Empire State Building. The "experimental" portion of the disc comes from the Sex Man -- and no amount of ambient squeals, chanting monks and UFO beeps will EVER overpower the sheer masculine power of a chugging M3 (Melvins Metal Masterpiece). So take off your nervous shoes and turn on your nervous system with the sassy new powergrinder slab flatulence baba oil can machinery big gasaholic JUMBO!

The Melvins also recorded a CD with Jello Biafra roundabouts this time. But to read about THAT one, you'll have to visit my Jello Biafra review page! Have lunch and a good times!

Reader Comments

pmhoffman@bigpond.com
finally got my hands on this record...it's good. kind of like mood music that you could play at a party. a drunken, drug fuelled abattoir vampire party that is. I really like it. surely now (considering every melvins release since the trilogy has been awesome) the melvins can claim to be the greatest band of all time? maybe in a perfect world.

Michael Heminger
GODDAMMIT!! Track 4 is like almost 30 minutes long, and while I'm playing it they keep switching riffs, so I think to myself 'Shit - this song KICKS ASS!!' only to discover that it's the SAME FUCKING SONG, so if I want to enjoy these killer Buzzo riffs over and over, I have to wade through the slow dirgey stuff in between, too. Those crazy Melvins!! Always playing jokes on us fans!!!! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Great album for driving at night, by the way.

Hey - did I mention I'm at work?? That's right, I'm getting paid some serious coin for writing this here review! How about you Prindley??? Huh? HUH???

This is actually the second "Jello Biafra with the Melvins" CD, but I didn't want to create a whole new page for them, so you can find my review of the first one on my Jello Biafra page. I thought "Hay, wouldn't it be hilarious to review one of them on my Jello page and the other one on my Melvins page?" but of course the word I meant wasn't 'hilarious' at all but 'inconvenient.' Thus, the scourge of the interchangeable four-syllable words continues unabated. WHY WON'T SOMEBODY do SOMETHING!?!?!?

I have a headache. I haven't eaten anything today, and there's nothing here to eat, and I should eat dinner because that would likely make my headache go away. But aren't my 'Headache Reviews' a special treat that you can't wait to

christ this is a loud keyboard. was it necessary to make them "CLICK" like that each time you press one? Wouldn't it have made more sense to install nice little pillows or marshmallows under each one so you don't wake everybody up in the middle of the fuckin night with your goddamn CLANG BANG CLANG

It's mostly in the right side of my head - above my eye and into my ear. Maybe if I lean my head to the right, the pain will crawl out of my ear in gigantic cockroach form.

It's not helping that everybody in the world seems to be able to access my site fine, yet it won't work for ME PERSONALLY.

So here we are with Sieg Howdy!. Those 'in the know' (not me - somebody had to tell me) will recognize this classic line from an old "Tex Hitler" comic, but obviously in this context, Jello is using it to compare George W. Bush to Adolf Hitler. And thank God somebody finally has the guts to do so. Let's stop right here and just take a quick look at all the things that these two 'leaders' have in common:

- Like Hitler, President Bush was not elected by a majority, but was forced to engage in political maneuvering in order to gain office.

- Like Hitler, Bush began to curtail civil liberties in response to a well-publicized disaster -- in Hitler’s case the Reichstag fire, in Bush’s case the 9/11 catastrophe.

- Like Hitler, Bush established six concentration camps and systematically murdered over 10 million people in an attempt to create an Aryan 'Master Race'

Okay, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks Jello, for your non-alarmist analogy! In other news, if you already own the first Jelvins album, please be advised that for YOU, this second one only gets a 7. Alternately, if you purchase this one first, then THAT one only gets a 7 (instead of the 8 that I gave it). The reason is that three of the songs on here already appeared in near-identical versions on the previous record. Please, do let me explain.

Sieg Howdy! is sort of a rip-off release. It features a cover of Alice Cooper's "Halo Of Flies," an update of the Dead Kennedys' "California Uber Alles" about Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, four 'remixes' of songs from the last album, and a scant FOUR new original compositions, two of which seem a little below Mr. Biafra, but what do I know. I mean, the guy's like 50 years old, right? Yet he still found it necessary to write not one, but TWO songs about how his ex-band members stabbed him in the back??? (by using legal means to recover the money that they were owed)????? One of the songs is short and sweet and boring and pointless, but the other one is a... well, not that I'm the King Of Maturity, but it's hard not to find it a bit immature to attack not only on his former bandmates but the 'former child star' (and long-time punk rock singer, though Jello doesn't bother mentioning that) who took his place in the band. Check out some of these lyrics: "We'll sue the guy who wrote the songs/So we can sell them into commercials/Steal the name and hit the road/Trashing all our band stood for.... Buy! BUY!!! And if our scam works, what a bandwagon it will be! Malcolm in the Middle in the Misfits/Or Mary Kate and Ashley/Gary Coleman in Black Flag/Courtney in Nirvana at last/And Emmanuel Lewis back in action singing for the Germs!" That last line actually would be hilarious coming from anybody else, but from Jello it feels uncomfortably like sour grapes. And nothing feels less comfortable than a bunch of sour grapes being rubbed along your balls.

The Melvins are still kicking ass though, especially with the catchy-as-helloween East Bay Ray imitation they wrote for "Those Punk Kids Will Buy Anything," as well as the creepy scraping tromplin' noisepunker "Wholly Buy Bull" (gee, can't tell Jello came up with that title, can you?) Plus their renditions of "Halo Of Flies" and "California Uber Alles" are completely on the money like only a tight, well-practiced unit can be. Unfortunately, of the four remixes, three are essentially the same as their original versions but with more noise thrown in; only Dalek takes the time to completely deconstruct a song and put it back together as an entirely different creation.

Oh - and if you haven't heard the first one and thus don't know what Jello Biafra and the Melvins sound like -- The Melvins play extremely HEAVY yet intelligent and hooky hard metallic rock and Jello Biafra sings like a skinny gay man with a vibrating dildo under his tongue. Put 'em together and SLAPPITY-DOO! Two great tastes in one bandy car!

But come on -- "When I hurl my word bombs"? Interesting way of saying "when I clip items out of a newspaper and read them onstage for a living"!

When I originally wrote this review, it was much more belligerent towards Mr. Biafra, probably because I had a headache. I deleted most of the really offensive stuff, because it was pointless. I've never even met the man. I hope I've left in just enough to make it clear that when I was a teenager, the Dead Kennedys 'changed my life' and now that I'm 32, I expect more from Jello Biafra than I do from your normal average Joe. But that's not fair. He's just some guy! I should expect more out of ME than to expect more out of HIM. At least he hasn't been caught masturbating on live international television like SOME people I could name! (you, four years from now)

Reader Comments

OSLANE@student.gvsu.edu
Ha, I remember reading Jello Biafra's whole rant on his website that inpsired that set of lyrics about Gary Coleman fronting the misfits on his website. For someone into fair use of media, Jello Biafra sure takes some cheap shots at Brandon Cruz for being a child star. A guy that worked at a small record shop by where I live told me that Jello Biafra was a rather spoiled kid from a well off family and that his dad bought him the record company. Even if it's not true, it's a great story.

volle3@yahoo.com
Jesus, Prindle. Take a deep breath, count to ten, then read what you just wrote before posting it on the internet.

Alrite, gotta admit that the newest biafra stuff ain't much to my fancy, but you're taking a lot of cheap shots here.

Biafra DID get the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of losers sometime mid-nineties for being a "sellout rockstar", Biafra was the one who got his apartment broken into by the cops because of the Frankenchrist record cover. Not mentioning facing a year in the slammer for it too.

Most people would get a bit paranoid and shaky over those things.

I agree that Biafra's harangues against DK's are pretty unfair at best, but he's the one who had both of his legs broken by a bunch of shitheads who preceived him as "selling out".

Oslane: So what if his parents financed AT? You forgot all the GREAT bands coming off that label? Does his middle-class background rob him off his credentials? No way. You should keep your high-and-mighty-indie-suprematist SHIT to yourself.

Hi! I'm The Beatles and I'm here to review the new Melvins live album, A Live History Of Gluttony And Lust. I have to warn you though - I don't have much experience reviewing records. I'm really more of a "Paperback Writer"!

It must have been "A Hard Day's Night" indeed when England's All Tomorrow's Parties invited The Melvins to perform their age-old Houdini album in its entirety one fine evening. You see, they had just fired their sixth bassist (Matt Lukin, Lorax, Joe Preston, Mark Deutrom, "Eleanor Rigby," Kevin Rutmanis - am I missing anybody?) and the slot was currently being held by a "Nowhere Man." Luckily, Buzz was able to call up Trevor Dunn from Mr. Bungle and get him to learn all the songs. And how'd they do? "Something" tells me they did fine!

They forgot to record it though, so they came "Back In The USSR" (but not "SR") and recorded an invitation-only show for this CD release. Now "I Want To Tell You" what it sounds like.

First of all, they switched around the song order for some reason, and cut off "Set Me Straight" after the first chorus to play a passable punk rock song. Also, they skipped the (lousy) MC5 cover from the vinyl version of Houdini, but still let Dale play his 11-minute drum solo "Spread Eagle Beagle" from the CD version. Look, "I Don't Want To Spoil The Party" but as much as I love Dale Crover, this song is BORING AS SHIT. Like "Bonzo's Montreux" at 1/10th speed. I'm not trying to say that "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," but I really think the CD would have been better without it. It had me saying, "Help!"

So are there any major differences between the live renditions and the original studio versions. Well, "You Really Got Me" there because there are. First of all, the formerly restrained "Pearl Bomb" is played MEAN AS HELL with a vicious guitar tone and smashing drums. Ah! Nell Carter just sat on me! "I Want You (She's So Heavy)"! Okay, she's gone. Another major difference comes with "Sky Pup," which is nearly unrecognizable without its original watery Kurt Cobain guitar line. Even though Kurt was a "Bad Boy" who shouldn't have "Come Together" with that disgusting fat pig wife of his, "Sky Pup" is even lamer without his input. Why? "Because" it's just a dumb uncatchy novelty song. It may be saying "Don't Pass Me By," but believe me, if you tried to keep a photo album of all its good parts, it would be a completely "White Album"!

Everything else is pretty much the same as before, though Buzz's voice is too loud in "Hooch." Otherwise, he'll have you saying "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" from beginning to end! The guitar tone is nice, heavy and as chunky as a "Manifestation of Verrucose Urethra"! Yes sir, "Here Comes The Sun" when you sit down to listen to this great album! You know what Saturday Night Live could use right about now? "Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Meyers"!

Well, I guess that's "The End" of my review and I should say "Good Night" now. As you know, I'm having dinner later with "Mean Mr. Mustard," "Polythene Pam" and "Odorono." But thanks for reading my review and remember - "She Loves You"! (with "She" being me and "You" being this Melvins album).

Hey! What are you doing with that "Revolver"? Don't shoot me, even though "Happiness Is A Warm Gun"!

Ahh! You shot me, and now "Happiness Is A Warm Gun"!

Jeez, talk about a "Savoy Truffle"!

Reader Comments

Steve
I just bought this, and I'm pretty pleased with it. I was surprised
to hear that the "passable punk song" that they go into after one
verse of "Set Me Straight" is in fact a cover of Cream's "Deserted
Cities of the Heart" (from their Wheels of FIre album). THAT I did
not expect. Pretty decent cover too. I also like the revamped
"Pearl Bomb" a lot, and unlike you, I've always enjoyed "Sky Pup",
particularly this version, which is taken a little faster and turns
out to be a pretty neat guitar lick type of song. Wasn't aware that
Cobain played on the original.

I know you're excited about the opportunity to purchase 11 complete Melvins concerts on 3 discs (2 CDs and an MP3 disc), but curb your ukulele because there's something I need to tell you, and it simply won't wait:

11 Melvins concerts is not "too much of a good thing." In fact, there cannot be enough Melvins to satisfy this universe or any other. I could easily listen to every one of their studio albums in a row and still clamor for more. No, what this is is "too much of the SAME thing." You may think you're getting 127 unique tracks, but I added up the duplicates out of love for you, and this is what I found:

THIS SONG APPEARS ON MELVINS VS. MINNEAPOLIS A HEAD-SCRATCHING, NAIL-TWISTING, VOMIT-INDUCING NINE TIMES:
Let It All Be

Say! You know that great Melvins song "Let It All Be"? IF I EVER FUCKEN HEAR IT AGAIN I'LL MURDER SOMEBODY OUT A WINDOW.

So yes, the 33 songs listed above account for 109 of the box set's 127 tracks. In fact, once you take out all the "Intro"s and "Broken String"s, there are only 41 different songs on the entire thing! Here's the per-album breakdown:

I realize that AmRep could only go with the shows they had (all dating from 9/18/00 through 3/25/06, mostly recorded at Amrep honcho Tom Hazelmyer's "Grumpy's Bar"), but it sure makes one long for an 11-concert box set that traces their entire career. If you're looking for song development, the most you're going to find here is a couple of tunes that speed up a tiny bit over the six-year period. Otherwise, it's just repetition repetition repetition.

However, you will find some entertaining stage patter on here, particularly in the tenth concert (the poorly-recorded but awfully fun March 19, 2004 show). Here are just a few of the delightful words you'll hear pouring from the mouths of Messrs. Osborne, Crover and possibly Rutmanis:

"This next one's from our Lysol album. Well, it wasn't supposed to be calledLysol...." (*CROWD GOES CRAZY WITH ANGER AT THE LYSOL CORPORATION*) "Yeah! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em for having a copyright on ANYTHING!" "Where do they get off, telling us we can't use their copyrighted material!? What's this world coming to?"

(before "Queen"): "Dale's ex-wife told me this song reminds her of Danzig!"

(after "Queen"): "We live in Hollywood so we see Danzig at all the comic book conventions, and every time, there he is.... thumbing through Archie comics. You tell me!"

(watching some Jesus movie on the bar's TV): "I always thought Jesus was a Jew, not a Norwegian! Nonetheless, they nailed him up there. Good riddance!"

(after breaking a string in the middle of their second song): "Alright, thanks a lot! Thank you very much. Good night!"

(while changing a broken string, the night after selling Shit Sandwich to unsuspecting audience members): "The only thing we promise is that you will get as much music tonight as you got from the 7-inch you bought last night. Now that's a promise! (pause) We're playing it right now!"

"Courtney Love's in the news again. The big surprise to us is that - isn't it funny that the media is just now picking up on the fact that she's CRAZY!?"

Also, Dale sings a little ditty he wrote called "Homosexual Song" that you might enjoy. Otherwise, get out your "Hearing Songs A Billion Times In A Row" shirt, because you're going to be hearing songs a billion times in a row, so that would be an appropriate article of clothing to wear.

One final note: a box set that makes you resent one of your favorite bands probably isn't a box set you want to own. And some might argue, "Hay asshole you're not supposed to listen to them all in a row," but why can't I? Where does it say in the constitution that I can't listen to all eleven concerts in a row? It's my right as a Flamderican, living here in the United States of Flamderica.

Speaking of which, here's a heartwarming exchange I enjoyed at my local Pizza Uno's last night:

Manager: "Are you working tomorrow?"

Waitress: "No, my grandfather's funeral is tomorrow."

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Was it just old age?"

Waitress: "No, he was murdered."

HEY! WHEE! YAHOO!

Apparently her 63-year-old grandfather went to a doctor's appointment, then was beaten to death by a group of teenagers on his way home -- for no money at all. He had no money on him.

The Melvins are an experimental crock of blokes, and the "Message Saved"
single is no exception. I guess you'd call it 'Avant-Garde Noise
Music,' as both sides are made up of high-volume distorted noises and
what appear to be rudimentary 'riffs' created with overmodulated
keyboard tones (though who the hell knows) (aside from, possibly, the
members of The Melvins). Side A is entitled "Message Saved" after the
pre-programmed answering machine alert that serves as its lead vocalist,
and side B is entitled "Thank You!" after a voice message left on that
very machine.

If your conception of 'music' is limited to 'actual music,' you probably
won't be much into it. But if you're a connoisseur of screwball racket
that repeats itself as if in parodic imitation of a melody (you're a big
Black Dice fan, right? Sure you are! We ALL are!), you'll be all over
this like a truck made of eggs. Musically it sounds nothing like The
Melvins at all, but attitudinally it has those feisty ne'er-do-wells'
names all over it.

I just discovered a wonderful new example of illiteracy that I'd never
encountered before. Check out these sentences I found through Yahoo --
all from actual web sites written by actual people:

"We put the other person on a pedal stool and start to think that we are
lucky to have them"

"The Christian community put President Bush up on a pedal stool we
forgot that he is just a man who happens to be president of the United
States of America."

"We sit on our pedal stool and expect everyone to come to our level."

"Your the sort of person who puts themselves up on a pedal stool and
judges everyone else."

"Beyonce is a MERE HUMAN, who at times people put on a pedal stool."

A PEDAL STOOL!!!!! Indeed, when I fall in love with a woman, I can't
help but place her on a short round chair whose height she can adjust
with her foot.

Reader Comments

soul_crusher77@hotmail.com
I just plugged it into google, and good lord that "put on a pedal stool" thing is embarrassingly prevalent. And not only are people placing their loved ones on short round chairs with adjustable foot pedals, they are also placing them on short round chairs made out of segments of the corolla of a flower, or on short round chairs specicially designed for use while selling wares:

Republicans are the ones who put themselves on a petal stool of family values.

How come when the guy off of the Grey's annatomy said an anti gay remark he was immediately put in theropy, yet when a person like Brad Pitt says that he won't marry until homosexuals have the right to marry, he is placed on a petal stool.

so stop hatin i mean u can hate and continue boostin us up ya kno puttin us on a petal stool....

when are people going to quit putting the chargers up on a peddle stool?

He not doing drugs like a certain rapper that ya’ll put on a peddle stool.

Put someone on a peddle stool and then break them down-isnt that a very ENGLISH thing to do-funny what i smell is jealousy and envy.

If you thought Amphetamine Reptile went out of business years ago, thing again! They're back and stronger than ever, releasing new Melvins singles in print runs of like 2. So thing again!

When The Melvins -- no longer featuring Kevin Rutmanis because he apparently 'disappeared' shortly before a European tour (necessitating its cancellation) and was subsequently fired for, as Buzz put it, "his erratic behavior; you can fill in the blanks" -- agreed to perform for the annual Juxtapoz group show at AmRep founder Tom Hazelmyer's OX-OP art gallery, they went that extra mile and recorded a special limited-edition single for the occasion. Former Halo of Flies member Tom Hazelmyer contributed bass, guitar and backup vocals to the tracks, one of which ("Starve") even features Husker Du's Grant Hart on drums(!). But that's Minneapolis for you. Everybody knows everybody, and they all hang out together. And that's how Prince wound up singing for the Cows.

If you're like me, you love to listen to singles that they charge $20 for even though it's only 5 minutes long. Well, this one's doubly good because you get TWO copies of the single, with TWO different sleeves! Plus, not only did it originally sell for $20 (exclusively through AmRep's web site), but it was also pressed in such a limited quantity that the only way to get it at this point is by bidding like $80 (seriously!) on ebay, to some asshole who bought it for $20 just so he could sell it on ebay, the prick. Luckily a guy sent me a copy in MP3 format over the computer, grassroots technology once again defeating the Satanic Mill corporate machine of independent record labels.

As the AmRep site explains, "It is two original ROCKERS. Experimental? Yes. Noise pieces? No." Both tracks are mean heavy Melvinsy rockers, but the actual 'songs' are almost completely buried beneath waves of super-reverb, strange noises, and an even more disorienting Buzzo mix than usual. This unique productionwork is in fact the single's key selling point, IMHO. You can find Melvins riffs anywhere but, unless you regularly stick your head in the blender to hear the milkshake being made, you've never heard mixes quite like this.

Did somebody say "IMHO"? Mmmm, I could go for some IMHO right about now. Make mine a Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity, waitress whore! Because you're a woman, you're a whore!

Before we continue, let me define 'reverb' for people who think I'm just making shit up. As Wikipedia explains, "When sound is produced in an enclosed space, multiple reflections build up and blend together, creating reverberation, or reverb. This is most noticeable when the sound stops but the reflections continue, decreasing in amplitude, until they can no longer be heard. Large chambers, especially such as cathedrals, gymnasiums, indoor swimming pools, large caves, etc. are examples of spaces where the reverberation can clearly be heard." So basically, when you're in a gymnasium and you yell something, the noise that's still there after you finish yelling is 'reverb.' And the girl that's still there after you finish yelling is 'a whore.'

Now let me give a detailed description of what I mean by "disorienting Buzzo mix." "Pigskin" begins with reverbed distorted guitar noises, which are then joined by a '60s keyboard before coalescing into a heavy distorted (and overly simple) riff. The drums EXPLODE in each line. The reverb wash becomes denser and denser and then the song demonstrates "How To Disappear Completely," leaving nothing but very quiet speech and keyboard. Then when it comes back, it has transformed into a funky metal tune with two Buzzos singing. This continues for a minute or so and then the song groans to a halt with low moaning and that quiet but ever-present '60s keyboard. The song itself is a boring, worthless throwaway -- but the production is so interesting, you'll forget the fiber! And by 'fiber,' I mean the song will literally make you take a dump. So you may want to pre-plan for that.

"Starve Already" is thankfully a much better song, driven by a God Bullies-esque dark, festering bass line. This time, the mix includes such quirks as heavy ascending wigglies, foghorn toots, grotesque fake vocal harmonies, a noisy trebly guitar wash, and something that sounds like a walrus shouting "No! No!" - all together in a mix that forces the guitar line to continually suck-suck-suck back and forth from foreground to background for the song's entirety. By the time it's over, you'll be shouting to Henry Rollins, "Play 'Starve Already'!" But he'll think you're saying "Play 'Starve' already!" See, these are just some little tricks you can use, to get back at Henry Rollins.

I personally wouldn't spend 20 dollars on a five-minute single - even if, like this one, its songs will never be made available elsewhere, it's been autographed by the band members, and its sleeve has been specially silk-screened. Heck, I wouldn't spend 20 dollars on a full-length CD, if you want to know the truth. But I'm not like you. Maybe you're a collector, or rich person. Me, I live in a garbage can. I'm green and furry, and usually in a bad mood. Say, you haven't seen my orange worm, have you?

Oh there it is! On top of my green furry BALLS!!!! (*masturbates all over a little kid*)

Copyright 1973 Children's Television Workshop

Reader Comments

thepublicimage79@hotmail.com
Never heard it or any Melvins.

I just want to say that the thought of Prince drooling out "Whitey In The
Woodpile" may be one of the funniest things ever. hilarious.

The first post-Rutmanis Melvins studio album is a heavy, mean metal album with tons of drums, lots of drum solos, drumbeats galore, drum interplay, and drumming. You see, they've apparently replaced Kevin Rutmanis with a bass/drum duo called Big Business. I've always been a big supporter of Big Business - particularly government bailouts of companies run into the ground by corrupt senior executives - so my ears were well-greased and puckered up near the ass of the speaker to give my full support to whatever came out. Luckily, it bashed my face in with an Iron Fascist Boot of Metal Up Your Ass!

Indeed, once you get over the wild, woolly idea that the band has two drummers now, you'll never fail to not unnotice a very pleasing mixture of '70s macho chest metal, slow jagged early-style Melvins sludge, and fast headbanger action, full of the same types of bitchin'-ass hooks and off-kilter arrangements that have differentiated them from other stoner and doom metal bands for many a fine year. Also, I don't want to go back through all my Melvins albums to find out, but are their records usually chockfull of vocal harmonies? I've certainly never viewed them as a key part of the Melvins sound before, but they are all over this CD, bringing an absolutely terrific new melodic element to what are otherwise some pretty offputting little hate anthems. These wonderful harmonies indeed render "Civilized Worm" goddamned near beautifully emotional, "A History Of Drunks" one of the most honestly *FUN* songs in the band's catalog, and "A History Of Bad Men" even more Kiss-esque than it already was.

It baffles the Boggle-playing mind how Buzz "King Osborne" O manages to write album after album of pissed-off, hard-hitting '70s-influenced anger-metal without running out of new ideas, but he's still doing a phenomenal job of not only cranking out punishing new riffs but thinking up new ways of presenting them (i.e. double drums, vocal harmonies and call-response interplay, oddball arrangement changes out of nowhere). And yes, "A History Of Bad Men" comes dangerously close to plagiarizing "Night Goat," but Buzz's muscle-flexing vocal hook takes the riff an entirely different direction -- culminating in a monstrous yet poppy three-part harmony chorus!

Concludingly, I of course feel terrible for Mr. Rutmanis, but the Melvins have always been Buzz's vision so it's probably just as well. Hopefully Kevin will now form his own band (if he hasn't already) that relies as heavily on his creative input as the Cows did. In the meantime, it's probably a good bet that Buzz and Dale will continue to stretch the limits of their little old-timey band as far as they can go.

Interesting aside that is probably incorrect. You know how Courtney Love finally released Kurt Cobain's 'final song' a couple years ago, with the title "You Know You're Right"? Well, there's a song on here called "You've Never Been Right." EH? EH? EH??? A little Courtney Love attack? EH EH EH???? EHHHH????

Also, there's a song called "The Talking Horse." ED? ED? ED??? A little Mr. Ed nostalgia?

As an aside, there's also a song called "Rat-Faced Granny." EW? EW? EW??? A gross description of an old lady?

Well I'll be darned! There's also a song here called "Civilized Worm"! ET? ET? ET??? Wasn't 'E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial' kind of like a big worm? That was civilized?

Okay, I'm out of two-letter words that start with an 'E.'

NO HANG ON! There's a song called "A Vast Filthy Prison"!!! EU? EU? EU??? Isn't every single country in Europe a gigantic hellhole of SHIT?!?

That was a little shout-out to all my readers in Europe. Who's with me!??!?

Look, I could've just as easily called you "A History Of Drunks" so count your blessings, alkies. You entire continent of Alkies!

Reader Comments

vcavallo@gmail.com (Vinney)
glad you enjoyed it and finally reviewed it!
another fine piece of work from you. (and [the] melvins, of course)

adios!

amoy3r@hotmail.com
I agree with the review, And the triple vocal harmonies and drums galore are
boner inducing. Saw them live and the drums were like the greatest thing
ever. Thats because the Melvins are the greatest thing ever.

chuck.hartford@gmail.com
Prindle you asshole, it took you long enough to review the damn record you faggot. A Senile Animal makes me want to go back through the Melvins albums and listen to them all again... about a dozen times. Now quit fingering your pussy and go listen to Big Business.

diogosaraiva@gmail.com
What could possibly be better than getting the new Melvins album, and it being the best Melvins work since the 90s? Why, reading Prindle's review of it!!

Well, not really. But a great review nevertheless, pretty much exactly what I was thinking (I didn't think of Mr. Ed, though I did think of that talking horse that took care of my grandfather's run down farm).

By the way, you really should listen to Big Business... Head for the Shallow and the Tour EPs are all amazing releases.

vacantminds@gmail.com
So I bought this today. Listened to it. What an insanely overrated album! The first 7 songs are ridiculously generic, predictable music you'd expect to hear in some sort of metalhead-oriented store. Unusually upbeat for Melvins, the drums sound muted and kind of back there, and Buzz's guitar has a lot less low end. This is nothing like "Gluey Porch Treatments" at all - that album had the MASSIVE drum sound and Dale was just going nuts, Buzz's tone was just mindblowing, they've never done anything that can compare to "Bitten Into Sympathy" in my opinion. I was expecting drum solos up the poopshoot on this one (see: "Cow" from Bullhead), but it was mostly pretty straightforward stuff.

In what is probably an ode to Black Flag's "My War" (which unquestionably influenced the Melvins), the last three songs are all over 6 minutes and are noticeably slower than the rest of the songs. So these are probably the best songs on the album. I was let down by this as a whole though. I'm not so fond of Big Business. The harmonies are kind of odd. Nothing on here even comes close to "Boris", or any of the material on the Lysol album.

P.S.: I saw Primus in Minneapolis a few weeks ago!!

born.to.be.dead@gmail.com
Is it just me or do the riffs on senile animal sound like tired rip-offs of from earlier work? There`s also a severe lack of surprise element on this one, unlike it`s great predecessor HAT: their last genius full-length album. Extra vocals and drumming add nothing much. Melvins could be on their way down.

My English sucks, i know. Greetz from the Hellhole of Shit: Holland

edm1213@msn.com
This is the first Melvins i've really listened to since Stoner Witch (i wanna check out the 1999 trilogy, you know, The Bootlicker, The Crybaby and whatever the other one was, oh yeah The Maggot... but lord knows when i'll get around to it). This is a pretty decent album overall... Buzz is probably ripping himself off at this point, but it's still pretty good most the time, and most people would be hard pressed to still come up with original stuff after like 20 albums, 20 EPs/single type things, and a bunch of other stuff. The Big Business guys are pretty good too, but does Dale really need assistance? Seems like just doing something different for different's sake, but hey the other drummer is good too, so whatever. I like the little bit of Big Business i've heard myself. I'd give this 8/10.

Funny story i read in some magazine years ago... On the '98 Ozzfest, Dave Mustaine walked up to Buzz and said "I heard you guys were a big influence on Nirvana, you have any albums out?" Buzz said he replied to Mustaine, "Yeah, we've gotten eleven of them." To which Mustaine said "Oh my, where have I been?" Buzz said back, "I don't know."

I thought it was funny. Seriously, a band that had been around for 15 years at that point and seriously influenced Nirvana NOT having any albums out? What was Mustaine thinking... besides having a bible study to get to, of course.

willsh@uchicago.edu
All I'm going to say is, "Rat-Faced Granny" to "You've Never Been Right" is the most amazing seven and a half minutes the Melvins have ever done.

John Cable
A couple months ago a friend of mine sent me a youtube link with just the song
for "A History of Bad Men," because a mutual friend really loved them Melvins.
I hate it when people recommend music to me, most of the time I find all of it
repetitive bland "trying to rock" junk, even though I know it's just me. I
can't really get into new bands anymore. The end.

NO WAIT that's not the end, because once this King Buzzo guy started screaming
KEEP UP OR YOUR DISEASE SPREAD QUICK I was like "wow wait this sounds really
cool actually." And on the first listen too, it didn't take me like 5 complete
listens to start getting into it. I don't know why, because musically the song
sounded like really weird and all over the place, complicated, like good old
Metallica or Megadeth, but fuckin some other stuff too, I don't know, why do I
compare bands?

Today, I went out and actually bought this album. I haven't purchased a music
album since AC/DC's Black Ice, and before that it was Strapping Young Lad's City
in like 2001. It's probably going to be the last (physical) compact disc of
music I will ever purchase in my entire life, and I felt a little bad for the
store I bought it from (Rock of Ages in Garden City, MI), they had buckets
lining the walls for water to drip into, it was almost symbolic of the music
industry's slow gradual collapse into obsolescence. I looked at the back of
this CD case to see when in the 90s it was made, and it turns out this album was
made in 2006. I didn't know anyone made music I even liked anymore. Thanks
Melvins guys.

PS: Along with this album, I also bought Van Halen 2 (never actually owned it,
just downloaded mp3s), Megadeth Rust in Peace (same), and Alice Cooper's Welcome
to my Nightmare (never actually heard it, only own Billion Dollar Babies and
Love It To Death). All together they were $50. For 4 fuckin CDs. No wonder
the store is collapsing. :(

Andrew Moncrieff
this album is pretty good, even if much of it (and the follow up) feels a bit like autopilot, especially in light of the superior Bride Screamed Murder...I guess this was around the time of Melvins Fantomas Big Band Tour, which was a great show/lineup for sure (that dvd they put out is incredibly awesome, as is their old home video dvd from the Bullhead era...if only a live

but what I wanted to say was anyone at home, play yourself a palmmuted low E string quickly over A History of Bad Men for an instant cover of Night Goat...I'm not surprised that of all the great riffs Buzzo's written that is the one he's ripped off, after all it's a great fucking riff.

Los Angeles, CA's The Melvins have a long history of perpetrating the unexpected, and the already out-of-print limited edition Smash The State EP 7" is yet another installment in this masterly design of confounded expectation. As Robert Plant once sang, "Where's that confounded expectation?" Why, it's all over the Melvins catalog, Mr. Plant. Now run along and make another covers album, Mr. ALL DRIED UP.

Or no wait, run along and reunite with your old guitarist Mr. GLOPPY FACE.

Similarly, I became quite proud of myself last night for the accidental creation of an old-school "one-liner" the likes of which Henny Youngman would've given his rear leg for. Check this out:

"My philosophy is simple...

In fact, that was it!"

AM I RIGHT? THERE THEY ARE! ALL THE DEAD COMEDIANS! LINING UP AT MY DOOR TRYING TO GET THEIR HANDS ON MY 'BEST OLD-SCHOOL ONE-LINER OF ALL TIME'! BUT NOBODY CAN HAVE IT BUT ME ME ME ALL ME!!!!! HANG ON SOMET okay there we go.

Speaking of old-school one-liners, Smash The State EP is a tribute to old-school hardcore! This collaboration between Buzz, Dale and Tom "Haze XXL" Hazelmyer features four songs: three minute-long insane hardcore thrashers and an epic minute-and-a-half Gang Of Four tribute/homage/parody. The hardcore songs are fantastic; the guitarwork (two songs by Buzz, two by Haze) sounds bitter, trebly, distorted and completely maniacal, and each teensy-weensy song has like three different blistering little parts that combine the rhythmic interplay of the Melvins with the high-speed skittery string-attacks of Halo Of Flies.

If there is any problem to be found in the hardcore tracks, it's in Buzz's choice of vocal style. The back-up vocals are hilarious: these great little monotone BARKS of words that more often than not bury the lead vocals with their needlessly gruff volume. But Buzz himself sings in an obnoxious, whiny falsetto that I'm told is intended as a combination of early Die Kreuzen, early Meat Puppets and the late Darby Crash, but actually sounds more like the similarly unpleasant vocal approach of MDC's "This Blood's For You." They're also too heavily reverbed and high in the mix to not be headache-inducing.

The final track, "Useful Idiot" is not a Tool cover but an on-the-money jab at England's famed Gang Of Four political music band (a reference made more clear by two of the record's other song titles -- "Communist Concubine" and "Stalin's Solution"). Of this "Weird Al" Yankovic-like stylistic parody, Mr. Hazelmyer recently told a top-selling aquarium magazine, "Buzz and I are both massive GoF fans, but at the same time, the pretty standard art school communist stance was always predictable, tired, and flew in the face of common sense as historically it's exactly the free-thinking troublemaking artists that have always been the first to be rounded up in pretty much every 'workers revolution,' hence the good-natured poke at most of early GoF's lyrics. Plus it fit the theme as I remember more than a few early HC Bands that would toss an art/dub/rap/metal/rockabilly or etc. track into the mix to show they could change it up." This song also has some neat harmonics, in a good-natured poke at harmonics.

If you hurry, you can hear a full quarter of this record RIGHT HERE. Then for a mere FOUR DOLLAR, you can buy the whole thing in MP3 form for your faggoty iPod, you iPod-wearing faggot!

(*forces sex on man wearing iPod*)

From the river of blood pouring from your anus, I'm guessing you only recently purchased the iPod?

Some thieving nogoodnick leaked this CD on the Internet five thousand
years before its release date, so I angrily downloaded it in protest.
Hopefully the download is actually the final mix, or this review will
look like a bunch of laughable half-truths!

First of all, they replaced Buzz with a girl singer and they all play
violins now. Secondly the b

Ha ha! A little "downloading gaffe" humor for you to enjoy!

But to be deathly serious for a moment, a pair of reader commentators
(or as Mrs. Potato told her daughter, "Don't marry Howard Cosell! He's
just a 'common tater'!") earlier expressed concern that (A) Senile
Animal sounded like "tired rip-offs of from earlier work" and
"ridiculously generic, predictable music." Also, one guy told me to
"quit fingering (my) pussy." I suppose that's off-topic but
nevertheless, he did.

Well, sorry to tell you Sad Sax, but if you thought the Melvins were
stagnating with (A) Senile Animal, then you're really
going to be depressed when you hear Nude With Boots. It's got
the same band line-up, same vocal harmonies, same angry riffs and same
'70s hard rock influence. The only difference is that he no longer
seems as excited about having two drummers; most of the performances
feature a fairly normal percussive presence (with occasional cowbell,
chimes, etc) rather than the over-inflated sense of drum-self prevalent
throughout (A)SM.

On the other hand, if (like me) you are constantly amazed and overjoyed
by the rock-riff-writing abilities of Buzz Osborne, no matter whether
he's staying in his comfort zone or taking visionary trips to creative
vistas previously untraveled, Nude With Boots is literally going
to kick your ass in, and you're literally going to have to spend the
next month in the hospital undergoing anal reconstructive surgery.

This may actually be the most '70s-influenced album they've ever
released, and is certainly one of the happiest. Believe me, it
definitely has its share of Melvins rage, but the
Kiss-esque riff rocker "Billy Fish," Zeppelin-toned "The Kicking
Machine" and goodtime rockin' title track are downright cheery -
not just in comparison to other Melvins songs, but in and of themselves!
Much the same should probably not be said about the mean, trudging "Dog
Island," stomping, feedbacking "The Smiling Cobra," screaming,
avant-vomit "It Tastes Better Than The Truth" or sludgey, noisy, sick,
hissing, piss-angry "The Savage Hippy." So that bit about 'one of the
happiest' - never mind that bit.

If it's art or diversity you're after, "Dies Iraea" has the unique
quality of sounding like the Melvins doing a Trey Spruance cover, and
"Flush" is a minute-long squiggly ambient piece. It probably wouldn't
be in your best interest to look for art or diversity in the other nine
tracks.

Because they'll be too busy KICKING YOUR ASS!!!!!

Why an 8 instead of 9? Nothing major - just a few lesser passages here
and there. For example, the crux of "Suicide In Progress" is
WAAAAY too reminiscent of an earlier Melvins song whose name I
can't remember; I think it's on Stag or Stoner Witch hey
you're the expert. And there's really no reason for the numbingly
repetitive "It Tastes Better Than The Truth" to drag on for five and a
half minutes. Likewise, there's no reason for the the pointless
"Flush," period. Not that I don't think women shouldn't flush after
their period, because I do. Come on that's basic hygiene.

In summation, if you liked (A) Senile Animal, you will probably
like this one as well. But you nay-sayers: before you call Nude In
Boots a 'retread' or accuse the band of 'stagnating,' think of how
many completely unexpected and unorthodox releases they've tossed out of
left field throughout their career -- the solo EPs, the 'monthly single
for a year' gimmick, the Jello Biafra collaborations, Prick, Honky,
The Bootlicker, The Crybaby, Colossus of Destiny, Pigs of the Roman
Empire, Smash The State EP, Neither Here Nor There -- and ask
yourself, "What are the odds that the Melvins are actually 'stagnating"
right now?" Or ever will be? All they DO is take chances! And sure
sometimes these chances stink (Prick, Colossus of
Destiny), but at least they took them. And I'm sure they'll
take them again. So let's enjoy the status quo for the short time that
we've got it!

Also, wouldn't it be hilarious if both the Democratic candidates lost
their cool at the exact same moment during an important televised
debate? I'd absolutely LOVE to see something like this:

Clinton: "You have to, as voters, determine who you think can be the
best president, to tackle all those problems on day one, waiting in the
Oval Office, who can be the best nominee for the Democratic Party to be
able to withstand whatever they decide to do on the other side of the
aisle, and come out victorious."

Obama: "Senator Clinton, I think, is a capable politician and I think
that she has run a terrific campaign. But what the American people are
looking for right now is straight answers to tough questions, and that
is not what we've seen out of Senator Clinton on a host of issues."

Clinton: "I was taken aback by the demeaning remarks Sen. Obama made
about people in small town America. His remarks are elitist and out of
touch."

Obama: "Jesus Fuck, how can you call the son of a goat herder 'elitist'
and not feel like a complete asshole?"

Clinton: "Oh go pick my cotton, monkey."

SEE??? Now THAT'S Election Year Drama!!!!!

And sure McCain would win and we'd all end up getting drafted, but
that's not my point.

Reader Comments

rkay51@hotmail.com (Ryan Kelly)
Hi Mark,

Not really a comment on the record here (although I am enjoying it a lot, I don't feel like I know it well enough to truly chime in on it). Just emailing to say that Dies Iraea is a cover of the theme from the Shining (although I can hear the Spruance vibe you refer to!).

amoy3r@gmail.com
After my first listen through I really don't like it that much. I wanted more interesting drum parts but it's really not about what I want. I am pretty sure it will grow on me after a while. I also thought it was too short. There are alot of great riffs on here also.

Funny review as always Mark

SidXlll@aol.com
Dear Mark,

I'm writing in response to your great review of The Melvins' album "Nude With Boots."

I think it's horrible that some jerkface would poison such a hard working band like The Melvins by leaking their new album more than 2 months before its release.

It's not as if the melvins are like Metallica. They don't have 18 yachts or 73 gold plated limos! They don't drink Cristal from diamond encrusted chalices whist sitting on a throne made of virgin flesh!

They also don't spend 5 years making a crappy album then release a movie of themselves crying for 2 hours!

They, like me, can't sit on their duffs and wait for million dollar royalty checks to come in. No! we must work for our money and if that includes playing poker in a rundown russian restaurant then SO BE IT!

Yours Truly,
C. Thomas Howell

sandworm_auditor@hotmail.com
Referring to the comment by Ryan, I think Dies Iraea is actually just a cover of the original Gregorian chant thing. Though I don't know the Shining soundtrack very well, maybe there's a cover of it on there. Fantastic album, by the way

conwy@hotmail.co.uk
I spent a lot of time listening to this album when I first got it, which is probably why I'm so bored with it now. I've got a real habit of overplaying things (I used to put 'Suicide In Progress' on repeat and play it a million times trying to learn the guitar part for it.)

But you just CAN'T get bored with The Savage Hippy. You CAN'T. That song is just GREAT.

And the artwork. It's hideous!! Sure dogs rock, but next time get a nice one!! Try harder next time Mackie!!!! Try as hard as you did with 10,000 Days by Tool (an album referred to as 'Grammy Award Winning' on Wikipedia. Sure, it won a Grammy, but not for the music - it won it for 'Best Recording Package'.) Then again, the artwork is totally Melvinoid. Completely Buzz-ing. Really Cro

For me the production is yummier than it was on (A) Senile Animal. That album sounds like mp3 quality or whatever you techni-music-nerds want call it! ^-^

7/10.

It would've gotten a 8/10 back when I shaved my pubes.

thepublicimage79@hotmail.com
have not heard this album or much melvins besides "gluey porch treatments" and "bullhead."

that political debate is hilarious. I mean funny as hell.

Kevin By Berge
I can´t believe it! I wanted to check how many Melvins albums ago i did a review for here on yr excellent parental advisory explicit page and i found my old email kezzbynoza@hotmail.com absolutely trashing "Colossus of Destiny".

It´s a good thing i decided to wait for their follow-up album before writing my thoughts on "Nude With Boots" cuz my opinion of both of them have changed a lot since hearing them the first time.

Mind you, i am not dissing you Mark cuz u need to review them as quick as a quickie for yr ebay-sales (or was it some other black-market 2nd-hand arena??).

As for my lazy ass with no great biznis-plan up my ass, i can enjoy the luxury of letting the albums sink properly into my system before trashing them.

After releasing a fantastic HAT with Kevin Rutmanis, then doing a switcharoo with him and Lustmord before going for a fresh live-oriented 2-drum gimmick with Coady and Jared on (A)SA, i am glad to say that Nude With Boots is the Melvins back in great studio form. Even though the big phat juicy drums-sound of the Atlantic years were briefly back during (A)SA but gone again this time around, NWB sounds much better in my ears because they seem to have found each other collectively as a band and therefore taken the extra time to use the studio more. The studio aspect of the Melvins have always been important to me much because of the fact that they can often seem very predictable and minimal in the song-writing. That said, Buzz is luckily a master of taking something very simple and re-arranging it to something 110% MELVINS. This is why (A)SA gets away sounding so wicked and fresh despite Buzz re-using old riffs.

As for Nude With Boots i can´t recognize any obvious re-use here and i am glad to hear the sound vary so much from song to song. I know most long-time fans can´t wait for Coady and Jared to get fired and for Buzz to bring in yet another bassplayer with a tight asshole (see the infamous website "Melvins are Gay") but for me, myself and i appreciate this setup heaps because they now have so many stings to play on (you have already named most of them Mark); 4 vocal harmonies, percussion, 2 drums, Buzz' dynamic layering of guitars, bass and Toshi's studio wizardry. It´s all sounding awesome in my book.

Highlights for me on NWB are "Billy Fish", the title-track and "Dog Island". The latter is a perfect example of simple sludge-riffs played along to quirky timesignatures but yet maintaining a sludgy "drive" throughout. GO MELVINS!

Now where can i get that new one…. "the Bride Screamed Big Dick" was it?

You know, I've never in my life even for half a second considered "The Star-Spangled Banner" to be a catchy song, but now I can't get it out of my head! Those darned Melvins have brought harmony, reverb and warmth to this sporting event favorite in an a capella version sure to stir up patriotic feelings in even the most America-hating liberal. Don't be surprised if your local protesting hippies start chanting "U! S! A!" after one listen to this gorgeous four-voice masterwerk.

But then it's time to GET THE LED OUT with a Kiss cover on no hold t

But then it's time to GET THE KISS OUT with an ass-kicking cover of the greatest song Kiss ever recorded, the dynamite headbanger "Detroit Rock City." The Melvins do a straight cover, but manage to make it kick even more walloping fist-pumping cocksmithery than Ace, Peter, Paul and Mary's original. If this song doesn't make you feel ecstatic to be alive, then go back to your non-rocking pussy music, Pitchfork-reading fairy. "Oh look at me! TV On The Radio!" BOOOOOOORRRIIIINNGGGG.

Reader Comments

billy.barron@tx.rr.com
The title track I can hear just as good at any sporting event. "Detroit
Rock City" is okay, but inferior to the original (and I'm no fan of KISS).

You have to buy a cartoon to own this album, so hopefully you're 5 years old like a little baby so you can buy this album with an animated cartoon. It features bits and segments from two Melvins concerts -- one from Berkeley, CA, where they pay the homeless drug addicts money to continue being hippy beggar annoying pieces of shit, in 1989, and one from Boston, MA in 2008. The early material, presented for hippy drug addicts, includes 7 Ozma songs and one Bullhead song. The later material, performed in Boston for Sam Malone and the usual crowd at Cheer's, includes 3 A Senile Animal, 2 A Nude Animal, and one each Nudehead Animal and Nudey Porch Animals. You know what? Eat shit.

I didn't mean that. But the new Melvins material features two drummers and harmony vocals, even in the live context. That is SO AWESOME! Their early stuff just kinda blows. Okay, not "blows," per se, but certainly "dicks around for a minute and a half and then ends".

Their new stuff has so much great hard rock energy! Their old stuff is just bitter. So very very bitter. One thing though: the newer line-up doing the early material is all like, "Hay I'm Buzz and this early material suxx so I'm gonna play it wrong." I'm serious. In "Boris," he hits the guitar so hard that he hits extra strings and it sounds like shit, and in "Eye Flys," he bends one string for nine thousand years, drowning out the killer bass line, and ruining that too. Come on, Buzz. If you don't like the early material, don't play it!

However, at the same time, thank you Buzz and you know why. You have a strong backbone and you are a wonderful and supportive man. I respect you a billion.

This is just between you and me, Buzz, but "hey, how's it going?".

As for the rest of you, thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true; you're a pal and a confidante. And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, (*takes a dump on a greeting card*)

My wife told me not to review an album tonight. She said, "Don't do that." But I did, and htank God I did, because I've just created the most insightful record review in the history of record reviews. I'm now going to post several comments sent to my fingers by my brain for your enlightenment:

1. Don't get raped

2. Death happens, but you know what? I know!

3. Dogs are the best person in the world.

4. Republicans are sociopaths and should be beaten with a chain. Democrats want their money for nothing and their chicks for free. I say skip them both, particularly if you don't live in the United States.

5. There's no reason at all to buy this comic book/CD, ecxept that the CD rules and the comic book is probably hilarious.

6. If somebody walks towards you threateningly, do these three things in immediate succession: (1) use the bottom of your palm to shove their nose into their brain as hard as you can, (2) bash them in the temple (right above their eye, on the side of their face) with your elbow, and (3) punch them with all your might in the throat. Then run!

7. If you're a psychopath, kill assholes, not nice people. I've mentioned this on my site a lot, but people keep killing nice people. Come on psychopaths! Do the world a favor, not a BLAVOR!

8. I made up the word "blavor."

9. Enough with the dreams about me living at the top of the world trade center! The Ggoddem thing blew up 8 years ago! Why do I keep dreaming that (a) I live at the top, (b) the elevator takes like 45 minutes, and (c) if you take the elevator from the top, it's a scary as hell amusement park ride? None of these itemized occurrences benefit today's youth.

10. We need to change the name of our country to "The United States Of Love." Then on our flag, we can change the stars to little hearts, and replace the stripes with HR Giger's "Penis Landscape." What will North Korea do but unarm?

Conclusion: Eggs.

Reader Comments

bpony@mts.net
You should really write songs for the band Was (Not Was). Perhaps your
first lyrical submission could be "Mark Prindle vs Pseudo Record
Reviewers on Amazon.com." You seem to have that fucked up knack for
off-the-wall writing.

It's about time the Melvins recorded a live album. Unfortunately this one, their sixth live album, relies almost entirely on songs from their two most recent studio releases. And sure those albums were good, but come on the band has sixty billion albums, let's branch out a bit.

Specifically, the CD features live versions of five (A) Senile Animal and four Nude With Boots songs, as well as one each from Stag, Gluey Porch Treatments, Bullhead and the Star-Spangled Banner 7". The sound is nice and heavy, and the vocals are as clear as a crystal, but the double-drum line-up is short-changed by a mono mix that makes it sound like an embarrasingly non-multiple ONE drummer. Ha ha! Can you imagine!? What kind of fag would only have one drummer?

A larger problem is that, as great as these songs sounded on the original releases, their appeal relied to a certain degree on strong production work (utilizing a variety of guitar tones, sonic effects, outside instruments, harmony vocal overdubs, etc). Live, they're reduced to their murky, heavy skeletons. Sometimes this is fine; other times it's just not enough ("Dog Island," "Dies Irae" and "Rat Faced Granny" seem particularly weakened by the transition). It's almost as if a fag did it.

The Melvins are a great band, but I'm not sure why they felt compelled to release this album. It'd be one thing if they'd reworked a career-spanning set of songs to maximize the double-drum line-up, then made sure to stereo-separate the kits while recording. Unfortunately, probably because of a fag, they didn't.

In closing, I urge you to protect the sanctity of marriage as a sacred union between one man and one fag.

Yeah, more like SHITken SHITch if you ask me!!! Good Gravypants, what a terrible record this is. The band came up with a clever idea -- ask a bunch of experimental artists to create original 'remix' tracks not from Melvins songs, but from entire albums! -- and the artists responded by making a bunch of high-pitched noise interspersed with overdistorted buzzing. Great work, talented men of 'experimental' music! You've succeeded in creating the absolute WORST record in the entire Melvins catalog (aside from Shit Sandwich, whose title is so similar to Chicken Switch that you have to wonder if the Melvins are playing a joke on us here). Prick may have been frustrating and Colossus Of Destiny somewhat dull, but this is the first time the Melvins have released a record that is actively, brutally, infuriatingly ANNOYING.

I had actually intended to begin this review with the comment "It must be nice to not be able to play a musical instrument!" but according to online sources, most of these artists actually can -- so what on Earth drove them to convert classic Melvins works into unrecognizable, unlistenable shit racket!? Here are just a few of the highlights you'll encounter if you accidentally drop $16 into a record store clerk's hand and yell "Chicken Switch!":

Farmers Manual's "disp_tx_skel_mach_murx" - This Viennese electronic music and visual art group brings us a difficult but extremely rewarding track featuring annoying vocal samples, digital squiggles, high-pitched signals, drumstick tapping, a voice saying "No" over and over again, then more squiggles, some pish-posh noises and even more high-pitched noise. Genius.

Christoph Heemann's "Emperor Twaddle Reemix" - This German musician takes intelligent avant-garde sonics to a whole new level in this slow quiet drone that's suddenly interrupted by a blast of cacophonous drums and high-speed guitar. Until somebody invents a new word that is four or five times stronger than "Godlike," this track will remain sadly free of appropriate superlative.

David Scott Stone's "Prick Concrete/Revolution M" - This longtime Melvins associate took that "Aaaaaaah" voice thing from Prick and just fucked around with it for several minutes. At first it sounded like a worthless piece of shit to me, but then somebody told me it was an outstanding piece of work from a true experimental virtuoso, so now I realize that it's just "challenging."

V/Vm's "She Chokes Her Dying Breath And Does It In My Face" - This infamous British 'artist hacker' lives up to his renegade reputation by 'hacking' out an overdistorted noisy annoyance that is most likely several songs being played at the same time. Pointless and stupid? No! Avant-garde!

Sunroof!'s "The Silky Apple Butter Of Youth" - Apparently this guy was in Skullflower, but I could've sworn Skullflower didn't play swishly smooth synth washes of Eno-ized boredom twaddle. Therefore, this unexpected change of style is difficult but rewarding. And by 'reward," I of course mean 'piece of shit.'

It's awful. It is simply AWFUL. Prior to its release, some clever nellie leaked a FAKE download onto the Internet, featuring things like Melvins riffs mixed with the vocals to "My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard," a funny reiteration of "Theresa Screams," and Bad Company's album track "Feel Like Makin' Love" in its entirety. Though the majority of the fake download was worthless noise, it was STILL BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL ALBUM.

I myself enjoy a total of two songs on Chicken Switch. A few others have their moments: Sonic Youth guitarist Lee Ranaldo includes some funny spoken samples in his piece, Boredoms vocalist Eye Yamatsuka lays down some massive drums and chugging phased noise, and Matador Records duo Matmos creates a pretty wicked bass-driven song that unfortunately drags on forever with no changes. But as for full tracks that I can enjoy and respect from start to finish, the only 2 artists (out of 15!!!) that come through are (A) legendary Japanese noisemaker Merzbow, who converts a feedback-distortion loop into a hypnotic musical hook before piling on sick random computer noises, and (B) something or somebody called "Void Manes," who screwballs with the rhythm, bass line and ambient noises of "Night Goat" to convert it into something even creepier than its source material. If only the rest of the remix artists had the exact same musical taste as me, this could've been a great album.

It's the MELVINS, for Pete's sake. How hard could it be to take their already great music and make something good out of it? More to the point, why on Earth would you convert it into a bunch of piercing electronic feedback and tuneless go-nowhere distortion!? Again, I'm tempted to answer, "Because you have no talent!" but rumor sources claim that this conclusion is simply not true. I don't ferret out experimental music myself so I wouldn't know one way or the other. But the fact that most of these songs are irritating in the exact same way begs the question of how 'experimental' these artists really are. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that, just like any '60s burnout who claims he was just "experimenting" with drugs, these guys are practicing nothing but self-indulgence.

In conclusion, 10 of these 15 tracks are among the worst and least thoughtful piles of amateurish noisemaking in my entire 500,000,000,000-piece record collection.

You: "I know it's a difficult listen, but it's very rewarding!"

Me: "Anybody could create this garbage. ANYBODY."

You: "Oh yeah? Then why haven't they?"

Me: "Because they know it SUCKS!"

You: "Look, a bird!" (*bird flies by, takes shit on Holy Bible gripped in the loving hands of a small child*)

Reader Comments

oilprophet@yahoo.com
I'd give it a high 5! Some really good! But some have just one synth note held down with some boring shit..,and it stinks. If your going to be repetitive on a compilation, do it brutally for buzzo. The absolute worst is the gay disco queen electrocrash remix. But about half the songs feature some pounding drums and cool ass swirling frequencies. The lee renaldo track is entirely rockin! He did a GREAT job. Sounds like speedranch worked hard too...but I just don't know about the direction he went with it. Maybe it just has to be really really loud to fully appreciate! This kind of music can sound like a vertebrael column without the cord if the frequencies aren't just right. I want it to make my ears ring!, but before it happens, the shrillness fades away. If it was like SHHHHHHHHHWAWAWCHCHASHHHH the whole time, then yea it would be brutal no matter what volume. But instead it morphs into like different sounds and directions without retaining the mood. As soon as you get pulled, it goes and takes a left turn..and thats hard to follow. The track (farmersmanual) tries to sound like a solemn chamber of torcher. It failed, too much digital noise. The russian prison sound doesn't need those high fi'ed compressed simple pure tones..no way dude. I'm talking about some pigs getting slaughterd. Bring the chains down!!!!!

Most people know my feelings about being ripped off: I love it. And that's why I whole-heartedly endorse with every ounce of my guts and strength this fabulously exploitative new 12" by legendary con artists The Melvins. For the high, high price of only $25.99, you get:

- A version of Nude With Boots' "Dies Irae" that has been extended from a mere 4:30 to a thieving 6:54 -- all without a single new note of interest! How's that for chicanery?

- A bunco "remix" of Nude With Boots' "It Tastes Better Than The Truth" that sounds so similar to the original that it's a regular swindle!

Yes, you get all this and much, much nothing else! But I know what you're thinking: "Mark, how can I be sure that this record is every bit the shady shell game you describe? Can you guarantee that a fast one will be pulled on me the second I exchange money for this snow job scam?"

I can answer you with a single word: "Deceit." And what rhymes with "Deceit"? "REceipt!" So this is my promise to you: if you purchase this 12" and for any reason feel less than completely gyped, jived and flimflammed, just email me your receipt and I'll send you a bill for an additional $25.99! You can't lose!!!

Yes, it's always a great day for bamboozlement when the Melvins release a new hoaxing put-on!

Great news! I saw Public Image Ltd. LIVE the other night! I actually saw them twenty years ago on the 9 tour too, but this was different! This time they played OLD songs too! Here's what they played from each record:

Public Image - Public Image, Religion, Annalisa Second Edition - Swan Lake, Memories, Poptones, Chant, AlbatrossThe Flowers Of Romance - The Flowers Of Romance, Four Enclosed WallsThis Is What You Want... This Is What You Get - This Is Not A Love Song, Tie Me To The Length Of ThatAlbum - Rise, BagsHappy? - Nut 'N Honey9 - USLS 1, Disappointed, WarriorThat What Is Not - Nut 'N HoneyPsycho's Path - Psychopath, Sun, Open UpThe Bride Screamed Murder by The Melvins - THE ENTIRE ALBUM! I KNOW, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT E

After so many years and so many tears, it must be incredibly difficult for the Melvins to keep coming up with new ideas. But somehow they've pulled it off with flying colorful flags yet once more again. In fact, I can almost imagine the pre-recording conversation......

(jerk your monitor around really hard so the screen gets all wiggly like a TV flashback)

"Super" Buzz Osborne: "Some people are saying that our last two studio albums resembled each other to a certain degree. What in the halibut are we going to do about this?"

"Chippen" Dale Crover: "Not me!"

Coady "Whadju Talkin' 'Bout" Willis: "Ida know!"

Jared "Rabbit" Warren: "How about if we stick an army chant in the first song?"

Buzzy Osborne: "Say!"

Dale "Murphy" Crover: "I like it!"

Jared "From Subway" Warren: "How about putting a sci-fi organ into the second song?"

(okay, now throw your monitor out the window to signify that the flashback has reached its end)

The double-drum insanity persists and Buzz is still shoutin', singin' and blasting your dick off with his gigantic anger guitar, but otherwise this record is yet another journey into influences unknown for Aberdeen, WA's finest San Francisco band. The Melvins remain one of the smartest, most consistent and least predictable rock bands in the world. Like Neil Young's electric car, long may they run!

Also, I totally made up that bit about Jared coming up with all the ideas. The mastermind of the project was, of course (as always), The Christian Jesus God. The Melvins' bodies were simply a conduit through which he delivered his message of musical commandments. Thank you, Christian Jesus God, for another ass-kicking Melvins album!

AME(lvi)N!(s)

Reader Comments

Kirk Howle
Hi, Mark. Kirk here, first time listener, long time reader. I finally bought this new Melvins disc even though some people told me it's the same old same old for them. However, upon listening to it, it's not at all the same old, in my humble "IMHO" opinion. It's a completely different new! My first impression of this disc was, "wow, this is kind of mellow for The Melvins." Upon a further listen I now realize there is quite a lot of heavy stuff, but it's just interspersed with several quieter, solemn moments. This feels like a concept album to me, with what appears to be a running theme of war, revolution, death, and possibly regret. Is this their anti-war album? I don't know, but it rocks hard ass artsy arse nuts.

Created specifically to be sold at AmRep's 25th Anniversary Bash Outdoor & Indoor Music/Art Festival, this 12" features one blank side and one song called "Paraquat Plus" that clocks in at a clambaking 12:39. Unfortunately, from the sound of it, the song is just a poorly recorded Melvins jam session over which Tom "Haze XXL" Hazelmyer has plastered additional guitars, vocals and electronic noise. The track careens through passages of punk, '70s hard rock, metal, sludge, funk rock and chunky tuneless noise, but never really finds a direction. It just stops and starts at random whenever the guitarist or bassist gets bored with the current riff and decides to move on to something else. The mix is extremely murky, forcing one to concentrate closely to make out any potential hooks. And although Haze rants through the entire song, good luck making out a single word he says.

If you're eager to hear it anyway, go to www.amphetaminereptile.com and purchase the cheap-as-dirt Non-Collector Scum CD, which includes this 12" along with eleven other new recordings by God Bullies, The Thrown Ups, Boss Hog, Vaz, H*O*F, White Drugs, Haze XXL, Jon Spencer, Gay Witch Abortion and Barry Hennsler.

Speaking of things that aren't very good at all, I was digging through some old papers a minute ago and discovered some of my very first record reviews ever! It's surprising to revisit these things and see the kind of obscure stuff that my college newspaper let me review back in the day. So here you go: some examples of the WaCkY KrAzEeEe record reviews I was writing back in 1992-93, when I was 19 years old:

Axe Hero by Rancid Hell Spawn A+
This British Combo has been wowing critics and fans alike for years with chart-topping LPs like Jumpin' jack Flesh and Chainsaw Masochist, and this album will not disappoint!
Like Ministry doing bubblegum pop, they pump a cheesy Casio keyboard through a really noisy distortion pedal, turn it all the way up, and let it rock! The kids dig it, and how could they not with surefire hit singles like "Vermin Sewer Rat From Hell" and "I'm In Love With A Gangster's Moll"?
If you love a bunch of really short, stupid, noisy songs that all sound the same, then honey child, this is the record for you.

No Borderline by Copernicus A+
Boy, here's some catchy stuff! If the idea of a kooky old gentlefellow spewing out pseudo-philosophical drivel like "Does that cigarette exist? Nothing exists! It's all an illusion, my friend!" while overdone theatrical music and cheesy jazz flail around in the background appeals, then, my favorite sweetheart baby sugarplum, this is the record for you.
Apparently this is his fifth record, so he must have some fans somewhere. It doesn't kick my butt as hard as, say, the last Distorted Pony album, but it definitely has its moments.

Thunder Perfect Mind by Nurse With Wound A+
This hot new slab of wax is sure to take Alternative Nation by storm! Sounding a lot like what Pearl Jam would sound like if they replaced Eddie Vedder with a bunch of sound effects and fired everybody else in the band, this band has developed a devoted following with their clever blend of primitive noise, recorded samples and grungy synthesizer bloops.
Although this CD contains only two tracks (the 24-minute "Cold" and the 33-minute "Colder Still"), it's bound to be right up there with Juliana Hatfield as the best progressive rock release of 1993. If you love amplified heartbeats and little beeping noises, then girlfriend honey child fiancee, this is the record for you.

Perverted By Language by The Fall A+
Actually, this album came out in 1983, but it's really good.

Tenko Ikue Mori by Death Praxis A+
Death Praxis are two pretentious Japanese women who like to play electronic drums and wail out words in some weird language that's hard to understand. Kinda like the Indigo Girls except they don't have a huge lesbian following.

Admonishing The Bishops by Thinking Fellers Union Local 282 A+
Four more great songs by the exceptionally talented and creative San Francisco outfit who created 1992's finest album, Mother of All Saints. Definitely worth a listen or six. Especially "Hurricane," which has the same number of syllables in the title as "Cannonball" by the Breeders.

The word "flustrated" F-
It's not a word. Stop saying it.

Some Cocktail Suggestions by Steel Pole Bathtub B-
This band has wowed critics for years with their clever blend of electric guitar, bass, drums and vocals, but this little EP falls short of what now appear to be unrealistic expectations on the part of a fairly literate yet overzealous fan base who very well might just be unaware of the difficulties intrinsic in the action of accepting the duty to follow up a very entertaining full-length recording with a shorter product of equal or surpassing quality.
They could do better than this. Heck, you could do better than this. And you're not very good at all.

Speed Is Dreaming by St. Johnny C-
Not real good. Sounds a lot like a desk. A plain, old, boring desk that just sits there all day, not doing anything, just sitting there smoking a Marlboro, oblivious to the fact that this sort of alternative rock wore thin about eight years ago. But if one of the members did a lo-fi solo album, it'd probably be really good!

Quarantine Heaven by Luxurious Bags A
This is a lo-fi solo album by one of the members of St. Johnny. It's really good! Unlike St. Boring (ooh! That was clever!), this stuff is kinda weird and all over the place, like an old Residents album or a puppy that just swallowed a firecracker.

Prazision by LaBradford A+
They're from Richmond, and resemble a cross between Spacemen 3 and Throbbing Gristle. They do pretty droney, spacey numbers with weird grinding electronic noises in the background. They call it "easy listening." I call it "Pretty friggin' great for two guys." It's got a song called "Experience the Gated Oscillator!" What reason do I have now for ever leaving the house? And don't say "The ice cream man," 'cause I don't go in for that crap. They're all a bunch of cheats and liars.

Ko Sira by Oumou Sangare
This is music from Mali, so it's a lot like Bob Seger. But it's wtice as good as all those other generic Mali grunge bands. Really! It's good! It's even got Brehima Diakite on kamelen n'goni! And you thought he could only play the djembe! Ha! You couldn't have been more wrong!

Wolverine Blues by Entombed A+
Entombed are one of the finest heavy metal bands alive in Sweden today. U Cederlund adn Alx Hellid have great command over their heavily distorted electric guitars, and the powerful rhythm section of Lars Rosenberg and Nicke Andersson keeps it relentless and special. With important socially conscious lyrics like "Drinking blood/A red delightful powder/My fatal bite/The art of the blackest hour," it's a wonder they have yet to be asked to join Col. Bruce Hampton and the Aquarium Rescue Unit on an Eco-Funk Lollapalooza tour. We can only hope that their appearance on the Conan O'Brien show will open America's eyes to the oodles of creativity that Entombed has.

The Man Who has No eats Has No Sweats by The Vile Cherubs A+
Wow! Great band! Wonderful melodies! Punky, yet Beatle-esque! Underproduced in a good way! They've got a great future ahead of them with songwriting talent like this! Wow!
Oh hell, never mind. It says here that they broke up in 1988.

Deliverance by Corrosion of Conformity D
Dammit to Hell! Corrosion of Confortmity used to be the best hardcore band in North Carolina! Their first album, Eye For An Eye, is all speed and yelling and there's like 20 songs and "Rabid Dogs" is on there and I love it so much and their second album, Animosity sounds more like metal than punk but it still kicks ass in a big way.
However, on the downside, over the last nine years or so, they've just gotten worse and worse, and now they just sound like Soundgarden... which I guess is OK since Soundgarden doesn't sound like Soundgarden anymore. One supposes that it's nice to have somebody there to pick up the slack, but there's still something fundamentally wrong with this situation. Ahh, Dammit to Hell!

Shimmer by Surgery B+
These guys used to be hate rockers on AmRep. Now, thery're retro-'70s bluesy cock rockers on Atlantic. I enjoy it. They pull it off beter than the Black Crowes, anyway. Plus the cover has this naked woman on it. And you can't beat that, man. Unless you've got some marijuana, of course, but that goes without saying.

Lucky by Janitor Joe B-
There are many people who will tell you that all the bands on Amphetamine Reptile sound the same. And in a sense, those people are right. Almost all of the AmRep bands (Guzzard, Chokebore, Hammerhead, Today is the Day, plus alumni like Tar and Helmet, among others) pride themselves on playing as noisily, heavily and angrily as possible.
The best of these bands manage to combine the hatred of early punk with the intensity of good heavy metal in a very powerful manner. The worst just play boring chord sequences and yell. Janitor Joe does a little of both.
This is pretty good though, and the new bass player (who replaced Kristen Pfaff, who joined Hole shortly before dying of a heroin overdose in a bathtub in Seattle) kicks some major-league thingy. If I were you, I'd buy all the Cows albums first, though. But that's just if I were you. And, as is almost obvious, I'm not you, nor have I even considered being you for quite some time.

Take A Look Inside by The Folk Implosion B
The Folk Implosion is a super duo made up of Lou Barlow from Sebadoh, and John Davis, who apparently used to be in The Palace Brotehrs a long tiem ago. It's not folk. I'll tell you that right now. I'm taking a Folksongs course this semester, and I'm telling you, this stuff isn't traditional folk music. It's not a cappella, first of all. That's imperative.
Plus, it sounds more like a couple of snotty kids trying to play new wave punker music than anything else. It's pretty entertaining, but don't buy it expecting to hear "The Cruel Shipcarpenter" or "Lord Derwentwater," because, fellow, you're bound to find yourself sorely disappointed. Not as disappointed as you'd be if you shelled out $10 for that new Sebadoh snoozefest, but I suppose that's another story entirely.

Kermit Unpigged by The Muppets D
What a piece of crap. Jim Henson's son does the voice of Kermit now and he sounds like crap. All the jokes are stupid as crap. Ozzy Osbourne's on it singing "Born To Be Wild" with Miss Piggy and it's a pile of crap.
I couldn't sit through it without wanting to take a crap. I mean, I'm not knocking crap... I'm just sayin'...

Reader Comments

Rollie Hatch
Holy shit, I dug up some of my first letters to record reviewers from when I was 9:

"Dear Mark. These aren't record reviews. My 4th grade teacher is teaching us Record Reviews and I'm telling you, these aren't record reviews. They're on the Internet, first of all. And that doesn't even exist!"

I realized something today--that I hardly create anything that isn't a reference to something else. Or inspired by a reference to something else. I clearly haven't done anything about it yet since the genesis of this email message was a reference to something you already did. I guess this makes me want to ask you a question: How often do the things you listen to remind you or refers to something else, whether it be consciously or subconsciously? (Subconsciously, I would assume meaning you realized it later on that it reminded you of something before.) Also, a separate but equal question: How much of what you LIKE is made up for stuff that reminds you or refers to something else? There are probably more places to go with this. I should've probably put it on the message board.

Anyway, I haven't actually heard "Hurray For Me Fuk You" unless it's a reference to the Bad Religion song from Stranger Than Fiction which goes "Hooray for me... and fuck you!". On the other hand, I have finally heard The Bride Screamed Murder thanks to commenter Kirk Howle letting me borrow it a couple weeks ago. I have to say I was not blown away, but I did really dig the duel drummers finally having some fun with the stereo spectrum in one of the first few tracks. I think I could probably just listen to them fuck around for an hour. Fun is fun.

Double anyway, girlfriend honeychild fiancee, even these old reviews are awesome. Keep up the wood gork.

Finally getting around to releasing their first live album, The Melvins chintz the world with a half-assed four-hour throwaway with nothing on it but live 2011 performances of Bullhead, Lysol, Eggnog, Houdini and Stoner Witch in their entireties, along with a condensed version of Colossus of Destiny, one track each from Gluey Porch Treatments, The Crybaby, Star Spangled Banner 7" and AmRep's Dope, Guns & Fucking V/A comp, and exclusive covers of songs by The Olsen Twins, Cream and the McGuire Sisters. Thanks for phoning it in assholes.

The Melvins are a great band, but I think I speak for the entire non-"Weird Al" Yankovic universe when I say, "What's up with all the stupid voices?" Stupid voices galore on this thing, ignorantifying up such formerly formidable grunge anthems as "With Teeth," "Sacrifice," "Joan of Arc" and "Boris," along with new novelty covers "Gimme Pizza" and "Goodnight Sweetheart." Perhaps I'm overly sensitive to stupid voices because I was born with no teeth but these retarded "EEEE UHHHH WEEE" mouth excretions make me cringe every time they appear in this set, which is more often than a cotton ball soften.

Furthermore, some of these songs are simply not performed well. I love The Melvins' studio records like most people love genital mutilation, but some of these in-concert renditions just don't "cut the goat" if you know what I mean. Flipper's pounding "Sacrifice" is recast as a sleepy palm-muted bore; the powerful dark Western "Lizzy" is destroyed by staticy line noise indicative of a shitty cable; "Zodiac"'s mind-violating octave swoop is replaced by a seizure-inducing blast of ugly assholish feedback; "Okie From Muskogee" is flattened into a near-acapella pile of messy voices; the formerly cool'n'groovy "Lividity" is pointlessly stretched out far past its breaking point (SEVENTEEN MINUTES AND FORTY-TWO SECONDS!? THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES IS JUST A FUCKING CYMBAL, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!); "June Bug" is ruined by an out of tune guitar; and "Magic Pig Detective" wastes two-thirds of its length on annoying tuneless noise.

Furthermore, while I'm being Steve Bitchenmoan, (a) "Colossus of Destiny" still isn't a song, (b) MC5's "Rocket Reducer No. 62" is on Houdini, but is not performed here, (c) How many goddamned times are they going to perform "The Star-Spangled Banner"!? The joke wore off the minute the single was pressed, and (d) Am I nuts or did they cram all the weakest Houdini songs together so the album sounds a lot weaker than it actually is?

But don't worry -- Incessant Band has its good points too. Fsirt and foesmrot, the mix is loud, clear and heavy as an anvil made of bricks. Secondly, they've stereo separated the drummers! The drums sound fantastic, and are granted several opportunities for explosive double-eared insanity including, of course, the lengthy coda of "Cow." And finally, there are at least 22 songs on here that are so great they should be given their own flag. (Examples: "Eye Flys," "Charmicarmicat," "Honey Bucket," "Euthanasia," "Your Blessened," "Shevil," at least 14 others).

In conclusion, William Smith gives this box set a 10.

Reader Comments

William Smith
An easy 10 from me. It's SIX Melvins albums live! On a few random notes Stoner Witch live is by no stretch of the imagination bad, but you can tell those songs haven't been in their repertoire for very long.

Houdini Live 2011 > Houdini Live 2005

When Buzz and Jared yelled "YOUR BLESSEND!" I had an eargasm.

Colossus of Destiny sounds surprisingly really damn good here. When I first heard the bootleg I sort of thought they were trying to recreate something that couldn't be recreated but it's completely different and sounds great.

Euthanasia fits in perfectly with the Bullhead material. I kind of wonder why it wasn't included on Bullhead.

Best. Melvins. Lineup. Ever.

Bo Lindfors
I saw Melvins last sunday at Hornstull Strand in Stockholm, Sweden! They opened with The Water Glass and played for almost two hours and it was easily the best concert i've seen since The Cramps at Roskilde Festival in '89. After the show i smoked a cigarette outside the venue and there was Dale Crover! I shook his hand and said "great gig, man" - "thanks" he replied. Then I got drunk and didn't show up for work the next day was fine because my father owns the business. He said he never heard of Melvins. Poor old dad.