Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Foreign Guy tries to survive in Hell

Dear Voodoo:

I'm male, 24, living at home, attending university, and dont have a girlfriend. In fact, I've never been with a woman. I'm not much of a looker, rather on the fat side, I dont have friends since immigrating to North America and English isnt my first language.

I dont know what are, if any, my good qualities. I'm not a self-loathing individual with low self-esteem, but all these things are considered the recipe of a "loser" by society's standards. Do I have any chance to make it out there?

SignedStuck in Hell

Dear Stuck in Hell:

So, you haven't been with a woman. Since the majority of women are skanks who enjoy binge drinking, sex with 'bad boys', and photographing the evidence for their myspace profile, I'd say the fact you haven't been with a woman is something to be proud of. Look at it this way, while everyone else is getting sloppy 50ths with these women, you get to spend your time doing things that don't result in having to go to the free clinic to get a shot of penecillin in the ass.

I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you. You need to do something about your attitude. You have good qualities. Quit bitching to me about not knowing them and go out and find out what they are. If you're tired of being fat, quit whining about it and start the Jared diet or go throw some iron around in the gym. If you think you look like shit, either figure out ways to not look like shit, or accept that you're going to look like shit and cease giving a shit about it. And as far as not having command of the English Language, I wouldn't worry about that. You're no different than the average high school graduate.

There's an old maxim that says "The masses are asses." If the asshole masses deem you to be a loser, fuck them. They're wrong. After all, these are the same people that thought shit like pet rocks were cool, the same people who bought polyester leisure suits, and the same morons that consume everything about Britney Spears. But hey, if you want to be like that, fine with me.

You're a man. You're genetically predisposed to go out and grab the fucking world by the fucking balls, and to squeeze them until it gives you what you want. You're the latest in an evolution that gave the world such badasses like Oshmans-ravaging Gengis Khan, Hannibal, Henry the Fifth, Sun Tzu, Clausewitz, and George Patton. Start acting like it.