It's Monday morning at 5.19, and the Mill is still wondering where you've been. Because every time we try to call, we just get your machine. And now it's almost 6am, and we don't want to try again. Because if you're still not back, heaven knows, what then? Maybe we can distract ourselves with some tittle-tattle (and try to forget the fact that a) the Mill was struggling so badly for a riff this morning that we resorted to simply typing the lyrics of Rialto's 1997 hit Monday Morning 5:19 and b) that we didn't need to look the lyrics up).

Manchester United and Everton are battling it out to sign Bob Schepers, who sounds like he should be presenting a documentary about farming on Radio 4, but is in fact a 17-year-old Dutch winger for SC Cambuur. He played in Holland U17's run to the European Championship final, and is also making a small blipping noise "on Ajax's radar".

Chelsea have £50m to spend this summer and it'll all go on Kaká. Or Fernando Torres. Or SergioAgüero. Or Bastian Schweinsteiger. Or possibly Dani Alves, who has also been linked with Manchester City in the Spanish newspaper Sport.

Liverpool have dipped for the line and pipped Chelsea, Tottenham and Arsenal in the race for Charlton's Jonjo Shelvey. As Rafa Benítez waves to the crowd from the top of the podium, a faceless man in a suit hands him a bunch of flowers and drapes the £3m-rated teenage utility man around the Liverpool manager's neck.

And to complete the contractually obliged big four round-up, Arsenal were rather laughably linked with a move for Pepe Reina over the weekend.

Elsewhere, West Brom will bolster their Premier League survival bid next season by signing two players who failed to keep their teams up in this campaign. Hull's Jimmy Bullard and Burnley's Steven Fletcher are the smart buys.

Steve Coppell wants to turn the 2010-11 Bristol City side into the 2007-08 Reading team. The signings of Dave Kitson, Ivar Ingimarsson and James Harper will be the easy part. Bringing in blue and white hoops might be a little trickier.

Wigan will move for Celtic's Marc Crosas over the summer and will subtly attempt to placate sceptical Latics fans by continually describing him as "a former Barcelona and Lyon midfielder" on the club website.

And Paris St-Germain have a hankering for dynamic but erratic full-backs and will satisfy their hunger by snapping up West Ham's Herita Ilunga and Portsmouth's Nadir Belhadj.