I need to know if there are any helpful books to read regarding infidelity with escorts etc. Not just for me to heal, but one for my wh to read. Any out there?

Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry

saturnpatrick♂ 35989Member # 35989

Posted: 10:45 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014

I can't think of any.

However, the general consensus here is that the AP(s) doesn't really matter - be they hookers, some friend of yours, or dating site folks. They are all the result of a similar set of broken in the WS, and the only thing that changes is what is most readily available to the WS.

I'm not really familiar with your situation, but I think any book that touches on boundaries, selfishness, self-centered-ness, and maybe low self esteem in the WS are good candidates. Basically anything in the affair isle of the book store.

The prostitute thing is. Hard to take - for me anyway - because of the number of them involved, and my disgust with the whole thing about paying for sex with a stranger. It's so hard to reconcile the man I thought I was married to with the man who did what he did. Nineteen months out and it's not getting easier.

Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2013

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 7:52 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

JMO - Surviving infidelity and thriving is different for BSes and WSes.

For BSes, it's mainly getting through the trauma and processing grief over the loss of the relationship, anger, and fear. Usually BSes spend some time focusing on the ap, because that's sort of safe - it's easier to blame the ap than the WS, but getting past this is an important step. The ap really is irrelevant to the BS, unless the ap keeps intruding into the BS's life.

Recovery for the W is figuring out how to stop being a cheater and how to be a good partner. Part of that, I guess, is figuring out why s/he chose her/his particular path for cheating, but that's really only a small part of the healing process.

Your H's cheating dumped you into this awful soup. It doesn't much matter how you got here - the problem is getting out of the soup and into a happy life. Again, this is JMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:53 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 11132 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area

LostSamurai♂ 41347Member # 41347

Posted: 9:42 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

The ap really is irrelevant to the BS, unless the ap keeps intruding into the BS's life.

What if they are a relative? Do you think that still applies.

As for Hookers... yea, they are all the same in regards of information. The reality of it is, the problem is the lies, the secrecy and the energy they put into this affair to make them feel good about them self.

I am the wandering samurai, and I found my freedom...

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland

Gotmegood♀ 41407Member # 41407

Posted: 10:05 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

Disappointed that there seem to be no known books/articles focusing on betrayal with prostitutes. ( personally, 'escort' is a term I refuse to use. An escort to me is an inexpensive Ford. To euphemistically soil that word to suddenly stand for a public semen toilet, not gonna do it ...). I totally know what you're looking for, and I don't think anyone who has not experienced this flavor of betrayal can truly 'get'. I do not blame the scurrying tenement rat whore for hurting me. I blame my husband. It simply presents a different set of questions that, yes, are HIS questions to answer, but eat at the BS's soul too. Just as in all infidelity situations, the victim needs to look, investigate, turn it inside out, question, examine it all again..just to begin to process what has happened to your life. And, I think, because usually prostitution is so very far removed from the BS's life circumstances and knowledge set, it is more foreign, scarier, and more disgusting. The same self-centeredness is present, the broken boundaries are there too, but the additional health risks, the illegality of prostitution, and the complete absence of intimacy and connection to the AP are issues that I would like to have better answers to. I'll keep checking here to see if anything pops up. Thanks for posting this question.

I think this general principle applies: a WS made commitments to the BS and violated them. The ap generally made no commitment to the BS. In a double betrayal, the implied commitment by the friend/relative is usually different from the M commitments, and in any case, the WS could have said 'No.'

Double betrayals are different, but I have no experience with this sort of thing, so I can't say how they're different.

JMO. Other people have different ideas about who commits to what in life, and they'll draw different conclusions, but I'm pretty well convinced that the BS's real issue is with the WS. I don't see how focusing on the ap helps resolve that.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 11132 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area

Gotmegood♀ 41407Member # 41407

Posted: 3:41 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

I too believe that my 'real' issue is with my fWH and not his AP who is a paid sex worker; and focusing on prostitutes in general, or this one in particular, will not resolve anything in my relationship. That being said, along with the devastating realizations that we all share when JFO, that our partner has betrayed us at the most intimate level, I was also swamped with bewilderment at some of the specific issues present in the situation involving paid sex. Wanting to understand it all, is in my opinion, no different than the incessant quizzing we all go through.....is AP richer?, younger?, more fit?, funnier?....Did you do it in our car?, a motel?, at lunchtime?, 7 times?, while I was pregnant? , visiting my brother?, on and on and on. And so, I had additional queries. What part did the illegality play? Were you not aware of the much higher health risks?, Was the hyper-sexuality of the prostitute a factor? The exchange of money? Was the anonymity a big factor? The entire absence of 'connection' emotionally? The aggressiveness of the prostitute vs the passivity of the john accepted by the sex worker, which is normally not present in a sexual relationship?, I can't speak for Raspberry whose thread I am jacking, but I know that I would have liked to have access to any research done/books written dissecting the issues involved in infidelity so consciously chosen with prostitutes. I've asked all of these questions of my fWH. We discuss it often. Doesn't take away the hunger I have for any information available.

Not saying your WH is SA, but the books suggested for SAs might have some advice for those who go beyond the world of an OW and jump into the realm of prostitutes and escorts and the like. Here they are:

It seems to me that some of the info these books discuss (especially if he feels shameful, if it felt impulsive or reckless, if he could use a tutorial on "lustful" vs "loving" thoughts (even toward you), then these could be helpful. Best wishes.