London -- Terrified citizens, bewildered US sex
tourists and thousands of Eastern European asylum seekers soiled their
underwear today as a series of terror attacks rocked the British capital

But fear and embarrassment quickly turned to huge
sighs of relief—if not jingoistic jubilation—when Prime
Minister Tony Blair generously cut short his golfing holiday in Gleneagles
to make a momentous address to the nation. Shielding his ears from the
sound of gunfire as security forces mopped up the last of the bearded
terrorists thought to be responsible for the bomb blasts, but who may
have been Iraqi students fleeing interrogation in Abu Ghraib, Mr Blair
didn't mince his words as he outlined his plans to defeat terrorism.

"Dear debt-ridden, third world scroungers—sorry, wrong speech.
Er, just a minute, I have it here somewhere...Oh yes... Right! Some
of you may have noticed that there were a number of loud bangs in London
today. Contrary to a statement made by the Home Secretary earlier today
that this was due to collisions between Taxi cabs unable to enter the
congestion zone, it is now reasonably clear that there have been several
terrorist
attacks in London. There have been some fatalities, both people
that have died and people that may die waiting to get into an NHS hospital,
either because the irresponsible buggers haven't taken out private medical
insurance, or because the beds are full of selfish pensioners who couldn't
wait a few more years to have their crumbling hips replaced.

Those of you who have read Lord Hutton's unbiased report into the preparation
for our invas—sorry,
liberation of Iraq, will understand that until the security services
have retrospectively sexed up—er, I mean, meticulously investigated—these
terrible events, there is a limit to the information Mr Bush says I
can give you.

It was the will of that very good friend that the G8 summit should
continue in my absence, or, as the President put it to me over a round
of golf this morning: 'No one knows better than my omnipotent self what
it feels like to have some Islamaist greaseball fuck you over. Nuke
the suckers, Tony. Just make sure you don't hit any of my oil wells,
OK?' And that is precisely what I am going to do. Just as it is reasonably
clear that I did not plan and execute this cowardly
terrorist attack on the defenceless civilians of a sovereign nation
which was not at war, it is also reasonably clear that it was designed
to coincide with news that the price of crude oil has reached $65 a
barrel and that my popularity has dipped below 99.97%. Each of the countries
round the G8 coffee table have some experience of the terrible effects
of globalism—ah, I mean—global terrorism and all the leaders,
as they will confirm when Mr Bush's advisors have had a little chat
with them in the basement, will fully support my decision to defeat
the fanatical criminals that seeks to destabilise our economies and
stick two fingers up to the World Bank.

It is important that those engaged in terrorism realise that Britain's
determination to defend American values and the American
way of life is greater than their determination to refuse the gifts
of democracy, freedom and Christian fundamentalism which we have generously
bestowed on their backward, idol-worshipping dictatorships. Consequently,
I have ordered nuclear air strikes against known terrorist cells in
Iraq, Iran, Syria and Pakistan. Whilst it is inevitable that there may
be some slight collateral damage from these initiatives, I know that
the British people will fully support my actions as the only appropriate
response to these cowardly attacks on London. After all, we may well
see as many as fifty deaths and several hundred casualties as a result
of these appalling terrorist outrages. As my good American chum, Congolese
Rice once said, a few thousand dead Iraqi women and children is a small
price to pay for preserving the American way of life we British have
sworn to uphold.

Just as my tough new immigration policies have virtually rid the UK
of illegal aliens, so will Charles Clarke-Blindgit's tamper-proof identity
cards make it almost impossible for terrorists to operate in this country,
sweeping away the last hurdle to winning the war on terror. Finally,
I want to make it quite clear that the action we are taking is in no
way related to events in the United States where a judge has just sent
a New York Times reporter to jail for refusing to divulge the identity
of a source whose disclosures about some CIA agent have apparently embarrassed
my good friend and ally, President
Bush."

The Prime Minister then went on to urge the public to 'carry an umbrella
and don stout, woolen underpants' and be on the alert for suspicious,
dark-skinned characters wearing striped tea towels on their heads purchasing
alarm clocks or fuse wire.

A suspicious-looking bloke with a striped tea towel on his head carrying
an alarm clock and roll of fuse wire told Utterpants
that a previously unknown group have claimed responsibility for the
attacks. Calling themselves the 'Secret Group of Pissed off Oil Sheikhs
in Saudi', the desperate band of merchant bankers, retired Texan oil
barons and commodity speculators from Wall Street, claimed responsibility
for the attack, and warned Britain that it could expect 'more of the
same' if it didn't stop buying cheap, Iraqi crude.

London mayor Ken Livingstone has lashed out at the blasts which have
brought the city to a standstill and look set to slash his congestion
charge revenues by as much as 3,000%. In a defiant message delivered
from atop a Mitsubishi Shogun in London's Leicester Square, Red Ken
bawled: "This callous attack was deliberately aimed at ordinary
middle-class mums and pensioners out shopping for gas masks and shrapnel-proof
underpants."

Mr Livingstone then called on Londoners to make as many unnecessary
journeys as possible to 'rubberneck' the action', as he put it, and
help top up the city's dwindling transport fund. But his advice fell
on deaf ears as terrified mums, too frightened to face the daily
ordeal of the school run, abandoned their 4x4's in droves and cowered
in cellars across the city clutching copies of the Prime Minister's
'Preparing for Emergencies' leaflet.

In a related incident, George W Bush was seriously injured this afternoon
when a caddy dropped a number eight iron on the President's foot, which
has prevented the brave and caring philanthropist from joining a resolute
Mr Blair in London. The President, whose left toe is said has sustained
'appalling damage' in the accident, was immediately airlifted to a secure,
nuclear-strike-proof, underground bunker in Lossymouth, along with his
senior US economic advisors who were attending the G8 summit. When tasked
to explain why leading Democrats were left behind at the Gleneagles
hotel, a shaken Mr Bush is alleged to have snapped: "To teach them
commie-loving, faggot-supportifying, terroristical synthesizers who's
running the world, goddangmit!"

As we went to press it was unclear if the United States would support
the UK's nuclear strikes, but a spokestypeperson for the White House
told Utterpants
that: "Our British allies can rely on the same level of assistance
as we generously provided when that other pissant island in the Atlantic
was attacked by terrorists."

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