November 21, 2006

Chaos Theory (Thanksgiving Edition)

Light posting this week, my friends. Taking some time off for the holiday week. I'm also helping out with some guest posts over at The Zero Boss because my buddy Jay hurt his blogging hand and he gets a little bonkers if his site is not updated 20 times/day.

Anyway, to kick off the holiday week, here's another edition of Chaos Theory...

I "QUIT" SMOKING THE WAY NIXON "QUIT" THE WHITE HOUSE

I'm writing this at 3:00 am because I'm discovering that when you give up smoking, you pretty much give up sleep (not to mention civility and the ability to think in terms beyond the next three minutes.)

As the old saying goes, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times." However, I've actually only tried to quit smoking once before. But I'm determined to succeed this time because I've got to pass my life insurance physical and, being a frugal tightwad, the financial incentive looms large for me.

The physical craving for nicotine is the obvious symptom of quitting smoking. However, more than anything, you can't believe the hate. You hate everything. The fuzz on your sweater. The Starbucks barrista who gives you the incorrect change. The lack of mayonnaise on your sandwich. The babies on the subway. Darn babies, they think they're so damn cute! It's all you can do to ensure that life's little irritations don't make you go completely postal.

And if I eat one more carrot stick, I'm going to start peeing orange. Wish me luck.

MY CORE DEMOGRAPHIC IS NEAR-MENOPAUSAL AND LIKES ASIAN MEN

When I was single, my friends were amazed at my constant inability to recognize when women were hitting on me. Being completely clueless, I always assumed they were just being friendly.

Anyway, I'm fairly certain that, over the past week, two separate women have tried to mack on me. The interesting thing is that both women were in their 50's. One woman was French and a dead ringer for Charlotte Rampling. The other was American and looked a little like Ellen Barkin.

The latter told me that I reminded her of Jin on "Lost." Normally, I'd get offended by this and go into one of my patented "you think we all look alike" rants. However, I let it slide because I realize that older generations are not fully aware of the changing social dynamics unleashed by political correctness. Besides, believe it or not, sometimes I think a lot of white people look the same too. Especially when I see something like this. Shot of doppelganger, anyone?

DOES COOKIE MONSTER HAVE POOR BODY IMAGE?

Is it me or is Cookie Monster bulimic? He gorges himself on cookies in a wild frenzy and then purges himself by throwing up? Is this some sort of subliminal message from the makers of Sesame Street? The Peanut loves Cookie Monster but I think it's important that I find her some healthier role models. Or maybe, as usual, I'm over-analyzing the influence of Sesame Street? Fuck, someone pass me a carrot stick.

FUNNY OR NOT FUNNY LARGELY DEPENDS ON YOUR LATITUDE

I was recently in Arkansas meeting with some executives at Wal-Mart and all of the conference rooms around me were filled with people peddling everything from puffy slippers to bible bags to cell phone covers. As I finished my meeting, I stepped out into the hallway and saw a man holding a tiny infant in each arm. Without censoring myself, I immediately exclaimed, "Holy cow, it's true! Wal-Mart really DOES sell everything! How much are they?"

Needless to say, nobody gets me in Arkansas.

STOP STICKING CRAYONS IN YOUR VAGINA!

To be filed under the category "Words That I Thought Would Never Come Out of My Mouth." The crayons are bath crayons and it seems that almost every time the Peanut is in the tub, she's trying to stick one of them into her vagina. All kids are this curious, right?

5 WAYS IN WHICH I LIVED LIFE DANGEROUSLY THIS WEEK

1. I touched the poles on the subway with my bare hands. No Purell or anything!2. I dropped my toothbrush on the floor but used it anyway. 3. I wore a brown belt with black shoes.4. I took my daughter out for a 3-hour walk and didn't bring a single diaper.5. When I parked my car, I took my seat belt off.

MY 5 NEW FAVORITE TELEVISION CHARACTERS

1. Hellen Mirren as Jane Tennison in "Prime Suspect" 2. Tina Fey as Liz Lemon in "30 Rock" 3. Rashida Jones as Karen on "The Office" (are you on Team Karen or Team Pam?) 4. Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in "30 Rock" (n.b. nonsexual man-crush)5. Yul Kwon as himself on "Survivor" (Rooting for a brother!)

LASTLY, ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE...

As I look around me, I can't help but get the feeling that America seems to be an angry place these days. We're angry that our
streets have never been more dangerous. We're angry that public schools are failing our children. We're angry that our so-called leaders
are more concerned with partisan mudslinging than solving our
country's problems. But more than anything else, we all seem to be angry with one another.

Look, I get it. We're a PMS nation built on anger. Heck, the very foundations of this country were built with anger. "What, you're going to tax us without fair representation? You're going to tell us whom to worship? You're going to treat us like 2nd-class citizens? Fuck that, you limey bastards! We're starting our own country!"

However, we seem to have reached a point where the appropriate response to life's irritations is sheer anger and rage. Every minor tangle is a
potential interpersonal Gulf of Tonkin incident. Funny looks on the subway result in gunshots. Incidents on the highway result in road rage. Innocuous slights by strangers end up in wrathful revenge.

Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone feels anger. I don't ever want to NOT FEEL anger.
But, as Dennis Miller once said, the collective mistake we're making is this: Anger used to be a bass line that we used to merely provide a funky bottom to our cultural
zeitgeist.

Anger has now broken out into a shrieking Nugent guitar solo that's drawing a rivulet of blood from all our ears.

So maybe during this holiday week when we get together with all of our weird relatives and stuff our faces, we can turn down the dial on some of that hate and take some time to remember how lucky all of us truly are. In the grand scheme of things, even the most disgruntled among us is living better than 99% of our fellow inhabitants on the planet.

For better or worse, may we give thanks to all that we do have in our lives. May we remember to help those around us in need. And may we remember that health, love and friendship should never be taken for granted.

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Funny how we/they all look the same, deüending on your perspective. During a week in Hong Kong once, all the caucasians started blending into one perspiring, slightly obese, ugly-looking, red-haired mass. But maybe that was because all the ex-pat financial types tend to dress the same. I tried to hold in my tum and look different.

You rule, MetroDad. And I say that in a totally heterosexual man-crush way. Very funny post. And you're totally right about the anger in this country -- I blame it all on the Republicans.

Re quitting smoking, you should do what Earl (My Name is Earl) did: kidnap a friend's smoker mom and quit together. Seriously? I recommend taking up running to help quit smoking for good. You'll soon be craving endorphins instead of nicotine.

Re The Office, I thought I was Team Pam, but definitely Team Karen now. Love her smile.

I quit smoking three times before it stuck. Cold turkey and tough on everyone within earshot. Best thing I ever quit though, need to be around for the little ones. Stay focused and the pain you are feeling. It proves just how vile the filthy things are, having that kind of effect on your head, dirty cigarettes.

This reminds me of Bowling for Columbine (yeah yeah, I know there were inaccuracies but the message was the same). Is it that we're really truly angry, or is it that our perspective has changed? I mean, it's not like there's anything new happening, it just seems as though it's reported more and we're more aware. There's no such thing as the good old days. Doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do anything about it, it just means that our parents lives were just as shitty or worse and so perhaps we can let go of some of the guilt.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to you, the Bosslady, and the Peanut. May your chicken wings be crispy on the outside and moist on the inside because we all know you haven't fully discovered the true greatness that a turkey can be.

As usual, an entertaining post. The Walmart snippet? Gold, pure gold. Arkansas doesn't get a lot more than just your humor.

As for smoking and insurance, just about every company will allow you to request removal of the smoking classification if you remain smoke-free for one year. In other words, just pay more and use the excess premium as an incentive to kick the habit. Otherwise, you might be pushing it off for, well, ever.

My favorite TV character right now is Hiro from Heroes. I just adore him. Heroes is my favorite show too.

I'll go with yes on the Peanut being normal. Yes.

I hope you have a great Thanksgivng. I sure hope you're not visiting family. Not the best week to quit smoking if you are. Anyway, good luck on that. Twizzlers is my best guess. Way better than carrots. Plus, a nice fat free food. ;)

Uh, brown belt, black shoes, and you call yourself MetroDad???
Who needs Arkansas? But I could use a couple of kids, but maybe not from WalMart or Arkansas.
Go Team Karen!
Anger rant - I agree, but could it be the addiction talking?
I am thankful for your blog.

Cookie Monster, if not bulimic, has some sort of addiction problem. He looks at a cookie, resolves not to eat it, then can't stand it and breaks down to inhale the cookie. Not only that, he has terrible table manners. Our two year old actually imitates Cookie's method of shoving food into his mouth and making strange eating noises. We have to talk to him about how Cookie Monster is not very polite. Thanks a alot, Sesame Street.

MetroDad, those women were totally hitting on you, because Jin on Lost is HOT! Take it as a compliment. If they said, "you remind me of my gardner, Mr. Yoshimoto; he does lovely things with the azaleas" then be pissed, and I'll be pissed for you.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! You are so right--we have so much to be thankful for.

MD, congrats on quitting smoking, it is so freakin hard and yes i feel your anger/withdrawl. i used to chew mcdonalds straws (exact same diameter as parliaments) like, the first month or two to help break the oral fix. we smoked for about ten years (yikes!) and it sucked to quit but i didn't want my kid(s) to ever have to lose me over something that i could have prevented. you know you're close to being over it when you're in duane reade and someone walks by you reaking of smoke and you're all like"eww".
and cookie monster remains my fave muppet b/c everyday that dude cracks my shit up and helps me vent emotion that otherwise would probably come out as rage. he's awesome.
happy thanksgiving, hope you and your family have a great one.

ps we call our kid pnut too (she's tiny), which is why i didn't want anyone to get confused that i was trying to impersonate bosslady. sorry. also i believe the proper spelling is reek, not reak. jeez.

Hahaha hey twin wassup. I started smoking in 10th grade...quit cold turkey 12 years later. I've always described the quitting smoking experience as a hunger strike that never ends and you don't get the sweet relief of dying. Oh and my chicks-hitting-on-me detector has always been painfully retarded I usually had to just go with the naked rule. If they're naked then they like you. Maybe. Oh and once you master quitting smoking you get to smoke every now and then...that's like level 11.

This is a great post, MD. I love it when you do these. Nice way to wrap it all up. Couldn't agree with your sentiments more. I've always thought that people are too angry blaming other people when things get bad but never stop to realize how lucky they truly are. Have a very happy Thanksgiving with your family.

You're gonna love this. The urge to smoke never goes away. It comes back every once in a while to remind you that you're human. I quit in 1995 and at least once a month (sometimes more) I'll get a wave, a rush, a burning desire to jog down to the 7-11 to buy a pack of smokes and inhale an entire cigarette in one long puff until I pass out from lack of oxygen.

Totally sucks, man.

Try cigars. I did that for about a month. Then I got tired of those and was done.

And it was for insurance purposes, too. I signed the non-smoking waiver on a new job and never looked back...

MD,
Thanks for reminding us just how fortunate we are. Less anger would make the world a much better place. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Happy belated birthday, too! Men don't get older, they become more distinguished. :)

I really appreciate your thanksgiving advice. I am generally sick of the complaining AND the anger. PMS culture also extends to the cope-ology of the current day. I mean everyone is oriented to 'how do we cope?'... and 'are you coping.' Maybe some movement to count blessings, and not deficeits (sp?), extend beyond today.

Happy thanksgiving to all.

ps... Yeah Miss Fancy is all fascinated with her J-eye-nah and it is bit easier for Mom to smile through it all and say ok that's fine. P-man looks at me with the fear-filled look of a poodle a shearing time. Not fun.

This is my first time posting--just had to tell you that all 3 of my girls have done the bath crayon in the vagina thing. I, too, have a running list of things I never thought would come out of my mouth. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!

Not to gloat but I'm so glad I never got addicted to smoking. When I was 17 and just started I asked a friend how long it took him to become addicted and he said two months. That's when I stopped. I thought it took a long, long time and figured I had time to quit. Good luck! My ex quit cold turkey. I'm not being helpful, am I? I laughed out loud at the "crayon in the vagina" remark! And I agree, we in America take for granted how well we really do have it in life. Thanks for your wonderful post! You are always so insightful! Hope you and your family had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

MD, never say "quit." "Decided to stop" has a much better ring to it. Think about -- (ha! says she, the once and again smoker) what you're going to gain vs. what you're giving up. When I did stop smoking, I had weaned myself down to 5 cigarettes a day, and I enjoyed every one of those. What helped me stop was a nicotine inhaler -- closest imitation to a cigarette as you can get in terms of inhaling and pretending to hold a cigarette in your fingers. What made me start again, was, well, two years on, I still liked the smell of cigarettes -- you don't find it much in the U.S., but leave this country, and ashtrays still abound. Then there was the anger bit....I would say I was thinking about stopping again since the Democrats saved us from two more years of utter hell under W., but then again, you and I *know* too many of those Democrats not to be more than a tad cynical.