Sunday, October 3, 2010

Afraid

There is no mistaking the smell of blood. It's one of those things that instantly strikes fear into you as soon as you are aware of it's presence. One morning, not unlike most mornings in the Leitz home, I went into get Claire up for the day. She likes to sleep in. The smell of blood was panic running through my body the moment I opened the door. Her diaper was FULL of blood. I'm talking heavy and overflowing. We rushed her to the hospital emergency room. There were X-Rays and Scopes and blood work and urine samples... but they could not find out what was wrong with her. We went home after three days still in shock and wondering when it would happen again. It did and back to the hospital we ran. More tests but no answer and we were sent home. Then her face started to swell. Lips, nose and eyes puffed up like a pink balloon. More blood work, samples, scans and allergy testing of every kind. Still no one could find the reason. I left the hospital in tears wishing we could just know what to was causing my tiny three year old so much pain.

Long story shortened, we spent last summer in and out of the hospital and over to Seattle but never found the cause of her pain, swelling or bleeding. A doctor gave her an irritable bowel syndrome diagnosis and another doctor's "words of wisdom" were "well, I always say, anything can happen with Down Syndrome." Wow, this did not make me feel any better. Fortunately her symptoms have died down although some times she still gets a little puffy.

All that to say it is easy to let fear rule my life. Talk to just about any parent of a child with Down Syndrome and they will tell you their reasons.

Will she be accepted by her piers?
Will I get an IEP that allows him an environment to thrive in?
Will his heart condition worsen?
Will the insurance money be there when we need it?
What will happen to her when I am gone?

And on and on, there are so many reasons the be anxious for what the future has in store. I have let fear rule my life and made some pretty poor decisions under its influence. I hate to admit that I am afraid.

I think our proudest moments in life are when we let fear take the back seat and look clearly into the face of decisions. I believe God has a plan and that plan is to draw me close to him. He wants to change me which so often feels like braking me but with a craftsman's hands he will put me bake together again. So I remind myself, do not be afraid.