Ask The Reverend

Ladies and gentlemen, Ask The Reverend begins. God help us all:

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Q. Dear Reverend Chad, I have a friend who brags about his penis size on the internet. Like a lot. Is this normal? I think he’s insecure and overcompensating. How do I approach him about it without coming off sounding like a total dick?

A. Well my young Paduan, like Romulus said to Remus before the Persians conquered Constantinople. “Who are you to accuse me you prick?” I really seriously would not be concerned myself if someone did that. But if he really wants to prove his size, ask him for a naked baby picture if he had a big head he had big penis. The proportionality of penis size to brain size in something like AMin=Mout. This was figured after the almost disastrous birth of myself. The nurse thought I was a breach baby and they had to turn me around but the doctor looked closer and said it was my boner and not a leg. Thank you for your question CBN.

Q. paraphrased… You got two chicks to bang in a tavern of some sort.Sure thing pretty fatty or girl giving me the Mayan Eye of Coitus hotty. Do I take the bird in the hand or or try for the one with a two hole chance with no bush, chance of nothing too.

A. Well Ive always said you talk to the hot girl briefly, tell her your married, and if shes not in the mood for my porch beef, I would walk away as proudly as I had walked to her and bang the fatty in an abusive and disrespectful manner. ………… I had you fooled, man. If your single you do what I would do and bang the fatty if the soft touch on the hot was unsuccessful. If your married you can only go with the hot chick cause she would have accepted my answer in prose. You cant be married and f@#K a psycho stalker fat chick cause shell hunt you down Glenn Close style. That movie killed the whore industry for a decade. Screw off Glenn Close you cow. Man my wife better not find out about the hookers. Thanks for el questiano Mang. You ever get a problem with these things èèèèèèèèèéééé. We must be past the front page so Imma start swearing a litlle. Me and my ÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈÈ. f@#K.

Q. paraphrased…….How do you get it all done and live such a cool life?

A: You hide a bunch of cash from the businesses you owned, but you pay most of your taxes but do some seriously questionable accounting things. You repent and send your wife to school and work. Ive only been at home for two years. I have significant holdings in the Dutch ( no repect) Antilles. So we move to our hometown and everythings cheaper. Her biz took off fast nut mine didnt. And its none of your freakin business anyway to make me betray my distrust in the universal banking system. And my wife is a wonderful peach who could never find out about chicks and shit. Gullible she is and I am very discreet. Like a spy sneaky. Move over Dan Morrison and James Bund Shes cool with the drugs and we plant Lennys outdoor clones in the forest behind the plantation du Kroeger. Rev Chad will be back to work soon, mid-life glory days over. But I did enjoy the doobs, drinking, hookers, and booze the last few years and will continue with the debauchery learned behavior patterns from my teens.

If this is any indication of HCWD 2013, this blog will be kaput in no time.

12:16 pm January, 7DoucheyWallnuts said...

A wide array of questions answered (?) in a manner befitting a Rev.

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Dear Rev

What is the appropriate etiquette when depositing a jib shot on a dame’s face? Do you say, “Pardon me,” afterward? And by afterward I mean when you don’t kiss her and point and laugh?

12:20 pm January, 7douchenozzle said...

First, I’d like to say that pic with Mongor just set back race relations to antebellum times. Second,I think the Rev. should be promoted to at least cardinal because what he wrote was truly holy. Preach on Cardinal.. I mean Rev.

How long does it take for vicodin, Kodiak , cigars, Crown Royal, testosterone supplements and nitrous oxide take to clear out of the system for the best non-nicotine, no drug use health insurance rates?

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I can do without the drinking but the vicodin and Kodiak are , shall we say, habitual….

@ Vin Douchal. I think the Rev. is convolessing from his massive stroke. I can better answer this being a Dr. Though there is no literature on this matter, you diet of narcotics, alchool, and male enhancement suppliments is very nutritional mainly due to the antioxident effect of Kodiak. I suggest taking more pills and foregoing the health insurance since you wont be needing coverage.

It’s just a hunch, but I don’t think Dr. buzzkill Summers is a real doctor.

1:41 pm January, 7Dr. Eve Summers said...

@Charles Douchewin. I am Dr. Eve Summers pHd in Hotel Manegment from the School of Hard Knocks an online institution of higher education. Though no medical board has certified me, this only means that my diagnosis do not have to be limited by ordinary medicine. Well I say if Vin Douchell wants to take Kodiak which I assume is the dried testicals of Kodiak Bears, then I say he does not need health insurance, unless that Kodiak bear gets a hold off him looking for his balls back. But even then he will mostly likely die and health insurance will be useless.

I always keep a tissue handy and after maybe five minutes and a glass of Metamucil later I give her a kiss and blow the scene baby.

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@Douche Nozzle

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Their is no position more esteemed in the Kroeger Temple of Female Worship than Reverend, but I thank you for your nomination and my secretary will be contacting the Holy See of the Vatican cause who the fuck wouldn’t want to be a fucking Cardinal?

1:54 pm January, 7Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Dr. Eve Summers almost make me look back wistfully at the ramblings of Nancy Dreuche.

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Almost.

2:00 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I ejaculate tractors.

2:00 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I literally have a landing strip on my groin so it can take off into erection.

2:00 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it has wheels on it.

2:01 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I have to use a chair to piss.

2:07 pm January, 7hermit said...

Love that DB1 threw the Rev a bone with the mulatto pic.

Btw my smartphone auto-corrects mulatto as “emulator.”

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“God help us all” indeed.

2:12 pm January, 7douchenozzle said...

Dark socks dick is so small his wife ejaculates tears. His dick is so small Mongor would change the look on his face if he saw it.

I just looked at the rejection form from my last application and as long as you purify for two weeks they may not detect anything. Unless they take a fucking hair sample but I think that may be against your 57th amendment rights. For the liver function test I would suggest a month on milk thistle and dandelion root, one tin of sardines in hot sauce, V-8 juice in copious amounts, and a good regimin of B-12 per day. The killer is if you have had drinking and driving or health issues which have resulted in licence suspension. Active psychiatric supervision is a no-no as well. Thanks for your question Vin and if you need any more hints call Kroeger Penis Sheaths for some sneaky solutions. http://kroeger.org

People outside of Toronto don’t give a sweet fuck. I’m glad I’m back in shitown. We only pay attention to politics cause nwe can’t get news without Toronto shit every night. Masked black men kill couple in Rexdale every night is sad news. We do cheer on Rob Ford when all you liberals (assumption) get on his case cause he’s fat and doesn’t hang around Yorkville, and he’s not kissing minority (gay and gangster Caribana) ass all the time.

Fuck you McGuinty if I ever got a chance to cut your fucking head off I would do it slowly. Son.

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Thank you Bag M. You problably know i lived there in the burbs for a while, shit on the Don Mills bridge and blew the fuck outta there. Thanks for the question.

3:54 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I surf on it

3:54 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big I live inside it

3:55 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it’s used for fracking.

3:56 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it pays taxes.

3:57 pm January, 7DarkSock said...

My dick’s so big it takes Honey Boo Boo’s mother on a forklift to jack it off.

Oh, I didn’t actually know that you have some Toronto living under your belt. Any gripe you have is completely valid now.

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I wouldn’t call myself a liberal, but if you’re conservative, than yeah, that’s probably what you’d call me. But no I’m about that sweet sweet Direct Democracy, and I vote for the Online Party, which is so new and obscurely fringe, it makes the Family Party look like the goddamn Reform.

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Personally though I didn’t think Rob Ford was that bad of a Mayor, but he was a fucking liability, and we all knew that when we voted for him. People puss and pout about how he got fired on a useless technicality, but whatever. They just need to find someone who isn’t a liability, and try again.

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Fuck McGuinty. That guy has been living on painkiller abuse, in a hole in the wall, for the past 12 years. He peaks his head out once a year to remind us he has a job, gets scared by the shadow of his eyebrows, runs back in the hole, and we get 6 extra weeks of winter. We call that day Family Day.

5:52 pm January, 7douchenozzle said...

Dark Sock’s dick is so small even the Rev. wouldn’t be impressed with it and the Reverand was even impressed with Mongor’s nub.

The Rev’s wisdom is a beautiful thing, kind of like a plate of fine sushi that you don’t know is covered covered with salmonella because salmonella is invisible just like god and therefore probably made up. I only wish I had studied Canadian so that I could understand more.

6:46 pm January, 7Jeff said...

Since the lobotomy the Rev hasn’t made any sense–maybe they should put a gyroscope in his monkeyhole.