Hawkish Democrat Calls For Troop Pullout From Daughter

Registered Democrat Ben Danson, Iraq war critic and father of Jenna Danson, 18, today called for the immediate withdraw of U.S. troop Private Reginald Carmel from his daughter as questions about the continued direction of the Iraq policy continue to "swirl around the drain of America like so many pieces of shit often have", as anal-ysts have said.

The call for the pull out of the soldier, who has at various times been criticized for failure to admit fault, listen to reason or demonstrate willingness to change positions, signals a growing sense of unease amongst the Danson family over letting their daughter and Carmel go out together to pick up mustard from the store, or watch TV in the guest bedroom with all the doors locked.

"The immediate withdraw of all U.S. soldiers from my daughter's vagina, and Reginald in particular, is necessary unless he wants me to personally make him eligible for the Purple Heart," said the senior Danson, who is not really a hawk. "I will put him out of commission long before he even gets to the front if he doesn't vacate Jenna's glory hole instantly."

Though Danson once supported the courtship of Private Carmel and his daughter, his position changed drastically when he walked in on them copulating on the eve of Carmel's deployment to Iraq. Critics are responding by insisting that, in his harsh reaction, Danson is overstepping his bounds and totally cock blocking this nation's armed forces.

"His comments are premature, which Jenna will tell you is never a problem of mine," said the private, who is one of seven U.S. soldiers who have been able to briefly return home from their tours of duty, continuing to keep his member in the irate Democrat's daughter as they copulated under the protests of Danson himself from the House of Representatives' house. "The thing to do is stay in there until the job is done and all parties are satisfied, but Mr. Danson wants us to wave the white flag when I can think of a million other white things I ought to be waving instead."

Carmel contends that his phallus entered into Danson's daughter under the best intentions -- to free her from the tyrannical shackles of virginity. Now that he has committed to the task, he says, it would be irresponsible of him to pull out.

"Sure, this may result in the loss of more of my own soldiers, as they are burned and destroyed by Jenna's vaginal secretions, but this is the time to stay the course," he said firmly. "Even if a pregnancy results from this, I'll at least be satisfied in knowing that I kept my troops committed to the job."

Danson says he could not disagree more.

"It's time to cut the losses here -- in this case, my daughter's virginity -- and send the boy home," he said in disgust. "I'm sure there's a couch crevice or warm baked potato or something at his house that could use his liberation."

While not ready to throw its support to either course of action, the Senate did vote to encourage President Bush to provide quarterly reports on the progress of Carmel's actions, such as orgasms caused, and a plan for what exactly he plans to do to help finish the mission.

"All along, we've always provided progress reports," the President countered at a recent press conference. "Remember those pictures of Jenna and Reggie we posted up at the White House website? That was hot."

"I guess what they say is true," he added with a grin. "War is sexy!"

Sex aside, Carmel says his intentions are good, and that ultimately, "something special" will come out of the occupation.

"Someday, maybe we'll even be married!" he said, a far-off look in his eye, "and we could move on to some more sensual stuff, like rubbing each other with oil."