Monday, 18 September 2017

Why I've been quiet

Depression, it can be brewing in the background for weeks or it can just slap you in the face when you least expect it. This time it came out of no where and boy has it hit me hard. The unbelievable sadness that cannot be explained and that also cannot just be fixed so easily as I wish it could. Feeling so hopeless and clinging on to this ride that is life. Rock bottom. The past few weeks have been truly horrendous for not just me but the people closest to me too. There is no feeling like not being able to help someone or knowing how to for that matter. Life can be hard, really, really hard and it feels like things will never get better. It's the classic case of people looking at me and not knowing the suffering that is happening and how I am praying that I will catch a break and things won't be so damn right hard. It has been one things after another for over a year now and there comes a point where I have to put my hands up and say I'm not coping, it's OK not to be OK. I want to thank those people who have been there for me recently, the people who I can be 100% honest with. The people that know the whole story as to why things feel so down right awful right now. You know who you are and you continue to be my guiding light in all of this.When your in the depths of depression it's so hard to be able to see past it, to feel like things will get better. One look at my children and it's all taken away, maybe for a brief second or maybe for longer. I have said it a million times and I'll say it can they have no idea how much they keep me going. The moments where I lose myself belting out the Moana soundtrack, where I'm judging scooter races or where they are just in my arms and it feels like all is right with the world. Yes they can be hard work but life would be pretty boring if being a Mum was easy.

I will continue to write about anxiety and I will continue to write about depression. I needed the past two weeks off from my blog to be present in my life and to be there for the people who needed me the most. Writing helps, it releases so much of how I am feeling so I feel like I can breath again.

Right now Coldplay's fix you is playing as I'm writing this, seems like fate to me. I need to look after myself and get back to me again, I have done it before and I'll do it again.