Raising Yehuda

Becoming parents of a baby with Down's syndrome has forced us to reconsider our views on parenting and what it means to lead a meaningful life.

Although the Almighty gives us all just what we need, sometimes it takes a good deal of soul searching to recognize His blessings. Six weeks after my wife gave birth to our son, who has Down syndrome, I am beginning to appreciate that we are the recipients of a precious gift.

This realization did not come right away. In fact, the first time I stood staring at our newborn son, as he lay in the neonatal unit surrounded by machines awaiting surgery to repair an intestinal blockage, the overwhelming feeling I had was disbelief.

This was not who we were hoping would be our fourth child; this was not the son who would grow up to be a Torah scholar. Instead, I suddenly became the father of a retarded boy who was going to be dependent on me for the rest of my life. It felt like God must have made some kind of mistake.

I woke up the next morning hoping everything was just some kind of terrible dream. "This can't really be happening…"

But it was.

"I may be mistaken, but I believe your son has Down's," Dr. Gur explained to me shortly after the birth of the baby. I sat across from the doctor, looking right at him as he spoke to me, but I might as well have been a thousand miles away. "He has some of the classic signs - slanted eyes and duodenal atresia, an intestinal malformation that 30% of the time means Down's. But we cannot be sure until we get the results back from the chromosome test, which will take at least a week."

"But all of our children were born with Oriental eyes… it's a strong familial trait," I countered. "And he is missing some of the telltale signs."

"I hope I'm wrong. We'll have to wait for the test results to know for certain."

Late that night, I spoke to my rabbi, Rabbi Noah Weinberg, for much-needed counsel. "Think about how you and Dina would change if you were to have a child with Down's," he advised me. "What is the growth the Almighty would want from you? You have a week before you get the results; make those changes now."

We clung to the slight chance that the baby was in fact just fine. Although Jews do not rely on outright miracles, we can pray for "hidden miracles" - events that do not require a complete turning over of the laws of nature.

It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, there was nothing else on my mind but crying out to God.

During those seven days, I experienced an intensity in prayer that I never had before. For the first time I truly understood what the Psalmist describes when he says, "I am my prayer to You" (Psalms 69:14). Genuine prayer occurs when one's entire being, heart and soul, cries out to God with such an aching, ever-present need that the person himself becomes an expression of prayer. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, there was nothing else on my mind but crying out to God.

And it was a total solitary experience; no one knew what my wife and I were going through. In order to keep the hoped-for miracle hidden from view, we decided to keep the possibility of Down's to ourselves until we got the final results. Our friends attributed all of our stress to the baby's surgery and recovery in the hospital, which to us was just a minor detail in the big scheme of things.

"MY SON, THE DOCTOR"

On the second morning, I awoke, startled by a dream. I dreamt that I was being chased by a menacing figure. I was running as fast as I could through winding mountainous paths, desperately trying to get away, but the threatening presence was always one or two steps right behind, about to pounce. Since I couldn't outrun it, I realized that the only way to save myself was to turn around and confront it, head on.

I stopped suddenly, turned on my heels, and came face-to-face with the ominous creature. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said as he reached out his hand. "I'm here to teach you…"

I'm not the type who places much significance in dreams, but this dream's message hit me loud and clear: "Don't run away from the baby; embrace him. The Almighty has sent him for your good."

That morning, as my shock began to fade, my attitudes began to undergo further changes. I was standing over our baby, who had just been transferred to another hospital for his surgery. It was the first time I was able to look at him without all the machinery surrounding him. He was sleeping peacefully and as I stroked his head, I was overcome with a wave of sympathy for my sweet and utterly defenseless son. Suddenly I was stung by the realization of how self-absorbed I'd been. What do my disappointment and unmet expectations matter, I realized. This baby desperately needs me. Get with the program!

When I changed my focus away from me and towards giving to my baby son, I forgot all about the possibility of Down's. By doing whatever I could to help him, I began to feel buoyed by the natural love a parent has for his child.

We spent that week in the hospital while our son recuperated. ("Your son is a real fighter," the surgeon told me. "We've never seen a baby recover so quickly from this type of surgery.") All that time sitting next to the crib of my sleeping infant gave me opportunity to reconsider a lot of things: my views on parenting, what kind of meaningful life a person can lead if he has cognitive limitations, and the changes I would need to make in order to properly raise a child with Down's.

I was suffering from a religious version of "my-son-the-doctor" syndrome.

I realized that a primary aspect of my parenting is the honor I receive from my children's success and accomplishments. I was suffering from a religious version of "my-son-the-doctor" syndrome. Instead of the pride and respect I would accrue from being the father of children who went on to become successful, wealthy professionals, I was banking on their success in being the best in Torah learning and Jewish leadership. In both cases, an underlying drive is how children will go on to fulfill the dreams of the parents and boost their status. My respect for my children was linked, to some extent, to their accomplishments.

Every parent knows this attitude is wrong, but it's extremely difficult to uproot. It's not easy to love our children unconditionally, our focus solely on helping them bring their unique potentials to fruition. What happens when their potential is so much less or so very different than we had hoped?

Our child is not here to fulfill our needs and expectations. The Almighty gave him to us as an entrustment, charging me and my wife with the holy task of helping him achieve his special mission in life. That is my job as a parent, whether the child is born a genius or impaired with Down's.

WHOSE LIMITATIONS?

But what kind of purpose in life can our son have if he is mentally impaired? This question forced me to confront another fallacious value that my wife and I shared - along with most of Western society. We put far too much value on intelligence. We tend to place greater importance on being smart than being good. My son may not excel in learning and academics, but he can excel in becoming a tzaddik, a righteous Jew who sincerely cares about others and strives to fulfill the Torah's commandments to the best of his ability. And that, after all, is the true measure of a person.

Don't get me wrong. We would still expect a lot from our son. We decided right from the start that the best approach to dealing with any inborn disabilities is to expect the most until proven otherwise. But our nachas isn't going to come from our son doing better than others; it will come from his striving to attain personal milestones as he works hard to fulfill his unique potential.

The day before our son was discharged from the hospital, the geneticist confirmed the diagnosis of Down's syndrome. I was taken aback by the results. After a week of incredibly intensive praying that our son would not have the chromosome disorder, and trying to work on making the changes I thought the Almighty wanted from me, I was really expecting that everything would be just fine.

I had to make a major mental readjustment. Looking at the big picture, I realized that God had given my wife and me a daunting task, and if we were to rise to the challenge of raising our special son, we - and our extended families - would be better for it. Perhaps for the first time that week, I not only intellectually thought that God knew what was truly best for us, but I finally felt it in my bones too. Everything, in fact, would be just fine.

Rabbi Moshe Shapiro, a leading Torah scholar in Jerusalem, wrote the following in a letter to a student who became the father of a son with Down's:

Since the birth of your son, Nota Shlomo, I have believed that if, with God's help, you will succeed in the challenge which was given to you, then you will have been presented with an incomparable gift.

This child has within him the capability to accomplish that which nothing else in the world can do - to actualize wondrous and powerful energy latent in the recesses of your heart.

The Almighty also knows what is best for our son. The fact that he was born with limited cognitive abilities indicates that he possesses a lofty soul that is in need of less rectification in this world.

Rabbi Shapiro wrote in the same letter:

Each neshama [soul] is sent to this world with the purpose of rectifying something specific to it. Most people are sent to improve themselves primarily, and also to affect their surroundings according to their abilities. There are some neshamos, however, which are sent as people incapable of adequately rectifying themselves. In defining their existence, then, we must understand that these are especially exalted neshamos which in and of themselves need no correction. Their entire purpose in being sent to this world is to correct and better their surroundings.

A neshama of this grand stature has been sent into your home. Accept it with much love, and assist it to perform the function for which it was sent.

May God help you to carry out your role - to enable this neshama to suitably fulfill its role.

YEHUDA MEIR

We named our son Yehuda Meir, which can be translated literally as "a shining source of gratitude."

One of the clear lessons his life has already taught us is to appreciate every tiny step that we usually take for granted. When Yehuda Meir, at six weeks, turned his head and rolled over (the physical therapists didn't believe us at first!), it became a spontaneous household celebration. Every small milestone in his life - from smiling to sitting up to walking and talking - will be viewed as a massive accomplishment and a gift from the Almighty. We can't take anything for granted, including our son's general good health (50% of children with Down syndrome have congenital heart defects). And we're trying to direct this heightened appreciation to our other children as well.

The name "Yehuda" also contains the Hebrew word "hod," which means majestic beauty and splendor. Hod is a special form of beauty that occurs when the internal spiritual value far exceeds the external package, and breaks through, bursting at the seams and overwhelming the physical.

For example, when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, rays of light -- in Hebrew "karnei hod" -- exuded from his face and no one could look at his awe-inspiring presence. This burst of light represented Moses' inner spiritual dimension that could not be contained by his physical exterior. His inner spirituality broke through and surpassed his physical limitations, revealing a spiritual essence far greater than his small, earthly self could contain.

Each and every one of us is given a set of certain strengths and limitations that create our special tafkid, mission in life. Our work in this world is to strive to reach beyond our limitations and make our life a glowing source of hod, of majestic beauty -- which is the meaning of the name "Yehuda Meir."

Yehuda Meir, no less than any Jew, can become a radiant source of Godliness in the world.

This applies equally to little Yehuda Meir, whose limitations are more pronounced. While he may not attain quantitatively an equal share of Torah and leadership skills as some great rabbis, he can strive to attain an equal share qualitatively - not despite his inherent limitations, but by specifically using them as a springboard to let his special inner beauty burst forth. Yehuda Meir, no less than any Jew, can become a radiant source of Godliness in the world.

My wife and I still catch ourselves tripping over the misplaced value of intelligence over goodness, thinking to ourselves how our son will be one of the smartest, most accomplished children with Down syndrome. We realize we have a lot of growth and challenge - and most of all, joy! -- ahead. In the meantime, we are taking great pleasure (along with our other kids) in getting to know our adorable son.

All of our heartfelt prayers during the first week of Yehuda Meir's life did not go to waste. It is our fervent hope that God will direct those prayers to his continued growth and development, both physical and spiritual, helping him to become a source of tremendous blessing. And may the Almighty give us the clarity, patience, and wisdom to carry out our noble task in raising this precious Jewish neshama.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 90

(87)
Anonymous,
June 11, 2012 1:29 PM

downs child

Sally H. should be blessed for the wonderful example she is, as is Rabbi Copersmith.

(86)
sandrine,
June 3, 2012 4:41 PM

my child

children are the most beautiful present in life. And,as parents,our duty is to give them protection: this is a duty.

(85)
Chana,
January 22, 2011 11:39 PM

Beautiful article!

Very well-written. As a mother of a child with special needs, I greatly enjoyed reading this. It is hard for me, now, seven years "into" raising my very special (on many accounts!) son, to remember how I had felt at the beginning - and why in the world I believed my son was any "less" for it. He is our pride and joy and brings us as much nachas as - if not more than - any other 'typical' child.
As a new father to a child with special needs, you may want to know about a Jewish organization of parents of children with special needs - www.beineinu.org.
Much hatzlacha, and yes - much nachas too - in raising this beautiful neshama!!

(84)
Haggerty,
January 5, 2011 6:35 PM

special souls

Some dear friends of mine were overjoyed when they found out they were pregnant. Then they found out their baby was going to have Downs Syndrome. Many counseled them that the kindest thing would be to abort the baby. But they knew in their hearts that life was precious, and there are no accidents.
To say that their life did not become difficult with a special needs child would be misrepresenting the situation. But what did happen is that they became a family of incredible compassion. Each of their other children showed an outpouring of their hearts that reached many other families.
These Downs Syndrome children transform an ordinary life into an extraordinary life, for they cause us to reach within a part of ourselves that cannot be accessed without their unique and special souls.

(83)
Betty Washington,
January 5, 2011 6:34 PM

God's love

I am privileged to have the role of Special Education teacher to such children at Palm Springs High School. I have yet to meet a family that regrets "keeping" a Downs baby. This child will challenge you to love beyond imagination! Often, I have counseled parents regarding educational choices for Downs children. But I have never had to encourage them to love that child.
I am not a Torah scholar, but I see a parallel between the love God showed Israel in their rebellion, and the love of such parents for their children. It is truly unconditional love! From this child, we can learn the true depths of God’s love for us.

(82)
Sally H,
January 5, 2011 6:32 PM

my special child

Seven months ago, I received a phone call that there was a 2-month-old Downs baby in a hospital, abandoned by his parents. We took him home. He's had his share of problems -- VSD, hole in his heart, digestive problems. With love and care he is now off medication, his stomach has settled down and he's eating vegetables, goats' milk, rice and oatmeal cereal.
He laughs, coos, and is an absolute joy. He's little slower than our other children, and smaller in size. But we wouldn't give him up for anything. There is something so pure and real about him it's hard to describe.

(81)
Shayna,
January 2, 2011 6:16 AM

That was beautiful and truly inspiring.

(80)
Leah,
January 10, 2010 3:40 AM

Mazol Tov to you and your family.

reading your wonderful article kept thinking, "lucky baby"
then realized also-lucky family. Thanks for sharing
this important article-which addresses so many
issues so thoughtfully. Be well!

(79)
Joey,
July 17, 2009 8:05 PM

Thank you

I have a little brother with autism, and this article really spoke to me. Thank you, and may God bless you and your family for the best!

(78)
devorah malka,
July 8, 2009 1:06 AM

expect the most until proven otherwise

When you limit your expectations of a person, I think you actually limit what they can do. Even if you don't tell them that you have low expectations, they will pick it up. Also, you either won't teach them the things you don't think they can do, or you will teach it with an attitude that they will fail, so they will not think that success is a possibility.
When I was in highschool, I tutored a (20 yr old) "boy" with Down's... he wanted to learn about the parsha each week, and improve how he could say the tefilos in shul on shabbos. His mom she didn't tell me the specifics of his limitations, so I just taught him everything that he was ready to learn, in the best way I knew how. When his mom came in to watch us during one session, he was sounding out unfamiliar Hebrew words (we practiced the different sounds with flash cards) and she said "He can't sound out words! They told us he couldn't do that!" I just said, "Well, no-one told me, and he also doesn't know that he can't." The same with the parsha - I would help him read the book, quiz him with the questions in the back, and then review what we had read and the pictures until he could give all the correct answers. He was so pleased with himself to know about the parsha! His mom said they had also been told that he didn't have that level of recall/reading comprehension. I came in with an attitude of teaching him as much as he could learn, and taking him as far as he could go - without limited expectations, he was able to do much more than he had been able to do in the past.

(77)
Alan D. Busch,
June 17, 2009 6:33 PM

Thank you!

Dear Rabbi Coopersmith,
I have often asked myself "what if?" I were to become a parent of a "Down's baby". I knew from previous experience with Ben Z'L that tremendous demands are placed on the shoulders of parents whose children are ill. But this piece so comprehensively addresses the interplay between the extraordinary demands of parenting an "extraordinary" child and fidelity to and growth within Torah observance ... that I feel priviledged to have read it. May Yehuda Meir continue to be a source of much nachat for you and yours. I am ...
Very Sincerely Yours,
Alan D. Busch

(76)
Hinda,
June 5, 2009 10:51 AM

What a source of Nachas you are to Yehuda

Where does nachas come from? Does it start with someone and felt by others? Yehuda's potential is limitless with a family like his. Your family is the true source of nachas! Your the pioneers of the tikun required of all of us. How proud your parents must be of you.

(75)
Feige Ferber,
June 3, 2009 7:58 AM

How is Yehuda Meir doing now?

I was happy and inspired to re-read the above essay and am wondering how Yehuda Meir is doing now. Perhaps Rabbi Coopersmith would write about Yehuda Meir again.
My brother with Down's is 45 years old and is still growing emotionally, psychologically and intellectually. I was lighting candles Friday night and I felt some movement behind me.When I finished the Brocha I saw out of the corner of my eye Itzik running out of the dining room. He never runs - I turned around and saw that he had placed a chair behind me because he knew that my back was hurting! He did not want me to see him, therefore, he ran out of the room. I was moved to tears. This is just a microcosm of new things that I continuously notice. Never ever lower your expectations - my mother, A"H didn't and the results are remarkable. Hashem should bless you and your whole family with gezunt and nachas. Yehuda Meir is, indeed, lucky to have been born into your family! Kol Tuv, F. Ferber

(74)
Judith Forsgren,
June 2, 2009 3:30 PM

To Little Yeduda

It is not what you do not have that makes you great--but what you do have. Use your great soul to make our dear Lord smile. Please Him with what you do have and give it to others dear, precious one.

(73)
annie lass,
June 2, 2009 3:35 AM

thank nyou for nthis most moving article

I worked as an art teacher with Downs Syndrome people, and after a few sessions I forgot they were Downs Sundrome, they were like every other students in mainstream classes, kean to learn and do well, many had great skills and creativity. May your special son bring you very special nachas.

(72)
Mary,
June 2, 2009 1:01 AM

Gods Blessing

I saw a childrens down syndrome race a few years ago, where an athletic looking youth was easily first towards the line, but he looked back and saw another boy fall over, so he stopped, ran back, helped the boy to his feet, and they both passed the line together, but last. The first will be last, and the last will be first,sayeth the Lord, you must believe in miracles because God hears every prayer.

(71)
Michal,
June 1, 2009 9:48 PM

Stunning

What a beautiful article. Thank you for your insights.

(70)
Anonymous,
June 1, 2009 7:02 AM

developing cognitive abilities

your text is beautiful, and with all the love he will receive from your warm and united family your little baby will surely grow in happiness!
as you live in jerusalem you surely have heard of Professor Reuven Feuerstein who makes miracles with children with down's syndrome and says to their parents: expect to marry him! yes with his special faith in Hashem and in the abilities of human beings he develops every one's potential and integrates people with serious cognitive difficulties into society!to everyone who is concerned with down's syndrome or other kind of disabilities just go to www.icelp.co.il
and all the best to little Yehouda Méir!

(69)
Yocheved,
May 31, 2009 11:46 PM

Incredible

This was sincerely one of the most incredible writings I have ever read for so many reasons. There was so much truth here, and I quoted a bunch of the things you wrote to hang on my wall so that I can remmeber these truths. May HKBH bless you and guide you in every way possible and may His light always shine on you and your wonderful family and on Yehuda Meir. Thank you so so so much.

(68)
M.B,
May 31, 2009 8:42 PM

Thank You

Dear Rabbi and Rebetzin,
Thank you so much for such a heartfelt article. I have had the privilege of once having dinner with your family (at an Aish program) and of playing with little Yehuda. The meal as a whole was incredibly uplifting. But what was most inspiring to me was the way your children behaved with Yehuda, showering him with Love, fighting over his attentions, and shining with brotherly and sisterly pride. Their attitude and behavior are a direct reflection of the words in this article. Thanks again for writing with so much honesty and emotion, and for giving the world the inspiration of your continued legacy in your beautiful family.

(67)
Anonymous,
May 31, 2009 8:15 PM

Thank you from a doctor/friend/wife

I am so glad that you are sharing this essay again, now that Yehuda Meir must be close to 5. I trust he has continued to be a blessing for your family. As a doctor with many special needs patients, I see families react in two divergent ways to the birth of a special child or a serious illness that develops later in childhood. In some families, the stress is too much, and one parent leaves. I am always especially sad when it is the mother. In other families, there is a fantastic coming together, and the family emerges stronger, better, more compassionate. We have friends with a Downs Syndrome daughter who has done very well and recently celebrated her Bat Mitzvah. She continues to amaze me. The assumed limitations are no longer "chiseled in stone." She is, more importantly, a sweet, considerate person and has had a positive impact on her entire family and community. Lastly, as the wife of a wonderful man who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis shortly after our wedding, I can appreciate the lessons learned and the gift of seeing how kind people can be when given an excuse. We have kind, considerate children who were quick to come to the aid of a classmate in distress, quick to listen to a friend's problem and have grown into amazing adults. I chose to work with my patients and continue to learn from them. I would not have chosen a disabling condition for my husband but have learned and grown from the experience and would not, now, relinquish it. HaShem gives us the lessons and the blessings that we need. My husband has been a great teacher for all of us, as I am sure your son will be, and has been. May you all go from strength to strength.

(66)
Anonymous,
May 31, 2009 7:28 PM

each child is a blessing

When we adopted our son at age 2, we thought he would be "perfect". His multiple cognitive and physical challenges were soon apparent. Our son is 18 now, and every day we have known joy in each of his accomplishments. We were indeed blessed with the "perfect" child.Thank you for your moving and honest words.

(65)
Anonymous,
May 31, 2009 6:22 PM

Thank you

Thank you Rabbi and Mrs. Coopersmith for your article. Everything you have said was and is true, true, true.
Your article is proof that your son is already doing tikkun olam and tikkun neshamos. I hope I will be able to live up to Yehuda Meir's standards.

(64)
Malki,
May 31, 2009 5:21 PM

Rabbi Coopersmith,
I was very moved by your article. As a mother of children who fall within the normal range of cognitive of functioning, I think that what we want from each and every one of our children is that they grow to become "a righteous Jew who sincerely cares about others and strives to fulfill the Torah's commandments to the best of his ability." The perverted notion that children are nachas machines, vicarious tools for parents, by "excel(ing) in learning and academics" is toxic and stresses the child-parent relationship. As a therapist I can attest to the fact that the concomitant toxicity often causes children to rebel or turn delinquent.
Is it realistic to expect that your Yehuda Meir grow to be a Tzadik? To fulfill the overarching goal of all Jewish parents? I’d like to share with you one of the most inspiring tzadikim that I know, a young man named Zishy. Zishy is a warm and caring individual. Zishy is an intensely spiritual person. Whenever there is any activity that has even a spark of kedusha in shul, Zishy is visibly moved and responds in a manner that can embarrass those around him by their less than enthusiastic response. He davens with fervor, sings with passion, and dances with the rhythm as if buoyed up by angels. Zishy’s connection to Hashem is so apparent and so pure that it brings tears to my eyes and a profound sense of longing for the connection that Zishy has. Zishy actualizes your definition of tzadik – and mine. Zishy is a Down’s Syndrome boy that was raised by very special parents, parents who shared your goals. With your goal in mind I see that the expectation that you hold for Yehuda Meir, that he grow to be a tzadik, is not just possible, it’s probable.
I pray for you that your Yehuda Meir actualize his potential and that you see much nachas from him and from all your children.

(63)
shira,
May 31, 2009 3:37 PM

dear rabbi and rebbetzin,
i remember 35 years ago when my brother with down's syndrome was born. we all shed buckets of tears at first. when he came home from the hospital we decided that he deserves our love nontheless. i promise you that you will have loads of nachas like you haven't gotten from any of your other kids. today my brother is a 'flagship' child. a delight to have around. he keeps our elderly parents young..... he brought sunshine into our sunny life, that's not an exageration. our family is so much richer for it. thank you for sharing your story. i only wish that every child would get the unconditional love and acceptance which we showered upon our brother....

(62)
Maralene,
May 31, 2009 1:05 PM

Inspiriting

As someone who works for a non-profit serving adults & children with disabilities via 6 programs, I am touched by your experience and inspiration for others. I'd like to reprint this article to share with parents, caregivers, and professionals to recognize the inherent gifts God has placed in those with disabilities. For surely among their mission is to sensitize all to compassion and understanding and to recognize their gift to all of us!

(61)
Anonymous,
May 31, 2009 12:26 PM

Down's

As a certified teacher, social worker and nurse, all is in one word: G-d is good. He would not give us these childen without a reason. I, myself wanted to adopt a little boy with Down's, but there were two couples ahead of me! These children (and adults) show us so much in unconditional love and trust that it is incredible. Your son will reward you!

(60)
SL Zacharowicz,
May 31, 2009 8:19 AM

Very poignant

In sharing their personal pain and growth with us, Rabbi and Mrs Coopersmith have inspired us. I hope we can get an update as to how this boy is doing, now, years later--and the growth he has inspired!

(59)
Joanne Asher,
September 1, 2005 12:00 AM

I don't know if my words will properly express what I feel . Enormous,warm, bright, holy light comes forth from your article, from you, from Dina, from many of the published comments. May this beautiful light brighten the path so that Moshiach comes speedily in our time.
Elana Golda (Asher) Rosenblatt's A"H Mom

(58)
Anonymous,
June 21, 2005 12:00 AM

I was brought to tears while reading Rabbi Coopersmith's article with my 2 month old DS son in my arms.We are still "dealing" with it, & reading articles like this is very helpful. I am seeing this 1 year after it was written (someone told me to look for it when she heard about my baby) & I was wondering what Rabbi & Rebbetzin Coopersmith feel now. It is very helpful to me to hear from other parents who are further along in this journey. I accept the fact that his neshama is special & we,his family,parents & siblings,were given the task of taking care of & nurturing his neshama.I also know that he is here to help those around him better themselves.My question is: was there something so lacking in our lives that we needed this to rectify our lives? I vacillate between feeling "chosen" to care for this neshama & feeling that I am missing something so big that Hashem felt the only way to "fix" it is with this baby. In any event this article has helped me & I thank you for it.

(57)
Lolita Cohen,
February 6, 2005 12:00 AM

Very powerful and important message

Our children are a gift from God. I have learned to accept and am only now happy for our son's choice of life because I realized that he REALLY IS HAPPY. It took me some time because his gifts from God were so numerous ..that they gave me the syndrome of "my son, the violinist" ...He Now has friends and is HAPPY..so AM I.

(56)
Tracy,
October 5, 2004 12:00 AM

What a touching story! It gives us all a whole new perspective. Thank you for sharing.

(55)
stella croning,
October 1, 2004 12:00 AM

Now I Understand!! Thank you...

Dear Rabbi Coopersmith,

Thank you for your beautiful touching story. To me it was a balm to an hurt I have been carrying within me for years. I am a sibling to the first born of my parents, and though she was not a 'Downs' baby, she had the mind of a six year old. Something happened at her birthing and the midwife used tongs that may have pressed down to hard on her head, causing the damage to her brain. I being the youngest, and she the eldest, I often huyrt for her and questioned G=d, and sometimes got so angry at a Creator who could have done this.

Your story makes me think differently now. The words from Rabbi Moshes Shapiro's letter, stood out for me. 'Their entire purpose in being sent to this world is to correct and better their surroundings."

Marjorie, is no more she died at age 71, and I still hurt till I read those lines. Now I understand. Thank you so much.

G-d Bless you.
stella.

(54)
Beth Jawary,
July 6, 2004 12:00 AM

Mazel Tov!

Dear Coopersmiths:
Mazal Tov on your new addition, Yehuda Meir. We have no doubt that with parents like you, Yehuda Meir will achieve all that he can and be a constant source of nachas for you an all your family.
As a professional in the field of special education for many years, know that we are here to help you in any way we can from distant Los Angeles.
Fondly,
The Jawary's

(53)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2004 12:00 AM

Your precious gift from G-D

Many years ago, 24 to be exact I had an incredible dream, that I remember to this day. It was the eve of my wedding.

I was living in Jerusalem and had davened with particular fervor at the Kotel the night before my chasuna.

The dream was as follows. I was on an escalator to Shamayim. Above me were the cosmos and the milkyway. I was hanging on to the railing for dear life while the rest of my body swung out into outer space....dreams can be very strange. My younger sister was with me on this moving "stairway to heaven" and she was calmly standing upright on the stair with her hand gently on the railing. The scene changes, I am now in an elevator going up to the top floor of a building. When I get to the uppermost floor the doors open. I see people hurrying to and fro, with huge smiles on their faces, they are all holding brightly wrapped gifts, plants and presents, everyone there is tremendously happy and joyous. Where are we I ask to some of the people getting off the elevator.

Don't you know, you are in the most highly elevated place in the world. All the people here are parents of children with Down's syndrome. Only those special holy souls merit to have these people as Parents and only these special Parents merited to have these holy souls as children to raise.

Rabbi Coopersmith, this was my dream - deep interpretation was not necessary, I wondered why I dreamt it, however it was the night before my wedding, and at the time I felt a sense of wonder that, I remembered it in such clarity and the content was profound.

Raising a child with Down's syndrome is challenging to say the least.

However since this dream I have never looked at these children or their parents in the same way.

May the light that is Yehuda Meir continue to light up your life and may he be a source of tremendous Nachas to you, your family and to Klal Yisroel.

Mazel Tov!!!

(52)
bette wilson,
June 23, 2004 12:00 AM

I loved the story on the baby boy:)

Me personally am going through almost the same with my un born child:(
My child has a disorder called
Spina bifida it's from not getting enough folic acid.
The doctor had told me that I will be able to carry but I might have a problem with giving bith naturally and the baby might not make it:(
I look at it now and think of it as God was just getting me ready for a child and that having this child has helped me realize alot:)
All I can say is leave it to GOD:)

(51)
joe,
June 21, 2004 12:00 AM

uncle's response

As a Uncle to a "holy" little boy born with Down Syndrome, the family continues to struggle with, what g-d gave my sister, and when articles like yours are written,yours being the most warm and sensitive yet, it brings solace,comfort and a level of acceptance to the family.

May G-d continue to give you and your wife strength and wisdom to reach out
to us all with your wisdom and advice.

(50)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you for sharing this experience. I have been exploring Judaism through this site for some time, and this writing exemplifies the wisdom that sustains some one who does not understand her relationship to the institution of Judaism. Do you know Robert Graves' book Till We have Faces? If not, I suggest it to you. My neighbors have a little daughter with microcepahaly who is making the most amazing progress, slowly and steadily. Please continue to write about your son and your evolving relationship with him.

(49)
Darryl Chemel,
June 20, 2004 12:00 AM

Forest for the trees

This article was brought to our attention during a lecture by Rabbi Arieh Pamensky in the Village Shul, Toronto. He told us to run not walk and after Shabbos to read it. He was right. We too often look at our own perspective with regard to other people and that we have to trust in G-d and it is always for the best. I am now learning to not worry about business and putting my trust in G-d...all others pay cash.

Kate Gladstone,
March 29, 2015 1:49 AM

TILL WE HAVE FACES isn't by Robert Graves; it's by C. S. Lewis.

TILL WE HAVE FACES isn't by Robert Graves; it's by C. S. Lewis.

(48)
Anonymous,
June 18, 2004 12:00 AM

I have a child with special needs and am part of a support group of other parents with children of special needs, we all feel that we are BLESSED rather than burdoned by what it takes to raise these children , thank you for sharing your story and for showing that these special children have far more to give/teach US than they have to learn.

(47)
Sholom Kopstick,
June 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Welcome to the club

Rabbi Coopersmith

First and Foremost, Mazel Tov on the birth of your son Yehudah Meir. I say welcome to the club, because in the past 28 months since the birth if my second son Benny (who incidentally also has an extra 21rst chromosome) I have been fortunate to meet and make friends with the most wonderful individuals and parents than I otherwise would have.

I was touched by the reasons you used the name Yehudah. Benny’s name is Binyomin Yehudah and while he is named after somebody I said a similar vort at his bris.

Once again, Mazel Tov to your entire family.

Sholom

(46)
David,
June 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Yehudah Meir

I passed this article by several times and finally looked in and to my suprise I was deeply moved. You hit so many nails on the head that it is obvious Yehudah Meir is accomplishing his Tikun in the way he inspired a deep search of your soul(s) to come up with powerful answers to such a difficult situation. By your sharing it with the world he has moved many in this tiny part of his life. So much will be learned just by this article alone. Imagine what else Yehudah Meir will teach us.

(45)
Anonymous,
June 17, 2004 12:00 AM

Hashem's gifts

When I was 4 1/2 years old my middle sister, Malka Lieba Chaya, became profoundly retarded from the measles. She was 7 years old at the time. A beautiful vibrant child with a passion for life could no longer communicate or care for herself. She was my best friend. It was a long journey for my family. This occured 45 years ago.

My parents Baruch Hashem, were amazing. Not religious, they took it upon themselves to accept their test from the Almighty, learning, teaching and implementing changes for the retarded that would be felt for a life time.

I could remember at 7 years old my parents would raised 300,000 US a year with other parents to help younsters who were institutionalized, in state homes that were in awful conditions. I remember going to these annual events and all the Down's syndrome children would perform a musical play. I sat, crying wishing that my sister was down's syndrom instead of being profoundly retarded so that I could communicate with her.

My parents, Baruch Hashem, had the merit in their lifetimes to help close down all the New York State Institutions for the retarded and to start group homes throughout New York State. What a task, but a group of parents fought and a class action case was brought against Willowbrook State School. As a result all the New York State Instiutions were closed and group homes were open. One of my parents friend son is in a wonderful group home after suffering so many years at Willowbrook. Baruch Hashem.

Several years before my mother passed away, she said to me if my sister Maddy was never sick she would not have made so many changes for the retarded. I remember getting off the phone and crying that my mother had so much faith in Hashem. What a role model to learn from.

I pray that you see much nachas from your son. I am sure he will show you how much he loves life and how appreicative he is of everything around him. We can all learn from how much simcha each of these children have. They love themselves and everything around them.

I would also suggest that you get in contact with Judge Butler from Pittsburgh. He and his wife Nina have had many challenges and speaking to him could only give you strength. I met him at the Village Shul- several years ago. He was brought in several time to speak for the Yetta Nashman Jewish Family Institute. The first time I met him, I told him about my mother and he knew about her accomplishments.

May the Almighty Bless you and your family and many Brachas should flow from you Yehuda Meir.

Have a Good Rosh Chodesh and Good Shabbos

(44)
tali brea,
June 17, 2004 12:00 AM

thank you

This essay is so, so special. Thank you, Rabbi Coopersmith for sharing such a personal part of you with us. May you have lots and lots of nachas from this special neshama and your other children.

(43)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2004 12:00 AM

Incredibly inspiring

Thanks so much for this inspirational article. It sure helps us focus on the meaning of life and torah.

(42)
Do Lern Hwei,
June 16, 2004 12:00 AM

A very touching and true article. Thanks!

May the Almighty bless your family as you assist this Neshema, Yehuda Meir fulfil his destiny.

(41)
Yerachmiel Zalman Bender,
June 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Recollection of radio interview with Down's child mother

A mother of a Down's child (and local TV personality) was asked in a radio interview of her wishes in hindsight.

To my initial astonishment, she wished only that her Down's baby was born first and not third.

She said how much better a parent she could have been to the non-Down's children after the lessons learnt from and while raising her Down's child.

Unlike Rabbi and Rebbitzen Coopersmith, my wife and I did not merit to bring a 'special' child into the world. She was still born at 28 weeks. Rather our test is to see the 'specialness' in each of our other children - today and everyday.

"There are some neshamos...that are especially exalted neshamos which in and of themselves need no correction. Their entire purpose in being sent to this world is to correct and better their surroundings," and that the role of parents of a "neshama of this grand stature" is to "accept it with much love, and assist it to perform the function for which it was sent."

In giving us the gift of this article, you have done just that. Thank you for starting Yehuda Meir - the keeper of that precious neshama - on his life's work so beautifully. The world is already a better place because he is here with us. May our Creator help you and your entire family to continue to carry out your role in bringing the world to its full potential with such beauty, and with joy and love.

(38)
Debra Tilstra,
June 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Your son Yehuda

Dear Rabbi & Rebbetzin Coopersmith,
Thank you for sharing your feelings & thoughts regarding your son Yehuda Meir with us. He truly will teach you & your family a great many valuable lessons. Thanks for loving him unconditionally.
I had a little foster sister who has Down's Syndrome. What a sweetheart! I learnt more from her about love, compassion, letting go of small things- talking to objects...yes objects. One day she bumped into a fire extinglisher and stopped to lecture it, " you no hurt Hopey!" as she pointed her finger scoldingly at it.
She loved helping others, and inspired us all to become more funloving.
What a blessing she was to our home.
No one else could have ever taught us so well.
Best of wishes to you all.

(37)
Judy Waldman,
June 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Dance Recital -- Sun Sentinel 6/14/04

Rabbi --

Thank you for your inspirational and well expressed article. My husband Chaim and I have a daughter, Dina Sheva,age 9, with Down Syndrome. I could write volumes about how this special neshama has effected us and particularly has taught me what I had failed to learn in life previously. Dina Sheva was just featured in a beautiful newspaper article yesterday in the Broward County Sun-Sentinel (Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.) I am unable to "cut and paste" the article but would be glad to email it to anyone interested in hopes that you and other parents can catch a glimmer of the nachas that this child brings to our lives.

Mazel Tov and enjoy your precious gift.

Judy Waldman jwyachts@earthlink.net

(36)
Alex Talkar,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Classic Example

You have already set up "A Classic Example" to all of us, specially the parents. Thank you for sharing the same any may you baby grow up and shine like Abharam, Isaac & Yacob and fulfill the role Ha-shem has harbored in him.

(35)
Andy,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

soul of tzaddik

I was told the late great Torah scholar Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach would rise whenever a person with Down's syndrome entered a room. I was taught that he believed these were reincarnated souls of tzaddikim who needed to spend a period of time on earth in a pure sin free state.

Anonymous,
March 29, 2015 1:53 AM

Why is everyone here saying ... ?

Why is everyone here saying that Down's children and adults are all "exalted" and "sin free"? I have seen them behave well ... AND I have seen them behave badly, just like the rest of us.

(34)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

thank you for article

Rabbi and Rebbetzin Coopersmith: During the last 40 years of my brother's life, I have read everything that I could find regarding Down's Syndrome. I have never, ever read any article that has the warmth, honesty and intellectual realism that your article contains. With your permission, I would like to make copies of the article and give it to all the members of my family. Your expectations are not too high; reach for the sky and you will get it.

With great respect, F. Ferber

(33)
Ruth Palatnik,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

reaction of a parents of a girl age 9 with DS

My daughter, Rina, age 9 also has Down Syndrome. I knew intellectually from the start that I would love her, but my emotions took time to catch up. I remember praying "G-d, how long is it going to take for my first thought in the morning (even before "modeh Ani") to NOT be "I bore a child with Down S."?" Well, one day it happened that I was awake an hour before the thought hit me. I knew I was on the mend.
A child with Down Syndrome is first and foremost a CHILD- one who will smile, laugh, and maybe even get to be a bit sassy.
The authors comments, that he realized that we value our children for their intelligence, which in turn effects their ability to make us appear better--- this is indeed a big trap. Today I know that I place more emphasis (with all my children)on valuing them as people.
And my children have gained in that they have learned:
1 one can cope with a challenge
2 No one is quareenteed a perfect life, so appreciate the good things that come along!

(32)
Linda Chaitowitz,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

What an inspiring article Rabbi Coopersmith has written

Dear Rabbi Coopersmith,
I read your inspiring article and immediately felt that I had to share
snippets of our own experience with you.
We are the proud parents of a 21 year old son with Downs Syndrome--we prefer to call it Up syndrome.
Our son, Eliezer Shlomo,has indeed proved to be a torah Scholar. If you quote any verse fron the whole of the Torah to him, he can tell you without thinking about it, exactly which Parsha the verse comes from.On his Barmitzvah, Eliezer read from the Torah to the end of Revii of his Parsha, having been taught by my husband.Almost every evening before going to the minyan for Maariv, Eliezer and my husband learn Chumash Rashi together. He also has a Chavrutah every Shabbat afternoon with Rabbi Benjy Levine where they learn Mishnayot together.
We have many more experiences to share.
We certainly feel that our son is a Talmid Chacham. There is potential in each and every one of Hashem's creations, whether they are defined as Special needs or not.
May Hashem bless you and all your family.
Kol Tuv
Linda Chaitowitz

(31)
Ibtzan Richter,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Touched by the Blessings bestowed on you all.

Dear Parents,
I am most touched by your acceptance of the gift bestowed on you. On the other hand, you may wonder, if he had such a choise, what would Yehuda's Neshuma choose: to be "normal" or to be "handicapped"? How would he want to radiate his source of G'dliness - to be "hors-concours", meaning because of outstanding merit he could not participate in the "game of life" - or to carry a "handicap" and participate as a tzaddik, giving us his teachings by his very example? ... And thus choosing you, and the whole family, as his couch.

Shalom vBrachot

(30)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Down Syndrome as Refined Neshamah

I have been the live-in attendant to an adult Gentile man with Down Syndrome for almost 6 years and am very happy in my job. Although he is limited in his verbal skills, he makes his needs and wants plainly known. He is simpatico and has a wonderful sense of humor. His parents and 5 siblings deserve much credit for raising him so well.

He enjoys going to the local Chabad with me and davening there, with a kippah on his head. He reverently watches me light the Shabbas candles, with his head covered; and he imitates me putting on tefilling.

He is alltogether a comfort and delight,
a neshamah who is very close to G-d.

M., 6/14/04

(29)
Aderet B.,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Sh'tizku l'gdal l'torah l'chupa ulema'asim tovim!

Dear Rabbi & Rebbetzin Coopersmith,
Mazal tov on this great news! Enjoy every second that you can with him, and all your kids. May he be a great source of nachas & inspiration to you as you have been [with all your articles and e/t you do] to us! Sh'tizku l'gdal l'torah l'chupa ulema'asim tovim!

P.S. Would you mind sharing with us a picture attached to the story?

(28)
Glen Priddy,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

What an eye opener!

I marvel at the love that this parent has for his son. Thank you for the lesson you have given.

Let me give you a viewpoint from the opposite end of the spectrom. I hope the writer of this article will be able to read my response.

I was born with muscular dystrophy, my mother died when I was two. My grandmther took me and gave me a home, but not the one that one would like,nor was it conducive to love.

I learned what reducule really means, and how I yearned for someone to love and try and understand me, but that did not come easy. My Heavenly Father came into my life through a loving neighbor who taught me and led me through many a trial in my life.

I could not play like other boys and do the things other children could do, but there was someone there to always help me through the situation.

I have been around the world and meet a lot of so called important people, I have done things that my friends said that I could not do, but I did it anyway.

Only by the grace of my Heavenly Father can I say this. This is because someone took to time and loved me enough to give a chance in life. How I am indebted to that old lady who stood tall and said you can do something in this world. Thank you sweetheart.

(27)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Artical was beutiful

This article I read with my father was so touching. My teacher said parents with downs children are very special.Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.May you merit to walk him down the aisle.

(26)
Toby Klein Greenwald,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

A story with a beautiful message for all parents

Thank you for sharing your deeply moving story with us all. Raising all children demands a level of faith and prayer that we have to constantly reach to achieve, and your story will make it a little bit easier.

(25)
shellie grafstein,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

totally inspirational people

kolakovod to you and Dina. You actually put parenting totally in perspective - our role as parents is to make our children into the best people they can be - dealling with their strengths and minimizing their deficiences. Every person has a 'flaw', some are just more obvious to the onlooker than others. You two are incredible people. Keep up the amazing work.

(24)
Paul,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

I once heard someone say that being pregnant is like preparing for an exciting, eagerly anticipated holiday. And although we imagine it being to, say, Fiji, sometimes it is to somewhere less popular, but no less enjoyable or exciting. It is simply a holiday to a place we weren't expecting. The same is true for having a child with a disability.

Anonymous,
March 29, 2015 1:57 AM

A "holiday"?

You talk about a disability as a "holiday to a place we weren't expecting." If I was such a "holiday" to my parents, being disabled (a set of neurological disabilities I don't want to discuss here), I was a "holiday" to a place where nobody in his/her right mind would care to go, or would enjoy when they got there.

(23)
Jennifer Ionescu,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you for your article

Rabbi Coopersmith,

Thank you for your article. As the parent of a handsome, loving, autistic son, I found the things that you shared, both your emotional reaction to your son's birth, and the depth of Jewish teachings about disabilities, to be very helpful. When my son first began to show the signs of autism, I couldn't find strength in anything but the Torah. My Cory is 7 years old now, and, although we are benai noach, I have still not found any source of strength and hope that can compare with Torah.

Thank you for comforting my heart with your words. May Hashem grant Yehuda Meir long life, with perfect health, and great happiness. I think that is all we really want for our children, that they should fulfill Hashem's will for them and that they should be happy. May Hashem bless you and your whole family. Your writing has certainly blessed me this morning.

With greatest respect,

Jennifer Ionescu

(22)
Chava Willig Levy,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Mazal Tov to Yehuda Meir!

Dear Yehuda Meir,

Mazal tov - and welcome to the world! You are one lucky kid, landing in the home of such terrific parents and siblings. I know they will give you so much joy and fun and, no doubt about it, you'll do the same for them.

Those words make me especially happy to know that he is on your team. And a winning team it is.

(21)
Ritamari,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Downs Children give so much love

Thank you for sharing your life and your child with us the readers.

I work with the develope mentally disabled, (as they are called), yet I often times learn a little more each day while working with them, about "love".

They are genius's of their own kind. They are genius's of compassion, empathay and kindness.

Sometimes when I am working and I misplace an item and I can't find it. These little people just seem to know where things are!! They help me find stuff.

When my job seems too stressful and I feel I can't go another day. I'll take a look at one of my little friends and I know that somehow, it'll all be okay.

They are truly more intelligent in ways than I could ever begin to explain. They just seem to know what you are feeling and understand what a person needs. There is more to these little people than what meets the human eye.

They give so much love.

(20)
Manuel,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Children with Down Syndrome are very affectionate

My wife always says that children with Down syndrome are more affectionate to others than normal kids
Maybe as the rabbi also says their souls come down to this physical world with character traits that do not have to be rectified as we normal intellectual people "superior" people ought to

(19)
Alexa,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Kol hakavod to Rabbi Coopersmith

What a moving, powerful piece. Rabbi Coopersmith's total emotional honesty--and his bravery in sharing it with the world--has a lesson for each and every one of us, whether we have children with down's or no children at all. I hope that he and his wife will be blessed with pride and joy from each of their children.

(18)
Miryam Rabin,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

This is truly moving

May the Almighty sends many blessings to little Yehuda Meir and this family.This has been truly moving and inspirational and at the same time educational, that in fact we take many things in life for granted and that every child is TRULY a blessing and a gift from the Almighty.

(17)
Dalia,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

We also have a Yehuda

We also have a Yehuda.Your story came at atime when I was feeling very low. Like everything in life, I happen to be browsing the compter with a broken heart. I just finished reading a beautiful letter written by my Rebbe, The Lubavitcher Rebbe and I was feeling a little better and then I read your article.Hashgacha Pratis never ceases to amaze me. My Yehuda is 12 years old and has PDD. Your right he may not be a Talmid Chocham but a true Chosid he is. He loves life, music,people and Hashem. I need to learn from him. Saying all this, I'm not on the Madrega of accepting that this was all for the good. I question why. Not why me, just why!
But thank you for sharing your feelings. May the day that all blind wiil see and all deaf will hear come very soon. Good luck to you ,your wife ,and your children. Please give your Yehuda a hug from me.

(16)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Read "Expecting Adam"

Rabbi Coopersmith, the author (Martha something) of "Expecting Adam" has a treasure trove of spiritual insights into the gifts of children with Down Syndrome. You will apprefiate the lessons in that book.

(15)
Sara,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

We too have a son with Down Syndrome. Our son is turning 2 this month and is a constant source of nachas. We empathize completely and appreciate how well you expressed your feelings.

(14)
Bracha,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

My brother has Downs Syndrome

17 years ago my parents, after five girls had their first boy, Yaakov, with Down's Syndrome. I don't remember much, I was five, but it was hard for them as I learned later. I know that hearing this now might not help, as it did not help my parents when they first had my brother, but after 17 years we all realize that my brother is the biggest bracha our family could have. No, he won't be the son who learns gemara that my father wanted, but his innate goodness, temimusdik nature and constant happiness have made him the most popular member of our family and friends. He is able to read and translate Hebrew, daven and said his haftora at his bar mitzva. He is such a special person, at times I feel like we need him, more than he needs us. Hatzlacha with your son and may you have nachas from all your children.

(13)
Malky Fischer,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Rabbi Coopersmith:

Kol HaKavod for your moving article. I am the mother of a beautiful almost 8 year old daughter with Down's Syndrome. I distinctly remember what my reaction was when my husband and I were told that our daughter possibly had Down Syndrome. I didn't want to have anything to do with. A doctor advised me to continue seeing her. Our daughter's name is Naomi Bracha. When she was named we had no idea that she was born with Down Syndrome. You see she was born over 2 months premature.

She truly is a Bracha who is loved by everyone. She attends the same school as her 3 older sisters. The school Bais Yaakov D'Rav Hirshprung in Montreal.

Rabbi Coopersmith our lives are so much better with her in our lives. - For she is so special for her Neshama is so pure.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful son with us.

Malky

(12)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Potential of D.S. children much higher than once thought

To Rabbi Coopersmith is being done with Down Syndrome children and the are proving the "experts" wrong. There is no limit to the potential of these "heilige" neshomos. My son Yacov Yehuda was reading in 3 languages at 5 At 6 he was learning Chumash and Rashi! He is highly intelligent and speaks very well. I'm telling you this not to brag, but to give you chizuk. Your son can probably be on a much higher level than my son. Yacov Yehuda is visually impaired, which slows his progress. Contact me by E=mail, I can give you some tips. HL

(11)
tova,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

mazal tov!

We also have a ten year old downs syndrome child and experienced much of what you went thru at her birth. She taught me to see her as a whole and complete soul in a less-than-perfect body and has brought great bracha into the family. Now, as we have recently made aliayah, she has mastered hebrew unaccented far faster than I and I am the one struggling to keep up. May you and your family be blessed as you grow and develop together! Mazal Tov!

(10)
Magris,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Special meaning of this article

This article had special meaning and was done in a true spiritual way. Thank you for altering my mind.

(9)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Miracle child

Having lived near the Coopersmith's while they still lived in Thornhill, I couldn't think of any parent more capable, loving, and sensitive to raising a "special needs" child. I myself have a DD child, and see that while there are limitations, my now 12 yr. old son is now able to Daven, socialize apropriately, and is a joy to have. While there have been times when we cried our eyes out, the tears of joy override the "bad times". Our son will not graduate from a Yeshivah, but he does wear his yarmulka proudly in the public school he attends. We were told he would never walk - now he runs! We were told he would never talk - now we wish he would shut his mouth! He will soon have his Bar Mitzvah and, although he won't layn on Shabbes, he has managed to learn the Rosh Chodesh portion - something everyone told us would be waaaay beyond his capabilities. So...please don't feel sorry for yourselves....you are obviously very special parents chosen by HKB"H to raise your very special son. Mazel Tov!

(8)
sarah shapiro,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

A testament for our times

After the meaningful comments already written, I really don't have anything new to add but I just feel like being included in the crowd of people saying "Thank you, Rabbi Coopersmith." Your essay is so majestic, it seems to go beyond the word "essay." It somehow takes in all of our questions and answers about life in one fell swoop. It will probably prove, with time and widespread distribution, to be a Jewish classic.

(7)
Yitz Greenman,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Lifted to a higher place

Your article was intensely moving (to tears) and most insightful. Thank you for sharing you and your wife's growth, and for teaching us these most powerful truths. I'm very inspired.

(6)
Dr. Shanti Persaud,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Being transformed through the birth of a unique soul...a shift from apearance to essence.

Rabbi Coopersmith, your story touches a place in my own life when I gave birth to my first daughter who was a Down's baby. She has since passed away but she was an essential little wise ancestor who came back to teach me the rudiments of the dance. My transformation began the day she arrived and like you, I moved through difficult times of denial, despair, bargaining with God and finally acceptance of a precious soul that came with a mission and did accomplish that mission before she left the planet. While I struggled for a time on all levels - spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and philosophically with the reality of a Down's child, her father exemplied a love for her that was so unconditional, pure and dedicated that he "got" the message that this child was a gift to behold and he did everything to honor this gift. I recall observing him with a tinge of envy that I could not initally immediately grasp the bigger picture like he did. And she knew it. She loved her "Papa" with her whole being and of course, she loved me too, but she "knew" that I struggled for a while and it was as if she had a genuine compassion for me. She had so much of my personality and she was a total delight to be with and grow with. Your sentiments, growth, shift in consciousness and values, and love for your child are a testimony to all parents and especially those with Down's babies who hopefully will make the transition from struggle to a peace that is of God's grace. Thank you deeply for your honesty and humanness. A warm shalom. Shanti

(5)
Abraham and Inger Ary,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

As I read at visitor comments: "...You actually put parenting totally in perspective - our role as parents is to make our children into the best people they can be - dealling with their strengths and minimizing their deficiences. Every person has a 'flaw', some are just more obvious to the onlooker than others..."
As you already know, our english is not our best...thats why we use this comment to let you know we think you are on the right path...Thanks for letting us know about this site,
specially this article,wich touch our hearts in a special way!

(4)
Jane Berry,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Appreciate your insights on your angel son, Yehuda.

We too have a child with Down Syndrome. I remember the disbelief I felt in the hospital and after we took her home, a fierce desire to shield her from anything bad at the hands of others. She has continued to be an immediate example that God does not require perfection from his children. She has blessed us and taught our family pure love without reservations. We would not change a hair on her head if we could. It is the world that needs changing. Blessings, Jane and Dick Berry. Dallas, Texas

(3)
Michal,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

having a Down's sibling has been a bracha too

My sister was born with Down's Syndrome 28 years ago. My parents were firmly told to send her to an institution and forget she was ever born. They didn't.

I can't say growing up with a "retarded" sister was easy, but I am constantly amazed at how my family has grown because of her. Truthfully, she has done so much more for us than we have done for her. She is the mirror through which we view our own spiritual challenges.

A book I have found extremely helpful for siblings of "special" children is called "The Normal One." The author interviews many such siblings and deals with the ultimate paradox they face: on the one hand, they wish (albeit internally) to compensate for their parents' disappointment in having a less than perfect child. On the other hand, they feel tremendous guilt with any measure of success/happiness they achieve, knowing their sibling will never get to experience these things. For example, on my own wedding day, as happy as I was, I knew my sister would never get married and that was very sad.

Hashem has found a special home for your son's special neshama - He chooses these carefully! It is a compliment. I always say that after 120 years we will all thank my sister for teaching us how to live.

(2)
Robert,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

Priceless gift of children

Rabbi Coopersmith-
Thank you for moving story, I must say it brought me to tears. Also, thank you for reminding all of us parents of the wonderful and most precious gift G-d has bestowed upon us in our children. I pray that I do has well for my Samuel as you are doing for Yehuda.

(1)
shifra,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

I especially appreciate your courage in sharing the negativity you experienced till you came to appreciate your son. May you have much nachas from him and your other children. thank you

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!