How to Save Yourself When You’re Frickin’ Shark Bait

It’s said that you have a better chance of being hit by a meteorite than attacked by a shark, but there’s been a dramatic rise in shark attacks in 2015. Blame global warming. Blame saltier seawater. Blame the ever-increasing amount of time humans spend in the ocean.

The other day a Sydney surfer had a six-foot shark “jump” on his board at Bondi Beach, the creature obviously taking its aerial cues from Sharknado… or Kelly Slater. Who knows? Here’s the bottom line: Have you ever heard of anyone getting hit by a meteorite? Nope. But shark attacks are all over the news, from Australia to the Carolinas.

So what are you going to do if you’re in the middle of the Indian ocean and attracting sharks like a bucket of week old chum?

Duh. Don’t be in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Boom! Problem solved. Sharks don’t attack humans on land, unless of course they’ve undergone some sort of nuclear-powered, Godzilla-like transformation and sprouted wings or legs or what not. Ocean abstinence is the way to go. Hit the public pool or a freshwater lake. Your chances of survival increase tenfold. The only thing you run the risk of being attacked by at a freshwater lake is a flesh-eating disease, and that kinda’ beats becoming a snack for Jaws.

Excessive splashing is a no-no.

Yes, we know. It’s a beautiful day. You’re happy as a clam at high tide. The ocean water is like a warm spiritual balm, and you're splashing and carrying on like you’ve never seen or experienced the ocean before. But all that splashing, well, it’s a magnet for sharks. You’re basically inviting them to come over and sniff about, perhaps take a little taste… an appetizer, if you will. At the same time, excessive splashing at a public pool or freshwater lake is encouraged (just something to think about).

Defend yourself.

According to National Geographic, a shark’s eyes, snout, and gills are extremely sensitive. If Great White puts the hurt on you, defend yourself with whatever weapon you have on hand. Surfboard, boogie board, snorkel, water wings - all of these things can be turned into a weapon. Sure, you’re not going to spear a twenty-foot shark with a snorkel and flipper, but a few good whacks on the creature’s snout might give you enough time to get away. Unless you’re bang-in-the-middle of the ocean. In which case, Asta La Vista!

And there you have it, the Boy Scout’s guide to avoid becoming frickin’ shark bait. Happy swimming, baiting, and running!