WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

MENLO PARK, CA—Vowing that the social media site would always safeguard the sensitive information, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that his company would never hand over users’ medical records to the government.

OJAI, CA—Finally getting a chance to try her hand at “storytelling from the other side of the camera,” a local monarch butterfly reportedly made her directorial debut Monday on the PBS documentary series ‘Nature.’

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.

MENLO PARK, CA—In light of recent catastrophes both at home and abroad, Facebook began offering a new profile frame Friday that lets friends know you stopped scrolling for a second to look at disaster photos and felt sorta bad.

I Am Sending The Wrong Message To Our Nation's Children

To grow up right in this society, children need role models they can look up to. They need adults who, by the way they act, set good examples for how to live one's life with integrity, honesty and morality. Well, count me out, pal, because every day and in every way, I am sending the wrong message to America's young people!

Take last week, for example. My wife caught me in bed with my secretary. It was bad enough that I was unfaithful to my wife, but when she confronted me about it, I lied to her face, swearing that it was the first time I'd ever strayed and that I'd never do it again. Was it the first time? Hell, no–it was probably the 450th. Would it be the last? Absolutely not. What kind of message does my behavior send to kids? That commitment and trust are meaningless? That it's okay to cheat, so long as you don't get caught? That lying is an acceptable way to get out of difficult situations? These aren't the kinds of messages kids should be receiving. But they're definitely the ones I am sending!

Young people lack the experience to make their own informed judgments and are therefore vulnerable to the influence of others, particularly older people they look up to. That's why it's so bad that I smoke pot in the presence of minors. What's worse, while I'm smoking the pot, I loudly exclaim things like, "Boy, do I love to smoke pot!" and "There's no better feeling in the world than getting really high!" When I say these things in front of kids, it could influence them to get hooked on drugs! Why don't I ever stop to think about the consequences of my actions?

Recently, a 16-year-old from the neighborhood asked me for advice about birth control. I told him that I do not use prophylactics because a real man would never use a condom. By saying that "only pussies are afraid of AIDS," I probably gave him the impression that caution is unnecessary in this day and age. In fact, the more teenagers hear me say, "The bitch can deal with it if she gets knocked up," the more they will believe it. This is absolutely not the sort of message we need to be sending the future leaders of our nation.

There are a million other bad lessons I'm sending young people. Among the many messages I'm sending are that people should look out only for themselves, that dishonesty is rewarded, that it's okay to drink and drive, that money is the most important thing in the world, that women are to be treated as sex objects, that chewing tobacco is tasty and fun, and that the elderly are useless members of society who are to be mocked and treated with disrespect. How much of a chance does America have if impressionable kids have people like me to emulate? Not much!

Fortunately, there are people out there living decent, upright lives and serving as positive role models. These selfless people are doing their part to undo the harm done by people like me, foregoing fun things like drugs and random sex in order to set good examples for our kids. Suckers.

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WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

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WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.