Thursday, September 22, 2011

21 Celebrities Who Need To Change Their Names (Of The Day)

Everybody's gotta be different now, is that it? Diversity is fine, but give me something I can pronounce. John Wayne. Tony Curtis. Cary Grant. Those were star names. Not this shit.

Nestor CarbonellThe guy who played Richard Alpert on "Lost" has a name that sounds like a sketchy pasta dish. “Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions.”

Have you seen Bean?Who do you mean?I mean Sean, you fiend,That's the Bean I mean!

Chiwetel EjioforChi-wah Who-wha? Can someone Chiwe-tell me how to pronounce this fucked-up name? (Whatever you call him, he played Huey Lucas in American Gangster, where he and The News sang, “I Want A New Drug.”)

America FerraraWhenever I encounter assonance in celebrity names, I just want to combine them: “Americarrara.”

Sandra OhThe sound of disappointment.

“Who’s in this movie?”“That beast from Grey’s Anatomy.”“Oh. What else is on?”

M. Night ShyamalanShyamalan is fine -- it gives us all a reason to call him “Shama-lama-ding-dong.” But he's gotta lose that unnecessary M. John C. Reilly needs his C because there’s another John Reilly in SAG. Somehow I doubt there’s another Night Shyamalan, and if there was, he surely changed his name after The Happening.

Kellie PicklerDon't mind if I do!

Zeljko IvanekGreat actor (24, Damages, House, Oz), crappy name. Under “Alternate Names,” IMdb.com lists “’Z with a caron Zeljko Ivanek’, ‘Z-with-inverted-circumflex-eljko Ivanek’, ‘Å½eljko Ivanek’ and ‘Z’, proving that even they don’t what the hell to do with that name. Why don't you trade in a k or two for some vowels, chief?

Whenever I see or hear Kelly Pickler I think of her appearence on are you smarter than a 5th grader. She ISN'T! She isn't even smarter than your average whippit. You had to see her to believe it but it led to a great Jeff Foxworthy truism.

"Kelly, waiting for you to come up with an answer is like being in line at the supermarket behind an old lady with coupons."