Les Kotzer, an estate lawyer in Toronto, says people should
worry more about saving their families than saving taxes.

"Family
estate fights are not just over money," he said.
"They're also over memories. These memories can create
such bitter warfare that family members will sometimes
spend more money on legal fees than the assets in question
are worth."

He
recalls two clients - brothers - who fought in his office
over a Howdy Doody lunch box in their father's estate.
"One brother said, 'That lunch box has the smell
of my childhood on it, and I'm not giving it to my brother,'
" Mr. Kotzer said. The other brother finally relented,
but the two parted on unfriendly terms.

In
another case, two brothers got into a fight in Mr. Kotzer's
office over a sports trophy that belonged to their father.
One brother threw a heavy law book at the other, barely
missing his head. Mr. Kotzer sent them to another lawyer.

Cases
like these prompted Mr. Kotzer and his law partner, Barry
Fish, to write a book, "The Family Fight: Planning
to Avoid It" (Continental Atlantic Publications,
2002). It offers common-sense, plainly written advice
that is applicable in both the United States and Canada,
where the authors practice. The book is sometimes hard
to find in bookstores, but it can be ordered from Internet
booksellers like Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com or
from Mr. Kotzer's Web site, (www.familyfight.com). The
book can also be ordered toll-free at (877) 439-3999.
The price is $14.95, plus shipping.

For
Mr. Kotzer, planning is vital to help families sidestep
acrimony. "Death is not the only issue that can lead
to family fights," he said. "Someone's incapacity
can also start a family war. People need to plan for both
with a will and a durable power of attorney."

He
also advises parents to meet with their children to work
out solutions in advance. "I've never had a parent
come to me and say, 'I want my kids to fight.' Yet the
children end up fighting because the parents have done
no planning or have planned poorly. They've had no discussions
with their children and have made some very bad assumptions."

ONE
of those assumptions, he said, is that children will exercise
good will and settle things amicably. Another is that
everything will be fine if each child receives an equal
share in an estate.

"Parents
should never assume good will among their children if
there have been no prior agreements or discussions,"
he said. "They should never make one sibling dependent
on the good will of another sibling. Then it's often the
lawyers who have to work it out. And once you get lawyers
involved, the relationship between siblings is never the
same."

The
idea that equal shares are fair may not be fair at all,
he said. "If one child has been a caregiver for years,
would he or she be satisfied with an equal share?"
he asked. "Or what about if parents have given a
lot more money along the way to one child than another?
Are equal shares fair then?"

Mr.
Kotzer cited the case of a woman who had taken care of
her mother for years and had planned to live in the mother's
house after her death. But the mother left the house equally
to the woman and her brother. The brother wanted the money,
so he went to court and forced a sale. In the end, his
sister was forced out of a house that her mother had told
her would always be hers.

When
wishes aren't spelled out, problems can arise from second
marriages, too. "There can be two sets of heirs with
nothing in common," he said. "They may actually
hate each other."

One
of his clients, whose father had remarried, was from a
wealthy family, Mr. Kotzer recalled. "When the father
died, he left everything to his second wife with the understanding
that she would leave everything to his son when she died,"
Mr. Kotzer said. "But instead she left everything
to her two children, and my client got nothing. His stepsiblings
won't even let him see his family pictures, which are
now theirs."

Mr.
Kotzer urges parents to have their financial records organized
to avoid surprises and family fights. "You can leave
a good will, but still leave a mess if things are disorganized,"
he said. "Keep good records so that your children
aren't so vulnerable to fighting at a difficult time."

He
also warns against do-it-yourself will kits, citing the
case of a woman who prepared her own will, leaving her
"personal moneys" to her two sisters and everything
else to her husband. It turned out that she had some money
in checking and savings accounts, plus hundreds of thousands
of dollars in certificates of deposit. The husband and
the woman's sisters fought over what "personal moneys"
meant: The sisters asserted that they included the C.D.'s,
while the husband said they were only the small accounts.
A judge ruled in favor of the husband, but only after
hard feelings had developed and a lot of money had been
spent on lawyers.

"I
tell people that the most important assets they have are
not in their banks or safety deposit boxes but in the
family photo album - in the faces of their children and
other loved ones in that album," Mr. Kotzer said.