When a Hero Cums Along….

Sorry to interrupt your afternoon with some sexual awkwardness, but Nick Cannon has done something that we simply must address. Last week I wrote about how Mariah Carey loves to act sexy and sing about sexy sex but that her sex life still seems somehow unimaginable. Click here for a refresher. Can you actually imagine Mimi fornicating?

Now Nick Cannon has gone on the Howard Stern Show to “admit” that not only does he screw Mimi to her own music, he actually jerks off to it!

As hilarious as it is to imagine Mariah putting on her “Songs I Wrote That I also F-ck To” playlist before she slips into bed with Nick, there’s no way anyone would actually do that (would they?). I’ve known a musician or two in my day and, no matter how big or small the star, none of them would be caught dead, let alone naked, listening to their own music. And if by some ego driven insanity the Carey-Cannons actually do get busy to, let’s say, Love Takes Time, this news still supports my point that for Mimi, sex is all about putting on a show and never about friction.

As for this business about Nick masturbating to his wife’s songs … that’s just some sweet, sweet fantasy, baby. Sexting each other when on the road for work? Sure, but even then you’re still going to finish the job with good ol’ fashioned porn. People don’t masturbate to their spouse’s work.

The most overwhelming case against Nick’s claim though is that Mariah has never made music you would screw OR wank to. Her songs are either too sappy (Always Be My Baby) or too obviously actually about sex (Honey is about jizz, right?). Lainey, Sash, and I have been trying to come up with an acceptable MC song to do it to but the best I could think of with was Shake It Off. Lainey apparently used to make out to one of Mariah’s deep cuts, but I’ll leave up to her to decide if wants to confess which one. (Lainey: Underneath The Stars)