Date: Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:33:33 EDT
From: Writersrealmmm@aol.com
Subject: Discovering Gregory 41
Discovering Gregory
Chapter 41
Coming Alive!
I took my time getting to the hospital and then sat in the
cafeteria drinking coffee. I was in no hurry to see what they'd done to
Greg. They'd said he would be all right and I accept that. They said
there was no damage done, and I guess I accepted that. What I couldn't
accept was the image of him lingering between life and death and my feeling
helpless.
I suppose our entire relationship at hingred between living and
dying since the day we met. It had always found a way to survive, or
something kept surviving. The odds seemed against me. You never came up a
winner every time even when there had never been a prize. I was more
worried about him than my investment in him.
I glided past Nurse Attila about nine thirty and pushed my way into
his room. There he was, strung up just like he was the day before, back in
the same position in the bed.
"Where you been?" He asked, putting down the magazine.
"Where have I been? What are you doing?"
"I've got a magazine and I'm staring in it. I guess I'm either
reading or looking at the pictures."
His head was cocked toward me. The bed was hiked up at a
forty-five degree angle. He had on a dark blue hospital issue pajama top
with the air force logo emblazed in white over one pocket. It was
unbuttoned and met the sheet that was still thrust up in his crotch between
his two broken legs.
There was a tray, several glasses, and a plate on his bed stand.
It was pushed to one side as it always was. He looked relatively good,
especially when considering the way he looked the last time I saw him.
"How are you?" I asked, standing a bit dumbstruck in the middle of
the room.
"Fine. You?"
"I'm fine. You were... you are...."
"Yes, I am. Are you going to sit down or what?'
"How are you like this."
"I don't know. Careful breeding I guess. What's your excuse?"
"Biological freak of nature."
"Martin, are you going to sit down. I can't keep staring up at
you."
"Oh, you want to look down on me."
"You're hopeless. I'm fine. The fever broke last night. The
infection is all but gone. That shouldn't happen again," he said, sounding
like one of the doctors.
"You're so... so...."
"Beautiful? I have my moments."
"You looked so bad yesterday."
"I have been in the hospital you know."
"I figured you'd be out of it for another week."
"They've cut back on the pills. I should be okay. You going to be
all right? I want you to come earlier."
"Why?"
"Boringggggggggggggggg! There's this one nurse. I'm sure she
wants to kick my ass. I need some protection, dude."
"Nurse Attila," I said.
He started laughing.
"That's the one."
"Your father defanged her," I said, take ID from my shirt pocket
and tossing it onto his stomach as I moved to the far side of the bed and
opened the blinds just enough to that the sun wasn't shinning on us through
the slats.
"You join up or what?"
"They hassled me about coming to see you. Next thing I know their
giving me this. She just gets out of my way now."
"The old man has some pull. Rarely uses it," Greg said.
"He does when it comes to his son. He's been jumping on doctors
and nurses ever since you got here. He doesn't take no for an answer when
it comes to you."
"Really!"
"Really. We've all been worried," I said, sitting on the chair
already positioned close to midway down the side of his bed.
"I'll be okay," he said.
"I was here yesterday. I saw your okay."
"Yeah, well, that's past as you can see. I'm back on my feet
again, well, as close as I can get under these conditions."
"Pain?" I asked.
"A twinge now and then. Nothing I can't handle."
His hand eased off the magazine and came to rest on top of mine. I
looked at it for a minute, admiring the thick well shaped fingers. His
skin was shades darker than mine and he'd been indoors for weeks.
"I ain't been jerking off with it if that's what you're worried
about," he said.
"I wish," I said, kissing the hand.
"Not that I haven't tried. Damn things on strike."
"That'll be the day," I said.
"Go ahead. You can try it. I bet it don'e work."
"I can't forget yesterday."
"Yesterdays gone, Martin. All we got is right now because one day
tomorrow will never come. I don't mind if you touch me."
"Right."
I leaned my chin on top of his hand and looked up at his eyes.
They were on me. Not quite sparkling the way they could but as vivid a
blue as it was possible to be. His hair seemed unusually dark. His chest
was light and one nipple half peaked beyond the edge of the pajama top.
The bruises were all gone from his face but marks marked where the deepest
scrapes had been. I tried not to see this beautiful boy being bashed by a
car but it was all screeching tires and breaking glass in my brain.
"I'm all right. Quit looking so sad, will you. Say something
sarcastic or something so I know you're okay."
"I'm fine. You look good. Not as good as you can but better than
you did."
"Thank you. I think," he said softly.
"What are you reading?'
"Ray Bradbury."
"You like sci-fi?"
"It's okay," he said.
"I write sci-fi," I said.
"You do? I mean you write?"
"Yeah."
"You ever write about me?" He asked more seriously, setting the
maginze aside.
"I wouldn't know what to say."
"Good! I wouldn't want to read about myself in some cheap novel.
I'd hate to read what you would say about me."
"You couldn't be cheap no matter how I wrote it. I could describe
how we met," I offered, smiling at the thought.
"Alfie and me was walking down Shultz. That gravel road behind
your house. You were coming up as we were walking down. You kept staring
at us, me. We stopped and your eyes were all over me. I knew what you
wanted right off. Alfie said no. You were just one of the townies. He
was the first one of you types I met."
"You mean pool players," I said.
"I wouldn't call you guys pool players. That was the attraction."
"You turned around once you started to walk away," I reminded him.
"I knew you'd be looking at my ass. I knew you were a dreamer
right off. I just wanted you to know I knew what you wanted."
"I've been looking for a long time."
"I liked you, Martin. I liked you right away. My dick was stiff
all the way home."
"Nice for Alfred," I said sternly.
"Will you cut it out. I was sixteen and more horny than the law
allows. Anything was better than nothing."
"Alfred wasn't that bad," I protested.
"That's not what I said. You were always a pain in the ass."
"And Alfie's?"
"He yelled a little. Tight fucking butthole but we're talking
about you. I might have been a pain in his ass but you're the pain in
mine."
"I have that affect on people."
"You were always in my face, you know. I'd think that maybe we
could get something done and the next thing I knew you were giving me shit
about something that didn't mean anything. I could never figure out where
we stood. You're a tough little fucker when you want to be. And then
there's Douglas."
"You leave Doug out of this. There's nothing wrong with Doug.
He's probably the best son your parents have. Might be a closer call than
I thought."
"Jesus, there you go again. Doug's better than the lot of us,
Martin. You don't think I know that? He's my brother! He'd do anything
for anyone. I feel like an animal when I see how kind and gentle my
brother is. And it's no act. I could never be like him. I don't feel
like that about anybody. Don't expect that. I want what I want and I aim
to get it pretty damn quick."
"What do you want?"
"To get out of here."
"I mean really. What do you want that's within the realm of the
possible?"
"Money! Girls! Lots of girls, and some respect from you."
"Respect. I've told you how I feel."
"No, I don't mean that. I see how you look at me. It's the same
look you gave me that first time you came up to a party. You look down
your nose at me every time my dick gets hard. You're so in control all the
time. I hate that."
"I don't know what you mean."
"That's 'cause you never listen. You've got this long hard way of
looking at me. It says it all. It always pisses me off because you see
through me. You know exactly what I am and you never give a fucking inch
on anything. I hate that."
"I'm a kid. What do I know?"
"Martin, you were what, fifteen, when I first saw you?"
"Fourteen. Almost fifteen."
"You were no kid. You had me pegged. That pissed me off too. You
might have been a kid but you knew as much as I did about what was going on
between us. I'd have bet a dollar to a donut you would be looking at me
when I looked back over my shoulder that day. Most guys never let you
catch them looking at what they want."
"I had never done anything. I never knew anything before I met
you. You pushed the on-button."
"You knew plenty. You just didn't do anything about what you knew
before you met me."
"I respect you. I wish I had the affect on people that you do."
"No you don't. You might love me but you have no respect for me."
"If I love you, and I'm not saying I do, how could I not respect
you? That makes no sense, Greg."
"You already told me you did, so just get over yourself on that
one."
"Oh, you do remember that?"
"I remember what I need to remember."
"I lie some times," I said, as he fumbled with the ice container on
his sterile night table.
I got up and walked around the bed remembering the last time he
needed ice. I wanted to calm him down without pissing him off even more.
Sitting on the edge of the bed I removed the spoon half full of ice and
slipped it in-between his lovely lips while making no eye contact.
His eyes were glued to me as he watched every move I made. I finally gave
in to his smiling eyes that penetrating deep into me. I smiled a little
smile, a respectful smile. I repeated the deal with the ice several times,
and on the last shovel full he held my wrist after he spit out the spoon.
"There are some things you can't lie about," Greg said, holding
onto my wrist gently but firmly.
He checked out how close my leg was to his shoulder. He knew where
my crotch was in relationship to his mouth but he ignored that, looking
straight back up at my face, by passing my best part. I still felt the
heat coming off of my desire. I thought of letting my hand rest on his
belly before I let it slip down under that knotted bit of sheet that didn't
even cover all of his pubic hair most of the time.
I knew I could just let my hand slip down on it and I'd prove to him that
he was every bit the man he always was. He might have doubts but I had
none. I could smell his manliness. I knew he hadn't completely awakened
quite yet but there would be time enough for that.
Of course we both knew I loved him. I wasn't sure he hadn't known
even before I had told him at the picnic table near the mountain house. I
remembered the way he had looked at me after he walked away from that
particular confession. There was contempt on his face for me but it was
wrapped up in something I hadn't been able to identify back then. I
thought maybe Greg loved me deep down inside but it was a love he didn't
understand and could never acknowledge beyond the confines of a bed or some
other place where we might end up having sex one day.
Greg would find it next to impossible to admit to himself that he
actually loved another man. That was against his rules. After all, he was
a man, and real men can't love other men, at least not in that way. Not in
the way I loved him. I inexplicably knew of the contradiction inside him.
I had known about it for a long time but I had refused to admit it.
Perhaps it was the source of the conflict between us. Perhaps I wasn't the
only one on the road that day that felt something stirring inside that was
born out of another boy's stare. Had he known as long as I had known? Did
he know anything except Greg?
Even though he was taking Alfie home to fuck him and even though
any number of boys satisfied his hunger for sex, he couldn't accept that
receiving was little different from giving in that arena. The rupture
between him and Kent became clear right then. It had come from the carnal
knowledge that had passed between them because Kent would dare to think it
was okay for him to do to the King what the King so eagerly did to him on
numerous occasions under identical circumstances. The fact that other boys
had bore witness to the transgression made it necessary for Greg to deny
that it ever happened.
Even though all of it made perfect sense to me before, there was
also the thought, even getting fucked could be easily enough dismissed by
the oft used phrase, "I was so drunk last night, I don't remember a thing."
Of course few boys were going to admit what they had done to you
while you were too drunk to resist them. None of the guys I had met were
that bold and then it became the secret they kept and the recipient of
their lustful advances was suddenly without sin in the matter.
Greg was the King and he, above all others, could have easily
invoked the magic words. Who would dare question the King? So, there had
to be another reason why Greg found it necessary to break off all contact
with Kent. What had he felt that all the other boys hadn't felt when he
was top dog to their eager bottoms? What was really inside of him? What
did he know and when did he know it? Why was it so easy for him to draw me
back into his life? How could he so easily cut someone out?
"Where'd you go?" He asked, shaking me back to the hospital room.
"Oh, just thinking," I said, as I put away the spoon and covered
the ice bucket with care, avoiding his eyes for fear of giving away my
questioning heart.
"You do that a lot."
"Yeah," I said. "I like knowing what I know. Some times it
requires some thought to sort it all out."
"What do you know about me?"
"I know I don't know you very well. I know I want to know you real
well. I'm just not sure I ever will," I said, returning to the chair while
trying not to deal with his question.
"Why not?" He said, trying to see inside my head. "I'm not that
bad when you get to know me."
"I don't know you'll really let me know you. I don't actually know
that you know yourself."
"What kind of crack is that? What do you want to know?" It was a
rhetorical question offered up as a peace treaty so we didn't need to dwell
on the details.
I knew there were no answers I was entitled to just then. He
certainly wasn't going to tell me what I really wanted to know about him.
Even so, it was different between us now. We were bonded in a way we
hadn't been bonded before. What that would ultimately mean I didn't know.
Yes, I waited on him hand and foot. His every wish was my command. I
loved waiting on him, making sure he had what he wanted. I was comfortable
with that as long as he was. I was the only one that sat close to his bed
and held his hand.
I watched him eat at lunch but I didn't leave to eat. I had come
late and I calculated I owed him the entire day. He left the lime jello
for me. It was the only solid food he got. I didn't eat it either. I
wondered what color it might turn if it rotted.
There was small talk and no talk and then the television mumbled on
in the background. He put on Days Of Our Lives and was actually looking at
it a couple of times when I looked at him. I liked looking out the window
at the traffic and the cars and the world that moved on beyond our little
corner of it.
I was going to ask my parents for a car, I thought. I never asked
for anything. I had done well in school the last few years. Why not ask?
All they could say was no? Yeah, I was going to ask. They'd said no
before. They'd hardly need to think about it, but it was good thinking
about making them think about me.
"You're doing it again," he said as the news came on at five.
I was doing it again. An hour had passed and I didn't have a clue
where the hell I had been or where it went. It was then, I remembered Ted,
and George, and the matchmaking mission I was on with them. I needed to
prepare Greg so he wouldn't go off on me again. My mind was still working
on what I was going say when it took care of itself as complications often
do.
"What?" I answered.
"Your impression of a space cadet. You do that so well. You might
want to work that into your job description. Star Voyager!" He quipped in
a harmless enough way.
"Oh, I was somewhere else."
"Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better and you had me thinking I
was irresistible."
"You are. I've got to go back to school next week," I said for no
reason while I was still trying to work in Ted and George.
"Don't go," he said in a sudden protest.
"Yeah, right, I'll bring my parent over and you can tell them that I need
to be by my boyfriends bed all day every day."
I said it on purpose and I wasn't sorry. He didn't say anything, but he
gave me that long hard stare that told me I was treading on thin ice.
There wasn't a clue what went on behind those eyes. I wanted to jump up
and throw a lip lock on him. He certainly couldn't fight me off.
I wanted to cover his face with passionate kisses. I wanted to make love
to him right there while he was helpless and couldn't slip my advances. I
wanted him to like me for a change, but what I got was that stare and that
cooled off the kissing idea. I could have taken him and there wasn't much
he could do about it. I had the upper hand now. We were on my dime and he
knew it too, but then I had to live with the fallout from whatever I did or
said. I still wasn't quite ready to risk the rejection that might come my
way.
"Hey! That nurse didn't seem too friendly," Ted said, sticking his head in
the room. "You ready? I'm starved. I didn't eat lunch thinking about
taking you out. I thought I'd take you across the street to the restaurant
at the American Motel. They tell me the food is great. Hi, I'm Ted. Is
this your friend. Man, what the hell happened to you?"
"Yes," I said, as Ted stuck out his hand while looking at the sheet that
was stuffed into Greg's crotch.
I could see his mind working on it, wanting it to slip away to reveal
Greg's secrets. Just what I needed, reinforcements to hold him down for
me.
"Take a picture. It'll last longer," Greg growled, ignoring the hand, but
not me.
The how dare you look came to him all at once. The cold stare turned to a
stony gaze of anger. If looks could kill, just then I would have been dead
meat. I had forgotten to remember to tell Greg about Ted and George.
Well, he was bound to find out sooner or later. I guess it was sooner.
"I can see why you spend all your time here," Ted said, looking at Greg's
stomach and chest. "He's like a captive audience. You could do anything
you want to him and he couldn't stop you."
It's not so much what he said but the evil intent he said it with. I think
Ted would have been more than happy to hold him down for me, or have me
hold him down for him. You learn more about people every day. The
All-American boy had a streak of lechery running through him but didn't we
all.
"What's he doing here?" Greg demanded, ignoring him and wanting an answer.
"You're going to bring your boyfriends up here to parade in front of my bed
to remind me I can't get it up? You can go now, Martin. Don't bother
coming back. You're a real piece of work, you know. You really piss me
off. You really do you know. You've pulled a lot of shit but this is the
worst."
The anger and hostility was back in a flash. There was no time for
explanations. Between Greg and Ted, there wasn't much time for me to get a
word in edge ways. Ted seemed unmoved by the turmoil and quite attracted
to Greg's sheet. .
"I'll leave, Greg. Give me a couple of minutes and I'll be out of your
hair," I said.
Just then I knew it was never going to change between us. I was going to
love him and he was going to find a reason to hate me. He spent a lot of
time hating me over the time I had known him. I guess I knew all along
that the inevitable was inevitable. I had never hung my heart on hoping
he'd finally see the error of his ways. Maybe it was better I hadn't
explained. Maybe we were both better off just getting out of each other's
life.
"Martin! Having a party or what?" George said, sticking his head in the
door in-between rounds. "What's happening Greg? You look good for a sick
man. Sorry I'm late. No place to park. I'll probably get a ticket. Why
the long faces? Whose he?"
"What's he doing here?" Greg exclaimed in disbelief.
I searched for the gadget with the emergency button on it so I knew where
it was in case he blew another gasket. It was time to cut my loses.
Greg was turning six shades of red as he stared at gorgeous George, who was
decked out in dress blues, wearing his white gloves with that white hat
shoved up under his armpit as he walked at attention on to center stage.
Life is totally fucked some times. Timing is everything and mine wasn't
improving with age.
Ted stared at George, George stared at Greg, and Greg stared at me
and turned even redder. I got up and hugged George, holding it for long
enough to feel him embracing me fondly. I didn't have it easy and I wasn't
going to make it easy on Greg. I knew what he thought and he'd just have
to let it unfold because I wasn't sure how it was going to go. Getting out
of there as quick as I could seemed best but first I had to finish what I
started.
"I'm going to stay with Greg. I think," I said, glancing back at
Greg as I backed up from George. "I was late this morning and I'm not
ready to leave just yet, but this is my friend Ted, and I knew you guys
would hit it off. He's looking for a good friend, George. He's anxious to
make a good friend. I thought of you. He's from Ohio."
Ted was now staring at George's exquisite face. His green fatigues
were no match for George's dress uniform but they sure did make a handsome
couple. I wanted to see their first child. He'd be a twelve for sure.
"I'm Ted," Ted said, handing George his hand as he stared.
"Yeah, that's what he said. I'm George. I was taking Martin to
dinner. How about we go? I think that's what he has in mind. He's loved
this one as far back as I can remember. We don't have a chance as long as
he's still alive and I'm afraid he looks pretty good in spite of the wear
and tear."
George ignored everyone but Ted and had his hand in the middle of
his back, trying to encourage him toward the door before the next round
broke out, I'm sure.
"He's not half bad looking," Ted said, letting his eyes go back to
the sheet between Greg's legs.
"Come on," George said. "I'm hungry. You look good enough to eat
yourself. You ever been to Cleveland, Teddy Bear?"
"I'm from Ohio," Ted said with a childish innocence as if that said it all.
"I've never been to Cleveland. Why don't you tell me all about it."
Ted smiled and in no time they were gone and the room got very quiet. I
moved back to the window and looked out.
"I guess it's always going to be like this," I said. "I can't deal with
it, Greg. I want to be here for you but you're going to make it
impossible, and I'm tired of pissing you off all the time. I'm really
tired. I'll go because you asked me to go. You just remember it wasn't my
idea. I want you to remember there is no next time. This was it. I
wanted to make sure you were okay. You're okay. You don't need me any
more."
I didn't want him to see the tears. I would turn away from the bed to
leave so he couldn't see the tears. I didn't want to look at him because
that might slow me down long enough to change my mind. He couldn't keep
pushing me away and expecting that I'd come back every time. He had to
know that sooner or later would come the last insult and the final
argument.
I headed for the door.
"Don't leave me," he said with a hitch in his voice. "I thought they
were...."
"I know what you thought. How could I explain it to you? I knew what I
was doing. They both want to get serious and I've got my hands full with
you for the time being," I said. "This was the easiest way to get them
together."
I stood with my hand on the door, hanging on his words.
"Time being? What about after the time being?" He asked, and I looked at
him as I opened the door.
"I can't keep doing this, Greg. I love you enough to walk away. There's
no point in me aggravating you all the time."
"I'll be good. I promise. I just thought...."
"I don't know, Greg. You'll just find something else to be pissed off
about."
"I won't. If I don't will you stay? Just give me a few more minutes.
Don't leave right now. That nurse is going to come in with my dinner. You
can protect me," he said with a coy smile and a luster in his eyes as if he
knew he had me back on the hook and there was really no escaping him once
he turned on the charm.
"That's up to you. I'm here. I could be anywhere I want to be. I'm here.
You tell me when to go but the next time you tell me like that... I'm gone
for good."
"I don't know why I do that," he was suddenly explaining. "I just
go off when you... when I.... I don't know what I mean. When I wake up
and you aren't there, I'm scared. I feel so alone. Just don't leave me,
okay? Not right now."
"I'm here," I said, sitting back in the chair and curling my
fingers into his.
I kissed the back of his hand and each finger before pulling it over to rub
it on my cheek. He was all smiles as he watched me love him.
Then I noticed there were tears in his eyes. I'm sure there were
still tears in mine. He had been to hell and back and for the time being
he was mine. There was no telling how long that would last or if, as he
grew stronger, he'd no longer need me as much or at all.
Right now I was all he had and that suited me fine. Tomorrow would
take care of itself. It always did.
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