pre-nups..yay or nay

June kicks off a gorgeous time of year. As the temperature rises, the bikinis come out, and many of us long for some carefree fun in the sun. But thousands of women aren't dreaming of a mojito-fuled beach party. Their minds are set on something a bit more life altering. June is Bridal Season. Excited brides-to-be are about to embark on the journey of a lifetime -- envisioning love, happiness, and starting a family with the perfect man. But something ominous often lurks on the edge of bridal bliss: the prenuptial agreement.

If your husband-to-be is of substantial means, he may surprise you by slipping a beautiful engagement ring on your left hand while simultaneously slapping a prenuptial agreement in your right. This unexpected presentation of a "prenup" always provides a highly charged emotional challenge for any dreamy-eyed bride-to-be. Dealing with the reality of a divorce settlement before you are even married is gut-wrenching, and frequently triggers a bride to head for the exit door instead of the altar.

There is no need for a prenup to scare you out of a wedding dress. You can use it to your advantage, but you have to understand what you are signing and why you are doing it. Most young brides are years away from fully understanding this negotiation, and many don't realize that a prenup can be a positive thing. A husband-to-be is more likely to be generous when he is head-over-heels in love than he might be down the line if he falls out of love with you, and takes off on a lifetime retreat with his yoga instructor.

Here are a couple things to remember. First of all, distance yourself from fighting with your fiance over this agreement. Have a very experienced attorney review the documents and advise you through the negotiations. Keep in mind that you are entering into a partnership, and what you bring to this marital merger is perhaps not economic power, but is equally important in creating and raising a family. You are negotiating a financial agreement not only for yourself, but also for your future children. What you agree to now may later turn out to be what you and your children have to live with (or without) in the future. Make sure that the economic terms of the post-marriage lifestyle agreement are acceptable in the event that you and your children are on your own. You don't want to devote the best years of your life to your marriage and family, then find yourself and your children financially disrespected -- living in hardship -- while your ex-husband lives the high life with his new replacement wife and family.

Another twist to consider: prenups can protect your finances. A Cornell University study found that men who earn less than their wives are five times more likely to cheat. As a relationship coach, I am seeing an increasing number of cheating husbands who don't (or won't) work. Some of these sorry excuses for men are suing not only for spousal support, but going after sole physical custody of the children (because their wives have to work) in order to collect the maximum amount of child support. Losing custody of the kids to a deadbeat playboy is the last thing any professional woman expected when she got married. A prenup can safeguard a woman's bankbook as well as her children's futures. Modern women have so much to consider!

Although more women than ever are out-earning men (a changing dynamic I discuss in my book The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper) a simple fact remains: When it comes to prenups, it's usually women on the receiving end. The bottom line ladies? Never sell your soul. And don't give it away either.

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Maria - posted on 06/18/2012

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I wish I had done a prenup. I'm an only child so naturally everything from my parents came to me. When my parents died, I received their house in the estate which we sold. When I divorced five years later, my ex took more than half of that money claiming he was "owed it" because we were married at the time. I know it appears too business like but we must protect ourselves .

I am total support of prenups. If I was the breadwinner of the family, I would want my money safeguarded just in case--not just for me but for my children and their future. I have seen a few friends go through divorce where it has turned into a fight about money and then the poor children suffer because thier parents bicker so brutally with each other. I use to see it as an insult to the other person, but as I grown older and seen the struggles divorce brings upon a family, I realized that had their been a prenup, most of the emotional turmoil could have been sidestepped. I don't think divorce is ever a possibility to anyone when they get married--everyone wants the lifetime, but realistically forever doesn't happen for some couples. Why not be prepared for anything that could happen...if not for yourself, but for your children?

As a young couple with little or no assets or property, I can see why many people don't want or need a pre-nup. But I am about to retire and possibly remarry. We both own properties (in different states) and have many assets, but those would not be our reasons for a pre-nup. Despite his age in the mid-60's, he still has young children he financially and socially supports. After the death of his spouse, the kids went to live with another family who has adopted/foster them. He has no legal custody, but that doesn't stop him from seeing them every weekend and one night a week, and paying for many of their medical/dental/educational bills in addition to paying un-court-ordered child support. Obviously, I would want to allow that wonderful good will to continue while he is alive and for as long as I am not financially impacted on his death should he predecease me. So, in our case, a pre-nup would be appropriate to allay any of his concerns.

I really think it depends on the situation. IF my husband and I were to end our marriage ad down the road wanted to remarry then yeah I probally would have a Prenup. Not because I am not dedicated but to protect my children in the future I have work my ass off to be where I am finacially and over my dead body would a mman take half. I would be willing to do half when it came to the money made during the marriage but he will leave with what he came into the marriage with.

I gues it is becauseI have worked for so long to get where I am that I am not willing to give it up. I also look at the relationships in the media that fall apart When someone has been in the public's eye for 30+ years and is maried to someone for 6 years they don't deserve have of everything they have earned in that 30 years. In most cases prenups aren't necessary but when someone is well off they don't want to lose it. over a marriage that you are planning on the rest of your life but may fall apart in a year.

Wow never thought about that. I always thought to ask for a prenup was a sure sign it'll end in divorce. For me I wont marry a man unless I'm 100% committed to them and sure of them so why would I set up 'in case' it goes sour if I'm not sure then I shoudln't be saying I do. I mean it's I do for a reason, not um I think I do but in case we don't...

This post puts it in a different light though so maybe a prenup can be a positive thing.