Why Wives Cheat

It started as a short post on Twitter. It picked up steam when it automatically appeared on my Facebook account. I wrote,

“As I work with marriages hurt by an affair, by far there are more where the wife was unfaithful. I think I know why. Love to hear your ideas.”

The ideas came. Lots of them. Allow me to share a couple.

From guys…

“Men are not in tune to the emotional needs of a woman. Plus, a lot of men are working too much to make ends meet. The woman finds an attentive man elsewhere (who is inattentive to his family – dog chasing tail scenario).”

“Well, this is coming from a single guy so I may be least qualified to answer but I’ll try – maybe it’s because guys tend to put their focus on so many other things like career, sports teams, hobbies, etc. and just want their wives to always be there for them when they want them to be there. If the woman isn’t getting the emotional and spiritual connection she wants from her husband, maybe she’ll look elsewhere, even if it’s only in someone who is only going to offer it temporarily. The Devil will capitalize.”

From gals…

“Some women get tired of being downgraded, unappreciated, abused, having their children neglected or in fear…no I’m not having an affair. There is no way…no way I would ever get married again if I could ever get out of this! I’m also so tired of the extreme selfishness!”

“Some straying women are due to the fact that they didn’t have a relationship with their own father. The father was present, but he was an abuser and unfaithful to his wife. There is a real connection with a girl growing up without a good role model. There is a void in the young girl’s life that can’t seem to be filled with just one person…Sad, but so true for so many. Good news is that our Lord can change this flaw and stable, true relationship can be attained. It just takes some effort and a LOT of leaning on God to get you through.”

These quotes generally represent the comments received. Note that the guys quoted believe a wife’s infidelity roots in being ignored, unfulfilled, and taken for granted. However, the women quoted believe it is not just being ignored, but actually being mistreated that is the root of the problem.

A few misunderstood my abbreviated post to indicate that more wives are unfaithful than husbands. I didn’t mean to imply that about the general population; instead, I was saying that in my workshops we see more couples in which the wife has been unfaithful. Maybe more husbands convince their wives to come to the workshop than wives are able to convince their husbands. We do not know why we have more couples in that situation, but we do have insight into why the straying wives that attend were unfaithful.

Three Kinds of Affairs

Short-lived affairs include affairs of opportunity (wrong place, wrong time), experimentation or pleasure seeking (“surely God will forgive me if I just try this once to see what it’s like”), self-esteem (wanting validation either as a person or as a lover), revenge (payback), acting out (rebellion), sexual addiction, and more. Wives in short-lived affairs seldom develop a feeling of love for their affair partner, and usually want to continue their marriages. In some types of short-lived affairs, there will be a number of partners over time.

Allowed affairs are those in which the husband and wife mutually agree to and actively practice liaisons outside their marriage. (Approximately 2% of America’s 55 million marriages.)

Relationship affairs begin as friendships, usually innocent, and grow into deep emotional connections. This type affair is the most difficult to help a marriage overcome. As in short-live affairs the offended spouse feels rejected and betrayed, but the added dimension of the offending spouse being “in love” with the paramour drives the pain much deeper and makes the affair even more damaging.

Why Wives Cheat

Motivations and causes of short-lived affairs differ. Sometimes it is an opportunity affair, the proverbial one-night-stand that never will be repeated, and the unfaithful person is saturated in guilt. Sometimes there are serial adulterers that go from one situation to another. Peter wrote about some of these in 2 Peter 2:14, “With eyes full of adultery, they never stop sinning; they seduce the unstable; they are experts in greed—an accursed brood!” Others are damaged, wounded people that cannot find peace within. They try to cover their pain by self-medicating with sensuality. (Ephesians 4:19) For example, earlier I quoted a lady that felt that some women’s unfaithfulness stems from the bad relationship they had with their fathers. She said, “There is a void in the young girl’s life that can’t seem to be filled with just one person.”

Motivations and causes of relationship affairs tend to be similar. John Gottman of the University of Washington’s Love Lab states that they are about seeking friendship, understanding, and validation. Researchers Jacobson and Christensen wrote, “They are about getting the acceptance that [the unfaithful person feels] is missing in the marriage.” The gentlemen quoted earlier expressed similar conclusions. Based on my experience with thousands of couples, I concur. A short-lived or allowed affair is primarily about sex, or at least sex is the primary factor employed even if the motivation is emotional or psychological. However, in relationship affairs, sex is not the purpose of the affair. It is a consequence, not the goal.

What Makes Wives Vulnerable?

Obviously, what I’ve written extrapolates to unfaithful husbands, but there seems to be something different about wives that cheat. Husbands become vulnerable, as do wives, by being ignored, disrespected, and taken for granted. However, when a husband transparently communicates his emptiness or loneliness to his wife, without condemnation or attack, wives seem more likely to respond positively to correct the situation. On the other hand, when a wife transparently communicates those emotions to her husband, it appears that most husbands discount the importance of her comments, claim that everything is just fine, and then do little or nothing to rectify the situation. (Ample exceptions exist, of course.) Many women come to our workshop very much in love with another man, angry with and distant from their husbands. Almost universally, they communicated their unhappiness to their husbands early on, were ignored, and gradually drifted into a relationship with another man that fulfilled emotional needs. Only then did the husband see that he was losing his wife and desperately convinced her to try one last effort to save the marriage.

As indicated by the women’s comments at the beginning, there is also often another difference in a husband’s vulnerability and a wife’s vulnerability. My experience with thousands indicates that many more women receive emotional, psychological, or physical abuse from their husbands than do husbands from wives. (Yes, it does happen the other way around.) Added to that, wives tend to internalize a husband’s perceived mistreatment of children and respond by distancing themselves emotionally from their husbands.

As more women entered the workforce, the number of wives involved in extramarital affairs increased. Primarily, that resulted from exposure to other males. But it isn’t just the workplace. As women became more involved in church activities, they developed more friendships with men other than their husbands. When the Internet proliferated, even more opportunities presented themselves, especially in chat rooms. Now that millions of people populate social networking sites such as Facebook, opportunities abound. A vulnerable spouse encountering an old flame online sets up a situation that often leads to disaster. We see couples in that situation at our workshop every month.

None of this makes adultery acceptable. Sin is sin. However, understanding the underlying causes for relationship affairs offers both a warning and a solution.

The Warning

If your wife tells you that she is unhappy, unfulfilled, lonely, empty, or anything similar, take it seriously. Ignore it and we’ll likely see you at one of our workshops in the future.

Better yet, pay attention to your marriage before it goes bad or, if already bad, before it gets worse. If you mistreat each other, vulnerability occurs. If you ignore each other, vulnerability occurs. Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean infidelity, but it usually constitutes the first step.

Read a good relationship book together. I’d be honored if you read mine, it’s called The Art of Falling in Love. Additionally, many couples go to at least one marriage event per year. That’s very wise. Click here to get more information about our marriage workshop.

The Solution

If your marriage is already in trouble, understanding how it got that way provides a path to repair and renew love. We call it the LovePath. It demonstrates how people fall in love, fall out of love, sometimes fall in love with someone else, and how to fall in love again with one’s spouse. Falling in love is a process. Follow the process and you fall in love whether you mean to or not. Vacate or violate the process and you fall out of love whether you mean to or not. The reason that the phrase “fall in love” exists is that most people have no idea that a process exists, and, as a result, have no clue what such a process might be. It pays to learn it and follow it.

Often a couple comes though Marriage Helper 911, our workshop for couples in crisis, because one of the spouses (yes, in our workshop it is most often the wife) is involved deeply with someone else. Every month we witness that situation as well as other destructive marriage problems such as addiction, boredom, frustration, anger, sexual disharmony, financial stress, and the like. Typically the person in love with another comes either because of guilt or to appease someone pressuring them, such as a pastor or parent. The good news is that as we work through the intense three days, our success rate over the last decade is that three out of four couples will work out their situation and remain together. We help both spouses comprehend the underlying causes that got them into their current situation, the future each will have if they continue on their present course, and how to change course so that each of them will find true fulfillment.

We’ve proven that a marriage can be saved even if one is madly in love with someone else, and even if neither spouse wants to be at our workshop to save the marriage. Just as one or both spouses followed a path that destroyed the marriage, a path exists to heal the marriage.

Conclusion

Most women never stray, no matter how bad their marriages.

Some women forsake their marriage vows primarily because the husband isn’t physically there, like when a husband is stationed in Iraq. Those women typically don’t leave because of relationship problems; they leave because of selfish desires.

Most wives that stray do so because they were vulnerable and didn’t build boundaries to prevent themselves from connecting emotionally with another. They usually aren’t bad people, though they are doing a bad thing. We can either cast them out, or try to rescue them.

If you love a good person doing a bad thing, I pray that you do everything you can to save the marriage. If you allow, we will help. If not us, then please find someone.

If your marriage is in danger of separation or divorce, call us at (866) 903-0990 to speak with someone or use the form below to request more information about our Marriage Helper 911 workshop for troubled marriages. Our success rate over the last decade is saving three out of four marriages, even when adultery, porn, anger, or other things have deeply hurt the relationship! (If you’re thinking your spouse would never come, contact us by phone or the form below and we’ll tell you what others who felt the same way did to get their spouses there.) We will keep everything you tell us completely confidential. Our motivation is to help you determine if this workshop is right for your particular situation. We also offer solutions for couples who can’t attend the workshop.

If you and your spouse cannot attend a Marriage Helper 911 weekend or your spouse refuses to get any marriage help, there is still hope. Check out our Save My Marriage Course – where you’ll learn how to bring your spouse back to the marriage. Click the banner below to find out more about it.

7 thoughts on “Why Wives Cheat”

I am a newlywed as of September 10, 2014. I got married and my husband cheated twice. He told me lies and kept secrets. I was depressed so I retaliated as he created more wounds before I can even heal from the first offence. He is a former pimp, I am a former whore, but we both accepted Jesus as our Lord in Savior prior to our marriage. As a result of his guilt or pride for his own disloyalty towards our relationship, he physically, verbally, and mentally abused me. I retaliated by beating on him and threatening to cheat back, but I did not carry out the physical act, but I cheated mentally. He did it mentally and physically. Now, I met a different man who is willing to treat me better, I told him about the situation, and he does not drink alcohol like my husband does. He does not go to church, but me and my husband have, yet my husband beat me, lied to me, and cheated on me and he is supposed to be a minister or pastor. There is more to the story, but this is crazy! I came into this relationship with good intentions, a pure heart, and clean hands. But, my husband treated me like a strange woman instead of a wife. Now, my husband is changing for the better after all the hurt he caused me first. But, now I am falling in love with the other man who understands, respects, and makes me better.

Second, it is one thing to be unsure about your marriage and worried about the future of your marriage, but it is a whole other thing to be falling in love with someone else at the same time. This other man who knows that you are married will not stick around long. We see it many, many times with couples that we work with. Everyone says that their situation is different, but it is always the same. Once the marriage is over and you are ready to create a life with him, he will move on.

As for your husband, if you believe that he is truly a good man who has done some bad things, then there is hope. Just as God forgives us and gives us second chances, so should we. However, if you do not feel safe, do not truly believe that he has changed (without being biased and thinking about your current lover), then that is a different situation to assess. If your husband is willing to work on the marriage and attend our MarriageHelper911 workshop, then it’s worth making it work. We work with pastors and ministers often.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and for 4 1/2 of those years was the most rewarding and full filing years of my life and I’m very great full to her for that, but since we have spiraled out of control and two things made it so much worse. I work in the oil field so I’m away from home 4-6 at a time. Then I got laid off…. that’s when I became aware of her ex and her having a emotional affair and they were pretty good at hiding it but it’s not hard to find everything that’s been hidden. When I knew for a fact it was happening I asked her 4 times what I had done not hinting that I knew, then I confronted her and him. She blew her top like a atomic bomb and put all blame on me. Scott on the other hand said she has always done this as long as he has known her. She denied it and to this day still denies it. He won’t even stay on the same street I’m standing on. Move forward 2 years. I have become the source for all it and I’m to blame as said threw her mouth and I’m very sure I have some part of it is my doing. I took counseling for this she refused. I am completely shut out emotionally and when we do have sexual contact she faces away or covers her head. She says Scott no longer lives in the area and is supposed to live in another state. We don’t fight anymore but we both see the hurt and frustration in eachother. I try to regain the intimacy desire and passion and to begin to recover and heal from this. She flat out refuses to admit to any wrong doing on her part, it’s all in my head according to her. Where I have major major issues is the fact she refuses to admit to anything at all, the fact that she was busted red handed and knows it still denies it all. If she could show some remorse I would not be fixing to leave. I’m more than struggling with this I’m drowning from it.everythi g else the anger, blame, lack of communication cause she refuses to talk about this like it will just go away and it wont. I know I have failed her somewhere and some how and I don’t see it because I don’t have the whole picture. She gives no intimacy no bonding gives no leeway for anything no passion desire. Just a cold empty and hurtful marriage, so yes I’m on the precipice of leaving. I do love my wife and she is a great woman but because this is still robbing both of us from what once was a story book marriage to a nitemare. I never believed that love could be like in the old movies but threw her I got to have that if only for a brief moment. I owe it to her and myself to do everything I can God willing to give her that back. So in closing I’m lost and hopeless and sinking fast and the only option I see is to completely walk away and if I do I know me ill never let her into my life in any way I’ll never be in the same room with her if I leave because I will stay singal and no one will get a chance

I was married almost 6 years. After our first year my wife had an affair that lasted 4 months where she moved 1500 miles away to be with an ex boyfriend. She begged for me to come back and was a changed woman for 4 years. My now ex-wife is in a relationship affair again. I tried everything to save the marriage and I even made the divorce have consequences. She has told me that I’m a great man, was a good husband, and amazing father but she was not in love with me anymore. She lied and lied until I found out about the OM. I found out about him in February, they had been talking since November 2015. When I found out she decided she was done, she filed in March. I hired a lawyer to protect me and make sure I would get 50/50 custody of my child. She fought me at first and was angry, but then decided to agree to my terms. We were divorced this week. I have told her from the beginning that I will not give up on her and did not want the divorce. How do I save a marriage when I’m divorced and she is in a relationship with her affair partner, even bringing our daughter around her. I keep everything civil and am strictly working on myself and helping my 2 year old daughter. Is there any advice or hope? Do I move on, but leave a door open or does that defeat the purpose of moving on ?

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