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CAMBRIDGE, MA — As the overcast weeks of just-below freezing temperatures begin to blur together, area student Joseph Peterson ’20 realized that he only experiences the passing of time through the expiration of Harvard Key Login’s “Remember Me for 30 Days” option for Two-Step Verification.

The hat-wearing, backwards-walking, Boston-accent-affecting minds behind the Hahvahd Tours have updated their route to include a stop at Counseling and Mental Health Services, aiming to more accurately represent student life at Harvard.

Former New York Times executive editor and current Harvard professor Jill Abramson has been accused of plagiarism by multiple sources for passages in her new book, Merchants of Truth. Here are some of the passages in question:

After getting totally shafted at your Google interview, you decided to enroll in CS 124, Data Structures and Algorithms. But surprise, surprise, you are woefully unprepared! Now your only hope is to mooch pset answers off of your more knowledgeable classmates.

Luckily, you have N friends in the class. But don’t get your hopes up yet. Only M of your friends have the mathematical maturity to finish the pset, and only K of your friends can program in one of C, C++, Java, OCaml, or Python. You, of course, can do neither.

I saw Kanye’s epic gift for Kim this Valentine’s day and it really inspired me. I feel like I am the Kanye of Harvard’s class of 2021. Though I am a white male from Scarsdale, New York who wears khaki pants with sneakers and socks that go up uncomfortably high, I just feel the spirit of the rap god Yeezy flow through me. This makes you my Kim, even though you technically haven’t agreed to be my girlfriend and we’ve only hooked up twice. Kim and Kanye had a similar beginning, I believe.

Few undergraduates at Harvard can say that they’ve been to the Harvard Art Museums. Fewer still take classes there every day. Even fewer can say that they have gone to the museums specifically to defecate within the same walls that exhibit the greats of Impressionism, Abstract Expressionism, and ancient Tupperware bearing the likenesses of goofy critters. That’s why the brave investigative journalists here at Satire Vlyby collaborated with Crimson Arts to take a deep dive into the scatological secrets buried within the Fogg, Busch-Reisinger, and Arthur M.

In our social media-driven age, people are so used to broadcasting every little activity they do to the entire world. That’s fine, but when it comes to romance and intimacy, the particulars should stay private. Call me old fashioned, but I just think some things aren’t meant to be shared. So if we hook up, you can trust that no one's going to know the graphic details besides you, me, and my four roommates.

Harvard’s Introduction to Screenwriting class will now ask applicants to provide a 3-5 screenplay sample, proof of at least two Oscar nominations, and an acceptance letter proving they were the first woman cast to perform for Hasty Pudding Theatricals.

The class’s professor explained that this decision was made so that the class could maintain its intimate, seminar setting.

Students, welcome to the Fall 2018 final exam for ER 18: Classical Chinese Ethical and Political Theory. We hope that the course has taken you on a spiritual and educational journey down the long-winding roads of Chinese philosophy. We had a record high in lecture attendance, averaging 6% of the 740 total enrollees present per lecture, including 3% of undergrads. It's that passion that keeps me excited to teach you all every year.