The Faith, Love and Politics of Raising Boys to Men

On the Outside Looking In

Growing up, riding the yellow school bus to school, I loved those dark mornings, passing houses, seeing a warm glow coming from a few windows – and I would imagine families in there, families with a mom, a dad and children. I was. . .

on the outside looking in.

Growing up in my grandmother’s house – with my mom, my brother and I, a special occasion house that became everyday home, a home with very fond memories, where my grandmother taught me to play bridge, to make my own amusement and to stand up for what I believe. I knew if I could stand up to her when we disagreed about important things to me – then I could stand up to anybody. But I was not hers. I was not my grandfather’s. “You don’t know what it’s like to lose your mother,” my mom said at her funeral. . . . But it felt like I had. . . . a heart can have more than one person mother-love you, can’t it? I was . . .

on the outside looking in.

My dad lived 15 minutes away. I didn’t see him much until I learned to drive. I took him a book of my poems, my heart and soul. When I went back a few weeks later, I asked him how he liked them. “I didn’t read them. The print was too small,” he said, his glasses beside him. I didn’t feel imprinted on the inside of his heart. I was . . .

on the outside looking in.

Going to Catholic school, when I took my First Communion – I gave my life to the Lord. If you can’t find God in your church, maybe it’s because you don’t need Him or aren’t looking for Him. This broken little girl found him. I so needed. . . and sometimes found solace praying in church during recess, learned how to pray from books about Christians on fire for Jesus, like St. Teresa of Lisieux who taught me how to pray – but I couldn’t understand how Jesus could love me like He loved Peter, James and John. I was . . .

on the outside looking in.

I didn’t realize I was on the outside looking in. It was my life. Being on the inside was not my experience.

But I know I wanted a life outside of dysfunction.

I made a lot of not choices – not going out just to have a good time, not throwing away my innocence, not partying – the risks were just too great. If I wanted to climb out of dysfunction, then I had to choose a lot of not going to. . .

I prayed that God would show me the right man so my children would never feel they were on the outside looking in as they drove to school. So my children would know they were imprinted on their father’s heart.

Behavior choices weren’t enough, though. Behavior choices didn’t fix brokenness. Works don’t heal. Knowing who I am to the Father – that heals wounds, fixes brokenness – that was the missing key to opening the door to the inside.

I don’t remember when I finally realize that Jesus loves me as much as Peter, James and John. I was about 35 years old – but it was a liberating day, a soaring day – my ignorance had kept me out of the inner circle of my Father – not something someone else had done – just my lack of knowledge. While good choices can make a good life, good choices didn’t put me on the inside – only God’s great love for me pulled me from the outside into His inner circle. I am His. I am . . .

on the inside

I am imprinted on His heart.
My poems are not scripted too small for Him to read.
He has a room for me with a warm glow in the morning in His house.
I am His daughter, His beloved daughter.

“In a desert land he found him,
in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
he guarded him as the apple of his eye” (Deut. 32:10)

While people might set me on the outside, the Father wants me inside His house, His family. He calls me with urgency inside, grasps me with His unconditional-love grip, wraps my raw hurts with His Holy Spirit comfort. I am on the inside circle of the Father’s family – and He wants me there – on the inside. . . .

looking out

looking out to pull others in
because His children weren’t created for the outside
we are not created to keep people out
to make them feel outsiders

I never want anyone to feel like they are on the outside looking in

“What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we’re called children of God! That’s who we really are. But that’s also why the world doesn’t recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he’s up to. 2-3But friends, that’s exactly who we are: children of God. And that’s only the beginning. Who knows how we’ll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we’ll see him—and in seeing him, become like him” (1 John 3:1-2)

Keeping out those that cross our path, that we’ve been called to relationship with, whether it is in the church, in a family, in a community, well, then, we aren’t loving as Christ loved us, if we make our siblings in Christ, our brothers and sisters in Christ, stand on the outside of our love, our friendship, our hearts. That also goes for those siblings who think they’re orphans, who don’t know they’re the Fathers – the Father wants us to pull them into His inner circle, too.

29 Responses

Incredible post! God has been whispering the word unity across my heart, and the whisper is becoming a shout! The same unity Jesus has with the Father he purchased for us. That’s powerful! To be one with the Father, Son and Spirit is more than I can grasp. And for that unity to be reflected in our relationships with our siblings, knitted together in heart, is huge. I love the concept of moving from outside looking in to being on the inside.

I was one of those “outside looking in kids” too, living in the midst of dysfunction and trying to discover what normal is. Until I met Jesus and began following Him, did I know what living on the inside really meant. I also have great compassion for those who find themselves on the fringes. Blessings!

You are so right. The Christian’s job is to be welcoming to all. Easier said than done for me, but it seems you have struck that balance. And it was because you have “felt on the outside.” Funny how God redeems those painful things in our lives and uses them to shine through us with beautiful color!

oh friend i would have read that book of poetry inside and out… you write so, so beautifully. and my heart aches for your father who never took the opportunity to get to know his beautiful daughter. and it aches for you, and i’m so very thankful you found a man and a God who welcomed you in.

thank you, so much, for all of your words of advice and for all of your prayers. i’m soaking them up, friend. you are so wise… bless you, always. e.

My heart ached for you that your father didn’t read your poems, and your sorrow at the loss of a beloved grandmother.
So delighted to read how you know God’s love imprinted inside your heart and the love of a faithful husband and father to your sons. Also love how you are reaching out to others so they can also experience God’s love. Great post!

Dear Mary Leigh,
This is so precious. Your heart is beautiful. You ARE on the inside!!!! And I am so thankful to be blessed by the words of your testimony. May He continue to restore to you the years the locust have eaten as if they were never missed. May your heart continue to expand, holding more and more of that Love that is for yours because you are His. Thank you so much for linking up!! Thank you for you!!

Hi Blue Cotton Memory – such a heart felt post, its amazing how the devil manages to keep us trapped in lies because of how others around us are not able to love the way we need to be loved. It is liberating when God’s love and acceptance of us becomes real to us. Great post. thank you for linking it up on Winsome Wednesday.
God bless
Tracy

Your post touched my heart. It is so sad what a dad can do to their children and often through apathy. I’m glad you had the influence of your grandmother. I find it amazing how people get saved despite religion! So glad you found out that works won’t do it. It may have taken you until you were 35 years old to truly realize how much God loves you …but you did and amen to that.

As others have said, I say my heart aches as well. Reminds me of a story I’ve had on the back burner forever. I’m so glad you know there’s room for you on the inside, besides the Heart of heaven, in the hearts of those who know you. Touching post as always. Love you!