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May 06, 2009

General Uselessness

Before I start discussing happenings on today's General Hospital(spoiler: it's rage-y and curse-y!), I want to thank everyone for being patient and indulging the craziness of our real lives that occasionally get in the way of posting, and to thank everyone who emailed and Facebook messaged me filling me in on the highs and lows (mostly lows) of daytime and urging me not to drop out of school and become a hobo. You are sweet squared and you put a huge smile on my face.

Speaking of huge smiles:

I don't want to get into a 'shipper war or anything, but if Lucky and Liz reuniting over the course of six minutes with no buildup, no sense and no good writing makes Cameron that happy, who am I to complain about it?

He is THE BEST.

My heart is prematurely breaking for what is sure to be a huge decrease in Cam sightings once Lucky and Liz are inevitably backburnered like they always are.

My heart is also breaking, BTW, over what this show has done to me. I like to consider myself a fairly eloquent person. And I love words! I especially love using a dozen words when I could probably make my point with three, and I also love long run-on sentences, so there are many times when I write a sentence that should really be three paragraphs and perhaps that is not proper English, but whatever, that's for squares. The problem is that GH robs me of my ability to use words and I spend entire episodes either silent and stony-faced, shocked and gaping like a simpleton, or making noises that are part curse/part wretch/part gasp.

Let's just put it out there, okay: Luke cheated on Laura. And "the timing works" for him to be a plausible candidate in the "Who's Ethan's Daddy and, Perhaps More Importantly, Does Anyone Care?" contest. That means, based on Lucky's astute observation that Ethan is around Lulu's age, that Luke either cheated on Laura while they were on the run and, you know, happy together, or right around the time when Lulu was born and dying.

Does Bob Guza wake up in the morning and say, "You know, I've ruined this show's history but I haven't ruined it ENOUGH. What else can I do? I've already killed practically all of the Quartermaine-y whosawhatsis, so what now? I KNOW! Let me take the legacy of Luke and Laura and pour gasoline all over it, then set fire to it and cackle maniacally, all in the name of SHOCKINGNESS and EDGINESS and a MARBLE-MOUTHED RANDOM AUSTRALIAN DUDE. Because I am Bob Guza! There was no Luke Spencer until I reinvented Luke Spencer! I don't believe in non-Sonny and non-Jason sacred cows! Choke on THAT, Genie Francis!"

I mean, really: Luke cheating on Laura. And pretty much being like "I know I'm a douche, but since I'm admitting to being a douche, you can't get mad at me for being a douche, douche" about it when Lucky had the nerve to be outraged that his father cheated on his mother. And then comparing this random Australian maybe-brother to the Nikolas situation? Double you tee eff?

And this moment, from yesterday's show, in one of GH's many "Ethan, you rule/Lucky, you suck" scenes:

Luke: You know, [Lucky's] pretty messed up, really. This uptight, upright citizen thing doesn't suit him. He was not raised to be a cop raising other people's children.And one day, I'm afraid he's going to wake up and realize that he's caught in a dead-end life.

REALLY? I hope when Cam is done doing his "Yay, my mom and dad are back together" happy dance that he decides to take a walk over to the Haunted Star (you know he could find it by himself) andgive Luke a "Bitch, please" of epic proportions, and let Ethan know he's got a target on his back because SERIOUSLY.

I am nearly a month into my official hatred of Luke Spencer, which is one of the sadder sentences I've ever typed, and, at this point, I just want to know what the purpose of it is. Because it's not entertaining, it's not well written and it seems to just be a way for the powers-that-be to tell the audience to suck it and you know, I'd rather the writers just do that literally rather than figuratively. Yes, it would be jarring at first to hear the actors break character and say "blah blah blah, suck it", but wouldn't you prefer that tothe systematic destruction of a daytime legend and the sick thrill you know Guza gets from completely changing Luke's character and pissing all over the show's history?

Soul-killing in a different way is the continuing adventures of Nikolas and Rebecca of The N.Y.C. Makeup Shelf At CVS. It depresses me with its boringness. We actually watched them paint a room today. Thrilling! At one point, when Nikolas was very carefully painting one particular part of the room, I was afraid we were in for a long montage set to some caterwauling, folksy song. I also thought it was in slow motion, but that is neither here nor there. And also, can you imagine what would happen if the writers approached their job with the care and attention to detail that Nikolas approached that wall?

Then there was the hilarious part when Nikolas pulled a muscle moving Rebecca's dresser and she said she'd fix it.

Rebecca: Lie down and take your clothes off.

Cut to the door closed and what sounds like sex noises...except it was really just a massage. Oh, the wacky shenanigans! The zaniness never stops with these two!

I am also really bored with Nikolas's repeated insistences that he is not obsessed with Rebecca because she looks like Emily (joking about how you are a creepy stalker does not make you any less of a creepy stalker, Nik).

Nikolas: I like you for you, not because you look like her.

I wish someone would follow that up with, "Really? What is the "you" you like her for? She has literally no redeeming qualities. What on earth could you possibly like about her? The cheap Rizzo imitation? The pounds of eye makeup?"

Spinelli and Maxie's estrangement is deadly dull and during my furious soap catching up this week, I pretty much paid no attention to it. Like, it was on, and I knew it was on, and I was like, "Oh, there's Maxie and Spinelli" and yet I can't even do a decent recap of any of their scenes because I just tune out.

I was all set to do the same in today's episode until Lulu entered.

That is a whole lot of cleavage, and the dress was super short. It was mesmerizing. I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction which could have happened easily if Julie Marie Berman did anything crazy like sit down or move her arm. I think that may be the only thing that could make me pay attention to this storyline!

Liz: Giving [Jake] up was the most selfless thing any father could do.

To be fair, selfless and selfish do sound similar...

Question: what has Laura Wright done to become even more fabulous and gorgeous lately and how do I go about doing the same?

She looks amazing.

More GH thoughts to come, including the continuing horrors of Sonny and Claudia, the unbearable pointlessness of Olivia, my dread over the summer of the SORAS and the entertainment value in Two Hot Doctors and A Little Baby!

Comments

I am unoriginal with my feelings about this, but when will Guza and Phelps be fired? It's exhausting to hate a show so much. I can't believe I used to run home from school everyday and schedule classes around this show. WTF? I am angry.

Thank You Genie Francis and Jonathan Jackson!!! That is the WHOLE POINT of all of this!! WE ARE NOT STUPID AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING ABOUT THE STORIES OF THIS SHOW. I may soon stop watching, but my memories will serve me well after this show is cancelled.

I'm really starting to worry. . . I want so badly for the characters that I love[d] to do something that makes sense. . .why won't the writers write that? Is that asking too much? Just take a look at some boards and pick something. . .anything that isn't fly in the face idiotic! How hard can it be?

"I was afraid we were in for a long montage set to some caterwauling, folksy song."OMG you made this happen, only it had beer and a paint fight! over the song and the painting montage. This show is asstastic!

I can't believe you missed the episode last week, where eye shadow Emily made that weird creepy face/grin at Elizabeth when she was calling her a "little snip".
She also did that little lunge forward move. Creepy indeed.

I actually do want Spinelli and Maxie to reunite, but dude, if the boy I loved kept telling me he loved me and maybe someday could be attracted to me if he tried, I'd be doing the same thing as him. I don't want Spinelli to keep getting hurt, even if it means this show crapped on all the Spixie fans.

I do LOVE the interactions between them and Lulu lately, however. In relationships, Lulu is shrieky and insipid, but when she is man-less, she's feisty and sarcastic, and I love it! And I actually like the chemistry between her and Ethan, even though the last thing this show needed was an "endearing" criminal. (Please, don't shoot!) BUT......

It's obvious they're building up to Tracy having rigged the results. I hope they are going to go with Tracy not having even looked at the original results and just replacing them with the negative result- which could mean that the real results were also negative- rather than the results having showed for sure that Luke is the dad. Because otherwise, the creepy incestuousness is sickening.

Note:
1. Lulu and Ethan chemistry would be a redux of Johnny/Claudia chemistry. Ew.
2. Did Luke seriously say that he felt "drawn" to Ethan from the moment he first saw him? That sounds like the beginning of a proposal to me.
3. And how positively revolting that Luke suspects that Ethan really is his son, and asks Lulu to FLIRT WITH HIM (!!!) to get Tracy to react and prove that he really is the dad!!! "Honey, go flirt with your brother for me, will you?"

Oh, and I can't understate how much I can't stand to watch Nik and Re-Emily, but I couldn't turn away today. I kept thinking it looked like the opening scenes of a campy "funny" porn movie like some of the ones from the 80's.

And I'm not sad Liz and Lucky are back together, when they're good, they're SO good, but OMG!!! I truly thought I was going to puke. If they decided to do a reunion with no build-up, they should have actually stuck with NO build-up, because Liz casually making out with her dead friend ex and then joking about how Emily had told her Nik was a good kisser is something I could have lived forever without seeing!

And the Michael storyline literally bores me almost to sleep. And it's half the show almost every day! I quit even pretending to watch any of those scenes months ago.

So...after being a faithful Spencer fan thoughout the 1990s, I am to believe that...Luke has cheated on Laura, is ashamed of Lucky and was a neglectful father to Lulu? Uh huh. Ok....Now taking all of that in consideration, dare I ask whatever became of Foster? Nevermind I don't want to know...

Really though. Screw you Guza and whomever else is responsible (I'm looking your way, Tony Geary) for this POS history-raping story with Teethan. We aren't buying it. Go to hell.

I'm finished.
I have been watching GH since before Luke was even on the show; right around the time Laura killed David Hamilton. In fact I can remember the first scene I saw was Leslie at the police station "confessing" to protect Laura. In the seventh grade for my birthday I got a shirt that said, "General Hospital FANatic". I have magazines from the Luke and Laura heyday. I have a trivia game. I had a cat named Lucky.
I have put up with a lot of teasing over the years from my family and friends about my "stories" but I loved those people I tuned in to watch every day. I have put up with some crap but I am not putting up with this.
I officially quit GH.
But I'll hang around here for the funny and insightful writing. And just in case TIIC get canned and Gloria Monty's (my GPS is named Monty!) ghost gets a track suit and takes over, someone please promise to notify me!