Is it wierd that I kinda want to get raped? maybe, if I knew what it felt like I wouldn't... its a terrifying experience I bet...
I have been violated as a young girl and as a highschool teen but, it never was rape or anything... just harrassment/molestation or something.. its just that my parents always force me to suppress my pain and I feel like if something that BAD happened to me, they could no longer do this, I'd finally have a reason for sitting in my bed all day not doing anything, crying uncontrollaby, wanting to die, failing school... my pain would finally be VALID...it would finally be okay to FEEL... kinda twisted way of thinking but, I am so depressed and don't understand why really, everything points to a great life... every time I feel pain my parents convince me of how great my life is... so than, why do I stay in the bed most days, why have I lost friends and lost interest in things I once had interest in... I also explode over every little thing my parents do or say..I'm 20 and I just feel like I have been living with there voice in my head for too long... and they have been in my business for too long....so, I just snap all the time and feel bad about it... the only thing that makes me happy right now is food... when I eat out a lot... in about 3 weeks I've spent about 200 dollars on food and at the same time, have managed to lose 22 pounds.. the goal is to get down to 100 pounds ...I am 135 pounds as of now...I am just tired of the same ol'routine.. in highschool, school was my life, wake up , go to school, do homework, do it all over again... and now I have been in college for almost 3 years...I'm tired of the same ass routine every day, I really just want to move out but, I am not financially stable to do this...I'm just stuck... bored with life... and the same things and can't really go out like I used too because I am so fat and so ugly and have glasses that make my eyes look gross and my face look fat any my cheeks look big...I want to die in my sleep sometimes...I've never had a boyfriend... I'm worthless and unloveable...I'm about to be 21 this year in August, and have never been kissed on top of that I have so much sexual tendencies towards minors and I don't know why, although I would never act on it! like never! I have history of violation so maybe I equate that with love on both sides but, I feel guilty for these feelings...I wish someone could just dig me a grave...
And I'm in therapy right now but, want to stop going... I just can't handle not being able to be her FRIEND... I'm old enough to understand that therapy is just as much a business as someone trying to help and I tend to have a BIG HEART and make friends with most people when I am happy, so its hard for me to share the most tender parts of my life with someone and not be able to call them my friend.. I just want to quit therapy...I feel like I got worse in some ways after I started... I got more depressed...idk.. what to do...

and by the way--when I say history---again---I have NEVER acted on it... when I say that, I mean, I have been violated, I have never violated anyone else but, I have been violated by a boy in highschool and when I was younger.