The Devil & Bill Gates Talk

Bill: Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe
out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the
third-floor kitchen again, and...

Satan: Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention
the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a
platter.

Bill: Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I...

Satan: Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today
is the day you pay your eternal debt to me.

Bill: Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan...

Satan: Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the
world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most
powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN
server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to
collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the
afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells...

Bill: That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that
scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to
do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice
little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many
espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform on
hundreds of millions of PCs.

Satan: Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm
going to give God a strategic technology advantage!

Bill: Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?

Satan: Interesting. Tell me more.

Bill: Wait a minute. What's in it for me?

Satan: I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this
second.

Bill: Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable.

Satan: Disable what?

Bill: Disable Java support in Internet Explorer.

Satan: You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?

Bill: That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50
bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge
Communicator with Lotus Notes.

Satan: The Department of Justice will...

Bill: Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want
to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell
Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft
have to support Java?

Satan: It's an industry standard...

Bill: It's an industry hallucination.

Satan: There will be a public outcry...

Bill: From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their
nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is
still a cute word for coffee.

Satan: What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?

Bill: Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for
browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years.
It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they
come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to
the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than
you can say 'Playstation.'

Satan: What about other platforms...

Bill: Like Intel has competition?

Satan: Interactive TV...

Bill: We call it WebTV in Redmond.

Satan: Venture capitalists have invested billions...

Bill: To get a date with Kim Polese.

Satan: Sun will write a plug-in...

Bill: Not without the hidden APIs.

Satan: Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay.