Retired people flooding UK with shit art

Art industry insiders have warned that unless people in their 60s can be dissuaded from churning out paintings of dogs and landscapes the market will implode.

Gallerist Tom Logan said: “With an ageing population, the UK has more and more retired people exploring the artistic potential they mistakenly think they possess.

“Typically these pictures are titled Bicycles, Family, or Peaceful Beach. Often they are sold at small galleries that are also bistros.

“Exhibitions of retired art are lucrative because relatives feel emotionally blackmailed into buying pictures of themselves, even if the strange proportions make them look like the big guy from The Goonies.

“No one wants to buy good art any more because their houses are already full of pictures by their parents and grandparents.”

66-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I started painting as a hobby but my friends say my vivid use of colours on works like Rainbow and Tree are really eye-catching. Maybe I am the next Picasso.”

Retired civil servant Stephen Malley said: “”I’ve even done a modern art piece, Blocks, and made some ceramic hedgehogs.

“After I’ve conquered the art world I might write an espionage thriller called something like The Dragon Process.