Friday, August 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Researchers are warning that hackers could soon get inside
people’s brains to monitor and control neural signals. Which looks like it has
already happened if you have ever seen anyone running around playing Pokemon
Go.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim is pushing for a three day
work week. Americans are backing the idea, saying it would be nice to have a
job that lets them come in for some extra hours another two days a week.

A report says bank depositors in England are withdrawing
cash in lieu of negative interest rates that would charge to keep money in bank
accounts. To which Americans are asking what are bank depositors?

A study says being overweight makes the brain “10 years
older.” Not from being obese, but from identifying with all the other people it
sees around during every meal at Golden Corral, HomeTown Buffet and Ponderosa
Steakhouse.

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon has been assigned to be a public
defender because of a high case load and cuts in funding. Which would be
interesting if this were happening in Illinois as the person the governor there
would most likely be defending would be themselves.

Experts say there are seven infections possible to be caught
from swimming in the Rio Olympic’s dirty water. Which is exactly the same as
the odds quoted to all the cast members from living in the home together during
the filming of “Jersey Shore.”

Experts say there are seven infections possible to be caught
from swimming in the Rio Olympic’s dirty water. Which is still three fewer than
the warnings posted over the buffet line on a Carnival cruise ship.

WNBA star Elena Delle Donne has come out and announced she
is gay. It came as no surprise to those who follow the WNBA. All the signs were
there, particularly the one where she signed a contract to play in the WNBA.

WNBA star Elena Delle Donne has come out and announced she
is gay. It came as no surprise to those who follow the WNBA. She did it as a
way for public awareness and to get support from all seven people who actually
follow the WNBA.

Brett Favre says he plans to “wing it” during his Hall of
Fame acceptance speech. Apparently he figures if he runs into any trouble
during the presentation, just like with his career he can always just start
over.

Starbucks is offering a summer contest that will give away
seven prizes of free drinks for life. The only problem is if the winner has a
large double mocha latte every day, they will have to continue working to age
93 just to earn enough to pay the taxes on their winnings.

A report says that cheap oil has killed off 200,000 jobs in
the U.S. Mostly the cooks, chauffeurs, butlers, wait staff and personal
trainers who had to be let go because of smaller bonus payments to all the oil
company executives.

A hotel building boom is underway in California with around
100,000 rooms either planned or already under construction. Mostly because
California leads the nation in all three of the main reasons for checking in to
a hotel. Foreclosure, divorce and wildfires.

A report says the U.S. has reached an average Internet speed
of more than 50 Mbps for the first time ever, which is 1,000 times faster than
dialup. Which is bad news for men still watching porn on AOL as that means they
are 1,000 times more likely to be caught in the act by their wife, coworkers or
boss.

A study says the wealthiest universities receive millions of
dollars a year, but do little to help their poorer students. Mostly because the
millions of dollars they get is the monthly payments from their poorer students
who got that way from all the tuition loans they are paying off.

A survey says online vitriol and threats from strangers has
become worse. And that’s just from the people discussing if they support
Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump in the presidential election.

Megyn Kelly’s memoirs are due to be published in November.
The bad part is that a preliminary copy was sent to Fox News and Roger Ailes
was caught trying to look under it’s jacket.

Megyn Kelly’s memoirs are due to be published in November.
The hard part was after the part about dying her hair blond, wearing short
skirts on the air and repeating Republican Party talking points, it was tough
to find enough material to fill the other 300 pages.

Ford is recalling more than 800,000 vehicles, including
their Escape SUV to repair faulty door
latches that can pop open while driving. Which apparently is how the SUV got
the name “Escape.”

A study says people who use dating app Tinder have low self
esteem and are more likely to see themselves as sex objects. Or as everyone
else knows that, the best reason to look for dates on Tinder.

More than half of Millennial men and three quarters of
Millennial women feel they will not accumulate $1 Million in life savings.
Unless of course they put 10% of their minimum wage paycheck into a 401(k) and
manage to live another 25,000 years.

A study says by age 18 most kids ADHD is gone. If that is
true, then why do so many people who are of voting age always make such
inattentive choices at the polls?

A new service provides mental health therapy for rural teens
over their TV screen. Although the best way to ensure mental health well being
for teens using the TV is to make sure to turn it off whenever “The
Kardashians” is on.

A report says one in four seniors has some form of
disability. For most of them, it’s called being a senior.

Caitlyn Jenner says she considered suicide while going
through her gender transition. Mostly from staying inside to avoid the
paparazzi and being stuck hanging out with the Kardashian girls, Kris Jenner
and Kanye West.

Clint Eastwood praised Donald Trump and defended some of his
comments, saying that “everyone is tired of being politically correct.”
Although that confused some people who had never heard the words “Trump” and
“correct” in the same sentence.

Ozzy Osbourne’s former mistress is suing his daughter Kelly
for defamation. Although it wasn’t the name calling that was so upsetting as
being identified as being the one who was having sex with Ozzy Osbourne.

Police in Rio de Janeiro say a Russian diplomat shot and
killed a man who tried to rob him. The man says he was able to kill the robber
because of his training in Judo, Jiu- Jitsu and mostly Russian diplomatic
training techniques.

A study says that sharks seem less creepy to people in films
when shown while more peppy music is playing. Which means more people would
still be able to go into the water if instead of using a 4/4 string ostinato in
D Minor, the theme of “Jaws would have been Benny Hill’s “Yakkity Sax.”

Apple has gotten the OK from the federal government to start
selling electricity. Which means if they price it the same way they do their
iPhones, the only danger of being shocked will be when customers open their
monthly energy bill.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim’s learning app apprende.org
already has 500,000 world wide users. Although Donald Trump claims that Trump
University had double that number of users. And that is just the number of
people who have signed on to the lawsuit demanding their money back claiming
they were defrauded.

The Emerald Ash Borer beetle is destroying millions of trees
which could mean an end to ash baseball bats. The good news is that having bats
with holes in the wood at least gives the Atlanta Braves hitters an excuse as
to why they keep missing the ball.

The Emerald Ash Borer beetle is destroying millions of trees
which could mean an end to ash baseball bats. Which is ironic in that the only
way to improve the batting average of the Tampa Bay Rays would be to turn all
their bats into a pile of ash.

A study says the odds of life evolving through the universe
are 1,000 times greater far into the future than they are now. Which in other
words is the result of researchers figuring out a way of getting funding for a
study that no one will ever be able to disprove.

A study says the odds of life evolving through the universe
are 1,000 times greater far into the future than they are now. Mostly because
there is obviously no evolution taking place now as evidenced by the large
number of people still supporting Donald Trump for President.

Human remains found in Canada are believed to possibly be
from an 1847 shipwreck of Irish immigrants trying to escape the potato famine.
The sad part is they were on a Carnival cruise ship and said the potato famine
was still better than the daily breakfast buffet.

An analysis says that Rembrandt may have used mirrors and
optical tricks to make his self portraits. Suspicions were raised when
researchers went over the paintings and found the canvas was covered with bits
of tracing paper.

An analysis says that Rembrandt may have used mirrors and
optical tricks to make his self portraits. What also gave him away was in his
writings describing the paintings, he said the color of his eyes were #9 and
his hair was #4.

A Japanese gymnast reportedly racked up $5,000 in roaming
data charges playing Pokemon Go in Rio. If that wasn’t difficult enough, it was
nothing like literally having to jump through hoops just to find Charizard on
the gymnastics practice floor.

Pokemon Go has arrived in Rio just in time for the Olympic
Games. The sad part is that Pikachu has already been sent back to Japan for
failing a mandatory drug test.

A former adviser to George W. Bush says that climate change
could threaten national security. He doesn’t really mean it, he just finds it funny
that when he says things like that it usually ends up putting Al Gore on the
no-fly list.

The primary challenger to House Speaker Paul Ryan is saying
we shouldn’t allow Muslims in this country. To which even Donald Trump says you
don’t realize how crazy that sounds until you hear someone else saying it.

The primary challenger to House Speaker Paul Ryan from
Wisconsin is saying we shouldn’t allow Muslims in this country. The real
question is why have any Muslim immigrants decided that it would be a good idea
to settle in Wisconsin?

President Obama says Donald Trump’s claims that the election
will be rigged are “ridiculous.” If the election could be rigged why wouldn’t
the Republicans have made sure that their candidate was anyone other than
Donald Trump?

President Obama says Donald Trump’s claims that the election
will be rigged are “ridiculous.” That won’t happen until the other 49 states
decide to start using the Florida system to run their polling stations.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which
means the weekend is upon us. For many of you that is a break from work,
responsibilities and mostly from reading the jokes on this blog. Don’t worry, I’ll
have them up again on Monday which will give you something to do when you get
bored of playing Pokemon Go or watching porn at work. It’s nice to have an
alternative. It’s also nice when I see that all of you take the time to
remember to make sure to keep on sending the love!