Frasier

Frasier (16 September 1993 – 13 May 2004) is an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers. The show was critically acclaimed and won a record 37 Emmy Awards during its run.

Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

Niles: Remember what Mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

Frasier: The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?

Roz: Here, your brother called.

Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.

Roz: Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?

Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".

Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.

Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?

Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, Voltaire. Step back in the shadows, H. L. Mencken. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... hate... Frasier Crane."

Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.

Catherine: Your wife is really lucky.

Frasier: Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

Daphne: My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.

Martin: Really?

Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

Frasier: [to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier: The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?

Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

Frasier: Lazyguy, I wonder what they call the deluxe version. The Hopeless Slackass?

Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Frasier: Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!

Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.

Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.

Roz: Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. [reads] "Death is inevitable"...

Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.

Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!…Marriage…I have to go now.

Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorce will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.

Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!

Frasier: I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]

Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?

Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Martin: Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

Roz: Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!

Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

Daphne: There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favorite food?” “What's your favorite color?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?

Frasier: Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

Frasier: [to Martin] Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.

Frasier: Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.

Roz: If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

Martin reminds Frasier of a school play in which he appeared, which was warmly received but had one bad review

Frasier: But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in Bye Bye Birdie, made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”

Frasier: In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my Producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!

Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his platoon reunion

Martin: Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!

Bulldog: Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!

It seems that Bulldog is in love

Bulldog: You know what? I gotta call her. (picks up the phone) No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. (slams phone down) But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. (picks up phone) No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. (puts phone down) I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! (picks up phone before putting it down again) Doc, what should I do?!

Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.

Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!

Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off

Roz: I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz Expressway”.

Niles: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.

Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future

Niles: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!

While Frasier waits in the hotel room, Lilith stealthily informs Niles, who is hiding in the en-suite, of his brother's amorous intentions

Niles: Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here and...(catches Lilith's eye) yes, I'm aware of the irony.

Frasier: You know, it's funny; I have never stopped desiring you, Lilith, even though I know we are completely wrong for each other. But now, when I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell you!

Gil: Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"

Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.

Gil: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a pastry bag! [exits in a huff]

Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion

Frasier: Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new book on tape: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.

Martin: (looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper) Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! (laughs)

Niles tells how he returned Maris's gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over

Niles: She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.

Niles: Tomorrow everyone will know, including Daphne. And this is how she's going to find out. I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.

Mulhern: So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!

Roz:[jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better! [Frasier tries to enter the booth].

Frasier: Mrs. Mulhern— [She shoves him out and locks the door].

Mulhern: Keep out of this!

Nora: Mother, please! I am doing my show!

Mulhern: Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about your past! [Frasier tries to enter through the other door].

Frasier: Mrs. Mulhern, please! [She shoves him out and locks the other door].

Mulhern: The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!

Nora:[crying] Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.

Mulhern: How you were paid — paid! — to leave town, by that nice boy's family.

Frasier: For God's sake, Nora, go to a commercial!

Nora: There, Seattle, now you know what I mean when I say there are some people you just don't need in your life! [goes to commercial] Help me out, George! [She throws off her headphones and rushes into the producer's booth].

Mulhern: What are they paying you here? I want my cut! [George closes the door and fights to hold it shut].

Nora: I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you could be so cruel!

Frasier: I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone!

Mulhern: [knocking on the glass] I want fifty dollars right now!

Nora: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MOVE BEFORE I'M FINALLY OF HER?! [She runs out into the hallway. Mrs. Mulhern goes out the other door to head her off].

Frasier:[yelling after her] Nora, I'm sorry!

Mulhern:[yelling after her] You owe me, missy! I gave you life! [Nora screams like a madwoman while George runs out after them]].

Roz: Frasier, we've got dead air! [Frasier goes into the radio booth while Roz shuts the doors and grabs some carts]

Frasier:[hits "On Air"] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a bit of a bumpy start. [Nora screams again as the chase takes them by the booth].

Frasier: But at least the lines of communication are open.

[Another scream comes, louder and clearly audible over the air. Frasier can only gape at Roz].

Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?

Frasier: I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Niles: [about his date] She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles's birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party!

Daphne: [about Niles's longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.

Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?

Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off

Frasier: Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain Producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...

Roz:[on tape] Now what the [beep] is this? You call this a [beep] paycheck? How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]-damn Station Manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!

Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...

Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.

Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.

Niles: This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"

Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him

Frasier: We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.

Frasier: (about Roz's cousin) She told me that my show was bourgeois. I then argued that anything that has mass appeal could be called bourgeois. She then said that my argument was bourgeois...which I happened to find jejune.

Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father

Martin: Well, I'm proud of you two. Squash may not be the toughest sport, but it's still technically a sport.

Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough! (Martin scoffs) Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.

Daphne: Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?

Niles: 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together — Jackrane — or you face the dreaded glottal stop. Jack—Crane. Jack—Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.

Frasier: He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...(pause for effect) Niles's calibre. (chuckles to himself) I'm in rare form today.

Daphne: (smiles, unamused) You should see this place when they know you're not coming.

Daphne: It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more Jung for Youngsters?

[Frasier is talking about one of his favorite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]

Frasier: It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.

Roz: I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

[Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]

Gil: Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.

All:[Sounds of concurrence and chants of Hear, hear!]

Gil: Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. [with obvious fervor] She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! [Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]