A blog about my journey - through life, family, our non-profit, Africa, poverty, justice, nature, faith, hope & the calm that can be found though out.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

When Words Hurt Our Kids - 5 Ways to Build Them Back Up

I truly never realized
until I was a mom how much words hurt. Obvivously, I have been hurt with
words numerous times throughout my life (and know that I have hurt others too),
but there is something so heart-breaking as a parent to hear (or hear about)
unkind words spoken to our children. It seriously feels like a punch in
the gut. Oh - and that is what I usually feel like telling my kids to do -
"just go punch the kid in the gut - then he/she will stop". I will
pretend that we have not actually said that at some point to our kids.
Hey - we aren't perfect as parents, and they haven't actually hit anyone,
so that is good, right?

It is my opinion that most
of the time kids say mean things to other kids is because they are insecure and
struggling with their own issues or identity. Confident, self-assured
kids do not feel the need to beat others down (you can apply that to grown-ups
too). What is so hard to witness is how quickly those words can destroy
our children - who just days, weeks or months before were self-confident and
happy. When these things happen, we have to help build them up.

Over the last few months we
have seen situations where this is happening or has happened to one in our own
family. We have been talking a lot lately at home about choices and how
to respond to times that we are hurt by others. As we have talked over
the last several months, there are a few things that continue to return to the
conversation that I think we could all try with our kids. My ultimate
goal when my children are struggling in this area is to build them up and try
to bring back their confidence in who they are. We cannot protect them
from everything - they have to grow up, but we can reassure them of who they
really are - God's perfect creation and our loved chid. These are the 5
things that we try to do at our home:

1. Build them up
with our words - both my husband and I tell them all the time how much we
love them and how proud we are of who they are. Period. It doesn't
matter if they struggle academically, socially, athletically or in any other
way - We love them. I don't think we can ever tell our children too much
how proud we are of them. They may act totally annoyed as they grow older
- but they still here it and bank it somewhere in their brain for later.

2. Explain to them that they are exactly who they are supposed to be - if you are a Christ-follower, explain to them that God created them to be exactly who they are. Now I
know this can seem like a trite "Christiany" response, but it is so
important that they understand this. They are senstive, caring,
compassionate and loving and God is going to use them in amazing ways. He
made them in His image. God chose for them to excel at certain things and
not at others. When you are good at everything, you can not relate to
others as well. God has even prepared them for the struggles that they
will have and will use what seems like weaknesses to them for His ultimate
plan. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future." Jer 29:11

3. Listen to them
- make sure they know they can share anything with us - even when it is
something they did that hurt someone else. Pay attention when
they are talking. I sometimes find myself busy on my computer or phone
and saying "uh-huh" when they are trying to talk to me. It does
get exhausting at times and I am clearly no 'mom of the year'. However, I
know that I am sending them mixed messages when I do this (If I am telling them that I love them but than cannot give them my attention when they come to me, what does that tell them?) - the more we give
them our attention and love and affirm how important they are to us, the more
confidence they will have in who they are. We don't want to miss that
small window of opportunity when they are actually wanting to talk to us.
I am trying to put my phone down or my computer to sleep when they come
to talk to me. That way, they will get all of me and they will know it
(and I will remember what they were talking about).

Also, sometimes kids are too
embarrassed to tell us what someone said to them or about them. If they
don't share with us, we can't help them walk through it. The more they
internalize things - the more it is going to continue to impact them. I
know that a lot of times they won't share - but when they do - listen and
support them. Discuss with our kids what matters to us - that they be
kind and compassionate to others, be a friend to those who don't have friends
and to treat everyone with respect. Listen to them when they have to share
about making wrong choices too - if they will share (sometimes they are forced
to because teachers or principals call). The more we listen now, the more they
may share later.

4. Support them in
their interests. This builds confidence. Confidence helps our
kids be secure and treat others well. So maybe you are not into karate
and really want your son to play football - but your son lives for karate.
Support him. Even if you financially cannot support the sport or
hobby they want, there are many ways to still help them move forward with their
passion. Let them know that you are completely thrilled with who they are
and what they are passionate about. I am so proud of my husband in this
area. He comes from a very athletic family - he, his brother and dad were
all great soccer players (his dad still holds college records). Soccer is
in his blood, but does not seem to be for our kids at this point. Our
older son played some soccer until he became sick with Lyme disease 3 years ago
and had to stop all physical activity. Our younger son loves animals -
I mean really loves them. He could spend the rest of his life
working with animals and running a sanctuary that rescues animals. He
also loves horses and riding. He is involved in a 4H riding club and it
is amazing to watch him on his horse (well - the one that we partially lease).
His other love is art. Neither my husband or I have much experience
in these areas - but we are doing what we can to support him. Fortunately
we can afford this partial lease for a horse for now... We have watched our
son gain so much confidence through horse shows and working with these amazing
animals.

5. Tell them you
would much rather they be kind, honest and loving towards others than try to
fit in to feel more popular. This can be a hard one for some of us
because we do want them to fit in. We may even care about them being
perceived as popular because of our own securities. However, living
through our children this way is never going to help them or us. One of
my sons shared awhile back how much it hurt him to hear friends say mean things to
another kid. Many times, there are other kids that follow along and add to
the hurt. We tell him how proud we are of him - that instead of choosing
to go with the crowd, he is choosing kindness and sensitivity - even in
situations when he is not friends with the one getting hurt. Since our
kids are in middle school, we are using these types of conversations to talk
about the choices that they will continue to make as they move forward with
high school. We tell them that the decisions only get harder as they grow
up and have to choice whether to follow friends to "fit in" with
drinking, sex, drugs, breaking laws, etc. The more choices they can make now to
be individuals and not follow others will only help them as they grow up.
I think that we can influence that by encouraging right choices in the
smaller things and affirming those choices. Obviously they won't always make the right choices in how they treat people - but it is awesome when they do.

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Family

E4 Project - our non-profit

Defending the cause of the poor and needy in the Democratic Republic of Congo and Gabon, Arica

About Me

wife, mom of 2 boys, co-founder of a non-profit (E4 Project) that serves in Gabon and the Democratic Republic of Congo. My heart breaks for those living in poverty, suffering, sickness and oppression. I love wildlife and nature and am passionate about environmental issues. I have a son who endured for over 5 years with Lyme disease. I write about all these things as well as trials, struggles and joy in our family's life – and anything else that seems relevant. Thanks for stopping by - Brynn