Bad food idea of the day

posted at 9:49 pm on August 31, 2006 by Bryan

Have you ever seen how a dog behaves when he bites into something that he really doesn’t like? How he leaves his mouth open and seems to be licking the surface of his teeth to just get. that. taste. out?

I just did that.

At dinner tonight, we had a very good southern meal brilliantly executed–pork chops and gravy. There are better southern meals in the pantheon, but not many. Chicken fried steak. Rib eye steak, grilled to perfection over a charcoal fire (not gas, you weaklings). One or two burgers on the Sonic menu, as long as a limeade accompanies them. But pork chops and gravy is up there. Can I get an amen?

A little while afterwards I wanted a snack and a few minutes out of the house so I headed up the the neighborhood store. They sell a great creme soda there. I always check the snack racks to see what’s new, and walking past the rack my eyes beheld a strange sight: Ketchup flavored potato chips. I’ve never had those before, and I do like my chips, so I figured “What can go wrong?” I like potatoes, and I like ketchup, and as french fries I like the two together. “What can go wrong?”

Well.

Murphy’s Law states that whatever can go wrong, will. And in the case of ketchup flavored potato chips, everything has indeed gone wrong. They are to potato chips what Sy Hersch is to reliable reporting. They are to a tasty snack what Gigli is to brilliant film making. They are to food what Hezbollah is to dead-aim accurate rocketry. Ketchup flavored chips are to food what the UN is to decisive, correct action that helps democracy and thwarts tyrants.

I have to agree with Bomb Doctor, I went on a taste testing jag while on holiday in UK in March, and of the lot, the Prawn Cocktail ones were by far the worst I’d ever tasted. (The Rotisserie Chicken ones were pure shite too, though not nearly as bad.)
Thumbs up to the Heinz Brown Sauce though. Why we don’t get it here, I don’t know.

The best execution of pork chops involves browning/searing them on each side, then it’s off to the pressure cooker. Put a stainless steel colander in the bottom of the pressure cooker, with water under that, so that the colander allows the steam to come through but keeps the chops from actually boiling in the water itself.

This technique seals all the flavor in, and makes the chops so tender that they fall off the bone and melt in your mouth. Damn. This is not good right before bedtime. I know what I want for dinner tomorrow night!

Dude, you just killed my career. I slave away in the sweltering heat of Herr’s test kitchen for 18-20 hours a day, racking my brain and torturing my taste buds in quest of the holy grail of culinary flavor inbreeding and what do I get? You, licking your chops like some reverse Pavlovian dog. Why do I try? Why? You have…

1) Destroyed my self-esteem
2) Set me up for a negative review at Herr’s which will
3) Destroy my self-esteem some more
4) Ruined my marriage
5) Super destroyed my self-esteem
6) Forced me to put my kids in public school
7) Sharply reduced property values in the neighborhood and
8) Left my self-esteem in shreds.

They’re a Canadian staple, from what I hear. “Ketch chips” they called ’em. I met some kids in Canada a while back who were floored that I hadn’t heard of them. In fact, they made me wait while someone went out and bought me a bag. I didn’t really like ’em. I nearly got exorcised.

Best pork chop I ever had was at the old Golden Ox here in KC. Well, they called it a ‘smoked pork chop’ but I always thought they were wrong. Sure, if you looked straight down on it it looked like a pork chop but from the side you could tell it wasn’t. Pork chops aren’t 2 inches thick. Things were so tough you had to cut them with a fork.

As to the ketchup flavored chips you made a common error. You said to yourself: A tastes good, B tastes good, and C, which is much like A, tastes good with B. Therefore the pre-made combo of A + B should be good. That may or may not be true, but the one thing that is true is that the pre-made combo will taste nothing like, A, B, A+B, C, or any other recognizable food item. It may or may not taste good, but the one thing you can be sure of is that it won’t taste like the description would lead you to believe.

We were in Scotland last week, eating in the cafeteria at Tim Blair’s ancestral home, and my wife bought a bag of potato chips to eat with her sandwich. She ate a chip and the look on her face was indescribable…becasue she didn’t realize she had bought haggis flavored chips.