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About a week ago I picked up and read, "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" and it blew my mind (mainly because it corrected some of my misconceptions about MYSELF).

Although it is co-written by a psychiatrist it reads, to me, a little pop-psychology'ish (which makes it an easy read) and with a slight bias against one of the attachment styles.

As the title indicates it's about Attachment Theory in Adults. Are you Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant? How does that manifest itself when you are looking for or in a relationship? How might a person with a different attachment style react to your attachment style?

In all actuality, you can learn a decent amount about Attachment Theory in Adults by just doing a web search for articles and such on the topic. The book was a catalyst in helping me see a new perspective that I hadn't before.

They talk about the reasons being tied to early childhood experiences and genetics.

As I read it I tried to relate it to myself from a pre-A timeframe (just because I thought it a better "baseline" and, in my case, I'm oh-so-very 'avoidant' but the fear of letting go of my H made me seriously anxious - the first person to make me feel that way).

I grabbed a couple of things from a couple of blogs.

People who formed a secure attachment to their caregivers tend to form a secure attachment to the person they love.

Individuals with a secure style of attachment have more satisfying and longer lasting relationships. Secure individuals are comfortable being close to their partners. They are comfortable having someone depend on them just as they are comfortable being dependent on another individual. Being more trusting, open, and understanding, they approach problems and issues that may arise with their partners in a constructive manner.

People who formed an anxious or preoccupied attachment as an infant, by comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an adult. Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner's love (“do you really love me?”). Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn't care about them. Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; their fear of not being loved leads them to exaggerate their emotions and engage in controlling behaviors.

People who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners. As adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they actually fear it. They do not like it when people get close, and they don't like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them. Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities rather than their relationships. They also get easily annoyed with their relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward their loved ones.

and I think that this is a nice summation of the purpose of the book.

If you are reading this and feel that you can relate, understanding your attachment needs is the first step towards building a secure attachment. Being aware of our needs and having a partner that understands and supports them, helps to insure that our needs get met. Learn to recognize when your attachment system is activated and effectively communicate your needs rather than engaging in protest behavior. People are only as needy as their unmet needs and you are the only one who can insure that your needs get met. Be authentic and communicate with your partner.

People who formed an anxious or preoccupied attachment as an infant, by comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an adult. Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner's love (“do you really love me?”). Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn't care about them. Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; their fear of not being loved leads them to exaggerate their emotions and engage in controlling behaviors.

This sounds a lot like me. I could see a lot of parallels to me. I think the book would be good for me to read. I feel like I am always attached to people and it is hard to extricate myself. I desperately need intimacy, not necessarily sexual, but just quick intimacy with friends where I want an instant connection and I constantly overshare to get that connection. It is extremely unhealthy. I will definitely check out the book. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for this, JAS. While I have largely moved past the stage of obsessing over XW (her FOO issues, motivations, etc.) and instead focus on myself, there are times when I review my marriage and how dysfunctional and often "odd" it truly was.

There was so much happiness--but as I now have the space away from it, my rose-colored glasses have come off and I recall so much that was at best strange, and at worst, ominous and predictive of my XW's affair and all the abuse that accompanied it.

So this struck me:

Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner's love (“do you really love me?”).

This was a constant refrain for ten years. XW was truly doted upon by me--in actions and also in words. But extremely frequently she would ask, "Do you really love me?" I would reply "Yes, of course!" But then, "Really? I mean, really?"

Or she would proactively say, apropos of nothing, "Tell me you love me." I would, and then again, "Really?" And around it would go.

Constant reassurance was needed even though it was so overwhelmingly clear--at least it was to me--that I loved her (and--or so I thought--she loved me).

I see now that she was a ticking time bomb and it was only a matter of time and the perfect storm of events that would lead to the devastation of our family.

Thanks again.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Dec 2012

Crescita♀ 32616Member # 32616

Posted: 12:43 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014

"Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" and it blew my mind

I felt the same way after reading it three years ago, and I still reference it. It doesn't offer much in the way of solutions, but it does explain so much.

I'm anxious. I really thought there was hope that I could cross over to secure with a secure partner, but oh it is a process.

My ex was avoidant. I think my current SO is secure, but then the anxious side of me thinks maybe I have found another avoidant.