Thousands Offer to Return Stimulus Checks if Bush Will Leave Office Early

Washington – Thousands of Americans from around the country converged at the White House today with their checkbooks in hand. They said they were each prepared to write a check to the United States Treasury for the amount they would receive from the so-called economic stimulus, if President Bush would agree to leave office as soon as is humanly possible, preferably by the weekend. In his place, they said, they would prefer, “anyone other than Cheney.”

“Basically, we see it as using the money wisely, in the most productive way possible for the public good,” said Rodney Danielson, one of the group members who was designated as the official spokesman. “This 600 bucks or whatever, it could buy a TV, yeah, or pay some bills, or be put away. But you know what? If I can open the paper tomorrow and see someone else sitting behind that desk in the Oval Office, it’s worth the money to me. So I refund my refund to the Treasury. Just get someone else in there. I’ll take almost anyone. It can be a Republican. It can be a Democrat. It can be Simon Cowell, for God’s sake, just get someone new in that place!”

Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest in modern history, rejected the proposal during a brief exchange with reporters later in the day, after the protesters had dispersed.

“Look, I respect the American people and their opinions,” Mr. Bush said. “And they’re entitled to those opinions. But lots of opinions can be wrong. Like, I may have an opinion that, uh, cheese is better to hold two pieces of something together than glue. Or a nail. But that doesn’t make it true, just because I have the opinion. I’m not saying I have that opinion. I know cheese is for eating. But, yeah, so this is the same thing, except in this case, the cheese is the fact that they think I should leave office. Or maybe the people who think that are the cheese. Or maybe I’m the cheese. I really don’t know, to be honest, and I’m kind of hurting myself thinking about it, but you know what I mean.”

Mr. Bush went on to firmly state that he would not be handing over power any time soon. “I’m not leaving office early. Period,” Bush said. “In fact, you know, I might stay longer than people think. Past the period where the next guy’s going to start. I mean, I don’t mean I’ll hold up the process or anything, but I like it here. I may, you know, find a little room in the back to stay in. Get a little cot or something in there. And just hang out. Have breakfast with the folks here. You know. Do White House type things. I think they might let me stay a while. I…I hope so. Do you think… Do you think they might let me stay?”