KARL KRAUS THE LAST DAYS OF MANKIND IN ENGLISH TRANSLATED BY MICHAEL RUSSELL

THE LAST DAYS OF MANKIND ACT II SCENE 17

SCENE 17Anton Grüsser’s[1] restaurant. Foreground the Schwarz-Gelbers[2], He and She; she should be obviously not speaking to him. A man moves from table to table constantly, silently bowing. At a nearby table is the Begrudger. WAITER 1: Please, have you ordered yet? HE: No, could you bring me the menu? (Waiter off.)WAITER 2: Please, have you ordered yet?HE: No, could you bring me the menu? (Waiter off.)WAITER 3 (a boy): Any drinks? Beer, wine? HE: No, bring me the menu! (To a waiter hurrying past) The menu!WAITER 4(brings the menu): Please, have you ordered yet? HE: You’ve only just brought the menu. What have you got? WAITER 4: What it says on the menu.HE: It says: God scourge England. Is there any roast beef? WAITER 4: I’m sorry, this is a meat free day. For the war. Would Madam like a nice veal cutlet, some venison goulash, maybe a little goose, Madam - HE: What is this: oleaginous egg emulsion with fish?WAITER 4: Fish mayonnaise.HE: And a depressed puff pastry?WAITER 4: A vol-au-vent. HE: All right, for God's sake, bring me that – and then – what's this: General-Staff-style tenderloin of beef style with red tape and Dutch relish?WAITER 4: Entrecôte in hollandaise sauce. HE: Fifty-two crowns!WAITER 4: Sir, we are at war, and today is meat free!HE: All right then, we’ll have that too. (Waiter off.)SHE: It’s only fifty crowns at the Hotel Sacher!WAITER 1: Please, have you ordered yet? HE: Yes.WAITER 2: Please, have you ordered yet? HE: Yes.WAITER 3 (a boy): Beer, wine? HE: No.WAITER 4 (returning): Sorry, but we don't have any of these left at all. (He crosses out almost every single item that’s on the menu.)HE: But you’ve just taken - WAITER 4: It's no surprise on a meat free day, sir. But the gentleman might like to have two misappropriated eggs, perhaps in a piquant sauce - HE: Who misappropriated them?

WAITER 4 (in a low voice): Before the war they were ‘oeufs pochés’.(Grüsser comes to the table, bows low, in silence, and leaves.)DWARFISH NEWSPAPER BOY(hopping from table to table): Victory after victory! Extra edition! Massive Italians defeat! Victory after victory!TWO GIRLS (going from table to table selling picture postcards and war welfare badges): Please contribute your mite to war welfare - WOMAN SELLING FLOWERS (from behind): Violets for the lady? HEAD WAITER (bending to a guest): Heard the latest, doctor? What’s the difference between a Galician refugee and a dead – (whispers the rest.)CUSTOMER (laughing, then bursting out): Brilliant! What’s the difference between a Red Cross nurse and a dead – (whispers the rest.)BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM[3] (roaring and drumming on the table): Hell and Goddammit, is there no service at all today? You, over here!WAITER 1: A moment, please, Major! GRÜSSER: At your service, Major?BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM: Will I get served today? The service has been diabolical here for the last year. Where are all the proper waiters? GRÜSSER: Called up, Major.BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM: Why?GRÜSSSER: There is a war on.BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM: A scandal! My fellow officers are all complaining, they won't be coming here if this continues! They’re outraged! GRÜSSER: We’d all prefer it to end - for peace - BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM: Don’t whinge about peace to me – I took part in the imperial manoeuvres – peace! Keep a stiff upper lip, man! (A waiter hurries past.) Look at that waster! I'll have him drafted – Call this service! I want a roast! I want it larded with bacon and I want it chop chop!GRÜSSER: This is a meat free day.BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM: What sort of newfangled fashion is that?GRÜSSER: It’s the war –BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM: What’s the war got to do with running out of bloody food? You won’t see any officers in here again! (Storms off.)WAITER 1: Pay now, please!WAITER 2: Pay now, please! WAITER 4: Pay now, please!WAITER 3 (the boy, to himself): Pay now, please.GRÜSSER (now at the Begrudger's table, greetings and speaking, leaning over him, his face expressionless which makes him look like the Angel of Death. Then gradually becoming more lively): The weather seems to be clearing up according to the latest mineralogical analysis, which is some consolation – everyone’s off somewhere, aren’t they? – everyone’s busy with something nowadays, and my God doesn’t war brings its hardships, there’s not a business that’s unaffected, the middle-classes are suffering especially – hard to gauge the long term impact – a gentleman of the press, very influential in one of the ministries, said exactly the same – all very strange –it seems no one’s got an appetite today, a shame, the rib of beef was excellent, all the gentlemen spoke very highly of it, next time I’ve a little delicacy for them, a portion of Grüsser cream cake – Poldi needs to get these tables cleared, even the kitchen boy’s asleep, I’m obliged, sir, so obliged - (The Schwarz-Gelbers have fallen asleep. The Begrudger leaves.)GRÜSSER (behind him): Muchobligedsoobligedatyourservicesoobliged, obligedcomeagainmuchobligedsoobligedatyourserviceobligedmuchobliged!(Change.)[1] Literally ‘Greeter’; perhaps Grovel; ‘grease up to someone’ also suggests simply Greaser.[2] In the original simply an unidentified man and woman.[3] The name is used as a type here, and may be best translated by another German word: Blitzkrieg. However Franz Höfer von Feldsturm (1861-1918) was a field marshal and member of the General Staff.