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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Wonderfully Made

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. –Psalm 139:14

When I led a women’s retreat last year, we were talking about compassion for ourselves. I was struck by how difficult it was for some women to use positive words to describe themselves. When asked to describe themselves the way they would be described by the person who loved them more than anything in the universe (this could be a parent, dearest friend, God, their dog, anyone), there was a palpable discomfort in the room. Describing themselves in glowing terms seemed not only unfamiliar, but even wrong, smacking of pride and arrogance. Much better, they thought, to minimize their gifts, to deny their talents, to put themselves down.

But false modesty is just that – false. Legendary martial artist Bruce Lee was once asked if he was really “that good.” He replied, “If I say yes, you will think I am arrogant. But if I say no, you will know I’m lying.”

The Bible says we are God’s masterpiece. Far from feeling arrogant or prideful, I am brought to my knees in humility and gratitude when contemplating this precious gift of human life, a gift that is not mine alone, but is generously bestowed on each of us, binding us together in our shared magnificence. Why is it so difficult to acknowledge the amazing wonderfulness of our existence?

At a conference with Western Buddhists, the Dalai Lama was asked about self hatred. Even after repeated efforts by his interpreter, the Dalai Lama remained confused by this concept. What was immediately understood by the Western attendees was so unfamiliar to His Holiness that he finally conceded, "I thought I had a very good acquaintance with the mind, but now I feel quite ignorant. I find this very, very strange." What this tells me is that self hatred is not a necessary aspect of the human condition, but rather is culture specific.

Where does self hatred as a cultural phenomenon come from? I’ve been giving this a lot of thought since that women’s retreat last year. Some might trace its roots back to the doctrine of original sin, a concept perhaps unique to Christian theology. Seeing ourselves as inherently and inescapably flawed from birth is a heavy burden. One might also consider gender issues, since the affliction seems more prevalent in women.

Ultimately, however, the cultural origin of self hatred is less important than the fact that, because it is not an inevitable part of who we are, we can choose differently. That’s tremendously liberating.

Jesus said that we are the light of the world. “People do not light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others....” I want my thoughts and words and actions to reflect that light of glory. I do no service to others by pretending to be less than what I am, a masterpiece of the universe, as are you. That doesn’t make us special. It makes us part of everything that lives.

So I invite you to try the exercise I mentioned above. You can do it privately if you don’t want to share publicly – that’s fine. How would the person who loves you more than anyone describe you? Can you accept that description without apology or denial? If you don’t want to share the description in a comment, would you share what the exercise was like for you? Is it hard to let your light shine? No judgment. Just be curious.

You could search the whole world over and never find anyone as deserving of your love as yourself. –Buddha

Harleena, I am curious now about where this concept of self hatred manifests in the world. What countries? What faiths? What cultures? For people unfamiliar with it, the exercise might seem easy! Thanks for commenting.

Such a telling challenge! I can acknowledge at least some of my qualities without hesitation, but I think this thread of low self esteem and even self-hatred lives at very subtle levels. In this way, we are so damaged as a culture and need every word of encouragement that you offer in this post!

Sandra, Yes, it was very revealing! I expected some discomfort, but I did not expect the deep resistance and moral judgment of the exercise. It really makes me wonder what we do to ourselves as a culture and as people of faith. Thanks for your comment.

This is so true... its always difficult to find something good and beautiful about ourselves, mainly because we have focussed so much on what we do not have, and have rather never given enough time to appreciate who we are ! and how wonderfully and fearfully we are created, just as the psalmist says in 139.

I am happy to read this, coz this is also been my experience with women who always put others first in their lives, in everything, and later on feel exploited and taken for granted.

If only they learn to look give themselves the first place in their lives, appreciate the beauty and the capacity God has bestowed on them.

I love the quote of Buddha at the end of your post. It is very inspiring, and I do use the same quote when I speak to women and youngsters who think they are not beautiful and they do not deserve the best in life.

G Angela, While the phenomenon is spread across our culture, I think it can manifest in women of many cultures, wherever women are seen as inferior. Glad you like the quote and use it yourself in your speaking engagements. Thanks for commenting.

G Angela, When I click on your name, it links to your profile, but your profile does not have a link to your blog. Can you change that so that I and other readers can get to your blog? Or could you provide a link in your comment? Thanks!

I took a few minutes while I was drinking my coffee this morning to sit next to our twinkling Christmas tree, and do this exercise. I think I'm pretty good at taking compliments, so I actually sort of expected to enjoy this exercise, but it was hard! I'm pretty sure that I know how the person who loves me most would describe me, and I can easily accept a couple of the descriptive words on the list I made, but I felt far less deserving of others.

I saw your post on The Bridgemaker and I couldn't wait to read this. Almost 3 months ago, I came to the realization that I have to love myself with the same intensity that I love others. I am always filled with so much gratitude and I do use some really positive words when describing myself; I wonder what people who haven't traveled this path must think of me!! But I can't help it; it's the most amazing part of my life now and I need to share it.

I wrote a blog for another website on Saturday about how I've come to view every day as Thanksgiving and as we prepare for the Season of Love before us, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all view every day as one more day in a never-ending Season of Love, love starting with ourselves.

I thought of Psalm 139 yesterday and now I have the quote from Buddha to add to my list. Thank you so much!!

Kathi, Welcome! Like you, I try to keep the Thanksgiving spirit of gratitude alive all year. Starting with ourselves is a challenge, sometimes, but if we can't accept and appreciate ourselves, we can't truly accept and appreciate others. Glad you like the quote and that you share my love of that Psalm. Thanks for commenting.

Vidya, It sounds like you invited others to share this exercise with you. How nice to get loving messages from all those who appreciate you! Blessed is how I feel, too. Thanks for your comment and your friendship.

Since I've learned to see people in the unique way that I do in terms of my work, I've come to realize how beautiful, inspiring, and amazing ALL women are at the soul level, even the ones who have experienced so much trauma or damage that they no longer realize it for themselves (which is distressingly common, unfortunately).

In fact, I would say that my primary intention in working with women is to convince them to see for themselves how gorgeous and perfect they are, just AS they are.

And when they do, what a revelation it is! Because the one person who should love us more than anyone else in the world is ourselves! :)

I am reminded here of Jesus' commandment - To love others as we love ourselves. He assumed in saying this that we DO love ourselves and it is necessary to do so before we can truly love others. And, I heartily agree that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and should celebrate that miracle with those myriad miracles around us.Blessings, Galen, and thanks for this beautiful post!

Hi Galen, it's not only a great time to celebrate and accept ourselves but like you say, be the light for the rest of the world. I'm trying to accept and celebrate everyone in my life - quirks, shortcomings and all. Of course, starting with myself but then helping others see the light in themselves by regularly pointing out their outsstanding qualities:)

Vishnu, That's a wonderful practice. Looking for the good to compliment in others will reflect back to them their own worth and strengths. Sometimes it's easier to do it for others than for ourselves, so we can use our compliments to others as a model for valuing ourselves, too. Thanks for your comment.

What a wonderful post and exercise Galen. It isn't until you stop and think about it that to pick up where Sandra left off, superficially it's pretty easy to see the glimmering of our light, but to get a little deeper, we often discover that lower self esteem gremlin. And it's especially true of women in our society. If we would but remember the truth about who we are, and that the spark of the divine lives in every one of us. Then what an even more wonderful world it would be.

Love the image of the perplexed Dalai Lama.Thank you for this reminder Galen.

Elle, What a lovely image--the spark of the divine shining in each of us. Thank you for sharing that. I love that story of the Dalai Lama, too, for so many reasons, one being that it reveals his deep humility and freedom from ego.

Galen, I remember being on a debate team in high school and having a coach say to our team, "Never water down a deserved compliment. It minimizes both the giver and receiver when you do that. Learn how to accept deserved praise graciously and without being apologetic." I tried to keep that thought in mind, because I admired the coach and learned a great deal from her.In asking what would the person who loves me most say about me, I always tell people my husband loves me unconditionally and seldom ever criticizes how I look, act or what I have done (or not done) but he often tells me he likes how I make people feel welcome whether I was expecting them or totally taken by surprise and that often makes me feel like regardless of what else went right or not, someone else felt special.I have a part of a workshop I give about low self esteem and what I have come to realize is that sometimes people accept a lower self image because it feels more comfortable regardless of how wrong it is. They simply believe their "less" is all they are capable of. Learning to "be your gift" is something we all should have to do.

Kathy, What great advice from your coach. That quality your husband appreciates about you is a wonderful gift. I know someone like that--he makes everyone feel special and important. I bet your workshop is very helpful to many people. Thanks for commenting.

Beautifully written Galen!I was just saying that to someone the other day. Why is it that we keep apologizing about what we do. It's a partly a habit I'm sure. I love your Buddha and Jesus quotes, too. I especially love: “People do not light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others....” (I'd like to use that quote someday with a reference to you (and Jesus :) ) of course!!) All religions at their heart, remind people to cherish themselves. Thank you for reminding all of us!

Betsy, I know what you mean about apologizing. My daughter has the habit of apologizing for any sort of observation. I might say, "Oops, the dishwasher is full," and she will respond with an apology even though it was not her responsibility and I wasn't being critical.

You are welcome to use the Bible verse any time you like of course! You can find it at Matthew 5:14-16. And you are right. All religions share a theme of compassion.

When I was doing some intense therapy sessions early in my career, I looked deeply into why I was so driven to always do my best and yet managed to always be around and hear the criticisms only - I came up with a very good answer and have worked very hard to work towards relieving that stress in my life. I was one of the very first women Ordained from a very prestigious seminary and it was a harrowing experience, but my mother, grandmother, and sister's constant criticisms prepared me for the onslaught, but I thought if I just did well and achieved a certain status I would be loved....I think I have PTSD for my work as a pastor - only an older Catholic Priest in town held me up for years - Nothing could have prepared me for that

I just tried an intuitive painting class in San Francisco that was a lovely evening. I thought it was fun and was proud that I did not compare myself to the 9 others in the group - I loved playing with the colors and brush strokes...but then my family kept teasing that I thought I was Monet and laughing at my work...their work was framable.

I found I did not care because the experience brought me such joy. Then I used my one drawing as wrapping paper to carry that joy to another...It was my feelings.

My greatest skills are my emotions, organizing thoughts and ideas and the greatest is integrating ideas so quickly that they can truly help another person see/vision. My editor and friend says that I can also use metaphor in amazing ways and accept a compliment fully. I feel very insecure at the moment and yet very awesome...how lucky am I and I so enjoyed reading your words right now..Thank you for sharing your skill at expression and helping us to understand

Patricia, Thank you so much for sharing your story. How sad that a faith based on teachings that value women has been used to keep women "in their place." And also how sad that some of our deepest hurts come from family, the ones who should love us the most. Thanks for your comment and your kind words.

As I briefly tried the exercise in my mind, I found it difficult as well. I wonder if my nature as a perfectionist causes me to see myself in a negative light? To me flaws are so glaringly obvious while my good qualities are so seemingly minuscule. This is something I must truly work on.

I enjoyed your thoughts that self hatred are culture specific. I had never thought of it in that light, but that does make sense. We all have a lens we look through, or a paradigm rather, that is influenced by our society and culture. The challenge then becomes to initiate a paradigm shift and to then change the lens with which we view ourselves.

Ben, Thank you for giving this a try. Certainly perfectionism will block our awareness of our true limitless value. There is a book titled The Spirituality of Imperfection, and another book called How Good Do We Have To Be? You might like those.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the cultural aspect of this issue. I appreciate your comment.

a soul searching post for sure, and so relevant. I have seen women bury their guilt that comes from conforming to the standards of our culture, and that guilt is manifested in physical symptoms...never to surface as guilt.

This is difficult, even though I have done the exercise before, but in a slightly different way. Years ago I facilitated a Journal Writing course and one of the first exercises we did was to write a "character sketch" of ourselves. Participants, including myself struggled to say good, honest, positive things about ourselves for fear of sounding like ego maniacs.

After a few weeks of self-affirming exercises and open discussions it became much easier, but it never felt completely right.

The point is that we need validation - especially from ourselves to feel good about who we are. We also need permission to say it out loud once in a while. The world denies that permission and labels confident people as narcissistic and cocky.

Sadly, I know very few people who genuinually celebrate my successes and accomplishments, love me unconditionally and allow me to fly my freak flag without judgment.

My generation was not praised by our parents for fear of making us overly confident or giving us the "big head." We were taught to be meek and humble and we were criticized when we we displayed behavior that they considered to be "boastful." We grew up with mixed messages of bible teachings and never learned that not only is it healthy and appropriate to love yourself, it is essential to true happiness.

Suzanne, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights. What an interesting exercise at your journal writing class. I think it is so hard to see ourselves. It's like trying to look at your own face without a mirror! I'm sorry that you have had so little celebration of your successes. Long may your freak flag wave!

I found this to be a difficult task. My husband is always complementing and pointing out the good in me. I usually feel a little guilty if I agree. I think women have been taught to always think of others first and not to think of our own needs.

Wow, I really love this one. I believe we are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us all. We are his creations. Just hold a new born baby and you can't help but be at awe. I think it is always hard to describe who you really are. There is this thing called humility which makes it hard to say what you think another would say about you. I fear that self hatred is very prevalent in our society today.It would be nice if we could love one another as God loves us and love ourselves because God loves us. Blessings of joy to you!

LeAnn, Yes, that humility thing is troublesome. That's why I love that story about Bruce Lee. However, if we see our gifts as not "of us" but rather from a sacred source, then we can't really take credit for them. In that sense, we can shine our lights gladly and at the same time with humility. Thanks for your comment.

I am not sure if I agree that the finding is culture specific. In the case of the Dalai Lama, he probably does not have an issue with self-hatred.

I feel that mostly, it is a question of awareness. From the thousand emails written to me, self-hatred appears to be an issue that is common across races, nationalities and cultures. Many of us may not realize that we have this issue until we are made aware of it.

And yes, compassion towards self appears to be something that is not easy to apply. A good majority of us find it easier to be unkind rather than say supportive words to ourselves.

Evelyn, I was so interested in your perspective of different cultures. I might very well be off base with my thoughts on this issue. It seems to me, though, that there is a pervasive sense of unworthiness (in spite of all the national bravado) in the US and I'm curious about its origins. Your comment has motivated me to look deeper. Thank you.

Bravo! This is my favorite of your posts to date! I especially love the story about the Dalai Lama!

As I was reading I became very excited in anticipation of getting a glimpse of everyone's lists of gifts in the comments. I was dumbfounded that, although everyone praised the idea of the exercise, only a couple people actually shared their gifts! I think this proves your point! Very interesting...

I asked my Sweetheart a couple days ago what my most attractive quality is so I happen to have the answer handy. He said it is the way I adore him. This jibes with the results of a character strengths survey I took not long ago which said that my #1 character strength is 'Appreciation of Beauty'.

My son recently told me he believes my 3 most redeeming qualities are that I'm enthusiastic, adventurous and ambitious. I will own them all ;-)

Linda, That is high praise from you--thank you! I can always count on you for a unique insight, like your observation about the comments. Where did you find the character strengths survey? Sounds interesting! And thanks for sharing some of your gifts. The adventurous one I already recognized! Thanks again for commenting.

Galen,i wish I had time to read the other comments, since I may repeat what others are saying, but it is individualistic culture that self hatred comes from. More communal cultures don't even have a sense of self. It is from thinking we are separate. And feeling guilty for that. (The operations of modern power.) Self judgment! It is horrible!

Jodi, Thanks for your insights, and no you aren't repeating. What an interesting observation about individualistic versus communal cultures! I had not thought of that. It makes sense from the perspective of A Course in Miracles, which focuses on our mistaken perception of separation from each other, which creates fear. You've given me something to think about! Thanks for commenting.

Beautiful post. We do tend to shy away from shining the light on ourselves. I also agree that this is more prevalent among women than men. Our society has a quiet way of encouraging women to remain in the shadows, although things so seem to get better with each generation. Great food for thought. It is a powerful exercise, and I know I, for one will need to practice a bit before feeling completely comfortable. Take care and thanks for sharing.

I was like that, uncomfortable with praise. But today I ask the people close to me what they find the most attractive quality in me. My son says, my generosity, my strength and my pure heart. I have had a quite a few say how beautiful my heart is. I believe it is and that is why I have such beautiful people around me.

Hi Galen,That's an interesting exercise. It's hard for us to claim the good traits and all to easy for us to acknowledge the bad ones.O wonder if it's because we were raised to be humble and not to brag!:-)Lori

Lori, I think you have hit on the main issue. Is it bragging to acknowledge that we are worthy of love? To me, it is humbling to realize that I have been blessed with a beauty of soul and spirit that I take no credit for. It is mine as it is everyone's. I need not hide it, but rather rejoice and let it shine. To me, bragging is taking credit for something that separates me from someone else and, at least in my own eyes, sets me apart and above. What I am talking about here, in contrast, is the light of perfect love that shines in all of us and unites us. Thanks for pointing out this distinction.

Galen, I believe that self-hatred is a cultural dilemma, beginning at a very young age for women. We are taught what certain behaviors are appropriate and what behaviors are not in such a way that we begin to use society to influence who we are and how we act. It is very sad. It also seems to be more prevalent as our nation moves away from the belief of God. As I was growing up, I can remember my mother saying "things are so different now from when I was growing up". I remember thinking to myself that I would never say those words because I tired of them. But here I am, a mother of 2 teenagers, and I can't help but to share with my children how different things are now from when I grew up LOL.I'm not quite sure where the self hatred comes from. My daughter attended public school through 5th grade. From then on, she has been at home. Even with that short time of societal influence, she has the teenage affliction of doubt and feeling that she's not 'as good' as other girls. Regarding your exercise, I would describe myself as how my husband does: a quiet, compassionate woman who is confident within herself.Have a great weekend Galen!

Mary, Thanks for adding your insight to the discussion. I thought it was a cultural dilemma, too, but as I'm reading the comments from readers from different countries/cultures, now I'm not so sure. In the US culture, I have looked back at our cultural roots to see if I can gain some understanding. I can't help but think that the doctrine of original sin must play some part.

In India, in my generation at least, it was not considered a good idea to praise/compliment children for fear it would go to their heads. As a result children grew up finding it hard to see the good in themselves. Having done a lot of training, I'm always amazed at how people find it easier to introduce themselves by what they 'do' rather than what they 'are'. I also find that when you ask people to make a list of their good qualities, they will struggle, but if you ask them to list out areas to work on, they can't stop writing! :)I have learned the power of self-affirmation and practice it often, Galen.

Corinne, You and other readers have really hit on an important point about praise/bragging versus celebrating our gifts. It's a fine line, isn't it? We are taught to strive to be better all the time, which suggests that we are never okay just the way we are. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

Amazing post! Thank you. It comes in rather timely too, for me. It's funny though as I read through this one special time kept popping in my thoughts. While on a girl scout outing with my daughter, there were a few mothers and all the girls grouped around a speaker. The woman was quite wise- in her field, and she asked everyone to list on a piece of paper who the most important person was. Well many listed God as number one- but what she was trying to bring out for all the girls and we moms too- is that we ourselves have to be number one first for ourselves- otherwise we won't survive or be there for anyone else.

But where are the answers to your question? The answers with no apologies!? I am a spiritual, angelic being sent here to spread light on the hidden places of dreams. I am laughter and radiance, sexy, earthy, honest and determined. Words are my craft. I am mystical, curious and firey. And I don't apologize for these things.

I am late reading this post-- I have had a 27 year career as a women's health nurse practitioner (retired now) and I can agree with you that LOW SELF ESTEEM and inability to SHINE is one of women's major issues.It is a health issue.It is a spiritual issue. When women dont' value themselves, they tend to put everyone else' needs first, That means no time for exercise, deep breathing, meditation, a bike ride, or an afternoon spent doing nothing or just going to the movies with a girlfriend.

I spent a major part of my visits with women planting seeds of self-care, self-love, and embracing the beauty that each of us is.And taking some TIME OUTS for SELF.. a nap! A good book! a long drive in the country... whatever....

Many women, in particular, do not seem to know why they are here, what they are "meant" to be doing, and in this lack of self care, don[t do things for themselves that promote their OWN path...

Carolyn Myss is one of my teachers..she mentioned that life purpose is sometimes so very humble. We are not all actors or CEO's or artists..it may be that your purpose is to "be the brightest light on your block..".. which to me, means, when you smile at the elder man at the mailbox, or bake a pan of cookies, or take time to stroke your cat and give her a few extra treats-- you are wildly fulfilling your divine purpose and you are way more than "good enough.." You are a bright shining light on this planet!

AND if you happen to be a CEO, and enjoy it, well..SHINE ON ,girl! Mentor other women! Bask in your achievements once in a while.

I love your posts Galen! They make me think and feel.. I look forward to coming up with some "topic" or approach in 2013 to start blogging again also..

Madeline, You add an important aspect to this topic by connecting it to health. In your career, you have seen the impact of this pervasive belief in unworthiness. Thanks for adding this information. I'm a big fan of Carolyn Myss, and saw her speak once. Her notion of sacred contracts was fascinating to me since I taught contract law for twenty years! Thanks for commenting.

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About Me

I am a Southern girl transplanted to the Pacific Northwest. I have 5 kids, 2 grandchildren, 6 birds, and a dog.
My new blog, No Way Cafe, is about how the principle of wu wei, or non-action, can manifest in our lives, bringing peace and joy to our spirits. This blog is inspired from many sources, including the Tao Te Ching and my martial arts practice.
My first blog was about 10 habits that transformed my life from one grounded in fear to one grounded in joy. I no longer add new material to this blog but it's still online.
Galen Pearl is my pen name.