Wankmeister bids adieu

Well, it has been a fun 114 posts in the blogosphere, but apparently success has caught up with me. I applied for the job as managing editor at VeloNews.com in Boulder, Colorado, and was hired as of this morning. One condition of my new gig is that I can’t blog any more independently. This blog has received over sixteen million hits since it began little more than a year ago. What a tribute from the handful of slackers who check over and over to see if they’ve been mentioned, and whose places of employment don’t yet have SonicFirewall.

I thought it might be interesting for my half-dozen or so readers to see my job application and how I completed it as a sort of future reference, as the job will likely be vacant again soon.

The requirement: Velo Magazine is seeking a managing editor. This is a full-time, salaried position with benefits, available immediately, based in Boulder, Colorado. My response: Sign me up but I gotta stay here in SoCal, dood. Can you move your offices and stuff out here? Boulder’s a shithole. Who wants to live in a place named after a rock? I mean Im sure its nice and all.

The requirement: Candidates must have well-established experience in writing, editing, formatting and timely project management, as well as a firm understanding of all aspects of the sport of professional cycling — road, mountain, cyclocross and track. My response: I’m a gud ritter and spelchekker and got the biking shit down, bro. And here’s what I know, yo: Road is for MEN, mountain is for PUSSIES, ‘cross (not “cyclocross,” ya dooshheads) is for HARDMEN, track aint a sport unless you mean NASCAR and Im all over that shit.

The requirement: Working closely with the editor-in-chief, the managing editor is responsible for the coordination, organization, control and completion of all aspects of editorial production, from raw material to finished publication, by maintaining effective communication among the editorial, design, production and ad sales departments. My response: Nobody fukkin tells me what to do.

The requirement: Minimum skills required include a B.A. or advanced degree in journalism or related field, or equivalent work experience and working knowledge of Word, Excel and InCopy. My response: “Journalism” aint no fukkin “field” its a job description for dooshheads who want free swag in exchange for bullshit stories. I’m all in, dood. I am very nollegible about Words. Plus I Excel to. I can do everything In Copies if you show me how to work the fukkin machine but dont I get a couple hot secretaries for that shit?

The requirement: Essential skills include project management, attention to detail, communication, creativity, people skills, multitasking and decision making, all within a deadline-driven environment. My response: Yah, detail shit, that’s me, cross every fukkin i and dot ever fukkin t you ever saw. Communication? Fuckin-a I will tell it like it is. Creativity, check. I can make shit up like nobodys busness. People skilz: chicks dig me, for sure. Multiasking? I can ask for all kinds of shit–“gimme another fuckin beer now”–cool huh? Decision making–fuckin’ a I am The Decider type guy. Beer or wine? Fukkin-a beer every time, DECIDED. Deadlines, check. They dont call me Ol’ Giterdone for nothin.

The requirement: The ideal candidate will be able to spell names like Frischknecht, Maaskant and Vinokourov from memory. My response: Why the fukk I gotta remembeer it if you just speled it for me?

The requirement: The ideal candidate can list off every winner of the last 20 Tours de France. My response: What in the fukk are you talking about?

The requirement: The ideal candidate is able to fix a flat tire in under 10 minutes, using only tire levers and a mini-pump. My response: The ideal chick is a 10 stripper who owns a liquor store and turns into a pizza at midnight, but good luck with that shit, too.

The requirement: One last thing — a sense of humor always helps. My response: If I wnated to work with a bunch of fukkin clowns Id join the fukkin zoo.

Everything on this blog is strictly serious and factual. Please don’t suggest that anything here is “some sort of joke.” Really. VeloNews has been headhunting me for years now. Even though I have repeatedly called them a cheap-ass shill for the bike industry, a collection of typewriting fans who don’t even type very well, an eviscerated corpse after shitcanning O’Grady, Pelkey, Wilcockson, et al., yea, even though I have called them dooshheads, numbnuts–EVEN sausage-strokers, they continue to send me birthday cards, anniversary greetings (I was divorced in ’98), and pre-paid porno phone cards. So what could I say? Really. What would you have done?

You have got to be kidding me! There goes my incentive to ride hard, the only reason I try to kill myself is to get mentioned in your blog.

Wondering if it is bullshit, so I just e mailed your purported new boss Neil Rogers and forwarded the answers to the job description as you have posted them here asking for verification that you have in fact been hired.

If it is true, than I think the local cycling community may want to make a counter offer to hire you as the South Bay Cycling Editor in Chief. Surely Lotso would throw in some cash for all of the mentions of his CBR events, and we could pass the hat at every pier ride for a complete package..?

Couple of other questions:
1) It does not seem like you, to allow an employer to dictate a term of employement which requires you to curtail your free speech and shut down your blog, what’s up? And why would a smart attorney like you agree to such an onereous provision in your offer?
2) How much are they paying you and how much would it take to keep you here, on your blog, continuing to drop F bombs, give people a hard time and being so ridiculasly humble about your cycling skill?
3) If you do take the job will you be writing under the pen name Wankmeister?

I have my entire team at the office doing background work looking for dirt on you that we can forward to Mr. Rogers in the hope that he withdraws the offer.

Dude, I wouldn’t have expected such backstabbing from a good friend, but hey, it’s cycling! Your skulduggery obviously worked. Look at what just came in over the transom:

Dear Mr. Wankmeister:

We hereby retract our recent job offer. Due to information provided us by a certain “Wehrlissimo,” we now understand that you have been disbarred in thirteen states, are under felony investigation in ten others, and have apparently never actually ridden a bicycle. We have also confirmed that your job application was ghost written by someone named “Padraig.” Good luck in prison.

If you want all the porn, you have to get the hard copy. Part of my mission, before Wehrlissimo got me fired, was going to be broadening the appeal of cycling to include sedentary Internet porn aficionados. I think the editors liked the idea and are going to move ahead with it. First ish was going to be, “Lust in the Peloton: How Libidinal Training Can Increase Your FTP.”