10 Things to Make Shitty Airports Less Shitty

In the midst of an 8 hour and 45 minute layover in Newark, New Jersey, on route to Germany it hit me. A moment of lucidity had me wide open. I love you Cory Booker, but your airport is kinda shitty. Did you know all of the charging stations have handwritten notes on them that say “Coming Soon?” The hardware is already in. Turn on dude. Give the people their power.

For the majority of the time I have been reading “Dune,” chasing an evasive bird, and doing all I can to mitigate the ass ache this seat is bequeathing upon me. But, I also made a list of how to improve airports….

10. Movie theaters.

Right this second I will pay $20 dollars to sit in a chair that isn’t made of granite. Given that, do you know much money I would pay to lean back in a plush movie theater seat in the dark and watch sexy people kill each other and scrump? Incalculable.

9. Go-cart tracks.

I can see out the window. There is runway for days. I’ll sign the waiver. If I get hit by a plane, that’s ok. Better than a lot of the alternatives. Squish.

8. Casinos.

Imagine being able to take money from tired strangers from around the world while washing away the hours. I’d travel/not travel weekly.

7. Strip clubs.

See #10. Add 3D boobs. Subtract all of the cash in people’s pockets at the airport.

6. Arcades.

There used to be arcades in airports. What the fuck America? You used to fucking be somebody. Let me find out they have an arcade in the Berlin airport – I will disown you.

5. Gyms.

I don’t have much to say about this, but $20 for a day pass seems legit. And imagine all the conservatives on the DL getting it on in the shower.

4. Showers.

Speaking of showers, I showered in an airport once. It was epic. It felt kind of like I imagine showering in a jail would be, except that I was alone and no one forced themselves upon me.

3. Speed dating.

Why not? But let’s just make it like Tinder. Go to kiosk, swipe left. Swipe left. Pause. Proceed to #2.

2. Hourly hotel rooms.

See #3. Sleep. Sex. Party. Anything goes at the United Hourly Executive Hotel!

1. Weed cafe.

Because blowing 9 hours in this fucking shit airport requires a higher state of mind. In fact, let’s just go ahead and serve mushrooms, acid, and molly up as well. Everybody wins, especially numbers 2, 3, 4, and 7.

Artwork featured in this post are samples from Duane Hanson’s The Traveler. [↩]