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NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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Kind, Bearded Christian Has Guitar, Story To Tell

PORTLAND, OR—The parking lot of Arborview ShoppingPlex is, in most respects, no different from that of any other suburban shopping center: Shoppers and commuters hurry to and fro, busy with the hustle and bustle of hectic modern life. But something about this particular scene is different. The parking lot is alive with song.

Gerald "Jerry" Svoboda, seen here singing "The Man From Galilee," is a modern-day minstrel for the Lord, determined to spread a message of love, hope and happy sing-along fun.

In a time when community involvement often seems to be a thing of the past, it is rare indeed to find someone who reaches out to others in the hope of making the world a better place.

But here, on the outskirts of Portland, such a man exists. Though a community-mandated restraining order prevents Svoboda from actually entering the mini-mall complex, this modern-day minstrel continues his mission: to spread his message of love, hope and happy sing-along fun.

Ignoring the irritated stares of passing shoppers, he strums gently on his acoustic guitar. "Let me tell you all a story," says Svoboda, a "part-time retirement home play therapist and full-time lover of the Lord." "This is a story about a man... a man who lived 2,000 years ago... a man from Galilee."

Though onlookers eventually begin pelting him with debris, the soft-spoken crusader and self-described 'songsmith' is not deterred.

Svoboda has been playing his self-penned inspirational tunes for community residents since 1989. Sometimes, in area churches or veterans' lodges, he provides slide-show accompaniment, featuring watercolor Bible story illustrations by his friend Warren. Some would say his unique brand of personal ministry is not terribly effective, since in the eight years he has been musically witnessing, he has only converted four people to the Lord, and three of those were among a vanload of retarded adults on a field trip. But to Svoboda, each one is a victory.

"If even one soul is saved by my music, I'll keep telling my story. You know what? God loves you... and I love you too," he says, forcibly embracing a passerby.

"I enjoy talking to people, especially the kids. Because of my long hair, they trust me," he says, casually brushing aside one of his long locks like a young girl. "They know I'm one of them. I talk about this in my song 'C'mon Teens, Let's Hang Out With Jesus.' I admit, I may not know any songs by the Grateful Dead, but friend, I'm here to tell you all about the victory over death by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!"

Teenagers remain the primary focus of Svoboda's music and mission. He approaches a group of pierced, leather-clad rockers. "Say, how are you boys doing today? Just doing your own thing? I think that's neat. Say, do you ever think about God?"

Moments later, Svoboda is savagely beaten by the youths. His good-time spirit, however, is strong as ever.

"Don't worry about my ripped clothes," he says, smiling and tenderly icing his blackened eye. "I have plenty more baggy, earth-tone sweaters at home just like this one." Within an hour, he has changed clothes and received first-aid care, and is back in action.

Despite his remarkably positive attitude and never-say-die spirit, Svoboda is no stranger to adversity: An alcoholic for some 11 years, he found the Lord in 1985 after being jailed briefly for molesting cats. But with the Lord's help, those troubles are thankfully far behind him.

"And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love," he sings as the minivans and family wagons drive away at day's end, ignoring him. "Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love."

Soon, mall security will come, as they do every night, and demand that he leave. But until then, Jerry Svoboda has a story to tell—a story for us all.