Our oldest daughter, Dusty Rose O’Connor, is getting married in a few hours. She is about to become Dusty Rose Tsalkov (Saul-cov). Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. Her betrothed is Sergey Tsalkov, a young man born in Russia who emigrated with his mother as a boy from Russia to Texas. I’m pretty sure Donald Trump is responsible for Sergey Tsalkov absconding with our firstborn. But Robert Mueller and I haven’t been able to prove anything yet.

Silver screen comedian Oliver Hardy used to revel in the degradation of his on-screen partner Stan Laurel by admonishing, “Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into!” The comedy great was describing a situational dilemma known as “a pickle.” In baseball when a runner gets caught between bases with two or more fielders in pursuit and little chance of escape he is said to be caught in “a pickle.” When a lifetime imbiber of alcohol begins to show signs of poor liver function—OK, you get the idea. This is a story about the . . . well, you know . . .

According to researchers I trust because I’m far too lazy to do the leg work myself Americans, on the whole, consume more than 2.5 million pounds of pickles each and every year. And the average American consumes 8.5 jars per year all by himself. Call me frugal but I’m just thinking of all those half jars going to waste every year. If just 17 of those folks would send me their unused half jars in December I could join in on Club Gherkin without spending a dime of my own. [Read more…]

45 years ago today the Foothill High School (Sacramento, CA) Class of 1973 graduated at dusk on the football field at American River College. Jerry Wilkinson was our valedictorian speaker summoning wisdom, as I recall, from Cat Stevens’ song, “On the Road to Find Out”.

Post-It Notes were not even a thing yet. Saturday Night Live was not even a gleam in Lorne Michaels’ visionary eye.

But did we? Did we find out? Did we ever find that road? Some of us did, I suppose. Others are still out there searching, God bless ’em.

Of course, we didn’t even have GPS back then. Peter Falk’s grandfather in the classic film The Princess Bride might have scoffed, “Sure, we had GPS when I was young. It was called MAPS!”

Post-It Notes were not even a thing yet. Saturday Night Live was not even a gleam in Lorne Michaels’ visionary eye. Personal computer? A couple decades on the horizon. A pocket-sized Texas Instruments Calculator was an amazing concept that cost several hundreds of dollars. Now they are given away like pencils. Microwave ovens and telephone answering machines were just finding wider use outside their creative labs.

So many dreams were waiting to be discovered. So many roads to find and traverse.

On May 2, 1987 a young woman took my hand, placed a ring on the closest finger she could find and speedily said, “I do.” I repeated the gesture as it seemed only sporting at the time. With those two words I made Sally Klein the happiest woman in the world.

31 years have passed from that day to this, our Baskin Robbins® Anniversary. Yes, we are actually registered with the national ice cream retailer in case you were planning to send gifts in scoops, pints or those freezer-friendly 3-gallon tubs.

With those two words I made Sally Klein the happiest woman in the world.

Sally’s favorite flavor is Tax Crunch for its smooth blend of vanilla with a crackling fudge ribbon and rice crunchies. Mine is Vanilla. Like me it’s uncomplicated and melts all-too-quickly at the beach. White Desserts Matter. Right on!

But this is not a dissertation on ice cream. If it were we’d be talking SpicyWifey and ChubbyHubby. One of those is a flavor I just made up. Hey, a fella can dream, can’t he?

Wedding anniversaries are often fraught with danger for the male of the species as he is forever in danger of forgetting or confusing the day with another special event on the calendar—say, Tuesday. I have a different reason entirely for fearing spousal retribution on the day I was wed.

It’s not very often you get to launch a brand new endeavor and share it with the world. It’s even rarer when your whole family is involved. But today is that day. The O’Connor family is starting our first-ever family blog and with this article we officially have liftoff.

We call the blog From Here to Eternity because we realize, as fellow travelers, we are all on the road to discovery for whatever time we are here on the planet. While we’re here we ought to laugh and love, learn and play together while we share time in the sandbox. [Read more…]

I just saw a post on my friend’s Facebook timeline. It showed a newspaper headline that had, no doubt, been innocent when the editor typed it but could also be construed in a highly sexual manner. And it made me laugh.

It reminded me of an incident that happened (and I had to pull my calculator out for this one) 45 years ago.

In high school, as editor for the school newspaper Features Page, I received the galley to correct for the Friday edition.

“How would you like someone to carry your boobs around all day?”

I had written a feature article about “Slave Day.” Imagine having a well-intentioned, fundraising event in this day and age with that name? Now it would probably be “Voluntary Indentured Servitude Auction”.