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I have grown tired of hearing fundamentalist preachers accuse gay people of having a “Gay Agenda.’ Personally, I have never seen such a document, and it was not part of any training I ever received. As a result, I decided I ought to come up with one myself, so that the next time I am accused of having such an agenda, I will know exactly what I am being accused of. So, here’s one version — mine, that is — of what could be thought of as “The Gay Agenda.”

1. Do what you can to live in beauty. Grow vegetables and flowers; create, appreciate, and display art; attend plays and dance performances; listen to music; paint and decorate your home, however grand or humble it may be. But remember that beauty is not just what you do; more importantly, it is what you think and who you are.

2. Speak nicely to people. Treat them well. Unless, of course, they are small-minded fundamentalist bigots, in which case you may do whatever is necessary to as politely as possible point out their small mindedness and their bigotry to them.

3. Infiltrate as much as possible every profession and every area of work. Do not forget blue-collar jobs, so-called, as well as professional and artistic ones, again so-called. And by all means become a soldier or join the police force, if you feel so inclined. At least for now, however, you might wish to avoid hairdressing and window dressing, as we may already have a monopoly on these professions.

4. Have children, if you wish (although not too many — the world is already over populated). Better still, adopt them. Work with children. Young people need to know that we love them and wish them well. Otherwise, they grow up to become small-minded fundamentalist bigots (see #2 above).

5. Enter politics, if you dare. Politicians make laws which in part control our lives. It’s better to be in control of the controls, than to be controlled by controllers who wish us ill.

6. Think carefully before becoming a priest, a preacher, or a mullah, as many religions are predatory toward gay people. If you must chose such a state, you may have to hide who you are and live a life of misery and repression. Most importantly, never allow the ignorance and small mindedness of organized religion to spoil your relationship with the all-loving Divine Spirit.

7. Get married, or enter into a domestic partnership, if you can find a compatible mate. Be as happy, or as unhappy, as straight people living with their mate. In so doing, you will show that, so far at least, we have not completely unhinged the bonds of holy matrimony.

8. Travel the world, learn other languages, visit and appreciate other cultures, and be open about who you are, unless it endangers life and limb. In the latter case, be most circumspect, or avoid those places entirely whenever possible.

9. Cherish the world in general: rocks, plants, rivers, streams, lakes, and oceans, animals and all creatures, as well as people. The planet is your home, too. Do not despoil it.

10. Above all, as much as possible be honest, forthright, and kind to all. Remember that not everyone is a bigot, and many people are open and welcoming. The best way by far to spread The Gay Agenda is to act like a real human being, which by the way you are — no matter what those who push The Anti-Gay Agenda may say.