Letters I'll Never Send

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By the time you read this, I’ll probably be on my way to somewhere you don’t need to know. Anyways. Thank you. Thank you so much for being my friends. Were you true friends? I’ll never know, but there were times that you would make me feel special. Words cannot express my gratitude. I shared my painful past with you and you were there for me. For a moment that is. You know why? You basically pushed me out. The moment both of you got into relationships, you two would just talk amongst yourselves about your relationships. You didn’t even tell me about them. I had to find out for myself. I sound so selfish, but I can’t help it. They’re my emotions. I’ve shut them out for so long, they’ve simply built up… I can barely control them. My depression is coming back. I come to school with a smile on my face that says that I have my shit together. But really, I felt like crying, I felt like slitting my wrists just like I used to, I felt like screaming, I felt… Alone. I would just sit at the corner of the classroom while you just chatted, and of course I couldn’t relate. I didn’t have a significant other. So how would I know? … I honestly thought about if I do find my significant other and you notice and ask me about it, I’ll just say, “sorry for not telling you.” Exactly what you said to me. How would it feel to have two of your closest friends keep something from you? And would you know how it feels to have two of your closest friends shut you out? And if you did know, how could you bare doing that to someone else? Unintentional you say? No. Impossible. That pain you felt should have made you aware. My depression has come back and I’m back on my medication. My wrists are full of scars and my bed sheets are tear stained. I feel so much pain right now. I can’t even talk to you two anymore. It’s too much. You didn’t even notice that something was wrong. You didn’t even notice my puffy eyes or the fact that I always had a sweater on. I feel… Selfish. I feel… Like I’m the one at fault for actually feeling that way… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for feeling this way. I’m sorry for not being a good friend, and I’m sorry for being selfish. You were just living your life and I was delaying it. I’m sorry I ever stepped into your lives. Goodbye. Forever maybe. There’s so much more that I want to say, but I’ve got to go. Thank you once more… For making me feel loved. Even for just a short while.

– a lost star

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3 Responses to Is it really me?

@star

November 29, 2014 at 2:46 pm

Maybe they don’t realize how you feel, because they are so excited with what’s going on with them. Maybe they really didn’t want to shut you out, but they are in this phase where everything evolves around them and their significant other. Don’t take it personally. It’s probably just a phase.

The unfortunate thing in this life is that everything changes. The wonderful thing in this life is that the need that you had has been met and their part in your story is over, but it makes room for the new friends that are coming. The laws of Change state “everything is in the process of becoming something else. Change happens everywhere and with everyone and happens constantly. In the galaxies of outer space, where our sun will burn out in a few hundred million years, change is happening. In the subatomic world, where particles are colliding with one another and morphing into something else in hundredths of a second, change is happening. Everything is always changing.
So too in our lives, change is the one constant that we can be absolutely sure of. So why don’t we live our lives acknowledging this and initiate change on a regular basis, thus putting ourselves in harmony and rhythm with this process? Why is change so hard to embrace? We must learn to be comfortable with change and eventually embrace it. The Mind Power practitioner works with the law of change, initiating changes through choice, will and practice. Initiating change while flowing with the changes as they happen, is a dance with life that the Mind Power practitioner loves to do. There are three main factors that are the causes of change in our life: choice, chance and crisis. All three carry power and have their own particular dynamic. So see dear friend this is something that we all experience. It is the choices we make that determine how we react. You are not alone. One door closed but three more have opened. You just have to walk thru.

You don’t need to say goodbye, please don’t.
Don’t feel sorry, don’t say sorry, you are better than apologies.
You aren’t at fault. You aren’t selfish. You are a piece of artwork.
You’re priceless. Each tear you painted into your bed, each mark etched into your skin…
It was your story. You are an author, and an artist, and someone worth life.
The emotions you feel are the brushes to your masterpiece.
If they couldn’t notice you, then their worlds must be filled with selfish, dull colors.
You know deep down exactly how to paint celestial murals.
They only look around and see blindness.
If you feel lost, fret not, your light will shine on someone,
and they will be awestruck by your beauty and grace.
They will find you as long as you keep shining your light.