NFL Power Rankings Week 14: Comparing Teams to Alcoholic Drinks

Let's all be real here. Turkey and Mashed Potatoes are great and all, but no red-blooded man would pass up a nice cold beer for any of the holiday fixin's in my last power rankings article.

Ham and crescent rolls may be great and all, but when family comes to town—alcohol is the only spirit that today's Bob Cratchit wants taking him on any special adventures.

Alcohol and football are connected more than any two substances in the history of the world. Every other commercial on Sundays is for "taste as cold as the Rockies." It is mildly surprising that InBev hasn't purchased the naming rights for the entire league. (Cindy McCain Field anyone?)

So for this week, the NFL Franchises are being ranked and paired up with alcoholic beverages that compare.

Remember, this isn't a ranking of alcoholic beverages. Think of the power rankings as a line but the drinks as a scatterplot—so no arguments about the merits of margaritas over martinis.

Enjoy the power rankings and feel free to contribute in the comment section below.

30) Detroit Lions—Boston Cooler

If Tampa Bay is 31, Detroit is 30.99.

Detroit may have one more win than St. Louis and Tampa Bay, but Washington and Cleveland don't mean squat in terms of quality wins. Detroit gets the benefit of the doubt because their last win was more recent.

St. Louis, while one win behind Detroit, has that win over the Lions.

A Boston Cooler is a Detroit specialty—named after Detroit's Boston Boulevard. In its purest form, a Boston Cooler is Vernons' Ginger Ale and vanilla ice cream...a prohibition treat. That's right, no alcohol in this one.

The Detroit Lions trying to win a football game is about as sad as a man trying to drown his sorrows with an ice cream float.

27) Washington Redskins—Zima

Imagine sitting at a bar, just you and a buddy. The bartender comes over and jokes around with you—offering the only two men in his bar a free drink. Of course, feeling adventurous, one must accept.

As you await some sort of disgustingly strong spirit passed your way, the bartender—apparently a dick—hands you and your friend a couple of Zima's.

Now, the scene can only play out one way.

Two beer-league softball teams walk in and see two pansies at the bar drinking Zima. The rest of the night is spent accepting more rounds of the girly-man brew from the winning team's clean-up hitter as everyone at the bar chuckles at your expense.

Washington Redskins fans are the only people reading this who understand that feeling...unless you drink Zima.

26) Buffalo Bills—Ice House

25) Carolina Panthers—Mint Julep

Mint Juleps are popular throughout the south, most notably in Kentucky where the annual derby serves the old-time drink as its official beverage.

A "Carolina Mint Julep" combines the mint, bourbon, sugar, and water with a Carolina favorite—sweet tea.

The mint julep is all about the horses, so are the Carolina Panthers. Hitch the train to DeAngelo Williams or Jonathan Stewart and things go well. When the cart was attached to Jake Delhomme, not so much.

21) San Francisco 49ers—Rum and Coke

No one drinks Rum and Coke so they have an excuse to drink some really good Coca Cola. People drink Rum and Coke because Coke makes the Rum more palatable. Leave the rum out of the equation and one might as well go to McDonald's.

Frank Gore is 28th in the league in rushing attempts.

That's like a cheap bartender pouring half a shot in a glass full of watered-down Coke.

20) Seattle Seahawks—Bailey's Irish Cream

The comparison doesn't stop there though. Bailey's like all cream, acts on the general principle that if placed with another beverage, it will rise to the top and float there.

Cream rising to the top is a long-used analogy for talent rising to the top, refusing to be hidden among inferior athletes.

Actually, nevermind, consider this the anti-comparison for this slideshow. The Seattle Seahawks were being billed as a contender this season but at 5-7 are staying at the bottom of the NFC West lowball glass.

19) Pittsburgh Steelers—Steel Reserve

Steel Reserve is higher on this scatterplot of beverages than it should be. In terms of "beers," it ranks among the worst ever. Steel Reserve is bought mostly by college students who have toked away most of their taste buds.

High on alcohol content and little else, Steel Reserve has a short shelf life as a young man's favorite beverage. And if the alcohol is removed? Steel Reserve has absolutely nothing else going for it.

The Pittsburgh Steelers window probably isn't closing as fast as Pats, Ravens, and Bengals fans would love us to believe...but it does seem to be a little tighter this year.

It turns out Troy Polamalu was far and away the most important component to the puzzle. Take it away, and the Steelers are mostly useless.

17) Baltimore Ravens—Bloody Mary

Bloody Marys are what they are...nothing more.

No (sane) man walked into a bar at happy hour and orders a bloody mary. No (able bodied) person ever craves a bloody mary after 11am. No (non-medicated) individual calls bloody mary his or her favorite drink.

Bloody Marys are meant for "hair of the dog" treatment and giving classy people a reason to drink before noon. (As if the economy wasn't enough of a reason).

The Ravens are a solid, slightly above average, football team...nothing more.

13) Jacksonville Jaguars—Martini

In fact, Martinis have acquired a stigma thanks to Bravo-watchers and their bastardization of the once quintessential man's drink.

Any person who has consumed an Appletini should immediately send their man card to Mike Golic...he'll know what to do with it.

In the same way, the public has been lulled into forgetting about the Jaguars. Jacksonville is in the middle of a AFC wild card hunt and can't sell out their stadium. Jacksonville, a decent sized media market is rumored to be losing its team if L.A. ever gets their act together.

If the Jaguars make the playoffs and no one cares...does it make a sound?

4) Minnesota Vikings—Black and Tan

A Black and Tan is a bar-trick which delicately balances a lager (often Harp) on a richer, darker stout (often Guinness).

The touch of the bartender is just as important as the quality of the materials.

Nothing truer could be said about the Minnesota Vikings. The men in purple are the most talented all-around team in the league. However, as seen in the Arizona desert, the team can only be as successful as the coaching lets them.

3) San Diego Chargers—Screwdriver

The San Diego Chargers are on the quietest seven game winning streak in football history.

Once 2-3 and considered out of the division race, the Chargers have bolted to a 9-3 record. The rest of the schedule is very winnable for San Diego who could end up as high as a two seed in the playoffs.

Most importantly, the Chargers should not have to play in cold weather again this season—regular season or the playoffs.

The screwdriver, a mixture of vodka and orange juice is, quietly, a very popular drink. No one would ever refused to drink orange juice and vodka. In fact, the drink is quickly regaining popularity has experts claim the OJ helps fend off hangovers.

If you're getting schnookered, might as well get your vitamin C at the same time.

1) Indianapolis Colts—Johnny Walker Black Label

Peyton Manning could take Paul Crewe's prison squad to a Super Bowl. No matter what life throws at him, he just keeps on walking.

If anyone considers themselves a man and hasn't had a glass or two of Johnny Walker Black in his day, that person is wrong.

Black is the standard by which everything else is judged. As of right now, the Indianapolis Colts are in a similar position.

Michael Schottey is a Detroit Lions Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report and the producer and host of The Average Joe Sports Show on 860AM KNUJ (New Ulm, MN). He is also an NFL Analyst and Senior Writer for DraftTek.com. Follow Him at Twitter.com/Schottey