Ego

I read another blog this morning, Vanilla Mom’s, which you can find here. It got me thinking about ego, and the differences in ego in gender.

I think the differences in ego have a lot to do with gender. ‘nilla describes feeling needy and equates it with being a submissive, and certainly, I think that’s part of it.

But I think part of it, too, is that women are programmed to look to others for our validation. Certainly, I think that in general submissives are more given to self-doubt than dominants because, well, it’s pretty fucking obvious, right?

But I think in general, when you compare women to men, regardless of their power orientation, it’s true that there are significant gender differences. That’s not to say that all men or all women are alike, or that there are exceptions to rules and degrees to which something is exhibited, both, but I think women are as a gender more needy/insecure than men.

I’ve had a lot of submissives in my time, and they have all been male. I have never had a submissive I felt was needy in the same way ‘nilla describes, in the way I know a lot of female submissives are.

I don’t think it was that they cared for me less or were bad submissives, but they just aren’t needy. They don’t worry and fret and almost half-expect at some point you will lose interest.

Now that makes female submissives sound awful, and I don’t mean that at all. I know, however, how I am, and one of the things I usually tell anyone who is “auditioning” for the role of submissive, is that I am not normally bitchy to deal with. If I *am* bitchy it’s because I feel neglected, and that they need to be more attentive.

But I have the ability to do that, because I run the relationship.

It’s kind of hard for a submissive to say, Sir, when I feel neglected, that’s when I get all clingy and kind of whiny, so could you pay more attention to me then and then I’ll be fine?

I mean, you can say, “Sir, I think that some of my recent behavior was brought on by not having much time together lately, and I’m sorry for my actions, but do you think we could address the issue?”

Well, you could.

And probably should more often, frankly.

But as the Top, there are times when my reaction would be “I have a plan and don’t care to discuss it.” Not always, and I think that’s the key, but this is different than vanilla. It is not an equal partnership.

My answer also might be “Suck it up.”

So, I think that in terms of validation, females submissives kind of got the short end of both sticks, as it were.

And they deal with men, usually, who are not great at recognizing that perhaps verbalizing some of the things that I know they think – how cute and sexy and fun and adorable you are, flaws and all.

I have talked some about envying people who seem to have easy confidence, because that’s not always easy for me, and I know people who know me are shaking their heads, sure that I’m lying.

I believe in fake it till you make it.

Act in the way you want to be seen, and you will be seen in that way.

Act as though the world is your oyster, and it will be.

I am more inclined to question my own actions, I think, than a lot – though not all – male dominants.

I know the less than pretty bits of my personality fairly well, just as I know my best attributes.

I know how altruistic my motives are, and aren’t.

It’s hard for me to overlook the warts and blemishes I know so well.

You know how it is. You take a great photo of the family and when you see it, you know that your sister-in-law will immediately notice that her hair looks awful or she looks too fat, and forget to notice that she looks fine, as does her family, and that, most of all, it is how she looks.

You compliment the woman at work on her outfit and instead of smiling prettily and saying, “Oh, thank you, the sweater was a gift and I really liked the color,” she points out the run in her hose and how she needs a hair cut.

I think for women, maturity is often a journey to, if not self-love, then at least self-acceptance. You work harder and harder at giving yourself at least half the break that you’d give anyone else. Not that you’re trying to go easy on yourself, but that you are, at least, being reasonable about the whole thing.

Maybe it’s an interesting parallel, because I think while women’s journey is learning better to look outward, I suspect that the journey for men is almost the opposite, learning to turn focus inward, to still themselves.

Or, here’s a thought, maybe I’m full of shit.

It’s possible, you know.

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4 comments to Ego

September 8, 2012 at 3:44 am

SirQsmlbsays:

Wow, this post has some fabulous insight. Thank you. You have a more unique POV in the blogosphere as a female Domme. I think you hit many nails on the head. I especially love:
“You work harder and harder at giving yourself at least half the break that you’d give anyone else. Not that you’re trying to go easy on yourself, but that you are, at least, being reasonable about the whole thing.”. Thanks for NOT being full of shit – need validation 🙂

Thank you. I needed to hear this. As a submissive woman, of a certain age, in a relationship with a dominant who has had his share of “stuff” to deal with in the last couple of years — I find myself in that “needy, whiney, clingy” place. And there is no place to go with it all. So, suck it up, is the advice I give myself on a lot of days. My own ego wants what it wants, and I know the dynamics of the dynamic enough to know that isn’t how it works — but the ego is not inclined to be silenced so easily. Sometimes, life is a matter of knowing where we are just now, and knowing, too, that it will not always be this way. That isn’t ego. It’s experience.

What a nice comment. I always remember what the slave of a friend said. slave limey is a lovely man, and he has a Mistress, Goddess Lakshimi, who can be a bit larger than life, both literally and figuratively. I heard him speak once where he said that it was not always easy to be a slave, to obey. But when that happened, what he tried to do was take some quiet time and remind himself that this was what he had chosen, that it wasn’t easy, but this was what he had chosen to do, and how he had chosen to live, and that he had given his word that it was what he would do.

I don’t think this life is an easy one. We walk a lot of edges – edges between being too nice, being too mean. Demanding too much, not demanding enough. Giving too much, not giving enough. Accepting that pain often comes with love, we are just more literal and honest about that, and that obedience is not easy, not always.

I wrote something a while back about serving with a glad heart, something that matters to me, but I don’t think that it’s easy to always have a glad heart. Sometimes it’s just putting one foot in front of the other and waiting until the path gets a little easier and the scenery is a lot more enjoyable.