I just left a comment on a friend's blog -- seriously, like five minutes ago -- and the comment involved one of Those Stories. Those Stories are the stories that are too embarrassing to tell on my own blog. Obviously, I don't have many of Those Stories, because I don't have much shame. It's been well-established that I am a thumping idiot who regularly assaults the very idea of human dignity, so why hold back further evidence to the blog's thesis? That's just not how I do things around here. I am way scientific.

Occasionally I meet people and realize that wow, it IS kind of awkward when I'm all, "So what's your dog's name?" and they're all, "I remember the time your dog jumped into your toilet! That was hilarious!" But I usually get over that, and chances are even if you DON'T read my blog you've heard the toilet dog story, because I like to tell that one at fancy dinner parties.

But! Anyway! My point is, at one time in my life I had standards and would not stoop to completely humiliating myself just for the sake of a blog entry, and 1) that time is past, having ended sometime around the whole "pooping on the delivery table", and 2) I had a really, really boring weekend.

And I don't mean a little achoo! related leakage. I mean the absolute worst-case scenario of breathtaking incontinence. It's soaking my clothes and my chair and I can feel it running down my legs and pantyhose and oh my God, it's making a SOUND as it's dripping onto the plastic mat under my desk.

So I did the only thing I could think to do, given the circumstances. I kept talking to my friend as if nothing had happened at all. Only LOUDER, just to drown out the suspicious drippy noises.

About 10 minutes later she left and I dove at the door and slammed it shut, and then spun around to confront the horror. What to do what to do what to do?

Whew. That felt good to finally confess. I feel like I really helped some people today. Good work. And I'm one step closer to that lucrative banner campaign from Depends.

However, to any of my former coworkers: Uh, no! That's totally not my chair you're using now. I...uh, heard they got rid of it. Yes. They sent it upstate to live on a farm. With the other chairs and the puppies.

-wear spanx to sister's couples shower
-go to bathroom
-realize the hole they leave in the crotch doesn't work so well AFTER your pants are pulled back up
-line out the door for the facilities
-try to find a blowdryer under random person I don't know's counter
-cry on the inside

Geez, that was awesome. My kids came in to see why I was crying and laughing simultaneously. I never did pee myself, (THANK GOD) but I did have the wonderful experience of puking up lunch into my garbage can on various occasions. Ahhhh. Memories...

I've been lurking ever since I found your post about dropping your iPhone in the toilet, because I too, sadly, dropped my iPhone in a toilet... unfortunately it took me 15 minutes to figure out where it was...

Today, I nearly wet myself at my desk ...gotta run now, but I just had to finally post something and thank you for being so hysterically-funny!

When I was pregnant with my first and still working, I received some helpful advice. A nurse at my doctor's office told me to always carry around a bottle of water with me during those really big pregnancy months just in case I have a bladder control issue or my water breaks, then she said just spill the bottle all over yourself and blame it on being clumsy. I never had to actually utilize the bottle of water, but I always thought it was a good idea.

That whole "yeah, I know...I read about it in your blog" from almost total strangers is one of the weirdest things about this whole blog experience. I'm still not totally okay with it...but I figure if the person is still talking to me, it must not be that bad.

Haha. Or the one where I really really really needed to make it to class because I was the teacher, after all, and all the students were already waiting, and I had to go so badly that I missed the highway exit and then peed allover myself and the car while driving and STILL had to go teach a class? With my jacket wrapped around my waist?

Haha. Or the one where I really really really needed to make it to class because I was the teacher, after all, and all the students were already waiting, and I had to go so badly that I missed the highway exit and then peed allover myself and the car while driving and STILL had to go teach a class? With my jacket wrapped around my waist?

So this'll have to be mostly anonymous but I thought you would feel better if I shared the fact that this happened to me....except it wasn't pee. The chair was fortunately not contaminated but OMG!! I've never admitted that to anyone ;)

You just know today is going to be the day a Very Important Person who has heard about your blog and is considering you for a fabulous new opportunity is going to have a look at what all the Amalah hype is all about.

Awesome story! You have such a gift with words. Which is far superior to the gift of continence! (Says the girl who wore a Poise pad for the last six weeks of pregnancy, just in case.)

Next can you address how to "manage" that pesky pregnancy flatulence that OMG just leaps from your sphincter to make the loudest of loud sounds during staff meetings or per se in front of the male secretary whilst the two of you are standing at the printer waiting for your job to come through? Do you address it head-on or just keep talking like it didn't happen?

Never peed myself during my pregnancy. However, I did vomit in the room with a client. And even that doesn't sound that bad...but you see I'm a massage therapist. So, during your nice, relaxing massage...there is me in the corner wretching my brains out!!! Completely horrified...and the massage was completely free!!!

For me, I was on my way home from work. I had ALREADY peed in anticipation of the ride, of course. And I realized I needed to pull over and find a bathroom. There was no traffic, and there was a fast food place rightthere. I still couldn't make it, and peed in my carseat. :blush:

I may or may not have peed like a liter of urine on myself at rite-aid a few months ago. I definitely wasn't pregnant. Thank god I was with a friend who was sympathetic, bought her stuff quickly and then we jetted.

(In my defense I had been holding it for hours and rite-aid is 1 block from my house. I think my bladder just kind of jumped the gun.)

I peed on a friend's couch about a month ago. From laughter. Thank goodness he's gay and has a mother and a sister, and that the couch had a removable, washable cover.

What I didn't tell him is that he only found out about the SECOND pee. The first one, I hastily blotted up/blew on (while he was in the kitchen) until it dried. Wine+laughter=incontinence. I come prepared now.

As you're nearing your time, I will pass on some wisdom for women with your "tendancy". When shopping, or anywhere else for that matter, carry a large glass jar of pickles, which you can dash to the floor should you pee yourself or your waters break. Thank god that's all behind me now!

Oh, I can somewhat relate. B/c when I was in first grade, I managed to pee my pants as I was going down the playground slide. And in my defense! I hadn't had an accident before for years before. I wasn't a bed wetter or anything! Total fluke as far as I can tell. Fortunately, or unfortunately, my brother was the kid who went down right after me and he immediately detected what happened. I remember him kinda announcing it when he got to the the bottom of the slide, but I don't think anyone else (except our mother) ever really found out. And now you and anyone else who reads the comments... I can't even bring myself put my real name up here! Eek. Kudos to you for the courage to share your story!

Near the end of my pregnancy I did the sneeze induced pee and was certain it was amniotic fluid! Sadly, it was not and I went a week overdue. Great story. I once farted in yoga class, similar but less clean up!

My best friend got pregnant in our senior year of high school. She was 30+ weeks pregnant when the baby did some crafty kicking right on her bladder and she wound up peeing on herself right there in our plastic, molded to fit high school butt, chairs. She was so mortified. She just took her maternity leave (is it called that in high school?) early.

This was the best part of my day - I nearly peed my pants while reading it -I had tears streaming down my face and was having trouble breathing...my husband thought I was having some kind of allergic reaction to something. Thank you for sharing!

When I was about 11 weeks pregnant with the J-man, I went to Cracker Barrel for lunch, because I didn't feel all that well, and figured I should eat something bland. I got the waiter to bring me out a biscuit and tea quickly because I started feeling really bad.
I realized I was going to throw up, and got to the bathroom in time, but while throwing up wet my pants so hard a puddle formed underneath me.
A phalanx of 6 waitresses escorted me to my car since my light gray pants were obviously very wet, as were my socks and shoes. "squish, squish, squish."

My incident: I worked in major retail hell type establishment, and
was on thankfully a light duty because the employees? took care of each other. Sneezed, peed, wrapped jacket around waist and told supervisor I. WAS. GOING. HOME. Then spoke to everyone I knew on the way out the door as if nothing had happened. Then cried in the car because this baby? was killing my dignity.

Confession.
When I was pregnant, we spent christmas eve at my aunts house. The television was on and a commercial for a product called "Urine Be Gone" came on. The combination of the commercials don pardo-esque announcer, 1980's production values, and an actor using a blacklight to reveal old urine stains on every conceivable surface of a typical suburban household - the kitchen table, the walls, the ceiling...- sent me over the edge laughing. I peed on the couch...and blamed it on the dog.
This is one of the many reasons that I am sick of irony.

You practically made ME pee my pants with "Maybe someone will give you an M&M if you make it to the potty like a big girl this time!" and the line about the chair farm. I'm so sorry that happened, but dang, you make it sound funny.

The comments on your 11 weeks post are closed, but I wanted to let you know that I did the exact same thing with the little doplar thingy-ba-bob. Except I still have mine. And I will definitely not be using it in the future. It's yours if you want it. Just drop me an email and let me know.

Oh darlin, I can so relate. So I'm about 22 weeks pregnant, and in my doctors office, because I feel deathly ill, like I have a fever, and my skin is going to burst like a baked potato. This is my first pregnancy, and I'm stuck between a pregnant lady who is at 32 weeks, and has been having contractions since 6 am, and another pregnant lady who has her one year old with her and... ooh god, I'm gonna be sick, right now. So I make it to the bathroom, and am vomiting into the sink, and then, I'm also, simultaneously peeing my pants. As you put it, soaking myself, pee running down my leg, wetting myself. And all I can think is, this has got to be one of the lowest points in my life. And Bébé, you had better be worth it. And I know it will be worth it, but I can only hope I have the restraint not to bring this particular story up at some socially inappropriate time to throw in Bébé's face, such as when he/she is 13 and trying to impress the friends, and... well, let's just pray that self-restraint better be mama's new best friend!!

Nah - if you were truly at the point of total-humiliation-for-the-sake-of-the-blog, this entry would have been accompanied by pictures of the offending puddle and a pile of soggy newsletters (both with witty captions, naturally).

Gah, I feel your pain. I never had such a, ahem, awkward experience, but let's just say I learned the hard way to wear pads the last few weeks of my pregnancy. The one really bad time I had was the one time I was sick (I know, I know, don't throw things at me) while pregnant. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was lurched over the bowl puking, I started peeing on myself at the same time, but of course I couldn't do anything about it because of the barfing. Oh, the cruel paralysis. To add more fluids to the mix, I cried the whole time I cleaned up the floor.
Thanks for sharing. You know this kid's gonna be worth it!

I almost just peed my non-pregnant pants reading that. However, I did just find this post especially ironic (for me to be reading) since I just drafted a post asking the moms who read my blog to give me reasons NOT to worry about pregnancy and childbirth. So... thanks?

Act I: I turn and walk away from a display and I feel a little "wet spot" like I had peed a little. I head to the ladies room and stash some REALLY scratchy paper towels in my undies.

Act II: I head back to the floor and with each step, it gets worse. I head back for more paper towels.

Act III: Coworker banging on bathroom door demanding to know what's wrong and if I'm okay. I tell that there's something wrong with my bladder because every time I move, I pee. She talks me into coming out and calling my OB.

Act IV: I call my OB, tell her my bladder is broken, she tells me to come right in.

Act V: I shuffle to my car with WADS of scratchy paper towels under my skirt. My shoes are now doing the "squish-squish" with each step and my stockings are turning blue from the dye in my shoes. Drive self to OB while barefooted because shoes are too slippery to operate pedals.

Wow. Google reader recommended your blog to me and I am so glad. The second I read that your dog jumped in the toilet, I immediately searched "toilet dog" on your search bar and read the story. EXACT same things happened to us. Dear husband was peeing with the door open and I was playing with the new puppy on the bed. She was all excited, jumped off the bed, went to jump on my husband and landed right in the toilet bowl. Of course she didn't stop there, my husband lifted her out and she proceeded to run all through the house.

That was fun. But anyways, long story short, I look forward to reading more of your blog

I had a stomach virus but had to come into the office. I always get to the office hours before anyone else. I'm riding the subway and my stomach starts to knot. I commute on the subway for an hour and by the time I reach my office building my stomach is severely cramping and I'm sweating. I make it into the office building and the flood gates open right by the cocierge desk, which is unoccupied since it is off hours. My undies are muddy and I'm dripping into my sneakers. I clench my butt cheeks and leave a trail to the elevator. I drop my bag by my office (which is directly across from the restroom) and clench my butt while I open the first door to the bathroom. I'm drenched in sweat and as I reach for the second door all hell breaks loose. I strip out of my pants, panties and sneakers. Dash back to my office for the Lysol, Fantastic and a bag with two pairs of slacks I forgot to take home several months ago. Drop soiled clothes into trash bin and tie the bag closed. Wash sneakers in the sink. Scrub floor and self. Put on clean, unhemmed pants. My assistant helped me hem the other pants when she got in.

I went through two packages of the super-duper thick (diaper sized) maxi pads last week with a cough. And they still weren't enough. There were days I changed my pants FIVE TIMES in ONE DAY even with the maxi pads.

So yeah - been there. But I haven't quite been brave enough to tell the internet yet. (grin)

I think *I* may have peed just a little from laughing while I was reading that. And yes, I have to admit that, if it was me, there'd be a tiny little part of my brain thinking, "Well, on the upside, at least one day I'll be able to blog this..."

Thank the Lord that you had your own office, though. Me, I've only ever worked in open plan offices. With people. Some of whom were men. Oh the horror, the horror...

And I thought I had it tough when I went through a phase as a child where if something funny startled me and made me laugh I would pee my pants- as long as, of course, I was not at home...so I'd have to rush to the bathroom and put wadded-up toilet paper in my undies. And it wouldn't matter if I had gone to the bathroom just minutes before. *sigh*
That hasn't happened in quite a while...but now I know from your post and the comments that things could not only be worse but spectacularly worse! :)

Uh, did you used to work in Oklahoma? Because *after* they gave me my chair, one of the IT guys mentioned some previous employee peed in it one time because she was stuck on a phonecall. Thanks a lot, new job, for providing me with the best equipment available.

Don't think of it as humiliating yourself for the sake of a blog entry... think of it as selflessly sacrificing your own dignity to assure the rest of us that yes, this shit really does happen to the best of us. :) Long time lurker, first time commenter. Love your site, I really do. You never fail to make me randomly laugh aloud, much to the confusion of my co-workers.

I have two stories. The first was when I was having terrible bowel issues from a medication I was taking, and had to go pick up more medication at the pharmacy. While waiting for my drugs, the "urge" hit and I asked where was the restroom. Surprise, it's not in the pharmacy at all, but in the clinic next door! So I started the long trek across the parking lot - stubbed my toe on a rough spot in the asphalt, and lost it. I'd had no idea up to then that the toe was connected to the sphincter.

The second story is funny now, although at the time it was infuriating. I ride the bus to work, and sometimes the ride seems longer than others, and I usually really need to pee by the time I get off. Like NOW! So on this one particular evening I had gotten off, not at home, but at the grocery store, and I knew that first thing I was going to have to use their bathroom. As usual, when you really need to pee and you see the toilet, it makes the urge almost uncontrollable. I walked into the grocery store restroom, saw the toilet, thought "I need to hurry" and not wanting to put my bag on the less-than-spotless floor, simply tossed it into the sink with one hand while unbuttoning pants with the other. Sat down, felt the blessed relief - only to realize that their sink had one of the faucets that turns on when you pass something underneath it, and it was filling my purse as I sat there. I could do nothing but sit there peeing and watching my purse fill.

This is why I love your blog. You make me laugh. I love the Puppy Bowl comment the best. I thought it was embarrassing when my water broke and I had a huge wet spot on my jeans and was dripping on the floor of the ER.

I haven't commented in a long long time (because really, what's the point when 1000 people get there before me and say everything I could possibly say), but I have to tell you how much I love you for posting this. It made may day, seriously. I can't tell you how much I needed the laugh. And how good it is to know that there are people in the world who are a)so fucking funny and b) so willing to completely humiliate themselves for my entertainment.

Umm, I can't say I full on peed my pants in public, but a little trickle here and there during pregnancy is true. However, whenever I throw-up, I tend to pee at the same time. Kind of hard to throw-up and pee in the toilet at the same time. Oh well, such as life and pregnancy. Take the good with the bad and the embarrassing.

I pissed myself once during an assembly in High School. It was one of those "hypnotists." he was hysterical, I was hysterical and doh~ all over the bleachers. Always wear a cardie. Take it off, wrap it around your waist. Done.

A former co-worker here delurking to say hello! It's JoLynn - may I have been the co-worker to have dropped by? I doubt it because I am not that funny. Anyway, I think of you often and would like to get back in touch! Miss you.

Before I married him, my husband made me laugh so hard that I peed. All over the kitchen floor. And then I burst into tears. I married him anyway.

Once I was doing an interview that I'd been working to get for MONTHS with a Very Important and Rather Uncooperative Subject. We'd been on the phone for just a bit when I realized I Had To Go, Baaaad. But I had to stay on the phone. If we stopped the interview, it might be another month before I'd hear from him again, and my deadline was very close. It got worse and worse by the minute. I was sweating! I was shaking! I was doomed!