Working mum

So I’ve been back at work now for nearly 3 months and it’s all going well, kind of. I think the mum guilt is always there hovering in the background but it’s a lot easier now. I think time just makes it that way. Everything always seems worse than it actually is. That being said, being a full time working mum and have a 14 month old has it’s dramas!

Some of the dramas

Emily Waking up Before me. I generally try and get up at 5.45am, have a 5 minutes shower get dressed ready for her to wake up at 6am. But when she wakes up at 5.30am, a toddler can do a lot of damage in 5 minutes while you have a shower. Some words of advice, don’t leave toilet roll or the toilet brush in reach!

Poorly Child. This is where I am very lucky, as I have only been called in once, the day after emily had her 1st year injections. But some kids are poorly all the time, and poor parents having to stop work and pick them up.

Taking Random Holiday days to Spend Time with Emily. I had this lovely idea that the days I take off will be utterly appreciated by Emily. Nope! The days I have taken off, because I feel like a bad mum Emily decides to play up, I end up getting stressed and thinking why did I bother. I thought at 14 months she would appreciate the fact I have just used a days holiday.

Other Mums – “I just don’t know how you work full time” – Shut Up! I feel guilty enough, without all the judgement people. We all have to do what is right for us and our family. You never know other people’s circumstances, so no judging or condescending words please.

The Bad Nights Sleep – Emily is a good sleeper but there are nights when she thinks, I know lets piss mummy off and not sleep for 3 hours. Going to work with minimal sleep is horrendous. I am direct and grumpy enough, armed with no sleep = Don’t Talk to Me Colleagues, Just Walk the Other Way! Shame I work in sales ekkkk…. So now, I just go to sleep at 8.30pm in preparation.

Looking Like Shit – All the Time! – I am not a slim beauty, so without the time to put on make up and wash my hair, I look rubbish all the time. When I do put on make up, and curl my hair I feel like a different person, but I don’t have time to do that on a daily basis. I mean I am lucky if I have time for a poo in the mornings and wash my hair twice a week. If Emily gets food on me, I don’t even change, I just wipe it off. Then I see some of my stunning mum friends on FB or Insta looking amazing and I think oh my god, what am I doing wrong?

Nursery Fees – Luckily Emily is only in Nursery 3 times a week, but that’s still £800 a month. I think I have succumbed to the fact that I will never have money again, as it’s just going to get worse when more babies come along.

I am Always Late– I have to drop Emily off in the morning, and I am always 5 minutes late to work, I do always make up the time, but I used to turn up at least 30 minutes early. No one ever says anything, but I know I would have judged prior to having Emily.

It would be great to hear other peoples working dramas?

Being a working mum comes with it dramas. The biggest is not spending time with my beautiful daughter, but it is what it is and it works for us at the moment. It’s tough trying to juggle everything, but then so is being a full time mum. I don’t think any mum has it easy.

This month we had the dreaded 1 year injections!!! All the injections before have been fine, but these ones were something else. The first few days after were fine but then you got a high temperature and got sent home from nursery. 9-10 days after you came out in a rash. It was all over your front and back. I rang 111 and they wanted you to see an out of hours doctor, so we waited around all day just to find out it was due to the injections. I don’t know why I bothered, I knew you were ok, but you will realise when you have a child you always air on the side of caution.

Development wise, you did your first step 5th Feb. But that’s all it was, A STEP. Nothing since. I really think you’re just lazy, and can’t be bothered. You climb upstairs, you stand up but you’re just not interested in walking. You even know how to safely get off the sofa.

You are continually saying dada, you even pointed to a picture of dada and said it. Whereas you don’t care about the word mama. I try all the time, and you reply with dada. You babble all the time, waving your arms around you’re so expressive it makes me chuckle.

Mama and dada should have done it before, but you now hold your own bottle in the morning & night. In the morning you lay on your bean bag whilst watching CBeebies while mummy makes her breakfast. At night you hold your bottle while mama reads you a story. You’ve really started to get into books.

Sleeping is much the same, you go down well but you’re now a fan of waking up at 5-5.30am. Not sure why? Or how I get you to sleep in, but mama is very tired. You now only have 1 nap around 11-1pm and this seems to work for you.

You’re starting to get a bit aggy at nursery. This month you’ve got in 2 fights and bitten 3 people at Nursery. You don’t mean it, apparently you get over excited. It’s so embarrassing though, because one of the babies you bit was your friend and mummy is friends with her mummy. I need to work out how to stop you biting, but I don’t know how?

I think next month we should get you using a spoon on your own….. it’s so hard knowing when and what to do, but I think we’re a little behind on this development stepping stone.

So the tears have finally come. I thought I was all cool and then bloody Ed Sheeran’s ‘Perfect’ comes on the radio and I’m literally talking to myself whilst hyperventilating. How does music do that??!! When my friends went back to work, and they said they were all emotional I remember thinking.. Really???! But it’s almost like a big wave of guilt comes crashing down on you that you will only experience once it happens to you.

When I thought about going back to work, I thought I’m going to make a real effort in my appearance so I don’t look so awful. But who has time for that! I wake up at 6am, and generally have about 15 minutes to have a shower and get ready before Emily screams ‘I’m awake’ (Not literally as she can’t talk, but you get my drift). So there is me trying to put on mascara whilst keeping one eye on Emily making sure she doesn’t fall off the bed and the other on the mirror. How do mums have their shit together and look so good!! I seriously need a lesson and would love to hear how other mums do it… So please fellow mums, how do you look so good? And those mums that say they have time for the gym to.. I need to seriously improve my organisational skills. I must also add that Dan (my husband) leaves for work at 6am, so I am a lone ranger in the mornings.

The Nursery drop off isn’t too bad, Emily makes no fuss and actually can’t wait to get away from me. For those mums out there, who have crying babies when you drop them off, I get it that it’s probably harder for you but at least you know your child loves you. Emily reaches out to give Maddie & Kim (her key workers) a great big hug, then waves me goodbye. WTF, I carried you for 9 months and looked after you non stop for a year, I would like a little appreciation.

I suppose her being like that, does help the mum guilt as I know that she is happy and having fun. It’s also really nice to eat my lunch and have a wee in peace. I think you take the little things like that for granted. I do have some fantastic clients who keep me busy so doesn’t give me a lot of time to worry too much about Emily. I do call the nursery once a day just to check how she is. I don’t know if you are supposed to, or when you should stop calling? Am I one of ‘those’ mums ekkk?

All in all, my first few weeks back at work have been ok. It’s all about making moments count. I might not have as much time with her as I did, but now instead of being on my phone around her, I don’t look at my phone until she has gone to bed and at weekends I try not to look at it as much.

Like I said, it’s only been a few weeks. I will keep you updated how it goes.

So today is my last day of maternity. I have been so privileged to have had 13 months off with you. I only get statatory maternity and so originally mummy thought she could only afford 6-9 months, but thanks to your amazing hard working daddy and a lot of saving we made it happen.

I really hope you don’t think mummy went back to work because she didn’t want to spend time with you because that’s no true. Mummy wants to provide the best life possible for you, and to do that mummy needs to work.

2017 has been the hardest, most rewarding and amazing year of my life. It makes me want to cry when I think of how proud I am of you. You have turned into an independent, calm yet fiery , funny little girl. There have been times over the last year where I wished this day to come when I get my independence back, but now it’s here I am a mixture of emotions. How am I going to cope all day away from my Emsie?

As I’m writing this I’m sitting in the reception area of your nursery where you’re having your settling in session. There have been no tears from either of us yet, but you’ve only been in nursery an hour and I’m in the same building!! Mummy looked round a lot of nurseries, and Horsham Nursery is perfect for you. Your key workers Maddie & Kim are amazing and you are already giving them big cuddles.

As a mum I think you always question whether you are making the right decision. Is it right to go back to work, especially full time time? Apparently only 25% of mums go back full time, with the majority going back part time. This certainly rings true with our friends, and I’m totally jealous of those mummies working part time.