Dear Rene: Sharing effects of being less-favored child

Dear Rene: I was watching the Anderson Cooper show about mothers who show favorites. It brought back such haunting memories from my childhood and my abusive parents. My mother always made it clear that I, at the age of 9, had to be the one to cover up our family's horrifying secrets, which are too much to detail here.

Now, I'm in my late 50s and recently had a bad fight with my mother. The end result was me writing her and telling her I'm so sorry for being such a disappointment all my life and that I decided to back out of the family forever more.

I've been keeping a diary of my feelings and thoughts for over a year now and I want my family, especially mother and sister, to know how I feel without them yelling over me to shut me up. See, I was never allowed to speak the truth because most of the horrifying things I endured were kept from my younger sister. While she remembers the light hitting with our father's belts, I was beaten beyond belief. And it still goes on but now the physical beatings have been replaced by verbal poundings.

My question is, should I share my diary with them and force them to see what I had to suffer through for their protection? Yes, I have been in therapy for many years to try and come to terms with this. But when I think I got it licked, one of them will start something up again, time after time.

Please, help me.

-- Unresolved in Utah

Dear UU: Thanks for writing in and I do hope watching the show didn't upset you too much. The hard part is, based on what I am reading, hearing and saw on the show, there are a great number of parents who favor one child over another. This is nothing new, as we're finding out; what is new is this urge to speak publicly about it. Let me go on record (in the event it wasn't clear enough) as saying I find that completely distasteful and wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I just think as adults, it's on us to figure out why we feel that way and then do something about it. But your question was whether you should show your family the diary you've been keeping for more than a year. In a word, no and here's why.

It won't change anything: You say you're in your late 50s, which I'm guessing puts your folks in their late 70s or so. That's a lot of life and living; I'm not sure how much they can change, even if motivated to do so. But here's the hard part; I doubt they'd be willing to anyway because if they were, they would have done it by now. The reason they haven't is because their reality doesn't mesh with your reality. As the doctor on the show said, they'll probably get defensive when you tell them how messed up your childhood was because of them. They'll see it as an attack on their parenting, even if it's justified and that will tarnish the relationship even more. If you feel like you can't go on until you've cleared the air, then do it. I'm just saying don't expect a warm, fuzzy, Hallmark greeting card type of ending. It will probably be just the opposite.

This is not about them, it's about you: Let's assume the likely scenario, which is that you are not going to be able to change them. Therefore any time spent trying to do that is a waste. What can you do? Change yourself or at least how you react to them. That's really the only aspect of this situation you do have control over. Unfortunately, the relationship with your parents is one of those sad situations that might not ever be resolved successfully. That's a tough pill to swallow. But please, ask yourself, "Are these people enriching my life?" If they're not, you know what you need to do.

Save yourself: One of the saddest parts of your letter is this: "The end result was me writing her and telling her I'm so sorry for being such a disappointment all my life that I decided to back out of the family forever more." You have spent the lion's share of your life living for and trying to please people you can never make happy. Even your decision to leave them alone feels like you're doing it more for them and less for you. I'm not a therapist (and I am glad to hear you are working with one), but even I can see that has to stop. Right. Now. I don't know you from Adam's house cat, but I refuse to believe you are a disappointment. Maybe you are to them, but based on what you say here, it sounds like anyone who is not your sister, would be. Time to stop measuring success by other people's yardstick. If you can look at your life and be proud of some of the stuff you've done, and have a peace and satisfaction that comes from within, then you are not a disappointment to the one person who matters in this, you.

I would urge you to continue working with the therapist; his/her knowledge and expertise is far beyond my own common sense advice. But if you were asking what I would do, starting right now, I'd look at this the way a drowning man sees dry land. Put your head down and swim hard, away from the danger. Save yourself.

Good luck!

Rene Syler, a former anchor for CBS' "The Early Show," worked early in her TV career in Birmingham. She's now an author and frequent speaker and runs the website goodenoughmother.com. Email her at rene@goodenoughmother.com.