Government science advisors to be replaced by tabloid columnists

The Government has made the controversial move of sacking all of its scientific advisors today in favour of asking tabloid columnists ‘what they reckon about stuff.’

Defending the decision, a Government spokesman said, “We’re really just cutting out the middleman. What’s the point of paying for expensive research and hiring members of The Royal Society, when voters minds’ are made up on complex issues like global warming and drugs policy by reading a five hundred word opinion piece by Richard Littlejohn.

“Also, because of the current economic situation, public expenditure has to take priority. A study into climate change could take many years and cost millions of pounds. The public are much more likely to be convinced by Jeremy Clarkson disproving global warming by reporting that he had to put on a cardigan while he was sitting on his patio when it was still late August. I mean, how much more empirical evidence do you need? Plus, he can just phone that stuff in.”

The spokesman went on to announce that the whole of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs will be replaced by Mail on Sunday writer Peter Hitchens. “We’re going to scrap the costly pretence that drug categorisations are created using evidential findings on the damage caused to personal health and society. Instead, in line with our voters’ opinions, we will base criminal possession classifications on how likely it is that individual substances are used by people Mr Hitchens dislikes.”