Rants & Reviews

19 March 2007

Q&A: The man who couldn’t resist exhaust pipes

“Fetishes are fine, if mutual. But what if you hook up with someone who can’t get aroused without, say, toe-sucking, and you aren’t into that at all?”

Thanks for asking, Anya. I completely agree with you that fetishes are fine, even when they are not always mutual. So what’s a fetish? It’s simply an activity, image or scenario that makes the fetishist more intensely ga-ga than it makes the average horn-dog.

When two (or more) people become lovers there will be a lot of divergent tastes to work out, once the three-month hormonal tornado settles down. If one of you is a libertarian and the other is a Christian fundamentalist, you’ll be likely to run into bigger problems than just a toe-sucking (or role-playing or latex) fetish. If your main squeeze is into Bond and Rambo and you like musical comedies, how do you handle it? You negotiate and sometimes you compromise. Maybe you take turns choosing the movies, maybe you each go separately with other like-minded friends or maybe you make deals (buttered popcorn or oral sex) to sweeten the compromise.

Fetishes can sometimes seem awkward to others, even when they are practiced without another human partner. This week the British tabloid newspaper The Sun reported on a car mechanic named Chris Donald who, in addition to having a girlfriend, makes passionate love to cars. The article quotes Chris as saying: “There’s more to car love than exhaust pipes. Stroking the body panels and delicate touching makes excellent foreplay.” Apparently at least 20 people have driven to Chris’ garage to masturbate while watching Chris “service” their autos. He’s not the only such tradesman: The Sun claims to have reported in 1993 on an electrician Karl Watkins who “was jailed for having sex with pavements...”

But you, Anya, are probably talking about the sexual dynamic between two humans. Let’s look at your example of toe-sucking. Maybe your honey is increasingly crawling down to your most distant digits for some lapping. It isn’t necessary for you to share this fetish – that is, it isn’t necessary for you to hunger to swallow a toe or have a toe swallowed. But perhaps there is something in foot worship for you, like the sensations you reap from your partner’s tongue or from a reverent foot massage.

Even if those don’t particularly move you, maybe you’re turned on by how excited it makes your lover, and you recognize that you’re going to benefit from that arousal in the end (or in any other geographic area of your choice). If your tootsies really can’t bear it, consider allowing your partner to play a sex video focusing on their fetish while you are making love.

If your lover wants you to suck their toes and you’re reluctant, drown those (clean) feet in your favorite chocolate or whipped cream. If your relationship is non-monogamous, perhaps the fetish can be satisfied elsewhere. Unless there is danger to health and safety – elements which trump desire – continue to try to expand both of your sources of desire. Sex should be a matter of consent and mutuality. Where there is attraction and affection, creative solutions can’t be far behind. At least toe-sucking doesn’t require a car-lift.