I chronicle nonsense, mostly about the news, sometimes about pop culture. If you don't think it's nonsensical, then yell at me in the comments.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

BIll O'Reilly Should Whitesplain More Racist Social Constructs

Magical talking potato sack Bill O’Reilly heard Michelle Obama’s speech at the DNC in Philadelphia, and he was bothered. He took umbrage with her stating that she wakes up every morning in a house built by slaves. Most conservatives were taken aback at such a claim, insisting that Michelle Obama was lying (she’s not, and they would have known that had our history book not be approved in FUCKING TEXAS), or people like Rush Limbaugh would take the “get over it” route.

Bill O’Reilly took a unique approach. He acknowledged the fact that the White House WAS built by slaves! Before you wonder how O’Reilly would acknowledge the truth and agree with anyone named “Obama” without the sky opening up and Death appearing astride a pale horse, he punctuated his agreement to fact with an epic whitesplanation.

So he said that the slaves who helped build the White House were “well fed” and had “decent lodging”. Great, but could they quit? Could they ask for pay? What would happen if they took a break without the “foreman’s” permission? What would happen if they walked off the job? Bill’s whitesplaining glossed over the fact that THEY WERE SLAVES. A prison with pretty curtains in the window is still a prison. Also, there is no record of how the slaves who built the WHite House were treated and fed, so he pulled his “facts” about their treatment out of his ass. SInce the slaves were essentially “leased out” by regional slave owners, they were likely treated in whatever manner their masters treated them, so some could have been treated well, some could have been treated harshly, but one thing is for certain.

THEY WERE STILL SLAVES.

One good thing can come of this. Perhaps Bill O’Reilly can start a career whitesplaining other racist social constructs. He could dictate to the Texas Board of Education!

Bill O’Reilly on redlining: “Black people who were barred by banks were able to save money since they didn’t have mortgages!”

Bill O’Reilly on the Tuskegee Experiment: “Look, this nation of takers always wants a hand out, and this was basically free health care. Given their wanton ways, they probably would have gotten syphillis on their own.”

Bill O’Reilly on Japanese internment: “The Japanese were given clean cots and food in those camps. And who doesn’t like camp? Besides, a lot of them received reparations later, which is more than we did for other ethnics.”

Bill O’Reilly on gender based wage inequality: “Women generally have smaller hands, so they requested that they receive less money so that they can handle it all. They need their other hand for cooking and cleaning, anyway.

The whitesplaining can go on forever. Bill O’Reilly has been doing that for a good chunk of his career. I’m sure this will all blow over when Melania Trump recites this speech at the next Republican National Convention.