Welcome to the first step of the last stage of your life. Here is where I go over the rules to make sure you know what you’re getting into. We do not allow people to have others turned unless all legal contracts have been taken care of and those typically take five years to complete. This way we don’t have people turning enemies into vampires and staking them before they figure out what’s going on. Also, this is irreversible, which means you can’t get a refund once we’re done. Ready to continue? Okay, just sign here and we’ll head for the coffin catalog.

Of course, the book is shaped like a coffin. Why do you think we named it the coffin catalog? There isn’t much we can do about your appearance. You’ll remain as you are now, but can change your clothes and possibly your hairstyle. We do have shape-shifting powers, which are expensive and don’t mix with most other powers. So, going with that means you’ll be limited and could end things right here. As long as you give us a down payment, we can hold your request for a year and let you get into the proper shape that you want to spend eternity as. I have a nephew that does personal training and a cousin who helps with style if you want to see them. You good with how you are? Great then we can move on to the next step.

Fangs can be classic, circular mouthful, foot long, under bite, and a few other less common choices. We have a sale on one type that gives you a mouth that projects out for a bite in a similar fashion to a goblin shark. Much of this depends on what you plan to eat. I know people typically think of blood, but there is more too it than that. For one thing, you can feed off marrow, breath, and we even have a type that drains water from the living. You also have to decide on if you can drink a little without killing or have the inability to stop once you start. A final part of this section is sleeping, but that’s from centuries ago when we had a flood of people turning themselves into vampires who needed soil. We keep this for amusement and it gets asked about anyway. On the plus side, you get a free bed out of this because it’s in the contract.

Let’s get to the fun part. We have power packages and you can make your own with a base of three. Every extra power costs another hundred and you have to be careful about going too far. The more abilities you have, the less human you remain and that can turn you into a complete monster. I’ve heard of the theory that adding weaknesses to your package will allow for more powers, but this isn’t a game. In fact, weaknesses can make the situation worse if you aren’t careful. Having the counter a specific ability can minimize the effect, but you run the risk of an implosion. Just something to keep in mind. Now, we have elemental powers, animal powers, magic, body manipulation, mental powers, physical enhancement, and practically human packages. That last one gives you abilities that revolve entirely around surviving within human society. No, it’s not a Dawn Fang because you wouldn’t have their level of power. Honestly, we’ve been told to stop making those due to a few incidents. Lack of a proper contract and the progenitor ate our previous legal team to teach us a lesson. His second-in-command robbed us as well, which is why we’re a lot more careful with them.

So, what kind of vampire are you thinking? Oh, you want the Werewolf Warehouse three blocks over. Strange that you stayed through the whole thing. Don’t worry. Just stand right there and the mind wipe will be over. Did I forget to mention we’re very careful about letting our competition know about our catalog? Silly me.

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About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.

I have to laugh, because I was thinking about being a werewolf, and you added that last paragraph. So while I’m here, I have some questions. I take it that this is not the place to get sparkles or the kind of smell that makes people crave my presence?
Is there any kind of stealth package that renders me either temporarily invisible or makes my footsteps ultra silent?

If you want sparkles and an attractive presence then go for it. We don’t discriminate or judge as long as the check clears. There are various stealth abilities, but not a full package since they tend to connect to other things. Do be careful with those powers though. Many with silent footsteps have gotten bumped into and knocked into traffic by prey suddenly turning around. Invisibility has it’s own issues such as walking into automatic doors.

Dawn Fangs are unavailable until the summer. Spoilers and there are a lot of rights involved in getting the power catalog. Sparkles are an option, so you don’t have to forego them if you don’t want them in the first place. Be rather silly to put them with the stealth powers unless they’re bright enough to blind enemies.

I’ve got a few questions before making any selections. If one was to choose extra long Fangs, can he turn a herd of elephants into my personal army? If not, what type of Fangs are best for a megalomaniac with dreams of world domination? I’m asking for my boss by the way, not myself. I’ll need the standard minion/lackey vampire package for myself.

Fangs don’t make much of a difference in terms of what you can turn or take over. It comes down to mastering whatever powers you get and playing to your strengths. As far as the elephants go, I’d be careful. Always seems like a good idea until you realize animals don’t gain intelligence or control when vampires. Better to gain powers that allow you to communicate or command them.

Plenty of charm abilities in stock, but nothing we’ll work if he’s already a vampire. We don’t augment unless the change happened here and even then you can’t do anything after the first year. Not without a high risk of power conflict. We also do not guarantee successful world domination.

We have insanity causing powers, but none of these things promise range without practice. As far as the world domination guarantee, that is a legal impossibility. If we made such a statement then we would have to give refunds to those who failed, which would be numerous since only one person can rule the whole world. Even if you do it and are dethroned, we would need to give some money back. We are a business first.