Pages

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Being It

I worry sometimes that I'm going to start coming off as phony if I keep up this "I love you I love you I love you" habit where my blog readers are concerned, but I can't stress enough how genuinely I feel that way. I can write the melancholiest post of Debbie Downer proportions, full of emo ass similes and all the works, and yet there you guys go, leaving heartfelt, kind comments like I did anything real to deserve them. This dumb little blog is such a happy vacation place for me-- a cozy corner of the Internet with comfy chairs and hot tea and amusing people-- and you guys make it that way. So I'll say it once again, even if it sounds like pandering, because I am just never able to get the point across as strongly as I mean it: I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to care about me, and a special thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.*

Got it? Okay, now get over yourselves. I have other things to say.

I'm still nowhere near unsad-- I don't see myself getting to that point in the near future-- but for the rest of this week, I've been doing a good job of ignoring it and moving on. I'm the kind of busy where I just don't have time to be miserable. I'm going to class (spending most of the lecture neglecting my notes in order to write to-do lists and Answerly videos [or organizing different aspects of the book]), doing the homework that accompanies three literature classes (and Linguistics!), training for the half-marathon I plan to complete this year, and devoting every other free second to reading and editing submissions for my short story compilation. I've actually had to turn down offers for dates because I just can't squeeze them into my schedule. Did you read that? Did you let that soak in? People who have been following me around the Internet since I was in high school are probably drowning in their own drool from the shock of it. I have become that cynical bitch in romantic comedies who "doesn't have TIME for love!" because her job kicks too much ass, and I'm kind of really savoring being able to say so.

See, another good distraction from a personal crisis is working hard for something and proving to yourself that you kind of rock a little bit. I keep shivering from these little waves of self-actualization whenever I cross another item off my list of goals.** And you know what? I'm doing good things. I wanted to be a published editor so I'm being one. I wanted to find a way to help other writers get their work read so I'm doing it. I want to be a serious runner so I'm becoming one. I want to show the source of my sadness-- and the whole rest of the world-- that I am capable of accomplishing what I set out to accomplish. So you know what, depression? Kiss my ass.

On that Tyra Banks-like note, I have to wrap this up so I can get back to reading submissions. The contest closes in exactly one week, so I'm trying to get everything under control before the really hard stuff begins! Yikes. Anyway, thank you once again for reading my ramblings and caring about the life of a stranger. This week, I challenge you to find something you want to be and to take the first steps towards being it. Seriously, it's the best medicine I can think of.

Hayley YOU WIN. Everything you just wrote is what I hope to be feeling some time soon. I can sense myself falling back into depression for the first time in about three years and it scares me so much and ugh, I like maybe teared up a bit at the end of this post. This was just so relevant to my life....I can't come up with the right way to say this but thank you for writing exactly what I needed to read right now. And congrats on kicking depression's ass :)

I'm liking this 'more than one blog post a month' thing that seems to be happening here... :PAnd on the note of your extreme productiveness and all, I just have to say giddit gurl.That's right. Gurl with a 'u'. I said it.

Hayley, thank you for this. I've gotten some terrible news this week and have felt like wallowing. I hate wallowing though- it feels gross! So I think I will adopt your strategy: ignore it and focus on things that are important to me. I spend way to much time sitting around, watching Netflix in my bed. I've been wanting to get more involved at my school, get back in shape, etc. Your blog post has given me the kick in the butt I needed. So sincerely, thank you. You say you love me, well, I love you!

Now, as far as the "getting asked out on dates" thing... Well, that still never happens for me, haha.

I realize this is not the focus of your post, but it's cool for me to hear you're taking Linguistics. I'm double-majoring in Ling-Anthro and English, and I've found that the two combine in really weird and interesting ways. I was about to have a heart attack today in Modernism lecture when my prof. linked (subtly) Gertrude Stein and Franz Boas!

Anyway, on a less nerdy note, go you! Also, I've always sort of liked it when you call it "this dumb blog." Sounds cozy.

Okay, let's start out with the sad: last month, two of my grandmothers passed away.

Now, the happy: for the last week or so, I've been working on an entry for your contest. You and Kristina have given me my first bit of genuine happiness that I have had since. So thank you Hayley (and if you somehow read this, Kristina), and I hope you don't find my entry to be as crappy as I do. I'll be sending it in soon!

Wow! Congrats to you and kicking depression's ass :) It's actually really inspiring! I believe you should be requesting the highest of fives. (I really hope that you like How I Met Your Mother, or that'll sound silly) :D

Hayley, I haven't commented in a long time but I want you to know that I read every one of these and still slightly in awe of your advanced degree of awesome. I hope things look up for you soon and I know if hard work and a kickass attitude will help, then you've got it made.

Amazingly enough, moments before reading this beautifully inspiring blog post, I took a step forward in becoming who I want to be by telling my parents I want to drop out of college. Not that I aspire to be a college drop-out or anything, but more like I don't want to be the person who wastes her parents' money on a degree she doesn't even remotely care about.We can be what we've always wanted to be, Hayley! It's an exciting and terrifying thing. But mostly exciting. :)

I'm sorry you're still in a low place, but it's good to hear that you're being productive and doing well, despite the sucky feelings. And thanks for issuing the challenge of taking the first step towards what you want to be. I just realized today that I've gained 20 pounds since graduating college & starting my first desk job...so the person I want to be is a healthier eater and more active and more productive in general when it comes to the hours at home after clocking out from work. Get off the couch and get better, me! You're/I'm better than this!

Your post and a livestrong email I got today that said, "make excuses or work harder" is good inspiration for past/present-Katie to get up and be proactive in being the future-Katie I aspire to be. Thanks, stranger. (I say that in a mocking-but-playful way because that's what you referred to us blog readers as, but you know there's something more going on here. Do we need to have a DTR? I think we do. We're at LEAST at like, mutual secret admirer status or something.)

I tend towards depression too, and I spent a lot of my last semester like that (not to mention nearly all of high school), but like you I'm learning that just getting out there and doing things that get me closer to what I've always wanted to do make a big difference. Turning in my study abroad application for London this week after basically a lifetime of desperately longing to go there. It feels amazing.

I am only a casual reader of your blog so I miss posts sometimes. Which is why I have only now just realized something serious has happened in your life. I have been following you for a while now, from the beginning of 5AG to Answerly. So even though you don't know me, I feel as though you are one of my closest friends. Therefore it upsets me to know you are going through a rough time. I do not know what has happened. I can only imagine the worst, but I hope that my imagination is getting the best of me. Just know that you have a lot of fans out there and that we all love and support you. It takes courage for one to be able to continue after receiving bad news. Something from which I can observe; you are doing greatly. You are a true Gryffindor, never lose hope. Lots of love, Tiffany

Yay for kicking ass.BUT i have to disagree with you. You imply that you haven't done anything real to deserve our support and care. I disagree 100%. Just wanted to say that, but of course, no reason to argue about it.You are awesome, and the internet is awesome for letting me feel like I get to be part of your life, if even just a very very tiny part.You know what, I think you just inspired me to start training for a half marathon.That's how awesome you are!<3(Also, HI NELA in the comment above, let's be friends! Oh wait, we ARE! Damn, I love the internet...)

I've been kind of in the same place as you recently. Except without the romantic suitors and the book editing and marathon training. A really, really mellow version of the place you're in. But I've been trying to ignore/channel my sadness into more fun/productive things.

I want to be a writer. It's been a thing that I've wanted since I can remember, but I rarely actually do anything that could qualify me as a writer (like, say, write). I've generally got the depression, the feelings swaying from self-loathing to I-am-the-greatest-human-being-alive-ever, the procrastination and brooding, the I-could-do-so-much-better attitude and the squeeful creative moments, but I don't actually write all that much. Or not as much as I want to. I'm starting to change that already, though, because I am finally piecing together ideas that I just had randomly strewn about, and making them into actual things. And I'm working to submit at least one story for the book. So, thanks for that. :)

(Also, yesterday I did a speech kind of about depression and life and stuff in my last high school English class ever, and it was freaking great.)

That's the spirit! I do the same thing (sort of) in my lectures. Sometimes I think lectures were created to give you more time to get organized.

I'm glad you've decided to not let your saddness control your life. Focusing on staying busy is the best way I've found to counter The Sad, and it's refreshing to see someone not let The Sad swallow them up. You're a very strong lady, and I am confident that you'll get through whatever tough times come at you. Keep kicking ass, Hayley.

WOW that made my day seeing my name at the end of your blog. :)Im glad you read my comment and that somehow it made you feel a bit better. BTW are you still studying French in college? I have been following you (mainly on YT) for years and I remenber that you mentionned a few times that you were studying french, im not sure if it was in highschool or not. Anyway, im one of your French reader and viewer, so if I can do anything to help you with your studies regarding the French language let me know.I would be happy to help if I can.That will leave you more time for dating and other stuff. ;)

Is it weird that the fact that you are all cheered up (well, not completely, but a lot) and self-actualized actually cheers me up a lot? I'm sitting in my school library doing physics homework, feeling tired and depressed, and like there is no end to the tunnel, but reading your post about getting things DONE and completing your goals really made me smile. :)

Haha that first comment! 4 FOR YOU GLEN COCO! Yes, keep kicking ass! I hope you'll be feeling like yourself again soon. Depression sucks, but you don't have to. (That sounded witty in my head, but now it sounds sexual... posting it anyway.)

-- Is it really lame that I got super excited reading my name at the end of that?

Is it weird if I say I'm proud of you? Because I am. I may be some strange person from the interwebz, but I've been reading your blog since you started it and I feel like I can say I'm proud of you without it being incredibly weird.