"Musings From the Bottom of 'The Pitt'" by Brad Armpitt

Tag Archives: Hugh Hefner

I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to convince everyone how cool I am?

Every single thing I say or do is for the sole purpose of having a funny or interesting story to tell later (this is why I love it when bad things happen to me). I was supposed to be a world-renowned actor, a post-modernistic artistè and a rock-n-roll guitar god with an endless fountain of beautiful, nubile young groupies salivating at my beck and call, but obviously the Gods screwed up in the creation process somehow. I don’t give a shit if you add me as a friend on social networking sites without sending me a message first, because I crave attention and acceptance so fucking badly.

WHO AM I?

My real name is Brad,
and I’m an ‘Average Joe’ (sort of).
I’m a risk-taker.
I’m laid back.
I’m bi-polar, but manic-excessive, rarely depressive.
I’m obsessive/compulsive.
I am definitely a bit neurotic.
I’m a movie addict.
I absolutely hate video games.
I’m an ‘apocaloptimist’.
That means I can see our world going to hell,
but I still think everything is going to turn out for the best.baby oil lube old men dirty wrestling nipple twis – wha- -?!Dammit! Gawd! This is not Google Images!
I’m a goofball.
I am very honest (sometimes brutally).
I don’t give a fuck what you think.
I’m currently a plant psychic, but I was a child porn star for 22 years, as well.

I would define myself spiritually as an ‘Eclectic Pagan’, but I’ve learned
not to discuss religious matters with others, thank you very much.
I’m determined.
I’m creative.
I do things my own way.
I have my own style,
but I just can’t afford to dress that way.
I play guitar, but not very well.
I like to give back to society and improve my skills at
the same time by playing for deaf children everywhere.
I’m a constant work in progress.
I’m a sports retard.
I’m a graphic designer.
I’m a writer.
I’m a webmaster.
I’m very computer-savvy, but hardly a geek.
I’m romantic.
I’m 78% sexy and 85% eager.
I’m not a bad guy.
I’m not a good guy.
I’m a deviant.
I’m the real deal.
I’m the BBD.
That means ‘Bigger, Better Deal’, because I knew you
wouldn’t be cool enough to know what that meant.
I’m something unexpected.
Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Fake people.
Fake things.
Stuck-up people.
People who are obsessed with “looks.”
Shallow people.
People who use me.
(I’ll find out)
Drama starters.
Just drama. Period. Chill out already.
DRAMA = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
To continue…
Hypocrites.
Liars.
Things with no eyes.
Dancing (I suck. Badly. So don’t ask).
Singing (Ditto.).
Jealousy.
Stalkers.
Gold-diggers.
Bigots and other haters.
Bullies.
Thugs and gangsta’s.
Cyberspace sluts.
Crooked politicians.
Things being blown out of proportion.
People who sign up at social networking sites, and then don’t socialize.
People who are famous, yet lack one ounce of real talent.

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW:

I do not brag, nor talk about, money. Okay, thanks.
Once I set a goal, I will not stop until I reach it.
I love to have fun and I like to party with friends.
I can get pretty wild at times.
I live in the moment.
I have very deep romantic and intellectual sides.
I love my Fed Ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer
and he doesn’t even know it.
And… he’s always on time.
I love deadlines.
I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I want to be filthy rich and live my Golden Years like Hugh Hefner.
I played a major role in the formation of the
internet underground.
I cut my own hair with a Flowbee.
No, that is not me in the picture.
That is Rick Hunter, inventor of the Flowbee.
He is a genius.
No, you cannot borrow mine.
Go buy your own from Rick at The Official Flowbee Website
If we are what we eat, then apparently I’m fast, cheap and easy.
I’m not very good at giving advice, but can I interest you
in a sarcastic comment?
As far I’m concerned, The Pity Train derailed a long time ago
at the corner of Suck It Up & Move On, then crashed hard intoWe All Have Problems, before coming to a complete and abrupt
stop at Get The Hell Over It. Ya dig?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Sorry if I’m not very talkative sometimes.
Also sorry if I get too loud.
I’m very bi-polar, so if I say something rude in the spur of
the moment please don’t get too offended.
My life philosophy is “Yin-Yang”.
It takes a lot to piss me off, but I pity the fool that does.
I don’t see the glass as half empty or half full.
I see exactly what is in the glass, so I guess that makes me a realist.
Some people tell me I have a ‘short temper’,
but I prefer to call it:
‘A swift and assertive reaction to bullshit.’
I also like poetry (especially Rod McKuen), the novels of Hermann Hesse,
long walks in the woods, and poking dead things with sticks.

Someone who will treat me badly and make me feel like shit about myself, preferably someone who won’t call me the next day. Already having a significant other is a big plus. If you fit this description, what are you doing later?

Sherlock Holmes; James Bond; Don Juan (the mystic, not the lover); Lolita (yes, that one) and I always thought that Alice chick from Wonderland was kinda cute, too. Hell, anyone who knows what magic mushrooms are has to be cool.

And last, but certainly not least, I have two sons I am very proud of named Erik and Jevin. I love you, guys.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!

I can’t believe you’re still here! But kudos if you actually read through all this. If so, you know more about me than 99% of the rest of the world, including my own family. – Brad a.k.a. BradArmpitt

So me in a nutshell: I like movies, music, computers, playing guitar, and poking dead things with sticks.