This will be my last cup of tea for the evening, I think to myself as I turn off the stove. I keep it on low after the tea is ready – the heat starts to fade after an hour or two, and I like to drink tea throughout the day.

I am in that pre-sickness stage, where you can feel whatever virus you have begin to creep its way through you. I guess it’s somewhat a relief that I’ve contracted this over the weekend. I don’t want to miss work, and this gives me a chance to be lazy and nap most of the day. I got a 5 mile run in, which was the one major box that needed to be checked off. I had plans to go potentially spend time in Camas for my mom’s belated birthday, but we’re doing that tomorrow morning now, which is somewhat of a relief. I think about how much I will enjoy getting a full night’s sleep. I also think about the fact that I have to run another 5 miles tomorrow, one I am less excited about. When you’re a little under the weather it’s like you are dragging an anchor along with you (although my run today was actually at a fairly fast pace as far as my normal runs go), and I get congested. That’s really the worst part – the inability to breath properly. When I’m really struggling with a run I focus on the breath and I tend to loosen up. When your nose is clogged it’s a little harder.

I run anyway, though. I am surprised how much I enjoy it. I think what I enjoy more than running is a renewed sense of ownership of my body. I’ve also been doing yoga 4-5 nights a week and that is also helping. I’m 23 years old and supposed to be in the best shape of my life. I am not, but with time and diligence I’m heading in that direction. I used to not think much about how to ground myself. Then I became more aware of my mind, my thought process, how my perceptions and prejudices were clouding my ability to see the world clearly, and I began to focus on grounding myself that way. I am coming to realize that the body is the other half – I can have the greatest mind in the world but it’s useless without a commitment to the physical form as well. I’m not looking to be a bodybuilder, or any kind of real athlete. I just want to look at myself in the mirror and feel good about what I see – that my outer self can be a reflection of the inner light I want to have inside of me.

I am easily distracted. My mind likes to wander. I am writing this, reading an essay by David Foster Wallace about linguistics and language called “Tense Present” that is quite good, sometimes listening to music, browsing videos on youtube, and occasionally zoning out and staring at the wall. I wonder sometimes what technology is doing to my brain, whether it’s good, bad, or neutral. Different than before doesn’t scare me like it does with some people, but I try to be intentional and reflect on whether or not my habits will cause me or society harm. I also wonder if I have a mild form of ADD – my brother is on medication for it, and I certainly struggle at focusing on ONE thing for long periods of time. At the same time, perhaps we aren’t built for lengthy periods of laser focus. Perhaps it’s the technology seeping into my brain. I also know that I can focus more or less if I HAVE to, and so the inability to do it consistently is less of an issue when one can focus when necessary.

First things first: You will NOT understand anything I’m about to write until you read this.

Go ahead, take a read. It’s not that long and is quite well written. This is also a response to that essay, so if you want to continue going without reading it I guess you totally can, but it might not make as much sense. On the other hand, you might be an English major. I digress.

My good friend Daniel alerted me to the presence of this essay, which I read on the bus home from work the other day and immediately thought to myself, “I have all kinds of thoughts about this essay!” but no time at all in which to collect my thoughts. I also have a blog post I want to write about buses, but that’s for another time. I continue to digress.

I will attempt to address each point in the author makes as they appear in the essay, but as anyone who has talked with me or read this blog knows, my thoughts a-wander. Here we go!

For the most part, I think there is an overall arc of truthiness surrounding the main thrust of “Secret Architecture’s” argument (hereafter referred to as SA). I think that it is also important to clarify in the beginning of the essay that SA is not talking about EVERY English major. That, for me, makes it a much stronger argument, because to say these things are mostly true might not be wrong, while to say they are airtight would definitely be inaccurate.

1. They Don’t Know English

Full disclosure: I’m not an English major. I am one of those people who is “fairly good at intuitively (but not analytically) understanding the current version of English approved by educational institutions…” although I have no feelings on its standing on my superiority/inferiority to others. I tend to agree that I think people get too locked into what they think English “should” be, instead of appreciating for the varied, nuanced language that it is. I think that a basic grasp of grammar is important, because your/you’re is a fairly important nuance, for instance.

I had an English teacher tell me a long time ago that you had to know all the rules first so that you could go and break them later, and that has really stuck with me. Good writing is good writing – if you can express your thoughts in a clear and relatable manner, you’re doing something right. We have some conventions that can help you with it, but sometimes you have to go your own way. Words are just symbols for thoughts, and if you’re enough of a wordsmith that you can arrange the symbols in a way that others understand you, who am I to say no?

I can’t say the author is wrong about the racist/classist aspect to proper grammar, though. We use distinctions in language as a way to hold people down or raise them up. Content matters.

2. Even Though They Don’t Speak English, They Only Speak English

As far as the music goes, that (to my mind) is a false analogy. Music is a language, so is math, the saxophone might be a certain style or genre of writing (if you insist on carrying along the metaphor). Here is where I will steal from my good friend Emily, who is undoubtedly a better writer than I: “I apologize that there are not enough years in the world for me to read every single book I will ever want to.” I am in no way advocating for mono-linguism, on the contrary, learning Spanish taught me FAR more about English than anything else, simply because I couldn’t intuit it (something I have done in far too many things in my life, writing and music included).

3. They Live In And Perpetuate A Culture Of Fraud

You won’t find a ton of argument with me on this point, but I think the same can be said of many college majors. For some reason there are a lot of people who want to skate through and get a piece of paper rather than taking of the advantage to learn lots of things. I know several friends who are English majors and have at various points in their life professed to not having read many of the books that they were assigned. I myself did not finish every book in every English class I took.

“Skillful manipulation of language and skillful diguisal of ignorance are what other disciplines would call sophistry.”

Sophistry: the use of reasoning or arguments that sound correct but are actually false

Thinking about what I got my degree in…

Thinking about how I had to look up the word sophistry, and when I did I was like, “sounds about right.”

Thinking about how people will say, political science IS a science! …sort of

Thinking about House of Cards…god Kevin Spacey is amazing. Why am I writing this instead of watching that?

In any case, sophistry is my trade to some extent. I have to excel at sniffing it out, and have to be aware when I can bend things to my advantage. At least that’s how it was when I was working in politics. That’s probably why I find myself in the nonprofit sector – I have no problem trying to put the shine on something, but I am not really the kind who enjoys outright manipulation or disingenuity.

4. They Don’t Like Books

If there are in fact people as SA has described out in the world then they are worthy of our derision. I haven’t met many of them, and certainly none of the English Majors I’ve been around have expressed thoughts like that.

5. You’re An Idiot

In the comments on the link that Daniel posted most of my friends had exceptional musings on the subject of college as an institution, and so I will try for as much originality as possible here, though I cannot help but be colored by their insights.

College as an institution has many flaws, but at the end of the day it is a tool. Like many other tools, you get out of it what you put into it. If you work hard at learning new things, you will find that your thoughts are clearer, your reasoning more sound, and your knowledge base broadened. If you seek out friends, clubs, and activities that challenge and inspire you, you will grow and be inspired. If you network well and think critically about the challenge ahead, you will come out a better person. If you do none of those thinks and spend 4 (or 5, or 6) years drinking your face off and skating by with the bare minimum, you might have some troubles. If you try to use a corkscrew to put together a mailbox, you will similarly run into some struggles with your tool selection.

The issue with the above statement is that you don’t always know that’s what you’re supposed to do at college. I also think the focus on academics can be a bit misleading – it’s hard to experience personal growth in your room surrounded by books. You have to challenge yourself in a myriad of ways, and that’s scary. I think one thing that colleges can be better about is helping students understand that they could have learned the things they are learning if they felt like buying enough books and spending time doing the research on their own. Part of the point of a liberal arts degree is growth of the self.

Education may indeed be at an impasse, I’m not sure. The current levels of growth and student debt are almost certainly unsustainable, but where the system is going is not something that I could tell you. I do know that society itself requires some big changes. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be doing a year of AmeriCorps VISTA service, because I am right at the ground level of where the issues are. I’m learning about myself and the issues people are facing in the world in a much more real sense every day on the bus than I did reading textbooks. Without developing those critical thinking processes, though, would I be able to be experiencing the growth that I am now? Perhaps, but I doubt to the same degree.

The title of this post, “Destination,” is the title of a track of Nickel Creek’s newest album. The song is fantastic. We all have to make our own destinations. We have to pick a direction and go in it, even though most of the time we can’t see exactly where we’re headed. It’s kind of scary. Take a deep breath and jump, and if English is your “major,” for fuck’s sake don’t forget that you’re also majoring in life.

Yellow. I’m thinking about Yellow this morning. Let us list the reasons why:

Yellow is what happens after red, when red starts to die. It’s the day after Valentines Day and all of that is fading away, which gives the day a sort of yellowish feeling.

The song “Yellow” by Coldplay is a song I have always associated with being in love. In general I don’t have strong feelings about Coldplay one way or the other (I like them well enough but don’t seek it out) but I absolutely love that song. I was about to write that I couldn’t tell you exactly why I associate it with love, but that would be a lie. I had forgotten, but it’s coming back to me now. Late in the spring of my Junior year of high school I spent a brief amount of time hanging out with this girl who I was friends with, we would go for walks around round lake and talk and have a generally very pleasant time. One day it came on the radio or shuffle or something after one of those walks and it was perfection. The song fit her and the way I was feeling perfectly. We never did more than hold hands, and she left for the summer. It was so brief that I rarely think of it, but it was a really nice human connection for a bit of time. You’ve got to cherish real moments like that, and for me that song is a crystallized version of those few weeks.

I’ve been on a bluegrass kick lately (thanks to my roommate) and there is this “Pickin’ On” series which is essentially bluegrass covers of ALL the things and it’s awesome. There is a cover of Yellow that is SO GOOD. So good. For all the reasons listed above and because sometimes instrumental music conveys the cosmic aspect of music that voices don’t.

My roommate’s bananas are starting to go a little bad, but I think he’s planning on making banana bread so it’s cool. They are getting less yellow.

Do you ever feel like maybe you miss moments? I had an experience like that yesterday. I decided to grab a couple of (cheap) bottles of wine from New Seasons on my way home (it’s like three blocks from my house, which is wonderful/terrible) because wine just felt more correct on Valentines day and just so I had some in the house. I picked them out, and then went up to the express register. The cashier was really cute. We did that thing where you lock eyes for a couple seconds and everything slows down a little (I assume this happens to other people, yeah?) but then someone else showed up behind me and she rang me up and I didn’t say anything like “hey what are you doing after work” or “I really need some help with these” because I’m not usually in the right head space for being bold like that. There’s also the fear that maybe you’re kind of crazy and what you felt in that moment might not be really what happened, and I also hate to bother people at work if they’re not into it. So i definitely did NOT seize that opportunity, but perhaps next time. I mean, I need a new loaf of bread, so I’ll probably be back in there today. We’ll see. You can’t force these things. I probably should be more proactive, though.

In any case, happy post-Valentines Day, and I love you all dear friends (and anyone else who happens to see this).

Still snowed in. Based on the weather here, I am hoping that school is cancelled for tomorrow. Not because I’m not itching to get back to work (I am – I really want to jump into it! I’m actually fairly disappointed with this weather) but because I would rather be safe than sorry. If the roads are even decently snowy/icy, doesn’t it make more sense to just let it melt for one more day than invite accidents and mayhem? There are snow days built into the schedule. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Edit: No school on Monday. Anyway…on to tonight’s thoughts.

There’s a killer track on “Is Anybody Out There” called “Everyone Is Gay.” It’s jumpin’. One of the better tracks on the album. In an interesting bit of coincidence, today Michael Sam, an All-American DE from the University of Missouri came out. That’s a pretty big deal as far as football goes. I’ve watched him play too, and the guy is an absolute stud. You can tell he’s going to be playing in the NFL. It’s a big step. I could talk about the ramifications, how this is fantastic for a myriad of reasons, how we’re one step closer to equality and this not being a big deal. We can maybe let people just be people eventually, it’ll be pretty cool.

I could write a thousand words about all that. I won’t, though, because this is my blog and I’m kind of selfish. I want to talk about me. You’re shocked, I know.

Back to that song I was talking about. There are a couple lines that really stick out in my mind:

“We’re all just looking for love to change the world.”

“We can’t keep running away from who you are.”

That first line just melts my heart. Love to change the world…that sounds really nice. The second, though, has more relevance to the topic I’m thinking about tonight: boldness.

“It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen.” -Herodotus

Something I have struggled with for the past several years is how to consistently be bold, assertive, and go after the things I want and the kind of person I would like to be. It’s not easy. I think to one degree or another we all have feelings like that from time to time. There’s this disconnect between who I am, who I want to be, and who I think I am. Also, I’m constantly changing…so between all of that, it can be difficult to pin down a center of who I am. There are a few big pieces here so I am going to try to go after them one at a time.

Being Bold

Fortune favors the bold. As far as Wikipedia tells me the phrase was coined in Latin 1800 years ago, and it rings just as true today. If you want something, you have to go and get it. A lot of the luck we have is the luck that we make. It’s an easy enough concept, but doubt creeps in and keeps us from achieving. I really like that quote by Herodotus above, that it’s better to experience the struggles that come from trying something than to sit still. All the things I want to do, the person I want to be…that can’t be achieved without boldness. No one will ever date you if you don’t ask them out. You’ll never discover what you might know unless you read more, seek more, listen more. Good things happen when you MAKE them happen.

You also will fall flat on your face when you’re bold, and that’s awesome. The more we get comfortable with failing and with picking ourselves up, the more chances we have to succeed. You’ll never hit a home run if you don’t keep on swinging for the fences. I want to do something really special with my life. I want to make it what I want it to be. I can’t do that if I’m constantly bunting or hitting singles. Ok, that’s a lot of baseball metaphors, but you get my point. It’s not about career stuff or being famous, either, although I have a goal to find a career that is fulfilling and allows me to make substantial positive changes in our world. It’s also about being bold enough to surround yourself with friends who help you become the best you that you can be, and who allow you to be their friend as well. To have real human interaction. To love fully and without reservation.

It’s a constant goal for me, to be bolder. I have to tell myself it over and over again, because I get afraid of all the terrible things that could happen to me. I figure if I practice enough, it will become habit.

Being Yourself

Knowing who you are is also really tough sometimes. I have found myself at the crossroads of different facets of my personality many times. For much of my life, I saw myself as a masculine person who happens to like some feminine things. Like, yeah, I like musical theatre, and choir, and having feelings, but mostly I’m a manly man who just happens to have a broad range of interests. It didn’t help that society tells you that you HAVE to be so masculine. I want to be liked. I want to be accepted. So I saw myself that way. It’s been a really recent paradigm shift to where I’ve been able to look at myself and say that I am a fairly feminine human person that also happens to have some masculine interests/traits. That’s different than my sexuality, I’m still a straight white male, but I don’t conform as neatly as I always thought I was supposed to. It at various points was really tough – it’s like in “Same Love” where Macklemore talks about wondering if you were gay because you could draw (or in my case do theatre, or love to sing/dance, or being kind of fabulous sometimes). I thought to myself “Am I supposed to like dudes?” Which is tough when you really don’t. Just as a side note: We can have a discussion about how femininity and masculinity are somewhat arbitrary anyway, but for the sake of this discussion I’ll just be talking about my experience, as this is my blog.

I feel like I’m really coming into my own now, though. Around Christmas I went out for drinks with some high school friends and I ordered a Peppermint Patty, which was basically an alcoholic hot chocolate. It sounded wonderful. The waiter came up and had to tell us that they were out of crushed candy cane for the rim, and would that be OK? We all laughed about it, because it was ridiculous and because there is this kind of cultural norm where men don’t order “girly” drinks, and because OF COURSE I would order something like that. In years past I would have laughed along with everyone else and felt incredibly self conscious about it, but I was able to just laugh at myself for real. I’m ok with who I am. I am good enough. It’s so refreshing.

How to Keep on Moving Ahead

I feel like I have this huge heart. I can contain the whole world. Sometimes I’m selfish, sometimes I do stupid things, and sometimes I make some really dumb decisions. For the most part, though, I think I can really be good. I can be someone that other people will look at and say “Hey, that Jordan guy is someone I respect and trust. If I needed help, he would be there.” I want to see the good in people, to love them, and to create positive changes in their lives. I don’t always know how to do it, but I think that’s where this comes full circle with understanding yourself and then being bold. I am more than the sum of my parts. I can be special. I can see the amazing qualities of the people around me and do my best to bring that out.

It’s something where it has to be conscious. You have to be willing to improve every day, and do the little things. I will falter, but then I’ll keep on going. I promise to learn from my mistakes, get better, and make some more mistakes. Eventually I will begin to be the person I think I can be, and by then I bet I will have other goals in mind.

Anyway, I totally love all of you.

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”

Oh hey, how’s it going? How about that snowstorm going on right now? Kind of crazy. You’re not in Portland? Oh…well, enough with the small talk then.

I guess the reason I’m writing this is that I have a burning question for everyone. I’m pretty sure I know the answer already, but I want to throw it out there anyway: is everyone else as utterly lost as I am? Lost is maybe a strong word. Confused? No. Uncertain? That’s better. Is everyone else as uncertain as I am about life? Not in any terrible kind of uncertainty, but I’m still learning how to be an adult. I also don’t know how people functioned before Google. I guess they probably talked to each other more?

I guess I lied about the one burning question thing. I have a TON of questions.

For instance:

Is it OK that I’m still not 100% sure what a french press does? Like, you just push down on the thing and it makes coffee? It HAS to be simple, but I’ve never actually seen it in action.

So I will never be able to really grow out my facial hair, but in the past year I’ve gone from needing to shave every third day to every day. My razors don’t get all of the hairs. Like, I keep shaving, but nothing happens. Why is that? Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to forever feel self conscious about stray bits of neckbeard?

On the same topic, why is neck beard a thing? NO ONE likes the neckbeard. Sigh.

So…I usually text people back right away. Did we as a society agree somewhere along the line that we wouldn’t do that? YOU ALL HAVE YOUR PHONES WITH YOU. I KNOW YOU DO. I guess if someone wanted to forward me the memo, I would appreciate that.

I’m 23 and I have an OkCupid account. Does that make me hopeless? I just want to meet someone nice. Why is it so hard to figure out what to write to people? Should I actually use it instead of half-assing an account, or should I just go to more bars? Is it possible to find love on Tinder? GUYS, I DON’T KNOW (though, probably not).

Does anyone else think it should be cool to ask people if they want to be your friend? Like, I met you, I think you’re great, “hey, so, you wanna be friends?” Like asking someone on a date, but you’re making it official. Mostly I just don’t want to feel creepy about starting a random facebook chat with you. Why do I feel kind of creepy about being interested in someone? Actually I know the answer to that: I really want people to like me, so I am terrified of doing (even completely normal) things that might get construed in a manner to make them not like me. Also, what if they don’t really like me in the first place and have no interest in being friends? That would be tough on my psyche. I guess I might be alone on that one.

Related question: how do I become bolder? Practice? Just sucking it up? Probably.

Does anyone want to start a band? I miss it. Let’s jam.

Am I alone?

Am I really that different from everyone else? I mean probably not, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

How can I be the person I want to be, even if I feel like maybe it IS different?

There are a lot more, but that’s enough for now. The title of this post comes from the album I’m currently playing on repeat by “A Great Big World.” It’s really good. It gives me the feels, if you will. Sometimes I feel nostalgic about things that haven’t happened yet. I daydream, and I am in the future, reminiscing about the slightly less distant future. Music brings that out in me from time to time. I can see who I want to be, I can see the life that brought me to it. I guess the trick at the moment is to start living that life, being more OK with being me. Not just being me, but actively striving to make myself the person I want to be: more honest, more loving, more mindful, more capable. Someone worth being loved by someone worth loving. Someone who isn’t afraid, or rather someone who IS afraid and says “fuck it, this is good for me,” and does it.

I will admit, it’s a little weird to be 3 1/2 days into a new position and be told “go home, snow day!” although it was fairly obvious that it was the correct call. Portland doesn’t really do snow, and I’m glad I got to bus home before traffic really snarled. Apologies to those of you who got stuck in traffic for hours and hours.

Speaking of buses, I had a fun experience this morning. So far this week I’ve been driving into work by virtue of either having to drive other places during the day or just not wanting to wake up early enough to run AND ride the bus, but today I decided I would finally bus in (side note: I hope to bike or bus to work the vast majority of the time if I can swing it. A lifetime of living in suburbia has me unlearning some bad habits at the moment) for the first time. Hopped on the first bus, no problem. Was reading, only half paying attention, got off at the stop I wanted to get off at, get on the second bus. It is of course heading in the WRONG direction. I love downtown Portland, but I needed to head east. Fortunately I was able to hop on board a completely different route that actually got me very close to work, but it there was a little nervousness involved since I had to be at a meeting at 9. I don’t enjoy being late for things.

Fortunately that experience helped me know which buses to take home, and mistakes are part of being new to the city, so ultimately it wasn’t a huge deal.

Overall the first week has been a really positive experience, and I’m excited to hit the ground running next week with even more progress. Here we go!

PS: For the record, this is what it felt like to take the bus around town while traffic was struggling.

This past week I was fortunate enough to attend a great pre-service orientation for my AmeriCorps term in LA, and I wanted to write a bit down about it before it started to slip out of my mind. So, in no particular order, a collection of thoughts:

What a great group of people. I met some really amazing human persons this week in LA, and I am certain that these are going to be people who will be out changing the world over the course of their lives. Definitely a humbling moment to be around people like that.

I was reminded once more of the ability of music to bring people together. Singing on the beach in Santa Monica, or in the hotel, I felt this kind of instant connection with the people I was with. I think there is a lot of beauty in our shared humanness, and in opening ourselves up to the vulnerability of making art. It was on full display this week, and it was an amazing feeling. I was also just impressed by people’s willingness to jump in and have an impromptu sing along. Not everyone can do that.

Favorite conspiracy theory posited: Daft Punk just keeps being replaced by new people, but you never know it.

Lucked out with both my roommates, Sander and Gunther the Beetle. All three of us, seeking that self-actualization.

If VISTA ever is looking for a new tagline, I would recommend “The Best. The Brightest. The Booziest.”

Semi-related: Drunk tweeting is the best/worst idea.

I also totally lucked out with the other VISTA working at my site. Andrew seems like a great person, and I can already tell that I’m going to learn a ton just being around him this year.

I got to go on a short side adventure to pay my respects to Ella Fitzgerald, and it was a special moment. What a legend.

Definitely was impressed by how much information they were able to pump into 3 days while still allowing for a bit of time for us to all get to know each other. I definitely feel energized going into my year of service, and I just hope that I can carry that with me when I eventually board the struggle bus at points this year.

I guess in the end I would have to say that this week was incredibly affirming, both in regards to underscoring my faith in humanity and in me believing that this work is important. I’m privileged in so many ways, and this weekend was just one of them. Also, this weekend did a masterful job of stoking the flames of my innermost political core. Let’s do some wealth redistribution, and let’s teach people how to live more effectively. Let’s build sustainable communities. Let’s give communities the support and tools they need to become sustainable themselves. Let’s tear down the patriarchy. Let’s think about what would happen if we loved a little more and judged a little less.

My only regret is that I won’t get to be around all of these people again. There’s always social media, but there is an inherent difficulty in building relationships with people when you’re so far apart. I guess we’ll just have to do our best and hope that we can keep the energy going. If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen. I just hope everyone comes to Portland visits sometime. Plenty of room on my couch. I might have to start trying to scrimp up a travel budget, too.

My heart is just so full.

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”–Rabindranath Tagore