"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Prince William has finally popped the Royal question! Buckingham Palace has announced that the second-in-line to the throne (Behind his father Prince Charles) is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. The two have dated on and off for eight years and are planning a wedding in the summer of 2011. Royal insiders say it may be even more lavish than the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana back in 1981.

- Queen Elizabeth was so excited when she heard the news she almost fell off the throne… and hit her head on the plunger.

- Kate is said to be madly in love with William and that he has her eating out of his hand… which, ironically is exactly how his dad Charles feeds his wife Camilla.

- William’s brother Harry will serve as best man so look for a Nazi- themed bachelor party held in a bunker with a an Eva Braun look-a-like jumping out of the cake.

You’ve Gotta Be “F”-ing Kidding Me!

It is now impossible to get at “F” at West Potomac High School in Washington, D.C. unless you never hand in a single assignment. Under a new plan, if a student doesn’t hand-in an assignment they’ll just get an “I” for incomplete. They can hand it in months after the due date and it will not be marked down for being late. And if they get every question on a test wrong, they can take it over until they pass. If they get an “A” on the 10th try, it counts the same as an “A” on the first try. The guy who came up with this idea pointed out that not everyone passes their driver’s test on the first try.

- Teachers say this will lead to fewer papers to grade, thus giving them much more time to have sex with their students!

- So they’re basically replacing the “No Child Left Behind” program with the new and improved “This Guy Has His Head Up His Behind” program.

Chewing the Fat!

A new study by an Oklahoma University researcher found that compassionate conversation about your problems can relieve stress, but “too much of a good thing is a bad thing.” Women who spend a lot of time talking about each others problems show a spike in the stress hormone cortisol – which can lead to chronic stress, high blood pressure, lower immune response and increased abdominal fat.

- And the Grande Half-Caf-Mocha Latte with whipped cream they drink while talking about those problems doesn’t help with the abdominal fat either.

- Men don’t talk about their feelings with their wives or girlfriends because they’re afraid they might slip and say, “Yes! Those pants do make your butt look big!”

- Women are going to be talking about this study for years to come!

Cookies With Nuts?

Some parents in England were stunned to learn that politically correct officials had changed lunchroom menus in 400 schools to turn gingerbread men into “gingerbread persons”. The parents called it “ridiculous” and raised such a ruckus that embarrassed school officials reversed their decision and will soon be offering Gingerbread Men again.

- There’s only one sure-fire way to know if your gingerbread cookie is male or female… run it through one of those full body scanners at the airport!

- Next thing you know they’ll be claiming that “Lorna Doone” is a lesbian.

She’ll Find Out If “It’s A Small World” After All!

56-year-old George Reiger of Pennsylvania is known as the “Disney Tattoo Guy” because he has 2,200 Disney-themed tattoos. He got the tatoos because he was lonely and they attracted attention to him. But now, he say’s he’s “totally in love” with a woman he met on a Disney Cruise and he wants to have the tattoos removed so he can start a fresh life with her.

- The woman, identified only as a “Ms. S. White” is said to be “head over tea-cups”.

- The Seven Dwarves couldn’t be reached for comment since they were trapped in a replica of a Chilean Mine in Epcot Center.

- George and his new girlfriend plan to double-date with the Mouses’, Mickey and Minnie.

- His girlfriend said she can’t help it… she just likes Goofy Guys.

- George promised her their wedding night is going to be like, “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride!”