Psychologist Jonathan Haidt describes humans as ultrasocial, a quality that is at least
partially a function of human development and use of language as a means of
symbolic communication. Communication, however, does not fully describe or explain
humans' ultrasocial nature.

The historical trajectory of humans, far more than that
of any other species, traces a broadening circle of those about whom others
expect one to demonstrate caring or from whom one can reasonably expect to
receive care. The oldest and most narrowly circumscribed circles of care
identify immediate family, including the nuclear family and perhaps those at
one or two removes from it, e.g., aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles,
cousins, grandparents, and great-grandparents. Subsequent circles of caring
expanded to include all known or identifiable members of one's biological
family and sometimes all members of a clan or tribe. More recently, circles of
caring widened to encompass all of the members of a nation or citizens of a
state. Arguably, the best hope for peace on earth is the further widening of
circles of caring to include all creation and all species.

Evolutionary biologists, along with some other
scholars, label the mutual expectations of caring reciprocal altruism (I've written about reciprocal altruism in Ethical
Musings – cf. Why be
religious? and A
global order in transition).

I prefer the term loving/being loved for two reasons. First, the word love more strongly connotes the
emotional attributes and expressions of this aspect of the spirit than does the
term reciprocal altruism. Behaviors
and thoughts associated with this aspect of the human spirit inseparably
intertwine and cognitive and affective qualities. Second, the term loving/being loved points to the inherent
link between this aspect of the spirit and ethics. Reciprocal altruism can too easily imply ethical neutrality whereas
love connotes positive expectations
and obligations, and the absence of love has negative connotations.

Christian theologians have long debated the meaning
of Jesus' death on the cross. Expiation and propitiation are just two of the most
popular alternative explanatory theories (cf. the Ethical Musings' post, Good Friday).

Importantly, almost every Christian theologian accepts
the proposition that Jesus' crucifixion expressed God's unquenchable love for
us, although most theologians probably reject this idea as insufficient to
explain the cross by itself. Thus, Christians emulate Jesus, their moral
exemplar, when they loving embrace humans and all creations.

This interpretation of the meaning of Jesus' death
echoes the gospel record of Jesus teaching his disciples to love one another
and to love others as they themselves wish to be loved. Jesus, who was Jewish, simply
underscored what Judaism already taught. Indeed, the latter instruction, sometimes
known as the Golden Rule, is a basic ethic found in all of the world's major
religions. Given that loving/being loved is an intrinsic element of the human spirit,
the Golden Rule's universality is predictable rather than surprising. Process
theologian John Hick has suggested that mutuality of relationships is the most
important quality of personal existence.

Implicit within the concept of loving/being loved –
regardless of whether it is formulated as loving/being loved, the Golden Rule,
or reciprocal altruism – is that a person must love her/himself in order to
love others. Both self-abnegation and narcissism impede spiritual growth.
Genuine self-love honestly appraises the self, affirmatively acknowledging what
is good while also acknowledging and seeking to change that which is destructive
or harmful to self, others, or creation.

Given this understanding of loving/being loved, the
following are spiritual disciplines that may help a person to cultivate this
aspect of the human spirit:

Daily perform an act
of kindness – Intentionally cultivating this habit will result not only in
a person becoming kinder but also more empathetic, more aware of the needs
of others, and more generous. These characteristics, in turn, will help you
to accept the love that others try to give to you.

Reconciliation with
the estranged – Seeking to reconcile with those from whom you are
estranged is a particular type of kindness. Hatred, jealousy, envy, shame,
and other negative emotions are corrosive acids that diminish a person's
spirit and thereby diminish one's humanity. Seeking reconciliation
requires admitting one's own faults and sins, expressing sorrow for those
shortcomings, opening one's self to being forgiven, and choosing to
forgive others for their faults and sins. Reconciliation is not always
possible, e.g., if the other person opposes refuses to work toward
reconciliation. But I can act to ensure that I am not the obstacle to
reconciliation. Additionally, reconciliation does not always entail
restoration. For example, reconciliation may end mutual animosity without
resuming intimacy or friendship.

Intentionally,
regularly, and sacrificially giving of one's time, talents, and treasure
to help build a more just, loving community – Each person is the steward
of a life. Good stewardship – the intentional, regular, and sacrificial
(think proportionally, i.e., as a percentage of time and wealth, initially
aiming at 10% and then upping the percentage until the totality of one's
time, abilities, and possessions are God's) giving – is a basic ethical
principle. You love God and others. Could you do so more effectively
(achieve more fulsome, life giving results)? Could you do so more
efficiently (achieve the same results using less time or money)? When it
comes to loving and being loved, both intentions and results matter. When
another person looks at you, your words, and your actions, do they see the
same love that so many discover when they look at Jesus hanging on the
cross?

If you have a
significant other, go on a weekly date together during which you converse
for at least an hour. If you have children, do something with each child
at least once a week, also allowing an hour for conversation. If a parent
is alive, commit to speaking with that parent weekly. In short, carve out
time each week to connect with those one is most likely to love and by
whom one is most likely to be loved. Healthily incorporating loving/being
loved into one's lifestyle does not mean loving all people equally. Only
God can do that. Instead, loving/being love entails prioritizing our
loves, beginning with those closest to us, but extending that love to
incorporate all. I am not to feed a starving child abroad before I feed my
own children. I am to do my best to ensure that all children, regardless
of where they live, have an adequate diet and good nutrition. This
obligation does require subordinating excessive personal pleasure to the
well-being of strangers, a challenging effort that defies easy or
universal answers.