new --- bah rapid response team

Mizzou_KXApril 28, 2005

Amy H came up with a good idea in another thread.

"You know, we could come up with some one liners on how to fix whatever problem or answer the question and cut and paste it every time the same question comes up again. We could each have our own little responses that we dutifully add to the thread. It would be better than an archive because everyone would think that it is a current thread, when we really had said the same thing every month or so for the last 5 years."

So, with that in mind I thought we could start our One-line (or more) Responses. This could become the "BAH RAPID RESPONSE TEAM". This could be a general one liner that would fit about any question or you can formulate your own question and then your one-line response.

Here's mine.

"Well if you'd keep the animals outside they wouldn't scratch the hardwood floors."

"If you had paid attention in math class you would have known that a 48" cooktop won't fit in a 30" base cabinet"

"Do you want to pay your contractor to pick up trash .... or drive nails?"

It applies to a multitude of situations. It's absolutely perfect for 95% of the "HELP..." posts. "Help, I ordered the wrong doors and now can't return them." "Help, the cheap GC I hired against all advice turned out to be a jackass." "Help, I didn't read or understand my contract." "Help, we're 50% over budget after 26 change orders and we still aren't dried in."

Reminds me of the joke about the prisoners who told the same jokes so many times that they just numbered them. Someone would yell "Number 33" or "Number 87" and everybody would laugh. One day a new guy yelled "Number 61" and everybody just looked at him kinda funny. Then one of the old prisoners said, "Well some people can tell a joke and some can't."

Oh man... these are too funny! I can instantly think of threads every one of the above posts could fit. I'm really trying to remember all the stupid stuff I've posted on here to see if my stuff fits into any of these "answers" being created here!

What is with these people that ask if their sinks must match their pot filler that match their faucets that match their hinges that match their light fixtures that match their carpet, garage doors, roofing and on and on and on!? Here's my bah rapid response:

"It must flow."

This will work for "matching" related questions as well as toliets that won't rid contents with one flush and how much cash is needed for building questions.

Oh no. I just had a terrible thought. I'm not finished building my house. I still need real advice. Since I came up with this idea, can I be exempt from receiving assistance from the bah rapid response team? I still need someone to listen to me whine and answer my stupid questions with patience and insight. I've created a monster!

Oh, gotta add my own bah rapid response (hereby abbreviated bahrr), which appropriately sounds like a place to drink...HMMMMM

How much will it cost to build a house in my area?
bahrr: $845,223.96 or
How the h3ll should I know? I live in my area, not yours.

Wow this is fun. You know, I was sorta thinking they should actually be helpful. That way we would look nice on the surface, but we wouldn't get bogged down with the repetition. If our answers are all smarta$$ answers, then they will start to remember our answers. Nobody actually remembers the factual, helpful stuff. We need to take turns being the bahrr smarta$$. Let's have a contest. Come up with a situation and everyone can post their reply. The one that is the rudest wins. Everyone else has to be helpful that time, except the one who apologizes for the winner and talks about how so and so must be having a bad day, please forgive them and don't think that everyone here is like that, you know he just forgot the emoticon at the end to let you know he was kidding.

Housewitch, when you called yourself a b, I almost jokingly suggested that you change your name, but I need that one. I'm going to change my name to houseb1tch, because building a house is turning me into a b. I went off on a Burger King employee tonight. What qualifications are required to work there if the employee can't count to 3??? Only 2 sandwiches in the bag. I need a valium.

I like the PRICE questions like "How much should I pay for my roof in the SE United States? I got a quote for $27k and I think the roofer drives a Mercedes and sends his kids to private school, and belongs to the country club."

We get about 6 responses from CA, Arizona, Maine, and Iowa describing in detail what they paid. One price was from 17 years ago but it's probably about the same today.

Then someone says that's about what they paid. Then we get the questions about roof pitch, shingle thickness, felt weight and whether the roofing price included toilets.

Someone says the roofer should not be able to drive nice cars and belong to the CC because it's just manual labor and only CEO's and MBA's and Trust Fund Babies should enjoy these luxuries. Someone else brings up the "Land of the Free" and private enterprise discussion and that the roofer could charge whatever he wants as long as someone else will pay it.

Another reply states that they saw their roofer peeing off the roof and that one should only pee outside if they are behind a tree in the rough on the 16th fairway.

A non-golfer states that golf is for sissies and is only an excuse to drink beer (hence the need for frequent peeing) and that beer is better consumed around a pool table in a darkened room with cigar smoke-stained walls.

Then someone whose brother-in-law was once married to a woman whose ex-sister-in-law's friend was a thoracic surgeon brings up the damaged caused by second-hand cigar smoke to the lungs of pool players and explains that the New England Journal of Medicine did not find the same type of problems occurring in golfers.

Another reply states that golfers are still sissies.

A sportsman states that due to the above arguments that they prefer fishing as a recreational endeavor and then someone else complains that fish are becoming endangered and that we should be better stewards of the environment. Golf courses and housing developments are eating up what is left of the natural areas and that anyone who builds a house that needs a $27k roof is environmentally irresponsible.

Then someone mentions McMansions and the thread takes a turn for the worse.

I'm a general contractor who does roofing on the side, drives the big Mercedes when my gas guzzling Hummer is in the shop, plays golf at my country club, plays pool at the local bar, culls environmentally irresponsible numbers of fish from protected areas, and builds McMansions for $3 a sqare foot (including roofs and toilets). I used to be a thoracic surgeaon, but had to give it up to devote more time to smoking cigars, peeing in sumps, cheating poor homeowners on change orders, and complaining about gas and materials prices. And I take grave exception to your characterizations.

I haven't felt stupid enough yet...Too much company and had to make a wedding cake this morning. PRESSURE!!

Hey, maybe we could do an FAQ titled: Don't Ask The Following Stupid Questions... sounds like a fun project!!

I have 4 cats and I am not a fan of the Decor Forum. I've always been struck how those giving the "Most informed answers (and also decide which threads to snub)" have the most BU++ ugly, cheapo, and tacky, no-taste Decor anywhere on Gardenweb. But then maybe I just have an attitude problem today!@!

I was thinking of getting one of those dogs you can keep in a purse like Paris Hilton has, but then that's just one more thing I'd have to clean up pee after in public. All of a sudden my daughter untrained herself. That's been fun.

Ha, speakin' of cats. Which I wasn't but you guys were. Remember the pic of the cat with the helmet made out of a lime peeling? That was great!!!!! Can't remember who posted that one. TigerlilySC maybe.

More on bah for a photo that's just plain ugly--do the ugly baby thang--you know, "oh, that's such an ALERT kitchen" wow, that is such a "healthy" ceiling, oh my-but that paint color is so, so-"strong" for it's age I mean it's strong-ahhh." and always, "I bet you're very proud." :P

P.s. Disregard ALL of the above as it's purely mean and God doesn't like it. (what I tell my 7 yr. old.) :)

Britta -- You can get a widdle doggie-in-a-purse. The widdle doggie widdles IN the purse...then you throw the purse away! I never clean up after my widdle doggie when he pees, just when he poops. He sometimes squats to pee, then he fastidiously walks off several steps on his front legs, lest he accidently step in the puddle. Believe me nobody taught him that one. Your DD can't walk on her hands, can she? Don't tell her about this dog.

That is NOT MY toilet. Mine would have British Racing Green stripes. Not that I'm British or anything, I just like the color. Now that you mention it, the Kawasaki Lime Green" would be a fantastic fashion statement too, I do believe. That's probably why I like the cat with the lime helmet.

Just came in from the yard for a break. Gotta go plant some new flowers in the tractor tire. And I can't remember where I put those darn flamingos, the blue gazing balls, and the "boy peeing in the fountain statue". I think those gazing balls are "just precious".

Just a reminder to us all--it's that time of year. I just left the house site; DH stayed behind. He just walked in the door to tell me he found a monster-sized water moccasin between the back sidewalk and garage, under an upturned wheelbarrow--next to outide ac units. I had just been standing there, and although we have a lake lot and see snakes every year, since I hadn't seen any snakes this season, I have let my guard down and wasn't thinking about snakes, certainly not with painters, etc. around. Lucikly, DH had a hoe and the painters (yes, working on Sunday) coaxed him away from the house with a rake--he came after DH, white mouth open. I understand he is now hanging on a trailer, waiting for the snake phobia guy to show up tomorrow. We have avoided killing the moccasins and copperheads we've come across up there, but now that we're about to move in and they are right up against the house, I guess we'll have to kill them.

Please, everyone--be careful! Mizzou, I hope you looked good in that tractor tire! LOL

A huge water mocassin right outside your back door?! Oh my goodness. I am kind of weird in that I actually like snakes - well, just the nonpoisonous variety. I have young children who wander our fields and forests every day and am feeling very blessed right now that I don't have poisonous snakes to worry about. I thought deer ticks (we are one of the worst areas in the US for deer ticks - what an honor) were bad enough.

As to your earlier posting about watching for BAHRR on handling ugly babies and homes, well, I'll be watching for "alert" comments as well! :)

Speaking of cats...my four bring up a dead baby snake on the front porch rug (as a gift, I'm sure!) every other day. Hey, that's a few that won't get big and creepy. That and the Scorpion killing is WHY I have four cats!!!

Went and posted on the toilet cover thread...couldn't help myself. Off to plant herbs!!!

It's the perfect "Southern lady" phrase, as it sounds polite, appears to be an expression of approval, yet avoids actual comment on the thing in question. It's the difference between "responding" to a question and "answering" a question.

Don't y'all's Mamas teach y'all things like this? Around here, nice girls don't get out of elementary school without such basic information!

It doesn't mean anything, but again, sounds vaguely like a polite - even enthusiastic - expression of approval. You have to be at least 50 to carry that off, though.

Mizzou, "bless your heart" is Southern for "I'm sorry for you/him/her/them" (Bless her heart, he always was a no-account philanderer...Bless his heart, he never did have enough sense to come in out the rain...) If the person you're talking to doesn't know that, however, it can be perfect.

All this southern charm talk reminds me of the joke of three southern belles sitting on a porch one hot afternoon fanning themselves...

1st Southern Belle: My mamma always taught me that the only way a girl will be happy in life is to marry a rich man and buy only the best china to have your dinner parties with. Others will be jealous with envy...

3rd Southern Belle: That's niiicceee....

2nd Southern Belle: Well, my mamma always told me you're nothing in this life if you don't have the biggest house with the most friends, all of which are extremely successful in their lives....

3rd Southern Belle: That's niiiiccceeee....

1st Southern Belle again: What did your mamma teach you?

3rd Southern Belle: My mamma said if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, and you really just want to tell them to F*&k off, then you say "That's niiiccceee....."

I HATE it when someone thinks I said my name was "Alice." Reminds me of Alice on the Brady Bunch, or Gladys Kravitz on Bewitched...which I know isn't an Alice but still! I never understand what was up with Alice in Wonderland. And Alice Cooper - Good God! What a weirdo!

You have something in common with my daughter. Her name is Alix. If she's not being called Alice, it's Alexandra, which isn't her name either. She can blame her dad for this problem--I wanted to name her Margaret. I don't know why.

Our family didn't even plan it this way, but all the cousins (the oldest being 6) are named: Chad, Zack, Max, Jack, Emma and Jenna. It's real fun at family gatherings. Kinda reminds me of that Bill Cosby routine "I thought my name was D@mn it! until I was 5 years old...."