Born in Beijing, once divorced and once widowed and with an 8-year-old
daughter from the first marriage, Dawn Xiao Yan Li found her happiness
in her third marriage after marrying Richard Kaser,
an British/Kiwi engineer. Believing that love is not constrained by
national borders through her own experience, Dawn now runs the
international dating website company "Asian Promise" from her Auckland
home which helps her fellow women, most of whom are divorced
ladies with a child who have difficulties to find love and marry again
in China because of Chinese tradition, to find true love and quality
marriage in the western countries.

The Internet has made Dawn's dream come true. With technical support
from her husband, the "Asian Promise" website (www.asianpromise.com)
has helped hundreds of people throughout the world find love and
marriage over the past 6 years.

Knowing it is not good enough just to provide a way for people to meet,
particularly for a cross-cultural relationship (CCR), Dawn wrote two
Chinese language books and one English language book.The English book
was published in 2006 providing advice and knowledge for Westerners who
are interested in Chinese women or who are already in a CCR .

In her English book "Chinese Women in Love and Marriage – a Guide to
Happiness in Cross-Cultural Relationships ", Dawn demonstrates the most
effective ways to develop a healthy and happy cross-cultural
relationship with stories based on her work and life experience.

"The biggest challenge in a CCR is not the difference in culture, but
the ability to deal with the difference. " Dawn says when being
interviewed by Herald on Sunday.

"You have to give up something you have been used to and be willing to
make changes yourself as well as your partner."

Dawn's husband Richard Kaser agrees with his wife 's view. He adds:
"Knowing the cultural differences between you and your partner is
important and you should be ready to make a compromise and to develop a
multi-cultural relationship culture. Otherwise, you'd be better off
marrying people from your own culture. In fact, the attitude required
is not that different to that needed to address the issue of
difference between women and man."

Dawn gives an example by telling a true story. Not long after a Chinese
lady married an American through Dawn's help, conflicts appeared. The
Chinese lady wished to save money as much as possible while the husband
liked to spend money with credit cards without worring about the
interest charges. One day, the Chinese lady began to complain when her
husband was enjoying a football match on TV. Seeing no response
from her man, she grabbed the bottle of beer out of her husband 's
hand. Inevitably, a fight erupted between the couple.

Another example shows that a Chinese lady could not tolerate the
untidiness of her husband 's workshop and cleaned it thoroughly when he
was away. Unsurprisingly, her efforts did not win appreciation from her
husband but just the opposite instead.

The different political influence between the West and China saw one
loving couple separated because of their different attitudes towards the
Iraq war.

In terms of attitudes to education, which is a big challenge in CCR, it
is a Chinese tradition that children' s academic study is above anything
else. But in New Zealand, children's happiness is more important than
education and career. Dawn acknowledges that she and Richard "have
adjusted to each other 's culture well except when it comes to the
education of our children. "We are still working on it."

So "do not judge your partner based on your own background experience
and knowledge. You just have to be a bit more patient
and open-minded and make a real effort to understand and compromise
with each other." Richard summaries.

"And don't let the cultural difference hold you back. Actually, it does
not affect a couple's relationship as much as the gender difference. The
most important point is that your relationship is founded on true love
and with love, many differences and difficulties can be overcome ." Dawn
adds.

Notes: Dawn's book "Chinese Women in Love and Marriage - A Guide to
Happiness in Cross-Cutural Relationships" is available in downloadable
e-book format, or in hard copy from Amazon.com.

Interviewed
by "City Weekend",the
largest
privately owned English language magazine in
China

1. Could you tell us a little bit about your history
in relationships and how it influenced your writing of this
book?

It is a long story. I have my personal story on the Asian
Promise website, but it is in Chinese. I wouldn’t mind to tell
you it in detail for your another article one day. Herewith is
an only brief summary:

My first husband was Chinese. He came to New Zealand from
Beijing China on a student visa in 1989 and I joined him in
1991 after two years separation (we couldn’t came to NZ
together because of visa and money issues). I left him two
year after I came to NZ. Our different attitudes toward the
new challenge in a new country were the main reason for our
divorce. I had a very hard time during the divorce (under huge
pressure from Chinese tradition).

I met my second husband in 1992. He was a New Zealander and
also my NZ business partner. We didn’t get married until 1997
just before we moved to Hong Kong for life adventure. We moved
to HK in Feb. 1997 and he became sick in May, and died from
cancer in Aug. - 5 months after we arrived in HK. It was a
hard time for me as it happened all so suddenly. I didn’t have
close friends or family members in HK. However my daughter
Simone (she was 8 years old then) and I received a strong
support from people around - my Irish boss, local HK
colleagues, my American Chinese roommate and my company (a
international medical publisher). It was from this support I
first felt deeply that “LOVE” was without borders.

In my 2nd marriage, my husband and I had both spent lots of
effort to make our relationship work because of the
differences between us. From it, I learnt that with love,
everything is possible as long as we have similar expectations
and values. From it, I also learnt more and more Western
culture. The more I understood the Western culture, the more I
liked it, which formed a foundation for my 3rd marriage – my
current marriage.

I met Richard who was from England one year after my 2nd
husband died in HK. We have now been happily married for 7
years and it has been the happiest time of my life! We had our
second child Leo in 1999. Because of our love, we have
developed Asian Promise and I have written 3 books that are
all about love and marriage. (The first two are Chinese
language books and the most recent one is “Chinese Women in
Love and Marriage” in English)

From my personal life, I have gained a strong belief in “LOVE
(in general)”, and I believe “LOVE” and “love (in
relationships)” is not constrained by nationality. I want to
use my belief and happiness to help others find love and enjoy
love as much as I do.

2. How does your husband feel about the book?

Richard has written his review at webpage:
http://www.asianpromise.com/chinese-women-in-love-and-marriage.htm

Richard has given me lots of support on my work and books. I
have to say that without his support and love, I could not
have developed Asian Promise or written my books. I have
expressed it sincerely in my “afterword” of my book.

3. How did you go about researching this book? Did you
interview Chinese women and foreigners, and those in
cross-cultural relationships or is it mainly based on personal
experience? Where did you contact couples to get information?
How did you contact them? Did the majority of them meet
online, or in person?

From my daily correspondence with my customers by emails
and telephone calls over the last 6 years..

From my annual workshops in China (meeting and lecturing
Chinese ladies who want to find love and marriage) since year
2000.

From true stories from my customers, my friends and myself.

From two email surveys, one for Chinese women in 2003 and
one for Western men in 2004 (more than 100 people involved). I
sent two set of questions to women and men to ask them about
their thoughts on Internet dating, their choice, their
attitudes to cross-cultural relationships (CCR).

Most of the true stories I used in the book are from people
who met online.

4. You seem to have generally had positive feedback
from the men who have used your book. Have you ever had
negative feedback? If so, from whom and what were your
feelings about that.

I haven’t received any negative feedback since it was
published as an e-book in June this year (2006). However I do
receive feedback from men who ask me more questions that I
haven’t covered in my book after they read my book. If I need
to improve the book, I would like to add one more chapter on
FAQ later. I am not doing this now because I am waiting for
more questions from men.

5. What does the average Chinese woman think of your
book? Do you plan to publish it also in Chinese?

It is written for Westerners and it is in English. So far only
two Chinese ladies who have good English read it. They all
like it very much. I have published one lady’s feedback on my
site along with the men’s feedback (see:
http://www.asianpromise.com/chinese-women-in-love-and-marriage.htm).
I am not going to publish it in Chinese because I have written
a Chinese language book, which has a different focus based on
different concerns, strength and weakness but with the same
goal, for Chinese already. Please see this at:
http://www.asianpromise.com/Connecting-You-to-Love.htm.

6. You go through advice for men on how to appear
honest and genuine online - how many men do you think are
simply playing around with women's hearts online? What do you
think of these men? How do women avoid them?

There are, but not many from long distance dating sites and
serious (for love and marriage only) or paid dating sites – it
isn’t worth it and is not necessary. From our Asian Promise
experience, less than 10% of men are playing games. I believe
games happen much more in local dating sites, free dating
sites and multi-purpose dating sites. I understand people can
date for different reasons. However it would be unfair for men
to play games with ladies who are seriously looking for true
love and marriage. I am glad to see most Western men are open
with their dating intentions from our Asian Promise
experience.

Although there are men who just play games online and they
don’t tell the truth, it is easy to find out if you follow the
advices that are now given by many dating websites (I have
written advice for women and men in my books as well).

The most important thing for people to avoid being cheated is
to learn and grow. There are risks everywhere, including
dating online and offline, in CCR and non-CCR. Love is a risk
itself. Whether you can avoid them is nothing to do with how
do you meet or what kind of relationship you have, it depends
on the people who are in the situation. No one can avoid
risks, but one can learn to reduce the risks.

7. What about the dangers of meeting and dating online
- for both sides (men can be scammed, so can women)?

Honestly speaking, it is safer to date online than offline.
You can have a good communication before you meet, of which
people focus on more soul connection than physical attraction.
More than 70% of our customers married after they met in
person after date online. Having a good communication before
meeting is the advantage of meeting online, which is a key to
relationship success.

The only down side I can think of is that the Internet is in
unreal setting that could make it easier for people who want
to trick people. Therefore, Internet dating may not be a good
way to meet, for love and marriage, for people who have less
life experience or who are not sensible and not realistic.
Again, it depends on the person. If the person is not mature
and sensible, he/she could be in danger in whatever way to
meet.

8. Cross cultural relationships are very tricky, even
when two people fall in love in person. How do you think the
internet makes this easier/harder?

Please refer it to chapter 4 of the book.

9. Do you ever get any queries about foreign women
seeking Chinese men? Why or why not do you think?

It is a good question. The answer is no. May be my service
hasn’t targeted this market, or there may be not a market
there. I am not sure about the exact reason and I want to find
out too. I do have queries from Chinese men who want to find
Western women. I am a Chinese lady, so my expertise and
interest really is to help Chinese women. For a business, I
have to think what I am good at, not just what I like to do.

10. Do you ever get accused of stereotyping Chinese
women? What have your responses been to these types of
accusations?

No. There are common views and attitudes towards love and
marriage stemming from Chinese history and upbringing. However
in my book I have emphasized that most of Chinese women today
are open-minded, willing to learn new things and that
“culture” is actually practiced by each person individually.
In the end, it will be entirely up to the two of you to work
through. I have tried not to express any generalizations about
Chinese women myself, but I do quote what men say about
Chinese women in my book (please refer to chapter 2).

11. How do you feel about marketing a "race" of women,
in terms of them being seen as a commodity?

That is not my interest at all. I think it is old fashioned
and it has become history.

I know that your book is in no way related to mail-order
brides, but why do you think that Chinese women are so
appealing that an entire book can be written about them as
ideal brides?

I can write an entire book about Chinese women not because
they are ideal brides (an ideal bride has nothing to do with
her race, it depends on individual need), but because I know
them very well. I would like to write and help other foreign
women if I knew them as well as Chinese women. I believe women
from different backgrounds and countries have their unique
attraction. Unfortunately I don’t know women from other
nations well enough to tell. I am a Chinese lady, so I am able
to paint the full picture of Chinese women today to people who
don’t know them well.

What makes Chinese women different from Western women?

Please refer to chapter 2 of the book.

12. Do you think it is a different type of man that is
attracted to a Chinese woman? In that, I mean, are the men
more gentle/caring/adventurous/ambitious? Why would a man
choose a Chinese bride over a foreign bride?

People choose Chinese brides for different reasons. Please
refer to my book chapter 2.

13. You are coming to China in November - what are
your plans while you're here? Will you be promoting the book
to the foreign community across China ?

Absolutely not. I do my usual annual workshop (this is in my
Author profile of the book) in China to meet and lecture
Chinese women who want to find true love. I have done this
since year 2000 when Asian Promise started.

I just completed the book "Chinese Women in Love and Marriage"
last month. Before I wrote the book "Chinese Women in Love and
Marriage", I have completed two Chinese languages books
already (they are in author profile too). One of them is to
help Chinese to find true love (you can see the details of the
book at:
http://www.asianpromise.com/Connecting-You-to-Love.htm), which
has been published in Hong Kong and the mainland of China in
2005 and 2006.

My goal and work is to help Chinese women to find love and
marriage internationally, while my guide to Westerners and the
issue of cross-cultural relationships has just, by chance,
come to cross my goal.

14. Will you be holding any workshops etc.? What will
these teach participants? Have you held these workshops
before?

Please see my answer in question 13.

15. Have you heard recently about Ms. Gong Haiyan and
her online dating services and how she planned to bring
foreign men to China for a week to meet Chinese women but then
the government stopped it and refused to allow her to arrange
such activities? Why do you think the government is afraid of
this type of thing?

I haven't heard of her plan (thank you for the information),
but I do know her website. I know the Chinese government is
always cautious about CCR. I understand it because there have
been bad and sad stories about CCR before and now. Besides,
there are so many match making agents that are doing things
for money not for customers’ benefits in China , they have
planted the bad seeds for their customers’ future. I think the
Chinese government wants to avoid the bad stories happening by
controlling those agents’ practice. The US has introduced very
strict laws governing CCR agents/sites too in March (IMBRA).

However I think the ultimate solution for government is to
educate people to have a good attitude about love and marriage
and introduce them the real Western thoughts about love and
marriage, which will leave no chance for those agents to make
dishonest money from people. “To give the sword to people” is
the most effective way to help people and to stop someone
using people’s ignorance to make money. No one can stop people
to find true love, but Chinese people do need to be taught how
to find it. Good education on love and marriage is still very
poor in China compared to the Western world. This is the
ultimate reason behind most of the sad stories, not only in
CCR, but also in local relationships and marriages.

Offering more opportunities for people to meet for love and
marriage is not good enough, teaching them the right way to
approach is even more important. This is the aim of my books
and Asian Promise.

16. Have you ever experienced any negativity from the
Chinese authorities?

I had difficulties to get my first Chinese language book
(Connecting you to love/Finding true love online) published in
mainland China at the beginning. I had contacted several
editors in different government publishers in China and I was
rejected for different reasons. I knew it was mainly the
topic. The publishers were not sure about it. This led me to
firstly publish my book in Hong Kong by Cosmos Books.
Ironically I wrote it out of demand by Chinese from mainland
China .

However the core of my book is teaching Chinese to find true
love and introducing to people Western thoughts above love and
marriage (there are many myths on this issue). I use the
Internet as a way to get it into the market. The entire
contents of the book are positive. After all, I am not
promoting Internet dating and CCR. So it got published by the
Chinese Youth Press, a big government publisher in Beijing ,
as soon as I contacted them. It was published 8 months after
its publication in HK. I am very pleased. The Chinese
government does help and support their people to learn and
grow.

In general speaking, Asian Promise and my books are doing fine
in China . More and more people know Asian Promise and my
books, and the Asian Promise website has been listed in all
the major Chinese search engines. Asian Promise is a serious
dating site and it helps Chinese women to find love and
marriage internationally. Although we can not promote our
service in Chinese newspapers or through the media under
government policy (we would need to have special permission
for which we haven’t applied), we don’t have any trouble to do
our business on Internet.

More to say:

In addition, I would like to emphasize that Asian Promise and
I are not working to promote CCR, we are helping Chinese women
to find love internationally. People have many different
reasons to choose CCR (the reasons for Chinese women to choose
Western men and vice versa are in my book chapter 2. As the
world becomes more and more international and more and more
people use the Internet, there will be more and more CCR
without any doubt.

To help people who are in CCR is result of my belief and part
of my goals. I want to tell people, who choose CCR, that CCR
works! As I said in my book “Afterword”:

“For a cross-cultural relationship, the difference is not the
issue; rather it is the attitude to the difference which is
the issue. If you are a person who likes difference and
challenge, then a cross-cultural relationship is a Godsend.
However, the heart of the issue is “LOVE”. With love,
everything is possible! ”

-
Interviewed by Laura Hutchison, September 2006, just after the
book launch