(I have a very unusual name. A few years ago, I began receiving offers for platinum business credit cards in my junk mail. They’re addressed to my name, with “owner” on the following line. I have never owned a business nor held any relevant permits or licenses, so I find it very confusing. Eventually I get the following phone call.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, can I speak to the owner of [My Name], please?”

Me: “Uh… This is [My Name].”

Telemarketer: “Yes, but I am looking for the OWNER of [My Name]. Can I speak to the OWNER of [My Name], please?”

Me: “Wait, WHAT? You ARE talking to me. I’m [My Name].”

Telemarketer: “So you are the owner of [My Name]? I’m calling about [credit card offer]—”

(At this point I realize why I’d been getting that weird junk mail.)

Me: “Um, no. [My Name] is not a business. [My Name] is MY NAME. I am a PERSON. And I don’t have an owner because slavery is illegal, last I checked.”

Telemarketer: “This…isn’t a business?”

Me: “No. I am not a business.”

Telemarketer: “…[My Name] is… your… name?”

Me: “Yes. So how did I get on this list? And who in their right mind would call a business [My Name], anyway???:

(I work as a door-to-door marketer. My coworker and I have split up, and after we’ve finished our respective sections of the neighborhood we regroup. He apparently finished before me, and is getting out of a car I do not recognize.)

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Coworker:*laughs* “I was walking by, and those kids invited me to smoke with them!”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they were just smoking a hookah and said, ‘Hey, wanna smoke with us?’ How could I resist?”