"Life is either A Daring Adventure or nothing." ~ Helen Keller

This is us. The one showing lots of shoulder (in her Chengdu, China Marine Ball ball gown!) is the EFM who writes this blog. The one wearing a tux (James) is the employee who moves her (and their two sons) around all over the world. The red link, below, is how you can get in touch with me...

Yes, Beijing's Forbidden City (pictured, above) is really pretty and all, but I like Chengdu much better than Beijing!

In Our Same Boat (with State)

Beyond the CornfieldsBrand-new State Department family in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Love their two little girls (she just recently had a baby while being posted in Dhaka), horticulture, traveling and adventure!

Email From The EmbassyState Department family formerly in Beijing, China, and recently posted to Amman, Jordan. A trailing spouse, she's also a writer, and frequently publishes articles with major news sources. A very experienced State family, this new post is something like overseas post number six or seven for them.

Just USA beautiful family of seven - they have arrived at their new post: Jerusalem! They just finished off an unaccompanied tour to Iraq and are very much looking forward to sightseeing around the middle east.

Our LifeState Department family on their second post...Tijuana, Mexico. It's their first overseas assignment and they have two little boys. They love Tijuana so far and post pictures frequently! They also get to enjoy the best of both worlds for they can sneak over the border into San Diego when they want to!

The Dinoia FamilyState Department family formerly in California, now in DC for a DC tour. Next, the husband will do a one year unaccompanied tour. A very experienced State family (formerly in Iceland and Caracas) with a blog that has been around quite a while and has great archives. Jen has a sweet heart and a lot to give!

The Perlman UpdateState Department family formerly in Chennai, India, who then did a year-long unaccompanied tour in Iraq. They are now on a DC tour and after that will do another unaccompanied tour (Afghanistan). She totally tells it like it is and doesn't sugar-coat what life is really like. Witty, snarky, funny and down-to-earth. Look elsewhere if you want fake. Read if you want REAL.

Where in the World Am I?State Department family formerly in Bujumbura, Burundi and now in Hyderabad, India. They just had their first baby this summer - a beautiful little girl- (there's a separate blog about this) and she also eats gluten-free (with a separate blog, also).

One of the most intriguing things about Chengdu is that it is a seamless blend of ancient and modern... all together, side by side.

Can't Live Without (non-State)

In Which...My IRL friend, a stay-at-home, homeschooling Mama of seven. Her darling daughters are, goshdarnit, probably too young to be hoped for as my future daughters-in-law.

The Crib ChickMy IRL friend, a stay-at-home, homeschooling Mama of five. Hopefully two (Any two! I'm not picky!) of which are my future daughters-in-law.

the underwear drawerAn anesthesiologist who is possibly the most talented & entertaining writer ever. I've read her blog ever since she started medical school. No, don't know her in real life. Wish I did.

The BloggessThis blog is both hysterically funny and hilariously irreverent. I actually let my 17 year old son read it (who loves it as much as I do!), but wouldn't even CONSIDER letting my 12 year old son read it. Which is about all the description it needs!

The grounds of Chengdu monasteries can be very, very peaceful...even though they are smack dab in the heart of a city of millions of people.

06/07/2014

Here we have my pasty white bread kid modeling my new purse that I just bought today. It was literally handmade by Japanese prisoners. As in: Japanese people IN PRISON IN JAPAN. There is pretty close to a ZERO percent chance that you own a purse made by Japanese prisoners. And look how pasty white my kid is. He's so white he's almost translucent.

So there are a whole lot of things you don't want to be in this world. No, seriously.

Like how you don't want to be the guy who goes into a city's backed up septic system and unclogs it with his hands. Or how you don't want to be the guy who works in, I don't know, a slaughter house or a meat packing plant.

Now, since this is Japan and not America, the prisoners DO STUFF. They aren't forming gangs and beating the hell out of each other in all of their spare time like prisoners do in America. Instead, prisoners in Japan are busy MAKING STUFF. They WORK. As in: prison here comes complete with forced labor. Prisoners make stuff that people can buy. And I did.

I even bought a little clip-on cell phone carry pouch! You can see it on the right side of the trendy Japanese-prisoner-handmade bag. Because every Japanese-prisoner-made bag should come with a matching cell phone pouch. Don't you agree?

But you know what else? IT GETS BETTER.

(I know, I know - you're trying to figure out what in the world could possibly make this bag any better! But I'm about to tell you!)

When you flip open the front flap of the bag, NOT ONLY is there a FANTASTIC label that reads "PRISON" (just in case you wanted to be able to show your fashionable bag's label off to all of your friends), but also, the lining of the bag is replete with the words "Brand Impregnated Safety Matches" All. Over. The. Place!!!

So yes, I am beside myself with joy over my fantastic aquisition!

And just because I haven't blogged in about a zillion years, I give you something else that you will only find in Japan:

Yes, my friends: this is a Pokemon airplane. And not just ANY Pokemon airplane: it's the Pokemon airplane that James flew in the last time he went on a business trip! Because Japan.

But wait! There's more!!

Because what would flying on a Pokemon airplane BE without also having Pokemon seat covers?

Tune in next time when I blog again sooner than a whole month from now!

(And just in case you were wondering, the answer is NO.

NO, the prisoners do NOT get to keep the money from the stuff they made that gets sold to the public. The money goes toward buying more materials so that more products can be made!)

05/04/2014

Before I get to the bottom line of the latest thing to REALLY tick me off (it's always something don'tcha know), there's some backstory that we need to talk about first.

First of all, have you ever heard of challenge coins? Perhaps you have and perhaps you haven't. But basically they are all the rage in military and law enforcement circles. DS Agents like my husband love to trade them, as do the Marines, etc. James loves to trade them, too. It's sort of a thing of his.

In fact, collecting and trading challenge coins are so much a hobby of his that James actually designed and created his very own challenge coin. James did this when we lived in Chengdu and when he was an ARSO-I (Assistant Regional Security Officer - Investigator) there. He had started the ARSO-I program from scratch at U.S. Consulate Chengdu, and since the I program there was new and didn't have a challenge coin, he decided to create one.

It took him a long time. First, he researched different coin manufacturing companies. Then he designed it, front and back. He sent his initial, original design in to the coin manufacturing company and he and they worked together to make it exactly how he wanted it.

Once the coin looked exactly like he wanted it to (and it took about two months of back and forth between James and the coin manufacturing company to get the design right), he had them crafted. He had 100 of them made, and he paid about $800 - just to be clear, that's $800 of OUR FAMILY'S MONEY, not government money, just in case anyone cares - on the purchase of these 100 original coins. That he had created. From scratch. All by himself.

He's given a few of them out to friends here and there. He's traded a few others. Out of the inital 100 that he purchased, he's parted with about, oh, maybe 30 coins in total. Of those 30 coins, he's given out maybe 10 of them here in Tokyo.

So imagine our suprise to find one of James' coins for sale on eBay.

That's right, folks. Some smarmy @sshole is SELLING one of my husband's coins on eBay. Whoever he is, he's based in Japan, and we're betting he's with the Embassy. How could he not be? Check it out, y'all:

This would be my husband's coin. Being sold by someone in "Japan." FOR FIFTY BUCKS. We paid $8.

So many pretty pictures of my husband's coin. From so many different angles. The sort of thing one does when one is hoping to fetch FIFTY BUCKS (and maybe the bidding will go higher!) for something that one either stole* or came by for free in trade - something that originally cost my husband $8.

(*Yes, I did say STOLE, didn't I? It's possible. People - like my husband - who care about challenge coins often keep them out on their desks at work.)

So who is this person who is trying to make himself fifty bucks off my husband's coin?

Astig 1521: I'm not impressed with you. Just in case you haven't figured it out yet. And I don't give a flying rat's @ss WHAT it is that you do at the Embassy, just in case you turn out to be someone important or something. But seeing as how you conduct yourself, let's hope you're not.

A quick investigation into the person selling my husband's coin ("astig 1521") reveals yet more @ssholery. Because check it, yall - he's selling the Embassy's coin - the same Embassy coin you can buy in the Embassy cafeteria for something like $5 or $10 - on eBay also:

Trying to make $14 or so off of the Embassy's coin? Astig 1521, you are one seriously classy dude. Or not.

So on one hand: I'm spitting mad over this smarmy slimebag, whoever he is, who is making money for his own self off of stealing/swapping/whatevering coins.

On the other hand: if you've ever wanted a one-of-a-kind coin envisioned and designed by my husband, you have four more days to bid for it on eBay.

[UPDATE: Since James' coin is being shipped out of Tokyo, Japan, which is what is says on eBay, and since the guy is obviously with the Embassy here, and since the ad for the coin says that the dude is charging $15 for "expedited shipping," then does that mean that he's using the pouch mail system to send these things out when he sells them? A question I would LOVE to have answered, especially since he currently has 14 items for sale on eBay...]

04/25/2014

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and it would probably be best to resume blogging after this extended, unintended absence by talking about how supremely insanely awesome this assignment to Tokyo is, but we interrupt that sort of gushing (the type that would earn us justifiable hatred by all DS families because it's so hard to get to somewhere like Tokyo let alone getting here without having to go to to AIP first) with...

HELLO, THIS MORNING WE HUNG OUT WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA AND AMBASSADOR (Ambassadress? Ambassatrix?) CAROLINE KENNEDY.

Caroline Kennedy? As in daughter of JFK and Jackie Caroline Kennedy? And President Obama? Both of them together? In the same room? At the same podium? And the four of us there in the same room with them?

Oh hells to the yeah.

Families of State personnel here in Tokyo were invited to a special opportunity ("Meet & Greet") this morning during President Obama's trip to Tokyo and you bet your bottom dollar we were there. Super early in the morning. So early that pretty much just this would have hauled our otherwise lazy selves out of bed that early.

We stood in line for a long time (who cares?), and then stood in the room for a long time (who cares?) and then Ambassador (Ambassadress? Ambassatrix?) Kennedy introduced President Obama!

There she is! She's SOOoooo gorgeous. And in the bottom left you can see President Obama climbing the stairs up to the stage...

Lots of witty remarks! Lots of identifying with the audience! The Presidential flag AND the American flag! 'MERCUH!!

And then Ambassador/dress/trix Kennedy exited stage left and President Obama addressed the crowd...

Speak to us, leader of the free world. Those who voted for you are nearly apoplectic with sheer joy and those who didn't would still knock over their grandmother or trample their infant children to get even two inches closer to the stage.

You think I'm kidding? I'm SO not kidding. The crowd of State folks was polite... with an undertone of "I've been freaking standing on this two square millimeters of carpeting for the last FOUR HOURS and I woke up at 3 am so I could get as close to the stage as possible and if anyone tries to pull me even a quarter of a millimeter backwards or to the side I will freaking strangle them with the lanyard of my Top Secret Clearance badge and stand on their dead body in order to see better!"

The kids (supposedly all who were 16 and younger, although let me just say that more than a handful of "kids" in the special kid crowd were wayyyyyyyyy older than that) had a special, roped-off area in the room just for them, and the rumor was that the President was going to head to the kiddoes first after speaking in order to shake the kids' hands and say hello to them. And that is exactly what happened...

President Obama exits the stage and heads directly for the 16-and-under-crowd, which is where my Zachary was standing!! SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!

James, Matthew, and I, being older than 16 and having no bloodthirsty drive to hack our way to the front of the crowd by sheer, murderous force, stayed a bit behind the shake-the-President's-hand zone and watched the swarming mass of humanity desperately surging toward President Obama in hopes of having their hands shaken.

Zachary was way in front of us, though, and waited patiently and hopefully for a chance to meet President Obama. Here you can see his brown-haired, craning head (on the left - he's wearing a white shirt) nervously waiting for his chance.

And then it happened!! President Obama reached out and grabbed Zachary's outstretched hand and shook it.

I, of course, didn't see this and didn't get a picture of it because I suck as a mother and miss all of the most important moments of Zachary's life and also because the crowd was surging like crazy and I had no vantage point at all. But that's okay. It happened and Zachary will always remember it.

It's the sort of thing where you tell yourself Yes, life sucked worse than an industrial-sized vacuum cleaner in Chengdu but then the glories of Tokyo were waiting for us and so now everything is perfect and unicorns are dancing and rainbows are singing and the world is a splendiferous place of gloriousness where the President of the United States shakes my child's hand.

So then President Obama continued down the room and we watched him greet the crowd for a while longer.

Look!!! It's President Obama's head and Zachary's head IN THE SAME PICTURE!!!!! Yes, it is lame that I am so excited about this. I agree. It's not even a good picture. BUT STILL.

And then Zachary came over to us, all excited, saying that he's met a sitting President of the United States and that the President had shaken his hand and that he was never going to wash that hand ever ever again.

And then President Obama and James sat down to laugh and share overseas security/military inside jokes while Ambassador/dress/trix Kennedy and I went shopping for cute shoes and got pedicures.

Okay, FINE. Maybe that last part didn't happen. But the day was still awesome!!!! And if you want, you can even click on the pictures and they will be even bigger and better and prettier! So you can see my the back of my child's head with even more clarity than the smaller pictures on the blog allow.

11/25/2013

Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House books were, quite frankly, my favorite books EVER. I love them so much that I read them to my boys over and over again while they were young, and I have even recently begun listening to them on my iPod.

The first one in the series is Little House in the Big Woods, and I just finished listening to it yesterday.

Pa, Mary (with her golden hair which everybody loved), and Laura (with her brown hair which she hated because it wasn't blonde). Could this have been the beginnings of my own hatred for my boring brown hair?

Growing up, I always daydreamed of living a pioneer's life just like Laura. I'm sure my desire for indoor plumbing and running water in the kitchen would trump that were I to try this sort of thing in real life now as a grownup, but still. And, listening to these books again now, I have to compare this Foreign Service lifestyle to just that sort of pioneering life. No, really.

We leave our home, wherever it is, because it's time to move. We go to a new place where we, more than likely, know not a single soul. Our family - the folks who travel with us over and over again - are our core sphere of those we care about. We will intermingle with the new place where we are, but still. We know, deep down inside, it's our family that's the important piece and the rest of it will come and go as we do.

Take our family. We moved to Tokyo. Sure, it's not the deserted fields of the midwest like where Laura moved (where you don't see a person for miles), but it might as well be. No, really. I don't speak the language - I cannot even say hello or goodbye in Japanese, so I pass folks outside but, really, it is as though I am alone but for my family. The four of us.

When I arrived in Tokyo, I had no clue what the hell I was going to feed my family, how I was going to get it, or how I was going to get it back to my house once I'd acquired it. Isn't that something like Ma Ingalls?

In the evenings, I stand in my kitchen and make whatever I can think of using whatever familiar-to-me raw materials I've gathered from around my environment. One place has chicken I recognize. Another place has fruit I recognize. I walk from place to place during the day, gathering the makings of meals, and walk home with them in order to fix them for the other people who matter so much to me. I will do what I can to make this temporary place a home. We will move on someday, though. Isn't that something like Ma Ingalls?

Anyway: Tokyo.

A girlfriend of mine asked if it was hard to be an expat in Tokyo because she'd heard the rumor that it is. Are you kidding me?! Whoever thinks it's hard to be an expat in Tokyo didn't start their overseas experience in Chengdu, China, is all I'm saying. NOTHING in Asia - NOTHING - could ever be a challenge after serving in mainland China. Tokyo is a cakewalk. You don't know a single word of Japanese? Doesn't matter. I have gotten along just fine without it.

Tokyo reminds me of a cross between Germany and Seattle. Germany because everything here in Tokyo is pristinely clean and very efficient and organized. And also, during evenings and weekends things close (like restaurants and stores). And there's a place for everything and everything is in its place. The cars are teensy tiny, the roads are teensy tiny, the living spaces are teensy tiny - to me, those parts feel like Germany. Well, and also we have nothing but German appliances in our apartment, so I'm sure that contributes to the Germany feeling. Oh, and they drive on the opposite side of the road here and have opposite-side-driver cars. And it's so expensive here you think you're going to go broke if you go out to eat or take a taxi anywhere. Or buy anything.

Seattle because downtown Tokyo is pretty much entirely on an incline. You walk uphill both ways, panting, no matter where you are headed. And also because there's so much foliage, even though it's downtown. And also because there is a sort of a coast-y kind of smell, even though you cannot see the water from where we live and work. And because there's seafood everywhere. See? Seattle. Except it's much, much, MUCH sunnier than Seattle here. Thank goodness. We never saw the sky or sun in Chengdu, so this is a nice change.

I don't even notice that Tokyo is Asian. Scoff if you like, but I'm dead serious. China is Asian in your face, up your nose, and down your throat. Tokyo is so polite. I almost apologizes for itself if you notice anything about it other than its peacefulness and cleanliness.

The two above pictures came from the same building, which is right smack in the middle of modern-looking buildings (office buildings and such) in downtown Tokyo. I think this is a religious worship center of some sort. Buddhist? Not sure - I can't read the signs. Since I don't speak a single word of Japanese.

In the market to steal some bicycles? I truly hope not, because SHAME ON YOU. But if you are, you could steal pretty much every bicycle in Tokyo. They aren't locked.

Brides in Tokyo wear the gamut. I've seen them wearing the traditional kimono, a fluffy white dress like in the US, and even - what would we call this? - the Scarlett O'Hara look? Either way, that pink dress probably cost more than James makes in a year. This place is EXPENSIVE.

The food here is to die for and the topic of another blog post.

But just in case you're in the mood for a hilarious comparison of China (Chengdu, in fact!) and Tokyo, written by none other than David Sedaris, an incredibly funny writer, you can read it here. It is SO right on!

11/22/2013

So, like, I told you guys already that I had to leave Georgetown pretty much at the drop of a hat and come to Tokyo, but I didn't really tell you why.

This is because, quite frankly, when I wrote that last blog post, the situation was still occurring and in flux, and since it all really really angered me, I felt like I should wait to blog about it until I could do so more objectively.

So.

Well, basically, back when we were in China some things SUCKED, but one thing went well, and that was Zachary's school. He LOVED his school there.

Then he came to Tokyo.

Now, before coming to Tokyo, we researched schools online. Just like everyone. And we chose one. Just like most people. Because you have to have this stuff in place before you arrive at post in October (way after school has started) because you want your 9th grade son to not miss a single day more of the school year than he already was going to be missing.

It didn't take us long to choose. We chose what I will refer to as "Sexy Website School" (SWS) because, well, their website was sexy. That and, in our defense, it really did look to be the best fit. Most of us end up having to blindly make a school choice before we get to post armed with only the website and a bit of other knowledge. Y'all know how it is.

So Zachary started at SWS and, from the first day, he hated it. Actually, that word deserves caps: he HATED it. There were problems all over the place and really, there's not much point in my getting into any of the specifics as to why. Just trust me: SWS wasn't a good fit. Now, Zachary LOVES school and LOVES learning and LOVES having friends at school, etc. So we just didn't see this coming, Zachary hating a school. But there it was. With James here in Tokyo (with no wife) and me back in DC.

As the school days went by, Zachary's school misery continued (and increased). Only... only... only the RSO shop here is super wicked crazy insane busy - far, far, FAR busier than anything that ever went down in Chengdu - and SWS is super far away from our home (and we don't have a car here), and James was finding that he didn't have the time to do everything: work a super busy and very demanding job, mess with the school issues, look for other schools in the meantime, go food shopping, cook meals, clean, do laundry, help with homework, etc. (It's Japan so household help wasn't happening.)

So one day it became obvious that SWS wasn't going to be able to be our school of choice. That Zachary was going to have to be withdrawn from school and that other schools were going to have to be looked at, etc. And so I left Georgetown, got on a plane, and came to Tokyo.

I met with the SWS administration and teachers when I got here. There was little that could be done to make the situation any better, but I knew that I had to try. Again, I'm not going to bandy specific complaints about the school around all over my blog, because that's tacky and no one cares anyway. Suffice it will to say that even with my meeting with SWS, the whole thing didn't work out and a few days after my arrival in Tokyo, I pulled Zachary out of school for good.

Which is when it all super mega hit the fan.

Now, back a few weeks ago - pretty much the day that Zachary had started at SWS - the school had sent the Embassy a bill for Zachary's tuition (for the full year) and the fees related to his enrollment. This is standard, I'm sure - sending the Embassy a bill for everything pretty much the very first day. But it's noteworthy to point out that the total for the full year tuition and all of the one-time fees was somewhere between $30,000 and $40,000. Just keep that big ol' number in the back of your mind.

Since Zachary had hated the school from the very first day, James had seen that huge bill for the whole year of tuition and proceeded to ask The Management/Money People at post to hold on to that bill and not immediately pay it. This is because my husband is brilliant and savvy. The Management/Money People sat on the bill as requested because they are awesome here.

A few school days later (Zachary actually attended SWS for fifteen school days total) and our family pulls Zachary out of school. So what happens next, ye bureaucratically-knowledgeable people who read my blog?

Indeed.

The money wars.

Almost exactly like a divorce, and I'm not kidding, except that there have been divorces far more amicable than this.

Upon receipt of our polite email withdrawing Zachary, SWS calls James. Calls James and tells him over the phone that they're confident that the huge $30,000-40,000 bill for the whole school year (that they previously mailed to the Embassy) has most likely already been paid. That the Embassy has most likely already cut the check. That the check is most likely already in the mail. And that, if the check is indeed already in the mail, that the school will cash the check and keep every penny. Which, SWS (correctly) points out, will keep Zachary from having any funding left over with which to switch schools this school year.

James is silent, though he already knows that that particular bill has not been paid. Since he had ASKED for it not to be paid.

Cue the Management People Being My Heroes Thing here. Because, quite frankly, a State kid at any post only has a certain pot of money with which to fund his or her education per school year, and if SWS got their hands on the whole pot of money (as they wanted), our family would be screwed.

The Management People call and email SWS. Because no one (other than SWS) could possibly think that SWS deserves to keep THE ENTIRE YEAR OF TUITION AND $8,000 IN FEES (again, between $30,000 and $40,000 total) for a child who only attended school for 15 school days.

The Management People sent SWS a fantastic email. Oh Sexy Website School, they began, we all are such good friends. Let us all be friendly friends who help each other in peace and harmony and friendship. Can we not see to it that you receive enough funding that you feel that you have been treated well whilst also ensuring that this child would have enough money left over with which he could switch schools?

And lo, it came to pass. It came to pass that SWS settled for less than the full year of tuition (I think they got about $10,000. For fifteen days of school).

It came to pass that Zachary and I have been able to find another school for him. He starts at this new school at a new semester mark in January.

It came to pass that I have been homeschooling Zachary during this whole back-and-forth with SWS, and I will continue to homeschool him until he starts at his new school in January.

And it came to pass that I have been exceedingly impressed with The Money People here, who have ensured that all is well that ends well and that Zachary could switch schools.

And it also came to pass that I had to snicker at SWS totally underestimating my husband.

O people. When will ye stop underestimating my husband? For though he is soft spoken, and is always laid back, and seems to be a harmless little fuzzball, he is super wicked brilliant, and when you try to match wits with him you will always lose. This goes about triple for you if you're trying to screw over his family.

If James hadn't interceded and made sure that the bill wasn't immediately paid, then Zachary wouldn't be able to switch schools this year and SWS would be permanently in possession of $30,000 - $40,000 dollars. If the Management People hadn't stepped in and interceded on our behalf regarding the charges, ditto. The whole thing, even now, still isn't completely resolved, and when I say that yanking a State kid out of one school and stuffing them into another mid year is much like a divorce, I'm not kidding. I pulled Zachary out almost three weeks ago and we are STILL negotiating back and forth with SWS and with the new school about this and that and money. Always money. Hopefully it will all be resolved before Zachary starts at his new school in January.

So that's the story. Tune in next time, when I talk about goodness only knows what. You never know with me. In the meantime, if you would like to read something insanely awesome, please go read my dear friend Donna's touching blog post (when she refers to Tokyo in it? Yeah, she's talking about me) discussing this incredible article that hit me so hard it has taken me more than a week to talk about it. Gripping. Painful. Astonishing. Breathtaking. Yes, James and I have our own story, much like the poor woman in the article (and Donna's poor Marine), though time has softened the edges... a bit.

11/12/2013

Last you heard, I was at Georgetown University in school and my guys (James and our sons Matthew and Zachary) had gone on to our new assignment - Tokyo - without me while I stayed behind in DC going to school.

Yeah.

Not quite sure how much detail to get into or what exactly to say, except to tell y'all that - though Georgetown was going incredibly well for me, life wasn't going too swimmingly for my guys in Tokyo. A couple of weeks ago, a certain thing or two (big things) were actually going so badly in Tokyo that I withdrew from my classes at Georgetown and literally got on the next plane bound for Tokyo so that I could be with my guys. Be a mom... be a wife... be there. Because I was badly needed.

My program at Georgetown graciously put me on an extended leave of absence, so that was extremely kind of them, but of course the money has been spent (tuition/apartment in DC) with nothing to show for it (except a string of W's on my transcript... sigh). And while I would do anything in the world for my family (of course, as my coming to Tokyo illustrates), I am waiting until the situation that forced me to drop everything in DC and scurry to Tokyo is fully resolved and until I am - how to put this - less unbelievably furious before I write anything about it that I cannot retract.

The interwebs. They last a long time.

The circumstances were such that I decided to leave for Tokyo on one day and then literally took off the next day at noon from Dulles. And what, pray tell, do y'all think I did that night? That night after deciding in the afternoon to leave the country the next day?

Like all good State wives who are imminently facing a Marine Ball for which they have NOTHING to wear (as all of my dress up clothes are packed and headed from Chengdu to Tokyo in our HHE and as my sudden arrival in Tokyo corresponded with the Marine Ball here)... I went shopping. At Tyson's Corner.

I had TWO HOURS to buy a dress, an undergarment to suck in my fat ("Spanx"), and a pair of heels before the mall closed and before I left for the airport at 8am the next morning.

TWO.

HOURS.

I went racing around Tyson's Corner like a crazy person. THANK GOD they have a Spanx store there or I don't know what I would have done. Looked like a cow in sequins and sported horrifying panty lines, I suppose.

[Note to you ladies out there: Thong underwear ALSO shows panty lines when you are wearing a clingy formal gown, just triangle thong-shape panty lines above your rear end. Which are also tacky. The more you know...]

I was still jetlagged the day of the Marine Ball, but I was happy that I got to attend. It was sort of tricky, as James was "working" the Ball and had to leave the house wayyyyyyy before I did. He and I really didn't have much of a chance to take pictures together this year like we have in previous years, so this motley set of photos will have to suffice for this year. Hey, at least I got to attend, right?

Zachary took this picture of me before I left for the Ball. Sparkly! It had, I don't know, sequins or beads or something. You can tell I'm not really a girly girl.

This Marine Ball was (duh) much bigger than our Balls back in Chengdu. The Ball here also didn't include (to my knowledge) even one single person who hated my guts. Can I just say how awesome a Ball is when there's no one there (to my knowledge) who hates your guts?? SPLENDID. Even though I pretty much didn't know a single soul other than James because I had just landed in Tokyo, being there with no one I knew but no one who hated me is FAR PREFERABLE to being there with some people I adore but also with people who hate me. And yes, someday I will write about the things that happened to us in Chengdu. You probably won't even believe half of them, they're that crazy awful.

Handsomest. Man. Alive.

The venue was beautiful. I'm not the kind of person who can set tables prettily but someone out there obviously is:

The tables even had little name placards for each of us, which was handy because then you don't have to worry about how you're not the cool kid and no one wants to sit next to you so where are you going to end up sitting?

Well, I'm sitting right here, obviously, since the little name card says I am. Whomever has to sit next to me obviously just lost life's lottery. SORRY FOR YA.

Well, to be fair, James had to sit on one side of me because we're married so that was in his vows and also because his name placard demanded this of him.

Haha, suckah, nowhere to hide!

I was scared that since he was "working" the Marine Ball that I wouldn't really get to see him much, since our first year in Chengdu he "worked" the Ball and while we might have danced together for a couple of minutes, that was pretty much it for the whole evening. But this year I got to see him a lot more than that, so I was happy!

One of James' coworkers kindly took this picture of us - yay!

My camera was behaving badly at the Ball and the lens wasn't really focusing and so just to make sure we ended up with SOMETHING, James and I took our very first "selfie" shot (or whatever it's called) with his iPhone.

And you know what I found out about a week too late?? That they make CROTCHLESS Spanx. How come no one ever told me?!? My dress was foofy and sequin-y but I might have been able to actually use the restroom during the Ball had I had a pair of those suckers. As it was, in my normal Spanx, I just suffered until I got home, Jane Austen-era style. The things we ladies do for beauty. Men have no such concerns, OBVIOUSLY.

08/26/2013

After flying out of Chengdu, Zachary and I were staying at my Mom & Dad's house in Florida. We had a ton of fun, and let me just say - we NEEDED that down time. It easily took one week for me to not feel so very ill (respiratory issues, etc.) from China's pollution, two weeks before I had some of my energy back (the pollution wears down your lungs and system, which makes you have no energy at all), three weeks before I felt like I was almost human again, and four weeks before I could have faced something like the move that I just went through.

While we were in Florida, we did a lot of Florida-ey things, of course...

We kayaked on a river...

We didn't get eaten by sharks in the ocean (here Zachary is with my Dad, who is a total wild man - see?)

And then, miracle of miracles, one evening we even got to see baby sea turtles emerge from their sandy nests on the beach and flap/scoop their way down to the water on their little brand-new-sea-turtle flippers.

Ohmygosh, you guys, they were SO SO CUTE!

Cute... and TINY! For comparison's sake, here's a baby sea turtle as it scoops its way by my foot. See how small it is? And also, yes I AM wearing toenail polish. Yes. I. Am. It's just that it's sort of clear and sparkly and that didn't come out in the picture.

Off and on, I've lived my whole life in Florida, and have still never had the privilege of seeing baby sea turtles hatching and going down to the water before. I've seen adult lady sea turtles laying their eggs in the sand, but never the babies hatching. It was a neat experience, and one that I wish James and Matthew could have shared. Alas, they were (and still are) both back in Chengdu, and they missed it.

Speaking of life back in Chengdu...

To say that it's been super crazy for James is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He went from basically zero to a thousand miles per hour (as it relates to leaving Chengdu and going to a new post) almost overnight. The stuff that most FS people have a YEAR to arrange and worry about he's had, you know, a week or two to do. Such as getting his orders, getting his orders fixed, getting his other orders (or whatever - it feels like there are about eleven billion sets of orders), worrying about paperwork for me going SMA, arranging packout, arranging the changes to packout, wrapping up things at work, wrapping up more things at work, writing an interim EER (you think normal EER season sucks? How about writing an interim EER IN ONE DAY?) for himself, filling out housing stuff for Tokyo, worrying about what needs to be done for dip visas for Tokyo, getting plane tickets so that he and Matthew can leave Chengdu (official travel arrangements - always super fun), going through the departure checklist for leaving post... you name it, he's had to do it in, you know, a week or two. And of course he's still doing his regular job, etc. BUSY TIMES.

MEANWHILE...

I left Florida last week and drove (by myself, in my ancient car with 185,000 miles) from Florida up to the Northern Virginia area so that I could move into my apartment.

Because I'm going SMA for a little while so I can go to school this semester at Georgetown, once James got his orders I was able to schedule (with the folks who have our worldy possessions in storage) a time to go to the official storage facility (I actually had to be there in order for them to access our stuff, so it's a good thing I'm going to school here in the NoVa area and not in, I don't know, California or something), and to pull what I needed for my apartment out of our stored goods.

Dealing with the moving/storage people was AWESOME because, quite frankly, they're not government and thus they're not mired down in bureaucracy. Once I had State's permission to go and retrieve some of my belongings (/sarcasm, since, you know, IT'S MY STUFF, YO), the storage folks were 100% on the ball and totally and completely responsive and AWESOME.

You guys, the storage facility is HUGE.

I can't even DESCRIBE the hugeness. These pictures don't do it justice.

So I traveled to a spot on the facility grounds where the storage people had pulled out all seven of James' and my crates of CRAP (we own too much crap, yo), and they had them all lined up so I could break into them.

Each crate is HUGE.

And each crate can hold a ton of stuff. They opened each crate and pulled out Every. Single. Thing. from each crate (this was their idea and not mine) so that I could go through each thing and figure out exactly what I wanted.

Pulling the stuff out of all the crates took no time at all as they had easily six or so folks there helping me. AWESOMENESS.

I got to the storage facility at 9:00 am, we unloaded the crates and sorted our stuff into what would go with me into my apartment here and what would get placed back into storage, they re-packed the crates with what I wasn't taking with me, and the whole entire thing was done by 10:15 am. It was INSANE how efficient, fast, and pleasant the whole thing was.

Then I went to my new apartment, signed my lease, and the movers showed up with my stuff around noon. Since then I've been buying, you know, stuff I didn't have (plates. Salt and pepper. Cups to drink out of. Ketchup...) and trying to get the apartment into some semblance of order.

So now I'm here, in my apartment, and Zachary flies up this evening. Tomorrow morning we will register him at the local high school, tomorrow afternoon I have my orientation for my program at Georgetown, and Wedesday morning IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG (my classes start). Tomorrow will be the first time I will have stepped foot on the campus, and the next morning I start classes. I have a very heavy load. We shall see what we shall see.

MEANWHILE, Matthew and James leave Chengdu this weekend. They will fly to Florida. After a little while, James will come up to DC and be with me and Zachary (while Zachary and I are both in school). Then a few weeks later James, Matthew, and Zachary will go on to Tokyo while I finish my semester here, and then I will go on to Tokyo.

08/13/2013

We ultimately got Tokyo and are thrilled. And while the journey of what we went through this past year has a happy ending, I think the story is definitely worth telling.

Bidding, for us, actually started more than a year ago. It started last August 1st, if I remember correctly, which is when the summer bid list first came out.

When the bid list came out, it was awfully pretty, but we knew that none of those overseas posts on that initial list were ever going to be ours. This is because James didn't have any bidding preference at all. He wasn't an AIP/PSP bidder, he wasn't a 5/8 bidder, and he was coming off of one overseas tour already. In DS Land, if you don't have preference bidding (as an AIP/PSP bidder or as a 5/8 bidder), you already most likely aren't going to get an overseas assignment. Let's just face reality. And once you toss in that you're ALREADY overseas, you're REALLY not going to get an overseas spot.

James and I knew that we were in for the long haul, because we still were hoping against hope that we could pull off a second, or back-to-back, overseas tour after Chengdu (the impossible). We also knew that, together with James not having any bidding preference, we were also in trouble because James' dates didn't match with almost anything ever offered on the bid list. You see, there was almost never anything on the bid list that matched James' dates for departure from Chengdu (around September). The dates for everything on the bid list always seemed to be either for the beginning of summer (June/July), or WAY out toward the end of the year, like November or December, or even that next January or February. Nothing matched in the September/October time period. Not even close. Which didn't help.

So, yeah. Between us trying to stay overseas after Chengdu, and James not having any bidding preference, and none of the spots on the bid list matching our dates, and us already being overseas, and our only being able to bid on places with high schools, and more than half of the jobs gone because James couldn't bid on the kind of position he had just done in Chengdu, we knew it was going to be nearly impossible to get anything. But James still had to bid and lobby, and so he did. Every two to three weeks James had to redo his entire bid list as things were given to other people at the panels, and then had to re-bid and re-lobby. Over and over and over again. Every two to three weeks.

Things went on like this from last August (2012) until this February (2013) or so. With James bidding and lobbying and then re-bidding and re-lobbying, over and over again, every two to three weeks. Seven months of it.

And during those seven or so months, the overseas jobs all went to AIP/PSP bidders and 5/8ths bidders, which was totally fine because I truly believe that those folks deserve the preference they get. No doubt about it. But as those people were given the preference they deserve (and there were a LOT of them!), the bid list dwindled and dwindled and dwindled, and the remaining things on the list were even further away from our dates of departure from Chengdu. Sure, there were still a few overseas things here and there on the list, but none of them even remotely matched with our dates. The whole thing was just a total mess.

So we started thinking hard about what the future most likely held for us, which was a domestic position. Also most likely - a domestic position in Washington DC.

It was at this time that I started dusting off my own ambitions. Because, I reasoned, if we were most likely going to be given a DC assignment (let's face reality), then I could go back to school! REAL school, not just school over the internet, for things that I found really exciting and that could maybe one day employ me and pay me money and give me something to do with my days since I suck (SUCK SUCK SUCK) at the whole EFM thing. SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK.

So in January/February I started the very long process of applying to the program at Georgetown that I was ultimately admitted to. At the time of application, it was literally something I never dreamed I would ever be given. You see, I am old and there are about a zillion people out there who are more intelligent than I am, and so applying to this program at Georgetown was basically like my buying a lottery ticket - fun to dream about but something I was certain I wouldn't end up getting.

Meanwhile, James was still tenaciously bidding on (and lobbying for!) only overseas jobs, since there were still a few here and there scattered about on the bid list. This was in February and then went into March or so.

I still remember the very last overseas job on the bid list that early spring - Dar es Salaam. It was March (I think? or April?) and Dar es Salaam was The. Very. Last. Overseas. Job. Kid you not. It was like the last helicopter out of Saigon for those of us who wanted an overseas assignment, and it was bid on accordingly. I think Dar es Salaam ended up with something like 28 bids on it AT GRADE before it was paneled...to someone other than James, of course, since you already know how this story ends.

The funny thing was that right about when we didn't get Dar - or any overseas assignment, for that matter - and it was obvious that we were going to end up going domestic (most likely to DC), that out of nowhere Georgetown emailed me and told me that I had been admitted. I literally started sobbing hysterically at 6:30am China time when I read the email, waking James from a sound sleep, and it was minutes until I could calm myself down enough to tell him why I was sobbing. The fact that someone somewhere thought that I had potential (and Georgetown, to boot!) after the years that I had spent begging State to notice that I was even alive was so emotionally overwhelming for me that I will never forget the feeling.

So.

The fact that all of the overseas assignments were then gone off the bidlist, coupled with my acceptance email to Georgetown, cinched the deal in our minds, and James went off to work that morning ready to bid voraciously for DC jobs and DC jobs only.

It was initially suggested to James (not by me, just thought I would note that) that he bid for

Tigerville.

Um, NO.

This is pretty much the best James could do were he to try his hand at being a Tiger. Just saying.

So James perused the bid list and settled on what we will now lovingly refer to as DCJob#1, and then he bid for it and lobbied for it, sending emails out about it hither and yon.

DCJob#1's folks seemed thrilled and wanted him, and James was thrilled to be wanted, and literally within, like, a day or two the deal was (informally) done and James was (informally) headed to DCJob#1. This is when I wrote this blog post, which is actually painful for me to go back and read. At that point, our path seemed so clear: I was going to Georgetown, James (informally) had a job in DC - I had even chosen a rental house in the Northern VA area and was busily working with a realtor to get the thing rented so we could be done with bidding and start getting everything in order to move our whole family to the DC area.

But since you already know how this story ends, you also already know that DCJob#1 didn't end up happening. I won't burden you with why or how DCJob#1 didn't happen (because it isn't important), except to say that it had nothing at all to do with James or anything about James or connected with James or concerning James. Totally independent of James-related issues, about six (or more?) weeks after it seemed like it was going to happen, DCJob#1 didn't.

I stopped the process of renting the house.

James went back to the bid list. Again he chose another job, which we shall lovingly call DCJob#2, and he bid on it and lobbied for it. Hard.

DCJob#2 decided to interview James over the phone. And during the interview, DCJob#2 asked James a question that, to this day, super duper ticks me off. It asked James to explain What was wrong with him that he didn't have an onward assignment yet.

Never mind that at that point James was still one of 130+ leftover summer bidders of his bidding class who were in the exact same position as he was and still didn't have onward assignments. James did what I thought was a great job of answering the question (This has been a very difficult bidding season / There are still more than 130+ summer bidders still who have yet to receive onward assignments / I spent seven or so months rolling the dice and trying to stay overseas, but wasn't successful / I had a DC assignment that I thought was going to happen, so for the last two months I haven't been actively re-bidding, but then it fell through), but I WAS MAD. SO MAD. I think this was probably the lowest of the low points for us that whole year of bidding - James literally having to explain over the phone during an interview WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE AN ONWARD ASSIGNMENT YET.

As you already know, DCJob#2 didn't happen. And in retrospect, of course I'm glad we have Tokyo instead. But anyway...

So James went back to the bid list, picked out DCJob#3, and started lobbying for it.

It was at this time that something strange occurred. Something we've never seen or heard of before. I can't imagine it happens very often (ever? Other than just this once?) in DS, but a large tranche of brand-new overseas positions was created, and it flowed out onto the NOW bid list (the summer bid list had long ago disappeared) like a tidal wave. Some of the places were absolutely fantastic. (Like, you know, TOKYO.) Plus...the AIP bidders had long been given assignments (so we were no longer competing with them), there were still some 5/8 bidders but not enough to claim ALL of the new overseas positions that had been created and released (we hoped), the new overseas assignments all fit James' dates perfectly - we felt like James might actually have a shot at something. But, of course, we couldn't be sure.

And also - what about Georgetown? I had already enrolled, chosen my fall class schedule - done everything but moved to DC.

We spent about a week talking, crying, agonizing. If James stopped going after DC jobs, it could well mean he would be bidding for MONTHS longer (and he did). It could well mean that he STILL wouldn't get an overseas job (thank God he actually did end up getting one, but I'm just saying). It was a huge risk for James to change course away from trying for DC jobs and try again (and again and again) for overseas jobs, especially with a wife who had already committed to Georgetown for the fall semester and a son needing to start 9th grade somewhere. But that's what he did. And it paid off. After another few more months of bidding, he got Tokyo. And we are so grateful.

But the aftermath is still messy, with James and Matthew still in Chengdu with no idea when they will be able to leave, and with Zachary and me in the States, moving on without them, both of us starting school soon, not knowing what the plans will be. We actually even had to pay $4,000 of our own money to buy us our own two tickets out of Chengdu, since State refused over and over to pay for us to leave. Maybe the money we paid for the tickets will be reimbursed someday, and maybe it won't. I'm still upset that State literally said it wouldn't pay for our tickets out of Chengdu because Zachary's and my reasons for leaving before James "weren't good enough." That's a direct quote out of the email denying us any way for State to pay for our tickets (and no, we were also denied the ability to sign a repayment agreement for the tickets). Glorious.

What a long, painful journey it has been, this last YEAR of bidding. And of course, we're not done with everything yet. I will head to Georgetown and attend the fall semester and then our family will go from there. Maybe that one semester will show me that I was meant to only be a stay-at-home wife and that I ought to take up cross stitching or quilting or something and shut up about wanting to be someone. And maybe that semester will show me that I LOVE studying and learning, and I will bounce back and forth to Georgetown while still trying to be a wife and mom.

Anyway.

The bid list just opened a couple of weeks ago for this year's summer bidders. I wish for them a journey that is smoother and shorter than ours was. I will say this: James' CDO was literally the most amazing person EVER. They should build a shrine for James' amazing CDO and have them teach "How to be a Kickass Awesome CDO" classes at FSI or something. Kid you not. They are Just. That. Awesome. As I've said before. And now, months later, I mean it even more. James' CDO's awesomeness only got more awesome with time. Talk about a kind, supportive, empathetic, responsive, personable CDO. If I could send them a platter of brownies or something without looking like a psycho crazy stalker I would. (I will refrain.) We just really hit the CDO jackpot this time around.

That and James also has an amazing Assignments Officer who goes above and beyond to do everything that can be done (and more!) to help us in our crazy situation. So yes, absolutely, ours has a happy ending, and absolutely Tokyo is better than anything we could have ever dreamed or hoped for. And now you know how we got it.

08/06/2013

After a year (A. YEAR.) of bidding, I am thrilled to announce that my husband has been officially HR paneled for the onward assignment we will be heading to after we leave Chengdu, China!!

TOKYO, JAPAN!!!!!!!

If you're DS, you will immediately recognize how CRAZY OFF THE CHARTS **YOU-HAVE-GOT-TO-BE-KIDDING-ME-INSANE** it is that we just got Tokyo as our ownard assignment. I mean, we're already overseas! So this gives us two back to back overseas tours! Without having gone to AIP! And without even doing a DC tour! (And with his wife getting her blog shut down over and over again!!) Because, thus far, James' career path has been: BSAC, Houston Field Office (1 year), Mandarin language training at FSI (1 year), Chengdu, China (2 years) and then a second overseas tour right after that.

This literally never ever happens, you guys. Ever. And Tokyo?? It's such an amazing assignment it's, like, even better than what DS AIP folks get coming out of AIP.

It is. Kid you not.

We actually were initially given the handshake for Tokyo almost two weeks ago. And James and I both decided that it was, like the .gif above says, just like a dream.

When James told me over the phone that he had just gotten a handshake to Tokyo? I literally started screaming. And I'm not a screamer, you guys.

We literally couldn't believe that it could possibly be real. Tokyo? TOKYO??? Like I said, AIP bidders with blackmail materials on high up folks who are also willing to sell their own body parts (and children) don't even get Tokyo. Even after the handshake, James kept waiting to get an email saying that the whole Tokyo thing was a mistake and that he'd actually been assigned to clean toilets at FLETC with his own toothbrush. We weren't going to tell anyone about Tokyo until he was HR paneled and officially given his TMOne for Tokyo. Until it was in writing. Signed, sealed, delivered. Only then, we said, would we tell people.

James was HR paneled today. So now it's official.

James FINALLY has an onward assignment!! And what an onward assignment it is...

I can FINALLY tell the whole entire year-long-bidding crazy story. But not today. Today is actually for the bottom line information. Sort of like I'm letting you read the very last page of the book before I start telling you the story. Today is for saying the big stuff, like: we got Tokyo.

There is other big news to share. Such as: I'm not going. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll go to Tokyo sometime, but I will not be going with James and the boys when they initially travel to Tokyo at the start of James' assignment.

I will be going SMA (apart from my family) and staying in the Washington DC area while attending Georgetown University. You see, Georgetown admitted me to a highly selective and very prestigious math/science/health sciences program (a kind of program where only twenty people total are admitted), and I will be starting in the fall. I just can't pass this opportunity up. I have actually known about this since last April, but chose not to blog about it for many reasons (will say more later). I did try foreshadowing, though, which is why I've blogged here and there about Calculus and how badly I suck at being an EFM. Just so people wouldn't be TOO terribly shocked when the whole Georgetown thing went down.

The last news item I have right now is that I have already left Chengdu and am already in the United States. Actually, my younger son, Zachary, is with me, also. I had to leave Chengdu earlier than James and Matthew in order to get things ready for me to go to Georgetown, and also so that we could cope with whatever came our way. James hadn't been paneled yet when I left and we knew that anything could happen.

I will explain everything - the bidding saga, the Georgetown saga, etc. - in the next blog post. But for now?

Circa fall 2011 - taken in a parking lot at Costco - James is pushing (in the rain, up an incline) a trolley filled with just a few of the consumables we purchased. I can tell you now just how much of that was already ruined the day it arrived here: LOTS. At least the pizza got eaten.

Back then, Consulate Chengdu had no CLO. Back then, there was no one we could turn to for consumables advice. And seeing as it was our first tour overseas, and seeing as that we'd never even been to China before, we were pretty much clueless. And thus totally SCREWED. But that didn't stop me from trying.

Little did I know that the consumables shipment itself would take literally months and months AND MONTHS to reach us in Chengdu. And that the contents of our shipment would get so hot that it would melt glass.

Read that again, you guys, for it is worth repeating. Our shipments got so hot that some of our GLASS? MELTED. Kid you not - my Auntie had long ago given me beautiful, delicate wine glasses that were made of hand-blown glass, and THEY MELTED in our shipment. Not all the way, but some. Enough to show us that our shipment? GOT REALLY REALLY HOT. Was it packed next to (or inside?) a ship's boiler room? Did it pass through the fiery gates of hell itself? We shall never know.

Anyway, upon arrival a whole lot of our stuff in our consumables shipment was already unusable. Raisins? Ruined. How the hell fruit that is already dried gets destroyed I have no idea, but there you have it. They were crystallized and wholly inedible. Microwave popcorn? Ruined. The oils used inside the bag were already rancid. Steel cut oats? Ruined. They overheated and were rancid, also. Nuts such as pecans and almonds? Rancid. Bagged sugar? Solidified.

Most of my canned goods (other than, notably, evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk, which were already spoiled on arrival) made it with flying colors. In contrast, items in jars (like salsa in jars or spaghetti sauce in jars) were already teetering on bad and didn't make it past another month or two. Organic ketchup was DOA, but normal Heinz ketchup made it. Hoity-toity designer mustard didn't make it... but regular yellow mustard did.

What did I do with all of my ruined items? I wish I could say that I was organized enough to just summarily toss the hell out of them the minute they got here and I realized they were unusable. Alas, I would be lying. Even at this moment, I still have all of those ruined items in my home. Maybe I am embarrassed to throw away what looks, on the outside, to be perfectly good food. Maybe I keep them around so I can wallow in my feelings of failure when I see them every day. Which I do. Many times.

Behold!!!

Mount Saint Raisins, for your viewing pleasure. All ruined. As of two years ago. All still in my house. Seven, eight, nine packages of them. Or more. Yes, we would have used that many raisins in two years had we been in the US. Don't judge me!

And like unto it...

Mount Saint Jar Salsa. Located conveniently in between Mount Saint Raisins on the right and Mount Saint Canned Water Chestnuts, on the left. The jar salsa was DOA when it hit Chengu, already spoiled. The canned water chestnuts? Brought them 'cause I thought I'd be making all manner of spinach dip for all manner of social events. Alas, China has no frozen spinach. And thus we have Mount Saint Sliced Water Chestnuts. You're judging me again. Stop that. And also - anyone want some canned tomato soup? WE HAVE PLENTY.

I think I've given you enough background at this point. Here's the list.

CONSUMABLES THAT WERE TOTAL EPIC FAIL:

Raisins, and any kind of dried fruit

Most anything in glass/plastic jars (other than jam and jelly, which did very well) such as glass jar salsa, glass jar pickles, plastic jar spaghetti sauce, and plastic jar honey (which, like CURDLED or something)

Stupid stuff I bought too much of and don't even use in the US. Why? WHY did I buy eleventy zillion cans of green beans, peas, and corn? I don't use them in the US, why did I think I would use them in China?

Quaker Instant Oatmeal in individual, flavored packets. Already ruined on arrival. And when I didn't throw them out like I should have, they sprouted a zillion pantry bugs that crawled through my house and made babies. Everywhere.

Steel cut oatmeal, even the stuff from Whole Foods packed in what looks like high end paint jars. DOA

Lipton Onion Soup mix (like for chips and dip). Because there's no sour cream in Chengdu.

Protein Powder for frozen fruit smoothies. Because there's no frozen fruit in Chengdu.

Canned evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk. All DOA

ALL nuts. ALL were DOA - rancid

Anything Velveeta. DOA in our consumables shipment. And even when we ordered from Amazon, didn't last long enough to get eaten. This includes blocks of Velveeta and Velveeta-based macaroni and cheese.

Bagged flour. If I had frozen it the minute I got it, it might have had a fighting chance. But I didn't have much freezer space, so it got rancid and also sprouted bugs.

Chef Boyardee in pop top cans. The same stuff in regular cans did great, but the small (lunch size?) pop top cans? FAIL.

Organic ketchup. Designer mustard. Both were DOA

Parmesan cheese. Yes, the stuff you can buy off the unrefrigerated shelf in the US. It was BROWN when it got here and reeked. Mega DOA

BBQ sauce. It might have lasted a few months after we got here, especially if stored in the fridge, but not long enough for us to use a whole lot of it, and my fridge is tiny. That included other sauces like teriyaki or whatever.

Microwave popcorn. Again, rancid oils.

Mayonnaise in any container type. Oh my soul, talk about RANCID.

____________________

Next time, I will offer you Consumables: EPIC WIN. Because there actually were some things that did well and impressed me.

James loves me. And our sons. And his job. But not having his picture taken. In 2011 he finished up over a year and half of training, and in the fall of 2011 we got to our first overseas post - Chengdu, China!

Mao says hi! Because Chengdu is one of the only cities in China with a Mao statue.

Flowers are like friends. Each one is unique. Each one is beautiful. They brighten up everything around them. And you can never have too many.