How To: Become A Saint

Title: Servant of God Officially, the title Servant of God refers to a person being researched for canonization, but in common usage it applies to any person who is pious in their beliefs. For example, this would include anybody at work in a missionary position (or role, whichever you prefer).

Step 2: Veneration

The Roman Curia (Congregation for the Causes of Saints at the Vatican, a panel of theologians and cardinals) evaluates the evidence. If they think you’ve got what it takes, they ask the pope to make a proclamation of your heroic virtue. At this point, you become a role model for Catholics everywhere.

Title (on approval): Venerable Once you pass this step, some especially supportive folks can print prayer cards about you so they can pray for you to intercede in a miracle or two.

Step 3: Beatification

Now the hard part: The Roman Curia seeks proof that you performed a miracle. Medical cures are the norm and they are, all things considered, the easiest and most common miracles to score, largely because they’re based on the “no other explanation” explanation. Pope Benedict XIV established the miracle cure criteria in the 18th century: In short, you need an unbiased acknowledgment that the disease or sickness existed in the first place, that it was serious or life-threatening, that no other known treatments worked, and that the miracle cure was both swift and permanent.

For example, in 2002 the Roman Curia acknowledged that a malignant tumor in the abdomen of a woman was healed when she placed a locket featuring a picture of Mother Teresa on her stomach.

Keep in mind: Good or amazing deeds do not by themselves constitute miracles. Believing you’ve given women a religious experience in the bedroom will probably not qualify as a miracle (but don’t let that preclude your future efforts). You could feed a nation of starving souls, but in order for that feat to qualify, you may need to convert the existing soil into wheat… and do it overnight. Committing your life to policies encouraging the planting of wheat, even when you succeed, is not considered miraculous by the Church. This might explain the dearth of politicians among the list of saints.

Title (on approval): Blessed You can fast-track this step by martyring yourself; this will mean choosing death over relinquishing your faith in God. The pope makes a declaration of your martyrdom and you become “blessed” without needing this miracle.

Step 4: Sainthood

This last step may seem simple enough, but it’s not the last step for nothing; the Vatican seeks proof of a second miracle, according to the same stringent guidelines. Having established that, in time you may be assigned some cause and become the patron saint of, well, whatever is left when your name comes up.

Title (on approval): Saint Although any recognized miracle will do, preference is given to posthumous miracles since the Church believes your work isn’t done simply because you’re dead. Therefore, if you die having failed to work a second miracle, relax — you’ve got plenty of time.

seeking sainthood

The Catholic Church has survived for almost 2,000 years despite itself. Its many leaders have been prophesying the end of the world for hundreds of years because the religion is based on a rather nebulously-timed final battle. This habit of constant reinvention favors your chances at sainthood. Who knows, the next mighty Papal Bull may dictate instantaneous sainthood for certain deeds.

There’s a lot of leeway here, despite what’s in the official books, so my advice is simple: Don’t give up. Every now and again, we all need a miracle.