Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Jobless & Gutless

Have you ever reached a point where your biggest roadblock is yourself?

Last week was my year anniversary of unemployment. I have been jobless for more than 365 days now.

During the past year, I have been offered jobs which didn't make sense (i.e. being a political reporter where I would be working 60 hours a week with no overtime and no health benefits and earn minimum wage). I have been offered jobs, only to have them taken away from me before I start (i.e. "we just found out from corporate that we can no longer fill this position. I'm so sorry."). I have gotten my hopes up and my spirits have been crashed down.

It doesn't help that I'm part of an industry where millions of college graduates and millions of older people with experience are hunting in the same territory. I was a newspaper reporter for four years. Finding a job in my profession is like winning the lottery. I won it once, right after graduating college, so why should I win it again?

And now I have the opportunity to use my time doing something big. Something I have been TRYING to do for a year now: write a book. But I always get in the way. I'm so terrified that my hard work is simply not going to be good enough, that I don't even bother trying anymore. Does that make sense? I'm so scared of rejection, I start to shake every time I attempt going back to this project. I have pages upon pages of ideas and complete paragraphs and outlines. But I can't seem to put it all together. I can't seem to complete everything I want to say, even though it's at the tip of my fingertips. I'm too scared it won't be perfect enough for me.

It sucks.

And it's funny because I just typed this entire post in less than five minutes. I was able to pour my heart out so quickly to you.

...why is it so easy for me to write on this blog and yet so difficult for me to write for myself?

66 comments:

I get this feeling sometimes, It's a whole lot easier to do things like writing for a blog because there is no pressure. I think you should try doing the same with your writing, try doing it for yourself, because you enjoy it, and if it gets published great, if not then it doesn't matter because you did it for you and it's great experience :) I hope you get out of your rut, I know it's hard.

I know exactly what you mean. I can post everyday on my blog but when I try to complete a book, or add to it, i fail. I think it is because when you write a blog you are, like, you said, pouring your heart out. But when you are trying to write book you arenworried about how it is going to finish and how it is going to come out, and if people willnlike it and whonis going to read it. You need to start by just writing. Clear your head and write like you would ramble on a blog post. Worry about putting it all together later.

book writing is no joke! if you want to make it easier for yourself then i suggest writing it like a blog. make a blog account that is private and just make posts every time you feel like expressing yourself. maybe typing into a blog post comes more natural for you than typing on a blank word document.

Have you started working on the book yet?? Or is it the starting that's the problem?? I would love to read your book because I know it would be amazing!! I've always dreamed about writing a book too... but I don't have any background in writing anything but still think it would be an amazing job!

wow! u want to write a book???? I will surely buy it coz i love ur way of narrating things...so charming and gaaaaaallllll u r funny!!!!! I always end up with a smile on my face whenever I read ur posts :).So go ahead with the idea of writing a book and am sure u will be successful!!!

Just fucking write. Just do it. Seriously. I could come up with some lame ass haiku-hyperbole shit that would melt your heart, but seriously, when it comes right down to it, maybe just someone saying "Just fucking write" is better. You're smart, funny as hell, and you've got a good head on your shoulders. You want to write, have no reason not to so JUST FUCKING WRITE. Love you.

Oh dear I have the same problem. I seem to always be making excuses or not following through or fearing the unknown. You gotta just sit down and do it & listen to your own advice. Trust me easier said then done. Tomorrow is a new day but maybe if you do a lil each day it won't feel so much like a anxious weight on your shoulders? I'm rooting for you. Believe in yourself Jen. =)

I'm sorry to hear that it's been a year now. I didn't know this work market for journalism was so hard to compete for. =/ I understand however how you would think your hard work won't pay off and you'll get rejected. But don't do it for people- do it for yourself. If you're really stuck on writing this book, then go for it, for your own personal satisfaction. Plus I'd buy it if you publish it. :)

I can hear ya *hugs*From my childhood on, I always wanted to write a book, I had so many ideas & was writing on a daily basis. But over the years I felt less & less self-confident & began to question everything I wrote to the point I gave up...So I don't have any good advice for you, I'm sorry :-( All I can say that I can absolutely relate & am hoping you'll find a solution!xo

Ugh... I'm a writer and journalist, too, and I question every day why I picked this industry. I've been in and out of work more times than I can count, so now I've ended up freelancing and working in corporate communications three days a week. Not exactly my dream, but it pays the bills (barely). I wish I could give you some insight to help you move on with the book, but I think I'd be just as paralyzed with such a huge project. Good luck!

I get this feeling frequently, and I have a job. I find it so much easier writing to an unknown audience then speaking with people who really "know" me. Good luck with your future endeavors, I'm sure you'll be just great. x

You should just go for it! Writing a book is a fab idea. You do just need to sit a write. Because I'm unemployed, I'm taking the time to do things I've always wanted to do. I know that I'll never have time off like this before. If you don't write at least a bit pf the book now, you'll regret it.

I've been out of work for almost a year now as well. I'm sort of at that point in my life (43 yrs old) that I want something better and meaningful as a profession, but don't really have much options for going back to school. I don't really want to get back into what I had been doing for 20 odd years, but I may not have a choice. It sucks, but that's what we have to deal with. Keep your spirits up!!

aw - sorry you feel that way Jennifer. The funny thing is I'm always moaning about being a reporter and so are my colleagues. Your post makes me think twice about taking it for granted. It is better than some of the other things I've done but the pay... well you know. Don't lose heart. I'm sure something will turn up soon .

I know how you feel,it totally sucks getting offers for things that don't seem to make sense to do. Keep up the hope and if you really want to write a book then do it, you are a great writer! I once got through a novel and had one chapter left to finish but all my work was lost on a disc! I never got back to it and regretted it,so you keep going forth. Good luck XOXO

You gotta believe in yourself girl. You're so right in that you are your biggest roadblock. Look at it from the other side - why do other people like your writing? Those should be starting points for why you should like your own writing.

you are not alone darling. the idea of putting yourself out there can be terrifying and sometimes that holds you back, but you just have to trust in your talent and believe that you can make things happen. you are ridiculously talented, you just have to believe it with all your might and make it your daily goal to write... you just can' put too much pressure...

http://laurenlanzaosias.blogspot.comit's my party and i'll be lazy if i want to...

OK so I'll read your post but not 38 comments (sorry) so if I repeat someone I'm not trying to steal. I think the reason blogging is easier is because we know our past, we know our present, and the future is only addressed in hopes and dreams and plans...no set ending. When it comes to writing the past and present are made up but have to work together, they have to make sense and they have to be interesting. The "future" is already the past when page one has been written because you already have an idea of how the story will end. Tell current stories is easy, making a path to a conclusion is work...which is why life itself it work. You're a talented writer and a passionate woman, and I'm sure there's a book inside of you and when the time is write you will set it free.

I do this with moving. I want to get the hell out of here but get so nervous and end up feeling the same way. You just have to do it, and once you see just a tiny bit of progress you begin to fall in love. It's like losing weight. It sucks at first, but once those first 5 lbs are off you're in love with your progress. You're one of the wittiest writers I've come across, I would buy 10 copies of whatever you write.

hang in there love. i know it's hard to find a job that's a good fit and pays well too! i know what you mean about finding jobs that don't have benefits, i'm having to do that just to get by right now. i know though that someone is going to snatch you up though - you are just so talented and a great writer. just imagine when you are writing that you are writing to us and don't hold back. i know you have that in you and so much more. hang in there and know that even with all of the time that has passed, there will still be opportunities that will come. xoxo.

I know how you feel. It is so difficult to feel like what you do is right and if you're happy about what you do then rejection is the biggest fear out there. But I'm also thinking that if I don't try I would never know. I think I would much rather regret trying than not trying. Not knowing anything is the worst. Just believe in yourself. Your blog is amazing and I have no doubt that your book will be too.

Hey Jennifer! I would definitely encourage you to try and swallow your fears and go for it. You are incredibly talented and only you can achieve what you want. Things are not handed to most people, and if you never give it a try then you will never know. I also like what Vanilla said. Try writing just for fun and don't put too much pressure on it...it's an experience you will always have and it's only your first try! Don't give up on your dreams although I know it's a lot easier said than done!

I know you can do it! You are the most brilliant writer I have come across on the internet. It helps to just write SOMETHING down, even if it sounds like drivel, just to get the juices flowing - this always helped me with my essays at university. You want each word you write to be perfect, but it doesn't happen like that when you want it to, so it's better to just stay strong and write *something* - you are going to be awesome!

First of all, you are going to write an amazing book. I know that for a fact.

I'm actually really excited for you. What's it going to be about? Could you....actually no, I demand you send me a signed copy when it's done! :).

...and remember, after I become really famous and then proceed to crash and burn quite horrendously...you get the first offer to write my biography!

I know the job market is pretty bad across the board. I've actually been looking into switching employers for a while now, but there's just so little out there. Oh well, maybe I'm better off...a new job might just cut into my blogging time :P.

I feel so sad for you about this situation it is just not fair that you are so talented and educated and have not got another job. I want this for you so much because I think who ever employs you would be so lucky to have you. I think it would be really cool for you to write the book and I definitely know you could do it. I understand how you feel though. Almost a year ago when I was close to dropping out of university many people told me that I was too scared of not achieveing high results that I didn't even want to try. I'm thinking of you, hoping for the best for you.

Not that I should really be giving advice on the matter because I don't have a completed novel lying around my apartment anywhere. Of course, I won't let that stop me.

I'd say just keep at it. Remember, Tolstoy, widely regarded as one of the greatest writers of all time rewrote Anna Karenina something like 11 times. It won't be perfect and what you want right away, but over time you'll get there. I'm sure of it.

I love that you went through and caught up on my past posts. You made me feel like a rockstar.I have an idea -- Let's stalk Gaga together. She surely couldn't resist the both of us. If you publish a book, I will be the first to buy it. Then, when you become famous, I can say, "I TOTALLY KNOW HER." Also, then you can help me become famous because the two of us deserve to be famous together.I think we are best friends now. <3

What shall we sing, my friends?In what shall we rejoice?There alone our song lives,Where our ancestors were born.On Earth, where they lived...I suffer here on Earth...He who gives life conceals

Men in a casket and in an ark....But shall I see them? Shall my eyes seeThe faces of my father and my mother?Can they offer me their song,Their words, which I search for?Here is no one,They have left us as orphans, here on Earth.

I love bloggers that can be downright honest with where they're at in the moment. I've been there .. I am there, where I end up being my own greatest obstacle.

Creating something, like your book - is a huge investment of your sense of self - if you can't be true to your writing, then why write? You want it to be perfect for you, but maybe it's the fear that the words that come out won't be as "perfect" as you "want"?

It is scary and frightening ... and immobilizing at the same time. I say "dive in" - while it's easier said than done, know that I'll be diving in at the same time, facing my fears too!