Drone Pilot Traumatizes Kids At Local Career Day

LAS VEGAS — Parents are concerned about the decision of Davis Elementary Principal Bruce Tanner’s controversial decision to invite an Air Force drone pilot to their local career day, sources tell Duffel Blog. Captain Steven “Widow-Maker” Johnson had offered to attend for the last several years, and was finally invited this year.

Complaints flooded in afterwards as terrified children told their parents the worst of what was said. Johnson began his presentation by apologizing for being late because “I got caught up with a wedding party at work.” He also showed students a “Pakistan – Greatest Hits” YouTube video, although a Windows update interrupted it after eight minutes.

Local third-grader Bobby Ross asked Johnson what his job was like. “Well Bobby, my job’s kinda like Jenga. You kids like Jenga? It’s pretty much like that, but I bring down entire buildings on people,” Johnson said.

Lt. Col. Steve Sawyer, Johnson’s commander, minimized the severity of the issue. “People want to blame this on combat stress or psychological issues, but I’m not buying it,” Sawyer said. “Look, it’s not like we’re one of those crazy front-line infantry units. We hang out in a trailer and play some games for a while, and we’re back at home by 1600 to the NFL Network and our Golden Retrievers.”

“Besides, I don’t think it’s even possible for my guys to get PTSD while they’re still in America, and I got my Psychology doctorate at a for-profit university.”

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