Monday, March 25, 2013

Things I've Said That Should Have Gotten Me Punched

Here's another collection of dumb things I've said. All of these probably should have resulted in a flurry of fists into my beautiful face. Luckily, to this day I have never been punched in the face. Here's some examples:

At a Collegiate
Football Game:

It’s a freaking football game! You’re cheering because an
actual person on the other team got hurt?
You’re all monsters! And so are
your moms for making you!

After a Very Nice
Older Gentleman Bought Me a Milkshake After I Misunderstood His Attention:

I’m sorry, sir. I
thank you for the milkshake and I’m sorry I’m not gay for you.

To a Guy at a Party:

Well, she didn’t tell me she was your girlfriend unless she
whispered it into my mouth.

To an Idiot Who Asked
Me For a Cigarette After He Made Fun of My Shirt:

No, thanks. I don’t
smoke. I don’t eat my own crap either.

In High School, After
Some Roided Up Moron Pushed Me In the Hallway:

I would fight you but I just washed my hands and I don’t
know where you’ve been.

At a Comedy Show Where
Some Jock Heckled Me:

Please. Tell me more
about your Business degree. I wasn’t
sure how superficial you are.

To a Companion On My
Mission Who Got Mad at Me:

Say one more dumb thing to me and I’ll punt you back to
Eastern Europe.

To a Security Guard at
a Beastie Boys Concert Who Ejected Me By Twisting My Arm and Nipple:

Thanks, Big Guy. If
you want to twist my other nipple later, I’ll be at the Holiday Inn. Room
number 1-0-Go-to-Hell.

To the Guy Who Tried
to Fight Me at Subway:

I’m going to sit down now.
Your sub is so much bigger than mine and I feel like this whole fight
would just be about our sandwich envy.