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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Return of Son of Underwear Bomber: The Terrible, Horrible Truth

G.W. Bush models earlier version of exploding codpiece, designed to destroy US secrets in the event of penetration of the presidential underwear by enemy agents. The same basic design, greatly enlarged and with minor modifications, was used in the recent "Underwear Bomber II" attack.

The Guardian has revealed that Underwear Bomber II, who was about to blow up a passenger jet with an undetectable explosive codpiece when he was somehow detected, was actually a CIA agent.

Based on a number of interviews with those involved (zero is a number, right?) and my expertise as a Ph.D. Arabist and terror expert, I can tell you pretty much what happened.

Underwear Bomber II - let's call him Kharah Ibnulkilab - was a CIA agent provocateur. His controller at Langley handed him fifty thousand dollars in cash and sent him to Yemen, with the promise of another fifty thousand if he could create a Return-of-Son-of-Underwear-Bomber incident to help keep the phony War on Terror going.

Kharah arrived in Yemen and started going to mosques and waving around fistfuls of cash. "All of this, plus a bevy of heavenly virgins, will be yours if you promise to wire some explosives to your testicles and detonate them on an airplane," he inveighed.

After he was 86ed from seventeen mosques, beaten up eleven times, robbed twice, and laughed out of thirteen of Yemen's eighteen provinces, Kharah finally took his third wad of CIA-furnished, US-taxpayer-supplied hundred dollar bills back to CIA headquarters. "Couldn't you guys just build the bomb? Then I'll turn it in and say I got it from al-Qaeda."

So thanks to the new inter-agency cooperation protocol established by the Patriot Act, an FBI terrorist-bomb-construction team was sent to Yemen to create a detection-proof exploding codpiece.

When Kharah was handed the exploding codpiece at FBI headquarters in Sana, he almost exploded. "You want me to wear THAT?"

The FBI codpiece-maker responded: "We have to scare people, right?"

"Scare them?! They'll be laughing so hard THEY'LL explode! I mean, you call THIS undetectable?! Why did you have to make it so big? How the hell is that thing going to fit into my underwear?"

"Look, we had to include enough plastique to make a big bang. And we had to include a detonator. That was a big problem with Underwear Bomber I - we sent him with no detonator, and the conspiracy theorists figured it out. So this time we decided to do the job right."

"But how can I possibly get through security wearing THAT?"

The FBI codpiece expert groaned. "You're not SUPPOSED to get through security. Do you think we'd let our own agent get on a plane with a bomb that could actually explode? I mean, what if you scratched your nuts or something and it went off?"

"So I'm supposed to be apprehended at the airport before I get on the plane?"

"I am wearing a brand-new special-model undetectable al-Qaeda™ exploding codpiece! Death to the infidels!" he screamed.

Three ordinary-looking Americans standing in the security checkpoint line suddenly jumped on Kharah, wrestled him to the ground, and started stripping off his pants yelling "Freeze! We're the CIA!" and whispering into Kharah's ear "pretend to fight back so we can beat you up!"

Four passengers fainted, and one elderly woman suffered a minor heart attack. Five more casualties of the war that won't end in our lifetimes.

After the CIA had dragged Kharah off to an undisclosed location, recovered the codpiece, apologized for breaking his arm, paid him his $50,000, and sent him on his way, they were faced with a problem: How to write the press release.

"We have a beautifully-crafted codpiece. We have an attempted crime. We have plenty of witnesses. But we don't have a perp!" fumed the Sana Station Chief.

"Couldn't we just bring in some retarded guy and waterboard him until he's internalized our script?" asked Agent #1.

"We already used that one on Abu Zubeyda and KSM," the Station Chief snarled. "If we try it again, and get caught, it could blow the 9/11 cover story. After all, the witnesses might…"

"I've got it!" said Agent #2 brightly. "We admit that our guy was CIA, but we'll say he infiltrated an al-Qaeda cell and THEY built the codpiece!"

"But what if the true story gets out? We'll end up getting that codpiece returned to us, right up the --"

"The story will never get out," said the Station Chief.

"What are we going to do, terminate Kharah?"

"Won't be necessary. We'll just give the whole story, exactly as it really happened, to a professional conspiracy theorist. He publishes it. His audience more or less believes it. The gatekeepers write it off as paranoid fiction. That way everybody's happy."

Absolutely Awesome!! For the benefit of non-Arabic speakers, "Kharah Ibnulkilab" literally means "Faeces the son of Dogs". Probably one of the worst Arabic curse phrases one can devise, and a description very befitting of this guy and his CIA gang of criminals.

I will be presenting a program connecting the dots from the JFK assassination through 9-11-2001 with film clips and discussions in Northampton, MA this June. I hope by next year and the 50th anniversary of the JFK murder and coup d'etat of the US government, the connection to absurdity and corruption will be too much to ignore for we, the people.. This following link to an issue of FN in part covers this.. flybynews.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/apocalypse-and-lifting-of-veil-jfk-9-11/

even if that Nigerian underpants terrorist had outwitted the CIA and blown the plane to bits over the North Atlantic, Mohammed Atta's twin brother would have been fingered as the culprit, his intact and dry passport having been retrieved by FBI agents from a depth of 20,000 feet at the ocean floor. From there, it would be a (very) few short steps to all of being subjected to body-cavity searches while the world is made safe for new Middle East wars.

About Me

I'm the author of Questioning the War on Terror: A Primer for Obama Voters; Truth Jihad; A Guide to Mysterious San Francisco; and editor of 9/11 and American Empire v.2, and have taught Arabic, Islamic Studies, French, American Civilization and others subjects. Widely regarded as the world's leading Muslim 9/11 truth activist (for what that's worth) I spent 2006-2008 as the only talk show host featured on all three leading patriot radio networks (GCN, RBN, and WTPRN). I ran for Congress in Wisconsin's 3rd District in 2008: http://www.barrettforcongress.us
Currently I'm working on a couple of book projects...