GOP Candidates Unite Against Carbon Fiber Bicycles

According to Rubio, it all began one sunny Florida day. ” My driver, my publisher, my aesthetician and I were rolling through Miami behind a group of these liberal bikers and although we’d been honking and yelling for minutes they simply wouldn’t move onto the sidewalk. I had no choice but to order my driver to put them into the curb. Carbon has allowed the bicycles to be much lighter and faster. Those bikers feel empowered and they’re trying to use the whole damn road. Roads were made for cars! In order to make the roads safe for cars I see no other choice than to ban carbon fiber bicycles.”

At a town hall meeting in Iowa, Donald Trump addressed the subject as well. “I invented the biggest bike race in the history of the galaxy, The Tour de Trump. It was the most creative name ever attached to a bike race and it would have grown if it weren’t for carbon fiber. In 1989 and 1990 the race was run on steel bikes but shortly there after, this country elected Bill Clinton and carbon fiber bicycles started showing up everywhere. Donald Trump is going to make America great and the last time America was great was when bicycles were made out of steel.”

Ted Cruz weighed in while campaigning in Rock Rapids Iowa. “I rarely have an original idea. In fact, I had one several months ago and actually thought I was schizophrenic. I heard the other GOPers discussing banning carbon bikes and I fully support them. My data clearly shows that people do not like me. There isn’t any reason not to support this important initiative. In my home country of Canada, people cannot afford carbon because they spend all of their money on Moosehead beer and jelly donuts. Americans have too much disposable income because the Democrats have been cutting taxes for the working class and now they can afford those things in America. When Ted Cruz is President we will re-energize the economy but drastically increasing tax breaks for the top 1%. This is a proven strategy to promote growth through that trickle down economics thingy I heard about on Fox News. I think taking away carbon fiber bicycles from all but the people who earn 500K or more annually is a great start.”

Mike Huckabee who continues to pander to the batshit crazy crowd had this to say, “Carbon fiber goes right through a metal detector. Steel would set it off. ISIS is taking these bicycles and breaking the tubes off. Then they sharpen them by rubbing them super fast on the concrete until they are really pointy. These weapons of mass destruction can easily pass through security and right onto a commercial aircraft where they can be used to hijack a plane. Frankly there are only 2 ways to stop this. The first one is God. However he has been really busy lately trying to keep Gays from getting married. The only true viable solution is to allow good Christian Conservatives to carry their guns onboard planes. If all of the good guys had guns, they could easily shoot and kill a terrorist with a pointy carbon stick and that is how you keep America safe.

Chris Christie was noticeably silent on the issue simply releasing a statement, “I think from looking at me it’s pretty evident that I am against any form of exercise”

In another break from mainstream GOP, Jeb Bush had this to say, “After 9/11, my brother rode bikes with Lance Armstrong. Lance won the Tour de France 7 times on a carbon fiber bicycle and my brother made America safe from any other terrorist attacks. Clearly carbon fiber had a lot to do with keeping Americans safe from terror.”

With the Iowa Caucus just a few weeks away, it will be fascinating to see who can bastardize this idea into a platform that can propel them all the way to White House.

Editor’s Note: The events described in this article didn’t happen but probably could, but not yet. The words attributed to various candidates in this article are similarly a work of fiction, though they too, could potentially at some point be factually accurate.