Illumination 12 – Carl Rosier Jones

‘Illumination’ is a new series that explores the relationship between mental illness and creativity. I’m interviewing people engaged in art, music, theatre and many more creative avenues and inviting them to open up about their mental wellbeing and the way their struggles with mental health may inform their work.

If any of the issues discussed in this interview affect you, there are lots of online resources that can help. Visit Mindor the Mental Health Foundation for more information. Alternatively, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 at any time of the day or night.

Words by Carl Rosier Jones, as told to Harriet Williamson.

I’m a serving Detective, and my creative side comes from my writing. Back in 2011, I was shot at 6 times whilst at work. I managed to bury it for 3 years, but since 2014 I have been diagnosed as suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

My drive to help others in a similar position has inspired me write about my experiences, and I’ve published a book called “The Caveman Principles” which explores how to understand and deal with stress.

PTSD is a condition that can catch anyone out, regardless of their profession or mental strength. As everyone is been brought up in a different way with different life experiences, the way we react to life events can vary greatly from person to person.

PTSD normally happens when someone has experienced a life-changing experience (normally it is a life-threatening one because it makes us think we are no longer safe). For me I was doing my job and making what I thought was a straightforward arrest but the man pulled out a gun and shot at me 6 times. I was not expecting that!

My PTSD is linked to this incident, and every time I see a gun used in the commission of a criminal offence, my PTSD asserts itself. Guns as a rule do not bother me, seeing them in the hands of military or police officers is fine, but add the criminal element and I go to pieces.

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It might be good to explain how PTSD affects me (everyone has slightly different ways symptoms). When my PTSD is triggered (even writing this is causing me some discomfort), it hits me in the chest first. It starts like an ice cold drop then it quickly spreads and spreads, and once I feel this there is nothing I can do.

I lose concentration, stumbling over words and unable to focus. I’m forgetful and unable to hold a complex conversation. My stomach starts churning, getting more and more upset and very loud. The shakes come in like waves, gentle tremors until my hands need to be sat on. These are just some of the obvious physical ones, but no one can see the things going on in the mind. I have traumatic flashbacks to the (or an associated) incident. I get a feeling of not being in my own body and of numbness.

All of this is exhausting and after an attack, I’m wiped out and have nothing left in the tank. Over the last few years, I’ve seen my alcohol consumption increase, I’ve had no interest in looking after myself, with no control of any food intake and no interest in personal fitness.

Most of the time sufferers don’t want to own up to our condition, and we get deluded about what’s happening to our bodies and minds. Ignoring the issue means that we don’t have to deal with the trauma, and that’s a very human response – to hope that something will go away if we ignore it.

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I’d been like a zombie, ignoring the issue and believing there was nothing wrong. PTSD sufferers are normally strong-willed individuals who would never want to show any weakness. This is why military and front line emergency services professionals try to hide or ignore it for fear of ruining careers.

After a few emotional breakdowns I had to take action, admit to myself that I was not ‘alright’ and tell people about it. That was the scary part, managers saying: “I don’t get it” helped like a punch in the gut. These first few steps were the hardest and most upsetting.

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I needed to understand the condition so I looked, researched and trained in a few therapies; CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) and a few others, but in my opinion they were a ‘one size fits all’ solution and did not work for me.

With my PTSD, if I try to control everything, it only makes the condition worse. I had to make myself relax about it, accept help and take a less operational role so I could get my mind back. I tried counselling but everyone wanted to use CBT, and I’d already found out that it didn’t work for me. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) and re-living techniques all failed as well.

I’m still working through things but I know now that I need to take time for myself and try to avoid my triggers. As a Detective it can be hard, but who said life was easy?

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There are good days where I can focus and write and others when all I want to do is ‘other’ things. The ability to lose yourself in doing nothing for an entire day is part of the condition.

Because of the person I am, everything that I’ve learnt and experienced I want to use to help others. I wanted to find a way to explain and guide people when they needed it. I knew from my own experience what I needed and when I couldn’t find it. So I decided to plug the gap, by writing my own book to help others. The Caveman Principles are simple, straightforward and use characters and metaphors to get the message over, without it being preachy or heavy. Reading it shouldn’t be a chore, and I’ve purposely included humour and left out any ‘big words’.

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I’m very lucky that I’ve been able to fit in writing my book and running a personal business around my work, by working shifts and only accepting commitments for my business when I’m free. If I’m honest, without writing the book and being booked to speak at seminars and events, I don’t think I’d be as far along the road to recovery as I am.

Speaking is my biggest passion and being able to tell my story, letting people know that PTSD and trauma aren’t so bad and asking them to accept it as part of everyday life is really rewarding. I introduce my Caveman Principles and market myself as the Caveman Speaker, which brings a smile to everyone’s face and ensures that they don’t forget me or my message.

Don’t fight it and never ignore it. If you do managed to accept PTSD, make sure that you can stand in the mirror, looking at yourself and see a smile.