Latest revision as of 04:55, December 2, 2012

Virgin Beach, Virginia (AP) - Recent intelligence gathered by the FBI and CIA suggests that well known television personality and Satanist Pat Robertson is planning to attack the United States sometime in 2007, possibly using nuclear weapons."Satan didn't say it would be nuclear but I do believe it will be something like that" Robertson told his followers in a message intercepted by US intelligence agents.

Robertson, who claims he receives directions directly from Satan, is the leader of the notorious 666 Club, an extremist religious group devoted to devil worshipping. Robertson has been blamed for many terrorist attacks in the past including sabotaging the American election in 2004 to give George W. Bush the victory, causing Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon to have a stroke as punishment for giving land to the Palestinians, and flooding New England. He was also responsible for installing Satanist judges on the Supreme Court.

Robertson had once ran for president back in 1988 but was marginilized due to his extreme views. His views included support for slavery, prohibition against premarital sex, and capital punishment against homosexuals. He did receive several endorsments though, one from the KKK and the other from Jerry Falwell's Immoral Majority.

The CIA and FBI believe that Robertson and his team of Satanists plan to attack a large Americancity some time after September. Possible cities slated for attack include New York and San Francisco due to their high concentration of liberals. Possible methods of attack include setting off a small nuclear device on Castro Street in San Francisco or the use of suicide bombers in Times Square during rush hour. George W. Bush downplayed the threat, calling Robertson a good man who made a few bad decisions in the past. He believes that the intelligence gathered by the CIA is just liberal propaganda and has since lowered the Terror Alert Level to Pink, meaning no threat at all. Democrats have harshly criticised Bush's response to this serious threat but Bush proceeded to label the Democrats as radical liberals and most major news networks have accepted the President's decision that Robertson's group is not a major threat.