Joke of the Day

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The Tug Toner - YouTube
The Tug Toner - YouTube...

So Achmed the suicide bomber got to heaven and Allah showed him a door and said "Inside that room are the 70 virgins you were promised". Achmed was beyond himself with joy and quickly opened the door and entered the room thinking that he would score. The only scoring it turns out was done by the guys in the big LAN-party playing Counter Strike.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts
flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

A wealthy rancher was returning from inspecting his cattle on the northern range. He returned to find that his ranch house had been burnt to the ground, all his livestock dead, his wife had been raped and killed...and when the sheriff came to inspect everything, he said that it looked like the work of "Black Bart."

He asked who that was. The sheriff explained he was this huge man, about 6' 8", huge, rippling muscles from head to toe, wearing all black and riding a black horse.

The rancher decided he was going to find Black Bart and he was going to make sure that he didn't do anything like that again.

So...he rode his horse into town and went into the saloon. He asked if anyone had seen Black Bart. One man in the corner spoke up and said that he had been in there about 2 hours ago, and when he left he noticed he was riding east.

The rancher got onto his horse and rode east about an hour until he came into the next town. He went into the saloon and asked the same question. Again, one guy at the bar says that he had been there but had left, and he noticed that he left town riding south.

The rancher gets onto his horse and rides south about 30 minutes until he rides into the next town. He again asks the question, and again one guy playing poker speaks up and says that he was there but had left, and he noticed that he was riding his horse towards the west.

The rancher gets onto his horse and rides west for about 15 minutes until he comes into the next town. He goes into the saloon and he asks if anybody has seen Black Bart, and one guy playing the piano says that he had been there but had already left, and when he left he saw him riding towards the north.

The rancher gets onto his horse and rides north. He goes only about 5 miles when he rides into another town. He goes into the saloon and asks the question about Black Bart. One guy says that he was just here and believes he went to the saloon across the street.

The rancher goes across the street, and when he walks into the saloon he sees this giant of a man sitting playing poker. He is very rough looking with scars on his face and has a very mean, spiteful look on his face.

The rancher comes up to the man and says..."Are you Black Bart?"

He answers, "Yeah...I am."

The rancher says, "Did you rape and kill my wife?"

Black Bart answers, "Yeah."

The rancher asks, "Did you kill all my livestock?"

He again answers, "Yeah."

The rancher asks, "Did you burn down my ranch house too?"

Black Bart stands up, towering over the rancher. He has beady, mean looking eyes, and in a very low, mean voice, he responds,

"Yeah...what about it?"

The rancher looks up at the large, mean looking man, who is twice his size and is standing ready to draw his guns.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Boudreaux still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Boudreaux went over to him and said, 'Ain't it 'bout time ya let the Catholics across?'

_______________________

Devereaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Landry. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Betty Lou.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Devereaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Devereaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Betty Lou staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Devereaux said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Betty Lou said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.