Thursday, 1 November 2007

UAE Car Crash Nationality Chart

If you’re tempted to have a car crash, then do keep this handy chart so that you know where you’re likely to stand.

Khaleeji

Brit

Aussie/South African

Yank

Other Euro

French

Korean

Japanese

Lebanese/Jordanian

Syrian

Iraqi

Egyptian

Palestinian

Other Arab

Sudanese

Philipina

Philipino

Indian

Pakistani

Chinese

Nepalese

Bangladeshi

Pathan

Tibetan

Afghan

Notes

Does not take into account relative status ie: British shop assistant vs Chinese Ambassador. This complicates things, obviously.

Does not take into account ethnic origin. So, for instance, South African passport holder of Goan extraction tends to confuse things a little. Nobody’s fooled by a Lebanese name holding a Canadian passport, so it’s probably best not to try.

Does not take into account linguistic ability. If you’re able to speak Arabic, move yourself up a couple of notches.

Does not take recent world events into account. If you’re Pakistani and you’ve just lost to Ireland in the cricket then you’ll probably move up on the sympathy vote.

Does not take personality into account. Move down three notches if you’re an argumentative, arrogant twat. It’s OK, you’ll still be just ahead of the rest of Europe.

Does not take the facts of what happened into account. However, this doesn’t really matter as a) the other person will lie outrageously, b) the copper will in all likelihood refuse to understand the blindingly obvious evidence burnt into the tarmac in front of him and c) nobody really wants the inconvenience of prolonging the whole sorry episode and if you get all dogmatic you’ll just end up down at the cop shop being told you’ll have to lodge a civil suit.

Does not take alcohol into account. You really don’t want to have had a couple of sundowners before this happened. Go to the bottom of the pile instantly and get mentally prepared to dine on biryani.

If your country of origin is not listed above, use the country nearest to yours.

2 comments:

anon- It's a sort of road-accident wasta-o-meter. Regardless of who is actually at fault, the nationality with the lowest Number ranking (EG Khaleeji =1) will be found NOT AT FAULT the accident participant with the highest ranking number will be placed at fault.

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I write books, I consult on publishing, media and digital communications, I cook. I spend quite a lot of my time laughing and do try not to be a stick-waving, spittle-flecked angry old man. I fail in this occasionally.