Plum

61. Henceforth, the powdering of the wigs– or “The Blighting” in the Irish–shall be done by the lord’s second steward. Should this steward find himself disposed, a suitable wench from the local kitchen shall be allowed access to the bonedust provided she does not look upon the wizard and his horrors during the powdering of the wigs (or “The Whitenoozling” in the Australian).

62. Should her gaze catch the wizard’s she shall face trial by burial, the outcome of which will be determined by the direction of flight of the next pennysparrow. Northbound–guilty–and southbound–innocent–as it has been since the Bird Earl slew the wind. Innocence will be rewarded in the common way with no more than one ham hock provided to the girl’s master adorned with a crimson ribbon.

63. A batsman given to the smoking of tobacco leaf shall find himself a corgi he will affix with an ashtray and train to run beneath his feet in the event of a knock. Any ash falling on the pitch shall result in trial by burial with the innocence apologized for with the knighthood of the beast and the rewarding of a hamock, as is the common way.

64. In games played in the Mother Britain, the reigning Monarch has the right to change game at His or Her discretion with a cry of, “Fancy!” followed by the activity of His or Her divine inspiration.

65. Should the Monarch select a game without scorekeeping–such as the time Rupert the 4th is said to have shouted “Fancy! Love!” and begun the Epoch of Warm Feelings–play shall continue until all of those graced with the sovereign’s voice fall dead or egregiously chafed.

66. All the world’s indigo shall be required. Not for the game, but for the glory of the crown and her just and righteous peoples.

67. There shall be a pit. The diameter of the pit shall not exceed two haymongers placed end to end no matter the length of the local haymongers nor the quality of their goods. Should the pit colonize the site of an old trial by burial, the girl’s skeleton shall give chase in the comedic fashion back and forth across the field as the crowd guffaws at the addition of various comedic interlopers–bobbies and nude lasses and old men and the like–until throats grow hoarse and the skeleton grows sorrowful. The music shall continue as a reminder of the skeleton’s dry weeping.

68. There shall be a hill. This made with the leavings of the pit as each shall rise and fall in kind with a shovelful of one becoming a shovelful of the other. In this way local ragamuffins might learn both hardwork and chastity as no player who sets foot in the pit may take a wife until he hits the ball into the pit and defeats the leprachaun placed a top the hill and protecting the bride’s golden dowry.

69. For want of a leprachaun, a ragamuffin slow to the lessons of the pit shall suffice though his hair shall be dyed red and his breath made to smell of silver polish. This child may elope with the bride but only if the wizard burns a lock of her hair in a fire and divines their Lust.

70. For want of warmth, players are allowed to exchange their jerseys for topcoats and hats though the game shall otherwise proceed unabated until passing gentleman, seeing what they believe to be a masque, approach the pitch and, upon calling out what ho, begin to waltz until such time as a lady’s foot knocks over the wicket. She will be declared both man of the match and belle of the ball then carried from the grass and sacrificed to the pit for the preservation of her honor. Her lord shall be given a crimson ribbon but no ham as he will be plum full of honor.