Anticipation.

24 hours from now, I will have my answer. I’m not sure what the true statistics are, but I’m going into it assuming 50/50.

However, right now…I am pregnant. I’ve been sick all day, and cramps I had yesterday are subsiding. I know that this could all just be my body not willing to give up on what is more than likely a blighted ovum. I know that…and it makes me sad. But, knowing my body isn’t willing to give up so easily makes me happy.

Today I am pregnant.

I’ve spent a lot of the past few days reading around at www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com. Many women have been diagnosed with a blighted ovum, only to see a baby weeks later. It’s given me hope when I really thought there was none. I hate and love hope all at once. However, there are plenty of women on their message boards, like I have been….hoping to be one of the miracles, only to be one of the lost. I’ve accepted that I could be one of the lost. I’m at peace with that.

If you know me, you know I’m not a big believer in God. Therefore I haven’t spent much time praying. Instead, I’ve been subconsciously talking to my body. I know that whatever happens, is happening for a reason. There is no “big plan” for why this is happening. Either everything came together to make a baby, or it didn’t. You can bet your ass though, I’ve been telling my body that YOU CAN DO THIS…and GROW BABY GROW. It makes me feel better. If anything is the decision maker here, it’s my body. It’s science. And science is super fucking lucky that I’m totally on it’s side.

Regardless of the fact that I’m not a God lady, I know that I have a lot of people praying for me. And even though I don’t personally partake in prayer, there’s something about that fact that makes me really happy. I’ll take positive thoughts from anywhere. Love is love.

And with that, I ask that if you can spare a moment…throw some good juju my way in the next 24 hours. I could really use it.