"ONE SALIVA BUBBLE"
Screenplay by
David Lynch
And
Mark Frost
First Draft
5/20/87
UNPRODUCED
FADE IN:
INT. HIGH-TECH TRACKING STATION - NIGHT
A top-secret, experimental, offensive/defensive military
installation hidden away in the countryside outside
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
CLOSE on a beautiful, intricate, state of the art computer
panel as it is lifted out of a large console. A huge, dimly
lit display board, sporting a galaxy of small running lights,
looms above.
The panel's removal creates a large, vulnerable opening,
inside of which is a massive confluence of electronics.
As a small group of refined, well-groomed SCIENTISTS
studiously examine the removed panel, their intense
concentration is periodically disrupted by the hysterical
guffaws of a nearby group of three uniformed SECURITY GUARDS,
who appear to be refugees from the Neolithic period.
The Guards, totally oblivious to the Scientists, are regaling
each other with pitiful and infantile jokes.
GUARD #1
...so she said to him, "poo-poo on
your pee-pee".
The Guards explode like a pack of howling hyenas. The
Scientists glance over at them with a look that seems to
say, "How is it possible for us to be sharing the same
planet?"
GUARD #2
Did you just cut a big one or is
Suzie back in town?
Guard #3, the biggest Neanderthal of the bunch, stops laughing
long enough to contribute a rude, tongue-flapping raspberry,
during the course of which...
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON FLAPPING TONGUE
Unbeknownst to him, Guard #3 jettisons a perfect saliva bubble
out into the air and we follow it through space, across the
room, past the unknowing, refined, well-groomed Scientists
and down into the microscopic copper wires, creating a tiny,
seemingly insignificant electrical short circuit, which will
soon prove to have monumental consequences.
CUT TO:
CLOSEUP COMPUTER CONTROL PANEL
Unnoticed by anyone in the room, a small, yellow light
emitting diode blinks on, then blinks off.
CUT TO:
EXT. EARTH'S STATOSPHERE - NIGHT
A simple, streamlined satellite, which resembles nothing so
much as a large red onion surrounded by a hula-hoop, suddenly
stops, then spins on its axis. As we MOVE IN CLOSE on the
satellite we hear a loud metallic CLICK, and a small panel
slides open revealing a digital clock with a readout of:
24:00. Another CLICK and the clock begins to count down.
CUT TO:
EXTREME CLOSE UP
On the bubble rhythmically pulsating between the two copper
wires. Bubble MUSIC begins and we roll CREDITS.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE, KANSAS - MORNING
A billboard beside the highway on the outskirts of town reads:
"WELCOME TO NEWTONVILLE
LIGHTNING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD...
WE'RE ZAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!
POP. 43,108"
Behind the billboard, two lightning bolts crack the dry desert
sky, followed by a peal of distant thunder, under which FADES
IN the melodic strains of a happy country waltz.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - MORNING
A gigantic, old red barn, its roof adorned by a huge, cement
roller skate, whose weatherworn wheels revolve lazily in the
warm morning sun. Neon sparks spray out from under the wheels.
A sign under the skate reads:
"GET A CHARGE ON OUR LIGHTNING FAST SPEEDWAY!"
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - MORNING
BIG TOM and WOODY, the rink's proprietors, sit on a small
balcony overlooking the rink, directly above the concession
stand, manned by RANDY, a pear-shaped menial. Randy pours
two coffees, under the critical supervision of Woody, a man
particularly obsessive about the preparation of his java.
WOODY
One lump you idiot.
RANDY
How many lumps?
WOODY
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BIG TOM
(leaning down, kindly)
Randy, defrost the "Beefy Cheese
Louise".
RANDY
Yes, sir.
Randy moves to a refrigerator, plastered with a garish sign
that reads:
"HOT AND JUICY BEEFY CHEESE LOUISE"
He opens it, revealing neatly arranged rows of bright yellow,
cheese-covered hamburger patties. Big Tom and Woody sit back,
sip their coffee, gazing out at the lone COUPLE skating around
the rink.
BIG TOM
Not bad business for a Wednesday.
Woody looks nervously at his watch, hardly reassured.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLER RINK - MORNING
MOVING off the huge skate, we travel down the road and can't
help but notice the large, rotating, neon lightning rod on
top of an electric pink, pearlescent stucco building. The
sign below the rod reads:
"ANNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD
COMING SOON
SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON"
Ominous jazz MUSIC fades up and out as we pass Vinnie's.
Across the street, on the marquee of the Rialto Theatre we
see the words:
"ONE WEEK ONLY
THE FABULOUS CHINESE ACROBATS
FROM THE FAR PROVINCES"
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. USED CAR LOT - MORNING
THE SIGN ABOVE READS:
"LUCKY BUCK'S
USED CARS AND TRUCKS:
14U
DON'T PASS THE BUCK"
A YOUNG COUPLE examines a used Rambler, parked outside the
sales office.
CUT TO:
INT. LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - MORNING
WALLY NEWTON, a forty year old milquetoast salesman, wilts
under the stern finger of his boss, militaristic, ramrod-
stiff LUCKY BUCK.
LUCKY BUCK
Before you fall out for chow, you
yellow-bellied, jelly-spine, you
march directly out there, soldier,
engage the enemy, and DON'T let them
look under the hood.
WALLY
(quivering)
But, but the engine --
LUCKY BUCK
Mister, the only BUT I want to hear
from you is, "my butt's out there
selling that vehicle". Move out!
WALLY
Yes sir, Lucky Buck.
Wally heads directly out the door. The door closes. Lucky
Buck watches him go.
INTERCUT:
LUCKY BUCK'S POV
Wally moves to the Couple, engages them in a conversation we
don't hear. The Husband points to the hood. Wally nervously
glances back at Lucky Buck, who stares at him. Wally pulls
his neck in and opens the hood. Lucky Buck shakes his head
in dismay, mutters...
LUCKY BUCK
Mister, you are one sorry piece of
poop.
CUT TO:
INT. RAMBLER HOOD
Empty. No engine.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPANY "B" - DAY
A large, imposing, 30's style, concrete office building,
topped by a gigantic, blue "B".
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "B" - DAY
The lobby reception area; blue carpet, blue walls. Two
EMPLOYEES pass by the RECEPTIONIST, all wearing standard
company issue yellow uniforms that sport a big blue "B" on
the lapel.
Looking through the glass front doors we see HORTON THURSBY,
a man who from a distance you might mistake for Wally Newton,
until you get close enough to feel his radioactively
terrifying aura of twisted, homicidal power. His eyes are
like black, malignant bumblebees. His sport coat is a hundred
decibels. The doors fly open as if to flee from him and he
enters without breaking his juggernaut stride. The
Receptionist, who on the face of it appears she could give
him a run for his money, looks up as he reaches the desk.
HORTON
Horton Thursby.
RECEPTIONIST
I'm sorry, there's no one here by
that name.
HORTON
(extremely ominous)
What did you say?
RECEPTIONIST
I s-s-said, no one here, that name.
HORTON
Because that's my name, tubby.
RECEPTIONIST
(nailed to her chair)
W-who shall I say is calling?
HORTON
(leaning in very close)
Horton Thursby.
Panicked, she rifles through her appointment book and slams
her finger down when she finds...
RECEPTIONIST
Uh-huh, I s-s-see your name right
here.
HORTON
I have a pointment with Mr. Biggs,
bean brain.
RECEPTIONIST
Indeed you do, of course you do, you
certainly do, he's expecting you,
he's set aside the time to --
HORTON
(a finger in her face)
That's enough.
RECEPTIONIST
(nods vigorously,
can't look at him,
points)
Ma-Mr. Thuraby, if you'd like to
take the Ex-exec-executive Elevator --
Horton's already making a beeline for the elevator; its doors
zip open and shut behind him as he enters.
CUT TO:
INT. EXECUTIVE ELEVATOR
Horton stands underneath a speaker, piping out insipid Muzak.
His icy stare travels up to the speaker. It sputters, gasps
and goes silent. His gaze moves back down.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT, ZURICH, SWITZERLAND - DAY
Deep, deep snow and more falling. The Matterhorn is visible
in the distance. A sign reads:
"ZURICH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
ALWAYS ON TIME"
Lederhosen clad PORTERS on skis carry in the curbside luggage
of passengers arriving in a variety of sleds and toboggans.
A small herd of bell-clad COWS part as a horse-drawn sleigh
pulls up and out hops a sprightly, middle-aged, bright-eyed,
frizzy-haired genius, PROFESSOR HUGO ZINZERMACHER. He walks
up to the DRIVER and hands him a note.
HUGO
International Airport, please.
The Driver looks at him, looks at the note. The note reads:
"PLEASE TAKE THE PROFESSOR TO
ZURICH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT"
The Driver turns back to the Professor.
DRIVER
You are here.
HUGO
That may be, however I have a plane
to catch.
DRIVER
Please. This IS the airport.
The Professor looks around, looks back at the Driver.
HUGO
Thank you so much.
He takes off his coat, hands it to the Driver and gets back
into the sleigh. The Driver exhales heavily.
CUT TO:
INT. ZURICH AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Doors open, the Driver hustles the Professor in through the
doors, carrying his bag and coat. Two young clean-cut men,
BERT FINE and MEL GLEASON, both in bright blue uniforms with
a big yellow "A" on the label, spot the Professor, rush across
the terminal to him.
BERT
Professor Zinzermacher?
HUGO
(cheerfully)
No, I'm Professor Zinzermacher.
Bert and Mel look at each other. The Driver shakes his head,
hands the bag and coat to Bert and Mel and walks away.
HUGO
I am Professor Hugo Zinzermacher.
Hugo you way und I'll go mine.
He extends a hand. They each shake it. Under the following
wails the low, sonorous boom of an Alpine horn.
BERT
Bert Fine.
MEL
Mel Gleason. It's an honor to meet
you, sir.
HUGO
You boys seemed a bit confused at
first.
BERT
It's a long flight from Kansas, we're
a little jet lagged.
CUT TO:
BERT, MEL AND THE PROFESSOR
Mel looks at his watch.
MEL
That's us. Have your ticket,
Professor?
HUGO
Well, I don't mind if I do. What
kind?
Mel and Bert look at each other again.
BERT
Would you mind going through your
pockets, Professor --
MEL
And see if you're in possession of
an airline ticket to Kansas.
HUGO
(with a faraway look)
What if we relate the vector on a
parallelogram, equidistant to but
not exceeding the bifurcation of the
remaining cardinal coordinates?
BERT
Mel, go through his coat --
MEL
(searching him)
You can bet that plane's going to
leave on time.
BERT
There was something in the report
about his socks...
They both kneel down and each pulls up a pant leg, revealing
droopy socks of vastly different colors. One sock yields a
toothbrush and the other a crumpled airline ticket which Mel
immediately grabs.
MEL
Let's move.
They each grab one of Hugo's arms and start running him
towards the gate.
CUT TO:
MEANWHILE, BACK IN NEWTONVILLE, KANSAS
INT. COMPANY "B" BOARDROOM - DAY
THWACK! A telescoping pointer in the hand of Company "B"'s
CEO, MR. BIGGS, smacks into a lifesize photograph of Professor
Zinzermacher on the wall of the Company "B" boardroom. In
the photograph, the Professor's shoelaces are wildly askew.
His rumpled, tweed suit is encrusted with food. His frizzled
hair looks like a bird's nest. A small retinue of yellow-
clad FUNCTIONARIES sit at the conference table, giving Horton,
at the far end, a wide berth.
MR. BIGGS
He can't even tie his own shoes, yet
he's one of the greatest minds of
Western Civilization, and who's got
him? Company "A"!! According to Mr.
Posthole, our worthy mole who's
penetrated the innermost sanctums of
Company "A" --
CAMERA drifts over and finds MR. POSTHOLE, the Company "B"
spy, a shifty blonde guy in brick-thick black hornrims.
MR. BIGGS
-- they've purchased Professor
Zinzermacher's brainpower for their
covert Center for Advanced Nucleacly
Abritrary Permutations
Experimentation, also known as
C.A.N.A.P.E. Yes, they've got the
Professor. But, ladies and gentlemen,
not for long, because we've got Mr.
Horton Thursby.
Everyone smiles and all eyes turn to Horton. He doesn't
flinch.
MR. BIGGS
Thursby, this... is your target.
CLOSE on Horton, as he squints at Hugo's picture.
CUT TO:
HORTON'S POV
Hugo's picture comes into focus and cross-hairs appear between
his eyes, as if looking through the telescopic sight of an
elephant gun.
CUT TO:
HORTON
As he lights a cigarette, inhales a big drag. His eyes flit
back to Mr. Biggs.
HORTON
It's your money.
The Functionary nearest to Horton subtly moves the tabletop
"THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING" plaque out of Horton's sightline.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT
Mel and Bert are asleep under blankets, both smiling
blissfully, but their sleep becomes more troubled and they
are eventually woken by an atrociously loud cellophane
rustling SOUND. The Professor is trying desperately to open
a small airline bag of peanuts.
CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY
Wally drives his 1950 two-tone, four-door Pontiac Firechief
into the driveway of his modest house. He stops the car,
cuts the engine and cautiously peers out the window. Silence.
He carefully opens the car door, trying to minimize all
sounds, gets out and tip-toes towards the front door.
Out of nowhere, flies a tiny, yapping Pekinese dog, sporting
a yellow ribbon in its hair and baring its hideous little
teeth. Wally breaks into a sprint and is about to reach the
door when the dog overtakes him and clamps its jaws onto one
of his ankles. Wally wildly flails his leg around, trying to
dislodge the beast, finally succeeds and sends it soaring
into the air over a hedge.
Wally bolts into the house, slamming the door behind him,
just as the dog jets back on the attack, making a hair net
out of the screen door.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY
Wally catches his breath, turns. A savage cry is heard and
his son, GORDIE, rolls out from behind an overstuffed chair
and empties a toy machine gun at his father's chest and head.
Wally just stands there.
POLLY'S VOICE
Where have you been? Do you realize
what time it is?
(appearing around a
corner)
I'll tell you what time it is, Gordie,
what time is it?
Gordie activates his talking military digital.
WATCH VOICE
Sixteen hundred hours. Time to
bivouac.
POLLY
Sometimes I think you're stupider
than your Cousin Newt, don't you
realize what we were supposed to do
tonight?
GORDIE
Newt's an idiot.
POLLY
We were supposed to look at our video
BEFORE dinner so we could practice
DURING dinner. I suppose you forgot
the wine, too.
WALLY
I had a --
POLLY
Are you going to give me an excuse?
You were going to give me an excuse,
weren't you? Wally? Do I look like
the type of person who'd be interested
in an excuse?
Demoralized, Wally slouches towards his overstuffed chair,
reaching under his left arm to scratch.
POLLY
Don't you touch that rash! You'll
keep me up all night with your
scratching!
(Wally slumps in the
chair)
If I was really interested in hearing
some pitiful story don't you think
I'd ask to hear it? Do I look like
the type of person who lives in a
fantasy world? Look at me, Wally.
Wally, look at me when I'm talking
to you, what do you see? Hmm?
(Wally shakes his
head)
Do you see a poor, tired housewife,
holding our lives together by sheer
force of will, who received today a
phone call? A phone call from your
rich relatives up at the Manor who
didn't otherwise even know I'm alive,
who asked ME to ask YOU to please
pick up your idiot cousin Newt
tomorrow at the airport? Do you have
any idea how humiliating that is?
She stands and screams towards the ceiling, repeatedly. Wally
covers his eyes and face with his hands. When he uncovers
them, Gordie is right in front of him, assuming the classic
police stance. He fires six quick rounds from his toy pistol,
emptying the magazine point blank at Wally's head.
CUT TO:
A TV MONITOR
CLOSE on the grainy image of a sophisticated couple seated
at a candlelit table. Syrupy MUSIC and a dry, industrial
film NARRATOR over...
NARRATOR'S VOICE
Sniff the cork along with us now and
let its heady bouquet transport you
into the Wonderful World of Wine
Tasting! Part Two.
(big music cue)
Wally and Polly sit facing the television, each holding a
large glass of red wine, staring attentively at the screen.
Wally wears an apron that says: "DON'T BOTHER ME I'M COOKING"
NARRATOR'S VOICE
You've made your selection, and by
the sommelier's sly little smile you
know he approves. The wine's been
decanted, it's had a chance to b-r-e-
a-t-h-e. It sits, poised in your
glass, a ruby nectar beckoning your
lips.
(hushed tones)
Now, band forward... a little
further... a little further, that's
right...
Wally and Polly follow the actions of the couple on the
screen.
NARRATOR'S VOICE
Extend the neck... imagine your lips
forming the perfect letter "o"...
lower the "o" to the rim... now,
remember the babbling brook...
The couple on screen LOUDLY SUCKS UP AIR AND WINE, making a
weird fluted whistling sounds. Wally and Polly mimic it.
NARRATOR'S VOICE
...and again...
Both couples repeat the action.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY
CLOSE ON A SIGN THAT READS:
"SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM"
A fierce wind is howling, violently waving a tree limb in
front of the sign.
CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES OFFICE - DAY
DR. ANGELA RUTHERFORD, in a sharp, tailored tweed suit, is
consulting with the sanitarium's administrator, DR. ETHAN
FLORD. As they speak, he watches the fish in a small aquarium
on his desk. Angela holds a thermos of coffee.
ANGELA
So all I really need is your signature
here, Dr. Flord, and we can release
Newt Newton for his annual visit
home.
She puts a form in front of him on the desk.
DR. FLORD
You know, he's not even left us yet
and it's as if I miss Newt already.
When I'm with him, of course I'm
always with him in spirit, as I am
with all our patients, even now,
against all evidence to the contrary,
I sense some small spark of mental
activity behind those bulging eyes.
Perhaps this is a projection on my
part. A projection filled with a
physician's unquenchable hopefulness.
ANGELA
Uh-huh.
DR. FLORD
Has it been a year already? It seems
it was only last week when he was
flying off to the bosom of his family,
when in fact three hundred and sixty
five days, give or take a few --
this wasn't a leap year was it? No,
of course not. Ah, remembrances --
remembrances.
Fighting off the wave of crippling boredom and mental
exhaustion induced by the Doctor's monotone, Angela quickly
pours a large cup of coffee, stifling a yawn.
ANGELA
I only need your signature --
DR. FLORD
Was it March of last year when my
Aunt was fitted for her prosthesis?
I suppose it was. What a difference
it made, how it changed her! In ways
one couldn't possibly imagine. First,
the new carpeting. Inexplicable
perhaps, at first glance. But on
closer scrutiny, however, an
underpinning of rationality seemed
to emerge.
Angela takes a big gulp of coffee, grabs an arm of a chair
and lowers herself into it, struggling to keep her eyes open.
The fish in the aquarium begin to slow perceptibly.
ANGELA
Only your signature. Please, Doctor.
DR. FLORD
(looking at his hands)
As if creation, splintered into a
hundred million realities, was
actually nothing less than the
complicated interweavings...
(locking his fingers
together)
...of one, grand design. Well-hidden,
mind you, but upon deeper examination,
open the doors...
(he opens his hands
and wiggles his
fingers)
...and there's all the people.
(a small, vanilla
chuckle)
And of course that's when I realized
Aunt Hildy had friends and had
purchased a pet. Which brings me
back to Newt. Isn't it odd how every
Newton since Newt's Grandad has been
struck by lightning? Newt's Grandad
was struck by lightning. He's a
complete idiot. Newt's father was
struck by lightning. He's no longer
with us. And of course Newt was struck
by lightning and by golly, he's a
complete idiot. And all of them were
named Newton. Newton Newton. Newton
Newton. Newton Newton...
We hear the SOUND of liquid pouring slowly onto the carpet.
We see Angela's relaxed hand tipping her coffee cup towards
the floor. We see Angela is sound asleep. A fish in the
aquarium slowly rolls and goes belly up.
DR. FLORD
Those eyes. Those bulging, happy
puppy eyes.
CUT TO:
NEWT NEWTON'S EYES
Bulging. Happy, gleaming puppy eyes. We periodically and
rhythmically hear the SOUND of breaking eggs. With each crack
his eyes widen.
CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES CORRIDOR - DAY
Angela is leaning over a drinking fountain, splashing cold
water onto her face, trying to shake off Dr. Flord's torpor.
She moves on and stops to speak to a PATIENT standing in the
hall, dressed as and in fact bearing an uncanny resemblance
to Napoleon.
ANGELA
Have you seen Newt?
PATIENT
Helping out in ze kitchen. Assemble
all ze men; tomorrow we march on
Moscow.
ANGELA
Thank you, your Highness and good
luck tomorrow.
PATIENT
We will need it; zose beasts haf no
souls. I hope ze weather holds. I
saw Bing Crosby in a dream.
She moves on towards the kitchen.
CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES KITCHEN - DAY
We see a COOK pick up an egg, crack the egg on top of Newt's
head and empty it into a huge bowl. We MOVE around and down
the customized chair Newt is strapped into, to his right
knee; as we hear another egg crack, Newt's knee jerks up and
hits a pedal device that flips a pancake on a long, conveyor-
belt griddle. We follow the pancakes on the beltway to he
end of the line where another COOK spatulas the pancakes
onto the plates of seven ravenous but polite PATIENTS, all
dressed as Jesus, passing the maple syrup back and forth.
THE JESUSES
(variously)
Thank you, Brother -- you're too
kind -- don't mention it --
Angela enters and moves to the first Cook.
ANGELA
Unstrap Newt, I've got his sock in
the car --
(to Newt)
Time to go home, Newt.
NEWT
Can I pee?
ANGELA
Yes, in just a moment, Newt.
NEWT
(a happy eye-roll)
Rock' em-sock' em.
CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY
A door opens, Newt sprints down the hallway and into a door,
marked with the symbol:
Angela cools her heels outside the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY
Angela and an ORDERLY walk Newt to a waiting van. The Orderly
is steering the meandering, easily distracted Newt by a handle
attached to the back of his jacket. Just above the handle
are the embroidered words:
"GIMME FIVE"
Angela hands the Orderly a plane ticket.
ANGELA
Be sure to walk him onto the plane
yourself, fasten his seatbelt,
remember to tell the Stewardess no
liquids for Newt and don't let them
check his sock, it's carry on. His
cousin Wally will be there to meet
him in Newtonville.
(turns to Newt)
Newt, the whole staff will miss you
and I'll miss you, too.
NEWT
Two. Zero. One. Two --
She grabs Newt by the shoulders.
ANGELA
Have a wonderful time at home, Newt.
Angela gives Newt a big kiss; he smiles enigmatically and
tries to deck her with a roundhouse right, which she expertly
ducks, and he completes his compulsive reaction to her kiss
with a sly wolf whistle. The Orderly tightens his grip on
Newt's handle. Angela attaches a large, adhesive badge to
Newt's jacket that reads:
"HI
MY NAME IS NEWT
ARE YOU MY COUSIN WALLY?"
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The satellite clicks and we see that the digital countdown
readout is t-minus 12:00 and counting.
CUT TO:
EXT. LOADING DOCK - NIGHT
We see the back of a large semi packed solid with large bricks
of a yellow substance, wrapped in waxy paper. A FOREMAN with
a clipboard walks back and forth as the two DRIVERS finish
tidying the cargo.
FOREMAN
Boys, you've packed your load/
And it's time to hit the road/
Let the slowpokes eat your dust/
It's Newtonville or bust/
Let the highway be your heyday/
And I'll see you here on payday.
The Drivers, who hate this rhyming business, close and lock
the doors. A picture of a large wheel of bright yellow cheese
is painted on the doors, along with the words:
"CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK"
The Drivers move to and enter the cab, as the Foreman works
himself into a rhyming frenzy.
FOREMAN
Please, boys, please/
Be careful with that cheese/
For the Beefy Cheese Louise/
If anything should happen/
You'll put me in a squeeze/
You'll bring me to my knees/
I could lose all my fees/
Are you sure you've got your keys?
(the truck starts)
Watch out for all those trees! Hi-
ho, hi-ho/
I hate to see you go/
We'll see you back here soon/
Remember: Newtonville by noon!
The truck thunders off into the night, obscuring the last
wretched rhymes of the Post Foreman.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - NIGHT
A police car is parked behind the sign:
"WELCOME TO NEWTONVILLE
LIGHTNING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD...
WE'RE ZAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!
POP. 43,108"
We see a bright flash of lightning in the distance.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT
DOUGY "SHERLOCK" WATSON, a heavyset, easy-going Highway
Patrolman, sits behind the wheel, looking up at the sky.
DOUGY "SHERLOCK" WATSON
Four hundred and one...
(pause -- then, more
lightning)
Four hundred and two...
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Wally sits catatonically in his overstuffed chair, with his
shirt off, his left arm raised in an uncomfortable position.
A big red rash under his left arm is covered with pink lotion.
The room is strewn with Gordie's toy weapons. Gordie himself
is violently stomping up and down on a newspaper-stuffed
dummy/enemy soldier, screaming as he guts the dummy and
plunges the toy knife into its brainpan. GUCCI-GUCCI, the
dreaded Pekingese, is busy rending one of Wally's argyle
socks.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT
CLOSE on peanuts in the aisle, as we hear a plastic crunching
SOUND. While everyone else sleeps, the Professor futilely
struggles to pry open his salad dressing container with a
plastic fork.
CUT TO:
INT. HORTON THURSBY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Horton sits in his '40's noir hotel room, in a sleeveless T-
shirt, boxer shorts and gartered socks, cleaning his massive,
chrome-plated .357 Magnum pistol, staring holes in a picture
of Professor Zinzermacher on the table in front of him. His
moll, LORRAINE, an irresistible, shapely blonde bombshell,
lolls on the bed, blowing kisses to the ceiling and watching
them float.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT
Randy slowly cleans the concession area. Woody sits at a
table near the rink, playing a beautiful, forlorn county
waltz on a steel guitar. Big Tom is slowly and gracefully
skating around the rink in time to the music.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT
The lights around the big skate on top of the rink turn off.
The distant waltz merges with the crickets.
SLOW FADE OUT
FADE IN:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT - DAY
A huge lightning rod in the shape of a key sits atop the
modest terminal. A sign on the building reads:
"NEWTONVILLE'S
'BEN FRANKLIN'
AIRPORT
THE KEY TO ALL YOUR TRAVEL NEEDS
BEN SAYS, 'CHARGE IT!!'"
A black stretch limo with a big "A" on the side pulls up in
front of the terminal. The stocky Cockney chauffeur, BOB
McNABB, gets out, and opens the door for his petite and proper
wife, ALICE, who gets out of the passenger side. Both are
dressed in yellow uniforms that sport a big blue "A".
BOB MCNABB
Watch your loaf, luv.
ALICE
(middle-class English)
Wait here, Bobby ducks. Back in a
tick with Bert, Mel and the Professor.
BOB MCNABB
Standin' by, ready to stab it and
steer. Go on, plant one on me boat.
Come on then.
She shyly gives him a kiss on the cheek. He gives her an
affectionate hug and tickle, which makes her giggle. She
starts towards the terminal. Bob admires her small, shapely
figure.
BOB MCNABB
What a butcher's; makes me want to
fall to me chips'ns.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOG - DAY
Wally Newton pulls into a slot, parks and starts digging
through the mass of Gordie's toys, piled high from the front
seat to the back. He retrieves a piece of paper with some
flight info on it, stuck to a huge wad of gum. The array of
weaponry and Gordie-and-Polly-generated filth in the car is
staggering.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN FRANKLIN TERMINAL - DAY
Alice moves through the terminal, past a small newsstand. We
PICK UP and STAY WITH Horton Thursby, lurking near the
magazine rack. He sets down the copy of "DETECTIVES IN LOVE
MAGAZINE" he was pretending to read and follows Alice toward
the arrival gates.
CUT TO:
HEINZ 57 COMPANY BANNER
Near an arrival gate. The banner reads:
"WELCOME TO OUR 35 NEW
EMPLOYEES FROM LUBBOCK, TEXAS
35 NEW REASONS WHY 57 IS
NUMBER 1"
WE MOVE off the banner to see Horton walking away, still
following Alice towards the gate. We PICK UP and STAY with
Wally, as he enters through a side door, looking for a trash
can. He carries a large conglomeration of hundreds of pink
gum wads and other sticky car refuse. We stay with Wally
until he crosses paths with a group of thirty-five robust
TEXANS, all in goofy, double-knit leisure suits, carrying
briefcases.
Waiting to greet the Texans under the Heinz banner, beside a
big black cauldron are three large CHEFS in white outfits
and large chef's hats, bearing the distinctive, ketchup-red
"57" logo.
As the Texans approach, a TAP DANCER dressed as a bottle of
Heinz 57 sauce rises out of the cauldron and begins
enthusiastically tap dancing to taped musical accompaniment.
The Chefs shake the hands of the happy Texans and hand each
of them a large bottle of steak sauce.
CUT TO:
WALLY
Still looking for a trash can. Near another gate, he passes
another welcoming committee, under another banner that reads:
"MAYOR BILLY BENSON IS ZAPPY TO WELCOME
THE RENOWNED CHINESE ACROBATIC TEAM
FROM THE FAR PROVINCES
IT'S VERY RICE TO SEE YOU"
MAYOR BILLY BENSON and his wife, DOTTY, stand behind two
BATON-TWIRLING BLONDES and a TRICK DOG jumping back and forth
through a hoop. A Sousa march blares as the CHINESE ACROBATS
come off the plane, all wearing identical Chinese red
sweatsuits with Nehru collars. A great deal of bowing and
smiling and unintelligible greetings ensues.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The countdown on the satellite continues: it now reads: 00:10.
It changes to: 00:09.
CUT TO:
INT. ARRIVAL GATE - DAY
Wally's at a trash can, trying to dislodge the sticky gum
wad from his hands, when he looks out a window and spots
Newt in a crowd of people exiting a plane down a portable
stairway. Instead of crossing the tarmac to the terminal
with the other passengers, Newt stops at the bottom of the
stairs and is quickly left alone.
A concerned STEWARDESS moves towards Newt. He smiles and
backs up. The Stewardess stops, Newt stops. Wally watches.
Within moments half a dozen assorted AIRPORT PERSONNEL are
giving chase to Newt, who gleefully darts in and out around
the plane's landing gear.
CUT TO:
HORTON (NEAR ANOTHER GATE)
Positioned behind a column, watching Mel, Bert and the
Professor deplane off the jetway, where they're greeted by
Alice. Mel and Bert are rhythmically bobbing their heads and
knees, because they have to urinate with such urgency their
back teeth are floating.
CUT TO:
MEL, BERT, THE PROFESSOR AND ALICE
As the Professor shakes Alice's hand.
HUGO
I am Professor Hugo Zinzermacher.
Hugo your way und I'll go mine.
Alice stares at him. Mel leans over to Bert and whispers.
MEL
I gotta pee so bad I can taste it.
BERT
Me too, Mel. My bladder's stretched
out like a water balloon.
ALICE
Did you check your bag, Professor?
HUGO
Unfortunately no; they took it from
me at the other airport.
Alice stares at him again, nods slowly and turns towards the
baggage claim area.
CUT TO:
HORTON
As Alice, Mel, Bert and the Professor pass by, Horton
cautiously follows them.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The satellite countdown moves from: 00:04 to 00:03.
CUT TO:
INT. ARRIVAL GATE - DAY
Two burly SECURITY GUARDS carry a rigid, smiling Newt up a
jetway into the terminal to the waiting Wally. Newt sees
Wally, points at him and breaks into a wild, moonbeam smile.
The Guards carry him to Wally.
GUARD #1
Are you his Cousin Wally?
WALLY
Yes, sir, I am. Where's his sock?
The other Guard holds up a bulging grey sock with a red
stripe. The Guards set Newt down. He and Wally immediately
start to circle each other, quickly accelerating into faster
and faster revolutions. They stop at the same time and break
into huge, identical grins.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSSTAND - DAY
SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON, a middle-aged black musician is
buying a big cigar from the CASHIER behind the counter. He
carries a well-traveled guitar case, stenciled with the words:
"SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON"
As he moves on, lighting the stogie, HANK THE BARBER, a tall,
thin man, wearing sleeve garters and a racy bow-tie, exits
the Barber Shop across the corridor and moves towards the
newsstand.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The satellite countdown moves under: 00:01 and starts counting
in seconds: 00:00:59. The satellite begins emitting a beeping
sound which gradually increases in tempo, pitch and volume.
Another panel slides open and a large, metallic nozzle slides
out.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY
The baggage carousel starts revolving and bags begin to
appear. We see the following groupings: Alice, the Professor,
Mel and Bert.
MEL
We'll be right back.
BERT
We're going to the men's room.
They begin fast-bobbing towards the men's room. Sammy "The
Stomp" Johnson waits just to the right of Alice, who takes
out a make-up mirror and powders her nose. Horton lurks behind
a nearby column, watching the Professor.
The Texans and the Chinese Acrobats are on opposite sides of
the carousel, along with their respective welcoming
committees.
Wally leads Newt to the carousel, takes off his belt, loops
it though the handle on Newt's jacket and ties it around a
column.
NEWT
Can I pee?
WALLY
Soon as I get your bag, Newt.
NEWT
Rock' em-sock'em?
WALLY
(hands Newt his sock)
I'll be right back, Newt. I see your
bag right there.
Wally starts after a plaid bag with a "SOOTHING BREEZES" tag
on it, trying to dart through the Texans to reach the bag
before it disappears.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
We see the satellite countdown: 00:00:03 / 00:00:02 / 00:00:01
and as it hits 00:00:00 the beeping crescendos and goes SILENT
for one brief moment. Then, the satellite produces an
emission; a small burst of light shoots from the nozzle and
hear a sound like a sharp slam on a ping-pong ball.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the United States. The emission,
a short piece of light, enters the earth's atmosphere and
heads down towards Kansas.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT - DAY
The emission strikes the Ben Franklin key on top of the
terminal. The key lights up and spins.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY
HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the carousel area. The emission
zooms down, strikes the carousel and a glowing four-way beam
in the shape of a "X" appears. One arm of the "X" connects
Horton Thursby and Wally Newton; the other arm connects
Professor Hugo Zinzermacher and Newt Newton.
The glowing "X" vibrates wildly and spins, sending off small
pieces of the emission in various directions.
One piece hits the group of Texans, bounces over and strikes
the Chinese Acrobats.
Another shard hits Alice, makes a sharp right and slams into
Sammy "The Stomp" Johnson.
A third bolt hits Alice's open make-up mirror, bounces behind
her and nails Mel and Bert just as they open the door to the
men's room. This piece of the emission then hits the mirror
in the men's room and shoots back out into the corridor,
striking the Cashier and Hank the Barber at the newsstand.
The bolt continues out an open door, bounces off the three
Heinz 57 Chefs, the tap dancing 57 Sauce Bottle and the Trick
Dog, all standing by the curb, then smacks into the head of
Bob McNabb, sitting behind the wheel of Company "A"'s limo.
From there, the beam spreads out towards all of Newtonville.
The three Chefs, the tap dancing Bottle and the Trick Dog
are suddenly compelled to leap into Bob's limo. And Bob, as
if possessed by the spirit of a mad hot rodder, puts the
pedal to the metal, lays two hundred feet of rubber, slams
on the breaks when he reaches a stop sign, throws it in
reverse and comes roaring backwards through the pick-up area
in front of the terminal.
CUT TO:
INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY
The glowing "X" of light burns brightly; the clothes of the
two opposing pairs fly off and land on the person opposite;
Newt now wears the Professor's clothes and the Professor is
wearing Newt's clothes. Horton Thursby is wearing Wally
Newton's clothes and Wally Newton is wearing the clothes of
Horton Thursby. Newt's sock flies into the Professor's hand.
He immediately drops it. Horton's .357 Magnum flies across
and lands in Wally's hand. He immediately drops it.
The "X" hits another level of intensity and now the two pairs
literally change places; Newt Newton, in the Professor's
clothes, now stands next to Alice. He leans down and picks
up his sock. The Professor is in Newt's clothes, strapped to
the column. Wally wears Horton's clothes, lurking behind a
column and Horton wears Wally's clothes, looking for Newt's
bag. Horton bends down, picks up his Magnum and sticks it in
the waistband of his pants.
The "X" hits its brightest level and completely EVAPORATES.
The carousel makes a stressful, screeching sound.
Newt, the Professor, Wally and Horton blink their eyes and
shake their heads, feeling confused.
For no reason they can understand, the Texans are compelled
to march en mass to the other side of the carousel, just as
the Chinese acrobats, equally befuddled and compelled, walk
around to where they Texans were standing.
Alice and Sammy "The Stomp" Johnson are still standing side
by side. However, their positions have been reversed, she's
wearing his sharkskin suit and aviator shades and he's wearing
her Company "A" dress suit.
The carousel stops suddenly, smoking slightly. Stunned
silence. Mayor Billy Benson is the first person who rouses
himself enough to speak. He makes a few strange noises, before
squeezing out the words...
MAYOR BILLY BENSON
It-it-it-it-it was only lightning.
Stay c-c-c-c-calm.
The crowd, instantly reassured and pathetically grateful for
this convenient explanation, murmurs, as one...
CROWD
It was only lightning.
The carousel slowly starts to revolve again. People begin to
move forward to claim their luggage.
CUT TO:
INT. MEN'S ROOM
Mel and Bert, who had been frozen near the door, shake their
heads clear and bob to the urinals.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSSTAND
Hank the Barber picks up a newspaper and hands it to the
Cashier.
CASHIER
The Hank, usual?
HANK THE BARBER
Bet you.
The Cashier takes the paper, opens the cash register drawer
and tries to stuff the newspaper inside. Meanwhile, Hank
unwraps a candy bar and smears it in a tight circle on his
forehead, near the third eye area. The Cashier takes out a
handful of nickels and dimes, holds out his arm and throws
the coins onto the corridor floor. The Barber and the Cashier
look at each other for a moment with a look of complete
blankness. The Barber spins violently and storms back to the
Barbershop.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY LIMITS - DAY
The satellite emission beam zips towards the "Welcome to
Newtonville" sign, hits the city limits, stops dead, glows
brightly for a second, then disappears with a loud pop. A
moment later, a semi-tractor trailer barrels down the highway,
entering Newtonville. On it's back doors we see the words:
"CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK"
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY
High angle. Stock shot. Establish.
CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON CORRIDOR - DAY
CLOSE on a high-tech security door, with a sign that reads:
"SDI
SECTION FOUR
CODE SIX CLEARANCE REQUIRED"
CUT TO:
INT. SDI SECTION FOUR - DAY
MOVING along a heavily instrumented control panel, we come
to rest on a blinking, and as yet undetected, red warning
light. Printing above the light reads:
"RANDOM COLL. DEEP SPACE EMISSION"
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY
Horton-as-Wally, undoes the belt that holds the Professor-as-
Newt to the column. He hands the plaid bag to the Professor.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Time to go, Newt.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Where?
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(slight pause)
To the Manor?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
I thought we would go to the...
Institute.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
You just came from the Institute.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Oh, I see.
They start towards an exit.
CUT TO:
INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice takes Newt-as-the-Professor by
the arm.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
This way, Professor Zinzermacher.
Newt-as-the-Professor smiles, grips his sock and they march
towards the exit. Stepping out from behind the column, Wally-
as-Horton shadows them.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT -DAY
Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice and Newt-as-the-Professor exit
the terminal to the white zone and stop at the curb. Wally-
as-Horton exits after them, hanging back behind a trolly of
luggage. A moment later the Company "A" limousine rockets
by, the top of the Tap Dancing 57 Bottle sticks out of the
sunroof. The limo screeches to a halt at the same stop sign,
then shoots back past the white zone again, 70 mph in reverse,
tires smoking and screaming.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
(after the limo passes)
What is my husband doing?
Newt-as-the-Professor stares blissfully. Mel and Bert come
hustling out of the terminal. Due to the peculiar nature of
the satellite emission, they, along with everyone else
affected by it, are only dimly aware that any changes have
occurred.
MEL
Sorry we're late, Alice.
A slight pause. They both look at her somewhat curiously,
then dismiss whatever doubt might have arisen.
MEL
We were bobbin' like a cork.
BERT
We'd been holding our water since
Zurich.
The limo roars by yet again at 95 mph.
MEL
Where's Bob going?
Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice takes out a white hankie, steps
to the curb. He speaks in his voice, but with Alice's accent
and vocabulary.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
(waving the hankie)
Yoo-hoo! Bobby! Ducks! Oh, ducks,
come right over here now, we're all
ready to go.
The limo screams back into view, stops on a dime. Bob McNabb
is a desperate man, a vessel for a twisted A.J. Foyt from
Hell. His "good" side controls the foot on the break, the
"demonic" side pumps the accelerator like Buddy Righ
assaulting his bass drum pedal. The entire car shakes and
smokes like a dragster on the starting line.
BOB MCNABB
(eyes popping)
Jump in, Mates, and make it snappy;
I'm ridin' a rhino in a brushfire.
Doors fly open, Mel and Bert lift Newt-as-the-Professor into
the back seat with them, wedging in between the Chefs and
the Tap Dancing Bottle. Stricken with a profound love, the
Trick Dog instantly leaps into Newt-as-the-Professor's arms.
Equally infatuated, Newt-as-the-Professor grabs the little
Dog's cheeks and they smile at each other, point blank. Sammy
"The Stomp"-as-Alice climbs into the front seat beside Bob.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
(a bit stern)
Robby-ducks, remind me to speak to
you about your tea consumption. It
seems to be affecting your driving --
Bob can't hold back the surge any longer and the limo leaps
forward like a cheetah on the trail of a leaping ibex. Wally-
as-Horton comes forward to the curb, hails a cab, jumps in
the back and says to the DRIVER:
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Follow that limo!
The cab starts after the limo.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
The Professor-as-Newt stands by, as Horton-as-Wally opens
the door to Wally's car. Enraged with revulsion, he reaches
in and with two or three violent motions sweeps Gordie's
toys and Polly's garbage out of the car, spraying it into
the parking lot.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What a load a' crap.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
So it would seem.
Horton-as-Wally looks at him askance for a moment, then opens
the door for the Professor-as-Newt, places him in the front
seat and fastens his seat belt.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
I have a feeling we're not in Zurich
anymore.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
You said a mouthful there, buddy.
Horton-as-Wally starts the car and they drive off.
CUT TO:
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
The limo zooms towards an intersection. The light ahead turns
red. Bob slams on the breaks. The passengers tumble like ten-
pins. Bob throws the limo into reverse and floors it. The
passengers, just regaining their balance, get thrown again.
CUT TO:
INT. CAB - DAY
The Taxi Driver reacts in horror as the limo shoots backwards
towards him. Panicked, he puts the cab in reverse and floors
it. Wally-as-Horton holds on for dear life.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Did we do something wrong?
CAB DRIVER
(nonchalant)
I see this sort'a stuff every day;
the whole world's comin' apart.
The limo shoots back past them, swerves, does a 360 and heads
back straight for them. The Cab Driver shifts back to drive
and burns rubber, the limo right on his rear fender.
CAB DRIVER
I gotta admit though, this one's
somethin' special.
The cab is pushed forward down the road by the limo. They
disappear over the crest of a hill.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY
A palatial estate, high on a hill, hard by the sixteenth tee
of the Newtonville Country Club golf course. A sign reads:
"NEWTON MANOR"
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ENTRYWAY - DAY
In the grand foyer, at the base of a grand, circular
staircase, TIDMAN, a nervous, middle-aged, slightly disheveled
butler is addressing the assembled Manor STAFF.
TIDMAN
As you know... Newt... is coming
home. He will be arriving momentarily.
You will recall two years ago, due
to a former employee's negligence,
one of the garages was not secured.
Newt crawled into the workings of
the furnace; during the six months
it took to undo his handiwork we
suffered through the coldest winter
in recent memory. Black smoke issued
from the faucets. Boiling water was
found in the toilets. Thermostat
circuitry was hardwired to all the
baking ovens. Yes, as a result Chef
Pierre did develop his "Jiffy Baked
Alaska", which we've all enjoyed, he
also developed a rare skin disorder
from working in the 113 degree
kitchen.
A sheepish CHEF PIERRE, wearing heavy medical mittens and
hat with asbestos ear flaps, shrugs.
CHEF PIERRE
Cis la'vie.
TIDMAN
I want the following words engraved
in the core of your beings: this
year there will be no such incidents.
If air can reach a hidden place, so
can Newt. If water can flow through
a crack, there too Newt will go.
Readiness. Vigilance. Perseverance.
May God be with us all.
CUT TO:
INT. / EXT. MANOR HOUSE - DAY
QUICK CUTS: Fine crockery's locked in high cabinets. Hallway
closet doors are nailed shut. Iron grates are padlocked over
air ducts. In the garage, a steel box is lowered by winch
over the Rolls. In the basement, a GUARD takes his post in
front of the new furnace.
CUT TO:
EXT. MANOR HOUSE - DAY
The electric gates swing open. Horton-as-Wally drives Wally's
car up the circular drive to the front walk. Tidman approaches
the car, flanked by a pair of Orderlies -- IKE and MIKE --
built like refrigerators. Tidman opens the door, Ike and
Mike stand by to pounce. The Professor-as-Newt looks up at
them and smiles. Horton-as-Wally gets out on the driver's
side.
TIDMAN
(a big cheesy smile)
Welcome home, Master Newt. Hello,
Wally.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Who are the goons?
TIDMAN
Help for you-know-who. Come along,
Newt, we've got the Rocking Horse
room all ready for you.
The Orderlies lift the Professor-as-Newt out of the car. He
smiles at them benignly.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Two big assistants. This is good.
TIDMAN
(shocked, to Wally)
What a tremendous improvement.
(goes to the Professor-
as-Newt)
Can you say anything else?
THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
As I was saying to Bert and Mel, if
we relate the vector on a
parallelogram, allowing the azimuth
to intersect but not confirm the
dimensional factors contributing to
the parameters of the logarithmic
module, it won't necessarily be a
part of it.
Tidman turns back to Wally, almost relieved.
TIDMAN
Still an idiot.
He gestures to the Goons. One of them picks up the Professor-
as-Newt by the handle on his coat, the other takes his plaid
bag.
TIDMAN
Where's his sock?
(he shushes himself)
Never mind, let's not upset him.
(quietly to Horton-as-
Wally)
We've got duplicates.
Tidman is ready to lead the others into the Manor, when he
realizes Horton-as-Wally is still standing there.
TIDMAN
You didn't want to... come in, did
you, Wally?
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What did you say?
TIDMAN
(shocked, instantly
cowed)
I said, would you like to come in?
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What would I want to go in there
for? I got a home of my own, pal.
Horton-as-Wally coolly gets into the car and drives away.
Tidman frowns, perplexed, then escorts the Goons and the
Professor-as-Newt into the Manor.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY
Tidman leads the Professor-as-Newt, his feet barely touching
the floor, half-carried by Ike and Mike, into the grand foyer.
The Manor Staff is assembled like shock troops about to charge
enemy trenches. Some wear chest protectors, others shin
guards, a few carry cans of Mace and stun guns. The Professor-
as-Newt smiles at them with growing excitement.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(to Tidman)
If you could show me to my room I'll
start work immediately.
TIDMAN
(apprehensive)
What did you have planned, Master
Newt?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
As you know from my letters, I hope
to make a massive breakthrough. It
came to me while contemplating a
large, smooth concrete floors.
TIDMAN
Very good, Master Newt.
(aside, to an Aide)
Get Gordon Cole on the phone; I want
a complete inventory of all our floor
systems.
The Aid moves off, Ike and Mike start carting the Professor-
as-Newt up the grand staircase.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPANY "A" - DAY
A massive office building, across the street from and nearly
identical to Company "B". On the roof is a gigantic yellow:
"A"
The limo tears up in a series of short, brutal stops and
starts. Tremendous grinding SOUNDS, billowing smoke, the
throttle wide open, fan belt screaming.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
Get out quick before he kills us.
(screams at Bob)
NO MORE TEA! I'll speak with you at
home.
Mel and Bert quickly help Newt-as-the Professor out of the
limo. Newt-as-the Professor and the Trick Dog still cling to
each other. Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice is the last one out,
before the limo explodes backwards away from the curb, the
three Chefs and the Tap Dancing Bottle still trapped inside.
PASSERS-BY cover their ears at the excruciatingly deafening
SOUND of engine and tires.
CUT TO:
THE TAXI
Stopped across the street. The Taxi Driver hoses down his
flaming engine with a fire extinguisher, while Wally-as-Horton
takes out a pair of binoculars and looks through them...
INTERCUT:
WALLY-AS-HORTON'S POV - BINOCULAR MATTE
We see Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice, Mel, Bert and Newt-as-the
Professor enter a side door in the Company "A" building. The
door is flanked by two UNIFORMED GUARDS. Wally-as-Horton
moves the binoculars up to read the sign above the door:
C.A.N.A.P.E.
Center for Advanced
Nucleacly Arbitrary Permutation
Experimentation
A DIVISION OF COMPANY A.
Wally-as-Horton lowers the binoculars, puts them in his
pocket. He takes a matchbook and a pack of cigarettes out,
lights one up like a nerd version of James Dean, inhales
deeply, plunging himself into a spasmodic coughing jag. He
jettisons the cigarette into the gutter and while trying to
recatch his breath, he notices the printing on the matchbook:
"VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD"
A glimmer of confused memory flits across his features. He
reaches under his coat and gingerly scratches his rash.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE CORRIDOR - DAY
Bert and Mel follow Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice and Newt-as-
the Professor through automatic-opening, glass, sliding doors,
bordered in red suede. On the doors are the words:
C.A.N.A.P.E
TOP SECRET
As they move through the doors, CAMERA drifts to find Mr.
Posthole, the Company "B" spy, lurking in the corridor. He
smiles, as he watches them enter the clean room.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE CLEAN ROOM - DAY
Inside the "clean room" reception area are assembled the top
brass of Company "A", forming a reception line to greet them,
all gently bobbing their heads. The President, DELBERT
CORRIGAN, a young, dandified, old-money Ivy leaguer, gives
Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice a slightly strange look.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
Gentlemen, may I present Professor
Hugo Zinzermacher.
Polite applause. Newt-as-the Professor beams, still holding
the Trick Dog in one hand and his dirty, bulging sock in the
other. Delbert Corrigan steps forward to shake his hand,
accompanied by his young, blonde bombshell wife, SIMONE.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
Professor, I'd like you to meet the
President of Company "A", Mr. Delbert
Corrigan and his lovely wife, Simone.
Corrigan shakes Newt-as-the Professor's hand. Newt-as-the
Professor won't let go, happily pumping away.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
This is one of the proudest moments
of my life. I can safely say I speak
for everyone here when I tell you
that with you pulling your oar in
our shell we'll be at the mouth of
the Charles before you can sing three
bars of the Whiffenpoof song. Just
dandy.
(getting a little
uncomfortable)
What a darling little pooch.
(Newt-as-the-Professor
continues to smile
blankly and shake
his hand)
Do you know my wife, Simone?
Simone, in a devastating little Chanel number, steps forward.
SIMONE
(bad Radcliffe French)
Professor, je suis tres heureux a
faire votre connaissance.
She grips Newt-as-the Professor by the shoulders and kisses
him on both cheeks. His eyes light up like a pinball machine,
he rears back and throws a roundhouse right. Simon and
Delbert, using their good genetic reflexes, both shy back in
shock. The punch sails past them and lands squarely on Mel's
nose with a resounding SMACK.
Mel grabs his broken honker, tears squirt from his eyes. He
grabs the nearest wall and a piercing, high-pitched, one-
note wail of contained agony escapes from him. Mel turns
back around.
BERT
(stunned)
The Professor hit Mel.
Holding his nose, Mel turns back to them, in extreme pain
and feeling somehow responsible for it.
MEL
I must have provoked him.
Everyone else is still speechless.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
(looking around)
Can I pee?
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(trying to smile)
Yes, C.A.N.A.P.E.
(he refers to his
C.A.N.A.P.E. security
badge)
And please be assured, the Center
for Advanced Nucleacly Arbitrary
Permutation Experimentation is
absolutely thrilled to have you here.
Please, be assured of this.
Hiding behind her husband, eyes darting nervously, Simone
tries to light a cigarette, her hands shaking like a frog on
a hot plate.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Can I pee?
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(slight pause)
What is it, exactly, that you're
confused about?
Newt-as-the-Professor makes a fast beeline to the nearby
men's room, clearly marked with the following symbol:
Mel and Bert quickly confer.
MEL
That could explain a lot.
BERT
We should'a let him go when we got
off the plane.
They both quickly turn to Delbert Corrigan.
MEL
We should'a let him go when he got
off the plane.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
(also trying to explain)
One must continually bear in mind
that these geniuses are a queer lot.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(the "good sport")
I've a few eccentrics swinging from
my own family tree. If he delivers
the "massive breakthrough" he's
promised in correspondence, believe
you me, we'll put up with the best
the Professor can muster in the
Peculiar Behavior Department.
From inside the bathroom, we hear the Trick Dog happily
barking in a conversational way, as if talking to Newt-as-
the-Professor. A moment later the door opens and a big, black
puff of smoke rolls into the room.
CUT TO:
EXT. PENTAGON - DAY
The same stock shot.
CUT TO:
INT. SDI SECTION FOUR - DAY
A CORPORAL stares at the blinking red warning light we saw
earlier under the words:
"RANDOM COLL. DEEP SPACE EMISSION"
The Corporal flicks the bulb once or twice, makes sure it's
not malfunctioning. It continues to blink, unabated. The
Corporal takes out a key, unlocks a small box, opens it,
flicks the switch inside. The blinking red light turns green,
continues to blink, turns back to red, rotates and a small
telephone slides out of a panel beneath it. The Corporal
picks up the phone, without taking his eyes off the still
blinking light.
CORPORAL
(trying to remain
calm)
Put me through to Colonel Mofler...
(pause)
Colonel Mofler?... Corporal Gumm.
Sir, we've got a tuna on the line.
Yes, sir, a verified tuna.
CUT TO:
INT. COLONEL MOFLER'S OFFICE - DAY
Colonel Mofler sits at his desk, holding the phone.
COLONEL MOFLER
Thank you, Corporal. I don't need to
remind you this is Code Six...
He hangs up, grimly takes a key from his desk, inserts it
into a lock on the edge of his desk. The desk top slides
open, revealing a large red book emblazoned with the word:
"FISH"
Colonel Mofler pages through the book. We see subheadings
that read: "TROUT, HALIBUT, GROUPER, ANCHOVIE, MACKERAL". He
comes to a page that reads: "TUNA". He read something that
shocks him.
COLONEL MOFLER
Holy jumping George...
CUT TO:
INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY
GENERAL CONRAD stands at the head of the long conference
table. A pack of very cool Generals with the Right Stuff are
gathered around. A number of large, stuffed, mounted fish
adorn the knotty-pine walls.
GENERAL CONRAD
(high fury)
A TUNA!!?? A TUNA!!??
COLONEL MOFLER
(also standing, data
in hand)
Yes, Sir, prelim's indicate an
albacore...
GENERAL CONRAD
That's white meat!!!
COLONEL MOFLER
Yes, Sir; an emission.
GENERAL CONRAD
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THING
PEED!!!!????
COLONEL MOFLER
Yes, Sir, a contained pinpoint
emission somewhere in Friendly Delta
Forty.
GENERAL CONRAD
(covers his eyes in
despair)
FRIENDLY!! GAHHHH!!
(questions the others)
Delta? Delta Forty?
The other Generals calmly confer. The group's spokesman,
GENERAL THRASHER, turns to General Conrad.
GENERAL THRASHER
Kansas.
GENERAL CONRAD
It peed on Kansas? THAT THING PEED
ON KANSAS!!!???
COLONEL MOFLER
Sir... uh, should we notify, uh,
the, uh, Commander in, uh, Chief?
General Conrad looks at the red phone on the table in front
of him. He picks up the entire instrument and then bangs it
on the table with increasing intensity. The other Generals
don't move a muscle, brimming over with the Right Stuff
GENERAL CONRAD
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!
General Conrad does a backflip and lands heavily, out of
sight, with the SOUND of major fracturing. The other Generals
respond with slight head shakes, sympathetic whistles and
other small, compassionate gestures.
A GENERAL
(pause, calmly)
Mofler, call an ambulance.
CUT TO:
EXT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY
The wounded Taxi limps up to the door. Wally-as-Horton gets
out of the cab and cautiously enters the Rod.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY
Pearlescant stucco and a persistent South Seas motif;
weathered rope nets, varnished blowfish lamps, dusty spears
and shields. The CUSTOMERS, a hardboiled bunch of sleazy
criminal types, freeze in their tracks when Wally-as-Horton
enters and tentatively makes his way across the room; the
denizens part for him like the Red Sea. VINNIE, the short,
stocky, balding proprietor, behind the bar is the only person
who dares to speak to him.
VINNIE
Hey, Horton. What's happening?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
(stops, terrified but
handling it)
Not much. What's happening with you...
Vinnie?
He looks at Vinnie with some confusion.
VINNIE
(clearly frightened
of him)
Not much.
Wally-as-Horton nods and continues on. He passes a booth
full of four GANGSTERS, clearly a few notches tougher than
the bar's other customers. Their leader, JIMMY "CRAWLIN"
UNDERWOOD, a big Irishman, rises as Wally-as-Horton
approaches. Wally-as-Horton's knees shake and he smiles
politely. The whole room tensely watches the following
exchange.
UNDERWOOD
(timidly)
Me and the boys was wondering what a
guy named Mr. Biggs is doing up in
front of your apartment.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Why didn't you ask him?
UNDERWOOD
(self-deprecating
laugh)
Okay, Horton, sure, it's none of our
business, you know us, always lookin'
for a taste of the action.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Would you like me to ask him for
you, Mr. Underwood?
UNDERWOOD
(severe anxiety,
backing up)
No, no, come on, Horton, you know
us, we're not tryin' to muscle in,
you're the man, you call the shots.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
I'm going upstairs now.
UNDERWOOD
Sure, Horton, sure. So, same time
for drinks tonight, huh Horton?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Why not, Mr. Underwood?
They look at each other uncertainly. Wally-as-Horton exits
up a rear stairway and the room comes back to life. Underwood
returns to the table full of Gangsters.
GANGSTER #1
(an Italian)
What'd he say?
UNDERWOOD
(talking tough)
Something stinks, big. Pew. He kept
calling my Mr. Underwood.
GANGSTER #2
(a Black guy)
That's your name.
Underwood twists Gangster #2's nose.
UNDERWOOD
Mr. Schmaty Pants: my name's Jimmy!
That guy, maybe he's been on top too
long. Lemme tell you something; the
bigger they are, the harder they
fall.
(the Gangsters mutter
agreement)
Hey Vinnie, how 'bout a round a'
cheeseburgers?
GANGSTER #3
(a Mexican guy)
Con mucho queso.
The other Gangsters grunt their approval.
VINNIE
(in front of the open
fridge)
Sorry, gents, looks like we're fresh
outta cheese.
The Gangsters raise a ruckus, each in his own dialectical
style.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S SECOND FLOOR - DAY
Wally-as-Horton reaches the top of the stairs. Mr. Biggs
steps out of the shadows, flanked by two big BODYGUARDS in
Company "B" jumpsuits. Their heads are bobbing like Bert and
Mel's were before they peed at the airport.
MR. BIGGS
So? Has the deed been done?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
(fearfully thinking
on his feet)
I'm going to march right out there
and engage the enemy.
MR. BIGGS
Every second that genius' brain is
working for Company "A", a fog of
trouble engulfs our enterprise in a
cloud of uncertainty.
(moves closer)
One twenty-five cent bullet, Mr.
Thuraby, delivered in a timely
fashion, will spell victory for
Company "B"
WALLY-AS-HORTON
And I'll bet there's no butts about
it.
MR. BIGGS
I think we understand each other.
Mr. Biggs heads down the stairs, followed by his bobbing
Bodyguards. Wally-as-Horton quickly ducks into the door of
Horton's apartment.
CUT TO:
INT. HORTON'S APARTMENT - DAY
Wally-as-Horton shuts the door, leans back against it, gulping
air. He turns on a light and finds himself staring at two
huge gun racks, one for rifles, one for pistols. Wally-as-
Horton hyperventilates, terrorized. He takes off his jacket
and is shocked to see himself wearing an empty shoulder
holster.
CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY'S HOUSE - DAY
Horton-as-Wally pulls into the driveway in Wally's car. He
gets out, heads for the front door. We hear the ferocious
yapping of Gucci-Gucci the Pekingese and a moment later it
bursts through the underbrush and makes a beeline for Horton-
as-Wally. Horton-as-Wally turns and his gaze narrows
menacingly just as Gucci-Gucci leaps up at his face for the
kill.
In mid-flight, the look in Horton-as-Wally's eyes register
in Gucci-Gucci's little mind. Gucci-Gucci puts on the brakes
and stops in mid-air, inches from Horton-as-Wally's face,
lingers there a moment, then retreats along the same
trajectory, with a squeal of total capitulation.
Gucci-Gucci rolls over and surrenders, begging for mercy.
Horton-as-Wally snaps his fingers. Gucci-Gucci leaps up into
his arms and obsequiously slathers Horton-as-Wally's face
with Gucci-Gucci devotion.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(to Gucci-Gucci)
In China they eat dogs.
Gucci-Gucci freezes and puts its paws over its eyes.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Lucky for you we're not in China.
Horton-as-Wally drops Gucci-Gucci and enters the house. Gucci-
Gucci heels after him like a dog with a PhD from Rin-Tin-tin
University.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY'S HOUSE - DAY
Horton-as-Wally enters. With an Apache war whoop, Gordie
leaps around a corner, pointing a toy pistol at Horton-as-
Wally. With reflexes faster than a jungle cat, Horton-as-
Wally whips out his huge, chrome-plated .357 Magnum, puts
the barrel against Gordie's forehead and kicks his legs out
from under him. Gordie hits the floor like a sack of rocks,
Horton-as-Wally kicks the toy pistol away, puts his foot on
Gordie's neck and bends Gordie's nose back with the Magnum.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Didn't anyone ever tell you it's
dangerous to play with firearms?
Gordie is shocked into a semi-coma of terror, whimpering
like a lost baby seal. We hear Polly coming before she turns
the corner.
POLLY
Wally, did you remember to pick up
the cheese for the wine and cheese --
(she turns the corner
and sees them)
WALLY!!! GET OFF MY CHILD THIS
INSTANT!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! I'LL
KNOCK YOU INTO THE MIDDLE OF NEXT
WEEK!!!
Horton-as-Wally's head slowly turns towards her like a
robot's. His cold steel eyes meet hers.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What did you say?
POLLY
YOU ARE IN SERIOUS, SERIOUS TROUBLE,
MISTER!! I'LL SPANK YOUR BOTTOM SO
HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A --
Horton-as-Wally shoots out an arm with the speed of a cobra,
snares her adam's apple between his thumb and forefinger and
lifts her gently, sliding her up the wall.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
That's... enough.
She faints dead away. Gordie, afraid to move a muscle, watches
them out of the corner of his eye. Gucci-Gucci sits obediently
at Horton-as-Wally's feet, wagging its tail and smiling,
gazing up at him with blind adoration.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY
The wheels on the neon skate are revolving slightly faster
than the last time we saw them.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY
Country-waltz music. The rink has a few dozen skaters, all
pushing themselves forward with a strange and somehow familiar
bobbing motion. Over at the SKATE CHECK-OUT desk, a sweating,
beaming Big Tom is distributing skates to an eager crowd;
his ability to supply barely keeping up with demand. We hear
comments from the CROWD:
CROWD
(variously)
Boy, I haven't been skating in
years... you know I must have driver
by this place a hundred times and
this is the first time I even noticed
it was here... hey, Jane, you come
here often?... it's the strangest
thing; I was just standing there
holding the baby and I suddenly got
this urge to skate; I ended up
bringing the baby-sitter... I take a
nine, Big Tom...
Woody sits at the adding machine, ecstatically cranking out
numbers and banking cash.
WOODY
This is not bad business for a
Thursday.
RANDY'S VOICE
How many lumps, Woody?
WOODY
ONE!!! RANDY, ONE!!!
RANDY'S VOICE
One lump, coming up, Woody.
WOODY
(embittered, to himself)
Sure thing, Mister Memory.
CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK KITCHEN - DAY
A bunch of KIDS on skates are clustered around the snack
counter, all bobbing their heads. Randy is adding a lump of
sugar to a cup of coffee like Madame Curie handling uranium.
THE KIDS
Hey, Randy, six Beefy Cheese Louise...
man, I'm so hungry I could eat a
horse... me, too... me three and I
just ate lunch... me, too...
RANDY
How many?
THE KIDS
SIX!!
Randy nods and his head starts to bob, somewhat erratically.
He goes to the Beefy Cheese Louise fridge, opens it. The
patties are brown and naked. No cheese in sight.
Randy doesn't change his expression. He closes the fridge,
paces back and forth, reopens the fridge, looks at the
cheeseless patties again and makes a high whining sound.
We hear three loud beeps from a TRUCK HORN. Big Tom calls
out to Woody.
BIG TOM
Cheese truck's here.
WOODY
I got it.
Woody rises, starts towards the back. Randy stares at the
fridge, filled with the wonder of life.
RANDY
What a coincidence.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLER RINK LOADING DOCK - DAY
The Drivers are swinging open the rear doors of the cheese
truck. Woody's face falls when he looks inside. The Drivers
look at each other, then a Woody.
The truck is empty. No cheese. White wax paper printed with
the words "CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK" wafts in the breeze.
DRIVER #2
That damn truck was filled with
cheese.
DRIVER #1
Where's that much cheese gonna go?
WOODY
(fighting back panic)
You want to try to explain this to
me and a barnload of hungry skaters?
Out of the Drivers shakes his head, gently kicks a rock.
WOODY
HMMM??!!
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAY
We see a banner in the plaza in front of the building:
"WELCOME TO OUR 35 NEW
EMPLOYEES FROM LUBBOCK, TEXAS
35 NEW REASONS WHY 57 IS
NUMBER 1"
A dais is set up under the banner. A relentlessly cheerful
HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT is making a speech into a microphone,
to the Heinz EMPLOYEES gathered in the plaza.
HEINZ VP
(head bobbing slightly)
It's the start of a brand new tomorrow
today and what a beautiful day it
is. The sun is shining brightly on
Heinz 57. We've got the welcome mat
out today --
The microphone picks up a loud rumbling from the VP's stomach.
HEINZ VP
-- wo, 'scuse me, guess I'm running
on empty -- good thing for me we've
got the Welcome Lunch out, too.
(enthusiastic applause)
Good thing for me and for the thirty-
five new reasons why Heinz 57 is
Number One. Now I understand you
folks are all from Lubbock, is that
right?
We now see the thirty-five Chinese acrobats in their Chinese
red sweatsuits, standing at the front of the crowd. They all
rapidly confer in an obscure Chinese dialect, then a SPOKESMAN
steps forward and beams proudly.
SPOKESMAN
Rubbock.
Applause from the crowd.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE RIALTO THEATRE - DAY
A STAGEHAND bobs his head while plastering up a bill on a
wall outside the theater:
"OPENS TONIGHT
THE FABULOUS CHINESE ACROBATS
FROM THE FAR PROVINCES"
As he finishes a delivery truck pulls up. Lettering on the
side reads:
"LIGHTNING FAST CHINESE"
The non-Chinese Delivery Man gets out, carrying a very large
box of Chinese food in the familiar cardboard buckets.
STAGEHAND
Weren't you just here?
NON-CHINESE DELIVERY MAN
They phoned up for more.
Off screen we hear a horrendous screeching and squealing.
The Delivery man hurries across the street and enters the
theater. A moment later the Company "A" limo flies by,
lurching and bucking like a harpooned whale.
CUT TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY
The thirty-five, leisure-suited Texans are spread out all
over the stage, wolfing down Chinese food like there's no
tomorrow. Empty cardboard buckets litter the area. In b.g.,
the Delivery Man distributes more buckets from his big box.
THE TEXANS
(variously)
Damn; finish one a' these, two minutes
go by it's like I never et... stuff
sure don't stick to your ribs...
stuff's startin' to talk back to
me... this beer wash' it down real
good... 'question is, how far down's
it gonna go?... and will it stay
there, pa'dner... sompin' tells me
this stuff'll repeat on ya...
ROGER, the light-in-the-loafers Stage Manager minces on state,
bobbing his head in an esthetic way.
ROGER
(clapping his hands)
All right, girls, chop-chop --
(points to his watch)
Clockse say time for rehearsee, I'm
not getting any younger, the band's
paid by the hour - down with the
food, on with the tights --
The Texans stare at him balefully. A large one rises, puts a
hand on Roger's shoulder, towering over him and turns to the
group.
TEXAN #1
What do you think, boys? Should we
kill him?
ROGER
Ooh, quell macho behind the Bamboo
Curtain -- Roger read you loud and
clear, you angry Samurai; time to
zippee my lippee.
He mimes zipping and locking his lips, then throws away the
"key". Roger turns to the BAND, in the pit, and mouths the
words:
ROGER
Play something!
The Band lurches into a loony Chinese overture. As if
hypnotized, all the Texans drop their food containers, run
to prearranged spots on the stage, roll their socks up over
the bottom of their pants legs and bow to each other.
Half the troupe leans down and form stirrups with their hands.
The other half of the troupe take lumbering runs at them and
strain one foot up into the stirrup.
With agonized, muscle-ripping heaves, the runners are clumsily
lifted in unison a few inches into the air and fall as one
to the stage, landing on their backs like felled redwoods.
ROGER
Ooh.
CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON SITUATION ROOM - DAY
Doors open and General Conrad is wheeled into the room on a
mobile rig. The General wears a full-body cast, stuck in a
position like a freeze frame of someone being tossed into a
swimming pool.
The other Generals, seated as before around the table, give
low-key, respectful greeting. An AIDE stands behind each of
the Generals, holding a stack of computer printout data.
THE GENERALS
(variously)
Hey, Pappy... touch break... good to
see you back in the saddle... guess
you're gonna make that barbecue
Saturday, eh Pappy?
Colonel Mofler rises as General Conrad reaches the table, in
the middle of an extremely long slow burn.
GENERAL CONRAD
(low, angry, controlled)
Tell me about the fish.
COLONEL MOFLER
Sir, that tuna's been gaffed and
he's coming on deck now --
GENERAL CONRAD
What've we got!!
COLONEL MOFLER
(a look to the other
Generals)
Sir, luckily the emission was
confined.
(looks at the Generals
again)
Confined to the limits of one small
town.
(looks again)
Newtonville, Kansas.
Long pause.
GENERAL CONRAD
That's IT??!! We're talking about
fist piss, what the hell did it DO??!!
Mofler looks at the Generals again, then at his notes.
COLONEL MOFLER
Uh, possible impact on basic metabolic
processes. Negative, uh, infringement
on calcium and magnesium molecular
structures. Uh, very likely some
compulsive hyperkinetic rebalancing --
GENERAL CONRAD
CUT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TELL
ME, COLONEL, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE
PULLING UP ON DECK!!
Another look at the Generals.
COLONEL MOFLER
Well, Sir, there's one thing we can
say for certain; Newtonville sure as
hell isn't going to have any cheese.
Silence. General Conrad tightens. His face turns the color
of borscht. SOUND of plaster straining. Hairline cracks appear
up and down the General's body cast. Strangulated moaning
escapes from the General as the cast shatters and he falls
out of view like a man going through a trapdoor.
The Generals shake their heads in admiration. They clench
their cigars, summoning up the Stuff for the ordeal that
clearly lies ahead.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
In Gordie's room, Horton-as-Wally pounds the final nail into
the last in a wall full of professional looking gun racks.
The others are already loaded with Gordie's toy weapons.
Horton-as-Wally turns to Gordie.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Load 'er up.
Gordie loads the rest of his toys into the rack.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
How many rounds in a Luger magazine?
GORDIE
Nine, Sir.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What's the range on that Kalishnikov?
GORDIE
Accurate to three-hundred yards,
Sir.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Do you ever point a loaded weapon at
another human being if you don't
intend to use it?
GORDIE
No, Sir, never, Sir.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
That's good, Gordon. Tomorrow we're
going to talk about hand-to-hand
techniques. Now go tell your Mother
we're ready to eat.
GORDIE
Yes, Sir, I sure am hungry.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
You and me both, Junior.
Gordie exits happily.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT
As Horton-as-Wally enters, Polly, wearing a blond, plastic
neck brace, is setting out large amounts of food on the table,
where Gordie's eagerly seated, his head bobbing.
POLLY
(her voice strangely
Munchkined)
Wally, I don't appreciate one little
bit being told by Gordie that you're
ready to --
Horton-as-Wally sits down, calmly takes out his Magnum and
sets it on the table beside his plate. Polly inhales her
next word and immediately sits. Gordie stares directly at
Horton-as-Wally in a trance of admiration.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Dig in, Gordon. You'll need plenty
of energy when we go hand-to-hand.
Polly's impulse to interrogate is just barely contained by
her sheer terror. Gordie starts to eat, still gazing
worshipfully at Horton-as-Wally.
POLLY
Wally, you'll remember we're having
the wine and cheese get-together
tomorrow evening and I'll need you
to pick --
(he shoots her a look)
-- to remind me to pick up the wine
and cheese in the morning.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(nods, then to Gordie)
If we had some cheese, we could have
a wine and cheese party, if we had
some wine.
Gordie cracks up. He loves his dad so much now.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Son, you're bobbing like a boy who
needs a pogo stick. What do you say
we pick one up tomorrow?
GORDIE
(thrilled)
Gee, Dad, that'd be great -- what's
a pogo stick?
CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
A basketball court sized room, the ceilings almost out of
sight. The walls are covered with murals of animals and
fantasy lands. A gigantic, electric rocking horse sits in
the middle of the room, near a desk where Tidman is emptying
the contents of a large, grey sock in front of the seated
Professor-as-Newt. Ike and Mike are standing guard nearby.
The Professor-as-Newt stares at the objects analytically, on
the assumption they hold some hidden, symbolic significance.
TIDMAN
(puzzled)
Don't you recognize these items,
Master Newt?
The Professor-as-Newt looks at Tidman, as if to say, "Should
I?"
TIDMAN
These are the contents of your sock.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
My sock.
TIDMAN
That's right --
(picking each object
up)
This is your rock. This is your piece
of string. This is your pink rubber
pig. This is your record player and
your very own record. See?
Tidman puts the plastic record on the plastic, toy turntable
and turns it on; a frantic, emotional children's SONG plays.
Assuming this is all a test of his brilliance, the Professor-
as-Newt cocks his head like the RCA dog, listening intently.
He picks up the rock, scrutinizing it, measuring it with his
fingers.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(shrewdly)
Instantly I see a relationship to ze
string.
TIDMAN
(humoring him)
Yes. They were all in the sock.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
All in ze sock?
TIDMAN
All... in... the sock.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Ah, a frame of reference.
(putting it all
together)
The sock... is my universe. I'm going
to need a large chalkboard.
TIDMAN
Master Newt, you've come a long,
long way.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Halfway around the world.
TIDMAN
Yes. Of course
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - NIGHT
As the curtain opens on the small stage, BLACK MUSICIANS are
playing an introductory, three-chord blues riff. Jimmie
Underwood and his cronies are seated over drinks in their
booth at the back. Vinnie comes out on stage and takes the
microphone.
VINNIE
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me
great pleasure to introduce one of
the great legends of the blues, it's
his first visit here to the Lightning
Rod, direct from Gainesville, Florida,
the one and only Stompin' Machine,
Sammy "the Stomp" Johnson!
Round of applause, whistles. Jimmie and his group stomp their
feet and yell, heads bobbing in unison: the stomping spreads
around the room. The musicians start to stomp, the beat is
picked up and amplified by the bass drum. A spotlight hits
the stage and out stomps Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp, wearing a
baggy, blue-sequined suit, a purple pearlescent silk shirt,
white bucks and a black string tie. The audience immediately
accepts her at face value and the applause-o-meter shoots
into the danger zone.
Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp, sounding like a bizarro mixture of
B.B. King and Princess Di, skillfully sings a blues standard
with a great deal of conviction, passion and diction.
Through the beaded curtain at the back, Wally-as-Horton enters
the Rod, scans the room, spots Jimmie and company and makes
his way to their booth.
GANGSTER #3
Hey, Horton, where's Lorraine?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Lorraine?
Jimmie backhands Gangster #3 across the nose.
JIMMIE
What the hell business is it of yours
where she is?
(to Wally-as-Horton)
Guy's got a deathwish, huh Horton?
You gotta forgive a knothead like
this.
The Gangsters scrunch together to make room for Wally-as-
Horton to join them in the booth. They watch Alice-as-Sammy-
the-Stomp finish her number. Applause.
Under which, Lorraine teeters in on stiletto heels, dressed
in a clinging, cocktail sheath dress, with a slit up the
side halfway to Duluth. She leans down and gives Wally-as-
Horton a big wet kiss.
LORRAINE
Sorry I'm late.
Wally-as-Horton's eyes roll back, close to losing
consciousness.
LORRAINE
What are you doin' sittin' with these
creeps?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
They're going to give me a drink.
LORRAINE
You mean a Mickey.
JIMMY
Lighten up, Lorraine, you gonna stop
a man from buying a man a drink in
this oh-by-gosh-by-golly world?
LORRAINE
Who me?
(she sits)
JIMMY
If you're not gonna stop me...
(Jimmy winks at the
others)
...then I'm not gonna stop you. I
can't stop you. And if I can't stop
you, then --
THE OTHER GANGSTERS
(stupid singing)
-- "who'll stop Lorraine?"
On stage, Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp overhears the gangsters
and interpreting it as a request, launches the band into a
tight, explosive cover of CCR's "Who'll Stop the Rain?"
Jimmy raises his wine glass.
JIMMY
I'd like to propose a toast...
Wally-as-Horton, Lorraine and the other Gangsters raise their
wine glasses.
JIMMY
To Mr. Horton Thuraby, the fastest
gun in the west, with all good wishes
for continued success, especially in
whatever it is you might be doing at
the present time, which we have not
been let in on but tomorrow's a new
day...
They wait to see if he's finished. Wally-as-Horton leans way
forward, forms a perfect "O" with his lips, attaches his
lips to the glass and makes like the babbling brook. The
others look at him like he just flew in from Mars. He
continues to make the sound.
The Gangsters and Lorraine look at each other. Cautiously,
they all lean forward and duplicate Wally-as-Horton's wine
tasting technique. The band stops playing, all eyes turn to
the booth. The sound of the babbling brook continues.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT
Busier than before. A few happy SKATERS are seated at the
lunch counter, heads all bobbing. Holding a sheet of hamburger
buns like an accordion, Randy leans in uncomfortable close
to one SKATER.
RANDY
I was telling Big Tom I smell gas.
And I still smell gas.
Stripping receipts off the spindle nearby, Woody grimaces
and pulls on his hair.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT
Lorraine and Wally-as-Horton make their way up the stairs.
Wally-as-Horton is half in the bag, leading them in singing
a mutilated version of "Strangers in the Night". They stop
outside the door to Horton's apartment. Wally-as-Horton
extends a hand.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Well, this is where I get off.
LORRAINE
You and me both, you animal.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
(shaking her hand)
Thank you for a wonderful evening,
Laura.
LORRAINE
You clown -- oh, I see, you want to
play Perfect Strangers, I like this.
(she grabs his necktie)
Why don't you take me into your
apartment, Harley and let's see if I
can get that big engine of your's
started?
We HEAR a rapid thumping, increasing in volume and intensity
and Wally-as-Horton's shirt starts to kick out like he's
hiding a mule undergoing shock treatment in his chest.
She opens the door and pulls him by the tie into the dark
apartment. The door closes. From inside, we hear Wally-as-
Horton's heart beating faster.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAWN
The early morning sun illuminates the "Welcome to Newtonville"
sign. Parked behind the sign in his patrol car, Dougy
"Sherlock" Watson is catching some Z's. His head bobs slightly
in his sleep.
In the distance we hear the grinding and screeching of the
Company A" limo as it tears down the highway and roars past
the sign. "Sherlock" Watson wakes up like someone just poured
ice water in his shorts and sees the limo racing away. He
starts the engine, hits the siren and screeches out onto the
highway, bubble lights flashing, chasing the limo.
CAMERA holds on the sign. A few moments later, the patrol
car zooms back past the sign in reverse, the limo gaining on
his front bumper. "Sherlock" Watson testing the envelope of
landspeed-backwards travel.
The wretched whine of tortured engines fades. Lightning
strikes the desert in background. Moments later, what seems
to be a sandstorm erupts in the dry desert around the sign.
Descending into this maelstrom, we see a contorted, white
apparition attached to a harness on a cable; General Conrad,
in a new plaster body cast.
As he nears the ground, two troop carriers and a jeep speed
into frame, combat-ready GROUND TROOPS pour out and lower
General Conrad into a steel-tube scaffolding that allows him
to stand in the back of the jeep. He's strapped in, a
microphone in front of his face and large speakers on either
side of him.
During above, the Generals with the Right Stuff and Colonel
Mofler arrive in a fleet of staff cars and three more
transports disgorge three companies of Marines.
GENERAL CONRAD
(into the loudspeakers)
Fall out! Fall out! Secure the
perimeter of Newtonville! No one
gets in or out without my say-so!
Move, move, move!
CUT TO:
EXT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAWN
Songbirds. Peace. No one in sight.
CUT TO:
INT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAWN
An empty corridor. A blaring alarm starts filling the corridor
with sound. We hear frantic, running footsteps approaching
and moments later a panicked HEINZ EMPLOYEE comes into view
around a corner, screaming...
HEINZ EMPLOYEE
THERE'S NO CHEESE!!! THERE'S NO
CHEESE!!!
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE AREA - DAY
Carrying his sock and the Trick Dog, Newt-as-the-Professor
is escorted into a small, sparsely appointed laboratory by
Bert and Mel. In the room are a chalkboard, a box of chalk,
a chair and a periodic table of elements hanging on a wall.
BERT
These are all the things you asked
for, Professor.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Four.
MEL
(nose expertly bandaged)
For your work. You're sure there's
nothing else you need?
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Zero.
BERT
Okay, Professor.
MEL
We're going now.
BERT
We'll leave you to it.
No response. Bert and Mel exit.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE HALLWAY - DAY
Bert and Mel stop in the corridor.
BERT
He seems pretty preoccupied.
MEL
I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE LAB - DAY
Newt-as-the Professor looks at the closed door.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Newt-as-the Professor sits on the floor and opens his sock.
The Trick Dog sits beside him, watching attentively.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Zero.
He takes his piece of string out of his sock and lays it out
on the floor.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
One.
He takes his smooth rock out of the sock and sets it down a
certain, exact distance from the string.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Two.
We move off him towards a large mirror in the wall to his
left.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
In a room filled with whirring computers, the group of Company
"A" SCIENTISTS we saw earlier observe Newt-as-the Professor
through the one-way glass mirror. Some of them sit at computer
consoles, ready to input Newt-as-the Professor's every action
into their massive hard discs. Mel and Bert enter and stand
at the back of the room, near Sammy-"the Stomp"-as Alice.
BERT
This is what we've been waiting for.
MEL
To watch an authentic genius at work.
One of the Scientists shushes them. The group watches as
Newt-as-the Professor takes his plastic record player out of
the sock and carefully sets it down. Video cameras record
his every move.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
(through a speaker in
Room A)
Three.
They watch as Newt-as-the Professor takes out his record and
puts it on the turntable.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Four.
Newt-as-the Professor turns it on; we hear the same frantic
children's song we heard on the other record player at Newton
Manor. The Scientists look at each other, a little wide-eyed.
SCIENTIST #1
(reassuringly)
Looks like he's getting warmed up.
SCIENTIST #2
He's priming the pump.
SAMMY-THE-STOMP-AS-ALICE
(aside to Bert and
Mel)
That is one peculiar pump.
Bert and Mel look him/her up and down.
Newt-as-the Professor takes the pink, rubber pig out of the
sock and sets it down near the other objects.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Five.
Newt-as-the Professor opens the box of chalk, takes out a
piece of chalk and feeds it into the open hold in the pig's
mouth. He stands up and starts flying the pig around the
room in time to the music. He occasionally grazes the chalk
that extends out of the pig's mouth against the blackboard.
The Trick Dog starts jumping back and forth over the chair.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
Candy Pigs. Candy Pigs.
SCIENTIST #1
I'd heard his methods were unorthodox.
SCIENTIST #2
Stand by on computers; we'll have to
be on our toes... school is in
session.
The other Scientists nod in uncertain agreement.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE LAB - DAY
Newt-as-the Professor cruises around the room with the pig.
As he passes the periodic table on the far wall, we notice
an eyeball watching Newt-as-the Professor through the letter
"o" in the word "oxygen".
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE SECRET OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
The eyeball belongs to Mr. Posthole, the Company "B" spy,
secreted away in this tiny, dark space. He speaks into a
small transmitter hidden in his pen holder.
MR. POSTHOLE
Now he's simulating a kinetic flow
with the porcine symbol... my guess
is he's establishing a spatial vector
between the objects for the purpose
of conceptual comparisons...
(overwhelmed by the
"brilliance")
... my God, I can't believe what I'm
witnessing, tell Mr. Biggs he's shed
more light on Arbitrary Permutation
in the last three minutes than we
got in two years out in the bush
observing the Mystic Sufis --
(back to business)
Am I kidding myself, or does the dog
represent Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle?
CUT TO:
EXT. LUCKY BUCK'S USED CARS AND TRUCKS - DAY
A beautiful summer morning. Horton-as-Wally drives up, parks
beside the sales office and heads inside. He feels like
whistling and gets out a note before catching himself. He
enters the sales office.
CUT TO:
INT. LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - DAY
As Horton-as-Wally enters, Lucky Buck gestures to him from
behind his desk.
LUCKY BUCK
Soldier, First Bugle's at 0900 hours,
I'd like you to take a good long
look at your timepiece, bedbug, and
give me one good reason why I
shouldn't dock you three minutes
wages. You're a slacker, a slouch;
the original sadsack.
Horton-as-Wally, motionless, stares at this creature in
disbelief. A twinge of uneasiness filters down to Lucky Buck's
cortex but he shakes it off, crooks a finger and summons
Horton-as-Wally.
LUCKY BUCK
Walk that butt of yours right over
here. Private, I want to show you
what put me off my breakfast this
morning.
Horton-as-Wally, stoking a nuclear powered slow burn, ambles
over to the desk, under...
LUCKY BUCK
The most pitiful, the most sickening
and embarrassing sales record it's
ever been my misfortune to encounter.
We're talking court martial.
Dishonorable discharge.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What did you say?
LUCKY BUCK
(on micro-thin ice)
I said if this was Japan and I were
to hand you the hari-kari blade and
you were anything but the most
miserable excuse for a man in this
outfit --
HORTON-AS-WALLY
That's enough.
Horton-as-Wally reaches out, grips Lucky Buck by the Adam's
apple and puts him gently against the wall and speaks calmly.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
The things you've been saying and
this attitude you're expressing
towards me are unacceptable. You
will never do this again.
LUCKY BUCK
(up about two octaves)
I agree completely.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Fine. Let's sell some cars.
LUCKY BUCK
I'm all for it.
Horton-as-Wally releases Lucky Buck. Lucky Buck tells his
trembling, uncooperative facial muscles to smile, but the
result looks like the mouth of a catfish in a wind tunnel.
LUCKY BUCK
Thank you.
CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
Tidman enters, with Ike and Mike behind him. The Professor-
as-Newt sits at his desk, contemplating the contents of the
sock laid carefully out on the desktop, deeply lost in
thought. A large, blank blackboard stands at the ready.
TIDMAN
Good morning, Master Newt.
No response. The Professor-as-Newt doesn't budge, doesn't
blink.
TIDMAN
Sleep well, did you? Master Newt?
Master Newt?
Tidman touches the Professor-as-Newt's shoulder. The Professor-
as-Newt snaps out of his reverie and looks up at Tidman.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(instantly alert)
Vhat kind of day is it? Is it a cloudy
day? Or is it a pleasant day?
TIDMAN
It's a pleasant day, Master Newt.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
That's good.
(they smile at each
other)
You're the fellow who was in here
before.
TIDMAN
Yes, I'm Tidman.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Tidman. You'll understand if I return
to my work now.
He turns back to the desktop. Tidman looks at Ike and Mike,
sighs.
TIDMAN
Master Newt... it's time for your
morning bath.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(getting aggravated)
Please, kind sir, can't you see... I
am this close --
(holds up thumb and
forefinger)
-- this close -- these symbols are
swimming, swarming in my mind like
your bumblebees I've heard so much
about -- what pulls and pushes is
looking more and more like the
interwoven fibers of the SOCK!!
TIDMAN
(a pause, sternly)
Do you see your pig?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(thinking it's a clue,
excited)
Yes?
TIDMAN
You're just as dirty as a pig.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(eager to know more)
I am? What does this mean?
TIDMAN
It's time to see your Grandfather...
it's time for your bath.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(a new tangent)
Dirt... water... like a MEMBRANE!!
Tidman motions to Ike and Mike. They pick the Professor-as-
Newt up by the arms and carry him towards the door.
TIDMAN
Master Newt?
They stop. The Professor-as-Newt looks back at him.
TIDMAN
(holding it up)
Don't you want to bring your pig?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(considers)
Vell, yes. I suppose I do.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR BATH ROOM - DAY
Ike and Mike carry the Professor-as-Newt, who's cradling his
pig, into the Roman bath-sized room. Tidman follows. Ike and
Mike wear regular bathing suits and t-shirts. The Professor-
as-Newt is wearing a 1890's style bathing suit. Also wearing
the same style suit, GRANDAD NEWTON, an ancient, shriveled
version of Newt, stands unsteadily in the far end of the
steamy, swimming pool sized bathtub. On the back of both
their suits are the words:
"LONG DISTANCE SWIMMER"
Ike and Mike carry the Professor-as-Newt down steps into the
bath and drop him kitty-korner from Grandad. Tidman announces:
TIDMAN
Grandad, Master Newt is here.
Grandad looks at the Professor-as-Newt, shakes his head.
GRANDAD
That's not Newt.
TIDMAN
Don't be mean, Grandad, Newt's come
such a long way to see you. And I'll
bet he'd love to hear your record;
wouldn't you like to play it for
him?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
I would like to hear your record.
Does it have any bearing on the pig?
Or perhaps, dirt or a membrane of
some kind?
Grandad smiles warmly; he likes this guy even if it isn't
Newt and he's the only one who realizes it. Grandad reaches
out of the pool and turns on his plastic record player,
similar to the one from the sock. We hear a sweet, tender,
warm-hearted song. As it plays, Grandad takes out his own
pink rubber pig and starts to suds it up with a little brush.
The Professor-as-Newt watches him intently, smiling when
Granada smiles at him.
GRANDAD
Clean pig.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(aha, another clue)
A... clean... pig.
The Professor-as-Newt starts to scrub his pig. Using long-
handled brushes, Ike and Mike begin scrubbing down Grandad
and the Professor-as-Newt. Tidman steals behind a column and
sneaks a smoke.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
Moving off a clock that reads 12:33, we see Hank the Barber
exit the Barber Shop and move to the newsstand. He picks up
a newspaper and hands it to the Cashier.
CASHIER
The Hank, usual?
HANK THE BARBER
Bet you.
The Cashier takes the paper, opens the cash register drawer
and tries to stuff the newspaper inside. Meanwhile, Hank
unwraps a candy bar and smears it in a tight circle on his
forehead, near the third eye area. The Cashier takes out a
handful of nickels and dimes, holds out his arm and throws
the coins onto the corridor floor. The Barber and the Cashier
stare at each other with a look of complete blankness. The
Barber spins violently and storms back to the Barbershop.
Moving off them we find General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and
the other Generals observing the exchange. A SOLDIER
approaches, urgently.
SOLDIER
General, if you'd like to follow me.
GENERAL CONRAD
What is it?
SOLDIER
I think we've got a nibble.
They quickly follow the Soldier, Mofler and the other Generals
carrying General Conrad to the baggage claim area. The
carousel has been roped off and a number of SOLDIERS are
crawling around, carrying weird, Geiger-counter-like devices,
all glowing and emitting whooping noises.
GENERAL CONRAD
You smell that, Mofler?
COLONEL MOFLER
What's that, Sir?
GENERAL CONRAD
Tuna piss.
COLONEL MOFLER
Yes, Sir. Ground Zero.
GENERAL CONRAD
Mofler, you know what happens when
tuna goes bad?
Mofler nods, apprehensive, as the other Generals gather round.
GENERAL CONRAD
Gentleman, we've got twenty-four
hours to cook this fish before it
starts drawing flies from Washington.
I don't have to tell you who'll have
his barnacles scraped in drydock if
that happens.
CUT TO:
INT. LUCKY BUCKS USED CARS AND TRUCKS - DAY
The sales office is teeming with a crowd of anxious, head-
bobbing CAR PURCHASERS. Lucky Buck, in seventh heaven behind
his desk, is processing purchase agreements as fast as he
can write.
LUCKY BUCK
(over above, voice
still high)
Take a number, please... Lucky Buck'll
get to you lucky shoppers as soon as
he can...
CAR PURCHASERS
(variously)
I've got to have that car... Wally
said it was the car for me and I
think he was right!... I love that
car... Wally wants me to have this
car and I don't want to upset him,
he was quite insistent...
CUT TO:
EXT. LUCKY BUCK'S LOT - DAY
Horton-as-Wally walks a slow, rheumatic LITTLE OLD LADY firmly
by the elbow through the lot. As her head bobs, her eye is
drawn to a flashy, sporty convertible.
LITTLE OLD LADY
But I'm really kind of partial to
that one --
HORTON-AS-WALLY
No.
He stops her in front of a sensible, four-door sedan.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(finger in her face)
This is the car for you.
They Lady's eye's quiver. We hear a splashing on the tarmac.
We see a puddle forming between her orthopedic shoes.
LITTLE OLD LADY
(not eager to
disappoint him)
Where do I sign?
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY
Jimmie Underwood and the Boys sit around a table, over beers,
heads bobbing, deeply troubled.
JIMMIE
How can you tail a guy who don't go
out of his room?
MEXICAN GANGSTER
What are they doing up there?
They all punch him on the shoulders.
MEXICAN GANGSTERS
No, I mean, this ain't like Horton;
he don't mix business with pleasure.
JIMMIE
Horton's beginning to act like an
enigma.
The other Gangsters brush off their sleeves and pick lint
off their lapels. Mr. Biggs and his two Bodyguards are
eavesdropping on this conversation from the next booth. Mr.
Biggs gets up and moves to Jimmie Underwood.
MR. BIGGS
I couldn't help overhearing what you
gentlemen were discussing. I, too,
have concern with regards to the
behavior of Mr. Horton Thursby.
Perhaps we can find a path through
this thicket of doubt and confusion
to a golden pagoda of mutual
satisfaction.
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
You're Mr. Biggs.
MR. BIGGS
Indeed I am, Sir. Let's talk turkey.
MEXICAN GANGSTER
Con mucho queso.
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
There isn't gonna be any turkey or
cheese. Your deal's with Thursby.
MR. BIGGS
Until this moment. I consider it
void for non-performance of services.
Take Thursby out... and the deal is
yours.
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
One, two, three...
The gangsters all give the thumbs up sign on the silent count
of "four"
CUT TO:
INT. HORTON THURSBY'S ROOM
A clock reads: 2:00 PM. Wearing a smile as wide as the
Mississippi, Wally-as-Horton lounges between the sheets with
Lorraine. Wally-as-Horton sings her a little ditty. She
giggles like an adored and adorable schoolgirl.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
(picture Gary Cooper,
happy drunk)
Gosh, I think you're peachy/
And I'll bet you'd look real swell/
In a swimsuit at the beachy/
You really ring my bell/
Gosh, of gosh, oh gosh.
He pinches her nose, then holds up the tip of his thumb
between two fingers.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
If I keep this, will it start to
smell?
She giggles. He kisses her "nose" and puts it "back".
LORRAINE
Oh, Horton, this is the most romantic
day we've ever spent.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Oh gosh.
LORRAINE
If I feel anymore love I think I'll
just wiggle right out of my skin!!
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Awww. Me too.
She kisses him tenderly and quickly accelerating passion.
Wally-as-Horton's T-shirt starts thumping like a jackhammer.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRAZING PASTURE - DAY
A number of dairy cows stand in the field, moving their lips
and making an eerie, melodic yodeling. Moving over we find
General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals standing on
the edge of the field. Behind them, a mass of Soldiers are
standing by. One of the Generals looks through a huge pair
of binoculars. Colonel Mofler holds a tape recorder's
microphone towards the cows.
INTERCUT:
BINOCULAR POV
CLOSE on a big pair of yodeling cow's lips.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
Newt-as-the-Professor lays out the piece of string on the
floor, picks up the rock and bangs it up in down on the string
in time to the song on the record player.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE BUNKER - DAY
We see Newt-as-the Professor on a video monitor mounted on a
wall in Company "A"'s secret boardroom. Cinderblock walls,
low green fluorescent lights. The group of Scientists we saw
earlier observing Newt-as-the Professor are seated around
the table, watching the monitor with Chairman Delbert Corrigan
and his lovely wife, Simone. Bert and Mel are standing quietly
in the back near Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice. Everyone watches
the monitor intently, heads bobbing, as we hear the tap-tap-
tapping of Newt-as-the-Professor's rock. A plate of small
sandwiches sits in the middle of the table.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(watching the monitor,
dumbfounded)
Interesting. But, somehow, vague.
SIMONE
(cutting the bullshit)
What the hell is he doing? We paid
top dollar for this dimwit.
SCIENTIST #1
(cowed but unbroken)
Mrs. Corrigan, please, this is an
intuitive, rhythmic translation of
pure thought into interpretive
kineseology.
SIMONE
Oh please.
SCIENTIST #2
We think it's a code. We just haven't
cracked it yet.
SIMONE
I'll tell you what's cracked around
here, he is. He was cracked when he
got here.
DELBERT
Perhaps he was damaged in shipping.
At the back, Bert and Mel exchange an anxious glance. Mel
grimaces and draws a finger across his throat.
BERT
(nods, whispers)
Pink slips, Mel.
MEL
Time to update those resumes.
SCIENTIST #1
(showing scads of
print-outs)
Our data indicates he's in the process
of establishing the formula.
Still in time to the music, Newt-as-the-Professor is now
hitting the pig with the rock and jumping it down on the
string. Each time he hits it, the pig emits a high, sharp
squeak.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(trying to grasp it)
Ah, the frustration of the layman.
SCIENTIST #2
(trying to be helpful)
Might I suggest you read Smyth on
the encoding of natural processes in
syncopated Pygmy drumbeats?
Simone lets out a heavy, critical sigh and rolls her eyes.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(trying to sum up)
I think what Simone and I are trying
to say, old boys, is that we're
somewhat concerned, as anyone would
be after a cash outlay of this
magnitude, with no apparent return
other than these inscrutable, albeit
intriguing abstractions.
(loses his train of
thought)
Company "A" is behind you one hundred
percent.
(bites into a sandwich)
Cracking good sandwiches, these.
Sandwich, Simone?
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
MONTAGE: Whirring computers; on computer monitors, black and
white stills of the lab floor are overlaid with a grid,
computerized vectors compute distances between the objects
with calipers, feeding the data over microphone to programmers
at keyboards; a Scientist with headphones on analyzes the
music from Newt's record on computer.
In the secret observation room behind the element chart, Mr.
Posthole video tapes Newt-as-the-Professor through the peep
hole.
In another computer room at company "B", the video data from
Mr. Posthole's camera is on a big monitor, being analyzed by
Company "B"'s battery of computers.
CUT TO:
INT. EXT. TOY STORE - DAY
A SIGN READS:
"ZAP TOYS"
CUT TO:
INT. TOY STORE - DAY
Horton-as-Wally leads Gordie stand in front of the counter
where kindly old MISTER ZAP climbs up a tall ladder, pulls a
pogo stick down off a shelf and blows off a thick layer of
dust.
MISTER ZAP
(still on the ladder)
Yep. Haven't sold one of these things
in years. Got a back order died on
the shelf. Been clogging up my
inventory since '59. Used to be I'd
see kids bouncing all over Main Street
on these things.
(getting carried away)
Wished I had a nickel for every one
of these I saw bouncing by my window.
Could'a sold this old shop. Could'a
moved up ta Granny's farm 'fore the
rheumatism took her. Yep, I --
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(no good can come
from this)
That's enough.
At 8 fps, Mr. Zap zips down the ladder and rings up the sale.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOY STORE - DAY
Regular speed. Horton-as-Wally watches with a smile as Gordie
hops on the stick and bounces away down Main Street. A couple
of head bobbing KIDS spot Gordie and are thunderstruck with
desire for a stick of their own.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLER RINK - EVENING
Sun set over the big skate. The exterior lights come on. The
parking lot is jammed with cars and would-be skaters.
CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK - EVENING
In front of the empty skate dispensing shelves, Big Tom,
Woody and Randy stare in amazement at the rink, packed solid,
shoulder-to-shoulder with happy skaters, a mass of human
flesh traveling around and around.
WOODY
(incredulous)
This is great business, even for a
Friday.
BIG TOM
Pinch me, Woody, I think we're
dreaming.
WOODY
(has to worry about
something)
Who are these people? They look like
total strangers.
RANDY
(at his most insistent)
Big Tom. I still smell --
Woody clamps a hand over Randy's mouth.
BIG TOM
Oh, the sound of many skates on wood.
CLOSEUPS of many skates thunderously wheeling around the
rink.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY HORTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Horton-as-Wally scrutinizes pairs of polyester-clad GUESTS
entering the house for the wine and cheese party, each
carrying a bottle of wine. Polly greets them at the door and
they all pointedly ignore Horton-as-Wally.
GUESTS AND POLLY
(variously)
We were so fortunate to find this
last dusty little bottle... Ted's so
silly he thought Neuf de Pape was
the sound champagne made when you
opened it... we thought you'd like
this adorable burgundy... I've read
about it; it's ingratiating without
being impudent...
Polly glances over at Horton-as-Wally. He's just turned the
heat up on his slow burn.
CUT TO:
INT. RIALTO THEATER - NIGHT
Thunderous applause from the packed house, among them some
soldiers, watching strategically. A spot comes up on Mayor
Billy Benson as he walks out on stage. Watching from a gold
circle box on the mezzanine level are General Conrad, Colonel
Mofler and the other Generals.
MAYOR BILLY BENSON
Thank you, thank you and welcome,
one and all.
(his hand is bobbing
erratically)
Before I introduce the illustrious
Chinese Acrobats I have an important
announcement to make.
(the crowd hushes)
During the last twenty-four hours I,
Mayor Billy Benson, have struggled
mightily with the questions and issues
weighing heavily on all our minds in
these, our troubled times. Ladies
and gentlemen, Atlas did not shrug.
GENERAL CONRAD
(whispers to Mofler)
Where's my bozo gun?
MAYOR BILLY BENSON
And so it is tonight, with a heart
filled with joy and promise, that I
am announcing my candidacy for the
office of President of these United
States of America.
Dead silence. Benson twitches, salutes sharply and strides
off.
GENERAL CONRAD
Drop a net on that one, Mofler.
COLONEL MOFLER
He's got trout farm written all over
him.
The band strikes up the Chinese overture. Lights dim. Curtains
open. To tumultuous applause the thirty-five Texans stride
out and take a bow.
GENERAL CONRAD
(squinting)
Kind'a big for Chinese.
COLONEL MOFLER
Maybe the stage is small.
A steady drum bead-roll, the Texans scramble back and,
paunches straining, begin to form a massive, five-tiered
human pyramid.
Roger, the stage manager, watches from the wings, crossing
all his fingers and biting a nail, as his head bobs.
The men of the last tier climb precariously up to complete
the clumsiest and least graceful human pyramid in recorded
history. The bottom tier starts to shake and shimmy; the
keystone Man's knees start to buckle. The tiers sag inwards
towards the middle. With a look of eye-popping strain, the
keystone Man farts. A split-second later, another first-tier
Texan rips a cheese-cutter and the Pyramid collapses like a
dynamited housing project.
ROGER
(averting his eyes)
Chinese food. Ix-nay on the Chinese
food.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S BACKSTAIRS - NIGHT
Wally-as-Horton and Lorraine come down the stairs, happily
glued to each other. They enter the main room of the Rod.
CUSTOMERS are wolfing down huge portions of Vinnie's bad
food. Jimmie and the Gangsters, seated at a table in the
middle of the room, all rise, apprehensive, on edge. Vinnie
approaches.
VINNIE
Evening, Horton.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
(happily)
Evening. We're starved!
LORRAINE
For food, that is, but not for
anything else.
VINNIE
Two deluxe dinners, coming right up.
(he moves off)
JIMMIE
(strained)
Have a seat with us, Horton. We've
got plenty of room.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Gee, thanks, Mr. Underwood.
The other Gangsters back away from the table, as Wally-as-
Horton and Lorraine take a seat. Vinnie sets down two sticky
plates full of undifferentiated sludge.
VINNIE
Buon appetito!
(he moves off)
The other Gangsters sit down again. Wally-as-Horton feels
some tension and starts to get nervous. Jimmie Underwood
moves behind Wally-as-Horton into the shadows. High
violin/rash music fades in, as Wally-as-Horton's rash starts
to bedevil him. He moves his left are uncomfortably as he
starts to eat.
LORRAINE
(picking up on the
danger)
Horton, something's not right.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Yeah, this food is terrible.
LORRAINE
No. Where's Jimmie?
Behind them, in the shadows, Jimmie Underwood slowly draws a
pistol from his jacket. His itch intensifying, Wally-as-Horton
reaches into his jacket to scratch his rash. The Other
Gangsters dive lean back, expecting the worse. As Wally-as-
Horton scratches his rash he accidentally discharges the
Magnum in his shoulder holster. BANG!
The bullet shoots a hole in Wally-as-Horton's jacket,
ricochets off the metal chairleg, flies up and knocks the
gun out of Jimmie Underwood's hand. Wally-as-Horton spins
around. The other Gangsters dive under the table and the
rest of the room takes cover.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Oh geez, Mr. Underwood, I'm so sorry,
are you okay?
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
(reduced to a
whimpering mass)
Go ahead, finish me.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Was you dinner that bad, too? I could
cook better than that. In fact I
could cook a lot better than that.
LORRAINE
(puzzled)
You cook?
Silence. The other Gangsters stare at him in bewilderment
and fear.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Well... yeah, I cook.
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
(frantically looking
for a foothold)
You cook? cook, too.
ITALIAN GANGSTER
You guys cook? So do I.
BLACK GANGSTER
No kidding? I love to cook.
MEXICAN GANGSTER
Yo, tambien. Con mucho queso!!
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
I was always kind's afraid to say
so.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Hey, there's nothing wrong with
cooking.
LORRAINE
Some of the world's greatest cooks
are men. Maybe Vinnie will let you
boys cook something.
CUSTOMERS
(variously)
Anything'd be better than this slop...
let 'em cook... hey, Vinnie, let 'em
cook!
(stomping as they
shout)
Let them cook! Let them cook! Let
them cook!
VINNIE
(happily joining in
the chant)
They can cook! They can cook!
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
(offering a hand)
Whadda ya say, Hort?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Let's cook!
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The entire room full of Guests, and Polly, are doing the
"babbling brook". Horton-as-Wally watches them in disgusted
disbelief. A Guest with thick glasses turns to Horton-as-
Wally.
THICK-GLASSES GUEST
You're very quiet this evening, Wally.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Yes I am.
DICK, a big, mean Sportsman, has heard this exchange.
DICK
I suppose it's a little past your
bedtime, huh Wally?
HORTON-AS-WALLY
No. I just want to make sure Polly
enjoys her party.
Within earshot, Polly smiles, enormously pleased, then starts
offering a tray full of turgid treats around the room.
POLLY
Cheese substitute? Cheese substitute?
A Second Sportsman Guest, HAL, slightly looped and smelling
a bit of fun, moves next to Dick, near Horton-as-Wally.
HAL
Dick and I were wondering if you'd
sold your first car yet, Wally.
DICK
Yeah, how long you been working there,
'bout fifteen years now, isn't it?
You're headed for the Guiness Book
of World Records there, Wally boy.
A moment of tense silence.
POLLY
Dick, I'll have you know Wally's
sold almost every car on the lot in
the last two days.
HAL
There's a sucker born every minute
and even a sucker can get a driver's
license.
POLLY
(a bit aglow: can it
be love?)
Well, I'm very proud of Wally. Lucky
Buck's make him a full partner.
DICK
I guess Lucky Buck threw himself on
too many grenades.
POLLY
(sees the bumblebees
in Horton's eyes)
Dick? Are you trying to provoke Wally?
DICK
Full partner? Selling cars? Is Polly
weaning you, Wally boy?
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Excuse me?
DICK
Thought for sure there'd be a little
rubber nipple on your glass there
tonight. You know; per usual.
A buzzing like twelve cubic yards of killer bees fills the
room. A row of nervous female GUESTS "babble brook" their
wine.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What did you say?
DICK
You heard me, Wimpy --
Horton-as-Wally throws a six-inch uppercut that puts Dick
twelve block down on "Queer Street". Hal moves three
centimeters towards Horton-as-Wally and one punch later finds
himself on the floor, looking for his eye-teeth.
In one fluid motion Horton-as-Wally whips out the Magnum and
fires a single shot down the row of female Guests, severing
the stem of their wine glasses. The wine empties onto the
carpet like sand through an hour glass.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Goodnight.
At 8 fps the room empties out the front door. Returning to
normal speed, Horton-as-Wally holsters the Magnum. Polly
points a not-entirely-angry finger at him.
POLLY
Wally Newton!
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(responding in kind)
Polly Newton!
He grabs her, spanks her once playfully. She spanks him back
and giggles. He throws her over his shoulder and marches her
upstairs to you-know-where.
CUT TO:
INT. GORDIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Little Gordie sleeps peacefully, a blissful smile on his
face, as he cradles his precious pogo stick.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD KITCHEN - NIGHT
Wally-as-Horton and Jimmie Underwood are the boys are all in
aprons, laboring over different pots and griddles, each
eagerly preparing his own specialty, moving in and around
each other with precision choreography, taste-testing,
pondering, adjusting ingredients. Lorraine is working as
Wally-as-Horton's spice gofer.
Vinnie comes back into the kitchen, carrying a huge stainless
steel baking tin.
VINNIE
This one big enough, Horton?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
That should do it, what do you think
boys?
The others nod and continue cooking. Vinnie stands around
like a fifth wheel.
VINNIE
So, how's it coming along?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Vinnie, Vinnie don't bug us. We're
working on something that's never
been done before, ever.
(to Lorraine)
Lorraine, a dash of cardomon seed.
(Lorraine complies)
VINNIE
Sounds expensive.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Yes it is. We're not gonna lie to
you, Vinnie, but we pull this off
and the Michelin people are gonna
need an extra star to rate this joint.
VINNIE
Gee, that's great. Kind of a Meals
on Wheels sort of situation, what
with the tires and the food and all.
Wally-as-Horton and Jimmie Underwood look at each other.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Not the tire company, Vinnie, this
Michelin is a snob outfit that rates
swanky restaurants and when we're
finished you're goin' right to the
top of the list.
VINNIE
Wow.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Now if you can't stand the heat get
out of the kitchen, Vinnie.
VINNIE
Boys, you ever see a man my age do
something like this?
He reaches up, grabs the pot rack and does a one-arm chin
up. They stare at him.
CUT TO:
INT. RIALTO THEATER - NIGHT
The stage is littered with broken crockery. A leisure-suited
Texan, socks pulled over his pants to his knees, holds two
plates high in the air.
General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals, some of
whom are dozing, stare on from their box, drifting into a
surrealistic haze.
Drum roll. A fat Texan swings in from the wings, hanging
from a trapeze by his knees. He makes a grab for the plates,
missing by a good fifteen feet before swinging out of view
on the other side of the stage. We hear a faint BARKING from
that direction. The Texan on the trapeze zips back into view,
twice as fast, zips back again even faster, out of sight.
Pause.
Off screen we hear a cacophony of trash cans and other high
quality off-screen crash noises. The empty trapeze swings
back in and comes to a stop above the motionless Texan,
holding the plates.
The violin section of the orchestra stands and executes a
strange, stringed tremolo.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Wally-as-Horton and each of the other Gangsters, wearing
large mitten pot-holders, holds the pot that contains each
of their specialities over the large baking tin. Lorraine
stands by, holding a small container of spice.
JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
Give the word, Horton; all our
specialities are ready.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Boys, I have a feeling what we're
doing in this kitchen tonight could
change the course of cooking history.
BLACK GANGSTER
The aromas themselves are already
intermingling in a way that makes me
dizzy with excitement.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
On three. One... two... three...
They all pour their specialties into the baking tin, a
bubbling cauldron of hot food.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Go, Lorraine
Lorraine dumps the spice into the mix. The mix appears to
turn combustible; a cloud of smoke appears and we hear a
sound like soft, continuous surf, punctuated by small popping
noises. They wave away the smoke and see that the tin is
packed with small, attractive green pies.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR HALLWAY - TIDMAN'S POV - NIGHT
Creeping down a hallway, toward Ike and Mike, stationed on
either side of the door to the Rocking Horse room. As we
approach we hear the SOUND of chalk racing over blackboard.
Carrying a healthy rum toddy, his fourth, Tidman, in nightcap,
flannel nightshirt and slippers nods to Ike and Mike. Mike
cracks open the door and we catch a glimpse of the Professor-
as-Newt scribbling away at a massive blackboard.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(to himself, as he
writes)
One... clean... pig.
TIDMAN
(tipsy, nearly won
over)
No lack of energy, our Newt.
Mike closes the door.
TIDMAN
First thing tomorrow move in those
extra chalkboards he asked for. Give
him whatever he needs; this is the
first constructive thing Newt has
ever done, we must do all we can to
encourage him.
(a sudden terrible
thought occurs, which
he makes light of)
Let's hope he's not designing a bomb.
Tidman toddles away down the corridor, humming snatches of a
Cole Porter tune.
CUT TO:
INT. THE MCNABB HOUSE - NIGHT
Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice sits in a veddy English Parlor,
wearing a flannel nightgown, robe and slippers, sadly sipping
a cup of tea. We hear screeching engines, horns and sirens
approaching. Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice rises, moves to the
curtains, parts them and looks out.
INTERCUT:
EXT. THE MCNABB HOUSE - NIGHT
Bob McNabb, lurches up near the curb in the Company "A" limo,
trying to stop, which he's able to do only long enough to
make a shaky wave towards his house's window before he's off
again like a bullet, flames shooting from the tailpipe.
Moments later "Sherlock" Watson follows in his patrol car
and close behind him are a couple of Army jeeps.
Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice dabs at his eyes with a
handkerchief and slowly closes the curtains.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DESERT - MORNING
At sunrise, Mayor Billy Benson wanders across the desert,
holding a portable tape player playing "Hail to the Chief"
CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - MORNING
A beautiful morning. Gordie bounces by on his pogo stick.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Birds chirp. Sun pours through the window and Gordie's smiling
face is visible as he bounces by. Polly lounges luxuriously
in bed, sipping coffee. Her smile and the gleam in her eye
tell us she's woken up a new woman, as she watches Horton-as-
Wally curling a barbell in his sleeveless T-shirt and boxer
shorts.
POLLY
(dreamily)
Wally, Wally, Wally.
Horton-as-Wally winks at her as he continues to pump. Polly
sighs contentedly.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
All the Scientists are assembled, watching the computer disc
drives whirring at supersonic speed, giving off a high-pitched
whine. Then one by one, like cherry tumblers clicking into
place on a slot machine, each computer stops. On each monitor
is the readout:
"3.1416"
The Scientists are stunned and amazed.
SCIENTIST #1
Gentlemen, all roads lead to Rome.
MEL
Three point one four one six.
BERT
What the heck is that?
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
That means "pi", which is a magical
number having to do with the
relationship between the diameter of
a circle and its circumference.
SCIENTIST #2
(calmly raising an
alarm)
Has anyone seen the Professor?
All eyes turn to the one-way glass: Newt-as-the-Professor is
no longer in the room. The cover of an air duct had been
pried loose.
MEL
Oh geez, he's gone into a duct.
BERT
(mobilizing)
We'll need a blueprint of the whole
system.
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
Get Gordon Cole on the phone.
Delbert Corrigan and his lovely wife Simone saunter in.
Everyone stops, trying not to look concerned.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Morning all.
EVERYONE
Morning all.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Simone and I just stopped in for a
juice and seltzer and, of course it
couldn't have been but we thought we
saw the Professor in the cafeteria.
EVERYONE
(slight pause, then,
variously)
The cafeteria! He's in the cafeteria!
They stampede out of the room at 8 fps, leaving Delbert and
Simone alone.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Perhaps it was him.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CAFETERIA - DAY
The stampede comes to a skidding halt just inside the door.
Newt-as-the-Professor sits alone at a table across the room,
happily eating a huge slice of blueberry pie. The Trick Dog
sits on the table in front of him, on its hind legs, begging.
SCIENTIST #1
Pie... pi. Gentleman, we're on the
right track.
SCIENTIST #2
(in awe)
It's almost as if he's toying with
us.
BERT
(aside to Mel)
He must've been pretty hungry.
MEL
We could've gotten him something.
Newt-as-the-Professor takes the pink rubber pig from his
pocket, dips his napkin in ice water and begins to clean the
pig.
NEWT-AS-THE-PROFESSOR
Clean... pig. Clean... pig.
Scientists 1 and 2 look at each other, thinking hard.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
Blackboards, filled with mathematical scrawlings, line the
room. Covered in chalk dust, hair in wild disarray, aflame
with the white heat of creative genius, the Professor-as-
Newt writes away on the last board. Seated in a wheelchair,
beside the two record players which are each playing one of
the records, Grandad Newton watches the Professor-as-Newt.
Ike, Mike and Tidman watch from a portable bar, where Tidman,
for fortify himself against the jarring musical confluence,
is mixing a second pitcher of martinis.
The Professor-as-Newt stops to listen to a passage in the
music, then writes another equation. The records both end.
THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Again!!
Grandad happily starts both records again. Tidman sighs and
pours himself a triple. The Professor-as-Newt waits for the
music to catch him up, then writes another equation. He looks
at what he's written:
"II x PIG^2 x C = (BOB)"
THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Stop the music!!
Grandad takes the needles off the records. Silence. Without
his feet leaving the floor, the Professor-as-Newt bounces
his butt down onto the floor, then bounces back up into the
air, his legs stretching like rubber bands.
THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Eureka!!!
Tidman lifts his martini glass then drains it.
TIDMAN
Eureka.
Grandad tugs on Tidman's sleeve, points to the Professor-as-
Newt.
GRANDAD
That's not Newt.
TIDMAN
Remember he was struck by lightning,
just like you were, Grandad.
Grandad nods and makes two lightning gestures with his hand.
THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Tidman!!
TIDMAN
(weaving slightly)
Standing by, Master Newt.
THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(frantically writing
on a pad)
I'm going to require a few additional
items.
TIDMAN
Very good, Sir.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR HALLWAY - DAY
Tidman is on the phone, another martini in his hand, reading
from the Professor-as-Newt's list.
TIDMAN
-- no, those are one inch alloyed
plates... in the titanium, yes...
fourteen gallons of liquid...
liquid...
(squinting)
...would that be nitrogen? Yes, liquid
nitrogen. One thirty-thousand cubic
foot porcelain-lined steel tank.
Thirty eight pounds of uranium --
are we building a bomb? That's very
amusing, sir --
(a high, rouge panic
runs through him)
-- oh you do have it? How convenient
yes, then we'd also like the strontium
15... six barrels... yes, the large...
no, I think that's everything -- oh,
yes, one semi-conductor fero-electric
solenoid capacitor kit --
(finishes his drink)
-- and throw in a fifth of Gordon's...
this afternoon? How marvelous. Bye
CUT TO:
INT. HEINZ 57 HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Colonel Mofler and the Generals carrying General Conrad,
enter the lobby of Heinz 57 and approach the CHINESE WOMAN
at the reception desk. Another Caucasian HEINZ EMPLOYEE is
standing at a nearby filing cabinet.
CHINESE WOMAN
Herro, Gentremen, how may I herp
you?
COLONEL CONRAD
Missy, you can tell the President of
this outfit that General Conrad and
a few of the Joint Chiefs are here
to see him and he better get out
here, pronto.
CHINESE WOMAN
Light away, Sirl.
She jumps up from her chair and does a series of backflips
into an inner office. Pause. A moment later, we hear a
whoosing SOUND approaching from down a corridor in the
background; a CHINESE MAN, holding a file, flips his way out
of sight, down the hall. Moments later, another CHINESE WOMAN
sails by, holding onto a wire with her teeth.
The Officers all look at each other and smoke their cigars.
The Heinz Vice President we saw earlier comes out of the
inner office, accompanied by a MALE CHINESE ASSISTANT, doing
cartwheels.
HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT
Officers, what can I do for you?
GENERAL CONRAD
How do you do. We heard you had some
trouble up here with your new
employees.
HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT
Trouble?
(chuckles)
If you call a 45% increase in
productivity trouble, we've got plenty
of it. This is one of our new
employees and I can safely say he's
one of the best assistants I've ever
had.
GENERAL CONRAD
Mind if I ask him a few questions?
HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT
Go right ahead.
GENERAL CONRAD
(smiles at the Chinese
man)
What's your name, son?
CHINESE MAN
Flank Loberlts.
GENERAL CONRAD
(to Mofler)
What'd he say?
COLONEL MOFLER
He said his name was Frank Roberts.
GENERAL CONRAD
Well, Frank, where you from?
CHINESE MAN
Rubbock... wellr, neal Rubbock, 'bout
twelve mires as the clow fries.
GENERAL CONRAD
(eyes narrowing)
And you're a citizen of these here
United States of America?
CHINESE MAN
Boln and bled.
General Conrad bites through his cigar. We hear a slurping
sound. The Chinese Receptionist is back at her desk, eating
a big bowl of chili.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
A SIGN READS:
"NICKOLAI TESLA ELEMENTARY SCHOOL"
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY
A number of kids are bouncing around on pogo sticks. Gordie
is showing a couple of them how to work their pogo sticks,
when he's suddenly pushed down from behind.
VICTOR EICHORN
What are you doing, pogo-wimp?
VICTOR EICHORN, the class bully, stands over Gordie and grabs
his pogo stick, flanked by two of his little HENCHMEN. Other
kids start to gather around, heads bobbing. Gordie stands
back up.
GORDIE
I like to pogo. Pogoing is cool.
VICTOR EICHORN
You're stupid. Where'd you get this
stupid thing?
GORDIE
My dad got it for me.
VICTOR EICHORN
Your Dad's the biggest wimp who ever
lived, everyone knows that.
GORDIE
That's a lie -- give it back.
VICTOR EICHORN
Why don't you make me, pogo-wimp?
GORDIE
I'm warning you; I know hand-to-hand.
Victor and the Henchman chortle menacingly. One of the
Henchmen kneels behind Gordie, the other Henchman steps
forward to push Gordie backwards. Gordie sidesteps the push
and tosses one Henchman over the other.
VICTOR EICHORN
Oh yeah?
Victor steps forward and tries to punch Gordie; Gordie
expertly flips him onto his back in the sandbox. The other
kids cheer.
OTHER KIDS
Yeah!
A thin, nasty teacher, MISS HENKE, appears out of nowhere
and grabs Gordie by the ear, twisting it viciously.
MISS HENKE
It looks like I'm going to have to
make an example of you, Gordon.
GORDIE
He started it --
MISS HENKE
Don't start with your crying and
whimpering, an ugly trait you
inherited from your father.
(dragging him towards
the school)
Maybe we can beat it out of you.
CUT TO:
INT. GORDIE'S CLASSROOM - DAY
We see the whole fifth grade class seated, facing the front.
WHAP! Gordie is leaning over Miss Henke's desk, while she
wields two rulers taped together on him. WHAP! Gordie
stoically bears the punishment. WHAP! Victor and his Henchman
smile sadistically.
GORDIE
I told the truth. This is unfair.
MISS HENKE
Life... is unfair.
(WHAP!)
GORDIE
I'm going to have to tell my Dad
about this.
MISS HENKE
Good. You tell him to come see me. I
can use this on even bigger babies.
And I've got a hankie for when big
babies cry.
(WHAP!)
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY
A fleet of Army trucks and SOLDIERS surround the barn. The
wheels on the big skate are revolving so fast that real sparks
are shooting out with the neon ones. A tremendous roar rises
out of the barn.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY
General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals watch the
solid mass of skaters moving around the rink. Big Tom and
Woody are in a quietly ecstatic state of euphoria. The noise
from the skate on the rink is nearly deafening. General Conrad
notices that small sprays of sawdust are being thrown up
from the hardwood rink.
CUT TO:
INT. LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - DAY
Horton-as-Wally is on the phone, the slow burn turned up to
boil.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
What do you mean tomorrow, Gordie?
You tell her I'll be there in ten
minutes... you bet I believe you,
son, you did the right thing.
He hangs up, turns to Lucky Buck, busy with a bunch of
CUSTOMERS.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Is there a fruit stand nearby?
LUCKY BUCK
(still Munchkined)
Yes, Sir, one block, left face,
forward march about four doors down.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
I'll be back.
CUT TO:
EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
A car zooms up, parks next to the school and a seething Horton-
as-Wally gets out and strides towards the classroom building,
carrying a small paper bag.
CUT TO:
INT. GORDIE'S CLASSROOM - DAY
Gordie is standing in the corner, facing the wall. Horton-as-
Wally kicks the door open; Miss Henke and the class are
stunned. Horton-as-Wally goes right for Miss Henke.
MISS HENKE
What is the meaning of this? You
can't just barge in here like --
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(a finger in her face)
That's enough.
Horton-as-Wally picks her up with one hand and hangs her on
a hook over the blackboard.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Gordie, you can take your seat with
the rest of the kids.
Gordie does. Horton-as-Wally takes out a switchblade and
pops it open. Miss Henke gasps. The class is petrified. Horton-
as-Wally picks up the two taped rulers from the desk and
breaks them in half.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
(to the kids)
There'll be no more beatings in this
classroom.
Horton-as-Wally takes a big grapefruit out of the paper bag,
sets it on the desk and cuts it in half with the switchblade.
he picks up half the grapefruit and moves to Miss Henke.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
My boy doesn't lie, sourpuss.
He grinds the grapefruit into her face, using it as a juicer,
then tosses the rind across the room into a trashcan like
Magic Johnson. Horton-as-Wally turns to face the class.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
At this moment, I consider myself
the luckiest man on earth. I have a
wonderful son, who doesn't lie, and
he's made me very proud.
Gordie runs up and embraces Horton-as-Wally with all his
might.
VICTOR EICHORN
(snidely)
I think I'm gonna puke.
Horton-as-Wally turns to Victor.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Victor, come up here.
Frightened, Victor stands and moves to them.
VICTOR EICHORN
You're not the boss a' me.
HORTON-AS-WALLY
Calm down, son.
(a hand on Victor's
shoulder)
Victor, I know what a hard life you've
lived, what with your folks divorce
and your father's alcoholism. It
wasn't so long ago that I didn't
know the meaning of a family either.
Victor, I know about the loneliness,
lying awake at night, feeling like
no one in the world cares for you. I
know what this can do to you; the
rage and frustration. And I just
want you to understand you've got a
friend here and his name is Wally
Newton. You're welcome at our house,
Gordie's and mine and Polly's,
anytime, day or night, for good food
or hand-to-hand lessons and for just
going out to the range with an Uzi
or a thirty-ought-six.
(Victor's dissolved
in helpless tears)
Now you characters shake hands and
call it square.
Gordie extends a hand. Victor shakes it. The class cheers
and applauds. Victor's Henchmen are fighting back their own
tears.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY
A squadron of trucks are backed up to the front of the Manor
and a platoon of jump-suited DELIVERY MEN are dollying tons
of supplies past a worried House Staff through the double
doors. Stenciled on the sides of the trucks are the various
company names: "LIGHTNING FAST ELECTRIC, LIGHTNING FAST STEEL,
CO., LIGHTNING FAST PLUMBING, LIGHTNING FAST HARDWARE,
LIGHTNING FAST NUCLEAR SUPPLIES."
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
The Professor-as-Newt is working frantically on a scaffolding
that surrounds the superstructure of a huge, black, steel
Trojan pig (as in Trojan horse). A steady steam of Delivery
men dolly in and deposit their loads under the supervision
of a tipsy Tidman. Ike and Mike are lifting heavy objects
and other members of the House Staff are joyfully engaged in
various support activities. Grandpa sits in his wheelchair
near the scaffolding, beaming up at the Professor-as-Newt.
GRANDPA
(happily, to anyone
who'll listen)
That's not Newt.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Bring up my uranium rods!
Ike and Mike do just that. Tidman turns to RAYBURN, the
ancient Manor Staff Accountant, who's inventorying the
incoming supplies.
TIDMAN
Make a note, Rayburn; triple this
year's donation to Soothing Breezes
Sanitarium.
RAYBURN
The lad has improved, taken, many,
so much more, steps, that I, hard to
find the, but then, words are --
TIDMAN
Thank you, Rayburn.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Am I wrong? I feel as though I've
asked for the plutonium three or
four times already --
TIDMAN
Just coming off the truck, Master
Newt.
Chef Pierre wheels in a large silver serving trolley.
CHEF PIERRE
My treat: jiffy baked Alaska for
everyone!
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
The computers are whirring at top speed. Three sensing devices
are pointed through the mirror at Newt-as-the-Professor,
who's moving chalk on the blackboard in a rhythmic pattern.
The Scientists watch gathered around, Mel, Bert and Sammy
"the Stomp"-as-Alice are in the background.
SCIENTIST #1
We're very close now.
Scientist #2 picks up a red phone.
SCIENTIST #2
Alert the Corrigans; we're close
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE HALLWAY - DAY
Delbert and Simone Corrigan hurry down the hallway towards
the observation room.
CUT TO:
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
As the Corrigans enter, the computers start to click in, one
after another, the slot machine effect.
SCIENTIST #1
Ladies and gentlemen, the Eagle has
landed.
The room is hushed; more clicks from the computer.
SCIENTIST #1
Coming up now... coming up now...
An IMAGE comes into focus on the big monitor; a large pig
and below it a list of ingredients. Stunned silence.
BERT
(aside, to Mel)
Kind'a looks like a pig.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY B COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
The Company "B" group, including Mr. Biggs and Mr. Posthole,
are staring at the same image on a similar monitor.
MR. BIGGS
(somewhat confused)
Good work, Posthole. But what in the
Sam Hill is it?
MR POSTHOLE
Sir, unless I miss my guess there's
enough arbitrary nucleic permutations
on the cobalt theme inside that porker
to turn this world into a corn flake.
MR. BIGGS
This is worth a fortune but Lord
it's dangerous. Thank God we got it
before those animal crackers at
Company "A". Start building
immediately. Now it's more important
than ever we pop the weasel and drain
the tub of Professor Hugo
Zinzermacher.
(looking at the monitor
again)
Damned if that thing doesn't look
like a pig.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Temporary Army Command Headquarters, set up just outside the
Newtonville city limits, near the Newtonville sign. Colonel
Mofler holds a field phone to General Conrad's ear, as the
Generals stand by.
GENERAL CONRAD
No, no, no, nothing's "up"... the
boys and I found a great little trout
stream out here in Kansas... we're
frying up some rainbows right now,
couple a' beers, we'll be back inside
the Beltway before you know it...
yes I was in Bethesda -- no, nothing
serious, slipped on a rock going for
a carp in the Potomac -- no, I'm
fine now, never better... thanks
very much for calling, you have a
nice day, too, Mr. President.
Mofler hangs up the phone.
GENERAL CONRAD
He was supposed to be out clearing
brush today, Mofler, what the hell
kind of intelligence are you giving
me? We got the feed off that uplink
back to Section Six?
COLONEL MOFLER
(reading from a file)
"Conclusions: the emission had caused
unusual behavior and activity --"
GENERAL CONRAD
I could'a told you that, Mofler.
COLONEL MOFLER
(nods, keeps reading)
"-- which does not at this time appear
to be life-threatening, but
considering the nature of the deep
space random collection samplings,
an accurate projection of long-range
consequences is not possible at this
time."
GENERAL CONRAD
Recommendations for response?
COLONEL MOFLER
Three options, Sir...
(reads again)
"Option #1: do nothing, return to
Washington, deny everything. Option
#2: reduce Newtonville to a smoking
pile of ash, litter the area with
sheep with their eyes sewn shut and
blame it on UFO's."
(closes the file)
GENERAL CONRAD
I'm leaning towards two. What's number
three?
COLONEL MOFLER
Option #3 is a second emission.
GENERAL CONRAD
So. It's time to fish or cut bait.
(pause, jaw set)
Alright, boys... we'll pee again.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
The "pig" is completely finished. Tidman and the Staff stand
back and gaze at it in wondrous admiration. High up on the
scaffolding, Ike and Mike help the Professor-as-Newt pour a
smoking liquid into a funnel on the end of the coiled copper
"tail". Down on the floor, Grandad wheels himself away from
the staff, towards a small red button on the "pig's"
underbelly.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Don't pour too quickly. This stuff
will come back up at you and burn
your hands off at the elbow...
(as they finish)
Very nicely done. Now we can climb
down and take some liquid refreshment.
Ike and Mike start to climb down. The Professor-as-Newt spots
Grandad down below, about to touch the small red button.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Grandad, you mustn't touch that, no,
no.
Grandad smiles and points at the red button.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Move away, move away now -- Tidman,
if Grandad were to touch that button,
that would be very bad.
The Professor-as-Newt comes down the scaffolding, as Tidman
and the whole Staff cautiously move towards Grandad, who
holds his finger next to the button.
TIDMAN AND STAFF
(variously)
Grandad, don't touch the button...
that's a no-no... bad to push the
button, Grandad, mustn't push the
button...
Grandad pushes the button. We hear a click, then a roar like
a blast furnace inside the "pig". A panel slides open and a
readout appears, counting down from: 10:00:00.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
I'm so sorry he did that. That's
very bad.
TIDMAN
Surely you can turn whatever it is
off, Master Newt.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(flicks Tidman on
shoulder)
Oh no, the plutonium is lit now.
Once you light the plutonium, pffft.
TIDMAN
(quietly and completely
insane)
Ah. So it is a bomb...
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
A real dandy.
TIDMAN
And how big is your bomb, Master
Newt?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Oh, very big.
Some members of the House Staff faint dead away.
TIDMAN
I see. And you're absolutely certain
there's nothing we can do, really?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
I wish.
TIDMAN
You wouldn't kid us about something
like this, would you, Master Newt?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(shaking his head)
Once you light that plutonium...
TIDMAN
How much time have we got?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Just about enough for one more good
cup of coffee.
Tidman walks to the desert trolley and pours a cup.
TIDMAN
(stiff upper lip)
Cream and sugar, Master Newt?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
Please, thank you.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY
Just outside city limits, Soldiers finish building a hastily
erected sandbag bunker. More soldiers complete chalking a
white line across the highway with a baseball boundary-line
chalking machine. Colonel Mofler holds a field phone for
General Conrad:
GENERAL CONRAD
I said pee immediately! -- I don't
give a damn about procedures, let's
hose this deck down quick!
CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON SECTION SIX - DAY
Some TECHNICIANS are looking at the FISH book, open to the
TUNA section, throwing switches and turning dials according
to the printed instructions. Lights, bells and whistles are
activated.
CUT TO:
EXT. SPACE
The panel on the side of the satellite slides open the nozzle
slides out. The other panel opens, a countdown begins:
00:05:00. As the countdown proceeds we notice a large yellow
mass looming up behind the satellite. We notice a number of
"CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK" wrappers melded into the mass. It
silently sails past the satellite.
CUT TO:
EXT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY
A long line of hungry, head-bobbing Newtonvillonians are
receiving little green pies to go, dispensed by Lorraine and
the Gangsters, all in Chef's hats, from Vinnie's new "take-
out window". Wally-as-Horton and Jimmie Underwood are putting
up a sign above the window that reads:
"VINNIE'S GREEN-PIE TAKE-OUT
100% CHEESE-FREE
TRY OUT RED WINE
AND GREEN PIE SPECIAL"
Vinnie moves up and down the line, passing out free cigars.
CUT TO:
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK - DAY
The plaza between Company "A" and Company "B" is packed with
the delivery trucks we saw earlier outside Newton Manor,
with the Delivery Men dollying tons of stuff into both
buildings.
The Company "A" limo with Bob McNabb at the wheel skids into
view, weaving in and out between the trucks, sending Delivery
Men and their loads skyward. In hot pursuit are "Sherlock"
Watson in the patrol car and the army jeeps.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "B" - DAY
Mr. Biggs looks down at the trucks through a pair of
binoculars, follows a dolly into Company "A", looks up through
the binoculars and sees Delbert Corrigan looking at him
through a pair of binoculars from Company "A" window. They
look at each other through the binoculars for a while.
CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
Under the supervision of Bert, Mel and Sammy "the Stomp"-as-
Alice, Newt-as-the-Professor is slowly and carefully packing
his objects back in his sock. The Trick Dog jumps back and
forth over a chair.
BERT
That flight back to Zurich's leaving
in less than an hour, Professor.
MEL
How long can it take to pack a sock?
SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
I can tell you how long it takes to
pack a suitcase.
(dabs eyes with
handkerchief)
Can either of you recommend a good
marriage counselor?
BERT
(pause, embarrassed)
I don't seem to remember the Professor
having a dog on the plane, do you
Mel?
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" WORK AREA - DAY
Workers in blue Company "A" jumpsuits scramble like beavers,
quickly assembling a large blue "pig" bomb.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "B" WORK AREA - DAY
Workers in yellow Company "B" jumpsuits scamper around the
large yellow "pig" bomb they're quickly putting together.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
The entire House Staff lies unconscious on the floor. Ike
and Mike, feeling woozy, sit with cold compresses on their
heads. Tidman is downing his third pitcher of martinis,
straight from the pitcher.
Grandad listens to his record player, wheeling himself around
in a circle. The Professor-as-Newt sits watching the
countdown, sipping his coffee.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
(to Tidman, gallows
humor)
Did you hear the one about the
farmer/scientist?
TIDMAN
Is it a long joke?
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
No, no, we have time. Anyway, this
farmer/scientist. He was outstanding
in his unified field.
TIDMAN
I see.
Tidman finishes the pitcher. We see the countdown is down
to: 00:06:10.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The countdown on the satellite continues, not t-minus 00:01:02
and counting. A few "Cheese is Made From Milk" wrappers float
by. In the distance, the cheese asteroid is tumbling around
in space.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY
A picture of the perfect, happy family. Horton-as-Wally and
Gordie beam, as Polly serves them each a plate of small
delicious green pies. A "Vinnie's Take-Out" bag is on the
table. Horton-as-Wally sneaks a piece of green pie under the
table to Gucci-Gucci the Pekingese, who does a backflip of
appreciation.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY
As the Gangsters turn out batch after batch of green pies in
the kitchen, Wally-as-Horton and Lorraine circulate around
the jam-packed dining room, where satisfied, head-bobbing
Customers are gorging themselves on green pies and red wine.
CUSTOMERS
(variously)
Best pie I ever ate... couldn't
believe something that looked so
simple could taste so good... the
aroma, the flavor, I'm in seventh
heaven... I'll never eat at home
again...
Mr. Biggs and his two Bodyguards stride in and corner Wally-
as-Horton.
MR. BIGGS
When I pay for a killing, I expect
somebody to die and Thursby, your
number just came up.
The Bodyguards pull out pistols and point them at Wally-as-
Horton. Wally-as-Horton snakes out his hands and grabs both
Bodyguards by the adam's apple.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Put those away before somebody gets
hurt!
BODYGUARDS
(Munchkined)
Yes, Sir, Mr. Thursby.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Sit down and have some green pie,
which we recommend with the house
red for a particularly pleasing taste
sensation.
The Bodyguards immediately sit and Lorraine sets pies and
wine in front of them.
MR. BIGGS
Say, who do you think --
WALLY-AS-HORTON
(puts a finger in
Biggs' face)
That's enough.
(grabs Biggs by the
throat)
There'll be no more killing in this
town.
MR. BIGGS
I agree completely.
WALLY-AS-HORTON
Sit down, behave yourself and have
some delicious green pie and red
wine.
MR. BIGGS
I'm looking forward to it.
Vinnie enters, holding up a handful of paperwork.
VINNIE
I've got the contracts prepared.
I've decided to make you all full
partners. I'll have the fellas sign
first, then you, okay Horton?
WALLY-AS-HORTON
That's jake with me. Partner.
Vinnie enters the kitchen. Lorraine embraces Wally-as-Horton.
LORRAINE
Horton, I always knew you were a
strong man. I always knew you had
courage. But this new tenderness...
it's... it's...
(she cries sweetly)
I just love you ever so much.
They kiss.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
Tidman is swaying at attention, singing "Nearer My God to
Thee". The Professor-as-Newt is counting down with the bomb.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
There it is, less than a minute now.
Fifty-nine, fifty-eight -- isn't it
interesting how time passes so much
more slowly at moments like this --
(a hint of wistful
regret)
No time to solve that one.
CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK - DAY
The skaters have skated away during the night, buzzsawing
down through the floor and an additional five feet of bedrock.
Only a mass of hands is visible through the thick dust,
circling, circling. The roar is louder than Niagara Falls.
Woody and Big Tom are dumbfounded, nearly catatonic, glued
to their chairs, eyes bugging out of their heads as they
stare at the mad spectacle. Randy, standing nearby, completely
oblivious to what's transpired, still obsessed by the one
detail which plagues him.
RANDY
I still smell gas, Big Tom.
Woody's chair breaks, splinters out from under him and falls
away. He remains frozen in a sitting position.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY
General-Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals are ensconced
in the concrete bunker, all wearing strange goggles. A SOLDIER
passes out think copies of the Washington, D.C. phonebook.
COLONEL MOFLER
(watching his watch)
T-minus fifteen... fourteen...
(etc.)
GENERAL CONRAD
Hitch up those phonebooks, boys, no
telling what this sucker'll do to
your procreative recreational system.
The Soldiers all hold the phonebooks over their crotches.
General Conrad already has one taped to the crotch of his
cast.
GENERAL CONRAD
Check that tape for me, Mofler.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
We see the satellite countdown: 00:00:03 / 00:00:02 / 00:00:01
and as it hits 00:00:00 the beeping crescendos and goes SILENT
for one brief moment. Then, the satellite produces an
emission.; we see a small burst of light shoot from the nozzle
and hear a sound like a sharp slam on a ping-pong ball.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the United States. The emission,
a short piece of light, enters the earth's atmosphere and
heads down towards Kansas.
CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL SHOT - DAY
A mile above Newtonville, looking straight down at the center
of town. The emission descends down, strikes the center of
town and a giant "X" of light forms over the entire city.
From the center of the "X", a line of light spirals out like
a watch spring. When it reaches the edge of town the entire
"X" rotates 90 degrees and stops.
CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY
In the middle of his passionate kiss with Lorraine, Wally-as-
Horton disappears and it replaced by the Professor-as-Newt-
now-Horton. He stops kissing Lorraine. We notice that the
green pies have turned red and the red wine has turned green.
Alice-as-Sammy "the Stomp" is now singing an operatic aria.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT-NOW-HORTON
Let me clarify something; am I in
Heaven? Are you an Angel?
LORRAINE
See what I mean? These days you say
the sweetest things. And who ever
knew you were such a wonderful cook.
I hope this doesn't frighten you,
but I suddenly find myself filled
with maternal longings.
THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT-NOW-HORTON
Frighten me? It's the best news I've
had since the discovery of sub-atmoic
particles.
She looks at him with the slightest touch of curiosity.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE ROOM - DAY
Carrying his sock, Newt-as-the-Professor moves down a line,
shaking the hands of Company "A" employees as he departs.
The Trick Dog, Bert, Mel and Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice trail
behind him.
Just as he reaches Delbert Corrigan and Simone, Newt-as-the-
Professor disappears and Wally-as-Horton-now-the-Professor
appears in his place. The Trick Dog is the only one who
notices the switch; he growls and bites Wally-as-Horton-now-
the Professor's ankle. Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor
points a finger and glares bumblebee eyes at him; the Trick
Dog leaps up into his arms and licks his face. Delbert
Corrigan extends a hand.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Professor, it's been an absolute
delight --
WALLY-AS-HORTON-NOW-THE-PROFESSOR
(with a finger)
First of all, that was absolutely
the worst cafeteria food I've ever
tasted in my life.
Delbert Corrigan shrinks back, shocked. Simone aggressively
intercedes.
SIMONE
You got a lotta nerve, you fruitcake --
WALLY-AS-HORTON-NOW-THE-PROFESSOR
(the finger)
That's enough.
She slams on the brakes.
WALLY-AS-HORTON-NOW-THE-PROFESSOR
You two ought to spend a little more
time thinking about tenderness. And
cooking.
Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor moves along the line,
leaving the bewildered Corrigans behind.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Perhaps we should try a little
tenderness.
Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice, as if in a trance, sings "Try a
Little Tenderness", ala Otis Redding.
SIMONE
Delbert, have you ever seen a woman
my age do something like this?
She leaps up, grabs the pipe of the sprinkler system and
does a one-arm chin-up.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Definitely a little tenderness.
CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY
Horton-as-Wally sits at the dinner table with Polly and
Gordie. Horton-as-Wally disappears and Newt-as-the Professor-
now-Wally appears in his place. They look at each other. The
pies are now red and the wine is green.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR-NOW-WALLY
(struggling to form
the words)
I'm... so... happy.
POLLY
So am I, darling.
GORDIE
Me, too, Dad. I feel so good about
our family.
NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR-NOW-WALLY
Can I pee?
POLLY
Of course you can, Wally.
Newt-as-the Professor-now-Wally rises and starts towards the
bathroom. Gucci-Gucci leaps into his arms and licks his fact.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
The Professor-as-Newt vanishes from his place beside the
"pig" bomb, where the countdown is at: 00:00:16. Horton-as-
Wally-now-the Professor appears in his place, near a
completely sloshed Tidman.
The "pig" is emitting an irritation whining noise that rises
in pitch and intensity.
TIDMAN
Perhaps it shall be a finer place we
go to, leaving behind this veil of
tears --
(countdown at:00:00:09)
-- where our fortunes rise and fall
on the seas of destiny like a tiny
ship, where an action once set in
motion cannot be reversed -- Mother,
I'll be home soon, in fact...
(squints at the
countdown)
...in about another three seconds --
HORTON-AS-WALLY-NOW-THE PROFESSOR
Hold your horses, tea bag, we're not
going anywhere.
Horton-as-Wally-now-the Professor whips out his .357 Magnum
and drills the "Pig" right between the "eyes". The "pig's"
jaw drops open and a loud "oink" escapes. The irritating
noise cuts out and the countdown stops; the last second
stopping halfway to zero.
Tidman looks over at him, looks at the "pig", looks back at
Horton-as-Wally-now-the Professor.
TIDMAN
Martini, Master Newt?
HORTON-AS-WALLY-NOW-THE PROFESSOR
Shaken not stirred.
CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK - DAY
The skaters heads are visible, going around and around the
rink. The roar is louder than two Niagara Falls.
Woody and Big Tom remain staring at it, catatonically.
CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL ANGLE - DAY
The glowing "X" over Newtonville vanishes.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY
The Army officers remove their goggles and peak out over the
top of the bunker. The smoke and dust clear, revealing the
seventy Texans and Chinese Acrobats seated on folding chairs,
in front of a raised dais, where Mayor Billy Benson addressed
them over a p.a. system, with "Hail to the Chief" playing in
background.
MAYOR BILLY BENSON
(oratorical fervor)
One office... one man/ One world...
one people.
Three army jeeps shoot by in reverse, followed by "Sherlock"
Watson in the patrol car and the Company "A" limo, also in
reverse. A COW in front of the bunker turns to the Generals
and lets out a melodic yodel.
General Conrad turns to Colonel Mofler.
GENERAL CONRAD
Pee again.
COLONEL MOFLER
(into a field phone)
Pee again!
Through the smoke we see the tap dancing Heinz 57 bottle,
doing complicated time steps down the highway.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The nozzle on the satellite lets go with another emission.
The bolt of light zips past the floating cheese meteor and
heads towards Earth.
CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL SHOT - DAY
A mile above Newtonville, looking straight down at the center
of...
From the center of the "X", a line of light spirals out like
a watch spring. When it reaches the edge of town the entire
"X" rotates another 90 degrees, stops and hovers over the
town.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLER RINK - DAY
The wheels on the sign lazily revolve. The roar from inside
is gone. Birds sing.
INT. ROLLER RINK - DAY
The skaters are gone. The crater where the rink once stood
remains. The silence is shattering. Freed from their trance,
Big Tom and Woody blink at the emptiness. Big Tom shakes his
head, emerging from a deep confusion.
WOODY
(not without bitterness)
Ridin' high in April... shot down in
May.
Over to the side, with a look of sudden alarm, is Randy.
RANDY
Big Tom, I still smell --
Randy spontaneously combusts, leaving behind a small pile of
ash and a pear-shaped smudge on the wall.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIGHTS - DAY
The Generals climb out of the bunker and the dust clears,
revealing empty chairs in front of the dais. They move up to
close to the cow standing in front of the bunker. It moos.
COLONEL MOFLER
I think it worked.
GENERAL CONRAD
Just goes to prove an old saying of
mine: two wrongs don't make a right.
But three do.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY
Sunlight, birds, shady trees. Peace. In the far distance, we
see a foursome of GOLFERS on the green of the fifteenth hole
of the Newtonville Country Club.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
Horton-as-Wally-now-the Professor disappears and Newt, just
Newt, takes his place, holding his sock, a piece of green
pie and a fork. The room is empty, except for Tidman, slouched
in a chair, and Grandad, who turns around in his wheelchair,
sees Newt and stops short. They look at each other and smile.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY
A bolt of lightning shoots down out of the clear blue sky.
CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
The lightning bolt zaps through an open window and strikes
Newt in
NEWT
(blinking his eyes,
articulate)
Grandfather, the stars and funny
animals are gone. Grandfather, I
have so many things to tell you.
Tidman tries to clear his head, can't believe what he's
seeing.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY
One of the GOLFERS, now on the sixteenth tee, hits his drive,
a towering smash that we follow up into the air, slicing
severely to the right and heading directly for a window on
the second floor of the manor.
CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY
NEWT
I want to live here with you, with
you and Tidman, Chef Pierre and the
rest of the staff, forever and ever
and --
The golf ball smashes through the window and hits Newt in
the head. His eyes get that starry/funny animal look again.
He smiles.
NEWT
Rock-'em-sock-'em.
Grandad turns to Tidman, points at Newt and smiles.
GRANDAD
That's Newt.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY
The Generals and Colonel Mofler, gathered off to the side,
shake their heads, toe the ground and mutter.
General Conrad sits enveloped in the top of the giant cheese
meteor, sending a slow burn towards the heavens.
CUT TO:
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLAZA - DAY
The buildings of Company "A" and Company "B" have merged
into one giant green building, with the letters "AB" on top.
Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor is at the curb with Bert,
Mel, Alice (just Alice) and the Professor's bag. Wally-as-
Horton-now-the Professor disappears and the Professor, just
the Professor appears in his place.
The limo pulls up, looking brand new, with the insignia "AB"
on the door. The three Chefs and the Tap Dancing Heinz 57
Bottle climb out. Bob McNabb, behind the wheel, waves to
Alice.
BOB MCNABB
Hello, ducks.
ALICE
Hello, love.
CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL SHOT - DAY
Looking down on Newtonville, the large, glowing "X"
disappears.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPANY "AB" - DAY
The Professor is just about to get into the limo when we
hear a raucous alarm blaring from the green building and the
Scientists we've seen, from both Companies, come running
out, all wearing green jumpsuits.
SCIENTISTS
(variously)
Stop him!... Professor! We have an
emergency!... Don't let him get in
that car!... Bert and Mel, bring him
back inside!
ALICE
For goodness sake, he'll miss his
plane.
SCIENTIST #1
There aren't going to be any planes
if he doesn't get inside fast!
BERT
Professor, will you come with us
please?
MEL
It's an inconvenience, but it does
sound urgent.
They pick him up by the elbows and hustle him back towards
the green building. They're followed by the three Chefs and
the Tap Dancing Heinz 57 bottle.
THE PROFESSOR
(sets off a thought)
Here's yet another example; time was
going by so slowly and suddenly the
universe seems to curve back in on
itself.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "AB" - DAY
The Professor is carried into a large room by Bert and Mel,
swept along with the Scientists and the rest of the group
that was outside. A nervous CROWD is gathered around a huge,
green double-headed "pig" bomb. The countdown panel has slid
open and the countdown is counting down from: 00:00:27. Beside
it is a large chalkboard with a formula written on it:
"II x PIG^2 x C = (BOB)"
The Scientists crowd around the Professor.
SCIENTISTS
(variously, accusing
each other)
He pushed the button... no, you pushed
the button... it was an accident...
I didn't mean to do it...
SCIENTIST #1
This could be a catastrophe of
unprecedented proportion!
THE PROFESSOR
(sniffs the air, them)
No, no, you got it all wrong.
The countdown continues. The Professor sidles over to the
blackboard and points to the formula.
THE PROFESSOR
Let me explain something
(pointing to the
formula)
"Pi" times "permutations interacting
geometrically", and it goes without
saying arbitrarily --
The countdown is at: 00:00:12. People are praying, weeping,
ducking and covering.
THE PROFESSOR
-- times the speed of light, which
is very fast I can tell you, equals --
(points to the first
"b)
-- bomb.
A huge groan from the crowd.
THE PROFESSOR
-- however, let me direct your
attention to this little "2", do you
see? This means "Pig" squared and we
can clearly discern, or Lucerne where
my Grandmother's from, that this pig
had two heads. Which brings us back
to "bob" - b - o - b -- bomb or
barbecue.
The crowd is totally bewildered. The countdown reaches zero.
Both mouths of the "pig" heads drop open, we hear two loud
"oinks". A panel in the side of the "pig" slides open and a
large mass of sticky, brownish-red substance glops out onto
the floor. The crowd lets out a collective sigh of relief.
An incredibly delicious aroma fills the air.
THE PROFESSOR
So unless I miss my guess we are
looking at and smelling the best
barbecue sauce in the whole darned
world.
The three Chefs are the first to step forward, filled with
trepidation and envy. They cautiously dip their fingers in
the sauce and taste it. The incredibly delicious sauce
completely overwhelms them.
CHEF #1
(almost in tears)
Twenty years we at Heinz have been
searching for a sauce like this.
CHEF#2
Manna from heaven.
The crowd presses forward to taste the sauce, which quickly
degenerates into a spectacle not unlike a frenzied pack of
piranha feeding on a bloated zebra.
CUT TO:
INT. CINDERBLOCK ROOM
In a nearby fallout shelter, Mr. Biggs and Delbert Corrigan,
wearing big goggles and blast suits, watch the above
proceedings on video monitors.
MR. BIGGS
(speaks over an
intercom)
We're on the phone to Heinz now'
we'll deal, we'll deal -- don't eat
all that sauce, don't let them eat
all that sauce --
DELBERT CORRIGAN
(overlapping, on a
phone)
Mr. Heinz, Mr. Heinz, we have the
ultimate sauce -- no, not just steak
sauce, it'll go on everything --
(covers the phone,
over intercom)
Don't eat all that sauce!!
CUT TO:
INT. LARGE ROOM - DAY
The crowd continues to feed. The Professor stands alone,
with Mel, Bert and Alice. The Professor, tracking down another
thought, whistles, grabs a handful of empty air and snaps
his fingers.
THE PROFESSOR
Time.
BERT
Yes, it is time. Professor --
MEL
If we hurry you can still catch your
plane.
They pick him up by the elbows and hustle him out. Alice
follows
CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "AB" - DAY
Bert and Mel carry the Professor towards the limo.
THE PROFESSOR
(snapping his fingers,
to himself)
Time.
(he whistles)
Time.
MR. BIGG'S VOICE
Just one minute!
DELBERT CORRIGAN
I say, hold on!
They stop. Mr. Biggs, Delbert Corrigan and Simone rush out
of the building to them. Biggs and Corrigan wear green suits,
Simone wears some green, high-fashion weirdness.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
Professor, Company "AB" is prepared
to offer you a seven figure contract --
MR. BIGGS
Stock options, access to the corporate
jet --
DELBERT CORRIGAN
First rate health and dental coverage --
MR. BIGGS
And your own key to the executive
washroom.
DELBERT CORRIGAN
For life.
THE PROFESSOR
(looks them up and
down)
How do you do.
(he shakes their hands)
My name is Professor Hugo
Zinzermacher. Hugo your way, und
I'll go mine.
The Professor gets into the limo, turns back to Mel and Bert
and gives them a big smile.
THE PROFESSOR
(sings)
It's beginning to look a lot like
Christmas/ Everywhere I go...
(and so on)
The limo drives off.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPUTER PANEL - DAY
EXTREME CLOSEUP on the saliva bubble, caught between the
copper wires. It pops. Music in. Bing Crosby's version of
"It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"
CUT TO:
EXT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAY
Music continues over. The Texans and the Chinese acrobats,
working together, make the last adjustments on the sign above
the plant, as they install a huge "8" next to the "5" and
slowly lower the "7" to the ground. The sign now reads:
"HEINZ 58"
CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY
Music continues over. A moving van is parked in the driveway
of the house next door. MOVERS are carrying boxes and
furniture into the house. KIDS on pogo sticks bounce up and
down the street.
Wally, a visibly pregnant Polly and Gordie come out of their
house with a sack of green pie take-out from Vinnie's and
move to the fence between the houses, where they shake hands
with their new neighbors, Horton Thursby and a visibly
pregnant Lorraine. Polly gives Lorraine the take-out food.
ROLL CREDITS
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WALLY AND HORTON'S HOUSES - DAY
Music continues over. Wally and Horton are both mowing their
lawns Gordie bounces around on his pogo stick, packing two
six shooters. A horn honks, they all look up and wave, as a
massive, convertible Isotta Fraschini touring car drives by,
Tidman at the wheel, Newt and Grandad in the rear. They wave.
Newt honks his rubber horn as the car moves out of sight.
Polly and Lorraine, chatting over the fence, both carrying
their new born INFANTS, wave to the passing car. As the car
moves on, Polly and Lorraine return to their conversation,
fussing over the babies.
The Infants are dead ringers for Wally and Horton.
FADE TO BLACK
THE END
Typed by Mike Dunn