A chaotic silence

I never thought the day would come when I wouldn’t want to hear a single sound from my car stereo on a long night drive home. Hell, I don’t even think I wanted to hear anything regardless of time, place, and circumstance.

Hell. Yeah, that best describes what my mind went through on my way home last night. It was scorching, violent, confused, irrational, raging mad. I thought of turning the stereo on and play my favorite MP3s. But I didn’t feel like it. I thought, maybe if I turn it on full blast, my already chaotic state of mind would be quelled into submission. No, my foul mood wouldn’t have any of it.

My mind screamed at the chaotic silence. I cursed like I’ve never cursed before. I couldn’t cry even when I forced myself. I planted my foot on the gas until the engine wailed in pain. I wanted to crash, but instead, I flew. Momentarily.

I’m a good person. People like me suffer. I ask myself if I deserve this, but the question is rhetorical. I can’t cast a doubt on the things that are happening to me…around me. I have a hand on everything. So I should be able to take control.

My fingers are on the switch, but I don’t know whether it would turn things on or off. I forgot what this switch did the last time I flicked it.

Were there times when you wanted to give up and yet don’t exactly know what you want to happen if you do? I’m there. And I can’t think of a song that best describes it. Maybe I’ll keep these unfamiliar rock alternatives in the background…for whatever reason…for now.