Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Conquering fears

I always feel a little bit guilty when I am scared. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have this thought that if I really trusted God, I would not be scared. But it's a battle every time. From the smallest and silliest things to the biggest, life-changing issues.

My mom, who is a trained psychologist, said that to deal with fear, the best thing to do is to imagine the worst possible outcome, face it and it will never be as bad as you imagine. I've tried it. It sort of works with the smaller stuff.

I also have an army of Bible verses that I revisit in dark moments. I wish I could say that they work instantly. Usually they don't. I end up almost chanting them over and over again. Feverishly praying for peace that transcends understanding.

I have to say that the peace does come. Often from unexpected places. Sometimes I stop and realise that the peace has filled my soul.

Eventually. Miraculously.

The thing that brings peace is accepting that even if it does not make sense right now, there is a plan. It is not an accident. Nothing is an accident with the God who created millions of stars, seasons, plants, humans, complexity all around that is so perfectly orchestrated. Nothing is an accident, and whatever I am facing is not an accident, it won't just slip through the cracks, it won't be just a blind pick. Accepting that I am of great value, that my life is precious. Knowing that in my darkest hours, even when I feel like I am in the middle of the desert, unable to carry on, I am not alone.

Maybe it's because of my acceptance of the fact that my creator is in control of every detail of my life. But I believe it is something deeper - God himself pouring peace into a mind that is tired of racing, just at the right time.