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Thursday, 19 January 2012

Yesterday, in the absence of Wikipedia (quite rightly) in protest to some American's writing laws for things they don't understand, I decided to take one for the team, and offer my services to answer all your whimsical questions in place of, well, everyone else I guess.

Anyway, here's the collected works. Don't check these on Wikipedia just yet, I've not had enough time to go through and correct all their erroneous articles.

************ Q: Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?

A: To answer that would kill whomever read it.
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Q: How long is a piece of string?

A: Twice the distance from the middle to either end

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Q: Tell me about badgers

A: Badgers, like Eskimos, are
widely believed in creatures yet actually nothing more than an urban
legend. The origins of the myth dates back to the birth of road markings
when a lazy council worker accidentally painted a stripe intended for
the road onto a Labrador.

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Q: What is the melting point of granite? I actually tried to ask Wikipedia this once, but it crashed so I still don't know.

A: There is no point in melting granite. That's why Wikipedia crashed on you in the first instance

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Q: What is the meaning of life?

A: Think like a genius, dress like a rock star, fuck like a porn star.

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Q: When are you going to stop playing on facebook and DO SOME WORK!?!?

A: As a female (as the questioner is), you should be
more than familiar with multitasking. As a male with a girl's haircut,
I'm doing a great job of multitasking, but ultimately just doing
everything badly. You shouldn't have needed Wiki-Me for that answer

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Q: What's the origin of Cheese?

A: Cheese was created by the
French in 14th century, as would become their national trait it was
created by accident after being too damn lazy to finish the job after
milking a cow.

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Q: Why do fridge companies provide you with egg holders when you're not supposed to keep eggs in the fridge?

A: To give the chickens that you are supposed to keep in the fridge something to aim at. Which also works with other egg laying animals. NB. Do not attempt this with an Ostrich

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Q: Is it cheaper to boil a mug of water in the microwave or boil the kettle?

A: Kettles are made of various
materials, and as such would have various boiling points dependent on
the specific component at the time. Personally I'd use the kettle to
boil things, and not the other way round.

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Q: In the absence of a verifiable god, what living thing might be idolised and sacrificed to instead?

A: As modern monotheistic
religions generally depict their particular brand of cloud fairy's to be
somewhere above us, logic dictates that the higher something, or
someone is, the closer to God it must be. As such, and for want of any
better alternatives, I'd recommend myself for your idol-worshiping and
virgin sacrificing needs

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Q: Why does a U always follow a Q?

A: Because if you weren't following in a queue you wouldn't be in a queue

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Q: Is there any occasion when it is socially acceptable to fart in public?

A: Only in the event that someone else just has, and you want to make them feel better about it.

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Q: Would it be better to be attacked one horse sized duck or ten duck sized horses?

A: An assault from 10 duck sized
horses would likely result in little more than an amusing game of
equine punting, which while comical in the extreme, would probably annoy
renowned delusionists Peta. Where-as being attacked by a Horse sized
Duck would be acceptable as your actions would be considered self
defence. So, in the long term, the former is better, in the short term
the latter. So it basically depends on how old (and thus close to death)
you are.

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Q: Shark v crocodile?

A: That depends on the level of
training both animals has had, and the environment in which the combat
takes place. In general though, Crocodile, as they've got millions of
years worth of experience.

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Q: Why do all people who drive white vans drive badly?

A: A white van that is well
driven is generally considered to be stolen. As such, the rightful
owners have to drive badly to avoid getting pulled over by the police

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Q: Why do old people always choose to go to the post-office at lunch time or travel at rush hour when they have all day to do it?

A: The population of the UK is
essentially a government cover up, there are only 25 of us. The rest are
Greek contractors who, as they don't have any money any more, are now
employed through the EU's care in the community programme to take up
space in the UK to give us all something to complain about. Complaints
being the natural fuel of any self respecting Brit. As such, they are
only visible during peak times.

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Q: Are there pigeons in Papau New Guinea?

A: Pigeons, or Sky-rats as they're known, used to live in Papau New Guinea, but moved to the UK as they found it more fun to shit on rich tourists in London