Tired of those dry, witchy lips of winter? Well, look no further than Elixirific sugar lip scrub! The verdict is in – with just a little dab on the finger and a bit of scrubbing, you can turn those cracked lips caked up with “years of lip goo” accumulation away, and turn those pouters into the kissable lips of your youth! Pair it with a Elixirfic lip balm – which is tasty, 100% natural and I can’t find it to send you a picture cuz i probably ATE it, and you are good to go! I just have one request of Ms. Anderson – Come up with a Lip Plumper and I’ll swoon and die! THAT’S ElixirIFFIC!

Ok, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think so. My boyfriend commented on how my skin looks more even toned and radiant since using Heather’s lotion bar! The suppleness of my skin is fantastic, and when I use it, I KNOW I am applying natural ingredients to my face. Oh yeah, I promised you I’d tell you what my actual skin tone turned out to be…DRUM ROLL…

I am happy to say that it is “olive-ish white” now that the icky “red blotches” I was getting with other lotions are GONE!

Are you tired of trying lotions and creams that not only DON’T live up to your expectations, but are full of chemicals to boot? Well, you will be happy to know that you need look no further than EXLIXIRIFIC.com for a natural product that MORE than lives up to your expectations in the way of improving the look and feel of your skin.

I got REALLY lucky to be able to try this product absolutely FREE, as a friend of mine makes this, and other products from scratch and healthy ingredients, and sells them on her website.

The lotion comes in a “bar” that is shaped like a star. Although, I refuse to give away the ingredients in respect to her creative licenture, I will say that shea butter is only one of the wholesome ingredients this “beauty bar” contains.

I tried it for the first time a couple of days ago, with a bit of apprehension. I say “a bit of apprehension” because I am one of those people whose skin often adversely reacts to those products that claim to be “all natural”. So, even though I rubbed it on my face and it went on smooth – AND my skin felt hydrated and supple – I still half expected to start itching, and wake up to all those lovely little red welts that I have come to expect from time to time, when trying new “beauty” products.

However, I was more than pleasantly surprised the next morning when I woke up to a more dewy-looking complexion that had lasted overnight – and this without having to reapply the lotion first! From what I have heard, continued use often brings about a better complexion “color and tone” as well as the elasticity. (I will keep you posted on what my REAL skin tone turns out to be, in about a week or two, but I am feeling very optimistic that I will LOVE IT!)

So, with that, I am giving the Elixirific lotion bar a FOUR THUMBS UP! (That’s TWO from ME, and TWO from Fluffy – who has to look at my mug until the day he or I happens to croak)

And one more thing. Although I mentioned I received this product in a gift basket (Thanks again, Heather!), at $7.50 per bar, it’s more than affordable to people of EVERY income. (Even those who have had to turn in bottles and cans….like me…last year)

So, do yourself a favor and check this product out for yourself! And, I will be posting future reviews on the other products as I try them…

Face it…. With the exception of some ethnicities who already have this in their favor by being born with it, we girls obsessively NEED to be tanned.

We love the overall glow and color a good tan gives us….how it makes our teeth look whiter and our whole being appear more vibrant and healthy. But we also want to look YOUNG, and UNBLEMISHED, with soft touchable skin. In the scheme of things, its a small request, right? . It’s not like we gals are asking the Universe for Fame, Fortune, Celebrity or Money, right? (well…maybe money…) So, is it TOO much to ask that every female be granted the ability to have a year round golden glow if she chooses, without the fall out from what it takes to get it? Apparently so – since A LOT of us did THIS for years -:

A LOT of us will have THIS to look forward to for the remaining ones (and they can be LOOOOONG ONES):

Ah yes. The infamous “Over-tanned and wrinkled old lady” from Something about Mary – poster child for the “outcome of Play now, Pay later” – This isn’t pretty in any light, is it?

If you’re lucky enough to be under 30 and not already seeing this happy face in your mirror – BITE ME! I HATE YOU!

For the rest of you who, like moi, fear the day the first search party is sent out looking for your missing chin amongst the sags and wrinkles, it’s time to seriously reflect on the definition of the word “sexy” – note that nowhere in the dictionary under “sexy” do the words “dried” or “raisin” show up in relation. And if you aren’t already traumatized by this public service reminder, here’s some backup singers with some bad DooWop to this little ditty! Not only is tanning in any form harmful to your health and can most definitely convert that plum in to a Sun Maid box dweller while you’re under the age of 50, but the UV rays actually cause the collagen in your skin to BREAKDOWN (probably, like you’re doing now from reading this) forming Sags and HANGING FLESH to drip “witch-like” from your nose, cheeks and chin (not to mention everywhere else).

I always thought that sagging was caused by either good old genetics, a “>tramautic weight loss or gain, or from obessively-compulsively pulling and stretching the skin during a psychotic episode. Who knew?

Anyway, I stopped hitting the tanning beds and laying out in the sun a few years ago – comforting myself with the thought of all the money I’d be saving on tanning and tanning accessories, as well as saving my skin – but a life of looking like the Pillsbury dough-blob bummed me out more than a 5 pound weight gain nightmare. Soooo…I needed to find some un-sunny alternatives that wouldn’t have me looking like I belonged at Sizzler on a plate. But what could I do that would get me looking as good as the sun used to?

Well, let’s start with the facts. What did I already know about tanning, a good complexion and overall health in general?

1. Lots of factors go into having great looking skin – but good health is the most important key. Drinking lots of water, eating foods that are nutritious for you AND your skin- along with getting adequate sleep and exercise are ingredients that are essential in looking your best from head to toe, and remaining healthy – no matter what your age.

3. Moisturizing every day (especially after bathing while the skin’s still damp) helps your skin to glow – with or without a tan.

3. Exfoliation all over is necessary a few time a week to keep your skin looking it’s best – especially WHEN you’ve added some color – via sun, bed or bottled. A lot of women have the misconception that sun or bed tanning frequently will keep your tan as fresh as it did when they got it, but that’s just not how it works. Your skin sheds its old cells daily in order to keep the process of renewal flowing – so it doesn’t matter how dark you get – it’s shelf life is short – just like that of a med-fly.

OK so now what can you use to tan that’s affordable and really works? OTC tanning products are available to all of us these days..and they’ve come a long way from Q T tanning lotion. I myself naively trusted in the honesty of American brands and wasted my babysitting money on that joke Q T, and like hundreds of others wound up looking like a “lolli pop” kid on dialysis. Thankfully, there are now other ways of achieving a false bronzed look – Spray on tans you can purchase at salons, airbrush tanning machines, and thousands of brands of lotions containing everything from “light” bronzers to additives that will make you appear to have changed nationalities if you’re not careful in apply it. And some of these products – like salon spray on tans – can be very expensive. But I found an effective, yet affordable solution.

I’m going to give you my own special concoction that works wonderfully for me, won’t break your wallet and works with a spray on tan OR if you’re starting out bareassed WHITE.

What you will need to look like you’re tanning year round and how to apply it:

1. Some type of gel, lotion, or OTC spray on tanning solution. (Here are 3 I have used successfully):

Loreal Sublime (most drugstores) - under $10

Sally's Beauty - Tanwise - under $10

do-it-yourself airbrush tanning kit - around $30

2. Epsom salts for exfoliating (available at most dollar stores for a buck!) Anywhere else – under $3.

3. Regular body moisturizer. Also available at dollar stores for a buck! (I go with a more cream than water-based lotion myself).

4. Access to a shower or bathtub. (You DO have that, don’t you?)

Ready? Ok.

I don’t apply the tanning spray or lotion just like the bottle says. I mix things up a bit…by cutting it down with lotion. The normal procedure of applying any self-tanner is awkward for most people, especially me!, and no matter how carefully I think I’m applying my tanner it seems I always end up over-applying in certain areas, and missing other areas completely! The lotion cuts down the strength of the tanning product and makes it go on smoother – especially if it’s applied when you’re exfoliated and your gams are shaved! For you first-timers you might want to prepare the mixture in advance:

Get a small plastic bowl and put a blob of moisturizer into it. Now add some tanning product – if you bought tanning lotion squirt a good amount into the bowl with the lotion. If you purchased a tanning spray, or spray-ER, spray some into the lotion and mix well. (Since I want to see results RIGHT NOW! I always purchase a self-tanner with “bronzers”).

Take a nice warm bath or shower and exfoliate your whole body from head to toe with some watered-down epsoms salts to help get rid of dead skin cells that keep your skin from looking fresh. (Be very careful to not scrub too hard on places like your face, neck or breasts – a small amount with gentle pressure is all that’s needed for those areas). When you get out of your tub or shower, dry off, but not completely. You’ll want your skin slightly damp so the mixture can go on smoothly.

Slather some of your mixture onto your hands and start rubbing the lotion into your skin. I start from the top fo the chest down – do my torso, arms and legs and save the feet for last – applying more lightly. Follow the same procedure with your face and neck – but MUCH lighter at first, as on places such as these “color” tends to show up in any wrinkles and lines that have taken up residence and we don’t want to create a public map to these places, do we?

After you rub in the mixture, let it dry completely then get dressed if you’re starting your day, or go to sleep if you’re ending it.

Do this once a day after a shower or bath and work your way up to two applications per day – the other time being whenever is convenient for you. When you do this in between bath time, you don’t have to have damp skin – just make sure it’s clean and free of any fragrances and anything else.

Got it? Good.

By the way, this is also a great way to stretch the hell out of the shelf-life of that “salon spray-on tan” – if you’re one of the lucky few who can still afford $17 or more a pop:

Follow the instructions for letting your new salon spray on tan set into your skin (usually about 4-6 hours before bathing). After your tan has set for at least five hours you can shower or bathe with a gentle soap…but DO NOT EXFOLIATE the first day. Apply regular body lotion ONLY while your skin is still damp as in the first set of instructions. Add a few drops of olive oil to keep your skin REALLY soft. Repeat this process into the second day.

On day 3 exfoliate LIGHTLY while bathing then apply your mixture of tanning product and lotion as above-mentioned. (You may want to cut down on the amount of tanner you mix with your lotion for the time being if you’ve just gotten a spray on tan – you don’t want to look like you were dyed in reverse Michael Jackson-style.)

Whether you’re beefing up a spray on salon tan or starting from scary white, by following this routine you will develop and/or keep a healthy golden glow. And this really works, although it may take time and patience to achieve the color you want – especially if you aren’t wearing any tan to begin with. And you can adjust the mixture to add more product and less lotion as needed – this will speed up the color depth process. (And remember – selecting a product with color bronzers will give you a subtle instant glow to begin with).

Eventually you’ll end up looking like you’ve spent the week at a sunny beach somewhere – (even if the last trip you took was down a flight of stairs)…

The gal on the end looks like she could be that tomato’s sister, doesn’t she? (Something about the mouth….)

One of these days – if it hasn’t happened already that is – you’ll glance in the mirror and your heart will stop. And for once the fact that you’re a broke-ass 47 year old who can’t get a job at McDonalds won’t bother you as much as seeing Grandma’s face (on her worst “old lady” day) staring back at you in ironic amusement. Only you won’t be amused, will you?

As you start to panic over the seemingly sudden appearance of the dry lifeless, and getting wrinkled! skin, along with the sags and bags that now cover your once Dewey complexion, it dawns on you that maybe you shouldn’t have bagged on Grandma for getting old, wrinkly and well…baggy. Even though though you had the courtesy to make fun of her sharpei wrinkles behind her crooked old back you now wonder…is there a chance she might have heard your cruel comments? You realize that you may have royally screwed the pooch when you picked on her pouches, but its too late for sorries now – Grandma’s been dead and gone for 25 years or so. Yet it appears that she’s somehow come BACK from beyond the grave to get her revenge…on YOUR face (which is becoming the very face you used to make fun of) Can’t you just hear Grandma’s gleeful cackle at the meting out of justice? Hmmm….what to do….

Face lifts and other surgical treatments are OUT. Did I mention you’re BROKE? And besides, you never did well with knives – remember that “situation” with the genital warts you had to have removed last year after a fuzzy drunken night o’ love with that toothless guy you met at the free clinic? And forget those foreign sounding face creams, they’re way too expensive and they never worked on Grandma’s face although she bought EVERY damn one of them at some point in her life. So should you just sit there and shrivel up like a prune, day after day, until you start getting calls to audition for California Raisins – The Next Generation?

I heard it through the grape vine Granny...

Hell NO! We don’t roll that way do we Mildred? (Oh was that your Granny’s name? Sorry, you just look SO much like her…) Luckily for you, once again I have a solution that’s right up your alley – It’s cheap, it’s edible (in it’s other role as food that is) and is WORKS! (unlike you…) What is this miracle “anti-grandma face” wonder cure? Why the lowly tomato, of course…. It acts just like store bought alpha hydroxy cream but it’s pennies on the dollar PLUS it won’t wear out your skin as “man made” alpha hydroxy cream does. In essence, the juice of the tomatoes perform a natural chemical peel on your skin.

A word to the wise. If you get your tomatoes from a store then you can skip this section. But it you are getting some from a neighbors plant or stealing them from a farmers field somewhere, know that tomato plants often have illegal aliens hanging UNDER their branches – the very disgusting TOMATO WORM. You may have not seen a tomato worm before but once you do you will never forget it’s ugly florescent green hue and evil unicorn horn. They kinda of come out of nowhere, even after you swear you’ve already gone leaf by leaf and deemed your tomato plants clean, so just watch out – they have stingers.

Even when they’re trying to be festive they’re UGLY AS HELL, aren’t they?

And for those of you who think it’s fun to inhale whip cream from cans and lick toads to get high – let’s be very clear on one thing – these ugly “things”, should you be crazy enough to want to eat one, are NOT edible like that “other” worm, made so popular by former acid heads who’ve switched over to Jose Cuervo – so don’t find one and down it, thinking it will get you high.

THIS worm is a tequila worm:

(In reality it looks more like a formaldehyde-soaked “johnson”. Hey, maybe we’ve located the rest of the missing peepee of the infamous, adulturous and surely regretful, Wayne Bobbitt. For those of you in a coma at that time, back in the 1980s Wayne Bobbitt, along with an entire southwestern state police force, searched frantically to find his missing dong before it was too late to reattach it. A crucial part of it was actually located in the field where it landed after Mrs. Bobbitt tossed it from a car window on the freeway – this happening after an enraged Mrs. cut it off one night as Wayne lay peacefully dreaming of schtupping young hookers with firm boobies. Anyway, whatever it is in that jar – dong, worm – it’s not all THAT in my opinion.

OK so you’ll need two tomatoes. Pick two fresh plump red tomatoes (sans worms of course) and place them on a cutting board. Get a very sharp steak knife and Bobbitt each tomato into thin slices. Place them in an empty bowl. Don’t throw the juice away – I’ll tell you why in a moment.

OK – Moments up.

The theory behind the tomato slices is that you place them all over your face and lay flat for 20 minutes. Doesn’t work, I’ve tried laying in the tub with my head back, I’ve tried laying perfectly still and flat on the bed (no pillow behind my head) – they keep sliding off the face no matter what you do. Try it if you want to, maybe you’ll have better luck than I did.

But to me the alternative works just as well. There are several different recipes for the tomato skin tonic, but as your desperate to keep that vengeful “Grandma skin” at bay as soon as possible, I’m going to give you the simplest one:

After you sluice and squeeze the juice from the slices into your bowl (seeds are fine and you can’t avoid getting some of them anyway), you simply use your fingertips and apply the juice to a clean, dry face – avoiding the eye area, lips and mouth, of course. It has more consistancy than water and dries pretty quickly. Be sure to wrap your hair up in a towel beforehand, as the tomato juice is sticky and you’ll be sure to get some seeds drying in various places on your skin – you don’t want to be picking them out of your hair.

As I mentioned before, tomato juice right from the tomato acts as a natural chemical peel, so after 20 minutes is done and you rinse with cool water, you may find that your face is as red …as a tomato! ( LOL, couldn’t resist that one) The redness will go away fast. After your tomato peel is completed just apply skin creme as normal and you’re good to go.

Do this 2 to 3 times per week and send Granny back to the grave…where she belongs…Have fun!

You’re over 40. Your skin is dry and dull. Your face is starting to show off those fine lines (you know the ones I mean). There’s some deep ones around the mouth from 5 years of making constipated faces behind the back of the boss who continually pisses you off; crowsfeet or “squinters lines” you picked up from all those late nights that found you swerving home, a wee bit tipsy, from the bars -(Concentrating on making out the road divder lines and trying hard to uncross your eyes at the same time will do that to the delicate skin around a girl’s eyes!)

And don”t forget those forhead “who me?” grooves you accrued while trying to con the many nice policemen who pulled you over on some of those nights.

No I CAN'T tell you your future...I read PALMS NOT FACES!

Remember this?

Face it – trying to have a fun but sense-dulled life is rough on the old complextion. You only WISH you were that pimply-faced teenager once again. What you wouldn’t give for a little skin oil!

REVERSE Polka Dots!!

Well, you’re in luck! I’ve got just the appetizer for you…

From the back streets of the Bronx and Brooklyn! Stuck between the secret receipe for Great Great Great Grandmother Zeldamona’s pizza dough and a lost can of “MamaMIA! Loosa Dat Musa stacha!” Feminine Hair Remover, is this ancient Chinese secret for smooth skin. REVEALED at last by a group of our lovely italian sisters! (The Madonna sisters not the DeLuise females)

The secret? Good old extra virgin olive oil mixed with regular face cream. I swear this makes a difference to your skin! Extra virgin olive oil and soybean oil, in fact – Campania brand. You can buy it from the 99 Cents Only Store for only 99 cents!

For your reading pleasure and beauty edification I now present to you, part of a post I borrowed from Yahoo! ANSWERS that gives you the oil rub low down…

“Olive oil is one of those magical substances that is good for almost everything–your diet, your skin, your hands and nails, and your hair. Prized for its cosmetic uses since ancient times, olive oil is relatively inexpensive and can be purchased in most grocery stores.” (Remember ladies….99 Cents Only stores!)

“Use extra virgin, as brands labeled “pure” and “light” have been chemically processed. Because the oil’s fat composition is very similar to that of human skin, it rarely causes allergic reactions. In addition, it’s absorbed quickly and helps lock in moisture in the skin. The high percentage of unsaturated fat and vitamins A and E, helpful in preventing sun damage, also work on the outside to soothe and replenish, particularly sensitive skin. It is also pure, and unmixed with anything but water, unlike other oils.”

“You may find you love this elixir enough to buy an attractive storage bottle so you can keep it in the bathroom rather than dragging the big container out of the kitchen every night. And if you don’t like the smell, you can always mix it with a little of your favorite hand, body, or hair lotions.” (I mix it with lavendar lotion when applying it to my body – also from 99 Cents Only stores…hey, I should be getting a kick back from this!)

See How Good HIS Skin Looks?

Every post I researched in the past two months, old wives tales and clinician’s opinions alike, have given roughly the same information and that was good enough for me! So if you’re into gettin’ greasy here is what I do for soft, supple rehydrated skin:

Buy Extra Virgin olive oil with soy oil …Make those Vegans happy with an act of random blandness (HINT: Soy oil is GREAT for the skin as well)

After cleaning your face with a good soap and water. Dry it.

Mix your oil (don’t go overboard you might slip in an oil spill and break a hip – NOT GOOD at our ages…) with some generic skin cream and blend well with your hands.

I start out by applying a good deal of my mixture to the neck as an anti-turkey waddle precaution.

Till you feel comfortable with the oily feeling, apply lightly to your face and blend it. (Avoid the areas that still have old faithful oil wells – the nose and parts of the chin etc).

Let the mixtures absorb into your skin before applying any makeup.

For a body mositurizer use a scented lotion if you wish, add some oil, blend and rub all over your body!

I perform this routine A.M and P.M. before bed. In a day or so your whole body and face should feel and appear smoother and you won’t have to worry for a few more years about looking like this…

Lookin' Sharp Sharpei-girl...

Always remember this wee factoid: How good, or not good, someone’s outsides look are only as good as they pamper their insides. Feed your body good nutritious foods, drink plenty of win water, walk up and down a couple of stairs a day (If you don’t have stairs walk all over some scapegoat – it’s great exercise and it feels sooo good ..) and sleep once in a while dammit!

Disclaimer: This post, although humorous, is solely the product of the tried and true opinion of the author, who researches information on her own and follows left field alternative ways to stay healthy and keep youthful. The reader is highly encouraged to check out all the in information available out there on the WWW, including any precautions regarding certain medical conditions. And if a reader thinks Peanut Oil of OLAY! is going to do it for her, the author says “Have at it!!” Not everything is for everyone. The author will not be held liable for any grease adventures gone awry and will not accept being slammed with a lawsuit by the angry family of a woman who after reading this post, slathers herself in garlic-flavored oil olive, goes out on for a night on the town to show off her glowing skin and gets eaten by a moron who was really hungry at that particular moment, craving italian food, couldn’t find a pizza place open and consumed her on the spot. So word to the wise – one might not want to step on out smelling like “Taste o’ Italy”..

Here is a beauty treatment that all of us ladies have used at least once in our lives – covering our faces in cream to fight the wrinkles!!

OOPS! Wrong Cream SORRY....

(How’d that file get in here?) Anyway…

I am speaking of all the times we wasted our money for promises in the night that never occur! Slapping on that wrinkle treatments, falling into bed, and sleeping off another Heiny-buzz and all for what? A face that looks more wrinkled, if anything, the next day???

The only OTC product I’ve tried that seems to actual do something for the face is alpha-hydroxy. It works by peeling the tops layer of your skin gently off to reveal new skin underneath! I used to be able to afford the generic brand of alpha hydroxy for about $13 at Walgreens, but that was last year in another life.

HOWEVER!!! I did discover something for under $3 that works just as well oweing to containing the same lactic acid complex as the man-made alpha hydroxy, but it’s cheaper AND the dermatologist who suggested it says it won’t make your skin worse in later years like the manmade version might end up doing….

Here it is folks!

Come on! You've had worse things on your face..

Ok here are the directions (so easy I swear):

1. Buy a tub of PLAIN yogurt at the grocery store; brand does NOT matter. But it has to be PLAIN (organic is better.

2. After washing your face and drying, apply the yogurt as a mask all over the face and neck (avoiding the eyes) and let dry for 20 minutes. If you’re ADHD and can’t handle 20 minutes doing nothing, Oprah! is probably on some channel somewhere bragging about giving away money but conveniently forgetting that I have been sending her my address and sob story for three years now, beeotch!!.

3. Wash off with warm H2o, then splash cold H2o on face and slather with moisturizer.

Your face may be sensitive at first but the redness will go away, I promise. The coolest thing about this yogurt treatment is it’s natural, AND the more you use it the smoother your face is; it even evens out your skin tone after awhile.

NOTE: If after applying the yogurt for a minimum of 2 weeks straight and your face continues to look like this –

Anyone seen my Sharp-pay?

Give up trying to look young and just be happy if you can still take a dump every day!!!