26/11 attacks: Dealing with loss

Jan 29, 2013, 01.01PM IST

26/11 attacks: Dealing with loss

Tough times are said to be the best test of relationships. But is 'being there' really an apt parameter?

It was a crisis of the highest order, our eyes where glued to TV sets, and ears to our phones. We wanted minute-by-minute update of even those whom we might have met only once, or even a friend's friend, and wanted to be a part of the siege, the affected. We are talking about the 26/11 attacks four years ago in Mumbai.

How difficult was it then to talk about things, or just be there for someone who'd been dragged in the gruesome action.

Many admit, at such times, a call or a visit may not be the easiest thing, being on the other side, separated from the ground zero by the television set's glass pane. They swear that a volley of emotions, including confusion, besieged them. Yes, confusion!

MNC professional Gauri Kartik knew of a friend's family in one of the hotels taken over by attackers, but couldn't get herself to call and say that everything will be okay. "At such times, words just don't measure up enough to console anyone. They fail to have a healing effect. Such times, I withdraw."

Then again, there's more confusion when your loved ones want to withdraw while you think it's best to talk things out. In fact sometimes, a person doesn't want to see a close friend who might have been there with him/her through the rough days. Such behaviour shakes the other person, and sometimes even affects the relationship. "People tend to cut off as it reminds them of the incident. At such times, just give space," advises Psychiatrist Dayal Mirchandani.

But such tendencies aren't always easily put up with in a society. And relationships feel the pressure. Explains Sociology professor Kishwar Panna, "Our society is so structured that in times of crisis we are conditioned to express our care and concern, which is equally expected from the other side. In fact, once we tide over bad times, we tend to look back and see who came by, and also feel disappointed over no show by some whom we expect to care."

But then, there are also those who feel hesitant to call, not because they don't care. They have company with those who prefer to be left alone in crisis. They are also very much part of every society, agrees Panna.

Seventeen-year-old Nisha Rane shares, "My classmate's father was stuck at the Trident, but it felt horrible to call and say things like 'all will be fine' or 'he'll come out alive'. I chose to rather not talk about the incident at all. Three months later, we planned a small get-together and gave my friend a bravery certificate for tiding over the bad times, and also gifted a present to his father, who survived."

What Gauri and Nisha felt then was also something most on ground zero expected — to be left alone. Joel Benson Kurulkar shared a special relationship with Gavriel Holtzberg, whom the Jewish community lost in the attack. He relives those five days of hope, fear, blood, pain and loss, "We happened to speak twice on the eve of November 26. And then the news came, and I rushed there. It was tiring to receive calls, and being told that they saw me in TV. Many would call for updates. It was unnerving. I couldn't help but think then that if they were really concerned, they shouldn't just be calling, but be right there!"

So, for the sake of our loved ones, where do we draw the line, and most importantly when do you know what not to do?

Dr Mirchandani says "Those extremely close should call in times of crisis, if they can't be present personally. But they should also try not to raise doubts in the minds of those going through trying times." He advises that gestures are more important than words of kindness. Take up responsibilities like ensuring they get their meals, or volunteering to take care of kids.