The Boldness of Love

Confronting Confrontation

Most people I know really hate confrontation. In fact, most people will do almost anything to avoid it. So things get swept under the rug, avoided, ignored. The more distressing the issue, the more intense the desire to push it from consciousness. Ever wonder why we as humans tend to avoid these confrontations? I suspect it is because we are afraid that the confrontation will actually make the situation even worse than it already is; we are afraid that the situation will become irreparable, or that we will get vilified in the process. Or, that we might have to actually do something about it. Denial and avoidance quickly become more desirable options than honest, often uncomfortable conversation.

Like everyone, I have had my share of situations in which I would have much rather just swept things under the rug and walked away. Why? Because the thought of confronting someone I genuinely like and care about is something I really don’t want to have to do. Yet these situations come up in all spheres of one’s life—with colleagues, with friends, and with family. As I have mulled over the potential scenarios in my mind, imagining how heated the conversation could get, or how devastated the person might become, in each case I have ended up wanting to scamper off on the Alaskan tundra—far away from potential confrontation! Sometimes while contemplating some of the difficult conversations I need to have, I find that suddenly the dullest task becomes electrifyingly fascinating. But in my heart of hearts I know that avoidance is only a path to a worse situation, and that getting on with the business of confrontation is ultimately the only option.

Over the course of my career, in the face of multiple situations that needed confronting---honest hard conversations-- it has become apparent to me that I need a reliable strategy to get myself through them. So recently, I decided to intentionally prepare for each meeting by spending some time in quiet meditation. I found that my desire for avoidance now more often turns to compassion, and that much to my surprise, in each case I was able to articulate the transgression or problematic behavior to the individual involved while still maintaining a connection to their inherent goodness. The conversations were still tough, but in stark contrast to other situations where I have mustered up the courage to confront someone and it has gone poorly, these times have been different.

In the past confrontation has typically resulted in one or both parties becoming defensive, and so in an effort to convince them of the error of their ways I would intensify my approach -- inevitably leading to even more defensive posturing. When I have been able to stay in a place of honest but compassionate confrontation, the outcome has been strikingly and consistently different. In each and every difficult conversation that has followed intentional mindful preparation, the individual has courageously accepted responsibility for their behavior and resolved to take a different approach going forward. Rather than the relationship suffering a rupture, the relationship deepens.

As I reflect on these experiences I’m realizing that confrontation is really about being mindful of the dignity of others. Perhaps the term confrontation is no longer an appropriate descriptor; perhaps it is an honest and intentional exchange. It becomes about boldly but lovingly speaking the truth, and doing it with intentionality. These strategies are helpful for me not only as an administrator but in all aspects of my life. You might want to try it next time you find yourself considering avoiding that tough conversation…