So I logged into a social networking app today and said hi to some people. A few are a bit sketchy, a couple are relatively sane. It’s a nice change of pace from the crazies I usually end up with.*

Trying to meet people online is like trying to cross the Sahara without a water skin. Sometimes you find an oasis, sometimes not. It’s sad that most people don’t even respond. I take that back. It’s infuriating. I mean, you obviously aren’t that fucking busy if you’re logged into a chat app, right? Who does business that way? No one I’ve ever met. Ok, there was that one hooker, but that was just a conversation. Really. It was free and there was no business contact with him whatsoever and you can’t prove otherwise!

I know I’m not that ugly, some would even say I’m cute, so maybe I’m the crazy one. But, really, I always thought I was more loveably insane than axe-murder-crazy. Although the whole staying awake for days on end until I begin to hallucinate thing might prove me wrong someday. I might end up hallucinating someone is trying to kill me or end up completely nuts like dude in “My Bloody Valentine”. You never know.

And that’s the entire problem with meeting people online: you never know. They could really be an organ harvester looking to sell your kidneys on the black market or, worse yet, your testicles. How much would that suck to wake up in a bathtub filled with ice only to find your testicles gone?

But I guess it could always be worse. I could always end up on the news like George Michaels and have to release a music video with gold urinals. Talk about tacky. I never want to be forced to save face by releasing a video like that. I mean, disco is so out of style it’s not even funny.

*Please note that I could, very well, be lying through my teeth. That’s the great thing about this medium: I can say or do whatever I want. As long as somebody finds it entertaining, that’s all that matters.

So, on this whole “I need a new job” thing, I’m totally thinking of taking the great advice I was given and taking the pharmacy job, especially after tonight.

It finally happened, every convenience store clerks (almost) worst fear: I got robbed. But at least my masculinity’s still in tact because:

I didn’t break down/burst into tears/curl into fetal position at the sight of the gun

I was complimented by the Area Manager as having the most “by the book robbery” he’s every seen (yay me, I guess)

I didn’t wet my pants

So, here I sit, at my computer, in dry Fruit of the Looms, very grateful to be alive and unholy.

However, I feel as if I must address the robber personally, so here it is:

Dear Mr. Robber Guy,

Thank you for being so polite and thanking me for offering you a new bag after I dropped the one you gave me. Also, thank you for not shooting me, although, I must say, you weren’t very intimidating, and if that’s what you were going for, I would highly recommend you do a couple of things before you attempt to rob another store. That way, in the future, you won’t come across as such a pansy and will, in fact, come across as the major douche canoe you are.

Here is the numbered list of things you could do to actually seem intimidating, in no particular order of importance:

Grow a couple of inches

I know, it’s not necessarily in your control and has more to do with your parents (who obviously didn’t raise you very well, unless they raised you to terrorize people who are grossly underpaid to clean up other people’s poo and have guns pointed at them so you don’t have to be grossly underpaid to actually pay for your mortgage, your parents tires, electricity/gas, water, cable, etc, in which case they did a bang up job, pardon the pun) and genetics than anything else. There are some great products you can use to make yourself taller, which will also help you in the long run since you’ll be harder to identify if the clerk you’re robbing thinks your 5’8″ instead of the dinky 5’4″ you actually are.

Carry a real gun

This is Texas. In Texas, attempting to rob a convenience store with a .22 caliber pistol makes you seem gay. If you are gay, that’s cool, because I’m bi and I’ll probably see you at the club, bar, or possibly Hot Bodies someday, which would be fine, although, no matter how hot you are, don’t expect me to hook up with you, unless I don’t recognize you, which is unlikely, as I will likely never hook up with another Latin male again, thanks to you (which really pisses me off because I think Latin guys are extremely hot and the last guy I was with was the most polite hookup I’ve ever had in my life, and also the best, so thank you, kind sir, for ruining my sex life even more than it already is). However, if you, in fact, are not gay, might I recommend at the very least a .45 or larger, preferably a Desert Eagle because they look more intimidating, or, better yet, a sawed off shot-gun. I’d definitely have to go with the sawed off shot-gun since you’re going to need it anyway during the zombie apocalypse. And duct tape. You cannot forget the duct tape.

Don’t be polite.

Being polite is extremely cool, and shows just how good you are at what you do, especially in a situation like a robbery where anything could happen and you and I are completely at the whim of the other. I certainly appreciate you being polite, however, you need to sound more authoritative when giving directions to the clerk. Don’t ASK me to give you the money. I mean, sure, you didn’t use any of the question words, but you didn’t exactly order me to give you the money, either. Think about all the robbery scenes you’ve seen in movies. The robbers generally scream at the people, not meekly say “Give me the money”. That’s not okay in a robbery. You gave me the impression that, had it not gone against our corporate policy, I could have said, “No. Now get the FUCK OUT OF MY STORE BEFORE I WHIP YOUR ASS, BITCH!” And then you would have run away all frightened like. Doesn’t make you seem very manly. Just because you have the gun doesn’t make you the bigger man. Especially a .22 (see point 2, above).

In conclusion, Mr. Robber Guy, I’d like to say thank you for being so kind, but please take the advice above so your next robbery attempt is much more successful.

So I’ve tried doing the whole online dating thing and let me just say, the Internet is full of creepy people. There was the chick who’s obsessed with her cow, little Bo Peep, and the countless women who I’ve never spoken to that reply to my add with “how sad you’re so desperate you’ve stooped so low as to use an online dating site” despite them having joined when the site opened…so I thought, hey, why discriminate? Guys can be sexy so I’ll see what’s out there…

Worst. Idea. Ever.

So far I’ve found a guy obsessed with microwaves, a 40 year old who’s “not ready to settle down”, an unemployed man who’s too busy fighting for unemployment to find a job to replace the one he lost almost a year ago, and a whackjob who lives with his mother.

Now, don’t think I’m being discriminitory or anything against the guy who lives with his mom. I live with my parents so they don’t burn down the house, but, really dude, it’s okay to get outside every now and again. And, also, I don’t need you to email me every five minutes telling me just how horny/lonely/bored you are or that you just took a massive poo. If you want to tell people that, great, get on Twitter.

So I have come to the conclusion that I’m either supposed to be single or I’m going to have to unconvert from Judaism and become a priest…

*****it’s not an update since I hadn’t published it yet, but I had to add this*****

I was thinking about this post and possibly going back to dating women last night when, suddenly, like a gift from Heavan, the most gorgeous man I’ve laid eyes on walks into my store with a smile and a skip in his step. He was kind, sweet, outgoing. The problem? What should have been a 30 second transaction turned into a 15 minute (no exageration, there is video evidence, it honestly took 15 minutes) transaction because he was trying to do the math on how much gas his car would take, but kept interrupting himself so he couldn’t concentrate on the math, and then yelled at me for interrupting him.

Then it turns out he overpaid for his gas and wanted his change. No problem. Except that he spent 20 minutes scouring the parking lot trying to find a penny so he didn’t get back $1.99 because, “Really, who wants all those pennys? They’re such a hassle and I have tons of change at home and don’t really need anymore because it’s not really worthwhile and I have all these cards for my bank so I don’t usually carry cash but I totally hate using my credit cards and debit cards and hey what’s this petition thing you guys have here maybe I should sign it to stop unfair swipe fees and are you going to give me my change or, oh, wait, it’s in my hand, but I guess I’ll go since you cut me off so I couldn’t finish talking so, whatever.”

Then I was extremely greatful that, despite being single, I’m not desperate enough to date that.