Friday, December 28, 2012

Another day off and all alone!
I have been off since last friday...not by my choice but this vacation has been full of relaxation and doing the much needed cleaning around the house. I have not worked out once this week :( I had every intention to workout but that was thrown out the window. The good thing was the only day that I cheated was christmas which I had ice cream and candy. I had every intention of working out but laziness got in the way and I took full advantage of no kids, no work, and no working out. I have hardly watched any television. I spent my days listening to music and cleaning, today was spent working on my blog.
Now I am lounging around today waiting to go visit a friend. The one thing that I like the most is chilling in my pj pants.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I am glad that Christmas is over. Yesterday I was a wreck. Let me paint a picture of how I was looking lol.
You know those chic flicks where you see the girl in front of the television crying and eating ice cream? Yea that was me.
Even after Jeremiah realized there was something wrong with me I couldn't stop crying.
Here's another example of how much of a train wreck I was... I looked at the sun set last night and started crying.
So see how emotional I was yesterday?
The best part is Jeremiah has been making fun of me ever since. You would think that would upset me but it doesn't it actually makes me laugh. It isn't healthy if you can't laugh at yourself.
For instance today I slept until 9:40 and began my morning and when I said I've only been up for 40 minutes Jeremiah laughs at me and I explain how I needed the sleep after the train wreck of a day, so Jeremiah says "yesterday wasn't the train wreck you were!" So I begin laughing about it.
Laughter makes everything better.
Today is a much better day, I don't feel depressed and I'm not looking at something and just start crying.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I have lived in CT for almost 11 years now and I've never felt this way during the holidays.
It is hard not having family around or any family that cares to be around.
Every Christmas my kids leave by 10 am to their father's to spend time with them and normally it doesn't affect me but today it has been really hard.
We usually do something for Christmas and this year the plans fell through so I have been sitting home all day and my Christmas lunch was soup, which was delicious however it was no ham, potatoes and gravy, rolls, and pie.
Jeremiah isn't even affected by the fact that we have nowhere to spend Christmas.
Last year we decided to drive to NY Christmas morning and what a joke that was.
So instead of working out today I have decided to cry away my sorrows.
I took down all the Christmas decorations as soon as we got home from dropping off the kids to their dad's, which is something that I do every year after the kids leave so that I can unclutter my living room. It gets crowded during the winter with the stack of wood, tree, and furniture.

Well even tough I am depressed I will move on to it's just another day..................................................

Well after I initially wrote this I went to the store and got some Ben & Jerry's and movies from Red Box came home went to my room and started watching movies and had a good cry.

Jeremiah realized that something was wrong and came to talk to me but all I did was keep crying. Now let me remind you I never cry. Its not that I am a hard ass (well I am) but for some reason I don't get emotional and cry.

Like I said it never affected me that I couldn't visit during the holidays because I always visit every year so I don't understand why I was all emotional. Maybe early menopause?? I mean I am only 31 but it could be possible.

The one thing that I dislike about vacations is the lack of motivation.
I really like being able to finally sit home and do nada or possibly catch up on the mountain of laundry and the dust bunnies at are starting to have a mind of their own. So today instead of going to the Temple I decided to tackle the laundry and Jeremiah took Logan paintballing for a birthday party.

So my only goal for the day is to make sure I work out to finish this week off and move onto week 4. Then I'll have 4 weeks left to finish that rotation.

This vacation is going to be filled with visiting my friends that I haven't seen in a while but I am going to miss my babies but it is nice to have a break from everything. The only problem that I have is that Jeremiah is going to spend it with me (that bastard). I love him dearly but when this mama wants her alone time that means away from him too. Its not his fault that his boss is going on vacation for the holiday but it just seems that when I have a day off he does too but when he has a day off I am at work so he gets to spend it all alone.

See I don't get much me time and that is fine but when that time does come I like to take full advantage of it and not be bothered. Either way I'll be having a good time catching up with friends.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results -Albert Einstein

I have come to learn the error of my ways in believing that I can change people and situations to what I believe is correct. It took me a long time to figure that out. I have been working on understanding that when things change I have to accept that change and stop analyzing what the outcome is going to be. That is my constant struggle.

With Jeremiah he calls me out on my constant need to control EVERYTHING! He is good at telling me that when a situation is out of my control that I can't change it nor can I change the outcome.

I tend to dwell on the negative when things happen that are out of my control. I tend to plan for the worst scenario just so that I know what to expect and have planed my nect move. A little neurotic I know but the way I see it is I have already expected the worst outcome and have planned how to fix it if it goes that route. I do not like the unknown.

It seems contradicting when I say I like change but I only like change if I am in control of it.

All of my life I said I would never get married. I didn't marry my daughter's father who I spent 5 years with, I didn't marry my son's father who I spent 4 1/2 years with, but I am going to marry Jeremiah whom I have spent 6 years with. I know it seems odd but with Jeremiah he is my one and only. 6 years and there is nothing that has come between us.

So Saturday I went to a Buddhist Temple and it was interesting. It was hard to enjoy what was going on because they discussed the incident that happened on Friday with Newtown. It is horrible to think that one person could harm so many young children. I had to stay off Facebook because way to many people voiced their opinions on what needs to change. Don't get me wrong this is horrific however pointing the finger is not going to help.

Gun control is not going to help, reforming the health program is not going to help, keeping your kids home from school is not going to help, what would help is if Congress and the President were to take a paycut for one year and place metal detectors in all schools with security officers as well it would help to eliminate those entering into schools with weapons.

Those in Congress and President do not send their children to inner schools no instead they send their children to schools that have metal detectors and security. If they can have the luxuary to do so then we as regular citizens should have the same opportunity.

It is frustrating that so many people on Facebook have been personalizing the situation. There is no reason for people who were not truely effected by this tradegy to keep thier children out of school today. Don't get me wrong everyone is effected by this but to say "I am afraid to send my children to school tomorrow, or I am affraid for my childrens safety at school." I understand how this is effecting people and their thoughts but to refuse your child their education for an incident that did not truely effect them is a little overboard.

I have read on Facebook that teachers should be armed and trained, I think it is a wonderful idea but instead of lethal weapons I believe that they should be armed with Tasers. I don't beleive that it would be safe to have teachers armed as there may come a situation that will arrise when a student attemps to take the gun from the teacher.

Regardless how they handle it gun control is not the option in my opinion.

Friday, December 14, 2012

It is getting harder and harder to go on Facebook or watch the news. This happened 45 minutes from where I live and when I first heard it I didn't believe it until I stated seeing people circling around the television in the teachers lounge at work.

My heart is heavy

I am at a loss for word.
I mean how can someone go into an Elementary school and kill young kids?!?
Before Fucking Christmas?!?!
Fuck this is so sick and twisted!!

I don't care how hard you think your life is there is nothing that is going on in your life that gives anyone the right to harm young innocent children!!

Yet there are children who will not be able to see tomorrow, say I love you to their parents and families, grow up to be successful. This has nothing to do with gun control laws! This has to do with the sick individuals who use a weapon to get their point across.

We have been at war with Drugs, have we won? Are the pharmaceutical companies making it easier to obtain drugs? Think about this has the government been successful? NO instead they cut health insurance so that these sickos cant get the help they need even if they needed it.

Guns are not the issue, and if your claim is that if the laws were stricter then people wouldn't be able to kill people with a gun, your wrong.

Our government has made drugs and guns available secretly so both drugs and guns will continue to be around.
I am not forcing my opinions however I will be in probation/parole and I will feel much safer knowing that if I put someone away and they decided to cast revenge I will have something to protect myself with.

Think about this if those teachers were allowed to have a gun someone could have killed him before he caused more destruction.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

It seems that I am down more than Jeremiah is.
When I am down everyone is down with me. I don't mean to do it nor take it out on anyone but it seems to happen. Think it is depression or my mood disorder kicking in. I once seen a therapist because I was going through so much stuff and no one could relate to my issues. So they figured out why every 5 years shit falls apart however I couldn't remember what happened when I was 5 in order to figure out the under lining cause.
It made since as to why I couldn't make it passed the 5 year mark with my kids dads. However I seemed to make it to 6 years with Jeremiah. I know it seems odd but every 5 years something ridiculous happens. This year the incident that happened was my job shut down so that marked the 5-year curse. I am so very grateful that I have Jeremiah and the kids by my side with a roof over our heads

What makes us perfect together is that when I am down he is always there telling me to keep positive. When he is down I am there to keep him positive.
6 years and still going strong!

So since my life has been a consistent roller coaster I have decided to go to a Buddhist Temple. I am not religious but I am a strong believer in Karma & Faith. So it seemed fitting to get Karma & Faith tattooed last year on my index fingers as a reminder. Many find it odd that my 13th tattoo was Karma but I am not superstitious so the number 13 has no relevance.

When I am stressed I forget to keep Faith that it will all work out. You would think that I would realize that by now but it is my nature to stress out about everything.

I am looking forward to visiting the temple. I just need to find peace within myself and remind myself that I need to focus on myself.
I am anxious, as I don't know what to expect. I don't expect to be treated different, on the contrary I expect to be welcomed with open arms.

I am hoping that this is exactly what I need to find peace within myself.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What do you do when there are only 3 stalls and the one on the right is used what is your choice? Do you use the middle or go to the open one on the left and leave the middle one open between?

It’s the constant toilet struggle

I have watched Guy Code and they did this one skit about the choice of urinals. Since then I have been noticing that when there are 3 stalls the middle one is the last choice. For me when I need to tinkle I don't care which stall is open I need to use it.

I don't understand what the issue is...I mean we are all the same and we all excrete the same way so why is it so weird?

Well there are times where it is all quiet and I have to poop and I can only wonder what the next person is thinking as they are hearing me.

I find it amusing when I use a public restroom so many little delinquents writing on the walls within the stalls. I choose that as my reading material when I need to use the restroom.

I remember being one of those delinquents and writing I <3 someone however now I realize how stupid that was since no one knows who wrote it and that person who I <3'ed at that time would never see it in the first place, but the other little girls would spread the rumor that someone wrote about them. Shoot now a days you can take a picture of it and show it to the person being talked about in the stall lol. The usage of technology!

Even though I said I will use a public restroom when I've gotta go, well if there is no clean toilets then I will do the pee pee dance and layer the toilet if I have to sit or do the hover. You know when you do a squat and hold yourself up above the toilet so nothing touches. That is one thing I can do well lol.

I am not a germaphobe however I make it my goal to not touch anything; for instance I flush the toilet with my foot as that handle grosses me out and when I wash my hands I do not touch the door handle! Ugh

Another thing I love is using the restroom when someone else is having a conversation. One time someone was on the phone while others are using the restroom. Have you ever done that in a public restroom? I have used the restroom at home while on the phone but that's about it. I have however held conversations in the restroom with my restroom buddy. You know when you and your girlfriends are; out you have restroom buddies. Never go alone!!

One thing that I have found myself doing is if there is when you have those huge restroom that have like 20 toilets I will go as far away as possible. Not too sure why though.
So next time you use a public restroom think about your choice in stall lol.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Man oh man I don't think I have ever looked forward to a break as much as I am now!!

I go to Post University online which requires me to take hybrid classes which are 2 classes for months then switch to another 2. There are no summers off since it is broken up. This sort of makes no sense since I am taking a total of 4 classes in 4 months. Anyways I haven't had a break since January; the week in August didn't count lol.
So I am totally looking forward to this mini vacation from work + school!! I am finally going to visit some friends that I haven't seen in what feels like 4-Ever!

The other thing that I am looking forward too is taking down all the decorations that we just put up! I hate that my living room is so cluttered, between the stack of wood, rearranging furniture, and the tree there is no room.

I am not superstitious so taking it down before New Year’s doesn't bother me much.
Speaking of New Years I am beyond excited for it this year since I have a new hat to ring in the New Year with!

I can't wait to rock these new headbands. Don't worry I will upload a picture of each one! The one day of the year that I look forward too is New Years. We usually spend it with our friends Johnny & Kristin which always ='s a good time lol.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The one thing that I usually dislike about Christmas is the decorating. I know..I know how can you despise decorating?
Well it's simple when your the only one who is into it and decorating it takes all the fun out of Christmas.
Not this year! We all picked out decorations that we wanted to put on the tree. Logan picked out a lot of NY Yankee's ornaments. Lexi picked out lots of girly sparkly ornaments.
We all got into it this year! Even the kids wanted lights in their rooms since we had an abundance of lights.
Today Lexi and I took out pictures beside the tree and it made me realize we never gotten out family pictures done. EVER in 6 years! That's going to change lol.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

What the he'll is going on? Ugh I feel like I should be kicked off Blower for not Blogging daily. School has taken priority but soon I will have that break from school and I have set up some friendship time.
Both kids go to their fathers for school vacations which is very beneficial foe me because that allows me to catch up on everything that I have neglected for quite some time. For instance household chores, it seems those dust funnier have grown legs and are moving on their own, I suspect they'll run from me when I ley to get rid of this infestation lol.

So today I finished my second week of Insanity!! Total of 3 lbs. lost!! I need to loose 3 more pounds to get back to where I was when I ended my second round. So my goal of 15 lbs this month has turned into 18. I am going to work my hardest at getting to that goal and I am doing it a healthy way. I have 1 cheat day a week which I allow myself to eat whatever with in reason. I still can't eat spicy, too much carbs, and too much dairy as these still effect my stomach.

So we finished our Christmas decorations so tomorrow we are going to take our Christmas photos. Today we picked up their sticking staffers and as I was hiding them I found a present that we never gave to Lexi last year lol. Oh you should have seen the look on my face when I would that out. I mean how do you not realize that there has been an item in the bottom of my closet. The closet I have gone into for a year!! But just another present for this year!!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Im really enjoying this week, not sure if its because I have gotten into the holiday spirit or what but last night Jeremiah said the funniest thing.
So Lexi and I went to pick up her laptop and we decided to stop at Burger King to pick up one of their most delicious shakes ever.. Have you tried the Gingerbread milk shake get? Mmmm its is divine.
So we arrive home before Jeremiah and I look on the table and see Let's shake, and I tell her he's going to tweak out about the shake.
Let me remind you I did try to call and see when he would be home but he didn't answer.
His response after he discovers he doesn't have one is "mines in the fridge right?" I bust out laughing and tell him no.
He then says don't give me "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like Where the heck is my milk shake!!"
At this point I am about to fall out of my chair.
Then he goes "on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me..not a milk shake."
So he says that I should go to McD's and get him one, so like the good wifey that I am I drive to get him one but discover their shake machine is down so I say to Lexi he's going to flip when I walk in empty handed bahahaha.
I walk in without a shake in hand and the look on his face was priceless. Lexi runs away laughing.
He was my entertainment for the night lol.
Without him my life would be boring.

So the house is almost done decorating, we just need to finish putting up lights. I can't wait for Logan to see his room with the lights around his window.
~Peace Out~

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I haven't had the time to even blog school is taking over! But the end is near my friends, after this month I have 1 class left and that means I make graduation in May!! (Cheering and clapping)
I am so happy to be finishing school however I am really contemplating continuing my education and getting my masters, but I think I will wait for when I am fully established in my career.
So as I have been away I am finishing up this semester of school! I am so happy for the break that will be coming up and on top of that I will be on vacation from work too (double high five)! The only thing that stinks is that both kids go to their fathers for Christmas vacation that will give me time to myself. It has been a while since I have had anytime to myself. Its hard being employed, a student, a mommy, a wife, and a maid. I never have time for anything else.
I am however still on my goal of losing 15 lbs. I started the second round of Insanity and started week 2 yesterday. I am proud of myself because I am making time to stick with it and the plus side is I'll be on vacation soon so I will have all sorts of time to exercise. I will be able to visit those that I haven't seen in a while.
Last night we set up the tree and started decorating it. I enjoyed it, usually I very much despise setting up just because I have to rearrange the living room and it just seems so cluttered. So we bought new decorations that the kids picked out. Logan picked out several NY Yankees ornaments, and Lexi picked out lots of pink sparkly ornaments. Today I should be finished setting up everything.
Sorry it’s so short :)
~Peace Out~

Friday, November 30, 2012

I am overjoyed for no reason at all. I think it is the bad luck turning around and going to bother someone else. Things are not completely set but I am realizing that certain things that other people are doing is really none of my concern. I mean ya of coarse it's a bother that baby daddies aren't paying their full amount of child support but you know what? It's on them and they will have to answer to their wrong doings... again. Of coarse it sucks that I'll probably have to go to court again but it is what it is.
So I have been back to working out again. Restarted Insanity again and I am already sleeping better. You know something is wrong when Charlie Sheen is plaguing your sleep with super hero crap. But I am on a mission to loose at least 15 lbs this month. I know it is a lot however the first round of Insanity I did which is a 2 month program I lost 30 lbs and 4 inches! So my thought is if I did it once I can do it again right?? Right!
Every New Years we spend it with one of the sets of best friends. Yes we have a lot of best friends, especially couple best friends. Johnny & Kristin are awesome people who we regularly see and have sleep overs. What don't you still have sleep overs? Well it's fun! Our dogs love each other, let me remind you I have a Mastiff/Shepard mix and they have a Puggle. Don't question it, it works and they get along great hehe.
So back to my mission.. I want to dress up in a burlesque costume and I have a friend making me a top hat Love Her Tutu's. I am excited, so I think if I have a goal plan then I will stick to it.

So back to my rigid diet without straying.
I just recently looked up some tricks to help and one of the ideas is to eat a piece of fruit or veggie before eating. Has anyone heard of this?
The only problem that kills my diet is my mouth and inability to maintain control over my impulsive eating. I can't maintain control when doughnuts are at work, candy in the stores, or my daughter making tastefully red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting mmmmmm.

Well back on track to diet and exercise. I can and will do this...again.. Wish me luck ;)

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Oh man I am at a loss for words today. A co-worker who I have been getting close with is in the hospital due to a stroke. She is too young to have to be dealing with this; I'd say she's 40. Lately it seems everyone or someone within their family is having some health issues. I have sent my prayers to her and hope that she is okay. My mom has had health issues since I was 9 but it was real bad when she was 45 and had her first heart attack. That was a scary day for me. I was 15 and an ambulance came flying down my road and turned around and left. So I went inside to tell my mom about the weirdness I'd seen but I couldn't find her. I started up the stairs and there she was gasping for air trying to tell me something. I bolted up the stairs and she says 911.. phone. I pick up the phone and I don't hear anything so I hang it up and run downstairs and get the other phone. Next thing I know they are banging on the door, as soon as I open the door they rush in and to my mother. Now I didn't know of anything about her health problems so this was new and terrifying at the same time. I didn't know what to do or how to react, it was as if everything was slow motion and I couldn't move and then they put an IV into her arm and blood shot up into the air and they all scrambled around put her on a stretcher and started taking her away and she told me to call my gram. So I call my grammy and tell her what happened she told me to get to her house and she would start making the phone calls. The next thing I know we are going to the hospital in my grandmothers yellow boat of a car.
Once at the hospital it was like a family reunion, everyone was there including my sister. We took up the entire large waiting room and the phone was ringing off the hook with updated reports to others all the mean while I still have no clue what is going on. I was seeing everything but I was in shock so I wasn't processing anything. After sometime we were allowed into the ICU and this is where I break down.
My mother was hooked up machines that pumped things into her arms and tube down her throat, machines beeping, and humming. I cried, my grandmother cried, and then I watched my sister break down (which never happens). Now my grandmother went into hyper mode and started planning what was going to happen with me since I was in school. No one knew if my mother was going to pull through or how long it was going to take. So from that point on I was to stay at my grandmothers.
The next day I went home to shower and seems the dried blood there and broke down again. See it was just my mother and I. My sister Jacie and brother Steve were out of the house by the time I was 9. She was the one who raised me and in my mind there was no one else. I finished getting ready for school and off I went. The entire day was a blur as well as the walk home. Everyday we went to the hospital to visit, the first few days she looked the same..lifeless. Then she came around and my gram brought me up, I was so delighted to see her awake without the tube down her throat. And once again I cried. But she was different.
They say when people have a near death experience they change.
She was so angry with everyone for the fact that they revived her when her heart stopped beating. Twice.
You have no idea what it feels like to know that your parent who has raised you for 15 years wants to leave this plain. That hurt me more than someone taking a branding iron and touching my skin with it.
After a week she came home but still wasn't the same. We moved her bed downstairs to make it easier for her because she couldn't talk too well on her own. She didn't talk much, didn't get up much, so I was alone.
Then came the catholic channel...day and night..
She eventually started to come around but the pain in my heart was still there and I will never be able to let that heal.
The sad part is that my mom and I are not on speaking terms. It's nothing unusual but it it is upsetting that I don't have the normal mother daughter relationship. I know no one is perfect but I have tried to work out the differences but it's not happening. It is what it is for now but I hope things will change.
So I don't want to get old. I would like to live forever or at least be one of those 90-year-old women who still go dancing.
So if you hear of any vampire serums let me know.

1. Obviously me as a baby
2. My Grammy and I
3. My mom and I
4. My older sister Jacie, older brother Steve, my mom, and I Halloween
5. My mom and my aunts
6. My mom when she worked for Olan Mills Photography
7. My Grammy, my mommy, and my niece Gabby
8. My mom and Lexi when she was about 6 months old

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I was in a funk for a few weeks between the stress of court, getting my car fixed, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and just normal life stuff. When I am stressed my anxiety gets going which means I'm going to be a crazy person for a bit, and eat uncontrollably until it moves on.
I find that when everything is out of my control I myself get out of control. I have a hard time understanding there is so much that I can't control but it doesn't make a difference when my world flips upside down. For instance when Jeremiah broke his had we were just getting ready for Christmas, then that happened and I wasn't sure how things were going to get paid, how we were going to get things for Christmas, or what he was going to be like. See Jeremiah can't sit around doing nothing..he goes crazy which in turn makes me crazy. I don't like the uncertain and with his had it was uncertain as to if he was going to need surgery because the bone wouldn't stay in place, but it did and his cast is off and he is back to work. Thank God.
Have you ever tried dieting during the holidays? It's like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreo's, doesn't work out too well. I remember someone saying its a HoliDAY not a HoliWEEK or a HoliMONTH.
So over the weekend Lexi and her friend made all sorts of goodies. I bought some Reeses chips and white chocolate chip, red velvet cupcake mix, and a pecan and coconut mix too. So they made brownies with the chips and chocolate chip cookies. Delicious! Now she is making the red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. Now how am I supposed to stick with this damn diet?? Well I guess I will be working out extra hard and reducing what I eat so I can enjoy it hahaha.
~Peace Out~

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The one style that I can't stand to see are young men and boy's underwear!! Really please explain to me why you need to have your pants hanging below your behind? Every time I see a student with their underwear hanging out I tell them that I don't want to see their skid marks.
Another thing that is bothering me is this whole have my shoes untied and scuff them along the floor style. I can't stand hearing that and today I seen this kid with his shoes completely untied and scuffing along the floor and his feet were coming out of the shoe. How is this the new style? Do these kids realize that all they are doing is wearing down the shoes quicker which causes the parents to have to buy more pairs of shoes.
I understand why skateboarders and BMX riders wear there pants low but if your not skateboarding or BMXing then wear your pants on your hips!!! I am not sure if it is the area or the generation but when I ask the younger generation what their plan is after high school their response is "I don't have one." No I am no one to judge as I didn't go to college after high school but I did have a plan to go into the military since I grew up around a military base and that's what you were told, No college then military. That plan went down the drain when I found out I was pregnant with Lexi a month before graduation. Back then there wasn't the availability of online college like there is now. I completed my first degree in 2007, tried to become a police officer in 2010 but I gave myself 1 year to become a cop and if I didn’t then back to school, accepted into the National Criminal Justice Honor Society, now I will be completing my Bachelors in Criminal Justice May 2013! I know I'm the shit :)
I tell my kid’s everyday the importance of an education. I explain to them that I should have done things right and how I should have my bachelors and a career already. I use my cousin Ashley as an example; she is or was studying abroad in Argentina. Yup be jealous because I sure as hell am. Many say skool is not cool but they'll learn when they are my age and have no career.
My biggest fear is the interference of other's who try to tell my kids that school is for chumps but who is really the chump when their ass can't keep a job, no education, and are doing nothing with their life? I'd be jealous of us too when we are teaching the children that education is important. I want my kids to study abroad to have that adventure, I don't want them to struggle, and I want them to be proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I will do everything in my power to see that my children become successful regardless of all the bad influences in their lives.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

I have had quite a few bad experiences with the movie theater. I was boycotting the movie theater for a long time because of these experiences.
I don't pay a ridiculous amount of money to go see a movie just to hear people talking, kids kicking my seat, or people on their phones. Jeremiah has tried a dozen times to get me to go to the movies and I refuse over and over. Tonight I broke down and brought Lexi to go see Breaking Dawn 2. I know it was such torture for me. YEAH RIGHT!!
Not only have I seen all of the movies now but I also read all of the books when they came out. I love Redbox, it is usually how we watch the "new" movies because I refuse to go to the theater. But I promised Lexi that we would see it when it came out, however I was not seeing it on opening weekend. It is funny watching the movie after reading the books because I can't remember anything from the books. All in all it was great!

One of my favorite places to go to on date night is The Gilson Cafe. It is kid free, great food, and good movies. We love going there when we have the money to go. We use to go once a month but everyone understands what it is like when money is tight. We don't do much anyways and we don't go out to bars or clubs because what is the point of paying more to drink when I can drink comfortably in my own home or someone else's? To me it isn't worth going out to the bar drinking, getting into trouble, and risk driving on the road with drunks? No thanks. We don't drink and drive anyways and we get hassled about it all the time but we have been building our careers and we will do nothing to jeopardize it. Plus it is way cheaper to drink at home anyways.
So the planning of the Gilson is in the works. It is a reasonable price and their food is good. Who could beat dinner and a movie?
~Peace Out~

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Cars I swear are a huge money pit. First you pay taxes in the car when you purchase it, then pay yearly taxes on it, then pay the maintenance for the up keep. I love my car but what I don't like is the maintenance to keep her pretty.
My very first owned car is a Subaru and I love it. For the most part she has been faithful to me. I bought her with 50,000 miles and in 3 years I have put 75,000 miles on it. The major issue I have had is I blew a valve seal which I brought it to Subaru and paid a ridiculous pro e to get it fixed. Then when I get it home after they fixed that there is a rip in my cv shaft boot which was throwing gear oil all over the place. I just go those fixed but now there are other things that need to be fixed. I know it comes with owning a car but I still don't have to like it.
I remember getting ready to make a decisions on what type of car that I wanted and my price range. I choose the Subaru because it is an all wheel drive and I needed that since I live in New England, something reliable, and still sporty looking. I was organilly looking for a Jeep but didn't find something in my price range. I was driving around town and stumbled upon the Subaru. At this point I had almost given up on trying to find a new car and then BAM there she was. Oh she was pretty, it was like Destiny. When I test drove her I was in my glory. She had every qualification I was looking for and within a week she was mine.

I love my car very dearly and the best part shes mine, no one cosigned for me, and no one helps me pay for it.

Friday, November 23, 2012

I honestly don't get why people go all crazy just to get a sale. Is it really a sale when they mark up the price and claim that it is on sale? Or the following week it is cheaper? I don't understand why people camp outside of a store just to get the hottest item. So while all the crazies were out shopping I was sitting in my warm home texting a old classmate. Don't get me wrong I love good deals but will not go all crazy for them.
I like the day after Thanksgiving because it allows me to spend time with the kids. However the kids are doing their own thing today which reminds me how independent they have become. They don't need me to entertain them anymore, not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing lol. I like them being independent when I have to do school work, but watching how much they've grown just since last year is an eye opener. I am always saying I can't wait until they go to college but I am wondering can I really let go? Not sure if I will be able too. As time goes on I am getting that much closer to my first one leaving the nest.
I am always wondering what my kids are going to be like in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? I hope I am doing right and setting them on the right path. Guess it's every parents worry while their children are getting closer to the age of leaving the nest. I hope that they choose a path that they will be happy with. Even with all the drama that goes on in my life I am happy where I stand.
So one way I am excited to see what it will be like when they officially go on to college and where will I be in live when that happens? I hope I will be well into my career by then.
~Peace Out~

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Today was a great day!
I cooked for 5 and I didn't get up too early to start the day like I usually do every year. I didn't stress out about having it all ready, stressing about having it ready in time, or stress about anything that has to do with the holiday. It was an easy day and everything turned out nice. It was just Jeremiah, myself, Lexi, Logan, and Grandpa Ted. He told us some stories about when he was a child. It reminded me of my Grammy who I spoke to this morning and very much miss her.
I think why I didn't stress out is because I am really looking forward to out Annual Get Together. We started this last year and it turned out fantastic. We didn't have the kids last year for Thanksgiving (they go to their dads every other year) and Christmas (they go to their dads at 10am since I get them Christmas Eve). So since we didn't have a good holiday and because of the holiday's we don't see many of our friends we decided to have a huge holiday dinner with all of our friends.
We had to move all of our furniture out of our livingroom and rented tables and chairs. I cooked all day and had to make sure we had enough for 43 people, which we did. We had a turkey and a ham, mashed potatoes, candied yams, stuffing, gravy, rolls, corn, cheese, crackers, pepperoni, black olives, celery, pickles, and what everyone else brought. So we were all eating good.
It is hard for us to get together with everyone of our friends, between work, school, and hanging with the kids there's not much time left. During the summer we have parties when the kids are gone for the weekend and most of our friends show up but not everyone all the time. We like to see our friends because it is always a good time when we are all together. Even after 6 years of being together I always hear a new story from when they were growing up, or some crazy situation they got into, or just stupid stuff they did.
I do miss coming home for the holidays but I don't miss the holiday traffic. I do miss all of my families cooking. It is funny how a simple turkey can taste differently when cooked by different people.
Today I am thankful for being able to wake up another day and stuff my face.
I am thankful for my kids, they are wonderful, beautiful, and smart kids.
I am thankful for the man in my life who stands beside me through it all.
I am thankful to have a family to call on.
I am thankful for my friends.
I am most thankful to be alive, have a roof over my head, being able to educate myself, a job, and to be able to be there for other's when they need me.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

It's Thanksgiving Eve and no work tomorrow and I'm in bed typing this.
Is 31 the new 51?
I have a real hard time staying up late at night past my bed time. When I do stay up late the next morning I have a hard time getting up. This tends to happen when I stay up late to watch the Sons of Anarchy, Teen Mom, or just simply can't sleep. Jeremiah on the other hand can fall asleep no matter if he took a 2 hour nap that day. I can't take naps, naps will make it difficult for me to sleep that night and when I wake up from a nap I feel off. Another thing is when I don't workout I don't sleep well. This week is hard to stay on schedule with diet and routine with working out since the holiday is here. I have gained 6 pounds since finishing my last round of Insanity. I know I previously posted that it was 5 lbs and I lost 3 lbs but now it is back again becasue I haven't been consistent with working out and sure haven't been dieting, I say every day today is the day I get it back together and then the next thing I know I have eaten a Snickers bar.
I have no one to blame but myself. So here's to stuffing my face tomorrow and enjoying everything that I will be indulging in!!
I will be cooking tomorrow and it will be a wonderful day with my family!
Everyone be safe and enjoy the holiday :D
~Peace Out~

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My life seems like it is just unfortunate event after unfortunate event. It seems fitting that it happens this time just shore the holidays. I know that my life is nothing compaired to others and their crazy life problems. This year alone we have had our ups and downs. Each year the problems are big or they are small. Ihave been known to hurt myself every year in some way or another. This year alone has been a roller coaster. It started by one baby daddy not paying child support, then it went to issues with my income taxes, Disney vacation, then the closing of my employer, my car blowing a valve seal, getting laid off, then the other baby daddy stops paying child support, baby daddy drama, cv shafts boot rips, court, new job, baby daddy drama, again court, Jeremiah breaks his hand, baby daddy drama, court yet again, and now windshield breaks, and it's not the end of the year yet. See a trend?
Again my life is just as hetic as the next person, however just for one year I would like for things to just go right with minor issues. I am thankful for everything that I have going for me at this point but it could most definitely could be much better than this. I am not asking for much just for things to be calm.

When things go wrong and out of my control there is one place that I like to go to for peace and serenity. Duke loves coming here because he is able to be free.

1). Duke blends right in
2) As the season changes so does the scenery
3). Gives me peace to walk up this hill knowing that at the end I will have a peace of mind
4). One of the many stops I make to tIe a moment and enjoy what is around
5). My first stop to obtain peace of mind

Sunday, November 18, 2012

■ Shopping carts called Carriages
■ Subs are called Grinders
■ Liquor stores are called Package Stores
■ NO buying of alcohol after 9 (use to be 8), no buying of alcohol on holidays, no buying of alcohol in convenience stores, and they just allowed alcohol buying on Sunday's but for 11 years that I have been here we couldn't buy on Sundays
■ There is 1 bus company but it doesn't run like NY. In New York they had a public bus that would run on all ends of town to where ever all hours of the day.
■ NO Taxi cabs. Taxi cabs were another thing that I grew up with for as long as I can remember. The Yellow Cab company is one of my finest memories. A few years ago I went to NY without my kids and my sister, my niece and her husband, and myself all took a cab to go out. I couldn't get out of the damn van! I couldn't figure out what was the issue. That was an interesting night lol.
■ Cheese curd is another thing that no one here has ever heard of.
■ Jreck Subs is something that I get every time I go home because there is nothing like it.
■ Oh the mall I have to drive 30 minutes away to go to one.
■ There is nothing like the Thompson Park here
■ This state shuts down for the smallest snow storms. I remember my first month living here they shut the state down for a dusting. In NY you went to school even if we had just gotten 2 feet of snow the previous night.
■ The biggest thing that I can't understand is NO Swimming Pools in Public Schools here. Well In those that I know of. I grew up learning to swim in 4th grade. I remember having to take the swimming text 2x a year. From 4-12 I swam.

There are so many other differences but these are just the few that really had me in complete culture shock.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

So last night my kids were asking me questions about when they were babies so I told them that I would show them their baby books. What a blast from the past that was.

I have no words to explain how I felt when they were looking through them, except that I was over joyed with the fact that I was able to share that moment with them.

I have no regets in my life. Regardless that their fathers and I are not together and may not be getting along at the moment, but if it weren't for them I wouldn't have the greatest gift known to woman. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. My relationship with their fathers wasn't always bad, it was like many others that it had its ups and downs but when it was on the downside of the life rollercoaster it was bad. No relationship is good when those in it are putting their hands on each other. I am just as guilty for the failed relationships as they are. What I do wish for is that we had a better relationship, a relationship that allows us all to be in the same area without the DRAMA that gets involved but that is not the case and at this point I don't think that anything will change in that department. Only one could hope.

Honestly I am happy where I stand and who is standing beside me. It did take me 2 failed relationships, 2 children, and a move to CT to find him, but it's what happens in our life book. I was meant to be with my daughter's father, my son's father, and now Jeremiah. I was meant to go through everything that I have been through. It has made me the person I am today. I am a strong believer in Karma and Faith.

It seems that I am not alone in this department. Facebook today has been about the negative in our lives

By Brianna Oldham "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned."~Buddha

By Sarah Doherty "The person who pisses you off the most in your life is usually the one who can help to reveal the most about who you really are and what you need to change about yourself."
~Peace Out~

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Let me tell you how much I love playing video games..I Love It! I think it is because it helps me to close out all the drama in my life that is usually caused by other people. Just saying.

These are a few of my favorites
Call of Duty
Prince of Persia
Little Big Planet
Plants versus Zombies
Rock Band

I am totally looking forward to playing the new Black Ops!

However I haven't been able to play in a while due to school + work+ kiddos. The coolest thing is when my kids want to play with me. Logan and I get serious into Black Ops Zombies. We aim to dominate. However lately he has been into playing his basketball game and lets face it I hate sports, sports games, and sports on tv.

Lexi and I have gotten back into Rock Band. Which I rock at. Just saying. I remember when our friends would come over and we would have our jam session. Sam Reynolds and I would play forever! When we would have parties Alycen and I would just rock our socks off rather than play beer pong. I know who would rather play Rock Band than beer pong? Well us for instance.

Jeremiah has been going crazy not being able to play video games with his club of a cast. I can't wait to play with him again. His cast comes off next week!! I can only make it to level 27 online but with him as my partner I make it to 30. Jer and I are different in our style of gaming. He likes to play online death match, I refuse to play online unless its him and I defeating juggernauts. See when I play online the vision of the remote flying across the room seems satisfying. I like to campaign and my goal is to beat the game.

Well that's all I've got for now folks! Teacher conferences tonight, I get to hear about how awesome Logan is doing in math. He's the top of his class. Lexi is the one I am concerned about. Ta ta for now!
~Peace Out~

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

People lie, its what we do, white lies, fat lies, little lies, and those hidden secret lies.
I don't lie about things that have happened in the past or present. What I may lie about is how I am doing; mentally, physically, and emotionally. As it seems others feel that what I have shared and will continue to share my life stories is not the truth. If you were in my past, present, and future our history will be shared. If you don't like what I have had to say about you and the truth of our history then don't read my blog. If you want to continue to read my blog and my history with you and many others then please indulge yourself. I will not change or lie about the truth of our history. If you don't like what you have done in our past that's on you. However just remember your the ones who continuously stalk me and my life with my family and try to use it against us. Its sad that nothing has changed over 6 years and yet you still manage to amaze me with how you go out of your way to watch me as if my life is the Truman Show. And here I thought my page views were going up because other people and yet I guess you are the reason for my jump in page views.

My logic: Can't be popular without HATERS! Bahaha so enjoy the show because I will continue as I please! :p

Monday, November 12, 2012

I really enjoy reading. I never use to, I couldn't stand picking up the book and putting my face into it. Now it's different, when I get a new book I can't get my face out of it.
I like specific type of books.. it's vampire fantasy.

1) The Twilight Saga. Yup go a head make your comments. Everyone know's what this is about. In case you don't its about a normal teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire and her best friend is a werewolf. Nice little love triangle.
2) The True Blood series by Charlaine Harris. I read it all and thought it was amazing. This was about an adult woman who as well falls in love with a vampire, realizes the danger that comes with it. Her brother was bitten by a werewolf.
3) Pc. Cast House of Night. LOVED IT. This is about a teen girl who gets Marked and goes to a special school for the gifted with special powers. She has to battle a creature to save the school and the entire human race. She falls in love with 2 boys one of which was an ex boy friend and the other becomes her guardian. Really good series if your into this kind of stuff.
4) The Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead. Its about a young girl who goes to a school for Vampires. She is a half human and vampire, she has to train to protect royal vampires.
5)The Immortal Series by Alyson Noel. She was in a car accident which left her with special powers, she can see peoples auras and into their lives. She falls in love with a guy who has powers that help to block out her powers. She ends up traveling to another dimension to learn about their history.
6)The Moranville Vampires series by Rachel Caine. She is a college student who is being bullied by some other college girls. She decides to move into a house off campus and quickly finds out that the town is not normal. It is being run by vampires.
7)The Night World by L.J. SMith. This was an interesting series it is several books within the volumes.
8) The Shadowhunters World:The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare. This series was a great read. It is about a girl who seems to live a normal life until everything goes wrong and her mother ends up in a coma. She begins to see things that normal people shouldn't see. She soon discovers that she is apart of this new world.
9)The Blood Series by Sharon Page is not your normal adult book. This is dirtier than the Fifty Shades of Gray series. Blood Deep states that it is a REALLY HOT book and it is!
10) The Lords of the Underworld by Gena Showalter. The first book is a motion picture. It is about these Immortals who open Pandoras Box and now have to find it. Another AWESOME series.
11) Megan Hart is another good author. I suggest Deeper, Tempted, and Switch. Again these are exotic novels and each book is different from the other.
12) Fifty Shades of Gray by E.L. James. Well all I can say is if you haven't read this you should. You will learn about things that you deprived yourself of.
13) The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I really enjoyed this series, completely different from what I normally read (obviously). It is a long series but it is about a girl who lives in district 12 and is forced to fight for her life.

I have read many other books but these are my and only sets of series.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I have forgiven many people for their wrong doings but there comes a point where enough is enough and I need to stop trying to forge relationships.

I have no relationship with my mother at this point in time and this is a common occurrence between us. In her eyes I am the rebel, most defiant, and disrespectful of the three kids. Why because I speak my mind? I say what I dislike about other people to them rather than behind their backs? Or is it just because I refuse to let people treat me like I am a piece of poop?

Well today its about friendship.

I have had my ups and downs with my friends, some I hadn't talked to in a while, some I loose touch with, or the others that I dislike their lifestyle choice (no this is nothing to do with gay or bisexual because quite honestly I love them just as much as the next, they don't judge because they know what its like to judge). What I mean by lifestyle choices is what they choose to do for recreational use.

So there comes a point in time where many would say that I need to forgive because it is family and that's what your suppose to do but what about friends? I treasure my friendships and not one friendship have I ruined without reason.

One of my long time friends is Rich but he isn't posted but his daughter is. I have known him since I was 15. We have been through a lot. We use to live together while I was still in high school. We were best friends, we did everything together. He is the reason why I live in CT today. He moved here and it just so happened that I couldn't be without him in my life so I followed him to CT (in a very nonstalkerish way) and have remained here for almost 12 years now and we still are best of friends today.

My friend Jamie that I have been friends with for over 8 years and still talk to on almost a weekly basis. We met because I lived across the street from her. Our daughters are still best friends today. I share everything with her including my poop cycle because that's how good of friends we are bahaha.

I still have friends from high school that I talk to or still see like my friend Liz. I have known her and her husband since high school but have been real friends with since 1999, they had me stand with them when they got married. We try to talk on a bi-weekly basis. Even though there are several states between us it hasn't stopped us from seeing each other.

My one and only black friend Demi lmao. Not sure why I have only one black friend that I talk to on a regular but when I first moved to CT I didn't know very many people but I have known her for 9 years from back in the day D'Angelos. We use to hang out all the time when she lived in Torrington. I remember the day when her mother found a porn video from Demi's brother, I was on the phone with her, the one thing I learned that day was never to cross her mother. Her mom loved me and invoited me to every cookout.
Which also links to my friend Dawn, its a funny on how we found out that we both knew the same person. We were driving and I was telling her about Demi and she says "I know someone named Demi, I said "I am sure its not the same person she's black", she says "So is the one I know" and that is how we found out its the same Demi lmao. Dawn is myself proclaimed financial advisor, therapist, and hair guru. The best quality she has is to tell me when I am in the wrong. When me and Jer have an arguement I call her and explain what is going on and both sides of what is going on, and she will listen to the entire rant and waits for the Green light and then gives it too me without holding back. True friendship right there.

Then there is my friend Traci, we go way back too but lost touch due to some unfortunate circumstances. She is another that I could talk to about anything and she wouldn't judge me or spread my problems around. She is also the author of Nonsense Things. We have recently started to catch up were we left off. Thanks to Facebook it has helped us piece together the missing parts of each other's lives.

My next friend Sam she is so funny. I have known her since our Domino's days. I use to go to her house and visit her and Aiden. I remember the first time my son Logan held a baby and he was in love with Aiden. We lost contact for some time but as faith would have it reconnected again. I still need to go to her house so that I can stalk her more. lol

My friend Amy I met at work and she is the odd ball of the group. Complete opposite from me. Especially in the choice of movies lol. Even though we don't work at the same place and have completely different work schedules we keep in touch. Not as much as we should. We had managed to go to gatherings together so that one wouldn't be without the other. We use to be called the Hazmat Team (for reasons I will not go into).

Steph is another character that is opposite from me..she doesn't eat meat! I mean who doesn't each chemically altered meat lol? Well for her she physically can't eat it or she gets sick. She is the biggest animal lover that I have met. Anything from scaly to fur to water based animals. I met her through work also and we don't keep in touch nearly as much as we should.

My gf Kristin and I have been friends since we met because our boyfriends are best friends and we have been with them the same amount of time. She is the biggest ditz I have ever met (I say it with love). The 2 of us together ='s a effing good time. We use to make it a point to hang out monthly but lately with school and work it hasn't been happening as much.

My friend Ariel is the one who made me stop just talking about snowboarding and get on a board. Man our first time on a board was the most embarrassing thing to witness.We went our first time the day after Christmas when it was icy and try ourselves on the pony (it is this thing that pulls you up the hill) and it ended sadly lmao, she ended up hung up on the cable, it was the funniest thing to see until I tried it. So all those at the resort that day got to have free entertainment presented by us.

Then there is Aly, our daughters are best of friends and have been since the 1st grade. She is a loyal friend that always cam to our house parties and partied it up with me, I still remember that night all though she probably doesn't bahaha. I make it a point to visit butterrolls errr I mean Lilli as much as I can.

Then comes Jeannine who I have known for quite a while because Jer has worked for her husband for quite sometime but more because she helped to teach me to ride a dirt bike, hey I didn't do bad for my first time. But we don't get to see much of each other because she's always doing something.

Then there is Chelsea another one who's boyfriend is best friends with mine. See I have become accustom to becoming good friends with my boyfriends friends girlfriends. She is no exception to the rule. We use to go duck pin bowling every sunday until her horrible luck came a knocking and she got into a car accident which screwed up her neck. We talk monthly and share it all, and I mean all dirty secrets.

Then my last 2 Kristin and Kelly

Kristin I have known just as long as I have known Kelly. See I should point out that Jeremiah is in construction and it so happens that just about all of his friends are too but since he grew up here he knows everyone, and I mean just about everyone. So with Kristin her husband is in construction and that is how I met her. During the spring and summer you would find the majority of us at her house parting it up. Kristin is the funniest person and when she get's drinking make sure you empty your bladder or else you will become the laughing stock because of her.

Kelly is another one I met through Jeremiah's friends. I use to visit with her just about every weekend. I remember the time during poker when she unknowingly gave up her boyfriends hand which resulted in everyone but 1 person folding. She has never lived that down lmao.

It never mattered the age difference between friends but we have managed to remain friend through time and distance.

Friday, November 9, 2012

That is the question
When is make-up acceptable for young ladies to start wearing it?
I grew up in the era where make-up didn't get worn until 15. Of coarse that was the time where you put an outline around your lips after you put your lip stick on. Oh come on there has to be others who remember this.
I tried make-up but due to my inexperience I don't know much about it. I can apply mascara, eye liner, and lip stick but that's the extent of it. I don't know how or understand the whole foundation, blending, or blush stuff.
So back to the question.. Should a 12 year old begin to apply make-up?
My opinion I think I am going to say no. I think she is too young for it and when its time to begin I can only show her what I know. Many will think I am nutz since she has a Facebook and a cell phone but those are utilized for contact only. We have family in other states so that is how she keeps in contact, plus that's how she contacts her friends who don't have cell phones.
So many will say that early make-up wearimg = dressing like a hoochie. Many judged me when she had a boyfriend for a few weeks and she made the decision to break up with the boy and the reazon was because she felt she wasn't ready for one. Good for her dight? Well now the boy wont talk to her or even look at her. She feels bad because he really liked her and was crushed.
See my reason behimd allowimg her to have that boyfriend was so that she wouldn't go behind my back and have a boyfriend in school. See I go through her phone and Facebook constantly and she is not allowed to delete things unless I have seen it before she deletes it. She is a smart girl and the fact that she knew that she wasn't ready to have a boyfriend, kudos to her.
So back to the make-up I don't think she is ready for make-up since she isn't allowed to date until she is 15 so I think no make-up until 15 either.
~Peace Out~

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I get this feeling when everything falls into place in my life. These moments of happiness happen a lot. Now don't let me fool you into thinking my life is full of rainbows and butterflies. My life can get very crazy at times, to the point that everything is just a shade of gray. Depression maybe? When things fall apart I loose control and that's where the I fall into the gray area. Similar to when Alice falls down the hole tumbling down except for me there is no end until things begin to right themselves and then its all bright sunshine, birds chirping, and butterflies.

When everything is working out I am happy and when I am happy everyone is happy.
So back to working out again with Insanity. I really enjoy working out, I feel better about myself, and I see improvement right away. The only thing that gets in my way is..myself.

I am my own worse enemy....
1. Comparing myself and my abilities with others around me (I'm always worse off in these).
2. Berating myself for not being as good as or as competant/accomplished as I want to be.
3. Feeling like I'm going nowhere.
4. Engaging in self-destructive behaviour (binging on food, getting angry or making excuses for my behavior)
5. Make excuses of why I can't workout
6. Always looking at the worst case scenario
7. Feeling others will recognize this about me and look down on me.
I am not sure why I do these things but it gets in the way of me moving forward.

As of right now everything seems to be in place. I am working out. I am back on my diet which means everyone in the house is too. And most important I am content.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I am in amazement that it is snowing. I mean I know it is that time of year and it is New England. I just don't think that I am prepared for it to be cold again.

The funny thing is that I grew up in Northern New York where we would get 4 feet of snow and still have to go to school. I remember when we were hit with a bad storm, The Ice Storm of 98'. You can Youtube it and see videos of it. And that wasn't the first one lol. They would make shirts saying "I survived the Ice Storm of 98'."

I remember my first time getting ready to drive to CT and that night we got hit with about 3 feet of snow and I had to go to work that morning driving down Arsenal St in one land (this is a main road which had 4 lanes to it). After work the side roads were just being cleared and it never mattered if there were cars on the side of the road the plows would still go down the road. Well this particular time it was slick and I was sliding into the other lane and this truck sped up to try and get passed me but it didn't happen. I clipped him in the bumper. He got out and went running. What the HELL!! What do you do?!? I did what any normal person would do.....I got in my car and got the hell out of there!!

Nothing came of that incident.

I don't like being cold, I don't like having to wear many layers and still the wind make me look like I have recently had Botox, but the plus side is that I get more time with my cuddle buddy. He is my source of heat, the sweat bucket that he is.

However the one that that I did learn to do was SNOWBOARD! I love to snowboard but I don't like to bomb down the hill. So you can spot me either going real slow or the one who is falling all the time lol.

My first photo is of me with my first snowboard 5150!
The next 5 are of our friend Dave. I even made a video on Youtube
2 of Jeremiah
Me at Butternut on the lift
The line to get on the lift
Logan with his snowboard
Jeremiah's board nice Flow board
Of course mine has to be pretty in pink Ride
The kiddos having fun in the snow with our Dukers
And last of all my pretty little big lady

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Let me just say... I LOVE TO EAT!!! Ugh I can't wait for that day to just indulge myself with all the goodness that will be offered.

I LOVE the holidays as it reminds me of when I was a kid. We use to go to my grandmothers for the holidays. That was a trip because if you didn't know what a swear word was you quickly learned. I remember hearing my grandmother tell people "go get bent." As a youngster I had no clue what that meant but learned when I got older what it means.

Those days were replaced by going to my older sister's. And boy can she cook. I always loved going to my sister Jacie's because there was always laughter.

Now that I have been living in CT I rarely have the chance to go home for the holidays. It is hard living in CT with no family here. My friends have to pick up that part.

When my newly found younger sibling found me through Facebook I was beyond estatic. I knew about them but I wasn't allowed to contact them. So I couldn't wait until the day my little sister turned 18 so that she could make the decision on her own. Well many moons later she found me, we met for the first time, and have seen each other 1-2 times a year.

My kids love my family. When it is time to travel to see them they act like its Christmas morning. Then the entire drive I get to hear "How much longer until we get there?" That's always the highlight of my day of driving lol.

See I live right in between both of my older and younger siblings. My older sister lives in Northern New York, my older brother lives in Kentucky and my younger siblings live in VA.

Most of all I am thankful for the life I have right now at this very moment. My life could have turned out much worse than the normal everyday bs that life throws at us.

I am also very thankful for my friend Nonsense Things. She has helped me tremendously with my blog. It's funny to have a degree in something and not use it in over 6 years and to have to go back to messing with code again reminds me why I never did anything with that degree.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

So yesterday and all day today I have spent my day jazzing up my blog. Let me just say that without the help of my blog guru Nonsense Things (which is a blog, so visit it) I wouldn't have been able to do any of this. The funny thing is I have a degree in Internet and Web Master Design and yet I can't apply it because it has been over 6 years since I have messed with any of it. It's like the saying if you don't use it you loose it.
So between doing the blog I have been also helping out my well I guess it's my second cousin because it's my 1st cousin's child. She's been asking me to review her papers and every time it brings me back to when I use to have 2 of my co-workers review my papers also. It's funny to miss old co-workers. The problem is that they live 40 minutes away and are always busy. I know excuses excuses. Really though it is difficult when I work 6 days a week and go to school too. It seems when I do have time it's spend just relaxing and trying to catch up on house work. Today would have been a good day to do house work but instead I spent it on the computer. But it is time for me to get off and get ready for that thing called work.
~Peace out~

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Lately I have been thinking about the sense of the word family. Not sure if it is because of the holiday season or what. The word family means to me is...... well I guess it is being a part of a group that you share a blood bond with. Growing up as a kid I remember going to my grandmothers for holiday get togethers and to see family members that otherwise my mother secluded me from. I guess you could say I grew up an only child because my older siblings were much older than me. As I got older I hated that my siblings left me because I had no one to play with, talk to, or just hang out with. I remember my brother teaching me to ride my bike when I was 7 but by the age of 9 he was gone and it was just me and my mother. I remember my sister would have to babysit me and she would take me to her boyfriends house to go swimming and he use to make fun of me because I talked a lot. I use to get told they would put a muzzle on me if I didn't be quiet lol. Now that I think about it that was my socialization. I didn't have sleep overs unless it was my cousin Misty or Nicole but that was all dependent on whether my mom was fighting with them or not. I never really caught the family dynamics, never really understood the term family, just knew that there were these people who I called family members. Now that I am older I look at that so called family and realize how dysfunctional it is.

There is no conversing among one another unless you are put into the same area. No one goes out of their way to call and see how you are, just for no reason at all. I watch those family members on Facebook and think of when was the last time I spoke to them? Can I blame others when I am just as guilty? I don't go out of my way to contact them either. However the one thing that angers me is when I do contact them and I get a one word response and nothing else. Yup I got the message you don't want to talk. I try to remember what it was like before moving to CT and I realize I spoke and seen those family members more than before moving to CT. I know people have lives but is your life that busy that you can't hold a conversation texting? I am usually out of the drama that is within my family but there was a point where I became the focus over a posting that I had made on Facebook. How does 1 sentence cause so much destruction? Especially when that sentence wasn't directed at anyone specific? Well it did and it go so out of hand but how do you defend yourself when you don't live in that state where it is happening? How do you defend yourself when it is your word against theirs? Oh wait that's right I have the entire Facebook message to redeem myself but it seemed the damage was done and there was no reversing it. When there is already a disconnection between you and those that are being told that you are talking about how do you fix that? I guess I can't or wont because whats the point now when people will believe what they want because of the past history between you and them.

Many view me as an asshole, confrontation starter, bitch, or whatever they feel. I will say this until you have seen the things I have been through then don't judge me. I am the way I am because of those who caused or influenced this behavior. I come off those ways because I have too. I am an asshole because of allowing people into my life only to trample me later. I am a confrontation starter because I don't like those bad mouthing me when I don't deserve it and I have no problem confronting those who are. I am a bitch only after those who have trampled me caused me to be. I give everyone the fair chance to deem themselves worthy of my time. Those of our friends who have girlfriends or boyfriends I became have become friends with until they broke up but there are some that I have kept in touch with. I do love everyone, that was a problem when I was a kid, I thought everyone was my friend. When I was young I had many friends in school but it seemed that is where they remained. When I lived in an apartment complex Ontario Village there were a set of twin boys that lived below me and went to school with and we had a lot of fun playing, then there were these other boys Aubrey and Avery who were my best friends while we lived there until they moved away and then I had no one again. It was hard growing up having no one.

I guess the reason why I feel like I do is because I see what goes on through Facebook and think of what it would be like if I were still in NY but then quickly I realize I wouldn't be where I am today if I stayed. I love the life I live. Do I wish I had the sense of family? Absolutely!! I would have loved for my children to know my sisters, brothers, nieces, nephew, cousins, aunts, their grandmother, and my grammy. But I realize there really isn't much I can do to change that except visit when I can. Hopefully sometime soon.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I love my grammy more than any other person in my family (except my family in my own home). My grammy has never judged me or my actions, always backs my decisions, and is understanding with my life choices. I love listening to my grammy's stories, they always make me laugh. It was hard moving from NY to CT and not see her anymore, but when I go up I make it a point to see her when I get into town. I always call before I leave CT and when I arrived in town. Not sure what I am going to do when she leaves this plain and moves on to the next.........

When I was 15 and my mother had her first heart attack I had to stay with my grammy for 2 weeks until my mom could come home. That was a difficult time for everyone. My gram has been through a lot, she's had to bury a daughter, 2 grandsons, a nephew, and a sister (probably more but that is what I have known of). I couldn't imagine burying my own child, it was hard for me to see it unfold, and it is still hard for my gram to talk about. I miss her, I really do, it's hard when I don't live there but I always know she's only a phone call away.

This all was brought on when I went grocery shopping today. When leaving I was pushing the cart to the car (here in CT they call them carriages, that's for another day lol) and this little old lady say "oh my your going to share all of this with me?" she chuckles, and it makes me laugh and smile, but her daughter says "Come on mom I don't have all night." Made me upset and think about my grammy.

These pictures are the most recent and from my niece's wedding. I am thinking that I need to make it to NY soon.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Today is Halloween and many birthday's around the world. My little sister's birthday is today as well.
I enjoy Halloween because it brings joy to me to see the look on my kids faces when they have learned that the parent use the children to get free candy. bahahaha

When we took the kids to Trunk or Treat we told them that we added a parent tax, gas tax, and stand in a long line tax. They didn't seem to find this funny. My oldest is getting older and becoming more independent.. Yay for me!!

In all seriousness I can't wait to send her off to college. One less child in the house and more mommy time! People say "that's what you say now, just wait until they are gone you'll miss them." Of coarse I will miss them, I'll miss having someone around to do the dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, and their own laundry. I won't miss the constant arguing between sibling and parent, complaining of having to clean their rooms, complaining that they don't like what is for dinner, oh and my favorite how there is nothing to snack on when clearly there are snacks.

See I did it all wrong, I had kids before I had me time. But is it truly wrong? My kids will be out of the house in less than 10 years while most are just having children or have 16 years to go. I see it as being in my prime when they will be out. Are you considered too old to play beer pong when your 42?

I like to have fun (all the time) but I don't like going out to bars to get smashed. I would rather be at my house having friends over, that to me is fun. The only benefit of having 2 baby daddies is that both of my kids leave to their dads on the same weekend, so every other weekend I get my mommy time. I don't have family here so that means no sitter. So my party time is when they are gone. See that to me is what makes me a good mom. I don't drink or make plans when I have my kids. Now I am not judging those who don't have the benefits that I do. Everyone needs "me" time but it is how often and how you do it. I don't like hearing about those who go out drinking every weekend while they aren't spending any time with their children, those are the bad parents to me.

So now today is Halloween and many little critters will be roaming the streets getting cavities for their dentist and sugar high's for the parents. Please teach your children to be safe during this happy time and enjoy your Candy Tax!!
~Peace Out~

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

One thing that I dislike about storms is losing power. We lost power yesterday at 5:30 pm until 4 am this morning. I don't care about not having television but I care about not having fans. See my cuddle buddy sweats a lot and it doesn't matter if it is dead of winter. So I have become accustom to having two fans on at night. We have one by the window to pull in the cool air and one at our feet to keep us cool. It was so quiet last night that I could hear everything outside moving around. My mind starts running and I can't sleep. It was peaceful last night when the storm from the hurricane passed, it was a full moon, the clouds were moving so quick, and it was unexpectedly warm. It was pretty neat to see. Now I am barley able to concentrate on what I am doing. So it looks like early bed for me. I will attempt to try to stay awake for Sons of Anarchy because I am addicted to this show. It has gotten serious to the point that I dream about it.