Demon Diaries

And then one day, I jump into black holes like they were television shows in hazy hours with hazier hearts, and I’m losing my sanity like sand grains through tight fists I’ve grown all along to not let go of and in time, I see a different world shifting beneath my feet crawling under my breath fucking my mind like dragons, strange but familiar visions and I think to myself “Is this the world where I belong?”

When loneliness arrives, it brings its baggage along devices to carve out craters in my chest and I know this by my late night angry texts to you and my struggle in placing words like fucking rainbows and I can’t figure out why all that I ever do is try and see humans as boats to set my weights upon and let them sail away with everything I ever was.

I ask myself Why do you do this? Why? Are you an idiot? Or are you just afraid of things you don’t know about?

I’m probably an idiot, I think. Of course I know about loneliness. I breed heaps of it in birthday parties in evening subways in marriage ceremonies and college reunions, but why does this feel so much like a physical mass looming over like a phantom tiptoeing inwards raging silent wars.

I have hydrogen bombs inside, my love and I’m afraid I can’t vomit them out of me.

See how I am, look at these dregs as I dissolve in this inward deluge— dank masturbation broken monologues tired eyes and an unmade bed, and Maitrey, I’m cringing in this space and my blood is dripping from my nose and I wish this were just a dream and why can’t I forget things and why do I have to be like this and why does the sun have to shine in the morning and remind me of how deep a limbo I’m in and why does your song still slink into my brain tissues like chips of metal and why do my directions look so faded and why do these satellites not take me to your lap and why do you not fucking listen to me when I tell you my demons are nothing but a fear of facing these hours alone?

Of course I’m an idiot for having you to be in my veins like cocaine and withering when you’re not. Tomorrow, I’ll return to our daily modern hazards, flowcharts and turbines and I’ll think to myself if all my days will have live hydrogen bombs ticking to an absolute detonation that I know I’ll never survive without you.