Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Bud Light Bandit

I am offering a reward for the revealed identity of the elusive Bud Light Bandit.

About a year and a half ago, I moved into the development off of Clifton Park’s exit 8A. Go in, take a right, up the hill, and you're almost there. Anyway, I have noticed something very strange ever since I planted my flag here. Regardless of season/time of year, the streets around my house are always littered with empty, discarded Bud Light cans—the blue-tin 22 ounce cans. They’re left in rain gutters, at the end of driveways, on manhole covers, in the middle of the road, on lawns, in snow banks, below mailboxes, in low-growing shrubs and bushes. Needless to say this looks terrible. I have probably myself recycled 25 of these same cans in the last year and a half. Yuck, I know. So please, people, I beg you: If you know of this development and have seen these same cans, help me find the Bud Light Bandit.

First of all: Who in their right mind is walking/driving around this neighborhood all the time, sucking down these Bud Lights like water then tossing them to the street and cracking another then doing it again? Who does that? Why do they do it? I can say the following pretty safely: If you drink cheap, light beer from 22-ounce cans then just heave them to the streets you’re pretty trashy for a whole spectrum of reasons really. Now you may say, “Brian, maybe it’s more than one person.” Maybe. But I have a hard time believing that there’s a team of these idiots endlessly using my residential road as their personal recycling box of empty beer cans. You may say, “Brian, it’s probably just kids.” So what? Why does being a kid make this environmentally-unfriendly level of dirtiness acceptable? I’m not trying to get all “peace and love, peace and love” on you with these eco-friendly talk. But come on? Who does this? Today I was driving home and passed two more of those blue cans within 50 feet of each other. Who is the Bud Light Bandit?

You may say, “Brian, maybe it’s just a coincidence.” Yeah right. I suppose it’s also a coincidence that Jennifer Aniston’s latest rom-com earned some of the worst reviews in motion picture history, again, for the 100th time. Why am I bringing up a middle aged and possible mentally ill actress? The point I’m making is simple: It happens once, twice, three times, OK, a coincidence. But time after time after time, makes me say that it's a trend. That there's someone who has actually made habit out of this ridiculous behavior. I swear to God, sometimes people just amaze me to no end, I swear they do. This is really A-1 disgusting.

With all that said, I am offering a reward for the revealed identity of the Bud Light Bandit. For anyone who can furnish information leading to the revealing of this maniacal litterbug's identity, I will offer: A case of Coor's Light 22-ounce cans. That’s right 12 full cans, ready for someone to suck down then (oh wait, maybe a bad plan) toss in the streets of my Clifton Park neighborhood. Or maybe, here’s a brilliant brainwave, recycle them like a halfway civilized human being. Some people, I swear.