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NEWS AND OPINION FOR GAYS, LESBIANS AND CIVILIZED STRAIGHTS
Tenth Year Issue #201 November 21,1988 12,000 Copies
Library of Congress ISSN #0890-7951 1624 Harmon Place #210 Minneapolis, MN 55403-1916 (612)338-1411
�It�s not over yet�
Glimpses into the journey of David Galdiano, a widower to AIDS
by Tim Campbell
If you met David Galdiano on the street or in the course of a normal day�s work, the words �gay� and �widower� would probably never cross your mind.
But in real life, those two words give most of the meaning and shape to the existence of this 32 year old young man. You see, Galdiano�s lover of nearly ten years died of AIDS on February 13 of this year.
One of the subtleties of life that might make Galdiano�s widowhood a little more painful to bear than a more predictable widowhood is the fact that through most of the day, he bears his grieving alone or in silence.
Galdiano has worked for the same collection agency out in the suburbs for over five years. It�s a firm of about 40 people now which was formed through a merger in 1985. David describes it as the kind of situation in which �You don�t really care to discuss your personal life.� This distance is not overshadowed by the fact that David Porter, Galdiano�s deceased lover, once worked for the firm also... for about six months. No one ever asked them if they were gay and they never volunteered that information.
All this distance from work-a-day folks in no way decreases the intensity of Galdiano�s grief. �I felt like I wanted to die. For nights and nights, I cried myself to sleep.�
After just a few months, Galdiano�s close friends and family thought he should be done with grieving, but inside, he knew �It�s not over yet.� And the pain continued.
�It�s like all your worst nightmares all coming true at the same time. David was the person I loved most in my whole life. David was always telling me something I didn�t know. He was always plotting ways to make life easier and more rewarding for us. He always seemed to have stories to tell and he loved telling them. He was real loving. Real gentle. Real caring about how I felt, and that I was being taken care of.�
In spite of the pain of this loss, Galdiano now does occasional volunteer speaking gigs about AIDS. �David really wanted to make his dying a teaching experience. My speaking is continuing that. I like to share David with people, too.� Galdiano explained.
When invited to talk to a group of nurses or students, Galdiano speaks of his lover�s diagnosis, his hospitalizations, the reaction of the staff to an AIDS patient, the improvements that have come about since the first days when nurses came in fully gowned and masked, and of his own grieving process.
Galdiano and Porter first met in November of 1978. They dated through that winter and spring. Porter spent the night with Galdiano on July 12, 1979 and every night thereafter until he eventually moved in. So the couple always celebrated July 12 as their anniversary. They bought a home together in October of 1980.
Galdiano admits that they both moved in a fairly fast lane during the early �80s. In addition to the collection agency work during the day, Galdiano and Porter provided disco music and lighting effects for several Hennepin Avenue bars at night. Booze and drugs were no stranger to either of them during that period.
�Its like all your worst nightmares all coming true at the same time. David was the person I loved most in my whole life."
Galdiano assumes Porter picked up the virus on a trip to California in 1981. Galdiano says he still tests free of HIV antibodies himself and he got out of the fast lane of alcohol and drugs in 1983. He says Porter had an occasional drink, but never used needle drugs and never used anything to excess.
One of the ironies of this particular couple�s AIDS
David Galdiano (L) with David Porter and their Doberman, 1986
history is that Galdiano was the one who was doing needle drugs, even sharing dirty needles, while Porter never would touch one. Even during his illness, Porter got faint at the sight of a needle.
Galdiano cannot explain how he has remained free of the virus. His sexual contact with Porter included all the modes of transmission that are considered �high risk.� Nevertheless, he gets tested every six months and remains negative as of this writing.
Between 1984 and 1986, when AIDS was first making press headlines, Porter and Galdiano shied away from talking about it. Even when Porter contracted a seemingly eternal case of bronchitis.
�We both had it in the back of our minds, but we never discussed... actually discussed it until the day of his diagnosis,� Galdiano recalled. Porter was diagnosed on April 10, 1986. The two Davids were on the AIDS express from that day on.
�More than anything, I was scared...scared of what was to come. We knew it would end up in death. I was scared, hurt, angry, afraid.� Galdiano recalled. Later, he went into greater detail about the anger he felt.
�I was angry at the fact that it was happening to us. Things were just starting to jell for us...as far as our employment and money situation. We were just starting to remodel our house and invest in some property. We were probably making more money than we had ever made.�
Galdiano never consciously felt any anger at Porter through his illness or after his death. �The initial anger was at God for taking him (Porter) away from me. Then the anger spread to being angry at David for leaving.�
Galdiano recalls that at first, he was so busy taking care of Porter and everyone else who knew them, that he simply �shut everything off� except that. The end result was that he and Porter stopped communicating for a brief period of time.
Galdiano was aware of friction between himself and Porter and both lovers soon sought out therapists. They even had a few joint sessions.
�We were having difficulty even talking about him dying. Even now, I think I am going to wake up one morning it�s all going to be a bad dream.� Galdiano explained.
One of the more difficult emotional hurdles for the
�We were having difficulty even talking about him dying. Even now,
I think I am going to wake up one morning its all going to be a bad dream."
couple to cross was the expectation from Porter�s parents that he would come to their home for care rather than continuing to live with Galdiano.
Eventually, the senior Porters themselves got involved with groups for people who love someone with AIDS. It was there that Porter�s father was first able to witness the love and commitment of two men for each other. This paved the way for his acceptance of his own son�s relationship.
Galdiano is particularly eager for others to become involved with the various groups for family and friends of PWAs at MAP, at the Aliveness Project or in other areas. Carrying the burden alone is not the way to go, when so much help is available, Galdiano insists.
As Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, the tenth anniversary of David Galdiano�s first meeting with David Porter also comes around. Galdiano knows this will be a tough time, perhaps the toughest time of the year for him. He has now been through all the other holidays without Porter, but he admits that quite frankly he�d �rather just skip the next 60 days.�
What Galdiano has learned this year, though, is that he does best with the holidays if he plans for them. He didn�t plan for July 4, and it hit him �like a ton of bricks.�
Consequently, Galdiano has already planned to spend some of his holiday time with Porter�s sister, Claudia Valdez, in Santa Cruz, California. The two developed a particularly strong bond during Porter�s illness.
Galdiano also thinks simply �getting out of town� will make it easier for him. So he�s planned to spend about five days in Los Angeles with a close friend from the Twin Cities, Brad Golden.
Golden spoke of Galdiano in terms of awe concerning the �tremendous energy� he puts into life and into dealing with Porter�s illness and death. �He faced every obstacle with love, courage, and immeasurable strength, Golden said.
Galdiano says that the one resource which has proved most useful to him through the difficult times has been his recovery program. �Just as I know I�m in trouble when I get preoccupied with the thought of never drinking or getting high again, so too, I know I�m in trouble when I get preoccupied with the notion that I will never, ever see David again. That�s when the one day at a time idea of the program comes in real handy.�
A couple of months passed between the first interview with Galdiano, and this writing. During that time, additional healing seems to have taken place. During the wrap up session, Galdiano retold a recent dream in which, for the first time, David was not sick. �He was holding me, and we were talking. We had finished remodeling the house and everything seemed to be at ease again.�
Perhaps this dream is a harbinger of a some new serenity just around the bend for David Galdiano, for this widower who has shown the same willingness to share that marked the lives of so many of those who were first struck down by AIDS.

NEWS AND OPINION FOR GAYS, LESBIANS AND CIVILIZED STRAIGHTS
Tenth Year Issue #201 November 21,1988 12,000 Copies
Library of Congress ISSN #0890-7951 1624 Harmon Place #210 Minneapolis, MN 55403-1916 (612)338-1411
�It�s not over yet�
Glimpses into the journey of David Galdiano, a widower to AIDS
by Tim Campbell
If you met David Galdiano on the street or in the course of a normal day�s work, the words �gay� and �widower� would probably never cross your mind.
But in real life, those two words give most of the meaning and shape to the existence of this 32 year old young man. You see, Galdiano�s lover of nearly ten years died of AIDS on February 13 of this year.
One of the subtleties of life that might make Galdiano�s widowhood a little more painful to bear than a more predictable widowhood is the fact that through most of the day, he bears his grieving alone or in silence.
Galdiano has worked for the same collection agency out in the suburbs for over five years. It�s a firm of about 40 people now which was formed through a merger in 1985. David describes it as the kind of situation in which �You don�t really care to discuss your personal life.� This distance is not overshadowed by the fact that David Porter, Galdiano�s deceased lover, once worked for the firm also... for about six months. No one ever asked them if they were gay and they never volunteered that information.
All this distance from work-a-day folks in no way decreases the intensity of Galdiano�s grief. �I felt like I wanted to die. For nights and nights, I cried myself to sleep.�
After just a few months, Galdiano�s close friends and family thought he should be done with grieving, but inside, he knew �It�s not over yet.� And the pain continued.
�It�s like all your worst nightmares all coming true at the same time. David was the person I loved most in my whole life. David was always telling me something I didn�t know. He was always plotting ways to make life easier and more rewarding for us. He always seemed to have stories to tell and he loved telling them. He was real loving. Real gentle. Real caring about how I felt, and that I was being taken care of.�
In spite of the pain of this loss, Galdiano now does occasional volunteer speaking gigs about AIDS. �David really wanted to make his dying a teaching experience. My speaking is continuing that. I like to share David with people, too.� Galdiano explained.
When invited to talk to a group of nurses or students, Galdiano speaks of his lover�s diagnosis, his hospitalizations, the reaction of the staff to an AIDS patient, the improvements that have come about since the first days when nurses came in fully gowned and masked, and of his own grieving process.
Galdiano and Porter first met in November of 1978. They dated through that winter and spring. Porter spent the night with Galdiano on July 12, 1979 and every night thereafter until he eventually moved in. So the couple always celebrated July 12 as their anniversary. They bought a home together in October of 1980.
Galdiano admits that they both moved in a fairly fast lane during the early �80s. In addition to the collection agency work during the day, Galdiano and Porter provided disco music and lighting effects for several Hennepin Avenue bars at night. Booze and drugs were no stranger to either of them during that period.
�Its like all your worst nightmares all coming true at the same time. David was the person I loved most in my whole life."
Galdiano assumes Porter picked up the virus on a trip to California in 1981. Galdiano says he still tests free of HIV antibodies himself and he got out of the fast lane of alcohol and drugs in 1983. He says Porter had an occasional drink, but never used needle drugs and never used anything to excess.
One of the ironies of this particular couple�s AIDS
David Galdiano (L) with David Porter and their Doberman, 1986
history is that Galdiano was the one who was doing needle drugs, even sharing dirty needles, while Porter never would touch one. Even during his illness, Porter got faint at the sight of a needle.
Galdiano cannot explain how he has remained free of the virus. His sexual contact with Porter included all the modes of transmission that are considered �high risk.� Nevertheless, he gets tested every six months and remains negative as of this writing.
Between 1984 and 1986, when AIDS was first making press headlines, Porter and Galdiano shied away from talking about it. Even when Porter contracted a seemingly eternal case of bronchitis.
�We both had it in the back of our minds, but we never discussed... actually discussed it until the day of his diagnosis,� Galdiano recalled. Porter was diagnosed on April 10, 1986. The two Davids were on the AIDS express from that day on.
�More than anything, I was scared...scared of what was to come. We knew it would end up in death. I was scared, hurt, angry, afraid.� Galdiano recalled. Later, he went into greater detail about the anger he felt.
�I was angry at the fact that it was happening to us. Things were just starting to jell for us...as far as our employment and money situation. We were just starting to remodel our house and invest in some property. We were probably making more money than we had ever made.�
Galdiano never consciously felt any anger at Porter through his illness or after his death. �The initial anger was at God for taking him (Porter) away from me. Then the anger spread to being angry at David for leaving.�
Galdiano recalls that at first, he was so busy taking care of Porter and everyone else who knew them, that he simply �shut everything off� except that. The end result was that he and Porter stopped communicating for a brief period of time.
Galdiano was aware of friction between himself and Porter and both lovers soon sought out therapists. They even had a few joint sessions.
�We were having difficulty even talking about him dying. Even now, I think I am going to wake up one morning it�s all going to be a bad dream.� Galdiano explained.
One of the more difficult emotional hurdles for the
�We were having difficulty even talking about him dying. Even now,
I think I am going to wake up one morning its all going to be a bad dream."
couple to cross was the expectation from Porter�s parents that he would come to their home for care rather than continuing to live with Galdiano.
Eventually, the senior Porters themselves got involved with groups for people who love someone with AIDS. It was there that Porter�s father was first able to witness the love and commitment of two men for each other. This paved the way for his acceptance of his own son�s relationship.
Galdiano is particularly eager for others to become involved with the various groups for family and friends of PWAs at MAP, at the Aliveness Project or in other areas. Carrying the burden alone is not the way to go, when so much help is available, Galdiano insists.
As Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, the tenth anniversary of David Galdiano�s first meeting with David Porter also comes around. Galdiano knows this will be a tough time, perhaps the toughest time of the year for him. He has now been through all the other holidays without Porter, but he admits that quite frankly he�d �rather just skip the next 60 days.�
What Galdiano has learned this year, though, is that he does best with the holidays if he plans for them. He didn�t plan for July 4, and it hit him �like a ton of bricks.�
Consequently, Galdiano has already planned to spend some of his holiday time with Porter�s sister, Claudia Valdez, in Santa Cruz, California. The two developed a particularly strong bond during Porter�s illness.
Galdiano also thinks simply �getting out of town� will make it easier for him. So he�s planned to spend about five days in Los Angeles with a close friend from the Twin Cities, Brad Golden.
Golden spoke of Galdiano in terms of awe concerning the �tremendous energy� he puts into life and into dealing with Porter�s illness and death. �He faced every obstacle with love, courage, and immeasurable strength, Golden said.
Galdiano says that the one resource which has proved most useful to him through the difficult times has been his recovery program. �Just as I know I�m in trouble when I get preoccupied with the thought of never drinking or getting high again, so too, I know I�m in trouble when I get preoccupied with the notion that I will never, ever see David again. That�s when the one day at a time idea of the program comes in real handy.�
A couple of months passed between the first interview with Galdiano, and this writing. During that time, additional healing seems to have taken place. During the wrap up session, Galdiano retold a recent dream in which, for the first time, David was not sick. �He was holding me, and we were talking. We had finished remodeling the house and everything seemed to be at ease again.�
Perhaps this dream is a harbinger of a some new serenity just around the bend for David Galdiano, for this widower who has shown the same willingness to share that marked the lives of so many of those who were first struck down by AIDS.