How I Stopped Starving Myself (and My Daughter)

I recently looked through my journal from when I was 10. I had recorded how excited I was to go to a local amusement park with my family. I filled a whole page with a sketch of the scary roller coaster I couldn’t wait to ride. I wrote a paragraph about a fun dinner out with my family the night before the amusement park adventure. (That paragraph was punctuated with nearly 20 exclamation marks.)

Nothing else got recorded in the journal for two months…and then this:

“I am changing this book into a calorie counting book!”

(The exclamation mark was because I felt hopeful about losing weight.)

This is an actual page from my journal–recorded when I was 10 years old. Calorie-counting followed me through my life for more than 25 years, and I am beyond happy to be finished with it.

My “calorie-counting era” spanned more than 25 years. I kept daily tallies in little notebooks and journals, all throughout my day planner, and then in a variety of smartphone apps. I tried desperately to stay below 1,000 calories a day but often ended up sneaking a Twix bar (and not counting it) or giving up at 4pm and vowing to do better the next day.

The summer before ninth grade, desperate to lose 20 pounds before stepping into high school, I averaged between 600 and 900 calories a day.

I was so proud of myself.

Not once did I consider my focus on calories to be an eating disorder. My mom counted calories, too, and as my body got smaller and smaller, everyone congratulated me.

I had been conditioned to believe that feeling hungry equaled success. (Maybe you can relate?)

I can’t even explain how painful it is for me now as I think back on those days.

But the worst part? I let the same thing happen to my daughter.

Alia is our oldest daughter–pictured here on the top right. It was right about this time in her life when she noticed that her body was starting to put on weight.

Alia noticed herself getting heavier around third grade.

I could see her stomach was getting rounder, and so I subtly suggested she eat less sugar or go running with me. She didn’t enjoy the exercise, however, and carrying those extra pounds put a lot of strain on her feet. She continued to gain weight all the way through middle school.

Because Alia had lots of friends, excellent grades, and a solid understanding of who she was, I didn’t worry much about her. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it, I told myself.

A couple of months ago, however, she opened up and told me how things had really been.

She shared how she felt self-conscious whenever we took photos of her. She explained that the reason she never went to the mall with her friends was because she didn’t want them to see her buying “big” clothes. And one day, when she was only nine, she looked at her body in the bathroom mirror and simply cried.

I never knew those things.

I do, however, remember the day she left a note on my desk (she was 10) that said this:

Dear Mom,

Will you please help get rid of my “tummy?”

I love you!

Love, Alia

I’m guessing you can empathize with what I felt when I read that–total compassion for my sweet daughter, an incredible responsibility to help her lose weight, and utter panic as I realized I had no idea what to do besides feed her less and exercise her to the point of exhaustion.

So I taught Alia to count calories–just like I had done at her age. And I sent her out to the garage for 45 minutes a day to work out on our elliptical–just as her pediatrician had directed.

Meanwhile, I aged into my mid-30s, and the calorie-counting/exercise-like-crazy strategy that had always worked for me stopped working. This left both of us frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, and hungry.

Fast forward to the present…

Throughout the past year, with the help of a NYT best-selling book called The Calorie Myth, we completely transformed our nutrition and our habits, and we are now in a sustainable, amazing place where we no longer have to starve–yet our bodies continue to get more and more healthy.

To be honest, I’ve been hesitant–and somewhat scared–to talk about this openly. It seems like every time you turn around, someone is telling you how to “lose 12 pounds fast” or “drop 3 dress sizes in 10 days.” And there are a million different diets out there clamoring for attention. I don’t want to be a part of all that noise, and what I’m talking about isn’t a quick fix or a 21-day anything. We’re talking about long-term health and wellness.

Still, it’s not a comfortable feeling to be “putting ourselves out there.”

However, as Alia and I have talked, we decided that our story and our results are too important not to share.

So I am going to post our “before and after” photos (something I never thought I would do), I’ll give you the executive summary of what we did to change our approach to eating, and then I’ll provide links to where you can find more information, if you’d like.

Before and After Photos

My husband took the photo on the left because he thought it was cute that I was eating my first green smoothie out of the blender. (I had been counting my calories and exercising every day, but it wasn’t helping. That was the exact day I started to change my diet.) The photo on the right was taken about seven months later. And while I am not claiming to have “the perfect body” by any means, I am SO happy.

The photo on the left was from Alia’s 8th grade yearbook. She had to shop at women’s stores to find pants that were large enough. The photo on the right was taken about a year later. (She’s holding the pants from the first photo.)

The Executive Summary

Based on The Calorie Myth (by Jonathan Bailor) here are the changes we’ve made to our lives:

(1) We eat 10+ servings of non-starchy vegetables every day.

These are things like spinach, kale, carrots, celery, tomatoes, cauliflower, cucumbers, and bell peppers (not potatoes, peas, and corn). This sounds crazy, I know, but the vegetables fill us up, give us plenty of nutrition, and make us happy. This is not a low-carb diet. We just put 10 servings of vegetables into our bodies each day before we even think about any other carbs.

(2) Nutrient-dense protein

We eat at least three servings of nutrient-dense protein every day–we like fish, low-fat greek yogurt, egg whites, and chicken. Sometimes we eat low-sugar protein bars or protein powders. This was the biggest change for me.

(3) Whole-food fats

Once we build our meal around non-starchy vegetables and nutrient-dense protein, we add in a few servings of whole-food fats like avocados, coconut, chia seeds, flax seeds, and raw nuts. We make yummy breads and desserts with these whole food fats combined with safe sweeteners. I used to be afraid of fat. I thought it would make me fat. The right kinds of fats do not….

(4) Low-fructose fruits

We put the first three kinds of foods into our bodies first, so we don’t typically have room for a ton of fruit, but we do eat oranges, grapefruit, blueberries, and strawberries (and some other fruits occasionally–about one serving a day).

(5) Hydration, rest, and exercise

We make sure we drink plenty of water, get plenty of rest, and move our bodies as much as possible (there’s more about a simple approach to exercise in Jonathan Bailor’s book and program).

Conclusion

We hear a lot about “feeding the hungry,” and usually that conjures up images of people in third world countries who are desperate for food. I have deep compassion for those individuals, and we donate money every month to help them to eat.

But have you ever considered the fact that there are people all around us who are hungry…who are starving themselves because they want their bodies to be acceptable to our society?

That was me. That was my daughter. Maybe that’s you?

Anyone who is struggling needs to know that starving isn’t necessary.

Now, whatever you decide to do with this information, I encourage you to learn how your body works and what foods are best for you. I invite you to put your knowledge into action and do something to change. And I invite you to become who you know you’re meant to be…which I’m positive cannot happen if you are starving.

Don’t worry, though. You’re not alone. We’re doing this with you.

Further Links

(SANESolution and Amazon are affiliate links…. Zero pressure from us to purchase anything, but if you make a purchase through one of these links, you will help to support the work we do here at LearnDoBecome. Thanks!)

You both are beautiful–before and after. So inspiring you’ve found a healthier way to live. Just curious, what is the span of time between the photos? How long did it take for these changes to take hold?
We are embarking on similar changes and, I admit, it’s scary!

Thank you so much for your sweet comment! 🙂 My before picture was taken around March 2014, and my after picture was taken in in May 2015. I didn’t start going SANE until July of 2014. The ‘after’ picture is really recent, and that’s what I look like now. It took about 3 1/2 months for me to notice any big changes (the really noticeable ones like my waist and face). I had gone down from a 10 to a 6 in pant sizes after only being SANE for about a month. My results were pretty spread out, and I’m still seeing them now after being SANE almost a year!

As for my mom’s results, the before picture was taken in July 2014. She actually didn’t want to have that picture taken, but she’s glad to have it now because it shows just where she started off. It was her very first day of going SANE, and it was one of her first spinach smoothies that she had made. The after picture was taken around the same time that mine was–May or June 2015. I’m not exactly sure how long it took for her to notice the changes, but I think it might have been similar to mine. I do know that she saw the biggest changes in her measurements. There wasn’t much of a difference in her weight (and we actually don’t even weigh ourselves anymore–we just focus on measurements), but as you can see from the pictures, her waist, legs, arms, and even her face look quite different.

Thank you for sharing your story.. Inspiring!!! I am trying to go sane, but do have a question… What do you do about sweets and breads? Do you avoid them completely? Treat yourself every once in a while???

Hi Rachel! Thanks so much for your comment! When I was first going SANE, I was really, really strict, and I avoided all sweets, grains, and starches. I definitely could have eaten whatever I wanted, but I was just so excited to see the results that I had been trying to get for over five years. Because I was eating the most SANE foods, I was able to ‘heal’ my metabolism and get to my optimal set-point fairly quickly. I have a few friends that have been going SANE with me, and they weren’t as strict as I was. They definitely saw results, but it took them longer. I think that you can adjust the foods you are eating according to the results that you want.

Now that I am at my ideal set-point, it isn’t a huge deal if I occasionally have grains or starches. I occasionally have rice or bread or potatoes, but they just don’t taste very good to me anymore (and I actually get sick when I eat them). I still try to stay away from sugar, and I think that is the hardest one of all because it is in everything.

I have found some great recipes online for breads and sweets that are SANE. I search for ‘Paleo’ recipes, and then I adapt them a bit if they aren’t completely SANE. This is my favorite bread recipe. There are also lots of ideas on the SANE Solution Pinterest boards. I would definitely check those out. (One thing we have learned is to not substitute things from SANE recipes. If you don’t have the ingredients, then maybe hold off on making them. We’ve made quite a few desserts and breads that were completely inedible!)

I hope that helps! Good luck!! Going SANE will be one of the best things that has ever happened for you–I know that from my own experience 🙂
Alia

We are making changes in our house… I LOVED the worksheets on what Alia eats. I have used that for my 4 kids (or I am trying too). Also- your snack sharing on Instagram- Brilliant!
Thank you for inspiring us and taking the time to share your story with everyone. You are making a difference to so many- starting one family at a time..
Now I am off to cut some peppers and cucumbers for my mid afternoon snack. 🙂

Hi April and Alia!
Wow what a wonderful story! You are both an inspiration! I would love for Alia to talk to my daughter. We recently started a workout program and this would really be beneficial to us. I am encouraged by your commitment and believe we would be able to do this too! I just ordered the book on Amazon as well.

This is a question for Alia. I have an 11 year old daughter in what seems to be the same position you were. She’s on the low end of 100lbs. She’s the oldest of five sisters and is the only one who is overweight. I noticed her “tummy” around grade 3 as well and kept hoping she would grow into it. Not happening. She hasn’t mentioned anything about it yet but after hearing your story I’m thinking she must be keeping her feelings bottled up. I’ve done very similar things with her as your mother has with you. We sometimes run together, we tried not eating sugar, we limited breads and cereals but nothing is helping.

I’m totally signing up for the program you, your Mom and Jonathan have developed but in the meantime here’s the loaded question…do you have any suggestions on how to broach the subject with her without making her feel like there is something wrong with her? Or do I not say anything and just try to change our family’s eating habits without singling her out? I cook mostly from scratch so we will all be eating the same things but I want her extra committed so she’ll try new things. Especially those green smoothies. I don’t think her younger sisters will be on board.

Sorry for the long post. I cried when I listened to your podcast when you shared some of what you were going through. It breaks my heart that my daughter is probably feeling the same things.

Thank-you. That is actually the first podcast I listened to that has started my stalking of your family 😉
It had great information and really opened my eyes to what she may be going through. My hesitation is with how to start the conversation without putting words or ideas into her head. She hasn’t mentioned anything up to this point and I don’t want to add fuel to a fire that may not have started.