RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: And Tonight's Winner Is... A Giant Spider

Last week, on Miss Vanjie’s Drag Race, the girls stomped the runway in their “best drag” (debatable) and performed in the PharmaRusical, a lip sync extravaganza with a Big Pharma theme (life is meaningless). Team leader and whistleblower The Vixen took home the gold, and after an emotional lip sync against Eureka O’Hara, it was beloved plus-sized “Who?” Kalorie Karbdashian that sashayed away.

Today it’s another day, another episode, Kitty Girls™! And, narratively speaking, I’m just going to say that this one was a hot mess. It began with yet another callback to Monet X Change’s polarizing sponge dress from episode one (which Asia O’Hara still considers an impeachable offense), but then quickly honed in on two conflicts: The Vixen vs. Aquaria, and Mo’Nique Heart vs. her standing in the competition.

To boil it down, Aquaria just thinks it’s funny how The Vixen won last week’s challenge despite her “best drag” look featuring someone else’s wig. Gasp! Aquaria then bolted for the hills, but her hit and run failed after The Vixen fought her (after all, her tagline is “The Vixen Will Fight You”), thus establishing a rivalry sure to continue so long as both of them are in the running. “Aquaria likes to poke the bear,” The Vixen said. “But this bear will hunt you down.” Yikes! At least if The Vixen kills Aquaria, Aquaria’s body double Miz Cracker will be available to fill in.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Mo’Nique has officially had it with being overlooked by the judges — both in episode one, where she wore a fierce Queen of Hearts getup complete with a handmade plastic wig (valid!), and then in episode two, where she wore a two-in-one Cookie Monster look (she must have forgotten about her performance in the PharmaRusical, as both we and the judges did, or else she would have cited that too).

Another quick drag mini-challenge, which I’m all for, but this one was a little creepy! The girls auditioned to be cast in a RuPaul chocolate bar commercial (the chocolate bar actually exists, because this show is nothing if not an elaborate promotional vehicle for various RuPaul purchasables). RuPaul directs the girls off-camera and asks them to do things like caress the chocolate, lick the chocolate, tell the chocolate you love it, and other offputting situations I did not consent to hear or watch.

Three winners emerged, none of whom were Aquaria, who was at a disadvantage in the challenge because she is an alien life form who relies solely on photosynthesis to sustain herself and has only a nebulous understanding of the concept of “chocolate.” Mo’Nique Heart, Blair St. Clair, and Monet X Change were punished for winning by being made team leaders in the maxi challenge, ordered to write and act in their own dating app commercials.

The apps were: Fibstr, the dating app for pathological liars (not so different from Grindr, really), Madame Buttrface, the dating app for people with hot bodies if “but her face” (problematic TBQH), and End of Days, the dating app for people preparing for the apocalypse (out of all of them, the most viable business venture. I invested).

Yuhua was picked last for Queer Dodgeball and ended up on Team Buttrface, where she immediately caused a scandal by doing her face up to look pretty. “I’m gonna put dots, girl,” Yuhua said after being called out for her beauty (why was she coming for Dusty Ray Bottoms’ gig?) In her defense, Yuhua did ask for a prosthetic nose, but Aquaria needed three to mask the sheer perfection of her face.

In a twist, the final, edited commercials hewed pretty close to the chaotic filming sessions that birthed them. Mayhem (Team Mo’Nique) completely checked out, and was overtaken by soft-spoken Kameron of all people, who decided to become her team’s narrator at the last minute. Mayhem ended up with a real dud of a bit where she played a kinky dominatrix who said she was going to make a Pit Crew member “her bitch.” How that still managed to end up so unexciting, I really don’t know.

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Team St. Clair, on the other hand, delivered, even if they were weighed down by a deflated The Vixen. The post-apocalyptic commercial played to all their individual strengths — Blair got to ham it up as a leading damsel and Eureka got to be… Eureka. I’ll be saying “I know girl” in my head for days — while team X Change rested their entire commercial on how funny Asia’s face looked in booger drag (this paid off). Yuhua, unfortunately, lagged behind. She did not look that ugly, and her gag made no sense (she was exercising and mentioned having a strong, flexible body. And what?)

Drama erupted in the Werk Room anew when Aquaria revisited the subject of The Vixen’s borrowed wig (why? Why!), but the fight was interrupted by a truly immense spider chilling on a mannequin, which sent the girls into a collective screaming fit. No, really, just an absolute unit of an arachnid. Miss Giant Spider… tonight, on the runway, you served us legs for days. And after your performance in the main challenge, you had us caught in Charlotte’s Web. Condragulations, you are the winner of this challenge.

We witnessed a touching moment before the runway as Blair St. Clair dished about her special relationship with her mother, who is religious and her biggest fan, which was so sweet to hear but made me want to call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Dusty Ray Bottoms talked about coming from a religious household, being forced to undergo an exorcism when she came out to her parents and how she still believes in God. It was a sweet segment that touched on very important issues. Anyway, on to the devastating judge critiques.

The runway theme this week was feathers! It made for some jaw-dropping looks and, I assume, a nightmare for the cleaning crew afterwards. I was gagged over Aquaria’s dying dove look, verklempt after Asia’s Tweety Bird couture, and Kameron’s steampunk Mad Max glam vulture number was a welcome surprise. Do not show Mike Pence that last sentence. I don’t know what he’ll do to us if he sees it.

Mo’Nique, after all that narrative buildup about not being noticed, is… safe. Which is why the storyline felt a bit askew for me this episode. What was all that about earlier, then? How many precious minutes of The Vixen hunting down Aquaria in the Werk Room like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park did we miss out on to establish this Mo’Nique storyline that went nowhere? Oh well, there’s always next time.

Anyway, the problem with feathers (especially so many of them!) is that they run the risk of looking downright cheap, a trap Yuhua Hamasaki fell right into. Her crow look was a little too Hobby Lobby, and it landed her in the bottom two next to Mayhem Miller, which all but guaranteed the former’s exit before the lip sync even began. Girl, we are not ready to part with Miss Miller.

I feel bad for Yuhua. As I said after episode one, there just wasn’t a real storyline in this season for her, aside from her clapping back at the judges, which is nowhere near as exciting as queens who waited ten seasons to finally get on the show or are there to behead Aquaria in the name of social justice. In this standout batch of queens, I feel she’s the one I got to know the least about. But that’s just how the cookie crumbles! Be sure to tune in next week to see what product RuPaul will try to sell you next.

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Perhaps it will be cookies.

John Paul Brammer is a New York-based writer and advice columnist from Oklahoma whose work has appeared in The Guardian, Slate, NBC, BuzzFeed and more. He is currently in the process of writing his first novel.

Note: The headline of this article was changed from "RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: The Vixen Might Actually Murder Aquaria" to "RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: And Tonight's Winner Is... A Giant Spider." Tonight's episode of Untucked featured a heartfelt, necessary conversation about how The Vixen has been painted as aggressive on the show due to her race, and our original headline was insensitive in light of it. We didn't get a chance to watch Untucked before posting this, and regret the original headline.

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