Sexually-active, yet unprepared, students at The College of New Jersey now have a pregnancy-and-sexually-transmitted-disease safety net to fall into during those certain heated moments of arousal. Thanks to fellow student Kyle McCabe, who we’ll introduce you to momentarily, an emergency rubber is just a few mouse clicks and several minutes away. McCabe started his company, CondAm, to hopefully encourage more safe sex on campus, but don’t make him out to be a saint quite yet — he does turn a small profit.

TCNJ students in need of prompt prophylactics can contact McCabe via his website, and he promises to deliver the good within minutes.

A single condom costs $3; a 10-pack costs $15.

Hell of a bargain there, McCabe. Shelling out three bones when a willing participant is horned up enough to accept you is the kind of deal anyone can get behind.

Calls at 2 or 3 AM are rough, McCabe admits — especially if he’s with his own girlfriend. “But I know if I get a call there’s kids in need,” he says, “I’m happy to do it.”

Whoa there, time out. I’m throwing the challenge flag on this one. Review the tape, because I’m willing to place a small wager that says this kid is as single as Oscar Pistorius is on this Valentine’s Day. “Oh come on, Dorn. Don’t be a dick. This guy’s doing good work up there in Jersey.” I don’t dispute that, but, well, let’s roll the tape and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Meet Kyle McCabe:

Nerd City.

But what a trooper, man. An entrepreneurial good samaritan. Yeah, so the guy is a little socially awkward, but he’s providing an invaluable service to his peers, and at a pretty reasonable price.

If the awesome, very apparent irony here hasn’t already smacked you across your stupid face, I’ll point it out for you. The fella who sits around and waits for his condom-less schoolmates to get the fornication green light — and runs around campus delivering them safe sex prophylactics wearing a fucking bicycle helmet with a blue, spinning, attention-grabbing emergency light on top of it — is probably the only guy on campus not getting laid. My favorite jokes are the ones that write themselves, and this safe-sex-nerd-hero is the Ernest Hemingway of his university.

“Things like that don’t happen to people like us.” This is all the contraception I need. If this should fail and she does get pregnant it is no big deal, I’ll just pull a Patrick Bateman on her. And I don’t need protection from STDs because I only fuck republicans.