No, you relax, You're the dead guy!

I had two great loves in my childhood: Atreyu from the Neverending Story and Patrick Swayze. I still love Atreyu, although that's probably not cool. He's 11. But he has such pretty hair. Anyway.

My other love was Patrick Swayze. I had an 8 by 10 of him on my wall from the Horse Fancy magazine I'd saved my allowance to buy. He fancied horses, you see. I had it laminated so I could kiss it every night.

One of those nights, Dirty Dancing was going to be on network television. I wanted to watch it on the tiny black and white tv my sister and I had in our room, but my mom said that it was inappropriate. She'd called up my dad and they were discussing whether or not I should be allowed to watch it. "He's taking his pants off, James," I heard her say from my position in the hallway where I waited with bated breath. There was a pause as she surveyed the television. "No wait, he's putting them on. Colleen! You can watch it!"

I didn't get to see Ghost till it came out on video. And even though I was bothered immensely by Demi Moore's lesbian haircut, I still wanted to be her. When I eventually took Ceramics as a sophomore in high school, I fondly reminisced upon its famous scene, slightly sad with the realization that making a lopsided vase that would later blow up in the kiln with the stoned guy across from me was not quite as romantic. But I tried.