TIME OF THE SIGNS

THE BLIGHT BULLETIN — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres.

It’s about those campaign signs, but first, fellow citizens, once again your Board of Directors of RRA wishes to bring you up to speed on our neighborhood events, concerns and lawsuits. Actually, we are not really up to speed on some projects. Our Christmas lights are still up since Homer Lugnut moved and took his ladder with him. (The warden confiscated it.) We feel the lights are so much trouble to take down we might as well leave them up till next Christmas. The neighborhood swimming pool is still under quarantine by the Health Dept. even though most, but not all, of the toxic chemicals have been removed, as have the family of alligators. There is no news about the sink hole, the carbon test on the Widow Malcontent or Constable Tom “Smack” Truncheon’s brutality and Breathalyzer appeal.

Currently our biggest problem involves front yards signs. Up till now we have ignored the rules against billboards, feeling that they not only bring color to the neighborhood but are informative, telling us where the nearest tattoo parlor can be found, ditto with the bail bondsmen. But in this super-charged election year, some order and couth must be observed. For instance, the “McCain & Palin – Hero & Zero” signs are getting a bit weather-beaten, not to mention the “I Like Ike” and “Tippycanoe and Tyler, Too” posters. In more recent campaigns, “JEB! The Smart Bush” and “Rick Perry — Nobody’s Perfect” signs should be removed, along with the Mucklucks’ banner: “Cruz in 2020-24-28 ad infinitum.”

Although we believe in the First Amendment at times, and the Second Amendment first, some taste limitations must be imposed. Signs questioning the true birthplace and citizenship of, say, a communist Kenyan, are acceptable, along with those demanding the truth about Benghazi, but we must draw the line on signs reading: “The Establishment Is Insane,” “ISIS Lives at 123 Deadend Drive” and “Free the Waco 100 — Viva Bandidos!” While we admire the poster reading: “Mr. Trump — Build Up That Wall!” the Ronald Reagan estate is suing for plagiarism. Yard signs dealing with treason, sexual preferences and accusations of arson will not be tolerated in front yards. What you put up in your backyards, horse stalls and RVs on blocks is your business. While on the subject of offensive words and slogans, some of you have applied bumper stickers such as: “Ask Me About Voter Fraud,” also: “My Child Is A Honor Dropout” and “It’s Not the Ovary Office.” Placing such stickers on your own pickup or tractor is fine, but stop sticking them on other people’s vehicles as that could lead to violence. (We’ll have an update on Oscar Ocelot’s condition next week.)

In answer to several residents’ inquiries, the Electoral College has nothing to do with electricity or universities. Voting this year will be at the Aaron Burr Elementary School (formerly the Alexander Hamilton Elementary School, but the name was changed when civic activists pointed out that Hamilton was only a war hero and established the nation’s financial system, but knew some slave owners, while Burr was a great shot). On another matter, our Congressman replied to our petition to bring plumbing to the neighborhood with a personal email from a staff member: “Dear Occupant, your plea is very important to us, but currently all the Congressman’s aides are busy with other whining constituents who only pester us with their complaints when they want something, but we never hear from them during campaign fund-raising drives. Your snivel will be taken in the order it was received. Current waiting time is (pause) late next month. The Congressman would love to answer each letter, email and scrawlings on paper napkins, but he is currently on a month-long fact-finding trip to Cozumel and Monaco.”

The entire neighborhood suffered greatly in the Tax Day floods (that’s April 15 since most residents don’t pay taxes) and asked FEMA for help. Fortunately, FEMA had declared RRA a disaster area even before the floods. As one government official put it: “Running Rats Acres not only set a record, but one more time and you retire the trophy.” In news of our neighbors, we congratulate Bennie Bob Squat, Jr. on his election as president of his fifth grade class. This is the third year Bennie Bob has been elected president of the fifth grade. Mary-Sue Alice-Mary Gumwad announced she is marrying Jon Jim Gumwad. “We like to keep our genes in the family,” she explained through her keeper. The posters you see nailed to poles and piles of tires reading: “Lost – Freddy – reward” should have noted that Freddy is not the Corncobs’ dog. Frederick, but their 30-year-old son who escaped when the postman accidentally left the drawbridge down. Speaking of our postman, Mr. Malcomb Missent, would like all residents to know he is beginning his literacy lessons next month, so postal service should improve. And a warning: the block wardens in charge of rabid dog alerts, using more than one leaf blower at 3 a.m. and garbage rules (the city is supposed to pick up, not deposit), do not like being called “block heads.”

Getting back to yard signs, “Cruz Control” and “Lose With Cruz” have been so overused, redundant and repetitive that the RRA board has put a limit of 20 such signs for each yard. Please leave up those Christi, Santorun and Huckabee signs since we all like a good laugh. On the other hand, Trump posters, placards and bumper stickers are not only welcomed but encouraged. You can pick up more of them at Elmo Crabgrasses’ place. They are in the garage which he has converted into a man cave. Look under the bar, and late at night, look under Elmo. Finally, some anonymous residents have asked what happened to their Clinton and Sanders yard signs. Remember the neighborhood Memorial Day picnic and bonfire?