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I know my columns are usually full of fripperies about magpies, Ferrero Rocher and arguments I’ve had with strangers on public transport.

Furthermore, I am painfully aware that such guff is out of kilter with Metro’s otherwise hard-hitting investigative journalism.

So I thought it was about time I wrote something with proper, meaningful content. More than that, it is potentially worth billions of pounds to every single reader. I thought that would get your attention.

I am going to tell you what you should do if you are ever granted a wish or wishes by a supernatural creature such as a genie or a magpie (according to the magpie reward system, that’s what you get if you see eight magpies all at once – as if that has ever happened).

It’s incredible how many people have not planned ahead for that eventuality. They’re thinking: ‘If I ever get wishes, I’ll just ask for riches and a palace and to get off with George Clooney.’ But it’s vital to work out in advance exactly what you’re going to ask for, otherwise you’ll get flustered or impulsive and you’ll end up with a sausage on your nose or something. You read the fairy stories and thought: ‘That would never happen to me!’ But it will.

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If you ever get a wish from a supernatural creature such as a unicorn or a gonk, your first wish must be: ‘I wish I had infinity wishes.’ We all know that. We all worked it out when we were five years old. Don’t worry, that is not my big scoop.

It’s the second wish that is important. If you are ever given a wish by a supernatural creature, such as a goblin or an unplugged fairground fortune-telling machine, then your second wish has to be: ‘I wish that none of my future wishes, including this one, will be misunderstood or misconstrued in any way, to give consequences that were not what I intended. Nor that if I use the phrase “I wish” as a figure of speech in every day conversation, will that wish be granted.

In fact, every time you think I have made a wish, I would like a written contract to appear, detailing the exact consequences of my wish, from now until the end of time, so I can check that there are no tricks and traps in it. Only
when I am happy with it and have signed the contract will the wish come true.’

Rip this article out of the paper right now and keep it in your wallet or handbag, and if you get a wish from a supernatural creature such as a nymph or the candles of a birthday cake, just read that out verbatim and you’ll be golden.

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I don’t ask anything for this service but if you do ever get a wish or wishes from a supernatural creature such as a pixie or a Jesus, and you use my wish template, then maybe you could make one of your infinity wishes: ‘I wish Richard Herring got £250.’

I’m not greedy, it’s just a token to acknowledge my part in your good fortune. Also, if everyone who got wishes from a supernatural creature, like a magical 50p or a Bagpuss, did that, then I would become a millionaire.

If you’d rather not pay that much, though, then take advantage of my special offer. Just send me £50 right now and we’ll call it even. That’s a saving of 80 per cent. Send your cheques via Metro.

You’ll wish you’d done it when you get those wishes. Don’t risk it. Send the money now!

Richard Herring’s show, We’re All Going To Die!, is touring nationally until April 2014. For tickets and details, visit http://www.richardherring.com