A list of God’s least favorite things

#14 American Idol

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about the most evil, stupid show on television today – American Idol.

I hate American Idol. It’s blatantly blasphemous! For the love of Me, it’s got Idol right in the name!

Remember? Idolatry? One of the ten things I banned way back when?

You have all completely forgotten the first and second commandments:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol

Must I remind you that the point of all existence is to worship Me?! You people put TV before Me, and then dedicate all your time to making new idols. Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks – all demons sent from hell to distract you from how Awesome My Singing Voice is!

And let’s not forget the ‘judges.’ Simon Cowell is a pompous asshole who beats his wife, Paul Abdul is a pill-popping cum-guzzling gutter-slut, and Randy Jackson is a fat bastard who murdered a guy once. And Americans worship this three-headed monster three nights a week and then sleep in on Sundays.

That’s another thing I hate about American Idol – the crazy numbers it gets. It averages 30 million heathen viewers every show. That’s roughly 90 million more American souls I have to damn to hell every week!

And America used to be My Favorite Country too. They used to print on the money, “In God We Trust.” I really liked that. It was flattering.

Yup, I used to bless the U.S.A. whenever I was asked. But no more. Now I curse this land of apostasy! You have American Idol to thank for that.

For the record, I have no problem with Ryan Seacrest. He’s actually pretty cool.

Note: I also don’t like how American Idol raises money to help Africa.

I LOVE American Idol! Where else can we watch people with a modicum of talent make fools of themselves when they have to sing and dance like ponies to Andrew Lloyd Webber? Where else can we watch a washed-up singer/dancer drool and stammer trying to find something kind to say to everyone while the words dance just out of her merry reach? Where else can we see so much hair gel on the head of one human being? Where else can we watch a bunch of performers beg people to help in Africa knowing full well none of it will make one damn difference as long as I keep the African governments greedy and corrupt? American Idol is magnificent! And even though you think you know all, I’ll bet you did not know that Simon Cowell is one of my own. We created this spectacle together!

I have to say, although I am indifferent and neutral about most things in life, one thing I do take a strong position on is hating american idol and it’s dumb dumbness. It has dumb hosts and dumb fans and dumb contestants with dumb faces.

But if we don’t worship people who are hot with pretty voices, what will the popular culture magazines do with themselves? These people need to exist so we can make them famous and then obsess over the intricate details of their lives.

I am (was) an athiest but now, knowing that there is a god that hates american idol as much as i do, I don’t care if i go to heaven or hell, as long as i know that there is a god that hates things as much as they should be hated

On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.

For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.

Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.