Saturday, July 22, 2006

The Escort Service

I run a personal escort service. Okay, get your mind out of the gutter. It's not that kind of business. I'm my four year old son's personal escort. If he has an urge to go to the bathroom in a restaurant right when our food arrives, he glances at me, his personal escort and declares, "Mommy, take me to the bathroom!" Sure my husband is sitting right next to him and can take him to the men's room, but no, I'm the lucky chaperone who gets to escort him to the loo and wipe his cute behind since he always saves the number twos for me. But the personal escort service doesn't stop at the bathroom. I have also found myself escorting him to the basement, the pantry, his bedroom, the toy chest, you name it and I've been there with my little companion. Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with him but it's getting to the point where he needs to start being a little more independent. Mommy does not have to escort you to the bathroom in the house when she's literally 10 feet away on the couch and can monitor your every move. I've even gone so far as to offer monetary compensation if he takes a trip to the bathroom without me as his tour guide. The tactic worked and so far I'm out one dollar. Today, after I walked him downstairs and then took him to the bathroom he said, "Mommy, does Superman go to the bathroom by himself?" I thought for a moment and replied, "Absolutely, nobody has to take Superman to the bathroom, he can go by himself." My son thought for a moment and then said, "Okay, then if Superman can do it, so can I. You can go sit down now Mommy." Hmmm...maybe we're onto something. Maybe I can finally close my shingle on my personal escort service. "Mommy...come take me to the kitchen," I hear from the other room. Wishful thinking. Back on duty.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Guilt Trip

Just returned from a business trip where I was away from my family for three whole days, got the chance to sleep in a king-sized-bed and worked out at the gym at the crack of dawn, because no one was screaming for me to race to their bedside and escort them to the bathroom. I have to admit, as much as I miss my kids while I take my annual trip across the country, I do enjoy the quiet time, the full night's sleep and the chance to spend five un-interrupted hours reading an entire book without the incessant call of "mommy, mommy, mommy," droning over and over inside my head. While I'd hate to be on the road and away from my kids on a regular basis, a random trip here and there does the mind and body good. I can now finally say I've read a book on Oprah's list...the Kite Runner. Sure she recommended it over a year ago, but thanks to my mini-trip away from home, I was finally able to cross one must-read off my to-do my list!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

L.A. Weight Gain

Week four of my latest diet conquest and I'm still hungry and have lost a total of three pounds. They told me I'd reach my goal within eight weeks and they're obviously certifiably insane. I'm following it as best I can, going hungry for most of the day and despising the gallons of water I'm drinking every other minute. And then, when I go for my weekly weigh-ins, the nutrition counselor is surprised that I haven't lost an ounce. I'm a serial dieter...which means my body is so used to my yo-yo nutrition plan that it feels like it's in combat. Cut my calorie intake in half, and look, nothing happens. Constipated...think a few fiber chews or fish oil pills will get the system going, well think again. Don't mess with the serial dieter. I'm sticking with the extra 10 pounds I've got stuck on my thighs and no one will shake them loose. Will I ever be thin again? Probably not, but I'm not giving up...at least not this week...I've got two days to go before I step on the scale - I better go drink a gallon of water so I can finally lose more than a half a pound.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Necklace

Want to know one way you can tell that you're the parent or grandparent of a child who is going to day camp this summer? The beaded necklace. I thought I was the only one who has been wearing my four year old's prized creation for me this week but suddenly I realized, I was not alone. When Dylan noticed I had sneakily slipped it back in my purse, he demanded I put in on and wear it out in public. And so I did, as we went for breakfast this morning at our local diner. While we dined on the omelette specials and the kids sipped their chocolate milk, I looked out by the counter and noticed an older woman wearing a necklace just like mine. And then, when I walked to the bathroom with my son, I was met by several knowing smiles. Yes, I'm sure all these moms have these necklaces at home, I just have a very insistant little man who won't let me take it off. Long live the plastic beaded necklace...it goes with any outfit...as long as you have bright orange, yellow and hot pink in your wardrobe!