[SIZE="a"]TV was more of a parent to me growing up than my biological parents or relatives were. I probably sound like such a villain and I'm sure I'm overreacting. Because teenage hormones and no I'm getting my period right? Well I'm in my 20s so riding me off as someone with a little teenage angst doesn't work anymore. OK that was my defensive prefacing bit. Now to the real issue

I'm trying to escape my life by watching TV online. I think it is to a point that I'm suppressing my emotions and maybe inducing a dissociative state. The thing is, once I get dissociative I'm like way more depressed and hopeless because dissociation for me comes with like a helplessness feeling and basically an amplified version of depression and in between anxiety attacks. It is really hard to believe there's a way out once I'm in it and once I sense it coming I go out of control because it is more painful at the thought of trying to put my life in order that I end up running mowe and more and I watch things like DeGrassi, filled with drama and I feel like I'm losing touch with reality. I hate being aware that I'm dissociative so I end up trying to block out that awareness too.

But part of me also wants to cope.

My current social worker "therapist" I guess. We talked about my symptoms of my mental illnesses and dissociation is part of that but she described it as feeling out of your body. I don't have classic"out of body experiences" but I'm pretty sure I am experiencing some level of dissociation. I don't know what else to call it. But my social worker ruled me out as having it. Whereas my nurse prectioner has witnessed me during one of my shut down dissociation moments.

How can I cope? I know grounding techniques and deep breathing but I'm looking for something that can help me "remember" my sense of self and feeling like myself again and kind of go back to my thought process after being disoriented. It is like being in prison and having to compensate for that lapse of time. I hate that feeling. Because when I'm out of it I'm still confused about where my thoughts left off before I got into that state.[/size]

Watching TV as an escape isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you don't feel like it is taking away from anything else. I use that and reading as an escape a lot. It just seems easier to get invested in characters; sometimes that's easier than your own life.

Maybe you can mention your name when you feel yourself not present. My therapist once told me to say something like "This is Cassie trying to come back" because it would make me identify with myself, at least somewhat. You might be able to give that a shot and see if it makes a difference. You could also try talking to yourself as if you're comforting a young child. I do that sometimes when I am anxious or shaky and it kind of helps because it forces you to be around yourself, or at least part of yourself.