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The Hands of Smoke

A Louisiana Hospital has decided to ban the clothing of employees who smell like smoke. This is known as 3rd hand smoke. Some employees have found the banning of their clothing liberating, but many argue that working naked at a hospital is not universally desirable and argue that it is less healthy than than a doctor who smokes while delivering a baby.

In today’s society, it’s important to name and categorize everything, so when bad things happen you, know who is to blame. Many have been surprised to find out that such a thing as 3rd hand smoke exists. You’ll be even more surprised to find out that there are actually 6 and a half hands of smoke. Each hand of smoke carries with it certain criminal fine and punishment for the offending smoker. Awareness is important. Many victims are not even aware of the awards available for any and all instances of smoking used against you. Since smoking is now 99% illegal, these charges have been categorized and listed by the court system.

1st Hand Smoke

You’ve intentionally inhaled an amount of smoke. Symptoms include: “the edge” is temporarily taken off and looking a little cooler. It is also a crime and you are going to jail.

Penalty: 25 to Life in prisonCivil rewards: Pending all encompassing class action lawsuit against the cigarette companies

2nd Hand Smoke

You’ve entered a room where someone has expelled smoke or inside of the 20 foot safety zone of a building. After measuring the distance from the building entrance to the offending smoker, report this crime to the police. Symptoms include having to take a shower before bed and temporary irritability but otherwise having a good time, enjoying life.

Penalty: 20 years in prison plus 5 years house arrestCivil rewards: $35,000 per inhalation ($50,000 if smoke is blown into your face – 1.5-Hand Smoke)

3rd Hand Smoke

Smoke that lingers on clothing, couches, curtains, or carpets. Being around someone who had a cigarette once can lead to highly damaging 3rd hand smoke. Even smelling the jacket of a former smoker can lead to instant lung cancer and damaging bowel movements. Symptoms include: not liking how someone smells and dealing with it in a reasonable manner – then calling the police.

Penalty: Up to 2 years in prison with lifetime GPS ankle braceletCivil rewards: $1000 per detection of smoke residue

4th Hand Smoke

Knowing someone who knows a smoker. This hand of smoke is insidiously dangerous. You may shake hands or share desert with someone who knows a smoker. The smoke residue may travel from the original smoker through your friend or colleague and enter through your mouth or nose causing an unmeasurable amount of damage. Symptoms may not reveal for 50 years or more and will be difficult to track back to the proper source. Since it’s hard to pin down the source of this hand of smoke so it’s best to hire a detective to follow your friend around to see if they consort with smokers. Symptoms of a 4th hand smoke victim include: headache, back pain, being tired, talking to strangers about the weather, and hunger around noon, daily.

Penalty: 500 hours of community serviceCivil rewards: up to $100 per incident plus medical bills

5th Hand Smoke

The victim has communicated with a smoker. Be aware of raspy voices and coughing. It’s your right to have a phone conversation free of the interrupting effects of a smoker. Your precious minutes are wasted with asking the caller to repeat themselves or waiting for their coughing fit to end. It’s estimated that companies lose 35% productivity each time an employee speaks with a smoker.

Formerly this applied only to voice phone communication but has recently expanded to all telecommunication including texting, email, and Facebook. Monitor your friend’s Facebook pictures and report any smoking activity. Their family or friends may be using their phone or keyboard and it’s important that you worry about their well-being at all times.

Penalty: 300 hours community service and banned from the Internet for one weekCivil rewards: up to $100 per incident

6th Hand Smoke

The victim experiences smoke during a dream or altered mental state. The metaphysical effects of 6th hand smoke can be far greater than that of any other kind, because of the long lasting mental effects.

You walk into your high school gym riding a giant chicken. Your car in the middle of the gym with the engine running. Your late grandmother, 3 of the Keebler Elves and a your ex-roommate are inside of your car, smoking. You try to get away but everyone in the gym will laugh at you since you don’t have pants on and you are the only one who can drive them to Disney World. You accidentally drive the car into the ocean and it turns into a Sea Lab where you live out your days studying migration patterns of dolphins. Symptoms include: A burning desire to tell everyone about the dream you had last night, no matter how glazed over their eyes become. Also, fear of going back to sleep.

Penalty: 300 hours community service and one week in a sleep deprivation chamberCivil rewards: automatic $100 from each person in your dream

Please join me this November in the Walk to Promote the 6-and-a-half Hands of Smoke Awareness. Together we can make sure nothing mildly undesirable ever happens to a person again.