July 5, 2006

… well, that’s not really true. I know … at least, I think I know why I am writing these things down. Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong… is there? I just feel like I want to … listen to myself think, I guess. Like I don’t do that enough already. 🙂 In fact, sometimes the voice in my head, my internal monologue or whatever gets so loud and drones on so that I think I might burst! And then other times, I think I’m being a bit bourgeois by trying to write down stuff or consider stuff too much or get too deep inside myself, as if I’m somehow implying I have something worth while to say. Or am I just short-changing myself by saying that? Yikes, I just go back and forth on so many things… is this ‘normal’? OK, bad question – how about, is this average? Do other people think and feel like this?

Am I supposed to say something? I think I am, but I just don’t know what! That’s what the psychic said to me – that I should speak to people, say things. That I should speak specifically about relationships to the gay community. Is that my place? I don’t really know if I have the authority to say such things. I have no degree, and my current relationship isn’t that old yet. I wonder… do I just need an outlet for my creativity? I’m certain that’s probably something to pay attention to – after all, I have always believed I have an artistic temperament and that I can’t be truly happy unless I am creating something.

I really do miss singing – every time I hear someone else doing it, on television, or in theatre, or on the street, or whatever, I say ‘hey, I can do that too, and well at that’ and I feel like I’ve really let myself down by stopping. But on the other hand, music came to represent something so negative to me – something so … suffocating, so ultimately defining – I really don’t want people to define me anymore, ever again, and I fear getting back into it for those reasons. I know, though, that if I picked it back up again it wouldn’t take long for me to get back to where I was. But then, at what cost? I’m living my life right now, and spend so much time with my family – with a hectic rehearsal schedule, what would become of that? Worry, worry, worry…

I am grateful that for once, although there are still challenges, I’m finally happy with the direction my life is going. I really feel connected to the kids, and to my love. I know that I made the right choice by moving here, by integrating with these people – how else could I have done it, after all, falling head over heels for The Guy like I did? And, there was and has always been that deep certainty that kept me from sabotaging it even when I really tried to do that. Something deep inside me always insisted this was it, to just hang in there. And now, now that things are finally starting to level out, I can see where this has been going. I am learning so much about myself, growing so much. The Guy and the kids – they are my teachers. I really want to try and be a better parent, I know there are so many things I am doing well, but there are other things I could improve in. I’m just glad I had the balls for once to make some tough choices and take some huge risks because they’ve earned me the opportunity to change, to grow, to learn, to dream, and, finally at long last, to love.

I don’t know what the future has for us … who does? But I do believe that things are finally starting to be OK. Something solid I can rely on… I know that’s a false sense of security because after all nothing is reliable, nothing, and yet… this feels stable to me somehow, like … I can really look down the miles, through the years, and see myself still here, still loving The Guy, still a parent, still …. here, in this reality. I hope my intuition is right on this one.