]]>Stephen Colbert (whose balls are so big he carries them in a sidecar on weekends) was inspired by Donald Trump‘s Joker-esque proposal that President Obama release his college and passport applications in exchange for $5 million worth of charitable donations. And so, he made an offer to Mr. Trump on last night’s Colbert Report.

“Nation, I am so moved by this generous offer, that I’d like to make an offer of my own. Mr Trump, I will write you a check for $1 million dollars from Colbert Super PAC — you know I’ve got it — to the charity of your choice…Save The Children. Feed The Children. Put The Children on Child Apprentice, whatever…One million actual dollars, if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth. One million.”

Of course, there are conditions.

“But…this dipping — and I hope you’re listening very carefully Mr Trump — this dipping has to be to my and more importantly, my balls’ satisfaction. One caveat…My balls must be in your mouth no later than 5pm October 31st. Nothing would make America happier than to have something going into your mouth than coming out of it.”

Amazing. Though I doubt Trump will do it. He simply doesn’t care enough about the children.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/stephen-colbert-has-an-offer-for-donald-trump/feed/06 People Who Feuded With Donald Trump And Lived To Tell The Talehttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/6-people-who-feuded-with-donald-trump-and-lived-to-tell-the-tale/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/6-people-who-feuded-with-donald-trump-and-lived-to-tell-the-tale/#commentsMon, 05 Mar 2012 21:32:32 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=246793What an asshole.

]]>It would be wrong to call Donald Trump “polarizing,” because nobody will actually admit to liking him, or even taking him seriously. So I guess the right word would be “loathed” or “reviled.” Regardless of the word choice, it’s hard to argue that Donald hasn’t left a wake of destruction behind him as he mouths off during high-profile feuds with anyone who dares cross him. Most recently, as you’ll read below, he’s traded blows with conservative pundit George Will for expressing an opinion that The Donald didn’t agree with. No sir. Not one bit.

A couple things to glean from Donald in fight mode: He thinks many of his enemies are “losers,” he can’t be expected to take the high road in any fight, and if you don’t have a public lunch with him, he will NOT endorse you for president. Something to think about.

Barack Obama

As we are all painfully aware, Donald Trump predicated his limping 2011 presidential campaign by setting his sites squarely on Barack Obama and his “missing” birth certificate. Trump was so curious as to the contents of the certificate that Obama refused to share he even hired a team to “track down” the document.

When Obama reluctantly produced the certificate, everything appeared to be in order, but the president reminded America, “We’re not gonna be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.”

Trump then responded to this bit of reason by launching a campaign into how a “terrible student” like Obama got into such prestigious schools.

To be (painfully) continued…

George Will

"Where the tight pussy at?"

More recently (like, a few hours ago), Donald Trump leveled his sights on conservative pundit George Will, who suggested that the Republican party should focus their efforts not on winning the presidency, which he thinks isn’t realistic, but maintaining control of the House and winning control of the Senate.

Trump comes across like a sports columnist, harping on how “overrated” Will is, then making fun of his appearance, which is a big stone to throw in Trump’s glass house. Here is Trump’s quote:

“I think he’s a totally overrated fool. I think this guy is so overrated. I don’t think he’s really smart, he looks smart with the little glasses and hair swept to the side,” Trump said on “Fox & Friends.” “That was one of the dumbest [comments]. … I think he’s a totally overrated pundit.”

]]>There was a huge record scratch in the Republican party today when Donald Trump announced that he would be endorsingMitt Romney and NOT Newt Gingrich. One of Trump’s advisers made a surprise announcement last night that Donald Trump would be making a surprise announcement today regarding the presidency that would shock the world. The Gingrich camp was so certain that meant an endorsement of their candidate that they’d already jumped the gun and announced it to news outlets. Our sources are waiting to confirm whether or not this was a segment filmed for MTV‘s Punk’d revival.

But what does Trump’s endorsement mean for Romney? The chance to meet Tia Carrere? Well, judging from his track record, it means jack sh*t. That’s if any of these Trump-endorsed products are any indicator.

Donald Trump: The Fragrance

Now you can own the smell of success. Just please note that smell also features hints of cigar, hairspray, bronzer, and tarragon.

Trump Teas

Who better to sell a line of holistic teas than ancient Chinese person, Donald Trump? Actually, the teas themselves are blended by Talbot Tea’s master blender. But Trump paid for the keepsake tin. That’s something people who aren’t Trump will want to keep forever. Right?

Trump ICE

If you can’t beat the heat with state-of-the-art air conditioning in a luxury penthouse with your name written on the outside of it, here’s the next best thing. A bottle of tap water with a toupeed gazillionaire mugging on the hastily pasted-on label. Take that, global warming!

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/donald-trump-will-endorse-anything-13-examples/feed/0TrumpFragrancetrumpteaice_img2The New ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Cast: Who Would I Eat First To Stay Alive?http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/the-new-celebrity-apprentice-cast-who-would-i-eat-first-to-stay-alive/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/the-new-celebrity-apprentice-cast-who-would-i-eat-first-to-stay-alive/#commentsThu, 05 Jan 2012 17:00:31 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=241475These are the most succulent contestants yet.

]]>I haven’t eaten lunch today, so the thought of surviving a plane crash in the mountains with the newly-announced cast of the fifth season of NBC‘s Celebrity Apprentice, and being forced to eat them one-by-one to survive, has my mouth watering.

I don’t have an elaborate formula for deciding the order in which I would like to eat these celebrities. I might wish to eat a few of the more delicious ones first, then pepper the bland or stringy ones in the middle, finishing on a strong note. It’s all based on my gut feeling, but I promise to explain my decisions as much as my decisions will lend themselves to explanation.

Let’s eat.

Paul Teutul

I’m really worried about this guy, so I’d like to knock him out first. There’s something about tan, hairy, leathery guys that just kills my appetite. I also think that he works around a lot of chemicals, so I’d rather not have to work my way through all these contestants with the looming concern of Paul Teutul’s toxic meat. I’d rather just get it over with. Also, I would throw him up as soon as I swallowed his flesh. I probably should have started with that caveat.

Aubrey O’Day

The former Danity Kane singer would be like a sorbet. A palette cleanser if you will. While I would initially dive into her after Mr. American Chopper, I wouldn’t eat her all at once. Rather, I would save parts of her to eat after a particularly bad meal. If worse came to absolute worse, and I still needed sustenance after eating all this Celebrity Apprentice meat, I would probably eat her hair. But I really hope I’d be rescued before I had to make that decision.

Cheryl Tiegs

I’m not really old enough have an opinion of this 70’s model one way or the other, so I’d probably just choke her down, and alternate bites of her with bites of leftover Aubrey O’Day to make her more palatable. NBD.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-photos/trump-cat/feed/0trump-catDonald Trump’s Hair: A Comprehensive Galleryhttp://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/donald-trumps-hair-a-comprehensive-gallery/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/donald-trumps-hair-a-comprehensive-gallery/#commentsThu, 21 Apr 2011 20:24:09 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=Gallery&p=208179When you see a normal person with a bad hair style, you wonder what they were thinking. But with Trump, it's not a question of what. It's a question of how and why.

But Donald Trump‘s hair is a different animal all together (insert raccoon joke here). When you see a normal person with a bad hair style, you wonder what they were thinking. But with Trump, it’s not a question of what. It’s a question of how and why. How does he get his hair to do whatever the hell it does, and why doesn’t he use his money to buy a wig or some decent hair plugs? Unfortunately, those questions will never be answered. All we can do is stare at the following pictures of Donald Trump’s hair and wonder.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/donald-trumps-hair-a-comprehensive-gallery/feed/1Gone Gary Gone: Busey’s Last Stand On ‘Celebrity Apprentice’http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/gone-gary-gone-buseys-last-stand-on-celebrity-apprentice/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/gone-gary-gone-buseys-last-stand-on-celebrity-apprentice/#commentsMon, 18 Apr 2011 19:52:48 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=207511Donald Trump fired Gary Busey from "Celebrity Apprentice," marking the end of an era for reality television. Well, that's assuming you define "era" as a period of seven weeks where nothing of any real significance happened.

For weeks, the other members of the men’s team had been gunning for Busey. But episode after episode, he managed to survive. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who lived through a high-speed motorcycle accident without a helmet? Outlasting Mark Mcgrath in a bullshit competition involving suntan lotion is child’s play when compared to having your skull bashed open all over the highway, although I imagine both are equally traumatizing. But any way you slice it, Gary Busey is a survivor. No one expected him to last this long.

After barely making it through last week’s nonsense, Busey was given the role of product manager. Obviously, he was meant to fail. Putting Gary Busey in charge of anything is like putting Roman Polanski in charge of a Girl Scout troop, which is to say that sooner or later, things are gonna get screwed. Granted, this was his second turn as project manager, but just like the last time, the incompetence of the women’s team was his only hope. However, despite the overall lack of faith from his teammates, Busey remained optimistic thanks to his “internal wealth of knowledge.”

This week’s task entailed putting on a cooking demonstration for Omaha Steaks. Gary set straight to work, assigning Meat Loaf the role of cook despite the fact that he had no cooking experience whatsoever. While meeting with the company’s executives, he asked hard hitting questions, like whether or not any of their beef comes from Arizona, and then proceeded to discuss whether or not the meat was literally in a state of “suspended animation” thanks to the company’s freezing process. Questions like “what to you want us to accomplish” never came up. Rather than step in to help, Gary’s teammates were content to let Gary fail. As John Rich so eloquently put it, “I’m here to be a tool in the tool box.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.

As the project dragged on, it became clear that Gary didn’t really have a plan. He was content to just wing it by having Meat Loaf behind the grill and stringing the segments together with vague, baffling stories about romantic anniversaries and father-son kite flying sessions. I’d like to give you a more detailed description, but that’s pretty much all there is too it. It made no sense to anyone besides Gary. Earlier in the episode, John Rich accused Gary of either being insane or a saboteur. Clearly it was the latter.

Of course, the men lost, and it didn’t take long for the knives to come out. Meat Loaf was visibly frustrated. Lil’ Jon claimed Busey spent most of the task in outerspace, and John Rich accused Gary of referring to him as “boy” while the cameras weren’t around. Busey countered by saying he had actually called him a “ca’boy,” which he claimed is a shortened version of cowboy even though it shortens the word by exactly zero syllables. Despite Trump’s attempts to add drama, there was clearly no one left to fire but our hero.

Which brings us to Trump, a rumored Presidential candidate. Clearly, it’s just a stunt, but lets assume for a second that he is serious about running. It took him seven weeks to fire a brain-damaged lunatic, which certainly calls into question his judgment. But on the other hand, he could be smart enough to know that Busey was literally the only reason to watch the show, so maybe he’s pretty shrewd after all. Either way, I’d rather vote Hitler and Hilary Clinton’s (insert Sarah Palin, if you prefer) love child.

Actually, why would I need to write that down? After all, it’s common sense. The man is at unstoppable killing machine. All that stupid “tiger blood” shit Charlie Sheen is always ranting about is actually true, in the case of Gary Busey. In short, Gary Busey can not be stopped.

But apparently, Mark McGrath didn’t get the memo, and foolishly chose to challenge Gary in a one-on-one boardroom showdown on last night’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” Two men entered, but only one man left. Needless to say, that man was Gary Busey.

How did Mark McGrath end up losing to man with the mental capacity of a goldfish on mescalin? I’m glad you asked.

This week, the teams were tasked with promoting Australian Gold tanning lotions. The task involved decorating a large box, or something. Honestly, it’s not important. None of the tasks are. They’re simply a means to an end, the end being Gary Busey acting like a crazy asshole, and NeNe calling Latoya Jackson “Casper the Ghost.”

The people at Australian Gold decided to arbitrarily select the women’s team as the winner. This was fitting, because the women’s team, lead by Latoya Jackson, had absolutely no game-plan whatsoever, and simply threw together a bunch of random shit. That pretty much sums up the show, proving it has as much to do with “business” as its “contestants” have to do with “celebrity.”

Even though it’s all bullshit, it still must have hurt for Mark McGrath to lose to Latoya Jackson, a woman who can’t seem to grasp basic math. At one point, she couldn’t understand that her team did not have enough money to make a purchase, even though she really wanted the items in question. It looks like her brother Michael came by it honestly. It also didn’t help that Latoya decided not to use Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk as a bikini model for the task, a move that was so obvious even Hope Dworaczyk thought of it. But despite all this, the women still won. Why? Australian Gold didn’t like the men’s pirate theme or the fact that they didn’t integrate the company’s koala mascot. Pirates: no! Koalas: yes! These are the things you learn when you get an MBA.

But aside from the fact that Mark McGrath’s theme bombed, Gary Busey did all he could to sabotage the product. Early on, he made an awkward sex joke about the Australian Gold lotions in front of one of their female reps. During the task itself, he cornered the executives of the company for 20 minutes, spouting out lines such as “If you don’t have this, you are a failure.” He then offered to become a spokesperson for the company, a move that the executives did not seem to appreciate. Then again, at that point, maybe they simply feared for their lives.

In the end, McGrath accepted responsibility for the failure of his team, a move that is sure to get you booted from the show. When it came time to pick two possible men to be fired, he only chose Gary. Bad move. Busey ducked and weaved around McGrath’s accusations with all the skill and nimbleness of a 4-year-old with Autism. On several occasions, he either lied through his teeth, or genuinely couldn’t remember what had transpired only hours earlier. I choose to believe the latter.

As expected, Trump sent McGrath home, and let Gary live to see another episode. After all, he’s no fool. If you send Busey home, what’s the point of watching? He did, however, make it seem as if Gary’s days were numbered, telling him to shape up or ship out. And if next week’s promo is to be believed, it might be the end of the road for our brain-damaged hero.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/celebrity-apprentice-showdown-gary-busey-devourers-mark-mcgrath/feed/2gary-busey-Mark-McGrathMeatloaf’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Meltdown And The Greatest Gary Busey Quotes (So Far)http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/meatloafs-celebrity-apprentice-meltdown-and-the-greatest-gary-busey-quotes-so-far/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/meatloafs-celebrity-apprentice-meltdown-and-the-greatest-gary-busey-quotes-so-far/#commentsMon, 04 Apr 2011 20:09:05 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=205270While "The Loaf’s" insane rant was a sight to behold, we shouldn’t let it overshadow some of the greatest Gary Busey quotes in the history of Gary Busey.

Hundreds of years from now, when Gary Busey scholars look back on last night’s “Celebrity Apprentice,” they’ll probably focus on Meatloaf’s epic meltdown. And while “The Loaf’s” insane rant was truly a sight to behold, we shouldn’t let it overshadow the fact that the episode contained some of the greatest Gary Busey quotes in the history of Gary Busey.

First things first: the rant. All season long, NBC has been cock teasing us with clips of Meat Loaf going ballistic on Gary Busey, and like an asshole, I’ve come back week after week, hoping to see it. And after four painful weeks, it finally arrived.

The teams were tasked with creating original works of art to be sold at a charity art event. While shopping for supplies, Gary Busey saw Meatloaf pushing a cart full of canvasses, and casually asked Meatloaf if he was buying them for everyone. Meatloaf, who after four days with Busey had clearly hit his limit, did not react well. He left the store with Mark McGrath, and began to vent, misquoting Busey, and claiming Gary was demanding Meatloaf purchase his supplies. As if Academy Award nominated actor Gary Busey would need an overweight has been to buy his supplies. Meatloaf should be so lucky! At any rate, with Meatloaf’s blood boiling, they left for the art studio, at which point some of Meatloaf’s things disappeared. He immediately blamed Busey, and went at him like a bat out of hell…

Amazing! No, I’m not talking about Meatloaf’s anger. I’m talking about Gary Busey’s ability to stay calm under fire. He never raises his tone, and never stoops to Meatlaof’s level. He simply stands their, biding his time, antagonizing the beast with his mental superiority. Even after the bag is found, and Busey is exonerated, he continues to kill Meatloaf with kindness, and Meatloaf responds with more outbursts.

Of course, later in the episode, Meatloaf calms down and apologizes. Busey, being the man that he is, which is to say the greatest man in history, accepts, and in doing so, imparts a shit-ton of wisdom on everyone within earshot.

On Meatloaf’s Anger

“Meatloaf had a battle goin’ inside of him. The best way he knew how to win it was to confront me in a confrontation of death, beating me senseless. That was his way of confronting his own anger.”

“Meatloaf excelled to the level of dancing on a rainbow with no fear…and no doubt.”

My god. He’s like Jesus, Buddah, and Confucius all rolled into one. But the quotes didn’t stop (or start) there. All night long, Busey was like at unstoppable wisdom dispensing cyborg sent from the future to destroy us all with knowledge.

Buseyism for ‘Art’

“A Righteous truth…A R T is the definition of art, because you need heart for the art, and the art brings heart. Therefore they go together…in a wonderful way…in a composition that embraces the eyes of the viewer.”

On Ideas for the Project

“I’m thinking about a clown on a bicycle that goes across a string on two points.”

Buseyism for ‘FUN’

“Finally Understanding Nothing spells fun.”

Apparently, Gary’s incredible ability to take grandiose concepts and break them down in a way that makes them accessible to the common man is rubbing off on his teammates. This isn’t surprising, since greatness often inspires greatness. Country singer John Rich dropped these two nuggets of wisdom in the toilet that is “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Sensational! It’s a shame Richard didn’t heed Lil’ Jon’s warning, as he ended up being sent home for raising the least amount of money. As it turns out, Jose Canseco ended up leaving as well, because his father had supposedl taken a turn for the worse in his fight against cancer. The timing of the departure was a little suspect (as Richard Hatch suggested), since Jose has seemed very bored as of late, and the next task would have required him to raise money, something he’s proven incapable of doing. On the one had, I hope he’s not lying, because that would be pretty sick. On the other hand, I hope he is lying, because then his father isn’t really that bad off. I’m so conflicted.

(Update: Canseco’s dad actually passed away, so he clearly wasn’t just trying to get out of the task, which is good. Except his dad’s dead, which is not good. R.I.P.)

Other than that, there’s not much to say. The women’s team won, Star Jones tried to whisper to a deaf woman, and Gary Busey continued his inevitable march to victory.

What else is there to say? How can I top that? I’m really not sure I need to go on. Actually, since I get paid by the word, I guess it’s best if I do go on and on and on and on and on and elaborate further on the matter (see what I did there?).

Before we jump right into Busey’s genitals, let’s give it some context. Not that the context will help. If anything, it will only make things more confusing.

The episode began with Busey riding high, fresh off last week’s victory. As the team leader, Busey took home a total of $40,000 for his charity, The Center For Head Injury Services. That’s enough to buy 100 homes in Detroit! Gary went on to say that winning the challenge while serving as project manager was on par with being nominated for an Oscar and a Golden Globe. Do you hear that, aspiring actors? Being nominated for the most prestigious awards in Hollywood is on par with aimlessly wandering through a bullshit challenge on a shitty reality show. Isn’t that depressing? You might as well give up now while there’s still time to get an MBA.

This week, the challenge involved creating and shooting a commercial for ACN and their new video phone. The men’s team leader was Lil’ Jon, who Busey had previously labeled an “antagonist.” However, despite Busey’s tendency to act bat-shit insane, the two managed to avoid butting heads, for the most part. However, Meatloaf is clearly running out of patience, and went as far as to say that Busey has “no consideration for other people’s space,” and that he always needs to be the center of attention. Of course he always needs to be the center of attention. He’s Gary friggen Busey! He was starring in films while you were still popping zits on your funny face and jacking off to the lingerie section of the Sears catalog.

Speaking of the center of attention, let’s get back to Gary Busey‘s penis. The men decided on making a commercial that revolved around two grandparents talking to their grandson in South America via video phone, and finding out that he’s engaged to another man (it’s funny cause he’s gay). Gary was cast as the grandfather, and as always, he totally owned the role. In fact, he was so committed to the part that decided not wear any underwear under his robe. After all, old men love to free ball. That’s where the trouble set in.

During one of the takes, as Gary sat down next to his co-star (an older actress playing the grandmother), out flopped his junk for all to see. Sadly, the censors blurred out his genitals. However, Gary could not censor himself, and quickly asked his horrified co-star if she had seen “Big Wednesday,” referring to his penis. Apparently, Busey’s fiancée uses it as a pet name for his pecker. Why “Big Wednesday?” We’ll for starters, Gary Busey is obviously big. But why “Wednesday?” Because, you uncultured cretin, Gary Busey starred in the 1978 surf film, Big Wednesday. In the film, Big Wednesday is “the mythical day when the greatest, cleanest, most transcendent wave of all will come.” No doubt, that description can be equally applied to riding Gary’s penis.

Ironically, “Big Wednesday” wasn’t the only elderly dick we had to deal with. Dionne Warwick was her usual effervescent self, and by effervescent, I mean a horrible old bitch. As in weeks past, she got testy with a deaf woman for no apparent reason. She also had the nerve to criticize Gary Busey’s acting in the commercial, saying he was “stiff.” Listen, sister. The only thing stiff about Gary Busey is “Big Wednesday.” I’m not sure why he didn’t pull it out and use it to smack her in the face. Luckily for Dionne, Gary was probably too distracted by the thought of a puppy he once bludgeoned to death in a coke-fueled rage.

Busey bashing aside, Warwick managed to further alienate herself from her own group by going to bed while the others stayed up and worked on the project. This came back to bite her in her old ass. When the women lost the challenge (thanks in no small part to Busey’s giant shlong), it wasn’t long before they all turned on Dionne. When challenged by her teammates, she quickly backed down, saying she should be sent home. But unlike, Niki Taylor, who bowed out with some class (or as much class as possible, considering she’s on “Celebrity Apprentice“) Warwick just came across as a petulant old bag, and in the end, Trump sent her packing.

So with another week behind us, Busey continues his quest. But next week may mark the end of his run, as he collides with Meatloaf in what promises to be a bitch fight for the ages. I can’t wait to see it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to down a bunch of Xanax and vodka and play with my “Little Tuesday.”

For fans of crazy man Gary Busey, last night’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” (a.k.a. Unhappy Campers) was like the Super Bowl (if the Super Bowl was played by a bunch of washed-up assholes willing to humiliate themselves on national television). Unlike last week’s episode (Child’s Play), in which he was reduced to a bit player, this week saw Busey in the role of project manager. And I’m happy to report that watching Gary Busey lead is everything you’d hope it to be, assuming you’re hoping it to be awkward and hilariously depressing.

From the very beginning, it was clear that Busey’s all-around awesomeness is wearing on his teammates. In an early confrontation, he became agitated and pointed at Meatloaf’s face in a menacing manner, but shrewdly turned the tables and told Loaf to calm down. Brilliant! The man has a mind like a steel trap. In the 1980’s, the trap snapped on a small woodland animal and rusted shut, but so what? He’s clearly the man to beat. As such, the lesser players have begun spreading rumors about his lack of focus and the fact that they’ve had to “carry” him. Of course they are carrying him! Just as ancient-Roman slaves were forced to carry their masters in a litter, so too should the likes of Lil’ Jon and Meatloaf carry Gary Busey.

But in order to prove his detractors wrong, Busey agreed to lead the challenge, which consisted of setting up an outdoor camping display for Camping World, the world’s largest RV and outdoor retailer. During a brainstorming session, he surveyed his team, and quickly labeled Lil’ Jon an “antagonist,” and shot down his ideas. Luckily, Busey had ideas of his own involving “bases” and “drones.” These “crazy” ideas left his team scrambling to understand what was expected of them, which I assume is exactly what Gary wanted. As the team began to bicker amongst themselves, Gary sat quietly, pretending not to understand what was going on.

Later, Mark McGrath managed to procure some shrubs for the display, and asked Gary for $400 dollars to pay for the delivery. Gary promised him the money, but then turned around and gave it all away to Richard Hatch. While on the surface, Gary’s actions might have seemed moronic, McGrath ended up securing the shrubs for free. Clearly, Busey was testing McGrath’s capabilities, or checking to see if McGrath was just going to pocket the money. In either case, it all came together with minimal effort from Busey. This continued for the remainder of the challenge. Busey continually played the fool, hiding his genius behind the veil of an ineffectual moron, which caused the rest of the team to rise up to the occasion. The man’s a tactical genius.

With his plan in motion, GB was able to relax and work on some of his patented Busey-isms, in which he uses a word as an acronym for its own definition. For example…

This did little to placate the concerns of his team, who still failed to see the forest through the trees. Even after the event went exactly according to Gary’s plan, their negative energy spilled out into the boardroom. The ungrateful swine had no faith, and began piling Gary for being a bad leader just because he had no idea of what he was doing and the project lacked focus. Little did they know, Gary had two aces up his sleeve. First of all, the women were lead by Niki Taylor, who doesn’t even know what century it is (no, really). Second, once the heat was on Gary, he was able to drop a medical bombshell! As it turns out, he’s been legally deaf for years. In his own words, this came about from “the rock ‘n roll…and the brain surgery.” But thanks to some new hearing aids, Gary’s regained his hearing and can hear his “toenails growing.” Does that sound like the man who Donald Trump is going to send home? Not bloody likely! The men won, and Busey lived to fight another day.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/busey-watch-celebrity-apprentice-thats-from-rock-and-roll-and-the-brain-surgery/feed/0busey_clapping9 Celebrities Who Deserve Their Own Roasthttp://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/9-celebrities-who-deserve-their-own-roast/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/9-celebrities-who-deserve-their-own-roast/#commentsThu, 17 Mar 2011 21:07:14 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=202217So as long as they're roasting anyone, friend or foe, here are nine celebrities that deserve to be roasted.

Traditionally, at least at the Friars’ Club Roasts, the motto has always been “We only roast the ones we love,” meaning that while the jokes could often be harsh, at the end of the day, the roastee knew he was among friends. But since Comedy Central branched off to do their own roasts in 2003, the idea of only roasting a friend seems to have fallen by the wayside. Nowhere is this more apparent than with the latest victim, Donald Trump. Does anyone really believe that most of that crowd had respect for “The Donald?” Even roast regular, Lisa Lampanelli, admitted, “I broke the (roast) rule because the money’s really good.”

So as long as we’re open to roasting anyone, friend or foe, here are nine celebrities that deserve to be roasted.

Jay Leno

No matter what you personally think of Leno’s comedy, it’s no secret that he isn’t well respected by many of his fellow comedians. Imagine letting them all loose on him at the same time. Recently, he was semi-roasted at Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Awards, so maybe, he’d be up for it. If so, hopefully the ghosts of Johnny Carson and Bill Hicks will be able to make an appearance.

Roger Ebert

I like Rogert Ebert, but there’s no getting around the fact that he has made a career off of ripping apart people’s films. Imagine a room full of jilted actors and directors waiting to take their revenge. The fact that Ebert no longer has a lower jaw would certainly add an uncomfortable element. These roasts are known for their harshness, but it would take some pretty big balls to make fun of a man who is missing half his face.

Oprah

Speaking of Ebert, let’s move on to his former girlfriend, Oprah. Well, girlfriend is a little strong, since they only went on a few dates. But at any rate, when it comes to egos, they don’t get much bigger than Oprah’s. And when it comes to targets, they don’t get much bigger than Oprah. No, that wasn’t a weight joke, although I’m sure there would be plenty of those, not to mention jokes about Stedman, rumored lesbianism, the throngs of stupid housewives who worship her, etc.

George Lucas

George Lucas lives in a bubble. Sure, it has a fancy name (Skywalker Ranch), but it’s a fantasy world in which he is king, and every idea he has is pure gold. As such, he’s blissfully unaware that his last three movies were horseshit. With the money they brought it, I can’t say that I blame him being delusional. Even so, imagine how much fun it would be to get a group of angry fan boys together for a Lucas roast. I’m sure Jake Lloyd and the guy who voiced Jar Jar might want to vent, as well.

Sean Penn

Maybe I’m wrong, but Sean Penn often comes across as a self-important asshole. When he was spoofed in the film, Team America: World Police, he wrote an angry letter in response rather than laughing it off or simply ignoring it. That’s why I’d love to see him in a roast. It’s always funnier when the targets take themselves seriously. Besides, it would take some real balls to get up on stage and mock Penn to his face, because there’s a very real possibility he would snap and beat the shit out of you.

Mel Gibson

In Hollywood, there’s probably no one more hated than Mel Gibson. That alone makes him the perfect target for a roast. Every Jewish comedian in the industry would be lining up to take shots at him, and given what we know about Mel, his rebuttal would probably be pretty colorful (i.e. offensive and insane).

Harvey Weinstein

As a producer, Harvey Weinstein has made some big films. He’s also made some big enemies. After all, to paraphrase”The Simpsons,” you don’t become a millionaire by writing a lot of checks. It’s a producers job to screw people out of money, but when you’ve got a commie like Michael Moore taking you to court over millions of dollars, chances are you’re taking it too far. A roast where the entertainment industry was allowed to vent would be highly entertaining.

Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons has been the butt of jokes for years, especially when appearing on David Letterman. But “The Late Show” looks like an episode of “Veggie Tales” when compared to a Comedy Central roast. Odds are 2:1 that Simmons would end up crying. I’d watch that.

Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks is widely considered the nicest guy in Hollywood. That’s why it would be so funny to see Jeff Ross and Lisa Lampanelli taking the piss out of him. And it would be just as funny to see Tom Hanks making jokes about Lisa Lampanelli’s giant vagina.

It’s week two of Gary Busey’s stint on “Celebrity Apprentice,” and America’s favorite brain-damaged thespian did not disappoint. Actually, he did. Although to be fair, it wasn’t all his fault. How can he be expected to compete with a nasty old bag like Dionne Warwick, or the always loathsome Star Jones? It takes a lot for me to feel bad for Lisa Rinna, but last night, it happened.

Rinna was ultimately sent home for failing to lead the women’s group (ASAPP) in a competition to create a children’s book followed by a theatrical performance. And while I’ll admit she did a bad job, imagine trying to work with Star Jones under any circumstances. Jones was fired from “The View,” a show that is solely populated by difficult, ignorant women. If you’re too stupid and, or troublesome to sit on a panel with Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you clearly don’t work well with others.

Which brings us to Dionne Warwick. I could have gone my entire life without hating this dinosaur, but thanks to reality television, I’m forced to add her to the ever expanding list of celebrities I’d like to run over with a combine. Last week, it was kind of funny to watch the old hag try to work a cash register. It’s a lot less funny to watch her fight with a deaf woman over petty bullshit. I say a little prayer…that she gets kicked in the teeth by a horse.

Speaking of horse teeth, back to Busey. The men’s team (Backbone) won, so there was no danger of going home. It also meant there was relatively little drama. Despite repeatedly teasing the audience with clips of an epic Meatloaf/Busey showdown, the episode failed to produce. However, it did plant the seeds of the upcoming conflict.

After Gary and Jose Canseco were lead on a wild goose chase by Meatloaf, the pair finally returned home. When Busey tried to vent to one of Donald’s sons, Meatloaf put his foot down, asking him to focus on the task at hand and head for the costume shop. A reasonable person would have understood that Meatloaf was just trying to move things long, and not take it personally. But as you and I both know, nobody tells Gary Busey what to do. Gary didn’t take to kindly to Meatloaf’s demands. He also wasn’t too happy when the Meat Man singled him out to Trump as the most difficult team member, although in all fairness, Loaf wasn’t really criticizing Busey so much as pointing out that he’s totally insane. I’m not sure if Gary understood this or not, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Meatloaf wakes up in the woods and finds himself the victim of a deadly game of cat and mouse.

By far, the most entertaining portion of the show was watch Busey shine while doing what he does best: acting like a six-year-old-boy. He owned the role, and it was easy to see why he was once nominated for an Academy Award. Watching his performance brought a tear to my eye. It also brought tears to Meatloaf’s eyes. It was a little uncomfortable to watch a grown man cry. I’ll feel much better watching him in a fit of rage when he goes head to head with Gary Busey (hopefully next week).