"It's just another New Year's Eve, Another night like all the rest. It's just another New Year's Eve, Let's make it the best. It's just another New Year's Eve, It's just another Auld Lang Syne, But when we're through this New Year You'll see, will be Just fine."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

this week I have been here with my Mom was very much like an emotional (and physical) roller coaster... not just for her (going trough it all) but for me and her husband.... she had so many episodes of ups and downs.... no sleeping but just writhing in pain.... moments when she just wants to give up.... and luckily, at times, just moments when she can just sit still for an hour, look out the window, watch the children play outside and just reminisce with me about her life, our (her children) lives when we were still with her.... Memories of our grandparents (her parents) when I was just a little kid.... as well as our Dad, who left us when I was barely two.... whom I did not see again till I was about 12.... Her stories were full of love, happiness - even in the last stages of their marriage - and, of course, like most stories go - suffering and longing.... Most of the sufferings were from the hands of my first stepfather - who was a bit vicious and abusive... but those memories I have long forgotten and got over with..... I was just glad our Dad did not fully abandoned us and brought us to the US.....

She did mention to me all the pain & sorrow she went through from the time our Dad contacted her about bringing us to the US.... going to the Embassy and signing the papers to give our Dad full custody of us.... seeing us off and not seeing us for a looong time after..... all I could IMAGINE is how hard must it be to sign papers giving up your children for good - no matter how one knows it is for the good of the children's future - it still must be quite heartbreaking and such a very hard decision to make.... one she did wholeheartedly for us.... and one that we did not even think of, and some of us still do not think of.....

Then I told her stories of our lives in the US.... with my Dad.... with school... and my older sister and brother - when we were all still close... so much moments, fun, stupid, crazy times - trying to manage our lives in the US - with a Dad that was hardly there.... leaving us with a different stepmother every now and again.... and of course, coming of age and striking out on our own.... my first job, etc... etc.... Just stories of all the times we spent away from her.... Mostly the POSITIVE parts so as to not get her sad....

This we did night after night when it is just the two of us left - wide awake in the wee hours of the night till dawn breaks - as her sleeping clock is sooooo off.... As much as it was great to hear these stories - it still and to this very end - breaks my heart each and every nite.... all the longing.... she still longs... long for the children who are away working..... long for the ones around but does not come around.... and long for one who cannot find it in his heart to even call her - knowing the state of her condition....

Anyway, we still had a Merry Little Xmas - just the three of us : Me, My Stepfather and my Mom.... My stepfather cooked Pinoy style Spaghetti and made Buko Fruit Salad.... I got a cake from the bakery... and some neighbours gave us other stuff... shared their blessings with my Mom - who is well liked in the area.... we waited till 12 midnite and welcomed and celebrated the birth of Baby Jesus..... gave them their presents - which delighted them both - no matter how small it is.... ate as we listened to XMas music..... and chatted as we cleaned up....

Around 2 am, as my stepfather sleeps - my Mom and I were left alone once more... she spoke of happiness that at least one of her children was with her on this day... so she did not feel so abandoned and alone..... she was happy... but something triggered in her and she started crying again.... talking of giving up as she did not want to be a burden anymore and see us suffer through her suffering.... As much as i have been strong in front of her the last few days - this time around, tears came - run in front of her, as I tell her she must not give up for us..... she should want to live longer for us and share more memories... and just let things take their natural course.... let it happen when it is time..... we were like this till the brek of dawn..... and she finally fell asleep a little after 5 AM.... and I sat by her, thinking... caressing her head.... holding her hand and crying till my stepfather got up and it as my turn to sleep.... Sweet & Sad XMas but I would not TRADE it for anything in the world.....

I will FOREVER be HAPPY and THANKFUL for making it through another XMAS with my Mom.... and can only Pray & Hope for one more..... a long shot but definitely worth praying for....

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Almost time for the 8PM Mas at Antipolo Church... Am waitting outside the cathedral waiting for it tow commence... Been doing this the last few nights... Simbang Gabi (Night Mass) as it is called is quite big here.. A family tradition for years - families, lovers, friends attends together to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ...

Sadly, i have been coming alone... My Mom is just much too weak to even ride anything to come here... And my stepfather has to stay and watch over her.. But each night, my Mom makes sure that i eat early, get dressed to attend on my own... Something I do willingly... Not only because i love churches, the music, and the lights but because my Mom believes it helps her feel better, get through, another night...

So as sad as it is for me, at this time, to see families attending together - I get by as thoughts of Mom gives me reason enough to muster the strength to be here alone in the midst of all these happy people, and give thanks and pray.... And wish that it really does help, especially since last nite was another tough one....

Thursday, December 22, 2011

3AM: Wide awake once more.. Caressing my Mom's head as she falls in and out of sleep...
She fell asleep on the new sleeper about9:30pm , I stayed with her till 11pm and since she did not wake, I went to sleep..

Woke up at midnite as I hear her calling out my name... she was, is, in so much pain... And we could not give her another pain medicine as she just took one before sleeping...
So I sit with her, tell her stories, caress her head, make her laugh - all in hopes that she can forget the pain and rest comfortably...

Now she is asleep again, but she wakes and cries out now and again... am letting her hubby sleep so he can get a bit of rest, too..
4AM: my Stepfather is finally awake... Now it is my turn to sleep for a few hours...

Saturday, December 17, 2011

At the Taoyuan International Airport now... Got here in plenty of time... Too much anxiety so I just wanted to get here... Sit in quietness and refresh the mind for when I see Mom... Thanks to Jewel, Lyn, Shaun and David for taking me out for a little bit - dinner and a stroll at Warner/Mitsukoshi area...

Taking in the lights, the live entertaients and enjoying the night air... Though it was all fun and exciting, it was still quite hard to keep smiling when my heart and my thoughts are already in Manila... In wanting to see Mom and see what I can do for her now... Just to somehow alleviate her of pain.. Even just a bit...
As happy as I am to be getting to her soon - am also Sad and Scared as to what is to come...

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This afternoon when i was talking to my Mom, in her mumbly voice, i could make her out saying: " it's Christmas time, but I do not feel it.". I guess, even without me telling her so, we share the same sentiments...
Check in counter opening soon... Am in live with sp many others - i ca see all their excitement and happiness as they will be with love ones soon to celebrate this festive season... Am smiling but I can only wish I share their sentiments...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Been FREEZING COLD the last few days here in Taipei..... rainy, gloomy, wet.... pretty much the same each year I suppose - but somehow, this year, it feels even colder, even gloomier, and looks even wetter everywhere I look.... maybe part of it is the fact that I find myself in tears, now and again, each and everyday.... At times, it feels as if soooo much is bottled up inside - trying soooo hard to get out....

Anyway, each and everyday, I just try my best to stay focus.... keep busy.... and do just about anything to keep my mind occupied in between the waiting... waiting for the day of my flight - which is coming up FINALLY..... and now I feel even more ANXIETIES.... so much BITTERSWEETNESS ... as much as am HAPPY I will finally get to see Mom and spend the time with her - fulfill my PROMISE of being there for XMas - am soooo scared and sad as to what is waiting - what is to be..... The last few days, each and everytime I call her, we go through so much emotions.... she cries and cries... in pain both physically and emotionally.... all I can do is pretend to be strong and calm her down, as tears flows....

So am scared of what is to be... scared of all the decisions I might have to face..... and all happening at what is my MOST FAVE TIME OF THE YEAR - ever since childhood.... as far as I can remember.... Christmas has always been a time of Joy & Good Cheer... no matter where I may be... no matter with someone, with family, with friends, or even alone.... I still REJOICE when this time comes - as it ALWAYS seem to hold so much promise, so much love, so much miracle... and not just for me but for all....

So here it is once more... only this time, I have yet to really feel the spirits of XMas.... as much as I have been admiring all the festivities I see and hear - Xmas Carols & Decorations - I have yet to get that feeling I often get as the days get closer to XMas... I can only HOPE and PRAY that it will all change as soon as I see Mom... it has to - at least this is what she needs to see from me - as she too, knows how I Love this time of the year....

A BIIIG THANK YOU to my friend, Danny for sending out the YUMMYLISCIOUS, Home Baked, Freshly Made Cookies all the way from Bangkok.... it warmed not just the TUMMY but the Heart, as well...as you can see, Jewel and I enjoyed them right away!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Last nite on the way to Roahe Market and WuFanFu for a bit of XMas shopping, we happen upon a Camel.... yes, you read that right, a CAMEL - not in the ZOO mind you, not even a traveling circus but just right in the middle of Taipei City!!!

The camel, along with a few other animals was brought out by a local Charity group to entertain and liven up their festivities for the nite... they were sponsoring an XMas gathering and feeding the homeless and the needy, and just about anyone else who care to join in on the festivities.... the people behind it were dressed in olden garbs... same as what Mary & Joseph used to wear - and the added a few animals around to give a bit more old time feel to it all...

I was soooo AMAZED and taken aback... Jewel on the other hand was a bit scared and would not pet/touch the camel.... still could not pass up the opportunity - still got a snap with us and the camel... :) one to remember for years to come - am sure!!!

Just happened upon it while BLOG surfing to find out more INFO on the Be@rbricks I do have - and I was HYPNOTIZED!!!! Not quite sure what the particulars are though, as the BLOG did not say much.... so any INFO would be appreciated guys.... and of course, any lead as to how I can add this to my collection would be GREAT!!!

Just another one added to my ever-growing list of Holy Grail Be@rbricks!!! Speaking of which - here's a few others:

400% PORTER

Barney's Japan 2011

Anna Sui 2008

SILAS 2011

...and am sure you can pretty much name all of these below just from their

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Tokidoki Fans are in for a treat for the Holidays!!! New tokidoki charms are being offered as a Special Premium Toys Offering by the 7-11 Shops in Hong Kong.... Just like the ones in Taiwan - one will be able to avail them by collecting stickers one gets when they buy from their local 7-11 Convenience Store shops....

From what I can make out, as I really cannot read Chinese (LOL!) - there will be two sets available... one collection debuted on the 7th of this month (December 2011) and another will make their appearance starting the 11th of January, 2012.... A total of 22 Hello Kitty x tokidoki keychain figures fans in Hong Kong will be able to collect…

All of this is quite EXCITING for me... so many FUN pieces..... but ALAS, they will just be added to my tokidoki Holy Grails wishlist - as so far, no one in Hong Kong I know, has offered to help me acquire them..... *SIGH*

...not much to report right now.... which could be good, right? sometimes no new news is Good News - especially of late.... anyway, just wanted to POST a few RANDOM SHOTS.... how I have been keeping myself sane lately, in between WORK, FRUSTRATIONS, STRESS & the RAIN.... well, as sane as I could be....

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Sunday, the 4th

IKEA FUN with Juju

Tuesday, the 6th

TGI Friday Lunch with Juliana

Wednesday, the 7th

Took In The Newest MOCA Exhibit

"2013" by Second Soul

Thursday, the 8th

Evening stroll to see some XMas decor and lights

Warner/Mitsukoshi Area

Even Taipei 101 is not lit up like a Christmas Tree - in Green with Red Highlights...

FESTIVELY SPLENDID!!

It is now Friday, the rain has come again.... Cold out there, and even colder inside...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Since Mom was rushed back to the Hospital for a second time this month, it has been somewhat HELLISH for me the last few days..... not thinking too clearly, not being able to focus, and worse of all, not sleeping well.... somehow I just keep feeling something is amiss... of course, most of it is due to the fact that all mu thoughts are with my Mom and what she is going through right now....

She suffered a mild stroke... incapable again of even getting up from her bad without help from anyone... and for that matter, it is just her husband - my stepfather - who is with her... and at times, the kind neighbours, helping to put her to sleep or just to watch her for a bit to relieve my stepfather.... He is really having a hard time of it all right now, and I can only IMAGINE the thoughts going through his mind - as to see your partner of so many years, the mother of your child deteriorate each and everyday..... For all his suffering and kindness to my Mom - I Thank Him! Though we never really had any kind of a relationship, nor did I really ever get to know him, I Thank and Appreciate all that he is doing for my Mom - and all of it for Love.... this gives me even more Comfort and Hope.... More than I can say for some other family that should be there - even just emotionally.... but I will refrain now from saying anything about them.... must keep thinking of the Positive parts of what is going on now....

Last night was another looong nite for me.... I was even on the phone with them well past 1AM... my Mom was just in such pain that she could not even put herself to sleep.... I am soooo scared that the time has come:

- when all the drugs are no longer helping..

-when there is no other thing that can help but to confine my Mom to the Hospital and get her hooked up on morphine or whatever else they need to do - so as she does not feel too much pain... but thus leaving her incoherent and lost in her own world for most of the time...

I know this is eventually to come.... I have been told by the doctors.... I was always told to be prepared, and I try, but I am not.... I still want to hang on to Hopes that this is just due to the stroke she suffered a few days ago... and that the Breast Cancer Meds will still get through her all of these and she will somewhat bounce back once more.... so we monitor her condition.... have told my Stepfather what doctor has said... up her pain killers and see if that helps the next few days... if not, then we take her to the hospital....

Another reason why I am soooo adamant about this move, is that, this is the one thing my Mom have told us she did not want.... she has said that if the time comes - just let it be.... she does not want her life prolonged in the hospital but becoming a vegetable in the process... to her, that is NOT LIVING..... which is what I believe, as well... and a wish of hers, I want to RESPECT....

But it sure is getting harder.... hearing her cry and mumble the pain she is feeling on the phone with me leaves me helpless and torn.... I do not want her to suffer from so much pain.... I do not want her to go through so much of these without me by her side.... If I could, I would just fly back now and just be with her - but with so much more to be done, i cannot do so till sometime next week.... actually I have a Ticket already for the 18th, to spend XMas with her - as promised - but now am TORN if I should get there sooner.... it would certainly DEVASTATE me if anything happens to her and am not around.... I take comfort with my friends, Juliana & Lyn's words: that "my Mom will be there waiting for me - no matter what...."

So now, I try to finish all that I need to... just sad that things seems to not be going my way as another delivery that was supposed to come to me here - ended up in America - so now I wait longer for them to arrive.... why, oh why now even this mix up has to happen.... In between work, I run to wear myself out.... I listen to music to cheer me up.... I organize this and that to take my mind off things - even for a bit.... and I Hope & Pray...

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Hope and optimism have always defined me as a person, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about life, and everything else in between, even when all seems lost. Life itseld has been a great source of inspiration for me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Most of you who knows me well, knows well enough that XMas is still my most FAVE Holiday... ever since childhood it has been.... I love everything about it... from picking out the perfect tree for the year.... decorating it.... watching the lights glow as I admire the finished, fully decorated tree... presents shopping..... getting dress to visit family and friends to hang out, feast and just feel the love..... EGG NOG, PUMPKIN COOKIES, and yes, even the FRUIT CAKE!!! LOL....

This time around, with the way things are going with my Mom's Health, it has been so hard for me to get into the Spirits of XMas..... less than 20 days away and I have not really put that much thought about it.... all I could think of is getting to Manila and spending XMas with my Mom, as I promised her.... and with the two recent run back to the Hospital for her, more recent one for what seems to be a mild stroke, a couple of days ago - am really more anxious to get to her.....

Right now, I am just trying to keep myself busy with work and projects..... taking care of jewel and roaming the city, come rain or shine, just to keep my mind clear and alo tire myself out, so as to be able to sleep - been restless the last couple of nights....

and with hopes to get more into the SPIRIT of things, I even tried to put something up to remind me more of XMAS.... played with photographing some FAVE things in XMAS themes....

and even went XMas card shopping.... now if I can only MUSTER some ENERGY (Mentally and Emotionally) to make them out in time for XMAS..... we'll see.....

Monday, December 5, 2011

Woke up this morning with a really strangely off feeling, as if something is not right.... chuck it all of to the fact that it is Monday and yes, Raining once again.... i said to myself, "Yeah, That's it,,, so SNAP out of it, get you ASS out of bed and get cracking with work.... this in turn will make you SNAP out of this strange feeling you are having....."

So like with all my mornings, I get our of bed; make the bed; wash face/brush teeth/morning pee pee; then I turn on the computer while making coffee.... and enjoy the fresh cup(s) of coffee as I answer emails; check on things; and check in with FB....

All was going well, nothing bad... nothing unusual.... then suddenly, at half past 10AM - I get a PM from my cousin: "rudi plss call bout mommy emergency!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Right away I was in a frenzy, trying to call long distance to Manila but was having a terrible time and could not connect.... maybe the rain, maybe the International Calling Service... whatever... it took me another 20 mins before I could connect.... Spoke with my Mom's husband - sadly, most of the time I also cannot make out what he is saying.... and when he is frazzled like this, even worse.... the jist of it was that my Mom just suddenly fell, left side paralyzed, and mumbles when she is trying to talk.... a Stroke is the first thing that came to mind.... So I asked what is going on at that time, to which he replied: "Am waiting for you or Cholo (my half brother) to call as I need to take her to the Hospital but I have no money..." Right away, I was burning - could feel myself turning red with frustrations.... I mean, I would have taken her to the Hospital first then worry about the $$$.... I calmly (as calm as I could) told him: "Pls take her to the Hospital now.... and see have her look over... and I will deal with the money issues after.... " This seemed to work and he was a bit at eased...called for a cab to take them to the hospital....

An hour ago I checked and my Mom was already put to sleep... more new meds needed.... change of meds for one thing or another.... my Stepfather is still unclear - so I need to wait till the Doctor is around - so I can understand more.....

Am soooooooo frustrated..... with the situation... I mean I cannot blame my stepfather for having apprehensions regarding money matters... that is just the way things are..... I am more frustrated that being here in Taiwan, I could not do more for my Mom.... and that really besides my Stepfather, there is no one else taking care of my Mom.... Can only be glad that my cousin is close enough, can be reached by them all the time to get word out to me.... as is the case this morning.....

Most of all, am frustrated and saddened with the turn of events.... I feel my Mom is going through enough with having to deal with Breast Cancer - she need not be paralyzed as well.... I am soooo afraid as to how she will be affected by these new events.... I am soooo afraid of how how all these will affect her physically......

So now I wait a bit longer to hear what the Doctor has to say.... run a few work errands in the rain - which made me frustrated even more...... how can I concentrate and focus when I have too much anxieties running through my brains..... right now, all I could do is try to write my feelings down here - just to get some of these anxieties out of my system.....

Waiting, like Rainy Days and Mondays - at times - really gets to me.... :(

Sunday, December 4, 2011

In all the brochures I have read - it states that Okinawa prides itself as an "Eternal Sunshine City".... well, I must have brought the rain with me as, since arriving, it has been a bit on the cloudy side... drizzling on the second day and the third day was full on rain... BOO HOO!!! Still it did not deter us from going around and enjoying the day..... started off by buying the 1 day pass... for 680yen, one can really go from one end of Okinawa to the other - VIA MONORAIL..... not bad considering it almost costed us that much to take the Monorail from the Airport to the city.... well, we did not know then... hahahahahahaha...

First (QUICK) stop, after breakfast, was the Duty Free Shop.... mainly just to admire their building, and the window displays.... and it did not fail to IMPRESS..... it was quite nice.... lots of people/tours from China - so am sure they make the big bucks.....

And with the rain letting up a bit, we decided ti was time to head onto Shuri Area and check out the highly recommended Shuri Castle... As they say, you cannot come to Okinawa without visiting this Castle where centuries and centuries ago - envoys from all over Europe and Asian Kingdoms have visited to pay tribute and have a big-to-do ceremony with the current Emperor.

The grounds are kept well.... and sadly, but in a good way, the actual parts of the Castles are none original.... most have been rebuilt, refurbished, recreated for today's revelers.... and we are told right down to the exact detailing, accents and colors. Walking through it all, one cannot help but be AMAZED and even, FANTASIZE and WONDER what it would be like to live in such SPLENDOUR! Aaaaaaaaah.... maybe in another lifetime..... :)

After the Castle, we walked a bit more around the grounds... checked out other parts of the City of Shuri, then headed on to another destination: the Seaside.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

One of the things I always look forward to during the Holiday Season is to see how FESTIVE the windows at my FAVE HAUNTS will look..... Though in alot of places (USA & Philippines included), XMas displays go up quite early - right along Halloween nowadays, in Taiwan it is quite keeping with the right timing... as in right now....

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About Me

"Most people know that I love the simple things in life.... traveling is my one TRUE Passion.... I love to dance and to keep fit, RUNNING is my exercise of choice -- though with the TAIWAN heat, am inclined to go for a swim more..."