In life, we often think when something isn’t working, we should be trying harder. But it could be the case that we should be doing things differently.

I rediscovered the above statement, ‘Don’t Try Harder, Try Different’, when reading a book by Katherine Gray, The Unexpected Joys of Being Sober. I say rediscovered because I have seen the saying before, but somehow it resonated with me more now than ever.

I gave up alcohol six years ago. I have never looked back. I’m still loving the way sober life makes me feel. However, as ok as I am with being booze-free, I find that other people seem to have difficulty accepting my lifestyle choice. Many feel uncomfortable being around a teetotaller, especially one who was once a ‘proper drinker.’ Because of this, I find it interesting to learn what brought others into sobriety, how it impacts their life and the people in it.

In her book, Kathrine not only talks about her battle with booze, and how it affected her friends when she gave up, she also discusses how it is known, that when giving up alcohol, not every approach works for everyone. One person may benefit from going to AA meetings, another will find it sets them back, one person may be able to continue socializing very soon after quitting the booze, another person may need to avoid all places that serve alcohol for months or even years. It is about finding an approach that works for the individual. Which I totally agree with, for all areas of life.

However, if you’re anything like me, you may find when something isn’t working or not giving the desired results, the inner-critic emerges. It tells you that you’re not working hard enough and need to put in more effort. But it’s often the case that when something doesn’t work, it’s not always because we are doing it wrong or being lazy, it could be that we are not doing what is right for us. We are following a recipe that was for someone else’s success.

An example of where this happened for me is in yoga. I’ve done yoga for over twenty years. I started practising to a) find inner-calm and balance and b) to help ease my ‘hairdressers back’ (after years of doing 12-hour standing days, in heels, it took its toll on my lower-back). The promised inner-calm came quickly. In fact, after one session I could feel a shift in how I felt, but my back problem didn’t go away.

Although I gained incredible benefits from yoga, over the years of trying and ‘working harder’ at yoga poses (even qualifying as a yoga teacher) my back problem did not get resolved. Many good teachers demonstrated poses that worked for their back problems or their students. I tried them. They didn’t work. I told myself it was because I wasn’t working hard enough or getting deeper into the poses. I thought I wasn’t being accurate in my positioning or that I needed to spend more time practising. My ego mind also got involved; telling me I needed to be more bendy and work to be like all the other yogis who could tie themselves into effortless knots. It took me many years to learn that I had to do asanas differently. If something isn’t right for my body, and its imbalances, it doesn’t matter how much I work to perfect a pose, I would never get the benefit.

It is understandable why we tell ourselves we need to work harder. We are led to believe the only way to succeed at anything is through graft. And yes, hard work pays off, but only when we are doing what is right for us.

Now, I am not encouraging anyone to give up on their dreams because they are not happening quickly enough. Good things don’t always come easily. Some things take many years to manifest and the journey can be very enjoyable. But if it’s not working, a new approach may be needed.

We live in a ‘one-sized-fits-all world’. We are sold the ideas of miracle cures or easy ways of making money. ‘This worked for thousands of people, so it will work for you.’ But we are all different…

I have noted many times, in my writings, that what works for one will not always work for another. I learnt that through trial and error, and I am still learning it.

My ‘well-programmed’ brain does not always want to hear that I have to do things differently in order to succeed. To reap the benefit of some yoga poses, I might have to bend my legs where others need to keep their legs straight, when doing high-energy exercise, I might be better doing a hill-walk instead of a run, I might be better expressing myself on paper, whereas another is better doing it verbally…

The brain likes to keep us safe. It thinks that by following the crowd it’s the safest route. It likes us to follow the rules laid out for everyone else because there’s less chance of danger and we’re not as vulnerable. And for some people, this works. Some are very happy and successful by following the well-walked path. But if you’re not getting the desired results, and it doesn’t feel ‘right,’ maybe it’s time for a new plan?

It takes courage to move away from the herd. It takes bravery to step out of our comfort zone and do it differently. But trying different instead of harder could be the exact thing we need to see big changes happen.

It can apply to all areas of life too: diet, exercise, people, work, business, family life, etc. When one way isn’t working, there will always be another way to do it.

A good way to uncover ‘new ways’, other than the usual internet searches, is by tuning into inner-guidance. Spending quiet time listening to our intuitive mind, instead of the rational mind, can be incredibly revealing (see this post on how to question yourself).

Whilst we continuously do what is not a fit for us, we give our power away. So, when something isn’t working, instead of trying harder why not try different?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about addictions. We were discussing the fact there are so many addictions that we are not aware of, or how they impact our lives.

When we think of addictions, we often just think about the ones related to drugs or alcohol, but there are countless more.

We get addicted to wheat, sugar, certain chemicals in foods, caffeine, sports, social media… But the addictions that are quietly destructive to our health and happiness are our addictions to negativity.

The media knows that people have a natural draw towards negativity, because of our negativity bias. They play on this, to keep us coming back to their sites.

I often write about the importance of Empaths avoiding media outlets because of the strife it stirs up, and because it creates negative emotions.

Negative emotions give the body a rush of hormones that become addictive. That’s why so many people become hooked on having traumas and problems in their lives. These traumas fuel the brain with a hit of some of its favourite drugs: the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline.

We read a lot about becoming addicted to dopamine, but we don’t see much about addictions to the stress hormones. But they are equally as damaging.

When the brain or body is addicted to certain stress hormones, it is much harder to recognize than with other addictions. But if not addressed, this dependence becomes the pathway to an unhappy life.

Although I have known many who have a penchant for negativity, there was one particular person I knew, who was heavily addicted (and probably still is). I will call her Shirley.

Shirley would create reasons to be angry and dissatisfied with her life, including anyone in it. She had a very one-tracked mind and would not allow herself to see anything but negativity in a situation. She pushed many people away because of her dark ramblings. Not intentionally though. Anyone who spent time with her, found themselves being dragged into wrathful discussions which would leave them feeling flat and depressed.

She blamed everyone else for her life not being the way she wanted. Shirley expected others to change for her, but not to make any changes for herself. Because she secretly thrived on negativity, she continued to draw into her life more reasons to be negative (law of attraction).

Shirley allowed negativity to make her bitter and vengeful. But that wasn’t who she was deep down. She had a kind side that got squeezed out by the darkness she allowed to grow within.

Her desire for drama was fuelled by her body/brain’s need for stress hormones. Her negativity addiction did so much damage to her life. She refused to address it or see it as being problematic, because she secretly thrived on it. Negativity became her purpose. It was an addiction that she became afraid to live without.

I’m sure every one of you reading this has come across a ‘Shirley’ in your life.

I’m not for a moment suggesting that an Empath is destined to become like Shirley. I wanted to show an extreme example of negativity addiction. However, Empaths are at risk of becoming hooked on the stress hormones stirred up by negativity.

The reason you may not consciously be aware that you are addicted to stress hormones, is because they are activated without you necessarily taking part. And what I mean by this is, the brain will be doing the work.

Once addicted, your brain will work to activate your body into releasing stress hormones by drawing your attention to anything that it knows will make you react.

Picking up and feeling other people’s stress or emotions is also a way your hormones can be triggered. Another is having had experienced trauma in childhood (the memories continue to activate stress hormones throughout life).

A negativity addiction can be at work without you even leaving your home or coming into contact with others. When not around people, stress hormones are activated mostly through the thought process.

After giving up many addictive things, I know exactly how tricky addictions are, especially with the brain. It is not until we give something up for a period of time that we see just how our choices and thoughts were governed by addiction.

With any addiction, we have to see it for ourselves.

If you suspect you have an addiction to negativity, and are therefore drawing more negativity into your life (like attracts like), you have to stay vigilant of knowing when your hormones are being spiked. You normally recognise this by the discomfort around the gut or chest area. It may feel like a burning sensation or a sense of dread.

As soon as you feel this, act immediately with a distraction so that your thoughts don’t get involved. Thoughts feed emotions. Emotions feed thoughts. Emotions are fuel for your stress hormones. You have a seventeen second window before thoughts take over and you become hostage within your own head. This post may help with distraction.

So, yes, Empaths are prone to having negativity addictions and this is because we tend to feel everything so powerfully. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Often when we become aware of a problem within, it is half way to overcoming it.

Most Empaths know when they are experiencing stress, but they may have no idea how much of this stress is held within their muscles, which can cause problems…

Our muscles are constantly stimulated through the stresses of modern life, and are often in a near constant state of contraction. Because of this, even in sleep, the muscles don’t fully relax… Which, as you can probably imagine, is not good for Empath stress or overwhelm!

Even when we think we are relaxing, we often aren’t. The TV programs we watch in the evening can have the effect of firing up the mind, which stimulates the muscles, further tensing them, and even reading certain books can put the nerves (and muscles) on edge.

That’s not to mention how the pained emotions, either your own or those you pick up throughout the day from others, are stored within the muscles.

Stressed Muscles Leads to a Stressed Empath Mind!

Whilst reading this you will be holding tension somewhere in your body. Your forehead might be rouched, your eyes might be squinting, your shoulders might be hunched or your wrists extended back, your legs, hips or back might be in an awkward position, all creating pressure in your muscles and joints.

We could go through the entire body, but I think it’s safe to say you are holding muscle tension somewhere.

So Why is This Such a Bad Thing?

When your muscles are constantly contracted, they are fuelling the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight). Not only is this depleting the body of vital energy, that most can ill-afford to lose, but it is also prematurely ageing, it raises blood pressure, lowers the immune system and unnecessarily heightens Empath stress.

What To Do About It

By training the muscles to soften and loosen, through relaxation, it switches on the parasympathetic nervous system. This in turn, slows the breathing, lowers blood pressure, initiates deep relaxation of body and mind, and allows healing to occur.

One of the best and easiest ways to get a muscle to relax is to tense it first.

If you’ve ever been in a yoga class and the teacher asked you to tense all the muscles in your body before relaxation, it was to aid in releasing any held tension and to allow you to relax more deeply. Here are just some of the benefits:

Relaxation Benefits

Reduces fatigue

Anti-ageing

Lowers blood pressure

Boosts the immune system

Induces restful sleep

Allows for muscle regeneration

Switches on the parasympathetic nervous system

Promotes mind stillness

Aides in general well-being.

It is said that the relaxation, at the end of a yoga class, is the most beneficial part of the practice. Not only is it time for the body to rest, but it’s the time the benefits of yoga practise are fully integrated.

Relaxation can be done at anytime of day but it is great to do at bedtime or after exercise.

I recently read a blog post, by Mark Sisson, regarding loneliness and how it has become near epidemic levels.

The article discussed how loneliness is perceived as a weakness and is something we don’t openly talk about in society, which is certainly true.

To admit to being lonely is often seen as too shameful. It’s as though anyone admitting to loneliness is admitting to failure in life.

People may also not want to admit to being lonely because of the worry of what others think. The fear that being lonely might show one to be unpopular, with a lack of friends, might hold some back from discussing it. Which is ridiculous when you think about it. Someone can have many friends and family members, yet still feel lonely.

Loneliness can also occur when people feel like they don’t fit into life. Feeling ‘different’ can lead to a sense of isolation.

They say that loneliness is worse for the health than smoking; which makes sense. Anything that detrimentally weakens the emotional health is damaging to the physical.

The fact that loneliness has become an epidemic, and is now so famous, should not come as a surprise. People are so self-absorbed these days. Because everyone is kept super-busy with work commitments, family life, social media or just trying to figure out existence, they don’t always have time for others.Continue reading →

I’ve always been fascinated by the many different ways of human nature. Things that set us apart or unite us. One such way being competition.

When it comes to the idea of competing, I am somewhat of a contradiction. On the one hand I think it’s healthy and on the other, it is ugly.

If there’s one thing I dislike in a person, it’s an ugly competitive streak. When someone is willing to trample all over another, just to win, this is ‘ugly competition’. It could also be seen when someone is jealous of another’s achievements, and they undermine these achievements, just to continue to feel superior.

That said, if we don’t have a level of competition, we don’t tend to push ourselves forward to become better.

Unlike me, my husband is very competitive. If the game doesn’t have a competition, there’s no element of risk and he doesn’t want to play. I used to love playing badminton. Not competitively. Just hitting the shuttlecock back and forth, over the net, without it falling to the ground. My husband also liked to play, but for him the joy was in the competition. So, playing together never really worked. He wanted to score points for fun and I wanted to have fun without the scoring.

That’s not to say he, or the many other men and women like him, have an ugly competitive streak. He’s not a sore loser and he wouldn’t manipulate another to win. If anything, he would encourage others.

I don’t think I have ever enjoyed competition. It almost seems like winning makes another into a loser.

When competing at school, in sports for example, I felt myself weaken physically. I now realize this was just another part of being an Empath. For one thing, if I won, it meant the other lost. Which felt wrong. And for another, during competitive sports, I was likely picking up on the others’ intention (wanting to beat me), and morphed my energy signature to fit with their intentional energy. (If you have experienced this you will know exactly what I mean).

When we are unaware, as Empaths, we can pick up on the intentions, opinions and judgements of others which can impact our behaviour.

I go to gym classes most days (Zumba, aerobics, etc.). When there, I never like being too close to the competitive people. They give off such strong vibes. I can feel them wanting to be better than others in the room. I don’t need to know them or have talked to them to feel this. I’m not saying this makes them bad people. I just don’t like feeling this energy when I work out.

It took me some years to understand that this was what I was feeling when in gym classes. It is often in yoga classes where I sense ‘the competitive energy’ at its worst. It’s a big reason I don’t like practising yoga around others.

Again, I understand that although I’m not partial to being in competition, it can drive people on to being the best version of themselves. But it can also do the opposite.

There is a great saying that, ‘It’s not about the winning it’s about the taking part.’ Yet some would argue that if there’s no chance of winning, what is the point of taking part? That is a mentality I don’t agree with (I told you I was a contradiction). It’s the ego talking. If you enjoy the competition, do it for yourself. But don’t not compete just because you might not win.

My opinion is that our best competition is ourself. We should always be working to become better than we were last week or last year, in all areas of life. And self-competition is something I do enjoy.

So, yes, I see competition as both healthy and unhealthy, good and bad.

It would be interesting to hear your thoughts on the subject. How does competition affect you as an Empath? Does it help you thrive? Or does it make your energy recede? Feel free to share in the comments below.

Following on from my post last week regarding the law of attraction (click here to read, otherwise this one may not make sense), I agree that negative experiences are an essential part of life and growth. I have written about this many times before in both my books and posts.

I know if I hadn’t experienced dark times, I would not have pushed myself forward to be where I am now. Many good things come out of negative situations. I am a big believer in that. Continue reading →

Today’s post is about an interesting comment I received on the last post I shared.

When I first read the following comment, my initial reaction was this was a negative response. It ruffled my feathers. I wasn’t sure what it was about. But I then realized there was a reference to the law of attraction in my last post. (Read my last post here).

Here is the comment:

Thinking negatively is absolutely essential if we are to change ourselves. Without negativity there is literally no driving force for change. Shame, depression, despair, sadness, anxiety, disillusionment, guilt, aloneness, self-doubt, self-dissatisfaction, feelings of inferiority etc. force self-aware individuals with a conscience to do better (‘the Theory of Positive Disintegration’, analogous to ‘the dark night of the soul’).

The ‘law of attraction’ – as it’s widely understood – is hogwash. Poor and sick people didn’t set out to be poor and sick people, and thinking happy-clappy thoughts won’t make their reality any nicer. Also, bad things happen to good people, and as well as that all sorts of low-life try to attack good people (where’s the ‘law of attraction’ in that?) There isn’t one genuinely spiritual person who hasn’t gone through an utterly miserable time from others.

Where the ‘law of attraction’ becomes even more pernicious is with new-age internet scammers who tell their victims that the ‘get rich quick’ schemes they bought into didn’t succeed because ‘they weren’t thinking positively enough’.

As I pondered my reply, I realized it would be a lengthy one. So, I decided it was a good opportunity to write a post about it instead, because a) I agree with the comment, and b) because I don’t agree with it and c) because I realize many Empaths may be of the same mind, (and d) because anything that ruffles my feathers is drawing my attention to something that needs addressing). Continue reading →

When sifting through some of my old posts, as I do from time to time, I came across one that caught my attention.

The post is from 2015, so some of you may remember it, but it struck me as being quite apt for what we are seeing all around us today. So, I decided I would share it again.

Here it is:

Have you found that you seem to be getting triggered in negative ways recently?

You’re not alone.

Many Empaths are experiencing this.

You will especially notice these triggers if in the past years, you have significantly raised your vibration and have done lots of work on yourself in mind, body and spirit.

You may find that for most of the time you feel happy, then you come into contact with a certain person and it puts you into a negative place, or you may see a news segment that winds you up. Your thoughts change from being happy to low vibrational.

Thinking negatively is not a fault, humans are hardwired into having more negative thoughts than positive. It’s called negativity bias and stems back to our survival instincts from caveman days. We can brood for hours on dark menacing thoughts whilst positive ones may go unnoticed.

It only takes 17 seconds for a negative thought to take hold, which could then escalate into hours or days worth of dark thinking, which affects both our emotions and our physical health.

So, the question is, why are we getting triggered so much lately and why are we noticing all this negativity?

I don’t tend to write about the ‘dark energies’ of our planet, as it is not something I wish to focus on. But we all know there are both dark and light forces at work here. I choose to believe the dark is on its way out, but it does not seem to want to leave without a fight!

It certainly appears, those of us who have worked hard to change ourselves and raise our vibration are getting distracted and pushed out of alignment. There are many ways this is happening, either through: trauma triggers, psychic attack, career problems, political issues, global affairs, etc. It really depends where your interests and thus focus lies.

If you are disconnected from online media and other media outlets, that promote highly charged negative news, another way to get you is through people. You may find people popping up in your life who act as trauma triggers or you may notice more cruel behaviour in the world around you.

Gloom Feeds Gloom

We all know that our thoughts create our reality. Through the law of attraction, we draw back to us what we focus on. When we are triggered, it can swiftly take us out of a lovely happy place and into a dark or painful place. If we stay focused on negativity too long we then attract back more.

If you find this happening to you, distract yourself the moment you realize you are pondering anything negative, or when you feel your emotions being activated. This post may help.

Remember, we only have a 17 second window to stop ourselves from being drawn into negative situations. The more creative your mind, the quicker you will find yourself being ignited by negativity.

Earlier in the week, when I was pondering the reasons behind the dark energy triggers, and why we are being purposely drawn into emotional conflict, my mind went back to something I read many years ago by Dolores Cannon, about the separating world.

Through her work as a past-life hypnotherapist, Dolores discovered that our world would split in two, becoming high and low vibrational worlds. I don’t know if this is metaphorical or physical, but if you look around, it certainly appears to be happening.

It’s as though the human race has been split. People that see the world one way and people who see it another way. And there does not seem to be any way to debate or discuss certain situations. Some people’s minds seem so closed, that it is almost as though they are living in another reality.

There is so much anger and conflict, that for the Empaths of the world it can be unbearable to live in, if we focus on it. That’s why it is so important to stay disconnected from anything or anyone who drags us into emotional conflict.

Dolores did say the eventual outcome would be wonderful. So, fingers crossed on that one. The video below explains about Dolores’ work and her findings. It is easy to understand and follow.

Sadly, Dolores Cannon passed away in 2014, but if you are interested in her work, she has left an amazing legacy and a wealth of information in books and online videos.

If you have found yourself feeling more drawn into weird conflicts recently, I hope this post lets you know you are not alone.

So, there you go. Although it is an old post it still seems relevant. Maybe what we are seeing all around us is the world splitting, and people moving into different realities.

Some time ago I came across an article that really resonated with me.In short, the article was about a woman’s realization of how she had imprisoned herself with the fear of shame and failure. The business she owned had not been making any money for a long time. It was bleeding her dry. But because she was so worried of being labelled as a failure, she continued to fight to save the company.

By holding on, however, she was getting into more debt, becoming more stressed and unhappier. Being so caught up with the idea of being ‘seen’ as unsuccessful, she did not listen to the quiet voice within, telling her it was ok to let go. Instead, she was tortured by the loud irrational voice of her ego, telling her she must continue to hold on to her business at all costs, because failure was too shameful and she needed the business to justify her place in society.

When she eventually listened to the ‘quiet voice’, and filed for bankruptcy, she felt a huge relief and an incredible sense of freedom. Finally, she saw that it was her own judgement and fear of failure that had kept her imprisoned and not the business itself.Continue reading →

As Empaths, I’m sure many of you have experienced a social hangover… I know I certainly have.

So, what exactly is a social hangover and how does it affect us?

Basically, it’s similar to a boozy hangover, except it’s caused from consuming too much people energy and it happens whether you drink alcohol or not.

The physical symptoms are varied from one Empath to the next, but here are just a few: fatigue, headaches and generally feeling blah. For more extreme cases, it may require a day in bed.

Back in the days when I used to drink alcohol, I assumed feeling rough the day after was all down to guzzling too many Budweiser. So, when I ventured out alcohol free, I was surprised to discover I still got the ‘hangover’. I soon clicked on to the fact that it was the aftereffects of being peopled (alcohol had just heightened the impact). Continue reading →

As it’s new year and we all have intentions of becoming healthier and happier, I’ve decided to do a fantastic offer on Kindle Countdown for all you lovely Empaths. For 2 days you can get the Empath Eating plan for $1.26. Yes, that’s right, only $1.26. The price will gradually increase until it goes back to full list price on 16th January 2019.

You can click here to have a quick read through of the first part of the book, to see if the information is for you. Remember it’s only for 2 days that the price will be so low.Continue reading →

Don’t you love the energy of a new year? Just today I felt a real shift in the way the energy feels. It’s like there’s a freshness all around and an upbeat vibe drifting through the air.

It’s as though positive intentions are ramping up, as ideas for fresh starts are being put into place all around.

I was away for Christmas, in the Caribbean, so I missed a lot of the Xmas madness. I got back on the 28th, and there was still a real stressed-out energy lingering. It wasn’t very nice to come back to. Even my husband found the energy dark and stressful, which made him a little grumpy. (My Empath ways have shown up in him more in recent years and he has become much more in tune with the energy of others.)Continue reading →

Empath life often feels like a double-edged sword. On the one hand we have incredible encounters and insights that few will ever experience, and on the other, we endure emotional energy and overwhelm that can at times be crippling, and affects our quality of life.

Experiencing the energy of those we come into contact with impacts our biology. Meaning, our immune system is compromised and our hormones get overworked, just by picking up the emotions of others, which can eventually lead to anything from depression to physical health problems.

So, yes, we have to constantly work to heal, reset and stay in balance.

The problem is it is difficult to know what we need to heal for each given situation. Continue reading →

I’m sure 2018 will always be remembered as the year of conflict and division.

I know every year has its own crazy vibe, but this one seems particularly explosive with all the dark energy that’s been stirred up.

For those of us who are Empaths, it has certainly been a challenge to stay out of the angry clashing energy, fired up across the world, that has created a huge wave of all-consuming dark emotions!

To top it all off, we’ve arrived once more at the ‘Christmas silly season’. I know many Empaths struggle at this time of year (I was once one of them). All the rushed and stressed emotional energy, being produced by the masses, can prove to be nothing short of exhausting. Even when we stay tucked away, in our own little sanctuaries, the emotional energy is difficult to avoid. And the lack of sun/daylight in the northern hemisphere, means a lack of Vitamin D, and thus extra stress-related colds and flu to deal with. Continue reading →