During Election, 2004, Thehammer.ca guarantees you new polls every 34 seconds.
The veracity of said polls, well, that's for the Supreme Court to decide. Because
if there's one thing Canadians need this election campaign, it's more polls.
Goddamnit, but we have to slake your nearly unslakeable thirst for polls.

For months now, we've been hearing about how "volatile" the Canadian
electorate is. Oh, we are volatile. We are so volatile, us Canadian voter people.
And angry. Full of piss and vinegar. With perhaps a bit of beer thrown in. That's
what all of the pundits are saying.

But thehammer.ca wanted to know, is this true? What are Canadians really thinking
on the eve of the "most important election in the history of the universe,"
in the words of the Prime Minister? Who would make the Best Prime Minister of
Lesotho? Can Paul Martin eat a whole bag of Oreos in one sitting? How many Canadians
think the Green Party is actually a gigantic ruse organized by the Liberals?
These are the questions that need to be answered.

That's why we at thehammer.ca got together with the University of Smiths Falls
and the Trenton Follower to produce this exhaustive joint poll. Our survey
of 14 people, 11 of whom were named 'Dirk,' is accurate, well, never. But there
might be a cheap laugh or two, so it meets our rigourous scientific standards.
We could do more analysis, but the results of this poll speak for themselves.
So now, without any further ado, this groundbreaking poll:

CANADA-LITHUANIA RELATIONS:

68 per cent of Canadians said they want the government to pursue closer
relations with Lithuania. In Labrador, that figure goes up 72 per cent.

Conversely, only 31 per cent of Canadians support free trade with Liechtenstein.

HEALTH CARE:

54 per cent of Canadians think the nurses at the hospital are getting
uglier and uglier all the time.

65 per cent of Canadians think the health care system needs more intergovernmental
bitching about health care.

34 per cent of Canadians are opposed to private involvement in health
care unless they get sick.

0.4 per cent of respondents think the health care system will get fixed
for real after this election. No, honest. This time we mean it.

ALBERTANS:

62 per cent of Albertans think that 43 per cent of Ontarians think.

95 per cent of
Albertans don't give two shits about politics right now because the Flames
are in the Finals.

TAXES:

86 per cent of Canadian taxpayers have never heard of the Canadian Taxpayers
Federation.

41 per cent of Saskatchewan residents think taxes are too high.

34 per cent of Manitobans think taxes are just right.

22 per cent of Ontarians think this porridge is too hot.

91 per cent of Canadians fail to see the relevance of incessant regional
breakdowns in these opinion polls.

ANGRY ELECTORATE:

46 per cent of respondents said they were "very angry" with
the government.

24 per cent of this 46 per cent said they "might" actually
vote this election to make their voice heard.

DRUNK ELECTORATE:

94 per cent of Canadians reported themselves as "somewhat buzzed"
at the time the poll was taken.

88 per cent of Canadians could really go for a slice of pizza.

PEOPLE WITH SIX TOES:

44 per cent of people with six toes think the NDP's electoral platform
is "good."