Monday, August 29, 2016

Local Women’s Club Debuts New Eyesore At Weekly Sunday Night Blowout

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt StaffDATELINE: JORDAN AVENUE

The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club officially unveiled a new billboard-sized sign advertising its nightclub venue this past Sunday, as part of its popular “F.U.C.K. the Neighborhood” series of events the club premises hosts.

The Women's Club's new sign, unveiled during last night's typical Sunday night blowout, solicits those
willing to stage similar events and ensure Canoga Park's future of ongoing pandemonium. Staff photo.

The large wooden sign was actually installed at the beginning of the summer, but the Club wanted “just the right event” to mark its official debut. Last night’s raucous free-for-all — with music so loud it simultaneously set off three separate car alarms in the club’s parking lot — seemed a perfect fit.

“We needed a new sign since the one in front of the building is as rickety and old as most of our few remaining members,” laughs Bessie Betelmeyer, 92, Official Club Chronicler of Those Darling ‘Consumer Cellular’ Commercials.

Bessie Betelmeyer, left, and Mildred "Millie" Kordas at a Women's Club event in 1997. File photo.

Indeed, the old sign, installed “Oh, God knows when,” according to 87-year-old Mildred Kordas, Secretary in Charge of Calling Now For Information On How A Reverse Mortgage Could Benefit You, has seen better days. Oft-replaced plexiglass protects the club’s logo from would-be vandals, since the sign is a popular and frequent target of local taggers.

“It’s hard to keep on top of that, since so many of [the taggers] are themselves guests at the events that are held here,” Kordas says.

As of this writing, however, the new billboard, located on the south side of the building, is currently pristine and completely free from local gang tags or other vandalism.

That handsome new sign serves another purpose, too: Its front lawn forebear is arguably misleading as it still identifies the ramshackle building on the corner of Jordan and Valerio primarily as a women’s charitable organization, despite the widely-held view that the popular nightclub venue merely holds just enough quaint “old-lady” type functions to maintain a tenuous hold on its tax-exempt status. The new sign acts as an oversized, highly visible mission statement of sorts, helping to educate the public more accurately about the institution's current purpose.

Doreen Farber.Photo: Fred Farber

But perhaps, just by being erected, the billboard has already served its most important duty: as a token means for the club to spend a meager sum from its coffers.

“I’m required to use a certain amount of the rental fees we bring in and reinvest it on maintenance, upkeep and improvements. So naturally, I pushed for a sign made from a cheap sheet of plywood,” says Club President In Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber, known as much for her wonderfully dismissive manner as she is for her delightful incompetence in managing a tiny organization with a dwindling membership.

“The other members wanted better security or sound-proofing," she says, shaking her head in annoyance. "Shit, I green-light either of those things and Fred and I won’t be able to afford to go to Kauai again this fall.”