December 22, 2008

Miss Rain's moment of Truth

The messages we send our children about the healthy affects of a strong marriage can instill in them the courage to be loving and "fiercely loyal", as President Gordon B. Hinckley has said we should be. It will give them the chance to observe and hear for themselves what they can attain- what is available- in a world of divorce and sexual misrepresentation. To discuss sexual intimacy with them is critical. If we as parents do not have these conversations- it is inevitable they will learn inaccurate facts from someone or somewhere else.

Jill C. Manning, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado- featured on Real Families- Real Answers (BYU) said, "We as parents need to make a critical decision about who's voice is going to get to them (our children) first, and who's voice is going to win out." In an earlier post, I mentioned the safety I had in my home growing up with dialogue about sex. It was empowering to me later in life as I faced the world that encouraged acceptance of things I knew in my heart to be inappropriate and offensive. This open dialogue proved to be a haven that led me in a direction that is now open on this blog and in our home. My husband didn't have open discussion growing up, and there have been lasting effects because of it. To teach our children these concepts and principles has always been our plan.

Mr.Napes and I had talked about the right timing of these conversations. We felt strongly about two things: 1. We would have these discussions with each child TOGETHER as it is a common misconception that fathers need only talk to the son and mothers need only talk to the daughter. Sharing these conversations together shows the child unity in the marriage. It gives them more than one resource for understanding. It offers answers to questions from both perspectives, and it prepares them for future relationships, with knowledge of the opposite sex.

2. We would address this sensitive and amazing topic when they were around the age of 8- the age of accountability. In our home, this is the year they are baptized and receive the Holy Ghost. With the Holy Ghost they can receive all truth. In Moroni chapter 10 verse 5 it says, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost you may know the truth of all things." Our children are able, with help from the teacher of truth, to receive knowledge...even about sex, and to accept this information with a pure and simple heart.

Some people may say this is too young. In a world with sexual messages EVERYWHERE, I recommend seeking the advice of the apostles and prophet. When reading what they have to say about teaching this subject to our children, it is evident we should prepare them at early ages. We are told that just as a parent wouldn't send their child into a winter storm with out proper protection (shoes, coat, hat) we also shouldn't send them into the world without the protective knowledge that will save them from harsh disasters to come.

We felt peace about this age and were preparing ourselves for this discussion. I realize that every child is different and every household is different. I offer the conversation we had with the hope that even one person may take something from it. If anything I share is helpful, my purpose is met. If nothing is helpful, it's alright- as it doesn't change the remarkable and enlightening evening we had with our daughter, Rain. Thanks to my journal, all of the dialogue has been preserved for a moment like this.

Mr. Napes was away at a meeting one evening and I had put our two younger children to bed. I was in Rain's room on her bed as we chatted about her day. She and I were content and happy with this "talk time", as we discussed school, friends, and life. As she was sharing, I was completely taken aback by a strong feeling that I needed to ask about her understanding of this topic. This wasn't our design- I thought. My husband wasn't home and she was only 7! She was in the second grade. She was too young.

I fought this impression for a while, internally telling myself this wasn't the right timing, but feeling again and again I should ask her some detailed questions. After the nagging in my heart was more than I could bear, I finally opened the conversation with this question: "Hey Rain, you know that aunt D. is pregnant right?" "Yeah, mom, I know." "Well, how did that happen? How did that baby get inside of her belly- what do you think?"

It was in this moment that her face turned bright red and she dropped her head to avoid eye contact with me. She slowly fiddled with her fingers. My heart sank! This body language spoke volumes. Not knowing my daughter, you may think it was expected, but nothing in conversation in the seven years I have known her, had ever made her noticeably uncomfortable. It was obvious to me that she was struck by my question, and I instinctively felt I needed to find out why.

"Um, I don't really know how mom, but all I know is what Emily told me." Emily was another second grader in her class at school. They rode the bus together, played at recess together, and sat next to each other in class. I now knew why I had been inspired. How long had she been curiously wondering about this new information? How long had she been burdened with confusion? "When did she share things with you? What did she say?" I asked. "Four days ago."

4 days. This was a tender mercy. It wasn't weeks or even months. I had surely been inspired. "Well, she said a lot of things but the big thing she said is that a man's "private" and a woman's "private" had to touch. Can you believe that?!"

I had the chance to gently clarify truth, and our conversation was very open and very honest. I will add the details with a soft warning that our conversation was frank in many ways. Healthy and clean, but frank. I said, "Well, Emily is right honey." "She IS?" she asked, shocked. "Yep, they do have to touch but there is a little more to it than that. The man's private has to actually go inside of the woman." I didn't flinch, I didn't stammer. I explained things just as I would have explained how to pour flour into cookie dough. This proved important in her safety to share. She knew I was comfortable with her asking and telling me things.

I also want to mention that the accuracy in my teaching had to be suited for her age and understanding. Some explanations wouldn't have made sense to her 7 year old mind, and so I explained some things in elementary terms as opposed to medical terms that adults receive. A reminder once again that I am no expert. She knows the technical terms for body parts- which is important, but I followed her lead as she asked me why the man's private entered the woman's. Up to this point, my husband and I had already explained that a man's sperm and a woman's egg came together to create a baby. This was when my 3 year old son asked the year before. That was all we shared back then of course, so they would be familiar with those terms, and the conversation was done. He ran off to play and was satisfied.

"Well, it's actually pretty awesome. Remember we told you about the egg and the sperm?" "Yeah." "The woman's eggs are inside of her body and the sperm goes inside the body to find the egg. It's the only way to make it work. But it's normal. It's the way animals make babies too." "Really?" "Yep- horses, cats, dogs. It's pretty amazing. A real miracle. And just so you know... you can ask me anything you want sis." "I can? Ok...well...um...does it hurt?" "You know Rain- it did a little bit. That's because my body had never tried to make a baby before. It took some getting used to while we were trying to figure it all out. After that though it didn't hurt at all. It was beautiful!" During this conversation, I never introduced the idea to her that this process took place for reasons other than having a baby.

"You know Rain, it doesn't always work the first time either." "How come." "Well, the eggs and the sperm are so small and it's dark in there. To find each other is tricky. Mom's and dad's sometimes have to try often." This made sense to her. "Well," she asked, "Do you know if it works right away?" "No it takes two weeks or so and then you take a special pregnancy test." "Oh yeah...isn't there something about putting a stick in water?" (Hmm...also didn't know she knew that.) "Yes but it isn't water- it's urine. Because something from inside has to come out to show you that it worked (so to speak :) There are two lines that show if it worked and one line if it didn't." "Did two lines show up with ME?!"

"Yes! I was soooo excited. Daddy and I had been trying for a month or two. Some people try for a long, long time. I was jumping up and down because I finally had you in my tummy." Rain's face was full of excitement and joy. "Tell me more." she said. "Well, I was happy that after daddy and I "made love" it had finally worked." I chose this wording with pure intent. "Made love?" she asked. "Yes, that's what we call it when we are married and we share that experience of making a baby. You love your baby brother River, right." "Oh yes mom! I LOVE River." "Well that's what River is...he is such love, and this is the way we made him." "Mom, that makes so much sense," she said.

"You know Rain, it's important to remember that this is only to happen the right way. When a husband and a wife are married. Only when we have been married can this be an exciting and happy thing." (I realize there are happy people who don't follow this pattern. This was my teaching opportunity for my daughter with principles we choose to live, and I believe this to be true.) "Can it happen if you aren't married?" "It can honey, but it's not as happy of an experience then. It's sin if you aren't married and it can be a sad and painful mistake. It takes a long repentance process to make it right, though it CAN be made right. Even though it can be fixed- only when we have been married, and in the temple, does it become the greatest experience ever! That's Heavenly Father's plan."

"Mom....do you know anyone who did that when they weren't married?" "Yes, I do. I have a few friends and relatives who had a baby first. One cousin said that it was sad and very hard, but after a lot of work she and her boyfriend got married. They repented, and were sealed in the temple. They arehappy now, but there was a lot of time wasted. She said looking back, she wished they would have done it differently. She said it could have been an easier and more joyful time. It's not ok when you aren't married...no matter what anyone says."

"Man, why would Satan do that?! Why would he want someone to fall down, mom? Like he trips them. That would be like my friend Sean putting his foot out and tripping me on purpose. That's so mean." "I like the way you put that sis. It's true and we can all fall down from time to time. We must be very careful in our choices. We must stay close to the Holy Ghost and follow the prophet to make sure we don't fall down. But if we do, we get back up and repent. Our Savior loves all people, though he wants us to make the right choices the first time if we understand it."

"Mom, how come I've never seen you and daddy do this- make love, I mean." "Well, that question is good and important. It's because making love is the most special and sacred thing that can happen between a husband and a wife. Do you remember what sacred means?" "Yes, something special but with the spirit." "Yep. And this is special with the spirit for a mom and dad. No one gets to see it but us." "NO one?" "Yes- NO one honey. It's too special to share with people. It's very private and everyone needs to remember that. It's like the most special place on earth. Do you know what that is?" "YES! The temple." "Yep, and can anyone go into the temple?" "No, not anyone. You need a recommend to go in there." "Yes Rain, it's so sacred and special, it's between God and the person going through. Making love is so special also- it's between God and a husband and a wife to see. No one else. This means if you ever see someone sharing this love, it's not ok. Not on t.v., or in the movies, or magazines. Not anywhere! You'll know that if someone is letting people see...it's sin. Andplease tell daddy and I if there is a situation like this going on."

"Mmm. I won't forget. But mom, how does it happen? I mean where? Where am I when you and daddy are together?" "Well, mostly in our room. We share the same bed and so it's ok for us to share this love." "Do you stay that way all night to make sure it works?" (I realized it may seem odd to be "stuck" like that all night in a 7 year old mind.) "Well, we come together to try, and afterward we brush our teeth and say our prayers and we hug and sleep." (Which is all she needs to know for now.) "Mom, that seems so normal and it makes sense. And it doesn't make me nervous. I'm so glad we had this talk." This inspired my mind to cover something else important. "Has it been good?" I asked. "So good!" "I wanted to tell you one more thing. As wonderful as this was, we need to make sure that we let all of your friends have the same great conversation with their moms. We can't take that away by telling them all of these awesome things. It will be their moment for their moms to explain."

"Got it mom. My lips are sealed!" she said as she slid her fingers across her mouth. "It wouldn't be right for me to mess that up. It's just between us...not even for Clay."-her other brother. She understood. (I was so glad this would not be playground information. A mother's nightmare.) I asked her if she had anymore questions and as I did, her dad walked in. "Hey guys...questions about what?" The moment of truth... "Hey Rain, why don't you tell daddy what we've been talking about." Yes, this was fun for me to watch the ball drop and see her dad's face, but I also wanted her to restate what she'd heard so I could recognize any loop holes and flaws in my explanations. "We were talking about how babies are made."

The look on the man's face was worth a million bucks. "Um...what did she say?," were the words he stammered as he turned to me. "Yeah Rain, why don't you tell him what Emily taught you at school...." "Oooooh. Hmm..." he said. "Ok, let's have it." He took off his suit coat, knelt beside her bed, and the conversation went as before. She was able to ask him questions- which happened to fall more into the animal side of conception. (Daddy have you see a cow try this?)...Yes he got the better end of the deal :) but she was able to strengthen her relationship with him through this topic.

In the end, we all went to bed that night with humble and happy hearts. I had truly been inspired in my words. We have followed up with her a time or two since then to see if her little mind has formulated more questions or concerns, and truly she is at peace. This conversation has since led to the explanation of menstrual cycles and, she is equipped. It is empowering to send her to school, or anywhere knowing that the spirit has confirmed truth to her tiny, tender heart. It was one of the greatest conversations we have shared. One I look forward to in the future with her siblings.

Rick Shatz- President and CEO of the National coalition for the protection of children and families said this in reference to teaching our kids about sex, "Decide what the right age is- subtract three years- and you're only one year late, and that isn't a joke. This is the reality of where we are in the world today." If the "right age" seems to be 12, 13, or 14... then his statement and the next statement as well, rings true: John R. Sealy, Md.- assistant clinical professor of psychology- UCLA said, "It is important to have dialogue about sex with your children. Much younger than teen, certainly by 8 or 9."

Everyone will have a different experience as it is unique to each child. Arming them with powerful information and peace is the ultimate goal to fight the temptations that come in life. Namely promiscuity, pornography, infidelity, self abuse, and others. I am grateful to have Miss Rain's permission to share our great day to any bloggers who choose to read or want to learn. She hopes all of your kids "feel happy too."

Fabulous dialogue inspired by the spirit. My education on the subject was by my mom, with a book..and it was AWKWARD. And it didn't prepare me for the next step either, starting the period. That was a surprising and traumatic event. I'm glad you tied those all in together.

My friend that teaches a parenting class talked about addressing the subject (even very simply) before they even start kindergarten. I was flabbergasted! I didn't want my kid to be the "Emily" blabbing all over the bus or whatever. However, when you can present it as sacred, and without shame, then those young kids accept it without such a big deal (and then go into more detail later like you did with Rain).

Example: kids are curious, about their bodies and what not. My friends daughter, about age 5, out of the shower and checking out her naked body in front of the mirror. She is investigating (mostly with her eyes) the area between the legs, and her mom very happily says "that is your vagina! It is so special. A mommy's vagina and a daddy's penis come together to make a baby. Isn't that beautiful?" and then she adds something like "It's important to keep our vagina clean, but we do not touch it. We cover it up and when we are married, our vagina will help us feel magical with our husband".

Anyway, when this was presented to me like this, I was amazed to hear that the kid was not traumatized by the info (like I was) and was excited that she was a beautiful girl.

I appreciate the comments! Mrs. Olsen, one thing we have mentioned to our kids is that we touch our "private" when we wipe and when we wash. It has been a very simple thing for them to understand. It is important that we, as parents, don't over react to the exploration at a young age. It is absolutley normal. I think we tend to panic. But we do this because of our OWN feelings.

Often times adults are uncomfortable with their own bodies and sexuality. They have "awkward" memories from childhood, or even negative experiences through their own mistakes. The tendency is to freak out, as we don't want our kids to establish negative habits and patterns. To the child it is as simple as discovering their ears and noses.

When I have a drawer that has candy in it I am saving for something, and my son River is opening all of the drawers to find a pencil...he hears me say, "NOT THAT ONE!" as he gets to the secret stash. His curiousity has been heightened ten fold. When I am not in the kitchen, it is a sure fire thing he will sneak in to find the goods. Our responses to their emotions, questions, and the facts are very important. Calm and loving- these two qualities are key.

I also want to mention what I have learned through experts in the field...teach as young as you possibly can! To those who feel "later" is better...it will become a more "awkward" situation for sure. Professors and experts say to start at 3 and 4. Use non "sexual" experiences to explain, like the bathtub, a pregnany, or new birth. I say this with the hope that those reading understand I don't mean teach it ALL. I mean teach what they are ready for and WANT to know. The girl in your story who was exploring, was ready to hear what her vagina was for. She simply wanted to know it's purpose., and nothing more. It was not dirty or "wrong". Her mother's explanation was brilliant. It was simple- POSITIVE- and complete. That little girl will chreish and value her body and herself from that point on. I thank you for sharing it!!

This is priceless information! I came from a family much like your Mr. Napes, where things were not openly discussed and things were very awkward. I struggle with terminology to use and speaking calmly & NORMALLY. My oldest is 6 years old, so our time will approach soon. I appreciate these great examples!

Our time has approached. Reed asked us today how does the chicken's eggs get fertilized by the rooster. Ned's face was MORE than priceless. I almost laughed out loud =D I sent him here to your page to read because I know there are more questions coming VERY soon. Reed is 6.

I read this again and was so moved by the spirit that I'm close to tears.

Excellent post. Thank you so much for sharing this. I've stumbled here from "My Words" blog.

I just wanted to add that when I was in college, one of my professors mentioned that the sexual habits of 11-year-old children are now being studied in earnest. Eleven! It is so true that children need open, frank, and comfortable conversation with their parents.

Amber, I haven't checked your blog forever. You are so amazing. That was written so PERFECT. I hope one day that i can explain "it" just like you. Thanks for your perspective and information. I loved it.!

I bumbled on to this blog from Mrs. Olsen's and just had to say thank you for your post. I was fortunate to come from a very open home when it came to sexuality--not disgusting, or wrong, but sacred, and not scary. When I was fifteen my best friend was raped inside a tent I was standing outside of at the time, and then I spent the night holding her hand as she moaned in pain and...let's just say it was a bad experience. How grateful I was for parents who could explain to me Heavenly Father's plan, and how this is really supposed to work! My husband, on the other hand, had the don't-touch-don't-tell method from his parents. His younger sister was naturally curious, and was told she was bad for trying to look things up in a book. A few years later she was pregnant out of wedlock.

We've now come to the conclusion that our kids need to understand these things, and their very sacred nature, when they are very young. We're pointing out the difference--the real difference--between boys and girls to our 3 year old son. Later that will develop into more, but for now, it is enough. I loved how you spoke openly and carefully with your daughter. It is a good example for all of us to follow.

WELCOME

Welcome to a blog of reverence and respect. The beautiful topic of sexual intimacy affects all people. To understand my purpose in this blog, it is essential to start from the beginning. Receiving the most from it's content is to read each post in numerical order, allowing one to establish a foundation that will build confidence, increase knowledge, and expand growth. I hope it is helpful.

True Oneness

“The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ ”

Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign-May, 1974

Bonding

"..For those couples, sex becomes a form of communication, a way of expressing deep feelings for which there aren't adequate words. It is nature's most sublime way of bonding one human soul to another..."

Elder M. Russel Ballard

Expression of Love

"It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love."