It's prom season! That means it's time for news stories fretting over how wasted kids will get on prom night, before getting behind the wheel of a car, to wreck it, while being fellated, by your daughter, who was drunk.

What to do? School districts have been staging those "Pretend drunk driving car crash" scenes for years, but kids remain stupid, horny, and drunk. It's time we "get real" about stopping drunk driving on prom night by any means necessary.

Allow promgoers to trade in their booze for an equivalent value in cocaine, no questions asked.

If you see a kid drunk driving, shoot them.

Ask your elected representatives to make drunk driving against the law.

Don't make kids have fumbling, drunken sex in the back seat; encourage them to fuck right there on the dance floor.

Start reading Neil Strauss' The Game to your child at a young age, so he can make those panties drop with no booze necessary. Better to have an unbearable 16-year-old self-proclaimed "pickup artist" son who's alive than a son who drives drunk! Right?