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World Health Organisation names children as most prevalent STD

The World Health Organisation today issued a stark warning in a bid to curb the spread of a virulent sexually transmitted disease which it described as having reached ‘epidemic proportions’. This particularly unpleasant and hard-to-shake-off disease is known as ‘children’ (medical name, fuckersi minoris) and it is reported to have caused severe distress and discomfort for billions of people around the world.

‘Every day, we see more and more people suffering from this debilitating condition,’ said Dr Hans Biermann, WHO spokesman for sexual health. ‘We’ve managed to keep some sort of control over the less serious STDs like herpes and chlamydia, but the problem of children just seems to get worse and worse every year.’

Dr Biermann went on to describe the symptoms to look out for if people suspect that they are suffering from children. ‘In women, the first warning signs include early morning vomiting and irritability, but as the disease progresses it causes a large, disfiguring swelling of the abdomen and then an unusual vaginal discharge around nine months after infection. And that’s just the beginning.’

‘In men,’ he continued, ‘the early symptoms tend to be palpitations and extreme anxiety, but after several years it can cause insomnia, severe financial haemorrhaging, as well as feelings of sexual frustration and murderous rage at the loss of a carefree life.’

Dr Biermann urged people to get checked out for children regularly and to seek urgent medical attention if they suspect they have contracted the disease. ‘The key is to stop transmission,’ he said. ‘Children is an incurable disease, so people should be doing everything they can to stop themselves developing an unsightly growth that gets bigger and bigger and ultimately will remain with them for life. The last thing anyone would want is to pass something like this on to the next generation.’