Indians reacted with joy after Viswanathan Anand clinched the world chess title for a record 5th time but none more so than BCCI President N. Srinivasan, who promptly did a cartwheel and complimented his wife Mrs. Srinivasan by calling her a sexy home-maker as soon as The Unreal Times broke the news to him.

Srini has been in the throes of depression since CSK’s shock defeat to KKR in the finals but Vishy’s triumph has lifted his spirits. “The last couple of days have been very difficult for me, paa. People kept making snide remarks such as ‘you could get CSK into the finals but you couldn’t prevent KKR from taking the trophy. And that too because of a dubious no-ball. Thoo (sic).’” recalled the cement baron in an emotionally choked voice.

The subsequent over the top celebrations by SRK and Mamata in Kolkata further riled Mr Srinivasan, who took off the Tirupati to seek answers from his kula deivam for his team’s traumatic loss.

“During darshan, I asked Lord Balaji why he was playing with me like this. Have I not been an ardent devotee of his? Then why get CSK into the finals in such a miraculous manner only to make them taste defeat even more miraculously? Then suddenly, a ladoo dropped from the Lord’s right hand and I instantly knew that He had something even better in store for me to compensate for CSK’s soul-crushing loss. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Vishy’s win was part of the Lord’s grand plan,” he disclosed, tears of joy rolling down his cheeks.

Srinivasan is now planning grand victory celebrations for the 5 time world chess champion in Chennai on behalf of the BCCI and CSK. When asked what he has to do with chess, Srinivasan barked, “Dude, by that yardstick, what’s SRK got to do with Bengal or Didi got to do with a club win? It is how you celebrate that’s important, not why you celebrate, thambi.”

The BCCI chief is also frenetically trying to rope in TN CM Jayalalitha for the ceremony. “If things go according to plan, Amma and I will dance to hit Tamil movie songs in the jam-packed Chidambaram stadium in Chennai after which I will gingerly kiss her fore-head,” said Srinivasan in a soft tone.