(This is a purely
satirical piece that has in no way an ounce of truth regarding the New England
Patriots' organization releasing tight end Aaron Hernandez. All quotes are the product of the author's
imagination, his disdain for the NCAA/ESPN and his belief that "all are
innocent until proven guilty" by a court of law and not the court of
misinformed public opinion. The author
hopes that whatever has transpired with Mr. Hernandez and the crime at hand,
that justice is done for the victim of the crime.)

In a bold move by the NFL, the New England Patriots
organization has been handed the harshest sanctions in the history of
professional sports. The sanctions are
as follows:

• Five (5) year post-season ban, including any appearance by current players in the yearly Pro Bowl game• Half of all Patriots’ yearly revenues for the next five (5) years must be paid to the Buffalo Bills Organization• All first or second round draft picks for the following five (5) years must go to the Miami Dolphins• All wins occurring during Mr. Hernandez’ tenure with the Patriots’ organization must be forfeited to the New York Jets organization, including post-season wins

The unprecedented sanctions come days after the release of
the Patriots' organization sanctioned report investigating the background of
Aaron Hernandez and the involvement of the Patriots' organization in the role
of accomplice to murder.

The report, led
by former FBI Director Louis Freeh, implicates the Patriots organization, its
chairman, Robert Kraft, and Patriots' head coach, Bill Belichick, as knowing accomplices
in the murder case. The report was based on hearsay, hindsight, a half-drunk
neighbor of Hernandez and the musings of Mike Golic of the very popular ESPN
show, Mike & Mike in the Morning.

The report states, "As
one of the greatest coaches in all of professional football, Mr. Belichick knowingly
failed to provide the authorities with any information regarding the murder. Mr. Belichick should have known there was a
murderer in his midst and should have done everything in his power to stop Mr.
Hernandez while in the act."

The Patriots' organization, in response to the report and
sanctions, fired the Hall of Fame coach, Bill Belichick, and accepted the
sanctions without contest. When asked
for a reaction to the steps taken by the NFL, an unnamed member of the
Patriots' board of directors stated, "I
hadn't read the report because it is rather long and wouldn't open on my iPad,
but I have full faith that Mr. Freeh and his group got it right."

When the questioned about the sanction process, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, stated, "Although
we have rules regarding how to punish organizations that break our rules, Chris
Berman of ESPN believes this is an unprecedented event and unprecedented actions
should be taken."

When pressed
regarding who decided the sanctions, commissioner Goodell stated, "We left the decision of the sanctions up to
the New York Jets' organization. We
believe they have the best intentions in mind for the Patriots' organization."

Canz would love to hear from you regarding how wrong he is. So tell him below in the comments section. He can also be reached at the very juvenile email
address, CanztheMoose@yahoo.com.
Or you can harass him on Twitter: @CanztheMoose!