Monday, December 14, 2009

Holiday Song

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Wombsie!

The next 10 people to donate 25 or more get a wombsie! These are one-of-a-kind homemade adult full body pajamas that make you feel like you're back in the uterine lining again!

Here's what Leibya Rogers has to say about them:

"You guys, I make these myself and I assure you that when you put them on you will travel back to the womb. Get back that lost feeling of security and warmth. One night inside my Wombsie will probably save you thousands of dollars in therapy and perscription meds. Please go to Kickstarter and pledge something towards my vinyl album." -Leibya Rogers

If you're able to back the project at any amount, that would be awesome. (even a dollar, every donation is so appreciated) Also, you don't give something for nothing. When you become a backer of the project you get rewarded, for $1 you get tickets to the live show and a CD of the album, $12 you get your own copy of the record, $19 you get a personalized haiku thank you, for $39 a thank you in the liner notes, free downloads. etc. etc. Plus more rewards are being added, including a personalized video for each and every backer.Thank you for helping to fund and spread the word!

Thanks for those that still check for updates as I know my posting has been sparse.

I've been embracing writing with pen and paper lately, which is rude because you can't get updates about or read the things I write in my artsy moleskin journal that is filled with important artistic ideas, poetic prose, and invention ideas that will make me and my future grandkids super rich.

So sorry. I will type more.

Also, I'm moving. So most of my internet time is spent on craigslist looking at pictures of apartments that look awesome, but nothing like the apartments that I'm shown after I call and make an appointment to see the apartment that's in the picture on the craigslist ad.

On that note, here are some words and phrases to avoid when looking for an apartment in NYC:

"Cozy""Comfy""Cozy and Comfy""Super Cozy""LARGE lobby""Historic Building""Original Kitchen""Can fit twin bed and maybe a . . .""On the outskirts of . . .""Short walk to bus that stops only a 2o minute walk to subway""Bath .5" "I live in the UK and work for an oil company. If you are serious about this apartment, I can fly in to show you the apartment, but first I need to make sure you will pay me one month rent and security deposit. I have included information here for you to wire . . "

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I don't look like foxy or divine brown

So I'm at a party in brooklyn with my boyfriend Marc, and 4 different people come up to him and say things like, "oh my God, you look just like Hugh Grant." "has anyone told you you look like Hugh Grant!" etc. etc. One girl even took her picture with him! What?

When I took him with me to my sister's wedding in 2007 my relatives said he looked like Jerry Seinfeld. (I think it was wishful Jewish thinking since he's Catholic.

I don't think he looks like Hugh that much:

but maybe I just don't want to think he does because I know I'd start suffering from major Elizabeth Hurley complex.

(right, like I'd put my pic next to her's)

Anyway, whenever someone said he looked like Hugh at the party I would slur out through my whiskey coated lips, "yeah, and don't I look like Foxy Brown?!" which generated many confused faces.

So the moral of the story is: get your pop culture hooker names straight before making a lame joke at a party about not looking like one,and never publicly post your picture next to Elizabeth Hurley's.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

So...

I haven’t posted here since July! Wow, so I guess that kind of makes this blog extinct by now. Perhaps I’ll relocate and start over, or maybe I’ll keep posting here. I’m not sure yet, but I thought I’d do a post today, since it’s the first day of 2009 and I want to start the year on an active, productive, and truthful note.

2008 wasn’t a particularly fun, or funny year for me, which is hard for someone who is trying to make a living writing and performing funny things. On new year’s day last year my mom convinced us all, through lots of painful notes back and forth, to take her off her ventilator, to end her suffering and let her go in her own time, at peace. She was with us, peacefully and beautifully, for four more days.

Yet, I don’t want to always think of New Years as a sad time. She wouldn’t want that either. I have so many great and happy memories of celebrating the new year with my mom and family. Eating lobster, and cookie dough out of the bag, banging on pots and pans in our driveway, watching movie musicals marathons on TV. . . no, I want to start off this year on a happy note, a productive note, a positive note, because life is too short to dwell on what we can't control.

In one of my mom’s notes to us she wrote, “rejoice in my life,” and although sometimes it’s hard, that’s what I’ve been attempting to do this past year and will continue to do from now on: rejoice. Not only in her life, but in mine, and those around me.

So I guess I’m posting this today because I want to start off 2009 by putting these thoughts “out there.” Even if that means posting them on a poorly maintained comedy blog, they’re still out there, for someone to read, for me to hold accountable.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Ewwww.

I don't know why all my posts are about the subway. Perhaps because lately I've had a pretty boring social life as I've been spending all my time writing at home, going to a show at night, and sleeping. So my exciting activities out in the world are riding on public transportation. A couple nights ago I saw something really, really nasty. Some people may think "sweet, parental gesture," but not me, I almost threw up in my mouth.

A baby is in his stroller sucking on his pacifier. He spits the pacifier out of his mouth and it lands on the floor of the subway station. His dad picks up the pacifier, LICKS it clean with HIS MOUTH and puts it BACK in the BABIES MOUTH!

Yes, I agree.

I don't have any kids, but since when is the human mouth a sanitation device?! Why? Why wouldn't you just put the pacifier away and wash it when you got home? The kid wasn't even crying.

Or how about this? Carry an extra binky with you.

I'm not judging. I'm just disgusted.

************************************

Was working at an office last week and was IMing with a friend and telling her how bored I was and jokingly said I was going to live blog my day. She thought this was a spectacular idea. I didn't live blog. But if I did, here's how it would go....

RECEPTION JOB! LIVE BLOGGED! 9:00 AM: Just transferred a call to x214 but no one picked up. Shoot. So, I took the guy off hold and asked him if he wanted to be transferred to voice mail. He said "yeah." So I transferred him to voicemail.

9:30AM: Just transferred a call to x120.

10:15 AM: Phone rang again. I picked it up. It was a hang up.11:30 AM: While I was deciding what to get for lunch the phone rang! I transferred call to x216, then decided on pizza.1:00 PM: Just left my desk to get coffee from the kitchen!

1:45PM: I just updated my facebook profile.

1:50PM: Transferred call to x101.

3:00PM: Someone just asked me if I knew where to find some scotch tape! There was some on my desk, so I gave it to her!

3:02PM: She returned the scotch tape to my desk.

3:45PM: I feel empty inside.

4:00PM: Just did some light crying in the bathroom.

5:00PM: Heading to the subway station.

5:10: Ewww! Just saw a man lick a pacifier that fell on the floor and stick it back in his babies mouth.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Last night. . .

I rode the subway home dressed as Leibya Rogers (sans wig).Sometimes after a show if I’m just heading home I don’t bother to change back into Mindy. I’ve gotten so used to walking around the city dressed in giant man-shorts, blue tights, and a wife beater with pins on it that say things like, “Kill All Men” that I forget sometimes why people are staring.

Not that people stare all that much. A girl wearing man-shorts and tights in the middle of summer is pretty tame for New York standards. Still, as I was standing in the middle of the train, my arm holding the top bar and therefore exposing my pit hair (I draw in pit hair with eyeliner and mascara to be seen from stage) (no, not the make-up I use on my eyes), I saw this girl staring at me and reading my pins. Just as I was about to say something like, “it’s a costume, a comedy thing,” she pointed to my “Kill All Men” pin and said, “I’m with you girl.”

Yay! I was glad I didn't have to explain what I was wearing or feel uncomfortable about the way I'm dressed, like my subway ride last Halloween for instance when I went dressed as a “skinny bitch.”

(It was a last minute costume when I realized I would be in town, I bought it at Rite Aid, and thought just going as a skeleton was lame.) It’s always awesome when people look at you with disgust and whisper about how politically incorrect it is to dress up as an anorexic. Hello? I had coffee, cigarettes, exlax and a scowl…it was obvious I was just a “skinny bitch.”

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Well...

I survived my first Fourth of July family reunion with my mom's side of the family, without my mom.

We have a big family reunion every year-unless there's a wedding or a bat mitzvah. Last year was my sister's wedding in May. Then our family and my mom's sister's family spent Fourth of July weekend together in CT. That was our last vacation with my mom. The last time I saw her out of the hospital. So I knew this Fourth would be tough. Thankfully, my mom's side of the family is...um, what's a good word? Wacky? Boisterous? Crazy? Really Jewish? I mean, how you can you be sad when you're amongst a crowd of 30 relatives all wearing these pins?

Yes, we wore these in public...proudly.

My mom's maiden name is Million. Yes, she grew up as Kitty Million and never did porn. Pretty amazing. Even more amazing: six of of those Jews tipping over in their canoes. My father, whose athletic abilities don't go beyond golf and bowling, tipped the first canoe. We were all close together and he thought he'd use my sister-in-law's canoe next to him for a push off. This started the Jew Klutz Domino Effect.

My father and my sister tried to help and soon they tipped over. Then my father, in a state of panic, tried to climb in my poor cousins canoe and tipped them over. I have a lot of it on video, and perhaps I'll post it when stupid ^%$ing Vista recognizes my four year old video camera. I think it's a, you had to be there/part of my family to find it funny anyway. So maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned it. Oh well.

my brand new baby cousin welcoming us to the hotel.

***************************Anyway....been doing a lot of writing, which is why my blog posts have been shamefully sparse.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Is always awesome...

when you have a great show and the crowd is awesome, and people are laughing, and you're selling CDs, and you come home and you think to yourself, "I love performing, and my shows are going really well, and I'm actually making money doing what I love to do, yay!" and then you get this in your inbox:

I've seen both your stand up and your articles. Not gonna lie....Comedy is not your bag. You have an amazing writing style and that doesn't horribly suck. Everything else I have seen from you....well, sadly that does suck!!! the funny! It's not working

I'm so glad that collegehuumor user, and high school dropout, Connell has taken the time to let me know "comedy is not my bag." Seriously, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Are people that bored with their lives? I don't get it. I mean I love it, don't get me wrong. I'd kinda be sad if I stopped getting fun mail like this to share with people...but still...kids need to start spending some time outdoors.

Imagined Conversations & Actual Conversations

Friday, May 30, 2008

Wannabe SATC columnist takes over my CollegeHumor article this week

Mindy's off this week, and I've been asked to fill in! Yay! I'm not a "real" sex columnist YET, but I've sent lots of stuff out to tons of NYC papers and popular on-line mags, so you never know.

I totally live and breathe sex and relationships though, so I'm SO happy to be writing about it for you guys this week. Let's get started.

Sex. LOL. Sex can be so funny, but it can also be really serious. Sex can be both funny and serious. Like one time I was making out with this guy in a cab and when the cab stopped at a red light the guy hit his head on the partition. Funny. But then I never heard from him again and felt super insecure. Serious. The guy was like lipstick: after we made out, he totally faded.

What's the deal with guys who can't commit to me emotionally? It's like, I just can't seem to get close to the opposite sex. Men are like uncrackable eggs. I don't know, maybe having a boyfriend isn't all it's scrambled up to be.

But, it's not like I haven't totally done the whole experimentation thing. I have. But I don't think chicks will ever really do it for me. I guess in my house, I'd rather have hardwood floors than wall to wall carpet.

Speaking of wanting hardwood, I hate how all the guys who treat me really well are the ones that just don't turn me on. Men are like bras: the really supportive ones are always the ugliest.

And the prettiest ones are always the most difficult to get off! But that, my friends, is a whole other column entirely (that hopefully will be published soon) called: Metro Makes Me Wanna Wretchtro

Wow, Metro Makes Me Wanna Wretchtro might be my first published piece of writing. That's cool. I mean it's so much better than my thesis on how the tonal vibrations of the chromatic scale relates to the neuronal connections of the amygdala. And also so much better than the lyrical novel I've been working on for the past five years about the relationship between conscious guilt and the spacetime continuum. Okay, well that's it for me this week (sobs quietly to herself), I'm spent! LOL! (continues to sob)

****************************

Now, will a lot of the guys that read college humor and comment frequently hate this? Yes. But getting e-mails from girls who LOVED it is enough for me. And getting hate mail from guys who'll never be my ideal audience is kinda fun...sometimes.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

This is worse than "skinny" jeans

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Another Cover!

The same lovely girls from Wheeler High School who re-created my Leibya Spells Freedom Song. Have now done their own version of my "You're Unattractive" song!

Though they changed it a bit. One of the lines in my songs is:

"Scott Baio, he was attractive. And was a man I'd put 'in charge of my days and my nights'"

And they changed the guy to "Orlando," but kept the Charles in Charge reference, which is hysterical.

And yes, now I officially feel old. More so than the time I did the "Your Unattractive" song at a college in Main a couple years ago and stopped after singing the Scot Baio line when I saw the kids were staring at me with blank faces.

But people are doing covers of my comedy songs, so I can't complain.

Though I guess the realty show "Scott Baio is 45... and Single" should have been a sign to update the pop culture refereces in my songs.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Don't try and hide it...

...you know you want to see my wiener dog pics from my second visit to the Daschund Friendship Club’s wiener dog gathering in NYC!

The last time we went was in October, so more of the doggies were dressed. This time around a lot of them were naked, but some of them had on outfits that I definitely wore when I was a tot in the 80s.

Like this:

And this:

And this (girl in the back):

And I definitley wore a hat like this at some point during my middle school Blossom/cowgirl phase:

And of course, nowadays, I always walk around letting it all hang out while wearing my best pearls:

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

"Kitty pregnant with Mindy"

is what is written on the back on this photo my dad gave me.

I don't know if she was smiling so much when this came out of her though.

Mother's Day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually quite nice. It's strange, the days you think are going to be awful are fine, and then some random day, not a holiday or a birthday or anything, you break down in the kosher chicken aisle at the grocery store.

*****************************

Leibya Rogers is officially a part of the gay community! Check it out!

Aliza: Yes. But fictitiously. And factually, too. Our break-up, in a sense, is a long narrative of truthful lies.

Boyfriend: What? What do you mean?

Aliza: I'm sorry, but I have to stay ambiguous for the sake...of the break-up.

Boyfriend: Wait, is this one of your "art" projects?! I told you from the beginning: don't involve 'us' in your 'art.' That's my deal breaker!

Aliza: I'm not! I don't love you anymore. It's over.

Boyfriend: Fine. This better be real though because I'm going to tell people.

Aliza: Fine. Good

Boyfriend: Oh...wait a minute. I get it! You're just telling me we're breaking up soI can tell EVERYONE about it. But really, the actual break-up will bethe product of everyone's reaction to this pseudo break-up. Nice try, but I'm not falling for it.

Aliza: Don't try to understand me, baby. You're not smart enough.

Boyfriend: Sorry. So...are we still together?

Aliza: Yes, but just as a concept.

Boyfriend: Can I f*ck you later?

Aliza: Yes. Except the vagina as a receiver of the dick is a total myth, so we'll have to experiment.

Boyfriend: Cool.

Aliza: Hey sweetie, will you grab that plastic over there and lay it out on the floor so I can bleed on it?

Friday, April 25, 2008

Thoughts from my legs

"Ahhhhh! I can see again! It's a miracle! Wait, were are my tights? My jeans? Those really ugly sweatpants I wear on Sundays? I'm so naked, yet so warm. Wow, this is really nice. Holy shit! Where the did all my hair go????!!!"