Kevin Frisch: 2008 -- it was historical and hysterical

Voter registration was up. The stock market was down. And everywhere we turned, someone seemed to be calling for change in 2008.

Jan. 1: As celebrants mark the beginning of a new year, the ball drops in New York’s Times Square. It will be far from the last time this year that something falls from sky-high to street level in Manhattan.

Jan. 2: U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey orders a formal criminal investigation into the destruction of CIA videotapes of the interrogation of two al-Qaeda suspects. The tapes reportedly included agency operatives using harsh interrogation techniques including stress positions, waterboarding and prolonged exposure to Jonas Brothers recordings.

Jan. 3: Barack Obama wins the Democratic caucus in Iowa, while Mike Huckabee wins the Republican caucus. On the Democratic side, John Edwards, who has not had an extramarital affair, finishes second. For the GOP, John McCain, who is not having a good night, finishes fourth.

Jan. 4: The year is not off to a good start for pop tart Britney Spears, who loses custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline a day after police and paramedics are called to her home.

Jan. 5: The judge has second thoughts and awards custody of Spears and Federline’s two sons to each other.

Jan. 7: While campaigning in Portsmouth, N.H., Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton responds to a question about how she stays so upbeat by bursting into tears. In response, rival Edwards says, “presidential campaigns are a tough business, but being president of the United States is also a very tough business. And the president of the United States is faced with very, very difficult challenges every single day, difficult judgments every single day. Like not having extramarital affairs.”

Jan. 8: Democratic presidential candidate Obama, who a week before the primary had a double-digit lead in the polls, responds to the New Hampshire primary results by bursting into tears.

Jan. 10: The world’s cheapest car, the tiny Nano, which costs just $2,500, is unveiled by India’s Tata Motors. It doesn’t sell well in the United States for the same reason other compact cars from that company have failed to do well here: the nation’s aversion to small Tatas.

Jan. 13: The Golden Globe Awards are unveiled but, because of the ongoing Hollywood writers’ strike, must be announced by Marcel Marceau Jr.

Jan. 15: Having campaigned on the “some jobs aren’t coming back to Michigan” platform, McCain is defeated by former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney in Michigan’s Republican primary.

Jan. 22: Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson wakes up long enough to withdraw from the campaign.

Jan. 30: Democrat Edwards, who has not had any extramarital affairs, and Republican Rudolph Guiliani, who has not had any extramarital affairs in years, drop out of the presidential race.

Feb. 1: With oil prices having eclipsed $100 a barrel, Exxon Mobil announces it has posted the largest annual profit by a U.S. company — $40.6 billion. Company executives do not even have the decency to look sheepish.

Feb. 5: McCain wins several states on Super Tuesday, including New York, after devout Mormon Romney fails to capture even Ontario and Wayne counties — the birthplace of Mormonism. On the Democratic side, Clinton and Obama trade victories and remain in a virtual tie for the Democratic nomination, launching a political soap opera of sorts that will play out over the coming months. Given their overall mutual respect for each other, we’ll call the soap “Generally Hospitable.” (Thanks, Bill, but we’ll pass on “One Wife to Give.”)

Feb. 10: At the 50th annual Grammy Awards, British singer/partier Amy Winehouse wins five awards including Record of the Year. More amazingly, she holds herself together long enough to perform an entire song.

Feb. 20: George W. Bush does something presidential. He must have, he was still the president.

Feb. 24: In an uncomfortably inauspicious omen for likely Republican presidential candidate John McCain, the Oscar for best picture goes to “No Country for Old Men.”

March 4: Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre says he’s “tired” and has decided to “retire.” Turns out he’s full of “soup.”

• When last we left Barack and Hillary, Hillary had suggested Barack was unequipped to answer a phone late at night. Barack was facing increased media scrutiny in the wake of a “Saturday Night Live” sketch lampooning his seemingly soft treatment by the press. Millions were being spent. All the chips were on the table for today’s “Mini-Super Tuesday.” Would the voters choose Barack? Or Hillary? The fickle voters again split their loyalties. It seemed the party would never choose a leader and, yet, the two hopefuls fought on: Tough. Determined. But remaining ... “Generally Hospitable.”

March 5: Having clinched the Republican presidential nomination the previous day, McCain visits the White House to pick up President Bush’s formal endorsement. This concludes the president’s campaigning efforts for McCain.

March 10: The New York Times reports that Gov. Eliot Spitzer recently personally delivered a $4,300 member item — in the form of payment to a call girl.

March 12: New York Gov. Eliot (leave off the last “t” for tawdry) Spitzer resigns. Wall Street reaction to the scandal is largely positive, due not only to an overall dislike of Spitzer amongst investment professionals but to the market’s general reaction to any effort to stimulate the economy.

March 18: Spitzer’s successor, Gov. David Paterson, clearly wanting to live up to the standard set by his predecessor, announces both he and his wife have had extramarital affairs.

March 21: James (Carville) has harsh words for Bill (Richardson), who has left Hillary (despite having had jobs in the Clinton administration) for Barack (whom he endorsed). It’s all part of the never-ending political saga known as ... “Generally Hospitable.”

March 25: Democratic presidential candidate Mike Gravel — I know; we were surprised to learn he was in the race, too! — leaves his party to run for the presidential nomination of the Libertarian Party. He doesn’t do any better there.

April 3: NATO opts not to put Georgia and the Ukraine on the fast track to becoming members after Russia employs a diplomatic maneuver known, technically, as a “hissy fit.”

April 14: Delta Air Lines Inc. and Northwest Airlines Corp., announce they are combining, forming a new company called Chapter 11 Airlines.

April 15: Pope Benedict XVI arrives for a 6-day tour of the United States. That score again: Benedict XVI, U.S. 6.

April 16: The Supreme Court upholds execution in the form of a lethal-injection method specified by 35 of the 36 states that have capital punishment. Unaffected by the ruling is Nebraska, which forces the condemned to listen to radio broadcasts of The Sean Hannity Show until it bores them to death.

April 18: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin gives birth to her fifth child. By year’s end, the procedure, in terms of discomfort, will rank second to her interview with Katie Couric.

April 21: Gasoline prices jump to a record $3.50 a gallon in the United States. Exxon Mobil executives walk around literally biting the insides of their cheeks in a vain attempt to not appear giddy.

April 22: Hillary is conflicted. On the one hand, her odds of capturing the Democratic presidential candidacy are increasingly thin. Is she not weakening her own party by remaining in the race? On the other hand, she is making history as the first woman to seriously compete for the nomination — and still has an outside shot at winning. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has advised super-delegates not to go back on their pledges. And an inter-party tête-à-tête may keep delegates from Florida and Michigan from being seated. But Pennsylvania — Pennsylvania! — delivers Hillary a decisive victory. How long will she hang on? And how will Barack respond? Tune in next time on ... “Generally Hospitable.”

April 24: Libertarian presidential candidate Mike Gravel leaves his party to run for the presidential nomination of the Individualistic Party of America. He doesn’t do any better there.

April 28: The first tax rebates from a $168 billion stimulus package are mailed out. President Bush lands a fighter jet outside the U.S. Treasury, which is festooned with a huge “Mission Accomplished” banner.

April 29: If drugs are supposed to be so bad for us, how is it that, on this date, Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann, who discovered LSD, dies at 102?

May 14: President Bush, arriving late in Israel to celebrate its 60th, is peeved to learn no one saved him any cake.

May 15: President Bush addresses the Israeli Knesset: “I’m happy for your achievement but, again, Condi said there’d be cake.”

May 17: Individualistic Party of America presidential candidate Mike Gravel leaves his party to run for the presidential nomination of the National Association of Mortgage Brokers.

May 20: A victory in Oregon gives Obama the majority of pledged delegates. Barack: “I’ve won.” Hillary: “It’s too soon.” Barack: “But the delegates ...” Hillary: “Not yet.” Barack: “Then you’re ... not with me?” Hillary: “I need time.” Will the candidates ever find common ground? Will they end up on the same ticket? And, most importantly, will they remain ... “Generally Hospitable”?

May 21: David Cook wins “American Idol” in a landslide over David Archuleta and Society for the Prevention of Tobacco-Induced Diseases presidential candidate Mike Gravel.

May 22: Indiana Jones returns to the big screen in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Truss.”

May 25: NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander arrives to begin its search for water on Red Planet. Or crude oil.

May 30: Ignored by the media since winning his party’s nomination, John McCain reprises an old American Express television campaign in a new ad: “Do you know me? I won the Republican nomination for president three months ago.”

June 3: Newly announced super-delegate endorsements help Obama clinch the Democratic presidential nomination. Will Hillary concede? Will Barack declare victory? Will Bill’s head explode? For the answers to these and other heart-palpitating questions, tune in next time to ... “Generally Hospitable.”

June 4: Great Moments in Corporate Foresight, Vol. I: General Motors begins closing four pickup and SUV factories as it tries to adjust to consumers’ desires for smaller cars amid higher gas prices.

June 7: “Generally Hospitable” wraps for the season. Hillary ends her presidential campaign and throws her support to Barack. She famously remarks that her campaign made “18 million cracks in the glass ceiling,” a reference to the votes she received; not the amount of money her campaign is in debt.

June 26: The Supreme Court upholds the right to bear arms in the case of District of Columbia v. Heller. The decision clarifies rulings in several earlier cases, including Hatfield v. McCoy, Bunny v. Fudd and Cheney v. Unlucky Hunting Partner.

July 10: The 2008 Green Party National Convention opens in Chicago, attracting party faithful in the tens of dozens.

July 11: It seems like only five and half months ago that oil was selling for $147 a barrel.

July 24: Great Moments in Corporate Foresight, Vol. II: After posting the worst quarterly performance in its history by losing $8.67 billion, the Ford Motor Co. announces plans to quickly change focus from trucks to small cars.

Aug. 8: Oops — despite repeated claims to the contrary, former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards admits he did indeed have an extramarital affair. But he denies fathering the woman-in-question’s child. He does, after all, have some scruples.

Aug. 8: The XXIX Olympics open in Beijing with the ceremonial lighting of the torch, the parade of participating athletes and the Official 2008 Olympics Song: “Welcome, Athletes and Visitors From Around the World; Stay in the Designated Sections of the City and Do Not Politicize the Games.”

Aug. 10: American swimmer Michael Phelps wins the first of a record eight gold medals in his debut event, the men’s 200-meter total immersion freestyle double trudgen crawl with scissor kick and optional arm swimmies.

Aug. 14: Hoping to score political points off high fuel prices, congressional Republicans blast opponents who won’t back opening more U.S. land to oil exploration as “the do-nothing, drill-nothing Democrat(s).”

Aug. 23: Democratic presidential candidate Obama introduces his running mate, the man who will help him bring about the change that has been his campaign mantra: Joe Biden of Delaware, who has been in the U.S. Senate since Obama was 12 years old.

Aug. 24: The XXIX Olympics come to a close. That means the countdown has started and I, for one, can’t wait for 2012 and the XXX Olympics.

Aug. 28: Speaking at Mile High Stadium in front of a Democratic crowd of more than 84,000, Obama accepts his party’s nomination for president of the United States. He also says something about change.

Aug. 29: Republican presidential candidate McCain picks the little known — then — governor of Alaska as his running mate. He says Sarah Palin is a reformer, just like him. He does not say that she is a tad short on political experience, just like Obama.

Sept. 1: In an uncomfortably inauspicious omen, the first day of the Republican National Convention in St. Paul is largely canceled because Category 3 Hurricane Gustav is bearing down on the U.S. Gulf Coast.

Sept. 4: In formally accepting his party’s nomination for president, Republican candidate McCain says he has been tested. He doesn’t say for what but he looks pretty healthy.

Sept. 7: Troubled mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are placed in government conservatorship under a new program called Crappie Move.

Sept. 15: In an uncomfortably inauspicious omen, Republican presidential candidate McCain chooses to offer a bit of his standard stump speech — “the fundamentals of our economy are strong” — on the day the Dow Jones Industrial Average drops more than 500 points and global financial-services firm Lehman Brothers files for bankruptcy.

Sept. 24: Republican presidential candidate McCain “suspends” his campaign so that he can address the nation’s financial meltdown. He does neither convincingly.

• "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken confirms he’s gay. In related stories, Prince Charles confirms he’s British, the Pacific confirms it is an ocean and the sun confirms it is the source of all our heat.

Sept. 26: Back on the campaign trail with the nation’s financial meltdown ... um ... addressed, Republican presidential candidate McCain refuses to look at or acknowledge Democratic counterpart Obama during the first of their three debates. A majority of viewers find Obama more “substantive” on the issues and McCain more of “a big fat meanie.”

Oct. 2: At their one and only debate, vice presidential candidates Democrat Biden and Republican Palin clash over the war in Iraq, the financial crisis and whether to actually answer the moderator’s questions.

Oct. 3: With some minor alterations, the $700 billion bailout plan is approved by Congress and signed by President Bush. It’s January 2009; do you know where your bailout-designated tax dollars are?

Oct. 12: In a campaign encounter with an unlicensed, out-of-work plumber named Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, Obama explains how his tax plan would affect small businesses, adding, “I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” Bad move, Barack.

Oct. 15: Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher is transformed during the third presidential debate by McCain into “Joe the Plumber,” everyday working stiff who would be crushed by Obama’s onerous tax plan. Joe becomes a mainstay of conservative news programs down the presidential home stretch and even campaigns with McCain on the stump. There might even have been talk of a Cabinet post were there such a thing as Secretary of Plumbing.

Oct. 24: Obama’s “spread the wealth around” quote is used repeatedly by Joe the Plumber and the McCain campaign to compare his policies to socialism. How a revised tax plan is socialism but the shifting of $700 billion tax dollars to private industry is not, remains unexplained.

Oct. 27: In the midst of a tough re-election race, Alaska’s Sen. Ted Stevens is convicted of corruption charges. He tells a campaign crowd, “we’ve got ’em right where we want ’em.”

Oct. 29: Trailing three games to one in the best-of-seven World Series, the Tampa Bay Rays fall behind 4-3 in the seventh inning of Game 5. Says Rays Manager Joe Maddon, “we’ve got ’em right where we want ’em.”

Nov. 15: At a Washington, D.C., summit, leaders of the G20 nations pledge to better regulate global financial markets. In a related story, farmers who have had their cows get away pledge to close their barn doors.

Nov. 19: CEOs of the Big Three auto companies come before Congress to request federal assistance. Unfortunately, they make the mistake of flying in on private corporate jets, hiring stretch limos complete with stocked bars and buffets to pick them up at the airport, booking presidential suites at four-star hotels, and being transported to the Capitol in modified Hummers that run on a combination of caviar and an oil secreted by endangered Zimbabwe rhinos. Congressional leaders, never amused by anyone more profligate than they, delay a bailout decision.

Dec. 1: Boy, the Dow sure is touchy. Let a little bit of bad news come along, like the National Bureau of Economic Research declaring that the United States has been in a recession since December 2007, and the Dow gets all in a snit, in this case dropping 679 points.

Dec. 3: CEOs of the Big Three auto companies, returning to Congress to seek federal assistance, demonstrate they are suitably chastened by giving one another piggyback rides to Washington.

Dec. 9: Eliot Spitzer faces some late competition in the Worst Governor of the Year running, as Illinois Gov. Rod “Bleeping” Blagojevich is charged with conspiracy, fraud and bribery after allegedly scheming to sell his appointment to the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. Blagojevich declares his innocence in a press conference that, owing to his language, can only be shown on the 11 p.m. news.

Dec. 14: During a news conference in Baghdad, President Bush has to duck to avoid shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist, Muntadar al-Loafer.

Dec. 16: New York Gov. David Paterson outlines a proposed 2009-10 state budget that, in an effort to close a multi-billion-dollar deficit, includes new or increased taxes on, among other things, cable television, wine, cigarettes, beer and massages, meaning my weekends are about to get a lot more expensive.

Dec. 25: The nation sets aside concerns about the economy, the future and politics for one special day to reflect on the importance of family and friends. And to watch basketball.

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