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I have not posted in some time. My commitment to post at least every Sunday has dwindled with an increase in clients.

My goal is to reach as many people as I can, because I love this work. Among some grumbles that I should not offer my services for free, I have decided that is exactly what I’m going to continue to do.

I admire people who charge what they want, and also people who do things for free, because they want to. There is no right/wrong in my view, just what works for each individual where they are at.

Right now, I’m growing personally, building content and living a heart of service. Some day this may change. For now, it’s perfect as it is.

Everyone I work with helps me learn and grow. I learn different ways to share messages, different ways to see things and rarely, but at times, have some who erupt.

In the past, I have felt guilty or responsible for someone else’s eruption. Like regardless of their behavior, if things erupt, then I must have some part in their eruption. Worse, I worried someone else’s eruption was entirely my fault.

I have learned, that manipulators will twist events; precisely to shift blame; in hopes to make you feel responsible, for their eruptions.

What was harder for me to see was how when I erupted, the damage this caused. And that at times I was the manipulator, the bully and the aggressor even though I saw myself as the victim. Ouch! To this realization.

Being defensive, in denial, or not listening to people who had the courage to tell me how I was showing up for them; kept me stuck. It prevented me from being able to see my behavior and change.

I want to change. I admire people who can be vulnerable enough to accept and own their part in conflict. It is such a rare quality in our highly charged and angry culture. Time just did a great article about this (link below).

As I’ve matured, I understand most people who judge, gossip, and act immature, are not very open to being responsible for their part.

They have a strong internal judge, so when someone shares how they feel, their own internal judge only hears judgment or criticism.

These undertandings have come from my own immature shortfalls and trials. As I am willing to embrace and take ownership, then realizations and deeper undertanding blooms.

The greater my own understanding, the deeper my compassion, the more likely I’m willing to be tolerant of others, and the less likely I’m the spark of an eruption.

Sometimes, when another’s demands are too great I’m comfortable intentionally being the spark.

You may know those people that you just know when you set a boundary you are going to get unloaded on. They have a list of excuses for their behavior, and by the end they are attacking you, while accusing you of being the attacker.

When I behaved this way, it’s because I did believe I was a victim. So I saw anyone who hurt my feelings as an “attacker”. I was overly sensitive of how I believe I was being treated while also being totally insensitive of how I was treating others.

I like to share these vulnerabilities, and processes in hopes to lend support to someone who’s been erupted on, for someone who wants to stop being an eruptor, and for anyone that wishes to change from wherever they are at right now.

I want to be mindful when I’m clinging to old immature ways. These old ways keep me stuck, focused on what “they” do wrong, and spending far too much energy on how “they suck, all the reasons I don’t like them and a list of justifications for my poor behavior and how it’s their fault for what they’ve done to ME.”

I’m so joyful I don’t choose to live in this dark circle of dog chasing tail thinking anymore.

It’s taken almost 20 years to break this cycle and it’s so hard for some of us to do. It was very hard for me. I was so raw and wounded, it took a long time to have enough strength in my own self worth to sit with the discomfort of my own part in conflict.

I want to remember how long it took me, and how hard it is, so I can maintain tolerance and acceptance of where others may be in their journey. So many were tolerant of my slow growth!

I also want to keep being authentic and not allow someone else’s judgment or eruptions to stifle my need for partnership.

At this time in my life, partnership, equanimity and authenticity are very important to me. I’ve spent a lifetime bending to what I thought others wanted or expected from me, often to my own erosion of self confidence. So now I’m willing to bend and stretch, in order to grow and evolve not for my own or others ego demands.

I want to be loving in all my interactions. I am still working on this. When I feel over taxed, I’m learning to use humor instead of erupting.

I love the 12 step programs because Step 10 teaches us that when we are wrong, we promptly admit it. It also says we do not drift into morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others.

For me this means, don’t apologize for being self centered by being self centered and beating self up for a mistake because that is just more self centered focus that keeps us from showing up and being of service!

So own your part! It’s rather liberating. Then take action and do something different. Don’t say “I’m sorry”, listen to what people say they want from you, and if it’s reasonable and will help you grow as a person, then swallow your pride and take action to deliver what they’ve asked for.

Try it for one week and see how much it changes your relationships. Start with someone it’s easy to do it with or your kids. Grow from there!

Part of my training – lighten up and have fun. Tough for a precrastinator!

That’s someone who plans ahead for procrastination 🤣.

I am now setting aside time for humor in my life! A sort of to do list on how to have fun 🤣.

This intention or declaration to have fun, has started to come more naturally. This is possible by giving intention to the practice of choosing to witness, but not react to my anxiety, when things seem to go sideways according to MY plan.

At my age, it’s become even more important for me to remain neuroflexible and nimble.

Ever meet those aging people so fixed in their ways, and thinking, it’s like dealing with an ironclad resistant wall of inflexibility? Enjoy their company much?

Giving intention to being easier to be around as I age; more flexible, less serious, more childlike, and to enjoy life.

These past seven years have been full of heavy outside pressure including our daughter having a 50/50 chance of living. She survived.

Since then I have given intention to understanding if I can learn to be joyful at this heaviest part of my life (legal issues, financial hardship, possible loss of a child, personal hospitalization and major health issues; including 4 major surgeries in a 5 year span) then the life would be more enjoyable.

So when life has been the hardest for me, I’ve dug in deep to learn the pratcial application of joyful living.

We all say we want joy and the minute things seem like they may not go our way, what is the first thing we give up?

I’m learning that’s ok too! I don’t judge my emotions. I just notice them. I just acknowledge them. I don’t need to pray them away, try to make them go away, feel bad for feeling this way, or wallow in them.

Like our daughter lived. Why not play this memory over and over and talk it about over and over? This thought pattern brings forth gratitude and warm fuzzies! Do we use our thinking mind to relive the juicy stuff or the shitty stuff?

I register, my thinking mind is a resource. I can misuse it to spend days on that one jerk who did such and such and gloss right over the wonder of all that has gone well in our lives!

Or I can laugh at this foolish insanity without judgment. It is the human condition. I don’t have to feel shame or guilt over being human anymore!

“FREEDOM from the bondage of self”!

Instead of using my time complaining to my friends, I make an effort to spend most of time, thanking them for their awesomeness. Sometimes with words, but usually with actions of service.

Inversely, when my emotions run hot, I share them frankly. No glossy positive or fake spin (like this funny meme).

Just an honest and quick burp of emotions, and then a decision and personal choice to shift intentions.

Not because I think I should. Simply because I decide I want to.

Sometimes I decide to run hot and I own it. I say “I’m annoyed and I want to be. I can choose to shift my thoughts and end my suffering. I am not ready to. I’m mad as hell and I’m hanging onto it…. for now!” I own me; all of me. “The messy stuff is part of my worth too” as Pema Chodron would say.

My heart is one of service – to my own health and state of mind first! This is not selfish, as my thinking mind used to torment me with. For me this is self-care.

I show compassion for me. As a result, these things can now spring forward toward others.

This is all a choice. I keep choosing the way of love over and over. As a result, I have never felt more love in my life then I do now.

Although, there are a few people who believe I should be punished, I don’t hate them or react to them. I feel sad when they attempt to threaten our family. Then I go back to being present for our family.

Our children want a present mom and dad; not distracted parents. Although, I have more justification now then ever to defend being distracted, I’ve chosen the opposite course.

How can I stay even more present in the face of this potential loss?

These are my personal intentions. I hope for all of you that you can set your own personal intentions, grounded in love, because the joy and lack of suffering I now experience are amazing and wonderfull.

All but a flash pan moment are gone the days of depression, anxiety, anger, repression, emotional numbness and intense internal criticism.

They are all there, for little short bursts only. Instead of “I can’t believe I reacted this way again or feel this way again” I say “wow I remember this feeling, how cool it’s been so long since it’s visited and wow isn’t that wonderful. I’m depressed. I must need rest. I must need to support myself more today; what does that look like for me?”

Life is hard. I’m learning suffering over those hardships is a choice.

In reality, life is but a dream.

Each moment is no longer reality, it’s gone as though it never really existed except for the meaning I choose for it to live on within my thinking mind.

People often ask how they can shift their life. There are probably as many ways to create a shift, as there are people on the planet. In all these variations, one thing seems to be constant, the ability to look at things in a different way.

Have we ever noticed how easy it is to say what we don’t want? Many of us do this. Just listen to others. Notice how easily they pick holes in what is wrong or what they don’t like? How often do we start with “I don’t want” statements? How often is it only until we are fueled by anger, do we have the ability to speak up! How often do we speak up from a place of anger? Why is that?

Psychologist Tim Kasser, author of The High Price of Materialism, concluded the pursuit of materialistic values (money, possessions, and social status) leads to lower well-being and more distress in individuals.