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Saturday, December 31, 2011

The looking back post..

As I sift through the reflections of friends and bloggers scattered along the internet I can’t help but be reminded of all that I went through this year. This has probably been the most transitional year of my life- but yet I still feel as though I’m stuck in the same place.
The beginning of the year seemed to start much like any other, I was still struggling to teach at the yoga studio though I had a few students that did come on the regular they eventually faded away. One moving to Virginia, and one whom I was especially friendly with who just didn’t come back. As I’ve said a million times in the past, teaching yoga has always been a big struggle for me- and then these two woman came to my class one night.. They seemed to enjoy the class and even said that would be back the next week- Though I didn’t truly believe them as I’ve had many people say that in the past… But the next week they came- and in the months following they even brought friends along with them- and have been coming ever since..
I had really injured my ankle the September before and was still struggling to heal when the teacher training for the Yogaslackers grew closer and closer. They needed an answer by Valentines day- and although I really wanted to go there were always excuses why I shouldn’t go… Eventually with a bit of convincing on their parts I made the decision to go- which was the beginning of the biggest changes. Before I was to leave- I quit my waitressing job and let me tell you there was no better feeling than being free of that place. It was as if a chain had been broken away from me and I was finally free to be the person I was meant to be.
Training was not only the longest amount of time that I would ever be away from family, friends and James- but also the farthest I had ever traveled.. on the complete other side of the country- the place I always knew I would love and want to call home. I drove to Delaware to meet up with some friends before flying out to California…
I had no idea what the training would hold. I knew that it was going to be something incredible and challenging- but I didn’t know that it would literally change my life and perspective.
When I got back to RI after training James and I separated. There was much talk of getting a divorce and eventually I moved into my own apartment. This also meant that I had to go crawling back to Denny’s and beg for a job back that I hated- to afford everything.. I had never lived alone- ever. I hated every single moment of it, though it was good for me to see that I really could make it on my own.. Luckily I had Hydro to keep me company- many nights watching Netflix and snuggled with me in bed. James and I still kept contact and hung out- knowing that being friends would be one of the harder things to do.. but that it was really important to us. Over the next 3 months it became clear that although there were things that needed to change in our relationship, neither one of us was ready to throw in the towel. Eventually we decided to give things another go and work on the things that needed to change.
By the time my birthday came around in November I was basically living back home, and finally finished moving all of my stuff back mid December. Meanwhile I started to see a Holistic Counselor, Stacy… which has been one of the more challenging things I’ve dealt with. While I know that there are so many things that I need to work out it can be really hard to deal with these things. Stuff that happened in my childhood that have molded me into the person that I am today- and while I do believe that I am a good person I know there are many things that I can improve.