Monday, February 25, 2008

Pyra musing...

So now i’m bringing my laptop to school again. makes taking notes a hell of a lot easier, a bit more organized, and means that I can blog/write assignments for other classes during “down time”. Right now I’m just sitting in a lecture and being sort of bored. I absolutely despise some of my classes, it seems very silly and common sense to me.. I understand that it is stuff that I need to know for my chosen career, but at the same time, it’s stuff that if you having survived in society thus far.. they really should choose a different field of work.

I was thinking that maybe, instead of writing letters to Bear, I’ll just blog here... it’s pretty much the same thoughts, and I can take notes efficiently while I blog..whereas I can’t when I’m writing on paper.

so, about Bear.. I met him on Friday for our date (I LOVE that he considers cuddling on the couch and watching a movie, a date). it was amazing... I had a hard time believing he was actually there, and when it finally felt real.. he was going to be leaving soon. I wish I had more time with him.. like... all my time.
I have never felt like something was so ... right! before. usually when getting into any sort of relationship, hell, even friendship. I have to sit around and think about all the things I have to give up for that person. this time, I don’t care. I honestly don’t care what I have to give up for him... I’d give up anything for him.
I’m dreading telling Ty that I’m actually dating him... I don’t want to lose the friendship.. I’m scared to death to lose the friendship... he’s been part of my life for so long... but he’s never really (really!) seen me with someone else. I’m just very very scared. I mean... I don’t think that’s what will happen. Ty will be able to accept it... although it may be difficult. I mean, we broke up a long time ago, and now he’s still claiming some sort of power over my life. The ONLY reason that I don’t want to just flat out tell him, is because I know for a fact that he’s going to bring up the trip to London... he did drive me there to pick Bear up, but honestly, it wasn’t my intention at that time to get together with him. I liked him.. but friendship was all I was after. Things changed so quickly after that though, and now I’m scared that Ty will think I was lying to him about my intentions with Bear.

*SIGH*

I’m sort of upset about my financial situation at the moment. I was so sick that I missed almost a month’s work... and used up all my savings in the process. I got my credit card bills and almost died. my credit cards are strictly for school expenses, and I’ve been pretty good at at least paying my minimum, because I know that I’m going to pay them down fairly quickly once I start working again. so I haven’t been worried up til now. if I can’t pay my minimum, then my phone bill doesn’t get paid.. if my phone bill doesn’t get paid it gets cut off... if my phone gets cut off... I don’t get to talk to Bear anymore... that’s what this comes down to. I don’t care about debt... it’ll go away and I can pay it off... but I need to be able to talk to Bear.

I look into his eyes and I can actually see a future with him. I have never felt so close to someone so quickly... and I have never felt so strongly about someone in my life.

He has amazing eyes... and long eyelashes that I wish I had ; the cutest dimples EVER... I like just playing with his hair... I couldn’t help but hug him while I was laying with him on my couch. I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around him and just cuddling. I love that he didn’t try to rush me.. I love that he loves to cuddle too. I love that he’s ok with JUST cuddling... even if it doesn’t lead to something. I love that he watched my favourite movie with me and actually liked it! I love his tummy... even though he made it sound like it wasn’t perfect *pokes his tummy*. I love his sense of humour... cause it’s so much like mine. I love his smile.. and how his eyes seem to light up when he looks into mine. I love that he walks at a completely different pace than me because otherwise I’d have nothing to tease him about!
I love that my parents like him... it makes things so much simpler.
I love that he’s coming to see me on Thursday... and I love that it doesn’t scare me anymore how close we’ve gotten, so quickly. it doesn’t scare me at all actually. I’m letting myself fall and loving how free it feels.

I told him the songs that make me think of him.. there are more. I should write a list.
I love him... so much. *holds him tight* I can’t wait to see where this goes