This High-Tech 'Smart' Penis Ring Will Not Make You Better in Bed

Sorry.

Sorry, no dick ring can teach you how to have sex like a normal person. (Photo via bondara.co.uk)

If you’re unsure of whether or not you’re good at sex, a new device might be just what you need to figure it out get even worse at boning.

Called SexFit, this “smart sex toy” is basically a “penile pedometer that tracks your performance during intercourse,” the Daily Dot reports:

“SexFit has two basic functions: It’s a standard cock ring that constricts the flow of blood to your member during sex, thus allowing you to maintain an erection for longer, and it’s also a sexual fitness tracker that measures your performance between the sheets, via a free wireless app that connects to the ring via Bluetooth.”

So how do you even measure sex performance? The SexFit keeps track of thrusts per minute and how many calories you’ve burned. It also vibrates in time with your thrusts. If you diverge from the rhythm you’ve been keeping, it will vibrate violently to try and get you back on track.

It’s pretty weird. When people are talking about sexual performance, they aren’t usually saying, “He was great, I’m pretty sure he kept up a steady 46 thrusts per minute the entire time and he managed to burn 200 calories.” But hey, it’s probably more effective than Spreadsheets, which really only measures how loud people in the room are screaming during the alleged sex act.

We’re not sure measuring one’s performance between the sheets using a smart dick ring is necessary anyway; what ever happened to a good old-fashioned “was it good for you?”

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