After an entire career in PR and a bit of time on the fringes of politics, I have accumulated a boatload of lifetime learning credits toward my PhD in Spin. (You may have heard me say before that my husband recognizes I can tell people to go to hell and leave them looking forward to the trip.) In other words, I can sling it with the best of them.

I’m working on a travel brochure for the Path Valley Hotel and I’m thinking I should be doing some of my very best work on my own behalf, don’t you agree? Before the big reveal of what I’m sure will be an award-winning bait-and-switch masterpiece, I wanted to share a few sneak peeks just with you, my dear close friends (and the rest of you blog-reading strangers).

Brochure copy: Melt into our quiet getaway. Translation: We have no AC here and get no TV reception. We’re also 17 miles from WalMart.

Brochure copy: Immerse yourself in rustic charm. Translation: We only have one bathroom and it has a really old tub. (But it can accommodate two guests at a time.)

Brochure copy: Our guests have unlimited access to artistic expression and cultural enrichment. Translation: I keep a box of crayons in the drawer and you can watch my daughter’s old dance recital videos anytime you like.

Brochure copy: Enjoy fabulous views of the water from every room. Translation: We have a lot of fish bowls here. My favorite watertight resident is my beta buddy Dewey who swims back and forth across his beach chair while I do dishes every night. His tank can be illuminated from the bottom so I will probably incorporate something in the brochure later about our fabulous light shows.

Brochure copy: Renew your spirit as you visit our wildlife retreat. Translation: We have a bird bath and some feeders and oh, a salt lick on a stump.

Brochure copy: The kitchen is always open for sumptuous home-cooked meals prepared just the way you like them. Translation: Pack a lunch or bring some groceries. I’ll leave the light on for you.