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In which we receive a LOT of letters

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Dear Daniel,

We here at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Duke, Stanford, Brown, Haverford, SMU, USC, Northwestern, UNC, Williams, Washington University, etc., etc., etc. KNOW that you’ve worked hard to get where you are today. How do we know? We’ve seen your PSAT scores and yes, they’re impressive.

Because of that, we think that YOU should be at our school. Because of our strong feelings about this, we’ve cut down about a million trees to send these mailings out to you. And yes, I realize that this is the hundredth such letter you’ve received but let me tell you why THIS school, and no other, is THE college for you.

First Daniel, we are looking for the best and the brightest. How else could we manage to reject thousands of applicants every spring? Sadly, even amongst the best and the brightest, there’s not room for them all. But don’t let that stop you from applying to our fine academic institution. We want our students to be able to grow in an environment of trust, respect, and honor. Unfortunately, you will probably not be accepted into this environment but surely Daniel, do not let that type of rationale limit the application process.

Why every year, we graduate lifelong learners. LIFELONG DANIEL! They never fucking stop learning. The first lesson you’ll learn, if your experience is anything like your sisters, is that getting your hopes up and getting all excited to get into a particular college is A VERY BAD IDEA! Why Daniel? Because with 29,000 applicants for 1600 spots there is a very SLIM chance that you will be chosen to attend our fine institution. But Daniel, please don’t let that stop you. Without people like you applying and thus allowing us to reject kids in record numbers, we won’t be able to move up the US News & World Reports list of America’s Best Colleges so Daniel, please keep those applications coming!

So Daniel, take a moment to consider what Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Duke, Stanford, Brown, Haverford, SMU, USC, Northwestern, UNC, Williams, Washington University, etc., etc., etc. has to offer a student with your record of achievement. Here, challenging academics, opportunities and an ideal location for a college community converge for an exceptional experience. EXCEPTIONAL DAMN IT!

With 5 undergraduate schools and over 100 academic majors and minors, you will have plenty of options. You can even – GASP – double major if you seriously want your college experience to suck.

Daniel, we want to work with YOU as you embark on your college admission process and we can’t wait to hear from you.

29 Comments

I think this letter was perfection.
Ohh.. double major? Please, can I?
And if, for some miraculous reason you DO get accepted, enjoy it while it lasts because the odds of you landing a job for anything remotely close to what you studied for (if any job at all) especially if you study the, ah-hem.. ARTS… is slim to fucking none… but good luck with that!Lady Estrogen recently posted..Im Not Perfect

I remember when I started applying to universities here in the UK almost 3 years ago now, it was a complete nightmare and very similar to what you’ve described here! I hope that Daniel find chosing a university easy and that things aren’t too stressful for you in the application process!Harriet recently posted..25 More Debt Written Off By Banks

They will be but it’s the third time around so we have learned to not have expectations

Brad Procton

March 23, 2011

Dear Daniel:

We regret to inform you that your application for State Lab Approval has been denied due to the many requests for such facilities. In order to properly design and construct such a facility please complete no less than 15 College Applications in order to prove your worthiness. Along with your Application Fee of $200.00 to each school please include 25 references as well as no less than 10 Extra-curricular activities that you feel will illustrate your determination to develop a State of the Art Laboratory in our esteemed state.

We look forward to hearing about your progress and seeing your re-application in 4 years.

Thank you for your time and effort we look forward to rejecting your application at a later date.

Joe Yakenfloster, MEd, QRS, TUV and a whole lot of other meaningless letters
Chief Administrator
State Board of Rejections

I thought it was bad dealing with middle school angst, etc. Glad I have another few years before we’re sorting letters from colleges. Did just watch a screening of “Race to Nowhere” last night, though, so this topic was timely. “EXCEPTIONAL DAMN IT!” Ha, Ha!

Probably one of the best decisions I ever made was to apply to a state school. I was overqualified and there was little question they would accept me. Back then, they didn’t even care about your SAT scores. In my profession though, it doesn’t matter where you go – once you pass the licensure exam, it doesn’t matter if you went to Harvard or the University of Buttfuck at Hayseed.

Things are just so competitive right now…even state schools. But the sheer amount of letters he’s gotten, and he’s a junior, is ridiculous.

Redshoes51

March 23, 2011

I’m of the opinion that one can get from a college education/experience, what one puts into it. I teach at a small four-year school here in Mississippi… We aren’t Harvard, or Yale, or Ole Miss, or LSU… but the number two person in charge at UPS graduated with an undergraduate degree from here. Think of all of the high-powered diplomas and degrees that he oversees on a daily basis…

That letter sure boosts one confidence in applying for college. 29,000 applicants and only 1,600 will be accepted, oh please can I apply so you can turn me down. Umm…no thanks, but that’s just me. I went the easy way and went to the local community college for my AA and now I am at the overpriced, underfunded state college where they continue to cut classes.

I can feel my own disappointment all over again over some of the really big schools. Man they make you feel like you have a chance. And then you realize that you are one of a majillion kids applying from NY and that like 1 kid gets into all of the schools. And then you get into one and it costs more money than you have ever thought of and demands your first born child and all your future money. I am so glad I’ve got a little time!Brittany {Mommy Words} recently posted..The Knight Bangs the Princess

And it’s so ridiculous now…we get sooo many letters while they actively recruit my child but we have been there twice and they mostly just slam the door shut in your face. On the other hand, I have two at Duke so it’s not all terrible.