Weekend Update - News Jokes

I won't lie to you. I've fallen behind on writing Weekend Update style jokes lately. This whole job, wife and kids thing keeps getting in the way. However it is time to start taking it seriously again, so here we go:​

Astronaut Peggy Whitson now holds the record for the American to spend the longest amount of time in space, having spent 535 in orbit. When asked how long she plans to stay for, she said she’s hopefully looking at a return in 2020 but it could be as late as 2024.

A lawyer for the Kentucky doctor dragged off a United flight told the airlines that an apology doesn’t help his client because apologies won’t pay legal fees.

A 600 year old tree in New Jersey was taken down this week after being declared dead, which is 599 years longer than it probably wanted to stay in New Jersey.

The Museum of Ice Cream opened this week in Los Angeles and it features a room filled with bananas and a pool full of sprinkles. Is it me or does this sound more like a theme room at that shady airport motel than a museum?

Returning from a two month trip, a woman walked into her New York City apartment this week to find a pigeon nesting in her pasta strainer. And she thought she’d have to go shopping when she returned <picture of a cooked pigeon and eggs>.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring at the end of the 2017 NASCAR season. First on his agenda in retirement? Turning right.