Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

I have seem that Deadspin has published 2 e mails that I sent previously to Drew Magary in response to a prior story of his Those e-mails were mistakenly sent from a work e - mail account and I wanted to apologize for that. The views I expressed were not written on behalf of or representative of the American Arbitration Association .Paul Gilligan

Let's make that very clear: the American Arbitration Association does not believe "THE WORLD LAUGHS AT DOUCHE BAGS LIKE YOU." It is not the official position of the American Arbitration Association that "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW BIG A DICK YOU ARE." "WHAT A DOUCHE BAG YOU ARE – 10 TIMES OVER": that's not the official stance of the American Arbitration Association. Now, for the rest of the letters.

Some people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the…
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From: Sacha Jones
To: Drew Magary

i read your article on the patriots and have a few things to say:

1) you said 'if i hear one more goddamn boston fan say "this may be the least likable team in red sox history" i'll shit in their coffee', well go ahead and shit in my coffee then, because the most recent red sox team WAS the least likable in red sox history. boom. oh, by the way, i don't drink coffee. i drink from a sports flask so you're gonna have a hard time taking a shit in that, so why don't you just pee in there instead-mind your penis or i'll have to cut it off and take such joy in doing so because your sense of self satisfaction is unjust-just like tom 'look how sexy i am' brady. also, i can pretty much guarantee if you said that up in boston, you'd either be dead or in a coma because that's like the equivalent of saying 'i love the yankees' (i HATE the yankees, almost as much as i do you at this point) and i am NOT diseased! go talk to a leper! oh and the only reason i say i'm smarter than you is because i AM smarter than you, not because bill belichick is smarter than you (which he is, he's smarter than both of us, but mostly you). i hope to one day be a journalist-if i ever hear you say i and fellow boston fans 'colonise the media' i am going to ram my nike hi-tops so far up your ass you won't shit for a month.

2) pats fans became pats fans in the 1990's because of DREW FUCKING BLEDSOE and bill parcells! not in the 2000's because of tom 'look how sexy i am' brady and bill belichick. get off your high horse and stop being such a smug ass bastard because you think you know it all about us-newsflash-YOU DON'T! if you so much as think you know all about us boston fans, i am going to come to your house and cut your penis off while you sleep and then get the fucking mafia on you-so watch out!

3) i admit our defence is pretty stupid, but we are not going to lose again to eli goddamn manning, even if i have to kill eli and put all the blame on you for you to die under the death penalty.

4) still going on about spygate? we moved past that ages ago. it's gone, just like bountygate for the saints. get over it. i swear to fucking god, if you show that level of disrespect ever again-by bringing up something so petulant after all this time, it's been 5 goddamn years!-i am going to come to your house drug you force you to rape your own mother and then shoot you between the eyes

lastly, you are an ignorant asshole. your critique of my team was nothing short of pathetic. i wasn't born into pats fandom, i acquired it aged 18. i am also sox fan. i watch pats games all the time and listen to them even when I'm in my college lectures and when a sox game is on. good night and have a pleasant tomorrow-also, go fuck yourself!

For the past three decades, Mike Wilbon has earned a living barely disguising his contempt for you, …
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From: Jeff Arnold
To: Drew Magary

Why do you feel that you need to stick up for your friend? I'm sure since he is super blogger extraordinaire, he can defend himself. And I'm sure he can do it without all the f-bombing, but you need the f-bombs for deadspin's sake I guess. I assume if Wilbon responds to your blog, you will post it to your site. If not, you're a gutless fraud as well.

The NFL looks down upon premeditated celebrations, but it seems that restriction doesn't apply …
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From: Aaron Rusnak
To: Tim Burke

From it: "There was actually a good amount of debate online regarding whether the music was played by NBC or if it was just the MetLife Stadium music coming through especially loud on NBC's stadium microphones-with some arguing that since the music came through on the overseas ESPN America feed, it couldn't have been NBC's doing."

1) Giants were on the road
2) ESPN America simulcasts all their shit. They simply show the NBC feed.

Albert,
I base my recipes on the name of the dish: chili con carne. It is not chili con frijoles, frijoles con carne, or chili con carne con frijoles. Nor is it chili con carne con pasta, or chili con maize. I'm flexible, but not illiterate; take your clues from the meaning of the words, themselves. Turkey chili is an abomination. My chili will make you sweat, but that's just a matter of personal preference. It's neither elaborate, nor exotic. As it should be, it's an economical, basic, easily prepared meal.
JC

From: Albert Burneko
To: JC

So, am I correct then that you just put a chili pepper and some meat on a plate together and eat them? Or do you permit yourself to put, I dunno, salt in it? Or liquid?

Because I hate to point it out to you, but it's not chili con salt. It's not chili con salt or chili con carne con salt, or chili con carne con beer, or chili con carne-but-not-con-turkey.

In other words, [dismissive wanking motion]

But seriously, thanks for reading. I could not possibly disagree with you more, but I appreciate the thoughtful response.

Take care.

From: JC
To: Albert Burneko

Salt (sal) is not a major ingredient. Nor is cilantro, cumin, garlic, or onion. And, of course, the liquid of your choice. If you wish to indulge in asinine arguments, leave me out. I pointed to a fallacy. You chose to pick at grains of bits of crumbs of pieces of minutiae.
Kindly don't waste my time with frivolous responses.

From: Albert Burneko
To: JC

Beans are only a "major" ingredient because you're classifying them as such so that you'll have an excuse to forbid them. This is a completely ludicrous argument you're making. Have a wonderful life.

From: JC
To: Albert Burneko

A major ingredient is one that is part of the majority of the weight of the finished recipe, idiot. Why would someone who knows so little about food be writing about it? No wonder there are so many ridiculing remarks in the comments following your piece.

From: Albert Burneko
To: JC

"Part of the majority of the weight of the finished recipe"? Do you even read these things before you send them? What does that even mean? Literally everything in the pot is "part of the majority of the weight of the finished recipe."

Dead Tweets

@deadspin Why do you run stupid fucking stories like this? You obviously have a "gay" mind because that is not what happened, fucking moron!