Hi Christie. If I were in your position, I would write him a letter, containing much of what you wrote here and then I would focus on me and getting my needs met in fulfilling and healthy ways.

The letter is good because it allows you to set the record straight and communicate openly and honestly - and he can take it or leave it. I think you are asking yourself good questions, but I also think you need to be careful about accepting the unacceptable when you see him as a little boy and not a man who could and should have been a better partner. It's hard not to hurt for him and hard not to wish it were different, but you walking away in LOVE and HONESTY may be a really amazing gift - to him and to yourself. He may chose to follow, it may be later than you like. But holding on to yourself, your dreams, your needs is the best thing you can do in a situation like this.

i do not know of anyone who has successfully recovered without theapy. it is very difficult stuff and usally beyond the non professionals skill set to understand. This being said. I see therapy as a guide for us to work to. The work is up to us. and it takes a lot of commitment and determination.

There are plenty of ways to heal that don't involve therapy. Considering that therapy as we know it was only around since the late 1800's (and that was Freudian therapy... how useful is that for anything?!) and sexual abuse/assault was around much longer than that, therapy is a modern way of healing from sexual abuse/assault but it is not the only way.

I've found therapy to be helpful in my recovery but it is not my only tool. I also use prayer, music, time outdoors and time with my wife to cope. Getting to the point where I could at least tell a handful of friends was instrumental as well.

My wife was sexually assaulted by a psychotherapist when she was in junior high, and has told me there's no way she'll trust a therapist again--male or female. So it is just not a possibility for her. But she is not in denial of the abuse or the way it affects her. She spends time by herself writing in her journal and she has also told me a lot about what happened to her. She has a supportive group of friends and her church community. So while therapy is not one of the tools she uses she has other tools.

Either way pushing someone into therapy isn't good. Therapy works best when it's something the client voluntarily wants to do. It's entirely possible to talk about your abuse and heal from it without a therapist, although therapy is perhaps more efficient.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

I guess there are varied opinions on therapy. I know I can't push him to do it, I was just hoping that losing me would show him that he needs to try something - anything!! Others have suggested options in lieu of therapy. I dont understand why he wants to function like this, especially because it does not seem he is in denial.

Esposa, I took your advice and wrote the letter. I actually prefer letters anyway. It allows me to really think about what I want to say rather than possibly making a mistake or saying something that i would have rather not said. I don't cry as much now but this weekend was really really tough. I have all this open time now, and i know i should be doing something constructive but I really miss him.

So I still don't know what to do.I wish i could talk to the therapist this week. He needs a friend, one that he can trust.I'm it. But I am angry. You're right Esposa, it is unacceptable, he has a choice now. Why wasn't I important enough????

Hey Christie, something you wrote earlier caught my eye. You said you weren't enough to change his mind. It's been years and I still have to remind myself, his behavior is not about me and your love's behavior is not about you. In so many ways it would be easier for all involved if it were, but it isn't.

On a separate point, I made attending therapy a prerequisite for me staying. I will tell you that someone who doesn't want to get well, can and will make therapy a waste of time and money. My husband was living proof. What he ended up responding well to was a 12 step group (porn addiction). What he really likes is the group camaraderie. They text throughout the week. I wish he would go back to therapy too (he has a host of issues that make making a life with him difficult that a professional could address) but for w, as long as he is doing SOMETHING to help himself, I can work with him.

I wasn't sure if I should open a new thread on this but I feel like we made a little progress yesterday. And it seems to have started via an almost panic attack that he was having. Apparently he has been having those symptoms since disclosure. I must have walked into his office at exactly the right time because we started talking (well whispering)immediately when he told me how he felt.since we are at work, we left for lunch and talked some more.We decided to get together last night and he said lets just go have fun. I said lets talk a little more and then have fun.And so we did.

This was the most relaxed I have seen him since disclosure. And he talked and I was able to ask him questions. He didn't even roll his eyes when i talked about things i have learned here. I was even able to find out that he never experienced flashbacks or triggers with me while being intimate and never saw me as the perp when i initiated. He apologized that i felt insecure over him not initiating. He did not say he would therapy but i think that's okay for now. i told him that i know its a huge step and scary but that i would be there if he took one step forward and two back. What i told him i would not do is watch him dig himself further down the hole. I told him he has no where to go now but up. So we left last night with a little smooch and decided to hang out and have fun during the holidays and let this go for a little while he thinks about everything that has happened.I told him that I loved him and he should keep trusting me.

And so this morning driving to work and chatting, he brought up his dad. They are not real close but at least they talk. I asked him if he ever considered telling his dad about his brother. I expected a one word answer but the gates opened!!Just like that, i learned all kinds of things. And it ended with, i can't believe how my mother tried to put this under the carpet. WOW. I am still hopeful but trying not to be too hopeful if that makes sense.

Victor-Victim, I couldn't agree more. Thats why i found a therapist that specializes in this area and I will visit her for the 2nd time next week. I won't stay if he doesn't go to therapy and that's all there is to it. But i am going to let it rest for a little bit and then give it another go. Originally i was pushing and pleading and then i realized I couldnt make him do anything and now he seems to have opened up a bit without much effort on my part. I dont want him to close that door but when the time is right, i will bring it up to him again.

I just stumbled upon this thread. I went through something very similar with my BF who I still love and adore about a month ago. He also thinks that this is just the way he is and nothing will change. We was sexually attracted to me, but saw me as a "good girl" (though I'm highly sexual) and was addicted to porn which of course made me feel like crap in bed at times as he would compare me to porn stars and often wouldn't be able to get it up.

I brought up therapy which he was dead set against. I kept thinking "Why am I not important enough?" But it's not about that. He's scared and he's gotten used to the way he is. In a way it's sort of like a security blanket.

After the therapy thing, he started pulling away emotionally and I caught him in few lies. Unfortunately instead of owning up to his lies, he blamed me for snooping though I only snooped because I suspected something (he emailed an ex when we were on a short break).

He keeps saying I can't accept him (he also struggles with SSA).

I am upset as I love him to pieces and hope to marry him one day (he told me I was the one several times), but ultimately there's nothing I can do. It's a tough pill to swallow. I've found meditation to help a lot. And red wine.

Anyway sorry to hear what you're going through, but you're not alone and this is definitely not about you.

As for me, I am definitely going to get that codependant book. I'm thinking maybe there's a reason I attract guys like this.

Hope you are well and if you feel like it please update with what happened.

When I went through my recovery in South Africa, there were no specialists in the field. I did my recovery on my own with books and the internet.Whats neededA desire to heal and change your life.Books on the subject (Victims no longer and Evicting the perpetrator)Interaction with other survivors.A supportive partner.

This all goes a long way and helped me. It all starts with the fact that you realize what has happened to you and the truth, and a desire to heal

Martin

_________________________Matrix Men South Africa Survivors Supporting Each otherMatrix Men Blog

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