Tuesday, December 29, 2009

23 going on 24

One day, my thoughts are going to get the best of me. And that scares me.

The holidays get me sad and lonely and… pained. I’ve turned off people close to me so many times this year and the years before with my “I hate Christmas” rants, but I can’t help it. I CAN’T HELP IT. I can’t get over it.

It’s not even Christmas. Christmas just amplifies what I struggle with throughout the year — the ins and outs of depressive states.

It’s gotten past the usual adolescent angst and developed into something more. Take this angst, multiply it a hundredfold and prolong it, that’s what it is.

What you see on Facebook is fake.

Smiles for the camera. Smiles and giggles and laughter in real life are fleeting things to me. It’s when I’m anywhere alone that the facade breaks and I feel the emo again. And I feel so alone, all the fucking time.

Why? I don’t know.

It’s hard not to have a group of friends to run to, a group of friends to look for you when you disappear from the world for a while, a group of friends to give you birthday or Christmas gifts, for crying out loud.

I want this all just to go away. I want to go away. Live life alone and quietly in some distant corner of the world, but that’s not gonna happen. I’m 23 years in and everything’s still the same, or worse than it was before, even.

I’m so fucking sick of this shit.

End.

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Oh man, I know exactly what you mean. There are times when I feel like my life is going nowhere and that I haven’t really evolved all that much. You think we’d have outgrown teenage angst by now but the angst just gets a lot worse in our twenties. For the first ever time we’re actually responsible for our destinies, and we don’t have a single clue about what to do next.

Ok that wasn’t particularly cheerful, I suck at cheering people up cos I’m such a fucking thundercloud myself. What I really wanted to say is that you can poke me on YM whenever you get this way. Seriously. I might not be the most optimistic person in the world but I’m a decent listener. :) *hugs*

A lot of this sounds like what I went through back in college. The whole aching feeling that none of your friends are the sort you’d be able to run to in times of need, that none of them would stand up and cheer your return after a long absence. I still think from time to time about which of my friends would actually feel a sense of loss if I died, and the lack of names in my list depresses me. My birthday would come and go without fanfare, even forgotten by those I considered close enough to call “friends”. The only gifts I received during Christmas were those stupid little tokens that some people give EVERYONE.

But then, I didn’t really want to be honest with my feelings. If I was, I’d become this depressing little schmuck that no one wanted to hang with because he was such a downer. And so I pretended to smile, acting as though I was never lonely, when in truth I felt like there was no one in the world who’d miss me. Hell, my own girlfriend wasn’t sure she was into me.

Everyone had their little cliques, none of which I belonged to but TRIED SO GODDAMN HARD to fit in with. And no matter what I did, no matter how much I thought I had endeared myself to them, I still was never invited to go out, or have a drink, or just chill with. Everything was just… fleeting. The smiles, the laughs, the friendships… It was like I was just floating on meaninglessly into oblivion. Nothing was real. Nothing was worth it. “Nothing”, including me.

And so I wanted to vanish from the world, to just fade away and never think or feel again. I know how these stupid fucking holidays can amplify those feelings, what with everybody having their reunions and meet-ups and parties and presents – none of which really felt like you belonged in it. Sigh.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I can sorta identify with what you’re feeling. It might not be exactly the same, but I think it’s pretty damn close. And I dunno, I guess knowing that there’s someone out there who feels even a fraction of what you’re experiencing right now is a comfort in itself; at least, in some sentiment, you’re really not alone.

If you need to talk, or have a beer, or whatever else, I can be a pretty good listener, drinking, and whatever. You don’t have to be alone. :)

First up, I know we’re nowhere close and chances are I’d come across as ‘feeling close’ or as a smartass. But anyway.

I agree to the above comments. I do identify with the emptiness and loneliness. It’s possible to be alone yet not feel lonely but I still haven’t mastered that art. Teenage angst is nothing compared to yuppie angst; nothing quite prepared us for the ‘real’ world and a lot of times we’re left wondering what to do next. Yes, lots of people have this big void in their lives. Some cure it with faith/religion/both, some with relationships, some with material things. But yank them all away and the festering wound is still there.

Marco is right on one thing: you don’t have to be alone. Yes, it takes a lot to reach out. I – a geeky, socially awkward, somewhat klutzy and not really good looking fatass with a brain that runs differently from others – should know. Frankly, reaching out to others scares me. It’s like thrusting your arm into a door leading to a dark room with creepy noises, waiting for something to grab onto you. Doing that alone takes a lot of courage. Pulling your arm in to see what grabbed on is another thing. Deciding if you’d keep the one that latched on is yet another matter. In the end, it all boils down to our decision whether we’d reach out or not.

Do consider poking your arm through my door (through twitter, plurk or whatever) and I’ll grab on to it if I can. I do try to listen well; and once in a while I fish out a gem or two from all the brain farts i make and maybe they’ll be of help to you. I’ll just sit upwind so you can smoke to your leisure.:D