anyway DS said he wants the topper "that's traditional" - it was the tradition of DH, his deceased first wife, and their DD (my DSD) - great .... now I'm near tears because when it comes to "family" traditions pfft I didn't count

I'm upset with myself that I was never strong enough to get DH to understand the long term damage/emotional scars that was caused by "we've always don't it this way" - and I'm upset/angry that I didn't have knock down drag out fights with him when it may have made a difference.

Will the emotional scars/pain ever go away/become less painful? I really hate that I don't like Christmas "traditions" anymore. right now I don't think I ever want another tree as it always reopens painful wounds.

Don't get me wrong DH has been great the past few years (since I was bullied by a co-worker) - its just that the "ghost of X-mas past has raised its ugly head"

A silver lining...One of the beautiful things about children is their resiliency. Your DS has adopted their traditions as his own. He doesn't have the wounds you have regarding those traditions. He doesn't have the baggage of "this is the way my mom and 'real' dad" did it. He hasn't rejected them; he feels a part of them. You did well with him.

Now, how can we heal your scars? Is it possible to set up a second tree somewhere else so you can do a both/and rather than either/or? Is there a way to blend traditions, like the "traditional" topper and your lights and ornaments? I know you would like to win this one, but maybe compromise is the best you can do right now.

If it helps, I don't have any traditions I'd like to have either. No one in my family is interested in the special things that my family did. It always makes me sad. This year I finally just started doing what I wanted, without asking their opinions, and it turns out they kind of like it.

It always bothers me that no one dresses nicely for Thanksgiving dinner. I was raised that everyone dressed up. I don't expect my DH and DS to wear ties, but something besides an undershirt would be nice. This year, I didn't argue or fight or even mention it. I just went to my room and changed into a nice sweater from the sweatshirt I had made dinner in. Without me saying a word, DS and then DD both went to their rooms to change into nicer clothes.

Darlin, words can cut like a knife if we don’t understand them, but lets try and take a look at this from a different perspective.

It must be very difficult for children to lose a parent, and by him saying “that isn’t the way we did it”, is the only way he has to hold onto her memory, without being disloyal to her. Doing things differently might be a significant sign to him, that he is letting her go, and he fears doing that?

I bet those words are not meant to hurt “you”, but to hang onto the memory of his mother, and he doesn’t know how to ask you to help him do that? Or to tell him, that it's ok to do things differently, that his mother knows he still loves her and always will....and then propose to him, "How bout every year, we do one thing, one very special thing that you remember about her, that we can do, to bring her a little closer every Christmas.

Crème, to clarify... snafu's DS is her biological son. The deceased mother is that of snafu's stepdaughter - her DSD.

snafu's DH wanted to hold on to all of the traditions of his deceased wife for the sake of his daughter (snafu's DSD) and now snafu's DS considers them his traditions. snafu, as the mother of the family unit now, never got a say in what their family traditions are - that's what has her upset.