Head Off Modern Menaces At Humboldt Helmeteria – April 1, 2011

Friday, April 1, 2011

Willard and Nancy Dingle outside their new shop.

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Successful businesses have a way of finding a need and filling it. And in Arcata, the need has never been greater for ways to counteract the mounting threats to citizen safety and security.

The list of menaces is almost endless, and growing – fluoride in the water, which accounts for all the decrepit wretches crawling the streets and filling local hospital wards since it was introduced in 1962; fascist laws against following old ladies around and demanding the contents of their purses; police officers literally walking around in public, looking at people; Wi-Fi “hotspots” bodily irradiating those who only wanted a soy latte; not to mention the proliferating Smart Meters also making brains bubble all over town.

With City Hall blind to these perils, entrepreneurs Willard and Nancy Dingle have stepped up to the plate with solutions to help foil – literally – the best-laid plans of the corporadoes and government conspirators.

Arcata’s new Humboldt Helmeteria offers headgear specially designed to ward off menaces ranging from government mind-control signals to the population-docility drugs mass distributed through chemtrails in the sky. And all for no more than an acupuncture session or bottle of liver detox potion.

“They may not be beautiful, but me and the missus think form follows function,” Willard said, modeling the Fluoridian, a $19.95 beauty designed to halt the ruinous effects of fluoride, which opponents say include retardation, amputations and unreasonable resistance to conspiracy theories. “Works like a charm,” Willard said.

Another popular model is the Wi-Foe, retailing at $21.95 and guaranteed to neutralize brain-frying Wi-Fi waves and as a bonus, serve as a handy conversation starter in coffee shops.

The Justice Shield, a full-head model designed to obscure one’s identity from the forces of government oppression, denies police visual access to one’s face. The “JS,” as Willard calls it, sells for $39.95 due to the extra measure of tinfoil required to cover the facial area. For an additional $10, a special swatch of aluminum that covers the eyes can be added, defeating remote retinal scan technology.

And speaking of technology, the Helmeteria’s biggest seller so far is the Meter Defeater, specially crafted to divert PG&E Smart Meter signals away from the brain and back to where they came from, possibly even frying the meter’s transmitter as a bonus. “PG&E will never even know you have a grow, I mean have a helmet on,” Willard said. “We can’t keep them in stock!” The iconic “MD” retails for $24.95.

And since it’s Arcata, all the headgear at the Helmeteria is crafted by Nancy using only the finest organic aluminum. Given the demand, the couple is looking at diversifying and expanding with a whole new endeavor. Success, Willard thinks, is inevitable, since he’s identified another glaring gap in the market.

“You see a lot of hydroponics shops selling garden supplies, but where are all the vegetables from these gardens?” he wondered. “Rotting on the vine, that’s where, since there’s nowhere to sell them. So we’re opening Veg Out, a new outlet for all the unsold hydroponic tomatoes and cucumbers.”