Pages

"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

These were some taglines I came up with when some friends and I were going to make a commercial for a contest for Ketchup.

1. Ketchup. It’s what’s for dinner. 2. Got Ketchup? 3. Ketchup. The other red condiment. 4. Ketchup. The condiment of your life. 5. Ketchup. The fabric of your life. 6. Ketchup. A better idea. 7. Ketchup. Ram tough. 8. Ketchup. Hot dogs wanted. 9. Ketchup. Bet you can’t eat just one. 10. Ketchup. Life’s a condiment. 11. Ketchup. For a great night’s rest. 12. Ketchup. Friends don’t let friends eat mustard. 13. Heinz. The ketchup that made Milwaukee famous. 14. Ketchup. Think Different. 15. Ketchup. The real thing. 16. Little known fact. Both Albert Einstein and porn-star John Holmes guzzled Ketchup as children. 17. Ketchup. Better red than dead. (with a picture of Chairman Mao.) 18. Ketchup. What a condiment was meant to be. 19. Come on Ketchup! Move your bloomin’ arse!!! 20. I’ve always relied on the ketchup of strangers. 21. You need some ketchup very very badly. 22. Ketchup. It’s really gross if you see it made. 23. Ketchup. Only 200ppm of insect legs! 24. Ketchup: Hitler hated us! 25. Ketchup. A sure cure for the hiccups, short-term memory loss, and athlete’s foot. 26. WWKD? What would Ketchup do? 27. WCKD? What CAN’T Ketchup Do? 28. Ketchup, duct-tape and WD-40 – a complete tool kit. 29. Ketchup. Without the ‘k’ it’s just ‘etchup.’ 30. Ketchup. It’s like a vegetable only runnier. 31. Ketchup: You could fill your baby’s bottle with it and put him down for a nap. Of course you’d probably be arrested for it, but that’s what parenting is all about. 32. Blood. It’s like fake ketchup only it keeps you alive longer. 33. Couldn’t you just go for a nice big steaming bowl of Ketchup right now? Of course you couldn’t. That would be disgusting. 34. In a fight, would you really rather have a bottle of ketchup or a jar of mustard? That’s what we thought. Ketchup: We’ve got your back, Jack. 35. Ketchup. Your fish can’t live in it, but then, why would they want to? 36. Ketchup. It’s like salsa for white folks. 37. Ketchup. You can even put it on food!

This is by Hendrick Avercamp. I'd never heard of him before today. It appears he did a lot of winter scenes set in and around Amsterdam. I'm digging his stuff because it looks similar to Pieter Brueghel (the elder) who is probably my all time favorite painter (thought I love Renoir nearly as much.)