All in the Family: The Jokes on You!

Most people will soon be spending at least a bit of quality time with their families. A quick look around found that, though mothers-in-law bore the brunt of most jokes, no member of the family was immune. Here’s a few of our favorites jokes & one liners about relatives:

Siblings

My sister was with two men in one night… she could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine – two dinners! Sarah Silverman

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. Linus van Pelt

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

My brother wants to work badly! As I remember, he usually does! Anonymous

My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck? Anonymous

Big Sister: Mom wants you to come in and help fix dinner. Little Brother: Why? Is it broken? Anonymous

Parents

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger. Dan Rosen

Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine. Anonymous

I want to die like my father, quietly, in his sleep—not screaming and terrified like his passengers. Anonymous

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion. Jeff Foxworthy

In Laws (Just a few. Next Monday’s post will be all in law jokes)

One cannibal says to the other: “I can’t stand my mother-in-law.” The other says: “Why don’t you just eat the vegetables?”

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like YOUR mother-in-law better than I like mine!”

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?

Children

Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents? Archie Bunker

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.P. J. O’Rourke

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self defence. Fred Allen

All the Rest!

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Anonymous

I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.Fred Allen

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner