Police Issue Pedobear Warning. Seriously.

Below is a forehead slappingly dumb news report as well as a totally factual representation of Pedobear written by the Dept of Justice SAFE Sex Offender Task Force in San Diego and distributed as a public safety information bulletin by the San Luis Obispo County Sheriff’s Department. The bulletin, titled “A Seemingly Innocent Menace”, includes gems like:

“PedoBear originated in Japan as a cartoon meme, known for his lecherous nature towards prepubescent children.” [I should have known it was you, Japan. It’s always you or Ebaum’s World.]

“His cute face and non-threatening appearance negate the truth of his sinister, much darker side.” [That’s not what “negate” means.]

“PedoBear is and should be association with the Internet and pedophiles/sexually-preferential offenders who reportedly use him to communicate their interests in young children to each other.”

“Disguised as innocence, this underground community that would make victims of our children teasingly reaches out into the light of day. ” [Does SAFE have an aspiring Lifetime Movie writer on their staff?]

“Law enforcement’s concern is what their ultimate intentions could be.” [Answer: the lulz.]

“The intention of this bulletin is to make the community aware of Pedo Bear’s image both on the Internet and in reality, and alert citizens that his presence may be an indicator of the presence of individuals who have a predilection to sexually inappropriate, or even, assaultive behavior. While not an absolute, the image of PedoBear should be a sign that you should use caution with whatever situation you are in or the individuals involved.”

Actually, that last one’s probably not a bad idea. If you see a /b/tard out in public, something has gone terribly wrong. They must have ran out of pizza rolls days ago, wandered outside for sustenance, and are now liable to bite your arm out of hunger. Be advised to set a trap and bait it with Skittles.