UKip’s Five-Point Plan To Identify Muslims And Chris de Burgh Fans

GERARD Batten, a Ukip MEP who sits on the party’s London executive, wants all Muslims to sign a “charter of Muslim understanding”. Batten created the charter in 2006, and now thinks it ripe and ready for signing. Muslims will sign a five-point affirmation, in which they would promise to accept equality, reject violence in the name of religion, and accept a need to “re-examine and address the meaning and application of certain Islamic texts and doctrines”.

Batten says: “I don’t suppose the pope would disagree with it or the archbishop of Canterbury or anybody else. So why should they feel aggrieved that they might be asked to sign. They don’t have to. If they don’t believe in those five points, they don’t have to sign it.”

Batten is making a name for himself in what many believe is a game attempt to get seat on Question Time. It being well-known fact that a true British man can neither dance nor cook, thus ruling on star turns on Strictly Come Dancing and Celebrities Do The Great British Bake Off, Batten is hoping to be so unattractive and charmless that a spot on Question Time is his for the taking. He can then blame things on the Chinese, whilst wearing a string of uncooked sausages as a novelty tie and explaining why all foreigners looks the same, citing the examples if Abba’s Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus (“but which is which?”)

Anyone not signing up to Batten’s Charter will most likely have their name written in a little book of parchment, which will, should UKip gain power, be copied and carried by all party members at all times. UKip will test these non-designated Muslims by engaging them in a set conversation. Correct answers have been supplied:

UKip: Who do you blame for the credit crunch.

Target: The Chinese.

UKip: Who can we trust?

Target: ‘Spam Fritters’. Although ‘lard’, ‘Torvill and Dean’ and ‘angle folk’ will do.

Once signed, Batten fails to say what will happen if a signatory decides that violence is useful, such as if neo-Nazis are tying to burn down their home, Chris de Burgh is preparing ready to sing The Lady In Red or a UKip member is handing them a quill.

But this is Britain, we say. It is fair and proper that UKip should offer a similar affirmation set to its members. To be signed:

1. I have never been a Jew.

2. I will cancel my golfing holiday to the Algarve if gays have been used to water the greens.

3. There is no 10-metre line in rugby union.

4. Foreign weather is a blight on the hard-pressed taxpayer?

5. I will never own the Kilroy box set.

Bonus question: in 6 seconds name five things Sir Cliff Richard would rhyme with “wine”.

2. I boycott Portugal , as I do Spain, since they are two of the most Anti-Semitic, Anti-Israel & Pro-Arab states in Europe, both deservedly members of the economically bankrupt P.I.G.S. group of failed states.

3. rugby union, like rugby league is boring, I say that even though I played rugby at school , even made my house team.

4. Foreign weather is a blight on the hard-pressed taxpayer but a boon for all the con men & escaped criminals living on benefits in the Algarve & Costa Del Sol.