Missing airplane and ... cats

T ime once again to field questions from Nancy Naive, who poses a series of queries on current events.

What's happening in the world?

Of course, Nancy, the big news is the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which vanished en route to Beijing. Cable news channels are covering this 24/7 and have helpfully narrowed down the causes to electrical fire, hijacking, human error, sabotage, a terrorist plot, mechanical failure, the same supernatural force that downed the doomed plane in Lost, or, as reported by Fox News, the implementation of the Affordable Care Act.

What else is happening overseas?

Well, I was intrigued that a Chinese businessman paid nearly $2 million for a new puppy, making it the world's most expensive dog. The "puppy" is a 200-pound Tibetan mastiff, an ancient breed that presumably defecates golden eggs and is able to predict stock market trends more accurately than Warren Buffett.

Doesn't it seem crazy to spend so much on a pet?

Yes, but it also gets me off the hook, in a way. I've always had cats and I typically buy them from breeders, because you seldom find purebred Persian kittens at the Animal Rescue League, and those are the ones I like. I have the right to select the pet that will share my home, but my preference tends to incur the wrath of certain smug and judgmental animal lovers who insist that people adopt stray cats and dogs from the shelter that employs Sara McLaughlin to sing maudlin songs. Because I purchase my pets, I'm considered an even bigger jerk than Justin Bieber by the same people who mourn the death of a squirrel more deeply than that of a human. For the record, the adoption of animals is a great thing to do, but I choose not to do it. This is America, for goodness sakes. Get off my back.

You seem defensive.

I just strongly believe in my God-given right to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a purebred cat who studiously ignores me unless I'm trying to comb her, at which point she affectionately claws me to pieces. She's adorable.

Didn't you recently write about cats?

I penned a tongue-in-cheek column proposing the city open a cat park, the foolishness of which was pointed out to me by a reader in an email I am not making up:

"Recently, an acquaintance of mine showed me your 'Cat Park' article. ... I read the entire article, and even showed it to some of my friends. Please take no offense, but I believe this 'Cat Park' is a little far-fetched. I do agree that cats should have their own space, but your ideas for this cat park are very out there. What would cats do with twist ties? And what would happen if the cats attack the sole employee when no one is present? Please do not take this the wrong way, but seriously?"

Seriously?

Indeed.

Well, at least she was polite, which reminds me. What's this I'm hearing about City Councilor Phil Palmieri?

I predicted in a column that the "listening sessions" run by Palmieri would fail because they're run by Palmieri. Sure enough, while conducting a session intended to solicit citizen input for the city manager search, one of the attendees requested that Palmieri shut up and listen rather than do all the talking. That's an impractical suggestion, as Palmieri recently underwent a procedure to have a microphone surgically attached to his palm.

Anything else on the local scene?

We recently published The Highest Paid City Employees List Designed to Infuriate Voters, which includes the annual shocking revelation that cops rake it in like nobody's business, especially the police chief's brother, who recently purchased a Tibetan mastiff to growl at the servants.