A man I was involved with was supposedly in the 6mos. waiting period for his divorce to become final so we became more serious. Working for a title company, I had easy access to public records which showed he hadn’t even filed but the day after one of our dates and I verbally ripped him to pieces over it. His father came to tell me the man had truly been separated for almost two years and had got up the nerve to take on the expense and headache of the legal part only after he was sure about being with me. The man said if I made such a big deal out of a piece of paper then he didn’t have the stomach for whatever else I might unleash on him so he called it off. I apologized and apologized but expected not a lot after that. We have built a delicate friendship but neither of us feels it will ever be anything intimate again. Some things can’t be saved in the way you want.

A long time friend and I were going to take our 17 yo daughters to a performance and dinner. She could no longer drive so I always did. The day before she told me her new boyfriend was coming too and he wanted to drive all of us. The next day when we got to her house it was obvious he had been drinking and since they were running late I just made an excuse about taking my own car and went on ahead. In the restaurant she brought up the possibility of a trip with my daughter. We had talked about it and I had agreed to pay but I told her my daughter might have other plans. As it turned out, the way she brought it up, my daughter decided to be stubborn and my friend started to argue. When I got home she was already calling and really blasted me. She went on for over an hour. She couldn’t afford this trip without my daughter coming, I should have warned her ahead of time. I should make my daughter go. It got very circular and finally I started getting angry. When she said I snubbed her boyfriend because I drove myself, I told her I wasn’t going to put my daughter or myself in the car with a drunk and that led to the phone being slammed down,

I expected her to call back when she calmed down but I hadn’t heard from her 3 months later when we had a serious earthquake that put the power out in our neighborhood and shut down public transportation. I called her the second day and asked if they were all right or if they needed anything and her response was just NO. That’s when I felt betrayed.

That was 20 years ago. We live within a mile of each other and I see her in the neighborhood every couple of years. I don’t know if she sees me because her vision is poor. I still wonder what she was so angry with me about but I wouldn’t be rejected again.

Counselling. Shared responsibility for the thing that came between you. A sincere interest and willingness to work hard by both people to make it work again. Work to understand each other, needs and reasons. Willingness to give the other some or all of what they want. Knowledge that it goes both ways. It always goes both ways. If one person believes they are right and makes the other pay and pay and pay, it won’t work. Save yourself some trouble and cut it off right then.

If you’ve had a serious breach of trust, you have to both accept blame, and work hard to build trust again. If both sides aren’t trying, it’s a waste of time.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir yes pretty good, if i am allowed the space and time to work it through, and it feels authentic, ie not just a show for social convenience or to cling to a relationship….the offending party musn’t assume they are forgiven in an instant or any remaining respect is lost, equally, being stubborn and spitefull and deliberately unforgiving is a pointlessly destructive activity.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir`there was a point yes’ i see, how important trust is to you, trust is not the basis of love although i accept it is a key component, i probably undervalue your trustworthiness, you don’t drink too ,which would enforce that opinion…you live within an `open’ relationship that is dependent upon honest and candid declaration of sexual activity outside of the domestic relationship. That is fine, in fact that is very appealing and progressive. However i sense, that were those boundaries transgressed, your wrath would be unimaginable (yikes). So you are right to not trust me in the sense that you want to, as i am not trustworthy, but at least honest to admit that.