Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Publicity

Contrary to popular opinion. (Granted I don't really know who's opinion that would be)

I don't seek or desire attention.

In fact I am a rather private person.

I know you are going to tell me; "But Kelli you have a public blog and write about your trials and tribulations regarding your life."

I understand, but this site was really just started as an outlet for items and issues rolling around in my head.

Which it has been very effective in providing me. I never expected anyone else to actually read these ramblings. I just feel better getting them out.

I just don't actively seek attention.

The need to thrust myself into the public eye and make a spectacle of myself just simply is not there

My friend J noted this recently. As she made mention that I am friendly and polite. Sweet and sociable. Fun loving and adventurous, but I don't force the issue. I am open to meeting new people but I am very cautious as to whom I become friends with. I just don't try to make myself the center of attention.

Nor do I feel the need to participate in events that really are just ego fueled attempts at vanity.

I am just me.

Simple fun loving me.

This plays into the desire to not transition in a very public manner.

I would love to simply disappear for a few months, take care of some to the things I want have done. Then simply come back as me and build my life from there.

Ok, I know life can't be that simple or easy.

Still I think I would prefer to minimize the public facing transition as much as possible. Sans the family and friends.

I just don't feel I need or want to place this process in front of more people then I really need too.

Which really was the topic of discussion in my last post.

It wasn't so much working with and for my friend. If he is accepting and willing to deal with it. I am more then willing to work for him.

I just don't know if I want to be a consultant again visiting all those new people all the time.

I would hate to have to walk around in eight or ten months from now and having to say.

"Hi, I am the engineer formerly known as <insert boy name>"

I understand I will always be trans and that I will have a unique trans history.

I just don't feel I need to broadcast that to the world at large unless I absolutely need to.

Times like this really make me wish I wouldn't have been so afraid to come out years ago. Much of this would already be past me and I would have been working as myself for years.

I have to get over that as I cannot beat myself up over the past and carry those regrets around.

It will be an interesting couple of months as I not only plan to tell him, but I have other friends on the list to disclose to over this summer.

I understand the need for disclosure but that doesn't mean I have to like doing it so much.

2
comments:

Its always nerve wracking and is not something I ever look forward to doing.The only good thing is that as you tell some people thats one off the list to tell!I also found my parents were happy to take the burden of by telling my extended family. Like you I really am worried that my history will get in the way. Hang in there.x

I too wish I could go away for a while and just come back as me and that I had started this a long time ago (as Im sure all of us that didnt start early wish they did) but even tonight in fact a friend told me that I shouldnt dwell on the past nor look to the future but rather I should only look where I'm at and what I have now. Which is easy for her to say when she was born female and doesnt know what its like for me.

I am currently questioning myself about looking for a new job as well just because I know if I get one I'll have new people to meet and possibly become friends with.. and I'm just not sure I need that right now. That just makes more people that I'd have to tell about me. But in the end, I must do what I must to continue to live comfortably and getting a better job would also help with transitioning as well.