So, now, after the minor infraction of beating up Frank Ocean, Chris Brown is so sad, you guys. This is how he feels (posted on his Instagram account using the elegant username "fuckyopictures"):

Also, I just want to point out that he beat up Frank Ocean over a parking space. Because that is what stable people do. GIVE HIM GRAMMYS.

You know, every time I post about Chris Brown, the reactions are usually the same. There are three camps: Team I Hate This Clownshoe, Team Stop Talking About Him and Giving Him Attention, and Team He Is An Angel So Forgive Him Already, Damn, a faction which often uses Fassbender as an example for Pajiba's double standard toward ladybeaters.

This is both fair and unfair, as the situations are similar but different--I think Brown's flagrance is the keyest difference. Also, however, those people forget that Pajiba is not a collective tank of groupthink. Some people like Fassbender. I happen to think he is a terrifying robot monster who probably has a sterile murder room in his basement and makes women clean their vaginas (from behind) before he will get carnal with them. And that's okay. We don't have to be the same or agree on everything. Some of us like certain actors other's don't. Some of us get offended by more than others. Some of us like some movies and some TV shows while others don't. We are all different, unique snowflakes who come together and create this glorious mosaic of bitch and snark.

But I think I speak for all of us when I say we all have one thing in common: we all think Chris Brown is an enormously unspeakable douchemonster. Seriously. He's the worst.

Hey Enlow, while you’re at it see what you can dig up on Robert Wagner. I don’t think that boating accident story is going to hold up much longer.

Pookie

Fassbender beats his girlfriend’s ass “allegedly,” then she recants and they start back dating again. So I guess that means that Fassbender didn’t beat her ass because everybody knows that women never go back to the men that beat them. Nice write-up Enlow, you should send this and some of your other groundbreaking work on Chris Brown over to TMZ, I see a Pulitzer in your future.

John G.

yes, it's true, but being a robot and needing things sterile isn't quite the same as beating a girl up. Yes, he makes them wash their vaginas for him, and he stares at them with that dead robot stare, but he doesn't beat them up!! He just murders them.

The Replicant Brooke

Wow, Jesus is ripped.

PerpetualIntern

He should not be allowed to hold that adorable pittie puppy.

Gabs

As if pit bulls didn't already have enough trouble with their undeserved reputation...

PerpetualIntern

No kidding.

Tinkerville

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who finds Fassbender creepy, not hot. And not creepy hot, which is an entirely different category.

KZoeT

So, who's on your creepy-hot list?

Tinkerville

Yep, Cillian Murphy for sure.. Also John Simm, Sebastian Stahn, and Michael Emerson.

Sara_Tonin00

where's Cillian been lately, anyway? doing more creeping than acting?

Ash

Wait, Sebastian Stan from Once upon a time? I'd put him in the hot-hot category.

F'mal DeHyde

Cillian Murphy is creepy hot.

I don't like Fassbender either.

Alberto Cox Délano

What's up with the allegations against Fassbender? As far as I know, little before his big break, he had a drunken-douchey rant outside of his former girlfriend's house, but not a beating. Where's the full story?

and fastly after she dropped the charge and they re-started to date together during a short time

pumpkin

That dog does not look happy.

Elizabeth Gorman

My BF and I were watching Mystery Science Theater 3000's movie "Tormented" and when Joel and the 'Bots were throwing miniature singers off of a miniature lighthouse [you need to see the movie to get the bit], BF asked me which singer I would want to see plummet to his/her death. After a moment of thought, I answered "Chris Brown." "Yeah me too," he replied.

AngelenoEwok

My friends and I were playing Loaded Questions at Christmas, and one of the questions was, "If the Anti-Christ walks among us, what name do his friends and enemies know him by?" The most popular answer was "Chris Brown."

Pinky McLadybits

I was just watching that episode today and THOUGHT THE SAME THING.

michaelceratops

Hold the phone... I try to stay up on my celebrity gossip but apparently I missed this... Michael Fassbender is a lady beater?

Then she withdrew her claim and no longer wanted a protection order against him.

Fabius_Maximus

As far as I know, the whole story was fishy from the beginning.

bleujayone

"Also, I just want to point out that he beat up Frank Ocean over a parking space."

- Let it be known right now, Danny Ocean will not stand for such an act. I mean if he was willing to risk everything when his rich friends were bullied, imagine what he's going to to when he gets wind of this... Nevermind Ocean's 11,12 or 13...This time Danny's gonna recruit EVERYBODY. Every person they every requited before, everyone they ever hired, bribed, talked to or know and everyone they ever had dream team aspirations for. Ocean's 300 if you will. This time, it's EVERYBODY'S fight. Given the cause, they all agree to do it for scale.

"You shook Usher's hand. You should know better."

Puddin

Jesus was a repressed homosexual with anger issues and an auto tune addiction? Was that in The Da Vinci Code somewhere?

Oh, he totally is. That wine thing is just good PR. He turned that water into Zima.

$27019454

Yes, but he's a MISUNDERSTOOD asshole. So just get off his back, man.

Sara_Tonin00

Didn't you, though? Didn't you?

(sidebar: was at The Strand a week ago and saw a Phillip Pullman book called something like "The Man Jesus, the Scoundrel Christ" about Jesus and his evil, Messiah, miracle-working brother)

Nicole_OCTV

I'm part of both Team Clownshoe and Team Fassbender Freaks Me Out and Makes Me Uncomfortable. So.....Team Courtney for short.

$27019454

I love it when Courtney posts her celeb hate. It's so heartfelt and sincere and vehement. It contrasts madly with the adorable baby photos she posts elsewhere. I embrace the dichotomy! But seriously, I love that you hate, Courtney! I hate those you hate! Sing it! I am so on board. Plus: Yeah, CB = total douche. Fuck this little bitch.

katy

My cousin's daughter, who is 19 and a sophomore in college, used to post on Facebook all the time about her "boyfriend" Chris Brown. She is of the generation where someone mildly popular will generate a ton of responses no matter what she posts, and thankfully the majority tried to explain to her why she was just so wrong in this. They went from trying to inform her, and then as she continued to do her stupid girl schtick they eventually went to flat out shaming her. She didn't care. I then hid her feed. Fortunately I don't see that side of the family very often.

,

And yet there's always some stunning woman willing to roll the dice.

e jerry powell

Yeah. Like the death row groupies. Makes me wonder about women sometimes.

Lindsey Gregory

I'm on Team I Hate This Clownshoe cause he done stole Tricky's look from the 90s. Asshat.

Just after that picture was taken, he probably kicked that dog. Maybe.

Nicole_OCTV

Seeing him with a pitbull puppy doesn't make me go 'awwww'. It makes me think, 'oh, yeah, this dude TOTALLY has a secret Michael Vick-style dog fighting ring somewhere'. That's the power of Chris Brown.

John G.

oh no doubt! somewhere right now Chris Brown is shooting a pit bull in the head for not winning his fight. I just know it.

Buck Forty

Edit

PerpetualIntern

And it makes me think, poor pitbull puppy :(

Kballs

I would say I hate Chris Brown but I don't want death threats from stupid assholes. So I won't say it. HIGHROAD4LYFE.

zeke_the_pig

As if that all wasn't bad enough, look at the ridiculous lengths the dickhead needs to go to to relieve himself. Yeah, sure, I sometimes need to smile like a lobotomised prick to take a shit in my pants too, but clutching a baby animal to my head? Some of us have limits, you prolapsed rectum of a 'man'.

lowercase_ryan

Are there really any Pajiba regulars that fall into the he's an angel camp? I thought that was reserved for 14 year olds on Twitter?

pissant

I don't think there are any regulars who think he is an angel. However, that faction was then described as "[using] Fassbender as an example for Pajiba’s double standard toward ladybeaters".

I mean, that describes Pookie pretty perfectly.

kirbyjay

I thought it was the " you're just hating on him cuz he's black" camp.