Letters I'll Never Send

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You told me ‘You have no reason to not trust me’ but I actually have a few.

1) You broke up with me twice. Once because you were afraid of the status…? Then I became afraid you had another girl on the side but I swept it up to just my crazy fear.

2) When we got off our week long cruise together, I saw you texting your ex. I saw that you were trying to hide it. I have never tried so hard to be so strong in my life just so I wouldn’t burst out crying. I never told you this, came close but…i’m a wimp. I saw you text her and say something along the lines of ‘miss you too’. I tried to tell you this and instead I just asked ‘Are you really over her? Do you really love me?’ and you spoke sweet words and I stopped believing myself and started believing you. I cried hard while I was in the shower that night, you never knew why.

3) I know you were not cheating on me because we spent SO much time together then you broke up with me for the second time. But this time it’s very different. You tell me you want to marry me but you haven’t been single in a long time and need time to figure things out. You told me ‘I want you to date around..go on dates but don’t be in a relationship’. We’ve been broken up for months but we still act like we are together, tell each other we love each other, kiss, hug, everything…if you ask me back out i will tell you no until I can trust you.

I think you are immature and is afraid of commitment. You told me you went on a date and kissed the girl. I broke down in front of you. I cried all night, it hurt a lot. I would have done anything for you, still would.

But…what you don’t know: I’ve kissed two guys since you. One of them I actually had sex with…I’ll never tell you this. It all makes me feel better though. I’m not sorry, after nights of rubbing your back constantly, always giving into sex when I didn’t want it, after COUNTLESS times of crying every night I still would give up everything for you, but you can’t. Maybe one day we’ll both mature enough for us to be together. I’m waiting for you to start.