Since my parents weren’t the kind of parents who let me play video games or watch T.V. through most of my childhood, they had to find other ways to keep me entertained. This meant, among other things, that I went to dance classes. And not unwillingly, mind you. My smaller self was all about ballerinas. I dreamed the dream that I imagine many uninformed little girls dream about being a ballerina, a dream that persisted until I was old enough to understand exactly how much goddamn work goes into being an actual ballerina. From then on, I just thought it was fun to make my body do neat things while getting to wear a costume with a fuckload of sequins on it.

My favorite thing in ballet class was the part where we got to take turns practicing a single kind of step across the entire dance floor. I liked to try and make each grand jete or chasse or…uh, the leg-changy jumpy thingie? (It’s been awhile.)…look better than the last. My least favorite part of dance class was the dreaded combination. Our instructor would stand up in front of the class and model a set of steps that we were supposed to be able to repeat. As long as she was standing in front of me, doing the movements with her back to me in the same direction as I was doing them, I was fine. I was a great dancer. I was in the groove.

The minute she turned around to face us, or worse! the minute she started calling out the movements with directions (“Left! Now right!”), I transformed from what I imagined as a graceful gazelle into a stubby-legged giraffe with six left feet tied in knots.

Dramatization.

I don’t know if other people have this problem, but I don’t understand how someone can hear the word “Left!” and instantly know which way to go. How do you know which way is left? Do “left” and “right” have a feeling? I have no idea. I have to really think about it every time I want to know which way is which. “Left!” shouts the dance teacher. Okay, I think. Okay, so which hand do I write with? I wiggle both hands. Oh, okay, it’s this one. Okay, so now the OTHER way is left! Go that way! But by the time I am done thinking that, everyone else is already two steps ahead and going a different way! It makes learning choreography a bit challenging. When I was still young enough to not care what other people thought, my mom draw a big L on my left ballet slipper, but once my sense of shame grew in, I stopped letting her do that. While I do enjoy just dancing to music in my own groove, there is something intensely satisfying about moving in choreographed steps that perfectly match a song, and I really did like doing it when I could get it right. I could do okay with a lot of practice, but as much as I loved dancing, it was very stressful to try to remember choreography while also desperately thinking, Right or left? Right or left?! RIGHT OR LEFT!!!?

Well, I can’t tell my left from my right, but I can follow arrows.

You see where this is going.

I love DDR because it lets me dance in a way that feels choreographed without my having to remember every step or which way is left. I just get to move. And, oh, how I can move now!

Boyfriend texted me this image while I was at work:

I was in a meeting, so I had to not make high-pitched noises of excitement, but it was a near thing. I have discussed my DDR dance pad travails at somelength on this blog. I’ve been through a lot of pads in the past three years. After my Red Octane pad starting ghosting, I bought a foam core DDR Game Energy pad, and it had a misfiring left arrow out of the box. Same thing happened with its replacement. I had some better luck with DDR Game’s Tough Universal Dance Pad, but although I didn’t have issues with ghost-stepping, its thin and unsatisfying dance surface was irritating, and I had to readjust its position after every song. This past Christmas, my grandmother sent me some money and told me to buy something really nice for myself with it. So I did.

Behold the Omega 4X Precision Dance Pad:

Precision Dance Pads is a mom-and-pop-style operation which appears to be the culmination of one man’s dream: to make a durable DDR pad that didn’t ghost, didn’t require extensive knowledge of electrical wiring to maintain, and didn’t weight 300 pounds. I heard about the company through the Crypt of the Necrodancer devs, who have a plug for the company’s custom Necrodancer pads on their website. My interest was piqued, and after doing some research, I desperately wanted one, but I didn’t have an extra $365 lying around until I was able to match Grandma’s generous Christmas contribution this past December. Finally, it has arrived! So let’s talk about it.

First off, let’s get this out of the way: this is not a cheap pad. $365 is a lot of dollars. That’s why it took me almost two years to finally get around to buying one of these things. However, let’s put that price in perspective. The aforementioned Tough Universal pad set me back about $75. While this is a considerably lower price, I expect to get a maximum of six to eight months of moderate use out of a good soft pad before it starts ghosting. That adds up after awhile. There are a lot of metal pads out there, but they’re not cheap, either, and where the hell do you store that thing? Boyfriend and I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. A metal pad would take up like 20% of our total available space. Ergo: $365 seemed a fair price.

Once the purchase was made, there was a good, long wait. I expected a good, long wait — it does say on their website somewhere to expect at least six weeks processing time — but they apparently had a fire in their warehouse in December, and this bumped things back even further. By this point, I had already waited years for a dance pad that didn’t suck, so an extra month or so didn’t seem like a big deal. I guess if you’re the kind of person who is used to Amazon Prime, the potential wait might drive you a little crazy, but it’s my understanding that these people make each pad to order. While this adds to processing time, it also makes it possible for them to do custom images. I seriously considered getting Boyfriend to help me make a bunny-, Totoro-, or Zelda-themed design using their template, but the company already offers a startling number of customization options on their website, including two Necrodancer designs, a pad that looks like a SNES d-pad, a design involving a disco ball for some reason, and also a…squirrel?

I am admittedly perplexed as to the genesis of this design, but it’s stupid adorable, and considering the colors, I just went ahead and decided in my heart that this was secretly a custom Squirrel Girl skin.

The color scheme is even consistent!

So there’s the first point in its favor: this is, without a doubt, the cutest dance pad in the history of ever.

Yesterday evening, when I arrived home from work, the glorious package was waiting for me. I dragged it into the room with the computer, and proceeded to tear into it. It was a surprisingly labor-intensive package to open. The pad appeared to have been wrapped in a flattened cardboard box and then covered in an entire roll of packing tape.

A bit unconventional, but it got the job done. The pad arrived in perfect condition. In addition to the pad itself, the package contained a bubble-wrapped packet protecting the control box.

This is another ingenious customization option that the company offers. They build their own control boxes, and they are modular, so you can select the control box that works the best for you. Despite the fact that I mostly play Stepmania on Boyfriend’s fancy PC, I also have a PS2 copy of In the Groove that I like whipping out every once in awhile to take advantage of its far superior workout mode, so I opted to pay a little bit extra for the multi-tap control box.

This allows me to connect the pad to a PC, PS2, Xbox, or Gamecube. According to the company’s hilariously snarky FAQ, you can get PS3, Xbox 360, or PS4 control boxes on special order. So, if Sony starts putting out new DDR games, I have the option to get a second control box for my PS4. Swapping the box is as simple as plugging in an ethernet cable. My multi-tap control box seems solidly built and likely to last, but if anything were to happen to it, I can easily purchase a replacement on the website. They have replacement sensor pads, too. I’m a big fan of companies that sell replacement parts. It usually means that they expect their product to last.

The pad is less than an inch thick, but it’s surprisingly hefty. The pad’s smooth graphical surface is held onto the plywood backing with heavy-duty velcro.

Though I haven’t taken it apart to look at the sensor plates inside, it’s clear that I could do so easily should the need arise. The backing is much more functional than fancy.

It’s just a piece of plywood that’s been painted black. It makes the pad heavier than I expected, but it’s still perfectly manageable for this relatively small woman to handle, and because it’s so thin, it slides right behind the couch and against the wall for storage. I suppose some tech aficionados might take issue with the lack of polish, but again, mom-and-pop operation. These people are clearly more interested in function than they are with form.

Let’s talk about that function, shall we?

Set up was stupidly easy. Plug and play. The drivers had no trouble installing, and while I reflexively went into Stepmania’s joypad config menu to set it up, it seemed like all of the buttons were already properly configured. Time to start dancing!

This pad is so, so good. So good. It took about two songs for me to get used to the new surface. It’s weirdly smooth for a dance pad. Arcade pads have arrow buttons surrounded by a metal lip and probably some screws, and they are so obvious you can feel them through your sneakers. The pad I’ve been using for the past six months, the Tough Universal pad, has textured arrows that are incredibly comfortable to feel through both socks and shoes, though I didn’t like using it barefoot. This new pad feels like a slightly springy wooden dance floor, and it’s almost perfectly smooth. You can kind of feel the sensors, but finding them mostly comes down to reflex. For this reason, I think this might be a tricky pad to use for a beginner, but once I made the adjustment, I loved it.

I like hard pads because you can so clearly hear the rhythm you are tapping out with your feet, but I dislike having to stomp like you do at the arcade. It’s satisfying and fun for a few rounds, but it starts to wear on me for long-term play. I like being able to glide from arrow to arrow on a soft pad, but a soft pad lacks the satisfying tap-tap-tap of the rhythm. This pad gives me the best of both worlds.

I played for about an hour and a half last night. After an hour or so, my feet started to hurt a bit. I was in socks, so I tried putting on my sneakers to see how that might affect play. While shoes made things more comfortable, and also made it sound like I was tap-dancing (which was awesome), I sacrificed some accuracy because I couldn’t feel the arrows. I tried shedding both shoes and socks, but I could only get through half a song barefoot, so I went back to my socks. The company’s FAQ suggests putting some foam under the pad if you find it uncomfortable, and since I kept the interlocking foam from my last broken foam core pad, I think I’ll try that tonight.

Are there any drawbacks to this pad, other than a price that some people might be unable to afford? Not for me. The pad did randomly disconnect a few times last night during play, but only while I was in the menu. While that might be something to do with the control box, I am inclined to think it’s because Boyfriend has too much crap plugged into his USB ports. If the issue persists, I might have do do some troubleshooting, but as of now, it hasn’t affected play.

Speaking of Boyfriend, he seems to have found the only true problem with this pad, and this may be a problem unique only to him and his very tall brethren: if you have size 16 feet, hitting arrows accurately seems to be a bit tricky. Now to be fair, this is a problem that Boyfriend has always had when playing DDR, as let’s be real, nothing is designed with size 16 feet in mind. (Like not even shoes. We have to special order all of his shoes online.) However, with most dance pads, he can feel out where the arrows are enough to mostly keep his feet in line. He had a lot of trouble keeping his feet on the correct arrows while using this pad. This morning, when he came home from work, he asked wistfully, “If those dance pad people make all their dance pads themselves, do you think they could make me a big foot dance pad?” Perhaps that’s something we’ll have to pursue.

In the meantime, though, the point is moot. He’s not going to be able to pry me off of my Precision Dance Pad long enough to get a turn himself. In fact, it’s ridiculous that I’ve spent so much time writing this blog post. That’s two hours I could have spent playing DDR.

My inner child will never be a ballerina. But playing DDR on a pad this good? That almost makes up for it.

My local bowling alley has a lovely DDR arcade machine, which is a little worse for the wear, but still awesome, and I used to play it once or twice a week.

I say “I used to” because the machine is broken.

THE MACHINE HAS BEEN BROKEN FOR TWO MONTHS NOW.

Seriously, about a week after I wrote the above post about my deep and abiding love for DDR and how happy I was that there was an arcade machine in my tiny ass, backwards, southern Oregon town, the machine broke. I called the bowling alley pretty much every day for the first week, asking if it was repaired yet. Finally, one of the managers told me that the motherboard was shot, and they were waiting on parts. So I dialed back to calling once a week, just checking to see if the parts had come in. Two weeks ago, I was told at last that the machine was fixed! Yay! There was much rejoicing! So I hustled my butt on down to the arcade, all ready to put in a massive marathon DDR session.

Only to discover upon my arrival that the employee I spoke to on the phone had been confused. The machine was still broken. The parts still had not come. Defeated, I walked home, seething in impotent, DDR-less rage.

My husband sympathized, but then said, “Seriously, why don’t you just get the game for one of your THREE home game consoles?”

The man had a point. So I called around to some of the local game stores I see who had DDR pads in stock, and started researching prices. It turned into a pretty epic quest.

Allow me to explain. Dance Dance Revolution has been around for a REALLY long time for a video game franchise. The first DDR arcade machine appeared in Japan back in 1998. The machines started popping up in other countries by 1999, and the first home release was Dance Dance Revolution 2nd Remix for the PSX, which also came out in 1999. Since then, the franchise has seen literally almost a HUNDRED relseases in different mixes, versions, platforms, and updates. Seriously, check out the list on Wikipedia. Seems like a pretty healthy franchise.

Only not. Upon closer examination of said list, you will see that there was a new arcade version released a little over a year ago, and a baffling iOS version released the month prior…wait, are you serious, iOS? Can you even use a pad for that? If people are DDRing on their iPhones with their fingers, that is just stupid…

OH FUCK ME.

So yeah. That’s where my beloved franchise is now. On fucking iPhones. And even that shut down last September, as the team retired. The last true home console release with A PAD (A PAD! DDR is played with a DANCE PAD, people!) was back in 2011 on the Wii.

I guess the goddamn Kinect and the Move killed DDR as a franchise. Once enough people had access to camera-based dance games that could accurately track their movements, I guess those took over DDR’s niche. Which I just find sad. I mean, I don’t have anything against the Let’s Dance games, I’ve played them at conventions, and they seem pretty fun…I just…I REALLY LIKE DDR, OKAY?

So it seemed pretty clear to me that I needed to jump the fuck on top of getting myself some DDR gear before it got too rare and expensive to get ahold of. Most of the game stores in town had DDR pads in stock, but they were all used, all cheaply made, and mostly for the Wii. Fun fact: as it turns out, if you have one of the newer model black Wiis, you just can’t ever play DDR on it.

Does your Wii look like this? WELL NO DDR FOR YOU.

When Nintendo redesigned the Wii for its “Family Edition” release, it removed all GameCube compatibility. It didn’t seem important to me at the time I bought it, because I couldn’t think of any GameCube games that I really wanted to play, and the console came bundled with New Super Mario Bros Wii, which I DID want to play, but there’s no GameCube controller ports on the damn thing, either, and all Wii DDR pads used the GameCube controller ports. So the Wii was right out.

Okay, what about the PS3? I wondered. I love my PS3, and wouldn’t it be fun to earn all the trophies for DDR? Well, there was only ever one PS3 DDR release, Dance Dance Revolution, and man does its music list look like it is full of suck. I never want to DDR to Ke$ha. Ever. And how the fuck do you DDR to “Hey Soul Sister”? What a terrible mix. The one advantage to going the PS3 route that I could see was that the PS3 pads used USB connections, which meant that I could ALSO use the pad on my PC. Sweet! I could play Stepmania all the time! I loved Stepmania when I was a kid!

…And then I discovered that most USB dance pads will not function with Windows 8, because Windows 8 is an asshole.

So that left the PS2. My trusty, oft forgotten friend, the PS2. I still had a PS2 Slim, shoved into the back of my entertainment center, missing both its power cord and all of its controllers, but still functional. So I hit up eBay, found a power cord, a memory card,

REMEMBER MEMORY CARDS??

and a bunch of PS2 DDR games for less than $10 apiece. Picking a pad was trickier. There are a metric asston of PS2 DDR pads available on eBay, and you are spoiled for choices. The PS2 years were the DDR franchise’s heyday, so there are several levels of dance pad to chose from.

Level One: The Plastic-y Bundled Pad

These were the pads that typically came bundled with a game. They are thin and foldable, so they are easy to store. The ones made by Konami or Red Octane have a pretty decent sensitivity, but off brand ones are generally pretty terrible, so look for the “Stay Cool!” or the Red Octane logo before buying. These pads tend to slip around a lot on the floor while you are dancing, and the plasticy-surface feels like you are dancing on a trash bag. You can’t really play on these mats barefoot, as your bare feet will stick a little bit to the surface, making the pad shift around during songs even more. These pads really do shift too much to effectively play anything harder than Standard difficulty, even on carpet. The advantage to these is that you can pick one up for somewhere between $5-$15, and they’re easy to find.

Level Two: The Foam-Backed Non-Slip Pad

These pads are a step up from the usual bundled pad, with a matte plastic dancing surface that doesn’t stick to your feet. These pads are slightly thicker, and backed with a dark grey foam that does a much better job of staying put on the floor. They’re still pretty easy to fold up and store, but they’re slightly bulkier, due to their thickness. Once again, the Konami and the Red Octane brands are more reliable in terms of sensitivity. These pads will do fine on Standard or lower-difficulty Heavy songs, but they still aren’t weighty enough to keep from slipping around during really serious dancing. Even dancing on Standard will see you readjusting the pad between every song. They can typically be had for somewhere between $10-$20, but you can often find them for around the same price as the plastic-y bundled pads, because the differences between the two aren’t readily apparent to someone who doesn’t play DDR.

Level Three: The Foam-Core Pad

These babies are AWESOME. I had a set of these when I was a teenager. They are soft pads with the matte plastic dance surface and the non-slip foam backing of the Level Two pads, but with the added bonus of a zippered internal pouch into which you slide an inch-thick layer of dense foam. The result is a pad heavy enough to stay put while dancing through almost anything but the very highest difficulty Challenge songs, but still light enough to be easy to move and to store. These are a lot bulkier than the Level One and Two pads, and you can’t fold them down without disassembling the foam core, so they do take up a bit of space. The foam core isn’t hard to take apart and reassemble, though, so it isn’t that big of a deal. These pads do, however, represent a serious jump up in price: even on eBay, they’re hard to find for less than $60, and a brand new one could set you back somewhere between $90 and $120.

Level Four: The Metal Pad

These are for the really serious DDR nuts. I used to know a guy who owned a metal pad, but one of the buttons was broken, and he couldn’t find anyone who could fix it. Even broken, though, that thing was worth something like $150. They come with or without handles, and represent the closest thing you can get to the arcade experience short of buying an actual arcade machine. These things are usually made with steel frames, and are really difficult to break. I have no idea how my friend managed to break his. They are also REALLY heavy. But man, you can’t get a better DDR experience than these. I’ve played on metal pads at conventions, and it was really great. I have no idea where I would store one of these fuckers, though, and they can cost more more money than I make in a month. On eBay, a used metal pad will cost somewhere between $200-$400. Brand new ones run between $350 and $900, depending on the model. Those prices typically do not include shipping, mind you, which will easily add an extra $100 to the cost.

I knew I didn’t want to buy a Level One pad, and I couldn’t afford a Level Four. Or store one. Or lift one by myself. So I scoured the listings, trying to find the best deal on a Level Two or Three.

And lo and behold!

*cue angels singing*

A Red Octane Ignition foam-core dance pad for $40!! I did a little dance of joy, let me tell you. The seller was listing the pad for his girlfriend, and I don’t think he realized what he had. Ignition pads are some of the nicest and most reliable on the market, but are increasingly hard to find, since Activision shuttered the RedOctane division in 2010. RedOctane is probably the most well-known for its Rock Band games, but they perfected the art of making video game peripherals by practicing on making some of the best DDR dance pads this world has ever seen. This was a VERY lucky find.

All in all, I spent about $80 on all of the things I needed to play DDR, which seems like a pretty worthwhile investment. When the arcade machine at the bowling alley was functional, I probably spent $6 or $7 a week for my twice-weekly sessions, so this stuff will pay itself off in a month or two. Also, now I get to play DDR EVERY DAY. It’s better for my exercise regimen, as well, because I actively WANT to play DDR every day. That’s more than I can say for most forms of exercise.

Along with the pad, I purchased DDR Supernov 1 & 2, DDR EXTREME, and In the Groove, which is not actually a DDR game, but is in fact, Red Octane’s take on the genre.

Once again, RedOctane proves its enlightened level of mastery over the entire genre of rhythm games, because this game is hands down the best DDR game that has ever existed, at least to my mind. The soundtrack is much more Europop/electronica rather than the JPOP/American pop music that dominates most DDR titles, and I recognize that Europop is not for everyone. I have always had a secret weakness for Eurovision, though, so being able to DDR to Europop is pretty exciting to me. Beyond the interesting and different soundtrack, though, In the Groove is just full of little touches that make the game really attractive to someone who plays a lot of DDR.

For one thing, the game is a lot harder than your typical DDR. Most DDR courses are rated between 1-10 in difficulty. In the Groove goes up to 13. Granted, I think you would have to be a cyborg to dance a 13-level course, but it’s there! As someone who has played DDR for almost a decade and a half, I really appreciate the challenge. Also, In the Groove dance courses tend to be almost a minute longer than most DDR courses, another thing I really enjoy. Most DDR tracks only clock in at a minute and a half or so, and if I’m dancing for my daily workout, I WANT to be dancing longer. Having a course that extends two and a half or even three minutes is really cool.

Beyond those really significant game play improvements, there are a lot of little details that really make me think that In the Groove was designed by people who played a LOT of DDR. For instance, every DDR game has a combo counter, which tracks the number of steps you’ve gotten a Great, Perfect, or Marvelous rating on, but In the Groove keeps the counter going BETWEEN SONGS, letting you track your combos through an entire course or gameplay session. My all time best multi-song combo is 706 so far, but my goal is 1000. And I think it’s awesome that that is even an option! Another thing that I really appreciate is the meter at the top of the screen that tracks how much of the song you have to left to play. It’s a nice little touch that keeps me from thinking a song is over, only to have more arrows unexpectedly appear, ruining my combos!

Finally, the thing that I love the most about In the Groove, is that you don’t have to jump through any bullshit hoops in order to unlock more songs. Playing Game Mode? You unlock songs. Fitness Mode? You unlock songs. Are you playing this game? Then you will be unlocking songs. I particularly appreciate this when I compare it to the asinine fuckery that is the unlock system in the Supernova games, which forces to me to play dance courses that are entirely too easy for me in order to unlock songs.

I picked In the Groove up on eBay brand new for $10. I recommend you seek out a copy of this game, it is well worth your time.

Now if you all will excuse me, I’m going to go and play all the DDR. Forever.