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Topic: Being polite when saying no to grandchild vacation (Read 18953 times)

Under no circumstances should your daughter miss her first week of kindergarten. It sounds like your inlaws thought they could steamroll you and your "silly reasons" for not wanting DD to accompany them, but not that there's a "real reason" they're pouting over not getting their way. I hope your husband is on your side on this issue.

School is really not the issue here. You are the parent, you made a decision, they have to accept it, period. You are not obligated to hand over your child on demand and they do not get decide whether or not your reasons are good enough. If they bring up the issue again, give them a puzzled look and ask them if they had forgotten that you had already given them the answer and that the answer was no.

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What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

If they bring it up again, say, "I really wish you would stop bringing this up. It's really upsetting for me to keep having to say no to you. I don't like denying you time with your grandkid, you *know* how important I think it is that she have a great relationship with you. Every time you bring this up, it puts me in a really uncomfortable position. Please stop doing that to me. I'd like *us* to have a good relationship too."

If they bring it up again, say, "I really wish you would stop bringing this up. It's really upsetting for me to keep having to say no to you. I don't like denying you time with your grandkid, you *know* how important I think it is that she have a great relationship with you. Every time you bring this up, it puts me in a really uncomfortable position. Please stop doing that to me. I'd like *us* to have a good relationship too.DD will not be able to miss her first week of kindergarten."

I'd actually take any emotion out of the equation. If she mentions her they might take it as an excuse to mention theirs.

Well, actually, that was totally my point--that they should realize they're making it difficult for her, that they're putting her in a tough spot.

This assumes that they're the sort of people who wouldn't WANT to make someone else uncomfortable or unhappy. I guess I'm projecting--my ILs would do exactly what hers have done. And if I said, "you're really making me uncomfortable," they'd realize what they were doing.

School is really not the issue here. You are the parent, you made a decision, they have to accept it, period. You are not obligated to hand over your child on demand and they do not get decide whether or not your reasons are good enough. If they bring up the issue again, give them a puzzled look and ask them if they had forgotten that you had already given them the answer and that the answer was no.

This. You are the parent. If you want to keep your kid home to chew bubblegum and raise champion racing turtles, that's your complete and utter right. Just because I may think that's a total waste of time that doesn't matter because it's not my kid.

And I say this as someone who would be very willing to take my kid out of school for a week or two for a week of travel (but even I would not miss the first week)

As a parent of highschool/college age kids, I think that missing school in Kindergarten is not a big deal. If it were the first week I would say no because she needs to make friends, learn the routines etc. But if it were a few weeks into the year and I wanted her to spend time with grandparents then I would say yes. Grandparents won't be around forever but school will. :-) However, if you don't think the grandparents are up to supervising a 5 year old then use school as the excuse.

As a parent of highschool/college age kids, I think that missing school in Kindergarten is not a big deal. If it were the first week I would say no because she needs to make friends, learn the routines etc. But if it were a few weeks into the year and I wanted her to spend time with grandparents then I would say yes. Grandparents won't be around forever but school will. :-) However, if you don't think the grandparents are up to supervising a 5 year old then use school as the excuse.

Total POD with this. I also think spending this kind of quality time with one's family is just as imporant if not more important than a week of Kindergarten. But at the same time, it really doesn't matter what we think. If the OP does not want her daughter to miss school then its her decision not to send her daughter on the trip. I just wanted to POD this because the grandparents might be more in line with our way of thinking and may be wondering if there is something else wrong.

I'm kind of confused about the program though. Is this some kind of pre-summer program or a summer camp?

OP explained the mechanics, but it comes under the heading of "year-round school." Sometimes there are physical reasons for this -- too many students in a school, and sometimes there are educational reasons. With shorter breaks between sessions kids tend to forget less. My ex taught in a year-round school for several years. It's not a bad schedule, except that the rest of the world takes the summer off and it can be hard to find child care or other activities.

On the "missing Kindergarten isn't a big deal." The PP are right that missing a few days of finger painting won't hurt a child. But "begin as you wish to continue" is a good philosophy and ditching school right at the very beginning sets a poor precedent, both for the child and for the family. In addition, the first few days of any school session are important. Kindergarten is transition and it could be very upsetting to get dumped in with a bunch of kids who already know where their table is, how to get the crayons, and who their new friends are. IMO, it would be a bad idea to put a kid into that position for something that isn't urgent. The child is 4! There's absolutely no reason the grandparents have to do this with the child this year.

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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

In my defense, I got sick every single time I went, so it was medically advised.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

If I was the OP the part that would concern me would be taking all their grandkids to a cabin for a week. How many grandkids? and how old are they? Depending on the answer to that this could be one big nightmare.

Perhaps it's time to start saying no to the inlaws more often. If they are used to having their way every time they ask for her, it could create an unhealthy dynamic. Plus lilacgirl is growing up and will need to enjoy time with her parents more when she's off from school.

Two things, one as others have said she really doesn't need to be shipped away from home soon after a new baby arrives, even being out all day at school at the same time will be bad enough. Make sure you tell her lots how much you've missed having her there, and that baby missed her too so you explained to 'it' that she's a big girl and has to go to school now but how lovely it will be when she gets home each day.

The other is that for the first few weeks at school she will be really tired (and possibly emotional) at the end of each day. She will need quiet downtime at weekends enjoying the routine she is used to. To rush her away for a couple of days is just too unkind so stick to your guns. When she and the babe are a bit older, and she's fully confident at school, then might be the time for her to go and visit - but a week is still a long time away when you're that young unless it's with grandparents you see all the time and who are close enough to bring you home immediately is there is a real upset of any sort.