Monday, June 11, 2012

Originally known as the "Matadors," likely due to their defense's habit of standing in front of opponents and then whiffing the contact. Ironically, they teach their receivers the opposite approach, as evidenced by Robert Johnson.

34 Bowl Appearances (12-21-1 record).

11 Conference Titles (cero Big 12).

1 Division Title ASTERISK!!!

0 National Titles.

0 Heisman's

0 Negative STD Screenings.

Stadjium: Jones AT&T, capacity appx. 60,000

Mascot: Yosemite Sam.

In 1934, dirt aggy Coach Pete Cawthon ordered flashy uniforms for the team because, to wit, "If they weren't going to attract attention playing, they would at least be noticed because of their fancy unis." Based on their partnership with Under Armour and play as of late, not much has changed, has it? I'm pretty sure Cawthon is Phil Knight's undead mentor.

History with TCU: Did you know that the TCU-Tech game is unofficially called the West Texas Championship? Me Either. Guess aggy isn't the only team Tech has forced a rivalry upon. Overall, TCU and da have played 86 times with Tech holding a 28-23-3 edge in the series, although to hear Tech folk tell it TCU may as well not have fielded a football program in the post-SWC years because, as it goes, the only way to play REAL football is to lose the majority of your games in a REAL conference. It's funny, because to the untrained eye Tech didn't field much of one, either. Just don't tell them that unless you want to get slack-jawed to death regarding that one time they beat Texas then immediately were raped by Oklahoma and Ole Miss. But anyhoo... in the Patterson Era the two schools have faced off twice, with markedly different results. There was the 2004 edition, fondly remembered as the time TCU jumped out to a 21-0 lead before being outscored 14-70 the rest of the game. Other losses have had more of an overall impact, but I bet if you cornered Patterson on the issue he'd tell you that was his worst day on the field as a head coach given the pride he places on his defensive units. This is probably why the next matchup went in the complete opposite direction, with TCU being one of the only teams to ever hold a Leach offense without a TD in a 12-3 squeaker. Remember how miserable pregame was with all the Tech fans milling about, but how gloriously the tide swung once the clock ticked 0:00? Just keep that in mind every other year when their uneducated hordes roll through town. That game will always get a LOT worse before it gets better based on their presence, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Another fun tidbit about the "West Texas Championship" is that their band was at one point so beloved that Will Rogers actually funded their trip from Lubbock to FW to perform at halftime. The band is apparently a point of pride for Tech folk, once again giving all us normals more ammunition to look down on them. Oh yeah, and they also stole our secondary coach and, realizing that defense doesn't jibe with the culture in Lubbock - lack of chastity belts, included- let him go, only for him to return to FW. I'd expect a little extra motivation from our defense when Tech comes to town.

A shitton of jokes regarding Sonny Cumbie's last name by college era SWW.

Rivalries:

West Texas Championship vs. TCU. Again, this is a thing?

The Chancellor's Spurs vs. Texas. Do UT folk acknowledge this? The two teams have played as far back as 1928, and 61 times overall, but only made it annual in 1960 when Tech joined the SWC. Texas promptly won 20 of the first 23 matchups and holds a 46-15 edge in the series. However, in 1996, Tech was apparently feeling a little left out and their then chancellor initiated the Chanecellor's Spurs. The length's Tech will go to remain relevant... Since the rebranding, Texas has gone 12-4 over Tech, even beating them in 2010, the year that EVERYONE who wanted a victory over UT got one. Even Iowa State and UCLA got one! Your rivalry lacks symmetry.

aggy. dirt aggy has a statue of Will Rogers riding a horse on their campus, the ass of which reportedly faces College Station. Original aggy is practically built on inane lore and lame tradition. They really deserve each other. oa leads the series 37-32-1. Also, Tech kids pooped on aggy's bus last year.

Recent History: Last week we ripped on Baylor for their lack of a competitive football history, but truth be told, I'm not sure Tech is any better. Ok ok, to be fair, not many teams have had as poor of a 20 year run as Baylor; the fact that they've been able to convince the country that, after one 10 win season, they're all of a sudden relevant is the most incredible smoke and mirrors act enacted by a Biblical institution since Jesus bailed from that cave, except Baylor didn't save mankind. But honestly, what has Tech done to merit their attitude? Beat Texas on a last second miracle play? Wreck Oklahoma's season while remaining bowl ineligible? Firing the only overwhelmingly successful Coach they've ever had and who was content in Lubbock to appease the bench warming son of America's biggest attention whore/hooker murderer? Perhaps Leach's biggest miracle working, and the one that got overlooked, was the fact that his players actually graduated, a major obstacle for the brainiacs who pay their tuition to Lubbock High School II. Ok, so I'm being harsh for the harsh's sake. Well, except for the part about Techie's being dumb, because WHOO BOY are they dumb! Outside of GP, Mike Leach is without question my favorite head man in the college ranks, and it's just a total shame he had to come into his own in Lubbock and aid that program in the process. Tommy Tuberville, though, can go eat shit and, fortunately, my attitude towards him matches his success rate in Lubbock, which has not been impressive. Again, we're talking about a school whose greatest season ever resulted in an 11-2 record and bowl loss to Ole Miss. OLE MISS! A school who would fire their coach a couple of years later for being miserable at his job. Is that really something to be celebrated? So, in other words, Tuberville doesn't have a ton to live up to. Instead, despite bringing in some of the greatest recruiting classes in Tech history, Tom Tom has only compiled a 13-12 record, including 5-12 in Big 12 play. That's...not so good. Last year the Raiders won fewer than 6 games for the first time in 20 years. And it's not like he came into a brutal situation; Tech was coming off 3 straight bowl berths and 9 overall since 2000. For his work, Tech gave him a raise to $2 million per season, suggesting that Tech is just as irresponsible with their checkbooks as they are with their contraception. He will leave as soon as another school gives him an offer.

2012 Outlook: Considering the Raiders were 5-7 last year and dead or near-dead last in quite a few defensive statistical categories, I think you can safely say they have few places to go but up. But will they? The Raiders do return QB Seth Doege, an occasional bright spot on offense last year after throwing for 4,000 yards, 28 TDs and completing 68% of his passes. Doege also gets back leading receiver Eric Ward and leading rusher Eric Stephens, although a running back at Texas Tech is sort of like tits on a boar as a great man once said. Stephens was injured during the offseason however, and might have to redshirt and his backup was injured as well. So, uh, yeah, they're probably going to be even more on dimensional. The Raiders also lose 2 offensive line starters, to which I say, "Shut up your whore mouth talking to me about offensive line depth woes." But really, shoring up what was easily the Conference's worst defense - keep in mind, they play in the same Conference as Baylor for those who haven't been keeping up with orientation - is going to be the difference between a 4 win season and an 8. Six starters return from last year's unit, but apparently this was not seen as a positive development as Tuberville brought in a slew of Juco transfers to fill some gaps. But talent lack aside, Tech will also be breaking in their FOURTH defensive coordinator in FOUR years, which, to use another swinealogy, is basically just putting lipstick on a pig because Tech has NEVER been good on defense. It's kinda their thing. The fact that Leach was able to win with what accounts to literal paper mache tigers on the defensive side of the ball is just another example of the man's genius. Tech will continue to score points, but they genuinely might need to score 50 a game to have any shot at winning. Good luck with that, guys.

You're missing two Tech players that were actually decent-good in the NFL, probably because they play positions no one associates with Tech: - Zach Thomas- Sammy Morris (relevant if you play in tougher fantasy leagues)