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So, get back from running errands and see a huge delivery of flowers on my front porch.

From my exH wishing me a Happy Birthday, which is tomorrow.

For the life of me, I don't think I will ever understand men.

It was these kind of gestures that drew me into him. In the beginning, just very thoughtful, I always knew he wanted me. He "woo'd" the crap out of me. Obviously, it turned after a few years in the relationship...but...blarg. Confusing.

ETA...This was our "code". This is how he got me to go out with him. He sent me a dozen roses to my work so I had to call him to thank him. So, it was "code" for us for many, many years. I just don't get why he would do this. He still tells me he "loves me"...but I hate having triggers. Crap.

Thanks guys, but I could really care less about my b-day. Going to have fun with family and friends...but not a big deal.

I just don't get why my ex feels the need to continue to "win" me. It feels manipulative. I don't mind being...pleasant...things go better. For his birthday, I let the kids pick out something. He did ask what I wanted, and I listed a lotion I like that he could take the kids to the store to buy.

But probably $100 worth of flowers? Come on....

How many others ex's here do this? He has a long term partner, who I found out ex asked him to marry him (still illegal here...) via Twitter. They are serious.

I'm sure 1)either his bf doesn't know or 2) the bf thinks it is so sweet that ex "takes care of me" but didn't bother to mention that is code for us.

Fuck. Just needed to vent. Not like I can post it on FB! "I have the best ex-H EVER!"

He's still on the warpath to trying for your absolution. Poor thing. It must suck always having to live with yourself like that.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

Sad in AZ♀ 24239Member # 24239

Posted: 6:51 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013

Since he involved the kids, I think you'd be within your rights to speak to him about this. I'd tell him that in the future he should just spend the money on the kids.

But you know what will and will not work with him. I'm sorry he made you feel icky on your birthday.

Happy Birthday--really enjoy your day!

May your 2015 be more FUCK YEAH! than fuck this

Posts: 21895 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY

SBB♀ 35229Member # 35229

Posted: 7:11 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013

Make no mistake - he did this to make himself feel better. No different to the rest of them. Like the others he lied to himself as much as to yo.

Regardless of his sexuality he is a cheater. I don't think that is lost on you but I sometimes wonder if you wonder if he would have cheated if he was straight. That would be an insidious "what if?" to deal.

I think yes. Cheating isn't about sex. I'm sure this is more common than we know but I'm also sure there are men and women who have come out later in life who have not cheated.

Don't feel bad about the party - use it as a way to show your kids how people keep their boundaries. My girls have asked similar questions and I try to answer honestly in an age appropriate way. I've found if you don't fill in the blanks they fill them themselves.

Something like: No sweetie - Daddy doesn't come to my parties and I don't go to his because we are not friends like that. Just like I don't go to <insert teachers name or some other adult they see you interact with> parties.

As for the flowers - I couldn't stand looking at them. I'd be adding bleach to the water or something. Passive aggressive, I know but I don't know how you would be able to explain that without the kids feeling shit about a gift from them displeasing you.

Happy birthday friend. I've never loved my birthday but the last two have been different - more like celebrations of my rebirth.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5922 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia

better4me♀ 30341Member # 30341

Posted: 1:04 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013

I'm sorry cmego. He is either f*cking clueless or a manipulative sob. Maybe both. If my ex had a pot to piss in, this is something he would do too. Making sure I was thinking about him every time I looked at the damn things.

Crickets to him. "Thank you for the flowers kids, they are lovely."

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3424 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa

cmego♀ 30346Member # 30346

Posted: 8:16 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013

Well, I think he will forever be a person tying to make up for what he has done, and for that part, I feel sorry for him. What a sucky way to have to live your life. Always looking for atonement.

I think the issue, for me, is that his "over the top gestures" really mean nothing to him. I am more sensitive and look at the meaning, when, in reality, it means nothing to him except an attempt to get me to like him.

Once I realized that, I let it go and am now simply enjoying the beautiful flowers. It has been awhile since I received beautiful flowers.

I had a great birthday surrounded by friends and family. A wise SI friend told me to just take stock of my life and enjoy my day.

I did. I did my favorite birthday tradition, which was firing up my fire pit and roasting marshmallows, making s'mores. I sat with a drink in one hand, s'more in the other, listening to my friends and family chatting behind me...and a yard full of kids playing.

It was bliss. My now is good.

I do wish for a supportive healthy relationship, but if that doesn't happen, I am good. I am happy.

I could have an ex who is a complete asshole, instead I have one that sends me flowers and buys be gifts. I guess it could always be worse.

When IN that relationship, that part of ex was good. He did everything we, on SI, discuss are the "clues" that someone is into us. We KNOW it. No guessing. That fucks with me sometimes, that I KNEW ex was into me, he pursued hard, lots of over the top gestures and surprises, told the world he was in love with me.

Just as he is now doing the same to his partner.

So, I have to pause and think about clues in a relationship. When I have to start guessing what a guy wants, then I'm pretty sure the relationship isn't stable. But, on the other hand, I had a relationship where I knew exactly what the guy wanted (me), and he then later cheated, lied, and turned out to be gay.