Movember Special: We pay lip service to the best 'taches in gaming

Movember Special

We're all big fans of Movember here in the office. Well, the guys are anyway. In addition to raising awareness of men's health issues, it allows unmanly types (like us) to proudly wear our peach-fuzz free of discrimination. On any other month of the year, our pathetic attempts to grow a mustache would be mercilessly abused and ridiculed. But not so on November 1st -- for one month, our scratchy efforts become heroic.

This year, [[artnid:323469|Rockstar Games was an official sponsor of Movember|November's best mustache to appear in Red Dead Redemption]] -- which just about justifies the furry feature before you. Rest assured, we've left no whisker unturned in our mission to bring you the best mos that gaming has to offer.

It's the list we had to have.

The 'Guan Yu'

The Dynasty Warriors franchise is chock-full of beardy badasses, but none can compare with Guan Yu. The Lu Bei lieutenant's luxurious, silky mane is the stuff of legend, and we mean that literally (the 14th century novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms mentions his majestic soup-strainer on numerous occasions). Truly it is a mustache to win wars and unite kingdoms.

Our Verdict: The 'Guan Yu' is a virile look that is sure to set courtesans' heartbeats fluttering. (Provided you live in the 2nd century AD.) 8/10

The 'Snake':

When Konami released the first teaser images for [[artnid:224631|Metal Gear Solid 4|Review: Metal Gear Solid 4]], the first thing people noticed was Solid Snake's weathered old-duffer face, followed swiftly by that inglorious 'tache. The anti-mo crowd were quick to bristle ("first a mullet and now this?"), but we quietly approved of the new look. It reminded us of our kindly Geography teacher, Mr. Secombe.

Our Verdict: The 'Snake' is a solid look for hippie high school teachers and weathered survivalists. (Make sure to accessorise with a headband and mullet.) 7/10

The 'Monopoly'

The release of Monopoly on the Nintendo Wii gave the mustache world its first cover boy since a certain Mediterranean plumber. With a white collar twist. The capitalist fat cat's milky white whiskers are a symbol of wealth and good breeding; they set him apart from the great unwashed. We lowly scoundrels are unworthy to be in its presence.

Our Verdict: The 'Monopoly' is perfect for curmudgeonly scrooges who shut down orphanages for real estate and step briskly past blind old beggars. 8/10

The 'Dr. Robotnik'

Egads. If we're judging on sheer surface volume, the 'Dr. Robotnik' would win hands down. Just look at that thing! The guy is, like, 80 per cent mustache.

As the chief villain in the Sonic the Hedgehog series, Dr. Robotnik joins a long line of mustachioed megalomaniacs. Hitler, Saddam and Stalin would all be green with envy!

Our Verdict: If you're hell bent on world domination, the 'Robotnik' will suit you to a tee (after all, the 'Charlie Chaplin' is already taken). 9/10

The 'Lt. Price'

We're unashamed to admit we have huge man-crush on Lieutenant Price. Part of it is his brogue British accent and take-no-prisoners attitude, but mostly, it's all about the mustache. From the moment we caught sight of those devil-may-care muttonchops illuminated by his cigar, we were in love (er, in a strictly platonic sense, you understand). When he bought the farm at the end of [[artnid:198959|Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare|Review:Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare]], we were actually choking back tears. A mustache that makes grown men cry? Believe it.

Red Dead Redemption

The original Red Dead Revolver was surprisingly light on the face fur, considering it was set in the Wild West. The main character was cleaner cut than Baby Spice, with nary a handlebar mustache in sight.

Thankfully, Rockstar Games rectified this oversight with the sequel, [[artnid:277792|Red Dead Redemption|Rockstar announces Red Dead Redemption]]. In fact, they went so far as to offer gamers the chance to have their own whiskers immortalised in the game! ([[xref:http://rockstarhq.multiplayernetwork.net/news/1817/|Check out the winner's lip fur here|November's best mustache to appear in Red Dead Redemption]].) Now if only John Marston would take some styling tips from Al Swearengen - we'd have the ultimate mustache simulator.

Our Verdict: Patchy. 6/10

The 'Heihachi'

Heihachi Mishima has been brawling his way through the Tekken universe for several decades. Throughout each defeat and triumph, one thing has remained constant: his mootang. Even at the ripe old age of 75, Heihachi still refuses to go under the barber's blade. It makes you wonder what he's hiding. A harelip perhaps? Maybe he should start an Iron Lisps Tournament! [You're fired -- Ed.]

Our Verdict: Suitable in jet black or salt-n-peppa shades, the 'Heihachi' is a perfect look for martial arts mentalists. 7/10

The Haggar

The mayor of Metro City is the manliest man to have ever lived. If Freddy Mercury and Jesse Ventura had a love child, it would look like this guy. Just drink in that testosterone. Seriously, drink it.

Our Verdict:

Are you ready, hey! Are you ready for this?
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?
Etc.

The 'Mario'

Mario was rocking the mo before most of us were old enough to shave. The titular ‘tache made its first appearance in Donkey Kong way back in 1981. In fact, it’s older than Mario himself. The original arcade machine starred a mustachioed carpenter called ‘Jumpman’ – so the whiskers begat the plumber!

According to legend, Shigeru Miyamoto added the iconic lip fur in lieu of a mouth due to the graphical limitations of the day. To quote George from Seinfeld, that’s like discovering plutonium by accident!

Our Verdict: Both delightfully thick and meticulously groomed, the 'Mario’ is a moustache that any Italian plumber would be proud of. 10/10

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