"As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."--Alan Moore

Thursday, March 22, 2012

How to Grab a Perfect Pair

THE HOSEMASTER’S BASICS OF WINE APPRECIATION 3

In this edition of the
Basics of Wine Appreciation we’re going to talk about wine and food pairing.
Food and wine go together like death and old people. You can’t talk about one
without talking about the other. But it makes you uncomfortable. You feel
overwhelmed by it, ill-prepared, even scared. But Grandma’s gonna die anyway.
All you can do is try to make sure it isn’t ugly. So it is with food and wine.

How does wine enhance
food, and vice-versa?

Imagine a meal so wonderful it erases the need to get drunk.
Yeah, I know, you can’t. Yet imagine a wine so amazing you don’t feel the need
to eat. Easy, right?! So really what we’re talking about is the meaninglessness
of food without wine. I’d no sooner eat a meal without wine than I’d watch TV
with my pants on. Which can get tricky in airport terminals. (And explains the
public address warning to not handle a stranger’s package.) Wine enhances food
by altering your consciousness. One minute you’re thinking, “This dinner
sucks,” but a glass of wine or two later you’re thinking, “I’d better eat more
or I’ll be shitfaced.” Oh, there may be other reasons wine enhances food, but,
honestly, that’s the only one that matters.

What are the basic
things to remember about matching wine and food?

First of all, you should remember that it’s always important
to have way more wine than food. A good rule of thumb is one bottle of wine for
every three ounces of meat. (If you’re inviting vegetarians over for dinner I’m
not really sure why, but you’ll need a lot more wine just to get through the
damn meal. Hint: Gruner Veltliner is
basically Beano.) Secondly, remember that the price of the wine and the
price of the food should be in inverse proportion. As the price of the wine rises,
the cost of the dinner should get lower. What are you, a sheikh? Would you like
fries with that sheikh? Serving very pricey wine with fancy-schmancy food is a
ticket to culinary disaster, like making reservations at Hooters for Mother’s
Day. Stick to cheap wines with your expensive meals. You don’t need Chateau
d’Yquem with your foie gras! That’s nuts. You can get the same experience
serving it with Barefoot Moscato. Use common sense. And when you want to
feature a very expensive wine you’ve been saving for a special occasion, why
ruin it with an expensive meal? That bottle of Screaming Eagle? Hot dogs and
Tater Tots. Napa Valley’s most expensive and snootiest
cult wine screams for pig intestine and floor sweepings. Which might also
describe their mailing list.

You also want to remember that wine just isn’t meant to go
with food from many foreign cultures. There are people that will tell you that
the perfect wine with Thai food is Gewürztraminer. Have you ever had Gewürztraminer
with Thai food? It’s like trying to put out a house fire with Chanel No. 5.
It’s the same with Indian food. People always ask what wine goes with curry.
Something red? Something white? Something with residual sugar? No. Actually, I
use Indian food as a foil for the corked wines from my cellar. Something about
a touch of TCA that brings out the best in Indian cuisine. (Hint: That same wet dog component is
wonderful with Korean food.) Don’t force stupid wine and food pairings.
Just get over it. There isn’t a perfect wine match for every food, and anyone
that tells you otherwise is an idiot. Or writes for Food and Wine. Same thing.

What’s the best way
to approach pairing wine with food?

It’s always best when planning a dinner party around wine
and food to pretend you’re going to be dining alone. If it were just you eating
that carefully prepared feast, what would you drink? Reflect upon your past
experience eating alone, no doubt quite extensive if you’re always annoying
your friends with food and wine pairings. The answer is, obviously, you’d drink
whatever the fuck you felt like drinking. So treat your guests as you would
treat yourself. Just open some goddam wine and get over it.

Aren’t white wines
better with fish and red wines better with meat?

It’s a little known fact to everyone except experienced wine
people that red wines are better with everything. Everything. I repeat,
everything. White wines aren’t designed to accompany food. They’re all messed
up with acidity, and you serve them really cold. OK, maybe you serve white wine
with really cold food like gazpacho, ice cream and everything served by that
really drunk waitress at IHOP. But otherwise, always think red wine with
dinner. Also, don’t let anyone tell you that Champagne is great with food. Just think
about it. Underripe fruit fermented in a bottle until it bubbles? What are we,
homeless people? No. Champagne,
if it’s any good, ruins the taste of food. It does, however, taste really good
on human flesh.

So why do we spend so
much time and effort on matching food with wine?

There’s a huge Food and Wine Cartel that makes unspeakable
amounts of money intimidating people about what wine they should consume with
their food, that makes them feel they are missing out, that they’re culinary
and social failures. There are whole cable channels devoted to it, countless
magazines, an endless parade of winemaker dinners and wine-pairing menus. Let
the experts tell you what to drink with your gourmet meal! You’re stupid, you’d
probably ruin it with that wine you just like to drink. All you need to do is
subscribe, or tune in, or leave it in our hands, and a world of sensual
pleasure awaits you, a world unobtainable to mere mortals, those without the
secret metrics. What better way to rob folks of the pleasures of both food and
wine? Talk it to death.

RonYou will never convince me that champagne and fried chicken are not a "perfect pair." This however, belongs on a refrigerator magnet: "So treat your guests as you would treat yourself. Just open some goddam wine and get over it. "

Meaningless Awards

Follow the HoseMaster

About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."