This time there was no cat for a night-long chase. I was awoken by T’s whisper, “Allison, don’t go into our bathroom. There’s a squirrel in there.” With that he rolled over went back to sleep. My eyes flung open into a position they’d keep until morning. I listened to small crashes and frantic scratches all night from the bathroom. I thought of all of the things in there that I love that I’d have to throw into a pyre in the morning.

And silly me, I thought a squirrel locked in my bathroom all night was bad. Then T told me the whole story: While I lay dead to the world, he felt a critter on the bed. (A CRITTER ON THE BED!) It walked over his feet and he kicked at it. (I’m panicking as I write this.) When he felt it sniffing at his hand (!!!!) he flung it away. He heard it land in the bathroom so he got up and shut the door. Then he offered me the warning and went back to sleep.

WTF is wrong with the man I married? Any sane person would freak out, stand on the bed and issue a series of glass-shattering screams. Honestly, a wild animal on your bed, sniffing at your hand? It’s too much to bear. And you know what’s the worst part? I was in that bed too! Who knows how that squirrel violated me in my sleep before heading over to T’s side of the bed?

In the morning T caught it and I got some photos. He was annoyed with me because I couldn’t stop myself from my own occasional (all the time) screams and shrieks. I totally freaked the kids out and for some reason T thinks that’s a bad thing. Hello?? I’d like my kids to have normal reactions to wild animals in the house. So here he is. Our flying squirrel:

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49 Responses

doh!!!!! I’m glad you showed the pictures…when I read squirrel I imagined the squirrel that I know… much bigger and the tail? HUGE!

I will admit…that squirrel is pretty cute (in comparison)…however, with that said, I think you totally reacted normally. You should have seen me react to a bee in the house last night. Your hubby sounds like MM. Lock it somewhere and deal with it later…then fall back asleep. NO PROBLEM (for you my love!).

Glad to hear it was caught…not going to ask what happened to it after that. 🙂

Haha, Oh wow! I read this post to my husband (who has a thing about squirrels) and he said “That man is my hero. He did everything he should do and went back to bed.” He then proceeded to tell me his squirrel story:

Back when I was 20 I changed universities and moved in with my girlfriend’s dad, an art professor, for a semester. Not long after I moved in, I came home and there was a squirrel on the porch. I big fat furry squirrel. And it was trying to get in the apartment!!! I freaked out and got a broom and a bucket of water. There was an epic battle. I samuraied that m’fer. But the battle was a little too epic. After the fact I was actually pretty embarrassed about the whole thing so I didn’t tell anyone.

And then a month later, they were talking about how their squirrel didn’t come around anymore. “You have a squirrel?!?” I asked.

Yes, they did. They spent two years training it with treats and food and it had finally gotten pretty friendly when I moved in. But it hadn’t been around in a while. When I finally fessed up to beating the squirrel senseless with a broom and dousing it, she was really quite mad at me. 🙂

Giving me kisses? No thanks. Yes, I’m sure the squirrel was out of his mind terrified, but that doesn’t really make him less skeavy in my eyes. And those pictures of you playing with a park squirrel? I want to douse you in purell.

I don’t think it’s cute! I would have been screaming bloody murder. I think squirrels are rodents. EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! I may have slapped my husband for waking me to tell me about the squirrel while it was still in my house and he was still in my bed. Yeah that definitely would have been a slap. We may not have talked for the rest of the day.

Oh. My. God. How are you ever going to sleep?! I don’t have anything against squirrels…but I do if they’re in my friggin’ bed!! (Or even in my house for that matter!) And how did you not physically force your husband to capture the little guy as soon as he knew about it, AND GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE! Is he running a little B&B for squirrels that you don’t know about? If he can capture it in the morning, he can damn well catch it in the middle of the night. He would not have gotten a wink from the poking and kicking; he’s lucky to be married to someone willing to listen to a squirrel crashing around in her bathroom until he was ready to wake up. I am not that woman. You should be commended for your patience and he should sit in the doorway on watch all night until you are able to recover from the trauma and sleep again. Yikes!

LOL. I am reading this to my husband immediately. I think his rationalization is that if I wanted it taken care of so badly right then, I could do it myself. If I wanted him to do it, he’d do it when he’s ready.

One night, right after we moved into our house, Hubs and I were sitting in our den. Watching TV. Hanging out in our new house like the naive new homeowners we were. And something moved. I saw it, from the corner of my eye. It stuck its head out of the baseboard. IT WAS A MOUSE. In my BRAND NEW (to me) house. I thought rodents were only a side benefit of renting hell holes. Little did I know.

And yes, I properly freaked out. Screaming and shrieking and all. Hubs “took care of it” that night. GROSS.

I have to know – what happened to the squirrel? Those guys are actually great pets, if you are into rodents that stink up the place like pee. Which I am not. But they AREN’T in the wild too often?!?!?!?!?!

We set it free in our backyard and it quickly scurried up a tree. I don’t know how common they are around here. I’ve only seen one twice, both times in my bedroom. Not AT ALL interested in a rodent as a pet. Blech.

It’s cute from a far, but not cute if it’s in your home or bed. I would be eight there along with you screaming off the top of my lungs. They would have to call the fire department to find out why that siren (my screams) were going on all night.

A year ago, one tried to enter through my window while I was putting a screen up. I screamed and yelled and waved so frantically that I think I pulled something. The stupid this was still trying to enter! I’m just glad it got to it’s senses and left.

We have the regular garden variety squirrels too. This one is the kind with big flaps of skin between it’s front and back feet so when it jumps it spreads out like wings and can glide. Just writing about that makes me want to dry heave. Flying squirrel in my bed. Oh dear God I’m never going to sleep again.

Is that flying squirrel wearing kohl eyeliner? Was he out clubbing or looking for an underground rave, got drunk on acorn beer and simply mistook T’s hand for the cozy branch he normally dozes on nearby after all-night benders?

Even if this was the case (I mean, everyone has gone to the wrong home at least once after a night of clubbing – right?), T shoulda known his job is Rogue Bedroom Rodent Bouncer, and kicked that furry derelict out on is stripy ass pronto.

That’s exactly how I felt every time my son’s hampster escaped, and he was all “BTW Mom, Riptide II got loose again.” Unless the dog could find it…I never knew where it was. It was like having a furry assassin in the house. Hampsters, good for three things, eating, pooping & escaping.

I’m glad your squirrel was a tiny thing, squirrels around my yard look like rats with fluffy tails. I was thinking you had a rat-squirrel the size of a cat in your bathroom. Phew. Good thing you have plenty of children’s placemats around for squirrel wrangling.

So sorry to laugh at your expense, but that is funny! We had a bat get in our house, and I flung myself over my baby, then army crawled with her to the bathroom where we stayed until my husband came home. He hid with us in the bathroom until animal control came. I’d say you guys handled wild animal invasion much better than us!

I seriously laughed out loud reading this! My husband would have done the exact same thing! Thank god Ive never had a furry (wild) being crawl into my bed, other than my husband 😉

My daughter walked into the mudroom of our house last summer and said “Mom, why is there a worm in here?” to which I replied “A Worm? What?” *walked in there* “OMG thats not a worm, thats a snake!” “Oh yeah Mom, it is a snake!” . Hubby was not home, not that it would have mattered since hes petrified of snakes, so we took care of business ourselves 🙂

It’s actually more of a deep sleepiness. The guy resists waking up completely as much as possible. Normally a very smart man, he has the intelligence of a half-witted old shoe upon waking. This was not a helpful trait when dealing with newborns all night.

I think I live in your town … Our cat brought a still-alive bat into our bed when my husband was gone for the weekend. Just me and the then-3-month-old. I somehow caught it in our duvet and it took every ounce of courage for me to drag that duvet outside. I then considered leaving my nice duvet out in the rain to be ruined. Then considering the cost to replace, I, hyperventilating, shook the duvet out. Scariest critter night of my life!!!

Do you think it is the same squirrel that has managed to get in there twice? I have heard that if a squirrel gets into your home you are supposed to (have someone) kill it, because otherwise they keep finding their ways into houses. Sorry, squirrel lovers!

Great read – I found it morbidly entertaining. I’m from Australia and so we don’t have squirrels down here. However my husband and I were in Boston four years ago on a 5 city-stop holiday across America starting in San Fransisco. After checking in to our hotel, we took a walk through nearby Boston Common and were fascinated by all the squirrels. That is until one of them charged my husband and lept at him as he took refuge behind a park bench. It was so funny, we had a good laugh.

I woke up one morning with my then 6 month old son sleeping in bed with me, while my hubby stood over us with a cardboard box. asking “Can I keep it!?” My answer…”What the hell is it?!” His answer…”A squirrel!” Our dog saved it from getting it’s ass kicked by another squirrel. We named him Charlie. Tried to nurse him back to health but by the time we realized his jaw was broken, it was too late. Charlie died in my arms. He really was a sweetie. But he never came to bed with me! Yuck! lol

Where do you live to have a squirrel like this? I have never seen one!

In our house, no one would’ve even noticed. We have 3 cats and 3 ferrets, all running amok, through the house. We may have felt him on the bed, assumed it was a ferret, went back to sleep- and later, woke up to a nasty “treat” left by the evil cats who would have eaten much of that cute squirrel after torturing it for awhile.

I’m glad no one was harmed and the critter got back outside! I bet that was scary!

I know this is an old post, but I was just laughing out loud reading it. I too, have a hate hate relationship with squirrels. When I was 7 months pregnant with my twins, I was attacked by a squirrel. It launched itself on my leg, and went all Tasmanian Devil on me. I had 4 puncture wounds on the back of my knee, which produced some nasty dark dark red blood, and scratches all around my leg. That led to a nasty big bruise on my leg for weeks. My water broke a week later (they say it had nothing to do with the bite, hmmmmm). Luckily squirrels don’t carry rabies. But needless to say, I hate freakin’ squirrels. Yours was not cute, and I would be equally horrified at one on my bed….shiver…..I love your blog, you keep me laughing all the time. Thanks for that!
Kimhttp://www.mytwintasticlife.com/
I wrote about my squirrel encounter on there too!

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I've learned that motherhood is a series of shocks and disappointments, disgusting things under my fingernails, horrifying smells and constant irritation. There’s all the joy too, but that’s the stuff you’ve already heard about. Here’s the stuff that you might not hear about.