A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

ba dum tsh

Clemmons NC

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I'm turning 54 soon so I went to see my doctor and asked him if my heart was healthy enough to have sex at my age.

He whipped off his lab coat and said, "Let's find out!"

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Remember there is always a silver lining

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks “What?”

He replies “SEX!!!”

Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?”

Howard smiled and replied "Parkinson's!”

Clemmons NC

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LOL. As I stated "a legend"!!!!!

Seguin TX

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Tom, if these two had been her grandparents - that poor mom would not have so much explaining to do:

Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "What is oral?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

Clemmons NC

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LOL KJ. You are a legend with your sense of humor. A "Masterpiece".

7 year old Susan was spending the week at her grandparents house and having a great time. She loved her grandparents so much. They were so loving. Sunday night, 10:30, she was awakened by pounding on her grandparent's bedroom wall. Then things got quiet. She picked up her cellphone and called her mom crying:

Mom: "Hello Susan are you OK?". Susan: "No Mom, I think Grandma and Grandpa just died". Mom: " why would you think such a thing? They are both in good health. what is going on?' Susan: "well, we went to church this morning. The preacher talked allot about the stairway to the heaven above and what it would be like to get there. Tonight I heard Grandma scream "Oh lord, I'm coming." Then I heard Grandpa yell Jesus, me too". Then Grandma said "I'm seeing stars Don't stop, we are almost there." "Then there was moans and groans and then total silence." "Grandpa and Grandma aren't even snoring. "

Seguin TX

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An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Clemmons NC

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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Karen said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then, Karen knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there-on the couch-naked

Thornton CO

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*snort!*

Bridgewater NJ

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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of to paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.

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