I enjoy washing myself with a rag on a stick, making sure my hair is just right, my make-up isn't wearing off, and making sure my nails haven't been broken.

My secret ambition is to experience life as a Viking fan for one day, but I refuse to wear purple speedos. I'm too insecure to bare people making inferences about me based on my purple speedos; I'm not royalty damnit!

I hope to marry a female Bears fan one day (I met one online, but when I found her home address, went there and decided to propose to her she had me arrested ... so obvious she is playing 'hard to get') and have lots of children that are raised as Lions fan. I mean in what other way can you instill some confidence and sense of achievement in children?

My hobbies also include staring out of windows and yelling at children about how they lack moral fiber, are smelly AND stupid, and should just quit life because they'll never be anything more than failures.

In my times of sorrow, I like to slap on a diaper and soil myself silly. Ahhhh, those feelings...