Wednesday

1. "The President has been fully briefed on the situation, and is closely following events as they unfold."

2. "The President will be busy working during his trip to Mar-a-Lago this weekend."

3. "The President barely knew (insert name of indicted campaign official) and doesn't remember attending any meetings with (him/her)."

4. "The President has the utmost respect for the independence of the Justice Department, and he will continue to cooperate fully with the Russia investigation."

5. "The President has the utmost respect for the legal process, and his repeated use of the term 'witch hunt' is no way meant to impugn the integrity of the Special Counsel."

6. "The President has the utmost respect for Congress, and its important constitutional role in our government."

7. "The President is not ignoring the tough sanctions that Congress overwhelmingly voted to impose on Russia. He's meticulously studying each one before making any decisions."

8. "The President has no plans to replace Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. They have an excellent working relationship."

"9. "The President has no plans to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions. They have an excellent working relationship."

10. "The President has not completely lost track of Ben Carson at the Department of Housing and Urban Development. They have an excellent working relationship."

11. "The President is extremely pleased with the efficiency and competence of his entire West Wing staff. Reports of dissension and rock-bottom morale are just more fake news."

12. "The President has full faith and confidence in (insert name of top White House official who is about to be fired or quit under pressure)."

13. "The President is grateful for the outstanding work done by (insert name of hastily departing White House official), and wishes (him/her) the very best in their future endeavors."

14. "The President is no longer involved in the management of the Trump Organization, and he totally trusts Don. Jr. and Eric to make all multimillion-dollar corporate decisions with zero input from him whatsoever."

15. "The President doesn't believe the fake-news reports about Jared Kushner using the White House to benefit his family's business. The President is confident his son-in-law will overcome these distractions and bring peace to the Middle East as soon as possible."

16. "The President has the utmost respect for all U.S. intelligence agencies. His comments about a 'deep state' conspiracy within the FBI are meant to be facetious, and are in no way intended to insult any of the dedicated agents working on the non-collusion investigation."

17. "The President is working closely with leaders on both sides of the aisle to achieve fair but strict immigration reform. He's not sure how the First Lady's parents got permanent residency, but he's delighted they're here."

18. "The President believes it's possible to make America first and still retain the respect of the global community."

19. "The President used some tough language when discussing Third World nations, but he did not specifically use the word (insert crude profanity). He has nothing but respect and admiration for the hard-working people of (insert offended country or continent)."

20. "The President had a productive six-minute conversation this morning with (insert name of wary foreign leader), and looks forward to improving the already fantastic relationship between our two nations."

21. "The President hasn't seen the (insert latest bombshell) story that you're referring to. He was in meetings all day long."

22. "The President strongly denies any improper behavior or relationship with (insert name of most recent female accuser). These allegations are just more recycled fake news."

23. "The President condemns racism, discrimination and misogyny in all forms. What he clearly meant by his words this afternoon was (insert benign explanation for whatever insensitive, ill-chosen remarks the President might have made.)"

24. "The President is spending a quiet evening with his family."

25. "The President's tweets at (insert whatever ungodly pre-dawn hour) this morning have been taken out of context by the mainstream media. What he clearly meant by his words was (insert anything halfway sensible that you can think of. Seriously, just wing it.)"

Carl Hiaasen (chiaasen@miamiherald.com) is a columnist for the Miami Herald.

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