My Work Tarting Up Other Places

Friday, February 14, 2014

If you are feeling pitiably single today, like my 12- and 14-year old daughters are (thanks a lot Valentine Industrial Complex. You fuckers) please take solace in that fact that even if you are with someone, V-day isn't a guaranteed win.

I
am thinking of the poor girl who will be receiving the teddy bear + off-brand drug store chocolate combo the man in front of me was buying yesterday at
Rite Aid. In the part of my brain that enjoys judging everyone,
I minused him further points because he--without being asked--told me
it was for his "Lady Friend." (Don't worry, dear reader, you and I are still good.)

If that doesn't make you feel better about your lot, perhaps you need something a little stronger, like Pornhub Comments on Valentines, featuring real porn-lust-inspired comments scrolled prettily on candy hearts.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I really really should be doing other work right now, but I want to thank the readers who bought stuff from Good Vibrations* via the GV link there on the right last month (what they bought only they shall know...) and the hardy group of dedicated Kindle subscribers who keep ponying up their 99 cents a month, even during months when I get all depressive and only post twice (most months). I love you hard, man.

Also getting love are the people used the Amazon link at right to buy an unholy array of weird and cool stuff.

Dental dams, yes! I have never heard anyone, ever, saying they were using, buying, or even thinking about dental dams so--I must know, Anonymous Purchaser!--are people around you generally using them? When you whip 'em out do people easily accept them, or is there some explaining/cajoling to do? Are they reusable? Is the cola flavor tasty, or not so much? Do tell!

2. They don't look like underwear--at all. They look like a garbage bag. And when donned, continue to look like a garbage bag, as though the wearer found himself suddenly naked in public and had to fashion pants out of the nearest material.

3. A pair "tastes like your worst nightmare," according to Shop in Private. And that's before a sweaty, aroused, possibly pube-shedding man nestles them up tight against his most very private crevices. I know this because the boss at Shop in Private apparently had an edible underwear taste-test with his employees.

Writes this dude, who is a really awesome boss, or quite the opposite:

Anticipation was high: Before we conducted the taste test (which was very
eagerly awaited by our employees and friends) everyone had heard of
edible underwear. The announcement that we would taste-test them was
electric. Everyone wanted to try a piece of what lies inside that
slender box. Are they delicious? Are they sweet? If we happened to get trapped in the warehouse by a
winter storm could we eat them to survive?

Is Edible Underwear Just Like a Fruit Rollup? The Answer: Nope. When
we opened the box, everyone looked on with amazement. "That's it?!" they
cried. "That's all there is?!" The underwear is folded into an object
about the size of a playing card. When unfolded it is a strip of
material no wider than a playing card and no thicker than a sheet of
paper. It is a thong, with spaghetti straps made of the same thin
material. It probably weighs less than a post-it note. Calling edible
underwear flimsy is a vast understatement. Upon tasting the edible underwear the mood only became worse "This is
terrible.", "Yuck", and "Gross" were all heard. I was suddenly ashamed
to have offered this to our employees. Could I be used under the
current labor laws? The tirade of product insults continued "this stuff
sticks to your teeth!" "My whole mouth is red!" "If you thought the pink
straps were terrible, you need to try the black part. Yuck!" The
insults kept coming.

In conclusion: Edible underwear is the world's biggest disappointment.
They are small and flimsy. They tastes terrible. They stick to your
teeth. They turn your mouth red. There is also no discernible difference
between the men's "brief" and the women's "undie".

So in brief: I am grateful as fuck for every one of you, we are awaiting news from the dental dam front and, edible underwear does not = a good snack. If you are hungry, I suggest going for something cola-flavored and/or containing fewer pubes.

xoxo
jill

*BTW, I get to pick out something to give away from Good Vibrations. What would be a good prize?

About Me

I write In Bed With Married Women, a blog about sex in all its boring, strange, funny, smokin' hot glory. My work has also appeared in Salon, AlterNet, Cosmopolitan, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mad, Games and the Los Angeles Times. I look grumpy in all pictures whether grumpy or just kinda neutral.