I might be married to the law but it’s a known truth “I” am the law and if I had no hair you could call me Kojak.

Now, we all know I’m the law-breaker in my house and my husband is the law enforcer.

He’s a deputy. I’m not.

Doesn’t matter. I still feel, as a wife, it’s my duty to advise him the best way to do his job that he’s been doing about 25 years that I’ve never done a day in my life.

Because that’s just the way it is.

Everyday I call and ask the same old question: “So…anything good happening?”

Most days, his response is the same: “Not too much…just alarm calls and loose dogs and goats and stuff like that…nothing big.”

(Which is totally the response I’m looking for. I’m ready to retire in about 5 years and the last thing I need is to have to spend his hard-earned pension to hire someone to drive me around in that RV because he’s been shot or injured and can’t drive me around in it.)

(And thank you, Jesus. He’s been doing this job for so long, he’s in a supreme, cream of the crop district where very little hardcore violence goes on. Yes, he’s been in shoot outs and has been shot at and he’s shot at others. Then put them away in prison for life. But it’s time to chase goats for a while, as far as I’m concerned. Goats don’t shoot back. He’s paid his dues.)

But.

The other day, I got a different response: “Well, I’ve been on this domestic dispute and family violence thing all morning and I’ve about had enough with these two.”

He proceeds to tell me the wife threw a coffee mug at the husband and split his ear wide open. He gets out there and yeah…lots of blood. And a big, fat chiseled up ear hanging off this dude’s head.

And here’s how it went down.

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Keith: “He said she got pissed and just turned and threw the mug at him and clocked him square in the ear.”

Me: “For what?”

Keith: “Who knows? Maybe she’s crazy or losing it. He just said they’ve been arguing a bunch and she threw it at him this morning.”

Me: “Waaaaaaait a minute right there, Barney. There’s more to this. Give it up.”

Keith: “Well, he said HE was mad because she took his truck keys and wouldn’t give’em back. He had to go to work and she wasn’t letting him leave.”

Me: “Keeeeeeeeep going.”

Keith: “I asked her why she was holding the keys and she said he’s been telling her he was working all week, then she got ahold of his pay stub and he was only paid for 25 hours rather than 40 hours.”

Me: “AHHHH HAAAA!! That’s it! I know exactly how this went down!”

Keith: “What??”

Me: “I’m telling you, dude. When it comes to domestic disputes and family violence, y’all need to send ONLY female officers. A damn woman will get to the bottom of that crap in no time. I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND I WASN’T EVEN THERE!”

Keith: “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me: “Hell to the yes, I do. She clocked his ass with that coffee mug because she has had enough of his crap. He’s been telling her he was going to work all week, but she gets his pay stub that says he’s only been showing up half the week. She took the truck keys, because let’s face it, it’s probably HER truck anyway and she ain’t giving him HER truck to troll around town lying to her about working and what he’s doing. She’ most likely been carrying the rent for the last few months and paying that truck note that HE’S driving around in.”

Keith: “You think that’s it.”

Me: “Hell yes, I do. Women don’t do crap like that on the FIRST screw up. They take shit and take shit and take shit till they’ve had enough, then they blow. She blew. She’s tired of his lies and his excuses and all of his whiney reasons for everything he ain’t doing. So, as he tried to seduce her with one of his ass-y-hat lies this morning, she had enough, lost it….AND CLOCKED HIS ASS WITH THE COFFEE MUG.”

Keith: “Maybe you’re right. He didn’t want to press charges but I’m left with this big report to do on it now.”

Me: “HE DIDN’T WANT TO PRESS CHARGES BECAUSE HE KNOWS HIS ASS IS IN THE WRONG AND HE AIN’T GOT A LEG TO STAND ON OR AN EAR TO LISTEN WITH NOW!”

Keith: “Maybe so. I don’t care. They just wouldn’t stop going at each other and it was like refereeing a couple of kids. Pointing fingers, cursing, accusations…I finally asked if they BOTH wanted to head to Central Booking and they retreated to their own corners and said they’d work it out on their own.”

Me: “Yep. I knew it. A woman knows a woman.”

Keith: “You think you know everything.”

Me: “Women are the backbone to everything. Put a woman in a lead role and she’ll take shit off others for just so long then enough is enough. Like all this border control stuff and this terrorist stuff…we don’t negotiate for long. We do it just long enough to humor men. We know from the beginning…we’re doing it our way and it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks because in the end, WE’RE the ones having to answer for all the shit everyone else screwed up.”

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Conversation was over.

And that, my friends….is why I should have a badge.

Or at least a dashboard siren.

Or a Kojak fake bald head cover.

Us women. We are the friggin bombs.

Always fixing things and making things right and figuring things out and tolerating crap and putting up with way more than we should. What would the damn world do without us???

Did you know my husband will not allow me to have a gun? And I told him, like Evelyn told Ed in Fried Green Tomatoes – If I was gonna kill you I’d use my hands. By the way I am in complete agreement with your assesment of the domestic dispute and that man is probably lucky your hubs showed up.
And – I have a new kitten – I named him Elvis.
Muah