Sheppey crossing pile-up: one person charged

Kent Police today said that one person had been charged in connection with the Sheppey crossing pile-up, in which 130 vehicles were involved and dozens injured.

Having interviewed all concerned, the police found that everyone was driving carefully and was shunted from behind. "As a result," said Detective Sergeant Doppler of the Kent Police Traffic Division, "we can confirm that, and in consultation with the Crown Prosecution Service, we have charged one motorist at the back of the queue with Driving Without Due Care and Attention."

Seventy-two year-old motorist Horace Lastly told reporters: "I saw that I was driving into fog and so I immediately thought to slow down and switch on my hazard warning lamps. I don't use the hazard warning lamps very often and in the moment it took me to look for the switch, I struck the car in front of me which, I'm told by the driver, was stationary. By then, I was doing about five miles an hour but, apparently, the impact was enough to shunt the poor man's car into the articulated lorry in front of him, and so on, all the way along the bridge and onto the Isle of Sheppey. I feel terribly sorry."

According to insurance assessors, the estimated cost of damage allegedly caused by Mr Lastly's attempt to switch on his hazard warning lamps could amount to more than £10 million pounds. However, the motor insurance industry believes it will recoup the losses.

"It looks to me as though the one policy-holder will take the can for the whole f*ck-up," said insurance loss-adjuster Darren Killjoy. "But then, 130 motorists will lose their no-claims bonuses which, taking small-print clauses into account, will more than cover the payouts within the coming five years. Me and my chums at the office are going out to celebrate tonight."

In a closing statement, Mr Killjoy added: "This is off the record, right?"