Music

It happened again today with music. I wasn’t ahead of it or behind it. I just let it go through me, and we clicked. Yes, thank you. In all of these changes and transitions, my core passions are rising up from underneath. Life and I are happening at the same time. We keep The Beatles radio station on in the car at all times, so this waking up thing, as you can imagine, is happening more and more. What a beautiful thing it is to connect with an old friend. Creative love. You see, music was my first real love, and that’s just not something you get over so easily.

In my early twenties I spent all of my time in lesson plans and choreography, but first and foremost, it was about song and vibe. The song had to inspire the movement because they had equal value to me. Life existed in the space between speakers and mirrors. The movement mattered because the song existed, most of the time. I knew it probably wasn’t fair to my choreography to let all of those songs push me around like that, but I couldn’t resist how they made me feel (soft, soft edges). Then it got crowded. I overfed myself with influence and absorbed everyone else’s kind of cool. They called it sound, not music, and I totally forgot how I really felt about any of it. It all just blurred, nothing was special, and it hurt me. So I just dimmed the lights and sounds of that passion. Embarrassed, like I wasn’t allowed to feel so much about something so common. Like one bulb in a string of lights, the whole damn thing went out. I stopped dancing. I stopped writing. I hated music for deciding my movement for so long because now I couldn’t move at all. No safe place existed. Numb.

All is not lost. There are some things that you just cannot lose. The universe sees you. Don’t underestimate anything. Oh- It’s only my life. It’s only my body. These are only my arms, legs and fingers. How was I ever so careless with myself? I need these hands. I need this heart. My friend Elissa posted a photo of her daughter’s tiny infant foot the other day on Instagram. Gush (Take some time to really look at a newborn baby human). I had this surreal moment thinking about it the other evening towards the end of my practice. I continued to stretch on my mat, while unintentionally catching a glimpse of my own foot. I sat in a trance reading my foot with the same intention that someone might use to read a palm, as if I’d always known what it was I was doing. I watched myself look into the padding of my right foot while simultaneously falling into an image of its infant form. In my right hand holding my right foot, I felt the caution and bewilderment that my parents must’ve felt staring at this thing 28 years ago. Be careful, I gasped to myself just thinking of all the places I’ve been.

We can always be new. We have a new body every 40 days with all new cells and what not, so I take care of myself now, like I never thought to do before. I’ve got essential oils, yoga practice, meditation, and I’m learning about how to naturally increase my dopamine levels. Did you know that a cold shower can boost dopamine levels by 250%? Can you believe that? Sometimes walking away from something helps you remember what it was like in the first place. Music found me again after so many years of silence, right? It takes coming home to feel it again, which means sometimes it takes going away to remember. The cold water shower comes in handy. Truth reveals truth.

I’m all about these wake-up calls. Lately, it feels good to roll up my sleeves, throw my hair in a ponytail and get some real work done. After spending a lifetime waiting around for someone else to tell me what to do, I really get a boost out of doing things for myself. Loving myself and my emotions more than ever today. I’m owning my power. Back then, it was all clumsy and falling. I fell into the arms of anyone who would catch me like a doll with this dazed look on my face that read, Tell me who I am and what I’m doing. It was like I didn’t know I could take my own hand and touch my own face. Now, I own my body and mind. Nothing is more valuable, to me, so I’m going to take care of it.

How did I ever let this disappear? The power I gave to alcohol, to other people, and to fear is heartbreaking, but I changed. I am new again with ancient love in my heart. You will reach a point where you must decide if you are ready for the responsibility of your own life. It will be difficult to animate your life, at first, like walking for the first time after being paralyzed, or opening your eyes to the sunlight after years of blindness. The taste of freedom without shame will change you. I will be new again and again, and that’s the big love- that, The Beatles, and cold showers. It’s just as important to come back as it is to leave. ❤