TOP TEN ONLINE DATING PROFILE MISTAKES

Ahh, dating, that most antiquated of human rituals. He plays coy. She plays hard to get. Will they or won’t they? On and on the dance goes. Where it stops, nobody knows.

But perhaps you aren’t one to belly up to the bar, watering hole, or other public gathering place in order to seek a mate. Perhaps you prefer to sign up for one of those websites that includes a veritable meat market catalog of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

If so, you’re pal BQB is here to help you avoid some errors. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes:

#10 – “If you are/for/believe in X, swipe left!”

That’s rather judgmental, isn’t it?

Many online daters will write something in their profiles that says something like:

The Clippers are my favorite team so if you don’t like them then move on!
If you voted for X candidate, swipe left!
If you hate cats, see you later!
If you don’t like pizza, go away!
Really? I mean, you think these things are important to you but perhaps that will all go by the way side for the right person. Ladies, suppose a super hunky stud muffin is looking at your profile and about to click on it so he can take you on a date and dote upon you with his millions of dollars but then he’s like, “Well, I don’t really like the Clippers…”

And really? Are you really going to put your cat over your potential love if you meet someone perfect for you but he/she has a cat allergy? I know your scruffy little buddy has always been there for you but surely some sort of arrangement could be worked out. Perhaps for the right one you might be able to find a nice alternative home for your fluffy friend and visit once in awhile.

Politics might be a more delicate issue and I suppose two people who would constantly bicker about who would be the best at running the country are unlikely to get along. Then again, you never know. Maybe you two can learn to love one another enough to not force your opinions on each other – love each other by day, then go to the polls at night and cancel each other out with your opposing votes.

#2 – Putting Up (ONLY) a Better than Usual Photo

We all have managed to take at least photo whereby, with the right combination of lighting, lens and angle manipulation, makes us look like a supermodel.

Maybe go ahead and use that, but also throw up some photos of what you look like on an average, day to day basis. I’m not saying take a photo of you in your underpants with a cat under your left arm, a trail of crumbs on your chest and a half-eaten bag of potato chips in your right arm, but perhaps just a nice pic of you in casual attire will do.

So what if you’re a little bit chubby, ugly or odd looking? Being honest about it just means the jerk faces that care about such trivial matters won’t waste your time while you search for the person who won’t care about your flabby belly, crow’s feat, widow’s peak, basketball sized nose goiter or what have you.

#3 – Putting Up a Photo of Yourself with Someone of the Opposite Sex

Ladies, I’d be curious to have your input on what you assume when a man’s dating profile features photos of the guy with other women. I’d wager that there would be some women who would be like, “Huh, he must have something good going on if he has that much stank on his hang low,” but for the most part, the woman that you want to bring home to meet your mother will probably be annoyed.

I can give you the male opinion on what men think when they see a dating profile photo featuring the woman with other men. I spoke with all the other men at the recent man meeting and they authorized me to speak for all mankind on this very important issue by a vote of 198,999 burps to 77 farts. There was one armpit squeak in abstention due to a conflict of interest.

Basically, we don’t like it. My assumption is “Oh. Here’s a woman with 300 guy friends. She’ll hang out with them all the time and tell all her personal stuff to them and talk about me to them even though I should be the most important guy in her life. If I look at another girl for a second, she’ll rip my head off but she’ll think it’s fine that she’s with all these dudes all the time. She’ll say they are just friends but I, like Biz Markie, know better. She may even be naive enough into thinking these dudes are not interested in her on a physical level, but as the owner of a penis, I know that all men are interested in their female friends on a physical level and are only settling for friendship in the hopes that it will be upgraded to a romantic relationship.”

Gay people, I’m a time traveler from the 1990s who just happens to reside in your current time, so I don’t know how to advise you. I assume that gay dudes aren’t a fan when they see a photo of someone they like with another dude. I assume that lesbians don’t like to see the lesbians they like with other lesbians. Apologies if I’m wrong. I’m from the 90s, but I try my best to stay woke.

Now, it’s a free country. Maybe you want to put that vibe of “I’m a partying free spirit and I’m out there ready to mix and mingle with lots of people.” And maybe these people in your photo really, truly are just friends but…the person on your dating profile doesn’t know that.

#4 – Talk Down About Yourself

“Oh, on the weekends, I like to paint but that’s dumb I guess.”

NO! You are the next Van Gogh! “On the weekends, I like to relax, paint brush in hand, waiting for inspiration to strike.”

Talk yourself up. Don’t worry. If you get married, your significant other will have many, many years to talk down to you.

#5 – Poor Spelling

This probably won’t be a problem for everyone but like, say a dude is looking at a babe’s profile and it is all misspelled. The dude’s going to assume she’s dumb. Oh wait, a dumb girl…hmmm…if she’s that dumb she might go for you then, dude. Carry on!

#6 – Lies

Don’t say you’re a billionaire venture capitalist by day and a masked vigilante crimefighter by night with your own mansion and a yacht and a butler if you do and have none of these things. She’ll figure it out eventually.

“Well, I’m just getting back out there to the dating world after my ex-wife, that miserable she-beast, ran off with my best friend and all of my money and our kids and my dog. I’m trying to scrape my life together, but it’s been tough since my house burnt down and also I’m in recovery for Mentos popping addiction due to a time when I popped the Freshmaker two at a time to distract myself about how sad I was for being unemployed due to the fact that I was recovering from a penis transplant because my original penis got caught in a shredder.”

Tough one. Don’t lie. Don’t deceive. But…maybe just don’t let it all hang out there at first? Women are pretty good about peeling back your stinky layers until they reveal the smelly onion inside. It’ll be up to them if they still want that onion, if they feel it is worth Febrezing. But you only get seconds to make a good first impression so you don’t want to come off as a sad sack straight out of the gate.

#8 – Saying Things That Sound Good but Are Meaningless

“I like happy times on a Saturday night, cozy days with friends, and warm Summer frolics.”

WTF? Tell me what you like to do, dummy. I want to know if we like to do the same things. Do you like watching Game of Thrones and shoving pizza in your face? Really? I also love to watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into my face. Let’s get together and watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into our faces.

But wait, what? You like to run triathlons and can bench press a Kia Sportage? I can do neither of those things. I would slow you down. Good day to you madam. It is a good thing you were honest so we didn’t waste each others’ time with our vastly different interests.

#9 – Be Lame

If you think it’s lame, it’s lame. Don’t post that photo of you with your ventriloquist dummy, unless you are one of the few millionaire ventriloquist performers in the world. Even then, you might want to hold off on it.

Don’t talk about how you are a mama’s boy or post photos of your action figure collection or what have you. Remember, these stinky layers will eventually be peeled. You don’t want to throw all your stink at a lady in one sitting. She needs to ease into the stink slowly. Dish out the stink in small amounts until she’s too in love to care about the sum total of your voluminous stink.

#10 – Be Shirtless

Well…hmm. I may or may not be wrong here. I’ve never had a physique that I’ve been dying to show off so what would I know, really? My assumption is that yes, dude, if you have a studly physique, a shirtless pic might get you some interested ladies…but again, the nice one you want to bring home to meet your parents would probably frown upon you being so public with your pecs.

But again, what would I know? I’d post a shirtless pic, but the Internet could never handle that much manly chest hair.