I have been reading your latest autobiography, At Speed: My Life in the Fast Lane. What a fantastic book! With every word I read, I cannot help but think to myself, “How is it possible that this 28-year-old has only written two autobiographical volumes? And how is it possible he let a full 2.5 years elapse between books? Mark Cavendish is so interesting that I want a book from him each and every year!

“No, that is too long!” I then exclaim to myself. “I demand a Mark Cavendish autobiographical book-of-the-month club!”

Heck (I’d say “Hell,” but I know you’re offended by coarse language), I feel like I’m not getting enough Mark Cavendish if I don’t get a new book about your latest reimagining of what would be perceived as childish, bad behavior in most adults every single day.

(I am totally stoked, by the way, to get to the part in the book where you tell me how to repair my bicycle.)

And that’s where we get to the problem, Mark: what is the world to do while we wait for your next book? I’m sure it’ll be coming out sometime within the next few months, but your fans can’t wait that long! We need something to tide us over. Something that captures the passion, joy, intensity, and insightfulness of your writing.

What we need is At Speed: The Musical.

I’ll pause for a moment while you let that soak in.

OK, let’s continue.

I believe that only in this format can the pathos, excitement, and lyrical quality of your most recent book be truly captured and shared with your fans.

I am pleased to present a sample script for your perusal, based on the opening scene in Chapter Two (“Five Stages”) of At Speed, because that’s as far as I’ve managed to get in the book so far.

FIVE STAGES

Scene 1: Trauma and Treachery On a Bus

The stage — the interior of a bus — is empty and dark, except a single CHAIR, a spotlight tightly focused on it. Mark appears onstage, pensively holding a HELMET. The spotlights converge as MARK sits on the CHAIR, staring down at his helmet.

MARK looks into the audience, who can now see there are TEARS running down his face.

A lone piano accompanies MARK as he sings:

LostI have lostI have lost a sprint to Alessandro PetacchiHow could I calculate the cost?

DreamsI had dreamsI had dreams of winning another stageNow all I want to do is scream

MARK stands up and places his HELMET on the CHAIR, then throws his head back and screams.

The HELMET falls off the chair and skitters across stage, a spotlight following it. As the HELMET exits the stage, the spotlight reveals the PRESS CHORUS, which sings to a cacophonous string arrangement:

CLUNK!CLUNK!CLUNK!His helmet bounces everywhereWe’re not the only ones who thunkThis madman, this madmanWho’s raging like a drunkWe must eviscerate and castigateCavendish, obnoxious skunk!

The echoes of the shrill chorus fade into silence, then MARKsings.

LostI am lostThe emptiness and silenceOn this bus tear me apart

AloneSo aloneThe tumult in my mindIs echoing my heart

BOB STAPLETON enters stage left, wearing a TOP HAT, a black cape, a sinister MUSTACHE, and a sneer.

Say somethingI don’t know what ButSay somethingAnythingYou’re freaking me outI can’t think of what you could say That would helpBut Say somethingNot just anythingSo many things you could sayThat would hurtSo no!Don’t say somethingDon’t say anythingI don’t like that look in your eyes!

MARK runs off stage, while BOB STAPLETON twirls his mustache and laughs.

BOB STAPLETON sings.

What you don’t knowCan hurt youWhat I do knowWill hurt youAnd if you don’t knowWhat I do know Well…

I’ve got a planOh it will hurt youAnother manYeah, this will hurt youAnother horse Rogers of course!I’ll leave you twisting in the windAnd you…you’ll never feel safe again!

Muaaaah ha ha ha ha!

BOB STAPLETON flourishes his cape and runs offstage.

END SCENE

I’m confident, Mark, that this play will be a huge hit. I look forward to collaborating with you further on this project.

Kind Regards,The Fat Cyclist

PS: Pages 47-48 of At Speed, from which I have adapted this scene, are shown below for your reference.

51 Comments

oohhh….will this maybe be a melodrama?? Bob wearing black, with a handlebar mustache (nothing more sinister than THAT!)…Cav in white…we cheer when Mark comes on stage, then boo, hiss and sneer at Bob, throwing popcorn…

Why not go after Wiggins too? He has about 3 biographies out there at this point doesn’t he? But really, what exactly is the point to your blog? It’s not humorous. It strikes me as passive aggressive since you obviously have an opinion about Cavendish and his book but instead of writing that you try to cloak it in a weak attempt at humor.

It’s Sharon again. Or Mark. Seriously Fatty, help me out here. Did you just hate the book? Thought it was self indulgent (like most athlete biographies)? Disliked his interpretation of events? Was it worse than Millar’s book, Wiggins, McEwen, etc etc? Do you dislike Cav as a cyclist? For that matter, which cyclist is on your good list?

OK, Mark Sharon. here’s what happened. VeloPress had sent me this book months ago. Due to lack of interest, I hadn’t cracked it ’til yesterday, when I opened it to page 47 — the beginning of Chapter 2. I read the 2 pages and it seemed so over-the-top melodramatic that it needed satirizing.

Answers to your specific questions, in order:

1. I haven’t read any of the book except this 2 pages. The 2 pages I read were incredibly self-indulgent.
2. I found your his retelling of events as hilarious and parody-worthy, but don’t even recall the actual event you’re he’s talking about.
3. I haven’t read Millar’s, Wiggins, McEwen’s books, nor yours Cavendish’s. Probably won’t, either.
4. I don’t dislike you Cavendish as a cyclist and enjoy watching you him sprint.
5. All cyclists are on my good list, but especially Rebecca Rusch, because she’s a hardcore powerhouse who’s fast, friendly, and spends her spare time making the world a better place.

There is so much to this post I can’t really figure out how to respond. Suffice to say that yes, despite what “Sharon” says the article is not only sprinkled with just the right amount of snark, it is also humorously condescending in a way that even a brick like Cavendish could feel was complementary.

Cavendish aspires to the philosophical eloquence of Mario Cipollini and ends up sounding like Elmo.

Maybe when you’re as fast as Cavendish, so much happens in 2 1/2 years you just have to write another autobiography. In any case, your (spot on) parody seems to be helping, a quick check shows he’s up to number 24 in the Amazon rankings, totally thrashing books like “Going Clipless, a Beginner’s Guide to Clipless Bike Pedals”.

I loved the songs, and what made them especially entertaining is that you didn’t provide the music, so I got to make it up!
I know you just said this should be a musical, but I think Bob and his MUSTACHE sounded pretty good as an operatic piece, and that might be a style worth considering for the whole play. I think Mark’s Lost/Dreams/Alone verses would fit into an opera just fine, although ‘Say Something’ is the one I think would most benefit from an operatic makeover because the version they sing on the radio has such a limited range of notes.
Besides, operas are pretty over-the-top, dramatic and moody already, so its a perfect fit!

My husband is a writer and is occasionally approached to ghost write biographies (BTW, he’s never said yes). I imagine behind each of these books is a fine but frustrated writer whose dreams of being a great novelist, investigative reporter or even a Broadway playwright just crashed and burned into the banalities of a C-list movie star or A-list sports star. Consider the possibility that the writer was eking the most drama he could out of the material he had to work with.

If only he’d thought to include songs!

Here’s the thing — and I’m being completely honest here — I would LOVE to ghost-write someone’s cycling memoir. I would seriously LOVE it.

I’m willing to say it – I totally sang the songs in my head while reading the post. I would have sung out loud, but 1)I was at work and 2) I’m very self conscious of my singing ever since my 2 year old told me “no more singing mommy”.

I follow cycling and have a hard time deciding in a race if I should root for Mark or Peter Sagan. I am always glad when they both make it across the finish line in sprint! I had no idea Mark had written a book and now two! Thanks for the info!

Apropos Sharon’s/Mark’s posts, I’ve read Millar’s book and the Cavendish one referred to hear and came to almost exactly the same conclusion as Fatty did about Cavindish’s book – that he managed to get there after only 2 pages speaks to his very perceptive nature! Millar’s book on the other hand is great, and any mention of Mark is very complimentary!

What an excellent idea. The scene where Cavendish ditches his long-time home town sweetheart for a fashion model will be sure to be a tear jerker. If you could work in Cadel and his dog, it would be epic Broadway in every sense.

The musical approach is genius. While the Queen genre is widely supported (and the life in the fast lane works on so many levels as Wife#1 so aptly points out), lets not leave out the Pink Floyd- cause all in all, its just another brick in the wall!

@GregC – I have a catchy and quite suitable phrase that rhymes perfectly with “brick in the wall” as a lyrical substitute. But in respect of Fatty’s call to not offend via the use of coarse language, I’ll let you work it out for yourself. :-)

In ultra slow motion, possibly with strobe light effect, all the sprinters ride their bikes onto the stage. Cav is in the lead, but at the last moment, Petacchi raises his arms in victory. The remaining 90 TdF riders cross the finish line and dismount their bikes. To appropriate music, and a dance routine similar to Riverdance, all the riders in their team kits start to tap dance “with their cycling shoes on”. Helmets are mandatory because, well… because, they’re dancing in cycling shoes, and they’re all going to fall. (Hilarity will ensue) At the end of the routine, Cav throws his helmet across the stage, and it’s the end of Act 17.

As a 44 year old semi-out of shape woman who rides a pretty low end bike many miles just about everyday, I find myself occasionally getting passed by very fit ( and sometimes very fat) cyclists who are riding gorgeous bikes and who typically refuse to acknowledge my existence. This has led to me assuming all serious riders are just big asses. After reading this book review I feel like maybe I’m correct in my assumptions. I love riding but I don’t follow the sport at all so I have no idea who Mark Cavendish is. He sounds like a real charmer. For what it’s worth, fatty and the hammer sound like lovely people and make me think maybe, just maybe, there are some really nice and funny riders out there. Also, you really are talented, fatty. No matter what you write about, even if it’s something I know nothing about, I typically find myself laughing out loud when I come here.