Mimi Spencer: Fishnets at 50 are a no-no

I’ve always loved a fishnet stocking (or, better still, two). There’s something gloriously foxy about them, that brilliant deception of being clothed and unclothed at the same time, the sauce and sass and swagger of it all. And then along comes Christina Aguilera wearing fishnets (and little else) on stage, looking as if her bottom had got itself trapped in a Tesco trolley. You can almost hear her buttocks screaming through those little net windows, ‘Please help! Get me out of here! She’s made a terrible mistake!’

She has, poor love, and she’s not alone. Lately, there’s been a slew of fishnet Rocky Horror moments. Britney can’t leave them alone, despite the fact that it’s been many a year since she’s been able to pull off that baby-doll schtick. Madonna (right) – 53 and counting – recently wore fishnets to jiggle about in in front of a gobsmacked audience. It was wrong on every level. Try-hard, tacky. It made you want to turn away and do something, anything, else.

While Madonna’s bottom is acres better, for its age, than any you’re likely to encounter, there’s a moment in every woman’s life when dignity and sanity really ought to trump pinging about the stage dressed as a prostitute. That’s the thing. Fishnets are slutty. Corsets are slutty too. So are push-up bras and those tiddly little spangle shorts which you could crunch up and hide in the palm of your hand.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with slutty, of course. In the right hands (or, more importantly, on the right legs), it’s called burlesque, recalling a long, cool history of showmanship, from Marlene Dietrich purring away at the Blue Angel in her top hat and magpie-tailed coat, to Liza Minnelli in Cabaret, all suspenders, bowler hat and provocative wink. It’s steamy, scintillating, and one of the things that makes this lumbering old world go round.

When combined with age, however, there’s a very real risk that you’ll wind up looking like an ancient madame holed up in the corner of a bar nursing a port and lemon. And that’s exactly where Madonna seems to be heading now: after a lifetime spent manipulating her image to best serve her naked ambition, she’s suddenly fallen off the stool. Britney barely needed any help in that department, of course – while Christina’s fishnets ’n’ corset combo served only to remind everyone who bothered to watch that it’s been a long time since The Mickey Mouse Club.

Back in the real world, wearing fishnet tights over the age of 40 is nothing short of desperate. It’s a cruel fact that after a certain age, they perform precisely the opposite function to that intended. Where once a fishnet promised a kick of seduction, now they trap your legs in a web of misfortune, making them look like a pair of forgotten parsnips lurking in the veg drawer of the fridge. Less sex kitten, I’m afraid, more mangy old mog. There are other items that do a similar disservice to a midlife body: shortie shorts, plunging vest tops, miniskirts, anything strapless, logos, false eyelashes, the entire stock of Claire’s Accessories. Even if you could wear them, even if your body was up to it and your heart was willing, you shouldn’t. They’re embarrassing. It’s over. Adieu.

So, yes, I still love a fishnet stocking. But it’s the kind of love you might retain for a long-lost, long-gone flame, a love that should stay firmly at the back of your underwear drawer with the other trinkets of youth. It’s opaques from here on in, my friends. Opaques and decorum. Could somebody please tell Madge?