Witty title

How do you carry them?"
Well, I can tie one to my belt by its legs, that way I have a chicken on hand at anytime I might need one
in an emergency. Then the rest I can tie to my goat. The goat is there for portable can follow our
party. Oh shit, I can' t cook. Wait, the paladin can cure disease, right? I' Imjust eat them raw"
s a cleric with more animals than the druid.
I Anonymous / ) 1 6: 38: 20 34259 H
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Shit DIED players have done" stories
a gnd ed game
playerred has never played a tabletop in his life is asking
us what the purpose of havethe items in the shop are for.
me. haythere' s prices for pounds of meat and kegs of beer, why
each article unclothing is separately bought.
It' s a powerplaying game. It' s not always about optimization, it' s
also about just doing your own thing-"
proceeds to buy a goat, five chickens, and a war dog.
This way, the chicken meat will always be fresh-"
IT Anonymous (( Mon) mo? [I Replies: 524134313 52413435? 5. 241 34378
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From the same guy
Wow_ With the gold I have left, I can buy 200 pigeons-"
What the fuck will you need HIE! pigeons for?"
when the time comes, I' ll know."

>First time DMing
>Party is taking forever to all get ready, still waiting on one who's taking forever
>Hear "I throw my rope around anon to make him my bitch"
>"**** it we're starting now. Roll use rope to attempt to make anon your bitch"

It's pretty easy. Gather the retards friends, teach 'em the basics, and roll with it. If I start a campaign as DM I'll create a starter city, some very basic world, and a ****** reason why all these guys are together. Then I let them loose.
I always expect the tavern to burn down in less than an hour. They usually don't disappoint.

You want dumb RPG characters? I give you dumb RPG characters.
This was the first group of D&D I ever made. I was still a beginner level master by that time, so I supposed things would go a little bit out of control. But I couldn't even imagine the chaos that would unleash on Faerûn. (we played 4.0 btw)
The group was composed by: -Dwarven cleric. The player was a ******* horny monkey 24/7. Like a Howard Wholowiz, you get it. He specified "I want to worship the god of sex."
"Closest thing is Sehanine, goddess of the elves."
"Ok." "But you're a dwarf."
"What's the problem? Are ya racist?"
By the end he was a serial rapist, didn't even know how to use spells, and got his dick deintegrated by a high level female wizard that got really pissed with him. -Female elf wizard: Seriously, this bastard got all the weeaboo traits. His character was a horrible mash-up of mainstream anime cliches. While we were playing an slighlty gritty fantasy world, he would run around looking for pretty dresses and cosmetics. Got raped twice by the cleric.

The other two (rogue and tiflin warlord aren't worth mentioning, except for one occasion in which the warlord tried to sneak and steal the purse of a lord while wearing full plated armor. Yeah.)
And the best one -Halfling wizard: this guy started crazy and continued onwards. He was basically a sociopath schizoprenic bastard with no concept of ethics or morals. Also he was "racist towards those who are taller than 1,5m". By the end of our sheanigans, he had a ******* KKK cult of gnomes and dwarves cutting the legs of the "tallscum". He managed to impress a bunch of kobolds and turn them under his command through illusions and stuff.
I considered it harmless. He trained them, gave them an empty town, helped them develop technology and build defenses. By the end he had a fully equipped army of 200 kobolds following him anywhere. Totally replaceable, I saw them killing an adult black dragon in a couple of turns.

the only problem is that most of what you said is complete ******** unless you completely ignore the rules, specifically you played 4.0 which has the most rules and greatly limits the creative possibilities of your party.
Would also like to point out that dwarfs are a fair bit taller than gnomes and are in fact over 1.5m in dnd so that cult **** is alrdy bs

1.I was a beginner master, so I wasn't totally sure of the limits the rules applied. Ex. To deintegrate the clerics dick the wizard used a lvl 21 spell that deintegrates a whole creature. I assumed it could deintegrate smaller objects too.
2.I understand rules not as a solid barrier, but a loose border you can cross. The point is to have fun.
3.Every good master has the rule of "yes, and...". This means you accept and allow a little bit of craziness for the sake of having fun.

Also, gnome wizard wore a cloak made of dead rats, and had his adoptive orphan stabbed all the way through his staff. I ended up turning it into a Staff of Necromancy+2 for the undeniable grimdarkness that surrounded it.
Some of his most remarkable moments include making a pool of acid using real quimics (I let him because his character was an academic bookworm) with piss, feces and calcium oxide. He melt an army of orcs and devils.
Seriously, that guy was a total dick.

Oh it was great one time. I set up a campaign in the FTL universe ("borrowed" the ruleset from Dark Heresy) and the group had been sent on a suicide mission to stop a giant Lanius ship from crashing into a space station:

>A lot of ******* around and fake actions ("I push Y into the enemy group, oh kidding" "I slap X with the butt of my carbine" etc.)
>One ******* says amongst the commotion "I shoot X"
>Really pissed off with the slow progress made due to ******* around (seriously it felt more like a podcast than a DnD session), so amongst the laughing and hilarity I say "Roll it"
>****** actually rolls, not knowing what for
>"Woo I hit!"
>"You shoot X five times in the chest with your semi-auto, roll for damage"
>His ******* face. I want that moment framed for eternity
>Complete silence for five seconds
>Then "YOU ******* MORON"
>Guy who'd been shot bleeding out, gurgling blood, going to die a slow and painful death because no medic, no medbay, ******* nothing
>Guy who shot him freaking out completely, trying to take it back
>"You rolled for it so your traitorous action stays, pay attention next time"
>Guy with blood pouring into his lungs stands (rolled for CON and nailed it) and walks to the only other guy who'd just seen his lifelong friend get shot by his other buddy and hands him his shotgun
>"Shoot him in the pooper"
>Lastwords.jpg
>Falls on his face with a squelch as blood pools around his face and chest
>Guy who shot X begging profusely, practically weeping irl
>"Orders are orders"
>Knocked the traitor down, shoved the shotgun up his ass and fired
>couldthisgetanybetter.wav
>Not dead, liquified entrails pouring out of his asshole like a goddamn tsunami
>Only survivor throws the shotgun down and weeps as his two best friends gurgle their last as the ship crashes into the space station, eradicating the broken and traitorous group in a blaze of light and poop-stained shotguns

Yeah we still play regularly, sounds like a pretty fun thing, I'll check it out. Thanks for the suggestion! I'll be sure to include a rusty blood-stained ************* shotgun somewhere in the campaign.

Reminds of of one of the guys I made. Was a sorcerer who had a few miscellaneous spells, but the one that took the cake was my summon swarm. To those who don't know, summon swarm allows you to call a group of bats, rats, or spiders to attack your enemy. Anyway, my party had been trying to deal with a necro-plague that had been turning living things into the undead. We managed to fix the issue, albeit after burning down half the city accidentally, but also had a large amount of necro goop left over from the incident. Thus I came up with the most brilliant of dumb plans. We had our own sort of adventurers hall that we all lived in, thus we stored the goop there while we went adventuring. I thought that eventually the DM would try to screw us all over by attacking us at home.
I used summon swarm and got a ******** of rats and bats to come to me. I trapped them all in cages and began the process of administering them all the goop. I created my own personal undead vermin army, in the attic.
Eventually, the DM decided to send some assassins to kill us in our sleep. When we all realized what was happening I told everyone to gather in the attic. The assassins followed us up there, and were confronted by swarms of killer undead rats and bats. Funniest **** I have done as a sorcerer.

At one point in a campaign with my friends, we were exploring a vampire's torture dungeon thing. One of my friends decided that he'd take the intestines hanging out of one of the bodies in a torture chamber, "Why not? I'll find a way to use it?" Towards the end of that session, we had cleared out most of the dungeon, but were low on health and had little left in the way of healing. One party member set off a trap that released some monsters after us.

The guy who grabbed the intestines decided he's sacrifice himself to distract them so we could escape, caught their attention, and then dashed into another room, dropped on the ground, and threw the intestines over himself. When they entered the room, he succeeded a bluff and disguise check to pretend he was a dead body, and then escaped when the monsters lost interest and left.

>First time playing D&D
>Buddy of mine is the DM and we just are doing a little dungeon run
>Roll a dwarf ranger because why not
>After racial and level bonuses I come out with 16 dex, 14 con, 14 str, 10 wis, 6 int and ******* 2 charisma. I'm not making this **** up either.
>Decide to put almost all my skill points into spot, listen, jump, balance, tumble, and climb
>Name him Forrest the Raptard
>I end up pitting minotaurs and baby giant squid against each other as I panic and run away from the minotaurs. Eventually I rescue my friend playing an elf rogue (also his first time) and constantly mistake him for a woman
>One of the highlights was getting a bow with a frost enchantment, then getting a running start (bonus to jump that way) and rolling a natural 20 for jumping onto a chandelier
>15-20 feet above the ground, land standing on my feet
>Elf buddy has the worst skill modifiers, loses a turn from being stunned from barely grabbing it.
>Squid tries to knock us down
>"Roll for a balance check"
>roll 15, have a modifier of 20
>Elf rolls a 4 with a modifier of 0

This sort of stuff continued until we escaped to a hallway and were blocked by a group of elves who didn't trust us. There was a female leader, and I rolled to flirt.
>3 Miserable failure, but it ended up saving my ass because then monsters that feed on intelligent creatures dropped down from the ceiling and ate several of the elves.
>Elf buddy is cut off from the exit
>Monsters start moving toward me, I think fast and decide to try to persuade them that I'm too smart for them to eat
>Natural. *******. 1.
>Critical failure is exactly what I needed. I come across as such a retard that creatures that feed on exclusively intelligent creatures decided I was inedible
>Friend tries to wall run for a jump check
>2, slips and hits his head and is knocked out and eaten

>runforrestrun.gif
>I run away and grab loot from a room down the hallway because they're slow, and only two are coming after me
>Grab an amulet the king wanted back from a lich
>Are you ******* kidding me, this whole time one of the three items was in the first room
>bug out down the hallway and decide to try and at least kill one before I leave
>blob game too stronk
>Get out with my loot, including a resurrection scroll
>"Lassie, ah new we 'aven't noon each otha fer lawng, but inna this time we 'ave bonded and lookin' beck ah cannah live witout yeh!"
>Long speech continuing on like this, as I look dead elf friend in the eye in real life
>Resurrect hot elf babe
>DM decides to be nice and says she's a cleric who rezzes elf buddy
>Forrest fornicates with wenches and acquires gold
>Marries hot elf priestess, becomes a hero and lord of his own domain

So I was looking through the animals one can buy in pathfinder, and I noticed that you can buy a house centipede for only a copper piece (basically a penny). So, I have my fifth level character buy 5,000 of the things and put them in a huge glass jar. The next time I needed to provide a distraction I threw it through the window of the guard hut. Imagine having 5000 of these creepy bastards running in a room with you.