I'll admit that I have never been one to believe in anything pertaining to the paranormal. It wasn't until recently, due to some unexplainable events, that opinion has changed. Even my wife, who is slightly unstable, is now convinced that something is out of the ordinary.

Here is the story. After getting married we bought a house in a suburb neighboring St. Louis. It was a nice old house, with a view that overlooked the Center for Disease Control so I always felt safe.

One night, my wife had gone to bed after being up for several consecutive hours. I was typing a brief email to my favorite local pizzeria, King Sturgeon’s House of Pizza and Fish, letting them know that their macaroni and red herring pizza has no equal. Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation, like someone was watching me. The hair on the back of my neck stood straight up! I quickly turned and was relieved to see nothing but our friendly French poodle Larry passed out against the refrigerator. He had been drinking heavily so it was not a suprise to see him in that position. Still, I could not shake the feeling that something menacing was hanging over my shoulder.

Over the next few nights things got bizarre. After my wife goes to bed I spend a good deal of time in front of my computer. One night, I felt the sudden urge to get up and locate my statue of Ernest Borgnine. The statue took me a long time to build it and I had a sinking urge that something bad had happened to it. Learning how to chisel granite with any efficiency is no easy task. I looked at it for several minutes before deciding that I was just being paranoid. Mr. Borgnine has never looked so distinguished or handsome. I returned to my desk with a renewed sense of confidence and security.

That is when the first real occurance happened. My stapler was on the other side of my desk!!! I was nearly crippled by fear and panic. Over the course of the next few nights my wife said she had experienced similar types of paranormal activities.

A few nights later I was awakened to yet another shock. I heard the door slam in the living room. Startled, I rolled out of bed. I woke up and walked downstairs. It was dark. From the foot of the stairs, I peeked around the corner nervously. The hallway was glowing with a spectral gleam. I heard a deep growl echoing the house. My palms were sweaty, my stomach clinched. I tiptoed into the kitchen. My wife was sitting on the floor in front of the open refrigerator. She was eating raw steaks like they were popsicles. She was nude.

She told me that my 1984 Ford Escort was parked in the middle of the fountain a few blocks away. She said there were several mailboxes destroyed and the police would not take kindly to the car being driven through the neighborhood donut shop. She has no idea how it got there!!

“I don’t know how it got there. Why don’t you ask your Goddamn ghosts?” she said. That’s when I realized this ghost thing was getting out of control. When my wife woke the next morning she didn’t remember anything.

It didn’t take long things for things to escalate. I am a huge fan of the show Myth Busters. I spend most of my days at work dreaming of what Adam and the guys will come up with next! I returned home from work early to prepare a large plate of pancakes to enjoy during my favorite show! I picked up the control and pushed the power button. I sat in silence, stunned. My 56' Panasonic television was nowhere to be found. Those asshole ghosts took my TV. I just want to know if you have heard of such an event? Where could they have taken it and why would they have wanted it?

Any information you can give me on similar experiences would be of great. I need your help and I don’t know where else to turn.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Brad Fith

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I’ve heard of objects that suddenly appear or disappear called “apports” or teleportation or movement of objects and even dematerialization where objects just simply disappear and then reappear weeks or months later. It’s possible that its spirit related but I would first rule out simple burglary first.

Dale ###### author of "###############################3

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Dear Mr. #######,

Apports? I have never heard of those before. Why would this happen to me? I have enough problems as it is. I am currently involved in several high profile stunts and can hardly afford to keep replacing my cars and televisions. The last things I need are apports. How do I make them stop? I contacted a medium in my home town. Do those work?

First my French poodle Larry is stolen and painted purple by Swiss Nazis, now this. Please send me any information you have on stopping apports.

Thanks,

Brad Fith

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About This Site

Brad Fith started writing these letters in 2001 while working as a janitor for a comedy club in a St. Louis Suburb. Over the course of about 2 years, he'd spend a few hours a day using the club's stationary to write thousands of hard copy letters to countless celebrities, politicians, customer service departments, newsmakers and various other organizations and individuals that he found interesting or easy to anger.

He was of course fired. I wasn't there but I assume the conversation went like this, "You've cost me $10,000 in stationary and you're not even that good at cleaning toilets. Please leave before the police arrive."

Around this time his fiance left him for a his best friend, his comedy act was rejected in all 50 states and Brad discovered email. He more-or-less slowly turned into a full blown loon.

To make a long story short, enjoy this deceptively funny and subversive mayhem. These emails are REAL correspondence to REAL people. These are their genuine reactions to ridiculous questions, concerns, pointless stories and rants. All email addresses were previously published by the owner. Some names have been altered or deleted entirely.