Have you
ever considered that when someone criticises you, most likely they are not
stating FACT but just a personal opinion or viewpoint? They are not likely to
express it as a personal opinion but this, I suggest, is how you should view it.The person criticising is necessarily acting
on limited information about you and your - circumstances. There is no way
another person can have an exact or 'complete' knowledge of you even though
they may think that they know you well. To a large extent I believe this applies
even to a person close to you.

This may be
demonstrated clearly in group work.

If you
accept that a criticism represents a personal opinion only, why should you
upset yourself about it, become angry, indignant or guilty?

I have found
it is sufficient to simply acknowledge the other's viewpoint, perhaps saying
that you might give further consideration to what they have said.

The theory
behind this is that we all act on limited information, coloured by our habitual
ways of evaluating people and situations. Research last century in language
structure has clearly established this point

Research on
the structure of our nervous system clearly indicates that we are not 'geared'
to perceive everything. Thus we must necessarily make assumptions, inferences
and interpretations which have a strong chance of being totally or partly
inaccurate.

Perceptions
differ from person to person and from situation to situation. This can easily
be demonstrated in case studies. Indeed, it ia a matter of everyday experience.

However, you
may find it useful to reflect on the criticism to determine if there is
something in it of value to you. Of course, you may have strong feelings or
emotions concerning a particular criticism of you by someone else. Some
strategies to deal with these are presented below.

Handling
Self-Criticism

If you blame
yourself for having done this or not having done that, you may well pause to
reflect on this self-blame or guilt That is, have a second look at what you are
telling yourself. There are several ways of doing this. The one I favour is
finding a quiet place to do some constructive thinking.

You might
ask yourself a number of questions about the happening which 'triggered' the
self-criticism-and the various feelings you have about it.

I suggest
that as an aid to thinking through the situation you might like to first write
down the questions, and then your reflections on each question.

The
following questions are suggestive only, since the questions you are likely to
ask will depend on the situation.

The only
point I am stressing here is that what you are blaming yourself for is a
matter of your self-talk, or inner dialogue. I believe it helps if you
can criticise your own self talk).(Most,
if not all of us, have an ongoing inner dialogue or self-talk.)

Here are my
suggested sample questions to ask yourself:

1.What
actually happened? Can you describe the event or events which led to your self-blame?

2.What did you
do, or fail to do, which led to your blaming yourself?

3.What
assumptions are you making? Can you examine your thoughts about the matter in sufficient
depth to bring these to your awareness?

4.Can you take
a second look at the situation and try to see it without blame at all?

5.Is blaming
yourself, or anybody else, achieving any real purpose?

6.Would you be
better off asking yourself something like this:

“This is the new situation. What can be done at this stage?”

When We
Criticise Others

Does the
blame which we direct at others or ourselves solve the problem?

I suggest
that in a great many cases it is unproductive. Blaming others tends to produce
anger and defensiveness in them and the real goal of finding a solution seems
to get lost.

It is
perhaps stating the obvious to say that having accepted a changed situation, it
is time for constructive thinking to decide an appropriate course of action at
this time. It has been said that we live in a 'judging, blaming and labelling
society'.

To the
extent that we can reduce or minimise non-constructive blame or criticism, we
create a more harmonious society.

This,
however, does not prevent us from taking a stand on issues we feel strongly
about. Constructive criticism of social injustice, corruption, intolerance, cruelty,
etc, is obviously necessary for the health of our society.

In this
paper, however, we have been looking at our ongoing, day-to-day personal
relationships. These may be vastly improved if we can find ways of expressing
our disagreements more constructively than by making accusations which fuel
resentment, hostility and disharmony.

One
alternative to criticising or blaming is to simply share our feelings. For
example, two simple sentences:

Mary to Bill: “Bill, when you keep me waiting on a
street comer I become uncomfortable and impatient”.

Bill to Mary: “Mary, when you drive fast in traffic I
feel anxious, often frightened”.

Self-statements
of this kind, where a speaker shares his or her feelings instead of blaming or accusing,
leave the door open for constructive discussion. Variations of these kinds of
self-statement can be used very effectively in all relationships, close or otherwise.