Hi all- this is very personal and I am putting myself out there. I suffer from a mood disorder. My docs think it may be a borderline personality disorder or OCD personality disorder. Anyhow... I suffer from suicidal ideation and when something "traumatic" in my mind happens, I overdose on my meds and am found and taken to the hospital's mental health floor. This happens about twice a year since my mother committed suicide when I was 17. Long story short- I am determined more than ever to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Part of this is reducing the stigma of mental issues and the best way to do so is to talk about it. This is me. This is who I am and I need to love myself, even if I am fucked in the head at times. I do have a favor.... I want to return to intense exercise. I like yoga, but for someone like me, the intensity of yoga is not enough. I found a free exercise bike and want to use it everyday, starting today. (I just finished 25 minutes!!!) So the favor is, I need one of those exercise bands that I can synch with my iphone or macbook. (Trust me- my phone and macbook are old. I'm very frugal.) So if anyone is willing to donate one to me since I am on medicaid now and cant work, I would love you forever. Thank you for your time reading this and please pray/send good thoughts/or do what you want to do to send me some good vibes :)

When I blog, I am in a good mood. Well... not sure if it's "good", but it is NOT this. Twice since Saturday, I've had these painful panic attacks. My left arm went numb around 3 pm and now my heart is trying to rip out of my chest. I feel like passing out. My thoughts are negative; criticisms of every area of my life swirl through my mind. I've tried distracting myself through mindless television. It has not helped. I tried resetting through a long nap. Yikes. That's 2.5 hours I really wasted in life. And no. The nap has not helped.

The kids aren't here. I called my -ex, per our agreement: I tell him when I am experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc... He then makes a call as to if I should have the kids on my assigned days. Usually after some discussion, it's "no". I miss having the distraction of caring for two young boys. I know that I cannot rely on them for my happiness- but I can't help think that they are my sunshines. My glowing with love and beauty little boys, who should only get the best version of me. I don't want them to see me crying. I don't want them to wonder if they are doing something wrong; that mommy is sad because of me.

I'm really crazy in the head right now. I don't know which version of my thoughts to trust. I don't know how to stop imagining me cutting myself into perfect little cubes. Perfect... Little... The version of me that most only see.

Why am I typing this and sharing with a handful of strangers? Because I am trying to remove the stigma of not only talking about these tough topics, but the stigma that comes with just experiencing mental issues. The only way I know how to strip away the power of others, is to talk. The more we talk, the more normal the act of talking about depression, for example, will become.