So you met a hooker and at first you were cool with it. You didn’t freak out when they first told you about their job and you didn’t freak them out with your response. You started seeing each other and maybe you had some reservations but figured you would work through them with time (read: talk them into your way of thinking). Or you figured whatever you had with them wasn’t so serious so it didn’t need to be a big deal. Or perhaps you even found their job a bit of a turn on. Or maybe you were never ok with it but you wanted to try to make it work anyway. Whatever your thoughts on sex work were you probably realised that it wasn’t your place to say anything… well not yet….

But that was then and this is now. Things are different now.. right? Now that you are (dun-dun-duuuun!!) in love……Over time and as your feelings for them have grown, you’ve found your acceptance for their job has diminished. In the early days you may have repeatedly declared your complete support for them and their work or promised that you would never ever ask them to quit, and maybe you even meant it, but all of a sudden things have changed and now you’re not so sure. This situation might be all new to you, but your partner has probably been through this so many times before like most hookers have. We get it… Apparently it’s different when you love us.

So now what?

Your first decision is whether to talk to your partner about the problems you’re having with their job or to just try working through it by yourself. I suggest you do a bunch of the second before doing the first. Read, think, talk to someone, then read and think some more. When emotions like jealousy take over or we lose control over those feelings of possessiveness, it’s likely that we are not going to be thinking clearly. These feelings are very normal and human, but rarely rational. Taking time to work through your feelings will help ensure you don’t start something in the heat of the moment that you don’t know how to finish. And if you do ultimately decide to talk about your feelings with your partner it will help to be clear about your emotions and your needs, to have considered their point of view and be prepared to offer appropriate solutions. If you’re going to open this can of worms you want to be sure about your feelings and what you want.

If you can wait till you have time to express yourself in a calm, thoughtful and respectful way it will be much safer and healthier and be more likely to produce outcomes that you can both live with. In the meantime can I suggest you try hanging out with other sex workers and their partners. Being in a loving respectful relationship with a sex worker isn’t as out there as you might think. Lots of people love sex workers and manage or struggle while being committed to loving them. You are not the only one expected to do this. Hanging out with others in the industry might help you gain some perspective both in regards to your own feelings, those of your partner and the reality of the work.

Even though your feelings may be irrational it would be unreasonable to expect that you will always be able to ignore them. If problems persist and you’re sure you’re not just having a moment, this post has some ideas and suggestions that might help you negotiate something more palatable to your sensibilities, whilst being respectful of your partner and their needs. And hopefully in the process you will become more aware of your emotions and be better at communicating, regulating and acting on them.

Often feelings about this stuff come from possessiveness, jealousy and misconceptions, you might even be experiencing some guilt or shame or fear. All perfectly normal human feelings and common characteristics, in varying degrees, of most loving relationships. These feelings can be overwhelming or complex or inevitable or over ruling. They sometimes undermine our own logic or long held values and they usually cause confusion and pain. Our emotions affect us all differently at different times and are triggered by different things. At times they may feel all consuming, we lose perspective and the issues can become magnified and out of proportion. Wait for the intensity to pass and when you’re feeling calm try to pinpoint what it is about your partner’s work that triggers these emotions.

Believe it or not, not everyone will understand or agree or feel the same way about the same things you do. These feelings might be common, but for each of us it is often different things that bother us. Your partner might not know what it is about their work that upsets you. For example it might seem obvious to you that you don’t want to hear the details of their work but they might be completely oblivious to the fact that this upsets you, or worse, they may even think you want to know.

Figuring out if there are specific aspects of their work that are bothering you more than others can be hard work and can take time. You will need to try and be reasonable and open minded here. Dig deep. Don’t be satisfied with a thought like ‘my trigger is my partner fucking other dudes for money’. You will need to push yourself further. Try to be more specific. You want to pinpoint what it actually is about them fucking other dudes for money makes you feel the way you do. Is it that you hate them visiting strangers late at night because you are worried about their safety. Maybe you hate it when they change plans with you so they can go to work. Maybe you hate it when they answer their work phone in front of you and you hear them negotiating with their clients. Maybe you hate the hours they work. Maybe it’s that you want them to save something intimate just for you. Or you’re concerned they might fuck your boss or someone you know. Who knows exactly what it is that pushes your buttons, it’s possible you don’t even know. Ultimately you might just want them to quit but if that isnt an option for whatever reason, being clear about what it is that upsets you the most will help you to negoriate a compromise about how they work that takes your feelings into account. For example: in calls only not out calls, set or changed hours of work, changes to what service they provide or how they advertise, changes to where they work etc. Take your time to work through your feelings but try not to be pass agg while you do it.

The next step is to put yourself in their shoes. Consider their reasons for working. What can you offer them in that department? There is no point trying to come to any agreement with your partner if their reasons for working in the first place have not been addressed or at least considered; that would be setting yourselves up for failure. Obviously for many of us a huge consideration is the money – are you in a position to provide for your partner financially? But don’t presume that money is the only thing that it’s about. There are many other reasons we choose sex work such as independence, the control and autonomy we have over our work. Or we may enjoy aspects of the work such as the healing and human side or the performance side or maybe even the sex and drama. It might be the flexibility or the easy access. What can you offer to help meet your partner’s needs in these area.

When considering your partners reasons think outside the square. Don’t just consider the reasons they may have vocalised, if you really want to cover your bases, be aware that there maybe reasons they work that you don’t know about or that they are not even clear about it. So many of us are forced to defend our work all the time in terms of money and need that we often are not comfortable or clear about the parts we do enjoy or do because we like. What else about the work might suit your partner?

By now you should have three lists, one that pinpoints the specifics of what upsets or bothers you about your partner doing sex work (your bottom line) one that considers the reasons they have chosen sex work ( their anticipated bottom line), and one that explores what you can offer to meet their anticipated needs or address their reasons (your bargaining tools). It can help to physically write it all down so you can start to build a picture of the situation and begin to develop possible solutions and suggestions to bring to the conversation.

Consider your approach to the conversation. Play out the conversation in your mind. If you want to have an honest and useful conversation with your partner about their work; don’t give them a reason to lie to you. If they have been able to trust you with the details of how, why, when, where they work, don’t fuck it up now by being an asshole. If you go in all demanding with ultimatums there are a few ways it’s going to go… 1. you break up 2. Your partner says they will do what you want just to keep the peace and you but continues to work secretly 3. They do quit resulting in them not having their needs met and holding onto some resentment towards you.

Stay focussed on the goal of the conversation which is to develop agreements that take into account their reasons for working and your specific concerns. If the conversation gets out of hand bring it back to what it is you need to be ok with this situation, not what you don’t need. Remember it’s the job you have the problem with; you love your partner, so don’t abuse or insult them or call them names.

Don’t expect or accept miracles as a solution. Whatever the conclusion of the conversation don’t make big promises or make them promise anything big. If you do come to an agreement, trial it first. Take it day to day and give your selves a time frame to check back in with each other about how its working for you both. This is just the beginning of a process.

I was able to successfully negotiate around these things with my partner once many years ago but when I tried it again more recently with a new partner it didn’t go so well, but that’s a story for another time. Remember that all relationships can be difficult regardless of what job any of us are doing so be careful to not blame all the problems on their work. Be aware that your insecurities might not disappear even if they stopped doing sex work. In any job your partner works in they might meet potential lovers – You need to be able to trust them. Be honest with yourself and don’t make them jump through hoops if there is a chance the issues are yours and nothing to do with the work. If your partner does quit or change the way they work because of your feelings, don’t take that as them repenting. Don’t make them apologise or feel guilty for their past. Encourage them to be able to talk and think about their experiences without feeling ashamed.

Don’t try to change them, You fell in love with them and their experiences are a part of them. There are so many pros to dating pros, their sassiness and independence, their skills and outfits, their connections and stories. Whores know their worth and you’re lucky enough to get to spend time with them for free – others have to pay for the pleasure!

But If you really hate their job so much and after working on it you believe there is no way around it do yoursselves a favour. Don’t stick around contributing to a toxic situation if all you can do is be hurtful and unhelpful.

If you cant or dont want to deal with it just be a grown up and walk away.

So you’ve met a sex worker. Maybe someone has recently “come out” to you, maybe you met a sex worker at a party, maybe a friend or lover has just told you about their sex work or maybe you’re a social worker and one of your clients is a sex worker. You might not be sure how to react, you might have some questions or concerns or you might not have an issue and want to let the person know. Maybe you have seen the Shit they say to sex workers video and the Shit they say to strippers video and you don’t want to be a cliché. This post will help guide you through those first few moments after someone tells you they are a sex worker. Take note because you never know when you are talking to a hooker.

First of all, stay calm. If the idea of sex work shocks, excites or upsets you, just relax. Don’t say something dumb in the heat of the moment. Give yourself a moment to compose yourself and consider this post before you open your mouth. If you are not at all shocked or concerned either way, then feel free to act normally.

Take a moment now to think about every stereo type you can imagine relating to sex workers. Think of the pretty woman, and the bodies in dumpsters on Law and Order, of high-class call girls, and desperate drug dependant street workers, about sex slaves, pimps and dangerous clients about sex workers childhoods, their reasons for working, their lifestyle. Every stereotypical image you can think of and then some.

I want you to understand that every single time we tell someone that we are a sex worker, we do so knowing the person we tell may have one or all of these assumptions about sex workers. When we tell someone we are a sex worker we risk having them instantly apply and compare any or all of those stereotypes to us. Imagine how we might feel when we disclose our job to you, or anyone. If its hard for you, it’s hard for us.

Its important that we see that our job doesn’t change anything for you. That you don’t presume anything about us just because we are sex workers. That you don’t judge us. If you want to respond in ways that demonstrate this, here are some hints from my personal perspective:

1. Just because I tell you about my job, doesn’t mean I have told everyone else. Please don’t parade me around the party expecting me to play the role of happy hooker for the amusement of all your friends.

2. Our job is not inherently violent, it is not an accepted part of our job, and many of us work our entire careers without experiencing workplace violence. Some of us have experienced violence at work, but it’s polite to wait for appropriate safe and supportive spaces before bringing up sensitive past events. What I’m trying to say is when I tell you I am a sex worker, don’t let the first or second or even third question be ‘so, how often do you get hit’.

3. Sex work doesn’t always include penis and vagina penetration. Sex work can be anythingand everything related to sex. Massage with a happy ending, stripping, bondage and discipline services or any number of things. Dont presume you know about the service I provide unless I tell you.

4. Don’t presume anything about my sexuality, my sexual boundaries, my sex drive or my sexual preferences. The sex I do for work is work and is not necessarily related to the sex I do for pleasure. Me being a sex worker doesn’t preclude me from also being in a monogamous relationship, or being celibate, or dating, or being fussy, or being promiscuous or being gay, or being sexually adventurous or being shy in the bedroom. All on my own terms. And just because I sell sex at work, doesn’t mean I’m always working or that I will sell it outside of work, and it doesn’t mean I’ll fuck you. But it doesn’t mean I wont either.

5. No it’s not OK to ask me if I was abused as a child, If my dad loved me, if I have any self-esteem, or what I spend my money on. All I did is tell what job I do, not ask for a psychological/financial assessment. My relationship with my parents is hardly relevant, I can bore you with my childhood stories some other time when we all start talking about childhood and daddy issues. My bills and finances are none of your business and my personal stuff is my personal stuff. Right now I’m trying to tell you about my job, and I am judging your reaction. These questions show me you are looking for reasons and needing an explanation or excuse. Your questions may seem innocent and harmless but have a look at your assumptions behind them or at the least remember the stereotypes that i deal with and understand how it makes me feel when you respond to my disclosure with questions like that.

6. If you have known other sex workers, feel free to tell me about it, particularly if you hold those sex workers in high regard. I don’t need to hear about your ex who was a hooker who you hate or about some hooker you saw in a movie who was hot. Dont bunch us together or pretend you know anything about me just because you once knew a hooker. If you are telling me about another sex worker you know, make sure its because it is ether relevant to the conversation in some other way or because you are trying to reassure me that my job is no issue and I am welcome in your group. But don’t break someone’s confidentiality. Dont point out the other hooker at the party or tell me that Dave’s girlfriend is a stripper. That’s not cool and you just made me wish I never told you.

7. Dont feel sorry for me, ask me about other jobs I could be doing, ask me what my goals are in life, offer to help me with a resume or lecture me about my future. If I need help in career planning or employment pathways I will ask. If, by the way, I do want to consider other options outside the sex industry, dont presume it’s because I hate the sex industry and am ready to repent.

8. Dont tell me if you think its hot that I’m a hooker or I’ll charge you by the hour. Its my job, I’m not at work. If you were talking to me as a hooker, you’d be paying me by the hour. In my personal life I like people who like me even when I’m not a hooker.

9. Dont compare me to other sex workers, either positively or negatively. You don’t make me feel good by telling me I’m smarter than other hookers, or that at least I don’t work off the street. You might think you are giving me a compliment, but it’s very backhanded. Not to mention, what if I do work from the street, or have worked from the street. Your judgements are showing again.

10. Dont ask me about the intricacies of my work unless its necessary or I give you permission to ask. It’s like a doctor doesn’t want to start looking at everyone’s skin irritations and swollen glands when they are at a BBQ. Also when you ask me if my clients are gross or dirty, or if I kiss, or how often I get tested, or how many clients i fuck in a shift, I know your making those judgements about me. Why else do you want to know about the attractiveness of my clients or how many of them I have sex with? You’re being grossed out and it’s offensive.

11. Dont tell me you couldn’t do it. Yes you could, you just choose not too. I’m not superhuman, I wasnt born with a whore gene. I find it insulting when someone thinks there is something inherently different about me. I would rather not work as a plumber cleaning shitty sewage pipes, but I COULD do it. Obviously.

Now, obviously there will be times when some of these questions feel relevent to you. For example if you are in a sexual monogamous relationship with someone, their sexual practices at work, especially their safe sex practices, may be important to you. I am not saying you have no rights to ask those questions, I am saying it’s probably not a good time to ask those questions at the time of disclosure. I am suggesting that you listen, trust, show your non judgement first. Then at a different time when you have had time to consider what you really need to know and for what reasons you can have that conversation. Be clear though, that your insecurities or concerns or lack of awareness are usually your issues. We may be willing to help you work through them, but it’s important you own it.

If you want to ensure that people feel comfortable and safe enough around you to disclose their sex work status, or share stories or information about their work, there are some things you can do to help make that more possible.

1. When you hear stories about sex workers anywhere ever, speak up! Show your support. You never know who around you might do or might have done sex work. Maybe it’s them telling you the story, testing the waters, checking your reaction before telling you about their own sex work.

2. When someone discloses let them know that you are cool about their job and then follow their lead. How you do this will depend on your relationship if you just met someone at a party “ok, cool, im a teacher/nurse/student/etc” should do the trick. If its your partner “ok, thanks for telling me, i love you/ I really like you/ I support you/etc” and then let them make the next move. If you don’t get all your questions answered right then and there, it’s ok. By providing a safe space you are increasing the likelihood of getting the information you want.

3. Try saying something positive. Like “it’s great you have a job that fits around your studying/parenting/other interests or responsibilities” and just see what they say. You are all of a sudden giving us permission to talk about our job both the positive and the negative. You have shown us in one sentence that you hold no judgements. In fact I really really recommend you try saying this to someone when they tell you they are a sex worker. Let me know how it goes.

Of course all of this only applies to those that have any desire to have the person in their life in any capacity in the future and for those who want the person disclosing to feel safe in their presence and those who wish to behave appropriately and respectfully. You may have some concerns or some feelings about the issue and that is ok, you may even be unsure about your feelings. But there is plenty of time to work through any whorephobia you may have lurking later. If you are willing.

However if you have a big problem with sex work or sex workers and you have a severe reaction to the disclosure it might be best if you quietly leave the room without making a scene. Try to say as little as possible so as to not incriminate yourself any further. I just told you what my job is, not that I’m about to murder someone. I don’t need to explain myself. I don’t need your permission. I don’t need your judgement. I have heard it all before and I was expecting this. If you stick around and show me how you really feel either purposefully or inadvertently, I will react in one of two ways 1. I’ll answer your questions say what you need to hear, respond in the ways i need to get your approval and make it stop or I’ll defend myself, stand my ground, put you in your place. And you don’t want to be put in your place by an angry hooker. for real.

After all of this, if your still looking for something to say let me suggest “can I get you a drink?”

You may have noticed the name of my blog and my frequent use of the word whore. A lot of people have wondered why I use that particular word and many have suggested that I shouldn’t. Some people have told me that in order to win more friends I should not use such strong language, others have told me that I shouldn’t put myself down like that, I should have more pride. I’ve also been told that it is such an evil word that we should rid it from our language, no woman is a whore.

I would just like to respond to those comments before I continue:

I’m anonymous, I don’t need to compromise who I am here in order to make friends. This blog is not about conforming to appease people, it’s about sharing myself in order to offer a perspective on… being a whore.

Thanks for your concern but I have so much whore pride its dangerous, have you read my blog? Does it look like I’m consumed in hooker shame? Whore isn’t my confession and I’m not asking for your forgiveness.

Whore is a word I am choosing to reclaim to describe the job I do and the stigma I face. The fact that it upsets so many people only reaffirms my desire to call myself a whore and watch the people squirm. Why does a sexually and/or financially independent or liberated or adventurous or nonconforming woman stress you out so much? Why is whore so much more offensive than say – wife or student or nurse and all of the stereotypes they imply. Who cares if I’m a whore! Whore whore whore whore whore!! I like the word slut for the same reason. As women these words control us in ways that are so ingrained in society and in our own psyche we barely recognise them. What are we so ashamed of? What are we scared of? Or who cares so much about the sex life of the person next to us? And what even is a slut or a whore? Just words often used as nasty insults rather than a descriptions of someones sex life or work life or both. Lets face it, how many people reading this have been called a whore or a slut, or called someone else a whore or a slut and it had absolutely nothing to do with sex or money? Anyone has the potential to be called a whore or a slut, these words serve to control us all by shaming some of us. The more we all run from these words, the more power they have. By reclaiming the word whore I feel like I am taking away its sting and its ability to hurt me and at the same time I am standing up to the whore hating slut shaming bullies. Standing up with woman kind, with slut kind and with whore kind, with human kind, standing tall and united.

When you call her a slut, you call me a slut, and we are all sluts… now what? Yes I am a whore, I have sex for money which makes me a whore.. so what?

Not only that, I think Whore is so powerful and strong and has an ancient and sacred context. Almost a modern day witch. I am a whore. Hear me roar!

That doesn’t mean all of us are ok with the word whore. Given that it is still used in very derogatory ways, and is considered an insult of the worst kind by most people in our society, you better be careful who you are calling a whore. Sex worker is the politically correct terminology. If you are referring to another sex worker you should use sex work and sex worker unless told otherwise.

Sex worker is the preferred language because it places sex work clearly as work. It doesn’t hold any connotations and it doesn’t make any judgements. It includes all of our community in all our diversity and shows respect to our stated wishes. Basically you should call us sex workers because we said so, and you don’t need a better reason than that.

You should not call us prostitutes. Well not without our permission. In Australia many sex workers find the ‘P’ word offensive. In everyday language prostitute has come to mean sell out or without morals and has nothing to do with the type of work we do. IE/ ‘he is now prostituting himself to corporate sector’. Even when describing our work prostitution is not always accurate. Prostitution generally refers to full sexual intercourse whereas many sex workers do not provide intercourse. I personally am not upset by the word prostitute, but if you are in the media or in politics and you use the P word despite having being asked not to thousands of times by sex workers and our representative organisations, then shame on you! You should know better! Sex worker is what you have been asked to call us, have some respect!

Other names I have been called include hooker, escort, masseuse, working girl, lady of the night, mattress actress, call girl, ho, street walker and many many many more.

They all hold their connotations and we all identify with and/or hate them differently. I personally do not identify as an escort because an escort visits the client in their hotel or home or whatever whereas I more often provide an inhouse service. I don’t mind being called a hooker, but if you’re using the word ho or whore you better use it with love. And that’s just me.

I know it might sound confusing, I can call myself a whore or whatever else I want but you have to call me a sex worker. If you think about it though, you will notice many marginalised groups are reclaiming and using language that was once used derogatorily against them, while at the same time asking people outside of their community use language that is neutral and respectful. You have no right to reclaim language on behalf of a marginalised community you don’t belong to unless you have been given permission. And even then, permission is usually only good for a specific circumstance or context and does not necessarily give you a free pass to say what you want when you want just because you once dated someone who didn’t mind being called a prostitute. If you are not a sex worker and you choose to use language that holds negative connotations to describe us or our work without any right to do so, you are being disrespectful. If you continue to use disrespectful language even after you have been asked not you, you are a bigot.

To put it another way,

I am a whore amongst whores, a sex worker in public and If you are lucky enough to meet me socially or get me behind closed doors… you can call me Jane.

One of the problems with anything criminalised and stigmatised is that it can be very difficult to get accurate, up to date, relevant and reliable information about it. Writing this blog has led to a number of people emailing and messaging me asking about getting started in sex work. I want to tell you everything I know, but there are so many variables, and I’d be here all day. So as an introduction I write you this letter. I have already written letters to feminists and to clients, Hey little sister is my shout out to all the wanna be hookers. Here are the 20 things I want you to know.

1. Take the money upfront – It’s probably universal, no matter what sector of the industry you’re in, you ALWAYS get the money first. Even if they’re a regular, take the money up front. The one time you don’t do it will be the one time you learn the lesson.

2. Get in touch with your local sex worker organisation – In South Australia, that’s SIN, or you can find the national list here or there is a massive international list here. They will be able to give you current information about the laws and policing strategies in your area. They also have lots of other information and services you might like to access (now or down the track) so have a chat and find out what they can offer. Usually they are staffed by other current or former sex workers, so you wont get judged and you will get the information you need.

3. If you can, work a few shifts or even a few months in a brothel situation with other workers. It’s like an apprenticeship. You’ll learn lots from hanging out with the other staff between clients. You’ll get tips and tricks about the actual work, particular clients, the industry, good places to work, how to avoid police etc etc. It can also be a good debriefing space if there is no one else in your life that you can talk to about your job.

4. Remember you and your service are the product. If you are working for a boss, keep in mind that they need you more than you need them. If you’re not happy with your workplace there are usually plenty of other options in the sex industry open to you.

5. Don’t try to please all the people all the time. Decide before your first booking or shift what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do, and what you will do only if they pay extra. If you work for a boss, there will probably be some expectation that you will provide a certain service and sometimes it can be difficult to know exactly what will be expected because the laws prevent candid conversations. Be clear in your own mind about your rules and stick to them. If it turns out your workplace isn’t compatible with your needs, you can usually find one that is. If not, you can always work for yourself, that way you can say when, you can say who, you can say how, and how much! Generally if you work for a brothel, you will be expected to provide massage, oral sex and penetrative sex. You are not required to kiss, let clients go down on you, provide anal services or provide any kind of other fantasy or role play. If you choose to offer those extra services, you may sometimes be able to charge extra. You should also remember that fully inclusive services (full sex) are only one type of service in the industry, there are many ‘full body massage’ places, strip joints etc where you can provide an array of sexual services that do not involve full sex. One of the beauties of sex work is you can really make it work for you.

6. Have a basic routine. You’re providing your client with a service. You do it to them, not have them do to you. You can always vary and adapt your routine but have one developed to fall back on. Don’t just lay on a bed and allow them to poke and prod you. Stay in control, even when you pretend you’re not.

7. Use condoms even for oral sex. Use lots of lube because condoms dry you out. If you’re not good with condoms, practice. Make it part of your routine. Don’t listen to any of the clients excuses about why they can’t or shouldn’t have to use one. Don’t even ask them, just slip it on.

8. Don’t be scared to call the police if you need them in an emergency (and then call your sex worker organisation straight after to help you deal with the cops). If you’re in danger, the police need to help you.

9. If sex work is illegal where you are – admit to nothing ever without first speaking to a lawyer. Knowing what you do and proving it are very different.

10. There are a bunch of safety tips I want to tell you, but I don’t want to give away our secrets so publicly because it will decrease their effectiveness. Again your local sex worker organisation can probably help you with that, or private message me.

11. Don’t believe clients. They will always tell you that such and such is doing more for less. It’s a trick. Don’t drop your prices or do services you’re not comfortable doing trying to keep up with the imaginary services of the sex workers your clients are telling you about.

12. You’re hot, and you will make plenty of $$. It doesn’t matter what you look like, how old you are or what gender you are. Find out what it is about your looks, your personality or your skills…. and work it! Don’t try to be someone you’re not or compete with anyone else. There are so many tastes and so many kinks that I guarantee you are exactly what someone has been looking for. You may need to experiment with different workplaces and ways of working to maximise your marketing spin.

13. Invent a story to go with your name. Clients inevitably want to get to know you. If you’re trying to keep some privacy it can be easy to forget who you told what to. Decide on a basic life story and an answer to the “what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this” question, and stick to it.

14. Fake it till you make it. Both confidence and orgasms.

15. Be careful who you tell. Once you come out of the closet it can be very difficult to go back in.

16. Don’t apologise. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Sex work is just work.

17. Take your bosses word with a pinch of salt. They might try to put you off other workplaces or lie to you about taxes. Talk to your colleagues, the other sex workers in the business or elsewhere.

18. Dont think you’re better than any other sex worker. Whether you work for yourself, or for someone else, in a brothel, on the street, or doing escort services, providing full sex or any other kind of sexual service. There are so many ways of doing what we do, and different types of sex work appeal to different people for so many different reasons. We are all in this together.

19. Trust your gut. If a client gives you the creeps, don’t take the booking.

Have you ever met a sex worker? Shall we do the math? Lets say there is 1000 sex workers in South Australia working in any one year and 85% of them are female (an estimate shared by the SA Police, the local sex workers health organisation SIN and quoted in the media). That would mean 850 women have done sex work in any one year in SA. In June 2010 South Australia had 1.09 million people of working age between 15 and 64 years old (from the Australian Bureau of statistics) and roughly half of them (545 000) were women. Using these statistics 1 in 640 working aged South Australian Women have done sex work this year alone.

Now lets say their average length of time in the industry is 10 years (It was more like 5 years in research done with Australian sex workers in 1991 by Roberta Perkins some of which is published here and in a book called Working Girls) and your working life lasts 50 years (based on the ABS age range used above) I could take a leap and say that over a 10 year period all the current sex workers have left and a new 850 have entered (overall, on average, generally, based on these estimates). My sketchy brain (and dodgy calculator) work that out to mean that 1 in 65 South Australian women will do sex work at one point in their life.

Does this math add up? That seems like a lot! And I am using conservative figures. Any way you look at it, it’s a good proportion. Someone pull my math apart, because I just sent my brain into a gooey mess.

And while we wait for the judges to get back to us, I’ll tell you why I wouldn’t actually be surprised if my guess was close to accurate.

You may think you have never met a hooker (except the one you paid maybe) but a lot of my friends, family, lovers and even partners have thought they never met a hooker either. You see, most of us sex workers don’t wear a sign on our head, we don’t have a red light on our house and we don’t advertise our identifying details on a billboard.

Many of us hide our work from some, or most, or all the people we know and meet or maybe we just hide it just from you!

Many of us are only sex workers when we are at work. The rest of the time we are people’s friends and family members and community members. Maybe yours.

Some of us may want to suss you out before we make ourselves vulnerable by sharing our secret. It’s not that we are ashamed, but maybe we have reasons to hide from the discrimination. Maybe we are testing your values and your trustworthiness first to make sure our secret life is safe with you.

Some of us have detailed cover stories so when strangers ask about our work we easily talk about our job in telephone sales, converting stories about our clients into a story about an interesting call we took at work. Maybe we can’t be bothered doing a sexwork 101 class right now, or maybe we’re saving you the embarrassment that we suspect our disclosure would elicit.

Some sex workers will never tell a soul, taking their secrets to the grave. The only people knowing are other sex workers and their clients. They have decided that the risk is not worth it. Perhaps they are a student who is scared about jeopardising their future career, a single mum who is only working for a few years to set herself up. For many of us, sex work is just a job that is meeting our needs. Sometimes its only a temporary plan and we decide that coming out and fighting the stigma for the sake of a short term job is just not worth it.

I feel privileged to receive emails from people sharing their own experiences of sex work with me, stories that they have never told anyone else. If you have never met a sex worker, you are missing out.

I had a partner for three years and I never told him that I was a part-time sex worker. I guess the thought of me in that line of work never occurred to him, because he never suspected. I didn’t find it difficult, I just went to work as per normal, did my job and came home. He even met other sex workers who I worked with, but he presumed they were co workers from my “straight” job. It wasn’t a big deal to me, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal to us so I kept it to myself.

If a client complains about the lack of sexual attention they receive from their wives or girlfriends I will often make the joke “maybe she is just too tired from working at the brothel all day”. Everytime he will laugh heartily assuring me that for whatever reason this is a ridiculous suggestion. And I giggle as I respond with “yup, that’s what my partner thinks about me too”. Then I sit back and watch them consider my words.

Have you ever met a hooker? Maybe you’re married to one, or maybe your mum is one. Maybe one of the people in your class is a hooker, or maybe your best friend has done sex work. Maybe the person on the bus, or at the party, or your mates partner or family member or the person that helps out at the canteen or maybe even your child has done sex work. If my maths is right, its likely nearly everyone has met a sex worker at some point. Some of you might love one.

Maybe we havent told you because we don’t trust you. Or maybe we trust you, but we don’t know if we will be able to trust you next week. Or maybe we don’t trust your friends.

But mostly we don’t know who we can trust.

Don’t let your friend or loved one be the ones who dies with their secrets. Or the one who emails a stranger with their amazing stories but can’t tell anyone in their lives.

If you want to spot a hooker:

Don’t presume you are not talking to a sex worker when you make that nasty comment about us.

Don’t presume there are no sex workers in the room feeling uncomfortable or unsafe when you pass judgement about us.

Don’t presume that you are not talking about someones loved one or family member when you discuss stereotypes and misconceptions about sex workers.

We are not just in the brothels, we are everywhere. Perhaps even in your home.

Don’t fail our test.

If you haven’t heard stories like mine before, you haven’t been asking the right questions.

I was pretty keen to return to sex work after doing the dutiful wife thing for a while. During my semi retirement from the sex industry I had found other work and done some study. I did enjoy my ‘straight job’ but as soon as I separated from my children’s father I was planning my return to sex work.

I missed the money and the flexibility of sex work. Obviously. But it was more than that. I missed hanging out with other sex workers, I missed providing indulgent pleasure, I missed the compliments, I missed the feeling of being my own boss, even when I was working for someone else there is power in knowing you are (or your service is) the ‘product’. And Ofcourse I missed playing dress ups! Wigs, lingerie, costumes, sexy shoes, red lipstick, pretty nails… the best excuse for a usually plain looking busy single mum to indulge my girly side!

Besides stopping sex work was never my idea in the first place so I had no doubts about returning.

But things had changed since the last time I worked. I’m mother now. I had to rethink my happy hooker image this time round. So for the first time I went into the hooker closet where I stayed for a long time. I wanted to protect my children from the stigma that my job carries, and I needed to protect our family from the discrimination that we might have otherwise faced. Through sheer determination my separation with the father had been fairly painless, there had been no custody battles and I certainly didn’t want to jeopardise that. Not to mention, sex work is STILL ILLEGAL in South Australia! I didn’t want to make our family vulnerable to attacks from any of the possibilities I had considered or the ones I hadn’t. So I invested in a wig.

I reduced my hours at my straight job, took my wig and started working at a very small escort agency. Originally I only kept my straight job as a cover so my friends, family and the whole world wouldn’t find out my dirty little secret but it turned out I really enjoyed the variety of the different roles I had or the different hats I wore in my day-to-day life. I was a stay at home mum on some days, I had a respectable day job on some days, made wads of cash on other days and, with my kids spending every second weekend at their dads, I had a chance to act my age and spend my wads of cash on the occasional night out on the town. I even kept up with a little bit of study throughout it all, it kept me busy between bookings.

And busy I was. The escort agency I worked at was very small with not many staff. I mainly worked during the day sitting alone with the receptionist while she worked the phones trying to secure bookings. When she got one the owner/driver would drive me to my booking and bring me back to the office to wait for the next one. Day business for escorting was pretty quiet and that was fine for me because it meant I was the only worker on shift. But it also meant I was pretty much the only one making money. Businesses need more than one worker to make a profit. So when the receptionist left, the owner decided not to replace her.

Fine by me, I started answering the phones. I could do a better job of selling myself anyway, plus this way I get all the day bookings PLUS the receptionists cut!

Now here is where I let you client types in on a little secret. I know many trade secrets, most of which I will never tell. But some are harmless and make for a good story.

I’m sure this will not come as a surprise to those experienced punters, but many sex industry businesses find very creative ways of marketing the workers they have available to potential clients. While mostly it’s just a case of finding enticing ways to describe the workers using rose-tinted glosses and sexy adjectives, there are some businesses that will take it further. Everything from exaggerated measurements and optimistic age ranges to completely made up characters are used in an attempt to get a bite from potential clients. Some places are worse for this than others, I once worked at an agency that had standard adds running daily in the local paper that read “Eva Italian brunette lingerie model” or “Candi the blonde beach babe” and when a client called up looking for Eva or Candi the agency would send out any blonde or any brunette available. And if there is no blonde to play the part of Candi, no problems, we have wigs.

A common trick is to ask the caller what kind of worker they were looking for. If they tell you they want a mature redhead – Hey Presto! That’s what we invent.

And so with only one worker (me) answering phones and doing bookings I quickly adapted to this sales technique. I had 2 different wigs, 3 different names (4 if you include the receptionists name) and a couple of different life stories.

I was Nikki the 21-year-old bubbly blonde, busty and cute

I was Bridget the brunette in her early twenties with the hourglass figure

I was Melissa who was 27 with a platinum bob and long legs.

And I could pass for all three descriptions easily. I enjoyed playing the game, it amused me. As a single mum I already had so many different hats, and now one of them was wearing a bunch of different wigs.

Pimping out my three characters worked well for a while, they all got repeat business and we all made money. And then the inevitable happened. One of Nikki’s clients wanted a booking with Bridget. And he was quite persistent.

Well I had felt pretty clever up until then, but the gig was up. I was a good mattress actress but I couldn’t pull that one-off (so to speak). The client was disappointed to learn that both Bridget and Melissa had run off into the sunset together never to return, preventing him from ever meeting either of them.

Not long after, I took Nikki off the market and went looking for greener pastures.

There will sometimes come a time in a persons life when they fall in love and ‘settle down’. And I quickly realised that for a lot of people ‘settle down’ means I am expected to stop sex work and find something else to do to make money and fill my time. So when I met and started dating Jack I knew it was just a matter of time before he voiced a problem with my job. Things got serious and we moved in together and sure enough it wasn’t long before Jack told me that he loved me so much that I had to find a new job. I had been through this before and so I pretty much gave in to his insecurities straight away. I stopped sex work and started applying for ‘straight work’.

Skipping through the long and not very interesting story, Jack and I had babies, fell out of love and separated. I immediately went straight back to sex work. It was a choice. Yes it was a choice made by a single mother, but it was my choice just the same. I reduced the hours I was working in my ‘straight job’ and started back working for a local escort agency while my kids were either at school, childcare or at their fathers. Instantly I felt the judgemental double sting of mother blaming joined with whore shaming. Those who always knew and supported my choice to do sex work, had a different opinion now that I was a mother. There are people who believe that being a sex worker automatically makes me a bad mother. Maybe even the readers of this blog have questions. So in order to continue telling you my stories I thought I should get these questions out of the way – upfront.

What will you tell your child?

How would you feel if your daughter turned out to be a hooker?

What happens when your son finds out you fuck for money?

What will their friends think of them at school?

Im going to answer these questions here and now, once and for all, in response to all those well meaning people who seem to struggle to get their head around me, my work, my relationships, and my family. I may follow this post up with answers to other popular questions such as “Is there a difference between sex work and ‘real sex’” “how can you ask me to be faithful when you’re fucking all those other men?” “do you have any self respect?” and my favourite usually asked at completely inappropriate social functions…..“will you fuck me if I pay you for it? What about your friend?”.

But for now im going to start with the ones that I find most offensive, and that’s the ones that involve my motherhood.

What will I tell my child?

I, like other working mums, tell my child age appropriate information that describes what mum does for a job. Unfortunately, I have to be careful, because I don’t want my little tacker running off to school ruining his social calendar for his entire school life because he told Tommy who told his mum that his best friend’s mum is a hooker. So I choose my words carefully. Mum works at a massage centre. At a young age they don’t know enough about the world to say much more than that anyway. When they get a little bit older and the conversation comes up or when they ask, I might say something more like: mum gives sexy massages. Over the years each time the topic comes up I will tell them a little bit more. After all I don’t see this as any different to what I vet might say… “I fix animals when they are sick” The vet doesn’t say to her 4 year old that sometimes she has remove a uterus or cut off testicles or give lethal injections to cute kittens etc. There is no need for that child to know the finer details yet, but as they get older, they will be given more information. No different to my plan, except of course I have to deal with the fact everyone else thinks im a bad person. So at some point I have what I see as a harder discussion. Those are the discussions about what everyone else thinks of my job. These are discussions that are hard and hurtful to my family.

How would I feel if my daughter became a hooker?

I hope my children grow up to be happy, healthy and respectful adults. That’s all I wish for them. I know for a fact that being a hooker doesn’t mean you can’t be happy, healthy and respectful. However I do know that everyone else’s attitudes to sex work can create barriers to a sex worker being happy. But I feel those are my children’s choices to make. If being a hooker made my daughter or son happy, I would not have any concerns. What would hurt my son or daughter and our family, all sex workers and their families, is the attitude everyone else has to sex work and sex workers.

What happens when my son finds out I fuck for money?

To be honest I can’t imagine my children using those words with me. I do expect there will be some words about my job thrown at me during different phases of rebellion as I imagine most parents deal with..…even non whores. If I try to be honest with them, my children will grow up respecting me and sex workers. It is possible that the attitudes of other people may encourage resentment in my kids towards me or my work, but if that ever happens I am confident that once they move through the rebellion phase they will again see that my job was a positive thing for our family, that it was just a job and that the rest of the world is unfair in its discrimination of me and my work.

What will their friends think of them at school?

This is an area that I have no control over. It is an area that I have the most sadness about and the area I wish my kids didn’t have to deal with. However I don’t see other people’s attitudes as my fault. My kids have never suffered because of my work, to the contrary, they have a happy, healthy respectful mum who has a well paying flexible job that allows me to be the sort of mother I always wanted to be. In my own way I try to educate people to see sex work as work, nothing more or less than a job. Once again I see other people’s stigma and discrimination about sex workers as the only innate problem of my work. It all comes down to what other people think. It means I have to have conversations with my kids about being careful about who exactly they say what to and about other people’s bad attitude. I might even have to teach them to lie so they can protect themselves from your stigma.

It is because of other people’s ignorance that my children may suffer. Not because I am a sex worker.

You feel sorry for my kids? Do something about it and examine your own discriminatory attitudes.