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Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports: October 26

Sports, for People Who Kind of Hate Sports is a weekly guide intended to provide the sports inept with talking points for interactions with professional superiors, chatty Uber drivers, significant other’s male relatives and other sports-minded cohorts.

The Drama

And you thought your retainer was pricey. Steph Curry has been fined your annual salary for allegedly throwing his mouthguard at an official. That said, he took responsibility for what happened during a golf trip with former President Obama (?!??) saying, “Again, it was a dumb thing to do. It was stupid. Learn from it and try to move on and be better.” #Inspired.

Martavis Bryant tells Steelers management “It’s not me, it’s you.” Apparently taking PTO is code for FU in the NFL, with the Steelers’ receiver playing hooky on Monday following reports of some major friction between Bryant and his teammates. While it’s apparently common knowledge Bryant has wanted out for a few weeks, Camp Steeler’s says not-so-fast. Check out who the Post thinks may snatch him up here.

Like any good BFF, Lebron was there to send (what we assume were) multi-paragraph inspirational texts with corresponding GIFs after the Cav’s recent decison to move Dwayne Wade to their second unit. I mean, obviously he has the name, but a lot of guys are trying to adjust as well.” James said in response to the switch, followed by, “and honestly, D. Wade’s so much prettier than a lot of the other starting players, and it just sucks that they’re acting like this because he’s seriously such a fun person to go out with.” *Last portion of quote edited for clarity.

ESPN’s Barstool Sports buy is already messy. Unsurprisingly this story involves a sexist rant, a stealthy plotted revenge, and the cancellation of what was likely going to be a very mediocre webcast (?) after only one episode. Feel free to decipher through the many tweets that make up this one here.

Sports Words of the Week

Wide receiver, (n): The wide receiver’s principal role is to catch passes from the quarterback. On passing plays, the receiver attempts to avoid, outmaneuver, or simply outrun defenders (typically cornerbacks or safeties) in the area of his pass route. If the receiver becomes open, or has an unobstructed path to the destination of a catch, he may then become the quarterback’s target. Once a pass is thrown in his direction, the receiver’s goal is to first catch the ball and then attempt to run downfield.

Good thing this closet is a wide receiver, otherwise my winter wardrobe may not fit!

Snackandering, (v): when freshly anointed girlfriend of sports fan employs the use of a delicious, homemade snack to win favor among new significant other’s group of friends at weekly basement viewing party.

Rob: “Even though she sat in another room and did not interact with us whatsoever, Kyle’s new girlfriend seems pretty cool.”

Chad: “I don’t even remember her name, but I’m pretty sure he’s found the one. That’s the best seven-layer dip I’ve had in, like, at least a few years.”

What’s Up Next

IDK, there’s like 10,000 baseball games, but the World Series is in full swing (HA!) and this could determine who wins it! Also, Kate Upton will be there and (hopefully?) Chrissy Teigen, too.

NFL: Miami Dolphins vs. Baltimore Ravens, Thursday

The predictions surrounding this are pretty split, given both teams’ underwhelming records and Jay Cutler’s recent rib injury (who is known popularly as Kirstin Cavallari’s Instagram husband.) That said, the Dolphins are coming off of a three-week winning streak, which has some sports contributors wondering if they have finally hit their stride (lol, get it?!)

NFL: Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins, Sunday

This, shockingly, is the slated to be one of the closest match-ups of Week 8. Despite the Redskins time-honored tradition of choking on a rogue .30 caliber pistol thrown by Joe Simpson and/or Willie Nelson while playing the Cowboys, many are confident Cousins and Thompson will bring the humid, swamp-like DC heat this weekend. That said, Dallas definitely appears to have a stronger defense on deck, which could keep the Skins’ superstars from doing their thing.

Annnd just in time for the big day, I’ve compiled what you need to be wearing if you intend to spend Sunday eating snacks and scrolling Instagram while your boyfriend compulsively opens and closes his fantasy football app. You’re welcome!