extr@ English 18 – Just The Ticket

Annie is sitting in front of a pile of rejection letters. Even though she passed her exams she has not been successful in getting a job so far. When Nick comes back in a rage because he has got a parking ticket, Annie opens a letter telling her that she has got the job she applied for … a job as a traffic warden. Hector and Nick give her role-play help for the entrance test, which includes arguing with angry car owners. Hector is presenting the Miss Eurobabe contest on TV, and Bridget desperately tries to keep Nick away but he keeps appearing. Hector gets a little muddled with the girls, but the main crisis of the evening is that Miss Englandbabe hasn’t arrived. Nick tries to save the contest by dressing up as Miss Englandbabe but he doesn’t convince the audience. When Annie turns up in her new Traffic Warden uniform, however, she wins the Eurobabe contest.

ANNIE
“Dear Miss Taylor, Thank you for your recent CV, but at present we haven’t got anything to suit your talents.” Ohh! “Dear Miss Taylor, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.” How surprising – blurrrhh. Grrrr! What is the point of all that studying if I cannot get a job? Right, last one. Paws crossed, Charley. “Dear Miss Taylor…”

NICK
What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?

ANNIE
“Thank you for your recent letter.”

NICK
She’s got four eyes and reptile skin.

ANNIE
“We are very pleased to tell you…”

NICK
She sees your car…

ANNIE
“…that you have been successful…”

NICK
…she slides over to it. She’s got you!

ANNIE
“…in your application as a…”

NICK
Oh yes, she is the….

NICK & ANNIE
Traffic warden!

NICK
Correct.

ANNIE
What?

NICK
I’ve just got a ticket.

ANNIE
I’ve just got a job!

NICK
Ohhh! As a traffic warden?
Annie, you’ll be one of them.

HECTOR
One of who?

NICK
Annie is going to be a traffic warden.

ANNIE
Well, I have to pass the entrance exam first.

HECTOR
What is a traffic warden?

NICK
Someone who spoils your day.

ANNIE
A traffic warden is someone who stops stupid people parking their stupid cars in stupid places.

NICK
See? It’s started.

HECTOR
Hmm, I didn’t know you wanted to be a traffic warden.

ANNIE
I didn’t know either, but no one else would have me.

HECTOR
Awww.

ANNIE
But it is good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.

HECTOR
So you will have another exam?

ANNIE
Yeah, another exam.

NICK
Ah, well, don’t worry. I can help. I’ve got experience of traffic wardens.
OK, Hector, you can be the driver and I will be the traffic warden!

HECTOR
OK.

NICK
You can’t park there.

HECTOR
Yes, I can.

NICK
No, you can’t.

HECTOR
Yes, I can.

NICK
No, you can’t.

HECTOR
Yes, I can, because this is a bus stop and I am driving a bus. Beep-beep!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Hector is presenting it, but he’ll be OK, because the contestants are my responsibility. Nothing can go wrong.

HECTOR
Well, OK then.

BRIDGET
Great.

ANNIE
You have a very difficult job.
You are right.
But a very important job.
Oh, thank you, sir.
No, I mean it.
I know, but I’ve still got to give you a ticket.
That’s OK. It’s your job.
There you are, sir. Have a nice day!
Thank you. And you.
How nice to meet a reasonable customer.

Assorted puffing noises

BRIDGET
Why are you dressed to go to war, Annie?

ANNIE
I’m going for my traffic warden exam.

BRIDGET
Are you expecting trouble?

ANNIE
There are a lot of difficult motorists out there. Oh. What have you got there?

BRIDGET
It’s the information for the Eurobabe contestants.

ANNIE
Oh.

BRIDGET
Hector must learn what each girl likes and dislikes.

ANNIE
Anything interesting?

BRIDGET
Let’s see. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. Aha! This one’s different.
Miss Holland Babe. She likes reading and her ambition – is to learn to read. Oh, here’s another one. Miss Belgium Babe. Her ambition is to go to the moon.

ANNIE
But she doesn’t like flying!
Well, it should be an exciting show!

BRIDGET
I hope so.
Well at least Hector is ready for it!

NICK
And so am I!

BRIDGET
Nick, I said no.

Audience applause

BRIDGET
Cue Hector.

HECTOR
Good evening and a very warm well…come to Channel Nine’s Eurobabe Contest live!

BRIDGET
This is why I didn’t want you here. What’s that? Miss Englandbabe is where?
She’s been clamped? Well, tell her to get a taxi then.
She won’t leave her Porsche? I’ll come and get her.
Who’s going to do this?
Listen to me. You have one simple job. You must tell Hector who each girl is. Their names are on these cards. Got it?
Do not mess it up.

NICK [Composing email]
Guess what? Hector and I are working on the Miss Eurobabe Contest! Wow! All those babes! Bridget has left me in charge. She’s a bit emotional, I think. One problem: there is no Miss England babe.

NICK
She’s a bit emotional, I think.

NICK [Composing email]
One problem – there is no Miss Englandbabe.

BRIDGET
She’s broken a nail.

NICK
Ooh, nasty.

NICK [Composing email]
But I think I have the solution.

HECTOR
And we come to our last contestant in this fantastic Eurobabe Contest! Last but not least, it is…, it is…. oh! Of course!
It is Miss Englandbabe! Welcome, Miss England.
Welcome.