I mention this because, as a parent, I'm conscious of pointing my two boys on the right path in life and a few select words are more effective than a lifetime of beatings. That said, I often find some carefully selected words and phrases backed up by a sound beating can really help the message hit home.

My father may well have offered me some sound advice when I was a boy and maybe imparted some pearls of wisdom, but in truth there are only two I remember him sharing with me, and I'm not sure if they were of any use.

He would often sit me down and ask: "What would you rather be or a wasp?"

While I was working that out he would continue with: "What's the difference between John Wayne and Santa Claus?"

The answer: "They've both got beards ... except John Wayne."

I'm not sure what profound effect these sayings had on my life, but they could explain why I struggled at school.

Sensible advice passes me by but other less useful expressions and phrases seem to stick.

I found myself adopting the wise paternal figure with my four-year-old son this week.

"Son," I said sagely. "There's only three kinds of people in this life. Those who can count and those who can't."

I laughed, he looked confused, and my wife punched me. It's an image I'm sure will stick with him. It may not do him any good but it'll give him an enduring image of modern relationships (I'm a bit of a social realist).

As he grows I think I'll continue to meddle with his developing mind. Dangerous maybe, but a man's got to have a hobby. The quotes I think will best exercise his mental faculties come from the American author Jack Handy who wrote the book Deep Thoughts. Here's a selection you should try out on your loved ones:

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

A child's face can say it all. Particularly the mouth part of the face.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and `ind'. What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why mankind is also.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.