Monday, December 29, 2003

Bob Herbert; Pinhead of the Day

"Allowing this movement to continue unchecked will eventually mean economic suicide for hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of American families," Bob bloviates. "The best thing workers can do, including white-collar and professional workers, is to organize."

"At the same time," Bob continues, "the exportation of jobs and the effect that is having on the standard of living here should be relentlessly monitored by the government, the civic sector and the media."

According to Bob, what we need to do to keep corporations here is to first get a union stranglehold on them, then have the government prevent them from fleeing the country.

Great idea, Bob. It'll keep the jobs here alright - until all the businesses go under and the economy completely collapses, but at least there won't be any rich "fatcats" living the good life at the expense of the working class. We'll all be equally poor and equally miserable - with the exception of Bob, of course, who'll be kickin' back in the massah's house while the rest of us are out digging government potatoes.

Socialist pinheads like Bob don't understand that their solutions for keeping jobs here are the very reason corporations are going overseas. Until we have less government interference in business, and less union interference in government, we can expect only more of the same.

Gifted Students Program Expands to Include Dumb Kids

A Federal Way, WA school has decided to "diversify" it's gifted student program by no longer requiring that students be accepted according to high test scores. It seems that under such rigorous standards, the program has typically been filled with white and asian students. School officials are dismayed that while only 70% of the students in the district are white, over 81% of those students described as "gifted" are white. This might lead people to believe that white students are smarter, frets Karen Dickinson, Federal Way's assistant director of curriculum and instruction.

Besides, just because a student isn't bright, it doesn't mean they aren't gifted. "There are other children who are equally as bright; it just looks a little different. They're a little harder to find, but they're there."

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Mad Cow Scare Over

Good news. Secretary of Agriculture, Ann Veneman, now believes that the infected holstein in Washington State was actually a case of the less dangerous Slightly Disgruntled Cow Disease. Everyone can go back to feasting upon the tasty, charbroiled flesh of the cud-chewing bovinous mammal without fear or consequence.

Girl Can't Help It

Women are one of the unexplained mysteries of the universe. However, there are three things of which I am certain:

1. They should not be allowed to vote.

2. They should not be allowed to drive.

3. They should not be allowed to use ATM machines.

All these truisms are self-explanatory, but number three sometimes causes a little anxiety in those who can't handle the truth. It's actually not as malicious as it sounds. Women, god bless 'em, are just too dumb to use automatic tellers. Nature has programmed them for gathering berries and choosing ripe grapefruits at Safeway, not punching numbers on a pad.

Just watch the next time you're in line behind a broad. She'll read every single word on the monitor screen, even though she's probably used an ATM thousands of times before. You can actually see her lips moving..."En Espanol? Hmmmmm....In English? Hmmmmm". Then she'll botch her pin number three or four times, but instead of hitting "Clear" and correcting her mistake, she'll press "Cancel" and the machine will her card out. So she'll start all over again, reading every single word on the monitor. "En Espanol? Hmmmmmm....". Try not to lose your temper as she checks her make-up in the little rear view mirror while the machine keeps beeping at her to take her card and amscray.

By the time she's finally finished her transaction, there's a line 14 people long behind her. She'll turn around and go "Oh!", suddenly remembering that there are indeed other people on the planet. Hi, toots. Thanks for making me stand in the rain for twenty minutes.

Don't get me wrong. I have great respect for them, especially when they are naked and dancing around a shiny metal pole - but we must accept the fact that women's brains simply aren't wired for handling certain tasks. I can't thread a needle. I can't wrap a Christmas present. I can't squeeze a small, screaming human out of my body. And women can't use ATM machines.

Hang Down Your Head, John Malvo

Serial sniper John Lee Malvo showed little emotion as he was sentenced to life in prison yesterday. Gosh darnit, when are these psychopathic serial killers going to learn to show some compassion and remorse?

On CourtTV, Jeffrey Dahmer's lawyer states what should be a moot point by now: "Dahmer showed no emotion or remorse and, if he had, I would have known he was lying. These people are incapable of remorse. This guy (Gary Ridgeway) showed it today, and I agree with the deputy that he was a phony showing remorse. They don't have a conscience and to show remorse you have to have a conscience."

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Irritate an Athiest this Christmas

So-called athiests are especially cranky and obnoxious this time of year, which makes it all the more fun to harass them. I firmly believe that most of the people who call themselves "athiests" are not what they claim to be - they're simply angry at God for making them losers, or they hate Christians for being so much happier than they are. These clowns are easy to spot because they aren't satisfied with just being unbelievers - they have to viciously attack all Christians and their religious customs (but only Christians - you never hear so-called athiests mocking Jews, Muslims, or Buddhists).

These are the "athiests" I like to screw with. My favorite technique for pissing them of is to conclude any disgreement with "Well that's because you don't have a soul."

The exchange goes something like this:

ATHIEST: I believe abortion is a woman's right.

YOU: Well, that's because you don't have a soul.

The true athiest will probably get a chuckle out of this at most. They don't believe in God, and they don't believe in a "soul", so why should they give a damn that you don't think they have one?

The faux athiest, however, will take your remark as an insult. How DARE you say they have no soul? Who ARE YOU to decide whether they have a soul or not? SQUAAAAWK! SQUAAAWK!

You can also subsitute the "You don't have a soul" remark with "That's why you're going to Hell and I'm going to Heaven" and get a similar response. Faux athiests claim that they don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but they can't stand you thinking you're going to Heaven and they aren't. Drives 'em apeshit.

Another trait of phony athiests is that they're constantly saying things to remind you that they're an athiest, even if it's not part of the conversation. You say you're going to church this weekend, they say they don't believe in organized religion. You say you're going to see a Christmas play, they scream "Don't force your religious beliefs on me!". Phony athiests are always saying "Don't force your religious beliefs on me", which is why I like to constantly force my religious beliefs on them. I haven't been to church in over a year, and I've read maybe half the Bible, but I'll assume the guise of a devout, saintly Quaker just for laughs.

For instance, an "athiest" aquaintance of mine asked me to help her move to a new a apartment. I replied: "Jesus said, "He who takes a mustard seed and abideth alone, will dwell in the House of the Lord forever". You can get out of doing anything if you preface you excuse with "Jesus says". It's hilarious enough when you pull that gag on Christians - but faux athiests will completely blow their tops.

So when your "athiest" neighbor declines an invite to your Christmas party because they "doesn't believe in organized religion", don't hesitate to take the opportunity to have a few laughs at their expense.

Mad Cow in Washington State

America, Please Remain Seated

Attention, please. The terror alert level has been raised to ORANGE. During an orange alert, hand-wringing weenies are encouraged to whine incessantly about how frustrating and pointless the terror alert system is because they can't do anything about it.

Folks, please remain seated. Do not panic, do not shit your shorts. You are not living in constant fear. You are not on the verge of a horrible, screaming death. The terror alert system is not for you - it's for the cops, firefighters, and emergency personnel. The only reason they announce that the terror alert level has been heightened is so Aunt Mable won't freak out and have a stroke when she sees uniformed troops patrolling the airport with machine guns.

Since Ridgeway cut a deal to get life without the possibility of parole, the court dispensed with formalities and went right to the obligatory sob parade. One by one, relatives of his victims were wheeled out to have their turn at trying to make Ridgeway break down and cry. Some showed baby pictures of their loved ones, and told sad stories about how their lives had become living nightmares thanks to him. Others tried an angrier approach, calling him a "monster" and damning him to hell.

But the winner of the contest was a man the local newsgeeks keep referring to as "a Santa Claus lookalike". In fact, the guy works as a department store Santa, although he left the red costume and caustic midgets at home. Jolly ol' Saint Nick simply told Ridgeway that he forgave him, and praise God hallelujah, the murderer started blubbering like Michael Landon during sweeps week.

Most of those attending the intervention were unconvinced, though. He wasn't showing enough "remorse". Despite all the heartbreaking performances, he mostly just sat there, staring off into space. The fact that he's a psychopath with the intellect of a 12 year old might have something to do with it, but as David Berkowitz would say: that's just a shot in the dark.

Okay, I understand that all this touchy-feely crap helps the victims' families have "closure" - but that's what counselors are paid for. The courts are supposed to be concerned only with serving justice according to the rule of law. Instead, they've transformed into the Dr. Phil Show.

"But I couldn't bring myself to say it to him. If he were to show some kind of remorse, it would help. Now, I have to go home, feeling like he doesn't care," said the son of one of Ridgeway's victims.

"I truthfully think that he was sorry that he had caused so much hurt. And I feel sorry for the other family members that can't forgive," said another relative.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Rush on the Capture

"You know, I have to tell you, folks, when this guy Hussein came out of the hole, I thought, for crying out loud, the Unabomber escaped and went back somewhere. I half expected them to find Gore's book in that hole over there in Tikrit and then when that wasn't the case, I said, well, obviously what he's doing, he's coming out of hiding here to endorse Howard Dean." - Rush Limbaugh

Rummy Bitchslaps Leslie Stahl

Lesley Stahl: Let me raise the whole question, for lack of a better term, torture. Let's say he's not forthcoming. Would we deprive him of sleep, make it very cold where he is, or very hot? Are there any restrictions on the way we treat him to get him to cooperate more than he has been?

Secretary Rumsfeld: You know, to even raise the word torture in terms of how the United States military would treat this person seems to me is unfortunate. We don't torture people and here's a man who has tortured to
death tens of thousands of people conducted rape and brutality the likes of which would be difficult to find a more vicious and brutal dictator in our adult lifetimes. And I just told you he would be treated according to the Geneva Conventions and to suggest that any one would be engaged in torture or conduct inconsistentent with the Geneva Conventions seems to me isn't on
the mark at all.

Lesley Stahl: Sleep deprivation, that kind of thing. You're ruling it completely out, is that what you're telling us?

Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm not telling you anything other than I have just told you. He'll be treated according to the Geneva Convention and given the protections of a prisoner of war.

Lesley Stahl: It's been suggested to us that Iran may have helped in
the capture of Saddam Hussein. Is that true?

Secretary Rumsfeld: No.

Lesley Stahl:Completely false?

Secretary Rumsfeld: I suppose I should always say not to my knowledge. I have certainly heard nothing to begin to suggest that. The reason he was finally captured was because wonderful young men and women in uniform had been over there for 7, 8 months, had been doing a wonderful
job for our country and for the Iraqi people. And helping to set that country on a path.

And they have developed an ability to deal with a high value target like Saddam Hussein, to do it in a time sensitive way. And when the intelligence was gathered and analyzed, brought together over a period of some hours and days, they were able to then move very rapidly and very skillfully and very professionally and capture that individual.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

SADDAM CAPTURED

A true testament to the skill of the U.S. military.

A couple predictions:

Insurgent attacks will intensify for a short time, as Saddam loyalists try to blow the last of their wad.

Democrats will now start spinning that they were behind the Iraq invasion all along, but now that Saddam is captured we should hang a big "Mission Accomplished" banner and hand the whole thing over to the UN.

Halliburton, Schmaliburton

Halliburton should just claim that refunding the money would be "reckless" and that they should hold onto it for a rainy day.
"We'll find something to spend all that extra cash on."

And by the way, am I the only one on the planet who knows that Dick Cheney does not own Halliburton, does not control Halliburton, and does not have any financial interests in Halliburton? The man dumped all his stock and cut all ties before he took office so there would be no appearance of impropriety. Yet every time there's something about Halliburton in the papers, they put a big photo of the Vice President with the story.

Dems Doth Protest Too Much

Democrat senator Harry Reid wants Bush to stop saying Democrats are unpatriotic for siding against the United States on every issue and obstructing the war on terror.

"I have to say, I'm troubled by the way this administration brands Americans who disagree with its policies as 'unpatriotic,"' Reid said. ""There are many areas where we do not agree with members of this administration, but we would never question their patriotism. They owe us the same in return."

Democrats are starting to sound like whiney broads fishing for compliments.

"Do I look unpatriotic in this dress?"

"Well, I..."

"You think I'm unpatriotic, don't you?"

"I didn't say you were unpatriotic."

"Well you didn't say I wasn't, either! Waaaaaa!!!!"

I'm still searching to see when Bush has ever said democrats were unpatriotic. But he's thinking it! You know he is!

No Military Honors for Dogs

Dogs are not heroes. Heroism is defined by bravery; the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

When Lassie pulls Timmy out of the burning building, Lassie is being courageous because she's some sort of freak, mutant dog that can think like a human and communicate by barking in morse code. But when dogs pull little boys from the fire in the real world, it's because their instinct to PROTECT is stronger than their instinct to FLEE. There's no "courage" involved because instinctive behavior is automatic and lacking any "mental or moral strength".

Fido doesn't feel any sense of pride or honor upon being presented with a shiny medal, and I doubt other dogs inspired to excel by Fido's dauntless acts of "courage". Sure, Fido may look like he's happy to be getting the attention, but to give dogs or any other pets awards for bravery is just plain stupid.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Someone's Been Smoking Too Much Grassroots

AL Gore took time off from workin' the tobaccy farm to endorse grassroots candidate Howard Dean yesterday.

"Howard Dean really is the only candidate who has been able to inspire at the grass-roots level all over this country the kind of passion and enthusiasm for democracy and change and transformation of America that we need," Gore bloviated.

Whenever a special interest group is labeled "grassroots", we're supposed to be overcome with small town nostalgia, as if the very fact that something sprang up out of the dirt makes it chock full of downhome, folksy goodness. You picture Wilford Brimley and the cast of the Waltons sitting on a porch, drinking lemonade and conceiving a plan to put that nice neighbor kid into office. Anything the democrat party does or says anymore is "grassroots", even if it was concocted by James Carville in Washington DC.

On the other hand, any conservative grassroots movement is immediately branded a racist hate group full of right-wing, bible-thumping kooks. While "grassroots liberal" is supposed to conjure images of mom and apple pie, "grassroots conservative" means toothless, inbred rednecks in white hoods.

Whether a movement is grassroots conservative or grassroots liberal, it usually isn't grassroots at all. Often, we find that a darker, not-so-grassroots organization pulls the strings. The grassroots anti-war group, International ANSWER, for instance, is a merely a front for the communist Workers World Party and
has strong ties to North Korea. Not in Our Name (NION ) is run by a maoist member of the Revolutionary Communist Party.

"Grassroots" is word that no longer has any real meaning, but is used simply to induce an emotional reaction. I'm sure we'll hear the term used ad nauseum right up until the big day next November. Then, when all the people in the red states show up to vote for Bush again, the left will go back to squawking about how uneducated smalltown hicks are ruining the country.

Where there's smoke....

Citing secondhand smoke as a health hazard, Pierce County, Washington, has just banned smoking in all public places - including bars and taverns. That's great news, because the last thing I want when I'm downing my sixth martini is for my health to be jeopardized.

The insanity of liberals in charge is beginning to show in Washington State. I now live in a city where marijuana is pretty close to being legalized, but you can get arrested for lighting up a cigar at the bowling alley. Your underage daughter can get an abortion without your permission or knowledge because it's her body and she has a "right to choose", but she can't get her ears pierced without parent present. You can steal three cars and not serve a day in jail, but the Wrath of God will strike you down if you dare drive in the carpool lanes.

Friday, December 05, 2003

I'll drink to that

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Quote of the Day

"...The key, I believe, to Iran is pressure through the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union is supplying much of the equipment that Iran, I believe, most likely is using to set itself along the path of developing nuclear weapons. We need to use that leverage with the Soviet Union and it may require us to buying the equipment the Soviet Union was ultimately going to sell to Iran to prevent Iran from developing nuclear weapons." Howard Dean, on Hardball, Dec. 1, 2003

"It's true!" my brother assured me. "Congress tried to fight it, but he scared them and they let it pass. Anyone making more than $22,000 will not get overtime pay anymore."

That statement was so full of holes that I couldn't begin to address it. I was sure it was all bullshit, but I didn't have access to a newspaper or the internet so I could check things out and calm him down. So instead I assured him that Washington State labor laws still provide for OT pay, and he had nothing to worry about.

But he remained unconvinced. "I don't like it," he said. "I don't like it at all. Damn that Bush!"

For the next few hours, my brother simmered over losing his overtime pay, but I was far more angry at the way the media had once again teamed up with the dems to insult the intelligence of the American people. The democrats know that the average person is like my brother - completely apolitical, disinterested in current affairs, and most likely to get all their news through 10 second sound bites. So the TV news issues a vague report that Bush has succeeded in overhauling some overtime laws, then they cut to an indignant democrat senator crying about how "Bush has once again screwed working familes by taking away their overtime pay". Then all the democrat mullahs take up the mantra: "Bush is taking away everyone's overtime. Bush is screwing working familes!" Before long, it shows up on democrat candidate websites and in their stump speeches, and some will even start demanding that Bush rescind his repeal of overtime pay, even though he never repealed it to begin with. Furthermore, Bush's lack of a response to this non-issue only proves his guilt as well as his indifference to the poor working families he screwed.

But what really pisses me off is that the democrats KNOW they are twisting the facts, but they also know that the average American isn't going to take the time to look this shit up.