Penn Satire, Since 1899

Advice for the Student Groups Out There

Penn has one million clubs, one million club presidents, and yet somehow only about 10,000 students (resumes don’t load themselves people). This of course means that you, my beloved reader, as a Penn student group president, have access to your very own pile of Guttmann provided money for your group.

Well, in my first term as president of my very own club, I did what any responsible student executive would do, spent the money on cocaine. It was only after I came down from my six day magical journey that I was informed by my buzzkill of a treasurer that that money was apparently for group events that would “bring our message to a wider community.” I by this time had forgotten our group’s message because a SAC budget buys a LOT of cocaine, serious try it with your budget some time. Unfortunately, this left our group with no choice but to fund the rest of our agenda with alternative funding sources. I share these with you now in hopes that any groups in a similar situation will be able to profit from my experiences:

Tip on the Hips: If you are a good looking Penn student with a taste for adventure, tips on the hips may be just the program for you, providing the cash strapped group with a healthy supply of crumple $1 and $5 bills (and maybe a $20 if you really work it). Applicants should be able to supply their own nurse or firefighter outfit.

Sugar Daddy/Mommy Program: The first program to tap into the hopeless desire for love of Penn’s less attractive but more loaded patrons, the sugar daddy/ mommy program connects desperate treasurers with nowhere else to turn with a ready supply of sub-human money pots who just want someone to remember their name. Applicants must have a proven ability to “suck it up” and “take one for the team on this one”.

Death by Professor: Undergraduates desperate for research money can turn to death by professor, the only program that connects obsolete, dry professors who have been rejected as advisors with students who lack the chops to get any worthwhile professors. Upside: will be glad to help fund research just to know what its like to have students again. Downside: he or she has a million conversations about their god awful specialization saved up, you will be hearing all of them.

The liquor store on 43rd and Pine, you know, the one with the easy to find safe: Applicants to this program should consider availing themselves of the Penn Republican’s free firearms program before making their case for funding.