The Donahues Episode 74

Kimberly’s business tries to confront a monopoly, Ryan’s band uses Oleander’s try to make themselves known in the industry and Kyle’s sinister intentions become more latent as Duplicit unravels

Submitted:Feb 25, 2013
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THE DONAHUES

"CAPITALISM"

TV-MA DLS

"The animal garden is now a murder-hole. Language was always the
Labyrinth. Civilization is striving, spurning, starving, burning,
mass graves and marble tombs, wonderful wine and no-one to drink
it with"

SCOTT: Sorry. But yeah, we do need to get our shit together for
the judges.

RYAN: They're not judges, they're just talent appraisers.

SCOTT: They're judges! If we don't do well some British prick in
a black V-Neck is going to admonish us.

RYAN: You're putting too much pressure on yourself, we'll be
fine! We'll just be ourselves!

SCOTT: Look at one of us!

(Cut to Oleander huffing the bag)

RYAN: Olly, at least use a spoon!

SCOTT: You can't scoop paint!

(Cut to Kimberly sitting in someone's office. A man in a suit is
sitting behind a desk, looking at some papers)

MAN: These prices are not as low as I'd like them to be.

KIMBERLY: I'm sorry you feel that way, but our customer service
is exemplary, all the other big chains have a bunch of
clock-watchers in a room, spilling coffee on their shirts and
talking to each other at the water coolers ignoring your calls,
but my operation solely consists of me, so I can take your call
anytime.

MAN: Your pitch is that you have less customer service reps than
the competition?

KIMBERLY: Yes, because we higgidy-heart our customers. Trademark.

MAN: Don't trademark that, that's really bad.

KIMBERLY: Sir, we're just a scrappy upstarts pursuing the
American Dream, give us a chance to wow you.

MAN: I'm not looking for some empty sanctimony, I'm looking for
savings. I'm sorry, but I'll have to go with Grisham.

KIMBERLY: Grisham? Do you really think they'll have the time of
day for you?

MAN: Yes, because they have thousands of employees! One of them
is bound to be available! As for you, if you have one Lifetime
Original Movie to watch, you'll leave me by the wayside.

KIMBERLY: I guarantee I will never!

MAN: I'm sorry, you're not tenable. Thank you for your time.

KIMBERLY: Okay. I'm beginning to infer that you may not be
interested.

MAN: I'm not interested.

KIMBERLY: I'm beginning to infer it a little more.

MAN: Get out.

KIMBERLY: Okay.

(Kimberly gets up, takes her papers and leaves. Cut to Oliver,
Kyle and Madeline sitting in Madeline's apartment while one
laptop has Brandon on Skype, another laptop has Kimberly on Skype
and another one has Ryan on Skype. Oliver and Kyle are wearing
suits, as is Brandon)

KYLE: So, Ryan, Kimberly, you owe us money.

OLIVER: Straight cashe. You paid for the first couple of weeks
for us to advertise your business and your band on Duplicit, but
we're going to have to pull the ads if you can't pay the peeper
for the last couple of weeks.

KIMBERLY: I'm sorry, but my company's not turning a profit.

RYAN: Yeah, and the only thing my band is turning is nostrils
blue.

KYLE: Is Nostrils Blue a song name?

RYAN: It fuckin' should be.

KYLE: Well listen, as the money manager, I can say that your
guys' ventures have no place on Duplicit if you can't pay us.

RYAN: Wasn't our deal originally that you would advertise
Depraved Hallway Fern if we promoted Duplicit at our shows?

OLIVER: Yes, and then we realized that was retarded and started
demanding money from you. You paid for one week. It's time to
quickly cut the cord like an umbilical cord.

OLIVER: Those streams haven't been streaming in a couple weeks
anyhow, we'll be fine. Kyle, are you running the numbers?

KYLE: Yes and my feeling is we need more advertising.

BRANDON: …What?

KYLE: Yes, we need to pay non-social media websites to advertise
the site, we need to spread spam and flashy banner ads and make
sure that we get our message out there, otherwise Facebook will
surpass us.

OLIVER: We're nowhere near class to Facebook and we definitely
haven't surpassed them, they have a billion users.

KYLE: You're using hyperbole, but yeah, they have a lot of users.

OLIVER: No, literally, they have a BILLION users. One out of
every seven people on Earth has a Facebook.

KYLE: And eventually eight out of every seven people on Earth and
the moon will have a Duplicit! Move out of the way Facebook,
there's a new sheriff in town! And he's bangin' the perty female
barkeep at the Saloon, who I guess in this metaphor would
be…Burger King?

BRANDON: Yeah, they advertise on our site.

KYLE: Exactly and that's where we're going to get the money to
spread the word around.

OLIVER: We should already have a bunch of users, we've been
around for two and a half months.

KYLE: When was Facebook founded?

OLIVER: …February 2004.

KYLE: When did you get a Facebook?

OLIVER: May 2006.

KYLE: Exactly. It just takes time.

BRANDON: Just for the record, I still don't have a Facebook.

OLIVER: What, really?

BRANDON: Yeah. I don't even have a Duplicit and I designed the
website.

KYLE: Get on Duplicit, Brandon. I swear, it'll change your life!

BRANDON: That's what they said about flip phones. (He takes out a
flip phone) They LIED!

OLIVER: What's wrong with it? Besides the fact that it's old?

BRANDON: It gets cold when you don't charge it.

OLIVER: Oh my God, anyway, Kyle, if we're going to spend more
money we need more revenue, call our sponsors and ask if they'd
be willing to increase the ads and pay us more.

OLIVER: Yeah, I managed to cajole them into it when I saw them at
the mall a few weeks ago.

MADELINE: That's great, I might work there someday.

OLIVER: That is great. I just hope it's not a conflict of
interest.

MADELINE: Why would it be a conflict of interest?

BRANDON: Because we're not interested! (Brandon smiles) Am I the
only one?

OLIVER: Shut up, Brandon. Anyway, Kyle, call those places.

KYLE: I will. You can totally trust me. (Cut to Kyle outside the
apartment building on his phone in the snow) He totally can't
trust me. Hello, Burger King? We need more cash money for your
ads on duplicit.

BURGER KING EXEC: (On the phone) Could you say that again?

KYLE: Oh, you couldn't hear me? Maybe you'll understand this.
(Kyle makes a horse noise. Cut to Kyle talking on the phone in
his car) Hey Postal Service, I know you're kind of strapped for
cash considering your business model is antiquated and
unprofitable, but if you get enough money from your lawsuit
against Armstrong, would you mind sending about a hundred and
fifty thousand bones of it our way? On a Saturday, preferably?
(Cut to Kyle talking on the phone outside a dumpster) Hey, the
Boy Scouts. I know everyone's pulling their donations since you
won't let the faggots in, but we need some more cash money to
post your ads up. Also, could we include a half-naked Calvin
Klein model in the ads to um, (clears throat) increase
membership? (Cut to Kyle talking on the phone while sitting in
the backseat of his car) Schultz-Farenthold law firm? Hi, we need
more cash for your ads on Duplicit, and we know you can provide
you greedy Jew and you greedy…I want to say, Polish? (Cut to Kyle
in the passenger seat of his car talking on the phone) Stara
Institute Hypnosis? Yeah, we need more money to post your ads up.
Listen calmly to the sound of my voice, at a certain point you'll
forger what I' saying to you…but what I am saying to you is PAY
UP, BITCH! HA! (He hangs up) They all said no. Mission
accomplished. (Cut to Kyle talking to Oliver and Madeline in the
dorm) They all said YES! Mission accomplished.

(Oliver stands up)

OLIVER: That's incredible! We can spend like crazy now!

KYLE: Yeah we can!

(Oliver and Kyle hug)

MADELINE: Wow.

(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in Ryan's bedroom, standing)

RYAN: Okay, the key problem with your appearance is…how you
appear.

SCOTT: You appear like a homeless person.

RYAN: Right. Our job is to change you from home-LESS to home-LY!

SCOTT: Look up the word homely, Ryan.

RYAN: Oh God, is it some vagina fungus?

SCOTT: God no, it's not that bad, homely means ugly, listen;
we're going to turn you from homeless to presentable. First off,
you have rips all the way down your jeans.

RYAN: This is fine, to an extent.

SCOTT: There's a clearly defined line rip-wise between "cool" and
"you look like you can't afford a polka-dotted nap sack and a
stick".

RYAN: You've crossed that line by two holes.

SCOTT: Just two.

OLEANDER: Okay, so patch me up.

RYAN: We would, but Asians.

(Cut to an Asian woman stitching up one of Oleander's jean holes
in a clothing repair shop while Ryan and Scott hold his arms and
Oleander rests his head on a pillow between Ryan and Scott. There
is a gag in Oleander's mouth)

OLEANDER: (Muffled) URGGGHHH!!! THIS IS FUCKING EXCRUCIATING!!!!

RYAN: This isn't eighteenth century surgery, just calm down!

SCOTT: Although it is weird that she's doing these repairs while
he's still wearing the pants.

ASIAN WOMAN: (Thick Asian accent) If you wanna do it with pants
off, two dolla extra!

(Cut to the Asian woman sowing the hole in Oleander's jeans in an
arm chair while a pantsless, underwearless Oleander stands next
to Ryan and Scott)

OLEANDER: Problem solved!

SCOTT: Not really, can we have his underwear?

ASIAN WOMAN: It full of holes too!

SCOTT: GIVE IT TO US!

(Cut to Ryan driving his Toyota with Scott in the passenger seat
and Oleander in the backseat, wearing only a shirt, beanie and
underwear. He's also eating a chocolate bar)

OLEANDER: Alright, so that's one thing down.

RYAN: You really should've brought an extra pair of pants.

SCOTT: Especially since it's thirty-four degrees and snowing out.

OLEANDER: I can't feel my legs, but I feel alive!

SCOTT: Great, let's get back to my house before you develop
hypothermia. (Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in the garage.
Oleander is wearing sweatpants now) You can wear those until we
pick up your other pants.

OLEANDER: These are comfortable.

RYAN: Right, so let's practice a song. Get your guitar. (Oleander
picks up his guitar, Ryan goes to the microphone and Scott gets
behind the drums) Let's play the last part of "Proof of
Purchase".

SCOTT: Okay, here we go.

RYAN: (Singing, as Scott plays drums and Oleander plays guitar) I
SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU'RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I
GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND
CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely
heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I
cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I
notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE'RE
GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT WOULD YOU
CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! Where
is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming
towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I cannot see the
forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I notice, this
love is tragedy!

(The music stops)

SCOTT: That wasn't bad.

RYAN: It wasn't bad, but the tempo could've been better, let's
try again.

OLEANDER: One, two, three, four!

RYAN: (Singing, as Scott plays drum and Oleander plays guitar) I
SEE YOU!

(Cut to Kimberly watching TV, looking depressed. Cut to the TV.
She is watching The Bachelor. There are five men lined up in
tuxedos and a woman in a dress with a rose)

WOMAN: Only four of you will be going to the next round. All of
you are extremely attractive, as am I, but there is one of you
with a single perceptible physical flaw and that is unacceptable.
Jim, your dimples pierce my soul. You are not moving on to the
next round.

(Dreadful music plays as the camera zooms in on a disappointed
Jim. Cut to a talking head interview with Jim)

JIM: The producers asked me to come up with a sassy comment to
say to Clara. Um…you're a c**t. Can they air that?

(Cut back to Kimberly watching. Ethan comes in with his suit on,
carrying a brief case)

ETHAN: Are you watching The Bachelor?

KIMBERLY: It's an escape, okay?

ETHAN: What happened today?

KIMBERLY: I got flat out rejected by a client, he totally
flat-ironed my tits.

ETHAN: What?

KIMBERLY: It's the female equivalent of "busted my balls".

ETHAN: Ah. Why did he reject you?

KIMBERLY: He wanted to get service from Grisham, my main
competitor.

ETHAN: Sorry, Kimmy. Don't mope about it though, there'll be
other clients.

KIMBERLY: But that's just it, there won't be! Grisham is huge in
this area now; this is like the fourth client he's stolen from
me. Well, I guess it wasn't stealing if I never had them to begin
with, but still, I feel like the clients I have right now are
tenuous at best.

ETHAN: Before we continue on with this conversation, can I change
it?

KIMBERLY: Fine.

(Ethan sits down on the couch and changes it to the Hansbay
Action News with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury)

PATRICK WHITE: Highly unpopular Florida Governor Rick Scott has
announced he has changed his mind and is accepting the Medicaid
expansion prescribed under ObamaCare for his state. He is
following suit with other Republican Governors from Arizona,
Michigan, Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota and Ohio in accepting
the new expansion. This comes at a time when Governor Scott is
considered the least popular Governor in the nation, partially
for signing a law that required welfare recipients submit to drug
tests before receiving benefits, a law that was halted by the
courts. There is no word yet on whether or not the Medicaid
expansion's beneficiaries in Florida will be forced to submit to
urine tests, blood tests, stool samples or transvaginal
ultrasounds.

FIONA CADBURY: Meanwhile in local news, Grisham Industries, the
largest sporting goods supplier in Vermont, is being bought out
by NBC Universal.

KIMBERLY: What?

FIONA CADBURY: NBC Universal, which owns General Electric,
Comcast and Vivendi Universal Entertainment, has caused concerns
with the possibly monopolistic nature of a company that owns
American television networks, numerous cable channels, and a
group of local stations in the United States, as well as motion
picture companies, several television production companies,
branded theme parks and now a sporting goods supplier.

KIMBERLY: No shit!

PATRICK WHITE: NBC Universal President Steve Burke and Grisham
Industries President Mel Grisham had this to say at a joint press
conference in Rockefeller Center.

(They show a press conference with Steve Burke and Mel Grisham in
suits in the Rockefeller Center lobby with a podium and numerous
reporters, microphones and cameras surrounding them)

STEVE BURKE: We are extremely excited for this merger. We are
elated to be able to sell…

MEL GRISHAM: Sporting equipment.

STEVE BURKE: Sporting equipment!

MEL GRISHAM: It's very exciting.

STEVE BURKE: Very exciting. Can I go?

(Cut back to Kimberly and Ethan)

KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, where are our anti-trust laws when we need
them?

ETHAN: Kimmy, you'll be fine, monopolies jack up prices and you
can take advantage of that.

KIMBERLY: They only jack up prices when they've eliminated all
the competition!

ETHAN: You know how long that takes? It takes about as long as a
game of Monopoly.

KIMBERLY: Great, so my business will die slowly.

ETHAN: Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: …Yes?

ETHAN: Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: Ethan, can't you use some of your political clout to
get an anti-trust suit against these clowns?

ETHAN: Kimberly, first of all, you don't want to fuck with the
clown union. They put Jimmy Hoffa in a comically small car and he
was never seen again. Secondly, I work for the Mayor of Hansbay,
Vermont, what the hell am I going to do?

KIMBERLY: Get Sarandon to talk to Governor Shumlin, isn't it his
job to enforce Vermont's anti-trust laws?

KIMBERLY: Macklemore and Daniel Day Lewis will get Best New
Artist and Argo will get the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

ETHAN: You're mixing up like, two awards ceremonies and a
sporting event there.

KIMBERLY: Who gives a shit, they're all the same.

(Ryan, Scott and Oleander come in)

RYAN: Hey dad, mom.

ETHAN: Hi, Ryan, Scott. And uh…who's this?

RYAN: Dad, this is Oleander. He's the guitarist in our band; he
replaced Delaware because Delaware was a piece of shit.

ETHAN: I see, why does he-

KIMBERLY: Ethan.

ETHAN: Yep.

RYAN: Anyway, you know how we have that meeting with talent
appraisers tomorrow?

ETHAN: Yes.

RYAN: Well, we need Oleander to stay somewhere, warm, safe and
not near a pile of glass.

SCOTT: You see, he used to be in a hugely popular band called
Devil's Niece, but once he was kicked out he sort of became a
part-time vagrant.

KIMBERLY: Part-time?

RYAN: The rest of the time he was sleeping on a train.

ETHAN: So he'd still be a vagrant, Ryan, we're not having a
homeless person sleep here tonight!

RYAN: Dad, he needs to be in tip-top condition for the appraisal
tomorrow.

ETHAN: I don't care; he might be a drug addict.

SCOTT: With all due respect sir, you kind of have a drug addict
sleep here every night.

ETHAN: I'm SO SORRY I use medical pot for migraines!

RYAN: He was talking about me, dad.

KIMBERLY: My little Ryan? Drugs? Never!

RYAN: Right, I'm not an addict, I just have a habit. Like,
drinking diet Coke or cutting.

SCOTT: You should've picked different examples.

RYAN: The point is, he needs to stay here so we can succeed.

ETHAN: Ryan, I said no! Why can't he sleep at Scott's house?

SCOTT: My dad said no too.

ETHAN: I can't say I blame them! Ryan, I don't even think I like
that you're hanging out with this homeless drug addict.

OLEANDER: If I could get a word in, edge-wise.

ETHAN: Unless you're a hobo with a golden radio announcer's
voice, absolutely not!

OLEANDER: You're listening to the best hits from the 80s, 90s and
today, next up Daughter by Pearl Jam!

ETHAN: That was just your regular voice.

OLEANDER: I'm working on it. Listen, I may have made some
mistakes in my life. I may have hinged my entire bottom line on a
job at Burger King and membership in an emo band. But in the end,
most of us aren't infallible. And none of us will be come next
Thursday.

SCOTT: Nice.

OLEANDER: So that's why I ask you for your permission to sleep on
your dustiest, most uncomfortable and closest to a window with no
blinds couch. Make me as uncomfortable as possible if you wish,
just please; let me stay here so your son's band can be
successful.

KIMBERLY: …Ethan, he seems sincere.

ETHAN: They all do. (He sighs) You can stay here if you take a
fucking shower.

RYAN: YES!

(Scott, Ryan and Oleander hug. Cut to Madeline on her computer in
her apartment. She goes on to CNN.com and it shows the headline
"Probe of Kansas City Gas Explosion Completed". But then, a huge
rainbow banner ad reading "JOIN DUPLICIT! JOIN DUPLICIT" appears,
accompanied by animated GIFs of kittens barfing sunshine and Psy
doing the Harlem Shake appear)

MADELINE: The fuck? OLIVER!

(Oliver walks over)

OLIVER: What?

MADELINE: Look at this! I just went on CNN.com and this appeared!

OLIVER: What the fuck?

MADELINE: That's one of the Duplicit ads? A seizure-inducing
obnoxious banner ad?

OLIVER: God, that's awful. It doesn't even mention what the site
is for.

MADELINE: Yeah! This will annoy people, not attract them.

OLIVER: I agree, this is too much. I'll talk to Kyle. (Cut to
Oliver and Kyle at some diner) Kyle, what the fuck?

KYLE: What? People like memes!

OLIVER: You didn't even mention what the site is for!

KYLE: It's about drawing people in!

OLIVER: They can't be drawn in if they're having a seizure!

KYLE: If they're prone to seizures, I'm not sure we want them on
our website.

KYLE: Fine. By the way, I was doing some Jewish research and I
found that the best way to expand our business at this point is
to go public.

OLIVER: Really?

KYLE: Yes.

OLIVER: I'm not sure if that's prudent at this point.

KYLE: I'm sorry, did you have a barmitzvah?

OLIVER: Well, no-

KYLE: בדיוק, אתה לא.

(SUBTITLES: Exactly, you don't)

OLIVER: Kyle, what are the benefits of going public then if
you're the expert?

KYLE: I am the expert and the benefits are abundant. We can raise
capital, get publicity and increase our market share.

OLIVER: Kyle, Duplicit has been up for a month and a half, are
you sure we're ready for this? Facebook had been around for eight
years by the time it went public.

KYLE: Yeah, but if it had gone public in March of 2004 it would
have three billion users by now.

OLIVER: …You've done market research on this?

KYLE: Tons. I've got literally stacks of papers, if you want me
to read them to you, then I'll do it.

OLIVER: Don't. If you think it's best to go public, then I'll
defer to your jewdgement.

KYLE: Todah rabah. By the way, we'll need to fill out paper work
for the Securities and Exchange Commission if we want to go
public.

(Oliver stands up)

OLIVER: I'm sure you can handle it.

KYLE: Yes I can.

(Kyle stands up, smiles and shakes Oliver's hand)

OLIVER: Don't we need to eat?

(Kyle lets go of Oliver's hand)

KYLE: Sure, what kind of Chinese food does this place have?

OLIVER: Why do you let your religion define you so much?

KYLE: Since when do I worship Chinese food? (Oliver sighs and
walks away as Kyle smiles. Kyle picks up his phone and dials a
number. It rings and someone answers) Bobby, he said yes.

(Cut to Ryan and Scott asleep in the same bed in Ryan's room.
Their phone alarms go off, telling them to wake up. They both
open their eyes)

RYAN: Goddamnit.

SCOTT: It never feels like it's been long enough.

RYAN: That's why I like to wake up in the middle of the night and
see that I have plenty of time left to sleep.

SCOTT: Yeah, that is nice.

(They both fall back asleep. Cut to thirty minutes later,
Oleander comes in, wearing the newly-hemmed jeans and a black
collared shirt with a red tie. He also appears less disheveled
and clean. He shakes Ryan and Scott)

OLEANDER: Guys!

(They get up)

SCOTT: Ah!

RYAN: What? Shit, what time is it?

OLEANDER: It's nine thirty, you guys slept too late.

(Ryan and Scott get up out of bed)

SCOTT: Damnit, we got to hurry.

RYAN: Yeah, but when are you all of a sudden punctual, Olly?

OLEANDER: Rob here gave me some pointers when I slept in the
closet last night.

(Rob comes in wearing sweats and a robe with a bagel in hand)

ROB: (Mouth full) I taught this kid a thing or two about
responsibility.

(Ryan and Scott scramble. Cut to Scott and Oleander waiting
outside the bathroom while Ryan takes a shower)

SCOTT: …RYAN, HURRY THE FUCK UP!

RYAN: I'M TOO COMFORTABLE TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

(Kimberly walks in)

KIMBERLY: How long has he been in there?

SCOTT: Damn near twenty minutes.

KIMBERLY: Jesus, he slipped and fell and cracked his head open!
(Kimberly knocks on the door profusely) RYAN?! RYAN?! ARE YOU
OKAY?!

SCOTT: No, Mrs. Donahue-

(She bangs up against the door from her side repeatedly)

KIMBERLY: I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU, RYAN!

SCOTT: No, Mrs. Donahue, he's fine! We were just talking to him!

KIMBERLY: GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF OF ME!

SCOTT: I'm not touching you!

(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in Ryan's car. Ryan is driving,
Oleander is in the back)

RYAN: You look good, Olly, you remind me of Billy Joe Armstrong
from Green Day except you're not forty-one with a substance abuse
problem.

OLEANDER: I do have a substance abuse problem.

RYAN: But you're not forty-one!

OLEANDER: Well, when I joined Devil's Niece a year and a half
ago, I had dreams of becoming this generation's Kurt Cobain or
Tupac Shakur or Jimi Hendrix.

SCOTT: So you dreamed of dying young?

OLEANDER: I'm twenty-one, so I got a good six years left.

RYAN: I swear I saw a 46-year old Kurt Cobain working at a Best
Buy the other day.

SCOTT: Didn't you own a restaurant for a while after they kicked
you out of Devil's Niece?

OLEANDER: Yeah, it was a restaurant in Rhode Island with no doors
and a continuous audio track playing through speakers of a busy
restaurant, I did it just to fuck with people, but I ended up
blowing my severance on it.

RYAN: Bands give severance?

OLEANDER: Mallart's a nice man.

(Cut to Mr. Litwak, Mr. McKeller, Mr. Passamano and Mr. Kissick
in a large ball room. They are sitting on chairs and a few feet
in front of them is a microphone and a drum set)

MR. LITWAK: That last group was great.

MR. MCKELLER: I know, they were all attractive fifteen-years old
that could pass for eighteen, all their songs were hollow and
meaningless but catchy and plus, none of them had diabetes.

MR. KISSICK: Yeah, that was the one flaw with the Jonas Brothers.

MR. PASSAMANO: Too bad we passed on them.

MR. LITWAK: Yeah.

(They all sit there, contemplating for ten seconds)

MR. MCKELLER: Anyway, NEXT!

(Ryan, Scott and Oleander come in. Oleander is holding a guitar)

MR. KISSICK: Oh. Hello, there.

RYAN: Hi.

SCOTT: How you doin'?

OLEANDER: Hey.

(They all face the judges)

RYAN: Do you want us to go ahead and start?

MR. KISSICK: By all means.

MR. PASSMANO: Not all means. I just want to clarify, that not all
means.

RYAN: …O-kay, um, first of all, our name is Depraved Hallway Fern
and this song is called "Proof of Purchase". Ready? (His band
members nod and Ryan starts singing as Scott plays drums and
Oleander plays guitar) I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU'RE MY
BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL
AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of
purchase? Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or
will it press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it's
trees! For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU!
ON MY SHOULDER! WE'RE GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO!
I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR
KINDLY SOUL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely
heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I
cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I
notice, this love is tragedy! (Thirty-second instrumental) I SEE
YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! YOU'RE MY BEHOLDER! FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I
GOOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD CALL AN, OPINION, BUT YOU ARE MIND
CONTROOOOL! Where is the proof of purchase? Where is my lonely
heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it press restart? I
cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees! For in my heart I
notice, this love is tragedy! I SEE YOU! ON MY SHOULDER! WE'RE
GETITNG BOLDER, FOLLOW US WHEREVER WE GOOO! I AM, WHAT YOU WOULD
CALL AN, ATTENTION, SEEKING MENTION, BY YOUR KINDLY SOUL! I SEE
YOU! I SEE YOU! CAN YOU SEE ME? I MUST BLIND
MY-SELF, FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM! IF I DO NOT, THEN
MA'AM, YOU'RE CAUGHT! I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF
BECAUSE I CAN'T BE TAUGHT! (The music goes silent except for
Ryan's singing and an occasional guitar riff. Ryan speaks this
line more quietly this time) Where is the proof of purchase?
Where is my lonely heart? Scheming towards oblivion? Or will it
press restart? I cannot see the forest, for any of it's trees.
For in my heart I notice, this love is tragedyyyyy…

(The song ends. Ryan, Scott and Oleander wait at a tension)

MR. KISSICK: Um…I'm not sure if this is what we're looking for,
thanks though.

RYAN: Wait, what?

MR. PASSAMANO: Yeah, we're just not sure if you'll test well in
the demographic we're going after.

MR. LITWAK: Last time I checked, you don't have the hair cred of
the Biebs, so beat it.

SCOTT: I am-URRGGH, I am incensed. I will post a picture of me
being angry on Instagram and you guys are going to be sorry.

MR. MCKELLER: SECURITY!

OLEANDER: It's fine! We'll leave on our own; I've been kicked out
of too many places in the last three weeks.

(Ryan, Oleander and Scott walk out of the room, Scott brings his
guitar with him. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly watching the Oscars on
Sunday night)

ETHAN: Seth McFarlane really loves to sing, doesn't he?

KIMBERLY: He likes to sing as much as he likes to write and
produce eight different animated shows at once all about the same
thing.

ETHAN: Why is it that Ben Affleck and George Clooney looked like
what would happen if Ulysses S. Grant and Benjamin Harrison were
a gay couple who just got done eating a plate of chicken wings?

KIMBERLY: To upstage Daniel Day Lewis, I don't know. I'm just
glad Argo won best picture, because it shows how brave and bold
President Carter was.

ETHAN: President Carter himself said that the movie gave too much
credit to the American CIA and that Canada did most of the leg
work.

KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, he can't have anything.

ETHAN: All of the movies nominated this year were about the past,
Argo took place 34 years ago, Lincoln took place 148 years ago,
Zero Dark Thirty took place a year and a half ago, it seems like
everyone would rather it be any other year than 2013.

KIMBERLY: It's hard to like living in 2013 when McDonald's,
Starbucks, flying death robots and beards are ubiquities.

ETHAN: I know, what is with the beard thing?! I hate it!

KIMBERLY: I know. But on the bright side, Anne Hathaway was great
in Les Mis and Quvenzhané Wallis is absolutely adorable.

ETHAN: She is.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, the Onion called her a cunt.

ETHAN: Jesus Christ.

(Cut to the TV. It shows a commercial depicting a man sitting on
a couch with a remote, very happy)

MAN: Man, I love watching TV. I only wish I could watch TV at an
amusement park.

ANNOUNCER: (Off camera) YOU CAN!

MAN: Wha? (Suddenly, the man is at an amusement park pushing a
cradle with a TV in it and he's wearing a safari cap and
sunglasses and is holding a remote control) Wow! But what if I
want to watch a movie, play racquetball or watch the local news?

(Suddenly, he's holding a racquetball racket and the TV displays
a split screen with local news on one side and a movie on the
other. Also, he now has a nagging wife by his side)

ANNOUNCER: You can do all that whilst using the services of ONE
company, NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM! (The logo for
NBC-UNIVERSAL-GRISHAM appears on screen) That's right! You can
get your racket on while watching all of your favorite shows,
such as 1600 Penn, (the TV displays the logo for 1600 Penn, and
as each show is mentioned, the title card for that show appears
on the TV) The Voice, what's left of The Office, whatever Do No
Harm is and Girls! Actually, Girls isn't on NBC, but…I just think
it's awesome.

ETHAN: Kim, have any of your clients called you and said they're
leaving since Friday?

KIMBERLY: No, but-

ETHAN: But nothing! You're fine! Okay?

KIMBERLY: (Sighs) Fine.

(Ryan walks in, looking dejected)

ETHAN: Hey buddy. How are you holding up?

RYAN: Terribly. I never thought rejection by four old white men
would be more painful than rejection by a girl.

KIMBERLY: Don't fret, they're a bunch of exploiters anyway, if
they had let you in they would've milked you for all you had and
left you for the wolves.

RYAN: I'm loving the cognitive dissonance, but my razor blades
are beginning to dull, which has never happened before.

ETHAN: You cut yourself?

RYAN: I'm sorry, have we met?

ETHAN: Who were those old white guys anyway?

RYAN: I don't know, some rubes named Litwak, Passamano, McKeller
and Kissick.

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, Ryan, those are the four old white men who
invested in my business!

RYAN: Really?!

KIMBERLY: Yeah!

RYAN: Oh my God, that's awesome! Maybe you could nudge them in
the right direction?

KIMBERLY: Sure, I'll call them first thing tomorrow morning.

RYAN: Thanks, mommy, so much!

(Ryan runs toward Kimberly and hugs her. While they're embracing,
Ethan reaches over and puts his hand on Ryan's shoulder once. Cut
to Kyle filling out forms for the Securities and Exchange
Commission at his dorm room's desk. He comes to a part that says
"Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?".
He checks the "no" box. In the "if so, explain" and writes "N/A".
He then gets to a part that says "Chief Executive Officer:"
andwith a devilish smile,he half-hesitantlywrites "Kyle
Lautenberg". He then comes to a part that says "Chief Operations
Officer:" and he writes "Brandon Nehring". Then he comes to a
part that says "Chief Financial Officer". He shakes slightly as
he writes "Oliver Mulvaney". He then grins widely. He then comes
to a question that says "Are you pregnant or nursing?", leaving
him with a confused countenance. Cut to Kimberly and Ethan in
bed. Their alarm goes off and it reads "8 AM MON FEBRUARY 25
2013". The radio turns on as Ethan and Kimberly get up. Ethan
walks into the bathroom while Kimberly sits up in bed)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's a beautiful morning in Hansbay, Vermont,
ladies and gentlemen, who watched the Oscars last night? God,
Michelle Obama's arms were EILFs! Extremities I'd like to f**k!
Woo, good thing we have a seven-second delay. Anyway, we've got
an hour of commercial-free music coming up, followed by an hour
of commercials, so strap in! Just to remind you, this radio
station is owned by NBC-COMCAST-GRISHAM, so be grateful!

KIMBERLY: Jesus. (Kimberly turns the radio off. Cut to Kimberly
kissing a fully-dressed Ethan on the lips as he walks to his car,
gets inside and drives off. As he drives off, Jacob walks over to
Kimberly, hugs her and walks to his car. As he's walking,
Kimberly notices the back of his backpack says "NBC-UNIVERSAL
SCHOOL GEAR", which makes her rather consternated. Jacob gets in
his car and drives off. Across the street, she notices a group of
elementary school children, including Jeff Sanford, gathered at a
bus stop. The bus drives over and stops to pick them up. Kimberly
notices the side of the bus says "HANSBAY-NBC-COMCAST-GRISHAM
INDEPENDENT SCHOOL SYSTEM", which shocks Kimberly. A man walks
over wearing a "Broadview Security" uniform and holding a sign)
Can I help you?

BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: Yes ma'am, we need to replace your sign.

(The security guy lifts their Broadview sign from the ground and
replaces it with another sign. Kimberly runs over and looks at
the new sign and it says "BROADVIEW-NBC-COMCAST-GRISHAM-#BIEBER
HOME SECURITY")

KIMBERLY: WHAT THE FUCK?

BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: That'd be five hundred dollars.

(Kimberly looks toward the sky with fists raised)

KIMBERLY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(She looks back down)

BROADVIEW SECURITY GUY: Um…that was weird.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, in TV shows, a scene just ends after someone does
that, but I guess in real life, you have to experience the
aftermath.