This Conservative's Nightmare Version of Liberalism Actually Sounds Pretty Fun

You stand inside a voting booth facing a decision between two political parties. One of them stands for "all sex all the time." The other, well ... doesn't. Which way do you vote?

The Heritage Foundation, an influential conservative think tank, hosted a discussion Tuesday called "Where Is Liberalism Going?" The idea was to predict where liberalism is headed and how conservatives can prepare for the future.

Maybe things won't be so bad! David Azerrad, director of Heritage's B. Kenneth Simon Center for Principles and Politics, laid out a description of liberalism that seems pretty OK. "It's all sex all the time," he said. "It's not just the sex itself — it's the permission to indulge."

Of course, Azerrad's point wasn't just that liberals want to have sex. His thesis is that people would rather trade in their political freedom for social freedom. Take all my taxes, just stay out of the bedroom!

The result is a wide-ranging laundry list of harmful liberal voices and influences, rounded up by MSNBC. There's Senate Democrats, Rolling Stone, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the term "mansplaining" and Gawker.

Gawker drew ire for publishing Adam Weinstein's "Arrest Climate-Change Deniers," a relatively self-explanatory post. National Review correspondent Kevin Williamson used it to explain why the left is "intellectually dead, and where it's heading towards is authoritarianism."

That fear of authoritarianism was echoed when the panel discussed Sunday's People's Climate March in New York City, where hundreds of thousands of people showed up to push for stricter environmental regulations. Williamson called the protestersa "hate-filled, angry crowd, screaming in rage," which, to their credit, can be really hard to pull off while holding giant flowers.

Joking (hopefully) about the march's name, Williamson said, "As you know from history, the kind of thing that has 'the people's' appended in front of it, genocide is just around the corner." Quick, someone stop the People's Choice Awards! It's been 40 years and could erupt into genocide any second!

So, the big takeaway from one of the right's most important think tanks is that liberalism means lots of sex, no matter how many climate-change-combating policies itneeds to implement to get there. That may not make for a perfect country, but it sounds a lot better than the one we've got right now.