The economic downturn has hit the yoga community. The CEOs (John Friend, David Life and Rodney Yee) of the big three American yoga companies, Anusara, Jivamukti and Yee, Inc, were in Washington today requesting a bailout for their respected yoga enterprises. A previous attempt was rebuked by congress when it was revealed that all three arrived for the meeting via private flying carpets (though the head of Yee, Inc insists that he arrived via his ever popular totally organic, range-free, pranic induced, lotus scented, Purple Yee yoga mat). They arrived this time by walking to the meeting clothed only in loin cloths while carrying Vedic tridents and alms buckets (the alms buckets impressed the members like ‘no get-out” but some of the congresswomen were freaked out by the tridents).

Arriving this time with a well though out plan to help stop the bleeding of yoga students to home practice and thus profits, congress seemed friendlier towards the idea of a bailout. The plan involves selling off yoga poses that have become unpopular and somewhat ‘dorkey’ in the hot "American Yoga" marketplace. With plunging class attendance, it is felt that these poses are just not attractive to the fickle U.S. yoga public. They include:

The buyer for these poses is the small but vibrant Pilates. Those in the yoga community and some in congress (especially those not totally perplexed by what the heck yoga is and why these three guys in loin cloths were before them asking for a bailout) feel that this will be a viable plan but some in the Pilates community expressed concern that this transfer of poses might weaken Pilates.

One practitioner, Betty, the owner of Pilates with Betty, explained what many in that community feel, “WTF! Don’t we have enough dorkey poses? I mean, hell, try “Rolling like a Ball” or “Rowing” if you want to feel real lame. What, now we have “Happy Baby” to add to the damage our self-esteem?”

Yoga has been criticized in the last few years for it's excesses and it’s involvement in the “Yoga Industrial Complex” with it’s endless new styles, slick magazines, high end clothing, extravagant yoga wares and the self-indulgent life styles of yoga stars. It is clear now that this has all came at a price resulting in higher costs for yoga classes for students and disgruntled teachers feeling that they have not shared in the bounty that yoga studio owners and yoga stars have reveled in.

Betty added, “You know Pilates had none of that stuff. We barely have any DVDs like the slick ones by the famous yoga stars you see in Yoga Journal. Heck, it would be the funniest thing to hear that someone would pay money for a Pilate conference or claiming they are a Pilate star for that matter. As far as I’m concerned, yoga could just go bankrupt…”

In another development, there are rumors on the street that Tai Chi is in talks with Qigong is in talks about a possible merger. This shows the on-going contraction and consolidation in the exotic exercisemarket.

Some of the pose that Yoga will sell

Ananda Balasana - Happy baby

Eka pada sirsanana - Foot behind the head pose

Dwi Pada Sirsasana - Feet behind the head pose

Simhasana - Lion pose

Karnapidasana - Knee to ear pose

Urdhva upavistha konasana - Upward angle open angle pose

Iceland Adopts the Yogo

Bjork the Stork
For Yoga In Really Cold Places Magazine

In bankruptcy, Iceland is the first country to officially adopt the Yogo, the international yoga currency that has been slowly gaining acceptance with yogis worldwide. With food stocks down to 3 to 5 weeks, Iceland needs to quickly restore a proper foreign exchange market so importers can get back to normal business and avoid shortages, importers said on Wednesday.
Since the crisis broke out on the north Atlantic island of 300,000 people, involving the government taking over the top three banks, suppliers to Iceland have cut credit to importers. Some have also demanded pre-payment for goods. A possibility of real bread lines in the country, the prime minister called for drastic measures to stem the crisis.

“With the króna all but worthless, this Yogo is a good thing for Iceland”, said prime minister, Geir Haarde in a news conference. When asked why they would not accept a more formidable currency like the US dollar, the prime minister replied, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …cough, cough …cough, cough, cough …………”, as he went into a coughing fit.

The Yogo is of importance because with the global yoga economy reaching 800 trillion (in Euros), the Yogo had begun being used worldwide as the devaluation of global currencies continue, effectively replacing the US dollar for all yoga transactions. No downturn in business, even a global recession, has put a dent in the demand for yoga classes. The Yogo was developed as a currency of exchange among practitioners of yoga as a stable currency.

Though in dire straits, Iceland is not yet ready to take the extreme measures that North Dakota proposed of renaming the entire state, Yoga, to attempt to stop the out flux of population from the state to warmer climates. The concept though was not lost on the yoga practitioners there. “Well, I would love to see yoga play a more prominent part in the economy of Iceland. I don’t want to go back to fishing and Yogaland really doesn’t sound so bad for the country”, commented Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, President of Iceland.

The One Yogo Bill

The One Hundred Yogo Bill

New Yoga School is a Yawn

Tudy Smikanoff
For New Yoga Style Journal

What started out as a rogue Yoga movement, zBest Yoga has taken the Yoga world by storm or as some might say, by yawn. The brain-child of Guru-Z, a former Sheboygan, Wisconsin plumber turned Yoga guru, zBest Yoga is the latest entry in the crowded Yoga scene. Capitalizing on an aspect of Yoga practice that Guru-Z claims is one of the most popular among Yoga students of all strips and disciplines, zBest Yoga consists entirely of laying on a Yoga mat, in a comfortable position, with eyes closed for an entire 90 minute session.

Though this new Yoga style might seem a bit ‘light-weight’ to Yoga students that practice a more vigorous style of Yoga such as Ashtanga; students nonetheless have been flocking to zBest Yoga studios in increasing numbers. “We are seeing students who have hurt themselves doing Ashtanga or who have become bored silly with Iynegar”, commented Guru-Z in a recent interview.

Explaining his method of Yoga, Guru-Z recounted how he had reached inner peace or nirvana in a yoga class. “Well, you see, my wife suggested I go to one of her Yoga classes, which I thought was the stupidest idea she ever had; and believe me, she had a lot of those. Anyway, I realized that all that crazy crap they were doing was pretty whacked. And don’t get me started on the mumbo-jumbo that went on in that class. That teacher was talking shit in another language or something.”

Guru-Z when on to mentioned that his moment of Enlightenment came when at the end of the class, the students laid on their backs in a final pose known as Savasana. “Well, let me tell you, I had the best snooze ever. My wife told me I embarrassed her because I was snoring up a storm. But I tell you, when she finally kicked me in the head at the end of pose, I felt great. It was then and there that I decided to start zBest Yoga.

Like other Yoga classes this one starts off with a chant. While other styles of Yoga might use the sound of Om, a typical class starts with a chant that sounds a lot like snoring. Students are encouraged to be inventive and loud as Guru-Z believed this sets up the next stage in the process known as the 'Great Yawning'. “This is the gateway between earthly existence and transcendental bliss,” the Guru explained. As observed by current students of the method, this yawing is a contagious function that usually goes on for several minutes. The final phase of the zBest Yoga method finds the students on there backs in what appears to be a suspended state of trance. Though an objective observer might claim that the students are really sleeping with all the snoring, drooling and occasional passing of gas, Guru-Z claims that this is Yoga.

YogaDawgs Gather in the Desert

St. Christopher
For Yoga Phenomenon

They come with yoga mats, sticks of incense and pictures of the OM symbol to a stark desert location. Their cameras are at the ready to capture an image of YogaDawg if he should appear in the sky. Under a sunny, cloudless sky, they do yoga asanas and chant in a circle around a huge sand mandala. Even though they hope to see a vision of YogaDawg, they eagerly await Nagual Seer, a 45-year-old ‘yogi’ from Redwood City, California who comes on the 26th of each month to this site--now christened “YogaDawg of the Rock” --and declares whether YogaDawg is in their midst.

Two of the faithful waiting for YogaDawg to appear

On weekends the faithful can number 10,000 or more. On Thursday, the crowd is 1,000 strong. Vendors work the crowd selling malas, incense, CD of yoga stars, the Miracle OM self-opening umbrella branded with pictures of YogaDawg and the most coveted of their wears, time shares in the exclusive YogaDawg Acres, an super high-end ashram catering to the YogaDawg believers.

Some of the YogaDawg believers pracrticing the advanced yoga pose YogaDawgasana

"See, its YogaDawg," says Jennie-ji, 36, cradling her digital camera to show a shot she took just before Seer's arrival. She points to a vaguely dog-shaped smudge of white light. Maybe you could construe it to be the shape of a seated YogaDawg in his traditional pose with cupped hand. While others claim to see YogaDawg from time to time, only Nagual Seer claims to see him with regularity and incredible clarity.

Followers of YogaDawg trying to catch a glimpse of the 'guru'

"YogaDawg always appears around noon, as if he is coming to lunch", Seer explains. "He looks like a big cloud coming from the sky very slowly and then he appears in front of me. I see him very clearly.”
The first photos of the fabled YogaDawg were taken about year ago when Seer, who describes himself as a lone tourist “eco-traveler”, was doing a ‘vision quest’ in the Nevada desert. While ‘meditating’ on the vast wonder of the American desert, he was interrupted by a harmonic melody which he said sounded strangely like a Charlie Parker riff. As he opens his eye he explained, ”I noticed a strange cloud form in from of me. As there were no clouds in the sky, it caught my attention. What flipped me out was that it looked like a dog’s head. Now how weird is that? Anyway, I grabbed my camera and started taking pictures.”

YogaDawg of the Rock

According to Mr. Seer, he came to his ‘vision quest’ one day as he was driving through the desert to do some gambling in Las Vegas. Running low on gas, he stopped at the “Last Gas Before Entering This God Forsaken Desert” service station. As he filled the tank, Nagual Seer, the owner started a conversion explaining that he was a Yanqui shaman. "The dude pointed to a spot in the desert and said that I should go there and sit. Well thinking this guy was nuts or drunk, I kind of brushed him off." Mr. Seer continued, “Well, it was then that this Indian dude gave me two enormous doobies, and pointed to the desert again and said, “you go there and sit.”

“So there I am doing the doobies in the desert when things got really whacked out. All of a sudden there were all these dogs raining from the sky. I knew I must have been trippin'; man, but it looked so freaking real”, he continued. He claimed he had enough presence of mind to snap some photos of the phenomenon.

Photo taken by Nagual Seer showing YogaDawgs materializing in the desert

Another photo by Nagual Seer showing the gathering of the YogaDawgs

A History of YogaDawgs

Though some express skepticism regarding the “YogaDawg phenomenon” citing it as simply mass delusion or hypnosis, scholars of YogaDawg have another explaination. “Visons of YogaDawgs, though rare, are documented thorough out history. Though few have made the connection, this vision does translate in works of art from time to time.”, explained Kelly Spitz, PhD, a leading YogaDawg historian at Yale University. “These appearences seem to coincide in times of great earthly stress.” With the world economy teetering on the brink of a new great depression; home prices collapsing; rising energy demands with the correspondeing greenhouse gas explosion causing global warming and most distressing of all, Sarah Palin arriving on the American bid for Vice President, it is no wonder why this visitiation is happening at this time," ’Ms. Spitz commented.

A leading expert on the art of the YogaDawg, William Reganald Daggoneit, III, a curator at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC walked us through some of the rare but very real depiction of YogaDawgs through history.

Pic 1 Ancient YogaDawgs, coyotes and petroglyphs

Pic 2 The original spinx restored

Pic 3 The Parthenon freize in the British Museum

Pic 4 Gargoyles on Notre Dame

Pic 5 YogaDawg by Vincent Van Gogh

New Computer Virus Ruining Lives

John Havalock
For Yoga Prevention Magazine

A warning was announced from leading software companies that a new virus has been infecting large numbers of computers around the world. This virus, known as the “BKS ver. 1.3756_LOY” virus, arrives via email attachments. Its subject line is designed to trick the recipient into opening the email using a subtle but clever come-on such as SEX SEX SEX targeting males or SHOES SHOES SHOES targeting females.

Users infected with the virus report symptoms ranging from a humming Om sound coming from their hard drive to screen anomalies such as words in documents bending, binding and twisting. It has also been noted that random sentences are occasionally translated into Sanskrit. One infected user found the first twelve verses of the Yoga Sutras inserted into an office memo sent out to co-workers. Another found illustrations of yoga poses peppered throughout a financial PowerPoint presentation presented to the members of the board of his company.

Late stage infections will find the virus using the computer to program the user’s cell phone to chant Hari Krishna while sending emails to yoga studios to sign the user up for yoga classes and workshops. One infected user reported that the virus signed her up for several yoga conferences and had automatically authorized payment from her husband’s credit card (her husband disputes that this had anything to do with a computer virus citing instead a yoga addiction his wife has struggled with for years). In the most disturbing instances, the virus has been found subscribing infected users to Yoga Journal magazine.

Though rare, the virus has shown the ability to leap from computer to user. When this happens, the infected user suddenly loses their sense of humor while earnestly extolling the virtue of yoga to family, friends and coworkers. They will stop talking about sports, their kids, shopping and begin babbling incoherently about yoga. They have been reported to replace their household bric-a-brac, sports trophies, thrift-store paintings and pictures of their kids with statues of Buddha, Om symbols and photos of yoga stars. There have also been reports of infected users quitting their well paying jobs to begin training as yoga teachers.

To eradicate this virus from the computer, anti-virus software venders suggest inserting a copy of Richard Simmons, “Sweating with the Oldies” or an old Jane Fonda workout DVD in the hard drive. For humans infected with the virus, doctors prescribe Pilates classes twice a day and recommend staying away from the computer for the next several months.

A users home BEFORE infection from the BKS ver. 1.3756_LOY

A users home AFTER infection from the BKS ver. 1.3756_LOY

Yoga Blog Hacked

Yogi Bum
For Yoga Security Weekly

In a bizarre twist in the continuing saga of Guru YogaDawg, the My Third Eye Itches blog has been hacked by a group of yogis calling themselves the Yoga Liberation Front. The group left no demands. Other then a ransom note-like message reading, “This blog is now under control of the Yoga Liberation Front! Viva YogaDawg”, no other information was contained in this blog posting. Though some in the yoga community can’t explain the sudden activity on the YogaDawg blog, others have exclaimed joy that there seems to be some movement in “unblocking this yoga blog crisis”.

YogaDawg, who described himself as the leading proponent of yoga humor, had run into sever opposition to his light-hearted method of yoga from what he described as the “Yoga Industrial Complex”. It was back in May 2008 that the YogaDawg blog was suspended due to complaint by conservative yoga organizations and oddly enough, Tom Cruise.

When Jennie-Ji, a long-time follower of Guru YogaDawg, was asked about this turn of events, she commented, “I don’t know what’s going on but there is suddenly a lot of chatter in yoga classes about the possible return of YogaDawg from hiding. I actually saw a few relieved smiles on yogis faces”. Jennie-Ji went on to explain that there was a great fear in the yoga community that yoga might go back to the dark humorless days that existed before the arrival of YogaDawg on the scene. “We are keeping our fingers crossed in our yoga poses that this might be a sign of the return of YogaDawg”.

Editor’s Note: There have been several alleged sightings in the past months of YogaDawg, but none have been confirmed that these are the “Guru” himself. Known for his advanced Siddhas (yoga powers), it is believed that it is all but impossible to photograph the guru in public (see Paparazzi Snap YogaDawg). Perhaps strangest of all is what appears to be a run for president of the United State by YogaDawg with the Dalia Lama as his running mate under the independent OM Party.