JOKES

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said: “How the fuck did you get in here?” Jeremy, Brisbane

I hate French jokes. They’re crêpe. Felix, Darlinghurst

It took me ages to change the time on all my clocks. There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.Jez, Broome

Supermarkets are only there so you buy things you don’t need. For example, during the summer heatwave, I bought eight cans of dog food. When I got back to my car, however, I discovered I didn’t need it. Susanne, Manly

I’ve had to take a second job working in a bakery.I knead the dough. Siobhan, Surry Hills

They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don’t. Richie, Neutral BayI hate those places where you’re not allowed to touch the girls while they’re stripping.That’s why I’ve stopped going to the changing rooms in Debenhams. Tim, Manchester

I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts speculate that the designer of the ship had a lisp.That’s unthinkable! Derek, Potts Point

I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.But for once I’d like a realistic commercial. I propose an advert containing the image of a sweaty, overweight man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating c*nt.

Jordan Jokes

IT’S only been a few days since the tragic news of Jordan and Peter Andre’s sudden split but the Great British public have already bounced back from this hammer blow by doing what they do best – taking the piss.

Yes the nation’s grief is being hidden by a brave mask of not giving a monkeys, in the form of a raft of tasteless jokes. Here are some of our favourites…

• I had to get a Visa last week to gain entry into Jordan. I prefer the good old days when she accepted cash.

• Why is Peter Andre like a meal from KFC? Because he comes in a bucket.

• What’s worse than being married to Peter Andre? Being dumped by him.

• So Katie and Peter have split up. I just want to know who gets custody of the camera crew?

• I saw that Peter Andre today. I said to him, “so, tell me Peter, what was the third thing that attracted you to your wife?”

• Katie Price and Peter Andre are splitting up. Apparently it all kicked off at the weekend when he heard on the news that the Pope had been in Jordan.