The Blizzard Conspiracy

by Original Bitter Asian Men on September 18, 2008

I don’t know if I should even be writing this. You see, I’ve uncovered a vast conspiracy that goes to the highest levels, a conspiracy with far-reaching, sinister goals of the darkest nature. I may be putting my life in danger by writing this. If you don’t hear from me in awhile, you’ll know what happened to me – I was assassinated by corporate forces for getting too close to the truth.

I am of course, talking about the truth behind Blizzard Entertainment.

I began digging after hearing news reports of a Chinese man who died after a marathon gaming session over the Chinese New Year holiday. See, in China, the New Year holiday actually lasts that entire week, and pretty much all public businesses are closed. This man’s parents quoted him as saying that there was nothing to do besides computer and TV, so he had spent the ‘vast majority’ of that seven-day period playing online games. At the end of it, he collapsed and died.

The news reports didn’t name the game the guy was playing, but they didn’t have to. I knew the culprit wasWorld of Warcraft. (In the off chance that I am wrong and that it was not actually World of Warcraft… that doesn’t matter. Blizzard is still the biggest contributor to this conspiracy.) You see, this isn’t the first time a Chinese guy has died playing World of Warcraft. In a country where internet cafes can be crowded and un-air-conditioned, there have been multiple stories of deaths surrounding WoW and other similar games. It’s not just players hurting themselves, either; a man shot and killed his friend for scamming him on an in-game trade, and a pair of parents neglected their infant child in favor of playing WoW, leading to the kid’s death.

A recent report by the Chinese government says that nearly 13% of teenagers in the country can be classified as online gaming addicts.

Sound suspicious, right? A scary coincidence, you might think? You are wrong. I have found out, through thorough investigative journalism and several anonymous sources that I will not name even if threatened with contempt of court, the chilling truth: Blizzard invented World of Warcraft to kill off the Asian race.

Think about it! You’ve got Asians killing themselves, Asians killing each other, Asians killing their children! You also have Asians being forced to work in virtual sweatshops, by which I mean gold farmers. But perhaps more sinister than these incidents are the wider societal changes prompted by WoW. You see, by making WoW so addictive, Blizzard is single-handedly emasculating the social competence of an entire generation of young Asians. The results will be clear. You will have Asians who know how to /flirt, but not flirt. You will have Asians who can manage aggro, but not a girl.

You will have Asians who can get to Level 70, but not first base.

This, coupled with China’s one-child policy and the rising imbalance in the male-to-female ratio in the country, will lead to a fall in marriage/birth rate, and the inevitable demise of the Chinese race. It’s pretty obvious that Korea will follow suit. A ridiculous chunk of the Korean economy already revolves around Starcraft. All Blizzard has to do to put the nail in the Korean man’s childbearing coffin is to add Zerg as a playable race to WoW.

Basically, Asian man are spending so much time online that they can’t build up enough DKP to court a girl.

Inconceivable, you say? Let me remind you of some other government conspiracies. You know, like the CIA inventing crack cocaine to eliminate poor blacks, or the Reagan administration inventing AIDS to kill off the gays. Blizzard, founded in 1991, must be a front of the Bush administration with the unstated mission of destroying the Yellow Peril. Why not do it more openly?

As Stephen Colbert says, China is our frenemy.

They are our enemies in that they are a militaristic, powerful Communist nation, while they are our friends in that they give us cheap plastic toys and mail-order brides. The US cannot open hostilities without threatening a major disruption to our tube socks import industry. Hence, Blizzard has been given the task to deal with the Yellow Peril – not with missiles, but Direct Damage.