Wish You Were Here: Alpha-Ball Psychic Stimulator

For this edition of “Wish You Were Here,” I present to you the Alpha Ball Psychic Stimulator. The appeal of this one is fairly obvious, am I right, LADIES? First off, anything that advertises itself as a “psychic stimulator” has my attention. (Cue my boyfriend rolling his eyes.) But in case you’re confused about what the Alpha Ball actually is, please take a minute to read the product description:

What is Alpha energy? Alpha energy is the pleasure frequency of the brain. Alpha Ball is an intense source of this pleasure frequency.

WHEN? WHERE? Alpha Ball can be used virtually anywhere, anytime. We caution only that you be sensible while driving.”

So it’s kind of a massive, grapefruit-sized vibrator that also gives you clairvoyant powers? I’m slightly confused, but that seems to be par for the course for these products. And while this sucker claims to be a “psychic stimulator,” the description doesn’t mention anything about reading people’s minds and seeing into their souls—the basic things I look for in all my psychic stimulators. Sure, it claims that it gives off “a warm glow” and “sensuous pleasure,” and I’m down for that, but neither is going to make me the next Long Island Medium. Don’t get me wrong—I like to feel warm and fuzzy. But in order to do that, I’m going to have to carry this giant orb around all day? And if that’s the case, can I bring this through the scanners at the airport? Are the cashiers at Trader Joe’s going to be okay with this?

On second thought, this ball could be useful as some sort of tool to connect with your fellow man. Just whip it at someone’s head on the street, and when they catch it and begin to feel the waves of warmth radiate from within, instead of charging you with battery, they’ll hug you and ask you to spend the day with them, staring at clouds in the park. And if the guy in this ad’s photo is any indication of how this thing makes you feel, you’re in for a psychotic, falling-down-the-rabbit-hole kind of afternoon. But I will give them “mom points” for their cautionary warning: “Please be sensible with the pleasure ball while driving.” Aww, bless.