If toddlers made New Year's Resolutions

Posted by Jason Treuen at December 28 2017, 11:01am

We all know grown-ups love to make New Year’s resolutions, but what if toddlers did too? We observed our own and took an educated guess about their goals for 2018. Here's 10 resolutions they're probably making right now. Unfortunately for us, they’ll probably keep them too.

1. Redecorate the house

I really need to redo the floors with a few more coats of food thrown on them (a combo of Weet-bix and mushed-up ‘nana should do it). Also there’s hardly enough peas stuck between floorboards. Plus my bedroom walls are screaming for more stickers and the lounge room crayon mural won't finish itself. So much to do.

2. Travel more

Time to try this walking thing everyone keeps hassling me about. Although it's pretty sweet being carried everywhere – I feel like royalty! But no, 2018 is all about standing up for myself – that way, I can explore that cabinet with all the pretty bottles, finally reach the remote (and hide it) and rearrange the book shelf every night. Plus I will totally rule at Hide & Seek. Try and find me in K-Mart, guys!

3. Spend more time with family

By waking up early, dropping naps and staying up late. Quality time with the family is so important, don’t you think? More important than bedtime, “unwinding” (whatever that is!) or your silly show The Bachelor, mummy. That’s why I need some more water / milk / cuddles / stories because I want to be with you - always. See you at 5am.

4. Watch less TV

And WATCH MORE IPAD! TV's for babies. iPads have more buttons and flashing things and unlimited TV shows and oh look, I’m suddenly on Youtube watching funny cat videos and strangers unwrapping kids’ toys. SCREEN TIME IS SUPREME TIME! What do you mean you’re taking it off me! Don’t make me iMad!

5. Get sh!t done

Sure, nappies and their ability to catch your crap anytime are convenient, but I need a new look for 2018. Yep, time to ditch the toileting training wheels and be free… to poop in my pants instead. Can’t wait to see the parents’ face when I drop it like it’s hot in their favourite café, on the bus (LOL!) and in the queue at Australia Post. Woo wee, I think you’ll need an exorcist for that one, dad.

6. Work on my hissy fit-ness

Time to turn up my tantrum game. Things are just way too quiet and rational around here! Plus I think the folks are starting to decode my dummy spits and no one wants to be predictable. So 2018 is the year of more meltdowns more often for no reason. You give me toast with crusts – cry! You give me toast without crusts – cry! They'll drive them bonkers.

7. Learn a new language

Maybe the one my parents speak, maybe not. Pros: I can finally understand what they’re saying. Cons: I can finally understand what they’re saying. Or I could just look cute, pretend I don’t understand and listen in. Yeah, let’s do that.

8. Get a new hairstyle

Short back and sides is sooo last year. Must grow more hair first though.

9. Try a new diet

As in, one without those pesky vegetables. Yes I loved them before, but now they're way too colourful and ‘healthy’ for me - straight to the floor for you! Biege food is now my fave food - get me some chips with pasta on it, and make sure it’s covered in tomato sauce. Oh, and how about some cake, and iceblocks, and jelly, and those lollies I tried at that party that one time. This year I want ‘sometime’ foods all the time!

10. Drink less

Breast milk, that is. It’s yummy but mummy seems less keen since I pulled her top down at that wedding and helped myself. Whatever. It’s time to hit the bottle and try more moo moo milk or bathwater or the dog’s water or that fizzy stuff Granny gave me on my birthday as a special treat. That stuff made me fart and burp at the same time – it’s AMAZING.