George Bush has won the right to call himself the best Ping-Pong player in the White House by defeating Dick Cheney in the final game of a best-of-seven match. Bush won the lopsided contest four games to none.

Seasoned White House observers said privately that there was no way Cheney, a tenacious, crafty and deeply unscrupulous table tennis player, could have lost by such a one-sided score unless he did it on purpose, sort of the way the Supreme Court let Bush become president.

Until yesterday Cheney was the undisputed White House Ping-Pong champ, having wrested the title from Donald Rumsfeld three years ago in a desperate contest that went on all night and nearly cost Cheney his life. It came out at the time that Rumsfeld had tried to bite off Cheney's head as they were switching table positions late in the match. Cheney appeared to suffer a heart attack and survived only by falling to the ground and pretending to be dead. The match was eventually awarded posthumously to Cheney after Rumsfeld refused to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Only later, after Rumsfeld had left the scene, did Cheney open his eyes and indulge himself in one of his famous snarly grins.

During yesterday's match, Bush, who may or may not be the rightful president of the United States, tried to make light of his skills as a table tennis player. "I don't know how I managed to beat Dick. He's much better than I am. Smarter, too. I think he let me win because I'm the president. Thing is, I'm not sure I am the president."

Bush's remarks were probably less coy than it seemed, for it is well-known that Cheney cannot be beaten at Ping-Pong, or any other game, except by means more foul than fair. To beat him you have to play his game, only better, or perhaps worse. The same was once true of Rumsfeld and also Karl Rove before they faded into the woodwork. Actually, Rove, who is said to be the best Ping-Pong player of them all, didn't have to fade into the woodwork because he never came out of it. Rumsfeld, on the other hand, never much of a woodworker, didn't fade at all, but went directly from his bullying mismanagement of the war in Iraq to the speakers' circuit, where he will explain, for a fee, how hard it is for a can-do guy to get the job done in a world full of mealy-mouthed defeatists who insist on painting gray what is so obviously black and white.

Bush, who in his natural modesty tends to shun superlatives, said that he was not really the best of anything, and almost certainly not the best Ping-Pong player in the White House. Of course, the Man Who Was Almost Elected President Twice probably doesn't understand that "worst" is also a superlative and one from which he need not shy.

Meanwhile, as the White House Ping-Pong tourney was rushing toward a climax, the No Politician Left Behind Electoral Jamboree welcomed Fred Thompson to its swollen ranks. Thompson, a sometime actor and former Republican senator from Tennessee, is a latecomer in the race for the Republican presidential nomination. At least a hundred would-be el jefÃƒâ€¦Ã‚Â½s from all over the political spectrum have been yelling at us for what seems like years about why they should have the top job.

Thompson, who if nothing else is the tallest candidate, had an opportunity to distinguish himself by appearing to be above it all as the others talked themselves into oblivion. But he's already blown that chance; he's out there stabbing the air for emphasis and having breakfast with retirees at the local diner just like everybody else. Those small-town Iowa diners are so full of presidential candidates these days it's a wonder that any of the locals can get through the door for a jellied doughnut and a cup of coffee.

Although it seems as though the presidential campaign should be over by now, the election is still more than a year off, plenty of time for the candidates to figure out where they stand on all sorts of issues. And plenty of time to learn how to play winning Ping-Pong.