Monday, July 17, 2017

Hello, everyone! Apologies for being gone for so long as I haven't been writing as much these last couple of months and even if I do write, it's poetry and I mostly given those to the people I wrote it for.

Anyway, last weekend friends of mine and I made some vlog to be submitted to a competition (but its in Bahasa) so here you go if you want to check them out but before you do, apologies first hand if my voice or face annoys you (lol):

Friday, June 16, 2017

Sometimes you don't really get what you want but what you need. You keep on wishing for things to turn out as you wanted it. The plot twist to your story is not you never wanted it in the first place or you don't get it (as expected) but it is that your wishes came true.

After so many years of heartaches and after so long going through so many hardships, I have finally found someone who helped me heal without even lifting a finger. Having him around, helped me heal in a way I wasn't able to do on my own. His presence gave me many things and he doesn't even know or even realised it. But I always knew that there is something about him; there is a part of him that gave me tranquility, but there is also a part of me that made me unable to fully trust him. The consistency of his action when it comes to love made me doubt him. The consistency in its pattern when it comes to love made me doubt us.

I never really said this out loud. I don't want to. I want to be able to trust him completely, with no doubt. With no fear. But sometimes its a hard thing to do; I love him, but I wish I'm not filled with this much dread whenever I think about losing him, especially when we both know that I might have to leave.

But I wish I sometimes know how much love he feels for me. I sometimes wish that I know how many things and what are the things he conceal from me as he conceal so many things from everyone. He may not lie, but sometimes he doesn't tell the whole truth which never really sits well with me. Not only I value honesty so damn much, but I also practice them. So when I see someone as simply as not telling the whole truth and hiding things from someone, I see them just the same like those who lie, cheat and deceit on a daily basis. I want to know what fear he has, and all the fucked up things that has happened to him that lead him to become the person that he is.

The thought of not loving him would make things a whole lot easier, crossed my mind so many times a day.

The thought that he might love someone else as fast as he fell in love with me, crossed my mind so many times a day.

The thought that I'm nothing new, no one special as he found so many of "me" before he met me, crossed my mind so many times a day.

Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes, it only left me wondering whether this really is the right thing to do especially for myself. I no longer know which decision is simply me being destructive; leaving him or loving him till this ends. Either way it will hurt like a son of a bitch, that I'm sure of. There are bits and pieces from here and there that actually makes a lot of sense, that actually makes it clear on what I should do but I guess the heart wants what it wants and this time, it wins while logic lose.

I said that I wanted to do this without any safety net, but it gets harder and harder to do especially when he doesn't even trust me. I understand his logic and his way of living, yet its not the easiest logic to grasp on. And just because I understand, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Funny how you're the one with trust issues and yet here I am, unable to trust you fully. I might let you in, into the obscure part of me, but doesn't mean I trust you with my life. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I really don't know at this point. I see things clearer yet not at the same time. Loving him calms my soul but the uncertainty of how things might end scares me to death.

Anyway, I've been writing and talking too much Bahasa Indonesia that I think I'm making zero sense when I talk or write in english so I might write again soon.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

It's easier to live profoundly through words; writing all of your thoughts down is easier than talking about them. From one pain to the next, from one struggle to the next. I honestly don't know when everything inside get so damaged. There are good days when the healing process is going well, then there are bad days when the process is going rather slow, but then there are also those days where everything is just too much and the energy inside felt like it had been drained, all I wanted to do is simply give up and let the dark things win.

But then fate brought us together and it is as if being given a gift of a bright sunlight that illuminates the empty, broken spaces in me. You came with a pure intention, that you feels too much like a breath of fresh air in the midst of dawn.

Sweet words sometimes means nothing, but know that everything that I say came from the bottom of my heart. Yet there are still so many things that I haven't told you, so many things that I wish I could tell you. I appreciate the fact that you can talk openly about so many things to me. I appreciate the fact that you'd took the time to reassure me about myself, yourself, and about us. I appreciate the fact that you don't follow the social norms where we dance through some bullshit games. I understand that this might not be a new thing to you, I understand that it might not be the kind of special thing that feels like magic, but it is for me. But I'm sorry I couldn't give you much. I'm sorry that I'm carrying too much baggage. But thank you for always being a wonderfully kind, and patience person. Thank you for being so understanding and I appreciate the fact that you always listens to my obscure rant when you can easily ignored it. I know 'love' might be a strong word, and we can get so scared sometimes to use it especially when everything has only just begun, but I just need you to know that I appreciate the fact that you took the time to make me feel loved and reminding me that I am surrounded by so many good people with so many good love. I feel genuinely happy the fact that you're not easily scared by 'too much' emotions that I say and give out.

I understand that things might get difficult but at this point I've felt enough heartache in my very short existence so I don't really care what people are gonna say but I only hope that we're gonna help each other out if things are getting out of control. To preserve the good things, and what we have left within.

I know that there might be things that you still don't understand, and I promise I'll try to let you in little by little into this obscure mind of mine, even into the ugliest part of my past if you want and need to. I too will try to understand yours. I hope you never get tired of me, or sick of me. I am also writing this as a reminder if I ever get distant, it simply means I need to be alone with my own mind to figure things out as emotions can be overwhelming but it doesn't mean I want you gone, because you always put a smile on my face.

I also wanted to say thank you, for always bringing those light within you and shinning it out for everyone around you and for me. I am learning everyday to be more stable. I am learning everyday letting people—most importantly, you—in. I am learning everyday to communicate better, whether it is through writings or a face-to-face talk. I am learning everyday to trust: to let go of my fear and letting my guard down whilst also preserving what I have left and protecting myself (and yours). I am learning everyday not doing everything by myself. I am learning to be better. I am also trying to learn everything about you. I am also trying to learn to understand you. Trying is the least I can do.

Whilst you always tries to understand, I can only promise you that I will always try to learn new things everyday, so be patience with me as that is honestly the only few things on my (sort of) demand.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Eighteen, with one imperious and selfish soul. What am I doing here?Why am I still here?Can we stop? Because I don't need anybody's pity, (Stop the one i'm throwing myself)But I'm out of my mind,Looking, with flinty stare, for magic In this fucking cruel world.Because when you smile, your eyes shineAnd my God how I want to scream And tell the whole goddamn world how beautiful you areAnd my God, I want you to kiss me.So tear the wall around me apart,Tear me into piece,Fill me with your lies,Abandon me,Because that is all you do. Because that is all everyone do.So put your lips on mine,Feel me slip away,Watch me break apart,Watch me bleed,Watch me waste away,Watch me floats away, As I wish you to surrender, As I wish you to break free,As I wish you to stay,As I wish you to want me to stay,As I wish you to let me in,As I wish you to keep us safe. But the hell with you. The hell with love.I want to set love on fire.I want to set romance on fire. I want to set us on fire. 2am and I'm still wide awakeWriting about you,Waiting in vain,So,Go on, Leave.Leave before you're ever here. Go on,Watch me crumble,Go on,Grab a piece of me,You fucking bastard.Go on, Kiss me and disappear,You fucking hypocrites.Go on,Leave;I'm shutting my heart down.—C.L.