Project U. Blog

It is a quiet, rainy Saturday morning in Boston after a surreal week of explosions, lock downs and manhunts. In just a few short days, we have mourned the loss of innocence on what started as a celebratory day, grieved the senseless suffering of those killed and wounded in vicious violence and started taking steps to closure by capturing the perpetrators, so we can ask, “Why?”

Meanwhile, having spent a day alone in my home, (asked by authorities not to venture outside), I had time to wonder, “How can I protect myself and the people I love from this kind of pain and suffering in the future?”

Sadly, I cannot. And I also will not live in constant fear and anger. What kind of life would that be?

So what is the answer? How can we feel safe and happy when there is no guarantee against affliction, danger, illness, financial ruin, betrayal and unkindness?

I knew that I had found my truth when my answer resulted in a sense of overwhelming calm and safety: I can be a peaceful warrior in my own life. I can trust that whatever comes my way, (and something usually does) I can handle it. I will find the strength and the help I need to carry-on. I will do the best I can. Maybe it won’t be what I hoped for, but it will be enough.

To that end, it occurred to me that feeling capable was only the first step. If I want to increase the likelihood of triumph, I would have to prepare. Just like an athlete, a warrior must train to be battle-ready. So I developed a plan. I call it:

“WILL OF THE WARRIOR”

I will honor my physical body by eating well, resting, getting exercise and making good decisions about what I do with it and where I put it.

I will feel my emotions and release them. I will not necessarily act on every one, but will use them as information to help me understand what I want and what I need, seeking productive ways to communicate clearly and interact with others.

I will consider other’s needs as no more or no less important than my own when creating solutions to shared problems.

I will take responsibility for my own life and not try to run the lives of others, or to manipulate outcomes.

I will do my best to bring my best to every situation.

I will live honestly and with integrity.

I will keep my promises and not make promises that I know I can’t keep.

I will take responsibility and seek to make amends when I make a mistake or commit a wrong-doing.

I will treat myself and others with kindness and respect. I will do this even if they do not reciprocate, simply because that is how I want to be in the world.

I will focus on what I have, not what I don’t have. I will take time to be grateful every day for the love, the beauty and the freedom that is available to me in my life.

I will seek to clarify, understand, and avoid judging myself and others, and in so-doing, eliminate the habit of blaming, labeling or shaming myself and others.

I will seek to live in this moment and not dwell in the past, which is done, nor in the future, which is yet to come.

I will do my share to help others to learn the joy and challenge of taking care of themselves and managing their own lives.

I will take right action and give up my attachment to outcome.

I will do my best to cultivate love and kindness toward myself and others, and when I feel I cannot, I will ask myself, why not?

Early in my career, one of my bosses said, “Remember Catherine, the people you work with are not your friends.” The irony of that is that she and I have been close friends for almost 20 years now! And, although you can and will make great friendships at work, I have come to better understand the wisdom of her words over the years.

As we all know, much of our life is spent at work. So, if we can’t be friendly with our coworkers, life could get pretty dull. Not only that, but getting things done at work often requires teamwork. So, how to relate with coworkers on a personal basis takes some thought. After all, at work, others judge your performance. You are paid to support the organization and its success, not to build a network of friends. Luckily, one often can do both. From your employer’s perspective, you are being assessed on your ability to improve results and get along with others. So how can you enjoy friendships and still maintain a professional demeanor?

Remember, at work, its business first. While you want to enjoy your coworkers, each of you has a work agenda and you may not always agree. Often, it’s not a problem when you and your coworker’s agendas match up, but inevitably, your agenda will be at cross-purposes with someone else’s at the workplace. It may not always be fair or fun, but in life, that’s how it goes.

So, here are some tips for navigating the world of workplace friendships. (I’ve included some ideas from a blog post by career expert Heather R. Huhman on Glassdoor.com since her article inspired me to write on this topic. Check it out!)

Strive to work well with others: Treat people with respect, negotiate in good faith, deliver on your promises and avoid surprises. In short, act with integrity. It engenders trust. Feel free to share some laughs, but don’t forget why you are at work. This is business and today’s ally may be tomorrow’s competitor.

Remain appropriate and professional. Be mindful of what you share about your personal life with your co-workers. There is a reason that the expression “TMI”, (aka “too much information”) was invented. Are you sharing something about yourself that a coworker really needs to know? Will it make their day or their workweek better and/or improve your working relationship? If not, you may want to keep it to yourself.

Get your work done and do it well. Remember why you were hired. You have deadlines for a reason, so don’t get distracted and spend all your productive hours socializing.

Watch your language. Don’t gossip and speak badly about other workers. Keep conversations positive to help boost workplace morale. This guideline may also limit your downside when and if your coworker is not as resistant to spreading gossip as you are.

Set boundaries in direct reporting relationships. A friendship with your boss or your subordinate can be warm and fun, as long as it is respectful and appropriate. Remember, at some point, you will have either to receive or give a performance evaluation. Don’t set yourself up for an uncomfortable situation.

Be a good communicator. Many conflicts arise because of poor communication.We all want to believe we will never be involved in a workplace conflict, but that’s not realistic. When conflicts arise, handle them maturely. Focus on issues and behaviors and don’t get personal. Use effective communication tools and do your best to work things out. Consider the long-term results of any disagreement. You probably don’t want to ruin a friendship, a good working relationship or get yourself fired.

Have lunch together. Having lunch with coworkers allows you time to be more personal without compromising productivity. From time to time, dinner may also be appropriate; however, I believe that any after hour meeting are optional. Use your best judgment as to how much time you want to spend with coworkers outside of the office - that time is yours.