OCONOMOWOC, Wisconsin (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case.

De Jesus, 61, grew up poor in Puerto Rico. He says he served stints in prison there for petty theft and says he was a heroin addict.

Hmm, well the real Jesus had his run-ins with the law too. Other than that, he seems way too cool to be Jesus, as seen here:

Followers have protested Christian churches in Miami and Latin America, disrupting services and smashing crosses and statues of Jesus.

and here:

He says he has a church-paid salary of $136,000 but lives more lavishly than that. During an interview, he showed off a diamond-encrusted Rolex to a CNN crew and said he has three just like them. He travels in armored Lexuses and BMWs, he says, for his safety. All are gifts from his devoted followers.

So, he bilks dumbass christians out of diamond encrusted rolexes and armored lexuses while convincing them to protest churches and smash crosses and statues of Jesus. And he has a 666 tattoo! This guy is a fucken genius!

The only proper way to deal with this fiasco: Rick's Cabaret in Houston should buy her corpse, take her to a taxidermist and have her stuffed, then put her on display so she can still show off her junk, and take the patrons dollar bills. She should also be licensed to the Realdoll company, to continue her affairs with these class A gentlemen she's been with throughout the years.

I have to admit it. I love the cock. Big juicy meaty cock, small skinny scabby dick - I've eaten it all with a smile on my face.

Some misguided zealots will claim that I do in fact NOT suck the cock. Not the truth. Just ask my Dad. I'll never forget the day he and that old festering cunt fart of a holy ghost told me to go get nailed. How was I to know it was meant to be onto a chunk of 4x4 and not in the ass by all of my disciples?

And don't get me started on my mother. The whole "immaculate conception" thing was a crock of shit. Her vagina gaped so wide and dad had such a small cock he didn't touch the sides. And that "man made in his image" bullshit - well it's only 100% true for those tiny dicked slanty eyed motherfuckers over in Asia. Fuck I hate gooks.

Darwin was voted to return to the textbooks again, along with the removal of Intelligent Design. The 6-4 vote against ID by the Kansas School board shows the Flying Spaghetti Monster probably isn't done with this state, and will attempt to recruit more of the fundamental christians for his noodle like cause.