Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Since I made my tough announcement last week, I’ve had a lot of kind messages from friends and strangers.

Are you OK? Are you taking care of yourself?

At first, this seemed like an intensely personal question. Then I realized most people have a different definition of “taking care of yourself” than I do.

At any rate, the answer is yes. I’m aware that all isn’t right with my world, so I’ve been taking extra steps to give myself reasons to smile.

Getting dressed

There are perks to walking around unclothed all day, not the least of which is not having to unbutton your pants when you’ve eaten too much ice cream. But when I’m feeling glum, lounging around in filthy yoga pants makes me feel like a slob. A glum slob. It’s amazing how much it can lift my mood to put on a cute outfit (complete with matching bra and underwear) and slather on a little makeup. Shallow? Perhaps. But it saves me a lot of awkward moments with the UPS man.

Fresh flowers

I started this habit several years ago when I was working from home and noticed how often I make the circuit between my desk and the kitchen. Then I noticed how much more I enjoyed the trip when I saw a vase of fresh flowers on the table each time I passed. I started buying inexpensive little bundles of them in the winter, or in summer months, picking my own from the yard. It’s such a simple thing – $1.29 for a bunch of daffodils from Trader Joes – but having fresh flowers in my life does wonders to perk me up.

Laughter

I have my go-to websites that are guaranteed to make me laugh in 30 seconds or less. Damnyouautocorrect is my favorite, but Allie Brosh’s Hyperbole and a Half is a close second. Cracking myself up is the single best favor I can do for myself, so I try to do it often.

New bedding

Being in bed makes me happy even when there’s nothing risqué happening there. Being in bed with pretty sheets and a cozy down comforter makes me even happier. I have a knack for finding good deals on bedding, and I can mix and match and add different pieces for a whole new look. This past weekend, I scored a great deal on some high thread count sheets in a bright grass green. Paired with a blue and white duvet cover I already owned and some aqua pillowcases, the whole ensemble looks bright and springy. I keep wandering upstairs to admire it, and the only thing that could improve my mood more would be discovering a hot, shirtless man lying there doing my taxes.

What do you do to take care of yourself? Er, we’re going with the common definition here, not the pervert one. Please share!

36 comments
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First, I have to say you are hilarious! I just discovered your blog and added you to mine. You are so down-to-earth. Thanks for sharing this personal part of your life. I have never been divorced before, but I imagine it's like breaking up with a boyfriend times a thousand. But, to answer your question regarding what we do to make ourselves feel better the undirty way, I get a massage. (There is a guy in our town who only charges $35/hour!) I also try to get my hair cut and colored. It makes me feel like an entirely new woman. Thanks again for sharing and can't wait to read your books! :)

Getting dress sounds so simple, doesn't it?? But if you're anything like me and stay home to write...um, what's the point of getting dressed?? Lots. I find when I don't get ready for the day, I feel tired and a bit lazy. Duds are a must!

Exercise is another 'take care' method of mine. As much as it does for me physically, the more it does for me mentally.

Fresh flowers on the table ranks high for me as well (our Farmer's Market puts together beautiful bouquets for cheap).

In the 2 1/2 years I lived alone with a preschooler, one of the things I did to be kind to myself was splurge on a good bottle of wine and cook myself something delicious. Food generally makes me happy. :)

A deep steamy bubble bath, scented candle, tall glass of wine, and a good book usually do the trick for me.

Eating well, too. It's so easy to bypass fixing yourself a decent meal, isn't it? Why bother going to all that trouble when you could just as well grab a quick bowl of cereal or snag a cold piece of pizza from the fridge, right? Wrong. Treat yourself like company. Don't have to make a five course meal, but eat at regular times, on real dishes, with real veggies ... and of course, a glass of wine.

Feel like I'm intruding as I'm stumbling upon your blog when you are going through - and sharing - such a personal experience. Different things work for different folks at different phases, but if you don't mind me saying ... I love your approach. It comes from a place of healing and not wallowing (which we are certainly entitled to sometimes). As for what makes me feel good? Exercise, drinks with friends, and - hell yes, new bedding! Brava!

Running through Wal Mart and taking stuff out of people's carts and putting it in other people's carts can be fun AND adrenaline-boosting. Watching the little nun go through the check out line and discovering an economy-sized KY product? Priceless.

I've never actually done that, but doesn't it sound great? What I actually do when the committee in my head starts dogging me is to do something nice for someone else (It's a bonus when I try to pretend I am doing this anonymously and someone sees me).

Fresh clothes and makeup -- you betcha! Although I have to confess to having forked out for permanent, read "tattoo'd on" makeup (eyeliner, brows and lipliner), so I literally get out of bed each day (cranky or not) looking about as good as I can (once the sleep wrinkles smoothe themselves out, natch).

My bed is my CASTLE (with or without the funny business). I have a super thick down duvet, with a fuzzy flannel cover. Our bedrooms is under the eaves, with french doors looking out to the east and I get to look at the ruins of an 11th century castle and the vineyard that makes our white wine). My desk is in there, as well as two leather chairs, and it is sooooooo cozy. I more or less live in there. Husband and son know where to find me, curled up with a good book.

Of course, a hot bath with lavender oil in it is sooper-dooper. And, as I recall, you have got the coooooolest tub (which I don't and I envy, but not enough to trade you the view of the Rhine with the castle...)

Chocolate, of course, always there (hence the name).

And shrimp, I pig out on chilled shrimp when I'm feeling blue or under pressure...

Just keep up the good work -- and remember we're all in there pulling for you!!!!

OMG, I LOVE this post and completely 100% agree with all of your strategies.

For anyone reading this who wants to have a delicious bed, make sure you get a lovely down (or faux down, but a good one) comforter and one of those mattress pads with all the fuzzy fluff. Then clean all your sheets and take a shower right before bed. Shave your legs and wear something cute as PJs. Take a good book to bed with you and VOILA! The world is a happy place and you control your destiny.

I also find that a walk is an amazing mood booster--fresh air, even if it is raining or cold out, is medicinal.

Finally, I buy expensive food. Eating a Twinkie (or a box of them) will quickly make you feel like a cow. But eating very fancy chocolate or an organic avocado or gourmet ice cream is a sensory treat and makes me feel like a sophisticated woman instead of a broken hearted teen.

That's one of the ways I cheer myself up in the late winter/early spring ;-)

I've found that how I best define "taking care" of myself has evolved over the years from 'pint of Haagen-Dazs + a Highland romance + bubble bath' to 'drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, and remember to laugh' - you're already in great shape, so as long as you're sleeping and keeping your sense of humor, I'd say wallow however pleases you when you feel the need to do so. It's part of the process, so might as well embrace it.

I love the fresh flowers idea...my 6-yo son brings me home a single rose sometimes and it makes my whole week!

For me, my dogs and my kids are instant mood lifters (unless the kids are fighting or the dogs vomited on the carpet). But usually, after a few minutes playing with them--the other stuff doesn't seem so important.

Fresh flowers sound like a great idea. Unfortunately my three cats would just nibble on them and make themselves sick, probably on the fresh sheets on the bed. Lovely little fuzzies they are. I commend your kitties for having common sense. :)

For me, I try a new restaurant. Doesn't have to be fancy or anything, just new and (maybe) different.

Fabulous post, my friend. Facials, manis, and pedis make me feel wonderful. I love the flower idea, but my feline captors would eat them. Once I move into my new place and am in a fur-free environment, I plan to put that idea into action. And, taking a nice, long, hot shower is a great treat. We writers can be quite the mess.

But, nothing beats great music and laughter. Well, almost nothing, but you asked us not to go there..

If the day is going like crud I say to hell with work and curl up on my bed and read till I fall asleep. When deadlines don't allow for that, I watch Korean Soap Operas. They're so crazy with impossible story lines I usually feel better about myself after one episode.

After my divorce from Asshat #1 - I moved into a house that needed a little remodeling...using a sledgehammer made me feel really - really good. The final product was a sense of accomplishment and my new surroundings were literally all mine. I did it...without the asshat controlling every aspect of it. it was mine...all mine.

Then I did all of the things I couldn't do while married. I enjoyed every aspect of my single life, including not having pee drips around the toilet, smaller loads of laundry and even leftovers. I watched chick flick after chick flick...because I could. I danced wildly to loud music with and without my kids. I ate ice cream out of the container and left the mail on the counter (something I would have been punished for by ASSHAT #1.)

Healing takes 1 day at a time, and everyone does it differently.

After a few bad post-divorce relationships, I declared to my father that I was going to become a lesbian... "Just as long as you find someone cute..." was his answer.(Love my dad!) Two days later I met my current husband...so who knows.

Ice cream, chocolate, alcohol and exercise seem to be common themes for endorphin flooding results. Only you know what makes you happy.

Flowers are nice. Chocolate is great. And since we're not talking about any other definition - I won't bring up acquiring a 20-something boy toy... oh wait..

I do the flower thing, too. And the get-dressed thing.I also will reread one of my two favorite perk-me-up Jenny Crusie books: Maybe This Time or Agnes and the Hitman. They both restore my happiness every time I read them.

Danielle, thanks so much! Great idea on the massage. Our beauty school in town charges $20 for a facial that lasts over an hour and makes me feel sooooo relaxed!

Salarsen, good point re: exercise. I'm always amazed at how a good walk with the dog can really clear my head.

Andrea, you definitely deserve it, right?

Penelope, the good wine is a nice splurge, as long as you don't end up chugging the whole bottle!

Susan, excellent ideas on the bubble bath and good meals!

Rick, thank you. You made me smile and get teary-eyed at the same time. Turn me on, and you'll have a winning combination there.

Sarah, great point about the music and the walking. Can't wait for warmer weather around here so the walking becomes more pleasant.

Valerie, thanks! Having such a supportive community of blog friends around me has helped tremendously!

Teri Anne, that reminds me of something I always wanted to do but never dared....Always thought it would be fun to hang out at the arrivals gate at the airport and just start hugging strangers at random.

Ang, I try to do the same thing! Bigger bunch of flowers on the table, but a little sprig or two on my desk. I also keep a big basil plan on my desk. Smells heavenly, and looks pretty when I remember to water it.

German Chocolate Betty, can I come live with you?

Alexa, fabulous, FABULOUS point about the food. I do the same thin, but had never thought of it in terms of a "sensory treat." I'd never sit & pig out on quart of regular ice cream, but a decadent little serving of something expensive and imported makes me feel like I'm treating myself.

Girl Friday, I've never been much of a dancer, but I might have to try it!

inkgrrl, do you get inexpensive daffodils this time of year? It's one of my favorite things about Trader Joes each spring. Next up = tulips!

Kristi, I grow tons of wildflowers in my yard, so when warmer weather hits, I'll have an endless supply of fresh flowers.

Michelle, I desperately need a massage. Might have to splurge pretty soon!

Taking care of me means not worrying about taking care of everyone else. (my kids are grown). And by not taking care of, I mean, not worrying or trying to fix things. I just breathe in nature and relax.

I do many of the same things suggested above, so I almost decided not to add. However, I thought I'd add my 2 cents anyway... just in case.

Treating myself nicely includes accessorizing. Never forget the earrings.

I love massages and such, but if I'm feeling broke, a homemade pedicure works just fine. Something about aggressively red toenail polish is uplifting. I call them 'harlot toes' and wear them all summer long.

The best things is to just let yourself feel how you feel without guilt. If it's a sad day, it's okay to wallow. If you're feeling frisky, don't feel guilty. If you want to pretend you're someone else for a day, go for it. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but sooooo worth it. I still sometime lie by omission about my kids.

In case you're curious, I blogged about my experience of loss (which is different, but all grief sucks) on my site. Feel free to drop on by: www.annebakerbooks.com/blog (cue shameless pimping)