T.Notes...

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Someday i will look into the mirror and if i would dare to be honest, not recognize the person staring back at me anymore. It is painful to admit.

In a rare moment of total clarity, I'm acknowledging that there is a very wide gap between the person I perceive myself to be and the real person that I am when the curtains are drawn. There is no flowery symbolism here, only pure truth.

It's hard to acknowledge that in the past year I have widened that gap with my vices, addictions and happy-clappy-religious sentiments. All the while maintaining my well crafted mask of decency. At the end of the day, who am i deceiving.

They say money brings out the worst in men - it is true. It's a subtle transformation that you barely realize whilst it's happening. When you have less concerns, you naturally have more time and resources to chase the wind and fulfil idle fantasies.

It's a common sense truth. What will shock you is how your self righteousness convinced you blindly that such daftness could never happen to you. It has happened to me, it will happen to you, there is nothing new under the sun. I pray you get all you hope for.

An old prayer sliced through my heart today; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord ?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor your name. But dare we utter such madness knowing where we have come from?

I hope you do not get this wrong and lament how he has descended into utter foolishness. That is not the point. On one hand, you might say nothing has changed - infact these days have refined me. I am smarter, sharper, more discerning than ever. But therein also lies my own archille's heel. Details never helped anybody. But if you seek not just to be entertained, my life has always been an open book to strangers.

So here I stand in this place littered with all the words that have in the past, been carefully crafted with hidden symbolism. Known to only me and few how each single word on here holds a fragment of the real person that I am. Surrounded on here by strangers, friends and foes, pick your side - break me or mend me! Pick a side!

They say the first step to fixing a problem is identifying the source of the leakage, being totally honest with yourself and cutting the BS. This is my first step and I'd be a fool to let anyone convince me again with vain platitudes. "You're being too hard on yourself. We're only human". I know better. I can do better. #%$*, help me do better.

I recently read Rachel Moran's journey through prostitution in the book 'paid for'. One thing that struck me is how she realized that if she didn't get up and fight for her own soul today, she'd be doomed to never leave her current life of depravity. So I ask myself, If I continued on my present path, where does this road lead to?

This is where life traps us so perfectly. The thing about idle indulgences is how these habits form, trap the unknowing and slowly change us - redefining every fancy conviction you once held on to. There are very few things that will damn you instantly. It's the subtle transformations that kill us all.

I used to look to mainstream Christianity for answers but I feel it's all been sadly bastardised. We want for convenient gods to fit our own personal agendas and propaganda. So I'm desperately turning back the old pages in these rare moments of utter clarity, searching for truth that isn't just mainstream motivational garbage.

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and loose his soul? Mind the gap, Tee. Today you dance dangerously close to the edge.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

I have come to appreciate -
sadly out of first hand experience
that one reason why some slowly drift away
and eventually abandon every inclination to religious faith,
is the persistent failure to 'get your shit together' - despite every best effort.

Some words are easy to pen down -
such as these ones.
But the reality of such experiences are long, hard and desperate struggles to get a grip of your own archilles heels.

So people drift....and drift....bobbing further away from innocence until eventually the idea of giving up makes perfect sense.
The sexually astute amongst us number in these category.

And the frightening fact is that,
if we were to account for righteousness by how hard each one fought to attain or maintain it,
then all of heaven would belong to these rejects.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

I finally got my own window office with skyline City view, a fancy title and a new reality that feels awkward to walk in - mostly because they told us we would never get this far. The narrative i've always known and accepted is the one of unrelenting struggles in undignified uniforms armed with a pungent toilet brush. My point is, that view is a one sided story and maybe it's worthwhile sharing the other narrative seeing as i have no identity to make boast for.

Last week we had a celebratory party with like minded young Africans living and thriving abroad and pondered if we were just lucky or if there is a worthwhile generic formular for the successful migrant. Ofcourse my defination of success may well differ from yours, but here a few notes from our arguments.

1.What's going on here?
Start with a honest appraisal of your own situation. If you honestly feel like your life is going nowhere, it's worthwhile considering trying your luck outside of your home country. Immigration is not a new or even noble idea. Americans, Jews, Indians, Pakistanis all have had histories of migration. The important detail if you choose to relocate is to do it legitimately - which ofcourse is the first and possibly toughest bridge to cross. Ultimately you're looking for a valid work visa and there are various ardous (but not impossible) routes to achieve this. Don't however put your life on hold - carry on with life's hustle and burn the night candles doing your research. I always say it's not a do or die affair but if it works out - game on.

2. Get a degree and then some
The competitive advantage of foreigners in the West still lies in educational degrees. We haven't come far at all from the storyline of hidden figures. Indians thrive in IT because they understand and hold appropriate qualifications. Nigerians thrive in banks and project management because we typically own a hustle mindset, our motivations are never far from money and our qualifications often revolve around accounting, finance and law. There are indeed people who follow the unconventional route but in my opinion, if you're making such a massive decision, you're better off taking the road more often travelled then hoping to become Jidenna. I'm aware that i may be biased in my opinion here because this is the circle of people i know.

3. On a wing and a prayer
My faith these days is in tender pieces but i cannot deny the providence involved in the various ascents that have led to this place. It is not rocket science that the odds will always be stacked against you. What are the odds that your applications will be approved, or that you'll get an executive job interviewing by a closet racist? What are the odds that you'll ever in your wildest dreams buy a house in new jersey....and the list goes on - all against the backdrop of a worsening national identity. The detail here is not in holding faith to get stuff but in getting stuff because you have faith.

4. Getting that job.
........

I'll continue this later if it is useful to anybody. If you do have any questions, give a shout in the comments.

Disclaimer: I do not have it all figured out. Life and success is like the wind - here today and a downturn guzzles it all away tomorrow. So these notes only relate to my journeys and understandings so far.

Monday, April 17, 2017

I used to memorise fine lines of Scripture until i met you
Now even in my sleep i recite every fine contour of your cursed curves.
I used to believe in the hands of 23 and 91 - mighty to save
Now after bloodied hands mangled in good bye tears, I'm numbed like silenced heart monitors and incomplete blog posts.
So this is where grace falls apart?

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Probably the most troubling thing (for me) about living in the West, is the simple fact that every imaginable desire is within reach - with a price tag. So, as far as your mind can imagine, you can have it - literally knocking on your door by evening.