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Author
Topic: found out im poz on sept 24 2009 (Read 4289 times)

so far ive told my mom, my former partner and my two best friends, all have been pretty supportive. im afraid my mom will tell everyone else in my family though, and even though i dont do drugs and am straight im sure theyll think the opposite of me. i was already the black sheep to begin with.

ive been crying on and off most of the time, i suppose it depends on if im thinking about it at the time or not. my best friend has said she'll go with me to my appts and whenever i need to get my labwork done.

im just so confused now. everything that seemed important to me doesnt seem to matter anymore. all i want to do now is drive around on an endless roadtrip and do as much as i can. to think ive wasted the past 14 years of my life just buying toys and dvds that you dont get to take with you.

i know theres a lot of progress thats been made and that my chances of living longers are higher now than they used to be, but its still hard to shake the doom and gloom feelings sometimes.

my former partner is waiting for her results and has so far been pretty negative about everything, just going on and on about death. when i try to hang out with my best friends she just gives me a guilt trip and tells me i should be spending time with her if i want to be consoled.

i found this place on google and thought i would join up and see if anyone out there is someone i can talk to or connect with, and maybe see if i can get pointed in the right direction on what to do next.

im waiting to hear back from the infectious disease dr. for an appt. to get my first consult and labs done so i dont know any of my counts yet. im supposed to meet up with someone from social services sometime this week to get pointed in some direction as far as getting help financially with all the medical expenses im going to be dealing with now.

im trying to stay upbeat about all of this but i think a lot of it is just me being a little bit in denial still.

Sorry to hear your news - but I must ask, has your positive antibody test been confirmed with a Western Blot? You need to know that false positive results can and do happen on the antibody tests and so it must be confirmed with further testing. Can you clarify? And if you want to know more about the various diagnostic tests, please click here.

I'm sure you'll find someone you can talk to here. We're like one big family and how you identify sexually doesn't really matter.

The first few months following diagnosis is a rollercoaster of emotions. We've all been there. It's true that with the new meds, someone diagnosed today stands a very good chance of living out a natural life-span. It's a rocky road, but put on your metaphorical hiking boots and you'll do just fine.

What to do next? It sounds like you've already got what you need to do in motion - the appointments etc. Until you get your numbers, it's going to be a waiting game. Other than that, do what you would normally do. Getting back into your usual routine helps. You're the same person you were the day before diagnosis.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I'm glad to hear the doctor ordered the additional tests before informing you. You'd be surprised at how many don't. It sounds to me like you had some non-reactive bands on your WB, but enough to conclude a positive diagnosis.

While it sucks that you're poz, look for the silver lining. Many straight men and women don't find out until they're very sick with an OI (opportunistic infection). It sounds like you've caught this in time.

When does your ex-partner get her results? I think maybe she's really looking for consolation from you while she waits, rather than the other way around. Maybe you could direct her to this forum in the meantime. Should she prove to be positive, she'll find a community of women here who are second to none.

I like your avatar. That's a ciggy I'm holding in mine. Most people think it's a pen.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

yeah i get tested once a year at least, i think thats why i caught it so quick.

only the first band in my wb was nonreactive, all the others were reactive.

i figure shes wanted me to consol her. the only reason its kinda tough to not turn to my friends is becasue theyre much better at consoling me than she is, and they arent being all doom and gloom about it to me. im trying to help my ex keep a positive attitude about everything though. she should get her results back in about a week.

glad you like my avatar ^_^ i was going to give up smoking... and still might but i love it so much

Hello Usagineko, sorry about your diagnosis, but welcome aboard. It is good that you have joined us; you will be able to find support, information (much needed at the beginning of this condition), and good advice from many great people.

Ann has already given you some of her wisdom. For now you just need some time to adjust to this change in your life. It is fine for you to cry and deal with the other emotions that come along with this. You mentioned that perhaps you may be feeling some sort of denial; I believe that the so-called "five stages of grief" thing applies pretty well to living with HIV. Just don't allow yourself to spend much time in the "depression" stage; in time you will accept it and you will be fine. Some things just carnt be changed, but we can adapt ourselves to deal well with them.

In the meantime just focus on doing all the proper tests, doing some reading about HIV (not too much though; it can get overwhelming when you're new to it), getting info from your doctor, and staying healthy in all respects.

Wish you great health and strength.

m.

PS./ your avatar... is that King Mob from The Invisibles? That's my favourite comic book/graphic novel.

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. I was diagnosed in May 2009, it was shocking and overwelming at the least. After 5 months I have found that is a Chronic Illness just like any other. My numbers are improving every time I see My ID doc, I am on meds.

You will find a wealth of information on this forum and it can be overwhelming. The people here are awesome for support. In my early stage of my diagnosis several people on this site gave me great advise of just taking one day at a time and try not to dwell on it and get back to my normal routine. Which I did and it helped a great deal. I like you did nothing but cry the first 2 months ( which is ok, get it out of your system it will help you, do not hold anything back).

I also have been seeing a therapist over the last 2 months which has helped me sort through it, I am doing so much better now and have gotten back to my normal routine. Set up a support system with positive friends (not hiv poz). A network of good support also will help and you will receive that from this site as well.