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Friday, January 21, 2011

SAHMness

This is a job. People who think it's not are idiots. 90% percent of the time it is the best job I have ever had. But like any job it has it's drawbacks, and sometimes that other 10% is soul crushing.

It is hard to describe the isolation of being a stay at home mom, especially since Dingle works from home. I guess the part that is so isolating is the fact that Lily's care consumes my thoughts, all of them. I am the only person in the world who thinks about her needs all day, every day. So even when we are not at home, as the job title would indicate...I never get a day off, there is no such thing as Monday or Saturday. It is hard to be the only person in the world. On the one hand I am FIERCELY protective of this role, but there are definitely times when I wish I could turn it off...pass her off to someone else and go get my nails done. "Go do that!" - I just heard you all shout in unison, ha. Do you know how much planning that takes? Oh the post-its I would have to write!! I don't have a babysitter down here yet. There is only one 15 year old in the world that I would even consider leaving Lily with (a former student) but she is busy being awesome and still waiting to get her drivers license. Plus I hate doing things by myself, always have. Trickier to navigate than the logistics is the guilt. Stop right there...do not roll your eyes at me. Guilt is real. Guilt is powerful. Guilt makes it not worth the hour long "break". Guilt makes moms say things like, "is my life really so terrible that I need a break?" No, no it sure isn't and I sure as heck don't need a break, forget I said anything. sigh. No one told me I would feel like that.

No one told me that I would want "mommy friends" either...but that is a whole other post.

Luckily for me the crushing moments are often interrupted by a giggle or grin that fills my heart with so much love that I think it might actually break into a million pieces. Mentioning that I thinking about Lily 100% percent of the time makes me sound like a crazy person. On the contrary, I would argue that having Lily has done nothing if not mellowed me out, Dingle might say significantly. I eat leftovers now (many heads just exploded), there is no significant increase in my blood pressure if I am only 10 minutes early, and today I found a Cheerio in my bra...so I ate it.