Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Pablo's smiley face drawing (below) was hiding in plain sight, right in front of the book shelf in our living room (above).

When Pablo passed away I started breaking a big rule in our house: I brought my bike and all the junk that goes with it into our living room. It was easier to prep in the morning. It was easier to dump myself into the front door after a ride in oppressive LA heat. Unconsciously, maybe I was avoiding the countless Pablo memories in the garage—his toys and his two bikes, the questions he'd ask me in there, the way he used to help me clean my bike. Who knows why I did it. But I broke the rule and the bike was in the house.

Many of you have seen the trail of cicli stuff in front of the book shelf when you've come over.

On Saturday morning, long before anyone else in the house was awake, I was prepping for my ride. I have a big black duffel bag that holds a bunch of my riding gear. I moved it a foot or two from where it was sitting on the floor. As I bent over to grab my shoes out of it, I saw something on the floor. Something red. A drawing. One of Pablo's trademark smiley faces.

I couldn't believe my eyes. The rarity of this find. The first thought in my mind was that this was Pablo's version of sanskrit—Pabskrit. The precious uneven lines of his young, developing hand. The beauty of it. Imagining how Pablo would have snuck over to the book shelf with a juicy red Sharpie when nobody was looking. Imagining the rush of excitement he must have had while he was doing it, fearing he'd be caught in the act.

Thankfully he was not found out. Thankfully we discovered this on Saturday July 18, three weeks after his passing. Thankfully Pablo's floor drawing is a wonderful, joyful, cute + hilarious gift for us to enjoy. Forever.

As I stood there, with the whole house still asleep, I could barely contain myself. I was certain no one had ever seen it. This is the kind of thing anyone around here—even a guest—would scream about at the top of their lungs. I was certain that nobody could possibly forget to mention that they'd discovered a Pablo drawing on the floor. I contemplated waking Jo Ann. I did not. She has a hard enough time sleeping. I took a picture of the drawing—the one you see above. And I told Jo Ann et al about it when I came home from my ride. After I put my bike in the garage.

21 comments:

Anonymous
said...

I think this is a secret thrill that many kids have shared -- the thought of leaving behind your mark (literally) on the world, or of leaving a secret hidden message for the future residents of the house (much like leaving a message in the walls, or under the wallpaper).

Do you think Pablo realized just what he was doing, that his smiley face's impact would come much sooner? Perhaps... What a gift he left you!

I agree with one of the anonymous comments - thank you for reminding me that even my child's act of defiance (oh, the joy Pablo must have taken in leaving that drawing on the floor) can be a moment to cherish.

Love this so much. Again, your writing is such a gift to everyone...you share so much of yourselves and at the same time teach us the joys...the real, high-impact, jolting joys of the little things that mean so much.

Jeff, this is another perfect example of you showing us the extreme beauty in the simplest things in life. I continue to be amazed at your ability to change the lens through which we all now see the world. I can't tell you how significantly Pablo's story has changed my life. For the past year I have read the blog every week, sometimes with great trepidation. I would open it and brace myself for the emotion that would ensue. As difficult as it was to sometimes get through it emotionally, ("I don't want to live in this world without my son" is one of the phrases that haunts me), I always exited the blog feeling spiritually richer. Strangely, it was not until a week or so ago when I read your plea to us readers to "not go away" that I realized that I had just been taking and not giving. It never dawned on me to write a comment or even acknowledge the profound impact that your sharing has had on me. I guess I viewed the blog as your diary and not really as 2-way communication. Let me just say that your comments as well as JoAnn's have resulted in me rethinking everything I have been doing. I will no longer work in the manner I have been (too many hours, with the kids missing me all the time). I no longer get angry when the kids talk incessantly through dinner and we can't get a word in. I now realize how precious every word is. I will NEVER forget JoAnn only getting up to pee once a day for the last 3 days of Pablo's life because she did not want to miss even one breath. I think of this every single day. I now strive to appreciate every moment in the way you and JoAnn did this last year. I never understood how precious life is until you showed me over and over again via this blog. What a gift you have given us. My kids are so happy to have me fully present and not continuously distracted by things I used to think were important. You have made all of our lives better. You and Pablo and JoAnn.Love,Mari V