November 9, 2015

jumbled thoughts.

i want to write, badly, but right now in this moment the words won't come. i believe this has to do with me feeling pretty okay lately. more than okay, really. the other day when i was driving to work i felt something weird, and after finally reaching work, i had determined that that feeling was actually joy. i hadn't felt joy in so long that i had completely forgotten what it felt like. man, it was a good feeling. it's one of those feelings that you're scared to hold onto because you know it's too good to be true, and there must be something bad coming. unfortunately that's exactly what i was thinking the whole time i felt this indescribably good feeling, and it damaged it. you can't really appreciate something if you're stressed over what is sure to come afterwards.

but overall lately it's been good. God is real, and He is good. so, so good. thinking about my future now is so much different than it was then. it was so dismal, scary, and worrying then. now i feel so excited, so ready, pumped, even. it feels so weird to say this, because i'm still not used to feeling this way. this all isn't to say that my hard times are over, i'm sure you realize that. they will never be over, and they most definitely aren't close to it now. i still have many bad habits that i feel i have no control over. breaking those habits is hard, i'm just going to say it like it is.

in other news, with the changing of myself, this space needed a facelift, so i spent some time working on that (and using some of my new coding skillzzzzz, still learning, but it's all so exciting and blogger also sucks for trying to customize and i am ready to host my own site but hahahaha. yeah. no.), and here is the finished product. i guess it actually works pretty well for me. especially since i finally have used my own handwriting for the header, that makes it feel like home the most.

4 comments:

This is so beautiful. I just recently found myself in one of the same spots. Felling unusually...good. And being afraid of that.And the bad habits thing. Wow. You hit the nail on the head right there. Actually with this entire post, yes.