What now?!

But now what… the words of Palahniuk via the vocals of Tyler occasionally pop into my head. For nearly all my life whether I’ve known about it or not I’ve been working towards something. I went to school to be able to go to college so that I could go to University and get a degree in order to get a good job. Along the way I may have thrown a curve ball in there deciding against University, after college I thought I knew what I wanted to do and had the tools to do it. But I wasn’t quite where I thought I was and my desire to escape education had been overwhelming at the time. After such a slight stray from the path the scheduled broadcasting would resume, this time to write some wrongs and sort my head out following a little inspiration from Chobsky. I am thankful for everything that has happened to me, the good and the bad for I wouldn’t be here, where I am now, and while I’m certainly not counting my chickens yet neither am I throwing them to foxes. I’ve got somewhere thanks to everyone around me and those who have given me their undying support since day one.

But everyday I stand on a crammed train each morning and evening and watch the people, the woman in the suit, the father and the child, the bohemian girl forced into something formal, the youngster and the man trying to recapture his youth, I see them everyday and while their faces, race, age, gender change the expressions rarely do a solemn stare as they await their stop. And all I can think is is this it. Is this what each of us has dreamed of. Is this what we’ve been working towards. Did these people ever dream of going to space, or riding a horse or playing with Lego everyday. Few of us are lucky enough to live these dreams one way or another but what about the others; the man or woman who gave it all up to look after and feed their family, the son who cares for his mother or the daughter who buried hers too young. And I stand there and wonder what now. I sit in the office and watch as people enjoy themselves and work hard proudly, as they stress and deliberate the days agenda and I wonder where do they go when the day is done, are they as happy as they are here. I shall never know but I sit there and wonder. And then I think. What now.

While books and stories and films have affected my life no book more then Salinger’s tale of a boys adventure away from school has stuck with me as harshly and beautifully as The Catcher in the Rye. While I dream of doing a lot with my life and may be lost as to know how to go about it, I would like just one thing. I would like to make a difference, no one would even have to notice, it may impact only a handful but like Holden I feel if I could be in the fields catching those children who stray towards unknown perils I would be happy.

While Durden’s voice occasionally reaches me, I think; I’m sorry Dad I will not be calling you to ask what is next I think I can figure that one out for myself no matter what it might be. You’ve got me this far and mother too and I am forever thankful to beyond the ends but I think I’ve got it from here, no matter whats coming my way.