First of all, I'm new here and to message boards in general, so: I'm 17 yrs old and have been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it's gotten way worse recently. I'm really scared to depend on people for things, even though I see a doctor to talk about my problems, so even posting on here is scary for me, because I feel I'm asking too much of people even to read this and respond and care.

I've had a huge crush on a guy in one of my classes for months now, and I can't stop thinking about him. I called him a few nights ago and he didn't call back, and I completely broke down, even though I found out later he just forgot. I have friends but I'm not as close with them as I'd like to be because I'm scared to tell them things. I'm scared they will realize how much I need them. But the fact that this guy probably doesn't feel the same way about me hurts more than anything else I've experienced in my life, but it's also the fact that I don't feel like there's anyone I can fall back on. (My family is really supportive but it's not the same.)

I feel extremely alone and binge on food to feel better. I do other things to sedate myself extremely frequently but I can't say what they are on here. My doc tells me not to but it's soooo tempting. I haven't gained much weight but it's only a matter of time and that will only make me feel worse because I'm obsessed with how I look.

I'm also really bad at expressing the intensity of my pain, but I'm guessing most of you would understand how bad it is. It's constantly weighing on me, inhibiting my animation, buffering the effects of any possible good thing. It's like living in a bubble, but not the kind of bubble where you're sheltered from things, the kind where you're constantly bombarded with things that make you feel like you are not worth being alive, interacting with other people, taking up space. That sentiment comes from me, I realize that, not from others, but it doesn't make it easier to get rid of.

Another thing, I told this girl who is supposed to be one of my best friends that I am going on meds and she was like, "Why?" I said, "Because I'm clinically depressed." She just smirked and said, "No you're not" really dismissively, and then turned and started talking to another girl about something else. It was so incredibly painful.

I used to be a ridiculously good student, kind of an overachiever, which was just a way to distract myself from the fact that I wanted friends and a boyfriend. I definitely don't want to go back to that extreme, but I'm at the other end of the spectrum now because I haven't been able to do my homework for weeks. I always just end up crying. But then that's what I end up doing whenever I'm alone.

I really want this guy to know how depressed I am, just so I could get pity from him, some kind of affection from him.

Like I said I feel really vulnerable just posting this, but I just want to hear from people who can identify with this and who have something to say that is affectionate and encouraging, unlike my so-called "friend." Ughhh...this sucks so much :(

Hi Lindz, I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum first off. We have lots of people here that are really supportive and always willing to help. We also have quite a few teens so your not alone in that either.

It is difficult and hurtful with you don't get the response that you need out of friends when you tell them something like what you told your friend. I too had this same problem with my friends and so called boyfriends and I ended up where I just wouldn't tell them anything at all. I am master of holding in my feelings and burying things then torching myself for the way that I feel. With a lot of years of counseling and medication I have gotten better with that. Have you spoken to your friend about this? Told her that she hurt your feelings when she said that?

I noticed you hinted at is an eating disorder. If I am wrong please do correct me. I am glad that you are seeing a doctor and talking to someone about these issues.

So, you really like this guy I wondered if it was that you wanted to date him and get close to him as he is cute and you have a crush on him. Or you feel that he would be receptive to your feelings and what your going through.

I hope that some other members will post to you to give you some different perspectives here. We are always here for you.....Hugs

hi lindz. I'm marla. I'll be 15 in about 3 weeks. I've been depressed since november of 2004, just recently I've gone from mild to severe depression, and also was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. I feel vulnerable all the time too. Just by joining this I wondered if it could help...but I realize people do care, and even the internet can be of some assistance.

I understand how you feel about the guy. A lot. I think the main trigger for the severe episode was when me and my boyfriend broke up at the end of January. I thought I loved him, and since I was already depressed I depended solely upon him to make me feel like i was worthwhile and beautiful. He broke up with me on aol, and I took it as him telling me that I wasnt good enough. After that I began cutting myself, I stopped eating, i lost about 10 pounds. I understand you feeling like this guy is the only thing that could make you feel happy...but i've learned from experience that you're the only person that can truly make yourself happy. I'm still working really hard to be happy myself. It's really difficult and there are times when i feel like i'm the worst person in the world, but i'm getting better at dealing with those thoughts.

I just wanted to let you know that this guy isnt worth you being miserable. Sometimes I still really miss my ex-boyfriend...but then I just realize i dont miss him (he was a jerk! he broke up with me on aim!) i just miss feeling good enough. so the sooner i can feel good enough about myself...the easier itll be to be happy.

I do sometimes think he is a jerk--he didn't call me back even when he remembered that I called! But then I remember all the things that I like about him, it's like involuntary, I just think about how great he is, I'm sure I overexaggerate it in my head but still, he seems so nice and funny and cute, in my head. But yeah it's true that it's not just about him, it's about me feeling desirable, and I want him to desire me. Now I'm thinking, he doesn't, and I feel really unattractive when I think about that. I've never felt attractive until this year because I got a nose job. It's changed me a lot more than my parents and friends thought it would. They were like, "Don't get your hopes up, it's not gonna change your life." But it did. I'm not repulsed when I look in the mirror anymore. I still have weight issues and still occasionally think I'm ugly, but only when I study myself too much in a magnifying mirror and from a million different angles, which is a really bad habit that I have. I'm never content to just glance at the mirror and think I look okay. I have to make sure I look good from every possible perspective. It's really exhausting and time-consuming.

I'm going to a movie with another guy tomorrow though. Even though I don't like him in that way (yet) I'm hoping it will at least make me realize some guys like my company. It will be my first date, really.

I actually don't have an eating disorder, except maybe compulsive overeating, I definitely do that. But I sedate myself with drinking. Starting today though I'm not going to--I talked to my doc and he used to think I could do it in moderation with my friends (because I tend to do it alone when I feel really horrible), but not anymore. Even though I feel disappointed, I know in a larger way it's the best thing to do.

Hi Lindz, Thanks for replying back and clarifying somethings. Sometimes it is so easy to draw conclusions from the smallest little thing and it isn't always correct. I understand what you mean about checking yourself out in the mirror at all different angles...I do this to and have since high school (I'm 32 now). I was a cheerleader for 3 years and worried that my legs were to chubby or my stomach hung out over my skirt and this was really when I first started to notice doing this. I didn't even go out for the team my senior year because of all the stress of it. I was also on volleyball and track team and quite fit, I can only say this now as I know that what the real problem was for me was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I still struggle with it daily, picking out clothes to wear everyday is difficult and shopping is a chore. Also, eating is something that I struggle with, I am always concerned with calories, fat and carbs. I am much better on my antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication. The only thing I can say is there is no such thing as perfect, just try to make yourself happy.

It also took me a while to realize that seldom would I ever get the kind of response or feedback that I needed or expected out of a guy. And teenage boys are in a whole different class of their own. Have a wonderful time on your date....

LindzThere was something in your post that set an alarm off with me. You said that you wanted him to know how depressed you were...to get his pity ect.I have been dealing with depression for 24 years now,and can be the one to tell you that most guys do not know how to handle a girl who is depressed. They will call you names,make fun of you and want nothing to do with you.Getting a guy because he pities you is not a healthy relationship. He will feel sorry for you,try to do things to make you happy,then you will become a thorn in his side. And he will try to avoid you and then he will move on.Make yourself stand out in other ways. Laugh,make jokes try to find out what he likes for example does he like cars? Then learn about cars...try to make small talk with him about them. Or set up a scene to where you and a friend are discussing cars and make sure he is within earshot.I just hope you do not go down the road of an unhealthy relationship...believe me you will be the one that gets hurt.shynsassy@healingwell.net

Thanks ShynSassy, yeah I didn't really think that could be the basis for a meaningful relationship, but I just wanted a hug, or a kiss, or just like a couple hours alone with him. But I don't even know if any of that is possible.

Unfortunately on my date I realized I don't think of this other guy as more than a friend :( I really wanted to like him because I definitely have more of a chance with him but you can't force it if it's not there.

I started taking medicine yesterday and I really hope it makes things better for me, but I wish most that the guy I like would just realize he likes me because that would also solve a lot of my problems. I don't like feeling this obsessed and I wish I could move on, but there is no one else I want and I need someone, even if right now he's mostly just a fantasy, because otherwise I'll feel totally alone.

My doctor says that while I don't have OCD, I am obsessive and compulsive. I can honestly spend hours staring at myself in the mirror or taking pictures of myself with a digital camera. I realize it's a complete waste of time but I can't help it, I have to know what I look like from every angle. One unflattering picture can completely change what you thought you looked like.

Do not give up.. there are alot more guys,so try not to have eyes only for one guy. You are way to young for that.And quite frankly you will go through alot of "perfect guys" before you find the right one.That is the advantage of being young!shynsassy@healingwell.net

Hi Lindz,I'm an old man (49) and i've been depressed since i was 13. I'm glad you know you are depressed and are getting help now. I was depressed for years but didn't know I was depressed. I just thought I was inadequit or somthing was wrong with me as a person. I thought I was a bad person. I would tell my family that I felt depressed and they would just say "you have to just snap out of it". Damm I hate that response. Once my father had migrains for a week so I got my revenge. I said "dad, you have to just snap out of it" while he was lying on the couch holding his head. Anyway, I'm glad you are here and I wish the best for you. Please be careful with your eating habits. An eating disorder can be as deadly as drug addiction. Please talk to your Dr about it and be very honest.

First of all.. when i read ur statment, i thought, why does this great girl have friends that she cant trust?

The thing i have found is that people who are not depressed couldnt possibly understand. there clueless. Ive been depressed for 4 years now, and i cant talk to any1 appart from a therapist or the guys on this site ( thank u all) These ppl know what there talking about.lol

Thanks Freeloader, my parents have tried to be pretty receptive but only recently have they really understood how bad it is. That's also because I hid some things from them. But I've told them about the drinking. They're more concerned, I think they're really worried and I feel bad about that, but at least they know how bad it is now. Over the last couple days I've really cleaned up my eating habits though, I've been eating really well and I'm gonna try to keep it up as long as possible.

Hi Judi, yeah some of my friends are really sympathetic but the friend I mentioned earlier, who somehow has become the central friend in my life, has no clue how to talk to a depressed person. I'm gonna have to try to distance myself from her, because I can tell very soon she will do that to me. Maybe she already started.

When I talk to my friends about the guy I like, it seems like such a possibility because it's proof that the situation is real, but I can't help but wonder if I'm just giving myself false hope. It kills me that he might not feel like this about me. I really, really like him...I've never liked anyone this way.