Long term unemployed to get positions in Coalition Government

In a further bid to reduce unemployment levels the government has announced a new policy of creating new, but meaningless positions within the coalition government and appointing some of the longer term unemployed to hold them.

"This will have the effect of reducing the average term of unemployment in the latest figures due to be published shortly." said a government spokesman. "We are sending a message to the country that the Conservatives truly care about cutting unemployment."

One beneficiary of the scheme, Nick Clegg explained:

"I, like my party, was doing absolutely nothing at all for many many years. I was depressed, lacked personal dignity and my party were suffering serious apathy and voter indifference. Thanks to this scheme I can hold my head up in society and my party is quite unrecognisable from what it was previously."

The response from the Labour Party was muted today, although it is reported that Ed Miliband was seen in his local Job Centre asking for application forms for the new scheme.