This post is open to anyone to join in. We will be battling comedy. Since A few of us from the site are aspiring comedians it should be pretty good. BUT remember we are not professionals (unless you count my 20 bucks a week as pro...) SO don't be scurred! Bring it!

I know a vegan bodybuilder who used to be bestfriends with a guy who ran around naked cover in lipstick from head to toe....No one knew how he got covered in the lipstick, BUT, the now vegan bodybuilder has been seen in pictures with bright cherry colored lips.
Keagan answer me this, can you still be a vegan if you swallow? But I think technically you have been intaking a product that comes from an anmial. Roar! Im such an animal....
Anyway its not easy being a Polish American.
Just because I'm Polish everyone always thinks I.... have
Great fashion sense. I my gosh, that is too cute.
And just because I'm Polish everyone always expects me to be rolling down main street in a pimped out honda civic that sounds like a lawn mower trying to get other lawn mower-mobiles to race me. I swear the next person who says that to me is going to get poked in the eye with my chopsticks!
And everyone thinks that just because I'm Polish I'm trying to compensate for things. Hey I'm just trying to big up my Polish to balance out my abnormaly large... knees.

Yo Co, you say you wanna battle but your jaw just rattles and you spit it as your keyboard scrabbles. You think you remember something from back in my history, cause you’ve known me since we were five watching Scooby Doo Mysteries.

Back in the day we used to wash chickens and now you finds them finger licken, while I’m doin the vegan thing I’m kickin the meat habbit, going on 10 years and counting, the e-mails pour in as they keep mounting, up as I try my best to respond to inspire others who feel my song, who’ve known all along and I keep climbing and it won’t be long until the world has to recognize, the determination and dreams in my eyes.

Thanks for coming to my contest over the weekend, you’re battling with the Northwestern USA Bodybuilding Champ who’s speakin, to hear all the roars, extending to the boats paddling with oars, out in the sea where I used to live, made so many good friends that I would give whatever I got to get out there again, taking the risk to lose what I worked so hard to win.

Now it’s your turn to bring it, or swing it or sing, however best you do it, bringing up our childhood again, nobody knows it better, 20 years as friends and getting closer as we do our comedy and play some poker. Seen you more times in 2005 than nearly all the time we’ve been alive. Keep it funny, like a nose that’s runny from laughing so hard you start to make money. That’s where we’ll both be years down the plank, laughing all the way to bank from our comedy that brings us the fans and friends like we made 20 years ago all the way to end.

Peace my brother and I’ll holla back soon…..gotta go back to work to give you some room…….to respond and don’t take long…..I’m waiting to bring more of what I’ve got, organic and homemade it’s not bought.

You think you can rap battle? Maybe until I send a slap that make your teeth rattle. You're beneath saddle I mean you got Large men riding your ass you cant pass this lad with more flow than a flask. I got one question to ask. Where did your mom go wrong her son performing in a hot pink thong. I saw it live with covered eyes, there for support but not to oil your thys, 1st prize but this guy wasn't surprised.
You kept the crowd far from bored, top score, prop sport, shot fans straight life support. You fed the crowd like an ambilical cord and when its won and done you were cold rockin a sword.

Yeah dogg it’s a comedy AND rap battle, you better recognize that before I hit you with a table tennis paddle, runnin off to tell your mommy you little taddle.

You talk about being Polish like you're some kind of hot dog, spitting
your comedy at Harvey's to a crowd of slobs, who won't even laugh if
you tickle their pants off....up at the mic, make you want to back off.

That place sucks after hours, lets back to ours, back to the place it all started when I joked and farted, back to the room we call Boiler opening up as the spoiler, last time with my rhyme and my top 11 not 10, I won’t go it again, too long to be strong to make them laugh all night long.

Wait until we do our own comedy contest, hosting in Portland as they try to protest, too funny, too sharp, too witty, too smart, we upstage them and age them like they some piece of art.

But back to the battle between me and my homey, not Simpson or Jessica that slut who’ll be lonely when that boy leaves her side and finally comes alive to take back his pride…..oh wait that’s bout them, not me and you again, I lost track of the smack I was bout to write back.

So now I’m here out in front not in back or the rear, where you are not too far, chasing after my ass, but you get paid and get laid and I’m not getting either, time for me to get on the myspace girl fever, I got it now get it, wow, how’s it now that I’m not, getting any of the stuff that I work for and want.

I’ve been writing and ranting and now it’s time to get goin and flowin like the flask you are blowin, and showin to all of your friends and your homies while I’m sitting here loney, but one of these days it will work and it pays and all my friends are amazed that I finally did it and got to the top with some help from my dogg who was there all along who got me into the comedy club, now I’m a stud and a champ on the stage and you was part of the parade of my friends and my sister caught up in the twister of wanting and winning and my head is spinning and now it’s all spun and my rhyming’s all done and it’s time for you to hit back with a ton.

Internet dating is hellarious. I havent gotten the real experience for myself but I have been hearing about it a lot from friends. Apparently when you are talking on line all the rules of normal acceptable conversation no longer apply... Like if your on a first date in earth a typical conversation might go something like this:

You look great tonight
oh thanks your sweet
So tell me about yourself, what do you do?
I blah blah blah. How about you?
Oh actually I have gotten into blah blah blah, you know blah.
Can I get you another drink
Oh I shouldnt, um okay
I had a nice night
muah

The internet world is completely different, free of any social restriction, here is an example of what a typical cyber 1st date conversation might be like:

You look hot in the pic you sent to my email
oh thanks your sweet.
you know photography is one of my hobbies.
thats funny because pornography is one of mine, (giggle)
really?
Ya, you know you should come take pictures of me sometime
okay
naked
alright sounds good see you in 30 mins.
okay bring lube.

Ya its totally just like that. And I can't get over it. I seem to hear another crazy story from a different friend every week or so. It ... IS... AMAZING...
ANd I figured it out. The internet is apparently like a magic invisability cloak, its like harry potter, but with lube, and dinosaur shaped condoms... Harry puts on the magic condem, i mean cloak, and he can go anywhere unseen. People actually believe that if you meet someone on the internet, even if you are from a small ass town like tigard, oregon.... you can meet up with a person do some wildebeast mating ritual, and no one will ever know about it.
ATTENTION ALL NERDS! I myself had a very rough time getting laid in highschool. BUT THANKS TO THE "INTERNET" we nerds can now choose exactly what type of girl we like to look at, find one into boning guys that play magic cards, and whip out our wizards wands and casts some spells on some thick damsels in distress.
I think this is the real reason nerds invented the internet in the first place, Buddah bless em!

Now I’m back at it one mo gin, I was out of town in Seattle this past weekend, doing the bodybuiding thing bumbin shoulders with Ronnie, talking bout outliftin Mr. Jackson named Johnnie

It’s nice to see Co, Mr. top CEO, coming back with the flow with below the belt blows, make me stay on my toes, makin lyrics like no one knows, that is just how it goes cause we say it and spray it, that’s the way that we play it. It’s not fair, I don’t care, I got blonde in my hair and I’m cute and I know it, so I that’s why I show it. You may have some envy but don’t by my enemy, just be my friend, and my dogg til the end and we’ll go out in Bend and climb the rocks with the men who have no fear and then, we don’t lose we all win.

Now Co I can tell that you know me so well cause you’re there when I tell you that I just need some help. Like I told other friends to help the Forum get started, they sat with their head in their ass and they farted. They didn’t say a thing, not even one post, they say they’re my friends but not there when it matters most, to me, you see, I have to be me, four, two, or three, but the what rhymes with son, and you ask who’s your Daddy, and I’m number one, and I say with pride, I don’t run and don’t hide my physique from the crowd, I’m here and I’m loud and I’m close to the top if you like it or not, you must give respect or I’m breakin your neck and your legs and your joints to rack up some more points in this beating I’m eating and breathing to live and give hope to those who want it and try with the gleam in their eye to be like me so tight you see, that’s how it should be.

I know it sounds lame but I am just the same as you are, and everyone else, and I’m not that special, just look at myself. I’m just a white guy who raps out his life like Wonder Years nerd boy, Kevin’s best friend Paul Fife-ER, you heard, when I came in and spat it, too bad I can write but no way I can rap it. If I could sing than no thing, we’ll all have bling bling cause I know how it tell it the way that folks eat it, like Bad and Thriller, MJ can Beat It.

What about a battle with the chocolate candy, he’s white too but his name isn’t Andy, it’s Marshall and he’ll tell you that his live Matters and Mathers can throw all those M&M wrappers, cause he’s melting his way to the top of this business, but maybe it’s my shot in my pants as I piss it, and miss it cause I can’t sing a note and I’m broke and this life is a joke but this joint I won’t smoke. If I just took some lessons than I would be messin with some of the best in the business and my albums be blessin the lives of those who gave it a listen to see this whole time what the hell they’ve been missin.

Aight Co, I gotta go now, I don’t know how it’s like Wow, I’m some sort of Celebrity now. When someone yells Vegan its ME that they’re seein, Cheeke in their face and my ass is on pace to make an impact while my life is still intact. I am up to bat and I’m swingin and bringin this rhyme with no reason. I just swung too hard and the ball it just passed and my bat flew around and I fell on my ass.

But I’m back up to say that I am here to stay, if you like me or don’t, affect me it won’t, cause it’s all games and fun by the way that its done and this is my story of how I got what I won.

Rob your rhymes is thrifty its stop time cuz you make less sense then 50. My presence is witty. Pure power trip like the president without his simplicity. Simply your pimply haven't reached rhyme puberty your voice cracks with hacks that scream "Wo this is new to me" I battle through mail via e with handgrenade keys. I'll still win with one hand on my steed like Al Bundy.
And Wonder years you want to go 80's show dorky, this is like battlin life goes on and calling you corky. And as for marshal mathers i'll teach you whats going on, how bout' a hip hop lesson we'll start with Emanon.
Battling is rough ive done this ish on stage I won but forfit to dodge a fist from my face. Amazed your blood's displaced how does it taste to chase, An ace of grace with a damn tied shoe lace?

Insomniac conglomerat suicide rhyme bomber. Battle? When you decide its time wear armor. You need more protection than three condoms boppin a porn star, while i talk you should stop drop and roll to rent yourself an armored car. This harm is far from over my charm is like a clover with four leaves 4 suites with 8 tricks thats one for each sleave. You better believe the deeper you get the wetter you'll be. You should swim for the kiddy pool before you drown in the the rhythmic sounds that I spitty fool, Who? CO? ya he's pretty cool. No, knockin you off is pretty cool Co's the dean uh the school gleam uh the jewels King uh the rules.

-okay my i lose points for going out of turn but the first line alone makes up for it....

Co, I love the way that you sing it and bring it, and no worries about going out of turn, so you will learn it's your ass that I'll burn. I was in bed asleep, hangin from my feet, all the blood rushed to my head and my face looked like a beet. But now I'm up, not my boner, no morning wood here, back with my response to shove in your ear.

My material is all original and you know this is true cause it’s all just a story about me and you. I roll around with so many people who are famous, I don’t care what you think, you can all kiss my anus.

I know all my lyrics might not be for kids so cover their ears with coffee cup lids. But Ass and Damn are as far as it goes, I walk on broken glass on my heels and my toes. I don’t mean to offend or disturb all the readers, I work with children myself, all the trickers and treaters.

Just recognize what I’m doin and be cool with my lyrics, sittin back with your radio turned up and you hear it. Wow, Big Cheeke finally made Big Time with his stories and stupid words that he rhymes.

No joke I share the same birthday as Dr. Suess, born 75 years before me, I am the Kaboose on the train in the rain, you Will know my name, all the pain is now fame but I am still the same. I’m still the brother and friend I’ve been all along, now I just tattooed the words to my song on the chart I’m on top if you like it or not, you will learn to love it, get off of my skateboard, here come a pop shove it.

Now Co, my bro, know you can’t beat me. I know you’re not vegan so I tell you to eat me. You’re clever and smart and I like your style, get used to being in my shadow for a while cause that’s where you’ll stay, I don’t care what you say, just except where you are and get out of my way, cause I write it and tell it better than 90% so the hell with it, where’s me contract, that small dotted line when my producer tells me it’s my turn to sign and to shine all the time with the words that I rhyme, I’m Big Time and wine and dine with the grapes from the vine, it’s no crime cause I don’t really drink it, I ink it, and pass it along and sit back and I blink as I’m hearing my song as it’s played and it pays and riding the wave and climb out of my cave, this new road that I pave for those who are brave and won’t be a slave to limits that others try to give us to keep us down and piss on us. Get out the umbrella cause that’s one hell of a, stream it’s too mean, keep the floor clean with the light saber beam with a mop on the end, go tell your friends, this took me like 10 minutes to write and I’ll do it again.

Ok Co, you know how it goes, my time is over and it’s your turn to flow.

Make it funny so I get that pain in my tummy from laughing and farting when you’re jokes are starting, you will make it, can’t break it, won’t take it or fake it anyway that you bake it.

First off keep your junk away from my ear. You brought the funk but it sounded gayer than queer. And no hate I got mad love for the rainbow. Its just not my thing the whole idea sounds so painful.
And who'd you just invite to be kissin your anus thats shamless heads thick you should body build brains kid.
Same birthday as Dr. suess I see why your rhymes flop and why you like guys is because-a hop on pop.
Lets see what about when you bit off my rhymes like crazy, line for line something like Im not vegans the reason you ate me. Please scroll back a few posts, before you roll with wise cracks and originality boasts.
Please, the only thing in your shadows a fart cloud. Watch as I break apart rob in smart artilary shrouds.
You should callow and stop beggin for more, your lyrics headin shallow like polly shore. While im laying in the Hilton in Paris. You'll be layin underground steady wiltin like roger maris. Your more gay than Marvin, kiss more buts than Dick, beggin Dolly's pardon cuz I got you caged like Nick. Face it im wrong, more sick than kids in a telethon Im more magic than pullin tricks from sleaves and missing both arms.

I tell you to get out of my way and you call me gay, you listen to what I spray comin at you in the Month of May.

You say my rhyming makes less sense than 50 and although that sounds nifty but quite a bit shifty, cause I'm telling stories and it all make sense, I am a bit richer forget the six pence or your two sense, not like I need it, I look at it and read it but no reason to keep it. I tell it and spell it and you're just like, "the hell with it," I say it all clear, so open your ear or I'll lose my shoe in your rear. I say it's your stuff that's shady, rhymes with no story, just random words lazy. They may have a nice sound but no meaning is found just words coming up lumpy like broken humpty dumpty.

Let me show you how it's done, this battle I've won here is one just for fun:

What’s up man? And I don’t mean Stan with the can of Spam in a frying pan, held in his right hand. I’m talking to you, Co, Dylan K, Polish Poppa, my dog who brings the laughs, non-stoppa. Even if you wanna, you can’t stop the man Co, who’s hitting up your baby’s mama.

So what’s going on, you keepin busy with workin, driving around the Honda Civic you’re jerkin the gears in the mirrors from the rear you see your friend in the back drinkin beers. Drop his ass off in the ditch, that son-of-a-bitch was trying to get you busted, that makes me discusted . I’ll beat his ass with my 20-pound bass, I’ve been fishin, yeah right you be wishin that maybe it’s true, but no fishing for me, I just let them be, let them live without a hook in they mouth, don’t look at me like that, you know what I’m talking about.

It’s about freedom to swim as they spin on the edge of the rim trying to avoid the pin that’s trying to suck them in, so they won’t have a life no more, pulled out of their home and thrown on the floor, beaten over the head with a 2X4.

I just realized something, I can rap so well, that what the hell, I should make it about vegans and animal rights, as I stand on stage in front of the bright lights. I’m doing it for a purpose, some sort of deeper meaning, to try to stop all the unnecessary animal beating.

I’ve got a gift and a talent and no need to waste it. I just spit it and spray it in their face so they taste it. I may have just discovered a new market, a vegan bodybuilder who can rap and hit the bull’s eye on the target. The best part is that it only takes me ten minutes to mark it, down on my paper, I am not a hater, but I try to be greater than you are, or I was, or that which I could be, so someday my children and childhood friends will see me, and hear me, and wanna be near me, cause I’ll be famous, shooting stars out my anus, collecting the payments from sponsors and shows, and pimpin my hoes. Naw, just playin again, I don’t need so many women, just one, just my only, my girl and my homey.

My vegan fitness model, riding full throttle, bouncing on my head like a bobble, all springy, not too clingy, but my friend and my best, above all the rest, my baby, my girl, my entire world. I know it’s a dream, but some day you’ll see me and my vegan baby eating soy ice cream on the swing on the porch lighting a torch for a candle if she can handle the night I have in store. Hanging out at the house, or the park, or the farm, all the matters is that she’ll be there in my arms…..

…Wait, hold up, back up for a minute, wasn’t this a rap song I was spittin? When did it turn into a story about gettin and hittin my dream girl, man I’m trippin. I need to get back to my roots, back to the rhyming about eating veggies and fruits, and the vegan stuff I was sayin, hopin and prayin these lyrics will be payin my bills off, so back off, and stay off, and don’t rip my words off. These lyrics are mine, it’s a trademark in time to copyright my rhyme, so I should be just fine.

Alright my Dirty, this one’s been wordy, so I’ll put my pen down in a hurry, come back at me, Mr. Napolean Dynamite Nerdy.

Are you serious I broke apart your last post line for line and you come back rhyming "it" with "it" 8 damn times. Go back and look if you need to, your flows got no soul your straight see through. And transparent, ask your grandparents, they can't marit, claimin you as a their next-ta-kin, battle me? you'll never win, you'd have better luck in Iraq speakin mexican.
Your finished, Horacio Sands sung a song dressed in drag you best get 2nd opinions before you start to brag. And geez please stop the gloating, Imma end this and change topics....... So how you get your protien? I know my food times table, a pro to grow vegitables. This cat's fickle, why you think they call me dill pickle. I will trickle you down like economics. A shooting star that eclipses wack comets.... like yourself. You should have oiled your head in the shower, you lack definitions and show no brain power.
I'll keep this short like your unit, I met this girl on the net said your the size of a chapstick. I gasp with LOL's straight comedy slapstick. I stretch silable backflips, analyze anomalies but still can't spell $hi+. I expell shells larger than your arm viens, I've seen your arm-guitar Jimmy Hedrix couldn't tune them strings.

HAHA, awesome man! I hope you like some of the lyrics. I got so busy lately I had no time to rhyme. I still do it in my head while I'm lying in bed before waking up to the work I dread. It's actually not that bad, I just wish I had more time but I'm glad that I have what I have and I will not complain, but I am so sleepy there's no sense in my brain, I'm tired, not wired, I'm weary and spent, I'll come back after Co with the bat the I bent..........I'm sleepin now...

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