Lost Recap: Double the Oceanic Flight 815 Passengers, Double the Fun?

I had thought my long nightmare was over. That's usually the case when a tedious and time-consuming assignment—such as watching every single episode of Lost in less than three weeks span—finally ends. I should really learn to start screening my calls. "Hey Mike," my editor began, with excessive enthusiasm, "Do you want to continue to write about Lost for this final season?" Before I could even begin my over-reacting, vehement refusal, he interrupted, "Great! It’s due tomorrow."

By the way, for anyone frustrated by my inability to properly recap Lost’s latest season in all its befuddling splendor the other day, here’s a handy chart, courtesy of one Doug Singsen. I only wish I’d seen this four weeks ago—there's no way in hell I would have accepted the assignment of summarizing the whole show:

I admit I felt a sense of community when watching a first-run episode of Lost along with the rest of the Eastern and Central time zones, especially an episode as highly anticipated as last night’s two-hour (well, minus the inordinate amount of commercial time ABC jammed into this episode) season-six premiere. Even so, as the show began, I couldn't help thinking that Lost could benefit from a mood-setting theme song played over a Falcon Crest style opening title sequence, introducing each actor with a dramatic, over-the-shoulder head swivel.

When we last saw our Lost-ies—among them Jack (Matthew Fox), Sawyer (Josh Holloway), and Kate (Evangeline Lilly)—they had traveled back in time to 1977 and had successfully detonated a nuclear bomb in an attempt to alter the future so their doomed flight would never crash-land on the island. In last night’s episode, we learn that this little stunt seems to have created at least two alternate dimensions involving the same characters. (I'm checking my contract with V.F., but I'm relatively sure this means I will be paid double.) In one dimension, the castaways are still on the island, only back in the present (or some form of it); and in another, their flight lands successfully at LAX in 2004. In the latter reality, the Lost island is completely annihilated, submerged at the bottom of the ocean, and inhabited by, I presume, the Snorks.

Remember all those long-forgotten characters from way back in the first season? Or, if you're like me and just watched every episode of the entire show last month, remember those long-forgotten characters from about four weeks ago? Well, in the reality where the plane doesn't crash, they're all still alive and well in 2004, though, perplexingly, they all look about six years older and have different haircuts. Man, those Lost writers really throw you for a loop—what does all this mean?! (Other than that Dominic Monaghan needed a short haircut for that FlashForward show—also on ABC!—and Matthew Fox apparently didn't want to shave his head again, that is.)

The amount of hype that surrounded this premiere is quite astounding considering that 75 percent of this episode consisted of either a) a group of people digging in a pit, b) a group of people sitting on a plane or c) a group of people staring at a dead body on a beach. At least there was some pleasant banter on the flight; it's always nice to hear a Crocodile Dundee reference these days. (Remember: the characters were flying out of Australia.) Come to think of it, what if the Lost writers had been huge fans of Crocodile Dundee instead of Star Wars? Would Saywer exude more of a Paul Hogan vibe than a Han Solo one? Would his real name be James Kozlowski? Instead of attempting to write the script for The Empire Strikes Back from memory in the 1977 reality, would Hurley (Jorge Garcia) have written the script for Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles? Now that's an alternate dimension worth visiting.

By the end of the episode, just as I was thinking that Lost had, well, lost its way, a character was unfairly blamed for something that wasn't his fault, and Sawyer decided to go it alone. Now there's the Lost I remember! How Season One! And the best thing that ever happened to John Locke (Terry O'Quinn) was having the smoke monster (I'm not about to explain; by this point you either know what this means or you never will) steal his identity. Now there’s a guy who doesn't beat around the bush. When smoke-monster-Locke wants people, such as The Others' leader, Jacob (who had a “Josh Duhamel” haircut even when he was living back in the 1800s), dead, he doesn't waste time.

I suppose I'm left to ponder these somewhat agonizing questions: What's the endgame for merging the two separate dimensions and am I actually going to get paid double for this? Who is this new group of Others living at this temple that Jack and crew encounter and why does one of them look frighteningly like a cross between Ben Kingsley and "Weird Al" Yankovic? And, more frustratingly, why isn't the "next episode" button working on my remote like it did last month?!