Sunday, November 15, 2015

1st 5 Pages November Workshop - Roberts Rev 2

Name: Jessica Roberts

Genre: New Adult Romance

Title: SMARTS

Pitch:

Twenty years ago American scientists stumbled upon a chromosome exclusive to people with abnormally high intelligence levels. Smarts, they were dubbed, the Einsteins and Mozarts of the world. And with the title, organized groups of Smarts called Bands, dotted the countryside.

Avery Richardson has been living as Jennifer since age eight, when her Smart abilities kicked in and her high-status Smart parents put her in hiding. She’s perfected invisibility at Princeton University with dyed black hair and dark clothing. But someone knows who—and what—she is.

Luke Strong has been watching and waiting for years for just the right moment to overthrow his powerful father, one of the most sinister and highly intelligent Smarts alive. And Luke needs Jennifer, the only other Smart as genetically gifted as he, to do it.

The motorcycle riding bad-boy kidnaps her and takes her to his home of Wonder, a remote village of rebel Smarts.

Unsure who to trust, Jennifer maintains her “Commoner” disguise. She learns frightening secrets about her own father and his role in Father Strong’s scheme to overtake the government.

But she has secrets of her own: an intense attachment to her kidnapper. Will they both see past their lies and learn to trust each other?

First Five Pages:

Paranoid.

The word circles through my head while I sit in the corner of the stuffy, stadium-styled classroom in Smarts 101 class. I messily doodle a picture of a birthday cake on the paper I’m taking notes on. When I’m done with my sorry scribble I use the eraser to blow out the nineteen lit candles on top of the crookedly drawn cake. It’s the closest I’ll get to a birthday wish today, as I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was eight.

“Par-a-noid.” I silently mouth, tasting the word on my tongue as I erase my drawing. I’ve never liked the word. But what girl wouldn’t grow up paranoid if her parents changed her name on her eighth birthday and told her to watch her back for the rest of her life? I mean, seriously…

It still bothers me, though. Like how in most of my classes here at Princeton I make it a point to never sit next to the same person more than twice. Except for Smarts 101 class. The guy I sit next to—whom I’ve so originally nicknamed Beach Bum—likes to copy my notes, and I like that he’s not very social. So the arrangement works.

“Let’s have a bit of fun before class ends,” Professor Bell says excitedly from the front of the class. He rubs a chubby hand over his slightly graying beard, grinning in that eye-twinkling way he always does at some point during the hour. I want to smile with him. Obviously, teaching Smarts 101 is the highlight of his life.

“We have fifteen minutes,” Professor Bell continues. “Perfect!” He shuffles through his notes until he finds what he’s looking for.

Fifteen minutes… I look down at my desk and let my bangs fall over my face, using my dyed black hair as it was intended, to mask myself…for another fifteen minutes. It’s not the first or twenty-first time I’ve wished I wasn’t in this class of a hundred students. But two decades ago scientists found the chromosome that identifies a Smart, or people with abnormally high intelligence levels. And six years ago Smarts 101 became a required course for all freshmen. Well, all freshmen who are non-Smarts, which is most of the world. So I had no choice in the matter. Spring semester ends in a couple weeks, I remind myself. And even though everyone knows who my parents are, I can remain mostly invisible in this class for two more weeks.

“Okay,” Professor Bell says with a grin. “You all know how I love brain teasers. I have two quick ones for you. Teaser number one: How many students do we have in this class? Don’t answer out loud, just glance around the room quickly and make an educated guess.”

Professor Bell paces impatiently as students survey the room. A few lift off their seats to get a better view. Not me. I stay sitting, quiet and unnoticed on the last row, doing what I can to not draw attention to myself, which usually means doing nothing.

“Okay, teaser number two,” Bell continues. “Which of these two sentences is most correct: Seven and five is thirteen or seven and five are thirteen? Now write down an answer to only one of the two brainteasers given.”

If only I could put my hair behind my ears; smile, laugh, and answer questions every time I wanted in class. But as the daughter of two of the most prestigious Smarts in the world, I can’t. It’s too dangerous. I’m too dangerous.

“Yo, Jennifer,” Beach Bum says from my left. I turn toward him with a pen outstretched. “Ha, thanks.” He takes the pen from me.

For a moment I am calmed by the quiet commotion of rustling papers and scribbling pens. But the reprieve doesn’t last and the noise quickly dies. Taking a deep breath, I silently reach in my bag and tear off a corner of loose paper to write down my answer.

“Okay,” Bell says. “Raise your hand if you wrote the word ‘neither’ or something to that effect.”

It looks as if every student in the class raises their hand.

“Yes.” Bell chuckles in satisfaction. “As suspected. And your answer is obviously correct. The sum of seven and five is twelve, not thirteen, so the question as it refers to grammar is irrelevant.

“Now, if you had a brain like theirs, you would have written something very different. Anyone have a guess as to what theywould have written?” The class quiets as Bell hastily looks around to see if he has any takers. “They, class, would have written the number ninety-five. Anyone want to take a stab at why?”

A girl seven rows down from me raises her hand. Her name is Ashley Watkins. I don’t know her, but I’ve noticed she’s always happy. I like that about her. Under different circumstances we might have been good friends. But there’s no sense wishing for things I’ll never have, as much as I waste time doing so.

“Yes, Miss Watkins?” Bell acknowledges.

“Ninety-five is the number of students in this class. They would have written down the answer to your first question about how many students are in this class.”

“Yes,” Bell eagerly responds. “When it was time to write down an answer, the majority of you, if not all of you, chose to answer the second question; the one you knew the answer to. By raise of hands, did any of you choose to answer the first one instead, the one on the number of students in this class?”

No hands rise and Bell chuckles again. “Now, as some of you may vaguely remember, the first day of class I mentioned that we had ninety-five students in this class. It would have taken seconds for them to call up that information from that first day, milliseconds, in fact. Essentially, to them both questions would have been easy. Where all of you wrote off the more difficult brainteaser, because of their nearly perfect memories, Smarts would have had no reason to.

“However, it actually boils down to something much more basic. Simply put, first questions are the logical ones to answer first. And Smarts are logical to the core. Now, let’s review a few last details about them to prepare you for your spring term exam.” Bell continues pacing the room as he begins counting off a list on his fingers. “One, all Smarts have the abnormality on chromosome six in their DNA, which is how we now know that Einstein, Hitler, and Mozart were Smarts.”

“So basically, what we need to remember is that all of them are products of a genetic defect?” Mara Jones pipes in, as she so often does, with one of her off-color comments.

A few students laugh, the same few who laugh every time a bit of bashing goes on in class. It can’t be helped, I remind myself as I hamper the idea of yelling out, “Don’t talk about my parents like that!” After all, I understand that people can be uncomfortable with differences.

“So, our teacher wants to be part of a group who favors world domination?” Mara Jones whispers loudly to a neighbor and then chuckles once.

Bell walks toward the middle of the room and stops front and center by the microphone podium. He lifts his hands and clasps them together, resting his elbows on the stand. “Valid question, Mara. I suppose it would be appropriate to address the current rumors about them that are circulating around campus here at Princeton.” Since he rarely uses the microphone, his magnified voice seems to carry more weight as it booms through the air and echoes off the walls. “I am here to assure you that Smarts are not out to get us.”

8 comments:

Thank you so much for all your invaluable comments! They've been incredibly helpful.

I wasn't sure whether to keep my original beginning (which some of you liked) or change it (which some of you suggested). I tried a new beginning in this draft, so let me know what you think -- Did you like the original better? This one better? Neither and I need to go back to the drawing board?

O. M. G. !!!!I am in LOVE with the new opening. The teaser of her not celebrating a birthday since she was eight? Realizing that she’s a bit paranoid because of people realizing who she is? I was fine with the old hook, but man! This hook is SO much better! Nicely done!

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet, but I love the visual of the students looking around the classroom, the line, “a few lift off their seats.”

One thing I'm wondering: I know she sits next to the beach bum repeatedly, so I can see how he’d know her name. But if she’s trying to blend in/hide from her peers, would she even get the level of letting him know her name even if hers is fake? I mean, he could see it on a test blue book, when she gets homework returned to her. Worth addressing? Maybe? Maybe not.

You've worked hard to update and tweak your work this month and it really shows!I am honored that I got to share this month with you. I have loved getting a glimpse and hope we can exchange more pages at a later date! I’d love to read more! :)

The new opening is fantastic!! I love the new added detail that she’s in hiding. It really does explain her circumstances and behavior in the classroom a lot better than the previous versions! Great job on this revision!!! I'm hooked and want to read more!!!

The pitch is also great! Some additional thoughts I had while reading it after your revision this weekend:

1. Is there anyway you can hint at why Avery would need to go into hiding or why she may be in danger? I know it's because she's a Smart, but why is that so bad?

2. Are all Smarts sinister? You mention Luke’s father is one of the most sinister Smarts alive, which has me wondering if these Bands are all up to no good, which is why the rebels need to overthrow them? Also, is sinister in reference to the way they run the government? Just wondering haha

3. Can you tie the fourth paragraph in with another paragraph? It looks lonely by itself! For example: “Unsure of who to trust after the motorcycle riding bad boy kidnaps her, Jennifer maintains her “Commoner” disguise when she’s brought to his rebel base…”

4. The last paragraph seemed a little flat to me, but the premise of this whole story is so interesting! I wonder if you can end more strongly by hinting at what’s to come. For example, by working in what Jennifer’s role in Luke’s plans may be, and how this all ties in with their relationship to each other and her future. How will her life change if things go well? Or will she still need to live a paranoid life in hiding?

It's so fun reading these pitches after having seen the pages! Your story sounds so exciting. Mid-pitch, I got a little confused about whether Luke knew Avery was a Smart. If so, maybe add a clarifying phrase, like "Unsure who to trust, Jennifer convinces Luke to help her maintain her 'commoner' disguise."

I LOVE the new opening. It's so much more impactful and unique - and I immediately felt for Avery, having to hide herself even on her birthday. The exposition feels a lot more natural throughout, too. These pages are very grounded, very real, which is absolutely key in this kind of book.

In terms of micro-edits, watch out for filler words like "slightly" and "once" that weaken the narrative. Another tiny note - if Avery is a secret Smart, maybe she could note exactly how many people are in the class instead of "class of a hundred students" - the first hint of what's really going on. Just an idea!

These pages have come a really long way - I'm so impressed. Thanks so much for sharing these pages and best of luck with the rest of this great story!

Wow, Jessica, this has come really far. Your opening is miles beyond where you started. I absolutely love it! You've done a great job of setting up Smarts and what they are, and who your MC is without an info dump. Very good work indeed. If I were an agent I'd ask for more pages.

Now on to your pitch:

Twenty years ago American scientists stumbled upon a chromosome exclusive to people with abnormally high intelligence levels. Smarts, they were dubbed, the Einsteins and Mozarts of the world. And with the title, organized groups of Smarts called Bands, dotted the countryside.

Avery Richardson has been living as Jennifer since age eight, when her Smart abilities kicked in and her high-status Smart parents put her in hiding. WHY? She’s perfected invisibility at Princeton University with dyed black hair and dark clothing. But someone knows who—and what—she is.

Luke Strong has been watching and waiting for years for just the right moment to overthrow his powerful father, (called Father Strong by his followers) one of the most sinister and highly intelligent Smarts alive. And Luke needs Jennifer, the only other Smart as genetically gifted as he, to do it. ******Ok, the agent might wonder why it is that Smarts are dangerous. You haven't told us why that is true. Are they dangerous? If it is their goal to take over the world, we need to know that right away. (Something like: And with the title, organized groups of Smarts called Bands, dotted the countryside, and they have one main purpose: ridding the world of what they call commoners. Or whatever. You get the point.)

The motorcycle riding bad-boy kidnaps her and takes her to his home of Wonder, a remote village of rebel Smarts.

Unsure who to trust, Jennifer maintains her “Commoner” disguise. She learns frightening secrets about her own father and his role in Father Strong’s scheme to overtake the government.

But she has secrets of her own: an intense attachment to her kidnapper. Will they both see past their lies and learn to trust each other?

PITCH:Jessicaaaaa!!!!!!! Your pitch is awesome! You really covered and filled in all the links that were missing from your sample that you allowed me to read before... Link of why Avery is now Jennifer and I love how you added where her parents stood in all this... And the link Why Luke wants/needs her in his sinister plans... I think you did an amazing job of building the world to give the reader a great understanding to know what to expect in your super exciting book. I know I WANT to read more!

If I haaaaaaaad to add anything it would only be to maybe get a hint more of the temperament of the government or is Jennifer's parents in trouble. If there is anything really impeding on Jennifer or Luke's plans to hurry...to create a more suspense of a timeline that may be running out... Maybe?

1st FIVE PAGES

Love the new beginning! Shows personality and situation of parents. I really enjoyed your pages and I'm so glad we connected thought the workshop! I really didn't have much more to add but as I read I tried to reeeeeally just write anything down that might of given me a hiccup in my thoughts. So these are it below but please remember it is only because I bead TRYING to find something. You're such a talented writer and I hope my simple notes help... :)

-when Jennifer refers to non-smarts, which is most of the world... What do you think of saying an exact percentage to give a hint of her intelligence... She as a Smart it would be easy to know numbers and figures... Just a thought

-just a thought in Paragraph: Professor Bell paces impatiently as students survey the room. A few lift off their seats to get a better view. Not me. I stay sitting, quiet and unnoticed on the last row, doing what I can to not draw attention to myself, which usually means doing nothing.I think this can be edited a bit because it kind of felt like a repeat of the 3rd paragraph and 6th paragraph that she hides her presence... So by the 8th paragraph and she talks about being invisible it felt like I already read and understood that so it wasn't necessary. -love brain teasers!!!-looooove the line "I'm to dangerous." Ack! Love this new inner detail-looooove that last line. Left me sad it only was 1250 words ... :(

You’ve got a great concept here, and there’s a dystopian flavor to the concept that reminds me of Gattaca, Brave New World, or even The Incredibles, with humans and superhumans living alongside each other in an uneasy balance. Avery’s situation is intriguing, especially in how she’s had to disguise herself by denying the gifts that make her special.

The use of the classroom setting and the teaser exercise succeeds in establishing the worldbuilding in a dynamic way from the get-go, although you might want to watch out for overuse of adjectives and adverbs. I had a few plot questions, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing since it means I’ve been drawn in by the story, especially if you do plan to answer them soon. Why does she not have a birthday? Surely “Jennifer” would need a fake birthday in order to even be enrolled, so why not simply celebrate that instead? Is the fact that it’s her real birthday why she’s dwelling on the idea of paranoia and envying her more social classmates? It seems unlikely that she wouldn’t have gotten used to it by now, even if she chafes at the restrictions of her alter ego, so pointing that out reduces the risk of her coming off as a bit mopey. Why does this disguise require her to be a loner, rather than hiding in plain sight? Her lack of connection to the other students seems like it might actually make her stand out more – is acting like a normal college freshman something she tried and found backfired? If Smarts are a fact of this society, why is there a whole course dedicated to them? What do students need to know now that they wouldn’t have picked up earlier in their lives?

I had some similar questions when reading the pitch, where clarity is a bit more important. The opening sentence is good, but how has this identification alone changed society in a different way than giving IQ tests to gifted children has? I’m also not sure what it means that the Smarts form groups called Bands. What do these groups do? It seems a little taken for granted that the reader will understand how separating out the Smarts (are they separated out?) is a bad or dangerous thing, but I think you need to make the connection a bit more explicit. Why does Avery need to go into hiding? It’s not clear that the reason is even related to being a Smart – is it because of who her parents are, or something that is done to Smart children? Where has she been living as Jennifer, and with whom? Giving us that information will help us to make assumptions about her character and how, for example, a childhood spent on the run without any real parental affection could shape her into an isolated and distrustful 18-year-old. You switch over to calling her Jennifer in the third paragraph, but I think that creates unnecessary confusion, and it makes sense to keep calling her Avery throughout.

Luke’s character is pretty intriguing, but I’m not sure what it means that he wants to overthrow his father – as a government leader? CEO? Family patriarch? Giving us those details will help ground the conflict and the worldbuilding in a way that simply calling him sinister and highly intelligent only vaguely describes. I think we also need to know why he needs Avery for his plan and how he recognizes her, since that implied development seems at odds with stashing her away in Wonder and Avery’s ability to maintain her disguise. I’m a little concerned that Luke seems to be a more active character than Avery, who seems to have things done to her (sent into hiding, kidnapped, told frightening secrets), but doesn’t seem to be driving the plot. You also might want to reword “intense attachment to her kidnapper,” which could come off as a bit more Stockholm Syndrome than romance, which is where I think you’re going with this based on the listing as New Adult Romance. Speaking of the genre, I’d also add Sci-Fi in there as well, since it seems to be such a big part of the story.

Thanks for the opportunity to read these pages and pitch. Hope these notes help!

Your pitch is okay but I agree that it needs to be clear why being a SMART is a bad thing. Also, you've pitched this as romance but I don't see very much romance here. I think you need to amp that up for this genre. Finally, I would reword the ending so it's clear the love interest is not an actual kidnapper. If she's supposed to possibly love him, he needs to be a good guy.

For the first 5 pages themselves, I think they are quite good but have a few comments:-I was thrown off by the word "paranoid" and kept expecting to find out someone had called her that. Is this supposed to be how she describes herself? If so, it's a little telling and would be stronger if you showed it more in her actions following. She should not be so open to Beach Bum. In fact, I would expect her to avoid sitting so close to someone.-I'm confused how she is in hiding but everyone knows who her parents are. Do you mean everyone knows who they are but not that they are HER parents? If so, who does she live with instead?-I think the first question that you use to demonstrate something only really SMART people would get is way too easy. Anyone with a good memory or the ability to count fast would get that right. I would recommend something more that only a truly brilliant person would get.-I'm a little confused why the non-SMART kids are in one of the most prestigious universities in the US. Has something happened in your world where it has become mediocre? If so, you either neither to establish this or use a made-up name.

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