17 Reasons Why You Should Never Go Camping

1. Bears!

Seriously, there are bears and all other kinds of deadly animals in the woods. They’re not in your cul-de-sac. They’re not hanging out in your basement. These guys are minding their own business in the woods and, for some reason, people want to keep going into their neighborhood and then they’re shocked when a bear eats them.

2. You’re sleeping on the ground.

You know how great it feels to sleep on your Serta Mattress every night with the fan on your face and blankets wrapped around you? Replace that mattress with the ground and everything else with dirt. That’s camping.

3. You’re probably going to get lost.

4. The Blair Witch lives in the woods.

Hey, you know how those three kids disappeared in the Blair Witch Project? A fun way they could have survived is by not going into the woods ever in their lives.

5. You can’t take a shower

If you’re actually camping and not sitting in an RV, there’s no way to take a shower. I don’t know about you but my pores can’t handle going a few days in the wilderness without some sort of cleansing.

6. THIS SPIDER WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU!

7. The weather is going to be uncomfortable

During the day it’s probably going to be hot, but nothing too unbearable. The problem is that at 3am it’s either going to be horribly hot and you’ll feel like you’re breathing in a furnace, or the temperature is going to drop and the sweat is going to turn to ice and you will slowly die. I’m sorry, it’s true.

8. You have to eat like a vagrant

S’Mores are good for a snack, but at some point you have to actually eat. The thing is, you’re probably going to have to eat a can of beans cooked over a fire or on a hot rock like Jodie Foster on “Nell” if she had a can opener.

9. You may have to get new friends

10. Going to the bathroom

Peeing may not be an issue, but once that awful can of clearance beans gets through your system and you realize you’re going to have to clean yourself with leaves, something the Charmin bears don’t even do, you realize this may not have been the best idea.

11. Camping neighbors are the worst

If you’re planning on a nice, quiet evening with your friends or loved ones, you’d better just plan on a bunch of bros throwing the rager of a lifetime 50 yards from where you’re trying to sleep. You either get that, or the creepy dude sleeping without a tent and sharpening a knife on a smooth stone. I’m not sure which is worse.

12. OH DID I MENTION DEMON SPIDERS ARE COMING TO CONSUME YOUR SOUL

13. You get to play a fun game called Bird or Bat?

It’s adorable when a cute little sparrow is perched next to your tent, but as the sun goes down those adorable wings don’t belong to birds anymore; they’re rabid air goblins that want to get inside your tent and end your life.

14. Your campfire either dies out immediately or gets WAY out of control

15. Every movie about camping ends the same way…

16. If you get hurt you’re in trouble

If you get hurt at your house you may have to wait 10-15 minutes for an ambulance to arrive. If you get hurt in the woods, you might as well have your friends roll your body into the river because you’re going to die.

17. YOU HAVE A HOME!

Seriously, there are people who love you and want to see you grow old. Why would you spend those days sleeping in a bag in the wilderness? We have wi-fi here, for crying out loud! WI-FI!