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Handing over the Reins

After the disastrous meeting yesterday, I am asked to attend another meeting today. Reluctant as I am, L asks me to come and so I agree. I meet with her case coordinator and the lead psychologist. C comes with me.

I explain my concerns at the lack of communication and the conflicting clinical views. They recognise, eventually, that this was poor and apologise. The importance of collaboration is stressed and I query how collaboration works if the views of a collaborator are dismissed without discussion. During the meeting it becomes clear how much they have misunderstood what I am trying to tell them. Her case co-ordinator wonders how she got it so wrong and I tell her it was because she didn’t ask, didn’t listen and made assumptions. She nods and accepts this and I respect her more for it.

But it feels too late to start again and I feel too ill and too broken. Just as L’s anorexic voice tells her she is fat and greedy, my depressive voice screams Failure at me. And this means I am no use to her. We agree that the unit will make all the decisions in consultation with her father and he will keep me informed. L comes in at this point and looks anxious and I tell her I am glad she is staying and that I am handing the reins to her dad for a while. This too feels like failure.

Then I visit my GP and I cry and cry. I cry so much I think the entire surgery hears. She listens and lets me cry. Then she tells me to go home and rest, signs me off for a fortnight and tells me to be kind to myself. I buy Mini Eggs and lie on the sofa with tea made by K and wish for the world to just stop.

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3 responses to “Handing over the Reins”

Will you let me join you on the sofa? You were so brave to go back in there, and I think you made some progress. Now time to re-charge. You are so often in my thoughts – stay strong. And whatever that lying voice in your head is telling you, remember it is as sneaky as Ed – you are NOT a failure. I admire you hugely and all that you’ve achieved. In time, you will be able to see that too, but for now you may have to take someone else’s word for it! (((Hug)))

Wow! Well done for going back to the unit. And you have clearly made some progress there and some decisions about how to move forward. I am absolutely staggered that one of the most clear and articulate women I know could have been so bady misunderstood by people who might be expected to be good at understanding.

I think you have made the right decision to hand over the reins to L’s father for the time being. You really do need to take time to be kind to yourself and to recover your own health. You’ve been fighting for too long on too many fronts and it’s no wonder you feel broken. The completely inappropriate behaviour of the vile male nurse towards you yesterday must have been the final straw. I do so hope he has been properly dealt with.

Now please do what your doctor says and rest, try to relax and let your loved ones take care of you for a while. I’ve been where you are, as you know, and it will get better even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. You are DEFINITELY NOT A FAILURE. And you haven’t failed L. But you are NOT a miracle worker either.

you show so much courage OMM, many people give up way before you, and you never gave up! L has other people who care for her. Use this time to relax, do something for you. You’ve worked so hard, and I know L will appreciate it, whether now or in the future. My mum has been through the mill with ED services too, and had to take time out when i was in hospital and step back, and I understood, as I’m sure L does. You’ve been a carer for so long, try to let yourself be cared for for a little while xx