Chirac 'jokes about British food' as he gobbles down African snails with vodka at G8 summit

Chirac thanks the stars for his starter of Giant African snails and vodka whilst most people live in poverty

Chirac, Schröder and Vladimir Putin have already set an appallingly bad example at the start of the G8 summit as they have been photographed eating to excess whilst others in the world go without food. The Giant African snails were flown into Gleneagles by French military jet as Chirac refused to tuck into the traditional British nosh that includes Haggis, Bread and Butter pudding and of course, sausages and mash.

Chirac's personnel chief was on hand to prepare the raw snails in the way that only the French president can appreciate and naturally, he shared his meal with Putin and Schröder who chucked in Vodka and sauerkraut into the scrumptious feast. The French chief gently coaxed the giant snails into a state of intense excitement until they were ready for Chirac to suck and lick the delicate taste of their most sensitive parts such as their antennae.

Putin was seen to try the taste of some of the extremities of the Giant African snails but subsequently was seen to be stuffing his mouth with huge quantities of sauerkraut followed by large gulps of Vodka as if the mixed taste of snail slime and excrement was not quite his favorite tipple. Gehart Schröder having observed Putin swallowing back vomit, wisely declined the French delicacy commenting "Wir only veat heavily in the morning in Germany."

The G8 summits are normally an excellent opportunity for international leaders to show off their national cooking skills whilst faking photo opportunities used to demonstrate superficial concern about poorer nations. This year has proved a real knee jerk affair as Toni and Cherie Blairs' Gleneagles Café has not yet won a single Michelin star for their cuisine of bacon butties and greasy tea.

Toni Blair was unavailable for comment regarding the latest French attack on the British mainland as he is currently on an ultra-intensive oriental cooking course in Singapore whereby he hoped to gain those kitchen skills that would really impress the other G8 leaders. However, the Labour Party was represented by Scottish Gordon Brown who declared "No worries, once the Frenchies and the rest have tasted my slug and cucumber sandwiches at lunch tomorrow, no one will ever knock our diet in public again."

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