last april the 11th my great auntie Pamela died from lung cancer/stroke/pneumonia (sp?) she sadly for me passed away at the worst time absolutely possible just 13 days after my best friend ever Jackie passed away shockingly & suddenly aged 35!! & also just a short while after enduring 2 horrific assaults in a space of 3 months!

Also the day she passed away was already quite a difficult day as it was, as it was the day i first met the love of my life who had ended up ripping my heart to shreds when he revealed he was gay!

So as you can imagine all that was absolutely painful & agonising as it is!

But what also didn't help was the fact that i had no one to help me through the pain/distress (the only person who i did have to turn to in times of stress having just passed away) & also that day I almost got run over by a maniacal driver speeding along round a corner!!

that left me under a lot of stress & caused me to break down in tears like you would not imagine!!

the other difficult things for me were that I had had to see her deteriorate for 4 & a half years of lung cancer & watch her continue to smoke despite her cancer & also going to appointments with her at the hospital & dealing with an insensitive mcmillan nurse too further added to my distress!!

add to that the fact that I had already been through similar when i was almost 11 years old & my nana Cynthia Passed away of breast cancer (i had to watch her painfully deteriorate over many long years & it was an agonising & scary thing for a child believe me!!)

then on top of all this i have been dealing with the anger & frustration that she carried on smoking!! It really annoys & angers me that she knew i have been through a life of absolute utter hell & seeing her sister deteriorate slowly & painfully for many years had left me extremelly scarred & scared of death! Plus all manner of other hells i have been through in my life (way way way too many to mention here & that is another thing altogether anyway) she was my only "decent" relative i had left!!

all others have either died or the other relatives i have that are alive are beyond horrible & don't care for nobody but themselves! they are a horrible spiteful backstabbing bunch!!

soo i have a lot of frustration that she would have the chemo etc but then continue to smoke!! what was the point of that for goodness sake??