Day 487 – How ego revenged on me

I used to own my own apartment. In the city of Stavanger. I bought it in 2005. In my social environment or home culture, it is cool and normal to talk about “getting into the real estate marked” – It is viewed as social security and status, to be a part of the real estate marked. To own yours own flat. When you own a apartment you are socially more secure. You have the wining ticked then sort of. The estate marked is stabile climbing where I live, in south western Norway, and rising where it is profitable to be a house owner.

As I said I used to be a house owner. I owned a apartment. In the City or Stavanger of Norway. I was at this time hooked on drugs and alcohol. It was not a cool situation. I was fucking my shit up, every weekend and then some. Starting a long time before I bought that apartment.

I bought the apartment with a government or local council support and funding. We have those cool economic programs in Norway that gives one the opportunity where society care for you sort of. With help from government founding and loans, I was a drug and alcohol addict. It was risky. Would I be able to keep the apartment ? I was not clean at all and in the back of my mind I thought only of this one thing: to sell my flat and spend my earnings.

I was constantly on the move in my mind. I would escape in dreams and with drugs. I was not happy because of my substance abuse and I would be blaming everyone but myself.

So ego totally revenged on me. I would start to drive out form my home to other parts of the country and also in Northern Europe. And even south America later on. I would rent out my apartment to old friends that needed a place to stay for short periods. I would rent it out for a month or two and I would travel. Travel and use drugs and drink. Not settling at all. Simply escaping. All the time.

So I rented out my apartment to a lady. Long time rent. And I started on a school, some 12 hour drive just north of my home town and my apartment. New environment and new ground. I started this school trying to settle within the social “rules” of this school and trying to fit in. Off course drugs were not allowed at the school. I would still be addicted and I would try to find ways to escape and do drugs. Finlay I quit the school after just 2 or 3 months. And at the same time I sold my apartment in Stavanger. My parents helped me out allot. The was lots to do with the apartment and while I was far away from my apartment, and responsibility and doing drugs instead, I would be selling my apartment. My parents helped me out and sold it for me. I was far from responsible with myself leaving it up to my parents to clean up my mess sort of.

Anyways I was given a rather large sum of money after selling the apartment. So I pretty fast bought myself a small, small, idyllic farm some 4 hours further north of the school. In the area of Norway where south meets north sort of. In Nord – Trøndelag – by a fjord and by the ocean. Really a nice, nice place.

I bought this farm and thought that now I am finally making my dream come true. I was now my own master sort of and I could live of the land and have dreams of harvesting nature and I would dream of being self – sufficient with agriculture.

Living of the grid.

But ego moves through energy. And I was still a addict to both drugs and alcohol. And my addiction would not let go that easy. So I started drinking and drugging more and more. It ended with me having to be forced into psychiatry. I was very fucked up at this point.

I was having major delusions, and seeing lots of freaky hallucinations from a combination of drug abuse and paranoia on a constant basis. I lost my driver’s license and I was in hospital along time.

Things where really starting to become complicated. And then I decided to sell my idyllic farm as well, after one year or so. I sold my farm and I was left with drug addiction, psychiatry, and alcohol addiction. It all ended with a ride through the familiar Amsterdam and Copenhagen “Christiania” – drugging and drinking, where I eventually where rescued by my parents -again – and putt on a plane back to home.

South western Norway. To summons up : I would sell my apartment that I bought for government founded loan. After that I later sold my little idyllic farm. So you can for sure say the my ego totally revenged on me. I was left in the basement at my parents place. Recovering. And from there I started to clean up my mess. I would be starting writing with desteni.org. And I would start to commit myself and my process more and more with the desteni I process pro and also later blogging like this here.

What I learned, looking back is that I lost a very, very cool loan or application from the government program. From the government of that I was given. I lost and used up some 200 000 kroner’s. Or 30 000 dollars on drugs and escapism. Ego head its revenge. I was starting from scratch again. Living in my parents apartment and staying free of drugs and alcohol was now my goal and interest.

So I learned and I am still learning to be responsible to be here as breathe so within so without. breathing every second being here, and breathing with complete awareness in everything that I would do. Talking responsibility for my thoughts words and deeds as they are the same.

I lost allot of money. My parents proved their love for me over and over again. They saved my life, as all I thought of was drugs and escaping. Running away from responsibilities and chores. I had to start from scratch and I realized that. It have been one rough ride. I am glad my days of drugs and alcohol are gone. I am ready to be responsible and to change.

I commit myself to stabilize myself here as breathe and as awareness in everything that I will ever do on this planet.

And with the helping tools that desteni provided for me I would start my process from scratch and learn to walk again. Literally.

I commit myself to be aware that my thoughts, words and deed as they are the same and to do against my fellow man as I would like to be done unto myself . To give as you would like to receive.

I commit myself to be responsible with myself. 100% of the time. Are you ready to take responsibility for yourself ? To learn to forgive yourself ?