May 12, 2012

As a relatively new
mother, I'm still figuring out my role – in the house, in the
family, in the workplace, in the business world, in the mothering
world and in my own sense of self.

It's a nuanced,
complex and challenging place to be. But, it's my place to be. And in this place, I'd like to think I am fully thinking, and feeling, my way
through it all -- my own way through it all.

But the last few
weeks, a debate has been building online and off that insinuates
otherwise – that seems to claim that in fact, my decisions as a
mother are made from a place of influence, or fear, or insecurity.

So, I'll say this
as eloquently as I can right now: Hooey. Pure, freaking, hooey.

Let me just go
ahead and save you the trouble of answering the rhetorical questions
raised by this firestorm of pre-Mother's Day media, by these so-called
“mom wars.” (Really? Inflame much? “Wars?”)

First to the most
recent question – the one posited on the cover of Time Magazine:
“Are You Mom Enough?”

The answer is: Yes.
No matter if you're an “attached parent” or not, the answer is
yes. You are mom enough.

Ok, that's done.

Secondly, to the
question raised by the debate over Elisabeth Badinter's book – the
question of “Has Modern Motherhood Undermined Women?”

And what's worse –
women participating in this crap -- women spitting at each other from
across imaginary boundaries between the right way and the wrong way
to be a mother, or a woman.

It's an old tactic,
you know, making women think that the real
enemy is each other.

And, we're so quick
to take the bait, aren't we? (You need to look no further than that Time cover to see the evidence of "bait." See what they're doing there with that cover? To use “war” terminology, it's a blatant attempt to incite violence. And, I've been so disappointed to see, all over, that it's working.)

It's either:

Oh, so you make all your own baby
food? You're probably totally be judging me for the Goldfish cracker
I just fed my kid, but you know what? Screw off, you're the one doing
it wrong.

Or:

So, your kid sleeps through the
night? In his own crib? And, I bet you think I'm totally enabling my kid by sleeping with her, don't you? But, you
know what? Screw off, you're the one doing it wrong.

You've all heard
some versions of these conversations, right? I have. Both of them.
Both in my own head.

But here's a little
secret: that piously “attached” mom you think you see? The one so
comically portrayed in these discussions? (The one chasing her kid around the playground with the homemade marmalade?) Or, the similarly ridiculously-crafted depiction of the BabyWise-reading mom who reportedly lets her 6-week-old
cry for 3 hours straight to teach the baby to to self soothe?

They're just
snippets of women made into caricatures -- caricatures that make for convenient news stories about "wars." Caricatures that are easy to use -- either to make blanket judgements against other women or to create
imaginary judges of ourselves.

Are we that
insecure about our own mothering? That we have to tear each other
down to validate our own choices? That we see judgement in every
parenting decision that is not the one we've chosen?

Why have we evolved
to celebrate all manners of diversity within our gender except within
motherhood?

It's at once
intensely personal and communal. Instinctual, but also intellectual.

It ties into our
deepest, deepest sense of self. It's our womanhood. It's our legacy. We have a little life in our hands. It is the most
important thing we will ever do.

But, it's also something with which
we can never truly measure our success. That makes us vulnerable. We
want a right and a wrong way. We want measurement. We want studies.
We want labels. We want something that can take this big, sticky,
uncomfortable thing and make it nice and neat and black and white.

That is why we are
so quick to buy into the belief that there are “sides” to
mothering. Camps to join. Gurus to follow.

But we're
destroying each other, our children and ourselves by thinking that.

Because when it
comes right down to it, parenting is really about feeling your way in
the dark, even in this modern, intellectualized,
information-overloaded world. The true trick to parenting is that there
are no tricks. If at first, you do no harm (and protect your children from harm), then you are Mom
enough. The rest -- and how you do it -- is purely personal.

And, certainly,
what we read or hear or listen to is bound to influence how we
approach parenting, but just how we approach it. We all need
information and we have it and use it. But, to insinuate that outside information – outside
influence -- is the pure reason we mother the way we mother, is to
tell us that we aren't thinking for ourselves. (Talk about an idea
that undermines women.)

I parent the way I
parent not because of some book or some guru or because of my "situation in life" or because of something I fear or something I have to prove, or
some trend I'm following -- as if making the world-shaking day-to-day
decisions of parenting is somehow akin to picking out shoes.

I parent by the
heart, not by the book.

And I can honestly
say that every other mother I know does the same – whether we
bottle feed or breastfeed, co-sleep or use a crib, cloth diaper or disposables, make our own baby food or buy it -- we're all doing
what we feel is best, and what works for our children, our families and ourselves.

No one is allowed
to put us into camps for any of those choices, individual or
combined. No one is allowed to label us for them. And no one is
allowed to define the value of our motherhood based upon them and them alone. Not
experts, not doctors, not magazine articles, not authors, not
grandmothers, aunts or uncles.

3 comments:

"It's an old tactic, you know, making women think that the real enemy is each other."

So true. That was my first thought seeing this cover.And this tactic extends to every corner of human relations. Wars between mothers, wars between spouses, wars between parents and their children, wars, wars.... It's such an effective tool to keep us down and compliant when we can't even trust and support one another.

wow. amazing that I came across this post on FB! only to find that I absolutely adore your blog and can identify with every single post. I am a soon-to-be rural MT farmer (Clyde Park, MT), stay-at-home mother of 2, part-time RN, wife to a DIYer, local food enthusiast, breastfeeding nazi, and an ice cream bowl thrower! i am so pleased to have found your blog!! So nice to find good people doing good things. You can check my family out at