Question 3. Your baby’s first word is a four-letter
obscenity. What do you do?

A. Investigate the source of your baby’s exposure to
such profanity and take steps to stop it

B. Wash your baby’s mouth out with soap

C. Slap your baby and, using profanity for emphasis,
reprimand them for using such language

D. Figure your baby is the son/daughter of Satan and
bury it alive in the backyard

Question 4. Your child comes to your room in the night
complaining that there is a monster under their bed. What do you do?

A. Using logic and a calm tone of voice, reassure your
child that their bedroom is a safe place. Take the time to demonstrate that no
such monster is beneath their bed. Do not allow them to sleep in your bed

B. Repeat your child’s request back to them imitating
their voice in a derisive manner and order them back to their room. Tell
them that your work is very important and how essential your getting a good
night of uninterrupted sleep is – so they’ll be that much less skeptical when
you slip under their bed late at night later in the week and begin shaking the
frame and making feral growling noises

C. Gladly allow them to sleep in your bed – this is
your chance to score

D. Tell them that the monster is Satan but he’ll leave
them alone as long as they don’t fondle their genitals

Question 5. Your eight-year-old daughter asks you if you
think she looks fat. What do you do?

A. Reassure her that she looks normal. Do your
best to instill in your child a healthy disposition that promotes good health
over contemporary superficial standards of beauty

B. Critically evaluate your child’s body. Using a
laser pointer, point out any “trouble spots” and recommend exercises that might
be useful in fixing them

C. Tell your daughter that it’s your family’s genes
that make you all fat, not the 5,000 calories you consume everyday in front of
the TV

D. Beat her for wasting her time consumed with her own
vanity (a deadly sin) when she should be serving Jesus

Question 6. You find illegal drugs in your teenager’s
room. What do you do?

A. Talk with your child to determine the reasons for
and extent of his/her drug use. Explain the dangers of drugs and emphasize that
they won’t be tolerated in your house. If their problem is serious, seek
professional help

B. Determine whether the drugs are in fact your drugs.
If they are, severely reprimand the child and take them back. If they aren’t,
just take them

C. Make your child take all the drugs you found at
once so they’ll never want to take drugs again

D. Ship your child off to a monastery

Question 7. Your child informs you that they think they
might be homosexual. What do you do?

A. Assure them that you’ll love and support them
unconditionally regardless of their sexual orientation

B. Throw yourself out the window

C. Ask if you can watch

D. Disown your child and never speak of them again. If
you must speak of them again for some reason, refer to them as a ‘dung eating
dog’.

Answer Key

Question
1
Question
2
Question
3
Question 4

A. +3
points
A. +3
points
A. +3
points
A. +3 points

B. –3
points
B. +1
points
B. –3
points
B. –3 points

C. –3
points
C. –3
points
C. –5
points
C. –3 points

D. –5
points
D. –5
points
D. –5
points
D. –5 points

Question
5
Question
6
Question 7

A. +3
points
A. +3
points
A. +3 points

B. –3
points
B. +50 points
B. –3
points

C. –5
points
C. –5
points
C. –3 points

D. –5
points
D. –5
points
D. –5 points

Score Assessment:

15-68 points: Throw away those condoms and perforate
those diaphragms – you’d make a fine parent.

0-14 points: You won’t make a great parent, but as
long as the child isn’t genetically defective it shouldn’t end up going around
killing people as an adult, which is the least the rest of us can ask for.

Less than 0: (<0 would’ve been used here, but we
all know your kind wouldn’t know what that means – ed.) Not only would you
make a terrible parent, you shouldn’t be left to manage your own affairs.
In all fairness, people like you should be given five years to kill yourself as
part of a mass cult suicide before being placed on a reservation surrounded by a
tall electric fence.