Savage Love

Hey, Dan:
Your response to the fat couple with the lackluster sex life was no better or worse than most of the mainstream media's information about fat people...which is to say, it was incorrect, unhelpful and silly. I'm a happy, healthy fat chick. My boyfriend is a happy, healthy fat guy. I'm an adorable 270 pounds, and he's a sexy 350 or so. We enjoy an active, varied and satisfying sex life.

Now, I'm guessing that your first reaction is to express concern about our health. I hate to disappoint you, but we're both healthy! We exercise regularly, eat our veggies, and we floss. It might reassure you to know that the lad and I both have perfectly normal blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol levels. Life is much better out of the fat closet. Before I came out, I used to worry that my lovers would notice my fat butt; now I make sure they notice it. I don't allow that number on the scale to keep me from any of the joys of life, and that most definitely includes the joys of sex.

For more information on the fat revolution, check out the new book FAT!SO?, from Ten Speed Press, written by me.

Marilyn Wann

Hey, Marilyn:
Oh, please. If you're happy fat, that's fine, and if your fat ass isn't getting in the way of your joy, have a Snickers bar. But the guy I was responding to wasn't happy, and fat was messing with his joy. He took issue with his wife's fat ass, and to make everything equal, I took issue with his. I've read FAT!SO?, and I recommend it. But you have a political agenda (get happy fat!) while I have an advice agenda (unhappy fat? Lose some weight). Yes, we need to be more accepting of difference. Personally, I think the new mega-Monica looked great on Saturday Night Live. But advising adults whose tastes have been shaped by forces beyond anyone's control to learn to love fat asses--well, that isn't particularly realistic or helpful.

On the health side, being too fat--like being too thin--can endanger your health. Fat is a risk factor only, which means a fat person may never actually suffer an obesity-related illness (though you don't see many 270 pound little old ladies running around, do you?). That you and the boyfriend are currently healthy doesn't mean obesity isn't potentially harmful. Think of it like this: None of my friends who smoke have cancer--at the moment. If you're comfortable fat and comfortable with the attendant risks, then you don't need my advice or anyone else's. Like my friends who smoke, it's your business. But the guy who wrote me wasn't happy and did need my advice. So?

Hey, Dan:
Considering how quick you are to whine about stupidity in others, you show an amazing surplus. That an "average serving" of semen is anything close to five tablespoons is preposterous. To claim that something that is over 80 percent water has more calories by volume than pure sugar (16 calories per teaspoon) is equally preposterous. And where did you get the 17g of fat figure from? The "average serving" is about one teaspoon. Take away the water and the "residue," and what you have left is a mixture of protein and sugar. At a whopping 4 calories per gram for proteins and 8 calories for pure fats, we're not even up to 2 calories if the guy was shooting Crisco.

MWG

Hey, MWG:
Right you are. Somehow my research assistant Kevin confused the fat and calorie content in two servings of creme frache with that in one serving of come. We all make mistakes from time to time, and I rely on Kevin to make mine for me.

Hey, Dan:
About dirty pictures: I worked at three different film-processing companies. At Walgreen's, censorship was left to the operators. If I wanted to print pictures of an orgy, that was my right. Employees in the lab would, however, call other store employees over to gawk or laugh at people's pictures. After Walgreen's, I was hired at a Ritz Camera lab. We would get nude pictures all the time, and we treated them like any other pictures. Then I went to work for a photography studio where everyone wore ties. It seemed very professional, but...nude pictures were ARCHIVED by several of the employees, distributed to other stores and put up on people's Web pages. A PROFESSIONAL STUDIO! If you want to make sure no one is stealing your pictures, go to a lab where you can see prints being made (to prevent them from making duplicates), and ask ahead of time about censorship.

RW

Hey, RW:
Good advice, but folks with digital cameras don't have to worry about where their film is developed, and unless they e-mail them to someone untrustworthy, their pics won't wind up on some pervert's Web site. Go digital.

Hey, Dan:
Your test of Wal-Mart photo developers doesn't sound scientific. You took pics of yourself kissing your boyfriend and your sister. How are the film developers supposed to know she is your sister? They can see the homosexuality, but unless you've got a sign over her saying "MY SISTER," they have no way of spotting the incest.

Pierre

Hey, Pierre:
Got me there. Our Wal-Mart test had fatal flaws, which is Kevin's fault, of course. We were able to salvage our experiment, though. We took some pictures of a dog kissing me (lots of tongue) and sent them to a Wal-Mart in Maine. Soon we'll know whether Wal-Mart is pro-bestiality.

Hey, Dan:
Your advice to the woman who didn't like the taste of come to get used to it and swallow sucked. A far better response would have been to spit.

Agnew

Hey, Agnew:
Come on. The woman I advised to acquire a taste for come didn't want to swallow because she didn't like the taste. Your tastebuds are on top of your tongue, toward the front of your mouth. If you allow your partner to come in your mouth, then hold the come in your mouth before spitting, where's the come? Right on top of your tastebuds. Either you get used to the taste or refrain from letting people come in your mouth...unless...you can jam his cock down your throat when he starts to come. That way, the come will shoot straight into your stomach, and your tastebuds will be spared.

Hey, Dan:
One day the world will discover that you make up your letters. Some of your advice is enlightening, but you tell lies like the rest of the commercial world. Why don't you at least make an effort to do a legitimate column?

Disappointed

Hey, Disappointed:
Why would you waste time baring false witness--accusing me of making up my letters--when the truth is so much more damning? First, while there are lies in my column, they're generally not in the questions; they're in the answers. Second, I'm lazy. Writing the questions as well as the answers would mean more work for me. Like all legitimate advice columnists, my readers write half my column. I write the other half, but I get all the money. That's the way it works in this part of the commercial world, and that's the way I like it.