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Coping with Christmas

Harriette Bence rides a "private tsunami" of sadness her family and friends can't see, feel or fix.

Waves of tears come one after the other, along with those involuntarily memories of her son David Burns.

The last visit. The phone call. His words.

"It will never be over with and gone," Bence said of the pain.

She is not the only one struggling in the wake of her son's death Dec. 20, 2004. Her acquaintances seem troubled, as well.

Bence spies their scurrying at the store, listens as they avoid saying David's name, and clocks their leaving a room when she arrives.

That he died by suicide polarizes her even more, with Bence's imagination pointing arrows at the grieving mother in the crowd.

Family-based holidays add to the anxiety on both sides. She expects a Christmas party appearance with husband, Dennis, will be a challenge.

"My biggest fear is that I will make people uncomfortable," Bence said. "I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me. They can't make me feel any worse."

Counselors often hear similar remarks from people coping with the loss of a loved one. While families and friends can find some peace in talking openly about those who have died, many people often shy away from such discussion.

Avoiding the difficult topic can lead to feelings of emptiness.

"It's on everybody's mind. You're afraid of upsetting a person if you bring it up," said Millie Calhoun, medical social worker with St. Mary's Hospice Services. "It makes the person feel more lonely if you never said (anything and) act like everything is fine. They walk away like nobody remembers."

Typically, the holiday season is tougher for survivors, she said. A simple act such as baking sugar cookies can touch off a bittersweet recollection and buckle someone facing a month of Christmas memories.

Furthermore, the daily routines that anchor a grief-stricken person are jumbled with December days filled with extra chores, parties and family events.

"You're supposed to feel happy during this time. You're supposed to have all of your family close to you during this time," Calhoun said. "You're supposed to have everyone come home. And your person is not coming home."

Calhoun, who mainly works with relatives of Hospice patients, explored some of these subjects during a holiday grief and coping workshop held last week at St. Mary's. Much of the educational portion of her talk rings true for the network of acquaintances who don't know what to say.

Simply acknowledging the loss is a start - for family and friends.

"At least you have paid tribute to this person, (you) didn't just ignore them," Calhoun said.

Light a candle on the dinner table. Place a rose on the mantle. Play that person's favorite song. Or, simply tell a story about the person's life, she suggests.

That is what Linda Phillips encourages during group sessions she leads at Nui's Space, named in memory of her son who died in 1996.

Aside from offering musicians an affordable way to seek help for clinical depression as well as rehearse, the nonprofit offers group sessions for the relatives and friends of suicide victims.

A death is a profound loss to loved ones, no matter the circumstances.

"We need to teach people how to deal with us," Phillips said. "Do you really think you can make me feel any worse? We've been to the bottom."

She openly talks about her son Nui, focusing on his life rather than his death in her grief.

Bence, a participant in the group Phillips leads, tries to do the same with her David.

A well-liked, sensitive man of 38 years, David Burns loved Nascar, golf and screamed 'Roll Tide!' when watching the University of Alabama football team. Most of all, he loved his daughters, Karrah, 9, and Kalin, 6.

Stories told about her son are when Bence finds her smile, again.

"People don't need to be afraid to talk to you or see you coming and go down another way in the grocery store because they don't know what to say," Bence said. "They don't have to say that much other than, 'I'm thinking about you.'"

More meaningful than that, she remembered, was the gentle touch on her shoulder from a woman who softly referred to Bence's boy.

"I'm so sorry for your son."

Ways to cope - as friends and family

 Plan a special remembrance such as lighting a candle on the dinner table or visiting the grave site. Setting aside a time and a place for such a tribute is respectful. It can also help focus surviving loved ones on enjoying each other.

 Don't be afraid to break tradition. If traveling or turning over the hosting or cooking duties will ease the pressure of holiday grief, explain the situation to family members and do it.

 Talk about the person who has died. Both loved ones and friends will find meaning and solace in the memory.