I AM THE WORLD’S WORST LESBIAN

It’s true. I don’t do anything like a normal feminist lesbian would. And I AM A FEMINIST LESBIAN.

First: I like men. I like men so much it’s pathetic. I like how they smell. I like how they feel when they’re next to you. I like how SIMPLE THEY ARE. And I don’t mean dumb, but guys are so not complicated. GUYS SEE BOOBS AND GET EXCITED. That’s what I mean by simple. Women see a naked guy and think: 1: He’s cute. 2: Do I want him to be the father of my children? 3: Could I spend the rest of my life with him? 4: I wonder how much a wedding costs these days. 5: I need to get Modern Brides Magazine. 6: I forgot what I was doing before this. 7: Huh, well, I’m sure it wasn’t important.

Secondly: I love other people’s children. I love to hold them and play with them. I love to find fun gifts for them. When my gay wife and I were at a fancy restaurant once, this couple came in with a one year old, and you would’ve thought they had leprosy. When they sat next to us, they said, “Sorry.” And we said, “Are you kidding? We love kids!” We proceeded to engage him our whole meal. The other thing is, there is something about my gay partner that BABIES AND CHILDREN LOVE. I am not kidding. Time and time again she walks into a room filled with people and in about two minutes. children have gravitated toward her. I have seen children toddle across a crowded restaurant, their arms outstretched, toward her. They are never disappointed when they arrive. They are swept up and doted on.

Third: I love my Christian neighbors. We live across the street from a religious seminary and the entire neighborhood is dense with Christians. We happen to live with them on all sides. They have been very kind to us, helping us out with yard work when my partner was gone 24/7 for the first 6 weeks after 9/11 (she’s a federal agent with the FAA). We have helped them out by securing free tickets to Disney and the Universal Tour, or finding “chores” we need done that we can oay the kids to do. Our neighbors on the other side, when I moved in, Raffi, the husband, who owns a window cleaning business, came over and cleaned our windows for FREE. They are Armenian, and his parents live with them. I know they think we will end up in hell, but they have NEVER preached to us or treated us with anything but kindness and respect. Recently, we surprised his three little kids with brand new bicycles outside their Jesus Manger on Christmas morning. Raffi had had a very hard year financially, and the kids Christmas was going to be lean. J woke me up at 6 am yelling: They’re up! And we snuck outside, put the bikes by the manger then ran back and turned on the video camera. I then spent 2 hours running my fat ass up and down the sidewalk as they learned to ride. On New Year’s Eve, Raffi’s wife and smallest child brought a tart over that clearly said: To J and C, Love, Raffi and Family. We love them. They love us.

Fourth: I love the Howard Stern Show. I think he’s funny. And when I don’t like what he’s saying, or when it gets too dumb, I CHANGE THE STATION. Yeah, weird how easy that is. I had been a fan for years when a star I was working with was on as a guest. I had told this star, BEFORE he went on: DO NOT TELL HIM I’M A LESBIAN. Because the first thing he will say is: “Is she hot?” And I know the answer. And it’s not one you want to hear on national radio. But, sure enough, said star OUTTED ME. ON NATIONAL RADIO. He mentioned my name and then said: “She doesn’t like men.” Howard said: You mean she’s a lesbian?” Star: “Yeah.” Howard: “Well that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like men. And then he said, “Let’s just change the subject, she probably doesn’t want to be outted on national radio.”

Fifth: I am a staunch old school feminist who was raised with brothers and I believe men have been getting as raw a deal as women in the last ten years. Here’s why: There is this very polarizing ideology of feminism which is not about EQUALITY but about: WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN MEN. Women talk like this all the time. Like about how dumb men are and how the female way of approaching problems and feelings is superior to the male model. I mean, this is ridiculous and insulting. I have brothers. They have feelings. They are both very smart. The difference between men and women is BIOLOGICAL. It has nothing to do with being smarter or dumber, it is about two different brains that contain two very different hormones and how those hormones drive thought and behavior. THESE chemicals and biological drives were wired that way for a reason. Long before we became agrarian, God, or Evolution, created really muscle-y hunters who could defend against attacks on the family and who NEEDED TO MATE EARLY AND OFTEN to ensure that the species did not die out. Hence: Testosterone. It makes men strong, fast, and loaded for bear. It also makes them very visual. They need to be able to pick out the best of the females in order to have the strongest offspring. So: BOOBS=ERECTION. WOMEN on the other hand, needed to BOND with their baby, and IN ORDER FOR HER TO SURVIVE, she needed to stay with one mate, who would care for her and their baby. IN THE WILD, WHEN A FEMALE APE’S MATE DIES, THE NEW MATE OFTEN KILLS THE OLD MATE’S OFFSPRING. So, there is no advantage for women to change partners. They are biologically wired for monogamy. Hence: Estrogen. Now, I believe in the same way we have created entire systems for honoring the female path, we need to learn some kind of respect for the male model. I’ve been able to do it and I’m an angry feminist dyke, surely other women can find a way (see number one above). And, if you are not yet convinced, let me say this one last thing in defense of men: No, they don’t talk about their feelings very much, but they work, and bring home paychecks, and love their kids. I have a gay wife, and I have a mother who lives nearby, and I am responsible for seeing that they have enough money to pay bills. I don’t mind this. I make a great deal of money. My partner does work, but I like for her to have extras. With my mother, I am expected to climb on the roof in the pounding rain if there is a leak in her roof. I pay her mortgage, any and all repairs, her utilities and handle any and all electronics breakdowns and hookups. In the last year I came to the realization that I am apparently the guy. And it gave me a new respect for how so many men do these things and never really say anything. Finally, let me say, in all the mudslides in California, in a number of instances, men, passing by, jumped into a barreling mudslide/raging floodwaters to snatch children out of the jaws of certain death. I’m not saying women WOULDN’T do this, but I am saying, MEN CAN. One father dug and dug desperately thinking he could clear tons of earth and reach his family. Again, not that a woman wouldn’t, but don’t tell me men are dumb and can’t express their feelings.

That’s my rant for today. I am lucky that I love both men and women, life is so much better with both of them.