Dating Maze #339: Dating Anxiety

Things are going great, but I'm terrified of what might happen next.

I am 27 years old and have had a very good life so far. I have a loving, accepting family, many friends, and no issues or problems to speak of. I have been on the dating scene for a little while now, and have been going out with a really great guy for the past few months. I find him genuine, sensitive, smart, attractive, and with life goals very similar to mine.

My problem is that I'm scared! I worry that every date will be the last, even though I can tell he is interested in me. When I hear the details of how a friend of mine was proposed to, I get nervous when I imagine it happening to me. When my friends tell me about how well their dating lives are going, I am thrilled for them and want to hear details of what’s going on, etc. But when it's me as the main character, I get very nervous and can't deal with it!

This is holding me back from becoming emotionally involved with this man and I want to get over this. Why do I believe that these romantic stories can happen to anybody else, but not to me?

Talya

Dear Talya,

It’s easy for us to see why you’re feeling anxious about the relationship you’re building with this young man. The idea of deciding that a particular person will be the one you will marry and spend your entire life with, is indeed scary. In fact, when it comes to such momentous steps in life, most “normal” people feel some anxiety!

They’ll wonder if their looks will appeal to the person they’re meeting for the first time, and if someone they’ve been dating a while will like what they’re wearing. They’ll wonder whether if and when they’ll start to feel a connection with the person they’re dating, and once they do, they’ll worry whether he feels the same way. As the dating gets more serious, they may worry that things are going too well, or what their first argument means, or how the other person will react to a deeply personal revelation.

Your friends may only seem to be floating through courtships.

Most daters have concerns like these, and it is very likely that your friends, who seem to be floating through their courtships, are experiencing many of the same worries that you’ve expressed in your letter. Some of them may be just as anxious as you are, but are doing a good job of hiding their feelings because they don’t want other people to know what they are going through.

It seems that you spend more time dwelling your anxious thoughts than many of your friends do because by nature, you’re more of a worrier than they are. It’s important for you to understand that someone who tends to be more anxious than others about many aspects of life is likely to be more anxious about dating, too. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you – some people are simply more sensitive in this area than others. But it does mean that you will need to learn techniques to calm yourself and lessen the intensity of your worrying.

Tips & Techniques

Here are a few suggestions to help you in this area:

First, make sure you have someone you can talk to regularly about your dating. It should be someone who’s been married for at least a few years, who has a good attitude about marriage and a lot of common sense, and whom you feel comfortable confiding in. Experience has shown that most daters benefit from having a mentor to answer their questions and share a married person’s perspective. An anxious dater can particularly benefit from someone who can help them understand whether they’re experiencing free-floating anxiety, or if there is a genuine concern that needs to be addressed.

Write down what specifically makes you feel anxious.

That “free-floating” anxiety seems to be what you’re grappling with right now, meaning that it isn’t based on anything concrete, but on general worries about what might happen in the unknown future. It will be helpful for you to spend some time figuring out exactly what you worry about. Set some time aside, grab a notebook or pad and a couple of pens. Think about each of your dates, and write down exactly what occurred on the date that caused you to feel anxious. If you are feeling anxious about future dates, write down what specific thoughts make you feel anxious. When you’re finished, review you list and see if there is a common theme of anxiety triggers.

Your next step will be to find ways to deal with this anxiety. One way is to talk about the specific triggers and themes with your mentor, discussing what’s so scary about them, and how you might be able to use a “reality check” to respond to each fear. Many people find that this technique helps to lessen their anxious feelings.

Another way to keep yourself from dwelling on anxious thoughts is to introduce distractions. You can try something that occupies your hands as well as your mind – crafts, needlework, poetry or baking. Exercise is also a great way of calming anxiety, so consider taking a walk, riding your bicycle, or swimming laps. Reading, listening to music, or playing a video game may also work for you.

Another very effective technique is to try to “be” in the present. Take one day at a time, appreciating the moment, and try very hard not to project what the future will hold. This technique can be very helpful when you’re on a date. If you start to think about what the man you’re dating will do next, or if he might be the right person for you, push the thought away and make yourself focus on what the two of you are doing, talking about, hearing, seeing, tasting, and experiencing.

By implementing these suggestions, you may not become 100% worry-free, but you should see a big improvement. If you decide you’ll do better with a professional’s help, look for a therapist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy to help reduce anxiety.

Genuine Concern

Until now, we’ve given you suggestions about handling the kind of generalized worry that many people experience when dating. We realize that, in the course of doing the writing exercise we suggested, you may discover that something you’re worried about has a concrete basis. It could be a disagreement you had, something he did to upset you, or an issue you believe needs to be discussed. Here’s where your mentor can also be a big help. She can help you look at the issue from different perspectives, and help you decide how to deal with it on your own or together with this young man.

The important thing to remember is that dating can be a scary time, and many people are just as anxious as you are. We hope that you’ll use our suggestions, and will move forward through the dating maze with confidence, and (relatively) worry-free.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(5)
Anonymous,
April 30, 2012 4:39 AM

From the Original Poster

Hi everyone, I am the one who originally asked this question. I just wanted to share that Baruch Hashem I am engaged now, not to this man, but the right one. They say hindsight is 20/20, and now I see that his goals weren't as matched up with mine as I thought. This fact was apparently bothering me, although I didn't know it consciously. You may wonder how I didn't realize that we had different goals; the truth is that I realized we had disagreements, I was just not able to distinguish between healthy differences of opinion (which will occur between any two people) and substantial differences in life goals. Sometimes a mentor will not help! For example, he wanted something for his future kids that I was not crazy about (religiously speaking). My mentors did not have the same sensitivity towards this as I did and assured me it was not a big deal, so I continued to see him. I realize now that I am engaged (to the right person) that it really was a very big deal, as it represented a difference in lifestyle. My challenge was to discern the differences that were too big for me to handle, that were holding me back. Hashem, in His kindness, finally took the struggle away from me (after a few years on the dating scene) and presented me with the man who so clearly was everything I needed. I only wish the same clarity for everyone else who is dating. Thank you, Rosie and Sherry, for all your help.

Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 12:27 AM

Mazel tov! It's so nice to hear what happens in the end, and I'm so glad it worked out for you. You and your husband should always feel as happy and have the same amount of clarity as you do now!

(4)
JT,
September 12, 2011 12:29 PM

Dating anxiety is real and something we need to focus on

I deal with this on a daily basis in my work as a dating coach, and I really like your post.
Dealing with social anxiety is something guys really need to focus on in order to improve the quality of their dating (and everyday) life. It’s inevitable that we’re going to have to deal with these negative thoughts, but it’s how we deal with it that counts.

(3)
David,
August 21, 2011 4:52 PM

Embrace Uncertainty

Embrace uncertainty and replace it with faith. I don't know why this works and it does not mean the emotions will be easy, but it does.
I was raised by a single mother who taught me to be to be strong mentally without any bottom line and to consider fear with the derision it deserves.
I did not realize what a gem I had as mother. I have during my adult life. Health and wisdom are the most precious of all.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 12, 2011 12:12 AM

Another Idea!

I deal with free floating anxiety and what works for me is to come up with the worst (funny) case scenario. My ideas were negative so Rosie and Shari wouldn't like them, but they got me through and I had things to make me laugh.

(1)
Yaakov,
August 10, 2011 2:46 PM

True wisdom - not a quick fix

As someone who struggles with Anxiety I have to say that it's amazing to see all the remedies I have discovered through painstaking trial-and-error summarized so beautifully in one article.
A word of advice though: All the tips are simply golden - take advantage BUT realize that they are not necessarily easy to implement.
I don't mean that to discourage. Quite the contrary, the way to succeed is to understand that there is no magic pill.
Finding that great mentor needs hard work and Mazal.
The same can be said for developing that perfect outlet (jogging works decently for me but I am still searching for a better routine).
Like all things that matter in life this requires hard work but you can take comfort in the fact that the advice listed is truly the right formula (...plus a good dose of daily prayer IMO). Accept your challenge and incorporate this article and you WILL see great improvement. You CAN do it.

Anonymous,
August 12, 2011 7:18 PM

Comfort

Yaakov, what you wrote alleviated some of the pain that I had experienced from a past relationship in which the person I was dating had suffered from anxiety. There is hope for everybody. Thank you.

This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

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