Yesterday whilst I was taking my imaginary dog for a walk along the river, my attention was drawn to a flock of Seagulls cawing Mine! Mine! Mine! At the rivers edge. Naturally I made my way over the embankment and down to the river for a closer look.

Once I was down at the river I discovered that the gulls were fighting over a brown bottle that had seemingly washed up on the shore. Closer investigation revealed that the brown bottle had some rolled up parchment or canvas sticking out of its top.

Once I jimmy rigged forensic lab like conditions I broke the seal and gasped as the truly heinous nature of this mysterious relic was revealed for within - a canvas wanted poster revealed that my past had caught up with me and I was a wanted man.

WANTED

The Pirate who thinks Dracula would probably defeat a shark in a straight fight.

Putting an octopus on their head and pretending to be Medusa one too many times for it to be funny anymore.

REWARD

84,160 Doubloons

I was shocked - pretending to be Medusa with a living octopus hairdo is a most hilarious past time and has scared crews up and down the Caribbean straight I tells ya.

But humiliated! At the same time as I worked out that One Doubloon weighs 6.77 grams and the reward for my capture was 84,160 Doubloons. So at today’s gold price, that means that I am now worth a mere £638,285,760. My capture is worth easily double or even triple that! Aggghhhhhrrrr!!!!!

And yes of course Dracula would beat a shark. A regular vampire would beat a regular shark but a vampiric shark would beat a regular vampire. There would of course be some variance on the outcome dependant on the age of the two combatants, regardless Dracula is of the direct bloodline and for all debate purposes would easily beat a shark.

The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists release date: 28 March 2012

In The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists, Hugh Grant stars in his first animated role as the luxuriantly bearded Pirate Captain – a boundlessly enthusiastic, if somewhat less-than-successful, terror of the High Seas. With a rag-tag crew at his side (Martin Freeman, Brendan Gleeson, Russell Tovey, and Ashley Jensen), and seemingly blind to the impossible odds stacked against him, the Captain has one dream: to beat his bitter rivals Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven) and Cutlass Liz (Salma Hayek) to the much coveted Pirate Of The Year Award. It's a quest that takes our heroes from the shores of exotic Blood Island to the foggy streets of Victorian London. Along the way they do battle with the pirate-hating Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) and team up with a young Charles Darwin (David Tennant), but never lose sight of what a pirate loves best: adventure!

Video: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists - Trailer - In Cinemas 28th March

Pirate Captain sets out on a mission to defeat his rivals Black Bellamy and Cutlass Liz for the Pirate of the year Award. The quest takes Captain and his crew from the shores of Blood Island to the foggy streets of Victorian London.