Wednesday, May 20, 2015

May Secret Agent #47

TITLE: Weight of Metals
GENRE: YA, Urban light SF/Fantasy

At breakfast my dad explains the irony of the civil war and the blood of names. He gets passionate about human rights and his voice keeps time with that patriotic cadence, but on an empty stomach, it's all static to me.

We ride to school together, winding back roads through a hybrid of urban street life and rural farmland to First Coast High. Most of my friends had his U.S. History class last year. They tell me he's a hard ass. I know this. He admitted he hit my mother once before she left. She's never come back.

Two weeks remaining in my senior year and there are three shoving matches at lunch and a whole lot of whistles blowing. I work through my sandwich quietly while Aryana stares at me over her Sunkist.

I gather my trash. Lena's at the next table over and makes eye contact when she hears her name. Her caramel legs always slide so smoothly from beneath her cheerleading skirt. Her fingers move over her cell and mine buzzes. Aryana blocks my view.

21 comments:

The dialog reminds me of "The Country of Ice Cream Star" which takes some getting used to. I like the pacing.

I would keep reading out of curiosity. The dad is being arrested for assault, but I am still not sure if this is a regular school or SciFi. The "First Coast High" almost seems like a re-imagined US like District 12 or Panem.

Thank you for your comments! It's contemporary and it's an actual high school in Jacksonville, Florida that has been gaining a not so great reputation lately in the news due to violence. Inspired me to use it in my story. Also I taught 9th grade English, Reading & Creative Writing there and couldn't believe how much it's changed since I also attended this school many moons ago!!

Let's hear dad's passion with dialogue to grab the reader. Show MC's lack of interest with action & dialogue so a reader can relate to it. We need to hear MS's voice. Establish the conflict between them more during breakfast & the ride to school. Good description of Lena! What kind of eye contact does she make? A glare? I am confused why Lena calls MC a ratchet. Realistic dialogue between MC & friend & then Mack!

Thank you for your comments! Sometimes it takes fresh eyes to really see the telling over the showing. I'll get this opening page right. I'll work on weaving in that southern vernacular a bit better for those who don't hear this slang on a daily basis.

I like your style and the hints of your voice, though I admit to having somewhat of a tough time following the action here. It has me wondering if your story is starting in the right place. Would this be better served starting at "Two weeks remaining..."? I do like that powerful second paragraph, though.

Also, I still haven't quite figured out "Why that thot" and "You ratchet." Not sure there's enough context.

Thank you for your comments! And I believe your suggestion is great about the starting point! And I will work on weaving in the meanings of the southern slang words a little better. And I am ecstatic to hear your interest is piqued.

The first three paragraphs felt like someone was telling me backstory. It's interesting backstory, but it needs to be woven in later. If this scene is about Bee and Lena at lunch, then the dad should either come up in their conversation or should be introduced when he's actually in the scene.

Thank you for your comments! Sometimes dialect and vernacular takes a little getting used to. I will work on making a smoother transition into it, however, I believe for certain areas of the world and even the southern U.S., it tells so much more about the character and I hope to find a way to make it work.

Thank you for your comments! Everyone has been so helpful. My opening is already shaping into something so much better. I suspect I will be paying a lot of attention to my dialogue and voice in the revision, however I'm glad you saw the strength in it.

The voice is so compelling, I'd keep reading just to dig more into the MC's relationship with the father. Just watch out with introducing so many characters in one go before we've gotten grounded in the MC.

I'm just going to chime in here on the slang as well...at first I thought it was great, I recognized some words that my son uses and my thought was "wow this writer definitely knows YA-speak" lol. However, to be honest, it started to feel like too much. It began to feel forced by the end, maybe sprinkle it in a little lighter? It started to feel too self-consciously placed. That is just opinion to take or leave. Your narrative on the other hand (First three paragraphs) really blew me away. I think your writing is great and I felt it was very professional. Only the excessive slang made it go splat for me.