cooper was my first-born. he was born too early and didn't stay with me long enough. but he teaches me lessons every day. he has helped me be a better mom to mason. and a better person. this blog is a love-letter to mason, so that he will someday know what kind of impact his big brother had on his life. and on his mom's.

24 May, 2009

fear infection

i have a fear infection.

it sometimes resembles a yeast infection. but as i have read, a moist crotch is common during pregnancy. well, my moist crotch always appears in my head as a yeast infection. i freak out. i try some home remedies, which i probably don't need. which leads to more freaking out. which is all contributing to and increasing the fearful state of mind that i want to avoid.

yesterday i got the wet crotch thing. i started to itch. or did i? i used peroxide as a wash. but i was too lazy to dilute it with water as i am supposed to and burned my labia. inner and outer. it hurt like a bitch. so i walked around the rest of the day in a skirt with no underwear and whenever possible i spread my legs apart to air it out. i know, gross and TMI. even josh was grossed out. but hell, it fucking hurt!

before i went to bed i did a full rinse with plain ol' water and then patted dry with a cotton ball. wait! the cotton ball had a pink tinge to it. so now i really have to freak and stick my finger up my crotch to check for blood. none. phew.

can't even tell josh because he will freak out. so instead he just thinks i am miserable. he wants me to smile. i will. and i do. most of the time.

so lesson learned here -- stop freaking out. i am causing more trouble than necessary. my poor labia are so aggravated now that they are bleeding. that was the only time, thank god. no blood anywhere else. none on the tp. none in the undies. none up there when i check. so there is nothing to freak about.

except maybe now i caused irritation and if i did have an infection it will really take hold and run...