Opening Your Heart and Letting it all Out – Friday Joy

I’m writing this post at o’too early in the morning because I’m struggling to sleep. It’s been a long week, I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet wide awake. Something is amiss.

In the quiet of the night, I am pouring my heart out to God and coming to the realization about something:

My body does not dictate who I am.

Friends, in some true honesty, I’m going to lay my heart out to you. I’ve realized that perhaps part of my funky state this week has been due to a spike in weight. Sure, sure, I’m pregnant and all that jazz and I know that weight gain, a change in my body, will happen. It’s done it twice, it’ll do it again. But as I round the second half of this pregnancy, I step on that scale and see those numbers, that in my mind are too much to bear, I crumble. Literally, I crumble. It’s a weight, not just physical, but mental and emotional. It’s months of half marathon training wasted. It’s months of calorie counting, sweets-denying, hard working-out wasted. Logically {oh to be logical}, it’s okay. In fact, it’s where I started with both girls and I’m halfway through this time. But, that logical state of mind is too far to be found. In it’s place is that petrified, self-conscious girl who can’t quite make the in crowd because her body just isn’t the same as the pretty girls. And I am left feeling lonely and out of place.

But my body does not dictate who I am.

I am a child of God. I am loved by a King who died for me. I am chosen, hand-picked, created by an amazing Lord who designed me in such a way that brings Him the most glory. I have been given a chance to bring three beautiful creations to life. To grow them, to care for them, to nurture them, to love them, to show them just a glimpse of our awesome Savior.

So, no, my body does not dictate who I am.

He does. His truth. His love. His faithfulness. His goodness. His mercy. His grace. Just Him.

These are my dictators. These are the attributes that dictate, determine, who I am. Not a physical appearance. Not the acceptance of others. Just Him. Just His physical wounds for me. Just His acceptance of me. He is my dictator.

God dictates who I am.

And allowing myself to understand this truth, not just logically, but emotionally in my tired little heart, brings me joy and a rest that is much needed.

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18 Responses to "Opening Your Heart and Letting it all Out – Friday Joy"

It appears the enemy attacks we women the same way across the board. No new tricks, just tries to cripple us by attacking our deepest hurts and fears. Hormones don’t help! I totally relate. I was ostracized for being too THIN, & carried so much hurt & fear for so many years that I eventually got sick & almost died. That is when Christ finally broke through to my heart, and He told me how all that pain & rejection was His way of protecting me from the lifestyle of the “in-crowd”. He showed me the pain those girls felt & feel today. Beauty is not dictated by size or shape, but by how much Jesus can be seen in our lives. And honey, you are beautiful! Your post is shining. Also, as a former running junkie, you have little to fear. Once your body has been to a level of running, it can return there even quicker cuz running is 98% mental training.

I’m glad you’ve recognized and allowed yourself to understand that truth. Truth it is indeed! God created you wonderfully beautiful and unique. He also gave you a strong, healthy body that has a great purpose right now. The purpose of growing a miracle – a life. That’s huge! Embrace that. I know you are. 🙂 Running and having a lean figure will return soon enough. For now, allow yourself to be a temple for the Lord’s creation of life. You are blessed. And glowing too…

Thanks for your openness and honesty, Sarah! Steve and I are doing some similar thinking about issues related to pleasing people as opposed to being approved by the Lord…Galatians 1:10.
I was also thinking of Leah’s recent blog-http://amommaonamission.wordpress.com/2011/06/17/weigh-in-wednesday-and-truthful-thursday-on-friday/
The rubber meets the road moment by moment in our daily life, tho’, doesn’t it!?
PS I hope you get some sleep!! Steve has been dealing with insomnia recently, and it is not fun! But it is leading us to some deeper heart issues, and that is good!

I love your honesty. You are beautiful and I love that you shared your heart. I felt the exact way when I was pregnant. It is difficult to deal with the very real aspects of pregnancy like weight gain and like you said, even though it’s normal and totally fine, it still messes with your head. I love your conclusion though. HE dictates who you are. I will be praying for your days to get easier and that realization to become such a part of you that these struggles don’t even phase your days anymore.
p.s. I really think you’re beautiful and I wish we lived closer so I could get to know you in person. 🙂

Thanks for all the encouragement ladies! I’m glad that God revealed to me what was really going on in my heart. Just yesterday I was trying to explain it to Jonathan, but didn’t know why I felt off, just knew I did. So, now that I understand what the source is, I can chase it out with truth.

Jodi – I feel the same about you, lady! If I get a chance to go back to the Bay Area again, we will totally need a meetup! 🙂

So true! Thanks for sharing! Did you read one of Leah’s latest posts about the same topic? She quoted the book Loving the little years and it was really good! Keep fighting to cling to true thoughts from God! It can be a day to day battle!

Oh I am so glad that the Lord has shown you this.I know that I have told you this before but I am lead to say it again. I remember as a “preteen” you just brightening up the whole room when you walked in and your laugh being contagious. That is such a gift! You are so pretty , such a good wife and mom and a great woman of God. Don’t ever let the devil tell you any differently!!

Sarah, beautiful Sarah in mind, body and spirit! How wonderful that God revealed the source (fairly quickly) so you can “chase it out with truth” and I love that you are willing to run after the truth! Thanks for your honesty and letting us all in on what God is showing you, it is a true encouragement. Wish I was there to bring you peonies (their all a bloom here) and a cupcake or coffee or whatever would brighten your day. Praying your day is filled with truth and gentleness.

Oh and God has been revealing himself to me through the way I treat Archer. I’ve been frustrated and angry and then I heard/read somewhere that it should be a goal for us to treat our children like God treats us. Whew what a challenge but it shows me daily how much he loves and cares for me even when I’m having an adult tantrum because I don’t get my way (which may have just happened haha).

What an awesome post for you to write so honestly about. I’m the opposite. I’m a bad exerciser and not good about eating healthy. Becoming pregnant at this time would make me bigger than I’ve ever been. My body has been so changed with hormones {I’m not on them anymore} and it has never bounced back. I hope to breastfeed my second child so I hope that aids my body to get back to normal.

Amen, amen, amen! Hear me clapping aloud for you in Michigan!!
May you continue to fill your mind with Truth and experience His Joy!!
Thank you for sharing with such authenticity and transparency.
Sweet blessings~
Cindy 🙂

Thank you for your brutal honesty. It’s refreshing when people open up their hearts instead of putting on a show and presenting themselves in the best possible light, which seems hard to live up to! Yes, we all have issues that plague us and are embarrassing to admit, but to get them out there, and admit the struggle and the fact that you’re looking to God to see you through, amazing and inspiring. Keep pursuing Him and resist the devil!

Love, love, LOVE when things are brought into the light!! not only does it bring so much good into our own lives, the goodness abounds as others are positively impacted. as we draw near to each other (and the Lord) in our pursuit of truth.

nothing gets me angrier than when Satan succeeds in keeping us isolated in the dark.

so, we pray you’ll find yourself in a place of continued victory but hope you know that you’ll be received with much even in the midst of the battle!

[…] with Baby Boy. I’ve been really struggling lately with some self-esteem issues. You know, those same ones that make me think my body dictates my worth. While I still have several more weeks left before Baby Boy arrives, I’ve reached the […]