Who the Hell Do I Think I Am?

I am the guy who ate a box of Andes chocolate mints in one sitting when he was thirteen and spent the next three days perched on the toilet as a result. I am also the guy who, nearly three decades later, polished off an entire tray of mini caramel-filled coffee cakes and wondered why his stomach groaned like a poorly-tuned pipe organ.

I am the guy who thinks raccoons are “out to get him”.

I think I am the kind of guy who, with a little spit and polish, could shoulder the lead in a rebooted Die Hard franchise. In truth I am the guy who, when naked, looks like a gorilla with alopecia.

I am the guy who started to bald when he was eighteen and made a big show of going thin “naturally”. I am also the guy who now wonders how bad “irreparable erectile dysfunction” could be in exchange for a full head of hair. Apparently, I am also the kind of guy not afraid to entertain abnormal ejaculation, testicular pain, gynecomastia, prostate cancer, depression, anxiety and male breast cancer if only to look more like Nicolas Cage (from the scalp up).

I am a progressive man, provided that means women pay half the costs and I get to keep my goddamn seat on the subway.

You know the atheist who mocks idiots who find evidence in toast scrapings for their superstitious afterlife reward system, but who you believe secretly prays to God when he can’t find his house keys? That’s me.

I am a “fair-weather socialist”.

I am the guy who saw a fully-dressed clown take out his garbage one morning while walking my dog. I am also the one who acted like it was no big deal at the time but couldn’t wait to get home and tell his wife.

I am the guy who acts like everything is “no big deal”.

I have a long history of lying.

I also have enjoyed a prestigious career as a scholar of the Nazi regime and was the first to uncover Adolf Hitler’s persistent use of smiley-face dots over i’s. This is creepy enough in the Action T4 “Euthanasia Decree” but, somehow, worse on a grocery list.

I started lying when I was very young, usually to get out of trouble but before long just to see if I could get away with it.

I coined the phrase “at the end of the day” and I’m very, very sorry.

I did not coin the phrase “at the end of the day” and I’m very, very sorry I lied to you. It won’t happen again.

Once, when I worked as an interpreter at the United Nations, Kofi Annan and I drank tequila until three in the morning and ran around the General Assembly Hall draped in flags of member nations and screaming obscenities in geographically-appropriate accents. This went on for half an hour until Kofi became quiet and wondered if such activities befit a Secretary-General of the United Nations. I mentioned that Kurt Waldheim held the position for two terms. We began hurling insults at each other across the United Arab Emirates table in outrageous Col. Klink twangs until the security guards kicked us out.

I am the kind of guy who loves empty promises.

I am the guy who will say nothing to a mouth-breathing racist spouting invective in a crowded public space but who, at age seventeen, cracked wise to a cocky ETF agent who drew a gun on me and a friend to “teach us a lesson”.

I am the oldest man to hold the title of Isowhey Strawberry Muscle Buster/Axe Muy Caliente! Body Spray Strongman of the Universe for three non-consecutive years.

The ratio of truth to bullshit in the previous six hundred words is about fifty-five to forty (allowing for a margin of error equaling five).

For the visually inclined:

For those curious of the flow of truth-to-bullshit:

The appearance of charts in text inspires confidence in the author by 71% and that’s a scientifically proven fact.[1]

I blame my “right brain” like it’s an inbred Appalachian mountain troll whenever I can’t make proper change in a line up, but I always walk away with more money than I should.

I love animals but am not a vegetarian. I achieve this contradiction through a careful balance of delusion, Darwinian natural selection and a belief that the cutest animals would taste like aspirin.

I like curse words but often have to remind myself to insert them into conversation or written works.

I believe that I will bring a heretofore unseen level of commitment, focus and back-stabbery to your company and know that I am the best fit for this job.

I look forward to speaking with your HR department regarding salary expectations and vacation time. I would prefer a corner office, but will suffer through a smaller variation if it means I get a location as close to the elevators as possible. I’m a hard-stop at 3:30 pm every day and I like Glenfiddich with my waffles. Please stock my office bar accordingly.