Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It's been one of those weeks when things in your apartment decide to break on you. First, the oven (a baker's nightmare). Now, the cable. So, I have dates with repairmen all week, which pushes my work hours later and later into the night.

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I want to start keeping a list of things people say to me while TTC that make my jaw drop a bit. Here's my start.

A close friend of mine (CF) is TTC with no known fertility probs and fresh sperm (she hasn't yet conceived after the same number of tries that I've had). Our mutual friend, who is sort of TTC (in the "let's see what happens" camp) recently said two things about CF in front of me:

"I hope CF gets pregnant before either of us do."

"CF is really hard core about it. She bought ovulation predictors."

I don't think I need to even explain why those comments were jaw droppers. (For the record, I hope CF and I both get pregnant this month, AT THE SAME TIME. But I am not hoping she gets knocked up before I do, especially since she can afford to keep having sex with her honey for years, and I have a finite number of tries left before we decide to stop throwing money up my vajayjay and move on to Lo's. Since I only have so many shots at this, I want one of mine to work SOON! I want one of hers to work for her SOON, too. But... I am betting you all get what I mean.)

11 DPO. Nothing significant is different on my chart, but we won't know anything for sure until we test or we see blood.

The only difference is I have very sore breasts. I had that the first month I took hoo-ha bullets, too. Maybe I just get that sometimes, and I mistakenly blamed the hoo-ha bullets for it before. The sore breasts started a couple days after our insems, far too early for an early pregnancy sign, so don't get all excited and hopeful. It's not that.

Fingers are still very crossed for my TWW mates.

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Now, I am jumping on the grumpy train.

First, some stories about other grump.

Our friends were hoping to adopt through the foster care system, and spent 2 years fostering babies. I remember them feeling grumpy that they had been parents for so long, but had only ever experienced parenting infants. They went from one very young infant to another very young infant to another very young infant. They were like parents with a child caught in some time warp who never grew beyond a certain age (I know they were different children, but you get the point.) They were parents for 2 years who had never parented a 2-year-old.

I get that.

Whatthef*ck was explaining in a recent blog post that she is grumpy, in part because she has spent so much of the last 2 years being in early stages of pregnancy. Because of her 3 dead babies, her current pregnancy is the 6th first trimester she has been in. And she is even more restricted than most women in terms of what she needs to avoid during this pregnancy, so it's hard.

I get that.

(And for the people I refer to above, if I got any of your feelings/story wrong, my apologies. Feel free to correct me in the comments.)

So, here's my grumpy complaint. I, too, have restricted myself almost to the same degree as if I were truly pregnant, on and off, for the past 6 months. For example, while I was waiting for my LH surge this past cycle, I didn't want to take an antihistamine because it might dry up my fertile mucus. So, I suffered with watery, itchy eyes (not a huge deal, but it makes it hard to stare at my computer screen among other things) because I didn't want to dry up that mucus we so desperately needed in case ovulation was just around the corner. And of course, every TWW, and even a lot of the first parts of my cycle, I am cautious. I try to exercise since that improves fertility, but not too hard because that could be bad. I don't drink much during the first part of my cycle and not a drop during the second part. And my one real vice... coffee... well, I restrict myself to one cup maximum. I've considered whether if I gave it up entirely, that might help my outcome.

Sometimes, I actually think to myself, "You know, if I actually get pg and carry a baby to term, I will have to keep restricting myself like this and more for the next 9 months plus, too." Don't get me wrong. I'd be the happiest of happy people if that happened for me. It's not that any of these things are so hard. It just seems unfair that I have been living like a pseudo-pregnant person for most of 6 months now, and then if I am lucky, really lucky, I'll get to live like that for another 9 months. And if I'm not really lucky, then I will have lived like that for no reason at all.

I can't go for a really long, hard run when I am feeling anxious or having trouble sleeping. When I have a tough deadline, I can't have a second cup of coffee to help me concentrate. When my skin is red and itchy, I don't dare pop an Allegra.

And to add to the pseudo-pregnant person feeling, let's not forget all the time I've spent injecting myself with HcG and taking progesterone suppositories. So, I get inklings of what it feels like to be pg, knowing the whole time it doesn't mean I am. There's something kind of cruel about that.

So, I'm just adding my beefs to the grump.

But I am also grateful. A friend of mine, who is a gay man, made me realize recently that I am also lucky that I am a (hopefully) fertile woman who can even try to conceive. He and his partner don't have a womb at the ready. And they don't have the money to hire a surrogate, buy a donor egg, etc. They are hoping they will be able to adopt when they decide they want to be parents, and I would be happy to adopt also. But I am indeed grateful that Lo and I can give it a try with our uteruses first. Somewhere admidst the grump, there is also gratitude.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I (Lo) remember writing about two of my unique body parts, back in the day before we had our digital camera. So now I present, for your viewing pleasure:

Mismatched Thumbs. I don't know why, but they look entirely different. And no, I never mashed one of them in a car door...The short one looks like my mom's thumbs, and the taller one looks like my dad's thumbs, so they joked that I got one from each parent.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

This past Sunday was the first anniversary of the Family O in blog form.

I'm sure that my year-ago self privately expected that after a year, we would be pregnant. After some time living with TTC, I must say, I'm just pleased that we're working on it. And that in the past twelve months, we've tried pretty much every possible method to sperm Co up.

Well. I suppose there is one way we haven't tried. But, you know, eeeeeuw.

Here's hoping that the next year brings not just the journey...but some success.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

So, I want to distance myself a little from my last post, so here are a few things I found recently.

I know a bunch of you are teachers or former teachers. And if you're anything like Lo and me, there is nothing you hate more than Hollywood's feel-good teacher movie. Most recently, we have been bombarded with the annoying trailer for the Hillary Swank vehicle Freedom Writers. Gag. Hack.

There was a great op-ed in the NY Times by a public school teacher in the Bronx about why such movies are far from reality. You need a free registration if you're not already registered to read it, which I know some people won't do. But I figured I'd mention it. It's quite funny and makes a lot of great points about the Myth of the Great Teacher and how students don't need maverick heroes as much as they need safe schools with adequate funds and supplies, and teachers who are expected to be professionals, not martyrs.

I also saw an off-Broadway play last weekend. The title should reveal why I was interested... Victoria Martin: Math Team Queen. It's about the first girl ever to join the Longwood High School math team. She is a popular girl who doesn't really want to be there at first, but has quite an aptitude for math and eventually gets into it. There are subplots involving the secrets the five characters are keeping, including one male character who has a secret crush on another male member of the team.

It's being sponsored by the Women's Project, which aims to provide more opportunities for women in theater, to showcase their talents and abilities as playwrights, directors, and producers.

It was a very funny and cute play, so I'd recommend it. How can you not love a play in which a girl recites digits of pi when she's angry or upset? A little pi makes everything better!

Monday, January 22, 2007

I am giving an update, because Charlotte asked for one. There's not much to say this early in the TWW though.

So, FF is predicting my ovulation day as CD20, which is the day I got my positive OPK and the first day we insemmed. If FF is right, then our second insem missed the train.

In looking at my chart, I don't really see why my ovulation day couldn't have been CD21, the day of our second insem. My temp on CD21 is only 0.1 degree higher than on CD20 and even though it shows that it was taken at an odd time, that's only because it was taken at 6 A.M. instead of 7 A.M. I took it an hour earlier than usual because we got up early to do the second insem.

At any rate, it doesn't really matter. It's nearly certain at this point that we insemmed on the day I ovulated, so it's all good. Not to mention, it's not like we can go back and redo our insems, since our time machine seems to be on the fritz today.

I don't know when we will test. I am inclined to wait until at least 14 DPO, but I will let Lo call the shots this cycle. So, if she wants me to test earlier, I will. I don't feel a lot of stress or anticipation this cycle, so I don't think it will be crushing if it's a BFN. Then again, I've said that before.

I am enjoying the fact that this cycle, my chart actually means something again. The meds have made charting a lot less satisfying because Clomid elevates my temps at the beginning and the hoo-ha bullets keep my temps elevated at the end and I never get a positive OPK because we always trigger before I have an LH surge. This time, my chart is all about what my body does naturally. There's something really nice about that.

That doesn't mean I'm not going back to the R.E. next cycle. I'm just saying it's nice.

***TMI, if it's possible on a TTC blog, will follow. You have been warned.***

Here's a question. I read in one of our books that women who find IUIs to be painful (like me) might actually be wasting our time and money. It says, "When your cervix or uterus is traumatized, prostaglandins are released that cause the uterus to contract in a way that can push sperm out. Thus, a painful insemination may result only in trauma, not pregnancy."

Now this book has a lot of good information, but they definitely have a bias toward the natural and homeopathy and acupuncture. That's fine, for them and for anyone else who is more into that. But I'm a western medicine gal.

I don't agree with a fair amount of what is in that particular book. They say things like, "...if you're using a known sperm donor, be sure to ask him to give up caffeine as well." Um, yeah. I can see that happening if you're using a KD who is going to co-parent with you or if your KD doesn't really drink much caffeine anyway and it's no real sacrifice. Otherwise, it seems a bit extreme to ask someone who is already giving you a tremendous gift to restrict his lifestyle to the point that he can't have a cup of joe or a cola.

The book also clearly states that "a vaginal exam need not be painful. We repeat, a vaginal exam need not be painful." Ha! In what universe? I know quite a few women--het and gay--who have never had a non-painful speculum experience, including me. It doesn't matter how gentle the person is or if they take their time. My college P.A., the really sweet queer-friendly community health center P.A., my last 3 GYNs, the guy who did my HSG and Dr. Quick. Yes, they ALL hurt me. I actually got through my last IUI concentrating on relaxing and it didn't hurt when the speculum went in. I just felt pressure like all the books say you're supposed to. But then when he opened it, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Not that you need this analogy, but every time I go to the dentist, I get told over and over to open my mouth wider. It's not my fault that dentists dislike me. I just have a small mouth. It stands to reason, then, that some of us are just... anatomically smaller... and well, more difficult to open wider. I'm making that up, but it makes sense to me.

Okay, that was TMI. But I don't need a book telling me that I just haven't found the right practioner who can be gentle enough not to hurt me. Hello? What am I supposed to do? Go on perfectpap.com to find Dr. Right? It's not going to happen.

But I am concerned at the suggestion that it might mean I won't get pg doing IUIs. Has anyone heard that about painful IUIs being less likely to result in pregnancy? Dr. Quick certainly never said so, and he has a pretty big stake in knocking me up. Did anyone who found IUIs to be painful get pregnant? Would it hurt or help to take a little Tylenol or ibuprofen beforehand, if I'm relying on the trigger shot? I'm not wondering because I can't take pain, but rather because I am wondering if it would help or hurt my chances at all. Should I give up on IUIs, or is that just another thing I should ignore in that book? Opinions, if you read the TMI, please.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

There is a great deal of advice and information out there about how to inseminate at home, much of it conflicting. We decided to go with our bank's recommendations, which included doing one insem immediately after getting a positive OPK, and the second one 12 hours later. (Many folks say to wait 12 hours for the first one.) They also suggested that Co start doing 2 OPKs a day, one around noon and one around 5 or 6 in the evening. I was tempted to leave school early to rush home if she got a positive mid-day, but I can leave legitimately at 3 so we decided that 3-4 hours later wouldn't be a big deal.

She hit a positive yesterday afternoon, so I booked home right after school. We thawed the babyjuice and went to work. I used Preseed to make sure I got all of the sperm out of the vials (a suggestion from Melody). It was a really pleasant, warm, close experience. We cuddled and watched T.V. while Co kept her hips elevated for an hour afterwards (not really necessary to do it for that long). Then we spent the rest of the evening relaxing and ordering in dinner.

We got up this morning at 6am to do it again. Maggie was very cooperative both times, though this morning she did get excited to have Co lying still for so long and and give her Mama C a lot of kisses. So now we're officially in the TWW!!

There was no fish this time (since the only fish tank we have is Fish Tycoon on Co's computer) so I think this is the Dachshund Try. It's our only chance to have our good-luck doxie around while we insem (since even our try with KD was out of town, in a hotel). We were also watched by a variety of stuffed animals, including a Serta sheep, Cookie Monster, and my Cabbage Patch Kid from 1984.

I know it may not work. Co keeps reminding me there's an 8% chance. I just can't help but be hopeful about such a loving experience.

Friday, January 19, 2007

It's not that I expect this to work. It's just so much nicer when you feel like you at least have a shot. I was worrying a lot that I would have delayed ovulation or an anovulatory cycle and the sperm would go to waste. Yes, I know the whole point of this month was not to worry. And I'm not worried about it working. I just want it to be fun, and if we knew for sure that our timing sucked, it wouldn't be.

I'll let Lo, the inseminatrix, fill you in on the other stuff that happens today and tomorrow. Oh, and yes, I have decided that her title has to have a -trix on the end.

When I executed my grandmother's estate and finished the administration of my father's estate (who died without a will) because my GM has never finished it, I was officially dubbed an executrix and a substituted administratrix by my home state. I kid you not. It was spelled out like that on official legal documents and everything. I felt it was awfully sexist that I couldn't just be considered an executor and substituted administrator because I was female. But it also kind of made my bureaucratic nightmare sound a wee bit more fun and sexy than it actually was.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

So, I have to admit, that I was pretty pleased with my Sperm Emails post. I feel like I've been a big downer post-wise (and in real life) for a while now, and I enjoyed that the Sperm Emails post was light and silly.

What truly surprised me though was that so many of you commented about how much you love Mah Jongg. Who knew?

So Monday night, we had our first Mah Jongg lessons with the girls (all of us in our late 20s-mid 30s). Between our bams and our craks and our dots and our dragons, we talked about how Mah Jongg wasn't just for little old ladies any more. My friend LM drew a parallel between Mah Jongg and knitting... how when we were growing up, we'd be most likely to associate knitting with our grandmothers and Great Aunt Antoinette, but now it's downright trendy to knit. I remember years ago finding it weird that amidst the pricey boutiques, coffee houses, and hip bars in my neighborhood, there were suddenly new, small shops opening up with yarn from floor to ceiling along every wall.

Mah Jongg was fun. Next game in two weeks.

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In TTC news, our sperm is still in the living room and we are waiting for ovulation. It's CD19 and I haven't ovulated yet. I typically ovulate between CD17-20 without a trigger shot, although I have ovulated as late as CD23 and CD24 before. Based on my chart so far, I see no reason to think that I won't ovulate very soon. But I did have delayed ovulation the time we tried with KD-barely-in-the-country, so I'm aware that nothing is for certain.

When Lo and I were trying to decide if we should go ahead with an at-home insem, I had one requirement. It was that if my body doesn't do what we want it to do (ovulate before the liquid nitrogen tank runs out), then so be it. This is still my break. Next month I'll be under the microscope with Dr. Quick and Nurse Poker Face and who knows who else peering into and critiquing my insides. This month, I need a break from that. And even if my body doesn't do what I want it to do, I need to feel that that's okay. I need to not feel anger toward my body this cycle.

Speaking of microscopes, we have one of those fertility microscopes that helps you detect ovulation by looking for ferning patterns. I assume some of you have used it. I tried using it for the first time this week, even though we've had it for some time. Geek that I am, I thought it was pretty cool. But I haven't quite figured out how to interpret it yet, and I keep forgetting to do it first thing in the morning. It's reminding me of how hard it used to be for me to take my temp every morning. Now, it's so routine and I'm so in tune with my body that it is just something I do. It's interesting to look back at how hard it used to be now.

I've also finally convinced Lo to start charting, which is a huge relief for me. I think some of my angst has centered on the fact that even though we technically have another uterus (one that wants to be pg some day), since Lo has never even charted, all of our hopes really are riding on me. I have been feeling like if we need to jump to our second uterus, we're completely unprepared to do so. So, I am glad she has started charting. For the peace of mind, as well as because now that's something we share, too.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A) My sister has started a parenting blog. Of *course*, the plan was to do so on their very own family website, with their very own blog software. (Who would do less?) But since they've been a mite busy since the birth of our nephew, she's using a standard blogging site instead. (Oh, the humanity.)

So if you want to read wide-eyed proclamations about a perfect baby who is genetically related to both of his parents and conceived through an act of love on the first try...email me and I'll, uh, send you the link.

B) One of my students was suspended last week (today was the last blissfully peaceful day of her suspension) for biting a classmate. She claims that his arm was near her mouth and she accidentally bit him. Like, accidentally opened her mouth and closed it again, hard enough to leave marks.

I teach SEVENTH GRADE, people.

I must close by saying that despite these complaints, I am feeling much, much, much better than I have in a long time. This break was good for both of us, we are both so much less stressed now that we are not mulling over the daily growth of Co's follicles. Really, I trust that they are growing, no need to peek in quite so often. And I am excited to be trying out the frozen swimmers on my own. I had a chat about the details with our fuzzy lesbian sperm bank. I've never heard someone sound so awed when speaking of the cervix. Really, she choked up. I am enjoying this sort of personalized guidance that feels like it's about being in tune with Co's body and listening to her, rather than manipulating, poking, and prodding. I may feel differently if/when it doesn't work. And the current plan is to go back to the RE. But....the difference matters a lot more than I realized it would.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

So, our shipment of sperm will be arriving on Monday, MLK Day. I had plans for that afternoon with two close friends, JW and LM, at LM's apartment. So, I sent this email asking if we could change those plans.

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Dear JW and LM:

Would it be possible to change the location of [our get together] to my place?

I hate to ask, but we are expecting a shipment of... um... sperm that day and I really have no idea when it will arrive. Believe it or not, FedEx DOES deliver on MLK Day. The shipment doesn't affect Mah Jongg, which is later.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Most women I know, who are considering TTC in the near or distant future, have a predisposition. Most of them seem to think that whenever THEY personally decide they WANT to be pg, it will just happen for them. I have met very few women who worry that they will be infertile. Most women I know seem to assume that, "Sure, that happens, but not to me... I'm healthy, I do yoga, I'm under 35, my relatives got pg at the drop of a hat so of course it's going to be the same for me, no problem."

I am not being critical. I thought that, too, to some degree. I was never naive enough to expect I'd get pg on the first or second try. Although that could be because by the time we got around to TTC, I knew enough infertile bloggers to have my doubts. But especially after all my myriad fertility tests came back great, I thought, sure, why wouldn't this work some time within the magical 6 tries?

We've only tried 4 times, so we may still get pg before the magical 6 tries is up. I'm not counting myself among the infertile at this point, by any stretch. I feel like that would be ridiculous since I've only tried 4 times, as well as disprespectful of those of you who've tried for 6 months to x number of years and still nothing.

But it always irks me when I encounter people who have yet to TTC. They almost always assume that it will just happen for them. That they're not going to have an experience even like mine. And maybe they are right. I know it does happen quickly for some lucky people.

Maybe I'm just being a bitch when I caution them that it's not necessarily that easy. Maybe I'm just coloring my responses with my own pain, and trying to dissuade them from adding to my pain by acting like what has been so hard for me will be so easy for them. Or maybe no one can believe that it could ever happen to them until it IS happening to them.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Charlotte was kind enough to ask how I'm doing with the decision to take a break. And it's a well-timed question.

I haven't been posting on this blog much lately. Co has been nagging me to post, but I haven't felt like I have much to say. Co delivers the TTC news, both because, well, it's her body, and because she works from home and has the chance to blog (I am so not blogging at school).

But another reason I've felt kind of silent is because I've been feeling like this is Co's journey. I'm the one who started the blog, and from the beginning I've been engine behind our TTC adventure. Not that Co doesn't want a baby -- she definitely does -- but because that's the way we work. I'm the planner, the organizer, the one who found our apartment and planned our wedding. So I started out last January (oh yes, almost a year has passed; but that's another post) seeking out donors and researching sperm banks and reading books about how to sperm up your loved one.

And then Co started inseminations. Our single KD insem felt very mutual, because that KD is my cousin and the three of us did a lot of talking, and I was the, uh, inseminator. I got to research methods, and procure needleless syringes, and sneak around my cousin's wedding. Since then, however, the insems have been all about Co: measuring her follicles, and the RE inserting the sperm in a stressful and painful environment over which I have no control. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of Co, but I am feeling cut out of the process. It's not about US anymore, somehow. Each month she goes through anxiety and stress about the size of her follicles, and then the increasing slap and ache of the negative. And I comfort her and hold her and assure her that everything is going to be okay, while quietly I keep losing hope, and need someone to tell ME it's going to be okay.

And the external pressures have been wearing at me, making it harder and harder to be there for Co. I went in this journey towards parenthood full of optimism, knowing it would be long and circuitous and might not end up how I expected. But the crushing disappointment of the perfect KD who said no....and then the agony of being lapped by my younger sister...and then the perfect KD who lives half a world away....I've lost the sense of my own timetable. I feel like I'm running as fast as I can but I'm still helpless, I'm still falling hopelessly behind. I've lost the feeling of having time and choices and joy.

All of which led to my breakdown yesterday. I told Co repeatedly that she could take a month off (and meant it every time); when she actually decided to do it, I dissolved. The increasing depression and pessimism of the past 6 months suddenly overflowed, and I had a huge bratty sobbing tantrum. *I* *don't* need a break. I need the continued hope that in two weeks, we could be trying again to make a baby. This month would have been my last try to have a baby before I turn 33, a silly personal goal of mine since my own mom was 32 when I was born. Co needs her break, and she shall get it. But I just couldn't keep my own pain under wraps any longer.

Today I feel better than I have in months (like, since July). I think it was really, really, really good to finally be honest with Co, to admit that I have feelings too and have been so unhappy.

Which brings me to the advice portion of my post. We've thought of a compromise idea: trying at home with sperm from the bank. It seems like an awful longshot, given that IUI with Clomid hasn't worked (twice)...adding the extra impediment of the vajayjay, and our non-expert defrosting and insertion skills, hardly seems like good protocol. But on the plus side, Co would feel relaxed about because she wouldn't have go to the RE to get her follies checked; I would feel good because I would be inserted back into the process, as sperm-wrangler (and researcher). And I would get to be active this month, instead of taking a break that (to me) is unwanted.

There is also a guy we have toyed with asking to be a KD. However, I think (?) it would be too soon to try with him this cycle, so while we may or may not pursue this latest thought, we wouldn't have fresh sperm for a try this cycle.

But is that an awful lot of money for something that seems sure not to work?? Any thoughts?? (And, you know, I'm more than open to comments about the rest of the babble that has suddenly burst from my floodgates...except for that stuff about "You'll get your baby." I really don't believe that crap.)

Monday, January 01, 2007

I wish everyone out there a happy, healthy, and wonderful new year. To those who had a good 2006, I hope 2007 brings more of the same. To those who had a craptastic 2006, I hope things look up for you in 2007.

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I am starting the New Year with low expectations. This is the year I turn 34, the same age at which my mother died. I have dreaded this year for decades. I don't know if most people can truly understand just how much I've dreaded this year. This will be the suckiest birthday ever, except maybe my 35th birthday. If I outlive my mother, that might suck worse. Who knows?

I am trying to figure out what, if anything, will make me feel better about TTC.

I am wondering if not blogging obsessively about all the details will help.

I am wondering if approaching it with the mindset that it's all just a series of medical procedures I have to endure for at least 3 more months will help... if I don't think about the desired outcome so much and just get through the medical stuff, like it's something I have to do.

I am wondering if just letting myself live my life and not worrying about controlling variables so much will help... like what I eat, what I drink, how much caffeine I get, how much sleep, how much stress.

The truth is...I won't feel better about TTC until it's over. It feels like a job, like a job I committed to before I realized how much work it was going to be, and now I just have to finish it because I'm conscientious. I don't feel like there's a baby at the end of these procedures any more. Just a fulfillment of an obligation.

When it's all over, I can have a preventive oophorectomy and say, "I tried. Oh well."

I feel like I am racing the clock. If I can't conceive before I'm the age my mother was when she died of ovarian cancer, then part of me doesn't want my reproductive organs inside me. Unlike for many women, I don't see them as harbingers of future life. I also see them as the organs that did my mother and maternal GM in.