​UNSPORTSmanlike Conduct

Did I just join Team Kyrie? I'm pretty sure I did. I know he had nothing to do with the making of this video, but there's something about perfectly setting the funniest aspects of the most high-profile NBA drama to one of the most infectious songs of a generation that just makes you want to agree with the person being voiced in it. Shit, you might be able get me to side with Roger Goodell if you turned him into a caricature and had him penning angry letters to outspoken neurologists with the angelic harmonies of Dido playing in the background. Okay fine, probably not, but I would be more likely to laugh at his blatant lies if someone turned them into an animated parody over a nostalgic Eminem beat.

I'm not sure, but I think a satirical representation of Kyrie Irving's thought process (according to sources of other sources that may or may not be close to him while he passive aggressively SnapChats) just somehow did a better job humanizing him than any candid interview he could ever give. Well, it's either that or the NBA offseason is such a goddamn soap opera that I now have a distorted view of how professional athletes truly interact with each other on a personal level so I have taken to choosing sides in sports beefs by way of expertly produced cartoons that serve as mockumentaries. Oh well, as is always the case, as long as it's got a catchy hook I don't feel bad nodding my head along to it.

TheComeback-A former student at Los Altos High School (Hacienda Heights, CA) has filed a lawsuit against the school district and his former baseball coach, citing repeated benching from games and describing it as “harassment and bullying.”

The San Gabriel Valley Tribune reports that 17-year-old Robbie Lopez and his parents are seeking “$150,000 or more” in the lawsuit, claiming that varsity baseball coach Gabriel Lopez (no relation) repeatedly refused to let Robbie play throughout his senior year. The lawsuit claims that Robbie was a starter for three seasons before Gabriel arrived as the new head coach at Los Altos.

The family believes the benching began after Robbie’s father, Robert Lopez II, “complained to the district’s athletic director after a disagreement over a fundraising game.”

The players that didn’t participate in the fundraising event were then not allowed to practice, according to the lawsuit. And this caused the father to then speak with the school, as it’s illegal in the state of California to require public school students to fundraise in order to participate in school activities.

The lawsuit also references an alumni game, where current Los Altos baseball players take on former players from the school in what is basically just a fun scrimmage. Every senior participated in the game, except for Robbie.

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Full disclosure, I have no idea how the legal team of 17 year old decided that fair compensation for getting benched in competitive high school athletics ranged in the six figures. I'm no lawyer, but I think the misconduct has to be sexual in nature before you go trying to pay off four years of college tuition with the reparations.

​That said, I can't think of any teenager who is more deserving of $150,000 than the one whose overbearing father raised him to be an entitled asshole despite not having the talent to make his head coach ignore the fact that he was a senior that refused to attend team building events. Seriously, nothing screams "leader" like getting your ass plastered to the pine for running to daddy and responding with litigation. The amount might seem a bit exorbitant. However, Robbie Lopez is probably the first high school athlete to ever have his young career stunted by a newly hired, self righteous coach that didn't like having his authority questioned by a self important second baseman that's not even old enough to buy cigarettes.

If the justice system doesn't reward this type of infantile behavior with a payment that is fitting of the price tag on a fully-loaded Mazarati then it might encourage all sorts of disciplinary bullying - such as your standard benching - throughout high-level youth sports! They screw this one up and there's no telling where the line in the dirt gets drawn in terms of testing the depth of your roster via dugout harassment!

P.S. This "highlight reel" says all I need to know. He couldn't get one friend/teammate to go out to the diamond and help him look better by comparison? Really speaks to his popularity in the locker room. I don't know about $150K, but I would be fine with the court rewarding this loner $150 out of pity...

Huh. Who knew that neo-nazis marching around town using fire sticks as their weapon of choice while preaching about a "master race" and promoting a regressive set of societal beliefs in the year 2017 lacked originality? Honestly, I'm stunned that the people that have been patiently waiting in their parents' basements for abject racism to resurface while projecting their hate for themselves on people of differing races, colors, and creeds aren't the most creative bunch.

When I saw that a group of white supremacists had adopted someswatstified version of the Detroit Red Wings' logo I figured that they were just too lazy to come up with their own brand recognition. Now that they have also attempted to re-inappropriate the Detroit Lions' logo there is only one thing that could possibly be true. The alt-right hasn't taken a hard left outside of the self-promotional box they use as their sounding board since they first decided to embrace the ideology of a long deceased German dictatorship. Stealing trademarks has only become their schtick because it falls in line with the fact that innovation isn't exactly their thing. Of course white nazionalists have incorporated the intellectual property of proud sports' franchises that have been around since before Hitler started thinking for those that would eventually ended up missing the bus to the 21st century.

​What else were they supposed to do? Generate their own thoughts and ideas? You do realize we are talking about the same folks that still use the word "tradition" as a crutch while continuing to salute a flag that became obsolete for over a century and a half ago, right? I can't believe it took us this long to realize they came up with their "coat of arms" while squinting at the television of Sunday afternoon and actively trying not to root for the black players on their favorite team.

Man, when is Tyron Smith going to catch a break? Just when you thought he had finally rendered his bulging dick impotent after trying to suppress it all last season and then - boom - he's laying erect on his back with a case of crippling stiffness. Who would have thought the all-too-evasive key to keeping a 6'5, 320 pound left tackle on the field to perform to the best of his abilities in the trenches would be to soften him up a bit? Will someone get this guy in a cold shower before throbbing head trauma costs him his career?!?

All in seriousness, I am glad a female sportscaster finally screwed this proverbial pronunciation pooch. I'm going to assume that Jane Slater's subconscious wasn't littered with biologically built pants' tents and that her slip was anything but freudian. Therefore, I'm pretty sure that retroactively gives a pass to every male that's assumed to be a deviant with sex on the brain every time they accidentally stumble into some untimely innuendo mid-broadcast.

See ladies, the world is yours! You can do anything men can do, even make embarrassing, R-rated mistakes on air! Hell, considering the unequivocal enunciation on the word "dick" and the extremely erotic verb preceding it, dare I say that the Jane Slater's of the world sound even more confident when getting all chubbed up by the tricky linguistics of a reoccurring back problem? If she didn't immediately correct herself than I would be liable to think that Tyron Smith basically boned himself out of the lineup last season, and there's something to be said about speaking with that level of conviction.

TheComeback- The Junior League World Series softball tournament, an annual tournament featuring the best teams of girls aged 12 to 15 from around the world, overturned the results of a semifinal game this weekend thanks to players on the winning team extending their middle fingers in a Snapchat post. The Atlee Little League team from Virginia beat the host team from Kirkland, Washington 1-0 Friday in a controversial semifinal, which saw a Kirkland player and coach ejected for stealing signals. An Atlee player then posted a team picture to Snapchat with six players extending their middle fingers and a “watch out host” caption, and the Little League International Tournament Committee then removed them from the championship game Saturday, promoting Kirkland instead (who promptly lost 7-1 to the Central region team from Poland, Ohio, in a game televised on ESPN2). Here’s the statement on their decision, via The Richmond Times-Dispatch:

In response to a request from the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Little League spokesman Kevin Fountain issued the following statement:

​“After discovering a recent inappropriate social media post involving members of Atlee Little League’s Junior League Softball tournament team, the Little League® International Tournament Committee has removed the Southeast Region from the 2017 Junior League Softball World Series for violation of Little League’s policies regarding unsportsmanlike conduct, inappropriate use of social media, and the high standard that Little League International holds for all its participants.”

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For as mind-numbingly stupid and astonishingly hypocritical as it is of adults to retroactively reverse the result of a youth playoff game due to nothing that took place during said youth playoff game, it's also quite refreshing to see a sport governed with consistency throughout all the levels it's played. Say what you want about overreacting to a hand gesture that everyone with a driver's license uses at least 2-3 times per week, but don't say that the self-important values of those supervising a baseball diamond of any size aren't persistently ass backwards from Little League Softball to Major League Baseball.

When I think of out-of-whack priorities I think of the sport whose record books were rewritten by steroid users that could hit 70 home runs without suspicion, but couldn't show any emotion after those home runs without having a fastball thrown at their jugular. That's why it's good to see the Junior League place the losing, undeserving team that stole signs in it's World Series ahead of girls that won fair, but whose harmlessly explicit celebration was far from square. What better way to send the message that it's okay to cheat as long as you don't hurt your opponent's delicate wittle feelings in the process? This misguided decision would reek of sanctimonious bullshit in any other form of athletic competition, but somehow it seems like a fitting form of discipline for a sport that historically takes itself far too seriously.

In all seriousness, it's absolutely befuddling that someone could be hired to supervise today's youth while having such an obvious disconnect with today's youth. Giving the finger on SnapChat is probably the least punishable thing those girls have done (on or off social media) in 2017. I know this might be a tough concept for Kevin Fountain to understand, but the 12-15 year olds of today need to be treated like the 17-19 year olds of yesteryear. He's genuinely lucky they still participate in youth sports, because it means they somehow shook off the allure of recreational drugs and sexual experimentation. If the worst thing my hypothetical daughter has done halfway through high school is whoop some hometown ass before rubbing her opponent's noses in shit by throwing up some "fuck y'all" fingers on the internet then I'd buy her whole squad booze and tell them to hit the basement while I started my campaign for 'Father Of The Year'. So maybe - just maybe - it might be time to lower that inexplicably "high standard" for pubescent, teenage athletes Kev, because there's some more satisfying bases to round if they end up quitting softball because they got fucked out of their chance to win a championship.

Bisciotti also addressed the inherent presumption within the question that signing someone who protested during the national anthem throughout 2016 would harm the team’s image.

“Quantify hurting the brand,” Bisciotti said. “I know that we’re going to upset some people, and I know that we’re going to make people happy that we stood up for somebody that has the right to do what he did. Non-violent protesting is something that we have all embraced. I don’t like the way he did it. Personally, I kind of liked it a lot when he went from sitting to kneeling. I don’t know, I’m Catholic, we spend a lot of time kneeling.”

“Talk to your neighbors and your friends and your co-workers, because I think you’ll get the same sense that I got, which is every time I hear something negative, I hear something positive and sometimes it shocks me who it’s coming from,” Bisciotti said. “I hope we do what is best for the team and balance that with what’s best for the fans. Your opinions matter to us, and we couldn’t get a consensus on it in [this room] either.”

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Everyone, drop to your knees. Actually, scratch that. First listen intently to make sure the National Anthem isn't inexplicably playing anywhere within a one mile radius and then drop to your knees. The Baltimore Ravens owner asked nicely for our prayers, and - considering he was forthright enough to admit to a league-wide thought process that everyone with even a loose grip on reality have seen taking place for months - dare I say that we at least owe him that much.

After all, Steve Bisciotti is the person in charge of the franchise that has glorified the career of someone who - at the very least - was an accomplice to murder to such an outrageous extent that his likeness is literally immortalized in bronze outside of their stadium. Yes, the very same man that was willing to look past a little domestic abuse until the downright sickening visual evidence of the crime that he damn well knew took place forced him to reconfigure his backfield. Of course that same guy needs a little religious enlightenment to help him decide whether or not a peaceful protest of police brutality is an unforgivable offense that's worthy of a forcing a qualified candidate out of a job. If there's one thing that he's made clear throughout his tenure it's that when it comes to differentiating right from wrong he can't tell his ass from his fucking elbow.

So please, look up towards that mystery man in the sky and beg him to deliver Steve Bisciotti from the undeniable evils that he has already excused in the name of winning football games. Christ Almighty, please show him the light by reminding him of the time that hundreds of morons showed up to a Ravens preseason game in Ray Rice jerseys because fans are completely full of shit and will recalibrate their moral compass for anyone that can hypothetically help their team win. Please most holy and divine, intervene and bless this billionaire with the knowledge that being "unAmerican" isn't an actual crime, and - even if it were - taking a knee during a memorial song on behalf of an honorable cause before investing millions of dollars and a wealth of time into it's growth wouldn't fall under it's incredibly vague legislation. As you know best Lord, he sure as shit ain't going to figure it out by himself.

​TheComeback- It’s been a bad summer for Cavs owner and real estate mogul Dan Gilbert. While he’s been busy blowing up a potential Cavs dynasty to rival the Warriors, his Detroit real estate company, Bedrock, put out a controversial ad in downtown Detroit that started a public firestorm.

According to a 2010 census, 83 percent of Detroit’s population is African-American. Bedrock put out a new ad campaign, captioned “See Detroit Like We Do,” displaying a very different image of the city, in which almost everyone is white...

What else can ya say, really? When you're hot you're hot, and I'll be damned if Dan Gilbert is going to leave a heater. I'm not sure the father-in-law from 'The Hangover' had executive incompetence in mind when he dropped that timeless quote. However, you can bet your sweet ass that the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers has turned up the heat on himself this summer with what can only be considered business so bad that it could masquerade as professional trolling.

Honestly, shame on us for thinking that it was impossible to top (well, to be more accurate, bottom out) decision making so poor that it has almost guaranteed the impending departure of the best basketball player on the planet. We should all slap ourselves on the wrist from believing that Dan Gilbert couldn't do worse than somehow getting his All-Star point guard to demand a trade away from LeBron James during his ongoing streak of seven straight NBA Finals appearances. How could we be so dumb? Of course the man who has singlehandedly given morons a reason to believe that they too can beat stupidity's odds and become rich as fuck was capable of signing off on a casually racist advertisement that basically took a predominantly black region of the country and draped it in the country club's most ivory of linens.

Say what you want about the absurdity of having a caucasian jazz musician represent Detroit, but don't say that 'Bedrock Real Estate' didn't paint a whitewashed picture so "pure" that it could double as an ad for Benjamin Moore's newest shade of privilege. I mean, if you're going to drastically misrepresent the population of a predominantly African American city then you might as well push your agenda so far that it's impossible to dismiss. Dan Gilbert's might be unfathomably dumb, but you can't say that he doesn't own his absence of a functioning brain through the way he conducts just about all of his business ventures.

I don't know if the point was to pander to Klan member clientele, but if it was then he's pretty much begging for his Yelp! reviews to turn into a proverbial torch burning once his customers meet the neighbors. The fact that he apparently views Detroit as whiter than Kyrie Irving's yacht parties is either a testament to the prescription on his billionaire-colored glasses, or a testament to his lack intelligence. Either way, it's so impressively tone deaf that it almost makes you forget that we are talking about the same guy that essentially set the clock on the ticking time bomb that is his own professional sports franchise, and I truly didn't think that was possible.

"Ahhh, the internet. A place to conveniently share information and opinions without having to worry about society's incessant stupidity shining through."

Well, at least that's how I think Al Gore originally pitched it before it got set aflame with hot takes by social justice warriors. I mean, this thread of tweets - that started because of an innocent mistake - is so symbolic of the shitshow that is social media that I almost can't believe it's real. A typo turns into a passive aggressive insult disguised as a "correction"...

The high road gets suggested, as if everyone that's bickering about temporarily seeing the wrong score of a baseball game they are probably watching anyway and interjecting themselves in a debate about it isn't already riding along rock bottom....

Saga? Dramatic much? High road is an option, but telling people to stop be annoying has better long term impact. As does blocking.

Honestly, if I ever have to explain to an alien what the internet is then I am showing them this engagement as a warning and refusing to give them the WiFi password, because this is a microcosm of how humans can ruin absolutely anything.

TheComeback- Two high school basketball coaches in Tishomingo, Oklahoma have been fired from Tishomingo High School after using a school bus to go buy alcohol.

The two men purchased beer during an out-of-town trip with the team, according to KFOR: “It sort of just disappointed us all,” basketball player Kyle Miller told reporters.

The team was at a basketball camp at Connors State College in nearby Warner, Oklahoma, about two and a half hours from home. While there, the beer run took place at a local convenience store.

What the coaches did was completely wrong, but they were smart enough to not bring minors along for the ride with them.

“We noticed that the school bus was gone but he had told us to stay in our dorms and so we proceeded to do that and we just didn’t find anything out until the next day,” Miller said.

If the players didn’t know where the coaches were going and the coaches didn’t bring anyone along, how exactly did Tishomingo High School officials find out? According to KXII, someone who worked at the convenience store reported the coaches to officials at Connors State.

“We were pretty upset because we paid money out of pocket to go to that camp, because we had to stay for three nights and we had to end up leaving on the second day,” Miller said.

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​Ahhh, the casual reminder that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Slightly weird that it took a bunch of grown men hijacking a school bus to cruise for some booze when they were supposed to be watching over minors for me to truly appreciate that semi-nonsensical saying, but - hey - here we are I suppose.

The fact of the matter is that sometimes you just need beer, and it's during those times when you'll do literally anything to get it. I would think that a (hypocritical) high schooler like Kyle Miller would understand that as he has surely benefited from plenty of fake ID's and unlocked liquor cabinets, but such is the selfishness of our youth. Little assholes can't just look in the mirror, picture themselves 20 years older, and equally as desperate for alcohol. Just too in their own world to realize that social anxiety that can only be cured by substance abuse isn't something that you grow out of. In fact, I could argue that the only people more in need of beer than awkward teenagers that are trying to touch each other's privates is school officials that just completed a day of making sure that the stupid children of others didn't die.

Now, they probably should have parked their predominantly scholastic mode of transportation around the corner to avoid a visual that surely looked like kids lying in wait of their questionable supervision while taking up half a liquor store parking lot, but that's not the point. The point is that feeling compelled to do what it takes to guarantee yourself a well deserved drink is a desire as natural as the one that's ultimately responsible for the bitchy, ungrateful kids that were tasked with staying out of trouble for 15 minutes. And If you ask me, these coaches didn't need some snitch ass, bitch ass of a liquor store clerk to take time away from selling eventual DUI's in Podunk County, Oklahoma to insert himself in that all-too-prevelant process.

I know that Jerry Remy sounds like an out-of-touch idiot for wanting to legislate the ways in which foreign players get more accustomed to playing on the professional level in a completely different country. I know that the Red Sox color commentator's opinion sounds like a manifestation of the antiquated, unaccepting attitudes of the elderly people in charge of a sport that essentially considers "the right way" and "the white way" to be synonymous. Still - while I am inclined to shame his subliminally prejudice line of thinking - I would rather take it one step further. Fuck eliminating translators who aide in the communication between teammates that ultimately benefits the actual game play. That type of institutional bias is too small time. Why not just go all the way with it and re-segregate the league?

I know that sounds harsh, but just take a second to think about it. If there is anything that will teach the old guard that the MLB should be doing anything and everything to cater to minorities it would be watching the type of bush league baseball that would be played without minorities. Take all the latino players off the Phillies for one week, and see if Mike Schmidt is still hesitant to build around one as the centerpiece of the lineup solely because his brand of English is maybe 10% as broken as the rules and regulations governing a dying sport. Imagine Jerry Remy missing out on the opportunity to call the career of the next 'Big Papi' because his Dominican successor wasn't as quick learning the intricacies of English? Let's see if he's so quick to summon his white privilege in hopes of shortening the occasional mound visit by a couple of seconds if he's not careful what he wishes for and it costs him the privilege to watch the most athletically superior of ball players.

Obviously I am being completely facetious. However, at this point I'm not sure there is anything - other than the death of every old, stubborn asshole that glorifies the days in which Babe Ruth was knocking some schmuck named Chad around the neighborhood - that could help to make baseball more progressive. I do know that the sport isn't exactly growing in the states, so maybe the actual move is to make Spanish the official dialect of the diamond. I suppose that doesn't exactly help Masahiro Tanaka. However, there probably wouldn't be too many announcers lightening the blow of saying "learn it or leave it" byusing a transparent term like "baseball language" in an effort to disparage a guy for his inability to completely adapt to a new culture if those announcers were no longer old, white, and repressed.

WOWT- Mili Hernandez is 8 years-old. She loves soccer - and her short haircut.Mili told WOWT 6 News: "When my hair starts to grow I put it short because I've always had short hair. I didn't like my hair long."

Mili plays soccer for Omaha's Azzuri Cachorros girls club team. She's so good that she plays on the 11 year-old roster even though she's 8. Her father, Gerardo Hernandez, couldn't be more proud. He told WOWT 6 News: "It's what she likes. It's what she always wants to do - play soccer."

This weekend Mili helped lead her team to the final day of the Springfield Soccer Club girls tournament. However, before taking the field on Sunday, Mili and her team were suddenly disqualified. Springfield soccer organizers insisted Mili was a boy.

Mili added: "Just because I look like a boy doesn't mean I am a boy. They don't have a reason to kick the whole club out."

Mili's family claims they showed her insurance card to tournament organizers in an effort to prove she's a girl. It wasn't enough.

Mili's brother, Cruz Hernandez, told WOWT 6 News: "They didn't want to listen. They said the president made his decision and there wasn't any changing that."

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Middle America, for the loss! I suppose assuming that more...um...understanding regions of the country aren't capable of mistaking a short haired girl as a boy based on looks alone is a dangerous proposition. However, being presented with official documentation and responding by essentially saying "uhh, we know the difference between boys and girls, idiots!" just seems very characteristic of the type of person walking around town with a piece of straw sticking from their mouth.

Like, if this happened in the Northeast then some organizer easily would have let a 'Jawanna Man' situation take place just to avoid being taken to task over gender generalizations. If this had happened in California the tournament officials would have been like "you are whatever you say/think/or believe you are". In Nebraska, on the other hand, even children have to check all the stereotypical boxes of their birth sex or not even a government issued identification can save them from being put in a gender specific box. I don't mean to say that every person whose residence is commonly flown over doesn't realize that every little girl isn't running around with hair half way down her back while wearing a shin-length dress, but it's certainly a viewpoint that is more likely to be held in the heartland.

Welp, that's one way to go from sweating out questions under the bright lights of one of the most prestigious gameshows to sweating out questions under the brighter, much hotter lights of an interrogation room. I know our boy Tom just accidentally induced verbal vomiting in the name of timeliness. Still, it's probably not wise to imply that you have absolutely no idea how statutory rape works when you have the look of someone who hasn't not shown up to a stranger's house with a 6-pack of wine coolers, a blindfold, and a coil of roping. Poor guy isn't the first person to sound stupid while answering in the form of a question, but he very well might be the person to sound guilty while answering in the form of a question. Christ, Chris Hanson probably thought he was tuning in to take a break from putting sexual predators behind bars, and instead a goddamn amber alert made his ears shoot up as it interrupted the show that he uses for mental exercise.

Credit to Alex Trebek for not letting that thoughtless retort sit on air like stale fart, but there is nothing he could have done to completely mask the lasting stench of perceptual pedophilia. That one is going to stick with Tom for awhile, and it probably should. If only so he doesn't go around assuming there's anything common about lawlessly bedding middle schoolers under the belief that they are old enough to definitively say "yes" or "no".

Fanboys are livid they weren’t invited to a women-only screening of the superhero movie at Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, Texas.

Alamo Drafthouse announced its “No Guys Allowed” screening on Wednesday night, a week ahead of the highly anticipated film’s release. The theater added that everyone from venue staff to projectionists to culinary staff would be female — and outraged internet trolls immediately swarmed.

Mike Canales asked whether the company would host men-only screenings of “Man of Steel,” “The Terminator,” “Escape From New York,” or “Demolition Man.” Bradley Lucio claimed hypocrisy, asking: “Could you imagine the anger and outrage from the liberal staff of Alamo if Trump held an all male screening at the White House or even if another theatre did an all-male screening?!”

“Have you ever hosted a men’s only showing of any film?” wondered Bill Fairbrother on Facebook.

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Sexist? SEXIST!?! Clearly this select group of socially awkward misfits has never been trivialized before, because you know what would really be sexist? If men were forced to watch a movie that starred a stinky, smelly girl and her super cootie powers as the lead. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good fictitious tale of heroism, but making the superhero a woman? I am glad this is an all-female screening, because - as someone whose gender provides them the brawn and bravery necessary to battle intergalactic beings - I simply would rather not have my ability to suspend disbelief shattered by a member of the fairer sex somehow saving the day.

​I'll never claim that my movie viewership has standards but I'll be damned if it doesn't have double standards, so let's just say there's a reason that I have never wondered why a woman wasn't cast in a cape. I honestly can't believe there are men out there making themselves look stupid by fighting against the inherent injustices faced by nerdy white males, because I'm perfectly content only viewing screenings that feature ladies in the supporting roles in which they belong. While a bunch of needle-dicked dorks are out picketing the plight of having a penis, I think I'll just stay in and watch Mrs. Cleaver serve up a family dinner in the only costume I'm interested in seeing even the most wonderful of woman wear...an apron.

In all seriousness, you really have to be some kind of tone deaf asshole to make your delayed viewing of a sci-fi film into some societal issue that's plaguing the privileged. Never mind the hypocrisy necessary to claim hypocrisy, because if merely having to wait a day to see a 'Marvel' movie has you ready to die on the hill that men are being marginalized then you're too little of a bitch to board the ride through the glass ceiling to the cinematic empowerment of women.

​P.S. I love me some Turtle, but this response is nothing short of brilliant....

The company’s social media team replied: “We’ve never done showings where you had to be a man to get in, but we *did* show the ‘Entourage’ movie a few years ago.”

FoxBusiness- Pro golfer Tiger Woods disclosed to the Jupiter Police Department a variety of prescription drugs that he may have taken after he was arrested for a DUI while asleep at the wheel of his car.

In the probable cause affidavit, first obtained by The Palm Beach Post, Woods said he has prescriptions for four drugs, Soloxex, Vicodin and Torix. He also listed an anti-inflammatory drug Vioxx, but noted he had not taken the drug in over a year. Vioxx, which was manufactured by Merck (NYSE:MRK), was pulled off the market nearly 13 years ago after allegedly being linked to cardiovascular issues.

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Whew, here I was thinking that Tiger Woods knew the danger he could have been to other drivers when he got behind the wheel, but nope - he just had an inexplicably bad reaction to a handful of pills that undoubtedly resembled the prescription equivalent of a mixed bag of Skittles. What a relief that it wasn't alcohol that was that was to blame! Those gosh darn side effects. You just never know when they are going to creep up and bite you in the ass at the worst possible time. Especially when there's three (maybe 4, but who is counting?) different lists of them that could come into play to counteract each other. I mean, seriously....who would have guessed that taking multiple painkillers would leave someone woozy and at risk of an untimely nap?

Jeez, now that I know that Tiger Woods didn't negligently wash down his drug cocktail with a beer I almost sort of feel bad for him. He's not a criminal that knowingly swallowed a pharmacy before hopping in what basically amounted to a high velocity death contraption. He's just a victim of modern medicine and the problems that result when you try to talk advantage of everything it has to offer....at the same damn time. Poor guy. There better be some doctor out there that loses it's license after such a gross act of treating an adult like responsible adult. Someone needs to admit fault, and I'll be damned if it should be the guy that left the house looking like he either got repeatedly hit over the head with a bottle of one of the only substances not in his system or fell victim to another golf club.

TheGrio- A white police officer in Michigan took a genetic test through Ancestry.com in December and was surprised to learn that 18 percent of his ancestral DNA traced back to Africa. However, his colleagues in the police department and even at the city level didn’t seem to take the news of his ancestry well.

According to a suit filed on behalf of Cleon Brown, officers in the Hastings Police Department whispered “Black Lives Matter” as they passed him, and the chief referred to him as “Kunte,” after the character in Alex Haley’s novel “Roots: The Saga of an American Family.”

“There was an instance where my client was talking to the mayor, and the mayor ― upon learning that my client was 18 percent African-American ― proceeded to tell him a racist joke” using a racial slur, Brown’s attorney, Karie Boylan, told CBS Detroit.

Additionally, the Christmas tree in the office was decorated with different Santa Claus figurines, each named after the different officers on the force. The one for Brown was black, with “18%” written on the beard.

Brown has since filed a federal civil rights lawsuit for $500,000 and is also calling for better racial sensitivity training for the officers.

In responding to the suit, the City of Hastings claimed that it was Brown himself who kept bringing up his heritage and making inappropriate jokes about it, according to WOOD-TV. The officer involved in the Santa incident has apologized to Brown, and the city claims that the chief told the officers that further jokes about Brown’s heritage would not be tolerated.

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If this isn't symbolic of the luck that African Americans tend to have with the police then I don't know what the hell is. The first minority that has a legitimate opportunity to get one over on law enforcement and hold them accountable for what sounds like institutional racism isssss...82% white. Someone could finally get paid reparations for the racial profiling that is prevalent in an oft-crooked profession, and that person isssss...some dude that has never been pulled over not knowing what he did wrong. Those in positions of authority might have to pay for the n-bombs and 'Roots' references used in the office and the recipient isssss....some asshole that unquestionably found that type of discrimination hilarious until he realized he could monetize it.

If I were a black person I would be jumping up and down screaming "it's just not fucking fair!" after reading this story. All they asked for is the indictment of one or two cops out of the handful that shot and killed unarmed African Americans so they could get a little peace of mind, and what did they get instead? Potentially a 6 figure payout to some dude who - at his blackest - could casually walk down a suburban street in the middle of the night and not automatically be deemed the lead suspect in a yet-to-be-reported crime. Casual racism is finally brought to justice, and the white man still walks away richer. Never mind the percentages and his skin color, do you know how I know this guy couldn't possibly be more caucasian? He immediately tried to extort what little blackness he did have for all it was worth.

P.S. Cleon Brown? CLEON BROWN?! That had to be a post-ancestry test name change, right?

DrSaturday- Three Illinois football players were arrested on Wednesday on charges of home invasion and armed robbery after an alleged incident at a school dormitory.

Darta Lee, Zarrian Holcombe and Howard Watkins were all booked throughout Wednesday morning at Champaign County Jail, according to online records. All three are set to be arraigned at 1:30 p.m. CT on Thursday.

Champaign police Lt. Dave Shaffer told the (Champaign) News-Gazette that the incident appeared to be a “stupid plan” that went wrong once the victim recognized the voice of one of the players.

“Three individuals entered an apartment masked and the victim recognized one of them by voice,” Shaffer said. “He pulled his mask off and tried to make light of the situation. One of them produced what we now know to be fake firearm and demanded cash.”

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I would love to play the contrarian here, but it's tough not to agree with the Police Lieutenant in saying this was - indeed - a stupid plan. Three football players thinking that they could rob the apartment of someone that knew at least one of them well enough to be like "Darta? That you bro?" when he said "give me all your money now" is - objectively speaking - not smart. Continuing to carry out the theft after your accomplice unveils his not-so-secret identity is - without question - actually dumb. That said, I can't help but think that quick and easy voice recognition wasn't even the most mind-numbing aspect of this attempted robbery.

Consider this - Darta Lee is 6'3, 300 pounds, Zarrian Holcombe is 6'6, 220 pounds, and Howard Watkins is 6'5, 280 pounds. Who the fuck did they think they were fooling with ski masks? I admittedly haven't visited the University of Illinois, but something tells me that trio tends to stick out around campus. I'm honestly shocked that the victim had to hear them speak before putting the pieces together. I bet the guy that they tried to stick up could recognize them from afar while they are running around the practice field in full pads and helmets, so why the hell would a thin piece of black cloth over their faces throw him off their scent? You know how people say that the kid that matures faster than his peers "doesn't know his own strength"? Well, it's very clear that these three stooges don't know their own damn size, because I'm almost positive that they gave themselves away the second they had to duck through the doorway they kicked open.

CFT- In a statement released via Twitter on Friday, Jay Paterno confirmed that he had been elected to serve on Penn State’s board of trustees. The Centre Daily Times reports he was the top vote-getter in elections and was one of three people elected to the nine seats on the board reserved for alumni.

Paterno is a former quarterback for the Nittany Lions and later coached under his father Joe Paterno, the school’s legendary but tarnished coach. Both were shown the door by the school’s board back in 2012 following revelations in the Jerry Sandusky child sexual abuse scandal.

​The election of Jay Paterno is bound to open up more wounds at the school as he’s been an outspoken critic about how the school has handled his father’s legacy and what he did or did not know about Sandusky over the years. It’s even more interesting because the younger Paterno has been involved in several lawsuits against the school over the years as fallout from the matter as well.

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At this point there is almost nothing - short of opening an under-15 nudist colony next to their practice field - that Penn State could do to honor the memory of a long time enabler of child molestation that would surprise me. The fact that his son was elected to the Board of Trustees for a university whose predatory grounds his father used to protect was about as shocking as the fact that he was certain enough of his daddy's "innocence" to take excessive legal action against that very same university. The seemingly unanimous decision to ignore the obvious conflict of interest (never mind marginalize the mental and physical harm his legacy indirectly did to dozens upon dozens of kids) is as tone deaf as it gets, but - in fairness - Penn State has never given any inclination that they keep their ear to the streets. Need proof of that?

Look no further than Jay Paterno posting his acceptance letter on social media as though it were something that was going to be met with anything other than outrage. This fucking guy acted like he was addressing his proud constituents when all he was doing was throwing himself on the mercy of the most ruthless of courts - the court of online opinion. I suppose you could make the argument that he trying to get out ahead of the backlash by announcing it before it eventually came out anyway, but I hesitate to give anyone from that campus-wide cult any sort of benefit of the doubt. That "thank you" note reads like the person who wrote it thought he was going to step away from the metaphorical mic to a chorus of applause. I know that Penn State and the Paterno family will never quite "get" the magnitude of their negligence, but - for Christ's sake - is it too much to ask them not to be negligent to the moral code of literally everyone else in the world?

I know this is a dangerous thing to request given their history, but lie to me Penn State. Just fucking lie to me. Add the face of everything that is wrong with your university to your Board of Trustees internally. FaceTime him in when there's a decision that needs botching. It's not like you haven't been able to keep far more incriminating secrets in the past. I've honestly become so desensitized to the school-wide stupidity that the thing that bothered me the most about this news was that Jay Paterno - himself - delivered it like it was a goddamn State Of The Union.

TheComeback-You would think someone wanted on four arrest warrants would keep a low profile. But Brazilian soccer player Marlon Nataneal de Lima Alexandre decided to keep on playing for Sapucaiense in the Campeonato Gaúcho Second Division.

During a match on Wednesday, police showed up while Lima was sitting on the reserve bench, promptly cuffing him and taking him into custody.

According to Gaúcha, a local news outlet, Lima allegedly participated in a violent kidnapping of a 67-year-old woman in October. The perpetrators held her at gunpoint outside a mall and then spent about $1,400 on her credit cards.

​Police had trouble tracking down Lima until they learned he played for Sapucaiense. Club president José Luis Rech Cristianetti said he was unaware of Lima’s past and called the arrest “a sad surprise,” according to Gaúcha.

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You know what, I'm glad this guy got cuffed on the field in front of everyone. Obviously he deserved it after racking up his 4th different arrest warrant by kidnapping a grandmother, but that's not even the point. The point is that a regular, behind-the-scenes jailing wouldn't have been nearly shameful enough for someone that couldn't even properly extort a 67 year old woman for $1,400.

They should have pulled his pants down at mid-field and let Ms. Daisy walk out with her wooden spoon to give him one whack on the bum for each dollar stolen. Marlon Nataneal de LimaAlexandre (say that 5 times fast) deserved all that embarrassment and then some. The only thing more pathetic than kidnapping a senior citizen - for what has to be considered chump change relative to the crime - is not even having the decency to do it well. Do you know how much intimidation you have to lack for an old lady to walk straight down to la estacion de policia after having a semi-professional backup soccer player hold a gun to her head? All of it. All the intimidation.

These idiots tried to pick the low hanging fruit and still bit of more than they could chew. How are you going to threaten the life of someone whose a few years away from needing help crossing the street and still not be able to keep her goddamn mouth shut? Not only is that a ringing endorsement of how fearless women are while shopping is at stake, but it's an indictment of the scare tactics of the saddest kidnappers of all time who still got busted after having the gall to push aside a women's AARP card to empty her bank account.

Kentucky- The odds were long, but a couple of University of Kentucky students decided it was worth the risk to climb through the ceiling ducts to a teacher’s office to steal a statistics exam.

Unfortunately for them, the teacher is a night owl.

According to UK Police, UK statistics instructor John Cain had been working late in his third floor office in the Multidisciplinary Science Building on Rose Street on Tuesday night. About midnight, he left to get something to eat. When he returned about 1:30 a.m., he tried to unlock the door, but it was blocked by something.

“He yelled out that he was calling the police and then the door swung open and two young men ran down the hallway,” recounted UK spokesman Jay Blanton.

Shortly after police arrived, one of the students returned and confessed. Henry Lynch II, a 21-year-old junior majoring in biosystems engineering, gave police an earful, including that he’d climbed through the building’s air ducts to the ceiling above Cain’s office and dropped down into the room, then unlocked the door and let in his friend, sophomore Troy Kiphuth, 21, who was not in Cain’s class.

Lynch also told them he had already tried to steal the exam earlier that evening around 6 p.m., but couldn’t find it. And, he said, it wasn’t the first time: Earlier in the semester, he’d successfully stolen another exam from Cain’s office, but he assured officers that he had not shared the answers with other students.

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If there's one thing my father taught me growing up it's that working smart is just as important as working hard - if not more so. So while I appreciate the effort that this kid put in just to pass a college class, I must question the level of thought he put into it.

Seriously, it makes total sense that the object of his desire was a statistics exam, because - statistically speaking - there is a whole hell of a lot more that can go wrong trying to drop through your professor's ceiling like a member of the SWAT team than there is in - oh, I don't know - writing some formulas down on a cheat sheet? This kid couldn't even do the math necessary to limit his chances of getting caught cheating in 'Statistics', so he damn sure wasn't a cram session away from passing the exam without a copy of it. I'm not so sure that the rate of success when breaking and entering like you watched 'Die Hard' one too many times was included in the testable material, but if it was then Henry Lynch definitely would have gotten that question wrong no matter how many times he looked over it in advance.

​If you had any doubts that this kid's analytical skills were too hopeless to improve by studying then just take a gander at the one problem he tried solving. Didn't get the exam, confessed to multiple crimes, and threw his all-too-generous accomplice who had nothing to gain in the first place right under the bus. Of course he needed an extra night to find a common denominator, this kid doesn't have a fraction of common sense.

eBay- This is the REAL DEAL !!! Aaron Hernandez’ infamous silver Toyota 4-runner. As seen in the New York Times, we’re auctioning off this piece of Patriots football memorabilia. This Toyota was given to Hernandez to drive by Fox Toyota in East Providence Rhode Island, for guest appearances, and signings at the dealership, as he was rising to stardom as a tight-end tandem with Rob Gronkowski. This is the 4-runner Boston Police had been searching for in connection with a shooting outside a boston nightclub. The vehicle was found in Hernandez, uncles garage in Bristol Rhode Island, and brought to Boston Police departments impound yard, where it has been until last week. The Toyota is just the way it came from the impound yard, and still has the black soot on the map lights, and sunroof switch where the police dusted for finger prints !! The SUV has 53,000 miles on the odometer, and runs great !! The winner of the auction will also receive a framed jersey autographed, by Hernandez himself. Nows your chance to own this infamous piece of famous football memorabilia !!

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All due respect to those that prematurely left us by hook, crook, or bed sheet, but it is quite the time to be alive! Not only is a deceased psychopath's former means of transportation allegedly available on the open market, but there's 60(!) bids on it! I'm obviously skeptical as to whether or not that is actually Aaron Hernandez' car, but the truth of the matter is that this story is just as ridiculous regardless.

Consider this. Not only did a person - suspiciously named "Buddy" - believe a reliable SUV with manageable mileage would be more valuable if it was known to be an incriminating piece of evidence in a murder trial that returned a guilty verdict. Not only did he think that a framed jersey signed by a tight end turned homicidal maniac was a hell of a pot sweetener. But he's probably going to end up being right on both counts!

There's some crazy son of a bitch that currently has over $16,000 (and rapidly rising) invested in a goddamn murder mobile that I can't imagine they plan on using to get their kids to soccer. You damn sure aren't driving that thing around without being haunted by it's felonious past so - other than sticking a certificate of authenticity in the windshield and using it as a lawn ornament to scare away any and all neighbors/potential intruders - I can't think of one single use for that 4Runner. Hell, I doubt the people that didn't think twice before bidding can either. There are undoubtedly multiple suitors that saw the eerie soot on the interior of a decade old Toyota and thought "I don't know why, but I need to own this manslaughter machine". If that's not an indictment of society as a whole then the fact that someone's going to be let down by losing out on the opportunity to hang murderous memorabilia - complete with an elementary autograph - in their living room certainly is.