This is not fiction.
straight-talking, forward-thinking, lover of many things master of one: myself.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Pet Hates.

Ok – gonna tell you some pet hates that occurred on my way into work today.

People speaking on hands-free sets, hands-free mobiles, whatever the terminology is. WTF? Just hold the fucking phone in your hand, why don’t ya? You have at least one spare hand. Are you too important or too lazy? But you don’t mind looking a tit walking down the street, appearing to be talking to yourself.

People saying their surnames, slowwllly as though it’s really, really, important and that I should be honoured that I am talking to them. Get a life. I’m not impressed that you have a surname. Most people do.

Men who think they’re really cool. Women that think they are, I can tolerate. I find it almost endearing. Men? They get on my fucking nerves. You know the type; they try to hold you hostage with excess amounts of eye contact ,they’re overly chatty, and they grin at you constantly, believing that that they’re being charm personified– when actually, they’re just creepy and highly irritating.

People that speak really fast. Slow the hell down. What’s wrong with you? This tends to be privately educated people or Catherine Tate’s ‘ face bovvered’ types. I know it’s a huge generalisation – but there we are...

People eating while talking on the phone. I know you think it sounds informal and somehow ‘cool’ – I used to think that too when I was at junior school. Now, please swallow your food before you pick up the blower. It’ll only hold you up by a few seconds. You might be busy – but I don’t suppose even Barack Obama takes calls with his mouth full..

People eating loudly. I have a real problem with this. Chomping and making a big deal out of doing something that we all do, every god dam day really winds me up. Pipe down. There is no need or reason for this. Why? Why? Why torture the innocent people that you’re with, with this incessant noise? It’s just not fair...

And something that made me grin my head off was, ‘Hug a ginger day’. Please. It’s not the ‘ginger’ aspect to this that is funny, it’s the concept of such prejudicial segregation being so wrong, yet laughing, while looking over ones shoulder to make sure no one catches you.