Communication isn’t a big thing. And learning hurts. And we’re emotional beings, and try to avoid it the best we can. We focus on what’s tangible, visible. The rest is a big pretend game. Magicians throwing words here and there. The ones with most status or the ones with a nice convincing flow gets a “Bingo! You’re REAL”. crap crap shit shit.

Had lovely talks again with one particular swedish speaking individual who really gets some weird kicks out of reading this blog. [ Hello !! ] She contacts me over the chat and has paranoid onesided rants on me being a collaborator with the police and all the right wing evil ones of the world. The last time around i was letting off some steam. Cause she was getting into insulting me: “stupid fuck”, “dork”, “mediaWHORE”, and i was saying “you too”, “you too” and “slimy booger in your eye”. “john sperm all over your paranoid keyboard-scribbling bitter fingers ” “john sperm in your nose” etc. we eventually got into pee and poo as well.

“S H” is my fan number one. Always there with some unintelligible criticism that due to her S H-yness (?) can never be deciphered into something that would be in use for this blog. But thanks for reading anyways. Here’s some fan photos especially for you…

"Yes, it's favorite fan number one! SH! Yeay!"

"Booger in your eye, SH! John SPEERM!!"

In the beginning it was kind of interesting. I wanted to find out how this person thinks or relates to things. But it’s just this same shit shit crap crap supremacist aggression coming out over and over again. And always on her terms. I’m just there asking questions into empty space, that she can choose to respond to, be silent, or just come with some weird cryptical paranoid crap shit. That I’m supposed to understand. Because when i clearly say i don’t, there’s some nice verbal abuse coming up. Well two can play that game, so right back attcha! SH, you should get a blog… It would be healthy for you.

And what else. Talked with a woman once again about the crap shit situation with the social centre not being a place where everybody can speak and act freely, but more a popularity competition in the friend hierarchy. It was weird, but also developing speaking with her. Cause i feel i really dropped all fear in this issue. The power relations are there out in the open. Visible for some. And for others it’s just normal and equal and okay. This woman didn’t have any personal problems with me, but thought that some “friends” who don’t want me around in the social centre scene, are worth more than the friends who want a discussion on what the hell is going on. Her unawareness frightens me. The value system she speaks with ease – erasing my human rights – and rationalizing away any bumps in the logic, and when the questions get to hard and we talk about her responsibility in this, she gets very tired and says she’s not interested in talking about this anymore. She sees no other way out than to collaborate with the “friends” who want me out, and say “hush, hush” to the friends that say there’s still something really important to talk about.

And more. Had a strange email exchange with a person in Hungary. Subject line: “feminists in budapest?” to which i got a reply that i shouldn’t even think about going there cause there are persons there calling me “paranoid and accusing” and therefore i would run a risk of getting the same kind of social affair going on there as here in Helsinki. Exclusion at least till spring or summer, then for some magic reason “the scene” wouldn’t have a “1000% sure consensus” on my co-existence with others being a certain no-go anymore. What would change from now, till spring? Persons coming or leaving? Elections on leadership within the scene coming up? Or just the lightness of bird twitter in the air, getting people in a not so sullen and unfriendly mood?

Once again there was this weird submissive logic going on. Apparently if someone talks about me in a not so nice way, and also has the influence to affect others with what they say, then I should just give up existence without even quenching my endless burning curiosity with a childlike: “Why?” Why am I perceived as paranoid and accusing…?

The winner takes it all. And being born with a cunt apparently set me off on an eternal losing streak. My words can make no magic. My emotional reality is as credible as a Unicorn. All nice and dandy in fairytales but nothing to do with the REAL world. No Bingo shouts for me… And it pisses me off. Being handed all these faulty no-win cards with smiles and reassurance that “sure, we still care…” And lies about this not having anything to do with the system, but more something to do with me not being bright enough to get how things work. I should put some effort into fitting in better. Try to adjust a bit more.

Sometimes being in this oppressive muddy surreal existence, where walls are said to be open spaces and empty eyes and empty blah blah is all i get. Well, being pissed off can make life bearable. If I’m pissed off enough I put my magic wherever I please. I stop playing along.

[Sketch based on the REAL world] Educational video number one:

there are more of these sketches, but they easily turn misogynistic after a while. too much ha-ha over the real condition we’re in…

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One Response

I don’t know to which post comment, because so many of your ideas are interesting to me..and often when I read, it’s like my inner voice spoke.

I can’t really say much now, there’s much more to read here, only then maybe I would be able to comment properly.

About feminism that I have had to do with..
Sometimes at work when I hear others talking behind back of some person with dirty mouths, I gently try to take that person’s side, as the absent cannot defend themselves. To my surprise I was mocked and (negatively) called a feminist! I am not an activist like you, probably I would disagree on some points with you, yet males called me a feminist..and I often am approached by their taking my private space at work, leaning towards me, holding my chair or just disturbing my work. Even commenting on my look in some weird way, instead of saying something positive.It’s really annoying.

When I was younger I was often called a ‘fighter’ because I used to say what I think. Nowadays I don’t do it that often although recently encouraged by some people to do so. At work however it is not proper. You are brave to fight for your ideas. I nowadays try to fight my own weaknesses and I kind of learned to accept the world as it is. And rather live in it than correct it. But every day I see the dirt and it hurts me so much that I don’t feel like continuing this life anymore.

Also many times my parents commented on my taking care of my friends rather then the family. I don’t feel too bonded with them, but this issue is somewhat problematic for me for reasons which I would not like to discuss here.
Very often ideas like: is blood really more important than love to friends/mates/partners? Why should a wife be let into the hospital’s room whilst ‘only’ a friend not?

Parents…family..There was never talking about feelings, just hiding them. Me with my highly emotional nature – I am like black sheep in this family. I wish I could tell them I love them..

I have more ideas, perhaps we could talk sometime? Forgive my plain language and writing about myself. I don’t often comment on blogs. I don’t really feel worthy of writing here, as you seem to be an Individual.

Accept my humble greetings and good luck with everything,
Dana from Poland