John M.: I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!

Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.

Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like!

Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!

Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.

Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

John Malkovich: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!

Craig: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.

John M.: It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!

Craig: And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?

Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.

Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.

Maxine: What's he been in?

Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you realize what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it.