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So my friend Elyse recently moved from Quincy to fucking Missouri. I personally would like her to come back because she’s hilarious, but I will at least settle for this small dose of her in this Facebook message rant she sent me (I am not editing it because I want to keep it real, so fuck off with the autocorrect).

Things People in Quincy Take For Granted

Since I moved to the midwest I know firsthand the shit I miss that I wasn’t grateful enough for such as:

“Wolly beach is dirty” – umm the only water I am near is drainage pipes and a filthy Missouri River that barely moves.

Sub shops. There is no where other than Subway that I can get a sub. I have yet to find anywhere with buff chick subs or italian subs.

Shitty bars. Pony room? Peggy’s? Yes, gross… but you can act like a cracked out Bobby Brown there and it’s all good.. the bars I go to around here are all franchises such as McFaddens, Bar Louie, Howl at the Moon… sooo nowhere acceptable for me to do a shot, puke on the floor, and continue dancing without anyone giving it a second thought.

Chinese food. I can’t even get fucking scallion pancakes. Nuff said.

Public Transportation. If my car broke down today I would have no other means of transport other than a cab.. I can’t even walk anywhere it is so far.. and I live in the fucking city.

Massholes.. yes it is nice to be in the midwest where everyone is friendly but it is expected to be reciprocated, so on the day that I am hungover, wake up late, forget my wallet, and hit bumper to bumper traffic I am still expected to be Suzy Fucking Sunshine to every fucking stranger / passerby. In Mass if I don’t say “hi how are you” to a stranger walking by on the street no one would think anything of it.

Irish breakfast: another thing I cannot for the fucking life of me find is a place that serves an Irish breakfast.

Quincy Drama. Believe it or not other people in this country do not operate like we do in Quincy and everyone bitches about drama and shit talking, but lets be honest: your lives would be unbearably boring without it. I have to vicariously live through Facebook drama/phone calls with people detailing the weekly dramas of Q town. How I long to be a part of it once again.

Junkies. Yes, even junkies. They nod out on the train and beg for change and attempt to rob banks to no avail on a daily basis, but in the midwest we’re dealing with mother fuckers on Meth, blowing up their fucking houses and shit. Example: the two brothers who just hit the lotto in Kansas and proceeded to smoke their weed/meth with a butane torch (you know because a fixed crack Bic lighter just won’t do) and blow their fucking house up. Let’s hope the lotto ticket was in the house with them.

Dunkies. The closest Dunkies to me is a half hour away. The closest place to get a coffee is a Starbucks 10 minutes away in a fucking supermarket. If I want a morning coffee it is from a gas station. Oh, and people out here don’t know what ‘Dunkies’ is so you will have to use the proper name for it, ‘Dunkin Donuts’.

Music. If you want to hear Maroon 5, Pink, and Taylor swift on repeat all fucking day, you’d be in heaven here. Or you can listen to country. The options are endless – NOT. Worse than kiss 108. I feel like I am in hell.

Food/Drink. I live in the fucking meat capital of the states. The midwest is all fucking cattle, but I go to the market and there is barely any meat. Next time I will take a pic. It looks like Stoppy before a fucking blizzard or the holidays but its just like that on the reg… its crazy! Ginger ale / seltzer water isn’t even sold at fucking convenient stores. Shits whack. And no Poland Spring.. I get Ozark water.

yea odowds is in the plaza… which is not even close to where i live.. thats not a sub its a sandwich.. and i avoid the plaza at all cost because parking is a bitch.. bold face lie.. i think not. I am talking a pizza connection style buff chick sub

This is great. Well put – I’ve been fortunate to live in Chicago for 6+ yrs but I complain on a semi-daily basis still that the Midwest is retarded when it comes to sub shops. I sound like an old schizophrenic dude.

Ok, all so I lived in Rock Springs, Wyoming for 8 years – I know, I was briefly feckin retahded – no matter what you say, there is NO good music, the closest Dunks was 4 hours away and everyone grew up on game meat here except me so I had spectacular diahrrea for the record – spasm after feckin spasm)That’s all i got