Can Questions Stop Approach Anxiety?

October 17, 2012

I was reading a newsletter article this morning by Scott McKay, Author of “Deserve What You Want” and “The Engineer’s Guide To Being Cooler Than The Sales Guy” which asked the question “Are you too safe?”

Essentially he pointed out the obvious (which often needs to be pointed out), we guys seldom consider that a woman’s top priority when meeting or dating a guy is her safety.

If she doesn’t feel safe with you she isn’t going to be attracted to you.

At all…

HOWEVER, if you are too safe, and offer no adventure, fun, or leadership, she won’t be attracted either.

I know for me personally as a highly sensitive guy, I actually was aware of women’s concerns about pushy, controlling jerks who would “take advantage” of a woman, and be domineering, threatening, even abusive.

I so didn’t want to be that guy that I just made myself totally safe

Read: “BORING.”

But here’s where the law of attraction comes in.

And BTW this is the big Law of Attraction of the Universe. Not just of dating. We are like radio towers. Whatever we are focused on we are broadcasting. If we are focused on what we don’t want, we bring that right in. It takes the same amount of effort to attract what you want as it is to attract what you don’t want.

All those years I was focused on not being a jerk.

I was focused on not being too aggressive. I was focused on being respectful… and I ended up being a safe, passive, boring guy. Women aren’t attracted to that. So I felt rejected. I didn’t want to feel rejected so I retreated and became a “shy guy.” The only women who I ended up being with were really aggressive, pushy, domineering, control freaks…

Exactly what I DIDN’T want.

So instead of focusing on whether you are a good guy or a nice guy or a bad boy or a player or whatever you don’t want to be…

I want to challenge you to take a moment and actually write out a list of who you want to be and “How” you want to be.

For example instead of writing, “I don’t want to creep women out” or ” I don’t want to be shy and lonely anymore” you would write, “I want to be comfortable and confident in ways that attractive women find attractive.” or ” I want to be the man attractive women want to date or to be in relationship with.”

Once you have found what it is you want, you need to re-word it slightly so that it’s in a “Why” or “How” question (I’ll explain why in a moment).

For example: “Why am I comfortable and confident in ways that attractive women find attractive?” or, “Why am I the man attractive women want to date or be in a relationship with?” or “Why am I in a great relationship?” or “Why am I a great lover?”

Use your imagination here.

Feel free to really speak what you want in these questions

The other option is to use a “how” question:

“How can I create the kind of comfort and confidence that attractive women attractive?”

“How can I be the man attractive women want to date, (have sex with, be in a relationship with, etc.)?”

I would then recommend you begin to say that to yourself throughout the day. I strongly urge you to write it out by hand at least 10 times a day.

Please do NOT try to consciously answer the question.

Do NOT try to figure out how to make it true. Your unconscious mind will do that outside of your conscious awareness. This is a proven fact. Trust me on this. Sometimes I’ll just ask myself: “Why am I so attractive to the women I’m most attracted to?”

As I go through my day.

Sometimes I keep it really simple: “Why am I so attractive to great women?”

You want to make sure you are specific here because your unconscious mind is also hardwired to follow the path of least resistance. In other words our unconscious minds are a bit lazy. If you ask “Why do I make more money today?” without giving a specific dollar amount, your unconscious mind will expand your awareness to notice the penny on the sidewalk.

Seriously. It’s really literal.

So you have to make sure you don’t just say, “Why am I attractive to women?” because while that’s nice, there may be a lot of women in their 80’s who find your 35 year old self “Hot”! Now maybe you’re in your 90’s. That’s cool.

But you just want to be specific as well as simple so your unconscious mind can begin to deliver what it is you really want.

In my soon to be released course “CRUSH Approach Anxiety” I teach multiple ways to literally program your new beliefs and behaviors into your neurology. But this is a good place to start today.

The reason this works

Your unconscious mind is hard wired to seek evidence to support any question you ask.

The thing is your unconscious mind does not know the difference between a good, empowering question and a weak, negative one. Or as I mentioned above, it does not know the difference between a vague general question or a highly targeted and specific one.

Your unconscious mind doesn’t process information like that. Imagine it’s like a robot or a computer. The quality of the command or the data being entered determines the result. It is only doing it’s best to give you what it thinks you want.

Either way our questions become self fulfilling prophecies. What to test this? just take a moment and pay attention to the habitual questions you ask yourself.

If you are anything like me (trust me, I learned this stuff the hard way) you’ve probably been asking, “Why can’t I find women who want to date me?” or “Why am I so shy?” or “Why am I such a loser?” or “How come I’m so shy?”

SOUND EFFECT: Phonograph needle being ripped off of an LP record….. STOP. CANCEL!

Give it a shot.

Oh, and in the new course I share a secret phrase (yes it’s a question) that is practically guaranteed to improve your life if you make it your new “default” self talk. It will destroy fear of rejection. It will destroy the old pattern of beating yourself up for not saying “hi” to that woman who you’d be curious to get to know… It is just one tool in a huge arsenal soon to be at your disposal to stop approach anxiety dead in it’s tracks.

The main thing we men need to “get” about women is that they are highly, highly intuitive. They pick up instinctively on what unspoken thoughts we are broadcasting. This is great news because when you change your own thoughts about yourself, women will respond.

And changing your habitual questions to yourself is a key piece of creating the kind of transformation in your life that you know you want.

Now.

Any Questions? Please feel free to use the handy form below to reach out to me and I promise to get back to you as soon as I humanly can!