Adopted woman wants to meet half siblings; birth mom says no

DEAR ANNIE: I am a 50-year-old adoptee. About 10 years ago, I was finally able to locate my biological mother. It took me months to work up the nerve to phone her, and the call was a nightmare.

Her first words were, “How did you find me? I was told nobody would ever know.” That was followed by, “What do you want from me?” I explained that the laws in Kansas had changed, and they released the information. I told her I didn’t want anything except family medical history and some knowledge of where I came from. I told her I understood those were different times and I hold no ill will because I’ve had a wonderful life with adoptive parents who love me.

I cried for three days after that call. I was completely crushed. Four days later, she called back, quite apologetic, and we talked for more than an hour. Obviously, she needed time to get past the shock.

Here’s the problem. She has three other children who are all adults now, and she doesn’t want them to know about me. She told her late husband, but she spent years fearing I would contact her. I do not agree with her position. I feel the kids have a right to know they have a half-sister. — CONFLICTED ADOPTEE FROM KANSAS

DEAR CONFLICTED: We agree, but try to see this from your bio mom’s perspective. She believes knowing that she had a child before she married the children’s father would devastate them and change how they feel about her. Instead of pressuring her, help her see that her children might be surprised, but not necessarily upset. And they may be angry if she withholds this information and they find out later.

DEAR ANNIE: My son is a dedicated anesthesiologist. He took a job at a small hospital in a small town, hoping to enjoy a reasonable life. The pay isn’t as good as that of a large hospital in a big city, but he was willing to take a cut in order to work there.

I realize that the hours are never good for his type of specialty, but I am so upset that the people at this hospital expect him to put in 24-hour days with little sleep. I thought the lack of sleep for doctors was studied and determined to be unacceptable and harmful to patients.

I would be very concerned about stretching a doctor’s exhaustion to the brink of something serious happening. What can I do? — WORRIED MOM

DEAR WORRIED: In order to prevent fatigue-related medical errors, rules were put into effect limiting residents’ work hours. Last year, the Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education updated those rules. At the moment, first-year residents cannot work longer than 16 hours straight. But more advanced residents can work up to 24 hours straight. If your son is past his first-year residency, his hospital is doing nothing unusual.