Diamond, the Symbol of Disappointment

The directions say "Discontinue use if pain or discomfort develops". There was no pain, but I definitely felt uncomfortable with myself and the direction of my life when trying to masturbate with less than four inches of pink plastic that couldn't reach my G-spot even if I gave it a GPS to get there.

You know what's funny about this vibrator? The package says "Diamond, the symbol of Dignity!" I can think of a lot of other D-words I'd like to use in place: disappointment, disillusionment, dirty. Even better, I'd like to mention the "dignity" part, or rather, the lack thereof after repeated attempts to use this vibrator for something -- anything sexual at all, only to find that phallic vegetables are beginning to look more appealing than the 4.4 inches of thunder this little pink devil is packing.

What is the best use of this vibrator? A door prop. A chew toy for your dog. A tickle machine? I'm not even so sure that beginners would find this vibe particularly exciting, in fact, I'd be afraid to give it to a newbie as their first sex toy for fear they'd be so let down they'd never buy another one again.

Remember those quarter machines you loved as a kid? Remember prying open the lids on the plastic bubbles to reveal the toy inside? It smells like that. Cheap plastic Disney princesses encapsulated in a hard, transparent shell, or those sticky hands that pissed everyone off. It's not horrible, it's not even noticeable until you put it right under your nose, but it's there.

The toy itself is smooth, but with a soft, velvet-like finish. Mine, however, had a few suspicious indents, as if the manufacturer had his girlfriend's intolerable chihuahua in the factory that day and the damn thing got into the toys again. Fear not, the more likely explanation is just cheap manufacturing and a few bumps along the way, but in a way, it fits the expectation of this wholly underwhelming product.

If this thing were advertised as a bullet, I would understand its small size, somewhat weaker vibrations, and its relative success at clitoral stimulation. However, this product is advertised as a "G-spot vibrator", which leads me to believe that the only quality a vibrator needs to be considered for G-spot use is the inclusion of a slightly curved tip; I am not even so sure that women with shallow G-spots would find this as a better alternative to a finger.

I thought the diamond parts would at least serve as a fair place to hang on to when in use, but I found myself trying to use more of it than was available, leaving little to no room for my fingers and a lingering fear that the whole vibrator would just slip and fall into the void, forever floating around in my vagina, and even then, it still probably couldn't find its way to the magic G-spot.

To its credit, its compactness may be appealing to those looking to travel or need a toy that is easily hidden. It is an approachable, affordable toy, but its design and its advertised use do not go hand in hand. It's like advertising a bullet and getting a dong the size of your leg; it really only vaguely resembles what it's supposed to be and turns out to suck at doing its job because of it. In this case, convenience and functionality do not go hand in hand.

For those who can't get enough of the sound of a delicate mosquito lightly and playfully buzzing in your ear while you masturbate, this toy is going to be a godsend for you. The buzz is high-pitched and almost whining, which served to be majorly distracting. The vibrations get a little lost to your hand and the dial control takes you from 'eh' to 'meh' with the twist of your hand. Again, I put my own embarrassment on the line while not only my male roommate but his entire family milled about the house while I tested this, and the noise did not carry. A thick blanket or two will muffle the annoying buzz, as well as music or a shower. I think I had to muffle my own disappointment more than I had to muffle the toy.

Indeed, this toy is waterproof, which proves unfortunate for me, because after five minutes of trying to make this thing give me any kind of pleasure, I wanted to drown it and put it out of its misery. No such luck to be had there, though it does speak well of how waterproof it is. The vibrations, on the other hand, are forgettable, especially after trying for twenty mind-numbing minutes to make it do something I like. Once I started letting my mind wander to my other sex toys (that's right, I literally started fantasizing about other sex toys to try and make the one I was with a little better. Sound familiar?), I gave up and went back to my computer to finish writing this review, which is really starting to sound like more of a cautionary tale.

It's no surprise that the front of this box includes an illustrated, impassioned woman on the brink of orgasm -- I can't imagine they could find many real, photographic examples of women who had an orgasm with this toy to use. To their credit, the company has provided such sparkling nuggets as "ENJOY YOUR HAPPY LIFE EVERYDAY!" and the overzealous use of exclamation points (Multi-speed vibrating!!! 100% waterproof!!!) Reading the package on this toy was arguably the most enjoyable experience I had using this toy.

Recyclable

Follow-up commentaryI still don't like it1 month after original review

I could barely bring myself to bring this thing back out again after the soul-crushing experience of the first time. As expected, I barely got this thing down my pants before I sighed and gave up. You could probably get more enjoyment out of masturbating with a phone on vibrate. Don't waste your time with this.

This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the
FTC guidelines.