Postal Service spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters that, thanks to the stolen information, Chinese officials have learned how to run a business with unpleasant employees and endless customer lines, while losing eight billion dollars a year. "And if they keep hacking into other American businesses," Lanes warned, "they're going to learn all our trade secrets, like how to rip-off cable TV customers, market potato chips as health food, and force people to keep buying the same electronic devices over and over again. Then where will that leave us?" **********************