Thursday, September 24, 2009

Honesty Hurts

At this very moment, I was really upset and emo because of what had just happened.

I'll skip the part of what had just happened because it's kinda private, I'll keep it to myself.

But I realise that I still got a long way to go, a lot to learn in becoming somebody's wife, mother and soul mate.

And the suckest part is, I'm not sure whether am I learning now to be a qualify wife/mother/soul mate or still I am the one who wanna be who she wanna be and that's it!

I remember precisely a phrase written by a person:We get through exams to become what we aiming to be in this society, but we never learn how to become a good parents and didn't sit exam for it. We just become one, and use the wrong method to educate our next generation.

I find the above saying is very truthful, and this saying also can be apply to becoming a soul mate.

We never sit through exam to see whether we're qualified to become somebody's somebody. Sometimes we use feel, sometimes it just happens naturally and we're naturally somebody's somebody.

Because we didn't put in time, money and effort in become somebody's somebody, sometimes we take advantage on that person. And sometimes sad things just happen and we start to blame each other for those sad incidents.

And sometimes, when we have something to say, we just couldn't say it because we knew it will hurt. But at the same time, if we keep it to ourselves, our heart will feel a bit uncomfortable and slowly, things get worse.

But I've said what I want to say, today, not long ago.

I find myself feel release for saying things that been going through my mind all the time but at the same time, I feel down for hurting someone that loves me so, so much.

I wonder is there any method that I can be honest, but at the same time the person I love or loves me doesn't get hurt or have any hard feelings on what I've told him/her.

I don't feel guilty because I'm being honest, I say things because I see it that way and I want the person to know how I feel and see clearly what's going on but I feel down for hurting people.

There's no perfect way to make things beautiful right? Sighs...

I've go through books that teaches people in communicating the right way or seeing the positive side of your soul mate, but when things happen, all these are really just bullshit to me.

The situation is much more harder to handle, including my emotions, my tone, my usage of words and my gestures.

I wish that some people in this world can invent something that showing our feelings and opinions without saying a word to that person. Something like sonar radar or micro wave that can make some wave and send it to the brain.

Communicating is not a one way thingy. The other person needs to bear some responsibility too.

When he's not taking the responsibility, this really winds up my anger and I tend to become more angry and more hurtful words coming out from my mouth.

Sometimes I find it hard to communicate with him as I feel that he's not at the same level as mine.

And when this shit happens, I find it that I always blame myself: Why I choose to marry him? Why didn't I search for someone who is at the same level like me so that we can communicate with each other more efficiently.

Of course, I was just thinking, I never say these to him but I'm not sure whether he will see this or not.

But honestly, if you see what I wrote, I hope you can understand that that's just A FEELING of mine when shit happens. I still love you like I use to.

We have all the high-tech gadgets and lots of ways of communicating such as sms, mms, voice mail, pc, facebook, twitter etc etc.... But people are far more afraid to communicate with each other ever more.

We don't say our hearts out anymore, and everyone is hiding behind a mask. Hardly to find somebody who dare to show their true colors, take sincerity and responsibility as something important.

Hard to imagine how humanity will become as time goes by.

Argh!!! I should stop talking nonchalantly and go to sleep now. Nitezzz