They have the power over my livelihood. I'm caught in a farce where I am castigated inappropriately and disbelieved...disrespected and blamed for it...lied about, and condemned for defending myself, treated as if I'm nothing and not allowed to be anything and that I'm wrong for thinking that 30 years experience has value, that I have value... And I'm wrong for even *thinking* - but criticized if I do *not*.... - the inside of my head critiqued as if they have that right.... I'm not allowed to think anything of myself...there's craziness all around me but I'm the one who's automatically deemed "wrong." Because I'm nothing. And the obvious catch-22's - clear as day - are argued to me as nonexistent, and I'm still wrong. I'm wrong no matter what.

I can tell you have been judged hard. You feel like your are worthless. - BUT: that (believe it or not) that hurt can help you to find MORE worth within yourself!
YES! You know how bad it feels to be judged and verbally abused, and that can teach you to be a better person, better than those who have hurt you!!!
You can and will make a wonderful life for yourself! Just give yourself the chance.
Those who have hurt you, have unveiled their own sickness, realize that!

Eh, too old, too too too too too many repeats of this same scenario. Over and over. It doesn't matter if I don't deserve it, if their judgments reign supreme and I don't matter. I have been forced to start over too many times and now I'm just done. Enough is enough, I'm not well, I don't care anymore about my "career" & my field has changed from right-brain to left-brain so it doesn't suit me anymore and is just grief, and I cannot start all over again again again, financially or energy or caring-wise. Just done. BEEN done, so this is charred to a crisp, crumbled into dust-done.

Yes you are tired so rest ok take care of YOU and you alone the hell with eveything else time to just show you compassion time for you to do whatever it takes to make your life better. Be it go into hospital or get therapy or get help from your gp find the outlets to help you ok don't worry about them

I'm losing it.
Have slept 1 night out of the past 7+
their negative judgments of me and treatment of me a big vicious, malevolent evil odorous sickening cloud in and around and through
my head
sticking its trails in and enveloping my thoughts and soul and
I feel destroyed, grated and arrowed and smashed like a cigarette butt snidely crushed into the ground
seeing the smirked enjoyment in their power over ending its light

I feel on a different plane
reality gets mixed up with dream and nightmare
and nothing matters
and there feels no escape
and it's unbearable

Know that when people judge you to the ground, their veils are lifted and THEIR true issues are clearly visible for anybody and everybody to see.
They too, need help. - Just like you need healing, they need to learn about the feelings of other people.

Nobody else sees it. They are "leaders" and their lies are believed (even though I can back up myself but they can't back theirs up).

Abusers, narcissists and sociopaths do not learn about others. They just don't. They control and manipulate. And destroy.

My life and livelihood hang in the balance of the disgusting hoops I must jump through just to keep surviving. I'm not okay, not at all. And they are doing it on purpose, even if they don't realize it. Their ground is shaky and they hang on for dear life by destroying someone else. It's making me so sick and I can't take it. I can't and I feel forced and terrorized and there's nothing I can do but pretend I'm okay and that I'm being controlled by them when it's sickening me to my very core. I can't sleep nights and their spectre pops into my head at odd times, or all times, it's horrible ptsd but there's nothing to do about it and I cannot escape because to do so would devastate my life as well.