Tuesday, December 7, 2010

This was unexpected.

Why can't I feel like this all the time?

Instead, I'm in my office, door closed, trying to stem the flow of tears so I can see patients all afternoon without looking red and puffy. Because a coworker brought her tiny newborn in today at lunch and she's a precious little five pound peanut all 100% perfection and marvel and wonder and someone said "You do it so well you should just keep making more!" and I had to sit and smile and swallow hard, so hard, and I thought I could keep it together but behind my closed door I just couldn't keep it together. And the three other pregnant coworkers who are due within the next month came in to oooh and aaah and I was trapped in the corner and couldn't even squeeze past the pregnant bellies to get away, to breathe.

that is just too much for IF'er to handle. You are always a warrior even if you do not feel like it. You have fought more battles than anyone should have to and you are still standing, if that is not a warrior then I don't know what is.thinking of you....

I am so very sorry you were trapped. I am so glad you were able to escape, even though it was not soon enough to spare your heart the pain. I am so sorry. I cringed reading your post. I hope you are able to be REALLY good to yourself tonight!

Oh honey. I'm so sorry...seeing the reality of a tiny newborn is always difficult. You should just excuse yourself next time to go to the bathroom and then not come back. How insensitive of your coworkers but then, they are a rather dense lot aren't they?

Oh man, I could imagine that scene so vividly, and my own emotions came rushing to the surface. I'm so sorry you have so many co-workers like that to deal with. I appreciate that I am one of the "younger" women in my whole office so I don't have to deal with those pregnant bellies at all. Just the male co-workers whose wives come in for their baby showers and then quickly exit.

I would have loved to knock on your closed office door and taken you out for a hot chocolate and stupid stories to make you feel better.

I'm sorry, LC. It's just too much sometimes that the universe expects us IFers to deal with. This is what I loathe about IF. That not only do we not get our babies. But we don't get to share in the joy of others without a lump in our throat, tears blinked back, heart stab. Just I'm sorry and big hugs. XO

Oy! That sounds like a sucker punch right to the stomach, and I am so sorry you got cornered in that room! The tears are good sometimes...you just let them out and feel those things you are feeling. And, you are a warrior for going through infertility. Not everyone can be a warrior- but I think you are! Still praying for you- wish I could "piggy back" you- I really wish I could!

Arg. I hate pregnant ladies. I actually will cross the street to avoid walking next to them. They are so joyous and oblivious to the world. You are strong. You made it. You are going through something that crumples souls.

Wow. Do they know about your struggles? If so, that is incredibly insensitive. I am not as classy as you--I bolted from the room earlier this year when my coworker's wife brought in their newborn. Just couldn't deal with it and wasn't even up for trying. Thinking of you; that is rough.

Oh, that's just way too much to handle at once. I feel glad that no one is pg at work right now, but I'm counting the number of women in their childbearing years and just waiting for that bomb to go off.

I used to joke that I'd rather have a root canal than go through this IF hell, but now that I'm starting down at the reality of having a root canal, I don't know. They both suck.

By the way, you are a warrior, because IF ain't for sissies. It takes real courage to feel all the hurt and pain you are going through. Big hugs sistah.

Wowsa. Your post hurt to read. I'm so sorry you suffered that. I want your luck to turn so badly. And remember that's what it is - bad luck not cosmic punishment, although God knows I know it feels like that sometimes. You will make a wonderful mother to your child and will be a hell of a lot more sensitive to others' feelings to boot Nxxx

I am so sorry and I can't imagine the pain you are going through.Have you ever thought about gestational surrogacy? I know you probably already have but I had never heard of it until recently. It seems to be really popular right now.

I'm so sorry that I haven't responded in so long. I started to catch up a little with some of the blogs. I feel your pain. I've just about all but given up with my IF. I'm trying to find some peace now and take comfort in knowing for sure that I won't be bearing any children. Adoption could be on the block at some point. But I don't know if I can take the heartbreak that can be accompanied by the long process. I feel tired and beat down by the whole emotional roller coaster.

Sometimes you have have to recognize the little things that keep you happy and grounded and find your "peace" through them. Try to take comfort in the things that you know are certain and build your happiness from there. My heart goes out to you.

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About Me

What's there to say that isn't kind of obvious in the blog title?
We've been through four failed IVFs (straight up BFNs). Lots of surgeries, prodding, testing, etc. etc. All out of pocket by the way. We recently embarked to a famous clinic (for the second time) for our fifth and final IVF which ended in the cruelest joke yet: the dreaded chemical pregnancy.
We have now ventured into international adoption--and are cautiously excited!