America’s Got Talent: And all the rest

What’s cute about this episode is that they don’t even try to pretend that this is taking place in any one particular city. They talk about the “auditions” in this vague, non-committal way, which, fine, I guess. But would it have killed them to have said, “Well, here are some of the more interesting auditions from various cities that we thought you might like but couldn’t quite fit into other episodes!” instead of being all weird about it and having Nick and the judges wearing different clothes from shot to shot and pretending like it’s not happening? No? Fine.

Eric and Christlo:17, students
Two young men with fantastic hair vogue rather horribly whilst singing TLC’s “Waterfalls” before being given 3 nos.

Chris, the Boy with the Wire Hair:20, aerial performer
He hangs? From his hair? That is some good hot oil treatment right there. Still, 3 nos.

Jenny Rocha and the Painted Ladies:27-36, dance troupe
An embarrassment to white girls everywhere, these ladies shove some butt pads under their dresses and then drop it like it’s lukewarm. Nope. 3 Nos.

Magic of Mystique:51, meat cutter
Look, If you’re going to smear a bunch of white grease paint on your face and call yourself a magician, you best know what you’re doing. 3 Xs.

Fatally Unique:13-22, students
An energetic, if not terribly in sync, dance crew, they make it to Vegas on 3 yeses. They should think harder about their name, however.

Ian Johnson:16, high school student
Kid with a yo-yo. 2 yeses at least.

Tricky Jackson:43, fitness center manger
I’m not really sure what Tricky’s talent is? Having giant muscles? Wearing sparkly pants? I don’t know, but whatever it is, it earns him at least 2 yeses and a spot in Las Vegas.

Taylor Davis:18, sales associate
A super-earnest guy in a sweater sings “Just the Way You Are.” Yawn. 2 Yeses.

Tomahawk Tassels:27, burlesque dancer
Look, I’m not saying that this is the best burlesque act, much less a million dollar one, but I am saying that it was more interesting and quirky and cheeky and fun than Sweater Guy up above. Howie teases her for a while, but in the end, Sharon and Piers give her the 2 nos that keep her from Vegas.

Cindy Chang:42, homemaker
Cindy has the kind of “sob” story that America’s Got Talent eats up with a spoon. I put sob in ironic quotation marks, however, because her story isn’t actually all that sad. She wanted to sing, her parents told her she wasn’t good enough to sing, she became an editor but kept dreaming about singing, she eventually took voice lessons and sang anyway. Which I guess is inspirational. She comes out and performs beautifully, and, as she finishes, she bursts into tears. It’s very endearing, and the judges have no choice but to send her along with 3 emphatic yeses.

Mike Stone and the Kritikal Band:22-32, band
This charming band sings “Day-O” and Piers prematurely Xs them. However, he changes his mind and gives them one of the three yeses that will send them to Las Vegas.

Fantastic Fig and Cat:76, magician
Here’s a question: Fig’s cat is named “Newton,” so why are they referring to him as just “Cat” in the title cards? “Fantastic Fig and Newton” is much catchier than “Fantastic Fig and Cat.” Is it a copyright issue? Is Nabisco putting the kibosh on the use of Fig and Newton? ANYWAY. Fantastic Fig comes out with a cat perched on his shoulders, which is pretty amazing in and of itself, and does an impressive card trick. This wows the judges, but then, instead of doing another trick, he surrounds himself with a gaggle of young ladies and orders them to dance. And that’s it. That’s the routine. Still, he is given 2 yeses, and he moves on to Vegas.

Girls That Rock: 19, 24, ice cream caterers
Hey! We saw these girls! In Houston! Babysteps and I lurved them, but alas, their charms are lost on the judges. 3 Nos.

Fearless Flores Family:8-35, family daredevil act
So, have you been to the Barnum and Bailey Circus? You know how they have that one act with the giant metal cage ball? And the motorcycles? And the riding the motorcycles inside the giant metal cage ball? This is that act, except with an 8-year-old and a 13-year-old. PARENTS OF THE YEAR, RIGHT HERE. It’s an impressive act, and they move on to Las Vegas with 3 yeses, but I can’t shake the feeling that CPS should get involved.

And that’s it! That’s the end of the auditions. Next up, the giant culling process that is Las Vegas Week, or whatever they call it. What’s interesting and important to remember is that we haven’t actually seen all of the acts that were sent along to Vegas. There were at least 4 acts from Houston that were sent to Las Vegas that never received air time, and that was from just one of four performances here. Now multiply that to however many cities they visited for auditions. What I’m trying to say is, while I’m sure the editing of the audition rounds was influenced by whatever happened in Las Vegas, we might not have even seen our eventual winner of America’s Got Talent. Something to worry over during the holiday weekend. (Note: Do not worry about this.)