Thursday, December 27, 2001

I Found My One and Only Journal Entry Ever, Prior to the Banter. I Had just Graduated College and Moved to Portland, OR and Was Working in a Pizza Joint. Sometime in 1994

"I don't know what 'generation x' means or what media mongrel blanketed the twenty somethings with such a grotesque boil of a term. But I do know 'generation x' is different from other stigmatized groups of people such as the 'beats' or 'mods' or the 'hippies' in that those groups all had a just cause or a common belief they could rally around and, to some extent, cause a mini revolution. 'Generation x' has nothing. They are isolated. We have evolved from Flower Power to Couch Power. We are a group thinking, 'What the hell am I going to do with my life and who is going to pay for it because I sure as hell can't.' Whereas other generations have rallied around a popular political stance or the literature of the founders of the movement, 'Generation x' has chosen to not only rally around a cause, but rather reject the cause altogether. They are 'slackers' (another media influence). Many of them feel there is no reason to go to college because it will not get them any closer to a 'real job' anyway, which is a valid point in today's society. Many graduates have a hard time as well in the job market so they get a waitperson job and wait for a better job to come along and bite them in the ass. They do not go and look for it, they stagnate. 'Slackers' or 'Generation x' has been made to look different, cruel, even stupid by the media. Which, I assure you, is not the first time the media has done so. These kids could turn out to be the smart one's because they have one thing most of us don't have: Time. During the one, two, or three years of just scraping by, they are able to think about what they really want to do with their lives. 'Generation x' may someday be characterized as a cultural revolution. The fresh, new ideas these kids have from film to literature to music to painting will allow the new school to eclipse the old school. So you executive, white collar, ex-hippies should take heed because this tatooed, pierced nose, writer could take your job in the near future. That is if he ever gets off his ass."

Monday, December 24, 2001

Christmas in the ATL

Flight is late.Where is my gate?Can't believe what I just ate.Tummy? Not feeling so great.Sitting next to me for 4 hours,that I would hate.

Kansas city, camo man, magnetic wand,I'm late, what's in the guitar case?El Mariachi, no laugh but full cavity search.Last one on plane, advice, no silly games.Smiling mom and pop atop the escalatorChristmas cheer and family, the instigator.

The Atl, glad it's just a visit.Love the rents and family but left here for a reasonIt's evident everytime I return, like the changing of the seasons.Big money cars, youngster with cash, is that a rash?It's cold and I gotta wrap presents. Out.

Friday, December 21, 2001

Evolution of a Spoon

Was a child of strength, speed, agility, the spotlightBetter than the others, stronger, faster, quickerPedastalled by awe-inspiring has beens might.Played the game while it played meInstant popularity comes laden with attitudeEgomania, elite, you are not worthyClosed mind, pure body, you are not worthy.

Teen years brought glory, adoration, pomposityTrivial physical prowess brought the spoils to the fighterYet the fighter was hollow once he left the field.The spotlight burns out, a new crop steps inA new adventure, more lands to conquer.Thinking big man, slapped to small fish, lost.

Look at me, Look at me, I am fast and strongYou are nothing in this big empty pond.Realization, abomination, acceptance, a new creation.The doors opened wide with reluctance shuffled throughEyes open up, see myself for the first timeVirgin in ways of expansion, creation, at once become blind.To color, to judgement, to people and creedThis infinite field is not boxed in, rules and labels do not existThis is where I belong, I have so much to learn

Remember who you were to make who you areBehind the fleeting ember lay dormant the brightest starFeeding off itself daily, supplying light to all by beingQuiet leadership, by example emits intense foundationIt shoots through souls warming thoughts and demeanorInnocence is the key, hold it, never let goUnlocks the bolt that held so tight the once imprisoned soul.

Thursday, December 20, 2001

Catchy Jingles From Yesteryear

1.I love clothes, I love Hats, I love jewelry, I love fashion.-The Art Institute of Atlanta. ~19802.Don't bring home the bacon, bring home the Sizzilean.-Processed Meat foodstuff~19883.It's like doin' donuts but in the air.-Six Flags over Georgia-Ad for the new roller coaster,"The Georgia Cyclone"~19874.It's like a noodle!-Same Six Flags commercial5.A little dab'll do ya'.-Brylcreme~no idea what year.6.Homework, homework gimme a break!-Some dumb pop tart style tv commercial.7.Nothing can penetrate this stuffy nose.-Dristan~19808.Take 2. "2 aspirin?" No tylenol +.~19859.I am stuck on Band-Aids, cause bandaid's stuck on me~Old, Old.10.When you're really good they call you Crackerjack~198011.ZIPS the big Z!-Zips tennis shoes~197512.Please pass the Kraft maccaroni and cheese, please. Please pass the Kraft maccaronni and cheese.~197613.They told their friends, and their friends, and their friends, and their friends...-Breck shampoo, it could be Jhirmack shampoo.~197014Come dine with us at Steak & Ale!-Cheesey beef hut in ATL.~198015.A pinch between the cheek and gums..does you right every time.-Richard Petty for Skoal~197516.At Fina they're my kind of mighty fine friendly folks, mile after country mile.-Stuttering country singer who was in Canonball run.17.Shoot 'da dash.-Richard Petty for Armour All~early eighties.18.Please pass the fever for the flavor of new pringles, the fever for the flavor of new pringles.~198019.Don't let the smooth taste fool ya'.-Billy dee Williams for Colt 45~197820.Don't say beer say Bull, BULL, Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.~197521.It doesn't get any better than this.-Old Milwaukee~198022.It's that time of day, when you can say, go on and head for the mountains, the taste so smooth, it's waiting for you. BBBUUUSSSSCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!-Busch beer ~198523.You gonna eat those fries? What Joey, are you gonna eat your way to college? I'm going to college, on the new G.I. bill.-the Army~198024.You sank my battleship!-The game~80's25.OOperate!!-Operation the game~early 80's26.Connect four! Wha, where? Here diagonally. Pretty sneaky sis.-Connect Four~80's27.Dull...Do-le, Dull...Do-le.-Dole bananas-80's28.Discover gold, discover gold, a plug of mild chewin', fresh tatsin' RJ gold.-Plug tobacco~197829.Coast, helps you open your eyes, Coast, your spirit starts to rise, Coast is the one that makes you feel alive...-Coast soap~80's30.We make holes in yeeth. We make holes in teeth. Crest gel, Crest gel, Crest gel. (high pitch to siren)-Crest, cavity creeps commercial~198031.If you don't get help at Charter, please, get help somewhere.-Charter rehab hospitals~ongoing32.Excuse me? Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? Why yes.-BB jeans~80's33.The wines of Ernst and Julio Gallo. We will sell no wine before it's time.-A fat Orsen Wells~197834.Underoos are fun to wear yeah something super new in underwear.-Underoos~80's35.Honeycomb big, yea yea yea, it's not small, no no no, big big taste, yea yea yea, big big bite.-Honeycomb~80's36.Hey Kool Aid! Crash bang boom bam.-1980's37.Everyone's havin' a new kind of fun, Capri Sun.-1980's38.Hey man, is that Freedom Rock? Well turn it up!~KTEL records39.Good to the last drop, Maxwell House.-80's40.There's something about an Aqua-velva man~1980's41....that winsong stays on my mind.~80's I'm sure42.Can You Canoe?-Canoe cologne~early 80's43.Playin' Hungry Hungry Hippos...Hungry Hungry Hippos.-early 80's44.Nothing beats a great pair of Leggs-Leggs pantyhose~late 70's45.Hefty, hefty, hefty, wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.-Hefty trash bags~80's46.Wow, I coulda' had a V8.-V8 veggie drink~80's

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

All You Can Eat Salad Bar...and Steak

"I don't know what happened officer, I walked into the kitchen to start my morning pot of coffee and there it was, just staring at me in the middle of the kitchen." "Just staring at you?" "I know this is strange but that is what happened." "Do you do drugs Mr. Cantriste?" "What the fuck kind of question is that? Fuck you! Get out of my house!" "This has become a criminal investigation sir and you are the prime suspect so sit the fuck down and answer the goddam question!" "Fuck off." "I will ask you one more time, Do you do drugs? It will be in your best interest to tell us the truth because either way we will find out." "I want to talk to my lawyer."

"You are in a heap of shit C." "I can't believe you brought that fuckin' thing to my crib! What the hell were you thinking?" "I.." "Shut up you dipshit." "Did you at least get the plane tickets?" "Two round trips to Ria Da Janereye." "It's Rio De Janeiro you backcountry hick. Give me those." "So we got two hours till take off. Do you know how to get to the International Terminal?" "Of course boss." "If you fuck this one up you are a dead man. If they don't kill you I will." "Calm down C, it's all taken care of." "That's what I was afraid you would say" "Trust me C. I'll see you in Ria." "RiO George, Rio." "Whatever."

"George here, he just left. Of course he's got it, didn't I tell you he would have it? Shut the fuck you. Now listen, you keep those goddam black and whites out of sight. This guy is schitzo, any small problem and he pulls the plug. This is my deal here and no one moves till I give the signal. You got it Callahan? If this thing gets fucked up I will personally hold you responsible. I know some things that you would not want leaked to the press, you see. So it would be in your best interest to do as I say. Right?" "Right you fuck." "You always were understanding Callahan, and honest." hahahahahahahaaha!

Tuesday, December 18, 2001

Three One's And Two Sixes

"Yeah she's a fox but she looks like trouble." "Well I'll eat trouble for dinner and kick her out after she makes my breakfast." What a chump he thought. I'll bet she's dumb as a box of hammers. He didn't care about that, he knows he is no brain surgeon either, but did you see her tits? They're perfect. No way are those fake. "I'm goin' to get me some of that." What are they going to talk about? Moon Pies and how the middle graham cracker layer is what makes it an American classic? Why it goes, "Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet," and not "Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Ford." "They blow the shit out of Chevy's anyday." "But that wouldn't rhyme." She said confidently, "A Ford still kills a Chevy. As a matter of fact it's right out in the parking lot, why don't we go for a ride?" "That doesn't rhyme. The chorus is eleven syllables and..." "No, no honey I'm asking if you want to take a ride in my Ford?" "Where?" "We don't have to go anywhere, we can just sit...and talk." "Why would I want to do that, I'm having a great conversation with Will and Mike here." "Uh, Fred." "...and I'm Harvey." "See." "Listen Sugar I've been watching you all night and I just want a slice of that sweet cherry pie." "They have cherry pie? I love cherry pie, let's go get some. Where is it?" "It's in my Ford baby." "Well let's go."

"How much tonight?" "I got a Ford." "What year?" "2000." "Is it red?" "What kind of question is that? I thought you knew me." "Does everything have to be red around here, I mean that's gonna make the kids cruel and evil." "Family traditions are hard to break Lou, you know that." Heavy sigh, "I bet the kids would look really great in blue." "I love you Lou, is it my turn?" Nods "Yahtzee!"

Monday, December 17, 2001

You are all Worthless and Weak

My mind is on other things so if you need a creative outlet today, fing it elsewhere. There will be no dipping's of the beak today. Give your beaktime to the minister. He will answer all of your questions and scratch that annoying itch. until...

Thursday, December 13, 2001

Fingers numbed by constant, imprecise pressureBrain exasperation. Play what I say!Virgin digits lose their wayHands ache, charging forth every measure.Searching, searching yearning for their museFingers, hands, heart, head sperately confused.Together! Together! Mobilize!Find my style, stumble upon meRepetition, condition, whip extensions into shapeDo as I say, Do as I say, I'll beat you till you do

Learned fingertips hold onto sensical delightmovements become who you are and that which you produceSecond nature have become and the end defines youYou and you only have become a sanctuaryyour intuition breeds beauty and solace for your carrier.Selfishly I train you for my singular delightFor me by me to me of me, me.

Fingers catch brain, I need it now!Charging, charging, chargingCharge harder my muse,Your friend is far away, if you want to find herYou are on your wayFaster, faster I need her sooner, she walks the other wayPersistence, discipline, hunger, obsession,Your partners day to dayThey take you on their back and show the wayStick with them, stick with itThey will give you what you wantFill the hole, make a difference, challenge the senses.

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

Optopositive

Wake up, ramble to showerWhat is up with the hot water? Fidget, fidget, flow.Shave, dry, brush, clothe.Bustop, crackerbox, armpit in the face.Last stop, long walk, beauty of every race.nine o'clock, says the clock, once again I'm late.Work begins, it depends, what kind of state I'm in.Another day to create our HAMoTAsmic blends.Five o'clock, time to stock, with creativity.Meet the crew, grab a brew, originality.A cycle, A cycle, different every day,fullfillment, knowledge, Yea we know the way.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computerindustry with the auto industry and stated that "if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response, GM issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2: The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying. 3: Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 4: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 5: Occasionally you car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen all the windows. For some reason you would simply accept this. 6: All the warning lights on your dashboard would be replaced by a single "general fault protection" warning light. 7: Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the antenna. 8: Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 9: Macintosh would come out with a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and easy to drive, but would only operate on five percent of the roads. 10: You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

Friday, December 07, 2001

I wish I had a neverending jug full of sweet tea. But it has to be made right, like my mom and my aunt Brenda make. You gotta first boil the tea and then add sugar so it melts into the tea and then pour it over ice. I get so frustrated when I ask for sweet tea and the server says, "there's sugar packets on the table." That is bullshit. That is not sweet tea. That is tea flavored sugar water. Believe me there is a difference.My friend Mat linked a site that showed Amazon's top 100 records of the year and there was a record put out by Buddy Guy called "Sweet Tea." That is what planted the sweet tea seed in my head. Damn, I want a glass right now.

Oh my sweet, sweet tea. You seem so far away from me.Mommy please, I need sugar to soothe my chi.Oh sweet, sweet tea. Left coasters alienate me.Popeye's, KFC, Mickey D's...huh? what is sweet tea?How can you be so naive?Sugar packets, please, don't insult me.Kudzu, humidity, sweat soaked dungarees,Distinctly southern as good ole' sweet tea.Oh sweet tea, you're so good to me, since I left home...shit I got the recipe.

Here's to sweltering summer days in Georgia with a jug of ice cold sweet tea. Ahhhhh, paradise.

Thursday, December 06, 2001

What is up with Go-Go Boots? I live in San Francisco and I swear two out of five women are wearing go-go boots on any given day. Every pair I see my mind immediately thinks of that horrendous Gap commercial about a year ago where everyone is dancing go-go with their xxx-small turtlenecks and plaid skirts with knee high go-go boots. I think I am going to vomit. Don't get me wrong, variety is imperative but wouldn't you rather blaze the trail than get on the bandwagon? I like go-go boots I think they look sexy and hip but they are EVERYWHERE! Just like petite women on cell phones driving humungous RangeRovers and Forerunners and Expeditions and Canyoneros, from Nordy's to Ikea. In San Francisco no less. Although these women have to go to these places because they have designated parking lots, lord knows they can't park on the street anywhere with those big ass cars. Just a few things I noticed walking to work today. Happy Thursday. b

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

KilimanjaroFlying into Tanzania, I had to look up to see the glacier ensconced peak. I could not wait to stand on top of it. Four of the hardest days of my life would seperate me from breathing in the air from the highest point on the African continent. A thirteen year old in the summer of 1984, I was pissed at my dad for bringing me on this trip. I was supposed to be at jv basketball camp and I knew my teammates were getting better than me while I was in Africa of all places. Our plane landed and everyone's bags came off except my family's camping gear. We had this huge, purple "body bag" style gear satchel that basically had every scrap of camping gear we owned in it from flashlights to backpacks to camping stoves to longjohns. The other three families had already secured their seats in the van, chomping at the bit to get to the hotel and actually lie down. Pop did not know what to do. We left all of our information with the sky cap and told him to bring the gear to the hotel as soon as it arrived for we were to start our assault on Kilimanjaro the next day. Of course the bag never showed. Luckily, the "Kibo Hotel" had alpine gear we could rent. We picked up boots and socks and rain gear and everything else we needed, none of which fit exactly right, and started off. We had a native guide named Charles whom I still have vivid memories of to this day. Charles was a tall, lanky, black mountain guide whose face looked of leather but his soul was soft as a cloud. His demeanor and calm was eeirily soothing. I knew this man had climed this mountain more times than I had riden the school bus. Our crew of three families; Mom, Dad, my brother Jay, and myself, The Hills, they also had two boys, Chase and Andrew, and my pop's law partner Don Kennicott and his wife, began the trip under a huge canopy of green. It was wet. The rain forest teemed with life. I remember Charles pointing out all the monkeys in the trees, just swinging wildly and yelling to alert eachother of our presence. We walked what seemed like forever. Finally, we hiked out of the lush, green forest into a field of tall, swaying, hay-like grass. Charles informed us we had reached our second ecosystem, Savannah. As this new world opened up we saw several wooden structures, A frames. This is why we were told we did not need tents. There were about 15 "porters" sitting and eating as we walked up. Our bags had been placed in a pile for us to grab when we had secured our cabins. The porters, all of them barefoot, had taken our bags of clothes for us and would continue to do so for the rest of our ascent and descent. Pretty lame but we could not have done it without them. We hiked about 15 miles the first day and were ready to sleep. We woke up day two at the break of dawn and started out literally in a haze. The clouds were so thick we could barely see where we were stepping. By midday the fauna had dramatically changed from lush, brush and small trees to dry, smaller plants with no trees. We had traversed into our next ecosystem, Tundra. After another monster day of hiking, another twelve miles, we saw our huts and were eager to sleep. Which was not a problem. The next morning we started out early and were told we would reach the base of the summit by nightfall and would begin our ascent on the summit at midnight. MIDNIGHT! I did not understand this. The ascent started at midnight so we could see the sunrise on the peak. I shut up and understood. We began walking on day three and over the crest of a hill Charles showed us "Kibo Hut" at the base of the peak. It seemed so close. The only thing that stood between us and the hut was the dreaded "saddle." The saddle was our fourth ecosystem, high mountain desert. There are two peaks on Kilimanjaro. There is Kilimanjaro and Mawenzi, Kili being the highest at just over 20,000 feet and Mawenzi at about 18.5. Between these two peaks lay the saddle which is a 15 mile stretch of nothingness; except dust and martian type rocks. It is the most desolate, eeiry place I have ever seen. The saddle was also extremely deceiving. We could see our destination every step of the way yet the hut seemed to get further away with each step. This was the hardest day of the trip. Three blisters and a pair of chapped lips later we made it to the hut. We were immediately ready to go to bed. Kibo hut was a rock shelter with a roof. Charles went to get our bunk spaces which we had reserved but a group of Germans had decided to spend an extra night and refused to give up their bunks. We were beyond pissed but too tired to do anything about it. We slept with the porters which were miserable conditions. They called it the "smokehouse." The smoke from the dinner fire seeped into the porters quarters so we were all breathing in smoke all night. It nearly killed us. I remember I could not believe that the porters had to sleep like this every night, it was an injustice. I would say we woke up to start the final ascent but we did not sleep. We got up and started climing. Like the saddle we could see the top but it kept getting further and further away. It took us six hours to go one mile. The ascent was a series of endless switchbacks, not the most interesting hiking, on a gargantuan field of scree. At this point, we would take two breaths for every one step. The air was so thin we had to move this slowly to ingest enough oxygen. Halfway up the peak there was a cave, about 18,750 feet, mom had to turn around here. We were all surprised mom made it this high. She really earned all of our respect that day, not that she did not have it already. Charles had been walking behind her for about an hour saying "Come on Momma, just a little more to go." Over and over. "Come on momma." Charles got mom motivated to do something she thought she could never do. We finally made it to the top and I saw the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen nor will see in my life. I was standing on the spot I looked up to on the airplane just two days earlier. I was on top of the world, literally, and I was only thirteen. It was kind of anti-climactic at the time. I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I had not slept in 24 hours and I was standing at 19,800 feet above sea level. I may have been a little delirious too. The memory will last a lifetime. I do not even have a picture of myself standing at the peak. Dad may have one but I do not. I remember getting a certificate from Charles saying I reached the peak and I think I still have it at mom and pop's but it does not seem too important. The memories are what is important. I will take them to my grave. Thanks mom and dad for taking me to this magical place. I did not show you the gratitude at the time, I was a selfish little brat, but now I am begining to understand why you both did the things that you did and I am forever grateful. This was a vacation of a lifetime and I cannot thank you enough for expanding my mind at such a young age. I love you mom and dad, b

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Scheduling Conflicts

I walked into the gym ready to score 20 points in my seventh grade basketball championship game but there were only two minutes left in the fourth quarter. Our gym had an entrance at street level and the court was sunken with bleachers inbetween. I walked through the front door and saw who was playing before my team and the score and thought, 'damn, somebody is getting the crap beaten out of them.' I looked at the game to see who was playing and to my chagrin, T, and Hanson, and Robbie, and Kollme, and Malcolm were on the floor scoring at will. "Hey!" I shouted. The whole gym looked up at me. All of my teammates began laughing hysterically...and pointing I might add. My face must have been as red as...I was embarrssed. I immediately ran down the bleachers and over to our bench where even my coach was laughing at me. "I can get you a little playing time." I stripped off my sweatsuit and checked into the game. Everyone was still laughing and pointing. I played out the rest of the game, all :54 seconds, and was then congratulated with the slightest hint of sarcasm from every person in the gym, grandmothers included. "Way to hustle Jeff." "Great game Jeff, you didn't even work up a sweat." "I guess you got the OLD schedule." "We couldn't have pulled it off without you, way to keep your head in the game." All of this could really traumatize a seventh grade boy but, as you can see, I haven't let it bother me one bit.

Monday, December 03, 2001

What a Party Our party on Saturday was a huge success. Thank you to all who attended. The music was great the people were all extremely well behaved and I just had a blast. If you were there thank you and I hope you had a great time. If you missed it, you missed a good one. b