My Kids Grow and So Do I

Friday, July 26, 2013

A new baby is born. Snugly cradled in mommy’s arms it is busy
adjusting to its new environment. Both mom and dad look deeply into the baby’s
eyes, smile, and speak to their newborn in soft, gentle voices as they caress its
cheeks and little hands. When the baby suddenly grabs hold of a parent’s
finger, mom and dad both gladly welcome the gesture as a symbol of connection.

From day one parents and children exchange messages. When the
little one starts crying and mommy lifts him from the crib, communication has
started: the baby sends a message (cries) and the mother responds (takes her out of the crib). Should the baby quiet down, the mother then knows her message
has arrived and the contents of her message match the baby’s need. With this simple exchange a
communication channel has come into being that will connect parent and child
through the years that follow.

While spontaneous and knee-jerk reaction just happen, constructive communication doesn’t; it is not a given. Constructive
communication is communication with the intent of contributing positively
to the experience of the one receiving the message. It is a conscious choice.
Often this conscious choice happens quite naturally. Your parental instincts will guide you
or you've learned to trust your intuition. However, it is not always easy to consciously
choose to send a constructive message when fatigue, irritation or old patterns
direct you in the opposite direction. The importance of developing
constructive ways to communicate with your kids cannot be overestimated. Why?
Because the quality of your communication with your kids to a large extent
determines the quality of your relationship with them. Where love is the heart
of the parent-child-relationship, constructive communication is the rhythmically
beating coronary artery that connects parent and child. Both the loving heart
and the life-giving artery are indispensable in good relationships. No matter
how much you love your child, if you allow the communication between the two of
you to falter, your relationship will stagnate.

It is the parents’ primary task
to guarantee the quality of communication. They are after all the ones who have
been able to develop insight and self-control through the years, qualities
needed to communicate constructively. Children have only just arrived; they
still have to get used to everything: circumstances, relationships, skills,
etc.

The family in a way is like a laboratory for children. In its
safe setting they are able to express feelings and developmental impulses. The
inner world of a growing child is highly active, processing all kinds of stimuli. Consequently, they have to experiment in order to make sense of all the
information received. As kids grow older they will bring into this family
setting a variety of influences of the outside world in order to test and
assess them in this safe circle. With failing communication at home, the door
is open for misunderstanding and misinterpretation of behavior. These easily lead
to grudges and bitterness. At precisely the moment when children are
experimenting independently with new behavior they need their parents’ loving,
clear and constructive feedback. They count on it and should they not receive
it for whatever reasons, the communication channel gets clogged. Parents and children start to lose
touch with each other and can only guess as to the motive of their actions.
Gradually mutual understanding will erode, and with it the willingness to
empathize - a vital ingredient in family relationships.

To create some clarity into the subject of communication, let's explore it. What happens when people are communicating? In the drawing below the four numbers indicate the elements that
determine communication. (1) represents the person initiating contact. The
information (2) travels along the chosen channel (3) in order to arrive at the
recipient (4).

This picture clearly shows that when one of phones (1, 4) is not
functioning properly, the quality of communication is affected. For instance, when
a teenager is feeling somewhat blue, a simple request like: “Would you mind helping
me for a second,” will be received entirely differently than when she is
feeling fine. In addition, communication will falter when the choice of the channel
(3) is not fitting the situation: a letter, even when written in the finest
handwriting, is not a suitable channel of communication for a baby. In short, an optimal exchange of information relies on two active
and receptive parties, as well as a channel that serves both parties
adequately. If that is the case, you can count on the message (2) being
transferred as intended.

Suppose you are the properly functioning cell phone 1. You
choose a channel (for instance: calling over your shoulder) and you send a
message to your child: “Please wash your hands before dinner.” Your child
receives the message and responds: “All right, mom,” and washes up. This will
go right a hundred times, until, one day, your child will ignore your request.
Elements 1, 2 and 3 have remained the same: you (1) haven’t changed, nor have
the message and the channel (2 and 3). Element 4 is suddenly different. The
child (4), for whatever reason, has decided not to respond in the familiar way.
Naturally, your attention focuses automatically on the one element in the
communication chain that has changed, your child, and you try to bring it back to its old shape: “Hey
you, wash up, please”, or “Listen to me!” Even if you’re successful in bringing
about the expected response, chances are friction and irritation have been
created on both sides as well. Something apparently has gone wrong.

Next week in this space we will have a look at what options you,
as a parent and care-giver, have when you notice that the recipient in the
communication chain, your child, has changed.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Last
week in this space we talked about the benefits of being ‘fully present’ with your children. I explained that being ‘fully
present’ means that you are able to focus fully on your children’s
world, their circumstances and their well-being; that you let their
needs take priority over other needs, and that you are accessible to
them no matter what, relating to them in a way they understand. Today
I would like to explore this principle of being ‘fully present’ a
bit more, for, as you will soon see, it is part of an important
spiritual tool called “Moving In and Stepping Back.”

But let me first reassure you. It is not necessary to commit to being
‘fully present’ 100 % of the time. I’m not even sure that that
would be desirable. However, the ability to switch to ‘fully
present’-mode at will is a great skill that will benefit both
yourself and your kids.

The
thing I’d like to focus on here is the quality of your attention
when you are ‘fully present’. Obviously, being ‘fully present’
requires your full attention. When you’re changing your baby’s
diaper, for instance, you can’t be ‘fully present’ when at the
same time you’re watching a show or keeping track of messages on
your smart phone. In short, ‘fully present’ means focusing 100 %
of your attention on the situation you’re in, and on the people and
aspects that are part of it. It’s as if you use a camera’s
telephoto lens to zoom in, noticing all

the little details and taking
them in. In a way, you infuse the here and the now with your
presence. You are no longer ‘on automatic’ - you're fully alert in the here and now. That’s what being
‘fully present’ really means.

Now
comes the next step. While keeping your attention fully focused on
the present moment you mentally step back and observe what’s
happening. It’s as if deep inside of you there is a quiet,
contemplative aspect that is able to watch the busy-in-the-now-aspect
while it’s doing whatever it’s doing. It’s a simultaneous
movement in two directions; as you move deeper in, you also move
further back. From this new vantage point you observe all the details
of the situation, the dynamics of it, and your feelings about it. By
stepping back this way you create space around the activity and
around the people and things that are part of it.* Stepping back
allows you to truly see the needs, the drives and the expectations
involved, and to quietly disentangle from them. And it is this space,
thus created, that lets in new light which shines on the present
moment and on the people and things that share it with you. It
is as if the newly created space has opened doors and invited
inspiration to lighten up the present moment.

I’ve
chosen the words ‘space’, ‘new light’ and ‘inspiration’
to indicate the sense of clarity and authenticity you will
experience. When you inwardly make room while fully focused in the
present moment, you invite Life into your experience – Life only
needs the smallest space to come bounding in. The following example
shows you what I mean.

Mary
and her friend Cin, each with their toddler child, are at the local
park. They’re busy chatting on a bench on the side of the
playground while watching the kids running around.

For some reason,
Tracey, Mary’s daughter, can’t seem to fully engage in play; she
keeps coming back to mommy. First it’s a button on her shirt that’s
bothering her, next there is sand in her shoe, and then she throws
herself into Mary’s lap, crying because she scraped her knee, etc.
Each and every time, Mary, a kind and caring mother, attends lovingly
to her daughter, while trying to keep up the conversation with her
friend. But after the fifth interruption she starts to get annoyed at
Tracey, and so is her friend. How can the spiritual tool of ‘Moving
In and Stepping Back’ help Mary in this situation?

Let’s
first look at ‘moving in’, or being ‘fully present’. Up till
now, during the various interruptions Mary has divided her attention
between her daughter and her friend. But now, with the next
interruption - Tracey coming to the bench complaining about a boy
teasing her – Mary decides to ask Cin for a minute and she focuses
entirely on Tracey. She gets down on Tracey’s level and gently and
deliberately connects with her. She notices each and every detail of
Tracey as if she’s seeing and hearing her for the first time: she
notes her eyes, her mouth, her body language, and her words and
intonation. Mary may apply some of the techniques of ‘active
listening’ by repeating Tracey’s message in new words so Tracey
will know her mother has truly heard her. Mary focuses 100 % of her
attention on the moment as it presents itself to her: her daughter
and the apparent discomfort she is in. Now comes the second step:
stepping back. Mary mentally takes a step back and observes herself
focused in the present situation. From this new vantage point she
notices the dynamics of it, her daughter’s and her own feelings,
the drives and expectations that are part of it. As she senses the
space around the situation that is thus created, she is able to
disentangle from her knee-jerk response as a caring mother, rushing
in to soothe her child, as well as her knee-jerk response of
annoyance at being disturbed for the umpteenth time. While she hugs
Tracey she inwardly embraces the space enveloping them both, knowing
that Life will use it to inspire both her and her daughter.

Can
you imagine what this suspended moment in time can mean for a mother and
child? It allows old hurts to resolve in a new and unexpected way. It
allows developmental aspects to be acknowledged and followed up
on. It allows mother and daughter to truly connect and be there for
each other.

The
outcome of a moment in time thus shared is different in each case.
Mary may feel moved (inspired!) to join her daughter in play for a
while, or she may sense that Tracey’s needs are best met when she
allows her to sit in mommy’s lap for a while. Whatever the specific
action taken, the key is: Mary is willing to embrace the situation
with her whole being (she moves in) and to open up to new and
inspired ways to view it (she steps back).

And
what about her friend Cin? Well, Cin finds herself in a first row
seat from where she witnesses the way the spiritual tool of “Moving
In and Stepping Back” enables Mary to love and care for her
daughter in a unique and authentic way. After Tracey’s needs have
been met and her confidence restored, Cin and Mary will have plenty
of time to resume their conversation and catch up without any further
interruptions.

Does
all this sound a bit theoretical and distant to you? My advice would
be to try it and experience it for yourself. If you do, please let me know about it. I would love to hear
from you!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

The other day a colleague at work and
I were talking about high school graduation, not a surprising topic for this
time of year. We both noticed that some kids seem to be able to navigate well
upon leaving school and home, while others don’t fare so well at all. And we
wondered about the deeper causes of this. At one point she remarked that
someone had once told her that, generally speaking, kids who can hear their parents laughing on the couch in the
living room while they themselves are safely tucked in bed, will be okay. That’s quite an intriguing statement.

But is it true? My
pediatrician at the time when my kids were toddlers, certainly seemed to think
so. He had the following saying on the wall of the waiting room, for all to
read:

“The greatest gift
a father can give to his kids, is to love their mother.”

Both my colleague
and my former pediatrician are pointing to the same thing: when parents truly
love each other, care for one another and enjoy each other’s company, so much
the better for the kids. Also in situations where parents have split up: if
they manage to be considerate and kind to each other, they save their kids the
agony of divided loyalties.

And that’s not all. I’d like to take this one step further: the prospects of flourishing under the care of someone who is able to temporarily set their own issues aside are much higher compared to a situation where the caregiver is absorbed in their own thoughts and problems.

I’m not talking about putting the children center stage and spoiling them;
I’m talking about being fully present with the children during the time you’re together.
‘Fully present’ means you focus on their world, their circumstances, their
well-being; you let their needs take priority over other needs; you are
accessible to them no matter what and you relate to them in a way they
understand. (Authors Mylan and Jon Kabat-Zinn as well as Scott Rogers speak of mindful parenting, which is exactly the same thing.)

Newly sprouted buds
fare best when shielded from harsh influences for a while. Likewise kids
fare best when shielded from adult issues and concerns that are beyond their ability
to grasp and deal with.

If you and the children’s other parent are able to communicate with each other respectfully you give them a boost in their development. Should you be in the happy circumstance where the two of you love each other and can share fun moments together,they stand to gain even more.If, on top of that,you are fully present
with the children in your care , you are giving your children the best possible gift.

About the author

Johanna van Zwet

She was born and raised in the Netherlands. She and her family lived in California for almost ten years.

After returning to Europe, Johanna published her book and started giving seminars. She holds an M.A.Ed. in English. She taught EFL in a Dutch high school for many years. Apart from one-on-one teaching she now focuses on channeling Akashic information, see Ask the Akasha.

She and her husband have three grown sons.

Johanna is part of the author team of Notes On Parenting

This blog is for ...

... all those who interact with kids on a regular basis: parents, grandparents, teachers, care-givers, child advocates, and volunteers.

You might sometimes feel that your own personal development is on hold because of an issue that is playing in the relationship with kids in your care. This blog will hopefully offer you a new perspective that allows you to meet and tackle the issue on the basis of your inner spiritual guidance. When you, as the adult, are able to find an authentic spiritual approach in your interaction with kids, everybody stands to gain. Spiritually inspired solutions have a way of working for the good of all involved.