Wednesday, October 1, 2014

The last few weeks have been unfun, and I've had to take a good, hard look at myself.

For awhile late last year and earlier this year, I was all shiny-happy ridiculosity, and I'm still trying to decide if that is because of the medication I was taking or because I went no-contact, or because I was just a numbnuts. I keep fighting with myself, because I've started to believe that anyone who is consistently happy must be not very bright. This ain't nice. I know it. I am jaded and empty and sometimes more bitter than other times.

Started back on an antidepressant, which isn't really giving me happy back, but it's leveling me out. Though, if I got happy back, I'd have to think I was stupid because I couldn't see how the world REALLY is. But, if happy came back, I wouldn't give a fuck if I was dumber than a box of hair, cuz I'd be happy. Fuuuuuuck.

Maybe it's a midlife crisis. Questioning every decision I've made my entire life. Trapped. Unhappy. Not fulfilling what I should be capable of. It's my fault, so blame myself. Self-forgiveness seems a little too happy-crappy for my mindset.

I started having nightmares about my mother again when I realized that I'd have to see her if I chose to attend a nephew's baptism. I went through this same shit when my niece was baptized, but that was before I went NC. I had a dream the other night that I was walking through a big beautiful house that was my own, looking for a shower that had a curtain. All these great bathrooms, but no shower curtains! When I walked through the living room, my mother was sitting in a chair along with a woman who had been her one-time co-worker (who had also been my preschool teacher). I looked at my mother and asked, "What are you doing here?" She started talking about how she had gone to the doctor and gotten a PAP smear, the look on her face saying she was going to tell me she was dying, then she said, "I got a clean bill of health and I'm doing good." I really looked at her and noticed she was wearing shorts and her legs weren't discolored like they really are and she was standing fine and she looked physically good. I said, "I'm really glad you're doing well." Then she said she had something she wanted me to watch and turned on a TV station that was talking about people cannibalizing other people. Just the gruesome-est, most horrible story, and I asked her, "Do you know those people?" or something along that line, and she looked at me like I was an idiot and she said, "No!" Like, why would I even ask. Then I began screaming at her, saying that I have told her over and over I have anxiety issues and why was she showing me this awfulness, and she looked at me with that stupid blank look she gets and said, "You never told me that." The lady that was with her was sort of supporting her, very passively, and I told them both to get the fuck out of my house and to never come back. Christ, I was so angry, and I woke up angry, and I'm still angry enough to remember the details of this dream.

She had the audacity to come into this house (which was just what I would want, except for the shower curtains) that was MINE without invitation and begin her shit. I know what this means. It means I'm letting the bitch sneak into my brain again.