Halloween Endurance Test: Freddy Vs Jason (2003)

I sincerely hope they gave Freddy top billing here because he came first alphabetically. ‘Cuz everyone knows he gets decapitated in the end, which spells “LOSE” anyway you want to argue it.

They should really use gonzo porn as the basis for these films. No story elements, character development, or plot points. Just eighty to ninety minutes of carnage. As soon as one group of four teenagers die, jump cut to the next group. They could even cut costs by using the same set over and over.

Lord knows they cut enough costs with all the CGI blood they used. I guess I might’ve been too tough on Burton and his Sweeney Todd. When Destiny’s Child Kelly Rowland has a nightmare about Freddy giving her an amateur nose-job, the resulting computer generated bloodbath is less convincing than any Elm Street boy turning into a haunted motorcycle 80s effect. The one scene where the dead kid’s in the bathtub is a prime example; it looks as if the tub’s full of Kool-Aid! Hard to believe the special effects in I Spit on Your Grave‘s bathroom scene could top this.

The “snapped in half” effect still rules though.

(To think, just days ago I was mocking Jennifer Aniston for starring in Leprechaun. That, at least, was before she reached stardom in a sit-com with a monkey. Imagine going from selling out stadiums to sharing the silver screen with a bunch of nobodies in the equivalent of an eighties horror gang-bang.)

This script’s a product of postmodernity. Freddy’s introduction references all his past films, and even hints at his own loss of cultural significance (hence his being forgotten by the kids). Freddy resurrects Jason to harvest the fear multiple homicides inevitably produces.

“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you… You know why they sing that? ‘Cuz that’s when he comes for you…”

See? It practically has a porno’s script! It’s not that I expect a film such as this to have New Line’s top writers assigned to it, but come on! What were they smoking when they thought up the grand finale fight.

Jason’s scared of water? Fifteen minutes after being doused in water in the cornfield rave slaughter? Plus Jason totally wins the fight. Slicing off both of Freddy’s arms, to which Krueger responds by using telekinesis? Making Jason a human pinball? That’s supposed to be scary?