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Tots 100

Monday, 30 October 2017

Most
people in my parent’s generation seemed to have a fairly traditional approach
to parenting. It was the same as their parents and the many generations
that came before them. It generally consisted of “do what I tell you,
listen to what I say, my word is law”. The consequences for breaking that
law were not always spelled out so clearly and generally involved a spanking.

Many
people look back to those days as better times, when children knew their
boundaries and behaved and adults were respected, people left their doors
unlocked, neighbours looked out for each other etc. In reality though,
those days are long gone. We move at a pace when the elderly and young
become a nuisance, we have the internet which along with endless information
brings pornography, anonymous trolls, the disconnection between people and an
inability to just switch off and fully unwind. We have sex and sexuality
in every direction and through every type of media, we have plastic surgery and
crazy ideals of what we should look all like, we have mass immigration and
emigration leading to people feeling threatened and a hatred of people who are
different, stoked by the broadsheets – Islamophobia anyone?

We have a
recession and economic hardship, but live in a consumerist world which acts as
if money is endless and we must not stop buying. We have wars that we can
watch from a distance whilst being too terrified to let our kids out of our
sight – they can’t go to the local shop alone, play on the street or go to
someone’s house to play unless you have learned to trust them because the bogey
man is lurking on every corner as witnessed by the daily stories of sexual
abuse in the news.

Depressed
yet or shall I go on? Sorry that is a bit much and there is much in the
modern world to be extremely grateful for. But my point is that is a very
different world and one that it has become very hard to raise children
in. My mum used to tell us about a saying from the Punjab – “children and
chicken’s raise themselves” i.e. you give birth and leave them to it. The
whole village used to keep an eye on them, you could give someone else’s child
a smack for misbehaving, societal rules were clear and internalised naturally
including an Islamic-ish environment which kind of just rubbed off on children
as they grew up. That’s not to say people did not work hard at parenting,
but raising children was part of daily life rather than a full time industry
and job in itself.

The world
has changed. Boundaries are not clear anymore and what parents say at
home is not consistent with what the media tells children, which again may be
different from what society or their peers tell them. Children have to
make choices about who they will listen to and which values they will
adopt. Imagine for a moment – practicing parents that encourage hijab,
friends that wear the hijab but with their highlighted fringe showing, boys in
the classroom that always look at the girls without hijab, beautiful girls on
the TV with big hair and an internet full of the latest hairstyles. What
do they do? What do you do as parents?

Think
back also of when we were young. I remember very clearly having to modify
my behaviour and language to fit in – I behaved differently at home and
differently at school. That dichotomy of the two sides of me – docile,
obedient and bookish at home, loud and foul-mouthed at school, took me many years
to reconcile until I could be brave enough to be the person I was wherever I
was.

To get to
the point, I think that the way we parent our children has to change. The
old fashioned authoritarian way of parenting is just not going to cut it anymore.
More than ever the “them” and “us” mentality that is created by authoritarian
parenting is not going to serve our families. Our children need our help
and guidance to get through this confusing world and they need us on their
side.

They need
to able to come to us with their questions and with their problems – how many
parents know whether their children have been sexted (getting sexually-explicit
texts) or whether they are getting inappropriate attention from someone.
If they have friends that have tried drugs, or if trying drugs are not even
considered a big deal in their peer group. Whether they have accidentally
or even out of curiosity looked up porn on the internet. If they know
someone at school that carries a knife or even a gun (this happened in my high
school class over twenty years ago, so who knows what really happens
now).

Little
Lady told me of a time her primary class were left unsupervised in an ICT
lesson and two of the boys decided to Google naughty words and look at the
images which the rest of the class could also see. One of the girls told
the teacher and both boys lost the privilege of using the internet and were
reported to their parents. I did wonder why the school didn’t had some
kind of block on this type of content, but I think it’s the kind of thing that
can easily happen as kids will always be curious.

Parents
often think these things can’t happen to their children, that they would know
or that they have raised their children better than that. The truth is
that more children that we think are exposed to these things and at a younger
age.

They are
pushed into a kind of adulthood far sooner than we were. When I deal with
my fourteen year old daughter, it feels like I am dealing with an adult much of
the time. This doesn’t mean though that they don’t need the protection,
love and guidance of their parents – they are still children whether they see
themselves in that way or not (as witnessed by my daughter’s inability to stop
leaving a trail of mess across the house or to let go of some of her old toys).

I am not
advocating to stop disciplining our children or stop expecting a certain
standard of behaviour. I just think that the way we implement this has to
be different. Because if we find our child has done something we don’t
like, the old fashioned way of dealing it with it – a slap, or smack with a
slipper or even the belt, might not have the same effect as it used to of
correcting the behaviour. It can put them firmly in a position where they
are at odds with us. They are no longer listening to anything that comes
out of our mouth and the value system or behaviour we are trying to instil can
become then ones they just want to run away from (anyone remember being beaten
or lectured during Quran lessons and just hating learning Arabic as a
child?). Most importantly, when they are witnessing or involved in
something inappropriate, we are the last person they feel that they can come to
because they expect censure, judgement, disappointment or even punishment, but we
are the ones they need help from the most.

How have
I changed my parenting from the way my parents used to do things? I
explain my decisions and why I want them to do thing a certain way – they are expected
to do what is asked but they know why. They know they can negotiate or
disagree with my opinion, as long as they are respectful and understand that I
have the final say. Our values are rooted not in the authority of the
parents, but our faith – we do things not because I want, but because Allah
(SWT) commands and we trust He knows best and commands us out of his love for
us. Most of all the children know I will listen and will not immediately
judge and go mental. I learned this from my sisters. They would
talk to me when they were growing up about things that happened to them or that
they had done because they knew I would not get angry or think they were bad,
but maybe take a gentler approach to steering them away from something).

That
doesn’t mean I am a perfect mom, that the method works perfectly or that my
children are perfectly well-behaved. Ask my neighbours, I am sure they
can hear me shouting when Gorgeous has just thrown wads of wet tissue at the
bathroom ceiling, or Little Lady has left her clothes in three different rooms,
or the boys have broken another door off the kitchen cabinets (that makes two
now). It does mean that we “negotiate” a lot; I have to be mindful that I
am consistent in what I am saying and doing, because your kids catch you out
very quickly. It can take longer to get them to adopt a behaviour because
the children might not agree with you about it (I think computer games will be
one we disagree on for the next ten years or so). But it leaves me
hopeful that if they are worried about something or something happens to them
that they know is wrong – they will come to me knowing I will listen and help
them without over-reacting or flying off the handle.What do you think? Do we need to hold onto traditional discipline in modern times, are parents too soft today? Or have you taken a different approach?

It
feels like time to be frivolous for a short while and celebrate the things I
love and enjoy. I feel as if after a
dark and painful summer, I have emerged into the beginnings of a winter that
has left me feeling positive and hopeful.
So I intend to be grateful and rejoice in all the beauty and colour and
the good things around me.

I
have thin ear lobes and have seen both my mums and mum-in-laws ear piercings
elongated over time due to wearing hoops over the years, so I rarely wear
earrings unless they are pearl or coloured studs to match an outfit. The colours of these are so pretty

One thing I like about winter is I can wear as many layers as I like,
including jumper dresses at home or under my abayah. In fact I could
live all year in jumper dresses. Maybe not as colourful as the ones
below (although I do like it), but in shades of black, grey and navy and in
fine knits and chunky cable knits.

Little Lady has me on a 21
day junk-free challenge. I have been trying really hard to eat lots of
fresh veg and fruit, but I am craving chocolate, preferably Belgian milk,
medium-dark, hazelnut or something slightly soft and gooey. Actually I
don't care, any chocolate would do, mine has all been confiscated.

Every now and again I like to use my oil burner with scented oils or wax
melts, either to relax or mask the smell when Gorgeous leaves his stinky socks
in my room. At some point I will take the time to work out which
essential oils are best for me, but until then anything fresh and sweet will
do.

I have some bangles from my
wedding that my mum saved up for and bought with great love. She haggled
with the jeweller until he was almost in tears (mum is an awesome
shopper). They are beautiful, delicate filigree work with enamel and very rarely worn as I don't want to
damage them. But I like the idea of some beaten gold bangles, old
fashioned like the type my grandmother's generation wore with minimal
design. Either that, or simple gold bangles, one for each of my children
with their names engraved inside.

I love organising things and making a place for everything, whether it's
putting things in boxes, baskets, organising cupboards or just lining things
up. I managed to get hold of a very
strong wooden ottoman from the charity shop earlier this year. A bit like the one below but with a black leather
seat on top and wheels. It cost £15 including free
delivery to my house and it now houses all of my scarves, cardigans and
handbags.

I had wondered if going to Capel Manor Gardens so late in the year was a
good idea. The pictures I looked at of
the Gardens online showed greenery and flowers.
By this time of year the flowers would be gone and everything withering
away.

I was very pleasantly surprised to find that even in mid-October there
were flowers and greenery everywhere. We
have had a very mild autumn and although the golds and reds of autumn are
showing in the trees, the Gardens were still vibrant with colour. I was surprised to find bumblebees and
butterflies in some parts of the Gardens.

I might have got carried away taking pictures of flowers…

I love how the blueish foliage of this marigold complements the orange
of the flower, nature has a stunning way of pairing colours.

There is something
old-fashioned, but so elegant about a simple pink English rose.

We have taken the children
to a few stately manor houses and gardens, but what really sold them on
visiting Capel Manor Gardens was the promise of seeing animals, especially
a crocodile.

We started our
day at the Gardens by visiting the animals. They were an intriguing
mix of farmyard, forest and more exotic creatures.

These are
Patagonian Mara - I had never heard of such a thing and despites its
kangaroo-like appearance it is a kind of rodent. They sat with their
backs to us in the morning and when we came back late in the afternoon, they were still in the
same position. I told my kids they reminded me of them when they are
sulking.

The beautiful birds included these colourful parrots:

We thought these were kangaroos, but they are wallabies:

There were sheep, donkeys and an alpaca, but we could not get close
enough to see the alpaca on this occasion.

When I saw a sign saying Scottish Wildcat, I didn't expect something
that looks so much like a big tabby cat.
But I watched the cat for a while and certainly there was something
wilder about this cat, a very beautiful animal.

The Wallaby Hide was a nice little tucked away enclosure allowing you to
watch the animals quietly...except my kids don't really do quietly.

There were also meerkats,
barn owls, porcupine, squirrels and a domestic cat which lazed in a cat bed and that the kids were immediately enamoured with.

We didn't see the reptiles
in the smaller rooms on our first round and had to ask someone where the
crocodile was. We managed to spot tortoises but couldn't see the
crocodile in his habitat.

The Shetland ponies were held separately in a field. Darling and Baby were overjoyed to see Applejack.

It was a nice mix of animals to compliment the rest of the garden and
the babies were besotted with the real life ponies.

About me

My passions include writing, books, bargain-hunting, dawah, crafts (cards, banners and jewellery), art, travel with my children, henna, being organised and the English countryside. You can contact me at umm_salihah@yahoo.co.uk

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