April 18, 2008

Televishit

No Instanet at home means I can't fall asleep listening to prank phone calls, studying the Encyclopedia Dramatica, or constantly refreshing Michelle Branch's website in hopes that she announces more tour dates. That, plus the unfortunate combination of being illiterate and having acute Netflix constipation, I am now forced to pass out while shitty television "entertains" me.

Luckily, I've been completely exhausted lately, so it doesn't take much to knock me out. I have managed to catch some awesome episodes of SVU and CI, but USA and their Law and Order loving ilk have been feeding me too many repeats. I have to say though, the combination of Law and Order repeats and caffeine-free Coca-Cola is conducive to my creative process. I seem to be able to write a lot of music whenever Goren's professionalism is under suspicion by his friends and foes.

I can only handle so many Law and Orders in a row though, so eventually, I have to flip away and see what the rest of the television world has to offer. It ain't pretty, though.

FrankTV - The Frank Caliendo show. Basically just a bunch of impersonations, which is half of everything I already hate about Saturday Night Live (the other half is the musical "comedy"). Do I need to see another parody of Inside the Actors' Studio? Do I need to hear more Bill Clinton womanizing jokes? Who gives a shit? He doesn't even really look like he's having fun.

Baywatch - Some weird new channel called ION started airing this after The Drew Carey Show occasionally, but I can't seem to get a grasp of its official airtime. Along with a billion other Erfflings, I used to watch Baywatch on syndication in the early 90's. It was instant camp (and it usually aired after WWF). Back then I knew it was so bad that it was good, and it's even worse/better now. The music montages average at a whopping 4 per episode! And the outro is usually a Hasselhoff tune, such as "Current of Love":

Like a ship that's tossed outOn the oceanWe get caught up swimmin'In the motionHearts were sailing, love was onThe right trackGot out so far thatWe can't get backBut darlin we can'tLet our hopes go downIt's tough to find out wereThere's solid ground

I would continue to sing Baywatch's praises right now, but BLOGGER IS BEING A CUNT AND I CAN'T ESCAPE ITALICS. I swear, Blogging should be the simplest fucking thing in the world. But here I am, typing in a white box that can only handle 14 lines because it's a sixth of the size of my fucking screen, I can't post giant pictures, and I can't unitalicize my god damn text. Simple text and simple images... and it's gotta be mutilated. I have to go and copy something from before when it worked, paste it below, and then go from there. Eighteen motherhumping steps to do one douchebag thing.AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I WOULD KICK SOMETHING, BUT I'M NOT WEARING MY STEEL-TOED BOOTS TODAY BECAUSE I DECIDED THAT I'M GOING TO WEAR SNEAKERS TO WORK ON FRIDAYS BECAUSE WE USED TO HAVE "DRESS DOWN FRIDAYS" WHERE EVERYONE WAS ALLOWED TO WEAR JEANS BUT I DIDN'T PARTICIPATE BECAUSE I DON'T WEAR JEANS, AND NOW THEY'VE INSTITUTED "BUSINESS CASUAL" ATTIRE FOR EVERY DAY (NOT JUST FRIDAYS) AND I STILL REFUSE TO WEAR JEANS, SO WEARING MY SNEAKERS WITH THE DEMONS ON THEM IS MY WAY OF STICKING IT TO THE MAN, EVEN THOUGH THE MAN IS WEARING JEANS AND IS ACTUALLY LESS UPTIGHT THAN I AM.

In Venezuela recently, they declared the Simpson's to be unfit for children. The show was pulled off the air and replaced with Baywatch. Obviously, half naked big breast women bouncing around a beach is what every child should watch.

ION used to be PAX. It's supposed to be a politically correct Christian network. The Amy Grant of Television Networks