God E, this is so damn hard to give a crit to. I mean, there's just so much ache in it.

If it were mine, I think I'd consider changing the line "and force me to shuffle." Shuffle just sounds so passive. I understand exactly what you're saying, but isn't it more like careening off a very high cliff? I dunno- I see shuffling as more of a lazy, not picking up your feet sort of dragging walk.

Also not big on the "somewhere around my belly button." Belly button is so, well, cute. Breath seems to catch in your gut, maybe even in your womb, or anchors itself in your navel... and does your heart fall, or does it plunge?

Just one non-writer's thoughts. Who am I to judge? Overall, this is such a solid and painful to read piece of poetry.

Alright. I am writer. No doubt. And I do not judge, but offer a helping hand. First things first, omit "the" from the first line. It sounds so much more poetic without it. I hadn’t thought about the shuffling thing. But now that it’s been pointed out, I agree somewhat. But a simple solution would be just to omit the word, and end that line with “to.” That’s all I have. It looks great . . . and will always hold its own place in my heart.

About Me

Traveler of a winding path, content in my journey, unconcerned with the destination. Spiritual, not religious. Quirky, but not quite odd. Named for the place I come from, and which I'll likely never see. Trying to change the world one little bit at a time...