Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: The Wurst of Times

(...unless they hit you first.)

In the 1850s, before the pennyfarthing was a lopsided glint in James Starley's eye, Charles Dickens wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." Then, in 1991, the group Black Sheep came along and rapped, "You can get with this, or you can get with that..." While Dickens and Black Sheep were separated by about 140 years (as well as by Dickens's glaring lack of DJ accompaniment), the message has not changed: we live in a world of extremes. At any given moment in history, the spectrum of human experience and endeavor ranges from the sublime to the repulsive, and from altruism to malice. Where we place ourselves on this spectrum depends equally on our choices and our circumstances--we can live lives of beauty or of misery, or we can avoid both and live in that mushy, tasteless, and odorless middle area known as "meh."

Our own moment of history is no exception, and it's certainly both the best of times and the worst of times for cyclists. I was recently traveling upon the Great Hipster Silk Route (the hipsters and Hassidim are now bartering with each other, and I was on my way to help negotiate a complex body jewelry/kasha varnishkes trade) when I noticed that a vast new lime green bike lane is underway on Kent Avenue, where until recently muffin top-related skirmishes were erupting with disturbing frequency:

Moreover, while Kent Avenue was formerly a two-way street for motor vehicles, it is now a one-way street. However, the bike lane is bi-directional, which I interpret as a preemptive strike against bike salmon. Also, if you're familiar with the area, you'll note that the bike lane is on the unpopulated side of the street, presumably to best shield the pious local residents from the constant procession of visible ass cracks and worn-v-neck-and-messenger-bag-strap-induced nipple-slips.

However, while this may herald a new era of peace and understanding, I fear for the future of the bike lane itself, since I'm sure it will soon be riddled with skid marks. Or will it? Perhaps the white tire trend is actually motivated by courteousness, and hipsters are simply palping them on their brakeless bikes in order to keep the new bike lanes looking clean and fresh. (They almost certainly learned this at their parents' country clubs, where they were not allowed to wear sneakers with black soles on the tennis court. I suspect they formed their eating habits there too--I recently witnessed a hipster asking for "balsamic" at a greasy spoon.) Still, it still doesn't explain their grips:

But while more bike lanes can mean better urban cycling, so far it really only helps if you can afford to live in "Hipster Zone 1," which is where all the bike lane innovation is currently taking place. Basically, it's the best of times for hipsters, but the worst of times for everyone else:

And even in Hipster Zone 1, these improvements cause as much acrimony as they do celebration. Take this recent Craigslist post:

For those of you observing rules, common sense and courtesy, thank you.

The rest of you, however, can get fucked.

I can't be bothered to count, but there are dozens of painted stencils in each lane the length of the bridge outlining which way and in which lane pedestrians and cyclists are to travel. Please do not yell "fag" at me when I try to get around 11 of your teenage asses flanking the bridge. If you cannot see what is coming up behind you, perhaps walking on the other side will offer you a safer and more pleasurable bridge crossing.

If you and your friends are too tired to ride over the bridge, no problem. Walking side by side with your bikes takes up the majority of the road.. This is rude. Single file!

Every cyclist that makes a point to dart directly in front of me when passing, kissing my front wheel and looking back angrily, please next time just slow next to me and let me know you'd like to be punched in the face, so I don't have to catch up with you at the bottom to do it.

Bike "punxxx" who need to stop riding to have a beer and fifteen cigarettes and choose to do so in places that aren't the middle or bottom of the bridge are also on my list.

I'm as for courteous cycling as I am against homophobic epithets. That said, even I have to admit that it is every teenager's responsibility to goad and antagonize any responsible adult who admonishes them outside of a school or other bastion of authority. Expecting teenagers to follow pedestrian rules is like leaving a steak on the floor and expecting your dog not to eat it. That's what they do--it's simply the way of the world. Also, it's important to remember that sometimes passing is necessary, like when you encounter a rider with two fully loaded panniers:

That said, there's a nice way to pass people and there's a rude way to pass people, and as for the aggressive wheel-choppers if they're adults they have no excuse--though it is possible they read this piece in the current issue of Bicycling magazine:

As both a writer with a monthly column in Bicycling and a bicycle commuter I must say I was troubled by this advice. There's enough ridiculous commuter behavior out there as it is in the form of shoaling, red light trackstanding, and general obliviousness. The last thing these people should be doing is adding traffic light sprints and mid-block "bursts" to their routines--which is to say nothing of doing one-legged drills. As amusing as it would be to see some guy on a hybrid sticking one khaki-clad leg and wingtip-shod foot out while pedaling frantically with the other, I don't want to be anywhere near him when he falls, nor do I want to be the one forced to fashion a tourniquet from his braided leather belt in order to stanch the bleeding of the pedestrian he's just flattened during another "midblock burst." I especially love the following bit of advice: "When the light turns green, blow off the line with intense energy." That's a great way to get killed by a driver who's mistimed a yellow light run. All that would be left would be your Nitto bars and your deerstalker hat:

Fortunately, though, not everybody wants to take part in rush-hour training or competition. For example, when it comes to being challenged, this rider simply says, "Frame me out:"

Actually, I'm not sure his "Frame me out" t-shirt means "Don't challenge me," or if he simply wants to be framed out of any photographs, in which case I'm sorry not to have obliged. Or maybe "Frame me out" is simply another way of saying, "Do not put anything in my flower box."

But while overly aggressive bicycle commuters can be irritating, slow-moving bicycles can sometimes be just as annoying. And there's no bicycle slower than one that's still in the box, like these which I encountered this morning as they were being unloaded from a truck in front of a bike shop and placed right in the middle of the bike lane:

If I were Danny MacAskill I might have relished the opportunity to bunnyhop the formidable Wall of Specialized, but since I'm not it just made me cranky. And no sooner had I circumvented this obstruction than I found myself inhaling the filthy two-stroke exhaust from this idiotic moped:

I've been seeing increasing numbers of mopeds on the streets of New York City. Judging from the Chrome bag and general mode of dress, I suspect this may represent the next evolutionary stage of hipster mobility. Sadly, it's not one that's fast or large enough to keep them out of our bike lanes and out of our way; instead, they're still there, only their bikes are just louder and smellier. I wonder if any of them go brakeless. Personally, I don't understand why people sacrifice both the efficiency of a bicycle and the power of a motorcycle by riding things like mopeds, much in the same way I don't understand why this man sacrifices both the minimalism of a flip-flop and the full coverage of a shoe with his stomach-turning choice of "mandal:"

Clearly, he wanted to get with this and with that, and clearly it's the worst of times for shoes.

In Our Hometown I represented an early hipster--first woman teacher in the local Yeshiva. Rabbi told her after a few weeks, the boys were getting all hot and bothered by her piercings and the squeak of her nylons.

took me a long time to figure out whether or not that kent ave bike lane was one way or two way for cyclists. and by "figure out" i mean it took me until yesterday when they painted arrows pointing each way.

I have encountered a bicyle towing a canoe in the city of Somerville (just north of the Peoples Republic of Cantabrigia, one of Bicycling's "Most Bike Friendly Cities", I might add) and the gentleman piloting the leading bike seemed to be enjoying himself... I have to say though, If I had a canoe I might consider the trail-a-noe (Pronounced; Trail-ah-new)

second; unbuilt bicycles in boxes completely obstructing a bike lane (whilst a truck blocks the road, no less)... is this irony? or does it just suck?

So-called flip-flops are the Huffy of footwear, perfectly suitable for standing in the shower where others urinate. Sandals are the correct hip-wear when relaxing or standing on the sidewalk.A proper walk however should be undertaken in black-sole sneakers.

I went to the Hawaiian islands once, and everybody was palping the same $4 disposable flip-flops ("flippers")and strumming (rocking) Ukes. Pot-bellied puppies in every yard, 47CC scooters everywhere. It wouldn't be so bad if this is where we are all headed.

That Bicycling Magazine article is a freakin' joke. I just read the article at lunch and then discovered BSNYC lampooning it online. For Chrissakes, it's a ride to work...not training miles for the next Giro. I know, I know...the "leitmotif" of the magazine is about going fast, but still -- get to work without turning into a heap of sweat and do your hardcore training shit on the way home!

I'm thinking that a whole new brand of triathlon could be created. Swim to your bike/kayak , ride your bike/kayak ( preferably a loop that would take you back to where you ended the swim), dismount and paddle back across the lake.

sufferists - how about you paddle a canoe with a bike in it to the other side of a lake, you take the bike out of the canoe, hook up a trailer and tow the canoe for a while, then portage the canoe while carrying the bike cyclocross style?

Oh baby, I'll stuff her panniers any day. Especially when her pannierway matches her helmetway. I would assume that this means her carpetway matches the draperyway...

Anyway, Hipster Zone 1 is funny since it includes a substantial leg of the Big Skanky. Is there a regatta of post-ironic canoes that I'm not privy to? Let me know so I can get into the Newtown Creek Yacht Club before it's membership closes.

Kale: thanks, I kinda expected that someone had done something similar before. My event would/could not include a running portion, unless I wanted to take a team approach. My hinges are on the fringes....

Ant1: currently I only have a kayak, which would obviate my participation. Maybe if the bike were tied to a rope and dragged across the lake via kayak, then fished out and ridden when the kayak portion is over....hmmm..does a crabon fibre rig float? More research to do...If you hear about someone knocking cyclists off of bikes near a local waterway and flinging them into the drink, that's me field testing a couple ideas. Do not be alarmed....

All these protected bike lanes will limit the fun of riding a bike, like this morning when I was riding beside a cellphone wielding minivanette for a few moments when she finally looked left and saw me and said "holy fucking shit!" and swerved right. Priceless.

Everyone knows this is a cranky species. And most people can see that the particular strain of critter found in America is especially prone to graceless oubursts, being, as we are, a collection of all the strange and restless castoffs and rolling stones who proved such an ill fit back home. George Carlin - Brain Droppings

yep, and you could grind up all the old tires to make the bikeways...them we could just run around on our bare MA40s and never get flats. Exploding wheels aside, this could work. the downside being said rubber strips would soon be clogged with knee-conscious runner-salmon.

...patty smith helped encourage carroll's participation in the rock genre & the man was influential in his time...& while the very creative jimmy carroll collaborated w/ a lotta well known entities in the rock world, the bottom line is this...he & his band rocked hard...

on a recent expedition to LA, where i was originally planning to study flocks of fixed gear riders, i witnessed a large pack of moped riders outside the tar pits, all dressed like stereotypical hipsters. perhaps they were trying to accumulate critical mass.

meanwhile back home in germany we cracked down on mopeds in the 70s already. but someone should do something against folding bikes, there's an epidemic.

I don't need great green stripes in the hipster zone. Wait, my City doesn't have a hipster zone, really. Anyway, I don't need great green lines. I'll be happy to hang with the rest of the losers, just give me smooth pavement.

I reposted this because the one with the link in it made me feel like a dirty blog traffic cheater boy, so I deleted it.

Those roads look pretty smooth by NYC standards. But that banana peel would throw me for a loop. We have a lot of steel plates here that cover trenches and bomb craters which are really smooth. But a little too smooth when it rains...

hillbilly, I hate the milling and repaving too. At least it results in a nice smooth ride after a week or 2. That is until they come back and cut a trench into the street a week or 2 after that to lay some gas or water lines.

Union St. in Brooklyn all the way from the water to PP is in dire need of milling and paving. I swear, all of the craters on that street are on the bike lane side too...

i love the milling/repaving. they've been doing it in CP annually (it seems that way, anyhow) ... blowing through those sectors is always a blast. your own personal cental park-roubaix (not the video game, mind you)

bg dubs, appreciate the post on JC - i hadn't seen that. requiescat in pace.

sufferist, and it's fully suspended to boot! I'd be afraid to ride that for fear that the comfortably prone position would cause me to doze off and coast into traffic. Setting it up as a fixed gear should prevent that.

BSNYC (or anyone who may know) - Aren't the green painted bike zones completely slippery? I avoid paint lines and crosswalk stripes where I can when conditions are wet - I can't imagine being forced to ride in a giant wet paint line like that?...

for once NYC is behind on the hipster trends, hipsters have been riding mopeds around SF for at least two years. apparently chicago also,see hollywood holt's "throw a kit"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_kIUSr7-is

i like the smell of two stroke. much better than the sanitized stench that comes out of a hot cataclitic converter. is not right that you dont have to put oil in modern cars. some of them dont even have a sump plug anymore.

I think Bicycling magaines push for folk to ride with randomness (at least it would appear to be so from anyone outside the brain of the rider) is a good idea. the more unpredictable people on the road the better. This will make the car driver more wary (erratic), and will give proper city riders, like myself, new challenges. I feel that the tracings of the riders at the top of the page are very impoersonal. Its like the "artist" brief was to remove the soul from a person on a bike.

Its bad enough if you live outside of the zone, but if you live in Queens (and not east of Flushing or Jamaica) there is only 1 east-west bike lane. This is shameful compared to even the 'looser'zone of Brooklyn, who's populations are roughly equal.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!