So I typically don’t dabble in the gossip news, outside of stories I may see on my Twitter feed and the tabloid covers waiting in line at the Supermarket; Kanye supposedly cheats on Kim a lot, and apparently Ben Affleck been married to 30 going on 30 girl for a decade (actually they’re divored because you can’t BE Batman if you aren’t miserable). So when I saw the story of Mariah Carey breaking up with her billionaire boyfriend, I shrugged. I mean I never thought they belonged together, it was just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby I’m sure she gave her all and a hero will come along and she can shake it off one sweet day. I’m sure it’s just emotions. However, all she wants for Christmas is to sue….for an inconvenience fee. Not alimony, not child support, not even for taking care of a dude and buying him a car like the chubby white girls on Judge Judy do..an inconvenience fee, B. If she does indeed hit for this lick, it sets a precedent for every instamodel with a “booking” email in their bio. The entire fabric of dating can change. I’m not sure if this is black excellence or white privilege (because like an Animaniac, no one is completely sure what Mariah is…I mean she did name her child Moroccan Cannon, which an be the blackest thing ever or the most pow e rful weapon in Halo…we need to get a racial dolezal on her once and for all).

Anyway doe, Mariah done changed the game. It’s hard out here for a pimp, I’ve certainly blew my share of bread looking for love in all the wrong places…is it time for some reparations? Do I need to start sending off some invoices just in time for tax season? I mean just off the top of my head there was…

$95 for that girl who ordered a whole bottle of wine on our date. This wasn’t even gainfully employed me, this was 2 retail jobs, sleeping on all couch me. As you can see that still triggers me.

79.99 in custom bouquet that went largely ignored but every damn omelette you make is worth 4 snaps.

$32.50 for Madea Goes to Jail tickets plus an additional $20 for making me break my promise of never seeing a Tyler Perry film

$287.50 in missed Celtics game

$XXXXX.XX in approx 26 months in back rent and other expenses

$150 in text and minute overages (it’s wild in hindsight they literally charged us to use cell phones by the minute)

Nutri ninja, 119.99 (okay it was a regular ol blender but still)

$500 in “borrowed” textbooks

$4795 in missed college courses

$75 in flight cancellation fees

$375 in ordered food you barely touch, pack up, take home and never touch

3 stolen fitted caps, $34.99 ea

$600 in retroactive Uber pay for taking your musty father to work and an $120 in car fresheners

Destroyed laptop, $799

4 stolen hooded sweatshirts, $39.99 ea

$1000 fee for making me move to Norwood

Love is expensive. Maybe Mimi is on to something; you invest a lot into relationships and when they don’t work…you don’t get that time, money or effort back. I mean yeah there’s the love and shit like that but nah, I just want the paper, B. Granted, Mariah’s common law wife entitlement after she been with dude for a year (?) tops is quite silly but I’m sure there’s some 12 years a sidepiece, ringless like Carmelo, I wasted my whole prime with you folks out here who probably need to go review their financial records. Of course, it’s one thing to sue a billionaire for 50 million and trying to get retribution from Donte who only makes $50K a year. Maybe you can get back that iPhone. Maybe.

As for me, I guess I can charge most of my inconveniences to the game…I did most things out of love or very extreme thirst. This post was largely tongue in cheek but as I think about it…I’ve blown a lot of money on women; and I’ve certainly dented a clutch or two. Shoutout to them. The game is the game, and even Mariah gotta accept that. So do I. Except for the mixer. I really liked the mixer.