Sunday, August 8, 2010

TUF E NUF FILM BUF - HAWK THE SLAYER

Do you know how many sides a icosahedron die has? For those of you who know it has twenty sides and that no dungeon master worth his weight in geldings goes anywhere without it, this movie is for you. Hawk The Slayer is a sword and sandal rumination on all the stereotypes of a D&D game. Swords, sorcery, warriors, dwarves, elves, magic, high-adventure, and Jack Palance.

A king in a castle is about to enjoy a dip in his gargoyle decorated pink jacuzzi in a golden room. By the looks of things you half expect Prince and the Mary Jane Girls to show up for a cocaine fueled orgy but no, you get a one-eyed Jack Palance (which might be the best euphemism for penis ever) instead.

He is the evil Voltan, the king's eldest son, who demands the key to the "ancient power". When dad won't give it up Voltan runs him through with his sword and jets.

In bursts the younger son, Hawk, in a studded green leather vest and a dumb look on his face.

In his last moments his Father instructs him to remove the pouch hidden in his cloak. In that pouch is a glowing green orb thing known as the Mindstone.

Before he can try and smoke it, it magically takes flight and floats towards a golden sword with a hand on the hilt.

The hand on the hilt of the sword opens and grasps the stone tightly. The sword and the Mindstone join together creating a magical weapon known as the Mindsword!

Naturally, Hawk thinks about masturbating with hand on the Mindsword.

But before he can an animated hawk flies into frame

and the title sequence begins! Huzzah!

Verily, our adventure begins. Voltan "The Dark One", appropriately dressed in black all the time, is righteously pissed his dad wouldn't give him the Mindsword and begins his campaign of revenge by angrily yelling for a wizard at the mouth of a cave.

The wizard tells Voltan about a man that stands in the way of his Ultimate Victory.

Unsure about where to begin his quest for the Ultimate Victory, Voltan storms a nunnery with his son Drogo to kidnap the boss nun to hold for ransom.

Ranulf, a one-handed warrior who's village was burned by Voltan, tries to get tough with his cross bow

and gets a knife in the chest.

Voltan's demands? 2,000 gold pieces. His timeline? "I will return when next the moon is full". His demonstration of consequence if the ransom is not met? He cuts a loaf of bread in two.

Ranulf rides for the Holy Fortress of Daneford to speak to the High Abbott for advice on how to battle the evil Voltan and rescue the Abbess.

While the High Abbott tries to pray away an unwanted erection, a boy brings news of the traveling warrior Ranulf.

The Abbott tells Ranulf to ride forth and seek out a warrior of unmatched courage and strength to fight for their cause. When he cannot find such a warrior, he settles on Hawk, who has been biding his time riding around on a pony and trying to hotbox the forest.

With his sword on his mind and his mind on his Mindsword he runs across a pair of rapscallions who are holding court in the forest. The defendant is accused of killing a pig with witchery and the prosecution is pursing their line of questioning with the standard "if she screams while she's dying, she's innocent" burning at the stake method.

Being more renaissance than medieval, Hawk disapproves this kind of judiciary process and saves the woman from the brigands. The woman is a sorceress and tells Hawk that he is sought by the one-handed man Ranulf. Hawk rides his horsey through some puddles just for giggles.

After horsing around in the forest to a strange Italo-disco soundtrack, Hawk stumbles upon another pair of forest outlaws. This time they have the one-handed Ranulf tied to a tree in a scene clearly referenced by the movie Deliverance.

After killing the two with his Mindsword, which he can control with his mind btw, he unties Ranulf who tells him of his quest.

Meanwhile, in a flashback, we learn why Voltan is so evil. It's because he is jealous of Hawk's girlfriend.

He claims that they once dated. A claim refuted by the fair maiden with, "We were but friends, nothing more." Which, misheard by Hawk as, "We were butt friends", causes a deep rift between the brothers. The flashback ends as Voltan warns Hawk to, "watch for me in the night", which could have been misinterpreted as a threat of sodomy after which the brothers themselves would become "butt friends".

Hawk and Ranulf travel through the forest to find the sorceress from ealier. She uses her witchy powers to summon glowing hula-hoops to transport Hawk across vast distances to assemble an elite team, Gauntlet style, to take it to Voltan.

Hawk's team-

The trusty Ranulf, who might only have one hand but he makes up for it with his automatic crossbow.

Gort, a giant drunk with a giant hammer.

Crow, a bow and arrow wielding elf with a little sugar in his quiver.

And the dwarf, Baldin. An ugly little scamp who uses a whip and his wit. Here he is about to eat a fish head, or demonstrate giving head with a fish, hard to tell.

Lo, our heroes hath brave many a foul danger in thine quest to rescue the Abbess and cut down the wretched Voltan and his army of evil-doers. The journey will be long, about an hour approximately, and will require much skill, cunning, and valor for there be-

Beasties!

Forest cults!

Slavers!

Cobwebs!

Drogo and his death squad!

Black magic fireballs!

Ghostly apparitions!

And perhaps most terrifying of all, the threat of a sequel!

Hawk The Slayer delivers on every level. That is, if there is only one level and that level is called "I'm high". So take your hand off your Mindsword for a minute, dumb yourself down with some nyquil or something, and download Hawk The Slayer here. When you're done, and still robo-trippin', mount your steed and rock the soundtrack, which sounds like Yanni took acid and found a pan flute. Enjoy!