Herded Through the Great Whine

Narendra Modi’s big speech in Srinagar was a pain in the behind.

In the run-up to Modi’s rally in Srinagar on 7 November, Kashmiri social media was speculating how low Mufti Syed would stoop to appease his big brother Modi. Lo and behold, he didn’t so much stoop low as crawl like a pathetic factotum, arbitrarily restricting the movement of people and caging everyone he felt could spoil his big bash.

The octogenarian pro-plebiscite leader SAS Geelani had announced his own rally to counter Modi’s, in what came to be known as the “Million March” or “TRC Chalo”. But Mufti and his team immediately put the J&K Police on its notorious “pilot mode”. When the J&K Police goes into pilot mode it works like a pre-engineered machine that swoops down to every home and hearth and bundles up people into prisons without any regard for the rule book or principles of human rights. The machine sees nothing, hears thing. It does only one thing and that is to act on its default prompter: “pakdo saalo ko, karo isko andar, usko bhi, sabko andar karo.”

As the day approached, every netizen awaited with bated breath how things would turn out. On the day, this happened: the PDP-BJP managed to gather a largely rented crowd at the SK Cricket Stadium—a hodgepodge of migrant laborers (mostly from Bihar and UP) and local daily wagers, and who knows if there was sprinkle of vagrants also. As reported by David Devadas, the rented crowd was given food and a makeover at the Srinagar Police Control Room a night before.

When the J&K Police goes into pilot mode it works like a pre-engineered machine that swoops down to every home and hearth and bundles up people into prisons without any regard for the rule book or principles of human rights. The machine sees nothing, hears thing. It does only one thing and that is to act on its default prompter: “pakdo saalo ko, karo isko andar, usko bhi, sabko andar karo.”

There were also reports of migrant labourers from Bihar being abducted by paramilitary forces, bundled into a truck and being unloaded at the venue. This was utterly grotesque! Political scientists have proposed a new term for such bizarre cases of abduction: TEDPOP—Temporary Enforced Disappearance for Political Purposes.

PDP leaders were all praise for the audience and thanked them profusely for their patience. “We know it was a tough day for you, but we won’t let you down,” Mehbooba said to the visibly indolent crowd of “supporters”, who were frequently adjusting their numbed arses. “Bukhari saheb has already ordered a truckload of MOOV cream for you, which you can collect at the counter outside.”

However, things spiced up soon after when Omar Abdullah tweeted: “so much for ache din! They distributed expired MOOV cream to the poor people. They thrive on expired things. Shame!” Our sources, however, told us that Omar was scoring brownie points, but that the scandal was a tad different. The source informed us that “Bukhari had taken advantage of the Diwali sale and ordered the ointment from Flipkart on heavy discount rates. It was, like, a 70 percent flat sale, but he took payment for full MRP prices from the BJP.”

The source informed us that “Bukhari had taken advantage of the Diwali sale and ordered the ointment from Flipkart on heavy discount rates. It was, like, a 70 percent flat sale, but he took payment for full MRP prices from the BJP.”

Naeem Akhtar, who lately goes by a new honorific of “Birbal” because of his shrewdness, said in a recent interview that “future generations will benefit from the current PDP-BJP coalition.” While many came down heavily on him for constantly and shamelessly justifying what is termed as an “unholy alliance”, I think he is right, in a way.

Here is the point: had Europeans not seen and witnessed the horrors of Nazism, would they have ever corrected their ways? The coming of Hitler was, in a way, good for later generations of Europeans, as they understood the scourge of war and the evilness of an ultra-nationalistic ideology and vowed never to repeat the mistake. People were shaken out of their numbed senses by the actions of the fascists. In the same way, because of the BJP-PDP alliance, even the most apathetic bystanders in Kashmir have come to realise what a bunch of shameless opportunists, shorn of principles and ethics, these pro-India political parties in Kashmir are. So yes, Mr Akhtar aka Birbal, you are darned right, future generations will definitely benefit from the current alliance.

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The general secretary of the All India Pampered Cows Association (AIPCA) briefed the press after the Bihar elections results. “We are very concerned that after Bihar ke lalas refused to take the BJP’s poppycock politics, we may be abandoned like a disposable item,” said a visibly anxious Dhanno Rani. “Really, after all the limelight and national coverage, who would like to live an ordinary street life anymore? We hope Maneka Gandhiji won’t change her mind and stock up videshi Lizol in her office, and we also hope that our loyal bhakts in the Sangh Parivar won’t stop taking their sanjeevani booti for an extra boost of Hindutva. In fact, they will need our drinks—gau mootra—more than ever to see where the gobar has been smeared.”

“They should understand there is power in being in the mainstream. Look at me: did you find a single reporter asking me during the March that my wife is a BJP politician? No, absolutely not. Not even you.”

The Bihar election results have also upset Anupam Kher. “I fail to understand these Biharis,” he reportedly told Barkha Dutt. “When are they going to join the mainstream? Didn’t they see my March for India rally? They should understand there is power in being in the mainstream. Look at me: did you find a single reporter asking me during the March that my wife is a BJP politician? No, absolutely not. Not even you. Did you find any damn reporter ever ask me whether I have ever lived in Kashmir? Was my family really there in 1990? No, absolutely never. Not even your reporters. You see, that is the power of being in the mainstream. You never get asked the real questions. So the question is why don’t Biharis join the mainstream, why, for Bhagwan’s sake, why! why! why! eeeeee ooooo eeeeee!!!”

Bihar election results not only piqued up things in India, but also made Pakistan join the fray. In a significant development, the Pakistan National Assembly is reportedly going to propose to include Bihar as the symbolic fifth province of the country. In a brief statement to the press, Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif said, “We congratulate the people of Bihar for reposing their faith in Pakistani solidarity and defeating the BJP and its nefarious Hindutva agenda. We have already ordered shipments of fifth-generation short-range firecrackers from our Chinese friends and soon, during the swearing in ceremony of the Bihar government, we will illuminate the whole of South Asia and celebrate with you. Moreover, we have decided to confer the Nishan-e-Pakistan on Nitish Kumar and Lalu Prasad Yadav for their excellent contribution in bringing Modi and his toadies down to the earth.”

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Taking cognisance of Chetan Bhagat’s controversial tweet about the work of historians, top contemporary historians in the US and Europe have decided to establish a fellowship which will be called the “Eric Hobsbawm Fellowship for the Enlightenment of the Educated Ignorant”. The fellowship carries $500,000 plus a trip to the Library of Congress. Doon School and St Stephens passouts are strictly barred from applying, because prospective students like Bhagat are highly allergic to their ivory-tower activism.

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Tahir is currently a research scholar of Politics and International Relations at Dublin City University. He finished his masters in International Peace Studies in 2014 from International University of Japan.
He has previously worked as a features writer and correspondent with Greater Kashmir for two years.
His articles and poems have appeared in Greater Kashmir, Kashmir Reader, The Conveyor Magazine, Reading Hour, Kindle Magazine, The Japan Times, The Caravan and The Express Tribune.
When not reading current news or a piece of fiction, he idles away on bottomless Facebook or keeps thinking about his next write up.