Army Men: Sarge's War

The dreaded plastic soldiers are back. Insert hari kari knife here.

It's genuinely amazing to me that anybody, ANYBODY, ever picked up the Army Men license in the 3DO purge fest that took place when Trip Hawkins' company went down in flames in the summer of 2003. We all wish game could be a blockbuster. But not everything can, and sometimes game companies think they can take a series, save it, and make it better.

Apparently, TDK Mediactive, which was thereafter purchased by GTA-rich Take-Two Interactive, thought Army Men would go well with Shrek, Robotech, and other low budget and other licensed games. There was definitely a pattern there. Anyway, while some kind of saving of the series might happen in the future, it's not happening here with Army Men: Sarge's War, which is, not surprisingly, a dull, been-there-done that, third person shooter. Even by Army Men standards it's dull, boring and repetitive.

Gameplay For the most part, nothing much has changed since the last time you played an Army Men game. Army Men: Sarge's War is a third-person shooter based on the never-ending war between the Greens and the Tans (SUPRRISE!), and Sarge is your man. He's tough, he'd built like a green gorilla, and he sounds like Duke Nukem, though he's not nearly as funny. You can play the game in single-player mode through the campaign, and you can also vie against three others in four-player split-screen. You can also check out who's online via Xbox Live Aware.

Army Men: Sarge's War is a simple shooter, with really quick load times, basic gameplay premises, and very little special extras or unique qualities. You move from mission to mission, following a minimalist storyline, beating short, small levels and using more and more powerful weapons. It's your most standard fare ever. One thing for sure, it makes other shooters, such as, say, The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher's Bay or even Metal Slug 3 look like pure genius in comparison. Heck, even Shadow Ops: Red Mercury looks pretty damn fine in comparison.

On the positive side (and I use this word in the most lenient of manners, and no I am not on ludes), the latest Army Men effort is not as incompetent as other Army Men games. It's far less buggy than any Army Men game ever. That's a relief. Army Men: Sarge's War is a straight-ahead shooter requiring the most basic of gaming tactics. You'll need to switch weapons, find ammo, search for flags, crouch, snipe, use cover, and you'll face increasingly stiff competition as the game progresses. It's not original, interesting, or in anyway engaging to the experienced gamer, but it might just make an inexperienced, six-year old rather happy. If he's blind, of course.

The weapon list is filled with the standard items. You start with the stinky pea-shooter Carbine and move onto the Assault Rifle, Ga-9 Sniper Rifle, and the heavy duty Shotgun. From there is gets even more fun and destructive. The Assault Rifle becomes an Auto Rifle, and you'll also get the bazooka, flame thrower, and the heavy machine gun. You collect weapons, ammo, special maps, and enemy flags as well.