Americans are idiots. No, seriously, I can't think of a better way to describe my fellow citizens. "Morons," "pinheads," "imbeciles," words that don't even come close. Certainly "buttheads" is a compliment in comparison. No, "idiots" is best -- most succinct, most direct, most, well, most. I can't emphasize that quite enough.

Okay, think about this for a moment here: Why would people who fared badly under one government want that government back? It's a simple question, really. But I never seem to get a straight answer from the Tea Partiers I know. "It isn't about politics!" is instead the reply, "It's about getting our country back!"

Fat chance, chumps.

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But chumps believe in fat chances and that's what the Republicans are counting on. They've now stooped to trotting out the memory of our beloved President "W" as they nudge us in the arm whispering "Oh, he wasn't so bad..." And there are just enough idiots out there to buy it .

Webster does his job admirably on this one -- "Idiot: A mentally deficient person with an intelligence quotient of less than 25%... lowest classification of mental deficiency, below imbecile and moron" (see, told ya). I mean what term better fits an unemployed guy voting for the clown who just helped ship his job off to Bangladesh other than "idiot"? Oh, I suppose there a few randier contenders out there. But this is a family column.

I really want to smack John Boehner's self-satisfied kisser when Mr. Buckeye Tropic assures the masses he's going to do everything possible to make the lot of us consider suicide. And I really want to smack the middle management types as they yelp in approval and wave their camo hats around in the air knowing not what they do.

Which makes them idiots.

But still it goes on -- Joe Wilson, Sharon Angle, Rand Paul -- whackos from a 1970s issue of National Lampoon; bizarre, otherworldly, the worst flashbacks I've ever had. And it's not stopping, the idiots gaining on the rest of us with their biblically-based double-knit junk ethics and free market economic voodoo, voodoo they've swallowed whole like zoo animals with apple cores or Happy Meal wrappers.

Actually, they say Happy Meals have at least a year's shelf life... and we'd better hope thats a lowball estimate cause we're gonna need 'em when society finally shuts down, which ought to happen any day now the way we're going, and the idiots will be literally running the asylum. Oh, we might live through it, but once those Happy Meals are gone I'd get used to SPAM if I were you. No, not your on e-mail, either. That's history now. We're talking processed meat, baby, and lots of it.

Perhaps one day our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren will look upon what we've wrought and run their three fingered hands through the sporadic hair growing from the back of their scaled necks and think of the word "idiot" as an almost transcendent one, right up there with "moron" and "imbecile" -- all of them transcending the final verdict.

Tom Aiken is a writer based in Austin, Texas. He has written for numerous publications including The Village Voice, Heavy Metal amd M'Zine (RIP). Mr. Aiken also has a spanking new blog -- AikenLand -- for publication of his more unpublishable work. (more...)