How do you know when this old house is the wrong house now? Seniors who are reluctant to move may refuse to leave.

One senior refused to leave her old neighborhood even though the neighborhood had changed. As she left for church one morning, she was shot in the heart by a stray bullet. Waiting to move until there’s a crisis means the senior loses control of the move. The senior who was shot was moved by others. They didn’t know what she had wanted to take with her; she lost some things which made her very sad.

Taking your senior on a decision-making journey helps them to see for themselves that things have changed. A senior realized a move was necessary when she needed more medical care. The house by the lake was too far away. She spent anxious moments waiting for first responders to arrive when she was in need.

A house is not a home, even though some seniors think they’re the same. One senior wanted to keep e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, including the china hutch. She measured her new apartment to show it would fit. However, the movers couldn’t get it through the front door. Perhaps it doesn’t fit after all. What else won’t “fit”? We move into a house and we make it a home.

What’s really important to your senior? It’s probably not the kitchen sink or the screen door. Important things, like photos and mementos, can go anywhere. These can go to the next housing phase. Senior won’t lose the important things: their history.

One family referred to the next phase of housing as a new “home”. Their senior dug in her heels and refused to do anything! The family called for my help. I asked the senior to define the word “home”. She described an early 20th century county old age home! I explained that the last of those had been torn down years ago. I offered her a different option; her own apartment with indoor mail box and a grounds crew to mow and shovel. She was willing to learn more.

How has your senior’s old neighborhood changed? Sometimes they need to see it for themselves. I took my Grandfather out to his front porch. Together we remembered the old neighborhood. He talked about the people who once lived there, the streetcar track, and the horses stabled at the end of the street. Each time I asked him, “Where are they now?” At the end he was silent for a moment. Then he said;”They’re all gone”. I offered that if all the people and horses had left, maybe it was OK for him to move on as well. “I like my front porch!” my Grandfather said emphatically. “You’re right; your next place MUST have a front porch!” I said just as emphatically. Then my grandfather pointed to the two trees in the front yard. “I planted those to shade the house”, he said. “They do a great job”, I told him. “100 years from now, they’ll stand as a testament to your efforts”.

Referring to changes as; the next phase of life, works better than to call it; giving up your home. One of my clients was forced to move when she was robbed at home, twice! Even so, she was very upset about leaving. I took her for lunch and a tour of a senior apartment building. She gazed in awe at the beautiful chandelier in the lobby. She did a double-take when a uniformed waiter asked for our luncheon order. After lunch, we toured several apartments. As we drove back to her house I asked her what she thought. “It looks so nice”, she said, “When can I move?”

Another senior had been a great gardener. He was unhappy about leaving his garden. I contacted a newly-constructed facility and asked about gardening plots. On our tour, they pointed out future space for residents’ gardens. The senior explained that the area had too much shade and offered another part of the yard. Since the plots were not yet set, the staff agreed to consider his idea. He would be their gardening consultant! He moved.

Seniors may see a change of housing as a loss of who they used to be; show them how they keep their interests, their memories and mementos.

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While standing in a checkout line, I struck up a conversation with an elder. He said his house was too big but wouldn’t move because he would need to downsize first. The elder said that he had decided not to clean out, instead, to leave it for his kids. Really! That’s an unwise choice for many reasons:

No one has to do downsizing alone. There are many small businesses that specialize in helping with this process. These companies have resources to take your donations to those who could make good use of them. Downsizing companies have personnel who evaluate items that could be sold to help your current expenses. Those donation tax letters could help your current finances. Downsizing companies can help with shipping items or arrange for delivery. Most of all they can be your support in this process.

Adult children’s lives are so busy that they cannot afford to take 6 months or more to go through everything. [Yes, that’s how long it can take!] Instead, the task gets jobbed out to haul-away companies and becomes landfill. Potentially valuable items may be dumped as junk because their value isn’t recognized. [I found a will in a teapot and wedding rings in a sugar bowl] You may have “stored” certain valuables in “special places” because you wanted to protect them. If your children don’t know where they are, they can’t retrieve them. [An elder in ICU warned me to take the knobs off his dresser drawers and lift the back panels. I found bank books and deeds] Your valuables could get buried in the landfill or taken by strangers. [The carpeting was taken up to prepare for sale and $900.00 in US savings bonds were found underneath] Is that where you want it to go?

When you review your belongings, you make decisions about who gets certain items. If you’re out of the picture, you have opened the door to disagreements. That can create family discord which can last for decades. [Two sibs were still at war over their father’s WWII cigarette lighter when I was referred to the family] Is that negative legacy what you want to bequeath to your children?

Former homes do get “cleaned out” by those who are out to take money, not to help you make money: squatters, and vandals. [I had to bear court costs and a 3 month procedure to evict squatters] I have even seen homes stripped of the copper plumbing! [The squatters took the piping but left the water running which rotted the floors] Unoccupied houses can be sanctuaries for crime, or drug dealing. [One vandalized house took 8 months to repair which cost tens of thousands of dollars] When no one is home, who sees the pipes freeze or the tree limb damage the roof? The outside still needs mowing, raking and shoveling. Those expenses don’t benefit you or your children. In some areas, one must arrange for security for the empty house as well. [I saw several homes re-vandalized. Those cost in repairs and security expenses] You can avoid all these issues if you are still living there. What is the legacy you would want for your home where you brought up your children?

Finally there are the emotional costs to your children if all your things are left for them to process. These are some of the ways adult children have expressed it:

“I lost so much time from my family”.“It cost me my job (or promotion)”.“I had to stop my education and it was harder to go back”.“I felt so alone, like my parents had abandoned me to this task”.“I felt overwhelmed”.“I developed high blood pressure”.“My sibs and I fought about sharing the work, it’s still hurts”.