Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Parenthood
is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured
out, it presents a new challenge as well as a new opportunity to impact our
children’s lives. Some see it as a burden; I choose to see it as something to
embrace.

I have a
teen daughter and a son who’s almost a year and a half old. Managing the
responsibility of raising these two, along with my wife, isn’t always easy. But
let’s just say I do a lot of on-the-job training. My daughter is from my former
marriage and my son is from my new marriage. You see, we have a blended family.
And this family is my life. Knowing that I have a new opportunity to live
happily-ever-after in a new relationship is something that I readily embrace.
And I’m willing to do all it takes to make this one last a lifetime!

You may have
heard the term “sibling rivalry” used to describe the relationship that often
develops between brothers and sisters. The reasons that cause the rivalry to
develop are many but one thing is for certain – it is a reality that many
families face.

The nature
of blended families is such that when you have stepbrothers and stepsisters,
the relationships can be worse than the traditional rivalry between siblings.
Kids with different dads or different moms can easily find themselves in
competition. It just comes with the territory.

What can we
do as parents to help to minimize the effects of this phenomenon when there is
a blended family? That’s the purpose of this post.

About 2
years ago, when my wife and I told our daughter that she had a baby brother on
the way, she was less than thrilled. You see, years before, I was a single dad.
It was just she and me living our lives and making the most of it. When I
started dating the person who would become my wife, my daughter felt that the
attention and affection that was always directed towards her would now be
redirected to someone else.

The dating
process that eventually led to marriage was one of the challenges that put to the
test the skills that I had developed as a parent. You can read more about this
in: The Story of My Blended Family. Our “blending” wasn’t something that
happened overnight. We had to put certain measures in place to ensure that each
person would be happy in this new union.

So almost a
year into the marriage, when my daughter learned that a baby was on the way,
she said to me, “All this time, I had your heart to myself. Now you got
married and your heart got divided in two – she got one half and I got the
other. So now that you’re having more children, my half is just gonna get
smaller and smaller.” I was dumbfounded. Just when I thought I had it all
figured out, I had a new challenge on my hands.

Since that
time, my wife and I have been so conscious of the fact that our daughter needs
the assurance that all will be fine, regardless of the number of children we
have. The important thing is that the love for her is unconditional.

Now our
daughter has a totally different outlook on her role in the family. She’s a big
sister and she has fully embraced that role. She lovingly plays her part in her
little brother’s growth and development. Sometimes it’s changing diapers; other
times it’s feeding; and other times it’s just playing with him because they
both have a great time. I know it’s just the beginning of their relationship
but I think they’re off to a good start. And as long as we as parents do our
job, they should grow closer as time goes on.

When blended
families come together, I believe that parents ought to help children learn
that their new brothers or sisters might have different moms or dads but they
are just as valued in the family. Sometimes the rivalry that develops in a
traditional family comes from parents displaying preferences for one child over
others. In a blended family, that can be disastrous. It’s not unusual for
marriages to breakup because the kids didn’t embrace their new siblings.

In my case,
the two siblings are 12 years apart and the younger one was born in the
marriage. But what about cases where older kids see their parents get married?
That can certainly be a challenge. Some kids have a hard enough time accepting
a new mom or dad. Dealing with a new sibling takes things to a different level.
They may have to share rooms. They may have to start doing things with another
person when they were used to having their space and doing their own thing.

Parents can
help their kids to navigate this unchartered territory by implementing a few
measures:

·Have a
talk. Before the families come together, it’s good to have a talk and let
each child know what’s happening. Listen to them express their concerns and
help them weigh the pros and cons of having someone else to call brother or
sister. Then assure them that they can always share their thoughts with you as
the family comes together.

·Give them
time. Adjusting to a new situation is part of the routine that kids learn.
They learn to meet new friend. They learn to adapt to new schools. So joining a
blended family is just another thing that they can get used to. In each
changing situation, they need time to adjust. Don’t be pushy and try to force
them into accepting the new relationship. Give them time and let them learn to
see that the new relationship with another sibling is a good thing.

·Plan “get
to know you” activities. Think of activities that kids like to do and bring
them together to enjoy some time getting to know each other. For younger kids,
it can be time at a place like Chuck E. Cheese’s. For older kids, it can be
going to the mall or the movies or maybe to an athletic event. Just let them
get to know each other while doing something they love.

·Always
listen. This is a very important point. Kids like to know that their cares
and concerns are of importance. So establish and open door policy where you
allow them to respectfully share their thoughts. This boosts their self esteem
and helps them adjust to the new situation.

I hope that
these tips are helpful as you deal with your own situation. They can work
wonders when implemented.

Parenting has
its challenges, no doubt. This is one area where parents can make a real
positive impact that lasts a lifetime. Blended families are special in their
own way. And kids who get a new brother or sister can learn to enjoy life in a
whole new way. It’s up to us to help create the environment that will help them
thrive in the new family.