have you considered flinging feces at it?

So, you might already know I’m not the most meditative person on the planet.

Or maybe you think that because I’m a yoga teacher I’m just All Zen, All the time.

Right. About that. Left unattended, I have the average attention span of an over caffeinated squirrel.

So in the pursuit of some mental calm, for scraps to mental peace and quiet, for maybe 3 or 4 thought free nano seconds, for the answers to life the universe and everything, or maybe just how to figure out my “it’s really so fucking complicated I can’t even” relationship status (get ON that one willya Facebook?), I have started meditating again.

I drink Kombucha. I have a freaking LOTUS FLOWER tattoo. Still want to smack.

I also found Mastin Kipp and his blog The Daily Love and just to be safe I’m reading his book. Also, I started journalling. I have done these things before, but in my usual, mostly distracted about some little thing or another way, I had dropped both a long while ago in favour of more worthy pursuits, such as:

Netflix

Ben and Jerry’s

Netflix with Ben and Jerry’s

Pokemon Go

Pokemon Go with Ben and Jerry’s

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, but NOT Pinterest (not sure why, maybe I’ll pop over there for just a second)

All of the above with Ben and Jerry’s

Googling stupid things (long story, but you really, really, REALLY don’t ever want to Google ‘asshole yoga’ looking for funny yoga teacher stories. Just don’t. Learn from my mistake. Did you just Google it even though I said not too? Are you sorry now? Don’t ever say I never warned you.

Looking at approximately 3 bazillion* (*estimated, rounded down to the nearest bazillion) memes, images and gifs about being distracted, having monkey mind, having too many thoughts, Hyperbole and a Half, hair products (completely unrelated, because… Squirrel!) Wait But Why, and only just at this moment noticing The Irony.

Lamenting that I am now out of Ben and Jerry’s

I also discovered how fun passive aggressively coping with frustration by live Tweeting could be. Like, say that time I didn’t show up 15 minutes early to my Discount Tire appointment.

So meditating. How hard could it be? I mean I used to belong to the is way cool Buddhist group that mediated for 2 freakin hours on Sundays. I semi regularly pop into a sensory deprivation float tank – Anicca Float Club, awesome place, and I can sit on my couch and do essentially absolutely nothing for hours (see Netflix, Ben and Jerry’s etc bullet points). Picking up meditation again should be a cake walk.

My monkey mind has apparently been doing one arm pushups while I was distracted with my other important pursuits. My monkey mind, because even my monkey mind has to be more special than anyone else’s, flings feces, screeches, grooms, and scratches in the most Inappropriate places and at the most Inappropriate times.

Ideal conditions – seen for approximately 3-4 nano seconds per week

On any given day my monkey mind is having a party with several friends you wouldn’t consider introducing to your mother, like ever, and my panic monster is running around the room flapping its arms and screaming at the monkeys to calm the fuck down. The rational thinker part is generally sitting crossed legged in the corner focused on my smart phone screen and considering the best Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat posts that would make me look the most clever, witty, intelligent and attractive.

And don’t forget my lofty journalling. I have made some profound insights in my beautiful hand made by a local artist with red and shiny gold bits on recycled paper.

Actual Profound Knowledge Quotes from my journal

my bed is super awesome!

well I sure fucked that up didn’t I?

hey, that think I fucked up? yep, did it again, but better this time

I think maybe I procrastinate more than the average bear

dammit* (*multiple entries also #dammit, because handwritten hash tagging is a thing, I think, maybe….)

people are not behaving, this is irritating

Party on Garth

Fuckity Fuck Fuckery with a side of Fuckstockings

My hair today, wtf?

meditation is irritating

why the fuck am I doing this to myself?

#dammit todo list!

developing good habits is a pain in the ass

Motherfucking Lord of Middle Aged women! What was I thinking?! ** (**personal fav)