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Today’s Column

Avoid being the third wheel

If I openly have sex with a couple who’s been together for four years, but I’m single, am I wrong for doing it?

Or, am I wrong for developing strong feelings for the man with us two females?

Unsure

It’s already not comfortably “right” for you to be the third party in a sexual relationship with a couple, since you already have doubts and are questioning it.

By “openly” having sex, I assume that you needn’t be sneaking around; this is something you’ve agreed to do.

Yet you’re more interested in the male partner, rather than the idea of a threesome.

It puts you in line for heartache, as you mention no promise or suggestion that he’s interested in you, other than for their sexual excitement as a couple.

Protect your feelings and your self-esteem. Walk away.

You’ll be the odd person out when they move on to other stimulants and people. And they will.

I feel that my boyfriend and I pretend everything is okay even though it’s not.

We argue frequently and these arguments are always about me.

I sometime feel like my boyfriend cheats on me.

I had a bad past based on my relationships and now I still feel I can't open up. But I love him, and he loves me.

Confused In South Africa

If your communication with your boyfriend is as limited as it is here with me, then things cannot be fine. He can have little idea of what you’re really thinking or feeling.

It’s natural to be somewhat wary because of poor past relationships. But it’s self-defeating to stay silent about whatever’s bothering you.

When you don’t open up and say what’s on your mind, just act distant or annoyed, he gets frustrated, you end up fighting, and nothing gets resolved.

A relationship can’t last long with that routine.

Whatever you need to say, speak up. If he’s cheating, you need to confront him. Better now than letting it drag on, and giving him the belief he can get away with it. That’s a set-up for serial cheating and repeated misery for you.

Deal with your present, rather than let your past haunt you.

The neighbour attached to our “semi” drives us nuts with her shrieking, often after midnight, but also at any hour.

No children are involved, it’s not domestic or elder abuse, doesn't sound as though it gets physical.

It seems directed at a visitor that she lets in, and then cannot get to leave. The other party is unheard.

She apparently was a victim of abuse in her youth (as has been shouted, outside, in awful detail).

We don't feel it's a matter for the police. While we have cordial relations, she seems somewhat unstable so we’ve kept our distance. What can we do to have our peace but not be sucked into her personal business?

Suffering the shared wall

Neighbour issues are always tough; especially if they’re severely disturbing yet don’t require police intervention. You could report the noise as a bylaw issue, but you’d strain the woman beyond her past issues and her “visitor” problems. Then life next door could become more intolerable.

You could ask, once, if she needs help when those “visits” occur, and say her screams worry you. She may then realize the impact. Or not.

If showing concern doesn’t change anything over a protracted time – say six months - a move may be the only solution, despite how difficult and uprooting that is.

My friend lies a lot, so obviously that it’s impossible not to catch him sometimes in impossible exaggerations, and boasts that simply can’t be true.

I like this guy in other ways, like when playing sports, but I don’t know what to do about his lying. It’s tiresome, and when we’re with others like my family, it’s embarrassing.

How do I tell him he doesn’t need to lie to me without hurting the friendship?

Can’t Believe Him

The friendship can’t last this way, so confronting him is the only way to hope for a change.

He has this habit ingrained, likely from past insecurities that caused him to seek attention this way, especially through the boasting.

Tell him you like him for himself, not for his wildly exaggerated stories. Say that obvious lies make him look foolish, not accomplished. And that lying ultimately pushes people away, while honesty brings people closer, and trusting.

Tip of the day:

When asked to participate in another couple’s sex life, it’s about them more than you.