Separation - down the bumpy road

There is no denying that separation and divorce and be a traumatic, heartbreaking and scary. When a marriage or relationship breaks down (especially when you have children) it can be hard to believe that life will ever be happy again. But it can be. We asked one mum from the Netmums Team to share her experiences and put together some tips and shared experiences from other Netmums who have traveled down the bumpy road and emerged feeling happier and stronger

The scary things might not turn out to be that scary after all

One of the scariest things about facing a separation (after the emotional shock has set in) is worrying about money. Will you and the children be able to stay in the house? How will you pay the bills? Will you manage? These thoughts can take over and keep you awake at night.

Emma says

When my husband told me he was leaving it was like being hit by a ton of bricks.The thing that scared me the most initially was money and making sure me and the kids were not destitute. The fear of having no roof over our heads and no money used to sometimes make me feel like I couldn't breathe

Facing and sorting out the practical things like finances is scary but it is also one of the thigns that you can tackle and solve in a practical way. Enlist some help and sort through everything meticulously. You will often feel like you are more in control and feel calmer once you make a start. Sorting out your finances is something you can tackle step by step and once you start it might turn out to not be as scary as you think.

Faye says

I asked my Dad to come over and we got out all the bills and the paperwork and just went through everything one by one. I felt so much better once I had all my monthly outgoings and bills sorted out and everything in place. At the end of it all I had very little left in the pot and had gone from living as a comfortably well off family to a single mum on a slim monthly allowance, but just knowing everything was in place and we were not going to starve or have to move made the fears slip away

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Suddenly being on your own, especially with children to look after can be daunting and often lonely. You will often have to face things on your own that you previously could ask your partner to do or share with you. For some these can be things that you just found scary - things such as driving on your own on long journeys or organising a holiday They can be huge things like nursing a really poorly child through the night with no one to help or share the worry or they can be (relatively) little things like seeing a spider and having no-one to come and remove it for you. But if you face your fears and do them anyway you often can end up feeling stronger and braver.

Sally says

I arranged to go on holiday with my sister and her family and was scared witless of driving me and the kids there on the three hour journey. I worked myself into a panic but then told myself I would be fine, took a few deep breaths and just did it. At the end of the journey I felt like I had climbed a mountain! Seems silly looking back but just doing it made me feel like I was strong and brave and could manage on my own

There will be times when you wish it could all go back to the way it was

Feeling sad that your relationship with your children's dad hasn't worked out (for whatever reason) is natural. However messy the break up and however far down the road you have traveled there may always be times when you wish it could have all worked out and you could have stayed together as a family. You might feel this even when you know that rationally it was the right thing to do to separate.

Rachel says

It really hit me when I went to my brother's wedding. I knew I was now happier and we were all in a better place but seeing them so happy and doing it all in the right order made me feel so sad and wish that I could have 'got it right' too

Friends will be there for you

The TV show theme tune is spot on. Family and friends will be there for you and can get you through the tough times; providing a massive safety net whilst you go through separation. Whilst you may find some friends you and your partner had as a couple may drift away, strong friends will come forward and be there for you. Sometimes you have to be brave and ask for help - but you will often be bowled over by the support friends are waiting to give. Sometimes new friends or friends that had been in the background step forward to help when you least expect.

They are there to get you through the bad times and to share the good times.

You may even find that by standing on your own two feet and being 'you' (rather than one half of a couple) you feel closer to your friends and happier as a result.

Nic says

My friends were fantastic. Sometimes it was the really big gestures like being there just to listen to me cry my heart out the first time I left the girls at their dad's new flat. Other times it was the smallest gestures full of kindness like when a friend took the bin bags out at the end of an evening at my house as she knew it was a job I hated. And with family again it was the big things like my mum coming to stay for the first few weeks I was on my own and the smaller things like a text from my (usually uncommunicative) brother telling me he loved me and the girls and would always be there for us that got me through

Finding a friend who has been through it too can save your sanity

Friends who have been through the same thing (or similar) can be a godsend. If you know a friend who has been through a separation or divorce then you can both talk, knowing the other will understand what you are going through. If you don't know any friends nearby who have been through separation, then finding people to talk to online - on sites such as Netmums - is a brilliant support too. One of the trickiest times as a single parent are weekends.You might feel you don't want to 'bother' married friends or take up their family time. Friends in the same situation (whether they live nearby or are there on-line) can get you through the loneliness and keep you sane.

Your children WILL be OK

If you believe all the things you read or hear in the media about children from 'broken families' you might convince yourself there is simply no hope for their future. According to the headlines, whatever you do they are destined to struggle at school, fail in their own relationships and then turn to a life of drink, drugs and crime. Our advice - don't read the articles - or if you do have a large pinch of salt handy. Be there for your children.Yes - there will be hard times, times when you feel like sobbing with them as they struggle to come to terms with the huge changes to their life and you would do anything to take away their pain and their worries. Fill their days with cuddles and love. Listen to them, play with them, shield them from the times you feel like wobbling and you will all be OK. They might even be happier. Children want to feel safe and loved. If you can get these two things in place just by being there for them then they can get through an awful lot.

I asked my daughters to write something to explain how they felt about family life, five years down the line. Their words are honest and Lauren's is hard for me to to read as a mum but they do explain it from child's point of view. Here is what they wrote (unedited)

Lauren (aged 10) wrote

Divorce is a horrible thing and it was so awful experiencing it all. I remember the day it happened off by heart. I could write it as a script. But all that was five years ago now and things have really worked out.

I see both my parents regularly throughout the week. My mum and dad both have new partners and we all get on with very well.

My mum is getting married soon and although it's another big step to take I am looking forward to it.

Divorce can be hard and divorce can be tough but remember your parents both love you even though they don't love each other anymore. They will make things OK. It's better to live in two happy homes than one unhappy one.

Mia (aged 8 wrote)

My mum and dad are both happy and they both love me. So I am happy.

You will be OK too

When a relationship breaks down and you face life as as single parent it can be hard to believe you will ever be happy again. But you can be and you will be.You will get through it and when you cope with what life throws at you along the way you will feel stronger and braver. You will probably even fall in love again. At the beginning of the bumpy road picturing a happy and bright future for you and your children is almost an impossibility. You might not believe me as you read this but you will get there and you and your chidren will be fine.