Remember how the last few seasons of The Sopranos seemed to be nothing but the characters sitting at home watching TV and us watching what they were watching on TV? Well, Sopranos creator David Chase does the same thing in his feature film debut, Not Fade Away, but replaces the mob with a 60s crappy cover band struggling with struggling

This is suppose to be a love letter to a time and a place and its music, and it looks and sounds nice and all, but it’s more like a plain ole letter that has a bunch of pointless paragraphs. But the movie isn’t a letter, it’s a movie, and it’s actually not much of anything, except a collection of scenes – scenes that fall into one of 3 categories –

3) the dorkable lead singer gets into a verbal spat with his dad James Gandolfini

The movie is basically like 1), then 2), then 3) then 1) then more 1) then maybe like 3) followed by two 2)s and then more 1) cause it makes perfect, but 3) thinks yer life is a giant waste so he needs to yell at you again, but maybe I can get some sympathy with 2), and when that’s done, it’s time to 1) 1) 1), cause if they don’t, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE IT?

Well, in the very end, it doesn’t matter, cause the movie has an ending that’s ever worser than the ending to The Sopranos. The lead singer’s sister appears out of nowhere on the streets of LA and says like America invented the bomb and rock n roll, but only one will last forever and then she dances or something and the movie ends. Dreadful ending. And all that came before it is whatever on rye why?

We siht you not, but touring Chernobyl is something we’ve semi-dreamed of doing. Sounds stoopid, but people do it, and now it’s the premise for a movie, and of course we had to see this movie, cause it’s like a semi-dream come true! Chernobyl is a nuclear power plant, and Pripyat is the adjacent city where the workers and their families lived. When disaster stuck, the people left Pripyat and never returned. It’s a ghost town permanently stuck in 80s USSRness. How would anyone NOT want to go and visit that?!?!? And how could this not make for a killer movie??!?!

The first half of Chernobyl Diaries, when our protagonists travel to and walk around Pripyat (obviously they didn’t actually film there, but they did a great job of make a faux version of the city!!!), is eggzactly what we were looking for in a Chernobyl movie – eeriness, mysteriousness, creepiness, and bordering on outright scarinessness. Then when siht goes wrong, and when the movie turns into a pseudo-horror fest, the movie goes wrong. Not exactly wrong in terribleness, but juss wrong to the just right that came before it. The scarinessness they jam in our faces isn’t all that scary. That’s part of the problem, cause empty Chernobyl/Pripyat itselfves is enuff scary that a movie about Chernobyl/Pripyat doesn’t require additional lame scares that aren’t scary

moral of the story – Chernobyl Diaries is a basic dumb horror movie with a killer premise with much promise. the promise is partly there, and the rest is a basic dumb horror movie. One lil thing that was hugely lacking was a bit more backstory of the disaster. Doubt the kind of people seeing this kind of movie are overly familiar with that kinda history. The backstory IS the story, not some tourist kids being stuck in a place where no one wants to be stuck

Since Ed Wood, Tim Burton has made one really really good Tim Burton movie (Sleepy Hollow) and one really really really good non-Tim Burton movie (Big Fish). The rest have been a waste of his talent and our time. The remakes have been especially poor, so one doesn’t expect much of a TV remake, right? Semi-wrong. His Dark Shadows might not exactly be a return to form, but it’s more of a return to Burton norm, and even with a not so hot third act, this is still a good sign, and a decent movie to boot. Johnny Depp & co sizzle with the material, and it’s a lot of fun, until the material sizzles out, and then it’s not as fun

btw, not a huge fan of blue eyes, but we want to make love to Bella Heathcote‘s baby blues. btw, Dark Shadows neeeded like 8812838266363636% more Bella Heathcote and her eyes!!!!!!!!!

It doesn’t take much time into Andrew Niccol‘s In Time to tell that it is gonna be a one giiiiiiiiant waste of time. Crying farking shame, cause this coulda been a better Logan’s Run (beautiful youth, with impending expiration dates), but instead it’s more like a stinkier and more boringing Matrix II & III (super well dressed peoples stuck in a bunch of super super super lame & cheesy sci-fi situations). URGH!!! How did the guy who gave us the grand Gattaca deliver us such a steaming piece of crappica? HOW?!??!?!

Here’s how – think of every pun and cliché that could be derived using the word ‘time’ and any other unit of time measurement and that’s the entire script for In Time. There’s not enough TIME to explain how stupid this movie is. But we do have just a few SECONDS to tell you that Cillian Murphy should probably take a TIME out from playing brooding baddies, and that TIME may be running out on Vincent Kartheiser playing weasley dudes that are eggzactly like the weasly dude he is on Mad Men, and that Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried might be nice to look at, but not so much to listen to, since they both seem to have graduated from a two MINUTE acting school. Let’s CALL IT A DAY and juss say that the only thing that STROKED OUR COCK CLOCK in the whole sha-bang-whimper was Seyfried’s ginger bob, duhvsz

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