Sports Illustrated Housewife

The famed Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue will be released next week. The much hyped cover will be announced Monday, specifically the lucky girl who has been chosen for it. Brooklyn Decker, currently costarring with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler in Just Go With It, as her crazy ass body in a bikini dominates every trailer, is said to be the most likely candidate. (Source)

So she looks good on a beach, that’s undeniable.

But can she do it on a carpet?

Look, I don’t like animal print as a rule. And especially not, like, so all over the place the way she’s doing it here. Having said that, I get it that that’s just my personal aesthetic. Maybe you all see animal print in this quantity and want to punch yourselves in the face from the great steeze. Sure.

It’s just…

She looks so old.

Brooklyn is 23. The animal print makes it closer to 33. And the Housewife of Some City hairstyle isn’t helping either. This is the problem with a fringe. Soon as you pull your hair back and it’s… you know…the whole Carrie Underwood tendrils thing framing the face, and you add a little volume in the crown and suddenly out come the gel nails and yoga pants with a Fendi bag driving a Range Rover.

Is this supposed to make her less intimidating? Like, don’t worry you old bitches, I know I’m so young and gorgeous and my breasts to waist to thigh to ass ratio is the new mathematical standard for perfect, but hey, don’t be afraid, since we go to the same hairdresser, I won’t steal your husband…?

I’m just saying if I looked like that, at 23, that’s not what I would have chosen for my first big movie premiere.

You should also know that she’s married to Andy Roddick and I hate Andy Roddick. Overrated.