Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Crack Ho Next Door

I stay in South City. South City is a complex mix of cultures and economic status. We also boast the Missouri Botanical Garden, Gringo Jones and Tower Grove Park. I'm sure there's more......but who gives a shit about the Home Depot?

Anyhoo, in my special section of 'hood there is a phenomenon that I refer to as.......the Crack Ho next door. It's a unique take on fashion that is not entirely unique to St. Louis, but I swear this shit has been perfected here. I see Crack Ho fashion all over the place! From the raggedy hair that needed a retouch (see ethnic hair care/relaxer) 6 months ago to the tore up clothing and that unforgettable "hooker walk". Let me be clear, I do not think these folks are actually Crack Ho's nor am I convinced that they are on their way to Hoing by being major Crack fiends. Crack isn't even a St. Louis drug - we're meth people mostly (not I, of course, Mr. DEA Agent reading ABB's blog under the protection of the Department of Homeland Security ****nervous smile***).

Nope.....these people have adopted a fashion statement that screams my ass is po' and I don't give a fuck no mo'!!

How To Achieve The "Crack Ho" Look

Wash...... but don't moisturize. Dry ashy cracked skin is a plus.

Over pluck your eyebrows and do not, I repeat do not put any other make-up on! Exception - Vaseline on the lips applied liberally for special occasions like 4am beer drinking festivals or burn-the-neighbor's-house-down barbeques.

Either don't do your hair or, if you do get it done, cover that shit up with a rag (preferably a scanky rag).

Walk around all day and night in your raggedy assed houseshoes (non-Southerners see slippers).

Eat bad and drink cheap - discolored skin produced by chronic malnutrition highlights the ash and gives you that "to' up ho'" look.

Have bad assed children - keep them dirty, illiterate and teach them to tear up other peoples shit.

Litter. When you finish a bag of chips, throw that shit on the ground where you stand! A foul assed neighborhood is a Crack Ho' paradise!

Perfect the art of walking....with....extreme....slowness... Where is your ass rushing to anyway? Put a scowl on your face, grab one of you dirty bad assed kids and roam bitch....roam!

Don't work and don't move from your perch on the porch. Exceptions - trips to the corner store to buy lotto tickets and faux attempts to discipline your raggedy assed children when they attempt to set the rehab up the street on fire.

ABB is concerned that the rising property values in South City will drive the Crack Ho' fashionistas out! Who will break the beer bottles in front of my home? Who will produce tore up children to torture me with screaming and fighting in the street?

What will become of the Crack Ho' next door? I actually think I'll miss her.....but her evil assed pyromaniac children can get the fuck out!