_________________The above has probably offended you. I have found it impossible to post to these forums without offending someone. I have preemptively said 25 hail seitans in the hope that I may appease the ppk gods and not be smote from these boards.

Well, had ultrasound and first pill today. They were able to see everything just fine with the abdomen ultrasound so at least I didn't have to get the wand up my hooha, don't know if that will be the case when it comes to the follow up. So far don't feel that much worse than I have the entire time I've been pregnant, discomfort in my belly as always, but just slightly different. I declined to see the ultrasound. I did want to see it out of curiosity but I thought it would make me sad, even though I don't want a kid and know I'm making the best decision, it's still not an easy decision to make and is still kind of sad.

Well....that was the most painful experience of my life. Got everything they listed you could possibly have on the info sheet they gave me. Extreme cramps, back pain, nausea, vomit, diarrhea. Bleeding surprisingly didn't even start for about an hour and a half or 2 hours after I took the pill, everything else was immediate. I'm really worried because I didn't actually bleed that much and hardly had any blood clots. Maybe only about 4-5 average sized ones, not huge at all like they told me to expect, and not a lot by any means, especially since I get more than that on the second day of my period every month. I'm worried now that I might have to get the surgical procedure because I can't imagine that everything has emptied out like it was supposed to, it really wasn't that much. I'm still wearing the same pad that I put on my underwear before I even took the pill and there's hardly anything on it at all, almost nothing, granted I spent most of the first 4 hours either on the toilet or in the shower, but I've been in bed since 11pm and not much has come out. The shower was the only way I could get any pain relief at all. I took both ibuprofen and codine and even with the shower it was almost more pain than I could bare, I seriously wanted to go to the ER, but the only thing that stopped me is that I don't have health insurance. I just kept falling asleep, it makes you tired but I also think I just kept passing out from pain. I fell asleep everywhere, in the shower, on the toilet, in bed, half sitting up. Tried meditating the pain away, it would work for a little, but wouldn't last long, until contractions would start again. I have a really high pain tolerance too. I guess my body just reacted really badly to the medication. I've been worried the whole time that it won't work because I've always been extremely healthy and strong and able to fight off illnesses really well. I was and am still afraid that even with all these medications that this fricking pregnancy is going to fight and hang on, and now with the fact that hardly any blood clots came out, I think that might actually be what's happening. At least if I do have to get the surgical one, which will be mortifying and scary for me, I don't have to pay for it. That was one of the questions I asked, was how much it will cost to get the surgical if the medication fails.

I have an emergency number that they gave me, or I might try to call on Monday when the office is actually open and just see what they think about the fact that I haven't had a lot of blood clots. I'm scheduled for my follow up on the 14th. I'll have to see what they say. Maybe since I haven't had a significant amount emptying out they might want me to come in earlier, I dont' know. My boyfriend called the emergency number last night to see if would be okay for me to take a bath instead of a shower (I kept running out of hot water because I would be in there for so long). I don't know if I should call them again about this or if there's any point in doing so since I couldn't do anything about it until the clinic opens again.

Sorry for any significant typos, words missing, not making sense, grammar wise. I'm still kind of out of it. Really tired. And now I have to try and work on something for one of my clients because apparently me saying that I can't work at all this weekend doesn't include fixing minor issues and since they have to send this shiitake out I've got to do this today.....at least it is mostly just a minor issue so it won't take long.

I will definitely be calling the office tomorrow and try to talk to a nurse to see what they think about the fact that there weren't a lot of blood clots and my bleeding now is already fairly moderate/light. One of the options that the info packets lists when the first attempt fails is to get another set of pills before they try and do the surgical. I don't know if they would bother with that, but if they think that's a good choice I will definitely ask for a stronger pain killer considering how my body reacted the first time around. I didn't expect it to be as painful as it was, it seems like for most people it seems that it's not normally like that.

Banana's, I'm just coming back to this thread, and I'm sorry to read that you're having a difficult experience with the medical procedure. If you need someone to chat with, do PM me. I hope you are well.

_________________Otters main method of attack is forceful hugging. ~amandabear

I could use a little help. For those of you who've had an abortion - what helped you recover emotionally?Any links, books you've read that helped would be very welcome.

My abortion was over a year ago, and while I've read that most women feel relief and carry on with life just fine - I'm not one of them. I am happily married and the pregnancy was a complete shock, but we did want the baby - we just could not have the baby. The sadness and regret I feel can be crippling some days. The counselling available to me where I live is extremely limited and some of it is kinda iffy at best. My doctor was only able to refer to me to something that was obviously very anti-abortion and religious based. I'll keep looking for professional help though.

I don't feel having an abortion was wrong - I just really would have liked to have been able to have the baby and we are both still very sad that we couldn't.

Any experiences from those of you who've had an abortion...... well I'd be very grateful. Anything that helped you?

_________________Usually I ignore comments because they make me want to curl up and ignore everything forever.... - jennyg2207

Sorry you are going through this jean. I've had an abortion, but under very different circumstances, as our relationship was (and almost a year later still is) very casual. I was extremely upset about it all, but also felt great relief, so I am not sure I would be of much help. I did talk to a psychologist afterwards though, and I would definitely recommend that. So keep looking. Even if you have to drive for an hour or two it may be worth it, because well, first of all, your mental health is important and second you may not even need that many sessions. I can't believe that your doctor can't be of more help! I can't really imagine how anti-abortion people will help women feel better after. their. abortion. It seems unethical to refer you to them. Have you tried mindfulness meditation? Are there mindfulness courses available where you live? I found a lot of comfort in thinking about how I couldn't have raised the child like I felt it would have deserved.

I could use a little help. For those of you who've had an abortion - what helped you recover emotionally?Any links, books you've read that helped would be very welcome.

My abortion was over a year ago, and while I've read that most women feel relief and carry on with life just fine - I'm not one of them. I am happily married and the pregnancy was a complete shock, but we did want the baby - we just could not have the baby. The sadness and regret I feel can be crippling some days. The counselling available to me where I live is extremely limited and some of it is kinda iffy at best. My doctor was only able to refer to me to something that was obviously very anti-abortion and religious based. I'll keep looking for professional help though.

I don't feel having an abortion was wrong - I just really would have liked to have been able to have the baby and we are both still very sad that we couldn't.

Any experiences from those of you who've had an abortion...... well I'd be very grateful. Anything that helped you?

I don't have any experiences to contribute, but I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think I read somewhere that you're in BC? You might try calling either the CARE line at Women's Hospital--they offer counselling among other things and I've had great experiences with them professionally: http://www.bcwomens.ca/Services/HealthS ... efault.htm. You could also try Option for Sexual Health. They have clinics all over BC and may also be able to refer you to appropriate services in your home community: https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/.

_________________"I'd rather have dried catshit! I'd rather have astroturf! I'd rather have an igloo!"~Isa

"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD

Hugs jean. It sounds to me, like perhaps you want to get support for a pregnancy loss or miscarriage, because for you this was a very wanted pregnancy, even if it wasn't one that you could carry to term.

Sending you many good thoughts.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

I'm so sorry you had to make this choice about a wanted pregnancy. While I have never been in your shoes myself, I've heard some great things about this organization's nonjudgmental support.https://exhaleprovoice.org/

Good luck! I hope this is helpful to you.

_________________"One time I meant to send a potential employer a resume, but I accidentally sent them a bucket of puke!

Thank you j-dub, I was not aware of the Care line. I've had a look at that link, I will call them on Monday-it couldn't hurt.

Yes Tofulish, you are correct, I do relate to the sadness women who could not have children or have had a pregnancy loss.

It's all very discombobulating for me, as I did not want children (or so I thought) when I was younger. The grief is of a sort that I am completely unfamiliar with, but it is very real and very painful. Not knowing how much I wanted a family of my own has me totally unprepared for how to cope with the fact that that will never be a reality for me.

Thanks everyone. *hugs. I'm sorry not to reply to each of you individually - I'm a bit wrung out, but I really appreciate the replies. I've had a lot of really triggering crepe happen this week and it really sucks to be back in the deep sadness about it all again.

_________________Usually I ignore comments because they make me want to curl up and ignore everything forever.... - jennyg2207

I found a lot of comfort in thinking about how I couldn't have raised the child like I felt it would have deserved.

Yes, this helps us too. We are grateful we had access to safe and legal abortion, and that we made the responsible choice. But yeah, it still feels pretty crummy, crummy that we didn't meet earlier, that through no fault of our own we didn't end up with the good mental health and finances to provide the life and home a child needs.

Thanks for your reply Shamini, although our circumstances were different , it's never an easy thing to do.

_________________Usually I ignore comments because they make me want to curl up and ignore everything forever.... - jennyg2207

I think my doctor suggested that particular organization because he believed I was struggling with guilt and was perhaps seeking forgiveness - I'm an atheist, but he may not have realized and made the wrong assumption. He did give me a referral for some drop in counseling with a - whoever is available that day clinician (not necessarily and quite unlikely to be an actual psychotherapist or psychologist) -but I've not had the best of luck with those sort of set ups.

I

_________________Usually I ignore comments because they make me want to curl up and ignore everything forever.... - jennyg2207

And today, I feel like a total princess for whining about my first world problems. There are women on this planet who would very much love to have had the choice of whether or not to have children. I had access to a safe and legal abortion that was paid for by my government . I did have to have an ultrasound, but I was not forced to look at the monitor. No health care professional I interacted with made me feel like crepe. We were treated very well actually. My husband was allowed to hold my hand throughout the entire procedure, and I was given very nice drugs on the day. I'm feeling quite grateful today to be honest. It would have been nice to have had children, but at least we were not forced to do so.

It's really shitty that abortion is still such a taboo subject and I was afraid to tell my boss what my 'minor surgery' was really about, and I did not know who was safe to discuss such things with. I sucks that we'll always be a bit sad about the whole thing, but jesus, I need to get a grip.

Sorry for multiple post. I think my head is so much clearer about the whole thing because I posted here. So thank you very much everyone - geez, it's good to have a place to post this sort of stuff without judgement. Thank you PPK.

Not to minimize how painful it was, but I'm finding room for a bit of gratitude amongst all the 'poor us'.

_________________Usually I ignore comments because they make me want to curl up and ignore everything forever.... - jennyg2207

i'm sorry jean. yes, it may be a first world problem of sorts. but the fact that other women may not have the options you have still doesn't make your loss any less. i hope you can find the support you need.

i'm sorry jean. yes, it may be a first world problem of sorts. but the fact that other women may not have the options you have still doesn't make your loss any less. i hope you can find the support you need.

Yes, this. Loss is loss, no matter who it happens to. Your voice/presence on these boards is so compassionate, don't think your problems & pain are no less validated than others.

_________________"Vegan to me means Oreos for breakfast." -Poopiebitch"tl;dr: I quit working to drink beer paid for with gift cards" erikasoyf*cker

Jean, there is so much about your experience similar to my own. After having an abortion (at a time we simply could not imagine a reasonable way to support a child) my partner and I began talking about wanting a child, and now that seems less and less likely to happen. I largely feel great about my decision, it was the right thing. But I also feel some loss, I feel - strangely shame, not because I think abortion is wrong at all, but because I do feel loss (rather than pure gratitude for the fact i could make this choice and i could access abortion care in the city where i lived. Had i become pregnant two months before, i would have needed to drive hours for an abortion.) and because there is still so much taboo around abortion that i am often unsure who i can truly feel safe talking with.

i will say, the first time i told a friend i had an abortion (someone who i knew would be safe to talk to) i felt amazing. Before that, only me, my partner and healthcare professionals knew. It just came up in conversation and was no big deal. I think, for me, that helped me transform it from a big secret to just a piece of my life. No idea if this makes sense.