how to communicate with my husband

hi everyone
i'm from india. as you all might have heard about indians that they have many many social inhibitions and are sexually suppressed. that is mostly true.
its been eight years in marriage. my problem is, like any other woman, i expect some affection from husband but he doesnt just understand it. i try to express it in a very calm way but he is taken aback everytime, feels offended. he says "forward me all your complaints at night after dinner, dont spoil my mood". am i exaggerating if i say he is not taking me seriously?
he has anxiety disorder, high blood pressure and recently high blood sugar level too. he is taking medications. all these problems started before he met me. with age his problems increase but surprisingly he blames me for everything. he says had i not bothered him with any of household problems he would have concentrated completely on his work and wouldnt get those health problems at all.
my husband wouldnt make eye contact, wouldnt smile, wouldnt even say 'bye' before leaving for work. we have austistic son and NO it is not because of our autistic son, husband was like this since i know him. Then i thought it takes time to accept a person in one's life. but i was wrong
we have an austistic 4yr old son and i'm taking care of him fulltime. that just drains me out physically and emotionally. but my husband acts as if nothing is wrong and just has lot of complaints about me. and he doesnt complain softly but he expresses in such a harsh way that it breaks my heart everytime. moreover, he wants me to ignore all that and just jump into bed with him and i should enjoy him too. that is just too hard for me. all this is making me more n more depressed and sad. and then he has more complaints. one big complain is that i should work and earn, which i should do in someplace else as the small town in which we live can offer no decent job for me. so he says i should leave my family and go to work. i should leave my helpless autistic 4yr old with my in-laws who live in even smaller town where there are no special schools/therapies available for autistics. This is just impossible for me. I want to work with my son and make him something, i want to try atleast.
sometimes i feel seperation is best for everyone. i could move to a good city with my son and work there and put my son in good special school. but seperation/divorce is not approved in indian societies especially in middle class families. maybe its not good for my autistic son too. i donno, i'm confused. i'm messed up, i feel miserable and i've no hope of happiness. having autistic son in life is difficult enough and my husband is making it worse.
maybe i should just follow my husband's advice which is act like nothing is wrong, i should laugh whenever he insults me, i should be pretty and always at his service or leave everyone and go someplace else to work n earn and visit him on weekends. thats it

Dear Indianmommy,
Not all Indian people are sexually repressed. Wasn't the KamaSutra written in your country? I know how you feel, but perhaps you could read some ancient texts & learn ways to get more from your relations with your husband & thereby make yourself sexually satisfied. This will go along way to giving you a fresh outlook & make you feel better. Orgasm is said to be natures miracle. A great tranquilizer. A good way to clear your head. Even if the orgasm is to be had alone & privately.
Your son is important. My opinion is to find out how other Indian wives deal with insults & fortify yourself knowing you are doing the best possible thing for your son.
Because of the society you find yourself born into, I would not recommend separation or divorce. Just because your son needs all of the possible help you can give him. If you choose to do otherwise, & know of many opportunities, we in the Relationship forum will respect your decision.
We are here to support you either way. Pamela

mommy, I'm sorry all this is happening to you. But I think the worst thing you could do - that you would regret forever - is doing what he wants. Leaving your child in a situation where he would not thrive, and moving somewhere else just to please this man who is a terrible husband and father is the worst thing.

Is your family supportive of you at all? Do you have a branch of the family that is progressive and would give you a helping hand?

Hi there and welcome. Oh my goodness, your post does touch me. I'm sorry it is difficult. I hear how hard you are trying and how much you just want a normal relationship from your words.

Things are hard when there are cultural norms that work against us. It sounds like that is part of what happens with your husband. Add on stubbornness to change and it becomes a situation that one can tolerate (he doesn't call you awful names or hit you) but Is just not as happy as it could be.

I also understand raising a special needs child. My son is not autistic but has sensory integration disorder and his early years were very difficult. I took on the brunt of his care. I was lucky that my husband was supportive and seemed to understand the internal pressure to help her child that a mother has but a dear friend of mine's husband was not supportive. it was hard on their marriage because her husband did not seem to understand the worry she had, the work it took, and that if she didn't do it, there could be consequences for their child. She was a tiger though fighting for her son and did what she needed to do anyway even without the help, support, etc. of her husband. They are still together and worked through some tense years.

There is a statistic about couples who raise a disabled or special needs child. The rate of separation is very high for exactly this reason--- that one becomes the caregiver and the other doesn't understand it. It really can take a toll.

So, I feel for you that you are doing such a good job and putting your heart and soul into helping your son and your husband makes comments about shipping him off to in laws and you going to get a job. It's just not worth it. I gave up my career to be with my son (and now sons) and would do with less materialistic things in my life forever to be able to give my son what he needed to advance past those difficult years. he now has and is 9, although new challenges crop up. I could work now but ironically, my husband is used to my being home and likes the benefits of that. When my child was younger, I did always say to my husband--- well, if I worked, you'd have half the care of our kids, half the care of our home, you'd have to cook sometimes, etc. My own husband liked that I take care of these things and I don't do it resentfully but understand that part of my role is to make life at home nice for my husband.

Now when your husband says--- can you tell me your complaints later to not spoil my mood . . . do you talk when he's asked to talk/ I would. And I would tell him that they aren't a 'list of complaints against HIM" but that you want you BOTH to be happy. That you want a loving relationship. You love him and you want to feel that he loves you through some affection. Make it about you both and not about just what he does wrong. Try to think of how you can talk about things without putting him on the defensive. Whenever I have these kinds of conversations with my husband, I try to work things and have a tone that is not accusing or all about him being wrong--- but about how the two of us can be happier together. And really, I want my husband to be happy with me too so I leave that line of discussion open as well. I try to listen and ask questions about how *I* am doing as well.

some things are deal breakers. If working outside the home currently due to your son is one of them (and I understand that as a mother of a child with challenges), then go with what your gut tells you. You can ask him for time until your son would be more in the school setting (do kids with autism go to school in your education system? In the states they do with special needs teachers) and you could start with some type of part time employment. You could look for something you could do from home--- internet based. Take a hobby you have making things and start selling the things you make. Just think outside of the box for what you could do to help bring in a little extra money but still be with your son. And one thing I always do is praise my husband and thank him for going to his job every day to support us financially. Big thanks to him for that! It's hard to have that kind of pressure on his shoulders and I let him know that I understand this.

If you feel that you are getting depressed---- consider talking to your doctor. You really could have mild depression that needs to be treated. I would try to exercise every day--- even if just for 15 minutes as it is a huge stress reliever.

By the way, I also had a rough time during my kids preschool years with my husband. It was hard on us. For us, it got significantly better as we came out of those years.

So, only you know if it is so bad that you must leave. Try to hold on and see if it can be worked out but some couples simply can't and being apart is best for all. I'm not sure when you'll reach that point or if you will. Only you will truly know. peace

Dear Indianmommy,
Not all Indian people are sexually repressed. Wasn't the KamaSutra written in your country? I know how you feel, but perhaps you could read some ancient texts & learn ways to get more from your relations with your husband & thereby make yourself sexually satisfied. This will go along way to giving you a fresh outlook & make you feel better. Orgasm is said to be natures miracle. A great tranquilizer. A good way to clear your head. Even if the orgasm is to be had alone & privately.
Your son is important. My opinion is to find out how other Indian wives deal with insults & fortify yourself knowing you are doing the best possible thing for your son.
Because of the society you find yourself born into, I would not recommend separation or divorce. Just because your son needs all of the possible help you can give him. If you choose to do otherwise, & know of many opportunities, we in the Relationship forum will respect your decision.
We are here to support you either way. Pamela

hi all
thanks for your posts
i do have family members who can support atleast for sometime if i decide to take my son n move to a better city. i can work and put my son in a good special school.
Actually my husband is bit different, he is not good at giving. he wants affection from family members, he wants to be pampered. sometimes he is rude to his mother too, but she feels happy because she thinks that implies closeness, to her he can say whatever he wants. he was last child in his family and being pampered by his family members.
And my mother says i should be strong and should neglect any negative thing my husband says because at the end everything is okay. he is taking care of us. My mother feels sorry for me sometimes but mostly she says he is doing his part well. Really, i should learn to expect less.
my problem is i dont feel close to him as it is supposed to be. I dont feel free to express myself to him. we, husband wife are not like friends but like roommates...

hi specialmom
i loved your reply. it is soo mature
i posted in autism forum too and urs was great reply
you always know what to say
yes i am depressed mildly ofcourse, when i realised it i'm trying to control it.
my son has no speech till now, he is always playful, surprisingly doesnt like routine. anything new he enjoys for few days because he thinks it is kind of new game, he grows out of it and doesnt want to do it anymore. at present he is obssessed with rhymes and children's songs. we feel great when he tries to say something. my husband feels great when our son showers him with affection.

I think a personal care person is a great helper. I don't know, in all honesty, if I'd trust the care of my child at such a vulnerable point to someone else. No one can guide my child like I can. But to help me out, I'm all for back up help. Perhaps a caregiver at home to help a few hours a week might be something useful. However, I don't know if that is so readily available in India. And it does cost money. Good to think of all the options, for sure!

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