Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Friendship - the one area of my life in which I really struggle. In jobs/ career/ work type stuff, I'm almost always successful. I'm smart, hardworking, and pretty good with people. I can get most any job I apply for and do well at most anything I decide to do. I'm a good wife - I have a happy marriage. I'm a good mother. My children know, above all, how much I love them. That's always been the most important thing to me. The rest is details.

But friendships. I haven't done very well at all with friendships. Let's examine the evidence. My earliest and longest friendship was with Heather. She and I became friends in kindergarten and stayed friends until about 5 years ago. Our whole families became friends, particularly our mothers. In fact, our mothers' involvement really clouded our friendship. Due to our mothers' participation, I was dubbed "the bad girl" and Heather was "the good girl". I think really just because I was the more boisterous, louder of the two. Heather was more inclined to sit quietly with a book. However, the label stuck. Throughout my life, Heather felt it was her job to tell me what to do, how to behave, that I was doing things wrong. Left to my own devices, I would stray from "the right path", so Heather and my mother banded together to correct me, guide me, manipulate me even, in order to make me do as they saw fit. My mother constantly compared me unfavorably to Heather. (Yep - I'm an only child and I wasn't my mother's favorite. How sad is that?) Yet, if you asked Heather about our friendship, she would say that I was a spoiled little princess who always had to have my way. She says that I'm stubborn and opinionated and think that I'm perfect. She would tell you about all the times when we were in middle school and I would get mad at her "for no reason" and stop talking to her. She calls this controlling behavior. I had always dismissed the "spoiled little princess" part, because I just couldn't see it. I didn't think I was giving myself a break - god knows my childhood was not sunshine and roses. But I recently read a book that was a real eye-opener. It was a total chick-lit book called Something Borrowed. But as soon as I started reading it, I realized, "Heather would totally think I was just like the Darcy character." Not quite as bad as the Darcy character, given that I never stole a boyfriend from Heather, but I could see some similarities between myself and the selfish, entitled best friend character. I was raised the only child of an older couple who desperately wanted children. Yes, I was a little spoiled. Yes, I was used to being offered the best of things. I can see that now. But at the same time, my mother was constantly tearing me down. Things that I tried to achieve, she would tell me she didn't think I could do it. (Later, she would say that she was using reverse psychology on me.) I eventually learned to hide the things that mattered the most to me. And to hide my feelings. All those times Heather thought I was mad "for no reason"? Nope, I was hurt. But I was too scared to let that show. So I just shut down. Anytime I did bring up my feelings to either one of them, I was dismissed. That wasn't what they meant, they were just kidding, oh who cares? Nothing I said ever made them take me seriously. They never cared if what they said or did hurt my feelings. Eventually, I gave up. I realized that I needed to live my own life, without my mother or Heather telling me how to live.But the pattern of behavior was set. And I carried it into other friendships. I get my feelings hurt too easily. And I shut down. I have a hard time telling someone that they hurt my feelings. I have a hard time telling a friend that they've made me angry. But I'm trying. Some friendships have survived it, like my friendship with Kelly, my closest friend from college. And I know that friendships end. People grow apart. Another friend really didn't like Rock and didn't like the direction in which my life was going, so we grew apart. I stopped sharing good news with her, because she wasn't happy for me. Eventually, we completely stopped talking. But it feels childish to get mad and stop talking to someone over something petty. So I'm not doing that anymore. Week before last, I reconnected with a friend to whom I had done just that. And I started by apologizing. We met last week for gelato and talked for an hour or so. And I felt like I was holding something precious in my hand, something fragile. Friendship, repaired.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Wow, you guys are awesome! Welcome to all the new folks and thanks for the great stories. You all really made my morning! Which, coming off a weekend with not one, but two sick children, could use some help. Damn you, July, END ALREADY!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Well, the verdict is in and it is....Not Pregnant. Aunt Flo was just running 6 days behind schedule. I admit, I'm a little disappointed. But not terribly surprised. July has been a crap month. I'd like to return it, please.

So! *brisk clap* On to something more fun! Let's have a contest! I won Alice's Pay it Forward contest and she sent me a lovely gift, which I promise to post pictures of next week. So I will host a Pay it Forward contest. It will be open from now until Monday, August 4th, because everybody's blogs have seemed really slow lately. In order to qualify, leave a comment and tell me something funny that has happened to you recently. I need some help getting through the rest of July. Winner will be chosen randomly, of course.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Today is Day 32 and no period.I woke up feeling nauseous.I puked in the sink while getting ready for work.Brushing my teeth makes me gag.At lunch, the smell of the restaurant was so strong I almost had to leave, but when I said something about it to my friend, she looked at me like I was nuts.My chest is so sore it hurts to breathe.

Monday, July 21, 2008

First things first, we saw The Dark Knight on Friday night. It is awesome. Great story, amazing acting. Yes, Heath Ledger will be nominated for an Oscar and will probably win. And he will deserve it. It is such a shame that he's gone, because he was really maturing as an actor and making such interesting choices in the roles he chose, that it would have been really interesting to watch his career progress.

When we left the movies Friday night, we picked up Wildman at Rock's dad's house, and about five miles up the road, hit a deer. Were we driving our huge, gas guzzling, virtually indestructible, largest-SUV-ever-made Ford Excursion that the (actually very small) deer would have bounced right off of with just barely a scratch? WHY NO, WE WERE NOT. In an effort to save money lately, we have been driving my car more. The Deermobile, er, Honda Civic. This is the third deer, y'all. I think I'll just mount some antlers on it. They win.

After that, it was a multi-religion weekend for us! We kicked off Saturday morning with the Mormons. One of our neighbors is a Mormon and he hosted a Pioneer Day thing for some of his church members. It started very early (9am), and was fairly interactive. There were a couple of stations to learn how the pioneers did things. The best was on land navigation, in which I finally learned how to read a compass, although the instructor and Rock both kept taking it out of my hand, and neither could figure out that my main problem in reading it was that I was trying to read a compass while facing East into the rising sun. (The fact that neither of them drew back a nub after reaching for that compass one last time should probably qualify as a miracle.)

Last night, Supergirl went to Vacation Bible School at the local Baptist Church. She had a great time, but cried at the beginning because she didn't want to stay by herself. Rock's mother ended up staying with her.

For the record, we are neither Mormon nor Baptist. Apparently, we're mutts who will go to anyone who will feed us.

While I don't have any real news on this front, I might soon. My period is couple days late. My boobs are so sore - scratch that - my whole chest is so sore that it aches all the way back to my shoulder blades. I've been nauseous all morning and I felt pretty rough all day yesterday. I'm going to give it a few more days and then take a pregnancy test.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So, this was fun the last time we did it. Things that are awesome and not awesome in my life right now:

Awesome - the PiF gifts I received from Alice last week. Such cute stuff. Not awesome - the fact that although I have taken pictures, I have not had them developed or uploaded so that I can share them here. I suck.Awesome - when I do get the pics uploaded, we will be having a PiF contest here! Fun!

Awesome - I have Friday afternoon off and all I'm doing is getting my teeth cleaned! After that, we're going to the movies and out to dinner. Yay, date night!Awesome - the new Batman movie opens this weekend! Not awesome - we had invited some friends to go to the movies with us, but they are at the beach. Oh well, next time!Not awesome - IT IS ONLY WEDNESDAY! (Anyone else remember the Carlin skit about how TGIF is a terrible name for a bar because "that won't make people drink. If you want to make people drink, name it HSIOW - Holy Shit, It's Only Wednesday!" I swear, I think of that every week.)

Not awesome - my ear infections are still not gone. The pressure in my left ear builds up constantly and I have to open my mouth wide and make my ear pop. It's like living on an airplane. My co-workers must think I have a nervous tick, making that weird face all the time. Right, like they didn't already know I was crazy? Let's be real.

Why yes, I will talk about my mother in this post. However did you guess? (Only briefly, I promise.)Thank you, Fiona Picklebottom for your wonderful advice on my last post. Your reply was great. On further consideration, though, I decided not to use it. The main reason is that I didn't want to leave him with the impression that I would have gone to lunch with him if it weren't for my husband. Or his wife. Because in truth, it has nothing to do with either of them. Remember that old saying, "The opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference."? Well, it's true. That's probably news to exactly no one. But, seriously, I look at his picture online and read his emails, and I just feel nothing. I don't think I would have lunch with him even if I were single. Not only have I never been one to stay friends with an ex, I've never been one to get back together with an ex. Once an ex, always an ex, and only an ex. Apparently, I am a cold hearted bitch. I ended up saying, "As far as lunch, thank you, but no. It's been fun catching up, but let's leave it at that." He did say one thing that made me laugh, though. He asked how my parents were and I replied that I don't speak to my mom. I said, "You know most of the backstory there." He wrote back and said "I am shocked that you don't talk your mom anymore (oh sorry, was that too sarcastic after not talking to you for 8 years?)" Funny, but it also make me feel validated. It's not all in my head. Someone who knew me a long time ago understands why I don't talk to my mom. And with that, we'll leave the mother subject. Put down the noose. (Tell me you all remember Airplane!)So Tessie is getting a divorce, and "Constance" was talking the other day about a guy she considered a backup if something happened to her husband or if things didn't work out. I was kinda thinking about those things on the way home and suddenly I remembered! I had a backup plan when Rock and I started dating! If things hadn't worked out, I had a plan in mind of what I was going to do. Now, to set the scene, you have to know that I was single, had a cat, was living in an apartment and had just barely eked into a corporate job that I wasn't sure I liked. (Let's just say that my job performance right out of college was slightly less than stellar.) When Rock and I first started dating, we were pretty casual, meaning that we kept dating other people as well. I went out with a few other guys, but honestly, no one even came close. I would have more fun standing in my apartment kitchen talking to Rock than I would have going out on a date with any other guy. (Aside - we had to stand in the kitchen and talk because Rock was allergic to my cat and could not sit on the furniture. Yes, he came to my apartment and visited me for a year and a half even though he was allergic to my cat.) So! My backup plan was that if things didn't work out with Rock, I would move to New York (with no contacts), try to become an actress (with virtually no acting experience), and become a lesbian (with even less experience). The combination of which would probably have resulted in me being homeless in New York and possibly drug addicted, but I bet I would be skinny.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I haven't had too many problems being on Facebook. The people who've asked to be my friends are people I knew in college. Lately, there've been a few I wasn't all that friendly with, but I figured what the hell, it's online friendship, right? I'm not really rude enough to turn down a friend request from someone I at least knew in college. And was friends with at least superficially. But then, last week, my college boyfriend sent me an email and friend request on Facebook. Nice enough guy, dated him for two years, right before Rock. We were all but engaged when I broke up with him. (He had bought a ring and everything - I never saw it.) Messy breakup - he was distraught. At my door crying at 7 am while I got ready for work a couple of mornings, pounding on my door in the middle of the night (I wasn't there - I was in Rock's room!), calling me crying in the middle of the night. Finally, it tapered off. At the time, we said we'd stay friends. But we didn't. I've never stayed friends with an ex. Sometimes, there was a reason (ie, he was an asshole), sometimes there wasn't (as in this case, not an asshole, just didn't stay friends). I just never do - it's not my style.

So this all happened literally 10 years ago. I have only seen this guy two or three times since then. Now he pops back up and wants to be friends. I wrote back and did the catch up thing. He and his wife are expecting their first child. I was congratulatory, but cool. But he doesn't want to be just online friends. He still lives in NC and is working in Raleigh for a while and says, "If it wouldn't be too weird, maybe we could get some lunch one day."

I'm sure there's a polite way to say, "Look, I really don't want to be friends with you, now, after 10 years." I just have to find it.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

So! I've been out sick the last two days. Tuesday, as I wallowed in bed and wished for death, Rock took Wildman to the pediatrician. He has an ear infection. This is his third total and second in six weeks. She (the pediatrician) is starting to think we might need to put tubes in his ears. Wednesday, when I woke up feeling almost as bad as I did on Tuesday with the addition of the fact that my left ear was stopped up, Rock put his foot down and said, "Not only are you not going to work, you're going to the doctor." After writhing around in bed for a while and coming to the conclusion that I would be willing to take a rat turd in order to get well, I finally went to the doctor. So...I have ear infections in BOTH ears. And I'm on antibiotics. Yeast infection, here I come.

On to happier topics! There was great interest (read: two requests!) for more info on homeschooling based on my last post. So let's talk homeschooling. Which is a bit of a misnomer in our case. Supergirl is only five, people, we're only talking kindergarten. But we have been teaching her at home for the past year or so. We decided to try this because she's pretty hyper. We are concerned that if we send her to public school she will be diagnosed as ADHD and prescribed Ritalin. Not that there's anything wrong with ADHD or Ritalin, we just don't feel it's the right course of action in her case. See, I was hyper as a child. Supergirl is no more hyper than I was at her age. What I want is for her to learn to control her own behavior. The way I did. So we try to work with her and help her learn what behavior is appropriate and what is not. And part of that is teaching her at home. Most of our focus has been on reading. We've worked on writing letters, and she can write the alphabet really well. Then, we've taken rhyming words and taught her sets of words. (ex. All, small, mall, wall, etc) We also bought a box of flash cards that had words on one side and a sentence with the word in it on the other side. We've worked with her on spelling and pronouncing each word. We figure she's got about a 400 word vocabulary that she can spell and read. So in measurable results, the homeschooling experiment is going really well. However, Supergirl's attitude is terrible. She hates going over her words and will not do it willingly. That is why last weekend was such a fight. Rock had reminded her every day to go over her words, and she hadn't. He had used it as a test, to see if she would go over them on her own. So on an attitude level, the homeschooling experiment is failing dismally. Honestly, we haven't decided if we're going to continue or if we're going to find a local school that we like and send her there.

About Me

Thirty-gulp-nine year old wife and mother. Though I will talk about my family from time to time, this will not be a mommy blog.
Cast of Characters:
Rock - husband
Supergirl - 13 year old daughter
Wildman - 9 year old son
Bear - 2 year old son