Incensed by "taxation without representation," English colonists declare independence from Britain and wage a defensive war until the French intervention and British exasperation produce a British surrender.

After years of sectional rivalry between slave and free states, eleven southern states secede from the United States. President Lincoln launches a bloody war to conquer the South and compell it to remain part of the Union. The slaves are incidentally freed in the process.

A paranoid America believes the USSR is secretly controlling all communists throughout the world. When two-bit North Korean dictator Kim Il Sung invades America's puppet state in South Korea, America decides the Soviets must have planned it and mounts a counter-invasion. When Douglas McArthur moves US troops to close to China's border, the Chinese get worried and drive the Americans back to the original border of South Korea. The war never officially ends, and the American troops are still there today.

When the French abandon Indochina, America sends "advisors" to foster a democratic nation in Vietnam. Chinese-backed communists rise up, and the "advisors" grow into an army with guns and tanks and napalm. But when "advisors" start coming home in pine boxes, Americans get mad and start protesting. Finally, they get so mad that they resort to electing Republicans to public office until the "advisors" are recalled. Americans are still mad though, so they treat the "advisors" like crap.

An unpredictable Iraqi dictator invades a tiny speck of a nation that contains 1/5 of the world's oil. Americans like to drive big cars, and do not wish to stop, so they invade and kick said dictator's troops out, all at the tiny (but stinking rich) speck of a nation's expense. Every car-owning American can now breathe free once more!

President Bush's approval ratings are falling due to a lackluster economy. Knowing that short, victorious wars are both lucrative and popular, Bush starts a second war with Iraq. Some semblance of a pretense is needed, so "weapons of mass destruction" will have to suffice. But at least every car-lacking Iraqi can now breathe free!