My FI's sister is getting married over Labor Day weekend in DC (I'm a BM). Her local friends are throwing her a bachelorette party this weekend. It was kind of last minute and I can't travel for it, so I will not be attending. But her friend emailed us all and said if we'd like to send presents, to send them to her address. I guess they are doing like a lingerie party or something.

So, do I need to send a gift? I wasn't planning on it, but the email threw me for a loop. I feel very uncomfortable picking out lingerie for her (we're not that close!) and I don't want to send a gift card because, frankly, we're already spending a LOT of money for this wedding. Any thoughts?

I've never heard of gifts for a bachelorette...one person brought a "joke gift" to mine, and we all wore some beads, but that was about it. If you want to send something, I'd just send a card, telling her you wish you could be there and are looking forward to seeing the pictures!

You girls are lucky. I have a friend, whom I'm not very close with anymore (go figure) who insisted that her MOH tell all the girls who are coming to her b-party to bring a gift. We had to bring some sort of sexy panty, etc. It was a little annoying, seeing as we paid to go to NYC for the night.

Got to agree with the majority here. I have never brought a gift to a batchelorette party. Have contributed to the cost of party and once bought an enormous giant fake diamond ring as a gag gift but nver a real gift. Can you ask her friend what she needs or what others are getting (so you will not duplicate their gifts of course)? It is your future SIL so I would think you do have to send something. My thinking on this is if you think that not giving a gift now is something that will be remembered for the next 20 years better spend the money and send the gift now.

You girls are lucky. I have a friend, whom I'm not very close with anymore (go figure) who insisted that her MOH tell all the girls who are coming to her b-party to bring a gift. We had to bring some sort of sexy panty, etc. It was a little annoying, seeing as we paid to go to NYC for the night.Posted by Peonie

I still wouldn't do it! No one can make you give a gift. (Not saying you are wrong, just saying I would still show up without a gift anyway.) I know sometimes people get gag gifts because they want to, but that should be the extent of it, in my opinion. No one should feel obligated.

What if you sent an email to the organizer (I'm assuming that's who sent you this email?) and asked if she would like you to contribute toward taking the bride out that night? Something like "I'm so sorry I won't be able to join the festivities, but I still would like to help you all treat her, can I send you a check for $x?

That MIGHT head off the gift thing, because then they'll know you contributed to the night even though you weren't there. BUT think carefully about the amount of money, because $25 might be alot more than necessary.... given if there are 10 of you there, you would only have to pay about $5 extra to pay for a $50 bride's bill and not everywhere is $50 per person! So, hmmmm... you can't offer to send $5 or $10 in the mail, that sounds cheap, so I guess perhaps you're back to square one. (aren't you glad I talked myself out of my advice. lol?) That's me, helpful hannah!

I think I'd leave it with sending a card - "wish I could be there, but I hope you have fun, I'll see you at the wedding, I can't wait to help you celebrate your wedding to (hisname)! in the fall!"

If you want, you could send a card and tell the bride to have a great time, and you'll see her at the wedding! I wouldn't get a gift, I think that's odd. I've never heard of anything but gag gifts at a bachelorette party.

I find it odd that the friend sent an e-mail saying that if anyone would want to send gifts to send them to her house. Um? Gifts? For what? I think it's a faux pas and presumptuous to even suggest that anyone "should" get a gift.

I was invited to a bachelorette party for a very close friend of mine, but I couldn't attend. If the organizer sent out an e-mail suggesting where to send gifts, etc., I'd be appalled and offended.

Thanks for all the advice! I don't think I could even get a present in the mail in time for this weekend anyway, so I'll just send her a card. I thought it was a bit weird too, so this makes me feel better.

I'm late to this party, no pun intended, but I have to agree. So what if you are the only one not giving a bp gift? Really, I know what you're getting at, but you're not attending, and bachelorette parties are not traditionally gift giving events, anyway. I don't think anyone will notice and, if they do, they shouldn't care if you give a gift. Definitely don't give it another worry.

I have never heard of sending a gift to a bachelorette party - especially if you're not going to be there. Isn't the fun of gag gifts being there when it's opened? Why send a gag gift in the mail?

I actually think the panty idea is kind fun, but only if:a) It somehow goes with the theme of the evening (it would be weird if your bachelorette were, say, a Red Sox game).b) It's totally optional.c) People weren't expected to spend more than, like, $10/pair. Because, quite honestly, whatever you are doing with panties at a bachelorette party, I'm not going to want to wear them later, so they should be as cheap as possible.

I have never heard of sending a gift to the bachelorette party. that is weird. and I disagree with those saying 'well, she will be your sil so you should so that she isnt't mad at you'. ummm, how about we dont cater to the greedy sil. if the sil gets mad that she did not get her a bach party gift, then she is rude and selfish and who cares what she thinks anyways. why cater to people likethat? if she isnt expecting gifts and the moh is just trying to make people bring gifts, then the sil shouldnt care anyhow and it wouldnt be an issue.

I have to echo others who said this is a very odd request. If I got sexy lingerie in the mail from my FSIL I would feel very strange! To me, the whole point of a bachelorette party is that "in-the-moment" nature of it! I think bachelorette mail would be contrary to the whole idea. Those kind of gag gifts need to be opened in the moment (like someone else said).

Re: bp gifts in general, my very closest friends gave me some funny gifts, but only after everyone else had left and there were just a few of us left.

Things are getting out of hand now! So many people EXPECT gifts at engagement parties, showers, the wedding, and now bach parties? Where does it end! Enough is enough already. I am not emptying my wallet because 2 people decide to make their love legal. Some people are sickening.

Next thing you know people will be throwing "We're home from the honeymoon" parties and including a registry. ugh. Then of course comes the baby showers after the weddings and the people who have showers for their second plus kid really irk me...

Even if there isn't a separate shower, I don't think that's a good excuse to make your bachelorette party a gift-giving event.If you don't have a shower, you don't have one. You don't get to tack it onto another party later on so that you make up on gifts. Ick.

Next thing you know people will be throwing "We're home from the honeymoon" parties and including a registry. ugh. Then of course comes the baby showers after the weddings and the people who have showers for their second plus kid really irk me...Posted by Missy509

I was a BM for a friend last year (whom I *love*). Being a BM can be a lot of work and it was stressful to throw the shower and all the other associated things. After the wedding, another BM suggested that we shoudl all go to the Bride's house and decorate it for when they got back from the honeymoon. Sweet idea, but I remember thinking "are you serious? I thought we were done!"

Baby showers for second babies (and on) annoy me too... but I know a lot people who disagree with me. I kind of hate showers in general. I know they are traditional, but I went to friend's where literally we watched her open presents for 1.5 hrs! And they only got halfway through! They stopped to give us a break to eat cake, so I left! Luckily she had opened my gift in the first half. Seriously, it was the most boring thing I've ever been to.

In Response to Re: Do I have to get a bachelorette party gift? : I was a BM for a friend last year (whom I *love*). Being a BM can be a lot of work and it was stressful to throw the shower and all the other associated things. After the wedding, another BM suggested that we shoudl all go to the Bride's house and decorate it for when they got back from the honeymoon. Sweet idea, but I remember thinking "are you serious? I thought we were done!" Baby showers for second babies (and on) annoy me too... but I know a lot people who disagree with me. I kind of hate showers in general. I know they are traditional, but I went to friend's where literally we watched her open presents for 1.5 hrs! And they only got halfway through! They stopped to give us a break to eat cake, so I left! Luckily she had opened my gift in the first half. Seriously, it was the most boring thing I've ever been to.Posted by trex509

I hate showers, too. They're boring for the guests, I get it. I have to tell you, though, when people started walking out and going home in the middle of my shower as my fiance and I were opening the gifts. That hurt a lot.

I get that they are boring. I get they don't care to look at other people's gifts. I get it all. But, you came to be with us, right? My shower was not very long... 3 hours, which included heavy appetizers, lunch, alcohol galore, desserts, music. It was fun, if I do say so myself. I felt that once they had what they wanted (food and drink and their own gift opened), they left. In the middle of everything. Trust me, none of them leaving when unnoticed by me or my fiance. We were saddened.

One of those people who left early was one of my BM's, too. She gave some excuse, but really? I don't ask my BM's for anything (I'm honest here). It hurt that she left early.