Nerdiquette 101

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

In keeping with our goal of offering techniques to folks to
get out of situations where they are being “creeped on,” and with Halloween
coming up and the chance for costumes hiding identities, we wanted to offer
some suggestions on extricating yourself from uncomfortable situations.

Remember that being in this situation is not your
fault. You did not do anything wrong, it is the person who is making you
uncomfortable that is to blame.

Some options that can help you escape are: a trip to the
bathroom, getting a drink, or by letting the person know you want to go talk to
a friend you just saw.

If the person follows you to the bathroom, getting a drink,
etc, it may be time to resort to these more direct suggestions.

Other suggestions:

Talk to them - If someone's conversation makes you
uncomfortable, tell them. By not telling them, you're attempting to make them
feel comfortable and you need to ask yourself this: why? Why should you remain uncomfortable just to
avoid awkwardness? The situation
is already awkward, and telling someone you're uncomfortable
isn't cause for anger or further dispute. "We've been talking for a while,
and I really want to see some other people here." The key is to be assertive without being mean.

“Let me stop you there.” One of the techniques I’ve seen
work very well is to hold up your hand making a stopping motion and say “Let me
stop you there,” when confronted with a topic that makes you
uncomfortable. You can follow that with "I am uncomfortable discussing X Topic, can we talk about the weather, the
football game, insert new topic here.”
Most people are understanding and will switch topics.

Signals – Many women (and men) may feel uncomfortable in
situations where they find themselves alone.
Because of this, feel free to take a buddy with you. You can pre-arrange a signal with your
friend, a wave, a look at a watch, or something that signals them to come help
you out. Your buddy can then give you an
opportunity to leave.

Last thought, never be afraid to walk away. If someone is making you uncomfortable and
none of these tactics have worked, say thank you for their time and walk
away. Leave the space. Remember you did nothing wrong and it is okay
to leave a situation that makes you uncomfortable.

Monday, May 20, 2013

With several fairly large conventions heading into the
Memorial Weekend and weekends after, I thought this would be a good time to
remind people that the concept of “Cosplay /= Consent” goes for Costumers at
non-anime conventions as well.

At Nerdiquette 101, we firmly believe that most people being
“that guy” or "that girl" do not understand they are making others uncomfortable, so here’s a
quick list of Dos & Don’ts for interacting with costumers at a con.

Dos

Do ask to take pictures.

Do ask costumers about their work.

Do compliment them on their work

Do ask costumers about the character.

Don’ts

Don’t monopolize the costumer. Make sure others have the chance to talk or
take pictures.

Don’t comment negatively or criticize. (About the person, about the character, or
about the costume.)

Don’t take pictures of butts, breasts or other areas!!!!

Don’t touch the costume/costumer without permission. Many costumes take hours and several hundred
dollars to create.

Don’t interrupt a professional photo shoot w/o permission.

The bottom line: follow the Will Wheaton rule: Don’t be a dick!

Also, if you are going to be at ConCarolinas, check out the Nerdiquette 101 panel on Friday afternoon at 4:30pm.

Monday, April 8, 2013

What would you attempt to achieve if you believed it was impossible to fail?

These two questions seem to be at the forefront of the female world lately, mostly thanks to Sheryl Sandberg’s new book, Lean In.(Which I can’t wait to read…#3 of 8 on the Library list!) and a great post by Meagan Marie.

But it got me thinking about what we, as women in fandom, could do if we weren’t afraid to fail?

From taking the leap to be a model& costumer (a la Chainmail Chick) to being an editor for one of the premier SF/F publishers in the industry to starting a movement all about “that guy,” the members of Nerdiquette 101 are often taking risks to follow their dreams.

Even when sometimes those dreams require sacrifices and struggles.Every one of the members of Nerdiquette 101 have at some point had “that guy” experiences…

These two women are only part of the example of the Nerdiquette 101 crew have taken leaps of faith and followed their dreams even though those dreams come with baggage of their own.From an industry dominated by men, to the concept of Fake Geek Girls, they and, by default we, struggle with the choices we make in our lives to challenge the status quo of fandom.

Are the sacrifices worth it? What about the hours and travel? The times of "that guy" ness? Are the perks that come from being a member of fandom – the squeee factor when you meet a like-minded fan who gets it, the excitement of meeting your favorite actor or author, worth it?

What could we do if we knew we couldn’t fail?

Nerdiquette 101 is a unique entity in that while it was started by a bunch of women, it quickly incorporated men who “got it.”Men, who didn’t feel the need to explain away the negatives that the women had encountered and, in most cases, were quick to defend us.Men, who may have had “that girl” experiences, and understood why the movement got started.

So what can we do when men and women aren’t afraid to fail?

How can we change fandom so that all women (and men) feel accepted for who they are and what they are fans of?Where no one has to feel uncomfortable about a situation because there were people around who called out “that guy” on his behavior? Or who pointed out that using a particular term was insulting?

We can start with what we’re doing now.Teach the teachable. Nerdiquette continues to host panels at conventions, facebook relevant news, and protect and back up women (and men) when in uncomfortable situations.

But there’s more to come…expect to see us doing video blogs, “taking it to the street” and getting more women to share their stories (like the PAX incident) of both the negative and the positive of fandom and conventions.

We may fail.We may get laughed at and told we take things too seriously but what could fandom be like if we don’t?

About Nerdiquette 101

Nerdiquette 101 is a movement founded by three women who all had egregiously bad "that guy" encounters at a science fiction convention in 2012.

Our main goals are:1. Teach the teachable. Some people don't realize that they're being creepy or rude. We want to help them understand that they need to change their behavior.

2. If you're being creeped on, we have techniques to help you get out of uncomfortable situations.

3. We encourage people who are physically assaulted to alert concom (con committee) security and if necessary, hotel security, and/or police.

4. We encourage concoms to both have comprehensive anti-harassment policies and to take complaints of assault or harassment seriously. And no, just printing "Don't be a jerk" as a random rule in your list of "Rules of the Con" doesn't count as "comprehensive."