Zona

A Beacon on a Hill

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

HEY BINSK

I got your Coke. A six pack of little half cans. They're so cute. PERFECT for taste test purposes. Run down to the nearest Canada Post and see if they'll receive a "general delivery" package for you. I know Post Offices in the States will do it for you once.

As you can see there is now a link to a blog from Bolivia here. I have started posting some comments on that blog and this is for the benefit of those people who may come check me out.

I lived in Bolivia four years. (mostly in La Paz)I married a Bolivian.I know guys on both sides of the political spectrum.If you know what's up with Mario Paz-Soldan feel free to let me know.Oscar Castro of Savia Andina is one of my very best friends. If you see him tell him I said hey.Oriente Petrolero is the BEST soccer team in Bolivia.I was just there in January after 10 years of absence.If I could I would live there permanently and probably will when I retire.

Political moment of the week. The U.S. Ambassador to Iraq came out and said that some changes to the new Iraqi constitution may be made and a "final final draft" would come out. The Shiites said nope, no changes other than minor language changes.

This is why my wife likes to walk with me when I play golf at the course in Point Roberts. Wild blackberries line many of the fairways. She downs about a pound of the things while I settle on hitting balls through the bushes and into the shit. Into the shit: see the post regarding my 10 most used golf terms.

Another morning after a rigorous night over at Mr Good's blog. Good stuff as always with no pun intended. Can't wait for In a Coma to come out on Sept. 20th. It's his box set of ten years of work and some redos and all his videos. A couple of new songs and his commentary on his stuff. I'm going to buy three. One for me, one for my son, and one for my nephew in Bolivia.

I'm up on my day off thinking of what to have for breakfast. I'm craving tuna but I'm too lazy to make it. Maybe I'll wake the wife up and have her make it. Dentist appt for my daughter at noon then across the line to do some shopping.

Across the line. That's a term us who have lived on the southern border use when we are going to cross the border.

Monday, August 29, 2005

This is about as close as I have ever come from a hole-in-one. 4 1/2 feet. This was my second shot off the tee in the format I explain below. I made this putt for a bird. I would only count it as a hole-in-one if it was the FIRST shot anyway. You have to have three witnesses for a hole-in-one to be considered "official" by the course you were playing. I tell people that if I hit a hole-in-one while playing alone it would not matter if I had the witnesses. It would be official on MY book and I would buy one of those cool display cases to put the ball in.

Here's a funny and true hole-in-one story. Yogi Berra was playing in a charity golf tourney and hit a hole-in-one. Of course he had the witnesses and it is official but when they got to the next tee he teed the HOLE-IN-ONE ball up. One of the guys in his group told him he should SAVE that ball to which Yogi replied "no, this is my LUCKY ball now".

So I went and played golf alone. When I play alone I play a two ball scramble format. That means I hit two shots from the tee. I then chose which was the better shot and go pick the other ball up. I then play two shots from THAT spot and select the best of those two shots and continue that way until I put a ball in the cup.

Enjoy the pics below. Of course you know that I had to post backwards to make it work and I hope I got it right.

Wow, I got to sleep in until 7AM but I had to get up to see what the hurricane was doing to one of the few major cities that I have not been to.

I wanna play golf right now but I told a friend that I would wait until he got off work so we could play. Why do I do shit like that? One of my faults is I do stuff for people knowing that they wouldn't give me the same consideration. I see things when I'm walking around and I think, wow, wouldn't what's his/her name like that and I actually contemplate getting it when I know he/she wouldn't give two shits of thought about me.

One of my favorite scenes in any movie is in Wyatt Earp where Wyatt meets Doc and Doc asks "do you believe in friendship Wyatt?" and Wyatt nods yes and Doc asks "do you have many friends?" and Wyatt nods no.

That's me nodding.

I put a lot of value in friendships only to get little back. One of my best friends is a Bolivian who I recently saw after 10 years. We never call each other because of the distance and both of us being so busy but I KNOW that if I showed up at his door I have a place to stay for as long as I need and he knows he gets the same from me. If you put the total time that we have spent together conversing and laughing our asses off when we talk about women and politics you would have less than 24 hours but we are probably closer than our wives who grew up together and were best friends through high school and are the reason we ended up meeting in the first place.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Sunday night and the rain dances on the roof and Sting plays for me. I'm very tired as it has been a very very long week. My screen goes on and off and I have heartburn. Oceans 12 is one of the worse movies I've ever seen and I was able to make that assessment by only seeing short bits of it as the family watched it and I wandered in and out of the family room during the 6th day of my long work short sleep daze.

EZULWINI VALLEY, Swaziland (Reuters) -- The king of Swaziland's daughter was whipped by a palace official at a party of teenage virgins ahead of a festival where more than 50,000 maidens are available to become her father's 13th wife, media said on Sunday.

Princess Sikhanyiso, 17, told the Times of Swaziland a palace official whipped girls, including beauty queen Miss Swaziland, at the party as a punishment after they refused to turn down the music. She was pictured showing her bruises.

Thousands of bare-breasted virgins will dance for Africa's last absolute monarch in Monday's Reed Dance ceremony, which King Mswati III has used to choose new brides.Critics say the ancient ceremony, meant to celebrate womanhood and virginity, has become little more than a shop window for the 37-year-old king to choose young bride.

That's how I chose MY bride. What's up with complaining about loud music though?

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Wow. I come in and the place feels so empty. I'm gathering some stuff together to scan and start my photo blog next week. This was going to morph into a photo blog but I think I will start a separate blog and link it. THIS photo is not one of mine but it IS the kinda stuff I love to shoot. This photo is by Mary Freamo. I found it by googling abandoned room in google images so you know if you wanted to see more of her work.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I know I know but I've been working 15 hour days and I drove down to pick up the kid and got back at midnite and up at 3:30 but Monday is my day off and Sunday is a short day so I promise to......ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz.

Monday, August 22, 2005

I walked in to look at maybe a t shirt for one of my Bolivian brothers-in-law. I hear your skepticism but it's true. If/when I want to see cleavage I cut to the chase and go to a strip club.

So anyway they have these post cards of Hooters girls and the sign says "take a Hooters girl home for $2.50.

I look at the counter girl and say, "hey, that's not bad" to which she smiles. THEN I finish my thought. "Cause it usually costs me about $30 in liquor to get a Hooters girl home". She stopped smiling.

Now that I've accomplished that critical milestone I see a clear way to the future for this blog. Yep friends it's a smooth ride from here on out. It's only gonna get bigger and brighter and 1,300+ page hits is just an added bonus.

For this coming football season you'll get to ride along as I throw half full coke cans at the T.V.

Yes boys and girls it's the infamous loser pool. Cleveland has managed to knock me out the past two years in a row but it AINT gonna happen this year. I got the foolproof strateegee for winning this time.

A new SURVIVOR season starts soon as does the Golf Channel's Big Break. Toss in some topless hyjinx and a trip home to Tucson and it's gonna be non-stop FUN FUN FUN!!

Toasted cheese sammiches and tomato soup. Oh boy ever since I was a kid I've been eating that stuff. I'm a BIG milk drinker too. HATE beer and I haven't had caffeine in 12 minutes mimi. No wonder I got the shakes!

Other food items I love

UNfrosted brown sugar and cinnamon pop tarts.Sardines in hot sauce with avocado on club crackers.Cheetos (crunchy)THIN MINTS!!! (girl scout cookies)Chunky Monkey Ben and Jerry'sCorn and Wheat ChexFried hot dog sammichesJack In The Box onion ringsMars barsBeef tongue (that oughta chase some of you outta here)Corn DogsCalamari (world's best is at the Jazz Alley in Seattle)Breaded zucchini (I make the best)Sauteed mushroomsSTRAWBERRIES

Joder: ho DARE, verb to fuck. Another one of my favorite phases (two actually) deja de joder: DAY ha day ho DARE. or stop fucking with me and no joda: no HO da. or don't fuck (with me)

Huevon: way VONE, one who sucks cock. The female being way VONE ah. A good general insult.

Mama: MAH mah, from the verb mamar or suck but used to mean something else. If you tell someone to "no mama" you're telling them to quit messing with you or pulling your leg.A brown noser or suckup is referred to as a mah MOAN. Put mama and verga together and you have either a real good time or a TREMENDOUS brown noser.

Baboso: bah BO so, one who is a blathering idiot. Baba means slobber. Add oso and it means one who slobbers. In this case to the point of slurred speech idiocy.

Cabron: cah BRONE.Many of you have heard this word. It's a common insult but it really means pimp. The kind of man who would put the female members of his family out on the street working johns.DISCLAIMER: I use these word a LOT but with friends. We use these words to bust each other's balls. Strangers, specially those with knives, guns, police badges, etc should not hear these words directed at them. Use them amongst yourselves and aim them at me if you like. Practice them in the privacy of your own home. I just hope you get the hours of enjoyment out of them that I do.

We interrupt our normal BLOG insignificance to bring you this message.

While I was listening to right wing talk radio spew excrement I DID hear ONE thing that was interesting. The American Revolution ended in 1781. The U.S. then lived under the Articles of Federation until the Constitution was finally ratified in 1789 EIGHT years later.

No war was going on while the Constitution was being debated and although I doubt they held hands I'm quite sure that the reps from the colonies got along just a little better than those guys depicted in the cartoon.

I do not need to tell my wife about delicious peaches from the orchards near Elfrida, Arizona anymore. The peaches were world class and as a boy it was one of the highlights of the summer visit down to Douglas where my gramma and my aunt Gladys lived.

Gramma died in 80 and Gladys died in 73. The peaches no longer exist thanks to the smoke from the copper smelter that shut down long ago.

We were down in Vancouver, Washington yesterday and we stopped at a small garden shop/market and I smelled what I have not smelled in about 35 years. They say that smell is the most intense trigger of memory and I smelled Elfrida peaches.

We bought some and brought them home. Just a couple of hours ago my wife washed them and I sliced into one and I swear I could see gramma and aunt Gladys and their houses that are right across the alley from each other. The alley where the boogeyman lived at night and I would race thru from aunt Gladys' back door to the safety of the light on gramma's back porch.

When I put the slice in my mouth I could see the living room of gramma's house and the front gate in exact detail. I could see ALL the rooms. The room where I first heard Jimi Hendrix. The back room where gramma stored the rags which she wove into rugs and I played doctor with the neighbor girl. The 10 year-old me stopped by to say hello.

is made up of two cities. Charleston, South Carolina and Savannah, Georgia. AND the drive between the two on highway 17 (if I recall the #) is one of the most lovely drives anywhere. You can go down to battery park in Charleston and see Fort Sumpter off in the distance and perhaps some of the very cannons that started it all back then. You can also see a big plaque marking the spot in that park where "Gentleman Jim" the notorius pirate was hanged. The place oozes history from every corner of a meticilous maintained downtown. I spent the best late spring/summer in my entire life in Charleston and I feel sorry for anybody who isn't able to spend that much time there.

I am going to buy a fancy digital camera soon and I hope I can hit this place before the snow flies.

Montana (at least the parts I've seen)

There is a road in northern Montana that is called the "high line" It starts at Shelby and runs east. It is by far the most interesting trip I have driven outside of my native Arizona. Small towns on the prairie filled with empty streets and boarded up churches. Empty big sky country that lets your mind go blank. Very refreshing.

I-15 north into Montana from Idaho is boring until you come to the Missouri river valley north of Helena. If everybody who goes thru there like I did lived their dream, as is mine, of spending their summers there the place would be completely ruined.

Up on a beautiful Sunday morning. Excuse me just a minute, gotta put some tunes on.

Steely Dan, Alive In America.

And isn't America a great place. Let's forget all the political happenings and just talk about the place.

I was in Maine once and the weather was pretty shitty but I have always wanted to go back in the height of the summer. Nice two lane roads thru the countryside and maybe pop over to St Stephen again when I hit Calais. I had lobster 'cause you GOTTA eat lobster while in Maine 'cause it's the LAW and cracked everybody around me up when I asked for catsup.

I told you about Miami but I didn't tell you the time I tried to play golf there. Parts of my bag are STILL wet and the drive down to Key West is boring after the first two bridges where you think "what a cool view" and Key West is just a place crammed with people and shops wanting you to buy something that has Key West burned/painted/stenciled/tattooed/printed on it. So remember kids. BISCAYNE BAY, South Beach, Bayside (for that Argentine place). That's all you need to know.

San Diego is just fucking awesome. Last time I was there my buddy Rima took me to the gay section of town. THAT my friends is where you always find the best food because say what you want, gay people DEMAND good presentation. Rima took me over to the red light district of Tijuana on one trip and that was a lot of fun. (No is the answer to your question). The gaslight district is a great place too although the restaurants aren't as good as they would have you believe. You MUST have a fish taco in San Diego. It's the LAW. The best are either in Pacific Beach or Tecate. Pacific beach is easier and much more interesting. There's a wooden roller coaster there

Seattle. Pike's Market. Get to Seattle before Mount Rainier awakens and ends the party. Space Needle area and downtown is good walking area. Just be out before dark unless you are in a group. The BEST Chinese food I have EVER eaten is in Pike's Market. People always ask me where the place is and I say look for the sign that says Chinese Restaurant while you're exploring a REALLY cool market.

There's the four corners. Let me eat and we'll fill in some of the rest.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

A woman comes home and tells her husband,"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, & "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

I'm up early on a Saturday day off to take my daughter down to Vancouver, WA. for a week. I took some extra time selecting a t shirt to wear in order to make a good impression finally settling on a Cleveland Hard Rock Cafe shirt.

Now a hat maybe? Many more hats than t shirts to select from. What a dilemma.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Ten songs that should not be played on the radio anymore.My Sweet LordDyer MakrConquistadorBlinded By The LightAnother Brick in the WallHappy JackOne Toke Over The LineMagic BusStrange BrewTaking Care of Business

Read an article the other day where a guy is suing Carlos Santana because he was fired for not being spiritual enough. Sounds like fun. I have a beef with Carlos and let me tell you why.

Jorge Drexler's song "Al Otro Lado Del Rio" from the movie "Motorcycle Diaries" was nominated for an academy award. It won the award.

The elitist suits of the academy would not allow the Uruguayan Drexler to perform his own piece on their broadcast and even refused to answer his phone calls. It seems that they believed that he was not well enough known to perform HIS award nominated composition.

In step the "shaman" Carlos to perform (actually I think BUTCHER) the song on an electric guitar while Antonio Banderas butchered the lyrics.

So here is a guy, Carlos, who will tell you that he is all for human rights and dignity siding with a champagne and caviar bunch to keep an artist off their "sacred" stage.

The academy show was boycotted by Walter Salles, the Brazilian born director of "Motorcycle Diaries" and the movie's star Gael Garcia-Bernal who is from Mexico as is Carlos.

Drexler showed great dignity by graciously being there to accept his award and even sang part of the song as his acceptance speech.

Now I'm not perfect but when Carlos Santana runs around shouting for Hispanic rights and then disrespects an Uruguayan artist like that when others have made a stand with a boycott it's just not right.

Damn, no fruit loops but what is THIS? Half a bag of tostitos. WAIT. Quietly open the fridge......SHAZAM! Grated cheese! Bowl please. Microwave at the ready and it's NACHOS for breakfast. I want to spin the coke can like a Johnny Ringo revolver and slip it into my "keep the damned thing cold for an additional 5 minutes" coozie but I learned that lesson as a child.

DING!! MMMMM and LOOK!! there's some envelopes of taco bell sauce that the kids didn't find.

Good morning world and isn't it always a beautiful morning when I can listen to Day 444 of the Dreggs Unsung Heroes album through my $300 Bose head phones?

Call me an asshole now, and you can since I scored a 49% on the asshole rating test, but it seems to have gotten out of hand in Texas from the dignified mother, who had already met once with W, to the point now when IF he wanted to meet with her HIS staff would have to call HER staff and work out scheduling technicalities with her being much busier than him.

I won't apologize for the way I feel on this because I can point to my 49% assholeness and why should we apologize for how we feel about something and wait, this piano part of Day 444 requests that I now close my eyes and move my hand as if I was a conductor of the piece. And in comes the violin and I move like Hannibal Lector in that fancy cell but I don't like lamb so bring me a T-bone and that feisty young april lady who does the ol' phone sex gig and you can watch because I've always been very accommodating for my friends.

That's Day 444 boys and girls so if you're on one of the file sharing sites that features some such song and you have a bazillion songs now but you still need more but which more do you need well I'm here to tell you that you need this one.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The long day end of another weekSo what's 15 hours? Four day weekend now. Listening to Jack Soul, I Still Believe In Love. Some very good posts out there this week peeps and one extraordinary photo taken by a young talent who should be happy with her stuff. Damn I gotta get some of my shit scanned. Anita Baker smooth smooth voice on a CD of slow soul tunes just for me.

I have the feel of warm breezes thru a Miami hotel window. Biscayne Bay is where I stay when I'm in that town. Dinner at the Edelweiss German restaurant or the Argentine place in Bayside or if I go over to South Beach it's gotta be the pasta at the Clevelander.

A stroll thru the humid evening with a partaga glowing between my fingers and lips alternatively. Maker's Mark bourbon back at the Hotel's patio bar and feet soaking in the jacuzzi late into the night.

You can have every other bit of Miami but give me those evenings in Biscayne Bay.

One evening a man was at home watching TV andeating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catchthem in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, hiswife asked a question, and as he turned to answerher, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to digit out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. Hecalled his wife for assistance, and after hours of tryingthey became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughtercame home with her date. After being informed of theproblem, their daughter's date said he could get thepeanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and toldhim to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The motherand daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The youngman insisted that it was nothing and the daughter broughtthe young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father andsaid, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What doyou think he's going to be when he grows older?"

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I met Joanna Krupa today and all I can say is refer to my old post where I define stunning as it applies to women. I looked at her and said "you're gorgeous" and she replied "you're sweet" and I jumped around like rudolph in the christmas special when the doe told him he was cute.

Monday, August 15, 2005

So I'm going off on Matt Good's blog. It's been building awhile so I'm due I guess. Matt is an EXTREMELY intelligent fellow and I respect what he has to say immensely. See I can say that without sounding like I'm kissing up because he don't come around here. I just have some problems with some commenters basically echoing what he has to say and I call them out for not having any viable stuff of their own.

Of course I am outta my league when I go toe to toe with Matt but that never stopped me. I'm sitting in my corner now breathing heavily. I can't see the tits on the girl with the big numbered card.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

You're driving down the road and it's pouring rain. You're in a two seater car when you come to a bus stop where three people are stranded.

1) A buddy who has gotten you outta more precarious situations and IN to more panties than you can count.

2) An old woman who is on the verge of death but can be saved if taken quickly to a hospital.

3) The woman of your dreams. The perfect woman for you who you will only have the chance to meet right here, right now.

Only one of them will fit in the passenger seat. What do you do?

The test monitor told me that I had two hours to contemplate my answer and put it in the form of an essay of 500 words or less. It took me 10 minutes.

I got a call back for an interview with the company. The interviewer told me that everybody was intrigued by my answer. You see, this test had been put together by shrinks and philosophers to check an individuals ability to think outside of the box. They used this test to hire ALL of their employees.

The interesting thing I was told is that the "correct answer" was that I should pull over, toss the keys to my buddy who could then drive the old lady to a hospital while I stayed behind with the woman of my dreams. I didn't answer that way but I was hired immediately because they saw me as someone who thinks outside of the box.

MY ANSWER?

I run down the old lady and take her out of her misery and send her to a better place. I do the woman of my dreams on the hood of the car and then drive off with my buddy to get some beer.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

20 questions with 'zona boyWhat do you do?I work as an analyst in the tourism industry. I study trends and try to make predictions on how and where people are going to travel. This info is then used by airlines and hotels and investment bankers to determine where best to put their resources.

Family?Married 23 years. Four kids, two of each. One grandson.

You grew up in Arizona but now live in Canada. Do you like it?Canada's OK. I'm in Vancouver now but I wish I was still in Calgary. What a great town with great surroundings. Pretty damned cold but that was alright. You breathe in some -20 degree air and you feel alive boy.

Canadians?Yeah, the place is FULL of them. Canadians are Canadians. They like what they like and they like to diss Americans but I really don't care. That may just be what bothers them the most.

Arizonans?Laid back mellow people except for Phoenix. Maybe that's why I like Alberta so much. The attitude was very similar.

Your ambition is....?To win the lottery. If I clear over 100 million I give half of it away to charity.

Name a few.My cousin died of AIDS so the hospice that took care of him gets a million. BC Children's hospital, lots of food banks, battered women's shelters. Stuff like that.

What do you hate about your work?Most everything.

What do you love?Almost nothing. I'm good at what I do and it beats stocking shelves at Walmart but I'm pretty tired of it. Too bad the bennies are so good.

Tell us something that would surprise us.I was a Mormon missionary. I'm not religious now and I wasn't really then but it's something I did for my mother. She wanted both of her sons to go. I went. It was the experience of a lifetime. I recommend it to all young Mormon males. I think EVERYBODY oughta do something like that for at least a year. Peace Corp or some other volunteer work around the globe. I will never regret having done it.

Where did you go?La Paz, Bolivia. What a great place. Two years living with the people and running to the toilet from time to time.

You met your wife there. Describe her.My wife is my opposite. She's very modest and proper. She's what holds me steady through all things. She's a godsend. Probably the reason I'm not dead. I met her on my mission and two years after I had gone home I returned and convinced her to marry me.

Describe your passion of golf.Passion? Well if you call it a passion golf would be my dominatrix. Golf punishes and ridicules me just about every time I play. I love it though. I'm very submissive to her. I shoot in the 90's.

Why don't Americans like hockey?Canadians don't understand that when hockey starts the NFL is going full blast. When the hockey playoffs roll around we're in the midst of March madness. Put the NBA and NASCAR and the World Series in the mix and hockey just don't make it.

Describe yourself politically.Pro choice. Pro death penalty. Anti W. Pro gay rights. I'm not in any political party but I always vote.

Why do you blog?I dunno. But I'm well on my way to 1000 page views. It got me back on the computer regularly again. I read Tony Pierce and Matt Good and Michele all the time and a bunch of others from time to time. It makes the world smaller.

You didn't think I could come up with this many questions did you?I don't think I'm interesting enough to answer that many.

What would you say if I told you that THIS QUESTION is number 20?I would say it's over.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I are a psyquik

Saw a post on a blog where the girl said she was a pyschic but not always. I used to be pretty good at it and it scared the bajesus outta me when a lady walked up to me and told me that I was a psychic. I said yeah but I only revealed it to women who thought I was using it to try to pick them up.

I always waited for the woman who would come up and say that she was a psychic and that she could see we were going to have hot monkey sex all night to which I could reply that it was true but then we would never see each other again and then she would say, DEAL and off we'd go to the super luxurious back seat of her car.

It's a goddamned crisis at the ol' hacienda tonite boys and girls. I am out of Coca Cola. Canadian Coke tastes like shit so I'm gonna hope I can take it to tomorrow when I can go across the line.

Big Sugar is playing got my head in a haze, feel like a cat in a cage...digging a hole golly I loved that band and the way that cloud of smoke rose from the crowd at the stampede a couple of years ago. Good thing the ol' boss didn't know enough about Big Sugar to hand me a piss cup the next day as I climbed in the ol' taco stand....can't read the lines on the page, I'm feeling twice my age.

My momma has a computer now and got an invitation to gmail in her first week and what the fuck's up with THAT noise. Oh well. I'm not in my email too much anyway other than to look at the dirty pictures and jokes my bud sends me from Calgary. I just hope mom doesn't use email to nag me to go to church and hell no she isn't getting this blog address.

So I had a great front nine today but the course got even with me on the back nine. So now I'm showered and wishing that a petite Japanese woman was walking on my back while another was preparing the hot tub and the sushi. All that of course in the nude.

All my people right here right now by Oasis playing now. Some great guitar riffs.

I'm melancholy today because I found out the woman in Bolivia who I refer to as my Bolivian mother is dying of cancer. She has three months. It kinda sucks because I was down there last January but didn't get over to see her. I was in La Paz and she lives in Cochabamba. I was there two weeks and didn't have much time so I stayed in La Paz and just enjoyed my in-laws. I hadn't been down in ten years.

We bought a house that my brother-in-law had to sell to get out from under a debt. My mother-in-law lives in the house and may very well have ended up in the street or at least having to pay triple the rent in another place. So now I own the house and she has a place to live the rest of her days along with my sister and brother-in-law.

I hear all of you saying that I did a good thing and maybe I did. Just don't scroll back up to the part where I'm wanting to frolic with naked Japanese women. Or if you do don't tell my Bolivian mother. She'd come up and kick my ass before she left.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The world's greatest police force.

Interpol decided to hold a competition to see who was the greater police force. They narrowed it down to two finalists, the FBI and Scotland Yard. They decided on a venue in Mexico 100 miles north of Chihuahua.

So the two teams and the judge assemble and are about to begin when they see a large cloud of dust approaching. Turns out to be a black suburban full of heavily armed Mexican Federales. The comandante gets out of the suburban and demands to know what's going on.

The judge explains the contest.

"These guys are a bunch of pendejo maricones screams the comandante. WE'RE the best fucking police on the planet and we'll show you. And amigo, seeing that you are in our country and we have the guns I suggest that you allow us to prove it to you".

So now there's three teams competing.

The judge puts a large box on the table in front of him. Out of the box he pulls a rabbit.

"This is a rabbit. If you notice he is brown with two black feet and two white feet".

The judge puts the now terrified rabbit down and it takes off into the desert like a bat out of hell.

"Whoever finds that rabbit wins".

The FBI immediately calls for a mobile command unit. Scotland Yard calls in their tech support team. Helicopters appear out of nowhere and the teams scramble to set up satellite dishes and sat phones and coffee makers and tents and trailers. The Federale comandante yells, "VAMONOS MUCHACHOS!" and the Mexican jump in the suburban and take off in a cloud of dust and hail of AK-47 gunfire.

One week goes by and the FBI team leader approaches the judge and announces that due to budgetary constraints and Senate subcommittee subpoenas the FBI will be forced to withdraw. The FBI packs up and leaves.

The next day Scotland Yard's leader approaches the judge and tell him that her majesty the queen has summoned them home to sweep her yacht in preparation for her tour of the realm. Scotland Yard packs up and leaves.

Two days later the guy from Interpol decides that this might be his best chance to get out of town unnoticed and is packing up when he sees a large cloud of dust approaching. It's the suburban hauling a trailer. The suburban stops just short of running the guy over. When the dust clears the comandante gets out and announces that they have captured the prize. Bullets fly and cheers from the men fill the air.

The judge is actually excited.

"Let's have a look"!

The comandante opens the back of the trailer and the judge is shocked to see.........an ELEPHANT.

"What the hell is this"?

The comandante throws down his cigar and grabs the elephant by the trunk.

Talked to Cindy Wilson of the B-52's today. They were up here as a band filming an episode of the L word. Tomorrow I play golf with one of the guys from Stargate SG-1/Atlantis. I'm just hobnobbing with the celebs this week I guess. I met Raul Velasco which was cool even though I'd be surprised if any of you knew who he is. REALLY a nice guy and a thrill after seeing him on TV all those years.

Here's a list for you.

In no particular order my ten most used golf expressions.

1. Shit2. Fucking shit2. Ah shit4. Can you believe that shit?5. Did you see that shit?6. Break you piece of shit.7. I hit the shit outta that one.8. Right into the shit9. Shit, another slice.10. God how I love this shit.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Just check the ol' meter and found out people from all over the globe have been stumbling in here. Spain, Sweden, England, Argentina, Germany and some universities too.

Kinda makes me think that maybe Miss Cleavage wasn't such a hot idea. Girls from all over think I'm a PIG......wait, let's make that MORE girls from all over think I'm a pig.

I would have at least cleaned up the place and had some refreshments. A lot of people clicked on me from my profile interests being the same as theirs. I'm glad I got voodoo, human sacrifice, cannibalism, teletubbies, and cat juggling off my interests list.

I even had a visit from the Sgt of Arms of the U.S. Senate according to the log. THAT'S SCARY. Maybe they heard about my Senator Kyl post. It's STILL a stupid idea sarge!

OK so I've calmed down. I'm very tired these days. Tired in the way that aches and makes you pissed off.

Mutual Admiration Society playing now. Very nice mellow stuff. Kinda bluegrassy slow. I forget the band these guys are part of and I remember all the amazon.com comments dissing the CD because it wasn't deemed as good as their original band but who the hell wants to listen to clone CD's of their last CD of clones from their other CD.

This CD was playing in the used record store I was paroosing while a tire was being changed on the van that we have since traded in for a '04 Dodge Stratus. A beautiful red sleek machine that is not the hybrid that I would liked to have gotten but I don't have the dough re mi.

I love used record stores and hearing good tunes and asking the counter people who the hell is that. Found my Tori Amos, Scarlett's Walk because I was paroosing a card store on 4th ave in Tucson. My home town and 4th ave is where the cool shops are but the local voodoo supply outlet closed but dairy queen is still open. Hot fudge.

Talked to a lesbian couple today who lived in separate houses so I was smokin and jokin when I mentioned to one that the other must need her space and she says to me "I haven't been able to figure her out all these years" and I said "great, join the club because I can't figure women out either".

I heard the applause of the ladies when Miss Cleavage went away. I'll miss you baby, no shit. So here I am with Seals and Crofts playing away. God how I wish I could go back to those days knowing what I know now. That's why I guess I try to guide my kids instaed of teaching them and watching them.

I'll tell you this summer is kicking my ass. So many people wanting tacos and so few stands. Then people complain because they think tacos are their right. Go eat a burger or a hot dog assholes!!

WHAT THE FUCK is he talking about? He don't know either boys and girls. He's just spinning like a dervish and blurring into second person. Too bad he's not clever enough to go into third person.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Back in the early 80's I was a bartender in a really cool restaurant in Tucson called The Solarium. It was all wood and glass and plants and shaped like a big fan. The bar was upstairs and the place would be jammed for happy hour. Had a lot of regulars but one stays with me.

Diane worked across Tanque Verde road at the title company. Short blonde hair, C cup, and all I'll say about that ass is that I would eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from. She had it all. Brains, sense of humor, style.....Basically I worshiped her and told her as much. Diane was divorced and God only knew why until she told me that he ran off with another woman who had money.

I used to watch men crash and burn ugly off of Diane. Me and her got along great but never saw each other outside the Solarium. I was nowhere close to the orbit she cruised in. I told her what a loser her husband was and she told me about part of the settlement. He had a cherry red 67 Mustang that was in immaculate condition. It was still in the carport of the house when she got a notarized letter from New York. It gave her power of attorney over the car which was registered in both their names anyway. He wanted her to sell it and send him half of the proceeds. So she puts it up for sale and sells it the first day. Sells it to the first guy who comes to look at it. So she goes down to the bank to get a cashiers check to send to dumbass. "I gotta ask Diane" says I, "what did you get for it"?

She says, "this guy comes by and looks at the car. He likes it and asks what I want for it. So I ask him how much he has on him. Turns out he just got paid and has $500 cash. I look at him and say SOLD"!

Sue Johanson is the host of "The Sunday Night Sex Show". It's a show in Canada that is one of my all time faves and I wish they would put a greatest hits package out on DVD so that Americans can enjoy it. She takes phone calls from people about sex and holds a straight face during many calls that go something like this.

"Hello Sue, I have these bumps all over my penis. They're kinda white and some closer to the head are yellow. Can you give me some help here"?

My all time favorite call was from a girl who didn't want to hurt her boyfriend's feelings but wanted to know how she could tell him that his love for urinating all over her before they had sex bothered her.

You see if I were the host I would tell the caller. "Sweetie you don't have to mention it to him at all. Just go tell your father and he'll have a man to man with his prospective son-in-law and together I'm sure they'll come up with a solution and you'll find a new boyfriend who prefers the toilet over another human being for his urinating needs".

Sue is an expert on sexual matters and helps thousands of callers with their problems. I would very much like to meet her. I would bet that behind Don Cherry she's the most popular person in all of Canada.

Another segment of her show that I love is where Sue whips out a new sex toy and critiques it. Does it do what you want it to do and is it user friendly kinda stuff.

Sue gets at least one call a show from a woman who's goofy boyfriend/husband is trying to convince her to take it in the out door. Sue's take is what my take would be except I would suggest that the woman go buy a dildo the size of her man's penis and tell him that after she shoves it up his ass she might consider his wish.

Sue tells all these women something that has become one of my favorite catch phrases.

So we were all talking at work during our lunch break. There was the latest issue of Cosmo that one of the girls brought in. Suprise, there was a sex survey along with the top 100 things a woman can do to make her man hot for what's she's got. Now that's how I know that magazine is full of shit. Men are not that complicated and any woman who actually reads that is a fool because all women know that men think of sex constantly. Men think with their penises. Am I right ladies? So all a woman has to do is whisper in a man's ear "I want you to pull my panties down and have your way with me" and it's pretty much over.

On THIS occasion the talk turned to faking orgasms. The women took over the conversation and the men made a futile argument. I just sat quietly and listened. All the movie and TV references came up where the actress faked orgasms or talked about how they had. So I wait for the right moment as the conversation is running out of steam to make my statement before the assembled tribunal.

"Once a man takes one woman to the point of orgasm it becomes impossible for any woman to fake on him".

Mouths dropped open and the silence was deafening. Mind you that some of these mouths were still full of food so I had to shield my eyes.

"Correct me if I'm wrong ladies but when a woman reaches orgasm there is a physical reaction and the texture of that thing down there changes. At least that has been MY experience. You can actually feel it and it is quite interesting".

Then I look around the crowd and only one woman is nodding her head indicating that I am right. Of course I know I'm right because......been there, done that. The rest of the day I enjoyed watching the others wander over to her, look around the room, and start whispering.

You have a new Governor-General. For those of you who are not aware the Queen of England is the official head of state in Canada. It is not the Prime Minister it is the Queen. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN. That's why Dizzy Lizzy is all over their money. That's why all of their military units are named after people in the royal family. That's why it's The Court of Queen's bench in Canada where in the U.S. it's the people versus.....

Ask a Canadian what the Governor-General does and you'll get two answers. Some Canadians will tell you that she's the person who pisses away millions of dollars traveling with a large group of kiss-asses to countries throughout the realm. Some will tell you the she's the beloved Queen's representative in Canada and God bless her because it's only money so let's hoist our cups to her.

Canadians love to diss Americans but now you, my fellow yanks know what to say when one gets going. Just ask, "why is the Queen of England on your money and what's with this Governor-General thing"? Stops'em dead every time. If somebody important in Canada or the press brings up ending this silliness of the Queen being the OFFICIAL HEAD OF STATE in Canada the royal shit hits the fan and the swords are drawn in anger by the royalists. Calls of treason go out and the fleet sails to quash the rebellion.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

LAST ONE TODAY I SWEARCD's that I'll never admit to owning but somehow ended up on my rack.

Carpenters: Love Songs (I think that's my wife's actually)Madonna: Bedtime Stories (xmas present from one of the kids)PM Dawn: The Bliss Album (It was a freebie from the record club)Sade: The best of (I think the neighbors tossed it over the fence)

Two things I forgot to tell you. I've linked another blog. Ashley. I like what she has to say. She's honest and refreshing. Keep doing what you're doing kiddo. (like she really reads mine) This breaks a rule that I had of only linking blogs that link me. If I've missed anybody please let me know.

The important thing is what my background music is now.

Loggins and Messina: Mother Lode

It's one of my all-time top ten CD's and just might make it into my casket. That is if my wife goes first because she won't allow any of that silliness.

Of COURSE Joni Mitchell is the artist I have the most of. (11 CD's. one is a dbl so 12) Joni is followed by Matt Good (5), Dave Matthews (4), and Jann Arden with three.

Tony Pierce interviewed Raymi and they tried to determine who they could compare Matt Good to music wise. I kinda like the idea that he only sounds like Matt Good. I tell people that Matt Good is rock and roll for grownups.

The Dave Matthews I have are his first four CD's I like him but I'm not one of what you might consider "his typical fan base". I haven't seen him live and don't know that I ever would.

I like Jann Arden's stuff and have met her on a couple of occasions. She's a great story teller but don't think her songs are story songs. IF you are one of these bold people who go out and buy on a whim you would have to buy her "Living Under June" CD OR the CD she did live with the Vancouver Symphony Ochestra. She tell stories between songs and it's kinda like a greatest hits live. WONDERFUL CD.

I found Jann and Matt when I moved to Calgary, Alberta. Other Canadian bands I like? Big Sugar, Big Wreck, Tragically Hip, Nickelback, and 54-40.

So I slept in until 8 this morning which may not sound late to YOU but when you consider that I usually get up at 3:30 my 8 equates to noon to most of you. There are too many assholes who want to come see me at 5am so I gotta get up at 3:30. Some actually say dumbass things like "gee, you're up early" to which I respond "thanks to you" and I put a look on my face that screams "you're a fucking asshole" but it flies right over them because most of them are fucking morons in the MIDDLE of the day and here it is 5am.

Anywho Charly Garcia is my background music this morning. The unplugged CD he did for Spanish MTV. Charly is the Argentine John Lennon. Very talented but very much more tormented than the Brittish version. Lots of alcohol and drugs and a stint in a mental institution. Lots of cancelled concerts but in his prime he was amazing. If you're cruising the music downloading sites later try "la sal no sala", "no soy extrano", or "los dinosaurios". Los Dinosaurios is a tune he wrote for all the people who disappeared in Argentina's dirty war. If you grew up religious like I did you've heard the phrase "feel the spirit" The "spirit" is supposed to reveal the truth of the thing to your soul. I've never felt the spirit in a religious setting but I alway feel it when I hear "Los Dinosaurios".

Here's an interesting note since we're talking about Argentina. During the Falklands war all things British were banned in Argentina. That included all music. Of course since the United States backed England all American music was tossed as well. The ban continued for some time after the war ended. What that did was focus Argentine kids on what Argentine musicians were creating. Charly was famous BEFORE that time already so he wasn't effected as mush as others but the impact of that censorship of external music was the explosion of the Argentine music scene. Now EVERYBODY would agree that the war as all wars is tragedy but I just thought that small effect was interesting.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Hot damn I'm off the next two days. I'm just one lottery win away from blowing that dump off for good. Then the boss will run around going "Where is he and who took a shit on my desk?"

Listening to mellow stuff from Jonatha Brooke. Off her CD called Plumb. If you can download tunes check out "Inconsolable" and "No better". That is if you can find them.

One of my days off I'll be playing golf. I don't believe I told the story but I was playing golf with my dad last year and on the back nine I told him "thanks for teaching me this game dad. I'll never be very good at it but I want you to know that I always enjoy playing". He said "you're welcome son". Two days later a heart attack took him away. Now when I go see him I don't take flowers. I leave golf balls from good rounds. (under 95) One day I was playing at one of my favorite courses and I hit 5 balls off the tee on a par three hole. I put all five shots on the green and two putted for 5 pars. Those balls along with two others are on my shelf waiting for my trip home in October.

Monday, August 01, 2005

OK OK I'm listening to Mariah Carey's debut CD and I have to say I'm liking it but don't puke until you read this true life story.

If you've followed along you've noted that I have a job where I see a lot of ID's

A lady came up to me some time ago. Musta weighed 350-400. Dressed in a mumu. I swear if I'da said BOO real loud she would have broken down in hysterics. She puts some ID down. Almost ready to cry because she doesn't have what I need so I look at what she has. A driver's license and a valid......permit.....to carry..........a concealed firearm. Merciful mother of GOD (add it to the tab). She was quite proud of that permit and all I could think of was woman, you got no worries. Aint nobody gonna attack you and IF they did they would come away with a new gun they could hurt somebody else with.

I wish I was on a board that considered applications for concealed carry permits then I coulda told this woman "not only no, but fuck no".

WORDS goddammit we want WORDS not pics of some band you think would be cool is what the masses are screaming for. All 6 or 7 of 'em anyway. I stumbled on to a blog who's author's interests are Bible, Prayer, Bead Collecting and Blowjobs. Aint that the combination. Hey baby, while you're down there conversing with the great spirit......

Oh, is that blasphemous? It'll just get added to my tab I suppose. I've found blogs all about bondage and spanking. THERE'S a challenge. Comment on one of those without sounding cliche'. I must say that Post a Secret is my favorite blog so far. I wonder though if it's like Penthouse Forum and most of it is a load of baloney. "So there I was boning my girlfriend and her naked mom walks in and says move over. Gee, I thought she was talking to my girlfriend but she meant me and then dad with the video camera......and after a while I was holding the video camera....."

Jeez Luweez what happened to that bright faced missionary boy we all loved 30 years ago before demon rock and roll corrupted him and the air guitar concerts and then he grew that moustache. At least he married the right girl and got that good job that turns into a career and a retirement plan.