We’ve all now officially seen “THE TUCK” picture and now 5 minutes later I’m already reading complete nonsense about how this picture is ruining Rob’s image and how he’s fat and has back-acne and his pubes are trimmed. I’ve got news for you psychos…

HE’S AN AVERAGE GUY!!!!!!!

And can we all say a collective “AMEN?” He is NOT Edward with a marble chest, he is Rob, pasty white, somewhat soft in this picture… THAT’S NORMAL! and ya know what? That makes me feel a heck of a lot better about myself cause god knows I don’t look like Megan Fox or have her body and God knows 90% of the Twi-dom doesn’t either! So calm down!

XO, loving you like you are…
Themoonisdown

*bullhorn screeches, steps off soapbox, goes back to spinning records and making out with rob*

Since you’ve been hiding out recently sleeping in with me everyday getting into character/working out/escaping freaky stalker Twimoms, we’ve missed you around these parts. In fact we’re starting to forget what you even look like (ok, ok just go along with me on this one gals), you know when you haven’t seen someone in so long you sometimes can’t picture them in your head? That’s what this feels like Rob! But fortunately for us some crappy rag-mag has published this easy how-to guide for recognizing your body parts on other people. So when that blessed day comes and you’re spotted out in that grandma sweater of yours we’ll be able to figure out it’s YOU and not Jake Gyllenhaal with a Dadcase. He wishes!

click to enlarge

Enlarge this badboy by clicking on it. Perfect size to be printed off and carried around in your handbag, Ladies. Just in cases!

Let’s break it down shall we…

Orlando Bloom’s Eyes– Elven eyes are better than Elven ears I suppose. But yea I can see this. And they actually kinda look related. Oh those Brits!

Matthew McConaughey’s Hair – Ef the hair, the only thing I’m worried about is Rob’s hair taking after Matthew’s and waking the neighbors with naked bongo playing. The boy’s not muscular enough for that kind of exertion.

Jake Gyllenhaal’s Eyebrows – So I take it Jakey’s eyebrows have to be pushed and pulled and plucked and tweezed and waxed into submission just like Robbie’s? Poor Jake.

Chase Crawford’s Lips – WTF?! I’d like to think we know a thing or two about Rob’s lips around these parts, especially when they get all smooshy. Besides, Chase Crawford looks like a melty Ken doll, I simply cannot agree with this or condone it. NEXT!