The last time the Olympics were in London in 1948 was also the first time an Asian American won a gold medal in the Games. That distinction belongs to 91 year-old Dr. Samuel “Sammy” Lee, who was born in Fresno, CA and is of Korean descent.

And before you any of you start grossing me out by wondering aloud how big those hand and footprints are (seriously, BLEGH) please allow me to direct our attention back to the far more important headline: THERE’S GONNA BE A RAGER! You too can attend, if you have $350 to $4,000 to spend on an evening in sorta-proximity to basketball’s most talented douchetool.

According to TMZ, this over-the-top, “Asian-themed” bash is not one to miss.

The party is supposed to be INSANE — with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman’s Chinese Theater earlier that day. … including a 15-foot custom made dragon.

A CUSTOM MADE DRAGON! Pish. If we had 50 Gs to spend on an “Asian theme,” you bet your ass we wouldn’t party without:

Known for: His ability to “speak” human words (it is unclear whether or not he can fly when holding a feather). CBS recently reported that Kosik, a captive elephant at Everland Theme Park, has developed the ability to speak seven words in Korean (which is three more words than I can say, if you don’t count food). He is the only known living elephant to do so, and even though it’s unlikely he can understand what he’s saying, scientists are dazzled by his ever-improving pronunciasian.

The LA Times calls the 50 year-old Sacramento native–who’s a Republican but also known as an “independent thinker”–”a surprise nominee who is relatively unknown outside judicial circles,” so here’s what we’d like to know about her:

Why She’s a Babe: Because as YouTube’s #1 beauty vlogger–her videos have been viewed over 150 million times–Michelle Phan is helping other chicks look like babes, and that’s a beautiful thing. Also, it takes courage to face millions of viewers without a lick of makeup–you may not know it, but we wear a shit-ton when we vlog–and au naturel is how she begins each video. (It helps, of course, that Michelle’s skin is flawless and seems to be utterly lacking in pores. Bitch!) While some of the Vietnamese American makeup artist’s tutorials are cute gimmicks–like the Barbie doll one, a look she demo’ed without using a mirror–and some verge on the clichésian, like the Geisha Halloween or Anime Eyes videos, many of her videos are just plain useful, which explains why Lancôme recently signed her as their official video makeup artist in an unprecedented contract for someone who got their start on the interwebz. Peep our favorites below. Even if you’re not into makeup, you may find yourself mesmerized by Michelle’s eerily calm demeanor and soothing voice.

One of the most awesomely fake controversies of the year has got to be the decrying of newly-crowned Miss USA Rima Fakih–the first Muslim-American and second Arab-American winner of the pageant–as a “politically-correct” choice, and the hostility demonstrated primarily by the Right toward this idea of politics mixing with beauty. Because anyone with half a fucking brain knows that politics ALWAYS mixes with beauty. Apart from a preference for facial symmetry, which has been proven in different scientific studies to be an objective and cross-cultural beauty criterion, humans aren’t born with an innate sense for what’s beautiful. In other words, beauty is not so much in the eye of the beholder as it is in the thinking. Our thinking, as in…our ideologies, belief systems, and politics? Why people are bringing this up now as some kind of newfangled liberal invention is beyond me. Was it not political that the first Eurasian Miss USA was only crowned in 1984, the first Latina Miss USA in 1985, and the first black Miss USA in 1990? Did the fact that white chicks almost always took home the title of Miss USA in the thirty-plus years before that have nothing to do with politics, and, more specifically, the political notion that “American beauty” equals Caucasian?

Look, if Miss USA is getting more politically-correct, we should all be singing hallelujah. Let’s not forget that these women still put Vaseline on their teeth to keep that crazy person’s smile on their faces and they prance around in bikinis and stilettos as though that’s a completely normal thing to do when half-naked in public, so a little swinging of the pageant’s politics toward something more progressive and a little less racist is a Barbie-heeled step in the right direction.

As a Chinese American, a Wang, and a lifelong football fan who’s always considered the Bills the whipping boy of the NFL–they last went to the playoffs in ’99, they’ve never won a championship, and they hold the dubious distinction of being the only team who’s gone to (and lost) four consecutive Super Bowls–I just weep.

Ah, well…two steps forward, one step back!

To learn more about Ed Wang, watch the video below. His parents Robert and Nancy are former Chinese Olympians–dad was a high-jumper, mom was a hurdler–and they’re cute as all get out. In that Hardass Asian Parent way, of course. Choice quote from Ed’s dad:

But Allred also represents Tiger’s classiest mistress, Rachel Uchitel, and helped her nab $10 million to keep her trap shut about her sexy times with the year’s most famous philanderer. She took on client Josyln James, the porn star who’s been peddling her dirty wares alongside an online log of Tiger’s banausic sexts, and seeks an apology for James’s… time?

The attorney now stands alongside a new money-grubbingfame-seeking apology-seeking bandwagoneer: Woods’s kindergarten teacher, Maureen Decker. Decker feels wronged by a story that first appeared in Charles Barkley’s book The Wicked Game, which was published in 2005–and after five years realized that Tiger Woods was wrapped in a shit spiral and ladies everywhere could cash in if they played their cards right she couldn’t take the “migraines, elevated blood pressure, and colitis” for one more day, sought Allred’s inparticular counsel, and went public with her beef.

Does simply signing clients with vaginas make one a feminist? Because we kinda think that a truly pro-fem lawyer would have been the one working to secure Elin Nordegren’s future and due financial security. Instead, she’s taking a percentage of victories for women who feel they are owed something for spreading their legs and screwing somebody else’s husband. Ah, what a powerful message: “If I fuck you, you better take care of me.”