5 Points Cut From The State Of The Union Address

HUMOR ALERT: President Obama is giving the first State of the Union Address tonight for his second term in office. If you haven’t heard, there’s been a lot of tension in the United States over the past year. Tonight, there were some surprises originally planned, but the President decided to take them out of the speech. You might be shocked what parts the left-hugging media left on the cutting room floor!

FOX NEWS IS RIGHT

“After much thought, I’ve decided that the United States must go against the popular vote, neglect the electoral colleges, and just agree with the Republican Party. Why fight? If you want hate, you got it! Let’s bring back Glenn Beck!”

I’M GOING HUNTING WITH TED AND JOHN

“I see Ted Nugent here tonight. Hi Ted! Love Ya! Here’s a guy who was too insane to fight in Vietnam, but now thinks he deserves to own 500 assault rifles. I’m tired of all the hoopla over second amendment rights. Heck! More than half of you couldn’t even tell me what the third and fourth amendments were if someone tore them up in front of you, but you’ll fight tooth and nail for the first and second. So, tonight, I’m going to propose that you should be able to buy any gun and even one of the new 300 hundred tanks Congress is purchasing that the Army doesn’t want. Buy ’em up while you can!”

DRONES. DRONES. DRONES.

“Don’t worry about these things. We’ve dumped the Hellfire missiles on most of them and sold the flying rights to TMZ. From now on, I propose that they keep 24 hour tabs on Lindsay Lohan and start filming awesome footage of the New Housewives of Hazard County.”

OBAMACARE RULES

“I know, there was a big worry about Obamacare, but I have to be honest with you: The Affordable Healthcare act will be coming a full reality this year and I think it is time to admit to ourselves that Sarah Palin was both wise and right. Now, as a special surprise, I’d like to introduce to you my special guests for the evening. Everybody! Let’s give a rousing applause for your new….Death Panel!”

SCREW IT…

“OK. With a heavy heart, I need to announce that…I AM A KENYON and to you women-hating, gun-toting, right-wing following hee-haws, I say ‘Yay! Gooooooo Communism’ (…Marxism, Fascism, Socialism, or whatever flavor of political idealism you think I am this week…)”