Do you like having friends but wish you didn't have them anymore? Well, I've got the perfect way to lose all of your friendships and gain a bunch of enemies. All you got to do is invite them over for a game of Mario Party.

Yep, it's as simple as that. But you can't play to win because winning is fun and having friends is fun. And since you want to lose all of your friends, you've got to act in such a way that is the opposite of fun. Are you following me? No? Well, don't worry. I've got 3 simple and easy steps for you to take in order to lose all your friends.

Steal All of Everything

First things first. Don't even try to get the star on the board. Seriously, just collect all the coins you can and try to land on Boo's spot. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's the best way to making all of your friends hate you forever. They're working hard for their stars. They're working hard to win. And all you have to do is take that away from them. Who cares if they're the best at the game? That doesn't matter anymore, since you took all their stars away. And when they cry and complain that you're playing a game of dirty Mario Party, all you have to do is laugh at them.

Mess With Your Friends During Minigames

I know you need the coins. Especially since you read that last step. All you have to do is make sure you don't come in last place a couple of times and you'll be fine. Trust me. I've tested this plan. But every time you play a minigame (and you will a whole bunch), just make sure you get in the way of everyone trying to achieve their objective. That's it. Listen, even if you don't win, all of your friends will get pissed off anyway. "You're not even winning, Paul! Why are you being such a dick?" They'll say. And you'll respond with a wry smile and say, "Because fuck you Alex, fuck you".

If All Else Fails, Break Everything

If just suggesting a game of Mario Party to your friends doesn't make them hate you a little bit and if the two previous steps don't work out then you'll have to resort to something more devious. You'll have to break stuff. I'm sorry. It's true. You might not have to break the television -- because that'll probably get you beaten up (it will, trust me -- but you might need to slap a couple of controllers out of hands while your friends try to win the minigames. And that my result in the breaking of controllers.

Any time you see someone winning, stop playing and give their hands a good smack. They won't be expecting it. They'll drop their controller and maybe curse at you or kick you in the shins but who cares. You don't want friends anyway, right? That's the only reason why you're reading this card. You silly, silly fool. They say no man is an island but in regards to Mario Party, everyone is an asshole (especially Alex, you plib)