Monday, December 12, 2016

I Thank You No Ten

Since the holidays are upon us, I thought it might be time for my annual list of:

Ten Things I Do Not Want for Christmas

Assembly Required Objects: I no longer have the ambition, patience or motor skills to fit together nine hundred pieces of chipboard with a thousand little screws that require a special tool that inevitably is missing from the package. Even if it means I can't have a Darth Vader-shaped bookcase (and why would you think I'd want that? Batman is my guy.)

Books That Are Not Books: This includes but is not limited to book safes, book boxes, book-shaped book ends, shelves, stands for other books -- look, I know I love books, but the reading kind, people.

Diet Products: I don't use them. I lost thirty pounds because I became more active, watched my portions and stopped snacking. That's it and that's all I'm doing next year. Heartless of me, I know.

Faux Fur Purses: You don't think they're creepy?

Hairdo Tools: I do not crimp, straighten, curl or blow dry my hair. I wash it and towel/air dry it. If this makes me a cave woman, so be it. I still have more hair than most women my age, so I must be doing something right.

One-Cup Coffee Makers: Sorry, tea drinker. Also, I think they're too expensive, the cup things are weird and (unless you're single or the only coffee drinker in the house) using them is a bit selfish.

Political Junk: Please take your soapbox out of my face and my holiday, thank you.

Satin PJs: If I have to explain this to you, you're too young to know why.

Singing Ornaments: I have about ten million ornaments already, but with my hearing problems when they activate while I'm alone I think someone is in the house with me. I then run out of the house, peer in the windows, debate on calling 911 and generally behave like an idiot. Save me from myself and my lousy eardrums, will you?

5 comments:

I don't want perfume, bath and body products, or makeup. It takes me forever to use the stuff because I have so much. Besides, I barely wear makeup. Also, pajamas of any kind are a no. Books and money are always safe bets because my family has me well pegged when it comes to stories I would enjoy. Not so much with music or clothes.

What don't I want for christmas? My blood relatives coming over. :p I love them to death, but they're also a bunch of homophobic religious nuts who feel justified during christian holidays to "reach out" to the poor, godless fag-face in their midst. :p