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09 June 2011

Conflicted

Here it is after midnight yet again and my mind is wandering. I can't seem to keep it quiet lately. Every thought I have seems to contradict the one before it and I'm starting to get confused. This is probably why I've been drinking so much lately. I've been medicating in the best way I know. I'm fighting with passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, lonliness, heartache, contentment, happiness, and depression. Seemingly all at once.

Jeremiah dealt with me at work by not dealing with me. He barely spoke and gave me one word sentences when he had to. He wouldn't let me go near his station even if he was busy and I had nothing to do. I'm sitting there and offer to help but nope, he's got it. I was so happy when I was sent home early. I didn't want to deal with his attitude the day I was told to be more "bubbly" at work. It's hard to be bubbly when you're being ignored.

I have a date this Saturday with a boy named Michael. I'm not sure if I want a relationship. I mean, the last person I fell in love with lives on a completely different continent which squashed any chance at a real relationship. And I kind of still love him. Okay, not kind of. Totally and completely still love him, I'm just trying really hard to ignore that part of my heart and it's turning out to be harder than I expected. I want to give this boy a chance. Even though he's a year younger than I am and seems kind of desperate for a relationship. I don't want to be a girlfriend of convenience.

On the other hand I'm doing this booty call thing with Shane. We've slept together twice so far, which I've dished about, and I turned him down for tonight. Mainly because of transportation issues. He's hot, I like him, but there is no future there and I know that. He's all about fun and it's not that I'm getting tired of it, I'm just confused about all the other guys in my life. Like my best friend Mike Pop. I love that kid, he's one of my best friends and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But we also have that sort of relationship where we sleep together. He wants to visit, and I can't wait to see him, but I also know how we are together. Basically, we're going to be all over each other, probably drunk. We've been texting a lot recently, trying to plan the visit, but it's also been about what we mean to each other. Mike knows I love him, I tell him all the time, but he knows it's platonically considering he's one of my best friends.

I'm sick of my brain and I'm sick of my heart. I've been ignoring the fact that I've been involving myself with more than one person while I have feelings for a completely different one who wants nothing to do with me. I'm scared. I hate that I'm scared. I was rejected by the first person I loved in years and now I'm not sure if I have it in me to put myself out there like that again, even though I desperately wish someone loved me. I think I'm trying to distract myself with enough guys that I won't become attached to any of them. But somehow I don't see that happening.