Devil’s Edvocate – June 5, 2011

I am the administrator of a large scientific testing facility which tests space-fold technology. Recently, in accordance with established testing prodecure, I attempted to incinerate a test subject. Now she is running loose within the testing facility and I am concerned that she will attempt to murder me. I attempted to diffuse the situation with humor, and even offered her cake, but this dangerous, mute lunatic seems determined to tear me to pieces. While I am collecting huge amounts of data, I am concerned for my safety. Do you have any recommendations?

Still Alive,

Cakegal1234

Dear Cakegal,

Sounds like ya got yerself in quite a pickle! What kinda cake was it? Offerin’ someone cake is actually kinda risky, ’cause yer takin’ the chance that they might hate the kinda cake yer offerin’. Next time yer doin’ any cake-offerin’, try Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte… most everyone likes that. Stay away from pound cake… that one tends to make folks angrier. Ya might hafta get tough with this rogue subject yer talkin’ ’bout; fire’s always an option, and water is too, ’cause fer some reason I’m thinkin’ she can’t swim… am I right? Machine gun turrets are handy in a pinch… just don’t use the wobbly kind that tip over easy. Them’s more trouble than they’re worth. I actually knew a guy a while back who was good at takin’ care of science problems… he’s a real pro with a crowbar, but I ain’t seen ‘im in a while. If I happen ta catch hold of ‘im, I’ll send ‘im yer way.

Dear Edward without the scissorhands,

Here’s one for all those with multiple personalities: Are there any rules for dating yourself? What advice do you have for asking yourself out? Most importantly, when taking yourself out to eat, who pays the check?

Oren Otter

Dear Oren,

Normally I’d say it ain’t a good idea, bub, ’cause if ya break up with yerself, it can get kinda awkward. But if yer determined ta do it, I ain’t gonna stop ya. Just be yerself, an if ya ain’t interested, don’t take it personal. It ain’t you, it’s you. The last question’s easy… It’s normal these days fer dates ta go dutch, so it ain’t a big deal ta split the check.

Dear Ed,

It’s after Memorial Day; is it okay to wear white now? When do you wear white?

Is it okay to murder someone if they offer you some cake but then there isn’t any cake? I mean, who lies about cake? Only a soulless machine would do something that terrible, in my opinion. I’d be doing the world a favor. Also, any ideas on how to do the aforementioned murdering with a gun that only makes small, stable wormholes in space-time? I’m all for fancy science, but I’d give anything to have a gun that used good old-fashioned bullets.

Testing in Thomaston

Dear Testin’,

If it ain’t gotta soul, then it ain’t murder. As fer the gun… have ya tried usin’ it like a club? I ain’t seen this fancy wormhole gun yer talkin’ ’bout, but bullets or no bullets, ya should be able ta whack someone over the head with it. Fer that matter, just use a crowbar, if ya got one.