Monthly Archives: November 2010

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I’ve been feeling kind of torn lately, like both the parts of me want the opposites.

I’m happy, happier than I’ve been in such a long time, and I’m facing a new fear, a fear of the end of my new found happiness, and the only challenge I have is with myself, the part of me whispering in the back of my mind “Do it, it helps.. Just a little deeper.. Leave everything behind.. Come on, it’s what everyone is expecting from you, they don’t need you.”

It takes advantage of my fears, makes me more insecure and doubtful.

I know what is right for me, what I’m expected to do, and what I shouldn’t do, but sometimes even the most sane thought seems insane, it seems so wrong, and it ends with me doubting everything, freaking out, becoming in such a bad mood where I can’t even make the easiest decisions on my own.

Like I can’t even decide if I should go on a walk, I could spend an hour just sitting there thinking about it. It doesn’t matter if I want to go on that walk, no matter what reasons there may be for me wanting to go out.

I usually go out on walks when I have to clear my head, when it’s better to feel empty and hollow than to be in constant confusion and emotional pain, but then again the voice tries to stop me from going out, tries to convince me to take the easy way out, permanently or just by harming myself.

And yes I do give in some times, or I used to, but hopefully I’m over it, I really hope I am, so that it could stop others from worrying about me doing it, and by them not worrying, I would feel much better about myself, then I didn’t disappoint them again.

Usually when I write, I start in my head with sentences before I pick up my computer to write them down before I start writing, and as you’ve probably noticed, I’ve suddenly changed the subject, I do that when I can’t figure out what more to write, like someone just hit the delete button and my head went blank. So I’m sitting here kind of puzzled wondering what my next move will be, how I’m supposed to finish up this post, but no matter how puzzled I get, I always manage to finish up what I’ve started, but only when it comes to writing though.

I wish everything could come as easily to me as writing, it would make everything so much easier, and a hell of a lot simpler to cope with.

When I write I write my emotions out, I make them make sense in some way, I figure out what started it, what set me off, or I just write them out to get rid of them.

It’s my way of escaping, I get lost in a world of words, my own words, where I decide what happens next, wither what I write makes sense or not. So maybe that’s why it’s so much easier to write for me than it is to talk, like I have some sort of control when I write, and when I talk I don’t? I don’t know, but I do know that writing is safer.

They say that the pen is sharper than the sword, and that’s actually true, because if someone stabbed you, or hit you, it would hurt, it would begin to heal until it was gone, but if someone writes something to you, with your name on it for everyone to see, that is cruel, mean and god knows what, it hurts, it hurts inside, and that new wound will take forever to heal, or maybe it won’t heal at all.

I guess those of you who have already been reading my blog for a while would think of my earlier post “Fuck you drama”, and see a connection there to this one, and yeah maybe there are, but I’m not defending myself, because there’s no need to do so, I wrote about someone who meant a lot to me, but betrayed me in the worst way possible just for the sake of attention. But then again, I didn’t write anything mean or cruel, all I did was explaining how I felt about it.

I might have hurt her by writing it, but I really had no intentions to do so, and if I did I’m sorry, but at least I’m sorry about what I did.

Yesterday was one of the worst days in a long time, I felt so insecure, so down, my mood was like a rollarcoaster.

It started with being extremely cold, and I woke up being down, the bus was late, so I was left standing there drowning in my own thoughts, my own insecurity, I waited for 30 minutes(?) before it came, and drowning in your own doubt for 30 minutes or more can’t be good.

When I arrived at college, I just sat by my desk staring out in the air. I cannot really describe the feeling I had, or the thoughts, because I don’t remember much of it, like I’m sort of “protecting” myself from it so it doesn’t happen again.

But I do remember that I thought “I wanna go to sleep and never wake up again..”, and those are the most common thougts I have when I’m down, I wonder if I really can put up with myself anylonger, if it’s better to just give up. But the thing is, I know I can’t give up, I won’t let myself even try to give up, not after last time. I have brothers who need me, I can’t put them through the pain of losing someone. And just imagine how many people that would suffer from the loss, I can’t put them through something like that, I just can’t.

I’m not suicidal, but the truth is that I used to be, I planned it, almost did it twice, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be here, but I can’t keep myself from wondering if the ones I care about would be better off without? I mean, they would’ve had less to worry about, and the last thing I want to do, but I always manage to do, is making others worried.

Today has only just started, and I can’t do anything but hoping that today will be okay, maybe even good, but I’m not getting my hopes up just watch them break right before my eyes.

When I hope, I need to be certain that it’s worth hoping for, that there is an possibility that the outcome is positive, that it’s at least a 80% chanse that it’s positive.

I’m not sure what I’m babbeling about, it seems like I only manage to confuse myself.

Maybe it’s time to once again try to sort out all the different thoughts inside my head, put them back in their boxes and lock them away. God I wish that was possible, but maybe it would just make it worse?

I don’t know, but I’ll leave it like that for now.

I spend the night at my sisters place with her cat sleeping ontop of me, and never have I felt more safe, like someone’s arm around me, keeping me safe, protecting me from whatever I needed to be protected from.

It’s getting more odd than ever, it’s like I challenge myself to see how much I can take before I break down and do something stupid, like I force myself to not do something I should do, something I need to do, just to see how much I can take.

I know I should stop doing it, but the truth is that I’m not aware of it before the damage is done, it’s like I don’t notice what I’m tricking myself into by telling myself that I really don’t want to, while another part of me whispers in the back of my head that I should because I’m committed to it, that I should go because it will make me feel better.

I wasn’t planning on going to school today, but I am, I’m forcing myself to go, no matter how hard the voice tries to tell me that I feel too bad to go to school, that I should stay home, find a bad way of making me feel better but at the same time making me feel worse.

My wrists are clear, no scabs, only darker scars, but I haven’t done anything lately, and I’m happy with it, I’m happy with myself for holding on, not doing anything drastic. But the more I hold on, the stronger the urge to do it is when I’m feeling down. And the voice gets more intense, saying things like “Just do it, it passes quicker, just a little bit, come on, you know you want to, you need to do it, you have to do it.” It’s like it begs me to do it, and telling me that there’s nothing wrong with it.

I missed my appointment with Monica today, and I know it was on purpose wither I wanted to or not. She called me, and the second time I answered, she told me she was worried since I didn’t show, and that really hit me hard, I had made her worried! I felt even worse because that was the one thing I was trying to avoid.

Thousands of things went through my head when she said she was worried, and I wondered, what was she worried about? That I had given up? Or that something had happened to me? What exactly was she worried about I wondered, I still do. I know it’s silly to wonder why people worry about you, I know it’s because they care, but that still doesn’t stop me from wondering.

Well I guess I have to get by arse to school, I just had to write some of it out, and I keep my fingers crossed that I can make it through the day.

There’s so much I should’ve done, that I could’ve done by now, and I’m not sure why I haven’t. Maybe it’s because I just didn’t want to be bothered with it, just pushed further away until I forgot it, and then I remember it again in the last moment, when it’s too late.

I have a problem with commitment, to myself, I always tell myself to do things, but it almost never comes to that point where I actually do it. I think the reason is that I’ve been listening to the voice inside my head for too long, telling me “ Why bother? You won’t do it anyways, it won’t help, it won’t change anything.”

It’s like the “voice” which is really my own doubt questioning everything, looking at things only negative and insecure. It has control over every inch of my life, makes me question everything, everyone.

So my question is, how do you defeat you opponent, when the opponent is yourself?

I know my own weaknesses, and also my strengths, but what difference does it make when I’m supposed to fight myself, gain control again when I’m already in control in one way, but on the other hand I’m not, like I’m parted into two different persons completing each other and making one, me.

The first part, or side of me is the always negative one, questioning and doubting, but most of all, the part that blames itself (which is me) for everything. Putting all the goods things in the shadow, and making me want to hurt myself.

And then you have the second part of me, which is me, the person I am most of the time, the one that other people see, the part being very chatty and making others laugh with random acts or/and bad jokes, the reasonable part, appreciating, holding on for dear life, the reflective one.

I know that if there only was one part of me, the good part as I like to call it, then I wouldn’t been myself, so I guess that the parts come as a package deal with one promise; that I can be myself.

I got an appointment with Monica on Thursday, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to her about this, if I’ll be able to explain to her, make her “understand”. And then again doubt kicks in, doubting that she’ll understand, that I can explain, and the fright of sounding more insane that what I already do.

There are so many questions inside my head, questions I wish I had the answers to, but I don’t, or maybe I do? Maybe I just haven’t found them yet. They say that you have the answers to all your questions inside, so maybe I just have to look “deeper”? Or maybe I’m just not ready to have them yet?

I believe that with every answer you get, you get more questions needing to be answered, and that’s how the circle goes, because one person cannot know everything.

Never lose faith, believe that everything will turn out to be okay, because it will.

﻿What really bothers me is how people always seem to think so negative about themselves, like if they get a compliment they always deny it ”No I’m really not” or ”Right..”

They just won’t see what an incredible and amazing person they really are, how they are needed, and loved just the way they are.

I’m no better, but I’ve learned to accept compliments much easier, and for me that’s a good thing, a sign of improvement.

It’s like when the negative voice sets in, telling you that you’re all flaws, not worth anything, that people deserve better than you. And you start to believe it, and the voice gets replaced with the real you, your real voice telling yourself that you’re no worth.

You only see your flaws, won’t accept that you’re actually good at something, maybe even great. You imprinted it in your own head, telling yourself all those negative things until they become the truth, what you believe is the truth. So yes your mind is a dangerous place to get lost in, and sometimes you can’t even trust yourself.

When flaws are all you see, listen to the people around you telling you that they aren’t flaws, they’re you, they’re your own perfections, what makes you, you. You are perfect the way you are, and nobody is flawless, everyone has imperfections.

Start with small steps, like accepting compliments instead of trying to tell others the opposite, smile and say thank you, believe that they are telling the truth.

Start to believe in the words of others, the positive words, and the compliments. And when people ask you for advice it means you are needed, that you are good at something, like giving advice.

Everyone seems to tell me that everyone has one thing they’re good at, and in my opinion I haven’t found one thing I’m especially good at, but that doesn’t stop me from doing what I love, which is writing and singing, you don’t have to be good or great at something to do it.

Stop thinking that everyone’s so much better than you, because they’re not, and you are good at something; you’re good at being you.

Start telling yourself that you ARE a GOOD person, that you are WORTH something, and you DESERVE to have a GOOD life. Tell yourself small positive things every day, find one thing that’s positive about yourself every day, and remind yourself that thing before you go to sleep. The longer you keep doing this, then slowly you will start to believe in them, just like you did with the negative ones, only this time it’s good for you.

I promise you that it will work, it’s all about your attitude, the way you see things. Start small, and take one step at the time.

It sounds easy, and well it is!

I can assure that you will feel like a complete fool and not believing in what you say to yourself, but if you keep doing it long enough, you will start to believe, your opinion about yourself will change, and you will see yourself in a different light.

Just like if you don’t like maths, and say to yourself “I can’t do it, I don’t understand this!” you won’t understand it because you’ve convinced yourself you can’t, so you can’t.

If you want to make a difference, start with yourself, and only by that you will make the world a better place by helping others passing on this way of changing your ways.

I’ve let my fears control my life, let things go because I was afraid, and the truth is that I still am.

Humans are designed to have feelings, doubt, fear, love, happiness, jealousy, anger, regret. Yet no one has taught us how to deal with all of them, taught us which are which.

There are so many feelings inside one human, one human being, and we are expected to deal with all of them? What if you can’t deal with them? Then what?

The feelings I can deal with are happiness and pain, they’re the complete opposites but in my life they walk hand in hand. You can’t have happiness without a little pain.

You’ve probably discovered that when I write I debate with myself, I sort of talk myself into things without even noticing, like I reflect the good and the bad sides about someone, and try to turn the bad things into positive things.

Like if we’d always been happy, we wouldn’t have been able to appreciate it, because that was the only feeling we knew. We would just take for granted the feeling, the smiles.

So I guess you need all the bad feelings too, to appreciate the good ones, to really feel good, maybe even great about yourself.

//Goolge

When I’m alone, I’m scared, not because it’s scary to be alone, but because it’s harder to fight myself and to concentrate on other things when I’m alone. I’m so scared that I will do something I’ll regret, that the sadness strikes me so hard that I can’t get up, that I can’t resist. I’m scared of myself, my own mind, thoughts, and feelings.

I’ve been great lately, almost no sadness, but when the weekends come, and I’m alone at home, it all falls to pieces and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I usually go to sleep not long after my parents goes out, but I can’t keep doing that, I can’t keep running from my fears, because nothing good can come from it.

Facing your fears, that’s what it’s all about they say, I say, but how on earth can I face this fear alone? I have no idea about how to deal with it, how can I face myself and my feelings when that’s my fear? The fright of not being able to handle feelings, emotions.

Another thing I’ve discovered is that I’ve kept telling myself that I can’t explain things, that it always comes out wrong and causes a misunderstanding, that they won’t understand.

And I’ve kept telling this to myself over and over until it became the truth, and I became shit at explaining because I didn’t believe in myself enough. All I can do now is to put another not up in the mirror and try to make myself believe again, to erase the damage.

And for all you out there that don’t believe in yourself, take up a note and a pen, and put the note up where you always look, write for example “ I believe in myself, or I’m a good person” whatever you want to believe in, repeat it to yourself a few times a day. You will feel stupid doing it, but I can assure you that it does work, and that it will.

I’ve been doing it without even knowing it; I’ve told myself that I look good, and what happened? I go comfortable in my own skin; I gave myself a compliment, and didn’t feel bad about it. Give it a try.