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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

There are Up's and Down's in the Journey

I know it's been May since I last wrote a post, but to be honest things have been rather difficult again. Although a gigantic weight has been lifted off of my shoulders that has been there for almost three years now, I am still struggling with other aspects of my life.

One big dark cloud that has been hanging over my head has been employment. In case you didn't know the position I took in March didn't pan out for various reasons, meaning I'm back to working my two independent businesses, Wildtree and Handmade Heart. Although I'm becoming more active with these businesses by doing things such as selling at Farmers' Markets, I don't believe these businesses will ever be my sole sources of income. This means I need a bill paying job as well, and the search has been less than promising unfortunately. Over qualified, under qualified, not bilingual, problems with background checks, location of the job in relation to me, and over saturation of the job market have all been stumbling blocks. This means that I've had to place an expiration date on my Colorado life. Come January, when my lease expires, if I am not able to support myself, I will need to move back to Kentucky and live with my parents again. It's still not a guarantee that I'll find employment in Kentucky, or that I'll be able to live on a smaller income there. It'll just mean that I won't have the concern of how to pay rent, or utilities every month hanging over my head.

Running, and healthy eating have also fallen a bit by the wayside. Running has fallen out because I just haven't been motivated, and because of a recent scare with a woman being assaulted on the path I normally take. My healthy eating has fallen by the wayside primarily because I've gotten a bit lazy in my eating habits. Making a box of Mac and Cheese is faster than making curried chicken salad with creamed spinach and carrot juice. I'm the first to admit that I really do enjoy eating healthy, I just don't enjoy doing the work to eat healthy. I also need to stop telling myself that just because it's Organic, Whole Wheat Mac and Cheese it's not as bad for me. I recently noticed this lazy tendency in my eating, and I'm slowly trying to correct myself but stress doesn't help healthy eating.

As a result of my stress, I've had anxiety attacks. For those of you who have never had a true anxiety attack allow me to explain. It's not just an overwhelming fear, it's not crying, or feelings helpless. It's literally your body locking up in fear. Your heart beating so fast you can hear the blood rushing in your ears, shaking so much the floor is vibrating, nausea, numbness causing you to literally fall to the floor, muscles tightening so much you can't move them for hours after the attack, and shortness of breath so bad it feels like someone is smothering you with a pillow. There are other symptoms for anxiety attacks, but these are the ones I know from experience. These are the ones that give me paralyzing fear.

I haven't had an anxiety attack since I got home from a trip back to Kentucky to see my friends and family. Before I went back to see them though I was having them pretty regularly...almost weekly. Out of nowhere every emotion hits you, and then you panic, and then the attack begins. For me tears were the first sign, then I couldn't breathe. Living alone, having a panic attack, and not being able to breathe only make the attack that much scarier. Of course your first thought is "I'm dying!" when you have an attack, so being alone you begin to think "I'm going to die alone, and no one is going to know I died till the neighbors call the cops because my rotting body is stinking up the apartment!"

I never said you're rational during these attacks.

Because of these attacks I have sought medical help, and my focus has been on my emotional health and well being. The good news, I have confirmation I'm not crazy!!!! ;-) The bad news, until I gain more control over my emotions and deal with things I need to deal with, having another attack is a real possibility. I've been told I need to reteach my body how to relax, massage, meditation, yoga, hiking, movies, etc. I also have to reteach myself that even though some of these things may cost money, my health is worth the time and money to do them. Again that's hard since money is one of the primary triggers for a panic attack for me.

The point of this post was to give you an update, to remind us all that we're not perfect and always have to keep working at what we want, it's okay to admit that you need help, and sometimes we need to "spoil" ourselves for our own health. I'll try not to be so much of a stranger, but forgive me if I take some me time from the blog-o-sphere to take care of myself. :-)

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"The story of your life has many chapters. One bad chapter doesn't mean it's the end of the book." ~ Unknown

"And I say again, never give up, no matter what is going on around you, never give up." ~ Dalai Lama XIV

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." ~ Orson Welles

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." ~ James Baldwin

"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why." ~ Mark Twain

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." ~ Frank Crane

“Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.” ~ Gandhi

"You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people cant take their eyes off of you." ~ Maya Angelou

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” ~ Unknown

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." ~ Charlie Brown

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~ Christopher Robin to Pooh

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." ~ Albert Einstein

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ~ Dr. Seuss

"You are what you eat, which I guess makes me part mosquito." ~ Kermit The Frog

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." ~ Charlie Brown

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." ~ Walt Disney

"Brick Walls are there for a reason, they let us prove how badly we want things." ~ Randy Pausch

"The fool doth thinks he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." ~ 'As You Like It', Act 5 scene 1

"When I was young my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope still is to leave the world a little bit better for my having been here." ~ Jim Henson

"You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering." ~ Professor Harold Hill in 'The Music Man'

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss