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January 24, 2011

The Anti-Announcement

There are approximately 6 million pregnancies ever year in the United States.

2.1 million women of the same age range are considered “infertile” (unable to become pregnant naturally over the course of 12 months).

An average woman in her mid-20s with excellent reproductive health has approximately a 20-25% chance of becoming pregnant each cycle.

The average couple in their mid-20s will try for five cycles before conceiving.

On average, 20% of couples do not get pregnant in their first year of trying. 95% succeed within two years.

If you had asked me six months ago how a woman conceives, I would have told you step 1) toss out the contraceptives, step 2) get it on till the break of dawn with your main squeeze, step 3) pee on a stick, step 4) baby.

Today, I could give an impromptu presentation on Basal Body Temperature, cervical mucous, various positions that could increase the odds of conceiving, how charting can improve a woman’s understanding of her cycle, what supplements can prolong the luteal phase, and the evils of a blue dye pregnancy test.

Essentially, now I realize how absolutely ignorant I was about how the reproductive system actually functions and what a miracle it is that anyone gets pregnant EVER. If you think you learned anything in that 2-week long unit on Human Reproduction in your high school Health class, I expect you’ve also got a lot to learn.

Six months ago, I thought you either got pregnant or you were infertile. I didn’t think about this secret group of women who were on a long journey of just “trying”. That despite the informal poll I conducted in my head of all the people I knew who went off birth control and got pregnant overnight, statistics show that there is a silent majority who spent months and months on the process before they finally got those two pink lines. It’s just that no one likes to talk about that part.

After one month of trying unsuccessfully, we were disappointed, but still optimistic. Two months in, and my optimism began to wilt. Three months in, I was charting my brains out and “trying” was verging on a military operation. As we enter the fourth month, it’s becoming increasingly difficult not to obsess, and the beginning of every cycle has become an enormous kick in the gut. Particularly when my body has decided to get its jollies by faking pregnancy symptoms like the past three months of near constant nausea and the joys of tender and swollen boobs post-(alleged) ovulation.

I’ve struggled with how much I want to publicly share this journey. It’s certainly a very private struggle for most women, and I think every woman who wants to have children, has this dream of blushingly and joyously announcing to an unexpecting world, that she is pregnant. That biology hasn’t failed her. That conceiving was a magical, dreamlike experience. Not that she cried every time she had to mark the start of a new cycle on a new chart. That she peed on seventeen sticks over the course of a particularly promising week. That she choked down horse-tranquilizer sized supplements on a daily basis. That she spent almost every evening with her hips elevated, hoping fervently that this time it would take.

That every month it didn’t work, and another friend announced her pregnancy, she bought a gift for a baby shower, or held an infant in her arms, she didn’t feel like a complete failure as a woman. Knowing that others have had to endure much greater trials, but recognizing that at a certain point, they probably also clung desperately to the same dwindling hope as she does that this month will be different.

But I feel compelled to share this experience. That there needs to be a voice saying, no, not every woman gets pregnant just from being in the same room as her husband and that is normal. Sometimes it takes time. If you are feeling this sense of defeat, and the world is telling you to “just relax”, you are not alone. I am not alone.

I would never equate what we are going through right now to the struggles of infertility. I know, and hope against hope, chances are good that we just need a few more months and we too will be making our joyful announcement. If it’s true that the average couple spends five cycles trying to conceive, we’re still well inside the window of “average”. But I also know that every month that ticks by puts us closer and closer to a frightening diagnosis. That something real might be wrong. Something that might not be fixable. Something that I’ve been afraid of since the moment I realized some women just can’t make babies.

I’ve spent so many years doing everything within my power to not get pregnant—cooing over other people’s little bundles of joy, then returning thankfully to my child-free life with my freedom to travel, plan a last minute date night, sleep in all day on a weekend, spend a rainy day with a book and silence. I don’t regret a single day of the past years that Colby and I have had to be selfish and to worry only about our own wants and needs. I treasure that time, and every day that goes by without a baby is another day that we can focus on strengthening our own relationship and relishing that freedom. But there is a bitter irony in the fact that for so long we tried so hard not to have a baby, and now that it’s what we want it has become such a struggle.

In a perfect world, this week I would be sitting down right now to write a sappy, but heartfelt, post announcing how thrilled Colby and I are to be entering the second trimester of a pregnancy. Instead, there is this. My truth. Still somewhere deep below all of the pessimism, there is that belief that our time will come. Maybe this month. Maybe next month. Maybe in a year. And the slimmest of silver linings is that now we know for certain, when our time comes, we will be two of the happiest, most thankful, and excited future parents the world has ever known. And I know in my heart that all of this sadness, frustration and disappointment will have been so worth it.

Wow, thank you. This is a great post. I wish I wrote it myself before we slipped from "just trying" to "infertile" - you are definitely not alone but I know it can feel that way, and it will keep feeling that way if we don't all talk about it.

I give you major props for your positivity and insight into this whole situation, even though it's not your ideal scenario. You're right, it's not always as easy as just throwing out the condoms, and you're proof to the fact that you never know what's going to happen until you try. But, just like you do, (and even though I'm sort of a complete stranger...heh) I have complete faith that you have a wonderful journey ahead of you to becoming a mother, even if it's not exactly how it was planned in your mind. Try not to stress and stay positive just like you already are. And thanks for sharing your experience thus far, I know that it is going to really touch so many people.

Hugs Angela. And I'm sorry you guys are going through this trying period. Like someone else said, I'm not trying right now, but I do have those fears as well. It makes me wonder sometimes, how some people get pregnant by accident by trying to avoid getting pregnant, while for others it takes time. Wishing you guys positive baby vibes! Hugs.

Amen amen amen! I was a part of that silent majority, too. It took us four-five months of SOLID HARDCORE CHARTING trying before we got this baby. But there were months before that where we weren't doing the supplements and the charting and the mucus and were just having lots of sex at the right time of month, and nothing. And every month, I cried. I HATED it. Still, we did, blessedly, get our baby. But I'll never take it for granted again.

I'm praying for you, girl. Let me know if I can help in any way. I've been just where you are. With all those same fears. I'm here if you need me. heck, we live in the same town! I'll come cry with you if you need it!

Dude. ME TOO. I know I've commented before telling you that we were about to start trying, as well (after we got married on your birthday, coincidentally!). The first month was a no-go, despite, like you said, those multiple phantom pregnancy symptoms. And in the last 2 months, I feel like I now know more about cervical mucus, position, ovulation testing, and disappointing pregnancy testing than I ever thought possible. I know it's still *very* early, but I have to admit, I was holding out some hope that it would just 'happen' that first go around. And while I know the statistics, I can't help but have that nervous voice that thinks, what if there is SOMEthing wrong and we'll try with no luck forever? Sigh. Over-dramatic much? :) Anywho...I'm with you. In the same spot, just about, what, 2 months behind? Good luck to you guys!!

Wow. Your post articulates some of my own fears for when the time is right for my husband and I to begin trying to have a baby. You and your husband have my very best wishes for health and happiness, and I hope you are able to make that joyous announcement very soon.

I can COMPLETELY empathize with how you feel! My husband and I "tried" for six months before we were blessed with the second pink line (actually, it was blue and because I had heard about false positives with blue dye tests, of course I tried a digital four hours later). :)

Hang in there - it's AWESOME that you've already got the charting down and you can hopefully see a pattern in your cycle by now. I didn't start charting till month 4 and I wished I had done it earlier because I realized I was likely ovulating earlier than I had realized.

Also, because I always liked hearing what "worked" for others, this is what I did the month we conceived: ate foods high in vitamin B through the whole month (fortified cereals, bananas), drank Green tea days 1 to 12, and did the BD every other day or so. I got a negative test result on 12DPO, but a positive one at 15DPO.

((hugs)) and thanks for posting - it makes me crazy when people say they got pregnant the first month "trying", but when you really start asking questions, they hadn't been using protection for 6 months prior... ummmmm - that means you "tried" for six months!

I'm sure you figured you might hear from me on this one! If there was one thing I learned on our 2 year TTC journey...it was that there isn't one thing to learn. This experience is COMPLETELY out of your control. You are going to resent your body for not doing what it was biologically wired to do. I'm proud of you for voicing your frustrations. I didn't start talking to anyone about it until after a year...after I'd heard "oh, you just don't want to have a baby because you don't want to get fat!" a dozen times...after being told I would not be able to concieve without help....deciding no IVF, considering adoption, then considering IVF. Once I started talking to others, I realized there are more of us who do not get pregnant the first go around. And we are normal. And it will just make you treasure your little bundle that much more. Hang in there cuz...and if you have ANY questions, I'm here for you. I pretty much have a two-year degree in fertility!
Love you.

Angela,
I am so sorry and I cannot imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Just in our 1 month of trying it was enough to make me obsessed. And I think about you every time I see a new baby is born, or a new pregnancy is announced- I can imagine how hard that would be. I know that a few months seems like FOREVER right now, and I won't try to make it sound easier than it is, because every single HOUR felt like a year when I didn't know if I was pregnant or not. I KNOW it will happen for you, and it will be soon, and I cannot WAIT for you to be pregnant, also. Just think- you won't have to be 9 months pregnant in the middle of the summer like me, though- THANK GOD for that! I'm sure you have "Taking Charge of your Fertility", but if not, I have it that you could borrow. My only advice that I hear over and over is "don't let yourself get to stressed out about it", as impossible as that is. It can make your journey harder and longer than it needs to be. GOOD LUCK, girl! I am praying for a healthy baby in your uterus, STAT! =)

Don't forget to enjoy the sex. Yes, it's a means to an end, but the process isn't any less important than the end goal. I sound like Dr. Ruth or something. I'm creeping myself out.

The truth is, I wonder all the time if we'll finally get started in that direction in a couple of years and then all of a sudden when we're ready, something else isn't. And I don't know how I'll feel about that.

Thank you for sharing, Angela! It's a brave step to "go public" with this process. For most of my adult life, I haven't thought much about how easy/not easy it would be to get pregnant. I thought it would just be a given. But now that I'm 30, and am still several years away from even THINKING about having children, it's on my mind constantly. It terrifies me to think that I might have difficulty. But I have 3 very close friends who've all struggled with getting pregnant, and all 3 of them are pregnant right now (it took almost 2 years for one of them). So I hope that you have a happy ending to your story, too. Thinking of you!

I know it's more difficult planning around deployments, but in reality 4-5 months is NOTHING in the conceiving process. And, to add to Old Warrior...'then came 2 more beautiful baby girls'! And, like Kendra said, it is out of your control. And, the more you stress and worry about it, the harder it will be for your body to cooperate in the process. I know it's cliche', but RELAX...don't freak out at the 4-5 month mark, it's really not THAT long! I love you!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is SO frustrating. I was seriously shocked when I finally got around to reading TCOYF... I mean, my high school health teacher made it sound like if you Did It once without three different types of contraception you were guaranteed to get pregnant. And then I read that book, and basically I'm now amazed that anyone is ever able to get pregnant without a live-in medical team.

I can only imagine that the timing is more difficult when you're working around deployments... my fingers will be crossed for you guys!

Thank you for bravely sharing this with the bloggy world. You are so right, your story is not totally unique. But I know that doesn't make this struggle less difficult for you guys. In the silver lining department, you're learning, growing and preparing for whatever the future holds with grace and gratitude. And that is totally inspiring.