Chapter 15

"SUCH was the history of my beloved cottagers. It impressed me
deeply. I learned, from the views of social life which it developed,
to admire their virtues, and to deprecate the vices of mankind.

"As yet I looked upon crime as a distant evil; benevolence and
generosity were ever present before me, inciting within me a desire to
become an actor in the busy scene where so many admirable qualities
were called forth and displayed. But, in giving an account of the
progress of my intellect, I must not omit a circumstance which
occurred in the beginning of the month of August of the same year.

"One night, during my accustomed visit to the neighbouring wood,
where I collected my own food, and brought home firing for my
protectors, I found on the ground a leathern portmanteau, containing
several articles of dress and some books. I eagerly seized the
prize, and returned with it to my hovel. Fortunately the books were
written in the language the elements of which I had acquired at the
cottage; they consisted of Paradise Lost, a volume of Plutarch's
Lives, and the Sorrows of Werter. The possession of these treasures
gave me extreme delight; I now continually studied and exercised my
mind upon these histories, whilst my friends were employed in their
ordinary occupations.

"I can hardly describe to you the effect of these books. They
produced in me an infinity of new images and feelings that sometimes
raised me to ecstasy, but more frequently sunk me into the lowest
dejection. In the Sorrows of Werter, besides the interest of its
simple and affecting story, so many opinions are canvassed, and so
many lights thrown upon what had hitherto been to me obscure subjects,
that I found in it a never-ending source of speculation and
astonishment. The gentle and domestic manners it described, combined
with lofty sentiments and feelings, which had for their object
something out of self, accorded well with my experience among my
protectors, and with the wants which were for ever alive in my own
bosom. But I thought Werter himself a more divine being than I had
ever beheld or imagined; his character contained no pretension, but it
sunk deep. The disquisitions upon death and suicide were calculated to
fill me with wonder. I did not pretend to enter into the merits of the
case, yet I inclined towards the opinions of the hero, whose
extinction I wept, without precisely understanding it.

"As I read, however, I applied much personally to my own
feelings and condition. I found myself similar, yet at the same time
strangely unlike to the beings concerning whom I read, and to whose
conversation I was a listener. I sympathised with, and partly
understood them, but I was unformed in mind; I was dependent on none
and related to none. 'The path of my departure was free'; and there
was none to lament my annihilation. My person was hideous and my
stature gigantic. What did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence
did I come? What was my destination? These questions continually
recurred, but I was unable to solve them.

"The volume of Plutarch's Lives, which I possessed, contained
the histories of the first founders of the ancient republics. This
book had a far different effect upon me from the Sorrows of Werter.
I learned from Werter's imaginations despondency and gloom: but
Plutarch taught me high thoughts; he elevated me above the wretched
sphere of my own reflections to admire and love the heroes of past
ages. Many things I read surpassed my understanding and experience.
I had a very confused knowledge of kingdoms, wide extents of
country, mighty rivers, and boundless seas. But I was perfectly
unacquainted with towns, and large assemblages of men. The cottage
of my protectors had been the only school in which I had studied human
nature; but this book developed new and mightier scenes of action. I
read of men concerned in public affairs, governing or massacring their
species. I felt the greatest ardour for virtue rise within me, and
abhorrence for vice, as far as I understood the signification of those
terms, relative as they were, as I applied them, to pleasure and
pain alone. Induced by these feelings, I was of course led to admire
peaceable lawgivers, Numa, Solon, and Lycurgus, in preference to
Romulus and Theseus. The patriarchal lives of my protectors caused
these impressions to take a firm hold on my mind; perhaps, if my first
introduction to humanity had been made by a young soldier, burning for
glory and slaughter, I should have been imbued with different
sensations.

"But Paradise Lost excited different and far deeper emotions. I
read it, as I had read the other volumes which had fallen into my
hands, as a true history. It moved every feeling of wonder and awe
that the picture of an omnipotent God warring with his creatures was
capable of exciting. I often referred the several situations, as their
similarity struck me, to my own. Like Adam, I was apparently united by
no link to any other being in existence; but his state was far
different from mine in every other respect. He had come forth from the
hands of God a perfect creature, happy and prosperous, guarded by
the especial care of his Creator; he was allowed to converse with, and
acquire knowledge from, beings of a superior nature: but I was
wretched, helpless, and alone. Many times I considered Satan as the
fitter emblem of my condition; for often, like him, when I viewed
the bliss of my protectors, the bitter gall of envy rose within me.

"Another circumstance strengthened and confirmed these feelings.
Soon after my arrival in the hovel, I discovered some papers in the
pocket of the dress which I had taken from your laboratory. At first I
had neglected them; but now that I was able to decipher the characters
in which they were written, I began to study them with diligence. It
was your journal of the four months that preceded my creation. You
minutely described in these papers every step you took in the progress
of your work; this history was mingled with accounts of domestic
occurrences. You, doubtless, recollect these papers. Here they are.
Everything is related in them which bears reference to my accursed
origin; the whole detail of that series of disgusting circumstances
which produced it is set in view; the minutest description of my
odious and loathsome person is given, in language which painted your
own horrors and rendered mine indelible. I sickened as I read.
'Hateful day when I received life!' I exclaimed in agony. 'Accursed
creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned
from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring,
after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more
horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan had his companions,
fellow-devils, to admire and encourage him; but I am solitary and
abhorred.'

"These were the reflections of my hours of despondency and
solitude; but when I contemplated the virtues of the cottagers,
their amiable and benevolent dispositions, I persuaded myself that
when they should become acquainted with my admiration of their
virtues, they would compassionate me, and overlook my personal
deformity. Could they turn from their door one, however monstrous, who
solicited their compassion and friendship? I resolved, at least not to
despair, but in every way to fit myself for an interview with them
which would decide my fate. I postponed this attempt for some months
longer; for the importance attached to its success inspired me with
a dread lest I should fail. Besides, I found that my understanding
improved so much with every day's experience that I was unwilling to
commence this undertaking until a few more months should have added to
my sagacity.

"Several changes, in the meantime, took place in the cottage.
The presence of Safie diffused happiness among its inhabitants; and
I also found that a greater degree of plenty reigned there. Felix
and Agatha spent more time in amusement and conversation, and were
assisted in their labours by servants. They did not appear rich, but
they were contented and happy; their feelings were serene and
peaceful, while mine became every day more tumultuous. Increase of
knowledge only discovered to me more clearly what a wretched outcast I
was. I cherished hope, it is true; but it vanished when I beheld my
person reflected in water, or my shadow in the moonshine, even as that
frail image and that inconstant shade.

"I endeavoured to crush these fears, and to fortify myself for the
trial which in a few months I resolved to undergo; and sometimes I
allowed my thoughts, unchecked by reason, to ramble in the fields of
Paradise, and dared to fancy amiable and lovely creatures sympathising
with my feelings, and cheering my gloom; their angelic countenances
breathed smiles of consolation. But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed
my sorrows, nor shared my thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam's
supplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned
me: and, in the bitterness of my heart, I cursed him.

"Autumn passed thus. I saw, with surprise and grief, the leaves
decay and fall, and nature again assume the barren and bleak
appearance it had worn when I first beheld the woods and the lovely
moon. Yet I did not heed the bleakness of the weather; I was better
fitted by my conformation for the endurance of cold than heat. But
my chief delights were the sight of the flowers, the birds, and all
the gay apparel of summer; when those deserted me, I turned with
more attention towards the cottagers. Their happiness was not
decreased by the absence of summer. They loved, and sympathised with
one another; and their joys, depending on each other, were not
interrupted by the casualties that took place around them. The more
I saw of them, the greater became my desire to claim their
protection and kindness; my heart yearned to be known and loved by
these amiable creatures: to see their sweet looks directed towards
me with affection was the utmost limit of my ambition. I dared not
think that they would turn them from me with disdain and horror. The
poor that stopped at their door were never driven away. I asked, it is
true, for greater treasures than a little food or rest: I required
kindness and sympathy; but I did not believe myself utterly unworthy
of it.

"The winter advanced, and an entire revolution of the seasons
had taken place since I awoke into life. My attention, at this time,
was solely directed towards my plan of introducing myself into the
cottage of my protectors. I revolved many projects; but that on
which I finally fixed was, to enter the dwelling when the blind old
man should be alone. I had sagacity enough to discover that the
unnatural hideousness of my person was the chief object of horror with
those who had formerly beheld me. My voice, although harsh, had
nothing terrible in it; I thought, therefore, that if, in the
absence of his children, I could gain the good-will and mediation of
the old De Lacey, I might, by his means, be tolerated by my younger
protectors.

"One day, when the sun shone on the red leaves that strewed the
ground, and diffused cheerfulness, although it denied warmth, Safie,
Agatha, and Felix departed on a long country walk, and the old man, at
his own desire, was left alone in the cottage. When his children had
departed, he took up his guitar, and played several mournful but sweet
airs, more sweet and mournful than I had ever heard him play before.
At first his countenance was illuminated with pleasure, but, as he
continued, thoughtfulness and sadness succeeded; at length, laying
aside the instrument, he sat absorbed in reflection.

"My heart beat quick; this was the hour and moment of trial
which would decide my hopes or realise my fears. The servants were
gone to a neighbouring fair. All was silent in and around the cottage:
it was an excellent opportunity; yet, when I proceeded to execute my
plan, my limbs failed me, and I sank to the ground. Again I rose; and,
exerting all the firmness of which I was master, removed the planks
which I had placed before my hovel to conceal my retreat. The fresh
air revived me, and, with renewed determination, I approached the door
of their cottage.

"I knocked. 'Who is there?' said the old man -- 'Come in.'

"I entered; 'Pardon this intrusion,' said I: 'I am a traveller
in want of a little rest; you would greatly oblige me if you would
allow me to remain a few minutes before the fire.'

"'Enter,' said De Lacey; 'and I will try to relieve your wants;
but, unfortunately, my children are from home, and, as I am blind, I
am afraid I shall find it difficult to procure food for you.'

"'Do not trouble yourself, my kind host, I have food; it is warmth
and rest only that I need.'

"I sat down, and a silence ensued. I knew that every minute was
precious to me, yet I remained irresolute in what manner to commence
the interview; when the old man addressed me --

"'By your language, stranger, I suppose you are my countryman -- are
you French?'

"'No; but I was educated by a French family, and understand that
language only. I am now going to claim the protection of some friends,
whom I sincerely love, and of whose favour I have some hopes.'

"'Are they Germans?'

"'No, they are French. But let us change the subject. I am an
unfortunate and deserted creature; I look around, and I have no
relation or friend upon earth. These amiable people to whom I go
have never seen me, and know little of me. I am full of fears; for
if I fail there, I am an outcast in the world for ever.'

"'Do not despair. To be friendless is indeed to be unfortunate;
but the hearts of men, when unprejudiced by any obvious self-interest,
are full of brotherly love and charity. Rely, therefore, on your
hopes; and if these friends are good and amiable, do not despair.'

"'They are kind -- they are the most excellent creatures in the
world; but, unfortunately, they are prejudiced against me. I have good
dispositions; my life has been hitherto harmless, and in some degree
beneficial; but a fatal prejudice clouds their eyes, and where they
ought to see a feeling and kind friend, they behold only a
detestable monster.'

"'That is indeed unfortunate; but if you are really blameless,
cannot you undeceive them?'

"'I am about to undertake that task; and it is on that account
that I feel so many overwhelming terrors. I tenderly love these
friends; I have, unknown to them, been for many months in the habits
of daily kindness towards them; but they believe that I wish to injure
them, and it is that prejudice which I wish to overcome.'

"'Where do these friends reside?'

"'Near this spot.'

"The old man paused, and then continued, 'If you will unreservedly
confide to me the particulars of your tale, I perhaps may be of use in
undeceiving them. I am blind, and cannot judge of your countenance,
but there is something in your words which persuades me that you are
sincere. I am poor, and an exile; but it will afford me true
pleasure to be in any way serviceable to a human creature.'

"'Excellent man! I thank you, and accept your generous offer.
You raise me from the dust by this kindness; and I trust that, by your
aid, I shall not be driven from the society and sympathy of your
fellow-creatures.'

"'Heaven forbid! even if you were really criminal; for that can
only drive you to desperation, and not instigate you to virtue. I also
am unfortunate; I and my family have been condemned, although
innocent: judge, therefore, if I do not feel for your misfortunes.'

"'How can I thank you, my best and only benefactor? From your lips
first have I heard the voice of kindness directed towards me; I
shall be for ever grateful; and your present humanity assures me of
success with those friends whom I am on the point of meeting.'

"'May I know the names and residence of those friends?'

"I paused. This, I thought, was the moment of decision, which
was to rob me of, or bestow happiness on me forever. I struggled
vainly for firmness sufficient to answer him, but the effort destroyed
all my remaining strength; I sank on the chair, and sobbed aloud. At
that moment I heard the steps of my younger protectors. I had not a
moment to lose; but, seizing the hand of the old man, I cried, 'Now is
the time! -- save and protect me! You and your family are the friends
whom I seek. Do not you desert me in the hour of trial!'

"'Great God!' exclaimed the old man, 'who are you?'

"At that instant the cottage door was opened, and Felix, Safie,
and Agatha entered. Who can describe their horror and consternation on
beholding me? Agatha fainted; and Safie, unable to attend to her
friend, rushed out of the cottage. Felix darted forward, and with
supernatural force tore me from his father, to whose knees I clung: in
a transport of fury, he dashed me to the ground and struck me
violently with a stick. I could have torn him limb from limb, as a
lion rends the antelope. But my heart sunk within me as with bitter
sickness, and I refrained. I saw him on the point of repeating his
blow, when, overcome by pain and anguish, I quitted the cottage and in
the general tumult escaped unperceived to my hovel.