They demonstrate the neuropsychology of attachment – how we trust or don’t trust love, the world and our partners – and how it all goes back to our first 2 years of life and imprinting.

He says something strong:

When we get married, we should say, more or less…

“Do you take this pain the ass to be your wife/husband – with all his/her wounds, ex-relationships, fears, triggers, bad parenting in childhood and anxieties?”

No more starry-eyed beginnings of love relationships any more.

No expectations of perfection.

No disappointment when your partner turns out to be human…

I mean flawed…

I mean human.

This isn’t the 1950’s.

The information is out there.

People have a voice that didn’t used to have a voice.

Things no longer happen behind closed doors.

The internet has given us windows into all those dark rooms of the soul.

But that’s not all bad news…

True intimacy BEGINS at those trigger points when one of you gets angry, frustrated, disappointed, ashamed, crestfallen, reminded of old patterns that hurt.

It doesn’t END there.

Is it easy to navigate these moments of wounding and anger?

Nope!

Is it work?

Nope?

Is it effort?

Absolutely.

I like to frame this effort as play rather than work.

Specifically, SKILLED PLAY!

As in – “okay, here we stand. Two flawed individuals with our own trigger points, our own defensiveness, our own secret shames of not being enough…. LETS PLAY! Bring it on and let’s use the fire of this moment to heal old wounds.”

With love, people aren’t meant to be convenient.

People are meant to be whole beings – complex, delightful, with deep wells of both pain and resourcefulness.

Play for the win/win.

And love will grow.

Tomorrow, I will talk about a second important thing I learned, this one on how we CHOOSE lovers and partners in life.