Monthly Archives: November 2017

I am hoping to use developing Plan B as a form of recreation. Since at the moment the need for it is not imminent, I can approach it as an intellectual game, which is something I cannot do effectively when the need is real. So far I have determined that in reasonable neighbourhoods, I can afford a room with my own bathroom, with little to spare for necessities. Compared to homelessness, this would look good. So bottom line, not homeless, worst case scenario averted. This is a good starting point. I hope to work up from there.

I anticipate rage management is looming as one of my imminent challenges, I am up for it.

This morning I scrubbed the new floor in the the few remaining areas near the door to the basement, that have not received floor polish. After supper tonight Attila will move the refrigerator and stove, I will scrub the floor there, and he will apply the floor polish after the floor dries. It needs two coats, which will take up the entire evening, and the kitchen will not be accessible until tomorrow morning, at which time the appliances will go back where they belong. After that the only thing left to do is install the metal strips that get screwed onto the floor at the door transition points, to the flooring in the other rooms. It should be done and dusted by Friday night.

The day began with blue skies and bright sunshine, but now, mid-afternoon, the wind has come up and the sky has clouded over. It is still above freezing, and when I went out to collect the mail a slight drizzle was coming down. Still, for the last day of November, this is magnificent weather we are having.

I was just looking at images of the Duke of Cambridge and his family. They spend a lot of time attending events, in the public eye. And I thought to myself, that must be very tiring, how do they manage to appear relaxed and friendly all the time. Then I remembered that no one is allowed to be rude, or aggressive, or nasty to them, there are protections in place so that at every social event they are received with courtesy, and most often friendly smiles and polite conversation. How different that is from the public eye on the performer, who faces hecklers, some very rude behaviour, and is concerned with pleasing the crowd with their actual talent, not just their presence and their smiles; I think artistic performers are much more challenged to remain open and relaxed, while on parade, than the Royals… and meet the challenge, most of the time, but not always!

I attended a Bob Dylan concert that proved that an artist does not always rise to the challenge of treating the public in an open and relaxed way… a very disappointing concert. Sorry we pissed you off Bob. When you sold tickets we imagined you were into being on stage and singing to an audience.

It is an odd period of time. When I am busy with something, I forget that Attila wanted to move out, and everything seems as it was, for a brief period of time. Then suddenly it doesn’t seem the same at all, something feels wrong, and I feel awful. Back and forth and back and forth. Of course, when I think about it, rather than feel, I know that things have altered, but that it might be for the better in the long-term, and of course it might not be for the better in the long-term, but so far I am feeling hopeful about a positive outcome.

Today I am scrubbing down the kitchen floor, getting it ready for the polish. I found a product, GEM, from a janitorial supply place, in the town where Attila works. He is picking up a jug of it after work today. I am scrubbing with Pine Sol, and the house has a distinct institutional smell, not unpleasant, not homey or cozy.

I am also writing my feelings in a private journal space, not online, where I can write anything that comes into my head. This helps me to express the hurt and anger, which are intense, but not fully realized right now.

I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.

When I divorced my first husband I was left alone with two children to raise. I was a very busy woman, as I was working on my PhD at the time. My kids and career kept me engaged most of the time, with not a lot of time for processing my feelings. It was a time of great optimism as well though, I was leaving a toxic relationship, and realistically expected to have a very good career. I was much younger and had much more of my life to look forward to, and my youthful health to buoy me up with confidence that I could become self-sufficient. I remember feeling the loss though, the feeling of being completely alone in the world with all that responsibility, it was a deep and gnawing feeling that I soldiered through.

This situation with Attila has been very different, it has been much, much more difficult. The relationship is not toxic. I was losing my best friend, my home, all the things I thought would be familiar as I grew older. My world was literally exploding out from under me. It would have been easier if Attila had died, rather than him deciding not to spend his life with me. I would have had the continued memory of a loving friend if he had died, you don’t get that when your spouse decides to move out and leave you.

So there is a new fear in my life, one that I feel deeply. I can only hope that it fades with time. In the meantime I must prevent that fear from heading underground, keep it in sight, check on it from time to time, it could fester otherwise.

As for Attila and I, we interact as always most of the time, and then that falls away and the terrible, terrible mistake sits in the room with us and won’t be ignored. Sometimes it is me that it sits with first, sometimes it is Attila. Regardless, when it takes a seat it has our attention. I am hoping that too will fade away with time.

I have also been feeling blessed. My loved ones and friends have gathered around me in a circle of caring that touches me to the core of my being. It sustained me through the first two terrible days, and the warmth continues as a cocoon of safety. It is a wonderful feeling. Thank you, thank you, all. Love is no small thing.

Attila called this morning in a panic and announced that he had made a terrible, terrible mistake. When he got home from work he talked and talked and talked, bottom line is that he thinks he had a mid-life meltdown. So, as far as I can tell we are back on the path together, but will need some time to heal from this very big, terrible, terrible mistake. Very big, very terrible, terrible.

My friends and loved ones have been interacting with me over the last two days, and I cannot say how much this has meant to me in my time of great distress. I feel so loved, so connected to you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love Maggie

I had a completely sleepless night, and feel awful this morning. Attila left for work an hour early, he is avoiding eye contact now. He is making arrangements today to rent a room to move into, not sure when he will move out, probably soon. He has a lot of good intentions on making sure I am OK, few of which will be real, mostly in-the-moment guilt driven, that has no lasting power.

I looked at real estate this morning because I will have to move, as this is the marital home and has to be sold. I cried. The only unit I had any chance at having enough money for was falling apart, heated with expensive electricity, and in a neighbourhood where there were shooting deaths a few months ago. I would be on my own there, and couldn’t afford to renovate at all. Not desirable. I looked at rental units and they cost more than my income, so that won’t work either. My thinking has not yet adjusted to the reality of a small pension, in this first pass looking for a place to live.

I spent part of the night looking for a support group for coping with divorce, only paid options available, and those are private sessions, which I don’t want, I want to sit with a group of people who are experiencing the same thing! I joined an online group, but that is not face-to-face, which is the kind of contact I am fighting to keep in my life.

I sent the news to my Mom, my sisters, and my daughters. They were all deeply shocked and saddened. They have been verbally supportive.

My real challenge today is to eat. Yesterday I was nauseous at every bite I attempted. All I could get down was a slice of bread with peanut butter, but I have to do a lot better than that.

Day two doesn’t seem any easier than day one so far. I still can’t take it in, that this is really happening.

Since I have no one here to talk to, now, or later, or ever, I think I will allow myself to write here, it helps a bit.