Monty Python Scripts

Schoolboys' Life Assurance Company

The cast:

HEADMASTER

Michael Palin

STEBBINS

Eric Idle

BALDERSTON

Terry Gilliam

TIDWELL

Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Cut to a headmaster's study.)

Headmaster: Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door;
it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right,
it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a
unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full
cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were
attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week
the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.

Stebbins: It was Tidwell's idea, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by
the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Stebbins: Thank you, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of
extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop! l made it
quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these
massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that
clear, Balderston?

Balderston: Yes, sir.

Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a
'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exert form
from Mr. Dibley.

Balderston: Sorry, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I
called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble
with her,.. er... with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit
of attention, Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence)
Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises
hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want you to cut
along and have a look at the wife.

Tidwell: Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a
gynecologist.

Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!

Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a
gynecologist?

Stebbins:(very reluctantly) Yes, sir.

Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?

Stebbins:(muttering into his shoes) Thirty
guineas, sir.

Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to
see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the
results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!