The
other day I was lying around with a friend discussing my less-than-stellar
dating life and wondering what it would be like if I expended
all that time doing something useful, like eating. At one
point during the conversation she looked at me very knowingly
and asked the question I have heard from more than one person
on more than one occasion, “Why don’t you just turn gay?”
This is asked like sexual orientation is a knob on the stove
that keeps the cookies from burning.

I know this is asked in jest most of the time. Well, it is
asked in jest at least half the time. There are other times
when my friends understand my complete and total fascination
with boobs and complex thinking patterns and wish for me to
parlay that into a successful relationship. They also love
me dearly and wish for me to find happiness, whether this
be with someone with boobs or not.

The other day after being presented with this question for
the umpteenth time, I really began contemplating the consequences
of changing my sexual orientation. In doing this, I discovered
there were quite a few reasons I didn’t think this would work
out.

I’d like to share with you the top 10 reasons why I’ve decided
not to be gay.

1. I find it necessary, for my own self-esteem issues, that
Karl Rove like me.

2. I’m already a little paranoid. If I thought there was an
entire “coalition” founded to effectively stamp out my relationship
status, I would probably have a psychotic break and build
an underground bunker where I stored lots of canned peaches
and batteries.

3. It would be way too 1991 of me. There’s always at least
one era when everything becomes trendy for a while, even being
gay. I don’t do trendy.

4. I don’t think I would do well living in a country that
is currently attempting to amend a 200-year-old government
document, just to make sure I can’t get a tax break or tell
my partner I wish to be with them forever. If I were gay I
might actually feel compelled to freak out about this, publicly
and with much enthusiasm, because I abhor hypocrisy. I just
don’t have the time to be doing that since I grew my hair
out.

5. Matthew Shepard. I would never be able to comprehend the
level of ignorance visited upon me by people who believe they
are “right” because “God said so.” I don’t think I’m strong
enough to live with the possibility of death simply because
of the gender of my partner.

6. Protesting has just gotten to be such a bore.

7. I spent most of my adolescent life fighting for the right
to breathe among my peers because I was an ugly kid. I thought
that when I was over 25, and infinitely better looking, this
fight would cease. If I were gay, this fight would never cease,
and the flashbacks from 4th-grade physical education class
would only get more frightening.

8. I’m already a woman. This one fact automatically puts me
at a disadvantage. If old, white, straight men rule the world,
why in Buddha’s name would I purposely take a another step
away from that paradigm, effectively removing what personal
power I have achieved thus far? There are enough logs at the
base of this stake already, thank you.

9. How strange would it be to turn on the news and realize
that your love life is a major topic of discussion and is
up for vote in the next election? Because, while there is
a war going on in which lots of innocent people are being
killed, I think this might anger me to a point where I couldn’t
function. I don’t do “angry” well. It puts lines on my face
and causes bad wardrobe decisions.

10. I have a tendency to want to kick people in the face when
they tell me I am “going to hell.” If you think that is the
one thing that is going to send me there, then you definitely
weren’t around for all of 2001 when I was dating two men and
working in the corporate world. I find it offensive you would
assume I wouldn’t have better escapades in my past to earn
me an audience with the Evil One other than something as silly
as whether I dated a man or woman at some point in my life.
I hate it when people underestimate me.

The more I read that list, the more I resign myself to a fate
of heterosexual relationships and protected rights. I never
did persecution well. The closest I got to feeling unfairly
treated was when I played Mary Magdalene in Jesus Christ
Superstar and was called a whore every day by the rest
of the cast. I was the only Mary Magdalene in history that
spent most of her time off stage left moaning, “Why don’t
they like me? I just washed his feet.”

You know, speaking of all that persecution, it makes me wonder
why anyone would ever “choose” that. Doesn’t make a whole
hell of a lot of sense, does it?

While I’m at it, why don’t I choose to be African-American
during the 1960s in Mississippi?