Open Letter to Web Series Hacks

It is by now clear that most of you have no actual ideas. Not that the ideas you choose to film are bad; they are nonexistent. Ownership of a camera should not be the key factor in deciding to film a television series for the world.

Imagine that the people on the other end would have to pay to see your antics. Are they worth it then? Ah, but you say it’s free, and so it can be complete shit: no harm, no foul. Not so. Time is not free: ask anyone who is paid by the hour. Yourself, perhaps.

Ninety percent of you should not be allowed to write. You don’t get it. You don’t have any sense of drama, or any actual intelligence on display at all, period, whatsoever. It’s shockingly pathetic, and perhaps evidence of the complete collapse of Western education. Forgetting the terrible acting, lighting and audio, these are clearly bad ideas right from the script stage.

You are not funny. Even if you manage to crack a smile, it is only funny the first time, not the sixth. By that point your entire crew should be lined up and executed. Is any of this sinking in? I can be a bit too subtle sometimes.

Dumb twenty-somethings babbling about their fake vapid lives is not drama. It is not interesting. YOU are not interesting. Filming your uninteresting attempts at levity remains uninteresting despite any wishing to the contrary.

Good writing requires a good writer. It really is that simple. You are not that person. You will never be that person. Ever. You lack the sensibility, the life experience, the humor, the knack for dramatic structure. You lack all of it, and so you and your ilk simply parrot bad television cliches that you saw as a kid. The horror of this is that there are another thousand of you right next door, one Youtube channel up.

Your generation and the one before were sold a bill of goods that there exists something called “entertainment” some plastic, mindless product where communication of complex ideas and genuine artistic merit do not factor in at all. It is form over substance, glitter over logic, and it is a monumental waste of time and resources, perhaps a harbinger of the end times. “Entertainment” is the glorification of stupidity, image over meaning. It is a fraud and its purveyors are cheap fraudsters.

I hope this has helped to get some of your excrement off of my screen. Fuck you very much.