This Weak in Charlotte: D'oh! A Deer! Plus, Jason Bateman for County Commissioner?

This Weak in Charlotte: D'oh! A Deer! Plus, Jason Bateman for County Commissioner?

By Jeremy Markovich

Published: 03/02/2012 11:50 AM

When I was in high school, if you wanted to prove you were a man and not a boy, you took your girlfriend to Hatchet Hollow. It was a dirt road that ran across a rickety old bridge in the middle of some woods in western Pennsylvania. We all knew the story: somebody was thoroughly chopped into little bits down in Hatchet Hollow, although nobody could corroborate that for us.

So, if you were a man, you piled into a car with your girlfriend and drove through Hatchet Hollow on Halloween. Your girl would be scared to death because it was so creepy out there in the middle of the woods. And when you made it out without incident, you became the bravest guy she’d ever met. A lot of guys did this. Not once did they come upon a hatchet-wielding killer.

One year, my friends decided to conduct a psychology experiment. They drove out to Hatchet Hollow, hid the car, put on masks, and stood behind trees. When a car came through full of guys and their girlfriends, they leaped out and banged on the window. Every person jolted with fright, stepped on the gas, and sped away.

So what happened the next day in school? Some guys said they got out of the cars and chased the masked men into the woods. Some said they got away. Some said they beat the masked men to a bloody pulp. Some said NOTHING happened. My friends and I knew the truth.

So, East Mecklenburg High Schol students who were in a classroom this week WHEN A DEER JUMPED IN THROUGH THE WINDOW AND STARTED FLAILING AROUND, don’t say you played it cool. We’ve got video evidence.

North Carolina Labor Commissioner Cherie Berry, whose cult of personality extends only to elevator inspection certificates, now has a FAKE Twitter account. A sampler: “Someone asked me not to run for reelection. I told them to take a hike. Up the stairs.”

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A Libertarian named Jason Bateman filed to run for Mecklenburg County Commissioner. There’s always campaign money in the banana stand.

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In one room at the NASCAR Hall of Fame: A GOP mixer. In the other, a gay pride rally. Some people ended up in the wrong room. Hilarity ensues.

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Hugo cleaned up at the Oscars. That Hugo. Not THIS Hugo. George Shinn feels slighted.

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Michael Graff became the executive editor of Charlotte magazine in April 2013, after four years as an editor and writer at Our State magazine. Before that, he was the Sunday enterprise reporter for The Fayetteville Observer. Before that, he was a sports writer in Winchester, Virginia, and Rocky Mount, N.C. Before that, he was the first mate on his father's charter fishing boat in Maryland. His freelance work appears in online and print publications around the country. Email him here, or find him on twitter @michaelngraff.