Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Female-to-English dictionary: ambition

I have a theory about women. This theory basically goes that the entire reputation of women -- sugar and spice and unicorn fart rainbows -- is a clever linguistic PR ploy. That women are, in essence, a giant evil Foucauldian conspiracy against the language to impose some gender-specific form of weaselspeak on men.

Think about it. Isn't ambition a good thing? After all, the opposite of ambition is roundly considered a bad thing, right?

But, ambition is total female weaselspeak.

Consider the chicks who drench their sheets reading 50 Shades of Grey. Think very hard about what the male protagonist tells us about the female desire for this so-called ambition thing that women so regularly desire.

Well, Christian Grey is young, but not too young. Right in the sweet spot, in fact. 27 years old.

Christian Grey is rich, but not objectionably rich. He does hippie liberal shit that apparently functions as an apology for his immense wealth. So, please ignore the ecologically sound practice of flying everywhere in a helicopter like he's Monty-fuckin-Burns.

He's a tall, white male in excellent physical condition. But, he's worldly and diverse and speaks Fraunch. ("Oh my." Oh, no? . . . Let me know when he can tell you the difference between Mirandese and Leonese. Seriously, what kind of white trash bitch thinks speaking French is some shit?! Let me know when that motherfucker can handle the multitude of diminutive endearment constructs in Russian!!!!)

And he's into s&m and claims he's not a flowers and romance guy. Until of course it's time for the little vagina army to seal the deal at the end of three books. Then, he's all-in, love-dovey.

So, ambition mean what here, kids?

Status. Wealth. Success. Money. The world.

Any woman who tells you otherwise is either lying to you because she's afraid it's socially crass to admit it OR she's lying to herself because she has settled for less than Christian Grey.

Make no mistake about it. Ambition is femalespeak for "M-O-N-E-Y, motherfucker!"

The thing is, women have a gift for holding back the truth. Women have a full-court PR campaign. Full-on crazy postmodernist language-bending Orwellian shit.

It's crass to say you want to fuck a guy for money. You want to fuck a guy for his fame. You want to fuck a young, wealthy, toned, white guy who fucks like a beast and spends like a cokehead during the 1980s.

It's just so very . . . . fuckin . . . crass.

So, women have found this glorious weaselspeak that spackles over the crass truth that every woman is a fuckaholic for a worldly man of means. That word is ambition.

After all, isn't ambition a good thing? Isn't almost crass to think ambition means anything but a desire to better oneself? What's wrong with you that you'd question her feminine charm so much as to think she's a fuckaholic for cash and gifts? What kind of broken, fucked-up, twisted weirdo would think so ill of the nice little housewife who just wants to be nearly-raped by a billionaire in his sexual and physical prime?