Friday, May 27, 2011

Have you decided to cut out your favorite food—say, pizza? It sounded like a great diet strategy—that is, until you caved and ate an entire pie in one sitting.

And, if you’re like some guys, you felt super-guilty about eating the forbidden food—scolding yourself for your lack of control, and vowing to start your diet again tomorrow.

It’s no surprise that this cycle of diet, pig out, feel like crap about yourself, diet again, isn’t good for your psyche or your waistline. But how can you stop—and still have some control over what you eat?

When is Restriction Bad?

“Denying yourself a full food group or even one specific food will make it more desirable,” says Sondra Kronberg, M.S., R.D., NEDA spokesperson, and director of the Eating Disorder Treatment Collaborative. “You’ll want it even more because it’s forbidden—and your body will physically crave it if you’re depriving yourself of a given nutrient.”

Some dieters (not all) tend to have an “all or nothing” mindset. One slip-up can make you think you’ve blown it for the day, pushing you to the other extreme: “You’re more likely to eat even more forbidden food, knowing that you’ll cut yourself off tomorrow,” says Kronberg. “Then, you’ll restrict to make up for it, trapping you in this cycle.”
In one study, Canadian researchers told one group of female students that they would begin a strict diet for a full week. Following the lecture about their diets, these students ate more cookies than the non-dieting control group, suggesting that they were stocking up in anticipation of their diet. But not just that—those who were already on diets ate the most.

Why Do Some People Feel Guilty?

They’re called Catholics. Kidding—it’s all about denying yourself what you like. The more you limit yourself, the guiltier you’ll feel when you give into a craving. A German study found that “restrained eaters”—people who were highly preoccupied with weight loss—were more likely to feel guilty after eating chocolate compared to controls.

The problem with feeling guilty is that it creates an unhealthy relationship with food. “We have this mentality that we need to cancel out bad food through exercise,” says Kronberg. “But this ‘trade-off’ mentality is the foundation of exercise bulimia.”Sure, working out is important. But it’s also important to see both exercise and eating as two healthy parts of your life—not as one canceling out the other.

“We don’t just eat for nourishment,” says Kronberg. “We also eat for pleasure, socializing, and mood stabilization.” We need to satisfy these other needs without feeling bad about them, she says.Keep the Diet, Cut Out the Guilt

Then, pick a favorite food that you’ve told yourself you can’t have. Ask yourself how many times a week you would, realistically, want to eat this “forbidden food.”

Of course, the process is gradual. If you have an all-or-nothing relationship with doughnuts, you shouldn’t start by buying a full dozen. Order one doughnut a few times a week to normalize the food. Then, you’re less likely to binge at the next breakfast buffet.

“If you give yourself permission to eat something, it’s less forbidden and you’ll want it less,” says Kronberg. “Some of my patients don’t even want a specific food after they’ve allowed themselves to have it.”

Other nutritionists agree. “Once all of the other nutritional needs have been met, 10 to 15 percent of your caloric intake can come from treats,” says Alan Aragon, M.S., and Men’s Health nutrition expert. (Just enough for a Boston crème doughnut!)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Yesterday's session was very eye opening. I was telling her how on the weeks I feel like "nothing" is happening, it always turns out MORE is happening than on other weeks. Weird, right? Like I can't understand my progress until someone else puts it into perspective for me.

It came from a discussion that I feel triggering situations more intensely now than I did before and that's somewhat jarring. I know it's GOOD, but it sure doesn't feel good! She asked me to walk her through what I do when I'm feeling triggered which happened both food-wise and emotion-wise at different points.

The plot is the same.....I recognize that I'm feeling triggered - aka something has created an intense flight or flight moment for my brain, a heightened emotional response not in line with the actual "threat" level present. Then, I try to just get some calm in the ol' noggin. Important so that I can go to the next step. That next step is identifying the trigger and why it's there. That's a lot easier in some moments than others. It typically ends with me saying, "OK. This is a trigger. All it is is a challenge to your core values and truths. You are stronger than this trigger and don't need to let it hurt you. If you are patient, perspective will prevail."

Sidebar - this NEVER used to happen pre-treatment. Never. I suspect it's because before, triggers just got added to the pile of hurt and anxiety already swirling about in my brain. Now that those are more under control, triggers stand out. Which is great because I can work on them. But which also sucks because they hurt harder than before now that the buffering of being a miserable mess mentally is gone.

As I was telling my therapist this, quite pleased with my enlightened state, she says, "And then, once you've identified it, what do you do with it?"

I just looked at her and said, "Um....nothing. hahha I do nothing with it at the present moment. I have no idea WHAT to do with them once they're in pretty little labeled packages."

And that folks, is the next level of challenge. DOING something once a trigger is identified. Knowing that it's OK to do something. WHich is a lot easier to write than to do because it's going to mean stepping up and letting people know if they've said or done something to trigger me. Tactfully and without blame because ultimately, it's MY issue and I'm responsible for my response to outside influence. But learning and practicing that it is OK to let people gently know that what they've said has a negative impact on you is a step towards releasing it.

Eventually, I'd imagine that having confidence in myself to withstand potentially negative comments/experiences leads to not bracing for impact and recoiling in fear that I'll be permanently damaged but instead leads towards those same things breezing past me.

But, I don't know that for sure just yet. That's the next part of the journey. :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

This is the hardest one of the three for me to devote thought to and instead of running from it, today is the day I'm going to start reflecting on it and embracing it.

Food as nourishment.

I honestly don't even really know what to say about that sentence.

It's still an abstract concept to me. I mean, I "get" it. But in how it plays out for me, it's still a concept.
I HOPE to be able to embrace that. I'm working towards being able to embrace that.

Right now though? Food isn't nourishment. Frankly,a lot of the time, food's a pain in my ass.

I have a prevailing attitude that I can not get food "right". I'm my grand self awareness these days, I know that's the eating disorder talking. And while I KNOW that, I clearly don't experience that yet a majority of the time.

I have guilt when I choose to eat things that just SOUND good to eat. Foods I want just to enjoy the taste of them. The level of healthiness doesn't matter here.

Further, I have guilt when I eat at all. My eating disorder has convinced me that eating is a sign of weakness. A sign of failure. A sign of not wanting "it" enough. And the stupid thing is, I'm not even sure what that magical "it" is. Thin-ness? Control? Success? I don't know. But I am sure that my eating disorder is completely clear on what the magical "it" is and that I don't have "it."

Until recently, I would have told you 100% that my eating problem was binging and overeating. In recent weeks, I've become very aware that binging and overeating are a consequence. Yes, still problematic, but the trigger is the restricting and the feelings that come with eating.

I think as a means of coping with the overwhelming food messages my eating disorder has embedded in my brain, I developed an all or nothing attitude towards it. It turns food into the enemy. It gives food the power and responsibility of deciding your body shape and health level and ultimately, your worthiness in society. And it absolves you of any "blame" in the situation. Not that there should be blame, but let's face it. There is. If there wasn't, I wouldn't need treatment to try get rid of it.

But underneath this, I do know food IS just food. It has no power. No energy until you injest it and then it is there to serve YOU. To power you, to fuel you.

The eating disorder is who is changing that meaning and context for me. Knowing that is a powerful tool I think. I'm still learning how to use that tool, but I do know that food can just be food and not a mirror. And that's a valuable starting place.

I came across a wonderful article this morning while browsing the internet. One of the best things for me these days is to read someone else's words which much more eloquently sum up the words swirling in my brain. The title of the article?

"In Defense of a Daily Donut"

Right?? I know. Already it's good.

Some highlights...

Some dieters (not all) tend to have an “all or nothing” mindset. One slip-up can make you think you’ve blown it for the day, pushing you to the other extreme: “You’re more likely to eat even more forbidden food, knowing that you’ll cut yourself off tomorrow,” says Kronberg. “Then, you’ll restrict to make up for it, trapping you in this cycle.”
Mmmmmhmmmmm.....I know.

The problem with feeling guilty is that it creates an unhealthy relationship with food. “We have this mentality that we need to cancel out bad food through exercise,” says Kronberg. “But this ‘trade-off’ mentality is the foundation of exercise bulimia.” Sure, working out is important. But it’s also important to see both exercise and eating as two healthy parts of your life—not as one canceling out the other.

“We don’t just eat for nourishment,” says Kronberg. “We also eat for pleasure, socializing, and mood stabilization.” We need to satisfy these other needs without feeling bad about them, she says.
YES. This. Food as nourishment, pleasure, socialization, stabilization. ALL compenents of food even for the healthy minded eater. But none more important than another. None as a means of medicating. I sort of fundamentally disagree with the "mood stabilization" part since that's the part I struggle with but I can see how it has a place for healthy people. Chocolate during PMS, anyone? I guess I should explore the idea of "mood stabilization" vs. "mood numbing". That may be the key to understanding it better.

Then, pick a favorite food that you’ve told yourself you can’t have. Ask yourself how many times a week you would, realistically, want to eat this “forbidden food.”

Of course, the process is gradual. If you have an all-or-nothing relationship with doughnuts, you shouldn’t start by buying a full dozen. Order one doughnut a few times a week to normalize the food. Then, you’re less likely to binge at the next breakfast buffet.

Thank you magical Yahoo.com article! This is what I'm currently working towards and it's exciting to get an additional source of back up that it's valuable and worth it.

I guess this has been a long and winding way of saying this:

Food as nourishment means a life of food becoming food. Not medication, not escape, not torture, not a pain in my ass. Just something that *is*. I don't feel guilty for breathing. I don't feel guilty for having shelter or being clothed. Food needs to be on THAT list. A necessity. Something I can enjoy but also something that can go unnoticed.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination andforgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

Today's a day where good ol' ED REEEEEEEEEALLY wants to be right. SUPER lucky for me, he's got support from people of the world who are doing his dirty work for him - writing things he tries to tell me that I'm learning to block out when it's from ED. It's a hell of a lot harder to block those messages out when they come from "friends".

So, what am I doing? I'm reiterating that just because these are the truths of ED and other people, they don't have to be MY truth. And they AREN'T my truth. I understand they are judging me without knowing or caring who I am and what my path or journey is.....all I am is an overweight person in their eyes and have no value.

Sad for them that they're wrong. Great for me because this just exposes to me the people and voices that DO have a place in my life. It's so much easier when they out themselves.

Monday, May 16, 2011

This past week, my therapist and I chatted about my first Nourishment post. I've since gone through the first half of my list of things that nourish me at her request and written out how ED has taken those things away from me as well as how I envision those things in my life WITHOUT ED. Pretty eye opening stuff which I'll share once I get the whole thing complete.

ANYWHO.....as part of the discussion around that journalling (which incidentally she made me read out loud despite my objections....weird and gross to read that stuff out loud! It's like reading your diary out loud. AWKWARD!) we got on the topic of being very mindful when a situation comes up that reverts me back to feeling like I have the coping skills of a 6 year old. Which happens A LOT. She talked me through what I could do if I was feeling that panic "Danger! Danger! Run and hide!" feeling. Name it/define it and send the message back that I am NOT still that fearful 6 year old and that I do not need to be afraid because I am a strong and capable adult.

I will admit, I thought it was silly and strange.

Until I woke up Saturday with some non-specific anxiety. Now, lets give the Zoloft the props it deserves. It wasn't as full blown as it was pre-happy pills. But it was there. And I didn't know why.

Which then, causes more anxiety. Because I'm super sane like that.

Instead of buying into the anxiety, I just became very mindful of it. Did a little "You would KNOW what it was if it was something legitimately anxiety producing. Relax and get over it or define it." in my head like a model patient.

And still, couldn't tell what was up. Except for that my eating was a mess, my attitude was a mess and I just didn't know why or how to make it go away.

Until we got to my daughter's piano recital on Sunday afternoon and my Mom turned to me and said, "Didn't you guys used to have to memorize your pieces for your recitals?"

Going through the act of a piano recital as a GROWN UP OBSERVER was still enough of a trigger for me 25 years later. I HATED piano recital time. It scared me to the core to have to perform something without music in front of a huge group of people. I KNEW it would never be perfect and the idea of making a mistake and then not having music to go back to was absolutely terrifying in its potential to expose me for being falible. I just knew I would ruin the entire thing and disappoint my teacher and family if I played one wrong note. My performance would never be good enough. *I* would never be good enough.

So I sat there and did exacty what M told me to do. Talked myself through it. Acknowledged the scared little kid. Acknowledged that I would have been so happy if someone would have allowed me the music and told me it was OK if I hit a wrong note as long as I was trying as hard as I could. Acknowledged that all those junky messages of my performance on rectial day being a reflection of my self worth were all totally created by my ED and that perfection wasn't the point of recital day no matter what ED told me. I then reassured myself that those fears have no place in my life today as I am a grown up and in control of my own feelings and experiences. And dammit, if I ever need my music, I am capable of standing up and saying so.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wowsa! FABULOUS session with my Nutritionist today! FABULOUS! She was super excited with how much I've gained in food confidence in the week as well as with the instincts I'm feeling and trusting. WOOOOOOOOOO!

What we'll be looking at for the next week:

Continuing on with the "Food Box". She was totally excited about how many choices I was able to come up with and the fact that I was able to fill out a whole week of meal plan. AND was excited that, at least for now, I'm feeling very "fluid" with the foods that are on there in case of any unplanned changes that might pop up.

Establishing a more "prescriptive" plan in terms of eating at certain times no matter what. I clearly am having issues with understanding hunger cues. I have no idea if it's me missing them or misinterpreting them at this point. SOoooooooo....I'm to eat Breakfast within two hours of waking, snack by 11am, lunch by 1pm, afternoon snack by 4pm and supper by 6pm. We'll do that for a while to get my body trusting it WILL get food consistantly and then hopefully *I* will start trusting hunger cues.

I still have a handout re:hunger cues to journal on as well.

I have new handouts from a book called "Eating Mindfully" which I will read in the next day or two as well.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Says my 7 year old to me this morning:
"Grandma says that normal sized people always want to be skinny. Fat people always want to just be normal and skinny people don't know why everyone's complaining."

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

First, that's not even TRUE. Second, SHE'S FRIGGIN' SEVEN YEARS OLD!!!! Shut your damn mouth about ANYTHING having to do with weight, size and your own 57 year old baggage. Horrible.

*I* said, "Well. That's not actually even true so I'm not sure why she'd say that. PLENTY of people are perfectly happy with whatever weight they are because it's THEIR weight and they accept that as part of them. IN our family, we focus on HEALTH and not weight."

This week's sessions were a lot about the trouble I'm still having attempting and making food decisions. My therapist said it best I think, "Food doesn't have to be an EVENT every time. And your ED is making each time you decide to eat an EVENT." Which is why I get frustrated and overwhelmed. If my ED is always requiring me to have the "perfect" meal everytime I eat, I'm never going to be able to fulfill that requirement. Which gives my ED a perfect opportunity to get loud.

The current tool to combat this?

Food cards.

Totally similar Deal a Meal. I will have 12 - 16 choices for complete breakfasts, lunches and suppers as well as a morning snack and afternoon snack written onto small cards. When I do my meal planning for the week, I'll randomly pick 7 cards to fill out the blanks for a week of breakfasts and then repeat the process with the other catagories until the grid is full.

And, for the record, lest we think I'm basking in the glow of awesomeness, um, it totally freaked me out when it was first suggested.

Eeeee.

And then we talked about why. Loss of control over food is SCARY to me. What happens when I get to Tuesday and written down is a peanut butter sandwich but I'm not hungry for that?! CATASTROPHE, right? Well, hopefully not. But that doesn't stop my ED from screaming that as loud as it can.

I'll be able to embrace control over what's on the cards. From there, I have to just learn to deal with sometimes eating "non-perfect" foods. Foods I KNOW I like but depending on the day may not be "the thing."

As nerve-wracking as it sort of sounds to me, it also sounds exciting. A good challenge. Progress. All sorts of forward moving positive words.

I'm going to preface this with taking a moment to point out something that was CRYSTAL clear to me when I read this definition the first time. Notice where food is on the list? Yup. Second to growth, health and good condition. I swear I typed "nourishment" into Google and this is what popped up at the top of the list. A sign. :)

So, the substances necessary for growth, health and good condition.

Great. Now what does that mean to ME?

I don't know exactly. But I'm excited to explore that. I'm going to brainstorm a list here and see what comes out. What I'm using as a prompt is this question:

What ARE the substances necessary for MY growth, health and good condition?
Challenge
Artistic expression
Creative outlet
Writing
Focus on treatment
Allowing support
Opening myself to the world around me
Trying new experiences
Connection to God
Time to have fun
Time to be alone
Reading
Learning
Time for reflection/meditation
Sunlight
Speaking up for things I want and need
Exercise/getting moving
Decluttering to allow room to move forward
Addressing past hurts and baggage to be able to move forward
Losing weight to improve mental/physical health and ability participate more fully in my life
Going new places
Doing new things
Saying "yes" to situations that scare me for no discernable reason
Intelligent discussion with others
Giving and receiving love in a open and non-judgemental way
Breaking down the barriers I've put between myself and loved ones
Learning a new skill

Some of these things are just variations on each other. I'll look this back over and see where I can get more specific. Ultimately, what I feel is that my eating disorder has held me down like a lead weight for years and years now and I'm sort of checking back into the world and seeing what it has to offer me and what I have to offer it. Because I finally am feeling like I have something to offer the world again. And I feel capable of receiving what the world has for me without fear of it destroying me.

I will freely admit that I am a fan of those inspirational necklaces and bracelets you see all over store jewelry departments. There's something so precise and simple about finding one word or short phrase. Very neat and orderly inspiration. A few weeks ago, I decided that I would start the search for that special phrase for myself and try to have something tangible to carry with me as I prgressed through treatment.

Shockingly, there isn't really much out there for folks with eating disorders. No "Don't panic - it's just food." necklaces or "Chill out - anxiety is your enemy and will contribute to a binge." bracelets. And somehow - "Breathe" and "Live Love Laugh" just sound pretty contrite and impersonal.

Enter etsy.com. It just seemed to me that if a person can find something like a vaginal themed handbag or crazy custom flouncy outfits for children to wear at Disney World, certainly my word could be found on a piece of jewelry somewhere on that site.

And it was.

Isn't it BEAUTIFUL??! I had no IDEA it was exactly what I was looking for until I saw it. And then I knew.