Dear Emuna: Rescuing My Daughter

Should I help pay her out of a bind or let her suffer the consequences?

My daughter recently received a traffic ticket for a very large amount of money. She works very hard after school babysitting and tutoring to earn her spending money and now most of it will be eaten up paying the fine. I’m feeling torn between the desire to help her out a little and relieve the financial burden and the idea that she will only learn her lesson if she has to bear the consequences. What do you think I should do?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Your situation reflects a constant parenting challenge – when to rescue our children from the consequences of their actions and when to shield them. There are no hard fixed rules but I think that, in general, our instinct is to rescue and we need to stop ourselves from that reaction. We need to let them experience the consequences of their actions so they will grow as human beings and acquire the skill set they need to become healthy, functional adults.

If you pay for the ticket, I think it is misplaced compassion, particularly in this area where the consequences of driving negligently could, God forbid, be disastrous. A fine that will cause your daughter to think before driving too fast/gliding through a stop sign/running a red light may be the best (and ultimately cheapest) lesson she could receive.

There may be other situations – a new pair of expensive suede shoes ruined in the rain, for example (now why did that come so immediately to mind?!) – where the potential consequences of irresponsible behavior are less dire and you may be wiling to split the damages – but not necessarily because a lesson in carelessness with respect to our possessions is also important.

It comes down to a judgment call but in general I believe that if we can tough it out (true confessions: I talk a big show but I find it difficult to tough it out – although I think I should!) and let our children experience the consequences on their own, they will emerge stronger, more capable – and more careful – people as a result.

Cousin with Downs Acting Up

Dear Emuna,

It has taken me a while to make the decision to write you, because I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I grew up very close to my cousin. She has Down syndrome. We had a good relationship since we were little. We are like sisters. The problem I’m having is over the last few years I find her to be annoying and disrespectful. She is spoiled and selfish. She treats my father bad, insults him and laughs at him. She is very jealous and an extreme liar. I can’t stand her. She got me involved once in one of her lies and I got in a lot of trouble. She abused my gullibility. She also has a very dirty mind and mouth. I feel I don’t know her anymore… I just don’t want to talk to her. I know my cousin. I know her limitations due to her disability, which is not severe, but she knows between right and wrong. She knows when she hurts others. She has severed relationships with some of our cousins, my father and my sister. I feel so bad feeling this way. I don’t want to talk it over with any of my family members because she has put some of them through a lot and I know it will lead to lashon hara. I need a constructive opinion. How can I get rid of these feelings? I’ve tried to work on them, and I’m fine for a moment, but then she starts texting me and I get these disgusting feelings back. Please help.

So Ashamed

Dear (No Need to Be) So Ashamed,

I am completely unqualified to answer your question and I recommend you consult with those who have greater expertise in this area.

Certainly every human being, Down Syndrome or not, is different, with unique challenges. That makes it impossible to apply pat solutions. You claim to know your cousin’s limitations but perhaps you don’t have a full understanding of them. Have you discussed it with her doctor, or better yet, with her parents? They, no doubt, want what’s best for her and they need to know if she has, wittingly or unwittingly, crossed an unacceptable boundary.

If you are like sisters, then surely her parents know that you have her best interests at heart and only want to make things right. You and her parents are natural allies in the effort to help your cousin.

If, despite your best efforts, nothing changes then you certainly have a responsibility to treat your cousin with kindness and compassion. On the other hand, I imagine that you do not need to expose yourself to her cruelty or vulgarity and you may be forced to draw a line and limit contact until the behavior changes – as you would in any relationship.

It sounds like you are really struggling with this issue so need to feel ashamed. You are trying your best – and that’s all the Almighty asks of any of us.

My Lying Daughter-in-Law

Dear Emuna,

I have a very painful situation. My daughter-in-law, who is from Brazil, constantly lies about me and has someone she contacts who spreads these lies all around to ruin my reputation. It has been going on for quite some time. The worse part about this is I have young grandchildren who eventually are going to be lied to also. When I try to tell all of this to my son, he doesn't believe me and then won't speak to me. She also has said very derogatory things about him. I really don't know what to do. Thanks for listening to me.

Hurt MIL

Dear Hurt MIL,

I wish I had a dollar for every letter I get about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law – and I don’t even answer every single one of them! Like many letters I receive, the information is sparse. Did you ever have a good relationship? Did you initially try to have a good relationship? Is there any understandable reason why she is spreading these lies? Is there a common theme to these lies? It’s hard to give any meaningful advice without a deeper knowledge of the situation.

It really could be that there’s nothing you can do. You may just have to keep praying and hoping that one day she will change her ways. Or, it could be that there were mistakes you have made in the relationship and that if you make a sincere effort to correct those, she will respond in kind.

Whatever the facts, I recommend that, as hard as it is, you try to be loving and giving. Be thoughtful and considerate. Maybe you will wear her down with your kindness. Maybe not. But at least you will be proud of your behavior and know that you left no stone unturned in trying to repair the relationship.

I hear these variations of these themes all the time. You are certainly not alone in your negative experience. Please God, life is long and the journey isn’t over. Keep praying and keep giving – that’s really advice for everyone’s life – and never give up hope that one day it may all turn around.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
Marion,
July 24, 2014 10:47 PM

Letter 1: How much is the ticket for? If it's for something like failing to stop at a stop sign, it shouldn't be more than a couple of hundred, and she should be able to pay that off by tutoring and babysitting if she's old enough to drive. If it's for something like breaching a license condition, especially if it's more than one, the fine could be a bit more steep, so I might be a bit more willing to help her out - but at any rate, I'd still have her pay for half of it. If she's got a traffic ticket while driving your car, it means she's somehow driving irresponsibly, and she therefore shouldn't be shielded from the consequences too much.

As for the down syndrome girl: A down syndrome girl isn't the same as a girl with prader willie syndrome or severe Autism. Someone with down syndrome might be classified as developmentally delayed, but not typically enough that they don't know the difference between right and wrong. If she has negatively affected her relationship with others in the family, I'd discuss it with them, or a school counsellor.

(7)
Dvora,
January 2, 2014 3:46 PM

#1 Let her go to court

Usually the fine is greatly reduced and the reason is knocked down to a smaller offense. She will probably have to take a defensive driving course, which is a good thing to do.

(6)
Nancy,
September 16, 2013 12:29 PM

Re: Letter #1. Perhaps you can pay the fine and have your daughter reimburse you. Would it be possible to treat this payment like a loan? You can draw up a promissory note, outlining the terms of repayment.

(5)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2013 4:06 AM

I respectfully disagree with your first piece of advice. I believe the daughter already suffered the consequences by receiving the ticket and being scared out of her mind. The first time, i think it would be okay for the mother to show compassion and help her out a little bit- this wont stop the daughter from being a careful driver!

(4)
Lois,
January 1, 2013 1:59 AM

Dear Emuna, The juxtaposition of the letter regarding a daughter who received a large traffic ticket (and what is the best thing for her mother to do?) and the cousin who has Downs syndrome is very interesting. The recommendation for the girl with the traffic ticket is for her to take on the responsibility of paying for it herself. It appears that the Cousin has not had to take responsibility for her actions and has subsequently negatively affected her relationship with many family members. It seems that the letter writer should share her thoughts and concerns with Cousin's parents; the sooner Cousin can learn to be responsible in her interactions with others the more opportunities she can expect to have to interact with others.

(3)
simon,
December 28, 2012 3:27 PM

um no

i would pay half the ticket at least, she sounds responsible if shes working and making money on her own. help her out just a bit to let her know shes not alone

(2)
Anonymous,
December 26, 2012 10:21 PM

I completely agree with Marcia, commenter #1. Driving is a privilege, not a right. I bet your son is a much safer driver now!

(1)
Marcia,
December 26, 2012 3:37 PM

dont pay ticket

I am a firm believer that children must learn responsibility especially when it comes to driving. recently my 22 year old son incurred a $250.00 fine and $300.00 in lawyer fees. He is learning in yeshiva and has no money. He won $100.00 in a raffal and applied it to his fine. I am very proud of him (and proud that I did not bail him out

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!