Thursday, June 2, 2011

Weinergate 2011!! (Taking back the power!)

Weinergate. Whoever coined the term, zing to you. Actually sort of a stupid name, but it sounds funny because, that's right, the word Weiner is in there. Plus it's like a scandal, like the Watergate scandal, except Watergate didn't literally involve water, whereas this does, in fact, involve weiners. Two actually.

But title of the "scandal" aside, there's that part of me as a human who thinks, "Holy hell! Why does this deserve our political coverage? There are more important things to discuss in the world!" and then there's the comedic gossipy girl inside me who thinks, "Tee hee hee, weiners..."

Mostly because I dislike always being serious, or always posting about things like spirituality, mortality, etc. I'm giving into the Diva part of my personality who, when I ask myself, "Should I comment on the Weinergate situation?" She's boisterously supporting me by saying, "You go girl! (er...boy!)"

First off, who hasn't taken a weird photo of themself? Not like Weiner weird, but just a photo that, if someone else saw it or it got onto the internet, you'd turn a few extra shades of red? I've got them. I've been trying to lose weight and get in shape, and naturally I've taken several topless photos of myself flexing in mirrors. (I say topless because I'm taking back the power in what it means to be a topless male. See that ladies? Guys can be topless too.)

But seriously. If someone found my phone and went through my pictures, BAM, they'd see me go from round to not so round over the course of nearly six months. Yet, there are no really risqué photos. And I wouldn't keep them somewhere they could be found even if I had them.

The most frustrating and easily implicating part of all this, is the always indirect way of trying to say "No" without really saying no. When someone asks you a simple, yes or no, question, providing you the opportunity to really proclaim your innocence, and you ramble on about God knows what, then we start to wonder. Evading the question, "Is that a photo of you?" with the answer "The main question people are asking is: Did I send the photograph? I did not. This was a prank, a hoax." That's basically you saying, "It's my junk BUT...I didn't send it."

And why does he keep talking about the photo in these vague unrelated terms like it being "manipulated" or "dropped in"? Does it look manipulated? It's a picture of a guy's thing in his underwear. "I didn't send it. So then it becomes well how did someone get access to my account? How did someone get access to photographs, is the photograph-or-was it manipulated, was it dropped in? I don't know."

Is Rep. Weiner trying to say that the original photo was a picture of him in a nice pair of slacks, that was doctored to appear as a large member hidden beneath the thin veils of men's underoos? I don't know. And even me, a young guy who's on twitter, facebook, all that jazz, is sort of confused when he keeps saying, "...was it dropped in?" What does that mean? Like...dropped in to a post...on the internet? Or are we talking about Seal Team 6 drop in stuff? Is Anthony Weiner afraid he's the victim of serious governmental tactical operations? Ones seeking to expose pictures of his gobbledygook?

Stop saying things like "doctored", "manipulated", and "dropped in". It wasn't any of those things. When we're asking, "Is that your photo?" and you respond with any of those answers, you're basically saying, "Maybe." Which we all know it's Politician speak for "YEUH DAWG!"

And what's the affinity for people taking lewd photos of themselves, and beyond that, why hasn't there been one politician who had photos of his puppy leaked onto the net?

"It's a simple yes or no Congressman, is this your puppy?"

"Without any sexual implications, yes, that is my puppy."

"Your puppy is adorable."

"That's what they tell me."

Everything that comes out of Weiner's mouth is horrendous backtracking, further implicating himself. Like when he called CNN's Ted Barrett a jackass for "interrupting" him. The best part was that Weiner was interrupted at the start, and then would start to talk just as Barrett would start to ask a question, so as to give the illusion of being interrupted.

"Representative Weiner did you--"

"What?"

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"...Representative Weiner, did you post --"

"What? I can't, I'm trying to talk."

"No, I'm trying to talk."

"What are you DOING!?"

"What are YOU doing!?"

"You, sir, are a Jackass!"

When I finished Catch 22 some months ago, I thought to myself, how absurdly hilarious. But surely politics, the military, could never be as wildly absurd in reality.

False.

This is a scene straight from Joseph Heller. And the thing is, because it's pretty clear he's being dodgy, and even if people say, "Will, just wait! He didn't do it, it's not his picture!" I don't care. You know why? Because he's stoking these flames. It's like Clinton asking what the definition of is, is. (Granted Weiner's situation is not as big as Bill's.)

Here's the biggest part of it all. Who the hell is Anthony Weiner? He's all, "I have 45,000 followers on twitter! I am an important individual!" Come on. I'm not saying no one knows who he is, but history isn't really going to remember Representative Weiner. If anything, they'll remember the hilarious irony of a guy named Weiner falling prey to a rather grand weiner joke, and may have been responsible for it himself.

People who get caught up in hot water like this who are guilty, only raise the bar for disappointment from their followers when it's revealed that they're lying. If you're not responsible, say and give a clear and definite "No." If it is you, if you did post it, come clean. Either that or take the awkward, sort of above it all I'm a funny guy approach.

"Is that a picture of you?"

"You bet your buttons it is."

"Why would you send this to a 21 year old college student?"

"Uh, let me ask this question, why wouldn't I send it to a 21 year old college student? Even better, why aren't you sending her pictures of your ta-tas."

"Excuse me?"

"Look I don't have time for this. I sent it, it's me, the size is not to shabby, let's move on. I've established I'm well endowed, maybe now people will stop picking on me."

And this opens the door to that crazy, out of the blue, emotional turn on a dime which could win people back over.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! Having the last name Weiner...all the kids teasing you, mocking you. My whole life I've been the butt of Weiner jokes! I've suffered with depression and I just want some friends and reassurance that I'm a cool guy who has an impressive whozeewhatsis!"

Then he can break down into tears and people will go, "Damn, this guy is really suffering from something. We should leave him alone."

And boom. Problem solved.

So, now do you see!? The lesson of the story isn't necessarily to encourage politicians how to become more moral, and how to refrain from being lewd, but it's a lesson in how to play dirtier politics! It's not that you simply tell the truth, it's that you tell the truth so awesomely with so much gusto that people drop the issue. Don't dance around the fact that this happened, your name is Weiner! We're always talking about taking back the power of our words, take back the power of your Weiner!

"Yeah I posted it! My last name is Weiner! I'm taking it back! This is for being harassed as a child!"

So perhaps, in some roundabout way, Anthony Weiner will come out of this as a ray of sunshine. He's the beacon of a generation of young people bullied to their wits end. You try having his last name, see what happens. Anthony Weiner could be saying "It gets better! Just show them lewd pictures of yourself and become involved in witless, unnecessary scandal! Take back the power of your Weiner!"

I'm seeing bumper stickers! "In 2012, take back the Power of your Weiner!" Uh oh...new presidential hat might get thrown in the ring!

I think when the dust settles, people are really going to be back on the Weiner train. I'm feeling the support for him mounting already!

...Oh wait, that's right, his methods aren't working at all. You know what does? Not being like Anthony Weiner.