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Fear of People

There’s actually a word for it: anthropophobia. Wiktionary (Wiktionary? Really?) defines it as, “A profound fear of human beings, or of human society.” Wikipedia adds, “An extreme, pathological form of shyness and timidity…it may manifest as… awkwardness and uneasiness when appearing in society. Like most phobias, anthropophobia can be traced back to traumatic experiences.”

I don’t quite fit that description. I can be very socially and intimately engaged with any number of friends and familiar groups. But it’s all those “other" people I am afraid of. All the strangers. And especially the bad guys. The ones who are out to kill me based on all sorts of notions I can’t begin to fathom, given that none of them has ever hung out and gone for a bike ride with me or talked with me about the meaning of life and love, or even cats and music.

I live in the direct lineage of the Holocaust through my German mother who managed to get to the United States just in time, but the family was forced to leave her beloved Grandmother behind, due to a visa quota. Naturally, Grandma insisted they all leave immediately, without her. She only survived another few months before being loaded onto a cattle car and shipped to a camp in Gurs, France, where she starved to death.

That very well could be the traumatic experience that my anthropophobia can be traced back to. As a sensitive kid, I grew up inhaling the scent of grief and terror that still lingered in the air, and even today still lingers in my heart. I was born in ’52, only seven years after the war. Thus, I had the classic symptoms of a “Second Generation Holocaust Survivor”: I was afraid to be alone, I was afraid to go to school, I was afraid when my parents weren’t around, and I was especially fearful of those that I referred to as “big kids.” And I saw evidence right before my eyes that justified my terror: on numerous occasions I witnessed kids my age getting beaten up by big kids; bloodied, losing teeth, noses breaking. All this in a normal, safe, Leave-it-to-Beaver suburban school ground in Fair Lawn, New Jersey. But I may as well have been observing Nazi atrocities, the way my heart pounded, recognizing that such a thing could just as easily happen to me.

And nearly did. An over-sized galoot of a guy showed up out of the blue one afternoon, as I was walking the one and a half blocks home from Hebrew School. He glared at me like the big bad wolf, and growled: “Are you Jewish, kid?” To which I instantly squeaked, “No, I’m Catholic.” “Good,” he said, “Because I beat up the Jewish kids.” I nodded and slowly turned away and continued walking home, cautiously, glancing over my shoulder to see if he was watching me, as I gradually picked up speed, my heart racing, tears coming, then running full speed and at last crashing through my front door to find myself facing a gathering of my parents and relatives.

I gasped for air and spilled out my story, as if I had just narrowly escaped annihilation in the gas chambers and crematorium. Their response was to laugh when I told them the bit about being Catholic, and my Uncle Sam assured me, “You did the right thing.” Which triggered an instant theological dispute in my mind between my Uncle Sam and Rabbi Bodnick, who had taught us in Hebrew School that it was a sin to deny one’s Jewish heritage, even at the cost of life and death. He had also thrown in some juicy tidbits for emphasis, about Rabbi Akiva being thrilled and delighted as he was skinned alive because it finally gave him the opportunity to praise God even while going through agony and death. And here I was, denying my heritage just to avoid getting the crap kicked out of me! I decided to go with Uncle Sam on this one, though to this day I remain plagued with guilt about Rabbi Bodnick’s take on the matter.

Nearly 40 years ago I participated in an exercise at a workshop in which 250 of us were lying down in a big, carpeted, hotel ballroom, and the leader guided us through a visualization of seeing someone and being afraid of him or her, so going the other way, and running into someone else you were afraid of, and so turning and moving again in another direction, or into a store, or out of a store into the street, and it escalated and finally peaked at a point where there was nowhere you could run, no place to turn in the entire world where there weren’t more people to be afraid of. They were everywhere. By that time the room was collectively screaming in terror. We really got into it, and actually felt it. (It was the 70s, the “me” decade; that’s the kind of stuff some of us did back then.)

Then abruptly, as if on cue, the screaming suddenly stopped and there was silence. A moment later, someone giggled. Then another, and another, and that too escalated until the entire room was laughing uproariously. The leader said:

“For the few of you who haven’t gotten the joke yet, here’s the punchline:

"Everyone is afraid of everyone."

I had an epiphany about my fear of people on my 50th birthday, nearly 10 years ago. I decided to spend three days alone in the wilderness, a place where the bears wander free, where I wasn’t likely to see other people, and where I’d have no cell phone contact. I am not a seasoned outdoorsman, so I was a bit apprehensive about the three-day trip, but was determined to do it, and did.

I had my revelation within the first 20-30 seconds of my hike. The very moment I set foot on the trail, I could tangibly feel my fear physically vanish from my body and mind, and I recognized in a flash of insight that I had no fear of being in nature. I had no terror of trees, no shyness around rocks and streams. I had no argument with the sky and nothing to prove to the mountains. Then I figured out what was going on: The reason I suddenly felt so safe and relaxed was the absence of people.

Because the problem is, there are people out there who want to kill me: neo-Nazis and radical Islamists, for example, just to name two that come to mind. As a result, ever since I was a kid, if given the choice, I much prefer to stay home in my pajamas then leave the house and possibly encounter God-knows-who out there. As a writer, I've managed to arrange my life to allow me to do just that on a lot of my days.

But I do wander out occasionally, and if you see me, even if you’re not a Nazi or radical Islamist who hates Americans and Jews; even if you’re a decent, friendly person who intends me no harm or even wishes me well; please know that on some level, beneath my conscious awareness, your very existence scares the s*@& out of me, and know also that, on some level, I know that my very existence scares the s*&@ out of you!

This was a beautiful piece of writing (with a nice dash of humor and a tad of self-effacing self-recognition).

My own experience of having met Eliezer as a teacher in the context of a meditation retreat urges me to share how deeply compassionate he is -- something that may not come through in this essay.

This leads me to the conjecture that cultivating awareness of whom we are afraid, and why, and recognizing the absurdity of our fear when it gets out of balance (which is different from pragmatic caution in certain situations) -- all can bring us to a certain equanimity which, in turn, can lead us to deeper compassion for those who may be afraid of us, for those of whom we are afraid and even for those aspects of ourselves of which we are afraid.

I'm also reminded of a related, but somewhat different well-known saying: "Why do we kill people, who are killing people, to show them that killing people is wrong?" I don't know to whom this acute observation should be attributed, though I have heard a folksong by the singer and activist, Holly Near, who draws on this phrase.

Just help.... Please I'm not a killer but I'm.... I don't know hurt in the mind is don't want medication... I'm too paranoid, belive something about aliens and all that so I'm obviously damaged, in the mind... My private problem is #A, I hate people. #B, I'd kill th3m but I care for life. #C I hate them, but I don't want them to know why I feel bad or show them specificl3y why in so unhappy with ... people. I've tried to talk to them and tell them specificl3y why I'm unhappy and upset 2kth out interactions the bitch hates me or something I can't talk to this person with out them blowing up..... I loved my country, but it's killing our people and faceless people thru war.... I don't just hate people I am disgusted by them... I'm hurt and saddened. I'm a female, I used to be a whore now I can't be fucked/bothered due to rape and abuse. I'd rather just die.

Hey Jed, hang in there. Sorry you’re going through such a hard time. You may not be open to this idea, but I believe It would be REALLY helpful for you to talk to someone you trust, about what’s going on for you. It could be your pastor, family doctor, or therapist. But if you are feeling desperate and feel overwhelmed, please get yourself to the nearest ER or call 911. All the best, Eliezer

I was really touched by this piece and appreciate, Eliezer, your naked honesty and spiritual generosity in sharing this with us.

I unfortunately can relate to it all too well. I also grew up terrorized/terrified by bullies, though not anti-semitism. The only anti-semites in my town of Great Neck NY in the '50s were the other Jewish kids who desperately wanted to assimilate. Which I guess was likewise a response to the Holocaust.

I still grapple with fear of various sorts every day of my life. I consider it a masculine venture, to just be in the process of recognizing and wrestling with it.

The only thing I take issue is, is with the first comment above. Religion and nationalism aren't the problems. They're the symptoms. Fear in all its guises and disguises is the problem.

Given the alarming proximity of so many large and presumptively dangerous primates on the other side of the front door, I'm convinced that staying home in pajamas is a perfectly sane response, not cause for a diagnosis.

"Oh that Eliezer, always trying to cheer us up! You know, the new trend is pajamas out in the world. I live in a college town near Asheville NC and if I go to the super-market after 9pm I'm sure to come across young couples in pj's seeking munchie food. So, El just has to leave the house as is, in jamas, and stay away from Nazi's, and chill-out in the Cherry Garcia isle...or not."

Thank you Eliezer for the deep and rich sharing. The "Nazis" in my hometown were the boys who tripped me all the time because I wore brown stockings and had "four eyes." They were the boys who told my mentally handicapped sister that she had to dance like a witch because she must be a witch since she wore a coat that had a pointed hood on it. It wasn't called bullying in the 50's; it was dismissed as "boys will be boys."

Great writing. Its good I think that these sort of feelings and experiences are brought out in the open. I too fear people, from my own experiences of both childhood and adulthood. To some extent it may also be because I am half-Native American and have received abuse from both cultures hence I flinch around practically everyone.

I can relate to so much of what Eleizer says. 34 years ago, I discovered that someone I knew and trusted was telling really nasty lies about me to everyone I worked with. I'm a really easy going person and what scared me the most was the fact that these people chose to believe her. Most of these people I didn't even know and had never met (I worked for an airline), but they chose to believe her. I was called racist names, had to put up with practical jokes (like being phoned at 3 a.m. and being told that flight plans had been changed and I had to be picked up now). I was sworn at and called a Jewish bitch (I'm not even Jewish)! I had shown only kindness, respect and consideration to this person I trusted, plus I hardly ever saw her, as our flight plans were different, but because she was good at amateur dramatics, people chose to believe her. It frightens me to think that so many people can turn on you without even knowing you and now I just don't trust anyone. I've told myself a million times that not everyone is like that, but cannot take the chance. I have no friends at all because I've distanced myself from people and at times I feel so lonely and vulnerable (I don't have any family either). My life is a mix of not wanting to socialise, trying to socialise but feeling extreme anxiety or taking the attitude that I don't need people. I actually braved up and told my neighbours how anxious I felt, hoping they would understand and now they avoid me and leave me totally alone. In the end, we all just have to get through life the best we can. I just wish people understood.

I have had a very similar experience. For me it was a neighbor who used to sit with me having coffee at front of my unit. I had been nothing but nice to her too. I had something bad happen that caused a number of injuries with long recovery. She pretended to be nice to me to find out what had happened. Then I found out she was telling people that I was faking my injuries. Clearly I was not. Some of them were obvious. All these people I didn't know believed her, hung out in front of my unit yelling threats and abuse. She even body slammed me so I fell over. Someone else took something of mine and held it out of my reach. I had restricted movement and couldn't reach. It was horrible. I was outnumbered and police did nothing. My word against a lot of people who backed each other up. I couldn't believe so many people I didn't even know could hate me so much. For what? I really don't understand. I hadn't done anything to provoke any of these people. I didn't know them, they didn't know me. I was fairly new, had recently moved from interstate and didn't know anybody yet. I used to be sociable, now I'm withdrawn and scared. How can people hate someone they don't even know? It makes no sense to me, yet it happens. I hope eventually you, me and anybody else who has anxiety and fear will feel safe one day. I hope you find people you can trust soon.

What you say is very true and rational, but fear of people or any other fear is not rational. I can tell myself every day that all people are different with different measures of behaviour, some good, some bad, but I find it difficult to physically believe and so end up with a fear response. It's all part of our human learning - once you have burned your fingers as a child, you never do it again and similarly, once you realise the capabilities of human beings and have been a target, it's very difficult to convince yourself it wont happen again. Snakes and other animals etc are fairly predictable once you understand their behaviour - human beings are not.

Sorry, now i understand your point. You are on the verge of a very deep change in your persona. You now realize how sadistic the surrounding peoples are. Probably you are also more "sensible-smart" that the average people around you. You think that you have done something wrong for your entire life.

Make no mistakes. You are right.

Now you have to embrace your destiny. Do not love. Do not hate. Just act for the most pure self-interest.

I can not tell you how much comfort this article gave me. I have been alone in my fear all my life. ( for the obvious reason of spending most of my adult life in my home with my p.j.'s on) I did not think that there where others that felt the same way that I did. I knew that there where people scared to leave their homes, but I have never hear of anyone that was afraid of people like me.

When you talk about the wish that people would just leave you alone. The same words that I say in my head every day when someone talk to me. I was brought up to never be rude and feel it is my duty to answer anyone that talks to me with polite conversation when all I want to do is turn and run.

thanks for writing Cat. I'm so sorry you have to go through that kind of mental suffering. I hope you have at least some close friends in your life that you feel relaxed with and can be yourself, because that makes all the difference in the world. And there are many things you can do that could slowly help improve the situation, if you start to look for them, but it's not appropriate for me to give advice. i just hope you find a way to reduce those feelings, or even eliminate them, even if only for short periods, or at random times. All the best to you, Eliezer

I do have close family that I feel at peace with. Though I always have that fear , I have learn to be content with who I am. I have at time in my life been a very outgoing person. ( Or at least people saw me that way ) But in truth I get tried of living life behind a mask and would rather spend most of my time at home where I can be free of it.

I have tried many things to change, years of doctors and therapy. Which help in knowing myself, but did not do a thing for the fear. I tried every new age way of thinking I could get my hands on, and most of the self help books. The sum of what I learnt is this.....that my fear does not stop me for loving all the people in my life and I am just who I am.

I have never been without the fear and would love to know what that is like, but am realist and understand that may never be my life. I do well once I get to know people..........if we could only get rid of all the strangers I would be great.

Best wishes or in our language " Big empty stretches of forest with only family for 100 miles "

Ram Dass once held a huge gathering on his father’s land in New Hampshire. His Dad was surprised to learn that the event was free, and calculated how much Ram Dass could have earned had he charged even ten bucks a head. Ram Dass responded by asking, “How much did you charge Uncle Henry for the legal work you did for him last year?” His father responded, “Nothing! Uncle Henry is family!” Ram Dass answered, “That’s my problem Dad; everyone here is family.”

Maybe we can work at opening ourselves to the point where there are fewer and fewer "strangers," just based on how we think of them?

I did read the latest post,inspiring and enlightening as usual. Do not get me wrong I do love everyone, truly love them from the soul outward. There is many a day that I wish I could walk up to someone and say it to their face. Life is such a precious thing, I am always amazed by it. It confuses me that people choose to lie to each other, lie about who they are and what they are. To not wish to share everything you are and can be with another......that is the puzzle.

I may live with my fear, but by my book in some ways they live with a much bigger one. I fear what I stranger might do to me, but they fear that they can not keep everyone a stranger. That someone with look into their soul and see all that they are.

There is a cause of my fear. If you are beaten enough, hurt enough, molested enough you fear others, that is just common sense. What is their excuse for closing themselves off to one another.

Wow, there I go..........running babble. Thank you for being so nice about it.

P.S. Never feel bad about having money, you know money is not what brings you peace and happiness. It just give you more ways to mess up than us poor people. Hehehehehe.

Fear. It's always fear. And there's always a story behind it, either conscious or forgotten or denied or turned outward into aggression or inward into depression. In an ideal universe, innocent loving babies become loving children and adults.

You are right, I know that there is always a good reason for peoples fear. Some times I so want to help people so badly that it gets the better of me. I know that is not my place. That the path that everyone walks is what is meant for them to decide. We all must change and grow as is right for us.

Seems to me you have the 'Mother' of all reasons to be socially phobic...for a while it got so bad for me that everytime someone came near me, I felt like my skin had been ripped off and nerves exposed...then I got a promise from a landlord that I could stay forever as long as I paid cash. Me and my three cats, 'cause I love animals and I have no problems having any around me, were in heaven for 14 years, so quiet. He promised me that as long as I paid cash I could stay forever...then i went bankrupt, but I wasn't worried because i would stay here until I died and I could afford to pay the fee and I didn't care about my credit. Until I found out months later that the landlord had sold the house. Now I am dying bit by bit in an apt. I could have stayed and stood my ground but the ceiling was almost down to myhead and well I had to move, to an apt with people all day all night. Of course when houses check my credit they say no. Cause I went bankrupt....Not knowing that I had been stabbed in the back.

Your story about the bully asking you if you were Jewish made me so angry on your behalf. But here is where I must point out to you and other Jewish-American people that you are not the most victimized group in the world.

I am African-American.

Imagine the situation where there is no way to lie to the bullies by telling them you're Catholic. When you are black, everyone can see with their eyes, immediately, you're black. This was my childhood, and I was bullied for years. There is no place to run, and when you run to Jewish people thinking they will understand you, they bully you too, and call you "schwartzer", a racist Yiddish word for black. This was my adulthood.

I am now scared to death of people, and "scared of people" is what I Googled and brought me to this page.

Thanks for writing. Sadly there's not much I can say except I'm really so sorry your life was so impacted by that kind of treatment from others, including Jewish people. There IS a safe place: it's inside us. The world out there isn't ultimately safe for anyone, even the bullies, rascists and Nazis. Noone gets out alive. Hopefully you have a close circle of friends and family that love you? Their hearts and presence are also a safe place--that's my experience, anyway.

"People make you nervous
You'd think the world is ending,
And everybody's features have somehow started blending
And everything is plastic,
And everyone's sarcastic,
And all your food is frozen,
It needs to be defrosted."

"You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now.
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now."

"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
And never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
Maybe you should kiss someone nice,
Or lick a rock,
Or both."

"Maybe you should cut your own hair
'Cause that can be so funny
It doesn't cost any money
And it always grows back
Hair grows even after you're dead"

"And people are just people,
They shouldn't make you nervous.
The world is everlasting,
It's coming and it's going.
If you don't toss your plastic,
The streets won't be so plastic.
And if you kiss somebody,
Then both of you'll get practice."

"The world is everlasting
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
And take off both your shoes.
'Cause people are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.
People are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you."

The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
It's coming and it's going.

been there done that, i cut my own hair...never licked a rock though, I'm neither shy nor scared of people,or nervous around them I have no fear of judgment or embarrassing myself, I and confident and stubborn in fact I love humanity, strangest thing though can't be around them I feel them, not I'm not an empath, but I feel them, it's similar to having your skin ripped off and all your nerves exposed, people are just people indeed great poetry...but people don't worry me, I'm not affected by their judgment or embarrassed by my illness. It just is what it is. But Hey love that poem, quite excellent!!!

I could have written this (except I'm not Jewish, I was a fat little girl who was ruthlessly humiliated on a daily basis.) I managed to pick myself back up in my 20's, but in my early 30's I got a chronic (invisible) illness that leaves me in pain everyday. I feel like a shell of who I was and I'm not mentally up to the task of dealing with the judging. "She looks okay, why does she complain so much? If she just got a job, things would work themselves out." Then there are the daily horrors you hear about in the news. I guess my negative experiences with society in general outweigh the positive? Not sure I really believe that, at least I don't want to believe it.
I don't want to be afraid anymore! I sure hope you update with another post as soon as you figure out the key to freeing yourself of this fear. Until then, God bless you!

I'm not Jewish either I'm French Canadian, i don't fear people never have but when they're near me too often i feel my skin ripped apart and my nerves exposed...I'm agoraphobic, which I've ignored most of my life, and lived out in the world refusing to take pills until my nervous systems crashed and I stopped breathing then the social phobia came in...the only way I could stop suffocation was through medication, SSRI to be exact...there's nothing that helps my social phobia, so whenever I have to be in public i do it quickly and as early as possible...One thing I've learned is that everybody judges everybody else, you could be Angelina Jolie and they would comment on how too thin you are, and why oh why ....etc ...\my landlord after 14 years of living in a very quiet house near the river, where I needed the space away from people where i needed peace and quiet promised me \i could stay forever as long as I paid cash. Well he sold me out for 10,000 that's my worth as a human being then I was thrown into and apt because i can't afford a house not anymore ....and I TRY SO HARD, not to seek revenge, i\ try so hard not to hate. \it is so hard to live...and I try doing the best i can when all I want is to die...so hey you are not alone...you are never alone

I'm the same as you. If I have to go somewhere to meet strangers I might enjoy the journey - a walk through quiet tree-lined streets, appreciating the plants in the gardens along the way, saying 'Hi' to the neighbourhood cats; feeling the sun on my face and the wind in my hair, but as soon as I get to my destination: a room full of people, or - even worse - a one-to-one with a stranger, my jaw clamps shut, my eyes refuse to blink and I'm on full alert and rigid as an iron bar.
I've tried to learn to see how I am as 'normal for me'. Not to think of myself as someone with a problem or a phobia. After all, it's perfectly natural to be wary of the unknown. You'd think twice before patting a strange dog or munching on unidentified mushrooms. The idea that we should instantly trust another human being is frankly ludicrous. You have no idea what a stranger's agenda is - no idea of what damage they might cause you in the short or long term. Just think of the damage that even family members do to each other. If I'm more cautious than the next man, less gullible, more alert, then I really don't see that as a bad thing. Society will always pathologize those who don't conform to a 'norm'.
Strangers are...well...strange!

At my very worst being around people felt like my skin was peeled from my body, all nerves exposed, and it continued until i broke, didn't know a body could break. Sometimes we inherit phobias from our parents. i got hit on two sides on chemical imbalance; IN ME; AGORAPHOBIA, from the other SOCIAL PHOBIA, I DON'T work anymore I can't in fact I never could but for the first 42 years of my life I ignored all my symptoms and I paid the price by breaking into tiny pieces...you look back and you wonder how did I do it for so long I never knew a body could break so badly I never knew...I understand

Thanks for writing K., glad that maybe it helped a little. I live in a place now where,virtually outside my front door, there is a beautiful path in the woods along a river leading to a waterfall. The only time I experience any apprehension at all is when I hear footsteps on the path and immediately focus my attention to assess whether the approaching human is potentially a source of danger, or, as is always the case so far, simply another friendly soul enjoying nature, usually with a dog! It's a weird, instinctive, and conditioned response that arises in my body. Hope you find your safe spot.
best,
Eliezer

Beautifully expressed. I can connect to these emotions on many levels. I tried to walk without sound so that people did not know I existed. This fear combined with other causes have taken almost 16 years of my life away. Now I am doing therapy and trying to improve one small step at a time. I love the outdoors for the same reasons. I have even faced wild animals, but found it a lot less scary than meeting people. I had a traumatic experience two years back and could not go out at all for a year, which is when the depression kicked in. It is a great feeling to know that my mind is not broken and this fear is a common problem many people face. I hope the world is still big enough for all of us to find our safe spots.

Thanks for writing, sb. Ironically, apart from personal psychological issues around fear, it seems it is more and more difficult for quite mentally healthy people in many parts of the world to "find their safe spot." which is a whole other, political/social issue, but thought I'd mention it.

Even if countries and religion didn't exist, man would find another reason to hate other people. It's like how instictively animals often kill their own young if they are albino... because they aren't the same as the rest.

Weak willed humans will always exist who can't overcome their natural pre-conceptions and beat down others for being different in some way. There is no cure, there is no grand method to end all conflict large or small, short of the end of the human race.

It sounds grim but that's nature, humans like to think they are different but in reality we are just animals with a higher than average intelligence.

Respectfully, that's just my oppinion, that of an athiest. It's interesting to hear other views though.

That bit about dying for your faith is found in all the Abrahamic religions. Back when Abraham and the Desert Fathers were around, each town or village a traveler entered had its own deities. Apparently, Abe had a hard time remembering which god went with whatever town, so he just said "Screw it - they're all the same to me." This was quite shocking stuff at the time. There were no record needles to scratch off the platter, but somebody probably dropped a sacrificial dagger and stared wide-eyed at him. And poor Abe still couldn't get a moment's peace, because now he was a great prophet whose job was to unify all the little villages. It just never stops with some people, he probably thought. So he went around repeating what he just said, and eventually grew weary of riding on people's shoulders and kissing babies. He just wanted to do a little trading, maybe get a hotel room without having to do the secret religious handshake every time.

If you have to tell a pleasant lie to a troglodyte in order to keep the peace, then tell the pleasant lie. No harm is done by that. In every case, God/Allah/YHWH/Jehova/Brahman/Whatever is the god of peace and love, so if you have to lie to some idiot in order to keep the peace, then lie to him. God will certainly understand, and doesn't want you feeling guilty about that.

But yes, most people are still vicious, empty-headed apes. I can't blame you for staying home most of the time. If Abraham had a serene forest to wander in, he might never have ventured into town and complained about all those gods being the same thing. Then where would we be?

I'm just 13 yrs old and I recently discovered my fear of crowds. I was in a gym with a whole bunch of kids all shouting and screaming and talking. The sounds bounced everywhere. I started shaking uncontrollably and I shake thinking about it now. I've always been a bit nervous around people. I'm not necessarily afraid they will hurt me, I'm just afraid they think terrible thoughts about me. I never had freaked out quite that much before and it scared me. I don't know what to do now. Can someone help? I'm embarrassed to tell anyone.

Well, for a 13-year old with such self-awareness about having certain fears, just the fact that you wrote in to this page indicates you are actually a young person with enormous courage. "Courage," by the way, is NOT the absence of fear; some of us never get over some of our fears that go all the way back to childhood. Courage is actually defined as "taking action in the presence of fear." So in writing your note here, you HAVE taken action in the presence of fear, which is a huge step, and it is also clear that you wish to take further action to address what's going on within you.

I know this may or may not really be helpful or comforting, but as a 63-year-old who has "been around the block" and met thousands of people and heard their intimate stories, I can tell you that at least 95% of the people you see around you every day, of every age group and walk of life, are either consciously afraid some or a lot of the time, or they have managed to block it out from their consciousness through keeping themselves overly busy, or through using drugs and alcohol, or through simple denial of what they are truly feeling, or any number of other ways of avoiding their feelings and fears. Some people have been pushing away their inner fears for so long that they themselves no longer even realize that they are often afraid.

But you ARE aware when you are afraid, so you are way ahead of the game.

Another secret: I can guarantee you that nearly all of those people who you fear are thinking terrible thoughts about you, are in fact equally afraid that YOU are thinking terrible thoughts about THEM! Everyone, but particularly teenagers, are so concerned with with other people think about them that they fail to notice that those other people are in the exact same boat. And then we collectively all cover over our insecurities by trying to "look good," act normal, appear confident and secure, and possibly do certain daring things just to prove to ourselves or others that we are NOT afraid or insecure, when in fact we ARE.

I would advise you to continue telling the truth about all this at least to yourself, until you find a trusted friend, or older and wiser and safe person, or perhaps a therapist, to whom you can openly and honestly just be exactly who and what you are...and exactly who and what you aren't.

Remember the old saying, "What you think of me is none of my business!"

Hang in there Marissa: life is full of changes and surprises and will keep evolving along with your own wisdom and awareness. And the right person or group of people will eventually fall into step beside you and you will discover how liberating it is to be with people with whom you can "let it all hang out," be yourself, be honest, and not pretend to be anything more--OR LESS-- than who and what you are.

Until that happens, just take this from me on trust: what you are experiencing is normal, and quite common, and everybody, especially at your age, is hiding it from one another.

One last thing: there are many people who are truly too sensitive for crowds of people and loud music and noise and superficial party chatter, and do much better spending their time in quieter, one-on-one situations. This sensitivity is NOT a problem or a failing or something wrong with your character: it is a GIFT, and one day I am certain you will find a way to use that gift of sensitivity in a way that is both creative as well as helpful to others who are locked into their own inner prison of fear.