Is there anything funnier than tiny cat pants?
It seems unlikely, but my goal in life is to find out.

Friday, February 10, 2006

It's Like Porn for Me

I love home improvement shows. It started when I was small, watching "This Old House" with my dad, and has now progressed to me sneaking every chance I get to watch HGTV.
Show me big old mansions carefully refurbished by impossibly wealthy middle-aged gay men. Or a modest dining room painted by a single mother in some delicate faux finish. Can I see what that living room would look like in green? Hmm. Okay. What about blue? Oh, yes, that's very nice.
Explain to me in concerned, but knowledgeable, tones the difficulty of wrapping brass gutters around a corner like that. Show me your workmen working away. Give me a close up on that roof. Can I see you cut through shingles to install a skylight?
How will you keep the greenhouse from leaking? What kinds of counters will you put in the kitchen? Can a bathroom sink really be shaped like a large lily and still be practical?
I cannot stop watching. And dreaming about what I would do with infinite funds, what kind of house I would buy and all the ways I would make it homey. I turn those shows on and it's like my brain shuts off and something primal engages with what appears on the screen.
I have a place to live. And it's fine. But I can't give the stairwell a coat of very light rose. I can't tear everything in the bathroom out and start over. I can't put a fence around the backyard so that Mrs. Wigglebottom and I can go out and play without fear of either one of us being decapitated by her leash.
And so I watch these shows with a kind of furtive fascination, both wanting so much to have an opportunity to actually need shows like this, and afraid it's never going to happen.
Which also means that whenever I check over at the Wayward Boy Scout's to see how his floor is coming, I'm really not much better than the perverts who come to Tiny Cat Pants looking for "big tit fucking."

While not exactly porn for me, since buying my first house in November, I've drifted away from sports and science shows to watch a bit of HGTV myself, that and the DIY network. It is amazing what some people can do, unfortunately my budget doesn't support most of it and what it does support, when I see it on there, it looks like crap.

As for the afore mentioned large breast fornication, well, I just wanna see the freckle...that’s all.

No, it's a little known loophole that, if you're a charming enough man, you can use any slang for women that sounds like it came from a World War II movie--broad, dame, toots, etc.--and we won't stab you in the eye with a fork.

Obviously, with a penalty that severe, you'd better be sure you're damn charming.

David, I also noticed this morning that I have a delightfully cute toe freckle.