Brown courts crosshairs: PR firm tells PM to keep enemies closer

A PR firm, charged with improving Gordon Brown's public image in time for the next general election, has proposed to make him more "assassinatable".

ProScope Media, which represents the successful hate figures Simon Cowell and Peaches Geldoff, has recommended that the prime minister work harder to antagonise demographics with proven track records in political murder, including Islamic terrorists, anarchists and ambidextrous American actors of the 19th century.

Brown has a lot of work to do: the Killodex, a biannual league table of the world's top 50 candidates for assassination, currently features him at number 44. This is the weakest showing by a British premier in the publication's history, and bookmakers are offering 4-1 odds that the next instalment, due in April, will see him slip from the rankings altogether.

A recent Al Jazeera poll of nearly 1000 Mujahideen found that 73% of respondents either failed to identify Brown or mistook him for the American writer Susan Sontag, who is at number 36 in the table, despite having died in 2004.

According to Lee Hammerstein, a researcher for the Killodex, "Gordon Brown is just too dour to appeal to international assassins. He doesn't have the knack for exciting people that Tony Blair had, for better or worse." (Blair peaked at two in the table, during the run up to the invasion of Iraq.)

"Another thing is that he's a slow-moving target. The fashion for the modern assassin is to use a sniper rifle or bomb, and that's just no challenge with someone who moves as slowly as Brown. It'd be like shooting an elephant in a milk float."

Although the reasoning behind the proposed strategy is still unclear, there is an implication that it is intended to generate sympathy for the embattled prime minister. A junior member of the consultancy team is reported as saying that "if there was an attempt on his life it'd be good if he can sustain an injury of some kind. Go for a Reagan-type deal...is it possible to get the guy who shot him?"

Make Alun Richards's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

The former corpse and monarch is set to involve himself in the 21st Century by joining various social media.
The king was resurrected by royalist necromancers in 2012 but has maintained a low profile since his return to life.
Richard III was ki...

London- Britney Spears traveled to Britain to address the House of Commons to complain about the structure of the British government.
Spears complains that England is not a true democracy but a false democracy.
"After reading excerpt from Aris...

The Dalai Lama may be a man of few possessions™, but he's hoping to get the better of Anglican Archbishop Justin Welby in a very material manner; while also sticking up for the faithful (at least, the right kind of faithful, anyway).
Attendi...

The Prime Minister has announced plans to introduce the wearing of blindfolds in supermarkets for all benefit claimants which will be introduced of the Tories win the next General Election in May.
The new requirement will apply to anyone claiming...

A group once affiliated with ISIS has broken off and formed a splinter faction, claiming as their primary goal the "total, rapid modernization of the Levant", promising also an immediate, all out " blitz" of "humanist secularization" and complete and...

Somerset Levels, UK - A massive arsenal of IRA weapons including AK-47s, MI6 assault rifles and a Sherman tank has been found by teenagers at the bottom of a British river bed.
13 year-olds Bob Piranna and Warren Nuckles were magnet-fishing on th...

Chancellor George Osborne has shaken David Cameroon by resigning over the input of tax evaders being siphoned to The Tory Party.
'I've had enough' he declared from the steps of 11 Downing Street, 'When a political party is financed by the proceeds...

(London) - Numerous sources have now independently confirmed that Rupert Murdoch will marry Sarah Palin this September in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.
While Mr. Murdoch's divorce from Wendi Deng in 2013 was front-page news worldwide, few were aw...