The Depths

I’m sorry I’m just now updating y’all with news, but I didn’t have words til now… and I’m not really sure I even have the words as I’m writing this.

I lost my baby on Thursday, and even though I never got to meet him, he made a mark on my heart I will always carry with me. (and I didn’t know the gender, but in my mind it was a boy so I’ll be referring to “him”.) I honestly didn’t know the depths of despair until I lost him, and I’ve had a lot of loss and heartbreak in my life. He was wanted and prayed for for so long, and to lose him after such a short time just hurts me more than I can even express to y’all. I’ve mostly been unplugged from the internet for a few days, to grieve and spend time with my family. I’m trying to slowly ease myself back into work, both emotionally and physically (because I’m only 3 days post surgery at this point, and still have a lot of pain and physical limitations). I am planning to do a shop update tomorrow to try to bring some normalcy back into my life, but it will probably be some time before I’m back on the internet as much as I was before.

I also wanted to say a deep heartfelt thank you to my friends on Instagram who have started a “Unwind Yarn Love Along” (hashtag #unwindyarnlovealong and #onmymindonmyneedles) to show support for me and Chris as we grieve. They’re using yarn and fiber they’ve bought from me to work on projects. It has made me cry every time someone has earburned me (but in a good way!)… I have such wonderful friends and customers, and can’t even tell y’all how much it means that you all would do this for me.

I’ve got a long road ahead, and continually welcome your prayers and thoughts. Thanks so much for sticking with me.

14 thoughts on “The Depths”

My very best friend’s sister went through this last year. When you a ready, visit her blog that documents her journey from the loss to her second conception and birth. You WILL make it through this. I can get you in touch with her if you need support. She would be more than willing to talk. There are a lot of groups out there. I am so sorry for your loss. I know you don’t know me…as I’m kind of a podcast lurker, but I had to let you know you’re not alone. *hugs* If you need support or anything just email me or contact Rebecca directly at her blog below…tell her Courtney V sent you.

I have been praying for you this week. My husband and I lost a child in 2011. Even though I never got to hold him (we also did not know the sex but I felt he was a boy) either the grief was unbelievable. We named him which really helped with the grieving process. I share this with you to say that if you ever need to talk with someone who understands, I’m here and i will continue to pray for you and your husband. My email is jcostello@randjcostello.com

My heart breaks for you and Chris. You take all the time you need…and *then* some extra. Meanwhile, we’ll spin our Unwind Fiber and, I, for one, will knit my Tealtember socks AND my Birth of Venus cowl. Every stitch will be a positive thought and prayer for you and Chris…

I, too, lost my first child to miscarriage. I remember the pain keenly. You are in my heart and prayers. I just finished my shawl from Birth of Venus a week or so ago. I think of you and send hugs every time I wrap myself in it.

I’m so sorry, Dana. I tried unsuccessfully for about five years without ever conceiving, which was difficult. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to lose a baby after so much waiting. Thinking of both of you.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for five years now too and it’s especially hard because all around us, our friends and families are having babies and then they look at us with that expectant look as if saying, “It’s your turn now. When are you guys having one?” By now the looks don’t bother me anymore but going to baby showers is emotionally hard on me. And I think I have accepted the fact that maybe we are not meant to have one in order to save someone’s abandoned baby and give that baby a better life filled with opportunities that their biological parents could not have given them. For now, we are just enjoying each other’s company, saving up for a prosperous future in the hopes of retiring as early as 45 (we are now 32) and maybe when we’re truly ready, we’ll look into adopting a baby.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and sadness you and Chris are going through right now and I hope and pray that you both stay strong in your love, marriage and faith. Take comfort in the knowledge that God will not put you through this if He thinks you both can’t handle it. Your baby is with the angels now and perhaps is training to be an angel himself to watch over you guys. Take care and we’re praying for both of you.

There are no words. Your expressed your feelings with such eloquence. I have no doubt that someone who needs to know that they are not alone will someday read this or hear the podcast and be comforted. Take all the time you need to honor and grieve for this special little one.

Dana, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. The love you are showing for this tiny child is beautiful. He will be mourned by all who know and love you.
Please take the time you need to heal and mourn.
Carolyn