stupefied stares and angry glares are all the eye contact that is shared from exposing the truth in hopes to improve my relationships but instead the truth left a goddamn huge black and bruise and it only ignited the matches it didn’t diffuse i only want them to accept to approve but instead i’m perceived as taboo and i’m accused of feeling of doing things that i haven’t done why did i unleash my tongue i should’ve kept it behind my lips to avoid being shunned and shoved into the corner facing the wall like i’m a kid in trouble and what good does it do to put your daughter in a bubble and pretend it all doesn’t exist and to pretend that it’ll all go away by ignoring it that it’s as easy as forbidding it that it’s as easy as pie but it’s not we’re all living a lie

I’m the only one awake in this undesirable reality while she is dreaming peacefully sleeping I wish I could go there easily but I can rarely sleep I’m an insomniac maybe I’m negative maybe I’m depressed maybe and she constantly tells me I’m insane a pain for her brain and so she sleeps to rid herself of the fucked up reality I always mention I always speak and it’s okay I guess, it’s expected because she’s Sleeping fucking Beauty and one day maybe the princess will be (preferably consensually) kissed on her perfect fucking pink lips by some piece of shit prince and awoken from her beautiful dreams of an ideal reality, permanently…maybe but hopefully not.

I pressed my nose into the crook of her neck
With her lilac scent, I was obsessed
Tasting her skin…
Goddam, she tasted like sin
Red hot
The fact that we were in public was an afterthought

She was just so pretty,
So pretty
She made me dizzy,
So dizzy
We were laughing as if everything was silly,
So silly
I molded my body to hers as if I was chilly,
So chilly

Her purple hair skimmed her shoulders
Her dark, heavy makeup made her look older
Her leather leggings hugged her sculpted legs
She was the kinda girl that made you beg

Her skin was just so soft,
Too soft
My body felt so hot,
Too hot
We were kissing carnavorously,
Too carnavorously
I refrained from yelling out when she bit me hard,
Too hard

Her purple hair stuck to her sweaty forehead
All my drunken brain could conjure up was getting her into bed
I didn’t want to stop dancing yet
But I wanted to spend the night with her before our lives reset
In the morning.

The struggle between appeasing those that care about me and being me is a burden and the consequences are uncertain, I think my situation has not improved it has only worsened as a result of my lies by which I am bound to and tied, stifling any pathetic cries and goddammit I just want it all I can only hope the structure I have built doesn’t fall like the house of sticks built by the three little pigs but this hurts and my desires, I am terrified to assert…god it’s all such a joke, i’m waving white flags to avoid eating the dirt but I’m only concealing myself and hoping that they won’t try to seek what I have hidden from their eyes although it is right in front of them camouflaged by lies on top of lies leading to the surmise of their trust in me because hey! trust doesn’t come for free there’s no such thing as free lunch, god I’m getting good at lying my way out of every hunch but the lies always existed even before her I’ve always concealed the gold beneath the dirt it’s buried deep buried hundreds of feet below the grave of my true personality…y’know, it is difficult being a slave everyday to what is deemed “just” and “right”, as my dad says “there’s only black and white”, but I fucking disagree, I believe that there is a lot of grey in between everything that one is instructed and forced to believe to salvage the tiny fragments of their flimsy sanity and to give them something to live for because without a purpose people are fucking worthless, right? that’s what they say at least… but I have seen the grey, in fact I reside there today..I lay down there all the time yet I can hardly sleep and when I actually do I tend to only have bad dreams…and when I’m awake I can only hopelessly wish to be accepted by my family… being here is bittersweet, who would want to be stuck in this “in-between” place of dreams and reality…?

god i’m so sorry i have broken your heart i’m so sorry i have gone about this all wrong i’m so sorry i have wished all along that we could get along but i screw it all up and i’m so sorry i keep tearing you apart with every article of clothing that i pack it feels to you like a smack like a stab in the back i’m so sorry that this hurts you so bad i’m sorry but it hurts me too my heart is covered with black and blues and i’m sorry i hadn’t told you the truth but it’s hard to be honest when i couldn’t even be honest with myself i didn’t know how to go to you i didn’t know how to ask for help i’m sorry but i was lying in the dirt of the tears that i had been crying for hours for days for years i was dying for so long but at least all of my tears showered the withered flowers so they lived on so they grew up to be strong as i was corroding away as i was deteriorating into dust but at least i becoming something because before i was nothing i was just living to waste my time until i died i was making the motions and imitating life…

but now i feel whole i feel content with myself and i don’t apologize for finally being who i am

I came out to my friend and my sister yesterday, January 8th. They both took it really well, which was awesome.

I told my friend, Melissa, first. I picked her up at her house during lunch and I told her that I wasn’t completely straight, that I liked girls and that I had a crush on a girl that I work with who also happens to be my boss.

My friend didn’t miss a beat and after I told her the entire situation she gave me all this love advice. She’s amazing.

I told my sister when I was driving to Walgreens (talking while driving is the best thing ever because you don’t have to look at them while you’re confessing your soul/heart).

My sister was amazing as well. She thought I was silly for thinking that she wouldn’t accept me, considering that her friend is gay and that she is extremely supportive of the LGBTQ community. Then in the parking lot at Starbucks we had a long discussion about feminism and sexuality and it was so liberating and amazing to be honest with my sister, who is also my best friend. I felt like we connected more. Like we’re closer.