{{q|What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?|Moses|America}}{{ref|moses}}

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{{q|What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way [[The Lord|the LORD]] our God is near us whenever we pray to him?|Moses|America{{ref|moses}}}}

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__toc__

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AFM, the magazine for ''True [[Christian]]s''&trade;, was formed to cater to the needs of the modern [[bible|biblical]] fundamentalist{{ref|fundie}}.

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'''AFM''', the magazine for "''True [[Christian]]s''&trade;", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern [[bible|biblical]] fundamentalist{{ref|fundie}}.

By "modern" they mean "well before ''the [[Enlightenment]]''", or as it says at the top of the Editor's page, ''"Because [[God]] Loved the [[Dark Ages]]"''.

By "modern" they mean "well before ''the [[Enlightenment]]''", or as it says at the top of the Editor's page, ''"Because [[God]] Loved the [[Dark Ages]]"''.

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The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that pretendstoknowthe[[Bible]]by-heart but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish ''good bits'' like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the ''"I'm chosen, so "F" y'all"'' nature of the Old Testament.

+

The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that knowsanappropriateScripturalquotefor any occasion but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish ''good bits'' like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the ''"I'm chosen, so "F" y'all"'' nature of the Old Testament.

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__toc__

==Mission<s>ary</s>==

==Mission<s>ary</s>==

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Simply put, the mission of AFM is to roll the clock back to a simpler time, before the evil secular humanists and their life partners, the [[Jew]]s, stole the [[U.S.A.]] from the righteous and turned it from the high road of the loving goodness of the Old Testament, and onto the low road of ''<shudder>'' [[liberal]] [[Christianity]] or ''<gasp!>'' [[atheism]], leading our great nation straight to Aich Ee Double [[Hockey]] sticks{{ref|hell}}.

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Simply put, the mission of AFM is to roll the clock back to a simpler time, before the evil secular humanists and their life partners, the [[Jew]]s, stole the [[U.S.A.]] from the righteous and turned it from the high road of the loving goodness of the Old Testament onto the low road of ''*shudder*'' [[liberal]] [[Christianity]] or ''*gasp!*'' [[atheism]], leading our great Christian Nation&trade; straight to ''Aich Ee Double [[Hockey]] sticks''{{ref|hell}}.

==Contents==

==Contents==

===Editorial Pages===

===Editorial Pages===

[[Image:Pat robertson.jpg|thumb|right|God told this man that you should kill Hugo Chávez]]

[[Image:Pat robertson.jpg|thumb|right|God told this man that you should kill Hugo Chávez]]

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This is where, each month, a different famous militant [[Protestant]] figure gives his opinion on what is wrong with the world. Occasionally it will have a militant southern [[Baptist]] figure, but the message is always the same.

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This is where, each month, a different famous militant figure who follows one of the more [[ ‎Damn Fundamentalist Christians|right-wing branches of Christianity]] gives his opinion on what is wrong with the world. Usually it will have a militant southern [[Baptist]] figure, but the message is always the same.

Also, it's always a man. A [[white people|white]] man. A white man in a tailored suit. A white man in a really expensive tailored suit.

Also, it's always a man. A [[white people|white]] man. A white man in a tailored suit. A white man in a really expensive tailored suit.

===Letters to the Editor===

===Letters to the Editor===

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In this section people write into the magazine to either complain about how the lack of [[prayer]] in public schools is bankrupting America, or to praise [[Original Jesus|Jesus]] for healing whatever affliction they had. Of course, this healing occured after they received treatment at a hospital, but this really just means that He heard their prayers there, instead of their prayers at home or the ones in the car on the way to see the doctor.

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In this section people write into the magazine to either complain about how the lack of [[prayer]] in public schools is bankrupting America, or to praise [[Original Jesus|Jesus]] for healing whatever affliction they had. Of course, this healing occurred after they received treatment at a hospital, but this really just means that He heard their prayers there, instead of their prayers at home or the ones in the car on the way to see the doctor.

===What God Wants===

===What God Wants===

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[[Image:Bible.jpg|100px|left|Everything god wants, He wrote down here.]]

Here a different person each month tells us, as the title implies, what God wants.

Here a different person each month tells us, as the title implies, what God wants.

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The various people that have contributed cover a wide spectrum of American society, from white Protestant ministers all the way to white Protestant theologians.

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The various people who have contributed cover a wide spectrum of American society, from white Protestant ministers all the way to white Protestant theologians.

[[Image:Unnews_elton_gay.jpg|thumb|300px|God hates lots of things, but He hates fags the most]]

[[Image:Unnews_elton_gay.jpg|thumb|300px|God hates lots of things, but He hates fags the most]]

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===Why God Hates:===

Every month AFM has a different author write an apoplectic [[rant]] on how bad something is. The subject of that something varies from month to month, but typical subjects of the authors' righteous bile include:

Every month AFM has a different author write an apoplectic [[rant]] on how bad something is. The subject of that something varies from month to month, but typical subjects of the authors' righteous bile include:

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*[[aliens|foreigners]]

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*[[aliens|Foreigners]]

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*babykillers{{ref|babies}}

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*Uppity[[Black_People|coloreds]]

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*[[Catholic]]s

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*Abortionists{{ref|babies}}

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*shrimp{{ref|shrimp}}

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*<airquotes>Christians</airquotes> who follow a false version of Christianity

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*uppity [[Black_People|coloreds]]

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*Shrimp{{ref|shrimp}}

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*secular humanist [[liberal]] [[atheist]] [[homo]]s

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*[[Fags]]

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*Secular humanist [[Liberal]] [[atheist]] [[homo]]s

and recently

and recently

*[[Muhammad]]{{ref|islam}}

*[[Muhammad]]{{ref|islam}}

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Fourout of tentimes the article will be about homos. God hates lots of things, but fags piss him off the most.

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Fortypercent of thetime the article will be about homos.

===Biblical Science===

===Biblical Science===

Line 50:

Line 49:

This section proves that the ''"science"'' of the secular world is wrong. Secular ''"science"'', as it is run by ''"scientists"'' that hate God, fails to take into account the undeniable fact that God did it. It matters little what the subject is; God is the [[republican|right]] answer.

This section proves that the ''"science"'' of the secular world is wrong. Secular ''"science"'', as it is run by ''"scientists"'' that hate God, fails to take into account the undeniable fact that God did it. It matters little what the subject is; God is the [[republican|right]] answer.

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It's generally a short section, only a few pages or so, because once you know that God did it you no longer have to ask any questions.

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It's generally a short section, only a page or two, because once you know that God did it you no longer have to ask any questions.

The [[church]] of [[Darwin]]ism is built on a foundation of lies. Its bricks are formed from [[ignorance]] and its mortar from superstition. The roof is made from [[greed]] and the windows from intolerance{{ref|curtains}}.

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The [[church]] of [[Darwinism]] is built on a foundation of lies. Its bricks are formed from [[ignorance]] and its mortar from superstition. The roof is made from [[greed]] and the windows from intolerance{{ref|curtains}}.

How can a building made from such things not crumble away?

How can a building made from such things not crumble away?

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Do these Darwinites not see that life is too complex to have possibly formed over six days ''without'' the guiding hand of God? Are they so [[blind]] as to assume that we can ever possibly understand how thingswork? The fault lays with [[evolution]]. Evolution leads to atheism, and atheism leads to people [[think]]ing for themselves.

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Do these Darwinites not see that life is too complex to have possibly formed over six days ''without'' the guiding hand of God? Are they so [[blind]] as to assume that we can ever possibly understand how anythingworks? The fault lays with the "theory" of [[evolution]]. Evolution leads to agnosticism, agnosticism leads to atheism, and atheism leads to people [[think]]ing for themselves.

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This, God cannot allow. Use the free will He gave you and ''choose'' to ignore the [[logic]]-filled [[babel|babble]] of those damned souls. Who are you going to follow, God or some [[nerd]]?

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This God cannot allow. Use the free will that He gave you and ''choose'' to ignore the [[logic]]-filled [[babel|babble]] of those damned souls. Who are you going to follow, God or some [[nerd]]?

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Without God, there is no [[creationism|creation]]. Without creation there is no man. Therefore, without God there is no [[man]]. Ergo creation, as it appears in [[Genesis]], is the literal truth. It's simple. So simple that an [[idiot]] could think of it.

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Without God, there is no [[creationism|creation]]. Without creation there is no man. Therefore, without God there is no [[man]]. Ergo creation, as it appears in [[Genesis]], is the literal truth. It's simple. So simple that even an [[idiot]] could think of it.

The other sections of the Bible, erm, American Fundie Monthly vary from month to month, but have included:

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===Miscellaneous===

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The other sections of the Bible, erm, American Fundie Magazine vary from month to month, but have included:

*101 G-d given reasons to stone people.

*101 G-d given reasons to stone people.

*Jews drink the [[blood]] of Christian [[babies]], and we have the hearsay to prove it!

*Jews drink the [[blood]] of Christian [[babies]], and we have the hearsay to prove it!

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*[[arabs|Sand niggers]] hate America: why they're wrong.

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*The perils of [[empathy]]

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*[[Divorce]] is against God's plan, by [[Rush Limbaugh]]

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*[[Divorce]] is against God's divine plan, by [[Rush Limbaugh]]

*[[Europe]]: The new [[Babel]]?

*[[Europe]]: The new [[Babel]]?

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*Was "The [[Passion of the Christ]]" violent enough?

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*Was ''The [[Passion of the Christ]]'' violent enough?

===Quizzes===

===Quizzes===

Quizzes in AFM are self-help guides that tell you what is wrong with the people, places, things and concepts that surround you, threatening to drag you out of the light of righteousness and into the darkity dark of darkness{{ref|grue}}.

Quizzes in AFM are self-help guides that tell you what is wrong with the people, places, things and concepts that surround you, threatening to drag you out of the light of righteousness and into the darkity dark of darkness{{ref|grue}}.

*Is your neighbor coveting your [[wife]]?

*Is your neighbor coveting your [[wife]]?

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*Are you intolerantenough?{{ref|tolerance}}

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*How much do you loveJesus?/How much do you love America?/How much does Jesus love America?

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*Does the [[Pope]] shitinthewoods?

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*Is [[Roman Catholic|papistry]] really hereticalorextremelyheretical?

*How many of the ''[[Seven Golden Virtues]]'' are you ignoring?

*How many of the ''[[Seven Golden Virtues]]'' are you ignoring?

*Is your Afghan hound [[Muslim]]?

*Is your Afghan hound [[Muslim]]?

*Yahweh's Abomination Crossword: From "[[Adultery]]" to "[[Shrimp]]"

*Yahweh's Abomination Crossword: From "[[Adultery]]" to "[[Shrimp]]"

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===Where's Sinner?===

[[Image:Waldoq.jpg|thumb|right|The popular "Where's Sinner?" comic has been a staple of AFM since its inception]]

[[Image:Waldoq.jpg|thumb|right|The popular "Where's Sinner?" comic has been a staple of AFM since its inception]]

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An homage to the irritating "Where's [[Waldo]]" series, rather than a blatant [[copyright]] violation, the "Where's Sinner?" series of comics hides sinners in [[cartoon]] scenes and you, as a devoted fundie, must root them out for ridicule and stoning.

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A typical "Where's Sinner?" is on the right. See if you can catch the [[sin]]ner. The one and only correct answer is at the bottom of the page.

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===Where's Sinner?===

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An homage to the irritating ''Where's [[Waldo]]'' series, rather than a blatant [[copyright]] violation, the ''Where's Sinner?'' series of comics hides sinners in [[cartoon]] scenes and you, as a devoted fundie, must root them out for ridicule and stoning.

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A typical ''Where's Sinner?'' is on the right. See if you can catch the [[sin]]ner. The one and only correct answer is at the bottom of the page.

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==<small>The Role of Women in AFM==

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==The Role of Women in AFM==

Women are rarely allowed to contribute to AFM as the publishers have heard that the New Testament says women should not speak in church{{ref|chixnchurch}}. Since they treat the magazine as an extension of church the men in charge of the magazine believe that broads should shut up there too, no matter how pious the [[bitch]]es think they are.

Women are rarely allowed to contribute to AFM as the publishers have heard that the New Testament says women should not speak in church{{ref|chixnchurch}}. Since they treat the magazine as an extension of church the men in charge of the magazine believe that broads should shut up there too, no matter how pious the [[bitch]]es think they are.

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Mostly they just run{{ref|run}} bake night.</small>

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Mostly they just run{{ref|run}} bake night.

==Footnotes==

==Footnotes==

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#{{note|godwants}} But we said it anyway, just in case there are broads out there who think that they know what God wants. Send money.

#{{note|godwants}} But we said it anyway, just in case there are broads out there who think that they know what God wants. Send money.

#{{note|checks}} God needs your money, but He needs your checks to be payable to the church for some reason.

#{{note|checks}} God needs your money, but He needs your checks to be payable to the church for some reason.

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#{{note|babies}} We have to protect people at the beginning of their lives and at the end. For that eighty year bit in the middle, they're on their own.

#{{note|shrimp}} Lev 11:9-12, Deut 14:9-10

#{{note|shrimp}} Lev 11:9-12, Deut 14:9-10

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#{{note|babies}} Killing the unborn is a terrible crime, unless the killer is God and the fetuses happen to be Babylonian, or if the pregos pick the wrong god to worship. Then it's okay (Is 13:18, Hos 13:16). Also it's okay if God told you to commit genocide, as genocide means "kill everyone" (1 Sam 15:1-8). It's all right if the King of Heshbon has refused to grant you safe passage through his land, since everyone in Heshbon has got to go (Deut 2:23-34). Just don't forget to loot their homes and take their cattle as well (Deut 2:35). So, to recap, it's okay for God to do it, for you to do it (but only if you're killing everyone anyway) if He tells you to, or if they get in your way.

#{{note|islam}} So, swarthy skinned adversaries of the one true God, which is it? Muhammad, Muhammed, Mohammad or Mohammed? What kind of a prophet needs aliases? Not Jesus Christ, Son of God, Son of Man, Prince of Peace! No sir-ee!

#{{note|islam}} So, swarthy skinned adversaries of the one true God, which is it? Muhammad, Muhammed, Mohammad or Mohammed? What kind of a prophet needs aliases? Not Jesus Christ, Son of God, Son of Man, Prince of Peace! No sir-ee!

#{{note|curtains}} The curtains, meanwhile, are made from a delightful chintz fabric that really sets off your eyes.

#{{note|curtains}} The curtains, meanwhile, are made from a delightful chintz fabric that really sets off your eyes.

#{{note|salvation}} Hint: It has something to do with accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior (Eph 2:8-9). It has nothing to do with bullshit like "good deeds". Only Catholics go for that crap.

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#{{note|salvation}} Hint: It has something to do with accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior (Eph 2:8-9). It has nothing to do with bullshit like "good deeds". Only Catholics and Mormons go for that crap.

Latest revision as of 12:02, September 6, 2011

Contents

AFM, the magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist[2].

By "modern" they mean "well before the Enlightenment", or as it says at the top of the Editor's page, "Because God Loved the Dark Ages".

The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that knows an appropriate Scriptural quote for any occasion but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish good bits like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the "I'm chosen, so "F" y'all" nature of the Old Testament.

Simply put, the mission of AFM is to roll the clock back to a simpler time, before the evil secular humanists and their life partners, the Jews, stole the U.S.A. from the righteous and turned it from the high road of the loving goodness of the Old Testament onto the low road of *shudder*liberalChristianity or *gasp!*atheism, leading our great Christian Nation™ straight to Aich Ee Double Hockey sticks[3].

This is where, each month, a different famous militant figure who follows one of the more right-wing branches of Christianity gives his opinion on what is wrong with the world. Usually it will have a militant southern Baptist figure, but the message is always the same.

Also, it's always a man. A white man. A white man in a tailored suit. A white man in a really expensive tailored suit.

In this section people write into the magazine to either complain about how the lack of prayer in public schools is bankrupting America, or to praise Jesus for healing whatever affliction they had. Of course, this healing occurred after they received treatment at a hospital, but this really just means that He heard their prayers there, instead of their prayers at home or the ones in the car on the way to see the doctor.

Every month AFM has a different author write an apoplectic rant on how bad something is. The subject of that something varies from month to month, but typical subjects of the authors' righteous bile include:

“When the real world contradicts a literal interpretation of the Bible, it's the real world that's wrong. God's word is inerrant, the physical universe is not.”

~ Biblical Fundamentalist on God's word versus the real world

This section proves that the "science" of the secular world is wrong. Secular "science", as it is run by "scientists" that hate God, fails to take into account the undeniable fact that God did it. It matters little what the subject is; God is the right answer.

It's generally a short section, only a page or two, because once you know that God did it you no longer have to ask any questions.

The church of Darwinism is built on a foundation of lies. Its bricks are formed from ignorance and its mortar from superstition. The roof is made from greed and the windows from intolerance[9].

How can a building made from such things not crumble away?

Do these Darwinites not see that life is too complex to have possibly formed over six days without the guiding hand of God? Are they so blind as to assume that we can ever possibly understand how anything works? The fault lays with the "theory" of evolution. Evolution leads to agnosticism, agnosticism leads to atheism, and atheism leads to people thinking for themselves.

This God cannot allow. Use the free will that He gave you and choose to ignore the logic-filled babble of those damned souls. Who are you going to follow, God or some nerd?

Without God, there is no creation. Without creation there is no man. Therefore, without God there is no man. Ergo creation, as it appears in Genesis, is the literal truth. It's simple. So simple that even an idiot could think of it.

Why are all those leftist hippies trying to curtail our righteous right to do whatever we want with our Earth? Don't they know that God made the Earth just for us? Don't they realize that God gave it to us? It's right there in the Bible[10]. Don't they read the Bible?

The answer, obviously, is no.

Damn dirty hippies.

With their "love" and "peace", hippies are a plague on mankind. They're all communist pinko lefties, it's true. Some of them are even homosexual lesbian faggots, with hairy legs and gay sex with other homos! Do you remember what God says about people like that? Of course you do...

Quizzes in AFM are self-help guides that tell you what is wrong with the people, places, things and concepts that surround you, threatening to drag you out of the light of righteousness and into the darkity dark of darkness[14].

An homage to the irritating Where's Waldo series, rather than a blatant copyright violation, the Where's Sinner? series of comics hides sinners in cartoon scenes and you, as a devoted fundie, must root them out for ridicule and stoning.

A typical Where's Sinner? is on the right. See if you can catch the sinner. The one and only correct answer is at the bottom of the page.

Women are rarely allowed to contribute to AFM as the publishers have heard that the New Testament says women should not speak in church[15]. Since they treat the magazine as an extension of church the men in charge of the magazine believe that broads should shut up there too, no matter how pious the bitches think they are.

^ So, swarthy skinned adversaries of the one true God, which is it? Muhammad, Muhammed, Mohammad or Mohammed? What kind of a prophet needs aliases? Not Jesus Christ, Son of God, Son of Man, Prince of Peace! No sir-ee!

^ The curtains, meanwhile, are made from a delightful chintz fabric that really sets off your eyes.