Glines Over Breakfast

What does a guy have to do to get an Eggo hookup? I could write to them on Twitter, but who knows where the person who responds to their tweets winds up on the corporate food chain. I’ve dealt with enough social media people to tell you that they’re customer service representatives in a different venue. All they can do is acknowledge you if you praise them or forward your concerns to the person who’s able to address them. It’s not their fault. They have a job to do and many of them do it to the best of their abilities.

Eggo waffles are part of the mythological juggernaut Kellogg’s. I will be talking about many of their products in the future. They are such an integral part of breakfast that it would be irresponsible of me to discuss breakfast and not mention their name. I have attempted to find someone over at Kellogg’s who’s willing to talk to me. No such luck. I could write to their generic contact form, but that’s a waste of time. Thousands of people likely use that form daily, leaving Kellogg’s with a pile of queries that will go unanswered.

I want to get the ear of a living breathing person working over at Kellogg’s. Someone who can take my request and turn it into action. There was a time when doing such a thing wasn’t such a chore. You could write to a company and someone would get back to you with an actual response. They wouldn’t dig a canned reply off of their pile of scripts in the hopes that you would blindly keep quiet. They would actually take the time to respond to your query in a way that would ensure that you’re satisfied.

I’m not saying that Kellogg’s has dropped the ball in any way here. I’m sure that they will be very receptive to me when I make contact with them. I just need to find the right person to contact. In a world of nearly identical job titles, it’s challenging to track down the individual who will answer your questions. You could find someone who seems like they’re in the right department only to find out that they do something completely different from what their job title signifies. Persistence is key and persistent is what I will be.

Nothing will keep me from my Eggo waffles. If you told me that there was a case of Eggo waffles on the other end of a brick wall, I would do my best Hulk impression and try to break through to get to it. I have tried almost every generic brand of frozen waffles I’ve been able to get my hands on. Some of them are alright while others are forgettable. None of them hold a candle to Eggo waffles. I fully admit that I might be susceptible to choosing Eggo waffls just because they’re a name brand. I don’t mind. In all reality, I’m sure that if their waffles didn’t taste the best, I would pass them over for waffles from another brand.

How come nobody told me there was such a thing as donut cereal? I noticed the Captain Crunch version (the sprinkles one, not the chocolate one) at my local grocery store recently. I hesitated for a moment and decided that I didn’t want to buy it. This hesitation was a mistake because this cereal was gone the next time I went to the store. I haven’t seen a box for sale of any kind of donut cereal since then.

I decided to do an extensive amount of research to see if donut cereal was or ever had been a thing. I was surprised to find out that there had been several types of this cereal stretching back decades. I had never seen many of these products because they came out well before my time. I will tell you that they look much more interesting than what Captain Crunch decided to bring to the table. I would buy these cereals if I found them at my local grocery store.

When discussing products that come in boxes, it’s tempting to think of the old cliche “don’t judge a book by its cover.” Normally, I steer clear of this idea for the same reason that so many of us dismiss it as a cliche. You have to look at what’s beneath the surface to determine the true meaning and value. Cereal is a much different thing though. The boxes in which cereal is sold determine their entire identity.

I enjoyed looking over all the unique varieties of Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal. The box art was so appealing that it seemed like something that would work well in today’s cereal aisle. This cereal came out in 1988. I couldn’t find a definitive year when this product left the market. I also was unable track down reviews from people who remembered what this cereal even tasted like. I would assume that the reaction was less than stellar. After all, it came and went faster than we realized they even arrived.

Donuts are a major part of the imagery associated with The Simpsons. Homer Simpson loves his donuts and many episodes of this long running series are devoted to that fact. I was surprised to find that there was a Simpsons donut cereal. The choice to make it cinnamon donut flavored when Homer’s obsession centers on frosted donuts. Again, I could not find a time period during which this cereal was on the grocery store shelves. Based on the box art, I would place its existence somewhere in the mid-1990’s.

The final two entries in this series could best be described as unknown players. They are Dinky Donuts and Powdered Donutz. The box art for these two cereals places them well before my time, likely in the late-1960’s or early to mid-1970’s. I would pass on Dinky Donuts just because of how the product looks on the box. I guess this product came out before the era of food stylists. I thought that the product looked much less like donut cereal and more like an extremely unappealing Cheerios.

Powdered Donutz has the look of a donut themed version of Frosted Cheerios. Say what you will about Frosted Cheerios, but there was a time when I loved it. Taking the delightful parts about that cereal and making them donut based seems awesome. If any cereal outside of the Dunkin Donuts brand were to come back, I would want it to be Powdered Donutz.

I love donuts and I love cereals. Merging the two worlds eliminates the need for me to struggle between picking a donut over a bowl of cereal. I am despondent at the fact that there are no donut cereals on the market right now. I would assume that you can find one of the Captain Crunch donut varieties somewhere. If I see one at the store, I will pick it up. I would also love for a new kind of donut cereal to appear and change the game.