pcu-advice.wav
Jeremy Piven as James "Droz" Andrews ... "Want some advice?"
Chris Young (I) as Tom Lawrence ... "Well, yeah."
Droz ... "Well, here's all you need to know. Classes, nothing before 11. Beer, its your best friend, you drink a lot of it. Women, you're a freshman, so its pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?"
Tom ... "Uh, no."
Droz ... "Someone on your hall will...find them and make friends with them on the first day."

Length
00:13Filesize140k

pcu-atthepit.wav
Megan Ward as Katy ... "Hey Droz, what do you think about this. 'Tonight at The Pit: Everyone Gets Laid'."
Droz ... "Hmm...that's tasteless, disgusting and offensive. I like it."

pcu-justice.wav
Kevin Thigpen as Afrocentrist ... "I'm a black man! There is no justice for me here in America! I should be at the front of the line!"
Jonathan Wilson as Gay Activist ... "Yeah, well, I'm gay and subject to ridicule and discrimination wherever I go."
Womynist #1 ... "Women are oppressed throughout the world, give it a rest!"

Length
00:11Filesize122k

pcu-laid.wav
Droz ... "Now, it's true....the majority of students today are so cravenly P.C. that they wouldn't know a good time if it were sitting on their face, BUT, there is one thing that will always unite us and them! They're young! They may not realize it yet! They've got the same raging hormones, the same self-destructive desire to get boldly trashed and wildly out of control! Look out that window! That's not a protest! That is a cry for help! They're begging us! Please have a party! Feed us drinks! GET US LAID! AAAAAAAAH!!"
Jake Beecham as Dave #1 ... "That's a pretty strange theory, Droz."

Length
00:44Filesize477k

pcu-meat.wav
Jessica Walter as President Garcia-Thompson ... "You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day, you installed speed bumps on the handicap ramps, and most recently, you dumped a hundred pounds of....meat, on a peaceful vegan protest!"
Droz ... "Oh, come on! That was way more than a hundred pounds!"

Length
00:16Filesize174k

pcu-person.wav
Droz ... "Hey monkeys! How 'bout a little respect! The presiding person of the University just walked in."
The Band ... "Playing 'Hail to the Chief'."

pcu-thesis.wav
Droz ... "PIGMAN!!"
Tom ... "What's he doing?"
Droz ... "He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV!"
Tom ... "That's his thesis?"
Droz ... "Yes! That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in GameBoy if you know how to bullshit!"

Length
00:20Filesize220k

pcu-times.wav
Droz ... "Times have changed in the past 30 years, To-mas. We no longer swill sherry and screw goats for fun anymore."