Welp, This Month Marks 10 years since Loosing my Afather to this Dreadful Disease... I Still look back on it and Wonder, (Knowing I Shouldn't) What Could have been... knowing in my Heart, the Results would always be the Same... His Illness didn't allow him much freedom, it was an Everyday all day kinda thing in the end, I Remember Days before finding him, Begging him to let me take him to an AA Meeting... 'Having No Clue what that even Meant at the Time!' I Said, "Dad I Will Go with You! I Will Hold your Hand and Sit Right Next to You!" and he looked at me with Grey Eyes, his Brown Eyes No Longer Sparkling the Light I Once knew from him... and Said "I Can't Do it... I Just Can't!" and we Both Just Cried... He Knew it had him, and he knew then... His days was Numbered...

Tomorrow My Afather would have been 68 yrs young, its hard for me to Accept sometimes the Age my Father Past, I Fight Emotions sometimes daily, on WHY? knowing the Answer doesn't Help, Knowing its a Disease Don't Help, Knowing it was his Life All His Life, Doesn't Help either... I Remember when I Landed Here, I Just wanted to Blame Someone... Anyone... for the Loss that just ripped at my Heart, feeling like I was Finally at an age where "Memories" with him where Coming more Often... But the Reality of that Truth was More because I Was Finally at the Age where I Could Sit on a Bar Stool Next to him and Drink!

That was My Reality, My Family Time, My Cherished Memories with my Father... Tomorrow Like any other Holiday, I Would Track him down at the Local bar, and We would Share his GIFTS at the Bar... I Think in the Back of My mind, I Hoped it would Embarrass him Enough, that the Next Holiday he would make more of an Effort to Stay Home... I too Learned Manipulations Very Young... Though that one Never Worked... He Couldn't wait for the Entire bar to see him be Treated like a King, He Beamed when I would Show Up, and he would Yell across the bar "Well there is My Girl!" and I Remember well Everyone in the Bar turning to Look at me, as I Walk in Carrying his Gifts, like he was Mayor or Something...

Even tho they are Some Pretty Crappy Memories to share with your parent, they was All I had... So I Was Grateful, and Today, knowing I Will Never have them again.. Makes me Miss them even More...

My Dad Died on Thanksgiving, Alone, with his 1/2gallon Bottle of Vodka and a Shot Glass within reach! I Play that day over and over in my Mind to the point of Insanity! I Remember the Smell in the House, I Remember the 11 Total bottles of vodka empty sitting in the kitchen, and One by the Couch where he was Found... I Remember my ABrother being so ripped up, that he Broke into my Fathers house the Night we found him, and Stealing that Last Bottle of Vodka, because he too had Just turned the age where he could make memories with our father on the bar stole!

This Disease Riddles me with Scars, Big and Little... and Now its been 8yrs in Oct that I Have become sober, and even knowing there is no guarantee I will make it any further in life then My Dad did, I Pray hard that the memories I make with my Own son, are memories that wont hurt him when I'm gone! Memories he can be Proud of, instead of Carrying around all these Resentments I have been working Years to Let Go of!

Al-Anon/MIP has Breathed Life back into me, to the point like I Feel "I CAN!" I Still have Days when I can Taste that Rum & Pepsi in my Mouth, even when I Haven't had it in over 8yrs, I Can Wake up Tasting it after yet another Dream, about the Nights I Just Loved Life at the End of the Bottle! I Still have Moments where I Think "Just One Night I Could Again, Just Forget it All! Just Once!" I Fight my Resistance on a Regular basis, but More so in the months of Nov-Dec when I Can't get outdoors due to weather, or the Darkness that Comes for what seems Like Forever! These are the Months I have to Work Overtime on getting my Head out of the way of My Heart, and I have to Try and Work my Program like Never before! Yet there are Days I Just flat Out FAIL My Program, but Thankfully... I haven't Fail my Sobriety!

So This is a Hard Holiday for me, and to Distract my insecure, unsure, out of control Emotions... I Decided Thanksgiving would be one of My Holidays to Cook, and Have my Entire Family around, and even tho cooking for 30+ people is A lot of Work, it Truly helps me Deal better... And Like Every Year, I Know it will end with me Crying in my Pillow, Not because I Didn't have a Great Day, but because I Just Miss My Dad! His Insanity, His Love, His Ability to Make me Laugh, Just before I Wanted to Knock him Out! His Off the Wall Jokes, His Hugs, but Mostly I Miss the Way he would make me feel like the Only Girl, in a Room full of People! And I Miss the Sparkle his Brown Eyes Once had, that just made me Feel like, it was Going to be Ok... Even when I Knew it wouldn't be...

This Disease is Hard! Its Hard to Love them, Its Hard to be them, and Sometimes they Bring out the Worst in Us, but I Can tell you... When that are Gone, they will still leave a hole... I'm sitting at 10yrs, and he is still an Everyday Thought for me, Not Just because he was My Dad, but because so much of Him, is Within Me! Its Odd I thank God for Not Making Me Look like him, (I Look like my Momma!) because I think that would make it even Harder... But I Still See him in my Sister's Eyes, and I Hear him in my Brother's Voice & Laughter and Sometimes, that Helps...

So I Have Decided, that Even tho I'm sitting in a Lake a tears, I'm Going to Swim... I'm Going to Look Forward to My Brothers Laughter at my Table, and I'm Going to Look into My Sisters Eyes, and Know... He is Present at the table, I'm Going to Talk of the Great Times, and I'm Going to Embrace the Tears if they Chose to Fall... Because being Human Comes with Tears, Laughter, Love... I Will No Longer be Ashamed to Cry because someone Might get Upset, in my Upbringing Crying meant you were weak! And Today I Know that Crying Makes me Human, and I'm Pretty Ok with that!

Hoping all that Celebrate, Enjoy & Embrace the Good, and I Pray that Your HP Only Allows you to See the Good in your Day, and Don't let the Little things Drive you to Insanity, If the Bird isn't Done on time, it just means you have more time with your Family/Friends, if the house isn't spotless, Don't Sweat it, they are not coming to Inspect your Home, they are Coming to Spend their Holiday with you, and for Me I have Learned that is Enough... Embrace the babies, Laugh with the kids, but Mainly... Feed your Soul with Cheer! I know I'm not the only one that Struggles thru these holidays, and I Hope that you Show your Family, Your Sparkle... SHINE ON... and Happy/Merry Holidays :)

What a powerful, heart-felt share!! There were times I teared up... you know, a girl just never forgets the love of her father. In many ways I feel, she is always searching for that same feeling in other men in her adult life (whether she admits it or not).

I just wanted to also say congratulations on your sobriety!! I can read from your post that it was hard fought and that you keep fighting even now to keep it!! Well done!!
I really like that you have chosen to feed others as therapy! 30 people is a BIG task, but by your words, I can tell that you are so up for the challenge! And as you cry in your pillow at the end of that day, please also think about all the people who you had a direct hand in feeding their bodies and souls! YOU nourished them with the food you cooked, but you also nourished their souls with providing a gathering place... by showing and sharing your Peace of Program.
I can think of no better way really, of honoring your father! In all honesty, I can just see him looking down at this loving gathering, saying to himself, "Now, there's my girl!"

As I cook for my little family, I will celebrate you... I will lift a glass and toast the one who touched my heart today!

Peace, Jozie!!

__________________

PnP

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

((Jozie))) I hear you and share your tears and gratifude love your decision to appreciate you brother's laughter and sister's eyes That is a truee gift of program . I can be in the moment and the day-- leave the past in the past (as I have handed it to HP) and find serenity and love in the day

(Jozie) That was truly a beautiful share. It is so incredibly hard to lose our parents, particularly when you feel like you have been robbed of the years you should have had due to the disease.
It is so true that a huge gaping hole is left even though at times that person may have brought out the worst in us. That is the risk of loving someone, we lose them and it hurts.
I hope you have a wonderful visit with your sister and brother. Hugs.

Yes, I believe that to be true of Daughters and Fathers as well :) And Thank you, My Sobriety is a One Day at a time kinda thing, and I'm Grateful for Each Day I Wake up to Find I Made another one...

And Thank you for the perspective on feeding others, I May not have got there on my own, but I'm grateful for the thought... I Have invited 38, but I'm at peace with who ever shows, Al-Anon taught me to take the good with the bad, and I No longer stay focused on the ones that "Didn't Accept" my invite, and instead stay focused on the ones that did ;) It took me along time to get there... And it does feel nice ;) And Yes, I Hope you & your little Family also have an Amazing day... Its not the Quantity, its the Quality of time we get :)

(((Hotrod)))

That is Exactly how I View my Program "Gift" its a Gift I Can Continue to Give to myself with every waking day, and a Gift No one can take from me, but Me :) Forever Grateful for your Wisdom, but Mostly your Love... Wishing you and Yours a Very Happy Thanksgiving :)

(((Serenity)))

Thank you for your Love & Support, I'm Forever Grateful for the Love we Share here at MIP, I'm Always Lifted by the Love that is So Freely Given... I Hope you and yours also have a nice holiday :)

Its Going to be a Tough Day, Just Like tomorrow, will be tough since its his birthday, but I Will come back HERE and Read when I Feel I Need too... Because will Hold me Up till I Feel I Can Walk Softly on my own :) THANK YOU ALL for taking the time to Read, and Share with me, My Gratitude is Forever in Place :)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. He must have been a real charmer. And I think no matter what, he let you know you were loved--was not a mean drunk. At least when you got big enough to join him.

Is it any comfort to think about maybe you don't have to go to the bar to see him? That you can talk to him right where you are? I don't think they ever really leave us and now he always has a clear mind.

You did all you could then and having a feast now is a loving and wonderful thing to do.

You are precious. It is obvious your father loved you very much.

Take what you like, and if you like, begin a new story about your father? If you think about it, don't you think he'd want you to be happy? To rejoice in the gifts he gave you? I am sure you inherited some of your lovely and lovable qualities from him, in spite of all. Maybe because of some of it all. Alcoholics can have wonderful personalities. And I think a lot of them are very sensitive. Maybe not always as much to other people as we'd like, but maybe they are overwhelmed with sensory information.

And--in addition to all the wonderful help you've gotten from AA and Alanon, if you live in a big enough place that there are grief counselors, one might be able to help you move on through some of the stages. At the end of it all is acceptance, and we know what a wonderful gift that is.

I'm grateful for people like you who bless me. I hope you can be comforted by the love we have for you. You are so generous and kind'give some of that to Jozie, as well

I Find so Many things in Common with you thru your Recovery, things I'm Grateful for like how you look at things, but More so How you Break them down so that I too can See their Worth What a Blessing you are to my Recovery...

I Do Talk to my Dad, Sometimes Daily... and I Have a Picture of him in my Room, that I Give Kisses too when i'm down and Lonesome in missing him...

He was Many things, He Had the "Mean Drunk" for Some of his Lady Friends Without a doubt, but with Me it was Just Different... Of his 5 Children I was the only one Still Speaking to him at the time of His Death, the two Youngest, Desired it, but just didn't have the means to track him down... My Little Brother was Just "Coming of Age" where he could share time with him at bar, and My older Sister hadn't spoke to him for 15yrs before he past... I'm Grateful I didn't take that Route, He Depended on me remaining in his Life even if it was Chaotic and Crazy at times, I Never Waivered... His Disease caused Many Emotional breakdowns with him and I and Our Very Last Fight was Him Crying Asking Me "Why do you Love me or Even Care, I've Never been Good at Anything...and that Includes being your Father!" and My Heart Could Only say, "Dad if you Know NOTHING Else, When you Leave this World You will KNOW Without a Doubt... That I LOVE YOU!" and that is a Promise I Never Broke...

I Do Find Comfort in knowing I have given my Last "GIFT" from Inside a Bar, but I Believe I'm More Happy to know that the Bar I Shared MOST of those Memories in, is No Longer a Bar... I Often Wondered if it Remained a bar, if I wouldn't go there to Sit on my Pity Pot Covered in Last Nights Rum & Pepsi... So Yes... I'm Very Grateful...

This Program, You all, This Page... Has Saved me from Myself More then Not... So I Guess that is Why I Always Find my way back, even after a Long Pause... Because I Need you... All of You... You are My Strength when I Can't find my Feet... and for that I'm Forever Grateful...

((((Jozie)))) My heart doesn't have enough strength to fully express my gratitude for offering that share on MIP. The affect it has had on me means it has value for me as a father also. Mahalo Piha to you and your recovery. (Piha signifies the deepest affect)

Every time you are broken down over his absence, or remembering his passing, you can remember as well that you were always there for him. And he died knowing you loved him. So at some level he knew he was worthwhile.

I watched a video this weekend in which a man who was taken to Heaven at the age of 8 recounted his experience. And this made me cry. He said in Heaven there is no resistance--none of the non-acceptance or "grit" that can happen between mortals (my paraphrase) and no abandonment. Now not everyone on this Earth can do that, nor can everyone do it in any circumstance, and nobody has to feel bad if they can't. But mercifully you could stay with your father, and dear Betty was able to do that with her Stephen. And I can't think of anything that would be more comforting to the bereaved.

I think it is a Holy Moment when someone passes And some of that is with us when we remember, as well.

(((Jozie))) - Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers for peace of heart. Your father sounds awesome - and happy early birthday to him. What I so, so love about your share in that you were able, willing and successful in separating him from his disease. This is such a gift to share with us here! I am humbled by that as it's what recovery is all about - practicing unconditional love and acceptance in spite of the disease and it's affects.

I applaud your sobriety too. Living life on life's terms, and doing so without unhealthy crutches is a miracle for those of us with this disease. I remember when I first arrived @ AA, and was told all I had to do was not pick up that first drink, one day at a time. Of course, meetings, sponsor, program, steps, etc. were also suggested but what I took home first was from an old crusty guy who said, "No matter what, just don't pick up that first drink. Even if your arse is falling off, don't do it. Pick up the phone, pick up the keys (meeting) or pick up the book but don't pick up that drink!!" He was actually kind of frightening to me, yet it stuck and has also been in my mind when I wonder if ......

The dreams pass - it takes time. They were documented and I recall waking startled thinking I had actually relapsed. Fretful, stressed out, sweaty and panicked, but they did pass. It took a long time for me. Just so you know....as they are far from pleasant when they are around!

Cry as much as you need to. Mourn for your loss - it's your right. Just be/do you; keep working it as it looks good on you. I am not sure why, but your share reminded me of the Promises (AA):

~~~ If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. ~~~

(((Hugs))) - you got this and we got you!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Dear little friend ((((((((((Jozie))))))))))))) I can't add anything to these beautiful posts you got from the others..I just wanted to "weigh in" and tell you your story was beautiful to read...the love you and your dad shared, I never knew about...It is obvious he loved you very much and that will carry you through the tough times when they come....and I am so happy for you to be sober yourself and still "goin strong" You have so much love in your heart......the world needs more true and humble and gentle souls like you..............HUGS

(((Jerry))) So Grateful to have you Here, and Even More Grateful I Can Bring you My ESH as you have Often Done in Return... Mahalo My Dear Friend :)

(((Temple))) Thank you for Sharing the Story of the Boy, and Yes... My Daddy Knew I Loved him even at times it may have Felt like I was Failing him at all angles, he knew and that's enough... I have had So Much Loss, and Just this Week Lost Another Friend to this Disease that was but 55, Even Younger then My Dad, and It Made Me realize just how Lucky I was to have him as Long as I Did... In the Past 3 years, I have been a witness to at least 8 YOUNG Fathers & Mothers that Couldn't get out of the stuff, Most was Drugs, but still the Disease that feeds it... Some Late 20's, Early 30's... My Heart Breaks for their Children... When you Live in such a Small town your whole Life, Your Heart is for those that live within it... So I'm Choosing Gratitude for the 35yrs he was My "Here" Dad even if many of those years, he was in his Disease... I'm Still Grateful for the Memories I have, even if In Chaos... So Thank you My Humble Friend, You are One of My Many Blessings I Look forward to Hearing from Always :)

(((Iamhere))) Funny how I don't know Many Peeps that have Got Sober IN Al-Anon, but that was Me :) but I Got the Support in Al-Anon that Many Get in AA, I Still Bought the AA Books, (Daily's, and All) and I was Lucky to have Friends in AA that was Willing to Give me an Extra PUSH When I was Slipping off my Sanity, but Boy am I Grateful for it all... Its Funny You Mentioned the Man kinda Creeping you out, I had an Old Fellow in AA that did that to me Also, Every time he would leave his Meeting, ours ended at the same time, he would track me down in the parking lot and say... "Just Keep Coming Back, Your Miracle will Happen" I Remember thinking he had Lost Him Marbles...lol But I DID... I Listened :) and Boy am I Grateful...
I Can Also Relate to waking up Panicked that I had LOST My Sobriety, Being a Blackout Drinker, I Often felt the Fear upon Waking of "Oh God, What did I Do?" and Now when I Dream it, it Comes back So REAL, it Just Shot thru Every Muscle in my Body, and I Started feeling like a Failure all over again, Till I Can Remember it's Just a Dream... But More Like a Nightmare when it happens... I've Even Woke up in tears so Disappointed in myself, Only to find out it was Just a Dream, and I Pray one Day they will be No More! :)
I Love what the Promises say, and I Do Try Daily to Find that Peace, and Happiness... And Now I'm Gonna have to dig those Promises back out, as they maybe just what I Need for the Month Ahead :) So Thank you Whole Heartedly for Sharing :)

(((Ms.Rosie))) Thank you, Because Every kind thing you said about me, I See in you... Your Heart is the Size of TX when I Hear you Speak of Your Critter Kids, and your Love in your Heart, It Just Makes Me Happy to know that after All you had been thru in your Past, you are Still Willing to Get up Every Day and Do Good & Be Good... You My Friend are Quite an Inspiration and I'm Grateful you are here...

Much Love Always to Each of you Forever Grateful for the Love & Kindness you all so Freely Give :)

(((Jozie)) Thank you for your share. I've been feeling grumpy and "off" the past few days and not sure why. I have much to be grateful for, but I realize I need to dial up my program to help keep me in the present moment... without dragging past unpleasantries around everywhere I go.