Animal rights views may smell a bit off

The neighbor said he wasn’t trying to cause trouble when he ratted out the man who trapped a skunk in his yard.

“I don’t like skunks myself,” the neighbor readily acknowledged. “I don’t know who does. But it’s still an animal.”

I suppose, but let’s be honest. Skunks may be one of God’s creatures and yadda yadda yadda, but they also happen to be disgusting and are known for emitting foul odors, not unlike the crowd at the Summer Nationals. They’re commonly found squashed in the middle of the road, a sight so common that it’s even inspired that rousing classic ballad, “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road,” which is most often played at redneck square dances and political fundraisers for Todd Akin.

Plus, skunks are members of the weasel family, a particularly vile species that includes otters, ferrets, badgers, stoats and Donald Trump.

But the case of Lionel J. Gaumond and the doomed skunk he held hostage for six days before it expired is not exactly, er, black and white. So let’s review the facts.

The 62-year-old Southbridge man will be arraigned next month in Dudley District Court after a magistrate found probable cause to charge him with animal cruelty in connection with the death of the skunk, who, for the sake of clarity, we shall call Pepé Le Pew. According to Gaumond’s girlfriend, the couple was having problems with woodchucks in their large vegetable garden. So Gaumond set a trap in July, planning to catch them and “relocate” them, perhaps to a rodent retirement home in Florida.

But Le Pew, apparently struck by the same urge that causes skunks to routinely stumble into the path of moving vehicles, wandered into the trap and soon emitted a revolting odor, as skunks are wont to do. Not wanting to get sprayed and seeing no other option, Gaumond left it in the trap, where it died six days later.

The neighbor told me he discovered the skunk July 12 after noticing the smell.

“It was awful,” he said, asking that his name not be used. “It was this horrible, horrible smell. So I looked over the fence and saw a skunk in a trap.”

He said he asked Gaumond what he planned to do with Le Pew — although he technically didn’t use that name — and was ignored. So he contacted the local animal control officer, who referred him to the state Environmental Police, who removed Le Pew July 17. He likely died a “slow and painful” death, according to a report by the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which filed the charge.

In other words, a skunk in the garden is no party, and I want to state for the record that I don’t consider this incident one bit funny, lest a compassionate animal rights activist tries to firebomb my house.

Still, though, the incident raises all sorts of pressing questions. Would Gaumond be charged if a rat had died in the trap? How come it’s OK to torture lobsters by plunking them in boiling water? And, after the death of Le Pew, has anyone checked the menu at Periwinkles?

For guidance, I turned to Richard LeBlond, chief of law enforcement for the MSPCA.

“If anyone traps an animal, they have an obligation to relieve its suffering,” LeBlond said. “You just can’t take an animal and allow it to suffer.”

“How about a lobster?” I asked, realizing too late that it sounded like a dinner invitation.

“That’s a little different,” LeBlond said. “A lobster is like a fish, so it wouldn’t be covered.” Although he did note that the MSPCA recommends that the crustaceans are — and I quote — “first put down with a needle through the brain so that it doesn’t suffer,” a procedure employed by approximately no one.

“What if this guy had shot the skunk, boiled it and ate it?” I asked.

“That would have been fine,” he replied.

I mentioned that Punxsutawney Phil endures prolonged suffering, being held captive by a bunch of weird men in top hats from Pennsylvania. To which LeBlond responded: “No,” and I sensed he was getting bored. But he did confirm that rats also have the legal right to avoid prolonged suffering, even though I, personally, would have no problem causing anguish to a rat, a sentiment likely shared by approximately the entire female population of the United States.

LeBlond acknowledged that an animal hierarchy exists, based mainly on the intelligence of the animal.

In closing, I confess that I find these animal rights laws rather confusing. Also, it’s a good thing that a similar hierarchy doesn’t exist for humans, lest it be open season on Deep South Republicans and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.