Thursday, August 11, 2005

Cricket Anyone?

There are times when I wish I was back in India. One of those times is when we guys at UNH get together to play cricket. Now believe me, I don’t have anything against these guys or the game itself. I just have a problem with the concessions we have to make to get a good game going. In my never ending quest for comments I present the game of cricket as played at UNH-Durham,NH,USA in what I perceive to be the most popular format in the blogosphere... the FAQ format. For those of you who are not familiar with the term- FAQs are a set of the 'stupidest' questions that can be asked about a given topic, that beg for a corresponding set of equally stupid answers.

UNH Cricket FAQ...

Q) How is the game of cricket played at UNH different from the traditional game played in India?A) Are you dumb or what? The answer to that one question would obviate the need to ask any other question and would cover the entire post. Didn't you hear me say that this post is designed to be in the FAQ format? Please reframe your question.

Q) Err.. I suppose there are eleven members in a team like in India?A) You supposed wrong. There will be a mammoth figure of exactly 3 players in each team. No more no less. It is indeed a temptation to bring in members of the fair sex to join in to make the numbers more attractive but be warned that this could result in a fate worse than death.

Q) How so?A) Well it's a 10 step process.

1. They(the fair sex of course, in case you were wondering) insist on holding the bat like they hold their teddy bear.2. You show them how to hold the bat.3. They ask you why everything must be done your way.4. You tell them it's not your way but THE way.5. They want to know why your way is THE way.6. You tell them that it's your way BECAUSE it's THE way and not vice-versa.7. They want to know why IT is THE way.8. You pass out. 9. You come around and see that they are still caressing the bat.10. You wish you were back home in India watching a mega serial on Sun TV, which you will of course agree is a fate worse than death.

Q) Of course, of course.. My sympathies.. How do you manage to cover the whole ground with just three people?A) Simple. We don't. We cover one fourth of the ground instead. This has an unfortunate side effect however. The high incompetence level of our batsmen ensures that we end up spending exactly 99.99 % of the total game time collecting the ball from the remaining three fourths of the ground.

Q) Say.. you've changed the number of players and the shape and size of the playing ground? Do you still play cricket with a bat and a ball?A) Of course you dummy. How else would you play cricket? I'm pleased however that you seem to be getting the hang of this FAQ thing. The questions are getting stupider and stupider..

Q) How is the wicket there? Do people normally opt to bat or bowl?A) Ah.. the pitch.. the precious 22 yards between the stumps. It's fine... But what does that have to do with your other question about batting and bowling?

Q) I just wanted to know if the wicket there was favorable for batting first or bowling first.A) Always remember the most strictly followed commandment in UNH, my friend.. The person winning the toss shall always bat first even if God comes down from the heavens and states explicitly that the team batting first will make exactly zero runs.

Q) Are there any differences between the ball you use and the one used in India?A) Good question. Indeed there is. In India you use a cricket ball. Here however, you would use a tennis ball wrapped in white duct tape to make it look like a cricket ball. Apart from appearance, this modified ball has several additional characteristics that make it special.

1. It is slippery enough to guarantee a minimum of 3 wides in an over. This is invaluable in ensuring that every team puts up a double digit total. The slippery nature of the ball is also the main reason behind the phenomenally high ratio of catches dropped to catches taken.. ie infinity.2. It allows the bowler to bowl a spweam ball. For the uninitiated, this is a ball that spins, swings and seams at the same time. Spweam balls have resulted in entire games where batsmen have not connected with the ball even once and has caused several long lasting injuries to wicketkeepers who have been foolish enough to try to collect these balls.3. The softness of the ball guarantees that it goes no further than the length of the bat if at all the batsman does connect with the ball. Note that this makes it extremely difficult to score a run off the bat. Rest assured therefore that all runs scored are wides.

Q) Wow.. is the bat different too?A) Fortunately not.. Two cricket crazy fools actually bought two heavy bats from half-way across the world. These are the same fools who failed to get their toothbrushes. Maybe they thought they could brush with their bats.

Q) What about the stumps?A) We have very rigid rules for stumps here. The only permissible stump will be a 3 dimensional trash can about 1.5 metres tall and atleast 10 inches broader than the biggest guy playing in the game.

Q) Why that strange rule?A) This is the one rule that ensures that no one person stands forever in front of the wicket. It is most critical to the game because the probability of someone getting out by any means other than being bowled is precisely P = 0.0000000000003483. The non-existence of this rule would therefore mean that I would still be on the cricket ground playing last week's match instead of sharing my experiences with you. Don't you dare sigh wistfully now...

Q) I wasn't sighing..(sheepishly).. I remember reading recently that there were eleven ways to dismiss a batsman. Is this true?A) Indeed it is. I guess we both got it from Niyantha's post where a typical chennai auto driver enlightens him about the eleven possible dismissals.

Q) Why then is that probability figure so high.. err.. i mean low?A) Ah.. The answer to that question follows logically from my previous rantings. But let me spell it out for your obviously dense mind by taking each of the remaining 10 dismissals in turn..1. Stumped: I'm sure you will agree that a wicketkeeper who is unable to catch the ball is about as certain of making a stumping as I am of making a million dollars by tomorrow. Add to this what I mentioned of a spweam ball and a wicketkeeper and you will understand why a stumping will never happen.2. Run-out: Who in his right mind would run in the first place if the ball doesn't go farther than the length of the bat? Btw.. in case you were wondering, the length of a bat is approximately 3 feet or 1 meter.3. Caught: Does the phrase "ratio of catches dropped" ring a bell?4. LBW: Who would decide on the LBW? the bowler? the batsman? Or perhaps you are suggesting that we reduce our very large team size of 3 to 2 and dedicate two umpires to make such decisions?5. Hit-wicket: This dismissal is the reason for the non-zero nature of the above-mentioned probability figure. Note also that the critical rule about the size and shape of the stumps is the reason for the relatively large value of P. With normal sized stumps, hit-wickets would be rarer still and P would be more like.. 0.00000000000000000000111.6. Handling the ball: The ball evokes such terror among us that we would rather man-handle a modern day chennai girl and risk a possible(inevitable?) cheek-slipper collision.7. Obstructing the field: With only two members on the field other than the bowler, there doesn't seem much chance of this happening.. does there?8. Hitting the ball twice: hahahahaha... hahahahaha.. That's right.. join me on the floor and laugh. Connecting once is hard enough.. TWICE?... it wouldn't happen even by mistake.. More rolling.. More laughing..9. Retired out: You've got to be kidding. These guys wouldn't retire on breaking their leg even if Catherine Zeta Jones or Trisha offered to dress their wound. And no, an offer of a strip show from them wouldn't do the trick either.10. Timed out: Time out a batsman if you want to take a premature trip to heaven or hell(as is your wont) after being shot on the spot by the player in question. All of us are quite content here on our beloved earth. Thank you.

Phew.. that was a pretty verbose answer.. Hope it was satisfactory.

Q) It was.. Is the ground you play in free always?A) In the event that it is not, all we have to do is take a trip to the tennis courts.

Q) Is that allowed?A) Of course it is. Except for a sign that says "Only tennis should be played in these courts" there is nothing that stops us from playing.

Q) But what about the sign?A) What about it? (puzzled) You ARE Indian aren't you. Since when has it become Indian policy to do as signboards say? We take great pride in our heritage and will not think of doing what our ancestors have never done.

Q) One final question.. Any tips for a newcomer interested in joining you guys for a game of cricket?A) (Thoughtfully) Well.. it is most important for him to stay put in front of the trash can even if the ball is coming towards a very err.. sensitive part of his anatomy. The ball is not hard enough to do any permanent damage anyway. Also, emphasize the fact that reaching out for a wide ball is a cardinal sin and will be punished with a loud wailing noise from his team mates, that will come back to haunt him for the rest of his life. And yeah.. ask him to beware of the spweam ball.. (chuckling).

[divya] All in the name of humor div.. lol.. Or maybe you would prefer "like they hold a saucepan"? :pAs for the ground. It's a really huge one. I think I've shown you the pic.. I hope you didn't think when I meant the "ground" word that people use when they are on a land buying spree in India..Oru ground, rendu ground.. :D

leon>> this is in reply to your post on priya's blog, remember the America thing post?? I have no business of what you write on someone else's blog but I guess blogging is where we can share ideas and not pin point faults in others.. you said where would you like to live?? u talked about Madurai, Hyderabad, Banglore and Madras.. where did your other north Indian cities go?? may be your are from south so naturally you would like to live in south, so basically you are a south Indian not Indian.. that’s what I think.. ok about you said gardener and software professional being treated well in U.S and not India.. I say, hey US is in Afghanistan and Iraq and you dont read newspaper. And hey where are the WMD?? What are you doing in Iraq?? Ok pumping oil to US?? That makes sense.. You get a lot of black gold after killing thousands in Middle East and then keep your Gardner and your Software Professional happy. And hey why is Saudi Arabia your friend?? Well last year in public killings or what they call as beheadings some 300 people were butchered. 17 of the 19 guys were from Saudi Arabia who were involved in 9/11. But hey it doesn’t matter because we need to keep the gardener happy and the Saudi King happy (who is no more alas) who cares what they do in their country... Saudi Arabia is a good friend and I don’t care what they do in their homeland... but hey the gardener asks why did you got to Iraq and liberate its people?? Bush Jr says, because he tried to kill my papa I will kill everyone. It’s like because you tried breaking my toy, I will break all your toys. Few things, which I would like to say is that you, are in US and you can do and you can involve yourself in the progress of India. I am not asking you to come back. But asking you to do good for the country by staying in US. Do whatever you want but don’t say that the respect for people in Indian society is less for one community and more for the others. Because educated people (like you) leave the country and settle in greener pastures. And I think there is still imperialism in the world with one country trying to rule over all. V..

[Virdi] Thanks for taking the time to type out such a lengthy comment.

You sort of misunderstood me...

I was only trying to give an example priya could relate to. How's this example.. would you rather live in some remote village in Bihar or Delhi/Mumbai/Calcutta? satisfied now?

As for the current situation in the middle east, let us make a small assumption. Suppose India was now in the position of power that the US is in. and the US was in India's position. Would India take advantage... Something tells me it would.. My point is "Power corrupts".. but there is no point in lamenting that fact.. Let's just become powerful ourselves..

Btw one more thing.. If India was as powerful as the US right now.. do you think that they would just sit by and watch while Pakistani terrorists keep killing people in Kashmir. They would have just taken over the land... Again I'm not glorifying war.. Conquering pakistan would not be the right thing to do.. But they would do it anyway. Would you sit quietly if an ant bites you? No, You would probably squash it. But if a dog comes at you.. you would watch carefully and make a plan of action..

America is acting high and mighty no doubt and I'm NOT saying it's right. All I'm saying is that every other country would do the same if they were in the same position that the US is in.. simply because all humans think alike.. period.

leon>> can I have your email ID?? i dont want to make you blog a stupid virdi comments page.. my ID is on my blog.. u can mail me there.. I would like to tell you 1. reasons why US attacked Afghanistan2. why US attacked Iraq3. why US is not attacking Saudi Arabia4. why US fears North Korea5. why US suddenly has shut up about human rights viaolation in China6. corruption in US politicsseriously I have data. or you would like me to put it on my blog and everyone can comment there. what would you suggest?

[Virdi] Do what you think is best.. email leon.nirmal@gmail.com or write up a blog post. I'm certainly eager to hear what you have to say about all the points you mentioned...

Btw, I forgot to reply to one statement of yours.. "Because educated people (like you) leave the country and settle in greener pastures." I've only been here a year now.. and don't think I'll be settling here.. atleast for family reasons.. :-)

[kickassso] Indeed.. We for one would welcome anyone from anywhere(excepting.. ;-)) in the hope of increasing our team size to 4.. lol

[Bala] There were several other modified rules but I thought this post was long enough.. Any more and all my readers would have boycotted me..they already have in fact... everyone wants to talk about something else.. :-(.

The things guys will do to play a game of cricket!!!! A movie is warranted on this subject. Of course it will have to a comedy LOL

Thanks for a rofl start to my Sunday :)) And please dont mention girls and cricket in the same breath, my brother advises.

This was way too funny. And Spweam rocks!!!! Better copyright before our Indian team uses it in their ever growing armory of excuses. And improvisation rocks too.Hats off to the spirit of cricket. Great post.

Overall it’s a nice post. I expected more comic post on cricket. You might have emphasized on the great style and skill level of each and every batsman including me (without name). It’s a really good idea to format in FAQ style. Keep posting some more good experiences from our UNH.

Aren't u being a little too sarcastic and critical about an effort to make use of the limited resources that can be gathered in enjoying a sport that otherwise doesn't have an existence in this country?i am surprised.

ERM...am Totally CLOOLESS bout Cricket.. when i was little id play in the gully with the little boys.. and when i got the ball id run in the Opposite direction...sigh...lol now am a basket ball Chick.. and the Toronto Raptors are MY TEAM!!!!!! thanks for dropping by my blog!!welcome anytime!:D

You got me there... hehe.. trust you to think of asking that question.. Btw, I do have a teddy bear.. ;-). Note that I never said "Boys do not hold a bat like a teddy bear". I just didn't talk about boys holding bats at all.. lol

Alright, enough of teddy bears or we will scare everyone away from my blog.. or raise doubts in the minds of my readers about my sexual orientation.. :D

You have got to feel REALLY honoured that I am fighting against such a formidable opponent to post a comment on your blog. I LOVED it! And I just HAD to comment. So I said to myself "Screw DIAL-UP!" And here I am.

I like playing with the duct-tape ball :D I hurt myself less that way! The 10-step was HILARIOUS. True too. In fact, I have been known to whack quite a few people with my teddy bear. In that respect, I do hold the bat like I do my teddy bear ;)

hmm... it was nice reading the cricket scene at UNH. but i was wondering, isnt it the same in india too most of the time.. i mean the gully cricket. the ones you usually play next to your house with a couple of bricks serving as your wickets etc. i guess that comes from we being trained to be resourceful right from childhood. :) and yeah, about the leon-virdi discussion, one point i intend to make is that we shouldn't really forget the fact that most of these opinions that we form are almost always driven by emotion and external appearances. and most of us common folk are nothing more than 'coffee-table philosophers'. everyone's opinion is half-baked and no one is sure how to handle criticism. that being said, you can always of course air your opinion, but be aware that your opinion is not 'THE' opinion, and be open to more rational and scientific dissection of issues, rather than one based on personal experiences.

[Vidya] I am REALLY REALLY REALLY honored. And now that I've read your comment, I think congratulations are in order for being victorious in your fight against that formidable opponent of yours. I guess dialup has just been 'screwed royally'.. ;-)

Your comment just made my day.. :-). It's comments like this that make me want to continue posting even after classes start on 29th.. :-).

[Pavan] You're right of course.. given the lack of grounds we do need to improvise in India too.. In fact bricks would be a better idea than a trash can. Only we can't find bricks here.. while trash cans are almost impossible to find in India.. :D.

LOL! That was really funny. The weird thing is that there is so much playing area in the US and there are no people to play Cricket with and in India there is no playing area and tons and tons of people walking around with bats and balls playing on the road.

PS: Try covering half of your tennis ball with duct-tape instead of covering the whole ball and you will get some appreciable swing movement.

You are held in great esteem by our bank and so I'm going to be magnanimous and let Leon Nirmal Cyrus encash the cheque for you. Please inform Mr. Cyrus that he will be required to present a form of identification (ie passport or a driver's license with his name exactly as indicated in your letter) at the time of encashment. Please consider this a special favor that may not be granted a second time.

I'm impressed by the fact that you expect documentation to be produced to identify my cheque encasher. I must warn you that a lot of Indians tend to change their names after landing in the US of A. So a few syllables here and there shouldn't make a difference. The Cyrus could be a Cyril. I am a busy woman. I do not have time to encash my cheques. So obviously I do not have the time to check my spelling mistakes. My secretary has hence been sacked though. If you wish that you do not suffer the same fate, you may want to reconsider the words you use in further correspondences with me. The cheque is written out to my name. If you feel the carrier of the cheque looks suspicious, you are welcome to do the needful and take action against him. You are probably new here. So your ignorance is forgiven. And this is definitely a special favour that will not be granted a second time.

Our cashier had your best interests in mind when he said he was particular about identification. We don't want to gift an additional 1000 dollars to an already overpaid MTV VJ do we? However in light of the fact that you have threatened to have him fired, I have no choice but to revoke the earlier offer made by our cashier and insist that you be present personally with YOUR identification to redeem that cheque.

As the chairman of a reputed bank, I will not standby and watch while an employee is browbeaten by a customer however special.

PS: Frankly I hold people who make spelling mistakes in very low esteem.

I'm glad that you decided to correspond with me directly. From the tone of your letter, I have gathered that a 1000 dollars and the reputation of your cashier are worth more to you than your own job and reputation. You are however, too old to make it as an MTV VJ. Think about it. I must be off now. I have some confidential information to divulge. (And then people complain about down-sizing. Hmph!)

I'm amused. You seem to think that you could change the world with your threats. I'll have you know that I own over 50 % of the shares in my bank. I couldn't be fired even if everyone on the board of directors wanted to get rid of me. You also assume wrongly that I am too old to make it as an MTV VJ. I'm not and I could beat Cyrus Broacha on the popularity charts anyday. But that's beside the point. After you've divulged your confidential information to everyone you care to, please come on over to our bank with proper IDENTIFICATION and we'll deal with you.

Probably the only reason you’re the Chairman is because of the fact that you own 50% of the shares. I don’t see why else any bank would want someone so incompetent to represent them. Since you are young enough to be a MTV VJ, or so you say, you must be naïve and stupid. It’s possibly also why you had the nerve to dare me. In case you are indeed thinking of becoming a VJ, I do want to enlighten you about the fact that people over 60 years of age are not eligible. Good looks and a cool attitude are a must, both of which I highly doubt you have. As for beating Cyrus Broacha on the popularity charts, I have to get a little informal here and say, “Yeah right!” But it’s good to dream, I’ve been told. So dream on, sir. Anyway, you’ll have lots of time to do that behind bars. That would be a rather interesting place to work from. There are enough skeletons in your closet to last you a lifetime. Luckily the people at the police department are a lot more cooperative. I must ask my new secretary to remind me to file a complaint about the despicable customer service at your bank. You are fully aware that this money we’ve been talking about is mine, aren’t you?

Your eloquent emails have inspired a change of attitude in me. This morning, 'Leon Nirmal Cyrus' turned up at our office and I have had your 'thousand dollars and ninety nine cents' issued to him right away. We are glad we could be of service to you.