CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #74

To whom it may concern, We have taken Chuck Lorre hostage. Do not try to find him. Do not alert the authorities. Until our demands are met he will be held in a really nice house in Los Angeles where he'll be forced to eat rich foods and watch satellite TV with all the premium channels and pay-per-view. The following are a list of our demands: We must never again receive "official" letters from big political parties informing us we've been selected to be part of blue-ribbon panels that determine our country's future, provided we donate five grand to be so honored. Sometime, somewhere, in some city, an oriental rug store will have to actually go out of business. All salespeople in nice clothing stores who act like they're better than the people shopping in the store must take acting lessons from people who don't know anything about acting but know a good thing when they see one. This demand also applies to snooty waiters in nice restaurants. You have twenty-four hours to comply with these demands. Until then, Mr. Lorre will be forced to spend his nights sleeping on a very cushy bed that is dangerously close to a snoring dog with bad gas.