Oy vey ist mir! Great to see you! So did you know my last name comes from the Hebrew word “Shomer”? It means guardian! So I’m a guardian of the Jewish people! I hardly ever tell this story, except at every single Jewish event that I’ve attended for the last 40 years. Oy gevalt!

So how’s my Yiddish schtick? Straight out of the Catskills circa 1958, right? You know, it gives me great naches! And it lets me pretend that I’m still the leader of a political party that hasn’t completely thrown Israel under the bus! LOL! Meshugeneh! So what’s my secret? It’s these magic glasses I wear! Let me explain….

When I slip on these magic glasses, I can’t see that the Democratic Party just elected a Congresswoman from Minnesota who said that “Evil Israel” hypnotized the world! See? No anti-Semitic tropes of Jewish world domination here!

I love these things. When I’m wearing them, I can’t see our newest Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib from Michigan, who said she supports BDS and a One-State solution, or, you know, destroying the State of Israel as we know it! It’s great! I can’t see that her positions were too anti-Israel for J-Street!!! But don’t take my word for it, ask Electronic Intifada!

So what about Linda Sarsour? She’s the face of the Progressive Left! And with these glasses, I don’t see that she tweeted “Nothing is creepier than Zionism.” That way, I can instead focus on the fact that Trump was a jerk to a journalist today. Priorities, people!

I’m telling you, these glasses changed me life. I can’t even see all of these Democrats who keep hanging out with Anti-Semite I mean anti-Termite Louis Farrakhan!