Abbott Vows to Ensure Jade Helm Isn't Really A Coup d'Etat

A federal takeover of Texas, ordered by a Kenyan Marxist bent on taking our guns and forcing abortions on every man, woman, and child after they've been rounded up and forced into FEMA Death Domes? Not on Governor Greg Abbott's watch! That's why our right-minded, non-pandering state leader has vowed to have the Texas State Guard monitor the upcoming seven-state military training exercise known as Jade Helm 15.

In a letter to Major General Gerald "Jake" Betty, commander of the Texas State Guard, Abbott called for "regular updates on the progress and safety" of the operation, which runs from July-September, and involves Army, Navy, and Air Force personnel swooping into town to play plain-clothes spy games. Think of it as the Super Bowl for the conspiracy crowd.

Abbott made it clear to ol' Jake that "it is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed. By monitoring the Operation on a continual basis, the State Guard will facilitate communications between my office and the commanders of the Operation to ensure that adequate measures are in place to protect Texans."

But Abbott also made sure to give fair and equitable time to the other side of his mouth in order to praise the military personnel he just implied might be out to get us: "As Governor, I have the utmost respect for the deep patriotism of the brave military men and women who put their lives on the line to fight for and defend our freedom. I remain certain that our military members will keep America the freest and strongest nation the world has ever known."

We already knew that Abbott was capable of protecting Texans from questionable outside interests, like when, as Attorney General, he warned the Organization for the Security and Cooperation in Europe that he would prosecute any of the group's international poll-watchers who came within 100 feet of a Texas polling place on 2012 election day.

So it's nice to know that he's keeping his eye out for possible enemies from within. Just in case.