The Lift: An Everyday Story Of Office Folk.

Sorry to report that the lift is not workin today. If you are expectin any visitors please come to receptionto meet them and not leave them to find their way to your offices by theirselves.

Anyone goin for a drink after work? Its happy hour on fridays at the Duke.

Laura in reception.xxx

To: Laura TwistFrom: MD office13:17 14/05/11

Has maintenance been informed, Laura?

Miss Penny ScubaPA to the MD.

To: Penny ScubaFrom: Reception13:18 14/05/11

Yes Miss Scuba, Ive left a message with Wally but he;s on his lunchbreak. I'll grab him on his way back in.

(I think they know about happy hour already. Tee hee)

Laura.

To: AllstaffFrom: Building maintenance14:14 14/05/11

The lift is broken down and I have rang the engineers and they cant get here before Monday lunchtime. Please use the stairs until then.

Me + colin up for a drink Laura.Wally

To: Walter PingCc: AllstaffFrom: Bob Ninja14:20 14/05/11

Alright Wally, I'll use the stairs if you insist. I was planning to use my spider super powers and crawl down the walls from the 5th floor.

A few of us going to the Duke.Bob N.

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To: AllstaffFrom: Building maintenance12.45 17/05/11

Wally is not in today and the lift is still not working because the engineers from Jackson & Pollock said they are dealing with an emergency on York Street. they will get here today if they can.Colin.

To: Linda PaprikaCc: AllstaffFrom: Reception15:06 17/05/11

Linds they need you because you're the first aider on the landin between the third and fourth floor because Cathy Chair has gone into labour. We have called an amblulence.

CAN EVRYONE ELSE PLSE STAY AWAY FROM THE LANDIN BETWEEN THE THIRD AND 4TH FLOORS PLEASE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE PLEASE?

LoveLaura in reception.xxx

To: AllstaffFrom: Gerry Lump15:07 17/05/11

Bloody hell… its not mine! No way Jose!

To: Gerry LumpCC: AllstaffFrom: Cynthia Varnish15:08 17/05/11

How could it possibly be yours, Lumpy you arse bandit.

To: Cynthia VarnishCC: AllstaffFrom: Gerry Lump

That's good coming from you Cynthia Mingeater!!!!Pint after?

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To: AllstaffFrom: MD office10:12 18/05/11

You will all be pleased to know that Cathy Chair gave birth to a bouncing baby girl yesterday.

When the paramedics arrived they decided that she should deliver the baby where she was before taking her to hospital. They say labour was probably brought on by Cathy climbing the stairs.

Cathy's husband Gary says mum and baby are doing fine and Cathy promises to bring the little girl in soon.

Miss Penny ScubaPA to the MD.

To: AllstaffFrom: Paul Zapp10:15 18/05/11

O gr8... loads of cooing by broody wimmin.

To: Paul ZappCC: AllstaffFrom: Nancy Spike.10:17 18/05/11

Shut it faceache.

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To: AllstaffFrom: MD office09:12 04/06/11

Mr Spart says he found the You Tube film about the bid to climb the south face of Waterloo House quite amusing and he was impressed by the film making skills of some of our staff but as he couldn't recognise anyone under their oxygen masks, balaclavas and parka hoods he doesn't know who to congratulate.

However, now he thinks it is time the 'base camp' established on the fifth floor fire escape landing should be taken down as it's probably in breach of fire safety regulations.

Frustration over the continuing problem of the lift cannot excuse fire regulations breaches.

Please remove it by end of work today.

Thank you.

Miss Penny ScubaPA to the MD.

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To: AllstaffFrom: Human Resources12:11 14/06/11

I am glad to be able to report that Norman Clackett, of credit control on the fourth floor, is at home recovering from what was a mild heart attack suffered while ascending the stairs two days ago.

It's not clear when he'll be back at work but we have sent flowers and a card. Lydia says visitors will be welcome from next week.

Thanks,Vesta Plank, HR director.

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To: AllstaffFrom: Building Maintenance14:09 23/06/11

Jackson & Pollock's engineers have finlly fixed the lift ad it is now working again.

To: AllstaffFrom: Reception14:10 23/06/11

Wally in buildin maintenance says the engineers have been and mended the lift so that it is now workin normally.

LoveLaura in receptionxxx

To: Laura TwistCC: AllstaffFrom: Alan Method14:15 23/06/11

Working "normally" Laura? I would like to take issue with your assertion since, for as long as anyone round here can remember, the "normal" condition of our lift is stationary, ie: it doesn't move. I contend that now it appears to be able to ascend and descend between floors this is a decidedly abnormal state of affairs.

To: Alan MethodCC: AllstaffFrom: Nick Motherboard14:18 23/06/11

What are you on about, Meff, you Gooner tosser?

To: Nick MotherboardCC: AllstaffFrom: Alan Method14:19 23/06/11

Just engaging in a bit of philosophical banter, Nick old son. Sorry if your neanderthal Chelsea IT brain can't cope with such complex concepts.

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To: AllstaffFrom: Reception10:38 25/06/11

The lift is broken again and Wally has called the engineers who can't get here til next week at least.