8/01 Live Feed Recap: The Cure For Insomnia Awaits Within

This recap covers the events in the house from Wednesday noon to Thursday noon, BB time.

Welcome to the recap of a 24 hour period that I can only assume is the culmination of all of the negative karma I've accumulated over my life coming back to bite me in the ass in the most boring way possible.

Though I've never been accused of being a woman of few words, I'm going to buck this 30+ year trend, and submit the following as my recap:

Thanks for reading, and be sure to come back tomorrow, when the lovely Hepcat will be ... no? I can't get away with this? Fine.

(Jerks.)

My shift begins with the majority of the house guests just waking up. As it's mid-afternoon for me by now, I get to feel smug and productive. Then I realize that, really, this just means that I'm old and go to bed early. I shake my walker at the heavens, and peruse the AARP website as the house guests go about their morning afternoon routines.

Their wakeup routines are boring, though, so - stop! Bullet point time!

Amber is mad at Dustin. Why? "Cause." For as much as this chick likes to talk, she has very little to say.

Kail wants to reassure Amber that she was not her target when she put her on the block the first week. She wants to impress upon Amber that she's trustworthy, and when she's told something, she never repeats it. She may not repeat things to other people, but she sure as hell can't have a conversation in which she doesn't repeat herself at least a dozen times.

Kail believes God knows who will win. I suppose that's all part of omniscience, isn't it? I'd like to go on record as stating that I'd be willing to drop my atheism to join any religion whose deity gives a damn about reality show outcomes. Maybe in that church, you could take a swig of the blood of Christ every time Amber cries.

Zach's boogers once froze in Chicago. I've lived in Chicago for 5 years, and, on behalf of this city, would like you all to know that this is much more of a Zach thing than it is a Chicago thing.

Hey, did you know that some people call it Putt-Putt, and some call it Miniature Golf? Take a minute to compose yourself, because I'm sure I just blew your mind. Go team Putt-Putt!

Both Zach and Dick manage to have normal conversations with women (Jessica and Kail, respectively) that don't involve misogyny, just dogs and food.

Daniele couldn't come up with anything good to say to Kail when taping her goodbye message, though it won't matter because it's not like Kail will ever see it.

Dani and Dick bond over making fun of everyone else in the house.

(It seems like this might be a good time to point out some of this site's other interesting forums. Like, have you seen General Discussion? People seem to like that forum. They talk about their pets a lot. Do you have any pets? You do, but I still have to give you a recap of this day, and you'd like for me to quit trying to weasel out of it? FINE.)

The biggest intrigue of the early afternoon comes when Jameka and Amber think that because Daniele told Amber that Jameka said (got all that?) there were three banner planes, it's clearly a sign that Dani and Dick are breaking from the group and trying with all their might to save Nick. I have no idea how, but run with it. They skitter around whispering the betrayal to anyone who will listen, by which I mean Eric, Dustin and Jessica. With all the animated hand flailing, you'd think it was a great big deal. You'd be wrong. Amber also believes that the BB producers are attempting to manipulate things in an effort to save Nick, because the showmance makes for good ratings. It's all very grassy knoll/book depository, only a lot more asinine.

Back in the BB house, Dustin, that scamp, has spiked Dick's iced tea with - are you ready? - soy sauce! Ha! Haha! Hahahaha...ha...meh. For the love of God, give these people a book of Mad Libs or something. This is painful. Dick doesn't get too mad, because he was probably warned by the producers to chill out. Or maybe he just really enjoys such a hilarious prank. But probably the first one.

Nick and Dani have sequestered themselves in a bedroom, trying to squeeze out every last possible moment of staring at each other.

(We have a non-reality show forum also, you know. In the mood to see what your fellow forum members think about The View? No? Sigh.)

Though there's very little in the way of strategy being discussed, we learn a few fun tidbits about former house guest Joe. In a conversation between Dustin and Amber, it's revealed that Joe is a big pothead, and terrible in bed. Dustin, on the other hand, thinks he's pretty much God's gift to men in the bedroom. Of course you are, dear. Those faces you make are, I'm sure, just what some guy wants to look over his shoulder and see. There's a lot more detail involving tops and bottoms and size and girth, but not only is this a PG13 website, I also don't want to scar you all for life. You're welcome.

The house has been put on a 24 hour lockdown, leading to (what I assume is correct) speculation that the next HoH competition will be endurance. This means that Dick can't smoke, and Dick + slop - cigarettes = everybody take cover. Dick and Dani wonder aloud what the competition might entail, and agree that they don't want it to involve holding things aloft.

Jen and Zach wonder if perhaps the lockdown isn't about building something for an endurance competition, but rather to replace the astroturf, because it stinks. This is about the most Jen can say about something not directly self-related, though, so she announces that the slop is making her gain weight and off to the treadmill she goes. She does that for a while, then comes back to the kitchen where everyone makes dinner while chit-chatting.

It doesn't get much more exciting than this.

After dinner, Jen and Kail retire to the bedroom where they try to count votes. Kail reads the bible for a while, and asks Jen if she ever went to church. Jen says yes, she used to go two or three times a week. Kail asks which one, to which Jen replies "St. (Something or another), but I don't know what that means." And why would you? It's not like having to differentiate between Sephora and the MAC counter.

Trying to kill time, Jessica uses the chessboard to tell what turns out to be a pretty racist story. She's taking all the pieces and dividing them into colors. So far so good, since that's kind of how a chessboard works. But then she starts telling a story where "Red rabbits can only date red rabbits." Dani, charmingly, says "Well, yeah, that's the way it should be." Uh, wow. Jessica giggles at this lovely little display of ugliness, and continues on with "Red girls can only date red humpty dumptys. Blue rabbit and red rabbit want to date, but friction is so strong that it won't let them." I wish Jameka would come up there and punch her in the face. Alas, this doesn't happen.

Instead, Dustin joins them and starts his own version of "Seventh Grade Dance", which is what they call their xenophobic little game. Dustin’s story employs the use of the cartoonish and stereotypical "black" voice, and in his story, the chess piece whom he has assigned to be the fat girl at this dance is saying things like "Bitch, you been steppin to me since the fourth grade. I'm gon' cut yo ass." His chess piece then pulls out a knife and slays all the other chess pieces. Dani chimes in again: "Is this 7th grade dance in Compton?" Isn't racism a blast?

Bored with his casual prejudices, Dustin retires to the HoH room, where he and Amber talk about how super-cool they are, and how much they hate Dick and Danielle. Jen was right, they decide, Dick and Dani are negative. The irony of the two of them spewing negativity about the negativity of others is lost on them, and they all but high-five and bump stomachs Jack and Karen-style in their glee. Jameka joins them, and adds to the overall sentiment.

While watching the spy screen, Jameka notes how boring they all are tonight, and can they believe that this is what's airing on Showtime? Honey, you have no idea.

(Hell's Kitchen is close to a dramatic finish. Maybe that'd be more up your alley?)

At some point during the evening, Eric remembers that he's supposed to be America's Player, and tries to get the group to say his "I'd do that for a dollar" slogan by turning it into a game. It's not a well thought out game, and nobody seems to much care, but he does get a few people to say the phrase, even prodding Amber into saying all the words by saying "We do all your sayings, now you do mine!"

Another, um, "noteworthy" (not really) scene from last night was a playdate between Zach and Dick. The two of them horsed around for a while, playing dress up (no, really), and having a little food fight. It was all fun and games until Zach's super-awesome Italian (as he made sure to announce several times) jacket was doused in some sort of a food product, at which point funtime was OVER. Dick was surprised he was actually mad, and Zach was all "Dude, whatever, I'm fine, I just want to clean my jacket." Zach was not at all fine. Zach's bed was also broken during the shenanigans, which allowed him to check off one of his life's goals, though not in the way he'd hoped to do so.

He planned on getting Dick back, but, like I imagine most of Zach's interactions with people, it really went nowhere.

Later, Eric follows up on his "Oh crap, yeah, that America's Player thing!" thought process, by calling a meeting of the LNC and acting as if he simply wants to play devil's advocate by listing the reasons Kail should go. He tells them that he knows this is mainly a formality, but just for the hell of it, here are some pros for evicting Kail:

We hate her.

We don't want to give her a free pass.

We don't want to wake up and find her in the final three.

We shouldn't be fooled into thinking she's given up, just because she always walks around looking so pathetic.

We still hate her.

The group listens, nods, says "I hear where you're coming from", and nobody's mind is changed in the least. Nick is toast, Kail is safe.

More nighttime bullet points:

Jessica said something about "colored people" in front of Jameka. Jameka corrected her. Too bad Jess didn't invite her to take part in the "7th grade dance" fun.

Dick kept being pretty nice to Jen, oddly.

Dick gave the feeds some guy's email address, thinking we'd all send him tons of mail. Yeah, no.

Nick and Dani did their best chimpanzee routine, laying in bed together, picking imaginary nits off one another.

Not a damn thing. BORING.

I was awake this morning before the full house had gone to bed. Just pointing that out. And reconfirming that yes, I'm old and boring.

When people start to wake up this morning, Dick reverts back to his old ways (as they pertain to Jen), yelling that she wakes him up every morning. She doesn't really pay attention to him, and goes about her business.

Every house guest is called to the Head of Household room, and though it takes some time, they all straggle in. The feeds are mostly off in vortex land, and the only things they let us see involve - get this - Dick being obnoxious. I'd say it was a pretty anti-climactic end to my shift, but really, when you're starting off at rock bottom, it almost seems apropos.

And with that, I'm off. For those of you who stuck with me through these trying times, thanks. Also, what are you, nuts? Go read some of those links I gave you. There's nothing to see here.