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27 April, 2009

Dreams

My daughter dreams of dancing. Every September I break out the check book and write a large check to her ballet school. Belief in her dream. Support of her passion and her desire. Investment in… her. I never think of it is money not well spent. Sometimes I think I could just sign my pay over to ballet as, it seems like I am writing another check every few months – which I am… but al for a great cause. My daughter.

Today I caught myself speculating on the cost of my own dreams and ambitions; the investments that I have made in myself. The checks written every month to pay back a loan used to invest in a dream that I chose not to pursue – a dream that required a single person or a married parent with a supportive spouse. (or a very weirdly houred Daycare)

I have never thought about dreams and education in financial terms. I have never stopped to consider the money spent or the return on the investment.

Graduate school cost. At that time it was an investment in my future. I knew where I was going, the salary I could expect, and the taste of success. I dreamed in living and breathing, with texture and sound, color!

Then I found out I was pregnant.

Then I took a job in another state because I knew I was on my own with little hope of interaction from the man involved.

I chose to be a parent. To be the best mom and dad I could possibly be to an amazing kid.

“I wish we had a backyard.” That amazing little kid told me as we walked to school this morning.

There are lots of things I wish… I wish we could take vacations without my parents. I wish that I had a job I loved. I wish I could tell her that dreams do come true just as we dream them with all the bells and the whistles and the textures and the smells. I wish I could tell her that love is all that and so much more.

“I wish we did too sweetie,” is all I could say. There are days when I would love to have the house with the yard so that we could garden and play. Right now, I wish I lived somewhere else – somewhere where we could have all that and more.

And I wish that I could tell her that dreams come true. That all the money invested has the expected returns.

But it doesn’t.

I dreamed of travel and a wonderful career and making a difference in the world – not just the country, but the world at large. I dreamed that by the age of 40 I would have a PHD and would be teaching others on analysis and compassion and angles and thinking outside the box.

Rather, my years and hard work and investment in graduate school resulted in a change of dreams; a dear friend who now lives in Texas and has been wonderful of late; a lot of out of date knowledge and professional frustration; and… a wonderful daughter who reminds me that miracles happen, love is all that and more, and sometimes dreams come true – they just don’t look the way that we anticipated.

We have dreams, we have goals and life happens and things change and that is okay. We must be like the water in a vessel, the water does not look at the vessel and asks how will this vessel fit me, no the water simply fills the shape of the vessel.