Archive for September 20, 2009

Below is an excerpt from “Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective” by Garrett Cook. You can preorder a copy at http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com. I recommend doing so right now, because not only would you be getting a great book but you would be helping a new talented writer who could really use the support right now (he’s unemployed and trying to raise enough money to make it to BizarroCon next Month).

If you didn’t read my last blog about this book, here is the back cover description:
“In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I’ve got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I’m a private detective. I’m also a teddy bear. It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn’t know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I’ve gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won’t take off the fox suit she turns tricks in. Now I’ve got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you’re soft.

Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is a high octane pulp satire. In the tradition of Sam Spade, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, Hellboy and Howard the Duck comes a new kind of hero, a hero that reminds us that the measure of a man is in his guts and his gun.”

Being a gumshoe is stressful. Being a gumshoe in the body of a three foot teddy bear is a hell of a lot more stressful than that. So I decided to take the day off for once. Since trading my body to that bastard teddy bear to pay off my gambling debts, the closest thing I’d gotten to time off was time spent face down in an alley unconscious. And unlike some people, I wasn’t there for leisure. I knew this day would start off with a couple of annoyances, but I thought it would end at that. The first one, I’d figured on. Having no private residence, I had a tendency to sleep in my office. I also had a lapdog of a Chinese chauffeur that had a habit of waiting outside with my limo ready to go and a tragic attempt at coffee in his hand. I stepped outside, and I was right. There was Chan with coffee staler than politics and pictures. I sighed.

“Chan, where do they grow the coffee in China?”

Even for a Chinaman, Chan went stiff.

“They do not grow coffee in China, Mot Honored Mister Plush.”

I took the coffee from him. This was an important part of my morning ritual lately.

“Do you wanna know why they don’t grow coffee in China, Chan?”

He sighed. There was anger behind his slanty subhuman eyes.

“Yes, Mister Plush. I would like to know why.”

I tossed the coffee in his face as I did every morning. The coffee was piping hot. Good old Chan. Even confronted with certain scalding he wouldn’t serve me lukewarm coffee.

“That is the worst damn coffee I’ve ever had. You run somebody’s laundry through the pot?”
Chan folded his hands and bowed.

“Humblest apologies. Does Most Honored Mister Plush require breakfast? Or to be driven somewhere?”

“Does sycophantic Chan want to lose his job and have to make noodles for a living?” It’s important to be firm with one’s chauffeur.

“Chan is very sorry.” He bowed again. Chan bowed pretty often. Unavoidable when a kid hears Confucius in the nursery.

“I’m taking the day off, Chan.”

Chan looked at me as if I were the one that talked goofy all the time.

“Are you certain Mister Plush, there is a lot to be done, there is especially the matter of…”

I didn’t even wanna think about it.

“It can wait. He’ll wait.”

Chan laughed. “I do not think I would take getting shot as lightly as you have.”

“I don’t take it lightly, Chan. I got no leads, and I’m burnt out, so scram!”

Chan shrugged, got in the limo and drove off.

This left me alone. I called Jean and invited her to dinner. She said seven. I said not to wear the fox suit. She said I could go to Hell. I asked if she had any messages for her mother. She asked about the mess in her kitchen. I said I’d see her at seven and hung up, taking my phone off the hook afterwards. Within five minutes, I started pouring myself drinks. I was bored to tears. I shouldn’t have been.

There was a knock on the door. Chan was starting to make me real angry. How could people with so much opium in their country be so utterly against relaxation? I opened my door, wishing the chinaman had made me two cups of coffee. I wouldn’t drink the second one either. But it wasn’t Chan at the door. It was a pony wearing a police cap. There was a whistle and a badge around his neck. It seemed like the sort of thing that would be a bad omen. What did my granny from the old country say about a pony on your doorstep? Made me wish I hadn’t given up my memories during the transfer so I’d know things like that, like if I had a granny or where the hell the old country was.

“Sorry, pal,” I said to the pony, “this ain’t a stable and I’m closed for the day.”

“Listen, Plush,” the pony shot back in a voice that reminded me a little of Gary Cooper, “you don’t like me
and I don’t like you, but I’ve got a problem. I’m gonna set aside my prejudices so we can make this town a little less awful.”

“I don’t think you understand. I’ve got three dead city councilmen and a dead socialite. Think about it, four prospective kidnap victims. If they keep bumping off these people, there will be nobody to kidnap and murder’s one per customer, Plush. How long do you think a shameless shamus like yourself’s gonna last in a city where all the victims are already dead?”

He had a point. If I was going to maintain this lifestyle, I couldn’t have somebody icing every client that could pay me. Maybe I didn’t want to maintain this lifestyle, but when you’re a teddy bear with a bad reputation and nothing going for you but a chauffeur an office with “Jimmy Plush, Detective” on the door and a custom teddy bear handgun there usually ain’t many career paths open for you.

But before he could, three shots rang out and he was good as glue. If a pony on my doorstep was a bad
omen (and I couldn’t really tell if it was), then a dead pony on my doorstep was an awful one and a dead pony on my doorstep that had a badge was a disaster. I had to sort this out and I needed to do it fast.
Lucky for me, Chan had not really taken off, but had instead parked the limo in an alley nearby and waited for me to change my mind. He pulled up to the curb, got out and gave me a bow. Even though I needed him now, I was not happy about this.

“I guess they don’t have days off in China either, huh?”
Chan smiled.

“And yet, I’m not the one with a dead policeman on my doorstep.”

“Who is he? He knew the real Plush and hated him. Must have been a pretty good egg. For a pony.”
Chan’s smile turned into a frown.

“He was. His name was Horskowitz. He was an honest cop, not into the same things the others are. He tried to put some of them away for corruption, so they beat him up, transferred him into the body of a pony. He didn’t quit. He felt that only showed how much he was needed. In my opinion, he was right.”

I could only think of one man that could be behind this.

“Chan, take me to J.L Wong’s.”

The scenery on the way to J.L Wong’s was pretty much the same tableau of heartbreak I was used to; Furries in species drag ranging from strap-on sporting mice to Murray the Monogram Unicorn waiting for clients against every lamppost, ugly hoods carrying violin cases, businessmen looking for a den where they could chase the dragon, a Chinatown that the Orientals were afraid to even go near. Same hell-on-earth where most of my cases ended up leading. Or was it? There was a giant black cloth covering the side of the street. Something huge was underneath, something the size of a few buildings or a gigantic warehouse. I hadn’t seen any construction or demolition going on last time I was here, and last time I was here was two days ago. Identical obese quintuplets in pink pinstripe suits stood outside guarding it. They were trying too hard to act natural.

“Chan, stop!” By the time I’d said it, he’d already stopped.

I got out since I had a sneaking suspicion that these five gentlemen might have had something to do with my case.

“Nice weather we’re havin’, huh?”

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“So…gentlemen, what’s under the cloth?”

“A carnival,” they replied, again in unison.

“It’ll never work,” I told them as I walked back to the car,“this town’s already too much fun.”

Pages

"Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles... and the kinkiest fans!"

—Christopher Moore

"Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction's most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale."

—Cory Doctorow

CARLTON MELLICK III is the Wonderland Book Award-winning author of over 45 novels, including Quicksand House, Bio Melt, Cuddly Holocaust and Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland. In 2013, he was named one of the top 20 science-fiction writers under the age of 40 by The Guardian UK. His work has appeared in The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror, The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade, and Vice Magazine.

Featured Titles

The Terrible Thing That HappensIn a post-apocalypse world, a small community of scavengers must survive by looting a grocery store that's stuck in a time loop.Dark and surreal.

The Tick PeopleIn a city where people live like parasites on the back of a giant animal, a professional sadness-maker discovers that his soul mate is a hideous mutant.Dark and surreal.

Hungry BugIn a world where magic exists, spell-casting has become a serious addiction. Gritty and pulpy.

ClusterfuckA bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code. Comical and violent.

Quicksand HouseTwo children who have never met their parents before, even though they live in the same house with them, must fight for survival once their nursery becomes uninhabitable. Dark and Dystopian.

Village of the MermaidsAn eccentric doctor travels to an isolated village of carnivorous mermaids to investigate a new disease spreading through the herd of human livestock. Dark and Dystopian.

Cuddly HolocaustA tale of survival set in a world where most of the human race has been exterminated by vicious stuffed animals.Apocalyptic and brutal.

The Morbidly Obese NinjaA 700 pound killing machine must go against his corporate employers in order to save a terminal child. Pulpy and fun.

Crab TownA bizarre bank heist set in a radioactive post-nuke ghetto.Dystopian and relevant.

Zombies and ShitIt's Battle Royale meets Return of the Living dead in a fight to the death game of survival where twenty contestants are put against each other in the middle of the zombie wasteland. Apocalyptic, pulpy, and epic.

Warrior Wolf Women of the WastelandA Wonderland Book Award-winning novel about a three-armed man who finds himself in the middle of a war between a gang of road warrior werewolves and mutants from a dystopian version of McDonaldland.
Apocalyptic, pulpy, and epic.

The Cannibals of CandylandA man finds himself imprisoned in an under ground world populated by child-eating mutants made of candy. Erotic and horrific.

ApeshitA parody of cabin in the woods horror stories where the victims turn out to be far more deranged than the mutant killers who hunt them.
Campy and fucked up.

The Egg ManIt is a survival of the fittest world where humans reproduce like insects, children are the property of corporations, and having a ten-foot tall brain is a grotesque sexual fetish.Dark, dystopian, and ugly.

Cybernetrix
A dark and bizarre parody of the movie Tron where a game world and our world bleed together into one reality. Pulpy and awesome.

The Faggiest VampireA bizarro children's book about two vampire rivals competing in a mustache contest to determine which one is the faggiest. Cute and relevant.

The Ultra FuckersA landscaper and a trio of Japanese punks find themselves stranded in a suburban gated community that seems to go on forever. Nightmarish and absurd.

Adolf in WonderlandNazis from an alternate world of absolute perfection go down the rabbit hole into a dark surreal world of chaos and imperfection.Absurd and horrific.

Bizarro Starter Kits

Praise for Carlton Mellick III

"If you like satires which are highly imaginative, subversive, gory, funny as hell and completely surreal CM3 may be your literary messiah."

—Ricardo Gonzalez Del Valle

"CM3 is the most imaginative writer since Lethem and Vonnegut. Different, and absolutely thought provoking..."

—Daniel McCreary

"Carlton Mellick creates fascinating and intricate worlds out of meat, slime, sexuality, wire, and the kind of nightmares that make you laugh when you wake up."

—Jemiah Jefferson

"Brilliant writing that oozes into your skull and melts your brain like a box of a zillion crayons."

—Idiot Alien Thought Creature

"His books are from another universe."

—Cameron Pierce

"Mellick is smarter than the dumbness he tries to coat his writing in; you feel like you're reading a comic or watching MTV - but that underneath there is something deeper and smarter than the cartoonish presentation before your eyes."

—Euchrid

"Through childlike narration Mr. Mellick can present to his reader some of the most curious and knee-slapingly hysterical blaspheme."

—Ian David McGowen

"There is depth behind his simplistic prose, and humor all around it. What at first seems unsophisticated quickly becomes a firm identity to the characters, and you realize the intelligence behind the naivety. Yes, it's all on purpose, and you've just been had!"

—Schtinky

"Mellick has definitely joined the ranks of the bizarre literary geniuses such as Burroughs, Philip K. Dick, and Vonnegut."

—Charles Glover

"Mellick's imagination is boundless, and his writing truly shows this. His characters, plot, and writing style are original, enjoyable, and inspiring."

My new book “The Terrible Thing That Happens” is now available. THE TERRIBLE THING THAT HAPPENS “A new spin on the post-apocalypse genre. One you won’t soon forget.” –Garrett Cook, author of A God of Hungry Walls There is a grocery store. The last grocery store in the world. It stands alone in the middle […]

15 years ago, my first novel SATAN BURGER was published. When it came out I really didn’t expect it to do well. I wrote it for fun, just for myself, not expecting anyone would ever even read it. I mean it’s basically just about a group of 20-year-olds who get jobs working at a Satan-themed […]

My new book, “Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes,” is now available. EVERY TIME WE MEET AT THE DAIRY QUEEN, YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FACE EXPLODES Ethan is in love with the weird girl in school. The one with the twitchy eyes and spiders in her hair. The one […]

My 48th book, BIO MELT, is now available. This is one of the longer and darker novels I’ve written, along the lines of Tumor Fruit, Zombies and Shit, and Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland. I hope you check it out. BIO MELT Nobody goes into the Wire District anymore. The place is an industrial […]

Here’s a complete list of Italian editions of my books published through Vaporteppa Publishing. They include: Cannibals of Candyland, Armadillo Fists, Cuddly Holocaust, The Handsome Squirm, Village of the Mermaids, Kill Ball, The Haunted Vagina, The Morbidly Obese Ninja and War Slut.

My new book, CLOWNFELLAS, is now available from Random House Hydra. I had a blast writing this book. I hope you check it out. CLOWNFELLAS In a topsy-turvy world where clowns are killers and crooks, Little Bigtop is a three-ring circus of crime, and no syndicate is more dangerous than the Bozo family. From the […]

My new serial killer book, As She Stabbed Me Gently in the Face, is now available. I hope you check it out. AS SHE STABBED ME GENTLY IN THE FACE Oksana Maslovskiy is an award-winning artist, an internationally adored fashion model, and one of the most infamous serial killers this country has ever known. She […]

My new book, Sweet Story, is now available. Although it’s on the short side, it’s one of my favorite things I’ve written this year. I hope you check it out. SWEET STORY Sally is an odd little girl. It’s not because she dresses as if she’s from the Edwardian era or spends most of her […]

I’m happy to announce that my 44th book is now available. Unlike my last few books, this is a short quick read and somewhat similar in tone to my early bizarro novellas like Teeth and Tongue Landscape, Steel Breakfast Era or Ugly Heaven. I hope you check it out. THE TICK PEOPLE They call it […]