Green Bük Lavage

Although it’s biologically equal in significance to the Holy Grail, you don’t hear much about the Holy Chamber Pot

If I lived in a house made out of faux adobe, I’d have a faux personality. I would greet you with, “Fauxloha!”

Robotmania! I think about 80% of the population would prefer the company of robots over the company of other people, mostly because they smell better.

Notes that should be destroyed before WikiLeaks gets ahold of them

August 24, 2002: R. E. excitedly calls me to say he is hopelessly lost in Erie, PA.

Are we to assume that potatoes don’t conduct electricity?

Some days I only like certain friends. Much of the rest of the time, I just wish they would shut the hell up. I’d like to be able to say they know who they are, but most of the time, they don’t. (Disclaimer: not you.)

My next book: The Snatcher in the Sty. The protagonist is named Holden McCauck. He wears special glasses, possibly x-ray specs, that make everyone appear naked, or at least flesh colored.

“I don’t want you to have to talk to ‘muh’ Jamie. I want to get ‘un-muh’ and let you talk to happy Jamie.” -Jamie

There was nothing I wanted more as a kid than a jar of “vanishing cream.” In the cartoons, it made things disappear. It wasn’t until I was an adult (sometime last week, as I recall) that I realized that real vanishing cream make wrinkles vanish.

The warning placard on my shipping container says, “DANGER: Contains impotence in every sense of the word!” That should keep the riff-raff at bay.

I dream I am at a golf course, being followed by small, shiny, metallic birdhouses with chrome pens inside. It dawns on me that they are called, “Flying Penis Modules.”

Lately I’ve been imagining killing my enemies by throwing them in the air high enough that landing on the ground will kill them. You have to admit, it’s a pretty funny way to kill someone.