My Great Aunt Shirley is a whore. I’m not exactly sure
how old she is – however, I have verified that she’s at
least as old as Betty White, but younger than the old lady
from Titanic. Probably like...87. But that hasn’t stopped
her from whoring herself around. She’s never been married, because she wants to stay a playa 4 lyfe. And she
lives in Leisure World (aka Seizure World, a retirement
community for vibrant and moribund 60+ year olds)
where apparently she is famous for her spectacular B.J.s
– both with and without dentures. The Viagra-popping
widowers fondly refer to her as “Shirley the Strumpet”.
Although she wears trademark old people clothes,
my Aunt Shirley puts her own hussy touches on every
outfit. Like other old ladies, she likes to wear knitted
sweaters, but hers are always gold and sequined and
low-cut to reveal her sagging, yet admirable cleavage.
Even when she’s inside she sports oversized, glitzy sunglasses. She claims they protect her eyes after her last
cataract surgery, but really it’s because she smokes so
much pot. Just kidding…she doesn’t smoke pot (at
least I can’t verify it), but she did get really, really drunk
off peach schnapps at my cousin’s bar mitzvah.
There’s no denying that my Great Aunt Shirley has
accumulated some skills over her lifetime. She said she
was once a secretary for a law firm, but I think that’s just
code for home-wrecker. And even though her body is
slightly deteriorated now, she’s as horny as ever. I suspect it has something to do with her new Posturepedic
mattress. (Those adjustable positions and massage
settings aren’t just for orthopedics!) It has not only improved her slight hunchback, but has reignited her life
in the bedroom. She says that walkers make excellent
sex toys (obviously, they have big fuzzy balls at the base
of each leg). And her worsening blindness is only a benefit – everyone is attractive in her eyes! It can also partially explain her lesbian phase in the early 90’s.
Despite the fact that she is a harlot, it’s always exciting to spend time with my Great Aunt Shirley. Last
time I went out with her, we got a complimentary dinner. I cannot be certain, but I think the way that she hit
on the waiter, and then proceeded to seductively eat
her banana split (without nuts – bad for her dentures)
might have had something to do with it. Actually, it
[4]

was probably because of the 20 minutes she spent in
the handicapped stall of the bathroom with Javier, the
aforementioned sexy waiter.
Although moments like these can be uncomfortable, I’ve learned a lot from her - even more than just
timeless sex tips. (For instance: how to seduce men at
biweekly bridge tournaments, the best flavor of marmalade to lick off of each other’s nipple (orange), great
sex positions for electric wheelchairs, and how to embroider a tapestry while doing it doggy style. She has
encouraged me to come to my own sexual revelations
and to feel empowered by my sexuality. Because of
my Great Aunt Shirley, I’ve been having a LOT of fun in
college - and so have 37 other lucky guys (you know
who you are). With her help, I have truly found myself
as a woman. Throughout her life, my Great Aunt Shirley
has symbolized the modernity and independence that
centuries of females have fought to achieve. She’s really
quite inspiring.
Actually, she’s pretty much just a drunken nympho.

*Unfortunately, a true story.

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Kanye’s Top References To Oral Sex
[Snagglepuss]

Song: Monster

Hello loyal Hegemonocle readers! After many
hours of pain-staking research, I have calculated
what are universally, objectively, and scientifically
Kanye West’s top 5 references to oral sex. Do not
cry for me, for it was truly a labor of love. Without
further ado…

Lyric: have you ever had sex with a pharaoh//I

put the pussy in a sarcophagus//now she claiming
I bruise her esophagus//head of the class and she
just want a swallowship
Pro: Wowza, there’s a lot of stuff going on
here. Reference to ancient Egypt? Pro. The
word swallowship? Pro. Rhyming sarcophagus and esophagus? Also pro.
Con. Bruising her esophagus is also kinda
gross though? Also probably pretty impossible. If we were talking about the epiglottis then maybe, but the esophagus is
pretty much where the lungs are. Major
points taken away for anatomical correctness.

Song: Dark Fantasy
Lyric: “And my chick in that new Phoebe Philo//

So much head I woke up in sleepy hollow”
Pro: This is a reference to The Legend of Sleepy
Hollow, which was published in a collection of
short stories in 1819. References to 19th century
American literature while rapping about head is
automatically pretty pro.
Con: It doesn’t really make sense? The story concerns a headless horseman, so there was a remarkable lack of head in Sleepy Hollow, not a lot. Also,
who even knows what Phoebe Philo means. Am I
right? Am I right?

Song: Go Hard
Lyric: I’m at the top aint no-

Song: Good Life
Lyric “Have you ever popped champagne on a

plane// While getting some brain?// She said she ain’t
never see snakes on a plane”
Pro: Reference to the movie Snakes on a Plane,
which was a movie that came out sometime (2006?).
It was a pretty funny movie. I liked it. I liked the part
with the snakes. Also, it conjures images of Samuel L.
Jackson, which automatically gives me an erection, so
that’s good I guess.
Con: It would be pretty gross if Kanye actually got
head on a plane, unless he did it in the bathroom, and
then it seems like it would be pretty cramped.

Song: Gold Digger
Lyric: Go head girl, go head get down.
Pro: It’s kinda clever. At first I didn’t get it.
Con: Too clever for its own good?

[5]

where to go now//Instead of me,
she gonna go down
Pro: Reveals that Kanye is a
selfish lover
Con: Was there ever any
doubt about that?

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Kofi Annan Heading Big Places
[ban ki-moon]

One of Macalester’ s most notable alumni has recently become famous after showcasing some of his
enormous assets. A midlife crisis caused former secretary general, Kofi Annan, to enter the pornography industry. He is receiving much attention for what adult
film insiders having been calling his “superhuman shlong.”
One of Annan’ s professors was interviewed after
learning about her former student’ s career change.
She said “I always knew Kofi was going gigantic places, his massive creativity and huge personality added to classroom discussions. Kofi always sat with his
back erect and a huge grin on his face.” Annan’s roommate commented, “Kofi was a great friend; he always
shared his juicy beefsticks with me and let me use his
fifteen incher [laptop].” Another one of Kofi’ s friends
explains “Kofi had many male friends during his years
at Macalester. He had female friends too, but he could
never quite fit in.”
Annan played a large role in his school’ s community. He played on the school’ s golf team and his
strong grasp on the putter made him the team’ s high
scorer of hole-in-ones. During his sophomore year at
Macalester, Annan joined the school’ s Pen15 club.
The club met on a weekly basis and analyzed rare
fossils. By his junior year, Annan was appointed the
club’s honorary head. A former club member notes
“Kofi loved holding bones.”
After his graduation from Macalester College, Annan started working at Jimmy’s Meat Shop—a hot
dog restaurant in Annan’s hometown. “Kofi enjoyed
serving people sausages,” says his former boss, who
went on to say: “He worked so quickly and efficiently,
people who saw him running around the restaurant
wondered if he had a third leg.” Kofi was promoted
to cashier, but was fired shortly after when his boss
accused him of sneaking a roll of quarters into his
pocket.
Following this job, Kofi worked briefly as a pilot for
Delta Airlines. He had many great experiences in the
cockpit, and became skilled at handling multiple rudders at the same time, making him the airline’s first
choice for maneuvering giant vessels. However after
[6]

working for several years, Annan realized he preferred
it [the view] from behind.
Annan began his work with the United Nations as
Assistant Secretary-General. This career change was
difficult and not without hard spots, but eventually
he gained recognition for his efforts at maintaining
peace. After being appointed Secretary-General, he
continued working with the United Nations for twenty years. He left his position after being offered a job
in the adult hit “Blowjob Impossible,” by an erotic film
director who noticed Annan’s bulge as he was working out at the gym.
In a recent interview, Annan explained that he
had no regrets about ending his career in politics. He
stated, “Are you kidding me? I get paid to fuck! This is
way better than a Nobel Prize!” Annan’s first adult film,
“Hot Cup of Kofi” received rave reviews and
was soon followed by a sequel, “Secretary Genital.”
There is no news about when his next
film will be released, but it is clear that Kofi Annan
is doing big things.

Kofi’s Favorite
Snack

Hegemonocle

spring.2011

volume 4.issue2

Students vow to ‘go harder, better” for New Year’s resolution
By Brad “T-Bone” Tyson

New year’s resolutions: a source of great
consternation and frustration when one inevitably fails to hold up the sacred pact with
themselves, got a new, hip shot in the arm
when a group of freshman promised to “go
hard. Real real hard in 2011.”
“Usually people do something dumb, like
a diet or sit ups or being more tolerant of other
cultures,” mused Dupre six resident Jimmy St.
Francis. “Me and a couple of the bros said, ‘fuck
that,’ let’s go harder than any other fuckers ever
to step foot on this campus.”
Bold words from a bold man. Indeed, it
seems often that students at Macalester promise to start the semester with a new declaration
of going out every weekend, increasing alcohol
consumption, and making friends who may or
may not want to engage in sexual intercourse
with them. How then, the question might go,
does Jimmy and his elite group of comrades
plan to bring their plan to fruition?
Dave Pervo thinks he may be on to something. “I’m just gonna wear a condom at all
times so I’m literally down to fuck whenevs
and whatevs.”
“And yes, my penis is hard at all times.”
A stunning revelation. And Pervo wasn’t
done there. “Also, imma try and get a girl to
hook up with me at eleven, so I can does my
thing, drink again, and be back out at a party
by twelve or twelve thirty. And then hook up
with another girl at two. And then three. And
then I’m gonna take a nap and watch a few
episodes of Entourage and then take a couple
shots, go to brunch, and find a new girl.

Even those who don’t know what the fuck
Pervo was referring too were impressed by the
bold accord struck by the fine young men at
approximately 12:01 am, January 1st, 2011.
“These guys are legends, and the semester has barely even begun,” squeaked campus
caterpillar enthusiast/dork Clark Bean. “I saw
them at a Kagin dance, and Jimmy was totally
motor boating this senior, right on the stage!
The illest (illest, really Clark? This is why kids
knock your tray out of your hands in CaféMac.
Loser. ) part of the whole thing was that he
passed out right there, in the crevice of her
breasts! Me and the gang (aka just Clark. Why
does this kid suck so much?) were chanting
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Man, those were the
times.”
Even the staff has noticed the effects,
morally and academically, Jimmy and the
gang have had in class post-resolution. History of Incan Counter-Culture professor Kent
Brocklin went even further in his praise for this
spunky up and comer. “Dan. You know this kid
Dan? Well he’s friends with Jimmy so you know
he’s a giant bad ass. Anyways, I caught him in
the back of my class the other day getting a
hand job from this chick.” Brocklin then took a
moment to remove his glasses, wipe a tear of
laughter from his face, and compose himself.
“All I could do was shake my head and laugh,
cause the kid just goes so fucking hard all the
time. It’s unbelievable. I don’t know how he
does it. Plus the chick was straight banging,
easily an 8.5.”
It appears that up to this point, the group
[7]

has managed to stay true to their promise of
going real fucking hard in the new semester.
Time will only tell, however, if they will be
able to keep up this miraculous run at glory,
as the semester drags on parties tend to get
lamer, school work piles up, and Kagin dances
are rented out for the old folks Polka Dancestravaganza. One thing that may give them
hope, however, is the fact that spring and all
her blessed sunshine and flowers are right
around the corner.
“Totally, bro,” Jimmy concurs. “I can’t wait
for spring so I can wear board shorts and flip
flops,” he says, though currently wearing board
shorts and flip flops in a windshield of negative eight outside of Dupre.
“The most important thing is staying
true to yourself, cause that’s what a New Year’s
resolutions are all about” he says, pounding his
fist where he thinks his heart might be. “And
getting tons of that pooty tang too.”
Rock on Jimmy. Rock on.

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Men’s Lacrosse Team Loses Game, Wins Hearts
[Mel Kiper Jr Jr. Sr.]

On Tuesday the Macalester men’s lacrosse team
played Carleton at Northfield. Despite the terrible
playing conditions, the Scots looked great out on
the field, giving high fives and ass slaps to both their
teammates and their opponents. Referee Erik Jorgersson said of the Mac players, “they were by far the
worst lacrosse team I’ve ever seen, but, by god, they
sure as hell were great sports!”

“They were pathetic… like an abused puppy that
keeps coming back for another kick,” said spectator
Diana Patterson. “I thought they were going to play
Lacrosse but instead they just wanted to play house.
My grandmother would have played better out there.”
But, as Macalester students know, winning isn’t everything. And the men’s team proved that with their
terrific sportsmanship and school spirit, somehow
managing to bring all five pillars of Macalester onto
the field—including global citizenship and academic
integrity. “Their dumb cheer ‘Drink tea, wear black;
buy organic, GO MAC’ was ridiculous.” spat Patterson
disgustedly.
Captain Andrew Nussbaum, ’11, told the Hegemonocle that he intends to hold practices six days a
week and make sure to work on sportsmanship, “The
MIAC is a really tough conference, Gustavus and Concordia have really great spirit, and St. Olaf gets orange
slices after every game…and even shares with their
opponents. We knew going into this season that we’d
really have to practice our hand-shaking and lining
[8]

up.” On Tuesday, all that hard work seemed to pay
off.
Goalie Elliot Browning, ’12, told us after the game
that “Walking out on the field was really tough- I
knew we’d have to really keep our heads in the game
to make sure we kept out spirits up. We got to Carleton and saw how nice those guys were. And not
only were they polite and well mannered, but they
looked like the pantheon of Norse gods, sent down
to Minnesota. They just played like demigods out on
the field and at the post-game handshakes, they were
like Nobel Laureates. After they sent Bobby [forward
Robert Sussman, ‘13] to the hospital, it took all of our
practice to come in and give the Knights [Carleton
men’s lacrosse team] a big group hug.”
Sussman left in the 10th minute after a particularly
vicious check from Knight defender Alex Knollersonvelt, ’13. “The Knights were real bastards, but it paid
off. Our spirit was so much more genuine when blood
was streaming down our faces” said Nussbaum. The
Scots are currently in 31st place, trailing the Ramsey
Junior High Lemonsquares, who are themselves renowned for their cordial and humble demeanor. But
according to www.D3sportsmanship.com, the team
is number 2 in the national sportsmanship rankings,
right after the Brown University Brownnosers, who
have been undefeated 70 years straight.
“I’ve never seen anything like it!” said Carleton student and spectator Alyssa Knefellfeller. “We [Carleton]
just kept on scoring, and scoring, and scoring! We
sent one of their players to the hospital with a concussion, we checked them until they could barely stand,
and they just came back after everything and give us
high-fives.” Carleton captain Thor Jundusgaaard, ’11,
said, “I have to give those plucky bastards credit! We
kept scoring and they just refused to get upset. After
every goal they congratulated us and complimented
us on our technique. They even made a tunnel for
our players to run through after the end of the game.
Wow! What a bunch of idiots!”

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Safewalkers to make campus more dangerous
[andy milonakis]

As many have observed, this semester has witnessed a conspicuous expansion of the SafeWalk
program. In efforts to increase participation in the
program, the SafeWalk table has received a tablecloth, the number of safe walkers per nightly shift has
tripled, and the program has advertized its services
on Band-Aid holders. Within SafeWalk, walkers have
been awarded titles of “most responsible safe walker,”
“walker with most murders prevented,” and “walker
with the least attempts to his/her friends to call SafeWalk so that you can go to a party on Saturday night.”
Despite efforts to get anyone ever to use this service,
SafeWalk efforts have proved futile in raising participation levels.
Perhaps there’s a problem with the school itself—
it is hard to believe that handing out Band-Aid holders
wouldn’t make the student body want people to walk
them from the Leonard Center to Dupre at 11 pm.
Whatever the issue, expect to see a major shift in the
program’s trajectory next semester.
Manager Jamie Dresher was willing to comment
on the program’s new outlook: “Clearly in the past
there has been little need for this program. What do
you do when people don’t need something? You create the need. We are going to make Macalester more
dangerous than going for a boat ride off the coast of
Somalia.”
What she is referring to is SafeWalk’s effort to
make Macalester a more dangerous campus. Here is
what you have to look forward to:

[9]

• Hereafter, all squirrels will be infected with
rabies. SalkWalkers will be the only people on
campus with the vaccine.
• Macalester will subsidize housing for Saint
Thomas fraternities within a one-mile radius of
campus.
• The pool will become a habitat for sharks with
lasers on their heads.
• Safe Walkers will exacerbate tensions already
existing rival gangs—think the MacYarn vs. the
hipsters, the baseball team vs. faceAIDS
• Replace all ice with dry ice.
• Students with H1N1 are forced to go to class (really SafeWalk?! 2009 called, they want their virus
back!).
• Portions in Café Mac will be downsized to the
point of total malnutrition.
• A dress code will take effect every night at 9pm
(suspiciously the same time as Safe Walk starts)
in which all students will be required to wear only
black clothing. The only people with reflective
vests will be Safe Walkers.
The Safe Walk program thus asks you to not get
a rabies shot in the near future, expand the amount of
black apparel in your wardrobe, dispose of your collection of reflector vests, and think twice before using
the school pool.

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Terry Gorman loses moustache, all power
Kathy, Asian Station

Head of Campus Security Terry Gorman had a
shocking revelation last Thursday when the loss of
his beloved moustache rendered him completely
powerless. Gorman, who shaved as part of an undercover sting-operation in Dupre, found that without
his moustache people either didn’t recognize him or
outright disrespected him. When asked about the
event, Gorman seemed to be making peace with his
newfound standing in the community, “I get it,” Gorman said, “running a campus security team comes with
certain responsibilities, awesome facial hair being the
most important one of them. I’m sorry for letting everyone down.”
Students and faculty alike were dumbfounded
when shown pictures of the clean-shaven security
chief. “I saw that hairless muthafucka on campus last
week, I think he’s someone’s dad or something. He
looked like such a little school yard bitch with his bare
upper lip. I just started verbally abusing him fromn
a safe distance,” said Dan Ramos, a Political Science
professor. When told that the man in the picture was
in fact the head of Macalester security most seemed
to be either surprised or terrified, “Jesus Christ, that guy

Tom Selleck’s moustache is a more
well-known actor than the face it is
attached to.

Salvador Dali : painter and flowered
moustache man.

[10]

doesn’t even have sideburns,” sighed Junior Steven Butterfield, “How are we supposed to feel safe?”
Another student. Sophomore Buzzy Erikson, who
recently had a run in with Gorman, said, “that babyface tried to give me a write-up last weekend, it was
adorable.” Gorman’s current lack of what he calls his
“upper lip amigo” has actually led to a lapse in campus
security, and a potential crisis as small children have
been running rampant on Macalester’s campus. “Terry
Gorman used to keep all these kids off campus, now
they won’t even listen to him. It’s really awful, I mean
fuck, don’t these kids have parents?” said President
Brian Rosenberg in an official statement regarding the
catastrophe
Terry Gorman has taken on a strict diet of red meat
and potato purees in an attempt to rapidly re-grow his
moustache and hopefully save campus from recent
string of incidents that include, but are not limited to:
Godzilla attack, impregnantion of every man on campus, wheat pizza being served at every station in Cafe
Mac, the releasing of the Kraken into Riley pool, the
long expected return of Jesus, and someone fucking
forgot to refill the hand sanitizer dispenser on Turck 1.

Hulk Hogan’s moustache won
more fights than he did. I mean,
look at it.

Terry Gorman is just one in
a long line of power moustaches.

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Unsustainability Club Causes Panic on Campus
with Violent, Non-Reusable Agenda
-BIll Nye, the Science Guy
Two weeks ago “ The Unsustainability Club” became an
One of the clubs first controversial acts was the burning
officially chartered organization at Macalester. Since then, of Markim Hall. The club heaved Molotov cocktails made
the organization has wrought havoc on the Macalester cam- of imported Russian vodka at the Institute of Global Citizenpus. The chartering of the organization was controversial, ship, burning it to the ground within a matter of hours. “I
but president Brian “ Pabst Blue Ribbon” Rosenberg said, was a little disappointed with the burning of Markim Hall” ,
“ After Mac Cousins of the Confederacy, Macalester Anti- said Steven, “ None of the students really cared and the fire
Semites, Caucasian Culture Appreciation, and Mac GOP department didn’ t even show up. The next day, most of the
became clubs, it was hard for us to say no.”
students didn’ t even realize it was gone.”
For the past two weeks the club has been fervent in
Most affected by the burning of Markim Hall were Matheir activity on campus, but president of the club Red “ calester tour guides. A representative from their camp reThe People’ s Champ” Steven claims the organization has leased a statement saying, “Although we really loved showactually been active for years.
ing that shit off to prospies, its
“We couldn’t really charter the
time we all moved on.”
club until this year. There were
Tour guides aren’ t the only
some technical difficulties, but
members of the community reactyou know that windmill? Yep,
ing to the groups’ controversial
that was us secretly lobbying to
acts. Self- proclaimed King of
the administration.” The installthe Hipsters Momba “ Numba”
ment of the windmill is one of
Phive said, “ I really like what
the most ingenious acts by any
Red and his club are doing. Beanti-green club in America. The
ing unsustainable is pretty cutting
windmill continues to eat up the
edge and original stuff. I think
college’ s resources; installation
unsustainability will be really big
totalling $5 million, and an adin about five years.” And that’ s
ditional 1 million gypsy tears a
why Momba isn’ t wasting any
This baby seal will die a horrible death by bludgeoning
year for upkeep. Steven then said,
time. Apparently His Majesty has
“It will take a whole epoch of the windmill functioning at already converted his home to be purely powered by coal.
full capacity to regain the energy it took to transport it here”
But what lies in wait for the Unsustainability Club? “I’
.
ve got plans,” said Steven, “Hopefully Mac can get rid of all
Despite having a first name for a last name, Red Steven renewable energy and be completely dependent on Martian
seems to be a president with a mission. He told reporters, “ oil by 2015, but I’ m just a dreamer...I also would like to see
We have been really inspired by the work of Egyptian Presi- all males on campus start masturbating into Styrofoam cups
dent Hosni Mubarak. He seems like a really cool guy, and I and using baby seal oil as lubricant. You know how many
think I speak for everyone in the club when I say we want to Styrofoam cups this campus would go through in a week
hang out with that dude.” Steven told reporters that in addi- and how many baby seals we could kill?” Steven said other
tion to Mubarak, there have been other major world figures Unsustainability sponsored events will include Triple Tray
that have been role models for himself and the club. “We are Thursdays and a petting zoo with a cow that only eats burhoping to bring some off-campus polluters to come and talk ritos. “Bovice is kind of our club mascot. He eats a trough of
to students in the upcoming weeks. Hopefully, Looten Plun- burritos everyday and releases his wonderful gases into the
der will be speaking to students soon. His suave demeanor world.” Neeless to say, the club seems to be prospering and
has really pissed off Captain Planet for a while, and we re- will active in the Mac community for years to come.
ally like that.” Steven then added, “If we get really lucky, BP
CEO Robert Dudley will be speaking to students on how they
can make their presence known in costal communities.”
[11]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

INCEPTION CONTD.
FADE IN
COBB (Leonardo DiCaprio)
I think we just entered the twenty-seventh level of the dream. I hear at this level whole
years can go by in the time it takes Ellen Page to make a snappy remark
ARTHUR (Joseph Gordon-Levitt)
Ok,seriously, we are now this far down in a Leo DiCaprio subconscious and have yet to see
any dude on dude action. I don’t buy it
EAMES (Tom Hardy)
Yea, I lost track twelve levels back when we were inside the dog’s dream for the second
time
COBB
Why did we do that again, this is so confusing?
ARTHUR
I figured as long as we were doing this I wold try and teach my dog to shake hands. (spooky
voice) oooooh Inception.
EAMES
Is it normal I always have morning wood after we do this? Sometimes we have to run away from
the people chasing Cobb, and that just makes it harder.
ARTHUR
Wait! I thought we were just dreaming all the times we had to do that. Then we woke up and
got eggs and they gave me ham instead of bacon.
COBB
At this point do you just think every time you wake up your coming out of a dream
EAMES
Do you realize how little sense that makes.
COBB
Hey, leave me alone. My wife died remember. (pause) motion!
ARTHUR
I was going to say something about that. What did she do again? She killed herself and
framed
you for that, and she appears every few minutes regardless of whose dream we are in to try
and
kill us. I’m sorry dude, but I got say your wife is kind of a B.
EAMES
Yea total B man. Have you considered boning Juno?
COBB
Fuck you guys, that’s the emotional center of the film. I keep her in an elevator for god
sake. I can’t let go.
ARTHUR
God my life is so weird. Like that Jim Carey movie where he was serious.
EAMES
The Number 23?
ARTHUR
That wasn’t a comedy?
COBB
You mean Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I couldn’t understand why Jim Carey got his
memory
erased. Wouldn’t it just be simpler and cheaper to just get over her.

[12]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

EAMES
All the drama in that movie was just derived from the convoluted and overcomplicated plot.
COBB
Truth. Fuck that movie.
A WOMAN appears holding a gun.
EAMES
Shit its Cobb’s wife. Run (The men run. They hide behind a DENNY’S)
COBB
(peers into the window) Five for Five! Now that is a dream come true.
EAMES
Ok fuck this shit, are you that essential? Like do we really need to take you on every mission even though your evil wife avatar fucks shit up seemingly without fail ever single
time.
COBB
Sorry, she is just a manifestation of my crippling guilt
EAMES
You shouldn’t feel that guilty. At least you were never in G.I Joe the movie(pause)
BURN! Jospeh Gordon Levit burn! (COBB and EAMES high five)
ARTHUR
Hey. A girls gota eat. Anyway where are we besides behind a Denny’s
COBB
Are we maybe inside Tom Hanks dream. I feel like we would go there to try to inception him
into giving us a Oscar. (look around) Yea, that’s where we are
(The THREE MEN look around. They are on 1950s movie set, the cameras are pointed at a civil
war camp, with men in confederate uniforms sitting around a camp fire. Suddenly there is a
CRASH and a boom mike falls into the 50s movie set, showing there is a larger modern move
set behind it.)
ARTHUR
Oh man, this is a dream about someone filming a period piece about filming a period piece.
This has got to be Hanks
EAMES
and HBOs wet dream
COBB
Look at the chair legs, and the shoelaces. So realistic!
ARTHUR
Well let’s get on with it, I think I hear Edith Piaf. (EAMES walks over to HANKS)
EAMES
Hey Mr. Hanks, give us an Oscar
TOM HANKS
Sure, no problem.
EAMES
Thanks!
ARTHUR AND COB
Inception! (The three men high five.)
ARTHUR
Now let’s get out of here before something else happens. I hear the Denny’s in Tom Hank’s
dream is open for another hour. (A giant title wave of pee careens towards them)
COBB
God damn it, did someone put my hand in warm water again?
(Fade Out)

[13]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Why Having Sex with Animals Should
be Socially Acceptable [Jane Goodall]
You can’t deny the occasional fantasies you’ve had about various rendezvous with our fellow four legged… or no
legged friends. A couple animals that would definitely fit the bill for a sexy roll in the hay would be:
Slugs
Slugs are hermaphrodites and have both sex organs… so we’re basically on our way to a threesome. Hallelujah!
As an added plus, the trail of slime that the slug leaves behind is excellent lube for all your sexual needs with no
added cost!
Pigs
Pigs are one of a few species (other than us humans) that are proven to have sex for pleasure…. Rolling around in
the mud with one of these pink beauties could get real dirty. In more ways than one.
Goats
Ever wanted to get a baaaaad ass blowjob? Now you can. Imagine your dick being sucked by a goat, with the little
hairs on her chin brushing up against you. Hot.
Porcupines
First of all, porcupines are horny as fuck. On several occasions, female porcupines have been seen using a stick as
a dildo to satisfy themselves. If that isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is! They could really use our assistance to
help get them off. I mean a stick? Now that’s just pathetic.
Dolphins
Dolphins are known to engage in intense sexual play before intercourse, if you’ve never experienced underwater
role-play, I’d say now is the time! In addition, as dolphins grow old they tend to turn bisexual, so if that’s your cup
of tea, then make sure she’s good and aged before you strike.
Penguins
It is proven that some female penguins will sell themselves in exchange for pebbles. Now tell me that isn’t cheap
compared to the other hookers you’ve paid. Just go outside pick up a few rocks and toss them at your nearest
penguin. Make sure to ask her about her past, I hear emperor penguins have herpes going around and that shit
mixed up with penguin feathers isn’t a pretty sight.
Honestly, if I don’t have you convinced by now to get nasty with the
nearest newt or do the dirty with your dog then you can go back to your kind.
But I’m warning you, if you want an easy and enjoyable bang sesh, humans are
most definitely not the answer.

course segment “Raptors,” velociraptors learned to open
doors to find food. Actual observation of dinosaurs in
their natural habitat has proven this to be false. Instead,
velocirapots are characterized by their love of breaking
out a Little Mermarid blanket and catching some sun on
Kagin lawn during a nice spring day.
“This is terrible, just terrible,” said Geology major Sarah Softrock, ’11. “I wrote my entire Capstone about how
raptors learned to open doors. I never even considered
there lacks of thumbs.”
Many students have been very disappointed by the
new revelations that much of what they learned was
wrong. “If babesaurus smutticus isn’t an actual dinosaur, then what have I been beating it to all these years
(probably Gary Busey)?” asked a very confused David
Clawpitt, ’12, who took the class in the fall of his freshman year.
Perhaps the greatest blow to the Dinosaurs class
comes from the surprise that neither Jurassic Park I nor
II were accurate at all regarding dinosaur behavior. In
a surprising turn of events, the once-lambasted documentary series “The Land Before Time” is now believed
to have been largely accurate in its depiction of dinosaurs.
The Macalester Geology department has since decided to stop offering Dinosaurs as a class, and instead
students can take GEOL-101B, Planets of Star Wars, because there is no way they can fuck that one up.

Welcome to the Homework Helper column, my dear
Macalester family. Yes, I just referred to you all as my
family. Not that you are actually my dear loved ones.
Why would I ever insinuate such a thing?

around trying to remember chemistry when you can
be out there living it! The world is full of Bonds and
Sean Connery was just one, though he truly was the
best.

No, not a rhetorical question, though you may well
have misinterpreted those words with a dash of sarcasm at first sight. So why would I call you my family?
The likely answer is that, as a result of a fall on this
infernal ice that is plaguing the entire universe of late,
I have been on a delightful cocktail of painkillers until
my broken bones have knit themselves back together
like a sweater of support
and love for the structure
of my body. So in the spirit
of warmth and prescription
medication, I’ll field some of
your brainless inquiries now.

-Dr. Professor.
My Darling Doctor,
The time has come for me to apply to grad schools.
I took a class with you freshmen year (when you still
taught classes), and I was wondering if you’d consider
writing a recommendation for me? I
remember the way that you would look
at me across the classroom – maybe if
you help me make my dreams come
true, I can help you with yours… [winks
enticingly]

Dear Dr. Professor,

-Baby Blue Eyes

I’m kind of struggling in my
Organic Chemistry class right
now. Everyone tells me this
is simple, but I’ve yet to hear an explanation that really
gelled with my way of understanding – what is the difference between a benzene ring and a cyclohexane?

Eyes,

-Chemisery

How fascinating that you think I would
be interested in something like that. If I look at my students with anything besides mild ennui, it is solely to
convey the image that I am invested in their education.
If you want to help me make my “dreams come true,”
you’ll get into a grad school based on your own merits
or you’ll give up and let a real scholar take your spot.

My good Sir,
-Doc
I’m pleased to see that you, unlike so many out there,
actually waste my time with proper academic questions. Though somewhat trivial, your question displays
a burning pursuit of knowledge, and I appreciate this
trivial pursuit.

When categorizing these chemicals, you have to
pay close attention to the details. Call in 007, because
it’s all about the ‘bonds’ – what bonds to what and in
what quantity. I personally favor the mantra Christianos
ad leones, which is Latin for ‘seize the day!’ Don’t sit
[16]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Minnie,
I think a better question is who are you? What makes you think that I have an explanation for the random fluctuations and inconsistencies in the Earth’s dear atmosphere that cause seasons to differ by the year? Do I look like
an expert on the warming of the globe? Do you mistake me for some kind of Al Gore figure who delivers elaborate presentations in front of movie cameras and packages them as feature length films, tricking audiences into
thinking they are awaiting some blockbuster experience? Did I lure you into a movie theatre and make you sit
through 100 minutes of green hippie-evangelism that frankly made my popcorn stale?
Or do I resemble some kind of string theoretician perhaps? Do I walk around with unkempt hair wearing
tweed jackets and thick glasses, spouting ideas and theorems that few people, if any, besides myself can comprehend? Do I place myself on some insanely high pedestal that makes the rest of humanity appear to be nothing
but bugs crawling around my ankles!?
Yes I do, and the simple answer to your question is spiders.
-The good Doctor
Good Sir,
I write this directed at your reading audience – are you all blind? I for one am tired of this man using his column
as an opportunity simply to sing his own praises. If he toots his own horn any louder, he’ll pass out! I want to see
some real answers to our questions. Is it too much to ask for a little respect?
-Somewhat Peeved
Peeve McQueen,
You have the gumption – the downright nerve – to come into my house and spread such unflattering rumors
about me? I’ve got a mind to alert the proper authorities! Your mother and I have been doing my damndest to
raise a productive member of society and this is how you thank her?
That takes some guts, kid. If you still want the job, it’s yours. Otherwise have the receptionist give you a sandwich on the way out. He makes one hell of a Reuben.
Well, that’s about all the questions I can bear to stay awake to answer. Get better all of you and don’t go outside
ever. Wheaties-The Breakfast of Champions.

[17]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

A report from SAC

[gary coleman, president]

True Blood. Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The Vampire Diaries. Twilight. These days, society is bombarded with images of the sexy supernatural. More and more, the media is cashing in on images of scantily clad bloodsuckers
and shape shifters. We are told that to have one’s bones
chilled by the touch of a vampire is erotic, that to be
in the presence of a dangerous lycanthrope is a sexually thrilling experience. While this new trend is certainly good news for proponents of more “traditional”
and “popular” monsters like werewolves and vampires,
it obscures the sublime sexiness of a lesser-known monstrosity, namely the Mexican Goat-Sucker, or simply, the
Chupacabra. What is so sexy about a Chupacabra? I’m
glad I asked! I’d like to start by describing the facial feature of the Chupacabra. First, the Chupacabra has striking eyes. Bright yellow, with exaggerated bloody red
veins. Additionally, it has an extra skin on its eyes to protect it from goat furs. ¡Que Caliente! Also, it doesn’t have
a nose. If that’s not a turn-on (or boner-on, if you will),
I don’t know what is! Of course, it would be impossible
to discuss the sublime seductiveness of the Chupacabra
without a description of its tongue… Or should I say
tongues! I should, because a Chupacabra actually has 3
tongues. Can you imagine a Chupacabra licking carcass
blood off your body… I know I can!
Next, on to the fur of the Chupacabra. I know no oth-

er way of describing its coat than
to say it’s patchy
and crawling with
goat lice (except
for its pubic hair,
which it carefully
trims into the
shape of a heart.
And also crawling
with lice). Ow Ow!
Does
anybody
else here have an
erection… Or should I say erections? No, I shouldn’t, because I only have one penis. Male chupacabras, on the
other hand, have anywhere between three and seven
penises, each of which is retractable. While I’m aware
that not everyone is as (sexually) into the idea of multiple penises as I am, I think that we can all agree that
when you add the feature of retractability, it really is an
alluring image. Well, that’s all I got. If you aren’t incredibly
turned on right now, then I don’t know what to tell ya.
So get out there, find yourself a Chupacabra, and make
some half-Chupacabra, half-human babies. They’ll be
adorable, I tell ya!

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Godzilla Ruins Another Blind Date
[Abel]

11pm Friday night- -
Sitting alone in his
studio apartment, Godzilla,
the giant radioactive lizard
that has wreaked havoc upon
both Tokyo and New York,
watches Maid in Manhattan and
wonders if he will ever find
true love like J-Lo. He has
just returned from another
botched blind date, the sixth
one this year alone. As he
pours himself another cup
of chai and opens another
package of bon-bons, he tries
Godzilla eats his feelings with the help of friends Ben and Jerry.
to understand how he could
of possibly crushed the
watching his favorite shows, like
waiter with his giant lizard foot.
Grey’s Anatomy. Thats just not the
This is not the first time that this
Godzilla I know.”
radioactive monstrosity has utterly
Moth-Ra, a good friend and
trashed his romantic prospects as if
Godzilla’s wingman (get it?) has
they were city buildings. Of course
expressed frustration. “Every
there is the notorious incident
weekend I convince one of my friends
where Godzilla accidently burned to
to go on the date with the poor
death Carla’s mother, a well known
guy. And while I am a lady’s moth,
first date faux-pas. Then that one
I don’t think I can keep coming
time where he let that off-hand
up with girls. He is starting to
anti-semitic remark slip. How was
develop a reputation”.
he supposed to know that Sarah was
At press time Godzilla was
Jewish?
trying
to numb his feelings by
Godzilla’s friends and family
eating many tubs of Cherry Garcia
are starting to get worried. His
and Chunky Monkey flavored Ben and
brother, Chris Bosh said, “You
Jerry’s Ice Cream. “At least I am
know after the infamous date with
not stress eating people”, said the
Jessica, Godzilla just hasn’t
horrific monstrosity, “Humans go
been the same. He hasn’t massacred
right my to my thighs.”
thousands of city dwellers or
stomped on a city block for almost
a whole year. He is not keeping up
with his rent and has even stopped
[19]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Mac Embraces Bottle History Month
[Poseidon Jones]

It is generally agreed upon that August, besides
having 31 days, unlike those pussy months with
only 30 days, pretty much has nothing going for
it besides the History of Bottles. Mac’s observance
of Bottle History Month has made public the long
fight of America’s reusable water bottle population
for dominance in public hydration.
America’s population of reusable water bottles
has long suffered due to a vast influx of cheap, disposable plastics; billions of immigrants have been
brought in bulk from of Fiji, Kirkland, and Poland,
and have taken jobs away from green-blooded,
native-built water carriers. The reusable community has long suffered indignities at the hands of
the spring water moguls and their foreign laborers.
Even to this day, fountains that serve tap water go
un-cleaned near bathrooms, while bottled water receives a place of honor, and NYC’s East River is rife
with gonorrhea. Bottle History Month was created to
commemorate those who fought for bottle justice,
people such as: Ernst J. Camelbak, militant founder
of the United Plastics; Richard Nalgene III, proud
piss bottle of Neil Armstrong and the first bottle to
the moon; and E.M.S. Longrod, the BPA-leaching
freedom fighter who delivered a legendary speech
in little Tommy’s Kitchen. He had a dream for a future with only tap water, free of high-browed water
bottles.While many students supported the newcomers, even employing up to 48 at a time through
Costco, the school has taken steps to secure its border, and aid the tap water movement in delivering
students water with more mercury and lead.
• Effective immediately, all Macalester students
will be required to submit to a pat-down when returning to campus from any supermarket, to prevent bottle trafficking.
• Anyone found with bottled water will be
charged with possession of illegal water, and deported to Kirkland or Poland along with the offending bottles (Fiji’s too nice).

• Anyone caught complaining about the taste
of tap water will be called a bitch and mocked by
Sustainability Office workers, then added to the
greenlist
• Tap water must never exceed lukewarm temperature, in order to save energy on heating and
cooling. Violators will be added to the greenlist.
• All water consumed by students shall have a
thick consistency and aftertaste.
• Students shall consider themselves lucky that
they do not live near the East River.
• Metals in water are no big deal.
• The Sustainability Officers reserves the right to
call students on the greenlist into a meeting of the
Macalester Un-Green Activities Committee.
Students have responded to the changes by
not giving a shit. One student said: “I already have a
50-pack at home. I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuck. I use
about 14 a day just washing my hands and gargling
in the morning. The rest I use to wash my nads
and, occasionally, I pour water out my window to
help that big tree that provides me with important
shade during the four days a year that its warm out.”
Most see the new power of the Sustainability Office as something Orwellian, however much such
an abused term means. Meanwhile, cultural orgs
in support of immigrant rights have stepped up
on their support of the Kirk, Fijian and Polish bottle
populations in America, chalking up sidewalks and
painting on the rock a complete list of every tributary coming off of the Mississippi.

[20]

Hegemonocle

spring.2011

volume4.issue2

IGC Newsletter
[brian williams]

After more than fifty possible candidates and nine
months of speculation, the Institute for Global Citizenship has a new Dean. In a move that surprised some,
the IGC search committee announced that Osama bin
Laden will be taking over for Ahmed I. Samatar in the fall
as Dean of the Institute for Global Citizenship. Bin Laden, an alumni of the King Abdulaziz University in Saudi
Arabia, was seen as an underdog from the beginning
due to a lack of recent publications in major academic
journals and his masterminding of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
However, to those familiar
with the committees decision
process, this move may appear less surprising.
“We knew from the outset
at least one member of the
senior Al Qaeda leadership
would be considered. The IGC
has established a considerable working partnership with
them since we began, I mean
some of the best work being
done in caves is being done
by these guys” said Paul Robinson, the Chairman of the
search committee.
Other sources confirmed
the committee was impressed by bin Laden’s wide array
of connections in every part of the world, as well as his
work in third world grass roots organizing. Additionally,
many on the committee expressed a desire to look outside the traditionally closed halls of academia.
“We wanted someone with real world experience
as well as scholarly credentials, someone who has really
made an impact on the world at large as well as in the
classroom” said Robinson.
Mr. bin Laden’s application came via video tape,
Legally Blond style, last spring in a group of packages
postmarked from the Tora Borah region of Afghanistan,
most of which contained anthrax meant for student
body president Owen Truesdell.
“I had to admit,” said President Brian Rosenberg, “I
was not expecting the world’s most wanted man to try

and get us to want him, but after reading some of his
thoughts on transnational labor movements in Latin
America and the impurity of Western blood, it became
pretty clear to everyone involved that this was our
guy”.
The Macalester student body has responded
with cautious optimism and the thought of such a new
perspective playing a major role on campus.
“I strongly disagree with his stance on the annexation of the Shaba Farms region by Israel,” said Jon Aldermen ’13, “but other than that I’m
willing to listen to what he has to
say and am excited to have him
on campus”.
Others were slightly less enthusiastic. “It’s not as bad as the
time the school took my $6 to
give to MPIRG,” said David Millburn ’11, “but he did kill thousands of innocent Americans. But
then again this is pretty much
what I have come to expect from
the Macalester administration”.
Following the announcement, future Dean bin Laden addressed an audience of nineteen
students via teleconference from
his cave/office on the Afghanistan-Pakistan boarder.
“I am still slightly unclear about what the purpose
of Institute for Global Citizenship is,” said a beaming bin
Laden, “but I have no doubt that over the next few years
we will advance towards that goal, whatever it is, with
great determination. Also women shouldn’t be taught
to read”.
When asked whether he worried about capture if he
were to leave hiding to come to St. Paul bin Laden assured us that no police, military, C.I.A agents, or mutant
people hunting monkeys were allowed on Macalester’s
campus without the expressed consent of the college.
“I guess I better do a good job or else Brian can just call
delta force” joked bin Laden, “but seriously, please don’t
call delta force”.

[21]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

Inside the Actors Studio

volume4.issue2

James Lipton: Hello, ladies....and the gentlemen as well. Tonight.....our guest is a renowned physical artist
and showperson. Imagine....if you will....a pool of vomit. It has pieces of Ramen noodles, broccoli, and
Sour Patch Kids in it. Now.....further imagine..if that vomit became living tissue.....blood....organs.... and
bones. And that it began to murder members of the National Football League....... It would succeed in
killing all....but one of its prey......... When it would approach our guest tonight...it would be bedazzled,
entranced, and stupefied....by his glorious manners. It would proceed to and shrivel....and...die. Our
guest.....the ghost of Christmas now.....Chad Ochocinco.
* Enter Ochocinco. Crowd cheers *
James Lipton: Shut your mouths. He is here tonight
to tell the chosen..watching their television screen....
the wonders of his collection of newly released musiclays......simultaneously musicals.....and plays.......
at the same....precise....time. Chad.....you don’t
mind if I call you that do you?...Don’t answer that.
Chad.....how?

Ochocinco: Well James, it came to me after I raced
that horse. I was like, “Damn Chad, you know? You
good enough to be on Broadway.” And I did some
research and I found that they have musicals and
plays, so I decided, so they don’t have to wait for the
musical version and then the play version, I’d invent
the musiclay.

James Lipton: Yes, yes yes yes yes, yes, yes, yes! I
can see it...right in front of me now. Now.....we are graced...with chosen selections...of three of Dr. Cinco’s
musiclays....right before our very bodies. What are they Sir Chadsalot?

Ochocinco: So first we’ve got “Death of a Salesperson”. My character’s Willy Loman, a businessman who
wants his son Biff to be a traveling salesman, but get this: Biff’s is dumb as hell. Here’s how it plays out:
--------------------------------------------------Death of a Salesperson-----------------------------------------------Ochocinco: Man, it sure is tough. All this traveling and stuff.
Biff (to the tune of “Teach Me How To Dougie”): Hey dad, am I gonna be as good a salesman as you?
Ochocinco: Child please! I make change like Barack!!
Biff: But dad, I ain’t got the smarts yous got.
Ochocinco: You damn right son! I could convince a bear to breakdance on ya face! I am really smart!
Biff: Aw, I’m feeling feelings of inadequacy and suppressed self-awareness at this point in the musiclay.
Ochocinco: End scene.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Lipton: Fuck my eyes that was superb. I am defiling it with my voice. Please Chadililly....speak.
Ochocinco: Yeah so, if you didn’t catch it I was trying to work in some complex themes that I think’ll really get to the audience. You know, make some bitches cry.

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

James Lipton: Bitches try to front....I just smoke a blunt.
Ochocinco: That’s what I’ve been trying to convey James! I thought it was only me and my dick, Russell
the Love Muscle, that got it but you’re all over this shit Lipton! Yeah, alright! Here’s the next musiclay
called “Romeo or Juliet”. I’m Romeo and in the story Romeo is really into Juliet but,
James Lipton: But what?! Chad con Carne! What is it!
Ochocinco: But, their families don’t like each other a lot.
James Lipton: Another surprise....from Professor...Ocho von Cinco.
Ochocinco (laughing): Oh yeah, you know James, I gotta keep you on your toes man! It’s never as simple
as it looks baby! Aight, so here’s a scene from it:
----------------------------------------------------Jomeo and Ruliet---------------------------------------------------Juliet (to the tune of “Work It”): O think’st thou we shall ever meet again?
Ochocinco: Bitch please!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Lipton: Wife....if you are watching....I will require new pants...upon my return. I have lost control of
the nectars of my body.
Ochocinco: Man I have no idea what
James Lipton: Continue!
Ochocinco: Uh okay.... here’s a scene from my final musiclay called “East Side Story”. It’s about two
gangs, the Jets and the Sharks, that just don’t like each other. I’m the leader of the Jets, Tony, and this is a
scene between me and the leader of the Sharks, Bernardo:
------------------------------------------------------East Side Story--------------------------------------------------Ochocinco: Hey man, fuck you
Bernardo: Hey, I killed your friend, Riff.
Ochocinco (to the tune of “Haterz Everywhere”): Fuckin’ hate your ass right now.
Bernardo: Let’s fight, with knives.
* Scuffle ensues *
Bernardo: Alas! I have been stabbed in the penis!
Ochocinco: Gotcha bitch!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Lipton: Sir Chadless the VIII.....good actors....touch.....but a few lives...during his or her time on
the stage........you sir.............shape the clay of existence......whenever the curtain reveals your presence......
Thank you....and may your days be numbered as the blades of grass.......This concludes our program.....
there will be no questions....Count Chatula is a busy man....we would do best to look in awe....and pray to
the gods of acting that he continues in his solemn duty of changing the universe....one musiclay at a time.

With the 2011
Spring Semester well
underway, the Squirrel Student Union has
announced that it
hopes to achieve recognition from President Brian Rosenberg and the college
administration
as
full-time and equal
students at Macalester. Under current rules, Squirrels are allowed to take up
10 credits per semester and use the commuter student
meal plan. They are not eligible for financial aid.
Since the start of the 2010 fall semester, the Squirrel
Student Union has been circulating a petition among
squirrels and human students alike to gain support.
“A lot of the no-tailed giant hamsters look down on
us with contempt,” said Squirrel Student Union president Harry Chestnuts. “We are a proud species with a
long history at Macalester, and such treatment is completely undeserved.”
To gain signatures, squirrels involved with the petition would run up to a human and stare at them. If
the human gave them food or any sort of attention,
that was counted as a signature. As of February 1st, the
squirrels had collected more than 13,000 signatures on
the Macalester campus alone.
Many professors have expressed support for the
squirrel student body, and there are rumors that they
may push the school to begin offering degrees in squirrel scent identifcaiotn and post-modern nest building.
“I think its about time that squirrels were accepted
here as full students. I mean, we already accept vampires,” said human junior Jaime Furstrip, referring to Economics major Edward Cullenberg, ‘12.
Still, not everyone would welcome full-time student
squirrels to campus.
“There are reasons why we don’t accept squirrels,”
said president Brian Rosenberg. “They are always bathing in the dorm toilets, leaving their nuts everywhere,

chasing their tails on the fourth floor library, trying to
start gang fights with the international kids, and some
try to pay their tuition in acorns.”
With nearly 2500 squirrels living and studying at
Macalester alone, they actually outnumber the human
student body already. If squirrels were granted full-time
student status, housing in on-campus dorms, workstudy programs, bestiality, and studying abroad are all
issues that would have to be addressed.
Macalester’s policies about sex and sexuality on
campus would also need to be revamped. Proposed
outreach to squirrels includes a Squirrels Reclaim Masculinity student organization and a “Consent is Squirrel”
awareness campaign.
“I think it’s important that squirrels understand and
practice safe sex, with each other and human students”
said Heigh Woudd-Jablome, ’11, who is openly and
proudly squirrosexual. “They need to feel comfortable
with their sexuality, but also use protection.”
Other colleges in the area have already begun doing more to make their squirrel student populations feel
more welcome on campus. In addition to providing
heated oak tree dorms for residential squirrels, the University of Minnesota even has a squirrel fraternity, Kappa
Phi Acorn. The University of St. Thomas is beginning to
open its division III sports teams to squirrels, and their
football team’s fullback is a large brown squirrel, Reynold P. Oaknocker IV.
For now, the campaign to make squirrels full-time
students at Macalester is backed mostly by the Squirrel Student Union, though both People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals and Rednecks for the Eating of
Tasty Animals have voiced their support.
President Rosenberg has said that he will consider
implementing the new measures next fall, but warned,
“if I find that squirrels were the ones who toilet-papered
my car and office last Halloween, they can forget about
it.”

[24]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Burrito Night at Café Mac Leads to Gas Leak
This farticle brought to you by the Hot Pocket Foundation

Lock your windows! Close your doors! No open
flames! In a stroke of unsurpassed brilliance, Café Mac
employees decided to empty a massive cauldron of
black, red and pinto beans into the ingredients for Monday night burritos on the South Side of the cafeteria.
Looks like that annoying kid in the visor gave everybody
too many beans and not enough
rice again, and the consequences
have been reverberating throughout campus for days. At 11:15 AM,
CST, the St. Paul Fire Department
smelled gas smells coming from
the Campus Center, the dorms,
the library, all academic buildings,
the chapel, the health and wellness
center, all walkways, benches, local
businesses, language houses, sports
fields, the veggie co-op, and surrounding neighborhoods.
Vibrations from gas incidents
have measured up to 4.6 on the
Richter scale, and the currently
under-construction Music building collapsed on 15 workers. “If
you can’t get us out of here, at
least bring us some food!” one cried from the inside
of a piano. Unfortunately, the decision to distribute the
remainder of the beans to the trapped workers gravely
exacerbated the situation, as blocks of concrete were
seeing flying over the Macalester Groveland community
not more than half an hour later.
The expulsion of gas by the student body has varied
from machine gun releases to silent but deadly clouds
of lethal fumes. The windows in café mac have been
shattered, and the ya-der-hey tectonic plate underlying Minnesota was shifted several degrees. Many, many,
many, many smokers have combusted as a result of the
gas leak. Within 45 minutes of the initial leakage, Macalester’s student body was void of all smoking hipsters,
leaving a handful of sports teams and the Mac G.O.P.
The board of trustees was notified of the damage

done to campus buildings, and responded by mailing President Rosenberg a suitcase of assorted $50
and $100 bills. When President Rosenberg stated that
throwing money at the problem would hardly help
solve the gas leak, Ruth Stricker Dayton allegedly responded by noting that, “at least they have something to
wipe their asses with!”
Despite the uproar, a handful of
students have attempted to take advantage of the flatulent circumstances.
MacCares began distributing skateboards on Tuesday at noon, encouraging students to utilize natural gas as ae
means by which to propel themselves
to and from class. A candlelight vigil
was held in honor of the stranded
construction workers, as students held
matches to their rear ends and saved
on the cost of candles. The heating bills
for March are expected to decrease
significantly. African Music Ensemble has
even incorporated the new rhythms
into their latest concert set.
Terry Gorman sent a series of frantic emails in response to the gas leak
incident. “OH MY GOD, SHIT!” the first one said, which
was followed by “LOCK YOUR WINDOWS, FUCK!”
Until ordered to do otherwise, students should
report to the bomb shelter located in the gender
resource center in the basement of Kagin. Fortunately,
the gas leak took place in conjunction with sex positive
week,. As such, butt plugs will be provided.

[25]

spring.2011

volume4.issue2

Hegemonocle

The Lonely Planet Guide to Campus Sex: Macalester College
[Will.i.am]

It’s Saturday night. You just met a freshman at the Kagin Dance. She (or he) is wearing a slutty garbage man costume, you’re
hopped up Enrique’s latest single, and you’re looking to move the party to your lofted bunk bed in Dupre. You arrive home,
only to find that your roommate is studying/asleep/passed out in a puddle of her own vomit with her sweatpants on backwards. We’ve all been there before. Your bed may be your go-to spot for getting your freak on, but it is not the only or even
the best place for sexytimes on Macalester’s campus. We here at the Hege have conducted exhaustive (and exhausting)
research into the best spots on campus for getting it on. All so that you, dear reader, no longer have to worry about your
roommate and her cock-blocking vom-sweats.
1: The Editing Suites in the HRC
These small rooms on the west side of the Humanities Resource Center are usually used for recording/editing/unleashing
your artsy-hipster-film-nerd. The rooms don’t provide a lot of space or comfort, but they are private, possibly sound proof,
and provide a great way to record and edit your own amateur porno (which you can later submit to the HMCS Department’s
annual video show!). Go later in the day, when the HRC isn’t full of people doing their Chinese homework or printing color
copies of the poster for their band’s latest gig.
2: Art Department
Another artsy choice: the art building. You can start off with a private drawing session with your nude model of choice, then
head upstairs to the Art History lounge, located above the painting studio. There’s a cozy couch, and the lighting is striking
– you’ll get inspired, and get off. Some senior art majors (who haven’t left the building since the middle of their sophomore
year) are natural voyeurs, but probably won’t interrupt – just look out for a life-size screen print of your tryst at the Student
Art Show in the Spring.
3: The Stacks
Don’t roll your eyes just yet. It’s not cliché, it’s
classic. If you’re a Lit major, you can choose the
section with your favorite author; CS majors
might find the Technical Manuals section to
be extra titillating. If you have no bibliographic
preference, we recommend the third floor
– there are fewer people and some noise is allowed, so you won’t have any harried 4th floor
studiers shushing you. Or, grab a friend and a
Chewbacca costume, and act out your favorite Star Wars garbage-disposal fantasy with the
moving shelves in the basement.
4: Carnegie Fire Escape
Okay, hear us out on this one. It’s a beautiful
location – you’re able to look out over the St.
Paul skyline, and if you do it doggie-style (and/
or reach-arounds), both of you can enjoy the
amazing view. However, the site is well monitored by security guards; in our experience, day
visits get squashed by Terry Gorman. Buyou
venture out under the cloak of night, you are
less likely to get stopped/ and or caught.

[26]

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Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

But if you venture out under the cloak of night, you are less likely to get stopped/ and or caught.
5: Student Lounge
Endless benefits: Couches and a pool table, post-coital popcorn, and you can check your SPO afterwards.
6: CRSL Kitchen
No one is ever down there, except Joey Mayer during his office hours (but he won’t mind). Also, lots of free food-play options,
and you can do it while your cookies bake.
7: 4th Floor of Old Main
The view is romantic, it’s spacious and comfortable, and it boasts a kitchen with counter space. There’s also a coat closet
where you can hide if Mac Dems decide to hold an impromptu meeting.
8: Library Presentation Practice Room
It’s probably more private than your dorm room: you can lock it from the inside, and not many people know it exists. It has a
sturdy table, and a projector for the IMAX porn experience.
9: The Psych Experiment Labs in Olin-Rice
Private, kinky, but it’s unlikely that either you or your partner will be
able to find them in the maze that is Olin-Rice
10: CC Meeting Rooms
They’re easily accessible, and the blurry glass provides privacy, but
it’s likely that a lost Mac Gaming Society member will walk in on you.
(Which can easily be swung into a hell of an orgy.)
11: The Dupre Smellevator
It takes foreeeeeeever to get to the 5th floor.
12: Locker Room Saunas in the Leonard Center
Probably limited to same-sex couples, and staying in there for extended periods of time poses a health risk – so don’t exert yourself too
much.
13: The Swings
Self-explanatory.
Wildcard: Dorm Showers
The question of boning in dorm showers sharply divided us. While we
both agree that shower sex in general is A-OK, dorm showers in particular are a point of contention.
One of our staff writers, who is all about gettin’ down in the damp, cramped confines of communal bathrooms, compiled an
extensive list of pros and cons for each dorm shower, while our other writer had the following perspective to contribute in
regards to dorm shower sex: “It’s icky.”
We’ll leave that decision up to you.

[27]

spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Cause the lists in the hood are always hard...
Articles that Didn’t Make it through the
Hegemonocle’s rigorous selection process

Reason’s Why You are Buying a
Pistol

Horse Congress Getting Nowhere: Because they
all say ‘nay’

MacBike rode across your lawn one
time too many

MCS Major Murders Friend in a Bowl of Chocolate
Syrup For Senior Capstone

Just for funnzies

‘H’, ‘M’ and ‘C’ taken out of HMCS major

If I can’t win this hoola hoop contest, no one can

Likealittle.com renamed to likelloydvogelalot.
org

The Redcoats are coming
Your pet Chupacabra escaped again

President Rosenberg cockslaps a penguin at a
recent Kagin Dance

PFs

Student bites into famed Macalester Orange,
destroys Greenland

What other way can you gonna bond
with my three year old daughter?

Geography Department confirms that Minnesota
is only Land of Three Lakes.

Its an upgrade from your blunderbus

Corrections:

Reader Responses

Last semester’s Hegemonocle featured an article that
complimented Laurie Hamrie.
The Hegemonocle regrets
this error.

“Dear Hegemonocle Assholes,

Last semester’s Hegemonocle
said that the article would
self destruct in 10 seconds
when it actually did so in 5.
We regret the loss of many
of our loyal reader’s hands.
We forgot to call our mother. Is it that much of a chore
just to show her that we
love her?
neeed one
[28]

You think you have won, but it is only the beginning. I am slowly amassing my army biding
my time, getting ready to bring yo human asses
down. Already I have the support of the salad
bar, the cereal bowls and even Brandi. Thats
right mo’fuckas, Brandi.
Your fucking worst nightmare,
Wheat ‘Ghostface Killah’ Pizza
Dear Hegemonocle,
We have feelings too.
MacGOP