I guess, after being through emotional charges of feeling like ending life, to hear that a family member has succeeded at doing just that, it has given me more conflicted feelings regarding it.

Is it wrong? I dunno. Some would say "You need a mental institution" - but somehow I can push myself through at work. It's almost like I have a different "character" when i'm there, and when i'm not, I've got no energy left to be that same "character". Particularly at home.

Being part of a family that's got various degrees of depression/ideations and a number of issues within it, it doesn't bode well when I'm in that particular group of those more "profound" with issues. Just because I'm different I get moaned at for almost everything that I don't do, rather than acknowledged for what I do eventually do.

So i'm lethargic. But I get labelled lazy/bone idle. It's not like I DON'T want to do anything, more that I struggle to adapt. But no-one gets that - they see me as intelligent, not stupid, yet I can't look after myself. Heck, I was 25 moving out of mums and was back there within 2.5 years. Was meant to be short term but 1.5 years later and I'm still there, being a thorn in her side because I show no "respect" to her "rented" property, where I don't keep my area (my bedroom), to a standard she approves of. I don't do enough housework for her liking. I don't do this right/that right. And yet, she's not exactly doing that much more to the point I find some comments hypocritical. I'm wrong for voicing that though.

Anything I've ever wanted to do or be, has fallen flat. Whether it's financially through some idiocy of my own, or what others have wanted me to do that I struggle with and do not complete, I have rarely finished what I started. I just want an end to conflicts, yet people do not accept me when I say just how I view things. This goes for real life, hence why I have enough "friends" to count on one hand. This goes for online, and why I seem to upset/disagree on so many things with so many people.

I'm a master of alienation. I've done it so well for 29 years, that I'm not sure if there's a way I can really modify it.

And there's the crux. I have a number of things, a gf, a job, a therapist, a doc, a GI consultant (for a dx condition), that others do not have. I have family who do look out for me, who rarely bother communicating with me so I now take a similar stance in return. But it still doesn't feel like I deserve to have any of that.

I also bottle most things up. Ok I rant about various things from time to time, but I am pretty tight-lipped on a lot of stuff in general. I rarely breakdown in tears, I rarely open up into too much depth. I'm adept at circling issues rather than being direct (when it comes to my own), that in trying to do so I lose where I'm meant to be going with it.

When it comes to ourselves we beat around the bush, everyone is guilty of. Yet when addressing others we tend to be more direct, why not view yourself as another person, or think of the same situation for another and think about how you would advise them to proceed. Dwelling on some thoughts will lead you astray, But you need to take control now, while you know that things are looking down.

Grabbing them while they are down and sorting through them, chuck some asside that arent the main concerns. Shit Happens, and it will always happen. But if you can't direct your life where you want to go and what you want to do, then who's going to do it for you? Think more about the things that you have the capacity to change and less on the things beyond your control, because the more time you spend chasing those that you can't change, the further away everything else gets.