Thursday, November 25, 2010

It's Thanksgiving....Remember What That Is?

This doesn’t really have anything to do with the Packers other than I’m asking for a Packers scarf for Christmas...

What? Are you surprised at my Christmas list, sir? Strong men also wear scarves... strong men also wear scarves.

So... this isn’t even really about Christmas, only tangentially, I just needed a Packer tie-in. Rather this is about Thanksgiving kicking Christmas’ ass back to December where it damn well belongs. A month ago, I was at the Home Despot, and I saw a giant Christmas display. Over the past month, I kept seeing more and more Christmas displays everywhere I went.

This disgusts me.

Thanksgiving, you have gotten soft. You have let elves and fat-men in red snowsuits creep into your lands. Turkey is no longer worshipped as the majestic poultry it is; it now plays second-fiddle to a piece of candy shaped like a hook...for shame. The coniferous trees, lights, and bulbs that are so arrogantly displayed everywhere, have weakened your resolve and made you sickly and fragile. Christmas has wandered without penalty or retribution all the way into mid-October, but still you rest on your fattened backside. You are based on two things that America loves, football and overeating, yet you cannot turn this to your favor, and Christmas continues to roundly defeat you at every turn. You have failed miserably at protecting your most devout followers from greedy invaders from The North Pole, mall gift-wrapping kiosks, and back-alley tree lots. While your people worship false idols, you do nothing. Thanksgiving, you have allowed the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys to stain your hallowed reputation, and now you have invited the Bengals to openly ridicule you on a national stage. Your glorious bounty of potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberries, pumpkin pies, and turkey are mocked and scorned as being an antiquated diversion for people to endure while they secretly long to be buying gifts and hanging mistletoe. This is unacceptable.

If I didn’t love you so much, Thanksgiving, I would forsake you and wander away, vowing never to eat myself to sleep again.

But there is hope for you, Thanksgiving. It is time for you to nut-up, or shut-up. You need to grip the carving knife with both hands, hold it to Santa’s throat, and slowly walk Christmas’ ass back to Black Friday…at the earliest. You must purge the awful football that is played, you must put an end to people hanging Christmas lights immediately following their Thanksgiving feasts, and you must put an end to Carols on the radio before YOU decide it is time. It’s quite possible that someday you could force Christmas back to mid-December, but you need to win a battle before you can win a war, so for now, Black Friday it must be.

The time has come, Thanksgiving, to take November back, make it it yours again, and get back to being the kick-ass holiday that you are.

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