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Plot

True Lies begins with Agent Harry Renquist inside of a coffee shop. As he orders a black coffee with no cream, he is confronted by a drug induced Jamie Lee Curtis, who has walked all the way from her house. A domestic dispute ensues, with Curtis throwing chairs, people, and other dangerously useless objects at Harry, ending with Harry passing out and being urinated on. He awakens to find Tom Arnold in front of him, says he has found the missing page and then stabs himself. Harry then steals a truck, looks in a mirror, listens to a gypsy that tells him he's a small Asian man, and drives "cross-country" to find his crazy ass but sexy wife Jamie Lee. Since Harry is being chased by the "agency" aka the police, he can't stop the massive truck he is driving. At certain points, he slows to pick up random women off the streets, including his daughter, Dana (played by Jessica Alba). He then proceeds to inform Dana that he really isn't her father, screws her, and then kills her. Tom Arnold shows up inside of the truck afterwards, with a gun in an attempt to stop the truck by saying he has been sent in by the "agency". Arnold subdues him, pulls his pants down, ties him to bottom of the truck and forces Tom Arnold into an erection as Harry drives over 80 miles an hour. This proved to be a highly creative form of castration. The movie ends with Harry crashing into a school bus of small children, causing a massive explosion, killing them all instantly.

Production

Arnold Schwarzenegger, suffering from serious psychosis due to the strenous job of being governor of California, devised his directorial debut in cinema with a sequel to his film with James Cameron, "True Lies". However, due to the psychosis, he proved to be completely incapable of creating a plot and instead hired a bunch of "Romanian homos" to help him out. The Romanians accepted the offer when Arnold guaranteed them "a bottle of Vicadin". Once Arnold obtained the camera and crew, he contacted Jessica Alba and Jamie Lee Curtis, telling them he had signed up for a deal with Cameron and was hoping they'd both do the same. Due to Schwarzenegger's charm, they both agreed instantly, followed by both attempting to have phone sex with Schwarzenegger. When they arrived, they discovered that Arnold was completely insane, had stuffed all the Romanians in the back of a giant truck much like the one at the highway scene of the first film, and forced Jamie and Jessica into the back.

Police were immediately notified of the kidnappings due to the large amount of witnesses that claimed Schwarzenegger had grabbed Jessica by the crotch, lifted her up straight in the air and threw her inside the truck. A high speed chase began, with Schwarzenegger filming the movie while he ran from police. Tom Arnold, who had just survived a stab wound by Arnold Schwarzenegger, agreed to try and talk to Arnold via in person. He rode a cart under the truck much like the movie Speed, climbed into it and began speaking to Schwarzenegger, who had just raped and killed Jessica Alba. Upon entering the truck, Tom Arnold stated on his radio that, "The Romanians were playing around with their dicks out, while other Romanians were using the speed of the truck to shit sideways onto the other guys' dicks. Schwarzenegger was driving crazily, and Jamie Lee was in a corner, 'dodging shit'."

Immediately after this conversation with police, Schwarzenegger shit out a pistol, cocked it and shot Tom Arnold. However, Tom Arnold did not die, and as a Romanian drove, Schwarzenegger tied Tom Arnold to the bottom of the truck, forced Jamie Lee to get naked and "smother her titties" on Tom Arnold's face, forcing him into an erection. Since the truck was low to the ground and traveling at high speeds, Tom Arnold's penis snapped off and remained there until a large pothole came along, knocking his body loose. The body went through the air and landed on the front windshield of a vacationing family.

The end of the chase came in the state of Maine, after 347 days.. It is still unknown today as to how Mr. Schwarzenegger was able to fuel the truck after an extended traveling distance of more than 500,000 miles. A small retirement home faced the brunt of the crash when Schwarzenegger lost control of the truck, crashing into a full schoolbus, which crashed into a retirement home, killing everyone instantly. Over 28 states were involved in the pursuit, with the help of the National Guard, and the Zimbabwean-Alaskan dradle tournament members when they received a call from Curtis asking for a refund of membership for their "shitty sportsmanship and money laundering". A memorial is at the retirement home, stating how wrong this was, and how Schwarzenegger was forced by aliens to do this.