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Harriet and Steve sat in my consultation room one sunny morning in July. I listened to Harriet, as her tears fell, recalling the previous four months since the loss of their baby.

Steve sat silently, holding her hand. This lovely couple was struggling, each in their own way, at dealing with a miscarriage. Even the strongest relationship can experience huge challenges following such a loss.

GRIEF EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY

When Steve spoke, he mentioned that he just wanted his wife back. He was feeling angry and isolated, as she no longer wanted to discuss her feelings with him and was very withdrawn when it came to sexual intimacy.

Harriet said that while this loss was the only thing constantly on her mind, she just felt that Steve wasn’t able to hear about her pain. He kept telling her to focus on the future. She had spent every day thinking and dreaming of the little life growing inside her. The excitement mounted when she had her first scan and heard their baby’s heartbeat. That future was the reality that occupied her daily thoughts. The dreams were shattered the day that she was informed their baby had died in utero.

It was clear that this couple had different ways of grieving. While Harriet was feeling that life was far from normal, Steve was wondering why it was taking her so long to move on.

She was caught up in the obsessive cycle of thoughts about the baby she was longing for. The anxiety and tension had become a barrier between them, but it was also the catalyst for change.

Research has shown that when couples are not able to talk, they shutdown and get trapped in a downward spiral. This couple wisely sought help so they could grow closer and not get stuck.

GRIEF CAN TEAR YOU APART OR BRING YOU CLOSER

Your partner is the one person you may feel safest with to discuss your feelings. If one of the partners feels judged or is not allowed to express their feelings, it can lead to shutdown.

A miscarriage is similar to other forms of bereavement and in some ways it’s also different. If your partner loses a parent or friend, you are able to be the supportive partner. When you lose a baby, you are both in a place of loss. You may have different needs and you may express your grief in your own way – it’s not right, it’s not wrong, but it’s often a cause for concern for your significant other and can become contentious.

HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER AFTER A MISCARRIAGE?

Couple feel closer when they are able to talk, listen and really hear one another. While this is vital to the strength of your relationship, it is important to get support from family, friends, colleagues and/or a bereavement specialist. Do not use your partner as the only form of support.

Identify what you most need and want from your partner and gently ask them for this. It may be that you need a hug, a distraction or break from the normal daily routine. Perhaps it is the understanding that your grief may take more time than that of your partner.

Create time to speak about how you feel, using “I” language. Talk about what you are feeling and going through. While speaking about how you feel is important to keep the communication flowing – speaking about it all the time will lead to disconnection.

Keep these four destructors out of your relationship:

Criticism

Blame

Defensiveness

Shut-down or passive aggressive behaviour

Accept that you will be triggered by life in general and specific situations involving babies, pregnancy and the occasions or celebrations around them. A close friend of mine was unable to accept any invitations to baby showers after her miscarriage. Feelings of jealousy and sadness consumed her until she eventually conceived again. Feelings of loss and sadness may be amplified as birth date approaches.

Itmight also help to speak to other parents who’ve experienced the pain of miscarriage. There are many groups, sites and forums where you can connect to them.

Grow in love and work on your relationship. This is a good time to discover more about one another in relationship to loss. Ask your partner how loss was dealt with in his family? Tell him how your family handled loss.

If you feel like a barrier has come between the two of you, consult a relationship specialist who can facilitate the process of building the bond of safety, trust and love.

A miscarriage will define and refine your relationship, but most importantly, you have the power and the choice to let it influence your life in a positive and supportive way.

As a relationship coach I help singles who are at different stages of their journey. Many of my clients come to me at the end of a relationship, when they are stuck in the desperate “why has this happened to me?” cycle. They need to get over an Ex.

Getting over someone is never easy. You were in the relationship because you valued something or many things about it. If it ended unexpectedly, this is even harder. The objective is to get over your ex and to heal your heart as soon as possible in order to find someone who is a far better match.

Unfortunately I am not able to wave my wand to take the pain away instantly. Healing takes time and is a unique process for each individual. This confusing state of sadness and pain is tough, and only you can decide how long you are going to stay in this state, and when you have had enough. This will happen when you need to get into a place where your happiness and sense of comfort are greater than your pain and grief.

It is not always possible to get closure on a relationship when it ends, especially if an ex cuts the contact. You will need to find this closure yourself, and I would like to give you three tips that will help.

1. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

It is vital to stop believing that the past was better than the present. When a relationship ends we tend to let the fantasy about the past lead us believe that everything was happier, better, more fun, and without it we are nothing.

Looking back it is clear to see that your relationships that ended probably had a great beginning. There was the “stuff” that happened in the middle, and then there was “the end”. If you look at it objectively and honestly, you will notice that it wasn’t always a bed of roses. Stop talking about the past as if it was.

2. SOME RELATIONSHIPS AREN’T MEANT TO LAST FOREVER

Unfortunately some relationships do not have what it takes to go the distance.

Not always forever

The fundamental thing to understand is that you learn so much about yourself from every relationship. There are always good and bad memories. Everything you experienced was valuable. It could be that you have learnt what work you still need to do on yourself. Perhaps you are more aware of your insecurities or aspects of communication that need more work. You may have discovered what you really do not want, and what you really do want in a future relationship.

Knowing that there is a purpose to every relationship is the first step to this awareness. As we become more introspective and dig deeper, this is clear to see. When it becomes clearer, you will feel more grateful for the time you had together and everything you learned about yourself. As you do this it’s easier to get out of the pain cycle.

If the relationship really was the right one, it wouldn’t have ended. One important fact I have learnt over the years of working with hundreds of clients is that there is ALWAYS another opportunity to find love again, and you will end up with someone who much better suited to you. I have seen this happen time and time again, and I have proven it in my own life when my relationships have ended.

Believe and trust that where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be.

3. SPEND TIME HEALING AND NURTURING YOURSELF

The grieving process is not for the faint-hearted and requires you to be gentle with yourself as you heal your heart again. This is the time to nurture your body, mind and soul. Make sure you are feeding your body and giving it the nutrients it needs at this stressful time.

Take time out

Take care of yourself and to put your energy into what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Get involved in activities and focus on being present to stop the ever-circling thoughts in your head. Accept invitations to go out with friends who raise the bar in your life and who make you feel supported and loved.

Do not be tempted to rush out into the dating world again. It is possible that if you do this before you are ready that you will end up comparing your ex to everyone you date. You will know you are ready for a new relationship when you wake up loving your life and the space you are in.

Take the time now to do some soul-searching and find the part of yourself who is comfortable with being on your own.

http://www.shelleyjwhitehead.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/shelley-j.whitehead.jpg10241024Shelleyhttp://shelleyjwhitehead.com.gridhosted.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/SJW_Logo_RGB.pngShelley2017-04-27 14:20:192017-07-31 08:05:09How To Get Over Your Ex

A few days ago, Caroline contacted me on Facebook with a huge dilemma. She has been dating her boyfriend Max for six months and although they have an enjoyable time together, her gut feeling was that he isn’t “the one”. When she has suggested that they take a break, he always convinced her otherwise.

She enjoys the things they do together and there is great chemistry in their relationship, however there are a number of red flags for her; he reacts very jealously whenever she speaks to anther man., he consumes more alcohol than she is comfortable with and she doesn’t feel prioritised in his life.

Caroline was looking for more clarity about her feelings as she feared making a mistake, either by staying in a relationship that wasn’t beneficial for her or leaving a relationship that was possibly worth keeping.

CONSIDER THIS
The one thing I am certain of after being in relationships myself, dating and coaching the many who have passed through my practice, is that it is vital to always listen to your gut feeling. It’s generally when we don’t listen to our gut or intuition that we make the emotionally and financially costly decisions in a relationship.

Many women, for whatever the reasons, stay in a relationship that is not right. It could be fear of being alone, fear of the financial uncertainty or hanging onto a relationship because there is great chemistry and very little else.

A deeper and long lasting relationship needs much more than chemistry to sustain it. You need to share the same values. Compatible values determine sustainability in a relationship.
You need a deeper connection to be part of the firm foundation to take you into a future together. Connection means that you feel safe in your relationship, knowing you can trust your partner, a sense of belonging and finally you know your partner has your back and you have his back.

How you communicate, and work through issues is another one of the keys to relationship success.

As I stated earlier, listening to your intuition – that gut feeling, is probably your best compass in navigating the path of going into a future with someone, or not.

Here are my top reasons to terminate a relationship:

THREE REASONS TO END YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

1.

The challenges and obstacles you encounter far outweigh the fun. We want to experience fun in our relationships and if it’s hard work all the time we begin to dread being together. Dating a man in a new relationship shouldn’t be difficult. If it is, it’s time to end it.

2.

You have different values and want different things from life. If you are into wheatgrass and he’s into cocaine, you clearly have different values. If you are want different things in life, it’s time to end it.

3.

There is nothing to look forward to. The relationship is not growing and you are merely existing in a space but not sharing. Your partner is not open to getting help to work with you to grow the relationship or blames you for this – it’s time to end it.

BE BRAVE:

It takes courage to step out of a relationship that isn’t right into the uncertainty of being single. After clearing your space you will be ready to attract in the wonderful partner who will make your life sparkle
I encourage you to be brave and strong enough to walk away if you are experiencing the above three reasons and find the delight with another partner who is better suited to you.

When you love yourself more, you do not settle for less than you deserve.

http://www.shelleyjwhitehead.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/When-To-End-a-Relationship.jpg16722508Shelley Whiteheadhttp://shelleyjwhitehead.com.gridhosted.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/SJW_Logo_RGB.pngShelley Whitehead2015-12-02 18:15:472017-04-27 13:33:38WHEN TO END A RELATIONSHIP

A lazy Sunday morning – my house is very quiet. My son is away for the weekend, no mess, no noise – oh yes, I love the fact that my student son lives at home – and I also love the solitude and the reflective time I can enjoy when no-one is around. I slept in this morning, a rare treat. The torrential downpours made dog walking impossible. In fact the dogs took to their beds in disgust so I have decided to indulge even more and spent the entire morning cuddled up in my duvet reading a great book. I love my life. But I haven’t always been in this happy place.

When I finally surfaced and came downstairs to make a late lunch I popped the radio on. The words “I have nothing if I don’t have you” being sung by the late Whitney Houston, struck a cord that belonged to my old life.

The life where I thought I would die when my partner walked out of the door. I was left feeling directionless, hopeless, locked in pain and disassociated from everyone and everything around me.

I was fortunate enough to know that if I did something about my circumstances, I would survive and eventually thrive. So I used all the resources I had available to turn my life around from thinking that if I didn’t have my partner, I didn’t have anything.

It was a journey of intense healing to come back to the one truth that matters most in life – a truth that we often only learn when going through the fire. I would volunteer to go through this yet again to get the lesson.

The truth is that YOU DO HAVE EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOU!

Who you are is enough and you are worthy of great love. This is the belief that underpins the foundation of a successful and happy life.

The reality is that most of us were doing really well before we met our partners. Needing a partner is very different to wanting to share your life with someone.

Neediness comes from lack, from not feeling whole, from not living life in your fullness.

When you are in the state of neediness it is because you believe you are not getting the love you want from someone. The reality is that your partner was only a mirror for that love because it flows inside of you and through you. The best place to be in, to give and receive a great love, is to be ok without it. You want to love your life regardless of whether you have a partner or not.

It’s about coming back to ourselves and living an authentic life we love. It is really about finding our passion and purpose. With or without a partner – loving life and what we do shouldn’t be any different. Yes, I know that it’s wonderful to share that closeness and intimacy, to have someone who has your back, a partner you can depend on and cuddle up to at 2am when the thought monsters decide to creep in, but it certainly isn’t a necessity to live a purposeful, rich and rewarding life.

Do you know what makes you most attractive to another? It’s when you are authentic, you love your life, you are confident, and you can connect emotionally.

In getting over my heartache and the idea that I had lost everything, I successfully used my own programme that I developed to help my clients heal their broken hearts – and I would like to share these four steps with you:

Clearing:

Clearing your space, body and mind. Getting rid of the items that were part of your connection. Putting away the photographs, clearing bedside tables and cupboards. Perhaps blocking your partner on social media forums – not out of malice and spite, but to aid the clearing part of the process so you can focus on you and are not tempted to spy or stalk an ex on Facebook

Exorcising:

Getting rid of the beliefs and behaviour that have not served you in the past and that are certainly not serving you now.

It is important to take the first step to healing your broken heart by developing a new belief. This belief is what will underpin the work you start to do. “I have everything because I have me. I am worthy of great love and joy”, is a superb new belief to fortify your foundation.

Living the Dream:

Finding your passion and purpose again as you start to embrace a life you love – doing more of what makes you feel good. Feeling confident.

Practical Magic:

The tips and suggestions to how to find love again. How to approach the world of dating: The do’s and don’ts of connection. How to show up as your exceptional self.

Should you find yourself in a place where you feel you have nothing or if you know someone in distress after the ending of a relationship, here are a few practical tips for coping with each day:

Find a professional coach or therapist to support you through the process of rebuilding again.

Stay close to your family and friends for support.

Get up and get dressed each day. Read and/or listen to something inspirational and motivating. Google / YouTube.

Exercise! Yoga and walking are excellent for clarity and releasing endorphins

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