Friday, October 22, 2010

:: Victory ::

This post was largely inspired by a very wonderfulmamma and fellow blogger who, sadly, lives a province (and an ocean) away but who's blog I read regularly and enjoy.

She shared very openly a few weeks ago about her struggle with PPD (postpartum depression).

She stepped out and got real.

She empowered me and now I want to get real too.

Confession: I was petrified to have Paisley.

I was overjoyed when I found out we were pregnant.

I lived in every moment of my pregnancy and welcomed each kick, punch and bout of hiccups.

I embraced the life in me and celebrated it.

But behind and underneath all of that was a genuine and deep-rooted fear.

Not of labour or pain or delivery or of something going wrong, but of the moment when everyone goes home and I've got a newborn to take care of. Every time I would think about it, my stomach would turn and twist itself into an unfixable knot and I'd be on the verge of being sick.

There were times that I truly believed I wouldn't survive another day after Denay was born, and since that was all I knew, that's what I was bracing myself for when the next one came along. That, coupled with knowing I'd have Denay to take care of on top of dealing with a baby, haunted me for most of my pregnancy, stealing my joy.

I read a book in the summer on a Godly perspective of pregnancy and childbirth that challenged me to take hold of the power of Jesus Christ within me and pray with great expectation.

So I started claiminghealth over my pregnancy, peace over my body and mind and a restful and easy postpartum period.

But truth be told, I doubted.

I was able to trust that the baby would be healthy, that the delivery would be safe but not matter how much I prayed and wanted to believe, I couldn't help but doubt that my newborn experience would be any different.

I wanted to play it safe and be prepared this time, so I went in to see my doctor in early September to discuss medication options for PPD. She suggested I start taking them right away to give them a chance to be working when the baby came. I decided to wait. We were going to do everything we could to rest well and hunker down and hopefully recover better this time. But deep down I had settled with the idea that I was going to need them.

But my God, is way bigger.

Last night I gave Denay the prescription that was still stuck on my fridge, and asked her to rip it up for me.

I had prayed and begged and claimed freedom and victory over depression.....and completely outside of my strength, God gave me victory.

This is simply a post to give God all the glory. To say that I am weak and He is strong.

This is a post to shed light on the seldom talked about issue of PPD.

I know that God uses medicine and doctors to bring resolve and healing, as I have needed that before. And I know that He answered my prayers for a baby that would be restful and peaceful so that we may have rest.

I know that He is a good God, that, despite how I may feel sometimes, is always with me and will never forsake me.

7 comments:

Christy, your story of faith has brought me to tears. Praise God for what He has done for you, and good for you for claiming His promises over your life! I'm so happy for you, that this experience with Paisley has been positive and that you are enjoying these precious newborn days. They sure do fly by and it's such a blessing when we get to cherish and enjoy every moment! I admire you for speaking out against a tough topic that isn't often discussed, like you said. But us women and sisters need to be there for one another and walk alongside each other in good and bad times! I appreciate your openness. You are a wonderful wife, mother and woman!

I love so much how even though you still doubted you kept praying and trusting the lord to bless you even in your doubt; I think that is huge and speaks so much of what a great and merciful God we serve. So glad you hear you are adjusting well...not meaning every moment is perfect but you are rising above!

In all honesty, I hate that I went on medication. I feel weak as a mother & Christian - I don't know why I am so judgemental and hard on myself - maybe it's all part of my struggle. *sigh* There is probably a whole blog post waiting to be written on THAT subject!

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!Thanks for sharing your heart AND YOUR FAITH with all of us. I have tears streaming down my face as I read your post.PDP is very hard to talk about and not many people share their experiences with it...I had a mild case of it with my firstborn so I know that all too well.God is so good. He is bigger than we are and He hears our prayers. Thank-you Lord!

I am a farm girl by birth, a small town girl by choice and a lover of all things loveable - my Heavenly Father, my amazing husband, a super cute four-year-old girl and her unchable two-year-old sister, reading, blogging and scrapbooking, Frank Sinatra and Country music, a good comfy hoodie, and all things summertime.
I am a SAHM and Domestic Engineer. This, is my life.