Monday, November 26, 2012

The Miami Beach House Boobs Built

YOUR
MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, Your Mama and Sister Woman (and clan)
drove out to Big Daddy's ranch the other day morning in the goddamn
middle of nowhere where not only isn't there any available WiFi service but there isn't, believe it or not, any internet service at all. We thought about popping into Tinyville to see if we could scare up some WiFi
at the dinky diner but we got distracted by a Christmas tree
catastrophe—don't ask—and before we knew it it was time to head back to
civilization...

Anyhoo, on Thanksgiving, before we left for Big Daddy's, in a glorious haze of tryptophans and gin, we received a covert communique from Betty Butterball who let us know that Dr. Lenny and Lisa Hochstein have their Miami Beach, FL mansion on the market with an asking price of $10,750,000.

Missus Hochstein,
in case her name does not ring your celebrity bells, is a former nude
model who appears in all her plasticine glory on the second (and
current) season of The Real Housewives of Miami and Doctor Hochstein
is a well known and highly successful Miami-based plastic surgeon who
specializes in facial rejuvenation and boob jobs. Presumably it's Doctor
H. who's responsible for Missus H.'s super-sized and very unnatural
looking bazooms.

Turns out the Moscow born and New Jersey raised plastic surgeon and the substantially younger and balloon chested former Playboy model
have had their house on the market since March 2011—when it was listed with an asking price
of $10,750,000—and a few minutes on the interweb tells us we are hardly the first property gossip to discuss
the waterfront mini-estate that's located on the northern shore of the
northernmost isle of the swank and pricey four-island Sunset Island neighborhood located in the Biscayne
Bay just north of South Beach.

Property records show Doctor Hochstein, along another man and woman with the same Hochstein
surname, first purchased the property in April 2005 for $4,350,000.
They proceeded to custom-build the existing mock-Med manse they dubbed Palacio del Eden and sometime in 2007, right about the time the house was completed, Doctor Hochstein bought out his same-surnamed partners and became the sole owner of the palatial abode where the nipped, tucked and Botoxed couple married in October 2009.*

Current
listing information and property records show the essentially
symmetrical and decidedly showy domicile sits tightly on just over half a
landscaped acre and has five bedrooms and five full and three half
bathrooms in 9,944 square feet of gaudy interiors dressed to
impress with elaborate frescoed ceilings, intricate vine-like wrought
iron railings, solid marble columns and archways, heavy carved wood
furniture and cabinetry by the boat load, damask wall coverings and
dozens upon dozens of arched windows and French doors.

The meretricious manse was prominently featured on the second season of The Real Housewives of Miami
and was the scene of a couple of spectacular and downright tawdry cat
fights during which one sassy queen pushed another mouthy queen into the
swimming pool and one "housewife" smacked another across the face.
There is, of course, absolutely nothing redeeming in behavior like that
but ain't none of y'all will convince Your Mama that was not high-larious to watch
a bunch of rich and "rich" people who claim to be high brow members of
Miami's affluent social circuit screeching like drunken banshees and
acting like wild eyed trailer trash.

Anyhoo,
a gated driveway paved with herringbone pattern brick passes between
two detached two-car garages and into a central motor where a pair of
towering palms stand on either side of the main entrance. For reasons
Your Mama can not fathom or recommend, there are dense thickets of
potted plants placed under the twin floating staircases in the
gilt-trimmed double-height foyer. Overhead there's a 14-foot diameter
stained glass dome that back lit for maximum architectural (melo)drama.

Ample
public spaces for large scale entertaining surround and open to a
piazza-sized central courtyard and include formal living and dining
rooms and a billiards room fitted with a heavy carved wood built-in
buffet and display cabinet, a frescoed groin vaulted ceiling and an unapologetically lurid red and gold brocade sofa that sends shivers up and down Your Mama's delicate decorative spine.

Less
formal spaces include a colossal center island kitchen with a soaring
barrel vaulted brick ceiling, unnecessarily florid carved wood cabinetry
and an adjacent family room that opens through a series of arched
french doors to a deep loggia and back yard. The lack of decorative
restraint reaches its apex, perhaps, in the thirteen seat gold and blood
red home theater. Beyond the oppressively—ahem— sumptuous day-core, who
puts puts thirteen seats in a home theater? We don't know who cleans
the Hochstein's humongous house but Your Mama and The Dr. Cooter's deeply superstitious house gurl Svetlana
would have a violent and destructive conniption if we so much as asked
her to step into let along tidy up a room with thirteen of anything.
Other necessities of the luxe life include a wine cellar and a home fitness room.

The
second floor water-side master suite is certainly sizable but who could
sleep peacefully in a room that garish? Plus, Your Mama knows it gets
hot and icky humid in Miami in the summertime but, still, why didn't
anyone think to purchase a rug to cover up the acre of tile flooring in
there? And the big ol' master bathroom, well, let's just say a bathroom
that decoratively vulgar binds Your Mama right up.

The courtyard and the back of the house open to a mostly stone-tiled waterside back yard where there's a massive, Versace-style
mosaic tiled negative edge swimming pool and an open air poolside
cabana with built-in barbecue and crapper that means no one needs to
traipse through the house soaking wet from a dip in the pool. A row of
palm trees along the 100-plus feet of bulk headed shore line where
there's a private dock and boat lift.

Although they can probably afford to carry both mansions indefinitely, Doctor and Missus H. have soe
incentive to sell their Sunset Island mansion since they've already
acquired their next home on Miami Beach's notoriously affluent and star
studded Star Island where some of the high profile residents and
homeowners include Gloria Estefan, Rosie O'Donnell and Sean "Diddle Daddle" Combs—or whatever silly name he goes by now—along with a slew of real estate moguls and big business barons who include Vladislav Doronin, otherwise known as the beefcakey Russian billionaire man-friend of sometimes volatile supermodel Naomi Campbell.

The
one-plus acre, wedge-shaped spread has, according to various online
resources, 205 feet of Biscayne Bay frontage, a somewhat run-down 1920s
three story Spanish Colonial style main mansion with 8,117 square foot
plus three additional guest/staff residences for a total of eight
bedrooms and seven full and three half bathrooms.

*Other than her mammoth mammaries that are quite
obviously surgically enhanced we really have no idea what if any other
surgical or injectable alterations may or may not have been undertaken
by Missus and/or Mister Hochstein.

Wonder if their new house still has the glass elevator that Michelle Pfeifer rode in? Ahhh and the drink cart by the pool. But seriously, 10 million?? GOOD luck! Tony Montana had class, compared to whomever decorated that mess.

Anonymous 11:50 a.m., undersized chandeliers result when decorating offenders disregard the Rabbi's iron clad rule: a chandelier absolutely, positively must measure twice the diameter in inches as its room measures in feet. The engaged kinder needs only to glance at the master bedroom photo to understand the tragic ramifications of scoffing the Rabbi's divinely-inspired wisdom.

This house is the bomb! Twin staircases, red and gold daycore everywhere and chandeliers in the bathrooms. Mama, please confirm that there are a walk-in humidor, a poker-playing room and twin mancaves for Rodney and me!

This house skeered the fried banana sandwiches out of me. I ain't seen nothing this tacky and done clean over-the-tippy-top in my earthly life or this one. The "klassy" folks make fun of my Graceland? They need to hightail it over to this joint and take a look before they judge my place!

Well, I got to get back to MY mamma as we all gettin' ready for Christmas. Heaven ain't got Wal-Marts so I had to come back to do some shoppin'. BTW, you seen the size of the new Cadillac? I died just in time. Can you imagine "The King" givin' away itty-bitty ATS's?