So, long story short, I was dumped about 6 months ago, and I am still hung up over it. Enough that I know that I am unable to react like a reasonable adult with my exBF. As soon as I realized this, (about 5 months ago) I requested that he avoid my presence and not speak to me anymore. So far this has worked out quite well, and I have started d@ting someone else (New Fella).

There is an upcoming debut concert for a good friend, who is also friends with exBF and New Fella. Both exBF and New Fella are going to this show. I was also planning on going, to support my good friend.

But I am torn. What do I do if exBF approaches me? The Cut Direct? That would be so awkward. What if New Fella walks over to a group of my friends, and exBF is part of that group? Ugh. I am pretty sure I would make a fool of myself by saying something horrible and immature. Do I not engage in any PDAs because exBF will be there? Does anyone have any advice? Am I totally overthinking this?

Firstly, take a relaxing breath or three. Next, talk to New Fella about this, and discuss what you'll need not to make a scene. If he's aware, he's less likely to cause inadvertent dismay (like by approaching a group that includes your ExBF). Ask him to run interference, and if you're cornered in a situation (or if ExBF approaches you directly), simply say that you don't wish to discuss it (no matter how much you do wish to discuss it) and leave the vicinity. With New Fella to help out, you should be able to enjoy the show without blowing up.

As to PDAs, you don't need to avoid appropriate PDAs but don't do anything that you wouldn't do if ExBF wasn't there, just because he is.

It kind of sounds like you're not yet ready to be dating other people...at least not seriously, and now that I think about it you never said New Fella was a serious thing, so that may be a bad way to start.

I do think you recongnize that it is time to move on and that will be impossible if you let yourself get so worked up...even to the point where you ask your ex to avoid you.

If your ex approaches you and New Fella, then say hello, introduce them and tell him that you hope he enjoys the show.

If New Fella approaches your ex and his friends...same thing. And as far as PDA goes, do whatever is appropriate for the venue and normal for you and New Fella and don't worry about your ex.

In other words, act normally and everything will be fine. And yes, you are overthinking this. Once you get through this evening with your ex and New Fella, it will be easier on you if/when you run into him in the future. It's an important healing step, so that's the good news

I think you need to just bow out of this event. Not even so much so you don't make a scene, but so you don't hurt NF's feelings - you reacting strongly to exBF while out with NF will surely make him feel about 1/2 an inch high.

If you do go, I would say hold your head high, engage in as much PDA as you would normally with NF an d wear a rubber band around your wrist (2 if you'll be tempted to use it in your hair!) If you find yourself near exBF graciously excuse yourself to the restroom, or the concession stand, or the t-shirt booth - basically get outta dodge! And if you find yourself stuck for any amount of time near him, start snapping that rubberband and remember any nasty comments you make will hurt you [socially] in the long run and associate that pain on your wrist with that thought. And then only allow yourself to stop physically hurting yourself (the rubberband) once you are ready to not socially hurt yourself (making a scene).

If you do go, also have a few discreet chats with some mutual friends who will also be there in advance so they can help you with your damage control - if they see you approaching distress they can say "oh I have to go to the restroom - come with me!" and have them drag you away.

Firstly, take a relaxing breath or three. Next, talk to New Fella about this, and discuss what you'll need not to make a scene. If he's aware, he's less likely to cause inadvertent dismay (like by approaching a group that includes your ExBF). Ask him to run interference, and if you're cornered in a situation (or if ExBF approaches you directly), simply say that you don't wish to discuss it (no matter how much you do wish to discuss it) and leave the vicinity. With New Fella to help out, you should be able to enjoy the show without blowing up.

As to PDAs, you don't need to avoid appropriate PDAs but don't do anything that you wouldn't do if ExBF wasn't there, just because he is.

Virg

You know, I thought about this too, but if I was in New Fella's postition, I would be uncomfortable running interference for my date's ex. That's a big way to communicate that she's not over him (which is true) and would make me feel awkward and second-rate. If she needs to enlist her date's help to not make a scene with her ex, then maybe it's not a good idea for her to be dating this guy just yet.

I don't think you need to avoid PDA with New Fella as long as you don't overdo it, but for all else, I'd be coolly polite to ExBF. Act like you're not interested in him or what he does or thinks. This doesn't mean the Cut Direct, but don't engage him in conversation beyond "Hello" and just bean-dip any questions you don't want to answer.

Logged

I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.

I think the only thing you are obligated too if he does happen to aknowledge you is a cold "Hello EXBF. I hope you are well." and then politely excuse yourself. Do NOT allow yourself to get so emotional that you cause a scene. That only reflects badly on you.

(I am going to be blunt here) If you can't handle even that, then it would just be better for everyone if you didn't go at all. It doesn't matter how it ended. The responsiblity of how you conduct yourself around him is all yours and the onus is on you to be mature and polite, even if coldly distant. You are an ehellion. Surely you can muster the class to stand him for one night for the sake of your friend right?

Frankly though, if your ExBF can still effect you so much that it makes you that emotionally immature, then I don't know if you should even be dating new fella. You can't start a new relationship until you are over the first and you are admittedly not over the first one yet. And I can't imagine how it would make him feel to see you all hung up on your ExBF like that. But, since this is an ettiquette forum and not a relationship forum, I will leave it at that.

Remember the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If you can act like he is nothing more than a mere acquaintance he will start to realize you are over him. Doing anything else gives him power over you. Do not give it to him. Not fair to you or to new fella.

Remember the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If you can act like he is nothing more than a mere acquaintance he will start to realize you are over him. Doing anything else gives him power over you. Do not give it to him. Not fair to you or to new fella.

Very wise words.

I do hope you go and take MadMadge's words to heart . . . maybe this will be a stepping stone for you.

If ex is still running in the same circles as you, you won't be able to avoid him forever.

Not going only gives him control over your life. You will be missing the debut of your friend . . . what does that say about your friendship? Avoiding ex is more important than her debut?

You've cried yourself a river, now build a bridge and get over it.

(Hope that didn't sound snarky -- how's this one instead? Put your big-girl panties on! ) Enjoy your evening with your friends and NewFella! Smile and say your "How do you do's" to ex and let him know he's water under the bridge. (eta: not by your words, but by your very polite actions.)

Thank you all for the advice, and for the much-needed kick in the pants.

Things with New Fella are not serious; it is just dating. It may end up becoming serious, though, so building a bridge and getting over it is definitely something that I need to do. (I love that saying—I had never heard it before!)

I think I will go, and just avoid when possible and if necessary be coolly polite. (I don't think I could manage coldness, and it would be really awkward coming from me anyway.) I will fake indifference until it is there for real.

Another thing you could do is write a long, angry letter about all that Old BF has done to wrong you. Then set it on fire. But you will have gotten all your anger out! Then when you see him in person you don't have to worry about saying something rude to him, you already will have done that virtually.

The concert was lots of fun even though the venue was a lot smaller (and hotter!) than I anticipated... so I couldn't just disappear into the crowd. It actually is kind of funny, I was chatting with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, when exBF poked me to get my attention (which I really hate), saying he felt awkward so he wanted to say hi. I pleasantly said hi back and then was distracted by my friend shouting something to regain my attention.