Articles tagged with: bigfoot

My butler Ivan has just reported back, he;d seen a Bigfoot in the back yard! This is bad news indeed.

In case you didn’t know, Bigfoot often works with the Illuminati as an assassin for hire, so seeing one in the farm means only one thing.

He is here to do me in, in the preferred Bigfoot manner by twisting my head off like a cap on a Bud Lite bottle.

Fortunately I know Bigfoot’s cousin, Mr Yeti,through my days spent in 10K dollars a day rejuvenation clinics run by theosopic monks high in the Himalayas.

Bigfoot has a lot of time for his cousin so he's agreed to a payoff of 200K USD. Luckily I was about to build a model of Olney’s town hall made entirely of Napoleon Brandy soaked 100 dollar bills so I have the cash to hand. I gave him it in two wal mart bags and told him to use the money to get his hair cut (he was sporting a Hitler mullet)

But the Illumniati must know I’m here so I’m packing my bags (well, Ivan is) and moving on to a safe house. Anyone who offers me shelter will be well rewarded!!

Give It Away

I am a multi-billionaire double EuroBillions lottery winner, successful software engineer and hedge fund manager who is giving away his fortune. My money has brought me nothing but misery and now I want to get rid of it. HELP! STOP PRESS - After rejecting an offer to join the Secret Rulers of the Universe I am currently on the run with a dolphin called Chris attached to my back.

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One of the best things about being a fugitive, living life in the shadows and being constantly on the move for fear of capture is that it's a great excuse to buy some gadgets. To defeat the Illuminati, we are going to need the right equipment and proper timekeeping is essential. We don't like to stay in the same place for more than 24 hours, and with this top of the range, Breitling Emergency watch it's easy to work out when precisely 23 hours and 55 mins have passed, and it's time to move. I went for the black titanium “Night Mission” version featuring an anti-glare stealth-type look designed for the riskiest operations. Chris chose the Black Titanium, gem-set case and bezel in Green mother-of-pearl. Unfortunately, it fell off his flipper when we left the shop and triggered the tracking beacon, and we had to leg it. I'm pretty confident that our enemies are monitoring all frequencies for clues to our location and so before we ran I threw it inside a McDonald's restaurant and shouted 'catch'. It was bloody chaos and quite amusing to see the ragtag band of dishevelled diners scratching each other's eyes out trying to grab the shiny trinket. If only they knew that securing the prize would result in the full force of the Illuminati crashing down on their heads. Poor fools.
#breitling#billionaires#millionaire#loaded#rich#begformoney#richman#money#minted#wealthy#flush#madeofmoney#rollinginit#luxury#luxurybrands#millionaire#billionaire#illuminati#fugitive

Bloody Illuminati! Everywhere I go. Out shopping for some luxury bed linen this morning and spot these Eye of Providence cushions watching me. I just can’t escape them. This is in Marks & Spencer for Christ’s sake! Not even M&S is safe - I only come in here because the snacks are so nice. Everything else is dirt cheap.
I hate January. It’s certainly the worst month for billionaires and I feel more miserable than ever at the moment. I know for many of you the first month of the year can also be a testing time. You’ve probably maxed out all 19 of your credit cards buying nasty little plastic trinkets over Christmas and the bills are piling up. If I get annoying bills at this time of year I usually just buy the company and put a stop to them.
The main reason I loathe the ‘Happy New Year’ is that the January sales are on and so I have to buy way more than I need if I’m going to keep my bank balance in check. It doesn’t matter how much I spend though, it keeps on rising. It’s those 'three for two' offers that drive me mad. I regularly buy two of everything as a matter of course, one for me to use up and discard and one for my Museum of Purchases. I’m planning a vast exhibition of everything I’ve ever bought that one day after I’m dead I plan to open to the public.
At this time of year find myself constantly arguing with people at the checkout - NO NO NO! I don’t want three I just want two. The last thing I need is free stuff. BOGOF I shout. LOL! I know that means ‘buy one get one free’ not ‘buy two get one free but it still amuses my butler, Ivan, and so I keep saying it.
If you’d like some cushions Marks & Spencer do have plenty of options available. Just visit their store at http://www.marksandspencer.com - there are even some without Illuminati branding.
#billionaires#millionaire#loaded#rich#begformoney#richman#money#minted#wealthy#flush#madeofmoney#rollinginit#luxury#luxurybrands#millionaire#billionaire#tax#marksandspencer@marksandspencer#Illuminati#EyeofProvidence#cushions

You may be wondering where I’ve been the last three months. Like many multi-billionaires, I invested heavily in cryogenic freezing technology when I first became filthy rich. It made sense at the time, the logic being that it would be impossible to spend my vast wealth in one lifetime and so I’d need maybe 10 or even 20 lifetimes to get the most out of it. Now, of course, it’s possible to grow new body parts as you need them in one of your laboratories hidden in the desert and so cryo-preservation has fallen out of fashion with the elite classes. If I have a cold or flu-like symptoms now, I just grow myself a new nose and I’m good to go.
I still have all my cryonics gear lying around at home and it always seemed a bit silly to wait until death to be frozen. I always worried I’d be revived and still be dead. Instead, I got into the habit of freezing myself for a few months at a time whenever I needed a break. Of course, that was before my fortune made me miserable and now I mainly use it as a kind of escape. Whenever things get too much for me and the misery, despair, pain and my fat bank balance get me down, I pop myself in the freezer for 2 or 3 months of oblivion.
After 3 months, nicely tucked up in my chamber, Ivan hit the rapid defrost button this morning - just in time for the festive season! Happy Christmas you poor little poverty-stricken wretches - Barry is back
#billionaires#millionaire#loaded#rich#begformoney#richman#money#minted#wealthy#flush#madeofmoney#rollinginit#luxury#luxurybrands#millionaire#billionaire#cryogenics#frozen#shopping#cold#christmas#mincepies.

Nightmare! ALL my televisions in ALL my properties are stuck on Sky News HD and I’ve had enough - far too many adverts during the rolling news and I fancy a bit of Downton. My standard practice is to buy identical TVs for all my properties and then chuck away the remote controls apart from one. I carry this ‘master remote’ around with me so when I arrive at a new place I’m not scrambling around looking for it - it’s just there in my pocket. Problem is, I’ve just arrived back in London and I must have dropped the change-er-over-er as I jumped out of my helicopter leaving me with no choice but to order new televisions for all 75 of my homes.
Still, it’s a good opportunity to upgrade and so I ordered 75 Stuart Hughes Prestige HD Supreme Rose Edition sets - they are only $2.26 million each - I don’t even want to think about the cost for 75 but it must be around the $169.5 million mark. My best friend Ivan has just finished setting them up and then pointed out that I could have just ordered a new remote for the old televisions - talk about thinking outside the box! Shut it Ivan and fetch some snacks.
If you are too tight to buy a TV for $2.26 million when you can’t find the clicker then you could try Currys PC World http://www.currys.co.uk/gbuk/index.html @curryspcworld where a LOGIK L20HE15 20" LED TV is only £89.99 - don’t forget to order one for all your properties.
#billionaires#millionaire#loaded#rich#begformoney#richman#money#minted#wealthy#flush#madeofmoney#rollinginit#luxury#luxurybrands#millionaire#billionaire#curryspcworld#StuartHughes#shopping#TV#skynews#sky

There is an election happening soon here in the UK and so I decided to buy myself a pair of diamond encrusted swimming trunks. Unfortunately nobody has had the good sense to bring such an cool item to market yet and I was forced to get Ivan to make me a pair. Cost a bloody fortune as he kept losing half the diamonds and had to keep ordering more. They ended up costing well over $2million and the first time I went for a swim I sank to the bottom and nearly drowned. When I was rescued the bastard things had come off and disappeared out to sea - thank God I went through with that penis enlargement operation or it could have been embarrassing! Ivan said he’s going to add stronger elastic in the waistband for the new pair.
If you can’t afford to get your best friend in the whole world to spend hours making fancy swimwear then you could always settle for a pair of Diamond Burst Swim Trunks from Peter Millar - The Colourful diamond pattern against seafoam green adds a bit of whimsy to your days on the water. www.petermillar.com @petermillar only $85
#trunks#billionaires#millionaire#loaded#rich#begformoney#richman#money#minted#wealthy#flush#madeofmoney#rollinginit#luxury#luxurybrands#millionaire#billionaire#lonely#swimming#diamonds#swimwear#luxuryswimwear

Got a new Rolls Royce Sweptail @rollsroycecars on order. It’s a snip at 13 million USD and has a sweeping glass roof so people flying overhead can see how rich I am.
But I felt a bit guilty about blowing the cash so decided to be a good citizen and give something back to the world— by having a inspirational message emblazoned on the side. I paid a top London design agency 10K USD to do a mock up design and the pic is above. Looks great doesn’t it?
If you haven’t got a spare 13 million USD like me why not try a Citroen @citroen C3 only 13K GBP and comes with a glass roof. You’ll have to do the inspirational message yourself though. I suggest @halfords for cheap spray paint
#rollsroyce#inspirational#luxurylifestyle#luxuryliving#givingaway#billionaire#millionaires#citroen#luxuryliving#blessed

I read with sadness about @tigerwoods run in with the police. I know from bitter experience money can’t buy you happiness so my thoughts are with you…
I’m a massive fan of golf and get a game in whenever I can. Last night I was playing a small course in Scotland , St Andrews with my good friend Sir Alec Guinness when I realized my Odyssey @odysseygolf putter was missing. It only costs 150K USD but it’s ruby and diamond encrusted head really helps me sink those tricky putts, something about the balance of the precious gems I reckon.
Sir Alec offered to lend me his Ping putter for the round but that’s bad form. instead I asked the caddy if he he minded if I use him as a putter, he didn’t and I made a few putts with the caddy’s tough old head! I tipped him a couple of thousand dollars for his efforts and we all went home happy. Except Sir Alec, ‘cos he lost.
If you’re not lucky enough to own a set of golf clubs that cost close to a million dollars why not try American Golf Discount @americangolf where you can pick up a more reasonably prized Odyssey putter for under 100GBP
#tigerwoods#golf#luxurylifestyle#luxuryliving#givingaway#americangolf#diamonds#florida#millionaire#scotland