4 Seemingly Obvious Red Flags in Relationships

2:05 PM

In dating, a little bit of anxiety can
be helpful. A lot of people are concerned about red flags they should look out
for while dating so that they don’t end of marrying a jerk. Who you marry is
the most important decision you will make in life and so you should be a bit
cautious. Before listing a few red flags, two points must be made. First: if
you are blinded by love, you won’t see any red flags. In another FAQ, we
discuss how you can navigate the dating process without losing your mind. That
is more critical than looking for specific red flags to avoid, because if truth
be known, it won’t matter what red flags are present if “love” has hijacked
your capacity to see and think clearly.

Second, there are very few absolute red
flags. What might be considered a red flag for one person may not be a red
flag for another. What I will list below are several attitudes or behaviors
that will make it difficult to establish a solid marriage if they are patterns in a person’s life. Any one of
us might fall into some of the attitudes or behaviors infrequently. What you
need to be looking for are patterns.

Okay, so assuming your mind is engaged
in the dating process, here are a few things to look out for:

Inconsistencies between what they say and do. I know this
sounds obvious, but these types of inconsistencies really reveal the strength
of one’s character.If you have any
concerns about one’s character, it’s time to slow down the relationship.

How they treat other people: parents, siblings, roommates,
friends, opposite sex, children, strangers, etc. Again, this isn’t rocket
science, but you would be surprised how many girls assume she is dating a
really nice guy because he treats her
well. Very few people treat their romantic partner poorly in the initial phases
of a relationship. Early in a relationship you will learn much more about a
person in observing how he or she treats other people than you. How your
partner treats other people will, over time, be more predictive of how he
treats you in the future.

A lack of DATMAKC. A lack of what? I got this acronym from a
colleague who teaches religion. It stands for Demonstrated Ability To Make and
Keep Covenants. In my opinion, this is the most important thing to look for in
a prospective spouse. Therefore, a lack of DATMAKC is a red flag and must be
taken seriously. How do you know if they have a demonstrated ability to make
and keep covenants? Pay attention to how they feel about and respond to the
promises they have made: commitments to you, school, friends, the Honor Code,
and obviously the Lord. We are not looking for perfection, but if you see a
lack of DATMAKC, I would think twice about pursuing the relationship.

How he or she uses their time, money, and choices. These
three elements: time, money, choices are the biggest indicators of what matters
most in our lives. Who or what we really worship is reflected most in what we
do with our time, money, and choices.

While this brief list is helpful, the
only way to get an accurate feel on who your partner really is and who they
will be as a spouse is to be thoughtful, thorough, and careful in your dating
relationships.

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About BYUiDo

Honestly, the dating culture is lame. More than lame, it’s dangerous. Do you realize there is a connection between your dating practices and the successful transition into marriage? Way too many newlyweds have significant struggles in large part because of their poor dating practices. In addition, too many women go through their entire college experience without being asked on a single date. Too many men never ask anyone out because of a paralyzing fear of rejection. Have we gotten to the point where we can say that enough is enough? If you feel this way, we have an invitation for you.

There are a lot of issues that complicate our dating culture. Over the course of the next few semesters, we are going to highlight these issues and propose ways to address them. We want to discuss your concerns, so send us your questions through our Facebook page. We hope you will begin to challenge some of the ineffective and unhealthy dating practices in your own life. We hope you will help and encourage those around you to do the same. Take a moment to read our first challenge: #justadate

Who We Are

Dr. Cole Ratcliffe has been studying principles of healthy relationships for many years. He received his B.S. in Marriage, Family, Human Development from Brigham Young University and his Masters and Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from Kansas State University.

Dr. Ratcliffe currently practices marriage and family therapy and specializes in working with couples on the brink of divorce. He also teaches in the Marriage and Family Studies program at Brigham Young University- Idaho.

Additionally, he heads a team of Certified Relationship Educators in sharing their knowledge with those who are interested in strengthening their relationships.

Madisen Busenbark, who is one of these certified relationship educators, oversees much of our social media accounts and is a significant contributor to byuido!

Our team here at BYU I Do recognizes that there are many people who seek strong, healthy relationships but simply don’t know how to achieve them. There are others who understand the “how” and get frustrated because it seems as though nobody else is on board. We are excited to join together in this common goal as we share research based education coupled with tips and tricks. We invite you to share what you learn, but more importantly… live it!

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About BYUiDo

Honestly, the dating culture at BYU-Idaho (and pretty much everywhere else in this country) is lame. More than lame, it's dangerous. Do you realize there is a connection between your dating practices and the successful transition into marriage? Take a moment to read our first challenge: #justadate