Thursday, July 07, 2005

Painting Cartoon Characters Like Real People: *BRRR!*

I just heard a very interesting radio program about the life of yet another murderer and child sodomizer working for the Catholic Church: Caravaggio. His works were the basis of the sado-masochist, Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ.

His works were gritty and realistic, and those chapels and churches that didn't condemn Caravaggio as a heretic saw them as good for the poor. You see, the dirty poor people were used to seeing prostitutes and disease: why not give it to them ? The works are undeniably brilliant. It's interesting to see the many portraits of Mary, Queen of Heaven, modeled by known prostitutes, or paintings of dirty street urchins, posed by his boy-lovers. It's like painting the Nativity of Christ with Paris Hilton, Tommy Lee and Mini Me.

Check out the biography of this violent, sexually depraved man. Perfect for the Church.

Christians: where the fuck have you been? This is true christian art. You lost your soul in the mid-1800's Victorian era, when christian art met sentimentalism. Ever since, it's been nothing but C.R.A.P. Where are the Caravaggios? Where are the Handels? All we have is Sandy Patty and pictures of Jesus wrapped in the American flag, playing hockey. Hummel killed you all. From Caravaggio to Precious Moments. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Caravaggio hated the church. He was villianized by it. He was a pragmatist though and knew that he needed Christian money so he could live the life he wanted. I don't think any of the Christians considered him one of them.

The story of Judith in his painting is a very empowering one for women (that's Caravaggio's image being beheaded).

The best version is Gentileschi's. Her Judith is staring right at her victim and isn't a bit squimesh about what she is doing (Gentileschi was raped shortly before she painted it and could not receive justice from the courts). Caravaggio's Judith is too dainty.

Hey punks, listen up. My good friend Maureen called up in tears the other day, and told me about the nasty bullshit you've been throwing at her. I don't mind reducing a grown man to a quivering ball of tears, but don't you dare mess with a nice Catholic girl like Maureen. Mo is sweet as a pussy-cat, and you little shits had to go and attack her faith and make fun of her wardrobe. She's a tough lady, but for some reason she thought that only I would have the strength to stand up to you bullies and show you for the little sissy worms that you are. I have years of experience in BDSM techniques and Catholic apologetics. I'm an ex-bishop, a proudly dominant leather man, and an even prouder Catholic servant. I'll teach you a catechism or two, and before you know it you'll be crying out in the agony and the ecstasy.

By the way, your Caravaggio painting makes me hotter than hell. Get your act together, and maybe we can exchange pics. I've got a whole collection of Bosch paintings that I wank to.

I hope you use some of those techniques on "Maureen." After all, your religion teaches that suffering is pleasure. Catholicism created BDSM. So don't pretend to threaten atheists. We believe in self-defense. We fight back. Maureen will ask for more, so pull those big white old-lady panties down and go to town. It will only send her to a higher level in hell.

I love it. The character "Maureen" calls me a slut and Osama Bin Laden, a Satan-worshipper, etc, and cries on the phone to the imaginary ex-Bishop Sadist, about how her wardrobe was made fun of. It's a great play-scenario, for a great imaginary business: the Leather Bishop and Church Lady Dominus-Dominatrix service. Make sure there's plenty of crosses and hot bloody naked Jesi on the wall, with scary-sounding Monk chanting going on in the background. Make sure the Spanish Inquisition shows up, because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

anyway, I'm tired of the Maureen game and I don't feel like playing it anymore. That doesn't mean I will stop talking about sex, but there has to be more interesting games to play. Dana Carvey already made up a better, Protestant character. His is way more convincing.