Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

Supernatural: A Song of LARP and Fairies

This episode is dedicated to the men, women, elves, demigods, magi, druids, and chamberpot servants who gave their lives fighting and winning for the Queen of Moons in the Battle of Kingdoms. Go bravely into the next world, fallen soldiers …

NOW

And the rock music plays! as the boys drive through the night. Sam is staring (in the dark) at photocopies of Kevin’s notes. He’s frustrated that they still can’t pull the trigger on the demon nuclear option. Dean suggests taking the night off. They’ve both had a rough go the past few weeks. He knows what Sam gave up wasn’t easy. Also, this episode aired on Dean’s birthday. He doesn’t like getting singled out at birthday parties, but maybe they could swing by a chain restaurant and get a free sundae. “See a flick. Hit a bar. Or two. Have some fun. You remember fun, don’t you Sammy?“ Do either of you? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER LAUGHTER? Before Sam can answer, Garth calls with a case. “Look, it’s bad enough that you’re tracking us, but it’s even worse when you say we’ve been ‘Garthed’ “ HAH! Far from being annoyed, Dean thinks it’s smart. “Total Bobby move.” The job is in Michigan. “Dude got ripped limb from limb inside his locked apartment. As long as we’re waiting on Kevin, that’ll be our fun.”

Special Agents Taggart and Rosewood introduce themselves to the sheriff on scene. Sam joins him for the nickel tour of the victim’s apartment while Dean checks for EMF and hex bags. Ed Nelson lived alone, which the sheriff finds shocking, considering his decor. Hey, hey, hey! They are not toys. They’re collectibles. My college roommate is married to a man who wallpapered a spare room in their house with mint, in-box Star Wars action figures and she’s a lucky damn woman. FACT. Moving on. Ed’s torso is laying on the bed, covered in a sheet. Other than the limbs scattered around the room, his body is ‘intact’. The evidence (and cold open) show that he was tied up and pulled apart. “Died of the shock or massive blood loss, dealer’s choice on that one.” Sam points out the chains in a bag on the floor. The sheriff corrects him – it’s chain mail. They found clear rope burn marks on Ed’s wrists and ankles. Sam pulls back the sheet covering one of Ed’s arms and notes the black tree tattoo. The sheriff concludes by reporting that the downstairs neighbor was woken in the night by the sound of galloping horses. He chalks it up to the TV, a bad dream, or “she was high as balls.” Their best lead is from Ed’s cell phone – angry texts sent by Lance Jacobsen. Some were run-of-the-mill threatening and others were “you shall bleed for your crimes against us” and “I am a mage. I will destroy you” threatening.

“These kids today, with their texting and murder.”

Lance has already been picked up, and the sheriff gives Sam and Dean first crack at him. The man is a weepy, blubbering mess. The boys find it a little off putting. They ask about the texts, which Lance patiently explains weren’t from him. “I mean, they were from me, but they weren’t from me me.”

“Did you really think that sentence was going to clear things up?”

Lance tries again. It’s all a big misunderstanding. “Those text messages were from Greyfox the Mystic to Thargrim the Difficult.” Dean stares at him blankly. “Our characters in Moondoor.” Dean hears the sounds coming out of Lance’s mouth, but they aren’t forming any words he is familiar with. It’s a game. “We’re LARP’ers. Live action role playing?” Ed was Lancelot to Lance’s Merlin. Yes! Dean is familiar. So, so familiar. Also, I guarantee you he has seen Excalibur. Lance thought Ed was cheating in the game, so he called him out on it and challenged him to a duel. “Wands and swords at dawn.” Dean snarks into his coffee about magic wands and Lance is all like enjoy the haterade, agent. It’s a game! Lance breaks down sobbing again. He can’t believe it. “Oh, ye gods! Thargrim the Difficult is fallen!” The boys step out of the room and leave Lance to his mourning ritual. He’s definitely not their guy, but they’re at a loss for what they’re actually dealing with. “You saw the chain mail. It could be ‘Fifty Shades of Greyfox’ for all we know.” They log onto the Moondoor website and scan photos of the previous night’s feast. Lance’s alibi checks out. Dean’s resistance to the nerd begins to falter. Giant turkey legs. Massive steins of beer. Buxom serving wenches. “Huh. Actually, it looks kind of awesome.” Sam clicks on the video introduction to the world of “intrigue, honor, and passion. Four kingdoms: the Followers of the Moon, Elves, Tyrion’s hill tribes Warriors of Yesteryear, and Shadow Orcs.” Dean nods and smiles and tries to keep Sam from noticing that he is kind of, sort of, maybe getting completely sucked in. “All will fight in the bi-annual Battle of Kingdoms. Pick up a sword or a mace …” Dean, smash? Please tell him more. “Defend the current ruler, Queen of the Moons.” Or, as she was known when they met her last season, CharlieBradbury. IT expert. Kissed by fire. Hermione Granger is her homegirl.

In the interview room, Lance scratches at his arm. The itch becomes more intense and he pulls up his sleeve to reveal a black tree tattoo. Based on his ” … the hell?” reaction, I’m going to guess it wasn’t there before. A spasm shakes his body and he coughs up a handful of blood. He convulses again and projectile vomits blood onto the two-way mirror. He screams in agony as his eyeballs liquify and BLEED OUT OF HIS FOOL SKULL EEP! The boys watch as his body is wheeled out of the room and through the station. The sheriff is nonplussed. “God forbid he was contagious. I’m going to go dip myself in hand sanitizer.” Sam keys in on the tattoo, but other than “a Tim Burton movie,” neither one of them can assign any greater meaning to it. The only other thing the two victims have in common is LARP’ing. “Lucky for us, we know the queen.”

Send a raven and summon the banners, because it is a full on Renfestgasm up in here. Sam and Dean survey the terrain. One does not simply walk into Moondoor. They watch as an orc is locked up in the stocks for stealing (and loses his fangs while cursing the Moon Queen’s followers). They stop the apprehending squire, Lothar of the Hill People Boltar the Furious, and flash their badges. With a tone of mild annoyance he calls “Hold!” and lowers his hood. He’s apologetic as he explains they’re not doing “the whole genre mash-up thing this weekend. We only do that every third month.” What in the who now? “Your fake badges? The cheap suits? It’s very cool! I get it, but I’m telling you, it’s just straight up Moondoor this weekend.” Not fake badges? Boltar takes Sam’s out of his hand and inspects it. Yeah they are. “And they’re very good, but um … well, the ID number shifted to 10-digits with two letters mixed in at the end of the year and seal’s from last month. Really good work.” It’s a tournament weekend, so everybody needs to follow the rules, okay guys? “No rules? Chaos.” He pulls his hood up and resumes play. If they wish to join the Followers of the Moon, the Queen is always looking for new squires. She’s overseeing a batch of recruits on the pitch as they speak. They join the crowd watching as Charlie – in full armor and mail – schools a squire, forcing him to yield. He loves her. She knows. She sends him off to the medical tent to see to his ‘severed limbs’. He’ll be fine. It’s just a flesh wound. She addresses her followers. “Grayfox and Thargrim are missing. In their absence, the honor guard’s ranks are weakened. To join …” She stops dead when she sees Sam and Dean. “Oh, blerg.” She announces that the Queen “needs some royal we time. Talk amongst thyselves.” She retreats doubletime from the field to her pavilion. Dean pauses to pick up the fallen squire’s sword. “Nice balance.” Sam’s b-face is all, ‘Case! Toys later.’ Yup, Dean’s on it. Charlie is already shoving gear into a bag. She goes by CarrieHeinlein now. They killed Charlie last year. And now they’ve killed Carrie, too. She had just gotten her life back! And now they’re here. “And if you guys are here, monsters are here.” She ughs! that she’s a monster magnet before worrying that there might actually be such a thing as a monster magnet. But you know what? Don’t answer that. Charlie doesn’t care. “What I care about is not getting my other arm broken. Or dying.” She plunks her crown on Dean’s head as she exits, stage left.

Dean breaks the news – while still wearing the crown at a jaunty angle – that Ed and Lance are dead. They show Charlie a photo of the tattoo, which she identifies as a Celtic magic symbol. “At least it was in my favorite video game.” She also reveals that Ed and Lance were only the latest in a string of honor guard members to suffer “hospital worthy accidents at home.” In real life, they share no common enemies. In the game, it’s another story. She shows them a map and explains that during the Battle of the Kingdoms, the other factions are all enemies of the Moon peeps. “You know, if you move your archers back and brought your swordsmen to the west …” Charlie sees it instantly. Deflect the Warriors. Good call. Sam interrupts. The southern wall will have to wait. Dean can’t help himself. He silently moves the trebuchet into position. Charlie nods her approval. Sam was saying? Real magic? The boys will canvas the kingdoms and Dean suggests Charlie take off. Sam calls hold. She knows the game and the players. They need her. “Sam, I think we can take care of a bunch of accountants with foam swords.” People are dying, “but the point – which is usually yours – is that she should get somewhere safe and get back to a normal life.” Charlie agrees. She wants to leave. “But the Queen? She has to stay. People are dying. That can’t happen on my watch. I’m tired of running. I like my life here. I’m going to stay and fight for it.” Sam gets a call from the Sheriff. Lance’s tox screen was clear, but the ME says his body showed clear signs that he was killed by belladonna. Dean and Charlie, in stereo: “The porn star?” Forget about it, Sam. You’re out of your element. He leaves them to canvas while he journeys to the Citadel at Oldtown the tech tent to look into the other accidents and research the mark.

Before they can poll the populace, Dean needs to ditch the suit. By the old gods and the new does that man wear medieval well. It is known. He also gives Charlie the wiki on their last year. He sent Sam a phantom text from his ex? “Richard move, ser. So, he found some normalcy with this chick and now it’s gone. Again. Thanks to you.” Dean admits the text was not his finest hour. But Sam made his choice and he’s more committed than ever. “Trust me, this life … you can’t afford attachments. You just gotta let go.“ Charlie wonders if they’re still talking about Sam, or did Dean break up with someone too?

Dean trades the padded sword for something with a little more whacking power as they begin their walkabout. Charlie tells him she was a tabletop gamer until a buddy introduced her to LARP’ing. She stayed for the chicks, but it’s also an escape. Here she’s a queen. A hero. Dean reminds her that they couldn’t have taken down Dick Roman without her. She’s a hero in the real world too. Although maybe there is more to be said for Moondoor. Dean comments on the number of maidens checking Charlie out. “What? I can’t shut this down. It’s good to be queen.” I am officially, officially on board with these two being pals. *sigh* She’s a woman. Dean cares about her. DO NOT KILL CHARLIE, JEREMY CARVER. DAMMIT MAN, DON’T YOU DO IT.

Sam is making progress in the tech tent – WARNING THIS IS A GATEWAY TO THE FUTURE – with the help of Maria. Or, as she’s known in the realm, Galandria the Wicked. She knows most of the people on Sam’s list of accident victims. Every group in the kingdom has been affected – except the Orcs. Together, they also identify the mark – the tree of pain. A symbol of fairy magic, it’s used as a hex to maim or kill. I have a tree of life tattoo on my back. I may or may not have started worrying at this point that it was somehow going to kill me. Sam wraps things up and takes his leave. Maria tells him she had a lot of fun with the genre mash-up. He should come by her tent later. Sam politely turns her down. Well, he is wearing a black coat. Night gathers, and now his watch begins.

Dean and Charlie have also narrowed their list down to the Orcs. Dean threatens the thief in the stocks with his mighty blade – no Geneva Convention in Moondoor. He reveals that the symbol is the Shadow King’s family crest. But they’ll never find him in the Black Hills! “The forrest behind the playground.” They meet Baltar Boltar on the path and Charlie introduces Dean as her handmaiden. Hah! “He was suspicious, I panicked!” Dean pulls her aside, gives her his cell phone, and tells her to find Sam. He and Moltar Boltar will find the Shadow Dorks. Charlie takes a shortcut and is accosted by an orc. She dodges his ‘attack’ and fends him off with a magic beanbag. “The stinging of your attack burns my very soul!” She turns and almost walks into another orc. It’s not wearing cheap plastic teeth. This one is hardcore. Its face is masked with a deer’s skull and it’s immune to pretend magic.

Dean and Zandar Boltar return to the main camp, the journey into the forest a bust. Boltar proposes a prisoner exchange using the thief in the stocks to draw the Orcs from hiding. Dean likes it. He’ll just wait here not attending to the Queen’s laundry and chamberpots. Sam joins him – ” … Nice outfit.” “You love it.” – and they realize they haven’t seen Charlie in a while. Sam tries calling her, but Dean’s phone doesn’t get coverage in the enchanted fairy tent of abduction. “Well, this has been a really great kidnapping, but I gotta get back to not dying, so …” Charlie walks through the tent opening to her left, and immediately reappears through the flap on the right. She tries again with the same results. The tent is both a TARDIS and an ouroboros! It’s a tentaroubordis! “Wow! Real magic. That is really cool, if not mostly terrifying.” Charlie tries to bargain and reason with the impassive masked figure before making a simple plea. “I’m just an IT girl, standing in front of a monster, asking it not to kill her.” Charlie just wants her life back! The monster slowly approaches, looming over her. It removes its mask to reveal a doe-eyed, dark haired woman. Gilda the fairy wants her life back, too. She was summoned from the realm next door by a spell and forced by her new master to hurt people. She can’t break free on her own. A hero must take her master’s book of magic and destroy it.

Boltar leads the thief, Sam, and Dean to the appointed meeting place in the woods. The Shadow King and his minions reveal themselves. Before they begin the exchange, Boltar has a few announcements. “There is a pee-wee league soccer play-off game tomorrow on alpha field. We don’t want to freak out the mundanes, so we gotta move the Battle of Kingdoms.” Dean’s concern for Charlie trumps his patience and he calls a HOLD. By pulling out his boom stick gun and racking the chamber. This just became a conversation that requires a weapons discharge. The Shadow King soils his royal knickers. He doesn’t know where Charlie is! He pulls up his sleeve to reveal the fairy mark. It just appeared on his arm a month ago. He thought it looked really cool so he turned it into the King’s family crest. “After my dermatologist said it wasn’t malignant.” He’s not their guy, but he is an attorney. If they let him go right now he won’t press charges. He offers his orc ears to Dean. Promise.

Hoping to win points with Charlie, thief orc tells them about the creepy tent down by the stream. Boltar sticks with Sam and Dean. “A handmaiden and a time traveler rescue the Queen? I think not, kind lady.” They enter the tentarobordis and interrupt Charlie rescuing Gilda with her lips. “Dudes! If the tent is rockin’ don’t come a’knockin’!” Also, Boltar is totally the big bad. Oh noes! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Sam and Dean draw on him, but RULES! There are no guns in Moondoor. Gilda? With a wave of her hand and a squawk, the pistols explode into piles of feathers. Boltar explains he was simply trying to eliminate his competition so he could win the battle and become Charlie’s king. He escalated from maiming to murder when Lance and Ed began paying off other players with real cash money. They broke the rules. CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER. THEY DIE! Using magic isn’t cheating. “Magic is a part of Moondoor. THERE IS NO GAME! THERE IS ONLY MOONDOOR!” And everything will be put right as soon as Boltar removes the boys from the playing field and wipes Charlie’s memory. He picks up a training sword which Gilda magics into a real broadsword. Charlie, Dean, and Sam all scatter and lunge for a weapon. Sam is quickly neutralized by an empty set of armor that Gilda commands to choke a fool. Aaaand, drink! Fight fight struggle fight. Dean uses a shield to fend off a volley of Boltar’s blows before finally landing a solid punch. The spell book falls out of Boltar’s tunic and Charlie is on it instantly. “Hey, Jerry. I’m the one who saves damsels in distress around here.” She spins the basilisk fang curved dagger in her hand before stabbing it into the book. The spell is broken and Gilda is free. With one final kiss from Charlie, Gilda disappears. She takes Jerry with her. He will answer for his sins in Oberon’s hall.

If the last 24 hours have taught Charlie anything, it’s that escaping isn’t what it used to be. No more replacement characters for her. Reality includes its share of monsters, but she has to face it. And apart from being monster-blocked from having the fairy sexy times and the impending loss of her crown, she’s good. Totally good. “Smell ya later, bishes.” Dean is also ready to face reality. “No amount of fun is going to help you get over what you gave up.” Sam agrees he needs time. And that fun won’t help him … “It’ll help both of us. Shall we?”

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.