John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

I wasn't raised with my mom, but I did get to spend some time with her after I got out of foster homes. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart. (Published 12/11/2012)

Q:

I wasn't raised with my mom, but I did get to spend some time with her after I got out of foster homes. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart.. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart. I know she is in a better place now, but I feel like a part of me should have done something before she left.*confused*

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Virginia,

Over the years we’ve helped many people whose circumstances were similar to yours. Almost all of them said things parallel to what you say about feeling something missing in their hearts.

With so many people making that kind of statement, we believe them—and we believe you. There's probably a great deal missing for you, much of which relates to all the time you didn’t get to spend with your mom

We’d recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores]. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you take those actions, you will probably sense a reduction in the “confusion” you feel, and stop berating yourself for what you think you didn’t do before she died.

Also, we’d like to comment about the idea that “I know she is in a better place now,…” We certainly hope that’s true for her, but we know by the content of your note, that you are not in a better place. That’s why we suggest that you take the action in the book, so that your memories and feelings won’t be so painful for you.