Sleeping

When it comes to sleeping, I am of two minds. On one hand, I am quite picky with the one-third of my life that I spend trying to achieve REM sleep. Conversely, I've been known to fall asleep in the midst of a party. There are photos to prove it. While some claim that I have passed out at these parties, I staunchly defend that I have actually fallen asleep. Unfortunately, I often become the victim of degrading party tricks like the shaving cream in the palm whilst one tickles the nose. Or better yet, the party Jenga guy, where people precariously balance items on your head until the balance shifts and it crashes.

In my own bed, however, I am very picky. Being "big-boned" and rather tall, to get a good night's rest I require a king-size bed if shared, a queen if alone. While requiring the proper large amount of space for my physique, I also desire the comfortable coziness provided by two body pillows which must border me on either side. I require a semi-soft pillow with an equally comfortable high-threadcount pillowcase if it becomes necessary in the middle of the night to flip the pillow to allow the cool side to swathe my neck. While I must sleep with only my private undergarments being worn, my flesh must not touch other flesh, including my own. This is a challenge as my thighs are dangerously close to one another, not to mention other dangly parts.

I have a faux leopard fur print mid-sized pillow which I prop up to my right. This is to allow my right hand to rest a comfortable six inches above my head, the proper distance needed to get that tingly feeling. I usually start out on my back, readjust and roll to the left, then roll to the right. Once in position, if all goes right, I can usually fall asleep within 30 seconds. It's a complicated ritual, but it works.

My publisher, who shares the vastly smaller other portion of the bed, hates it when I go to sleep first. That is due to my nocturnal sounds, which, after imbibing a refreshing alcoholic beverage, reach volume levels reminiscent of a Concord upon takeoff. I admit, I have even startled myself awake with the sound. Once I believed Sasquatch was breaking in my window.

Before the invention of the light bulb, not to mention the Internet or Daily Show replays at midnight, people generally got 10 hours of sleep each night. Today that average is closer to seven. We all need to sleep more, according to sleep disorder scientists. I suggest after reading BW you take a nice little nap. Twenty minutes or so will do. Lock yourself in the bathroom at work while feigning bad shrimp from the night before. Be careful of snoring or they'll think you're weird.