“I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.

Tag Archives: bipolar symtoms

‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’

Secrets to live by. The 48-hour rule.

I ask myself, “If I had 48 hours left to live , what would I do ? “

It makes you push aside anything that’s not truly important and focus on the things you love and make you happy! I would chose love and happiness over fun and a good night out .

It would take a special man.

A man that just “gets me” accepting my flaws and scars alike . I still have baggage that I’ve been working on leaving. I am not fragile living with shame and regret, drinking myself to the bottom of a bottle. Addicted to a kind of burning pain that leaves you mentally wounded . Trying to avoid the thinking, highly medicated, and drinking.

Accept me as I am, or watch me as I step in these heels and wiggle my ass out the door.

Broken I am not.

A chaotic imperfect hot mess, definitely!

Inhaling the essence of a passionate soul lost long ago.
Gone is the prison and it’s heavy chains, replaced by walls of boundaries, that will not be crossed.

Settling is not an option.

This was the conversation last night

I have never really gotten into the online dating thing . I am an addict, I have emotional scars , Behind the smile , there are still moments of great shame and regret. I understand that I can not undo the past, I now put effort into letting go. I assume this will be a on going process.

So there it is .. After waiting a few minutes , I was not surprised when the real person showed up. As the conversation went south, It took no time for me and my new high heels to wiggle my ass out of there .

As i was looking for a taxi , I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen in many years . Bottom line is the night wasn’t wasted.

Yet, I couldn’t help but wonder, what was this guy doing while I was sitting there having the all important first date conversation ? As I recall he played with hair quite a bit, and was playing his clothes every 5 secs..

Lets’ just call it a day and image that somewhere in there was a woman dying to come out and bitch slap him back to the 80’s . .

Apparently, ” I’m a woman” and and I have “feelings” and those” feelings” are activated through my vagina.

How should I process that shit ? I’m dangerous when I know what I am doing and know who’s doing it to me.

I’m dangerous when I know what I am doing and know who’s doing it to me.

When a woman says “don’t make me go there”, wait 2 mins and she’s there . I don’t negotiate .

So much for dealing with life on life’s terms. Earlier in the week, I felt good with the way that I am handling all the pressure and stress that comes along in this crazy business called life , you know being an adult .

There was a time when opening the mail was my biggest fear. I had to be numb just right, not too much and certainly not less. It was a real phobia for me.

Considering my mail is in dutch, I do understand most dutch when other people are speaking ( I haven’t managed the art of speaking fluent dutch, and because everyone speaks English I have not put so much effort into it. Not that I don’t want too. hell speaking English my mother tongue and have the time that can be a struggle depending on my mood and how fast I am talking.) So back to the post mail, it can throw me into a cycle of panic or unnecessary depression . I thought that this was a thing of the past.

And then the Belasting ( Tax office ) , dutch mafia , whatever they call themselves had to put me on notice.

Like , WTF and I going to be sleeping with the fishes? I went from panic, to anger . This anger made me twisted as if I was suddenly a character in the “Sopranos”. And I am not talking about that wimpy chick either . My whole demeanor changed within seconds . I was not to be messed with in any shape or form . I was like some biker mama bending over backwards for a good spanking (no offense intended to all the ole ladies out there ) .

No, I have not fallen off the freedom wagen just yet . This is what was going through my head . Of course I am stubborn and while I may have come up for air and breathed in reality, again.Sort of.

I am replacing the whining and depression of yesteryear with pure aggression, which leads me into isolation . I know myself , and I know that I can flip the script real fast , pulling no punches and being unreasonable. All while hurting the ones close to me.

Isolation? Call it whatever you want. I know isolation. It suddenly occurred to me that I simply need some space to take it all in. I took a walk this morning and did my normal self talk, except with me it can be mistaken as some idiot talking loudly to myself in rather an aggressive tone .

Calming the Beast, Demon, or just me yelling at the belasting mafia and any other Tax office for making me miserable.

Upon getting home , I thought maybe you should write out the anger , aggression and depressing stuff out.

Hello.

I have a blog for this . I am not alone with my frustration nor am I going to be led away in handcuffs or better yet with those kind lovely people with whom all share the same smile pasted upon their faces, come on people, keep up! The White Wagen !!

I began this post writing blind, but as I have let it all out, one word pops up.

ACCEPTANCE .

( I may need a few more hours to face the world and make peace with the mailbox again)

“Oh!” say the chronically interested and engaged, “What a fascinating and exciting world we live in. How wonderful it is to be alive. How can anyone possibly be bored with all the variety in life?”

Lucky you!

“The truth is that everyone is bored, and devotes himself to cultivating habits. French philosopher Albert Camus, who said (in The Plague):

Of course, we use all of these strategies at different times. But there’s evidence to suggest that we should rely more on French philosopher Albert Camus, who said (in The Plague):. The worst strategy seems to be trying to evade boredom (think: drink, drugs and gambling. Speaking of gambling, I want to try to approach a subject that is sensitive to me, Gambling destroyed a friend and partner.

Someone, who I allowed myself into his madness. No, I don’t gamble, I want to see what I am spending my money on ( like all the useless stuff I buy but who can resist the dollar or euro store, not me ). Also, I am clearly Bipolar and aware that I will always have to watch me spending and I love shopping and haggling at the open markets whether it is here in Amsterdam or somewhere in the boonies.

Awareness is the important word here.

Addiction brings with it only detriment. What begins as a sniff, a puff, a drag, a swig, a morsel, a splurge, or a fling can spiral into something beyond the control of a person, and before he realizes it, he’s addicted. The thing about addiction and relationships is that both sides can be equally tormented, confused, and helpless. Some may try to understand the addiction, some give up after a while, and some hang on until the end, willing their way through the ordeal of helping an addict get his life back. Whatever the situation, the bottom line is that deterioration of relationships is collateral to any kind of addiction. It affects every person: the spouse/partner, family, friends, colleagues, superiors, and even random people they meet every day. The ways in which these effects manifest themselves can turn out to be disastrous because of the extremely sensitive nature of the problem.

“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic is alcohol or morphine or idealism.” – Carl Jung

No-one automatically knows how to talk to an addict. Although people who have lived and worked with addicts may have discovered ways to talk to an addict, it is always difficult because of the confusion addiction creates in the addict, and in those around them. I will be the first to tell you that I have been using anything possible to numb myself and after awhile it becomes YOUR way of life. I am a recovering addict and let’s not get all caught up in my drama.

My blog has so many tearful or funny stories. You know, it depends on what mood I am in. And being bipolar and just recently diagnosed with having ADHD. I can remember looking stone face high at the doctor and said I thought that you knew. with my mind and mouthing talking before I can finish thinking. I mean really take a look back, for those of you that follow my blog. So maybe I am not the person to be handing out advice or words of wisdom, I am an Addict! Still, I am going to put my two cents in anyway. Because I now understand what it feels like to be in a friendship or relationship with an addict, in denial. I also know how hard it is to walk away.

I chose to walk away. It still upsets me but I found a bit of inner peace and I refuse to let go of the positive part of me, I have finally begun to be selfish.Today I matter. My happiness is important to me and somehow, I must have hit bottom because don´t see the change in me as much as I feel the change.

This is a concept that most people forget on a daily basis. You can’t change the past–a minute ago, included, is the past. So what if you can’t change it? That just means you have to push forward and make the future better.

I need to remember this, myself. I may not be able to change anything that has happened in my past, but I can change how it will effect me in the future.

I can’t change the fact of my abandoning my children all for my addiction , but I can change the future and how I deal wit it. I can stop it from becoming a defining characteristic of my life.

I can’t change the fact that I broke up with my ex, which believe me, I do not regret. But I can continue to look at it and gain all of the knowledge I can from such a terrible relationship. I can take that knowledge and either learn from it or continue to make the same choices over and over again.

I can’t change the fact that I stopped drinking and using relapsing directly from a wonderful rehab clinic. I sat and instead dealing with my problems I choose avoid them. That has all changed. I must that a special friend really helped to get up and fight. I realize now that I will be fighting demon forever. I raised my hands together and prayed. I am not in my 20’s anymore yet my mind and behavior continue as if I was 20 again. I had to pray to forgive myself, the past is over, let it go.

I suddenly started to understand that I had to take my power back, but having is another story. It has taken everything in me to fight the demon of addiction, I finally understood it takes real work on my part. All the little things , such as surrounding myself around around positive people and staying busy has helped. Because if I am honest, it was easy to sit alone where no one could see how much I progress into the dark side of addiction. Writing has helped in many ways. Sometimes I write about my funny midlife crisis( which I have come to terms with).

Why should we want to change our past, it’s over and we can’t change it ? Everything happens for a reason. And good reasons despite hardly ever understanding what those reasoning’s are at the time.

I can’t change the fact that I stopped drinking and using relapsed directly from a wonderful rehab clinic. I sat and instead dealing with my problems I choose avoid them. That has all changed. I must that a special friend really helped to get up and fight. I realize now that I will be fighting demon forever. I raised my hands together and prayed. I am not in my 20’s anymore yet my mind and behavior continue as if I was 20 again. I had to pray to forgive myself, the past is over, let it go.

I suddenly started to understand that I had to take my power back, but having is another story. It has taken everything in me to fight the demon of addiction, I finally understood it takes real work on my part. All the little things , such as surrounding myself around around positive people and staying busy has helped. Because if I am honest, it was easy to sit alone where no one could see how much I progress into the dark side of addiction. Writing has helped in many ways. Sometimes I write about my funny midlife crisis( which I have come to terms with).

Sometimes the depression may come out in my blogs on WordPress and Drinking Bipolar. Having Bipolar I guess that is expected. I When I started this blog a few years ago I was in a very dark place, if you look back in my post you will see that. I thank you all for your support. Today I am OK, tomorrow hasn’t come yet. Today I forgive myself . Thanks everyone for supporting me and this blog.

Why should we want to change our past, it’s over and we can’t change it ? Everything happens for a reason. And good reasons despite hardly ever understanding what those reasoning’s are at the time.

But no, we can’t change the past, and we shouldn’t want to even through I have hurt many people my children especially . Our past is what has helped us get to where we are, and the past is what guarantees us our future.

with joy, intense positive energy, and life. Then the craving begin and arrives and the side effects of allergies. Like gaining weight, you’re frustrated because your body seems to be betraying you. However, you quickly realize you’re body is doing what is should be doing…fighting for YOU! Just as you need the antibodies that make you sneeze to flush out the allergens, you need this new ‘cushion’ on your body to keep you healthy…so that you can fully enjoy all the life that summer has to offer. You move past the allergies, and enter into a new world. It’s the same world that was there before, but you can now see life and joy clearly. You think back to winter, but you do not dwell, and you’re completely shocked that you did not see this new, recovered world before. You ponder, and ask yourself…”Where was I, what was thinking for so long?” This world has been here the whole time, but I was blind to it…”how did that happen?” Life is good again. When the autumn arrives this time around…you do not dread the depths of winter any longer…because you will NOT forget about spring this year.” Keep these concepts in mind: You’ve failed many times, although you don’t remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. … Don’t worry about failure. My suggestion to each of you and mostly me : Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.

“And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” – Erica Jong

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Miss Crabby Ass

When my life started to spiral out of my control.
I didn't know the cause. All I knew was that everything I did, every bit of self-control and discipline I exerted made no difference. This blog is about my struggle with bipolar, addiction and recovery...