Waxing lyrically

This was sent to me by my lovely wife and i was crying with laughter reading it...............Enjoy All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the
wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but
I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,” yeah…right!) I
lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It
works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right
half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes,
it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I
may pass out…must stay conscious… Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no
hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
do and think to myself, “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it
off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied my self to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter –
“So, my butt and ‘who-ha’ are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have
to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!! It
works!!”

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair……… THE HAIR IS STILL THERE……… ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

About Me

I am 50 years young I have a daughter called Gabriella who is 18. I am Proudly South African. I used to live in a small drinking town with a fishing problem but moved to Port Elizabeth in 2009. I have had a pretty interesting life and up until a few years back when a good friend of mine persuaded me to look at writing a political/military book I had never ever thought of writing for pleasure. Not that I think that I am a great writer, but I do enjoy it and I have recently published my first book "The Clarens Chronicles" available from stephend@nosa.co.za. I ride a Harley Davidson 1200 Sportster and I ride as often as I can (not often enough)Having purchased a big boy scooter a couple of years back I am travelling all over PE and surrounds on two wheels and find it awesome. Hopefully with this blog you will get to know more about me, my family and my friends. The Born Warriors Blog is one that i have set up to help collect stories and information on those men and women who have contributed to military history but have never received the credit they have deserved.