Saturday, August 30, 2014

Are you young and naive, asks journalist Hassan Alkatib?
Just finished a boring university degree perhaps? Are you the sort of
person who’s itching to swap your British citizenship for a “Muslamic”
one? Or maybe you’re looking for something more worthwhile than arguing
on Facebook with Sufis about whether Milad is haram?

Well I have just the answer for you young lad! Here are five good
reasons why you should join the unfairly maligned Islamic State of Iraq
and al-Sham (ISIS).

1. Takfirism has become the favourite sport amongst Muslamic people
in the last few years. Next time someone disagrees with you, on
absolutely anything, just make takfir on them! How dare they disagree
with you! Your uni degree obviously qualifies you more than most Islamic
scholars out there. So what better way to do this than to join
like-minded takfiris all gathered together under one banner?

But these guys don’t stop at takfir…

2. They exterminate! Killing, destroying, and ethnically cleansing
has recently become a very fun and well paid job. Those shrines,
mosques, churches, religious minorities and Muslim apostates obviously
need to be destroyed. How on earth did the Companions (ra) of the
Prophet (saw) miss them? No matter, you can put them to shame by showing
how much more Muslamic you are. Just don’t forget to say “Takbeer” when
you chop or blow their heads off.

3. The demonization of Islam and Muslims is just not enough, you’ve
got to demonise Islam even more! How dare the Western kuffar do that
when the oh-so holy Muslamic warrior, like you, can do it tenfold. This
is your opportunity to distort and violate the teachings of Islam…and do
it on camera for the whole world to see!
4. Your ideal dream of a massive Caliphate that would spread to the
four corners of the earth is really going to come true! Just look at
what the Great Caliph Osama Bin Laden achieved; he has a state
encompassing Afghanistan, Pakistan, India and the Caucuses. Boko Haram have the whole of Africa
right under their control (with Al-Shabab controlling regions in
eastern Africa, and Ansar al-Sharia controlling all of north Africa).
Even our friend Anjem Choudary has established Muslamic law in London.

So what the heck can go wrong?

5. Which brings me to my final point. Much more important than all
the above. In fact, just carrying this out is better than anything you
could ever do!

How about you serve the neo-con, Zionist, Western colonial agenda in
the region and back home? Why not? Don’t worry, they’re not Shi’ites, so
they’re fine. You should join hands with those that want to destroy the
Ummah. You should create chaos, destruction, and hatred. You should
distract resistance groups from fighting Israel. You should endeavour to
split Muslim nations bit by bit until there are hundreds of Taifas.

Remember those? The small Muslim kingdoms in Spain that emerged from
fighting and disunity in the 11th century. They later sowed the seeds of
the elimination of Al-Andalus in 1492. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to
do the same to the whole Ummah!

So now that you know the ground rules, go on and join the Muslamic State of Idiots and Shambles, otherwise known as ISIS.

PS. If you’ve figured out that this is a satirical article then good, if not please join ISIS immediately!