Scene: Sidewalk

(Phil comes across a bike left unattended)

(Commentary)

Phil: Ten minutes after making a promise to me, he leaves his bike unlocked. All I can hear is Claire’s voice in my head: “He’s not responsible. You never should’ve given him a bike.” I know. I do a pretty good Claire. So I decided to teach him a lesson and let him think his bike was stolen. And I know that sounds kinda rough, but sometimes it’s a dad’s job to be the tough guy.

Scene: Toddler play class

Cameron: I- I’m Cameron and I’m currently not working… which gives me more time to grill and shoot baskets and-

Mitchell: And this is Lily.

Teacher: Okay, we’re gonna start with the Hello Dance, and then we’re gonna move onto blocks and finger painting, and then we’re gonna do our Family Dance. Alright, who wants to start us off? Dance us in, PJ! (woman gets up and dances with toddler)

Mother: She’s adorable.

Mitchell: Oh, thank you.

Mother: Seven months?

Mitchell: Uh, eight.

Mother: Oh. Is she grabbing or scooting yet?

Mitchell: …Y-yes, absolutely! I mean, she’s not grabbing; she is- she is scootin’.

Teacher: Dance us in, Tyler!

Mother: (to her toddler) Are you ready? Okay, here we go! (gets up, dances with Tyler)

Mitchell: Cam. Lily is not grabbing or scooting yet.

Cameron: Well, she’s not doing it yet, but she will eventually.

Mitchell: No, but all these other kids, theyre… they’re grabbing. I- I just…(picks up block) Here, c- Lily, look at the- look at the block. Huh? Grab the block, Lily. Grab the ‘H’.

Teacher: Dance us in, Lily!

Cameron: Okay, I got this.

Mitchell: Cam…

Cameron: Yes I know. Damp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.

Scene: Sidewalk

Desiree: Hi, uh, this is really embarrassing, but I locked myself out of my house.

Phil: Oh. Psshhh. I do that all the time; don’t be embarrassed. (starts riding off)

Desiree: I was- I was hoping you could help me. There’s a window open, but I can’t reach it. Would you mind?

Phil: … Yeah! Yeah, sure. Of course. You know what they say: every time God closes a door, He opens a window. Or I guess in this case, every time He- (loses footing on bike; gets off). Okay, let’s see what we got here.

(Commentary)

Phil: I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No. No way. Not while my wife is still alive.

(Cut back to scene)

Desiree: (exiting house) Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink?

Phil: Yeah, no, I’m- I’m fine. Really.

Desiree: If I knew a man was gonna climb into my bedroom window, I would’ve cleaned up a bit.

Phil: Are you kidding me? It smelled great in there. Like lotions and oils for… dry skin and, you know, callous hands-

Desiree: Yeah, it’s… a candle.

Phil: Uh oh.

Desiree: What’s wrong?

Phil: My bike’s gone.

Desiree: Oh no. Can I help you find it?

Phil: (sprints off) It’s alright, thank you.

Desiree: Okay. Thank you!

Scene: Palms Cycle (bicycle store)

Phil: …So to teach him a lesson, I took his bike, and then crazy thing: I put it down for one minute and someone swiped it from me.

Assistant: Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson.

Phil: Ahaha. Zinger. So… any chance I could, uh, get a break on this one?

Assistant: I can throw in a bell-

Phil: Deal!

Assistant: -for five dollars.

Phil: No, sir.

Assistant: So you wanna go for the insurance this time or is it still for suckers?

Phil: Hahaha. Caught me again. Well played, m’ lord. I will take some insurance, thank you.

Scene: Pritchett household

Gloria: What’s going on in there?

Manny: That’s not step four.

Jay: Don’t worry about it.

Manny: Well, it says right here that-

Jay: Hush; you’re worrying about it.

Gloria: I thought you guys might need a drink.

Jay: Uh, you have no idea.

Gloria: Manny, mi amor, I have to go get some stuff for our trip. Ayi, but have some fun with your father, okay? I’ll see you Monday. Mwa! It makes me so happy to see my two boys working together.

Manny: Jay shocked himself twice.

Jay: Okay, Manny.

Manny: Well, I warned him.

Jay: Yep, he’s been a big help.

Gloria: Look at you two with your private jokes already. You’re a regular Salazar and El Oso.

(Commentary)

Gloria: It’s a very big comedy to me in Colombia. El Oso is always hit Salazar in the head with the lada and things, and sometimes they wore dresses. They make you laugh, but they also make you think.

Scene: Dunphy household

(Phil leaves bicycle at bottom of stairs)

Phil: You blew it. You made me look bad. No, you made your mother and I look bad. We’re a team. (knocks on Luke’s door) Luke, you in there?

Phil: So, uh, what happened after I took off? Anything you wanna… share with me?

Luke: Not really.

Phil: So… if I, uh, went out to the garage to take a picture for a scrapbook, there’d be no surprises?

Luke: …I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it. I just made a mistake!

Phil: Yeah, a big mistake! You’re making me look really bad here; I told mom you were ready for this.

Luke: It’s just a scratch, dad.

Phil: That’s not the point, Luke- what?

Luke: I scratched it on my way into the driveway. I’m sorry.

Phil: So… it’s not stolen?

Luke: …No. Why?

Phil: That’s good… ’cause… there are bad people out there who would steal a bike. Those are thieves. (walks out) You sit there and think about the scratch part; that’s not good either – gotta fix that step – so don’t scratch anything while I’m gone, unless it itches. That’s different.

(Commentary)

Phil: The good news is Luke has his bike. More good news: I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike. Best news: Claire knows nothing. So, I figure I’ll just dump the new bike where I stole the first bike, that way random kid gets his back and this new bike doesn’t raise a lot of embarrassing questions like why I had it, or who boosted who through the bedroom window. So, everyone’s happy.

(Cut back to scene)

(Phil’s pulling out of the driveway with new bike when he’s stopped by Claire)

Phil: Uh oh.

Scene: Manny’s room

Jay: Ah, son of a b- You gave me the wrong screwdriver.

Manny: Maybe you’re just using it wrong. My dad’s great with tools. He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.

Jay: Just get me the wine country… just get me the wine country-ooh! (fan blade falls off; hits Manny’s arm)

Manny: Ow!

Jay: Sorry!

Manny: I think my arm is broken!

Jay: Relaaax. It’s not broken.

Manny: How do you know? You don’t know anything! You have no concern for safety!

Jay: Because it didn’t hit you that hard.

Manny: Why don’t you just say it? You don’t want me around.

Jay: You know what? Right now, I don’t.

Manny: I don’t wanna be with you either. I’m gonna go wait for my dad.

Jay: But… but if you leave, how will I ever finish?

Manny: You know what? I wish you’d never married my mom. I hate living here.

Jay: You think I like this arrangement? I got a two-seater parked in the driveway!

Scene: Dunphy driveway

Claire: I mean, I don’t understand. Why are you trying to sneak around and hide things from me? I actually think it’s pretty funny.

Phil: …You do?

Claire: I do, yes. I mean, you steal a bike from some poor kid and then the bike gets stolen from you. It’s hilarious.

Phil: Classic me, right?

Claire: Yes! So, where were you when it got stolen?

Phil: Oh, I was getting some gas…

Claire: Uh huh.

Phil: Yeah.

Claire: You don’t stand near the car when you get gas?

Phil: Yep! But, uh, I went inside… to get a soda because I was thirsty; if I had soda I wouldn’t be thirsty anymore, so I… bought one and then I drank it all right there, which is why I don’t have the can.

Claire: Well, honey, please, let’s try to remember that I’m your wife, not your mom. So in the future, you don’t need to hide things from me, okay?

Desiree: No, at my house. One of my neighbours saw it and put it in my garage when you were in my bedroom, so…

Phil: Classic me?

Scene: Toddlers play class

Mitchell: (to Lily) Come on, honey, grab the block. You see, like he did. You gotta do that.

Cameron: Seen any m-movies lately?

Mother: Uh, yeah! You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, Mamma Mia. Which I liked, but I don’t know that Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?

(Commentary)

Cameron: Excuse me. Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She’s perfection. Whether she’s divorcing Kramer, whether she’s wearing Prada… Don’t even get me started on Sophie’s Choice; I get emotional thinking about it. (takes a breath) She couldn’t forgive herself…(gets emotional)

Jay: His son’s sitting on the curb waiting to go to Disneyland, and Superman can’t drag himself away from a craps table. And I’m the jerk.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: So listen. I, uh… sorry, but I got some bad news.

Manny: What?

Jay: Your dad couldn’t make it.

Manny: Why not?

Jay: The plane was full and this old lady needed to get home, so he gave up his seat.

Manny: You’re making that up, aren’t you?

Jay: No!

Manny: He just didn’t wanna come.

Jay: Are you kidding me? He was very upset! He was dying to see you. In fact, look what he sent. (limo pulls up)

Manny: A limo?!

Jay: Yeah! He wanted me and your mom to take you to Disneyland.

Manny: I told you he was an awesome dad.

Jay: Yeah, he’s a prince.

(Voiceover)

Jay: Okay, the key to being a good dad… Well, sometimes things work out just the way you want them.

(Cut to Phil and Luke cycling down the street)

Luke: I’ll race you to the end.

Phil: That is not a good idea. For you.

(Voiceover)

Jay: Sometimes they don’t. You gotta hang in there….

(Cut to a frustrated Mitchell and Cameron playing with Lily, who does not want to grab blocks)

Jay: …because when all is said and done…

(Cut to Jay and Gloria in limo with a sleeping Manny)

Jay: …ninety percent of being a dad… is just showing up.

Scene: Sidewalk

(Phil returns random kid’s bike where he found it; kid sees him)

Kid: Hey! That’s my bike!

Phil: Oh. I don’t, uh… Well! (runs off; kid and his friend chase after him) I was giving it back!

(Commentary)

Cameron: (crying) She couldn’t forgive herself, and… she had to choose! And I think because now I have- we have- we have L-… we have Lily, it’s so hard to imagine being put in that position. If I had to choose Lily or Mitchell, I mean, I would choose L-… I don’t know! (gets up; walks off) I just, I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know!