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Penis Whitening Is Now a Thing and Headed to a Plastic Surgeon Near You

Because men can’t stop obsessing about the junk between their legs, penis whitening is now a thing.

If he who is born with a penis is willing to travel to Lelux Hospital in Bangkok—the joke is not lost on me either—spend $650 and subject said thing to five laser treatments, then he can have the “dark spots” on his penis lightened.

Bunthita Wattanasiri, a representative from the Skin and Laser department at Lelux Hospital, said, “We have to be careful because it’s a sensitive part of the body.”

YOU THINK?!?!

While it would probably be bad for business, the rep failed to mention that penis lightening is the dumbest thing since anal bleaching. Then again, have penis, have obsession. If someone is so concerned about the pigment of their willy, I doubt they care much about things like money or stupidity or judgment. Sadly, business will be fine.

And before you raise your hand and scream, “Not all men!” or remind me that I am a queer gender non-conforming woman who knows nothing about desirable penises, shush.

In my almost 40 years on Earth, I have yet to find a cis-gender male or a transgender male with a surgically-made penis who does not love their schlong. And that’s fine. Love it. Admire it. Enjoy it consensually and in the privacy of your home or semi-private location. But don’t admire it so much that you A.) think a shade lighter would really make it shine, or B.) think anyone else cares about your penis so much that you should go through the ordeal of bleaching it.

If you think making your dong whiter is the answer, you are not asking the right question. You’re also kind of a racist. And if someone judges you for the color of your johnson, then they probably are, too. In that case, maybe you deserve one another. But really, you should be with someone who accepts you as you are, dark penis spots and all.

I have listened to my gay, bisexual, and straight friends tell stories about the penises they have encountered. I have heard about width, length, and weird ways in which they listed to one side. But I have never heard one of them say anything about a penis being too dark, splotchy, or otherwise the wrong color.

Besides, have you seen the rainbow of colors one can find when purchasing a dildo? Color is not the problem.

Yet, since launching the service in July 2017, about 100 clients a month are walking through Lelux Hospital’s doors to have the skin on their penises whitened.

Dr. David Shafer, a board-certified plastic surgeon out of New York, believes the procedure is safe as long as it is done by a reputable and qualified plastic surgeon. And while this treatment is not available in the United States, Shafer doubts it will take long before American men can start making local appointments to have their penises lightened.

“People are more and more aware of their bodies. Especially with social media, everyone is aware of what’s going on,” Dr. Shafer told Newsweek.

What’s going on is that people have lost their minds. Leave your equipment the color it is, dudes.

After all, it’s the bad carpenter who blames his tools. Maybe the answer to dissatisfaction is found in listening to sexual partners and not so much in expensive and painful laser treatments on the peen.

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About Amber Leventry

Amber Leventry is a queer, non-binary writer and advocate. Their writing appears on The Next Family, Sammiches & Psych Meds, Babble, Ravishly, Scary Mommy, Longreads, and The Washington Post. They also run Family Rhetoric by Amber Leventry, a Facebook page devoted to advocating for LGBTQ families one story at a time. Follow them on Twitter and Instagram @amberleventry.