How to Save your Relationship when a Partner has Breast Cancer

Even the best relationships are affected by breast cancer. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my husband was too. Breast cancer didn’t leave him out; it affected every area of his life. As his wife, he knew me to be strong, supportive and a little bossy. He loved me for all of that. Learning how to go from caregiver to care recipient was a difficult transition for me. Seeing me weak and vulnerable was new to him.

He knew me too well to ask me what I needed from him. He took it upon himself to accompany me to each chemotherapy appt, and settle into the chair beside me. Since my doctor didn’t allow me to come without someone to drive me home, I expected him to drive me to my afternoon chemo session. I never asked him to take time of work to stay with me; he decided that all on his own. There were times though when it wasn’t so easy for him to figure out what to do. I also had to fight hurt feelings when he didn’t do what I expected.

How our Partner is affected

I think most men find it difficult when their partner is diagnosed with breast cancer. The biggest problem for the men that I have asked is being able to provide the care and support they feel they should give while adjusting to the role change of their loved one. Many men rely and lean on wives for support. These are the women who are allowed to see them when they are vulnerable. For most of them watching someone they cherish suffer is far more difficult then battling the illness themselves. Not being able to do anything about it is heartbreaking for these men.

Women don’t want to burden their loved ones, and men have difficulty figuring out what to do to help. This glitch in communication can put a real strain on any relationship. Some men look for cues and try to fill in the gaps. Some men give up and watch more TV, go hunting or stay later at work. The result is a strain in the relationship and feelings of abandonment on both sides.

Finding a Solution

What is the best solution? – Communication and understanding. I know it took courage for my husband to open the door of my room while I tried to recover from a chemo session to ask me if I wanted him to sit with me. I had to tell my husband I needed him to stay home from his usual hunting trip while I went through chemo. He was happy to know I needed him. I couldn’t take his wanting to go hunting in the first place as his wanting to get away from me. It was his usual routine, that’s all. Together we navigated the terrible blow breast cancer had dealt us.

Make it Work

Relationships suffer and people do leave when they can’t cope with a loved one’s illness. Communicating our needs is the first part. Having commitment, patience and compassion are necessary characteristics our partners need and they don’t always come easily. Remembering that cancer is the adversary not each other is the first step.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kathy-Ellen Kups, RN

Kathy-Ellen is a Registered Nurse living in Michigan. In 2003, Kathy-Ellen was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. She was cancer-free from April 2004 until December of 2013 when it was discovered that...read more

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