Wedding bells are death knell for TV

THE recent National Census says that nearly as many people in Reading are single as married – and after watching the latest load of junk from ITV1 Secret Wedding (Tuesday and Thursday) I am not surprised!

Now I must cheerfully admit I missed out on the Tuesday programme when six decidedly unappealing women with remarkably odious names – Lorraine, Toria, Jody, Youlia, Bonnie and Sonia sobbed their hearts out for a ‘Yes, I will’ from their six bar-room boyfriends.

I caught up with Surprise Wedding, part two (ITV1, Thursday) in time to watch the stuck-on-the-shelf hopeful brides parading down the catwalk dressed in what looked like white Littlewoods catalogue wedding dresses to a tacky pre-recorded anthem.

They shuffled in to face the cameras and studio audience to implore in a well-scripted and rehearsed moment that made Blind Date look spontaneous, for their boyfriends to marry them. The intendeds hid behind a sliding door riveted to the spot by embarrassment as the women drivelled inanely on.

Too late mate to run off back to the arms of your real mates in the public bar – the brides-to-be and ITV1 have got you exactly where they want you.

As the boys David, Jodie, Jacob, James. Mick and Kem listened to their bleating, pleading women they had to decide – would they succumb or become numb?

Of course they would surrender, or why would the TV network have spent all that money on wedding frocks, rings, clergy and have invited the families along if there was any chance of one of them saying ‘no’ – and it was nearly Valentine’s Day wasn’t it?

The shackled couples were then pushed through a quickie ‘car wash’ marriage ceremony before any of the blokes had second thoughts. If only one, just one, had said: “Not bloody likely. Have you seen her mother?”

The whole sorry mess was hosted by RI:SE leftover Mark Durden-Smith – the presenter with the double-barrelled name who should have been given a double-barrelled shotgun to finish the whole miserable lot off with one aim of heavily-iced fruit cake from both barrells – and given Surprise Wedding a reception worthy of the Valentine’s Day Massacre.