Dating Advice #249 - Interrupted Courtship

Geographic restrictions have meant the fire has not caught on. A cause for concern?

I've been dating a guy for almost a year. We started dating when we both returned to the same home town, after the university academic year was over. We liked each other from the start, but our courtship was interrupted after six weeks because we each went away for summer activities. It was hard to keep up the momentum when the only way to keep in touch was by email and phone calls, but we tried our best.

When we returned home, we went back to our respective schools and faced another geographic separation. The way it works out, we usually see each other twice a month.

My concern is that I'm still not 100% sure he's the person for me. We are both growing in terms of our religious commitment, and we seem to be on the same page. He's a very good, kind, considerate person and there are so many things I admire about him, but like anyone else, he has faults. He also feels that he needs more time to be sure, and even though I feel the same way I am worried that this is a sign that something's wrong between us.

Is it normal to need so much time to know whether you've met the right person? I know that there are many people who date for years before they make a decision, but I have many friends who became engaged after just a few months!

I also wonder if some of my own issues are getting in the way of my being sure about him. My parents don't have the happiest marriage, so the idea of committing to someone for the rest of my life scares me a little. In addition, I sometimes get offended easily because I'm a little insecure, and I feel like I need reassurance.

In your experience, is it normal for a couple to not feel 100% after several months, if most of the time they have been dating over a long distance? Is our lack of certainty a sign that something is wrong?

Jenn

Dear Jenn,

Every dating couple is unique, and every relationship develops at its own pace. Even though you and this man are both strongly focused on dating for the purpose of finding the right person to marry, neither of you should expect that your relationship will follow the same timetable as others in your social circle. The circumstances of your courtship are very different from theirs, and you need to allow your connection to each other to develop at its own pace.

One of the main reasons why you two aren't moving forward as quickly as you would like is because of the inherent difficulty of developing a relationship over a distance. The momentum of your courtship was first interrupted because you'd previously arranged summer plans. Telephone and email are a good way to continue a courtship that has begun to grow, but a couple also needs to spend time together, and that didn't happen for several months. Then, no sooner did he return than you were both off to schools in different cities, and are only able to see each other twice a month. Given these circumstances, it's not surprising that it is taking a while for things to advance.

In addition, you're both in your early 20s and, as you point out, each of you is still developing your world view. It's good to be a growing person, and this is hopefully something each of you will be doing all of your lives. However, because you're young, you may be going through bigger changes in a shorter time than someone considerably older would experience. People continue to develop cognitively, emotionally, and morally into their early 20s, and this is an additional reason why it could be taking the two of you longer to be sure about each other.

Your parents' difficult marriage contributes to the insecurity you feel.

There's another reason why you are unsure about whether this man is the right person for you, and you're insightful enough to realize its significance. The fact that your parents had a difficult marriage certainly contributes to the insecurity you feel. It's common to have doubts about your own future marriage when you didn't grow up in a home situation you would like to emulate when you are a spouse and a parent.

Fortunately, most people who were raised in homes in which there wasn't enough harmony can go on to have successful marriages of their own. It doesn't happen automatically -- and in fact even people who come from well-adjusted families have to work at enriching and sustaining their relationships. However, men and women who come from more difficult situations have a little more work to do, because they don't want to model their relationship on what they observed growing up. They have to learn new roles, coping mechanisms, and interpersonal skills, and ways of thinking that they can then incorporate into the way they interact with others.

We customarily recommend that engaged people who are uncomfortable about the homes in which they were raised enroll in a workshop or short-term relationship counseling to help them develop good interactive, communication, conflict resolution, and empathic skills. In fact, this is good advice for every couple who is planning to marry.

It may be helpful for you to look into these programs even now, before you are ready to decide about your future. It will give you reassurance that when you decide someone is right for you, professionals can help the two of you immediately develop and enhance the skills that can enable you to have a great marriage.

There's something else that you can begin to address immediately. We'd like you to do some work on your self-esteem and your tendency to get hurt and offended easily. These traits can get in the way of healthy interactions between a husband and wife, and they can also keep you from clearly evaluating whether you and this man are right for each other. Often, a therapist or a self-esteem-building program can be very helpful in this area.

Getting married means you'll have to address logistical concerns.

One other factor that might be contributing to the difficulty you're having is that deciding to get married also means you'll have to address a number of logistical concerns. Will one of you have to change to a school in the other person's city, or can you finish your program quickly? Will you have to wait extra time to get married?

So what we're trying to say is that there are valid reasons why it is taking a while for you to acquire the clarity to know if you are right for each other. We recommend that you address your own personal issues and at the same time continue to see each other and enjoy the time you spend together. Try to change the setting of some of your dates, and have a few interactive experiences so that you can see how each other reacts in different situations. Give each of your dates a purpose, by taking the time to discuss each other's thoughts and feelings about a number of subjects that people who are thinking about marriage should talk about (see Dating Maze #164). Your discussions will give both of you more insight into each other's expectations, values, dreams, goals, and ways of thinking and responding to situations.

Hopefully, you'll see that you're continuing to grow in similar directions, enjoy each other's company, look forward to getting together, and sense that your connection to each other and acceptance of each other's imperfections are moving forward -- even though it is a slower process than your friends are experiencing.

Over time, you may be able to come to terms with his faults and realize that you can accept them as part of the "package." There's also a possibility that you'll realize that you're still bothered about his flaws of about the way you relate to each other. That will be an indication that as nice as this man is, he's just not right for you.

Usually, we encourage daters to grapple with these questions during the first several weeks of a courtship, because if they keep dating for months while the issues are unresolved, they may end up spinning their wheels. However, because of all of the factors we've already discussed, we're not surprised that it's taking you time, and it's okay.

Finally, we hope that you'll consider our suggestion to find someone you can trust and respect, and who has been happily married for at least a few years, to be your dating mentor. Your mentor can be a sounding board and offer a perspective that will help you gain the clarity that can enable you to make a decision about your future -- when the time is right.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2008 7:54 AM

Choosing the One to share one's life with should

not be a decision to enter lightly, and rushed. Too many divorces are based on rushed impulsive decisions. I know about this from my personal and professional experiences. My advice take your time follow your head not heart, and listen to your views not listen to others who may want to run your life. It is you only that must live with this man, no one else. Mazel and Brochot on what you decide to do.Signed:A Friend.

(2)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2008 9:59 AM

older singles dating

singles over 50 have a different criteria. They are looking for quality companianship, financial security and looking for a healhy mate. Since one gets more set in one's ways as we age, one has to know oneself well in order to make the proper choice. Not enough attention is given to older singles looking to marry by the religious community, matchmakers and friends. There has to be more networking and pooling of names nationwide.

(1)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2008 8:07 AM

There is no magic number..............

You are actually being wise for taking your time and not feeling rushed. It shows that you are self- conscientious and wary.Granted,we all need to be when dating someone with the potential of being our spouse.Don't cave into the social pressure to become engaged so soon just because your friends are. Perhaps they were ready and you are not.Dating takes a lot of comtemplation and decision making. If you need to protract your courtship with him in order to find out whether the both of you are compatible for each other, then do so. Its certainly better than rushing your courtship to a quick engagement, not giving yourself much time between the two only learning that he is incongruent with you after marriage which often concludes with a quick divorce. Date at your own pace but at one point of your relationship, you are both going to have to come to a mutual decision rather than to just inccesantly date without an aim or direction.Don't worry though; your turn will come as sure as I am typing my feedback on this issue.

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I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...