I need help forming the right words to explain something to WS. I talked about it in IC today, and thought I had it. But I tried explaining to him after IC, and I just don't feel like he's understanding what I'm trying to say.

I feel like it's a kind of silly issue, but it's become a big issue for us. I kept telling my IC that I feel stupid for even worrying about this, and she told me to never call myself stupid.

Anyway, it's dealing with facebook. He has been wanting me to list us as officially in a relationship on facebook. I don't feel ready to do this. I discussed it with IC today to figure out why I'm not ready. I'm not ashamed of the relationship, and I'm not trying to hide it from people. All of my close friends know that I'm with him. I just feel like doing that on facebook is making a public announcement or statement that I am healed and happy. I want to have inner peace with everything that happened in our relationship before I make that statement. When I said that to IC, she said it made perfect sense. We compared it to taking off and putting on your wedding rings, except we are not married. But when I'm trying to explain it to him, I don't think he's understanding.

I feel like he's hurt that I won't put it up there. I feel like he thinks I'm trying to hide him, or like I don't want other guys to know that I'm in a serious relationship. That's not it at all.

I want to be with him. But things are still a daily struggle. I have bad dreams most nights. I switch between feeling happy and sad and angry. The OW is constantly in the back of my mind.

His birthday is in two weeks, and he said that he wants me to list us as in a relationship on facebook as his present. I just don't feel ready to do that, but I also feel incredibly guilty for it. I don't want to hurt him. But I'm also just not ready to make that statement yet, because I don't feel like I have inner peace with everything that happened.

How do I explain this to him?

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Jul 2013

Rebreather♀ 30817Member # 30817

Posted: 1:02 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

You did explain it to him, and quite well, I might add, as I get it totally on the first try.

He just doesn't want to HEAR what you are saying, because it is all about him, instead of you. Your healing, your internal work, your comfort. He should be saying, "I understand you need to honor yourself. I will be patient and wait until you are ready and I am deserving."

But he's not, so you need to ask yourself why.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6872 | Registered: Jan 2011

Blobette♀ 36519Member # 36519

Posted: 1:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

Why on earth are you feeling guilty? Your DD is not that long ago, right? And to be honest, you don't really have to explain this to him so that he understands. You've given him a damn good reason -- you're not ready, and it's kind of manipulative that he should use his bday to push you into this.

My WH is doing the same thing re wedding rings -- your IC is spot-on! He keeps pushing me to wear one again. Well, I'm not going to do it until I really feel it, and he just has to deal with that.

He just doesn't want to HEAR what you are saying, because it is all about him, instead of you. Your healing, your internal work, your comfort. He should be saying, "I understand you need to honor yourself. I will be patient and wait until you are ready and I am deserving."

He did say "ok I understand." But then he also said something about how he's sorry that I'm not happy to tell people that I'm with him. And he said that it depresses him, and makes him want to cancel his account. I think he's trying, but I also think he's hurt. And I just don't want him to be hurt I guess. I want him to really understand what I'm saying. I think that if he understood it, he wouldn't feel hurt. So even though he says he understands, I don't think he does? Or maybe I'm over-analyzing it?

Completely agree with Rebreather. He cheated, broke your trust, caused you immense pain. His childish need for you to have a certain facebook relationship status is all about him. This should not be his priority right now...you should be. And it is pretty manipulative of him to ask for it as a birthday gift.

He can be hurt. That's his to own. You didn't do anything hurtful, you were honest and true to yourself. Sometimes in being true to ourselves, others will be hurt because we aren't doing what they want us to do. It's ok for them to be hurt, and it's ok for us to do what we need to do. There is no way you are going to make it through life without ever hurting someone. It isn't possible. It isn't wrong, it isn't right, it just IS. And it's ok. See if you can get to that place. It isn't up to you to ensure he is never hurt. That isn't your job. If he HEARD you, I think he wouldn't be hurt. But he is, so again, it isn't on you.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6872 | Registered: Jan 2011

Lonelygirl10♀ 39850Member # 39850

Posted: 1:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

That makes sense rebreather. I just love him, and don't want him to feel hurt. But you're right I guess. I don't think my motives or intent is bad. Hopefully he can think about it some and understand. I'm not even sure I completely understand it myself. I just know I want to feel some inner peace with the past before I'll be ready to do the Facebook thing.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Jul 2013

TxsT♀ 39996Member # 39996

Posted: 1:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

Dido for me too.....even though I am so exhausted today even I got it the first time!!!!!

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN

ladies_first♀ 24643Member # 24643

Posted: 2:21 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

Your healing is of primary importance now, given your single status.

I just love him, and don't want him to feel hurt.

Sounds like a relationship to me (although feeling responsible for his feelings is codependent behavior).

Question for you: Have you forgiven him?

I just feel like doing that on facebook is making a public announcement or statement that I am healed and happy.

I don't feel like I have inner peace with everything that happened.

I hear you. But I also *caution* you NOT to wait until your relationship is "perfect."

Because there are no perfect relationships (except on Facebook).

Don't over-think this! If your guy spends more than an hour a week on FB/social networking ... then he's making a relationship statement (NOT a marriage proposal).

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009

Lonelygirl10♀ 39850Member # 39850

Posted: 2:39 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

Sounds like a relationship to me (although feeling responsible for his feelings is codependent behavior).
Question for you: Have you forgiven him?

We are in a relationship. We are exclusively dating. All of my friends and coworkers know that.

No, I haven't forgiven him yet. I think I still have too much hurt and resentment for true forgiveness.

Don't over-think this! If your guy spends more than an hour a week on FB/social networking ... then he's making a relationship statement (NOT a marriage proposal).

We are in a relationship. We are exclusively dating. All of my friends and coworkers know that.

What about his friends and coworkers? He has the weak boundaries, presumably.

ETA: By context I meant that it sounds like you are using FB as a relationship barometer; he's using it as a social media tool to dissuade other women. Over in New Beginnings, most people use it for the latter -- to screen out people who are actively "in a relationship."

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Yeah... I'm guessing this is probably what he's thinking. I know it's easy to change statuses. I just feel like when I do that, when I press that button, it's saying to him that I forgive him and I'm over everything. And I'm not over it yet, not even close to being over it yet.

What about his friends and coworkers? He has the weak boundaries, presumably

I've thought about that. Part of me wants to do the whole FB thing in order to "claim" him and establish boundaries with his friends. But I look at the past, and the fact that I was labeled as "in a relationship" with him on FB was completely meaningless. The OW knew he was dating me. She didn't care. He didn't care. A FB status isn't going to stop future cheating. I guess the whole FB status thing seems so pointless to me now, even though it used to be important to me before the A.

ETA:

By context I meant that it sounds like you are using FB as a relationship barometer; he's using it as a social media tool to dissuade other women.

I don't think he's using it to dissuade other women. I don't know this for sure, but I think it's important to him because he wants other men to know I'm taken.

Print out this thread (removing any identifying SI references if this is your safe place) and share it with him.

Invite him to communicate with you.

Good luck,Lonelygirl10.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 4:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

I'm with Rebreather in her 2 posts.

He's not hearing you because you're ambivalent, and he's using that, perhaps not consciously, to try to get you to move.

Part of you is saying the FB relationship status is a) now virtually meaningless for you and b) to the extent it does mean something, you're not ready to brand yourself as his. I think that's healthy.

Another part of you sounds co-dependent - sort of believing/thinking/feeling that if you can keep him from hurting, you'll be safe in the relationship. You know that doesn't work, but you'll keep trying anyway. (And you're not alone. We probably all do some of that.)

You and he are separate people. You each have your own thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, etc., etc., etc. We connect deeply partly in spite of our separation and partly because of our separation.

The FB thing isn't nuanced. You either mark yourself or you don't. Even if you're split 50.0...1% one way and 49.9...9% the other, on FB it's 100% or 0%. Be yourself. Don't explain any further, because you've been crystal clear so far. Just tell him you've decided you're not ready to state your in a relationship with him. Be nice to him on his birthday, though.

If he can't be with you because you think a relationship is more than a status on FB, believe me, you don't need him.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 11262 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area

Lonelygirl10♀ 39850Member # 39850

Posted: 8:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013

Another part of you sounds co-dependent - sort of believing/thinking/feeling that if you can keep him from hurting, you'll be safe in the relationship. You know that doesn't work, but you'll keep trying anyway. (And you're not alone. We probably all do some of that.)

I'm feeling very frustrated tonight. After I read Rebreather's response, I tried to just realize that I'm not responsible for his hurt and I can't always avoid hurting him. But easier said than done... I know him, and I know how he is when he's feeling hurt or upset. It's little things that I pick up on. His text messages get short and polite. He'll say "love you" instead of "I love you." He just gets distant. When we were in MC, he acknowledged that he gets distant (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not), and told me to call him out on it if I notice him doing it. So I sent an email tonight calling him out on it, and just told him that I love him.

After that, I had to do dinner with my parents. They are in town this week, and they only visit once a year. While at dinner, I got a message from him that he was taking a nap. It immediately sent me in a panic, and I got this sickening feeling in my stomach. He used the "nap" excuse during A when he was with OW.

I'm struggling with how to deal with my guilt over hurting him. In MC, he discussed that the main reason he cheated was because he was feeling lonely or insecure, or feeling like I was going to leave him. I knew he was feeling lonely and rejected tonight because of the FB thing, and then he said he was taking a nap. Big trigger for me.

I know that I can't fix him feeling lonely or insecure. That's his problem, not mine. But I guess my problem is this need I feel to take care of him and make him feel secure. It's partly because I want him to be happy. And partly because I'm scared of what he'll do if he's not happy. I honestly don't think that he'll cheat again. I know he regrets it. I know he would change the past if he could. But I'm also scared.

It makes me want to change my FB status just so he'll be happy and feel secure. Right now I feel like there's this huge distance between us that I don't know how to cross. I know rationally that it's not my fault, but I'm feeling like it's my fault because I could do something really easily to fix the problem (changing the status on FB).

Be nice to him on his birthday, though.

Yeah, I love birthdays. I love all holidays. I love giving presents. This year I'm really struggling on what to get him. I'm still feeling hurt I guess, but I want his birthday to be special.