ME: Oh, I’m just looking through the job classifieds, gotta keep the job options open you know, don’t want to miss out on any great opportunities.

HER: Anything look good in there?

ME: I don’t know, not much so far, I’m definitely not cut out for any of this corporate shit… lots of stuff that I don’t really understand what it is… like here’s one… Senior Marketing Associate Lead Director of Engineering Marketing and Advertising… man, that job sounds hard… what the fuck do you think that guy does?

HER: I don’t know, probably something to do with Marketing, they used that word twice… but you’d probably have to wear a tie, it’s been a long time since you’ve had to wear a tie… whenever you have a tie on you are always yanking and pulling on it like it’s a noose or something… not sure that one is right for you.

ME: Yeah, probably not… here’s another one… E-Commerce Senior Web Merchant Generalist Director Junior Analyst… wow, whoever gets that job must have to have like eight Degrees… and man, these poor mother-fuckers must all have seriously big business cards.

HER: It’s not the length of the title that matters… it’s the girth of the card!

HER: Okay… anyway, that last one… yeah, probably not a great fit for you either.

ME: How about this… Vice President of Advanced Virtual Communications Media Development Relations and Essential Quality Digital Product Branding. Holy smokes, that’s the top of the frickin’ ladder… sounds like a lot of reponsibility… wonder what that guy does?

HER: Yeah… uhhh, I don’t know… but not sure you’re vice president material… you’re more of a small business guy.

ME: Yeah you’re probably right… and there’s the whole tie thing.

HER: Yeah, all those paisley ties you used to wear in the 80’s… not gonna cut it anymore.

ME: Here’s one I think I might like… Executive Director of Analytical Java Coordination Strategy Development… shit, I’d be good at that… I fucking love coffee!

ME: YEAH! That would be frickin’ awesome, wouldn’t it? Excuse me though… I’d prefer to be called Senior Executive Vice President of Amish Furniture Maker Marketing and Kid’s Book Writer Development and Cave Dweller Analyst Campfire Guitarist… anyone that’s as smart and handsome and charming as me would be a shoo-in for that job!

I’ve always been fond of “Imaginary Artist.” You just sit around all day and imagine artwork. Then, when the time comes (and the time has to be just perfect) you describe it to people. They “oh and ah” about the potential, because that’s what it is – potential. You represent potential, and people need that. That’s why they come to you. Without imaginary art, there would only be just plain art, and we’ve got plenty of that already. It’s the potential masterpieces that are lacking. You could probably spend time at an art gallery describing your mental art to paying listeners. As a bonafide”Virtual Mental Potentiator” your services would be sought out. It’s not what you did, it’s what you could do that would interest people.

I scratch my nuts all day, it’s just not part of my job and unfortunately I don’t get paid extra for it, although for my next job–if I ever get one–I think I’m going to make sure that that’s in the job description. . . :)

I plan to won the lotto… I think I’m a shoo in for it! Wish me luck! And good luck to you for your Amish nut scratcher campfire guitarist interview. I think that actual job title is camp counsellor. ;)

I know of a job that somebody has that needs to find you….a “Publisher”…you need to be a writer man. It’s so amazing the things you think of & come up with. Kinda the reason I think Steven Spielberg is so good at directing movies…the things he thinks of to put in them…example: in Saving Private Ryan…when they jumped out of the boats to walk to shore & the camera was popping in & out of the water along with the sound. It made you feel like you were seeing with that guys eyes. Nobody else would have thought of that! Great job once again buddy!

Thats what you need to do…write a script…won’t have to worry about the language & I think they are up to like 6-8 mil per! I started one like 15 years ago..threw down like 60-70 pages & haven’t touched it since! Would love to finish it someday!

I friggin’ love your dialogues. And I’m painfully sober AND this is hilarious.

Considering the apparent popularity of nut scratchin’ (count me in – with your non scratchin’ hand, preferably) , maybe we could start like a nut scratchin’ think tank or something. We could apply for some sort of government subsidy and write policy papers on it. Just a thought.

Yes, it would absolutely be fun to just to be able to write… and yes after roughly 24 years together my wife pretty much knows everthing about me, nutty-ness and all… that’s ok… it’s why we get along so well.

Seriously funny piece and contemporary too. You could probably get it published at The Cynic Magazine.

It does seem like all the want ads in the paper these days are for top executives. That seems odd, since I thought companies were getting rid of over paid administrators.

Rule of thumb: If you don’t know what it is, you probably can’t do it. That’s right next to this rule: If you have to ask how much, you can’t afford it. Followed by: If you don’t need the instructions, then you’re a professional.

UNOFFICIAL COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Seriously, I'm not making any money off of this and likely never will, what are the chances you are gonna make any money off of this? Can't you write your own crappy shit? But if you do happen to find something funny or interesting, and want to re-post it, just ask, I'm down with that as long as I'm given appropriate credit. Or if you want to link-up (no, not hook-up, link-up you creep), that's cool too. Just don't steal my stuff and pretend it's your own... you'll most likely just alienate your friends and family and end up living "in a van down by the river." And then I might have to sic my goats on you!

The Brown Road Chronicles · Stories about country living, old houses, dirt roads, fresh air and other amusing (and possibly even inspirational) anecdotes!