A blog about the Big Four of the English Premier League

Fantasy Football, Bloody Hell!

Ducky’s Note: This bugger preempted me and wrote a note to my note. So now I’m going to post-preempt him, and not write him a note. Suffice to say, he’s been mentioned here before. And he’s a Chelsea fan.

Lighter’s Note to Ducky’s Note: Did Ducky mention very smart, very funny and very single?

I get to pick fifteen men and then, ‘play’ with them?

– Oscar Wilde on Fantasy Football.

Are you a fantasy football addict? If no, go back to Facebook. We don’t need your kind here. If yes, then read on!

Suppose:

1) You celebrated like nuts when Torres put in 3 against Hull. Then you made sure there was no one looking.

2) You have had the following dream or variations thereof:

“After 73 minutes, it’s 0-0 at Stamford bridge. And Ashley Cole is taken off and Ancelotti brings on Belleti … 1-0 Sunderland! Turner puts Sunderland in front. Assist to Cattermole … Darren Bent doubles the lead! Cattermole with the assist … Turner has picked up a slight knock … Bruce is playing it safe. Sunderland substitution; Turner off … And it’s Lampard with a hat-trick in stoppage time to salvage 3 points at the Bridge!” (This, popularly known as a fantasy footballer’s wet dream, also known as “Having your cake and eating it too”, would give you a total of roughly 50 points.)

3) Your brother broke into your fantasy football account and played your transfer wild-card in game week four. The same week, you had an epiphany. You will die alone.

And the former depressed you more. (In case you were wondering, yes, true story.)

4) Darren Fucking Bent.

Then, there is no denying it. You sir, are an addict. Who knows, next, you might actually pay for porn.

With the FA following in the footsteps of the internet’s biggest service industry and deciding that streaming is the way to go, I was left wondering why ThrowsLikeAGirl FC is not doing as well as she should be. While Sonu Niigaam suggested a change of name to ThroowwsLiiiikAGurl FC to appease Saturn, I was sure that there was a better way.

So after a lot of analysis, this is what…

The Pundit Recommends

(Note that what follows is of a predictive nature. But predictions are like haemorrhoids. And every asshole has got one.)

Leighton Baines: Everton’s defence did make a shaky start to the season. But with new signings Distin, Heitinga slowly settling in, Leighton Baines should be high on your list of defenders to watch out for. Add to that, the fact that he takes set pieces and given the likes of Tim Cahill in the box, Baines should chalk up a regular series of assists. And with 0.2 million off his starting price, now might be a good time to pick him up at 6.3 million.

Michael Turner: Anyone who followed Wigan last year would have noticed what a great job Steve Bruce did with their defence. Given that Bruce has chosen to build this team with two defensive minded, tough-tackling midfielders in the form of Cana and Cattermole, it is safe to expect the clean sheets to roll in sooner rather than later. Plus, Turner was the defender with the most goals last season. And at 4.5 million, he’s a steal.

James Milner: Villa tend to launch quite a few attacks from the wings. And with Ashley Young currently having the same odds of scoring as a certain B.Tech undergrad at IIT, James Milner, at 7 million will be a good addition to any squad.

Yossi Benayoun: Opinions are mixed when it comes to picking anyone from the Liverpool midfield who is not Stevie G. But, with Xabi Alonso looking a better player with every game he does not play for the Scouse, Benayoun does seem to be closest to filling in that creative hole. He looked dangerous when he came on at the Bridge. And he will provide the assists and chip in with the goals when he starts. IF he starts.

Didier Drogba: Call him a drama queen. Call him a disgrace. But he is nothing short of world class striker. And with him being involved in almost every Chelsea goal, the big question over his consistency seems to have been answered. At 11 million, he ain’t cheap. But barring serious injury or a Torres goal streak, I’d stick him in there with…

Darren Bent: If you haven’t picked Him yet, maybe you’re just racist.

Now that you’ve made those killer buys, you’ve got to ask yourself the question:

What are they still doing in my squad?

(While most players in ThrowsLikeAGirl FC qualify, these are some players you should particularly consider dropping.)

Glen Johnson: He started out brilliantly with goals, assists and clean sheets. But Liverpool are now consistently leaking goals, in large parts because Carragher has not been great. So, with the clean sheets looking like a rarity, and the goals also getting harder to come by, consider unloading Magic Johnson while the price is high. Vermaelen might be a good replacement, considering he is Arsenal’s highest goal scorer.

Frank Lampard: Much as I hate to admit this, Lampard has yet to settle into Ancelotti’s diamond. And with those characteristic late runs still missing, Fabregas, with some juicy home games lined up in the near future seems a better prick pick.

Tim Cahill: Mr. Boxing Man is yet to deliver any sort of a boxing day present to those who have him. Everton’s ‘Best Striker who wasn’t’ last season is being pretty darn anonymous in most games this season. And to get ‘2 points for 90 Minutes played’ from him, you don’t need to spend all of that 8+ Million. That’s a practically negative Return on Investment.

Wayne Rooney: I expected Rooney, in a more central role, to be very involved in most of United’s attacks. And he was. But there have been a couple of two point game weeks now and Berbatov seems to be hitting some vein of form as well. There is a fine line between keeping the faith and “You don’t know what you’re doing!” Just ask Big Sam Allardyce. And with United’s tendency of scoring from different parts of the pitch, the smart money really is on Drogba or Torres.

@Nushi
My point exactly. _If_ you are playing 3 up top, perfect. 🙂
Either ways, Bent is a blind pick.

@Sample:
There are issues with recommending keepers da.
One, it’s tough to call.
Second, both the Stoke and Birmingham keepers have done really well and both are cheap as shit.
Thirdly, if you _still_ have Schwarzer,, then bugger for you.

I really don’t think Baines is a good pick. For starters I think he is about 6.5 mil, and although he may pick up goals, everton flat out don’t keep clean sheets which cuts off his main source of points. An Aston Villa defender might be a better bet, cos they tend to score and are cheaper.
Also James Milner is not going to be a continous source of points. He may have the odd good week but, their creativity stems primarily from Young or the forwards. Gabby in particular looks in good touch

@Sharan:
Hindsight is 20-20. I actually agree with you on the Baines thing. Dunne might be a better pick. Actually, I left Dunne on the bench this week. God hates me I think.
But I disagree on Milner. Young maybe better in the “long” run but in fantasy football, 3-4 game weeks is a long time.

i had an exam at 8am on friday morning…..but at 5am i decided to finally create my fantasy football team. so i went through the painful process of registering and creating a profile….
i spent an hour on making my team based on the league stats on all the teams courtesy goal.com
it got so out of hand that i left for and from the exam with the same thought in my head : “Arshavin or Fabregas?? Who will be in my midfield?!?!” turns out the difference was only two points so I lived.
Cutting to the end, I came back from a healthy diwali dinner and checked the fantasy stats at midnight to find out that i topped game week 9…..
for the first time in my life i felt both like a winner and a loser.
thank you bigfourza….i have something to do in my final year…..and it’s bloody addictive !!!!!

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