Link to Hyrule: You’re On Your Own

HYRULE—Link, famed Hero of Time and Savior of the Golden Realm, announced today that he is “fed up” with the people of Hyrule, and has told them that they can fend for themselves in the future.

“In order to Navigate Ganon’s nefarious dungeons and recover the Triforce, I need a blue candle to light my way,” Link explained. “I am literally trying to save the world, but no shopkeeper in Hyrule will sell me one for under sixty rupees. It’s wartime profiteering, plain and simple.”

Local shopkeepers were outraged at Link’s announcement.

“Listen, I gots the same three items I always carry. I gots my blue candle, my big honkin shield, and a chunk of meat from a questionable source. I ain’t never dropped my prices before, and no good-for-nothing “Hero-of-Time” is gonna be making me.”

“If we drop our prices,” said another local shopkeeper, “Ganon has already won.”

Despite the shopkeepers’ bravado, Link remains one their most valued/only customers. If he institutes a personal boycott, it could spell disaster for Hyrule’s economy.

“Listen,” Link said. “I found a moblin’s secret hideout, and he just straight up gave me one hundred rupees.” But my own people won’t sell me a magic ring to help me NOT DIE unless I fork over two hundred and fifty rupees. It just makes you wonder whose side they’re on.”

Despite Link’s financial concerns, he is rumored to spend a great deal of time at the local Money Making Game. When asked his opinion on these matters, Link’s mentor, Old Man, had only this to say: “Eastmost peninsula is the secret.” It is unclear to what he is referring.