The long-awaited UK version of So You Think You Can Dance gets recapped in excruciating detail by two people who love the US version possibly a bit too much.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

So You Think You Can Eat The Scabs Off Kirsty's Feet?

Top 20: 23rd April 2011

Welcome to "So You Think You Can Dance?". This recap has been written so that you can enjoy it later, at a time that suits you. Unfortunately Cat on the other hand, is trapped inside that leopard-print hoodie monstrosity from last week for all eternity.

Last Week : Kate Prince got her Archers on, Luke & Shane were upside-down vampires, lots of people ran around in white nighties with the same hair-do like the video for Wuthering Heights but shit, Matt tapped and everyone else in his group felt the cool breeze of a bus going over their foreheads, and Cabbage Alice, Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and Cheekbones Ryan all threw glitter at one-another and grinned, but in the end it was for naught, and the current Blue Peter presenter line-up remained intact.

All that however, is now irrelevant, as the COMPETITION STARTS HERE. Everyone's been paired up at random (*cough*) via the means of Cat's Hat, they'll perform once each, and one boy and one girl will GO HOME. Meaning they will no longer be in the running to win the grand prize of a holiday to Disneyland, whatever we can get from the judges handbags in a whipround, the title of Britain's Nicest Dancer, and the So You Think You Can Dance chequebook and pen. [And a cuddly toy! - Steve]

SOYA THICKENER CAN DANCE!

Once the credits are over, and the last bits of that hip-hop dancer who flies into the camera at the end have been scraped off the lens, it's time to meet our Top Twenty. Again. All of them. In case you'd forgotten, or you don't trust wikipedia (and who can blame you given that it currently lists Bethany-Rose's genre as being "ballet") they are :

Cabbage Alice : who has an unfortunate red dye-job and thinks she looks like Rihanna

Charlie Whee! : who this show is trying to make into Beiber 2.0 - the Poshening and who does Contortion Hip-Hop

Bethany-Rose Lee : Who didn't quite make Top 14 last year, and possibly won't this year either

Gian Luca Loda : Who is Italian and nothing more

Charlotte The Barmaid : Who I actually remember not hating at one point in my past history (imagine that could be a thing that was!)

Israel Donowa : Who murdered Gay Bruce lest we forget.

Danielle Cato : Who suddenly became Not-Fodder last week, like a moth emerging from a chrysalis BUT WITH SOME GLITTER ON ITS WINGS

AndrogyLee : If he doesn't do a solo to "Dude Looks Like A Lady" at some point I will be very disappointed

Katie Love : Follows Arlene around all day going "Are You My Mummy?" in a creepy child's voice

Lee-Boy : Welsh and likes rolling around on the floor, which is always a good combination from my perspective

Katrina Ballerina : *Pre-emptive fit of the giggles*

Angry Luke : Can get his leg up over his head, believes walking has a place in dancing, SO MANY FEELINGS

Fat Deaf Old Kirsty : Like Pineapple Dance Studios, BUT REAL

MATTFLINTMANIA : Winning, and not in a Charlie Sheen way

Generic Paige : Shy, like Lizzie, and the comparisons end there

Cheekbones Ryan : Can we please try to get him eliminated ON HIS BIRTHDAY?

Fierce Rithy : Just finalising the wording on the retraining order against Cat as she dances.

Australian Shane : *sigh*

Professional Stephanie : Sadly bereft of Zombie Slave Boys this week

Tom : The Other Tapper

And that's all we've got time for on So You Think You Can...oh ok, not really, but it does go on rather. I'm glad they were in alphabetical order so I could prepare myself for it ending and the re-entry into the programme proper. Once they're done doing bad flirting with each other across a cavernous space, Cat srruts out and shows them all how bad flirting is REALLY done, as they all skitter back to their holding pen as she wobbles her boobs at them and honks "OIM DOING A SHIMMAY!". I am a Midlander too. I feel her pain. It's not the best accent to try to hook up with. [Hey, it worked on me. - Steve]

She welcomes us all to the show and sadly informs us that tonight we're going to have to brace ourselves and find it in our hearts to cut two of the 428 dancers we're starting the competition with. I CAN'T CAT, THEY'RE ALL SO AMAZING! She cracks a joke that Doctor Who has it easy compared to the terror the contestants will face tonight (although much like Doctor Who, I'm going to forget everything that I've seen the second I take my eyes off it), PARTICULARLY THE JUDGES OH MY GOD THE TERROR.

Sisco Gomez : dressed like a cross between a sea-urchin and a lychee

Louise Redknapp : Looking like she's mistaken a waffle-iron for a sun-bed

Arlene Phillips : Wearing a chunky bike-chain round her neck and more bizarre tonight than I've ever seen her and that's saying something

Nigel Lythgoe : Reliably the same from show to show.

As they're introduced they get the standard array of whoops and whistles, and then Nigel wishes everyone a very happy Easter. I wish I could appreciate it, but my bum-hole is already puckering at all the horrific shoe-horned in Royal Wedding references we're going to get next week. I'm already envisioning a group number with Lee-Boy gingered up as a body-popping Prince Harry, Katie Love as Momma Middleton, and Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and AndrogyLee as the happy couple. Which way round, only you can determine.

Nigel then spends a good minute and a half explaining to the audience that if you vote for someone, it makes them less likely to go home. THANKS NIGEL! Cat mops up the rest, by explaining that we're voting for couples this evening. The two couples with the fewest viewer-votes will be split up to dance four solos. The judges will then send home one boy and one girl, the survivors then fused together to make a new couple, which will advance onwards, still probably doomed.

First couple? Cheekbones Ryan and Professional Stephanie looking very Top Shop indeed. They will be dancing..."Commercial". Which I think is a new genre for this show. Let's see how they explain what this one is then... Stephanie starts their combined VT saying that last week was a wonderful feeling for her, because everyone loved the Contemporary Piece she was a thoroughly anonymous part of. Meanwhile we cut to Ryan saying that conversely he HATED last week, as we cut to a clip of him pointing to his bum and shaking it up and down. This was part of the dance incidentally, not Ryan's commentary on it. It was kind of mine. He says that this means he's got a lot to prove this week. Oops.

Hat pick now, and all the girls are still in costume from their Birds Of Vague Empowerment routine last week. The boys sadly are not still in costume from THEIR group-number. Bloody BBC. Stephanie stomps out awkwardly, and stands there waiting to hear who Cat has match-maked her with, as we cut to Ryan gazing wistfully at her like a community-theatre Mr Knightly, like we're supposed to think this is FATE. When his name is finally called, they both leap up and down screaming and he gushes about what an AMAZING partner he has. AMAZING. It's quite sweet, given how obviously doomed they are in hindsight.

Commercial is being choreographed by Paul Domaine, who did the Jazz Vampires routine last week, so it's blatantly what was deemed "Pop-Jazz" last year eg Dancing To Do Behind Pop Stars. Paul Domaine explains this himself in not so many words : it's a fusion between jazz dancing and street dancing apparently. Jazzing in the street. In rehearsal Ryan clearly struggles and whines that it's really haaaaaaaaard. He's having to relearn a whole new style of lifting, and forget all of his technique. And grammatic structure by the sounds of it. Cue lots of shots of him dumping Stephanie on her arse and her laughing about it. Backstage she laughs that she feels like she's partnered with a furry/fairy (?) elephant given all the grunting and noises he's making, as Ryan simpers slightly that's she actually really EASY to lift. Stephanie demands that he write this down, so she can get it laminated and STAPLE IT TO HIS FOREHEAD.

Ryan became one of Stephanie's subservient Male Slave Zombies so easily didn't he? I think it's best for him that got out here, otherwise he'd be stuck following her for the rest of her life, manning a wind-machine to help her make grand-entrances to glamorous clubs/Netto. YOU'RE NEXT GIAN LUCA.

We cut now to an empty studio before the performance, as Ryan and Stephanie hug one another in delight and grin dementedly about how the lighting for the routine is spectacular, and exciting, and outrageous, and contagious, and amazing, and it's fierce, and it's going to come out into the audience and make Stephanie and Ryan feel like popstars. Ryan semi-ironically quips that they'll be J-Lo and Justin. Stephanie guffaws, with her face fully clearly reading that she knows that they're H & Claire at best. Ryan closes by saying that he really wants to get it right, and doesn't want to go home tonight.

OOPS.

They're dancing to "On The Floor" by American Idol Judge Jennifer Lopez and...I really hate when shows go down this route with critique, so excuse my massive hypocrisy, but I can't help but feel that the biggest problem with the routine is that Ryan is serving up the least convincing portrayal of heterosexual desire I think I've seen outside of a Carry On film. The routine is clearly supposed to be carried mostly by the chemistry, and Ryan's face is reading entirely "yes mamma, shake it! Capital knockers! Loving your vagina! Can't wait to get me a slice of those labia!". There's one section in particular where he creeps up behind her, rips open her top and smooshes her boobies, which would get at least fifteen complaints by worried Christians to OFCOM if it was done by ANYBODY else, but such is the lack of heat that it passes on unremarkably. I think Ryan and Stephanie could have (awkward, abortive, him looking at Australian Shane in the wings the whole time) actual penetrative sex on the stage and the most they'd get is a raised eyebrow.

Anyway, yes, the lack of chemistry shows the choreography up as being quite flimsy, the lasers play, it's all a bit awkward.

They finish by throwing themselves flat out on the floor, if only to make me feel a bit bad because...they did try. Cat pulls them and calls them over, whittering about how she remembers "big fish, little fish, cardboard box" from "back in the day". Whenever Cat's day was. I think it was a Thursday. Cat asks Nigel to begin the critique. He begins with an "erm...". Well, quite.

He goes on to say that they were over-shadowed by the lighting, and in fact that was the best part of the routine. He says that Ryan clearly has no love or feel for the music, and whilst Nigel isn't really sure what Commercial is, he knows it wasn't that. Sisco explains to the old man nicely that it's "pop culture", so Ryan's clearly WELL out, unless by Pop culture you mean enthusing about Joss Whedon on internet messageboards. Stephanie then gets slagged for not dancing in heels, and also having a sloppy leg in her pirouette.

Arlene starts her crit by yelling "I WANT DYNAMITE WITH A LASERBEAM!" to no reaction whatsoever. Oh Arlene. [♥ - Steve] She tells Stephanie that she had a lot of attitude when strutting around, but when it came to the lifts her nerve deserted her. She advises her - "when your feet fail you: use your face". Arlene's First Law Of Pub-Fights there. She also slags Stephanie for not wearing heels, and also for not bedding down into the music, because "anyone can bed in with J-Lo". Looking at Marc Anthony, that is kind of the conclusion I'd reached as well. Louise follows by saying that she loved the atmosphere they created, but she thinks nobody's going to remember this routine in an hour's time. Mostly because they'll still be talking about the "chimney sweep's fart" effect employed by whoever was doing your make-up Louise.

Sisco closes by saying that he's a gonna keep it real, and it'll get him into trouble, but he thought Ryan & Stephanie did great given the shitty choreography they were given. Ryan whoops and yells "YEAH! SISCO!" meaning he's just put himself on Paul Domaine's shit-list. No sexy vampires for you Ryan. Sisco says that he wishes them luck, particularly Stephanie, cause she's amazing. Nigel starts blithering and shouting, clearly trying to keep his jazz-choreographer in the room and not storming out in a huff, but Cat ignores him to give out Ryan and Stephanie's number. Oh, we'll be hearing about this later.

Next couple are Matt Flint and Charlotte Scally, as the audience scream their lungs out for MATTFLINTMANIA! Cat says that she feels like there's a slight touch of confusion in the air. Did someone show Charlotte a globe and she started panicking that all the Australians are going to fall off? POOR SHANE! They will be performing something called a...foxtrot?

In their VT we're both reminded that last week both Matt and Charlotte BLEW THE JUDGES AWAY (well...Charlotte didn't, but that's how it's edited so erm...POWER COUPLE! FLINTSCALLYMANIA!) and now they're lucky enough to be paired together in form a super-team of judge-pleasing eleganza. Charlotte gushes about how happy she was to be paired with Matt (who wouldn't be, eh ladies?) but then we're shown them getting their dance choice. Which is foxtrot.

THE HORROR!

Cat : FOXTROT IS THE KISS OF DEATH!

Matt : Foxtrot? FOXTROT?! Sounds poofy to me. We dunt have foxtrot in t'North. Ah'm from Scarborough - we don't do ballroom, and we dunt have Google neithers so I can't be proved wrong in 5 seconds.

Scally : WHAT'S A FOXTROT? IS IT A MAKE OF CAR? HERP DERP BERP *walks into window*

I am clearly missing something about foxtrot, because it's the easiest dance on Strictly (it is, sorry, they give you 20 points for turning up), and it's never eliminated someone on this show. Why are they making such a big deal of it? It's so easy it's being taught to the couples by Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jaci from Strictly of old, who aren't even specialist ballroom teachers so far as I'm aware. Anyway, Shouty Salsa Chris marches in yelling his head off about how hard foxtrot is, and how Matt and Charlotte are really going to have to push to portray elegance, and the story of the routine is a girl who is just a figment of the guy's imagination, just like Mute Jaci.

Matt mumbles on that they don't have elegance in the North and Charlotte does an awful fake posh accent and this is giving me a headache, can we move on please?

Out on stage, and clearly she was right to worry/mug for days about her elegance, because she really isn't showing an awful lot in the routine (to "The Way You Look Tonight"). It might be the candy-floss pink dress, or the fact that her hair has been done by the same person who has apparently done all the girls hair tonight, but she seems a bit juvenile and her movements are a bit clumsy. He's really good when he's on his own (there's a nice shoe-shuffling solo at the beginning that has very little to do with the foxtrot, but which is nice anyway), but he does get pulled into her leadenness when they're together, and the stuff in hold is a bit clumpy. S'alright I guess, but I don't think this sort of stuff is her ballpark, and it pulled him down a bit. They close with a lift that starts well, but dissolves into her clumping off him with her dress all over his face, then she disappears off into the ether.

Cat calls them over, with Charlotte still giggling and snorfling about how she loves her dress and she doesn't even know what a foxtrot IS, IS THAT BAD? Yes Charlotte. Yes it is. Arlene starts for the judges, saying that Matt just made foxtrot the hottest dance in Scarborough. Matt...it looks like he waggles his crotch in response. I guess he knows how to work Arlene. She carries on that technically it was crap, but they made up for it by making the dance "movie star possible". Indeed. Louise next, and Cat informs her that her face was like *this* throughout (*this* being "a seven year old's beatific devotion to Donny Osmond"). I feel we should circumvent Louise actually speaking for all her critique in future, and just have Cat interpret her faces like Marlee Matlin's signer.

Louise's actual critique? Foxtrot is REALLY HARD but they made it look great. Also Matt is like, really pretty and thing. MATTFLINTMANIA! Sisco follows by saying that he loves Matt's lines and extensions, and that he never knew that Scally could be so elegant. Who knew that chalk and cheese went together so well? I do! Try them in a sandwich Sisco. In large quantities. You'll be BLOWN AWAY. Maybe even add some potato! And grit! Nigel closes by saying that foxtrot is a piece of piss and that QUICKSTEP is the true kiss of death. Oh and foxtrot and tap are really close together, and Fred Astaire did both, so this should have been no trouble for Matt. Nigel is OFF-PISTE tonight I tell you. Oh and he's no going to call Charlotte "Ginger Scally". I don't know Nigel - even in that video where she got molested by a silver midget alien spaceman, Geri was never quite THIS annoying. He closes by saying that he thought there were good technical parts - the rise and fall, the chassis, but this only prompts Arlene to start pointing out that the hold was god-awful, so we move swiftly on.

Next couple are Lee-Boy and Katie Love, Lee-Boy looking as awkward as humanly possible, which is about average for someone stood next to Katie Love, who is currently impersonating a cheery manga. They will be dancing Lyrical Hip-hop, which can only mean one thing...

Yes it's my own personal nemesis, Kate Prince. Yay. But first, Lee-Boy says that his favourite part of last week's show was performing topless, which combined with the accent give me happy Gavin Henson flashbacks. Katie Love says, much like a cannibal's first taste of human flesh, she never knew she'd love performing on live tv as much as she did. I can see this being...a pairing. Lee says he's very happy with his partnership this week, and also with the fact that, one week after Nigel said that we'd possibly never see any of the hip-hoppers ever hip-hopping again...one of them is hip-hopping.

My Nemesis Kate Prince explains to us that this routine is about two flatmates who have always harboured secret sex-feelings for one another, and one day over breakfast, their feelings COME ALIVE. Has anyone ever revealed their secret long-held feelings for one another over cornflakes? I have never had secret sex-feelings for a flatmate, but surely it's more of a "taking the piss out of Judge Judy" sort of route to reveal? Now THERE would be a routine. Arlene could be Judge Judy. Sisco could be the perp. Lee-Boy and Katie Love could make out for the first time as Judge Judy yells "WRONG! YOUR CASE IS DISMISSED! GOODBYE!"

The two of them struggle a bit with their characters, so Kate Prince asks them what they think their motivations are. Lee-Boy says he's chasing after Katie Love. Katie Love says that she thinks she's teasing Lee-Boy (SURPRISE!). She illustrates this by wiggling her bum at him and yelling "COME ON! LOOK AT THAT!". I could grow to not mind Katie Love. Kate Prince chews Lee-Boy out mildly for not expressing enough emotion (again, Henson flashbacks), and Lee interviews that it's very difficult for him to portray love when he doesn't feel it as a true emotion towards Katie Love? How could you NOT be feeling love for Katie Love? It's her NAME and her entire existence and everything. She's lying back and imagining Arlene Lee-Boy, clue yourself in and do likewise. (Incidentally, there is a packet of Kelloggs cornflakes in this rehearsal room, (OH YES, THERE ARE PROPS!) and the BBCs blurring out of it is hysterically bad.)

In order to improve their chemistry, Lee-Boy makes Katie Love breakfast in bed and does goo-goo eyes at her ineptly. And by "makes", I mean he pours orange juice into a glass, bran flakes into a bowl, and yoinks a fruit-bowl off a hotel lobby reception desk. He brings her the breakfast, and they both pretend to not hate one another as "Love Is In The Air" plays on the sound-track, reminding me we haven't had any hilariously appropriate "Love" related song-choices for Katie Love yet. Maybe "(Katie) Love In An Elevator"? "(Katie) Love Hangover"? "(Katie) Love Will Tear Us Apart, And Then Feast On Our Flesh"?

Out to the stage now, and as usual for a Kate Prince routine, if you squint, you can just about see the dancers around the props. There's a fridge, a table, two stools, four bowls, and a packet of cornflakes. All of these are used in various ridiculous ways throughout. The routine is to "Starry Eyed" by Ellie Goulding, which is actually a decent choice, and gives the storyline of the routine more shape than the choreography does. [As much as I liked the music for this, when they walked out in pyjamas rubbing their eyes, I was kind of hoping for 'Tik Tok' by Ke$ha. - Steve] For a start, they start under the table which makes me think they've shagged already. Although maybe that's how the kids do things these days. Anyway, Katie Love and Lee-Boy munch on their cornflakes, then get a pure LSD hit from the drugs their other flatmate hid in there, and then they starts running round the kitchen trashing the place and shagging up against the fridge, possibly, I don't know. If I had flatmates who revealed their secret sex-feelings all over their cornflakes I'd probably be grateful if they cleaned up after themselves.

In terms of the performance, she's out-performing him, but I think he might have her technically, at least on the hip-hop elements. They're both pretty good though, even if she does possibly shatter her coccyx failing to hop herself up on one of the dumb props, I forget which one, at the end. Oh and when they kiss it's the most obvious case of stage "my lips are TIGHT together and smashing into your philtrum" from him I've seen in a while. Pretty good, would be better without all the bits I attribute to Kate Prince.

Cat calls them over, and asks Katie Love if that's how she wakes up every morning (/calls Katie Love a massive slag). Katie Love agrees. Sisco starts for the judges by saying that Katie Love was a star out there on the stage, and she was in character from the first second of the routine. Lee on the other hand, needs to "pull up", because he just got schooled in his own genre by a contemporary dancer. I would have thought, looking at their collective pants, pulling up was anathema to hip-hoppers (/Old Man). Katie Love looks vaguely outraged on Lee-Boy's behalf. Lee-Boy on the other just promises to do better.

Arlene follows by screaming that she "LOVES A GOOD KITCHEN-SINK DRAMA" (I don't think there was actually a kitchen sink in there, but I wouldn't put it past My Nemesis Kate Prince) but Lee really needed to do better, because he was out of time and didn't isolate his chest. Katie Love is going cross-genre, so he needs to do the same. Nigel says that he agrees, but Lee isn't really a dancer, he's more of a breaker, and just does tricks without music, so he's pretty much always going to be outside of his genre. Erm...it'll come with time though...erm...probably...KATIE LOVE IS A STAR.

Louise finishes by saying she likes both, as quickly as possible, so she can put out the small blaze that has just ignited in the back of her hair, like a bush-fire. Already she can smell bacon. As their numbers are read out, Katie Love tilts her head onto Lee-Boy's shoulder in support. He completely ignores her.

Next couple? Fierce Rithy and Australian Shane! Huzzah! I feel a spark of actual legitimate excitement! Hooray! They will be dancing Broadway, which of course means Giant Lady. Huzzah again!

In their VT we're given a brief reminder that last week was a Good Week for Rithy, as she managed to look sexy in hip-hop (cue Rithy saying she doesn't know what Louise was on about, cause she was dressed as a granny), and a Bad Week for Shane, as the judges trashed him following Jazz Vampires for no good reason (cue Shane saying that the judges trashed him following Jazz Vampires for no good reason), before their glorious union is revealed. Rithy notably looks a bit awkward, which she reveals is because of the Ian Waite meets Jeanette Krankie height difference, but Shane looks pleased enough. They're told they have Broadway, and Rithy looks doubly put out, but, you know, she doesn't start squawking "WHAT'S BROADWAY?! WE DON'T HAVE THAT IN BRAZIL? IS IT GIN?!" like she so easily could have.

Giant Lady explains that this routine is going to be based around Mr & Mrs Smith, which is one of my favourite films that I have never seen. Both Rithy and Shane are going to be sexy spies, on the same mission, and then they're going to beat the crap out of one another. SHANE-RITHY MEGAPAIRING! GIANT LADY! ASSAULT! What could go wrong?

There then follows a scene where Shane extra-double makes sure with Giant Lady that he knows what his character is supposed to be, so the judges can't pull any of that "we feel you weren't sufficiently vampirey" nonsense they did last week, but mostly I'm distracted by his lower portions (not for the first time). He's wearing really weird bottoms where one leg is a trouser leg and one leg is a short leg. This lead to me hoping that part of the routine features them literally tearing bits of clothing off one another but no...that's just fashion these days. I think at some point Giant Lady tells him to channel Daniel Craig as Bond which...yeah, REALLY expressive there.

Fierce Rithy's all "my storyline is my awesomeness, fit that into a VT!" and then she and Shane have a play-fight up against a wall. Erotic.

To the stage now, and they're dancing their Broadways to "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" - the Nicole Kidman remix, as their super secret sexy spy mission is to steal a diamond. It's actually a really cute routine - more silly and cutesy-sexy than the violence promised. I mean, they throw one another round a bit, but it's not really actually violent. Also they both look a million dollars, with Shane working a Milk Tray Man ensemble like the tall cool drink of water that he is, and Rithy filling every corner of her cat-suit. It's a lot of Get Smart-ish 50s antics, tumbling, and wacky sexy spy faces. More Boris & Natasha than Mr & Mrs Smith, but it's good clean fun, and they look great doing it. At one point Rithy seems to have a bit of trouble with her flaps (ON THE BAG SHE HAS TO PUT THE DIAMOND IN, YOU FREAKS) but other than that? Seamless.

Cat calls over the Brazillian and the Australian and tries to get a laugh out of the fact that their names form "Shane Ritchie". They both look a bit bemused. Nigel starts for the judges, gushing at both, saying it was the best routine of the night so far, Rithy showed what hip-hoppers could do, and Shane was so strong out there. Nigel is proud that his nonsense critique of last week had some positive effect. I'm so sure that's what it was Nigel. Arlene follows, telling Shane that he was bang-on 50s Broadway and the whole "lazy Bondi Beach surfer thing" that Arlene apparently saw through the prism of her stereotyping is now GONE. Oh and Rithy is Little Miss Broadway and who knew?

Louise follows, taking a break from fighting off Geri Halliwell who's come to get her hair from the Mi Chico Latino video back, to tell Shane that he's really getting there, and Rithy is just getting hotter and hotter. Given that she's basically wearing plastic Louise, I would imagine she is yes. Sisco closes by saying that Rithy is a great representative of New School dancers, like what Sisco is (DO IT LIKE A BARROWMAN DEM SUGA SUGA) and also Shane proved the judges wrong after their mean comments from last week, which he disassociates himself from entirely (*raspberry*)

Next up Charlie Whee! and Cabbage Alice, who are apparently going to be learning a whole new language. I hope it's Urdu.

We're reminded of last week when Charlie Whee! flew through the air, as the show continues its bizarre attempt to make him Justin Bieber, by playing that "Baby Ooh Noo" song over the top. I really don't think it's going to happen show, but you keep on trying anyway. We're reminded Arlene called him out for his lack of tricks, and Charlie assures us that he many more, which will be shoe-horned into every routine possible. Oh and also Alice existed.

It is revealed that they were the last couple to be paired up, which means that Alice is even more of an after-thought than I thought possible. To make the whole Bieber thing worse, he insists that not only does he look like Justin Bieber (he doesn't), she DEFINITELY looks like Rihanna (she doesn't). She chooses to reiterate this comparison in the corridor. WHY? They're told they have Contemporary, and both seem more or less fine with it.

My hopes are picked up a little by the fact that Mandy Moore is the choreographer. I guess her flight back to America got delayed and she thought she might as well stick around. She explains that the routine that Charlie and Alice will be performing is a celebration of young love. But not the Gary Glitter kind. Charlie says that he's done some contemporary before, but it's not really his thing. His genre is "contortion breakdancing". Yeah, I don't think that's coming out of Cat's Random Hat any time soon. I think some of the dancer who actually have spines might struggle with it.

Anyway, it turns out that Mandy Moore uses lots of words that Charlie doesn't understand, like "chassis", "saute" and "sesquipedalian". Charlie expresses this to Mandy Moore, and Mandy Moore finds this adorable and charming. After much learning and sharing and growing and Mandy Moore doing a weird Saturday Morning Kids Cartoon voice, Charlie Whee! learns that to saute means to jump. As ever, Alice is also present. [Interesting that an entire VT is devoted to Charlie not knowing what saute means, but Charlotte never having heard the word "foxtrot" was brushed under the carpet. - Steve]

Out to the stage, and what song has Mandy Moore chosen to represent the spirit of young love? That's right, it's Amazed by Lonestar, a song so middle-aged that the list of notable covers on wikipedia runs "Bonnie Tyler, Duncan from Blue, Boyz II Men, Ben Mills and a German X Factor runner-up". The video-wall is showing a sunset on the beach, they're both dressed up like they're in an M&S advert, and the whole thing is so bloody Nicholas Sparks I'm afraid she's about to die any second from lurgy/virginity/being hit by a bicycle. They jump around a lot - she looks like she knows what she's doing and is a bit scary about it, and he really doesn't but pulls woobie-face a lot, which is really a better representation of teen love than the routine danced well would probably be. S'alright. When they finish, Mandy Moore looks 50% proud 50% disappointed from the sidelines.

Cat pulls them over by calling it the Justin Bieber/Rihanna (Evil Bisexual Steven Beale/Kara Louise from Big Brother 8) duet the nation has been waiting for. I personally am uncomfortable with the idea of a real Justin Bieber + Rihanna duet, just because she would actually eat him. Arlene starts for the judges by acknowledging that Alice exists, but she finds it really hard to critique Charlie, because he has enough emotions for all ten male dancers (really? Even Angry Luke?) but his technique is poor. But he speaks the language of dance. But he needs to own it with his body. But that was beautiful.

Sisco says that he agrees with Arlene (which bit?). Alice exists, but Charlie needs to use the hydraulics of his feet some more. Charlie uses his word that he learnt this week in response, and Sisco replies that he needs to be a better support system for that girl whatsername there, but it was beautiful anyway. Arlene then breaks back in to thank Mandy Moore for really pushing the dancers to do things they've never done before, and by "dancers" she of course means "Charlie".

Nigel follows up by saying that Charlie's saute sucks...............BUT HIS SPIRIT DOESN'T. Can the BBC not flash up a brief "barf warning" for sentences like that, like they do with spiders in the Metro? Nigel hopes that Charlie is long around to learn to be good at dancing, and also Alice exists, and was quite good. Louise doesn't speak, as she's applying a jet-hose to her face to try to get the worst of it off. Meanwhile, Cat notices that Charlie flicks his hair a lot, so decides to bully him for it mercilessly, cackling as he sprints away. Bless Cat.

Next up are Generic Paige and Gian Luca, dancing Jazz. As they're introduced he properly mugs to camera in character a lot, and she gazes off into the middle-distance. Sounds about right.

VT reminds us that last week Paige was "our shy one" (/unable to string a sentence together) and Gian Luca got praise for his contemporary work. Oh and Nigel also compared him to Michael Corleone from the Godfather, which was a bit because he kind of resembles a young Al Pacino, a bit, if you've had whatever happened to Louise's eyes this week happen to yours as well, but mostly because he's Italian.

As such, we now get a montage of Gian Luca "doing his Godfather look", Paige being scared of Gian Luca doing his Godfather look, Gian Luca talking about how he's been scaring Paige with his Godfather look. Who needs a personality when you've got a nationality? Mandy Moore pops up to let us know that this was her fault and we can direct all complaints to her, and I possibly will. She tells us that the theme of the routine is that Paige thinks that Gian Luca has cheated on her, and boy is she pissed! Paige lows that this week she is playing a crazy jealous Italian lady, as we watch her slap Gian Luca around like she's a Boots advert, whipping him in the face with a towel and smacking him round the face hard. HERE COMES THE GIRLS! Gian Luca closes by saying that Paige has to keep the feistiness up in the routine, because they don't want to go home.

OOPS.

Out on stage they're dancing to "Forget You" by Cee-Lo Green, as Cat informs us very quickly that Gian Luca will be playing an Italian gangster (in every routine from here on out, because he is ITALIAN). He starts by jumping around heavily on the stage doing flirty eyes whilst she...stands on a balcony throwing shoes about and ripping clothes, screaming and thrashing about like Ursula The Sea Witch when she gets harpooned to death. Eventually she gets to the floor and they do some pretty decent tumbling and drama faces before she...falls on her arse and never really recovers, and they both improv into and around one another, with absolutely no connection whatsoever. This goes on for quite a while. They just about recover to get her up the balcony again at the end. It's as bad a performance as I can remember on this show. Even the UK version. In the audience Mandy Moore's face reads "great. I had Charlie Whee! slopping around and now this. Burn the tapes. And Paige."

Cat pulls Paige & GianLuca over by telling Paige that she still looks really angry. Can't think why. The Human Remains of Louise Redknapp begin the judging, saying that she really liked that they saw a different side of Paige tonight, but the routine's power fizzled out towards the end. Still, at points it was the best that she's seen Paige dance in this competition. Jesus, how bad is she normally? Sisco follows up by saying that he loved Paige's character but she's far too clumsy. Someone in the audience actually shouts "HATER! BOOOOOO!" and Sisco gives this the drama-face in response that it deserves. It was good, but she needs to work on not falling over quite so much. This isn't "So You Think You Can Fall Down?".

Arlene next, saying that she loved Paige's character, and if her man didn't return home for the night, she'd be doing what Paige did (toppling around as though drunk and falling on your arse? Yes, probably). But she needs to work on her posture. Nigel finishes by getting to the point that someone else should have perhaps mentioned by now - her falling on her bum. Paige admits that she did, but Nigel praises her for carrying on regardless. And they performed well up until that point. Gian Luca's role/existence in this routine (/show beyond being a big Italian stereotype) gets mentioned for the first time, as Nigel sympathises with him for having to deal with Paige after the slip when she clearly didn't know what she was doing. Gian Luca grabs the mic from Cat and gives the standard "the show must go on" speech, but we're in a post-Strictly world now where you have to pretend every mistake is your fault, even when it clearly isn't, so I'm sure he lost points with the audience for not going "PAIGE SLOPPING AROUND LIKE BRUNO TONIOLI ON ICE IS CLEARLY SOMEHOW MY RESPONSIBILITY".

Next up, it's Luke and Danielle, performing Samba *LATIN CURSE ALARM*

The VT kicks off by reminding us that last week was a Good Week for Luke and Danielle both, with the former getting mad props for her Jazz Vampire routine in comparison with dull ol' Shane, and the latter being officially upgraded from "Fodder" to "Dark Horse". How grand for her. We're shown that Cat's Hat Of Random paired them up second-to-last, and I would imagine they were quite relieved to find one another together, given the alternatives of technique-free Charlie Whee and...that other girl. This will change. Luke interviews that he is indeed glad that they're together, because they're both Judges Favourites, but it also means a lot of pressure on them to live up to that billing. I would imagine the audience's impression of you is still mostly choreographing a walk then throwing a strop Angry Luke, so don't worry too much.

Choreographing the samba are, of course, Shouty Salsa Chris and Mute Jackie. He bellows like Brian Blessed in a wind-tunnel that Luke and Danielle are both really good technically, but they're struggling to really capture the emotion of the dance and express it to one another (/hate each other). Luke snorts derisively that it's difficult to get that instant chemistry going because they don't know one another, but she's a very pretty girl, so he guesses it should be easy. I've got a feeling that Angry Luke's Angry Feelings have found another target, because they really don't seem to be getting on at all, one little bit.

Shouty Salsa Chris yells some more, whilst Danielle says that she's just a quiet timid, shy girl, so this whole raunchy thing isn't really her thing. Shouty Salsa Chris tries to bring her out of herself by molesting Mute Jaci and ramming his tongue down her facial holes. This doesn't really work, although Mute Jaci seems quite pleased, in a bemused sort of way. We close with Danielle saying that if they want their samba to work they really need their chemistry to work out, prompting Angry to deliver a very scripted Butlins "what(campers)? Like this?" before nibbling at her ear like disinterested bunny.

They're dancing to "Livin La Vida Loca" whilst the sun goes down on the video-wall, but I would imagine this is a sunset of Mature Adult Sexuality , rather than one of The Beauty Of Young Love To A Hickety-Yick MOR Soundtrack". Except it's "Livin La Vida Loca", so there's nothing very mature about it at all. He's throwing himself into it, all arms and legs and "HA!" faces, and she's doing her best to keep up, but for once the VT wasn't misleading. There's pretty much no discernible chemistry here at all. They're barely making eye-contact and they're a bit flaily around one-another, particularly in the lifts. It ends with him dumping her and walking off towards Sisco. Can't say as I didn't see it coming.

Cat pulls them over, saying that she thought she saw a bit of Fonzie towards the end there. Given the skirt that Danielle's sort of wearing, I think I might have as well. Nigel starts for the judges by telling Danielle that if Dr Frankenstein had the opportunity to build the perfect human body, he'd take all the parts from Danielle. Nigel then proposes to Danielle, they get married, it doesn't work out, she puts him through the wringer in divorce court, and she opens her own dance studio with the alimony. This happens in five seconds flat, whilst Angry Luke pulls "what a fucking perv" faces at the side. Oh erm, anyway, there was no sex or spice, but call me Danielle?

Louise follows, picking clumps of her skin off the desk and applying them back to her skull like plasticine as she talks, as she responds to a question from Cat asking if Louise thinks that Angry Luke and Danielle will ever not hate one another. Louise says "no". And she KNOWS. As do the Bennett Sisters. Sisco follows, saying that he agrees that there was no Latin flavour to the dance. It bounced, but it did not marinate. DAMNING HURTFUL words from Sisco there. Cat reads out their numbers. They continue hating one another.

Next up? Katrina Ballerina and The Other Tapper, which is such a fodder pairing that I'm glad they came out and then this happened. They will be dancing hip-hop. She is dressed as a geisha, he is dressed as Indiana Jones' secret boyfriend.

In VT Tom says that his favourite part of last week was when he got to briefly breathe the same air as MATTFLINTMANIA! Katrina Ballerina's favourite part of last week, or indeed her least favourite part of last week, or her opinions on anything beyond blinking her little Sarah Teather face is neglected entirely. Such a fodder pair, I swear. It's like watching two "comedy sidekick to the romantic lad" characters get it together in a rom-com - so heart-warming. We're shown them getting paired up, they seem satisfied with that. They're told that they have hip-hop, they seem fine with that, and don't say, start claiming that hip-hop doesn't exist in Hampshire or anything like that.

They're being choreographed by Simeon Qsyea aka the Hip Hop choreographer from last series who I actually didn't dislike. He tells us that the routine will be on a Pinocchio theme, with Tom as an archaeologist cum window-dresser (QUICK! SHOW HIM PLAYING POOL AGAIN JUST IN CASE WE THINK HE'S GAY!) and Katrina Ballerina as a model that he brings to life with a kiss. So not so much "Pinocchio" as "Mannequin" then. I don't remember Gepetto bringing Pinocchio to life by means of frenching him. Thankfully.

Simeon says that Tom is picking up the moves well (*cue clip of Tom dropping Katrina Ballerina on her back*), but Katrina is suffering a bit of a culture clash moving from ballet to hip-hop. One day we will actually SEE Katrina doing ballet, although hopefully it won't be for a while given that it's almost certainly only going to come as part of a solo-off. Anyway, Katrina starts to wig out and stressing over the newness of the discipline, and Tom very sweetly takes her aside and tells her that she doesn't need to push herself as hard as she does. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL BRIDGET JONES, JUST AS YOU ARE. etc etc. Simeon's advice is to tell them both to go out and do some hip-hop karaoke. Katrina giggles, with Tom's arm around her, that she just knows she's going to hate it.

Jump-cut to Katrina and Tom bellowing along to "Golddigger" by Kanye West, both as cute as buttons, and then talking about their "swagger" I may become a gross awful shipper over these two, I warn you now. [I understand, but I reserve the right to point and laugh as soon as you start writing slushy fanfic. - Steve]

Out to the stage now, where Katrina's still in that ridiculous problematic costume, as the band strikes up with that awful Black Eyed Peas song. No, not that one. The other one. Not the OTHER other one. The REALLY bad one. Tom fusses over his model, pecks her on the cheek, wanders off, and then Katrina SPRINGS TO LIFE and starts throwing shapes all over the place, hurling energy about like nobody's business. It's just so nice to see someone throw themselves into the routine with such abandon after mostly awkward efforts at working across styles so far. She's not GREAT (a lot of her moves seem unfinished, she fair slops around the floor in a grounded section), but there's something so infectious about her performance, as evidenced by the ROAR the routine gets at the end that really kind of makes it an unfodderising moment, probably admittedly for all of about two weeks. [Exactly. This is why Nigel had a point about a good dancer being able to make something of a poor routine - not that this was a bad routine at all, but at least 50% of the reason it was amazing was because of the performance. - Steve] Tom is also there, looks hot. At the end he kisses her again, causing her to turn back into a mannequin. *sniff*. So sad. So star cross'd.

Cat calls them over to the judges, citing the name of Scarlett O Hara to reference Katrina. As if there weren't enough awkward cultural mish-mashes in that whole routine that she can't bring the Civil War American South into it. Sisco starts for the judges, leaping to his head screaming "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAP BRAAAP BRAAAAAP". Tom laughs his head off and Katrina looks at him, uncertain as to whether this is a good or bad thing. Oh Katrina, it's Sisco, it's ALWAYS a bad thing on some level. Sisco apologises for "going hood", and continues to speak ghetto-drag-queen in praise of Katrina until Cat forces him to unambiguate himself and say that she was good, just to deconfuse her. Of course Sisco then ruins this by telling Tom that he needs to "pull up", just as Lee-Boy does. Boo! LEAVE MY SHIP ALONE!

Louise follows, wondering why she can suddenly only see out of one eye, saying that she loves Katrina's willingness to throw herself into a new genre, but Tom really needs to improve, because this is two weeks she's felt he paled in comparison to his partner now. Cat says that Louise is tough. Judging from how she looks, she certainly looks like she's been cooking long enough to be. Arlene follows on, saying that Katrina is what this competition is all about (all of a sudden) but Tom's Tutting was out of time. My tutting at the judges being mean to POOR TOM though, is entirely in time.

Nigel finishes by saying that he thinks Simeon did a great job by the two of them, because the routine was certainly memorable enough to get votes at the end of the programme, as opposed to, say, Ryan & Stephanie having a gay old time in Laser Quest. Tom and Katrina Ballerina continue to be adorable, and then run off.

Next pairing is Fat Deaf Old Kirsty and AndrogyLee, which I'm feeling is the genesis for a "Raggy Dolls - The Next Generation" series in waiting. Cat informs us that their week was full of foot phobias and flesh-eating fish. And possibly also dancing.

VT shows Lee saying that last week was great, because the crowd was insane (I was there - it wasn't) and Kirsty says that she loved every moment she was up there on stage (I was there - she did). They're then paired up, and they have a great laugh about their complete and utter incompatibility, what with Lee's Androgynous Emo Stylings, and Kirsty's Bubbly Blonde Awkward Enthusiasm. Lee grins, somewhat ironically, that maybe Kirsty can teach him how to smile. SHE ALREADY DID LEE, SHE ALREADY DID. (/Nigel's Barfomatic Quote Generator).

Cat then informs us that Lee and Kirsty picked Contemporary out of Cat's Hat, and will be working with Sarah Boulter, who did the Boys Routine last week, and who therefore AndrogyLee presumably has a deep and abiding fear of. Sarah tells them that their routine this week will be about a man who loves a woman, but feels he is unworthy of her love in return. Deep. Power up the Barfomatic Nigel. Anyway AndrogyLee interviews that both he and Kirsty were uncomfortable at the start of training, because they're both jazz dancers and this isn't their style. But wait! Kirsty's not just uncomfortable because of that! She...has some sort of foot phobia! And she'll be dancing in bare feet! So that's why!

I have to admit as "I might not able to perform to my full potential this week" reality-tv excuses go "I am afraid of my own feet" is at least a new one. [I'm with Kirsty on this one; feet are disgusting. When I watched Black Swan, I was fine with all the jump-cuts, but the close-ups of feet freaked me the fuck out. - Steve]

To remedy this phobia, AndrogyLee, dressed in the T4 off-ramp collection takes Kirsty to get her feet chewed at by carnivorous fish. No, me either. Kirsty screams her head off, we see lots of tiny little fish nibbling at her...let's say be kind and say "dancers feet" and it all feels a bit pointless, but they seem to be bonding, so that's nice.

On stage now, and Kirsty in a GIANT DRESS, which is hiding some sort of podium, as AndrogyLee sits watching her from behind on the floor in spotlight. Then "Turning Tables" by Adele starts up and they start dancing and...it's actually legitimately really very good. They're both acting the hell out of it, and their movements are very quick and aggressive when they need to be, but also soft and delicate when the choreography calls for it. He gives good anguished, which is no surprise, and she gives good imperious, which kind of...is. There are hidden depth to Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty, and I'm glad we're seeing them, although it'd be nice if we could peel her off Contemporary some time soon. High drama, high glamour, well staged. Very good job, and the best of the night.

Cat calls them over by talking about the fish, and asking what they did to Kirsty and AndrogyLee's feet. AndrogyLee says very matter-of-factly that they bit the scabs off. Everyone recoils in horror and disgust, and Kirsty lets rip a massive belly-laugh. Nigel starts for the judges, saying it was intense and wonderful and beautifully danced, but then implies that they got lucky by getting good choreography and landing near their home-genres. Which...that's the structure of the show Nigel, well done.

Arlene follows up, saying that Kirsty and AndrogyLee are probably two of the most enigmatic dancers in the competition. Really? Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty? Enigmatic? OK... She then says that she disagrees with Nigel, and that Kirsty wasn't at all in her genre (FINALLY! THANK YOU!) and she danced beautifully. She does think that both of them need to work on their feet, and use wooden rollers to gain an in-step. I have a massive in-step Arlene, how do I get rid of it? HELP ME FOOT-DOCTOR HELP ME!

Louise, still rapidly disintegrating, follows up by saying that she really liked that routine, because it showed a different side of Kirsty. Normally she's an unbearable ham, but tonight she really gave a very intimate performance. Oh and Lee was as "intriguing" (/femmy) as usual. Sisco closes by calling it an emotional trip, and the best routine of the week, with them the best dancers of the week. I hate agreeing with Sisco quite as often as I have done this week. Feels WRONG.

Last up then, are Israel and Bethany-Rose Lee. Cat introduces them by saying that this week she doesn't know if Israel & Bethany-Rose were practising their dancing or auditioning for Casualty. Can't say as I'd blame them if it were the latter. Can't hurt to get a head-start.

In their VT, both Israel and Bethany-Rose remind us that last week was a Good Week for them. Well really, it was more of a "Upper End Of Average Week", but they'll take what they can get. They too seem perfectly fine with being paired together (BOO! MORE HATE-FILLED MISMATCHES PLEASE!), although when they're told they've got Disco, Israel's eyebrow does a .9 of a Roger Moore. Maybe he doesn't know that Disco means the return of...

GIANT LADY. Huzzah. She says that disco is a fusion of many different cultures (most of them gay and/or black) and also involves many, many dangerous lifts. Huzzah again! Let's close the show on a crippling injury! I know you can do it guys! This of course means a montage of Israel dropping Bethany-Rose on her face and poking her in the eye, and worrying about it to camera. Bethany-Rose's opinion on Israel's repeated attempts to destroy her are not recorded, except to say that she's more tender than the feelings that Charlie Whee! gives Nigel in his Barfomatic place.

Somewhere backstage Bethany-Rose has a word though, as Irsael is carted off to the gym, where he pumps iron whilst she watches, nomming at a pink cupcake, gleefully calling him "Izzy" and try to push him on to develop some muscles somewhere. We close with him attempting to bench-press her, and her collapsing down onto his face and upper-chest laughing awkwardly. Hopefully this is part of the routine.

We join things in medias twirl, as Israel and Bethany-Rose are beginning their disco routine (to the Beyonce bit of "One Night Only" from the hit movie "Beyoncegirls", starring Beyonce), in the middle of a rotating lift. This is probably fortunate for him, as he demonstrates for a lot of the rest of the routine that getting into and out of lifts isn't really his thing. So it's a bit of a pisser that he's got Disco then. He is at least smiling throughout, often slightly manically, but it's still smiling. Bethany-Rose is alright, albeit a bit anonymous and not really selling it very hard. Up-tempo, enjoyable, a bit sloppy, but it'll do. I can't help thinking they were really helped by performance position in terms of this "BUT DO YOU REMEMBER IT AT THE END OF THE EVENING?!" thing they're pushing tonight.

Cat calls them over and says that they were very shaky in rehearsal, but that went much better. Israel looks unconvinced, although I'm not sure as to whether it regards the first or the second half of that sentence. Arlene starts by bellowing "I LOVE A GOOD HUSTLE!"(who doesn't?) but she then follows by saying that Israel was too afraid of Bethany-Rose in the lifts, and Bethany-Rose's feet weren't quite sharp enough. Louise, hanging onto existence by her very last thread, says that Israel made her feel nervous throughout the performance, and she didn't like it. She gets that he's a hip-hop dancer, and so not used to working in a pair, but he didn't look comfortable handling Bethany-Rose up there.

Sisco follows by saying that Israel may not be the most stable partner, but he really loved that he tried his level best with GIANT LADY'S DEADLY LIFTS. Giant Lady smiles gleefully at the idea of her own DEADLY LIFTS in the audience. Nigel finishes by saying that he remembers seeing Arlene's movie (*look of panic sweeps over Arlene's face*) "Can't Stop The Music" (*look of relief passes over Arlene's face*). That's pretty much it for that point. Then he praises Israel for his energy and exuberance and we fall into an awkward bit about how Israel's probably never lifted a girl into the air and spun her around before EH, EH? Israel looks terrified and garbles out a non-sentence before Nigel quits being gross and moves onto Bethany-Rose. Who was also exuberant. Oh and he also hates those flat-shoes that she's wearing. Sisco tells him derisively to blame wardrobe and styling (OH THE IRONY) and we are done for the dancing portion of this evening.

Still time for some more Judging Madness though. Cat asks Nigel what he thought of the overall standard this evening. He says that he felt there was a real theme of one partner in a routine letting the other one down. I'm guessing he means... Ryan, Lee, Charlie, Paige, Tom and maybe Israel? Wow, that's a lot of boys. He really should mean Scally as well, but he probably doesn't. He does know that many of them were working outside their jahhhhhhhhhhhnres, but he thinks there are quite a few who are at danger of leaving this evening.

Arlene is asked if anything surprised her tonight, as if anything could any more, and she replies that Katrina Ballerina Goes Hip-Hop did, because she never thought she'd see her doing anything other than looking blandly elegant. Personally I never thought I'd see her do ANYTHING, so it's even more of a surprise to me. Louise's Corpse is asked who she thinks stood out as being good this evening. She says Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Kirsty & AndrogyLee, obviously, because they really threw themselves into it. Sisco is next, and picks out Tom (*snort*) and Paige (*duh*) as the most likely to be leaving this evening. WHAT IS THIS HATE-BONER FROM THE JUDGES TOWARDS POOR TOM?! (*power votes*)

Nigel is then asked by Cat how the voting works, and he says that people will vote on who they remember, based on the VTs and their back-stories, and also a bit the dancing. He then gets all weird, yelling "POP QUIZ CAT, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST DANCE YOU SAW THIS EVENING?!" like if she gets it wrong he's going to have her mother killed or something. Cat replies that she knows there were lasers and Nigel barks at her all "WHY ARE YOU REMEMBERING THE LASERS AND NOT THE DANCING?!". Cat pretty much stares at him until he shuts up.

PHONE LINES ARE OPEN! WOOO! So here's a quick reminder of the evening's routines :

H & Claire get the laser treatment ; WHAT'S FOXTROT HERP DERP HERP DERP ; The Kate Prince Sexual Breakfast Club ; Rithy & Shane are sexy spies ; Nicholas Fizzles ; The Worst Routine In The History Of This Fair Show ; Luke & Danielle hate one another to a Latin beat ; Katrina & Tom become my OTP ; the most bearable use of Adele on tv all year ; Karen Bruce's DEADLY LIFTS claim another victim

Steve will have your results recap in a separate entry. Not to give away who leaves, but I am 50% delighted, 50% devastated. I loved my Ryan Cheekbones.