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Jan. 24, 7:32 a.m. : Here at Police Beat we understand — all too well — the pressures involved in meeting deadlines, so this week your correspondent will begin with a story about a little lost fax machine.

On the 100 block of West Miller Street, our victim (male, 53) returned to work after the weekend to find his construction trailer had been broken into. The suspect(s) apparently could not fit through the small bathroom window he/she/they/it busted to try to gain entry, so they moved around to the doors and broke off the lock securing them. Estimated damage to building: $450.

Once inside the perp(s) stole a fax machine valued at $150. Our victim assured Officer Jackson that "he did not give anyone permission to break into the building." What if he had?

This suspect is quite possibly a writer unable to bear the thought of being beaten about the face and feet by an ogreish editor, thus the break-in to obtain equipment necessary to meet a deadline. That's just a theory, and it may say more about your correspondent than it does about the actual facts of the crime, but now it's out there.

Jan. 22, 11:28 a.m.: Officer Henry reports, "`63-year-old female victim` stated she was taking a leisure two mile walk from her condo towards Metrowest Boulevard." (Already the victim sounds suspect: a two-mile leisure walk?) The report continues, "`Victim` advised she then began walking back to her condo when she noticed a black female standing next to the Mobil Car Wash, located at the 5000 block of L.B. McLeod. `Victim` stated she got kind of nervous because the black female was staring at her. … She then began to walk a little faster and then the unknown suspect then came up to her and demanded she give up her fanny pack that was around her waist…." The suspect threatened to shoot, but never presented a weapon, reports state.

Our victim — brave but perhaps not bright — refused the request and, according to police reports, ran inside the gas station calling, "Help, help, dial 911!" The perp fled the scene in a green Dodge Intrepid (nice detail there) and is still at large. Keep your hands off of granny's fanny (pack).

Jan. 20, 12:39 p.m.: Our 54-year-old victim, returning to work, found the door to one of his unoccupied office suites kicked in at his establishment on the 3700 block of Silver Star Road. Officer Sims reports, "Suspect(s) used an unknown force to knocked `sic` the door in an eastward direction, causing damage to the door and frame." "Damage" meaning that they knocked the whole door and frame to the floor, causing $850 worth of damage. Was anything stolen? Negative. The place was empty. "The door was left by unknown suspect(s) lying on the ground …." How rude.

Jan. 20, 11:42 p.m.: Officer Montfort reports, "`Security guard` observed two white males attempting to break into a vending machine at `condominium complex`. Two males were observed leaving the area in an 80's model white full sized Chevrolet van."

In the pool area of our violated establishment in the 6500 block of Swissco Drive rests a juice vending machine. The perps tried to pry open the machine with two crowbars until the 25-year-old security guard spooked them and they fled the scene in their van … leaving the crowbars behind so OPD would have some evidence.

Your correspondent thinks this incident has "reefer" written all over it. Check it out: '80s van, couple of dudes, Fruitopia vending machine … forgotten crowbars. Possible scenario: They were driving around and smoking out in the Mystery Machine when one of the suspects had the bright idea of stopping in at the pool to quench a dreadful case of cottonmouth. Upon entering the pool area they found vending machines, so they stopped clearing the wax out of their ears with the crowbars and — since they spent all their loose change on weed — set to popping one of the machines open until our hero, the security guard, startled them. Of course that's just a theory, and it may say more about your correspondent than the actual facts of the crime, but now it's out there.