"I developed an anxiety disorder at university"

How do you cope with anxiety on campus? One writer shares her story...

By
Scarlett Dixon

Nov 18, 2014

Mariana Pacho López / EmpalagarmedemarGetty Images

The first time it happened I was sitting in a lecture theatre, surrounded by hundreds of my new peers. My heart started racing beyond belief, my palms became clammy with sweat, my head started spinning and such an overwhelming sense of dread came over me that I felt I'd either pass out or throw up. No, I'm not talking about having a bad hangover - I was having my very first panic attack.

People always say university is supposed be the best experience of your life. No job, no nagging parents, no real responsibilities. Drinking questionable mixers and dragging yourself into a lecture in your pyjamas after two hours sleep - what's not to love..? But the reality of university ended up very different for me.

I'd always been a shy, easily worked up kind of person, but I just assumed university would bring me out of my shell more. Having dreamt of working in the busy, bustling world of journalism since the age of 12, it felt like a dream come true (despite the cliché) to have been accepted to study Multi-Media Journalism and I couldn't wait to start.

I began having frequent panic attacks and crippling anxiety that left me terrified to leave my room

But several weeks in, my regular lectures felt like a daily battle. It wasn't that I wasn't enjoying them but I had developed a fear that completely enveloped anything that was being shown on the PowerPoints. Initially caused by fear that I'd have an IBS flare up, I began having frequent panic attacks and crippling anxiety that left me terrified to leave my own room.

I found myself letting down the friends I had only just forged relationships with, turning things sour before they'd even really started. I can't really explain or pinpoint what my anxious feelings were about. In fact it's very hard to narrow it down to one specific thing each time it occurred, but all I know is that I would worry relentlessly about the smallest of things. Soon, I began to feel isolated and very alone.

The only way I can attempt to describe anxiety is that it's like wearing a pair of dark, black, foggy glasses all the time. Even indoors. And no matter how hard you try, or how hard others try to assure you that you've got nothing to worry about, you can't prise them off your face. They are there to stay. The whole world and everything around you looks gloomy, dark and sad. Things pile up and get on top of you more than ever before and rather than waking up to a fresh new day each morning, every step feels like a challenge.

I'd feel physically sick at having to spend two hours in a confined space with no excuse to escape.

I'd try and dismiss my feelings as a passing phase, or blame them on having a bad day or my period, but that underlying sense of anxious nerves were still there, all the time. The fear of being in a situation that I'd previously suffered a panic attack in would be enough to set me off. I'd feel physically sick at having to spend two hours in a confined space with no excuse to escape. I know from an outsiders perspective people would think I just needed to 'toughen up' or 'get on with it', but it's just not that easy.

Now in my second year, I like to think I have a hold over my anxiety a little more, but I'd be lying if I said it's gone completely.

I've found several things helpful. The first is writing: however I'm feeling, I'll pour it into a Word document rather than letting it pile up in my head. I've also confided in several peers who I trust and know are there to help, rather than judge or mock me.

Young anxiety sufferers - remember you are not alone

I found that an app called Headspace really helped me chill out - you can download it for free so that you can use it offline. Also watching YouTubers' videos, such as Zoella, who has admitted to suffering from anxiety herself, really helped too. It allows you to escape for those 20 minutes you're watching and understand in real terms that you're not alone in your experience. Because young anxiety sufferers aren't alone at all. When I started talking about it on my blog, I couldn't believe how many people told me they had anxiety, too.

The key to enjoying your University life when you suffer from anxiety is to make sure that you have the right support system in place and to remember that you're not alone. Do what feels right to you and not just what society thinks you should do.

If your way of relaxing isn't to drink the pub dry and party into the early hours, but sitting in front of your laptop watching Modern Family on repeat (with a 'sharing size' bar of chocolate that you have no intention of sharing), then that is totally okay. It's all about learning how you unwind, how you dissolve the anxious thoughts and talking to others about how you feel.

Anxiety doesn't have to be taboo and you don't have to suffer in silence.

For more information and support on the issues mentioned in this piece, visit mind.org.uk.

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