Freelance Writer

Christmas Overload: Hooray for Hollywood (Studios)

I imagine I’ve mentioned this before, but just in case I haven’t: I’ve got ADHD. The condition comes with all the stereotypical symptoms–I’m hyper, I’m impulsive, I draw pictures of myself juggling eggs when I’m supposed to be paying attention in class…

Exhibit A.

…but it also comes with some that are less well-known. For example, I’m easily overwhelmed. Which is why parts of Hollywood Studios were too much for me.

Imagine some lights. Now imagine some more. Imagine five million of them. Imagine they dance and change colors in time with festive Christmas songs. Imagine one of those songs is pop-punk band Less Than Jake’s Geneva-Convention-violating cover of “I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas.” Imagine soap is raining from the sky. Finally, imagine all of this is happening while you’re shoulder-to-shoulder and ass-to-front with tens of thousands of other tourists, and you’ll have a fairly good grasp on the Osborne Family Spectacle of Lights.

It’s gorgeous, don’t get me wrong. But after a few songs, I had to sit down on the ground, close my eyes and ears, and focus on something else (like how much I wanted to give Less Than Jake “nuttin'” for Christmas).

They have it coming.

It wasn’t all overwhelming, though. Most of Hollywood Studios was pretty righteous. For example…

…the Tower of Terror is the greatest ride ever. And the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster perfectly captures what it would be like to train at 10 times normal gravity while Steven Tyler screams in your face.

Artist’s rendition.

Best of all, most of the petty indignities we’d witnessed at other parks were absent from this one. There were no kids on leashes or folks doubling up on mobility scooters, for instance. Here’s the full breakdown:

Worst Kid: Boy who told his mother he was “thirsty-wirsty”

Best Kid: All the kids doing the Jedi training, including the one who visibly shat himself when he realized he had to fight Darth Vader

Crying Kids: 4

Oldest Kid in a Stroller: 10 years old

Kids in Princess Costumes: 8

Overdressed Adults: a woman in purple high heels; also a lady in high-heeled booties and a mini-dress

Minions Shirts: 2

Christian Shirts: 1

Matching Family Shirts: 5

Stupidest Shirts:

“Who is John Galt?” (Answer: “No one cares.”)

“Keep Calm and Join the Dark Side” (That is the absolute opposite of how you join the Dark Side! What on Earth?)”