Infj

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You probably shouldn't read this. It's rambling and pointless.

It was a cloudy, strange, and lazy day.

Email buddy has been on my mind today for some reason. Meaning I'll likely hear back from her soon. That's usually how that works. I still miss the days when we talked daily. She was fun then. Now I'm just in the way.

Thought about my countless missed opportunities with women in general, in fact. And you know what? I take full responsibility for all of it. I think much of my failure in the last five or so years has been due to me finally understanding women, but sort of putting all that into the backseat while I focused on getting another degree and my career, and they could tell. I really do believe I understand women fairly well, but can't quite reason myself to effort greatly to obtain a relationship due to my own vast stubbornness.

Long story short, I haven't had any success in so long because I trust only me. I hold everyone to high standards, most of all myself. I dislike all the mind games and posturing and trying to make me jealous. I don't drink. I don't go to bars, they just make me nervous.

Younger women are more attractive to me usually, but, simply put, they don't have the attention span for me. They see me as aloof/disinterested/moving too slow. Always. Every time. Happened with a girl at my old job (she wanted me, but wouldn't leave her boyfriend. I wanted to be more than a fling because I liked her, she was going back to college some two hours away) You could even say it kind of happened with email buddy to an extent. The pattern is usually: I'm attracted to X>X seems like she may have some interest in me> X pokerfaces>I'm hurt by her not showing more interest, so I pokerface back>X gets with another guy)> I realize I'm too late so try to be more forward> X shoots me down again because I'm public enemy number one now in their mind.

If anything, someone a little older may be better equipped to deal with me.

The older I get, the more I think it won't change. My grandma on my mom's side doesn't think I'll ever marry or have kids or anything. As I get older, it seems most likely that I will indeed stay single. It's debatable whether that will leave me better off, worse off, or about the same.

It's like I know what's wrong, but not how to stop it. I'm just wired differently than most. I can't really explain it.