i find i always frame any thought of a return to drinking in terms of "getting totally fucked up"

when i go there, which isnt often, i have this idea that i could use booze like i would use, say, acid or molly (this is a notion that a part of me believes is not entirely negative, though it is dangerous, in that it frames alcohol for what it is - a powerful drug) - ie get a bottle one night and get destroyed, then be done with it for 6-12 months. the problem with that though is that unlike other substances booze societally embraced and even encouraged. and i spent 15 years abusing it wantonly. i know that if i let it in at all i would start to orient myself towards it, look forward to it, justify it and im not about to let that happen ever again.

yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life

Cone wrote:I missed my usual Saturday meeting for the past two weeks due to schedule conflicts and I relapsed yesterday. Go figure.

I actually feel positive about it just because of the immediate sense of guilt I felt and how quickly I realized that I was making a big mistake.

I’m definitely embarrassed to be starting from scratch again after all I’d learned over the past month and a half but I guess it’s just another experience to take away a new lesson from.

dont feel embarrassed man. in mtgs prob at least half the room knows what its like to relapse and have been there themselves. i havent been sober since my first mtg and most of the sober ppl i know havent either. as an alcoholic i am supposed to be drinking, thats my default that im used to and most comfortable in and everyday i dont is a triumph. from my experience the quicker i get back to mtgs after a relapse the easier it will be to get that day count going again and get back in the groove i was in before even though at first i might feel embarrassed and weird going back after relapsing. like you said it can be a positive thing and its all part of your journey and a learning experience that youll now be able to use in the future as another defense against drinking again.

Time and anniversaries are awesome. We celebrate them for a reason. But they’re not the end all be all. I know people who have relapsed a hundred times with a year clean at this point who are in a better overall place than some one chip wonders with 30 years. Good luck to you and keep doing the next right thing.

It's definitely something I saw coming when I went in. Even though I acknowledged the 'one day at a time' mantra, I still had 30 days as the milestone in my head and once I hit that I started to loosen up my own expectations of myself. Its certainly good that milestones and representations of time are celebrated, but you need to realize that they aren't a stopping point but just a marker to take pride in.

Last edited by Cone on Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Football made me want to drink a little bit. I mean that alcohol + sports thing is outright shoved in your face and it's annoying. Like, I was listening to a ton of podcasts and all the bro hosts are like "WE'RE GONNA BE AT THE TAILGATE DRINKIN, I WANT YOU FANS DRUNK AND ROWDY FOR THE BIG GAME" and then like Lane Johnson of the Eagles saying he's gonna buy the city of Philadelphia a round of Bud Lights if they win the Super Bowl and of course all Dilly Dilly commercials and blah blah endless shit. It's fucking annoying that our society embraces drinking culture *to a point*. Everyone can laugh at the drunken fans celebrating like idiots and getting arrested and behaving abhorrently but also DILLY DILLY LOL.

from what i recall, drinking culture in america is weird because on average we're more prudish about consumption than other countries (especially europe -- part of this has to do w/ our high legal drinking age), but when we do indulge, we go very big and have more deaths related to it.

bear wrote:if you do feel uncomfortable with the label, one easy compromise is to use the term alcoholic if you're in a meeting out of respect, and say you have a problem drinking to other people. I think this is fine. there's a different meaning to the term inside the rooms than there is to the outside world. there are a lot of preconceptions that just aren't true, and people in AA understand that.

i tell people i don't like to drink cause it's expensive, then go to the break room and eat a rice/vegetable/spice concoction out of tupperware.

im 10 days in and i had a weird booze dream on saturday night and i woke up in the post blackout panic and had to go make sure i still had my wallet and phone and then realized i hadnt drank the night before. i think i might try doing this for good tho. im saying a month for now bc saying forever seems scary in a way i cant really articulate. i know its early but it seems i can also eat a lot more food it seems without gaining weight. im lucky in that i have several friends who barely/dont drink at all (not even bc they are in recovery; they just dont) so this is starting to seem doable at least in my current situation.

I’ve drank excessively the past three nights while out of town at a company conference and it’s insane how demolished I feel. I rarely drink these days but after this I think I’m ready to call it quits for good.

also yea I have pretty horrific using drugs all the time. it can get confusing for sure. have used in a dream and felt deep regret. then woken up, realized it was a dream but fallen back asleep to another dream in which I was like "wait, it wasn't a dream! I really did use! fuck!" ...

Cone wrote:The longer I go without drinking, the more bewildered I become by the concept of drinking culture and the appeal of it in the first place. Like the hardest part of getting and staying sober for me is just the fact that I don't want people to know I've decided to stop putting this toxic liquid into my body. That's insane.

But I also have accepted that I don't care to read into it or unearth all the underlying answers of alcoholism to a point because I don't want to waste all my time meditating on negative stuff.

I'm watching a doc right now on the Sundance App called 'Sister Helen' that is so sick. 58yo ex-alcoholic "She's swearing that's nuts" nun who opens a halfway house in the bronx

Most nuns are not like Sister Helen -- she's tough as nails, can curse like a sailor, and woe be unto anyone who gets on her bad side. But most nuns probably haven't had a past like Sister Helen's, either; a longtime alcoholic, Helen gave up drinking only after the death of both of her children (one of whom was murdered) and her husband (whose death was related to his own drinking problem). After getting clean and sober, Helen became a Benedictine Nun, and she now runs a halfway house for recovering drug and alcohol abusers in a rough neighborhood in the South Bronx. Sister Helen is a documentary that looks at her often difficult life and her current crusade to help addicts get clean, as she shares her home with 21 men struggling with sobriety. Taking no guff and offering compassion only to those who deserve it, Sister Helen's attitude redefines the phrase "tough love," and among her charges are men who are grateful for her help, and a few who are resentful of her methods and distrustful of her motivations. Sister Helen received the Director's Award for Best Documentary at the 2002 Sundance Film Festival.