Monday, 16 July 2012

Never Late Is Better

The term ‘fashionably late’ has always bothered me. Since turning
up in the world two weeks early way back in 1983, I’ve always been overly
punctual for everything. If you ask to meet me at 3pm, you can guarantee I’ve
been wandering around since 2.30pm desperately trying to not look like an
over-eager date. Being on time is as instinctive to me as a cup of tea first
thing in the morning and blogging as soon as someone mentions the words
‘unpaid’ and ‘nudity.’ Being late is a concept that I’ll never truly understand
and one that means I’ll always have to accept a few less minutes in bed because
of it.

So I was very pleased to read today that EastEnders have suspended
and fined the actress Shona McGarty for constantly being late. Much like how
Daily Mail readers like to read about the persecution of immigrants, I love to
see the punishment of those who consistently insist on being late. Now, don’t
get me wrong, I’ve been late for things in the past. However, I can honestly
say that these incidences have only happened due to inadequacies with public
transport, snow or once for work when I was still clearly drunk from the night
before. I would even turn up early to my office job which I hated so much I’d
spend most of my time there wondering just how many days off I could have if I
threw myself down the stairs. And there would be days when I’d desperately try
and be late. Once I’d got past the fury of watching people wandering in two or
even three minutes late, I’d eye them up with jealousy and try to copy their behaviour
in an effort to shave off a few precious seconds from my tedious day. But those
endeavours would usually end up in me making a mad dash at the last minute as I
started to panic and I’d end up arriving even earlier than usual.

So it’s very pleasing to see someone being punished for lateness,
especially in the world of acting. Chances are you’ve been affected by someone
being late before. If not, it’s probably you that’s the problem. When people
are late, it holds up everything. Rehearsals are often on a tight enough
schedule as it is so if you’ve got some fool who constantly wanders in 30
minutes late, mumbling some vague excuse about their alarm not going off, it
makes putting a show together a bit bloody difficult. It’s an incredibly rude gesture to everyone
else involved. It shows a lack of respect to those that have cast you in the
role and are, hopefully, paying you and a big ol’ bitchslap in the face to the
other actors who could’ve played the role equally well and would’ve turned up
on time. And it’s a hugely offensive gesture towards your fellow actors who are
relying on you actually turning up so they too can do their job. I was in a
play a few years ago and my main scene was opposite an actor who was
consistently late. The director’s way of dealing with this would be to either
reschedule the rehearsals for the scene for the end of the day (meaning that we
rarely ever got to them as a particularly spotlight-seeking actor would demand
so much time on their scenes throughout the day) or to rehearse my scenes
opposite someone else standing in. This was mightily unhelpful as it achieved
very little apart from wasted time and an annoyed actor who, of course, just
wanted to be working on his own scenes.

I’ve seen very little action taken against those who insist on
turning up hours after everyone else. At drama school we had the most appalling
repeat offender who was so bad that he ended being taken out of his final show
(although he has probably turned out to be one of the most successful graduates so it clearly didn’t do him any
harm.) The problem is that once you’ve got to the rehearsal stage, the hassle
of getting someone else in is so brain-stretchingly tedious that everyone would
rather just put up with it so the problem is never resolved. The cretin keeps
getting away with their few extra minutes in bed just because casting is such a
ball-ache it’s why you don’t see ball pools putting on shows (probably.) While training, if you turned up late then you were suspended for the rest of the
day but once you escape its cushioned cocoon, that kind of punishment just isn’t
practical.

And don't even get me started on people who turn up late to the theatre. I've been late for a show once and that's because there had been a multi-car pile-up which despite my poor driving skills, was clearly not my fault. However, I have trouble believing that everyone who turns up late and irritatingly apologises as the creep along their row has genuinely been held up. No, instead they casually make their way to the theatre, decide to get drinks after the final call has been made, then decide to have a quick wee and then finally noisily tiptoe in just so they can deliberately spoil my evening.

I realise that I may be alone on this one. I realise that not
everyone gets quite as worked up as I do over running a bit late. And I realise
that my desire to put everyone on timed strings so that they’re always punctual
is unethical and would bugger up Sliding Doors. But hey, maybe when we’ve rid
the world of poverty, famine, disease and sexist castings we could possibly
start enforcing punctuality as a legal necessity and I can find something else
to harp on about…