Understand

She doesn’t want me being friends with you since she knows you like me. Sorry. Bye.

I can’t believe that in three sentences, three measly sentences, you just destroyed our whole friendship. And just for her. Your perfect girlfriend. The one with the face book picture of herself with her head tilted and her hair falling down to her tiny waist, with a look that screams easy. Any girl would be able to see that. But you boys, you don’t read that far. You stop once you gauge her flawless figure.

I don’t even know her. I never met her, never spoke to her. I don’t know a thing about her other than what you told me, which doesn’t go beyond the fact that ‘thinking about her makes you happy.’ If you said that to me in person, I might have done something to at least save face. But since you had the nerve to say that over text, and there was no one else around to see or hear me anyway, I allowed myself to break down.

But you don’t know that. That’s the beauty of texting. I don’t see your reaction to things, and you sure as hell don’t see mine. I don’t know how to make you understand. I don’t know why I try anymore, when I know that it’s not going to be any different than last time. But I keep thinking that if I tried something new it might work and you could finally get it. I thought that maybe once you got it you might realize that I was just as capable of making you happy than she was.

I secretly hoped she would reject you. I secretly hoped she had the strength I never would have to tell you that you had an ego twice the size of yourself, and that she wouldn’t dare let herself be with someone so degrading. I secretly thought that if I was the only one left that still allowed you to be the monster you are, you would finally have no other choice but to choose me.

Of course I wanted to be your first choice. But I’m smart. I know the truth behind that mask you put on all the time. I know that the only reason you keep me around is for the fallback position I can fill all the time. Since I have no real life of my own, you reason, I have plenty of time to build you up when all your other resources have been depleted. And because I’ve now built my entire life around you, I have no excuse to walk away.

You promised me something a long time ago, before you turned into a monster before my eyes. You promised me that you wouldn’t hold my feelings for you against me. And you didn’t. Not for a while, at least. But as time went on you figured out that you could get me to do anything and everything by just dangling that little bit of information over my head. You led me on, letting me believe that if I did just this one thing for you, you might change your mind and things would change between us. But I always messed up, didn’t I? I always did something or other wrong, and instead of making you care for me more, you had all the more reason to like me less.

More than once you questioned, right in front of me, why you even bothered with me. I wasn’t anyone special. I couldn’t do anything extraordinary. What was your gain by wasting your time with some geek that happened to have a thing for you? You didn’t need nerdy old me. After all, you always boasted about how you had the best girls after you and you were just waiting for the perfect one.

But I think you keep me around because you need me. I’m the only person that actually lets you talk about yourself nonstop, even when you become the most arrogant and conceited person I’ve ever had the displeasure of listening to. I keep thinking that once you’re done on your latest rant you might let me have the spotlight, if only for just a minute. But you make it all about you. No one else lets you do that, do they? I’m the only one. And I’ve been the only one for a very long time.

I can’t wait for you to realize that you’ve relied on me much more than you thought you did. And I swear, you’re going to regret giving up all I am for you just for some pretty girl that’s going to gain 40 pounds by the time she’s 35. I hope by then I’ll have the strength to say know when you come back to me like I know you will. I hope that now, with this connection between us that you have just severed broken, I can finally be free. And I hope this girl realizes what you are before she falls for you too hard. Or even better, maybe she doesn’t like you at all and she’s just using you like you used me. At least then you might be able to understand. Maybe she can make you realize what you are. Because I can’t.

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