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Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I Used to Have Two Dogs

Something was wrong this morning. I tried to brush it off and chalk it up to all the craziness at home these days. Our house is on the market and the cats are all acting bat-shit crazy. We've had stangers in and out and our life has been completely disrupted. My anxiety has been running away with me-even meditation isn't helping. So on the way to work this morning when I knew something was wrong I told myself it was my anxiety. The house situation. I'd feel better once I got to work. I'd shake it off.I was at work less than an hour when my husband called. Something was wrong with Cranberry. Before I left for work he told me that she hadn't eaten breakfast, but neither had Yaz or Lowenstein. Again, it was just the house situation, I thought. I had already been planning to take Cranberry to the vet on Friday. She was coughing a bit and with her heart issues, I knew she needed to be seen. I told my husband I'd call and see if they could get her in today. They said they had drop off appointments available and they would be able to work her in this morning. Lee immediately took her in.I figured he'd drop her off and we'd hear something later in the morning, so I was surprised when I heard from him right away. The vet suggested imaging and blood work. He thought she was probably in heart failure and from feeling her belly, suspected there may have been a tumor on her liver and she was bleeding into her belly. We can't afford the cost of the testing right now (who knew it would cost so much to sell a house?) and frankly, we knew that even if we could treat the heart failure, a tumor would be really bad news. She already had several growths removed and we suspected at least one of them was cancer (and would eventually spread to her chest).Lee wanted to just take her home. By this time, her breathing was becoming labored. The vet suggested euthanasia and that if she went home there was a good chance she would die. Lee said he couldn't make the decision without me, so I left work and headed to the vet.When I got there, they were in the lobby. Cranberry didn't even wag her tail when she saw me. I knew that was a really bad sign. The vet went over everything he had told Lee and we decided the right thing to do was to let her go. It was hard. It always is. We were there with her when she left this earth. We told her we love her and that she's a good dog. I told her to say hello to Heloise for us.I used to have two dogs. Now I have a hole in my heart.

Holding you close in my thoughts, I know that this was so very difficult, and this week I counseled another friend who had to help her kitty (my Brighton's mother) cross the bridge. I am here for you if you need to talk, anytime, really...May the love you shared comfort you as you go on without her next to you...though always in your heart...

I wish I had words to soothe your soul. Collectively we've been through so many of these losses that smash our hearts into zillions of pieces, one would think one of us would have found the holy grail of words. But there just are none. The best I can do is tell you I feel your pain, and understand what you are feeling and going through. You lost a child, a soul, a best friend. I'm sending you gentle hugs from me, and purrs and gentle head bonks from my three cats, Nicklaus, Dusty and Isadora.

Amy, I am so sorry you lost Cranberry. The hole in your heart is because you loved this special dog a lot and that leaves an empty space. I have one in my heart where Dash is supposed to be. Hang in there.