Diebold Voting Machines Come To Life In San Diego, Attack Democrat Voters

Dozens were killed and scores more injured in north San Diego county today when the voting machines they were using in a special election to select a replacement for the 50th District seat vacated by former House representative Duke Cunningham came to life and attacked them.

Reportedly, the Diebold owned voting machines exclusively targeted citizens attempting to vote for the Democratic candidate Francine Busby, choking or stabbing those who stubbornly refused to change their mind and cast their ballot for Republican Brian Bilbray instead.

"I tried to vote for Busby, but the machine wouldn't accept it," recounted one survivor of an enraged Diebold machine, "It asked me 'Are you sure?', and when I said I was, it told me that Bilbray had my best interests at heart while Busby was unqualified, to which I replied that Bilbray is a rat and is easily as corrupt as Cunningham was, and it responded something along the lines of 'Since when did an idiot like you start to get the idea he could think for himself?' So I told it to go to hell, and it punched me in the stomach. The last thing I remember is it asking me if I was going to vote for Bilbray now, and I said no. If it wasn't for the brave woman who risked her life to unplug the thing, I'd probably be dead."

Commented another victim: "After arguing for several minutes with the machine and putting up with a lot of verbal abuse, I threw up my hands and turned to walk away, but the thing grabbed me and said I couldn't leave until I voted for Bilbray. I told it that pigs would fly first, and it called me a smartass and started to strangle me. Now I've heard of crooked voting machines before, but this is ridiculous."

Expectedly, following several other similar, albeit non-fatal, irregularities involving Diebold machines that have consistently benefited Republican candidates since their introduction into America's polling places in 1991, this latest incident has reignited accusations of deliberate vote tampering by the Ohio based company.

Commented one furious voter while pressing a bag of ice against a black eye, "Are we really supposed to believe that it's just a coincidence that, year after year, these machines only lose votes cast for non-Republicans and only come to life to kill Democrats? It's ridiculous!"

Evidently however, Diebold CEO Tom Swidarksi does expect the public to believe just such an explanation.

"What occurred in San Diego today was a great tragedy, but make no mistake, it was nothing more than a series of highly anomalous malfunctions, likely induced by the abnormally high humidity in the area. Diebold would never intentionally program one of our machines to manipulate the outcome of an election, either by miscounting votes, beating people up, or what have you."