Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: Sex and the Single Trans Man
by Dan Savagehttp://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/01/23/sl-letter-of-the-day-sex-and-the-single-trans-man
Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: Sex and the Single Trans Man
by Dan Savageen-usCopyright 2016 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger.webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster)Fri, 09 Dec 2016 00:00:01 -0800Fri, 09 Dec 2016 07:30:00 -0800Foundationhttp://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss
1. I've had sex with a lot of gay men. One time each. There are plenty of open-minded gay men who will fuck transmen to find out if they are into it or not. Most will discover it isn't something that they want to do regularly. If you are comfortable with this situation, you will get a lot of mileage out of gay men in their 20s.

2. I don't disclose on most of my online profiles because I don't see the point of disclosing until I've met someone and determined whether I'm interested in fucking them. I disclose fairly quickly if I am interested in someone - generally never later than the third date because if we aren't getting sexual in some way by then, it isn't going to happen (your mileage may vary).

3. Bi men are not necessarily the solution. In my experience, bisexuals are typically attracted to men who are men and women who are women. Those that are also open to dating and/or attracted to transpeople belong in another category (pansexual, etc.) because I think that one of the keys to good chemistry with a transperson is being comfortable with the mixture of gender characteristics that most of us live with most of our life (good treatment is expensive and not always possible).

4. The only people who contact me via my profile on Buck Angel's site are looking for transwomen.

5. My modest success in dating is probably very much informed by the fact that most of the places I have lived don't have large sexual minority populations. Moving to SF, NYC or another queer mecca is probably going to improve your chances of meeting someone who will want to fuck you more than once.

6. Gay men are hyper-visual. Clean yourself up, get fit, and love yourself. They may still not fuck you more than once, but they will genuinely regret it.
Posted by Ancient Mariner]]>
Tue, 29 Jan 2013 05:25:18 -0800The Stranger
I was glad to discover @69 that his statement @56 "Some of us don't want our genitals to be attractive to our partners" wasn't as absolute as it sounded.

When you're on a dating site, it's a safe assumption that when you're talking to someone that presents themselves as a certain gender, that their genitals correspond.

You've created an elaborate fantasy-structure in your head about how "it doesn't matter".

By not revealing this information, you are engaging in deceit.
Posted by Doot]]>
Sun, 27 Jan 2013 05:10:40 -0800The Stranger
Posted by vennominon]]>
Sun, 27 Jan 2013 04:42:09 -0800The Stranger
Angela and Sharon actually begin to reconcile when they meet in the bathroom and each owns up to having wished to have the other's measurements, then piece together the old Girl Scout saying about God's Gift. In the end, Sharon appears in the MDFS after all, Patty admits that she needed Angela there with her too much and accepts Angela's younger sister Danielle as a replacement, and the episode ends with Angela's inner monologue reflecting about how people are so complicated and different that they'e actually, "...beautiful. ...Possibly even me."

As you may imagine, my life is not overfull of allusions to large chests. I even have a fairly low threshold for what constitutes "overly-worked-out" for men.

Also, it occurred to me, going back to your original theme, that, while some trans people might like the idea of a bi partner because the risk of the "ick factor" would be reduced, others could prefer monosexual partners if they would feel more assured thereby of being valued entirely/only for the gender they are. Not a reason against your idea, but it seemed fair to mention just to be thorough.
Posted by vennominon]]>
Sun, 27 Jan 2013 04:28:52 -0800The Stranger
You can be. For the rest of your life? That'd get old fucking fast.
Posted by people who want to be interesting rarely are]]>
Sat, 26 Jan 2013 21:51:23 -0800The Stranger
@57 I'd be happy with that, as long as we didn't meet on a trans/fetish/etc dating website, because if we did, I would have no way of knowing you weren't after a trans guy in particular. We're talking sexual relationships here, and in that regard, I don't want anyone appreciating the hell out of my junk because they're not going to be appreciating it for who it's attached to.

@60 Last time I checked, I still had an asshole to be played with and a mouth to play with. I can have fulfilling sexual relationships without anyone going anywhere near my junk - and I prefer it that way because, as I said, I don't own my junk and I don't want to. If we're talking relationships that go further than sex, then sure, I have a more open mind. I'm happy for someone to appreciate my junk more than I do. But if it's just sexual? No thank you.
Posted by madswan]]>
Sat, 26 Jan 2013 18:43:21 -0800The Stranger
Posted by EricaP]]>
Sat, 26 Jan 2013 13:09:52 -0800The Stranger
Posted by dlauri]]>
Sat, 26 Jan 2013 12:01:46 -0800The Stranger
Posted by trevorhaveiever]]>
Sat, 26 Jan 2013 07:36:02 -0800The Stranger
My So-Called Life in which Camille tells Patty about the infamous Poll in which Sharon was voted as having the best global endowments and they work out between them that Patty never heard about the Poll because Angela wasn't on it.
Posted by vennominon]]>
Sat, 26 Jan 2013 07:14:02 -0800The Stranger
Posted by Doot]]>
Fri, 25 Jan 2013 16:58:14 -0800The Stranger
As far as dating site or bar: down here in Austin we've got a nice little divey queer bar [i.e. not a Gay Club] that hosts the whole rainbow. So in theory the trans and bi folk could hook up, but I haven't seen it much. In fact there is more of a trans presence than an open bi population at 'Bout Time. If only my co-orientationists had more chutzpah. Someday.
Posted by Ophian]]>
Fri, 25 Jan 2013 14:28:52 -0800The Stranger
Yeah, hurtful it may be, but at least you've got your answer, and you're much better off for knowing.
Posted by plenty of people stay with jerks, not knowing]]>
Fri, 25 Jan 2013 12:04:21 -0800The Stranger
btw, fyi, only a chick would say something like that.
Posted by Doot]]>
Fri, 25 Jan 2013 11:09:04 -0800The Stranger
"I don't want to be a fetish, don't want to be any different to any cis-guy out there."

I hate to break it to you, but cis-guys fetishize about their partner's genitals all the time so you are no different if they fetishize about your genitals. It sounds like you hold the view that if a person is into someone's genitals (and we're talking about sexual relationships here) then they cannot also be into the person whose genitals are attached to. With that viewpoint you will miss out on meeting some great people (such as maybe @57)

"Some of us don't want our genitals to be attractive to our partners - just tolerable."

If someone is just tolerating your genitals, it's a good to assume that they will be lousy sex partners as they will not have that desire to really explore your body and what gets you off. It could be that what you want is not a sexual relationship and that's perfectly fine, but you have to be up front with potential partners.
Posted by consensual_nonconsent]]>
Fri, 25 Jan 2013 07:43:35 -0800The Stranger
so, basically it's your intention to deceive someone in the hopes that he will, in turn, help you deceive yourself.
Posted by Doot]]>
Fri, 25 Jan 2013 05:24:46 -0800The Stranger
Posted by bustee]]>
Thu, 24 Jan 2013 18:03:05 -0800The Stranger
(that isn't to say it's wrong to not want to date a transman - that's a preference and if you can't live without sucking dick, I respect that. I'm just trying to offer an alternative viewpoint as a lot of people are suggesting trans dating sites, or dating bi guys because they're attracted to vaginas. Some of us don't want our genitals to be attractive to our partners - just tolerable.)
Posted by madswan]]>
Thu, 24 Jan 2013 17:46:11 -0800The Stranger
LW- stay in the dating game, it will get better. You're just very young and inexperienced- that will change with every person you meet. You'll find your man, but don't be afraid to date lots of frogs in the meantime to get a thicker skin, and to discover what you need in a partner.
Good luck!
Posted by OutInBumF]]>
Thu, 24 Jan 2013 17:27:10 -0800The Stranger
Yes, you're right. I was hoping to get around the problem that most people who actively look for trans-partners are fetishists, and most trans-people don't like being fetishized (I think).

Maybe a better work-around is for society to recognize that people fetishize. People can try to be more relaxed about other people fetishizing them (like women with big boobs have to understand that a lot of their suitors dig their big boobs); meanwhile the fetishists can try to be more discreet, and emphasize that the fetishized aspect is only one of their lover's many delightful qualities.
Posted by EricaP]]>
Thu, 24 Jan 2013 16:50:31 -0800The Stranger
Posted by lolorhone]]>
Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:53:30 -0800The Stranger
Posted by vennominon]]>
Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:40:52 -0800The Stranger
But I won't go out with anyone who says they wouldn't, absolutely wouldn't, consider dating/sleeping with someone on the basis of one of these attributes.

Of course people have preferences, strong ones. I do too. But for me, the only reasonable answer is "Well, it's not my general thing, but if the right person came along, you never know."

Someone who doesn't have the imagination to realze that people are strange and attraction is mysterious and sometimes you'll find yourself in a situation you never envisioned - isn't worth my time, imho.