Where Stuff Gets Rated

Tag: life

This is when, after you die, someone, ideally, tells everyone how great you were. If you plan on dying, figure out who you want to eulogize you now, and make them promise not to die before you do. If you don’t do that, you’re likely to get a disinterested member of the clergy who will read the boringest parts of your obituary and skip the names of any family members they don’t know how to pronounce, and then tell all your mourners about Jesus, like they had gone to His funeral, by mistake. 3.9/5

This is like gofundme but legitimate. This is an organization that steps in and offers smalls grants to families that are on the verge of slipping into poverty. It’s not sexy to donate to an organization that buys coffins for an unexpected funeral or helps fix a transmission, but it might just be the best thing you can do. 4.9/5

It’s fine I guess. I used to say “it beats the alternative,” and think I was being clever, but does it? I mean, I don’t remember what it was like for me before I was born but I’m pretty sure Jeff Dunham wasn’t there. Can’t say that about being alive. 1.4/5

This is like The Game of Life, but good. Basically you try to get a good job, and have interesting hobbies and loving relationships while minimizing stress, and the person who dies with the most long-term happiness wins. I have found the trick to dominating this game is to just do the opposite of what real-life me would do. 4.1/5

This is just parachuting but with a 90s eXtreme teen name. I’m not now, but at one point in the last few years, I was too fat to skydive. The fact that you can be too fat to skydive and not be one of those guys where they need to knock down a wall and use a crane to get you out of the house makes me reconsider the physics of the whole operation. 2.2/5

If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, then almost all prayer is pretending that isn’t the case. If God is who most people think he is, then the only acceptable prayer is “okay.” Now that I’ve shortened church down to about a half a second, all you God-botherers should be sure to thank me for all the extra-good naps you’ll be getting. 0.3/5