Homeopath to start offering 'assisted suicide' remedy

A homeopath in Banbury has decided to take politics into her own hands, and start offering an assisted suicide treatment. The service will be offered to those for with terminal illnesses where traditional homeopathic treatments have not worked. The number of eligible people is thought to be high.

The practitioner, who goes by the name Chi Wind-chime, explained that the ‘remedy’ used has been through the emotional turmoil of death, which is then remembered, and injected into the patient. ‘We take our special ‘faucet hydrogen dioxide’ formula to a funeral, where it is surrounded by mourning people. This emotional experience of someone passing is remembered by the special solution. We take this back to the my ‘living room laboratory’ where it is diluted with more of the original solution to create a remedy that is so weak it’s strength is lethal.’

‘When the time comes, a family member can inject the patient, then wait for the for the treatment to work.’ Ms Wind-Chime continued. ‘The ‘passing room’ is painted lilac and we play whale song into the room to create an atmosphere that is relaxed and peaceful’, which is just as well because the effects of treatments on the terminally ill has taken up to 2 years.

Brenda Roberts took her mother to the homeopath to assist her in ending her life but was not happy with the results. ‘She had got to a point where her quality of life was not what we wanted, so we convinced her that life was not worth living. So for her 50th birthday we all chipped in and paid for her trip to Ms Wind-Chime and she went through the treatment. That was 4 years ago and we are still waiting for her to keel over.

Scientists have studied the claims made by the homeopathic community that this treatment works. But as Professor Brown, from the Department of Real Life, Oxford University told us, ‘more people died on the toilet last year than died from this treatment.' He went on to explain ‘although those who practice alternative medicine will stand by their claims, we found through extensive research, testing, and common sense, that death rates amongst the terminally ill is already quite high.’

But Ms Wind-Chime brushed the criticism off her velvet coat and explained ’those in the business of scientific fact don’t understand the remedy or how it works. In fact, as proof of it’s effectiveness, last week a man come in having a heart attack. The remedy was so good, that he died before we could administer it’

I scattered a letter with heavily diluted 'star water', and then threw it out of the window, whilst offering up a prayer to cosmic ordering for it to arrive at your address, which I found out by consulting a crystal bought from an insane woman at a market, so it should arrive any day now, probably.