Obama to Implement New "Torture Friendly" Methods

President Obama asked Janet Napolitano to put together a new "Torture Release Form" for all current and future detainees to keep him out of any legal problems that may come up later. He told Napolitano to include the following questions and statements on the Release Form:

Do you believe you will be treated fairly during your torture?

Do you have any phobias or fears that would disqualify you from torture, such as: drowning, bugs, Christmas Carols, being called a tattle-tale, etc.?

Would you consider yourself as having a high or low threshold for pain…please be specific?

Have you ever been tortured before…if so, which procedures did you like or dislike, were successful or not?

Would you recommend our services to a fellow combatant?

How did you hear about our services?

Please leave a daytime phone number in case we need to get back in touch with you.

Secretary Napolitano told President Obama, "This is exactly what America needs to restore our reputation around the world. Great idea Mr. President!"