(I work at the front booth charging entry and parking fees to park visitors. Most of these visitors are tourists from Chicago. The entry fee is different for in-state and out-of-state license plates on the vehicles.)

Me: “Hello! Welcome to [state park]. Do you have a Michigan license plate or an out of state license plate?”

Customer: “No. No, I don’t have that.”

Me: “Are you from Michigan or out-of-state? What is the state on your license plate?”

(Suddenly, the customer screams loudly and throws his hands up in the air as if he were terrified.)

Customer: “My ID! You need to see my ID? I have ID!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t need to see your ID. I just want to know where you are from.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “What state are you from?”

Customer: “Chicago. The state of Chicago.”

...I can imagine me being that particular Derper McDerpington. As I'm driving up, my fuel pump is worrying me with a weird noise, my wife is babbling about some random shit, and I'm trying to read the signs. I determine from the signs that my fee will be $7 and I expect him to eyeball my plate as I approach and ask me for $7. Then this conversation ensues:

dude in the hut says: "Hello! Welcome to [state park]. Do you have a mimibnn ice gateor an ootorf stasdfh lerhahas fait?"
(This is how I hear a lot of speech, and why I prefer email instead of phone calls.)

cao thinks: He surely saw my license plate. Must be asking if I have a frequent user season pass or something.
cao says: “No. No, I don’t have that.”

dude in the hut says: “Are you from Michigan or out-of-state? What is the state on your license plate?”

cao thinks: Why is he asking me where I'm from? OH GOD THEY THINK I'M THE GUY FROM THAT AMBER ALERT! FUCK! THEY GONNA ARREST CAO!

I'd never say "state of Chicago" though, not even if I was from Chicago.

"Yeah, that's D as in David, E as in...uh...E as in X Ray..."
"The first place you go blind is your eyes"
"I'm trying to use your webkit and I'm getting errors. View page at link below. C:\My Documents...."
"This all looks like hydroglyphics to me!"
"Do you guys work on Toshibos?"
"My machine wont crank up because the brain is full."
"Ugh, I can't download my Printer."
"I'm computerly illiterate."
"R as in Rover, M as in... uh... MacGuyver..."
"Why is the picture on my screen upside down? And why is this round plastic thing with rubber tips on top of my monitor? It wasnt there before we moved"

(I am standing in line at the pharmacy counter and a man rudely cuts in front of me, stating that he has been waiting in line, just in another part of the store. He assures me he’ll be quick, but I don’t buy his excuse. The following exchange occurs between him and the pharmacist.)

Customer: “I need to speak to a pharmacist immediately.”

Pharmacist: “Do you have a question about your medication?”

Customer: “Yes, it says on the bottle to take with water. I don’t drink water. Water makes you fat.”

Pharmacist: “Um, water is essential for your body, especially with those pills.”

Customer: “What about water retention? Will I just pee it out, then?”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, your body will eventually eliminate it. You should drink water, though. Your body needs plenty of water to work well, and you really don’t want to be dehydrated while on this drug.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it. Oh, and one more question. What about alcohol? Can I still have my alcohol?”

Quote:

(Library | Melbourne, Australia)

(A customer is returning a large pile of overdue books – about 90 for the entire family. She’s waiting while I process them in order to pay the fine.)

Me: “Well, they’re not very overdue. It’s just that there’s a lot of them.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry they’re late.”

(I scan the last few books.)

Me: “Okay, over the three cards, there’s $50 in fines, but I’ll halve that to $25 as they’re not too late.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks so much. I just couldn’t get them in as we’ve all had scarlet fever.”

(I look at the pile of books, every one of which I have handled.)

Me: “Oh…”

Quote:

(My boyfriend and I are talking about Chinese wedding dresses after a friend of his got married.)

Me: “If we ever get married, I’m gonna have to get one made here before we go.”

Boyfriend: “Why? They do sell them there.”

Me: “Well, yes, but I’m not exactly shaped like a Chinese girl. ”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s okay. We have fat girls in China too!”

(For the record, I was referring to the fact that I have decently sized breasts. I did end up marrying him and found the one dress that fit me, too!)

Quote:

(Bank | Ohio, USA)

(This customer’s account has been overdrawn for over a month. This is due to several ATM withdrawals when she didn’t have the money in her account.)

Customer: “You need to refund these overdraft fees because you never notified me that I was overdrawn.”

Me: “According to the notes on your account, you called us every time before you made a withdrawal. Every time, a rep told you that you’d get a fee if you didn’t make a deposit to cover it the following day.”

Customer: “Nope, you never informed me of any fees. Yeah, I took $500 I didn’t have in the account, but I shouldn’t get fees because you never notified me of any fees. Refund them now!”

Me: “We also called you every day over the past month. We sent you a text and email alert every day. We also sent you 10 letters letting you know that your account is overdrawn. You will continue to get fees until you deposit enough money to cover the negative balance.”

Customer: “I throw away all my mail from you because I think it’s junk. I don’t check my email and I ignore your texts, so it’s not my fault that I didn’t know I was getting fees. Refund them now, because I wasn’t notified of the fees!”

Me: “This is an instant rebate. All you need to do is to take the item to any register and you’ll get the item for the rebate price.”

Customer: “How long does it take?”

Me: “Our instant rebates happen instantly.”

Customer: “Do I get a store credit, or something?”

Me: “No, you get the rebate right away, so you just pay a lower price.”

Customer: “I don’t have a lot of time today. How long does it take?”

Me: “It happens instantly, ma’am.”

Customer: “Maybe I should find someone who works in this department!” *walks off*

...customer's a dumbass, but "instant rebates" are dumbassery too.

Quote:

(Cruise Ship | Florida, USA)

(I work for a very well known cruise line in Florida. More likely than not, the crew members are not from the US. The people in the terminal on the other hand, are usually locals.)

Me: “Welcome to [cruise line], how are you today?”

Customer: *turning to wife* “Honey, she’s foreign.”

(He then turns back to me, flashes a huge smile, and starts speaking in incredibly slow English)

Customer: “Hello!” *glances at my name tag* “My! I’ve never heard of a country called ‘Guestlogistics’! Where is that?”

Me: “Sir, that’s my position here at the terminal. I’m actually from around here.”

Customer: “Is that in Europe?”

Me: “No, I’m from [next town over].”

Customer: *blank stare* “Okay…anyway, we’re all here to check in.”

brb Guestlogistics vacation

Quote:

(Pharmacy | New Zealand)

(I’m a pharmacist in a rural area. A shop assistant calls me out from the dispensary to talk to a customer, who is a slightly intoxicated middle aged woman.)

Customer: “This medicine made my partner sick! Violently sick!”

Me: “Let me see. Has he had any alcohol?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you sure? Not even a little?”

Customer: “He doesn’t drink. Maybe only a little, but he wasn’t drunk.”

Me: “It clearly says on the label that you must not drink any alcohol while being treated with this medicine.”

Customer: “But he didn’t drink much at all. A beer shouldn’t matter, should it?”

Me: “It contains enough alcohol to–”

Customer: “But, like, you can even drive if you only drink a beer!”

Me: “That has nothing to do with–”

Customer: “I think he’d better not take this medicine. It made him violently sick!”

Me: “I think he should–”

Customer: “Thanks, I’ll tell him what you said. This medicine is a poison!” *turns around and walks out*

Damn. Natural selection failed.

Quote:

(Ice Cream Shop | West Orange, NJ, USA)

(This takes place a few months before I leave for college. A lot of the kids working at the store are leaving for college soon, too. One of my coworkers has written “Tips for college kids” on the tip jar. A young mother walks in with her kids on a slow afternoon. After she reads the tip jar, this exchange happens.)

Customer: “Tips for college kids…I have a good tip. Stay away from tequila.”

Me: “Why’s that, ma’am?”

Customer: “I went through a lot of margaritas my freshman year. Now I can’t even look at tequila without feeling sick. Just stay away form it.”

I am the robber of my cradle. Candy is my body and teddy-bears are my blood. I have﻿ snatched over a thousand little girls. Unknown to police. Nor known to Chris Henson. Have withstood time to stalk many children. Yet those kids will never be enough. So as I pray--

(This occurs at the busiest time of year for our company. We have every checkout possible open and there are often lines of at least 15 people during most of the day. I am serving at my checkout when I hear a customer grumbling from the line. He comes to my checkout.)

Me: “Hi there, sir, thanks for waiting. Is this everything you wanted today?”

Customer: “NO! I am NOT buying these products! I waited in line for twenty minutes and that is far too long for anyone to wait to buy anything!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is our busiest time of year and as you can see, all of our staff are currently serving–”

Customer: “I don’t care! I’m not buying anything! You can put this all back yourself. I didn’t wait in line for this kind of treatment.”

Me: “Um, so you waited in line to tell me that you aren’t going to wait in line and buy these products?”

Customer: “Yes!” *storms off*

Quote:

(Bookstore | Massachusetts, USA)

(A middle-aged man and woman walk into the small used bookshop. They look around at the shelvesof books, seemingly perplexed. After giving them a bit of time time, I check up on them.)

Me: “Hi! Let me know if I can help you with anything.”

Woman: What kind of place is this?

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

Man: “What is this place?”

Me: *still confused* “It’s a bookstore.”

Woman: “So, all these books are are for sale?”

Me: “Yes they are!”

Man: “Oh…”

(They exchange looks and leave.)

Quote:

(Tourist Attraction | Prince Rupert, BC, Canada)

Customer: “Hey, are there any Indian attacks on this village?”

Me: *taken aback* “Um. No. No, there are not.”

Customer: “Well, what about the sign?”

Me: “What sign?”

Customer: “The sign that says ‘Watch Out For Ava-LAN-cheez’.”

(From his pronunciation, it’s clear what he’s actually referring to are Apaches, not avalanches.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Um, no…they never attack our small village anymore.”

(My boyfriend and I are sitting at home. He gets a call from a number he doesn’t know.)

Boyfriend: “Hello?”

Caller: “Why are you doing this to Amanda?”

Boyfriend: “Excuse me, what?”

Caller: “Stop the ****. This is your sister, and I’m sitting here with Amanda and she’s really pissed at you. Come back…”

(She goes on for awhile about Amanda and her boyfriend. My boyfriend has long since put this on speaker so we can both listen to his “sister’s” rant.)

Boyfriend: “I don’t know any Amandas. And my girlfriend is sitting right here with me. Who are you looking for?”

(For the next few moments, the two women on the phone scream at my boyfriend about how they knew he was cheating on Amanda and how they’re “gonna get” him.)

Boyfriend: “My name is John [last name].”

Caller: “Oh…” *pauses* “Not John [different last name]?”

Boyfriend: “Promise.”

Caller: *hangs up*

(My boyfriend and I sit there for a little, shocked. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “If you ever meet anyone named Amanda, run away.”

Quote:

(Bookstore | North Shore, MA, USA)

(This happens while I am working at a Christian book store that also sells other “Christian” items. This particular incident involves a customer’s dissatisfaction with a child’s toy called the “Armor of God”, which includes a sword, a shield, and armor.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Hello, I would like a refund for a toy I bought my son last week called the ‘Armor of God’.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Can I please have the order number?”

Caller: “Yes, the order number is ########.”

Me: “Now, was the item defective or damaged in any way, or are you simply dissatisfied with the product?”

Caller: “The toy is possessed.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “The moment my son put on the armor he started screaming and running around attacking everything with the sword. The toy is possessed and I want a full refund. Frankly I’m shocked that a store advertising Christian products would sell something like this!”

Me: “Okay, well, if you box up the items, I can send you a return shipping label. When the toy arrives at our warehouse you will receive a full refund.”

Caller: “You want it back?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can’t give you a refund unless the item is returned.”

Caller: “I’m afraid that’s impossible.”

Me: “Has the toy been damaged in some way?”

Caller: “No, I buried it.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “It was possessed by a demon, so I buried it.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but if that’s the case, I’m afraid I cannot give you a refund.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, you buried the toy in the ground. You’re refusing to return it and the toy is ruined anyway. Per company policy, I cannot give you a refund.”

Caller: “Are you serious? First, you sell me a possessed toy, putting my family in danger, and now you refuse to give me my money back? I demand to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am, but first have you considered that possibly the toy isn’t possessed and that your son was just play fighting?”

Caller: “How dare you! Do you think I don’t know the difference? Do you think I’m lying? My son has never acted this way before. The toy is possessed and I am owed a refund. I demand to speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

(I work at a movie rental store. Sometimes we have deaf customers. I know some conversational ASL and can usually communicate with the deaf community just fine. A woman and her daughter walk up with a note and place it on the counter and point to it repeatedly.)

A user with a laptop called me when she arrived at the office, complaining that her computer was doing nothing but blue-screening and I needed to fix it NOW.

I walk over to her desk, and she starts complaining about how valuable her time is before I've even gotten into her cube. Then she launches into the whole "your boss won't be happy when I give you and this shitty computer a negative review on this ticket" spiel.

Her problem was simple: the laptop screen was blue all right - the default XP background colour. The external monitor that acted as her primary (and had the login screen) was turned off. I hit the power button, told her to have a nice day, and walked out.

Me: “If I can’t verify that I called the right person at the right number, I can’t take down any of this. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But I’m who you’re looking for!”

Me: “So, you’re John Smith?”

Customer: “Maybe! Let’s do the survey.”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry, sir, but there’s nothing I can do if you can’t verify your identity. Have a good evening.”

Customer: “Wait! I’ll do the survey!”

That customer rules. I gotta remember to pull that kind of shenanigans.

Quote:

(Hotel | California, USA)

Caller: “I have a reservation! I know I have one!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I don’t appear to have one under your name. Is there another name it could be under?”

Caller: “NO! I have a reservation!”

Me: “May I ask how you booked your reservation?”

Caller: “I don’t know, but I have one!”

Me: “Okay, did you book it online? Call the hotel or choice? did you come to the hotel and book it?”

Caller: “No, I didn’t do any of those things but I know I have a reservation.”

Me: “Could anyone else have made the reservation for you? Perhaps a travel agency?”

Caller: “No, but I have a reservation! I know I do.”

Me: “Do you have a confirmation number I could look it up with?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you didn’t book a reservation, and no one booked it for you, I don’t think you could possibly have a reservation. But, I would love to make you a reservation. In fact, I can make it right now. I’ll just need to get some information from you.”

Caller: “No, I do not give out my information. I have a reservation!” *hangs up*

That one, not so great.

Quote:

(Phone Company | Texas, USA)

Caller: ‎”Hi, I don’t think my phone is ringing as many times as it’s supposed to.”

Me: “Well, sir, I can test call it if you’d like and we’ll see how many times it rings.”

(I test call the customer. It rings once and he answers.)

Customer: “Yeah, it only rang once that time. It’s supposed to ring four times.”

Me: “Sir, it only rang once because you answered it after the first ring.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know, but it’s still supposed to ring four times!”

Quote:

(Bookstore | Virginia, USA)

(I’m helping a customer find “The Autobiography of Mark Twain”. As I hand it to her, she remarks on the size of the book.)

(This museum has a large Titanic exhibit. Many of the rescued survivors were brought to Halifax after the ship sank. Many of the recovered bodies of the vicitms are buried here as well. A tourist approaches me.)

Tourist: “So, is Leonardo Di Caprio buried upstairs?”

...we can only wish.

Quote:

(Restaurant | Fresno, CA, USA)

(I am working as the host at a family restaurant. It’s particularly busy night, so I am taking down names on the wait list on.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Customer: “It’s going to be 6 with 2 kids.”

Me: “So, a total of 6 people?”

Customer: “No, 8!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Okay, a total of 8. I got you down.”

(Their party has to wait for around 30 minutes to be seated. Right after we seat them, the woman comes back up to the front.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me! How do you expect us to fit at this table?!”

Me: “Well, that table can usually hold 8 people. It seats four on one side, and four on the other.”

Customer: “But we have 13 people!”

Me: “Ma’am, when I asked you the total amount of people, you told me 8.”

Customer: “No, I told you 8 adults and 3 children!”

Me: “But that only adds up to 11–”

Customer: “That doesn’t matter! We can’t fit!”

Quote:

(Tech Support | Wellington, New Zealand)

(I answer calls for technical support within the company.)

Caller: “My computer is a fire risk.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Caller: “It gets hot. There are papers near it.”

Me: “If you’re worried about it, you can move the papers away.”

Caller: “I am moving the papers, but you must send someone to look at it.”

Me: “Computers usually get warm–”

Caller: “You don’t understand. My computer is a fire risk!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll log a job and get someone to look at it.”

Caller: “When? It is very urgent. I need someone to come now.”

(I log the job and ring the technician to explain that the customer is very keen to have someone come as soon as possible. The next day, he rings me back to tell me what happened.)

I am the robber of my cradle. Candy is my body and teddy-bears are my blood. I have﻿ snatched over a thousand little girls. Unknown to police. Nor known to Chris Henson. Have withstood time to stalk many children. Yet those kids will never be enough. So as I pray--

(I’m working at the dressing room of a Halloween store. A rather large woman comes up to me to try on a few costumes. All of them sized medium. Now, costumes run small, so these costumes are dress-size 6-8. I don’t say anything to her, even though I know they won’t fit.)

Customer: “Hey, I like this one, but none of them fit.”

Me: “Well, it looks like we do have them in a large, so if you’d like me to go get it for you–”

Customer: “No, I don’t want a large. I just want a bigger costume.”

Me: “Yes, but the only bigger costumes we have are size large. Halloween costumes tend to run pretty small, so–”

Customer: “Are you listening? I don’t want a large. I just want a bigger costume.”

Me: “Good morning! You’re through to [name]. Can I take your plan number, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have a plan number. What’s that?”

Me: “It’s on your statement and begins with the number ’14′, then a dash.”

Customer: “I’m looking at my statement and there isn’t one.”

Me: “It’s about half way down on the right hand side and begins with ’14′ dash.”

Customer: “There isn’t one. I can see where it says plan type, but that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, it says the plan type on the left. The plan number is just to the right of it, starting with ’14′ and a dash.”

Customer: “There isn’t one. There is no number beginning with ’14′. Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, I’m not calling you a liar, but if it is a statement you are looking at, then I promise it’s on the right side, half way down. It starts with ’14′.”

Customer: “There bloody well isn’t! The only number on here starts ’1′, ’4′, and a dash. Can’t you take that?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take that instead!”

Quote:

(Coffee Shop | Peterborough, ON, Canada)

(I work in a coffee shop that is now advertising using real cheese instead of processed cheese.)

Customer: “Can I get a chocolate chip muffin please?”

Me: “Sure, that will be [price].”

Customer: “And can I get that without cheese?”

Me: *confused* “We actually don’t put cheese on our muffins.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I saw on the commercial that everything now has real cheese on it, so I really don’t want that.”

Me: “Well, we only put cheese on things like sandwiches. You won’t have cheese on much else. We have just changed to using real cheese instead of processed, so that’s what we’re advertising.”

Customer: “Well, that’s a relief!”

Quote:

(Call center | USA)

(I work for a utilities company in collections, meaning I get people who are being shut off, or have been shut off. Our policy is to send several notices, and then shut off an account if no satisfactory arrangements are made. Where we give them a date, we can shut off the account with no one there, provided the meter is outside.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [utility company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m holding a shut off notice here dated for November 10th. When will my services be shut off for non-payment?”

Me: “As of November 10th, it is subject to termination.”

Customer: “Oh. Do I have to be there? I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “No, you don’t need to be there.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I get a hold on the account? I don’t have any money.”