The Christian God and Particle Physics

Let me put all this in terms that everyone on this board will understand. God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our xyz space. Christ, we will assume, is the right hand of God, or about 100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since God has a very large mass (a bit less than infinity), Christ, who we will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. This means that Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that he is fairly certain in all that he does.

Now let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from God, say one inch and 45 million light-years. He, also being in a circular orbit, will be travelling significantly slower than Christ, and will therefore be more uncertain about it. One should also consider, however, that since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby ones as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a more knowledgeable guy than the Savior. This fits in with traditionalwisdom.

From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first is that Mary, the Mother of God, being a fairly pure person, is close to God. This means that she must be a fast woman. The second conclusion that can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential than saints, since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the Heathen.

A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they are at least an infinite distance from him. Now, assuming that one of these folk starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential energy into kinetic energy during the approach, or descent as the case may be. Since he started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolictrajectory and then disappear into space again, never to be seen again. If his approach is such that it brings him inside the orbit of the Son of God, then right after his closest approach, the sinner's velocity will be greater than Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of the side ramifications are even more intriguing.

Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone -- all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped, and by the same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected.

And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do with sex? Well, the answer is this: sex, as we all know, is the union of two or more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a collision. Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a collision between any of these close in folk would be disastrous, because, even if we assume that they are indestructable, such a high energy collision would:

All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two causes he would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the unafffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of these collisions.

Anyway, I managed to bring this rant back to the topic it was supposed to address in the first place, so I'm gonna eat lunch now. If anyone is not offended yet, I can use the analogy to prove the next verse in Leveticus, that "no man shall wear clothes of two different fabrics."

--Charles Magee, in a post to alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics, prior to 1996, received in 1996 from Mark Rosen.