Brian Moylan

The internet was abuzz, positively abuzz!, that three characters on Glee were going to lose their virginity last night. Yup, it finally happened, but where was all the sexy? There weren't even any songs about sex!

We start off the hour rehearsing West Side Story, because the big musical is three days away. OK, if the musical is three days away, why are we still standing around the piano with sheet music? At this point they should have this shit memorized. There should be sets, there should be costumes, there should be blocking. What does Glee have against rehearsal? Does it think rehearsal is for Brett Ratners?

After a particularly offensive week—during which he called people who rehearse "fags" and …
Read more Read more

Anyway, "Tonight" is a great song to start with, because it's talking about how lives can be altered in the course of one night. Also, it's saying "tonight is the night everyone loses their virginity." It also has a bit of that wonderful nervous anticipation that comes before you know you're about to finally get some, but you haven't quite figured out how to get your parents out of the house yet.

Advertisement

After their performance, director Artie says that it lacks emotion, possibly because neither singer has sealed the deal in the boning department yet. They both decide that, in order to be the best Tony and Maria they can be, they have to get it on with somebody. Anybody.

Kurt is in Blaine's bedroom listening to Roxy Music and Blaine is showing Babygay Kurt his two dance moves (the Pee-Pee Dance and the Head Bobble) and then Blaine is all like, "Why don't we do it?" And Kurt is like, "I don't know, why don't we do it?" I had no idea what this conversation was about because all I could focus on is how wildly inappropriate these two are for each other. I think the reason they don't do it is because they aren't attracted to each other.

They're totally high school gay boyfriends. They're the only two gays in their particular village and they have some things in common so they think they're in love. But as soon as they get out into the world and do some exploring, they'll quickly find gay people that they're more in tune with and be all, "What was I thinking in high school?"

Filling the extraneous Warblers song of the week slot is "Uptown Girl," a song that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. And, if a lemon could sing, it would sound just like the lead of this song. Probably because my ears puckered up and tried to close in on themselves when they heard him sing. They actually winced. It was bad.

And on a side note, why does Blaine get all these really cute Thom Browne clothes and I don't. He doesn't deserve them! Someone please buy me some cute outfits so I can stop being so damn jealous of Blaine's, er, closet.

Thank you, Artie, for casting our dream lover and favorite lesbian Santana as Anita in West Side Story. Here she is warning Rachel as Maria about Blaine/Tony. You think that this song, about wanting to be with a boy even though you know he is bad and your friends warn you about him, would be about about Blaine/Tony. It's not. It's about Sebastian the new gay twink Warbler who is all up in Blaine's Vodka Kool-Aid. What, is Bel Ami casting Glee now?

While Blaine and Kurt are still small town gays with small town dreams of running Logo and moving to New York, Sebastian is smart and wordly. He's been to Paris and whored around in bathhouses. He is the sort of gay guy who likes to meet nice innocent Babygays and teach them about poppers and anal beads and sex parties and felching and all those other dirty gay things that we don't want straight people to know about.

Blaine is attracted to him (because, well, he is hot as shit) but says that he is going to stay with Babygay Kurt. Sebastian has designs on ripping them apart when he invites Blurt (that's Blaine + Kurt) to Lima's gay bar, Scandals. OK, that wins a point for having an awesome small town gay bar name. They're always called Secrets or Triangles or Rainbows or something awful like that, and that just makes them amazing. At first Blaine doesn't want to go, but Kurt convinces him to be fun and spontaneous and try something new, so they go.

The best thing about Scandals is the sad door bear who says, "It's drag queen Wednesday" with the appropriate amount of disdain and sadness that the statement warrants. The gay bar is very sad indeed, but it's still their first gay bar and they have lots of fun. While Blaine is trying to get Sebastian in his pants while still being faithful to Kurt, BGK gets a visitor at the bar: Karofsky, his old bully. He's all out(ish) now and hangs out at the gay bar and doesn't beat people up and drinks under age. Everything is great for big K. He's going places! Gay places!

After Sebastian gets Blaine all hard on the dance floor, BGK comes in and cuts in and takes him away, showing Sebastian who is boss. I wish Kurt had a bit more biting guile about him, because I'd love to see him wag his finger in Sebastian's face a bit. Anyway, Kurt gets drunk Blaine out to the car and he wants to fool around, but BGK is all, "No! I don't want my first time to be like this!" and then Blaine walks home because apparently he lives right down the street from the gay bar that he's never been to before. Kurt just lets him stumble home. Yeah, that's a good boyfriend!

Man, all we're left with from West Side Story are the boring songs. "I Have a Love?" "I have a nap in the middle of Act 2 when this song comes on," is what this should be called. But it gets us to a very important place, where Rachel wants to give up her V Card (god, I hate people who say that) to Finn.

Now, I will say that I do not care one lick about Finn and Rachel and this season has really invested not a thing into their relationship. We see her fawn over him a bit and him being confused about his future and that's it. There's no development, there's no deepening of their connection. Nothing. Blah. So why should I care that they want to fuck?

Rachel tells Finn she wants to get nasty so he plans this very sweet romantic night and she goes over and they get in front of the fire and just when he's about to give it to her, she lets it slip that she only wants to boff him as "research" for her role. Sick of playing second fiddle to Rachel's career, Finn runs off in a huff, probably to fiddle with himself. This whole plot was kind of silly because we already knew they were going to fuck by the end of the episode. Just get it over with already!

I will give Glee credit though for being sex positive in a sweet and responsible manner, with Tina telling the girls how her first time with Mike Chang's abs was nice and sweet and what every high school girl could hope for. It was a lot better than the gratuitous raunch of Gossip Girl or the abstinence only dross of I'm a Pregnant Teenager and Molly Ringwald Is My Mom on ABC Family.

The other love that this episode had was Bieste's romance with a football recruiter. It was very sweet and he is kind of hunky, and I loved how the reason they didn't get together is because she didn't want to accept his advances in case she got hurt. And then she gives that speech about how hot guys like him don't want her and he was all like, "I love you just the way you are," (where was that Billy Joel song?) and I got a little choked up, I will admit. Oh, Glee, you still know how to make us cry.

Speaking of making me cry, for some reason every time I hear "America," it makes me tear up because I just love it so damn much. Seriously, I love it so much it makes me cry. I am too gay to live. For my money this is the best production number in American musical theater history. It's got a catchy tune, awesome dance breaks, a good message: it has everything! Also, I like what Artie did here with the Sharks striving for something better and the Jets acting as their oppressors. Maybe a little heavy handed and schlocky, but so is this entire production, as it should be for a high school musical. [ZAC EFRON JOKE TK]

Really the only reason to have this in the show is to finally show the musical and give Santana the lead in yet another awesome song. I'm just going to watch this video about five times in a row and then watch the movie version on YouTube and I'll finish the recap in a little bit. OK?

Here is "One Hand, One Heart," the other snoozefest from Act 2. (Oh my god, I just found this on YouTube. It is the gayest thing ever, even gayer than Kurt's matching leopard print vest and tie from last night.) It's supposed to convince everyone that they're in love and that sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's one on one.

So, after "America" Babygay Kurt was so turned on he found Blaine after the show and was like "Let's bone!" That's as much as I can remember about why they decided to do it. I don't really know. Whatever. They fucked.

Rachel goes over to Finn's house (wearing a capelet, the least sexy article of clothing in the whole world) and tries to win Finn back. He's all upset because the Ohio State scout said his football career is over and he knows he can't be a professional Glee Clubber, so he has no idea what he's going to do in the future. Rachel tells him that he will find some new dreams and that he is someone special. How does she know he's special? Because she's going to let him take her virginity. I love that Rachel can only see how Finn is special in relation to something he did to her. It's the same thing as the first time around, except with more melodrama. But you know Finn took that sympathy pussy all the way to the bank.

The way they handled the two couples having sex was nice and tactful, but, I mean, where was the sex? This was the least sexy episode they could have given us. We've seen the Terry Richardson shoot, we know these kids can sex it up! Give us just a little bit of sizzle. Instead all we got is them lying in bed together and giving each other Eskimo kisses. Not even like full on kiss kisses. Nothing! So chaste. Big blue balls all around.

I will say it is nice that the gay couple and the straight couple got the same treatment. It's not like Finn and Rachel were all True Blood while Kurt and Blaine just laid in bed together fully clothed. That's what I would have expected. They both got the Chastity Club treatment and, while we wished for a little bit more (like Sebastian getting a BJ from Karofsky in the bathroom at Scandals) we'll take our stab at equality, thank you.