The week in satire Vol. #78

A week in which Piers Morgan interviewed his boss – Donald Trump! A week in which President Trump had a performance review with his boss – Vladimir Putin! And a week in which Theresa May met her boss – i.e. whichever rebel she spoke to last!

Fuck me

Most people probably wouldn’t have interviewed Bannon. Not because he was behind the Muslim ban, or because of his involvement with Cambridge Analytica, or because he’s a disgusting bigot in oh-so-many ways. Most people would have avoided him because he looks like the health warning on a cigarette packet.

Not our media, though.

They know the atrocious things he’s done, and they knew his career was over. Rather than allowing it to stay dead, however, they jammed some neck bolts on, hooked up the lightning machine, and Frankensteined the bastard.

BUT WHY?

What do they think the point of the media is? Because it’s not supposed to be a platform for random, horrible pricks to spew their horseshit unbound. That’s what bus stations are for.

Impartiality

No one’s saying you shouldn’t give space to different points of view. But thinking some people are worth less than others isn’t just a point of view; thinking Western society needs to be replaced by the Galactic Empire isn’t just a point of view; and thinking disgraced, would-be fascists deserve a second chance isn’t just a point of view.

These ideas you’re laundering for the far right have a real impact on the world. The fact you still don’t understand that is why things are only getting worse.

Known tough guy Donald Trump met his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin yesterday. And Trump made his feelings about Russia very clear. Namely, by chanting “Russia’s Number One!” for 20 straight minutes.

Patriotism

When the chanting was over, Trump clarified a few things:

Russia’s a fantastic country – truly a great country. And things! Russia has produced many great things. Some of which are better than American things. Bigly better.

The Russian dance, for example, is much better than whatever our dance is. I think it’s the one Johnny Travolta did in Saturday Night Fever, but who knows?

It’s also my opinion that Zangief was the best Street Fighter – way better than Guile. I further state that buildings with onions on top are much cooler than regular buildings, and that Russia’s rubles make US dollars look like…

Trump checked his notes at this point, before going on to say:

…pathetic circles of shit.

I’ll finish by saying that American eagles are no match for the Russian national bird, which is actually a species of ox.

Oh, and death to America!

Thank you for your time.

Treachery?

Many people in the US are convinced that Trump is in Putin’s pocket. Many people around the world in fact.

There’s talk of ‘moderate’ politicians forming a ‘unity government’. If you’re unsure why we need such ‘unity’, here’s a quote:

Have you seen the state of this shit? Fuck me – this is a right fucking mess. The only way to solve this is leaping in bed with the Tories.

Oh, sorry, that’s actually a quote from Sir Nicholas Clegg in 2010 – the disaster in question being the financial crash.

Still though, this ‘unity government’ will be entirely different from the ‘Coalition government’. And how do we know that? Because the people who think the Coalition worked say so.

Here we go again

The Coalition government was filled with politicians who thought austerity was worth pursuing because it gave us a few more years of pretending that capitalism works. The brand new unity government would be filled with politicians who think that… austerity is worth pursuing… because it gives us a few more years… of pretending that… capitalism works.

A unity government worked in World War II, because we were fighting the Nazis. The question in 2018 is this: who are UK politicians fighting? Because when you look at their history – a record of austerity and inequality – it looks like their principle enemy is the British public.

Not all bad

Saying all that though, a unity government wouldn’t be all bad. Some elements of it would be merely dreadful.

The Tories have a department that’s responsible for making sure everyone knows what bastards they are. The anti-PR stunt they came up with this week was a doozy. Namely because it involved swindling a colleague on maternity leave.

Well done, Tories. Not even we predicted you sinking that low.

Scummy to mummies

An undercover reporter photographed a whiteboard at the government’s Ministry of Reputation. The board had a list of all the other ways in which the party is considering tarnishing its already toxic name:

Literally stealing candy from babies.

Installing live hedgehogs as foot scrapers at parliament.

Making Boris Johnson prime minister.

Selling the England squad to that Russian oligarch with the human zoo.

Erecting a statue of Margaret Thatcher forcibly snatching milk from a child.

Erecting a statue of David Cameron forcibly erecting a pig’s head.

Putting Iain Duncan Smith’s face on the new £0 note – a note that will be issued to benefit claimants in lieu of actual money.

Following through on the 2017 manifesto.

Replacing May with a cardboard cut-out of her giving the finger at Prime Minister’s Questions.

Anything Brexit-related – it will always make someone furious.

Reintroducing the Black Death to the North.

For shame

Some people have said the Tories should feel ashamed of their behaviour. The Tories replied:

The notorious Chequers plan saw Theresa May gather her cabinet and make them agree to a Brexit plan. None of them actually agreed with the plan, of course. They merely agreed to have one. Except for the ministers who didn’t, obviously, who’ve all subsequently fucked off.

Regardless of the exodus, the Chequers plan was handed over to the EU. As ever, it hasn’t gone down that well.

Waffle means waffle

According to a senior source at the EU:

It’s just nonsense. The first 100 pages are just the word ‘Brexit’ repeated over and over. The 50 pages after that are ‘Brexit’ but in different fonts.

They tried to get creative after that – writing ‘Brexit’ in other languages and such. Most other languages don’t have a word for ‘Brexit’, though, so they just used foreign words for ‘shit’ like ‘merde’, and ‘scheisse’.

Sadly, there are only so many words for poo. That’s presumably why they switched to writing ‘Brexit’ in binary, morse code, sign language, etc.

The final part was an essay from Jacob Rees-Mogg about what Brexit meant to him. It was just another 30 pages of the word ‘Brexit’.

Still though, it’s a big step up from anything else they’ve sent us.

Culpability

The government has been asked why they even bothered submitting such a steaming pile of Brexit. A spokesperson responded:

When Boris Johnson quit as foreign secretary, he didn’t think he’d have to give up the £20m Foreign Office mansion. He didn’t have a good reason for thinking that. He simply hadn’t thought things through – as per usual.

The idiot’s guide to politics

After resigning as foreign secretary, Johnson had many questions. They included:

Am I still allowed to use the limo?

Am I still allowed to tell people I’m the foreign secretary at parties?

Am I still allowed to make dubious expenses claims? What do you mean I shouldn’t have been doing that anyway? Well, that’s a bloody affront!

Despite being told ‘no’ to all of these, Johnson decided to carry on regardless.

Greasy thug

There was some attempt to shoo Johnson out of the mansion. The former foreign secretary fought back, though. Namely by stripping down to his underpants and covering himself in grease. This prevented the beefeaters charged with evicting him from getting a grip of the slimy oaf.

Since then, Johnson has been sitting around in a pool of his own slipperiness – drinking from the government mini bar and smoking cigars he stole from the Winston Churchill museum.

Still though – at least he isn’t representing us on the world stage anymore. And you can’t put a price on that.

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