Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

I’ve been pushing myself to get out and do more things and push away my feelings. It’s really broken me down. I’ve not just had more episodes, but probably more episodes because of this, because of pushing myself to my limits. Past my limits. I’ve been pushing myself to go to college, socialize, take criticism when I can’t (from family/friends, and take demands), etc. It’s really starting to wear on me. It’s making me more emotional and breaking me down.

My clinic, my nurse practitioner lowered the dosage of my sleeping medication and I haven’t been sleeping. I need that sleep. Every hour I can get, I need it. For my mental health. I really do. It’s so incredibly vital to me. So much so. I used to shun sleep. I thought it was for the weak. I was becoming psychotic without it. Even without just a normal amount. I naturally can’t sleep. So I grew to think that people that did sleep were naturally, just, weak.

I’m not sure if having a full schedule is good for me. I really need downtime. I need that 2-3 hours where I have nothing to do to regain my sanity. To relax. To think. I like being busy. Just not sure that is the life for me where I have something to do every second of the day. It’s just not something that I think is good for my health, because it’s very stressful, and I can only imagine what it’s like for someone else with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, or another severe mental health issue.

I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

My therapist appointment didn’t go well. I called my clinic for help the other day, and I was met with having to sign a consent form to make sure I took my medications. At that point I didn’t even want to talk to my therapist about what was going on with me. I don’t really trust my therapist. I never really have, but I’ve tried opening up once. I don’t know if I can do that again. They want me to be honest, and open, but when I am I feel like it’s used against me. I just can’t trust anyone like that.

No one really understands my situation, but I get that. No one really knows what I’m going through, but I get that. Partly because, I just don’t either tell anyone anything or I say I’m “Ok”. I’m also partly paranoid about telling people stuff, but I know no one can help me. I’ve been in the mental health system since I was 12 or 13, and I have never gotten the help I needed, or true help. I’m put through ringers, or I slip through the cracks. That’s mostly what happens. So when I got around 20 years old I just quit telling people what’s truly going on with me. Just everybody. Not just mental health professionals, but family.

I feel completely lost, and without so much hope, because I have no real support system. My mental health support at my clinic is not stable. They’ve changed my psychiatrist and therapist two or three times in the past two years i’ve been there. I have no friends and my family is in pieces. The typical divorced parents, and one parent does not contact me much.

My therapist said that after a month she will reevaluate giving me hour sessions, more sessions, and not having to have my parent come into the sessions with me. Right now I’m seeing a therapist 30 minutes a month, and I have to have my parent sit in all the sessions with me.

I’m happy, but that took so long. I’ve been seeing her for over 6 months now. Over half a year. Part of me doesn’t understand why I have to fight so hard for good therapy to the point where I have to consider changing therapists or clinics. Nothing is fair at this clinic. They take so much of my money. I thought it was because they were just too booked to get me in for hour sessions, and more sessions. That’s really not the case. I just think they don’t really care. I really don’t.

My psychosis has been getting worse over the past couple of weeks. I think I might be in denial, I don’t know. I keep saying I am having many mini episodes. In reality, I think I am just over the threshold into psychosis now and having bouts of “normalcy” every now and then. My episodes are just more and more, and times when I’m “Ok” is becoming less and less. I am having tons of voices, and my paranoia is ramped up so incredibly high. I get disorganized at times when the voices become overpowering. Maybe my anxiety worsening over the past few months was a sign, I am not even sure. I feel like I knew what the signs were, but either I forgot the signs or they seem to take a different pattern each time. I become confused a lot, even when I’m not hearing voices. I get confused and forget, a lot.

I’ve put a lot on my plate in the past few months; attending college again, getting out more. Actually that’s the main things I’ve been doing, but it’s extremely stressful, and I don’t think I might have taken the right approach to it, and may have done it too fast. I don’t know. I’m really confused about everything right now.

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I started this blog to share my experiences with Schizophrenia and being in the American mental health system. Since then I have made big strides with the help of people around me. You can read about my background on the "About Moze" page. A few paragraph summary of my past and recent life. You can also see what medications I have went through in "Medications". Also, check out my "Goals" page for my most recent accomplished goals!

[On March 1st, 2015, I got a great opportunity to be in a NAMI commercial, that aired May 2015. Check the 'Mental Health Awareness Month' page for more info.]