JenniferAniston has been on baby watch since she married BradPitt—since then, she’s been divorced, and her baby dreams seemed shattered. We thought she might finally settle down with JustinTheroux, but the couple have been fighting for months, and several insiders are sure that he’ll snap under her pressure! We heard that they weren’t having any sex, which certainly puts a kink in the ‘let’s have babies’ plan, but a new source has come forward and reports that not only is she knocked up, it’s twins!

“Jen’s feeling giddy with excitement right now. She’s dying to tell the world her amazing news. She never imagined that at this age she’d be planning to be a first-time mom with twins!” an insider confided to OK! Magazine, print edition February 25, 2013. “There are all kinds of cute baby clothes that she keeps wanting to buy—pink for the girl and blue for the boy, of course!” Jen is in full on baby mode, and is spending every spare minute stalking other celeb moms and searching the internet for trendy baby must-haves.

Since Jen is totally shallow, we’re not at all surprised to learn that she’s more interested in the fun part of parenting—mainly, charging up her AmEx with cute accessories for the kids—than with actual parenting. Thank god she has Justin to remind her that babies aren’t all fun and games. He’s done the research and knows that a natural childbirth will be better for the baby, and has “convinced her it’s the way to go. It’s pretty shocking that she’s on board considering how much she hates pain!” You know what else is shocking? That she’d risk stretch-marks for the sake of a little vomit and diarrhea filled baby. Don’t get me wrong, I adore children. But Jen doesn’t really seem like the person who will be forgiving the first time her baby throws up all over her!

Apparently, Jen is adamant that her kids won’t be spoiled brats “like Brad Pitt and AngelinaJolie’s kids.” Burn! She’s actually starting mommy training, and has hired “a peditracian [to come] to their house for private classes.” Can we all agree how absurd that is? Most expecting moms have family and friends to turn to for advice, but Jen has ostracized everyone in her life by being a spoiled bitch, and so she has to pay people to teach her the basics! I sincerely hope that Jen is not—and never becomes—pregnant. The world is crazy enough without Hollywood’s most desperate stars reproducing and forcing their baggage on a whole new generation! Would Jen’s pregnancy be something worth celebrating, or the mark of the apocalypse?

Editor’s Note: The tabloids have given Jennifer so many sets of twins that by now she should resemble Octomom.