Vegan Valerie Vikiwatsup

Valerie Vikiwatsup was a vegan.
She loved animals and had no intention of ever eating them, cooked or raw.

She also loved lipstick, pink tights and sneakers, she refused to eat them also.
She would talk to horses on courses, dogs on logs, cats chasing rats and squirrels with mustaches.
That’s the problem with squirrels, nothing seems to rhyme with them.
Valerie would argue with most meet people she met, partly because she wore T-shirts with witty slogans like: ‘Vegans are nice people, the rest of you are insensitive murderers.’
She also had another humorous shirt that said: “Eat meat and you deserve the electric chair and I personally will spit on your grave!”
She loved cooking exotic dishes and loved to share with her like-minded friends.
Her specialty was broccoli and onion ice cream, naturally without dairy products.
She found acrylic paint to be an excellent substitute for lactose products.
She had even tried it on calves but they seem to prefer milk.
Does this mean calves are carnivores?
She also found that Plaster of Paris was a delightfully tasty substitute for any meal requiring a filler.
Valerie used this in her soups, and she always insisted her guests hurry along and eat quickly before the soup sets.
Many people liked to argue with her about her diet and because she was a pacifist she never hit them with anything harder than a pumpkin.
She said, this was subtle proof of a vegan’s sensitivity to her fellow-pig-of-a-man.
One day while caressing the leaves on her favorite turnip, she heard a sound, it sounded like, “Hi.”
Then, “Yeah Hi from us too!”
This time it sounded like a whole chorus of ‘Hi’s’.
“Who was that!” she said, turning around, ready to throw a favorite pumpkin.
“Us,” it was the chorus again.
“Are you going to eat us?” Asked the turnips.
“Well, ummm, I thought… ummm errrr, yes, I suppose I was!”
“Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? One minute you’re saying you love us and the next you want to drop us in boiling water!”
“I’m shocked,” she said, “What am I supposed to eat?”
“Try some of those nasty potato things over there, they deserve it!”
“But are they intelligent too?”
“They think they are, but they act like idiots. No one is near as smart as us!”
“Are all vegetables able to talk?” Valerie asked.
“Of course!”
“How come I didn’t know?”
“Because you’re always in such a hurry to eat us.
You’re selfish that’s why, you’re a selfish over-eater!”
Valerie Vikiwatsup snatched every turnip up by the ears and boiled them until she could no longer hear their screams.
Then she made a giant, sugar-coated turnip pie to share with her friends.
Nobody answered her invite to have lunch, so she ate as much of it as she could and gave the rest to a charity, which black-banned her after that.
Now every time she goes to her garden, to choose who dies next, she wears earmuffs.
There is no easy way out in this life.
Death is an inevitable part of the game.
Sometimes, you cannot avoid being the destroyer.
You might walk on an ant or a beetle, accidentally run into an animal while driving, lots of things happen that you have no control over.
It’s the nature of this planet.
No matter what you eat, how much you exercise, what your job is, if you don’t listen to your intuition, you are standing still, fiddling with petty distracting details while big opportunities pass you by.
Your ego has your eyes down studying the head of a pin.
Look up, you’re standing in an infinite existence that has no rules.