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'Blessed are the big noses.'

HORNY PELICAN MISTAKES MAN WITH BIG NOSE FOR HIS FEMALE
Lookin' for Lovin'

Fred Kernedy never hated his big nose more than when a sex-crazed pelican mistook him for a female and tried to make wild and passionate "dirty-bird love" -- to his head!

"It was awful -- a nightmare . . . I wished I was dead," says the 33-year-old man from Tampa, Fla. "All I wanted to do was throw some stale bread to the catfish swimming around in Tampa Bay.

"The next thing I know there's this pelican perched on a pole and he's looking at me with a very distinct gleam in his eye. I remember thinking, 'What's that old boy looking at?'

"And a second later I had the answer. He was looking at me."

Eyewitnesses said the hot-blooded seabird made a beeline for Kernedy, who, by his own admission, "was taken completely by surprise."

"I just stood there like an idiot while that pelican went at me like a dog in heat," he continues. "I started swinging my arms and hitting at it and trying to duck and run and scream at the same time.

"I know it sounds funny, and if it had happened to you instead of me, I'd be laughing, too. But the truth is, it's just about the sickest thing I can imagine.

"Just thinking about it sends cold chills up and down my spine."

Kernedy says he realized about 15 seconds into the attack that the bird wanted some lovin' . "I saw something I hope and pray I never see again," he says -- the business end of a pelican's manhood.

"What can I say? It was awful," he recalls, his face darkening into an angry scowl. "All of this is happening to me in just a matter of a few seconds, but at the time it seemed like it would never end.

"I knew if I didn't do something fast, I'd never be able to look at myself in a mirror again. So I dove straight down into the sandy beach that runs along the edge of the bay, and I started rolling around like you're supposed to do when your clothes catch on fire.

"The pelican stayed with me for a few more seconds -- I know what he wanted, and he wanted it bad.

"But just when I thought he was going to have his way with me, he backed off. The last thing I saw was his ugly butt flying into the sunset."

Kernedy was scratched and bruised but suffered no serious injuries other than what he calls "my wounded pride" in the trans-species sex attack.

He noticed a little later that there was a suspicious "big wet spot" on his shirt, but says, "I'm pretty sure that was just water that splashed up on me when I was rolling around on the beach."

Meanwhile, wildlife experts say it wasn't the first time a pelican has tried to mate with a human with a big nose -- and it won't be the last.

"We get four or five complaints every year, usually from tourists who wear oversized hats or those who have really big noses," says one.

"But this guy did the right thing. When a pelican goes after you, it's always smart to hit the ground rolling.

Is it cause they follow their nose, cause it always knows that they are gods chosen people? j/k
Actually I think jews are an interesting cross section of society... too bad they are being fucking bigots lately.