DISCLAIMER:The characters you recognize belong to Chris
Carter, 1013 Productions, and the whole X-Files gang, not to me.Anyone you don't recognize belongs to me
only marginally--who can really own someone?This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and
myself, not for any profit.

Please
don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express
permission of the author.Thank you
very much.

______________________

Since that
night that my arm was broken, I had thought of Fox Mulder as the source of my
salvation, but until the day I have in mind, I had never thought of myself as
filling a similar role for him...

I was
driving back from a meeting when the phone mounted on my dashboard rang.The dispatcher knew to disturb me only in an
emergency, so I steadied the wheel momentarily with my prosthesis and clicked
the "on" button with a finger.

"Yeah,"
I barked into the speaker.

A hesitant
female voice answered, "Krycek?"

"Scully?"
I asked, steering the car into a nearby parking space so I could pick up the
phone and speak without worrying about driving.

"Where
are you?Er, uh, are you somewhere near
D.C.?"

"Yes,
I am.How did you get this
number?"

She
paused, sounding like she'd been caught doing something illegal."I found it in Mulder's
wallet..."I was about to ask what
she'd been doing going through his wallet when she continued."We need you to come here.It's an emergency."

At first,
I was more puzzled than concerned."Where are you?"

"You
know where Mulder's therapist's office is, don't you?"

I most
certainly did.In fact, I was the one
who'd insisted he talk to someone about some of the problems he'd been having,
and who had set up his first appointment with Dr. Isaacson after I'd done some
background checking on him."What's going on?" I asked, suddenly worried."Put Mulder on."

"I
can't," she replied, with a catch in her voice as if she were going to
cry."How soon can you be
here?"

"I'll
try.Don't panic, okay?" I added
as I hung up, wondering if my admonition were coming a little too late.

Taking a
deep breath, I pulled back out into traffic, taking the first right to turn
around and go in the opposite direction.

Somehow, I
forced myself not to think until I was safely parked in front of the medical
building across town and on my way up in the elevator.As soon as the doors opened, I turned to
walk to Dr. Isaacson's waiting room, but a familiar voice stopped me."Here I am, Krycek."There was Mulder's red-haired partner, a
tightly-wound bundle of copper wire in the middle of the hallway on the
opposite side of the building.It broke
my heart a little to see the frustration and upset on her face.My first instinct might have been to offer
her a comforting hug, but with our peculiar relationship, I couldn't be sure
she wouldn't rip my other arm out if I'd attempted it, so I prepared for a bit
of awkwardness when we were within reach of one another.

As I went
to meet her, she gave a dirty look to an Asian man who approached her,
whereupon I realized she was standing guard over the men's restroom."Is he in there?" I asked
uselessly, cocking my head toward the door.

"He
locked himself in there an hour ago, and hasn't answered anybody for some
time.They called me right away, but I
thought maybe you could get through to him since *I* couldn't..."

I gestured
broadly up and down the hall."Don't
any of these people have *keys* to this door?"

"He
threw the janitor's emergency lock, and nobody can find the janitor to open
it."

Processing
this information, I thought of another question."Wait a minute.If
he's in *there*, how'd you get his wallet to find my number?"

She
proceeded to pull it out of her jacket pocket and hand it to me."According to Dr. Isaacson, when he
stretches out on the couch for his session, he takes his keys, wallet, phone,
and weapon out of his pockets to make himself comfortable."

My sigh of
relief wasn't in the least faked."My next question was going to be if he were armed."

"Thankfully,
no," assured Scully."The
doctor said that they'd been getting close to a breakthrough when Mulder bolted
for the bathroom, and when he wouldn't answer them, they panicked and called
me, since he put me down as his contact in case of emergency."

"And
you had the brainstorm to call *me*, I see..."She nodded, but her eyes never left the doorknob.A young guy in jeans tried to nudge past us
to reach for the door, but I elbowed him away as politely as possible."It's occupied right now,
okay?"He shrugged and wandered
off to the elevator, probably to try the facilities on another floor."You want me to try to pick the
lock?" I offered.

The look
of stunned relief on her face would have been comical if I hadn't been as
terrified as she was."Please?" she asked, without thinking.

Fishing my
lockpick set out of my pocket, I stepped up to the door and set to work.It made me feel better to be doing something
rather than standing there watching her fret.Several tense moments later, the lock gave a satisfying *clack*, and I
straightened up to enter the door.She
stretched up to try to look over my shoulders at the room beyond the opening,
but I turned and held her off gently with an upraised hand, adding, "Let
me do this, okay?"

Nodding
despite her impatient sigh, she moved back an inch or two, and I entered the
washroom cautiously, my fingers grazing the butt of the weapon tucked in the
back of my jeans almost instinctively.I scanned the room, which consisted of three toilet stalls with closed
doors and two freestanding basins, but didn't spot Mulder at first.My eye fell on the window, but I discovered
it to be glass-bricked with a metal vent, so he would have not been able to
escape.Bending down, I glanced under
the enameled walls of the partitions and spotted nice brogans near the last
toilet.

He had to
be sitting uncomfortably on the floor between the wall and the porcelain, and I
wondered idly if he'd been sick."Mulder, is that you?"I rapped on the door softly, noting that it was latched from the inside."Babe, are you okay?"There was no answer."C'mon, gorgeous--let me in."The stillness in the room frightened me, and
I played my trump card."Fox, I
know it's you.Open the door."

A harsh
whisper reached my ears:"Don't
you *ever* call me that again.That's
what *he* called me."The door did
not open, and there was no movement or other sound from the dark shape on the
floor.

The
outside of the door latch was a metal disk with a groove running its diameter,
so I took a chance and slipped a credit card out of Mulder's wallet, which I
still had in my pocket, and fitted it to the groove and gave it a turn.Sure enough, the latch released, and I
tucked the card away as I pushed inside with a knee.

There on
the floor was my beloved Mulder, huddled in the corner, cheeks wan and eyes
puffy with tears.He wouldn't look at
me, so I crouched down to address him at his level."What are you doing on the bathroom floor?"

"Leave
me alone," he growled in a voice that broke on the last syllable."You don't want to be here."

I stood
back up briefly to lock us inside the stall so we could have a little privacy
in case anyone came in, then settled with my back against it."You can't make me leave, Mulder.We were worried about you.You scared Scully half to death.You're scaring *me* now."

"I
don't care," he wailed, tears running anew from the corners of his eyes as
he stared at a point on the floor somewhere beyond me."I don't deserve your attention.Just get out."

"No.I don't believe that you don't care.If you didn't care about *something*, you
wouldn't be in here crying all alone.Now, I'm not going anywhere while you're like this.I love you, and want to take you
home."He gave his head a slow,
negative shake, but remained silent."What's
wrong?Are you going to throw up?"

"I
did that already," he murmured like a guilty child."It didn't help."

Careful
not to touch him, I bent in a little closer to him."Do you want a drink of water, or do you still feel
sick?"

His only
answer was an unhelpful nod.

As quickly
as I could, I got up and ducked out of the stall door, fetched a paper cup from
a dispenser on the wall, and filled it with water from the sink, then resumed
my position near the distraught man.Rather than force him to touch my hand, I set the flat-bottomed cup on
the floor within his reach and sat back against the door."I want you to drink a little bit of
that if you can.Can you do that for
me?"

Neither
one of us moved for a few moments, but I could see his eyes watching the cup
steadily.At last, he reached out and
lifted the water to his lips, taking a small sip and rolling it around in his
mouth, then spitting it into the toilet.

"Does
that taste better?" I asked in my best non-threatening voice.

Again I
got a shy nod, followed by his taking a genuine swallow from the cup.I was pretty sure he'd stopped crying, so I
kept quiet while he sipped at the water.When he'd finished, he set the cup back down on the floor.

"How's
that?Okay?" I asked, prompting
another nod.Tearing off some toilet
paper, I handed it to him."Here,
babe--blow your nose."

He did as
I asked, stuffing the used paper into the cup.Finally he looked into my eyes, horror evident just behind his
gaze."Thank you, Alex," he
muttered, stirring a prayer of gratitude in my heart.

Assuming a
light tone, I teased, "Can we get out of here soon?It's cold on this floor, and I'd bet
somebody else might need to use the toilet..."Experimentally, I began to stand up, holding my hand out for his.

Gnawing on
his lip nervously, he pushed up from the floor and took my hand.As suspected, it was quite cold and shaking
a little."Did Scully call
you?" he asked finally.

We stood
awkwardly in the stall holding hands."What did you expect her to do?You wouldn't answer her."

At that,
he looked a little sheepish."Sorry," he muttered, looking right at me again.

"Don't
tell me--tell *her*.Now open the door,
babe.I'm a little stuck here," I
added, indicating both his left hand holding mine in a vice-like grip and my
prosthesis.

He gave me
a small grin and reached for the latch."Do you still love me?" he asked, as if he were unsure of my
response.

"Of
course, baby.Always."

"Me,
too," he admitted as he opened the door and let me lead him back out into
the hall.

Scully
nearly fell into the room as we opened the outer door, giving her listening
position away."Mulder?" she
asked, her eyes all concern for him, not even acknowledging me.

"I
left my stuff in the doctor's office," he muttered as soon as he saw her,
breaking free of my hand and striding on ahead, as his partner and I scurried
along behind him.

The
tableau of startled faces in the waiting room of the doctor's office as we
trailed him inside was unnerving.A
receptionist and a nurse immediately jumped to detain Scully but ignored me, so
I followed Mulder.

To my
surprise, he stood quietly knocking on the door of his inner office.Holding back a bit, I watched as the door
opened.

Dr.
Isaacson, a somewhat portly, avuncular man with extremely intense eyes,
emerged, shutting the door behind him."Mr. Mulder?I'm with
another patient now.How can I help
you?"

"I
need my stuff," he answered vaguely.

"I
gave it to the receptionist.She
promised she'd take good care of it.Is
that all right?"

"Yeah,"
he called over his shoulder as he departed back to the front desk.

"I
have advised my staff that your friend is not allowed access to his service
weapon.I'm sure you
understand..."

Knowing
how this order would tick my lover off, I suggested an alternative."I'm sure you are aware that his
partner is also an agent of the F.B.I.Perhaps she could be given responsibility for it in the interim."

"Very
well," he replied, buzzing an intercom on the wall and speaking quietly to
whomever answered.

When he
rang off, I addressed him again."Do you think that Mulder is a danger to himself or to others right
now?"

I pondered
my response for a moment."I don't
know.Perhaps if I knew what was
wrong..."

"Can
you bring him back tomorrow afternoon?" he asked suddenly, as if I'd
reminded him of something he'd forgotten."I think with your *relationship*, it would be helpful to have you
in the room during his session.I took
the liberty of inviting Dr. Scully to join us already.I hope that's all right..."

"Sure,
no problem," I answered, running over the list of my appointments I'd need
to reschedule in my head and disregarding the extra emphasis he'd put on the
word "relationship"."I
assume you're going to ask us to keep an eye on him until then?"

"I
think that that would be a good idea," Isaacson warned obliquely."I'll see you at one-thirty
tomorrow," he dismissed, returning to his patient with no further word to
me.

As I
returned to the waiting room, there was an electricity in the air.All eyes made a point to turn away from my
lover and his partner, who stood in the middle of the room deep in
conversation.

"*No*,
Mulder," she said, as finally as she could."I'll take care of it.You can trust me."I knew
without asking that they were discussing his Sig Sauer.

"But,
Scully..." he started to wheedle and whine, towering over her like an
petulant teenager begging gas money from his frugal mother.

Coming up
to his left side, I grasped his wrist firmly."Come on, babe.We can
discuss this in the car.Let's get out
of here."Scully, bless her,
followed my lead as I began to escort him out of the office.Mulder took the hint and shut up to go
home.We had an elevator to ourselves
as we went downstairs, so I ventured the question, "So--where to?"

"You're
both coming to stay at my place," insisted Scully, who had obviously
worked everything out in her head while she'd been waiting for me to get him
out of the men's room.

"Yes,
ma'am," I replied, only slightly in jest.

"But,
why?" tuned up Mulder again, but I was impressed by the way that the small
woman at his side silenced him with only a stern glance.

"It's
for your own safety, Mulder," she chided in a near-whisper.

Apparently
afraid of her reaction should he whine again, he grumbled under his breath, but
loud enough for me to hear, "It's like you don't trust me."

Just as
softly, she explained, "When you behave like you did this afternoon, I
don't know if I *should* trust you."Obviously, he had failed to account for how finely she was attuned to
his voice."Right now, let's take
this one day at a time.Is your
overnight bag in your car?"

"As
always," he answered, stepping out of the elevator into the lobby.

Moving
across the lobby and exiting to the parking area, she kept giving orders."Give Krycek your keys and he can bring
it with him in his car.This is a
secure lot, I see.We'll leave your car
here overnight and pick it up tomorrow.You're coming with me."

At this,
he dug in his heels."I want to
ride with Alex."It was nice to
see my cowed lover show a little backbone after all he'd been through that
afternoon.

Scully
stopped suddenly and considered this option."Fine," she replied, "but in that case, I'll take your
bag.Give *me* your keys."

That time
we *both* whined, "Why?"

"Frankly,
I don't trust *either* of you."She was smiling slightly, but somehow I knew she wasn't quite kidding,
so I nudged Mulder to hand over his keys, which he did with a stubborn
grunt."I'll expect you at my
apartment within the hour," she flung back at us as she headed for his
car.

We stood
shoulder to shoulder, watching her departure."If I weren't intimately attached to my dick, I'd be tempted to
hot-wire your car anyway, just because."

As I had
intended, Mulder finally let out a little bark of a laugh at my remark."And if I weren't intimately *involved*
with your dick, I'd help you.C'mon--let's get a move on..."Off he wandered to where he could see I'd parked (illegally, of course).

I followed
quickly, calling after him, "Hey!Where does *your* dick fit in all of this?"

Once we
were settled in my car, we fell into an uneasy hush.I followed Scully's car for a couple of blocks, then
intentionally fell back and "lost her" in traffic.At the next light, I hesitated before
selecting my lane."So, what'll it
be, gorgeous?Left, we go straight to
Scully's place.Right, we take the
"scenic route".You call
it."

Horns began
to sound behind me the second the light turned green, but he still pondered a
moment longer."Right," he
answered at last, and I signaled and got out of the way quickly to follow his
instructions.

We drove a
little while longer in silence until he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Well?"

"Well,
what?" I replied, volleying back to him as I'd been trained to do in
negotiations.I knew I couldn't let him
see how worried I really was, now that we were apparently on equal footing
again.

"Aren't
you going to ask me what's up?"

Glancing
at him, then returning my eyes to the road, I shrugged."I figured you'd tell me when you were
good and ready.Are you good and
ready?"

"I
don't know," he demurred, suddenly quiet again.

"See?I knew what I was doing."Letting him stew for a little while, I
finally asked, "So, what *is* up?"

Staring
off into the distance, he finally replied, "I can't really say."

"Can't
say, like you can't tell me, or can't say, like you're not really sure?"

His eyes
fell shyly into his lap."A little
of both."

After a
few more silent blocks, I offered, "You know you can tell me anything,
right?Look, I know we both have our
secrets, but I'm willing to listen to anything you need to tell me, ever,
okay?"

I could
feel how earnestly he looked at me as I drove."I want to tell you what's going on in my head, but I just can't,
you know?"

Stopping
at a light, I turned to give him a sympathetic look."That's okay, babe.You will when you're ready.I
can wait.I still love you."

"Good,"
he sighed."I love you, too.Thanks for understanding."

"Anytime,"
I replied, turning the car back in the direction of Scully's.

As soon as
we were inside Scully's door, it felt like we were crashing at a friend's while
the exterminators fumigated our own place, the fact that we did not live
together notwithstanding.J.J. was out
of the country for a month, so Scully had let the housekeeping go a little to
seed, meaning *two* plants were slightly wilted from lack of water, and the
bathtub hadn't been scrubbed in four days.Mulder and I tried not to laugh while she apologized for the
"pigsty" appearance of her apartment.

Mulder's
overnight bag had been tucked in the spare bedroom, so I put mine (which also
traveled in my car at all times) alongside it.A very long debate resulted in a delivery of Chinese food, since we
couldn't agree as to what to get on a pizza, and our dinner entertainment was
graciously supplied by cable TV, though I doubt any of us really could have
recalled what we watched.The
proverbial elephant on the dining room table loomed at us as we ate, not a one
of us brave enough to start asking any of the hard questions about the events
of the afternoon.

We excused
ourselves to bed before the late talk shows got started, and remained quiet as
we turned down the covers and prepared for sleep.A small nightlight's glow made it possible for me to watch
Mulder's face as he lay down and settled against the pillows at my side.

"It's
been a couple weeks since I've been able to get away and see you," I
recalled."Do you want
to...?"I let the question ask
itself in the night, sliding my hand soothingly down his t-shirt-clad chest.

His spine
stiffened visibly in the low light."I don't know..." he began, seemingly afraid either to turn into
my arms or away from me.

Rolling
toward him, I stroked his thigh sensuously, taking my time with my lover as if
he were a virgin."At least kiss
me, Mulder."He did so without
conviction, then drew fractionally away."What's the matter, babe?Isn't it happening?"

Pointedly
looking away from me, he shook his head."No.Sorry."

My hand
surreptitiously reached for his cock, which lay limply against his leg."Don't ever apologize about this,
love.I thought that this was why you
were seeing the doctor."

I moved my
hand to cup his chin tenderly."You *know* that he said he wanted to eliminate all possibilities
before he started with that.If there's
nothing else wrong, I'm sure he'll give you something to get you through this
bad patch."This time I kissed him
firmly, not letting him pull away until his mouth responded to mine.Grinning sneakily, I asked, like I had so
many months before, "Can you hold me until I fall asleep?"

Hesitantly,
he smiled, then obligingly wrapped his arms around me.Enveloped in his warmth, no matter how
strained, I was quickly unconscious.

Some hours
later, I awoke to note the patterns that the nightlight threw onto the ceiling
until I realized that I was alone.Immediately I listened for any sound of Mulder nearby.When I could hear nothing, I hopped out of
bed to look for him.

No Mulder
could be found stretched out on the living room sofa, staring out the front
window, or even raiding the fridge for leftover kung pao chicken.I gave a light knock on the bathroom door,
and when there was no answer, I even opened up to find it dark and empty.Keeping panic at bay as best I could, I
checked the front door, which was bolted solidly, giving me some comfort until
I remembered that Mulder owned a set of Scully's keys.

Wondering
if he had in fact swiped back his own keys and escaped, I decided to look in
the only room I hadn't dared check yet.On tiptoe, I approached Scully's bedroom, whose door was standing
open.There were no voices coming from
inside, so I peeked in as unnoticeably as possible.To my surprise, two bodies lay side by side on her bed,
apparently sound asleep.True, Mulder's
was stretched out on top of her covers, but it was a little jarring to see them
together like that.My mind was a
jumble of questions as I crept back to my sleeping quarters and stared at the
shapes on the ceiling until dawn.

I was the
first one out of bed in the morning, though I was still exhausted from lack of
sleep, and sat on the sofa looking at nothing in particular.Conversations that I could never have with
Mulder, especially considering the events of the day before, echoed in my mind.("You fucked her, didn't
you?""No.""But you *have* fucked her
before...""No.""Admit it--you couldn't sleep until
she'd made you come.""No..."At this point in my narrative, tears would
be streaming down his face, and my voice would assume a furious snarl:"Then why did you leave *my* bed?")It hurt someplace behind my breastbone to
think of saying these things to my beloved, but they would not be silent.

More than
anything, I wanted a left hand right then so I could press the heels of my
palms into my eyes and make the pictures in my head go away.Instead, I crooked my elbow on the back of
the couch and buried my nose against my warm skin, slamming my eyelids shut
tight to hold the wetness inside.

"Alex?"
I heard his voice say somewhere behind me.

A hard,
deep breath or two, and I could raise my head to look at him."Hi," I chuffed out, my voice not
quite ready for longer sentences yet.

He sat in
the upholstered side chair, as far away from me as he could be while still
being in the conversational grouping."I guess you slept okay..."

"Up
to a point," I answered, my gaze at him turning accusatory against my
better judgement.

Pulling
back in his chair, he forcibly glanced elsewhere."Sorry," he muttered, reading my meaning instantly.

None of
the angry words I'd repeated in my head had any right to come out, so my mouth
was left saying a lukewarm "You do what you have to..."

Had he
been one-hundred percent, my Mulder would have fallen to his knees on the floor
in front of me at that remark, explaining every last thing he was thinking and
begging me to take him back to bed right then.The sheer wrongness of everything clicked into place when he replied,
"Yeah," and stalked off to the kitchen.

Scully's
military upbringing was baldly obvious in her regulation cheery entrance moments
later."Good morning,
Krycek," she chirruped, still uncomfortable calling me by my first name,
though I thought she'd gotten used to it in the two years I'd spent with her
partner.

"Scully,"
I nodded back."He's in the
kitchen."

"Yep--he's
a bigger coffee hound than *I* am," she smiled, sitting on the opposite
end of the sofa.Suddenly her voice
dropped out to address me in a breathless whisper."Did you guys sleep all right last night?Was he okay?"

Blessed
relief washed over me.She didn't know.He'd crept into her bed and fallen asleep
beside her without even waking her up.I couldn't help but feel guilty even though I hadn't made the
accusations that had been ringing in my ears."I think he slept at least some.I did the best I could."

She gave
me the sweetest smile and patted the back of my hand as it rested in my lap,
passing along reassurances that I needed more than I could say."We don't have to leave until
twelve-thirty.If you need forty winks
sometime this morning, you've got some extra time."

Feeling
like I could face the day again, I returned her smile before she wandered off
to help with the coffee.Snagging a
tissue from the box on the corner of the coffee table, I dabbed at the corners
of my eyes once I was sure no one was watching.

Our
morning ablutions were accomplished like a close order drill, getting all three
of us showered and shaved and brushed and dressed all while never coming into
each other's range of vision.We took
turns on Scully's desktop computer, and more than one of us could be found
napping on the sofa at some time before we grabbed a light lunch and piled into
Scully's car bound for the doctor's office.

Dr.
Isaacson's consultation room was a darker, less-threatening version of every
office of an authority figure in which I'd ever found myself, from that of my
old political science professor to that of Assistant Director Walter Skinner,
with a few less-pleasant ones in between and since.Heavy drapes were drawn against the brilliant midday sun, and dust
motes drifted in the tiny beams that remained to filter down onto rows of
neatly-shelved books.

Mulder was
most definitely the center of attention at this gathering, even though he
huddled in the corner of a big leather couch.Scully sat beside him, cradling his wallet and phone in her lap like
baby kittens in case he felt the need to stretch out full-length.The doctor took up a position before Mulder
so he could address him directly, and I sat somewhere behind him so I could
watch my beloved as he spoke, adding to my feeling of being an outsider at the
party.

I wasn't
sure if he were attempting hypnotism, but the doctor asked his questions in
such measured and soothing tones that I almost dropped off myself.Lulled by the safe, comforting aura of the
room and the therapist, Mulder soon began to spin out sad tales of his younger
self, the product of a troubled marriage between an alcoholic operative in the
early phases of the consortium that had employed me and a distant, reserved
woman whose allegiances were never clear.

"Now,
Mr. Mulder, yesterday, before you left me in such a rush, it seemed as if you
remembered something very important.Do
you recall what that was?"Mulder's eyes were closed, though he sat upright, so he didn't see the
doctor's small signal to Scully.She
nodded in reply, agreeing, I'm sure, to make a grab for him if he tried to run
again.

"Yeah,"
he sighed, "I had noticed that you used to smoke a pipe, didn't
you?"His eyes, almost consumed by
his pupils in the dark room, confronted the doctor.

"Yes,"
he replied, "but not for a couple of years.You could smell that?" he marveled at his patient's
investigative skills.

Mulder
grinned shyly."It never leaves
these old books.My father's study
smelled like this, and he smoked a pipe for awhile, too."

I could
only assume that the doctor smiled in gentle recognition."So tell me what's important about your
father's study."

He
swallowed defensively and shifted in his seat."I remember I was afraid to go into it for a long time."

"Why
were you afraid?"

"Because
there were monsters in there."This made me wonder how much of his work old Bill Mulder used to bring
home from the office.

"How
old were you at the time?"

"Nine
or ten."It seemed a little
advanced an age for closet monsters, but I did not interrupt.

"What
kind of monsters were they?"

"The
kind that eat little boys..."His
voice had become thinner, younger somehow.It sounded eerily familiar to me, so I did not laugh at this description
as I might have otherwise.

"And
the monsters lived in your father's study?"This did not get a verbal response, but only a nod."So you stayed out of there..."

"Most
of the time."

"You
mean you went in sometimes."He
answered with another nod."Even
though your father warned you not to, or because of the monsters?"There was no response."Did your father make up a story about
monsters to keep you out of his study?"

Still
speaking in his younger voice, he shook his head no and replied, "No.They were real."

"You
didn't know about the monsters when you first went in?"Another headshake."But you saw the monsters when you were inside?"He gave the tiniest of nods."Were you afraid that you would be
eaten?"

"He
did try to eat me, but I got away."At some point he must have toed off his shoes, because he then drew his
stocking feet up onto the couch and hugged his knees against his chest.

"The
monster tried to eat you?What did he
do?"

"I
didn't know right away that he was dangerous.He just looked normal at first. I went in very quietly because he was making a lot of noise.I was hoping he wouldn't notice me, but he
did.His breath smelled funny, and he
talked like he was sleepy.He told me
that my mouth was pretty, and he started kissing me.I didn't want him to kiss me, but he did it anyway."

"Did
you try to make him stop?"

"I
think I was crying, but it just made him laugh and rub his belly.He told me he wanted to eat me up."

"What
happened then?"

I could
see tears creeping from Mulder's eyes as they peered over his knees at the
doctor."He took down my pants and
touched my penis."

Scully
released an audible gasp at this, which distracted me briefly, but suddenly I
knew where I'd heard that voice before.My thoughts quickly flew to that night in the apartment in Chicago when
I had fondled Mulder as he slept, only to be rebuffed by a childish voice
asking me to stop.Monsters, indeed...

In the
gentlest of voices, Dr. Isaacson asked, "What did the monster do
next?"

The catch
in Mulder's voice broke my heart as nothing I'd heard that afternoon had
done."He tried to eat my
penis.He licked it and put his mouth
on it, and I was really scared."

"I'm
sure you were," the older man interjected reassuringly."What did you do then?"

"I
puked on the floor, and the monster got mad, and I ran away."

My vision
blurred with angry tears, but I could still see Scully's gaze of sympathetic
horror at the knowledge of what had happened to her partner.

"Did
the monster leave you alone after that?"

"No.He'd come into my room when I was asleep and
wake me up so he could try it again.Sometimes he'd leave me alone if I pretended to have a stomachache or
something, but usually even that didn't stop him."

"Did
the monster ever do anything else?"

"Sometimes
he'd play with his own penis, or tell me to do it for him."

"Did
he come into your room a lot?"

"Yeah--he'd
have a fight with Mom, and she'd stop speaking to him, and then he'd get really
drunk and show up by my bed..."

Scully was
sobbing out loud by now, but Mulder didn't seem to notice her, wrapped as he
was in the memories of his childhood torment.

"Do
you know who the monster was?" the doctor asked, though by now we all had
figured it out.

Mulder
gulped and closed his eyes, mouthing "It was my father..." almost
soundlessly before dissolving into sobs of his own.Isaacson stood and moved to the window, perching on a bench
behind me to take a deep breath and absorb all he had heard.

I had
wondered if I'd ever hear all of Mulder's story, but I never realized how hard
it would hit me once he said aloud the words at which he'd merely hinted that
night in Chicago.Weeping openly, I
held back from going to his side, letting Scully curl against him on the couch,
offering and seeking comfort in a single motion.

The doctor
made a few notes in a book on his desk, letting us cry ourselves out for a
little while.While I wanted nothing
more than to wrap my arms around Mulder and tell him I loved him no matter
what, somehow I felt that this kind of reaction might not be received in the
spirit it was intended.At last I
coughed and found a box of tissues on the table beside me, taking a few for
myself and walking it over to the bereft couple on the couch.

I
muttered, "Excuse me.I need to
use the washroom," and started to head for the door until the doctor
stopped me.

"Mr.
Arntzen," he called, making Scully look up, quite puzzled."I think our session is done for
today.My calendar is full tomorrow,
but could you and Dr. Scully bring Mr. Mulder in again at the same time on
Friday?"

"Sure,"
I agreed, then turned to Scully."Do you want to meet me...?"

Isaacson
cut me off gently."Please--feel
free to use the quiet room just to the right of this door when you return.You may stay there as long as you
like."He included the others in
his kindly, magnanimous gaze.

To tell
the truth, I wasn't sure when I left for the restroom that I wouldn't end up
crouched on the floor myself.Luckily,
however, my lunch stayed put, and I composed myself in a stall for awhile
before going back.My biggest regret at
that moment was that I'd already shot Bill Mulder, making it quick and
easy--all I wanted was the chance to kill him again, this time very slowly and
painfully.Every time I thought of what
he'd done to his son, tears welled up in my eyes again.No wonder Fox hated that name.I could hear the old man's voice beckoning
him close in that sloppy drunken voice, and I had to swallow hard to keep from
crying out in anguish.

At last I
felt well and steady enough to go back and face my lover and his partner,
though the mirror tried to tell me otherwise.The door of the quiet room was shut when I arrived, so I knocked on it
gently.To my surprise, Mulder himself
opened the door, and inside I could see Scully, crying uncontrollably again
with her head on a conference table: the exact opposite of the scene I'd been
expecting.He only looked haunted,
having apparently wept enough for the time being.

Words that
would have eased our awkwardness were nowhere near my brain at the moment, and
I came into the room stiffly, wishing I felt less unwelcome."What can I do?" I finally asked,
reaching out to rub his arm cautiously.

After a
long, thoughtful pause, he closed his hand over mine."Alex," he whispered, his eyes searching mine for
answers, "did you kill my father?"

My lip
began to quiver despite my best efforts."Yes, babe, I did."

"Then
you've done everything I could have asked already," he replied, pulling me
close and embracing me at last.While I
wanted to comfort him, it felt so much better to be held tight in his
arms."I love you," he
murmured into my ear, which for some reason made me start to sniffle again.

"Me,
too," I answered, my voice a tight squeak, and I squeezed him as hard as I
could.I felt myself being steered to a
chair and sat, letting go of Mulder reluctantly.He sat next to me, which I discovered was a seat between mine and
Scully's.

Taking
control of the room through some source of strength I envied at that moment, he
reached for her back and petted her like one would a terrified child.In a moment, her head was up off the table
and nestled on his shoulder, whereupon he turned and held out his arm to me in
a parallel gesture, and I followed her example.We sat like that for awhile, a small warm fortress against the
cold realities in our midst.

"Thank
you both for being here," he began, sounding raw as a wound."I hope you know I love you both more
than anything in the world, and needed you here so I could tell you what you
needed to know.I can't say whether I
was truly repressing some of those memories subconsciously, or if I'd chosen to
shut them away, but now I feel like I've been lying to you all these
years..."

"No,"
I interrupted, "you haven't lied about anything.Those things were part of a past that was too painful for you to
discuss, and you are entirely without blame for that."

"Yes,
Mulder," added Scully tremulously."You were just a little boy.You didn't do anything wrong.You have to know that..."

"I
know," he answered, smiling and kissing her on top of the head, making her
smile a little in return."I've
got a lot of work I need to do, maybe with some kind of support group, but I
think I've made some progress here."

I didn't
know if I agreed with his assessment completely, but I had to admit that
important steps had been taken.Maybe
we'd get through this after all...

In less
than an hour, we were ready to head back to Scully's, which seemed like the
best base of operations for our continued Mulder-recovery program.We confirmed our appointment for two days
later with the receptionist, then negotiated travel there.Scully clucked her tongue at us when Mulder
held out his hand for his own car keys, but turned them over to him without
much fuss when we promised to appear on her doorstep in the allotted time.

I noted
that he'd learned a few things from me, for he faded back in traffic and lost
her quite easily.Maneuvering the
vehicle onto a secluded sidestreet, he parked in the first available space and
turned off the engine, then just sat and looked at me.

"What?"
I finally had to ask.

"Come
here," he growled, reaching for me hungrily.

Shrugging
my acquiescence, I fell happily into his embrace and returned his very eager
kisses.His tongue forced its way
inside my mouth and tasted every surface therein, which I didn't mind at
all.However, his hands soon crept into
my lap and started fondling me shamelessly.

As he
broke from my lips and began nibbling at my carotid artery, I felt I should
lodge a protest."Babe," I
tried to call to him, but he sucked even harder at my neck.My zipper was yanked down, and his nimble
fingers snuck into my open fly."Babe," I scolded him again, though he continued his
activities and ignored me completely.Eventually, I had to grasp his hand and pull it forcibly, though
carefully, off of my slowly-responding dick and away from me."Mulder, what the hell do you think
you're doing?" I finally asked him.

"Giving
you a blow job," he answered, bending immediately from my well-chewed
throat and lowering his face to the opening in my pants.

I shoved
him back into a sitting position abruptly."Oh, no, you're not.It's
broad daylight, and we're on a city street, dummy.Wait till we get back."

"Don't
wanna," he muttered, reaching once again to encircle my organ with his
thumb and forefinger."Gotta make
you come..."

Grabbing
his wrist firmly, I held him as still as I could."Stop it, Fox!" I shouted to distract him from his
fevered goal.

At once,
he let go of my cock and snapped his head up straight."What did you just call me?" he
hissed through gritted teeth.

Disregarding
his glare, I put myself back together as fast as I could, then poked a finger
hard against his slightly-heaving chest."In case I need to remind you, *you* are a government agent.If you keep this up, I guarantee you that
you will get arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior, *Fox*."Using his given name was suddenly a very
different device than it had always been between us.

"Who
the hell is going to arrest me, *Krycek*?" he asked, biting off the
syllables of my name to leave sharp, stinging edges.

"I'll
call up Scully myself and give her a lead.Do you want me to do that?"My voice may have sounded calm and steady, but my heart was racing in my
chest at this sudden aberrant behavior in my beloved.

Harrumphing
dramatically, he spun in his seat to face the wheel once again."Okay, I'll leave you alone for now,
just as long as you promise to stop calling me by that stupid *name*..."

"No,
babe, I can't do that."

"Why
not?" he barked, glancing sharply at me before he restarted the car.

"Sometimes
it's the only way I can get your attention, stupid."

He looked
away from me like he found me disgusting and turned the key in the ignition.

I grabbed
his wrist again in an attempt to make him stop and think a moment."Wait, Mulder.Are you really all right to drive?"

"I'm
fine," he announced angrily, steering us efficiently into a driveway on
the far side of the street and turning around to head back to the main road.

We got
back to Scully's apartment without incident, and without further conversation
of any kind.If I'd only been able to
get the picture of little Fox being tormented by his cruel and twisted old man
out of my head, I might have had the energy to wonder what my beautiful,
fucked-up Mulder was thinking in his own.

I'd been
sipping at a water bottle ever since lunch, so as soon as I walked in the door,
I went off to the bathroom.My
reflection in the medicine cabinet still showed me a soul troubled by demons
that may have been more than it could handle, so I ignored it for the time
being.

Coming
back out to the living/dining room, I found Scully skimming through her e-mail
alone."Where's Mulder?" I
asked.

"He
went for a run," she replied without taking her eyes off of the screen,
obviously assuming that it was a reasonable use of his time.

This
stopped me cold."Do you think
that was wise?" I quizzed her.

"Why
not?" she asked back, turning to glance at me, then back to her messages.

"I'd
really rather he not be out of our control for any length of time."

*That* got
her to spin around to me."You
don't think we can trust him."I
was expecting it to be a question, but it wasn't.

"No,
I don't," I answered, finding a chair and pointing it in her
direction.Never having trained as a
distance runner, I was loath even to consider going after him."He's been acting strangely
lately."

She
reached behind her and closed her mail window, then turned her chair to face
me."I can only assume so, since
he's been seeing Dr. Isaacson.He
didn't seem that much different to *me*..."

"He
tried to blow me in the car on the way home," I confessed.

Arching
her eyebrow, she joked, "While he was driving?"

"No,"
I insisted."He pulled over
first.It was just that we were on this
little side street with houses everywhere.I didn't think he'd do that in public in the middle of the day like
that."

Sighing
tiredly, she nodded her agreement."True, that seems sort of out-of-character for him, but then, you'd
know that better than I would..."I didn't answer her, and she didn't seem to expect me to do so."It might be none of my business, but
what made you insist that he seek professional help?"

"At
this point, I doubt there's much that *isn't* your business."My comment made her smile and look away,
indicating that she was just a little embarrassed, but not that she didn't feel
the same way."Well, how do they
say it in the commercials?He's been
suffering from a bout of, um, erectile dysfunction."

"Well,
he *is* forty years old..."

"Which
isn't that old, really," I corrected her."Trust me, Scully:it was
unusual for him--well, for *us*..."

"I'll
take your word for it," she assented.

"But
you understand that I couldn't rule out something other than a physical cause,
don't you?"

"Of
course.You sound like his medical
doctor..."

"As
if you'd have done anything differently!" I reminded her amusedly.

"True!"
she admitted, chuckling.

Getting
back to my original point, I continued."Now that he's had this "breakthrough", for want of a
better term, I sort of expected things to get back to normal--maybe not right
away, but eventually.But the thing in
the car... That's got me a little worried."

I couldn't
remember if I'd ever actually said those words to Scully, so it sounded a
little more important to my ears when I answered, "Yes. Yes, I do.More than life itself..."

Her smile
gave me a little glimmer of hope, as it had every time I'd received one since
this whole ordeal began."Good.I'm glad.He needs somebody to love him like that,
especially now."

A germ of
an idea popped into my head."Have
*you*?"

The
puzzlement that crossed her face enhanced her smile instead of erasing it."Have I *what*?"

"Loved
him like that..." I finished simply, watching her amused expression.

"I
wish I could have," she answered with a little blush."It wasn't ever what we were about,
even before J.J. came into the picture.I've never stopped caring about him, but I think I figured out he was
gay before *he* did...That was *your*
fault, you know," she scolded playfully.

"Sorry,"
I interjected with a sheepish grin.

"Don't
be," she corrected quickly."You've been very good for him.You make him smile like nothing else ever has.It's nice to see him so happy, when so much of his life has been
so sad."

Suddenly,
the reason why we were here came flooding back to submerge the light mood that
the room had attained."What do we
do now, Scully--or would you prefer that I call you Dana?"

"Mulder
only calls me Scully, but I answer to either."

"I
think I'll stick with Scully, too, since I'm used to hearing him call you
that.While we're at it, I hope you can
call me Alex.It's what Mulder calls
me."

I could
see her test it out in her mind and give her tacit approval."Y'know what?" she interrupted
herself, breaking into a cute little laugh.

"What?"

"I
think we're bonding here.Doesn't it
feel like it to you?"

Even I had
to laugh then."Yep.Scary, ain't it?"

"Completely
terrifying.But at least we'll make a
unified front when our patient proves difficult.So, Alex, you were asking what we do now.I think we just keep caring, keep supporting
him, keep loving him, even if he's impossible sometimes."

"Hey,
he's impossible sometimes anyway!" I teased.

"Ohhhh,
yeah," she agreed, shaking her head bemusedly.

"How
long do you think he'll keep up this acting out?"

At this,
she hopped out of her seat and started digging through her work satchel,
bringing a pamphlet over to where I sat and dragging her chair next to
mine."I picked up this brochure
on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at the doctor's office.It sounded like what Mulder might be going
through--you know:the withdrawal, the
anger, the re-experiencing of the trauma.The experts don't give a real time frame here--I imagine each case is
different."

"Anything
we need to watch out for?"

She
scanned it quietly for a moment, then handed the paper to me, reading from it
over my shoulder."It sounds like
more of the same.Feelings of
detachment from familiar things.Irritability and lashing out.The inability to be loving or trusting.The victim might become self-destructive, trying to numb his emotions
with alcohol or drugs..."

"Fuck..."

Putting
her hand on my arm, she looked into my face suddenly."What is it?"

"It's
so strange to think of Mulder as a *victim*..."

Realization
drew her gaze inward."Yeah...
Actually, it is, and it isn't...It's
like there's always something against him in this world..."

The truth
of her words hit me like a fist connecting with my solar plexus, because for
some portion of my dealings with Fox Mulder, that something was *me*.Of course, I couldn't tell *Scully* that, so
I sat there mutely for a moment, blinking back inadvertent tears that I was
sure she wouldn't notice.

I was
right.Her own thoughts kept her from
glancing back at my face for as long as I required to regain my composure."He needs us now, more than ever, and
we can't turn our backs on him, no matter how much he may reject us or try to
hurt us like he's been hurt."She
turned huge, brimming eyes to me, adding, "Can I count on you to be there
for him, to be strong for him with me, Alex?"

"Always,
Scully."Somehow it felt
completely natural and *right* to take her in my arms right then and hold her
for as long as we both could stand, which was a helluva lot longer than I would
have put money on at any time in my past.Mulder might have needed *us*, but to help him deal with his recovered
memories and getting back to his everyday life, I could tell that we were going
to need *each other* a lot, too.

Later, I
was helping her fix a little dinner when Mulder finally came back in.He looked like he'd wrung himself out a
little by pushing himself further than he was used to running, which seemed
perfectly logical.His t-shirt was dark
with sweat, and rivulets of perspiration plastered his sideburns against his
face.I caught his eye as he deposited
his shoes just inside the door, but he went to hit the shower without
acknowledging me.

A freshly
washed, shampooed, and cologned Mulder joined us just as we were sitting down
to eat, and I liked the way his fragrances mixed with those of the hot
food."Good run?" I asked him
hesitantly, reaching out to grasp his closest hand.

"Yeah,"
he smiled, leaning over to kiss me hello."I needed some time to think."

"I
can imagine..."Suddenly I
recalled the night in Chicago when I'd heard Mulder's little boy voice for the
first time.At that time, I'd wondered
if he ran so much to run away from his memories, but I knew that it was unwise
to bring up the topic at the dinner table, so I decided to ask him about it
later.

Instead,
we chatted lightly about the neighborhood and the headlines in the day's
Post--both much more suitable as conversational material.

As I
cleared the plates, I mentioned, "You know, I really ought to check in
with my employers tomorrow afternoon.Do you two think you can get by without me for awhile?"

Scully's
eyebrow made its traditional twitch at the word "employers", but said
nothing beyond, "Sure--that should be fine.I called in some sick time for Mulder and me this morning."

"You
did?" he said, with a surprised smile."Thank you, Scully!I
hadn't even thought of that!"

She
crossed behind his chair and patted him demonstratively on the head."That's okay.You had *other* things to think about..." she replied,
chuckling as she picked up bowls of leftovers.

He smiled
after her, then a thoughtful gaze crossed his face."You're going out tomorrow, Alex?"

"Actually,
my overnight bag is only stocked for a couple of days.Any chance I can get you to go by my place
and pick up some extra clothes?I mean,
we *are* staying here awhile longer, aren't we?" he asked, making quick
eye contact with Scully.

"I'd
like to keep an eye on you for a couple more days, if that's okay," she
answered.

"Sure,"
he and I echoed, and I added, "I think that's a good idea, too.I need some supplies myself, so I'll make an
errand of it."They discreetly
avoided asking me where I needed to go to get said supplies, and I didn't
volunteer the information.

We got
settled once again in the living room, quietly taking turns at the computer
while the other two sat on the sofa skimming some magazines.

"So,"
Mulder began when things got too quiet, "what did you guys do while I was
gone?"

Scully and
I exchanged a mildly curious look, and she answered, "Not much.Talked, mostly."

Obviously
fishing, he pursued, "About what?"

Rolling my
eyes, I faced him opposite me on the sofa."Whaddya *think*, babe?"

"Me?"
he asked, feigning surprise.Wordlessly, Scully reached around from the computer chair behind him and
cuffed him gently on the shoulder with the back of her hand."What?" he protested, despite his
amusement."What did I say?"

"You
*are* sort of the focal point of everything we're doing right now,
Mulder," she reminded him over her shoulder, keeping a close eye on her
game of computer Solitaire.

"Yeah,"
I leaned in to tease, "we've gotta decide where to lock you up when your
mind goes entirely," earning me a disapproving glance from Scully.

Completely
seriously, my beloved turned to me, scolding, "Don't even *joke* about
that, okay?It's just a little too
close for comfort..."

His small
shudder made guilt overtake amusement in my mood."Sorry, gorgeous.I
didn't really mean it.I know you've
had a little experience with that kind of thing," I added, prompting a
cluck of Scully's tongue, so I included her in my address."We've all got to admit that it's been
a troubling day, and we've all heard things that are going to take us awhile to
get over.I mean, it was scary hearing
you talk in that "little-boy" voice again, babe."

The hush
that fell between us was startling, but I cannot say that it was entirely
unexpected.Scully just stared,
shocked, as Mulder's dark eyes fixed me with a frown."*Again*?" he asked.

Swallowing
to moisten my suddenly-dry mouth, I went on as if I weren't afraid one or both
of them might shoot me at any second."Yeah.There was this time
in Chicago when I reached for you in the middle of the night, and you told me
to leave you alone in that voice."

"What
did he say?" Scully interjected, her voice barely holding her horror in
check.

"Mulder
said something like, "Not tonight--maybe tomorrow"..."

"Did
I know it was *you*?" he questioned softly.

Somewhere
in my mind, I could hear the click of pistol aimed straight for my head as I
replied, "You called me "Daddy"..."

"Oh,
my God," whispered Scully."What did you do then?"

"What
*could* I do?I left him alone.I got out of bed and sat in the outer room
until he woke up and came out to find me."As I watched his eyes, I could tell the precise moment when he
recalled the night under discussion.I
would have given up my arm all over again to avoid the vehemence in the gaze he
gave me.

"You
*knew*..." he accused hollowly.In
a split second, he had lunged across the length of the sofa to crush the front
of my shirt in white-knuckled fingers.Had he been a bit more reptilian, it would not have surprised me to
smell brimstone on his breath."You *KNEW*, and you didn't tell me..."

When I
first signed on for duty around Fox Mulder, I understood that my life would be
in danger on a regular basis.At that
moment, however, I found myself wishing that someone had given me the same
warning when I'd fallen in love with him.

Right
before I started reciting a few long-forsaken prayers under my breath, a tiny,
perfectly-manicured hand appeared like a soft little crowbar between us and
grasped Mulder by the wrist."Mulder,"
she challenged in the calmest yet sternest voice I have ever heard in my life,
"let go of him.I'm sure he didn't
know *what* to do at the time, and chose the path that he thought would hurt
you the least."

"But..."
he almost whimpered, the fire going out of his eyes a little.

"*Do*
it," she ordered, her military background once again coming to my rescue
as his hands released my shirt and she seemed to pull him back bodily by one
arm.Perching on the edge of the coffee
table so that her face was on a level with his, she spoke rationally to bring
him back to us."Alex was probably
trying to protect you that night, just like we're trying to do now."With a glance she included me in her circle
and sought confirmation of her suspicions, which I supplied with a nod.Mulder's arm was still stiff in her hand, so
her voice softened to barely above a whisper."You didn't tell him everything before today.He might have suspected what happened to you
from your reaction, but I doubt he actually *knew* anything."I shook my head illustratively."What good would it have done to bring
it up to you then?You were on vacation
together, as you told me once, and he might not have wanted to remind you of
anything painful while you were enjoying each other's company.No matter what we know now, killing him
because he committed one little sin of omission would be overreacting.Besides, if you kill him on my sofa, *you*
have to pay to have it cleaned..."

At last,
his muscles relaxed, and she helped him back into a sitting position.He wouldn't look at either of us, though,
and just stared at the floor.

"She's
right, Mulder," I began."I
had no way of knowing what had really happened to you, aside from a suspicion
or two, or how to help you.You have to
appreciate that."He didn't
respond, so I offered, "I'm sorry, if that helps at all..."

Scully's
hair flew out from the centrifugal force of her head spinning to glance at
me."You don't have to apologize
for anything.For that matter, *Mulder*
should apologize to you.After all, he
attacked *you*..." she trailed off, looking to him for conciliation.

After a
long, tense silence, he muttered "Sorry," and shook off her
hands.Scully sat back a bit, waiting
for something, but when he said nothing further, she got back up and returned
to her computer chair.

The
longest ten minutes of my life (since that night in Tunguska, to be more
specific) passed as I sat and watched the man I love seethe on the sofa
opposite me, punctuated by no sound other than the clicking of Scully's
computer mouse.It would have been so
easy to feel angry with him and to lash out in retaliation, but I knew my
skills were more than he could handle, especially compromised as he was right
then.I kept reminding myself that he
was coming to terms with the new knowledge of his loss of innocence for the
very first time, and that, somewhere inside that damaged, defensive psyche, he
was still my Mulder and I still needed him more than was probably good for
either of us.

Eventually,
he stood up and announced, "I'm going to bed," then strode off to do
so before I even had a chance to ask if he wanted company.Scully's hand was still at her computer as
she listened along with me to his feet echoing down the hallway and the door
slamming in his wake.

"Oh,
dear," she sighed, watching me for a reaction.

"It's
okay," I answered, though we both understood that nothing was even
remotely okay."I'll sleep on the
sofa, if you don't mind..."

"Not
at all," she replied."Let me
know what time you want to go to sleep, and I'll find you a pillow and a
blanket."

"Hey,"
I joked, "you stopped him from ripping my head off.I think you've more than earned your keep
for today."

She shut
down the desktop and came to join me on the sofa."Knowing what to expect and actually seeing it are two
totally different things, you know?"

"Yeah,"
I agreed."If you ask me, things
are going to get worse before they get better.We just have to keep hanging in there if we want him back in one piece,
which is going to be worth all of our hassles in the long run.It's just tough *now*..."

I basked
for a moment in the warmth of Scully's sweet smile, letting her pat my knee
comfortingly."You're strong,
Alex.I believe that this will just
make us all stronger by the time we get there, wherever "there"
is..."

It had
been a very long time since a woman had looked at me like that, and for a
heartbeat our respective sexual orientations started to seem inconsequential to
me.However, before I did something
really stupid, like consider even for a *second* making a move on my lover's
best friend, I asked, "Could you get my bag out of his room before you go
to bed?I have to go out fairly early
in the morning, and I don't want to disturb him unnecessarily."

"Sure,"
she answered, and thankfully, my moment of confusion was gone.She went into Mulder's room, where I heard
her speaking softly to him, and, as quietly as possible, she brought me my
things and bedding for the sofa, and we retired to our chosen spots without any
further ado.

In the
middle of a dream where I lay in a hospital bed being attended by angel-faced
nurses with clear blue eyes, the sounds of screaming reached my ears.Jumping up from Scully's sofa, I got my
bearings quickly and grabbed my weapon before sprinting to the door of Mulder's
room, where I met our hostess, who was similarly sleep-tossed but unarmed.

"Is
this door locked?" I asked her over the screams in lieu of kicking it
down.

"No.You really think you'll need that?" she
asked, indicating my gun.

"You
never know..." I suggested, motioning with my head for her to turn the
doorknob.

She did
so, and switched on the light in the bedroom.There sat Mulder, bolt upright in the middle of the bed, shrieking at
nothing we could see.

Setting my
firearm on the bureau, I sat as close to him as I dared and very calmly
addressed him, "Babe?"

At once,
his scream broke into full-throated sobs, and he seemed to wake up.When I grasped his shoulder, he looked into
my face briefly, then collapsed against me, soaking my t-shirt with tears.

I shushed
him and held him tight, rocking him like a little boy as he wept."Just a dream, love," I chanted
carefully, "just a dream..."A glass of water appeared on the nightstand, probably delivered by an
unnoticed Scully, and after Mulder slowly stopped crying and pulled away
slightly, I brushed his hair off of his forehead and asked, "Do you want a
drink of water?"

He coughed
a little and sniffed hard, but nodded and reached for the glass.

Meanwhile,
I found a box of tissues and used one to dry his face tenderly."Can you tell me about it?"

All he
could offer in response was, "Something big and scary.I don't remember the rest."

"Are
you okay now?" I checked.

"Well..."He squirmed uncomfortably.

"What's
wrong?"

"I
wet the bed."

Once I'd
helped him climb out, we started stripping sheets.Scully must have heard the change in noise level, because she
peeked in curiously."What
happened?" she mouthed at me silently from the door.

"A
little accident," I mouthed back so Mulder didn't hear.She immediately disappeared, but I could
hear her digging in the front closet soon afterwards.When we emerged from the guest room, Mulder's sweatpants
recruited as emergency pajama bottoms, we found a sleeping bag laid out on the
floor on the other side of the coffee table near the sofa.Not many words passed between us, but I
rested more easily feeling him in the room with me, and we were soon asleep.

The alarm
I'd set on my watch went off as scheduled some hours later, and I tiptoed to
the bathroom to get ready for work.I
laid out my underwear, a shirt, socks, and my prosthesis, and hopped into the
shower.Just as I was dripping shampoo
in my eyes, I heard the door open."Hello?" I called out to my visitor.

A quick
draft of cold air signaled that the shower curtain had been shunted aside
briefly and closed again."Hi,
babe," greeted Mulder in a sexy morning voice.

"Hey,
sugar," I cooed back, rinsing off my hair."How ya doin'?"

"Not
bad.Y'know, my mom used to say
"sugar" instead of "shit".Is that any way to address the man who loves you?"

I
scrabbled around the tile, and he handed me a towel."If the shoe fits," I teased.

"Sorry
about last night," he apologized, sounding very sincere.

"S'okay,"
I reassured him, dabbing at my face before putting the towel aside."You couldn't help it."

"No,"
he insisted."I shouldn't have
gotten mad at you for not telling me about that night in Chicago."

"No,
really," I countered."You
couldn't help it.I forgive you.Gimme a kiss."He obliged, morning breath be damned.After a thorough smooch, I added,
"We've got some dealing to do with all of this.It's not gonna be easy, but I love you, and I'm willing to put up
with it for your sake."

"Awwww,"
he groaned for effect."Since you
put it that way, I love you, too..."Reaching for the soap, he worked up a nice lather and scrubbed me like
he hadn't done for a long time.I
relished the feel of his slippery hands stroking me all over, and one place in
particular.He petted my cock firmly,
and all I could do was lean against the wall of the shower and enjoy the rising
pressure in my balls.Before long, he
was kissing me again, and I was coming in short, hard spurts that seemed to
melt my spine.

Once he
took his tongue out of my mouth and I caught my breath, I sighed, "Thank
you, doll.Same for you?"

This
seemed to startle him, and he jumped under the shower nozzle and rinsed off
quickly."No, no--no need,"
he begged off, disappearing from my shower with a muttered "Love you"
as he apparently pulled his sweats back on before the door shut behind him
again.

I hadn't
really been in a position to notice, but I assumed that he'd not even gotten
hard and had been too ashamed to admit it.Nobody had ever said that his recovery was going to be speedy...

There was
a damp bath towel hung on the back of a chair in the kitchen when I went in to
grab a slice of toast after I'd gotten dressed.Mulder was asleep again, or just pretending to be asleep, in the
quilted bag on the living room floor, so I chose not to disturb him as I went
out for the day.

My
meetings went as planned, and it felt good to spend the day doing absolutely
normal things again.True, normal for
*me* might be completely inconceivable to the average person, but routine is
routine.On my way back to Scully's, I
stopped to replenish my supply of clean clothes, then went to Mulder's to pack
some extra things for him, as well, since I kept my copy of his apartment key,
which I'd made to save me from breaking-and-entering charges, with me at all
times.What I discovered hidden in his
dresser put a dark cloud over my head all the way back.

Scully
buzzed me in when I rang her bell, opening the door for me when I got
there."Good lord!" she
exclaimed with a surprised smile, noting the luggage I carried."What's all this stuff?"

I carried
everything to the guest room, whose bed was now clean and neatly remade, where
I deposited my burden."My
bag," I announced, setting it on the floor."Mulder's bag," I added, putting it alongside
mine."And a little
surprise."In the crook of my
artificial elbow, I balanced a wastebasket, which I then dumped out onto the
bedspread.

There,
scattered across the coverlet, were a few dozen packages of sleeping
pills."What the...?"
wondered Scully.

"I
found his stash," I stated bitterly.

"Oh,
my God!You found these at
Mulder's?"

"Yep--all
crammed in his underwear drawer."Looking at the evidence before me, my eyes stung for a moment until I
blinked very hard."I wonder when
he was going to do it..."

Scully's
hand clung to my arm, her fingernails digging into the muscle, but I didn't
mind the pain."You really think
he was planning to commit suicide?"

"Why
else would he have collected all of these narcotics?Maybe if the therapy didn't work, he was just going to go home
from the Bureau one night, go to sleep and never wake up." Putting it into words broke my heart and made
me angry at him all at once.

"We
don't know that!" she insisted, a swallowed sob choking off her
voice."We need to talk to him,
ask him what was going on...He
*couldn't* try to kill himself without telling me--he just
*couldn't*!"I grabbed her and
held her tightly as she succumbed to tears, and my vision blurred as I looked
at the deadly bounty on the spread.

"Where
is he now?" I asked, my throat raw with trying not to cry.

"He
went for a run," she replied in a thin whisper.

"Are
you sure?His car wasn't parked where
we'd left it yesterday..."

Her eyes
flew open wide."What?"Bolting from my arms, she raced to the front
door of the apartment and down the hall to the street.

I left her
door standing open as I went to follow her.She stood with her mouth agape, sweeping her gaze up and down the rows
of parked cars outside.

"Did
he say specifically *where* he was going?Maybe you just misheard him say that he was running an errand," I
suggested, praying to God that it was the truth.

Once again
I trailed in her wake as she stormed back to her apartment."No.I think he meant to mislead me into thinking he was just going running.I wonder if he went home."Like a shot, she was at her phone pressing
his two-digit speed dial.I was
momentarily comforted by the sound of her "Mulder?" into the
receiver, but she soon fell silent, obviously having reached his machine."Mulder, it's me," she recited
into the recorder."I was just
wondering where you'd gone.It's
Thursday afternoon, and I didn't know that you'd need your car to go
running.Call me if you get this before
you see me..."The handset rattled
as she slammed it into its cradle."Where the fuck is he?" she muttered to herself.

"Could
he have gone to the office?" I offered, fighting to remain calm.

"Doubtful,"
she sighed, but speed-dialed a different number anyway.

Grasping
at straws, I went back to the guest room to look for clues as to my beloved's
whereabouts.The colorful assortment of
pharmaceutical containers seemed to mock me from their places on the bed, so I
scoured the rest of the room, not quite able to look at them any longer.It was then that I spotted it.

Just as
I'd inhaled to holler her name, Scully appeared in the door."They haven't seen him, and there's no
answer in the basement."

Suddenly I
couldn't speak, so I merely pointed to the small piece of jewelry that lay
discarded on top of the dresser.

With a
puzzled expression, she picked up the tiny house pin that I'd given Mulder
along with my promise to be his forever."I've seen Mulder wearing this.I guess he forgot to put it on.What is it?"

A horror
like the one I'd felt a lifetime before while locked in an abandoned missile
silo hit me in the gut."It's something
I gave him.He treats it like a wedding
ring..."My throat tightened on my
last words, and I searched Scully's eyes for understanding, for I knew no
comfort lay there, nor anywhere.

"Oh,
Alex," she began, her cheeks devoid of color, and her eyes nearly
following suit, "you mean he left it here on purpose?"

"I
think so," I croaked out, something hot and wet starting to trickle down
my face."I have to find him.I have to stop him."

"Do
you think he took his cellphone?"

"I
can only hope..."This time I beat
her to the phone and started dialing, which took a couple of tries as I was
having trouble seeing the numbers."It's ringing," I reported in a moment, ready to scream at him
once I heard his voice.

It wasn't
his voice."Hello?" said a
strange woman.

"Who
is this?" I demanded to know.

"This
is Debra.Who is *this*?" she
asked me.

"It's
Alex.Is Fox Mulder there?"

"What's
going on?Where is he?" pestered
Scully into my other ear.

"Shhh!"
I hushed her, listening intently to the handset.

On the
other end, Debra was yelling at a distance, as if she'd put down the
cellphone."Marty?Are you coming out of there?There's somebody named Alex on the
phone..."

I muffled
the speaker on my end to whisper, "He's with a woman who answered the phone.She's calling him Marty."

"Marty?"
pondered Scully."Who's
Marty?"

Switching
the phone so I could take notes, I informed her, "It's his alias.Quiet!"Back into the receiver, I tried to get the woman's attention."Debra?Debra, are you there?"

At last
she picked up again."Sorry,
Alex.Marty's in the bathroom.I think he's had a little too much to drink.Do you wanna call him back?"

"No!"
I barked."Debra, where are
you?I need to come there and get
Marty.I don't want him driving home
drunk, you know?"

"He's
drunk?" boggled Scully.

With my
hand over the mouthpiece, I scolded her, "Shut up!Lemme get an address..."A little prompting got me a street address
in Alexandria and an apartment number, where Debra promised to wait for us, to
let us in when we arrived, and, most importantly, not to let "Marty"
leave.

As I hung
up the phone, strong, small arms wrapped around me from behind, splaying their
little hands across my chest as a head was pushed against my back.I shifted slightly in her grasp so I could
pivot to face her, welcoming the way she pulled my head down to rest on her
shoulder and let me cry, patting my back reassuringly.Despite my urgent need to go find Mulder, I
took the time I needed to wallow in despair, glad that she was there to pull me
back out when I was done.

Like a
dear old friend, she murmured, "I'm sorry, Alex.Maybe there's a good reason he went home with that woman, one
that doesn't have anything to do with him cheating on you."

Feeling a
little more grounded, but afraid to examine my own heart right then, I
straightened up and chided, "Your faith in him is admirable..."

She gave a
morose sigh and cleared her throat before pulling away and reaching to hand me
a tissue, taking one to blow her own nose, as well."Sometimes my faith in him is the only thing keeping either
of us alive," she admitted somberly."We'd better get going.I'll drive your car, if that's all right."

Knowing
that I was incapable of arguing with her, I handed over my keys and followed
her back out the door, assuming that her plan would make sense when we got
there.Very little of the intervening
scenery made an impression on me, because all I could see was a naked Mulder
pleasuring me in that morning's shower, followed immediately by him drunkenly
fucking a faceless prostitute.I kept
the passenger side window open in case I threw up.

By the
time I'd aged a couple of months, we were there, ringing a perfectly ordinary
doorbell on a perfectly mundane street in a perfectly normal neighborhood.On the staircase as we went up, we passed a
large silver-grey cat who was very sneakily moving down the steps until the
woman's voice I'd heard on the phone shouted, "Tigger!Get back here!"The beast slunk back up the stairs with a
guilty look to its tail.We followed
our feline escort to an upper story where the door was being held open by a not
entirely unattractive brunette woman in a terrycloth bathrobe.

"Debra?"
I began, awkwardly wondering if I should shake hands."I'm Alex.Is Marty
here?"

"Yeah,"
she replied, shutting the door behind all of us."He's still in the bathroom.Are you his wife?" she asked, eyeing Scully suspiciously.

Before she
could answer in the negative, I interjected, "That's what *I* was gonna
ask him."

Debra
looked at me with extremely confused brown eyes, and I took cold comfort in the
fact that she didn't resemble either Scully or me in any way."You guys want some coffee?I was gonna make some to help Marty sober up
if he ever finishes barfing."

"No--no,
that won't be necessary," Scully finally said."Look," she added, digging for her wallet, "what
does he owe you, so we can get out of here when he comes back?"

Her
shoulders stiffened indignantly."Say what you will about me, lady:I am *not* a hooker.Just
because I agree to take a guy that good-looking home with me as soon as the
lunch rush is over *doesn't* mean I'm easy.He's just a real flirt, y'know?"

We both
nodded, which sent a message I'm not sure I wanted to convey to this woman, and
Scully muttered, "Sorry," as politely as she could.

Debra
rubbed at her glasses with the hem of her robe."I guess I shouldn't get defensive," she explained,
putting her specs back on her nose, "since nothing really happened,
anyway.I mean, he'd been drinking for
a couple of hours, and he wouldn't eat the sandwich I'd brought him.But we got back here and started fooling
around, and before we got very far, he was in the bathroom tossing his cookies.I mean, a girl might take it personally, you
know?"

"It's
okay, Debra," I consoled her."You haven't done anything wrong.Let me go talk to Marty and we'll be out of your life forever."

She
pointed me down the hall, where I saw the light on under a door.In the outer room, I could hear her ask
Scully, "So, you guys been married long?"

Tigger
meowed at me from a bookcase as I made my way toward the bathroom, so I paused
to skritch his ear a little, and to compose my thoughts.At last, I knocked softly on the door,
asking, "How many times do I have to come talk you out of a locked
bathroom?You planning on coming out
anytime soon?"

"Maybe,"
he snarled within."Why are you
here?"

"I
could ask *you* the same thing, "Marty"," I taunted.

"Alex,
I'm sorry.I fucked up..."

"According
to the lady, you did nothing of the kind.Now if you're done losing your lunch, would you mind coming out here so
I can beat the shit out of you?"

"Talk
about incentive," he retorted, punctuating his words with a flush of the
toilet.A little running water and
splashing signaled his impending exit from the facilities, so I stood back to
let him out.The opening door revealed
a Mulder whose face spoke volumes--in Swahili.

"Are
you still drunk?" I asked.

"I
wouldn't drive if I were me."

"I
thought so.Mulder, what the hell are
you doing here?" I pressed, blocking his escape.

His eyes
did a hesitation waltz between looking at me and looking anywhere else."Are you mad at me?"

For so
many reasons, I was, but for so many others, I wasn't, though I couldn't tell
*him* that."Why did you come home
with Debra?"

"I
dunno," he demurred."I liked
the way she smiled at me."

"Fucker!"
I yelled at last."*Every* damned
woman you've ever met has smiled at you like that.You're pure hot-and-cold running sex, and they want some.Haven't you ever noticed that?"

"No,"
he lied.Debra wasn't kidding that he
was a flirt, no matter what the circumstance.

"Have
you forgotten that you're *mine*, Mulder?" I pestered, fingering the
pinhole I found in his shirt collar where something familiar was distinctly
missing."Oh--I see that you
have..." Before he could stammer out a protest, I bore down on him."Don't you say that you forgot it,
because I know that you wear my pin every single day.You've told me so yourself.You took it *off*..." I spat, flinging the collar point back down
like I could hurt him with it."You knew full well what you were going to do, so you took it off
so it wouldn't remind you of me, didn't you?"

"You're
mad at me," he assumed, though this time he was closer to the truth.

"I
know what you're doing here... You can't get it up for me anymore, so you were
trying to get it up with *anybody*, isn't that right?"

"No,"
he protested a little more belligerently.

Snatching
the button tab of his shirt, I hissed into his face, "Don't you *dare* lie
to me!You thought that if you got
drunk enough, you could forget your commitment to *me* and go off and fuck the
first warm body that would take you home, didn't you?But it didn't work, did it?You couldn't get hard with a stranger, either, could you?Could you?" I panted with the effort of
my diatribe.

I could
tell that I was hitting close to home when his still slightly-unfocused eyes
grew dark and he growled, "Let go of me, you cocksucker!"

Pulling my
handful of shirt fabric even closer, I replied, "What did you call
me?"

"You
heard me, cocksucker!" he grunted back.

Very
deliberately, I answered, my voice rising in pitch as I spoke, "Calling
*me* a cocksucker is a little ironic, isn't it, considering the fact that *you*
haven't even got a cock to *suck*!"Yanking my hand away, I spun on my toe and strode back down the
hallway."Scully can drive you
home.Don't wait up."

In the
living room, Tigger was determinedly trying to get Scully's attention by
rubbing against her leg.However, she
was steadfastly ignoring both the cat and the apartment's other resident, who
sat on the opposite end of the lone sofa looking as uncomfortable as I felt.

"I'm
leaving," I announced to them all, walking towards the door just quickly
enough so that Mulder wouldn't try to catch up.

"Alex,
wait!" Scully called, attracting my attention from my goal of escape to
the real world.Before I could
challenge her, she dangled something in the air."You might need these, " she suggested, tossing my keys
gently underhand so I could catch them easily with one hand, a skill I'd been
perfecting since my unfortunate accident--no, not that one.The *other* one, that netted me a month's
room and board with the unfaithful bastard who was starting to emerge from the
hallway.

"Thank
you," I replied, heading to open the door, only to have Debra beat me
there in order to disengage several latches and locks.

"Sorry,"
she said, holding the door for me and looking at me more sincerely than anyone
I'd spoken to in the past three minutes.

"I'll
bet you are," I answered, disappearing down the steps so she could shut
the door again before any cats or skunks could get out.

Before
anyone could come after me, I got behind the wheel of my car and started driving.I knew that I really shouldn't be around my
lover for a little while until I had cooled off, because I was liable to say
something I didn't mean, or something that I *did* mean but shouldn't say
anyway.The temptation to go get a
fifth of vodka and polish it off for fortification was powerful, but common
sense kept me sober and driving for awhile.Before long, I found myself back in the District, so grabbed the parking
spot of some departing government worker and went to walk around the Washington
Monument as the sun went down.

What the
fuck could Mulder have been thinking?Okay--I was willing to accept that his thinking processes were not
functioning properly right then, but I would never have suspected him of
infidelity.I knew that my accusations
of trying to plow fresh fields weren't far off the mark, but somehow that
wasn't sufficient explanation.Scully's
brochure mentioned that the sufferer might try to numb his emotions with drugs
or alcohol, so that fit the case, too.

The look
in his eyes when he wondered if I were mad at him almost made it seem like
that's what he *wanted*...I may not
have studied psychology like he did, but I understood a lot more about people,
and particularly *him*, just from my line of work and reading the old textbooks
on Mulder's shelves.In our pasts, we
had covered the ground that he got sexually aroused by anger, both real and
artificial, both mine and his.Could
that be it?Could he be acting out just
to make me mad at him in a twisted attempt to turn himself on?

A cool
breeze off the Potomac wasn't the only thing that made me shudder as I looked
up at the sturdy white monument.Just
then it struck me how Freudian it was that in a search to help my lover
reestablish his masculinity, I'd find myself standing in front of the biggest
damned phallic symbol in the whole United States.The sheer irony of the image made me laugh out loud, and I'm sure
a few tourists, park employees, and at least one passing bag lady stared at me
like I was insane as I guffawed my way back to the car.

I gave
Scully a quick call to assure her that I was heading "home", and to
offer to pick up dinner.Within a
half-hour, I rang her doorbell with a large bag of burgers (one without onions
or mustard in case Mulder was still queasy), fries, and milkshakes held in my
prosthesis.She let me in and helped
set the food out on the table, while Mulder was nowhere to be seen.

"He
wanted to lie down," she explained, "so I turned down my bed for him,
since it was closer to the bathroom, just in case..."

Nodding my
understanding, we sat down to eat before stuff got cold, talking about
less-consequential things than we usually did at meals, if that were
possible.Our voices must have finally
awoken our main concern, for before long, Mulder appeared in the doorway from
the hall looking a little pale and disheveled.Before he took another step, he fixed me with a frightened, contrite
gaze and asked, "You hate me, don't you?"

Meanwhile,
I turned in my chair to face him."Is that what you want?" I countered."Do you want me to hate you?"Interrupting any answer he might try to give
me, I added, "Because I don't."

His
expression softened marginally, as if I'd surprised him."You don't?"

"Not
at all."Under the table, I kicked
the legs of the chair across from mine to push it out as a silent invitation
for him to join me.He just looked at
it for the time being."Think
about it, Mulder.Would I have come
back here and brought you this tasty hamburger if I hated you?"Once again, I answered my own question."I don't think so."I took a huge bite of my own sandwich for
emphasis, and because I was hungry.

Like a
starving animal, he cautiously crept into the chair and stared at the burger
before him as if he were afraid it was poisoned.With his thumb and forefinger, he broke a small morsel off of the
bun and lifted it to his mouth, chewing and swallowing solemnly like he was
taking Communion."I'm
sorry," he muttered, reaching for his water glass.

I slurped
noisily on my milkshake before reaching for a couple of fries."Good.You did something extremely stupid today.I hope you realize that."

He nodded,
his face tipped down toward his food, but his eyes looking up directly at
me."You're not mad?"

Feeling
more and more like his parent than his lover, I answered, "I never said
that.I'm angry at your behavior,
though--not at you.I *am* extremely
disappointed in you that you would go off to have sex with a stranger rather
than come home to me.That was foolish
and dangerous, but you got off easy this time.Don't ever forget, Mulder:I
love you, and I always will.You've
opened some doors this week that have left you feeling vulnerable and
broken.I'm here for you, for as long
as you'll have me, for whatever purpose.If you want me to try to make you come, I'll do anything you want toward
that end.If you want to cry, talk,
yell, whatever, I'll listen and won't judge anything you say.Hell, if you want to beat the crap out of me
for old times' sake, you could probably even talk me into *that*, if you think
it would help you stop hurting and heal."Pausing to take another bite, I noted the ghost of a smile hiding in the
corners of his eyes at that last mental image.

Shyly, he
grabbed his milkshake and took an experimental sip."You still love me?" he checked again.

"Uh-huh,"
I garbled around a mouthful of beef, lettuce, and bread."Never stopped."

"You
forgive me for what I did?"

Making a
great show of thinking about it, I grabbed another fry and dipped it in the
puddle of ketchup on my wrapper."Mmmm...Okay.Just *don't* let it happen again!" I
commanded, waving my French fry in an imitation of scolding.Biting off the reddened end of it, I broke
into a broad smile, which I was greatly relieved to note that he returned at
last.

"I
love you, Alex.Thank you for coming to
get me."

"Anytime,
babe.Though it might have served you
right for me to let Tigger knead you to death..."That made him chuckle a little as he picked
up his burger and took a bite.

Scully
peeked out of the kitchen door when we'd grown quiet, then sneaked back out to
finish her dinner.The rest of the
evening was blissfully uneventful, the stereo singing popular tunes to itself,
the computer mouse never cooling, and Scully's entire coffee tabletopful of
magazines shifting from this side to that and back again.

Fairly
close to bedtime, Mulder came out of the bathroom with a sheepish look on his
face."Sorry, babe--I just noticed
as I saw myself in the mirror.I forgot
to put your pin back on.I think I left
it in our room."Nonchalantly, he
strolled down the hall, while behind him, Scully and I exchanged a panicked
look and sprinted after him.

At the guestroom
door, we skidded to a halt in the hall like running cartoon characters trying
to stop when we found his silhouette filling the passage, his hand on the light
switch.He cast a wary eye over his
shoulder at us and asked, "Where did you get those?" as he gestured
to the narcotic packages I'd left scattered across the bedspread.

"Uh,
yeah," I stammered."I found
them in your apartment.I was gonna ask
you about them..."

Cool-headed
Scully stepped forward and put her hand on his arm gently."Mulder, is there something you want to
tell us?"

He looked
less guilty than I'd have expected, starting to ask, "What do
you..."Suddenly his face relaxed
and he gave us a sheepish smile."Wait.You thought I was
going to...And why shouldn't you?One of these days I've *gotta* clean out
that chest of drawers!"His words
almost sounded like they were addressed to himself.

"What
are you trying to say, Mulder?" I finally asked.

Sitting on
the bed and starting to scoop the packages into a heap, he faced us completely
openly."You *know* how much
trouble I have sleeping sometimes, like when I'm on a case, right?"

"Yeah?"
Scully answered, her voice laced with suspicion.

His grin
seemed ready to burst into a laugh at any moment."They're samples!I've been to so many doctors out in the field that I've developed a
habit of asking for something to help me sleep whenever I have to see one.I keep trying different brands hoping
something will help, which they usually don't.When I get home, I just stick the leftovers in my underwear drawer and
forget about them."

I sat
beside him and put my hand on his knee carefully."You mean you weren't deliberately collecting them, planning
to kill yourself?"

"No!"
he scoffed, quickly adding, "though I could see why you might think
that.I just always meant to go through
them and throw out the ones that had expired, but I just never got around to
it.I'm sorry I upset you guys, but I'm
innocent this time." His arm slid around my shoulders and squeezed me
tightly to him."Thanks for
worrying about me.I knew I could count
on you."

Scully
picked up the wastebasket I'd left standing next to the bed and suggested,
"Let's go ahead and throw away the out-of-date ones, shall we?"

"Sounds
good," he agreed, jumping up and helping sort through the mess while I sat
there dumbfounded.Maybe three packages
hadn't yet expired, and Scully begrudgingly let him keep those, but later, when
we turned out the light, he didn't need any of them.It had been another very long day...

Friday
dawned grey and rainy, but that didn't keep us from keeping our appointment
with Dr. Isaacson.The clouds in the
sky looked as unsettled as the thoughts in my head, to tell the truth.Call me psychic, but I had an idea that
Mulder's stories of his childhood weren't yet all out in the open.

Even
though it was one-thirty in the afternoon, the heavy curtains in the doctor's
office shut against the dark skies made it seem as if it were late in the
evening.Otherwise, we were seated
nearly as we had been two days earlier, though I was beside Mulder as he leaned
in the corner of the couch, and Scully had pulled a chair near his other
side.The doctor assumed what was
likely his preferred distance from the couch, and spoke again in that gentle,
vaguely hypnotic voice.

"Now,
Mr. Mulder, I've been thinking about what you were telling us on
Wednesday.Do you remember how long it
was that your father touched you inappropriately?"

Mulder
spoke in his own voice, but his eyes seemed far away."I don't think he did it after I was thirteen or so."

"Are
you sure?"

"I
don't remember that he did it while I was in junior high school, or after
that."

"Do
you remember the last time he came to your room at night?"

He thought
quietly for a moment."No.I can't recall right now."

"Was
there any reason why he would have stopped what he was doing?"

"I
don't know."

"Did
someone find out about what was going on?"

"No.It was our secret."My heart crumbled a little further as his
little-boy voice returned to deliver this awful answer.

"Did
you ever tell anyone what he was doing?"

"No,
I didn't."

"Did
your father ask you not to tell?"

"I
think so..."

"Would
you have gotten in trouble if you told?"

The color
slowly drained out of Mulder's face."No."

"Did
he threaten to hurt you if you told?" he asked, more intensely but somehow
more quietly.

"No,"
Mulder answered, a distinct quiver in his lip.

"What
did he tell you he would do if you told anyone?"

"He
said he'd hurt Samantha..."

Scully and
I exchanged a look, and I'm sure my face held as much horror as did hers.

"Samantha
is your sister?"It made me feel
strangely comforted that he referred to her in the present tense, even though
we had no idea if she were alive or dead.

"Yes,"
Mulder whispered in reply.

"So
you never told anyone so he wouldn't hurt your sister?"

"I
might have said something to my mother once..."

"You
told her, even after he'd asked you not to?"

"Not
until later, when things were different."

"What
things?"

"I
don't remember exactly.Dad wouldn't
talk to me."

"This
bothered you..."

"Well,
yeah," he answered, matter-of-factly.

"Did
your father talk to you at other times, but not when he was busy with work or
something, so it seemed like he was ignoring you, and you missed those conversations?"

"No,
that's not it.He wouldn't even look me
in the eye when I said hello.I knew
something was wrong."

"You've
told me that when you were twelve, your parents stopped speaking to one another
almost entirely, isn't that right?"

"Yeah...after Samantha disappeared."

"So
maybe your father was drawing away from you both..."

"No.This was when Samantha was still there.Nothing had really changed between him and
Mom yet, and he was always very attached to Sam.Meanwhile, I wanted Dad to pay some attention to me, too, but he
acted like he didn't want anything to do with me."

"Was
this a sudden development?"

"Yeah,"
said Mulder, pausing for breath and reaching for my water bottle.After he'd swallowed, he added, "I
thought he loved me, but he treated me like I wasn't even there."

"You
hated him for withholding his affection?"

"He
wouldn't even touch me anymore.I loved
him, and it hurt for him to try to avoid me."

"When
you say he wouldn't touch you, do you mean hug you or pat you on the
back?"

"No,"
he swallowed, though he'd already given back my water bottle."He didn't come into my room
anymore."

Even
though the doctor had been over this ground before, he backtracked to, "He
stopped touching you like he had been doing?"

"Yes,
but I don't know why," he reiterated, the tips of his ears turning red in
embarrassment."I shouldn't be
admitting this, but it felt good when he came to wake me up in the night,
because that was when he'd pay attention to me.I missed it when he didn't do it anymore.I think that's when he stopped loving
me.I wondered what I'd done to lose
him, how I'd disappointed him..."

"Was
that attention the only affection your father ever showed you?"Listening to the doctor's questions suddenly
reminded me of the grasping at straws I'd done long before in Mulder's
apartment.

"More
or less," he replied, suddenly self-conscious.

"And
you wanted him to touch you like he'd been doing, only he *wouldn't*
anymore?"

"That's
right."

"You
didn't *always* feel like that, did you?When he started fondling you, you were frightened, so frightened that it
made you vomit.You said so
yourself."

"Yeah..."

"But
at some time, it changed to something you enjoyed, something you wanted?"

"I
don't know..."

"Do
you know when it started to feel good?"

"I
think it was when I was twelve."

"Was
there a specific instance that you remember?"

Once
again, he hugged his knees to his chest before him on the couch."There was a time when I was standing
beside my bed, and he was sucking me, when something happened."

"What
happened?"

It ached
not to be able to hold my lover as he visibly searched for the words to express
himself."I had my eyes closed, so
I didn't see what he was going to do.Dad surprised me--he put his finger in my bottom, which hurt a
little.Suddenly I felt really hot and
weird, like I might fall down.For a
minute, I thought I was going to pee in my dad's mouth, but it didn't feel like
that.I'd never felt that way
before."

"What
way?"If that question had popped
out of my mouth instead of the doctor's, I wouldn't have been a bit surprised.

"Something
wet spurted out of me, and it felt so good, I thought I was going to
cry."Nothing held back my tears
when I realized that he was saying that his father had made him come the first
time.A woman's sniffle and a tug on
the box of tissues were my only indications that Scully was reacting the same
way.

"You
didn't know what an orgasm felt like before that?"

"No."

"You
had never masturbated and brought yourself to orgasm?"

"I'd
played with myself a little, but I had never come before that.I was afraid I'd get caught, so I didn't do
it very much."

"What
did your father do after it happened that night?"

"He
pulled my pajamas back up and made me get into bed and went away, and after
that, he never came into my room again."I was impressed that he'd remembered all of that, but as I wept, I
wished I could forget everything I'd heard.

"Was
that when he started refusing to acknowledge you?"

"Yeah,"
murmured my beloved."I asked him
once if we could do that again, but he turned and walked the other way like he
hadn't even heard me."

"How
did that make you feel?"

"I
was confused.I knew that it was wrong
for him to touch me like that, but I didn't understand why when it felt so
good.Mostly, I felt guilty and
unloved."Of course.If *anyone* could blame himself for terrible
things that other people had done to him, it was my Mulder.

"Is
that when you spoke to your mother?"

"Yeah.I asked her about the facts of life, as she
called them, but when I asked her if there was a word for what my father had
been doing to me, she got really quiet and made me leave the room."

"Do
you think she confronted your father about your conversation?"

"I
don't know, because a couple of days later was when Samantha
disappeared..."

My gullet
jumped alarmingly, and I looked up at Scully, who was white as a sheet.

Mulder
continued, "I never knew if they took her away to punish me for blabbing
about my father's abuse, and it has always been a nagging suspicion to me ever
since."

Suddenly
every chip in the mystery that was Fox Mulder fell into place for me, and all I
could do was cry.He did not follow
suit, however--just sat on the couch staring at nothing and no one.I couldn't bring myself to catch Scully's
eye again, because I knew I'd end up in *her* arms, feeling too queasy and raw
even to reach for the man I loved.As
it was, I hugged myself, afraid to move for fear of throwing up, though the
mental image of Scully's tiny pale hands rubbing my back and soothing my
feverish brow made me feel a little better.

Blinking
as if he were waking up after a long, dull movie, Mulder glanced at me,
practically realizing that I was sitting there for the first time.While I expected open arms into which I
would gladly have fallen, instead I got an upraised hand and a newly thoughtful
expression."That's *it*," he
said, lights that I didn't like very much coming on in his eyes.

"What?"
I asked cautiously.

"What
my Dad did to me that last time--that's what you were doing to me the last time
that we made love..."

"You
mean when you..."I couldn't say
the words, as I was very close to committing the act myself.

His hand
threaded gently through my hair."When I ended up on my knees in front of the toilet...It wasn't bad frijoles at all!You just stirred up some memories that I
thought I'd succeeded in forgetting..."

*That* did
it.Guilt and nausea overwhelmed me,
and I found myself dashing down the hall to that selfsame washroom where this
whole week had started.It felt
miserable to be so sick, but even moreso to realize the part I'd played in
Mulder's revelations.Leaning on the
wall above the commode for support as the last spasms passed, I prayed for
forgiveness for the reminder I'd unwittingly brought upon my only love, and for
a settled stomach while I was at it.

I had been
so intent on getting there quickly, I had failed to notice that I'd been
followed."It's not your fault,
you know," Mulder's voice reassured me lovingly over my shoulder, since I
hadn't had time to lock any doors behind me.At his words, I could have sworn I heard a distant angel's choir through
the steel vent in the glass brick window."It wasn't healthy for me to keep all of that blocked away in my memory.You helped more than you will ever
know."The hands I *really* wanted
to rub my back did so as I finished up, then escorted me to the sink to help me
wipe my mouth and get me a drink of water.

When I
could finally speak, I looked into his kind, suddenly ghost-free eyes and said
as simply as I could, "I love you, Mulder."

He smiled
one of his warmest smiles and answered, "If I never believed that before,
the events of this week have proved that to me without a doubt."Holding his arms out to me, he crushed me in
his famous bear hug and proved everything right back to me as he whispered in
my ear, "I love you, too, Alex."

In the car
on the way back to Scully's, we decided to stay over one last night, then move
Mulder back home after he sat in on an incest survivors' meeting the next
afternoon.My lover suggested, and I
agreed, that we buy her a swell dinner out to try to repay her for her caring
hospitality during his infirmity.We
actually had fun laughing over our plates of handmade pasta and rich sauces
(somehow *quantity* of food had sounded more impressive to all of us when
choosing a location than *price*), and we drank at least two toasts to everyone
at the table.

As we were
preparing for bed, I discreetly ignored my hostess' goodnight embrace of my
beloved, for I knew that if anyone else deserved to be grateful to have him
back to almost normal, it was she, his partner and his best friend.While Mulder was performing his evening
ablutions, I wrapped Scully in a hug myself.

"Thank
you, kiddo," I grunted, giving her a friendly squeeze."Mulder has always told me that your
strength has been an inspiration to him.I'm awed that I got to see it in action for myself."

She
pshawed sweetly, replying, "I could take him in three out of five falls,
but that's it."Her gaze turned
sincere and a little wistful."Thank you for coming through for him, Alex.It means a lot to me to see him happy
again.For a bad guy, you're certainly
a good man."A kiss was pressed
softly to my cheek, followed by one last hug."I'd tell you to take care of him, but I know that you will,"
she assured me before wandering off to her own room.

I had my
back to the door while I turned down the bed when I was seized firmly, yet
affectionately, from behind."You
feeling better?" Mulder began.

"You're
asking *me*?Especially after that heap
of fettuccine I put away at dinner?"

"To
be perfectly frank," he admitted while he turned me to face him in his
arms, "I was too stunned watching Scully eat.I think she must have sent in her spare eating clone after she
went to the washroom.*I* couldn't even
keep up with her!"

As
seriously as I could fake, I scolded, "*Don't* talk about clones,
Mulder."He got the most adorable
worried look on his face until I added, "They *hate* Italian!"

Realizing
I'd been pulling his leg, he proceeded to do the same to me, yanking one of my
legs out from under me so I fell gracelessly across the bed.Immediately, he was kissing me, tracing the
taste of fresh toothpaste along my teeth with his tongue.He made short work of my clothes, breaking
from my lips only long enough to yank my shirt over my head, then peeling off
his own with one hand.

"Hey,"
I protested feebly, "*I* can do that."

His gaze
turned bright with passion when he said in complete seriousness, "And I
can do *this*..."Grasping my hand
that clung to his shoulder, he pressed it against his crotch, where an erection
throbbed perceptibly within his boxers.

Choosing
my words carefully, I asked, "Are you really ready to make this happen,
baby?"

I could
feel the effects of his wicked grin in my balls."I'm more ready than I've been for a long time.Open up, you prick, and let me in."

Lying back
on one pillow, I planted my feet on the mattress and lifted up my butt to position
myself on another.Mulder found his
lube and condoms in his case and prepared himself, while I looked on in eager
anticipation.I had wanted to watch the
wondrous thing that was his erect cock as long as possible, but when his
greased fingers slid smoothly into my ass, my eyes closed in ecstasy.

In his
sultriest voice, he purred, "Want me to fuck you?"

Emitting a
decidedly unmanly squeak, I answered, "Please?"Chuckling darkly, he paused with his organ
just touching my puckered opening until I sighed, "Do it, Mulder."

All of his
no-longer-repressed memories couldn't keep him down long, and I groaned in
bliss as he filled me once again with his hardness."God, I love you, Alex," he grunted before he covered
my mouth with his and made love to my mouth with the same rough strokes he was
using on my ass.Long, sensuous fingers
wrapped around my penis, and I relished the feel of being taken, body and soul.

His face
too close for me to focus on it, instead I closed my eyes and willed his cock a
little harder and the next thrust a little deeper.Mulder apparently read my mind, for he pushed inside me just far
enough to catch my prostate on the backstroke, and I hit my peak, shooting out
over his hand and my belly with a yell.

"Shhhh,"
he snickered."Scully will hear
you."

"Like
*I* care," I murmured with a satisfied yawn."In fact, I think she wants to hear *you*..."Without warning, I bore down with my
sphincter muscles, and he howled and came at once, making us both dissolve into
post-coital giggling as soon as he'd recovered.

All
kidding aside, I rebuked him gently."Hey--you may have had a hellish childhood, but I figure that
somehow it all came together to bring you here to love me now."

"Thanks
so much," he replied snidely."If it weren't for my past, you wouldn't love me so much--is *that*
what you're implying?"

I kissed
him again to shut him up."No," I began again, more slowly this time."The forces that shaped you, even old
Bill Mulder, child abuser, made you the man you are.They made you into the man I love, so I can't deny that
*something* good came out of it all.If
it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here right now.In fact, I'd probably be dead, and would never have met you
besides.No, I don't regret having done
my job, but I'm just a little thankful to him for delivering you to me.Do you appreciate that?"

He was
quiet at last, then smiled slowly."Thank *you*, Alex.Thank
you for putting up with me and appreciating *me*.I think we're going to be okay."

"I
know *I* am," I smiled back, "and I'm willing to put up with you
while you get there.I love you."

"I
love you, too.You saved my life, you
know..."

"Eh,
I'd do it again," I joked mildly, though it nearly brought tears to my
eyes to see the smile on his face as he slowly fell asleep.

The next
afternoon I took my place next to Mulder in the quiet room at Dr. Isaacson's
office, whose table had been folded up and moved out of the way, leaving a
circle of chairs that were filling up quickly with patients and friends.The doctor made a small introductory speech,
then one by one, people stood up to tell their stories, share their successes,
and seek understanding from their peers.I tried to guess which member of a few pairs was the true survivor, and
I was surprised how many times my assumptions were totally wrong.

During a
short break, Isaacson took us aside to welcome us, assuring Mulder that he
didn't have to speak if he didn't wish to do so.We thanked him, then partook of the array of cookies that had
been set out for the group.Before I
could ask Mulder what he wanted to do, we were seated once again in the circle,
listening to testimonials and tales of individual day-to-day struggles.

The
session was nearly over when Mulder, taking advantage of a pause in the
proceedings, grasped my hand and stood from his seat."Hi," he addressed the gathering, "my name is Marty,
and I am an incest survivor."

Voices
around the room greeted him with friendly calls of "Welcome, Marty"
and "Hi, Marty."

However,
he stopped himself and looked at me for a moment.I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but I tried to reassure
him with my gaze.

Smiling
back at me, he squeezed my hand tight and said, "No, wait.Let me start over.My name is Fox..."

THE END

AUTHOR'S
NOTE:Apologies if our hero seemed to
get better too quickly.I took a few
creative liberties with his recovery time in order to present a complete
picture.I genuinely respect anyone who
has had to face down this kind of demon in their own lives, and am truly
impressed by the hard work they've devoted to getting to a place of peace and
strength.My hopes for better things
are with you.Thank you for
reading.Feel free to feedback, if you
like.

ADDITIONAL
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:Thanks to Cathy at
Chimerical for her earlier article on post-traumatic stress disorder, which I
used in part as a reference in this story.Greetings also to Vehemently, whose personal squick did NOT in any way
influence the events of this story--much.;)