"I, every congressman and senator, resolve to pass a bill allowing my constituents to set my salary in the future." (R. Umland, Summerfield, Fla.)

"I, Bill Clinton, resolve to have my picture taken at least once this year with my wife." (Dave Dahlke, Port Orchard, Wash.)

"I, John Kerry, resolve to reference my Vietnam service fewer times in 2004 than there are names on the Vietnam Memorial." (L. Berry, Voorhees,
N.J.)

"I, Ben Chandler, Democratic nominee for congressman of Kentucky, resolve to stop acting like Howard Dean." (David Adams, Nicholasville, Ky.)
Note: The Feb. 17 special election for the 6th Congressional District of Kentucky is the first partisan contest this year in the United States.

"We, Republican Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins [both of Maine], resolve to end the years-long charade and place 'Democrat' after our
names." (C. Henderson, Houston)

"I, Arnold Schwarzenegger, resolve in 2004 to correctly pronounce the name of the state I govern." (Scott Wance, Reston, Va.)

"I, John Kerry, resolve to wash my mouth out with green or purple ketchup the next time I use the 'F-word.' I also resolve to tell my wife what a
dumb idea artificially colored ketchup is." (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)

"I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to never again use the following terms in the same sentence: 2000, Florida, election and selection." (John Casteel,
Traverse City, Mich.)

"I, George W. Bush, resolve to veto any bill that makes a person or behavior or status legal that is now illegal." (N.N., Philadelphia)

"I, Wesley Clark, resolve to write on the blackboard 100 times, 'Being a bully doesn't prove anything; I must develop integrity and moral fiber if
I want to prove how tough I am.' " (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)

"Now that everyone knows Brits, Italians, Bulgarians and even Thais have died in Iraq, I, Howard Dean, shall never again use the word
'unilateral.' " (Ali F. Sevin, Fort Washington, Md.)

"I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to embark on a career where I can be successful." (Dave Guild, Prior Lake, Minn.)

"I, John Kerry, the French-looking Democrat senator from Massachusetts, who by the way served in Vietnam, resolve to get a white-sidewall,
Marine-style haircut." (Retired Air Force Lt. Col. Harry M. Mathis, Round Rock, Texas)

"I, Howard Dean, resolve to be the candidate for conspiracy theorists, militant pacifists, and those who only take their foot out of their mouth
to shoot it." (Nate Coates, Washington)

... occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern
civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups. Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to settle down.
Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture. After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned actual
cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home,
and the brewery. This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to the division of the species, which persists to this day.

Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit
of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling off color jokes.

Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat around
worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their
fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.

Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips to use in
distinguishing the two types:

By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people are too
stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.

Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars.
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne.

All conservatives drink beer - American beer. Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to
drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American. Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas.

Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue.

Decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.

Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so
they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.

James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks
are conservatives.

Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.

Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital
punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.

Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona," "Patton," and "Conan the Barbarian." Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides," "Last Tango in Paris,"
and "The Big Chill."

The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair."
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one
of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born yet."

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill
Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is
Globalization.

... one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied
up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We
Shall Overcome" one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday
someon will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to
his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?"

... who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have
recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in WellingtonBronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our
team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest
with her.

A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a
small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to
speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."