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rain April 30, 2014

the rainy day has left me miserable and stressed, and full of self-doubt.

i didn’t want to go to nova scotia, but now i really want to. i will be disappointed if Jim doesn’t get that job.

maybe i could go to nova scotia and start over. maybe in nova scotia my house will be clean, maybe my children won’t drive me crazy and maybe i wont be constantly humming with stress. (as if….) if we go to ns i can pretend like im somebody else and nobody will know the difference.

i want to be good at something. i was reminded today that i am shit at ASL. i thought i was getting half-decent. deluding myself into feeling like i was getting better was stupid.

i dont really trust myself right now. ive been medicated for a year, and that was safe. and now im newly out of it, and i have no idea if its going to stick or not. am i okay now? is this normal? am i settled? can i trust that my moods wont literally try to kill me anymore? what if something upsets me and i am triggered and im not medicated anymore. when it comes back in six months, and i’m out of the ‘system’, whos going to help. in six months we could be in a different province. i dont trust that i can do i unmedicated yet.

I feel like what i saw in Cordelia’s face when she learned to walk by herself. she could walk just fine if she held your hand, and she had a firm grip. but if you let go (as in, peeled your fingers out of her tiny fist) she would look scared, shocked and betrayed and she would gently lower herself to the floor to sit down and wait for you to give your hand back. then in the airport, after two weeks of walking all over Europe in her little leather lion slippers, she let go of my hand, balanced herself by holding her arms out like an airplane and took a couple steps. then she turned to me and beamed.

and that was it, she didn’t repeat it for anyone for a long time. she didn’t need to show it to anyone else.