Friday, 31 May 2013

Human racist, Luis Suarez, has announced that he wants to leave Liverpool because he is tired of everyone reminding him that he bites people and also that he hates black people. Unfortunately for him, it's not his choice

The Liverpool striker has said that it is a good time for a change, and coincidentally Real Madrid have just started trying to sign him but that's just a coincidence, and now that the Spanish giants are in the hunt, the Uruguayan has begun blaming the media for making him so unpopular.

"I do not know when I'm going and I do not know if I'm staying."

"I have only words of thanks to the club, the fans of Liverpool."But the treatment I received from the rest of England in recent weeks has been tough.

"It [Liverpool] is a spectacular club, but they are aware of the way that the press treats me."

I can't help but feeling that if he hadn't racially abused someone, constantly cheated on the pitch and then bit another person while on TV he wouldn't have had so much bad press. But what would I know? This is like when I ran over that dog and those evil newspapers put up headlines to get me arrested. Oh I'm sorry if I can't tell a dog from a child when driving fast, I suppose I'm supposed to check a playground everytime I take a shortcut through it now am I?

Incredibly gifted manager Mark Hughes has decided that the criticism directed at him for his abomination of a job at QPR will inspire him to prove you wrong. He wants you on his side!

The ex-Blackburn manager's appointment as Tony Pulis's replacement has been met with pretty much utter disdain at Stoke, but he promises to bring entertainment to the fans. And by that I thinks he means fans of football as he helps relegate the club back to hell where they belong. Or maybe he means that he'll get them involved in a relegation scrap at least, because that is entertaining. Certainly it's more fun than finishing 10th every year.

"I've had something like 270 games as a Premier League manager, but people do tend to look at the last year or so.

"But I don't regret moving to QPR. A lot of managers have gone in there and found it difficult."

If there was one way thing you could accurately judge Mark Hughes on, I'd say his transfer record is right up there. Stoke don't intend to give him very much money to galvanise the squad and Hughes isn't really the kind of boss who works on a budget. While similarly hyped early in his career manager, David Moyes, starts his new important job at Manchester United, Hughes now pretty much finds himself having to actually buy community shield tickets when the next season starts rather than sneaking in for free with his friends.

"If I am honest, we all tried to run there before we could walk," he said. "That was the mistake that we made. I made mistakes I will learn from."

Haven't we all? Maybe now is the time to let go of the past and embrace such potential as Steve Kean, Steve McLaren and Paul Ince and let their creative flair loose on the Premier League too. If you could buy tickets at Ticketbis for some sort of event where those three have to manage a successful football club, you'd notice that this sentence doesn't make any sense, and that that's ok because we have to get paid for this stuff somehow.

Perhaps Mark Hughes will do the unthinkable and let the average football fan enjoy watching a Stoke game this year, as he drives the team bus into a river and Peter Crouch uses his giant arms to lift everyone to live on top of a mountain. Like the Iron Giant or Tin Man or the BFG. The big fucking gangly.

Kids, if you ever wanted proof that drugs may have an adverse effect on your brain, look no further than former Chelsea striker, Adrian Mutu, who has announced on TV that God sent him a baby by hiding it down a toilet in China.

Now obviously that's not Mutu, it is in fact a man who swallowed an entire bag of coke in order to hide it from police, and the subsequent mug shot, but it might also stress how mental some people go when they consume a lot of drugs. Adrian Mutu said:

"I couldn't figure out how to carry on living, how to eat my breakfast when I saw this story on TV. He's a special child. When I saw the baby I said 'I must adopt him, he has been sent to me by God.'

"Just look at this poor little fellow. He made such a strong impression on me. I told my wife we have to help him, we have to do everything we can.

If those aren't the ramblings of a clear lunatic then I'm not wearing an Abraham Lincoln disguise right now. NO-ONE SUSPECTS THE LINCOLN.

What on earth must his wife be thinking? As she opens her eyes, covered in pot noodle and tin foil, her shaking husband declares that he wants to adopt a sewer baby from China. While rollerblading around the house wearing a boiler suit and smoking 18 fags at the same time

Monaco are the latest in a long line of clubs to start a cheat game of Football Manager and buy every single person that they can in order to win stuff. I like it.

Not content with the signings of James Rodriguez and Joao Moutinho from Porto for a combined sum of £45million, the newly promoted French club have now added Ricardo Carvalho to their ranks. Oh yeh and they're about to sign Falcao. At least we now know he is in no way interested in money.

Monaco's general director said:

"Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are not very realistic options. I don't think they are for sale,"

Then he turned around very fast and from a sly giggle, slowly found himself laughing maniacally while twisting his moustache. I assume he has a moustache. Otherwise how will we know he's evil?

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Spurs fans beware! Your precious G Bale would consider a move to Real Madrid according to his agent, and any sane human being in the world ever.

Gareth's agent, Jonathan Barnett, told a Spanish television show:

If somebody like Mr Perez was interested in Gareth Bale it would be a great honour and we would listen

This is football code for "please make a ridiculous offer so I can bathe in money and hire a chimpanzee to live around the house and also be in Spain" except maybe not the chimpanzee bit because I guess Gareth Bale is already about 80% ape anyway. Maybe he doesn't want to live with G Bale. He's always doing push ups and sit ups and drinking those protein shakes, leaving them everywhere. He's just a terrible room mate, basically. Not like me. You should live with me Jonathan Barnett, DON'T LEAVE ENGLAND OH GOD

Rafa Benitez has abandoned his interim job at Chelsea where everyone appears to hate him, to hang out with new cool kids who don't think he's a nerd, in Napoli.

I've forgotten just how many videos I've actually made now but I know that one has some drawings of Benitez in it. Back in those days we all thought Benitez was the pantomime villain who would win over the Chelsea fans and restore trophies to the London club, but actually he turned up, tried really hard and was bullied by grown men, left without thanks and won the most pointless trophy in world football. Even the Scottish Cup is more valuable because at least you win a place in Europe. The Europa League is like winning.... a twix.... in a vending machine. I think I've made that joke before. The Europa League is like coming to fitbathatba and reading a repeat of a joke

In another non-surprise managerial rumour thing, Everton are going to talk to Roberto Martinez about replacing David Moyes following the Spaniard's announcement that he will leave Wigan.

Dave Whelan seems pretty convinced that Martinez is just about the best manager in the world, ever, and in fairness to him he did win the FA Cup with a team that included Gary Caldwell, a feat akin to winning a Formula One race with a tractor powered by heroin. Will he succeed? I don't care, but Everton fans do care, if their reaction to the new club badge design is anything to go by.

The new badge (on the right) was designed to make replicating the logo much easier and therefore better for marketing purposes but OH MY GOD YOU CANT CHANGE THINGS I CANT COPE WITH CHANGE OH MY GOD SOMEONE KILL ME NOW is pretty much the response the fans gave. Now maybe they won't change the logo. If there's one thing that history has taught us, it's that listening to the people is always the greatest idea. The mass population has been responsible for such scientific progression as setting fire to people for being witches, setting fire to people for being homosexual and setting fire to people for being black. Or as my Uncle likes to call it 'Tuesday night with the lads'

So good old Kolo will add some much needed experience to Liverpool's defence, especially with Jamie Carragher retiring and the rumours that Martin Skrtel is off to fight crime on the moon, or under the sea where he belongs. He looks like one of the bad guys from Stingray.

Toure only managed 13 games last season, partly due to the fact he was suspended for 6 months following a failed drugs test. And for someone like that the best place he could possibly move is Liverpool because there are no drugs there. Never ever have I heard of a scouser travelling around the UK to sell illegal drugs. Sincerely, little girl

Stoke City aren't happy enough with being hated by everyone, and that's why they fired the only successful part of their whole operation and are about to replace him Mark 'I'll help you lose' Hughes.

The handshake fearing manager has been approached by the Premier Club to replace suit-wearing ape ned, Tony Pulis, and he'll be a good appointment for Stoke as they look to continue their trend of not achieving anything. He might very well keep Stoke up for a couple of seasons but the only person excited about this is Shaun Wright-Philips because he might finally get a game again. Mark Hughes is probably also excited because it's a Premier League club and these opportunities don't come around every day.

Then again it is Stoke. It's like a really hot girl inviting you to her room to have sex, but then you realise she's a prostitute and you have to pay her. Also she gives you syphilis. And Kenwyne Jones keeps trying to break down the door like a rhino

Nuff people say they know that can't believe, Gibraltar has a football team

Ooooooh isn't that nice? Well it should be because that's pretty much it. That picture is like the whole of Gibraltar and now Uefa has decided that this nation of 30,000 people should be able to compete in the same international competitions as Spain, Italy, Germany, England, France and basically every other single country on the continent who will all beat them. I don't think San Marino have ever won an international game and they have 32,000 people living there. Which begs the question, if I just move to Gibraltar for like 5 years would I be eligible to play for them? Not getting a game for Gibraltar is going to be like my high school football team all over again, but hopefully with less murders

UEFA has decided that to make the Europa League have any value whatsoever, the winners will be allowed to compete in the Champions League. In 2015. Next year is still pointless

Another consideration for UEFA is whether the big leagues in Europe should be allowed a fifth Champs League place and to expand the number of teams that can qualify for the Europa League so that we don't just end up with the exact same teams every fucking year. This still means that whoever can be arsed trying to win the UEFA cup next season is basically like that guy at work who gets 'team leader' and then starts acting like a dick because they think they own the place. YOU ARE NOT A MANAGER YOU COCK

Monday, 27 May 2013

Benfica were on course for a historic treble this season, and as recently as two weeks ago it seemed like a very achievable task. Now they have 0 trophies because they made an arse of every game.

It started with the Portuguese side being beaten in the last minute of the Europa League final by Chelsea, forcing morale to plummet ahead of a crucial league decider against Porto, which they also lost. Now, hilariously, they have managed to lose the Portuguese Cup Final against Vitoria de Guimaraes and have ended the season with exactly 0 trophies.

Now I can laugh at this because I can relate. I also once lost the league, champions league final and FA cup final in one week in football manager and went outside to the garden, frisbeed the disc over the wall into a graveyard, and never played it again.

You might think my story isn't as tragic because it's a computer game but you'd be wrong. I don't even live in Portugal so why would I care

PSG keeper, Ronan Le Crom (LOL), made his debut at the age of 38 this weekend. Not only was it his debut, it was also his very last game before retirement so he was keen to play well. And that's why he got sent off after 28 minutes

Old Crommy, as his friends call him, came on as a half time substitute and promptly managed to concede a penalty and be shown a red card within 28 minutes on the pitch. He then started crying because he was so upset/embarrassed, and Mamadou Sakho, who has the coolest fucking name ever, went in goal until full time. The score ended 3-1 so it wasn't that bad, and certainly not bad enough to warrant crying everywhere. What is going on with all these footballers recently?! I didn't even cry at my neighbour's funeral and it was mostly fault that he died in the first place. Oh sure I'm going to learn to drive "at an empty car park" Mr Judge. Well you shouldn't be walking your dog where I'm driving. Especially on a pavement. Idiot.

Brazilian superstar Neymar (THAT RHYMES HOLY FUCK) played his last game for Santos last night before he moves to Barcelona like everyone's known he will for months. Then he cried like a big girl

Ohhhh you must be so sad leaving your home country to earn millions playing for one of the greatest club sides of all time, oh wow I'm so sad for you. It turns out that this isn't the first time he's been greetin because he's sad

There's him crying when he won a penalty shoot out

And here's him crying when Santos lost against Barcelona. Jesus dude, you need man up. If he turns up at the Nou Camp and Fabregas offers him a biscuit, he's going to lose his shit. I bet once he jizzes inside or near a lady he tries to cuddle them and starts talking about his feelings and tells her he loves her and that he'll always be there for her. Gay

Tickets were pretty much impossible to get hold of for the Champions League final on Saturday unless you were very rich, lucky or Sepp Blatter - and he's all three. One cheeky chap decided to disguise himself and get in. DID HE MANAGE?

Well no, is the short answer. The guy in question, who writes for supportersnotcustomers.com, bought this hi vis vest on ebay and then got UEFA steward printed on it. Seems pretty fool proof tbf

Except that the stewards actually looked like this:

You should read the story because it's funny and also that way I don't feel so guilty about borrowing photos from his site, but mostly because it's funny. It reminds me of the time that I tried to break into a hospital while wearing a disguise and was similarly unsuccessful. In his defence, the costume shop man did warn me that Captain Hook doesn't often work in a hospital, but at least it was funny when I got to stand next to an open heart surgery table. They didn't find my hand inside :-(

OH my god I realised last night that I haven't written since Wednesday so sorry about that. In my defence I have been very, very drunk. Not as drunk as Bayern Munich fans on Saturday though I bet, because their team won the Champions League. Yaaaaaay

I was playing a gig at a wedding so I didn't actually see the game but since I am so good at football writing I will explain accurately what happened. Bayern Munich played really, really well and scored two goals, which was one more than Dortmund managed to score even though Dortmund tried really, really hard. Jurgen Klopp looked bad ass and was moon walking along the touch line, Arjen Robben probably passed the ball about 3 times when he saw himself on the video screens and everyone wondered why they started Mandzukic and not Gomez when Gomez is rated way higher in FIFA.

Then a giant skeleton walked on to the pitch amid a ball of light and pointed at Mario Gotze, before saying "HAVE YOU SEEN THE KEYS TO THE SHED?" and Mario said "I think I left them on the kitchen table" and then the skeleton said "WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A SHED" and that was the twist.

Every cup final needs a twist. Twist and Shout. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH

Do you remember those twist and squeeze juice things?

I can't remember if they were nice or not. If a girl ever offers you a twist and squeeze you should take it though

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Harry Redknapp may appear like he's very loyal to lots of clubs until he gets bored/offered more money somewhere else but he can't be arsed hanging out with all the dicks in QPR at all. I don't blame him really.

Harry has said that he may actually abandon QPR unless he is allowed to sign even more players:

"I don't need to come to work every day and have that aggravation. I want to get a group in willing to come, learn and take a bit of pride in what they do. Hopefully I have support from the board and we have to see what players we can find."

What the fuck was Mark Hughes even doing at that place?! This is the equivalent of giving him a cow to go to market and then instead of even coming home with magic beans he brings back a half used battery, broken lawn mower and Shaun Wright-Philips

Wayne Rooney is outraged that people have suggested he asked for a transfer away from Man United, eloquently stating that he "never said them things". Here's the video I made about him

Wayne recently gave birth to another son, who he named after one of his favourite things to eat. Klay Rooney will join other children in the 'stupid names that haunt children forever' club with the benefit of being Wayne Rooney's son being that not only are you rich, but also he will eat anyone that bullies you.

Rooney snr however feels like he's being bullied out of Old Trafford and tbf it might be that SAF knew David Moyes was taking over months ago and so started slyly managing him out of the club, so he might have a point. But if he stopped asking for transfers to other clubs this would probably stop. It was like how I learned the best way not to have to keep going to court was to stop hanging outside my girlfriend's house at night. I'm always one step ahead. Or in this case about 20 steps behind. I'm pretty sure she hasn't noticed me yet

Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich are set to battle to death in London this Saturday to try to win the Champions League final but double agent Gotze might not make it!

The recent Bayern capture is one of Dormund's most important players if they do actually want to win on Saturday but in training yesterday he had to pull out because he had pain in his upper leg.

That's what she said

How convenient that he befalls this kind of injury so close to the match that his new club is absolutely desperate to win. Perhaps Bayern just really listen to his ideas in a way that Dortmund never did

New York soccer fans rejoice for you have a brand new team to support that isn't sponsored by Red Bull. It's sponsored by money instead

Baseball team, The Yankees, and football team, Man City, now share a franchise in Manhattan which means you have another reason to go to that part of the world as if the fact that it's awesome wasn't enough. I would literally kill to be allowed to live in New York City which unfortunately is the exact reason I'm not allowed to. Next time I think I won't tell them that at immigration. Or at least I won't wear my hockey mask and mime a chainsaw at the same time again

Alan Pardew is 'pretty confident' that isn't going to be fired for being terrible at his job and blaming everyone but himself for Newcastle's abject failures this year. He's going for a chat with Mike Ashley

After Sunday's 1-0 defeat against Arsenal, the manager said:

"I'm pretty confident I'll be the manager here. I love being the manager,"

"I will be speaking to Mike [Ashley, owner] and Derek [Llambias, managing director] this week to make sure we get a response and a reaction."

The problem in this scenario is that Pardew has about another 8 years left on his contract and can't really be fired. This would be great if he'd had his team performing anything like they did last season but they had the creative output of the explanation of infinite. If you put infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters eventually they will write the entire works of shakespeare, but sadly if you put a bunch of French players and Shola Ameobi on a football pitch together eventually they might try a through ball.

Arsene Wenger has almost completed the free transfer of Yaya Sanogo, one of the secret players that becomes amazing in FM12. Also he wants to waste the rest of his money Jovetic.

Sanogo has scored 10 in 19 appearances for Auxerre and has signed a pre-contract agreement to join Arsenal as of this summer. The 20 year old also has 18 in 18 for France under-21s so his real life stats kinda match his FM persona but I'm kinda annoyed because now everyone is going to be like 'oh Yaya Sanogo is so cool' when I thought he was cool way before they did. This is Kings of Leon all over again.

New Manchester United manager David Moyes had his first day at school on Monday and he met his new staff so he could decide which ones he wanted to keep and which to get rid off. Like pogs.

I haven't checked what the odds on Man United to win the Premier League are with a new boss but I can't expect they're going to be any worse than when SAF was in charge. David Moyes looks absolutely mental so if United don't end up winning something, someone is getting booted in the face. I bet when he walks into the canteen and looks for a place to sit rather than having to find a table on his own he just sits next to a group and tells them to shut up and then starts taking things from their plate, then tells them an anecdote about that time he slammed this guy's head in his car door outside Tesco. If fear doesn't inspire them, nothing will. Except maybe haribo

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

I stole this headline directly from Sky Sports News. Tony Pulis has left Stoke City, which I cannot figure out if it's a shock or not. Stoke were unbelievably fucking boring last season. It's easy to make fun of Stoke and say they only score from set pieces and throw-ins, but last season it really did seem that they were becoming a parody of themselves.

Pulis deserves credit for getting Stoke into the Premier League and keeping them there, he also got them into the FA Cup Final and the Europa League. Unfortunately all his good work was undone by dressing like a chav and always wearing a cap. Almost all of us would agree that Pulis had taken Stoke as far as his managerial skills and finances would allow. Rory Delap is devastated, he's managed to survive the last few years in the Premier League purely on the fact that he can throw a ball really far.

As it customary at Stoke, his departure will be celebrated by various japes. Jermaine Pennant has written goodbye on Tony's car using his own feces. Charlie Adam has stuffed his locker with dead badgers and Ryan Shawcross has set fire to his office - what a great bunch of lads.

What's the angriest you've ever been at football? Have you ever thrown a pie? A coin? Your false teeth? What?

That isn't a screengrab from a Big Train sketch, that really is a fans falsers. As you can see from the picture, Argentinos Juniors were losing 3-1 to Belgrano. One fan was especially annoyed and threw his false teeth at the manager- which is really gross. I guess sometimes shouting, swearing and flares just aren't enough.

I was once threatened with being arrested by an overzealous policeman, for giving the middle finger to a Rangers' supporters bus- but I cannot say that I've ever been angry enough to throw an inanimate object. "I hate you so much, let me find something to throw at you."

It seems a long time ago that Sunderland hammered Newcastle and everyone was really excited about Di Canio. Jump forward a few weeks and he's fallen out with pretty much everyone at the club.

That's a picture of Phil Bardsley being a bellend. To celebrate not being shit enough to get relegated, he and a couple of team-mates went to the casino and took photos of themselves covered in £50 notes. Di Canio found out and arranged a fitness test for first thing the next morning. Bardsley says he was not drunk and I for one definitely believe him. He fucked up his fitness test and Di Canio said he would never play for Sunderland again, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except Bardsley's girlfriend who went on Twitter and called Di Canio a "psycho drama queen". It's reported that he's banned tomato ketchup and sugar from the club's canteen to try and get the players in better shape. This has upset David Vaughan who really likes ketchup and sugar to accompany his diet of rats and squirrels.

Despite his facist beliefs, I'm supporting Paolo here. The majority of footballers are assholes, and it's good to see someone putting them in their place. Plus you know if anyone did stand up to him, he would beat the shit out of them. He's only a few bad results away from starting himself up front, and that's what everyone wants to see.

Monday, 20 May 2013

There are some transfer rumours that are exciting and made up, but there are others which boring the living tits off of everyone in the world. The Joao Moutinho one has started again. Already.

AVB has been so sad without his best friend Joao and now that the Premier League season has been finished for about 24 hours, the newspapers have decided to start linking everyone with everyone again. The Andy Carroll saga is going to be horrendous, the Ronaldo stuff might be OK and I've heard that Moutinho is meant to be pretty good but stories like this from The Sun are going to break the internet:

JOAO MOUTINHO is the first target in Andre Villas-Boas’ summer revolution at Spurs.

The Porto midfielder, 26, almost joined Tottenham at the start of the season before his move collapsed.

Spurs boss AVB worked with Moutinho in Portugal and wants to make him a key player.

But a deal would cost at least £30million and Monaco are also considering a bid.

I don't really understand how the internet works but if any asshole is allowed to just post rambling mentions of footballers he knows about, then we're going to run out of space for videos of cats playing the piano. And that is the greatest crime of all.

Carlos Ancelotti has told PSG chiefs that he wants to leave because Real Madrid seems nice instead. They have said no way jose, which was silly because his name is Carlo.

The Italian won Ligue 1 this year with the French outfit but will have to watch the Champions League Final as a spectator after his side were knocked out by.... someone. I forget who. All I know is that I really like Zlatan

TBH I mostly just pretend to watch football. Half of the stories I write about I've only actually read the headline and then made up what's happened while I type it. Like in this case I assume he's asked to leave because he wants to manage Real Madrid but it could be because he wants to write the great American novel. His is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. He calls it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."

See? Even my jokes are cut and paste. It's all been a facade! Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep writing the same jokes about footballers but then I proof read articles like this and realise that baby, I've got too much talent not to. Some people phone me up sometimes and say "JJ you are so fucking talented" and I'm just like "uhhhhh I know that. But thanks for telling me anyway. Have a biscuit" and then I punch the next woman or child I see on the street. I'm like a modern Dickins or Hemingway

Our friends over at 8Bit Football very kindly created this image of some of the heros behind the legendary '83 Aberdeen team. It's made me very aroused

You can buy t-shirts and prints that they do from lots of different teams, even from some players who play in actually relevant leagues like the English one, but since it was recently the 30th of anniversary of when the mighty Dons triumphed over Real Madrid, I thought it relevant to share this with you. That's it really.

Oh in other news Conor Flynn won our Fantasy Football League that I forgot we were doing. Jack tends to do those things. I get excited for about the first week until I'm not top of the table and then I spend hours hitting refresh on Facebook because MY LIFE IS SO EXCITING

Forgotten Liverpool star, Raheem Sterling, had an enjoyable day to court as the assault charges against him were dismissed because there is no evidence of it at all.

The Jamaican born, 18 year old, father-of-one was having a lovely sit down in a car outside the court with David Brenton Rodgers when a judge decided to dismiss the case because the witnesses didn't turn up. This means that Sterling won't have to answer charges that he attacked a 27 year old woman and can go about his life without the fear of jail. Although now that he lives in Liverpool that probably wouldn't actually be a bad thing. Almost anyone I ever meet from Liverpool either wants to sell me drugs, fight me or is in the Beatles. Sometimes all of those.

Paolo Di Canio went fairly tits this weekend over the overpaid ballbags he has to work with at Sunderland. In particular he extra hates Phil Bardsley who "didn't" get pissed in a casino and took photos of himself lying on the floor.

Di Canio left Bardsley out of the squad for the game against Spurs on Sunday and also went on a rant where he revealed every other player he's fined recently for having the audacity of trying to vaguely enjoy the lifestyle that one associates with being a footballer. According to him they should be athletic robots:

If I discovered one of my players had drunk not on a Friday but even a Monday night, I would fine him.

'If you are talking about a glass of red wine during dinner with family on a Monday night or Tuesday night, that’s good because we know red wine is good for the heart.

'But forget about alcohol on Thursday or Friday. I don’t think this team have this habit – I hope not!
This is my regime. Obviously, with little things, you can close one eye because good footballers are important.'

On one hand this makes a lot of sense, because if your job is to be an extremely fit athlete, getting drunk is not particularly conducive to it. It is conducive to building forts out of household items, setting fire to things you probably shouldn't and talking to random girls in an effort to make them have sex with you. Maybe if I tried doing those things in a different order I wouldn't keep being rejected or accidentally murdering prostitutes I mean uhhhhh I don't drink

It's finally happened! The season is at a close and despite achieving a record amount of Premier League points, Spurs still aren't in the Champions League. THINK OF THE BALE! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BALE

Arsenal celebrated finishing 4th as if they didn't even realise that this isn't really a great thing and even a thunderstrike from G Bale against Sunderland couldn't prevent the party. Newcastle's inability to be good meant that Arsene Wenger has now secured Champions League football for 17 years in a row, and out of those 17 they have won the prestigious tournament exactly zero times because Wenger insists on buying players like Eboue and Flamini. So boring.

Luckily for Spurs they now get to play teams that you are annoyed you have to use when you play the FIFA drinking game, from countries that you aren't exactly sure where they are, on Thursdays. Thursday is the worst night. Nothing ever happens, you have to watch Channel 5 and you can't even get pissed because you have work the next day. What else are you supposed to do? Oh sure, read a book. Why don't you just phone my Dad and tell him I'm gay?

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Do you remember earlier when I wrote about Michael Owen's car being vandalised by some banteriffic bellends at Stoke? Well now the club are investigating claims that someone put a pig's head in Kenwyne Jones' locker and he is piiiiiiissed.

There are a few people in the world I try to avoid annoying through fear of repercussion: gangs of youths, people carrying Farmfoods bags, homeless, and anyone who looks anything like Kenwyne Jones. Not so for the assholes at Stoke, because some chump put an actual pig's head in his locker, leaving blood and general grossness behind. Kenwyne responded as any polite gentleman would, by throwing a brick through Glenn Whelan's windshield.

I don't even know who Glenn Whelan is. I'm not sure Kenwyne does either but HELLLL mother fucka, somebody gotta pay!

Tony Pulis said:

"We have a smashing dressing room, and there are four or five lads who are always up to something," he said. "There is always banter going on.

"I honestly don't know what's gone on this morning, I've missed all of what's happened. I try to stay away from the home dressing room as much as I possibly can. I let the lads get on with it.

Urgghhghgghgh just look at what a repulsive ball sack he is. He not only refers to the players as 'lads' but also confirms that they 'have banter'. Great banter, mate. Now you've got a giant Kenwyne Jones shaped Godzilla walking around Stoke throwing bricks through cars and breathing fire, I hope you're pleased

Fired Manchester City manager bought an advert in the Manchester Evening News with his own money to thank the fans. What a guy.

Despite winning the league, the FA Cup and finishing 2nd in both the next year, Mancini's Euro failures seem to have secured his fate as Man City look to a new manager to take the club forward. At the moment they're looking really hard at that Pellegrini guy, if any newspaper in the world is anything to go by. Alex Ferguson thinks the decision is bullshit:

"It was quite amazing. He has won the FA Cup, been in the final, second in the league and won the league and it's not good enough?" he said.

"I was surprised, but actually no, you can't say you are surprised not with some owners today. You can't be surprised, but I still don't think it was right."

Other than his complete failure in Europe, it appears that almost every single person at the club hated Mancini because he was a self centred jerk. This general feeling towards the manager has only really come from an ex-kit man, and if your job is to simply wash dirty, used football jerseys once a week and you get fired from that, you probably aren't very good at life. So I wouldn't believe anything he says. Although this pyramid scheme he told me about seems like a really good idea. I don't see how any one can miss out! Better get in early ;)

Almost retired David Beckham is going to invest all of his underpants cash in a new MLS club because he cleverly had a clause inserted in his contract which made that an easy thing to do.

The former England captain will exercise his contractual right to buy a club for £16million, which is apparently a lot less than normal humans are expected to pay. He said:

"I have the right to own a franchise, which I will action immediately after I stop playing."

The MLS has 19 teams at the moment but Man City's owners are going to make another New York one, which kinda only leaves Miami/Florida without a real soccer team. He could of course move to any part of America but Miami would be nice, because according to a song I heard, Will Smith lives there and they could be friends. Or maybe even lovers. Is it gay if I want to shag Will Smith? Only time will tell

Stoke City are a club full of utter clowns and when Michael Owen is the player I like most in a team, it means the team is full of utter clowns. Clowns that flour and egg someone's car.

Yes those loveable scamps at Stoke decided to honour the former England international's retirement by 'hilariously' throwing eggs and flour all over his car. There is no part of this I find funny. I fucking hate Stoke and cannot wait for them to be relegated to space jail. Michael Owen may be egotistical and annoying, but at least he was once a great player and seems to enjoy the game - why he moved to Stoke I will never understand because he doesn't seem like 'ONE OF THE LADS EH' and everyone else does. Tony Pulis' idea of a wine and cheese night is babybel and a vodka lemonade while he punches his dog in the face.

I haven't seen any quotes from Michael Owen about his car, but after he saw the mess he got in it and drove away in disgust, until about 40 yards down the road when the car pulled up with a hamstring injury.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Thousands of years after racism started, the FA have declared they are to bring in a minimum five game ban for doing a racism. It's taken a while.

Maybe one day racism will be eradicated, like smallpox. Until then, thank goodness we have organisations such as the Football Association to keep order. After royally fucking up the Luis Saurez and John Terry situations, they thought they should probably make some rules. Under the new plans, if a player is to commit one racism, he will receive a 5-game ban. If he is to commit a second, it's a 10-game ban and if there is a third case, then you are locked in a room with Jamie Redknapp and forced to listen to him talk about Liverpool for three days.

£4m has been invested into making a racism detector, which apparently can detect a racist remark from up to three miles away whilst it's still in the perpetrator's brain. Clubs can now be charged if two of their players make discriminatory remarks against ethnic origin, religion, race, colour, sexual orientation, ability, disability and even Titus Bramble. The times they are a-changin'.

Somewhere in crazy celebrity land, football and pop music collided and shit got real.

Apparently this guy is in One Direction, he's not Harry Styles so nobody cares. Liam Payne is his name, or should I say Liam PAIN - yeah, that's right. Whilst drinking in Mayfair's Budha bar, Liam noticed some jabronis giving abuse to a waitress. After a closer look, it turned out that those jabronis were Aaron Lennon, Kyle Walker, Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore. As is normal in groups of assholes, the smallest one was the loudest, the ring-leader as it were. Apparently Aaron Lennon was making fun of a waitress, when things went too far, Liam said "enough is enough!"

He's actually quoted as saying "what the fuck is going on!", then squared up to Aaron Lennon. Tom Huddlestone only came out of hibernation recently, and like all bears at this time of year he was hungry and grumpy. Luckily Liam's friends calmed him down before Huddlestone gave him a haymaker and devoured his lifeless carcass. We will call this one a draw. Next week it's Harry Styles Vs Gareth Bale.

Sexy pants wearer, David Beckham, has announced that he will finally retire from football at the end of the season. NOOOOOOOOOOO

Now 38, Beckham blasted on to the world scene when he lobbed Neil Sullivan from about 60something yards in an early 1996/97 season win against Wimbledon. That's how long he's been super famous for: Wimbledon were a still a thing. In later years he won league titles, Spice Girls, FA Cups and death threats, lovingly sent in by English people who were annoyed that their shitty team didn't beat Argentina in a world cup.

Beckham has decided to end his career after winning Ligue 1 with PSG, the MLS with LA Galaxy, La Liga with Real Madrid and the Premiership with Man United. But his greatest achievement? He won our hearts. And also he got to bang a lot of sluts. Then he married posh spice. Would I do her still? Probably. Angelina Jolie? I'm not sure. She'd have to get me pretty drunk now, which I guess is easy so yeh I probably would.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Loic Remy celebrated his team being relegated by being arrested for going out and raping someone allegedly. What a wonderful way to spend a Wednesday. I'd like to place more emphasis on the 'allegedly' bit.

The QPR striker has been arrested on suspicion of gang rape, which statistically only 9 out of 10 people enjoy, and is being held along with two other men in connection with the incident. I have no idea if the other two are footballers or not, but what is it about raping people that footballers find so appealing? Players like Ched Evans, RVP, Titus Bramble and many others would all be horrified to hear that their fellow professionals would stoop so low as to commit sex crimes (see video below), as am I.

Also, these guys are absolutely loaded. Surely they can afford a prostitute or two. Maybe even three prostitutes. I have no idea how much one of those costs but it can't be much more than the equivalent of a bottle of gin, dinosaur suit, pair of roller blades and stereo that plays the ghostbusters theme tune on repeat, or as it's more commonly known, my sexual assault costume. It's really annoying having to explain what I'm dressed as to every single woman that I chase down a terrifying, dark alley

INTERNET RUMOUR ALERT! There are rumours circulating around the world wide web that Alan Pardew is set to be binned this Summer and replaced with Europa League winner, Rafa Benitez. Coo-eeeeeeeh!

Good old Pards has been given the DREADED 'vote of confidence' by the Newcastle board after forgetting to hide how terrible at management he is and almost relegating a side that should comfortably have finished in the top half of the table. Rafa wants a chance to manage in England again and rebuild his reputation (apparently winning trophies and finishing third isn't enough anymore) soooooooo

Benitez would actually be great with that team, and Newcastle would have a manager of some genuine ability for the first time since Bobby Robson was there. I wish he hadn't died. Even now he's still a better manager than Steve Kean

Bayern Munich celebrated their Bundesliga title win in style this weekend, by pouring beer over each other and dancing around etc. Escaped horror film creature, Franck Ribery was very annoyed because his boring religion stops him from having fun.

Yes, when Ribery isn't busy soliciting under age prostitutes allegedly, he's being Muslim and this prevents him from having any contact whatsoever with alcohol. Of all the story book characters he could have believed in, he chose the one where fun is forbidden.

"I'm not going to talk to Boateng again - he knows that I'm Muslim"

Oh wow what a great sport, he seems like great fun. I don't know, nor understand, why alcohol is banned in Islam but I'm going to assume it's because Allah got smashed on Vodka Red Bull one night and slept with the 4/10 from the office. It's a good excuse, but after some actual research I have discovered that alcohol lowers your inhibitions, is linked with diseases (SATAN'S HANDIWORK) and basically they just don't like it. So Muslims are like those boring people you never hang out with because they order sparkling water in a pub. Why didn't you just tell me you were gay before we went out?

A man from Seattle decided that he would dribble a football all the way from his home to the spiritual world of the game in Brazil. It was all going so well until he was run over by a pick up truck. In the same city.

42 year old Richard Swanson was just minding his own business, dribbling a football across the road when a pickup truck drove into him, making the score pickup trucks 1, humans 0. It's probably higher than that actually. It's quite a sad story actually because he was only really doing it for an adventure and to raise money for charity but I guess that's just life sometimes. I'm going to attempt to cheer you up, and celebrate Richard's life by telling you a joke I made up today.

Your Momma's so fat that she has to use the panorama feature on her iphone 5 to take pictures of herself

John Terry successfully pretended he had been wearing a Chelsea strip all evening and lifted whatever the fuck the UEFA cup is called now. Nigel. It's called Nigel

The Chelsea Lions scored two goals in this evening's fixture against Benfica, which is exactly one more goal than the Portuguese outfit managed. This difference in goals is what helped Frank Lampard and friends win a trophy that, all joking aside, is about as important as the actual Eurovision Song Contest. Last year they became Champions of Europe, this year they brushed off a rendition of My Lovely Horse, although speaking about horses, Fernando Torres was actually really good and this confused me.

Benfica coach Jorge Jesus looks like you'd meet him on holiday somewhere and before you know it he's shagging you over the kitchen counter, combing his hair back with one hand and saluting himself in a mirror with the other. Then he finishes and just puts his trousers back on, before telling you to make him a steak because he's hungry now. I'm horny just thinking about it.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Manchester United are planning to appease fans doubtful of David Moyes' new reign by signing all of the best players, including Arsene Wenger's diamond in the rough, Cesc Fabregas.

I read in the Metro yesterday that United are planning a £20million move for the Barcelona midfielder because he "hasn't played that well" since moving. Utter nonsense. I'm fairly sure he's one of the top assists/scorers in La Liga and the only problem he has is that he has to wait until Xavi and Iniesta either die or are kidnapped before he'll get a proper starting position. At United his only midfield challenge would be Michael Carrick, who also has to start every game, and Darren Fletcher. No one is scared of someone who might poo themselves at any second. Unless it's your Granddad and you have to share a bed with him.

Former Chelsea striker Didier Drogba is currently ripping it up in Turkey. Ripping up what? I hear you ask, and I answer, RACISM KABLAHHHHHHHH

Some Fenerbahce fans waved bananas at Drogba to imply that he is some sort of monkey, forgetting that he actually has enough money to buy a real person and make it a slave, and then pay off the authorities so he can do it for longer. Who brings a banana to a fucking football match? Drogba responded to the crowd and said:

''You call me monkey but you cried when Chelsea beat Fenerbahçe in 2008, you called me monkey but you jumped in front of your screen when I won the Champions League, you called me monkey but you got mad when I became Champion with Galatasaray and the saddest thing is you called me monkey and forgot that you jumped my ''monkey'' brother scored twice yesterday… And you call yourself a true fan??

If Drogba really did have a monkey brother, I'm pretty sure that would be the best sitcom of all time. Can you imagine the wacky antics? Can you imagine?!!

Who brings a banana to the football!!!!!?????? Buy a pie you stupid cunt

Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini, is no longer Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini. Instead he is now just Roberto Mancini, or Spooky Dave as his close friends call him.

The former international player was the second ever Italian manager to win the Premier League and a year to the day that he achieved this, Mancini now finds himself looking for new employment. This won't take long because Monaco want to to hire him and I'm pretty sure once you're as cool, handsome and rich as he is you shouldn't have to pay for your drinks or dinners in like any restaurant anywhere. I mean, do you really expect me to have to pay for bargain buckets every single time I go to KFC? Uhhh hello? Have any of you Mexicans been on YouTube lately?

To summarise Mancini's reign over Man City, aside from the losing control of several players, the circus of mentals over shadowing his entire reign and an absolutely shambolic two European campaigns, here is the video we made to review last season