Forget the American Express Black Card; that's for chumps and lightweight wannabes. The truly exclusive card is the Uranium Card (tm).

You've probably heard of the ultra-exclusive American Express Black Card, a.k.a. the Centurion Card. The card is anodized titanium, and is famously invitation-only. There's a one-time $7,500 initiation fee and an annual $2,500 fee.

The card offers a variety of benefits such as concierge services, access to first-class airport lounges, and other exclusive travel services. There is no limit on the card's purchasing power, and holders make $100,000 or even $1 million purchases with the card. They also receive an exclusive magazine (Black Ink) that is only distributed to card holders.

The average Centurion cardholder has $16.3 million in assets and an annual household income of $1.3 million. Rumor has it that invitations are only offered to those American Express Platinum card holders who have charged $250,000 or more annually on their Amex card, though that stringent requirement may have been watered down in recent years.

Other credit card companies have tried to ride the coattails of Amex by issuing their own black cards, but these appear to be blatant attempts to cash in on the cache of the "real" black card. How do I know this is true? Because a poor, dumb writer (me) received a black card invitation. That means these bogus black cards are probably being offered to everyone above the level of unemployed people with defaulted student loans.

Forget the Black Card; that's for chumps and lightweight wannabes. The truly exclusive card is the Uranium Card (tm), which you've never heard about for good reason: there's only a few in circulation. It's kind of like bitcoin in that there are only a limited number added to those in circulation every year.

The card is made of various metals and a bit of depleted uranium for weight. (Recall that uranium in metal form is silvery in appearance.) It is slightly radioactive but that's part of its cache: only risk-takers receive invitations.

All those benefits like concierge services and access to first-class airport lounges you get with a Black Card? The Uranium Card offers none of that low-end rubbish. The Uranium Card has no services, because if you qualify, you fly on private aircraft and your people meet you in Paris, London, Shanghai or New York.

You have no need for any of those low-rent services in airports, hotels or rent-a-car agencies: you're kidding me, right, that a Uranium Card holder is going to rent a car or stay in a hotel? He or she owns a flat in Paris, London, NYC, etc. for goodness sake; they have zero need for plebian concierge services.

There's a car in the garage awaiting their arrival. Nothing fancy, just comfortable transport; attention is the last thing Uranium Card holders want or need.

You'll notice there's no bank or credit card number on the card. That's because the Uranium Card is not issued by a bank. In fact, the Uranium Card exists entirely outside the banking system. That chip holds the necessary account information to pay with bitcoin or gold, or other non-bank payment services.

Why would a Uranium Card holder trust a bank to secure data? The payment trail doesn't run through the banking system; if a payment has to be made through the banking system, any credit card will do.

For reasons I cannot divulge, I am in a position to recommend a few people for a Uranium Card. My fee is $10,000. The card costs $100,000 upfront, a one-time fee. Though credit lines can be arranged on a peer-to-peer basis, it's basically a non-bank payment card for those who prefer to avoid Imperial entanglements.

Please understand that my fee doesn't guarantee you'll actually be offered a Uranium Card; all I can do is get you in the queue.
• Charles Hugh Smith is an independent writer. He receives no funding from any university, trust fund, think-tank, shadowy C.I.A. front or government agency.