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‘Jack Daniels in the Steak Sauce’

A man from Somalia, reported to be 112 years old, has married a 17-year-old village girl. The newlywed wife admits she’s young, but every night she feels old age creeping up on her. — Ira Lawson

A new report claims the C.I.A. has been paying the brother of Afghan President Karzai for several years. Turns out he owns a coffee stand outside Quantico. — Todd Long

A Wisconsin man who failed a Breathalyzer test blamed it on the Jack Daniels in the steak sauce he put on his T-bone the night before. If you need that much steak sauce, skip one AA meeting and go find a new butcher. — Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas

I thought President Bush already was a motivational speaker. He motivated a majority of people to vote for Obama. — Mark Lebow

Matthew Mitnitsky, owner of Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord, said Sunday that a 222.5-pound meatball was authenticated as the world’s largest after being weighed by state weights and measures officials. After that, he celebrated by singing the Bertolli theme song because nobody was there to eat it.

A woman who was once a writer for David Letterman has written an article in which she claims sexual favoritism on his show created a hostile work environment for women. I think we’ve already established that.

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh warned in a TV interview of unprecedented “radical leadership” in the White House and called President Barack Obama a narcissist who is “immature, inexperienced, and in over his head.” That’s the pot calling the kettle black right there!

During a recent San Antonio Spurts game, a bat flew around the court before Spurs player Manu Ginobili knocked it out of the air with his bare hand. He’s hoping to be invited to the White House to play President Obama in a game of one-on-one fly-catching.

The world’s largest cruise ship, the Oasis of the Seas, is on its maiden voyage from Helsinki to Florida. The ship holds 6300 passengers and is 20 stories high, although it drops to 10 stories once the buffet is served.

According to a new Fox News poll. 58 percent of those surveyed say former President George W. Bush is responsible for the current state of the economy. That same number also said the Bush is responsible of the current state of Fox News.

In a recent speech, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said President Obama is an enemy of capitalism. This scared his brother George W. because he can’t send an email without capitals.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton went to Morocco to meet with Arab leaders to discuss Middle East peace. This makes her the highest-ranking American woman to visit Morocco since Bob Hope and Bing Crosby went there with Dorothy Lamour.

Prime-time newcomer Jay Leno says he would have rather stayed put at “The Tonight Show” — and if NBC offered him that job again, he’d take it. He wants to make sure his loyal fans are asleep while he embarrasses himself.

A Philadelphia newspaper has apologized to readers for mistakenly running an ad congratulating the Philadelphia Phillies on winning back-to-back World Series titles. Look, if you thought the Phillies won the World Series because of a newspaper article, get a TV and actually watch it.

Michigan officials announced that the state’s official Christmas tree will be a 63-foot spruce from the Upper Peninsula. And those low hanging branches won’t be any problem because we all know Santa won’t be putting much under that tree this year.

President Obama congratulated Afghan President Hamid Karzai on his re-election, and then said, “This has to be a point in time in which we start to write a new chapter.” And Sarah Palin said, “New chapter? Hey, lookee here, I got a whole BOOK!”

In Egypt, there is heated debate over whether women should be required to wear a face veil, known as a niqab, which only reveals her eyes. Some fundamentalists want to go a step further and have one of her eyes covered so men can’t tell if the woman is blinking or winking.

Al Gore is on the cover of the next Newsweek, with a green apple over his head and the caption: “The Thinking Man’s Thinking Man.” Sadly, he’s thinking, “Where can I get me a giant plate of onion rings?”

The New York Yankees called for a first ever instant replay in a World Series game on Saturday night, after A-Rod’s double hit a TV camera and was later ruled a homer. Later that night in his hotel room with Kate Hudson, A-Rod went to the video replay several times.

Senior White House adviser David Axelrod admitted that the administration “over-promised” its ability to deliver the swine flu-vaccine, but they will catch up to the demand within a week or so. “Over-Promise, Under-Deliver”; and you thought “Mission Accomplished” made you sick!

Harvard University will offer a sociology class based on a TV show: HBO’s show “The Wire.” And, Harvard will collect past-due tuition payments based on practices seen on HBO’s “The Sopranos”.

Tuesday is Election Day, with Governor’s races in New Jersey and Virginia. The fact that elderly men are hard of hearing makes this a big day for the people making Viagra.

President Obama played a two-hour basketball game on Saturday morning in Washington D.C. Sen. Arlen Specter was there. Arlen Specter is proof there is no truth to the old adage that “white men can’t jump…ship”.

Abdullah Abdullah quit next week’s runoff election against President Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan over concerns of fraud. He also had money concerns; his campaign account was with his investment adviser Madoff Madoff.

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama handed out M&Ms and dried fruit mixes to more than 2,000 trick-or-treaters on their first Halloween in the White House. All night long the Secret Service agents were swapping costumes and ringing the damn bell.

Taking a break from her visit to the Middle East, Hillary Clinton dropped into Abu Dhabi and toured the pits prior to the start of the Grand Prix. Security was high but the only incident happened when the Ferrari pit crew rushed out and tried to change her spare tire.

Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was declared the winner of that nation’s runoff election after his opponent dropped out of the race. It’s nice to see a country have a corrupt election without having to get the Supreme Court involved.

Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was declared the winner of that nation’s runoff election after his opponent dropped out of the race. Abdullah Abdullah pulled out after finding out the Election Commission was planning to split his votes between two guys named Abdullah and Abdullah.

According to the newly released transcript, Dick Cheney said “I don’t recall” 72 times when the FBI questioned him on the Valerie Plame affair. At one point the FBI even brought in a doctor to check Cheney’s pacemaker to see if it was stuck.

Nintendo reported that sales of the Wii worldwide fell 43% in the six months ended Sept. 30. Nintendo executives blame it on the fact that none of the new health care reform plans cover Wii elbow.

A new survey found that 23 U.S. private college presidents earned over $1 million in pay and benefits last year. Or, as the football coaches at the schools call it, chump change.

Elton John has canceled several upcoming concert dates due to the flu and an E.coli bacterial infection. It’s so bad, the only songs Elton has been singing lately are “Toss It Man” and “The Barf is Back.”

A Broadway revival of Neil Simon’s “Brighton Beach Memoirs” closed after one week due to poor ticket sales. Neil is now working on an update of “Chapter Two” called “Chapter 11.”

The 6th annual Denver Gorilla Run set a record for most people in one location dressed in gorilla suits with 1,061 participants. The number would have been higher but they had to disqualify a couple of really hairy nudists.

Nutritionists want Kellogg to stop advertising that Cocoa Krispies cereal will boost their children’s immune systems. They found that the only thing this cereal boosts is the number of sugar-loaded kids running around yelling “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”

Pilots for Southwest Airlines have approved a 5-year labor contract with the carrier. The contract includes pay increases, more benefits and equipping every plane with a giant horn that sounds when they’re close to the airport.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord, New Hampshire, broke the world meatball record with a 222.5-pound meatball. Then they stuck a toothpick in it and broke the record for the world’s largest Swedish meatball.

Harvard announced it will offer a course on “The Wire,” the Emmy Award-winning HBO series. If students are that interested in a show that few people actually watched, Harvard should devote an entire department to NBC.

Chris Christie, the Republican candidate for governor of New Jersey, is in trouble for using clips from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” without getting permission. The Pythons are trying to decide whether to sue Christie or make him sing “The Lumberjack Song.”

Laura Rickets, one of the new owners of the Chicago Cubs, is the first openly gay owner of a major league team. Cubs fans are demanding to know if she plans to replace Cracker Jacks with Cracker Jills or hot dogs with pies.

A Vermont slaughterhouse was ordered closed for the inhumane treatment of calves. Violations included kicking the calves, shocking them and forcing them to watch the entire “This Is It” movie.

Climate experts say the snows of Kilimanjaro are almost gone from the mountain made famous by Ernest Hemingway. If On the positive side, the melted icecap means there’s no chance of a disappearance of the old man and the sea.

According to a new study, nearly half of all U.S. children will be on food stamps at some point during childhood. The other half will be getting wedgies until they turn over their Twinkies and Lunchables.

Bill Gates celebrated his 54th birthday getting serenaded by Bono at a U2 concert in Vancouver. In a touching tribute, Bono changed the line “You look like a monkey” to “You look like Steve Jobs.”

President Obama officially endorsed President Hamid Karzai as the “legitimate” leader of Afghanistan. Karzai thanked Obama by sending him the traditional Afghan gifts of an Afghan blanket, an Afghan hound and a kilo of Afghan heroin.

The Discovery Channel has signed Oprah Winfrey to host an 11-part series called “Life.” In one episode, Oprah will visit a Star Trek convention and run around yelling “You get a life! You get a life! Everybody gets a life!”

American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert has split up with his longtime boyfriend Drake LaBry. It’s the usual irreconcilable differences. Adam wanted some space and Drake wanted him to stop licking his Adam Seacrest poster.

Oxygen Media is bringing its popular weight loss/dance competition series “Dance Your Ass Off” back for a second season. They’re also negotiating with Kirstie Alley, John Goodman and Rosie O’Donnell to compete on “Dancing With The Fat-Ass Stars.”

Film star Dakota Fanning was crowned homecoming princess by her North Hollywood high school, Campbell Hall Episcopal High. When asked what her best asset is, boys at the school were evenly split between North Dakota and South Dakota.

Crazy Coffins, a British company specializing in custom coffins, says the hot new funeral trend is caskets shaped like beer bottles, cell phones and other objects. The most popular cell phone model is the one that has a call from the Grim Reaper on hold.

In an attempt to salvage their poor season, the Cleveland Browns fired General Manager George Kokinis. You know you’re doing a bad job as GM when your team replaces you with a Magic 8-Ball.

Researchers say they’ve found a possible cure for priapism, a condition that causes spontaneous long-lasting erections lasting at least four hours. Unfortunately, they’ve been unable to find a sufferer who wants to get rid of it.

A former employee of Lea and Perrins has found what may be the original 150-year old recipe for Worcestershire sauce. The recipe mysteriously disappeared when Lea & Perrins unveiled its worst product idea ever, New Worcestershire sauce.

Warren Buffett has agreed to buy Burlington Northern, the nation’s second-largest railroad. This is what happens when Bill Gates is unavailable for bridge and Warren plays Monopoly instead.

Stanley Tool Works has announced plans to buy Black & Decker, with the merged entity to be called “Stanley Black & Decker.” A late-night television infomercial blitz is planned to reposition the new name from power tools and coffeemakers into DWI defense and no-fault divorce.

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A note to readers: This post is the last for the Laugh Lines blog, started three years ago as a place for amusing stuff on the Web, curated to the sensibilities of Times readers. The blog’s end is a function of the reality of limited resources in a medium where any number of worthy experiments are possible, but all can’t be sustained.Rest assured, our regular, outside feed of editorial cartoons will remain available via links on The New York Times home page and the Crosswords & Games and Week in Review section fronts. Thanks to our loyal readers and contributors, and regrets. — The editorsRead more…

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