I don't think that's how you spell "wiener" or "cleaner", but I'm willing to overlook the mistake on account of the fact that my penis has been bugging me for its own soap ever since it got the wrong end of a bar I used to wash up my arms and neck after a bottle of Sriracha exploded on me. So Weener Kleener it is.

Shaped like a donut for both easy and pleasurable use, the Weener Kleener ring identifies itself as One Size Fits Most. Uh, could we get a slightly more precise unit of measurement, please? Is the diameter 1", is it 4"? Because the last thing I want to do is spend $6 on a means of sanitizing and exciting my manhood, only to discover upon its arrival that I also have to spend 20 minutes whittling its interior ring to accommodate my formidable girth.

And I mean very NSFW. I mean, it's not like I came across* these 10 images I can't believe are allowed on Amazon because I was searching for porn, boobies, or sex toys on Amazon. I was just minding my own business, perusing...

All the talk of building a prison body during quarantine made me seek out this penis weight set. Because while you can certainly do pushups, pullups, chinups, dips, and squats like a convicted felon, it's gonna be real...

While we normally think of the kraken as wielding tentacles of asphyxiation and death, what if in fact the giant squid is all about pleasure? What if his tentacles, as they appear willing and able to do in this male vibrator...

Money Soap! What a genius way to give your favorite graduate or birthday kid the cash they crave, without neglecting your duty as a parent / mentor / naggy Aunt Jan to remind them to wash their hands...

One thing I don't like the looks of is this K-fit Kegel Toner for Men. Part 1 of my instinct to slowly back away is, of course, the "probe," which may not go up my pee hole, but is definitely going somewhere uncomfortable...

Mystery Vibes' Tenuto is the sexy toy company's first wearable vibrator for men, and the next in what appears to be a growing market. Though nowhere near as prevalent as vibrators for ladies, male vibrators just keep...

Sex toy, trophy for a dude who's a real T-Rex in the bedroom, (literal) gag gift, the 3D Printed Dickasaurus will serve you well as any of these. But me, I bought a 3D Printed Dickasaurus to leave anonymously for my boss...

And if you're not into your privates on a pendant, Musch Musch will also hand make (hand job?) photos of your very own penis, vagina, boobies, or butthole into a bracelet, a mug, or, for the ultimate dick pic, a 3D piece...

A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee...

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...