[Takes place in Roy and Janet’s bedroom. King size bed, modern but nondescript furniture and bedding. ROY and JANET are both in bed, both with a sheen of sweat. They are both sitting up with their back on the headboard, Roy in boxer shorts and Janet in a negligée.]

ROY

That was…wow.

JANET

I know. That was incredible. You made me come three times. That hasn’t happened since [pause, JANET looks down and then continues] well, it’s been a while. Good job, honey. Wow.

ROY

Well thank you, ma’am. You were something else yourself. I think you broke something on me but I’m not complaining.

JANET

If I did, it needed to be broken. [Reaches over to her nightstand, grabs at nothing] Hey stud, can you go get me a glass of water? I need to replenish.

ROY

You got it baby. [Stands up on the bed] Want anything else while I’m up?

JANET

Ha ha, not yet, lover. Not yet, but soon.

ROY

Yeah, give me some time to recover too. I’m not young anymore.

JANET

That’s OK, I need to rest for a bit too. Now go get that water before I dry up.

ROY

On my way. [Exits stage left.]

SCENE 2

[Takes place in the kitchen. Modern fridge, elevated dining room table with four chairs. ROY walks in from stage right past the table to the fridge to grab a bottled water. CONROY is sitting in a dining table chair with his back to the wall, ROY doesn’t notice him until he walks by him on the way back to the bedroom (Stage right, where he entered) and then he starts. CONROY is dressed in a ratty robe, open, and slightly dirty boxer shorts.]

ROY

What the…what the hell? [Fumbles the bottled water and then catches it.]

CONROY

‘ello, mate. Nice romp there for ya, eh? Eh? She was a fookin’ tiger, am I right? [Scoots his chair out, leans back, sticks a hand in the waistband of his boxers.]

ROY

What the fuck are you doing there? How’d you get in here? What…

CONROY

Come now, mate, you know why I’m here then. You let me in. You wanted me here. I showed you what to do with ‘er and you did it, right good. Bitch hasn’t had a rogering like that since before she met you. Wanna know who it was with? I know.

ROY

No, I don’t wanna know. No. Wait…what do you mean you know who it was? It wasn’t me? [Pulls out a chair, sits down, sets down the bottle of water.]

CONROY

Ah mate, come on, you know. Fella she was with afore you. Big burly guy, you remember. Handsome devil, he was. Hung like donkey, he was. I mean, we’re…I mean you’re not bad down there an’ all but that guy. Yeah. Must have been difficult for him to sit down. Eh?

ROY

Whatever, I’m not jealous of him. He was a Neanderthal. And, I’m good for her, she’s happy with me.

No, no, you’re not gonna do this to me, I’m not gonna fall for it. She’s good with me.

CONROY

Right you are mate, for sure. You’re all she ever wanted and most of what she needs. But hey, what do I know, right? I mean, I only showed you how to take care of her tonight and she’s only in there half knocked out from pleasure. Whadda I know?

[From offstage, JANET shouts]

JANET

Hey, where’s that water? Did you pass out or something?

CONROY

[Whispers to ROY] Let me take this one, mate. Trust me. [Yells offstage to JANET, in a voice that sounds exactly like ROY] Coming dear, just a minute. [Takes another long drag on the cigarette, winks at ROY.] Whadda ya say, buddy? I can tell you all about it, and I can tell you how to make her forget him. She still thinks about him sometimes, ya know. When you’re having problems, and only flying at half-mast, so to speak. Eh? I can make you make her forget him. One-time offer though, and it’s about to expire.

ROY

No. No, just no, okay? I’m not falling for this. Yeah, we did good this time but I’m not gonna push it. She’s good right now. She doesn’t need anything else.

CONROY

Right you are then. She’s good. She’s not even thinking about him right now while she’s waiting for you to get back. [Takes another long drag on the cigarette and stubs it out on the tabletop.]

Right then, that’s a man. But if you want my help you gotta be specific. I wannna hear it from you. How what?

ROY

[Puts his head in his hands, rests elbows on the table. Looks back up at CONROY.] How do I make her forget about…him?

CONROY

Ah, that’s my mate. Right good then, it is. How do you make her forget the last guy? It’s easy then. There’s actually a few ways to do it. One, get her to do a threesome. She really wants you to do that, be a man and take charge. Tell her it’s gonna happen.

ROY

What? Come on, man. That’s crazy. She’s not into women. I know she isn’t. She’d have told me or something.

CONROY

Right mate, I was pulling your leg. She’d up and slap you if you tried that shit with her. Good man, your head’s in the game. OK, seriously then. She wants you to take the dirt road with her. Know what I’m getting at? The dirt road?

ROY

What are you talking about? [Pause] Oh, oh no. Not that, no she doesn’t. I tried that before. Twice. Remember? It didn’t work and she was pissed.

CONROY

Don’t trust me then, mate. It’s up to you. But if you don’t believe that, there’s one other way. One other way for sure.

ROY

What is it? You’d better not be fucking with me or you won’t be back for a while. I know you hate that. Tell me the truth, goddammit.

CONROY

Ah, that’s my lad, that’s me lad for sure. There’s some of the fire you need. But you should know, I don’t show up when you want me to, I show up when I want to. You don’t own me. But yeah, the way. The way to make her to forget about Big-Dick Jimmie. How do I say this? Let’s see…she wants you to get rough with her. Really rough, mate. Smack her around a bit. Take charge, piss in the corner, mark your territory. She wants you to show you that she’s yours. Do it. Take fucking charge.

ROY

That’s…no way, that’s not possible. That’s…hmm.

CONROY

Right, you know it’s true. Deep down in our heart you know it. Get rough with her. Take it out on her. Put her in her place, mate. She wants it, she needs it.

JANET

[Yells from offstage] Where’s that water? Come on? Are you still awake?

ROY

Just a second, honey.

CONROY

[Mimics Roy in a quiet voice] Just a second, honey. [Normal voice, snorts.] You’re so whipped, mate. You’re a pussy. You couldn’t do it even if you wanted to, which you do.

ROY

I’m not falling for that shit, I’m not. [Gets up, pushes the chair in and grabs the water. Walks to stage right and exits.]. No fucking way, I’m not.

[CONROY smiles a broad smile and disappears.]

SCENE 3

[Takes place back in the bedroom. ROY enters from stage left. JANET is on the bed in the same position she was when ROY left. The television is on and the remote is in her hand.]

JANET

About time you got back here. Give me that. I’m about to dry up here.

ROY

Damn, take it easy. Here you go. [Hands the water to JANET. She takes a long drink, puts the cap back on, and puts the bottle on her nightstand.]

JANET

Finally.

ROY

[Pause] What? [Tilts his head at an angle, moves right next to JANET.} What did you say? Did I fucking make you wait too long then? [Towers over JANET, who shrinks down a little.]

JANET

What? What are you talking about? Chill out, it’s OK. I was just thirsty.

ROY

Chill out? Chill out, eh? How about this to chill out? [Slaps JANET in the face, hard enough to make her head turn.] Why don’t you chill out, and then get over here and blow me, bitch.

JANET

What the hell are you doing, asshole? What was that for? [Cowers, pulls the comforter up to her chin.] Get out of here. What happened to you?

[CONROY pops into the scene on ROY’S side of the bed. JANET can’t hear him. CONROY rubs his hands together.]

CONROY

Oh yes, that’s it. Keep it going, mate. Keep it going. She’s getting as damp as a swamp on a summer day.

ROY

Shut up bitch. Get over here and suck my cock before I give you another one.

JANET

What is this, some sick game or something? What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you doing?

CONROY

You know what you’re doing. Don’t stop now, she’s on the edge. She’s almost forgotten that other cock she used to ride.

[ROY gets on the bed and slaps JANET again.]

ROY

That’s what you want, isn’t it? You dirty bitch, you know you like it. Now start sucking me.

CONROY

Ahhh, that’s good mate. She’s yours.

[JANET throws off the comforter and jumps out of bed. She opens the drawer on her nightstand and rummages in it, looking at ROY the whole time. She finally grabs a large dildo and holds it in front of her.]

JANET

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you but if you don’t get out of here right now I’m gonna shove this thing up your ass and break it off. I swear, I’ll do it. Get out. Now.

ROY

What? What the hell are you talking about? You know you want this.

CONROY

Don’t give up now mate. You have her. Don’t quit.

JANET

I don’t know what got into you, Roy, but whatever it is you need to take it and get out of here. Nobody does that to me, not even you. Get. Out.

No. Just get out. Get out, asshole. I don’t want to see you anymore. Get out. [JANET holds the dildo at arm’s length on front of her, between her and Roy.]

ROY

I don’t…wait a minute. What? Out?

JANET

[Screams] Get the fuck out, asshole.

[ROY hesitates and then exits stage left. JANET slams the door shut behind him and then gets into bed and starts crying.]

SCENE FOUR

[ROY walks into the kitchen from stage right. CONROY is sitting in the same chair he was in before, smoking another cigarette. His robe is off, in a pile on the floor. He looks disappointed. Roy pulls out the same chair he was sitting in before and sits down.]

CONROY

What the fuck was that then, mate? You had her and you let her go. You were so close.

ROY

Just shut the fuck up, ok? Shut up. You saw that. You saw how she was. I scared the shit out of her. I’m done. There’s no way she’ll forgive me. We’re done and it’s all because of you, you asshole.

CONROY

Because of me then? Right, OK. You know you wanted to do this, I just gave you permission. You fookin’ nancy.

ROY

No I didn’t. I did it because you said it’d make her forget that other guy.

CONROY

And it worked, didn’t it? She’s forgotten all about him now. Trust me on that, mate.

[JANET enters from stage right. She’s dressed in wrinkled clothes. She doesn’t look at ROY as she passes him by.]

JANET

Good bye, Roy. Don’t call me.

[JANET exits stage left. There is the sound of a door slamming shut.]

CONROY

And there it is, my boy. She has forgotten all about old Big Dick now. Completely out of her mind, he is.

ROY

You fucking…you fucking asshole.

[ROY jumps up from his chair, knocking it over. He reaches for CONROY as if to strangle him. CONROY disappears.]

[The sound of CONROY’s laughter is heard, and it slowly fades. ROY looks around the kitchen and then sits back down in CONROY’S chair. He lights up the end of the cigarette CONROY was smoking. ROY puts his head in his hands and then slumps down on the table, cigarette between his fingers. It burns down to his fingers, making him cry out. He flicks the cigarette into the sink.]