Washington, DC (October 16, 2014) – The Ebola outbreak has the white house pulling out all stops to stop the virus in its tracks. Effective immediately, all passenger on any domestic US flight who looks like they might potentially lie to TSA airport screeners about having the deadly Ebola virus will now be asked to drop their pants and submit to a rectal thermometer. Although the Ebola virus symptoms become alarming when a person has a temperature of 101.5, any travelling passenger with a fever of 87.9 will not be allowed to board any commercial airline. The unprecedented request was part of President Obama’s all hands on deck approach to curb the deadly virus.

“If we need to inconvenience and embarrass a few million travelers, then that is what we need to do. We all must sacrifice,” stated President Obama. “Look, it’s just not the everyday folks who must suffer. I had to cancel two fundraising trips because of this Ebola crap.”

So far, one person has died from the deadly virus in the United States, but several others have contracted the disease and are currently quarantined. The patients are being treated at different US hospitals, under the lack-luster, watchful eye of the Center for Disease Control.