Women who feel naked without their lipstick are well over thirty.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Every Day In My Job, I See Something New

I'm dealing with the most crazy situation ever right now.

We filed a lawsuit, defendants filed the usual counterclaims, blah, blah, blah....after a whole lot of time (years) and nonsense (special master stuff), the defendants threw out a Rule 68 offer of judgment for a certain amount of money, and our client decided he wanted to accept, for various reasons. I believe this totally threw the defendants for a loop. They were not expecting this acceptance. So, we filed it with the Judge, Judge closed the case, etc.

A few weeks later, defendants file a motion to reopen the case, arguing that some of their counterclaims were still in play. I can't share the details about why, but they left themselves somewhat open, but not really. We've offered covenants not to sue, but it's not enough for them. They want to reopen the case, declare the patents invalid, after all has been said and done, and they've paid our client. They want a superbroad covenant not to sue, which they aren't going to get, nor do we have to under Super Sack. They offered what they offered, our client took it, and what's done is done. They never thought our client would accept their offer of judgment, but surprise, surprise, our client did. So they are arguing this ridiculous -- absurd and ludicrous -- theory on one of their counterclaims (not a DJ invalidity), and I'm briefing the issue right now and having some trouble articulating how absolutely insane their theory is without possibly getting myself sanctioned and calling them complete idiots in the process. I truly wish I could talk freely about what their claim is, but I don't feel like I can, even though it is all public in the dockets.

My sole goal in this briefing is to get across -- very professionally -- that these lawyers tried to pull a fast one on us, we trumped them, and now they are running fast to try and cover themselves with their client. Luckily, we have a smart judge, who will hear this argument in early July. I hope he rips them a new one, because if those goes on much further, I am going to file a motion for sanctions for my time and expenses on their reopening the case like this. Frankly, their client should fire them. They filed four motions for summary judgment and lost them all. They are a big firm who is billing, billing, billing, always on crazy ass theories, and their client has seen nothing good out of it. We have won every single motion they have filed over the past three years. Big companies are so dumb the way they immediately go for the big firm to cover themselves with the shareholders. Meanwhile, my medium sized firm is kicking the shit out of them, and has been for years. I can't even convey how absurd the theory they are arguing is. It's so absurd I can't even find a case that is remotely close. No good lawyers make this argument. None. I'm going to have to have someone less angry about it than me read my brief to make sure I'm not being too sarcastic and snarky about their position before I file it. Jesus, I hate lawyers.