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Trump wants to open US Embassy on Love Island

Despite saying Theresa May’s Brexit plans make a trade deal with the US difficult, President Donald Trump has said he wants to open diplomatic relations and make a trade deal with Love Island.

Trump, who saw the inexplicably popular ITV programme for the first time on his trip to UK, has voiced his support the show. “I saw this thing last night, and it was great, I mean really great,” he said. “It was called Love Island. I loved it, truly loved it. I was astounded to find out that previous administrations had not opened a US embassy there. I mean that’s bad, truly bad.

“The US needs to have connections with these people. They are young and attractive. I mean, wow! Are they attractive! They are so attractive I’ll probably have to appoint my daughter Ivanka as ambassador, because, y’know, she is attractive too. Very attractive. She’d fit right in.”

He added that the people of the UK could learn something from Love Island. “These people have left the UK to establish an independent island,” he said. “They have done so spectacularly well. I would love to trade with them – especially the one with the blonde hair. Boy, I’d trade with her anytime.”

However the contestants on Love Island looked less keen on the idea. Speaking from beside the pool young Hayley was heard to whisper ‘Trump is quintessentially the modern personification of the patriarchy, as defined in the writings of Greer, de Beauvoir and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. The epitome of mysoginy and white male privilege, his very existence perpetuates oppression by gender, race and economic status. Oh, and he’s a pig-ugly bastard an’ all.’