Crystal Harris and her new husband Hugh Hefner actually want kids. Yes, that Hugh Hefner. The one who was born two years before bubble gum was invented in 1928. In unrelated news, Viagra stock just shot up 800%. From UK tabloid The Daily Star:

At the grand old age of 86 Hugh Hefner still wants to impregnate woman. Well, one woman to be precise - his 26-year-old new bride Crystal Harris. Despite their 60-year age gap, Hugh married British model Crystal in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion in Hollywood on New Year's Eve. And now the Playboy mogul, estimated to be worth $80 million, told friends he wants to become a father one last time.

Our LA insider revealed: "Crystal's desperate to have Hugh's baby. She thinks it would be the most beautiful way imaginable to show him how much she really loves him. Hef is insisting he's still man enough for the job, telling family and friends at the wedding he's still up for it. He wants to show the world that age shouldn't stop you doing anything."

Hey guys, do you feel that? Those aren't ants tickling your neck and back -- what you're feeling is your skin crawling from the image of old man Hef whipping out his wrinkly beef jerky stick much to the horror of his gold-digging baby momma in training. There's not enough Viagra and tranny porn in the world that'll get Hef's waterlogged linguini dick hard enough to mush into the loosest of skanky Playboy pussy, let alone deliver a viable load into it. Maybe Crystal should swab a load off the floor during the next Mansion orgy and fill a turkey baster with it -- it's not as if Hugh will even be around to raise the lil' money shot. Enjoy your lunch, friends.