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07 September 2013

About face, turn, march

Time to walk my talk......

This job, the hours and the effect it is having on everyone around me is not beneficial, the money is not enough to justify the destruction of all we have built in our family. My husband is lonely, even though I am only in the other room, me misses my presence next to him. My little one is acting out horribly, not because of anything other than everyone's insistence that even though he knows I am right there he cannot go and see me. When he does manage to break through their attempts to keep him away his cheeks are wet with tears. He is not a spoiled child, this is not him being demanding. This is my little man and he has always been this way, when he is upset it is his mom he wants, no other, and keeping him away is just not something he tolerates well. My eldest son he tries to hold it all together, but he is facing his own issues and challenges. How he gets up everyday and has a smile on his face as he deals with all the uncertainties of the brain tumour and how it has affected every aspect of his life, from the most intimate of details to the most mundane is amazing. His chosen career now not really a viable path for him he faces retraining, a sense of smell is something a chef really needs. Yet he keeps his chin up, helps us all and keeps going, what a lesson for the rest of us he is.

I carry this and so much more with me everyday, when I sit at that desk ready to take calls, deal with everyone's issues, until this week; I sat at that desk, I got ready and I started all my programs, then the messaging system popped up and I suddenly felt ill, nauseated then I just kind of blacked out, suddenly gone, my mind was there but wouldn't cooperate, just blankness, darkness and void of thought I sat. About 40 minutes or so later I realized that something strange had happened, terrified me, and I was forced to tell them I could not work that day......not the next either and today here I sit in the doctor's office waiting to hear what she has to say.......as my phone suddenly goes off, it's my husband. Disapproving looks all around from all the older women sitting around me, yes I am almost 50, no I don't look it and I refuse to fall into the trap of polyester and disapproving grandmotherly looks from some other time. I am me and as I stop the AC/DC "Let me put my love into you" I hear one lone chuckle of another person in the room that understands the long nosed looks, and for pete's sake what do they have to blush about? its my phone! Yes that's me, age or not, as unconventional as humanly possible.

As much as we need the money, as much as I try I cannot fit myself into those neat little boxes. Thankfully my doctor feels the same way, so under doctor's orders (which definitely helps with those feelings of guilt) I have been told that I need a time off and meds to deal with the tremendous amount of stress and pressure I am under....her plan is to revisit this in a month's time.

That was yesterday, the tension in the home has already dropped. The energy has changed, behavioural issues seeming to vanish. Pretty sure my choice is becoming very clear. Time for this witch to get back to witchery, greenery and creating, my art and my life. Time to do what I do best, nurture, my guides, me, my family, my life.

I leave you with this quote, it is part of a section of the book I am working on.....and it was the turning point in this decision.....

"Measure your success not by the car you drive, or the number in your bank account but rather by the heart that fills with love, shares generously and gives because it loves to do so, not with expectation but just because."

2 comments:

I know how hard the choice can be as to whether or not to keep chuggin along at a job that is putting stress on your home. Some people scoff and say, "DUH! It's not hard.", but those people aren't us, don't live our lives and don't understand out financial situations.

Even so, there's something to their answer. Family, love and happiness come first. And though it is hard and you will struggle for a bit, I think you know what you need to do. I've been there too and let me tell you, going without things and extra money to have that tension and misery out of my life.