Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Two women were arrested for brawling at an IHOP in Memphis.
People said the women must have been from outside the area. If they wanted to
fight at breakfast, there was a perfectly good Waffle House located right down
the street.

A report says mass hysteria caused a stampede at a New York
City subway station. Obviously the report was written by someone who has never
been to a New York City subway station during Tuesday rush hour.

A report says mass hysteria caused a stampede at a New York
City subway station. There hasn’t been that much of a commotion at a Subway
since Jared Fogle was tipped off to the FBI.

A report says 86% of the women taking the Marines combat
fitness test failed. The only problem is that most the men taking the test
think they can pass only because their training program consisted of playing
three straight weeks of “Call of Duty.”

A tourism expert says hunting humans will be a big business
for the super rich in the next 100 years. Apparently they would realize it is
already happening if they would book a trip sometime to Chicago.

A tourism expert says hunting humans will be a big business
for the super rich in the next 100 years. Which means once the world’s lion
population is gone, make sure to not make any teeth cleaning appointments with
that dentist in Minnesota.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says there is “considerable
uncertainty” in the outlook for the U.S. economy. It’s too bad she isn’t in
some sort of position to do something about it like being in complete control
of the monetary flow of the entire nation.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says there is “considerable
uncertainty” in the outlook for the U.S. economy. At least we are consistent.
The only thing that has been certain about the economy since 2008 is its
uncertainty.

Scientists say they are working on meat that can be
manufactured without coming from any animals. To which McDonald’s says that
idea has been around for years. It’s called their “menu.”

Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump’s economic plan,
saying Alexander Hamilton“would be
rolling over in his grave.” That shows how much she knows. Apparently she isn’t
aware that Hamilton is still singing and dancing twice a night on Broadway.

China is being criticized for holding an annual dog meat
eating festival. Even Taco Bell is telling the people there they need to draw
the line somewhere.

China is being criticized for holding an annual dog meat
eating festival. Apparently it’s a tradition that was started years ago by
members of their postal workers union.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says the Fed is not ready for
another recession. Which wouldn’t be the case if they had actually done
something to end the last one.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says the Fed is not ready for
another recession. To which everyone is asking “When did we get out of the last
one?”

Chris Christie is proposing equal funding for all students
in New Jersey schools. There obviously needs to be something done when the most
successful people to come out of the New Jersey school system are the cast
members of “Jersey Shore.”

A poll says voters favor Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton
when it comes to the economy. When it comes to handling the nation’s money,
they trust someone who personally runs his businesses into bankruptcy instead
of getting paid millions of dollars in speaking fees to just talk about it.

An analysis says that Donald Trump’s tax and spend plan
would triple the interest rate and add $14 Trillion to the national debt. In
other words, his policy is to pretty much stay the course.

Some NFL teams are trying to eliminate fumbles by using
practice balls that beep when they are held correctly. Now all the teams
playing New England need to do is come up with a ball that sends an alarm when
someone lets all the air out.

Chick-fil-A has been rated the nation’s favorite fast food
chain restaurant, beating out Papa John’s, Little Caesar’s, Arby’s and
McDonald’s. The sad part is that people could name all those restaurants but
had no idea who was running against each other in the presidential primaries.

A survey says 66 Million Americans have no emergency
savings. Unless it is taken into consideration that those people are in
emergency status every month trying to find the money to pay the mortgage, car
payment and credit card bill.

The FAA is giving the go ahead to commercial drone use.
Apparently they thought they would move onto something new after failing
miserably with the airlines, the TSA and the Air Traffic Controllers.

Some Starbucks customers are reportedly considering seeking
damages from lattes that were served only 75% full. Plaintiffs are asking for a
refund for the 25% they missed out on, which works out to around $15 a cup.

A study says that nearly 10 Million Americans are severely
nearsighted. Which finally explains why so many people actually signed those
subprime mortgage contracts with Countrywide.

A study says that
nearly 10 Million Americans are severely nearsighted. Which finally explains how
Bruce Willis achieved the status of sex symbol.

A study says that nearly 10 Million Americans are severely
nearsighted. Which would be much better news if there were more than a few
dozen positions available to be an NBA referee.

A study says most Americans are eating better now than in
1999, with diets more rich in nuts, seeds and yogurt. The problem is the only
time they eat those foods is when they are the ingredients in the newest
doughnut creation at Krispy Kreme.

A study says kids in some U.S. cities have dangerously high
blood lead levels. The worst part is the only way to really reduce the amount
of lead people have in their systems is to start making bullets jacket with
steel.

A study links being college educated with a higher risk of
brain tumors. Mostly because those people don’t seek treatments for their
headaches, assuming they are just from knowing they will spend the next 40
years paying off their tuition loans.

Kelly Osbourne is reportedly set to release her first memoir
in 2017. Hopefully that will give her another year to actually make some sort
of accomplishment that is worth anyone reading.

Kelly Osbourne is reportedly set to release her first memoir
in 2017. That has inspired her dad Ozzy to also write a memoir, just as soon as
he can remember anything that has ever happened any farther back than last Tuesday.

“This Old House” is set to take on and restore an older
residence in Detroit. The house has a historic designation as it is one of the
few homes built after 2003 that hasn’t been burned down yet.

The LP vinyl record is celebrating its creation 68 years ago
this week. The good news is that after it became obsolete, its mascots Snap,
Crackle and Pop were still able to find work as spokesmen for Rice Krispies.

The LP vinyl record is celebrating its creation 68 years ago
this week. People under 30 are still amazed by their parents’ stories about the
days when people actually had to pay to listen to their music.

Taylor Swift is taking on Youtube over copyright violations.
Apparently she became angry when it was revealed that she had lost most of her
clout in the industry because of much higher royalty fees paid out every month
to a cat playing the piano.

Vin Scully had to sit out calling a Dodger game this week
because of a sore throat. Apparently the 88 year old broadcasting legend
strained his vocal cords yelling at the neighborhood kids to “Get off my lawn!”
(Apologies to Vinny. This is pretty much blasphemy coming from a Dodger fan!)

A tattoo parlor in Ohio offered free Cavalier tattoos after
Cleveland won the NBA Championship Sunday. Recipients will now have a lifelong
souvenir of the Finals. They will also have the tattoo to show off every time
they get treated for their Hep C.

100 cars in a 90 minute span were caught running a stop sign
in a New Jersey neighborhood. Apparently the drivers felt they needed to keep
moving so the bodies in the trunk didn’t have enough time to stiffen up from
rigor mortis setting in.

A study says Millennials are not as glued to their
cellphones as those from Generation X. Mostly because it’s hard to get a good
connection when trying to get service into your parents’ basement.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says he wants to build a robot that does
housekeeping chores. Which means one day soon Arnold Schwarzenegger will
announce he is the father of a bouncing baby Roomba.

Facebook is reportedly paying $50 Million to media companies
and celebrities to make live videos. Finally, not having to wait until lunch to
see what everyone we care about was actually eating for breakfast.

Apple’s new Photos app is able to recognize seven different
facial expressions. Which for Donald Trump supporters will mean the full
spectrum of angry, resentful, outraged, irritable, incensed, inflamed and
infuriated.

Apple’s new Photos app is able to recognize seven different
facial expressions. The only problem for teenagers using their iPhone for
selfies is coming up with six other looks besides “duckface.”

Scientists say the Great Pyramid of Giza is 5 ½ inches off
center. The worst part is that 4,500 years ago the engineer in charge wasn’t
able to just grab a Snickers.

Instagram says it has reached 500 Million monthly users.
Which means special thanks go out to the Kardashian family for motivating
people to inundate the Internet with another half billion selfies every few
minutes.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t know much about Hillary
Clinton’s religion, questioning if she is really Christian. Apparently it all
has to do with all those Voodoo dolls resembling Bill that were found lying
around her home.

Iowa Representative Steve King wants Harriet Tubman’s
picture kept off the $20 Bill, saying he doesn’t want to change anything
because “we were happy” before. Apparently everything got all messed up the
minute we left the year 1955.

Iowa Representative Steve King wants Harriet Tubman’s
picture kept off the $20 Bill, saying he doesn’t want to change anything
because “we were happy” with Andrew Jackson. Which at least is the first time
anyone has been documented even hinting they might know anything about Andrew
Jackson.

Donald Trump has reportedly spent one fifth of all his
campaign money with companies he owns. The biggest problem with that was paying
for former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski to learn about public relations
at Trump University.

Donald Trump says he would be “very happy” to self fund his
campaign for President. The good news is that if he falls any farther behind in
the polls, his campaign will qualify for funding assistance from FEMA.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the election
that just keeps on giving. The only way this could get any better is if Hillary
wins so the country won’t collapse but she at least appoints Trump to a Cabinet
position just to keep him around for fun. The only way this could be any better
is if we still had Ross Perot around for another third party run. So while my
job looks to be pretty easy from here through November, it is still imperative
that you try to at least once in awhile keep me going by remembering to take
the time to send the love!