Calkins: "Happy" Birthday to Michael Jordan? Not likely

FILE - In this Oct. 31, 1997, file photo Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan (23) drives past Boston Celtics Ron Mercer (5) during an NBA basketball game in Boston. A Bismarck, N.D., man who used to own McDonald's restaurants is about $10,000 richer after selling a 20-year-old container of McJordan barbecue sauce Monday, Oct. 15, 2012, to a buyer in Chicago. The sauce was used on McJordan Burgers, named for basketball icon in limited markets for a short time in the 1990s, when Jordan led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships. (AP Photo/Stephan Savoia, file)
— AP

FILE - In this Oct. 31, 1997, file photo Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan (23) drives past Boston Celtics Ron Mercer (5) during an NBA basketball game in Boston. A Bismarck, N.D., man who used to own McDonald's restaurants is about $10,000 richer after selling a 20-year-old container of McJordan barbecue sauce Monday, Oct. 15, 2012, to a buyer in Chicago. The sauce was used on McJordan Burgers, named for basketball icon in limited markets for a short time in the 1990s, when Jordan led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships. (AP Photo/Stephan Savoia, file)
/ AP

This may seem difficult considering he stands 6-foot-6 and could supposedly defy gravity, but here’s some advice nonetheless: Don’t look up to Michael Jordan.

Admire the talent. Appreciate the accomplishments. But for God’s sake, don’t envy the man.

With MJ turning 50 Sunday, the question pervading the media perhaps more than any other is: Who would you rather have in his prime, Michael Jordan or LeBron James?

Me? I’d take Michael on the court. But I’d take LeBron everywhere else.

To rank James ahead of Jordan as a basketball player is to suffer from NBAmnesia. From 1986-1990, Michael averaged 37.1, 35.0, 32.5 and 33.6 points per game respectively, shot over 50 percent from the field in the latter three seasons, and had a year in which he averaged eight rebounds and eight assists. Then there were his next six full seasons in the league, where he kinda sorta won six NBA titles and six Finals MVP awards.

LeBron has scored at least 30 points in each of his past seven games? Please. Jordan averaged more than 30 points in eight straight seasons, tallied 33.4 points per game throughout his playoff career, and made first-team All Defense nine times.

At this point, hoops-wise at least, you just can’t put LeBron in the same sentence. As Michael.

But as any soon-to-be fiancé can tell you – jewelry is expensive. And Jordan paid his own kind of price for those six rings.

He would punch teammates in practice – Will Purdue and Steve Kerr being among those thumped. He would undress opponents on the court – yelling out his point total each time he scored a bucket.

Jordan’s need for winning was responsible for a serious lack of grinning. Yeah, you may have wanted to trade lives with him, but you wouldn’t have wanted to trade souls.

Would you really want to be like somebody who didn’t talk to North Carolina coach Roy Williams for several days after losing to him in pool? Are you comfortable idolizing a man who turned his Hall of Fame induction speech into an unfunny, unprompted roast of everybody he ever felt wronged him?

I look at LeBron and see a kid glowing as if he hired life as his personal assistant. I look at Jordan and see someone whose happiness is as fleeting as an ice cube in the Sahara.

ESPN’s Wright Thompson caught up with Michael recently and published a fabulous piece exploring the mentality of sports’ greatest competitor 15 years removed from his last championship. The story detailed MJ’s affection for his children, attachment to his late father, and adoration toward his fiancée, among other things. But it also depicted a man incapable of coping with an identity devoid of dominance.

At 50, he still fantasizes about returning to the court, saying he would give up everything to put a jersey on again. And his comments on today’s NBA are transparent, often petty attempts to protect his basketball legacy.

He said recently that Kobe Bryant is “one of the top 10 guards of all time,” which may sound like a compliment, but is kind of like saying that the Taj Mahal is “one of the top 10 houses in India.” But then he dismissed James as Kobe’s peer, pointing to Bryant’s championship total and saying “five is better than one” – a clear nod to his own ring count.

I can’t remember the last time LeBron called out a teammate publicly or dissed one of his NBA colleagues – unless said colleague struck first. But I did read that Jordan used to moo like a cow when overweight Bulls General Manager Jerry Krause would step on the team bus.

One night, I’ll see LeBron spontaneously tackle a fan who hit a half-court shot, and another, I’ll watch him play catch with a ticket-holder in the middle of the game. Did we ever see this kind of levity with Michael? Was a man whose talent brought so much delight to others ever able to feel similar joy himself?

Older generations’ favorite activity is to hark back to the good ol’ days, where players were tougher, the game was more physical, and “killers” like Jordan reigned supreme. But what guys like LeBron are showing us is that success and contentment aren’t mutually exclusive – that the world doesn’t have to be your enemy for the sport to be your friend.

Sunday, MJ turns 50, and seeing what he’s meant to the game, it’s only fair to wish him a happy birthday. Unfortunately, when you group the word “happy” with Jordan, wishing may be all you can do.