Not A Girl Not Yet a Woman…

Being a woman of the arts, I try and only follow my own blog to keep my view uninfluenced – plus I only try and garner hits for myself #duh. I may be privy to scamming Buzzfeed here and there but I sure as fuck will not be taking a quiz on which Disney Princess or Imported Cheese I would be anytime soon (at least not publicly #imaburrata). This morning I was drawn to a particular article I saw being shared like a mofucka all over my newsfeed. The article is called “10 Signs You’re Dating a Woman – Not a Girl” written by Paul Hudson. Articles like these are usually ALWAYS written by men and make women’s ovaries explode like fireworks on the 4th of July. Let’s keep shit real – unless you spend a week bleeding and cramping monthly, have had a brazilian bikini wax or spent one night out in a pair of 6-inch Louboutins it’s hard for me to take any man writing about the inner workings of the female psyche and reasoning seriously. Why do we wear 6 inch heels that make our feet bleed? Because they make our legs and ass look amazing and flats can only take you so far… fucking duh. I doubt any man understands this logic therefore I sure as shit don’t care you assessment on what differentiates a “girl” from a “woman. Here are the 10 “obvious giveaways” to tell the difference – because ALL women are just so one dimensional that we can all be classified by bullet points…

1. Girls like to dress in revealing clothes because they think they look sexy – women know they look sexy no matter what they wear. I mean… seriously? I wear revealing clothing when I want to feel sexy and confident. As far as I am concerned my boobs will never be perkier or my thigh gap wider so if I feel like wearing a skanky dress OR feel it’s socially acceptable to wear pajamas out and about who cares? Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. Shut up Paul.

2. Girls expect their men to know how they feel and what they’re thinking – women use their words. I believe in many situations silence speaks more words. This article is proof that you can use a thousand words and not really be saying anything of importance. Communication is a luxury, one that women excel at. Perhaps boys aren’t worthy of such gifts and therefore get the silent treatment.

3. Girls expect you to pay the tab – women are financially independent. You can be a female zygote and be financially independent. It’s called chivalry dumbass.

4. Girls go out and get wasted – women can hold their liquor and know their limits. You can mess with my revealing outfits, predict my finances but NOBODY puts baby on a liquor limit.

5. Girls can’t wait to update their Facebook status to “In a relationship” – women forget they have a Facebook. Perhaps you have never had a woman be proud enough to publicly declare your union? Really?

6. Girls watch junk TV – women read. OH NO HE DIDN’T. Pardon me? So know you are not a woman if you watch junk tv? We as human beings have a RIGHT to escape into the mindless world of reality television. If I want to do literary analysis of Edgar Allen Poe OR want to watch Teresa Giudice flip a table it ain’t nobodies business.

9. Girls stick to what they know – women are always searching to widen their horizons. I feel like this is an extension of the above “giveaway” I am sure women eating whatever the hell they want are definitely widening their horizons.

10. Girls need guardians – women don’t need anybody but themselves. So basically we should be alone, eating a rib eye, reading a history book, wearing a turtleneck and widening our horizons (whatever that means) and we can all be women – hear us roar bitches.

This is the dumbest shit I have ever read. Ladies… please stop posting articles like this. According to the author of this post, sharing this article actually makes you unwomanly because real woman don’t even have TIME for Facebook… ironic no?

I am not some feminist pioneer woman but I find it degrading and mostly just stupid that we would even define ourself as a real “woman” because we eat fucking salad and don’t update our Facebook page? Maybe a bitch just wants to get ready for bikini season and shamelessly stalk a sexy coworker? Pretty sure I have done both of these girl branding activitiesand according to my Rabbi, I have been a woman since 13… bitch.