Matters of the heart: Am I foolish to hold on to her after she…

I didn’t believe in love. I prayed against it…well, not to contradict myself, I never believed in ‘love’, I had seen
and been with people who thought they were ‘in love’ and nothing made me envy them, so I prayed in case there was indeed something called love! My sanity meant too much to me.

However, I never lacked a partner. I was always in one relationship or the other, neat relationships without
promises without lies and with no strings!
I was a gentleman in all my relationships because of my respect for women. I respect women.
Nothing has changed much, I am still the Man I was before I met Lucy, almost. I met her on a duty flight from
Akwa Ibom to Lagos, she was one of the flight attendants and I liked her immediately because she didn’t show any haughty attitude. Despite her beauty, she had a geniune smile for everyone and even when she caught me with my cell phone, she smiled engagingly at me and adviced me to put it away.
I did, immediately.

My name is Joel Afolayan a 36years old native of Ogun state, born and bred in Lagos. I work for Globacom communications.
Lucy wasn’t easy to woo…ha…it took me six months to woo her. She was always using her job as an excuse, she
gave me several reasons to let her be but I only saw reasons why I wanted her. I never got tired of talking to
her on phone whenever she had enough time.

When she accepted to be my girlfriend, I almost testified in church! Seriously, I was jubilant! However I never. pretended to be in love, I just felt elated like I had received a rare gift… Lucy knew about my love life or lack
of it yet she agreed to the relationship.
Lucy wasn’t just beautiful, she was smart and intelligent too!

I got the shock of my life three months into our relationship when Lucy told me she was a virgin…
“Is that your way of telling me ‘hands off’?” I asked trying to hide the anger in my voice.
I knew girls who played such tricks, they would sleep with various men
and lie to one that they were virgins. It irked me to think Lucy was one of them. I waited for her to answer
and her replying was as puzzling as her confession.
“Yes and No” she said
“Am I supposed to understand that elusive response?”
I asked not hiding my disappointment. Lucy smiled and looked at me with her beautiful eyes.
“It could be hands off, but I’m only telling you because You should know” she explained but I still couldn’t believe that a lady like Lucy hadn’t being with a man sexually…

I expected to loose interest in her after that since I couldn’t be with her the way I really wanted, but I didn’t, I craved for her company everyday.
My friends said I was falling for Lucy but I denied it’s possibility. Love? Out of the question!

To be brief, Lucy became the centre of my world. Despite the fact that we didn’t have any sexual relationship, which wasn’t easy for me, I was closer to her than to any of my exes!
I never thought of it as love, I didn’t see the need to put a name to what I felt for Lucy… I felt lucky.

Six months ago, after a disastrous airplane crash(which didn’t even happen in the country) Lucy became scared of her job and when it was obvious that
she was developing a phobia for flight, I asked her to stop and she did.
I was partly happy because I saw her more…when a new job did not come, my girlfriend became irritable and
restless. It also turned out that she had no savings. I took
care of everything- and I mean ‘everything’

Then it dawned on me that in all the time I had being with Lucy, I hadn’t thought of another woman, despite
the temporary celibacy! I was in love with her! Shock!
Instantly, I feared for my sanity. I also feared that she would leave me and she laughed at my pessimism.
“Joel, how could you even think that of me?” she accused
“I don’t know” was all I could say and she laughed.
” Sweet, there is nothing wrong with loving a woman, it doesn’t make you vulnerable and it doesn’t make you
less a man. I love you yet I’m not afraid of anything. I’d rather enjoy what I have than let what might not
happen give me inhibitions. We’ll be fine, I promise.”

Lucy’s words reassured me and I calmed.
On my own, I began to make plans to marry. If I could love her, I should wed her.
A month ago, I got Lucy a job, a very fine job that would pay well…and two weeks ago, I asked for her hand in
marriage. Well, pardon me if I expected too much, but I
expected her to jump for joy while she said yes…considering that she loved me and I was crazy about her. She shocked me.
“No I can’t”
“Of course you can” I laughed shakily and brought out
the little box that housed the pretty little ring I got
“I’m sorry Joel, but I never said I wanted to marry you.
We agreed to something different” she said and pushed the ring back into my hand. Was I hallucinating? Wasn’t
this the part where the lady should screech and start crying that the Man who loved her and whom she loved
was putting a ring on it’?

“Lucy, what are you saying?”
” I can not marry you”
“You do not love me?”
“I do” She sniffed
“If you love me, then what…” she had started crying and I was confused. She loved me, I was sure. What then could the problem be? I let her be.
For a week, I didn’t call, text or see Lucy, I decided to give her time and space.

Then she called me and when I saw her I got a big shocker. She wouldn’t marry me because she feared her womb had been destroyed. She had had six induced abortions and the last one had been rough…Virgin?…my heart screamed.

“I lied to you and I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d stay long enough to find out…”
I was dazed.
“I’m sorry Joel, I love you and I couldn’t bring myself to make you suffer for my sins”

Speechless.
I was too shocked and too angry. There wasn’t any correlation between ‘virgin’ and ‘abortion’. Lucy lied to me, I was gullible.
Yet I can’t let her go, I love her.
I should forget about her but she’s changed and she’s living a new life. She thinks she can’t conceive anymore
but maybe she’s wrong…

Dear Readers,
I think what I feared most has finally happened, I am now a victim of love.
Please help. I still haven’t called Lucy. I haven’t decided…
Would it make me crazy if I insisted on marrying her? I’m so optimistic about her fertility…but would it be a good
thing? Considering I had never loved before her.
Thanks,