On June 3rd, 2013, a young Cuban, armed with 5 tool ability and a rockin bod, landed on the Southern Coast of California. He was called upon to save a sinking ship, filled with disgracefully overpaid former all-stars including Manager Don Mattingly, who doesn’t seem to be capable or running a little league team, let alone the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hoping to find support from this beautiful Cuban specimen, they intended to immediately plug him into their leadoff spot as they intended to rise out of the cellar and eventually take over first place in the standings. It became evident from the first few hours of playing, that this stunning specimen was quite possibly their savior. The aforementioned Mattingly was going to place spark plugNick Punto in the leadoff spot, but wisely was overruled by upper management as Don is the perfect little puppet. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. Consequently, the Dodgers have won 3 out of their last 4 games and the baseball world has been taken hostage by this awe-inspring young Cuban. His name: Yasiel Puig, and he’s now batting 438 with 3 dongs and 9 ribbies, adding up to 27.5 fantasy points in 4 days. I’ve got to admit that I’m a little upset with rotoworld for breaking the news that the Dodgers were calling up Joc Pederson, so I grabbed him instead. WHOOPS! Can I sue them for pain and emotional suffering? Get Cochran on this ASAP! What?! He’s dead? When did that happen? Are there any other African American legends I can get on the case? I need that Cochran swag and unfortunately white guys just come off as douche [email protected] when they act that way.

Anyway, Puig is obviously a must own as you want to ride this as long as you can. We could have a possible Mike Trout type situation on our hands here gentlemen (and ladies). Realness is pouring out of this stud’s pours and I can only dream of being a part of it. Should you sell high? Well considering I offered Nelson Cruz for him and was asked “I hope your kidding,” he might be a tough get. I suppose that could have something to do with the fact that Cruz is more than likely going to be suspended for 100 games but who knows. June 3rd will forever be remembered throughout history, as “The Bay Of Puigs.” A star is born. Two, if you’re counting me. Oh you’re not counting me? #@## you!!!!!!!!! I’m kidding (No, I’m not).

As you may or may not know, my main focus is head to head leagues/points leagues and I’m gonna give to you raw like O.D.B. Here’s what else went down this week.

Matt Moore – NEGATIVE 17 1/2 points, huh Matty? I beat an elderly woman senseless after your meltdown pushed me over the edge. Ok, I didn’t do that, but God, did I ever want to. My fitness model senses were giving me all the signs that Moore was due for a mental breakdown of Paris Jackson proportions (too soon?), yet I couldn’t resist starting him as I’m sure 95 percent of you did as well. Oh you didn’t? You think you’re better than me!? Sorry, I’m a little high strung after my Miami Heat gave away the home opener to the Spurs. Kudos to you if you benched him. His next start is another tough one, against Baltimore. I say he bounce-ba-bounces back, ya’ll.

Julio Teheran – If you listened to the podcast last week like proper razzballians, you would have heard me start the show off with a bang and gotten some good adds for the coming weeks. Teheran is a guy I’ve been enamored with for weeks and was only owned in about 40 percent of leagues. Well, I’m pretty sure he will be close to 100 percent owned by Sunday so hurry up and buy! His stuff looked more un-hittable than Rosie O’Donnell at 10 am on a Wednesday, and I am on my knees right now praying young Julio isn’t replaced in the rotation by Beachy. Oh, what a travesty that would be, as Teheran just dropped 34.5 fantasy points on Wednesday. What a travesty indeed.

Evan Gattis– Did you know Gattis is the 3rd ranked catcher in fantasy baseball right now? Egads, ya’ll! Everytime he gets cold, I expect him to fade into obscurity like Christian Slater, but he bounces back every single time (very much unlike Christian Slater). Atlanta simply has to use a rotation with their outfield, especially considering how Heyward and the Upton bros are all struggling mightily. Seriously, how can they sit El Oso Blanco? It’s downright criminal. So is the fact that I’m not gracing the cover of “Mankini Weekly,” but I’m not crying about it. I am, actually.

Gordon Beckham– If you’re desperate for a 2 bagger, as I’m sure many of you are, grab Becks. The guy can hit a little bit and even stole a couple bags Wednesday night. I mentioned Beckham on the podcast as well. Having the ability to do radio work and the kind of body of a Greek God is a true blessing from the Elder Gods and I never take it for granted. Jim Rome says the same thing but we know he’s lying to himself. His wife told me he showers in a bathing suit.

Bartolo Colon– Just how much HGH and deer antler paste has been injected into Colon’s buttocks? There’s just no reasonable explanation for the type of performances BC has been putting on as of late and I want answers. Speaking of Colon’s buttocks, I haven’t seen an ass that big since I accidentally walked in on Anna Nicole-Smith getting drilled by her lawyer Howard Stern when I was auditioning for a role on her reality show. RIP. I can’t believe I’m saying this but Colon is definitely someone who should be owned right now. This dough boy is 7-2 with a 3.142 ERA and dropped 22 points in his last start. Send him a box of jelly donuts to show your gratification.

Brandon League– Whoever made the decision to resign League to a contract worth up to 33.5 million dollars should have their testicles clipped with a weed wacker. The man is one of the top 10 worst closers in baseball and they have a top 5 level closer working the 8th innings? Hmmmm. Kenley Jansen deserves the job and has more than proved he is capable. Every time League gets close to losing it, he somehow rebounds and gets a couple in a row. This causes me to break things and scream at the top of my lungs like a a rich teenage girl. I haven’t been this angry with another man since the head guy at Playgirl told me I’d never make it in their magazine. I suppose Jansen needs to be rostered since I know, deep in my heart, that League is going to lose the closer job. It’s just so painful rostering an 8th inning guy for I don’t respect it, unless you’re in a league where you get points for holds of course.. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE LET KENLEY CLOSE!

Cole Hamels– Hamels bizzounced back in a major way Wednesday with 29.5 fantasy points but is still a good buy low candidate. I’m sure Phillies’ upper management is wondering if it’s a coincidence that he started blowing balls right after he got paid in a major way. Still, I say he figures it out and the Phils make a push for the playoffs behind the mighty “Sir Domonic” Brown.

J.J. Hardy– I haven’t seen someone play with such abundant rapaciousness since I witnessed the whole Cash Money Crew descend upon the strippers at the Queen of Diamonds in Miami back in 99. Hardy is hot like lava and should be owned in all formats. He was a late round pick this year but has 30 homer potential, and right now he’s feasting.

Josh Hamilton– I haven’t seen someone go into a slump like this since Chris Farley. Oh wait, he died. Ok, I lied, I’ve never seen anyone go into a slump like this. I don’t have any answers for you but I’d still try and buy low on him. Speaking of Farley, not even death stopped him from getting this gem released nationwide. Speaking of Almost Heroes, I could have just as easily have used Matthew Perry for the joke as he might as well be dead also.

My friends, it’s been a pleasure as always. I hope you enjoyed me on the podcast this week and hopefully I will be on more often in the future. I will be unless Capozzi wants to wake up to dead squirrel heads in his bed and his soda water machine missing. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to in a timely fashion. Don’t hesitate to follow me on twitter at TeholBeddict47 and feel free to DM me naked pics of women of all ages. I’ll be back.

@uncdrew: I got offered Sandoval for him yesterday, and Marte for him today. I passed on both. One guy asked if I would trade him for Machado, I said yes, but he backed out I guess. My point is; I’ll trade him, but I want a lot, because he COULD be amazing the rest of the year (Mike Trout) and we haven’t even seen his speed yet

@Tehol Beddict: yup he is dammit. looking ahead would you chance streaming Nolasco and his two starts next week he’s been pitching decent as of late. I just dumped Straily for cole too. cole could possibly get second start vs LA you risking that weekly start?

@uncdrew: the owner of him in razzball writers league has scoffed at my attempts to trade for him. he’s gone as far as changing his team name with Puig somehow involved as I can’t recall it off the top of my head. Can this guy be real?

@Shawn of the mostly living: ive never liked coles mental makeup and dont know if he has it in him to be a star and he hasnt been striking people out very much but with that being said I think he has better chance of being long term answer thos season as cingrani will get sent dowm again when cueto comes back but who knows how serious cuetos injury is. Its a coim flip but id probably go cole

@Shake N Bacon: Don’t hold it against me Bacon. I’ve always hated the Spurs. At least Upton has been trying to steal more as of late to try and make up for his flaccid hitting. I assume he gets it back turned around.

Id probably ride with Franklin right now as he’s been doing some nice things but Beckham might end up with the better season. Franklin has never before really displayed power so that might be a false representation of who he really is

@Tehol Beddict: Yeah the Spurs are old and boring. I was hoping anyone but the Lakers and Spurs would’ve made it out of the West.

Oh I can’t really complain about Upton. He has been running a little. Got caught last night. It’s just odd that someone with as short and compact of a swing as him is so late on these fastballs down the middle of the plate.

Thanks for the advice on franklin. I’m gonna roll with him for now. The 2b/SS pool is pretty rough.

@uncdrew: i feel you Unc. he gets Giants at home in his first start. they don’t exactly pump fear into my heart but they are a veteran lineup and they could get to him. Sitting him and watching first start is probably the way to go

From reading scouting reports and based on couch observation Puig should be a sell high guy IMHO…he’s a new shiny toy but he is still A REALLY RAW TOOL BOX?…still like him but I see him crashing hard after a hot start getting sent down then being a fucking stud 2 years from now…huge upside but he has taken some ugly swings on breaking stuff and is miles behind Trout, Harper and Machado in terms of polish and baseball IQ…good keeper but ROS I don’t see him being any more valuable than a solid 3rd outfielder…

Hey, I’m in a bit of a predicament- I picked up Mitch Moreland Monday before rosters locked for the week; he gave me some points then I found out he was placed on the 15 day DL; now with Giancarlo Stanton expected to come off the DL for Monday would you still add someone or keep Stanton not active on the DL/bench. I was looking at adding Puig since Crawford & kemp will still be on the DL next (Crawford longer since he was placed on Monday)

I wanted to pick him up Monday but by the time I was going to add him rosters were locked, yes I’m shocked nobody added him earlier in the week . It’s an 8 team h2h (like fantasy football) league & I’ve noticed people haven’t really been adding / dropping players except a league mate dropped michael morse then dropped Daniel Murphy for Matt carpenter, I was actually suprised the owner in my league who has Carl Crawford didnt snag Puig , lol oh well

Don Mattingly is a moron. I’m sure he would trade Puig for Nick Punto if he didn’t already have him. Looking to the future would you rather keep Hanley or Domonic Brown? different positions I know but i need an answer!!

At a loss for words! Absolutely hellarious! Suggestions for the Mariner’s pitching staff after giving away 6 runs in one inning last night and losing in a record breaking 17 inning game with a game tying grand salami the night before? I can’t do this anymore! Lol

Yo I was in the middle of trading MCCutchen for Puig but everybody in Razzball thought i’m a nutcase… I know there right buy I have so much faith in Puig that I don’t think Cutch will go near his numbers all year. Plus I need the HR’s… What u think my Brotha Tehol???

@Frank White: “I done smoked with the best of em shot at the rest of em
Was about a hundred or more, maybe less of em.’ yooooo Frank you need to chill on that deal buddy. Cutch is a must own. Who else do you have thats tradable?

@Marcus: yes, considering braun might get suspended otherwise id say good trade for you. If you don’t think he’ll get suspended go ahead and pull the trigger. i have no clue whats gonna happen. i kind of doubt they will be able to suspend them immediately

Other owner wants Goldy and willing to give up any combination of A-Gone, H. Bailey, M. Cain, Belt. I was thinking his first three for Goldy + I’d give him Jackson and Valdespin, as the roster limit is 28 players.

Do I pull the trigger? Nothing on the weekly FA wire in recent weeks and I’m not optimistic something will appear.

I was just offered Hamilton for AGonz … I don’t want to do it but I would hate myself if Hamilton hit 20 HRs next week and I turned it down. I feel like Hamilton might have fell off the wagon out there in LA and that is why he’s hot garbage. I’m leaning towards holding but I thought I would come here to get a second opinion.

@Dave the Barber: who would you play at first base?? I need details David. I’m hamiltons biggest fan, for we both share a passion for hookers and blow. He has to get hot. he just has to. Again, I need to know the drop off of your first basemen and who u have in outfield

My OF is sick. I have Dom, Dread P, Adam Jones, and Bruce. I have Mayberry on my bench and I already have Goldy. So either Rendon or Mayberry would fill my 1b/3b slot. Bruce would go into my Util slot. So my lineup would be:

…
My reservation is that Gonzo is just so consistent and boring that he’s like the glue to my team. I tried to offer the guy Rendon and Dickey but he looks like he wants the consistent production from AGonz the same way I want to keep it. Plus I don’t need another OF right now and I just waiting for Rendon to get 2b eligibility from ESPN so I can determine whether to unload Walker or not.

@Dave the Barber: but i wouldnt be mad at you for it. Im obsessed with hamilton so i dont know if id be able to restrain. i just offered matt moore and another piece for hamilton and was struck down with no hesistation

@Tehol Beddict: I wouldn’t trade Hamilton for Moore either, his overall body of work tells me he’s about to regress to the mean. I would only trade him for someone consistent like AGonz or Cliff Lee. Thanks for the advice man, I’m gonna hold.

@Dave the Barber: Oh and I have Mayberry because I’m in a 14 team league, he was productive last week, I’m a Phils fan, and I had to put Asdrubal on the DL. I think I may drop him for Ike Davis though.

@Dave the Barber: how did I know you would be back on here to remind me hahaha. man that was terrible. 2 in a row yikes. next start against royals. he better handle that. i cant even trade this guy now