An ongoing journey through substance abuse and eating disorders.

Starting to Feel Better

I almost don’t want to write this, less I jinx myself, but I’ve felt better today than I have in a long time (at least months). I’m trying to have appreciation for it and acceptance that I will feel like shit again at some point. That’s just the way things are.

I’m chalking it up to finally being modestly fed and rested. I’ve been struggling with both of those self-care practices and I think I may have been underestimating exactly how much they have been contributing to my malaise.

Last night, I felt awful. I had very high SI and SH urges, the latter acted on, though just a little bit. I was lying in the dark crying and ultimately decided to turn to my one legitimate PRN Rx (Zyprexa). I read up on it a bit. The 2.5g or 5g doses never did much of anything. So, I increased it a bit (but without exceeding the daily dose on the label) and I believe it really helped me rest.

And now, I’m actually at a mall, shopping for jeans. I’ve decided that I’m not going to let my waist get any smaller than it is right now (touch wood) and that I should probably have at least 2 pair of jeans in a size that fits. For the last two years, I’ve been walking around with multiple pair of jeans, all 32″ length but also all of different waist sizes, to deal with my constantly fluctuating weight. I’m done with that. I’m in 31″ jeans. They’re still a bit loose but I theoretically will be at this size (and growing very slowly? Maybe?) and I’ve decided to get one more pair at this size. I am going to Old Navy, though. I don’t want to spend too much, just in case.

Finally, I just wanted to write down that I actually feel ok to remind myself that I don’t feel like shit all the time.