Us vs. the DM's pet iguana.
Dania, female 1/2-elf MU, 4th level
Kortul, male human fighter, 3rd level
Razuli, male human fighter, 3rd level
Arlor, male dwarf thief, 3rd level
Kory, male elf bard, 2nd level
Topash, male elf druid, 3rd level
The Truly Awesome Reptilian Being gazed upon us with a contemptuous eye.
The other eye was full of righteous rage; together, they were more than
enough to tell us that here stood one of the Truly Buff Dudes of the world,
against whom we stood as much chance as Kory had of performing at the Met.
We tried to scatter; the Truly Awesome Reptilian Being cut us off with great
flashes of lightning, and the earth trembled slightly.
Truly Awesome Reptilian Being: "Hold! The offense is not sufficient for my
Lords to end your pitiful lives at this time. You must give recompense!"
Dania: "Sure! How much do you want?" (*big* grin!)
Razuli: "No goddamn way!! FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE! THAT MONEY'S MINE!" (Attacks
Truly Awesome Reptilian Being.)
TARB: (Swings hammer once, bashes Razuli into next week.) "We are not
interested in the gold you offer. A service is in order!"
Kory: "A service? No problem! I do weddings and funerals. Topash, start
the ceremonies, and will somebody useless dig a hole for Razuli here?"
Razuli: "Fuuuccc..."
TARB: "Your service... is to obtain the Orb of Spheres! This you will
deliver to our temple, where we shall take it."
Arlor: "Why didn't I go home when I could? I don't like you, yup I sure
don't, you're mean, and (FLASH of lightning) really, um, um, help."
TARB: "I sense reluctance. Is this so!?"
Dania: "Oh, uh, thank you for your great generosity, uh, snakely one! We'll
get right on it! Immediately! I can see only one problem, oh mighty, uh...
person of long teeth and scales of emeralds!"
Kortul: (sneers)
TARB: "You have a request, then? Perhaps you wish to know its location? I
have not time to waste seeking it. That is for lesser beings, who may with
clear conscience spend their tiny lives in the search."
Dania: "No, no, its about a companion of ours who we miss very much and who
is an important, necessary part of our group but he's dead you know and this
whole quest service thing would go a heck of a lot easier and more quickly
if he were around can you godly-type beings do anything about that maybe?"
TARB: "Time is not an issue. I am sure most of you will be dead by the time
this minor item is to be used."
Kory: "Ok, how about this, bright eyes: without him, we simply cannot get
it. It would just be TOO much for us. Us little warmblooded things are
just too bloody INCOMPETENT for such a task."
TARB: "That is true. How, then, will having one more of you running about
making messes help your assigned task?"
Razuli: "Uhhhh...."
Topash: (Sigh.) "Well... Navero was a member of the sect who worships The
Lords of the Correct and Unalterable Way. Does that mean anything to you?"
TARB: "Hmmm... (mutters) We do still owe them for that last... (notices
party) Enough! Here, and then be about your task! (*POOF* A whole and
complete Navero appears in cloud of smoke, acompanied by the smell of roses
and summer afternoons. The Truly Awesome Reptilian Being disappears.)
Topash: "Hello, Navero. How was the afterlife?"
Navero: "Urk..." (Throws up)
Razuli: "Medicccc......"
Dania: "Oh, shut up. He just got back. Quit being greedy."
Kory: "Now, now. He can't help himself."
Razuli: "I can't! I'm a greedy, selfish bastard! It's my hobby!"
Kortul: "Someone give him a robe."
Dania: "What? Oh! Yea, here." (Throws robe about Navero.)
Navero: "I don't feel good. What happened?"
Kory: "Oh, you died. Nothing serious."
Navero was weak as a kitten, but he was there, and seemed to have no
memory of his painful death. We gave him his pack and he got on his
spare robes and spent some time praying to the Lords to thank them
for their infinite mercy in giving him another try. The rest of the
party returned to the treasure pile to resume the sorting.
The pile contained a decent amount on coin, and a few magic items
thrown in. There was a suit of elven chain (only slightly torn), a
mace, a two-handed sword, a long sword, a ring, and some potions.
There were also some gems and things. Most of the hoard, however,
was worthless to us; glass and pottery and colored rocks and other
things, so the hoard wasn't worth nearly as much as it had first
looked to be. This upset some party members greatly; others took
the news better.
Razuli: "Idiot dragons. Doesn't somebody have a healing potion? Wait a
minute, the magic-user does! Give it!"
Dania: "Sorry, must have slipped my mind. We really better save it for
emergencies."
Razuli: "Aw, come on! This is a emergency! We're all in this
together, right, kids? C'mon!"
Navero: (Stumbles over, Cures Light Wounds on Razuli)
Razuli: "C'mon, issat all? After all the godamn shit I went through for you
guys, this is the thanks I get."
The magic items, when identified:
Elven chain mail, +1
Mace, +1
Longsword, +2, Luck Blade
Two-handed Sun Sword
Ring of Levitation
Potion of Slipperiness
Potion of Extra-healing
Scroll - Protection from Fire Elementals
Kortul: "Great sword here."
Kory: "And I want that longsword."
Razuli: "Hey, I want it too, bard. Keep your grimy paws off."
Kory: "Do not refer to my fine-tuned fingers in that manner, mercenary. Why, I can play many an instrument with skill that would leave you in awe. My own is out of tune only due to the prevailing dampness. Besides, you already have a magic sword."
Razuli: "Leavemy sex life out of it, bard. I'll trade ya."
Kory: "Hell with YOU. I like this sword!"
Dania: "Nav, take this."
Navero: "But I already have a mace. With the symbol of the Order on it!"
Topash: "This one is better. Trust us."
Dania: "Take the chain mail too."
Razuli: "Hey, I wanted that! What is this!?"
Arlor: "Me too."
Dania: "Nav, here. Put the armor on."
Navero: "Uh... how does it open here?"
Razuli: "Waitaminute. You don't unlace that. Haven't you worn armor before?"
Navero: "Uh... no."
Dania: "WHAT? Nav, you idiot!"
Razuli: "Well, he doesn't wear armor. I'll take it."
Arlor: "Um..."
Dania: "Give it! Nav, (throws it in his face) get into that."
Navero: "But how can I preach peaceful relations among all peoples when I am
going about prepared for war?"
Topash: (Sigh.) "Preparation is one thing. But prevention is also
admirable, is it not?"
Navero: "Yes. 'The one who sees what the Lords place before him is great in
the sight of all men.' But I... uh... it seems so... pessimistic, to walk
about all armed."
Kory: "Little priest: we all are getting fed up with you dying. It is
highly inconsiderate of you."
Razuli: "Yeah! Here you are, dying all the time. Don't you ever think
about what you put us through every time you go? Sheesh, the pain and
heartache and weeping just about kills me."
Navero: "I'm sorry, but I must follow... I'm sorry I keep getting killed.
I don't mean to, it just happens."
Dania: "Yeah, Nav. Kortul! Could you show him how to use a mace?"
Kortul: (sigh...) "Better." (stomps off with Navero.)
Dania: "Fine. I want the ring."
(Continue dividing. Dania gets ring, Navero the sliperiness potion, and
Razuli the extra-healing and scroll. Arlor's player was not there to fight
for his share of goodies.)
Kortul: (To Navero) "Padding onto shoulders. Must find them first. Right.
Buckle that. And that. Now mace: hold by this end. Good. Swing. Put
legs into it; try again. (splash!) Not that much."
Kory: "Oh, dear little Dania: have you looked at the chits yet?"
Dania: "No. I figure we better just go back. I can't dispel the spell, and
I really don't wanna fight the city guards. Besides, we'll have to find a
sage in the city who can locate this Orb of Spheres thing."
Kory: "You think so? I don't think so! Have you noticed?"
Dania: "Noticed what?"
Kory: "I'm not wearing it anymore! They just come off! They're not magical
at all! Ha ha, that was a great joke! I'd almost admire it if they all
weren't such putzes."
(Other party members get rid of chits, look vaguely embarrassed.)
Kory: "So, my dear: in exchange for so cleverly getting us out of that
little trap, I will be expecting a spontaneous display of affection from you
at some point in the future. Hopefully, late at night, by a dark reflective
pool under the moonlight..."
Dania: "Where I will slit your noisy throat and toss you to the mud beasts.
Kory, leave me ALONE! You are obnoxious and arrogant and fucking insane!"
Kory: "Ah, you're singing my song. How did a nice girl like you ever get to
be such a rhymes-with-witch?"
Topash: "Here now, children. Differences of opinion are fine, but I think
this has gone far enough. We should try and get back to that Troll cave by
nightfall. With this much dead meat lying around, many things will come
here in the night, and we don't want to be here to meet them all. Lets get
our things together and go."
We made it back to the Troll cave by sunset. That night, the swamp
seemed to come alive with night cries and rushing forms in the
bushes, and ripples traveling through the river. Strange acrid
smells and the sounds of animals fighting wafted down the river.
Nothing came near the cave, with easier pickings elsewhere; when
morning came red to the east the swamp was quiet again.
Daniel Parsons "Betcha 50gp a dragon's guarding this Orb thing."