If we were to build a pantheon of world soccer’s most lethal weapons, there are a few iconic appendages we can think of that would be locks to make it in: Lionel Messi’s left foot, Cristiano Ronaldo’s right, Abby Wambach’s head. To those ranks we must now add the right hip/stomach/ribs region of Lauren Hemp, the…

I suppose it’s worth setting up this clip with a bit of context: What you’re about to see is Gary “The Flying Scotsman” Anderson getting 501 with the minimum nine throws during a darts tournament in Blackpool, England. This is essentially the darts version of a perfect game, so you should be impressed. But what you’re…

Belgium topped England in a loose and entertaining third-place game Saturday, behind a couple terrifying quick-strike counterattack moves, and some delightfully screwy defending from the lads of England.

When I adopted England as my team for this America-free World Cup, I figured they would fuck me over by bowing out early, maybe underwhelming in the group stages. Instead, they REALLY fucked me over by making a run, getting my hopes up, and then collapsing against Croatia when they had more than a few chances to build…

The bracket was on their side, the memes were on their side, and even the sport, a creation of their very own, appeared to be in favor of the Brits. Unfortunately for them, football won’t be coming home, because Croatia beat England in their World Cup semifinal today by a score of 2-1.

In a truly unfortunate turn of events, England’s World Cup run can no longer go down as anything other than a tremendous success after the terrible lads triumphed over Sweden Saturday, 2-0. We are left to take inadequate consolation from the fact that under no circumstances can both England and Russia advance to the…

Coming into the knockout rounds, everything was lined up perfectly for England to make their deepest World Cup run in generations. Naturally, this set a countervailing force in motion, one that would see England do what they always do and choke in hilariously heartbreaking fashion. During today’s England-Colombia match…

In today’s crucial group stage match between England and Belgium, the Brits narrowly managed to come out on top by coming out on bottom of a hard-fought 1-0 loss. With this phenomenal loss, England won entry to the much weaker side of the knockout round bracket, and now have a clear lane to the World Cup semifinal.

England and Belgium will meet tomorrow at Kaliningrad Stadium in a match that will decide which team will win Group G. Both teams have scored eight goals and conceded two in a matched pair of blowout wins against Panama and Tunisia. This means that if they draw tomorrow, they will have identical goal differentials and…

Expectations are everything at the World Cup. A narrow loss in the Round of 16 might be a generationally humiliating result for one team while being a heroic feat of determination and resolve for another, with the lines between the two being drawn based on what was expected from each team coming into the tournament.…

Despite creating loads of chances in their first game against Tunisia, England had to rely on an epic stoppage-time winner from Harry Kane to get all three points. There was no such drama necessary in the Three Lions’ match against Panama on Sunday, however, as the English were actually able to finish their…

During an open training session yesterday, England assistant coach Steve Holland was photographed holding notes that appeared to reveal the starting lineup for Sunday’s match against Panama. England don’t want Panama to know this! They don’t want anyone to see those notes. So here they are:

According to The Telegraph and journalist Bryan MacDonald, these English fans went to a pub in Stalingrad after Monday’s England-Tunisia World Cup match and celebrated England’s win by doing anti-Semitic chants.

The first 90 minutes of England’s World Cup opener played out how many fans feared they would. Harry Kane easily found the back of the net in the first 11 minutes after a powerful John Stones header was batted right onto his feet, but England were brought back to Earth quickly. In the 34th minute, Kyle Walker left his…

For years now, there hasn’t been much to do but laugh at England’s performances on the world stage. The so-called Golden Generation won nothing, and the 2014 World Cup team didn’t even make it out of their group. England did manage to make it to the Round of 16 in the 2016 Euros, but ended up getting knocked out of…