Thursday 2 December 2010 11.58 EST
First published on Thursday 2 December 2010 11.58 EST

OH ENGLAND

Boo/hurrah, the England 2018 World Cup bid lost (delete according to result)! When Sepp Blatter opened the white envelope (as opposed to the brown ones etc, and so on), embarked on a pause so pregnant his fellow blazers called for hot water and towels, then announced that Russia would be hosting the 2018 World Cup, the Fiver couldn't have been less surprised. Even by their own low standards, this was a poor show for an England team, who have pulled off the impressive feat of crashing out of a World Cup eight years before it even starts.

It was a fitting end to a traumatic day for having to write about something that hasn't actually happened yet is a task the Fiver rarely approaches with relish. Take the aforementioned bid announcement. Clashing with our notoriously tight and unmissable deadline, it's forced us to write what is known in the sports-writing trade as "a runner".

Essentially, this involves writing most of the story before the result is announced, only to seamlessly insert a hastily written paragraph or two once Sepp makes Big Announcement. Then we sit back and wait for the deluge of emails from readers who've clocked our transparent ruse and decided to label us "so-called journalists", say they "expect better from the Guardian" and express their disbelief that we "actually get paid for this rubbish". Don't worry, we can't believe it either.

[SEAMLESSLY INSERT A HASTILY WRITTEN PARAGRAPH OR TWO ONCE SEPP BLATTER MAKES THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT HERE]

England's failure didn't come as a huge surprise, as the long faces on bid delegates Prince William and David Dein immediately before Big Announcement said more than the contents of any Fifa envelope that isn't full of readies. While the Russian delegation was still celebrating on stage, in no way excitable Sky Sports News presenter Jim White was busily trying to find out where he should be pointing his Big Finger of Blame. Panorama? The Sunday Times? Birmingham and Aston Villa fans? Nice try Jim, but this monument to dignity-free ingratiation was always going to go for the country that would generate the most cash and … oh look, wouldn't you know, the preposterously wealthy human rights- and women-abusing crackling furnace that is Qatar only won the 2022 bid.

[CONTINUE WITH GENERIC PRE-PREPARED GUFF]

Russia's triumph provided a fitting end to a Fifa schmoozefest in which depressingly unavoidable brown-nosing was the prevailing theme. Indeed, some say the nadir was reached when Andrex rattled off a limited edition range of toilet paper for Blatter and his fellow blazers' hotel bathrooms and called it David Cameron's Tongue. Particularly frenzied butt-kissing was once again the order of the day at this morning's last-ditch pitches, with one obsequious toady from Sportugal's joint bid earning the lion's share of the plaudits with his quite shameless attempts to prostrate himself before charlatans accused of serious financial shenanigans.

"You have already heard enough slander in the media, the bidding process is clean regardless of what they say," simpered Angel Villar Llona at the end of a 20-minute eulogy to Fifa that prompted several well known English hacks present to openly mock him on Lazy Journalist Story Generator.

Whether these English hacks are related to the English hacks that guffaw uproariously at 'Arry Redknapp's resolutely unfunny jokes every week remains unclear, but they were definitely the same ones who saw no hypocrisy in drooling all over their own side's desperately craven pleas just moments later. With the England bid team burrowing up the Blatter colon and the travelling press pack burrowing up theirs, it made for a seemingly endless and unedifying human centipede soundtracked by sycophantic, squelchy slurping.

That said, of the four pitches the Fiver saw, England's was unquestionably the most impressive, even if it did include video footage of 'Arry pulling off the impressive feat of getting the name of his own club wrong. The undisputed star was self-confessed guttersnipe-done-good Eddie Afekafe, a community worker from Manchester City's KickZ project, who proved a nerveless, eloquent and unlikely hero, alongside star-turns Becks, Big Willy and the Bullingdon Club's Cameron, who are slightly more experienced at public speaking.

Their efforts were in stark contrast to Sportugal's sniping and fawning; Belland bigging up their "ker-aszhyness"; and the unspeakably wealthy country of Russia, who pulled off the masterstroke of broadcasting assorted clips of hot totty in bikinis. Unspeakable wealth and hot totty in bikinis … those other bids never stood a chance.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"In 1996, the US Department of State reported that an American citizen in Qatar was sentenced to six months imprisonment and 90 lashes for homosexual activity ... Homosexual behaviour is illegal in Qatar" – A quick look at the UNHCR website shows Fifa has awarded the 2022 World Cup to a country with just the right hint of 15th century values.

GET 66 POUNDS' WORTH OF FREE BETS WITH BLUE SQUARE

FIVER LETTERS

"Many congratulations to Fifa for proving once and for all that money has no relevance whatsoever in winning a World Cup bid. May I also be the first to tip El Dorado to win the 2026 vote?" – Rob Sheehy.

"I'm impressed with Gary Lineker fessing up about his Italia 90 'messy incident' (yesterday's Quote of the Day) but it's got to be taken with a pinch of salt – after all it happened when he 'tried to tackle someone'. Lineker and tackle – never seen those two words in the same sentence before" – Alan Fitter (and 1,057 others).

"Many thanks to Juliana Shortell (Wednesday letters) for prodding me in the direction of the Save the Words website. I now know that 'blateration' means 'Talk that is rapid and does not make much sense. Running off at the mouth.' We can now all knowingly cry 'More Blatter blateration!' every time he speaks. Being the human embodiment of a word so close to his surname must mean that Sepp will single handedly save the word 'blateration'. He's not all bad" – Laurence Jones.

"So Wrist Ham give Lord Ferg his best spanking in four years and you can't even give it a mention? For shame, Fiver, for shame!" – Declan Hackett.

"Please can I secure an invite to Jonathan Wilson's house? It sounds proper posh. If he is capable of rearranging his condiments into a 3-5-2 formation, I am positively vibrating with excitement at the prospect seeing such a wonderful array of condiments. At our house, we have salt, pepper, chippy-style vinegar, tomato ketchup and if we are lucky HP sauce. That would enable me to complete the midfield section, with the chippy-style vinegar being Stevie G, obviously. Let us all know what other exotic delights he has with his fish and chips" – Gary Oakes.

"It may sound like brown-nosing ... but a genuine thank you from across the Pond for a brilliant Fiver yesterday. The lead story was why I love reading you all – it was nothing short of brilliant. As a Spurs fan I saw Pat Jennings save a Bobby Charlton penalty at White Hart Lane. A big roar from the crowd!" – James Oglethorpe.

BITS AND BOBS

The FA isn't impressed by Birmingham fans' attempts to rush on to the pitch and offer their commiserations to Villa supporters last night. "We wholly condemn the actions of any individuals who have been involved in the scenes of disorder," said an FA suit. "The FA will fully investigate the matter."

West Ham's new defence coach, Wally Downes, has continued the good work started by Birmingham and Villa fans in making it feel like 1983 again. "If the ball is there, you have to get rid of it," he roared at West Ham's website, taking full credit for the clean sheet against Manchester United's third team. "There's no value to overcomplicating things in your own final third."

Neil Cooper and Neil Simpson have been placed in temporary charge at Aberdeen after Mark McGhee was shown the door yesterday. "The two Neils are very committed players in the past and very committed members of the staff," och-ayed the Dons' director of football, Willie Miller.

And Nice Roy Hodgson has ensured that Joe Sensitive Soul Cole's first touch against Steaua Bucharest tonight will bounce off his shin and go out for a throw-in "He isn't a naturally confident character," sobbed Hodgson. "He suffers when things are not going his way."