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7.26.2007

Ballplayers Anonymous: a Guide for Old, Washed-Up Big Leaguers

In light of Randy Johnson's apparent inability to say no to baseball (two back surgeries and he's still considering playing?!) we've formed a support group for middle-aged ballplayers - mainly hurlers - who can't seem to quit the game without help.

If you have found this post and are feeling a lot like the Big Unit, please. Read on. We're here to help you overcome your addiction and start the Twelve Step road to recovery.

First, you must admit that you are powerless over baseball and that your health and control have become unmanageable. It's the first and hardest step on your journey to wellness.

Look around your club house. Your catcher was born the year you graduated high school, your manager is younger than you and there's been roughly 17 mph shaved off your fastball over the last two decades. It's time, and you're not alone.

Sure, you can man-handle the Devil Rays and even toss a quality start every now and then, but you're not the ace you once were. Admit it for your own well-being.

Next, you must make a searching and fearless inventory of your locker. What have you got in there? You're not going to take those steroids are you? That is so 1987. Who is that picture of ... Cindy Crawford?! Throw all that crap away right now, it's not helping you move on into your 40s.

Admitting to the media and to yourself the exact nature of your addiction can be difficult and intimidating. You can do this! Just look right into the camera and say something about how great your career has been, but it's time you move on and say goodbye to baseball.

You've come this far, but now you must be entirely ready to hang up your cleats. It's time to put your used gamewear on the Ebays. You're gonna need the extra dough since you've spent your yearly salary on hookers and blow family outings over the past several years.

To ease the pain of life without BP and fandom, try finding a hobby that will keep your mind off the crack of the bat. Lots of former big leaguers take up golf, fishing, paintball or God stuff. Do what's best suited for you, but don't result in managing or analysis if you're an idiot.

If you have any doubts about this last step, please consult someone who will always be honest with you. Your wife for instance, if she hasn't left yet.

Now that you've officially retired and are on the way to a happy life as a former major league baseball player, do not under any circumstances, relapse. Returning to the game can be tempting, but it may also be detrimental to your prior career; the image your fans have of your prime is at stake. A comeback can mean absolute disaster.

It's a lot like when you see your high school sweetheart and she has 5 kids and a gut the size of a quarter barrel. It's just unfortunate, and no one wishes that upon anyone.