I'm not going to do
the Burt Reynolds thing anymore, it's too funny, so to speak.

Grant Brittain sent
Spike a big box of slides that were Spike's and there was a note in
there saying that they were going to be paying Spike $1800 for some
photos they used. I wonder if Grant knew that about a decade ago Spike
sometimes used Transworld film for other projects if he would still
feel like they owed Spike $1800. I think Spike owes Grant money for
all that film that got used for other projects. Spike, would you like
to tally it up or should I do it? So to speak.

I tried to get some
information together about the commercial that Pat Wilkins (younger
brother of Kevin Wilkins) did for Dominoes Pizza and all I really got
was a crazy detail of how he took the biggest crap of his life at the
house where the commercial was shot. So to speak.

Frosty found a camp
spot where he can hang a flat screen so he's in. Buscemi was scrambling
at the last minute for a Louis Vuitton beach towel but Megan came through
with one for him so he's in. Ty got a flash light and a tent so he's
in and Sam has some sort of futuristic beer bong. Camp Whatevs is about
to set sail. So to speak.

What's up with the
Rick's? Rickk is writing down everything he eats and it's making him
sort of sad, Rrick is getting ready to run naked down a beach with Tito
and Rick has a tattoo of a monkey on his upper arm (in case you forgot).
So to speak.

We are sad to report
that SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS BIRD'S BACKYARD RAMPS has gotten a big red
cancel stamped on it. Spike was quoted as saying, "Bird is talented
but his attitude does not allow me to move forward in a way that I feel
creatively organic". I think what Spike was trying to say that Bird
is a total dick and won't cooperate but I could be wrong.

Harsh Hair Update:
Eric Anthony looks like the Victor park bum might have given him the
name of his stylist, Bob K still bowling, Mette needs to buy a comb
and Jenkins seemed to tone down the "I'm hot but I'm married chick guy
cut".

Maserati update: Spike
feels like in addition to feeling like an asshole in the car, people
are now looking at him like he is an asshole. "They should at least
talk to me first before they just judge me". Such an innocent little
guy, just wants a chance.
He should loan the car to Tremaine. Tremaine truly is an asshole and
in that car, Holy Hollywood Prick.
(It's weird, we always try and shit talk Tremaine and he acts like he
doesn't care. Maybe it's because the stuff we write is painful for him
to face. Like when he stood in the way of The Fandanglers ever winning
a single game).

I guess poisonous
blow darts aren't funny. Lots of things aren't funny. This column for
starters. Just kidding, this column is funny.

Burt Reynolds wrote
a book called MY LIFE. I'll treat you to a quote from the book now and
then and then I will comment on what I think he really means:
"I was fourteen, a quiet introspective outcast who eyed the cheerleaders
from afar and even in 100 degree heat dreamed of wearing a letterman's
sweater".
What he means: I knew I was a total creep at a very young age.

ENTRY #270

Karl Malone is pretty
tall.

Remember how I recommended
that you experience a broken water main in your production room just
for the smell? Well, it got me to doing some research and I found out
some pretty neat stuff about the different nouns, verbs and adjectives
related to smells depending if the smell is good or bad. For example,
the production room is giving off a smell (that is because it stinks).
On the other hand, Bob K's hair is giving off a scent (that is because
he uses hair care products that smell lovely).
This column should be called LEARN LEARN LEARN.

No Maserati updates.

HARSH HAIR UPDATE:
Spike has gone goth with a new black tint. Sprout feels like he should
have highlighted his eyebrows but feels he still looks very sharp. Eric
Anthony's pretty pony tint is starting to fade and that's about it on
hair style changes.

Guess who is back
from Hawaii and has his shirt on? That's right, Ty's back, he left with
a girlfriend and came back with a fiance. Congratulations Ty and Steph!

Bird and Mikey are
going to be snuggled on an air mattress on the beach in Pismo in about
three days and Bobby Echo better call Hime for back up Von Zippers.
Camp Whatevs sets sail in three days.

We've had a locksmith
out to Girl twice in two days. Guess why and you win a big bag of old
keys.
Send your entries to
THE KEY TO SUCCESS
c/o THE TAP
22500 S Vermont Ave
Torrance CA
90502.
I know it's a dumb contest but is it the dumbest contest on Crail? That's
my point.

ENTRY #269
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2003

Guess who has over
4,000 points just in play off games? How about if I give you his initials?
KM.
That's right, Karl Malone.

Looks like Rick Raymond
is going to be the lone Diarrhea Cupcake. Tito is back to updating his
column as if his life depended on it. He's also building small fires
which The Tap warns against but at least he's doing it in the Champagne
lounge. If Tito wants to heat things up with a little fire in the back
of the castle, it's his castle.

Mikey got his bedset
for the new estate. He bought it stock and is having an experienced
carpenter come in and install an apple basket on the night stand. Yummy.
Or maybe Yukky is what I meant.

Spike checked in with
a Maserati update. He feels like the car is making him look like an
asshole when he drives it. He's sharp, that's why we keep him.
Now he knows how Rick and Mikey feel when they cruise around. Kidding
guys. You look awesome in those matching cars.

Have you ever had
a water main break in your production room? Seriously, you have to try
it. The smell after two days of running heaters and humidifiers will
give you so much head room for bad smells in the world.

Did you know that
true gangsta's don't go camping? Just ask Diamond Nick.

SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS
BIRDS BACKYARD RAMPS is soaring. After Bird's trip to New Mexico where
a young boy was excited to show off a mini ramp he headed for a cement
park some kids built on their grandfather's land leaving the New Mexico
boy crying in a corner with something similar to Vietnam flash backs.
He's good.

ENTRY #268
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2003

Have I told you that
Karl Malone ranks #7 in the for free throws? I wonder where Shaq ranks.
Probably a slight bit further down the list.

Harsh correction!
That room that I spoke about in Mikey's new love nest is not "peach".
"The correct name of that room in my house is called apricot, it's a
very light shade of apricot". I wonder if a rainbow flag will clash
with that room.

Harsh Hair Update!
Normally when Jenkins Sr gets a hair cut, the next time we see Emmet,
he has gotten a hair cut as well. But Jenkins got a sort of slick back
chick guy cut and when Emmet showed up yesterday he still had that cute
little over grown bowl cut. Wait a minute....would the Jenkins let Bobby
Echo babysit?

We're working on the
most spectacular event ever, a January open house for all the shops
and distributors that we love so much. (And of course cutting edge reporters
that drop by quoting numbers that they heard were owed to people).
The parking lot is being re-paved for the grand event and Rickk thinks
he is going to build some sort of obstacles in the parking lot. He's
not but it's fun to let him think that. I guess we will let him think
that until he shows up with blueprints and then we'll tell him some
lie about insurance or something.
There will be live music, treats, dancing, laughter and of course, Tito.

Camp Whatevs is setting
sail in just one week. With a unicorn tent, I think it is safe to say
that Bobby Echo will be getting all the chicks and The Spascalade is
so last year.

ENTRY #267
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2003

I'm having a Karl
Malone contest. Not really.

Little Bobby Bowl
Cut bought a new tent for Camp Whatevs and he is going to be bunking
with Tito. Tito has promised good times, sad songs and much nudity.

Spike wanted everyone
to know that "keeping busy is good". Not sure if he came up with that
himself or if he heard it at one of the many motivational weekends he
indulges in. He is currently testing the waters of an image change to
a "greasey director" by driving around in a borrowed Maserati. Seriously.

Bird lost ten pounds
on a new diet he calls "it went in as steak and came out my mouth and
butt all night". It only takes one day so that's pretty awesome results.

The Mez has let us
know that the funnest part of his job is when he has to explain articles
to people so they are not mad at him. We're not mad at The Mez, we're
just jealous.

Brian Anderson, missing.

Gino Ianucci, sleeping.

Tito told us that
he attended some wild dinner parties at Richy Mulders. I guess our invites
got lost in the mail.

The Gav is on his
way to lovely Hawaii where Ty is currently cruising around with out
a shirt on.

ENTRY #266
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2003

Did I already tell
you that Karl Malone graduated from Louisiana Tech? Did I already tell
you that he was the MVP of the 1989 All Star Game? It's hard to keep
track of all the information I provide in this column, truly.

Harsh Hair Update:
Bob K is now known as "Bobby Bowl Cut", Eric Anthony is now known as
"Annie" and Rob Abeyta is going to be rocking some styles he spotted
in Italy last summer.

Sometimes we don't
just do our job, we help other people do theirs. We made this list to
help Skateboarder Magazine not so crazy at the next deadline.
LAME THINGS RICK HOWARD HAS DONE DUE TO BEING YOUNG AND DUMB
1. Slapped a hot butter knife on a friends cheek
2. Stole a boat
3. Bought a bike with someone else's credit card
4. Nude trampolining
5. Bought a bright blue car
6. Kicked in a warehouse door and got boards for Tim
Don't mention it, Mez.

The pilot for SPIKE
JONZE PRESENTS BIRDS BACKYARD RAMPS is off to a fine start. Bird is
leaving for New Mexico tomorrow where a 10 year old skater built his
own mini ramp. Crisis counselors are standing by and Bird is going to
start drinking beer right when he wakes up.
Bird will skate the ramps himself to magnify his dislike for the child.

Mikey's house is done
being painted and some of his friends are a bit divided on the peach
room. (Not peach, the fruit. Peach, the color). Lee thinks the room
is "gay" and Scott thinks the room is "terrific". Mikey tends to agree
with Scott and also added, he doesn't care what anyone has to say about
his house. Sure, that's why the dining room isn't "antiqued".
Mikey also has a deep "under the skin" zit that is driving him crazy
and making him feel gross.
Let me think if he told me anything else in private.......nope, that's
it.

I'm still worried
about that bear that the good folks in Missoula managed to launch into
the air about 60 feet. I wonder if he liked the way he felt when they
tranquilized him. Maybe he was all relaxed thinking, "I don't have to
worry about going to catch Salmon, I'm so calm. I feel like I took a
muscle relaxer and had some wine...". Sorry, I think I became the bear
for a minute.

Tito and Rick Raymond
will not skate tomorrow to honor the break up of Ben and Jen. There
will also be a moment of silence from the entire Girl and Chocolate
family at 4:03 AM to show the pain we feel at their loss.

Emmet Jenkins will
be getting a drivers license about a decade before most people normally
do. The DMV feels like he's ahead of his time and when you think about
most people that drive, the kid's ready. Look for a four foot dude in
a Laker jersey in a green mini van on the 110.

ENTRY #265
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2003

Remember The Glove
fun fact I promised? Well, here it is:
Guess who The Glove gets to warm up with before every game? Karl Malone.
That wasn't fun or funny. Just like most of this column.

Word on the street
is that a certain Von Zipper rep is tan and buffed and may possibly
be the next Tiger Woods.
Or the next Vin Diesel. Either one calculates into a lot of chicks and
with Mikey off the market? How do you say "SCORE" in Romanian?

What's up with The
Rick's? Rrick is on the wagon, Rickk gave Freddie vs. Jason one thumb
up and Rick better call us or we're not going to help him set up his
tent at Camp Whatevs, The Sequel.

No need to keep flooding
me with entries for CLEAN UP OR GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, Andrew Barkan
has won that contest in a very big way.
His family owns a company that carries the motto "Quality Maintenance
Through Chemistry" and he sent us a large supply of everything from
window cleaner to hand scrub.
Chuck tried the hand scrub and said, "I think we have a winner".
Congratulations, Andrew.

Ty leaves for vacation
tomorrow which means another whole week of Ty without a shirt on.

ENTRY #264
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2003

Johnny Cash, Rest
in Peace.

ENTRY #263
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2003

Bob K.

The Glove fun facts
coming soon!

Carnahan (as we now
call him because he surfs) thought he saw a shark this morning but it
turns out it was a "huge fucking dolphin".

Just a shout out to
any forest rangers that check this column. If bears get stuck in trees,
you don't have to sedate them and then try and get them to fall out
of the tree on to a trampoline. They're bears, they'll figure shit out
without you getting involved.
And a trampoline? Why? What about one of those puffy things that stunt
men land on? Didn't think I would have to point this out but I guess
I do.

The CLEAN UP OR GET
OUT OF THE KITCHEN contest was meant for NEW and UNUSED cleaning items.
Someone from The OC didn't have that part of the contest very clear
in their mind and they sent me some sort of soiled lysol rag. Send that
stuff to Clive and get a patch.

Bird started a band
called SWEATPANT KNICKERS. Don't have any idea where the name came from
but the guy is random.

ENTRY #262
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2003

Mike and Rick are
on the couch right now eating Swedish Fish together. They're special.

ENTRY #261
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003

Do you know what Karl
Malone's nickname would be in Spanish? El
Cartero.

I read in the paper
that in a prison in Maine, some of the inmate cooks, put human poop
in a big pot of chili that they made for the other prisoners. That's
a pretty mean joke. That might be right up there with the time that
Rickk fired the Girl delivery person on April Fool's Day. But back to
the chili, wouldn't you notice it was poop by the smell? And isn't the
consistency of poop different then that of ground beef? Maybe I've been
a vegetarian for too long but it seems different.

I'm thinking about
changing the name of this column to ALL SKATE ALL THE TIME. Let me know
if you agree.

Watch how live this
column is, I am going to go ask Mikey a question and then come back
and tell you what he said. Hold please.
OK, I'm back. Mikey's favorite movie is "Naked Lunch". That is if you
don't count movies that have to be brought across borders hidden in
brown paper bags.

I ordered a "Laker
Fan Starter Kit" for Sal on the internet and I guess I punched in the
wrong information and the package came to me. So I started looking at
it and it seemed really cool and I already wore the t-shirt.
I guess I'll just help him paint his face purple and gold for the opening
game. Maybe if he keeps swimming into walls I will only have to help
him paint one half of his face gold. The other half will already be
purple from bruising.

Clive got so much
cool stuff that I decided to hold a contest in this column. Send me
the coolest cleaning supplies you can find (the 409 wipes are off the
hook). The coolest product I receive gets a free skateboard deck.
Send the products to: CLEAN UP OR GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN
c/o THE TAP
22500 S Vermont Ave
Torrance CA
90502

ENTRY #260
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2003

Yesterday I was telling
someone a story and I said "Karl Malone" when I meant to say "Kylie
Minogue". Isn't that funny? Are things still funny when you have to
check and see if they're funny? They are, right?

Not sure what happened
on the Hot Chocolate Tour but Chico only speaks in free style rap now.
We'll keep you posted. Oh, and Gino is still sleeping.

A lot of you have
been wondering what is up with Mikey. Well, the hardwood floors in his
house are done and they look pretty good but he noticed that his floors
are at a slant. I told him not to worry but be prepared to roll the
direction of the slant in the event of an earthquake. How is my glass
always half full?

What's up with The
Andy's? Andy Jenkins is now claiming he's ready to get into The Bling
of it all, Andy Mueller went to a wedding in NY with Sprout and Andy
Warhol should have used more conditioner in his hair, it always looked
dry.

Ever worked at a day
care center? Pretty fun stuff.

ENTRY #259
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2003

Karl Malone.

You know that Merle
Haggard song that goes "Here I am again mixing misery with gin"? I always
would think he should mix the gin with club soda or something but now
that I really think about it, straight gin would be better to mix the
misery with because it speeds up the process of erasing the misery.
Unless you're under 21, then you should just mix the misery with Gatorade.
Speaking of Gatorade, Emmet Jenkins is only allowed to have the clear
kind, not the ones that are dyed blue and purple and Rickk only drinks
the bright colored ones.

Back to Emmet Jenkins
for a moment, on a recent trip to Disneyland Emmet asked Megan if you
can die on any of the rides to which Megan assured him "of course not".
Well, spoke a little too soon. The Thunder Mountain ride had a car derail
today and one person was killed. Looks like Emmet goes to Sea World
for his next birthday outing with Megan and he's not even feeding the
seals.

Spike and Ty are sleeping
in all the time on The Hot Chocolate Tour. There is no "I" in lazy.
It's always the same two people holding us back. Gino is sleeping in
too but I didn't think it was worth mentioning because it has been so
long since we have seen him awake. I guess the Chocolate team has established
a system where they just check him for a heart beat every 30 minutes.
So far, no problems.

I'm not sure if the
photo The Gav sent me of him wake boarding was a press release so I'll
wait to talk about that.

ENTRY #258
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2003

Karl Malone is pretty
tall.

What's up with the
Bob's? Bob K has one good idea and a shit load of bad ones, Bob Barker
likes to point a microphone in people's faces and Bob Dole is probably
picking up some duds at "Suits for Less".

Things are really
starting to unravel here. It turns out not only was the lovely and talented
Kenny Anderson in a break dance crew, they sometimes called him "Little
Skittles". That's almost as bad as Rickk tagging with the name Trick
Rick A La Rock. (I wonder if that was supposed to be a secret, that
would suck for Rickk. If it was, I'll just wait a few weeks and post
that it was a lie). I'm sure both these little pieces of trivia are
nothing compared to the nuggets we could gather on diamond Nick.

Last night this kid
came to my door selling candy bars. I happened to have a Chocolate t-shirt
on and he goes, "well it looks like I knocked on the right door". You
know what's weird? It wasn't funny then either.

We're re-pitching
"Bird's Backyard Ramps" next week with one small change. It is now called
"SPIKE JONZE presents Bird's Backyard Ramps".

ENTRY #257
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2003

One time in an all
star game, a certain friend of ours had a .542% field goal percentage.
Nice work, Karl.

One time in the basketball
league that Rick, Frosty, Bird, Gavin, Tremaine and others played in,
they had a .001% field goal percentage. I like how they all talk about
how Tremaine was the dead weight on that team. Until he's having a good
party or something, they they have to pretend like it was Bird or someone
that was dragging the team down.

I don't have all the
details on this, but Scott Johnston had a seven foot angel in his bed
the other night. Something about that seems weird. I thought angels
were little?

Rickk has hot buttered
knifed another victim. While lost in a serious dance session with Spike
Jonze, Rickk lifted him into the air and almost cut his throat open
with a suspension cable.
There is no "I" in gentle, Rickk.

One half of The Wind
Beneath Our Wings came home and the other half is still mad for being
called a Poop Cake. He better get over it or I'm not drinking wine with
him this year at the Christmas party.
Tito? Do you want to drink alone? Tito? I thought so.

ENTRY #256
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2003

Did you know that
Karl Malone has a career high in offensive rebounds totaling 11 vs.
Golden State? It's totally true.

I am looking for a
friend to watch ALL MY CHILDREN with me every day. I mean, you don't
have to watch it with me because I probably don't want to hang out with
you anyway but you would watch it each day and I would too and then
we would e-mail each other about it.

We need to get your
opinion on something. Rick Howard has been called Skittles because he
took his bottom teeth out eating them but now Kenny has stepped up to
the plate with the info in his breaking crew that were called the Rock
Skittles Posse or something. The first person to send the best reason
why RIck or Kenny should be SKITTLES gets a signed Andy Jenkins Ruby
notebook, a Mike Carroll Ruby vitamin box and a t-shirt. Send the entries!

So tired, too many
bloody mary's.

ENTRY #255
FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2003

Did you know that
one time Karl Malone got 61 points in a game? He did. It's his career
high and it was against The Bucks in 1990. I could probably get 61 points
against The Bucks.
One time when The Lakers played the Bucks, the guy next to me had a
sign that said "BEAT THE SUCKS". Oh, did I mention that I drove to the
game with that guy?

Who misses Mikey?
Me too. Today he called me to ask me if you have to buy all the same
name brand appliances. Like if you buy a Kenmore dishwasher do you have
to buy a Kenmore trash compactor.
I want the old Mikey back that would call every other hour with a question.
The new confident Mikey is boring to talk about.

I have to go do some
stuff. Seriously.

ENTRY #254
THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 2003

Guess who was a First
Team selection in the NBA 11 times?

ENTRY #253
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 2003

What was the question?
Oh, you want to know what Karl Malones field goal percentage was in
1985? It was 49%, thanks for asking. I like talking about Karl Malone,
it makes me feel not so Malonely. This column is so weak, it's actually
a month.

Mikey had his cell
phone off all day yesterday. It was sad. Whenever I would call him to
ask him a bunch of questions, it went right to voice mail. I couldn't
remember which year he was SOTY and I wanted to ask him but couldn't
get a hold of him.

Have you ever walked
into a party like you were walking on to a yacht?

The pilot we pitched
for "Bird's Backyard Ramps" got denied. Bob K said it would blow Crail
Tap up and we would get too commercial and Bird wouldn't be cool anymore.
So if you need any Lakai's, call Bird, he still works there.

What's up with the
Gregs? Greg Carroll is regulating, Greg Louganis likes to do the back
stroke and Gregory Peck made some cool movies.

Sorry for that stuff
I wrote about the twins in India without a butt I just was pointing
out that that would be a huge bummer. If you were born without a butt
you could get a personalized license plate that said ASSHOLNT. But I
think you would have to get a butt to drive so by the time you owned
a car that wouldn't work. Maybe you could get a charm bracelet that
had "ANDS" and "IFS" and then.......sorry. Really, this time I mean
it.

ENTRY #252 1/2
TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 1/2, 2003

Man, I haven't been
able to work or think or sleep ever since I realized that I bummed Tito
and Rick Raymond out so hard by calling them the Diarrhea Cupcakes.
I just wanted them to update their column. Well, we held a meeting with
a focus group to try and come up with a name for the two of them that
would motivate them and tell them "we love you for who you are and who
you are is pretty darn special". I can't take credit for it because
Jenkins assembled the focus group but from this day forward, Tito and
Mr. Raymond are simply known as THE WIND BENEATH OUR WINGS.
Did you ever know that you're our hero? You're everything we would hope
to be. You can fly higher then an eagle. You know who you are.

ENTRY #252
TUESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2003

Were 1996 and 1997
very special years for you? Well, they would have been if you were Karl
Malone because you would have been MVP of the NBA two years in a row.
But you're not Karl Malone. Only Karl Malone is Karl Malone.

I got an anonymous
e-mail from someone saying that something we did recently was the stupidest
thing they'd ever heard of. Look at the following list of some things
that we have done in the past and see if you change your mind:
1. One time Rickk punched in the wrong code on a purchase order and
we ended up with 2400 of a particular wheel that we hadn't stocked in
three years.
2. One time we accidentally ordered $77,000 worth of stickers. It's
a long story but Brian in production loves it.
3. We are currently in a contract for our soda machine until 2009 because
we didn't read the small print. See? That is just a brief list of stupid
things, I could go on for days.
When you start to really take a look at us, some very stupid shit has
gone down.

If anyone likes honey
in their tea, might want to head over to The Carroll Manor. The lucky
fella has a bee hive in the crawl space under his house.

Speaking of luck,
did you hear about those conjoined twins born in India without a butt?
It's true. They can't feed them because they don't have a butt. Not
sure how this is relevant on this site other then the fact that The
Tap staff thinks it would suck to not have a butt. You have to have
a butt, right? I mean medically as well as socially speaking, butts
are necessary.

I spoke to Frosty
a little while ago and is it me or is it very difficult to tell whether
he's thinking, "yes, this all makes sense" or "how long until I can
press END on this cell phone and get the hell out of this call"? Not
just me? Good to know.

I wonder if The Meza's
(or "Daaron" as the priest called them in the wedding ceremony) have
stomach aches from all those virgin Pina Colada's. You're not banned
Aaron, call us, we miss you.

ENTRY #251
MONDAY, AUGUST 25, 2003

What's up with The
Karl's? Carl Sanger got a column on Crail and is going to update it
regularly and Karl Malone doesn't have a column but he did have his
career high in defensive rebounds in December of 2002 in a game against
The Lakers. And now he is a Laker. So weird how everything is so connected.

After a long weekend
of celebrating his birthday, Mikey relaxed today at a spa in Malibu.
We'll never be hard core with him going to spa's and Frosty being so
clean cut. I guess it helps that Rickk stole a boat one time but then
he wears those button down plaids that sort of say, "don't be afraid
of me, I'm nice". Then you have The Carroll Brothers joined by Nick,
Bird and The Gav playing volleyball at the beach this past weekend...
we're soft.

Speaking of soft,
Spike tried to say (without laughing) that he was going to "tear someone
a new asshole". Yeah, that will happen.

We never thought this
could be possible but Bird and Ty are neck and neck for taking their
shirts off this summer. Huge difference is that Ty manages to not do
it in night clubs on the dance floor. Actually not so neck and neck.
Sorry Ty, totally different.

Harsh Hair Update:
Everyone at Girl is pretty much sticking with their usual style. Peter
and Greg seem to be going heavy on the grease but other then that no
big changes. Check back though, we keep this very current.

If you get a chance,
you might want to rent Grease. I watched it last night and there are
so many good parts that I forgot about.

ENTRY #250
SATURDAY, AUGUST 23, 2003

Let's get the Karl
Malone thing out of the way so we can get straight to the apology. The
Mailman's Laker number is 32 which turned around is 23 and that is today's
date. That was easy.

Big apologies to the
artists formerly known as the Diarrhea Cupcakes. I thought Tito and
Mr. Raymond would read what I had written and realize I was trying to
teach them to follow through with what they start. But that isn't how
they took it at all. I don't even think they saw the part about "cuddling
their column as if it was a small kitten". Sorry fellas, sometimes my
tough love approach is a little too tough. But when the going gets tough,
the tough get going and that's just what you guys did.
To both Rrick and Tito, The Tap sends it's love and from now on the
only Diarrhea Cupcake is Jill from the 3rd grade.

ENTRY #249
FRIDAY, AUGUST 22, 2003

"What are you going
to do when you run out of Karl Malone fun facts?". Like that's possible.
And even if I did I would just start posting things like his weight.
He weighs 256 pounds. But I can make that into a fun fact. That was
the average weight of the bouncers in France that beat Mikey's ass.
Now who's having fun?

Looks like we got
some bites on "Kelly Bird's Barkyard Ramps". We have to work through
some of the legal issues but this thing is on. We were doing some test
marketing and we had someone dress up as Kelly and tell an eight year
old that the mini ramp he built was a "total fucking joke" and the kid
has been curled up in a ball crying for three days. We can't be responsible
for stuff like that so looks like a few waivers here and there might
be necessary.

If The Gav, Megan
and Buscemi aren't there, is it still The Stopper? More like The Door
Stopper.

What's up with The
Andy's? Mueller just whipped the life out of Peter at ping pong and
Jenkins is walking around with a bag of food from In 'N Out.

Harshest Hair Update:
Looks like Eric Anthony hung out with Liz Taylor and decided he liked
her hair style.

I wonder what the
Diarrhea Cupcakes are doing on the road. Probably not worrying about
where an internet cafe is so they can update their OLD columns.

Ever do a fanny pack
count when you're just kicking back at Disneyland? And no on wears them
on their fanny, they wear them right below their cheesecake gut (females)
and beer guts (male). Pretty nice little fashion statement.
Buy a backpack, how hard is it to hook your arms through two loops and
wear it on your back? Or put your crap in your pocket. Thanks for your
cooperation.

ENTRY #248
THURSDAY, AUGUST 21, 2003

Peter Sullivan of
Canadian Supra fame called today anxious to know what to celebrate in
honor of Karl Malone on the 21st of August. Silly Pete! Celebrate all
of August because that is the month that Karl was first a part of the
NBA as he signed with The Jazz on the 8th of August in 1985. He probably
never dreamed in all of his wildest fantasies that he would one day
be on an open air bus in the 2003/2004 Laker Championship Parade as
a proud Laker.

One time in 3rd grade,
Jill (we won't say her last name), who was in my class brought in cupcakes
for everyone to celebrate her birthday. The next day a bunch of kids
were absent because they had violent diarrhea. The school then announced
that we would not be able to bring treats in for birthdays anymore.
Why am I telling you this? Because just the way Jill and her diarrhea
cupcakes ruined birthdays for the rest of us for that entire year, Tito
and Rick Raymond have ruined the chances of anyone other than the current
editors of Crail Tap ever having a column. When you are given a Crail
column, take care of it like a small kitten that needs constant cuddling.
And just like Jill, maybe they didn't mean to but they screwed it up
for all the hopeful Tappers that thought they might someday contribute.
Tito and Rick Raymond are now just known as The Diarrhea Cupcakes.

The Awesome Audi is
insane in the dirt! We took Scott's car out to the desert last night
and went off roading, we thought we were in a 4 Wheel Drive military
vehicle. Good thing Scott left it here.

On the correction
tip, Mikey thought that I was calling him "dumb" when I made reference
to what he might be up to at the Playboy Mansion. I guess he is the
only one in our circle of friends that isn't aware of that "cute/dumb
act" he pulls out when the chicks are around and the night is growing
old.
So to clarify, I didn't say Mikey was dumb, I said he acts dumb. Big
difference.

We're pitching our
idea for a TV show called "Bird's Backyard Ramps". Basically Bird shows
up at different kids houses all over the world, checks out what they
skate and then ridicules them for being so lame. Seems negative but
we think it will really prepare kids for the real world.

What's up with the
Scott's? Scott J is on the Hot Chocolate Tour, Scott Peterson is in
jail after being accused of murder and "Great Scott" is the British
equivalent of "What the Fuck"?

ENTRY #247
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20, 2003

What's today and why
is it special? Karl Malone, of course. Today is the 20th and Mr. Malone
averages 20 points per game. (Actually it's 20.6 but it screws up my
column if I try and work that into it).

What's up with the
Rick's? Rickk and Rrick are currently in the same van somewhere in Colorado.
(If you read that sentence again, makes it seem like they did something
really bad and are running from the cops). And Rick? He's on a scavenger
hunt with Frosty and some other Es folk.

That e-mail from "Julie
in Boston" regarding my small mind due to the fact that I only reference
John Travolta movies? Check the archives, Jules! If you do, I think
you'll see that I saw all three Mighty Ducks movies! Pay attention before
you insinuate I'm dumb.

The guys in the warehouse
cannot believe how well Scott Johnston's car handles sharp turns and
pot holes.
"That thing is really nice to drive and when you scrape the rims on
the curb, you can hardly feel it from the inside of the car" admired
warehouse manager, Richard.
Eti was pleased with the gas mileage adding, "we got to TJ and back
the other night on a single tank of gas".
Turns out it's The Awesome Audi.

Eric Anthony and Tony
Larson just had their regular Cancer Meeting at the back of the warehouse.
They both look so cute with those cigarette stained fingers. We have
good medical insurance so smoke away!

Rad Brad is now on
the Hot Chocolate Tour so Spike had to fly home. Too many celebrities
in one van!

ENTRY #246
TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2003

There was another
typo in my column so I punished us all by not posting anything for a
few days. It was sad.
Wouldn't that be cool if Karl Malone got a big rig for the Laker victory
parade this year? I hope the Lakers organization is as clever as The
Tap and thinks of that.

Mueller is at a three
day bachelor party that he has been sworn into secrecy about. He is
not allowed to tell anyone what he sees at the party and the required
dress is "business casual"? Seems normal.

One of The Carroll
Brothers is about to have a birthday... the one that looks like a bear
cub on a trampoline with two bunnies...

The X-Games after
party at Spike's tonight is going to be SO HOT! WE have Jell-o shots,
a swimming pool and trampolines. I think Spike will be stoked that we
posted it up here on Crail so he doesn't just hear about it on the streets
second hand and bum out.
I know the rules, Spike, shot gun beers outside, strippers inside. Just
like all your parties.

Want to be in an art
show?

ENTRY #245
FRIDAY, AUGUST 15, 2003

I didn't update my
column yesterday because I was so mad at myself for screwing up the
"What's up with The Ricks" section. I put Rickk or RRick twice so there
was not way for anyone to truly know what Rick Raymond and Rick Howard
were up to. Obviously Rick McCrank was correct but I really messed up.
I'm going to punish all of us by not updating this column again until
tomorrow.

I would like to say
that I bet Karl Malone is smart enough to trademark his corporation.

ENTRY #244
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2003

Guess what today is?
The 13th, fool. And why is that another special Karl Malone day? Because
he ranks 13th in most points per game overall in the NBA (27.3). I think
it's safe to say there's always an open seat at the awesome table for
Karl. In fact, I think it is also safe to say that Sal Barbier would
give up his seat at the awesome table if Karl needed to sit down.

Do you know the difference
between a $400 microphone and an $1100 microphone? Spike does but it's
too complex for mere mortals like you and I to grasp.

Gino is so straight
edge now that he can get hammered from a Baileys Chocolate shake. Pretty
cool.

As I write this, Mikey
is somewhere in the Playboy mansion drunk saying cute things to Playboy
bunnies that probably are asking themselves: Is he dumber then we are
or is that just an act? It's just an act but if you had any idea how
effective that retarded attempt at seeming like he's some sort of small
fluffy animal has worked over the years, you'd gag.

Ty's pissed.

After only a brief
visit, we are offering Buscemi back to his friends in the east. He doesn't
know "Kobe Etiquette" so we need to shake him now before he gets comfortable.
We don't want anything in trade, just take the little traitor off our
hands. Oh and Knicks fans, if the entire Laker team was in jail for
the season, you still couldn't make the playoffs. Cheer for The Mets
or The Yankees or some team that doesn't make you sad you're from NY.
Like The Bills.

What about in Grease
when John Travolta runs into Sandy after thinking she went back home
after summer and they start singing Summer Lovin'? How much do you love
that scene? Not so much.

What's up with The
Ricks? Rrick is probably within three days of an illegal fireworks ticket,
Rick is enjoying spring in the North and Rrick is kickin' back with
a Bud Light and some good friends.

ENTRY #243
TUESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2003

A little bird told
me that a big mean angry Bird doesn't like my Karl Malone fun facts.
Care.
The special days just keep coming! Today is the 12th which is the same
number that Karl ranks in the efficiency of 48 minutes of play in the
NBA. And 12 might also be the number of people in front of Bird in line
to try and get into the X-Games without a pass.

Someone sent me an
angry e-mail that included the line, "you don't know shit about cinema".
If I didn't know shit about cinema then how would I know that John Travolta
was awesome in Face Off? Gotcha!

What's up with The
Ricks? Rickk is at Starbucks where he cracks himself up by telling them
his name is Cory, Rick is still just being that model citizen in Vancouver
and Rrick better have a really good excuse for letting his column go
to hell in a neat little hand basket.

Marc J might have
smoked a cigarette before he got to Girl just now. He doesn't like stalkers,
Megan's crownfarmer t-shirt and long lines at Home Depot. He does like
coffee, walks on the beach and airplane flights where people don't cough
their germs everywhere.

I checked to see what
the deal was on the bunny trademarks. You can use a picture of a bunny
but you can't use the likeness of The Energizer Bunny. I am not sure
why I am calling them bunnies and not rabbits. It's weird, I start to
write this column and then I just drift. Just now I was thinking about
cream cheese and bagels and also about this park in San Francisco. I
wonder if I have some sort of attention disease. I guess you can't die
from not being able to pay attention, right? Or Rickk would have been
history years ago. What was I even saying? Maybe Transworld was right
and Crail serves no purpose. No, that isn't possible, we're too valuable.
I mean you can't go to any other site and find out where McCrank is,
you have to come here. You could maybe call SoleTech and they would
tell you when he would be on tour but we tell you exactly what he's
up to.

ENTRY #242
MONDAY, AUGUST 11, 2003

Another special Karl
Malone day? How could that be possible? I'll tell you how, when you're
a Laker, everyday feels like a special treat wrapped in taffy. Today
is the 11th and that is special because Karl Malone ranks 11th in the
NBA league for steals per game.
On a side note, I heard that Karl Malone took his shirt off on The Best
Damn Sports Ever and "he was hot as hell". I think Rickk told me that.

If you don't want
to wet the bed, then you shouldn't drink three hours before going to
bed. At least that is what the trainer taught Chick. Next, Chick is
going to go to kick boxing and maybe Blue will find out what it feels
like to get his ass beat.

I guess Megan's twin
sister may have cursed out the Carroll Brothers over the weekend. Megan
wanted to apologize on her behalf, that twin is a total bitch.

Guess who's about
to be a So Cali local? Buscemi! That's right, we wanted him on this
coast so we got him. We have a few people we are willing to send east
in trade so let us know if you're interested.

What's up with The
Ricks? Rickk is skating for one hour in the Girl Park, Rick is in Vancouver
being a model citizen and Rrick better be settling down to his computer
to write a column.

Bob K said that bunnies
belong to everyone and other people feel like the bunnies are the property
of other people. What I'm trying to say is... remember in Phenomenon
when John Travolta wanted to get the bunnies out of his yard and he
devised a system? Me, too.

ENTRY #241
SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 2003

Today is the 10th
and do you know why that is special? Because Karl Malone is ranked 10th
among NBA players to make the most free throws in 48 minutes. I like
special days.

Although he was once
a cult leader and is now banned from The Tap, The Mez knows how to put
together an awesome seating arrangement. Props to The Meza's for that
as well as deciding to go forward in wedded bliss known simply as "Daaron".

Remember in Phenomenon
when John Travolta goes back to the bar after all that weird shit happened
with the lightning and his old bar buddies vibed him? That would suck,
right? I mean you realize you have these powers and then you think you'll
chill with your bros and use them and they all just dis you. Lame.

I'm tired, this column
will rip tomorrow.

ENTRY #240
THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 2003

Guess what we would
be doing if it was July 24th? We would be having a party with cupcakes
for Karl Malone's birthday!

Harsh Hair Update:
Atiba is rocking something in between dread locks and a homeless guy,
Frosty has split ends, Greg only washes his hair once a week and uses
a lighter wax then he used to and Mikey's still rocking that guy you
always see off to the side of the shot on a porno set.

Colors have been chosen
for paint as well as the wood color for Mikey's floors. He has still
not decided what to do with the landscape so he is still overwhelmed
until the early part of next year.
He did manage to take in a Dodger game but who wouldn't when your team
mate is throwing out the first pitch?

Someone went pee on
Spike's shoes on Tuesday.

I know a lot of you
have still not rented or purchased the classic, PHENOMENON. What are
you waiting for? This is John Travolta's best work (if you don't include
Grease) and the earthquake scene is breathtaking. Go get it, i wouldn't
steer you wrong.

I'm going to go now,
Bob K has taken the next month off so I have to go steal shit out of
his office. I hope he still has that special Travis Pastrana doll.

ENTRY #239
TUESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2003

A Karl Malone fun
fact? Why not? The most minutes The Mailman ever played in a game was
in February of 1992 against the Bulls. He played 57 minutes. Pretty
awesome, right?

"What's up with The
Rickks" has a new Rick in it and that would be Rick Raymond. Howard
is spelled RICKK, McCrank is spelled RICK and Raymond is spelled RRICK.
I don't know what is up with Rickk and Rick but Rrick seems to be hanging
out with Mr. Larue a little too much. Let's get that column updated,
who do you think you are? Mikey?

Holy paint chip! Mikey
had so many shades of eggshell/white/light grey on little squares of
paper yesterday that I am now color blind. Everything I look at just
seems to be some sort of beige. That could be the name of an emo band,
Some Sort of Beige. Or maybe not.
As far as decorating the Casa De Carroll, Mikey has a Fourstar Street
Pirate Wall clock and that's about it. Doesn't look like his episode
of Cribs is anywhere in the near future.

Just out of the clear
blue, Lee Dupont asked us to fire Ty Evans, Andy Jenkins, Rick Howard
and he would like us to shake Frosty. He's a mean person. Must be from
hating the Lakers for so many years.

I would like to recommend
that people rent the great film epic, PHENOMENON. It has a great message.
Well, maybe there is no message. I'm not sure, I think the message is
"if your friends have psychic power, be cool to them".

ENTRY #238
MONDAY, AUGUST 4, 2003

Remember when The
Jazz got eliminated last year and Karl Malone cried? That was sad. Sometimes
I just post things up here that are sad. I wonder if after Bird saw
Karl cry, that he posted it up on his website with some funny caption
like, "oh, I guess the mailman got soap in his eye". Probably.

Buscemi is trying
to step in with "i have the cutest dog" crap. Jon, didn't we already
go down this road with Bones and Blue (who likes to make sure the other
dogs he plays with get something amputated)? Chick is the cutest dog
and for god sake, he just got his toe amputated, how about a grace period
before you talk shit on the poor guy?

What's up with the
Ricks? Rickk is recovering from a harsh weekend trying to fit in at
the US Open in HB and Rick has no idea that DVS had a slip and slide
at the contest for all the hot young ladies to slide down. I might be
going out on a limb here but I just don't see McCrank cheering on girls
as they slide down a slip and slide in a bikini.

When we were little
and my mom used to say "get your rear in gear" we would always say back,
really quiet so she couldn't hear us "or get your butt checked". I'm
just trying to illustrate the fact that I have had this knack for humor
for decades, I was born with it I guess.

Mikey was faced with
a small issue of the tile on the fireplace being the same as the tile
on the walkway up to his house. He hasn't mentioned it until Friday
so he either decided it wasn't weird or is still waiting on the answer
from the 64 people he runs each decorating idea by.
Rick suggested Mikey keep a notebook of things that he sees that he
likes which created a whole new issue of what kind of notebook to keep.
How about a navy blue spiral bound one?

ENTRY #237
SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 2003

Karl Malone? Yes,
he's my favorite Laker. Lee Dupont? Same deal.

We will soon be posting
a graph and chart to show you that Bob K and Megan are in the lead.

Didn't get a chance
to talk color chips with Mikey today or tell him that I found him a
mail order bride. The bride is Romanian, not so cute but he's not picky.
She wants to "serve an American man and make his dreams come true".
Bingo, married! I have to think of a way to break it to The Mezas that
they are walking down the aisle with another couple. I think Aaron will
be down but Diana may need some persuading. Oh well, we'll worry about
that next weekend. And when you think about it, what's the big deal
with sharing the aisle? Diana better not trip, we're all bros.

Did you hear about
the special club that only Staba, Jenkins and Lewman are members of?
So special and secretive and prestigious and all kinds of other fake
shit that makes you think you matter. Stay tuned. There may be an Abeyta
"we're jumping you in, bitch" ceremony just around the corner.

Is it safe to say
that Phenomenon is the best movie ever made? Cool. How awesome is the
part where he is dealing with the rabbits? Rabbits are cool. Ruby has
a rabbit t-shirt or maybe even a sticker coming out that Bob K did.
He's cutting edge, did you get that memo? We thought we couldn't use
the rabbit but we can... I'll stop now before Bob sends me an e-mail
that says, "check out who's pissed off at us....". Those are funny.
We got one today that just said "FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
You have to start to wonder if people hate us... no way, we're too rad.

Harsh Spike Update:
Spike has recently crashed a car in Spain that he offered to pay the
damage on and he has also put it out there that if Megan does not go
on a solo week long vacation, he is going to punch her in both eyes.
We'll sue him for both so watch your back, Spiegel.

ENTRY #236
THURSDAY, JULY 31, 2003

I love Karl Malone.
He's my new favorite Laker. That's right.

I have a good plan
in the event that I am on an airplane that gets high jacked. I'm going
to take my sock off and put all the coins I have in it and then I am
going to encourage all the other passengers to do the same. The only
problem is that I have the courage of a two day old lamb so by the time
I even realize the plane is getting high jacked, I'll already be dead
from a heart attack. Feel free to use my plan, though. No charge.

Mikey's home purchase
took a sharp turn down panic road yesterday. He was all ready to "antique"
one of the walls in the house when Megan informed him that in some circles,
this is considered tacky. We haven't seen him in about 12 hours so if
you see a guy with a paint chip book on a bridge, call us so we can
talk him down.

It's Bird's Birthday
today. Cool.

Remember in "Field
of Dreams" in the last scene where they are playing catch and it's all
sad? That was sad.

Harsh Hair Update:
Mikey has let his hair grow out and he looks like the one guy from Blue
Oyster Cult, Greg is still all slicked and oiled each day, Megan cut
5 inches off her hair and only Chuck noticed and Nick still looks like
he sprayed his on.

Frosty is in hard
training for the X-Games. He's going out every night, staying up late,
eating junk food, drinking coffee. Pretty much all the things that he
does before a big win.

ENTRY #235
WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2003

Lakers have Horace
Grant now. Mark Madsen is on the Timberwolves and that is why I don't
need to update this column.

ENTRY #234
SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2003

Means nothing to hardly
anyone but it is a date that sticks with me. Doesn't really matter why,
we all have them. Just a particular day that stays with you. Not like
your birthday, different. Maybe better, maybe worse. As my mom used
to say, "don't mark your calendar, your memory will be offended".
I never knew Jon Buscemi when Keenan was alive. I met him a few times,
that was it. In not knowing him, I didn't know I would have a friend
in him. He was the head chef at the Howard Manor BBQ one year where
Bird brought generic sour cream. That's another disaster...
One year, the 27th of July was a long, weird, sad lame day. I felt like
I could not do things right and that I was unaware of all things that
"should" be done. I did my best that day but it truly sucked. Beginning
to end.
I was going to try and make a point, try and explain that on those days
when it feels like you have fucked up beyond comeback, you can come
back, things will feel normal but I can't figure out how to do that.
At more then a few points in life, I'm pretty sure you'll feel like
complete crap, things will seem doomed and you will be baffled by wonder.
As gay as it sounds, you'll be stoked again. Seriously, in your own
way, you always can if you want. I think, I hope...
Rickk will tell you his interpretation of a lap dance, The Gav will
skid his bike tires into your drive way and Mikey will call you and
ask you if you file your medical insurance in the same file as your
car insurance. Ty won't quit, Spike won't know and Jenkins will return.
You'll have each other and then some. It's like a little jackpot on
the back burner.
I keep meaning to tell Buscemi about that day but Fuck it. I should
call him and tell him I'm stoked we're friends. Or maybe just talk shit
on The Gav. Yeah, talking shit on The Gav, that's always less stressful
then trying to be sincere.
And "sincere" makes The Tap look like we aren't street. And dude, we're
so street, it hurts.

ENTRY #233
FRIDAY, JULY 25, 2003

There was a big party
last night welcoming The Glove and The Mailman to The Lakers. It looked
fun.
Actually whenever I see waiters serving champagne, the party looks fun.
Mikey didn't go to that party. He is in "the world is coming to an end"
mode so a party is not where he needs to be.

Mikey's hair is really
growing but girls don't like Mikey as much as they used to so he may
have to pay for a haircut. Lame. Maybe Frosty can show him how to style
it. I think Mikey's hair needs to be layered so it flows nicer.

Mikey is not buying
CD's anymore, "music sucks".

Mikey is not buying
shoe's anymore, "shoes pretty much suck".

Mikey's rad.

ENTRY #232
THURSDAY, JULY 24, 2003

Not sure if The Glove
reads this column but if he does and he still has not found a place
to live, he can move in. I have to move out because Phish fans moved
in upstairs and I can't take it anymore. Gary, the place is right on
the beach and you can see dolphins every morning. Let me know.

Blue is no longer
named Pooh. He bought a gift for Chick and made Chick a card so things
are cool now. Poor Blue, every one thinks he's a big bully at 5 pounds.

The Gav is at Boomers
Family Fun Center. Our bet is that he's doing some sort of water gun
arcade game. What's yours?

What's up with The
Rick's? Rickk is really sweaty in the Girl park right now and Rick wishes
he was sweaty but not in the Girl park. Rick likes the way sweat makes
his tan look.

I think that Guess
Who song, NO TIME, is sort of stupid. It's a long story or I would tell
you. I like when people say "But to make a long story short..." and
then someone cuts in and goes "too late". I guess I like when people
are mean to people. That can't be a good trait.

Kenny Anderson was
here with a whole film crew. Then our CPA showed up and that's also
a long story. And stupid too.

I wonder if I should
change the name of this column to LONG AND STUPID...hmm.

This is real this
time. Remember that time I was making shit up that Mike and Rick said
about each other just to get them in a fight? That was awesome but this
really happened: Mike was going over the same point a million times
so Rick was like "over you, dude" and hung up and then asked me if I
would call Mikey and speak to him as if he was a child and so I called
Mike and he was doing the same thing so I said "I can't deal with you"
and hung up on him. Then Rick called me and we both agreed Mikey is
fucking annoying. But he's cool to hang around.

ENTRY #231
WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 2003

I wonder where Karl
Malone is going to live when he plays for The Lakers. Probably Fontana.
Or maybe Norco. Lovely cities, both of them.

The Podium sales meeting
is underway right now in lovely Santa Ana. I wonder how many times Mikey
rolled his eyes before lunch time.

E-mail sucks sometimes
because when people irritate you, it's hard to let them know when you
e-mail back. Greg Carroll makes things in big bold letters when he's
pissed or trying to get a point across but just plain irritation would
be a little different. That could be a cool added feature to an e-mail,
right below SUBJECT it could say MOOD. Forget it, that idea sucks. I
have so many bad ideas I can't sleep at night. (That is only funny to
Jenkins but if you think about it, usually this column is funny to no
one so I'm up).

What's up with the
Ricks? Rickk is at the Podium sales meeting and Rick wishes he was at
the Podium sales meeting. He loves meetings, Podium and Santa Ana so
he'd be in heaven but he wasn't invited so he's bumming.

Larson is smoking
again. Loser. He said, "I smoke about 10 a day and about 700 when I
drink". Pretty nice little health plan he's got set up.

McKinley and Jeron
are playing pool just outside my office. Actually, Jeron is watching
Robbie play. That's a new game. I bet Robbie will win. Get it? He's
playing alone. (That was funny to more than one person, I think Emmet
still checks this site).

Scott Johnston brought
Blue to Girl to play with Chick and it only cost Chick $700. That's
about right for a play date, right? Until Chick get's his bright green
YEAH RIGHT cast off, Blue is now known as Pooh. And I don't mean Winnie.

ENTRY #230
TUESDAY, JULY 22, 2003

"We've got all kinds
of fun activities lined up over at Boomers Family Fun Center" - The
Gav, with a straight face over crab legs and a Corona

ENTRY #229
MONDAY, JULY 21, 2003

Can't seem to post
any Laker news. Weird.

Kelly Bird and Mike
Carroll are in the midst of planning a bachelor party for The Mez. Keep
in mind that The Mez doesn't drink any alcohol of any kind.
Bird and Carroll obviously are seeing the "hired dancers" as the key
ingredient to the event and other then Bob K and Megan, Bird and Carroll
hold it down as the stupidest drunks.
What does this all mean? The Mez is celebrating wedded bliss to the
lovely Diana by watching Bird and Carroll with slurred speech and bad
pick up lines hit on dirty strippers.

I was going to fill
you in on prison conditions in Romania because I know that is something
you all wonder about when you are trying to get to sleep at night but
it was $7 to download the article and I thought to myself, "well, Crail
never charges for it's hard hitting news so why should we pay for it"?.
That and the fact that I was too lazy to type my credit card number
in.

What's up with The
Rick's? Well, Rickk had to miss the Vancouver portion of the High Five's
tour so he went body surfing and worked on his base coat. Rick went
to the demo and then went home. Anyone who has seen McCrank with his
shirt off knows that his base coat is the last thing he needs to worry
about.

Lot of talk about
dancing around here lately, I hope we're not getting soft. Oh wait,
Bob K just walked by with his sox pulled up to his knees, we're no where
in the vicinity of soft.

Did you know that
Mikey picked the paint colors for his house with just one other person
involved? I swear, I thought it was a lie too but it's the truth.
Let's wait until the "curtains or blinds" issue presents itself......it's
over at that point.

One of the Jefferson
Brothers shot a lot of photos for Girl and forgot to invoice us. SHHHHHH!

ENTRY #228
FRIDAY, JULY 18, 2003

No column today because
I don't appreciate the guy that writes the RANDOMS talking shit on the
way I promise my column will be better tomorrow.
That's how we do it here at RING RING RING, we strive to improve but
I guess that isn't enough for Big Bully Bob.
If we make up over the weekend, I'll return to work but for now FUCK
THE TAP.

ENTRY #227
THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2003

I heard Magic Johnson
say that in acquiring The Glove and The Mailman that The Lakers not
only got two great ball players but they also got "two stand up guys".
Look, I love The Lakers and I'm backing any great player (except Duncan)
that becomes a Laker but "stand up guys"? Malone has almost killed at
least a dozen people with those 200 pound elbows and The Glove? He should
be called The Kid Glove, he's such a baby. It's fine to embrace the
new players, let's not re-write history in the process.

The Hime can take
a crap that is almost two feet long. He wanted us to put footage of
the task on The Tap but we don't put people crapping on The Tap. I must
say, the coaching from The Gav who filmed the event is really inspiring,
I cried when I heard him encourage Hime with "push like you've never
pushed".
Oh, and for the record, The Hime is on the market again, The Gav got
a girlfriend and he dumps The Hime like a bad habit every time he gets
in a relationship.

Cutting edge journalism,
so hot right now.

Blue, Scott J's new
dog that is so cute, he's half as cute as Chick has been hanging out
with Sal's dog who is also about as half as cute as Chick. But that's
not the issue. The issue is that Chick kept throwing up so he had to
go to the vet. They needed to take his temperature so of course I have
to think about the fact that he's a 3 pound dog which means his butt
is pretty tiny.
He did a sort of high pitched opera tune until the doctor pulled the
thermometer out of his butt. He's better now but he's sort of a little
reserved and keeping to himself. That's what happens when you get something
large put n your butt, right Mikey? Like an apple, right?

We have our eye on
Ellesmere Island for our new distribution location. It gets so cold
there that there will probably be times when we are snowed in at the
warehouse and have to hang out with each other on the weekend.
I just think that would be funny because some people here bug the shit
out of each other if they got stuck around each other for even more
then just the week days, it would escalate into actual full contact
brawls. That would be so cool to finally see Abeyta snap and just get
Larson in a full death hold.
Other than that, it pretty much sucks as a location.

Lori D didn't take
too kindly to rules being made for the Pismo camp excursion just for
her so we added a few that are specifically for certain campers:
No Hooters Girls (Come on McCrank, grow out of that)
No Bottle Rockets in peoples pockets (Rickk, be a leader for once)
No Axl Rose cover bands (Sprout, leave the G and R at home)

ENTRY #226
WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2003

I'm like, super busy
today but tomorrow this column is going to be so good, you're actually
going to cry.

ENTRY #225
TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2003

Every time we start
to get a little rhythm going with this column, someone steps in and
throws us for a loop. I wanted to keep you updated on The Haters but
Tig, the racist ignorant inbred little prick from Florida, took things
to a new level with his current e-mail.
You'll just have to trust me that The Haters are goofs but they're still
invited to the parade.

Harsh Hair Update:
McCrank is sporting a "Hey, I'm from BC" feathered look, Ty has gone
back to his natural color, Staba is sporting what looks to be a slight
rip off of McCranks hair style with a Euro flair and Bob K still claiming
he isn't rocking any hair product. Sure Bob.

We're going to Pismo
Beach again this year instead of going to the trade show. Jenkins has
laid a few ground rules for this years party because as someone mentioned
yesterday, "Jenkins is the most sensible person in the building".
New Rules for Pismo
1. If Bob K goes in the ocean drunk, we don't go after him
2. No shotgunning beers until after 10AM
3. No face plants in the sand (That rule is just for Lori D but good
for everyone to keep in mind).

Just spoke to the
High Fives Traveling Mystery Tour and they would like the following
people banned from The Tap:
The Jefferson Brothers

Someone that works
here at Girl has a neighbor that just bought the box set of DVD's about
The Civil War. She likes to tell this Girl employee the story each morning
as she makes her way through the set.
The Girl employee is kind and would never say, "Hey brainiac, we went
through this time line in Western Civilization when we were 11, didn't
we"?
Nope, instead this kind person just nods and says things like, "that
is amazing that we fight a war like that on our own soil". Once again,
time to move.

ENTRY #224
MONDAY, JULY 14, 2003

FLORIDIAN HATERS bring
home the gold for the second day in a row. I have a sneaky little feeling
that with an assmunch like Tig on their team, they are going to be bringing
the gold home quite often.
"Shaq has sucked since the day he got in the league" - Tig from Florida
I haven't heard from Bird today because he's busy with some Lakai stuff
but he could come through and dethrone Tig and Lee Dupont is steering
clear of The Tap so Tig doesn't have that competition.

The other reason why
we aren't moving the distribution to Romania is because it's too close
to the Czech Republic and Rickk will be like, "Why can't we have our
warehouse in the Czech Republic, it's nice there and they have good
tomato soup". And the next thing you know, we have two warehouses and
it would just be total bullshit so we're not doing it. I wonder if the
cops in The Czech Republic are too lazy to jump over a wall and catch
a burglar. Hmmm.

Harsh Hair Update:
Carnahan is no longer greasing his locks back, they are sort of soft
and shiny. Maybe it's his summer look. Eric Anthony has had a sun burned
head for about two weeks so he looks sort of like a new born polar bear
with the short blond do that he's sporting.
And no big deal but Rickk is so hot right now with a fashion mohawk.
That's how Rickk does it, right when the trend is on its way out, he
jumps on it like a bear trapping a salmon.

ENTRY #223
SUNDAY, JULY 13, 2003

Apologies for the
lag in the updates. I have been bombarded with mail from The Laker Haters
ever since the news was announced that The Mailman and The Glove were
coming to The Lakers. Debating with these people isn't easy, they're
deep and quick thinkers so you have to be on your toes. It all takes
me back to listening to my sister and her best friend really breaking
down the issue of which Hardy Boy was hotter, Parker or Shaun.
I feel like a failure for the time I spent going back and forth with
these folks but to make the whole experience a positive deal, I have
decided to divide the Haters in to 3 groups and choose the Dipshit,
I mean Hater of all time. I figure this gives one lucky Hater some sort
of merit in their life. The Haters are being divided into three groups:
TEXAN HATERS
FLORIDIAN HATERS
FAT IGNORANT ASSHOLES
There is some cross over in the three groups but these titles are what
distinguish them the most.
I will post the most retarded quote up to that point each day and you
can see for yourself who is in the lead.
"Malone will finally show Kobe what discipline is" - Tig from Florida
(And an awesome honorable mention, "What about when you guys celebrated
Shaq's birthday?" - Bird from Texas.)
Tune in tomorrow to see if the TEXAN HATERS or the FAT IGNORANT ASSHOLES
come through and knock the sox right off THE FLORIDIAN HATERS.

We're not moving the
distribution to Romania. Creates too many immigration issues and then
Greg and Mikey will be gone all day at Romanian Pride marches and we'll
all wish we just stayed in Torrance where the mini trucks are detailed
and the police won't climb over a 6 foot fence even if the alarm company
tells them there is movement in the building.

Ever buy a car and
then realize it has the power of a moped? Sucks, right? I mean unless
before the moped you had a bike or a razor scooter. Then a gutless car
rocks.

You know that song
HOT BLOODED by Foreigner? Well, one night I had a dream that I changed
the lyrics in it and it was about a fat guy and it went "got a waist
line of 103" instead of "got a fever of 103". Pretty awesome dreaming
things like that, I know it seems like I'm bragging but I'm just sharing.

Guess who's birthday
it is today? Wrong! IT's Patrick Stewart from Star Trek. I heard he
doesn't like to be remembered as Patrick Stewart because he had done
all sorts of theater that people don't know about but whatever. He's
lucky I even mentioned his birthday. The only reason that I did was
because I was reading the paper today and there was his picture.

ENTRY #222
THURSDAY, JULY 10, 2003

We're thinking about
moving our distribution to Romania. If we do, we'll have a different
800 number so check back.

ENTRY #221
WEDNESDAY, JULY 9, 2003

The Mailman, The Glove
and Daddy? Are we The Perverts or The Lakers?

ENTRY #220
TUESDAY, JULY 8, 2003

Malone in purple and
gold. I wonder if Sal and Kelly will buy the home color jersey's or
the away color. Hmmm.

It's sort of confusing
in that LOVERBOY song where he is singing about working for the weekend
and then all of the sudden he sort of switches his voice and asks "you
want a piece of my heart"?.
I don't understand why he says that right after talking about everyone
working for the weekend. Maybe he is trying to show that if you work
all the time, even weekends, you eventually snap. Maybe.

It's weird that Jenkins
thinks the picture of Megan in suspenders ended up on Crail but the
picture of him in suspenders is safe. I wonder why he would think that.
Maybe he thinks he still works at Wizard publications where people were
mature and kind. No, we all worked there together, too. Maybe he's the
guy in the LOVERBOY song that worked weekends and snapped.

ALL MY CHILDREN is
going so many kinds of off! Yesterday Erica had a meltdown in the rain
and flashed back to when she got attacked. Bianca walked home in the
storm after almost making out with her girlfriend only to come home
to the power out and Psycho Michael Cambias in the living room. She
goes, "You're not going to leave are you?" and he's all, "It depends
on if you give me what I want". He's been trying to steal the anti-aging
cream formula so I bet if she gives him that, he'll split.

Scott Johnston, just
like Anne Hufnagel, tried to challenge Chick to a "I have a cuter dog
then you" contest only to totally lose. Chick is the cutest dog in the
whole world.
I wonder where that weird poodle Nick used to have is.

Not one to be left
out, Chico joined Mikey, Ty and Lardog in the "Kick my ass" club. Cheeks
didn't want to talk about it but I checked with Ty and he's officially
in the club.

ENTRY #219
MONDAY, JULY 7, 2003

I wonder how hard
Rickk and Frosty are going to try and back pedal if Malone ends up on
The Lakers...
Rickk already was overheard saying, "I never said Malone had the ugliest
game, I said Stockton".
He actually said both of them had the ugliest game but whatever.

In a discussion about
guns, Rickk went the redneck route and claims he could rob a bank with
a motorcycle. He probably can so let's keep the "prove it" comments
to a minimum.

It's hard to tell
who's more excited about The Gav's Phish tour, Hime or Rudy. I think
Hime hides his emotions so he probably is more excited but really hard
to tell due to how thrilled both of them were.

Remember in Phenomenon
with John Travolta when the town was having that book fair thing and
everyone wanted to see his psychic powers but once he did some scary
stuff with his powers everyone was all bummed? I can't remember what
the point was. I wonder if there wasn't one. Again.

Ty's in NY with Gino.
That's all.

I'm pretty sure this
column might get shut down for sucking so you might want to read it
a few extra times for when it is gone.

ENTRY #218
WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2003

I just got an e-mail
from Lee Dupont asking if I could help him get a Magic Johnson jersey.
Looks like he's in for the coming season. Nice to see a turn around
like that. Next thing you know Bird's going to pull into the parking
lot with a Laker's flag on his car.
You know what's funny? I could talk Bird into being a Laker fan, I really
could. It would take about three weeks and I swear I could reel him
in. I just don't because I'm busy but if I had some extra time...

The Hime has black
balled us so in return, we are going to start listing one secret each
day that The Hime told us not to tell.
We'll start tomorrow, OK Hime?

Mikey got the keys
to the house. He also took 75 digital photos of a house nearby that
he wants his house to look like. Would have been weird to buy the house
that looks like a house he wants, right?
Also, Mikey feels like he can not be himself lately because he isn't
sure what will end up on Crail and what we keep inside the friendship.
Here's a brief list of things that we consider sacred and will not end
up on The Tap:
1. The New Year's Eve Story
2. The Europe Story
3. The Korea Story

Ty has started another
video. He's in NY with Gino as I type. Whatever, BRYCE!

Bob K is having trouble
with people thinking they are funnier than him. He is seeing a therapist
and is pretty sure he will be able to work through this soon. But until
he does, don't say anything even sort of funny to him.

ENTRY #217
TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2003

I guess Lee Dupont
wants to be a Laker fan but he's skeered so that has been called off
and I'm not sure but I think he is having Rickk deported. In other Laker
news, Rickk is hoping the Laker organization shops Derek Fisher around.

Spike has announced
that whoever Ty has beef with, Spike has beef with. (Ty, can you get
that list of people faxed over so we can let Spike know who he needs
to vibe?)

Yesterday when Snackmaster
Smyth was preparing his lunch in the Girl kitchen, he decided that he
could no longer take the chirping of the pet cricket that Bob and Megan
had living in the kitchen. Being the courageous man that he is, he got
a can of Raid, sprayed it in the crack where JoJo (that's what Bob and
Meg named their cricket) was chirping, and the chirping stopped. He
then continued preparing his lunch after the murder.
Nice work, Sam, and good luck in the coming year, you're going to need
it.

Mikey got his cell
phone back. He called the hotel and told them to please check his room
as he knows he left it in there. So they did and they found it. How
do you like them apples?

Last night I had a
dream that The Hime bought a convertible Mustang and he came by Girl
with the top down and Led Zeppelin playing really loud. That dream wouldn't
be weird if in real life Rickk hadn't once pulled into the parking lot
in a bright blue Acura with Led Zeppelin playing really loud.
The only difference in the dream and real life is that Hime was in a
cooler car.
Hmm....

The rager at The Gav's
house has been moved to Saturday from Friday to make it easier on people
that might get stuck in traffic. And again, let's not tell The Gav as
he's out of town that night and we don't want him worrying that people
are going to be spilling margaritas on the carpet.
Also, we're only serving white wine just in case of spills. And barfing.
Have you ever barfed from red wine? Me neither but Marc Johnson has
and he said it's a "nightmare to get out of light colored carpet".

ENTRY #216
MONDAY, JUNE 30, 2003

Well, that update
I promised you on Lee Dupont and a secret love for the Lakers is being
put on a temporary hold. It seems Lee may not be ready to come forward
with his passion for the purple and gold and I think that needs to be
respected. These things need to be approached carefully. Remember when
we brought Hime out of the spinning closet a little too fast? He could
hardly get his rainbow headband back on and concentrate to get back
to the gym. And although Hime came to appreciate what Crail was doing
for him, he was a little shocked at the time.
So in learning from our mistakes, we'll take this one a little slower.
(Lee also claims to have some photos that would damage the Girl name.
I hope for the sake of everyone, he was never present with a camera
for the Mikey Apple trick).

Today's Honourary
Crail Canadian is Rick McCrank. Remember? It's always him. He's the
Honourary Crail Canadian for life. It's silly to even put this up here,
it's as if we serve no purpose.

Mikey didn't lose
his wallet this past weekend, he lost his cell phone. I guess the wallet
thing was getting too easy, and with Sam losing his recently, also getting
a little trendy.This time Mikey
has lost his cell phone. "It's weird because one minute I had it and
then the next thing I know it's gone".
According to sources, that time in between having it and it being gone
included about 12 margaritas.
So if you're a friend of Mikey's (or part of his apple dumpling gang)
send him an e-mail with your phone number. He would appreciate it. I
think he should just start a new life with his Friendster friends and
shine the old ones but I guess he wants to hang on to a few of the old
pals.

If anyone has one
of those Whisper 2000 microphones that you stick towards people talking
to better hear their conversation, can you let us know? Bob K tries
to eaves drop on the meetings at the Girl meeting table but he keeps
getting the details mixed up when he goes to repeat things.

ENTRY #215
FRIDAY, JUNE 27, 2003

LEE DUPONT WANTS TO
BE A LAKER FAN!
More on Monday.

ENTRY #214
THURSDAY, JUNE 26, 2003

Last night I couldn't
fall asleep trying to decide if I should be a Kings fan or a Ducks fan
when the NHL season starts. I live about 20 miles from each arena so
I guess it just comes down to do I look better in purple in turquoise
or silver and black. I hate these tough decisions.

If you get a chance,
read the Lakai news because it is about to get a new editor. Oh, if
I don't get a hold of you, Kelly, fun while it lasted. Thanks for the
memories.

Guess which Carroll
brother went on a Apple Streusel Friendster date?

Guess which Tershay
brother is back on Friendster?

Guess which McCrank
brother might get a signature Ruby guitar pick?

Enough guessing. Let's
spin!

If anyone sees Rickk
entering a casino this weekend, can you offer him some Skittles to sort
of distract him? The guy goes back every now and then to "win his money
back" and every time, Vegas is a little wealthier of a city.

Guess what Bob K might
be getting for his birthday from Megan? A land otter! Since Megan can't
take care of it, she's going to buy it for Bob and he will love it and
walk it and put it in a backpack and cruise around Venice. Shh! It's
a surprise, but you "otter" know that. (That was with no formal comedy
training, seriously).

ENTRY #213
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25, 2003

I saw Shaq on TV last
night and he looked so fat! Start working out, Blubber Stain, or we're
going to get knocked out of the playoffs again next year.

WHAT THE HELL DOES
THAT MEAN is on hiatus for a while. (Call me later Tim and I'll explain
what "hiatus" means).
Last night when The Gav and I were talking, he used three syllable words
in three different sentences and he used them all correctly. I was so
impressed that I decided to take a look at other parts of The Gav. Coming
soon we will be keeping you posted on the newest snacks that The Gav
is stocking at his house. His current favorite, "those new Snicker cookie
things... holy shit".

Harsh Hair Update:
Ever seen Mikey with his shirt off? (I know half the female population
in LA just nodded, yes). He has a sort of light feathered fur on his
shoulders. It's actually really beautiful.

Just so Mikey isn't
mad at me, HARSH ROMANIA UPDATE: The Romanian Prime Minsister, Adrian
Nastase is asking once again that Romania be included in NATO during
the next round of alliance expansion. I'll keep you posted on this,
very riveting.

Nick changed his password
on Friendster and all these people are trying to contact him now and
somehow he can't retrieve his messages! If we don't get this solved
by the end of the day today, we might be closed on Thursday and Friday!
This is not good.

Remember yesterday
when I mentioned how great this column was going to be from now on?
How much of a sack of crap was that? It actually got worse, not better.
I guess I have to go back to repeating all the stuff people tell me
to not put up here as well as making up lies about things Rick and Mike
said about each other to get them in a fight. I want to take the high
road but it makes for very boring updates. The High road is The Dry
road. (Just made that up on the spot).

ENTRY #212
TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 2003

Bird and Bob K are
in a huge fight. Bob K dissed some stuff that Bird did for Crail and
now I think the next time they both get a few drinks in them, Bob is
going to kick Bird's ass. Well, actually maybe the other way around.
But can Bird say he's the 3rd Biggest Faker in Skateboarding? No sir!

Rickk and Eric have
patched things up after a nice game of basketball at Podium. The moral
to the story seems to be "Wear a cup". Just a quick shout out to Frosty,
what else needs to happen before you shake Rickk, Mike and The Gav from
your circle of friends? Just checking.

Mommy, Daddy, guess
what Meggy and Bobby almost did? Narcdog!

We're gearing up for
Canada Day! We've got special potato chips only sold in Canada to mark
this special day. And of course beer.

This column has sucked
lately, right? I'm sorry. I get busy and I just don't put my heart into
it, That all changes tomorrow. Starting tomorrow this is going to be
so fascinating. Seriously, just really breath taking and meaningful,
That's tomorrow.