Imagine you’re handling the biggest negotiation of your life – say, peace in the Middle East. You need to leave emotions out of it, right?

“You can’t,” says Daniel Shapiro. As Founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, Shapiro’s seen it first hand: “One can try to leave emotions out, but they are relentlessly there, for better or worse. You cannot avoid emotions any more than you can avoid thoughts. Given that reality, why not use them to be helpful?”

It’s no surprise that emotions can fuel a conflict. What few people realize is that these same dynamics are also a key part of the solution. Shapiro explained how it works in a keynote at Six Seconds’ NexusEQ Conference at Harvard Medical School Conference Center in June 2013.

Emotions Drive War and Peace

What is required to solve the world’s most pressing problems? “It’s easy to image a dynamic at play between Israelis and Palestinians. These parties have a host of differences, and the dominant stance for dealing with those differences tends to be adversarial. They each focus on protecting their side’s interests, which implies winning OVER the other.” But Shapiro explains that it’s nearly impossible to find meaningful resolution from this position.

Moving out of that adversarial stance is central to Dr. Shapiro’s work. In his book, Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate (with Roger Fisher), he makes the case that logic is not enough to achieve resolution. Feelings drive people toward conflict – and toward resolution.

“At the end of the day,” Shapiro says, “the focus of my work is on conflict management: how people can deal with their differences more effectively. Whether it’s an issue between heads of state or husbands and wives, almost universally they approach conflict as adversaries: ‘me versus you.’ This triggers a colorful set of stubborn emotions, which makes digging oneself out of that conflict very difficult.”

At this stage, feelings such as anger, fear, and hurt push people to narrow their focus to zero in on what’s not working instead of building long-term, cooperative relationships.

A small change unlocks the situation. Instead of “facing off,” Shapiro says we need to get on the same side of the issue: “Shift the relational stance so it’s no longer ‘me versus you’ but the two of us working side by side facing a shared problem. This creates a substantial emotional shift.” Now the “colorful set of stubborn emotions” changes to expansive feelings such as curiosity, commitment, and even compassion.

The big challenge is that theoretical knowledge is insufficient. “Conflict resolution requires not just our cognitive understanding of how to deal with differences; it’s also about building our internal resources to be able to implement those processes. The skills of emotional intelligence help people take action to move from dissent to collaboration.”

Solving the Real Problem

In a negotiation or conflict, there is the problem itself (the substance) and there is a surrounding set of emotional and relational issues (the context). Shapiro points out that “typically a negotiation focuses on the substantive issue: the location of an international border, or where to go on vacation. That’s important, but it’s not enough: To maximize value, we need to look beneath that substance to see what’s really driving the conflict – to deal with the emotional dimension effectively.”

There are many powerful skills that Shapiro and colleagues teach at Harvard Law School and in negotiation programs around the world to handle these substantive issues. But to see “underneath” the presenting problem and work with the context, another set of skills is required: The skills of Emotional Intelligence.

Intelligence is the ability to collect data and use it to solve problems. Mathematical intelligence allows us to accurately count, and to use that data to calculate numerical solutions. Emotional intelligence allows us to accurately perceive people, and to use that data to calculate relational solutions.

Using this intelligence of emotions “cuts through” the surface of a problem and brings us to the core. “Politics and ideology, even differing dress, can distance us from others and others from us. We lose sense of the profound possibilities of connection which exist between us —even in the face of an intractable conflict,” says Shapiro. “Emotional intelligence, on some level, is a recognition of our shared humanity, and a set of skills that lets us connect. It’s hard to do, but with training one can do this more effectively. More skills create more choice, which creates more potential value.”

It’s Easy When It’s Easy

“When I’m in a good mood,” Shapiro says, “it’s very easy to express gratitude. When I’m in conflict, it’s much harder. In these tough times, positive emotions are even MORE needed, but very difficult to access.”

“There are a lot of deadly conflicts in our world, and one can quickly lose hope in the possibility of resolution. This is equally true in personal relationships – conflict can feel overbearing and hopeless.” The good news, Shapiro believes, is that “most conflicts CAN be worked out in a generally positive way.”

He points to South Africa and Northern Ireland as examples. Just several years ago, few people believed that stable, positive resolution could occur. Shapiro notes that “those two regions are a testament to the possibility of emotional transformation in a seemingly intractable context. Things aren’t perfect today in either society — but they’ve come far – which should inspire all of us to recognize that the ‘stuckness’ we feel in a tough conflict may not be as intractable as our present emotions suggest.”

Again, Shapiro emphasizes that these examples are not just about negotiation, but reconciliation: “In Northern Ireland and South Africa, they have grappled not just with the substantive differences, but with the emotional complexities driving the conflict – working to create a different emotional context from which a new community could evolve.” At the core, this is an emotional, relational challenge, and the skills of emotional intelligence are paramount: “It comes down to providing support for both dealing with the emotional wounds of the past and building a shared platform for positive future relations.”

World Peace?

While outside negotiators can help in some conflict, Shapiro sees particular power in equipping people with the skills themselves. That’s why the Harvard International Negotiation Program is working with the World Economic Forum to create the world’s first Global Curriculum on Conflict Management for senior global leadership. “Because emotions are incredibly important to effectively deal with conflict, the toolkit includes a core set of five ‘rational’ tools as well as five ‘emotional’ tools.”

At present, they’re teaching top level global and corporate leaders, but Shapiro says the goal is much larger. “What if we could translate and apply this material to youth around the world—so they would have a shared language for dealing with conflict and its emotional side?”

The goal of this work, Shapiro notes, “is not a cessation of difference: It’s the ability to deal well with differences. Whether you are a senior executive or an entry level employee, a parent or child, we all face conflict – the basic human experience is universal.”

Shapiro offers three key insights for all of us to deal well with differences:

Prepare. “The worst time for my wife and I to work on a process for dealing with our conflicts is when we are in the midst of one. The time to learn about emotional intelligence and to sharpen skills in managing conflict is BEFORE it occurs.”

Process matters. “Remember to pay attention not just to ‘what we are fighting about,’ but HOW we are doing so. We are much better off if, prior to a difficult conversation, we jointly clarify how we are going to have the conversation. Are we going to debate? Argue? Listen for 5 minutes to each other’s experience?”

Put emotional intelligence to practice in conflict situations. “Emotional intelligence has been with human beings as long as there have been human beings. You might not have known about the theory of emotional intelligence – but you’ve always had this form of intelligence. Sure, some of us may be more naturally gifted than others, but anyone can benefit from refining these skills. And if you want to master the trade of conflict resolution, refining your emotional intelligence is critical.”

Perhaps the best news is that all these skills can be learned, and that’s a central theme of the NexusEQ Conference in June. Over eighty scientists and practitioners will meet in the Martin Conference Center at Harvard Medical School to share effective applications of emotional intelligence. According to Shapiro, this has bottom line value: “Rational negotiation skills are important, but more often than not, the stumbling blocks I see revolve around how people deal with other people. Emotional intelligence is essential.”

Daniel L. Shapiro, Ph.D., is Founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program. He also is Assistant Professor in Psychology at Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital and affiliated faculty at Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation, where he serves as Associate Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Joshua is one of the world’s preeminent experts on developing emotional intelligence to create positive change. With warmth and authenticity, he translates leading-edge science into practical, applicable terms that improve the quality of relationships to unlock enduring success. Joshua leads the world’s largest network of emotional intelligence practitioners and researchers.

13 Comments

Tauqir
on May 2, 2013 at 1:30 am

An excellent and powerful piece of work, carrying a message of Hope, Possibility, and Optimism: Harvard and the NexusEQ are doing a great job to make life easier for the humanity. The article makes a strong case for Emotional Intelligence; Thanks Josh, and best wishes for June 2013!

We are all in the same team. How many conflicts are resolved just in taking that attitude? Most of us do not relish conflict. I get far more ‘buy in’ from my staff when I listen and do what I can to answer to the collective needs, and they really ‘have my back’, too. When things get stressful they are happy to help management achieve their goals. Love that this movement seems to be getting stronger, it really isn’t complicated or difficult believing in each other!! 🙂

Excellent article! Thank you so much for posting it here.
As an Emotion Code practitioner, I can testify that emotions are an undeniable reality in our life: they are energy in motion, constantly flowing through our field like the blood flowing through our veins. This cannot be ignored or put aside, as you so rightly stated.
In my energy healing work, I assist people in identifying and releasing negative trapped emotions and this is bringing a wonderful positive change in their lives. I strongly believe in “let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me”. We cannot change anyone else but we can work on ourselves to clear our what is holding us down, causing pain, resentment and misery and stealing our joy. If each person does that, there will be a shift, a transformation on a global level.
Thank you, Dr. Shapiro for thinking of the youth. Giving the youth the tools for better communication, perspective and understanding is a wonderful way to assure they have the much needed skills so they will not repeat the mistakes that brought so much suffering to their forefathers and make the world a safer place be to and thrive. Isn’t that what we all want for ourselves and our children and their children?

Outstanding article. It is always about the emotions, no matter how much people insist that emotions should not play a role in logical decision making.

Business fails in this area. The courts fail miserably trying to stifle emotion.

What I liked reading was that emotions drive both conflict (we knew that) and resolution (maybe not all of us thought of it like this).

Emotional Intelligence is undoubtedly the critical missing piece in conflict management or resolution. Until it becomes taught at home, in schools, at the workplace, with it being an expected part of those cultures and until constant refresher “courses” are taught, we will suffer the consequences of not using it.

Hi Michael – I like that paradox (?) too — it’s easy, esp in the midst of conflict, to see some emotion as “bad”… but it’s a huge shift to consider: What if this messy emotional “stuff” is also going to fuel the solution?

Well said about the “messy emotional stuff” also being what can drive the solution if we have the courage to engage in it, learn about it and find the underlying interests, which we might very well be able to effectively address. Not pretty work and it does’ take emotional intelligence as a tool, but what possible rewards.

This is a great piece, and very exciting for me to read. I have had the pleasure of attending workshops with Dan Shapiro. I am currently working with Linda Kohanov, who has developed an elegant body of EQ work. This work includes some very learnable tools to develop emotional agility, an increased tolerance for vulnerability, a four step method to quickly and effectively process emotions, inspire and maintain positive emotions, increase awareness of non-verbal communication (the other 90%), and a host of other practical ways to apply work with emotions. Her new book, “The Power of the Herd; A Non-Predatory Approach to Social Intelligence, Leadership, and Innovation” explains much of this body of work. ( http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Herd-Nonpredatory-Intelligence/dp/1577316762/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373247405&sr=8-1&keywords=power+of+the+herd) Many of the tools were developed based on equine herd dynamics and behavior. We have found that practicing emotional intelligence skills with horses is a very effective way for people to learn to monitor and regulate their own emotions, and the emotions of others. Horses, as prey animals, have highly developed sensitivity to emotions. They mirror back to people their own emotions, and provide immediate feedback which helps people recognize their own emotional states, and learn to get messages behind their emotions and make immediate adjustments.

Very interested piece, which inspires me to believe we are evolving toward much more advanced method for resolving conflict and coexisting.

I think that a holistic view at conflict can be helpful in better understanding the complexity of confict processes, and effectively engaging in it . EQ is certainly a central component but is one component of a few central contextual components for a successful conflict engagment. Relational intelligence, the way we relate to the other, and treat the other is key. Learning to treat the other with respect and dignity, as a whole, legitimizing his or her of way of being, thinking and feeling, is crucial in conflictual situations. It is helpful to view the interaction through a relational perspective rather than an individualistic perspective. It broaden our tendency to focus on individual in the western world. Successfully engaging in conflict is not merely about having Self-awareness, Self-regulation or empathy, it is about looking at our social involvement from a different, relational perspective.

Hi Tzofnat – that’s beautifully said – we have a choice to SEE through various lens, seeing through a relational lens reveals elements of the story that are invisible when we look only through the individualistic. In some places in the world it seems culturally “normal” to take one or the other view — and so incredibly powerful to be able to change lenses.
🙂
– Josh

Great Article and I read it and read it again and read it again, as I was reading one thing coming to my mind how do I move myself and stand with the opponent, this is like a very difficult situation. It is like I give up.
I liked the subject and learned lots today in the topic.

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