Triumphant Victory

Sunday, January 1, 2012

“Why? Why dont we do easy? Why? Why just once, just once cant we do easy?! What’s wrong with easy? Easy isnt so bad? Other people get it... why the heck cant I have easy?”

“Because you asked for a life worth telling about.”

“Well I certainly didnt know that I was asking for this... and you know what? Actually I dont want a life worth telling about. I want normal, and yes I know that’s a setting on a washing machine but I dont care anymore it’s what I want. I cant take any more of this.”

This was a conversation with God. Obviously, He is the rational one and I am the one ranting about wanting easy as though I’m a child that doesnt like homework or chores. This was pretty much my year, played over and over again like a broken record. Life was hard this year. Very hard. Very scary. Very painful.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Terrifying. Painful. Exhausting.

I wanted to die. I almost did die. I wanted it to end and I didnt want to hurt anymore. I craved easy. I craved a life that I could control and order about an make everything okay again. I wanted the pain to stop, or I wanted it controlable, and I didnt much care how it did.

The pain didnt stop. I didnt die. Nothing was under my control. It didnt matter what I found to cling to, it would be taken away from me.

Nothing was safe. Nothing was secure. Nothing was easy.

Then about a month ago I sat in a tree, my heart and lungs pounding from the run to get there. The pain in my stomach (yet one more thing I couldnt seem to control) once again to the point near unbearable. And I sobbed. I sobbed like I hadnt in a long time. And in that moment, I stopped. I stopped asking God for easy. I opened my hands. I let go.

“I dont need easy God. but I need to know that you are not going to leave me in this along. Ask me to walk through whatever you want, but I am begging you, do not make me do it myself. I cant. I dont need easy, I just need possible and I just need You. All I am asking for is enough guts to keep on living. To keep getting up day after day. Your strength to keep going.”

Surrender.

Supposed to be so wonderful. So amazing. So heavenly. All that I feel is exhaustion. Like you might feel after you have been running away for a very long time and you finally go home.

The next day I have to fight for it again.

And then next week.

“God, I told you I wasnt going to ask for easy again, well I’m not, but what I am asking for is worth it. This pain, this heartache, this overwhelming grief. That it might all someday be worth it.”

And week after. Again.

And today. Again.

I have to fight. To not take back control. To surrender. To fight for the belief that God is big enough. Strong enough. Loving enough. Truth enough. Good enough. That when I beg Him not to leave me, He wont. That when I beg Him that this will someday be worth it, it will.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

“What nobody tells people who are beginners — and I really wish someone had told this to me . . . is that all of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, and it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not.But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase. They quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know it’s normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story.It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”