A lady was shopping at the local supermarket, and selected the following items ...

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, and she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Last edited by swerb on Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No". And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

"It's like dating a woman who hates you so much she will never break up with you, even if you burn down the house every single autumn." ~ Chuck Klosterman on Browns fans relationship with the Browns

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders up a beer.
Meanwhile the monkey is bouncing all over the place, getting into everything.
The bartender brings the beer, and just then, the monkey grabs the cue ball off the pool table, sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it.
The bartender is pissed, says "Hey man, your f@$#^% monkey just ate my cue ball!!"
The guy finishes his beer, says "Don't worry, when he passes it, I'll clean it up and return it to you"
The bartender relunctantly agrees.
A coupla days later, the guy returns with his monkey, and hands the Bartender his shiny cue ball.
"Let me have a beer " he says.
While the bartender is serving his beer, the monkey hops up on the bar, grabs a peanut from the bowl, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says "WHATDAFU? IS HE DOING NOW??
The guys replies, "Well, ever since the cue ball incident, he tests everything for fit now, before he eats it".

Kid comes home and runs straight to his dad, "Daddy, I have to write a paper on the difference between theory and reality. What is the difference?"

Dad says "Son, it's better if I show you. Go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with a total stranger for a million bucks."

Boy, looking sort of confused, runs up stairs to his sisters room, pokes his head past her door and asks just as his dad told him. Sister replies, "For a million, sure I would." Boy runs back downstairs to dad and tells him, "She said she would totally sleep with a stranger for a million dollars. But I'm still confused dad."

Dad says, "OK son, well go ask your mother the exact same question." The boy tells his dad, "Are you sure? I really don't see how this explains the difference between theory and reality. But if you say so...." So he runs in the kitchen and asks his mother the same. She says, "Well honey, for a million dollars? Hmmm.... I guess I would have to say 'Yes'."

So the buy runs back to the living room where his father is, still confused by this whole experiment and says, "Dad, Mom said yes also, but I still don't know what this has to do with the difference between theory and reality."

Dad pats his boy on the head and says, "Son, in theory I'm sitting on a couple mill, but in reality you and I are just sharing the house with a couple of whores."

My mail man arrived at his home one day to find his wife in bed with a another guy, they were actually in bed. He proceeds to get angry of course and gets physical with the strange man in HIS bed, in an attempt to throw this guy out of HIS house. As it turns out the guy kicks HIS ass and throws HIM out of HIS own house.

I could barely type this without laughing, I mean is there anything more emasculating.

Criminals in this town used to believe in things...honor, respect."I heard your dog is sick, so bought you this shovel"

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, And knows the answer to
"how big is my behind?"
I pray this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

A blonde comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the blonde asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the blonde goes around back and a while later again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The blonde says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

Cremincus- Something completely and utterly unbelievable. Published in the B-list 2006

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN...
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the aquarium and was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word 'fascinate' not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there

This one was from The Office (US). It's simple and dumb, but makes me laugh everytime (I kinda changed it a bit too)...

A man approaches a prostitute on a street corner and asks, "How much?" The prostitute says, "10 dollars." The man agrees, leads the prostitute to his place, and they do their business.

The next morning, the man finds out he has crabs. Infuriated, the man returns to the same street corner and finds the same prostitute. He screams at the top of his lungs, "CRABS?! CRABS?!? YOU GAVE ME CRABS!!!!!"

And the prostitute replies, "Whoa, hey it was only 10 dollars, what were you expecting... lobster?"

4thQtrGlory wrote:If we got all that, i would hang a browns flag from my boner for 2 weeks straight...

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

"It's like dating a woman who hates you so much she will never break up with you, even if you burn down the house every single autumn." ~ Chuck Klosterman on Browns fans relationship with the Browns

Following his death, a man is taken by God and Satan to take a tour of heaven and hell to decide where he will spend eternity.

God takes the man to heaven and he is pleased with what he sees as angels are floating, soft music is playing, and he sees many of his family members.

Satan then takes him down to Hell and the man is amazed at what he sees, guys playing golf, people eating steak/lobster dinners, and Satan's helpers waiting on everyone's needs.

The guy is stunned and then is asked the question, where do you want to spend eternity? The man says he wants to go to Hell.

Upon his arrival, the man sees people in misery, agony, and thousands working/slaving for the Prince of Darkness. The guy is alarmed and asks Satan what happened to the golf, good food, and the people who were so helpful?

Satan looks at the guy and says "I got your vote, so now it's back to reality and the election is over".

"It's all about winning for me, and I think the Cavs are committed to doing that," he said. "But at the same time I've given myself options to this point, and like I said before, me and my team, we have a game plan that we're going to execute, and we'll see what we get."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Boyfriend asks."What is it supposed to be when it finished?"

The blonde replies "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a rooster!"

So her boyfriend goes over to help, and she shows him the pieces spread out all over the table. He studies them for a moment, looks at the box and then says "First of all no matter what we do we are never going to be able to put this together to look like a rooster, so I want you to relax, get a nice cup of hot tea and help me put the Corn Flakes back into the box."

Anything is possible in the life of a man if he lives long enough. Even adulthood.--Howell Raines

stonepm wrote:A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Boyfriend asks."What is it supposed to be when it finished?"

The blonde replies "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a rooster!"

So her boyfriend goes over to help, and she shows him the pieces spread out all over the table. He studies them for a moment, looks at the box and then says "First of all no matter what we do we are never going to be able to put this together to look like a rooster, so I want you to relax, get a nice cup of hot tea and help me put the Corn Flakes back into the box."

The teachers assignment, come to school tomorrow with a real life family story that has a moral to it.

The next day, after hearing the classes stories, the teacher was down to the final 2 pupils.

Teach:"Ok Sally, your turn."

Sally:"I went to my grandfathers farm and we gathered all the eggs from the chickens, put them in a basket, and went to the market to sell them. On the way, the truck hit a big bump, the basket fell off the truck, and all the eggs broke. The moral to my story is, don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teach:"Very Good.....Ok Johnny, its your turn".

Johnny:" My Uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in the war. One day his plane got shot down. Before it crashed, he grabbed everything he could, which was his parachute, a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and jumped from the plane.

After his chute had opened, he decided he wasn't going to take a chance with the bottle of Jack Daniels breaking when he landed, so he drank it all.

When he landed, he was surrounded by 100 enemy soldiers. Taking his machine gun out, Uncle Bob killed 60 of the enemy soldiers. But he ran out of ammo, so he grabbed his machete, and killed another 30 soldiers with it, until it broke in half. Using his bare hands, Uncle Bob killed the last 10 enemy soldiers."

The Teach was flabbergasted.

Teach:"That sounded horrible! So what's the moral of the story Johnny?"

Johnny:"The moral of my story is, Don't FUCK with my Uncle Bob, when he's been drinkin....."

There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"

"I... quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."

"I believe it is the nature of the human species to reject what is true but unpleasant and to embrace what is obviously false but comforting." H.L. Mencken

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery???'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

Guy walks to his seat in First Class on the plane and sees he's seated next to a beautiful blonde in a short skirt with mile long legs

As he sits they glance at each other and politely nod hello

A few seconds pass and the girl sneezes while covering her mouth with her hankie. Before the gut can even say God Bless you, she reaches up under her skirt with the hankie and taps her pussy a couple times.

The guy is blown away and says nothing.

Seconds pass and again, "achoo!!" tap tap on her pussy

Finally the guy is about to blow a gasket and asks the girl, "excuse me, miss, but, is there something wrong?"

She says "Oh, no thanks"

Says, "may I ask what you are doing?"

She says, "Well, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The guy smiles and asks, "do you take anything for it?"

"Yes," she says, "pepper"

Hope is a moment now long pastThe Shadow of Death is the one I castKoo koo ka joob....I am the Walrus

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.