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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Wednesday Evening, California

I'm waging a war within myself. I don't want Jim to suffer, so a part of me wants what is coming to come soon, and as painless as possible. Then a part of me is like, but "I don't want him to die" so I am in a continual mental and emotional way with myself. It is very difficult watching someone you love die. Again, I don't know what is worse, to be told suddenly that someone you love died, and never have a chance to say all the things you want to say, or having time, and then not always knowing how to say what you want to say.

I asked Jim today if he was scared, and he said "no" and that made me feel a little better. He really doesn't want to share too much of what he is feeling. If you read the information that hospice provides, it explains that a person going through the process of dying has a period of introversion where they don't talk or say much. They become very focused on internal, rather than external things. I believe Jim is in the middle of this introverted process. He really wants things quiet and easy around him. He doesn't want to have to be or act any way other than how he feels. I've just spent time lying on the bed with him, and that seems to be good. Since he has never been a person to lay down in the middle of the day, it seems reassuring to him to have someone be with him.

He is having pain, both in his back and stomach. Perhaps when we get back to Estes we will see about having some of the liquid drained out of his tummy if it would make him feel better. He hates needles so much, that if he doesn't want to do it, we won't. This time is all about what he wants, and what makes him feel safe and comfortable.

I put out the word to some friends that I needed a few things moved at the house for when we got home, and some help making sure that there was food, etc. when we got home on Saturday. The response was overwhelming, I can only say "thank you, thank you." Jim got tears in his eyes when I told him what people were doing to help us.

I will be doing all the driving from now on. Jim's concentration and ability to focus doesn't make driving safe for him or for us. I just took the keys, and put them in my purse. Liana seems to be doing ok, and she understands what is going on. It has helped that she was very involved in the process of my grandma dying last year. At that time I had no idea how helpful it would be to have her involved in a dying process, I believe, in all things, there is a purpose, even if it is not obvious to me at the time. Which means that there is a purpose in watching Jim die that will either teach me something and or give me greater empathy for someone else in a similar situation sometime in the future.

I can only say that great writers find ways to express themselves with words, and I am struggling to find the words that put my feelings onto the page. I can't find any that reach the depth of where my soul lives right now. Lonely, scared, sad are only words that dance on this page and leave a little mark where they land.

Love to all of you - and as I tell one of my little people friends "I'll be wishing on a star for you tonight, and ask the angels to send you angel kisses."