It’s like those dreams, the ones where your screaming and no sound comes out. Your panicked but nothing seems to help and you feel trapped and certain that doom is now upon you. That’s what it’s like for me everyday. Everything goes on and on and on… People come and go and no one really takes a good look at you. Or if they do they are so uncomfortable with what they see they look away and forget, or try to. No one wants to deal with a mess, especially the mess that is you. Everyday you feel just a little more dead. A little less you. Soon you feel like you barely holding on. . . Things start to slip by, you don’t sleep much, and when you do nothing can wake you. You let things like chores and shopping go until you have no choice but to deal with them. Sometimes you forget what your doing and have to retrace your steps, sometimes you cry, no, sob for no reason at all, then realize it’s all for the same reason.

You think of what broke you, of how it happened. You can pin point the exact times for each and every crack and stress and you know exactly when and how and who broke you. And you hate the memories, and you hate what it’s turned you into. You feel trapped and insecure about everything. You are dying to know what your not as good as. Or why it was so easy to do these things to you over and over. You question your worth and eventually believe everything they said is true. You cry when you think of them late at night. And when your cold you miss their warmth. You romanticize the few good memories you have, but know that for every sweet one there are five that out number them.

i find that as i get older i get angry at things i see, read and hear. i dont think its really anyone’s place to be so judgmental to anyone else considering we have no idea whats going on behind closed doors. that also may be the fact that my life is in shambles and would hate for someone to be judging me and being the semi good girl i was raised to be, i try not do what i dont like to others. that being said. i am so tired of people being self centered ignorant idiots.

Im all for expressing yourself. but please do so in an educated manner. I dont want to read about how you think abortions are wrong because babies…. i am tired of reading “im a feminist but i like when my man makes all the decisions and tells me what to do and how to think, really takes the pressure off of me.” Then you my dear are no feminist. Grow up. i totally feel for those poor women who have been objectified and abused simply because of fame… but i hate the dudes that I know who are totally whacking off to those pictures any change they get lecturing others or going off on long rants about how its wrong to even look at said pictures… fuck you dude, your a hypocrite, gross and sleazy and i dislike you.

speaking of dudes… if i like you, please do not get the wrong idea. i will be flirty. i just am. i will laugh at your jokes and will even tease you mildly. but i in no manner and or shape want to go steady with you. i do not want to meet your family, i dont want to hang out 24/7. if your my friend i expect you to be my friend. dont think that im friendly because i want anything more from you. i really dont. i am honestly so tired of people thinking i must want something when i really really dont. i picked you as a friend. respect that. be my friend.

also if a girl thinks your worth her time in the first place do not be a pussy. i get to watch my best friend navigate her way through tons of assholes… that being said… if you like a damn girl and the damn girl likes you be a man and step up. dont not call her because your afraid of looking needy. your an idiot. and girls… stop dating assholes. if he seems like an asshole, chances are hes not going to change all that much. you cant change him. and honestly you shouldnt want to.

of so ive ranted enough. just a few things i needed to get off my chest.

So a lot has been going on as of late… Well more or less inside the extra loud space in my head. But it seems to all be from a very interesting place. I’m not really sure why or what but it has me drawing, and making things again… So I’m not complaining. It does feel lot like a new start… A new chapter maybe. I’m not questioning it anymore. It seems to be more fun to just let it ride.

See all in all not horrible. But makes me feel happy. Finally! Now if only I can get more time to just do that… Or anything really that doesn’t center around toon disney or making pirate hats out of paper bags from trader joes.

Yeah and this totally happened… So much fun. It lead to spending way to much money but hey it’s so worth it when you think… Pfft what kid doesn’t want a pet dragon?
More on that later…
Ohh and epic Archer cosplay with Emilly the Strange!

so im totally into cameras lately. i just remembered that i have like 10 undeveloped films from years and i mean years ago and im wondering if i should even bother developing them…. im kinda tempted to do it myself… i mean i can. technically….

anyhow im jonesing for new holga camera, but of course myself being the instant gratification lover that i am want to get the holga with the instamatic back…. thats right i want a holgaloid in its full glory.
but then again the traditional holga just seems kick ass on its own… i mean i already have a polaroid…. meh i dont know i can always buy the converter later…. but mean while…… yeah this will be mine this weekend.

i am blaming this on my newest iphone app the histamatic that in essence makes your iphone into a holga camera…. im loving it. whats worse is that this little hobby of mine is going to cost me because i also found a burning desire for a lens baby…. imagine drooling now….

yeah so here are a few shots from my iphone that started it all… enjoy.

the three most hated words in the english language.
at least to me. i hate that. i myself am guilty of uttering them. the funny thing is that if you have to answer the question that prompts such a response chances are, the person uttering those three dirty words, you my dear are very much not okay.

at least when i utter these words i am not okay. in fact im trying to hide that im not okay and then its usually followed by a fake smile. or a nervous laugh. or sometimes a fast change of subject.

today i am proud to say, no im not okay. in fact im the farthest from okay ive been in a while. but i look okay. im acting okay and by god, i even have a bit of a sense of humor to boot.

i know that when i get to this point i have 3 options to feed into.
1) the fuck it all attitude. – this is where my reply to everything is “fuck it all” and i no longer want to or care to try to give a flying fuck about anything…. here is an example:

Oh no! The sky is falling! We are all going to die!
my reply: meh, fuck it dude. nothing we can do about it anyhow. i want a slurpee.

2) the omg life sucks and i wallow in my own pit of despair over the fact that i cant do or say a damn thing right.- this is where my reply to everything sounds like it belongs in a morrissey song and that nothing will ever be right in the world. Here is an example:

Oh no! The sky is falling! We are all going to die!
my reply: oh god, life is so short, but what difference does it make if the sky falls or not to me everything is already black. no body cares if i die or not, nothing i do is worth anything. i would kill myself but that will just get messed up since i cant do anything right. not even t his awesome slurpee can lighten my mood.

and last but not least:
3) the oh dude that sucks attitude. – simply put i reply to my current situation with a … dude that blows. and go on with my life. here is an example:

Oh no! The sky is falling! We are all going to die!
my reply: dude that sucks, oh well aww my slurpees almost gone.(that last statement usually cast me back in to the pits of number 2)

right now, even though i am confident in saying that no im not okay, im more of a number 3. except for the slurpee being almost done… as you can see its quite full.

so what does this teach us?
a) i cant write a coherent blog when at work anywhere.
and
b) slurpees make everything better. except for when they are gone. then its a sad cold day in hell.