Some of you may be thinking – ‘uh, Kirsten, you know pregnancy is only 3 trimesters right? Like… that’s where TRImester comes from?’

Yes, yes, I know. But, recently there’s been a movement to recognize the importance of the first 3 months after birth in both the development of baby and recovery of a new mom. These first 90-ish days are so so crucial when it comes to rehab and recovery from birth for mom, regardless of the mode through which her baby arrived. There is so much healing happening in the early days, it is so important that we don’t take advantage of that time.

Going into this birth I knew this and was prepared for it. I read The First Forty Days when I was pregnant and responded by filling my freezer with delicious homemade soups and easy to prepare meals, knowing those first days are so. damn. hard. I wanted to set myself up for the best possible 4th trimester I could. As Brianna Battles would say, control what you can, and I did just that. I made bone broth and froze it in individual portions and stocked up on canned goods and frozen vegetables so in those hard days i would have nutritious food that could fuel my healing and my day to day life. I also invested in placenta encapsulation, which I know doesn’t have a lot of scientific evidence to support it, but there also hasn’t really been ANY research on it. It hasn’t been proven OR disproven and I’d been told many positive anecdotal stories about it’s benefits, so I gave it a go. I think the most important thing I did to prepare was to ask for help. Early on in my pregnancy I planted the seed with my mother in law that we would like her (and my father in law too) to come and help us when the baby arrived. Of course she was ecstatic at the idea and was able to come stay with us for nearly 3 weeks. We were so lucky that baby arrived on the first night she was here!

I must admit, those first few days after birth I was nervous. I was a bit of a wreck after my son was born, both physically and mentally. I felt like I was sitting on a bleeding baseball due to all of the swelling and the expected lochia, and I was an anxious mess. I did very little self care in those early days and instead was so concerned with keeping up with my regular life in addition to having a newborn and recovering from childbirth. I pushed myself to go grocery shopping and to stores to buy nursing bras and take the baby with me and sweep the floors and clean the bathrooms… It was all too much! But I learned from that and took it with me into this postpartum period.

Even though this birth was so much easier than my first, it was still birth. Birth is physical trauma, regardless of how quick and easy it seems, and it demands respect and recovery. I was lucky to have a homebirth because after she was born, I was able to get into my bed and not leave it for 36ish hours, with the exception of going to the bathroom. All I did for the first day or two was sleep, care for baby, and text my husband downstairs to bring me food or whatever else I needed. Once I felt up to it, I started having regular epsom salt baths with postpartum healing herbs to help relieve some of the swelling in my perineum as well as regularly using frozen pads to soothe in between.

That first week, obviously, everything felt heavy & raw, but that is normal right after you squeeze an 8lb human out of you in the span of 2 hours! With my son, this heavy feeling scared the crap out of me, and I responded by constantly clenching my pelvic floor in hopes of lifting it all back up. What I didn’t realize was the heaviness was caused by all of the swelling, and no amount of clenching was going to fix that, only time and patience. Instead, I focused on keeping things relaxed (do you sense a theme here between this and birth?) and allowing my body to respond intuitively, all while limiting the demands I placed on it. I tried my very best to not pick up my 30lb toddler, especially in that first week, knowing how vulnerable everything was. I also limited the amount of time I spent on my feet, by having others do the cooking and general housework, and when I did participate in some cooking, I dragged a stool into the kitchen to sit on. None of this would have been possible without the help provided by my in-laws who stayed with us for the first few weeks.

Within a couple weeks I started feel more normal. Almost too normal. I had zero prolapse symptoms at all. Even the stress incontinence I had in pregnancy resolved! I can now understand how some women jump right back into heavy exercise right away because I totally felt ‘ready’. After my first birth, I was sore for weeks, I didn’t get this whole ‘let’s go workout right away’ thing… Now I get it! I am so glad I had the knowledge to take it easy and slow and not get too excited about exercise so early postpartum. I focused on rehab-type movement and continued with the pelvic floor exercises prescribed by my PFPT in pregnancy. Most of this was movements done while laying on the floor to minimize the strain on my core muscles while they healed and my internal organs settled back into place. I did a few weeks of this until progressing to some upright movements, still without any weights and moving really slowly to focus on form and breathing and ensuring my PF was firing with each rep.

An interesting thing that happened around 8 weeks postpartum. I was doing my PF exercises in an odd position, and I felt the front portion fire for the first time since I gave birth. It’s not that I had been working on that for weeks, I just didn’t even know it wasn’t firing, until it did. This was a major lightbulb moment for me. It took me eight weeks to reconnect with that particular portion of my core. Eight weeks. What would have happened if I had jumped back into high impact or heavy lifting before that time? Would that part of my PF have fired to respond to the task? Or would it have remained ‘turned off’ resulting in a major vulnerability in my core function? If I didn’t even know how to do proper PF contractions, as taught to me by my PFPT, how would I have even known I was missing that piece?

This is why I advocate for every woman to see a PFPT! They can assess these tissues and make sure you are connecting with them all, and ensure they are functioning well before you jump into intense exercise. I didn’t get to see my PFPT until I was nearly 10 weeks postpartum (and I booked my appointment within days of birth! She’s just that in demand!). I was feeling great going into see her, I honestly had no symptoms. She was so awesome, she kept laughing and saying ‘you’re too good for me!‘ and ‘why are you here?‘ with a smirk because everything was functioning so well. She gave me some advanced core exercises to work towards and felt confident, that though my prolapse has returned, I should be able to heal it again like I did previously.

Since then I have started up a new strength training program, and am taking things very slowly but hope to get back to a full lifting program eventually. I am in no rush. The weights and the gym will always be there, and if I do things right now, then my body will be able to support whatever I need it to do, in the future.

That is what postpartum training is all about. It’s about accepting the now, rehabbing appropriately, and building strength slowly and intentionally so that we can keep that strength and function for years to come. Because I don’t know about you, but for me? I don’t care if I can post a video of me pulling a huge deadlift, or running a marathon, or skipping 800 times in 15 minutes tomorrow if it means that I won’t be able to hold my bladder when I’m 80. I want to function just as well 40 years from now as I do today, and taking care of myself now is how it’s going to happen.

Around 9:30pm my husband and I decided we should probably try to go to sleep, because we had no idea of knowing what was to come. He was able to fall asleep quickly (lucky him) but as soon as i laid down the contractions got a lot stronger. They were still quite far apart, but I wasn’t able to just lay through them, I had to get up and move each time one came. I tried to lay down and close my eyes in between them, but baby girl had another idea. She was very excited to meet us, and was having a continuous dance party in between contractions, keeping me from resting at all. I continued to labor in and out of bed, on my stability ball, leaning over the side of the bed, swaying my hips. I felt the most comfortable in hands and knees or leaning over the side of the bed with my hips moving. My body was telling me the best position to be in to allow baby the smoothest passage out.

Around midnight things really ramped up. The contractions started coming faster, about every 3-5 minutes, and after about 30 minutes of that I knew I should start letting people know what was going on. I woke my husband up, and called the midwife team to let them know to head over. My primary midwife arrived about 30 minutes later and there was no question, I was in full on active labor. She checked me, and I was already 7-8cm dilated and 80% effaced. She said she was surprised because I didn’t seem to be that far along! I decided to get in the tub because water feels so good on a laboring belly, and my midwife student arrived shortly after. I heard my midwife phoning frantically trying to get a 2nd midwife to come attend the birth, because she knew things were happening fast. I wasn’t so sure, I was convinced we were going to be in it for the long haul and we still had hours to go.

Even at this point, I wouldn’t necessarily describe labor as painful. It felt really intense, and required all my attention each time a contraction hit, but it also felt extremely powerful. I remembered my labor with Nugget, and also reading One Tough Mama’s birth story where she mentioned she focussed on relaxing through contractions, and I tried to emulate that. I focused on allowing my pelvic floor to relax and release, allowing my sits bones to open and blossom, and also repeated ‘i’m going to get huge‘, a mantra inspired my Ina May Gaskin.

It wasn’t long after my body just took over. I almost felt like it was an out of body experience because my body just did it’s thing and all I had to do was focus on allowing it to do so. I started pushing without even thinking. I could feel my transverse abs contract with each contraction and I vocalized in ways I never thought I would. There was no breath holding. There was no purple pushing. There was just my body, doing what a body does. It was magical. Though, I could feel my mind wanting to resist. I was fearful of how vulnerable it felt to allow myself to open like that. The amount of stretching needed to allow a baby to pass is so much more than you ever imagine it’s scary when it happens! Especially for someone who has experienced the after effects of a long labour.

I tried to get out of my head, and focused on relaxing rather than restraining. I knew the only way this baby was going to come out was for everything to relax and lengthen, so that’s what I allowed it to do. I didn’t even have to think about pushing at all, it just happened. It was all very animalistic and instinctual. This made me think back to Nugget’s birth and realize that I started pushing WAY too early with him, which is probably why I pushed for 3 hours!

It didn’t take long, and before I knew it her head was out, and on the next contraction, she was here! She was born at 2:04am, after a crazy six minutes of pushing over 4 contractions! She was 8lbs even, 20.5 inches long and had a head full of fluffy brown hair, though you couldn’t really tell because she was absolutely coated in the thickest layer of vernix I have ever seen!

After all was said and done, I looked up at my husband and said “oh my god! That was so easy!”. He laughed and replied “Well, I mean, I wasn’t going to say it, but…” We agreed that compared to Nugget’s birth, this one was amazing! Two hours of active labour and 6 minutes of pushing was miles better than 12+ hours and 3 hours of pushing!

And after all of that, the midwife’s second attendant didn’t even make it in time. I was already cleaned up and in bed when she arrived! I could not have asked for a single thing to have gone smoother than it did for me that night.

Going into this pregnancy, after previously experiencing prolapse and having a pretty good idea that my birth of my first contributed significantly to that, labour and birth is what I was most worried about. I had discussed it previously with my PFPT before getting pregnant, and again during pregnancy. I wanted to do everything I could to mitigate any risk, while keeping things as ‘natural’ as possible. While I 100% respect some women’s decision to have a c-section after prolapse to mitigate risk, that just didn’t feel like the right choice for me.

Leading up to birth in the third trimester, I focused my movement practice on keeping my PF and TA engaged, but also allowing them both to relax when appropriate. This is something I struggled with baby number one, and I wanted to ensure I had balance between the two this time around. I did a birth prep course that focused on mindfulness and relaxation through labor and birth and really dialed in my alignment and breathing strategies to ensure my core unit was functioning optimally.

In addition, I planned on having a homebirth. For me, this was the option that would ensure I would be as relaxed as possible during labor and birth. Not stressing about rushing off to the hospital, not worrying about being on the hospital’s timeline, not feeling like I was ‘wasting a room’ if my labor didn’t go as fast as anticipated. These were all things I didn’t want to worry about. Being able to stay home, in my own environment and eat and drink my own food and have my family and things close by made all the difference. I had midwives who aligned with my values, and ensured to communicate them all of my worries, concerns and wishes.

My midwife team was amazing. They heard and validated all of my fears and concerns about birth, were accepting my my story of my previous birth all while reassuring me that this birth would be the birth I was hoping for. They assured me that birth is usually much easier the second time around, and seeing as I was in such a good frame of mind there was no reason to be worried or stressed. I did still have a degree of concern, though, because we all know birth is one of those things that has the potential to go completely differently than is planned. Luckily, that wasn’t the case for me.

I had my 39 week midwife appointment on a Wednesday. We chatted about how I was feeling, I mentioned that my mother in law was scheduled to arrive on that Saturday to help care for Nugget when the baby arrives and my midwife says ‘Ya, we were talking about it, Saturday would be a good day for you to have a baby!’ and we all laughed, because baby’s never follow a plan. As I left my appointment I joked that I would see them Saturday, and went on my way.

Saturday arrived and I woke to find I had lost my mucous plug with a bloody show. I made a note of it, but didn’t get too excited since it can sometimes take days or weeks for labor to start after the mucous plug is lost, and it can regenerate. We headed out the door that morning to run some errands and pick up my mother in law at the airport. Riding in the van on the way to the airport, I was feeling some tightening, but riding in cars had brought on braxton hicks since about 34 weeks so, again, didn’t think much of it. We got home, and the tightenings continued, and they were pretty frequent, like every 5-7 minutes, but not painful and I could easily talk through them and no one around me really knew what was happening. Even still, I started to pay more attention to them and started keeping track of them.

I gave my husband the heads up on what was going on around 3 in the afternoon. I told him I wasn’t sure if ‘this was it’ yet, but I thought he should be in the loop. We decided to head out for a walk to the park and just enjoy some time with Nugget, because of the impending potential that this could be our last days as a family of 3. We had such a great afternoon, swinging on swings, letting Nugget run around and guide our walk, and just enjoying him. I’m so glad I was mindful enough to ask my mother in law to take a photo of us, I will always cherish this photo of some of our last moments of just the 3 of us.

After we got home from our walk, I was more convinced that this was it. I had gotten up earlier than normal that day and we had been running around so I decided it would probably be a good idea to take a nap, in case things ramped up and I ended up being up all night like I was when Nugget was born. Before I did that, I gave my midwife a call just to let them know what was going on, they agreed that a nap was a great idea and asked me to call back when things started to intensify. I laid down and surprisingly I was able to fall asleep quite quickly despite the tightenings. I was able to sleep for about an hour, but when I woke I found that the tightenings had all but stopped. They had completely slowed down to 15-30 minutes apart, though they were a little stronger than previously and took a bit more of my attention when they did come. I was so grateful that my water hadn’t broke yet, because that meant I could labor as long as I needed to without worrying about potential complications. As a result, I wasn’t worried about things slowing down, and knew my body would allow my baby to come when she was ready.

I can’t believe I am nearing my due date already! This pregnancy has blown by so fast! I guess that’s the difference between pregnancy number one and number two! Chasing a toddler around really makes the days go by so much quicker!

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for me!) there isn’t a lot to report from my second trimester! It was everything you hear the 2nd tri to be, sleeping better, no more nausea, started feeling baby kicks (the best!) and the anatomy scan at 19 weeks!

I also visited a pelvic floor physiotherapist during my second trimester this time. That was a new experience, and something I wish I had done during my first pregnancy! It was like a tune-up for my core and pelvic floor. I’ve seen both of the physios at The Downtown Sports Clinic in Calgary, and I cannot recommend either of them enough. I saw Hilary this time, and she is equally as knowledgeable as Kristen and just as supportive of keeping women as active as possible.

I initially made the appointment because I had started having some SUI (stress urinary incontinence) as well as some heaviness, and I am happy to report that after following Hilary’s recommendations, the frequency of leaks has decreased dramatically, and only ever happens when I’ve been slacking on my physio exercises.

One thing that has snuck up during second tri and continues now is swelling. Oh the lovely water retention in pregnancy. I believe this is part of the reason I was having heaviness. Yes, swelling down there. Luckily, I have found a solution – regular epsom salt baths!

I cannot recommend epsom salt baths enough, to everyone, but especially to pregnant women! I mean, baths in general feel great on the pregnant body. The buoyancy of the water helps relieve some of the general aches and pains, and the heat can sooth sore muscles. I find for myself the epsom salt (magnesium) helps release some of the water causing swelling everywhere and I feel lighter after I get out. Plus, the magnesium absorbed can help prevent or lessen leg cramps that often plague pregnant mamas.

Throughout the 2nd trimester I was able to continue working out. Early on, I had written myself a basic strength training plan that included a lot of core exercises to keep connected with those muscles and help minimize my diastasis recti. Now, this did not by any means, prevent a DR, I definitely have one! And some studies suggest that 100% of women have some degree of abdominal separation by the time they reach 35 weeks pregnant, so I am by no means surprised. I had a separation with my first baby, and I have one now. Though I do feel a lot more connected with all of my core muscles because of the intentional training I’ve done throughout pregnancy.

Late into my 3rd trimester, I am noticing a few things that I wasn’t really mindful of the first time around. I’m finding it easier and easier to ‘forget’ about my pelvic floor. It has remained easy to keep my transverse abs engaged, but my PF have a tendency to ‘turn off’ and I have to consciously recruit it, which I as regularly as I can! I have continued my PFPT exercises throughout, but I find if I miss a day or two (hello, pregnancy brain) then it becomes even more difficult to connect with those muscles when I return to them. I believe this illustrates why women need to see PFPT and learn how to contract & relax those muscles consciously, so when the heaviness of a full term pregnancy takes hold, she can still recruit those muscles when needed, and they will be easier to connect with postpartum.

When it comes to my prolapse, it really hasn’t bothered me at all since after seeing my PFPT months ago! Though, from what she said this is common, as once the uterus becomes large enough to rise above the pubic symphysis, it pulls the tissues up and a lot of women report a relief of symptoms in later pregnancy. Headed into labor and birth, I hope I can use all I’ve learned from PFPT and my own experiences to minimize any worsening of the prolapse. I just hope I’ll be able to heal it all up again like I did the first time around!

Be sure to follow my Instagram or Facebook, or subscribe to this blog to read my follow up postpartum!

If you’ve read anything else on this blog you’ll know I am a massive advocate for pelvic floor/pelvic health/women’s health physiotherapy (or physical therapy as it’s called in the US). I believe ANY woman who has given birth, or is going to give birth can benefit from it, even if it is just a one-time assessment.

So obviously, I am not the exception to this recommendation. I’ve talked about my previous experience with PFPT as a postpartum woman and when dealing with my prolapse, but this is the first time I have seen one as a pregnant woman. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, or even sure if I needed to go! I had seen some posts on Instagram from women I follow about seeing PFPT in their pregnancies (Brianna Battles & Michelle Coels of One Tough Mama) and wondered what their trigger was to actually book an appointment to see them. Then I finally got my head out of my own ass, and realized I am legitimately having symptoms that I would be telling my clients to go to physio for. I was having some minor leaks and heaviness, which in and of itself is enough to warrant physio, so I just got down of high horse, and booked an appointment.

I was a bit nervous. Was she going to think I was wasting her time? Was she going to just tell me everything I am feeling is normal and look at me like I’m an idiot? I know, irrational, but those were my fears. Luckily, the physio I saw was one of the nicest women I have ever met, and let’s be honest, I’ve never met a physio I didn’t like! She heard and validated my concerns, assured me that what I was feeling was common, but definitely not normal, and then we jumped right into an assessment.

She was so thorough, it made my nerd heart happy! She had me stand and felt my abs and glutes, she had me squat, then single leg squat on each leg, and me do side bends each way, then had me lay down and contract my TA and then coordinate that with movement. She assessed my diastasis and we discussed how to monitor that moving forward. She examined my PF muscles, and had me do some contractions and assessed where I was feeling pain, how my prolapse was doing and gave me some exercises to work on.

We discussed strategies to deal with my symptoms. One of which was some leaking, or stress urinary incontinence, which I had never experienced before I got pregnant the this time around. Even when I was full term with Bruce, I never leaked, nor did I postpartum. She mentioned bladder irritants, which I had heard of and discussed with the physician at the Pelvic Floor Clinic when I was diagnosed with prolapse. I knew they could contribute to frequency, but what I didn’t know is that they can also contribute to incontinence! The way she put it is, if your bladder is already irritated by certain foods, then when you add a cough or sneeze on top of it, you’re more prone to leaking! This totally made sense to me, because otherwise I could not find any sort of pattern or correlation to my leaking. It was so infrequent, and didn’t seem to relate to my activity level or even the fullness of my bladder when I put any pressure on it, but I hadn’t taken my diet into consideration! And after chatting with a few friends, they all corroborated these thoughts anecdotally.

We also discussed the strength of my muscles. She rated my PF muscle strength a 3+ out of 5, whereas previously I’d been a 4 out of 5. So I mean, considering I am 23 weeks pregnant, those tissues are so swollen and loosened because of relaxin, I’m pretty happy with a 3+! I mean, obviously, I’d love to be 5/5, but I gotta take what I can get! She gave me a few things to work on, and we found while the front half of my muscles were weaker, the back half was actually quite tight.

The we discussed preparation for labor & birth. She had some suggestions on positioning, like don’t lay flat on your back, which I mean, is kind of common knowledge these days, I think? Isn’t it? Or maybe that’s just for birth & pelvic health junkies like me! She suggested I try to squat or be on all 4s as much as possible and also encouraged me to avoid pushing using a crunching motion, which a lot of women get sucked into. She suggested I focus on keeping my arms up, at least shoulder height if not overhead with something to hold on to. She said this stops the crunching motion and allows the TA to aide pushing better. We discussed things like perineal massage and EPI-NO, but not in depth. Overall we both agreed that I am in a much better place going into this labour because I actually know how to relax my PF muscles, and that was probably what made my pushing experience so drawn out the first time. I remember feeling SO vulnerable when I actually did relax those muscles, and not feeling encouraged or well coached by my midwife when I did.

This is the #1 reason I suggest all first time moms (or any pregnant woman who hasn’t delivered vaginally, but wants to) see a PFPT in pregnancy! They will help you learn how to connect with those muscles and how to know what it feels like when you both contract AND relax those muscles, because relaxing them is key when it comes time to allow baby to pass through them.

It happened so much faster than we had anticipated. It was no longer a debate of being ready, because ready or not, it was happening. One week after learning we were expecting our second little one, my husbands parents were scheduled to come for a visit. We debated whether or not to share the news, it was SO early after all, but we decided if this pregnancy ended prematurely, their support would be so needed, so we told them.

That just reinforced how great it was. They were ecstatic! Of course they were, what grandparents aren’t excited to learn they will be welcoming more grandchildren? I looked to my mother in law for support, my husband and his older brother are only 13 months apart after all. She reiterated what we already knew, it would be hard in the beginning, but so worth it. And we had planned it after all, it will all work out in the end!

Overall the first few weeks I felt pretty good. I still had energy, continued my workouts, and kept up with life. Things were great!

Then I was struck with vertigo.

I had cared for patients with vertigo, and knew it was awful, but I always thought they were over dramatic. But let me tell you, from first hand experience, it is all consuming. When you feel like the world around you is spinning, and closing your eyes just makes it worse, and you haven’t figured out what triggers it so it hits you randomly, it is hard. So hard. Even harder when you have a toddler to care for, and pregnancy nausea has hit. The vertigo was the worst in the morning, which, lucky for me, coincided with when I was feeling the most nauseated. The two just fed off each other and I felt awful. Caring for Nugget was even harder, because bending down or doing anything that required me moving my head out of vertical, set it off. Add that to nausea and it was a sure fire recipe for a trip to visit the porcelain throne. But I was lucky, after couple of weeks, it self-resolved. I didn’t really do much besides give into my salt cravings and drink as much water as I wanted.

But all the vomiting did a number on my core. The force required for that really puts some pressure on the pelvic floor, I now understand why some women leak when they throw up! I started having a lot of heaviness and discomfort. I freaked out. I was so worried that I was causing my prolapse to return and went to a pretty dark place. The combination of vertigo, with pelvic floor symptoms and exhaustion all added up to my headspace being all out of whack. I had a lot of very negative thoughts. There were many moments where I freaked out that I was damaging my body beyond repair. I even had really low moments where I hoped I would just miscarry so I could not worry about it anymore. I laid in bed crying, feeling like a terrible person and mother for wishing this very much planned, very much wanted, pregnancy away. The emotional turmoil you go through after being diagnosed with prolapse can really mess with you, and I didn’t realize how deeply, until then. It was like I was back to the day I was diagnosed, spiraling down a dark hole of ‘what ifs’, fearing I would never get out again.

I talked to some other moms they offered so much great support. They validated my feelings and helped me see what was really important – that I wanted this baby and I knew exactly what to do to get him or her here as safely as possible.

My symptoms waxed and waned over the next few weeks, and came to a peak around 11 weeks. I finally asked my prolapse support group, and they all suggested I talk to my pelvic floor physio. I mean, I knew I should, but I was in a bit of denial. I let my ego get the best of me, and thought I knew everything I possibly could, and there was nothing she could tell me that would help. But I emailed her anyway, and I am so glad I did. She replied quickly, and said it was totally normal to feel like that at the end of the first trimester. The uterus gets heavy, but has not come up above the pubic bone yet, so the entire weight of it is supported by the PF muscles. She reminded me to take it easy and it should pass, but to call her if I had any questions.

And she was right! Within a week, all my symptoms were gone! I even went on an 8 km hike up a mountain, and felt totally fine at the end and still the next day!

Then I was just tired.

So. So. Tired.

I never really noticed the exhaustion with Nugget, because I didn’t already have a kid and could sleep or nap whenever I wanted. Not the case when you have a 15 month old who gets up at 6 or 7 every morning. No sleeping in when you’re a parent, and even less so when your husband is working 6 or 7 days a week. This did not work out well with working nights. I work nights the majority of the time, and it was catching up with me. I started getting reflux to the point where I avoided eating because it felt like nothing ever left my stomach, I basically felt like my digestion came to a screeching halt. I started losing weight, which is the opposite of what you want to happen in pregnancy. Not to mention I was basically a zombie whenever I was not working. My poor toddler had the worst mom.

I talked to my midwife, and we agreed it would be best if I stopped working nights. I felt so guilty coming to that decision. I actually quite enjoy night shift! Plus, as a nurse, working nights is a bit of a badge of honor. I felt like I was being a baby by giving them up so early in my pregnancy, but I knew I had to do what was best for me and this baby.

It was like the clouds parted. I was finally sleeping at the same time every night, and sleeping through the night again. Before, with such a wonky sleep schedule, I was waking every couple hours because my body couldn’t figure out it’s rhythm. My reflux resolved, I had energy to exercise and play with Nugget again, and surprisingly my skin almost completely cleared up!

Moving into the second trimester, I finally started feeling like myself again.

This series of blog posts will follow my journey after healing my prolapse from my first birth, into my second pregnancy and beyond!

After I was diagnosed with my prolapse at 8 months postpartum with Nugget, I was devastated (you can read about that here). I thought my life was over and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be prepared, physically, for another pregnancy and birth. I was terrified of picking up my baby out of the crib, never mind growing a second one!

Then I went to pelvic floor physiotherapy, and subsequently healed my prolapse. Then came rewiring my brain to actually accepting the thought that, maybe, I can have another baby. I mean, ever since I decided that kids were in the cards, I knew I wanted a lot of them! Like, 3 or even 4!

Before I was discharged from physio, I made sure to ask her thoughts on pregnancy, birth and postpartum. She had zero concerns with me getting pregnant again, gave me some great advice for labour and suggested I come back in for a check up at 6 weeks postpartum.

So, I had the go ahead from the professionals I trusted, but was I ready? Emotionally, I was SO ready. When I was pregnant with Nugget, my plan was to have him, then start trying for number 2 at 8 months postpartum, so they could be super close in age. Well, obviously, that didn’t happen. My husband wasn’t quite as antsy as I was to have babies right on top of each other, and I was still nervous about my body. I had felt betrayed and needed to learn to trust it again before taking on the challenge of pregnancy.

So I focused on getting strong. I started a new workout program, committed to working out every 2-3 days and for probably 2-3 months I stuck to it. I loved it. I was so happy with how my body felt, how my clothes fit, and how I felt in general. My body finally felt strong again. All of my muscles had blossomed, my core felt so supportive, and I was finally feeling like myself again.

I was ready. My body felt ready. My husband was ready.

It was time.

It took 9 months to conceive Nugget, so even though I was ready to start trying, I had absolutely no expectations for it to happen anytime soon. I was okay with that, prepared for a long road ahead.

Still, I did all the things. I peed on sticks. I took prenatal vitamins. I tracked my basal body temperature. I even tracked my mucous.

But even then, with perfect timing, most couples only have a chance of conception of 20% for any given cycle. Like I said, prepared for a long road.

We didn’t want to put our life on hold to have another baby, so we kept living it. We used the hot tub, we drank our fair share of wine, beer and coffee, we didn’t change our diet or exercise regimes. We just lived our lives.

I was so prepared for it take months to happen. After all, it had the first time, and nothing had changed in that department, as far as we knew, besides being a couple years older.

And then, two months in, it happened.

The line turned pink. The stick flashed ‘pregnant’.

Next thing we knew, we were preparing to be the parents of two under two.

It’s the one thing so many women are so desperate to achieve once they’ve popped out their most recent bundle of joy.

I get it. I’ve been there. If you look back at my instagram posts after Nugget was born, it’s nothing but ‘look at me, I lost 20lbs the day I delivered!” and side-by-sides of my ‘transformation’ postpartum. I was that woman, too. I totally understand how that feels.

Pregnancy and postpartum change your body in so many ways. You have this big belly that completely alters your centre of gravity, your joints and ligaments get lax and loose, more often than not, you lose a significant amount of muscle mass. You kind of start to feel like you’ve lost yourself.

Not to mention the fact that you’ve just entered motherhood. Holy crap is motherhood a mind-fuck. Your entire world is flipped completely upside down, you’re sleep deprived, anxious beyond belief, and your head is a raging soup of postpartum hormones. You just want some semblance of normalcy back in your life. You want to feel even just a glimmer of the ‘old you’ is still in there, somewhere, hidden under the spit-up & breastmilk stained tshirt with obligatory nursing bra with pads from who knows when still stuck in it. You want to find YOU again.

I get it. We all get it. Every woman who has ever become a mother, understands how you feel. It is 100%, completely and totally normal.

So you think ‘I know, before baby if I was stressed or miserable, I would workout to feel better’. So you give it a shot. And your body feels alien to you. It might ache, or be wobbly, or feel weak, or you might leak a little pee, or a little breastmilk, or both!

And commence hating this foreign body. ‘What the heck is wrong with me?’ you think, ‘I used to be able to run 5 miles without even breaking a sweat, now walking to the end of the block has me huffing, and peeing myself’.

So you consult good old google and are bombarded with an overwhelming flood of conflicting information: “do nothing for 6 weeks”, “only run slowly, just wear a liner”, “don’t lift anything over 5lbs or your give yourself a prolapse”, “just do what you did before you got pregnant”… There’s so much information, so where do you start?

Well first, take a deep breath. It’s all going to be okay. I promise.

Second, find a pelvic floor physiotherapist (check here for one near you). They will be able to assess your body, and give you specific, measurable ways to improve your strength and function that are specific to your body and your needs. The work PFPT’s do is invaluable, and I believe every woman who has had a baby should see one.

Third, take some time to accept yourself as you are, right now. I know, easier said than done, but it will make everything so much easier in the long run. If you take the time to rehab and return to exercise the right way, you will make faster progress and be back to your favorite activities faster than if you jump back into them too quickly and end up injured and then you have to go back even farther and rehab your injury and then rehab you postpartum issues before you can move forward again.

So yes, before baby you were running 10k’s and lifting 200lbs. That’s amazing! You set a great foundation for your body to sustain a pregnancy. But you have to approach birth like an injury or major surgery (which it is for some of us!) and take the time to rehab right. If you broke your leg and it was in a cast for 6 weeks, you wouldn’t go back to running marathons the second you got it off, would you? No. You’d go to physio, and rehab it back appropriately. You have to approach birth the same way.

So if we go back to the question of ‘when will I get my pre-baby body back’ that answer will be different for everyone. Some will never get back to that place, and that’s okay! Our bodies are not meant to stay at 25 years old forever! Imagine if your grandma had the same figure as you… It would be weird right? But, we can do everything we can to regain all of the function you had pre-baby, it just might look a little different than you expect. It might take a little longer or take a different path than you were thinking, but you can get there!

The fact is, your body is fundamentally changed from the act of growing and birthing a human. Some of us will be left with scars & marks that will never go away, and they are badges of honor to be proud of.

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If you’re struggling, and living in the Calgary, Alberta area, and looking to work with someone who gets it – go to my Facebook page and contact me, I might be able to help! My flagship class, Mama Strong, is starting up next month, and I’d be so excited if you would join me!

I’m a woman. I’ve always been tall (I was 5’6″ in 6th grade, at 12 years old), I have broad shoulders and wide hips. I take up space. I always have, I always will.

I haven’t always been okay with it.

I spent a lot of my adolescence wanting to be smaller. I was never the girl who could be at the top of the cheerleading pyramid, or the one the boys would pick up and spin around, because I was big. My bigness came with strength, I was always the one doing the lifting or carrying, at the bottom of the pyramid, the backbone of the red rover team. As a young girl, I felt self-conscious about this. Girls are ‘supposed’ to be weak, and tiny and need big strong boys to take care of them.

I was also lucky to have parent’s who didn’t care about what girls are ‘supposed’ to be. My dad taught me to chop wood, and fish and hunt. My brothers and I almost always had the same expectations when it came to chores and helping out. At home, my bigness was never an issue, my strength was something to be proud of. I never once felt like my parents or extended family judged me in that way, and for that I am thankful.

But I didn’t live in a vacuum, I saw society’s expectations, I felt the burden of being bullied. I was reminded regularly that being big and being a woman is a problem. I tried a few diets here and there, but honestly I love food too much to ‘stick’ to anything. I went through a phase of following a hit-diet that emphasized no carbs, and cheat days, and very fucked up views on food. (the diet actually suggested increasing the number of bowel movements on ‘cheat days’ to minimize the number of calories absorbed – um, pretty sure that’s a version of bulimia). I lost a reasonable amount of weight, for me. I remember my mom asking me if I was eating. She was worried. I felt proud. Hey, everyone was noticing how ‘small’ I was, that had never happened to me before!

Looking back on that time, I cringe. I thought I was doing things ‘right’. After all, people are praised and put on pedestals when they ‘stick to’ their diets and lose a significant amount of weight. We don’t talk about how obsessed with food they are, or if they can function outside of planning their meals, or if they can enjoy day-to-day things because it may or may not be ‘on plan’.

So what changed?

I had a baby. I had a newborn to take care of, I had to recover from pregnancy and childbirth, and all on broken sleep. I was exhausted (who isn’t in that stage) and I could feel my emotions so much worse some days than others. There were days when I could feel myself getting frustrated with Nugget so much easier, and I started to analyze why. Yes, sleep was a factor, but that was mostly out of my control. I started realizing when I ate poorly, I felt awful. My patience was thinner, and I was quick to snap on my husband. And it wasn’t like I was eating fast food everyday or ordering pizza, it was just whenever I was out of balance, I felt it.

So I started paying even closer attention to how each food I ate made me feel. Too much bread? Made me so bloated and uncomfortable. Lots of green veggies? So much energy and my digestion felt like it was humming along. Not enough protein? I would get hungry and cranky within hours of eating. I started getting more in tune with my body’s needs. I started craving ‘healthy’ foods. My daily choices started balancing out.

I used to forbid my husband from purchasing any ‘bad’ foods because if it was in the house, I would eat it, and I would eat it all. I would think ‘oh man, I can’t have that, I should eat it all so it’s gone so I don’t have to worry about it anymore’. But now? I know I can have chocolate, or cookies, or ice cream whenever I want, and I do! But I don’t feel the need to polish off 10 servings, because I know that it’s always there whenever I feel like it. I don’t feel deprived, therefore I don’t need to binge. I try to live in an abundance mindset. All the foods are there all of the time whenever I want. There are no ‘bad foods’, nothing is ‘off limits’. There are some foods that make me feel crappy, so I don’t eat them as often, because I don’t like to feel like crap. There are some foods that make me feel great, so I choose those more often.

It’s as complicated and as simple as that.

So I bet you’re reading this and thinking, well shit if I ‘ate whatever I want’ I’d eat the entire pantry and gain 500lbs. Listen, I thought that too. And to be honest, when you start shifting your mindset, it’s totally normal to swing the pendulum to the opposite end of the spectrum and go overboard for a while. Your body will be so used to being deprived perpetually, that it will take some time to re-calibrate your thinking to eat without eating all the things, all the time.

The key is to eat mindfully. Pay attention to how you feel before, during, and after you eat. Before – are you eating because you’re hungry? Bored? Sad? All perfectly okay, just acknowledge it and sit with it. During – are you enjoying what you are eating? Is it making you feel good? Are you full? Do you actually want that next bite, or are you just eating because there is some left? That last one is hard for me, I feel guilty leaving a bite or two behind, but one of my role models (Jennifer Campbell) said in a group we’re members of (I’m paraphrasing) ‘If you eat something, because you feel bad throwing it away, you’re just making yourself the garbage can.” That resonated with me. If I am eating something that I don’t want or need, then how is that any different than throwing it in the garbage? It’s not. And After – an hour or two later, are you feeling stuffed? Bloated and gross? Tired and lazy? or energized and happy? These are all things to help you guide your choices.

Now, this isn’t to say you must always, only eat foods that make you feel perfect, all of the time. No. That’s not the point. The point is balance. So you go to a birthday party, and there’s cake, and you want a piece. You like cake, you want to participate in the event, and it looks tasty. So have a piece! Acknowledge that maybe the cake might make you feel not so great later, so maybe only have one piece. But, consider while you’re eating the cake – is it good? Are you enjoying the cake? Does the serving size feel okay? Are you satisfied after 3 bites? Then stop. If the cake is bloody delicious, and you’re still feeling okay after you finish – then have another piece!

Like I said, complicated, but simple.

Your body is this funny thing. It has these cues that are there for a reason. Hunger, fullness, bloating, energy levels, constipation etc. They all work together to help you decide what to eat.

And you know what? The funny thing is, 14 months after having my first baby, I weigh the same as I did when I was doing that ‘crazy diet’ a few years ago. Except I am so much healthier. I have more muscle, more energy, and most important of all, I don’t obsess about food, like, at all and I love the way my body looks, but I also love the way it feels.

And the best part? I get to eat hot dogs with my son, who absolutely loves hot dogs, every week. And I don’t feel one single ounce of guilt over it, because I am balanced.

Being avidly interested in perinatal fitness & a new mom myself, I come across a lot of advertising and social media posts about exercise in pregnancy and postpartum. I often find myself scrolling through the comments to see what the general consensus is on the latest (usually controversial) video or message is.

One comment that almost always crops up is:

“I did crossfit/ran marathons/did crunches/did what I always did when I was pregnant and my baby turned out perfectly fine”

And all I can think is you just don’t get it!

While there are definitely recommendations for exercise in pregnancy circled around maintaining baby’s health, Mom’s health is just as important!

(I know, groundbreaking stuff, right?)

When I (and many other well-educated fitness professionals) say maybe it isn’t the best idea to do crunches, or run long distances, or lift super heavy, I’m not saying this because I think you are putting your baby’s health at risk. I am saying these things because you are putting yourself, your body and your future function at risk!

Yes, you can powerlift (or sprint, or do jumping jacks, or whatever) when pregnant, and baby will probably be fine, and it might feel okay for you at the time, but should you? Probably not.

Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.~Brianna Battles, Everyday Battles

It all circles back around to training with intention. When pregnant, a lot of women fear losing themselves when the baby comes (I know I did. I so did!) so they try to keep doing what they’ve always done and enjoyed through their pregnancy, as if to prove to themselves that they are the same! But, as much as you are the same, you are so not the same during (and after) pregnancy. You are growing a human! That is a big-freakin-deal! You need to respect that. You need to surrender yourself to the fact that as important your personal goals are, the priority should be keeping your body healthy and strong in this (so very short) chapter of your life.

There are so many more factors at play in the perinatal period when it comes to exercise and fitness. Hormones influence your connective tissues. A growing uterus influences center of gravity, balance and movement patterns. Diastasis recti influences core function and strength. The weight of baby on the pelvic floor influences it’s ability to respond appropriately (hello, pee sneeze – not normal!). So we need to take all of these things (and more) into account when training in pregnancy.

Yes, we can program exercise along the same lines you are used to and enjoy, they just might look a little different. The how of exercise is often more important than the exercise itself. It’s about strategy rather than just do’s and don’ts. If you follow Brianna (mentioned above) Jennifer Cambpell of Mama Lion Strong & Healthy Habits Happy Moms, or Jessie Mundell, or Julie Wiebe or Katy Bowman, they all preach ‘ribs over hips’ and keeping your ribs, spine and pelvis neutral.

[Side note: I would be literally nowhere if it wasn’t for all I have learned from following these amazing women and for their trail blazing in this field]

So, can you complete a heavy overhead press while 30 weeks pregnant? Yes. Okay, but can you do it while maintaining your ribs over hips, without your diastasis bulging, and without holding your breath? No. Then that exercise isn’t the best choice for you in this chapter of your life. If you say you are just going to do it because it feels fine to you, my next question is why? What is the value of continuing to do an exercise that maybe isn’t the best for your body at this point? Is it because you think you should be able to do it? Is it because you’ve seen other pregnant women do it and you want to look ‘badass’ like they did? Is it because you’re afraid of looking like a weakling or a failure who didn’t have the guts to go for it? Take a look inside yourself, and analyze why you feel you need to do a specific exercise or program. Is it worth the risk? Spoiler alert: putting your glory ahead of your future function is not badass and doesn’t take guts. You know what takes guts? Putting yourself first. Saying no when someone challenges you. Looking within yourself and standing up for your own values. That’s badass. That takes guts. Going with the flow because everyone is doing it, that’s cowardly. Having the courage to stand out on your own is the pinnacle of strength.

Now I’m not saying you can never do your favourite not-so-ideal-in-pregnancy exercise again. That is definitely something you can return to. However, it’s something you need to work up to, and be mindful of how your body is functioning, and be ready to maybe take two steps forward and one (or two or three) steps back along the way. It’s about checking the ego, and respecting where your body is at during this very important period and allowing yourself to surrender to it. This chapter in your life is temporary. Eventually it will end, but the choices you make within it can have lasting consequences if you aren’t smart about it. In closing, I’d like to bring it back around to another quote from Brianna;