Touched Up By An Angel

An increasing number of people believe not only that angels exist, but that they have actually encountered them. Whilst these encounters usually involve the angel appearing to help and guide individuals at times of stress or danger, The Sleaze has uncovered a disturbing number of cases where angels appear to abused their divine status to take advantage of vulnerable humans and use them as sexual playthings. Seventeen year old Jay Giglet’s experience is typical. “I first met him when he rescued from a group of drunken youths one night – they had me cornered by the canal when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere and drove them off”, recalls the Sheffield teenager. “Initially, I thought that he was wearing a long white raincoat, then I realised that those were his wings, folded around his body. As he approached me he spread his wings, revealing that he was completely naked underneath, his body bathed in an unearthly golden glow. Between his legs, where his genitals should have been, was what appeared to be a flaming sword. He moved toward me, as if to comfort me, but instead took me in a tight embrace and kissed me on the lips. His flaming sword touched me between my legs and I was filled with the most amazing feeling of ecstasy – I immediately climaxed and my knees gave way! He scooped me up, and took to the air, flying me home. All the way there we had incredible airborne sex. Afterwards I was exhausted and had to stay in bed for three days.” Giglet claims that the angel subsequently constantly pestered her for sex. “He’d turn up completely unbidden, at all times of day and night, he was oblivious to things like locked doors, I was powerless to resist him, he was insatiable,” she says. “He would take anywhere and everywhere – in stationary cupboards, in toilet cubicles, park benches, my dad’s allotment shed, everywhere! Mind you, his technique was incredible – he’d often flap his wings whilst doing it so as to create more backdraft, thereby giving himself more thrust and penetration!” Eventually, however, the angel grew tired of his sexual games and deserted Giglet. Miraculously, his divine penetrations had left her virginity intact. “He exploited me when I was distressed and vulnerable, then discarded me once he’d had his fun – it was very traumatic”, says Giglet, who now writes ‘readers’ letters’ for a well-known men’s magazine.

Young David Timmins’ angelic experiences were not just traumatic, they were downright terrifying. Unemployed David, aged twenty, first encountered his angel whilst he was shoplifting from a Bristol department store. “I’d just ducked into a toilet cubicle to remove the security tags, when there was this blinding flash, and I suddenly found myself confronted by this winged man”, he explains. “He told me I was a sinner and would burn in hell, but if I let him fondle my testicles he’d let me off!” Like Giglet, Timmins quickly found that the angel wouldn’t be satisfied with the one quick grope. “He kept coming back for more – every misdemeanour I committed, no matter how small, he’d be there! After I’d travelled on a train without a ticket, for instance, he masturbated me using his wings”, recalls the young Bristolian, who has a string of convictions for petty theft and drug abuse. “Finally, after I stole this kid’s bike, he came to me and demanded that I let him take me up the bum in exchange for absolution. When I refused he flew off. A couple of days later, when I was walking down a quiet alley way, he came swooping down out the sky and chased me for half a mile. I was terrified! Eventually, I tripped and fell, and he came down on my backside at high velocity, tearing my clothes off and thrusting his flaming sword into my bottom! It was agony! My poor bumhole was burning and blistered for weeks afterwards – but at least he left me alone after that!” It is not only the young who have had such sinister encounters. Mrs June Hamner, a 68 year old pensioner from Acton found an angel insinuating his way into her life by appearing to perform good deeds. She first met him when he helped her carry her shopping home from Sainsburys – soon he was appearing at her house unannounced at all hours, helping her with the vacuuming, opening jars and assisting her invalid husband Ted to go to the toilet. Soon he made his intent clear. “I was suffering from mouth ulcers and he said that if I took his flaming sword into my mouth the ulcers would be healed – it was an incredible sensation, as if he’d ejaculated red-hot syrup down my throat! But it worked”, she enthuses. “Later, when I was bending over doing the vacuuming, he took me roughly from behind – he said it would be good for my lumbago, it was!” One day June came home from shopping to find a female angel in her front room, its wings folded around her sick husband Ted, as he sat in his armchair. “At first I thought she was healing him, then she spread her wings to reveal that she was stark naked and massaging his head with her huge pendulous breasts”. The angel then vanished, but Ted died later that night. “He had a massive erection on when he passed away”, says June. “The first he’d had in over ten years. Truly a miracle!”

Just what is going on, are these truly angels or devils in disguise? “There’s a long tradition of angels being seen as dangerous sexual predators”, according to theological expert Dr Jack Papish. “Islamic women, for instance, have to cover their heads in order to hide their feminine beauty, particularly their hair, from angels, who might otherwise ravish them. Also, don’t forget, when God sought to slay the first born of Egypt, he sent angels, not devils. In Biblical times, angels were considered complete bastards! These latest reports indicate that they’re simply returning to form after growing bored with centuries of do-goodery!” Professor Mincer of Balham University – South London’s centre of excellence of for Correspondence Courses – disagrees. “Isn’t it obvious, for Christ’s sake?” he shouted from under a table at his local pub. “These are the sad masturbatory fantasies of a frustrated teenage virgin, a guilt-ridden drug addicted petty thief and a sad old lady whose husband couldn’t get it up for ten years! The ‘angels’ allow them to articulate secret fantasies of sexual experiences they subconsciously desire – fulfilling women’s magazine sex, homosexuality and sex with a younger man – but are too repressed to act out in reality, whilst maintaining a fiction of purity. Now where’s my bloody pint?”

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About The Author

Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.