Note: Check out the interview Stuart Mills conducted with me at his blog, Unlock the Door! He asked some really thought-provoking questions. And plan on coming back Monday to read Stuart’s awesome guest post right here.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” ~ Tom Bodett

I’ve been a high school teacher for about a decade now, teaching AP government and economics to high school seniors.

I have also been blessed to have an ongoing relationship with many of my former students who have continued (on and off) to visit and update me on their lives since graduating.

I’ve been touched by the number that have shared their personal histories, both successes and heart aches, some of them gut-wrenching. It was a deeply meaningful but unexpected part of becoming a teacher.

There are lessons to be learned from watching the young and inexperienced struggle with the art of living.

Following, are a few of those lessons.

Four Life Lessons Learned as a High School Teacher

Lesson #1: Parenting Matters

Background

I’ve heard stories from students, sometimes years after graduating about parents who were cold and distant, unreasonable and demanding. Some of my kids grew up with shame and ridicule. Some were called unspeakable names by those who should have protected them from such verbal vomit spewed at them by others.

Some of my students don’t know what it feels like to be hugged by a mom or tucked into bed by a dad or told how special they are, how much they matter, how deeply loved they will always be.

They only know cold sternness, distant authoritarianism, unpredictable anger that sizzles and snaps beneath the surface of unflinching eyes of disdain or contempt.

The Lesson

Parenting matters. There is no success in life more important. No success, it’s been said as a matter of fact, can compensate for failure where it counts most, in the home.

It is in the home that a sort of microcosm of life plays out. It is supposed to be the solace away from the storms of life. It’s supposed to be the one place on the planet where there is the emotional safety of acceptance and love and kindness, where mistakes can be made without fear of condemnation or ridicule, where, in short, we are free to practice living.

The quality of the parent can have a profound influence on the quality of the child. So the greatest work you will ever perform will be the work you do on you. The better the person you become (kinder, loving, patient, self-controlled, accepting, encouraging), the better parent you will be and the more long-lasting the positive influence you will have on generations to come.

Lesson #2: People are resilient

Background

I’m no longer shocked like I was in the beginning of my career by students I’ve come to adore, respect and admire when they tell me about the shameful way their parents parented.

I used to be puzzled how those who struck me as such wonderful kids with amazing qualities could have possibly come from homes where they were bullied and mistreated or ignored by parents. And yet here they were, blooming in spectacular ways.

The Lesson

While a parent’s impact can be profound, I’ve learned that people can be very resilient too. People often bounce back from heart ache and despair, even abuse, to reshape their own attitudes and beliefs and futures. Understandably, they sometime require professional help. But help is available and hurtles are cleared and happiness enjoyed.

I’ve discovered that we are not our DNA, that we are not necessarily the genetic extensions of our parents either. I’ve learned that we have the ability to choose who we want to be and how we want to live. I’ve learned that we can break the chords that bind us to our pasts and family cultures, no matter how dysfunctional.

How we were raised was not a choice we made. How we continue to live is.

Lesson #3: But sometimes they’re not resilient at all

Background

I’ve also seen kids shrivel and wilt. Or they turn to sex or alcohol or other stupor-inducing drugs to medicate their pain to the background of consciousness. Others inflict physical pain on themselves or others in an ultimately futile effort at awakening from the sense that they have become numb from the inside out, that nothing anymore matters much.

Some people are just fragile. Their hearts bleed easily. Their emotional lives beat erratically below a thinly-stretched surface of skin.

When bad things happen, they crumble. When annoying things happen, they crumble. When inconvenient things happen, they crumble. When almost anything happens, they fall to pieces because the stress and strain of living under the thumb at home makes the smallest unwelcomed changes in life seem like caverns of impossibility to endure, and they crumble.

Some, on the other hand, disappear deep inside themselves, seemingly swallowed into a sort of numbing self-protective womb of their own creation. It may seem on the surface to be stoic and strong. But the emotionless vacuum is really the scab over a wound that won’t heal. The numbness is the emotional equivalent of getting drunk to forget and not feel the pain anymore.

But the pain keeps throbbing.

The Lesson

While even the most resilient can bounce back pretty quickly, there is still a tender side to almost all of us. We can bruise easily if hit in the right spot.

We can become stronger as we find courage and inner boldness still beating faintly inside. But we can also reach out to others in emotional turmoil and just be there. Our strength can sometimes be enough for others to lift themselves to higher emotional ground.

Or it can provide them with the courage to reach out in help to others trained to help in such circumstances. Inner strength can be developed. Emotional numbness can be melted. Happiness and joy can become a daily part of living.

But it often takes a person as a catalyst, someone who cares, who listens and truly hears to ignite the desire to travel that sometimes difficult road of personal growth.

Lesson #4: Hard work can make up for a poor start

Background

I’ve known kids who came from abusive homes. Dads who manipulate and control. Moms who belittle and withhold affection.

I’ve seen kids, by the sheer force of their wills, overcome such horrible circumstances and shape a high school experience for themselves that was extremely rewarding and successful.

I’ve known children who got little from their parents but gave so much to others, joining the Red Cross Club and other on-campus service groups.

I’ve known students whose parents called them dumb and stupid but who proved they weren’t by hard work: making honor role, high GPAs and Honor Society membership only underscored the point.

I’ve met kids who stayed up nights to do homework, who pulled all-nighters before major tests, who sacrificed so much to prepare for the rest of their lives. They continue to impress me deeply by their dedication to excellence.

The Lesson

Some people start far behind life’s starting line. Their beginnings may not have been likely to predict future greatness.

But then they commit and dedicate themselves to a desired end. They focus their efforts and sacrifice immediate gratification of TV and parties and hanging out with their friends at all hours for a better future.

They join clubs and get into leadership and volunteer for a cause and take hard classes and study and prepare and learn and grow and do amazing things, sometimes under some shockingly difficult circumstances.

The human will can overcome huge barriers to living life more fully.

Afterthoughts

High school is a different sort of place. It is filled with social and emotional and educational landmines waiting to go off. It can be tricky to find a safe way through the battlefield it sometimes seems to become.

But in all their inexperience and relative immaturity, there is a soul that beats deeply in the lives of students who struggle to figure it all out. I hope they are learning for themselves these lessons they are teaching me.

If they do learn them, their lives will be better for it.

I know mine is for knowing them.

Your Turn

What life lessons did you learn as a student?

If you’re a teacher, what life lessons would you add?

What do you think about the lessons I picked up?

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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41 Comments

You never let us down when it comes to quality content – this was a very informative and interesting read!

Like you, I’ve seen children, my fellow schoolmates, turn to alcohol and smoking because it was seen as the cool thing to do. You had to do it otherwise you wouldn’t be popular. But these kids didn’t join in because of their own free will – they did so because they believed they wouldn’t have been able to handle the pressures of school life without it.

Thanks for sharing these lessons with us Ken, it was amazing to hear more of your perspective regarding your country’s youth.

P.S. Did you get my guest post through via e-mail? Let me know if not, I’ll send it again 🙂Stuart recently posted … An Interview With Ken Wert

It’s really sad what people often do to feel accepted. I’ve known people who have committed crimes under peer pressure. Even adults fall to such temptations to fit in.

So sorry about not replying to you earlier. For some reason I thought I had. Have you ever thought about doing something until you thought you already had? Welcome to my brain! 🙂
Yes, I have your guest post (and love it!) and will post it Monday.

Ah the art of living. It is something that I struggled with and continue to struggle with today. But what is life without a struggle? There is no other way to grow, as hard as it is. I like the 4 lessons that you have shared which you learned from teaching teens. Here are some of my thoughts.

Lesson #1: Parenting Matters

This is very true. Parents have a great impact on the lives of their children. Yet not many parents are fully aware of this impact or aware of how to manage it. Parents have to have their lives together before they can be a positive role model to their children. Yet many parents struggle with life themselves and their ability or inability to cope affects their children as a result.

Lesson #2: People are Resilient

That’s the interesting thing isn’t it? Some people endure the worst conditions and rise above it. Others have the best life has to offer and they throw it all away. It makes me wonder what kind of unique attributes cause people to live in one way and others to live in another. Life is a choice. We may not be able to choose the families we are born into, but we can choose how to live the lives we have. Maybe the higher powers have a greater plan for people who go through the mill.

Lesson #3: But sometimes they’re not resilient at all

I was just reflecting on this recently. For every Angelina Jolie, many more go down the path of Gia Carangi. If life is the sum of our choices, then at which point should someone step in to intervene before it is too late for another? How many slip through the cracks because we do not notice or pay attention? What can be done to save them?

As for the lessons I learned as a student, I realized I didn’t really learn much in school. Yeah the education system here in Singapore is pretty good, but what I really craved, although I didn’t know it then, was lessons in life. It was only when I discovered the I-Ching that the lessons that truly mattered began.

Wow! What a great comment, Irving! Thanks for taking the time for such a thoughtful response.

I appreciate you pointing out the reality that parents who parent poorly are those who struggle themselves with life, likely from the effects of poor parenting by their parents.

It just underscores the importance of prioritizing who we are and who we work on becoming as even more important than preparing for a future profession. As we work on our own happiness, we improve our ability to parent well.

I like what you say about choosing to live also. Moral muscles are built the same way physical ones are. It requires resistance. It requires life obstacles to grow in ways only those who have to overcome much can.

I’m reminded of a true story I heard once of a teen who had decided to end it all at the end of the day if, like every other day, no one said hi to him. A teacher passed by him like she had everyday before. But this time she felt this sudden inspiration to turn and say hi. She didn’t at first, but the feeling stayed with her and she came back and talked with the boy for a few minutes. He later shared that story with her. She never knew. We can have a profound impact on peoples lives if we slow down a little, look around, and reach out to those in the periphery of life.

Teens are so lucky to spend a large chunk of their day with caring teachers like you! Teachers never get enough credit or thank yous for how big of a difference they are making. Thank you!Wendy Irene recently posted … Bonding As A Family Unit

It helped me with better understanding and compassion. I’ve been a substitute a few times and have been surprised by how much acting out there is compared to my high school days ( almost 40 years ago!).

Seems like a great service you & other caring teachers provided. I wish the systems, schools, and parents were more focused on teaching life skills, esteem, and learning how to learn instead of the hard focus on grades.

Times certainly have changed, Brad. But you had it particularly rough as a sub. I remember even when I was in school how we behaved when the teacher was out. You know what they say about mice when the cat is out! I feel for you! 🙂 I agree that teaching is a great way to develop more compassion and understanding. There is so much need out there and so many who hide below the surface of a facade.

I try to incorporate life lessons into my time with my kids in the classroom. There are so many opportunities for it in the course of teaching. I know a lot of fellow teachers who do the same. I think the most important place for it is where too many aren’t getting that instruction: the home. Certainly we can all do better in some ways, but I think most of us try to send those nuggets of insight and wisdom into the classroom in hopes they sink in and take root.

Ken, I think it’s awesome that you’re a high school teacher. I was a substitute teacher for a while, and I was a youth pastor in a couple of churches over a period of 10 years. I absolutely loved working with students and saw some of the heartbreaking realities you described. In addition to the pressure most teens are already facing (school, sports, home, etc.) so many are dealing with terrible family dynamics. I really was not prepared for some of what happens in the home lives of some of these students.

Hey Bryan! That’s awesome that you subbed and youth pastored. There is such an exciting dynamism in youth. So much enthusiasm for living and huge dreams for their lives. And so much heartache as well. So much garbage they have to wade through at home. It really is hard to prepare for, especially if you come from a decent home.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! You’re a good man, Bryan. The world need more Bryans in it, for sure!

Hi Evan. I always love to read your views on things. You certainly are not afraid to share your opinion … and I love that about you!

For me, reform is desperately needed, for sure. And maybe if there is some alternative that can be shown to work better than some reformed traditional system, I would be all for it. But there are amazing kids living amazing lives of creativity and joy and purpose and experiencing amazing lives as they enter adulthood even though they too got traditionally educated. Was it in spite of a traditional education? Not sure. But I’m inclined to believe that there are important things that go on in classrooms today.

One of the things I tell me kids when they wonder if they’ll ever need to know trigonometry or how to interpret a supply and demand curve is that the information they learn may be totally irrelevant to their lives. But the process of learning HOW to think critically and analytically and with increasing clarity is very important and useful for everything else they do in life.

But still, what I took as your larger point is a still valid: Improvements are needed.

When I read about resilience, my first thought was about my foster son Dan. Dan lost his parents when he was 14. He lost his parents, his home, everything that was familiar to him. One day he was home, and the next day he was plopped down in a family of strangers. He became a valued and valuable member of our family. His resilience astounds me to this day. Oh, yes, Dan is autistic. He is my hero of resilience.

As someone who just retired from teaching for 20 years, I can echo everything you said. I taught older “kids” — law students. But the lessons are the same.Galen Pearl recently posted … Compliment Ratio

And you are my hero, Galen! What a wonderful thing you did. I am always so moved by people willing to open their homes to people in such desperate need of love. The trials so many people are challenged with in life are just so heart-wrenching. But the rays of sunlight through the clouds are always so inspiring. Thank you for being a ray of light, my dear friend.

As a former teacher, your lessons are spot on. I think the lesson I added was to get my students to see there was a world beyond their own skin. And even though it was a frightening world to many, it was a world that still contained good choices for them.

Hi Alex! I’m finding there are quite a few former teachers online. That’s interesting, but makes sense. Those with the teaching instinct who are motivated to make a difference in others’ lives would naturally be drawn to a method of amplifying that good. So what did you teach?

I love that lesson you taught your kids! There IS a life beyond their skin. The age group can be so focused on themselves and their feelings and concerns. Opening them up to the world and a world of ideas and a world of people is such an important lessons to learn early on. I’m sure there are a bunch of kids a little older now with clearer vision because of the work you did with them.

And now you’re doing amazing things here, online, touching other lives, teaching us about a larger world of possibility!

I’m not a teacher, but I’m in grad school right now to get my teaching license. So I found this post particularly interesting. While I haven’t had a lot of experience in the classroom yet, I can already tell that you can get a lot of good lessons by just watching them and hearing about their experiences. I just hope the students get as many good life lessons as I’m learning.

It’s amazing some of the things they go through especially with your first point about parenting. I’ve heard about some really bad parenting that makes you wonder how kids make it through high school.Steve recently posted … Why it is Important to Dream Big

I’m confident you’re going to be an awesome teacher, Steve. It shows in the voice you convey here and at your place. I’m excited for your future students!

It amazing me too, Steve. I’m often in total awe when I think about how amazing the human will and spirit are. To travel through the lonely wasteland some families are and come out the other side as wonderful as so many of my students with that kind of background are is truly inspiring. They are usually not without problems, but to still come out even standing on two feet is impressive.

I’m not a parent yet, but I totally agree with what you say about parenting matters. I hope the parents who have read this understand that what they say and do to their kids can have a big impact on them. I know this through my experiences as a person who stutters, and its a common theme with people who stutter, that I work with.

You are right Ken. We can work on improving ourselves, so that we cease projecting our own insecurties on our kids.

I always go back to the same quote made by a church leader who said, “No success can compensate for failure in the home.” It helps keep me grounded. I can be a workaholic. I actually love to work long hours doing something I’m passionate about. I don’t need much by way of breaks and the like. So keeping my values of family and being a good husband and father very close to my heart, printed indelibly in my mind helps remind me to slow down and stop to be with those I love most in my life.

There’s just nothing more important. The impact I have on my children will impact the kind of parents they will be and the impact they will therefore have on their kids which will impact their kids, then their kinds, then their kids again, ad infinitum.

I love you clarity about the subject even before you have children, Hiten. That bodes well for your future family!

Thanks Ken. I look forward to learning more from you. And that quote you mentioned from a church leader: “No success can compensate for failure in the home”, is so true. I’m going to be sure to remember that one.

A fascinating insight into who you are, Ken.
I too was a teacher. I taught 7-11 yr olds and loved it.

One of the lasting lessons my students taught me was that the decision to have a child is one of the most serious decisions a person can make.

Because –
1. You are responsible for helping to shape a life
2. It’s not just about ‘babies’.
3. You will never be without concern, care and love for your child.
4. You will be the most significant role model for your child.
5. The home has the most significant influence on the child.

I get very upset when I hear youngsters talking about their baby as a sort of ‘trophy’ or accessory to show off to their friends.
I wish it was possible to whisk them into the future and show them just how it might be. Dramas, illness, difficult times, drugs… I don’t need to go on.
I think it’s sad that some 17/18 year olds have a child when they are still a child themselves.

Listening to, talking with and watching my students taught me more about life than any other experience.

Hi Linda! Thanks for sharing this! I have had so many students over my decade of teaching who have had babies or were pregnant, that I’m not sure I could count them. It would take a while to go through the years and count them up, anyway. But one thing’s for sure, I would need more than the fingers on my two hands.

There was even one year I had 3 pregnant girls in one class … of 15 and 16 year olds! What’s been interesting to me is the number of them who were born themselves to teen moms. You are so right about the role model parents are to their kids (for good or for ill). The amount of responsibility being a good parent requires from a child who has already demonstrated a pretty obvious act of irresponsibility makes such a life very difficult for both teen-mom and baby.

And so we keep working at it, trying to instil a sense of self-responsibility, a respect for life and a desire to do something with their lives that will create an amazing future for themselves. And in the meantime, we keep our fingers crossed! 🙂

Marvelous topic and very well-written.Once when I studied social medicine we were taught that many kids try smoking, drinking, etc just because the popular ones do it and in order not to be out-siders they do it too. It is sad despite my great efforts, when it comes to my children I continue asking my self – how can I prevent that?Anna recently posted … how much do veneers cost

Tragically, you’re right. People will go to extraordinary lengths, even knowingly self-destructive ones, just to fit in and be accepted. It’s a truly powerful human need.

The best advice I have for keeping kids out of such traps is to fill them with so much love and acceptance, so much confidence and patience, make home such an environment that their needed dose of acceptance is so overdosed at home that they never think to need it from someone else.

Easier said than done, of course, but the antidote to negative peer pressure.

Thanks for the comment Anna. It’s good to see you. Have a wonderful weekend!

This post was very informative. I did work as an assistant when I was in college and I chose not to work with teen kids. I just found them too difficult to handle. Also, I was assigned with a class with constituted of students that came from a relatively low financial income households. They had begun late, they didn’t have the resources and their parents didn’t have the energy (or will?) to give them the support required by any child. With them I could see how true your hard work concept holds. They were ready to compensate for what they were missing in life with their hard work. The most wonderful thing about these kids were that they were always open to learning; most active in class, always bubbling with positive energy towards their studies and the attitude that they can. They always made work much more satisfying for me.

Teaching teens is an interesting road to travel every single day. The things they say and do and the ever-evolving ways they speak is all so telling of this time they’re in, trying to make sense of a life that often just plain doesn’t.

But I just love them! Not all of mine are so bubbling with desire to learn, but enough are willing to learn to keep me excited about what I do.

So, how old were the kids you worked with? Just curious.

So glad you had such a positive experience teaching. But we are all teachers at all times, aren’t we? Some do it in a classroom. Some do it at church. But all of us teach others who we are and what we believe and what’s important to us with every spoken word and every exemplified action and the attitude we harbor as we interact with the world.

I was mainly an assistant for teaching pre teens ; and sometimes I worked with younger kids, but that was more of an activity class rather than teaching them per se.Hajra recently posted … The Blogging Party

I did some of that myself before becoming a teacher. Actually, I started working with kids because I knew having a family and being a good dad was going to be extremely important to me. So I wanted to be around young kids to try to figure out how to be a positive influence on them. And I learned loads!

This is a very well written post from the heart of a teacher. I can relate. My students were a little younger – fourth grade, but I could see even then the struggles that some were having and how they used their skills to overcome hardships at home.

The students you mention tear at our heartstrings because we know they have to work so much harder than their peers, as well as overcome their emotional burdens. Being a parent is the most important responsibility, and I often wonder why we don’t have a class on that.

On the other side of the coin, parents many times do the best they can, are loving and supportive, and their children struggle with grades, choice of friends, drugs and alcohol, and the parents feel the anguish of watching their children self destruct.

Yes, they do tear at our heartstrings, for sure. Luckily, they at least had people like you to influence them.

You bring up an excellent and necessary point to the conversation, Cathy. There certainly are untold scores of parents who do their best to raise their kids, teaching them, exemplifying decency, loving them, and then that sometimes inconvenient reality of free will clogs up the drains and life goes off kilter a bit. It’s extremely important that parents don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “children’s bad choices” = “bad parents.” Thank you for reminding us.

That is so inspiring, Ken! As a student, I learned how to value real friendship because until now, I have my friends from highschool and we still enjoy each other’s company a lot, even if some of us already have our own families. It is so good to hear from a teacher like you that you also actually learned from your students some of the significant lessons in life. I hope that at least, there are still teachers like you left in our children’s school. Be blessed and thanks!Angel Collins recently posted … MSDSonline Offers GHS Guarantee – Risk-Free MSDS Authoring for GHS Adoption by OSHA

Thanks so much for coming by and sharing your thoughts again! It’s very much appreciated.

Learning the value of real friendship is such a blessing, Angel. There are many people who never learn that. It’s interesting how people can be lonely while sitting in a room of people. The art of friendship is such an important one to learn. Having a good friend or two or more can be such a life-saver.

As for learning from my students, I’m one who tends to learn from just about anyone and anything! Thanks for the kind words, Angel! Hope to see you around again real soon!

[…] there? Good post on this topic by John Falchetto. Also love John’s great new website design.Meant To Be Happy – Life 101: Life Lessons from a Decade of Teaching TeensAnother new face here at this blog. Written by Ken Wert, I think this is an important read for any […]

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About Me

My name is Ken Wert, the founder of M2bH. My purpose here is to teach you how to live a richer life of greater purpose and meaning, of mind-blowing possibility and deeper, more soul-satisfying happiness than you ever dreamt was possible. Join us on this happy adventure as you learn how to unlock your hidden potential to enjoy the rewards of a life well lived. Read more ...