Ask E. Jean: Would You Take Back A Man Who Doesn't Do Oral?

A man asks E. Jean how to win his girlfriend back

DEAR E. JEAN: I'm a guy who will probably catch flak from you for this letter, but last month I told my girlfriend of four years that I thought we should "take a break." I added that "I might want to date other women." She was devastated.

I quickly realized my mistake, discovered that I actually loved her more than ever, and asked to get back together. Instead, she gave me a list of demands.

She lives in Palo Alto, California. I'm spending a year at my company's Hong Kong office, so I flew home to meet her. When I arrived, she was on a date. When I finally saw her, she said this new guy "rocked" her world.

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The next day I sent her a message thanking her for the wonderful four years and apologizing for being such an idiot, and then I took the train into San Francisco, meaning to kill myself. I didn't. I left for Hong Kong. When I arrived, she sent me an e-mail with the six reasons she thinks we shouldn't be together:

1. I'm too seriously into self-improvement, while she likes to relax. (She never told me that she doesn't like all the articles I send her!)

Here's my plan: I intend to ask her what I did right in this relationship, what she likes most, and work from there. I also plan to ask her for intimate details on how to pleasure a woman in oral sex. After this, I will again ask for us to have no contact for a long period of time.

Do you agree with this? I need some advice on how to handle her mixed signals.

—Unhappy in Hong Kong

MR. UNHAPPY: Suck it up, sir!

The Ask Eeee column has labored nearly a quarter of a century, collecting evidence of what happens after a man tells a woman he wants to "take a break" and "date other women," and your young lady's reaction—well, to tell you plainly: I'm in love with her. Girlfriend be all, "Fuck this guy."

It's not that I don't feel for you—I do. Indeed, I want you to speak immediately with a psychiatrist in Hong Kong about your thoughts of suicide. (Even if the idea was only momentary, as you're "seriously into self-improvement" I think a few visits might be enlightening.) As for your plan? Naw. Naw. It drips of milksop. Not to mention some degree of delusion; her signals seem decidedly un-"mixed."

Pestering her about what you did "right" will only make her think of more things you've been doing wrong. Let your conduct speak for you. Though she is infinitely your superior, let your actions prove that you deserve her. Wait until you can see her again, and then, if she permits you, show her you've changed. Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man who does not administer pleasure to a lady will always be in want of a wife.