Big Rich Texas Season 3, Week 2 – Crabby Bitches

One Sentence Summary – Cha Cha goes off the charts and slaps her child, on camera, yet again.

One big happy family… or not.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: Hey all, this is going to be a quick one since we’re a week behind and there’s a new episode on tonight. Figure a few thoughts on the nonsense we missed while gallivanting in Paris might be in order. I’d like to tell you that we really missed these ladies, but that would make me a liar. That would also make me insane. I mean what’s to miss when you’re in Paris eating delicious food and drinking fabulous wine? That being said, let’s get rolling before jet lag catches up and I’m asleep.

Oh, actually before I start, I’d like to state for the record that I’m super pissed to find out that Heidi Dillon is no longer going to be on the show. It’s one thing to get rid of Pam and her zingers, but it’s another to get rid of our favorite champagne-swigging tiara-wearing diva. The Two Winey Bitches are not cool with that. Not cool at all. I mean I know Pam is suing everyone that gives her a sideways glance, which makes for bad business. But what did Heidi do to anyone? I blame Leslie. She and her tacky clothing are behind this. I just know it.

OK, now we can start. Uh, why is Bonnie is dressed like a ninja? And why is Cha Cha allowed to be involved with any activity that encourages violence? Being that she’s already screaming at Shaye to put sunscreen on 3 minutes into tonight’s

The ladies learn Israeli fighting techniques… even though none of them could find Israel on a map if asked.

episode, I’m thinking she doesn’t need any encouragement. But the screaming is temporarily interrupted by Cindy’s arrival at the club so she can check it out for potential membership… and check out Tyler for potential cougar-ing. Ack, there are so many things wrong with that sentence. Anyway, Cindy is having a crab boil at her house and Melissa is invited only if she can control herself. Good luck.

Looks like Whitney is moving ahead with the Booger move-in. I would be concerned about this move but I’m too busy wondering why she thought Mountain Dew green was a good color for eye shadow? Damn girl, that’s rough. Bonnie thinks it’s a little pathetic that she’s trying to unpack Whitney’s boxes as she’s packing to leave and I’d have to agree. Seriously, the codependency is out of control. Cut the cord!

Um, I can barely understand Cindy when she says “crab boil” between the Botox and the Southern accent. Anyway, she and Leslie go for some wine and Cindy promises to not let people tear her down anymore – and by people she means Melissa. Oh goodie, someone else to play into Leslie’s poor me routine. But she feels empowered enough to meet with Bonnie so she can let her know that she was hurt that she didn’t have her back at Casino Night. Bonnie says she doesn’t want to get in the middle of it. She also says that she is hanging out with Melissa because Leslie is so busy with her boyfriend. I wonder if they’re going to agree to walk to class and eat lunch together every day too. They are the world’s oldest high schoolers. Oh look, the producers paid two young guys to come over and pretend to hit on the ladies. That’s nice of them. They could do that for me too. I wouldn’t be mad.

Whitney & Nikki play a little tennis and then get hit up by Shaye, Maddie & Alex for some underage drinking conversation. The two elders take it as a subtle hint that they want them to buy some alcohol for them. They deny it. I’m calling it a foreshadowing to Cha Cha’s next slapping incident. I’m already uncomfortable.

Bonnie feels the umbilical cord stretching too far and brings cupcakes to the tattoo shop. She also would like to put the parental kibosh on her getting any more tattoos. Holy desperate attempt to exert control over your kid. The manager isn’t all that interested in this little power play and reminds her that her daughter is indeed 24. Good luck, guy. That’s a whole web of crazy you don’t even want to get into.

Oh look Leslie has come to further insult Connie by consigning her old clothes to her store. You know, since now she only wears new things. And yet, is still so super tacky. I guess Leslie has been made aware of her lack of style because she is asking Connie for a makeover… out of her store. Aw, ain’t she sweet? But Connie isn’t insulted. She’s thrilled to get her hands on Tacky McNostyle. She considers it a fashion emergency. I would agree but I think this one is past the point of resuscitation.

Oh boy, time for the underage contingency to meet and drive home the point that they technically didn’t ask Whitney & Nikki for alcohol. So yeah, another scene discussing underage drinking, but with zero point other than to remind us that Shaye got slapped last year for stepping out of line. As if any of us could forget. And yet, here we are being set up for another Clash of The Hatleys. Thanks, Style Channel. How could we ever follow the complex plot lines of this show without you holding our hands?

Meanwhile, Bonnie tries to continue to broker peace between Lelise & Melissa through gentle nudging. This time with Melissa. Who knew this is all it took to create a peaceful world. Someone should send Bonnie to the Middle East.

I just want a job where I don’t have to actually do work.

And in other news of manufactured moments, Melissa joins Kalyn & Maddie at lunch. Kalyn tells Melissa that she needs a new job. Asked what she likes to do. She says she likes make-up, scuba diving and horses. She thinks maybe marine biology. I think that’s hilarious. Melissa knows some people that own a ranch and she’d be willing to talk to them about getting her a job. Cue Take 2 of Melissa & Leslie fighting over Melissa’s meddling. I realize they need conflict this season, but if it’s just Leslie & Melissa jawing at each other the entire time, it’s going to get real old, real fast. I mean at least contrive new fights. Just rehashing the old ones is really lazy, guys. I expect more from you. Call up the peeps at Bravo. I’m sure they can give you some pointers.

Cindy & Leslie head out to buy the crabs for the party. Seems the crabs are still alive, and while this freaks out Cindy, Leslie takes this as an opportunity to play with them. She’s so busy picking them up and naming them that she misses Cindy’s dig at her when she

Leslie’s crab talking is almost as crazy as Cindy’s neon see-through shirt.

tells her that she’s sure she’s familiar with crabs. Ha, you get a tip o’ the hat from me, Cindy. And now Leslie is pretending the crabs are talking to each other about why Melissa is so mean to her. This woman is seriously 50 shades of crazy. And she also clearly hasn’t been shopping with Connie yet if that hideous tank top is any indication. I’m sure Cindy is going to think twice before she takes Leslie on another shopping trip.

Back at the nut farm, Kalyn is dressed in her finest Daisy Dukes so she can go to work on the ranch. Uh, I don’t think you need to show up to work dressed like that. But Leslie is too busy being mad about Melissa’s influence over Kalyn that she misses the opportunity to stop her goddaughter from walking out of the house looking like the porn version of the farmer’s daughter. Great parenting skills, Leslie.

Speaking of parenting skills, Bonnie makes attempt number two at reconnecting the umbilical cord. She shows up at Casa de Booger and apologizes for her tattoo parlor ambush. Then suggests that they go to the crab boil together in costumes. SMH. Whitney isn’t interested and Bonnie is insulted. Whitney’s changed and it’s not for the better. Uh, actually it is for the better. You need to get off the crazy train and recognize it. Or get a hobby.

Kalyn’s first assignment at her new glamorous job is shoveling poop. Good thing she’s dressed for it… Oh wait. And while she gets her fancy boots dirty, Leslie and her inappropriate-for-her-age pigtails run into Melissa in the club locker room. Melissa tries to avoid her, but Leslie has a bone to pick and pick she shall. And so begins Meddlegate Two. Leslie wants her to stay out of Kalyn’s life because she knows she has an agenda. Apparently, that agenda is to mess with Leslie. Good lord woman, not everything in the world revolves around you. I’m pretty sure not much actually revolves around you quite frankly. Melissa tells her that she, like Kalyn, had a crap childhood so if Kalyn reaches out to her, she’s not going to slap her hand. This revelation makes Leslie retreat back to her quiet “understanding” personality and connect with Melissa on a new level. Leslie seriously has more personalities than Cybil. And with that, tentative forgiveness is achieved.

Now let’s boil some crabs. Everyone’s having a good ol’ time until Nikki decides to stir the pot about the girls wanting her to buy alcohol for them. Look lady, the only things that need to be in hot water tonight are the crabs. You’re just trying to start some shit because your contractually obligated to, but those girls never asked you to buy liquor. And even if they did, why you gotta rat them out? I don’t even want to tell you the methods that my friends used to get alcohol underage. Not me, mind you. My friends. {{{ insert halo }}} Cindy wastes no time letting Melissa & Cha Cha know what the kids are up to. Shaye & Nikki get called into the kitchen so their moms can confront them about this news. Never has Maddie been happier to have missed a party. They tell them that they were just asking them what they did at their age and that they’re accusing them of something they didn’t do. Too bad Cha Cha is already at Mach 5 anger and not interested in their explanations. Here we go. And there it is. Slap number two.

Seriously, I’m not even being funny anymore. This woman has no right to be on this show. I get that things are manipulated for our entertainment, but slapping kids is not OK. It’s shocking it was ignored last season. But here we are again. Style Channel, you can’t play this like it’s no big deal. This is some seriously insane shit. When you cross lines of acceptability in reality TV, you know you’ve gone too far. Way too far.

Seems Melissa & Cindy agree as they try and stop Cha Cha from further harming her kid. Melissa physically puts herself between Cha Cha and Shaye. This does nothing as Cha Cha physically drags her kid out of the house. Cindy tries to talk Cha Cha off the ledge, but she also strikes out. And as they drive off, Cha Cha tells Cindy that she should worry about what will happen to Shaye when they get home. Yeah, we’re all worried…

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Uh, anyone else think that the Style Channel has some ‘splaining to do? I’m horrified right now. This is not cool. At all. Adults throwing champagne in each others faces may be uncouth, but they’re grown-ups. Adults smacking around their kids, threatening violence and calling them idiots is not OK in any way, shape or form. And it’s way not OK to put it on TV and not have there be consequences. I’m going to let the network have their cliffhanger and use next week to work this out. After that, there had better be some resolution in a real way.

3 responses to “Big Rich Texas Season 3, Week 2 – Crabby Bitches”

I can’t believe those kids haven’t been taken away from Cha Cha! Also, it looked like the older sister was joining in on the bullying with the mother. I won’t watch this show anymore if they do not do something about this abuse!

Why You’re Here

We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

Email Subscription

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. IMPORTANT: Make sure to confirm your subscription by clicking on the link in the Welcome email!