Tuesday, March 16, 2010

FLIPPING BETWEEN RAW AND IMPACT: 03/15/10

Trying out something new here. Just a reminder that here in Canada we get RAW on a 15-minute delay. I honestly don't understand why. You'd think with the WWE going PG that there is no real need for such a long time-delay. I really don't think Vince is senile enough to whip out his dink on live TV (yet).

Here's how my night went:

9:00 IMPACT

- If there ever was a modernized take of the clown car, TNA managed to kick their show off with it tonight. Holy fuck. Painty-face Vampiro Hardy, Help Hogan, Rob Van Dam and fat wet Abyss (he is always SO WET. Like all over. Ugh.) all climb out of an orange Hummer. Abyss drove... so is it his Hummer? Or is it Hogan's and Hulk has cataracts so he can't drive? Did Abyss pick everyone up individually? I have so many questions.

- AJ Styles' Nature Boy impression is super hit or miss with me. Ric Flair's Nature Boy impression is even worse (zing?). Seriously though, Ric Flair punched himself in the face until he bled like he'd been scalped, thus scaring my girlfriend and making me hold my face in embarrassment (or some other new kind of emotion that science can't explain). His "I hate Jeff Hardy" was so hilariously dismissive. Flair really has never seemed crazier than at that very moment and I legitimately fear for his mental well-being.

- Does every TNA guy have countdowns in their entrance video?

- AJ Styles got in Jeff Hardy's face that he had a dab of facepaint on the end of his nose and I fell down laughing.

- Jeff Hardy straight up just hijacked the Undertaker's fanbase. THE MONDAY NIGHT WAR IS ON.

- Cut to Eric Bischoff YELLING.

9:15 RAW

- I involuntarily shrieked OH MY GOD when the glass broke.

- Austin's promo was like music to my ears after the gong show that was Impact. I was praying for Punk to come out... but got John Cena.

9:26 IMPACT

- COMMERCIAL WTF. I thought I could avoid commercials for this Monday Night War! ARGHH

- I'm pretty sure that Scott Hall could appear to be developmentally delayed to someone who has never seen him before. "I'll be the guy that looks like Elvis." Yes. 2010 Elvis.

9:29 RAW

- We come back from commercial to Big Show and John Cena making the funniest faces I've ever seen.

9:36 IMPACT

- I see Mr. Anderson beating the patriotism out of Kurt Angle, who is bleeding almost as much as Ric Flair made himself bleed minutes earlier. This looked cool from what I saw. Maybe if Flair hadn't opened his forehead already this would've looked better. Anderson's promos make you hate his fucking guts. Still don't know why the entire US Army needs to be involved.

9:38 RAW

- Another commercial. Goddamn this 15-minute delay! Is this delay for when Michael Cole finally snaps and goes postal on everyone?

- Sheamus squashing Evan Bourne (again) definitely gets a rise (is that the phrase?) out of me. I was excited to see Bourne wrestle, but once I heard ITS A SHAME TO PWAAOINIRN I deflated. Evan Bourne sure can make anyone look like a (celtic) warrior.

- Austin/HBK together was great. Austin/Jericho together was GOLD. Best speaking segment on either show for me.

- I change to Spike to see RVD throwing Sting's bat to Hogan, and Eric Bischoff comes out YELLING.

10:03 RAW

- That awesome Johnny Cash Taker/Shawn promo.

- Jericho and Shawn come out for their match as I consider flipping back to TNA during commercials less and less as the night wears on.

10:07 IMPACT

- Scott Hall is in a sweatshirt about to wrestle when my girlfriend points out his shoes are from the nineties. In a non-retro-cool way. This match is supposed to be guaranteed to go five minutes, which is a couple minutes longer than 90% of Impact's regularly times matches.

10:10 RAW

- Thank god for Shawn/Jericho. This match going against Nash/Hall in a sweatshirt is hilarious. Really loved the whole ending with Edge coming out. Seemed predictable but it played out at full speed, which made it feel more chaotic.

10:18 IMPACT

- Beer Money vs. Hernan--

10:18 RAW

- Batista/Cena VIDEO PACKAGE. Seriously. I will take this over Impact tonight. It is not clicking with me.

- I literally can't follow TNA's storylines. First Jarrett is a full blown face, praising TNA fans when Hogan tells the fans to fuck off. Then Jarrett is a cocky sunglass wearing lawsuit-threatening motherfucker. Now he's getting sympathy by opposing Bischoff. What in the FUCK is going on on this show? Does ANYBODY know? Forget the writers or whoever because they obviously don't know. But is there any fan out there that is like "whoa whoa whoa, let me explain it to you, because I get this." I can't believe that. Also, this segment includes Eric Bischoff YELLING.

- But now I have to spout some nerdy continuity bullshit. Randy Orton respecting Triple H is the biggest crock of continuity bullshit of all time. He literally sexually assaulted his wife, and beat the shit out of his entire family. WHAT?! And Triple H invaded his goddamn home and Marty Jannetty'd him through his front window? I respect you, Trips.

- I flipped for a second, saw Eric Bischoff, who I've seen more than anyone on either show somehow, and flipped back. Even though RAW is on commercial.

- Orton/HHH starts and ends up being entertaining enough, including the finish with big pasty Sheamus beating his chest like Flair beat his own face.

- I flipped back to Impact at just the right time to see that crazy X-Division segment with Generation Me leaping off of the steel supports, and Amazing Red flying off the ladder. Impact should really just be about these guys. It's all I (and everyone, I can only assume) want to see. I have absolutely no interest in Hogan or Flair, comedy aspects aside.

- I chose Kofi/Batista over Hardy/AJ (although I did see a bit of it), which was the toughest choice of the night. WWE had been delivering WAY more throughout the evening, so I went with RAW. And I was happy with my choice. Batista hurled Kofi into the barricade so hard that Kofi's body knocked a phone out of some girl's hand. Kofi then kicked Big Dave between the eyes, causing him to bleed (which hey, guess what, means a hell of a lot more on RAW than Impact) and go into a blind rage of clotheslines and Batista Bombs.

- And finally we have the Bret/Austin/Vince segment which I thought was a lot of fun, despite Austin's very minor involvement.