"What's your ethnicity?" is a neutral one. If you don't know the person well and want to be clear you're not objectifying them, you can always temper it with a "If you don't mind me asking," or something similar.

asking what my ethnicity is or my background is totally cool! i don’t mind answering that and i like talking about my roots, it’s just when people ask me “where are you from ?” that annoys me . Im going to answer the city i’m from lmao , because that’s where i was born and grew up.

also asking “ what are you?” is a bit rude .

nothing wrong with wanting to know someone’s background, it’s about how you phrase it .

I’ve worked with a lot of people from other countries and live in an area where there are a lot of new immigrants in addition to 2nd/3rd+ generation families. When I ask “May I ask where your family is from?” it’s never an issue and we usually end up commiserating about how hard it is to maintain numerous languages when you don’t get the chance to use them often anymore.

That said - I’m usually asking because of a touch of an accent or because their last name points to their heritage, and I genuinely talk about their language, world events, or other things of substance rather than just being like “OH COOL, your family is from Africa, was it like the lion king????????! Have you seen coming to America??!”

Probably make sure you’ve know the person for a while before you ask this. Unless the context makes sense when you first meet them (it rarely is) it’s best to wait at least a few weeks before bringing it up.
I’ve had some people ask me my ethnicity within the first 5 minutes of meeting me and it’s really uncomfortable.

So what is an example of “asking nicely”? Ive always wondered what the alternatives of questions like “where are you from?” were. Not trying to be sarcastic. Im genuinely curious, because I can’t think of any that someone hasn’t taken offense to. But I’d like to know if there is one, so I can use it. A lot of people are wanting to be recognized as the ethnicity that they are and taking pride in it.

It's easier to see which forms of asking are rude when you look at the meanings behind them. Caution - rant incoming!! Scroll down to the TL;DR at the bottom if you just want an answer.

"What are you?" - this way of asking treats me like an oddity, a weird thing the asker stumbled upon. It makes me feel like a strange bug being examined.

"Where are you from?" - this one also bothers me a lot. I was born and raised in Canada, I dress like other Westerners, and I speak the same as everyone else born here. What this question is really doing is point out that I'm brown and the asker thinks locals are white people only. This one pisses me off because the only non-immigrant Canadians are the First Nations people. This assumption isn't malicious usually...but it's rooted in a ton of ignorance and thoughtlessness. This is especially true when the asker doubles down with a "Where are you really from?" when I say I was born here. The common followup of "Okay, then where are your parents from?" is similarly tedious because the answer may still be this same country.

"What's your ethnicity" - this question is nice. It shows curiosity about my background without making any nasty assumptions. Also, I don't feel like a thing being examined since you aren't calling me a "what."

"What's your background" - this is also a good option. It's a little broader because someone may include a bit of their culture in the answer, not just their ethnic origins. That's not a bad thing though.

Oh, and on a related note...during this conversation, please don't compare my skin to things you want to lick. It's weird to hear that from strangers. So is calling me exotic - it isn't flattering, just discomforting.

TL;DRTo ask nicely, ask what my ethnicity is or what my background is. Don't ask what I am, and don't ask where I'm from.

Thanks for the response! I like the way you laid it all out. I will say that I've ran into a problem or two when using "What's your ethnicity?". I always thought this was the best way to ask the question but I guess everyone is a little different in what they find acceptable.

As a black man, I've never really taken offense to the question. No matter how it was phrased. I honestly think it was because I never knew what my ethnicity was outside of the general "African American" label (Thanks slavery). Did some genealogy last year and have been really excited to educate people on what my ethnicity is when they ask!

Thank you for asking! I think the most polite example I can think of came from a good friend. He phrased it something along the lines of, "what is your family's ethnic background, if you mind sharing?"
But I think the most important thing is to judge the situation. I am happy to talk about my ethnicity to a friend, or if the conversation veers in that direction. I am much less inclined to want to answer if it's a random stranger on the street/at a bar.

I'm sorry, it does feel pretty dehumanizing. When I was younger, I would just reply quickly to the first question and get it over with. Now I refuse to answer unless the question is in a more polite form.

Me too! Ive had people argue with me about it... like Im pretty sure I know who my parents are? They even imply that my mom cheated on my dad! (Even though I look exactly like my dad). Drives me bonkers.

Then theres others that rail me for not being whatever ethnicity enough. Like what? I guess I just can’t identify as anything. Lol

Same, but I'm half white and half Japanese. If I really want to be sassy, I'll tell them that some of my ancestors came over on the second Mayflower voyage (different actual ship, same name, same general era). And it's true.

I answered this above, but I can answer again here. I can't speak for everyone, but for me personally it depends on the phrasing and situation. "What is your heritage?" Is MUCH more polite than asking "what are you?" because it sounds like you're talking to a person rather than some kind of exotic beast. However, the situation is also a factor. I feel much more comfortable answering this question while talking to a friend or if the conversation goes in that direction. However, if I've never met someone before and they decide to interupt my day with this nonsense, it's extremely rude.

edit: u/zugzwang_03 breaks this down in a much better way in one of the comments above

An Ikea opened up in my little city. Mom and I go, and I tell her that they've brought in managers from across the country to help with the store opening. We end up having to deal with a manager while I put in a big order and while we're waiting for something, my mother - trying to make polite conversation - "So, where are you from?"

The black manager was struck speechless and sputtered "um, what?"

Mom - "I was told you guys aren't from here, so where did they bring you in from?"

Not me, but my friend who happens to be black was often asked “where are you from?” when she had a job requiring her to deal with the public. When she answered with Detroit, she’d often the the “no, where are you from???” response.

People who ask "where are you from" to any nonwhite person typically genuinely cannot understand that it is possible to be American and not white. It's not that they don't understand that black people live in Detroit (they almost certainly think of Detroit and Chicago as scary scary all-black ghettos where people shoot and stab at random), it's that they understand that Detroit is part of the United States, but don't understand that not white =/= not American. They expect to hear "I'm from Detroit but I was born in a mud hut in Some Country, Africa, like all black people were." These people also typically are aware of slavery but just do not understand that slavery did not poof those black people out of existence to make room for the exotic "other" black people from Other Places. This is further visible when said black person doesn't look like a stereotype. If you're lighter skinned, have light eyes or hair, wear your hair natural, speak in an "educated" way, seem in any way well off, etc., they will assume you are not "black black" and therefore some other ethnicity/nationality.

Not surprised that she is from Detroit, but asking "No where are you really from" is what people ask when they want to know your heritage, what your family's culture could be. So she answers "Norway" cuz its white AF over there lol

Who randomly asks African Americans about their heritage?? If their family has been in the US for a while, chances are nobody knows where they came from originally, and the cultural heritage of their ancestors was systematically stamped out generations ago. Seems cruel to even bring it up...

A Canadian woman asked me it once. She later explained that a lot of Black people in her city are African immigrants. It got a bit awkward when I had to remind her about the whole slavery thing. Even worse we were in Savannah Ga. Like...you are vacationing in the deep south, did you forget?

Lots of people do. The original commenter was expressing that sentiment. Its not the first time I've heard of people asking POC this either. It's become one or the trademark questions, as you will see a few people in this thread have expressed, and it's been the subject of many different media outlets as well whether it was for sarcastic humor, griping, or sparking conversation about what is and is not okay to ask strangers who are "different than you"

My dad used to make this joke but since my siblings and I were young he'd say Asians had "horizontal butt cheeks." Once I had a friend who was a foreign exchange student from Japan stay over and he legitimately asked her that question. When I got older and learned what he was REALLY implying I got so upset.

Oh man I’ve gotten two and three SO many times. Number three in particular makes me so annoyed. I hate that stereotype. I’ve also gotten “wow you’re really outspoken aren’t you supposed to be more submissive?” ?????¿

I had never ever heard of this, I just asked my partner and he hadn’t either, we are so naive! Is this belief regional or have we just been lucky to not meet such stupid people who would believe or repeat this?

Nice! I would be very pleasantly surprised if that was the answer to that question because I definitely would have been bracing myself for the typical, more stereotypical guesses of random countries in the general Asian side of the globe.

Guessing the accents game was honestly my #1 fav from working retail in a big city. Phrasing was SUPER important when playing though. It’s always “is your accent...” not “are you...”. But when I was in a pub in Germany I once pegged an American to Colorado and impressed both myself and everyone around me. But then there was a customer at work I was friendly with who I swear I’ve guessed every single country I’ve ever heard of by now and I’ve never been right. He told me once but I’ve never been able to retain that information.

I forget how I phrased it but it was less awkward than what I posted above. I didn’t let him think I was going to be racist and then basically go, surprise! I’m not. Because you are totally right. Phrasing is very important with this stuff.

Mostly I was very proud of myself for being able to guess a southern accent down to the city given that I’m not from the south myself.

I love accents and pride myself in being able to nail down most American accents (as well as a few Spanish accents). I once said to an Asian friend I bet I could tell where she was from by her accent - she was very upset with me and I didn’t understand why. It wasn’t until I guessed Illinois and she told me she thought I was being racist that I was like “oh yeah I bet that sounded pretty shitty.” Turns out she was from Indiana so I was pretty close. Lol

My wife had a patient of hers with severe hearing loss say he couldn't understand her because her accent was too thick. She was born in California, native English speaker. I have a hard time with some accents, but I have mild hearing loss and blame my hearing, not the speaker.

I actually hate this. Like. Really hate this. My university is really “progressive” and “forward-thinking”. When trump was elected I had random white people telling me (a Hispanic living in Texas, family has been here 3 generations) that it’s ok if I’m afraid and that they’ll “stand with me”. PEOPLE I DONT EVEN KNOW TELLING ME THIS ACTING LIKE I NEED A SAVIOR.

It's honestly not all that suprising given what's going on on college campuses and how white men are villified at every oppurtunity. I was once told by a BLM member that I should kill myself because my whiteness was oppressing minority groups simply by existing. so yeah. I'm with you

Isn't it interesting how even when we are "vilified" we're still the group with the most political, economic, and symbolic power within that setting? That's why institutionalized privilege/racism is so important to understand. Even when people say things that are prejudiced, racist, or offensive to you on an individual level, it's still not having the same effect as the institutionalized racism and discrimination that POC experience every single day.

He was passed up for scholarships while he was in college because they had "minority spots" to fill.

Our financial advisor informed us that I am eligible for more loan opportunities than him because I am a Hispanic woman. (Despite him making $30,000/year more than I do and having a higher credit score)

His experiences with poverty are often dismissed and overlooked because he is white. (He grew up below the poverty line, I grew up above it)

Not to mention that the media has villianized men in general, but particularly white men and implies they are nothing more than massogonistic oppressors.

I'm not saying only white men are discriminated against. I'm saying that they are also discriminated against (In my husband's case, purley because he is white). Maybe he is targeted more because we live in a Hispanic majority area. Nevertheless, I am dark skinned and a women, he is a pale male and we both experience discrimination and prejudice.

I have a child in the public school system female and she has been called racial slurs and have had boys from a different culture threaten to rape her.
She is 12 and is white. I wonder when all this stops . I have NEVER or would I ever disrespect anyone for any reason. I am looking at home schooling. Sad so sad for everyone.

“Is that all your real hair?”
“Do you know your dad or when is the last time you seen him?”
“Is your mom the white parent?”

The first two have come from ignorant white people and ignorant black people. The 3rd one I mostly get from other black people. Yes, my hair is 100% all mine. Yes, I know my dad. No, you may not ask me anymore questions, especially if they’re anything like your first two.

I have no idea what they’re trying to imply or why they’re very specific about the white parent being my mom. I could understand asking if one of my parents are white but I don’t understand the specifics behind it. My dad is black and my mom is over 75% black too so who knows where it comes from.

Appears, based on what I've encountered and have been told, that the common belief is that interracial relationships between black/white people are commonly with black men and white women, signifying your dad has leveled up or sold out, depending on the person.

To be fair, on the first one, I had someone once accuse me of being offensive because I assumed her hair was her hair, which was when I learnt that apparently a lot of people wear wigs or something, so I'd think of that question as almost the same as asking someone 'is that real or is it extensions' to a friend?

I'm a very fair-skinned Korean girl with cool undertones. If I don't tan - which I don't because I don't think it looks good on me and I don't want to age my skin - I'm pale as fuck. It's still very much my "real" skin color. But apparently light skin is a white people thing only and as a non-white, my true identity only shows if I spend my entire days on the beach without sunscreen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

GIRL I FEEL YOU. Korean-Chinese here and I literally just got this nonsense while I was out shopping for makeup. The lady employee kept trying to convince me to get a darker shade of foundation and told me I don’t have to “buy into the whitewashing” and I’m like — um I’m not doing that but if you make me put on that shade you got there I WILL look like I have a bad spray tan. My natural skin tone is pale. Deal with it? It’s not like I’m “not letting my melanin pop” or whatever. It’s just what I look like. It’s not filters and I’m not faking it, dang.

Omg yes, I have the exact same experience with makeup shopping. There's not a single time I didn't leave the store without at least one employee trying to sell me a dark, sometimes almost orange toned foundation. Yet they go gushing about how it fits me and brings out my colors sooo well. The fuck. No. I look like I've been left to roast for too long in the oven. Sigh.

What confuses me most about this is that, as a white woman who grew up in North America, when I think of “stereotypical Asian lady” one of the first thing that pops into my head is the white-pained “geisha” face, something that, to my knowledge, was a standard of beauty before they even knew that white people existed.

(To clarify, I know Geishas are not Korean. But I really doubt the people who say things like that can or care to discern the difference)

as a 'white' I always hated this term. if you look in the crayon box, or skin better matches the Peach crayon.

why can't we be called peach people? we're a color too :( we're in the crayon box. It's like weird to make a barrier like that. idk like invalidating. we're all humans, just different shades. It's not like we're a different type of human. I don't even like a lotta other white but I gotra lumped in with them because of my skin. no, lemme go with the people of color. don't segregate me out because of skin . I'm going with y'all!

but seriously, how funny would it be if we had accurate descriptions of our colors on a check box? "peach" chocolate" toasted almond" "cream"

and can you imagine the news? "a cream colored man was seen leaving the scene of an accident. A woman, who was chocolate, recorded the incident. The store owner, a toasted almond man, described the scene. I saw this peach man get out of his car..." I mean who could have hatred with descriptions like that?

I get asked this or if I'm a good dancer. I'm neither. I can't dance or twerk to save my life. I'm always met with incredulous looks like "but you're black, what do you mean you can't dance?!" Guys have left me alone because I can't twerk though so that's a plus. Current boyfriend can twerk enough for the both of us so I'm good!

I recently got stopped by two people who were representing a charity and looking for donations. They made several remarks about my English, in response to which I repeatedly pointed out that my country was colonized by Britain.

The next time I hear this BS I’m going to say I find it offensive. No more Ms. Nice WOC.

My family is also from Wisconsin, and one of my extended relatives was mildly shocked to learn that North Dakota has airports/airplanes. They were surprised that I was able to (emergently) fly from Fargo to Milwaukee once.

Is it really discrimination though? Or are they just making assumptions based on 'bad science' they got told as kids, extrapolating from darker skin evolving for better sun protection that darker people don't need sun protection at all (and thinking that the only way the sun can damage you is if you visibly tan heavily).

They would never ask a white person that question. Based on the ignorance indicated by the question, it follows that they would discriminate based on other features as well. Discrimination doesn't have to mean you'd shackle the person if you could; it just means you're treating a person, presumably a minority, differently than you would another.

In the case of the post above, it does seem like more of a question coming from a place of scientific illiteracy, but POC shouldn't be expected to field all of people's questions, especially given that we deal with those microagressions every day. It's not our job to calmly educate the masses. At some point you have to wake people's eyes up to the fact that their ignorance is at best, inappropriate, and at worst, damaging.

Well obviously they'd never ask a white person that question, because they're thinking that only light skin can get damaged by the sun.

I understand your POV on the second para and it is tiring fielding the same questions endlessly - I got asked the same questions from every person in my teenage years as a minority in East Asia, but I personally don't consider them microaggressions. People in China always used to ask me the oddest things I'd consider common knowledge about white people (Do freckles mean you have skin disease? How is your hair a different colour to your parents? Do you curl it every morning? Why do foreigners find it so easy to put on weight? Why are you all allergic to peanuts?) but I never found it malintentioned and I think to have considered it as such wouldn't have done any service to the actual incidents of racism or xenophobia, like western women sleep with anything that moves, foreigners have no way of understanding Chinese culture because they're not Chinese, or just you're always referred to as a foreigner no matter if you speak fluent Mandarin and have been there for years.

Honestly, 'calmly educating the masses' is irritating, but you can't blame people for asking - they're interested in knowing at least. A response like ‘because unlike you the sun doesn't discriminate’ IMO just ends up shutting down that openness.

Honestly, 'calmly educating the masses' is irritating, but you can't blame people for asking - they're interested in knowing at least. A response like ‘because unlike you the sun doesn't discriminate’ IMO just ends up shutting down that openness. Heck, as a twin, I'm constantly asked if we can read each other's thoughts and crap like that, but I always try to answer politely.

“Yes i have slept with black men but i wanted to downgrade to a much smaller size and that’s why I’m with you.” Which is really the only answer for an insecure white man asking that question after sex.

How do you wash your hair? I'm Jamaican. I'm not from Mars. Or Venus. Or Saturn. I am from Jamaica, an island inhabited by amazing humans. So to answer your question. I wash my hair with water and my preferred shampoo/conditioner at intervals that suit my lifestyle. And please don't touch my hair or ask to touch my hair. I might say yes, but I might also slap you so hard it it'll make your ancestors dizzy. You decide.

I was once pushed by a black guy in the UK to guess where he was from, I repeatedly said I'd rather not but he insisted he would not be offended, it was at a party, a bit noisy, I had a colleague from Nigeria so I just went with that. Oh he was offended, he was from Jamaica. I felt bad for generalizing. He said it was ok but I could clearly see he was not. :| I guess I missed his accent in the noise.

It’s not harmless though! Like you said, it’s totally fetishizing. That term makes me feel like a commodity, a thing, and not a human being who is more than just my ethnicity, culture, or what I look like as a result of those things.

I’m assuming you mean that you have one parent of each ethnicity, but the way you phrased it I can’t help imagining you as someone who is just split down the middle, like the left side of your body has really dark skin and the right is super pale, and I have to admit it’s a rather amusing image.

Yes I get this all the time and it's super insulting because it feels like they're shaming my background. "Obviously you can't be that pretty and just be black. You have to be mixed with something, what else are you?"

My grandfather is pretty hard of hearing, so he often asks people to repeat themselves. He has a thick accent, but does speak English fluently. Once my sister was out shopping with him and he was asking the cashier where to find something. He was asking her questions fine, but kept asking her to repeat her responses. Finally she turns to my sister and goes, "Can you make him understand?" He speaks English, lady, he's just deaf. Talk louder.

Honestly if an old white man had a thick accent and kept asking me to repeat myself, my first assumption would probably be that his English isn’t great and that I’m speaking too fast, not that I’m speaking too quietly

Wow that was just poor customer service. I work on phones and I do occasionally get customers who clearly struggle to hear you because of disability or language barriers and there's a polite way to ask if they need assistance and there's a rude way. I would never have said that.

One thing that strikes me about this is that EVERYONE in North America has seen “Egyptian” people, because ancient Egypt is portrayed in soooo many movies, and if anything they’re depicted as being too light-skinned. And I would assume the fact that Egypt is in Africa is also common knowledge.

apparently!! like it’s also creepy he said he likes “young” . he’s 26, young in porn usually means “teen” . im 3 years younger , which isn’t much , but he also said i was the youngest girl he’s ever dated and he normally likes older girls , but i’m “mature for my age” .

he ended up ghosting me after i had met his friends, his fam. new about me , he’d posted pics of us , told me he was so excited for our future together lmao

Told someone I am Chinese-Vietnamese after hey mistook me for being Philippino ( born in Canada and completely white washed) only to have them ask me whether I am submissive to white men or if I could cook.

... With a sigh of pity and patting their shoulder “oh, honey, you’ve obviously never been with a Chinese woman.” I walked awake swiftly after to allow their tiny mind to process. I always wanted to be Sandra Oh but ended up being an anime girl 🥺

Also, white men usually ask if I have slept with black men and black men are always curious if I like sex with white men. They never end up with another date with me. Like I don’t understand the obsession men in general have with the colour of the skin for the other guys I’ve been previously.

I want to apologize for my toddler self who asked a girl I grew up with how she made her hair so kinky. I had a bad case of FOMO since I was the only fair skinned, straight haired person in the house I grew up in. Go ahead and shake your head at 4 year old me, I deserve it... took me a long time to understand that I couldn't tan enough be as dark as my playmates. *face meet palm

Don’t worry, I was 16 when I saw a classmate’s hair for the first time (she was a black girl who wore a hijab, but took it off in the girl’s changeroom) and immediately asked her if it was real. She just made a face and ignored me. I didn’t understand why she was offended until, months later, I connected the dots.

I didn’t mean to be rude- I had legitimately never seen hair so beautiful. It was super shiny and all pencil-thin ringlets, no frizz, despite having been under her hijab all day. I really didn’t know Jair could naturally look like that. I still feel bad, though.

Kids ( in the age range you’re discussing) don’t have much of a filter and don’t know how the world works yet. They soak up the world around them like a sponge, and want information, and that can lead to them asking questions that would be inappropriate or offensive as an adult.

I know that PC culture gets a lot of hate, but it’s up to us to show kids non bigoted information and challenge the “programming” we give kids. It’s great to show kids customs from other countries, but when kids only see videos of people from African in tribal or ceremonial wear, that skews their view of the world. Same when villains on TV are always black or colored darker to imply that they’re evil, while the heroes are pure white.

I don’t want to get mad at kids for asking weird questions, rather I want to focus on expanding information so that people don’t imagine people as stereotypes or treat people like they are uncivilized due to cartoon portrayals.

"Where are you from?" is always a good one. It's tricky too, because most people who live in Arizona really aren't from here, so half the time they want the real answer, and half the time they're asking "why aren't you white?" And let me tell you, the people who are asking "why aren't you white?" get really cranky when the answer is "Chicago." "Huff huff huff *you know what I mean!" Nah, I don't. If you wanna know why I'm not white, just own your rude ignorance and ask that. It's also weird how the media depicts Chicago as a place entirely populated by black gangsters, yet people won't believe that a black person is actually from there.

"Are black people's pubes straight since their hair is curly?" I don't know what is stupider: someone legitimately wondering this, or someone thinking this is a hysterical joke.

"How did that happen??!!" when learning I'm mixed, and that my mom is black and my dad is of German descent. Damn, dude, both my parents are boring middle class American Catholics who grew up within 10 miles of each other. They met at work, like normal people. You'd think that I told them a Nazi time traveled from the 1940s Germany, picked up a Black Panther from Detroit on the way, and settled down in Chicago to have me. I promise you, it is truly not that complicated.

Not a question, but many white people are also weirdly obsessed with telling unsolicited stories about how racist their friends and relations are. "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Susan, did you know that my grandfather still uses the n-word?" -_- ok great why do I need to know this again?

Obviously. However, like I said: don't say anything racist, I won't assume you're racist. I don't know your doddering old Klan-member granddad. If you gotta bring him up to prove you're not racist.....maybe you doth protest too much.

I'm not a woman but a Kurdish man, I had to answer this question when I was a teenager, "would you kill your sister if she had a boyfriend?" At the time there had been honor killings where I lived, was born and raised.

Anything asking me what I am then having them guess what I might be "half" of depending on the way I look. I've been asked if I was half Asian because I have almond eyes, black because of my body, and white because of my skin tone and light hair. I'm 100% Indian. It was flattering when I was younger but now it's annoying when they're like "hey what are you?" followed by "oh I thought you were half ________ because your ________ is like this"...

Edit: adding on; I've had a couple people who after finding out I was Indian ask if I've been physically abused by my parents when I was a kid or if my dad drinks a lot. Like what. the. fuck.

I have been asked a lot of questions based in ignorance. I try to be understanding and help people along, or give them some knowledge through my answer. But the one that most took me by surprise was from a friend: “You’re Muslim?? Oh but you’re so open-minded!”.

The concept of “moderate Muslims” really fucks with a lot of people. Christians can skip church all year other than Easter and Christmas and nobody bats an eye, but show them a Muslim person who isn’t socially conservative and who isn’t on lock down by a family who will stone her for the slightest offense and people freak out like they’ve seen a unicorn. 🙄

“How come you’re not ghetto?”
...And generally after they’re convinced that I’m a Oreo through and through, they take it as a green light to say racist stuff to me about other black people with the justification “you know what I mean because you’re black, but you’re not like BLACK black!”

“How do black people feel about xyz political issue?”
Idk. Lemmie go do a quick survey of the other 42 million of us, brb.

Is that your real hair?”
I paid for it, so yes.

Oh, and technically not questions but:

”I voted for Barack Obama twice!”
So did a majority of people. That’s why he won.

5.”Wow! You’re so smart/talented/well spoken/professional!”
Read: I am genuinely shocked that it is possible to be both a)a black woman and b)not a hot ratchet mess because my only knowledge of black people/culture comes from watching season one of Love and Hip Hop and/or going to the DMV.

Goodness! Number two is one I’ve encountered too and it has ALWAYS baffled me — “hey since your Asian do you think Asians [do, think, feel, about something or other]” or “what do “real Koreans [do, think, feel]” which...confuses me. Like dude I’m real too. But I know what they mean are the ones currently IN Korea.

Ah yes - the good ole “are you mixed?”
If you’re a black girl and not a hot ratchet mess people assume you must be mixed with something. I am literally the most regular ass regular black girl and I have had people try to debate ME about how I just LOOK “a little something. “

... I mean, my 23 and Me did say I’m like 3% Filipino, but I guarantee you that is not reflected in my face. What theyre seeing is white supremacy.

Ok, well to be fair, some people only know how to cut certain types of hair. Niche Italians and middle easterners can cut almost anything because their clients generally have a mix. I've only stayed with those ethnic barbers because white people dont know hot to cut my hair, and I dont have African hair. I have something course af in the middle. It works for me.

There’s a salon near my apartment that has a bunch of bad reviews for rude responses to people turning up for appointments saying “You should have told us your hair type, we can’t cut that kind of hair.” This is directly across the street from a huge apartment complex with mostly middle class tenants...and the area has historically strong Habesha and Central African communities. Like, each of the buildings have 21 floors. It’s a fuck ton of people.

It astounds me that they wouldn’t put effort into learning how to treat other hair types properly. Or hire someone who does and list on your website that they specialize in specific styles, or add a questionnaire asking about concerns for your hair to best match people with a stylist.

Bad business sense AND bad customer service. they’re turning down customers just to be able to tell people that they don’t “serve people with hair like yours.” 🙄🤬

I'm inclined to sympathize, but I dont know all the details. But to me, (analogy) it sounds like people wanted fancy food, and went to get italian, but the restuarant only serves Japanese. Ya went to the wrong place. Alternatively, yeah the business should just change, but there may be reasons they haven't.

People really don’t understand that Asia is many, many countries and groups apparently. In this day in age! Also I dislike how he was basically implying that only features that are non or less Asian-like are beautiful 🙄

My curls are real, I may be half Irish but my Mexican family have straight and curly hair, I'm fucking human, I'm light skinned because I wear sunscreen to prevent premature wrinkles not because I want to look white, and wtf do Hispanic women sound like????

I’m see through white, but I cover as part of my religion (convert). The worst conversation I’ve had went like this:
Woman: “where are you from?”
Me: “Here”
Woman: “No, where are you FROM?”
Me: “here.... I was born here.”
Woman: “oh. Well where are your PARENTS from?”
Me: “here! Like 4 generations here! 200 years ago somewhere in Europe I guess?! I’m from here!”
Woman: “oh ok sorry... it’s just...” fingers circle her head obviously gesturing at my scarf
I just walked away at that point.

It's actually pretty crazy being a member of the "majority" and then becoming a "visible minority" overnight. I feel like every action I take outside of my house defines an entire religion to the people I interact with. Like, if I accidentally cut someone off when driving, I have now defined my religion's driving skill for that person. It's insane pressure! On the same note though, if I do good and have positive interactions with someone I may be able to change their impression of women in my religion. So that part is pretty cool :)

“What are you?” And then right after “oh youre not asian youre indian!” To clarify, im bengali and i usually just tell people im south asian because most people couldnt find bangladesh if i gave them a labeled map and twenty minutes

I was born and raised in Japan, and currently go to college in the US. During my freshman year, a guy asked me if Japanese people liked to wear surgical masks because they thought it protected them from the radiation. I was speechless.

My first day training as an EMT at a fire station.
Firefighter: so where are you from?
Me: Here, in (city name)
Firefighter: No, I mean where are you /from/?
Me: Oh, the east side.
Firefighter: No, I mean where are you FROM?

I thought, is he trying to figure out why I’m brown?

Me: My parents are from Mexico...

Within 5 minute, they switched the television channel to a soccer game.

Ugh. I’ve had people just start talking to me in terrible Mandarin (or any random Asian language they think they know and they think I am) and when I look at them quizzically they yell it louder and ask me why I don’t respond.

Not a question but comments
White people both in and outside my family “correcting” me that Im not mestiza or Mexican and then either refusing to accept it or literally wrinkling up their noses at the fact. It’s really easy to tell if a racist person likes me or thinks I’m smart or pretty by how quickly they switch me from Mexican/chicana to Spanish

Family members doing it honestly scare me a little with how insistent they are to the point I feel the need to let it go or risk a scene. They insist that despite my mother literally being as much spanish ancestry as “native” * Neither she or i Can be really be mestiza because my maternal grandfather has more recent Spanish immigrants as if most mestizo don’t have spanish ancestry.

Or they start saying that why we have tans that aren’t too dark which very much one those comments that’s a tip of an iceberg of someone’s issues with race and skin color

*thats not how actually being native works but I’m mestiza not indigenous and this isn’t one of those 1/100 Cherokee times with someone with no connection to any Cherokee community or isn’t a recognized member of the nation

Family members doing honestly scare me a little with how insistent they are to the point I feel the need to let to go or risk a scene. They insist that despite my mother literally being as much spanish ancestry as “native” * Neither she or i Can be really be mestiza because my maternal grandfather has more recent Spanish immigrants as if most mestizo have spanish ancestry.

They all bum me out lmao. It’s weird because people will like say them to me - I stopped being friends with them - but they would say like the hair comment all time. Like yea I heard u the first time. And, for the record, I’ll figure it out thank u very much.

And all from liberal white people who believe they are better than racists and “love black people” . The hair girl actually went on a 10 min monologue once about how “she doesn’t have hate in her heart” towards other races. The definition of weird flex but ok

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"Why does your name sound different in another language?
Why can't you just pronounce it like it was meant to?"

Because y'all can't even pronounce it in English even tho it's simple enough and its gonna get mutilated no matter what. Also American accent in another language sounds hideous. Lol no thanks. I just stick to English version of my name.

“Are you allowed to eat that? Aren’t you vegetarian?” They always ask me this WHILE I’m eating a burger or some kind of meat. I’ve had coworkers see my plate of food and genuinely still ask me if I’m allowed to eat the food in my plate. It’s on my plate, isn’t it?

“Are your parents super strict?”

“So you’re not allowed to have a boyfriend right? Your parents picked a guy for you that you have to marry?”

“Do you worship cows? Do you drink cow piss?”

“Oh is that a cultural thing? You guys just don’t like waking up early?” My personal favorite, a guy really asked me this when I told him the reason why I looked tired.

Understood. That’s why the joke works. See, if you take a silly stereotype and apply it in the right place, a lot of people will chuckle. Bc it’s really exhausting taking ourselves so seriously all the time.

I’m Hispanic with dark hair; my brother is half black and younger than me by several years. Nobody has a hard time believing he and I are related (and many people assume he’s my son, including people who knew my mom when she was pregnant with him).

My daughter looks exactly like I did at her age, except she’s blonde. She was born dark haired and went totally blonde by 1 year. People who see her always try to subtly ask their way around her heritage. We live in Denmark, so my favorite version of this question comes as "Her father, he is a danish?"

Not a woman, but a white girl I was dating asked me “are there any attractive older Hispanic guys?” The implication was that she was quite happy with me but worried I would become ugly with age.

Putting aside the fact that most older people look less pretty as you slowly morph into a skeleton (doot doot), it’s a stupid question, but I don’t think I can blame her. Especially in the United States, when Hispanic dudes aren’t portrayed as laborers, drug dealers, or cholos, they are great big fat guys with big black mustaches. Attractive Hispanic guys (I flatter myself to think I’m one of them) simply don’t break into our pop culture, and even the Latin pop stars and actors are more ethnically white rather than mestizo which is where you get the browner people.

So if you don’t hang out with Hispanic people irl, and you only see those portrayals of Hispanics in tv and film, I could totally see why someone would be skeptical that I - a young, attractive, educated, Brown Hispanic guy with no inclination for drugs or manual labor (im even kinda bougie tbh) - will continue to be attractive as I age.

Dude I’m so sorry that’s such a hurtful comment but you’re right, the problem is people getting so much of their cultural exposure from inaccurate sources and then not having the willingness to really look outside of them. It’s such a bummer.

I have heard people “joke” to me that I look sooooo young (I’m Asian) but “when you get old you’ll shrink and look like a walnut!” ...thanks?

I showered at this guy's grandfather's house after sailing with a friend because they lived close and would be faster than waiting for everyone elsem The grandfather was ill and in a wheelchair, and he told my friend how beautiful and young she was. Then, he asked me what part of Vietnam I was from? It was very awkward.
Also, I got interviewed for my school, and I talked about being adopted. The next day a teacher asked me what my real name was. And I told him it. Then, he just kept asking until I gave him my middle name, which is chinese, but its not my "real" name. Then he suggested calling me that from then on, and it was very uncomfortable. Luckily, I graduated a month later.

The name part really gets me. It’s so...rude? I told people my Korean name only to have them ask me why it doesn’t “sound Korean though?” Gee didn’t realize y’all were more knowledgeable than my parents 🙄

Lol, yeah, it’s the biggest eye roll for me. I remember in a philosophy class in college, we discussed that one of the biggest privileges you can have as a member of the majority is the ability to be truly seen and judged as an individual.

See also: ‘Dylan’ can shoot up a school every other week, but we cant even pass a gun control law because he’s a “lone wolf” and most gun owners are responsible.

Meanwhile, the police are pulling me over for a “broken taillight” because a black kid I’ve never met started the crips 20 years before I was even born in a city on the other side of the country that I’ve never even been to and now we have a war on drugs.
(Okay, slight hyperbole, but you get my point)

Keep in mind that this was over the phone but after mentioning that English was technically my second language he asked what my first language is. When I told him it was Spanish he was like : "Oh...you don't have an accent...?" I just sort of awkwardly replied..."Well I was born here so..."

I dated a guy who was objectively very smart and had an impressive career and once he asked me if horses had teeth. I was dumbfounded and said of course they did, and he asked if I was sure. 😑 I used to work on a horse farm

dark african woman here, husband is pale red head mexican, our kids look white compared to me. first time i went out after i had my daughter a white woman stared at me the whole 10 minutes i breastfed my baby. i thought she was gonna call security. but i get it.