It was peace to all men, and women, in Sloane Street - except Cheska. Only Victoria stopped Christmas ruining Made In Chelsea, says Jim Shelley

It was Christmas on Made In Chelsea so viewers were subjected to the disappointing, dismaying sight of the characters we’ve come to know and hate being nice to one another.

Not what anyone wants frankly.

Victoria was 'a toffee-nosed princess' according to Lucy Watson and it's true her nose and her whole face did look as if they were made of toffee. Still, she made sure the Christmas spirit didn't stop the bitching in MIC

After weeks of pompous objections for example, Spencer gave his ‘blessing’ to Jamie’s attempts to woo Lucy Watson. Yawn.

Andy and Louise had a drink together, with Louise putting on her poshest voice and toasting: ‘Mair Chris-marse ! To friendsheep !’ Stitch that !

Even Phoebe made friends with Fran – an attitude that makes Phoebe so redundant, I trust she has tendered her resignation from the show.

‘Yeah maybe I’m a bit pi**ed off the things you did, but I just want to forget about it,’ she told Fran, expertly managing to shoe-horn in one last spiteful dig.

Unseemly 1: Spencer gave his 'blessing' to Jamie to woo Lucy Watson, sealing their 'bro-mance' with a kiss

Unseemly 2: Louise (above) and Andy (Nostrils) made their peace with Andy buying the ex-girlfriend who betrayed him some leggings. Obviously, they were too big for her

Unseemly 3: Phoebe made up with Fran, promising not to be poisonous about her any more - which in her case is a gesture which should cause her to resign from the show

For the most part, it was full of Christmas scenes that were absurdly stagey even for Chelsea.

There was supposedly a ‘hunt’ involving horse and hounds, tracking down Proudlock and Jamie.

This would have been much better if they had been pursuing real plebs, from the dole office perhaps, or pet Geordies – like the brilliant sketch in Harry & Paul.

Spencer pulls again. The only cast member that likes him, although to be fair to the dumb beast, it didn't know him. And neither did the horse

Spencer for example was seen walking along casually talking to his horse.

‘If anybody asks, say we had a flat tyre,’ he told it. ‘Let me do the talking’ – the sort of hilarious wit and charm that made his name (at least in his mind).

Endless dreary scenes about the desperately dull relationship between Alex and Binky were only enlivened by Binky’s frisky mother (played by Jennifer Saunders), lusting after her daughter’s beau.

‘I bet you look wonderful on a huge stallion,’ she slavered.

No wonder he didn’t risk letting her pull his cracker on Christmas Day.

The ever frisky Binky's mum (played by Jennifer Saunders) lusted over her daughter's beau Alex so much he couldn't risk sampling her Christmas dinner

Spencer in particular let the side down.

His psychotherapy session was almost normal, not the usual psychotic drivel,and only bordering on the mildly delusional.

Spencer's poor therapist stifles a yawn as he drones on about how he has become (don't laugh) 'a better person' and wonders why he has come to the session dressed as a member of Big Country

'I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK...' Spencer said he was enjoying his new life alone. Lying in other words

‘All in all,’ he droned on, barely noticing the therapist stifling a yawn, ‘recently I’ve been a lot more honest with people – and myself – and as a result I feel much better for it.’

‘Mmmh...’ she murmured, understandably unimpressed by someone who is such a big liar talking about honesty.

‘Being single is just the best thing for me,’ he continued – not to mention best for Chelsea’s female population too. ‘I think I’ve suddenly matured and that maturity has come with just spending time on my own.’

He didn't mention that it hadn't actually been voluntary.

Spencer even offered to go shopping with Lucy Watson to help her buy Jamie a Christmas present, which, she acknowledged, was ‘weird.’

‘But it sounds as if it’s coming from a good place,’ she cooed, which was even weirder, given that she knows Spencer doesn’t have a good place.

His idea of helping - ‘buy him something to do with warthogs’ - was weirdest of all.

'I didn't see this coming', said Lucy Watson to Spencer as they went shopping together, but then she hadn't read that week's script

‘It does feel like we’ve come quite a long way,’ he simpered unbecomingly, stopping just sort of saying they had been ‘on a journey.’

‘I didn’t see this happening !’ Lucy Watson admitted. (She hadn’t read that week's script.) ‘I’ve not forgiven you for what you did because what you did was horrible. But I’ve definitely forgotten about it now’ (although not enough that she did just bring it up).

Spencer's best idea was that Lucy Watson should ‘put a bow on yourself. Jamie would like that.’

Who wouldn’t?

Louise also had a go and discussing Lucy Watson's feelings about Jamie, although it was difficult to concentrate on her point of view when she was wearing a riding hat that was bigger than her entire face

Louise also had a gratuitous go at discussing Lucy Watson’s ‘feelings’ towards Jamie, although it was hard for Lucy Watson or any of us to concentrate when she was wearing a riding hat the same size as her entire head.

‘So you and Jay-mair haven’t spo-kaine?’ Louise questioned, trying to sound as posh as the others.

‘No,’ wailed Watson, uncharacteristically and unappealingly soppy. ‘This is the longest I haven’t spoken to him in ages, it’s horrible. I don’t like it.’

‘Isn’t it preddy obvious that he wants to bay with yewwwwww?’

It was all ‘preddy naw-zee-aid-ing’, as Louise would say.

Luckily, Victoria was on hand to compensate for all this festive guff, summoning all the vitriol only someone with real breeding can muster and firing it at Lucy Watson and particularly Cheska.

Last week Lucy Watson had described Victoria as ‘the definition of a toffee-nosed princess’ and certainly her nose does LOOK as if it’s made out of toffee, as does her entire face.

'You're wearing ear muffs ! You look like you're working in an air traffic control tower !' sneered Victoria to Cheska, who ignored the insult, mostly because she couldn't hear it as she was wearing ear muffs

By an amazing coincidence, they bumped into each other ice-skating – possibly the world’s poshest ice rink.

‘You have ear muffs on ! Like you’re working in a radio control tower !’ Victoria chortled – an insult that was rather wasted on Cheska - because she was wearing ear muffs.

‘You what ?!’ Cheska asked, taking them off.

Fran ploughed in to defend her friend.

‘It was a joke !’ Victoria shrieked. ‘Do you have to take everything so personally?’

‘When it’s personal, you have to take it personally !’ Fran observed, sagely.

Acid tongue: The only girl brave enough to have a go back at Victoria was, Lucy who asked Victoria 'Why are you dressed like a prostitute?'

Always one to relish a good bitch fight (a bad one admittedly being hard to find), Lucy Watson skated over to join in too.

‘What were you saying about me?’ she asked Victoria.

‘She called you ''tacky'',’ chipped in Fran, helpful as ever.

Bitch fight: Sophie (left) and Victoria (toffee-nosed) taunt Cheska for wearing ear muffs, even though they were the ones decked in fur

Lucy Watson refuted Victoria’s claim that she had been rude about her.

‘I’m not rude about people I don’t even know !’ she stated with a kind of pride, indicating just the ones she does.

With the ennui that only the very rich are familiar with, Victoria decided to up the ante.

‘Why are you talking like you’re some hood rat ?!’ she demanded of Lucy Watson, who compared to Victoria is from the ghetto (or the ‘gheddo’ as they would call it).

‘Why are you dressed like a prostitute?!’ Lucy Watson snapped back. ‘You’re dressed like a really expensive prostitute !’

‘Well at least I’m not a f**king cheap one !’ Victoria laughed, with her priorities seemingly more on how pricey her look was, rather than whether she was on the game.

'Why are you dressed like an expensive prostitute ?' Lucy Watson sniped at Victoria (left), who was actually quite happy to be described as looking 'expensive'

Round Two was at the Christmas dinner they all obligingly attended, whether they liked each other or not or had a life.

Victoria didn’t look like a gal who enjoys polishing off a cheese plate and so it proved.

‘Oh my god, it smells as bad as Lucy’s breath does !’ she shrieked.

Your breath stinks like cheese: Victoria unleashed another moment when she insulted first Lucy and then Cheska

‘Why are you being so mean ? It’s Christmas !’ Cheska intervened, heart-broken and unwisely as it turned out, as it was this festive appeal that tipped Victoria over the brink and provoked the extraordinary demand: ‘Stop opening your f**king fat mouth you f**king fat turkey !’

Unsurprisingly, the room was silenced. The way Victoria cackled afterwards didn't help.

Even Phoebe was blushing over the poisonous ferocity involved.

It was, I’m afraid to say, even ruder than me calling her Robbie Savage.

What did she say? Lucy could not believe that Victoria had insulted Cheska

Postscript: This week the cast could be seen frequenting the following places. Botley's Mansion, The Phene, The Bluebird, Broadway House, Burlington Arcade in Mayfair, The Metropolitan in Westbourne Park, Crockford Bridge farm, Weybridge and Winchester in Hampshire (which is near Chelsea – nearer than South Africa any way).