Write your own Terrance Dicks novelisation

Remember all those classic Target
books from the late seventies? Ever wonder how Uncle Terrance managed to keep on churning
them out, one a month, and still have time to script-edit the Sunday Classics? Contrary to
popular belief, our Tel didn't use a computer to compile all those long, long chapters and
dense, type-filled pages. No, he did it all by hand, with the aid of a number of tables
and a pair of dice. Now, for the first time, Five Hundred Eyes is proud to present an
extract from one of those tables, used by the great man himself for the introductory
chapter to all his famed "late Tom Baker series". All you need is a die and you
too can write like the Master - simply choose one phrase from each line, using the die to
select each classic gem of wisdom.

1

2

3

4

5

6

Through the vortex, that
mysterious place where time and space are one, sped a police box that was not a police box
at all

A police box which was not a police box at all
sped through the space-time vortex

Somewhere in the space-time
continuum there was a police box which was not a police box at all

Through the swirling chaos of the space / time
vortex sped the incongruous shape of a police box that was not a police box at all

Another craft was spinning
through the Space Time vortext. From the outside it resembled an old police

The police box, which was not a police box at
all, sped through that mysterious void where time and space are one

Inside the impossibly large control room

Inside was a large
ultra-modern control room. By a many-sided central console

Inside the control room, which was dominated by
a many-sided central console

Inside its impossibly large
control room

Inside it was an impossibly large control room
with a many-sided central console

Inside the police box was an
ultra-modern control room where

a tall curly-haired man in a
broad brimmed hat and long trailing scarf

a tall man in a loose, vaguely Bohemian jacket
and long scarf

a tall man with a flopped hat
jammed on top of a mop of curly brown hair

a tall man in comfortable Bohemian clothes and
an impossibly long scarf

a tall man in a battered
broad brimmed hat and an incredibly long scarf

a very tall man with a tangle of curly hair,
wearing a loose-fitting, vaguely Bohemian coat

The man was that mysterious traveller in time
and space known as the Doctor.

The man was that mysterious
traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.

The man was that mysterious traveller in time
and space known as the Doctor.

The man was that mysterious
traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.

The man was that mysterious traveller in time
and space known as the Doctor.

The man was that mysterious
traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.

And there you have it - simplicity itself, Just repeat for another 126 pages (or 106 if
the plot isn't up to it - don't forget there's always big print!) and Voila! another
instant bestseller. To adapt for other Doctors, just replace phrase three with
"young-old face", "pleasant open face" or any other well-known cliche.

General points to remember

Always begin the first chapter with a one-sentence paragraph, the shorter
the better. For example : "The planet was alive"; "The spaceship was
old"; or "People disappear." If you can make all the paragraphs one
sentence, so much the better.

Never use words of more than three syllables, unless the word is
"dimensionally-transcendental".

Chapters should have nouns for titles: eg. "The Nightmare"; "The
Outcast"; or "The Escape". "The Trap" and "The Ultimate
Battle" or "The Final Battle" are always useful.

Don't forget that the Tardis always lands with a "strange wheezing-groaning
sound" (how could you?), that the Doctor's assistants are always "small and
pretty" and never to use ten words where one will be much less descriptive. Above
all, stop after 126 pages or else (dread of dreads) Target might have to use small print!
Happy writing!