Today sucks. I started feeling an icky tummy as soon as I got off work yesterday. 4 am, it's worse and by 6:30 determine I best stay home. I've been trying to get some work in, but my brain isn't too functional. Looks like I'll be working on the weekend.

Why do I constantly offer up a suggestion to bassman, that as soon as I offer it, I regret it? I have a bad habit of doing this. Looks like I need to think about my "acts of kindness" in more detail prior to verbalizing them. Is this part of the "possible possible borderline personality disorder" I was diagnosed with in 2001?

Like Monday, I told bassman I wanted to attend the local munch on Friday (today) and possibly he go see wild orchid afterwards and maybe they move Thursdays back to Friday with tons of ?? marks to him in the text as well as the statement "we really need to all sit down and figure out schedules".

So that has caused a shit storm of issues for us this week. I never felt I made the suggestion "set in stone" and then he jumped at it. I tried explaining yesterday at some point, it'd be nice to hear from him "i'd actually like to go back home with you after the munch".

This is what happened this week. He got scheduled to have Wed & Thurs off. Normally it's Tues & Wed. So he could go camping with wild orchid, he switched Tues and Thurs with a co-worker. He ended up having to work a night shift yesterday and not days as normal. I tried to explain that during wild orchid's stressful life over the last few weeks I feel I've been very ambicable with having her over and them taking time to go be alone on "our night" or "our family night". I explained yesterday that it wasn't "my fault you didn't get your Thursday overnight this week and why should I loose my Friday, if I choose to go out alone or spend time with you. We've agreed Fridays are my nights".

I don't date right now, kind of put that on the back burner - too damn draining. I am tentatively forming a D/s relationship with Sir (figure that's who he is and best to just call him that here) but I still need "me" time. Bassman gets Mondays & Thursdays and when ever they can find other time to see each other during the week as well as talking 2-3 times a day on the phone and texting throughout the day.

(I had some great stuff written and apparently I "cut" but cannot paste-argh. Not sure what was in between above and what is below but this is my best attempt to recreate):

I received a text from wild orchid yesterday asking if everything was ok. I get the sense bassman told her a bit about our issues this week but not the full details. I just told her "communication issues". I proceeded to ask via text or more inform bassman I have no problems with wild orchid visiting him at the house today while I'm at work. It's not like that's taking away "me time".

His response, touched my soul, and really let me know he does care about me, he does care about "us" and working on "us". He wrote this back to me:

"My relationship with you comes before Wild Orchid coming over for a couple of hours today. I want you to feel confident that I can be trusted and you can start opening up to me".

So here is part of his issue with me: I don't tell him much about who I chat with. I don't see the point, mainly since, um, my life is quite boring, honestly. What caused his upset with me on Wed was that wild orchid discussed with him how I'm chatting with my potential new metamour (one of them at least) that is with Sir. I don't know why I never told bassman about that. I know I've told him she contacted me a few weeks ago, but he can't remember that conversation. Actually it seems like any time I "speak" of a potential he doesn't remember it. Honestly I think I need to start recording conversations with bassman. Texts...he remembers...hearing me...not. But he was hurt and upset that he heard about my new potential metamour from his girlfriend and not from his wife.

And then wonderboy sent me a text last night. I responded a bit. Wonderboy is trying to get me to visit him in Portland next month. I won't be going. My focus is kids, bassman and Sir right now. Visiting Sir in 11 days and if there is that "connection", I know I'd like to visit him every one to two months if not more. And that's what is different for me with Sir than wonderboy. Sir is interested in a relationship. Wonderboy just wants sex. No way in hell am I getting myself off somewhere for 8 hours to just have sex. When I saw him in Januray...I was already going there.

Back to bassman and his need for me to open up to him. Texts from wonderboy caused him to be upset with me this morning. I am so damn confused. I don't ask for details of what bassman is texting wild orchid. I do ask, once in a while, like if we're chilling in bed, who he's texting. And every once in a while I'll see an email (not upset ever by the content) that he sends while it's "us" time and I get a little upset by that. See, I don't get much interaction from him when he's on his overnight. And I don't mind their constant need to be in contact with each other, but at some point, if we're on a date or we're camping, I'd really appreciate thoughts to be on me...not her and vice versa.

He replied that when he's with her he thinks about me and vice versa. Okay, that's fine...words words words...really don't mean much. Actions are so more telling for me. And if he doesn't send me a good night text (like last night at 11ish he had to step outside to call her and say "goodnight") I call him on it.

Actually yesterday I sent him a pdf of my text log (90 pages from 6/4 to 6/11 am). Just to show him who I am in contact with. Sir I exchange two to three texts, once in a while a few more, a day but not a lot. Most texts are with him, wild orchid and teen and sometimes the other soccer parents from the group texting. That's it.

I think bassman has been under the impression I'm texting/messaging with tons of guys. But I am not. See, that's how much he's aware of me. It's not that I haven't been open, I just haven't had anything to tell him.

But back to this need of his. I get I'm not 100% open about my thoughts and emotions. Kinda hard to be since it gets us into bad ugly confrontations. I internalize quite a bit. I'm trying to change and not bring up little things (oh aint' that a crux, isn't it the "little things" that are truly big things in reality)?

My weak points: I don't open up and my daily interactions with bassman and he and I now know why. I don't trust him. It hurt for him to hear that from me but that's our reality. How can I share my innermost thoughts with a person, even if I've been with them for over 21 years, if there is no trust?

Bassman weak points: He isn't good at communicating schedules to me or wild orchid. He's trying and is getting better at it but even this week was a fiasco...

That's enough for now. Need to try to get some work done. Have a good weekend everyone.