Metro Lowers Performance Standards: What do you do when your transit agency's trains are arriving on time much less often than they used to? If you're WMATA, turns out you just lower the on-time performance goals to match the slide in service. The Washington Times reports that Metro's board on Thursday voted to lower goals for on-time train arrivals from 95 percent to 90 percent, on-time bus arrivals from 80 percent to 78 percent, and only 89 percent of the system’s escalators now need to be working, as opposed to 93 percent. Keep reaching for the stars, WMATA!

Turner Elementary Students Served Raw Onions as Snacks: So says the Examiner's Lisa Gartner, who followed this cafeteria snafu all the way to its source: School food contractor Chartwells had intended to serve zucchini sticks, but somehow ended up bundling raw green onions instead. A few classrooms at Turner got the green onions before the principal intercepted the rest.

Wegman's Coming to Germantown: Official planned opening date for the coveted grocery store is March 2013, the Gazette reports. "The 150,000-square-foot store will anchor the 21 acres of The Shops at Seneca Meadows, at Ridge Road east of Interstate 270."

Cannonball! Cannonball! DC Mayor Vince Gray is set to officially open the District's public pools in a noon ceremony today, marking the official start of the summer season in Washington. City Paper asks the really important question: Will Gray cannonball into the pool? The tradition started by Anthony Williams was poo-pooed by Adrian Fenty, but perhaps our current embattled mayor will seize the chance to be seen as willing to have fun.

DC Drivers Are the Worst: Something you may have intuited already: drivers in the Washington area are the worst in the country, at least according to the results of GMAC's National Drivers Test, which rates drivers based on a 20-question written test based on actual state driving exams. FOX5 reports that only 71.8 percent of DC drivers surveyed could pass the test. Maryland didn't do much better, 73.3 percent able to pass the test.