Re: Dr. Jankovich

Thanks, Terri, for the site suggestion. I did read her posts and they were helpful. Thanks, too, to the creators of this new topic. I look forward to talking with others who have lost a loved one. Perhaps we can be of some help to each other, or at least be a place where we can write our thoughts in a safe place, knowing those that are reading understand what we are going through.

Since Dan's death a month ago (can it really be a month?), I have attended two bereavement group meetings, seen a counselor, and purchased several books on grief. Seems as if I am frantically trying to find someone who can tell me how to do this...how to manage the aching and longing I have for him....how to live without him....what will make the lonliness go away. Of course, no one can do this. I keep being told only time will make it better. But I also find myself wanting to scream that I don't want to learn how to live without him! I don't want to start a new life--one that does not include him.

I started work again last week and being in my office does help. It is such a busy place, with so much to do, and it does keep me distracted. Of course, the end of the day is very hard, knowing I have to go home and he won't be there. This weekend, I took my oldest granddaughter to Disneyland for the weekend. She is 14 and is having a hard time, too--she was very close to her grandfather---and I thought getting away would help us both. We had a good time--but I still found it hard to not think of Dan and kept wishing he were with us. Can you picture someone with tears streaming down her face in the "happiest place on earth?" Couldn't help it--we shared so many good times there. And the memories are everywhere I go--Dan and I did everything together.

I still haven't touched his clothes--his shoes and slippers are still on the closet floor where he left them, and his bathrobe is still hanging on the hook by the shower. I can't bring myself to move them. His office is the hardest place to go into--Dan left so many notes and it breaks my heart to read all of the scribblings he made while talking wtih doctors about test results and appointments to be made--his illness consumed so much of his life (which now makes me angry to think about.) I've come across several of his "to do" lists. He had so many things he wanted to accomplish before he left us. I know now why one of the last things he told me on the day he died was, "I still have so much to do." I guess God decided he had done enough.

Someone gave me a journal after he died and I have been writing to Dan almost every day. It helps a lot and I always feel better after I have written. Sometimes my pen just flies across the page as I pour out all my thoughts and feelings. As much as I look forward to writing to him, I am also sad that after over 40 years of having him with me to talk to, all I have left now is a journal to share my thoughts with. It's such a lonely feeling and all this is still so unbelievable.

Sorry for going on and on and being such a "downer." It has been a long day and I'm just missing Dan so much. I hope all of you that are missing your loved ones, too, find peace and understanding. I know I will get there one day....it just seems so hard right now.

Re: Dr. Jankovich

Juanita..... You have no need to apologize and you certainly are not a downer. If I could only express in words how much your post just opened my heart. I know without a miracle I will succumb to this disease and oddly I seem to be living the feelings you expressed in your post. Only the feelings are for the loved ones I will leave behind and yes I feel like I too have so much to do or get done. I know It is not possible to cram another 30 years in to who knows when. But I can certainly start spending more time with my family and throw away all the notes and scribbles of my research. I need to stay off this computer when my wife is home and spend that time with her! There is not a day that goes by I don't think of what, if, or will my wife,children and grandchildren be okay? You know I'm sure they will be just fine but this paranoia feeling of me not being here to protect or help in time of need just keeps replaying. I better stop for now as my little girl and her children are on thier way in the door. Thanks! Juanita May god give you the strength! In time things will get easier but you will never ever til eternity forget! Thanks again for opening my heart and eyes of the present.Jeff G.

Re: Dr. Jankovich

Jeff - If my post helped you in some way, I'm so glad. It's good to know that the pain I am feeling now can be used in a positive way. The thoughts you expressed about leaving your family unprotected are the same thoughts Dan expressed so often. He told me he wasn't afraid to die, just afraid to leave us. He loved caring for his family and I know it was hard for him to think about leaving us alone. Dan knows, and I hope you know, too, Jeff, that we will never be alone. The love he had and that you have for your family will live on in the hearts of those that love you, as will the wonderful memories.

I received a beautiful card from one of Dan's co-workers today that I want to share with you. The message on the card was just what I needed to hear. It reads:

"The time comes when those whom we have loved the longest and the best,Will travel far ahead into a place of joy and rest...

And we must walk a lonely path through shadows for a while,Without a certain kindred voice,A dear, familiar smile.

Yet each day brings us nearer to horizons yet unknown,And even when the way is dark,We never walk alone.

For memories travel with us toward the happy destination,Where we will join our loved ones in eternal celebration."

Jeff, I believe that God sends us comfort through messengers here on earth and I believe He sent the words I needed to hear through this very kind man, and through you. I'll pray that God sends you the miracle you need to stay with your family for a long time, and I'll pray for strength for you and your family. God will get us all through these terrible trials. He has a plan for us---one that will end with us being with our families for eternity. No more illness, no more fear of separation. What a joy that will be!

Re: Dr. Jankovich

Hello Juanita.... Thank You for sharing that message from Dan's co-workers. Yes , your post really helped me very much. The sharing of your thoughts and feelings and how Dan talked about his worries really hit home for me. It's amazing how God's children think so alike during trying times like this. I bet he went over a list of things not to forget about as well. I told my wife I would make a list of things not to forget about; you know those things that I would normally do, like change the air filter in the furnace and the batteries in the smoke detectors, Oil and filter changes for the vehicles. I better stop before I run out of space. Ha! Juanita, again Thanks for sharing and I pray your future will brighten sooner than later. I know my wife will have to grieve one day, I've told her that's okay and normal, but then I want her to be happy and enjoy family and life. God Bless you and your Family.Jeff G.

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