Seeking safety

Ever since the event (the second event), I feel so broken. My confidence, my security, and my innate sense of self was shattered.

And now I am just existing. I am so different. I am promiscuous. It doesn't make sense. I don't really enjoy it. Yet I still actively do it. With new people, different people, people I don't really want.

Why?

And then, it hit me. I am not after the sex. I am not even after the people. I am trying to find something. Something unobtainable. I want the thing that broke me to fix me.

I want to feel safe again. To feel loved.

But I am too vulnerable to love.

I shield myself from pain, from hurt, from emotion. To the point where I shut off everything. And I am just existing. Looking for anything that might make me live again.

Share this comment

Link to comment

Wow, so well written. It is so encouraging how you expressed yourself. I did the same thing from 15 yrs old until 45 yrs old. I am now only 46 yrs old, so I don't yet feel like I have achieved much. But thank you for sharing, for being so open and honest here. -k

Share this comment

Link to comment

Thankyou. It is so helpful to have a place that is open enough to be able to really say what I mean. .It was daunting at first, and I kept rewriting, but after a few tries, you gain in confidence and the words start coming. If you ever feel the need to express yourself, I encourage you to try it and if i can help you, I am here

Share this comment

Link to comment

I did the same thing from the age of 18 to 24. Sometimes I wonder whether I agreed to having sex because i was scared that if i said no, it would just be taken away from me forcefully. I am 26 now and I am still terrified but slowly learning to say no