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I don't know why I am reaching out to Reddit for this right now. I guess it is because he was an avid Reddit(er?) and was so proud when he made the front page one day lol. So here ya go Reddit. MMFB.

I was in a relationship with my boy for 5 years. The beginning of our relationship was not so great. He cheated, I stayed. He wasnt really into for the first year or so, I was. Then one day, he woke up, and started treating me really fucking amazing. I think by that point, I knew I deserved better and when he started treating me how I felt he should have, I took it for granted. I pushed him away until finally he broke up with me. He expected me to fight for it, but I saw it as a way out. 2 weeks later, he wanted me back but I wanted differently. I wanted my chance to be independent and do what I wanted to do. You see, I always put myself on the back-burner and took care of him first. When we broke up, that gave me the opportunity to do me first. I was loving it.

We still talked almost everyday and were really good friends. I was ok with just being friends but he wasnt. He never gave me the opportunity to miss him because he was always there when I needed help or someone to talk to. Again, I took this for granted. I knew he was depressed about us and that depression ran in his family. I just assumed he was ok.

When we were dating, he would use percoset recreationally. At first it was occasional, then it became more frequent. I do not like opiates and I did not like who he was when he was on them. Don't get me wrong, I am no muggle. I have struggled with my own addictions, and those happened to be uppers, not downers. We would fight constantly about this. He would argue that if I could do my drugs, he could do his. I would argue that he could never tell when I was on mine unless I told him so, whereas he was a completely different person on his. A person I didn't like. This was definitely a factor in our break-up.

When we broke up, he started using more and more. Of course he was lying to me and telling me that he was clean. But I know when someone is jammed out just by talking to them. I didn't think much of it because I knew it was just the percs, and to my knowledge, you can't really OD on percs. Right? Little to my knowledge, he was up to buying 20 30mgs a week.

After much digging around after he died, I found out that he had begun shooting percs about 2 1/2 months ago. He got really sick one day from shooting those, so he turned to booting dope. Again, He was telling everyone else about it but me. He still had the hope of us getting back together and didnt want to ruin it. Oh how I wish he would have told me. Nobody else did either.

On November 2nd, he had gone to a friend's house (a mutual friend who i had no idea was using) and went in on a bag with her. He shot up in her bathroom before he left, then went home. A friend (who definitely does NOT use) was gonna come by and hang out with him, maybe grab a beer and catch up. The friend found him in the apartment with a needle turning blue. 911 was obviously called and he was pronounced dead 45 minutes later.

So the guilt trip begins. I cannot stop coming to the conclusion that this is all my fault. I won't hear it from any of you that it was not. I knew when we were together that he was depressed and suicidal. I pushed him away from me so that I could go about doing my own thing KNOWING that he had a history of depression. His addiction was controlled when he was with me, and spiraled out of control because of me. This is nor even bringing up the point that we were not talking when this happened. I was even about to apologize to him because of the fight we had but was always too busy at work or forgot about it before I was able to. The night he died, he had a conversation (with the person who went in with him) about a friend of ours who had lost his boyfriend in March. He said (about our friend) that it was a shame that (our friend) was still stuck in his depression 6 months later and not moving on. He said that a person's death is meaningless if their loved ones forget to live the lives they were supposed to because of the grief that overcomes them. I took this to be a verbal note. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems that in his state of mind, he may not have had a death wish, but didn't care whether he stayed or went.

Though we were not together at the time, I loved him and will continue to love him very much. During the most recent fight we were having, before i decided to apologize, I started to miss him. The one thing I wanted and he wouldn't allow me to do. Now it is too late and I will miss him always. He treated me like a princess and I never saw it until now. I will forever regret taking him for granted and causing the deep depression that (I believe) ended his life. I killed him and I am forever sorry. I cannot bear this burden that I carry.

Honey, it seems like he knew that you would get him to /stop/ using, because he didn't want to tell you. Drug abuse is NOT the person! A history of depression is not caused by a single person. It's internal. And drug abuse is a symptom of it. Drug addiction does not 'go away' when a single thing in a person's life changes. He would still have been addicted even if you were with him, and he still would have been depressed unless he got medical treatment.

You seem to be the reason he was trying to keep his life together. You are not to blame for his using. You are also not to blame for being loved. He loved you, that is why he treated you well.

And lastly, I've been in that position as the only means of support for someone. It's not a healthy place to be, and don't let his death stop you from protecting yourself in the future. Even though you two weren't together, you said he was in your life all the time - you never 'missed' him because he was there. Recall those times - those were probably the happiest for him! And you didn't push him away so far that you didn't see him, you just weren't codependent with him.

He loved you, and you loved him - regardless of whether you openly showed it, he knew. It's sad that he died, and unfortunate that the society around us does not provide care for those with mental illness, but you provided him with a great deal of comfort throughout your entire relationship - whether "together" or not. Take care of yourself, and meditate on your memories together fondly.

I am sorry for your loss and it absolutely is not your fault. As a heroin addict I can tell you that I love my partner dearly and we fight a lot. Thoughts of suicide crop up all the time, because I am a fuck-up not because of anyone else. Accidents happen too, when you use you gamble your life all the time. Nearly every heroin addiction spirals out of control at some point, that's what separates recreation from addiction. If you took him back it still had just as much chance of happening. When we lose someone we love of course all the 'what ifs' are going round and round in our head. That's normal. You're grieving. Please try to be gentle on yourself as much as you can at this time (easier said than done, right?) It was not your fault.