Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #19

TITLE: Miss Mayhem
GENRE: Chick Lit

When those photoshopped nudes of Destinee Faith Miller showed up on the internet, she thought it would be an easy fix, but a week and a video later, her business is as busted as her reputation. If she can't fix the leak, she'll lose everything important to her, including the man she sometimes love.

When you say "she" in the first line, is the she Destinee? Maybe you could rephrase this so the pronoun isn't as confusing. You probably don't need her full name either, but an attribute plus her first name works.It's also a good place to show voice. Something like:

When self-employeed [type] shop owner Destinee finds nude photos of herself online, she [what does she actually do to try and fix it? (which fails)]. But a week and a video upload later, her business is as busted as her reputation.

I would maybe then add in who she suspects the leak is coming from; a hint, not necessarily a name. Or if you keep it more generic, you could say "If she can't track down who leaked the photos, she'll lose her business and [what else is important to her, specifically?]

The man she sometimes loves muddies this up. It may fit great in your story but feels like too much here since we don't know whether this guy is helping or a suspect. If he's a suspect you want that in there to show conflict and stakes.

Also, I'm sure you might know this, but chick lit as a genre label causes people to cringe these days. Can you categorize this as women's fiction, mystery, or suspense? Just a thought. In RWA, the Chick Lit chapter changed to Contemporary Romance chapter because of the stigma of the Chick Lit label.

I would probably state who Destinee is within the community as to why the photos would destroy her. I mean, if she's a tv personality, that's going to be devastating. If she is somewhat of a nobody, people will quickly forget.

I agree that this all needs to be in present tense. Also, you need to establish why she needs to fix the leak if these are faked anyway. Are there more fake ones out there? Is the person leaking them trying to accomplish something? And why will she lose the man she sometimes loves if they are fake (by the way, the word "sometimes" totally washes out these stakes...if she isn't even sure she loves him, then we don't care if she loses him!)

I won't repeat the things previously mentioned. I do want to point out leaked nude pics, even photoshopped ones, aren't an easy fix on the internet. I saw that and thought you protagonist was the most naive character to grace contemporary romance. Sorry, but I had to bring that to your attention. That man she 'sometimes loves' didn't help her.

This isn't about your logline so much as trying to save your character.

I think you've got all the right components here - clear MC, clear stakes, clear problem to overcome, but it needs to be rewritten/reorganized with a bit more clarity. Because this genre is Chick Lit, I happen to love "the man she sometimes loves." In any other genre, I would agree with the comments above, but because this is chick lit, I think you'll hook a lot of women readers with that bit of snark and inability to commit in your last line.

When business owner (can you tell us what her business is for an extra detail? bonus points if she sells bible study books!), Destinee Faith Miller discovers photoshopped nude photos of herself on the Internet, she thinks it will be an easy fix, but one week later, her business is as busted as her reputation. If she can't [maybe wording other than fix the leak such as 'restore her reputation' or 'prove they're fake'], she'll lose the man she loves as well as her business.