Monday, June 14, 2010

The Six Worst Types of People on the Planet: Part 3

3. Hipsters - Pretty much the epitome of douchebags, they are constantly exerting themselves in an effort to be cool by doing things that are not cool. They want to come across as a person who mainstream pop culture does not influence at all, because they are hip to the latest and greatest thing. So let's go over ways to spot hipsters so you can avoid this bottom-feeding lifeform.

I. They wear stupid glasses. The most common hipster glasses are the black rimmed glasses that Weezer wears. Although that is the most common form, you can see any form of stupid glasses being used for hipsters to appear to look cool. Here are stupid glasses that only a Hipster would wear:

II. They spend as much time on their hair as a girl would. If you're a guy, you should keep things simple. Do you know the last time I brushed my hair? Neither do I, but it definitely hasn't happened this decade. Washing my hair means that it's good to go 95% of the time. Hipsters fashion their hair, using brushes, hair dryers, and hair straighteners. Is this necessary? Obviously not, but this is the type of shit that hipsters love to do.

III. They wear skinny jeans. Skinny jeans will never be acceptable. Wait, strike that, Frank Reynolds can pull off skinny jeans, but no other person can.

IV. They say you don't get it. Since they are always trying to be on the cutting edge of popular culture, they look down upon people who don't know the coolest new bands or watch movies that are successful at the box office. Here is the problem with their notion that these unpopular things are actually really good. They're usually not. When you point that out to them, their response is "Well, you just don't get it." Hey hipster, fuck you. I get it; it's just not good. You aren't on some artistic high-ground where you understand shitty things on a deeper level than me. You're just a fucking tool who tries way too hard to be cool.

V. They love irony. God damnit, do they love irony. Hence, you'll see them with super cool facial hair. They don't grow facial hair to look good, they do it to look back at historical facial hair to show how amusing it was. God, hipsters really need to go fuck themselves.

Another form of being ironic was just brought to my attention early last week. I came across it, thought, "Wow, people are turning into bigger douchebags than I ever thought possible." Luckily, it was so douchey that I never thought I would come across this situation. Then, on Friday, I saw groomsmen from my sister's wedding doing it to my new brother in law. After that, I got a message bringing up this phenomena and saying that I have been warned. I couldn't fucking believe it. I hope everyone who has done this realizes that this is hipster behavior. What is this behavior? Something called Bros Icing Bros. It is people who give their buddy a Smirnoff Ice, and he has to chug it while taking a knee or be banished from the icing game. Really guys? It's "hilarious" because Smirnoff Ice is so shitty, and you're making your buddy drink it. Oh wait, only total douchebags would find that entertaining. Just so everybody knows, if you "ice" me, you're just going to waste the $4 that it costs to buy a Smirnoff. I won't drink it, I won't give a shit if you whine about it, it'll simply go to waste or you can drink it. Enjoy that swill, hipster.

It's not that hard to create a game like that. I can create a game called Bros Getting Bros Shitty. When having a great time with your friends, you shit into a bowl or cup and present it to your buddy. Your buddy has to eat that shit unless he shows that he's actually already shit his pants. Let the good times roll, assclowns.

In conclusion, the basic rule of thumb is that if you see a person, and say, "Wow, that person is a huge douchebag," they're probably a hipster. I would say that hipsters are worthless, but they are far beyond worthless. Their existence lowers the enjoyment of life for everyone. I promise that if I am ever on a jury where a hipster was killed, the murderer will walk free.

-Joe

P.S. Just in case I haven't bitched to you about this yet, Brennan Cougill was #1 overall pick in the Prime Time League. All of my excitement for Iowa basketball was quickly deflated.

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