Monday, August 31, 2009

Body is sore, though not nearly as bad as it was after that threesome that was followed up by a morning of cross-fit. I did love how I could hardly move between the bruises on my skin and the muscle tension, propping myself up against a wall in the SFO airport waiting for my flight.

Last night was spent mired in Shakespeare. I felt like I was drowning in asshattery poorly disguised in flowered verse. Deception, I don't understand. Villany for the sake of villany I also do not understand. I need a motive. Much Ado About Nothing, both the book followed by the movie, left me annoyed. The wordplay, his puns, the innuendo, was lovely.

The characters, their failings, and the complete inability anyone could have in relating to them, was not.

Heart of Darkness was so much better. My bare feet kicked over the side of a leather armchair at Starbucks, highlighter alternately dangling from my fingers or my lips, happily burying myself in a battle between lofted civilization and the internal darkness of man, the changes that take place, but on the inside, as the good doctor told Marlowe.

Now that, that was a book.

I've started Chopin's The Awakening in order to free up the coming weekend and actually read my pleasure books. East of Eden and A Preferred Blur have been tossed by the wayside (the backseat of my car) until reading can resume.

Finished my paper last night, post-phonecall from GV8, discussing where he is, what he wants. Ever the pleaser, I tell him to tell me his desires, and I will act accordingly. More time spent will, uncontrollably, mean emotions entangled no matter what I wish to do because I've violated my own set rule: not to make lovers out of men you would actually date. So I tell him this, that if he is willing to explore that again, after calling a halt on our progression towards a relationship, then he needs to inform me. And if he does not wish to do so, we need to continue spending the amount of time we already do, so I do not get entangled with him.

If that happens, I will need to pick up another partner. I will need to pull back from him and exert balance in my life with a man of equal value, if I can find one that suits.

My monogamous nature, such as it is, makes this hard.

When I attach, I lose interest in others. I have no need for outside partners, unless it pleases the one I am with.

Which means, right now, while I would be able to have sex without issue with Playboy or HWF, because I have been with them before and repeatedly, a new partner makes me uncomfortable. I would have to break myself of that, make myself uncomfortable, and sleep with someone, like Ev, that I know would please me, once I got over this internal distaste in touching men other than GV8 or those previously established.

And Ev still is pursuing.

But I will not know what to do with that until GV8 determines what it is he wants.

It bothers me that I'm such a pleaser. That he has shown me what kind of man he is, and I can do nothing but adore, as much as I wish I would not. Someone so strong, so dominant, so experienced... I'm drawn in. He will let nothing defeat him and he has no fears.

3 comments:

"If that happens, I will need to pick up another partner. I will need to pull back from him and exert balance in my life with a man of equal value, if I can find one that suits."

I always have trouble with that last part. It seems when I *need* a man that I find engaging, the seemingly endless stream of them that appeared as soon as I was enthralled with someone new dries down to a pathetic trickle of clingers and inane player-wannabes.

I know I need to learn how to exert this balancing act without needing a new man of quality to tip the scales, but I haven't figured that out yet. I can be busy as a beaver (heh!) but my mind still drifts back. It really does take someone new to soak up the oxytocin to truly distract me.

I think you're still partly misreading this. And/or you're being just too protective of yourself about falling in love with gv8.

Yes you're finding that he DOES, miss you after you mutually agreed to spend much less time together, confined to pretty much just sex rather than doing things together. And then doing that for the last month or so. So that's all good, since you ARE strongly attracted to him, as I rather strongly felt/suspected despite your self protecting disclaimers after he pulled back and really even before he did.

Your instinct is that making yourself scarce or at least making him chase you is where it's at because of general game principles and because that's what caused him to miss you, you think. Well yes and no. He missed you because he is fond of you and something was growing, and he does want more of you than just sex every two weeks. But he's also warmed back up because you're downplaying you're playing on the side or anyway doing it away from his giving permission or such like.

I think what you said to him about doing what he wants re: other relationships was very positive. For making him want you more.

You have to remember what turned him off. It wasn't overexposure to you or feeling that you were becoming too clingy/devoted or too little of a challenge or anything like. It was disagreement over your doing "pickup" or random attractive men that he framed in terms of it being too manipulative and artificial. But which I told you I strongly felt was really about his feeling that he wouldn't have enough control or influence over you and and your sexual escapades for you to be his official girlfriend that he was identified with and committed to. He worried e.g. you might embarrass him with his friends and acquaintances which overlap. He did mention this as a consideration though he chose to frame it mostly as the pickup manipulation issue.

I said I thought that was because he's trying to grapple with his enjoying the ideas of you sometimes screwing other men, but him NOT liking as he thought about it the idea of you doing so completely away from his giving specific permission or I don't know maybe having a hand in picking the other guy or whatever. Not sure about these things in detail; you haven't talked about them in enough detail for me to be. But I did sense that he was getting a fear of being out of control and treated as a cuckold or having others see that, if you moved from occasional fuck buddy to girl that was identified by his friends and acquaintances as his girlfriend.

So all of this is telling me that being emotionally remote from him isn't the answer, nor is protecting yourself from feeling too much for him by finding another man of (you hope) equal attractiveness to you if you can to "balance" him i.e. prevent him from becoming too important to your heart before he himself has actually committed first.

To me for what it's worth that seems wrong. Yeah resist falling head over heels in love with him when he isn't yet going there too, but don't expect him to coldly map it all out in advance. Let it develop. And go light on the other men stuff while it does, or only do it within parameters he's comfortable with. With lots of talking. Try that out.

I find that, for me, merely going to bed with someone else is enough to start shaking the hold, to buy myself more time, to ground me in the reality of other men. If you're comfortable with that, it's a life-saver.

I do understand what you mean. Without that other male distraction, no matter how busy you get, your mind will always return to that one guy.

It's annoying, isn't it?

Doug1,

I am being protective of myself falling in love with him. I know I could have a better match. Not a wealthier, better looking, more mature match, but one whose character is more in sync with mine.

But I do care for him. And I could love him, much too easy. As much as others love to declare that my high partner count makes me numb to love, unable to bond, they're mistaken.

What makes it annoying for me is that, without his history, without his proven strength and experience, I would not be as attracted to him as I am. That knowing who he is and what he is done... it makes me gravitate towards him almost uncontrollably.

And, if he didn't have that, I likely wouldn't want him.

It's so incredibly superficial of me.

But those experiences make him who he is now, which is a man I care for.

Anyhow, I doubt you want to hear that babbling.

It is likely that he worried about his control of me. I am strongwilled and easily sexual. He has not seen me as I get when I commit to someone, so I can understand that base. Yes, the pick-up was an issue, but he also mentioned that he found it indicative of low self-esteem, and other of my behaviors similiar, which I think was something that really put him off.

So it becomes a combination of pick-up and low self-esteem. The latter, well, it's slowly going as I deal more and more with myself. The former, in your theory, as long as I allow him to control what, when, and who I do, he should be happy.

And I can work with that.

You are right, regarding that I need to not pursue a man to balance my emotions for him, at least not until he makes a decision on what he wants from me. I will continue to keep my sexual contact with others at a minimum, and continue to communicate with him.