Archives for April, 2011

Maybe he was a cheater or porn addict. Maybe she never could get over that other boyfriend or worse, was still seeing him. Whatever the reason - ending a relationship where you have become close and attached to each other - is going to hurt. This is the pain part - the one that makes the joys of life more rewarding and meaningful when they come. So to support your survivorship thru a difficult time, here are some suggested, tried and true rules for surviving a recent break-up.

Post Break-up Rule #1. Box up their stuff, tape the box closed and give the box to a friend - for a while. On the pain continuum, wandering around your home seeing his or her gifts, letters, pictures and stuff everywhere is about the same as bamboo shoved under the fingernails. You are better off putting the relationship reminders away for a while. Make sure you can get these things back...at some point he or she may want some of it returned or you may want some of it later. For now, put the pain provokers away.

While many people with sexual problems race to therapy the moment they have serious relationship, legal, work or health problems related to their sexual behavior, the solitary nature of those who compulsively masturbate often leaves their actions less subject to obvious problems. The compulsive masturbator will more often seek out therapy for relief from his depression, loneliness and relationship problems and not necessarily for sexual issues as compulsive masturbation carries some of the most shame, secrecy and isolation of all problem sexual behaviors– in both men and women.

Often avoidant of intimate sexuality and healthy intimacy in adult life and frequently raised with extensive histories of childhood abuse and/or neglect, compulsive masturbators are often the last to seek help as they don’t see or relate to their solo sexual behaviors as being an underlying source of their adult unhappiness. Many attend psycho-therapy for long periods of time unfortunately never discussing (sometimes never being asked to discuss) masturbation, thus their problem remains underground and untreated.

Compulsive masturbators do eventually have negative life consequences caused for example by viewing inappropriate materials i.e. child porn, physical injury or by masturbating in inappropriate places i.e. the workplace or car. However, the most frequent the long-term negative consequence of compulsive masturbation (with or without porn) is a life devoid of closeness, longstanding feelings of detachment, removed from deep emotions and relationship connections. Compulsive masturbators constantly live with hidden, isolation and shame along with an inability to work through the deeper psychological issues that are often the engine driving these addictive sexual behavior patterns.

For most adults, healthy sexuality is an integrated life experience. Sex with partners, with self, or as a part of exploring new relationships is usually a pleasurable act of choice. For sexual addicts, however, sexual behavior can be most often defined by words such as driven, compulsive and hidden.

Unlike healthy sex that is integrated into relationships, sexual addicts use sex as a means to cope, to handle boredom, anxiety and other powerful feelings or as a way to feel important, wanted or powerful.

Addiction is addiction, whether substance-based (alcohol or other drugs) or process based (gambling, overeating or sex). Here are several areas in which an addiction to sex mirrors the problems experienced when one suffers from alcoholism and drug addiction:

Until just recently, 1988 – 1998 could have been called The Golden Age of Phone Sex. Way back then (granny would remember), these mostly male callers would spend all the way from two-minutes to two-days lingering at home or in the office, paying to...

I'm pleased to introduce Sex and Intimacy in the Digital Age, a blog about sexual addiction and problems, adultery and cheating in the digital age of the Internet, smartphones, and always being connected. A day doesn't go by where we don't hear how the...