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Friday, October 30, 2015

Let's Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn't Know Marvel Comics (Part 5)

Ghost Rider

Undead guy. With a chain-whip. Who drives a motorcycle. And his head is a skull. On fire. You'd think this guy would be more popular, but maybe it's just one cool thing too much. He shares some anti-hero elements with the Punisher, but he made a deal with the devil to harvest nasty souls and escaped demons in exchange for... his power, I guess? I've never been all that clear on it. But I do like the idea of being a bounty hunter for Satan.

Green Goblin

I'm sorry, this guy is just too silly to be a main villain/antagonist. I mean, you talk about Batman and Joker, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, Gandalf and Sauron. Someone named Green Goblin doesn't sound that much worthy of a rivalry. Between the pumpkin bombs and the elf mask, he's more like a discount Halloween costume. Not Spider-Man's chief rival. Sounds like a cheap Chinese action figure. "Green Goblin - for punch of justice with great congratulations!"

Groot

He is Groot.

Gwen Stacy

I like the idea of having more than one strong love interest in a superhero's life. Makes better drama. And it's all the better when there's strong followings for both. Not like Lois Lane or some other cheap throw-in just to add conflict. I don't remember where Gwen Stacy originated in the comics -- in the movies she's either a vehicle for Black Spider-man to make Mary Jane jealous or a high school kid who also works at the world's leading science building. That's like Kevin from Wonder Years working at Boeing.

H.E.R.B.I.E.

WTF is this thing? A merchandising attempt? Did the guy who built a space station, flying car, and a prison for superheroes in the Marvel Phantom Zone build... a robosapien. I shudder to think how long it took someone to engineer what technobabble the acronym stands for. Anyway, the cute little robot is useless and I've never heard of him, so let's move on.

Havok

Some kind of early X-Man. I'm not sure if he died during the silver age or what. Has the ability to throw telekinetic rings, which means he can punch things from far away. Like a lot of other "B Team" X-Men.

Hawkeye

Could be cooler, if better characters didn't have the same powers. I like his look and triple-arrow shot and exploding shot. You can just stand all day and fire arrows. If Age of Ultron brought us anything, at least it gave us acknowledgment of Hawkeye's role, and gave nobility to it. He's the Alfred. He's the reason that the Avengers keep fighting. In this world of scummy weapons traders and hateful politiicans and secret spy societies, there's still something worth fighting for. Before that movie, I would have said Fuck Hawkeye. Now... well, he's still the Ma-Ti ("Heart!") but at least he has a personality.

Heimdall

The bouncer for Midgard, where Thor lives. Has a big axe and big gold armor. Guards the Rainbow Bridge and can see very far. However, given how many times his bridge has gone under invasion, I think Odin's marked two strikes on his personnel record.

Howard the Duck

You know what, I don't care what you think, I liked this movie. At least when I was little (I had the "edited for television" version, so no duck boobs). Watching it now, I can see the pacing is off. But I think the effects were fairly good (for that time), and the live action sold it. I had no idea of Howard the Duck's role in the Marvel universe, so it took some head wrapping to understand his true origins. Nonetheless, I think the idea has a lot of potential, but it needs to distance itself from the other superheroes. Maybe he can partner up with H.E.R.B.I.E.

Hulk

Big green guy who can transform into a useless guy in a purple shirt when he gets scared and calm. He can throw things, like rocks and doors, and is the only hero who can destroy all life on the planet. Best pants in the world.