ONLY required minor amendments, these, despite being written almost twenty years ago. Plus ça change.

There was a crooked man
There was a crooked man
Who would go the extra mile
Who would drop what he was doing
Who had a certain smile
Who would recommend surveyors
Who would keep details on file
Who would recommend solicitors
Who had a certain style
Who would help fix up a mortgage
Who would reassure the spouse
But who couldn’t give a damn
If he sold a crooked house

Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
Except for a mobile phone
She rang up Tesco
To order some meat
But all that she got
Was an incessant beep
She rang up Sainsbury’s
For Pedigree Chum
Someone said, ‘Hello’
Then the line went hum
She rang up Morrison’s
For Spillers Winalot
But electronic music
Was all that she got
She rang up Asda
To see if they were able
To deliver some Chappie
But got number unobtainable
She rang up Lidl
For a tin of meaty Bonio
But she was told to leave
A message after the tonio
She rang up Waitrose
In a bit of a rage
But every time she rang
The line was engaged
By now getting desperate
She rang up the vet
But the line had gone dead
Not to mention her pet

Hickety, pickety, my black hen
Hickety, pickety, my black hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
The farmer comes in every day
To collect the eggs that she doth lay
And sate his greed
Recharge the seed
Plug her into the feed
With a live jump lead
As many as a dozen in a ten foot pen
Sickeny, chickeny, battery hen

Lucy Locket lost her pocket
Lucy Locket in her pocket
Always kept a clean hankie
As told to do by both her parents
Her uncle and her auntie
But to young Lucy
That could only mean
She had to keep it in her pocket
In order to keep it clean
And that is why
Or so I do believe
Every time that Lucy sneezed
She wiped it on her sleeve

A diller, a dollar
A diller, a dollar
A modern day scholar
How can you survive on your grant?
You once studied Physics
Statistics, Linguistics…
But now all you learn about is cant