Every Friday on the blog, I answer people’s questions about sex, love, and relationships. This week’s question comes from a male reader who asked the following:

“I ejaculate prematurely when I am with my wife, but I last for hours with other women. I am really turned on by my wife and we talk dirty to each other about cuckold stuff. I also know she has had sex with another man/men even though we are married, but she will never speak of the extent of her sexual escapades. So, what is my problem? Can you explain why I might have premature ejaculation with her but not other women?”

Thanks for this interesting question. Before you start labeling this situation a “problem,” let’s take a look at what the research says.

First, I should point out that you aren’t alone in being aroused by talk of cuckolding (for those who aren’t familiar with cuckolding, this term is often used to refer to scenarios in which someone watches their partner have sex with another person). As some evidence of this, researchers have found that “cuckold porn” is actually one of the most popular search terms entered on porn sites [1]. In addition, preliminary results from a large-scale sexual fantasy survey I am currently conducting (you can participate here if you haven’t already) reveal that 49% of male participants report that they have had cuckold fantasies before (on a side note, I’ve also found that 35% of female participants report having fantasized about watching their partner have sex too!).

Why do so many men find cuckold scenarios arousing? Some scientists believe that there is an evolutionary explanation. The basic idea is this: when one woman mates with multiple men in a short period of time, those men’s sperm will be competing with each other for fertilization of her egg. As a result, it is thought to be adaptive for guys to find cuckolding highly arousing because that arousal might stimulate behaviors that enhance the odds of their sperm reaching the egg first (i.e., it will stimulate sperm competition).

As some support for this idea, a 2005 study published in Biology Letters found that when men watch pornographic videos featuring multiple men having sex with the same woman, their semen contains more active sperm compared to when they watch other types of porn. Likewise, a 2003 study published in Evolution and Human Behaviorfound that when heterosexual guys suspect that their female partners have cheated on them, they engage in more vigorous thrusting during sex, a behavior that scientists argue may be a subconscious mechanism used to displace semen from other men that may be present in a woman’s vagina.

I’m not aware of any research directly finding that cuckold scenarios are linked to faster ejaculation; however, some scientists have theorized that rapid ejaculation in and of itself is evolutionarily advantageous. Why? For one thing, it increases the odds of ejaculation occurring before sex is over. However, in the case of cuckolding, one might also argue an advantage in that it would get your own sperm "into the mix" faster. As a result, one might predict that men would be likely to experience faster ejaculation in cuckold-type situations to help make their sperm more competitive.

Thus, the fact that you ejaculate the fastest with your wife (someone with whom you (1) talk about cuckolding during sex, (2) suspect of having other male sex partners, and (3) are motivated to avoid seeing become pregnant by another man) would seem to be consistent with sperm competition theory. In light of this, some might argue that what you’re experiencing is simply an evolved male tendency and not a “problem.”

That said, if you find that you are ejaculating so quickly with your wife that it is creating distress for you or conflict in your relationship, there are several things you can do to try and delay ejaculation. To learn more about some of these techniques, check out this article.

To read more about the psychological appeal of cuckolding, click here.

For previous editions of Sex Question Friday, click here. To send in a question for a future edition, click here.

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