Gnarly Trombone: We must have done something wrong to make Him mad

Related Media

Here we are, all of us good little Weld County folks, going around, minding our own business, being nice to each other and hardly ever calling each other nasty names, and suddenly we get …

Floods.

An earthquake (which was probably caused by fracking, but maybe was caused by the fracker’s waste water, or didn’t have anything to do with fracking at all, according to whichever expert you’re talking to).

Pestilence (The coming moth invasion they’ve warned us about).

Tornadoes all over the place.

And last week, someone on Facebook said they saw a comet crash near Greeley one night. And you KNOW everything on Facebook is true…

What’s next? Famine? Plague? Incontinence?

It might be difficult to talk about, but maybe Somebody Up There is angry with us.

I can’t see any other reason we would suddenly be the victims of so many acts of nature.

Well, there are some things that can be done to make the floods, earthquakes, pestilence and other mind-boggling problems go away.

» 1. Straighten out the County Commisshes. We know they’ve been kind of quiet since they lost in court against the libraries. For those who don’t remember, there were some problems with the library board, and instead of talking to someone and working it out, the Commishes pulled in some mayors and went over there and tried to force their way in and take over the library board. The Book People took them to court and won. And, we don’t want to forget when Our County Leaders tried to form their own state. Defeated by the voters. So, if the Commishes would just do something good, like cut taxes for everyone, maybe the earthquakes would go away.

» 2. We need to take some drivers off the road. Every time we go out on the Greeley streets, we see idiot drivers speeding, making illegal turns, running red lights and coming VERY CLOSE to having a crash. If the drivers grow up and start driving like adults, maybe The Man Above would take away the floods.

» 3. Bovine Flatulence (Cowfarts) has become a real problem, according to the federal government, who is now talking about taxing the ranchers for every cow who passes gas. We know that’s not fair. Cows don’t do anything but stand around and eat and fart. If the federal government would leave the cowboys and their cowfriends alone, maybe The Very Important Person In The Sky would stop the moth invasion we have coming.

» 4. Elections. Maybe that’s it. We have these elections where a bunch of people start calling each other names and accuse each other of Evil Stuff and start nasty rumors about the other guy. Maybe if we decide that only grownups can run for office, the Big Guy Upstairs will stop the stuff crashing all around us.

» 5. Greeley City Manager Roy Otto. I can’t think of anything he did wrong, but we can certainly blame him for all the floods and tornadoes and the earthquake and his friends, the moths. Maybe HE’S the one the Man Up There doesn’t like…

The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley’s handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a retired Tribune staff writer. He may be emailed at mpeters26@comcast.net.