The Countdown…

Yesterday lunchtime the girls decided they wanted to have a ‘carpet picnic’ for their lunch. They had been so good when I had taken them out shopping earlier that morning and as a treat they wanted to get the picnic blanket out and have their lunch on the floor of the living room. So that’s exactly what we did- it’s one of their favourite things to do. After lunch, I was messing about with Mads. She was being cheeky, so I was play fighting with her on the floor, tickling her and pretending to nibble on her little bottom and ears. I buried my face in her long curly hair, and she was squealing and giggling in delight. Then without being a tad dramatic, all of a sudden I felt this huge pang of emotion that nearly took my breath away.

I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes and I had to blink a few times to stop them from freely falling down my face. Mads was none the wiser, still laughing, joking and jumping on me, and smothering me in ‘Mummy cuddles and kisses’. She was climbing on my back, wrapping her little arms around my neck, while whispering in my ear ‘I love you Mama- forever and ever.’ But my heart was still beating that little bit faster and it took me a few seconds to actually pin point why.

We are on the countdown.

Like with any countdown, when you want it speed up and come quickly, say for a holiday or a special occasion, time seems to go so slowly and drags on and on. But for a slightly less appealing countdown, it seems to whizz past and before you know it the time has arrived. And that’s whats happening now.

The countdown to school.

In many ways Christmas Eve 2010 feels like yesterday. The day I first held that slightly wrinkly, gunky little person in my arms. Her little black eyes stared deeply into mine, blink blink blinking as she adjusted to her new surroundings. In that instant life as we knew it changed. Everything I thought I knew about myself before changed when I became a mother. This tiny creature arrived in our world and completely turned it upside down. Although it feels like she’s always been here, I can still feel the enormous range of emotions that came with seeing my eldest daughter for the first time.

In those four years there have been long days. Many of those. Days where I paced around the kitchen, waiting to catch a glimpse of Mr E arriving up the driveway, ready to hand him a screaming baby or a defiant toddler, just so I could have a tiny break. Days where I was so tired that I would just want to cry over the smallest thing. Where I did cry over the smallest thing. In those four years there have been tough times. Many of those. Times where it all got a little bit too much. Sleepless nights, challenging behaviour, strained relationships. Days where it felt like it was never going to end. Days where the responsiblities of being a parent became almost overwhelming.

For two years it was just me and her. Two years of getting to know each other inside and out. Fun times, sad times, tricky times, but most of all happy times. Contentment and love. During the week we were a pair while my husband was at work. A duo. A double act. We learnt from each other. She taught me that the simplest things are the most important. She made me a better person- less selifsh. More considerate. She made me a mother. Then in February 2013 our second daughter arrived. I fell in love with her in an instant, but I also fell even more in love with my big girl. The way in which she accepted her new baby sister without so much of a doubt, into our little club. Our twosome became a threesome. We became a team.

And that’s the way it is now. We have our own little routine, our own little structure. Mads has Nutella sandwiches for lunch, LL has peanut butter. Mads likes to sit on the left hand side of the sofa when we watch television, LL sits on the right. Mads is always Harry when we put on One Direction shows, LL is always Zayn. That’s just the way it is. Yes we still have those tough days, or long days, but for the most part we love our days together. And I am just not ready for them to stop. I’m not ready for this period of our lives to be over.

In just a few short months, my big girl will be going to school. The application form has already been submitted, we wait with intrepidation hoping that we have got into the school that we want for her. Those days of constant nappy changes, those morning’s sitting breastfeeding in a cafe gossiping to friends while eating the largest slice of chocolate cake, those times spent batch cooking copious amounts of pureed carrot and sweed ready to put into the freezer- they seem to have passed us by in a blur. When did they stop? And a bit later, those days where I begrudged paying an extortionate £20 to go to soft play, while she no doubt picked up every germ under the sun and all I got to show for it was a slightly soggy panini and a bowl of greasy fries- I wish more than anything I could rewind them all again.

If I could, I would cherish every single second of the replays. I would hold her in my arms for a little longer after her milk, breathing in her sweet baby smell and resting my chin on her soft dowdy hair, rather than putting her straight in her cot. I used to like stroking the fontanelle spot on her head ever so gently, it felt as soft as silk. I would play tea parties for that little bit longer, enjoying my seventeenth cup of tea and umpteenth wooden digestive biscuit, rather than going to clean up the kitchen. I would soak in every single cuddle, every single morning ‘just the three of us’, I would be more present rather than being on my phone or checking my emails. I’d read one more story. And then I’d read another one. I’d stay in our PJ’s and let her watch one more episode of Peppa Pig. I’d never stop cuddling her.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing. This way I am feeling right now, it won’t last forever. It will come back, in periods, throughout their lives, that I am sure of. The way it hurts a little bit loving them. The way each new milestone and moment seem so bittersweet. But no doubt next week or the week after that, I will get impatient again. I will get tired of the same question over and over- I don’t know why Tree Fu Tom and Mike the Knight aren’t friends who hang out together. Yes you can have lemon juice with two drops. Yes two drops. I don’t know why the worm we saw on the road by the garden centre two weeks ago isn’t wanting to be in the soil with his other worm family. I’ll inevitably get a little frustrated when she takes ten minutes to get into her car seat even though we are in a hurry. I’ll have days where I breathe a sigh of relief when they are in bed and I can sit on the sofa and just switch off.

But in the back of my mind, I am all too aware we are in the countdown.

All too soon September will come and my little girl will be at school. Five out of seven days of the week she will be with her teachers and her new friends. They will see the way she scrunches up her nose when she yawns. Or the way that she likes to play with her ear when she’s nervous or in need of a comfort. The way her little fingers go in her mouth and she sucks them when she’s unsure of herself. They’ll experience the pleasure of my biggest girl- the little quirks and traits that make her who she is, the good and the not so good. It’s not that I am sad that she is going to be away from me, she goes to nursery three long mornings a week already while I work. It’s more that this period of our lives is soon going to be over. It’s a line under the baby days, the toddler days and the days of just being together. That we will never be able to get it back.

I’m a little sad she won’t be here every day with me, but I am excited to see her begin the next part of her journey. I’ll be there waiting to see the artwork she pulls from her bag, to hear her excitedly chat about what her and her friends did that day, or what she learnt in English class. I’ll be the one cheering the loudest at Sports Day. I’ll be there standing with all the other parents at the school gate, waiting to see her run out with her long curls blowing behind her and her cheeks flushed red with happiness. She’ll grow, she’ll soar and she’ll become the person she was meant to be. She’ll lose a little bit of that pure innocence that comes with being at home with her Mummy, that little bit of innocence that comes with being little, but she’ll be full of potential and promise. Whatever happens, she will continue to make me the proudest Mama alive, just as she has done since the day she arrived in the world on the 24th December 2010.

I knew that this day was coming, way back when she was tiny, and school just seemed like a far off dream. Something I didn’t have to think about for a while. But now the countdown is on.

Growing up hurts a little, I know that all too well. I’m a little bit sad and feeling a little emotional about it all. But why we may all too soon be finishing this chapter of our lives, deep down I know this is just the beginning of my little girl’s story. And I’m excited to see just what that story may be.

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Comments

Oh my goodness Katie. I had almost the exact same rush if emotion yesterday with my Yves. We were all playing & she gave me the biggest cuddle & it took my breath away and I tried to not let her see my tears. Tears of joy but also sadness. All those things you’ve written I can relate to. I’ve written about this too & it’s quite scary how much they seem alike! It’s really amazed me reading this. Sounds funny really as millions of babies were born in 2010, but just really got me, you know? Beautifully written, just lovely. Xx

Oh deary me it must be very dusty in my house this morning, I appear to have got a speck of something in my eye! Possibly because we’re on the same countdown. I can see how excited Kitty already is about the prospect of school and her next big adventure and on the one hand I’m thrilled for her because I think she’s going to love it and on the other hand I look around at two little fairies who’ve just emptied the dressing up box all over the lounge and think how much I’m going to miss our pyjama mornings, our trips to the playpark and everything else that will soon have to fit in around the school run. Like you it seems like the last four and a bit years have just gone so fast – and I’m very aware that I’ll have had almost five years with Kitty before she heads off – one of our NCT group babies started school this year which was a reality check to the rest of us! But, it’s only February, we’ve got til September – it’s time to make the most of it!!

We’re there too. My Mads starts school in September too. When they’re born people constantly tell you to cherish it, but it’s so damn hard. And then it’s gone. Already i talk about memories with her in the past tense, “Remember when…” It’s really bittersweet. The days are long but the years are short, so they say.

Oh Katie, i know!!! I’m still struggling with this 4 and a half years in to our school experience. It’s tough on the Mamas, it really is. I grip mine at the school gate every morning like some crazy woman, not wanting to let go, and honestly count the days until holidays. But you know what? I think it’s so much harder on us. They thrive and learn and grow and the new stages are as fun as the baby ones. It’s all just a period of adjustment for everyone.
This is just so beautifully written and heartfelt. I really do understand how you feel lovely. Big hugs xx

Ahh Katie I know this feeling so well. It is such an emotional time. But you know what? Once you get past those first few weeks it will be fine. In fact, you’ll like it even more. Seeing them grow and learn, and become these really cool little people with a whole range of interests and attitudes that they learned on their own, without you, is awesome. Because they will bring them home and want to share them with you. You’ll have more to laugh about, and your lives will be even richer. And I can tell you that I went from hating school holidays, because our routine was broken and we had none of our usual activities to fill the time, to absolutely loving them! It’s hard to describe, but having less time together makes the pleasure of weekends and holidays more intense, and better for it. Plus you get to have totally guilt free snuggles with your youngest.
I think teenager must be hardest, when they stop involving you in their lives altogether. But thankfully we’re a way off that 🙂

I said it on twitter but thank you for this lovely comment Helen- I really appreciate it and knowing that although it is the end of an era, what’s to come is just as good. Thank you for putting my mind at ease a little bit. x

aw hon! I know the feeling it is so bitter sweet isn’t it! I don’t think it’s really hit me yet how much our world will change when F starts school and then it’s just me during the day rather than me and my little shadow. xx

Ok Katie, I have tears streaming down my face. That emotion, oh I know that so well. I keep having moments with h on our new days off where I feel my heart aches with love. H goes to school in 2016 but I already have it weighing heavily on my mind. This is beautiful xxx

Wow! Even I’m sitting here with blurry eyes, thinking about my own little man H who’s due to start big school in September too… I’m not letting Mrs F read this wonderful piece Katie as I know, just like you and just like so many mummy’s (and some daddy’s) she will be just as emotional as we are now. Thank you for sharing it with us. x

Oh you’ve written this so well and summed up how i’m feeling perfectly. I’ve had tears this week because my big boy had a hair cut that made him look so grown up and it got me thinking about school in September, I just can’t get over how quickly this time has come around! Beautifully written x

Oh Katie, don’t….when Mads starts school my little barely 5 year old will be a Year 1 and that for me is utterly heartbreaking. I’m feeling the passage of time so much at the moment, and have a half written post in my defats that I just can’t finish.

In my experience, sending the first one to school is the hardest, I have been 100 times more relaxed with H starting than I was first time round, it’s so much easier when you know the routine and what goes on, but you and Mads will be fine and Year R is just lovely.

I really hope you get the school you want too, but try not to worry if you don’t. We got our third choice and it’s been the best thing that could’ve happened. xxxx

Em you are so much like me I think, I think you are completely right about the passage of time going so quickly at the moment. And it’s so reassuring to know that even though you didn’t get your first place school, you are all happy and thriving regardless. xx

Dimples is a 2010 baby, but she started school in September. I did, and do, grieve her loss on a daily basis. But there are new adventures ahead and our relationship is blooming again as a result. It will be different. It will take a while to get used to. But it will be great. I promise.

Aaahhh a lovely post Katie. Don’t worry too much though….the cuddles and kisses and tickling and climbing on you don’t stop, they just happen after school instead! Poppys 6 and not too old to play or climb into my lap to tell me about her wonderful day at school. It’s definitley different but you will also get some quality time with LL like you used to with Mads before she was born – kind of evens it up a bit x

You know I completely relate to this with my E being the same age as Mads. It’s strange I didn’t feel that way with Noo, I think she’s always seemed older and by the time the summer before school came round we were both more than ready for the next step of school to begin!! Ha
With E though I’ve always looked at her as my baby so for her to be starting school in September is just so baffling for me. I know she’s excited to go but I just know I’ll be one of the crying mums on the first day this time around. xx

Oh Katie I can relate to this and I got teary just reading that I am not the only one that has these moments where they just hit you when you are bonding with the little ones and where you wish things would freeze just a little bit for you to enjoy longer each time. It sounds like so many of us have a little one starting school and we are all excited for new adventure but we also will miss so much of these precious giggling laughing lovely moments. It really does go too fast. *tears

Oh great now you made me shed tears at my desk in work!! A wonderfully written post, so heart warming yet heart wrenching as I read about your feelings. It makes me want to rush home to my Lukey and let him climb all over me and pretend to brush my hair. You’ve just given me that all important reminder to cherish all that precious time that I have with him now as new toddler before he takes off on his next leap in life. You are right though, enjoy your time with her now but look forward to that next step in her life xx

Omg Katie!! Can I just say you have me in tears what a beautiful piece of writing. What beautiful words describing the best and toughest days of your life as a mum to your ‘big girl’ . I too am going to have to adjust to Sophia going to school in September and I am a little worried as I love our life now as it is, but I am also excited for her because I know this is a new chapter of her life. Reading this also made me realise why I want to be a teacher so much. I think going to school is such a big adjustment for our innocent little children and can be a very daunting experience for them at first. I hope to make children feel comfortable welcomed loved and cared for as a teacher and make their new journey at school and positive happy and joyful as I can. Your such a great mum Katie and this post is just beautiful in my opinion. Tanita x

Oh don’t Katie *sniff* I’m on the countdown too. Whilst I’m excited for Freddie and all the adventures he has ahead of him, it all seems too soon. He turns 4 tomorrow, and I can’t believe it. Cliche, but time really does go so fast xx

Oh Katie, what a beautifully heartfelt post- reading this has made me think about how important it is to truly appreciate every little moment, from the ordinary mundane things to the bigger more exciting moments. The washing up can wait, the laundry can be done later- but moments with your toddler or baby are the most important thing- like you say, reading that extra book, or having an extra cuddle before bed. this has really struck a chord with me and it will echo in my ears for many years to come xxx

Oh Katie, I was in tears reading that, emotional wreck now but only because we’re on the countdown too and I hadn’t even realised it. I envy your Christmas Eve baby as it means you have had 8 months longer with your daughter at home than I will have had. LP will be 4 and just a few days when she starts school and it isn’t long enough at all, it feels like yesterday she was born and I’m not ready for her to start school either. It also makes me think that before I know it Little Man will be starting nursery too and then I’ll have time every day by myself. What will I do with myself?! x

Oh god I’m in tears! Ava doesn’t go to school until next year but I know exactly how you feel. I’m already dreading it and just know I’ll be sobbing at the gate. I too curse myself for not playing enough with Ava. It goes by far too quickly xxx

Such a lovely, heart-felt post. I’ve been there. Twice. It does just come over you. Hit you even, like a smack in the face or a blow to the chest. Starting school is such a huge thing for them and for you. It’s scary yet exciting. What I can tell you about it is, you will absolutely cherish those times when they are at home even more….well by week 6 of the Summer holidays you *might* just feel a bit differently LOL. I’m sure you’ll make the best memories for Mads between now and September though! x

from someone who has been there (and will do so again this sept when Jenson starts school – where has that time gone???) and blogged about it a LOT, it is painful and upsetting and heart breaking BUT they make it easier for us. They stride into school and take it all in and thrive and make you realise that it is us wanting to stop time when we should be embracing it and their growing up, I wish I could turn back time ,still even now (and I am welling up wriitng this comment) but sadly I do not have a Delorean!!!
She is a beauty and she will have a ball I am sure and as you say although sad for you, she is strating her new adventure. PLus you then get valuable time one on one with LL xx

I am so not ready for Dylan to go off to school and I have a very similar post half written in my drafts. He is still so young, so small and he is still mine. I am still the one that knows everything and can fix everything in his head and I am not ready for all that to change. I don’t know how the last 3.5 years have gone so fast and I feel guilty for every moment I have missed and thankful for every one I have savoured

Such a beautiful post Katie, and that photo at the top is just stunning. I can’t believe my boys started school last week (in Australia they start after the Christmas summer holidays). I wasn’t ready to let them go for a long time, but by the time the day arrived I was actually ready for it because the last few months of moving abroad have been so hard and we all needed a bit of a break. Getting them settled was also the final piece of the puzzle for our new lives too – it marked a big milestone for us. Finding the right school made it a lot easier. I do wish I could turn back time though and go through it all again, even the hard days. I’m now going to make every second of having E to myself count while they’re at school. Thankfully she will start school later here so I’ll get to keep her for a bit longer too. Enjoy the precious moments. x

Big hugs. I hear you. I feel the same about Aria especially with two in school it’s flown by and they are getting older. I want things to slow down so I can take it in for a bit. Thinking of you and feeling for you x

I knew it would be this amazing photo before I clicked on the link! It honestly tugs at my heart strings when I see it. HUGE virtual hugs to you – I got teary eyed (again!) from reading this post, it scares me how fast they grow, I know I’m going to be in your shoes a few years from now & I’ll feel exactly the same. It sounds like you & your girl have a wonderful relationship, so despite her growing up, you’ll always be her mum & she will always be your little girl xx

I’ve bern thinking this recently. How gas time flown by so so quickly. I was thinking I’ll have to buy his uniform in July and his nursery friends aren’t going to the same school (I think!) so I’m worried if he’ll make friends easily. I’m sure it’ll all be fine in the end and we will love watching then shine and bloom before our very eyes. Xx

Oh Katie this is such a lovely post. I wish I had had a moment like this early enough, my moment came the week Caitlin started school, when I realised there was absolutely no going back, that those days were gone and my wee baby was not really my wee baby anymore. Cherish these coming months petal xx

Oh Katie, it’s a times like these when I get the photo albums out and sit with my eldest and look at all his baby photos. Time can be cruel. We want it to pass quickly on occasions and then it laughs at us and speeds up the moments we want to hold on to. I’ve been eased in to school quite gently as the one in our village also has a pre-school so J has been going for two hours every afternoon since last September. He adores it but positively beams when he sees me waiting for him in the playground. Yes, you’ll miss Mads so much but when you see the look on her face when she runs out of the classroom door to greet you, a whole wave on new and wonderful emotions will wash over you.

It’s so nice to have a blog and to be able to look back on all these moments I probably wouldn’t have documented otherwise. I can’t wait to see her little face when she runs out the classroom, I imagine that’s a wonderful feeling.

Such a beautifully written post and I can totally relate. Allegra is off to school this September too and I have very mixed emotions about it but actually for the most part I am excited for her because I know she’s totally ready and will love it. Just not sure the teachers will be entirely ready for her…!

I think that with every new milestone, there’s a hint (or should I say bucket loads?!) of sadness. I think every mummy feels like this and let me tell you, it doesn’t go away as they get older! I so wish that I had started a blog when mine were younger, so that I could record moments like this. It’s so previous. Enjoy every moment x

Reading this makes me so glad that my little man is a November baby. I get to keep him with me for a few precious more months before he starts school. I know he will love it, and take it all in his stride. After only starting pre-school last month he has settled in as if he’s been going his whole life but a little piece of my heart breaks when he runs off in without giving me a backward glance. I have to call him back for a kiss and cuddle before he runs off to play. How has the time gone so quickly?
Mads looks so beautiful on that last pic xx

This is so beautiful Katie. Both my husband and I have recently started to get sad about how grown up our two year old is getting. Definitely more a boy than a toddler and it’s impossible to rewind. I loved the first paragraph especially…when we’re having such a lovely time tears rush to my eyes and I feel completely full and emotional. What beauty these little people bring to our lives.
I am going to be front row at every horrendous recorder concert, school play and will probably get thrown out at Sports Day for shouting too loud. It makes me so happy!!! xxx

Oh huni, you made me cry! Beautiful post. I have a way to go before we get to this stage but the though of it already makes me emotional. You know in the end you will love seeing her grow into a beautiful young woman just as much as you have enjoyed this phase of her life xx

What a beautiful post Katie, I love how you can put into words the way you feel and I just adore how you write about Mads. It is something we can all completely relate to, you just seem to say it so perfectly. Struggled to make it through to the end without crying.and I’m sure my husband thinks I’m mad as I sit here sniffling at the desk. Even though Lucas is at pre-school every afternoon I get moments of sheer panic when I think of him starting school, it frightens me and I try not to think about it too much. Like you say there is so much to look forward to with sports days and the new friends, she really will shine at school! Doesn’t make it that much easier for us though, I’m sure there will be many tearful blog posts come September xx

Sorry to make you emotional Hayley. I agree with what your saying about preschool- even though Mads and LL are both at nursery two long mornings a week, school just seems so final and the real end of an era. x

Ok so I just got round to reading this in full. Before I got as far as the second paragraph and got too teary.
I felt exactly like this when Charles started school, and soon realised it wasn’t too bad, but Harry however reacted quite badly and didn’t understand at all what was going on.
The sadness you feel soon lessens as they come home and tell you all the things they have learnt and you realise how clever they are and how they soak up so much.
(remind me of all of this when I am sobbing as I send Harry off to school this year too. Ha!) xx