20120330

Late 1997, Charlotte, NC, when we lived with the beloved John Kelly (was his house on 35th St?). In this picture we are sitting on my desk, looking at Otis. That was back I'm my FILM days! I was shooting a lot of 120/220 then. It would be good to find an old print of Otis--he was Mattie's first friend and her biggest adopted brother. :)

20120327

Having lost my mindfulness of damage on this toe, I failed to notice when the shoe protecting it went missing. I'm the process of looking to locate the shoe, Mattie did walk at least another hundred meters from the time I realized it was gone. Since I failed to locate the shoe--having retraced most the paths we walked--the total "mileage" and terrain the wound experienced remains a mystery. A strong betadine solution dropped into it for a few minutes, a generous dose of pain-reliever antibiotic ointment and a few hours later, this is the view of the "little toe" pad on her right rear foot. God knows I intend to take care of her--God only knows how I manage to fail....

20120324

There was a big puddle in her bed this morning & it's been a few days since I washed my hair.... So, I washed my top and her bottom. Fun! I still haven't exactly "taken a shower with" my dog, but we got really close this time. LOL

"Misplaced Aggression" ?! Definitely misplaced a shoe this afternoon... At Loving Hut I finally noticed her naked foot. Midnight, applied some betadine--as this afternoon--very briefly, she is panting so hard I wonder if TWO tramadol disturbs her? She didn't quit panting, even when we switched up to treats and drinks. She is very mad in this image-a moment later she was doing her best to storm off.

Not sure if really "worse" different, though. This morning put on ointment, plastic wrap, sock, shoe: this is the result, 15 hours or so later. Maybe there are telephone pet psychics? Or some such. If I don't tell them anything, do you think they might be able to channel Matte's spirit--supply a human voice to set me at ease in reference to what SHE wants? so I can be at peace simply fulfilling HER wishes? Could be for her that situation where "for once in my lifetime, you did it right," given how many times I've inexcusably failed her.... It's rather disheartening to consider if "this is all about me" and not about her. I'm too close. I understand that the "ultimate" decision is mine--a responsibility I am certain I will never accept again (got this, completely unwittingly, in 1997)--but I crave some loving counsel....

20120320

"She will tell you when it is time [to be put to sleep]" is another recurring theme in response to my anguish regarding the care of my beloved. I wonder if I even know how to listen!Some say "when they don't want to eat anymore;" but now she's on a drug with "appetite stimulation" as a side effect. Unfortunately, it increases thirst and also exacerbates urinary incontinence, which maybe the little sweetie had a *touch* of before. Now she lays in big puddles.

Even outside, on the sidewalk, this morning as I asked a dog-experienced neighbor about elderly canines. (My question, precisely, was "do you think they really WANT to grow old, arthritic and in ill health? Or do they want compassion--to be put to sleep before becoming decrepit?" Of course, then--as now--tears are streaming down my face.) I remember well the discomfort of waking up in a cold spot, is it nearly as unhappy for her? Should I buy some dog diapers? Absorption pads for her to lay on? She is trying to lick herself (clean?) but her legs don't go that high anymore, nor does her spine bend quite so far. Good God! I would do laundry every day to wash up after her but seeing her struggle: is she unhappy?

Duck this is hard. She's not eating, even on the steroids, this awesome canned food I scored today. I'm just going to go "cuddle my puppy" and breathe deeply. I am NEVER doing this "dog guardianship" again. EVER. She will be my first, last and only dog!

On the dog.... This afternoon I saw her laying in my room, starting to pee, so I excitedly invited her to go downstairs and out front: "Come on little sweetie, lets go!" Once she made it out the front door, I ran back up for vade mecum. When I got back outside she was laying there, in a large puddle. Tonight she was in the garage while hi was doing some work--I had brought down her orthopedic bed so she wasn't stuck with cold hard concrete. When I tried to get her up to go to the bedroom, she was in a very large puddle on her bed..... Last night, she woke me up twice to go outside. Apparently, not to urinate. :)

Well it certainly looks different than before but the vet--the fourth one, now--is saying basically the same thing: I don't know what that is but we can do some tests. I had so hoped the damage on her toe had... whatever, turned into SOMETHING...