To the Woman Who Scolded My Son at the Pool: I saw you approach my 13-year-old son, who was sitting on a reclining lounge chair poolside. You have no idea how difficult it is for him to relax and how happy I was that he was resting. I was sitting behind him at the round table with my husband and father-in-law. My niece and the rest of my family were swimming in the pool. I was shocked when you spoke harshly to my son. You see, most people treat him with kindness. I heard you yell, “You had better stop staring at teenage girls, or you will be considered a stalker. I know because my husband is in law enforcement!” I was shocked by the nasty tone you used when you leaned down and yelled at him. My son didn’t know why you had confronted him. My husband’s blood pressure escalated in a few seconds, he said. He’s the one who shouted, “Hey, he has autism!” as you exited. “Well, you need to talk to him!” you said. You left the pool with three girls. I assume they are your daughters. It seemed like a bad dream. We had stayed overnight at the hotel because we were in town for a family Christmas. My son loves to stay there because it’s a reprieve from the rest of the family and the holiday chaos – the hotel is quiet and calming. Plus he can enjoy the breakfast buffet in the morning and go for a swim in the pool. The hotel stay was part of his Christmas gift. You didn’t know my son had been swimming earlier in the morning with two younger boys. They had fun jumping in the water together. When they left, my son was visibly saddened. He couldn’t tell us how he felt because he doesn’t talk like you and I do. His communication is limited, even when he uses his speech generating device. My son was upset his brothers were not with him at the pool. They were on their way, but that didn’t matter. He wanted them there immediately. You see, his brothers had stayed overnight at their grandparents’ home because they needed a break from him. They wanted to experience a regular “kid” holiday. They wanted to spend time with their cousins and stay up late – two things that are difficult to do at our house because it’s not in my son’s routine. My son changed out of his swimming trunks and into regular clothes. When we returned to the pool, your three daughters were there. They were the only ones swimming. My son grabbed a towel and sat down on the edge of the pool and dangled his feet in the water for a few minutes. He may have looked at your daughters. I don’t remember. I watched them for a bit myself because they were the only ones in the water. A few minutes later, the rest of my family arrived and got into the water. My son exited, walked down the hallway, and looked into the pool. He did this earlier when the pool was empty. He likes looking through the windows. He entered the adjoining exercise room and peered into the pool. He did the same thing earlier when the pool was empty. I don’t know if he looked at your daughters. He looked at his brothers and his cousin, who waved to him. He was happy to see his family swimming in the pool. He didn’t want to get into the water, so he sat on the reclining lounge chair and watched. It is nearly impossible for him to relax and sit for a while. I don’t know if he looked at your daughters, but he was busy watching his brothers and his cousin swim. I don’t know where you were – you came in a few minutes before your daughters left. I’m not sure what your daughter(s) told you. They may have said, “That weird boy was staring at us.” They may have said, “That boy is a pervert.” They may have said, “That weird boy makes me feel uncomfortable.” They may have said, “He is a stalker.” They may have said nothing. You may have come to that conclusion on your own. I was shocked by the words that flew out of your mouth. You were angry. You didn’t know my son stares at a lot of things. He will stand at the counter of a fast-food restaurant and stare into the kitchen or the drive thru to see what is happening. He may giggle occasionally at inappropriate times. In grocery stores, he watches cashiers. He watches conveyor belts move and receipts rise out of machines. He laughs out loud when he hears a voice speak through an intercom. He watches garage doors open and shut. It’s what he does. He observes. In many cases, that’s how he learns. If he were watching your girls, it’s because he might wish to interact with them in some way. He may have been looking at the water and how it moved and rippled when your daughters swam. He may have been looking at your daughters and was thinking how easily it is for them to form words with their mouths. He may have been wondering how he could befriend your girls. You see, he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. If one of your daughters caught his eye, it’s likely he didn’t look away because he doesn’t understand social cues. Like my husband told you, my son has autism. His disability is not obvious; he looks like any other kid. You didn’t know my son has a severe disability. For years he had difficulty sleeping. He has sensory issues. He struggles to communicate. He can’t tie his shoes. You didn’t know about his OCD tendencies, his anxiety, or the low score on his latest IQ test. You didn’t know how he cackles when he hears the sound of a toaster launching bread in the air or that he is obsessed with the ice machine in his classroom at school. You didn’t know he loves wearing blue boots and riding elevators. You didn’t know he likes to put his head on my shoulder and listen to country music in the van. You didn’t know my son. I’m sorry if your girls were uncomfortable. If I had known – remember, my husband and I were with our son the entire time – we could have addressed the issue. We could have educated your daughters about our son and his autism. We could have tried to educate him on the inappropriateness of his actions. And although I didn’t see anything inappropriate, he’s 13 and is curious about female bodies just like most other 13-year-old boys. I am sorry if his look lingered a bit too long or if a smile was misinterpreted. We could have apologized. I wish you had said, “I’m concerned. My girls said they feel uncomfortable. I noticed your son staring at them. Can we talk about this?” I wish you had said, “Oh, I didn’t realize he has a disability. Can I ask some questions?” After you left, my husband was angry. I told him to calm down. I said you jumped to conclusions. I said you didn’t handle the situation well. I said you didn’t understand autism. I may have said you were nuts, and I didn’t want to waste my energy on you. My father-in-law said, “I’ve met a lot of people in my lifetime who I wished I had never met.” I knew exactly what he was saying. He, too, was flabbergasted by the scene. I think he felt terrible, just like we did. My niece asked what happened and was shocked, too, by your accusations. My son goes to the pool almost every day during the summer. He participates in swimming lessons. He swims at school. Nobody has ever accused him of being a stalker. Nobody has ever talked to him in a threatening way like you did at the hotel pool. We will talk to his teacher and school psychologist because I bet this is a common occurrence with boys on the autism spectrum. Once they reach a certain age, a blank stare could be perceived as a threat, as intense interest, or aggression. My son doesn’t always respond when someone talks to him. It could have dire consequences. Now that my son is older, this is our reality: his actions may be misinterpreted and misunderstood by the general public, law enforcement, or guests at the hotel pool. I almost ran after you when you left the pool with your daughters, but I wanted to talk calmly, and I didn’t think that was your style. More than anything, I was confused. So I sat there, sipping my coffee and decided you would be back if you wanted to sit down and talk about the situation. It’s possible we could have learned a bit from each other. My husband and I were waiting. You never returned. I wasn’t surprised. It’s difficult to educate people who are unwilling to learn. I hope you do better next time once you have all the facts. You didn’t know a lot of things. And sadly, you still don’t.

I feel bad that you and your son and family went thru this. god says we need to pray harder for people like this

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Tatum

12/29/2014 09:33:34 pm

I'm really sorry this happened, mostly I hope it doesn't prevent Isaac from enjoying the swimming pool I'm the future.

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Jacquie

12/29/2014 09:39:25 pm

This is incredibly sad. It's hard to imagine ANYONE being as cruel as that woman was. I am so sorry for your entire family - including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. When someone humiliates and/or attacks a person we love, everybody suffers. And it is unfathomable to think she continued her reprehensible behavior after hearing about the autism. I do, however, regret that you "held Chris off." That vicious, mean-spirited female (she's anything but a lady) deserved to hear firsthand how stupid and cruel she is, and how she spoiled MANY peoples' holiday. I wish I would have been there. I'd have given that b---- an earful that she wouldn't have soon forgotten.

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barb

12/29/2014 09:40:06 pm

What an opportunity this uneducated lady missed out on. It is so unfortunate that she did not take the time to meet Isaac and his family....her loss!! I am so sorry Isaac that she treated you with disrespect! I feel badly for the young girls that she role modeled such poor behavior for.

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Suzanne

12/29/2014 10:00:30 pm

This makes me upset on so many levels. With you, I wish this woman had handled things very differently. It puts a lump in my throat imagining the situation. On the other hand, it reminds me that I/we need to heed this warning for our children on the autism spectrum. Dennis Debbaudt made this point very, very well at the ASI seminar he held a few weeks ago on autism safety. Individuals with autism are much more likely to be the victims of crime and this is exactly why. Their actions are misunderstood and ignorant others jump to conclusions and attack them. We have to take this seriously. I'm so sorry this happened but glad we can hopefully ALL learn from it.

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Chad

12/29/2014 10:07:41 pm

You are a class act Tyann. Its so hard to take the high road, especially when it involves your child. Trying to talk with someone who possesses the emotional maturity to attack a teenage boy in such a evil way, would likely be an exercise in frustration.

Thanks for taking time to so eloquently share your stories with us all. I'm sure they minister to many other parents struggling with similar issues. I know someday in the future, when you become a famous author and/or blogger, I'll be able to say I had the opportunity to work alongside her on group projects at UNI! :)

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Shelley

12/29/2014 10:31:11 pm

i am so incredibly sorry and saddened by this. There is no way I could have shown the strength and compassion you showed this woman. I think you guys are so amazing just to have found this hotel and a great way to do the best things for all your kids. Then you have to throw this bozo in the mix. And to top it all off, you are worried about educating her so she doesn't attack another innocent soul again. You are a wonderful woman and mother. What a fabulous team you and Chris are. Always learning and teaching others while raising beautiful, incredible children. Wish that woman well and let her go....

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Jo

12/29/2014 10:55:22 pm

Proof, once again, that you were chosen to be the parents of Isaac! I wish he could be spared from the ignorance of uneducated people!

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Rusty

12/29/2014 11:31:39 pm

Kelli and I too, marvel at the people who have children and families that have been fortunate to have not had to be educated to the realities of living with disabilities. We think the two of you do an awesome job of educating others (your extended family included) and I for one appreciate the insights.

I also hope that her husband is better at law enforcement than she is. Maybe he scolded her when she got back to the room with the girls, reminding her that everyone is assumed innocent until proven guilty. Maybe she was too embarrassed to return and apologize to your entire family after she realized that she was guilty of making false accusations. That is my hope anyway.

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Carole Comstock

12/30/2014 01:02:09 am

This just made me so sad! I could have cried for all of you!! Glad I wasn't there as I probably would have gotten in her face and said she was teaching her daughters the wrong way to handle uncomfortable conditions. I just can't believe that she said all of those things to him!!! Hopefully she realized her stupidity and was embarrassed to come back. Using her husband's occupation was a cowardly way of approaching him! How awful to threaten him with that!! STUPIDITY Now I'm mad!!! You guys are so great with your kids!! I loved what Rusty said and I agree!! LOVE all of you!!!!

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Barb M.

12/30/2014 01:29:43 am

Tyann, I am so sorry your family had to go through this. This brought me to tears. Your son is a lovely young man and so kind. You and Chris are raising 3 great kids who obviously have fantastic parents.

I am so very sorry for what this woman said and did. It amazes me how harsh people can be. You are such awesome parents.I am not sure I could have kept my cool.

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Norma Abma

12/30/2014 03:04:20 am

I'm so sorry that happened and hope Isaac will not feel uncomfortable going back to a place he loves to visit.

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elaine west

12/30/2014 03:31:54 am

Am so sorry you and your son had this experience. I can sort of relate. When I was 4, I had polio, and have been in a wheelchair since (am 68). When I got ready for kindergarten, the school officials said that I couldn't attend bexcuse it would be too traumatic for the other children to see a child in a wheelchair. So I was home schooled til 4th grade, then a friend of my mother taught in a two room country school, told her to bring me for the experience. So I wasn't registered in a public school till 9th grade. My disability was visible, his isn't. People need to be more kind in the treatment of strangers, I hope this will not affect your son. In school. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and also with this woman who has such a bad image of 13 year old boys. May God bless you all.

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Susan Tridle

12/30/2014 03:36:38 am

Very well written. I'm so sorry you, your family, but mostly your son had this experience. I'm an old friend of your Aunt Lorrie. I can relate. My son has a diagnosis Mid Intellectual Disability, Anxiety, Communication Disorder, and tendencies of Autism and OCD. In 8th grade he was accused by a classmate of sexual harassment with the encouragement of a teacher. It was a false accusation set up by her boyfriend because Jordan was a little more unique. We took the same route you did. My son is awesome! I have no doubt yours is too!

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Delayne

12/30/2014 03:38:10 am

Wow, incredible story. I'm sorry you went through this. I hope the woman didn't come back out of embarrassment. She should be ashamed of her actions.

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Joni Vaughn

12/30/2014 06:24:02 am

People like this are the freaky ones and need to be slapped. Wonderful manners for an adult. Great example for our kids.

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Micki Vedder

12/30/2014 06:46:16 am

I've been thinking about this all day. I'd like to find that woman and shake her til her teeth rattle around her empty head.

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Julie

12/30/2014 08:44:07 am

So sorry your family had to experience this. I Hope this doesn't affect Isaac's love for swimming.

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Kathie Brown

12/30/2014 09:17:02 am

So sorry you and Isaac were attacked by such a miserable woman. I suspect she had a lot of underlying issues to be so mean. One can only guess. I feel for her children as they probably see that side of her often. You and Chris are such wonderful parents and I enjoy your blog. Karen keeps me posted as well on all your family's accomplishments which are many! You are good role models for ALL parents, with or without children on the spectrum. Hugs to all of you. God bless, Kathie

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Pam Baumgartner

12/30/2014 09:18:53 am

It is so unfortunate that there are so many mean spirited people in this world. I am sending comforting hugs to your son and your family. Writing about the experience will help others know they are not alone in their own experiences. There is much ignorance involved. We need to continue to educate and you are doing just that. Thank you for being a strong woman and sharing your story.

This made me so sad! I am so proud of the way you and your husband handled the situation. I would have had more than a few choice words for this lady? Our grandson, Austin passed away almost 5 years ago in his sleep. He was 7. He also had autism. I would give anything if I could have him back. The pain is as bad today as it was 5 years ago, March 30th, 2007 Stay strong and may God Bless your family FOREVER!! I will keep you in my heart!!

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Wendy turner

12/30/2014 11:55:44 am

My heart and empathy go out to you all.

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Dawn

12/30/2014 12:55:00 pm

As an adult if I have a problem with something a child is doing or has done I would take it up with that child's parents. That's for any child.

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Mark

12/30/2014 01:09:14 pm

I am sorry that your son was yelled at in this way. Autism is never easy to deal with for strangers, and definitely not easy on the family. Unfortunately you are correct about the blank stare being oft mistaken for threat, or interest, when it is actually simply confusion or an attempt by the autistic mind to puzzle through some interaction that we find so well, easy.

Good luck in your journey... and bless you... and your children in they're paths...

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Tiffany

12/30/2014 01:50:03 pm

I have felt this way before! Thank you for managing to express it so wonderfully! My thought as people look at my Ty when he does not respond or act "normally" is that thank the lord he doesn't even care what they think!

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Robin

12/30/2014 03:16:32 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. We had a situation at my older sons hockey game during our Christmas holidays. A man was upset that my 7year old son had taken 2 seats in the packed arena - he didn't know how hard it was for my son to be there and he didn't see the meltdown an hour earlier. Taking the 2 seats and listening to his iPad with headphones was his escape but I suppose to others that are unaware of his autism can misinterpret that has selfish and ignorant on our part. Having my 7 year old do what was needed to be comfortable in those surroundings allowed me to be there in support of my older son. Thankfully I only got a head shake instead of a mouthful.

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Scott

12/30/2014 10:52:32 pm

My autistic son Josh has experienced similar incidents. My response to those people who say "what's your problem" or "what are you staring at" is he's autistic what is your diagnosis.

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Dan

12/30/2014 11:57:55 pm

She's a bad peson, Tyann. I feel bad for the people that have to be around her on a daily basis.

Yes, once they look like teenagers, much of their behaviors that were met with empathy as children will be met with hostility. When an adult - especially one in an authority role - thinks your teen has the stereotypical teen 'tude of "I don't care," "I am not impressed," "This is stupid," consequences are harsh and painful for the teen. Add to that other assumptions about teen boys in particular, and it is rough. People will only see what they expect to see. VERY glad you have plans to work with a professional. Recognizing this necessity this hard way sucks. But intervention at this point for any teen with autism helps them avoid future pain and even, as you mention, possible danger.

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Tom

12/31/2014 01:47:37 am

As a friend and Nebraska Wesleyan University classmate of your friend, Jeanne, I think the lady who yelled at your autistic son has mental health issues. Or she may have grown up with traditional beliefs towards people with disabilities. I had a former vocational rehabilitation counselor with bias towards my writing career and a dual disability (cerebral palsy and profound deafness). She was a self-absorbed person who cares about ruling over people with disabilities.

Prejudice is a disease that cannot be treated but people who are prejudiced often see themselves as perfect. The lady is an example of this. I feel bad for the prejudiced person and her family. They don't have an opportunity to see your son as a part of today's diverse society.

See my point?

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Brandy Shew

12/31/2014 02:50:08 am

The public needs more education. I work in an EMD class ...I work with children who are on the spectrum. Non verbal. More and more children are being diagnosed with autism. Yet unfortunately most people do not know what it means or understand the uniqueness of these children. Our world needs more understanding and empathy and less judgement. I also have a teenage daughter. It is my job to protect her ...but from a threat ...not a misunderstanding. I'm sorry

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Daniela

12/31/2014 05:10:49 am

Hey, I´m from Argentina, and I ran into this letter by chance, a friend which commented here I believe, who is from the US.
I want.. I want to say I´m sorry for what happened. I`m sorry for what you have to put up with everyday, I´m sorry for the sadness of having a child who will have to struggle with these things every day... but, on the toher hand, having read your letter, I´m also happy that it was you who had this child and not that woman. I believe you must be terrific parents.
blessings, happy new years

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Matthew

12/31/2014 06:22:32 am

My heart aches too. i have disabilities as well and i kno a kid wirh autism......if her "husband" is in law enforcement, i would hope he has more understanding than she does....

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Crista

12/31/2014 08:50:54 am

That is very said she never should have snapped at your son no matter what she should have asked to talk to his parents. People like that make me sad and I am so sorry that your son and family had to encounter such disrespect and ignorance. Hope that your son is doing ok.

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Tyler

1/1/2015 03:08:54 am

My son has sensory processing disorder and I recently listened as two mothers berated me for allowing my son to follow their children around (he was trying to figure out how to play with them). They said, loudly and publicly, "leave us out of your little social experiment." I can only guess they meant my child's life is a social experiment, as it was a public playground. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so helpful for me to hear about the struggles of others. Our children are different, but watching them learn in the world is fascinating and beautiful. Best of luck to you!

This actually made me cry. It made me sick to my stomach. I know exactly how you feel and have had similar experiences. And btw:
YOU HANDLED THIS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I WOULD HAVE.
Beautiful job, Mama. I am so sorry you and your dear, relaxed for that moment son and family had to go through this.

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Author

I'm Tyann Sheldon Rouw, mother of three sons, wife to one husband, and lover of all chocolates. My twins have autism. I like the color green, advocating for autism, and trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes it's not easy. Usually it's funny.