Sense & Sensitivity.

A need to get past tension

September 22, 2003|By Harriette Cole.

Dear Harriette: I think your response to Belinda in Nashville (whose infertile friend is uncomfortable with her pregnancy) was right on. She needs to be greatly encouraged to seek support for herself to maintain her friendship.

I have two cousins who are brothers. One wanted children desperately but has been unable to have them. The other didn't particularly want children but wound up married and having them. The strain, unsupported, ruined their relationship, and the infertile couple has not spoken to the rest of the family in years. Belinda, get the support you need now! Your friend is a valuable part of your life. It would be shame to lose her over something out of your control.

Virginia: Your family's tragic example is further proof that having compassion for other people's challenges is vital in maintaining successful relationships. When people behave without regard for others and their personal plight and realities, it often causes tension, even in families. This is particularly true when it comes to one's ability to bear children. To those who are caught up in their own sense of longing, clinical psychologist Jean Wright, PhD says, "Remind yourself that your negative feelings will only confound and complicate the problem, while being supportive can not only yield benefits for your relationship, but also elevate you on your personal path of development."

Dear Harriette: My girlfriend and I have been together for three years and have lived together for 1 1/2 years. When I met her we were both in school and working. I am finished school and have a career. My girlfriend doesn't seem to want to work. Every time she finds a job, she doesn't like it. She doesn't give me sex. I pay for everything and all she wants to do is stay home, sleep, eat and watch television. My friends say I should break up with her, but I really love her and don't know what to do.

-- Karen, New York

Karen: Listen to your heart and take action. Look in your community and online for mental-health support for your girlfriend. She needs to discover what is making her despondent and possibly depressed. She may need professional guidance to help lift her out of her current slump. If your job's insurance covers psychotherapy, go to counseling together to explore your relationship.

No matter what, when you are feeling relaxed and pleasant, have a talk with her. Turn off the television and discuss your relationship: what drew you to like one another from the beginning, the activities you have enjoyed, and your goals for the future. Ask her what she wants for herself and for your life together. Evaluate whether your goals remain compatible as well as where improvement would be beneficial. Agree on little things you can do to strengthen yourselves individually and as a team. Review these areas regularly to support your progress. If, over time, there's no improvement, then consider whether you want to break up.