It probably has something to do with the Robot Apocalypse

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How to Talk to a Robot

Every time my Google Voice number rings both of my phones I know fun is about to happen. I reserve that number as my junk phone number for borderline reputable Internet sites and free fishbowl lunches. It is usually preceded by my junk Yahoo email. I know if someone is calling both of my phones that their goals of making a sale and my goals of having fun are going to clash.

When I noticed both of my phones ringing I had both of the kids in the car, parked in the garage and playing. My daughter was busy pretending to drive us to the store and my son was bouncing around in the back seat. Back seats make excellent, cushioned play pens in an unmoving car.

It’s always much more fun when a telemarketer calls when the kids are around. I sometimes ask my daughter to talk on my behalf but she always freezes under the pressure. We are still working on sharpening her sarcasm.

So I answer the phone.

Me: Hello? …. Hello?Lady: (Long Pause) He-hello?Me: Hi.Lady: Oh Hi there. Hehe. I’m looking for the business owner.Me: OK.Lady: Are you the business owner?Me: Sure. (At the time I was running a daycare out of my car)Lady: Ok great. Well we’re offering great low rate loans to businesses like yours (car daycares) and I just have a few questions if that’s ok?Me: OK lets go.Lady: OK great! So how long have you been in business?Me: (Looking at the kids) Almost 3 years?Lady: OK. (strange calculated pause) Does your business generate more than $10,000 a month?

In a split second of time, I reran the whole conversation over in my head. The personality, the clipped pauses, the uncertain “he-hello”, and the slightly odd progression of the conversation – it suddenly hit me that I was talking to a chat bot. A very convincing chat bot. I’ve had these conversations before but didn’t realize it was a convincing robot until after the conversation. Realizing this during the conversation was like waking up during a dream and I could fly!

Me: Hey wait! You’re a robot!Robot Lady: No sir. I assure you I’m a real person.Me: No way! I know you’re a robot! (Changing my voice as if I’m speaking to a child)Robot Lady: (giggles girlishly) Oh sir! I am a real person. Can you hear me OK?Robot Lady: (Changes her voice back to the serious inquisition) Can we continue?Me: Yes…

I’m right! Her playful tone quickly switched back to a prerecorded “can we continue?” Also, she made no human reaction to my change in voice – which could have called for her to jump off the script to ask why I thought she was a robot. At this point I think I can reset her, forcing her into an endless feedback loop of fun, and agree to continue with the questions.

Robot Lady: Would you be interested in low interest rate loans for your business.Me: You’re a robot!Robot Lady: Uh, I am a real person.Me: Yes you are. That’s exactly what a robot would say.Robot Lady: No. (flatly, robotic, angry?)

Meanwhile my daughter was getting frustrated trying to open a water bottle.

Daughter: I can’t do it!Robot Lady: Sir these are questions we have answer. (100% confirmation!)Me: Can you help us open the water bottle?Robot Lady: I can’t help with that. (Clipped pause) Can we continue?

She continued with a few more of her robot questions. Eventually and I got transferred to a gruff old man who sounded real. My son was trying to climb into the front seat to join in the conversation.

Gruff: Hey it looks like we’ve emailed you the information already and Matthew is working on your file.Me: Yeah but your robot called and I told her I wanted to talk to a real person.Gruff: Oh Matthew will be in touch soon. We won’t bother you with the robot anymore. Sorry.Me: Can the robot lady come over and watch the kids?Daughter: NO! He try bite me! Whaaaaa!

-Dial Tone-

I had read this article awhile ago and I have been causally on the lookout for robot callers since. The calls from the Time article are below. It sounds like this same “Samantha West” is back and is now selling business loans.

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2 thoughts on “How to Talk to a Robot”

Hi! This comment is about a post you made several years ago about signature pad art. I loved it. I would like to use one of the images in a book I am publishing–could you please email me so we can discuss? Thanks!

This is GREAT!!! Especially the second call. I got called by my first robot this week…crazy thing was the first call or two, I really DID think it was a real person. When I finally realized it WAS a robot, I started having fun like you. Wish I could’ve recorded. What a bunch of d*cks!!!