Tuesday night the Cardinals, Fox Sports Midwest, and KMOX put together a broadcast auction to benefit Cardinals Care, where viewers/listeners could call in and bid on a variety of fan experiences.

Most of the auction items involved spending time with a current or former Cardinal in some fashion, like shadowing Jim Edmonds to get a feel for what it’s like to be an ex-ballplayer trying to get a feel for what it’s like to be a broadcaster, or playing catch on the field with an injured Michael Wacha*.

The full list of experiences was quite impressive. Which gets us wondering, what other ideas were considered? Oh, to be a fly on the wall during those brainstorm sessions with Cardinal brass. Undoubtedly, a host of ideas were floated but not chosen for one reason or another.

Well, wonder no more, because once again, we turned to our extensive network of JSF insider industry sources. They haven’t had much to do lately, so together they flexed their well-rested investigative muscles and uncovered a list of proposed auction items that didn’t make the cut. Here are just a few notables from that list:

THE SCOTT SPIEZIO FRIEND EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience with former Cardinal (and Illini) great Scott Spiezio for the whole family

Scott Spiezio arrives at your home sometime between midnight and 5 a.m. on a mutually agreeable date

Spiezio, under the influence of alcohol and narcotics, crashes his BMW into a tree in your front yard

Spiezio, filled with rage, breaks down your front door and kicks your ass in front of your wife and children

Attendee is escorted out of the stadium following the seventh inning for defensive purposes

NIGHT OUT WITH JOE BUCK AND FERNANDO TATIS EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

Overpriced, mediocre dinner at any of the two (2) area Buck’s locations, J. Buck’s in Clayton or Joe Buck’s downtown, with Joe Buck and Fernando Tatis

Two (2) Field Box Tickets

Private postgame party with Mr. Buck and Mr. Tatis for attendees and up to twelve (12) guests in the Florida Room at Just Johns in The Grove

Mutually agreeable date

ESTEBAN YAN BATTING PRACTICE EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for four (4) people

Take batting practice against former Cardinals pitching piñata Esteban Yan and experience the thrill of hitting a home run in the big leagues

Each participant is limited to ten (10) home runs in total, or approximately fifteen (15) pitches

All four (4) attendees receive a personally autographed baseball from Mr. Yan during post-batting practice meet and greet session

All four (4) attendees receive heavy-duty towels to wipe off Mr. Yan’s sweat resulting from aforementioned meet and greet

Also includes four (4) pairs of galoshes

THE KEVIN SLATEN & JACK CLARK BROADCAST EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

Winners are given three (3) hours of prime afternoon drive airtime on the local religious, community, or pirate radio station of their choice, during which they can say pretty much whatever the hell they want about anybody

Following the broadcast, each participant receives one (1) authentic defamation demand letter threatening legal action, autographed by Terry Crouppen of the St. Louis-based Brown & Crouppen Law Firm

One (1) late-night phone call from InsideSTL president Tim McKernan, informing each participant the show has been cancelled

Infinity (∞) chances to be a radio show host at another St. Louis sports station

One (1) replica of the amendments to the U.S. Constitution on parchment, suitable for framing

* In the event Mr. Wacha is unable to play catch, he will still be present for the experience, but Randy Choate will play catch in his place, as he really needs the work. Additionally, the attendee will be allowed to make eye contact with Mr. Wacha no more than five times throughout the entire duration of the experience.

About a year ago, we introduced you to the Fernando Tatis Twitter Experience. Although it has been around for a while now, the former Cardinal recently unveiled his latest work of art, and despite his immeasurable talents, not everyone is aware of this burgeoning young artist. So this seemed like a good time to revisit the subject, just in case you’re not following him.

Like any great work of art, the piece, which Fernando calls “Business Casual,” could be interpreted any number of ways. The literalists among us might point out that the subject, Tim Tebow, is currently not playing professional football, and in fact has signed on to become an analyst on ESPN’s new SEC Channel, which will obviously require him to wear a suit. And perhaps, when he’s relaxing around the house, Tebow still wears his No. 15 Denver Broncos jersey. There are certainly plenty of those left in circulation.

A more conceptual interpretation might be that the work is a reflection of the artist’s own innermost thoughts and desires. Perhaps the subject is Fernando himself. To the laymen’s eye, the giant cheeseburger heads might denote a heavy influence on the artist by Mayor McCheese. The more experienced Tatis art connoisseur realizes this is yet another expression of his fondness for Wendy’s.

To avoid any confusion, now might be a good time to point out a few things you should know in order to fully appreciate Fernando’s work.

1) Tim Tebow is a constant source of inspiration. Despite the fact that he’s basically been out of football for two years, the former college star continues to stir Fernando’s creative juices.

3) Fernando’s work projects a certain kind of child-like innocence, not dissimilar to that of a Norman Rockwell painting. For parents of young children, it’s important to resist the urge to print it out and stick it on your fridge. Case in point, this piece inspired by the exceedingly harsh winter:

Now, some say the Fernando Tatis Twitter account is fake. But you know, they say the same thing about Jerry Springer and pro wrestling. I ask you, does it really matter? The important thing is that we like watching fat, ignorant rubes pull on each other’s hair in front of a screaming crowd.

We’re very excited to bring you another round of St. Louis sports Valentine’s Day cards. Instead of going with a traditional holiday card format, we decided to leverage the fantastic “Rookies” iPhone app to create actual “baseball cards”. That means, for some of the cards below, they’re cards of Cards cards. Triple “cards” action.

In an effort to protect pitchers from line drives to the noggin, MLB has approved the use of specially designed padded hats. Naturally, use of this high tech protective gear is optional. So is aesthetic value. Although “padded hats” may bring to mind images of foam Little League trucker-style hats, fear not good people. These hats will be much worse.

Springfield, MO gets Shelby Miller, Joe Kelly, and Kolten Wong. Illinois gets Matt Adams and Shane Robinson in one lineup and Kevin Siegrist with Oscar Taveras in another. Dyersburg and Memphis, TN? They get Keith Butler, Randal Grichuk, Al Hrabosky, and Rick Horton. What did those fans do to deserve such a fate?

Imagine Mike Matheny as Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham or Tony Cruz as Mrs. Patmore the cook at Downton Abbey. Granted, Allen Craig is no Michelle Dockery, but that’s not to take anything away from how good he looks in a sleeveless plum colored dress. Now imagine most of your favorite Cardinals as Downton Abbey characters. We’ll help.

TOOTBLAN – Thrown out on the basepaths like a nincompoop. The acronym was created just for Ryan Theriot, and the standard bearer of TOOTBLANs has decided to walk away from the game after 8 thrilling years of mediocre baseball.

Seeking to cash in during his 15 minutes of fame, Rally Squirrel has released an extremely detailed and sordid autobiography that will shock and awe you. Tales of crazed groupies and working sessions involving ice cold frosty Bud Lights with a certain broadcaster prove both enlightening and provocative.

ESPN’s SportsNation released a digital survey yesterday that asked a very simple question.

“Which team will win the SEC Championship game in Atlanta: Auburn or Missouri?”

Given that the teams have similar 11-1 records and both are coming off an impressive finish this season, an outside observer would likely guess that this question is a toss-up with potential favoritism leaning towards Auburn since they knocked off Alabama this past Saturday.

Alas, that’s not how it worked out.

Aw, good ole Missouri.

Even Alaska isn’t convinced of Gary Pinkel’s squad, but the bigger story is that they have the internet up there. Who knew?

We sifted through our archives and discovered that this isn’t the first time the state of Missouri remaining staunchly loyal in their online polling and if history is any indicator, the SEC Championship game should end well for citizens of the Show Me State.