22 comments

This was very informative and interesting. I think the problem with me is that I HAVE been working really hard on my moods, my energy, my happiness in MOTHERHOOD. I feel that I’ve finally reached the point where I am happy being the mother that I am. I am almost always in a good mood for my children, I learned how to have patience for all their craziness and BH, I feel good about my days with them.
Through all this though, maybe I have been neglecting to work on being a perfect wife. To me, that is sooooo much harder. For children, you can be fake, you can work on things on the outside, but for a husband, there’s no way to be fake, he can sense the realness inside of you and as you said, to be available for your husband, you have to work on yourself too. And somehow I just find that much, much harder.

Hi,
This was my struggle for 3 years, since my ldest child was born. It was a mix of not having any energy at the end of the day, which made me totally resentlful of the fact that my husband even thought it was an option to “keep me up late” when all I really needed desperately was sleep, and a physical aversion to being touched at all. I ended up speaking to a few rebbetzins and a few therapists, and they all just spoke about the emotional side. THEN, when I stopped nursing one of my babies, the aversion just went away. I realized that all the emotional things I was working on were really not the issue, but hormones were the issue. I realize now that both birth control, and nursing, and different points in pregnancy made physical touch and anything intimate really really unpleasent for me, and this realizations intself has changed my marriage. Firstly, I have now told my husband that hormonally, as much as I wish it wasn’t so, certain things are very unpleasent for me at this time and he knows now not to touch me in those ways. Secondly, I am pregnant, and I do not plan on nursing this next baby (which is hard for me, but my marriage is worth it), and I plan on using an IUD instead of pills. I feel sad that no one had mentioned the hormonal component before, but now that I am aware of it, people all over tell me they had similar experiences! Anyways, also at the beginning having an open conversation with my husband about it felt really mean on my part and I didn’t want to hurt him, but it proved to be really helpful and important. hatzlacha!!!

thank you so much chana jenny, very excellent talk. I think that couples need to work together to really make this work. as in the husband should either be the one to help more in the home, or encourage with getting household help. babysitters, using plastic throwaway instead of regular dishes, to cut down on the washing. I am not putting any blame on husbands at all here, what I am trying to say is if the couple can work out a plan of running the home differently for a while so the wife can emotionally be able to focus more on herself, and know that her husband is onboard with their ideas together, it can really be better for both.

I had been hoping to have an opportunity to share my experience with birth control with other mothers. For many years I was either pregnant or nursing and I struggled a lot with feeling down and anxious. About Two years ago I starting using hormonal birth control for the first time, and suddenly I feel emotionally better than i have in my whole life. Generally positive, calm, good. I take a combination pill called Zoely.

I would love to have a forum where we can all discuss birth control. IMH in a couple months I will be in that parsha and all this time I have been only using VCF. I would like to know what other women do and how it affects them. The thing I am most worried about it being on an emotional rollercoaster while on birth control. Help!! Also, I loved hearing on one of the comments how one mother will not nurse this time around. I was also flirting with that idea. I feel bad about it because I nursed all my kids (and supplemented), I wanted them to have Jewish milk. But I just don’t want to nurse this time around and I feel guilty about it.

I have long wanted to make a public service advertisement for frum women, but did not think it would be in this forum. Now, I was given the opening, so…… I am in the field of OB-GYN, and I cannot even begin to tell you the statistics of women that I see who’ve gotten pregnant using VCF, the method “anonymous mommy” mentioned. VCF is a method of birth control that is “hit or miss”, and should only be used if you are OK getting pregnant. If for medical or psychological reasons, you are not in that place that you would be OK with an unplanned pregnancy, please,please use a more effective method!!

I had been feeling rather burned out after having 3 babies in 6 years and felt I needed to do something about it. I got migraines, I was grumpy with everyone and did not feel like intimacy. My midwife suggested I might be low on progesterone and gave me the name of a website:http://www.johnleemd.com/cgi-johnleemd/sb/ss_mb.cgi?storeid=*161419c91a8840620749a04f38&ss_parm=A8c74cd4383477cbeceed7e87c81ab39c
I have been using bioidentical progesterone cream for 3 months now and feel I have more energy and fewer symptoms. I have also cut white sugar out of my diet and I take fish oil pills everyday. I take walks, make time for my knitting and find time to spend with HaShem. I feel all these things help make me a better wife and mother. My cup doesn’t feel empty all the time now.

I also started recently taking Omega 3 supplements (2000 mg)every day when I heard that it could help people with anxiety and I am usually very skeptical about things like this- but i found it to be extremely helpful in keeping my nerves in check and helping me to stay even-keeled in the afternoons with my kids

Hi Chana Jenny,
Thank you so very much for this talk. I think it’s probably one of the best peptalks you could have done, and I’m so proud of you for not being afraid to talk about this! You did it so beautifully. I needed to hear it, and I’m sure so many others did too. Thank you, and may it be a zechut for you!

I know, not always so easy to do with little kids. This is something I have begun to prioritize in recent years and I cannot emphasize enough the difference it has made in so many aspects of my life!

I don’t ever schedule anything during my baby’s nap – it is sacred time! – and I nap together with the baby. When I had two at home, I worked really hard to synchronize their naps so I could nap too! One year I had three at home – I won’t say I got to nap all the time, but whenever I got the younger two down at the same time, I would take the older one into my bed with me and get him to do something relaxing with me, and he often fell asleep too!

Again, putting it on the woman. How about the man making his wife feel important, not just for her body, and him pampering her? I feel like as each kid joins the family, the woman’s job and responsibilities grow astronomically, where the man continues the same path. He doesn’t daven, learn, or work any more hours.
I am very sad that one commentor is not going to nurse her child so her husband’s needs can be satisfied.
The kesuba requires that the man satisfy his wife. Not the other way around.
Just remember the old adage: happy wife, happy life. And that whatever you give a woman, she multiplies.
There’s way too much of telling women to do more and fix things, and nothing put on the men to do their part.
A man once came to the Lubavitcher Rebbe telling of a segula for shalom bayis. The man said he’d heard that folding the tallis after Shabbos was a segula. The Rebbe replied that he wasn’t sure about folding the tallis for shalom bayis, but for sure folding up the sleeves and washing dishes is!
Men, step it up.

I totally agree with everyone, but I did hear that a man’s need for intimacy is equivalent to a woman’s need to talk to her husband and share the details of her life. The lecturer asked, “What would it feel like, ladies, if you were deprived of the ability to talk about your feelings and verbally process them?” This is how intimacy is for men. Also, oxytocin is released after intimacy. Hasn’t anyone else noticed that their husband looks at them and speaks differently/nicer after the fact?

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