It’s not the same as before, not even close. This sounds trite, but part of me left with my baby, and I will never be the way I was.

I have become more wistful, rather than bone-crushingly sad.

Some moments though, it floods back. My grandma went to the hospital again in the early hours of Saturday, again she’s ok, but we still don’t know what’s causing the seizures. Medicine being an inexact science and all of that…

I have a habit of scanning the patient boards, call it a morbid curiosity, but I find the various ailments fascinating.

And there it was.

F,38 PV Bleed 6/40 Gest. Abd US.

She was crossed out, meaning she’d been admitted.

A few days ago, she was one of them. Happy, hopeful, glowing in the wake of her very recent BFP. Then, she crossed over.

As I joined the dots in my mind, my heart broke for her, this woman I never saw, never will.

After narrowly securing a cancellation spot, we have an appointment with the RE on Thursday to determine protocol. I’m expecting a long cycle (I think the cool kids call it a down-reg?). I’m wondering whether I’ll be put on something to start AF (will be at about day 25/40) because to wait for it to arrive would take it out to about another 3 weeks.

I’m very, very afraid of getting hopeful again.

(But know that I simply will not be able to stop myself from calculating EDD’s before I’ve even cracked open the first canister of drugs)

The day after I met my husband, we were driving around Mount Dandenong together, and when this conversation took place, we were in Olinda, stopping at a little general store for Cascade Raspberry, and Peppermint Magnums. I remember the whole day with crystal clarity, a stunning afternoon, filled with Spring. It was the third of September, 2006.

This was the day that I knew that my path to having children would be more complicated than I had previously thought. (Because of course, we all think it will be like they tell us at school… Don’t look at boys, you will automatically fall pregnant! Ok, so I wasn’t really that naive)

This man, in whom I already knew I had found something very, very special, told me he would never be able to be a father. He explained to me that since he had been diagnosed with Klinefelters, almost 20 years ago, he had always been told that he would never be a father.

It takes a lot for someone to be so honest. This was not a conversation we were having months down the track, after getting to know each other well, after falling in love. This was day 2.

I still hold an enourmous amount of respect for my husband, for making sure I knew what I was getting myself into.

I said, never say never.

***

I read up everything I could on Klinefelters (Yes, I did actually go further than Wikipedia, but it gives a nice summary):

Klinefelter’s syndrome, 47, XXY or XXY syndrome is a condition in which males have an extra X sex chromosome. While females have an XX chromosomal makeup, and males an XY, affected individuals have at least two X chromosomes and at least one Y chromosome.Klinefelter’s syndrome is the most common sex chromosome disorderand the second most common condition caused by the presence of extra chromosomes. The condition exists in roughly 1 out of every 1000 males.

The principal effects are development of small testicles and reduced fertility. A variety of other physical and behavioral differences and problems are common, though severity varies and many boys and men with the condition have few detectable symptoms. Because of the extra chromosome, individuals with the condition are usually referred to as “XXY Males”, or “47, XXY Males”.

We stopped using birth control after a couple of months. I was hopeful.

In late 2007, some time after I had first cried at a negative HPT that I was so sure would be positive, I went with my soon-to-be fiance to visit his endocrinologist. He was due to have his 6-monthly testosterone implant. It was at this appointment that we first sought current medical advice about our infertility.

His doctor told us that there had been some advances in IVF, and that ICSI had been used with some success in Klinefelters patients. She referred us to Monash IVF.

It took us almost a year before we were ready to make that appointment. I kept hoping.

When we spoke to this doctor, things became much clearer. The endo was perhaps a little too optimistic about our odds. In patients who have undergone long term testosterone therapy, the natural testosterone production is suppressed, and the body basically loses the ability to produce any sperm at all. We had less than 1 in 1 billion chance of conceiving naturally. There was a procedure that could be used with ICSI, but it involved removing up to half of the teste, and searching, blindly, for immature sperm. In a patient such as Mr G, after 20 years of testosterone replacement, there would be less than 1 in a million chance of finding any.

We drove down to the beach that afternoon.

It was there that we decided to get a donor to help us become a family.

***

We had our wedding to plan, and while I had had all the initial screening tests, which had come up pretty much clear, and we had met with a fertility specialist who would focus more on me, we decided to put off the actual trying.

We faffed around with the ‘when’ originally it was to be July this year, then some time next year, then at some indefinite point. Then it came back to July.

Symptoms mostly gone today. Still a little sore, and a little nauseous, verrrry tired, and feeling a little dizzy when I stand too quickly, but these can all be explained away.

Today, I really don’t feel like it worked.

I’m trying to work out how soon would be at least semi reasonable to test. I think that even as crushed as I will be if I get a BFN, at least I will be able to deal with it.

I hate waiting.

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Understanding Tashish

I'm a 28 year old teacher from Melbourne.
Mr G. and I have been married since April '09, and have always known that having a family was going to be a little more difficult than for the 'average' person, due to his Klinefelter's Syndrome.
We have been on a financially enforced 'break' from IVF since our miscarriage in late 2009. We hoped to cycle again in 2011, but pushed it out to early 2012.
It looks like this might be the one...
This is our story.

A Brief History of our TTC journey

September '06~ Meet Mr G, who tells me he has Klinefelter's (KFS) and will never be a father. Ever the eternal optimist, "never say never" say I.
Early '07~ Realise that this thing is for real, and start to look into MFI related to KFS. I am reassured by vague, sci-fi like stories of ICSI, and the Dr Google consensus that 'it's not impossible'. We try.
Nov '07~ Visit to the Endo for routine KFS checkup, obtain a referral to FS.
Dec '07~ Mr G proposes, and life goes all-wedding, all-time. We keep trying.
Late '08~ When it becomes obvious that it's not 'just going to happen', we make our first FS appointment, where it becomes clear that we will need help. Azoospermia, and a side order of suspected PCOS.
April' 09~ Our wedding
July/Aug '09 ~ IUI + injectables + donor sperm. AF arrives before beta.
September '09~ Book in for IVF
Oct '09 ~ Waiting, waiting, waiting... AF is almost a fortnight late
Nov/Dec '09 ~ IVF + ICSI + Donor Sperm. Stim for ages, poor response, threatened with cancellation. 2 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilised. 2 day, 4 cell, Grade B transfer. Faint Positive, Low first beta. Wait for appropriate HCG doubling. Levels are great, then that night the unthinkable happens.
Friday, 11th of December~ Our precious miracle is leaving.