Author's Note: This is
my first fan fic, so any comments and advice would be greatly appreciated! This
story takes place the night before the explosive battle with Cell, when Goku
died again. I alternated between points of view (first Chichi, then Goku,
followed by Chichi again, etc.) but it shouldn't be too confusing.
There's a little bit of sex towards the end (Goten had to be conceived
somehow!), but nothing graphic. So without any further ado, I present…

Hidden Shadows

By Crazy Retasu

I lie on my side,
staring at the unblinking numbers of the clock on the nightstand—1:13. I can't
sleep because my stomach is twisting with dread. I know I shouldn't worry. I
should be used to it by now. After all, I can't remember a time when he wasn't
fighting.

He rarely tells me
anything—fighting is his private mistress—but I know he has beaten enemies more
powerful than the gods.

My husband might
even be the strongest man in the universe.

I shudder
involuntarily, the memory of the virus that almost killed him still fresh on my
mind. A simple virus, a microscopic organism that knocked the legendary
Super Saiyan flat on his back! His recent brush with death makes me even more
aware of his mortality. He could have—should have—died then, but a brave
young man from the future changed history to give Goku-sa another chance at
life. Trunks can never know how grateful I am for that. I wouldn't be able to
live with myself if Goku had died thinking I didn't care. Sometimes I think I
yell at him too much, but it seems like that's the only way to get him to
notice I even exist.

Sigh. 1:15. The
hours crawl by too slowly. If only the fight would be finished already…

I roll over and
look at Goku-sa sprawled on his back, halfway beneath the covers. The faint
light from the window casts ghostly shadows over the planes of his face.
Sometimes years have passed without him in this bed beside me. He isn't the
ideal husband I had hoped for as a girl. I know he loves me somewhere in his
big heart, but the seduction of battle will always be stronger than any
feelings he might have for me. Yet I can't help loving him, crazy as that may
be.

I reach out to
brush the spiky bangs away from his closed eyes, but I draw my hand back before
I touch him. His hair is jet black now instead of the bright blond of the state
he calls Super Saiyan. He's been training in Super Saiyan constantly, but I
guess even the great Son Goku needs a break sometimes. He trains so hard. Gohan-chan
does, too.

I might lose both
of them tomorrow.

NO! I turn away
from Goku-sa, shoving the horrifying thoughts out of my mind, as if even
thinking about them will make them come true. I wrap the sheet tightly around
me. They'll both return safely tomorrow. I'll cook a big victory dinner to
celebrate—my boys will be hungry after all that exertion. Then Gohan-chan will
get back to his studies, and Goku-sa will find a job, like he promised me. Once
this Cell person is gone, the world will be peaceful again and there will be no
need for either of them to fight anymore. No need for them to risk their lives
again, no need for Gohan to lose more of his childhood, no need for Goku-sa to
leave his wife a widow…for the second time.

I clutch the
crumpled sheet tightly in my fists and bury my face in it, trying to hide the
hot tears spilling from my eyes. A silent sob wracks my body. I'm so scared of
losing Goku-sa again…and Gohan-chan means the world to me—oh Kami-sama,
why can't I stop crying?!

I hear the rustle
of the blankets as Goku stirs in his sleep. I hold my breath, praying that I
didn't wake him up while secretly hoping that I did, to tell him how I feel
before it's too late. But the room stays silent, dark shadows against the wall
appearing like hideous monsters waiting to rip my loved ones away from me. I
squeeze my eyes shut against a new upwelling of tears.

I know she's awake
because she's been restless all night. I can't sleep either. I keep thinking
about Cell. This will be the first fight where I don't think I can win. I'm
much weaker than the cyborg created from the DNA of both my friends and
enemies. There's something wrong about the situation—like that monster is our
fault. Cell didn't earn his monstrous power; he's strong because we are
such strong warriors.

We failed in our
responsibility to protect the Earth.

The battles will
have to be Gohan's responsibility from now on. The boy is stronger than he
knows—stronger than all of us. He's even stronger than Cell. At least I hope he
is. Sometimes I'm amazed that he is my son. Our son—mine and Chichi's.

"Chichi?"
I repeat softly and press down on her bare shoulder so she rolls onto her back.
I can see tears on her face in the pale moonlight flooding through the bedroom
window. I wonder why she's crying. She should be happy and proud that Gohan can
take my place as the protector of Earth. But then she doesn't like me to talk
about fighting.

She hurriedly rubs
away the wetness on her cheeks, then meets my eyes reluctantly. "Goku-sa—"
Her voice catches in her throat.

"What's
wrong?" I ask, propping myself up on one elbow. I wipe away a threatening
tear from the corner of her eye with my thumb. She opens her mouth but no words
come out, so she closes it again. She stares at me with a pained expression on
her face. Suddenly she flings her arms around my neck and sobs, "I don't
want you to die!"

My eyes widen. Die?
I don't want to die either. The first time wasn't very nice, although I did get
to meet Kaio-sama. I can see him anytime I want to now, though, so that doesn't
matter anymore. Death isn't so great. The food on Earth is better anyway. Or at
least Chichi's cooking is.

"I won't die,"
I tell her simply. As long as Gohan can defeat Cell, nobody is going to
die. If only we had more time to train…

"What if you
die tomorrow?" She loosens her grip and looks directly into my eyes. For a
moment I'm afraid she can see into the shadows that I try to hide inside
myself—the feelings that I pretend aren't there. "I can tell you don't
think you're strong enough to beat Cell," she continues. "You try to
reassure everyone else that you can save them again, to give them hope. You
trained as much as possible, hoping to reach a level where you might win, but
you don't know if you even have a chance!"

I don't know what
to say. I never thought she could figure me out so well.

"I don't want
to be alone again," she adds in a shaky whisper.

My shadows gnaw at
me. Guilt. I know I've left her alone too long. There was never anybody else
who could do what needed to be done, though. At least that's what I tell
myself. I had to train and fight, I had to overcome my limits, I had
to grow stronger every time. I was the only one who could have protected the
universe, and the good of the universe is more important than the happiness of
a single person.

But…

You are the only
one who could make me so happy. Those were the words Chichi told me the morning
after our wedding night, when Gohan was conceived.

Gohan, my
half-Saiyan son. It makes me feel like an old man when I think about how much
he's grown up.

Gohan is strong,
and can become even stronger. He will grow into the warrior who will protect
the universe. It doesn't have to be only my responsibility anymore. I've
neglected other responsibilities for too long. I can't fight both my guilt and
Cell at the same time. One battle is hard enough. If I live through the battle
with Cell, I'll have plenty of time to face the second battle.

"After
tomorrow," I begin slowly, "things will be different. I'll be a
better husband. I'll be here for you and for Gohan like I should have been
before. I won't ever leave you alone again."

I want to believe
him. I want our life to be like he says. But I know he can't change his ways so
suddenly. I can hardly see him in the shadowy half-light in our room. I touch
the side of his face with my hand, wondering, thinking, and finally dismissing
my dreams of how our marriage should have been. I want to make him swear
to do what he just told me, but Goku-sa always keeps his promises—and this
promise wouldn't make him happy. I might enjoy it for a while, but I know deep
down he would still be wishing for another battle. Goku is never completely
satisfied; he has to keep improving himself, keep seeking greater challenges.
Even if he was home all the time, he wouldn't be any closer to me than before.

"Promise me
you'll come back. Promise me Gohan-chan will be safe." That's all I can
ask of him. That's all I really need: the reassurance that I won't lose both of
them forever.

He hesitates.

Does he not want
to come back? Does he want to die tomorrow? He can't do this to me!

"Promise
me!" I cry, grabbing his shoulders. "Goku-sa!" Please, just give
me this much! Oh Kami! Prove to me that he still cares for me a little!

Her fear flows
around my mind like a rising flood. She knows Saiyans have limited telepathic
abilities, but she doesn't know how finely attuned I am to her sometimes. Her
emotions intensify my own doubts and fear of the upcoming battle. The shadows
rise up and threaten to drown me.

"I
promise." Not just to her, but to myself. I promise that I will overcome
my fears and come back home to the people I love. But I also vow to overcome my
shadows, and do what I need to do.

Shadows of guilt.
Of fear. Of doubt.

And shadows of
love.

I hadn't realized
that I pushed those feelings so far away. I don't need them to be happy. Maybe
it's because of my Saiyan heritage that I find great satisfaction in the rush
of battle. Each time I achieve a new level of physical and mental strength, I
think that the joy is worth the price.

Yet now it seems I
can't get any stronger, no matter how hard I push myself. I can't reach another
form of Super Saiyan; I can't transform into anything more powerful.

Is it really worth
the sacrifice of love?

Oh, Kami, so much guilt!
All my life has been focused on getting stronger, and now I have nothing else
left.

When she was
younger, Chichi's life used to be focused on loving me (she waited since she
was 12 for me to ask her to marry her!). Now what does she have
left?

I've messed up both
of our lives. Is it already too late for me to change that?

He sweeps me up in
his arms and presses his face into my undone hair. "I'm sorry," he
whispers softly. "Can you forgive me?" He doesn't have to explain why
he's apologizing. I know. My insides twist because I've never seen this
emotional side of him before, this side so unlike the carefree warrior Son
Goku. I should be glad that I revenged the hurt he's caused me, but I'm not. I
never wanted to do this to him. I love him, and don't want him to suffer.

Awkwardly, I pull
his head up and kiss him on the lips, a sign of forgiveness. Through half-lidded
eyes, I can see the surprise on his face. We never show any intimacy in public,
and it's been years since we even kissed. Too much time lost for fighting.

I pull away,
running my fingers through his shock of raven hair. He stares at me intently,
eyes slightly narrowed. I don't know what's going through his mind, but before
I can worry about it, he kisses me again. His mouth is open and hot, and a low
moan escapes my throat as our tongues melt together. He rolls onto his back,
pulling me over with him so I rest on his chest. My hands roam over the firmly
sculpted muscles of his shoulders and chest. I don't even know the feel of my
husband's body anymore. Marriage is the closest of bonds, yet we're almost
strangers to each other. I miss him, ironic as that sounds.

Our lips finally
part after a breathless eternity. "Don't cry anymore, Chichi," he
whispers. I smile sadly because I can see tears glistening in his own dark
eyes.

"Ssh." I
place a finger on his lips. "Don't talk." I just want to hold him and
reassure myself that he is real and alive, and stop thinking about tomorrow. If
I hide in his embrace, the future won't find me. Let him protect me for
once…

A shiver runs
through me as he gently nibbles the junction of my neck and shoulder. Slowly
and uncertainly, we share soft touches, gentle kisses, trying to recapture
something we haven't felt for such a long time.

I slide my
nightgown off over my head, then kiss him with increasing urgency. He pulls his
boxers down and kicks them off his feet, and we shyly explore naked bodies,
vaguely familiar from better times in the past. Memories stir in my mind of our
first night together. But the force of the present soon overwhelms me and I
soar in a dizzy skyful of bliss. It's been too long since we made love—too long
since we admitted we loved.

I feel her
everywhere, with my body and my mind. With the strange telepathy of my species,
I lose myself in her thoughts. She has her own shadows, her own regrets, but
she treasures the good memories, too. My restless soul finds some solitude in
that. She loves me, even though I'm not the man she deserves, and that gives me
hope. She'll be here no matter what happens, just as she has always been here
before, even though I left her.

The effect she has
on my body is a merciless punishment for abandoning her. The passion of our
union is too powerful for me to hold in anymore. She clings to me as I explode
into Super Saiyan, and a hot golden aura crackles over our skin. I can faintly
hear her whimpers over the primal scream tearing itself out of me. A blinding
flare of light illuminates the room, chasing the dark shadows out into the
night and banishing our tears.

But then the light
finally fades and I find myself back in my normal form. Chichi lies pressed
against me, her body and mind still close to mine. "Don't go
tomorrow," she whispers drowsily. I stroke her smooth back. The temptation
to stay with her is strong, but I must face Cell, if only to witness the
magnitude of power to be unleashed between him and Gohan. I start to give her
my reply, but she is sleeping peacefully.

Even if both
Gohan and I die tomorrow…she will not be alone. Part of me is with her now,
quietly growing inside her, but she doesn't know it yet.

The guilt has fled
for now. Maybe I can win both of my battles after all.

With a sigh, I
close my eyes and step over the edge into sleep, smiling.

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.