Sunday, October 27, 2013

The FGR Week 8 NFL Picks

We're going with rapid fire picks this week as I'm devoting my time to getting back to my roots by writing something with a little more depth than just finding twenty different ways of saying, "the Jaguars are terrible, Jim Harbaugh needs to find his happy place and the NFL rigged the Super Bowl blackout." In the meantime, let's get some NFL picks out just in time for them to be of no value to anyone.

San Francisco by 16.5 at Jacksonville: The Pick - 49ers+

All British references of
any kind mean it's Rosie
Jones time. It's just a rule.

The fact that this game is in London is not a coincidence.* The league figures that if they can strand the Jags on the other side of the Atlantic, they will solve the mistake they made by putting a team in Jacksonville in the first place and finally achieve their European expansion goal in one move. Or maybe the Jags will just spontaneously disband and live happily ever after abroad meaning the NFL can start all over in Los Angeles. Either way, everybody wins.

At Detroit by 3 over Dallas: The Pick - Cowboys

The fact that Jim Schwartz may actually have a longer tenure as the coach of the Lions than Matt Millen had as their general manager is a testament to ownership's loyalty and ineptitude.

At Philadelphia by 6.5 over N.Y. Giants: The Pick - Giants

The Eagles were completely stymied by the Cowboys at home and are now giving-up almost a touchdown this week because their opponent just "raised" its record to 1-6 last week. Welcome to the NFL's suburban middle-aged paunch also know as the NFC East.

At Kansas City by 7.5 over Cleveland: The Pick - Chiefs

There are a few things that you can do as an NFL team to make yourself "unpickable" from a gambling standpoint. Switching to your third string quarterback because the guy who was supposed to be your starter when the year began isn't getting it done is definitely one of them. (Being from Cleveland is another).

At New Orleans by 12 over Buffalo: The Pick - Saints

This feels like one of those 45-17 Superdome track meets with at least four Drew Brees touchdown passes and seventeen smug Sean Payton smiles. It's a good week to have Saints in your fantasy line-up. Might even be worth a flier on Joe Horn.

At New England by 6.5 over Miami: The Pick - Patriots

As noted in the Thursday FGR pick (winner), no team from Florida has won a game in over a month. Make that five weeks.

At Cincinnati by 6.5 over N.Y. Jets: The Pick - Jets

I find myself in the odd position of rooting for the Jets this week and actually believing that they are a good play getting 6.5 points against a Bengals team that doesn't have the firepower to blowout anybody. I feel like I need a shower.

Pittsburgh by 3 at Oakland: The Pick - Steelers**

"IT BURNS . . . IT BURNS!!!"

Picking the Steelers and the Jets in the same week . . . now I feel like I need a Silkwood*** shower.

At Denver by 13 over Washington: The Pick - Broncos+

The Redskins allowed a team quarterbacked by Josh McCown to roll-up 31 points in less than three quarters at home so when I apply the simple formula that (McCown + 1 quarter) x 2 = Manning, I come-up with a little over 82 points which should be enough to cover.

At Arizona by 2.5 over Atlanta: The Pick - Falcons

One of the best gambling stats of the year: no one has covered the spread the week after playing the Seahawks. The team on the wrong end of that this week is the Cardinals. The fact that the statue of Carson Palmer is playing behind a sieve of an offensive line with no running game doesn't help either.

Green Bay by 6.5 at Minnesota: The Pick - Packers+

For all I know the Packers will struggle in Minnesota like they always do and eek out a three point win on a Mason Crosby field goal at the buzzer but how can you pick a team that is rotating three quarterbacks who will all be coaching high school football by 2015?

Seattle by 10.5 at St. Louis: The Pick - Seahawks+

So you're the Rams and you're 3-4 in an NFC where the second wild card spot is probably going to the first team that can get nine wins, you lose your starting quarterback who has never really led you to anything and, to motivate your back-up (who may be just as good as your starter anyway), you run to the phone and call Brett Favre? I'm picturing a scene in the Rams' boardroom where the owner's twelve year old son is sitting next to him wearing a three-piece suit and whispers something in his ear and then the owner says, "get Brett Favre's agent on the phone now!"

Last Week's Record: 6-9 . . . Season Record: 56-49-1

Average score for the week was 81 so chalk-up another win for the FGR [I really need a name for this fictional enterprise]. All kinds of bye issues this week so we'll start Marques Colston and Julian "don't call me Assange" Edelman at receiver and we'll grab the Browns defense under the theory that it's going to be a low-scoring stinkfest in Kansas City.

Matthew Stafford - 29

I kind of dissed the Tampa cheerleaders in
the Thursday night pick but it's not their
fault so consider this a make-up call.

* I caught a few minutes of NFL Radio last week when a caller with a thick southern accent wondered allowed why the NFL doesn't make the London games away games for both teams so that neither loses a home game. When the host explained why that wouldn't work because all teams have eight home games and eight road games, the caller asked, "well what if they played it after the bye week?" I'm not sure where it went from there but who knew there were Jet fans in the south?

** I went and saw Anthony Jeselnik last night and I bring this up because he is from Pittsburgh and he did a nice job of antagonizing the crowd with it. If you're familiar with Mr. Jeselnik's work, you know that there is very little of his material that I can repeat here but, when someone from the crowd asked him what his favorite joke was, he did give us this nugget:

Man goes to see the doctor for a physical . . .

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating."

Patient: "Why?"

Doctor: "So I can examine you."

*** Silkwood is a 1983 movie about a woman named Karen Silkwood who is contaminated while working in some kind facility with radioactive materials. As if the subject matter wasn't emotionally charged enough, they casted an over-acting all-star team which included Kurt Russell, Craig T. Nelson, Ron Silver and Cher. I think someone was required to sob and/or pound their fist on a table every five minutes.