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Cambridge, MA—In a crushing blow to the world’s premier research institution, Harvard’s new university-wide printing network—officially designated as “CrimsonPrint”— has been ranked 1,322 by US News and World Report.

According to the authors, Harvard scored zero on nearly all of the reports metrics, and would have likely scored lower had it not been for grade inflation.

For years I have guarded this hall. Other great Houses encroach upon our territory year after year, testing our defenses in the form of dining restrictions. None but I, Bonnie, the HUID swiper of the ancient House of Leverett, stand in the way of a hygienic, orderly, and altogether pleasant dining experience, and utter chaos. For I must follow that most sacred oath of Harvard University Dining Services. This I swear and do repeat to myself before each meal be opened:

STONE HALL— In a move that shocked her dozing roommate, sleeptalker Eleanor S. Reiner ’20’s nighttime musings turned from that boy Jon in her Hist and Lit section to the environmentalism and anti-war stance of the Green Party of the United States (GPUS).

CAMBRIDGE – The faculty and staff of the Harvard College Writing Program announced today that not a single first-year had enrolled in a section of Expository Writing 20 entitled “Anomalies of Soybean Germination” despite its anticipated popularity.

Mister grill man, I come to you with an empty plate and a humble request: please bro, may I have some more grilled chicken? Can I cop some more? I bid you, broseph: place another succulent slab of that sweet, sweet protein onto my outstretched tray.

The Harvard College Wine Society is opening its application for another semester of bourgeois fun. Please complete the following application by September 14 at 11:59pm.

NOTE: While some of you may consider wine consumption fundamental your college experience, unfortunately, like many other organizations, our capacity is limited. To maximize your chances of acceptance, note that we admit applicants based on enthusiasm, size of wine cellar at home, and yearly trips to Napa Valley.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An ongoing investigation against Harvard University has revealed that the university admits more lobsters than Asian Americans.

As of the “College Beach Bash” last Sunday, 6500 lobsters had been admitted to Harvard College, thanks to extensive efforts to recruit applicants from underrepresented regions like Cape Cod. Contrast this to the mere 1,300 Asian American undergraduates at the College – a roughly 5:1 ratio of crustaceans to Asian Americans.

Many of you have heard about an incident that occurred Thursday morning in lower Manhattan involving interactions between the The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. and an esteemed university president. Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States.

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money.