Monday, July 29, 2013

Interview With the... Trampire?

Recently I took a break from talking about my vagina on my Facebook page to ask fans to message me some interview questions, in an attempt to make myself feel like less of an insignificant assflower. While this experiment did not succeed in making me feel important, it did reassure me that there are people out there far more disturbed than I am. So without further adoo-doo, here’s what they came up with.

Take a slightly overripe pear. Poke a couple of holes in it and throw it in the microwave on high for a few minutes. The resemblance is uncanny.

Q: Do you think that the over saturation of sexuality in media is having a negative effect on sexual culture in north America, or do you think that the exploration of "fringe/taboo" sexual subjects (ie fifty shades of grey or the sweet series) in media is having a liberating effect on north American sexuality?

Umm… huh? Sorry, I was too busy masturbating to gay midget interracial bondage porn. What? It was on TBS.

Q- What’s the hardest part of staying motivated to write?

My own feeble (and fecal) brain. Seriously, if there was an award for a person going above and beyond to ensure their own failure, I would probably psychosomatically break my own legs so I couldn’t go onstage to accept it. After all, awards are for winners.

Q- Do you have to be drunk to write this shit?

Usually, though my buzz level preference is “moderate to clumsy.”

Q- How about your thoughts on cheating husbands?

Husbands in general piss me right the hell off, but the cheating variety should probably come home to find all their shit tossed into the street, saturated in cat urine, and sprinkled with rotten eggs basted in raw sewage.

Q- Have you felt any backlash from being so open about your mental illness?

Surprisingly, no. Making fun of myself seems more beneficial than any therapy I’ve been through, and my readers have always been very respectful—which makes me wonder why the hell they like me in the first place. Freaks.

Only one? Okay… I’ll have to go with Christopher Moore. I remember reading The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove when I was a teenager and realizing that a book could actually make you nearly crap your pants from laughing so hard.

Q- So where did you grow up?

I’m a kitten from the mitten, baby. And like any true Michigander I sound like I’m talking through my nose, I consider a foot of snow a light dusting, and most of the injuries I’ve incurred in my lifetime have been prefaced with the phrase, “Hold my beer and watch this!”

Q- Is there going to be a sequel to Dolls of Disaster?

Holy crap, I can’t believe someone’s actually read that shit. Honestly, I’m not sure. The next adventure of Ginger and Lana exists inside my head (and in a few scribbles in a notebook) but I’m kind of a lazy fucker.

Q- When was it that you first found a fondness for nuts?

When I found out they existed. I believe the first time I was grounded as a child it was for telling a neighbor I was going to bite him in the balls.

Q- Have you ever had a turd so large you couldn't flush it?

Yes. I divorced it.

Q- What are some coping mechanisms you use to continue your writing when you are feeling less than stellar mentally? Do you find writing is part of your therapy?

The happy-feely answer would be that writing makes me piss rainbows and shit butterflies, but I’ve reminded readers repeatedly that this isn’t the Hallmark Channel, and I no longer drop acid. I don’t generally write much of anything when I’m feeling low, and the last year’s lack of productivity (as well as its mental shitstorm of suck) reflects that. However, if I do manage to squeak out a sweet little stinker during my down times it does usually provide a small lift for my spirit—albeit temporarily.

Q- Did you ever consider using "Z's" in place of "S's" when deciding your page name? Deez Nutz sounds so edgy and urban.

No. That is all.

Q- Is there anything you’ve written that you regret?

No regrets, though there is definitely an article that haunts me. A few months into the whole “trying to be a writer” thing I pitched an article to Cracked.com. While they bought it and it received over a million views, the editors did a lot of hacking and rearranging (which is their job, and they are damn good at it), and what ended up plastered all over the internet had a completely different feel than the piece I had written. Now, two years later, I still receive occasional emails and remarks about it from readers and I cringe a little each time… although that might be because my dog farts a lot. I'm talking RANK dog ass blasts 24/7. You'd cringe too.

Q- What is your bra size?

Well, until this recent bout of panic attack-induced weight loss I was almost filling out an A-cup. Now they’re back to being innies.

Q- Are you married?

Yes, that’s why I’m so sexually frustrated.

Q- What is your favorite thing you’ve written?

I haven’t written it yet. See that? Building suspense, and shit. Now you HAVE to stick around…. please?

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Alright my Nutty little Shitheads, I hope that was half as tolerable for you as it was for me. Thanks for joining in! Now that the quizzing is over you can commence your ridiculing and passing of judgment. I’d hand out participation ribbons now, but you know—that shit is for winners. xoxo

So I've been really busy being a lazy turd lately (which can be extremely fucking exhausting), but I didn't want either of my fecal...

If for some reason Kimmy hasn't offended the shit out of you, feel free to follow her on Facebook. Don't bother looking on Twitter, she gave up on that shit once she discovered it didn't mean anything sexual. Bastards.