Thursday, December 22, 2011

What a ride this month has been.
I visited an Optemetrist recently. I had planned on getting myself a new pair of glasses for a Christmas gift, since I broke my last pair back in June, & have been wearing an old pair since.
I chose a convenient Dr who had a registration page that you could fill out & email online, then made my appointment. Their office was bright & treny, with a friendly helpful staff. I went through a course of tests before I went in to actually see the Dr. 3 different types of eyes scans & those air puffer thingies. Anyhow, they took some digital pictures of my eyes, and when the Dr came in to adjust my prescription, he examined me further. First he dialated my eyes, then did a further exam requiring bright lights & scopes peering eerily innto my pupils while I resisted the urge to blink.
He decided to send me to a specialist because he saw some shadows on my retinal pictures, and upon further investigation appeared to be what he feared were "tears" in my retinas.
He specifically said that it was urgent that they be repaired as soon as possible, and if it wasn't remedied, could result in a "detatched retina". Ok, after hearing those two words and grasping their meaning, I basically floated out of there in a wave of shock & made my way home.
They stated that I could expect a call in 2-3 days from the specialist to arrange an appointment. After a bit of a kafuffle I got in to see them yesterday.
I must say I dislike having my pupils dialated. It results in wicked migraine headaches in which nearly everything hurts. It hurts to open my eyes, sounds are amplified & echo, my muscles are tensed up and difficult to relax. It is a very unpleasant feeling.
After an exam from the specialist, the Dr stated that I had a "significant" amount of retinal thinning & tears/holes in both of my eyes. He also stated that it's possible that even with lasering to remedy the ones he can identify, it won't guaruntee that another tear or thinning spot won't just appear and detach my retina, rendering me blind. In short, he explained that this was an eventuality, rather than taking a "preventative measure".
It puts into perspective the gift that sight is. I'm grateful to see, and grateful for those things that I have witnessed. I'm grateful I can see my children, and enjoy the expressions on their faces.
I'm not afraid of blindness, and am completely certain that it would not slow me down in least. Having never had experience with the world of the blind, I'm unsure what sort of services or training that sort of thing would require. Learning a new way to read and write & such would be interesting...but I'm most grateful for the fact that it would allow me to get a dog! My very own dog, who would be faithful to just me!
So, I'll be going in to see the Specialist in two separate appointments to have each eye lasered, and was told to expect pain, for which I should take Tylenol before I attend. Afterwards, any sort of head injury that I could sustain, has the possibility of rendering me blind. I understand that it's an eventuality, and I'm ok with it. I'm worried about the when. I'm sure I'll come to grips with that eventually as well.
Right now, I find I'm afraid to close my eyes to sleep, for fear of waking up blind. While I know this is irrational, I also know I just need to work my way through it.
So, I'm enjoying my holidays with the boys, and living my life day to day. For the time being that will be enough, because I know that my proccess is slower than most.
Right now, I'm enjoying the gift of sight.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Vacation is officially here for the boys.
We've been on a gamer kick for the last three days. Zelda & pretty much anything else that catches our fancy. The boys have also been building tunnels in their rooms for the hampster to go through out of Video Cassettes. All in all it's been quite enjoyable so far. Mellow, laid-back, & relaxing. No hectic schedules, no bouncing from place to place, no ill-timed meet-ups. No meltdowns so far, just a little spat here or there...nothing that a bite or two of food can't fix.
I've done my to-do's on my list, eliminating summer clothing from dressers & storing them away, knocking out the mending pile, doing some planned & unplanned baking, & keeping the house in decent shape, despite all 4 of us being cooped up.
I feel good this holiday season. I cannot express that enough. I hope that it shows when I'm spending time with the boys. I hope it shows when I'm cooking their food, doing their dishes, and watching them sleep.
My EI runs out by the end of this month. Am considering applying for regular EI (as opposed to Medical Employment Insurance), or possibly enrolling in school. There's no time like the present, I figure. I also know another semester is starting Mid-January. We shall see. Could be possible I may pick up a part-time job or two to make up for lack of income.
I've got some sewing projects I plan to do in the evenings, after the kids hit the sack. Some PJ's for the kids, a quilt for a friend, and a Domo hat & mittens set for the D-man.
I was hoping for some snow, but each time it snows it warms up the next day & it melts :o(
Lots on my mind. Mainly the difference between Shame & Guilt. Despite everyone's arguments, I cannot rid myself of the shame I feel over events that have taken place. This is the main issue that is
detrimental to my health. Working on it though. It's a bit tiring, as it means I'm going through everything again, over and over again, until I can convince myself otherwise.
I'm not ready for a full time responsible job yet, but I feel I can handle a part-time job that's easy to do.
I'm hoping the New Year will shape up better than this one did. Here's to hope.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Yep. We changed our plans at the last minute this week, and wound up in Clearwater, rather than Kelowna.
A friend had his Birthday this weekend, and I figured if he could make it down to Salmon Arm I could make it to Clearwater for HIS celebration.
Good food, good laughs, good sleep & chilling in a group full of parents & kids (some of whom stayed in pj's all day).
When it came ot party time, most everyone we invited couldn't make it to the party, so we enjoyed some Mr. Bean & fanTAStic food. After the kids were booted to bed, we busted out the jello shots & the Wii-motes. Picture 4 adults trying to keep up with Michael Jackson's moves dancing to Thriller...heehee. It made me giggle so hard I almost wound up with a jello shot coming out my nose. Was loads of fun, and now we're just gearing up to spend the day on the road, meandering back home whilst stopping in for quick visits with those we haven't seen in a while.
It's been a great weekend.
I'm beginning to enjoy doing the things that I actually WANT to do, rather than the things I feel like I HAVE to do. It's a very rewarding experience.
I'm in love with my family. Adorable boys who are brilliant in their own way, and a Mr who is making a genuine effort to be amazing.
While it's true that I miss Clearwater, and the friends we left behind here, I'm not anxious to move back any time soon. It leaves me with a large feeling of non-closure. It feels like I have unfinished business here, and a reputation to rebuild for myself. I'd love to have a go at attempting this, but not right now. I'm still much more fragile than I let on, and I'm ok with that.
I'm working on the difference between Shame & Guilt. I think once I've worked this out, I'll be able to start forgiving. Forgiving myself for getting into situations that I knew were dangerous, forgiving the assholes who took advantage of me, forgiveness for those who were supposed to watch out, but didn't. Forgiveness covers a wide scope of topics, I think. I know once I start it will all crumble, and I'll be a puzzle waiting to be put back together, only the picture will be much much different that it has in the past.
I'm glad, after all is said and done, that I have friends that I can feel safe around, no matter what my actions are. I'm glad I have a family that loves me. I'm glad I'm here.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

So much floating round my mind these days it's hard to keep track of thoughts & dreams. Dreams are quite strange these days too. Which, I guess, means my brain is trying to sort all these thoughts out.
I'm doing my best to avoid store-christmas shopping this year, and am keeping it to online purchases mostly. Not only is there more variety, but I feel it's saving me from impulse purchases that could wrack my bill up past my budgeted amount. I'm not buying for extended family, or even close family. I'm actually only planning on shopping for my household.
We're not travelling for Christmas this year, but keeping to our own home & area. We will, however, be travelling for New Years. After I've settled down on those plans, I feel quite at ease with this holiday season, and much less stressed about it all. I'm not doing a big Christmas dinner, but something small and nice that will be compiled of all of our favorite foods, not just a traditional spread.
This year, I'm making it about us.
I'm working on small breakthroughs with my therapist. Small steps to acknowledge all that I've survived this past year.
Lots to think about, and I'm glad I can manage it whilst we hustle & bustle our way through everyday life.
I just need to remind myself to stop and ask for a hug every now and then.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

It's been a long week. I swear I'm suffering from "Sympathy Recovery", LOL I've noticed that when MIL isn't feeling too perky I'm right there with her, and when she's feeling unstoppable we're both able to accomplish a whole bunch.
Since being here I've gone to see the newest Twilight Movie, which left little hearts circling my head, and gone to the Okanagan Bingo Casino. That last one was interesting, considering they smoke indoors down here. Eeew, is all I can say. It was an hour before my eyes started burning and my throat was so dry I could only croak. When I left I felt totally saturated, and showered when I got home. It wasn't until this morning that I got rid of that taste. It was fun, in any event, but I found it rather small.
I've also been crafting with my time, crocheting, and weaving, and reading my way through Christmas magazines. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I get home.
I sure have missed them and their bouncy enthusiasm. Their Christmas concert, and their School Photos came & went this week. Am hoping I can make something small for the children in H's class for their Christmas party, but we shall see what I can come up with.
Lots of things to contemplate this week. Death & suicide & my mindset 6 months ago. The differences between those on the north and south side of the border, and just how lifestyles can cause such drastic differences.
I've applied for a job with the local school district, and gone through the interview, and was required to speak to some old co-workers for references. That was a wee-bit uncomfortable, considering the questions they asked me, and the pointed tones in their voices referring to my mental health at the time that I left. It truly left me wondering if I shouldn't just apply for those little jobs for the time being, until I feel like it won't be watching over my shoulder and glaringly fresh.
Yes, I had a mental health breakdown. Yes, I was suicidal, and I'm here in front of you asking you to employ me. Yes, I have unresolved issues in my personal life, who doesn't? Yes, I've sought treatment for these issues, and am coping the best I can with the help of my family and friends.
This past 6 months feel like I've lived a lifetime, and I'm assuming it will take ages to work my way through the events of the last 6 months.
Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, separations, searching for help and not receiving it, and my spiral into addictions I had assumed were resolved, and my subsequent re-resolving, the passing of 3 family members, reconciliation, finding the help I needed, and acceptance of the three things I need to survive.
In truth, when you see it listed like that it is a lifetime. When you see it like that, one can see that I'm starting over again, hopefully more aware from y experiences.
When I consider suicide, and it's ramifications, I can't help but think to myself that it's a justified state for some. For those who are un-save-able. While those who've passed on in this manner have saddened me with their passing, I find myself unable to be angry or holding them to blame. I merely find myself saddened by the loss and truly sympathetic to their plight.. I'm wondering if that's weird. Do those left behind in the wake of suicide usually feel that way?
It all leaves a lot left for me to ponder, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Silently, mind you, because I don't know exactly what I idea I want formed until I've sorted it all through.
All in all it's been quite the ride so far, and it's working it's way back to what would resemble normal for me. It all leaves me wondering what normal is too, but that's a question for another day, I think.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!