Sittingunderthattastefulbunting,Iwastalkingtotwoschool friendsatatablethathadbeenemptiedaspeopleheadedtowards thedancefloor.Iaskedthemwhattheyfeltaboutthisindustriouscelebrationofloveandwasrelievedtofindthattheywereskepticaltoo,thoughoneofthemwaspreparingtogetmarried a few months later and was even (occasioningmoreirritation onmypart)planningtochangehername.Wewereallawarethatthiswasnotwhatwe’dhadinmindwhenwereadVirginiaWoolf and D.H. Lawrence in adolescence, aware that wehad once thought of love as something freer and more radical.

We remembered an evening during the summer of our A levels when the three of us had lain talking and drinkingon thegrassofoneoftheirgardensand,astheskydarkened,each hadconfessed,tothesurpriseoftheothers,thatwewerestill virgins.Wehadallhadboyfriends,butwe’dassumedanold-fashionedcoynessindelayingthemomentofdeflowerment, partlyoutoffearandpartlyoutofareluctancetorelinquish theindependenceofself-sufficiency,thoughI’mnotsurewe couldhavedefineditsocoollyatthetime.Rearedataschool where we’d beentaughtthatgirlscoulddoeverythingandhad noneedofboys,wefeltthattherewouldbeanelementofself-betrayalinvolvedinenteringastatewherewebecamedependentonthedesire,approvalandcompanionshipofmen.

Asthebandbegantoplayintheadjoiningroom,Itold themaboutTheGoldenNotebook;aboutAnnaWulf,wholike uswasinhermid-thirties,andherstruggletoliveashonestlyaspossible.IdescribedwhatIsawasLessing’scentral dilemma,andhowithadhelpedmetoseeinretrospectwhat itwasthatwehadfearedwouldbelostoncewehadsuccumbed to a life of sex withmen.

ThiswasthesecondtimeIhadreadTheGoldenNotebook. IreaditforthefirsttimeasanundergraduateatOxford inthelate1990s,whenitdidnotmakemuchimpression on me. As a cheerfully capable 19-year-old student, I found Lessing’s heroine unnecessarily lugubrious and found thefailureinconnectionthatcharacterizedherrelationships alienating.ThismeantthatIhadbeencuriousratherthan excitedwhenIstarteditagain.AfterLessing’sdeath,friends intheirsixtiesandseventieshadreminiscedtomeaboutwhat Lessinghadmeanttothemintheirtwentiesandthirties.The women had read about their most intimate experiences in printforthefirsttime;themenhaddiscoveredhowwomen talked about men when they were alone together. Thishad intriguedmeenoughtosendmebacktothenovelbutIwas surprisedwhenIfounditimmediatelyenticing.AnnaWulf’s worldhadbecomeeasilyaccessible,despitethegreatdifferences separating her time frommine.

ItseemedthatLessingwasawritertodiscoverinyourthirties;awriterwhowroteaboutthelivesofgrown-upwomen withanhonestyandfullnessIhadnotfoundinanynovelist beforeorsince.ThequestionstroublingAnnawerequestions thattroubledme:howasawritertowritestoriesyoubelieve in while constructing books with a beginning, middle and endthatpeoplewouldactuallywanttoread;howasawoman toreconcileyourneedtobedesiredbymenwithyourwish for sexual equality; how to have the freedom of independencewhilealsoallowingyourselfthefreedomtogooutside yourselfthroughlove;orhow,inLessing’sterms,tobea “free woman” who is alsohappy.

Lessing’snotionofthe “freewoman”isatoncealluring and frightening, because her free women seem doomed to disappointment.Annaobservesthat “everywomanbelieves inherheartthatifamandoesnotsatisfyhershehasaright to go to another. That is her first and strongest thought, regardless of how she might soften it later out of pityor expediency.”Thisisfreedomassexualliberation;thekindof statementthatthenextgenerationoffeministstooktobea signofLessing’scommitmenttoWomen’sLib.ButifAnna ismakingthecaseforsexualpromiscuitythensheismaking itinconsistently,becausesheisuneasilyawarethatinorder tobesatisfiedsheneedstobebothdesiredandlovedbya particularman.

“Lessing placed sexual fulfillment at the center of women’s lives, while at the same time insisting on the urgency of their need to distance themselves from the expectations created by their sexual roles.”

WhatwascompellingherewasthatLessingplacedsexual fulfillmentatthecenterofwomen’slives,whileatthesame timeinsistingontheurgencyoftheirneedtodistancethemselvesfromtheexpectationscreatedbytheirsexualroles. Annainbedisatraditionalcreaturewhoneedstoloseherselfonthetideofmaledesire.Annaoutofbedispassionatelydeterminedthatshecannotbedefinedinrelationto her lover. A similar paradox is present in relation toAnna’s motherhood. There are moments when her daughter Janet is the center of her physical and emotional world,when herwholebodyrespondstothegirl’ssmellandtouch.But thereareothertimeswhenshehastorepudiatethesefeelings becauseshehastohaveamentalandbodilyexistencethatis wholly independent of herchild.

Asignificantelementofmyirritationthatsummerwas frustration that the women I encountered at weddings seemed to define themselves foremost in relation toothers. Theybeganbyidentifyingaspartofacoupleandthenoncea child arrived they identified themselves primarily as mothers. Ioftenhadasensethattheirwholenotionoflifewasnow familylife;thatoncethemarriagehadevolvedtobemore about triangular family love than sexual intimacy, all their need for intensity was fulfilled by their relationships with theirchildren.AndIhalfknewthatImindedthissostrongly becauseIwasessentiallyoneofthem.CertainlyIwouldlook no different to the outsideeye.

Ofcourse,itwasnotthissimple.Manyofuswereprobablysecretlyimaginingsexwithmenotherthanourhusbands,orthinkingaboutwritingorpaintingsomethingthat couldmattertousmorethanourchildren,orwondering howwemightgoaboutchangingtheworld.Butthepoint for me was that mothers with young children wouldrarely expressthis,orwouldonlyrevealitwithguilt,whereinThe Golden Notebook Anna is completely open about theseparationbetweenherlivesasamother,loverandwriter.Thisis inparttheresultofacompartmentalizationthatbothAnna andhercreatorseeasafundamentalproblemoftheirsociety, butIthinkit’smorethatshetakesitforgrantedthatinany momentshemaybeoverwhelmedbyfeelingsforthemanshe isinbedwithorthebooksheiswriting,totheextentthather loveforherdaughterrecedesintothebackground.Similarly, however intense the love or the heartbreak she isexperiencing inrelationtoamanmaybe,sheisabletobecomeanobserver bothofhimandofherselfwhenshesitsdowntowrite,moving fundamentally apart fromhim.

Thisdoesn’tmeanthatIwasreadingTheGoldenNotebook without uncertainty. But it was uncertainty that Anna herselfsharedinthenovel.Itmaymakeusuncomfortableto watchherspendingawholeeveningcookingabreadedveal escalopeforamanwhomsheknowsisabouttoleaveher; whoturnsoutnoteventobeintendingtocometodinner. ButitmakesAnnauncomfortabletoo.Sheisworriedboth thatinseekinghappinessinthiswaysheismakingherself lessfree,andthatifshedoesnotallowherselftolovelikethis shewillnotbeabletoenjoythesexshehasfreedherselffor in the firstplace.

It was because of her inconsistencies, rather than inspite ofthem,thatreadingaboutAnnahadenabledmetoseemy ownworldmoreclearly.Shehadallowedmetoseemyown senseoftheinextricablenatureofbodyandmind,ofthepersonalandthepolitical,asthebasisforthinkingaboutlife. ShewashelpingmetounderstandthequestionsIneededto ask,evenifIwasnoclosertoknowingtheanswers.Andso, as the weddings continued into the autumn, I continued to read Lessing.

Myreading had become more systematic now,andIwantedtowriteabouther.ButIcouldn’tyetimagineintegratingmyreadingofLessingintomylifeasanacademic. Thiswasthekindofurgentreadingthatwasmorecharacteristicofmybook-fueledadolescencethanofmyprofessionallifeandthefeelingsitwasstirringupinmefelt tooillicittobecategorizedaswork.Myidentificationwith herhadanaivetyofakindthatIwoulddiscourageinmy students.

I was convinced that the ingenuous hunger that she was inducinginmeasareaderwasasignofherpower.Itdidn’t matterthatherprosewasunevenandthatIwasonlyoccasionallyseducedbyhersentences.Manyofthemwererough-edged, workaday constructions, perhaps because Lessing like AnnaWulfdistrustedsurfacebeauty.Ifanything,though,the patchinessoftheprosedrewmeinfurther,becauseitmeant thatIhadtorespondpersonallyaswellasaesthetically.It seemstrueofallthemostenduringnovelists,fromTolstoyto GeorgeEliottoLessing,thattheyilluminateourlives,and thatwelivedifferentlyasaresultofreadingthem.Ithad beenseveralyearssinceIhadencounteredanovelistwiththis influence,orperhapssinceI’dallowedmyselftobeshapedby fiction in thisway.

Dr Lara Feigel is a Senior Lecturer in English at King's College London, where her research is centered on the 1930s and the Second World War. She is the author of Literature, Cinema and Politics, 1930-1945 and the editor (with Alexandra Harris) of Modernism on Sea: Art and Culture at the British Seaside and (with John Sutherland) of the New Selected Journals of Stephen Spender. Her most recent book is Free Woman: Life, Liberation and Doris Lessing. She has also written journalistic pieces for various publications, including the Guardian, Prospect and History Today. Lara lives in West Hampstead, London.