Monday, February 28, 2011

I freaking love Pembroke Welsh Corgis.Now in my family, this is considered blasphemy because we have Australian Cattle dogs (Blue/Red Heelers) and a Catahoula/heeler mix.But look at how unbelievably adorable they are!

Seriously. Did your heart not just melt?

But I have to admit, this is pretty cute too [even though I don't think I could trust it]:

[I also want ya'll to know that I still love all of you and I am so sorry I haven't been keeping up with and commenting on any of ya'lls blogs recently. I have been out-of-my-mind busy with school and life in general and I am lucky that I remember to get dressed in the morning before I leave the house. My RSS feed is begging for mercy right now because there are so many unread blog entries on it. But that is one of my goals for this week, to catch up with all of you. So if you get a comment from me on an entry you wrote a month ago, just go with it, okay? Thanks, darlings. :)]xoxoxEstelle

Sunday, February 27, 2011

[Context: My mother is currently in Florida. Due to be home tomorrow. I do not do drugs or condone the use of them. Just had to put that out there because no doubt someone would get their panties in a twist if I didn't say it. Also, don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.]Mom: What are you doing, sunshine?Estelle: Intervenous drugs and unprotected sex with a guy I don't know.Mom: Some homeless person no doubt.Estelle: He's not homeless. He makes great money as a drug dealer.Mom: Oh good. At least he can pay the bills. Haha.Mom: Have I ever apologized for warping you?Estelle: Haha. No.Mom: I do love you. lolEstelle: I love you too. I am online, eating dinner and having some tea.Mom: I just finished a bacon cheeseburger and some milk.Estelle: Yum.Mom: I will make some when I get home.Estelle: Make some what? Intervenous drugs?Mom: YepEstelle: Awesome.

~*~

[Context: Talking with a classmate about the oscars.]

Friend: What would you do if Robert Downey Jr was standing in front of you and talking about anything?

Estelle: I would fuck him.

Friend: omg omg omg I love you.

Friend: Hahaha! Anyone else would have been like "idk" but not you!!! Hahaha.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.Well, my ipod is charging right now, so how about I put iTunes on shuffle?

1. ‘Til I Collapse – Eminem, Nate Dogg [Who would have thought this little white chick would get down to rap when no one was looking?]2. Get Off On The Pain – Gary Allen [Ha! I love it. Rap followed by country. And this is a great song too.]3. Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park [Geez. It has been a while since I have heard this. Reminds me of my teenage years…well, the times I haven’t successfully manage to repress yet.]4. Into the Ocean – Blue October [Okay, this list is actually shaping up to be pretty good. Another one of my favorite songs.]5. Poker Face (Acoustic – Live) – Lady Gaga [♥ Downloaded the video from Youtube and separated the audio into an mp3. Love this song. Despite the possibility that Lady Gaga might be mentally ill, she has an amazing voice.]6. Take Me out – Franz Ferdinand [Wow. It has been a while. This is a great treadmill song if you need some motivation to go for a jog.]7. Wanksta – 50 Cent [Okay. This is actually a little embarrassing. Ha]8. Rude Boy/Last Resort Mashup (Rihanna vs Papa Roach) – DJ Schmolli [I am usually really picky about mashups. Sometimes, all they serve to do is ruin two good songs. But this one is actually really good.]9. Far Away – Nickelback [Not sure if I am more embarrassed by the Nickelback or the 50 Cent.]10. Bronchovesicular Breath Sounds – Medical/Surgical Nursing [Ha. I am such a geek. This is one of the supplemental audios that I had access to from my nursing textbook’s companion site.]11. Not Meant to Be – Theory of a Deadman [One of the best break-up songs ever.]12. She’s My Kind of Rain – Tim McGraw [I have been listening to this song nonstop ever since Callie.Ann posted some of the lyrics as her Facebook status. Thanks for the heads-up on some great music, love.]13. Wasted – Carrie Underwood [Beautiful song. Makes me feel hella guilty every time I drink.]14. Bulletproof – La Roux [zomg. Love La Roux. Androgynous sexiness. The song is great too.]15. Here It Goes Again – Okay Go [Another awesome treadmill song.]16. She’s Country – Jason Aldean [One of the first songs that got me back into country music at the beginning of last year. Reminds me of nights out with the partner-in-crime and getting into trouble with guys from out of town. Haha.]17. Seven Nation Army – White Stripes [♥]18. Science Fiction/Double Feature – Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack [I really don’t think I need to explain why I love this song so much.]19. I Will Follow You Into The Dark – Death Cab For Cutie [If ya’ll are looking for a sweet sad love song, this is it. Cried the first time I heard it.]20. Music is My Hot, Hot Sex – CSS [Yes. This song was on the iPod commercial but it is pretty good.]

Yeah. Now you know why I am just the *tiniest* bit stressed out.Not to mention I am sooooo behind in my two history classes [have to keep over 12 credit hours].But you better believe that next week, after all this exam stuff is over, I will be having a little fun. ;-)

On a totally unrelated note, look what I found:

I think I kind of love it that the first impression people are getting of Word Lust is me telling them to *lighten the fuck up.*

Speaking of "lightening up," I was in lecture today while the teacher was discussing chest tubes and how they are usually attached to low suction. Well, on the tubing there is a valve to stop the flow of fluid. It is called a "stopcock." The professor was demonstrating how it works and she said "This is the stopcop.....cock."And of course, I bust up giggling at the word *cock*. Awesome. [But it's okay. Because my favorite lesbian classmate did to. Glad to know I am not alone.]Sorry to all of ya'll who were convinced that I was a mature adult. I still have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.xoxoxEstelle

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Nursing school has turned me into a cynic [I mean, I was one before I started but now I am even more so]. I get the sentiment of what this girl is trying to do. She is in love and being with that person sends her heart aflutter. That's sweet.Then why is my first thought, "Bitch, that's not what an normal heartbeat is like. If that is what yours is doing, you should get that checked out."

Friday, February 11, 2011

Day 7 – Your Zodiac Sign and if you think it fits your personality.I’m a Taurus. According to all the websites I have read, this is what I have gathered:Strongest virtues of the Taurus zodiac sign: loyalty, endurance, stability, patience[I agree with all of this. I find myself being loyal to family and friends far beyond the point where I should have given. I want to give people a chance to redeem themselves and I like to believe that if I wait around long enough, they’ll end up surprising you.]Deepest need of the Taurus zodiac sign: material ease, comfort[Meh. I wouldn’t say that material possessions are my deepest need. I would like to live a comfortable life but I don’t need a mansion or a Lexus to be happy.]Weaknesses of the Taurus zodiac sign: stubbornness, tendency to be overly possessive and materialistic.[Disagree with the materialistic quality. I was about to say, “No freaking way am I overly possessive!” But then I got to thinking about it. I am more *protective* of the people I love rather than possessive. But I suppose they can be considered one and the same.]

Day 8 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.To be honest, I cannot pinpoint a specific day. I am fairly satisfied with my life most days and have trouble thinking of the *one day* that I realized that. If we are just talking in general terms, I would say that I am most satisfied when I am first waking up in the morning after a full night’s sleep. Smelling the coffee in the kitchen and hearing the birds outside my window and stretching while I am still warm under the covers. I like that. :-)

Day 9 – How you hope your future will be like.Um…didn’t we already cover this in the *Where do you hope to be in 10 years* post?

Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss.No. I would much rather think about a future love that would make me forget about every other person and kiss before him [or her].

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Honestly, I don't know how interesting any of these are but here goes:

1. I listen to songs until I get absolutely sick of hearing them. Seriously. “Getting You Home” by Chris Young has been playing in the background of my life for the past two days and I am not yet ready to turn it off yet. However, I did download a few new contenders today so we will see how long it holds the top spot [I am thinking “Tangled Up” by Billy Currington might overtake it soon.]

2. I am a terrible singer but that doesn’t stop me from turning the music up as loud as it goes [to drown out my voice] and singing my heart out.

3. My brain is 75% song lyrics. A friend recently tested this theory by texting me 1 line from an obscure old country song. When I realized that she wasn’t trying to profess her undying love for me, I was able to tell her the song title and musician.

4. At one time, I considered scrapping the whole English/Biology major thing for a degree in psychology. I wanted to become a sex therapist. No lie.

5. Careers I wanted when I was younger include zoo keeper, field biologist, writer, clarinetist for the Saturday Night Live band, astronaut on the International Space Station, and spy.

6. I have no tattoos but plan to change that within the next year.

7. I have only ever dated brunettes. Never blonds. Never redheads. Not exactly sure why that is.

8. Even though I have been known to throw back Crown Royal, my favorite drink is the margarita. Top shelf. One the rocks. Salt on the rim.

9. Before I took my Maternal-Child Nursing class, I was terrified of pregnant woman. Not even joking. They freaked me out…mostly because I was scared they would just pop at any moment and the baby that would be born wouldn’t actually be a baby but an alien. Now I am [mostly] sure that won’t happen.

10. When I am really angry, I cry.

11. I won’t drink straight from a can. I have to have a straw or pour the drink in a glass. I do this because I like to see what I am drinking.

12. I had a thing for Finnish rock/metal bands when I was a teenager. [Still hot for Ville Valo of HIM]

13. The only languages I speak fluently are English and sarcasm. But I know a tiny bit of Spanish and French.

14. I have turned down three marriage proposals. One was from my younger brother’s friend and he used the words *sugar momma*, one was from a drunk guy at a bar after my partner-in-crime and I smoked his ass in pool, and the third was from a gay guy when he found out we liked the same music and the same alcohol.

15. The gay guy who proposed said, “You know what, honey? I don’t even care that you have a vagina. We’ll go to [name of local sex toy shop] and buy you a strap-on.”

16. I plan on skipping Day 10. Funny how I don’t have a problem talking about doing drugs or suicide but the thought of talking about my first kiss or falling in love terrifies the hell out of me.

17. I only knew one of my grandparents. The other 3 passed away before I was born or before Icould remember. This kind of bothers me because I feel as if I missed out on a huge part of life that everyone else gets to experience.

18. Without my glasses [yes, I wear glasses and I rock those spectacles], I am blind. Literally. My vision is 20/400 [normal vision is 20/20]. That means that when I am 20 feet away from something and I am not wearing my glasses, I see it as if I were 400 feet away.

19. The only time the glasses ever bother me is when it is raining or they fog up [like when I go outside in the summer in 100 degree heat with 100% humidity…or when I am making out with someone].

20. I need music and coffee to start my day. Without those two things, I am basically a zombie…without the brain cravings.

21. I used to have serious body-image issues. Now I embrace my large ass and my big boobs.

22. A psychic once told me that I *have the gift* and that if I *opened my mind to the possibilities,* I could developed it to its fullest. Some days I wonder about it but I rather not know exactly what the future holds.

23. For me to be able to sleep restfully, I need the fan on full-blast [or as my mom refers to it“like you are trying to airlift troops out of Vietnam”], wearing as little clothing as possible with lots of blankets and pillows.

24. I believe that you can be *soul mates* with someone without being romatically involved with them.

25. Large dogs never scared me until I had an encounter with a 150lbs Rottweiler a few weeks ago. He was friendly at first but after I went upstairs, he forgot he ever met me. After a few hours, I walked out on the balcony in the chick’s living room and the dog [who took up the WHOLE couch] started snarling and barking at me from 20 feet below.

26. I talk in my sleep.

27. Favorite snack = Hummus with sliced cucumbers and pita bread.

28. I love Lebanese food. And it is surprising how many good Lebanese restaurants there are in my town. [Lebanese Ice tea = ♥ Best thing ever ♥]

29. I feel like a total fraud when I realize I only have a few short months before I become an RN. I don’t feel ready at all.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

I don’t want to write about this. And until about an hour ago, I said I was skipping it all together. Just don’t mention it. No one would notice. Right?

But then a little voice in the back of my mind [the one that tells me to leave the house ten minutes early or to not take a particular path when on a walking trail] told me “You have to tell this story. Someone might need to hear it.” I have been trying to listen to this voice more often because whoever it is, she seems so much smarter than me.

So, here I am. But as I said in the beginning, I reserve the right to modify these topics as I see fit. The story itself, I refuse to go into. In therapy, it is referred to as a *trigger* and while I like to think I have come a very long way since then, it causes the emotions I have yet to deal with to come rushing back to the surface. And I really just can’t cope with that right now.[Side note: This is why I really didn't like my mental health nursing class.]

Long story short: Yes. I have thought about suicide. Many times.

When I was a teenager [a mere 3 years ago], I was a cutter [that is why you will never see me in shorts]. It always happened late at night right before I fell asleep. I hated those moments…as I was lying in bed trying to will my noisy mind into a peaceful slumber. Every mistake, every word that I should or shouldn’t have said, every moment that made me hate who I was would charge through my head like a herd of runaway horses.

I didn’t talk to people about it because I felt like no one could ever understand. I mean, how could anyone sympathize with me when they realized that I thought I needed to do this? I needed to hurt myself. The desire to feel the cut, see the thin trail of blood left behind in the razor’s wake, and then feel this sick sense of relief. It was therapeutic….soothing. I did it for different reasons. Sometimes, it was so I wouldn’t feel numb...I wanted to feel something. Even if it was pain. And at other times, it was because I felt like I deserved it.

No one deserves that.

This time in my life was nothing short of hell. I was so far from perfect but then again, no one is. There were days when I didn’t get out of bed because I didn’t want to live anymore. And at times, I felt beyond broken. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so that the chaos I felt swirling in my head was apparent to everyone on the outside looking in. Cutting never solved any of this. All it did was leave scars that I think of a battle wounds.

I think that it take more bravery to find out who you are beyond all the chaos and trauma you have experienced, rather than to merely survive it. People hurt and times are difficult. We are given the life we are given because we are strong enough to live it. We may break and we may fall apart..but we are also tough and we mend. We are who we are but that isn’t all we will ever be.

There are far better things ahead than anything we left behind, darlings.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Hello my darlings. :)Have you ever woken up one morning thinking, "Hey, am I Estelle, student nurse?"Yes?You might be crazy.But here are a few ways to check and see if you have indeed turned into me. ;)

You have developed a thing for guys wearing scrubs...like to the point of being distracted by the orderlies and male nurses during report. [My patient's calcium level was what? I was too busy staring at that guy's ass to listen.]

When asked by a patient if you have done a procedure before, you say, “Oh, once or twice” with a wink. When in fact, you have only once this procedure once or twice…in a practice lab….on a SIM Man...who asked you to stop.

You carry no less than 3 pen lights with you at all time.

You learned during your pediatric rotation that lots of boo-boos can be fixed with a neon band-aid and a lollipop.

Your preferred method of waking drunk, passed-out friends is with a sternal rub. Because sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

You manage to still look foxy after a 6 hour study group and 3 hours of sleep.

You get more excited over giving blood products than a vampire.

You scream at the TV every time you see a hospital bed with the side rails down.

You have had nightmares about Accu-checks before.

You have ever used the terms *related to* [not talking about family] and *as evidenced by* in an everyday conversation.

You have talked about necrotic tissue while at the dinner table.

You have been banned from talking about work or school at the dinner table.

You write a careplan for yourself and your classmates. The first diagnosis is “Self-care deficit r/t being nursing student.” The second is “Anticipatory grieving r/t impending final exams as evidenced by crying fits in December and May.”

You have gotten closer to your classmates than you are to your family…just because you see them more often.

You try to convince your friends to go into nursing [because it is a good career choice].

You try to convince your enemies to go into nursing [because you want to see them cry].

The first time you hung an IV piggyback, you thought it was the coolest thing in the whole world.

Prepping IV tubing makes your whole clinical day.

Your classmates did a presentation on STDs and made everyone put a condom on a banana [middle school sex-ed style].

The most hilarious lecture you have ever been to was on male reproductive problems when you heard your ultraconversative med-surg teacher talk about penis pumps and cock rings as interventions for erectile dysfunction.

You refer to your piercer or tattoo artist’s work area as a *sterile field*.

You have used restraints…and not just in a sexual way [but mostly in a sexual way].

You catch yourself staring at strangers’ veins in the mall.

You have at some point said, “Oh oh! Let me do it! Let me put in the Foley catheter!”

You think you might have every disease you study while in school [zomg. Prostate cancer!]

You tease you classmates for *forgetting* to take their stethoscopes from around their necks before leaving the nursing practice lab…until you catch yourself doing it.

You have successfully managed to replace sleep with coffee and Red Bull.

You are on a first name basis with all the librarians at your college and can draw a map of where the nursing textbooks are located in the stacks.

Your Christmas wish list included two different NCLEX prep books.

You have had a professor explain to you that *even though you picked the right answer on an exam, you didn’t pick the RIGHT answer*.

Your first semester, you outlines a chapter in the textbook and it was 30 pages long…4 more than the actual chapter.

Your mild case of spinal column kyphosis from hunching over a study table in the library is balanced out by the lordosis from carrying a 50lbs bookbag.

You have taken bets over a patient’s blood sugar during clinical. Loser buys coffee for the group.

You have pointed out a TV character’s bad technique while they are giving CPR [oh, Congrats, House. You just broke your patient’s xiphoid process.]

You refer to the St Patrick ’s Day pinching of people not wearing green as “assessing skin turgor”.

You have cried in front of and seen most of your classmates cry [men and women].

You have gotten out of a speeding ticket by batting your eyelashes and saying “But officer, I’m a nursing student and I am late for lecture!” ;)

Your classmates have a panic attack over the having to write an *APA format* paper and come running to you because they know you can do that crap in your sleep.

You brought a laptop into Hooters so you could write a paper on on alcohol abuse for your mental health nursing class while you drank beer.

When asked to describe a lung xray you tell your instructor, “Bilateral….fluffy…white shadows….BUNNIES! He has bunnies in his lungs!” [Bonus points if your professor answers "No, Estelle. Those are tumors. Good guess though."]

[Please forgive the ridiculous and completely unhelpful nature of this post. I am sleep deprived and this is the crap my mind comes up with.]xoxoxEstelle

Saturday, February 05, 2011

So, remind me again why I agreed to this challenge again? Because these next two topics I really don't care for.Okay. Here goes.

Day 4: Your Views On Religion

To put it short and sweet, I am a recovering pastor's kid. To be more specific, a former marine/Southern Baptist pastor's kid. [Yeah. I know. As my classmate and clinical buddy Matt says, "Wow. That explains A LOT."]

Don't worry about me though. I am mostly cured. Mostly.

I believe in fate. In guardian angels and that there may be a higher power governing most of what is going on in my life and the world around me. There have been too many coincidences for me to believe that it is all random and by chance. The people I have met and the experiences that have made me the person I am today didn't *just happen*. I like to think that there is something more out there than just a series of unfortunate events.

But I don't think I need rules engraved on a stone tablet to tell me how to lead my life and to be a good person. And while I don't mind discussing what I believe with other people, I refuse to get into a religious debate with you about who's beliefs are more superiors [here's a clue: no one's].

*It's just Me* included a lovely little quote on the topic that think fits the subject rather well:

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Okay ya'll.Do you remember me telling you that the whole point of me starting to write *Estelle's Guide to Nursing School* was because I couldn't find anything like it when I first started nursing school?Well why is it that when I am almost at the end of my program I suddenly find a treasure trove of information?My lovely nursing students, I have the pleasure of introducing Stethoscopes and Scrubs.Seriously, why didn't I find this chick back when I first freaking started? Would have saved me tons of time and energy because her blog is full of all kinds of awesome tips and tricks for surviving and keeping what is left of your sanity intact while you are in school.[Oh and can I just say how much I love that you are a fellow LA girl? glee. :)]My favorite posts of hers? Oh, I'm glad you asked.

So here is your mission, my darlings. Head on over to Stethoscopes and Scrubs.Browse. Read. Say hello. Tell her Estelle sent you. ;) Maybe if her she gets more followers, she will impart more of her vast wisdom on us. :)

xoxoxEstelle

Postscript: And sometime soon, you can expect to be seeing a guest post from yours truly on her blog. Fun. :)

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Okay. So another touchy subject for me. And it probably doesn’t help that I kind of have a slight buzz going right now from a little post-exam celebration. ;)

Alcohol: I don’t see anything wrong with having a few glasses of wine or a couple of shots with some friends to celebrate surviving a along week of school or work [or the first exam of the semester…even if it is at 3pm on a Tuesday]. Generally, I am pretty good at knowing my limits and staying within them but I have been known to go too far and have a little too much fun.As much as I hate to say it, I have blacked out [not *pass out*…just NO recollection of the events that took place] from drinking before. It happened twice and both times it was freaking scary the next day for me trying to scramble and piece together the events from the previous evening. Trust me; it is no fun playing “Guess where the bruise came from”. [Oh that reminds me. DON’T DRINK AFTER DONATING BLOOD. It is a horrible idea because 1 beer will get you wasted. 3 shots of Crown Royal will fuck your world up.] Thank God, nothing too tragic has happened.But the one thing I freaking cannot stand is when people drink and can’t control themselves. I am not a damn babysitter and if you can’t hold your liquor or if you drink and turn into a raging douchebag, please, do me a favor and just leave me alone. You know why they invited the word *buzzkill*? Because you suck and you are killing my buzz.

Illicit drugs: Okay. I have smoked marijuana before. I won’t lie to ya’ll. I inhaled and it was great. I am all for legalization because I know how well it works for anxiety and depression…not to mention the benefits for cancer and AIDS patients. I haven’t smoked it in about two years because it IS illegal after all and I know the consequences if I were to do it and get caught. It just isn’t worth it for me to blow all my plans.*Moderation.* I think that is the key and so many people forget that. That is where addiction comes into play and it is just so sad to see lives thrown away and families destroyed by someone chasing a high.But it is like Frank Sinatra says; I am for whatever gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I think my feelings about drugs and alcohol can be summed up like this: You are an adult. Act like one. Take care of your business first and then if your idea of fun isn’t hurting anyone else or putting anyone else at risk, go for it. Don’t drink and drive. And don’t smoke pot and Facebook [because the crap you post when you do that really isn’t as funny as you think it is].