tired

18122007

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Last night, I was grumpy. Jake was driving me crazy with his ,”Hey, mom!” and “Mom, look!” a kajillion times. I am usually very patient. I kept returning his pleas for attention with a snippy, “WHAT!” I felt bad. And then I was trying to figure out what was wrong? Why am I so irritable?

Then I looked at my calendar. I haven’t had a day off sense December 3rd. And I only had that day off because Jake was sick. Ugh. Next year, I will….slow….down. I have to.

It will get better. I think I do a pretty good job balancing motherhood, work, and then everything else, which includes trying to have a social life, family, exercising(ha!) and sleeping(double ha!). Jake and working 2 jobs takes up a majority of my time, obviously. The small sliver of time that is left, I really have to be careful with. And lately, that time has been nearly non-existent. I’m sure it will take some creativity, but I will get it figured out.

I have also been wanting to go to church lately. I have gone to three churches regularly in the past and I want to start going back to my favorite. Yet, I am embarrassed. It may seem silly, but I feel judged. I know it is just in my head, that it really wouldn’t matter one way or the other whether I showed up or not. But I felt judged when I was a single mom and now being divorced…I don’t know. I know how my life looks from the outside. It is not a pretty picture. I need to look at the situation for what it is: I am wanting to add a necessary component to Jake’s and my life. There is some opposing force trying to convince me otherwise. So, all the more reason to make time to go. Not let it be an option and make it a regular part of our week. Like going to school or work.

I’m tired and rambling and it probably doesn’t even make sense. But there it is. That is where my heart is today. Asleep in a stinky shoe.