E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with UNSUBSCRIBE in the body of your message. If you are using multiple or forwarded e-mail addresses, please specify the e-mail address which you originally used when subscribing, otherwise we may not be able to remove you from the mailing list.

(b) Which product does he get conned into using to cure these afflictions, only to end up with it splattering in his face?

(c) Which episode is this quote from?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "South Africa"

(d) What is the sign on the door of the South African Tourist Office?

(e) Why is Graeme suspected by the South African officers of being black?

(f) Why are the jockeys in South Africa only entitled to half a vote?

(g) Which two showbiz acts had been banned under the new apart-height regulations?

(h) What is the name of Tim and Graeme's jockey servant at their ranch?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

2. SPOTTED!!!

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

LET'S BOUNCE FOR BRITAIN

(by Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - September 23rd and October 7th)

BBC Radio Wales will be airing a show called "Space Hoppers, Tank Tops and Me" in which "Huw Williams presents a series about the 70s, the decade that taste forgot. This edition recalls the Goodies and Bob Harris's Old Grey Whistle Test."

The show will air on: Sunday 5th October from 12:31 to 12:59 and again on Monday 6th October from 18:32 to 19:00. BBC Radio Wales is available on-line at http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/radiowales/

On the same page they have a competition to win your very own space hopper (although they don't say if you get a sparklypegs toothpaste costume to wear while riding it ;)

GOODIES DVD SELLING LIKE STRING!

(by Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - September 24th)

The Goodies DVD is on ABC shop web site, as a featured (front page) product (Flash animation) http://shop.abc.net.au/

And it's listed as their number 1 best seller.

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

BILL SPOTTINGS

* While browsing through Heat magazine today, killing time and trying to warm up in Smiths on the way to work, I found a small picture of Bill Oddie. The caption read something along the lines of "the most bizarre sighting this week was of Bill Oddie walking around North London with a small plastic deer under one arm. There's no joke coming up, we just love the picture to death. Oh well, Oddie by name ... " And the picture is exactly as described.

(Vicky Booker - Goodies-l - September 29th)

* The episode of "The Detectives" in which Bill Oddie appears (entitled "Bird in the Hand") is scheduled to be repeated in the UK several times next week. The exact dates/times are:

* Information is still dribbling in about Bill's new series called "History Hunters". Following are brief programme listings for the episodes scheduled for Monday, 13th October through Friday, 17th October

Bill Oddie's History Hunters

Monday 13th October on BBC 1

10:00 to 11:00

Torquay.

Bill Oddie conducts a historical tour of Torquay explaining how it rose to prominence as a Victorian seaside resort.

Tuesday 14th October on BBC 1

10:00 to 11:00

London.

Tessa Dunlop takes a family of historical sleuths on a hunt to establish one of London's most infamous figures while Bill Oddie explores the history of London's theatre district and the diet, clothes and make-up of the seventeenth century.

Wednesday 15th October on BBC 1

10:00 to 11:00

Bristol.

While Tessa Dunlop helps a family of would-be historians track down one of Bristol's most celebrated figures, Bill Oddie gives a guided tour of Bristol's roots in seafaring and slavery.

Thursday 16th October on BBC 1

10:00 to 11:00

Birmingham.

Tessa Dunlop and the guest family endeavour to trace one of Birmingham's most renowned figures, while Bill Oddie explores how his home city got so big in the first place.

Friday 17th October on BBC 1

10:00 to 11:00

Cheltenham.

Tessa Dunlop and a guest family try to establish the identity of one of Cheltenham's most celebrated figures, while Bill Oddie looks at the history of the spa town and its public schools, and how rock 'n' roll scandalised the Regency town in the 60s.

I did a Google search on Bill Oddie & Tessa Dunlop and found the following BBC Press Release from 21st May

Presented by Bill Oddie and Tessa Dunlop, History Hunters is a brand new BBC Daytime game show in which teams turn detective in the UK's cities and towns to investigate a celebrity son or daughter. As well as guessing the identity of the famous person, they must also answer general questions on history. There are written clues and sometimes even a blood relation to help them on the way. It isn't all plain sailing though, because there are also red herrings and other famous people to throw the hunters off the scent.

Bill drops in from time to time to check their progress, question decisions and plant seeds of doubt and, when he's not on the team, he is off revealing social history insights on the person and the place.

The winning team receive a British Ancestral Research Personal Family Tree.

History Hunters is made by BBC Bristol.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 3rd)

* According to the www.billoddie.net website, there is a full page feature on Bill in the new issue of TV Times (dated 11-17 October 2003).

To quote the news posting from the Bill Oddie site, "Ostensibly promoting History Hunt, [the article] actually spends more time talking about his birding, his eating habits and his musical interests."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 8th)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* Graeme is going to present a new Radio 4 quiz game 'Beat the Kids' after what must have been a successful pilot.

We need to know your name, address, daytime telephone number, how many tickets you require and the age range of those wishing to attend.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - September 23rd)

TIM SPOTTINGS

* Just got the "Doctor Who at the BBC" CD, which includes various bits of radio programmes and interviews about the show. There are also some send-ups, including Tim (and Barry Cryer) in a 1973 Hello Cheeky sketch about "Doctor Who and the Bores". (Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l - September 25th)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* The following is an excerpt from BBC7's newsletter dated 19 September 2003

From: owner-bbc7@lists.bbc.co.uk [mailto:owner-bbc7@lists.bbc.co.uk]

Sent: Friday, September 19, 2003 11:09 AM

To: bbc7@lists.bbc.co.uk

Subject: bbc7 newsletter 19 September 2003

Last night I was at a very special Awards Ceremony, at the Dorchester Hotel, the Spoken Word Awards, and was privileged to be at the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue team table. The programme had been nominated for best comedy audio, and there was keen competition from amongst others, Peter Kay and Tony Hawkes.

I am very pleased to say that "Clue" (as abbreviated by us at BBC 7) won the Gold Award for a BBC Radio Collection cassette which included the very first programme. You will be able to hear this programme in our Christmas schedule.

It was very much their night, as the team also won the Radio Times Readers Award, and it was a joy to see them collecting the awards, headed by both the first producer of the series, David Hatch, and the current producer, Jon Naismith.

There will be an opportunity to win a boxed set of Clue before Christmas.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - September 19th)

* I'm forwarding this message, which was sent to the ISIHAC Announcements list by Mike:

"I have learnt that some of the ISIHAC regulars are to appear as part of a benefit show for the Roy Kinnear Charitable Foundation on Sunday 26th October. Humph, Graeme, Barry, Sandi, and Colin will be appearing in a 20 minute slot. Also performing on the night will be Judi Dench, Ian McKellan, Ned Sherrin, David Frost, Ross Noble, Sheila Hancock, Frances de la Tour, Carl Davis, Jean Boht and Richard O'Brien with others expected to join the line up.

The benefit is being held at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket, London. I have no idea if tickets are still available but I understand you should be able book them on 0870 901 2256, or at the theatre.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 1st)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

(by Brett Allender)

THE GOODIES – ALMOST LIVE

Series 6, Episode 7

First screened: 2nd November 1976

PLOT

A concert which features many of The Goodies' best known songs:

* 'Please Let Us Play'

- Bill and Tim want to perform their music (despite having terrible voices and not being able to play anything), but Graeme urges the audience not to let them play. Eventually with Bill on guitar and fiddle and the others on brass, they become rock and roll stars in snazzy red sequined tops and blue pants (with Graeme sporting Dame Edna Everage sunglasses) and the audience finally allows them to play, as Tim hits his hot triangle as a finale.

* 'Good Ole Country Music'

- Cowboy Graeme can't stand listening to The Beatles or Bing Crosby, but loves to hear the DOOOOWN home country SOOOOUND of a coyote howling to an off-pitch slide guitar, backed by Bill who sings harmonies and makes silly noises like a chicken being flattened by a train.

* 'Cactus In My Y-Fronts'

- With a call of "Fiddler, have you got your bow?!" (and the fiddler sporting a lovely big bow in his hair!), the pink-clad Midnight Cowperson (Two Gun Pierre) relates the sad tale of his loser status with guys, gals and horses alike after a much-needed leak at Cripple Creek leaves him with a "prickly pear" in the pants.

* 'Poor Old Soul'

- The Goodies (dressed in sensational pink tuxedos with blue lacy shirts and black bow ties) request various funky dances with backing from two soul singers. These dances include the funky chicken, slimy toad, loony moth, festering ferret, disgusting three toed sloth, belligerent bee, incontinent elephant and dead dog, and are acted out by the funky dancing trio of Pan's Grannies (the Goodies dressed as pepperpots), who make a spectacle of themselves in their old coats, flowing shawls and gigantic applecatcher knickers!

* 'Funky Gibbon'

- Despite being dismissed as "juvenile" and "rotten" by the backing singers, a chant of "C'mon everybody, it's gibbon time!" is enough to get the audience to bop along as the Goodies (dressed in those amazing coloured overalls with the big 'G' on the front) perform their best known song, 'gibbon' a bit of help from footage of other primates going ape as well.

* 'Sick Man Blues'

- Filmed in sepia vision with backing footage of cotton pickers and river boats, Tim and Bill sing the blues about all of the weird and wonderful people and places that they have spewed up on ("I've thrown up in California, thrown up in Timbuktu. Now come on over here baby and I'll throw up all over you!"), as Graeme considerately hands out barf bags to members of the audience.

* 'The Inbetweenies'

- A lament that the Goodies are trapped in the 'generation gap' between screaming teenagers and old time rockers, as they remove their red capes to reveal Tim and Graeme being half clad in business suits and then turn side on to show themselves half clad in sequined rock gear.

- Using hand puppets and in white suits and brown shirts with enormously wide collars, the Goodies tell of their first romance at kindergarten which turns out to be just a case of "nappy love" (which concludes with an impossibly high-pitched note from Bill which sounds like he has accidentally stuck a nappy pin into his own nether regions!)

* 'Bounce'

- Following on from getting the whole of Britain bouncing in the 'Goodies Rule - OK' special, the lads in their Union Jack waistcoats leap madly around at the microphone while the audience bounces balloons and an old man and his dog "do the bounce" in time as well.

* 'Last Chance Dance'

- It's the very last dance of the evening and a dishevelled Bill offers Tim all sorts of helpful instructions on how to find a dance partner, while Graeme has to cool his baton off after he has feverishly conducted the band. Tim eventually gets his girl, but is somewhat upstaged by footage of a regal duo who perform a last chance dance of their own!

* 'Wild Thing'

- Three pinstripe-suited businessmen hum a tune while they wait for their bus, but soon transform into screaming rock 'n rollers who deliver a truly memorable rendition, with Graeme's menacing "grrr"'s , Tim's walk to the audience (and subsequent squeezing of a fan) and Bill's final plaintive wail, which eventually ends to slow applause from a scruffy cleaning lady in the deserted concert hall.

'The Goodies Theme'

- The Goodies then reappear to perform their theme song while the credits are being rolled, with many of the musicians and singers being featured as well.

* Graeme in his cowboy gear singing monotonously away, apart from the increasingly frequent wails about HOOOOW he loves that good ole country SOOOOUND, with Bill singing an equally monotonous backing harmony from a music sheet with just one note written on it.

* The utterly hornswaggling performance by the Midnight Cowperson singing of the fearful fate of copping a cactus in the crotch, which is covered in more detail in other sections of the review.

* The 'Poor Old Soul' dance, as the resplendently attired Goodies perform all sorts of funky dances with the show stopping help of the delectable Pans Grannies!

* Tim following Bill's 'Last Chance Dance' instructions to the letter, especially holding his date near, letting his hand slip down slowly (much to her reluctance), shoving his nose in her ear and then asking "I suppose it's out of the question?!", with Graeme going berserk conducting the band in the mean time.

* The incomparable rendition of 'Wild Thing', especially Tim taking the long walk to the audience and embarrassing the hell out of one lovely young lady by holding her tight and Bill's huge wail, followed by lukewarm applause from the cleaning lady, who is the only person left in the audience. Friends and relatives who wouldn't know a Goody from a Gumby have agreed that it's the best cover they've ever heard, so that's high praise indeed!

Not rated highly by some fans (perhaps because it reminds them of the sort of gear they used to wear in the '70's themselves!) , but in my view it's the ideal showcase of The Goodies' unique brand of comedy pop music. Short, snappy renditions, well chosen video clips, memorably daggy 70's costumes (which were in turn outdone by the height of fashion displayed by many of the enthusiastic groupies in the audience) and the only source of some of their best musical moments like Poor Old Soul and the ripping version of Wild Thing towards the end (as their CD contains the version from the Goodies Rule - OK special) make it one to remember.

On an episode of the Goodies television series our heroes became art thieves in an oddball attempt to actually help the National Gallery retain a classic painting. In this Cor!! comic outing the tables are turned as the Goodies are hired to guard some valuable paintings from art thieves. It's a safe bet that Monarch of the Glen is not one of the paintings they are transporting.

Header: THE GOODIES MAKE AN EXHIBITION OF THEMSELVES TRYING TO SAVE SOME PICTURES!

An artist enters The Goodies office with several paintings tucked under his arms. Bill examines one with a magnifying glass as Tim scowls from behind a copy of Cor!! and Graeme stands in front of the desk.

ARTIST: Get these valuable paintings of mine to the gallery, Goodies! A gang of rival artists are out to steal them so that they can have *their* work exhibited instead!

GRAEME: We'll give them the brush-off, sir!

The Goodies mount their trandem, leaving Bill to hold all of the paintings on the back seat.

TIM: Keep your eyes open for an ambush!

BILL: 'ambush? Since when has food been growing on trees?

Suddenly a group of artists appear (obviously artists since they are all wearing berets, smocks and are carrying paint pallets). One squirts a tube of paint at the Goodies as they pass.

BAD ARTIST #1: They've got the paintings! *After them!*

TIM: That must be the gang of rival artists!

The Goodies race into an alley then smash into a crate at the back of it (sending a black and white cat flying).

TIM: Quick, take off your braces! I've an idea how we can fool them!

BAD ARTISTS (off panel): They've disappeared!

The Goodies remove their suspenders as Tim begins writing words on the back of the canvasses. Bill holds his pants up with one hand.

BILL: Ooer! I've a feeling this idea is going to be a 'let down'!

TIM: Ssh! I'm writing slogans on the plain backs of the pictures!

The Goodies emerge from the alleyway wearing the canvasses like sandwich boards, each with one in front and one in the back held up by the suspenders. On the boards are faux advertisements such as DINE AT FRED'S NOSHERAMA and READ COR!! The artists stand reading the adverts and looking confused.

BAD ARTIST #2: Come on, try this way!

TIM (whispering): They think the pictures are sandwich boards - you must admit it was a real 'artful' idea!

GRAEME: Let's get on our way!

It begins to rain as the Goodies walk down the street. They hold the paintings over their heads to protect themselves from the downfall as they approach a construction site.

GRAEME: At least these pictures are useful for *something* - keeping off the rain!

TIM: And we'll soon by home and dry - I think we've given those artists the slip!

But the artists are coming down the street behind them, shouting. The Goodies, who are around the corner, hear them approaching.

BAD ARTIST #2: They can't have got far!

TIM: Oh-oh, sounds like they're after us again!

BILL: It's alright - I've had a brainwave!

Tim and Graeme are confused as Bill instructs them to form a box around themselves with the paintings while he dumps a bucket of dry cement on his head.

BILL: Hold the paintings in a square and hide inside them while I pour this cement powder over myself!

TIM: Eh? Bill must have flipped.

GRAEME: Let's do as he says - what have we got to lose?

The artists come around the corner where Bill is now standing on top of the makeshift "box", posing as a statue with the cement covering him. The artists are befuddled.

ARTIST #2: We'll take a short cut to the art gallery and lay in wait for them!

BILL (thinking): Ooer! That will *pose* another problem!

GRAEME or TIM: Hope they soon go - I'm cramped in here!

When the artists have left, Graeme and Tim gather the paintings and started to leave the alley. Bill is lying on the ground in the position he had been posing in.

GRAEME: Come on! I'll think of *some way* of getting past them!

BILL: Hey, don't leave me here! *The rain has set the cement!*

As the Goodies approach the final corner to the art gallery, they pass an abandoned building. Graeme and Tim are carrying the still hardened Bill on their shoulders.

TIM: The art gallery is just round the corner - but that gang will be waiting for us!

GRAEME: Into this building. I know how to dodge them!

Using some tools they find in the building, Graeme works on connecting the canvasses with planks of wood while Tim works to chip Bill out of his cement encasement.

GRAEME: I'll turn the paintings into wings by nailing the frames together!

TIM: I might as well chip Bill out!

Graeme climbs a ladder to the roof with the newly formed "wings" attached to his arms using Tim and Bill's braces as they watch on (holding onto their pants again).

GRAEME: Upon the roof - it's going to be 'plain sailing' now!

BILL: Huh, wasn't worth putting my braces back on!

Graeme launches himself off the roof and toward the art gallery as Tim and Bill watch (their pants now down around their ankles).

BILL: Graeme's really un*flap*pable at times!

Graeme crashes through the glass roof of the art gallery as the artists scream and shout on the street far below.

BILL: He's made it! He sure proved too fly for that mob!

TIM: We should get a nice reward for this job!

And indeed the artist enters the Goodies office carrying three Picasso-esque (and very ugly) paintings of the Goodies, which Tim, Bill and Graeme recoil from.

ARTIST: Well done, Goodies! I've painted these pictures of you as a gift!

TIM: That's us?

Finally the Goodies, dressed as artists, are seen standing on a street with other struggling artists who are trying to sell their paintings, only they're trying to get rid of the paintings of themselves. A sign on their stall reads "Paintings for Pinching - PLEASE TAKE 'EM!!!"

The Cor-ments section of this issue includes a photo of The Goodies upon their trandem which is accompanied by the caption: THE GOODIES ARE RIDING HIGH!

This letter from a fan follows:

"I think The Goodies are *great* so please, *please*, PLEASE print a picture of them in Cor!! News!

KATHRYN ASHTON, MARKET HAYBOROUGH."

Cor!! responds this way:

"Your wish is our command, Kathryn, so here's a snap of Bill, Graeme and Tim enjoying a spin on their crazybike. You can follow their zany adventures every week in COR!! - Ed."

RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):

III - Goody goody yum yum.

This particular comic adventure is a real mixed blessing. Artistically speaking it's very rich and the situations which are represented are quite imaginative and fun. Unfortunately the dialogue isn't always up to par, often used to simply describe what is happening visually. Some panels contain no jokes at all, while others contain jokes which are almost unbearable (in particular the 'ambush joke, which is pretty weak by any standards).

What *is* fun about this comic are the background details, which are numerous and clever. In the same panel as the aforementioned terrible pun is a funny gag where a painter is standing in front of a field of bulls painting a can of corned beef. An unappreciative bull is charging the unwary artist. The black and white cat which has made several appearances in previous Goodies Cor!! comics makes several here as well. Not only is he in the alley when the Goodies crash into a crate, but he's in the Goodies apartment with a question mark above his head when the artist brings them their portraits, and he also reacts violently to the paintings in the final panel.

Graeme's sandwich board, just barely visible behind the others, reads "The End of the World." An office around the corner from the construction site is a domestic agency headed by the name "Hiram Cheep." The construction zone contains some subtle jokes . . . the Men at Work sign shows a man leaning against a shovel and sleeping. A sign on a doorway reads "Liam Regis Irish Sweep" and is a chimney sweep shop. One of the paintings they are delivering is of a can of Brown Windsor Soup. The sign on the door of the abandoned building reads "FOR SALE - This desirous condemned warehouse - 900,000 pounds inc. VAT. & dry rot." A couple of mice go running as Tim starts to chip Bill out of the cement. Graeme scares away a couple of birds as he takes off from the roof. And the artist with the booth next to the Goodies in the last panel has the words "Struggling Genius" above his paintings and asking prices such as 4,000, 2,500 and 10,000 pounds for his artwork. All in all this comic balances out to be a fun and creative outing, certainly worth of a good rating.

To view these strips online, you can visit this page: http://members.aol.com/corcomics

We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues for latecomers.

For fan artwork of the Goodies, some of which was inspired by the Cor!! comics, visit the Goodies Art Pages at http://members.aol.com/goodiesfan

6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(a) Bill Oddie

(b) Smootho Mix

(c) Chubby Chumps

(d) "Through door and turn white"

(e) Because of his fuzzy hair ("I just washed it!")

(f) Because they're only half the size of regular citizens

(g) Snow White & The Seven Dwarves and Ronnie Corbett

(h) Lester

YOUR SCORE:

8 Goodies fan supreme

7 Mastermind of the year

5-6 Clever clogs

3-4 Reasonably Goodie

1-2 Thick as old boots

0 Rolf Harris!

NEXT C&G EDITION: #95: 12th November 2003.

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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2003. All rights reserved.

Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.

For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.

For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>

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