Free

There comes a day in every relationship, that will define future of its existence. One of you will begin to wonder if this is how you envisioned your life. You will consider the past and speculate about the future and quite possibly after much time and consideration, your heart will whisper….no. You will sit alone in perfect silence and begin to ponder a life without your current lover and because it is easier to not think so hard about something so painful, you will shake your head and try to push aside those notions. As time passes you rationalize the opinion that that while things weren’t perfect, they could be worse. This logic will suffice for the moment and you will carry on, ignoring the growing feeling of trepidation which looms in the recesses of your mind. Alone, you defend and validate your shrinking list of reasons to stay, yet your mind questions this whole process of justification.
And then it happens. Serendipity steps in. Call it fate, chance or kismet, the definition is irrelevant. What matters is the fact that something much bigger than your fear, conscience or self-imposed virtue takes over and for some unexplained reason you let it.
The meeting occurred quite by chance. The conversation was effortless, spontaneous and easy. The spark was unexpected… delightful, refreshing and instantly they both knew that destiny was at work and that the future of this wonderful connection would be left in the hands of a much greater power than either of them could begin to imagine. You question daily, the sudden magic of something so new and unfamiliar. The genuineness of the determined advances made by a thrilling stranger come into question and while your head says relax; slow down your heart dances inside of your chest at the ring of a telephone or the arrival of a letter.
Suddenly, the decision you have considered for so long seems unavoidable, inevitable even unstoppable. Your heart, mind and soul become one and give you the permission to enjoy the electrifying exhilaration of exploring this unexpected romance. It is with great sadness that you realize that following this dream will involve the closure of another and while it will bruise your heart it will also exhilarate your soul. Somehow you will recognize and accept the fact that this temporary pain will clear the way for a lifetime of unbelievable bliss and happiness. Tossing caution to the wind, you step out of the simple life you have been living, straight into the adventure of a lifetime and at that single moment you feel free.

2 comments

Alana,
When I read “Free” it was as if you were writing about me. Except I’m not free yet, and I have been frozen with all these thoughts for 14 of the nearly 19 years of my relationship. I can’t even call my partner of 19 years my lover as we have had no level of intimacy for 14 years. We sleep in separate rooms and beds. She rejected me 14 years ago because I gained 40 lbs. We go on as if we are partners. She calls me her girl. She tells me she loves me. I have struggled too long to free myself. I have lost so much time and happiness. What is keeping me frozen in this relationship. I’m sure it is partly because I do not want to cause her pain; even though she has caused me pain, hurt, and lonliness. She has taken away my need to love back. She has taken away my need to spontaniously kiss her passionately, and make love. I love being gay, but I’m not living my life as a gay woman. I’ve somehow become a companion. We all strive for that level of comfort when we are in our 80s and 90’s, but not 40’s & 50’s. When I read “Free” I saw me. Is there hope that I will have the courage to live my best life and free myself at the expense of hurting someone else? It seems I’m not alone in this struggle.