Sunday, November 29, 2009

I was tending to my usual Saturday things, when my husband informed me that I would be using his new John Deere mower to ariate the lawn in preparation for seeding grass for next year. I told him I didn't know how to drive it and I was afraid I would mess it up in some way. He insisted that I do this for him.

I reluctantly got on the mower. He instructed me step by step how to start the thing and drive it. It is a very complicated machine. It has cruise control, all kinds of things just like a car. I only needed to know how to make it go and stop it.

Once I got going, it seemed to go really well. I did have one mishap. I got too close to the chain link fence and got the ariator hung up on the fence. Larry came to my rescue and helped me get unstuck. Other than that I was able to get the job done.

I was pretty proud of myself for being able to operate such a machine as this lawn tractor. And the really neat part of the whole thing is that I got a John Deere hat to wear.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A very dear friend of mine from Florida sent this to me and I thought I'd share it.MAKE FRIENDS WITH WHATEVER'S NEXTby Max Lucado

Embrace it. Accept it. Don’t resist it. Change is not only a part of life; change is a necessary part of God’s strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments. Gideon: from farmer to general; Mary: from peasant girl to the mother of Christ; Paul: from local rabbi to world evangelist. God transitioned Joseph from a baby brother to an Egyptian prince. He changed David from a a shepherd to a king. Peter wanted to fish the Sea of Galilee. God called him to lead the first church. God makes reassignments.

But, someone might ask, what about the tragic changes God permits? Some seasons make no sense…do such moments serve a purpose?

They do if we see them from an eternal perspective. What makes no sense in this lie will make perfect sense in the next. I have proof: you in the womb.

I know you don’t remember this prenatal season, so let me remind you what happened during it. Every gestation day equipped you for your earthly life. Your bones solidified, your eyes developed, the umbilical cord transported nutrients into your growing frame…for what reason? So you might remain enwombed? Quite the contrary. Womb time equipped you for earth time, suited you up for your postpartum existence.

Some prenatal features went unused before birth. You grew a nose but didn’t breathe. Eyes developed, but could you see? Your tongue, toenails, and crop of hair served no function in your mother’s belly. But aren’t you glad you have them now?

Certain chapters in this life seem so unnecessary, like nostrils on the preborn. Suffering. Loneliness. Disease. Holocausts. Martyrdom. Monsoons. If we assume this world exists just for pregrave happiness, these atrocities disqualify it from doing so. But what if this earth is the womb? Might these challenges, severe as they may be, serve to prepare us, equip us for the world to come? As Paul wrote, “These little troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing” (2 Cor. 4:17 CEV).Hi SamSam

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

It caught me!! I was sitting at work all day yesterday with chills that were making me hurt all over. I got home around 7:30 pm and call Jer as he had left me a message. That's the last thing I remember except waking up numerous times in my chair still freezing. About 4:30 am this morning, Larry and I had a conversation as he had slept on the couch. There was no way I was going to be able to make it to work. I was so nauseated and chilled. I called the answering service who contacted office staff as soon as someone came in that I would not be in. I had to contact Employee Health at St. John's for them to do an evaluation over the phone. The nurse instructed me to treat the symptoms and not to return to work tomorrow. I am to call them Monday morning and have to be symptom free for 24 hours before I can return to work.

So, here I am, in my chair, my pajamas, my blanket, my water, and my condition. I'm thinking my somewhat depressed emotional state has been a set up for this. It is what it is. You all be careful, don't let it get you.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I certainly would welcome a feeling of excitement that it's Sunday morning and I could anticipate worship and the Word with other believers at church as I get myself ready. But the excitement is not there and I'm not even getting ready because I am not going. It seems the last few times I've gone I just sit there sort of detached, just worshipping by myself. I encounter no connection with anyone. I avoid people and just duck out of the church with a few waves hello, a smile, and hi how are you.

Don't get me wrong. I have a very strong relationship with the Lord and I care for people. I commune with my Lord continually and I am deep into the study of His Word. I know it's my state of mind. I'm in a funk, a depression to call it what it is. There is a very heavy cloud of bitterness, rage, and anger in my home that has a negative effect on me. Mostly because I know it doesn't have to be that way. I don't understand hatred, bitterness, and hostility though I've lived around it for years. Very few people are aware of it, maybe the kids and one or two others. But for the most part, it's a "family secret."

My prayer now is to stand firm in the faith, with the full armor on so that this negativity doesn't invade me and to pray that this invasion will be overcome by the power and love of God. I trust the Lord to take care of it in His way and in His time. He will take care of me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Well, I'm 3 hours post injection. Still very much under the influence of the propofol. Dr. Ellis was encouraged that the last injection provided improvement for about 2 days. I will be getting injection #3 on December 3rd.

The staff and nurses at the Pain Center there at the hospital are so good natured and pleasant. They make the whole experience a good one. I am not to do anything today at all but sit and lay around. How terrible but I guess I'll do my best to comply :)

Right now I'm in my chair, blanket over me, fireplace on, Sandlewood Rose candle burning, no TV on, lights only from outside, computer on my lap. What a set up!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I took a chance and called my beautician to see if she had an opening for me today to get haircut and highlight. It just so happened she did. I drove on over to the Clip Joint and checked in. There was music playing softly in the background, not elevator music really, but a nice ambient feel. The chairs in the waiting area are very modern style and oh so comfortable. There was only one other person in the waiting area-- an older man waiting with a woman's purse. Of course I didn't assume the purse was his, but that he was guarding it for his wife while she got her hair done. Sure enough, a few minutes later, here she came, with her little coiffure holding herself like a proud little peacock.

Before long, Candace, my "hair girl" came around the counter and greeted me. Together we walked back to her work station and the process began. We chit chatted about this that and the other. Simultaneously, Candace carefully and strategically placed the highlight "goo" and foil wraps in the right places so the lighter hair would blend and look more natural. That isn't too difficult a task for someone working on my hair as it is already about 45 different shades of blonde, red, and gray.

Then it was off to the hair dryer to heat the "goo" and let the color do its thing. I knew it was going to take about 15 minutes or so under the dryer so I picked up an unfamiliar magazine and started to fan through the pages. There were some really bizarre looking models in that magazine. I realized it was a fashion magazine, but gee whiz, those gals looked more like someone returning from a halloween party or their own funeral, it could have been either. Being a little bored by the whole thing, well all right, a little spooked, I put the "zine" down and just sat with my eyes closed.

As Candace finished shampooing and conditioning my hair, she wrapped me in a little towel and back to her station we marched, ready for the cutting phase. She had made the assumption I wanted the usual trim and confirmed that with "just a trim?" I told her I had recently lost a significant amount of hair on the front sides (stress related in my opinion) and that I thought it would look fuller and healthier if it were noticeably shorter. We then embarked on a length quest employing several different modes of measurement from "inches off" to hands on the neck where the hair should stop. My final decision was a chin length style after the hair is dry. Since I have curls, the hair would actually be cut longer to allow for "curling up."

Snip snip snip. Off came long strands of hair. There they were, lying, lifeless all around me. It felt good. I knew that hair lying on the floor was dry, unhealthy and ready to bite the dust. Candace ran a bit of gel through what was left on my head and tossled it around while she dried it with the hand dryer. Then, within just a few minutes, it was done. Candace handed me a hand mirror and spun me around so I could look at the finished product. I loved it. It was just like I wanted it. It looked fuller, healthier, and it felt great.

Candace walked with me to the check out counter and we wished each other a Happy Thanksgiving as I gave my debit card (my new credit card isn't here yet, after it got hijacked again) to the "chique" little receptionist. I got my stuff all gathered and put back in my purse and started off to leave the salon, like a proud little peacock.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I've been in a "place" spiritually, mentally, and emotionally for quite some time now. I know how I got here and I know when I got here. The problem is, it is a truly uncomfortable place and I'm not really enjoying the journey. However, I am quite aware that I am learning and growing here. Perhaps that's the most important issue anyway, not whether I like it or not.

Being human, at times I just want to feel sorry for myself that I am here. But, so far, every time that feeling comes up, it is trumped by the knowledge that I am here because of myself. Then I kind of rally what little shred of dignity I have left and bravely accept this "place" because I know I am reaping what I have sown.

I have made a couple of feeble attempts to describe to others where I am here in this "place" but I found that they are struggling in their own place and don't have the "whatevers and where-with-alls" to get past the walls of their own "place." So it is very lonely here. It's kind of ironic though, because while it is lonely and it would be so awesome if I knew someone even peeked in and saw this place just to know it a little, I really don't want anyone to see this "place."

Well, it's not that I don't want anyone to see this "place," it's that I don't want anyone to see me in this place. I am literally naked. Not physically, oh no, I still don myself with my pretty little outfits and "look the part." You see, my spirit is broken. Little pieces. That leaves the "naked" me and it's truly sickening to look at. It all actually makes me feel very self-conscious, like I have a huge announcement pinned to my back stating what a pathetic fool I am. I sort of want to just slip by everyone, kind of quiet and unnoticed, so no attention will be drawn to me. If I'm not mistaken I think the word for that is called shame. There is quite a bit of shame in this "place." You could say there is plenty of guilt, self-doubt, self-loathing, and discouragment, too.

Right now, I cringe if anyone asks me for anything because I don't have anything to give. Remember, I'm broken. I dread leaving the house. I dread going to work. I dread being around people. Someone might expect something from me. I cherish these values, integrity, loyalty, and Christian virtue, and have seriously strived to incorporate into my life. Something that deeply saddens me is that these very things were broken off of me and I was beaten to a pulp with them. Now they lay in pieces scattered around among the pieces of my spirit.

Something has drastically and forever changed in me. When the Lord puts my spirit back together, and He will, I will be different. I always thought I had gifts. Gifts to use helping others, making a difference. But I can clearly see now that the only, the only gift I have is the one given to me by the Lord Himself, and that is His gift of salvation. For now, I will serve my time here in this "place." I earned it and I deserve it. Thank you Lord for being a just God and for being a merciful God. Because I know when You open the door for me to walk out of this "place" I will be a better person, more usable for Your service.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Well, here we go again. My credit card was hijacked again this morning. I got an email from my credit card company about 7:00 a.m. I called them immediately. They told me someone had just charged $209.00 to a shoe store over the internet at 6:15 a.m. There was another charge for $1. We had to shred our credit cards, again, and wait about a week for the new cards with new numbers to arrive. This happened last summer and we went through the same process. No more shopping on the internet for me. I will call and do the shopping on the phone or send an order form with a check or money order. I can't believe this has happened again.Someone is enjoying a $209 pair of shoes. At least my credit card company is not holding me responsible. They are removing the charge. Watch your credit and debit cards and certainly be careful where you put your card number. Even if the address of the site you are shopping has the https:// you are vulnerable to getting your card information hijacked.

THOSE WHO SEE INSIDE ME

About Me

I became a born again Christan in 1975. I am a Missouri licensed Clinical Psychologist and a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor. I was married in 1986. I have 2 sons, 3 stepchildren, and 10 grandchildren. I work in an outpatient behavioral health clinic in the Ozarks.
There are two blogs here that cover different aspects of life and who I am. INSIDE THE SHRINK is a personal look inside the mind of this Christian psychologist. If you've ever wondered what goes on inside the mind of a shrink, here's your opportunity.
DAILY GRACE is a short, Biblical, daily devotional that, by the grace of God, He has inspired me to create and share wherever I can. May the Lord bless you as you read them.