Great Ideas A Go Go

Here are some Million Dollar Ideas I have come up with recently but am too lazy to do anything with.

Combination Cell Phone / Electric Shaver: Now men on their way to work can engage in two of the most dangerous while-driving activities at the same time! Woo!

Caffinated Pens: If instinct is going to impel me to chew them, I might as well get a buzz.

Hummus Deodorant: I loves me some hummus, but I am disinclined to eat anything that smells like hippie. That’s where Hummus Deodorant would enter the equation. “Strong enough for a man, but made for a traditional Middle-Eastern spread.”

Condensed Movies For Old People: If there’s one thing old people like, it’s condensed stuff. Well, okay: if there’s only one thing old people like it’s buffet-style restaurants, granted, but if there’s two things old people like it’s buffet-style restaurants and condensed stuff. Digests full of condensed magazine articles. Books full of condensed novels. Condensed milk. So they should make condensed movies for old people. Condensed movies would be just like full-length movies except two minutes long. They would contain all the best special effects, action sequences, and jokes from the film, and a voiceover would give a quick summary of the plot. (“In a world … full of violence … one man lives on both sides of the law …”). They could show maybe seven or eight condensed movies before the feature presentation. Best of all, theaters wouldn’t have to make any changes, since modern “teasers” pretty much show you the entire film already.

Narrator: … and you’ll never guess the shocking finale!

Female Lead In Film: I can’t believe that you, my husband, are the murderer!

Male Lead In Film: It’s true. And look, here comes our dog, the one we thought was killed in the first half an hour of the movie!

Female Lead In Movie: I am a man.

All theaters would really have to do is (a) start charging old people $8 to see the trailers and then (b) roust them from the cinema before the actual film starts so that they can go to Royal Fork instead of sitting behind me and hollering “WHAT DID HE SAY?!” to each other after every line of dialog. Win-win!

Actually, butter makes a much better deodorant than hummus. I’ve known marathon runners to stick a cheese sandwich under each armpit before starting the big race. By about the 7-mile marker, they’ve got a couple of tasty grilled cheese snacks ready for eatin’.

I’m sure that women would be even more likely than men to use the combination cell phone-shaver, if you are willing to manufacture it in hot pink. Attach a mascara brush to it, and it’s a sure-fire hit with the ladies!

That is what I love about you, Matthew…you and I are idea men…we’re thinkers…trying to take society forward.

I think with your electric shaver/phone and my automobile eletric blanket…we have the makings of a major mega corporation. I use to be afraid to try new things, but with your guidance I think I’m ready.

I’m really not too keen on the hummus deodorant idea… mainly due to my strong dislike of deodorant “balls” which fall out of my sleeves onto anything I’m sitting on or near. They look gross when you raise your arm as well. I can’t imagine hummus being any less apt to form deodorant balls than your normal everyday stick deodorant.

If you could make clear hummus that didn’t ball up as you moved your arms around during the day — well, that would be killer. Then I could smell “hippie” without the requisite slept-in-trash look.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I understood the hummus deoderant idea to mean that the hummus would wear the deoderant; or rather, that the eater would apply it to the hummus so it wouldn’t smell. Actually, I only understood it that way after some reflection, after I decided that the other didn’t make any sense at all. Matthew, tell us which you meant!