The problem with being a man

Derek Rielly

Last Sunday, the television personality Tracey Spicer wrote a column admitting she wouldn't be thrilled if men were placed next to her unaccompanied kids on flights.

Her piece was in response to airlines admitting that, yeah, as much as we can, we try and keep kids and men apart. It was about as radical as telling your kid not to pat dogs. Some bite, most don't. But be safe.

Air New Zealand Airband will help keep track of unaccompanied kids on flights. Photo: Gabriele Charotte

In a common sense world, it wouldn't have raised a hackle. It's a game of statistics. Choose between a one per cent chance of a kid being seated next to a creep or zero per cent and you're going to take the safe option. Controversy? There is none.

But the outrage from buttery-skinned men, weeping at the offence, hands barely able to hold their lattes. So upset their little voices tremble, 'But I ain't into kids!'

"It's an odd experience to log on to a newspaper website and find a fellow writer you admire making the suggestion that you could be a secret paedophile," whines Lance Richardson.

"This is precisely what happened on the weekend in Tracey Spicer’s Mama Holiday column, 'I don’t want my kids sitting next to a man on a plane.' The title itself has that sort of breathless declarative sweep – she has instantly implicated 50 percent of the population, after all – that calls to mind other zingers of rhetorical bombast, such as: 'All Muslims are terrorists.'"

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A poll of 10,000 readers that followed Richardson's column voted overwhelmingly against airline policy, at the time of writing this it was 91 per cent to nine.

When did men become such sooks? Aren't we supposed to be the rampart against political correctness gone mad? Aren't we warriors ever-ready to sacrifice ourselves for family and country? Isn't this confected fight for the right to be seated next to vulnerable kids kinda… dumb?

I'm a man, I've got kids and I don't want 'em socked next to whomever happened to buy a ticket on that flight. It isn't a stretch to acknowledge that If airlines didn't have the policy, it'd be communicated through those fabulous paedo-families online and, pretty soon, kid-fiddlers would be gambling on cheap flights. Who knows, maybe they'd swing a seat next to a child. And even if they didn't, who's going to deny the kindly old man who asks the lone male if he'd like to swap seats so "I can be near the aisle"?

These whining men should ask themselves: would you let your kids go to a public toilet alone or shower amid the soapy prongs of men in a public changeroom?

Now do you change your tune? But not all men are paedophiles! Let your libertine children revel in the harmless fun!

Think about this: when you're walking home late at night, alone, what's your immediate reaction when you see a group of jacked-up men coming toward you? Your heart beat quickens, you look around for escape routes, you brace yourself for the inevitable smart-arse comments.

Contrast that to a pack of gals. Instead, you ran a hand through your hair and start to swagger.

But not all men are violent.

And yet nine out of every 10 Australian incarcerated is a man.

At every level of junior sport, school, and at public institutions like the Surf Life Saving movement, there's has always been a creep or two, men you're quietly advised to avoid. Always manning the massage tables pummelling those supple young muscles, always arriving early, staying back late, always with a lingering touch or stare.