This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is since 1988 the motto for my work as Expressive Arts Therapist at my studio; “Yes to the Soul.”

*
I want to speak to you about something that is very close to my heart. It is about how play, creativity, and silliness can be magical door-openers into what we have run away from – in a safe way.

I am here today to extend an invitation for a playshop (not workshop.) Some days ago, Spirit came through loud and clear and presented a structure for pioneering groupwork. Those who resonate with this will come together for a 7 weeks online playshop. Our intention is to bring healing to something we still haven’t accepted, embraced and forgiven – a “dragon.” As Rilke points out, it needs our help – and the help will come from our Self (Source, Higher Power, inner guidance, God, call it what you want.)

True healing happens when we come back into alignment with our essence. Trying to heal is struggle. Allowing intuition/Source to lead is something else altogether.

I am calling out to those playful dedicated souls who want to wake up and see through the dragons of illness, pain and victimization. That does not necessarily mean that illness and pain disappears: it means that we discover that they truly offer potentiality for great transformation.

And when we put our swords of judgment and resistance away, the dragons may relax and let the princesses out – the princesses being our own denied innocent needs and feelings. It is my experience, working like this the last 29 years in private practice and teaching it, when we stop opposing the illnesses/pain/problems, and instead opens to them with interested curiosity, creativity and PLAY, wonders may happen and princesses have been known to come out and jig happily.

(You who just decided “ Oh I can’t do that. I knew it. I don’t belong here“ – come back. Of course you are.)

We will each pick one dragon – a dis-ease, an illness, physical or emotional. We will set an intention of changing our relationship to it – from wanting to get rid of it – fix it – or “try to heal it” – to simply allowing it to BE and ***allow*** Source to take care of with it. It can do that only when we step back and get another perspective: creativity and

PLAY

When we are playing, we are stepping back from our limitations and our incessant drive to fix and perform and have validation from outside. Play opens you to a level of consciousness where more of YOU can come out. And we are receiving the magic of changing perspective on the dragon, on pain, on ourselves.

When WE step back, willing to play with the exercises***, not doing them for anybody but ourselves, to play and explore, then LOVE is free to flow into it in ways that are surprising and fun. And transforming! And even if the dragon may not be transformed, our MIND will be: we will be aware of that Something that directs our “creations”, we will notice themes arising in the group that show our connectedness. Maybe we will discover that there is so much more to our lives than what we have believed possible. What if we even may have seen through the veil of separation – seeing the illness as a messenger and an opportunity to love this part of us deeper.

***Practically: I will send you a creative exercise each Monday for seven weeks. It will be one theme each week. You need absolutely no “artistic” talent or practice. It is not about the result – it is about our willingness to play and explore and allow the love and energy inherent in the exercises to just express itself, just follow it where it wants to go. If you can only draw stick-men, that’s perfectly fine. Experience tells me that the more we trust and surrender to the process of simply doing these simple exercises, without trying to heal our dragon, the more freedom and space we give to our expressions. The more we get out of the way, Love can step in.

We will have a private group on Facebook, where we can post photos of our doodles, sketches, word-plays, photos etc. It is not to be judged. I see clearly – and sweat when I write this , like my body is underlining it for me:

Change will happen in our relationship to the dragons when we allow them to transform through our playfulness and non-seriousness – simply trusting and surrendering to a process we cannot control.

And precisely THERE Love and transformation enters.

I am sending this out now to find you. If you resonate, please email me with your name and mail address. There are only 2 places open.

About me:
In short: I have a studio – “Yes to the Soul” – where I since 1988 have worked with those who want to wake up to our true nature, and have used play and creativity as the main means for this. The process has always shown us that there is Something that leads our stories and expressions – and that this Something is nothing else than your own playful innocent magical Self.
*

Yet another digital thingy has helped me lately – my readers will remember the out-door lamp and the door bell – is the timer on my cell phone! I have used it to time a five minutes x 3-meditation in lesson 3 in The Way of Mastery – and it has done weird things: I sit and wait for the timer to ring – and it does not – and I sit and wait and wait – and it does not ring …

So I open it to look how many minutes I have left, since it feels I have sat there for 10 minutes at least – and the second I grip the phone to open it, it rings.

The two first times this was fun – but now, after this repeating for the last 4 weeks, today I got the idea to watch the TV-clock in front of me. Sure enough, it showed 10 minutes as I sat there waiting for the timer to sound the five-minute-signal.

I was aware that what I started out with today, was the tremendous feeling of pressure and force, OCD-like – I HAVE TO “get” this – control this – understand this. And I sat as Christ with it, allowing it to be there,truly wanting to be guided to realize what the gift was.

These obsessive-compulsive feelings have laid my creative life barren for the last two months: I have been stuck in believing I have to produce a creative “result” – a painting, a sculpture, a poem – instead of enjoying myself playing and watching where it wants to go. Everything has shut down, coalesced into a hard ball of compulsion, no joy whatever, life becoming dull and pale as a tepid puddle

Now -the cellphone behavior has stayed that way until I at last today KNOW what that time-weirdness was FOR: Yet another digital way my Universe shows me that I AM SAFE. I am taken care of – I can trust this, and therefore trust the process, completely.

The moment I realized, I left the Christ meditation and found that part of me who had needed to hold on to this compulsive self-coercion as a way to survive. I asked where it could be found in my body: left lung. I went there and saw this terrified one who needed to control herself completely after severe trauma in order to stay safe inside her family. The moment I discovered her and told her that I saw her and was there for her, the energetic connection was made. The dams of grief broke. She saw she was not alone any longer. I acknowledged to her that it had been a vital choice to make when she was little – it would have been dangerous to be open about this in the family – she would not have been heard at all. As long as nobody would see and hear and listen to her, this was a wise choice to take. Holding on to this, creating this pattern, has kept us alive and functioning – and now is the glorious moment to let it out and express, with me as her loving companion.

So she did the best thing she could at that time: making a decision to control ,repress, push away whatever reminded her of the agony. NOW – with me – she was no longer alone, the spell could be dissolved.

And so we dissolved it – I encouraged her to feel the fear and anger and express in any way she wanted and needed, while I was witnessing it all from a neutral and all-loving observer-state – like a fairy godmother maybe. You know these godmothers – they love us and support us, but will never interfere with our feelings, they trust us completely to have the strength and wisdom necessary to go through life – into the desert and out again. Some even does that in 40 days. I have used a bit longer.

There came a moment where she discovered that the LOVE that embraced her was stronger than the original trauma, and the beliefs unwound beautifully.

I asked her then, what did she need now – after all of this?

Pause. “That you don’t get mad if I fall back into the control-pattern.”

Realizing, that only if I believed that to be serious, I would be in trouble – just being aware that “oh, there I go again, no biggie” would be just fine.

Watching how the ego wants guilt and punishment to strengthen its hold on us

Now I checked out the cellphone timer again in 5 minutes – meditation. Twice. The timer behaving like other timers – signaling after five minutes. What does this mean?

OH! here comes rushes of spiritual energy! It means I am looked after! This is the third time God has shown me She uses whatever means to show me that I am NOT a separated traumatized human being.

The first was my outdoor lamp that lightens automatically when it is dark. Whenever it did not, for 3 years, I could stand there and look at it and find whatever darkness in me at that moment that I believed was true – and acknowledge it and forgive myself – and the light went on.

The second was the electronic door-bell, who the last year has co-cooed in a different way than when one pushes the button – it co-coo’es when nobody is there. Except I now know that my Self is there, each time letting me know to put everything I do away, sit down and pay attention to the energies that wants to come through and be released

The third – all good things go by threes – is today, my cellphone-timer. It took me just one month to see it this time.

All of this – through the last 5 years – to help me see that I am taken care of

It pretty well takes care of the separation-conviction!

It shows me: in each and every situation where “things happen,” I have the choice to how I want to relate to it. As a victim – oh this is too serious, I am being punished, I must have done something to deserve this, I haven’t done “enough “ (therapy, work on myself, exercise blah) – or as creator:

This has come up for me to see and love. I acknowledge that something happened sometime – in this or other lives / in other dimensions of the multidimensional hologram of the universe, that caused me to make beliefs and draw conclusions from what happened – and what they all have in common is the root-belief of the human: I am on my own here. Every man for himself. Love and acknowledgments must be earned from others/ the outside.

As soon as I turned toward that compulsive obsessive controller inside with curiosity and love, she led me straight back to Source – and then the Outer ( this time the cell-phone) mirrored my new – and true – perception. As soon as I saw the real meaning of the cellphone-behavior, it turned back to normal.

*

Back to the little one in the left lung:

I asked her to imagine out how it would feel to truly KNOW that the pattern was gone, that is was absolutely safe – just pretending , just playing –

She told me it would feel so safe

And how does it feel to feel so safe?

Like life is safe for me – life is simple – life loves me! LIFE LOVES ME!

I sat as the observer and allowed the energy of this belief to flow through me – LIFE LOVES ME

And we had a little ceremony where she said three times with me I AM LOVED BY LIFE, claiming it and owning it

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in cable and web – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave. – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all – that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

Later yesterday I read more in my old journal in my Expressive Arts Therapy training – 29 years old – and found an exercise that used bodies/persons to sculpt inner feelings.

We were told to find an “inner sculpture” for “me.” I saw a person who knows “I am holy” and a dark being who point his tongue at that person – and a little child who sits close to them and want to be seen and held – an in front of this sits “Nirvana”.

She is present always. All is well. All is allowed.

And I saw that what that person in yesterday’s blog thought she needed, and that manifested as that “dark figure”, ridiculing the Holy – was that Boo-boo’er.

And that it all was all right – as it was

I am eternal Spirit – whole and complete and innocent. I have a bodily experience where my soul has chosen a scenario to explore – in order to learn to see through it to the shining Source at the center. Only when I have stopped judging the feelings can I see that what seems to happen happens in a dream – and that I, as Spirit, is the dreamer.

All I want is to wake up and truly KNOW myself as LOVE. As I get closer, all the old wounds open up for me to see them and see through them to the LOVE behind. In the night I could so lovingly see through the huge amount of self-hatred in my soul – for not being perfect, for not being as “others” wanted me. And I saw that behind any dark and violent feeling and act, there was an innocent yearning and need to be loved. Just held.

My daughter has played out all what I needed. She has been my greatest teacher. When she was small, and I was taking all my trainings and learning a lot, I remember I wanted to demonstrate EFT on her. She vehemently protested.

This night I saw why: she wanted me, not a “method.” She wanted nothing between her mother’s love and herself. She wanted to be held, and to be told that she was perfect the way she was, and that I loved her exactly as she was. And that I saw the truth in her and about her. She wanted me to express this with all of me, so she could believe this about herself.

And so I saw that the hatred we both had – to our parents and ourselves – came from innocence: we made a wrong conclusion that we were wrong, at fault, when our parents were crazy. We judged ourselves for needing comfort and love. We told ourselves that it was wrong and not possible, and that the only way out – that our parents demonstrated so perfectly – was to be hard on ourselves and trying to “better” ourselves and never complain – or need anything. Any inner need had to be met with hatred to kill it, anesthetized it.

I sat with this energy that I have judged for eons until it lightened – and asked Holy Spirit to replace my wrong-minded perception with His .

The dark boo-booer tried to intervene. I discovered that I didn’t want to be hard on myself any longer – no value in it. The silence that came was beautiful.

I recognize it is a habit, and that I need to be vigilant when “he” is there again to “save me” from hoping and open to love and being tricked and crushed. That is the old story – and I am free to choose again: each time he comes, is a new opportunity to choose LOVE instead

Sarita mentioned in the Way of Mastery-webcast Jeshua’s reminder of commitment to intention. That sank in. In the night, the inner Voice said “ drink water, go pee.” No way – I did not want to leave my warm bed and get all awake and sleepless. “Commitment.” Oh that. No. I want to be here for that inner suffering child, take care of her, keep her warm. Etc etc etc.

It seemed like hours went by before I decided to honor my commitment and not talk it away. I sat up, drank water, went to pee – and then the huge release started in the body. Giant yawns for a long time. Realizing the huge conditioning we all are subjected to when growing up – this is the “ME” we are taught to believe that we truly are. No wonder we defend it.

Went back to bed – and realized that my commitment has been to the ego, to keep the idea of the suffering me alive. And realizing that God never created sufferers – I did. God never created a false believer – I did.

I lay there, feeling like a drowning one floating up from deep murky waters in timeless eternity.

Then the “bad” feelings and sensations started. I remembered that I am in a “No complaining-week” –“this comes for your highest good, here are the jewels, sweetheart.” THANK YOU. Ideas flowed in, and insights: I saw a shadow that looked demonic, and knew that it was just a costume – and that I was the costume designer. As my main official job has been in this life – I have worked in the Theater as Set and Costume and puppet-designer

Oh the humor of it!

So – I made these dark and hateful designs. They are MY creations.

The energy is now tremendously heavy and depressive/gloomy. And I know I can say THANK YOU, since I am in a transformational process where I as Mind truly take responsibility for my creation.

Now I see a figure in a distance, slowly approaching me. It is my creation, made from the intense wish to separate and flee from guilt. A memory comes to me, from something I once read – about a man who met a wild boar in the wood, and immediately said inside: “ You are Spirit, made by God. I am Spirit, made by God. I declare that there never has been anything else between us than perfect Love.” And the boar stopped and retreated.

I also remembered words from A Course in Miracles that came to me on a journey where I met a particular nasty couple with small children on a train – they sat on the seats across me, and the toddler kicked my legs. Hard. When I wondered if it was possible for the mother to take him on her lap, she just looked at me as if I had insulted her gravely.

Then I heard this, from the Course: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

I became calm. And in no more than one minute, all changed. The father smiled at me and took the kicking kid on his lap. I got up and stood in the isle, looking out at the stunning nature. The mother did it too, we stood a bit a part. But she turned to me and smiled – such a happy smile. All the heaviness had slipped off her.

Maybe some of you read my post a couple of days ago, where I shared from Pierre Pradervand’s book “The Gentle Art of Blessing” – about the gang in Rwanda that were out to kill a family, and how the father SAW their innocence and confirmed it inside throughout the time the killers were at his house – and how this transformed them.

In the night, I saw that THIS has been my soul’s desire – to have a life with lots of possibilities to see through the dark costume to the Christ inside.

This process started when I was a baby – and the professional part started about 28 years ago in an agonized demonized night where I asked God for help, and then pretended He answered me. I taped the conversations on my little dream-recorder. Later, when I played it back, I realized that the answers truly came from Source.

This was the start of the long process of writing my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” Here is a site where you may read more about it: with the help of Jeshua – and now – it is so nice to see all the help I have received, in order to truly be able to ACCEPT what Pradervand’s friend KNEW: ““The Law of Love is present here, controls the situation and governs each and everyone.”

Looking at the figure symbolizing my creation, approaching me from far off, I know that this is not a snap transformation. But this time I trust fully that healing HAS happened – and that the appearances may continue in the world, but I will not take it so seriously any more: what people DO is not who they ARE.

I will add that I am a very good costume and set-designer 🙂 The State awarded me with a three-year scholarship, and I represented my country on an quadrennial international exhibition in stage and costume design. I can now smile a gigantic smile and recognize that this was the Universe’s symbols for me: my official job was in the theater,but as The Son of God I have costumed each and every “person” I meet to play the role I have chosen for them to play, so I can be helped to see the pattern and unravel it together with my faithful friends – my family, friends, and all my patients in therapy. The symbolism of it says that I in fact costumed the world. LOL

And so do we all – says the Course

Now the masks are off, the players are wiping off the makeup, the costumes are giving to the dressers to clean to next performance – and the players are eating and drinking and just playing “themselves.”

I have received questions about what the Course is about – and wanted to do it in as short and sweet matter as possible. Nothing could be better and simpler than my friend Alan Dolit’s simple overview – and his blue little gem here:

Seriousness causes reincarnation; guilt is an acronym for Godless Useless Insane Loveless Thought; sin is an acronym for Self Inflicted Neurosis; ego is an acronym for Exponential Guilt Orchestrator. Ego is also the master Travel agent for guilt trips.

OVERVIEW OF A COURSE IN MIRACLES

The Course introduction starts out with the statement :

Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God.

If we could really get this statement, how much easier our lives would be. When the Course refers to reality it is talking about the level of God. In truth God is the only reality. I won’t try to define God except to say that God is Spirit and beyond “belief”; beyond form, time and space which are perceptual ego terms. The nature of God is LOVE. The concept of this LOVE is beyond anything we can experience at the perceptual level. It is important to accept that God is not/has not a body and therefore is not male or female. I will use terms like Father and He only because of our language structure and because they are used in the Course. God is complete and whole and does not change or evolve. God exists only in the present. Even though God doesn’t change, it is God’s nature to extend. The extensions of God are still God and are created of the same Spirit.

The Course refers to the extensions as Creations or Sonship or Son or Christ. These terms are used interchangeably. The Son is co-creator with God the Father. The only difference is that The Father creates the Son and the Son in turn has His creations which are still part of the Sonship. An image I

have is that God the Source extends light rays. The light rays are caused by the Source and could not exist without the Source. It is the nature of God to continually extend. The Son will always be an effect of God, And God will always be Cause.

In truth, the Son cannot leave the Father any more than the rays can leave its source. However a “Thought” of separation enters the mind of God’s Son. A tiny mad idea that the Son could have more

than everything or basically usurp God’s power, and the Son forgets to laugh at this impossible situation. This “Thought”, preposterous as it is, and which is over in an instant, is so overwhelmingly frightening to the Son that he is terrified and goes out of his mind with fright.

The Son has no one to turn to for help, so he makes up an imaginary “advisor” called ego. The ego first tells him to deny that he had the thought. As this doesn’t work, the ego then says “hide from God so He can’t find you and punish you.” So the Son makes up an entire physical universe in his mind. This is the only place the physical world exists, in our mind. We have a horrible dream that seems to be going on for billions of years, but in truth it is really over in a flash. However we still choose to experience the effects of the dream.

During the sleeping phase of the dream, God knows that His Son is asleep and places in our mind, the Holy Spirit, God’s Voice. The Holy Spirit does understand what is in our mind and at the same

time knows none of it is real.

Eventually we all wake up and the dream of separation ends.

14. HOW WILL THE WORLD END?

M-14.1. Can what has no beginning really end? 2 The world will end in an illusion, as it began. 3 Yet will its ending be an illusion of mercy. 4 The illusion of forgiveness, complete, excluding no one, limitless in gentleness, will cover it, hiding all evil, concealing all sin and ending guilt forever. 5 So ends the world that guilt had made, for now it has no purpose and is gone. 6 The father of illusions is the belief that they have a purpose; that they serve a need or gratify a want. 7 Perceived as purposeless, they are no longer seen. 8 Their uselessness is recognized, and they are gone. 9 How but in this way are all illusions ended? 10 They have been brought to truth, and truth saw them not. 11 It merely overlooked the meaningless.

M-14.2. Until forgiveness is complete, the world does have a purpose. 2 It becomes the home in which forgiveness is born, and where it grows and becomes stronger and more all-embracing. 3 Here is it nourished, for here it is needed. 4 A gentle Savior, born where sin was made and guilt seemed real. 5 Here is His home, for here there is need of Him indeed. 6 He brings the ending of the world with Him. 7 It is His Call God’s teachers answer, turning to Him in silence to receive His Word. 8 The world will end when all things in it have been rightly judged by His judgment. 9 The world will end with the benediction of holiness upon it. 10 When not one thought of sin remains, the world is over. 11 It will not be destroyed nor attacked nor even touched. 12 It will merely cease to seem to be.

M-14.3. Certainly this seems to be a long, long while away. 2 “When not one thought of sin remains” appears to be a long-range goal indeed. 3 But time stands still, and waits on the goal of God’s teachers. 4 Not one thought of sin will remain the instant any one of them accepts Atonement for himself. 5 It is not easier to forgive one sin than to forgive all of them. 6 The illusion of orders of difficulty is an obstacle the teacher of God must learn to pass by and leave behind. 7 One sin perfectly forgiven by one teacher of God can make salvation complete. 8 Can you understand this? 9 No; it is meaningless to anyone here. 10 Yet it is the final lesson in which unity is restored. 11 It goes against all the thinking of the world, but so does Heaven.

M-14.4. The world will end when its thought system has been completely reversed. 2 Until then, bits and pieces of its thinking will still seem sensible. 3 The final lesson, which brings the ending of the world, cannot be grasped by those not yet prepared to leave the world and go beyond its tiny reach. 4 What, then, is the function of the teacher of God in this concluding lesson? 5 He need merely learn how to approach it; to be willing to go in its direction. 6 He need merely trust that, if God’s Voice tells him it is a lesson he can learn, he can learn it. 7 He does not judge it either as hard or easy. 8 His

Teacher points to it, and he trusts that He will show him how to learn it.

M-14.5. The world will end in joy, because it is a place of sorrow. 2 When joy has come, the purpose of the world has gone. 3 The world will end in peace, because it is a place of war. 4 When peace has come, what is the purpose of the world? 5 The world will end in laughter, because it is a place of tears. 6 Where there is laughter, who can longer weep? 7 And only complete forgiveness brings all this to bless the world. 8 In blessing it departs, for it will not end as it began. 9 To turn hell into Heaven is the function of God’s teachers, for what they teach are lessons in which Heaven is reflected. 10 And now sit down in true humility, and realize that all God would have you do you can do. 11 Do not be arrogant and say you cannot learn His Own curriculum. 12 His Word says otherwise. 13 His Will be done. 14 It cannot be otherwise. 15 And be you thankful it is so.

Here is a true story from “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – the miraculous effects of including what we have judged as “dark” into our Love. 25 years has passed since that workshop – I still remember it so clearly

Come Home, Beloved: loving the outcast / case story / 1990

In a continuous creative / spiritual group many years ago, Sue shared with us how a couple, living in an apartment below, was continuously fighting and screaming. Things were thrown around and made a lot of noise. She was afraid that the woman was being beaten and abused. Sue was scared and did not know how to interfere. This evening, several of the group-members had similar dark stories about violence to share. I saw it as an opportunity to deal with the violence within our own souls – the way we are violent toward our own impulses to feel whatever we are feeling, the violent ways most Jhydes* deny our needs, in order to “be nice” and pleasing.

We sat in our circle, and we invited the Holy Spirit’s Presence in. We opened our hearts for Unchangeable Love – to find the space in our heart that can embrace the dark. We invited, into this circle of love:

The rejected – the denied – the judged – the hated – the un-allowed – the shamed – the humiliated – the laughed at – the leprous.

The energy grew dense and strong – but we had prepared our container, presenting no resistance: now it could just be there.

Afterward, we made paintings of our own personal image of darkness, there and then. We listened to what these dark aspects of ourselves needed. We shared the images, and what the rejected parts needed – and then we placed the paintings in the center of our circle, close to the candle burning there – having in mind that we at the same time intentionally brought the rejected parts of our mind to the center of Light within: the Source of Love, the I AM.

A radiant light came to us, a tender peace and warmth. And the story could have ended here, but it did not.

When Sue came to group fourteen days later, she told us that when she went to bed the same evening, a strong rose light enveloped her, which she saw as a holy Presence. From that day, there was peace in the apartment downstairs. No more screams, no more blows, no more throwing things.

And for the first time, she heard music playing from the apartment.

*Jhydes: My book describes what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome” – personalities with deep splits, and abuse on some level which may be completely stuffed deep into the unconscious, resulting in a rich mix of “light” and “dark”. “Jhydes” are the name I have given people growing up with these very strong polarities in the psyche – the Introduction describes this in detail. If you go to the book on Amazon, it may be possible to read the Introduction there in the Kindle-version

Kit and I, both as therapists and “persons”, experience that just being with whatever in the body – bringing clear awareness to it – is transformational. When we Skype, we take 20 minutes each to be either the “explorer” or “witness.” We can talk about it, or just go directly to the body and ask “what is most alive right now for me, what needs attention inside? “ And examine, with innocence and curiosity, how this feels in our muscles, tissues, bones, intestines. Any images coming up are welcome – and saying YES to it, as it is, and just allowing ourselves to have that sensation – and emotion – will set it free, as long as it is done with wonder and curiosity and wonder – that is, no judgment.

And no judgment means LOVE

When we primarily talk about, we can compare it with being in a field of flowers – the sight and smell may be so overwhelming that we become sedated. The mind simply lures us into talking, discussing, analyzing – but what brings healing is to just sink into the sensation/emotion and BE with it – without all those me-identifying stories.

*

The session put me right into the place where I could see how vehemently I had refused my child-eyes to see something obnoxious and scary brutal. As I stated my willingness to see, I was shown four wolves who served as guardians of the wound – placed there by my wish and decision of course, to protect me when I was small. And now something wonderful happened: I saw those wolves’ faithfulness and absolute loyalty to me, their creator – there was nothing they wouldn’t have done for me. So instead of being angry at the defense-system, my heart melted and I went to them and told them to “lay down.” They obeyed immediately. Then I sat down and opened my arms to them, and they came, all four of them, to receive cuddles. It felt completely real – smell and sounds and all.

It is vital for us to recognize that we all have chosen our defense-systems – only then will it be possible to let go of them, or rather, to have them let go of us – and they will, if we see no value in them any longer, since our perception has been healed.

Blue then told me that there is no point in me continuing seeing details from trauma – “re-living things” – but to allow H.S to show me just the essence of the wound, which in this case is an archetypal wound – the one with perpetrators violating babies and even killing them for their own relief. The relief consists of projecting their own vulnerability outside and attacking it there – now seemingly having killed it off. What a kick that becomes for them – but then it has to be repeated, and becomes an addiction. Blue reminded me that now, that I truly saw this without identifying the perpetrators with their acts – and seeing how severely their minds were disturbed, for them to be able to act like this – that now, when images like that comes up for me, i.e. in the media, I can and choose to immediately look beyond the acts to the light behind – or also, look for the light space that the acts are floating in – or, look at the screen the acts are projected on. Remember Plato’s Cave? In all cases will I remember that I am within a dream that the One Son of God(we all) made when we choose to experiment with separating or Self from Source/God – and when I recognize the complete impossibility of that, I am joined with my Self again and all is well.

I find that when I have that intention to notice the “invisible” screen we project on unconscious guilt on, the seemingly constant iron-band around my lungs/chest immediately lightens, and a deep relaxation entering the heart.

What we do when we do this work, is to diffuse the appearances, the illusions. And since we truly are One mind, “the perpetrator’s” soul and the “baby’s” soul will somehow pick up that evil is not almighty: there is a light surrounding it. When just one person is willing to look for the light and truth, therefore the One mind is affected- and then, it is of course each and every one’s choice to notice this- or wait.

But it is unavoidable that we get there – since it is Who we are. And of course Blue reminds me that since time is also just a joint construct in our mind, we already ARE Home – looking back and believing the dream is real.

I remember many stories where people report about being the “victim” in a rape-situation – and that something in them shifted, and suddenly they stopped resisting and looked at their rapist with Christ’s vision – and that the “rapist” recoiled with a look of terror on their face and ran away.

These persons saw right through the illusion of “assailant” to their true Self.

Next step – to truly recognize, as the One mind, that I/we have collective invited this darkness into existence when we decided to believe in a world without God as our One and ONLY Source of life and love.

And then we became mesmerized by what we had created, and forgot that it was just a big show of projections in a holographic universe – and Our very decision to separate became the projector.

I talked to my inner child with Kit as a witness on Skype – telling her that it was safe now, and something deep inside abated, as I just sat with all the strong sensations in the body, without making stories about them. I saw that it was important for the baby that both Kit and I were there – Kit’s kind voice supporting what I told happened in the body, and helping me to stay with it instead of talking about it.

And in the last minute of the session, Kit laughed out loud and told me: “Just now, right outside my window, two ladies stopped. One of them has a baby in a harness on her chest – and right now, they both stopped walking and looked at the baby.

*

Two days after this, I was sitting on the sofa and watching a movie about a young man with Asperger’s syndrome – when, suddenly, I was aware that I was completely inside my body.

OH Simplicity.

Complete absence of drama

Just HERE, with all of me, no “parts” outside, not me outside body either.

It lasted ca an hour. And in the night, when some heavy stuff came to the surface, I was given a perfect image for me to just let it go:

I am at a conveyor-belt on an airport – there are two tracks of belts, I am in the middle. I place the two bundles of heavy-murkiness on the belts, and watch them travel toward the little door in the wall – and instead of a door, there is only LIGHT that receives the released stuff.

Feel free to try it out – and please comment here if it works well for you

This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama ( still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than me – and this thought we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feelingexperienced asdying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

Like this:

There is a knowing that below the frantic stressful energy, there is a stream of wellbeing, of welcome, embrace. I sense both at the same time.

I am blessed

Next day: this is a shift in patterns.

I awoke with a crazy energy in my bladder and heart. The same old dark energy . and I found myself saying: “get thee behind me, satan!” There was an immediate feeling of release and peace. This scared me – to believe that there is a “satan.” I was shown that “satan” is just a thought, believed in – the thought that I CAN be trapped in this energy and have it be stronger than “me.” Then that becomes my reality. I am using the power that God has given me to create.And if I believe that there is something that is stronger/more powerful than Love and Christ – and try to prove it with being a victim of this dense and trapped energy – that becomes my reality.

Now comes the shift

There is a rock-solid voice inside saying, smiling, “how CAN this be possible!” It is incredulous. “How CAN there be anything more powerful than Christ in you.” I allow myself to feel fully the energetic imprint of this Voice. It is anchoring my two lower chakras – and for the first time ever, it seems. This body-part is no longer seen as a container for fear: truth abides there. It is plainly ridiculous to believe in a God who can be overpowered by darkness – there is no value at all in that thought.

The shift has happened.

If/when these energies come back, let them – they cannot harm me any longer. I am this rockbottomsolid Presence and Anchor, knowing I am the Source of this – it is coming up to be released – just energy, no stories, no evil-label.

Healing Crisis:108 Ways to Turn Crises into Possibilities

When Fear Comes Home to Love

Services

Copyright

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, poems may also be re-blogged, provided that full and clear credit is given
with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.