Lost in Suburbia: Wait, are YOU my waiter?

Wednesday

Nov 15, 2017 at 11:08 AMNov 15, 2017 at 11:08 AM

Tracy Beckerman More Content Now

“Can I get an unsweetened iced tea?” I asked the server who brought me a glass of water. My husband was out of town and I thought it would be nice to treat myself to dinner in a fancy restaurant I’d heard a lot about. I had put on actual shoes instead of flip flops for the occasion so I expected good food and service to match.

“Oh, I just do the water,” he replied. “Someone else will be over to take your drink order.”

I wasn’t sure why there needed to be one guy for water and one guy for other beverages, but I said okay and looked at the menu while I waited. A few minutes later another server approached.

“Can I get you a beverage?” asked server No. 2.

“Yes, I’d like an unsweetened iced tea, please, and I’m also ready to give you my food order.”

“Oh, I just do beverages,” he replied. “I’ll send your server over to take your order.”

“Okay,” I replied, wondering why it now took three different people to take my order.

Server No. 3 arrived and took my order while server No. 2 showed up with my iced tea and server No. 1 came back and refilled my water glass.

After server No. 4, came to my table with my appetizer, I asked for some salt, and that was brought over by server No. 5. And then after I was done with my appetizer, a sixth server showed up to clear my dishes and give me new silverware.

“Can I get another iced tea?” I asked her.

“Oh, I only do silverware,” she replied. “I’ll send someone over to get you another drink.”

While I waited, a seventh server came over and lit the candle on my table, an eighth server replaced my dirty napkin with one that looked like a swan, and a ninth server came over and swept all the crumbs off my table. At this point I was wondering when someone would come over and eat my meal for me.

Naturally, I had expected that the fancy restaurant would be a step up from the usual service I got at my regular restaurants, but I didn’t count on having nine people preside over me while I ate. I wondered if I was going to have to leave nine different tips for the nine different servers or just one extremely large tip to be divvied up nine ways. Would it be bad if I showed favoritism for the person who folded my napkin like a swan? Still, I wouldn’t want to short change the candle-lighter. I was so busy trying to figure all this out, I almost forgot to chew my food.

While I ate my dinner, at least a dozen people stopped by to see if everything tasted okay. At this point I was convinced they thought I was either someone important, a restaurant critic, or someone on death row.

At long last, the meal was over. Server No. 6 came back and cleared my dishes. Server No. 9 swept all the crumbs off the table again. Server No. 2 offered me coffee. Server No. 3 brought me the dessert menu. Server No. 1 refilled my water glass. And Server No. 8 brought me a new napkin and made it into an elephant. I was sure I had met everyone who worked in the restaurant except maybe the dishwasher. But then a new face showed up.

“Hi, my name is Tom. I’m the manager. I just wanted to make sure everything tonight was to your satisfaction.”

“The food was delicious,” I replied. “But I think you may be understaffed.”

— For more Lost in Suburbia, follow Tracy on Facebook at facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage or on Twitter at @TracyBeckerman.