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Hurt (2009) [REVIEW]

I can’t quite recall how this film ended up on my Netflix queue, but if I could find the parties responsible, I would cut their dicks off with chainsaws, then feed them their own dicks, then feed them the chainsaws so their now eaten dicks would become further pulverized. I really hope I don’t have to do that to myself, but if it’s my own fault, I deserve it all. I looked this movie up on Wikipedia to try to determine its genre, which was determined to be “dramatic gothic horror thriller”. If I could pick four different words to describe this film, it would be “waste of time garbage”. It wasn’t even so bad it was entertaining, it was just so bland that I think the writers, director, actors, and most of the crew were asleep during the whole process.

Considering this was taken from the movie’s own website, I assume they also knew a wolf was more interesting than the cast.

The movie starts with a family packing their things to move to the desert with Uncle Darryl, played by William Mapother, better known as Ethan from Lost. The mom, daughter, and son seem to have a hard time adjusting, but these things happen when your father dies in car accident. Somehow, they end up fostering an orphan, who I guess causes some sort of trouble? Yeah, I really can’t explain it either. Through a series of events, we find out that the mom is diabetic, the uncle is in love with the mom (his foster sister, so it’s cool), the son is knocking boots with some lady, and the real daughter is distrusting of everything. The girl that the son is sleeping with falls in a hole and dies. The son has a statue land on him and makes us think he dies, but he actually lives. The foster daughter falls in the same hole as the other girl, and dies. Uncle Darryl hangs himself. The mom goes into a diabetic coma, but escapes with her son and daughter at the end of the film.

“My name is Ethan, I’m from Ontario and was sitting in the midsection of the plane.” Yes, that’s a Lost joke.

Confusing, right? Taken from it’s description on Netflix: “…Darryl offers lodging to the downsized family, they reluctantly accept — a fatal mistake”. This makes us think that Uncle Darryl is some weirdo freak, right? Wrong. That line in the description is as relevant as saying “the downsized family reluctantly have pancakes for dinner — a fatal mistake” because one thing really has nothing to do with the other. I just really don’t know what to say about this movie, there was nothing good about it…at all. It’s like they had an idea for making a movie, but halfway through filming, everyone took a bunch of PCP and went to the sledgehammer store, and the next day they realized they had to make a new ending that would be as unrelated to the beginning of the film as possible. Seriously, TWO of the characters that you would assume to be of any importance died by falling down a hole. They weren’t pushed, they weren’t following a trail of candies, they just fell…and died. And it was made to seem as if those events had anything to do with anyone, but it didn’t. Avoid this film at all costs, otherwise, you will be the one who is…HURT.