Working through my life's nightmare

Day Seven: It’s been emotional

Today was a grumpy day and I was warned that there would be emotions but I was dubious as to why.I’ve been quite cynical about this whole process from the get-go, but I’m coming around.I watched a Facebook live video from one of the 30 days to Healthy living task force leaders – I think that’s what they call themselves – and she spoke of the emotional link to food and changing habits of a lifetime which was similar to my thoughts yesterday.

She explained to us that when she was a nutrition coach she would never have considered recommending meal replacement as a way of eating but she slowly realised it was getting harder and harder to gain the nutrition she needed from eating vegetables grown in poor soil with pesticides and GM crops on the rise.And I believe it.There is so much information available about all the ways we’re messing up our diets and foods that used to be good for us (grains/soy/milk) are being mass-produced to make money without clear thought about the implications of the changes in processing methods.I suppose the reverse argument is that these pollutants have always been there, or that in fact there’s so much more regulation these days that we’re being exposed to less and less toxins.Look at the TV for a start, they’re still advertising Coke and Pepsi and that stuff is poison in a bottle!But if she’s selling this story, I’m buying it.I can believe that it’s worthwhile supplementing my diet with shakes to gain extra nutrition.I just need to find the way to do it, that works.

I spent most of the day feeling hungry again, I’m really not getting the balance right.I had porridge for breakfast, a chocolate shake with berries for lunch and a chicken salad for dinner.Snack was a muesli bar and a handful of peanuts and cashews, plus the detox tea and the fizz stick.It probably wasn’t enough but I made some bad choices.I’m really not focussing on the food or feeding myself.I think I just want it all to happen without me having to worry about it.I feel tired thinking about food and that’s come from years of anxiety surrounding it.I spent my day thinking about work and reading some news stories that really got to me.

But here’s the thing.I can change the goalposts if I want and I don’t need to feel bad for not getting it right.This isn’t a test or a race, this is me changing some eating habits that I’ve had for life and it’s going to take longer than a week or a month to do so.I look back on the path I’ve been on since I got sick almost 3 years ago and realise it’s all been a process of introducing changes into my life that are helping me live it in a better, more enjoyable way.I’ve found ways around displeasing things in my life that I don’t have absolute control over.I’ve found different paths.I’m not done yet either.

So this is a part of the change I want to make.Giving up coffee and the addiction I knew was there might seem to some people like nothing much.Because if you haven’t relied on coffee to pick you up, you don’t know what it’s like when it’s not there.You don’t know how bad that feels.But I’ve relinquished that crutch and I’m already noticing the difference in my wallet (not that I have a wallet but my bank app anyway).

I’m really struggling with the ‘let yourself off the hook’ mentality but I’m winning that battle too I think.I’m probably kidding myself right!