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Author
Topic: my son gets so discouraged (Read 9276 times)

I just need to type this to some understanding ears...When I see the saddness in my son's eyes and I heard the fear in his voice I feel so helpless. Yes I give him hugs and support him the best I can.

He is trying so hard to put his life back together. I feel that he was let go of his job for other reasons than they said and it is not right. But he said it would be hard to prove and he wants to move on. Now he is finding it very hard to find another job with that black mark they put on his record. And he cannot take it off his resume as what will he say he was doing for the past few years? Do not expect that to be answered just venting.

He has his share of good days but when he is talking about his death or how when he goes to pickup his medications at the pharmacy he feels people look at him and treat him as though he was not even a person. It makes me sad and angry.

Okay, now I feel better. Could n ot hold all the saddness inside anymore. Maybe this will help me not cry if I type it.Thanks for being there to type too.

If you are not doing so already may I respectfully suggest some face to face counseling. In the meantime try getting your son to join the forums...you might have to step back...no peeking in order for him to feel comfortable discussing HIV. He shouldn't isolate (which many of us do) and just might benefit from the forums...we are a very supportive lot around here. Maybe you can suggest he just poke around the forums to get a new perspective.

Hang in there Mom! You're having some rough seas today and it's good for you to come here and write/share your thoughts... hopefully it will help clear the clouds a bit. Hopefully the same clarity will show itself to your son. Wishing you (and him) the best.

David

ps&edit: I second Hal's good suggestions and hope your son comes here to join us.

Yes, this bug can make lots of us feel very self conscious, but that will get better in time. I think it would be great for your son to come here and get som insights, and hope. I am looking forward to learning about his story. He already seems to have an advantage with a caring mother like you.

thank you all so much.. My son is not yet ready for the forum , it seems, as he said, he did go to the forum and when he read about side effects and Lipodystrophy and wasting he become more upset. He will go to the forum when he is able to handle it.

He will be moving back here with me so he will not be so alone. I think this is good but I kind of think he feels he built his life and was independent and now he is forced due to lose of job, income and car to be back with me. I know he loves me but I also think that is hard to be back with one's mother when one has had a life and that life has been altered. Just thinking out loud again as it helps me.

I am so angry that I feel he was fired because he is gay. And that is not right. But it is his life and he does not want to pursue it.. he was told that it is hard to prove so he kind of gave up and he was dealing more with his diagnoses so the job issue became unimportant ...more thinking out loud. To type these things puts them into perspective for me too

motherinneed - the forums really do help - any chance you could find some of the great posts on here, and print them out to have your son read?

I agree, many here struggle with side effects, OIs and other issues - I don't mean to minimize the challenge and the suffering - that said, there are some great stories here about people who are living and thriving with HIV.

Lots of people who are doing very well on the meds, starting and continuing relationships, thriving in their careers, and living life as it was intended.

I think I would have walked in front of a bus last year without the support, good humor and sage advice provided by the men and women of this forum. Your son needs to hear from real people who are making the most of their lives despite the challenge of living with HIV and AIDS.

His life will resume, his career will continue and he will thrive - this is a big adjustment, and he is just starting to process. Please PM me if I can provide any support, I am a novice, but happy to help in any way I can.

I took my mom to counseling with me...she thought I was going to die in a month or something...geez....but she learned the basics about hiv and how it's transmitted ... and all the other stuff..she has a better understanding now of this condition.....it made me feel better about hiv and it did the same for her also....

I second Hal's suggestion. You have reached out to the poz community and this is one great thing you did, and I hope you learned a lot on here. Your son is "in need" too, and may be afraid, ashamed, scared, or whatever other feeling he may have joining the community. It's not easy to actually accept the status and talk to other people, it means that you recognize that this is now part of your life and recognizing that a journey is starting.

This doesn't mean his life will be all about HIV. HIV will be there, but should be secondary to everything else he wants to do and can do. When it comes to meds, they will help him continue what he wants to do. The forums on here are there to answer his scares, and some he may have difficulty sharing with you, even though it is clear that you are giving him all the help and love that you can.

SoSadTooBad has a good idea, you could print out posts that you find interesting and that can cheer him up. We have our ups and downs, but when we're down I can tell you that coming here makes a huge difference and it always ends with a smile.

Hi mother, i would advice you not to let your son to give up with his life nor with his professional career. Sometimes hills seem to be higher and higher but the only way of seeing sun again is climbing those mountains which might not be easy, but it is necessary and rewarding afterward.

I don't think being gay is a black mark, he has to believe in himself and keep on trying to find a new job, once he realises he is more than just a gay man or a poz man, once he realises he is mainly a good human being and a good professional and that makes him valuable, then he will be able to show others same thing and they will be happy of offering him a job.

If he has to go back home to recover after some hard times... fine... but don't let him even think about stopping flying....little birds have to try several times before they can fly freely and safely .... but those trials allow them to learn how to fight adverse times. I know soon he will be ready to fly back to the sky and continue with his life. We are with you.

Oh ,please do not think I meant being gay is a black mark, I meant that what the job people said he was guilty of was not very nice or true, They really wanted to fire him because he was gay and needed an excuse and the excuse that they manufactured will follow him in a negative way.. So as a result he has a bad thing written about him so that the work place can make it seem that they did not fire him because he is gay.I did not want to give want to have the words interpreted as you did. Sorry it came out that way.THese employers did not know he was HIV poz or they would have found an excuse quicker than they did. These people are cruel and ignorant. They took my son's career away, his income, his self esteem and his independence, not to mention his health insurance! But you know.. I think I react more intensely to all these events than my son as that is what a mother does, tries to protect their children from harm. I know he will benefit some day from this site when he is ready. I know he will not die in a month. I know he needs to accept his status and just keep taking his medications and move on. But the mother side of me wants to fix it and I cannot so that is why I need to vent my feelings here to just hear some positive words. Yes I have always cut and pasted t hings for my son to read and I know he appreciates it and learns from it. So again, I apologize for the way that one sentence of mine was interpreted. God Bless you all.

motherinneed - some thoughts on your son's departure from work... Most companies have a 'neutral reference' policy. So, regardless of why they let him go (fair or unfair) they will not typically share that information with future employers. In most cases, they will share dates of employment and positions held, and little else. Anything beyond that opens your son's former employer up to potential litigation.

So, take heart , his career is not ruined, it has simply taken a detour. I know I have hired candidates who suddenly left other jobs without explanation, and it is only one small part of how hiring managers look at a potential employee.

Make sure your son has strong personal and professional references in his field - those tend to carry a lot of weight, and they can often say more 'off the record' than a previous employer can. These references can speak to his character, his work ethic and his specific talents and skills.

If I was at liberty to mention the line of work my son was in then you would understand. Yes I know that employers cannot give bad references but just the line of work he was in and that he was fired from this area will give people their own negative opinions. He was actually told by a "friend" that this firing would follow him the rest of his life and prevent him from getting employment. Nice friend , hey? But it is the reality of the situation. And it has nothing to do with HIV or being gay, just the type of career he was involved in. . Now to be more positive.. I am hopefully praying that there will be a kind soul out there somewhere who will truly listen to my son and see he is of good character . I am trying to be hopeful that there is someone out therewith a clean , nonjudgement mind who can make their own decisions and not just take things as they may lookI will remain hopeful.

Hi i try to understand what you say... but i wonder what would happen if your son say he was the one leaving work instead of saying he was fired. Here people don't ask companies about that, just dates of employment. In case he is asked why we decided to quit his past job he can say he was not feeling comfortable anymore, the food was bad, people were ugly... whatever.... excuses are lot.

I know this is a very difficult time for you (and I will deal only with you) but I am afraid I am seeing a pattern beginning to form. This is why in my initial response to you I suggested counseling. You must try and quit asking what if questions that unfortunately can't be answered. This the time for YOU to forge ahead, because if YOU do, then I have no doubt in my mind your son will follow. You must approach this bearing in mind your son's future is limitless and his firing (whatever the reason) will someday become a distant memory. As women and homosexuals, people of color, we deal with the issues of sexism and racism and homophobia on a daily basis...and you know what, I think it ends up making us all that tougher. I know you have a million questions and blaming everything around you might seem to make it easier but in the long run it will bog you down into not making any decisions. Take the job firing for example...if your son has no legal recourse then it has to be time to move on. When he is thinking clearly he will know exactly what to put on his resume and will come up with an explanation he is comfortable with.

Now enough of my lecturing, because I think with a little HIV education, counseling and a mother's intuition you are going to be just fine...and so will your son.

I don't normally venture into this particular forum, but this morning I did and I was taken by your posts in this thread.

I find it great that you are willing to "be there" for your son, no matter what. I also hope he can seek out some sort of professional counselling to help him cope. Obviously he feels these forums would overwhelm him at this point in time and it's important I think that he goes at his own pace in that regard. Seems to me you are respecting that already.

There are no one-size-fits-all solutions when dealing with HIV so I would ignore anyone who tells you that you MUST do anything. You and your son will each know what you need and the best way to meet those needs as they arise and that is all that is important.

Dear Motherinneed,I understand from your posts that in the line of job your son was doing, being fired, for whatever reason, really compromises his future. So he should have remained there forever. Maybe that line of job is not worth the effort. Everybody should be free to quit a job or even force an employer to fire you (I did it in the past in a job I hated). Life is a constant change and in most cases changes are for better.Maybe your son should join these forums.I informed the medical service of my company I am HIV+. My health files are confidential so that is the only department of the airline that knows my condition. Moreover, the Dr. who carries my file called me to see how I was doing a few days after starting treatment. He also offered me the possibility of not showing up for flights if they interfere with my rutine checkups. I just have to show him any document that proves I have been to the Hospital and he justifies my absence.Other depertments of the airline are not so comprehensive but they don not know what is happening. If I don´t do a flight they ask me what is going on (I have not showed up for 8 flights in the last 2 years). I Just simply answer to them: "The medical service of the airline is informed" and they stop asking questions immediately. Even the ministry of civil aviation knows everything and I get my flying license renewed with no problems at all.Can your son say he decided to quit the job to get a better one?

Dear Motherinneed,I myself am a Mom of an HIV + gay man. I have no other children so my life tends to revolve probably too much around my son. I go through really bad days when it is time for his Dr's visits and I know when it's time by instinct, mother's intuition or whatever cosmic link I have with my son. I try to wait for his call to tell me how things went, but sometimes it is so hard. I really wish sometimes that I could turn off whatever it is that makes this happen.I wish I could take away all the pain and hurt with a hug and kiss like I seemed to be able to do when he was a little boy, but it seems that it doesn't work that way anymore.Some very wise people here in these forums told me that my love is more important than anything, and I have to believe that is true. My son is not ready for the forums yet either, but he knows that they are here when he is ready and he knows that I am here for him all the time. It sounds as if your son knows the same things are true and somehow I really feel that our boys are stronger and wiser than we like to think they are. My son keeps reminding me of who raised him...and I guess it's time I started remembering that for myself. Maybe it's time for both of us.I hope things work out well for your son... he does have an advantage that not all children have....a Mom that loves him, no matter what.You are both in my thoughts,ProudMom

I wish I could take away all the pain and hurt with a hug and kiss like I seemed to be able to do when he was a little boy, but it seems that it doesn't work that way anymore.

Oh you'd be surprised just how much a hug and kiss can help! It might not take ALL the pain and hurt away, but it goes a long way towards making it bearable. Keep hugging and kissing, both of you Moms!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I love those moms. They remind me of mine who passed away in 1996. She would have been like you, maybe more scared because she had a lot of gay friends that died of AIDS in the 80s, but she would have browsed the web and find this forum and contribute like you do. She would have enerved me by knowing more about HIV and I do, and by getting more advice on here and I would have. We would have dinner together and I would feel that there was only one thing in her mind: HIV, need to talk, need to talk, need to talk, but what is there to talk about, I know mum, I'm safe now, I know, yes I will talk to the doctor about the CD4s, yes my VL is cool, mum, no I didn't swallow the 30 vitamin pills you bought me, yes I heard about Harold being at the hospital, yes I will go to the gym, yes mum I will stop smoking..