musings of a counselor

The DTR (defining the relationship)

The anticipated, yet dreaded, “Defining the Relationship” talk, better known in the shorthand form, THE DTR. Just thinking about it is enough to kinda make my stomach do a few flips. Yes, you want to move this relationship forward, but Mister over there doesn’t seem to be making the moves towards talking about it yet. There are a few things to consider before you decide to breach the topic, and if you are ready for what the potential outcomes could be…

How long do I wait? Well ladies, there is no magic number of dates or months of dating that need to be met (that would make this question much easier to answer). Think about these questions:

How often do you talk?

If you’re talking nearly everyday and throughout the day in some capacity with both sides initiating, that is a good indicator that things are moving in a DTR direction. If it’s sporadically throughout the week, you probably want to hold off until it is a little more regular.

How much time are you spending together?

If you are hanging out when schedules permit and it’s been increasing over the course of the last several weeks, that’s a good sign. Again, consider DTRing it. If it’s still fairly casual, no need to rush and enjoy the period of casual dating you’re in.

Who are you spending time with as a couple?

If you both know each others friends and have done several group outings this is also a great indicator of moving things forward. However, if you’re still uncertain about who is friends are and your friends aren’t too familiar yet, maybe hold out a little bit longer.

So the time is right, how do I bring it up? Of course it will be easier after a couple drinks but that might not help you be clear. Hopefully if it’s the right time it will be something that happens easily and naturally. If things are as good as you have them envisioned, he is probably on the same page as you and will be excited to have this conversation and move things forward. However, if it happens that he doesn’t know what direction he wants this to go or somehow you aren’t on the same page, remember it’s better to know these things on the earlier end than later.