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Friday, October 25, 2013

Another Year Older

I recently celebrated (or mourned, depending on how you look at it) turning another year older. For me, birthdays represent the milestones that measure how far I've come in life. It's a time to reflect on my past and to look forward to my future.
Birthdays are also a slap-in-the-face reality check that I'm one step closer to getting my AARP card in the mail. Pretty soon I'll be pricing Hoverounds and buying clothes made for comfort rather than style. Velcro and elastic waistbands work well at this age, as do one-size-fits-all outfits. I can rock a housedress, especially if it's in a splashy flower print.
There are other changes that come with age that are not so much fun. The mind is willing but the body is not. And the body has the last laugh because aging is a twisted cosmic joke....or a really bad form of karmic retribution. I'm noticing more and more physical deficits as each year creeps by:

Loss Of Vision: My eyesight has steadily decreased over the past few years. Pretty soon I'll need glasses with the magnifying power of the Hubbel Telescope.

Arthritis: I pop Ibuprofen like candy and need to soak in a tub of Bengay every night before bed.

Hearing Loss: I've been trolling Ebay for an ear trumpet now that my hearing is shot. My family is
already annoyed with the amount of times I ask, "Huh?" and "What?" I can't hear much of anything. Unless, of course, someone is offering me cake....then I can hear just fine.

Fatigue: I'm tired of being tired. I've been drinking so much caffeine lately that my bladder has become a Starbuck's Drive-Thru.

Low Sex Drive: Forget the Kama Sutra. The only thing happening in bed is the missionary position and my spouse asking, "Are you still awake?" in the middle of it all.

Osteoporosis: My bones have become more fragile and I bruise faster than a banana. At this rate I'll need to invest in hockey goalie gear so that I'll be safely padded against possible fractures as I walk from the sofa to the refrigerator.

Gas: I used to clear the dance floor with my disco moves. Now I clear a room with my flatulence.

Dental Issues: If I chew caramels at this stage of the game, I'll end up with lock jaw or a few missing teeth. My gums have receded so far that I have teeth twice the size they used to be.

Memory Loss: Wallet, keys, reading glasses....these items love to play hide-and-seek with me on a daily basis. I've either got a gremlin in residence who takes sadistic pleasure in hiding my belongings, or I killed too many brain cells playing quarters during my college bar hopping days.

Wrinkles: I'm a fanatic about using serums and face creams with a high SPF. Even so, I am unable to prevent the laugh lines that are forming deep ravines in my skin. My biggest fear is that I will end up with a face that resembles that shriveled apple left in the back of my refrigerator produce drawer since 2011.

I've accepted the fact that I'm getting older and that at the end of the day my body feels like it has been through a rousing game of Whack-A-Mole. But I have also
found the silver lining to aging: Retirement, cruising the countryside in a new RV, watching the grandkids grow up and giving my adult children a few gray hairs of their own. It's also a great age to say, "I told you so...", and if I'm really lucky, I can use my AARP discount on an industrial size bottle of fiber pills and orthopedic shoes.
Shuffleboard or bingo, anyone?

I hear ya sister!!!! Every morning at 5am my explosive gas starts. I'm proud of the fact that I can blow the covers off the bed at age 49. Can't wait for my AARP card to arrive shortly so I can get my free donut with my coffee!!!!

Happy Belated Birthday mate and you look wonderful for your age, and don't let anyone else tell you different. Not everyone ends up looking as great as you, so you're really and truly blessed in the aging process.

We've all got that downhill path to take and have no choice in the matter. I guess it's a case of how you deal with it cos it's not always doom and gloom.

If you need glasses then get a nice funky freaky pair and be happy with it. Don't eat those rock hard chewy caramels because we know they pull out teeth, even when we were young. If your bones fail you, get one of those automatic wheel chair things - scooter. You can spruce it up to look like a 'Hell's Angels' one. Beep the extra large horn hard every time a young person gets in your way and wear one of those spikey helmets too. Old folk can be a force to be reckoned with. Maybe give the police a run for their money on the motorway with your scooter too, who would arrest you? Just say you didn't hear the sirens for 2 hours ha ha ha.

I like memory/hearing loss, you can get away with so much, ha ha ha. Isn't old age fun? I'll see you at the bingo later :)

Just got my first ever pair of reading glasses and I get a bit of carpal tunnel every now and again, but age ain't nothin' but a number.Love the additional wisdom that each extra year brings and just enjoy life, its too short for regrets. Great post, happy birthday, whenever it was.

Happy Birthday!! I feel the same effects you do, and sometimes I think Old Age is a Curse. But no, it's really not. I've worn glasses since I was 7. NBD. I'm tired at 7 pm, but I'm up around 5 and I get a lot more done in the morning than I do at night. Sex? What's that? Fortunately (even though they don't admit it) men go through the same thing. A great marriage will survive because both people know there's more to the love than just the sex (at least that's what I've been told!!). Health issues are something else. But we are all facing them (or going to face them) and hopefully those, too, can be resolved one day at a time. In the meantime, do the best you can. My 95 year old grandmother, whose hearing was going, told me this: "I don't have to hear everything!" Very wise words indeed!

Marcia, you make growing older fun! I'm there, sister. I get my AARP offers all the time now. Went to the eye doctor a few months back, and the pecker-wood has the nerve to ask "do you want bifocals?"...you tell me! I told him nobody wanted bifocals, I would wait..only to find out I NEED bifocals! Idiot! So now I have to lovely chain around the neck to hold my glasses! I'm the freakin librarian! And on the subject of hearing (you'll love this one!), we were watching America's Got Talent a bit ago and I went to the kitchen to tidy up a few things when I heard my husband, Earl, say something about 'an erection in the van'!!!! what?! Turns out he said 'the band is One Direction'. How about them apples?! Yeah, I know how it feels. I find myself moaning about things I never cared about, like how hard it is to get in and out of the Honda, and how low the sofa is...it's tough to get up after you've settled! So, I know what you mean, and you know I absolutely adore your writing, Marcia. Keep it coming, lady, you got this! So glad to see you here! Sending love and autumn leaves (the kind you don't have to rake! just enjoy) from Colorado!s

Always a joy to visit your site, Marcia! Today, every word applied. Sigh. :)A tip of my bottle of Geritol to you, my friend!Now I'm relying on the Senior's Serenity prayer: God Grant Me The Serenity To Forget The People I Never Liked Anyway. The Good Fortune to Run Into the Ones That I Do. And The Eyesight to tell the difference.

You know, I get those pesky AARP cards in the mail all the time! I have sworn to call their customer service line if I get another one, "can you please calm down and at least let me get to the point where I can use one?" Geez! I think they are sending it based on the symptoms I have because I think I have 9 out of 10 of the ones you have!

You have aged beautifully :) I hope I'm as lucky as you!

Laugh lines are a sign that you lived and lived well! Thanks for contributing to my laugh lines Marcia <3

happy b-day!here I am complaining about my grey hair, but know that vision loss and hearing loss, and sore joints will come so soon. Wait, they are here already (in my early 40's!) My great-Aunt was a huge wrinkle, so I don't have much hope for avoiding those.

I like to think everything that comes with age was earned, we should be thankful we are still around to complain about it. Right? So, complain away, and enjoy every moment.~Rebecca

Happy birthday. I'm with you. I had a big birthday over the summer and it hit me harder than I'd like to admit. I just took birthday cupcakes to my youngest's class at lunch and he just told me some of his classmates said, "Your mom is old." Help.

Gah, I can relate to the things that are deteriorating. My eyesight is getting ridiculous too, and I don't like that one, not a bit. I have found I'm not leaping and bounding up stairs anymore, but actually am turning on the light to see where I'm going when I'm going up and down them. *sigh* LOL

Look at the brighter side of aging though...you're a lot wiser, a lot calmer, and s**t that drove you crazy just a few years ago doesn't do so anymore...you're all like, "Whateverthef**k." Stuff that was a crisis twenty years ago is now old hat to you...you know what to do. And with your kids out the house or at least grown-up enough that you no longer have to follow them around with a wet towel and a fresh diaper anymore lest they drop their load on the Persian rug again, now you have time to be the MENOPAUSAL MOTHER!!! A/k/A the funniest hormonal freak in central Florida! Now go take some Midol and lie down, and when you're feeling better (and it's been enough time since you took the Midol), we'll go play quarters. Just for old times' sake, you realize. :)

Shareaholic

Menopausal Mother

Musings on the good, the bad, and the ugly side of midlife mayhem. If you bring me wine and a large jar of Nutella, I'll be your best friend. This is rogue humor at its finest. Welcome to the nuthouse!