Former Sydney businessman David Glasheen has been living on Restoration Island off the north coast of Australia since 1993, after losing millions in the stock market and getting divorced, alone but for dog, solar-powered internet, and a “wheelbarrow mannequin.” Wait, did you say wheelbarrow mannequin?

Oh don’t look so shocked. You think Tom Hanks and that slut Wilson weren’t banging every time the cameras were off? Anyway, Glasheen is in the news because the Australian Supreme Court wants to evict him, saying he’s failed to uphold the terms of his lease, which had stipulated that Glasheen was to build a resort on the island.

Mr Glasheen, who is now in his late 60s, said he revels in the tranquillity and privacy and has called himself as “the luckiest bloke in the world”. He lives off fish and crab and collects bananas, coconuts and native fruit, as well as growing his own vegetables and brewing beer.He has solar-powered internet access and still flutters on the stock market using an online trading account.Though he tends to shun publicity, he made international headlines several years ago after he tried to find a partner on an online dating agency. He received hundreds of responses but had no luck.“It gets lonely out here,” he told a reporter at the time. “My only hope is for a mermaid to turn up on the beach.”

What about a Real Doll that you dunk in the water from time to time? Next best thing, right? You know mermaids, it’s all “blah blah blah tell me about your day” and that. Woman, I’m trying to eat my fish.

According to a 43-year lease, which commenced in 1996, stated that he and a business partner should develop tourist accommodation and fishing facilities valued at least $AUS200,000. The Queensland Supreme Court has ruled that the land should be repossessed.Mr Glasheen agreed to speak to The Daily Telegraph in the hope that it may help him find a lawyer to lodge an appeal. “This judgment was just horrible,” he said by phone from Cairns, in northern Queensland, where he was meeting prospective lawyers.Asked whether he had been given a date by which to vacate the island, he said: “I’m probably going to stay there. I’m sick of the courts.”Mr Glasheen initially moved to the island with a girlfriend, but she found life there too difficult. He receives visits from passing yachtsmen and kayakers, as well as occasional groups of organic farmers.On his website for the island, Mr Glasheen claims he has received approvals to develop a resort and invites investors interested in funding a project which could include private guesthouses and a health spa.But the court ruled that Mr Glasheen and his business partners were “trespassers” and must vacate the land.“The defendants have wrongly deprived the plaintiff of its asset for over a decade during which time they have enjoyed its benefits,” the court said. [TelegraphUK]

It’s getting harder and harder to feel sorry for this guy. It doesn’t count as a deserted island if you’ve got beer and internet, that’s not even roughing it. Eat some crab, poop in the forest, pet your dog, bang your mannequin, buy stuff on Amazon – oooh, poor guy, he’s going to miss out on free-bagel Wednesdays at the old sadness factory. (Sorry, I could be projecting here, I used to have an office job). You can see why they want to evict him, he makes the rest of us look like fools.

Keep truckin’, beardy, just look out for those kayakers. If Valtrex ads have taught me anything, it’s that all kayakers have herpes.