I’m Bi & Would Love To Date A Woman But I Keep Getting Distracted By Men

I’m bisexual but it often feels like I have to predominantly date men just because of the sheer volume of them. My experience with dating women is limited, but I seriously wish that wasn’t the case. There are just way too many dudes out there.

There are far more men that like women than there are women who like women. A recent survey of 24- to 34-year-old men found that 95% of men identify as straight whereas about 20% of women are attracted to women. Some of those 20% even identify as “mostly straight.” The numbers basically confirm my fears: there are way more guys for me to pick from than there are eligible women.

Over 80% of bisexual folks end up in straight relationships anyway. A 2013 Pew Research LGBT survey discovered that 84% of self-identified bisexuals in long-term relationships are in straight ones. Only 9% are in same-sex relationships. Crazy, right? It seems like ending up with a dude seems to be the trend for most bisexual women.

I’ve also had way more experience dating men. I’ve probably dated more men as a result of these numbers we’ve just seen. I’ve had far more relationships and dates with dudes. It ultimately became a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I’m more comfortable dating men than I am women. I wish it wasn’t like this, but it is what it is.

Sometimes I worry that this makes me less queer. I know this isn’t reality, but sometimes I fear being “not queer enough” because I haven’t dated that many women and I’m not actively dating any women. Like I said, logically I know this isn’t true, but the voice still chimes in my head sometimes.

Some queer women don’t make it easy for bisexual women, which is frustrating. I do have to say that sometimes the myths around being bisexual really do disturb my dating life when it comes to women. Some lesbian women genuinely won’t date women who aren’t lesbians. They think that bisexual women are risky because we may be “just curious” about dating women rather than legitimately attracted to them. I know that these aren’t the kind of women I’d want to be dating anyway, but it’s still hard to have that ignorant stuff thrown at me.

It feels way harder to meet bisexual or lesbian women. It’s not that I don’t want to date women—I love them and think they’re wonderful—it just hasn’t really unfolded for me yet. This isn’t for lack of trying, either. I’ve definitely put myself out there in the real world and in online dating but it’s so much harder to meet women.

Online dating with women takes more patience as well. It’s been my experience that women are less likely to message first, they respond slower, and they’re less straightforward than men. I’m not saying this is the case across the board, it’s just been my experience. As a result, trying to date women online takes tons of patience when admittedly I sometimes want fast results and quick connections. With women, I have to really practice patience.

Online dating with guys is easier. Oh man, online dating with dudes is way easier. They almost always message first unless I’m using an app like Bumble. Plus, they’re even more likely to message back if I message first whereas I have lots of unanswered messages from women. I like online dating with dudes (most of the time) mainly because of the sheer volume of them that are on dating apps. Someone is bound to stick.

I’m also interested in trans folks and I can’t meet them either. Though I haven’t had the experience of dating a trans person yet, I’m sure it’d be lovely. However, they’re also scarce in comparison to straight cis dudes, so who knows when that’ll happen?

Gender neutral and genderqueer people are even fewer. To make sure I’m not being gender exclusive, I want to mention that I also date gender neutral and genderqueer folks. As a queer woman, I’m attracted to people of all genders, not just men and women. Unfortunately, gender neutral and genderqueer people who are attracted to women are even fewer and farther between than women who are attracted to women!

Ginelle Testa
Ginelle Testa's an avid wordsmith. She's a queer gal whose passions include recovery/sobriety, social justice, body positivity, and intersectional feminism. In the rare moments she isn't writing, you can find her holding her own in a recreational street hockey league, thrifting eclectic attire, and imperfectly practicing Buddhism. Follow her on Insta!