4.12.2012

speaking life into a situation

This week has been extremely harrowing, emotionally wise. I'm a basket case, and I feel like I've lost control of every possible emotion. I've been clinging on to God all week, to be honest, He is all that has kept me from really falling apart. I'm not depressed, I hate using that word so easily and stamping it as the cause to my problems. It's more than that. There have been big changes going on with my heart, and it's scary. Like, I've never been in this type of deal, never been in love. Yeah, crushes, likes, what I thought may be love...but this, what I am feeling, is very much LOVE. So my insides are raging, they are spiraling, they are at their height of feeling...you know? I just...sigh. He's so far away. Across the globe, completely opposite sides of the world. How can a heart fully grasp that concept? To not see the person you love, touch, feel, hear, smell, breathe...it's tough man. I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his teasing ways with me, his protection when he stands in front of me while we were on the train. I felt so his. I felt his love down to my toes. Sigh.

I don't know. I get these stupid thoughts too, that bring me down. It stems from my own doubt and insecurities, it's pathetic. There is no validity in any of it, really. I just need God's comfort and peace. I need something to change...a word from HIM. Please Lord, let me hang on to you. I've nothing else. Nothing.

I miss you rethish, love of my life. I miss you so much. I hope you understand the sudden outbursts that I've poured out these last few times...I'm just trying to deal and cope with this distance. Please know that I love you, and I'd do anything in this whole entire world to be with you, to make you smile and to fill you with all my love and all the joy possible. God be with you and protect you sweetheart, that's my daily prayer. You are NEVER alone. Ever.