Saturday, 29 December 2007

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

The chickens are no more. Sunday morning was spent clearing up the remains of one and sunday afternoon was spent at the vets having last one put down after the fox broke into the pen at 2 pm in front of us, kids kicking and screaming, Lolly even crawled under the wendy house on stilts to try and rescue the chicken and kick away the fox. The chicken was too badly injured and I had her put to sleep.

Am looking into electric fencing, have a couple of months before the chicks are old enough to go outside so may buy the things I need bit by bit, cant believe I need to do this just to keep a few chickens safe!

Friday, 14 December 2007

Tired and grumpy and no patience to blog properly, I think of wonderful ideas and stories to blog about when I'm in the shower or about to fall asleep but when I'm actually sat at the pc, the dog is barking to go out, the chickens need feeding, the children need me to fix something or find something and I just cant think straight!

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Still bah-humbugging about Christmas, told a customer services rep that just because its states in their terms and conditions that they can advertise a product on the web at one price and you can reserve it and then find its exactly twice the price when you get to the shop to collect, doesn't mean it right, fair, moral or good business practice, this was two seconds before I slammed the phone down. Have found the same thing on eBay and put a large first bid on it, I'd better win!

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Poorly chicken is laying tiny eggs that probably don't have a yolk in, don't know yet haven't cracked it and the other laid another shell-less egg this morning, no idea why, they have a better diet than most kids I know! Have candled the eggs in the incubator, only one has an obvious embryo but that doesn't mean the others don't, they may just have thicker shells, I can see shadows in there, just not sure what to make of them. If I have the finances I will buy some point of lay chickens in the new year, I wish you could ship day olds like you can in the US, not allowed in the UK and very difficult to buy here.

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I nearly knocked Lolly's head off last night in fright, I was cleaning the lounge with music playing and couldn't hear her, apparently she had been calling from upstairs and then from the kitchen and when I still didn't hear her, she stood right behind me and shouted "MUM!" I swung round with the vacuum pipe absolutely terrified, so was she as I screamed! I've told both kids many times not to creep up on me on jump out on me, it freaks me out beyond reason, I don't know why!

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Dumpling's nativity was lovely, he doesn't like getting up on stage so was a 'Bethlehem child' something like an extra! Trouble was the head teacher kept referring to the 'Bethlehem children' as the 'village people', snigger's all round from the parents and I swear I heard humming to the tune of YMCA.....

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Lolly is in a dance show on Sunday evening and tomorrow we have to travel a 12 mile round trip on an expensive bus route for a half hour rehearsal that isn't at where she trains nor is the hotel where the show will be! But apparently its imperative that she attend, grrrrr....

Friday, 7 December 2007

Dumpling is home from school still but just sneezing and coughing, no more barfing I hope. Lolly has been to school all week too, she's a little under the weather but coping with it, I have the cough and an upset stomach, cant stray to far from the bathroom...!

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The injured chicken is making it worse by scratching her healing neck and drawing blood, she also just paces her pen all day, I think she wants to be with the other chicken in the other pen but chickens are notorious for pecking at any sore bit on another. I'm considering having her put down but the local vets are interested in chickens, even just putting one to sleep.

We do however have an incubator and 11 fertalised eggs! Day 1 is tomorrow and in 21 days, New year, we should have some baby chicks! We are giving away some to the friend who lent us the incubator if enough hatch, they want between 3 and 6 and so do we so heres hoping for a good hatch rate!

Monday, 3 December 2007

Bleauughhh!

Dumpling threw up sick with blood in it yesterday afternoon, rang to GP who said take him to to A&E at the hospital, who said take him straight to the ward where after an hour of laying in a bed , he threw up all over the floor, again with streaks of blood. He also blew the blood vessels in his eyes which became bloodshot. He didnt look a pretty sight, grey, sunken bloodshot eyes and generally miserable. Temp was 102 again, so they kept us in overnight to be monitored. He wasnt sick again and his temp came down so we are home, I am zombie-like from staying up most of the nigth to watch him, was terrified he might be sick in his sleep. I havnt showered in over 24 hours, cant decide whether to nap first or not! Lolly has this bug too, more days off school, which they will not be happy about, already had a letter home that she has been absent a lot, yes I know, she isnt truenting, she is home sick under my care!

Sunday, 2 December 2007

I have put my back out something crazy, I'm typing this very stiffly and Dumpling has a fever of 102, he made a very nice hot water bottle last night, I think he hasnt been out of my arms since about 4pm yesterday, he wants to be held when ill but is lovely but at six years old, he's a little heavy on a back thats already seen better days! Plus I had to keep pulling my dead arms out from under him all night which only caused him to fling himslef sleepily back around me and set me up for another body part to recieve no blood and turn heavy and painful! I think its a chest infection, he's coughing and sniffing and his breath could kill at 10 paces, but I will wait till the GPs surgery opens tomorrow morning rather than take him to the out of hours surgery at the hospital, with the state of the towns health at the moment, he's likely to come home with more illness that he arrived with!

Saturday, 1 December 2007

Horrible morning, fox attacked our chickens again, one dead, one injured, and one stressed and off her food, have been to the hardware store and bought metal locks to secure the coop better and have put as many bricks as I can on the lid, I really thought they were safe and fell sick with guilt at myself and anger at the fox, I know, circle of life but go and catch wildlife fox, leave my pets alone.

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Dumpling and I have the norwalk or noro virus so the doctor says. Easily spread, nasty, nothing you can do but drink plenty, bleach the toilet and wait it out. It gives you dreadful sulphur burps and the worst wind, between me and the dog its dangerous to light a match here...

Friday, 16 November 2007

OK, I know, have hardly managed to post once a week let alone once a day, but life gets in the way.

Been having long, long phone conversations with a close person whose marriage has broken down. 20 years, 2 kids and suddenly its over, no one saw this coming.

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Chickens have laid the grand total of ...... 2 eggs. Not much is it ? I was expecting baskets and baskets of them! Am assured it will get better and we are thinking of getting a couple more chickens, trying to decide between raising chicks again or buying them at point of lay.

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Dumpling is home sick, he thrashed and moaned all night, woke up looking like he had a hangover, was hot and pale all morning, had lunch, took a nap, then threw up all over my kitchen floor! Took him out in the pushchair wrapped in blankets to buy more calpol and he has been fine ever since. He's missing a birthday party tonight but I'm glad I don't have to go out in the dark and cold!

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Still having acupuncture, not convinced at all, my GP is very brusque, its not like going to a herbalist, there's no chat about hot or cold foods or looking at your tongue, he just sticks needles in where ever it hurts, I'm getting more pain from the site of the needle rather than the back ache. I think I have one more week, will stick it out but don't think this practitioner is very good.

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Dreading christmas, my kids don't need anything and I hate the thought of my family spending hard earn cash on things the kids don't need and I don't want in the house just because 'its christmas'. I also don't have any spare cash and wouldn't know what to buy anyone if I had. I don't want anything either. There are a few things I'm planning on buying in the next few months but I don't want them as presents, I want to choose them and have them at my convenience. Bah humbug.

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Not impressed with the mess the scaffolders left behind, bits of plastic, drinks bottles, splinters of wood everywhere. Not convinced they did everything they were supposed to either, landlord is coming tomorrow morning to check the work as he is paying for it.

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Its very cold here, south of England is mild so we really feel it! Heating is on from 5am to 10 pm, plus a log fire in the evenings and we are still wearing extra layers in the house. Cant imagine how people live with snow and ice, we wimp out if it drops below freezing over night!

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I went shopping for a dress to wear to a do I'm going to in December and came home thoroughly depressed, nothing fitted or suited me. I have a small bust, a spare tyre, my legs aren't as good as they used to be, and being a redhead I'm very pale. Every slinky dress I tried on made me look like an uncooked sausage roll. All the dresses clung to the wrong places and even when am assistant decided to take me under her wing and find me the perfect dress, she said something about the right underwear and maybe I should think about jeans and a sparkly top? How about dirty jeans, a sweatshirt and wellington boots as that what I wear every day!

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Thursday, 8 November 2007

I'm surrounded by men.

They look at me from every window.

No, I'm not having a nightmare, we're having the gutters replaced and a team have arrived to put up scalfolding, my house looks like it has braces. They swear at every available oppurtunity and one asked to use to the toilet, now its a given that you only do wee's in someone elses house, isnt it? Apparently not. Gross.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Dumpling swimming at a friends pool, I've always wanted pictures of dumpling in the pool but you cant even take a switched off camera anywhere near a council pool here, if you get your phone out they scowl at you!

Not being part of the blogging world for very long I had no idea what nablogpomo was, not sure if I do yet but everyone is supposed to post once a day for a month? Well you'll only get short posts out of me but I'll give it a try...?

I can smell warm custard and I have no idea why, we dont have any?

I had acupuncture again last night from my gp, I dont think its suppsed to hurt that much nor bleed!

I've just found my shower gel puff thing on the floor by my pc, two floors away from the bathromm, huh? Blame the puppy.

The puppy bit the groomer and the groomer forgot to do his nails, he taps on the floor when he walks and refuses to pavement walk so she is coming back tonight.

My chickens should be laying eggs by now but I think the fireworks have unsettled them plus the fox attack. I have put a box of straw in their run in case they feel like laying one during the day but they just took all the straw out and looked at me like I was stupid...

Monday, 22 October 2007

Still tired, sicky feeling and dizzy feelings have gone, gave the kids a verbal beating this morning, they have slipped back into the passive aggressive stuff again, like saying yes to something I ask them to do then slipping away and not doing it, once again I find myself yelling at the top of my voice "If you put as much effort into doing it as you do avoiding it..." When I'm angry and am barking orders, stuff gets done, kids are polite to me and each other and they behave in the way I want but as soon as I stop the boot camp routine, their standards slip instantly, so I have to be upset, have a sore throat and a pounding head from the stress of picking up their bloody mess, tripping over their shoes, finding unflushed toilets, not being able to get in the bath before cleaning the blackness out of it, finding plates left all over the worktop BESIDE the dishwasher, the magic cupboard that does it for you for christs sake, I made Lolly wash everything up by hand this morning including what was already in the dishwasher because even after I had told them both off for dumping plates, she did it again. They both seem to find satisfaction in getting away with doing as little as possible rather than feel proud of a good job.

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Cough...sneeze...bleaughhh...

I know, my blogging has seriously lost its momentum, I wonder if anyone has done a study on the ebbs and flows of blog writing? Anyway, lots going on here, its not my place to discuss most of it on here, its happening to someone close to me, big changes are afoot, and its very upsetting for all involved, great I'm welling up again. Its ok, no ones ill or anything, just life stuff. Making me question this process of life though, when things you thought were forever and unbreakable are not and can turn sour right there in front of you, horrible process.

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Also discovered a nasty side of blogging that I had no idea about, I'm damn not posting a link to any of it, I wont fuel any part of it, makes me feel sad and sick that people can be so cruel, is that the only way they can feel good about themselves?

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My chickens are a few weeks off laying, cant wait, they are the funniest things to keep, so enthusiastic but not overly bright, makes for fun viewing as they comedy sketch around my garden

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Dumpling and I are at home with sore throats, temps and that general sicky, head-achey feeling, he has calpol but I've run out of grown up medicine. Have to go food shopping, will get some then.

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Was Dumplings 6th birthday on Monday, he didnt want a big party, he doesnt like them, too much going on and he ends up hiding and crying so he had his best friend Lewis round for tea, 2 of them was enough believe me! I chose most of the presents that people gave (they did ask, I was being total control freak) so I was really pleased, I asked not to get him any more smaller gimmicky things, we have hundreds of toy cars and I reallt cant take any more, I rolled over in bed in the middle of the night and found one! So he got a great projecter that has 105 images to choose from, it projects onto a little desk and you draw the image and then illustrate it, Dumpling adores this as he's a great artist but gets frustrated when he knows what he wants to draw but cant get it right, this way he gets the basic shape and then he fills in the detail. He also got a great sit on tv-games console thing, 30 games in one thing and you can sit on like a little car (might be easier if i take photos as my explaining is making no sense to me let alone you!)

Saturday, 13 October 2007

First I was afraid,I was petrifiedWhen you said you had 10 inchesLord I almost diedI'd spent oh so many yearsJust waiting for a man that longThat I grew strongAnd I knew that I could take you onBut there you were, another lieI was ready for a big macAnd you brought me a french fryI should have known that it was bull,Just a sad pathetic dreamShould have known no anacondaWas there lurking in those jeans!Go on now, goWalk out the doorDon't promise me 10 inchesThen turn up with only 4Weren't you a twatto think I wouldn't find you outDon't you know we were only jokingwhen we say size doesn't count?I will survive, I will surviveCause as long as I have batteriesmy sex lifes going to thrive!I will always have god sexwith a handful of la-tex!I will survive!

Friday, 12 October 2007

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.

I'm wincing as the window men take out the old wooden frame windows and replace them with UPVC, theres so much crap and dust coming down I can hear it from downstairs and taste dust in the air. They did another two windows here yesterday and it took me hours to vacuum and mop everywhere, all clothes that are hung on the airer or in the laundry room will have to be washed again. I cleared as much as I could out of their way but ran out of space. Its going to take a long time to clear up after this and you know how much I love housework...

Thursday, 4 October 2007

OK, quick up dates, cant sit for too long at the pc as back is giving me such pain at the moment, but my GP has agreed I would be a good candidate for acupuncture! I have a 5 week course starting the week after next, feel better in my self already just knowing this might help!

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I bought a 40 GB external hard drive to take some of the strain of my poor old pc, have 4 GB of photos stored on there! Its a little faster but really it needs a complete wipe and start again but I don't have all the cds for the programmes and don't want the hassle of reinstalling the broadband again! The new hard drive is a beautiful silver thing that fits in the palm of my hand, I look at it lovingly every time I sit at the pc, do you think its the lack of sex that makes me drool over my gadgets?

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My chickens are a few weeks away from laying, so looking forward to the first eggs, still trying to keep them safe from the foxes. Mr and Mrs Fox decided to make sweet, noisy, screaming love UNDER my bedroom window at 4.30am! Apologies to all neighbours who heard me telling them in not too polite terms to go away!

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Baby Tom (toddler now but the name stuck) is back with me as he didnt like nursery and his mum thought he would be better back with me for a few months. He is the cutest, politest child you have ever met, I adore him and just love talking to to him, his voice and the things he says are just too cute! He has had all his long floppy hair cut off and looks so different, I follow him round with my new camera and email his parents the best photos!

Saturday, 29 September 2007

Things are fine but I'm in a funk. Summer is over, the rain is pouring down and the sky is so, so grey, I hate it. The roof is still leaking, no idea when the landlord has arranged to have it fixed, he doesnt seem to see how important it is, its damaging his property let alone causing us inconvenience. Once again I'm cross with myself for feeling blue, kids are well, dog is good, budget is ok but I wish I was somewhere warm!

Saturday, 22 September 2007

Friday, 14 September 2007

I've been emailed this a few times and it just makes me laugh, number 5 is my favourite!

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.

Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up a 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

I know I promised I'd blog more once the children were back at school but i wasnt counting on them coming down with a bug within a few days of returning! So they are both padding around in their pyjamas, looking pale and green, clutching their tummys, even the dog threw up this morning, I've anti-bac-ed every surface in the house, I dont want to be ill!

Been quiet for a few days as someone who I thought was very close to me betrayed my trust in them and in doing so put my children in danger. I'm not going to go too much into it now as its a bit too fresh but will blog about it when its over I hope.

And I must thank Kate and Kimberly for 'big up-ing' me! Thanks guys, it means a lot xxx

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Saturday, 1 September 2007

So much going on here, have got out of the habit of blogging, wait till the kids go back to school, 6 hours a day on my hands and you will hear a lot from me!

Having lots of days out and visiting people, trying to make the most of the last few days before schedules return, not sure how the kids will cope with getting up so early and not eating constantly, it makes me laugh to think they will have 3 hours inbetween meals when school starts!

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Thursday, 23 August 2007

I guess I should explain! This is what happens when you have a 9lb5oz baby, put on some weight, lose it and then develop IBS, a gut! It does look better if I stand up straighter, suck it in and put my shoulders back, but I often forget and this is what people see, this is why the rumours start but they forget one little detail that would be necessary....

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

This will probably be a short post as I seem to have lost the will to blog during the holidays, my brain is exhausted from trying to keep two very different children entertained and out of trouble! The sibling rivalry has reached an all time high this summer, they both think the other gets more of my attention when all that really happens when they kick off is neither get any good attention, they just bear the brunt of my annoyance and anger, why cant they see that?

(Dumpling has just called from the sofa where he lays, unwashed and with a mouthful of apple, watching cartoons that it "smells around here" shall I break it to him that its a combination of the fact that he and the puppy need a bath?)

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Went to a friends wedding on Sunday, was flattered to be invited as I don't get to see her as much as I would like. It was a no children affair, fair enough but it was made very clear that the invitation was for me and not me + 1, OK, but I didn't know anyone else at the wedding and had to tack myself on to a friendly looking group I met briefly before at a christening, cue lots of stilted conversations and forced smiles. It was a beautiful wedding, cant fault it, lots of lovely touches and lots of funny bits too, but although I'm glad I saw the actual wedding and was involved I think I should have just been invited to the evening do?

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Weather is rubbish here, rain and high winds, the wind actually kept me up last night (weather, not my tummy) supposed to be better for the bank holiday this weekend, I hope so, I live a short bus ride from one of the most famous beaches in this country and haven't been there yet this summer! But at least all this rain means we will have a grape crop in the garden this year, first time in 3 years they haven't dried out.

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I'm thinking about buying a new camera, mine is OK, but a bit basic, I want something more advanced, have been researching reviews online and I think I want a Fuji S5700, anyone else have one, what do you think?

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He's right, there is a funny smell, I'm going to find out what it is, will report back later.....

Thursday, 16 August 2007

ok, ok I know I should blog more often but I'm feeling a little bleaughh. Have had a bout of non specific IBS, not ill, just bloaty, painful cramps and when I need to go, I need to go, clear a path to the bathroom, do not disturb and light a scented candle afterwards! Its getting better and the dog has stopped passing out when I parp, but I think after this week there is a hole in the ozone layer just above my house!

Have had a few fun days out when its not raining, will put some pictures on in a while. Had to have serious words with the children about squabbling, it was getting me down and overly sensitive to it, one of them only had to say "muuuuuum" and I would lose the plot. Its not only me, another mother had to physically separate her children in the queue at the bank yesterday as one went for the other with the cry of "you're not the boss of me!"

Went speed dating for free again, they text me when they don't have enough women for the event and see if I want to go. had nothing else to do on a wet Tuesday night. I ticked 3 guys but the one I really liked, he ticked all my boxes for what I look for in a man, didn't tick me! I am really surprised and confused as I thought we hit it off and would definitely meet again?

Thursday, 9 August 2007

28 days people, I thought I told you to warn me why I've turned into irritable super-bitch? Thumping headache and back pain, pain killers just made me sleep and then wake up even crabbier than before, I keep grinding my teeth in stress and a sure sign that I'm down and bothered is the repeating of thoughts in my head, just mundane stuff like I have to get some wax from the beauty suppliers but I can stop thinking about it, I've even written a long list of all the things that go round and round but still around my head they go, ever had days when you would like to leave yourself just for a few hours? I'm annoyed with myself for the way I feel and guilty that I feel so awful and distant to everyone.

But I'll be fine in a few days and you can listen to this all again next month!

Sunday, 5 August 2007

I am here and think of lots of things to blog about every day, but with the weather now being so good we are out and about each day, (mainly because being in the house with two sniping whiney children drives me crazy) I'm just too tired at the end of each sandy/leafy day to sit and blog properly, will tell you about our summer when it nexts rains!

Sunday, 29 July 2007

Pretty good day considering that all the days are blending into one at the moment, with the kids being off school there is very little to distinguish the days. Went to Dumplings school friends birthday party, very nice, in a little hall with a hired magician who fancied himself as a bit of a comedian with the parents, I got off very lightly but he was very cheeky to the grandmother of the boy but she took it very well and at one point all the adults were crying with laughter. He kept the kids entertained and sat down for the whole hour he was booked and they laughed a lot too, he was very slapstick and they loved it. Then food and a game of pass-the-parcel with a layer and sweets for all 24 of the children, 24 layers of shiny wrapping paper must have cost more than the present! A small glass of wine for the adults, I had to sleep for an hour when I got home, cant take my wine at the best of times and certainly not on a Sunday lunchtime with only 2 cocktail sausages, a small ham sandwich and a handful of teddy bear crisps!

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Been trying to have a clear out at home, we have so much tat, even after few hours housework it still looks untidy but there's so much I cant bear to part with, I hate to think of things being wasted by throwing them away but I know they are being wasted sat around my house. Every night I think I will attack the house with some bin liners and either throw things away or give stuff to the charity shop but only a small bag ever makes it! We have more toys than the average playschool but Dumpling does play with them, whatever I get down from the 'ledge' that our toys are on (will post a pic when its tidier) he throws himself at them with gusto so why get rid of them just to make more space for me to vacuum? I have a bad habit of keeping things out on show because if I put every thing away I don't know what I have, the stuff that is 'away' doesn't get used and that's pointless too, oh I give up, the house can be minimalist and tidy when the kids leave home!

Thursday, 26 July 2007

I hate this week of the year, my tenany is due for renewal and something always goes wrong with the paperwork, my landlord sent me an agreement with £100 a month less rent on it than he actually wants, yet he's putting it up by £100 a month! I dont understand what he thought he meant on the agreement, so many many polite texts have been going back and forth, I dont want to upset him, I love this house and want to stay and he likes us and wants us to stay but with more money. (the roof is leaking with all this rain but I'm not telling him till all this is settled)

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

I went to see the dream boys last night for my friend Emma's hen night! Its entertainment I guess but it doesn't really do anything for me, I think g-strings look awful on men! I had four drinks, 2 small glasses of wine and two vodka and lemonades, fell rough this morning and has taken copious amounts of water and painkillers for the throbbing headache to stop. I'm such an old fart, cant take my drink and when one of the strippers covered his bits in baby oil and then, umm, flicked it at the crowd with a swing of his hips, all I could think of was how unhygienic!

Saturday, 21 July 2007

Have refilled my prescription of pain meds after pulling my back lifting rabbit cages around so feeling much better even though things havnt changed!

Dumplings absent father had the cheek to write to me today, 4 sides of A4 of self indulgent crap, telling me I was 'stand-offish' at the funeral, and that I know deep down in my heart that he is not a bad person and that he might like to see Dumpling. NOT A CHANCE was the general reaction. I'm not going into it too much on here but he has denied that he is dumplings father, has wished me dead and various other things. Dumpling wouldnt know him if he passed him in the street and I would like it to stay that way.

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Had a an awful day, I want to use many swear words but have said enough today and shouldn't use them on the blog. My period is overdue, no I'm not pregnant, you need to have sex for that, sometimes stress seems to delay it and the hormone buildup is unbearable. Dumplings school rang at 10.30 again and said he wasn't well, could I pick him up, third time this month, he only has tomorrow and then he breaks up for the summer but he only has to clutch his tummy and moan a little and they run for the phone. He was fine when I picked him up and he knew he had pulled a fast one. I had already arranged to meet his Nana for lunch so I took him with. He behaved like an absolute brat, literally putting himself between her and me so we couldn't hold a conversation, he went on and on playing up till he knocked over a huge glass of orange juice, most of which went into my handbag which was laying sideways on the table, to make it worse, Nana picked it upright so it all ran into my phone, purse and keys, I'm screaming at her to stop as if she hadn't it would have puddled in the top and not touched the phone, I'm tipping it out trying to save my stuff and she's panicking making it worse, in the end I snapped at her to leave it and she went to get paper towels, then comes back and trys to dry a vets leaflet that was in my bag, why would I want a paper leaflet dry, I'm trying to save an expensive phone here! Dumplings lies on the floor under the table crying and then I look over and realise that his playschool teachers are having their end of term lunch here and are all staring and the swearing mother, the panicking grandmother and the sobbing child. When Dumplings ice cream arrived I told him he couldn't have it till he stopped howling, sat in the chair I specified ie not next to me and apologised. Of course Nana starts trying to give him the bloody ice cream, I had to firmly tell her to stop it, I'm sick of people raising their eyebrows at my kids behaviour but encouraging it against my wishes, the grandmas in this family are driving me crazy. Stop spoiling my children and then telling me they are spoiled! Oh my nerves are frazzled here and I'm close to angry pissed off tears, I'm sick of my kids squabbling, I'm sick of the mess they make. They are both masters of passive aggression, they would never be directly disrespectful to me but they just quietly ignore what I ask, or do as little as possible and they both cant bear that I have a life, even a phone conversation is interrupted by 'emergencies'. Most people see two pretty good kids and they are, its the 20% of them thats driving me insane and they things they get into trouble for are not that bad, its the fact that its every fucking day, the same shoes I trip over, the same unflushed toilet, the same toothpaste stain down the sink. We have a dishwasher but I have to hovver over them with a baseball bat to get them to put a plate in it, I can say to them as they leave the room "put that in the dishwasher" when I go to the kitchen, there it is on the worktop. Its the repetitiveness of what I'm angry for that is tipping me over the edge, its groundhog day of small chores and it makes me sob with frustration that they don't remember that doing something (or not doing it) make mummy scream with fury yesterday and the day before but it will be ok today...why don't they learn from their mistakes?

And the puppy gets taken out every half hour but pisses on the floor as soon as we're not looking. We still cant take him out for a walk until he is fully inoculated, maybe then the smell of other dogs will make him do all his peeing then and I can stop mopping the floor every few minutes.

Monday, 16 July 2007

If running around in the surf gives you a bum like this then I'm off to the beach! I hate her! My bum in a bikini scares small children! I know she's prone to the odd acne outburst but I'd still kill for a figure like this!

(Yeh, I know, I published this and then read the post below about eating all the teachers chocolates...thats why I dont have a peachy smooth bum...)

Friday, 13 July 2007

I bought chocolates for Dumplings last day of term to give to his teacher and her assistant. But thats a week today. And I can go shopping again on Tuesday. Guess whats going to happen to those chocolates....?

Lolly has too many teachers to buy for and her french teacher is leaving the school, she will not be missed after the way she has treated Lolly this year, I'll help her pack and kick her down the school driveway on Thursday if she likes!

Missing rabbit still missing, still presumed killed in action. Still hate foxes.

A fox got in last night, opened the cages and senselessly killed four of our seven rabbits. We have found three, all together in the garden, the fourth is missing presumed dead. Lolly is in shock and I cant stop crying. I hate the fact the foxes kill for instinct not to eat. Such a pointless death. RIP Fuzzle, Peaches and the baby rabbits.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Could you guys message me about every 28 days or so and remind why I feel like this, has taken me all morning to realise why I feel like crying for no reason, am inhaling chocolate, my head is thumping and have a thirst to match a camel, why dont I ever remember I have PMT until I'm well into it and am in danger of losing the respect of friends and family!

Monday, 9 July 2007

I'm in a great mood! The sun is shining, I dont feel like something that feel out of one end of the dog, I'm listening to 'flathead' by the fratellis and 'voodoo doll' by the rogue traders as loud as I can without the neighbours complaining, feeling young again, amazing what laying on the sofa for 3 or 4 days feeling bad can do to make you appreciate life again once you get it back!

Nemo went to the vets this morning and after waiting a long time to be seen, they had an emergency so I cant complain. I was worried sick they were going to say that the dandruff on his back was going to be some dire complaint and theres was no hope and that his ears were full of some horrible bugs etc etc (dont google worst case scenarios for everything your puppy does...) turns out he's healthy, lovely and the vet adores him, I had to break up the snuggle session they were having, I'm trying to give his history and age and the vet is on his hands and knees making kissy wissy noises while the dog licks his nose (ok, I'm jealous, the vet was good looking and back in the day I had that effect on men.....) He's delayed his jabs by a week as he had a very wet poop this morning and may have chewed something he shouldnt but other than that a clean bill of health. Took us an other hour to get past all the nurses and receptionists who wanted to tickle him and declare what a cutie he was, I'm starting to realise that I'm going to have to learn to be tough with people, poor puppy hasnt got any immune system yet and people are scratching their dogs and then wandering over to us and letting nemo chew their fingers!

Just thought, am I doing that thing that women do with new babies and talk of nothing else....ok, consider myself slapped, I'll think of something else to talk about when I finish giving him a tummy rub...

Sunday, 8 July 2007

I have to laugh at the obscure relevency that my little ad thing comes up with, but I thinkI'm not allowed to mention it..?

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Puppy is poopy, we take him outside every half an hour and we mostly get lucky and he is learning but he is pooping so often I'm not sure if he is well? How many times an hour can a puppy poop? At least he seems to know to do it on the floor that can be baby wiped and then antibacterial-ed rather than my new carpet, bless him! He's great at night, stays in his crate, sleeps, doesn't whine and holds it in but during the day he never stops! I've been googling about his breed a lot but all the sites presume you have the basic knowledge, I need absolute specifics, laymans terms, back to basics instructions having never owned my own dog before, only the family one when I was younger.

He has his first vaccination tomorrow, that should be fun, maybe I'll get my mum to hold him then he can blame it on her, any tips on anything puppy wise from dogs owners would be more than welcome!

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Still getting over the cold, still hating it, the weather was lovely today, we went to a car boot sale early (does everyone have those, like a yard sale only from the boot of your car in a large car park? Never sure if its just an english thing?) Just picked up some videos for Dumpling and a few toys for him, we got there a little late so all the good stuff was gone, you need to be there at dawn if you are serious about it. Was busy as first decent weather we have had in weeks. But was exhausted by the time we got back, mum offered to take dumpling for a few hours and Lolly was out spending her birthday money on cheap earrings, you could hang a parrot from the ones she bought...Tried to nap but it was the noisiest sunday afternoon ever, bin lids slamming, teenagers shrieking, dogs barking and then a car alarm went off and I live in a quiet neighbourhood! I guess the sunshine brought everyone out for the afternoon, pity I was trying to sleep off a high temp! Gave up in the end and watched re-runs of 'Frasier', until mum rang to say she was bringing dumpling home as he was upset and wanted me, strange, he usually will stay at grandmas for as long as he can, more sugar, less rules! Turns out mum had left the shed door open and it was creaking in the breeze! Scared him witless!

Friday, 6 July 2007

An annoying, feels like I breathed in gravel sort of cold, not enough snot to blow my nose or cough properly but enough to make me dry cough constantly, have a sore itchy throat (and ears) and the inside of my nose feels like its been sandpapered. I'm not good when I'm ill, I get irritable, I want everything done before I collapse on the sofa but I'm in no fit state to do it. My temp keeps going up and down, one minute I have the chills and then I'm sweating. I hate it, with two kids and another to look after plus the animals I cant take to my bed and sleep it off as much as the thought sounds heavenly.

Weather is still rubbish, its July and I'm wearing jeans jumper and welly boots, I should be wearing bikini and sunscreen! At least the eternal pouring of rain has stopped but its still not summer.

Saw a rat outside yesterday, it scuttled under a rabbit cage, spied on the area through the window and saw mummy, daddy and baby rat! I wont put traps out as its me that has to dispose of the remains, gross, and although I have put poison out, I dont like to because the the danger to the kids, rabbits and puppy and again if I find the dead rat its me to has to clear it up. So I've decided to chase them out, I'm moving all the cages around, using the outside vacuum cleaner a lot amd making as much noise and disturbance as possible in the hope they wont like it and will leave the garden.

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Nana Bettys funeral was on Monday. Unbeknown to me Dumplings father was attending. I haven't seen Lollys father in almost 14 years and Dumplings for 3 years and I have to see them both in 24 hours? I kept my big black sunglasses on and tried to avoid him, I thought his casual attitude and appearance was disrespectful and his girlfriend should have been slapped for spitting out her chewing gum and lighting a cigarette at the graveside. I stayed at the wake just long enough so as not to be rude and then got out of there. I'm glad I went to pay my respects to Betty and for her daughter, Dumplings nan but I hope I never have to see certain people again.

This has been a difficult week, thanks Maria, graceful and gracious is how I've tried to be, I think I'm managing it.

Nemo is doing what puppys do, at least it cured the children of leaving their stuff all over the floor, they dont want it chewed! Toilet training is getting there, hopefully will improve no end when we can walk him outside after his innoculations. Wish I still had my sling baby carrier, then I could take him out for a walk with me to get him used to the sights and sounds of the area, he came from a quiet cul-de-sac and is very sensitive to noise. Annexe neighbour goes to work at 6am which wakes him up which wakes me up so I'm very tired.

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8 of us went for pizza last night, 3 of us and five of them. To anyone watching we were just one big family, we chatted and laughed. I encouraged Lolly to go on the dance mats in the arcade with her dads wife (as she will be known, dont push it) I dont know how I feel, part of me is happy for Lolly and I'm relieved that his plans to support Lolly will mean that I'm not living hand to mouth worrying about it but another part of me feels defeated. Nothing we ever argued about has been resolved, I guess we just got tired of it and its different now we know each other for real. We're just ignoring the elephant in the room that is he knew I was pregnant and just left the country and never looked back. He went on to meet his wife, marry her and have children assuming that I had 'sorted' the situation he left behind. But its a long time ago, I dont feel any emotion towards him, good or bad. But a small part of me would like recognition that he was wrong to do what he did.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Sunday, 1 July 2007

OK!

Busy few days!

Lollys birthday was on Tuesday, it was lovely and we came home late in the evening, full of cake and happiness to find that Lollys father had emailed. I don't talk about it on the blog now seems a good time to start. Lolly had never met her dad, he left the country before she was born. I found his contact details about two years ago on the web, I had always known how to get into contact with him via some of his family if I had needed to, say for some genetic medical treatment if I wasn't suitable, but they didn't know about Lolly. She had started to ask questions and I thought she was of an age where she could handle it so I got in touch. He had married and had two boys (he has an older boy who lives near me too) Things didn't go very well as we tried to communicate by email. They took everything I said the wrong way and were on the attack verbally all the time. There were also long periods, months at a time when I wouldn't hear anything from them. But Lolly and her father began written contact through me by email and it had gone well, he promised many times to visit from UAE but could never make it.

But on Tuesday night he emailed to say he would be flying in in 48 hours. It threw us into a headspin, Lolly had an anxiety attack at school and I had to go and pick her up. They met for the first time yesterday, just me, Lolly and her father in a coffee shop and it went very well, Lolly was overwhelmed at first and cried a little but soon joined in our conversation as we talked about life in UAE, the weather etc. soon we were all laughing and you would never have known that 18 months of unpleasant emailing had preceded.

We met again today to buy her 13 years worth of birthday present and will all meet tomorrow for pizza.

Friday, 29 June 2007

Sunday, 24 June 2007

Have headache, my period and constipation, should wear that on a t-shirt so people know its dangerous to bother me!

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Washing machine has new parts, dad isn't fried and I did 5 loads in a day, now I just have to iron it all, am drying it all on a rack or hung up in the laundry room, then tumbling to fluff. Cant believe how much dirty washing we create!

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Saw Jon on Friday night, what a prat! Cant believe it was the same person, he behaved like a 15 year old boy all evening and declared on 5 different occasions that he wasn't gay, umm no one said you were, what are you getting defensive about? I've never met anyone quite so insecure and doing such an over the top job of overcompensating for it!

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It has rained and rained and rained here, complete waste of a day. Dumpling went swimming with his grandad and Lolly and I took up various slouchy positions around the house to watch dvds or tv or to read, only getting up to get a drink, something to eat and then finding some where else to lay down!

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My neighbour in the annexe paid me the the broadband rental, I couldn't get the pc to give me the code so I've left it unsecured, now its running slow, I guess the entire neighbourhood is running off my wireless now...

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Did you know frogs dissolve? We saw two frogs on our decking, one hopped away and we realised that the one who didn't wasn't going to! He's slowly dissolving in the rain, gross but I cant help but watch!

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I know hormones drive you crazy, but I think I am losing the plot, I was half way up the driveway on the way to get milk and bread from the corner shop when I realised that I didn't have my umbrella in my hand but Lolly's tennis racket in its cover...

Thursday, 21 June 2007

Been so busy, haven't had time to write any decent posts so lets catch up newsflash style!

I have a very sore throat, it itches and feels like I have something stuck in it.My washing machine has broken down. My dad came to check if it was the brushes that had worn away and forgot to turn it off at the mains. He got an electric shock but is fine. It blew the fuse box and took me half an hour to reset the pc's.Its Lollys 13th birthday next week. I feel old.Dumplings nanna (nana bettys daughter) rang to ask that I don't wear jeans to the funeral. Did she really think I was going to? I was the smartest person at dumplings grandpas funeral, just because I wear jeans in the day with the kids does not mean I would be so disrespectful as to wear them to a funeral. I'll put it down to grief and move on.Dumplings school was given six eggs to hatch and now they have six little chicks. Knowing I'm a soft touch and take in animals they asked me if I wanted them! Rabbits are one thing but chickens! I don't know the first thing about keeping chickens, don't have a chicken pen or run and am sure the foxes would have them on the first night!I took another long bus ride and walked for miles along some of the most beautiful coastline, blew the cobwebs away and was really enjoyable, caught some sun on my face which was protected by the spf in my face cream and makeup but my chest looks like its been blow torched. I have a wedding to attend in August and would like my tan to be vaguely equal when I wear a dress!Will have the pleasure of seeing Jon tomorrow night for the first time since we 'didnt' break up??? Am going to a goodbye party for Leighannes lodger and he will be there, going to look damn good and smile like crazy!

Monday, 18 June 2007

Dumplings great Nana Betty on his fathers side passed away last night. She had just celebrated her 95th birthday. Her funeral will be held here, she will be buried next to her husband who passed away some 30 years ago. Seems strange that we will be able to visit her grave more often than we visited her when she was alive.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

Have been neglecting the blog recently, my life feels a little bit tedious at times and I didn't want to write about it! However today was a good day, I have realised recently that I live in my own little bubble of comfort and don't stray outside it much. I go to the same places, shops etc and even my route within shops is the same, the older I get the more I like my habits but they do bore me sometimes!

So on Friday I decided that as I had an all week bus pass I would take the longest bus route to the last stop and have a look around! So I caught it to a town that I know the very centre of but have never been more than a mile of so from the bus stop in the centre. Its a very pretty town which is near countryside and water and just from walking out beyond the town I discovered a whole new world! I walked around a marsh area that has horses and cows living on and stopped to talk to an older couple who told me all about the area and where I could get to from here. I had heard of the places, they are only about 10 miles from where I live but I had never been there, I didn't know what I was missing, I have discovered an amazing area of countryside by the sea that just takes my breath away. Its so nice to go somewhere new, yet I can catch the bus from the top of my road to right there I now realise!

so today I set off with the children so show them, we walked a good deal of the way, Lolly and Dumpling have never walked so far in their lives but it was so much fun. Sadly I didn't take any photos, forgot my camera but we went on a land train and a ferry. Dumpling could barely contain his excitement when we walked up the jetty! But the funniest part of the day was catching a small ferry over s very small stretch of water and Dumpling exclaiming loudly as he disembarked "Wow, so this is what France looks like!" Umm, not quite...

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Wednesdays are Dumplings exercise days, football club followed by swimming lessons, he sleeps like a dream Wednesday nights, He actually doesn't even move position in his little red bed. These new football classes are good for him to learn something about football so he doesn't feel left out as he gets older as Lolly and I are not even aware of football, its amazing that something that is big in this part of the world can completely pass us by. They are good for him to learn to deal with failure, he was so spoilt growing up with much older children around him who thought it was cute to let him win everything.

The last part of the lesson involves the boys splitting into two teams and them each being numbered 1-5, when the coach shouts a number the two corresponding boys have to run and tackle each other for the ball and try and score. Dumpling and Louie are pretty evenly matched so round and round they went trying to get control of the ball, nearer and nearer to the wall (sports hall, rather than field) until they were both so concentrating on their feet that they hit the wall, Dumplings head bounced off the wall, into the side of Louie's head and I think back off the wall again. 5 secs passed, frozen in time as Dumpling registered the pain and began to howl. I ran down the steps 3 at a time from the balcony to be met at the door by the coach and red faced, sobbing Dumpling. The coach told me I could get an ice pack from the bar on the first floor, so with no thought for my back, I picked Dumpling up and ran up the stairs. His howling was so loud the ice pack wrapped in paper towels was waiting for me at the bar. "It hurts!!!!" Dumpling sobbed, the hospital is only a short walk from the sports centre and I considered taking him there but as he hadn't lost consciousness, been sick or have an open wound I didn't think they would do much. He eventually stopped crying after asking me many times whether it was bleeding,'"no of course not" I replied, ''you would see blood if it was, wouldn't you?" "But it feels like bleeding? "Then suddenly his face look horrified, "What if I banged my brain and I cant remember things?!" I tried not too smirk, my son watches too much tv "Oh no" he said "I think I'm forgetting things" I assured him that he was not suffering from amnesia and how about we go to the library for half an hour to sit quietly and read a story and if he felt ok then he could still go to his swimming lesson. After 20 minutes of playing with a stack of cushions that were supposed to be little seats but made great building blocks I declared his brain free of damage and a swim would be fine. I warned his teacher who looked at me like I crazy, "He banged his head playing football? Don't they do that every week?" She didn't see any reason why he shouldn't swim so off he went, I don't think he even remembered the bump to the head by the end of the lesson but then that could just be the amnesia.....

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Feeling more myself now, realised that my blues coincided with me running out of codliver oil/omega 3 tablets, have always thought they make me feel better brain wise, didn't bother to get any more till I next went food shopping, now I have them, normality has returned! Googled 'omega 3 + depression' this morning and guess what, I was right! Will keep stocked up and will also get some more B vitamin complex as recommended by Melanie.

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I visited the friend who drives me crazy last week, I give up, unless I have to I'm going to avoid meeting up, I cant bear the constant questioning and implied criticism about my life from someone who wont strap their baby into the highchair or pushchair because 'she doesn't like it'.

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My neighbour in the annexe asked if he paid half my broadband for the next six months in advance could he have the password to the wireless? Sure I said and let him have access, thanks he said and shut the door. Umm, the money? I'm too polite and afraid of conflict to remind him. I'll give him a few more days and mention it.

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Dumplings grandmother is in a coma. I don't think the doctors give any hope of her coming out of it. I've only met her 3 or 4 times, we didn't speak on the phone because she couldn't hear me. I sent her photos of Dumpling every month but wish I had sent more. I think I feel more sad for other people, cant figure out how I feel myself.

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I'm looking for part time work as baby Toms mum is taking extended maternity leave and doesn't need me for a while. I'm seriously missing the money, had to borrow some money off my credit card which is something I rarely do just to get through the week. I'm a qualified beauty therapist and even have a couch wrapped in plastic in the garden but I'm undecided as to whether to try to work from home again. My back may play up and the last time I put a pretty advert out there I had nothing but inappropriate calls of an entirely different nature, could have cleared my overdraft in an afternoon but that's really not my thing!!!

Monday, 11 June 2007

Feeling better in my head today, think yesterday was that hangover feeling I sometimes get after a migraine, takes me till its over to realise what it was.

Its hot and humid here today, was cloudy this morning so dressed for it and now have stripped off, think your self lucky this isnt on a webcam!

Am waiting to hear news of Dumplings great grandmother on his paternal side, she's 95 and has had a stroke. I know at 95 that the news might not be good but a small part of me holds out hope. She's such an amazing woman, even though Dumpling has only met her a few times as she lives so many 100's of miles away, I feel its a part of his life that he will miss.

My tummy is playing up with the pain medication and the other medication to undo its effects on my digestive system! Its all or nothing around here and lets just say I dare not pass wind!

Sunday, 10 June 2007

Migraine ruined yesterday. We went to a folk festival that's has become far too popular for the small town in which its held. The heat, noise and people soon got too much for my head. I took my prescription painkillers but my stomach had already gone into shutdown mode and they had no effect. They did however all kick in at once when I got home and I passed out on the sofa, heavily sedated, woke at 10 pm to find Lolly had cooked a simple tea and they had both gone to bed. Good kids really despite how I felt about them yesterday. As I've said before they pick on my mood and instead of realising that my fuse is very short when I have a pounding head they play up, dumpling especially. The whining reached an unprecedented level yesterday and I was ready to snap. Days out have become very difficult as the gender difference and age gap is so obvious now. Lolly moons around not enjoying anything Dumpling likes, he picks up on her mood and I feel like a failure because no one is enjoying themselves. We are caught in a trap of bad moods and a really tight budget isn't helping. I'm one step off depression at the moment. Solokiwimum tagged me for reasons why I love myself and I cant think of a damn thing to write! At least I recognise the warning signs and am hoping this will pass.

Friday, 8 June 2007

He is so lovely! He was getting changed when I got there (very advanced baby...!)and when he was dressed his mum just handed him straight to me! He stopped fussing and cuddled in, I felt so flattered! He is so cute, I was smitten! Can not wait till they want me to babysit!

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Baby Toms little brother arrived this morning safe and sound, 7 lbs 3 oz, yet to be named. We have yet to see what he looks like, we missed visiting hours by a few minutes and were spoken to very rudely by a member of the hospital staff who snatched the present and card off us to take to them without even asking who we were! Toms dad realised it was from us and came out to say thankyou, he looked very happy and relaxed! I will try and pop in tomorrow, I just want a glimpse of my new work load!

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Am in the process of trying to get through to my children that the reason I'm tired, grumpy and dont have time for them is because they create an enormous amount of mess, dont do what they are told, defy me and bicker with each other. The only time they behave and get their chores done is if I get incredibly angry and then they do it out of fear, usually with a wobbling bottom lip. I'm not going to go to much into this and my blood pressure rises and I feel close to tears but life in this house is not very happy-go-lucky at the moment.

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Pretty much back to myself. It was a very long half term with a very tight budget, bad weather and two kids who pick up on my mood and don't behave very well either. They are both back at school today and as much as we love each other I think we were sick of each other!

I've been quietly very worried about baby Toms mum and the new baby due in two days. She has many medical problems in the pregnancy sense and has a C-section booked Thursday. This will be her last baby, she has had many, many miscarriages and baby Jack was still-born a few years ago. I know she is in the best hands, has seen consultants in London throughout the pregnancy and been scanned endlessly so there isn't much they don't know or expect but I cant help but worry a lot and have been keeping it to myself so as not to worry Lolly or Dumpling.

I'm having a bit of pointless 'mommy guilt' at the moment, the house is a mess, but then whose isn't after a week of the kids being off? Like teenage girls are affected by pictures of models, I'm bothered by media images of clean kitchens with clean smiling children running through them, while gorgeous mummy looks on fondly...I KNOW ITS NOT LIKE THAT! My brain is battling either side of the arguement, I know images in adverts, magazines, tv programmes are not true and not real but I cant help but want that ideal. Have been gardening yesterday, got fed up in the end, my mum calls me the impatient gardener, I want it to look like something from 'Homes and Gardens' NOW !I'm happy being single but it seems a lot of older members of my friends and family are not, various relations and friends had heard either through me or the grapevine that I had been seeing Jon, seems a few bought hats too... They are all bitterly disappointed that I'm not seeing him any more. This is the trouble with being single for so long, one man comes along and they all jump on the 'Jenny's got a man' bandwagon, even my mum confessed she thought he might be 'the one' and fantasised about our wedding...our what? Do you see how much pressure I'm under here? I feel like I'm letting them down when they find out I 'let him go', I'm not bloody fishing here! It suggests that I'm not good enough till I bag a man, they seem to think I'm just coasting along till I meet a man, isn't my life good enough as it is? I don't know, but I don't like the way I feel about their reactions.

The flip side to that is that in my twenties men were beating a path to my door, I could pick and choose and enjoyed the attention but at 32 they are more likely to be looking at Lolly! Does it make sense that I don't want a relationship but I want men to want to have one with me?