Woo hoo! Tortellini night! I'm bloated and sleepy! Tomorrow, I will go to Hardees and eat a Monster Thick Burger. Then. Later. My terlit will be like a broken, beaten man.

WHAT WORKED-

- Carlito and Teddy Long talk about stuff. It isn't the Tough Enough shit so it works. Heidenreich with the J Crew sweater is fabulous- as if The House Of Love had a 6 foot 6 bass player. Oh wait, that's his straitjacket. That was kinda clever. Here here. This isn't a very good Smackdoon so far. I start padding NOW.

- Rey Rey and RVD take on Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki. Smackdown is sponsored by Subway. Suck my ass, Subway- tomorrow is the DAY OF THE MONSTER THICK BURGER! MY TERLIT WILL BE A SHADOW OF IT'S FORMER SELF! IT WILL WHIMPER LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! Tazz breaks kayfabe and all the ladies' hearts by talking about his Irish wife. RVD is edited quite a bit on offense. I like the goofiness of the Quadruple Legdrop. Rene is once again the best guy who can't actually do anything in the ring- as he leans into the post. Rey Rey flies onto Kenzo and we go to commercial. I think about love lost. I think about a certain batch of long beautiful hair and it reminds me.... I know, a lot of things that -You don't- you wanna hear some- She said, just give me something- Anything- Well give me all you got but not love.... Rene takes the rana from the top from Rey and this match is by far the best thing so far tonight. Rey gets cut off and Kenzo starts beating on him. Kenzo is fun on offense in a Yeah Sure He Sucks And Everything kind of way. He cuts Rey off again. Rene hits a nice standing dropkick. Cole drops Satahara O and Tazz cracks up. Kenzo hits a NICE knee drop. The crowd actually gives a shit and RVD is getting them riled up. Rey has a very intricate comeback with two things in the corner leading up to Rey countering a Suplex into a Bulldog. RVD tags in and he and the post-production editor maul Kenzo with kicks from three angles. They have a superfun nearfall section. RVD gets beat on and Rene bumps elaborately and beautifully to the floor. Rey and RVD get the PIN and oh... non-title. That was a good lil match. I'll take that to counteract the 40 minutes of festering shit that preceded it.

- Angle is wrestling folks from the audience. This is like the Johnny Valentine $10,000 challenge. Except Johnny Valentine would have shit in Carlito's gym bag by this point. And Valentine would have worked a million times stiffer with the enhancement talent and also sold more for him. This could lead to something fun.

- JBL and Orlando get on the stick. Hey, it's morning again in America. Are we still a shining city on the hill? JBL is the Micheal Jordan of Smackdown. JBL links his push to rise of the economy. He links his title run with the lack of terrorist attacks. JBL is the symbol of America. This is fucking GOLD. Booker T comes out. He's shaved and looks kinda like Lenny Kravitz' cousin Chuck. Booker T slanders Orlando I'm assuming because he's a meta-Republican. HEY! It'S EDDY! Is that a Falcon? Eddy reminds JBL of their history together. THE LIGHTS GO OUT! SABU!?!?! JAKE THE SNAKE?!?!?! Maaaaaaaaantaur??!?! Ah, it's just the fucking Undertaker. JBL is hilarious being faux scared. Teddy Long comes out. JBL says HOLLA HOLLA. I weep. A fatal fourway. Another PPV I shall not venture out to see. Ihear you can get them from NetFlix though. Schneider told me a while a ago that the Eddy- JBl bullrope match is the fucking biscuits. Let me kick it up the queue. There. (eh. JBL makes this work.)

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-- I'm bloated and sleepy and CENA is trying to get all real. He busts on Carlito's fro. I'm assuming that Carlito versus Cena will be as good as Adrian Byrd versus Sonny Trout. Well no, there is no one as good as Sonny Trout in this fight.

- Goddam. Will this Tough Enough shit ever end? Nope. Sorry. I'm not paying attention to this shit. I think I will try think up as many words as I can that I READ and KNOW but can't actually PRONOUNCE with certainty. There's "insouciance". "Meme". "Oaxaca". Let me check some lists. Ah, "demitasse". God, I suck at adopted French terms- "nonpareil". OOP REY REY! RVD is going to mack on his personal trainer? Rey, RVD and the new diva do some stretching. This show isn't really roaring out of the blocks. A commercial- THANK GOD.

- Heidenreich. Charlie Haas is pissed! Heidenreich folds his straitjacket very carefully because he's WEIRD! Or really neat. If he starts collecting his own feces in jars and starts labeling it, that would be another thing. Yes. Yes it would. Another thing all together. And it's a countout. I guess I should count my blessings that Heidenriech didn't actual get a chance to dazzle us with his Bryan Clarke '04 in-ring GRAPPLEstylings. Heidenreich assumes fetal position and I'm about to join him. A commercial- THANK GOD.

- We're back to the George Strait commercials which is a neutral commercial compared to the shit that replaced it for a few weeks. I'm SURE that if I heard all 50 hits, there would two or three songs that I would get to like. If I had time. But I have three kids, a dog, a cat and 6 month pregnacious wife. I can't begin think about that particular enterprise.

- Tazz and Cole try to get the Heidenreich nervous breakdown over with us rubes. Oh yeah. He's more over than a conjugal visit.

- No MicroTouch but all kindsa Bowflex. CAN BOWFLEX SHAVE THOSE SENSITIVE AREAS?!?! CAN BOWFLEX SHAVE YOU SO YOU CAN SHOW OFF THOSE rock HARD ABS? FUCK. NO. So fuck you, Bowflex. My beloved readers have huge swathes of hair all over the place that need tending to. What do YOU have to offer, Blowflex? More stinkiness. More trusses. More tears. You better just go away Blowfux. MicroTouch is coming back soon and it will stick it's MicroDick up your BowAss, Take it to the bank, motherfucker.

- Fuck. More of this Tough Enough shit. Jesus. I think I will turn the volume down and think about the MXC episodes coming on later tonight. Guy LaDouche... hahahahahahahahahaha! Aaahhh, that shit's great....

- Cena is pretty good at conveying the hate. Jesus is wearing comical lime green fireman pants. Carlito sells the shoulder well as Cena... hey, it's over. Cena in a squash. Postmatch, Jesus works on the kidneys. Cena feigns that he will be peeing blood, I guess. That match was a bit thin. Not even close to being as compelling as a Sonny Trout match. Cole uses his "THIS IS A SHOOT" low voice.

Originally posted by DEAN- Fuck. More of this Tough Enough shit. Jesus. I think I will turn the volume down and think about the MXC episodes coming on later tonight. Guy LaDouche... hahahahahahahahahaha! Aaahhh, that shit's great....

Actually, tape Hey! Spring of Trivia on SpikeTV; it's at 9/8c for an hour -- any show that can uncork the mystery of Mozart composing a symphony called "Lick my Ass" is gold. Hey! and MXC -- two hours of Japanese goodness.