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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My Kid is Either Gifted, Maniacal, or Possibly Both

I hate to even say this, but I think my daughter may be gifted. I know. I know. Saying you think your kid is gifted is the married with children equivalent of a bachelor saying “I think that stripper really liked me.” All your friends nod their heads at you and smile, but as soon as you leave to go back to the ATM they are laughing behind your back. Why do I think my daughter is gifted you didn’t ask? She uses reverse psychology and trickery.She’s like a maniacal, cute toddler Rumpelstiltskin. A maniacutoddlerstilskin. Say that a few times. It’s kind of fun. Ma-nia-cu-toddler-stilskin. See? Fun. But seriously, just talking to my daughter is a trap. She looks cute, and innocent, but she is only two and she knows exactly how to get what she wants. Example:“Shakamapooshees Daddy.”“What’s that honey?”“SMoopooshees!”“Smo..poo…shees? I don’t know what that means.”“Sheese.”“Oh! Cheese?”“OK!!! Yay!!!!!!!” And then she runs to the refrigerator. Do you see what she did there? The little shit pretended to not know how to pronounce “cheese” to trick me into saying it first. Then, when I’m at my most vulnerable, which is when I am reveling in my ability to interpret toddler gibberish, she takes advantage of my good nature and tricks me into giving her string cheese. And I never see it coming. She uses this technique every day – and not just for food! She gets whatever she wants, not by asking for it, but by tricking me into offering it. I’m sure this skill will serve her well later in life, but for now I’m just avoiding talking to her before she somehow gets my car keys. On to the next example…She knows all of her letters and sounds. This was really really cool at first. Remember how a long time ago I mentioned that my daughter and I used to sing the ABC’s in our short car rides to Grandma’s house? Well, she doesn’t need my help now. She powers right through them. She even gets the LMNOP part right. I don’t even get the LMNOP part right. I just pretend to and mumble my way through it the same way I do during the parts of the National Anthem I don’t know. “OH SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE MMMhmmmMMMM LIGHT!!”I digress. Letters. She knows them, which is awesome and great, but now she wants to spell every word in every book we read. This has actually caused us to move backwards on our reading list because I don’t have two hours to read "Are You My Mother?" every night before bed. So we’re back to books with one or two words per page like "Go, Dog. Go!".

And finally… numbers. She’s got them up to 30, which is great until you are behind her going up a set of stairs carrying something heavy. She has to stop on every single one and count it. We have twelve by the way. We also have three doors in the basement, four throw pillows, two windows and one "amooonaman" (Ottoman). So there you go. Gifted. Or, if you consult Dr. Google like I unfortunately did, she is either autistic or has early onset schizophrenia. Dammit Dr. Google. You’re the worst doctor ever. Anyway, I doubt it’s either of those, and she’s probably not “gifted” either. Every kid goes at their own pace. My kid may know her numbers, colors, ABC’s and advanced CIA Interrogation techniques, but she can’t run to save her life. And if she tries to throw a ball it actually goes backwards. And maybe I’m just seeing things that aren’t there while my peers laugh at my naiveté. Oh well, better my kid than a stripper. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Love, Dad P.S. Here's one more piece of video evidence.

Ahhhh I remember back to when my daughter was two and a half-three and we used to read her this book "Room on the broom" a lengthy poem style read. Being her favourite we read it most nights and soon, although she couldn't read, she recited this book word perfect. Well, I started silently gloating about my child's bright future! School would be a breeze with such retaining skills....Hmmmm perhaps I should order some brochures on those villas in the South of France. No doubt with her disposable income as a neurosurgeon/ rocket scientist, she would love to buy her mum a retirement villa....Paying cash of course! (Insert record scratch) Fast forward to now, my gifted child is 13 I am barely able to get out of her what she learned that day at school. Alas, she has not used those memory skills in quite the way I envisioned.....Currently I see her job prospects as less neurosurgeon more under study to the boy band One Direction. Bless, she can recite their lyrics in her sleep, and what "Louis" likes in a girl......sigh!So I have hidden away those Villa brochures and become more realistic...Perhaps something a little closer to home......and not so much a villa as a time-share caravan?!?!

My daughter will never love boy bands. NEVER!!! She will like Pink Floyd and The Ramones. And she will be a genius. And she will always love me and never yell at me. Ever. Now excuse me, I have a lunch appointment with Big Foot.

Having just been there to visit and experiencing much delight when I could finally figure out that word she was saying (felt like I won a game) - I can vouch for the "tricking" tactic . . . . as soon as I got it, she would happily say, "Okay!!" as if I had just had the bright idea to offer her whatever it was and she was ready to reward me by taking me up on my offer. What a kid.

I know someone who teaches at a school where some year 1 and 2 student's can't do this. Regardless of whether or not she's gifted, you seem to be doing an awesome job at giving her as much advantage as possible!