Bye bye placebo – in English

That was a status update by an ex that I dated the longest and I was like WHAT???

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To those who do not know or maybe first time reader of my blog, I’ll take my sweet time explaining why am I acting like a psycho by doing things like stalking his online profile. Although it’s facebook, although it’s 20th century, stalking is never a healthy behavior so I won’t mind if anyone were to said that I am a stalker. Well, I didn’t visit his profile that much so let just settle with me being normal for occasionally missing him and ended up stalking him.

A few month before, we were having what people call “tear jerking break up phase”. We was insisting on walking together even though doing so seems so impossible. More like he was insisting and I haven’t find another man who can get me serious so I just go along with him. We were having a chat since I insisted on not picking up his call. Somehow or another, I ended up asking him: “Do you love me? When did you stop..?”. IDK, it just feel like he doesn’t love me. Maybe he does but in a form that is way too different with my expectation. To my surprise, he reply: “..till I die”. I never expect him to say such word so I was really sad. I mean, really sad. He was the only flickering light in my life, a luxury that never come twice in my life. At that moment, we were forced to have a clean break. I was robbed a very precious, very dear belonging I ever have.

A forced break up huh? Yeah. I was having a cold war with my parent over their desire to have me getting married. It was unbearable since mom and dad act like they were blind about my feeling and just accept any possible man who want to have me as his wife. I was really really sad that if god were to take me to His side, not even my sin scare me anymore. I did afraid of His wrath if I were to die, but at that moment I could’ve care less. If dying mean having a stop to that never ending cruel treatment, I’ll gladly embrace death. I were really really hungry for attention and love. Yeah, I know. I know you are about to complain that I have always crave for love and attention, I am still. Fortunately, the degree of those need is no longer as much as that period. I was longing so much for an oasis. I feel so dry and empty inside that I no longer care to reach for a helping hand.

Contrary to what I “thought” I feels, I find myself making motion of people asking for help. I tried so hard to hide those sign and mask it with every bit of gesture of happiness. Tearing myself from my placebo is totally out of question. We never agreed on getting back together (more like I refused to do so), but we always stand on place where each other would definitely within our reach. It even makes me question our culture of having a platonic relationship. Not that I am suggesting that sex before marriage is a good thing, but more to questioning the benefit of being “in relationship” itself. Call me wild but I find having male best friends much more convenient. I can have more that one man to spoil me, to act like a stand in lover and to listen to me. My point is, isn’t platonic relationship doesn’t differ much with that of friendship? Isn’t that why people said that there are no such thing as friendship between gender?

I have a few “close friend”. Some are friends and some are exes. It suit me to have them around rather than having a boyfriend that need me to babysit him. If I were feeling sad and needing someone to listen to me and respond wisely, I’ll run to Q. If I were feeling lonely and need someone to spoil me rotten, I’ll run to R. If I were feeling really sad and need someone who can synchronize with my feeling, I’ll go to P. Lastly if I were just tired and need comfort that I can’t describe, I’ll run to F – my placebo. Every one of them tires me when I get too involved but if I am to focused on their best trait, things are great. In fact, it’s perfect, I tell you.

Its great not having to deal with a person and clean up all his mess plus having your world revolved around him. Its great to keep things light and start drawing a line once one is too deep. I need my placebo, so I keep on ended up getting too involved. Although he doesn’t mind – happy even, I do. I do not want him as a future husband. How do I describe it…? He is a good guy but just not a husband material for me. We are too different both in our value and attitude, so it just can’t happen. You know a saying that the best thing you can ever find in a man is his value? That’s the problem, he has no value. Not about money, but about his attitude. I hate his way of dealing with things and the fact that I am superior than him in almost every aspect. I swore that I want to respect my man but that would be hard with someone whom I find doesn’t have a value. Simple, what I want is a man who can see the same picture that I see and capable to balance his logic and feeling. Yeah, yeah, that’s a rare specimen but I can at least hope for it, can’t I?

At that moment, since it’s finally clear to both of us that we might never ended up together, we decided to have a clean break up. It sadden me. I need him the most at the moment, but if I were to follow my feeling I’m afraid of the pain inflicted if we ended up indulging our feeling toward each other yet forced to be separated anyway. I thank god for letting logic rule me. I thank god for giving me courage to close the only escape door I ever had. I summoned all of my strength to say goodbye. In the end, I get stronger. The best news, the trend of longing him whenever I am suffocating is declining. I am even confident that I no longer think of him as my placebo. But!

But.

But, he just have to write that kind of status update. It makes me think of him as a brave – or idiot – different man for publicly asking a girl I do not know to be his wife. Well, they kinda suit together given that they were going to the same college and hanging out together a lot – a group of a gang. They seem to be quite close even at those time when his eyes were only on me so I was kind of “I knew it, it’s her”. But he was proposing to her, on facebook even! That was so brave! And romantic! What the hell? He was never a brave man when he was with me!! None of those perfect man remain perfect once they go out with me. Do I have some kind of curse??? *hissing*

…brave? Wait. My brain press a pause switch for a while. I started to wonder and read up all the comment on that status update. Turn out that he wrote that status update after getting an okay beforehand when he propose to her on phone. Yeah, on phone. THAT wasn’t romantic at all, cowardice if I can say. WHY ON PHONE? Then I can’t help but laugh when he said that the girl agreed on getting married in 3 years. Seriously?? I am not into marriage but I have marriage in mind next year. He is older than me by 1 year, so in three year he’s going to be 29. Kinda a bit old in our culture. Not to mention that she is going to be 28 by then.

Okay, let’s not comment on their plan of getting married which is way too far in the future, the fact that he wrote that status update prove that he is the same man – never think much of anything. It’s veryyy common that a man or a woman doesn’t marry their lover even after a long history of platonic relationship. I even knew someone who break up their 8 years relationship to marry a guy her parent choose. Is it right to publicly tell others about such stuff when it’s still too undecided? When he is with me, he never pull that stunt since I hate PDA – Public Display of Affection – so bad. Seems like he never change -.-

Now that I knew he is not a different man I am feeling less sadness by his proposal to his new girl. If he is still the same, he will never become a lover in my heart anyway. But to be honest, I still kind of sad that my toy find a new owner *evilheart*