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I seemed to of pushed my men to the brink this weekend and don't know how to come back from it. I don't know if I did that or if they were already there. I suspect a bit of both.

PN was a mess yesterday before and after a discussion about the responsibility of our garden and how it is expected to be done and every year. Its like pulling teeth to get it done. The discussion led to other things on his mind. Mostly about his not getting his need to write more (among other things). We had it out until he came to a conclusion that left him happy and me emotionally exhausted, but content that we came away with something positive.

Our discussions influenced Mono who doesn't like our fighting I am sure. He bases a lot of his feelings of reassurance about what we have in our family on how PN and I are doing I think. Far more than he needs to. I think he has been feeling weighed down by all of us and not getting enough independence lately. He is not interested in helping out in the garden either (among other things) and resents that I even bring it up. Lately he seems to resent everything I do from needing to vent about something to even existing in his presents. Even asking him if I should go, if I should stay, what he wants me to do, where I should be is irritating to him it seems like. I seem to get eye rolls over everything I do lately.

Last night we went to visit some friends for a quiet drink and a chat. I went home at 1 after Mono said he wanted to stay the night. I was hurt and disappointed that he wanted to stay as it used to be that he wanted to spend every moment with me. I understood that he needed to spend time on his own and be independent so I left with that in mind and headed home.

I ended up not sleeping until well passed 4 due to my disappointment and sadness. I know it was silly. He is grown man and I never said he had to be by my side all the time. I guess I was just surprised. I don't do well with plans being changed and spontaneous to that level and transitioning to something different than what I expect to happen is hard for me. I lay there and realized that this was MY thing and for ME to get over until I fell asleep.

This morning we had an interview with a journalist of a magazine. We had arranged this time due to time changes and because it was the only opportunity for awhile to get us all in one place. Mono didn't show; even though he said he would be home by then. To me its a sign of the future. I have discovered that I need to do things on my own and stop expecting and relying on anyone doing things with me. I live in a house of independent people. I will be also and not expect that we do anything together any more.

Having three partners does not mean that I will always have someone by my side. In fact I had the experience of having someone by my side more often when I was monogamous. Having many partners does not mean things get done around the house. It does mean that when I need support I get a lot, but when it comes to giving it to all at once I have to give three times as much energy. Most of the time I am giving three times as much energy to all of them than I get in return even if I am receiving a lot also. Its more of everything. I ask for more and I receive more and I give more. Huge amounts come and go from me and into me. It overwhelms me most of the time.

This winter has brought changes that I didn't expect. I'm exhausted by them. Exhausted deep inside of me. I don't think I can continue on with this actually. I really think that I might just lose my mind. The more I am unable to cope, the more I feel what I have built slip away. I don't have the capacity to hold it together any more. The responsibility has become too large. I love my life and all my loves, but with PN going through stuff, Mono going through stuff and feeling like I have no idea what is going on for Derby at all.... as she doesn't say much... I have nothing left for me.

Someone told me that they see me as the emotional caretaker of the community this last week. She saw that I was vulnerable emotionally in a moment where I expressed what I was afraid of and why I find it hard to trust sometimes. Apparently I am not suppose to be the one that is on the verge of crumbling as I am seen as the solid pillar of strength for a lot of people. Well, I'm not. I never have been. Right now I am certainly not in a position to be a pillar for anyone, yet its expected from everyone and people come looking for me for that strength.

I was hoping for some rest this weekend. Or at least some work done that doesn't require emotional energy. I used up my physical and emotional energy. I am starting a work week more drained than I feel at the end of a work week.

I'm going to Vegas at the end of this week. Three nights left until I go. I might not come back. Running away seems about the best option right now as I am afraid to stay here.

Oh ms. red, I'm so sorry you're feeling all drained. I, myself, love the running away fantasy. I always fantasize about running away to San Diego (though Hawaii would be better) where I would never need a coat.

I bet you can get some renewal and rest in Vegas, and I bet you can get through three more days.

hang in...

__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)

I wonder if your being a hinge between the men, or your being a woman, might have an effect so that you may easily become the one who gets the responsibility of things getting done, like the garden? I also wonder, since it seemed that it used to be that Mono was very helpful in the beginning of the co-habitation, if he felt he needed to "earn" the right to live there with you all, and now that he maybe feels more like he has the right, he feels he doesn't need to participate as much? Additionally, could the feelings of tiredness be a sign that you need better boundaries, in order to not give more energy than you are able to? Maybe you won't be able to give as much when you're going through stuff yourself.

Just some thoughts I had, I don't know if true in any way so take it or leave it. Take care.

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time, Redpepper. I will tell you the same thing that I tell Wendigo and Runic Wolf when they are going through something that I can't fathom or heal the hurt from. I wish that I know he magic words to erase all the pain you're in; to restore your sense of balance and self; but I don't. I'm not sure such a thing exists, but I'm here if you need me.

With Runic Wolf's depression and Wendigo's living situation, there are often times when I feel overwhelmed by giving them all that I have and realizing that it isn't enough to keep a smile on their faces. It physically hurts for me to see the people I care about hurting; ah the problems of being an empath; so at times I need to withdraw myself from a situation where I feel like I'm not helping and maybe your loves are doing that as well. They rallied to your side when you needed them, but even combined, it wasn't enough to heal your hurt and restore you to the Redpepper they love.

Perhaps they are lost and confused as to what to do and need to take some time and space for themselves as well so that they don't get sucked into the feeling of frustration and hurt at not being able to "fix" you. I know that I get that way sometimes. I blame myself for not being able to make it right for them, though I didn't make it wrong in the first place. Just some food for thought. PM me if you need to talk.

I tend to be more of a taker of emotional energy than someone who gives it out. I've become more aware of this over time and I now consciously work on not being only a taker and not a giver. Beaker is more like you - she is a natural giver of energy, an empath, and someone who likes helping people through emotional support. I had to learn to give more, and do so consciously, so I did not drain her. She had to learn to pull back and give less. Most of the time we did ok with this but it was always something we needed to deal with.

It's perhaps time to give less. Prioritize you and your needs. This will be hard, on you and on your loves. Especially for your men, you are their foundation. But you need to be shaky right now in order to grow and figure this hard patch out. (And it will pass.) They need to be more of their own foundations now as well as figure out how to send you more support so you can rebuild and eventually not be shaky.

Consider also that they may not fully know how to recharge you emotionally. I didn't. Or they may be sending you energy and supporting you in ways that you may not see, or in ways that just don't work for you. I had to figure out how to be less draining and give more as Beaker wasn't getting what she needed. Your loves adore you - I am sure they would work with you to rebalance yourself and your relationships.

The trip away sounds like a good idea; there are many many times I wish I could just go be somewhere else for a while, to centre myself, to listen to nothing but air, to recharge and regain the energy to revamp.

I hope it does everything for you that it needs to. Just remember to breathe, and pace, and invoke as much calm as you possibly can in the meantime. If you need to just stop for a minute, then do it.

RP, you say that you feel like you are someone that a lot of folks look up to when it comes to poly and life. I think that is true. However, the fact that you are willing to express some of what you are going through right now for others to see shows that even the folks that we look up to have issues and are not some utopian vision of what a particular life should be. Don't be afraid to let them see that you are human and have these rough times too.

It's sounding to me like the synergistic energies that you used to have aren't really felt by you any more - if anything, it sounds like you feel that for each of your, life together is more a matter of finding compromises (1+1+1 = 0.75) rather than finding energy from each other (1+1+1 = 4).

For me (and I'm speaking from my own paradigms here) - I don't do well when I feel things are fractured - I need to feel like everyone involved is working to support a common goal or set of goals. When that starts breaking down, I feel the need to try to refocus us all, to maybe review the goals so that we can all get enthusiastically behind them again.

I find it easy to get bogged down in the various aspects of my life - and sometimes those become things that pull me aware from the Core - the things I value the most - I'm sure it happens to everyone in one form or another. Sometimes we all just need some reminders of what our priorities are, you know?

I really feel for you.

__________________

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