Experienced journalists fearlessly reporting the truth in pursuit of the real story

Friday, December 08, 2006

Starting January 1 The Iraq War Never Happened

Washington, D.C. - In a stunning turnabout meant to nullify the loss of the Iraq War and restore American prestige, President Bush has decided to adapt a brilliant new strategy developed by the same neoconservatives who first advocated the invasion of Iraq. The authors of the plan, who include Vice President Dick Cheney, say that it is simple, easy to accomplish and revolves around one central tenet, a new beginning.

Effective at 2:00 a.m. local time on January 1, 2007 the United States will implement what will henceforth be known as Iraq Saving Time. On that date, all residents of the United States will be required to set their calendars back four years to January 1, 2003, more than two months before the start of the Iraq War.

On the first day of Iraq Saving Time, President Bush will address the nation to say that he is pouring more troops into Afghanistan to make certain that Osama Bin Laden is captured and that the Taliban are completely defeated thus ensuring that Afghanistan becomes a secure and stable country. The President will also state that UN weapons inspectors in Iraq are doing a thorough job at keeping Saddam Hussein in check and that there will be no invasion of Iraq since Iraq has nothing to do with the war on terror.

As a result of the new Iraq Saving Time, the Democratic takeover of Congress will also be nullified, President Bush's approval ratings will return to stratospheric levels and Pluto will still be a planet. However, the price of gas will remain at present levels and Vice President Dick Cheney will still shoot his friend in the face.

The White House today announced a new strategy for the conflict in Iraq, named The Great Leap Backward. In addition to instituting Iraq Saving Time (Assimilated Press, 12/08/06), the White House identified several other, previously unknown, facets of this program.

Under The Great Leap Backward all equal opportunity laws will be nullified, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will be disbanded as will be the Environmental Protection Agency, the Social Security Administration, the National Weather Service, the National Science Foundation and all National Parks programs.

Some Congressional Democrats have questioned if the President has the authority to make these changes. According to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales Congress itself authorized "the President to do what is necessary to fight the war on terror," and therefore there is no conflict with separation of powers.

"Under The Great Leap Backward the evil barking of the running dogs of liberalism will be silenced," asserted Tony Snow, White House press spokesman. "Intellectual freedom will be established as alternative views of how God created the universe will be taught in our schools, and the Supreme Court will have nine white men as the Creator intended."

When questioned about any impact on civil liberties Mr. Snow replied, "The Decider knows what is best for all of us so that the people do not need to worry needlessly. The Decider selflessly takes this burden upon his shoulders so that the people can rest easy, which leaves the people at liberty to tend to their families. What greater liberty can anyone ask?"

Halliburton has been awarded the no-bid contract to construct "Happiness Houses" as new living quarters of all enemies of the state.

Speaking of The Great Leap Backward a senior administration official offered the opinion, "This is what we meant when we said 'we create our own reality'."

Pinko, NINE white male SCOTUS members? That hardly seems fair. Well if that is the case, then I should hope that as a reward for his loyal service, Clarence is rewarded with a possition as one of the house n*****s, rather than being required to do any field work, it only seems fair.