Thursday, January 31, 2013

You Know, Back When I Was Your Age...

("That's one small step for man...")

I have a confession to make:

("I'm all ears," Oprah yawns.)

Remember when I said I was afraid of doing an accidental triathlon? Well, I've already done one. Actually, more than one. See, back when I lived in Brooklyn, sometimes I'd ride to the beach, then when I'd get there I'd run a little bit, and then I'd jump in the ocean to cool down, and then I'd ride home again.

I feel so dirty--and a little sandy in the scranal region, too.

Anyway, if anybody wants to form some sort of truth and reconciliation committee I'll be the first one through the door, though I'll probably fall down on the way there, because that's what triathletes do.

I'm not sure Bret is the best person to be giving advice on interval training, since he travels through time, and his typical workout consists of five sets of eighteen years, and his lactate threshold is eternity. Here is GoPro footage of a Bret interval, shot from his handlebars:

The camera is left behind because he is faster than light.

(It probably won't surprise you to learn that I went to a state university, where I majored in English, and the only physics class I ever took there came on a small piece of blotter paper.)

I can remember a time when anti-bike lane screeds were torpid with vitriol, but now they're just limp and perfunctory, like a drunk attempting coitus. This particular one seems especially phoned in--and on one of those old-timey phones, no less:

When I was a kid, I built my first bike from assorted discarded parts mined from the wood bins of our tenement in Brooklyn. It looked like Bozo the Clown’s bike. But I taught myself to ride in Prospect Park, taking several hard falls long before bike helmets were even made, never mind made mandatory.

I don't believe for a second that Pete Hamill's brother built a bike from crap he found in the basement. However, I do believe he inhaled too much paint thinner down there and galloped around the neighborhood astride a broom, and that he thought he had built a bike. I suppose in that sense he can be forgiven for the fib. In any case, the paint thinner and the helmentless falls would go a long way towards explaining the rest of the article.

Soon I was hired as a butcher’s delivery boy, and I pushed an industrial bike with a basket sometimes filled with more than 100 pounds of meat to homes from Flatbush Ave. to Green-Wood Cemetery.I discovered a lifelong work ethic on that bike. I fought for my place in my city in the clanking, horn-blaring urban traffic. We didn’t need no stinking bicycle lanes. We blazed our own trails.

Firstly, Mario Cipollini owns the phrase "One Hundred Pounds Of Meat," and Pete Hamill's brother can expect to hear from his lawyers any day now. Secondly, did any of these "epic" meat runs happen to occur during blizzards--those same blizzards through which he had to walk 14 miles to school every day while carrying the entire Encyclopedia Britannica? I'm guessing so. Of course, it is worth noting that part of the reason he didn't need any stinking bike lanes is that people were more considerate in those days, there were fewer cars, and it's simply not as deadly to get hit by a Model T or a horse and buggy.

Anyway, I was driving my car recently along Prospect Park West, once a majestic three-lane, mile-long esplanade from one war memorial to the other. Now it’s like squeezing yourself through a crinkled tube of toothpaste.

No it isn't. I think he's confused and is actually describing how it feels when he tries to urinate. I would suggest Flomax.

The yuppie-ki-yay bike lane, where kids dressed like hockey goalies pedal in a danger-free fantasy lane, has literally painted car traffic into two lanes.

Dressed like hockey goalies? What the hell is he talking about?!? In Brooklyn, they're dressed like Audrey Hepburn--unless he just happened to see some kids who were actually riding to a hockey game, which is entirely possible.

If you hit the lottery and see 10 feet of free space in the parking lane, you can no longer use the curb to guide your parallel parking. No, the curb is reserved as a barrier reef for the Hipster Highway for Richie Rich on his $1,500 Lance Armstrong Doperacer.

OK, so far he's referenced Bozo the Clown and Richie Rich, and his most up-to-date reference is Lance Armstrong. Plus, if he can't park his car without a curb, he's cleary one of those drivers who parallel parks like a drunk attempting coitus (yes, I recycle my similies, it's better for the environment). We've all watched in amusement as people like this approach a space at a wild angle, pinch the tire on the curb, try it again, grind their rim, and keep repeating the process until they eventually give up and drive away. It's pretty obvious at this point that Pete Hamill's brother should have moved to Florida ten years ago, where he can impress the retirees with his fresh pop cultural references and tall tales of meat delivery.

News flash: Life ain’t a smooth sail, kiddos! There’s a big crash just waiting at the end of every bike lane.

I don't know who is more annoying: the New Brooklynites who are making the place ridiculously expensive with their precious tastes, or the Old Brooklynites who who won't shut up about how people don't play stickball anymore. Either way, this certainly falls under the latter category, and it's worth noting that Pete Hamill's brother wrote the movie "Turk 182."

Way to ruin Timothy Hutton's career.

He also wrote "Critical Condition:"

I think that speaks for itself, and the ultimate irony is that after reading Pete Hamill's article, hundreds of precious New Brooklynites are going to start shopping for vintage meat bikes.

Little Zelda started a counter-petition of its own to support the racks, posting it both in the store and online, and has more than 230 signatures online so far. But while Nugent-Miller collected her signatures among local residents and businesses, the pro-corral online petition includes supporters from places like Romania, Turkey, Netherlands and the Czech Republic — none of which are in biking distance of Crown Heights.

here in chiggentown usa we gots a plan to take a four lane through downtown and make it a two lane wif parking anda bikeen lane. I'm sure the eloquent hard-hitting local writers and Hammils and Fords are just around the corner with their 'back in my day' bitching.

Didn't want to podium, wanted to be smug and read blog and comments first. Having bike lane envy issues myself, as I have to ride Bama Road Scranus for bike lane,you know, the scrap of asphalt between the white stripe and the edge of asphalt.

I absolutely believe that he built a bike from crap he found in the basement, asuming he found a bike down there...when I was a youngun I "built" a chopper by dragging a rusting frame I found in the creek in the woods, sawing off the hollow fork tubes and pounding them onto the ends of the fork on my Huffy banana seat bike with a hammer. Then I went inside and watched Turk 182...

And then Denis got a job delivering turds in a daily paper, and they all lived happily ever after, except for the drivers who are still stuck in Prospect Park because their 3 lanes got cut down to 2, woe is they.

His bio says "Culturally, he is a true son of what might be called the Woodstock Generation, a product of a time of youthful protests against the Vietnam War, of Dylan, the Stones and Jimi Hendrix. In his novels, and some of his journalism, he draws upon that turbulent era of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll."

Culturally he sounds more like a true son of what might be called the John Cassidy Generation, a product of a time of middle-aged protests against the decline of free parking.

Mr. Bike Snob, Werksman bicycles in NYC builds cruisers and Industrial bikes to haul all kinds of meat. Again, bikes built in NYC to haul, well whatever you like. And they also build, tri cicles, folding bikes, and God's gift to the cycling world; dutch bikes.

Food in road safety ads is an old tradition in Britain. Here for example is our most successful paedophile, Jimmy Savile, demonstrating why eggs need seat belts, back in the days when everything was brown.

You know, textile and sex-monster issues aside, that's a pretty good PSA: respects the audience by illustrating the issue in an informative but accessible way.

I think these days, these sorts of things are just playgrounds for ad agency creative people to show off in the name of pro bono, without worrying too much about whether the striking images get useful information to people.

Denis Hammill. What a lying sack of shit. Nothing's worse than people who invent some tale that entitles them to have an opinion. Built a bike from parts in his basement...give me a fucking break. This type of goon just fucks up everything good happening in the city. He's why there is a completely shitty diner on every corner that has never gone out of business, even though the food straight up sucks..."It's good enough for ME!!!" Nothing should change unless it involves more parking. Just the archetypal "old school" New York guy who complains about not being able to find parking when he drives into Manhattan. You know he's really just afraid to take the train but won't admit it. Really, the only thing slowing you down are traffic lights and other cars. Any time I drive in the city, it's usually a fucking carriage or double parked truck that's in my way. How fucking hard is it to go around a bike? pretend somebody's getting out of their car and you have to momentarily tap your brake and swerve 4 degrees out of your way if it makes you feel better. Jesus, these people suck!!!! Fucking move to Long Island already. Although you might see some bikes there too. (Sorry about the humorless rant)

So recumbent babe has abandoned her Gowanus Canal neighborhood and moved to Vancouver. When she engages in adult recreational entertainment she screams "Oh, Oh, Oh Canada". She lives one floor up from Babble on and when their both engaged at the same time their partners think there's an echo.

I love how they are using the Bret photo in Triathlete magazine. Of all people, you'd think that the the photo editors at Triathlete would know that no self respecting triathlete (I know, contradiction in terms) would be caught dead riding a bike while wearing a t-shirt. And if a triathlete was riding in a t-shirt, they would at least have to cut the sleeves off. I am not even going to mention how unfashionable Bret's bike would be to the modern triathlete.

The worst part of that London video is the eggs flying through the air. Here the chicken has been ovulating and everything and, well, watch the video and you'll the end of all of that chicken's hard work.

Correction: The worst part of that London Video is the eggs flying through the air. Here the chicken ghas been ovulating and all, and, watch the video and you'll see what happens to all of that chicken's hard work.

...a bartender buddy of mine & his girl just moved back to nyc yesterday (lower east side - old alphabet city) & so i thought i'd 'zing' him this morning...

...i texted him about how beautiful, sunny & warm it was here today & his response was - "...it's awesome back here in nyc...diverse in people & culture, great food anytime & the best transportation ever & did i mention they tip really well here (bartender humor)...lol..."...

Hmm. Ragbrai overnight towns released and Fairfield is one of them. Home of Marharishi University.I'm thinking Team WRM, all the commenters come along, get Bicycling magazine to pay for a motor home for the week, let Babble and Frilly sleep in the air conditioned comfort while the others camp under the stars.We can hang with David Lynch in Fairfield.

Bikes gone wild - How much would that "coverage" cost? Whatever, worth every penny. On Kickstarter you get rewards depending the amount you give. Would the highest reward, per chance, per hope, be "some kind" of video?

DB--I'm down for that. Seriously thinking about doing Ragbrai this year. If I'm gonna be cycling through corn fields for five (?) days, I can't think of better company than all of you! Yes, I really did just say that.

Frilly: as a Ragbrai veteran, I gotta let you know that this route isn't the best and if you wait til next year I'm pretty sure it will be a northern route with more fun towns. Only downside on waiting is that it gets hotter every year.Whatever Snob wants to do is okay by me.

...it's a done deal...my insurance agent pat magroin has offered me a tri-coverage deal that pays out at 3.5 million & includes the 'prime assets' of babbles, frilly & recumbebabe (with or without her maple leafs)...

...in lieu of cash payments, he's willing to accept photos of the aforesaid 'prime assets' & all transactions are to be handled through yours truly...

...ladies, please send me those photos of your as of now uncovered assets immediately...

This article contains just a passing reference to bicycles, but it's in a very likable sentence, "Politicians are vilified if they get off their bicycles and into official limousines." http://www.economist.com/news/leaders/21571136-politicians-both-right-and-left-could-learn-nordic-countries-next-supermodel

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!