It was a brisk Friday and I indulged the boys in a trip to
Chipotle. I like taking them to Chipotle because I get to take them to the neighboring
frozen custard shop for dessert. I also get to talk to them about E. Coli.

I immediately went into Evanston Dad Mode. “Buddy. That…WORD…is
not cool. It’s not a word we ever use. Some people use it to talk about people
who are disabled. I mean, differently abled. We never, ever say it. It’s almost
as bad as the N-word.”

Uh oh. What did I do?

“Wait. What is the N-word?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Forget I said anything. Say, do I
detect a little E. Coli in this sour cream?”

Then Luca said, “Is it (a guess that was wayyyy too close to
the actual word)?”

“Stop talking,” I said very loudly. This got the attention
of a nice group of young men at a nearby table. A group of young men who would
be particularly offended by the use of the N-Word.

Luca then made another guess at the word, he almost hit the
bullseye.

I leaned over to him and did my best angry dad whisper. “If
you continue guessing, I will take away your screens for a month. And…and…and…no
frozen custard!”

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Luca lost his first tooth! There is nothing that can drag
you out of thinking the world is going to hell in a hand basket like a six year
old showing you a tiny, off white little tusk and telling you the tale.

"I thought I threw up some pretzel with no goopy part so I decided to just eat it but when I bit into the pretzel it was hard. It was my tooth!"

And then we began the game. Luca knows there is no Tooth
Fairy. We know he knows there is no Tooth Fairy. But if you want to receive,
you have to believe. And when Luca wants to convince us he believes in
something to get money, he adopts a little baby voice.

“Can I wite a wedder to da Toof Fairy to see if she’ll wet
me haf my toof?”

I swallowed a tiny bit of irritation and said of course.
Luca also suggested that since this was his first lost tooth, he should get
$10. Before I could stop myself, I loudly informed everyone that we got twenty
five cents for teeth when I was a kid. My old man dadness hung in the air like
humidity.

Eli laid it on thick, telling Luca that he had to go to bed
early so the tooth fairy wouldn’t pass our house by. He then theatrically
winked at me to let me know that he knew I knew he knew and Luca knew.

We sent Luca to take a bath and then went about the process
of trying to find paper money in 2016. Miraculously, I found a crumpled $10
bill in my backpack. Luca called from the other room, “Did you say you had five
dollars or ten dollars?”

The next morning, I was taking a shower and Luca burst in.
He held a tiny little white piece of paper that was folded into tiny little
envelope. Inside was a $10 bill and a little note written in tiny letters that
looked a lot like my handwriting.

Monday, October 10, 2016

I know I’ve mentioned Pokemon Go in the past. But I think it
deserves another go. Above all else, this blog is meant to be a little time
capsule of Elijah and Luca’s lives. And I want them to truly understand just
how important this little mobile game is to our lives in 2016.

Our house currently runs on a Pokemon Go based economy. Do
your piano practice? Play Pokemon Go. Leave a wet towel on your bedroom floor?
I taketh Pokemon Go away. I cannot believe I am writing these words, but the boys
don’t even really play Xbox in favor of the game. I don’t even know who they
are anymore.

I’ve stopped feeling conflicted about it. Yes, it involves a
screen. But the boys have had more fresh air this summer than their entire
lives up to this point. We’ve discovered more of our hometown on foot or on
bikes than the original white, middle class explorers of Evanston in 1830.

And we’ve had close to honest to goodness adventures on our
hunts.

A few Sundays ago, Luca and I trekked out on our bikes to
find some Dickerdos or Flubbywubs. He had heard rumor that Pokemon spawned like
rabbits over by his grade school.

Despite having 3 different apps on my phone that tell me the
weather, it began to pour rain ten minutes into our ride. This was the first
time Luca had ever gotten caught in the rain and it was glorious.I buried my guilt at having this moment
happen almost 6 full years into his life and concentrated on the joy in his
eyes as he realized there was simply nothing we could do but get soaked on the
street. He also learned that one’s underpants are the best place to put your
phone during a downpour.

The other night, we were walking a giant loop in our
neighborhood and were flush with excitement over catching that one Pokemon with
a big tongue and we came across a bunch of pre-teens doing pre-teen stuff
(succumbing to the horrors of hormones).

Luca was highly intimidated by the big kids. As was I. I
encouraged him to talk Pokemon with them. “Tell them about the Flobbyjoe you
caught.” Luca inched towards them and in a small voice mentioned his get. The
boys reacted like real middle schoolers and not like movie middle schoolers.
They simply said, “Oh. Cool.” And then ignored us. But we both felt the
victory.

As we strolled home, one of the boys warned us that there
were scary murder clowns in the area. We did not want to catch them.

Monday, October 3, 2016

A couple weeks ago, we rented a little cabin in Wisconsin
near one of those towns that have equal amounts art galleries and dingy
taverns. The place itself was lovely. Elijah and Luca got to see what life
would be like if they discovered they were gay and fell into a lot of
disposable income. Luca was particularly interested in their collection of
antique top hats. I’m not sure if he was feeling any sexual preference or if he
simply liked ridiculous things.

On our first night, we drove down their winding driveway
past the cabin’s farm neighbors and we found ourselves surrounded by 20 or so
cows, curious about who would pay the outrageous rent Air BNB was suggesting.
Luca became obsessed with the animals and their sad lowing. It’s all he would
talk about at dinner and throughout the next day.

It was refreshing to see a child who seemed to only exist to
catch digital Pokemon actually take an interest in flesh and blood animals.
Especially animals who provide us flesh and blood as food.

We asked the landlords if it was ok if we petted the cows.
They gave us just enough permission not to be liable for damages if a bovine
stepped on our throats. Satified, we strolled down the lane and leaned over the
white picket fence overlooking a beautiful meadow.

Luca and Eli began shouting at the cows, aggressively. I
explained that no cow would want to come visit two screaming children.
Suddenly, we were surrounded by cows that were curious about two screaming
children.

The first thing I noticed is cows are dis…gust..ing. They
were covered in flies and boils and warts. Luca loved this and desperately
wanted to pet them. The cows ducked from his hands because they think humans
are dis…gust…ing.

But after a few minutes, they warmed up to us. They
particularly liked it when Diana spoke to them like they were puppies. I
channeled my farm bred youth and remembered cows like to lick humans. So I gave
up my forearm for some sandpaper cow tongue. Luca immediately gave them names,
against all rules of animal husbandry. The names included Brownie, Black and
Whitey, Crazy Pants and Pikachu. The names also seemed to change from one
minute to the next, which I’m sure confused them and will make for difficult trips
to the DMV.

Eli, who was not interested in touching, smelling, or
looking at cows, asked to go home. So Diana obliged, leaving Luca and I to hang
for a few minutes more with the animals.

Suddenly, the cows put on a glorious show for us. Their
bowels and bladders opened up and rained down some of the most horrifying
things I have ever witnessed.

Luca was in near hysterics. “THEY! ARE! POOPING!”

Later at dinner, Luca described in great detail how a cow’s body
works. I explained that this was pretty much how his body works, but in the end
we agreed to disagree.