Banging with Bang! Bang!

Chicago's rumpy-pumpiest punks dispense the Dan Savage-style advice

Chicago band Bang! Bang! calls itself a "sex rock trio" and offers up an uproarious mix of sleazy indie rock and dag-nasty punk that calls to mind Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Electric Six and Johnny-cum-lately cock-rocker Louis XIV. With tracks like "Spank" imploring the listener to "take it like a man," a hit track offering tips on how to pull off a "High-Speed Romance" and the new EP Electric Sex, the group recently has been inundated with fans turning to it for advice about their sex lives. In between takes recording a new LP, we asked bandmates Jack Flash, Gretta Fine and Mike Wednesday to field a few saucy, sordid questions from one kinky group of rock and roll kids.

Dear Bang! Bang!

I hear you guys met while Gretta Fine was Rollerbladin' down the street in her panties. I love to Rollerblade and would love to give it a shot in my undies. Do you have any suggestions of what type work best? I'd hate to be rolling down the road and have any of my pink and privates break free.

Bang! Bang!

Critical Fatwa

Bang right back atcha,

Commando Kate

Gretta:Commando can be fun most of the time, but I like to wear a nice boy-cut brief to roller-skate in. I like the security of my ass staying put as I bump up and down on those poorly paved urban sidewalks.

Mike: No underwear at all would catch my attention!

Dear Bang! Bang!

I recently found myself with an erectile dysfunction problem and have been thinking of trying some drugs. Any suggestions on what works best for keeping it up?

Please help,

Limp in Louisiana

Jack:It may just be some sort of mental block. What works for you while you're whackin'? Start with trying to fantasize about the thing that gets you going when you're playing solo, then gradually wean yourself into simply enjoying the moment you're in. Screw drugs, try mind over matter first.

Gretta: Wanna go rollerskatin'?

Dear Bang! Bang!

I love your latest EP, Electric Sex. It gets my britches all saucy. I'm wondering if you might be able to suggest any similar cream-inducing rock albums?

My boyfriend loves to wear eyeliner, listens to nothing but Rufus Wainwright and the Magnetic Fields and insists on wearing Band-Aids over his nipples like Morrissey, yet he insists he's not gay. He's great in bed, but I can't help feeling like he'd much rather be with a man. What should I do, Bang! Bang!?

Sincerely,

Man's Man's Woman?

Mike:You should probably use a strap-on. He's gay.

Gretta:I'm so jealous! That's a hot thought being with a man in question! Think of the possibilities! Lucky woman!

Jack:Men can be in touch with their feminine side without being gay. However, there are two different kinds of gay, and your boyfriend sounds more like the bad kind. Y'know, not homosexual gay but gay like a barbecue with no beer.

Dear Bang! Bang!

You guys have great hair. Do you find that it's helpful in releasing your sex power?

Sincerely,

Max Headroom

Mike: It sometimes releases mine in under two minutes.

Gretta: Sure it does on those occasions I bring out the crimping iron and Dippity-doo to get my sex on!

Bang! Bang! and their Dippity-doo appear Wednesday, September 7, at the Proletariat, 903 Richmond, 713-523-1199.

CRITICAL FATWA

All hail the mighty compact disc! That piece of technology that let you listen to OK Computer without having to sit through "Fitter Happier." While we know that no audio format lives forever -- someday the CD will ascend to take its place next to hallowed eight-track cassettes -- that day has not come yet. That is why we must fatwa the Sun and its label, Warner Bros., for the new album Blame It on the Youth.

Youth is available on vinyl and DVD only, making it unplayable on a CD player -- and they have the gall to advertise this as if it were a good thing! A harlot might as well advertise her open sores as lubricant. They think us fools. We have not forgotten that packaging a CD and DVD together, an all but common practice today, adds little to the price. Could it be that the special DVD files -- which theoretically can be ripped into WAV files and burned, if you have the technology to do it -- are easier to track on the Internet? Could it be that the advantages of this system are not for the listener, but instead for the record company? Is it possible that a record company could put greed first? Does Courtney Love puke in the woods?

Fatwa! May remainder bins overflow with this album. May it be used as a coaster by those who accidentally acquire it. May the Sun reap what it sows.