Friday, November 18, 2005

Sir, I see that you're waving a gun. Are you angry?

Ahhhhh ... foster care training. Another class last night. This was actually the Part 1 of last month's class (see the whole "Do you like it on top or on bottom" post). We missed it last month because we were running our son to the ER with what the dr. said would turn out to be either a serious medical condition .... or constipation. I'll give you three guesses what it was.

So, we're at the verbal portion of the training. This is when they teach you how to verbally "join and follow to lead" a person who is expressing anger and may become a danger to themselves or others (ooooo, I sound like I know what I'm talking about). I'm going to give you a little crash course. Funny - it sounds so cheesy, but it really does work. It can also be used to annoy your spouse! (I LOVE that kind of stuff)

Here's how it plays out. Let's say you see someone fuming and pacing. First, you use your words to "join" them and acknowledge their action.

"Frank, I see that you are pacing back and forth and your face looks red" (state what you see, then ask) "Are you angry?" Stop rolling your eyes. Just go with me, okay?

Of course, they'll reply that they ARE angry, and hopefully in a really colorful way.

"I can see that you're angry. What are you angry about?"

BIG IMPORTANT PART HERE: you never, ever ask "why?" .... ever ... never! Same reason it's a bad question to ask your kids. Stick with the Who, What, Where, When and How types of interrogation.

They then tell you why they're angry. You can continue to break down their anger to find the specific trigger. For instance, if they say, "I hate traffic!" You would follow with things like, "What is it that you hate about traffic?" Before you ask another question, it's always good (albeit CHEEESY!) to restate the answer they just gave you. "So, you hate rush hour traffic. What, specifically, bothers you during rush hour?"

Told you it would sound cheesy ... trust me ... it's gold!

Once you have narrowed it down, you go to the magic question:

"What do you want?" They give you some idea of change they'd like to take place."What have you done in the past to get what you want?""How has that worked for you?" (Smells like Dr. Phil, I know!)"What are some other things you might try?""Which of those things are you willing to do?"

BOOM! You've joined them in their anger, you've followed their concerns through the conversation and you are leading them to a resolution. Join and follow to lead. Ba-bing-bang-boom!

Now, try it. It works GREAT on your kids when they're freaking out over something. They'll look at you strange, but as long as you ask those open ended questions (NEVER yes/no questions) and you don't ask "Why?" ... I'm telling you, it really is pretty cool. I tried it on my son one day, and when we were done he actually thanked me!

crap i write about

years of drivel

"My story is important not because it is mine, God knows, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours.
Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I,of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories, in all their particularity, as I have long believed and often said, that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally."