QUICK, GO SEE THESE FESTIVAL SHOWS!

I barely have time to introduce this – the Melbourne International Comedy Festival ends on Sunday night and you’ve gotta get out there! It’s a council by-law that you aren’t allowed to laugh at any other time during the year! I don’t make the rules!

(Technically no-one makes this specific rule either, comedy happens in Melbourne all year round and I’m perpetuating the terrible misconception that the Festival is the only time to see it. This was just a hastily conceived goof to ease you into this list. Sorry. Ready? Set? LIST.)

Ben Russell and Maggie Looke – Fylleangst

This is a silly, fucked thing of beauty. It will leave you thinking, “that was very funny”. And if that’s not what you want, get out of this list now. QUICK! SEE IT!

These guys! They’re too good! Going to this show will make you feel embarrassed that you are never going to amount to anything… maybe that’s just me actually and that’s definitely a bad sell – this show is a hilarious masterpiece. QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Demi is the ogre king of comedy and we are all her measly subjects. Go to this and bow down by extending your jaw to the ground and making laughs come out, you cretin. I loved this, sorry about this copy, Demi.

Demi is also doing a show with Tom Walker called We Mustn’t which will no doubt be just as phenomenal. QUICK! SEE ALL OF THIS!

Martin is a very funny dark pit of despair and his writing is always wickedly witty. Plus, it’s a very holy weekend and this show will essentially take you to comedy church – take a photo, pretend to your mum that you’re still a good Catholic for some reason. QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Pete Jones always has the goods and those goods are good jokes. He is not only consistent each year with putting on a great show but that show will have you laughing consistently. He’s a sure thing and a wonderful man. He also got some Hot and Spicy KFC the other day and that’s not even on the menu at the moment, so he’s obviously some sort of all-powerful god we should fear. QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Michelle Brasier and Laura Frew craft perfect comedy shows every year and this one is no different… well, except for the addition of more crustaceans than ever before which obviously makes it way better. Crabs improve everything. Plus they’re putting on an extra show because they keep selling out – if you’re not a boomer, QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Matt Stewart: at this point he’s more beard than man, but thankfully he seems to store a lot of jokes in that beard. Are those jokes also covered in the remnants of food he has eaten that has dropped in his beard? There’s only one way to find out – QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Matt Stewart: here he is again. But this time he’s joined by Jess and Dave to record their fact-based podcast live. You’ll not just laugh but you’ll also learn a little something… that Jess is an angel. Everyone learns this, so be prepared. QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Adam, Rosie, Tim and Ben are very good at writing sketches, so it makes sense that they’ve put on a show filled with them. This year’s show doesn’t have a narrative, so you don’t even need to binge the previous Chimp Cop live shows to follow along, which is a good thing because that’s not how live shows work. It’s a funny show – QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Rhys is just too good at comedy, piling jokes on top of jokes making the shows like a rich, hilarious pudding. Last time I saw him, I almost had an asthma attack from laughing all the air out of my lungs. Pair this show with a nice martini and a Ventolin inhaler – QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!

Gamey Game panelist and cabaret legend Geraldine Quinn is in this show and there’s no doubt in my mind that she will blow yours. This looks like a technicolour treat with people flipping about and singing, so you can’t really go wrong – QUICK! SEE THE SHOW!