Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Even with all of them out of the country, our media still doesn't find anything else to report. Do they have no be on another planet for some actual news to be reported? Oh wait, if they are on another planet, that is actual news. Sigh. We can never win.

Arjuna Ranatunga recently criticized India's focus on T20 cricket and said that it's a corruption of Test Cricket.

Ranatunga also criticized mobile phones and emails and said that he still uses his pet pigeon to deliver his letters. He then called Arjun Singh and both of them talked about how "simple" things were during their childhood in the 18th century.

Sylvester Stallone is now going to be seen in a Bollywood movie.

Yes. he is playing the same character in the remake that Simi Garewal played in the original Karz.

Snoop Dog has song the theme song for an upcoming bollywood movie.

Yes, apparently the song is called, Singh is Shizzle.

Prakash Karat gave a fiery speech denouncing the UPA government and the BJP for the drama in parliament.

People who were witness to the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever.

It is rumored that Bono is to be the Godfather for the infant Jolie-Pitt twins.

Yes, an official announcement is expected to be made right after Angelina & Brad adopt them.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Even though the current honorable speaker of the honorable lok sabha might have done justice to his chair, word on the street is that he may resign.

So, we consider it our national duty to suggest a few candidates which might be able to bring order to the house.

1. Navjot Singh SidhuThis BJP MP embodies the word speaker. If there is anyone in the whole world who can speak, it is this man. Once this man participated in a debate for 18 hours. Although, he was debating himself. He can speak better than Emran Hashmi can smooch or Vidya Balan can pick bad outfits. The upside is that once he gets started no one, and I mean no one can stop him. The downside is that with him in the speaker's chair, no one else would be able to talk. Uh-uh.

2. DharmendraThe MP from Bikaner is can control a crowd with just a few words. Anybody who dares to cross the chair will be referred to as a domestic animal and will be threatened to be relived of some blood. Alternatively, when there is the usual pandemonium in the house, this MP will threaten to jump from the speaker's chair and commit "suicide".

3. Deve GowdaThought he is not a natural choice for speaker, his natural charm and wit make him an ideal candidate. If this man is the speaker, by the time he finishes opening the day's proceedings, it'll already be time to break for lunch. And when he really is in his element and decides to address the house, most of the people present will go into coma.

4. Laloo Prasad YadavRemember those school days when the class clown was made the monitor and we ended up laughing all the time he was up there? Putting Mr Prasad in that chair will have the same effect. Give this man a microphone and he will kill you with his wit. Clearly, he is ratings gold. Who else, can turn a debate about the future of India's power generation capacity into a bad comedy segment on India TV?

5. Pranab MukhrejeeHaving him as speaker is very advantageous. Most of the time, the members will be trying to figure out what he is actually trying to say. So there will really be no time to disrupt the house proceedings.

6. Renuka ChowdharyArguably, the only man in the Lok Sabha. Hell, she could take down the great khali with one hand and have the other hand free for a fist bump with foreign tourists. Anyone who dares to cross the chair gets an ass-whoppin of a lifetime. Man or Woman, she's an equal opportunity ass-kicker.

7. Javed AkhtarOk, I know he's not an MP, yet. However, can you imagine him sitting in the speaker's chair and awarding points after every speech?

"Yes, Mr Advani ... I liked your speech however it did not have the punch lines that your opponents had. And at this stage of the competition, one really needs to bring something special to the table. You really disappointed me. I was expecting much more out of you. I can only give you 6 points though I wanted to give you more but compared to Omar Abdullah's performance, you were really lacklustre."

8. Maneka GandhiClearly, this women is good with animals. They listen to her. So who else, really, better to chair a Lok Sabha debate?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

As I write this, our television channels and news sites beam images of currency notes being put on the tables in the well of the Lok Sabha. Yes, these images are disturbing. Yes, these images are shameful. Yes, it's a black day for democracy.

However, one thing it is not is surprising.

When I first saw those images, somehow, I was not shocked. Because, finally, the facade has been broken.

We always knew the truth. We knew that support is bought and sold. We even coined terms for it like horse trading and aya ram, gaya ram. Jokes about it are now part of Indian pop culture. We even read scathing editorials and blog posts. We held discussions about it. We made successful and unsuccessful movies portraying it. Today, we finally saw it.

That is why I don't feel shocked. I don't feel betrayed. I only feel bemused and sad and disgusted.

Now all news anchors are giving us sentimental, sanctimonious speeches. Yes, we've all heard that before. Is anything going to change? No. Is Indian politics suddenly going to start being about ideology rather than about money and power. No.

What will happen? There will be outbursts, yes. But only on television. In some drawing rooms over a hot cup of tea or coffee. There will be editorials pooh-pooing all the various players involved. Magazine covers providing an in-depth analysis. Blog posts condemning the media, condeming the politicians, condemning the people. We might even get a few humorous and sarcastic posts out of it. Everyone will agree that politicians are scum and the everyone is corrupt.

After a few days, when the infinite loop of these images have earnt their last rupee on India TV, we will go back to talking about reality shows and bollywood wars. We will justify to ourselves that no one can change anything, that India will remain the same and it's the country is fucked up beyond repair. We will watch our movies for escaping from real life, for doing in the reel world what we cannot do in the real. We will read our books full of magic realism. We will go back to teaching our children that our culture in morally superior to other cultures, and on 15th August we will send each other SMS's which proclaim that our country is the best in the world. Our misplaced jingoistic patriotic pride at work again.

In the end, our politicians will go back to what they are the best at doing, making our country a bonafide de-MOCK-cracy.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

It's open season and anything goes. All those people who talk about ideology are talking about something that doesn't exist in Indian politics. It's not about secularism or about patriotism or about capitalism or about communism. It's all about you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours. After all, money hai to honey hai.

The BJP whose government participated in the initial draft and discussions of the deal are now going to vote against it.

The SP is now supporting a party which it was vehemently opposing till a few weeks ago.

The BSP is now the main opposition party. It's leader is now a frontrunner for the post of the Prime Minister of India.

Mr Deve Gowda interrupted his sleep to finally settle scores with the Congress.

The left is so out of touch with the country's interest that it's ready to do anything.

Mr Somnath Chaterjee is trying to bring a facade of neutrality to the speaker's post.

It's early Christmas for Mr Soren who has received a slew of gifts from Santa Claus himself.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you all are aware, we excel in Investigative Reporting. So, to satisfy your curiosity, thanks to our "sources" we are able to present to you the new and upcoming shows to hit your TV screen this fall.

How I met your Mother A new series where Kabir Bedi narrates tales and various anecdotes to his 1500 children explaining to them how he met, married, humped and then proceeded to divorce their mothers. For the budding horny, creepy old man in all of us.

Kashmir MafiaStarring President Mussharaf , the Pakistani army and the ISI. According to some focus groups, this show is M*A*S*H meets The Silence of the Lambs meets The great dictator. In fact, sources have quoted that the head of the Taliban has said that the show is "laugh-out-loud and is as fun as playing football with the head of an infidel".

The adventures of Judge JavedThis will be a first of it's kind travel-talent show commissioned by National Geographic. Presented by Javed Akhtar, who travels from city to city, showcasing the talent of people from various walks of life. The people featured in the show are then "judged" and awarded points by Javed Akhtar, which causes most of them to feel humiliated and break into tears of despair & sadness and in some cases, attempt suicide. To add a bit of zing to those long, boring weekends.

The Navjot Singh Sidhu Chat ExpressHosted by the the irrepressible Navjot Singh Sidhu, this half hour talk show will feature Navjot Singh Sidhu and his permanent guest on the show, Navjot Singh Sidhu. This one-man show includes Sidhu asking questions about various subjects and then answering them with completely unrelated quotes & couplets. This show not only provides you with profound wisdom, it will also hit you with 2723189698087989 new metaphors, smilies and analogies every 10 seconds. Needless to say, this show will not feature any commercial breaks.

The art of Un-fashionHosted by Viday Balan, the show dispenses fashion advice to up and coming wannabe starlets. It's educative segments include How to dress like a female Orangutan, Does this halter top go with my Dad's kurta-pyajama salwar and Gucci-Schmucci; I do all my shopping at Linking Road and Janpath.

How to compensate for a lack of a career with a continues series of bad haircutsA new reality show hosted by Vivek Oberoi, in which people who are really bad at their job and have no future in their chosen career path vie with each other for a "free-haircut" coupon with lifetime validity at Vivek Oberoi's roadside barber.

The Ghost WhispererStarring President Pratibha Patil. In this show, the commander-in-chief of our armed forces provides us with the wisdom of the ages imparted to her by God himself in those one-on-one sessions he used to have with her before she became President. Holy **** batman!!

Which Religious Zealot are you?A game show hosted by Narendra Modi, in which contestants answer questions about their religious beliefs and based on their answers are provided with one of the following three awards: (1) The Osama Bin Laden death-to-all-infidels award,(2) The Bal Thackrey Who moved my temple? award and(3) The Mike Hukabee Preach like you're batshit crazy award.The winner of the show gets to meet either of these three icons.** Please note that in case the winner gets the 1st award, he/she can only talk to his idol via tele-conference for which he needs to go to the Pakistani embassy or consulate.

How to write like a Chinese MimeHosted by Shobha De, the show provides tips to budding writers on how to write completely over-the-top, disgusting, filled with cheap thrills, crappy books which no one reads and newspaper columns which talk about path-breaking issues like the pleats on Aishwariya Bachchan's dress and page 3 celebrity her jam-toast looks like. (Clearly the author of this blog appears to be a big fan of this show.)

The Poppadum ShowA new game show commissioned by UK's Channel 4, hosted by Jade Goody. The show is only open to South-Asian contestants, preferably from India. The winner gets to be called a racial slur by Goody, which makes the winner an instant celebrity in Britain and helps him/her land a book deal, release a do-it-yourself yoga DVD and is granted an audience with the Queen.

Free Speech my ass: Which community does your work of art offend?In this show, a focus group of members from each of the 89021651289752189037512098570912 special interest groups in India view books, films and paintings to determine which particular facet of that work of art is offensive to them. Points are awarded in the following categories (a) the most original idea to destroy the work of art (b) the most unique attack on the producer of the work of art and (c) the most ridiculous court case. The prize money is awarded to the community which scores the maximum on two out of the three categories. The contest is judged by Mayawati Devi, people who objected to Jodha Akbar and Sitaram Yechury.

Friday, July 4, 2008

“To become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.”

“The price of greatness is responsibility.”

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it”

No, the above quotes are not by Dr Singh, they are for him.

The time has come for the Government of India to take the final call on the Indo-US nuclear deal.

It's time for our Prime Minister to finally prove his mettle.

What will it be, good doctor?

Will you choose the path of least resistance and squander a historic opportunity for the sake of being in power for a insignificant few more months?

Will you choose to become a national hero, cheered for his vision and respected for his contribution to the India success story or do you choose to be mocked as a man responsible for India's loss of face in the international community?

Do you want to be remembered as a Prime Minister with an enduring legacy or as a Prime Minister who is known as the Bahadur Shah Zafar of the 21st century?

History is ruthless, Mr Prime Minister. It does not give anyone a second chance. This is the act that will define your career. Any other contribution made by you in your entire earlier career will be eclipsed by how you choose to act on the nuclear deal.

It's in you hands, how you choose to be remembered as. With great power, comes great responsibility. The choice you make will affect the lives of all your billion plus countrymen.Will you choose to take the country forward into the new century or will you plunge it into darkness?

The choice is clear, Dr Singh. All you need to do is stand up for what you beleive in. All you need to do is not cower down to elements opposed to the deal because of flimsy reasons, elements whose logic is far beyond any reality, elements who would sacrifice the good of the country for short term personal gain.

Do what is necessary. Make nice with all your political enemies. It doesn't matter. We will forgive you for all that. After all, in politics there are no permanent friends or enemies.

Sign the deal and we will stand up and applaud you.

Sign the deal and you become the toast of the nation. You get more coverage than the entire bachchan clan.

Sign the deal and we will even try to forget the past four years.

However, if you don't sign the deal, history will label you as the most spineless prime minister ever.

Future generations will remember you not as the man who had a part to play in the development of our country, but as just another politician whose loyalty lay elsewhere.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Alright. Even if I suspend all logic, rationality and smoke enough pot to kill a 100 people, I still don't get it. How can a deal which promises to decrease the helplessness of Indian consumers by helping the country generate more power be anti any religion?

Hell, even Senator Larry Craig's claim of having a wide stance is more believable than this.

"BJP offered PM post to Mulayam in '07"

- SP General Secretary, Mr. Amar Singh

The BJP response: ROTFL, LMAO

Chatwal to raise $10 million for Obama

- Rediff.com article

Really? No word yet from Sanjaya Malakar. Dammit.

Indian Americans Take Note of Obama, Thanks to Hanuman

- Washington Post Article

Have we become this shallow? A person keeps a miniature Hanuman as a souvenir and we go ga-ga over him?

So people actually think "I don't care what his policies or plans are ..... look he has a Hanuman in his pocket. I'm sold. Obama for Pres."

Based on how much money Obama's campaign has collected, he seems to be a follower of Goddess Laxmi!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Yes, everyone thought that he was the messiah of change. That he was "different". However, as I've always said, he's just another politician.

People drank the whole Obama Kool Aid which promised them real change and a different kind of politics.

Some people likened him to JFK and some even alluded to the second coming of Jesus.

Hell, journalists in India asked where India's version of Obama is. (To answer that, every other politician who gives great speeches and does not do anything for five years or whatever term of office they are able to buy or bully into.)

Now that the primaries are over, it is time for the real Barack Obama to please stand up.

Mr. Change-the-world has not only flip-flopped on campaign finance, but to woo Christian evangelists is now ready to expand the Bush administration's faith based programs (source: Newsmax, click here).

Also, he's still "not there" on Gay marriage. Pray tell, what's to "be there" about.Though to be fair, he does support repealing of Don't ask, Don't tell and DOMA.

The fact is, that to be successful, leaders have to be pander to the majority and different interests groups. If politicians start speaking the truth, and do not pander to any major public base, they become as insignificant as Ralph Nader. (Just using him as an example. I ain't a fan.)

A theory goes that 97% of the people in the world want to be lead, want a leader to look upto.

I do agree with that to some extent. That is one of the reason people flock to leaders who are good orators and tell them what they want to hear. People want to be given hope that their problems will be over someday and shown the light at the end of the tunnel like a carrot is dangled in front of a horse.

Good politicians also invent pseudo-truths which if said out loud and a number of times, turn into fact. *Cough* George W Bush *Cough*

However, I still think that Obama is a much better choice for President than great-grandpa McCain. For one, he knows how to work a computer.

For Obama, being a flip-flopper does not make him unfit for president. He's just doing what great leaders have done for centuries. Pandering to the population.

The moral of the story is, that the next time a politician comes knockin and promises to be different and bring about a change or do things differently, don't drink the Kool Aid without at least thinking about it first.

p.s. There is this really interesting article by David Brooks in the NYT called The Two Obamas (click here)

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