While plenty of celebrity weddings made it into this week’s tabloids, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem‘s was conspicuously missing, due to the fact that we don’t know a thing about it! The Oscar-winning Spanish couple of three years got married in secret early in the month at their friend’s house in the Bahamas. And because there’s hardly any information about it, we’ve rounded up eight things we hope happened at the wedding. [People]

Penelope wore a gown made by her buddy John Galliano, but what did Javier wear? It’s a Spanish tradition that the groom wears a shirt embroidered by his bride. While I doubt Cruz was blessed with embroidery skills on top of her other talents, hopefully they got some old-school Spaniard fashion in there. I also wouldn’t be mad if he was topless.

Cruz told the Associated Press that only family members attended the wedding, so I’m guessing that Cruz’s father walked her down the “aisle.” Another awesome thing about Spanish weddings is that the groom walks down the aisle as well, but with his mother! So, his mom, actress Pilar Bardem, probably gave him away, which would be hard for any woman. [CBS 2]

Since Cruz is religious (she donated her entire first Hollywood movie paycheck from “The Hi-Lo Country” to Mother Teresa’s mission and worked with her for a week), they probably had their officiant do the “lasso” where a rosary is wrapped around the couple after they’ve said their vows to protect their union. [People]

When it came time for God to bless their union, the clouds probably opened up and cast a blinding light upon the couple and upon seeing their beauty, God probably gave himself a high-five for creating such madness.

Traditionally, a Spanish wedding is celebrated with a dance called “seguidillas manchegas,” but I watched a YouTube video, and it’s totally not sexy enough for these two. So, I’m pretty sure they did the tango—rose-in-mouth and everything.

Since they were in the Bahamas, they probably had some awesome seafood and rock lobster. Which would also make for some killer paella—which Penelope has said is her comfort food—but since she’s a vegetarian, maybe they left out the good stuff. And since coconuts just fall from the sky in the Bahamas, there had to be some drinks served in coconuts with little party umbrellas.

The spicy Latin lovers steamed up screens with their angry romance in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona,” so hopefully they saved some of that pent-up sexual aggression for their wedding night and yelled in incomprehensible fast-forward Spanish mode while tearing each other’s clothes off. And hopefully they recorded it and will be releasing it onto the web any second now.

After their love was consummated, the couple almost for sure didn’t leave their honeymoon hotel suite for at least seven days. That’s probably why nobody heard about the wedding—because they’ve been making love for the past two weeks straight. And I’ve got to say, I totally don’t blame them. Oh, and maybe that’s why Life & Style says Penelope is already preggers! [Life & Style]

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