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The musings of an expat

A Scamp in the Waiting Room

I spent a good portion of my day today in the waiting room of the health center on campus. I had two appointments today. The waiting room was empty for the first appointment, which suited me just fine and allowed me to read a few pages of a detective novel I have been trying to get through. The second time I entered the waiting room, there was a girl there waiting for her own appointment. She was super chatty, kinda strange, and wanted to be super fast friends. She told me all about her boss’s bad driving record, told me about her grad school plans, and told me about the types of books she likes to read.

#10. Running from the Raptor

Key Blurb: “Instead of the tearing her to bits, the raptor begins to nuzzle at her nether regions.”

It’s a fair assumption that the authors blessed these dinos with big ol’ mammalian Fabio dongs. If we’re being evolutionarily sound, the happy raptor up there will likely end up unceremoniously dumping a cloaca full of sperm all over that gal and pass out a good 90 seconds before his cave-stereo hits the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight.”

#9. Taken by the Pterodactyl

CONSUMER ALERT: Taxonomically speaking, pterosaurs weren’t dinosaurs, so anybody expecting dinosaur porn when they purchased this book WILL NOT be able to get off. We repeat: DO NOT buy this book if you want to masturbate to a story about a dinosaur fucking a shepherd. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

#8. Mating With the Raptor

Key Blurb: “Marga was the Protectress, the city’s leader, charged with defending it against dinosaur attacks.”

Everybody assumes that these books are by random perverts, but one of these days the camera’s going to pull back and we’re going to see, like, Kofi Annan, hunched over a typewriter with an impish twinkle in his eye.

#6. Ravaged by the Raptor

Key Blurb: “The beautiful, buxom girl must now tend the farm like the rest of her family, feeding the animals, tending the crops, and protecting their land from hungry predators, like foxes, wolves, and the occasional dinosaur.”

Look, if you’re going to illustrate a macrocephalic velociraptor plowing a busty farmhand, respect the reader and set that shit amidst the waving wheat that sure smells sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain. A locker room just seems so WRONG.

#5. In the Velociraptor’s Nest

Key Blurb: “Azog must use all of her womanly wiles to get out of the cave.”

Wait a minute, that’s the same guy from Running from the Raptor! Is this a sequel? Did he meet these girls at the swinger’s bar on Noah’s Ark? Was there ever a porno parody of Theodore Rex? (If not, everybody tell Cracked majordomo Jack O’Brien we must reroute 90 percent of our site’s operating budget toward such.)

#4. Taken by the T-Rex

Key Blurb: “When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.”

Judging from that tyrannosaurus’ expression, he’s not euphemistically “interested” — he’s legit aghast that his dinner’s on the cusp of climaxing. His eyes scream, “Look, lady, I know my fossil record, and I am sooo fucking uncomfortable right now.”

#3. Taken at the Dinosaur Museum

Key Blurb: “The job market was tough, and it couldn’t have been tougher than it was on Kate. She’d been looking forever for a new job, but she couldn’t find one. As she was reading through the paper one day, she came across an ad for a museum looking for a night watchperson. She gets the job and finds herself as a night guard, working for a dinosaur natural history museum. Things there are normal and quiet … until all of the dinosaurs come alive!”

According to Amazon, this is a 5,050-word story. We hope 5,041 of those words describe her travails with unemployment in breathless detail and the final nine words are “The dinosaurs came alive. Everybody did sex. The end.”

#2. Ravished by the Triceratops

Key Blurb: “Horrified and aroused by the horned giant, Beliria must find a way to control the situation.”

“When we wrote Ravished by the Triceratops, sure, we depicted a full-sized Cretaceous herbivore. But when it came time to design the cover, we thought about how sensual it would be to get worked over by those pygmy dinosaurs from the 1992 straight-to-VHS classic Prehysteria! and we just plum forgot ourselves.”