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Before we get into this recap, it’s important that we acknowledge how lovely it was to see Katherine Kelly Lang again, and how wonderful it is that she managed to return from her sabbatical with the same face she had when she left (no judgement, Hunter Tylo). Rico reckons considering she spent her break in Italy getting beaten down by the judges on Italian Dancing With the Stars, it’s amazing she didn’t return with a thicker skin – not to mention a back-combed weave and about three fat necks worth of gold chains.

Anyhoo the show begins and here she is at Quinn’s house because apparently Deacon invited her over to watch him drink tequila and moan about his weight. Brooke, naturally, is very interested to learn that one of the two men who were desperate to marry her before she left is now happily rooting the woman she blames for her daughter’s miscarriage.

Cue the arrival of said-woman, Quinn, who immediately and inadvisably launches into a tirade about how Hope is a selfish little twat who should be back at home cooking her son some eggs – not badgering the Pope for a sainthood at the Vatican. Brooke, of course, disagrees and snaps that Hope has every right to take her sweet fucking time and if the Pope hasn’t yet called for security then WINNING.

Elsewhere in BB land and the tiny angry Gremlin known as Rick is getting Maya in a joyous froth because he’s had his lawyer draw up some papers and this time they don’t need a signature from a geriatric imbecile. Maya, naturally, reckons this is Grade A Fabulous news and promises a ‘celebration’ when he arrives home that, judging from the glint in her eyes, may or may not include anal sex.

Meanwhile in another part of Forrester, Caroline is in the middle of telling Ridge how the Rickster flipped his lid and start spraying green projectile when she gave him a ‘hell, YES I’m still kissing Ridge’ with her eyes. Ridge reckons the midget’s feeble little tantrums aren’t her concern any more and, aside from the laundry bill, she’ll soon be good as new. They then move on to a bit of drawing and fondling and gazing and Rico comments that if these two DO end up in a relationship, Caroline better make room in the bed for that sketch book.

Moving on to another couple who seem to be in a fondling mood, which is of course Liam and Ivy. Ivy has arrived for the ‘special evening’ at Liam’s and, naturally, there’s candles all over the place and Liam is already dressed in a condom. Ok, not really, but we all know what’s going on here tonight and not even those candles can make it look pretty.

Anyhoo, they start off on the couch to engage in the mandatory discussion about their feelings. Liam reckons he had no idea that love could be ‘fun’ because in the past it’s all been about choosing between two women and – wait! That was totally fun! Ivy in turn tells him that she feels so ‘safe’ whenever she’s around him and Liam assures her that that’s because he will never, EVER axe murder her in her sleep – though he might be exchanging fluids with Steffy in the not too far distant future.

Moving on to the Forrester ‘mansion’ and Maya is racing to the door in her small clothes because someone is knocking on the door and it could just be the hot milkman. Hot milkman it isn’t and it isn’t Rick either because here’s Brooke wearing a pinched expression wanting to know what in the fark is going on. Maya explains that they are living in Eric’s moth-ball smelling old men’s home while he’s away because the ‘guest house’ is getting renovated to include indoor plumming. Brooke starts to comment on the fact that Maya is Maya and not Caroline but then notices that Stephanie’s portrait has been replaced by an even more matronly-looking black woman.

‘Who in FUCK is that?!’ Brooke demands, before shrieking that replacing Stephanie’s portrait is the height of disrespect because Stephanie, even more so than sluts from the valley, loathed black people.

Cut back to Liam and Ivy (I know, we didn’t want to either) and they’ve taken their sexless selves into the bedroom where the camera men really put their backs into trying to make this horror show sexy. Effort aside, they fail, and when Liam pushes Ivy down onto the bed he wears the distinct air of a man shoving a bag of laundry down a chute and Rico reckons Ivy may or may not be fantasizing about her old Neighbours co-star, Toadfish.

Mercifully though, it’s back to rage-aholic Ricky, because after a bit of shuffle with his lawyer we find him roaming the corridors of Forrester with Stephanie’s gun looking for some target practice. Although Charlie would have been perfect, he comes across Caroline and Ridge instead and because they’re kissing rather than swapping stories of Rick’s brilliance, his trigger finger gets twitchy and, well, BANG BANG BANG.

Rico reckons the chances that this actually happened and that next episode won’t start with the Rickster waking up after his fantasy, are even smaller than the list of Forresters Brooke and Taylor haven’t slept with. Personally I think he’s right, but if we’re wrong and the Deranged Midget DID offload into that room, it’s Caroline who’s ending up on the coma list because, well, WIFE SHOOTING!