Before you read a letter from a client to his bank manager, read the following
multiple choice questions.

1. The client is writing the letter
a) to ask for a loan
b) to inform the bank about some changes
c) to complain about a bank employee

2. What bill did his bank refuse to pay?
a) His mortgage
b) His gas bill
c) His electricity bill

3. How will the man be paying his mortgage in the future?
a) by phone
b) by bank transfer
c) by courier service

4. How long is the Application for Contact Status that the man wants
the bank employee to complete?
a) 4 pages
b) 8 pages
c) 28 pages

5. What music has the man chosen for
when he put the bank on hold?

6. How much will the man charge the bank for reading their
advertising material?

My
Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for refusing the payment transfer with which I
attempted to pay my electricity bill last month. By my calculations at
least three nanoseconds must have elapsed between my transfer request,
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to cover it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eighteen years.
You are to be congratulated for taking that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account by way of a commission penalty for the
inconvenience I caused your bank.

My thankfulness comes from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my erratic financial ways. You have put me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be affected by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs next year, and I
am taking the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your bank as my model.

I
can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following
changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and emails, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.

From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank in cash by personal courier, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you
must nominate. You will be aware that it is a criminal offence for any
other person to open an envelope by registered delivery.

Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it is eight pages long, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her
medical history must be countersigned by a judge, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phonebank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person who I will have any
dealings with, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated
voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided
through an extensive set of menus:

Press 1 to make an appointment to see me,
Press 2 to query a missing repayment, Press 3 to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on.

The contact will then be put on hold, and will then be attended by my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I
have chosen a couple of tracks from my favourite album “Classic Irish
Pan Pipe Tunes”.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of 3 euros per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at 5 euros per minute of my time spent in
response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of an
electronic bank transfer, will be passed back to you.

My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even The Irish
Pan Pipes don’t come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the
point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also charge
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client,

Mr. I. C. Cleerly

Check your answers.

Match the following vocabulary from the text with the best definition.

Now complete the following sentences with vocabulary from the previous
exercise in the correct form.

1. Don’t mail the package, send it by
, it’ll be much quicker.
2. Pepitos were getting
lower as he continued to look for a job
3. Samantha doesn’t work here anymore. She went to work at our
Manchester two months ago.
4. We object to the in which
the decision was made.
5. Thirty minutes before the
meeting began.

Check.

Listen and repeat.

Match the following vocabulary from the text with the best definition.

Now complete the following sentences with vocabulary from the previous
exercise in the correct form.

1. I don't want
. Tell me what you really
think of this dress.
2. Pepito’s lack of education is his biggest
.
3. She made an inspiring and
speech at the awards ceremony.
4. It was an effort field
and achieve greater equality between the sexes.
5. The support team responded to my
the same day and helped me
get started immediately.