5 Awesomely Bad Christmas Gifts

Kids will be thrilled at the sight of the Hurley action figure from the hit TV drama, Lost. Here’s a list of things Hurley can do:

Lean against a pole.

Breathe heavily.

Burden our healthcare system.

There’s also a voice chip that spits out lines like “Wait! The numbers are bad!” This is the perfect toy for all ages, because when your kids grow older, they can contemplate what the word “action” in “action figure” really means, and some day computer technology may be advanced enough to calculate the colossal error in judgment it must have taken to green light this shitfest of an action figure.

Runner-up: Lost Series 1 – Shannon Action Figure

Seen here tastefully sun-bathing amongst the backdrop of plane wreckage. To be fair, only some of the passengers were brutally ripped apart upon crash landing, and that beach looks very inviting.

2. Dirt Devil Junior Play Upright Vacuum Cleaner

Manufacturer recommended age: 3-7
My recommended age: 1-99

What you are looking at may be the single most brilliant invention in the history of the universe: a vacuum cleaner toy! This cleverly disguised appliance will help condition your children to run around the house with a vacuum, so when they grow older, they’ll jump at the opportunity to handle the real thing with reflexes that would give Pavlov a wet dream.

There are varying facades to help mask these devices for what they really are: tools of indoctrination. Do your part in helping make our future a bleak Orwellian nightmare in which people get punished for asking questions like: should we trust state-sponsored news, is a society under surveillance truly free, and why the fuck was I given a vacuum cleaner to play with as a child?

Runner-up: Just Like Home Cookware Set

Why stop at cleaning? Get those ungrateful little monsters to start earning their keep sooner with the “Just Like Home” cookware set. Have a holly jolly Christmas ham. Or three. Remember: forced labor harbors contempt. Coerced labor harbors a complacent work force.

3. Alphabet Magnets

Age: 3-9

These refrigerator alphabet magnets will remind you of your childhood, when times were more innocent and the worst thing that could happen to you was a nuclear holocaust. In this day and age where you can open an envelope that causes bleeding under your skin and lesions to appear in your mouth, there’s something comforting about the simplicity of alphabet magnets.

Your child will have minutes of fun arranging words. What more, it’s a fun way to leave messages on the fridge for your child before he goes to school every day.

Runner-up: Guitar Accessory Pack

The only thing worse than getting a guitar for Christmas, is getting a guitar accessory pack instead. If you’re feeling generous, you could even splurge and buy the kid an actual guitar to go with it some day.

4. Shark Party Kit

Age: 3 – whenever the kid gets tired of the beatings.

We learn some of the most valuable lessons in life at the business end of a fist. As much as you might want to beat the hell out of your kids sometimes, it’s looked down upon in our modern society. But the shark party kit is the next best thing. When you want to stomp your fifth-grader’s hole, sending him to school wearing this bullshit will guarantee him a sound thrashing.

This isn’t even a gift for your children so much as a gift for you. You work hard to put food on the table every week, and the last thing you need is some ungracious little prick mouthing off instead of thanking you for knocking up his mom and not aborting him.

Runner-up: Rocky Basic Action Figure – Adriane

I’m pretty sure Adriane wasn’t wearing a burlap sack in Rocky, but I don’t remember so it’s entirely possible that the same person who thought it would be good idea to make this action figure in the first place would have made it in spite of that fact.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 – Jack Sparrow with Black Pearl Cannon

Age: 18+

There’s more to this toy than meets the eye. What may seem like a crass attempt to commercialize an already commercial film, turns out to be much more sinister. Pictured below are two versions of the figure: one holding the cannon in normal lighting, and the other, a silhouette. If you look closely at the silhouette, it reveals a hidden message that you may already be aware of: I’m incredibly immature.

This is one of the few gifts you can give to someone used, and they wouldn’t know the difference. It’s perfect for sending overseas because the cover looks about as crappy as you could possibly make it, and Europeans can’t tell the difference.

The man behind the website The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox recently published his first book, The Alphabet of Manliness, in June 2006. If you don't like his website, his book or anything else about him, you can eat him.