negotiations

The UK’s top Brexit Minister David Davis has spent the last 15 months negotiating a glass of water, it can be revealed today.

Initially offered a coffee, Davis took exception to EU negotiator Michel Barnier’s welcome at an introductory meeting. The Secretary of State was then offered a wide range of waters but refused to be rushed into making a decision.

Over a year on from the UK’s decision the leave the EU, little headway has been made but the Minister has defended his approach.

“There has been a lot of discussion over the type of water we we want. Hard water or soft water? Still or sparkling? There are so many choices. I don’t plan to actually drink the water until March 2019.”

Davis also claimed that he would refuse any glass of water that did not stem the flow of water into the UK.

The Secretary of State has been criticised by political opponents for failing to make sufficient progress. The Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn called for the government to secure “a fair glass of water” as soon as possible.

Downing Street has defended the negotiations. In a speech in Buxton later today the Prime Minister is expected to say “No glass of water is better than a bad glass of water.”

Pressed by journalists, Davis refused to be drawn on his negotiating strategy and instead decided to badmouth the EU.

“The EU has made negotiating this glass of water all but impossible” said the visibly thirsty Minister.

Asked when he would be starting the Brexit negotiations, Davis looked confused before promising more money for the NHS.

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