Help! My Spouse Is Becoming More Religious Than Me!

Do I have to give up me to be loved by you?

My husband and I have been married for 8 months. My husband has changed his outlook on a number of religious issues since we met and we have recently been experiencing some conflict over differences in religious observances. I wish that my husband could accept who I am and not try to change me. I feel that if I change certain things to please my husband, I will resent this. When is it appropriate to do what one's spouse would prefer and when it is appropriate to ask one's spouse for acceptance?

This young wife's letter has touched on some very critical issues because at the core lies the question: "Do I have to give up me to be loved by you?"

Her dilemma creates a no-win situation. If she doesn't do as her husband would like, she risks his displeasure at the very least, or a diminution in his regard for her and perhaps further consequences. If she does defer and comply, despite her aversion to his request, her perception in all likelihood is that she is not being true to herself and that her husband is trying to change her.

I don't think it is ever appropriate in a spousal relationship to impose one's opinion or will on the partner.

I don't think it is ever appropriate in a spousal relationship to impose one's opinion or will on the partner. Controlling and determining a mode of behavior or response should be limited to one's self. Marriage does not confer that right. As someone aptly put it, "marriage is not a rehab center." At the very least, this type of controlling approach does not work. At the worst, it is destructive and counterproductive. Invariably, it will give rise to resentment and ultimately anger. Everyone is entitled to make his or her own decision and the refusal to extend that right is demeaning to the spouse.

Torah philosophy sees the human being created in the image of God. We understand this to mean that the Almighty has invested us with His likeness, His attributes. The Master of the Universe is the only wholly and totally independent being. He answers to no one. While we are mere mortals and certainly cannot be totally independent of others and certainly not of God, being created in His image does posit within us a natural resistance to being controlled, manipulated and being told what to do. Deference, while often necessary, is a learned response, not a natural one.

Perhaps that is why, when babies becomes aware of their separateness from their mother, one of the first words they learn is "no."

The basis of a marriage must be mutual respect, appreciation and even a celebration of differences.

At the same time, one of the manifestations of an intact relationship is an openness -- a non-threatened posture that allows for one to consider possibilities previously unexplored.

This can only happen if there is no fear that the spouse has hidden agendas or ulterior motives. Such relational issues can muddy the waters of the marriage. They need to be addressed, clarified, and dealt with.

TORAH VIEWPOINT

"Her paths are those of pleasantness," is the description of Torah and observance of its value. The Torah views the spousal relationship as pivotal to Jewish life and the mitzvoth are intended to enhance rather than thwart this objective.

The writer points to the fact that her husband has "changed" since they were married. In other words, the conditions of the contract were changed. I would point out for her consideration that while it is true some change has taken place along the way, we know that human beings are not meant to be stagnant. We should ever be learning and growing. Today should be different than yesterday, and tomorrow we should hopefully have insights and understanding that we don't have today. In the professional, material, and physical arenas we are not satisfied to remain in a status quo state.

Deference does have its place in a healthy marriage.

There is always the necessity of ongoing education and upgrading our standard of living. Certainly in the world of the soul that impacts on eternity, we need to aspire to loftier goals.

I would advise the writer to pursue further learning and exposure to Jewish experiences at her own initiation. It is only when we are informed that we have choices. Perhaps she can then more objectively, without the distortion of a bruised ego or control issues, make her own decision of where she wants to be religiously at this moment with the understanding that tomorrow is another day with its endless possibilities mandated by continuous learning and growing.

Additionally, I do need to point out that deference does have its place in a healthy marriage. Each partner should be respected in his or her particular domain -- his or her area of expertise. The suggestion has been made that we ask ourselves on a scale from 1 to 10 how much does this issue mean to me -- or as one put it, "is this the hill I want to die on?" This kind of self-examination may help determine whether we stand our ground or defer.

There is a humorous anecdote about a husband who says that he makes all the important decision in his marriage -- such as whether to go to war with China or whether the Federal Reserve Bank should lower interest rates. He leaves the smaller decisions to his wife -- where to live, what schools their children should go to, etc.

Acknowledgement and appreciation for a decision that necessitates negotiation and is not mutually arrived at is critical to a marriage. Gratitude and ongoing positive feedback are extremely important dimensions in all relationships and certainly most critical in the marriage relationship.

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
Devorah,
April 17, 2014 6:44 PM

Are there support groups for this?

I have been searching for support dealing with this exact issue. We have amazing rabbis who help us, but no one has been able to really help us bridge the gap. My husband grew up reform. I did not grow up religious at all. My husband began to become religious/ observant after we started dating. Years later, knowing very clearly that he was on his Path and that I did not share that Path, I have my own spiritual Path, we decided to get married after long and detailed negotiations. I was willing to do as he requested: "explore" Shabbat, Keep a kosher kitchen and "explore" the laws around family purity. Our agreement included a time of separation but no requirement to go to the Mikvah. After a couple months of being married, I realized that his request to "explore" was really an expectation to observe. I know the laws, I've experienced the practice, and it's not for me. I kept going to the Mikvah but became very resentful. I was so shocked by his imposition and his resistance (anger/frustration) to discussing what we had agreed to that it took me a long time to finally say "ENOUGH!" I would love to be in a marriage of acceptance but that's not our reality. I accept him, but he can't accept me. I told him before we got engaged that if he needs someone on that Path, he has to find her because it's not me. He wanted me. He continued to persue me. He said he accepted me and only needed me to keep a kosher kitchen and "explore". He has continued to grow in his observance. I accept that. What I don't accept is that he continues to need me to do things or we really can't have a marriage. I'm finally taking care of myself. I'm very willing to compromise in an atmosphere of acceptance and choice, but not in an atmosphere of oppression and imposition. I'm ready to say goodbye. I am confident that I have shown up to my part and more. I know I can't change my husband. I really wish we could find a way, but I'm losing hope.

(7)
Valerie Schweitzer,
November 17, 2001 12:00 AM

While helpfula nd inspiring, the article still leaves me with questions. I wonder how gently open my husband's mind to a more observant way of life, including the attendance of an orthodox synagogue as oppsed to conservative. My husband, while extremely loving, thinks such steps would be "fanatical". He wants us to live a life of moderacy even if he will grant that g-d exists.

(6)
Boruch Aplebaum,
September 17, 2001 12:00 AM

I agree whole heartedly with the Rebbetzin. Marriage is the joining of three sparks. The husband's the wife's and HaShem. A jewish Marriage is or should be build on respect for each other. And no matter what level a person is on they should and must respect the level of the other. It is taught that if one knows Aleph that is what they should teach. The more observant spouse must help the other to reach whatever level of observance they will both be comfortable with, Without JUDGEMENT.

(5)
Gregory Chalik,
August 9, 2001 12:00 AM

what's the sourse

Your psycho-philosophical discussion lacks a source for your arguments from the Torah. The one line you do quote "Her paths are those of pleasantness," refer to the development of middot one goes through in seeking Shalom which is what Torah is all about. However, how is this quest possible between husband and wife, if one of them has not resolved conflicts with the First party, HaShem?

(4)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2001 12:00 AM

Do I have to give up me to be loved by you?

I have been in this person's shoes, and walked the same path. Your advice was correct.

My husband became more observant before I did (we were Conservative and very active in our synagogue). So, I decided that I valued my husband's need for a greater spiritual awakening. This was not directed at me – this was his journey. So instead of rejecting out-of-hand this phase of his development, I decided to learn with him to see what he valued so highly. As a one time card carrying feminist, I felt I could withstand any challenges to my inherent beliefs, and could confront back. So I questioned. I disputed. I once asked a rabbi (regarding the mehitzah in shul), "... why should I pay full price for obstructed seats?" The answer from this particular rabbi was less than appropriate, so my husband and I found a rabbi who didn't spout pabulum and expected us to think for ourselves. I learned, and accepted torah and halachah -- but never the pervasive sexism that often going with it. That is a condition of men and society, not a result of Torah.

If she fears losing her own “personal identity”, there are options and answers within the halachic spectrum. Organizations such as Edah, the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance can possibly help -- or even Aish HaTorah. A community's Women's Orthodox League is also a good place to start. Many women within the community have experienced similar problems.

She needs to analyze and understand what her primary/gut level fears are regarding his new levels of observancy.

She may fear being cut off from "normal" people if she follows her husband's lead. She may fear her husband is a hidden chauvinist, if she views women within the observant community as “lesser.” She may fear having to "keep kosher", and be different from her co-workers and not being able to eat out. She may fear how her children will be treated. She may fear concerns that she will become a "second class citizen" in a religion where the Conservative and Reform movements tout their egalitarianism. All these fears can be addressed, including her own inherent prejudices -- although there are no easy, formulaic answers.

The only suggestion I can make is that the lady and her husband explore options together. Compromise is the key. If his levels of observancy become the flash point in their marriage -- no one will win. And it is a shame. Orthodoxy has many, many rewards that both can share.

The sad situations I know in light of this topic, are like those men who belong to my/any shul whose wives never accompany them, never attend simchas, never get involved. When children view religion as only a "daddy thing" and not a "mommy thing" then patterns and conflicts can be set for a lifetime.

Fear of change is the true enemy.

Best wishes to them both.

(3)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2001 12:00 AM

wish it were so easy

Coming from a family who's father is observant and who's mother is not, I think that one should be very careful when dealing with such a situation. Not only do you have to be careful of the friction it will bring into the relationship, but when children come into the picture it makes them have to choose sides. I think the best way to deal with this situation is to remember that religion is there to bring you closer to each other and also closer to G-d, and if it is bringing a gap into a marrige then that is going against 'the grain'. Choose a rabbi - one that BOTH of you feel comfortable with and that if you do get 'issues' there is a objective person to help. I strongly advise you to grow TOGETHER, see a rabbi. It is like the story of the man who came home and shouted at his wife in front of guests because she didn't cover the challah, and he embarrassed her. Had he thought WHY he was covering the challah, he would have realised what judaism was saying to him - we cover the challah as to not embarrass it as we have kiddish first.

(2)
Anonymous,
July 20, 2001 12:00 AM

looks too simplistic as an answer

i am goind through a similar experience, my spouse is adamantly agaist my becoming more religious ,ther is no room for movement if there is no spirt of freedom the main issue appears to be fear to change

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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