An online journal of the nightly (and daily) nonsense endured by a (former) bouncer at two of New York's most popular nightclubs.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Act Locally

A SIMPLE PROPOSITION

Navigating New York’s sidewalks, crosswalks and subway platforms can be frustrating for even the most patient souls among us. Early in the morning, our wonderful city can be so fraught with unwelcome and unpleasant stimuli that it’s easy to become enraged at the slapdicks responsible. Later in the afternoon, you’re tired, you’re frustrated, you just want to get home after a difficult day of work, and it’s simply unfair to have to summon the patience to circumnavigate the endless flocks of anuses who insist upon clogging Gotham’s vital chokepoints.

Whether we’re talking about the tops or bottoms of staircases or escalators, the spaces between pillars and railings on subway platforms or the entrances to New York’s thousands of buildings, areas requiring free pedestrian passage aren’t places New Yorkers should stand. They inexplicably do, however, and it’s a problem that won’t go away by itself.

Until now.

Welcome to whyfuckingstandthere.org, a dynamic new initiative launched by the people who brought you dontsmokeinfrontofthefuckingdoorway.org and donthittheclosedoorbuttonontheelevatorafteryoustuckyourarminandheldusallup.org.

The mission of whyfuckingstandthere.org is simple and straightforward: to make every fucking moron in New York City understand that when an entire stream of people is walking around you while glaring at you and muttering obscenities, you’re probably in the way, and you should move immediately.

HOW CAN I HELP?

The good people at whyfuckingstandthere.org can’t do this alone. We need your help, and we need it now. New York is completely choked off, and it’s becoming virtually impossible to travel from place to place without encountering some dildo standing somewhere he shouldn’t. We obviously don’t want anyone getting shot or stabbed, but if you’re carrying a weapon yourself, we need you to raise citywide awareness by spreading the word directly to these douches – telling them, in no uncertain terms, to get the fuck out of the way.

Every time you move someone out of a chokepoint, it’s one step closer to victory – but remember this: Move a man out of the way, and you’ve got freedom for a day. Teach a man to move himself out of the way, and you’re free of his fucking stupidity for a lifetime.

That’s what we’re about here at whyfuckingstandthere.org.

WHAT IF I’M STUPID?

Your first step toward liberation is to simply move. Get the fuck out of the way. Lean against the fucking wall. Focus, every single day, on paying attention to social cues, especially during morning and evening rush hour periods, and you’ll eventually start to get the point.

In time, we’ll have volunteers roaming the sidewalks and subway stations of New York, handing out our literature and offering workshops on how not to be a human blockade. You’ll learn marketable skills like:

Let’s be honest, folks. Commuting to work in New York City is just a big, fat fucking joke. It doesn’t have to be that way, but what we need from you to get this initiative off the ground is the sense of urgency that’s obviously missing from the collective consciousness of the hordes of fuckwits who slow our city to a crawl every morning and evening rush.