Which iPhone 5c Color Is Right For You?

iPhones, long available in merely black and white (and, in the case of the very old ones, silver), will now come in one of five colors: green, blue, yellow, red, and white, which is technically more of a “shade.” These models are called the 5c—“c” presumably standing for “cheap,” as they start at $99. (The new iPhone 5s—about which we know nothing because its colors—white, gold, and silver—are too boring to even research—retails for a minimum of $199.) For the “specs” on both new phone models, read any other post on any other Web site (including VF.com). For extensive conjecture regarding what sorts of colors attract what sorts of buyers and why, please continue reading.

What sort of color should you get? Choose a color and see whether each description matches your personality.

White: You are a reckless anarchist with no respect for anything or anyone. Why get a new iPhone 5c in the one color that makes it appear, at first glance, identical to stupid old iPhones? Why bother owning a phone? Why bother owning anything? Why bother? Why?

Red: You are curious and ambitious. The 16th of the month is a good day to have that frank conversation about money with a friend or boss.

Yellow: You have already purchased black striped stickers and an “antennae” USB plug-in and have big plans to dress your phone up as a bumblebee. This is adorable and we highly encourage it. Dibs on this idea.

Blue: You are a dad who wants to shake things up. You’ve always liked blue, so what the heck? You’re at the mall anyway, and there’s that new Apple Store down by the Jos. A. Bank. You’re going to call Verizon on the walk to the escalator, and if it makes sense in terms of your contract, you may just stop in for a blue iPhone after picking up a pair of slacks you put on hold while you spent the weekend to think about them. After the mall, you have to go get the car washed, but you’re hoping to get that done in time to water the grass before it gets dark. “Hello,” you’ll say after dialing your wife on the drive to the car wash. She will respond kindly, warmly. “I’m on my new iPhone!” you’ll say. She’ll pause and ask whether you didn’t already have an iPhone. “Yes, yes, but this is blue! Listen. No, I mean, I’ll show it to you when I get home. Pretty cool.”

Green: You are color blind. You’ll just take whatever phone is easiest for the cashier to grab from the back.

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