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How To Get Through The Edinburgh Festival Fringe Without Dying

On a day when more shows went on sale for the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, we’ve pulled together a handy guide for companies making their way here in August. You see, we’ve been around the Fringe block once or twice in the past and feel that it’s time to share some of our opinions on how to get through the festival without dying.

This information should be particularly useful if you’re a novice company at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, and should help you on your way. And if you don’t trust us, we also asked a bunch of the beautiful people to tell us what they think.

Eat well – Hangry people are arseholes

Most of our major bitch fits happen when we’re hungry. It’s human nature. When you’re in Edinburgh it’s easy to forget to plan a nutritious diet. Vegetables don’t count if they are on pizza. Fruit in a cocktail is cheating also. It’s really important if you’re in town for the long haul not to be bum fucked by your own immune system. Drink water. Eat a balanced diet. We know you’ll probably binge drink on occasion, just don’t do it all the time. Being sick in public is VERY embarrassing.

Wash

Your body and your clothes. You may like the smell of 3 day old sweat, but no one else does. There’s nothing worse than going to a show and getting hepatitis because you accidentally scratched yourself on someone’s costume on the way out. It’s also more likely that you’ll get laid if your prospective beau doesn’t think they’ll have to chip their way in.

Take the hint

Not everyone will want to see a contemporary take on Lysistrata featuring themes of football hooliganism on a canal barge near Bathgate. If someone says no to your flyer, keep it and give it to someone who wants it. Don’t feel the need to form a chain gang and lie in the middle of the Royal Mile. That won’t make you seem like any less of a dick. In fact, the opposite may be true. If you are really sexy and have a good body, by all means take your top off on the mile. If you have the body of Gollum however, it’s probably best for you and your show to keep it under wraps.

Know your limits

You can be fat and jolly, or skinny and an arsehole. You can’t be fat and an arsehole. No-one will want to fuck you. They may not even want to come to your show. Though attractive people do tend to get more leniency, it’s best not to be an idiot regardless of your shape. One of the most forgotten things in Edinburgh is that word travels. Everyone knows everyone. If you’re being shitty to your venue team, the media or the public, people will find out and there’s nothing sexy about a moody two shoes.

Sleep well

That ‘other’ drink may seem like it will wake you up. It won’t. It will just turn you into more of a gibbering monkey, tactlessly slagging off your director in front of the programmer of the Sydney Opera House. A rested mind and body can do the job it came to Edinburgh to do. It’s amazing how many people come to town on their life savings and fuck it up by not being very good because they are exhausted.

Be prepared

Bring condoms, lube and spermicidal jams and jellies – even if you are not planning on sleeping around. Edinburgh becomes a hot mess of sexual activity in August; we once caught crabs just looking at {NAME REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS} in a bar.

Seriously though, practice safe sex. In Edinburgh, new cases of HIV are on the rise in both the gay and straight population.

Shagging aside, know where you are and tell at least one person you trust where you’re heading for the night.

Prefix your emergency contact’s name in your phone with ICE (In Case of Emergency). It’s how the Scottish emergency services will know who to call if they find you in a ditch.