"The Candyman"

"I'm Not a Fan"

The Lyrics

Just a couple of "deal-breakers" when it comes to the opposite sex...

Don't bathe in your co-logne A sprinkle will doYou don't need to douse it--makes you smell worse than the zooI'm not a fanI'm not a fan, manI'm not a fan, man, they can smell you in JapanAnd you know that ain't good

Don't tell me you want toCuddle J-Lo's thighThen get all annoyed when I talk to another guyI'm not a fanI'm not a fan, manI'm not a fan, man, let me do the things you can I hope I'm understood

A fan you won't make, with these huge mistakesDon't be jealous or suspiciousIf I could have just three wishesI'd want a guy who'd do the dishes

Oh, don't cover a bald spotCombing over hairIf you do, you won't find me around you anywhereI'm not a fanI'm not a fan, manI'm not a fan, man, and I'll never hold your handDon't think an-y girl should

A fan you won't make, slamming on the brakes And you'd better be judiciousI want someone who's ambitiousSorry if I'm sounding vicious

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Don't call me your girlfriendTell your folks we dateDon't use me to cover so your family thinks you're straightI'm not a fanI'm not a fan, manI'm not a fan, man; neither is your boyfriend Dan He feels misunderstood

No, I'm not a fan, man, and I gotta make demandsTo find a man that's good

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4.9

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User Comments

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Brilliant work as usual--very well rhymed and paced, and the no-holds-barred criticism contrasts beautifully with the childlike sickly-sweetness (no pun intended) of the original song. Fives all round!

Those are often the ones that work best: when you have to rack your brains for every other line, they never flow quite as well. Recently I've taken to leaving unfinished anything I can't polish off in a few minutes (with one or two exceptions), but jotting down some ideas to go with. Then every so often I review the half-finished bunch and there's usually something that jumps out at me.

Phil, for my whole parody writing life that's how I've been. And, for the most part, that's still how I am. I'll be driving along and a line will hit me...and I just kind of build around it. By the time I get back to my office, or home...or to a random laptop that I can snake from an unsuspecting cafe customer who's gotten up to get a refill...I've basically got the whole thing written in my head.

Still...every once in a while...when I hit a little writer's block...I find myself trying too hard. And I'm just very recently coming out of a funk like that...

Aww...thanks, Johnny! All I can say is that if I try too hard to submit more than I'm already submitting, I fear that the submissions will suck. And then...you'll all be saying..."Yeah, Arwen...I'm not a fan!"

Totally missed this when it came out. This was great: "If I could have just three wishes I'd want a guy who'd do the dishes" My wife loved this line (and when I do the dishes)...what were the other three wishes? Also, I agree on the quantity/quality thing =)

Claude...you know, this might make you (and many others) cringe...but being the obsessive entertainment news hound that I am...I have to break it to you that I read a while ago that Vin REALLY wants to re-make "Guys and Dolls." That's right...dancing and singing...and you KNOW I'd watch it! I've heard him sing. I'm not complaining. But then...he could cough and I'd probably think it was sexy...

Very well done, Arwen, but I'm curious about how you learned about all of these male imperfections. I'm certain that the men in your life do not have bald spots to cover over or exhibit any of the other flaws described in your parody.

Oh John...I've seen lots of movies about loser guys. That's how I know that they exist. You are right that I have never encountered one on my own. And I have NEVER gone on a date with one. Because I am the Queen of Perfectville...; ) Thanks!

Hee! Thanks, Paul!

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