March 29, 2007

I was looking through the guest book on my old website and found this message from Van Dyke Parks, one of Brian’s best co-writers, dated December 7, 2005

Dear Artie,
You brought such joy and humanity to our times together, and it’s been
30 years and change since you answered my call and helped Brian Wilson find justice in his publishing at Irving/Almo music. For that, and for the definition you brought to Warner Brothers Records in their lettuce years, here is my total gratitude. Keep writing new music. We’re all ears.

Love, Van Dyke

When I was running Irving/Almo ( A+M records publishing arm) in 1974, Van Dyke Parks called me to congratulate me on my new position and to ask for a substantial songwriting advance on behalf of Brian. I put him on hold, and arranged for a check to be drawn up right away! Then he put me on the phone with Brian Wilson [who I had never met] who said he liked Olivia Newton Johns cover of “God Only Knows”, which I got her to record on my first day at the company!!

Needless to say I was thrilled to talk to one of my idols! I told him an idea I had to update one of his old songs “Good Vibrations”……that included changing one of the most recognizable lines in musical history!!! As I talk/sang my idea into the phone, I could hear Brian laughing on the other end that ended with an,”Okay, sure…try it!!

A few weeks later I got my friend Larry Page to record and release it with the Troggs. It started, “I love the summer clothes you almost wear……..and how the sunlight plays upon your hair……”

Although I wasn’t with the company very long, I’m proud of the fact I was able to get the ball rolling and subsequently help Brian get MILLIONS from all of his songs in the Sea Of Tunes catalog which his father, Murray nefariously sold to Irving/Almo Music.

I really had a good time going through hundreds of YouTube videos, looking for the best versions of songs to go along with this article. “Good Vibrations” ( Wilson/ Asher/ Love) with Brian and the Beach Boys. “God Only Knows” ( Wilson/ Asher) , which Brian wrote in 7 minutes, features the Beach Boys without Brian, with Carl Wilson on lead.

March 28, 2007

Warner-Cable has been sending many shows from ABC-TV to their cable subscribers slightly out of sync for the past several weeks! The sound is slightly ahead of the picture which can drive you crazy after a while. The discrepancy doesn’t matter much when Rosie O’Donnell is ranting on “The View”, but it made a hell of a lot of difference last night when everyone on “Dancing With The Stars”, seemed to be off on their every move!

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I like to have my sound and my picture at the same time. Ever since Time-Warner bought Adelphia, I’ve been having problems…and not just technical difficulties…which I refuse to stand by for! They dropped several of my favorite music channels, CMT and MTV2 from basic cable and made them available only in a premium package. Since the company hasn’t made a deal with the CW, I’m forced to miss “Smallville”, “Everybody Hates Chris” and “Veronica Mars”.

When I called Time-Warner customer service rep and got an unsympathetic response, I said, “Maybe it’s time to get a satellite dish.” He said arrogantly, “Maybe it is.”

March 27, 2007

When animal activists said, ” Knut the abandoned baby polar bear, would be better dead than be raised by humans”…animal lovers came to his rescue! At the Berlin Zoo, fans line up by the thousands to see him give the now famous “Knut Salute” to all of those foolish animal activists!

Last night when people tuned in to “Dancing with the Stars” to see if “the leg would fall off”, they weren’t disappointed! They were surprised , however, that it was host’s Tom Bergeron’s leg that fell off, not Heather Mills’ as expected.

Yesterday, Al Gore’s “Endangered Species” Luncheon, raised one million dollars to fight global warming! It was also noted that the Whooping Crane soup and American Buffalo steak was especially delicious!

The government of Zimbabwe has warned foreign journalists, “If they continue to report on the alleged brutality in their country, they will have the shit beaten out of them and fed to the hyenas!”

Hugh Hefner’s, “Girls Next Door”, Holly, Bridget and Kendra were arrested at LAX for bringing pornography into the United States! They were released immediately when it was discovered it was only their passport photos.

Additional funding for the Iraq War has become such a battle, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi now shows up for work in camouflage designer suits by Valentino.

There was so much pork added to the bill Congress presented to President Bush, last week, just reading it could give you Trichinosis!

Octogenarian and senior correspondent for “60 Minutes”, Mike Wallace, finally retired after his face cracked and crumbled into dust on last weeks show!

CBS, disappointed with diminishing returns on its Katie Couric investment, is considering cutting its losses, canning her ass and replacing her on the Evening News with veteran newsman, Ryan Seacrest!

March 24, 2007

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow inAustralia.”
– Charles Schultz, creator of “Peanuts”

“I wish I was the person my dog thinks I am!”
– A. Nonymous

“Art thrives on restrictions and on things left out. Paintings do not move, music has no image. It is in every case, the imaginative participation of the reader, the viewer, the auditor, that completes the circle and makes it art.”
-Nicholas Meyer, Director of Star Trek II and VI, Writer and Producer.

“You can polish shit…but you can’t make it shine”
George Tobin, producer of “Sad Eyes”, “I Think We’re Alone Now”

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”– Tom Waits

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”
– Albert Einstein

“You can’t push a bullet back into a gun, you say that you’re sorry but the damage is done. You may as well try to blow out the sun…you can’t push a bullet back into a gun!– Art Wayne

“It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.”—Voltaire

“It is better do something, than sit around, bitch and do nothing!”– W.D. Kent

“Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, It’s the only thing that ever has.”– Margaret Meade

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special Thanks to Laura Pinto for Charles Shultz, Caroline Prooth for A. Nonymous, Sebastian Prooth for Nicholas Meyer, Chet Allan for George Tobin, and Patti Dahlstrom for Voltaire.

March 23, 2007

Until the pet food recall crisis is over you can get daily updates here! Thank you for your e-mails asking about the health of Whoppy and Streaker. Fortunately my friend Sunny Smith talked me out of feeding them wet food many years ago and they aren’t at risk. Sadly, millions of pets are…but you’ll be able to know what’s going on and what’s being done to help our little pals.

March 22, 2007

It breaks my heart every time I hear of another pet dying from the 60 million tainted cans and pouches of wet dog and cat food that has been recalled. I get outraged when I realize that there is very little legal recourse that can be taken because animals are considered property rather than a member of the family. Shit! I’ve had some pets I’ve liked better than some members of my family!

It’s been a week since Menu Foods of Canada, told the public of the danger that face their pets if they eat their food sold in the the U.S. under almost 100 different names and they aren’t any closer to finding out what is causing animals to die from kidney failure! What amazes me are the stats released yesterday, which show the company tested the food months ago and one out of six animals died from eating the food! ONE OUT OF SIX! Wasn’t that enough reason to keep the product off the market?

Isn’t anyone out there looking out for our little pals? Where is PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals? Isn’t this a cause they should champion, instead of the self-promoting stunts they pull to draw media attention? Who do you turn to even get information about this crisis? Here’s a place to get daily updates on Menu Foods Pet food recall http://www.howl911.com/ but what do we do now?

As I was writing this article, a new exterminator sent by the landlord, came to my door. I told him I had 2 cats and asked him if the chemicals he used would be safe. I also threw in that I was once hospitalized by noxious pesticide fumes and suffered from severe allergies and respritory problems. He smiled and assured me that what he was using was absolutely safe and everything would be ok in 15 minutes.

I quickly drew up a paper I wanted him to sign that said;

I understand that you are highly allergic to pesticide and you and your pets might be at risk. I guarantee that you or your pets will not be harmed from the chemicals I use (please list). Along with his signature I asked for his name, company, drivers license and exterminators license number. At this point he had me speak to his boss. Who said there was no problem and I could come back safely to my house after eight hours. EIGHT HOURS is not 15 minutes! Obviously the exterminator who told me 15 minutes was lying. He wanted to come in, spray, collect his money and leave.

My white tomcat Whoppy is currently under doctors care for an eye infection and I will not put him, his girlfriend Streaker or myself at risk. I asked the landlord to give me at least a weeks notice so I can find a place for us to stay until it’s safe to return to my apartment…fortunately he’s a cat owner, so I don’t anticipate a problem.

I’ve always tried to help animals but now I realize it’s going to take millions of us pet lovers to really make a difference in how pets are perceived and subsequently treated. Does anyone out there have any ideas?

In a recent survey, it was revealed that 4 out of 5 Americans are either taking prescription or illegal drugs. It is also noted, that the opening line of a conversation at a bar is no longer “Hey baby, what’s your sign?, but “Hey baby, what are you on?”

When Vice President Dick Cheney, was asked by a reporter if the US obtained the remarkable confessions from Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed by using torture? Cheney turned red and snarled, “If we had him for another day he also would’ve confessed to the Kennedy assassination!”

When Angelina Jolie, clutching her newly adopted 3 year old Vietnamese little boy, was asked by a reporter, “Isn’t he a little old to be breast feeding?”, the little boy turned around and winked!

Diana Ross is still embarrassed about the poor, out of tune performance she gave on “American Idol” last week. A conversation was posted on the internet by a fan who was there with a cell phone, and picked up Simon Cowell, whispering to Paula Abdul that “Diana’s performance was dreadful…sang the wrong song in the wrong key…was pitchey…and lacked originality” A miffed Paula replies, “Don’t you ever have anything positive to say?” at which point Simon says, “OK…her shoes were nice!”

On “Dancing With The Stars”, Heather Mills did a lively foxtrot and was given a score of 6 from each of the judges. When the the audience saw 666, the mark of the beast, half of them crossed themselves and ran out of the studio!

Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial and the prosecution has already rejected members of the Crystals and the Ronnettes.

After spending 2 years in prison, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael, begged for his daughter’s forgiveness…and to be hooked up with her friend, Paris Hilton!

When his application for a visa was denied 3 times for advocating the violent overthrow of the US Government, the President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, simply sneaked over the Mexican border and made his scheduled appearance at the UN!

Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne

Special thanks to Richard Yannotti and Chet Allan for their submissions.