Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

The NFL draft is in a few days and some of the best prospects are defensive players. Being a defensive player may be sought after in the world of football, but not so much in the world of intimate relationships.

Defensiveness is the way we protect ourself from a perceived attack. We typically think of defensiveness as righteous indignation, which makes you feel very justified in your stance. It is a way of blaming your partner by saying “I am not the problem, you are”. We can also shoot out defensiveness to our partner by means of a venomous counterattack. We keep score and make sure we stay ahead. A less obvious way of being defensive is to to act like an innocent victim. This is done by whining and making self-sacrificing statements, like “I guess I am just a terrible husband who can never get it right”. You don’t want to be blamed for anything so you assume all of the blame, not giving your partner any room to criticize or shame you further.

When you are defensive you have a hard time seeing your role in the conflict. You can’t focus on your partner’s complaint or expression of painful emotions because you are too busy formulating your defensive strategy. You become closed minded, squelching any chance of having a conversation that will help you work through a conflict or feel more emotionally connected to your partner. Your partner is left feeling unheard, angry, and frustrated . . . very, very frustrated.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

John Gottman has identified defensiveness as on the of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, meaning one of the patterns present in relationships that has the power to lead to divorce. Defensiveness is destructive because we become more focused on ourself than our partner. We find it impossible to admit any responsibility. We see every flaw in our partner, but none in ourself. When you can’t admit that you are not perfect and have room to grow, the relationship suffers greatly.

The Antidote to Defensiveness

In relationships that work, couples down-regulate their defensiveness by being aware of their partners pain and remembering their love for that person. They try very hard to listen to their partner and look for the grain of truth in their complaints. They take responsibility for how they contributed to the problem.

The first step towards working on defensiveness is to realize that you are doing it. You begin to recognize how your sensitivity, fears or feelings of inadequacy are interfering. Then you must work on being able to listen to your partners complaints or pain. While not always easy to do, you look for opportunities to truly understand what your partner is saying and get to a point where you can say, “I can see why you feel that way.” When you can accept that your partner’s feelings are valid, even if they are different from your own, your partner will feel validated and understood.

When we are defensive we work on winning the battle, but unfortunately we may lose the war in the process. When we work on our defensiveness we grow as a person, and our relationship has a chance to deepen and flourish.

In October we put on another Art and Science of LoveWeekend Workshop. It was our biggest workshop to date. As we reflected on the success of the workshop we realized there are many reasons we love this work.

1. We love seeing couples committed to working on their relationships. At this workshop we had couples travel far and wide to deep their connection, including Virginia, Illinois, Mexico and even South Africa. Good things happen when couples commit to building friendship and intimacy.

2. The fact that we had couples from such diverse locations speaks volumes to how Gottman Method Couples Counseling is spreading. Therapists trained in this method are now in Australia, Canada, Korea, Norway, Sweden and Turkey. A therapist from Mexico attended our workshop and she now is seeking Level 1 training. It is exhilarating to be involved in this global movement.

3. We love and appreciate the support of our partners in putting on our workshops. Both of our husbands help us role play techniques taught over the course of the weekend. We demonstrate how to deal with actual issues from our personal lives. Invariably evaluations show this to be a favorite part of our workshop. Seeing the vulnerability of our partners and learning that all couples have conflict make this approach very accessible to participants.

4. We love that this is a comfortable process for couples. Couples appreciate that we make the workshop fun and interactive, yet a private, intimate experience. It is not therapy yet yields the same results as 6 month of marital therapy.

5. This material works! Time and again we have seen couples re-ignite the flames of passion, smooth out rough spots or make a complete transformation in their relationship over the course of the weekend. Gottman Method Couples Therapy is based on 40+ years of research and the techniques used are powerful.

At the end of every initial couples therapy session I ask the couple to tell me what they hope to achieve by coming to counseling. The number one response is to improve communication. They have become ships passing in the night, no longer talking to one another.

Prior to leaving my office we must coordinate a time for the three of us to meet again. The simple act of scheduling an appointment becomes telling of the pecking order in their relationship. The order is typically 1) work schedules, 2) children’s activities, 3) activities with friend’s or extended family members, 4) personal obligations like salon appointments or cross-fit, and finally 5) their relationship.

What does putting your relationship last on the list communicate to your partner?

When couples tell me they have a problem communicating, I am quite sure they are referring to conversation. But the definition of communication according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is “the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else”.

It is true that happy couples talk more, but they also communicate caring, interest, respect and appreciation in myriad other ways throughout the week. How do they do it?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman followed up with couples who attended their Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop. They found that successful couples reported devoting, on average, six hours per week to one another. Skills learned in the workshop taught them that little things can make a big difference.

We all have competing obligations, but devoting five out of 168 hours is manageable for all couples once they make the health of their relationship a priority.

Here’s what happy couples do in those six hours:

1. Have a daily goodbye/parting ritual. Spend a few minutes talking about what each of you has going on that day. Being curious about what your partner has planned expresses interest in them.

2. Have a daily coming home/reunion ritual. Spend 10 minutes each communicating high and low points of the day. Be supportive of the stressors your partner experienced and communicate warmth and understanding.

3. Express fondness and admiration. Call, text, leave notes, or say it face-to-face, but find a few minutes each day to express what you like about your partner or what they are doing right.

4. Be physically affectionate. Hold hands, snuggle on the couch or give a back rub. Be sure to kiss hello, goodbye, good night and good morning. Physical affection conveys tenderness and caring.

5. Have a weekly date. Find time each week to devote a few hours to each other. Ask open ended questions and explore your partner’s thoughts and feelings on everything from where they want to go on vacation to what their biggest fears are. Even if you can’t afford a sitter or expensive restaurant, sit out on the patio after the kids are in bed and devote time to one another. Dates are meant to be fun and relaxing and a way to re-connect.

6. Process a fight or regrettable incident. Even if it has been a rough week, don’t store up your anger and resentments by shutting down and turning away from your partner. Process the deeper meaning of conflicts and you will be surprised by how much you learn about your partner and how you can feel more connected in the process.

The bottom line is, if you feel like you and your partner are not communicating well, expand your definition of communication and find five hours in your weekly schedule to devote to one another.

The recently published study of Facebook participants and how emotions can spread across social networks caused a big stir. The researchers called it “emotional contagion”, meaning that our moods are affected by our friend’s posts.

That study is the tip of the iceberg on how social media affects us. As a couple’s therapist I can tell you not a week goes by that I don’t hear the myriad ways Facebook impacts relationships. And yes, that definitely affects your mood.

Here are some common scenarios . . .

1. Singles often use Facebook as a free, online dating site. You could meet new people through friends of friends or reignite an old flame. Meeting someone this way feels safer than engaging with total strangers.

The down side is everyone makes themselves look better on Facebook. You miss body language, facial expressions and tone, three things that help us discern sincerity from deception. Online communication often turns from platonic to flirty (or sexual) very quickly. While that may be ego boosting, it can also cause poor decision making early in relationships as we can confuse lust for love.

2. Facebook can be a source of relationship betrayal, and that includes everything from arousing feelings of jealousy to actual infidelity.

Our egos demand that we collect many Facebook friends, the higher the number, the better. Problems arise when these friends are not friends of the couple. Exes, co-workers and old friends are all targets of jealousy by your partner. Commenting on how great your co-worker looks in her bikini seems innocent enough, but problems with trust almost always ensue.

Since it is easy to meet or re-connect with someone on Facebook, it is the genesis of many extra-relationship affairs. Facebook is available 24/7, thus increasing the temptation to communicate. It is easy to hide messages from your partner, and you can even change your password or block your partner from seeing your timeline.

3. We all have curiosity about our exes when we break up, but Facebook makes it easy for us to keep tabs on them. Why unfriend your ex when you can see their relationship status, where they are going, who they are with and how much fun they are having? Facebook stalking is a form of throwing salt on your own wound.

It seems logical to point an accusing finger at Facebook for these relationship issues, but social media is not the the problem. Poor boundaries, loss of friendship/romance, and lack of trust are the underlying causes of pain.

The internet provides convenience in all aspects of life, and that includes relationship issues. Before social media we would “go the store to get milk” to create time to see our affair partner. Now all we have to do is log on and that could be while we are in bed next to our spouse. We used to have to drive by our exes apartment or workplace to keep tabs on them, but Facebook stalking is much more efficient.

The internet gives the illusion of secrecy so we say and do things we wouldn’t dream of saying in person, especially in the presence of our spouse. Making negative comparisons of your real life partner to a photoshopped Facebook picture makes the fantasy of a perfect partner feel more real. But these things are major boundary violations in your relationship and help you to jump on the express train to infidelity.

If your relationship is suffering and Facebook is a central theme, it may be wise to dig below the surface. Facebook is most likely a symptom of bigger problems.

This is Houston, say again, please.

Houston, we have a problem . . . our marriage is failing and we need help . . . fast.

Failure is not an option.

Forgive my embellishment of these famous movie quotes from Tom Hanks and Ed Harris in Apollo 13, one of my all-time favorite movies. Having seen the flick at least a dozen times I never tire of the suspense, the drama, the teamwork and the fact that it is a true story. It’s for the same reasons that I love working with couples. Often they radio in with their crisis and hope that the expert can help them navigate back to safety.

But just like in the real Apollo 13 drama where the crew did not know if they would survive, we can’t always answer the frantic “Can you save my marriage?” call with a resounding yes. Like the NASA team, we assess the situation and determine how bad the damage is.

In the course of that assessment we look for the predictors of divorce. We observe the couple in their interaction to see if there is a sense of we-ness (a good sign) or a sense of me-ness (a warning sign). Are they joining together or leading parallel lives? We look for expressions fondness and admiration, as well as feelings of negativity.

In addition to keeping our eyes peeled on their patterns of interaction, we interview them extensively about the history of their relationship. In the early 90s John Gottman conducted research that showed we can predict marriage stability by looking at how fondly or critically couples remember the course of their marriage. Asking questions about how they met, their early dating phase, decision to commit, good times/bad times and how they traversed the course of their marriage over time gives us clues on how disillusioned they are about their relationship. Gottman found that disillusionment and disappointment, especially in men, was the single most powerful predictor of divorce.

For example, if a husband was hopeful about marriage recovery he might recall their first date like this: “I got lost going to the restaurant and I was so worried that she would think negatively of me. She thought it was funny and we laughed the whole way . . . we figured it out together”. If he is disillusioned in the marriage he will rewrite history and remember it like this: “I got lost on the way to the restaurant and I felt like she was laughing at me. She never let me forget it and to this day she criticizes my sense of direction.”

This is valuable assessment data, but we don’t stop at assessment. Gottman’s work has also given us preventative measures/antidotes to the problems that lead to such disillusionment. Like the NASA team, we are eternal optimists. We work with couples so they learn how to do a zillion small things in their relationship to help them “re-enter the earth’s atmosphere without burning up”.

My son will be starting high school next year and he must select an area of emphasis to guide him in course selection, such as Law Enforcement or Science and Technology. His initial reaction was to choose a path that matched his aptitude, not necessarily his passion.

This has generated plenty of discussion around the dinner table. My husband and I shared how neither one of us followed our intuition or passion and initially wound up in unfulfilling jobs.

One of my favorite authors, Wayne Dyer, often says “Don’t die with your music still inside you.”. In his latest book I Can See Clearly Now, he details the twists and turns his life took and how he always followed his intuition and passion to create a life of purpose and fulfillment.

We all have music inside us and we all have dreams. Careers should be full of passion, not just paychecks. But passions also arise in many other areas, such as travel, adventures, sports, creative outlets . . . there is no limit when it comes to passion and dreams. These are not just bucket-list items to be checked off, but things we feel called to do in our lifetime.

As I reflected on how I arrived in a career that I love, I felt a debt of gratitude for my husband. He has supported me along the way in more ways that I can count. And I have done the same for him.

In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, making life dreams come true is at the top of the Sound Relationship House because it is one of the necessary ingredients in relationships that work. In fact, Gottman believes it is the most important thing.

Initially I was surprised by this statement, but as I now reflect on it, I can see from personal experience that when partners support each others dreams it generates many positive feelings. We feel heard and supported in our relationship, cherished by our partner and happier in our life. And I believe the same is true for our children too.

My son’s music is just now emerging, literally. While he may have an aptitude for math, his passion is creating music. The teen years are full of inspiration and dreams, and how he navigates his adolescence will have a tremendous impact on the rest of his life. Helping him to feel safe to explore his dreams and to feel the supported is one of the best gifts I can give him.

Ever been chased by a bear?

Me neither, but I know a thing or two about feeling overwhelmed in a dangerous situation.

A few years ago my husband fainted while driving 70 mph on a highway. Instantly realizing I had to maneuver us to safety, I ripped off my seatbelt, took the wheel and reached my foot over to the brake. It wasn’t until we were safe that I realized my son was crying and in a state of panic. And because my only thought was not dying on that highway, I had not even processed what happened to my husband. He came to and gained composure, but I was completely flooded . . . breathless, sweaty and weak. That’s a classic fight or flight response to a dangerous situation.

John Gottman found in his research that physiology of partners during conflict discussion can be like my fight or flight response, especially in ailing relationships. When one partner feels attacked and overwhelmed, or chased by an angry bear, there is often heightened diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). This causes feelings of unmanageable stress, such as inability to think, hear or communicate clearly, sweaty palms, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure. All we want in that moment is for the bear to stop chasing us and to get to safety. Sometimes we fight back to overpower the bear, and sometimes we run away from the bear.

Managing DPA in conflict discussions is necessary, otherwise it gets in the way of productive discussions. The cascade of physiological stress symptoms interferes with our ability to problem solve. We cannot be a good listener when we are flooded. Go back to my fight or flight experience. I wasn’t even aware of my son screaming, crying and panicking, so there is no way you will be able to hear an angry spouse when you are flooded. Empathy and creative thinking fly out the window, along with our humor and understanding . We need to get calm to take in better information and to engage in an effective discussion.

If you are prone to flooding, knowing how to self soothe and bring your physiology back to normal is important. Practice the following steps when you get flooded:

1. Learn to recognize the physiological signs that you are flooding. A good indication is your heart rate, which can rise to well over 100 beats/minute when you are in DPA.

2. Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion and take 15-20 minutes to calm down. Do something that distracts you from the conflict, such as playing Words with Friends or reading a magazine.

4 Try progressive muscle relaxation. Starting with your feet and legs, lift and hold for several seconds, or until the muscles start to feel warm. Release and feel the heaviness and subsequent relaxation of the muscles. Move up your body (buttocks, abdomen, arms, shoulders, neck/head), repeating the same procedure.

5. Try visualization. Think of a soothing scene, like a beach or relaxing on a hammock under the stars. Imagine, in detail, what is there . . . the sights, sounds and smells. Allow yourself to be transported to a “safer”, more soothing environment.

A good break to reverse the physiology of DPA lasts 20-30 minutes. Once you are relaxed try to return to the conversation with your partner. Remember, a break is a break and not an opportunity to flee the scene. You must return to the conversation because if you don’t it will feel like punishment and make matters worse.

“When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.” Daniel Wile, After the Honeymoon

Truer words have not been spoken. Most couples have the same arguments over and over and over again. In his research, John Gottman found that these perpetual problems account for 69% of the issues couples face. In long term studies, the date on the calendar was the only thing that changed.

Why do couples have perpetual problems?

The reason these hamster wheel arguments occur is because compromise fails to work on some issues. Take religion for example. When one partner is Catholic and the other is Jewish they may not have an issue before they marry and have children. But once the kids come along they may deeply desire their children to practice their faith. They dig their heels in because they think their views are correct and their partner’s are misguided.

Then the fighting begins.

Over time these hot button issues can become gridlocked. When this happens both partners refuse to budge on their position and dig their heels in further. The more they defend their position on the issue, the more they feel criticized and disliked by their partner.

Just like deeply held convictions, personalities also don’t change over time. An extroverted husband will never make his introverted wife morph into a social butterfly, no matter how great a case he makes that extroverts are better.

So what’s the answer?

In a word, dialogue . . . talking with the intent to understand and accept your partner rather than fighting and criticizing in an attempt to make them see how deeply flawed they are.

Recently in our Art & SCIENCE of Love Couples Weekend Workshop we drove this point home by teaching several techniques to better understand one another. It’s amazing what a little listening and understanding can do. Here’s what they said on exit surveys:

1. Came to epiphany on key area of conflict, which helped us move forward.

2. It gave me the tools to address major conflict area and confidence to use them.

3. Gave me hope that my husband will understand that he can have a perception of a situation and mine may be different.

4. Perpetual issue discussion…we need improvements in this area and I think this helped us take steps in the right direction.

5. Processing past regrettable incidents was very helpful in talking and being heard on an issue we had felt bad about for 2 years. It gave us hope that we will be able to gently take out the garbage.

6. More understanding on both sides of gridlock issue has been established.

When couples can accept one another’s differences, they tend to mellow over time and can often find amusement in the situation. It’s like the movie When Harry Met Sally. Throughout the movie it drove Harry nuts that Sally ordered everything on the side. But by the end of the movie he came to accept it and said I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

We are just a few years short of the century anniversary of the 19th Amendment that gave women the right to vote. Much has changed for women in the last 100 years and that has spilled over into changes in relationship dynamics.

For example, in the early 60s men were not allowed in the delivery room to see their children born. But now 91% not only watch, they actively participate in that special moment. When my son was born by C-section, I was being stitched up and my husband was the first to hold our bundle of joy . . . now I was the one that felt left out. Yes, the times have changed.

It’s no surprise that two income families are becoming the norm. Women outnumber men in higher education enrollment and that means they now vie for higher paying jobs. While women still lag behind men in equal pay, men are losing their status as sole breadwinners. A recent Pew Research analysis showed that of all married couples 24% had women as breadwinner, and that number is 30% among newlyweds. This is up from 6% in 1960.

In his research of couples, John Gottman found that men who accept these changes are way ahead of the game in the world of parenting and relationships. They are sharing power and allowing themselves to be influences by their partner’s point of view. Women who feel respected in this way are happier in their relationships. And as we say in Texas, if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

But accepting your partner’s point of view is a two-way street. Women must allow themselves to be influenced by their husband’s point of view, especially in the area of parenting or other traditionally held female roles. But the truth is women generally do a far better job of accepting influence from men than men do from women.

Developmental psychologists have found the roots of this in childhood. Girls accept influence from boys, but boys almost never accept influence from girls. This is most likely due to the fact that boys and girls are raised to manage emotions differently. Boys learn to deal with emotion quickly and “to keep the ball in play”. Girls “play house” and nurture baby dolls in their play, and they love playing with others. This means that when both genders come together at puberty, girls are more experienced about relationships.

Gottman’s work suggests there is a new kind of male partner that is emerging, one that is adapting to these changes. The new male has reset his priorities and is turning towards relationships.

When men have a hard time accepting influence they say “no” and try to hang onto their power. They become obstacles in the relationship. They dismiss their wives needs and emotions and become righteously indignant. And they also become lonely.

We are living in a world-wide revolution that is trying to correct the imbalance that has been historically there for women. As women become more psychologically and economically empowered they no longer accept feeling powerless or stuck in unfulfilling relationships.

Thanksgiving is upon us and that warms my heart. Over the past 20 years my husband and I have unwittingly developed rituals around this day of gratitude. We honor his family tradition of tamales and football and my love of Brussels sprouts and my friend Mary, who has spent 18 of the last 20 Thanksgivings with us. When any of these things are missing from our day, it simply doesn’t feel right.

And that is how rituals go. They are routines that create shared meaning in relationships and strengthen emotional connections. Notice that Creating Shared Meaning is at the top of the Sound Relationship House, the model we use in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Rituals are important in relationships because we look forward to them . . . they symbolize who we are as a couple or as a family. They have the power to smooth over rough spots and transitions that we all naturally experience over the course of time.

We tend to think of rituals on holidays, especially ones that honor cultural heritage, faith or family values. But rituals on a smaller scale are equally important. How couple and families routinely come together creates a sense of belonging. Rituals demonstrate that we take time out of our busy schedules to make one another a priority.

Here are some examples of rituals from my own family, as well as ones I have heard from other couples and families:

Six second kiss when you wake up, when you say goodnight, and when you come and go

Family dinnertime where everyone talks about their day

Walking the dog every evening

Making a cheesecake for your partner on their birthday because it is their favorite dessert

Going for pancakes every Saturday morning

Weekly date night

Returning to your honeymoon destination every year on your anniversary

Leaving love notes by the coffee maker for your partner to find every morning

Training for a distance bike ride together

Watching a favorite TV show together

How you approach your partner for sex

Family game night

Going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve

Snuggling for 10 minutes every morning after the alarm goes off

Parents and kids volunteering once per month at an animal shelter

Planting a vegetable garden every year

And my son’s favorite . . . serving his “lucky” foods (Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino and shrimp cocktail) before he plays a football game

Rituals create positive memories and are like glue in relationships . . . they keep you connected. What are the rituals in your relationships?