Suzette Martinez Standring: A love story in two voices

“I love you” are three very reassuring words. Flip the coin, and three very frightening words are, “I have cancer.” To talk about death and dying with even close friends is too painful.

Suzette Martinez Standring

“I love you” are three very reassuring words. Flip the coin, and three very frightening words are, “I have cancer.” To talk about death and dying with even close friends is too painful.

Leah Vande Berg and Nick Trujillo did not want others to feel alone at such a frightening time. Married and both professors of communication at California State University, Sacramento, they co-wrote a book, “Cancer and Death: A Love Story in Two Voices” (Hampton Press, 2008). Told from their viewpoints, it is a rare narrative of what a couple experiences when one spouse battles cancer.

At first, 54-year-old Leah dismissed persistent cramps as nothing serious. Perhaps her stomach pains were just irritating signs of aging. Though it worried her 49-year-old husband, Nick took his cue from her.

Leah delayed seeing a doctor, instead choosing to steel herself, for a while, against the pain to meet a hectic teaching schedule.

But one day Leah used her husband’s pet name to break the bad news to him, “Mr. Nickers, I have cancer.”

To battle Stage IV ovarian cancer, Leah went through radiation, chemotherapy and surgery. But after a period of remission, the cancer returned, and that’s when the couple decided to write their book. Many aspects of their lives were tested by the challenges of cancer. Spirituality was just one example.

Nick described himself as “a mostly-fallen Catholic, hanging by a thread.” Skeptical of an afterlife, he never expected a miraculous cure, nor did he “blame” God. He attended Mass and recited prayers, but he found little solace in religion.

Especially hurtful was the trite reassurance from well-meaning friends.

Nick wrote, “I did not get any comfort from people who said that Leah's death was ‘part of God's plan.’ I am glad they did get comfort from that belief, but to me the idea that God would plan for Leah to die in this way just didn't, and still doesn't, make sense. I want God to do bigger things in the cosmos rather than sitting around plotting the various ways that us small humans will die.”

Battling alongside his wife weakened rather than strengthened Nick’s faith. On the faith front, he wondered if he wasn’t open enough, but he did feel grateful that Leah’s faith brought her tremendous comfort.

Leah was a Christian in the Reformed Church. She believed God would give her inner strength, but she did wonder why her, why now? Did she do something wrong? Reading scriptures, meditation and prayer refreshed her. Hope was not grounded in a cure, nor did she expect her faith to explain or justify her condition. A certainty of an afterlife and being reunited with God gave her courage. Her question of “why me” turned into “why not me?”

Leah wrote, “One of the lessons God might have wanted me to learn is that I labor under the illusion that I am in control of the direction of my life and what is around me. In addition I believe that this life on earth really is not the most important life. However, I have not lived my life this way. I have always been more focused on the day after tomorrow rather than the hereafter of tomorrow … I did not always put my spiritual life in the forefront of my life.”

In 2004, Leah passed away, and their joint diary was not published until 2008, about 3 1/2 years after her death. Nick waited to reach an emotional place of “true joy and happiness” before penning the final chapter, “Life Really Does Go On.”

Over time, he rediscovered his love for teaching, made new friends, traveled and even dated. Watching Leah face death with courage and grace inspired and changed him for the better.

“I am also kinder. When you watch your loved one die, other stuff becomes far less important. I used to take office politics way too seriously, but I have no interest in writing a pissy memo ever again. I am also more joyous. I really do live my life now according to the credo ‘Life is Short.’ I do not take anything for granted. I spend more time doing things I really enjoy. I am more outgoing and sociable, and my circle of friends has expanded. I smile a lot more than I used to. And I have discovered that most people smile back at me,” wrote Nick.

Nick and Leah’s true love story told in two voices lets others on the same journey know they are not alone.

Contact Suzette Standring at suzmar@comcast.net. Visit www.readsuzette.com. She is the author of “The Art of Column Writing.”

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.