a blade of grass

… he told me that perfection could be learned from nature. be more humble than a blade of grass; more tolerant than a tree. give respect to others freely, without expectation or motive. in such a state of mind, stripped bare of your false pretenses, call out to your Lord eternally. i’m still working on it …

2008/04/01

The other day, a dear friend and godbrother (who also happens to be an executive at one of the largest corporations in the world -- I'm not one to drop names, but "don't leave home without it" if you catch my meaning) called me (from work!) just to tell me that he misses reading my "Vaisnava Joke of the Week" -- a bit of Hare Krishna humor I used to send out to friends and family over email. He asked if I could start sending them out again.

Humor can be tricky, and religious humor even trickier. The VJOTW was always meant to be in good fun, but it did raise an eyebrow or two.

Still, many readers enjoyed it -- and hearing Gauravani recite one of my original VJOTWs from stage at Kuli Mela in New Vrindaban was about as great a reward as one could hope for in the "corny devotee jokes" department.

So, anyway, in honor of April Fool's Day, I thought I'd share some of the classic VJOTW. I'm cutting and pasting, so sorry for the formatting. Anyway, enjoy!

Be warned: you can stop reading... right ... now.

***

Meeting With the Board

After delivering a long, dry Bhagavatam lecture, theTemple President announced that he wished to meet withthe temple board after the program, in his office. Hereturned to the office to find that the first personto arrive was an older Indian man, whom he didn'trecognize.

“Pardon me, Prabhuji," the President said, "I thinkyou misunderstood my announcement. This is a meetingof the board.”

“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here morebored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

***

Yamaraja's Gain is Indra's Loss

An engineer died and ended up in the Hellish Planets.He was not pleased with the level of comfort there andbegan to redesign and build improvements. Afterawhile, they had western style toilets that flush, airconditioning, and escalators. All the Yamaduttas andresidents of Hell grew very fond of him.

One day Indra called Yamaraj and asked, "So, how's itgoing down there in Hell?"

Yamaraja replied, "Hey, things are great. We've gotair conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, andthere's no telling what this engineer is going to comeup with next." Indra was surprised, "What? You've gotan engineer? That's a mistake. He should never havegotten down there in the first place. Send him up hereto the Heavenly Planets."

Yamaraja laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And justwhere are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

***

Radha Dasi, an ISKCON sunday school teacher, wasteaching a lesson on how Krsna is simultaneouslywithin everything and distinct from everything.Concerned that the students (who were between the agesof 5 and 8) might have a tough time with such anesoteric subject, Radha tried to get the discussionrolling by asking the students a question. "Where isBhagavan Sri Krsna?" she asked .

Several hands shot up. 8 year old Nitai answeredconfidently: "He's in Goloka Vrindaban!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at RadhaMataji, and waited for her response. Stunned, she wascompletely speechless for a few very long seconds.Realizing that the children were depending on her, shefinally cleared her throat, adjusted her sari, and --putting on her most pleasant and calm smile -- askedMadhava how he knew this.

Little Madhava replied, "Well, every morning beforework my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door,and yells: 'Hai Bhagavan, are you still in there?'"

***

"Bhagavatam Class Break"

A sannyasi, known for his extra lengthy Bhagavatamclasses, was giving a lecture when he noticed a manget up and leave during the middle of his class. Theman returned just before the conclusion of the class.

Afterward the Swami asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," the man replied.

"Well," said the irritated sannyasi , "why didn't youthink to do that before the Bhagavatam class started?"

"Because," the gentleman said calmly, "I didn't needone then."

***

"WAITING FOR HIS KURTA"

Caitanya dasa Brahmacari patiently saved up to buy a new "bagalbandhi" kurta. He went to the best tailor's shop in Loi Bazaar, full of excitement. The tailor measured him and said, "Come back in a week, and--if Krishna wills--your kurta will be ready."

The brahmacari contained himself for a week and then excitedly went back to the shop. But the tailor shook his head and told Caitanya: "There has been a delay. But--if Krishna wills--your kurta will be ready tomorrow."

The following day Caitanya dasa returned, more hopeful that ever. "So sorry," said the simple tailor, "but it is not quite finished. Try tomorrow, and--if Krishna wills--it will be ready."

Caitanya dasa paused, scratched his chin, and then lowered his voice. "How long will it take," he whispered, "if you just leave Krishna out of it?"

***

Crossing Over

Three prabhus, Mahabaho dasa, Buddhi Yoga dasa and Jaladutta dasa, were part of a Brahmacari Yatra. They got separated from the rest of the group and ended up in a deep jungle area. After walking for a long time, they finally came to a large, raging river, with a violent current. They needed to get to the other side, but none had any idea of how to do so.

Mahabaho Prabhu prayed to Krsna, saying, "He Bhagavan! You are the strength of the strong. Please give me the strength to cross this river." A voice from above declared "So be it," and ... poof ... Mahabaho had big muscular arms and strong legs. He dove in the river and was able to swim across it in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Jaladutta Prabhu prayed to Krsna, saying, "He Bhagavan! You are like the safest ship to cross over the ocean of birth and death. Please give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Again, the voice from above declared "So be it," and ... poof ... Jaladutta had a rowboat and big muscular arms and strong legs. He launched the boat into the water, and used his strong arms to row himself across the river in about an hour, although the winds almost knocked the boat over a couple of times.

Buddhi Yoga Prabhu had seen how this had worked out for his god-brothers, so he also prayed to Krsna saying, "He Bhagavan! You are the intelligence in all living beings. Please give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river." For a third time, the voice from above declared "So be it," and ... poof ... Jaladutta was transformed into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream for 10 minutes, and then walked across the bridge.

***

Box of Ladoos

An older Temple President was searching his closet for his fancy kurta before the program one Sunday afternoon. In the back of the closet, he found a small box he had never seen before, and opened it up. He was surprised to find that it contained three ladoos and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet and demanded to know why the box with the ladoos was there. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 20 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the TP asked her, "But why? We never keep secrets from one another."

The wife explained to her husband that she had kept the box a secret from him because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a bad lecture, she felt that she couldn't tell him her true feelings, so instead she used her energies to make a ladoo and then placed it in the box. The TP thought about it for a moment, and then decided that as weird as it was, no real harm was done. And besides, he thought to himself, three stinky classes in his 20 years of service was certainly nothing to feel bad about.

"That's alright. But then what is the $100 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that," she said smiling, "Each time I got a dozen ladoos, I sold them at the gift shop for $1."

***

and, of course, probably the most told and re-told Vaisnava joke...

"Phone Calls"

A Vaisnava-Catholic Dialouge was arranged at theVatican, and the TP of the Vrindaban ISKCON temple wasinvited to attend. The Pope took the TP for a tour ofthe gorgeous property. At the end of the tour, thePope stopped at a golden telephone sitting on abeautiful altar, and (with just a bit of pride in hisvoice) announced to the TP: "This is our very specialtelephone... it is a direct line to God, Himself."

The TP's eyes grew very wide, and respectfully heasked the Pope "Your Holiness, may I use the phone tocall God?"

"Yes, my son," the Pope responded, "But it is apay-phone and I'm afraid that it will cost you quite abit. It will be 8 million Lira per minute."

Disappointed, the TP said "Oh, okay... nevermind."After an awkward moment of silence, the Pope changedthe subject and the two religious leaders begandiscussing other topics. Soon, it was time for theTP to take his leave.

Later that week, the Pope began reflecting on how theTP had been unable to make the call because hecouldn't pay the toll. Feeling very guilty for notlending the poor Vaisnava sadhu some money, the Popedecided to atone by visiting him in Vrindaban andapologizing in person.

Arriving in Vrindaban, the Pope went straight to theKrishna Balarama temple to apologize to the TP. Whenhe got there, he was shocked to see a golden telephone-- very similar to the kind that was back at theVatican -- on the temple's altar.

"Ah, Your Holiness, welcome," said the gracious TP,"As you can see, we borrowed your good idea and gotourselves a phone like the one that you have at theVatican. Its great!"

Surprised (and a little humbled) the Pope, asked"Well, I'm going to have to speak with God Himselfabout this. May I use your phone?"

"Sure," the TP responded, "But this one is a payphonetoo. You'll have to pay 25 paisa for the call."

Now the Pope was shcoked! "25 paisa to speak with theSupreme Lord?!" he exclaimed, "Why so cheap?"

With a smile, the TP answered "Oh, for us, its just alocal call!"

=)

BONUS ENDING...

... after the Pope got off the phone, a Gujuratibrahmacari went up to the altar and -- without puttinga single paisa in the slot -- began to dial the phone."Hey Prabhu," the TP cried out, "To speak withKrishna, you can use the phone but you have to atleast pay the 25 paisa."

The brahmacari thought about it for a moment, and thenhis eyes lit up with an idea.