Bob Saget Gives Us The Inside Dirt On His New Standup Special

The filthiest former sitcom dad in history tells Maxim all about his new show.

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The filthiest former sitcom dad in history tells Maxim all about his new show.

Sure, he used to play the gentle and wise Danny Tanner on Full House and was the squeaky-clean host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, but anyone who’s seen Bob Saget do standup or his “Aristocrats” joke knows that he is one dirty mofo. On the eve of his new hour-long Showtime special That’s What I’m Talkin’ About, we chatted with Bob about stoned audiences, giant hoagies, and fitting John Stamos into his mouth.

Tell us about That’s What I’m Talkin’ About.

It’s just a silly, fun standup special, and I’m real proud of it. We shot two shows at the Moore Theater in Seattle, and the audience was really nice. They were drinking and they were smoked up, so…

You think they were all stoned?

It’s not legal there, but you can’t arrest an entire audience. Actually, I guess you could if they brought a bunch of buses. That would’ve been a good end to the special, arresting the whole audience.

You’ve been doing more singing in your act, right?

Yes, it’s about half standup and half music. One of the songs is called “The Girl From Driftwood Nursing Home.”

Oh boy.

It’s like, I love her but she’s way past that stage. It’s probably not a good time to try to hook up some someone. Or, it is a good time if you think they’re handing those documents over. But this is a song about real love, not someone who is after someone’s money or anything. This is real for me.

Of course it is!

It’s kind of a public service announcement, the whole special in general. It’s telling people not to drink to the point where they have leakage, to stop taking sleeping pills on planes and farting on me. It’s kind of educational, I think, and of course I always do the obligatory “don’t have sex with animals cause you’re 18 and don’t know any better and you can’t get anything else” routine.

At this point, do people know what they’re getting into when they see a Bob Saget show? Or are they still expecting to see Danny from Full House?

No, nobody thinks that. I mean, since that show’s been off, I’ve done so many dirty things to balance it that now people say to me, “You’re gonna be filthy.” They’ll be like, “I can’t believe you were on that show!”

It would be “poo.” It’s appropriate to say to a two-year-old. I think it’s better than saying a curse word if there are kids there, and if you need a curse word, it’s poo. You can step in it. I think poo is good.

What’s the worst hangover you ever had?

This is great. This is like Drunk Jeopardy!. I think it was after a breakup, I just went on a bender. But I wasn’t alone in a house with a bottle of booze. It wasn’t a country western song.

What was your first car?

It was an Olds Cutlass, and I totaled it. I lived in Palms, which is a very small area in L.A., and I had it parked in front of my apartment building. I heard a crash, and a couple hit it as hard as they could—they rear-ended it and totaled it. But it was a beautiful Cutlass that I burned with burning love for.

Do you have a scar that tells a story?

John Stamos and Dave Coulier and a few other people, we were in the bowling suite—that’s a suite with a bowling alley—at The Palms in Vegas, and we all had cigars. I was running up the lane cause a ball was stuck, and I dropped my cigar down the ball return. One of my friends was drunk or stoned or something, and when I went to go pick it up, he bowled and the ball hit the pin changer metal device and gashed a huge hole in my wrist. So I have a scar on my wrist that was caused by trying to pick up my cigar. The bowling jaws of life cut me open.

Do you have a party trick?

I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

I was gonna say John Stamos, but that’s probably not a good answer.

What’s the one thing to remember in a fist fight?

Don’t start flailing and crying like a panicked girl. I got in one in sixth grade. I was really panicked and didn’t know what to do cause I wanted to hurt the guy—but I didn’t want to hurt him—so I ended up just scratching his elbows.

Who was the last person to see you naked?

That would be my last relationship, and she chose to go blind after that.

Finish this sentence: If I ruled the world for a day, I would…

Make a hoagie long enough to go around the world, so everybody gets to have some. That would be a heal-the-world kind of thing. And then, if it could stop all the killing, that would be good.