And if you call now, because you know we can’t do this all day, you can get gay married for free

August 5, 2010

“So you can get gay married in California again?” I say after hearing the ruling that Proposition 8 in California, a ballot initiative that re-banned gay marriage in Cali, had been ruled unconstitutional by a U.S. District Judge.

“Not yet,” says Tina the Lesbian. “There’s a been a stay issued on the ruling by the Prop 8 side so they can appeal it to the next highest court.

“So there was a small window of time between the judge’s ruling that Prop 8 was unconstitutional and when the stay was filed where gays could have been married?” I say.

“Not really, because a bunch of gays ran to City Hall to get hitched before that supposed window closed, but they couldn’t do it,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Apparently as soon as a ruling comes down from a court you can’t necessarily act on it right away.”

“Still, that is quite a commitment to get married,” I say. “Straight people just get married on a whim while in Vegas at a drive-thru chapel, but these gays were on call, waiting for that decision to come down, and then when it did they got all their shit into the appropriate office within minutes. They were on this motherfucker. They were like the Mission:Impossible of homosexuals. They were the A-Team of Gay Teams, and they love it when a gay plan comes together.”

“They probably called out of work that day too,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That had to be an interesting call to the boss. ‘Hey, I can’t come into today, there might be a small window of time this afternoon where my partner and I can get married and we need to camp out on the steps of City Hall if and when the opportunity comes.’ It’s almost like calling out of work for a solar eclipse, except the eclipse grants you equal rights.”

“Or they could have been unemployed gays,” I say. “Then again, I’m not up on the topic of gay unemployment. Still, they showed that they know how to get shit done. Next time I have to move, I want those gays on the case. Not those other lazy gay movers who spent most of their time belittling my furniture’s appearance instead of moving it.”

“I wonder if there will be another window of gay marriage opportunity if the next higher court upholds the overruling of Prop 8, right before the next stay is issued before they kick it up to the Supreme Court,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I hate for the basic right of marriage to be treated like it’s the Double Dare Obstacle Course, but you gotta get while the getting’s good, right?”

“Dude, all marriage should be treated like it’s the Obstacle Course on Double Dare,” I say. “I think it would cut the divorce rate in half if you couldn’t get married unless you got your ass up the Sundae Slide. And then Marc Summers could marry you right after the last obstacle.”

“I would totally get married by Marc Summers,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“You could go to Iowa or Massachusetts and get gay married by Marc Summers right now,” I say.

“I don’t have anyone to get gay married to,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“And that’s why you’re not a member of The Gay Team, because you’re not prepared,” I say. “You don’t get to hang out with Lesbian Hannibal, or B.A. Buttracas, or Templeton ‘Sit on my Face, Man’ Peck, or Howling Homo Murdoch. ”

“And that’s why you’re not a member of The Gay Team, because you’re not prepared,” I say. “You don’t get to hang out with Lesbian Hannibal, or B.A. Buttracas, or Templeton ‘Sit on my Face, Man’ Peck, or Howling Homo Murdoch. “

i pity the fool who votes against gay marriage after reading those two sentences.

Physical Challenge: Squeeze yourself through this giant earhole to the window of gay opportunity before it closes, but this window is liked with razor blades, gak, and hate. Put 30 seconds on the clock. On your mark, get set, aaaaaaaand GO.

“Dude, all marriage should be treated like it’s the Obstacle Course on Double Dare,” I say. “I think it would cut the divorce rate in half if you couldn’t get married unless you got your ass up the Sundae Slide. ” That and mandatory participation in “The Newlywed Game” with a minimum number of points scored required in order to get your license.

Hear hear. I’m still trying to figure out the argument that if gays could get married it would deter heteros from it. That makes no sense.