A whole bunch of stuff that rarely involves anything to do with breakfast.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 23: Rabble Rabble Rabble

Everyone and their dog (settle
down, Joel Monaghan) has an opinion this week on whether the NRL is getting too soft by
outlawing shoulder charges and punching people in the face or the back of the
head. The way the current rule is, any
contact made by the defender with their shoulder and no attempt to use their
arms is an automatic penalty and trip to the judiciary… except for motherfucking
Kane Evans who put Sam Kasiano on his giant arse with the most blatant shoulder-charge
this year and managed to escape all punishment through the legality of “holy
fuck that was a good hit.”

Then Willie Mason got suspended
for lightly touching some fucking weak unit after said weak unit literally ran
into him. I’m not a massive Mason fan,
but he was hard fucking done by, and it’s more proof that the NRL has no idea
how to police their own rules. Each
tackle should be judged on its own merits, or lack thereof, including contact
with the head. If it’s a good fucking
hit, it needs to stay in. If it’s a good
fucking hit that goes fucking awry, then punish that. EASY AS FUCK.

In a classic Bulldogs move, up-and-comer David
Minute was sacked by the club after repeatedly ringing a female trainer and jerking off over the phone to her. That is some
vintage Canterbury action right there.
We haven’t had a good old-fashioned sexual
discrimination-verging-on-assault for a while from those lovable lads in
Bankstown, so well done to them for maintaining the highest possible
standards and once again shining a glorious light on the players of the NRL, while also providing a great example that the female staff members of rugby league clubs are always appreciated and held in the same stead as their male counterparts.

Canberra Appreciation Month update

Well, the Raiders went and fucked
up Canberra Appreciation Month AGAIN by fucking losing to the motherfucking
Tigers on Monday night, snatching a heart-breaking loss from the sweaty
clutches of a crushing victory, and really fucking up their fucking chances of
fucking qualifying for the fucking finals.

Canberra looked like absolute
balls whenever they were put under any kind of defensive pressure and proved AGAIN
that they are currently incapable of closing out a game. Blake Austin played as if he’d just come back
from a date with Bill Cosby, and Sammy Williams tried to do too much in his
first game back from injury and was attempting to carry the team on his tiny
little shoulders. Dave Shillington won’t
forget his 200th game for the club, as he was sent from the field
for headbutting – the first bloke to be marched in two years. He somehow avoided the wrath of the
judiciary, and will be taking his place in the team this weekend after spending
zero weeks on the sideline. This will
probably make him a marked man for the rest of the season, and he should expect
to cop a bit from other big boofheads who have been suspended for lesser infringements. Could be good to see what happens though, seeing as ol' Shillo seems to be sitting on a powder keg at the moment. We might even see a punch get thrown. If that happens, wake the kids up. It's like Halley's comet.

Player of the Week:Shannon Boyd, who scored a double in Monday night's loss to the Tigers. There's so much I'd like to say, but won't because I'd be afraid of this guy breaking into my house, literally tearing me in half and eating me.
Also, he's 22. Twenty-two. Let THAT sink in. This guy has seen some shit.

Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Both teams will have to pick up
their act from last week’s effort to get the cookies in this match, and I think
that Souths just have too much ground to make up. Add to that a host of injuries, Joel Reddy
and two Burgess brothers with pillows for hands, and my prediction is that
North Queensland are going to towel up the premiers.

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Fuck Brisbane, way to prove that
you actually do suck by sucking a lot over the last few weeks. Thankfully they are playing a rapidly
declining St George team this week to get them back into the groove of beating
wooden spoon contenders. PHEW.

Wests Tigers vs Newcastle Knights

Newcastle? More like OLDcastle, amirite?!?! It would be nice to play for the Knights
though – you get priority seating on public transport, discount movie tickets, weekly
field trips, daily nap times, being surrounded by friendly people your own age
that understand you… The Tigers have been
in season-best form lately (that doesn’t really mean much though) and have put
together two wins in a row for the first time in two years, and unless they
lose their heads this weekend, they’ll make it three. Most clubs can only dream of such
success. Like the Raiders.

Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors

Watching this match should come
with a health warning that it has the potential to hurt all five senses and
those with heart conditions or who are pregnant or support either of these
teams should avoid it at all costs.

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels

The combined score of the last
two Roosters vs Eels matches at the SFS is 106-4. That is an insult to the Australian cricket
team as much as it is Parra.

It must be close to illegal for
games like this to happen. If everything
goes the way that it should go (on paper), it will be like watching the
Roosters beat a cripple to death with their own wheelchair. Yes, that’s how politically correct I am. Go fuck yourself. Yeah.

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles

The boldest of Canberra
supporters can see the might fucking Green Machine snapping back into form and
breaking Manly’s streak of wins… not me though.
Stupid dickwits.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Gold Coast Titans

This game has my stamp of “if
there’s going to be an upset, it will be in this game, bitches” on it, but I
wouldn’t put my house on that. The Dogs
forwards will take them to victory and really piss on the Titans season. It hasn’t been great.

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm

The Sharkies are looking the
fucking goods right about now – not that I’d admit that to anyone – and if they
can beat a Storm team that should be pretty desperate to keep their grubby
little claws in the top eight, they’ll confirm as genuine outside chances to
possibly upset a good team to maybe get into the grand final, which they will
lose. If they don’t, then they’ll
probably get on the ol’ slippery slope down to shitsville. I reckon they’ll do alright though. I’m so confident that sometimes it hurts.