I have started writing about the troubles of our last 24 hours on my post "setback". Unfortunately, things got worse quickly. He finished with work around 4:30 & went and sat at a bar until 7:30, when he went to meet his son for dinner. On the way he called & was brief but didn't seem that off. Shortly after he was finished with dinner I got an email from Apple stating that he had turned off "find my iphone" on his phone & ipad. HUGE RED FLAG! He then called our daughter to say goodnight but left her with the impression he was on the way home. We waited up an hour after her bedtime & he never showed up so I called - no answer. Finally had to text & say she was waiting up for him before he would call back. He said he spoke to OW this evening "to see how she was doing" but said it was brief. He said he was either staying with a friend (he swore not her) or in a hotel. He has bipolar disorder and there seems to be the possibility of a mood change, but its hard to tell. I just know that all week he's been loving & kind & looking forward to coming home & within 24 hours we're here. Its just that he's left a bunch of times over the past 3 months & I don't know how much more I can take. I could really use support & guidance here. It feels like he's in a weird mood phase that he's going to wake up from & go "oh crap. What have I done?" I was hoping to hang in with R & give him some time to come out of whatever this is but its not looking good. My heart is breaking for the loss of our marriage & a man who I thought I would grow old wiTH _ HELP!!

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 12:01 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

I gotta be honest here......his behavior is pretty ice-cold and cruel.

Admitting that he contacted OW and then *going dark* on you????? I hope that you can hop online real quick and find some kick-ass bitch boots....

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8628 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

ArkLaMiss♀ 14918Member # 14918

Posted: 1:27 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Wow, Pain, he's showing you who he is. Please, for your sake, detach. Now. Give him what he wants -FREEDOM. In the end, it will free YOU, though. So sorry for your pain. You deserve love and fidelity. You deserve to be cherished. He's a fool.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Jun 2007

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 1:48 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

He said he spoke to OW this evening "to see how she was doing" but said it was brief. He said he was either staying with a friend (he swore not her) or in a hotel.

I can't imagine that he's not staying with her. Giving you a little info while lying about what's really happening is in the WS handbook.

I'm devastated for you. You want guidance? You need to get out of this as quickly as is healthy and safe for you. YOU want R. He wants to abuse your relationship and eat cake. You do not deserve this.

I'm so so sorry, running. He's not going to magically stop. Time to take care of yourself.

(((runningfrompain)))

"It is impossible to get a man to understand something if his livelihood depends on him not understanding." - Upton Sinclair

Posts: 23912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

Marathonwaseasy♀ 40674Member # 40674

Posted: 2:09 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

This is so awful. My heart goes out to you.
His bipolar is of no relevance. If he's thinking clearly enough to switch off "find my iphone" then he's not completely delusional so he's culpable for what he's doing.
Bipolar does not take away the capacity to know right from wrong.
Thinking about you

Now might be a good time to begin detaching from him. It will be painful and it will probably take a while. It won't happen overnight. But he's not healthy. And he's acting on his unhealthiness. It would be one thing if he were trying to get help. Instead, he is turning off his find feature, telling you outright that he talked to OW tonight, and then claiming that he won't be staying with her but still not coming home? Liar!

That's willful destruction of your marriage.

Be gentle with yourself. Set a small goal. Maybe see if you can get through tonight and tomorrow without trying to contact him. Don't call or text. It will be hard. It's time to take care of yourself and let him worry about his mess.

I'm sorry.

(((hugs)))

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California

runningfrompain♀ 41147Member # 41147

Posted: 3:00 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

I really appreciate all the support. He's supposed to be coming home early tomorrow morning to give me a ride to the mechanic to get my car fixed. I am hoping that I will have the strength then to tell him it's time to leave. It makes me so sad to think about how my daughter will take this & I really do love him so much, it's killing me. But I also know that if I don't set boundaries & follow through nothing will change. It's just so unbelievably sad. It's 4 am & can't sleep.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013

silverhopes♀ 32753Member # 32753

Posted: 3:06 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Is there another person who can give you a ride to the mechanic? It might be a good idea to go with another person if possible and not him. Not after him staying out all night, quite possibly with the OW. Boundaries are hard, especially with someone you love. But they're necessary.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California

runningfrompain♀ 41147Member # 41147

Posted: 3:18 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

It's not an emergency to go to the mechanic. I had thought it might be a good time to tell him to leave face to face?

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013

silverhopes♀ 32753Member # 32753

Posted: 3:19 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Or it might be too late for another person to help. If it's 4am your time and he's supposed to come early, then I can see how you might not be able to make alternate arrangements. Is there a way that you can detach from him a bit while you're actually with him? Or wait, is he coming this morning, as in Saturday morning, or tomorrow? If tomorrow, then where was he planning on being all day today and tonight? And does he plan to stay after he takes you to the mechanic? How do you feel about asking him to not come back home?

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California

silverhopes♀ 32753Member # 32753

Posted: 3:20 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Sorry, we cross-posted.

I think you're right, it might be a good time to tell him face-to-face to leave.

I'm sorry he put you in this situation.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California

runningfrompain♀ 41147Member # 41147

Posted: 3:35 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

He should be at our house in a few hours to pick me up. It's only about a 10 minute ride so our contact will be brief. I guess I feel sadly resigned to this. He's leaving me no choice & this is his second affair so it's not even what you'd call an aberration. I'm just really sad & anxious & so pissed that I can't sleep. I'm going to be a mess today. I feel that I've been more than patient.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013

silverhopes♀ 32753Member # 32753

Posted: 8:02 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

You have been more than patient. And you're right, this isn't an aberration, this is full-blown continued cheating and other wayward behavior. You did everything you could, and this is completely in his hands now.

I hope it goes OK today. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California

OptimisticWife♀ 36587Member # 36587

Posted: 8:04 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Sending you lots of strength and hugs

You deserve so much better. Look after yourself and your daughter. Best wishes to you both.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2012

blakesteele♂ 38044Member # 38044

Posted: 8:09 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

(((runningfrompain)))

Saying a specific prayer for you right now...8:09 central standard time U.S.

Thank you everyone for your support. He came home early this am & I told him he needed to go. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He left to go to work for a little bit & when he comes back, we're going to talk to our daughter. That will far surpass this morning as the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am so angry that he's being so selfish & putting our family through this. It is so hard to look at her & know what pain is coming her way. This is going to be a very hard day. Your support is so appreciated.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013

ILINIA♀ 39836Member # 39836

Posted: 9:41 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Turning off the find my iPhone is a deal breaker for us. I would not even wain to hear the lies or excuses as even if he was staying with a friend he could have left it on.

Thinking of you. Hang in there!

Eta. We cross posted, so just read your update. I know it was hard but you are doing what is right to protect you and your child.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:48 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 712 | Registered: Jul 2013

karmahappens♀ 35846Member # 35846

Posted: 9:58 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Let him leave.

I am so sorry, what an asshat!
Do not fall for his being nice after work, he is not the man he should be right now.

Bipolar or not there is no excuse to disrespect and hurt your family the way he is.

Bitch boots, take care of you, please.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3988 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

brkn_heartd♀ 30396Member # 30396

Posted: 10:15 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

runningfromthepain,
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is terrible. Very cruel of him to do this to you. He surely cannot be surprised by your conversation.

I know it is hard, and I know your conversation with your daughter will be difficult. However, she knows something is wrong. You will be teaching her a better lesson in caring for yourself and her. She needs to know it is not acceptable for you both to be treated like this.