Angels Added to Heaven

Monday, April 21, 2014

You were special to Mommy. You grew well in my womb for 20 weeks, together with your twin sister Ashley. You must have known the pregnancy wasn't going to progress well so you sacrificed yourself to give her a fighting chance. When the monitors picked up the fetal distress signs that your heart has stopped beating, mine stopped too. I am sorry Joash I couldn't protect you...the docs couldn't protect you and Daddy couldn't protect you. Not one day passed without this unspoken sorrow in my heart whenever I think of you, the trauma you have endured in the last minutes before you were gone...As you turn 7, we weep and ask God to tell you that we love you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Friends who knew of our painful setbacks of child losses have sometimes gingerly turned to us for advice on how to extend words of encouragement and comfort to those friends of theirs in the same unfortunate predicament. We shared with them that during moments of such intense personal loss, couples prefer to have their personal space to grieve but yet be remembered in their family and friend's deeds and thoughts. They might yearn for those close to them to validate the pain they are experiencing.

One of the most practical ways to show you care is to send them a good read. When we lost Nathaniel, and subsequently Joash and Ashley, David and I retreated into scores of literature which shed light onto God's purpose for what we are going through and how we can find hope to move on. Here are some note-worthy titles in our collection which we find helpful and would recommend to bereaved or grieving parents:

Every parent who has lost a child has dealt with disturbing, haunting questions. Why my child? Where is my baby now? Will I ever see my child again? Renowned Bible expositor John MacArthur tackles the question of infant death (in the womb or following birth) in his trademark style--with detailed attention to Scriptures that hold the answers. No death occurs apart from the purposes of God, MacArthur assures readers, just as no life occurs apart from the purposes of God. With a pastor's heart, he leads readers to an understanding of the eternal destination of these precious little ones.

A devotional companion offering comfort, the reassurance of God’s presence, and strength for the journey through grief to healing for those who have lost a child through miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, stillbirth, or early infant death.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry is a book of love and comfort for mothers who have experienced the deep sorrow of losing a child. Serene illustrations frame gentle words that describe heaven from a child's perspective. With room for the reader's personal reflections at the end of the book, every page is a poignant gift of hope and healing. "Our stories are all different, but our pain is the same," writes Linda. "We are mothers who will forever grieve the loss of our children. And yet, there is hope for our troubled souls."

Nearly a million parents suffer a miscarriage or infant death each year. Theirs can be a lonely, quiet grief--with many emotions experienced but not easily expressed. This collection of more than a hundred short meditations beautifully interweaves the very real feelings of bereaved parents with Scripture passages that provide comfort, direction, and a sense of hope.

Twenty-three years after her son Nathan’s stillbirth, Cindy Claussen was filled with a need to write this story of hope and healing. Designed with soft colors and simple illustrations, the pages of Born to Fly– An Infant’s Journey God, contain Nathan’s conversation with God as he hears his father’s strong voice and experiences the sensation of his Mother’s warm touch for the first time. The simplicity of the story is what makes it so powerful. Born to Fly is indeed a little treasure that is sure to leave its delicate imprint on your heart.

The book contains a remarkable miscellany of emotionally charged literature by the likes of Melville, Frost, Shelley, Irving and Shakespeare. Each selection describes bereavement in a different way, lending credence to the editors' belief that no one can claim to understand another person's particular loss or its effects. The excerpted literature is of impeccable quality, as are the sentiments behind each piece. This book does not seek to instruct the reader on how to cope with grief, it merely shares the beloquence of those who have been there before.

Credit: All book covers and descriptions are taken from http://www.amazon.com/ but you can order these books through Kinokuniya (Singapore) bookweb services online.

Monday, October 5, 2009

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would. I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.

I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you he's with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.

He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both. If he could tell you..I know he would.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Nathaniel would be turning 5 this Saturday (10 Oct) but Mummy and Daddy would never be able to see how he looks like as a young boy now. 5 years have come and gone and in this duration, 2 more of our angels have joined Nat in Heaven. As we dedicate this week to remember our firstborn, I'd like to share an excerpt of what I journalled 5 years ago in an infant remembrance albumgiven by a close friend when we lost Nat.

Dearest Baby,

Whenever the pain of losing you seems too much to bear and the grief too overwhelming, Mummy and Daddy would turn to God's word for comfort. Mummy would be reminded of the many Godly woman in the Bible who also experienced barreness and yearn for a child. Like Hannah and Elizabeth. How they never lose sight of God and continued to seek God's will. Daddy will turn to Jesus in his quiet time and intercede to God on our behalf for a miracle of a baby again. We sorrow but we do not despair because God has made our marriage stronger through this dark valley. Though we still don't know why God took you away, we rest in the blessed hope that God's grace is sufficient for us; for His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). The Lord is close to those who have a broken heart (Psalm 34:18). and so Lord we pray you continue to heal us and restore the joy of salvation into our lives...till we see our baby face to face. Amen.

We may not be able to hug you personally but you're sitting on Jesus' lap and He will give you the tightest hug sent right from Mummy and Daddy's hearts.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

It's a brand new year. My aim for this blog is going to take on a new direction. I hope I can slowly develop it into a resource for bereaved parents and their family. A place where we share how we overcame our own grief of losing 3 dear babies which we tried so hard to conceive in the 1st place.

Very often, when people hear of a loss (be it miscarriage, an early infant death or simply death of a loved one), they do not know how to react and all parties are caught in awkward silence.

From our own experience, these are some thoughtful words which one can use in times of bereavement:

What can I say when a baby dies? Some suggestions:

I am sorry for your loss.I wish you didn't have to experience this.I am sorry that this happened to you.I am thinking of you during this difficult time. (usually written)

I'm so sorry to hear this.I wish you comfort.I hope things will be good.I wish this hadn't happened to you.

I'm sad for you.I don't know why it happened.I wish things had turned out better for you.What can I do for you?This has been a terrible loss for you. I wish it hadn't turned out this way.

Words can be a powerful source of solace and comfort. People often fear so much saying the wrong thing that they often don't say anything at all but a grieving couple would like to know that family and friends are there to support them during this difficult time of loss. So next time the need arises, pick the right words and bring a ray of sunshine to someone grieving.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Time flies. It's Christmas again. Can't believe it's already 1.5 years since you've gone (for Nat, it's 4 years). How are our angels doing in Heaven? Through God's providence and intervention, Mummy and Daddy welcomed a new baby into our lives few months ago and we let her share Ashley's middle name 'Joy' so that she feels an affinity with her sister who's her guardian angel in Heaven.

Mummy and Daddy specially bought some Christmas ornaments to decorate your niche to say we miss you especially during this season. The oppressive sadness which comes with missing you has now becomed a dull heartache that we've accepted as part of our everyday existence. God is gracious. He knows we'll never be able to pick ourselves up from the grief of losing 3 of you so He sent us a baby miraculously to bring us newfound joy and meaning in life. With her around, moments of hope have resurfaced and more importantly, we found ourselves being able to laugh again. However, Mummy and Daddy still hold each of you dearly in our hearts, some place safely tucked away where no one will ever be able to reach...we have not forgotten you and we never will do.

So to welcome your baby sister, we put up the Christmas tree this year. If you were around to celebrate Christmas by our side , our family would be complete. God's mansion must surely have an even nicer and bigger Christmas tree as you'll be celebrating Jesus' Birthday! Please say a big Thank You to Jesus for sending Mummy and Daddy the perfect Christmas gift for 2008. Merry Christmas my darlings. We love and miss you always.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Today, our baby Ashley celebrates her 1st birthday but we are not there to celebrate it with her. Her party's in Heaven, orchestrated by God her Heavenly Father and attended by her brothers Nathaniel and Joash together with other little angelic guests.

One year on, has our grief diminished?

When Ashley died, we felt a rip in our souls. Although a year has passed, the pain is still searing. We have to die to our grief each day and make a determined effort to trust that our babies' death are part of God's sovereign plan. In this past year, God is slowly mending our spirits - first with basting threads and then with beautiful stitches. How we wish He would sew us up quickly so the pain will be eradicated totally, immediately.

Help me understand, Lord, that if we hurry you, it will be as if an unskilled apprentice sewed up our wounds with uneven stitches that will not hold. If we allow you time to heal, you will sew a fine seam and weave its pattern into the tapestry of our lives, making them more beautiful than they ever were...

So today Lord, we surrender our heartaches and sorrow once again to you. Help us throw a beautiful celebration for our daughter Ashley. Let her know how much we love her and long for her. Although the only mark she made on this world was in our hearts, she is not forgotten.

Perhaps in another year, we may come to find peace in her leaving but it's definitely not this year. You are still at work Lord...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Last Saturday, 1 March 08, Mummy and Daddy attended the Annual Children's Memorial organised by Child Bereavement Support. It's the 2nd time CBS is organising this mass memorial and also the 2nd time we're attending it. We went with a heavy heart and neither of us spoke a word during our long drive there. Last year, we were mourning only 1 child - your Nathaniel KorKor. This year, 3 - with the addition of you and Joash. :( Sometimes we still don't understand why God have to call all 3 of you home so soon.

It was a really beautiful and dignified memorial with poetry readings, songs, recitation of children's names and mass balloon release at the end. We released 1 balloon each to all 3 of you at the end of the memorial. Did you receive it? Do you like what mummy has drawn on the card? It's a rainbow which reminds mummy that God's love and mercy are new every morning, even as I still struggle to accept losing you and your KorKors...It's a very silent grief not known to many for it is against the law of Nature for a parent to bury his child.

Of the poems that were recited, Mummy and Daddy found solace in this (I can almost hear you reading this Ashley):

You can Shed Tears by David Harkins

You can shed tears that he is gone

or you can smile because he lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back

or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

or you can be full of the love that you have shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and lived yesterday

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Mummy and Daddy misses you Nathaniel, Joash and Ashley. No baby would be able to take your place in our hearts. You're forever with us.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

you may wonder why Mummy and Daddy have not posted in a long while. It's not that we've cast you aside, never for one second were you not in our thoughts. Truth is, mummy and daddy longs for you so much that it hurts to visit this blog. As the world counted down to Christmas and New Year in meaningless revelry, mummy and daddy chose to stay home and reminisced the precious hours we spent with you in the NICU at KKH. Do you know this year, we chose not to put up the Christmas tree as a form of silent protest against the season's festivities. We had nothing to celebrate nor be jolly about - you were snatched from us before we could even have a good look at you...

Mummy and daddy's conversations constantly revolve around you - how different it would be had you survived. You would have brought so much joy and laughter to our empty big flat. Increasingly, the pain of losing you makes coming home so meaningless for we had nothing to look forward to. You were not there.The silence in the house rings loudest especially during weekends and public holidays. We could have spent the day out at the Zoo, frolicking at the pool or just enjoying a leisurely walk at the Park. But without you, nothing brings us fulfillment. So we retreat into our grief and spend quiet moments at home, hoping that perhaps somehow in our stillness, we can hear you cry out to us from Heaven.

We know we had to move on and one way for us to pick ourselves up is to adopt a baby. A baby who's family cannot afford to give her the good life and the love which we had reserved for you and your brothers. We wonder if you, Nat and Joash would have objections but my heart tells me 'No'. All 3 of you will be delighted to have a sibling to accompany Mummy and Daddy in your place till our journey on earth is done. So our new hope for the new year is that God will handpick this baby for us so that as a family, we can put off our sackcloths and start anew in 2008.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Do not stand at my grave and weep.I am not there; I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow;I am the diamond glints on snow.I am the sunlight on ripened grain;I am the gentle autumn's rain.

Do not stand at my grave and mourn.I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.Where tranquil oceans meet the landI am the footprints in the sandTo guide you through the weary day.I am still here; I'll always stay.

When you wake up to morning's hushI am the swift uplifting rushOf quiet birds in circled flight.I am the stars that shine at night.Do not stand at my grave and cry.I am not there; I did not die.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

We are learning more than we ever wanted to know about cement vaults and caskets, about regulations governing death and cremation. The decisions are hard and the solution costly to dispose of the tiny shells that were our children. Yet they are important for those of us who remain...It's hard to endure one day after another. They are not getting easier, nor are they getting better. We still miss our children. When will we be at peace?

Nathaniel, Joash and Ashley's ashes rest at Blk D (Daffodil), Level 2 Niche 230, Mandai Columbarium. We visit them every Sunday for they are never far from our thoughts...

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

In the end, all that remains are their ashes... Ashley's were so complete, and white as snow. We held her perfect little body. Tiny toes and fingers and wispy dark hair. It's hard to believe that not too long ago, she was still alive and kicking within me...How could that precious little girl be reduced to ashes? We didn't expect it to end like this but at least we got to tell her that Daddy and Mummy love her, just like how we did her brothers...

Joash's ashes are below. He was delivered much earlier than his twin sister so his ashes are less distinct but equally beautiful...God, our babies are already yours, so why can't we have them longer?

We had the 1st two lines of this verse carved onto our babies' niche, to remind ourselves that their conception and delivery is all part of God's plan, that nothing happened out of an accident. Hence we submit humbly to His sovereign will; we surrender the custody of our 3 angels to the Lord until the day we reunite again at Heaven's Gate...

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Monday, June 11, 2007

Sunday, June 10, 2007

We bade farewell to our precious daughter Ashley Joy Sim on a bright and breezy Saturday afternoon - the same type of day she entered our world and gave us a short but meaningful privilege of being her parents.

About thirty family members and close friends, many whom have prayed and stood by us through this agonising ordeal, were present. Everyone was given cream-coloured gerberas, specially selected by Angie upon entry. The congregation sang three songs: Amazing Grace, I was Made to Praise You and 'Pokarekare Ana' a traditional Maori folk song. These were songs which we would sing to Ashley every night.

After a brief 30-minute memorial delivered by Pastor David Chan, each guest bade their solemn farewells and paid their final respects to Ashley by placing their gerberas alongside our Princess in her tiny white casket. Her grandmother gave her a hand-knitted red cross to symbolise God's presence is always with her. Among the items which accompanied baby Ashley were a crocheted beanie hat from Aunty Teresa which she wore, a cute lil' lamb, cards drawn by her cousin from KL, fresh flowers from Uncle Allan Heng and lots of love and tears from everyone who loved her dearly.

It is said that a picture paints a thousand words but really, no amount of words nor pictures can ever represent our immense grief and sorrow of losing and burying one's child. We seek solace that even God Himself buried His only son for our sake and we seek comfort in knowing that one day, just as He did, we will be reunited back with our beloved Nathaniel, Joash and Ashley in Heaven.

This is the speech which David delivered as we bade farewell to our baby Ashley.

In memory of our Princess Ashley

This is a day my wife and I wished we hadn’t woken up to.

First of all, Angie and I want to thank all of you for taking time to attend our baby Ashley’s memorial.

Ashley was a very special baby right from the start. She and Joash were conceived as twins in December and both of them gave us much joy and anticipation throughout the pregnancy. We specially chose the name Ashley so that her name will carry part of her twin brother’s as well.

Ashley was also very well-loved and that can be seen through the number of people who constantly prayed for her and from those of you who are present here today. She was a very blessed and tenacious little girl. Even after her brother Joash was delivered stillborn 7 weeks ago, Ashley hung on with Mummy, fighting away nasty infections and enduring many probes, scans and intravenous medications.

The 7 additional weeks we had with Ashley turned out to be most intimate and treasured. I started feeling her kicks and fetal movements when I placed my palm on Angie’s belly around 2 weeks ago. As eager parents, we would look forward to the twice daily ‘doppler’ sessions where she’ll say ‘hi’ to us with her strong galloping heartbeat. Those were the most pleasant and reassuring sounds to our ears for we know that she’s still ok.

Normally when we lose our loved ones, we are grieved because we miss the companionship and shared memories we’ve had in the past but when you lose a baby, you lose along with it a large part of your future – the future of seeing your baby grow up, taking her 1st step, giving you her 1st hug and uttering her 1st words of ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy. All your aspirations, your hopes, your dreams for your baby die along with her passing. Sometimes God nudges us to obey His will , here he thrusts it upon us.

However in life, there are many things about tomorrow we don’t seem to understand but we know who holds tomorrow and we know who holds our hands.

So today we bid our fond farewell to our beloved daughter with an extremely heavy heart. We know she is at a place that is better by far so we release her back to her Creator who has formed her wonderfully.

Please join us now to quietly sing a special song dedicated by us to Ashley even as she was with us. (Song: I was made to praise You) . Next is a song I used to sing to her as her lullaby. Join us now to sing quietly as we invite you to say your prayers for our Ashley and bid your farewell by presenting her with a cream coloured gerbera specially chosen for her by Angie. (Song: Pokarekare Ana)

Friday, June 8, 2007

Thursday, June 7, 2007

I was leaving the hospital today to run some errands. As my car slowly swung out of its lot, the headlamps met the big eyes of a 2 year-old girl a safe distance away. She was obviously startled by the bright lights as she quickly held on to her 5 year-old brother.

My eyes then caught sight of their father standing next to them lighting up a cigarette smugly...

Damn these parents who have perfectly healthy children yet choose to endanger them...