The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Leeds Uses Private Ambulances.

The Yorkshire Ambulance Service has admitted using up to 13 ambulances owned by private companies. We asked a spokesperson for the Ambulance Service for a comment; "We believe that using private ambulances will bring more efficiency and savings to the NHS. Of course I can't tell you how much this is actually costing because its a secret and ordinary people simply don't understand finance. However I can say that the American owners of the business are delighted with the money they've managed to glum out of us so far while patients - especially those who were unconscious for their entire journey to hospital - have reported that the service is very good. One such patient was partcularly complimentary about the range of sandwiches, tea and coffee that were available, at a small extra cost of course. That particular patient did unfortunately die later because of the slight delay occassioned by having to pick up two more accident victims en route, but these things happen in the best run businesses. We have also encountered a few problems this autumn and winter because of leaves on the road and the wrong kind of snow, but we are confident that our drivers can overcome these. Most of them come from Eastern Europe and, though they don't actually speak English, they are well used to driving in bad weather. They've also expressed their delight at being paid the minimum wage which, in Poland, makes them prtactically millionaires."