Why You Should Not Date Someone You Want to Change

Just a short response to the people who have messaged me after reading my previous posts: Thank you for the very personal and sincere messages, you know who you are. I really appreciate reading your stories and knowing what we went through were similar. 🙂 I am touched that people relate to my posts so much! Keep the messages coming 🙂 And pleaseeee don’t ever feel that I am annoyed by the long essays of your stories haha. I love reading them!

Of course, if you’re 16 and below, please stop reading this. You shouldn’t be on the net reading about dates or the horrendous culture most of you will eventually get into (which I hope not)… At least in a few years’ time.

After my previous relationship has ended, I have been on Tinder (ok stop asking me how well Tinder works, I have been off tinder for more than a year already) and of course, dating here and there… For a lil bit. Obviously, nothing blossomed BUT I have met a few really awesome people and made friends. Friends are forever, anyway. 😛

When I shared with my friends how I ended things with someone ’cause I didn’t like something about them… I get questions from them, such as “Why didn’t you tell him that if you didn’t like it?” It’s because I don’t believe in being with someone you want to change. It could be habits, lifestyle, personality, anything that is major enough for you to think that you don’t want to be with that person. ….But pls read with discretion, I mean look at me, I am single…… Brings us back to my previous post. HAhahahaaha.

I had a conversation with J today (during lunch at work) and he pointed out that I will not meet someone nice/good if all the places I go to are only clubs or pubs. That’s some cold hard truth yo – thanks bud. But with that said, it also explains the kinda guys I used to date or have met. If you have a history of, or still are, dating bad/shady guys… I think you should really read on…..

1. The idea of changing someone else.

I do not believing in changing the other party just to make a relationship work. Especially when we’re just dating – It’s all about getting to know each other . I know I know, there’s this thing called compromise, I get it. But I don’t agree.

“Hey babe, I will appreciate it if you can stop taking smoke breaks in between” – It is also read as you will not appreciate his smoke breaks = he will feel threatened to stop taking smoke breaks if he wants you bad enough, and… guess what! Even if he can’t do it, he will not tell you what he thinks. Because for a guy to stay and hear u pass the word “stop” = he’s gotta get u girl = he’s gonna say yes to everything u say.

It just comes off as, “This is what I want – take it or leave” except it sounds x100000 better. It’s as good as a threat and no, I don’t believe in it. Just like how I wouldn’t like my date coming to me and tell me “I think you should really stop drinking or meeting your friends so often”. I mean it’s the same. I don’t want him to change anything about me, so I wouldn’t do it to the other party.

2. Your lifestyles will not suddenly and miraculously match like puzzle pieces.

If your lifestyles are different now, trust me, you could work things out for a few months, or even years… But it WILL all go back to square one. He will get sick of changing his routine or giving up things he likes just for you and so will you.

I believe that lifestyle is built on one’s own will, environment and social network. These are things that cannot be changed overnight and most will not have the motivation or will strong enough to make a change. By environment, it could be work related, social, or even the environment one grew up in. Sure, some may say that one can always break out of an environment if one wants it bad enough but question is – who actually wants to step out of all the bad habits and comfort zone that bad enough? If you’re the motivation for your partner to change, good luck. If you’re lucky, things will go damn smooth and you guys gon be happy 4eva. If you’re not…. *pats your back* You gonna end up taking the blame on every night he wants to hang out with his friends but can’t. Or for every stick of cigarette he wants to smoke.

3. It will be a rollercoaster ride. And it will be toxic.

Nothing of extreme opposites go smooth and well 24/7. You are literally signing up for the worst ride ever, and you gotta go on the ride for most of the days of the week. Yes, the height of your happiness will be maxed out for sure.. But out of the 7 days, y’all probably gonna be arguing for 5 days. So are the 2 days of happiness really worth it when you’re risking your health and putting your time on waste? Nononono. Been there done that. Trust me, you’d rather date someone else.

It is tiring af and by the end of it, you’ll realise you’ve been wasting each other’s time.

4. It will not make anyone a better person.

I live by this rule: “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
And it will give you a headache most of the time.

5. Respect

Ultimately, just because he isn’t good enough for you, doesn’t mean he can’t be the best to someone else. If you can’t stand or appreciate an individual as an individual is, I recommend you to gtfo and let someone else take over.

And that is why, I will not ever explain myself to my date if I end things with him (unless he really wanted to know why things didn’t work). To some it’s gonna sound loserish and like “why the hell wouldn’t you tell the person if you actually wanted a relationship to work, you hypocrite” but I don’t see it that way.

Just because he isn’t the one I can accept doesn’t mean he’s lacking in any way. It will be hypocritical of me to ask him to change. And so, I will not date. 🙂