A Proposal For Campaign Rehabilitation

Joe Patoux

Let's tackle the issues of campaign reform, voter apathy, money for education, roads, law enforcement and just about everything else that needs the taxpayer's money.

How, in one fell swoop, can we rectify these situations?

Instead of the current method of campaign funding, where there are few real rules, we hold a contest. It would be based on the themes of some television programs. We could take parts from "American Gladiators," "Truth or Consequences" and that all-time favorite, "Jeopardy!"

We could broadcast several of the shows from around Virginia to allow the candidates enough time to gain name recognition and be able to state their causes and how they stand on the issues. They would also be put through a gauntlet to test their knowledge of Virginia and its localities.

The show would be sponsored by donations from individuals, political action committees and corporations that now send their money to individual politicians. Their donations would allow them to place banners behind their favorite candidates. No direct contributions to candidates would be allowed.

Spectators and supporters would be charged an admission. They could come and cheer, or jeer, the candidates.

The show would be broadcast on a pay-per-view channel. If people will pay 40 bucks a pop to see a couple of boxers try to beat each other's brains out, surely viewers will pay to see politicians have at each other. This is where we reduce voter apathy and increase knowledge about the candidates.

Several 900 numbers could be set up to allow for direct questions from viewers. Phone lines could also be used to rank the candidates. This will help bring in a little more money.

In addition, pennants and T-shirts for the different candidates could be sold to increase revenue.

We could generate more interest in the show and thin the unemployment ranks by hiring Marv Albert to host it. Vanna White would be an excellent co-host.

If you want to run for office, you'd appear on the show and could dress up in whatever costume reflects your campaign theme. Thongs would be prohibited.

The candidates would have to answer questions about the U.S. and Virginia constitutions. They would be grilled on topics of Virginia history. For instance:

What is the historical significance of Cape Henry, Cumberland Gap and Richmond to the development of Virginia? What are their roles today?

What is the geographical significance of the Blue Ridge Mountains or Hampton Roads?

What are the main regions of the state? What are their economic bases? What are their unemployment figures - the number of people, not percentages?

How many oysters were harvested in 1957, 1967, 1987 and the projected amount for 1997? How many tons of coal were mined in the same years?

How many prisoners are in state and local jails? What is the average cost of housing them? How do these prisoners repay the citizens for the cost of their imprisonment?

How many miles of roadway are in Virginia? How many are rated for heavy loads and speeds of more than 45 mph? How many are two lanes? How many potholes are there?

When was the last time you cooked a meal, washed a load of clothes, cleaned a toilet? When was the last time you visited a public school and talked to the students and teachers? When did you last read a book to a child?

When did you last talk to a police officer on his beat? (Traffic stops don't count here.) When did you last talk to the victim of a crime or one's family?

How many graduates of Virginia colleges and universities have remained in the state as taxpayers, making other contributions to the economy?

The lines of questioning are endless. The answers, clearly, would require significant homework and preparation, but enough knowledge to win the contest could actually have some bearing on future job performance.

The money raised would go to pay for the production of the show and the cost of holding the election. Each candidate would receive enough to cover traditional campaign materials: posters, fliers, mailings. They would not be allowed to spend money on any other form of campaigning. However, they would be allowed to do as much glad-handing and baby-kissing as they desire.

The remainder of the money would go to fund new schools and educational programs, increase law enforcement efforts, pay for new roads and repair older ones. I could go on and on.

In the end, the burden on the taxpayer could be reduced, and we might actually have a better idea of where the candidates and the citizens stand.

Patoux is a senior copy editor for the Daily Press who previously covered Virginia government and politics. Jim Spencer's column will return next week.