So here I am, sitting by the Blu-Ray player, a bear in one hand (no, I mean beer. Sorry, damn auto predict!) and my film collection sat next to me. What do I watch? What do I watch? I can’t really decide what mood I am in. I really want to have a fun time, but at the same time I am wired and ready to really be provoked into some high level thinking.

Unfortunately however, my copy of Pootie Tang is currently loaned out, and this got me thinking. What if I could play God, choose a bunch of movies, taking their best aspects and, pretending to be some sort of Dr Film-enstein, put them all together to create a super movie which could engage you on pretty much every level?

Let’s start with the eyes, as they probably experience the most during any movie. Now for this I could have picked any one of a myriad of stunningly visual films that have been released in modern cinema, but I have gone for Zak Snyder’s much maligned Sucker Punch.

I have plumped for this ahead of, say Jurassic Park or Avatar, as those films have other great merits that you can focus on, whereas Sucker Punch is filled with a number of flaws, not least the paper-thin story, but one thing it does very well is the visuals. Whether it is steampunk Nazis, giant dragons or mechanized security on a high-speed train, this film looks amazing. Whilst I saw many better films than this in 2011, I am not sure I saw any that matched this for special effects and design.

Brain – Primer (2004)

Think you know time travel? Think it’s all about 88 miles per hour and not sleeping with your mom? Well think again buddy, because time travel doesn’t actually exist believe it or not, and if it did, then it sure as hell would be difficult to engineer.

Primer is a film that has received a lot of exposure on our site over the last few weeks, and most of the big-wigs will tell you the same thing: this is one smart sumbitch. Following the story of four engineers who create a time machine, not only does this film have some super clever science, the story line is so well designed that you seriously need to sit down with this a couple of times to really get half of what is happening…..a pen and paper would also help.

Do not watch drunk, or with a girlfriend who is likely to say “what’s happening?” every 5 minutes, as this needs FULL concentration!

Imagination – The Matrix (1999)

Like the eye, my choice for imagination could have gone to a number of other films, however I have opted for the effect-laden, spoon-bending, slow-motioning, Keanu-career-reviving, The Matrix.

For me, The Matrix was and is one of the most innovative and creative films in recent history, and although the sequels never quite managed to live up to this powerhouse, you can still see that the Wachowskis have tried to really make something unique. Filled not only with an imaginative and deep story line, the directors also used “bullet-time” to such an amazing effect, that films are still copying it to this day.

Not many films come along that can actually change the way that people think about how the world works, but this is certainly one of them. Anyone who says that after this was released in 1999 they didn’t at least once think to themselves “What if it’s true?”, is lying and should be forced to write an essay on Matrix Reloaded. Using crayons!

Ears – Pulp Fiction (1994)/Tron Legacy (2010)

Honestly, I am not usually affected by soundtracks or movie scores, but I just wanted to mention two which did pique my interests, and would make it into my monstrosity.

Firstly, Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino is arguably the King of Cool when it comes to modern-day directors, but more than that, he has a good attention to detail and clearly likes his music.

When Pulp Fiction was released you just could not help but notice the undeniably cool (there is that word again) soundtrack. The songs used, most of which from days gone by, didn’t just fit the scenes, but actually enhanced them and drew you in further. Well done QT, very “cool”!

On the flip side, you have Tron Legacy with its original score, sublimely created by Daft Punk. I have been a fan of Daft Punk for a while now, and love their not-quite-commercial electric pop sound. I was delighted to hear that they were signed on to the Tron sequel/reboot, and even happier when I watched the film and realised just how perfect a fit these two properties were.

The synthesised tunes laid throughout Tron Legacy perfectly fit the environment, and add depth to a world that, after such a gap between the original and the sequel, could have remained 2D.

“Funny Bone” – Anchorman (2004)

There are many great comedies out there, and if you think about it this genre is arguably the most diverse and difficult to choose from, as each person’s sense of humour is unique.

For me however, I don’t think a comedy film has ever grabbed me quite like Anchorman did. From the very first watch in the theatre to viewing #10, this just had and has me in hysterics. In fact, I consider it a bad day when I am not able to quote Anchorman at least once! It is so ingrained into my psyche that it is almost impossible not to reference it at some point.

An intriguing blend of surrealism, visual comedy and catchphrases, this film actually has a little something for everyone in my opinion. Plus, 60% of the time, it works every time.

Heart – Real Steel (2011)

So let me start by saying I am not endorsing this film as being one of the best ever films, and yes, I can see the many comparisons to Rocky four/4/IV, but that aside this film had a big heart.

Much like the robot combatant that Hugh Jackman and on-screen son Dakota Goyo used for battles, this shouldn’t have worked, and so easily could have gone home in a crumpled mess. But the chemistry between Jackman (who gives his best non-adamantium-infused-mutant performance to date) and the enthusiastic Goyo was so natural that Real Steel became the surprise family film of last year, and possibly one of the more rounded blockbusters to be released in 2011.

So there you have it, my work is done and soon it will be time to unleash it onto the public. But please, don’t come after us with pitchforks and torches if you disagree with my methods. My monster is beautiful, but oh so misunderstood.