There comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice. By that I mean, he has to sit down, think things through, and come to a logical conclusion; then he has to go through with his decision and make the world a better place. You, my dear reader, have a choice. Are you going to let Poodles' Magnum Opus pass you by, or are you just going to sit there and waste 30 seconds of your life? Make the call. The call to ACTION.

I'll spend the rest of this review recounting a horrific night. The night I first met my alter-ego, and the OHR Community was changed... forever.

Graphics

It was late at night. The details are a little fuzzy in my mind, but I remember something about porn, something about trivia, and something about JaredGames. Some background info here: JaredGames was this site by some loser, aptly named Jared, who tried to pass off a whole bunch of OHR games as his own work. It might have worked if OHR denizens like the heroists didn't search google for references to themselves every other week. Long story short, it took us a while to get JaredGames shut down, and he actually tried to pull it off AGAIN later.

What does that have to do with this game? Well, I'll get to that.

Storyline

So anyway, seeing blatant thievery like that got me pissed. Pissed enough to KILL. I had had a pretty bad day as it was, and just about anything could get me emotional. That's when it started--the moment that led to my transformation.

Trivia night in #ohrrpgce.

Gameplay

So, if you've never played IRC trivia with the community, here's what you need to know: You don't fuck with Jsang. Seriously. He will always win, no matter what. I dunno if he uses DVORAK or is just high on speed all the time, but even if you have the right answer FIRST, he will still beat you.

Anyway, I tried (unsuccessfully) to win in the trivia match for almost an hour, and that's when I started to get frustrated. The night ended sometime around 11:00 PM with Harlock kicking me out of the channel for no real reason, and that's when it happened. He appeared.

Battle

At first I thought I was just talking to myself, right? Well, I was wrong. I was talking to some strange manifestation of myself who I for some reason saw in the image of one of my old buddies, Robert. Weird enough? It gets worse.

As this 'new me' began to communicate, I started to become overtaken. I was mystified and couldn't stop myself from typing dumb things and coming up with stupid ideas. Unfortunately, this was a time in my life when I was REALLY ANXIOUS to complete a game and make a name for myself, so it seems my alter-ego picked up on the same idea. The results were horrifying.

Map Design

He begain playing with the OHR's graphical tools. I tried to tell him, "Wait, no! You have to design the game first!" He didn't listen. In mere seconds, the bed of spikes and impassable cliff had appeared. I begged him not continue, but it was too late.

He inserted a character into this god-forsaken world. A CHARACTER. No character, living or pixelized deserved to be plagued by this monstrosity, but my counterpart had decided to make it so. Then the unthinkable happened: he started writing text.

Balance

I was annoyed at the heroists at the time. (I still am, of course, but that isn't really related to the review) The other me decided to relay a symbolic message that I, to this day, have still not entirely figured out. The figure appears above the cliff, facing certain doom. He makes claim of his might and gives advice to all players, but in the end, he is mortal; in the end, he falls more easily than you and I.

And, what happens next? Who's left? None other than Jared himself! He's the only one left to relay a message, and it is a false message of love, heavily stacked with self-reference. Are you confused? I am too.

Music

The game contained no music. Poodles tried his hardest to compose some, but come on, would you really want to hear it? Would you REALLY want to hear a composition by this demon who brough forth such terrible imagery? It would break your goddamned eardrums.

I hoped that Poodles was done, but he wasn't. He drew a title screen, making sure to mock me in the process. My penis is totally not that color, nor is it that size.

Enjoyment

In the end, Poodles left and, for a long time, I forgot about the game entirely. I left it sitting in my custom folder untouched for several months, not once questioning why there was this bizarre RPG file sitting in there.

Then one day, he came back.

Final Blows

It was trivia night. Jsang was out for the evening, so I knew I had a shot. And what do you know? I swept the game. Question after question of FFT trivia, and I knew every answer. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I got worked up into a frenzy. Before I knew it, Poodles had returned, and had learned to create .ZIP files. Thus, this monstrosity was brought forth unto the OHR Community. So there you have it. The whole, uneditted story. If you still have any hope for humanity, I pity your soul.

Shock and awe

Final Scores

Graphics: 6.5/10.0

I guess they're as good as a crazed alter-ego can do.

Storyline: 8/10.0

Not a story, per se, but it at least means SOMETHING. What does it mean? Who knows...