3.15.2013

Ask McFartnuggets: "Is it Okay to Pay Hobos to Give Me Piggy Back Rides? and "What to Do About Guy Who Moans During Yoga Class?"

Dear McFartnuggets: Call me crazy, but ever since I was a kid I've been paying homeless people a few dollars to give me piggy back rides. It's just something I started doing instead of riding those stupid pony rides in front of K-Mart. It's way more exciting, but now that I'm an adult man I find it's a little more difficult to find willing homeless people and even when I do get one that wants to give me a ride, people gather around and stare at me and treat me like I'm some kind of a jerkoff. Am I wrong to do this? -- Breven from Clintock, Pennsylvania

Dear Breven: No, you're not wrong and whoever says that is just jealous. As long as you're not obese there's really no reason you shouldn't be able to hire a hobo to give you a piggy back ride every now and then. It's a lot of fun and as long as you're not abusing the hobo it's perfectly fine as long as you remember to tip him appropriately. If it's an awesome ride and the guy or gal does a lot of cool leans and bounces then that's automatically a five dollar ride. If they can keep it up for longer than five minutes, that's a ten dollar ride and if they offer to take you someplace like a real horsie then that's worth twenty plus depending on the distance traveled. Frankly, if everyone was willing to pay hobos for piggy back rides I think the homeless problem in the world would be much less severe. You get hobos up and moving, pay them well, and work out an arrangement that will help them one day get back on their feet as productive members of society. As it is, because people think it's "wrong" a typical homeless person will have only zero to one piggy back customers on a given day and that doesn't help anyone. We need to all start doing this much more. The only thing is you must have permission first. If you have that then I don't see what the hell people's problem is.

Dear McFartnuggets: I go to a hot yoga class twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it's all women except for one guy who has a beard and creeps everyone out. He usually wears this weird high school wrestling unitard that looks like he kept from when he was actually in high school decades ago. Anyways, the moans the entire time like he's having orgasms. It's really distracting and throws me off my concentration. I talked to the instructor and the gym manager but they said he has every right to be there and they won't do anything about it! What should I do? -- Kreeyana from Gorf, Massachusetts

Dear Kreeyana: If you don't like it, I would advise you to put in ear plugs or headphones for your Microsoft Zune mp3 device. I go to yoga as well and when women moan I have no problem with it at all. So if I can get used to a woman moaning during yoga, I think you as a woman should be able to deal with a man moaning. It's called gender equality, look into it, bitch. I'm sorry that was rude. I just get upset when people act like equality is a one way street. The whole point of it is that it needs to work both ways and when one side isn't pulling the load it threatens the whole damn institution!