Just a thought, I think.

I love beer in bottles. Alcohol should always be served in a potential weapon.

If I had a nickel for every time I masturbated on a Greyhound bus, I’d have 2 cents.

The only thing you have to be good at is bullshitting.

In medieval times, people thought that a sneeze was a person’s soul trying to escape from the body. I wonder what they thought a fart was.

I think it would be more accurate if we called microwaves “food nastifiers”.

They really need to start putting Cheeto cheese dust into salt shakers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been eating something and thought to myself, “this could really use some Cheeto dust.”

How did Superman sneeze without blowing the roof off his house? Could he pee without sawing the urinal in half? How did he hook up with Lois Lane without pounding her pelvis into dust? These thoughts keep me up at night.

Maria Shriver has known about Arnold’s affair for years. She’s been storing the pent up rage in her cheekbones.

Wearing socks with sandals is a great way to tell the world, “I have ugly, hot feet.”