Marriage and Giving: Primer for Women

A practical primer for women.

There are so many marriage books available, with more being published every day. There are workshops and weekend retreats, tapes and CD's and classes to download. But with all this information, marriage boils down to one simple idea: giving.

Marriage is about giving, in all its incarnations. It sounds like such a simple statement. In fact it is. But it demands serious work and thought. And digging deep within ourselves for the requisite strength and willpower.

Both men and women have to be focused on giving to create a successful marriage. As Jewish scholars frequently cite, marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100.

This piece will highlight some of the myriad ways in which women can give to enhance their marriages. (Don't get frustrated yet; you can relax and just absorb the information – there will be a counterpart for men!)

1. Clothing. If we dress up for our girlfriends and put on old schlumpy clothes at home, we appear to be making a statement about our priorities, and how distorted they are. It is a kindness to our husbands to dress attractively for them. This may include wearing the styles and colors they appreciate as opposed to the ones we favor. (I'm still working on this one – trying to reconcile my love of fuchsia and turquoise with my husband's preference for pastels.)

2. Paying attention. Everyone wants to be listened to – and heard. At the end of a long day, either at work or with the kids, you may not feel like listening to your husband. Do it anyway. It is a kindness to him – and you may be surprised by what you learn.

3. Being interested. Paying attention is good, being sincerely interested is even better. If it interests your husband, it should interest you. While you may have separate hobbies, still be curious about what your husband does. Let him tell you the (boring) details of his golf game or share the (exciting) description of the winning touchdown (I'm letting my preferences show!). The same is true with respect to his job. He's spending so many hours at the office: don't you want to know what he's doing?

4. Stay awake. In order to accomplish #2 and #3, you may have to stay awake past your desired bedtime. Especially when your children are young. While this may not be easy, if you go to sleep early every night, chances are you and your husband will not be spending quality time together. If your husband needs to go out in the evenings – to learn, to work, to a charitable function, it is meaningful to him to come home and find you waiting up. It says "I care." It makes a house a home.

5. Cooking dinner. In today's world, if you suggest that women should dress nicely and cook delicious meals, you risk the label of Stepford wife. But there's nothing robotic about giving, about being considerate and thoughtful. While it may not always be possible, men like a home-cooked meal. They prefer it to the fanciest restaurant. It doesn't have to be gourmet (although for some tips, you can check out my new website: gourmetkoshercooking.com), it just has to be made by you. And you need to take into account his likes and dislikes.

6. Be sensitive to his needs. If your husband likes to stay in at the end of a long day (they all seem to be long days!), try not to fill your evenings with social obligations and cultural events. If he likes to go out, hire a babysitter and try to be accommodating. With giving and goodwill, you can usually reach a satisfactory compromise.

8. Show your admiration. Even more than our love, our husbands want our respect. Don't hesitate to tell him how proud you are of the way he handles certain tough situations or people, of the work he does, of the kind of parent he is. This kind of giving is absolutely crucial to our husband's sense of well-being. It is so easy to do and yet we do it so rarely.

9. Encourage him to share his dreams and help make them come true. Set some time aside to talk about his deeper goals. How's he doing? Does he need your support to move forward? Part of giving in a truly meaningful way is to help your husband make his dreams a reality.

10. Assist him with tasks he doesn't enjoy. Many men (my husband included) hate to shop. The whole experience may make them cringe. But even in this age of ecommerce, there are still some items that need to be purchased in person, clothing that he must try on. So when my husband's suit gets that shiny look, even though I don't enjoy shopping either, I go along – to make the experience more pleasant (and to make sure he chooses something that actually fits!). Everyone has certain household chores they don't particularly enjoy. If you can take some of those off your husband's plate, he'll probably respond in kind. Even if that isn't your motivation.

11. Be an "ezer k'negdo." It is also giving to be what the Torah describes as a "helpmeet against him." If we see our spouse about to make an erroneous decision or head down a destructive path, it is our job to find a loving and creative way to stop him. And then to redirect him. This is giving at its best.

The secret to a good marriage isn't an esoteric kabbalistic formula. It's simple and straightforward. But it can be so difficult – when we're tired, when the kids are pulling on us, when we have a job deadline, when we're cooking for the holidays, when the house is a mess, when our nerves are frazzled... in other words, almost all the time! But if we still continue to give, even under these trying circumstances, then we reap the very great rewards inherent in having a successful marriage.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 37

(37)
mickie singer,
August 7, 2011 6:30 PM

Thank God this isn"t how my marriage works!

When I was first married I got kind of crazy. All I could focus on was "I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to be MARRIED." A friend of mine said very simply " "Marrage is what every married couple makes it." At age 58, I can only echo her statement. No matter what we are determined that our marriage should be, it always becomes what two people shape it to be as they find it works for them - and when it doesn't work for them WORKABLE CHANGE has to happen or compromise - OR constant misery, abuse or divorce. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks a marriage, Jewish or otherwise, is one way or no way. My husand loves me and vice versa; we have utter mutual respect, we are truthful, faithful and genuine and we don't lie in any way, including that we are honest but tactful in what we are feeling even if sharing those feelings might rock the boat. We risk a little rocking for the sake of being who we truly are with each other. For twenty years it's been a blessing. As for do I dress up, cook or clean for him? No I don't. None of those are things I'm good at it and neither of us value them as cornerstones for our deep love for each other or our relationship. Do we BOTH listen, share, care, take turns at household jobs, hold and hug each other, discuss, argue sometimes, value who we truly are and what we give to each other? You bet. And guess what - he does his own laundry. Shocking, isn't it? Here's another shocking fact - we laugh together a lot. We play together. We look at each other as equals. If all this adds up to my failure as a wife or my failure in a a marriage, then God bless our failures. And thank God for the comment of LLP who couldn't believe this article was written in the 21st century. My middle name may be Ruth, but that doesn't mean I want to go back to living with Boaz. By the way, since Emuna is a mental health professional, I'll mention that I am too and therefore proof that those who serve mental health have very different perspectives.

(36)
Anna,
July 28, 2011 10:28 PM

This is exactly why I Found a man who cooks.

(35)
Bartholomew,
May 16, 2010 7:22 AM

Successfil Marriage

This article is truely interesting. It brings out exactly what one should do to fuel the marriage vehicle to keep it going. I would like to add that men on the other hand should also be sensitive to their wives. I wish the Married and those aspiring to Marry success in their lives.

(34)
LLP,
August 7, 2009 4:17 AM

really?

Was this really written in 2009? Wow.

(33)
Anonymous,
August 4, 2009 5:28 PM

Some Things Ring True. # 2 - 5 - 6 - 8 Especially.

Emuna,.... I agree as women we must do our part in a marriage. We aren't connected at the hip to our spouse. They have a life, we have a life. We have made an agreement to marry, to jointly keep a home to live together, perhaps to raise children. The things we did together before our marriage we do together now as well as new interests and adventures. . These are the things that are a part of our life together......................
Traditionally we said we would honor love cherish, and obey, even through sickness, FOREVER. Do you think we really thought that throughenough before making that commitment.? We're all responsible for our own joy. In fact we are commanded to be joyful.

How reasonable is it that two people can live together for 50 years and agree on everything, take care of every need and have every one of their needs met? If we are still the same woman he married 20 years ago, then how interesting are we? We can either grow together or grow apart. What have we contributed to the marriage that is new,and fresh and interesting? How predictable is it that a marriage without other interests becomes stagnent....................
Traditionally a home and children is why people got married, the man provided a safe home and food for his wife and children, and the wife made a nurturing comfortable home for her husband and children. Tthose old traditional ways were OK and most of the marriages of the 30's and 40's survived. With a 50% divorce rate 60 years later, something went terribly wrong.................
If you feel your husband doesn't measure up to the task around the house, Hire someone to help you. If you want him to be more caring and anticipate your wishes, then good luck to you. You can make him to go through the motions, but if he isn't truly interested in doing those things, there is no validation in the motions.

Thank you for the article and the comments are great, especially Caryl #4.

(32)
Rox,
August 4, 2009 1:51 PM

Tali...what?

"Please notice that almost all the married ppl who commented find this article mostly on-target while those who don't are mostly single."
No, Tali, in fact, I'm reading the comments and most of those who are married here have tried these things and ended up in divorce after they not only didn't help, but in a way made things worse.
You seem to very much think all single people are selfish and immature, and every happy single person needs "a therapist who can help you grow up a bit, disabuse you of hollywood- induced ideas, and truly achieve growth."
Maybe most happy singles ARE a lot more mature than you care to admit, and G-d has them happily waiting for someone as equally grown-up as they are. That is extremely hard to find in today's world, which is full of co-dependent drama addicts who can barely tolerate being on their own for five minutes (and then turn around and want to use us single people as a sounding board for all their "problems"!). The daughters of Tzelophad weren't married until their early to mid forties, from what I remember, because none of the men around them were even close to their spiritual level until then.
I can waste my time wringing my hands than I don't have A Man and His Babies, like you seemed to have done, or I can live my life, get to know myself better, and dedicate my time to doing G-d's work while I'm single until He happens to throw something in the gears to change it. I also pray constantly that He does not bring me to tests. I don't want a life-long TEST, I want a MARRIAGE.

(31)
Dieter Rapp Junior,
July 29, 2009 9:17 AM

Perfect,I love this "Article"
Both(man and women)must practice this,each day,
all the time.
It is no easy.

(30)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2009 1:37 PM

I think you give a lot of good advice in this article. I agree that it is very helpful and down to earth. My marriage ended in divorce a couple of years ago. I think a lot of your points go at the heart of what went wrong with my past marriage.

(29)
Tali,
July 22, 2009 3:22 PM

responding again to peggy

I don't think you understood my point. the article isnot about abuse, subjugation of self, or immature men. It is about being considerate and keeping your spouse and his needs in your mind and heart at all times, as he will do for you. Just as you would not consider a woman who treasures the compliments, occasional gifts of flowerd or chocolates, interest and attention, and household help of her husband as an abusive wife, you should not consider a wife who tries to please her husband to be a victim. i know you would not appreciate a slkovenly, disinterested, insensitive partner who never waits up for you and could not care less about your goals or about helping you when you find some task distasteful. So why is it so hard for you to understand that a woman should do the same for her husband? Please notice that almost all the married ppl who commented find this article mostly on-target while those who don't are mostly single. there might be a pattern here. I am the last person to say that there is no such thing as an abusive or immature man, and some of the commenters seem to have experience with that type of man. However, even emotionally healthy ppl need to feel that their spouses care abt them! And love, when not expressed with practical, caring behaviors (such as the ones described by the author), can quickly turn to despair and then hate. Again, i hope for you that you can reconcile your expectations of marriage with a less self-focused and impractical reality to achieve marriage. if you do, you may find that you're far happier than you expected!

(28)
peggy,
July 22, 2009 12:52 PM

response to Betty

No doubt loving and caring for your spouse (whether it be husband or wife) is extremely important in Judiasm and is just common sense. But self-preservation and self-respect are also important Jewish principles - not to be confused with Christianity which emphasizes "turn the other cheek" and "the meek shall inherit the earh" THESE are NOT our Torah values.

(27)
betty,
July 22, 2009 4:16 AM

Response to Tali..

Thank You Tali, I couldnt had a better reponse then yours. I have been dealing with the same issues with a few of mine non observant friends and it is so difficult to explain Judaism principles. What i try to explain is so beautiful and eye opening but comes out judgemental and condescending apparently. People need to apply Judaism principles to their lives instead of wasting their time on foolish fantasies and movie ideals.

(26)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2009 12:19 AM

I agree with Peggy

I was married to an abusive husband for ten years, tried to do almost all these things (and then some) and just got more abuse and in front of my children who also suffered. I am getting a divorce now. I would offer that what you are descrining is in many ways is how to MOTHER man and that's what the abusers want - for THEIR every need to be met without regard to the wife at all - she is just playing the part

(25)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2009 9:01 PM

So?

So, what's your advise to men for Marriage and Giving? Most females today work full time to contribute financially to the household as well as caring for the children, etc. Our daughters do. I didn't work outside of the home but spent longer hours at my job of housewife and mother than my husband did at his business! Even with his working overtime! I still do, even with his being unhappily retired!

(24)
Sherri,
July 21, 2009 6:41 PM

serving one another

we are to serve on another, and treat each other how we want to be treated. This is totally against the "modern woman", but it is the way to a happy marriage. I don't believe the author is telling us to be a doormat. She is telling us to love our husbands-love is a choice, a commitment and an action!

(23)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2009 1:01 PM

Toda aval I disagree with #4

Sleep is important, it helps us function, maintain our weight etc
if my husband learns at night, he knows to come home at a specific time. That time is when I want to go to sleep.

(22)
peggy,
July 21, 2009 12:47 PM

response to tali

Hi Tali, I appreciate your good wishes, but I'm not sure where you got the idea I have romantic notions. Perhaps Meira expressed it better: "a real relationship isn't going to come from depressed, angry, neurotic, underdeveloped baby-men" If I find a grown-up man interested in reciprocity, great, if not, I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely with someone who isn't there in any meaningful way other than to take. One last point - I have been told and have come to believe, a psychologically healthy man is not interested in a women obsessed with pleasing him. In fact, this is a recipe for attracting abusers.

(21)
yehudit,
July 20, 2009 8:34 PM

just one more thing....

Beautiful: and if you don't mind I'd like to add one more little thing: we need to say "thank you" more often! Just because he "should" take out the garbage, doesn't mean he doesn't need to be thanked. Just because he "should" read the kids a story, doesn't mean we can't show our appreciation. And don't we also love to hear those words? Do unto your husband....

(20)
tali,
July 20, 2009 4:03 PM

response to pegggy and like-minded singles

Peggy- if you view the above advice to women as a formula for misery and self-negation, I am not sure that you are ready for marriage. Your description of ideal relationships may be more romantic than the author's, but its far less true. After all, hopes and dreams must confront practical realities such as bills, dirty diapers and conflicting schedules in real life. Marriage does require hard work, in the form of trying to put yourself in your spouse's place and fill his/her needs. This is Gd's ultimate formula for our growth and development as human beings. In a good marriage, your spouse will do the same for you, leading to a level of happiness that cannot be achieved in other relationships.
You are hardly to blame for your misunderstandings. Unfortunately, this is extremely hard for many singles- including me before i got married- to grasp. The media's portrayal of unrealistic, flimsy romanric realtionships only reinforces these false perceptions. If you are serious about getting married, i suggest you find a therapist who can help you grow up a bit, disabuse you of hollywood- induced ideas, and truly achieve growth. I would also start reading the excellent dating articles on his site, including from the archives. best of luck to you and others who struggle with the same issues.

(19)
Deborah,
July 20, 2009 4:00 PM

Question: what do you suggest if the woman has an impeccable taste in clothing but the husband is used to see the women from his young childhood moving around in sloppy house coats or drap clothing? i very much enjoy fashion and would dread if my future husband would even suggest me to dress in the way he is used to see women.

(18)
MS,
July 20, 2009 3:06 PM

Very negative comments

The comments to this article show that men are in need of this type of article more than the women. It also makes me admire my wife even more who does all the above and much more to accomodate my needs.
Marriages need open lines of communication. Unfortunately due to technology we have lost the art of talking to each other the way our parents/grandparents used to.
Hashem Yaazor

(17)
Rachel,
July 20, 2009 1:45 PM

If its working, keep it up; if not, try something else

After 27 years of marriage, I can agree that much of this advice is great & works. However, readers shouldn't see this as a "one size fits all" panacea. For example -- if one spouse needs sleep and one needs to be out late, perhaps they can schedule their quality time at a time that works for them both. Similarly, when children are quite young, their needs (not wants, but real needs) obviously have to be met before those of the adults in the family. Finally, this article does not discuss the issues that arise when people are in a different place from each other religiously, educationally, culturally or whatever. Those things do create more challenges.

(16)
peggy,
July 20, 2009 1:23 PM

happy to be single

After reading your exhausting to-do list for wives, I felt a wave of relieve that I am single. It is well worth it to mow the lawn myself.
But seriously (actually I was being serious) the key to a good relationship is not a relentless subjugation of your needs to your partner's needs, but rather genuine sharing of your hopes, fear and insecurities with each other, and caring about your partner's well being and feelings. It shouldn't be an act.

(15)
geefers,
July 20, 2009 1:05 PM

100/100

Not to commentators this advice mostly only applies to women who are married to dedicated men. even if they have there faults not to abusers.

(14)
Shalev,
July 20, 2009 2:57 AM

Reframing our words and actions

Just a note to Suzanne... when you asked "why" did you start by explaining that you wanted to try his way? I struggle with this in my marriage, too, the finding of right words, framing questions respectfully - or in a way that is sensitive to his past (perhaps being raised in a critical home?)
It is interesting to me that the author did not address the need for us as wives to do our own "undesirable" tasks as a showing of respect. I have a friend who refuses to do things like cook, discipline the children or keep a reasonably clean home because it's not "who she is". Her husband cooks, has to be the "bad guy" at times and their home is a messy example for their children... but she does many of these other things suggested in the article. Is she falling short? We all see his discouragement and frustration with the obvious lack of respect. She is a stay-at-home mom.

(13)
Anonymous,
July 20, 2009 12:23 AM

Advice for both men and women

The advice is good for both men and women in that putting your marriage and partner first, being willing to compromise, showing interest in your partner's aspirations, and love are keys to a successful marriage.

(12)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2009 10:47 PM

Thank you......

for this wonderful article. Suzanne, I also have a "difficult" husband who made my life a living hell during the 1st few years of our marriage. The example you gave of the box is the type of behavior my beloved would exhibit regularly. May I offer a piece of advice? When your hubby does something ridiculously crazy, immediately hug him. You can bring his head to your shoulder and stroke his hair, saying, "it's o.k., it's o.k......" Remember that whatever is happening in his head, it's not about you. I reached a point in my life where I refused to let him alter me negatively,

(11)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2009 9:25 PM

What if he is not interested?

My husband comes home at 1 a.m. from work three nights a week. I work full-time during the year (I teach special ed) and expecting our second child. At that time, I have to be up at 5:30 a.m to get to work on time. Most of these nights I'm exhausted but get up at that time to greet him. However, he just grunts hello and goes straight to his books and/or computer. When I come back from work on the days he doesn't work, he does the same thing. Why should I put myself out for someone who clearly is not interested?

(10)
Meira,
July 19, 2009 7:22 PM

thanks, but no thanks

This is sort of advice that, I think, is so obvious that most normal, healthy women trying to have a good marriage have already tried it, and for years and years. If it didn't work, it's because their husbands are not willing to be grownups themselves: they're touchy (cf. Suzanne's comment), take the good done them for granted (spoiled children, anyone?), harp endlessly on what's wrong with their lives and wives and drag everybody down. Women married to these guys, esp. if there are some kids in the picture, do NOT have the energy or desire to do much other than get through the day. They married incorrigible takers, not equal partners, and one party cannot make the other party change, so you might as well salvage what you can of your own health and sanity and do your best for your kids, if you can't get away. You'll still be so lonely you'll want to die, but a real relationship isn't going to come from depressed, angry, neurotic, underdeveloped baby-men. Sorry. I guess you shouldn't stop praying for a miracle, but that's what it would take.

(9)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2009 6:27 PM

How I wish

I understand exactly what Suzanne is saying. It takes 2 people to accomplish this goal. All the years my husband was employed, I would ask him about work and was eager to hear what he had to say, he rarely shared with me. Also questioning why he did something, was interpreted as a put down.Sadly there are men in this world who will not react the way you say just about no matter what or how you act.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2009 5:01 PM

sex

While the matter of sex may be subsumed in your various other comments, it is important enough to have been given its own heading and its own treatment. Failure, or worse yet, conflict in this area will negate all the other considerations. Think about it.

(7)
shirley berent,
July 19, 2009 4:21 PM

I think that that the verb "to give" has been used so much, that one tends to forget its real meaning. Man and wife should be friends in marriage; which to me, means, a bond of friendship, trust, laughter, play, and struggling towards similar goals in life, together. If a man makes you feel like "garbage", he is not your friend. When either party is selfish or inconsiderate, it is not a problem of "giving", but a problem of self. Most emphasis has been placed on women "giving", being undeerstanding, submissive, and all that other language; it is not realistic. Treat us like human beings, and you will be treated accordingly. What is hateful to yourdself, don't do unto others. Don't expect us to be wonderwoman; we are women who want to be treated as such. In my opinion, the author of the book would have us turn our gaze towards the floor with shame instead of looking up into the eyes of our spouses with joy and pride. Don't confuse giving with being treated as a friend. If another person did all those things that were not to our liking, we would walk. So why accept it at home. You got the wrong "ADAM" ladies if this happens.

(6)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2009 4:20 PM

almost given up

What do you do when so many things are the opposite? You like regularity, order, and he is spontanious and unorderly. YOu like to go to sleep early, and he always stays up late. You like to stay at home, and he likes to go places. After thirty years, it is quite tiring.

(5)
David Mears,
July 19, 2009 3:47 PM

A practical primer for women

If my wife would have followed this primer, we would not
be divorcing now. There seems to such strong resistance, almost hostility and resentment against giving by some women. They feel put upon. This clear feeling is toxic in a marriage. I would like to read the practical primer for men you referenced. Some women feel men do not give, or have not given in their past experiences. or marriage is or has been too one sided where they have not received what they needed. The shrillness and at least some hostility toward men from the women's lib movement does not help a man feel open.

(4)
Caryl,
July 19, 2009 3:43 PM

Don't ask why

I enjoyed your article and practice most of your suggestions regularly. Because of this, I have a wonderful 41 year marriage with a husband I love more than I did when I married him. I wanted to comment to Suzanne. Don't ask why - - the only reason I can tell you why men don't like is I know from being a writer (and writing masculine characters) that strong men NEVER explain themselves. Any why question requires an explanation. Perhaps had you come at the question from another angle without the 'why' he would have provided the information you were looking for.
One more thing, ladies who aren't liking this - it is better to live in the corner of an attic than in a large house with a complaining woman. tee hee hee I know, I know, but it's true.

(3)
Cynthia,
July 19, 2009 2:48 PM

What addressed only to women?

Certainly this article applies to men as well as women.

(2)
Suzanne,
July 19, 2009 2:20 PM

So when does it start to work?

I've been doing most these things since we married. However, I find the more I give the more he wants. I can't remember the last time I did anything that made me feel alive. My whole existance has become satisfying his needs and wants.
As far as being a "helpmeet against him", no one seems to be able to advise me on ways to do this without making him feel disrespected. I once asked him why he folded a box a certain way (because I thought it might be more effective than my way and if so, I wanted to adapt to his way) and he unfolded the box and threw it down in a huff. If just asking why is a threat to him, how can I ever tell him when he is actually hurting me or heading for trouble in some other area?
As far as sleeping as little as he wants to, he likes to get by on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. As a result, he is consistently stressed and irritable and struggles with his weight. If I were to do likewise, I would have similar consequences. I don't see how picking up his bad habits and acquiring his health problems would help our marriage.

(1)
Esther,
July 19, 2009 11:11 AM

Thanks so much for your very helpful and down to earth guidelines! They might not be accepted by some feminists who sadly don't understand that life is about giving. Giving does not mean giving up your identity, on the contrary: it makes you a truly enriched and better person! Hashem is the greatest giver!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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