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Oxbridge on "Britain stops everything as Katie Hopkins feuds with Louise Mensch"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92458#post-268054
Thu, 27 Aug 2015 14:33:25 +0000Oxbridge268054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>:)
</p>Spartacus on "Britain stops everything as Katie Hopkins feuds with Louise Mensch"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92458#post-268048
Thu, 27 Aug 2015 14:04:16 +0000Spartacus268048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Probably better at half the length for a Nib rather than stretched out to FP and also needs a funnier headline and pay-off line.
</p>andyiong on "Britain stops everything as Katie Hopkins feuds with Louise Mensch"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92458#post-268044
Thu, 27 Aug 2015 13:36:42 +0000andyiong268044@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Not your best, to be honest. Aren't there some pretty girls receiving their exam results soon?
</p>Oxbridge on "Britain stops everything as Katie Hopkins feuds with Louise Mensch"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92458#post-268043
Thu, 27 Aug 2015 13:14:00 +0000Oxbridge268043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>It's the silence that slowly drives you mad...
</p>Tom Learmouth on "Yuan to be devalued to "nothing for 30 days", say CCP"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92510#post-268023
Thu, 27 Aug 2015 10:01:31 +0000Tom Learmouth268023@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>In a bid to maintain China's rapid economic growth, the Chinese Communist Party today announced the devaluation of the yuan to the equivalent of $0 (T&amp;Cs apply). China's currency will be distributed to everyone who fills in "a short registration form" as part of a 30 day free trial period. </p>
<p>"Effectively giving all interested foreigners 5000RMB each will force them to buy our exports and assert Chinese trade supremacy again", a CCP spokesman outlined. It mirrors the 30 day free trial period many private companies have used effectively over recent years; however, no such policy has previously been implemented by a nation state. The Renminbi handouts will be non-convertible during the trial period unless "a full account is activated by buying an electric heater and 3 budget car tyres using conventionally purchased yuan".</p>
<p>After the 30 day trial period, the yuan will once again float in the currency market. When asked about the reasoning behind the move, the CCP’s chief economist said, “We’re hoping to create a ‘well we may as well carry on buying Chinese stuff’ mind-set amongst foreigners. Once they start believing that, they’ll be digging their own grave.” Many commentators have attributed the intellectual inspiration to Netflix, however sources close to President Xi Jinping claim the idea comes "directly from Maoist ideology".</p>
<p>This morning, Donald Trump marched into Fox News without even getting dressed and screamed to viewers, “don’t go anywhere near that currency, citizens. It’s laced with yellow fever, I know it is. LACED!” Seemingly satisfied with the news, global stock markets rose sharply this morning, with the Shanghai Composite up by 304%.
</p>Oxbridge on "Britain stops everything as Katie Hopkins feuds with Louise Mensch"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92458#post-267877
Tue, 25 Aug 2015 15:56:04 +0000Oxbridge267877@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>All across the UK, people have stopped even pretending to work and got comfy in front of their laptops after Katie Hopkins and Louise Mensch started tearing lumps out of each other on Twitter. Analysts believe that the consequent inattention to daily life could have a serious knock-on effect on the already stagnating Chinese economy if too many people forget to go to their local retail park and buy some stupid shit.</p>
<p>Although they are mostly too thick to understand, let alone spell ‘schadenfreude’, nearly 40 million people agreed that a catfight between Britain’s two most appalling women, both of whom are apparently convinced that Marks &amp; Spencer's executive Laura Wade-Gery taking maternity leave at 50 is somehow any of their fucking business, is seriously likely to be the best thing ever.</p>
<p>‘Today's moaning minnies think it's never the right time for a kid. I'm 44 and I'd happily have another child tomorrow,’ said former Tory MP Mensch, who has taken all of four days to recover from alleging that autofill search options on Twitter about Jeremy Corbyn's support, which included ‘Zionist’, ‘Nazi’, ‘Jewish’ and ‘Jews’ when they were actually her own previous searches.</p>
<p>Earlier, failed Apprentice contestant Hopkins had stuck her fat gob into the non-issue by telling everyone she was ‘grossed out’ at the thought of a 50-year-old woman getting pregnant, adding, for the express purpose of confirming mens’ suspicions about all women really being bitchy maniacs out to do each other down, ‘I really don't think we need any more Menschkins running about this planet’.</p>
<p>‘Oh this is just priceless,' chuckled marketing executive Toby Watts-Rigby from Caterham. ‘The two most vile ratbags in the whole country bar none trolling each other over a complete irrelevance when the world economy seems to be about to go into meltdown – it doesn’t get better than this. And the daft thing is, they don’t even seem to realise they are both columnists for The Sun.’</p>
<p>‘Ah, hang on a minute….’
</p>Al OPecia on "Chinese to fake 'fake moon landing'."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=70891#post-208540
Sun, 19 Jan 2014 18:32:13 +0000Al OPecia208540@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Moon landing is "Chinese Fake-away".
</p>Titus on "Chinese to fake 'fake moon landing'."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=70891#post-208533
Sun, 19 Jan 2014 17:54:21 +0000Titus208533@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>"... No believes real footage- fake is always more convincing."</p>
<p>True.</p>
<p>Also true that most people don't believe what they are seeing when they watch an event at first hand. They have to video it, post it on the internet and get someone else to post a link to it before they believe that it really hapened and that they were there.</p>
<p>Psychologists must have a name for this.
</p>KateWritesStuff on "Chinese to fake 'fake moon landing'."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=70891#post-208520
Sun, 19 Jan 2014 14:16:31 +0000KateWritesStuff208520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Love it. *****
</p>Last Hussar on "Chinese to fake 'fake moon landing'."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=70891#post-208512
Sun, 19 Jan 2014 12:29:43 +0000Last Hussar208512@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Chinese space officials today admitted that they are sending real astronauts to the moon, as it is easier than faking a moon-landing convincingly.</p>
<p>"Modelling the low gravity on a sound stage is a huge problem," one unnamed official admitted. "We tried CGI, but the cost of the render-time was more than actually sending a ship there."</p>
<p>Instead the actual landing will be preceded by 2 other spaceships, one carrying the 20 man production crew, and another containing a specially made Ikea flat pack sound stage - known as "fakr"- with all the pieces needed, including polystyrene 'moon-rocks'.</p>
<p>NASA official Buzz Trellis said "We wish we'd done this. No-one believes real footage- fake is always more convincing."
</p>miked10270 on "David Cameron denies he is Richard Nixon."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=69664#post-204666
Tue, 03 Dec 2013 09:50:26 +0000miked10270204666@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Would "Honourable Candidate for Manchuria &amp; Witney" work better?
</p>miked10270 on "David Cameron denies he is Richard Nixon."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=69664#post-204664
Tue, 03 Dec 2013 09:35:49 +0000miked10270204664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>As Chinese toy manufacturers gear up for production of the David Cameron bendy doll (for domestic market only), the Honourable Member for Manchuria &amp; Witney denied that his hairstyle, pronounced forehead, personal qualities, questionable election win &amp; venal attitude to China were anything more than mere coincidences with America's 37th President, Richard Milhouse Nixon.</p>
<p>In a packed press conference, the PM stated; "You no ask that. I no Tlicky Dick. All people know Tony Brair one with taste for Chinese. You Ask my frien' Lupert Murdoch."</p>
<p>Mr Cameron went on to deny the bedroom tax was the thin end of a one-child policy before repeating his commitment to bring military forces back from Vietnam... Afghanistan.
</p>simmo on "China boosts economy by donating "unwanted" second children to Pudsey Bear"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=69042#post-202764
Fri, 15 Nov 2013 17:25:30 +0000simmo202764@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Terry Wogan reciprocates by sending back previously unreleased footage of naked Floral dancing.
</p>johnnydobbo on "China in chaos as UK economy soars"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60450#post-175535
Fri, 26 Apr 2013 08:22:09 +0000johnnydobbo175535@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yesterday's release of UK GDP figures had senior Chinese government officials hastily drawing plans to reshape their economy to stave off their resurgent new rival.</p>
<p>"Our paltry 7.7% growth figures that we announced a few weeks ago", read a Communist Party statement, "gave us enough cause for concern on their own. But coupled with the UK's enormous 0.3% growth, we now realise that in this global race we are sadly lagging behind".</p>
<p>Off the record, senior party grandees are concerned that the collapse of the Chinese boom relative to their British competitors will lead to mass civil unrest and demands for more and greater freedoms. "How we tackle that is difficult to envisage", a party official who wished to remain anonymous said. "After all, now that our economy is tanking and Britain's is booming, we can't afford their weapons any more".
</p>Oxbridge on "Britain 'relieved' as China turns out to be equally moronic"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58346#post-169321
Thu, 21 Mar 2013 12:02:48 +0000Oxbridge169321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Britain, the formerly quite capable island near Europe, has spoken of its relief at seeing television pictures of teenage girls in Beijing going hysterical over a brief glimpse of David Beckham getting out of a car. Hitherto, there had been growing fears that China's massive industrial power and highly educated workforce might one day be a threat to Western cultural hegemony.</p>
<p>'The growth of China's economy in the past generation has been such that even we have stopped looking at pictures of funny cats on Facebook for long enough to take notice of this new superpower of 1.1 billion people,' said Dr Julian Walker, Professor of Dappy From N-Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester. 'So it's comforting to know that a significant number of young Chinese are brain-dead wannabe starfuckers, just like us.'</p>
<p>Beckham then engaged in a brief kickabout with some young local players as part of his tour to promote football in China, while loud 'gangsta' music played on the tannoy and the spectators screamed out their love for him while booing at the mention of his wife, Victoria. 'Who says we don't export anything any more?' said Walker. 'Makes you proud to be British it does.'
</p>Nowherefast on "U.S.A Condemns Chinese Use Of Onomatopoeia As Dong Dong Wins Trampoline Gold"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133405
Sat, 04 Aug 2012 10:48:22 +0000Nowherefast133405@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Thank you :)
</p>ginty on "U.S.A Condemns Chinese Use Of Onomatopoeia As Dong Dong Wins Trampoline Gold"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133389
Sat, 04 Aug 2012 07:04:57 +0000ginty133389@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Superb! 5*.
</p>custard cream on "U.S.A Condemns Chinese Use Of Onomatopoeia As Dong Dong Wins Trampoline Gold"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133361
Fri, 03 Aug 2012 21:33:40 +0000custard cream133361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Fantastic, max.stars!
</p>Nowherefast on "U.S.A Condemns Chinese Use Of Onomatopoeia As Dong Dong Wins Trampoline Gold"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46337#post-133354
Fri, 03 Aug 2012 20:25:59 +0000Nowherefast133354@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>More Soon...
</p>Gary Stanton on "China denies Olympic pool success down to human-dolphin hybrids"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132957
Tue, 31 Jul 2012 08:26:31 +0000Gary Stanton132957@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Thanks all. </p>
<p>Dedicated to Bob Hall. 31st July 1998.<br />
(don't know whether you can in small type)
</p>Yikes on "China denies Olympic pool success down to human-dolphin hybrids"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132921
Mon, 30 Jul 2012 23:01:04 +0000Yikes132921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Very funny! Every paragraph a gem!
</p>dvo4fun on "China denies Olympic pool success down to human-dolphin hybrids"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132919
Mon, 30 Jul 2012 22:59:37 +0000dvo4fun132919@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Lovely FP - missed reading it earlier
</p>medici2471 on "China denies Olympic pool success down to human-dolphin hybrids"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132892
Mon, 30 Jul 2012 15:12:04 +0000medici2471132892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The Chinese men's diving gold is now certain to fuel speculation amid concerns that the CPOC may retaliate with human-shark hybrid claims aimed at Rebecca Adlington.
</p>Gary Stanton on "China denies Olympic pool success down to human-dolphin hybrids"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46157#post-132888
Mon, 30 Jul 2012 14:02:58 +0000Gary Stanton132888@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The first cheating scandal of the Olympic Games erupted today when China angrily denied accusations made by BBC presenter, Claire Balding, that its six gold medals in the pool have been won by human-dolphin hybrids.</p>
<p>As Chinese swimming prodigy Ye Shiwen completed an extraordinary performance to smash the world record for a dolphin, Balding responded by donning a wet suit and demanded a full public inquiry into the incident.</p>
<p>Many in Team GB now suspect the Chinese have embarked on a secretive human-dolphin breeding programme to thwart British athletes who have never even looked at a dolphin that way let alone interfered with one. The BBC presenter’s claims her suspicions were raised when she overheard the 16 year-old Ye Shiwen (16 in human years) navigating her way around the Olympic pool’s deep-end using a series of clicks. </p>
<p>‘Also noteworthy was Ye Shiwen’s almost docile friendliness and the way she can position herself upright in the water when not swimming at phenomenal speed,’ said Balding. She then provoked a Twitter storm by recommending that viewers ‘look at her toothy smile and her ability to balance a ball on the end of her nose.’</p>
<p>Though some deemed for Balding’s comments outrageous, she later received the support of former Olympic Gold medallist , Duncan Goodhew, who recommended that Chinese swimmers be tested for dolphin traits by seeing how well they perform in tuna nets. Goodhew said ‘If they get caught up in them very easily and start thrashing about then you’re looking at a hybrid athlete who shares a lot of DNA with Flipper.‘ </p>
<p>‘This has to be non-fish Rebecca Adlington’s best hope of a gold medal. Game on! ‘</p>
<p>Meanwhile, an unrepentant Balding denied accusations of sour grapes, insisting she will poolside for the 800 metres freestyle final with a bucket of fish in order ‘to tell the genuine athletes apart from the slippery dolphin hybrid cheats.’</p>
<p>Last night, the Chinese Peoples Olympic Committee hit back suggesting that Olympic dope-fiend Dwain Chambers had improved on his personal best in the 200 metres by grafting on the back legs on an antelope.</p>
<p>(link, sorry but it's the Mail)<br />
<a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2180784/Olympics-2012-Clare-Balding-questions-Chinas-girl-torpedo-Ye-Shiwens-400m-swimming-triumph.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2180784/Olympics-2012-Clare-Balding-questions-Chinas-girl-torpedo-Ye-Shiwens-400m-swimming-triumph.html</a>
</p>Reg Herring on "GM Bamboo Shoots Turn Pandas Green"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45553#post-131115
Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:28:54 +0000Reg Herring131115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Pandamonium broke out today amongst anti-GM protestors in the West after it emerged Chinese scientists have developed a new genetically-modified strain of bamboo shoot and introduced it on a large scale to feed wild pandas.</p>
<p>Secret undercover Chinese environmental activists in fear of their lives report the new shoots contain a special aphrodisiac ingredient designed to make pandas constantly randy with the side-effect that it turns them green.</p>
<p>Already the wild green panda population has hit a reported 4.7 million although, as they are much harder to spot, this figure may be slightly inaccurate.</p>
<p>Chinese toy manufacturers are believed to be producing millions of furry green panda dolls and t-shirts ready to saturate the global cuddly toy market and make approximately $1.8 trillion in the first year from US sales alone.</p>
<p>Green Party panda spokesperson Ms Lucy McLentil, who lives near Edinburgh Zoo in a one-bedroomed flat worth £49,995 said: “I’d much rather campaign on behalf of the few remaining cute cuddly black and white pandas than millions of these green freaks roaming around everywhere. If we’re not careful, this could become a global pandemic and I’m going to have to think of something f*****g else to save from extinction to pay my mortgage.”</p>
<p>The Chinese authorities were unavailable for comment and have banned all talk on the subject, preferring instead to play military marching music on all media channels 24 hours a day and launching a few test missiles in Taiwan’s direction.
</p>Tomfinger on "China offers 2 million security guards for free"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45382#post-130488
Sun, 15 Jul 2012 20:42:57 +0000Tomfinger130488@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I felt as if Benny Hill was in the same room. The patronising boss Nick Buckles line was good.
</p>gaztop on "China offers 2 million security guards for free"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45382#post-130446
Sun, 15 Jul 2012 10:04:43 +0000gaztop130446@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Major Yung Wong Su from the Chinese Peoples Employment Bureau has offered to send the United Kingdom two million of its unemployed Scientists to work as security guards at the London Olympic Village. Major Su made the decision after speaking to relatives who live and work in West Ham. The family run a local popular take away and are often patronised by G4S Security boss Nick Buckles. </p>
<p>Major Yung Wong Su said; "My cousin Woo tell me you short of security guard so I think we short an got lot of unemploy Scientist, dey lazy no wan make atomic bomb an is not good for Ying Yang an Yen of motherlan, so we give for free. Dey give free calendar wiv every ticket an no fall sleep unlike Imperialist layabout. Your government think it way we invade you country, has he bin China Town in London? Ha Ha! It will work, we use 2 million Irish to build Great Wall, dey wen home after job done. So will we. Maybe.
</p>simonhansen on "Chinese astronauts return to Earth to find a planet where intelligent talking ap"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44749#post-128097
Fri, 29 Jun 2012 20:29:35 +0000simonhansen128097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Chinese astronauts return to Earth to find a planet where intelligent talking apes are the dominant species, and humans are oppressed and enslaved.</p>
<p>China's first female astronaut, 33-year-old Liu Yang, and two others came out of deep hibernation this morning to find that their ship had crashed to Earth. They soon learned that the planet continues to be ruled by shaved, coke-induced monkeys.</p>
<p>The apes, who use the primitive race of humans for experimentation and sport, have mastered obtuse financial terminology to baffle Man, who is, still, mostly pre-lingual, while women remain crippled by a constant state of social paranoia.</p>
<p>The crew of the Shenzhou 9 will be debriefed at the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center followed by a photo shoot and sandwiches.
</p>Username on "Chinese disappointed by Clarkson-Panda swap"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99340
Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:45:28 +0000Username99340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nice idea, well executed
</p>dvo4fun on "Chinese disappointed by Clarkson-Panda swap"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35146#post-99285
Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:53:36 +0000dvo4fun99285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Quick work there nick, lovely job
</p>