Month: July 2016

I touched briefly on my last post about losing 40-50 pounds in the past.

(I say 40-50 because towards the end of my weightloss and before I got pregnant, I didn’t weigh myself anymore.)

After pregnancy, being diagnosed with Hashimotos (hypothyroidism caused by antibodies attacking the thyroid gland) and it taking almost two years for me to start feeling better – I want to get back to where I was.

So, what happens when you start feeling better on the inside, but your outside doesn’t reflect it?

It causes me major self-image issues, that’s what.

I am feeling stronger now and ready to take on physical challenges again. I feel like a badass whenever I am at bootcamp or running and realize I am accomplishing feats I have never done before or at least haven’t in a very long time.

I even have days or weeks where I feel like my squishy bits are looking a bit less squishy and I can feel some sort of definition taking place.

Alas, then I see a picture of myself and I feel so defeated.

I know it is such a struggle, for women especially, to accept the way we look.

We avoid taking pictures altogether, or we only allow certain angles, or we filter and touch up the pictures until they look the way we want.

Sometimes we avoid social situations altogether because we are uncomfortable with how we look.

We think we are being judged – when in reality we are our own worst critic – for the most part.

I truly believe that everyone else is so focused on themselves to judge as harshly as we judge ourselves.

On the flip side, it can be such a bitch to be feeling good and have this idea of what you look like, and then see yourself in an unflattering picture – or when you try to get into that outfit that you thought was your size and you realize it is too small.

I was almost in dreamland last night when I realized I had forgotten to put the wet laundry into the dryer. Sometimes if it stays overnight in the washer, it can smell musty, so I rushed downstairs – miraculously avoiding the sleeping dog on the floor by my bed and switched the clothes over to the dryer.

Mission accomplished, right?

Nope. I thought I would be a baller and tidy up the recroom a bit.

Secretly, I just wanted to bring the mug I had been using upstairs so I could use it for coffee or tea in the morning.

My favourite mug, I might add.

It was my favourite for a few reasons.

It was huge and pretty.

It was also thick and wide brimmed.

It was also free. I won it at a wedding shower last year.

Just look at ‘er:

She is beautiful.

I am pretty sure she’ll fit a good 8 oz and that makes her all the more glorious.

I ran with Mug upstairs and noticed the counter had a dirty butter knife on it and decided to put that in the dishwasher as well.

Unsurprisingly, in my midnight stupor, I swiped the butter knife onto the floor with one hand, holding Mug in the other.

With a clang, the knife flew off the counter and onto the ceramic tile.

Not thinking, I let go of Mug.

Ceramic tile be damned.

She’s even beautiful while she sleeps eternally.

I don’t know where Mug is from.

It could be a dollar store mug, or a fancy mug from the Fancy Mug store.

Either way, her value was not on the amount she cost, or even the liquid gold she held for my consumption.

I just really liked her, dammit.

She was just one thing – ONE THING – that I looked forward to in my morning routine.

Sometimes we sipped and read the news on the deck while the little played in the backyard.

Once or twice she came on our walks to the mailbox – or even on a short car ride.

There was a time when I thought Mug was lost.

Turns out Husband was quite fond of her too – but he was irresponsible and left her in his work truck amongst some dirty tools.

He never used her again.

So there she goes. Ready for the recycling box of broken glass.

She will fit in well with the beautiful mercury glass candle stick Toddler broke just after Christmas.

Did I mention I had good intentions at the time?

I was going to clean her up and we were going to have another day together.

Yeah sure, she was abused and used as much as I wanted, but I never meant to hurt her.

Sometimes it happens when we mean to do good things – at least we think they are good. We have done them all along, even though they are a bit self-serving.

We may have this thing that we love, we almost take for granted, get a little reckless and then it all comes crashing down.

Mug is broken and can not be repaired.

I have done this exact same thing figuratively so many times.

I have had great intentions, lovely things – and I either drop them or throw them away.

Relationships, friendships, bonds of trust and even my own personal virtues.

I have broken many.

All too often they are broken beyond repair.

Of course, we could slap some glue and tape on Mug and she might hold out for a day, or give one last offering – but the damage has been done.

I am sure I will find a replacement somewhere.

Maybe it will be a blue one and we will forget about the accident.

My wine glasses are currently throwing me shade glances from their perch in the curio cabinet.