Me: "They're still not equal. I've got a tape measure in my pocket. I'll measure and we'll know exactly where to cut."

Wife: "Who brings a tape measure to a restaurant to eat dinner with his wife?"

Me: "A husband who wants to make sure he gets a full half. Here, cut it right here where I made the mark."

She cut the salmon. I took half and she took half. I let her have all the broccoli.

Me: "Our neighbors are sitting right behind you."

Wife: "I'm not turning around so you can steal part of my dinner. I know your tricks."

When we finished the waitress returned.

Waitress: "Well, it looks like you enjoyed that! Now, will there be anything else? How about some of our chocolate covered brownie, ice cream sundae delight with whipped cream, nuts, and cherries? It's huge. The two of you could split it. I'll bring two spoons."

I was very much tempted to say yes.

But no matter what you promised years ago, there are some trials of sharing you should just never try to put your marriage through.

John Norberg writes a weekly column that appears in the Journal & Courier on the Communities page the first Friday of each month. On subsequent weekends you can read his columns at jconline.com and johnnorberg.com. Follow John on Twitter, @norbergj, and on Facebook.