Five Sex Tips for Women About Men

Connecting with a man sexually can be as simple as making him feel wanted, says Laurie Watson.

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1) Men want to be desired too. As women we are socialized to be the objects of desire not the owners of desire. We grow up thinking that sex is something that happens to us, not something we make happen. Seldom do we feel as agents of our own sexual lives. Bombarded with messages from the media about impossible physical standards we are often wracked with insecurity of our attractiveness. We may struggle to reveal our erotic imagination lest we raise suspicion or resentment (for not saying so sooner!) in our partner. Childhood training and adult anxiety leave us weak in reaching out in this powerful way to reassure our partner of our commitment to him. A commitment to grow strong in our erotic core, fulfills our pledge of fidelity – away from others.. yes… but more importantly onto an exciting sexual relationship. Our husbands don’t just want sex; they want us to want them. It’s ever so slightly different but there’s almost a spiritual difference. Wanting confirms our love and reveals our vulnerability to our primitive bond with each other. For many men, sex IS love, sex IS connection and a woman’s sexual initiation, compliments, and “winks across the party” offer deep feelings of both excitement and security.

The media is increasingly adding pressure to men about their appearance and even guys who have never been vain, can succumb. Working 60 hours a week to help provide for the family takes a toll on that athletic physique; aging can bring baldness, failing erections, wrinkles which subtract from his sex appeal (for the record- baldness can mean higher testosterone!) or even his promotability! It’s a rough, critical world out there and we need all need the affirming physical love of our partner. More deeply though, in a monogamous relationship, sexual desire is what sets our lover apart as our unique. Expressing our desire says – I want you – we belong together.

2) Stop, drop and roll every once in a while. Women need lots of time to get into the mood and even more time to reach orgasm, but every time? Even once in a blue moon, should you get yourself in the mood and ready, blow his mind (and anything else that comes to mind.) Unleashed aggression. Be hungry. Devour. Forget Saran Wrap and babydoll nighties – dress up in DESIRE.

Women tell me every day in therapy, “I can’t do it if I don’t feel connected.” But it can’t always be one directional. If your partner bonds sexually, needs sex to feel relaxed and talkative, initiate toward your mutual goal of being connected.

Every healthy marriage goes through three stages: fall in, fall out and fall back in love. Falling out of love strips away our oft distorted projections of who are partner is – offering us the first clear sight of a real “other,” usually not the prince or the toad but a real human being with warts.

The commitment necessary to fall back in love is simple. Simple and hard. Love your partner the way they like to be loved. This opens the space for true reciprocity. The risk is he will take all your love and use it up without giving back. With ordinary good people, a one spouse-only, six month commitment of loving your partner their way, will radically change the marriage. It’s my goal in marital therapy with superstuck couples – to convince, support, cajole, wheedle, and move one partner to risk first. Over and over, I witness how quickly their partner responds to the untallied, uncalculated gift of unconditional love. Save the therapy money – try it. If you’re a woman, who needs erotic development to really take this chance; even if you lose the marriage; you will become a more whole woman in the process. It’s difficult to risk when you already feel empty, yet usually your partner has a mirror experience of your feelings. He feels empty too. Change the marriage – change the family climate – change the divorcerate – change your children’s lives – change the world.

3) Grab him. Yeah, there. If you are going to initiate – go for broke. The most common complaint I hear from men whose wives claim they did initiate is “I didn’t get the signal.” One wife asked her husband if he was tired. He would have never imagined that sex was on her mind, so he replied, yes. She concluded that he didn’t want sex because she didn’t want sex when tired. Another wife in treatment told me she sat down next to her husband while watching TV. Did she touch him? No. Did she sit in his lap? No. Did she snuggle? No, she was waiting on him to start the touching. She really thought she had initiated. Maybe your guy needs some connection first; some men don’t want to drop their briefcase and roll in the foyer. For him, feel free to offer wine, cheese, crackers and a backrub. You probably don’t like him to initiate by grabbing your breast or vulva; but men often try this because it’s how they fantasize being approached. So to reiterate – try it his way.

4) Offer up a sexy debrief the next morning. Men love to hear what you think of the last experience. Talking about sex is almost like having sex. Women think if they start talking about it; he’ll start thinking about it and be disappointed that she doesn’t want to start all over again. Probably true. Double header? If you’re really opposed to doing it again in the morning, wait and text him the debrief. He’ll swagger into his meeting with the boss.

But in the morning over coffee, you will have his full attention to suggest ways that will make it better for you. He won’t be lost in his own overpowering lust. Do a high-low-high analysis. “I loved it when you did x; next time, it would really be better for me if you did y; but I thought thus and so about your great z.” Anytime we offer criticism, it is better to wrap it in velvet and reassure our partner that we think he’s sexy and good in bed.

5) Make it a game changer. Let’s say you are the sexual distancer and emotional pursuer and he’s the opposite. You want him to ask about your feelings and he wants you to remember his sexual needs. The goal is to make your patterns more flexible not to change you into the eternal sexual pursuer. Women are afraid that as soon as they enter the sexual relationship more fully, their husbands will raise the bar and expect more. One woman in my practice got excited about telling her husband on the vacation car ride that she was fully prepared to rip his clothes off when they got to the hotel. He asked for sex before they left the house. She heard herself sigh and ask if they could just get on the road. He encroached on her space and in her mind ruined her great plans to surprise him with initiating sex.

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Very good advice Laurie. As a male, I am naturally assertive, but I want to have that assertion met with, as you state — desire. Men know when they are being manipulated with sex and our souls retreat without a feeling of being wanted or desired — not just for what we do, but just for being alive. Yes, there is a spiritual aspect to this. Psychologist Martin Buber, founder of dialogical psychology, spoke of the “I – Thou” place of sacred communication, the namaste place where people can connect spirit to spirit. It is that place of sacred desire… Read more »

Adding my 2 bits to a great article and great comments. As a woman, I know that it is true that women often do need to be “in the mood” to have sex. So plan ahead a few minutes and get yourself into that mood – by yourself and in your mind (or whatever it takes – think about your last hot session together, etc.) – even with some self-pleasuring if needed. THEN jump him. 🙂 B/c then you’re ready; he will appreciate it and you get to finish WITH him. And if he’s not in the mood – you… Read more »

Nice subject, I agree that some women need to get more involved in sex with their partner. So many of them tend to think they can just lay there or not care about what the other person wants. If a man tells you he doesn’t like how you do something and even tries to explain how he would like it then you should be gracious enough to listen to him. You may be hurting him or at least pushing him away because you refuse to change how you do it. Most guys will try to satisfy a woman, even if… Read more »

This is a great article in that it addresses something that honors a deeply important part of a man- it is amazing that to simply touch a man at his sex centre can open up so much love, acceptance and desire for connection, in him. In my experience it offers something for the giver as well for when I touch my lover in this way his joy and pleasure opens my heart too. And for me to connect with him fully in offering this I have to drop into my heart as well so it becomes a win win experience.

I’d like to highlight that all of this really speaks to having a relationship built on mutual respect, and open communication. If we are each true to our own selves, it is easier to be true to one another.

I feel like writing this on all threads: Ladies, expectation of mindreading is horrrible and can kill relationships. This isn’t just about sex. It’s about everything. Usually we can’t read your mind. In the case Anthony is commenting above (he’s right!), the lady needs to say, “I’ve got a surprise for you later.” She needn’t specify what. I have a sometime female friend (has been sort of a grilfriend in the past) who expects mindreading.

Being married to someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with is a pleasure within it self. Now, with that said…..having sex shouldn’t be as confusing as some people make it out to be. The stars of porn make sex so enjoyable lets try forget about they are being paid. They are free ….meaning they feel free to make each other feel good, they maybe acting but that is why alot of people watch it because of the free-ness it seems that these people have and no reluctantance to give one another pleasure. They are… Read more »

One woman in my practice got excited about telling her husband on the vacation car ride that she was fully prepared to rip his clothes off when they got to the hotel. He asked for sex before they left the house. She heard herself sigh and ask if they could just get on the road. He encroached on her space and in her mind ruined her great plans to surprise him with initiating sex. This sounds a bit like my GF’s behaviour, that I would encroach her mind and ruining her mood by bringing up the subject of possible sex.… Read more »

Maybe she shouldn’t have shared with him what she wanted to do to him once they reach the hotel? Maybe could have given him a sample of she will finish doing to him when they get to the hotel and throughout the vacation. Maybe she could have sat in the passengers seat and teased him by touching herself to create the mood throughout the vacation and not just when they make it to the hotel room. There are certain thing that could have happened…why is ex being taken out of sexy and leaving people with the y?

[…] Five Sex Tips for Women About Men — The Good Men Project by Doc on Sunday, November 4th, 2012 | No Comments Connecting with a man sexually can be as simple as making him feel wanted, says Laurie Watson. 1) Men want to be desired too. As women we are socialized …goodmenproject.com/sex…/five-sex-tips-for-women-about-me… […]

@L, maybe you should submit an article to GMP for us men to understand more and how to deal with asexual women or other women with alternative sexualities. I’ll be honest i do not feel connected with asexual women, not because its encroached my hetero manly space, its because i always have relationship with hetero and sexual women in my life. In fact several times i’m the one with lower libido. I admit the idea of some times in the future i may be in relationship with asexual woman scared the shit out of me. Its not the idea of… Read more »

In general, I believe sex, when it’s really good, makes both partners, whoever they are, more androgynous, regardless of their genitals. I also reserve the right to make essentialist critiques of modernist fetishes, which, I strongly believe, are driven off of internalized social pathologies, and are not just innocent “choices.” Yes, I realize that the terms “critique,” “essentialist,” and “modernist” may not go together well, as the song says. But I believe that much of what might be thought of as “kinky” postmodernist “play” may be modernist problems driven by palpable roots that are fairly common. Let’s see, why WOULD… Read more »

Of course they’re not “innocent choices.” I don’t think anyone with knowledge of BDSM and fetishism would argue that point. These things don’t develop in a vacuum. They have roots in people’s childhoods, past experiences, and, as you said, internalized pathologies. We wouldn’t sexualize power exchange unless there was some deep and unfulfilled need. You didn’t say this, but in reading between the lines I gather you might argue we have Dom/sub relationships because women miss men who “take charge,” and Domme/sub relationships are am outgrowth of the cultural emasculation of men. Those two lines of thought in particularly are… Read more »

Actually, I wouldn’t argue that. I have a very different sexual style, and it wouldn’t occur to me. I’m pretty much an alpha, but many of my lovers have been alpha women (like my wife.) She’s also, like many, many of my lovers, a bit OCD. So, of I have a speciality, it’s probably accomodating OCD professional women, and slowing them down. I had at least two lovers who were a lot less OCD, and they were joys to be with, especially sexually. I’m not very OCD in my home life, but learned to be this way professionally. But they… Read more »

OCD and fetishes in one post… OCD – I see this mostly won the negative sexually in women who cringe at oral sex -sometimes either way.. perhaps you are saying that OCD shuts down the spontaneity in other ways sexually too. But that a little of it makes for a better housemate and more organized professional (is this why my house is messy? 😉 ) Fetishes… Dolores and Hank, I think you both have points… professionally, I am working to have sex connect people. Sometimes fetishes get in the way… the young man who wants to have sex in a… Read more »

I liked this article alot. I think this was very sex positive. It’s nice to see the conversation regarding sex focused on something different. Such as a man and woman actually focusing on each other. It’s nice to hear guys talk about sex in terms of their actual partners and not about porn and fantasy and outside influences and outside attraction to other women that I feel like men are more likely to express then actually talking about these more personal and one on one things. I like when men take the time to focus on their partners and themselves… Read more »

Would love to actually see some sex tips for mis-matched couples though, where one partner has a lower libido, or is on the ace spectrum. I read this, and some comments, and felt a disconnect between what makes intrinsic sense to me and what is often lauded as universally applicable. What about those of us who don’t have sex for the sake of sex? That’s your next project. 😛

Yes, L… it’s quite a project to write something that helps all the variety of sexual attraction, non-attraction, asexual people, hetero, homo, etc… Will work on it.. thanks for reading and reminding us of the great variety of people out there.

You know, articles like this don’t even have to be inclusive in the sense that advice needs to be applicable to everyone ever, but simply calling a spade a spade–“These tips aren’t for everyone”–and the assumed normophilic, cisheterosexuality needs to be not as much of an unstated assumption. The fact that your list is presented in a way that erases all other experiences and sexualities, not to mention takes for granted a binarist perspective, is what’s most damaging.

Maybe it’s just me, but putting that little disclaimer at the top would be extremely easy to do.

Such a little disclaimer wouldn’t help in your case as you don’t read – the title is pretty indicative what this article is about (roughly 91,8% is heterosexual…), yet you feel entitled (and the need) to whine about it not addressing your non-mainstream lifestyle – not once, but even twice.
So yes, it’s just you – and instead of spending your time on commenting here, why not write your own article, for your niche? Or even better, start your own blog? Make sure you give it a proper title – so I will stay away and refrain myself from useless commenting.

All I hear is “baw weirdos are encroaching on my hetero manly space I’m uncomfortable with this so I’m going to react in the only way I know how: by being a macho ass because thinking is hard”. I do have a blog, and I do write pretty profusely, thank you. I also contribute on forums of various sorts, and I–gasp–comment on others blogs too! Wow, what a novel idea, having discussions in spaces designed to have discussions. If you wanna have a manly everythingelsephobic shitfit, then try a different article. The author here already agreed with my initial points.… Read more »

some women are totally comfortable with sex and initiating it; and their husbands are the “emotional” connector/less of the initiator. How about an article for us and our feelings – esp. after 2 decades of marriage.

The article “On Withholding Sex,” also here on GMP, is aimed at people with mismatched libidos. Worth a read. However, based on the 300+ comments on that article, I’d venture to say that nearly 10 out of 10 readers/commenters wouldn’t view an ace person as having a “valid” sexuality. That once you get married, that’s not an option. That if you’re ace or just low-libido, you shouldn’t get married unless your spouse also is. Read the intensely angry responses from husbands who are full to the brim with resentment. They seem to believe, for the most part, that they’ve all… Read more »

It’s why I generally stay away from GMP– male-dominated spaces are, by and large, extremely hostile toward alternative sexualities and, well… the general sense of sexual entitlement (nevermind that asexual men exist too) is through the roof in these kinds of places. At best it’s irritating and at worst its triggering for me.

At the very least articles like this should be clearly marked as to who the intended audience is… otherwise the hegemonic , normophilic, cisheterosexuality gets presented as, once again, The Norm and The Standard By Which All Other Sexuality Is Measured Against. And, well… fuck that.

Interesting points – good to read them, from a woman this time. All seems to boil down to ‘communication’: be specific – men are not mindreaders….
We’ve been shot down enough to not automatically interpret your move, gesture or words as an invitation or initiation. But, we remain ‘simple’, we don’t want second-guessing – so, by communicating openly, honestly and respectfully you (as a woman) make your relationship / life simpler as well – and so much more fun.

Hey Laurie, I shared your article on FB and was challenged by female friends to write my own. Maybe I’ll do that but in the meantime, I offered my take on the ones you provided. I thought you might be interested as well… #1: Nothing is hotter to me than when my woman expresses her desire for me. It doesn’t have to go anywhere either. It doesn’t mean that we have to have sex. It just feels really good to know that she wants me. To me, sexual desire = love. I wish it didn’t tho b/c this perspective leaves… Read more »

I posted a version of this elsewhere in a comment, but I’m repeating here because I think it’s really important for women. Masturbation is not dirty or shameful – never, ever make your partner feel that it is. Masturbation is just as much a part of sex as penetrative intercourse is. Don’t underestimate the idea of cuddling while he masturbates. The idea that a man should be sent to the bathroom to jerk off alone in shame is ridiculous. I have really enjoyed nuzzling my partner’s neck, whispering things to him, and just touching him while he masturbates. It’s a… Read more »

Any advice for a woman whose boyfriend is a bit, well, uptight, so that he gets really embarrassed when I act the ways suggested in the article? i.e., whenever I express intense desire, initiate sex, or even talk about sex? — as a result, I have toned down my sexual expression quite a bit over the course of our relationship (we’ve been together 2 years), thinking he doesn’t like it when I act that way, even though I would really LIKE to be more sexually open and even aggressive sometimes. Should I keep trying? The relationship is good overall, and… Read more »

Dear Girlfriend! First, I’d like to celebrate your steady desire and eroticism! I think it’s terrific that you want these things. Your boyfriend needs to develop his sexual self actually and you are not alone. Many couples I see have the woman wanting sex more often, wilder and with more intensity. I think the popularity of 50 Shades indicates that women often want a more intense experience (not necessarily BDSM.) Try to live in your own self and if he can’t take it or shames you or is unwilling to join in then perhaps you have your answer.

In my opinion, when it comes specifically to shame and embarrassment, it’s worth digging for a root cause. Was he caught masturbating and humiliated for it? Did a past lover make him feel inadequate? Was he taught that sex should never be discussed or acknowledged? Is there an insecurity getting in the way of him feeling good about himself as a sexual being? The kind of work it takes to dig through all of this requires you to know each other really well and have a high degree of honesty and communication. Maybe he just needs to feel safe (emotionally,… Read more »

Thank you for the feedback! He had a sexually repressive childhood where sex and masturbation were “bad” so I think that’s the source lot of his issues. I’m just never sure if I should keep pushing or let him stay in his comfort zone. I’m actually fairly vanilla in my sexual tastes but I enjoy being really sexy and making a guy crazy with lust. he never shames me or anything, he just gets a bit freaked out when I do something like talk dirty or tell him I’m thinking about having sex with him. He does really really love… Read more »

Great article Laurie! You nailed it for me! I immediately sent to my wife and asked her to read. It has not been the easiest to communicate to her but you do it well. What I appreciate is that you don’t take the “Mars/Venus” way out of it but rather acknowledge a much more multifaceted approach to men’s sexuality. Something I am very much in favor of if you read my stuff.

Emailing articles like this back and forth can be a great way to communicate, and major points to you for seizing that. My partner and I do that a lot – but also with porn videos, as in “I’d really like to try this! It looks so hot!” or “THIS particular element of the scene is what really sends me over the edge.” That’s probably a bit extreme for most couples, but the essence of my point is that piggybacking on other resources, whether it’s to use them as a conversation jump-starter or as a sort of show-and-tell, can be… Read more »

Nice analysis… you’ve clearly thought a lot about this and I love the way you use these modes to describe different things in the sexual experience! Really feel like I learned some new ways to say things Hugh!! Thanks

I think whether you’re primarily visual, kinesthetic, or aural may have something to do with this. My belief is that eye contact is primarily a flirting thing. (I’m primarily either visual or kinesthetic.) Two of the best flirts I’ve ever had (both women were married, as was I, and it never turned into anything more) were when the woman and I, conversing, just could not stop eye contact for minutes. I don’t know if we even blinked. During sex, I’m not sure about this. I think you kinestheticly and visually “check out” how your partner feels. But it’s probably not… Read more »