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Topic: Rude not to drink? (Read 12076 times)

OP here. Mil was doing us a favor letting us stay due to hurricane. She was going out of her way to make me coffee because she knows i like it. Been 6 years since we have seen her and there is a language barrier. I think i would have hurt her feelings had i dumped it. She was not happy with DH for dumping it.

I think it depends on your DH's relationship with his mom. With my husband and his mother, that reaction would have been totally acceptable - they're extremely forth-coming with each other and my husband is not afraid to tell his mother exactly what he's thinking. She probably would have laughed at him. With my mother, I definitely would correct her, more with a, "Ooo, Mom, that doesn't taste right. Let's try that again!"

If it was anyone other than family or extremely close friends, I probably would have feigned an upset stomach like you and went without coffee that morning.

Even keeping in mind that his mother made the coffee, what he actually did was unnecessarily forceful. All he had to do was say, "Oh mom, did you use instant to brew this? Here, let me show you how to do this, instant doesn't work for coffee this way."

OP here. Mil was doing us a favor letting us stay due to hurricane. She was going out of her way to make me coffee because she knows i like it. Been 6 years since we have seen her and there is a language barrier. I think i would have hurt her feelings had i dumped it. She was not happy with DH for dumping it.

Then I think your DH was rude. I'm wondering what his manner was when he dumped it, and what he said, etc.

OP here. Mil was doing us a favor letting us stay due to hurricane. She was going out of her way to make me coffee because she knows i like it. Been 6 years since we have seen her and there is a language barrier. I think i would have hurt her feelings had i dumped it. She was not happy with DH for dumping it.

Then I think your DH was rude. I'm wondering what his manner was when he dumped it, and what he said, etc.

(Does your MIL like you better than him now? ;-) )

He was already angry and frustrated at our situation that morning, so tact was not with him. He was impatient with her. I felt badly because she doesn't have very much and she went out of her way to do that for me, so I wasn't going to hurt her feelings. He did the same thing with the dinner she made the night before for us... she made a chicken lasagne with a white sauce and he hates white sauce so he refused to eat the food. Poor woman was trying so hard to be a good host to us, but he was acting like a brat, IMHO.

I was wondering what the general consensus was on the issue, though so it's still interesting to see everyone's replies.

This reminded me of when I was 8 years old and spending the night at my best friend's house. BFF had told her mother that I liked bacon a bit undercooked. (Yes, but just a little bit undercooked!) So BFF's mom made us bacon -- that was almost completely raw.

Even at that age, though, my mom's training came through -- I ate the bacon without a murmur, even though it was awful.

I think simply pouring it out would be rude, but politely explaining "Did you know instant is freeze-dried coffee and needs to be prepared differently? Why don't I show you" would be fine -- at least in my family.

On the other hand, I did simply stop eating the Thanksgiving dinner where my mother served undercooked Turkey. I should probably post about that on the holiday board, now that I think of it.

Dependent on the family dynamic, one can often be blunt without being dsisrespectful, so in general an action like your husband's depends on the family. I think his wording was a bit too blunt (even in the general case) but I don't think that pouring out the coffee or telling his mother that it's undrinkable were de facto rude. With your update, though, it's obvious that he was being disresepctful to her, and that's pretty much always rude. If I'd been in the same situation, I'd have poured out the coffee, but I'd have been much kinder in pointing out that it didn't taste right, and I'd offer to rectify that myself so she didn't feel badly about it. As for the lasagna, again it's not always rude to decline to eat something you don't like but his method for handling it was rude. In any case, effusive thanks for the attempt at hospitality are in order, both to soften the blow of not liking the offering and because it's polite to thank your host for the effort.

I don't like coffee. I do have a coffee maker for guests who do. The Professor doesn't drink it either, but he knows how to make it -- I guess. I generally ask the most ardent coffee lover guest around to do the honors. That way, we can be pretty sure it turns out well. I think your MIL, who apparently doesn't drink coffee either, might have adopted this tactic profitably. She also might have laughed and said, "oh, you make it, then" which would give you Command of the Coffee Maker. Whether or not DH was rude depends on how his family works. If she would say to him (or you), "no, no, you're doing that sauce all wrong. That's going to be awful! Here, let me show you," it was probably OK, or close to it. If MIL would say that to him, but not you, I think both of you were fine. As someone said, family culture. With maybe a touch of brat and disrespect on his part. He could have been much, much nicer.

My mother will instruct anybody, anywhere, anytime on the correct way to make tea. She views this as a mission. She is pretty tactful about it, considering how strongly she feels about it, and usually phrases it as "May I make Elsewherian tea for you?" She brings her own, despises bags, and won't touch tea anywhere if it is not prepared according to her picky specifications. She asks for water or something else easily and obviously available when only terrible tea is likely to be available and she can't offer to make it properly. When I have the option, I use her approach as a preemptive strike. When presented with a cup of the undrinkable, and it would be unkind (etiquette is often about kindness) to dump or ignore it, I will take a sip or two, and play with it until I can say, "Oh, dear, this has gone cold," and ask for something else, usually water, or offer make Real, Elsewherian, tea, which I happen to conveniently have with me, if that is possible. FWIW

I think you would be fine picking up whatever kind of coffee you like and presenting it her, saying you think this is better for her machine, and may you make a pot that perhaps she would like to taste? And, since she is hosting both you, take her out to dinner or buy the ingredients and cook for her.

I think it was ungracious of your husband to dump it in front of his mother while making a remark about how he can't drink it. I think you did fine.

I'm not a coffee drinker so I'm not sure what happens to instant coffee when you brew it. If it comes out super strong, I'd think you could just water it down. If its weak - well, it's instant, right? Add more. Unless it gets that burny/bitter taste. But still a smile, a hug, a gentle pouring of the coffee down the drain and showing her how to do it all the while thanking her for caring enough to try would have been ok too.

The next time I saw her brewing up a pot - I'd rush in - give her a smile and hold my hand up as in, "hang on a second here!", and show her how to make it properly. Then hug and kiss her for her generosity of heart and home letting you stay there. Hugs and kisses cross all language barriers in my mind!

Personally, I would not have done what your DH did. But I think that depending on the family and the relationship it may be okay. It's possible that your MIL takes that sort of thing better coming from her son than she would if her DIL had done it. If I were you, I'd continue to behave as you have been doing and let your DH handle his own relationship with his mother.