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the works here are entirely FICTION and/or my own opinion and are written primarily for my own enjoyment. I hope you enjoy them as well, but if you don't, I won't be losing any sleep at night. Feel free to hit me up at loserdomi@gmail.com (or any post's comments sections) with suggestions, ideas, etc. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’s living room, where he, RICKARD WALLIN, and JEFF FINGER are sitting on a couch.)LEE STEMPNIAK: (to JEFF FINGER) So, uh, do those kind of pills actually work?JEFF FINGER: The most you get is, like, an eighth of an inch, if that. They’re mostly sugar and herbs that do who-knows-what to your system. And if there’s a drug test, do you really want to be the guy who tested positive for--RICKARD WALLIN: Hey, is that light over there supposed to be on?STEMPNIAK:…Oh, hi everyone! I’m hockey player Lee Stempniak and welcome to my show “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Today I’m joined by two of my friends and fellow hockey players Jeff Finger and Rickard Wallin.FINGER: I got a question—who writes in to ask Lee Stempniak for advice?STEMPNIAK: Hey, anytime I get to help people, it’s a good thing!WALLIN: Yeah! Like how he helped both of us out by giving us forty dollars!STEMPNIAK: OK, so, first question goes “Dears Lee Stempniak! I comes to Canada a few years ago from Czech Republic. I likes it here, is good place. But mine English is no good. I am nervous of talking to girls in bar and club. How can I talk to girls as good guy without good English? Signed, JT in Toronto.” Well, JT, if you’re patient and friendly, I’m sure that any woman worth her salt will be willing to see past your lack of English skills. They might even be willing to help you with it.FINGER: JT, You got nothing to worry about. Chicks LOVE foreign dudes. Trust me, they love the bad English. Even Grabovski is up to his neck in pussy. I think it’s the hair.STEMPNIAK: You cannot hope to tame the Minsk Mullet. You can only hope to keep up.WALLIN: Grabovski is only with so many girls because he goes to lesbian bars. He says “Rickard, these girls are so desperate for men they dance with each other!” I tell him, “No Grabbo, it doesn’t work like that.”STEMPNIAK: Umm…ok. Let’s move onto the next question. Angela in Steinbach writes, “What do hockey players do for fun? You can’t work out and practice all the time.” Well, as you can see, I have this show—WALLIN: That nobody watches!STEMPNIAK: My mom says she watches.FINGER: Yanno Stempy, I host my own show. I call it “Finger’s Freak show”STEMPNIAK: Really? What’s it about?FINGER: It’s a bit more of an …adult show. Smooth jazz, candles, Japanese rope tying—that kind of thing.STEMPNIAK: I never would have thought that you were a very kinky guy, Jeff.FINGER: The kind you don’t take home to mother. STEMPNIAK: Wow, Jeff…I uh, never would have guessed. Rickard, what do you do off the ice?WALLIN: As a part of my workout, I’m doing ninja training. Right now, I’m working on moving so people don’t see me.FINGER: You seem to be doing a good job of it. Sometimes, I forget you’re playing in the game. It’s like you’re invisible or something.STEMPNIAK: You’re actually really brave—becoming invisible is one of my biggest fears.WALLIN: O…kay. Can I do a question?STEMPNIAK: Sure, here—do this one.WALLIN: OK. Shaneequa who is straight outta Anaheim asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, besides teammates, who are your best friends?” My best friend is my mom.FINGER: Mine is my big pile of money.STEMPNIAK: Mine is Buttons!FINGER: Buttons? Like, buttons on clothes?STEMPNIAK: NO. Buttons, my cat! (takes out BUTTONS, a toy cat, from behind his couch)WALLIN: Was that…a real cat?STEMPNIAK: You can feel and see him, can’t you? How much more real can he get?FINGER: No, was that a real cat as in one that was running around and eating stuff?STEMPNIAK: No, but he’s a great buddy, even when he’s such a scamp.FINGER: Ok, now you’re creeping me out. And I’m into some freaky shit. I’m outta here. (Leaves)WALLIN: I don’t think you’re so freaky, Lee. With Buttons, you get all the cuddling of a cat, but you don’t have to worry about claws, or feeding him, or changing a litter box.STEMPNIAK: Plus, if I have people over who are allergic to cats, there’s no problem.WALLIN: Yeah, he seems like such a good buddy...(moves closer to STEMPNIAK) You know Lee, I’ve always wanted a good buddy like him. (they exchange smoldering looks)STEMPNIAK:…Okay…Now you’re kind of creeping me out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that kind of, uh, life style. It’s just that…well, I don’t…I mean…I’m not gay. I think. (sighs) Never mind.WALLIN: …(Looks at STEMPNIAK)STEMPNIAK:…(Looks at WALLIN)WALLIN:…STEMPNIAK: Awkwarrrrrrd.WALLIN: Yeah, I uh, I think I have a food in the oven.STEMPNIAK: Yeah, no problem. Uh…Take care!WALLIN: See you later! (leaves)STEMPNIAK: (sighs) well Buttons, I guess it’s just you, me, and Mr. Wong's eggrolls again tonight.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Today's theme is videos dedicated to Mike Van Ryn. As you may know, Mike Van Ryn has had some issues with injuries in the past, and I feel that since he's out for the season, I should do a tribute to him. It's like sending a bouquet of flowers, only these videos won't wither and die within a week.

Video one is the sing "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen. Mike seemed like the kind of man who wouldn't wait forever anyway.

Video two is Mike himself giving an interview about the 2008-2009 Leafs and he somehow avoids exploding. Good for him.

Video three: I was originally going to find the video for Blondie's "Heart of Glass", But I had some issues finding an original video that could be disabled. So I have here a fairy think dancing to it while you get to see the lyrics. Now, I admit, I don't think Van Ryn has a heart of glass, but his wrists and bones seem to be a mite on the fragile side.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I'd like to thank JaredOfLondon for being a most excellent writing partner. I'd like to think that this could be a pretty accurate look into a day in the life of Mike Van Ryn.It can be hard to find close friends when you play hockey—there’s always the risk of getting traded, clashing egos and such. But when you’re a hockey player like me, it can be even harder. You always feel like such an outsider because you spend so much time in surgeries and hospitals, so you totally miss out on team bonding stuff. Sometimes, it feels like the only friends I could have would be doctors and trainers. It’s a shame because, I figure, I’m a friendly guy. I can make friends with people.

One time after practice, I went to Lee Stempniak. I told him, “Lee, there’s this new sushi place I was lookin’ at. Wanna try it out with me?” Lee turned around and sighed, “Mike, I don’t think that such a good idea.” I asked him, “Why? Did you try it out and it’s a bad place or something?” He shook his head. “No, Mike, it’s just that you’re bleeding from your ears again.” I touched the side of my head and yes, I was bleeding from my ears. “Damn, I hate when that happens”, I said. “It does that in the spring when it’s going to rain.” Lee looked confused and said, “But Mike, it’s not spring, it’s actually October.” I asked, “Really? Maybe it’s from the October windstorms. So, you still wanna try that place out, maybe some other time?” Lee shook his head again, “Nothing against you Mike, but I just don’t like fish all that much. To be honest, fish creep me out a bit. But if you want to come by my place for some beer and Hot Pockets, I would love that.” That was kind of weird, so I asked with a laugh, “Well, if you don’t want to, that’s ok, but fish are creepy? What’d they do Stempy, kill your entire family?” Lee’s eyes got wetter, and he left the room without saying anything.

Mikhail Grabovski was next to him, trying to stab some sort of fruit he had. I wondered how he got the cooler of fruit and rather large knife into the room. I asked him if he wanted to try the place, and all he said was, "Mmmm! In Belarus, fruit makes YOU salad!" I told Grabbo that didn’t make any sense and he answered, “You must hunt the fruit, sneeks up on them an BAM! Now, free you are to feast on tasty fruit goo!” He then stabbed a watermelon, letting the juice ooze all over his fingers and onto the floor. I took a few seconds to let that sink in. Maybe asking Grabbo about anything was a bad idea. I told him “Grabbo, you are a wonderful man, but I just can't keep up with your high paced life style, all these knives and exploding citrus is extra dangerous for someone like me.” Grabbo then picked up a pineapple from a cooler and stabbed at that, slicing off the skin with a cold detachment that sent shivers down my spine. Suddenly, I felt a stinging in my eye. I screamed, “AHHHHHH!! PINAPPLE JUICE IN MY EYE! IT STINGS! IT STINGS! ...Maybe some other time, Grabbo?” Grabbo shrugged and said, “Wait, have cup of juice before you go!” He threw a cup of apple juice at me, breaking my nose. I cried , “You just broke my nose, Grabbo!” He answered, “Sorry Mikey! I's not used to hitting things, I miss most times.” “That’s ok, Mikhail, I’ll just go” I gasped. He smiled and said, “Okie dokie, hmmm no more fruits, to the market I go. Later ,Mr. broken Mikey!”

I caught my breath and found one of the trainers, Fred, alone in one of the recovery rooms. I yelled, “Hey! Fred the trainer guy! I got something to ask you!” He sighed, exasperated, and said, “Mike, I can't reattach the buttons on your jacket. I can't fix everything that's broken on you.” I shook my head. “Well actually, the only thing I’m looking to fix is my crushing loneliness. Everyone I know either runs away from me or hurts me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Fred smiled and said, “It’s ok Mike, you know I’m always here for you, usually with 10lbs of gauze and some blood plasma. Why don’t you tell me about it?” Out of habit, I hopped onto the examination table. I said, “Sometimes, Fred, I feel like I'm just hurting myself. I fell twice getting the mail today. Grabovski nearly killed me with a paper cup earlier.” Fred carefully patted me on my shoulder. “You just need some support, and not just crutches this time. You need a good friend, someone who you can talk to”, he suggested. I smiled a little. “Thanks Fred. You wanna talk some more, like, over a dinner or something? I know this new place that just opened up.” Fred nodded and added, “That sounds really good Mike. You want to ride in the wheel chair? Just for fun this time.” I said,“That’s awesome! It’s like it was meant to be, you know just where it hurts!” He smirked. “You mean everywhere?” “Exactly! And you can make it better! Wanna go for some sushi?”

Fred the trainer and I rode off into the sunset. He whispered, “Well, you do need protein to help your bones knit!” I was puzzled. “But my bones are fine right now, Fred." He grinned. "Give it a day or two, Mike.” I giggled, “Oh you.”

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, I guess everybody’s here for practice. Wait a minute….where’s Toskala?KomiKazi: I dunnoShakeNBlake: No clue. I wasn’t watching him.StajanNotCajun: Jonas, don’t goalies have some sorta mind connection, like twins?Monster’s_Ball:…Bork no.I_Ron_Butterfly: Everyone start looking for him! Alexei! Did you eat him? I know you Ukrainians like to eat.PoniRides4ABuck: No, CoachRonWilson! I don’t eat VesaToskala! Why are you blaming me?I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, Alexei, I just don’t like you.PoniRides4ABuck: But CoachRonWilson, that makes no sense!I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense, Alexei, just help up find Toskala.ShakeNBlake: I think I found him over here, Ron! I heard soft crying coming from this supply closet.I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa? Is that you? Come on out, Vesa!Tosking_Heads: No, The Vesa won’t come out. I’s a bad goalie. Laiike, is not fit to to be pro goalie for Maple Leafs. Wider five-hole than Komisarek’s mother.KomiKazi: Hey! You leave my mom outta this!I_Ron_Butterfly: OK, now everyone…if anyone makes a lame joke about Vesa being “trapped in the closet”…I’ll pull out my gun and cap a bitch.PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, we’re friends, right?Tosking_Heads: Laaaike, I guess so.PoniRides4ABuck: VesaToskala, you cannot give up! You know, CoachRonWilson HATES my guts, even though it makes no sense. But I don’t give up on trying to make friends with him. I still do media stuff, and keep Grabovski from killing people, and I still make him brownies. I don’t ever give up!I_Ron_Butterfly: Alexei, you’re clearly outmatched here, step off!PoniRides4ABuck: Yes, CoachRonWilson.StempOfApproval: Hey, Vesa, if you won’t come out of that closet…can I at least comein with you? You know, talk it out or something?Tosking_Heads:…OK.StempOfApproval: /enters closetKomiKazi: Who was that guy?ShakeNBlake: I dunno. Is he a janitor or something?***White_Lightning has entered the chat room!***White_Lightning: Hey guys, what’s up?StajanNotCajun: Vesa Toskala’s stuck in that closet, and now Lee Stempniak’s in there with him.White_Lightning: Vesa’s in the closet? I coulda told you that.PoniRides4ABuck: DON’T SHOOT HIM COACHRONWILSON! He does not know!ShakeNBlake: Hey Ron, what if you shot off the doorknob, like they do in movies?I_Ron_Butterfly: It’s worth a shot!StempOfApproval: Don’t shoot us, Coach!I_Ron_Butterfly: I wouldn’t do that! You guys wouldn’t free up that much cap space.I_Ron_Butterfly: /shoots door knob and through a series of chance and bizarre ricochets, it shoots VanRynDownByTheRiverVanRynDownByTheRiver: AHHHH! GAHHH! You shot me in the ass!I_Ron_Butterfly: VanRyn? Where the hell did you come from?VanRynDownByTheRiver: Who cares?! You just shot me in the bum!KomiKazi: Coach, I know you wanted us to get into truculence, but this is ridiculous.I_Ron_Butterfly: Christ, this team is a mess.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

(SCENE: LOSER DOMI enters a darkened room. As soon as she enters, ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS turn on the lights)ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS: SURPRISE! Happy Blogthday!LOSER DOMI: What the? Wait…I can’t believe you guys are having a party for the blog! Holy shit, this is so cool!JASON BLAKE: Well, it’s been two years of blogging, which is like five years doing something in real time.LD: But I would have thought that the Leafs would hate the blog. I mean, I make fun of you guys horribly. I’m not all that flattering to you.JOHN MITCHELL: Not everyone likes it, but all the cool guys like us here love it, D. Like, Whitey couldn’t be here, ‘cuz he and Stajan are helping Schenner take care of his 400 babies, but he told me to tell you he thinks your writing is some of the funniest shit online.BLAKE: Grabovski HATES it on account of how you make him talk so funny. He was all set to “kick dis Loser Domi’s ass” until I told him you were a girl and showed him your picture. He couldn’t believe they let girls on the internet to write about hockey. Now he just glares at the screen and grinds his teeth.MITCHELL: Stajan is really confused by it, cuz he likes how he’s “Stupid Sexy Stajan”, but he doesn’t like how you make him cry so much, or how he got tasered.LD: I guess that tasering was a bit much…TOMAS KABERLE: I am not a Mexican! But I do like tacos… Happy Blogthday anyway!LD: No, you’re a Czechican, there’s a difference. But thank you so much for the sombrero and the greatest hits of Queen!KABERLE: All three volumes! (LEE STEMPNIAK enters)LEE STEMPNIAK: Sorry I’m late, everybody. Happy Blogday, LD!LD: Lee Stempniak? YOU’RE a fan?STEMPNIAK: Of course I’m a fan! You gave me my own show! Nobody’s ever noticed me that much before. (LD Opens STEMPNIAK’s gift)LD: A Leafs jersey, cool! Thanks! (Turns it over) …With your name on it?STEMPNIAK: Well, I figured, you’re a Leafs fan, and I happen to be a Leafs player...you know, on the hockey team…LD: Oh cool, you even got it small enough so I can wear it as a shirt and not as a tent. How nice!MITCHELL: Well, my wife and I weren’t sure what the “Traditional” second anniversary gift is. We know first is paper and tenth is tin or something like that, but we didn’t know about second year so….I just got you two pounds of bacon and a Leafs hat.BLAKE: Really? Because I got her 2 pounds of bacon and a Leafs hoodie. Awkward…LD: Don’t worry! You guys know how much I love bacon and free Leafs gear! You’re both so generous. Thank you so much!NIK HAGMAN: I wishing you Happy Blogoluxe Day!LD: Nik Hagman? But I never write about you.HAGMAN: I still like reading it, for how you make Grabovski talk funny and how you make fun of Vesa’s manpurse. (LD open’s HAGMAN’s gift)LD: It’s…a very nice picture of your smoking hot wife. And it’s signed… “Have a good time! Nik Hagman!” Nik, are you asking me…to be in a threesome?HAGMAN: OHO! Look at the times! I have a…food…in the oven, I must be leaving! (HAGMAN leaves and DELIVERY GUY enters)DELIVERY GUY: Flowers here for a Ms. Loser Domi. Huh, kind of an odd name. Is that Dutch or something?LD: That’s me. (Reads card with the flowers) “Dear LD, I was going to come to your party, but on my way I got struck by two different bolts of lightning, and then run over by a bus. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Keep on blogging! Hugs and kisses, Mike Van Ryn.” Aww, how sweet! (MIKE KOMISAREK enters)MIKE KOMISAREK: OK, I gotta make this quick ‘cuz I somehow got roped into 400 Schenn baby duties with White and Stajan. Anyway, I was gonna hire a stripper for LD, but then I thought “I don’t want to go shopping for dude strippers, but I don’t know if LD is a lesbo or bi or whatever, and I don’t want to make any assumptions and stuff.” So, I hired both Taffy and Jiri Tlusty. Now I gotta go…grab some smokes. Yeah, I’m just grabbing smokes, in case anyone asks. (KOMISAREK leaves and TAFFY, a female stripper in a “Slutty cop” costume, and JIRI TLUSTY, who is dressed similar to TAFFY, enter.)TAFFY: Hey there, we got a noise complaint!KABERLE: Oh, Officer StripperLady, were we making too much noise?TAFFY (Whispered to JIRI TLUSTY): Your turn!JIRI TLUSTY: OH nos, youse not making enough noise!LD: Look, I know what Komi promised, but you guys don’t have to strip. You can just chill and have a beer and stuff. We can even pay you as if you stripped—it’d be like getting paid to do nothing.TAFFY: But I’m a stripper! Strippering is what I do!LD: We could just do Twister, then. If you like, it can be “Clothing optional”, with the clothing option being heavily encouraged. (LD’s phone rings and it’s LUKE SCHENN)LUKE SCHENN: Hey, LD! First off, Happy Blogiversary!LD: Thanks Luke! How are the babies?SCHENN: The babies are great, but have you seen Komisarek anywhere?LD: He was here for a short time, but left, saying he needed to get cigarettes.SCHENN: Yeah, he told us he was “just getting smokes”...THREE HOURS AGO!LD: Gah, what a bum!SCHENN: What a bastard! What a deadbeat! I’m gonna kick his ass later! (Hangs up)LD: Now THERE’s a blogthday present!(The partygoers proceed to drink a lot of booze and play multiple rousing rounds of drunken Twister, and everyone has a great time.)THE END

Friday, October 2, 2009

The real season started last night, even though I missed it. You know what that means? It means the triumphant return of two of my most favourite features--youtube Yoinkage, and LOLeafs. The LOLs will come later this weekend or maybe Monday, but the Yoinkage begins NOW. No real theme here this time.

I have to thank Karl Monkland for forwarding the following clip to me a few weeks ago. Here's Ian White, Porn Star:

clip two: Wendel Clark here to tell you "Be Nice, Clear your ice." People who don't get their blood punched out

clip three: In honour of Mats Sundin retiring, here is one of my favourtie clips of him. It's a McDonald's commercail where he does goals against Wayne "Mr. Fancy Stick" Gretzky. Cheers to you, Mats.