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Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Apologies for the long delay between posts. There have been many times over the past 6 months that I have wanted to write and update this journal, but the actual words would not come. To say I have been to hell and back is an understatement.
The Zoladex failed me miserably, and until February I was in a black black place. The urge to take my own life, the panic, the depression was all too much. My doctor, psychiatrist, and gynaecologist all wanted me off the Zoladex, and my psych put me on Lithium. It took a while for the Zoladex to wear off and longer for my cycle to resume. I asked if I could try a different injection. Decapeptyl has a much lower chance of triggering psychiatric problems, but my gynaecologist refused.

The lithium zapped every ounce of energy, and I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I was feeling the SAD waning, but the lithium kept me in a lethargic state. Everything became too much as it was so hard to even move. My body felt like lead. The mood swings were still there, but I seemed to get even less up time than before. In April I started coming off the lithium and have tried some homeopathic remedies prescribed by my doctor.

I stopped the lithium completely by the end of May, and I feel much more in control. I have my energy back, which still isnt great, but I can just about get done what I need to get done. I am trying to re-focus my life and find a way to bring in a source of income in the future. My kids are both at school, and I have to find something to do during the day. Too much time to think and wind myself up is a nightmare, but too much to do and I end up exhausted.

I qualified as an Aromatherapist 10 years ago, but stopped practicing professionally about 7 years ago. Oils have never left my life and I continued using aromatherapy with my family and friends. In that time I've moved several times and have had another child. Now I am getting more of my time back, I am looking into starting up my Aromatherapy practice again.

I am happy to be drug free, I am happy to be able to keep a reasonable perspective on things, and I am happy for the chance to monitor my natural cycle and find things that work. Some days things are good, some days everything is too much, but I've given up on finding something to 'cure' me, I just want to find a way of life that fits with me instead.

For me, I have tried and tried the medication route, to no avail. If the Zoladex is anything to go by, having a hysterectomy wont help either, so as with eveything in my life, I have to do it a different way...