Boost Desire

How to Boost Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Your libido has its moments—here's how to amp it up no matter how long you've been together.

How to Boost Desire in a Long-Term RelationshipYour libido has its moments—here's how to amp it up no matter how long you've been together.

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When you've been with the same partner for a long time, there will inevitably be times when you want to climb them like a tree and times that you just don't. It's totally normal.

That said, mismatched libidos can sometimes become a bigger problem and lead to stress in a relationship—not to mention a lack of satisfaction. So researchers aimed to find out what strategies women were using to manage sexual desire differences in their bond and if any of them were particularly useful.

The study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, surveyed 179 women who had been in a relationship with a male partner for at least five years. When asked about self-reported desire, 43.9 percent of women said it was moderate, while 36.6 percent said there was little to none, and just 19.5 percent reported high or very high desire.

So when their libido was super-low, what did they do to get their sex lives back on track? Most women reported amping up communication (in and out of the bedroom), while others reported scheduling sex, buying sexy lingerie or toys, and just having sex anyway in the hopes of becoming aroused. When asked how effective these strategies were, most women found their tricks to be at least somewhat helpful, while others reported that it was helpful for a while but not forever.

Essentially, these findings explain why we haven’t been able to find a one-size-fits-all cure for low desire or even a female Viagra. "Sexual desire is complex," says lead study author Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., sex researcher at Indiana University. "It can changed based on how women and men feel about their bodies, how they're getting along, family issues, whether they're getting good quality sleep or not, eating, exercise, and so on. There is unlikely to be one surefire 'fix' for sexual desire differences, so partners need to talk with each other about it and try what feels right for them."

That might be incorporating new sex toys or positions into their repertoire, scheduling sex or date nights, or talking about fantasies with each other. But Herbenick’s biggest piece of advice may surprise you: Realize that differences in desire happen naturally in relationships and it's not necessarily a problem; in many cases, they’ll peak again soon. "It’s something we need to recognize as part of most long-term relationships and not blame each other or feel awful about, as that only exacerbates negative feelings."