Today I can feel it coming for me. And that’s hard to feel in the daylight, as a mother.

Maybe I should keep my struggles private, and in a way I do. Not too many people that have met me face to face know anything much about this real life of mine. And sometimes I get frustrated by it. But I protect this private life so that it stays that way. There is safety in nobody knowing, and yet…being so exposed.

My little girl is especially lovely today. And I mean that. She’s all smiles today. I love that little bugger so much. I don’t know why she got stuck with me for a mom. I really don’t know. She got me and she didn’t ask for it. But she got me for a mom. A mom that is fighting off demons day and night.

Maybe they are real demons and maybe they aren’t. Maybe it’s just me and I’m evil like I was told so many times while I was growing up. It seems like I just can’t get that out of my head. I feel ravaged. I feel like I am waking up and I’m dying. I was asleep all this time and now I wake up to not being able to move.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t started this journey of coming to life. I don’t know yet if when I finally am able to take my last breath if I will hold that regret.

I think you get to both choose and not choose your life. My mind is always seeing the same thing in so many different ways. I see things every which way. Maybe that is why my thoughts never rest. Maybe that’s why I feel the weight of regret. Because one part of me wants something to be one way and another totally doesn’t. One part of me wants to have a relationship with my mother, another doesn’t. And the deepness of the back-and-forth on subjects carries all the way down to life and death.

I probably can’t really explain the horror of how it feels to want to live so much, but be driving down the road fighting to not end it all. Sometimes I actually feel it coming and getting closer to me. Today actually, I felt it. In some ways I can see it happening as a movie. I sometimes have no idea of what the outcome is going to be. I’d make a great movie. Unfortunately, this is my every day.

I have good days. Those do happen. The days where things are fairly consistent.

But those are the good days. And when there are good days…they are called good days…because of the bad days. And those days are a lot more normal.

I will be 32 next month. The physical part of my life has nearly ended. I can manage to do yoga most of the time, but I don’t know how long that is going to hold up. Most of the time I can’t walk, but I’m still expected to. I’m still expected to do all the things that people with no problem walking do. But I’m in pain most of the time. Except for the good days, and I already explained about those. I’m not paralyzed. But I am paralyzed and it’s basically invisible. Except for here…here. Here. Here. And I don’t know where “here” is.

And there is therapy. I’m not really invisible there, I guess, right now. But even there, or maybe especially there, I have to compete with all the parts of myself that want their part of the story told. – I – actually get very little air time. And when I do I feel I’ve wasted it. Because what is there I can say? It’s the same damn thing every day. Isn’t that kind of ironic, I mean, considering the lack of consistency in my life?

I guess there’s a lot going on in my life that I haven’t shared here. And there’s actually a lot I haven’t even shared in therapy yet. And I don’t know if I’ll ever really get the chance. I want to live so much and I want this all to be over. It was all supposed to be over by now. I went to sleep sometime a long time ago and when I woke up it was supposed to be better.

If this is what better is then it sucks and I’m highly disappointed.

I know there’s a million and one things going on in the world, but sometimes it’s a small world. Sometimes our wars are closely fought. The largest battles in the world are within all the earth’s inhabitants. So this is just my war and here I am on broadcast 101.

I am not sure when -or how- this madness is going to end. If I could have one whole day of peace I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know how to handle it, so maybe that’s why it hasn’t really happened yet.

I just want to have the freedom to believe…something. Anything. I guess that since I was born into the Jehovah’s Witnesses and made the mistake of marrying and having a child with a Jehovah’s Witness I’m forever bound to this cult. It’s a cult and part of why I say it is a cult is because I can’t get free from it. It won’t leave me alone. I can’t ever get free. Not even when I leave.

Not only has it twisted the wires inside me, but in my oldest (13 years old now) daughter, as well. I’m literally left speechless. I can’t even explain or describe what it is like right now. I just can’t even describe.

Does God know (God are you out there?) that I just want to belong to him/it/the light…whatever? I start to wonder if this is why I can’t get free. Is it because I want it so much that I can’t have this peace? I hate when I start wanting the freedom and connection so much because it just makes the life around me worse.

I get really sad, like deep hurt inside sad when I look around and see that other people (in the United States at least) are allowed to choose their religion and practice spirituality in their own way. I have never been able to. I suppose I would only be allowed to now if I decided I wanted to be a Jehovah’s Witness. I can either be a Jehovah’s Witness or I can become a Jehovah’s Witness to have peace in my “here and now” life.

I keep trying to find where I belong, I keep trying to find my way…but I can’t ever get the space to be free enough to get anywhere. I can’t explore, I can’t sit in another space apart from the JW’s enough, whether it is because of the condemnation from my young teen daughter, or from the madness that erupts inside my brain when I attempt to subscribe to another belief system.

The only place it’s allowable to exist is -Nowhere. It’s JW or die. Or else live in a constant state of battle. This happens, you know, and there’s no back up. There is a war happening here in my middle class, middle America home….and it’s me and this system that stabs my being over and over. I try to go around with a smile on my face. I try to find a place to ask for help…but it’s really hard. And I’m trying to find my way.

It’s not as simple as standing up in a church and accepting Jesus or whatever the equivalent is for some other religion for that matter. It’s just not. that. simple.

I wonder when I’ll just be able to live. I wonder when I won’t have to fight for every breath I have. Maybe I just need to accept this is my life and the conditions its under is just the way it is now and forever. Maybe then I would have peace. If I just accepted that my daughter who I have loved, protected and cared for would view and treat me as evil because I choose to not be a Jehovah’s Witness.

I think about all the shit I see some parents do, the abuse I lived through in my upbringing. I think about who I’ve been for my daughter for the most part, as a whole…and it’s just really hard to live with her putrid hate for me just because I’m not the religion that her dad has warped into her. I don’t ever say she can’t believe what he tells her. But I’m not even allowed to believe for my self. I’m just not allowed to even sit down at the dinner table at my house and say a simple prayer without it leading to an uproar in my daughter. Because a prayer was spoken. Simply because we said grace- A moment of thanks, a prayer for peace….not to be had. Not for me.

How could I ever even explain this madness to the world? It is so far beyond my understanding.

I guess tonight I am being sentenced to exile from my daughter and possibility of peace is forfeited in my house because I am guilty of committing felony grace.

This is every day of my life.

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