15,000 Troops perish after Ohio woman fails to share Facebook prayer

WASHINGTON — The US military suffered the single worst day loss since the Battle of Antietam yesterday, after a woman scanning Facebook over her morning latte ignored a prayer chain for deployed service members that resulted in instant death for over 15,000 military personnel.

Word broke late last night, and the Pentagon confirmed that Maureen Lieberman’s decision to scan past the prayer request while catching up on her news feed had caused the violent combustion of every armed forces member within a 200-mile radius of northeastern Ohio.

“What we know right now is that an American woman in Ohio decided that Coin Master and Disney princess cat videos were more important than keeping our brave fighting men and women alive,” said Dana White, a Pentagon spokeswoman. “It was an unimaginable tragedy that could have been avoided if she simply grasped the critical importance of Facebook nonsense.”

Several GoFundMe pages have been set up by family and friends of the deceased, with amounts already nearing $10,000. A similar page for Ms. Liebermann established by the Elks Club of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio has seen funds soar well past the $80,000 mark.

“I hope it’s not too late to fix this, you know?” Lieberman said. “I usually forward those on, with an angel emoji and those little prayer hands, but I get so distracted when I happen upon videos of kittens licking each other. Is there somewhere I can send the boys some casserole for the mix up?”

She-Ra and As For Class contributed reporting.

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Once a master of the tow bar, snatch block, and police call, Marine veteran Calin now seeks enlightenment from the fruits of world news, infinite coffee flow, and his insubordinate children. Don't you ever come in here empty handed again, you gotta pay for the pleasure of his company.