How to tell my step-sons about pregnancy...

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married at the end of last year. I am currently 10wks pregnant and this is the happiest news for us both.

There is a 25yr age gap between us and his kids from previous marriage are 18 and 25, both boys. I have a good relationship with them. I have no relationship with their mother but my husband has a very fraught relationship with his ex-wife. She has made it clear from day one if he was to go on to have children with me that it would ruin his relationship with his kids. She is very driven by money and often tries to guilt trip him even though he is an incredibly generous, involved and giving parent to his kids.

We plan to tell them after my dating scan on 17th April.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Whether in my shoes or that of the ex...or does anyone have some tips or advice in general?

I’m not in that situation but I would definitely leave it up to your husband to tell them. I think you should stay neutral and happy and not be involved in telling them or involved in any drama after they find out.

He doesn’t owe it to his ex to tell her, so he should just tell the kids, deal with supporting them, and ignore any fall out from the ex.

Thanks for the advice. It’s definitely the plan for him to tell them and like you say, me just stay neutral. Hope it goes well, if it doesn’t my husband will be devastated especially if their upset is because of greed. Here’s hoping!

As a “first child” whose parents both went on to have second families, it sucks sometimes to feel replaced and not good enough. I can’t imagine divorcing my husband and choosing to have more kids when my kids are grown. That part of my life would definitely be complete and I wouldn’t be looking for a do over. Hopefully they won’t feel that way but it’s not uncommon.

Thank you so much for your input. I can imagine how difficult that must have been. My husband and his ex had a miserable, unloving just ‘doing it for the kids’ relationship for years and eventually they both decided enough was enough. I know others in second marriages who would not have more children, but it was different for us and felt right. I want to make sure his kids feel important and involved...hopefully as they are a little older they will be quite intrigued at the thought of a little brother or sister. Just hoping for the best, hoping we can handle this in the best way for them.

Sounds like there may have been some underlying issues that weren’t addressed as a child. Kids should feel loved from their parents even after a divorce. Sorry your parents didn’t provide you with that after divorcing. As a child of divorced parents and having a half sibling, I always felt loved from my parents. Not everyone will have a horrible experience. Your comment was very negative. That’s not everyone’s story.

your story is also not everyone’s story. I know a lot of “first children” and they’ve all shared similar thoughts. My parents both love me and I seem to be each of their favorite kids, probably because the younger ones are teens now, but that doesn’t change the experience.

My ex went on to have two more kids and it didn’t bother us not one bit. My son loves that he has little brothers. He has siblings from both sides now, mine and his fathers. I don’t see why it would ruin his relationship with his kids. Your husband is in a new relationship, why shouldn’t he have kids in this one? And his kids are grown. I guess I could imagine if they were younger maybe they’d feel like daddy forgot about them and made a new family but that doesn’t seem like the case. His kids are adults now, is it really gonna “ruin” anything? I’m sure it has to be expected that his new wife may want kids of her own. I’d never tell my ex he can’t have anymore children because it would affect our child together. My son loves all his siblings. He loves being the big brother.

I think if you have a good relationship with the kids, go ahead and tell them together and see how it goes.

I would leave it to your husband to tell them. I have been in a similar situation. When I was dating my now husband, he did not have a good relationship with his ex and was trying to get joint custody. His daughter was 2 when I got pregnant. I’m sure he was the one who told her when it was close to my due date, and she was close to 3 at that time. I just didn’t feel it was my place to tell her. Was she excited about it? Probably not. But honestly, I feel like any young child would feel uncertain about a new baby in the house. My son and step daughter play together now, along with the occasional sibling quarrels. His children are adults so hopefully they handle it in a mature way. And I wouldn’t worry too much about his ex. My husband’s ex asked for more child support as soon as we got married. She got awarded a few dollars more to shut her up. Legally, your husband’s ex can’t do anything. Don’t stress it and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for having a child with someone who has children from a previous relationship 🙂

Why would having another child ruin their relationship w/ their father? I mean come on they are of age. I can understand if they were still minors, I can see a little bit of jealousy & less time spent with them w/ a new addition... but now? I doubt it.

His kids are grown. Why on earth are you worried about the ex? She legally can’t do anything even if it does piss her off. If she decides to start drama with her GROWN children that is her problem. If they allow their mother to cause drama between them & their father as adults, that’s on them as well. Don’t worry about things that are so far out of your control. She may be mad but what can she really do?

I feel like your response to laggflower was VERY insensitive. Novacrystal asked for info from anyone that’s been in a similar situation. Sugar coating everything isn’t always the best advice.

Laggflower - I definitely understand your take on it as my experience was similar.

Novacrystal - you never know how someone is going to react. I was 21 when my dad had his 3rd child with my step mom and I was angry with him. He knew it as I didn’t hold back, but I got out what I needed to and we moved on. I love my siblings (especially the youngest), but until you see how they will react you never know. It seems to me like the ex will be more of the one with the problem, but there’s no need to worry about her. Praying for a good outcome for all.

Well I certainly did not mean to come off as insensitive. Having additional children with a new spouse is not always a sign of someone wanting a “do over” as a parent. It actually simply could mean that person wants to share a child with their spouse out of love. Divorce is a horrible experience especially with children involved. As a kid it was hard seeing my parents live separate lives at first. However, as an adult close to both of my parents I now see how incompatible they were as a couple. I used their experience as a lesson for myself on what not to do. Wishing love and happiness to everyone!

I can understand them being upset when they were much younger, but they are now grown adults. If you have a good relationship with them I bet they will be over the moon. the ex wife should have nothing to do with it now they can fend for themselves