How Can I Learn To Trust Again When This Sh*t Happens?

Last week I wrote about my poor choices when choosing men. I even followed up the piece with a text conversation with BFF. I lived out that week hopeful with my new plan to maybe give a chance to someone who has stuck around for a number of years and expressed interest. I continued with my healthy rowing and Fitbit use and monitored my steps and activities.

Emotionally, it was a great week. While on that emotional “high” I made some other plans and I felt really good.

Odd, though, in spite of the agreement to meet up with this gentleman, previously named Ben, I had not heard from him since the start of the week.

No worries. Why would he forget about me after 8 years of trying to connect?

I got my hair done with a nice Brazilian Blowout to tame the summer frizzies. I had been attempting not to get emotionally excited about the prospect of being taken out for a margarita.

Then, it happens. This appears in my FaceBook feed.

What the Actual F*ck just happened?

My brain went into overdrive. What happened to honesty. He was just calling me Sexy, and asking me to go out with him, and calling me Sunshine, and making me feel hopeful and alive again. What in the world? Was there some service where I could shop, and pay for the “premium man”? I would willingly pay for a service that allows me to find a man who DOESN’T LIE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP.

It’s not that I care about him. I like him; I have known him for a number of years. He has been running in the background like a phone app that I forget to close. He periodically appears to check on me, and ask me if I am still married or involved. There is something that really does bother me. Where is the honesty. Is it me? Again, I find myself asking if I am being unreasonable.

Don’t be reactive; I tell myself. I spent my divorce learning to curb that natural instinct of mine. Take the time to think. F. that. I write “Congrats” under the post and immediately “unfriend him” on Facebook. Take That you stinkin’ liar!!! Boy, did I feel powerful, then sad. I also did not feel done.

So, I sent a text to complete my feelings. When I have something to say, I want to say it.

The exchange went something like this:

Me: Congrats on your new arrangement. Please don’t contact me again. I cannot believe that you wanted to cheat with me when you are just starting a new beginning in your existing relationship.

Ben: WTF are you talking about. I am at my son’s college graduation.

Me: Your FB status

<PAUSE>

Ben: One of my friends must be playing a joke on me. I am not gay, and I am not in a domestic partnership.

Me: ( feeling a but stupid and unsure ) Well, you don’t need to be gay to be in a domestic partnership. I am sorry I interrupted family time. Enjoy the graduation. But, honestly, can you blame me? It was a reasonable mistake. I do hope you forgive me.

Ben: Sure.

Hours passed, and I was angry at myself for being reactive, and vowing to stay off social media for the rest of my life. I believed what he said. His last post on Facebook was somewhere in the year 2012. He wasn’t one to post his latest vacation pics or photos of his kids. But his last word “Sure” was somewhat disappointing.

As I sat watching a movie with my kids last night, a text appeared.

“How was your day What’s up “

I smiled inside, but decided to leave it until morning. Somehow, I am embarrassed that I showed that side of myself. Does it mean that I am not ready? Will I ever trust again?

Will I ever be able to run from myself and my memories or am I forever to be the scarred and changed version of myself?