They say it's a long time between drinks. That being the case it's an even longer time between sips from Matty the Damned's infamous Mucky Bucket O' Net NastiesTM. My previous incarnation 'xdenizen' made these salty offerings well known in the old forums and I have to say that I feel it necessary to honour the memory of that soft-hearted old do-gooder by continuing the tradition.

For those of you who have had your heads dunked in the Mucky Bucket on previous occasions, this will come as no surprise. For newer members, I hope you brought change of underwear.

Let us begin by considering a practice that is no doubt close to the hearts (so to speak) of many AIDSMEDS Forums Community members. These days appearance is everything, but a pretty face is not nearly enough. Rather the respectable pervert needs to know how to keep his winkie it's whitest.

What a censored world we live in! Google has safesearch, Yahoo! edits it's personals section for "inappropriate material", pornographic websites are required by the US government to certify that the brain dead twinks who slut about on their pages are over 18. You can't even see Janet Jackson's cosmetically enhanced tit on prime time TV without the Religious Right cracking an outraged hard on. What is a dedicated pervert to do? Rest easy, oh registered sex offenders of AIDSMEDS for Matty the Damned presents the Search Engine for the Rest of Us. Surf if you dare!

Now it is well known that I am not a cat lover. I stand accused of outrageous prejudice towards the feline species. Nevertheless, many of my nearest and dearest are kitty fans. Little Squeakie-Boi with his animal rights thread made me re-consider my views on this matter. Not only that I remember the distress that my beloved elder sister felt when her adored cat Bam-Bam passed away last year. I now know better, and hope to assist those who have lost their dear pussies in creating a lasting memorial. If I've ever said anything to you about cats that was offensive, I apologise. Please accept this as a token of my contrition.

Like many people my age, I grew up on a rich diet of the works of Roald Dahl. Which would explain a bit. Nevertheless, I always felt that there was a dark vein of depravity running through his classic, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. As usual I was right.

A considerable minority of AIDSMEDS members have children. This, they tell me, is admirable. I'll take their word for it. I'm not much of a child person, but I fancy that the parents who belong to our motley crew have better taste than these people when it comes to naming their crotch-trophies. Honestly if I was that kid, I'd have prayed for abortion.

I don't want to be insensitive, but let's face it; most of us here at AIDSMEDS are going to die sooner than we hoped. Pat Robertson's God is an AWESOME God afterall! I think it's got something to do with that whole HIV thing. Fortunately there's no need to stress about how your dearly beloved will cope when you've gone to the Great Big ASO in the Sky. Now they can send you an Afterlife Telegram! And you thought death would get you away from the miserable arseholes!

And finally, oh shell shocked brothers and sisters, something from my own private collection. A special selection for those of you from the Deep South of the USA, New Zealand and Canada. I give you Matty the Damned's famous opinion on heterosexual sex. You know it makes sense.