“Before I came here, I had never seen a postman kneel on my doorstep and kiss my feet.”

Miroslav Klose literally brought the Italian postal service to its knees

“I always expect more from people and that includes myself. When we reach 100 per cent, I’ll ask for 110 per cent the day after.”

After 38 games, that means Lazio Coach Vladimir Petkovic would eventually demand 470 per cent from his players

“I’ve no idea how Joe Hart will prepare for penalties.”

The answer, Gigi Buffon, is by pulling a face

“Wayne Rooney was kept quiet by us, but also by England’s tactics.”

Bonucci found it difficult to mark a man in the centre-circle

“Do I regret the decision to fire Stefano Pioli? I am eating my second testicle. I already ate the first.”

Zamparini is talking balls – not for the first time, it has to be said

“I tried everything in order for us not to wear our black kit against Arsenal. But the only alternative was to play nude.”

At least Galliani would’ve seen some Milan tackles at the Emirates...

“When a season goes this badly, there is a bit of everything in the soup of causes.”

Ranieri: Life’s a bisque

“I have to be honest, it was all moving so quickly that I didn’t realise the ball had crossed the line. Mind you, even if I had realised, I certainly wouldn’t have told the referee!”

Buffon says what we’re all thinking and probably shouldn’t actually say out loud

“Massimo Cellino has fun getting on people’s nerves. He’s beyond a joke. One time Cellino sent a letter accusing me of having eaten a 4kg fish. I swear this is true.”

Did Nedo Sonetti take the bait?

“Gay players shouldn’t come out. In stadiums there is so much ignorance on the theme of diversity. You just have to look at how foreign players are treated, so imagine how a player would be insulted if he declared himself gay, not to mention the media pressure on the team and the club.”

Antonio Cabrini suggests ending racism in football would be easy if players just kept their blackness private

“To recover quickly from one match to the next you have to immerse yourself in ice. It really helps.”

Javier Zanetti has been gradually cryogenically freezing himself

“It is my great pleasure to offer you my congratulations on your 28th title as champions of Italy. Last Sunday, after a great performance, the Juventus team won their 28th Scudetto. After nine years Juve have once again won the League.”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter might be trying to say something about Calciopoli here. Difficult to tell with such a subtle message...

“Juve keep talking about what happened on the pitch, on the pitch, on the pitch – well, Inter beat them on the pitch.”

Andrea Stramaccioni adds: ‘Put that motto on your shirts’

“I did 72 push-ups this morning and I feel like a 35-year-old.”

Doesn’t Silvio Berlusconi usually prefer them younger than that?

“If a teammate sold a game then I wouldn’t make the authorities aware of it. That’s because what happens in the changing rooms should stay there. I wouldn’t turn my back either, as I’d quietly beat the hell out of him.”

Pablo Daniel Osvaldo suggests a new initiative to fight match-fixing – less bans, more bruises

“Me and Yuto Nagatomo are friends because we don’t understand anything when we talk to each other. What do we talk about? Everything, food, women. From morning to night we tell each other a thousand times what great friends we are, because we don’t have any alternatives…”

Cassano’s career might’ve been far more successful if he had been incomprehensible to everyone

“In Palermo, landlords ask for six months' payment in advance from the Coaches. Because they all know the way Zamparini works.”

Sannino should’ve forged his CV with a more stable profession, like travelling circus performer