Big cities benefit from their night bus system. In theory, anyway. Having a bus taking you home after a night is a nice idea for the money-conscious commuter. The reality, however, is not half as comfortable as one would imagine. The first problem is to actually get on the bus, which is much more difficult than you would think. The bus WILL be bout half an hour late and then you WILL find yourself badly squashed in between members of a hen party and the odd dumb-drunk representative of the male species. Nice, isn't it? Now add a raging driver who's about to lose his sanity ('I said you can't stand upstairs! Get the fuck off MY bus!') and a large group of tourists frantically mulling over their A to Zs.

So, there you are: someone is standing on your foot, your mate feels violently sick, you wonder where that packet of crisps went and realise that you do need the toilet after all. And then disaster strikes. Someone runs up the stairs, looks around, eyes wide open and empties the contents of their stomach onto your shoes. Yum. Hey look, it's a kebap. Or, it WAS a kebap, before it got digested and reproduced on the aisle of the N159. And out of dozens of late night commuters you're the one on whose foot the culprit had to land. Talk about feeling special. Better still, sod's law has it that everyone on the bloody bus is now looking at you, with an eclectic mix of disgust and amusement on their faces. Needless to say that you still have another 40 minutes to go until you get home. In the meantime, the puddle of sick expands down the aisle, just to make sure you won't be able to get off the bus without further damage to your footwear. When I rule the world, I'll have my own limo!