FIVER JOINS EVERYONE ELSE IN BREAKING SURPRISE NEWS OF LOUIS VAN GAAL’S APPOINTMENT AT MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE THIRD TIME IN A FORTNIGHT

With yesterday’s surprise news that Louis van Gaal has been appointed manager of Manchester United having broken far too late in the day for the Fiver to provide a measured and considered reaction, we return to the story this afternoon in order to bring you the obligatory mentions of the time he hauled Luca Toni out of a chair because he wasn’t sitting up straight at a team meal, the time he dropped his trousers in front of a group of Bayern Munich players and the time he lost it with a Dutch journalist in pidgin Spanish at a press conference. Once Holland have concluded their World Cup campaign, their soon-to-be-former gaffer will be setting up shop in Manchester, where it is hoped, in the interest of future editions of the Fiver, he will set about providing us with no end of new and amusing anecdotes involving volcanic temper tantrums, cowering hacks and traumatised footballers.

“In Louis van Gaal, we have secured the services of one of the outstanding managers in the game today,” said Manchester United suit Edward Woodward of the Dutchman who has won just three shiny pots in the past 15 years. In other surprise news, it has emerged that Van Gaal will be assisted by Ryan Giggs who announced his retirement as a player in an open letter on Manchester United’s website yesterday, but has yet to confirm if he’ll be keeping up the yoga to which he attributed his longevity as a player.

“It was always a wish for me to work in the Premier League,” said Van Gaal to a Dutch TV presenter who was sitting bolt upright. “To work as a manager for Manchester United, the biggest club in the world, makes me very proud. This club has big ambitions; I too have big ambitions. Together I’m sure we will make history.” But like a grand, the kind of history Manchester United and their new manager want to make don’t come for free, and it has emerged that Van Gaal will be given a £150m war-chest to fund a summer recruitment drive for targets that include lots of players currently playing in the Bundesliga and Southampton’s Luke Shaw. Whether or not they’ll be running around cones put out by Nicky Butt, Paul Scholes and Phil Neville at training remains to be seen, as the trio of coaches have not yet been told if they’ll be part of Van Gaal’s staff.

“He is a great football manager and I am happy he joins me in the same country and the Premier League,” said Chelsea manager José Mourinho of Van Gaal, who appointed the Special One as his assistant at Barcelona. “But more important than that, he’s a great guy, a great man, and I wish him well.” As does the Fiver, who suspects that, successful or not, the volatile Dutchman could prove the source of much entertaining football and – more importantly – material for everyone’s favourite tea-timely football email to render resolutely unfunny in the seasons ahead.

FREE-FORM CORPORATE JAZZ OF THE DAY

QUOTE OF THE DAY, STARRING YAYA TOURÉ

12.55pm: “None of them shook his hand on his birthday. It’s really sick. He got a cake but when it was Roberto Carlos’s birthday, the president of Anzhi gave him a Bugatti … the club’s owners ate a 100kg cake after winning the Premier League this season but when they and the players were all together, none of them shook his hand on his birthday. It shows they don’t care about him. Of course Yaya is upset about this. It is his birthday and nobody said anything or shook his hand, so he does not feel comfortable” – Yaya Touré’s Mr 15% Dimitri Seluk, who has form when it comes to feeling put out on behalf of his client – who trousers £220,000 a week – says the midfielder might do one because he didn’t get enough love on his 31st birthday.

2pm: “Thanks for all the birthday messages today. Card from City just arrived … Must have got lost in the post. Haha. Jokes aside. Please do not take words that do not come out of MY mouth seriously. Judge my commitment to @MCFC by my performances” – Touré suggests he might be having words with his Mr 15%.

2.46pm: “My agent was trying to make a point here on my behalf, joke aside. It seems important for me to make a statement … I am going to do so” – hmm …

2.59pm: “Everything Dimitry said is true. He speaks for me. I will give an interview after World Cup to explain” – ah.

FIVER LETTERS

“I’ve been reading that Yaya Touré is apparently upset that the owners of his club didn’t shake his hand on his 31st birthday, poor lamb. Having suffered a similar fate on an unremarkable birthday, I am full of sympathy. When I hit ‘the big two-eight’ a few years ago I received no handshake from my manager and indeed ended up staying late at work because, apparently, a particularly tricky credit assessment was reason enough to detain me from getting immediately hammered on Tin at 5pm” – Paul Billington.

“It’s a disgrace the way Manchester City treat their players on their birthday. They should take a leaf out of José Mourinho’s book. He knows the birthday of each and every one of his play … oh” – Edward Demicoli.

“Re: Olcan Shaw’s problem with pulled pork (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Done well, pulled pork is delicious, and I for one won’t grumble that a food fashion has resulted in getting such a tasty dish at such a cheap price. However, what is unforgivable is the resulting popularity of the term ‘slaw. Every time I see something like ‘served with our famous ‘slaw’ on a menu I want to smash up the offending restaurant/cafe/Ol’ Jack’s Texan-Style Hickery Yee-haw Smokehouse with a sledgehammer. So, pulled pork; tricky one. It’s swings and roundabouts, really. Something I think we can all think about” – Evan Crichton.

“When did coleslaw become so unpronounceable that it needed truncating? Has there been a STOP COLE campaign that no one informed me of? It does, however, go some way to explaining José and Mr Roy’s selection policies” – Leonard Cohen.

“May I be one of 1,057 USA! USA!! USA!!! pedants to suggest to Olcan that if every time he tries pulled pork he gets something that is either dry or tasteless, he’s probably not having pulled pork. I don’t know if this is down to English-English translation issues (for instance, the Ingerland definition of barbecue as ‘anything heated up while outdoors’), or simply because Ingerlish cooking is terrible. Perhaps You are the Ref 4 should be a Masterchef tie-in” – Matt Derby (and no other USA! USA!! USA!!! pedants).

“I’ve never told anybody this but I can hold it in no longer. I liked Liverpool’s FA Cup final white suits (yesterday’s letters). There, I’ve said it. Let your opprobrium fall on me, but at least I’m not living the lie any more” – Colum Farrelly.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Big Sam will remain as West Ham manager, but has been warned he must deliver better football. “[He] was asked to give us a detailed presentation on his vision for next season,” declared co-owners Gollivan, conjuring disturbing images of Big Sam fumbling about with PowerPoint. “During this he assured us that he can deliver that ethos to West Ham United and we have agreed to support him with the resources that he needs.”

Monaco have tinkered with their plans by announcing Claudio Ranieri’s departure. “We decided to break up,” cheered club suit Vadim Vasilyev. “At this stage we need a new dynamic.”

Ashley Cole will hopefully not be driving when he receives offers from the eight clubs who are currently sniffing around the out-of-work left-back. “Thank u Chelsea FC for making my 8 years there a pleasure,” he tweeted, caring not a jot for Big Website style.

Southampton have taken a hefty mallet to their food supply by sacking U-18 coaches Jason Dodd and Paul Williams, who have produced almost half their first team. “Gutted for Doddsy and Willo,” footballer-speaked Luke Shaw. “Helped me a lot in my development over the years. Wish them all the best in their careers.”

And campaign groups have united in their condemnation of the Premier League’s decision to take no further action against Richard Scudamore over his $exist emails. “We renew our call for an independent inquiry into this matter,” said Women In Football.