The kids are doing their own thing. You’re zoned out plowing through the newspaper while the wife is obsessively drilling through Facebook and for a brief moment that’s when you realize “no one wants anything.”

No one’s screaming “nu-uh!!! I’m gonna tell!!!”

And the dog isn’t at the backdoor slamming his hellish paw against the annoying as shit bell we taught him to ring every time he wants to go out.

Bliss!!!

And that’s when the boy rolled up and muttered to me, “daddy what’s my penis for?”

Working hard not to spit my coffee all over the cute little redheaded bastard, I took a hard swallow and responded, “ummm, to pee with dude!”

The Dude: “Really, that’s it? Just to pee with?”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Well, I mean, there’s other stuff but you’ll learn about that later.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Holy mother of ….. I mean…man, what are they teaching you at school? Who are you hanging out with!!?!”

The Dude: “No I’ve just been wondering.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “No, baby’s do not technically come out of your penis.”

The Dude: “What if something happens to it.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Well then you put that thing on ice IMMEDIATELY and find yourself a damn good attorney .”

The Dude: “I don’t understand.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “I’m jumping ahead. You remember when daddy said to make sure and talk to me before you get married?”

The Dude: “Yes daddy.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “That’s all you need to know right now my man. Now go ride your bike or blow bubbles or something.”

The Dude: “You’ve made me scared to have a penis daddy.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “It’s a big damn responsibility my son. You shouldn’t take it lightly. Many important people have died or ruined their lives cause they couldn’t handle their penis. It’s a lifetime battle dude…just know that I’ll do all I can to guide you along this bumpy road.”

Reader Comments (22)

Honestly, when it's time to have the talk just sent him to ummm anyone but you. I'm fairly confident you still have no idea how to properly use a penis. In fact I'm not sure why you still have one. I am glad to see you back & laughed out loud my friend.

Ah! I laughed so hard my little boy was looking at me like I was crazy. Little does he know.....

Thank God for Fathers!! I am sure the boy had asked mom a few days ahead of time and she told him to ask you! At lease that is what I totally plan to do when our boy starts asking those questions.. "Go ask your father dear. Cause I sure as hell don't know!" =)

Dude, I loved this. One word of advice. You're a guy and a guy should never utter the phrase, "I took a hard swallow," when the conversation is about the penis. I tell you this because I care about you, bro. You know I care right? I won't swallow, but I care.

I've been thinking a lot about these kind of conversations that I know are right around the corner. I like how you told him it's a big responsibility and how many lives have been ruined because a man couldn't take control of it.

Rewind, you could have said, why those are because then you don't have to sit down to pee, you can pee against walls, against trees, fun stuff. And they make it easier to hit cheerios in the toilet. And then dropped some cereal in the toilet and have him take target practice to distract him.

My son pointed to his balls and asked: "what's this mommy?"Me: "Your scrotum"Son: "What's it for?"Me: "Jokes when you get older."

He seemed happy with that answer. Although later his preschool teacher took me aside and said he'd been pointing out his "strocum" to anyone who would look. Ok. This behavior sounds totally normal for a guy.

LMAO - I've had some comedic moments trying to explain tampons and pads. I am a single mom so taking my son into a stall with me has been a must for some time and it's always awkward. How do you explain thongs to a kid? I told my son I did not want the lines to show ... :)

I'm gonna go there and say it, kids say the darnedest things. My youngest was convinced that I had a penis, he would torture me at in town bathroom visits by beckoning to all within earshot saying "I know you have a penis, mama." Humiliated I would childishly respond "I do not!" Weeks of be called an owner of the penis finally revealed that he believed that anyone capable of peeing had a penis "pee-nis"...I'm not gonna lie, I was relieved by this 4 y/o logic.