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deep thoughts. by jack handey.

I know, everybodys read these a million times, but every time I do, I laugh hilariously. So laugh hilariously with me!!!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
--Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live - NBC)

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
--Jack Handey

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like now.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with wooden stakes.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I’m afraid some people might actually think that.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts