Category Archives: Uncategorized

So. It didn’t look like we were going to twank Daddy’s Little Cannibal, for a couple of reasons. Namely, as Cheesemonger #1 said, That fucking [redacted] spit on the memory of everyone who ever lost a loved one. NFW are we going to give her more attention.

And since there wasn’t any doubt left that she’d faked it, her coming back with this ridiculous Heidipology two years later wasn’t news to anyone.

Finally, even Cheesemonger the Elder thought her importance was being exaggerated. (Mostly by DLC herself.) I never even heard of her until she was on Fandom Wank for committing pseuicide. And I just looked at one of her stories and it’s a mess.

Your point, Yoda?

Her profile update is, however, a gold mine of entitlement. You’d almost think she’d compiled all the self-important memes from all the biggest egos in fandom and put them together for lulz.

So, what the hell. For anyone who was confused by her Final Goodbye, we’ve provided a summary with accompanying translation below. And if you don’t belong to the gazebo and are feeling stifled by the sudden resurgence of “no personal attacks” at ADF, wank all you want in the comments.

Snowflake-to-Layfan Translation:

1. I was tired of writing for fanfiction, I wanted to work on my own characters (which, I have sold several stories since I’ve left here and currently in the process of working on my novel, yea, I’m a real author now who has work published and gets paid for it)

3. You made me one of the most popular fan fiction authors, ever and you let me try so many new things with my writing and you never stopped cheering me on.

(Except when they were sending her death threats, of course). Translation: “I got lots of reviews to “OMG RITE MOAR” and all my friends said I was the best writer they ever knew. So did my mom before she died. (My mom dying is the reason I acted like a douche btw. Plus it was two years ago and I was young then. I’m an adult now.) Tell everyone I’m the most popular fanfic author ever, in case they didn’t know.”

4. I deleted the e-mail to my account, this is the first time I’ve even logged on fanfiction since it happened, I haven’t even read any of the reviews after it happened…I’m an adult now. I’m 20, going to school, going to work, chilling with my friends, dropping acid and eating shrooms, smoking pot, and living my life the way I want it without fan fiction…With all of this said, I ask that you guys leave me the fuck alone!…I’m a good person. I’ve grown up so much these past two years and I’ve grown up as a writer…Please, don’t get me wrong, I loved this experience, but I’ve moved on. This is my final goodbye.

Translation: “I can’t even explain to you in words (because I have such writing potential) how much I don’t care, but since I’m waiting on a monster upload for my dealer to show up since I’M AN ADULT, I think I’ll just post this 994-word update (997 if you count signing my name at the end; now count them again like a good little freakshow) to my profile that you can’t reply to because I know I won’t be able to keep up with the comments that’ll drive you batshit. I’m doing this just to show you how much I’ve moved on. I. Have. Moved. On. See how much I’ve moved on? I apologize for everything I did, except not really because you all deserved it and I’m a good person (like I give to charity and stuff). Them Now go fuck yourselves.”

5. Keep an ear and eye out for me because I’m out there in the writing world. I really am. You will hear my name again, it may not be Daddy’s Little Cannibal, but you will hear of me again, I promise.

When a campfire on ADF reaches 88 comments, you just know someone, somewhere, has pulled his or her fic.

Early this morn, Betty Smith, author of Gentleman from Washington State, pulled that same story from fanfail.net and Twilighted, leaving it up on her blog for the time being although it seems it will soon disappear from there also.

Pulling to publish has become such a pastime that it’s pretty much the default assumption when a story disappears. This doesn’t seem to be the case here. The cryptic campfire made it seem like BS pulled because she’d slammed another fic’s popularity and didn’t like the fallout. That assumption probably came from her 3/28 blog entry, which mentioned a fic called The Plan:

Remember when The Plan was hot and heavy on Twitter? “Big Name Authors” and “Big Name Readers” gushed over it. Readers were sucked in and with good reason. The plotline was the comfortable, yet exciting zone of UST. The phrasing and dialogue were crisp. And above all, it was an intravenous mainline of pure drug to the average Fic reader’s heroin like addiction to constant updates. It was all of those things, but I also thought it was a gimmick – a torturous dribble of porn decorated with the most tired plotline and setting possible. And no, I find nothing challenging in writing 300 word snippets every seven hours.

During that time I joked on Twitter that maybe I should chop up my next 6000 word chapter in 500 word increments over the week. People thought that was mean. Then I predicted that The Plan would change Fic forever by introducing smaller, more frequent chapters in an effort to garner more reviews.

Ooops. I’d crossed a line. I started to get re-tweeted as a Benedict Arnold. I lost followers instantly. I’d broken the unspoken rule that nothing negative could be said by another author.

~~~

It does seem strange that she would pull so soon after that, but while we don’t know how long ago this happened, the thing with The Plan looks like it’s an old reference. Besides, the entry only has 22 comments and they’re all standard sycophantia. So rather than assume it’s due to butthurt, we’ll turn our biblesbrowsers to Betty 4:3 for Frequently Asked Questions about Why I Pulled The Gentleman from Washington State:

1. Why did you do it?
Because I wanted to.

2. Do you intend to publish it?
Why? Are you offering me a three book contract? No. Well, probably not. But maybe. If I were to publish it, the story would be largely unrecognizable from the one you’ve read. It would be a third of its size with very different characters. Plus, everyone who read it as a work in progress knows that I based the outcome on a real life election. I have an alternate ending all planned out, and frankly, it’s a better, more realistic one.

3. Why leave it on your blog if you pulled it from FFN and Twilighted?
Because I’m not ready to completely say good bye to it, and I wanted people who were in the process of reading the story when I pulled to be able to finish.

4. What made you decide to pull it now?
I was debating when to pull the story, and I’d been thinking that I’d pull it when I got to 10,000 reviews. Yesterday, I decided that was the most hypocritical, weenie reason I could think of. I complain all the time about voluminous, soap operatic stories where the plot is obviously perpetuated just to get more reviews. I always said that I wouldn’t do that, so yesterday afternoon, I impulsively hit “delete.”

5. If you may not publish it, why pull it from FFN?
Because the more distance I get from the story, the more I see its flaws – and there are many. Leaving a complete fic on FFN is like having a first draft out there that you really would like to fix, but can’t because you don’t have the time or motivation to mess with it. Also, I’m ready to move on. If I leave it on FFN, the story in its current flawed form will “live on” in reviews, PMs, etc. There’s very little of that with my blog.

6. Will you ever write a sequel or outtake?
No, but thanks for asking!

Please let me know if you have other questions, but really, there are far more important issues in the world to care about than why Betty Smith pulled a fic.

~~~

Ah, yes, the stock answer “Don’t you losers have anything better to worry about?” There are far more important issues in the world than how popular a fanfic writer you are and how many reviews you get, aren’t there? And speaking of review-begging, it looks like the next commandment blog entry will be addressing that:

Funny you should mention publicly promoting yourself, since Google turned up this page from over a year ago, when KStew411 was still around. (They mostly tweeted news about “Stewey,” but also did fic recs, and one could argue that they were instrumental in making Master of the Universe into the monster it already was way back then.)

“The Gentleman from Washington State” by Betty Smith

We’ve got a little theme this week. Both stories came from the authors recommending them to me. It’s really rare–I can count on one hand how many ficsters have sent me their own stories. But I got a very nice email from Betty a couple weeks ago along with a link to her story, so I read it. And I fell in love. Lately I’ve been a bit off the angsty stories, but have been adding a lot of UST (unresolved sexual tension) to my fic caddy. “The Gentleman” is arguably one of the UST-iest stories you’ll ever find…

Emphasis ours. All right, which one of you bullies told her that was shameless? Come on, who? We’ll ban your ass so fast…

And of course, no grandstanding would be complete without the inevitable “anonymous bashing” argument. The irony, of course, being that we have no way of ever knowing whether the argu..er has done any anonymous bashing him/herself. (Unless the IP of someone complaining about anonymous blogs just happens to match someone who left bashy comments on said blog, but that’s not relevant to this post). Mind you, Betty Smith didn’t mind the original Twankhard so long as it let her know “what was going on in the world” and because “there’s some truth in the comments” (just the ones she agrees with, we presume):

2. And yeah – I admitted that I read these boards, which even reading them is considered turncoat behavior by some.

3. What’s going on in the world – I read these boards because there are some kernels of truth in some of the readers comments. Regardless, it’s good to know what people are thinking – even if you disagree.

~~

Teal deer? You don’t even have to be publishing to sound like a pretentious narcissist, and only losers explain why they’re leaving. 107yearoldvirgin, this means you!/sarcasm At least we’re spared the endless inane reminders of just how much she didn’t/doesn’t care and how she knew everything that was going to happen long before we ever knew anything was going to happen.

We’re just going to post a summary for those who don’t visit the gazebo or fandom_wank. After plowing through all that shite, we figured it’d be too soon if we never heard about AG again.

AG wrote a dissertation on how she posted those chats from Icy because she was planning to flounce anyway. Something about not wanting to be part of a fandom where people like Icy reign. Because we all know Icy is the absolute worst thing that ever happened to fandom, or ever could happen. But it’s okay because she doesn’t care! Don’t you feel stupid? This whole time, she never cared!

She claims someone used the info Jennday posted at the gazebo (a screenshot of her LinkedIn profile, in a post which LJ Abuse has since deleted) to track her down at work. It could be true; it’s happened before. Then again, people have lied about it before, too.

The gazebo jeered at the ‘tation, natch. It’s actually tamer than we expected, but of course certain people are conspicuously absent.

Fandom_wank even posted about it. They usually don’t bother with us; we think there’s a rule about linking to locked comms, and since our fandom does almost everything under lock and key…

Anyone read Sarah Palin’s books? Basically, “I love America, but it wasn’t ready for me, so I’ll let everyone worship their false idol until I am risen in 2012. Meanwhile, I’ll admit to a few lesser evils here and there so you’ll believe me when I turn around and settle all my scores. But if you don’t want me, that’s your loss. I don’t care.”

Replace “America” with “fandom” and “2012” with “a new fandom” and you’ve pretty much summarized this dissertation.

So until next flounce, friends
Same Batshit time, same Batshit channel
Good night, everyone
Your hosts for the evening,Twankharder!

We’re a few days late on this one. It was the weekend, okay? Kids to entertain, houses to clean. Moms’ work is never done.

Speaking of moms, TwilightMOMS (they have a website and they sell Twilight-inspired stuff?) had themselves a spectacular tantrum on Twitter this Thursday. Someone was trying to make money off their good name!!!1!

The alleged perpetrator, “Twilight Moms Club: TWI-MOMS,” has been on Facebook since June of last year. Their plot outline on Facebook reads:

“THIS GROUP IS ALL ABOUT THE TWILIGHT SAGA! WE ARE HERE TO HAVE FUN, MEET OTHER MOMS, AND FORM FRIENDSHIPS, ALL WHILE DISCUSSING OUR FAVORITE CULLEN OR TWILIGHT CHARACTER. IN THIS GROUP WE WILL ALSO PASS ALONG ANY MOMMY RELATED THINGS!”

For several months, they were on Twitter as @Twilight_Moms. The TwilightMOMS website, however, used the Twitter name @TwilightMOMS, so you already know this is going to end in tears. Because of @TwilightMOMS’ tantrum, @Twilight_Moms has since changed their Twitter to @Twimoms_Club.

It might help you keep things straight if you remember TwilightMOMS as the one YELLING.

It was all well and good when the new group, @Twilight_Moms, just wanted to hang around and talk about Twilight, but then they decided to go for the big bucks, namely selling T-shirts for Child Abuse Prevention Month. Because there could be no reason for using “moms” in a fundraiser about child abuse prevention other than to capitalise on TwilightMOMS’ fame, right?

@Twilight_Lexicon, who had never previously taken notice of @Twilight_Moms despite all the retweets the _Moms gave them this last month (which was as far back as we went), immediately sent up an emergency flare to the FOR REALZ @TwilightMOMS. Then proceeded to bloviate on the subject for the next 10 tweets:

It’s funny how TwiLex had just tweeted about Bath & Body Works being threatened by Summit over the “Twilight Woods” fragrance, because Twilight Woods™ is trademarked also, yet Summit claims they’re trying to capitalize on Twilight by “rip[ping] off the design and color palate of “Twilight” promo materials.”

Design and color palate…

TwilightMOMS claims their name is trademarked. We can’t find that specific name on TESS (doesn’t mean it isn’t out there, but it made us giggle anyway), but an owner search on the company Twilight Moms LLC brings up two Twilight MOM trademarks for clothing and jewelry and one for “Team Alice.” So tread carefully or you might get sued by the rightful owner. Which is not Summit.

Then there was this block of tweets from @Twilight_Moms (their name had already changed to @Twimoms_Club when we caught it) which is much easier to cap than link one by one, though remember this feed would have been interspersed with responses from @TwilightMOMS.

The sect of fandom that focuses intently on Rob and Kristen and their relationship status is new and scary to us, so this is probably going to read like Miner’s “Body Ritual among the Nacirema.” Or Diana Gabaldon’s attempt last year to describe this phenomenon known as “fan-fic” with its alien creatures who “post” their “fan-fics” on “on-line” “fan-fiction” “archives.”

As we understand it, “Robstens” are those who believe Rob and Kristen are together, and more importantly, that they should be together. We think it’s a requirement that they be very active in spreading the word; if you casually consider the two an item only when you happen to think about it, you’re just a RINO (Robsten In Name Only).

“Nonstens” appear to be those who think Rob and Kristen are not dating. We don’t know whether this includes individuals who just don’t care, or if being part of the group means you have a recruitment quota or something. It might be like the Gazebo, where to prove you don’t care you have to talk about it all the time and run two communities and seventeen sock accounts just in case people doubt your apathy.

…But we digress. We’ve seen claims that Nonstens are a peace-loving people who do not attack or malign enemy tribes. Other sources paint them as delusional middle-aged women who vehemently deny the Krist because, in their own minds, Rob would date them if he were free of the false idol.

We also found two minority groups called “PRsten,” who claim the two are pretending to be together to promote BD, and what itisbecauseiam has christened “whateverthefucksten.” That one sounds self-explanatory.

Finally, we have “Krisbians,” an appellation formed by the hybridizing of “Kristen” and “lesbian.” Basically, straight women who would make an exception for Kristen. Or something. We think you can be a Krisbian and a Sten. But if you’re waiting for KStew to change sides, you’re probably mad at Rob for potentially distracting her, so we’re thinking most Krisbians are Nonstens. Whatevs.

Anyway, apparently there’s this holy war being waged by the Holy Robsten Empire against the Nonstens of the Middle Ground.

We think Rob and Kristen are supposed to be Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Now, we all know from the esteemed historian Dan Brown that the Holy Grail was actually a series of royal vaginas, beginning with Mary Magdalene’s, and the Robstens seem to have formed a sort of modern-day Knights Templar who want that vagina kept where it should be, namely in the service of the Meyerwhingian plotline.

So the question is, when someone, let’s call her…oh, how about Anastasia?…blasphemes against the Holy Vag or utters heresy about Ye Olde Blade ‘n’ Chalice, how do we convert her from her Nonsten faith to Krisbianity? Well, this might work:

But you know, the internet is a big place. It’s different now that everyone isn’t in the same family village, and even with Twitter and Facebook, it’s so hard to get a good mob together these days.

So, what to do? Look, this is a holy war. The stakes don’t get any higher. You want justice? First you stalk “Anastasia’s” Twitter feed until the heretic drops enough tidbits about her life to help you locate her Facebook. Then you stalk the Facebook until you figure out where she works. Finally, you email the heretic’s employer and tell them she’s been using the net on company time. You are a disciple of Krist. Don’t be so fucking lazy.

This is the email “Anastasia’s” employer received as posted on itisbecauseiam’s tumblr:

“Did you know that your receptionist, ___________, is so obsessed with an actor by the name of Robert Pattinson that she spend the majority of her workday posting to an online community dedicated to hating his girlfriend as well asp osting on her Twitter to complain about her job? Most of her Tweets are about Robert Pattinson, her hatred of Kristen Stewart, planning her April trip to NYC to stalk Robert Pattinson, or complaining about her job – and at least half of them are done during time you are paying her to work.”

You could just post her home address in its entirety on the “Awful Truth” message boards at E! Online and command all Robstens to stone her, but that was already done to someone a while back and still the Nonstens live and breed. Time to up the ante.

From what we’ve seen, “Anastasia” made less noise about literally having her job threatened than a BNF usually makes about a bad review. It’s like Newton’s 2nd law all backwards, where the larger mass m (the BNF) attains more acceleration (a) than a smaller mass (a non-BNF) after less force F is applied against her.

Newton

Fandom

F = ma

(1/2)F = m(1/a)

Or something. Physics is about as clear to us as the Houses of Sten. We made a chart just in case:

When literature student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive, enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to put Grey out of her mind – until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town hardware store where she works part-time.

The unworldly, innocent Ana is shocked to realize she wants this man, and when he warns her to keep her distance it only makes her more desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her – but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success – his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving adoptive family – Grey is man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a passionate, physical and daring affair, Ana learns more about her own dark desires, as well as the Christian Grey hidden away from public scrutiny.

Can their relationship transcend physical passion? Will Ana find it in herself to submit to the self-indulgent Master? And if she does, will she still love what she finds?

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

Oh, deer. AG Double-Oh-Three has deleted her Twitter. Now we have to go upload all our screencaps of her tweets and edit them into the last post. First world problems suck.

Why would she do this? Seems someone on the gazebo wanted to know where the original Twankhard went, and whether it was really AG. Jennday posted a whole lot of… Jesus, it’s all “I posted a link, and someone clicked it, and that someone’s IP was in a certain city and that’s where AG’s LinkedIn profile says she lives, and btw here’s the whole IP without any of the numbers blacked out AND THAT’S HOW I KNOW.”

We feel so lazy. All we did was compare the IP when Twankhard posted here once to one of AG’s from…erm, somewhere else. We are fat lazy moos.

Anyway, AG supposedly tweeted “Hey, thanks for posting my IP, RL name, address, and former employers on The Gazebo. That’s totally not crossing any lines. You won guise!” before flouncing Twitter. Derp…if you don’t want people knowing your name, probably best not to give interviews to msnbc.com or sit a ComicCon panel. Where was there an address? The only “former employer” we know of is Icy herself, whose privacy during a discussion about a service she was purchasing wasn’t exactly honoured.

Ugaiz, there’s like this line you just don’t cross. But it only goes one way.

Icy responded that the tweets were taken out of context, and posted what she said was the full surrounding text on her website in order to provide that context. It’s since been taken down, but thanks to a nonnie, we have a copy for you.

Seems like a classic case of When elephants fight, only the grass suffers. What’s your opinion? Who’s the biggest loser here (besides us?)

Since all of us are usually busy as fuck on the weekends, we had just decided to stop posting then. All of a sudden things go splodey.

First off, we were wrong about Krismom, and for that we apologize profusely. It turns out that TVM having exactly the same text as Whatever Makes You Happy wasn’t because she had the book open in front of her; she has complete eidetic memory.

(Believe it or not, this by itself wouldn’t have gotten a post because…wait for it…the horse was dead. So we did not take a screenshot and are relying on what ja6108 copy-pasted on ADF, assuming it wasn’t altered.)

There aren’t enough apologies in the world. I left the PM’s on for a while so people could vent- but that got scary. Fast.

I have no explanation – other than to say it was not done on purpose. I didn’t cut and paste or have the books out in front of me- and have the keystroke count and typos to show for it.

It’s a weird ass memory thing. I have a f*ed up ability to recount large amounts of useless information. Kind of like a photographic memory- it’s considered eidetic memory and most people think it’s unfounded or Asperger’s-ish. It’s not impressive enough to matter- It’s not related to intelligence or even useful. It’s mostly dates, text and random information that scares and impresses people when googled. Although I did get to meet Marilu Henner once. 😉 Most people don’t buy it anyway- kind of like my kid with Sensory Processing Disorder. 😦

I had posted (notice I didn’t say written) half the story before I heard a review on NPR about the book Still Alice- and realized It was the same book/story I read a year ago and was currently posting. I don’t want to ruin an apology with an excuse- so I’ll just say that if I could give you all the time back that you invested reading, I would.

I am so very sorry- my plagiarism penalty was losing all of you. The talent, the stories, the Twitter banter- are all sorely missed. I should have stuck to reading and reviewing- which is what all of you wonderful writers deserve.”

Think about what you’d do if you had the ability to recall whole books absolutely word for word. You could enter any profession you wanted. Count cards and make millions. Or you could go balls to the wall and copy a novel and change the names so it’s a Twilight fanfic.

There aren’t enough apologies in the world. I left the PM’s on for a while so people could vent- but that got scary. Fast.

After emailing with an ADF friend today, I realized I shouldn’t have tried to explain myself. It’s all excuses anyway- and nothing ruins an apology like an excuse. The memory thing wasn’t bullshit- but make no mistake I *knew* I was doing it. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. For this and so very many other things, I am truly sorry.

I apologized profusely and repeatedly to my beta’s. I’m not consciously trying to cut off from the fandom- I’m just to ashamed to speak. I deserve any and all outrage- and accept the consequences of my stupidity.

My plagiarism penalty was losing all of you. The talent, the stories, the Twitter banter- are all sorely missed. I should have stuck to reading and reviewing- which is what all of you wonderful woman deserve.

I’m not apologizing to gain entry back into the fandom. I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that for all the Edward in the world.

﻿﻿﻿Again, I suck and I’m sorry. I would give you back the time you spent reading and investing in the story if I could.

Allow us to also apologize to Ninapolitan, because she was right. Instead of tossing around crap theories all the time, just ask the person if you want the truth about something. They’re not going to lie, ffs:

Now that you’re feeling bad about yourself because you can’t even remember your own phone number half the time, let us point out that people who volunteer or donate regularly are happier people. Better to give than to receive, yakety yak. With that in mind, please consider helping to send the beloved RoseArcadia to ComicCon! The A/N attached to the end of Jadalulu‘s Fold Your Wings tells you why:

*Peeks out at you from finger sluts…err…slits*

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. ‘Tis a cliffy. Feel free to flounce. I know how cruel they are. 🙂

*CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER* NOW…

We’re trying to get our girl RoseArcadia to Comic Con! She’s very shy about this subject and is prolly gonna string me up by mah butt cheeks for doing this-and for raving about her (she’s a rare form of modest), but it must be done. I’m not sure if you guys have had the pleasure of talking to her, but she is the epitome of what this fandom is about. She’s incredibly supportive and uplifting to countless authors. I know I can depend on her to give me an honest, straight forward opinion-sans any catty drama. And let’s be real. A RoseArcadia blinkie is right up there with a forehead kiss from Edward. I know I speak for more than just myself when I say that without her, the fandom wouldn’t be the same. I remember when I was strictly a reader with wistful fantasies about writing something of my own. When I finally worked up the nerve to post, Rose was the first person to embrace me. I cannot accurately describe to you the level of support she lends. Her faith in me isn’t repayable…BUT I’ll be damned if I don’t do my all to try.

Suzie55 and co. forced her to add a donate button to her blog. So, bbs, if you’re feeling so inclined…

This isn’t a charity, but an opportunity to show our appreciation to RoseArcadia, who has designed blinkies and banners for so many writers. Send her to Comic Con. Donate at: http://rosearcadia.blogspot.com

Girl has lots of friends in high places. We’re jealous. Two of us never heard of her until today, so this jealousy is particularly aggravating.

So, while we’re apologizing to everyone–krismom for not realizing she had “unfounded or Asperger’s-ish” total recall, Ninapolitan for posting theories without asking her first, and RoseArcadia for not knowing who she was until everyone started wanting to send her to ComicCon–let us not forget to apologize to Icy as well. Because just like this nonnie said, we’re just not creative enough to come up with a story like that and that’s why we thought it was a clusterfuck, not because it sucked or anything. We felt secure in our disdain because obviously if it were any good, Omnific would have snapped it up, right?

Right. Except it looks like TWCS beat them to it:

It’s so good already that they really don’t need to do much except print it out and glue it together. The first installment will be out at the end of May.

If you hurry up and apply for one of TWCS’s internships, you might get to witness the fascinating process firsthand.

And see? We thought we were too busy to twank on the weekends. But none of us has a publishing deal, so our attempt to look awesome failed. Damn Icy. She couldn’t do this on a Wednesday?

But alas, talent is a beast with it’s own set of parameters. It literally chooses you. Sebastien didn’t know it, but he had indeed been chosen.

I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN! FAREWELL, MY FRIENDS. I GO ON TO A BETTER PLACE.

He was a writer, so of course he wrote, and wrote, and wrote some more. Does a cow not produce milk? Does a duck not quack?

Does a bull not shit?

His editor Jennde was his most trusted friend, and the only one to see his masterpiece as it formed slowly over the months. Each successful posting, brought people by the millions out of the woodworks, leaving poor Sebastien to abuse his own lip with his awkwardly capped fangs, and made him wonder if perhaps he should have rethought his endeavor.

Too late. The barn door is open and the horses are dead. LET’S BEAT THEM!

He was becoming utterly-famous. He shuddered at the realization.

ZOMG! That’s how we reacted too!!11! *fangirl squees*

“He’s not taking it down!” Jennde told Icy, which turned the Icy lady cold with anger.

“Yes, he will. If you don’t…” she eyed Sebastien, as he held tight to the leather chair beneath him. “Then I turn her. Your choice.”

This trainwreck would not be complete without a cryptic, panty-drenching review from Morgan Locklear, in which one of us finally realizes that MOG does not in fact mean “Mother of God.”

We’re shaking in our skivvies as we wonder just what the evil puppetmaster has in mind…

If you came in here with even an ounce of self-esteem today, we sincerely hope it’s gone. Damn, just when you think you’ve made some headway along the Alpine Path, you look up from your well-written, cliché-free manuscript and realize that Sebastien Robichaud/Sylvain Reynard is already at the top.

Not that SR’s life is perfect, not by a long shot. If it were us, we’d want our hagiographies done by someone other than Miss RMD, who brought us the epic tale My Name Is Edward. At the very least, we’d hope for someone with a better grasp of mechanics so the tribute doesn’t read like a colossal clusterfuck. But hey, you get what you settle for in this world.

Nonnie, thank you. As much as we’d love to have called satire on this one…what the shiz. Either way, it was still funny.