I was considering these words as I was preparing this talk. Have you ever thought about what these statements are really saying? Jesus is inviting us to call on him in our storms and lay our burdens on him, all of them. To paraphrase: I have it pretty easy, why don’t you let me take your load for you, your hurt & your heartache, so you can rest.

What an amazing offer, yet so few of us actually take him up on this offer completely. Why not? The Lord tells us to do all we can, then bring the rest to Him and let Him finish it. Why is this so hard? To give away our hurt, our sorrow, our sin. I’ve had a very hard time with this all my life. It’s felt as if my stuff too much for him to bear. I can’t, so how could he? I’ve come to realize in the last few years, that Satan loves me miserable and sad and lonely and depressed. He especially loves it when I harbor ill will and resentment towards those who have made decisions which hurt me. He loves to make me think I can’t win and that I can’t move on and let it go. He loves making me think the world and everyone in it is out to get me. Well, no more, I cannot and will not let him control my life and how I live it. I’m not happy when I do and I want to be happy.

I want to live my life in a way so Heavenly Father will be proud of me and part of this is letting his son, Jesus Christ, do his part, and fulfill what he has already done. He is my brother and he wants nothing more than to help me get through my trials and hardships and help me absolve my sins with the Father. He was pained in Gethsemane for all of us, for the feelings of sorrow, pain and guilt we feel when we sin; but he also took upon himself all our sadness, and painful afflictions. He took this burden upon himself and died for us. He gave up himself as the ultimate sacrifice for us to take advantage of. It was not just to show everyone he could do it, but for us to understand how much He and our Heavenly family love us.

I recently sang in Michael McLean’s Forgotten Carols. In this musical fireside / play there is a song called Handel’s dream. The song is about George Frederic Handel as a young spirit, we were all in Heaven awaiting the Savior’s birth and a choir was being put together. The first time I heard this song, I found myself wondering if I was in that choir singing of the heavenly birth of my Brother. As I was writing this talk, I was struck by a new thought. When he was here on earth during his ministry, did I watch him in Gethsemane? Did I understand his suffering in the garden and dying on the cross, did I know what it meant? I know I did. I don’t know if I realized how much I would depend on this sacrifice but I knew of its importance. We all did and we felt the gratitude for him. We rejoiced and thanked him when he returned to us before the resurrection.

I often find myself wondering how it was for our Heavenly Mother in that time. We know from scriptures that Heavenly Father couldn’t bear to watch his Son die on the cross to the point of him creating such a dark storm as the earth had never experienced before. How she must have embraced him in those eternal moments before he left her side once again to fulfill the resurrection. I imagine such beautiful pride in her eyes knowing what it all meant and how it would create a way for all of her children to return to her. We always concentrate on Heavenly Father, not that we shouldn’t, but having lost my own mother when I was young, I find I think of her more often. Even though we don’t know much about her, I imagine the warmth we feel when we are encircled by love and forgiveness; it is mostly her arms around us. Why wouldn’t you want to do all you can so you can return back to such love?

We need to learn how to develop the pure love they have for us and our fellow brothers and sisters here on earth. We must learn how to extinguish hate, anger and the resentment we feel for our brother and sisters and mostly for ourselves. We need to realize we are not perfect, yet. It’s why we are here, to learn by his wonderful example how to be perfect. We need to let Him mold and shape us. We need to give up control to him and let him lead us.

How do we do this? By living as Christ would. We all know this seems so easy, but it can be very difficult to let things go and let Heavenly Father deal the judgments. There are those who He has chosen to help us in the matter and ordained them as such when we sin. I have come to realize that I don’t want the responsibility of laying down judgments. How can I judge others when I am no more perfect than they are. How I can possibly justify this? I can’t, plain and simple, I can’t.

So how do we let it go and allow the Lord to do his part when it feels and seems like it isn’t being resolved? Well, this is where that eternal perspective comes in. The Lord does things in his own due time and it is up to us to leave him to it. I know this a hard concept, but think for a moment how much energy and time we waste on harboring these feelings of guilt and sadness. Hate takes a lot more energy than love. How do these negative thoughts make you feel? For me, it’s as if I can’t breathe, I can’t think straight, I can’t feel the love Heavenly Fathers has for me because there is no room. It’s as of my spirit is suffocating, my light is flickering low and Satan is laughing with his hands up in triumph because he thinks he’s finally got me.

Do you ever feel that way? We must learn to recognize this and fight back. We cannot allow him to have us - we are not his. It is the easiest way Satan has to get us under his hold. He feeds off these feelings, he lengthens our sorrow for our sins by convincing us we aren’t worthy of forgiveness by the Lord or our brothers and sisters. He picks on our inadequacies and fuels our bitterness. He tells us to wait. Wait for the opportunity to forgive and then give it. This is not the way to happiness, Christ did not wait. This method will only keep you miserable and sad and angry and spiteful, just like Him, Satan, who was cast out of the sight of God because of his wickedness. Don’t fall prey to him, don’t let him have you even for a moment. He will latch on and hold you down and suffocate your spirit and take you to his darkness of despair.

Forgiveness is the key. We must get down on our knees and ask with a humble heart for the Lord’s forgiveness and help to overcome these feelings. Let him Heal You! Let the Atonement envelope you! Let his love be your air! Let it surround you and be joyful in its redeeming quality. God so loved us that he sent his Son to die for us and all we need to do is believe in his power. Call upon him in humble prayer and ask him earnestly. We must keep believing in him every day, our trials and hardships don’t go away and neither does he. These are eternal and continual truths, they have been since Adam and they will continue on long after we are gone for the future generations.

It is our responsibility not only to learn but to teach by example to those around us and in our care. We must do our part and forgive others, even if we have not been forgiven yet. It is so important to our eternal progression to forgive. We are not only here for our own eternal salvation but to help our brothers and sisters. We serve those who we love easily, but do you serve those who don’t treat you with love in their hearts? This is not an easy task, but if we serve those who have harmed or hurt us, we will find a new kind of love. It is the Pure love of Christ. Christ loved those who mocked him, spit on him, persecuted him, hit him, crowned him with thorns, and hung him on a cross. He forgave these people and asked Heavenly Father to forgive them. He is our ultimate example of how to live.

A few years ago, a friend gave me a bracelet which said “What Would Jesus Do?” Even though I don’t have that reminder anymore, it is still in my mind. Now, I don’t always listen to the answer, but when I do, I feel the love of my Savior and I know what to do and how to react to hard situations.

This life is in constant motion and the saying is true – “What goes around, comes around”. If we do what Jesus would, eventually we will receive that love back. If we follow this principle, life will be easier. This doesn’t mean our trials will go away, but our eternal vision will become clearer and we might even understand why we need to learn the principle before it’s over. It’s easy to have that Ahaa! moment after the trial, but wouldn’t it be nice to get it in the middle. If we see our trials as the Lord does, as learning experiences, we will not only learn more but it might also stick better.

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest … For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Matt. 11:28, 30.

This talk was about the Healing Power of Forgiveness. I hope I’ve said some things to enlighten you, maybe a different twist on an timeless concept. We all know forgiveness heals our spirits and allows us to be closer to our Heavenly Father. I think sometimes we allow our human parts complicated things which are simple. Be as Jesus Christ is, think like him, talk like him and act like him. I know the Lord lives and loves me; and all of you. He wants so much for us to be with him again, that he showed us the path and gave his only begotten Son. Live through the Atonement and show your gratitude for his sacrifice. Let him Heal you. Let Jesus be your advocate with Heavenly Father when you falter. I love my Savior and appreciate his sacrifice for me and hope I can make him proud of me.

-- Now if I can just really remember My own words and do as I'm instructing other to do!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

If you ever experience an afternoon slump, there is an easy way to revive your energy. Follow this simple stretching series and you'll feel like a completely new person. Why does this work?

There are 3 reasons. Stretching causes you to breathe deeply bringing oxygen to your brain, in effect waking you up. Secondly, stretching releases the physical form of stress that is stored in your muscles. Storing that tension takes constant work by your muscles. Relieving that work frees up energy. Lastly, stretching helps your body remove toxins from your tissues. When you breathe deeply and move your body your lymph system is activated, cleansing the body of pollutants. The end result, You feel great!

Stretching Tips to Keep in Mind

On each step in the series remember to:· Breathe deeply and slowly.· Stretch to the point of feeling a "release," but not to the point of feeling pain.· Hold each stretch for 10-30 seconds, or more if it feels good.· Go slow and be gentle. Over time you'll actually feel greater benefits every day.· If someone laughs, invite them to join you!!

Office Stretching Series

1. Touch the Sky. Reach your arms up to the sky and as far back as you can safely go. You can try grasping like you're trying to reach the stars.

2. Side Stretch. While standing reach your one arm over head and to the opposite side. You can keep the other hand on your hip or in the air.

3. Touch Your Toes. Take off your shoes if you can. Wiggle your toes. Now bend at the hip and reach for your toes. Bending your knees is OK.

4. Shoulder Opener. Lean your palms against the wall above your head and bending at the hip to stretch out your shoulders and back.

5. Twirl 'Em. Make circles with your wrists and ankles. Rotate in both directions. Also with each hand alternate making fists and opening your hand wide. Do this back and forth a few times. If you work at a keyboard, you'll be love how this feels!

6. Loosen Your Neck. Go slow and gentle with neck stretching. Slowly stretch forward and back, side to side, round in circles, and twist to look over each shoulder. Remember slow and gentle. Only do what feels good.

7. Arm Stretch. Straighten one arm out in front of you. Now with the other arm pull the straight arm toward your opposite shoulder. Go slowly. If you use a computer mouse a lot during the day, this should feel really good. Keep your hands open wide to make this even better.

8. Arm Circles. While standing rotate each arm around in big circles both forward and backward. Do one arm at a time. Do this slowly.

9. Seated Twist. First sit up straight. Twist in your chair keeping your hips stationary. Twist all the way from lower back all the way up to your head looking over your shoulder.

10. Quad Stretch and Balance. Stand on one leg and stretch out your quadricep muscle by bending your knee and pulling your foot to your buttocks. If you'd like to advance this a bit, bend at the hip to touch your toes while doing this.

11. Hip Opener. Sitting in your chair cross one leg over the other so that ankle rests just above the knee. While doing this lean forward to feel a nice stretch in your hip and buttocks. Over time this one exercise can help with lower back problems and sciatica. It's pretty amazing. Repeat with the other leg.

12. Seated Back Bend. Sitting in your chair you can do this a few different ways. Each of these will give a nice stretch to your stomach and chest muscles:· Sitting on the edge of your chair with arms in the air, simply reach up and back.· Sitting on the edge, clasp your hands behind your back with arms pointing down. Roll your shoulders in towards each other in the back and lean your head back.· If you have a lean back chair, lift your arms in the air and lean back for a nice stretch.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Here are some ideas of things to do and be creative ...1. Go for a walk. Draw or list things you find on the the sidewalk.2. Write a letter to yourself in the future.3. Buy something inexpensive as a symbol for your need to create, (new pen, a tea cup, journal). Use it everyday.4. Draw your dinner.5. Find a piece of poetry you respond to. Rewrite it and glue it into your journal.6. Glue an envelope into your journal. For one week collect items you find on the street.7. Expose yourself to a new artist, (go to a gallery, or in a book.) Write about what moves you about their work.8. Find a photo of a person you do not know. Write a brief bio about them.9. Pick a color and spend a day drawing things that are only that color.10. Draw your bike.11. Make a list of everything you buy in the next week.12. Make a map of everywhere you went in one day.13. Draw a map of the creases on your hand, (knuckles, palm)14. Trace your footsteps with chalk.15. Record an overheard conversation.16. Trace the path of the moon in relation to where you live.17. Go to a paint store. Collect 'chips' of all your favorite colors. Create an inspiration board.18. Draw your favorite tree.19. Take 15 minutes to eat an orange.20. Write a haiku.21. Hang upside down for five minutes.22. Hang found objects from tree branches.23. Make a puppet.24. Create an outdoor room from things you find in nature.25. Read a book in one day.26. Illustrate your grocery list.27. Read a story out loud to a friend.28. Write a letter to someone you admire.29. Study the face of someone you do not like.30. Make a meal based on a color theme. (i.e. all white).31. Create a museum of very small things.32. List the smells in your neighborhood.33. List 100 uses for a tin can.34. Fill an entire page in your journal with small circles. Color them in.35. Give away something you love.36. Choose an object, draw the side you can't see.37. List all of the places you've ever lived.38. Describe your favorite room in detail.39. Write about your relationship with your washing machine.40. Draw all of the things in your purse/bag.41. Make a mini book based on the theme, "my grocery list".42. Create a character based on someone you know. Write a list of personality traits.43. Recall your favorite childhood game.44. Put postcards of art pieces/painting on the inside of your kitchen cupboard doors, so you can see them everyday (but not become deaf to them.)45. Draw the same object every day for a week.46. Write in your journal using a different medium (brush & ink, charcoal, old typewriter, crayons, fat markers.47. Draw the individual items of your favorite outfit.48. Make a useful item using only paper & tape.49. Research a celebration or ritual from another culture.50. Do a temporary art installation using a pad of post it notes & a pen.51. Draw a map of your favorite sitting spots in your town/city. (photocopy it and give it to someone you like.)52. Record all of the sounds you hear in the course of one hours.53. Using a grid, collect various textures from magazine and play them off of each other.54. Cut out all media for one day. Write about the effects.55. Make a pencil rubbing of six different surfaces.56. Draw your garbage.57. Do a morning collage.58. List your ten most important things, (not including animals or people.)59. List ten things you would like to do every day.60. Glue a photo of yourself as a child into your journal.61. Transform some garbage.62. Write an entry in your journal in really LARGE letters.63. Collect some 'flat' things in nature (leaves, flowers). Glue or tape them into your journal.64. Physically alter a page. (i.e. cut a hole, pour tea on it, burn it, fold it, etc.)65. Find several color combinations you respond to in public. Document them using swatches, write where you found them.66. Write a journal entry describing something "secret". Cut it up into several pieces and glue them back in scrambled.67. Record descriptions or definitions of subjects or words you are interested in, found in encyclopedias or dictionaries.68. Draw the outline of an object without looking at the page. (contour drawing).69. What were you thinking just now? write it down.70. Do nothing.71. Write a list of ten things you could to do. Do the last thing on the list.72. Create an image using dots.73. Do 3 drawings at different speeds.74. Put a small object in your left pocket (or in a bag), Put your left hand in the pocket. Draw it by feel. 75. Create a graph documenting or measuring something in your life.76. Draw the sun.77. Create instructions for a simple everyday task.78. Make prints using food. (fruit and vegetables cut in half, fish, etc.)79. Find a photo. Alter it by drawing over it.80. Write a letter using an unconventional medium.81. Draw one object for twenty minutes.82. Combine two activities that have not been combined before.83. Write about your day in an encyclopedic fashion. (i.e. organize by subject.)84. Write a list of all the things you do to escape.85. Cut a random shape out of several layers of a magazine. Make a collage out of the results.86. Write an entry in code.87. Make a painting using tools from the bathroom.88. Work with a medium that is subtractive.89. Write about or draw some of the doors in your life.90. Make a postcard that has some kind of activity on it.91. Create a journal entry using "layers".92. Create an entry using "layers".93. Write your own definition of one of the following concepts, sitting, waiting, sleeping (without using the actual word.)94. List 10 of your habits.95. Illustrate the concept of "simplicity".These are things I am going to try to incorporate into my life.

4 interesting facts about me:01. I am secretly terrified to sing on a stage in front of people and will never sing my own songs.02. When I was young I broke my forehead open twice, a year apart and in the same place. I am pure talent!03. I love being alone most of the time. I don’t really miss the companionship of others, although, I do miss having a warm body to cuddle with sometimes.04. I have never voted in either Canada or the United States and don’t plan to.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

i love the smell of: white lilies. They are so fragrant and sweet. I like sweet smelling flowers, nothing overly strong – just nice and subtle. I love white flowers, they remind me of purity.

i love the sound of: simple songs. Just a boy, a guitar and his heart on the strings. It’s absolutely sweet hearing a boy pour out his heart and soul in songs. It inspires me to write my own down.

i love the taste of: cane sugar Root Beer. I love root beer in general, but some makers put way too much fizz in their mix. I found this new brew made by Boylan and it’s wonderful!

i love the feel of: my down comforter. It’s getting colder now, so I pulled out my down comforter last night to put on my bed. I love y bed in general, but with that on it, it’s just heavenly.

i love the sight of: a downpour rain storm. Lately, we have had a few rain storms at night. I love watching the rain. It’s so cleansing and powerful. I love sheeting rain – like when the wind is blowing just enough to put a slant on the pouring. I also love the sound and smell of rain.

Friday, October 5, 2007

i love the smell of: showering. I love showering in the morning, I love smelling clean and being clean. I know some people who don’t shower every morning and I can’t understand how they do it. A really great shower wakes me up and just starts my day off better!

i love the sound of: Parker Case. He is a multi-talented musician who I have been listening to for 5 years. He plays in Say Anything right now, but also has his own project called i and the universe. I first heard him in 2003 when he was part of JamisonParker. He plays the drums, guitar, bass, piano, sings and writes lyrics and music. He is truly multi-talented and I am jealous of his talents.

i love the taste of: Dr. Pepper. I don’t know what is in that stuff, but I love it. It’s probably ALL the Caffeine.

i love the feel of: a great hug given by a guy who cares about me. There’s something about having arms wrapped around you that belong to a guy who cares about you. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic or not, as long as he truly cares about me.

i love the sight of: old married couples who still hold hands. I want a love that will last forever and this sight gives me hope that I will find it someday.

Right This Second –I’m excited about: going home for the dayMy Eyes are: are tiredI’m hoping: to get some sleepI’m wearing: black and dark gray stripesI taste: coconut and chocolateI’m a little sad because: I’m still at work!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

i love the smell of: fresh brewed coffee. Even though I don't drink it, I really love the scent, especially when it's flavored with Vanilla!

i love the sound of: acoustic guitar. There is something very soothing about the deep "hum" of acoustic guitar strings. I am learning to play and even my uneven and smashed up chords are somehow soothing and calming to me. I find I am NOT getting frustrated with it like I sometimes do!

i love the taste of: fresh bread with butter, real butter! I miss my dad's fresh bread from the bread maker. I also miss his waffles, he makes them so good! He serves them with chokecherry syrup, which he makes himself, and it is so good!!

i love the feel of: my bed after I've washed and changed the sheets. I have this feather bed under my sheets which makes me sink down into it.

** I know this is new, but I'm going to try to do this once a week/month so I remember all the good things which surround me!

Friday, September 28, 2007

“If you spend too much time thinking about your past mistakes, how can you focus on moving forward?Today, you need to put the boxing gloves away – because it’s time for you to stop beating yourself up!

No one remembers the things you did or didn’t do, so why on earth should you? Its one thing to learn lessons from errors you’ve made, but it is quite another to continually punish yourself. This is a fresh day, full of possibility and promise. Don’t waste it feeling regret.”

* * * * *The funny thing is, this morning before I read this, I was going over in my head all of my past mistakes and bad choices. I was considering the repercussions and consequences of those bad choices and mistakes. I just can’t seem to let them go, I continually let them decide how I go about my day/life. I still own ALL of them, even the ones which weren’t my choice. I’m having a hard time learning the lesson, sticking to it and letting go.

I want so badly to move on and let them go. I know they are the reason I am who I am, but do they need to completely define me and all my future decisions?

This is a fresh day, full of possibility and promise. Don't waste it feeling regret. How do I accomplish this major life altering task? Harder than it sounds!

Today, I will try harder to think about ‘how’ I make decisions and ‘how’ the consequences of those decisions will effect my future days/month/years.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L. A. has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L. A. and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55- 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

And finally, why is the L.A. Freeway called the '405'? Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Your Enneagram core type is POINT 8 - THE BOSS OR PROTECTOREarly in life, Protectors learned to become strong and powerful by hiding their vulnerability.

They developed a toughness and forcefulness that allowed them to rely on their own instincts.

Control and dominance of their personal space, protecting the weak and innocent, and gaining respect by being strong are among the 8's highest values. People of this type appear armored, easy to anger, and confrontational at the slightest provocation. They are unaware of their intensity, tuning instead to their core friendliness, generosity and ability to energize others. 8's are great leaders, as long as you're on their side!

Finding your "center" is a first step toward understanding your Enneagram type. The 9 personalities of the Enneagram are arranged within three triads or centers: the Feeling triad; the Thinking triad; and the Instinctive or Gut triad. Each triad contains three personality types that reflect the assets and liabilities of their triad, e.g., type 2 has particular strengths and weaknesses involving its feelings, hence its location in the Feeling triad. The 5's assets and liabilities involve thinking, which is why it's located in the Thinking triad…and so on for each of the types.

The elegance of this arrangement results from a kind of dialectic containing a thesis, antithesis and synthesis of the theme of each triad, so that one of the types over expresses the core attribute of the triad; one under expresses it; and the third is most out of touch with that aspect.Because 8's are gut-based, they act from instinct, and tend to over-express anger. Forceful and aggressive by nature, they are extroverts who tend toward too much, too loud, too many.

Transformation of these aggressive tendencies occurs when 8's delay expressing their feelings (especially anger) so they can tune into their vulnerability. By acknowledging their intensity and its impact on others, they can gradually learn to moderate it. With greater calm, the 8's deeper feelings of tenderness can finally surface.

Take action: Watch out for unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. Work at validating, appreciating and recognizing other people's efforts. Notice your tendency to fight against dependency needs by controlling, manipulating, blaming, or maintaining a one-up position.

Instead, allow yourself to feel vulnerable and uncertain occasionally, just as we all do. Practice delaying spontaneous expressions of anger. In the gap, work on listening to other people's feelings and needs. Exchange control and dominance of your space and your relationships by negotiating clear boundaries that allow a win-win result. But watch for your urge to break rules or violate those boundaries as soon as they are made. Realize that sparring or arguing may turn you on, but it gets misinterpreted by non-8's in your life. You may need to teach those close to you to hold their ground and speak their truths when confronted by you.

Beware of excesses in your lifestyle and workstyle that can lead to exhaustion and alienation from others.

I have to write this down, it really freaked me out. It was really weird. It was a sensation like I couldn't wake up. I felt like I was conscious but wasn’t. I thought I could here my roommate Stacey saying things – “She’s having a seizure or something, she’s thrashing and won’t wake up.” "I can't get in, the door is locked."I could feel my arms moving and hitting the wall and I was kicking and trying to yell out Help! But I wasn’t making any noise, my mouth wouldn’t open and let out the sound though and my arms weren’t actually moving, it just felt like they were.

Somehow my door was locked or something because she said she couldn’t get in. I kept telling myself to “just wake up”, “just open your eyes”. I couldn’t though, it was like my brain was wide awake but my body couldn’t respond. It almost felt like what it would be like to be in a coma. When I did finally wake up, I woke up really slow. I didn’t believe I was awake. I woke up thinking about the dream and realizing that’s what it was because when the memory flooded my mind I had been in a bunk on a bus, a really small space. I laid there for a few minutes trying to get my bearings, I didn’t want to go back to sleep.

Now that I think about it, I have these claustrophobic dreams quite often; I just don’t always remember them. I have this one that is a recurring. I am in a room that is filled to capacity with either people or pillows or something I can’t tell what it is. I’m at the opposite end of the room from where the door is and I can’t get to the door. I try to move and I’m stuck in my place because I am crammed in so tightly, I can’t move. I get really high anxiety and really scared. Then I wake up, having never gotten to the door.

This is why I have never been to a concert and in movie theaters, I always sit at the very top. So I can see the door and the easiest exit route.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Am I still the way I think I feel?I’m wondering this now.It seems less complicated now,More surreal, less like reality.More like the dream I keep having.The dream I wanted to come true,More than anything else.

How can I trust this new reality?I’m staring at my new worldAnd I don’t recognize any of it.I don’t know how I got here,I can’t remember the steps.Trust has never been my forte.

Will it stay together and complete?I fear not, it never has before,The pieces always seem to come loose,Apart and then lost.

The picture doesn’t stay the same,Always changing, maybe that’s good.I want to understand where my world is going.I want to see the path before me,All I can see is what’s behind,Success and fortunate circumstances.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

So, I think of you all the time, can’t seem to clear your image.
I wonder if you’d want to know me the way I want to know you.
It seems so crazy the way I obsess.
The voices keep you going, keep you alive.
Will they ever die, will you ever go away?

It keeps me from living, from breathing on my own.
Somehow, I’m still here even without you.
Can you breathe without me?
Of course you can, I don’t affect you the same as you do me.

You haven’t seen me; you don’t know me at all.
You see, we’ve never met except in my head.
If we were in the same room, would you notice me at all?
I doubt it, I blend to easy, no different than all the rest.

I hope this doesn’t scare you, but I admire everything you do.
I wish I knew you, then, maybe I could get you out of my head.

Maybe you would disappear from my thoughts, my dreams.

Or maybe you’d love me.Maybe tonight when I dream, you won’t be there
and I can wake up happy, instead of in a state of
longing for someone I can't have -- could never have.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

April 18, 2007Aquarius (1/23-2/22)One of your favorite older relatives is learning a new way of communicating with you, and the process may require a great deal of your patience! Help this family member along with encouraging words, and offer a few pointers on making the transition as seamless as possible. Also make sure to say how much you appreciate the extra effort that this person is expending simply in order to keep up with what is going on in your life.

....... I just invited my family to my blog -- How Creepy!!!!

Comment from my Dad --

"This is weird for me to. I have never signed onto a blog before. I am glad to finally hear from you. Tell me more about your schooling. I understand that it will be online. this is different."

Monday, April 16, 2007

So it's been a while since I've written, I've been really busy and just haven't had time. I just set up a new way of doing this and I'm trying it out.

This is just an update on what's happening in my life, 'cause we all know how good I am at this. Two majors have changed: First, I moved to a new place with one roommate. My lease ended and the two girls I was living with went their separate ways, one got married and the other graduated and moved to San Francisco for a job. I was not interested in being responsible for the lease and getting new roommates, so I moved. It is only temporary, I have found a great place with even better roommates but I have to wait until the end of June to move in, so I found a sub-lease for the time being. Both are with LDS girls and much nicer than the place I was at and with cheaper rent!

Second: I found a better job and started March 26th, so I've been here a couple of weeks and it is already better. The position is NOT reception, YEAH!!!. We all know how much I love being on the phone, so this is much nicer. I am working for a Retail Shopping Mall development company called "Macerich". It is the second largest retail development company in the US, so the room for growth is enormous. I work in the environmental department as an Associate Assistant to the Manager of Environmental, I know long title but it’s a title. I actually have things to do --- All Day. At the last job, I was sitting waiting for the phone to ring because I was too efficient and they didn’t have enough work for me. The pay is great, $ 37,500.00 per year and room to move. There are also stock options, company shares, and great benefits, which kick in immediately, not like in Canada where you have to wait your 3-6 months probation period. So Nice!!

I’ve also started socializing with the Single Group here. They’re a nice group and I’ve actually made some new friends. This has been a little weird, having to go back out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. I’ve never considered myself as shy but in this situation, I just wait it out until I have almost become a hermit, then I go, put myself smack in the middle of it and go completely crazy. I’m really going to try not to do that this time and just be myself, ‘cause I’m a pretty great girl.

Any way, that’s what’s happening here. The weather is beautiful, a little overcast today, but still warm.

Oh, I finally bought a laptop, it’s a Toshiba Satellite and an All-in-one printer/scanner and I’m finally starting online school in May. YEAH!!!!!! My paycheck allows me to pay for it as I go.Things are coming together and it’s all good.

Monday, March 5, 2007

I want more out of this life I'm livin',I need a change, happiness can't find me here.I'm tired of being sad, of always being down,How can this be all I have to offer,How can this be all I get to be.

There's more out there for me -- I can feel it,I just can't find it, I just can't see it,I want more, I need more.

When I look back from this point,I know where I've grown, but into what?I see where I've been, steps I've taken,The circles I've been around & 'round,Mistakes made, lessons learned,But where have they gotten me?

There's more out there for me - I can feel it,I just can't find it, I just can't see it,I want more, I need more.

The tears keep comin' in the dark, in the light,Still, I don't know why they're here.It's been so long since you left to your new life,Left me behind - here all alone with out a cluehow to live, how to love, how to go on.

There's more out there for me - I can feel it,I just can't find it, I just can't see it,I want more, I need more.More than you got.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

..... to keep up with writing every day (or other day), but it's so hard without my own computer.

I'm not doing very well on the missionary schedule, which I haven't even started yet. This morning I got up at 6:30am and got to work at 8:00am -- a whole 1/2 an hour early. It's better than getting there at 8:25am like usual (I start at 8:30am). It was nice to have a few minutes to myself before taking the phone off night ring and starting my so-called day. Alas, I have nothing to really do today as Rick (my supervisor) isn't here. He and I had a conversation yesterday regarding my lack of tasks to keep me busy. He is trying to come up with some new things so I'm not bored. I get things so quickly that he, or anyone else in the office, can't keep up with me.

So I thought -- why not enter a blog --

I am doing well with reading the Book of Mormon though, I should give myself some credit. I have been reading on the way to work and home from work on the bus ride. I have 1/2 hour in the morning and 1 - 1 1/2 hours on the way home. I'm reading about 3 chapters a day and I started in Mosiah, which I don't think I have ever read on my own. Even in Seminary and Institute, I never read on my own, I only read in class. I've never studied the Book of Mormon or any of the scriptures. So now is as good a time as any.

On to new subjects -- I am moving in April to a new home,my current roommates are both moving out because the lease is done and Rachel is getting married and Jen is graduating and moving to Berkeley. The new place is closer to work and much nicer than the place I'm in now. My room is a great sized room with my own FULL bathroom and my own heater, double closets. It has new carpets and nicely painted walls, a new kitchen, is on a QUIET street -- no more Fire trucks at 3:00am-- and with roommates my age -- YEAH!!!!!

Their names are Heather and Joy, Heather is a member and Joy is still thinking about it, she is trying to find a Christian Church to join where she feels welcome and a part of the congregation. I don't know if she has actually been to church with Heather, but maybe when I get there we can go together. Also, I think I may change wards and go with Heather to the family ward she attends. She says their are a group of single adults in her ward and that would be so nice to finally make some friends who are keepers.

I'm going to the Dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned and get my filling re-done. Also going to get X-Rays to find out how much it will cost to get my wisdom teeth removed. I'm hoping they can just pull them instead of having to put me under. I might still go to see a Dentist I have in my ward, Dr. Alex Mathiessen, he is with UCLA Dental Care and he might be able to just extract them for me. We'll see what happens, I just really want them out !!!!

I thought I might recall some of my more profound comments from this blog (Andrew's Blog) which got me started on my own blog. These entries are important because I related so well to this guy. He is a singer in a favorite band of mine and he was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (Cancer) in August of 2005. I used his blog in a sense as therapy for dealing with my own mother's battle and eventual loss to Breast Cancer when I was 16 yrs. old in 1989.

Here are some of my comments . . . .

August 2, 2005 --It always amazes me how we can find out just how strong we really are when faced with such challenges. I was just listening to ‘Bruised’ and I may have a new favorite, it’s weird though, I had the blog site stream on in the background and it seemed to fit as background noise. It gave me some chills :)

I agree about the world around us being in constant circular motion, funny thing is it never stops for us to catch up. I always thought the title ‘Everything In Transit’ meant the transition our lives go through as it changes with or without our knowledge or permission. Everything sometimes seems to end up completely opposite of where we would want it until we are there, in the thick of it, and realize this is where we should have been headed all along.I know, a very long thought, 'but it’s true, for the most part'.

There are a few comments here requesting you write a book, well I agree; although, I think it should be a book of poetry. The way you put words together in a sentence is pure eloquence. There is so much said using so little words, what you say indirectly is easily conveyed.It seems you are coming around a very long bend in this road you are on and the sun is shining and sky is clearing. The warmth is enveloping you and the smiles are true. Enjoy this feeling of triumph, for it will only get stronger as your body starts to heal and once again work properly. It is true, these trials in our lives can hold us down if we let them, the trick, however, is to not. For every bad and negative experience, the lessons can be 100 fold if we embrace them and learn what we can. I know you know this; it is evident in yours words and presentation. Keep this attitude; it is what makes you strong.

Your words have inspired me greatly, more than I can convey.

December 21, 2005 --Oh, the sound of a humming dryer, it is glorious and somewhat transfixing. You can slowly go into a wonderful trance while listening to a dryer do its work. The scent of the drying clothes is quite mind numbing as well.

The holidays are my favorite and least favorite time of year. Living in Calgary, Alberta, we get extremely cold weather, so winter 'anything' is not a favorite. However, this year, it seems we may have a brown Christmas with temperatures above freezing. It’s absolutely marvelous. If I haven’t been completely clear --- I abhor cold weather, snow, ice and wind chills. I don’t know if anyone really enjoys these elements of our atmosphere, some just tolerate it better than I do.Christmas is a great excuse to spend real time with family and friends you don’t get to see very often. Not that we should need an excuse, but it’s a great one. I’m lucky this year in that I don’t have to travel very far.

Plastic trees are the best, you can have them up longer then real ones and there aren’t any needles to clean up later. Did you know they have plastic trees scented with evergreen now?? This seems crazy and cool at the same time. Mine is plastic with White lights,and Silver and clear decorations.

“Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough"

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom"

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever goodbye?""I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said.

"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?" She began to smile "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone".

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".

Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory --"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye." She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Friday, January 19, 2007

So, I guess I’m not doing very well with this writing everyday thing. I always have been bad at it.

Any way, life goes on.

Since my last entry, several things have happened. First and foremost, I moved to Los Angeles, California finally. I live in West Hollywood and work in Santa Monica, which isn’t as far as you might think seeming how they are two cities within the city of LA. I work about a half hours drive from home on a good traffic day. I work at an Architectural Consulting firm as a Project Administrator, which is really a glorified receptionist. Some days it’s great, others, not so much. (It’s weird every time I use the phrase – “not so much” I think of the show ‘Mad About You’ and Paul Riser – thought I would put that silly little tidbit in there). I’ve been there a month and I feel as if I don’t much yet and they don’t trust me with any actual responsibility. Hopefully that changes and soon; I don't what I’ll do if it doesn’t, it pays really well and it has potential if they would just utilize my skills and strengths. My fellow co-workers are pretty nice but it seems they are cautious; my position has had 4 girls in it in the past year and 3 of them were temps so they haven’t really welcomed me into the fold, so to speak.

Any way, life is good most days, I haven’t really made any lasting friendships, but I also haven’t really tired. I go to the UCLA ward in the chapel behind the LA Temple. It’s very nice living so close to the Temple and no I haven’t taken full advantage to being so close. My ward is a combination of young married and first year UCLA students. Our Bishop (Loveless) is a great man. It’s weird I don’t really fit in there, but feel completely out of place in the family ward, but I keep going. It’s not the people; it’s the spirit I’m looking for. I’ve started reading the missionary handbook – ‘Preach My Gospel’. I’m going to try living as if I were a missionary with those same standards. I realize I should already be doing this, but I haven’t, so my making a game of it. My schedule will only change slightly but the contents of said schedule will be very different. I’m going to try to get up earlier so I can say my prayers, workout out at least ½ hour and then study the handbook with the scriptures, have breakfast, then get ready for work, go to work, come home, have dinner, and then study some more before going to bed. I think if I surround myself with good works and thoughts, it will make being righteous easier – I hope. I still have a hard time with it because I’m not doing everything I can and in my power like I promised I would. Things get out of control so fast sometimes that I don't catch myself until it's almost too late and I don't want that to happen again.

I also have selfish reasons -- I want a relationship with a man, I want to get married again, in the Temple, and I feel like I won't have the opportunity unless I am being the kind of girl (woman) that worthy LDS men want. I need to be who I want. Does that make sense??