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Mardi-har-har

An old college roommate stopped by my house the other night. Not old as in
"80 years old," but old as in "he was always asking for money, and it got really
old." I couldnâ€™t remember his name, but fortunately he started talking first
when I answered the door. "Hey, Shredder Man, I need a favor."

I blanched at the nickname and started to hide my wallet.

â€œNo, I donâ€™t need money,â€? he said. â€œActually, I do need money, but thatâ€™s not
why I stopped by. Actually, that is why I stopped by, but I also need your
advice. Have you looked at your paper lately? Have you seen the Mardi Gras
ad?â€?

I had to admit that I hadnâ€™t. While I often write about stuff I learn about
from other people who work here, the last time I actually picked up a copy of
New Times was sometime in 2003, and that was to swat at a moth that had come
inside and then decided it wanted to be outside, but couldnâ€™t figure out how to
open the screen door.

Turns out my former roommate was worried that he might never see his mom
again, which is a dilemma that certainly wouldnâ€™t keep me awake at night. Still,
he hadnâ€™t asked for money again, so I tried to keep him off the subject as long
as possible by asking why he was so concerned. I furrowed my brow like I see
people do on TV when theyâ€™re listening intently.

Seems New Times ran an ad last week saying that out-of-town visitors wouldnâ€™t
be welcome on Mardi Gras weekend, which is when his mom was planning to stop by.
She was driving all the way from Redding to see him, and he was worried that she
would get turned away at the top of Cuesta Grade and would never forgive him or
speak to him again, which was awful, because he needed money.

Nonsense, I said, cursing myself for letting the subject get back to
finances. I furrowed my brow a little more so he could see that I was genuinely
concerned. It worked.

â€œLook what else it says,â€? he said. He handed me a copy of the New Times so I
could read it myself, then proceeded to read it out loud to me, over my
shoulder, which really bugs me, even though I do it to people too: â€œGatherings
on streets, sidewalks and parking lots near campus and downtown will not be
allowed.â€?

â€œMy mom and I were going to round up about a dozen of my cousins who live
around here and we were all finally going to see â€˜Sidewaysâ€™ at the Palm. We
agreed to meet in front of the library and then all walk down together. Do you
think that constitutes a gathering? The last thing I need right now is for my
84-year-old mother to get pepper sprayed or shot with a beanbag. I saw those
pictures last year of the girl with the black eye, and she said she wasnâ€™t even
doing anything wrong. What should I do?â€?

I had stopped listening about his concern for innocent bystanderism because I
started reading the ad myself. Violation costs will be tripled citywide. Student
violators face possible expulsion. The ad doesnâ€™t say which violations are
expulsion-worthy, but you can bet that violations of SLO sensibilities, which
are sometimes so uptight they make common decency look like porn, are high on
the list.

What really got me, though, was the note at the bottom, which attributed the
message to â€œThe Community of San Luis Obispo.â€? I certainly donâ€™t remember anyone
asking me what I thought, and Iâ€™m a part of this community. Iâ€™ve been a part of
this community for much longer than most parts of this community, Iâ€™ll
wager.

At this point, I was so upset that I rolled up the newspaper and shooed my
former roommate out the door like he was a moth. â€œYour mom is welcome to stay
here,â€? I said, before I realized what I was saying. Iâ€™ve got to stop doing
that.

â€œBut she doesnâ€™t need a place to stay,â€? he said.

â€œWell, then thatâ€™s settled. Good luck with the police.â€?

I booted up my computer and went to check out the web site also listed in the
ad: MardiGrasSlo.com. Aside from some really tacky design work, I didnâ€™t see
anything intended to deter out-of-town visitors from visiting. Whatâ€™s up with
calling them out-of-town visitors anyway? There arenâ€™t out-of-town residents or
in-town visitors. I was really steamed.

I canâ€™t imagine what downtown business owners think of this attempt to keep
visitors from pouring into town on one of the biggest tourist weekends of the
year. Actually, I can imagine what they think, but I canâ€™t print it here because
I donâ€™t want to get thrown out of town for using bad words and violating
heightened moral principles if someone finds and reads this column on the one
weekend itâ€™s not okay to do so.

The ad also says that violence and property damage will not be tolerated. As
far as I know, SLO police, and most police everywhere for that matter, hardly
tolerate even the appearance of violence and property damage throughout the
year. Thatâ€™s why they take down people indiscriminately in riots. If you didnâ€™t
want to get hurt while trying to exit a scene that unexpectedly turned ugly, you
shouldnâ€™t have been hanging out with people who make trouble and raise rabble in
the first place.

Parading nearly 400 law enforcement officers around town that weekend seems
like a bad idea, unless they need that many to check IDs to make sure everyone
on the street has a San Luis zip code, which I doubt. Iâ€™m not saying alcohol and
disrespect arenâ€™t contributing factors to past problems, but the â€œeveryoneâ€™s a
felonâ€? attitude some cops have certainly doesnâ€™t defuse any tension, nor does
transforming SLO into a police state.

The theme of this yearâ€™s celebration is â€œmetamorphosis,â€? however, so maybe
itâ€™s the image theyâ€™re going for. Everyone will stay home and be quiet in their
little cocoons, and the few stragglers who just donâ€™t get it will flutter in to
be shooed back out or squashed flat.