When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A new Orthodox mission was praying Small Compline every Wednesday and Saturday night. One member had printed out copies that had the different parts colored differently. He had missed one typo but the placement of that typo almost spelled disaster for the service.

"He had delivered us from the moth of Hades and bestowed great mercy upon the world."

The member's 13 year old son was there and found that typo amusing. His amusement was pretty contagious and afterwards there was quite a bit of talk about moths of Hades and casting a movie about it, etc. Even now with the typo fixed, some of us can't suppress a grin when we come to that part.

Once a bishop was serving a liturgy. When coming out of the altar, he stumbled over his vestments and rolled down the stairs, with his mitre rolling merrily away to the feet of the people. When he rose to his feet, his staff caught a lady's skirt and lifted it.

At this point the clergy on the altar burst into laughter.

The bishop muttered angrily to them, "We will talk about this later." However, during the meal after the Divine Liturgy. His Grace just remarked, "After all, it went well, even with my little stumble."

So there is this atheist strolling through the woods on a nature walk and after a while he comes across this big grizzly bear. The man takes off running and the bear goes after him. He looks behind him and the bear is gaining on him, when he trips over a log and falls flat on his face. He turns over and the bear is looming above him ready to rip him to shreds. The atheist calls out "Oh dear God!" and all of a sudden time stops. Its quiet and the bear is frozen in mid swipe.

A voice comes from the Heavens saying, "All your life you have spoken against Me, saying I do not exist, leading My people astray. Now here, in your hour of peril you call upon My name."

The atheist says, "God, I realize that my request was hypocritical, so rather than ask you to spare me through a miracle, I ask only this this bear here acts with Christian charity."

Instantly time begins again. The forest comes to life again and the bear lowers its paw and looks down at the atheist. The bear gets a pleasant and thoughtful look on it's face and puts it's paws together in prayer, "Oh Lord, I thank thee for this bountiful blessing you have given unto me..."

There two cranky old men who were neighbors, one was a Christian and the other an atheist. They used to argue and pest each other every day over religion.

One day, the Christian old man woke up and when he went to his door to get the newspaper he found a basket filled with breakfast items of best quality. He thanked God for the gift with a prayer and then the atheist jumped out of a bush and shouted:

"You stupid old man, thanking God for that as He would materialize it on your porch. I put it there to prove to you that there are no miracles! What do you say now that you know that what you think comes from God are just natural causes?"

The Christian old man just continued:

"Thank you God for your gifts, and congratulations for making your silly enemies pay for them!"

3) You got white folks, black folks, even Democrats in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.

2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.

AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:

1) You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!

Maria--Would you please give me the link to Fr. Joseph's blog so that I can add it to your original post? Also, would you the same for each post that has a source? I was thinking that there are number of other jokes that should be properly sourced, with an Internet link: for example, Which Is The Tradition, From Orthodoxie Blog, etc... Thanks. Second Chance

3) You got white folks, black folks, even Democrats in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.

2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.

AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:

1) You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!

Maria--Would you please give me the link to Fr. Joseph's blog so that I can add it to your original post? Also, would you the same for each post that has a source? I was thinking that there are number of other jokes that should be properly sourced, with an Internet link: for example, Which Is The Tradition, From Orthodoxie Blog, etc... Thanks. Second Chance

When I clicked the link that I originally had, I got the homepage. Unfortunately, there is no search function at that forum.If you wish to delete the jokes from Orthodixie, please feel free to do so as I just noticed that he has a copyright.

Some of the other sources for my jokes are not on the internet anymore while others were submitted from other posters who are from another forum. Do you want the link to that competitive forum?

At this point I would like to publicly thank Maria for the great job she did in sourcing her posts. Maria--you make our job as moderators a pleasure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Second Chance

At this point I would like to publicly thank Maria for the great job she did in sourcing her posts. Maria--you make our job as moderators a pleasure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Second Chance

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found. Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

There was once a Sunday class learning about the book of Numbers, how the children of Israel had a census taken twice, how the children of Israel organized the camp, the miracles that the children of Israel saw, the sacrifices that the children of Israel made. Finally the teacher saw a hand raised and asked, "Yes, you have a question?" The student replied, "Yeah, how come the children of Israel are doing all the work, and the parents do not do anything?"

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found. Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found. Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

1.The bandage was wound around the wound.2.The farm was used to produce produce.3.The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.4.We must polish the Polish furniture.5.He could lead if he would get the lead out.6.The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7.Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .8.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9.When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10.I did not object to the object.11.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12.There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.13.They were too close to the door to close it.14.The buck does funny things when does are present.15.A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16.To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17.The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18.Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.19.After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.20.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21.I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.22.How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Here is yet another English handout. (again, there was no credit given and several professors passed these out).

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat (brains). We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Whosoever will be saved, before all things it is necessary that he hold the catholic faith; Which faith except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish everlastingly. And the catholic faith is this: That we worship one God in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity