Sheen was interviewed in his backyard Monday afternoon by TMZ‘s Mike Walters, and against all requisites for media decency, the almost hour-long extravaganza was streamed live on the celebrity entertainment site.

As you might imagine, the actor had a lot to say. Wearing head-to-toe black and chain-smoking like a champ, Sheen appeared next to Walters in front of an outdoor bar or kitchen, with his two “goddesses” and two male friends sitting nearby (and within earshot) .

Now, NewsFeed doesn’t recommend taking advice from Sheen, who seemed at times both calm and aggravated throughout the entire interview, but we couldn’t resist reliving some of the most interesting moments from the interview:

On parenting:
Although none of Sheen’s five kids appeared in the interview (thankfully), he said that they were, “In there… somewhere. They’re running into walls, but they’re screaming ‘dada’ while they’re doing it.”

When asked what Sheen would say if his twin sons told him that they wanted to drink, Sheen replied that he would rather them drink within the house, you know, for safety reasons. But doing harder drugs like cocaine is out of the question: “There’s no room for it, no place for it, no victory with that drug. They wouldn’t survive it, and that’s the bottom line.”

Regardless, just like any doting dad, Sheen does hope to lead by example.“If my right and wrong is different than everybody else’s, then my kids are just going to be different. I mean, they are already different, because they’re my kids.”

On his media appearances:

Sheen’s interviews with Today was aired this morning, and apparently it didn’t live up to his expectations. He called the interview “predictable,” but blamed himself for re-entering the media landscape in that type of environment. “That’s on me, because my inner voice speaks to trust me always. It’s never wrong and every time I go against it I lose.”

So how would Sheen prefer to be interviewed? We’re glad you asked: “See, I want to be interviewed by Nick Swisher in Yankee Stadium because that’s an arena I’m going to win in, that’s an arena he’s going to win in.” Someone, somewhere should set that up for him.

On his status at the WB:

After Sheen announced last week that he would still arrive for work even though the rest of the season would be canceled, he said, “They issued a warning to all the security guys at Warner Brothers [saying] not to let me in.”

(Hmm… we wonder why?)

On his “goddesses”:

When Walters asked where Sheen met his “goddesses”, who not only brought him drinks (obviously non-alcoholic) during the interview, but also were continuously adding their two cents in the background (and even giving a shout-out to mom and dad at one point), he said: “People don’t deserve to know because they’ll just come out with stupidity and jealousy, and say, ‘He’s a winner, and I’m a loser.'”

On the show:

While Sheen maintained that he would gladly sign a four-year contract requiring him to be sober so that he could return to filming Two and a Half Men (“Bring it”), he honestly seemed perplexed as to how things went so awry.

“I’m just looking for answers,” he said. “I don’t understand what I did wrong, except live a life that they all got jealous of… Chuck [Lorre] hasn’t even had the decency to call me. Let’s work it out in the creative environment, not the legal environment.”

Watch Part One of the interview above, and if you’re still yearning for more, head over to TMZ.com for Part Two. (via TMZ)