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July 30, 2012

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Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

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While in Israel, Mitt Romney declared that preventing Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons "must be our highest national security priority." "Pakistan, Afghanistan, North Korea, those are all things we can tie onto the roof of the car."

Experts say expanding health insurance coverage may lead to a shortage of doctors. Causing doctors to remember the good old days when there was just a shortage of poor people.

A Peruvian teen who shot off his penis will be getting a new one thanks to reconstructive surgery. Not to mention the guy who didn't care how nonspecific the term "organ donor" is.

According to a new poll, just 44 percent of Americans say they have "great trust in the church or organized religion." "Wait, why would anyone not trust organized religion?...Oh no, I have made a terrible error," said this guy.

Rapper Snoop Dogg has been banned from Norway for two years for having eight grams of marijuana on him. Norway was pretty upset and disillusioned that that's all he had on him.

A noted global warming skeptic now says, "Humans are almost entirely the cause" of climate change. Much like how humans paying him was almost entirely the cause of his early skepticism.

Congress is investigating alleged abuses at a military hospital in Afghanistan with “Auschwitz-like” conditions. On the bright side, Afghanistan will get to cash in on the morbid tourist industry in the next decade or two.

A German U-boat has been discovered off the coast of New England. Researchers discovered it while trying to find the Boston Red Sox in the standings.

The New York Times reported that Apple is considering a "strategic investment" in Twitter. Apple especially likes that most people who keep Twitter running aren't getting paid.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is donating $2.5 million to help legalize gay marriage in Washington state. And if voters in Washington like gay marriage, they might also like universal health care, free college education or "The Help" on Blu-ray.