Nation Suddenly Realises Kerry Katona is Pointless

"Kerry flamin' Katona not a celebrity? I could've told you that, you dingbat!"

In an unprecedented, collective moment of clarity, Great Britain has finally recognised that chubby, whiny non-celebrity Kerry Katona is an utter waste of space.

According to reports, the penny dropped at around 10.30pm on Sunday night.

"Oh my God - she's actually famous! How on earth did that happen?" the country exclaimed after sitting, slack-jawed, through Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love on MTV. "I guess we all need to take a long hard look at ourselves."

First there was the much publicised split from popular girlband fluff Atomic Kitten. Then the obligatory purgatory in the jungle eating crocodile cock, before a triumphant return to front advertisements for a budget supermarket with reformed smackhead Jason Donovan, during which Katona pranced around the frozen food aisles like a cut-rate Eliza Doolittle shoving tepid vol-au-vents into her fat, unrefined, Scouse gob.

Still the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland watched in sofa-slumped apathy, through a glut of reality shows highlighting her earthy "charm" and OK Magazine cover-stories sycophantically lauding laughable awards like "Mother of the Year" despite Katona's well-publicised habit of drinking and taking drugs during pregnancy - not to mention her hapless brood of infants sired by lantern-skulled Irish warblers and Neanderthal, uncouth yobbos.

Resolutely, Britain decided to pull its socks up and refuse to endorse any further attempts by this craven nobody to worm her way back into public affections. "We'll have her stacking shelves at Iceland where she belongs any day now," the country said in a statement. "Let this be a warning to all attention-seekers that we will not tolerate undeserving celebrity non-entities any longer."

At press-time however the nation was still blissfully unaware of the fact that Sharon Osborne is a scrawny, shrieky bint, and was last seen crowding round a copy of heat magazine, earnestly deconstructing her performance at the Brit awards and wondering if she'd had any plastic surgery recently.

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