Purple Sunday  The day when shoppers go back to the stores and line up at the customer-service counters in a futile attempt to return merchandise they bought on Black Friday because they just saw the items advertised for less somewhere else.

Red Saturday  The day when consumers try to find boxes that will fit over gifts enclosed in oddly shaped packaging, which cannot be wrapped by themselves because the paper keeps tearing on the sharp edges of the clamshell plastic.

Blue Tuesday  The second Tuesday in December, when you hear "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" for the 347th time and think maybe you should just sit in the garage with the engine running.

Olive Tuesday Evening  Same day, a little later, when you decide to have two or three stiff martinis instead. Maybe four.

Oy Vey! Day  Dec. 12  the anniversary of the day you had a small holiday get-together at which your Uncle Ron, having been introduced to your neighbor Marty Aronowitz, immediately started trying to prove he's not anti-Semitic by going on about how much he admires the Jews, especially how good they are with money  and that Jackie Mason guy too, he's hilarious.

Pretend-to-Have-Something-in-Your-Eye 9:55 p.m. Dec. 17  The moment you choke up at the end of "It's a Wonderful Life" even though you've seen it more times than your own reflection, and besides you only turned it on in the first place to watch Nick the Bartender say, "Out you two pixies go  through the door, or out the window!"

Baby-Diarrhea-Green Third Full Week in December  The dread-filled period leading up to the office Christmas party.

Barking Night  The night the neighbors illuminate their holiday lawn decorations, causing your dog to stare out the window and bark like a maniac whenever the animatronic reindeer move.

Self-Righteous Saturday  The day for smugly resisting the relentless pressure to embrace crass materialism and instead seeking out those socially conscious gifts that nobody actually wants.

Oh-Heck Day  Remember the holiday party with your cousins  the one you were supposed to bring a $10 gift to, for the Dirty Santa gift exchange? Yeah, didn't think so. It was last night, by the way. Jerk.

Laughing Hysterically (and Not in a Nice Way) Sunday  The day for reading the annual Christmas letter from Joel, your old college roommate.

Throwing Things Thursday  The traditional day for discovering two-thirds of the Christmas light strings that were working perfectly fine when you took them down last year no longer function, for some inexplicable [expletive] reason, which means you have to drive to the [expletive] store  which is going to be a [expletive] madhouse, by the [expletive] way  one more [expletive] time which makes it, what, the fourth time this week already? Expletive.

I-Give-Up Day  Technically, the night of Dec. 24 after the children have gone to bed, when you take out those presents requiring "some" assembly and attempt to put them together quickly, ha ha ha. Falls on a Monday this year.

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•12/13/12: Gun control, ad infinitum
•12/11/12: Fracking can help fix the CO2 problem
•12/06/12: Let's open the door to lots more immigration
•12/04/12: Who's watching the kids? Just about everyone
•11/29/12: The Real Middle-Class Champion was Mocked and Opposed
•11/26/12: It's time to cut a deal on the budget
•11/20/12: The case for a carbon tax
•11/15/12: Cue the hysterics. Reports of Democracy's Death Greatly Exaggerated
•11/07/12: The $4,000 Trash Can: We need regulation, but not this much
•10/23/12: The Ballad of Islamist Rage Boy
•10/17/12: Undermining the values that enable people in poverty to escape it? Sadly, yes
•10/11/12: How Much Is This Tax Cut Gonna Cost Me, Doc?
•10/04/12: Warrantless spying skyrockets under Obama
•08/20/12: The wrong side absolutely must not win
•08/14/12: America was not built on dirt alone
•08/02/12: Libs Discover Their Inner Cheney
•07/30/12: Feds want to help you --- whether you want help or not
•07/23/12: Barack Obama, Storyteller-in-Chief
•07/23/12: Nation's worst outsourcer? You
•07/19/12: Listen up, America: You need to knuckle under
•07/12/12: Obama, Romney: As Different as Two Peas in a Pod
•07/05/12: Are teenagers big children --- or little adults?
•06/25/12: Minorities treated as mere numbers
•06/21/12: Memo to the the Little Guy: Seemingly innocuous activity could bring the federal hammer down out of a clear blue sky
•06/19/12: We mustn't let America be buffaloed
•05/31/12: Drop and Give Uncle Sam 20
•05/15/12: The feds would like to know if you enjoyed that video
•05/03/12: Obama inspires: 'America --- Still Not as Bad Off as Venezuela!'
•04/26/12: It's everyone's favorite time of year again
•03/29/12: GOP disillusionment is a good thing
•03/27/12: Just what America needs: more red tape
•03/20/12: Nation wondering: what happening to language?
•02/21/12: Culture warriors resort to propaganda
•02/15/12: Step away from that cookie and grab some air
•02/08/12: Lessons in heresy
•02/01/12: Do We Really Need Pickle-Flavored Potato Chips?
•01/11/12: Shut up, they explained
•12/30/11: A Modest Proposal: Let's Ban All Sports!
•12/26/11: A Christmas letter from the Obamas
•02/24/11: Will the next Watson need us?
•12/24/10: Here Are Some Good Gifts for People You Hate
•06/15/10: The Presinator
•05/26/10: More than equal
•04/08/10: Angry Right Takes a Page From Angry Left but guess who is ugly?
•02/16/10: Either Obama owes George W. Bush an apology, or he owes the rest of us a very good explanation for his about-face on wiretapping
•02/03/10: Talkin' to us 'tards
•01/27/10: I never thought I'd see the day when progressives would howl in ragebecause the Supreme Court said government should not ban books
•01/07/10: Gun-Control Advocates Play Fast and Loose
•12/31/09: Nearly everything progressives say about neoconservative interventionism abroad applies to their own preferred policies at home