Playtex Introduces 'Revolutionary' New Tampon

Feminine care product manufacturer Playtex unveiled a 'truly revolutionary' brand of tampon yesterday with the introduction of the Playtex Omega.

According to the Omega’s documentation, the new menstrual plug’s radically innovative, super absorbent blend of synthetic, hypoallergenic cellulose based lyocell and rayon fibers will liberate the pre-menopause woman of the 21st century from the oppression of having to replace her tampon several times a day during her period without risking the development of toxic shock syndrome, a potentially deadly hazard common to the retention of conventional tampons for durations exceeding four to eight hours.

"Comparable to the revolutionary impact Gandhi, Tom Payne and Martin Luther King Jr. had on the times in which they lived, the Omega will redefine the way women manage the termination of their monthly cycle," Playtex spokesman Chad Robinson proclaimed, "Not since Dr. Earle Haas first envisioned an insertable cotton pad to stanch the flow of menstrual blood in 1929 has tampon technology made such a great leap forward."

From its contoured, "No Slip Grip" applicator to the carefree, 360° no-leak coverage its patented fiber composition guarantees for up to twelve hours regardless of flow volume, the importance of what Playtex has achieved for women of child-bearing age will likely take years to fully appreciate.

“It’s a victory over tyranny. It’s a victory over terror. No longer shall our mothers, wives, sisters and girlfriends have to suffer the monthly subjugation of frequent pad changing trips to the restroom, or the haunting anxiety that their tampon will let them down in public,” Robinson sermonized, adding, “Thanks to the Omega, today’s menstruating woman can wear white and dance all night.”

Although not reticent over employing the term ‘revolutionary’ to describe their new product, Playtex has been compelled to address any possible concerns or misunderstandings the public might harbor over the etymology of their marketing campaign.

“Like the Rose Revolution in Georgia in 2003 or the Orange Revolution in the Ukraine a year later, the Omega Revolution will be a bloodless triumph for the people. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that there is absolutely no risk of any vaginas being communized by our product,” declared Playtex Vice President of Marketing Samantha Burns in an interview with Marie Claire magazine.