7 Kitchen Items You Can Fuck In A Pinch

They say that food is the way to a man’s heart – but really, it’s the way to a man’s dick. And sometimes another person isn’t even necessary, because men can get all horny around the mere thought of food.

Which brings us to this helpful list of 7 items floating around your kitchen you can solo fuck when the mood strikes.

1. Sandwich Bag Full of Jello

Honestly, you don’t even need a sandwich bag for this, just some plastic wrap and some jello packages. Or gelatin. If you’re one of those culturally sensitive folks who aren’t into gelatin, then you can use puddin’ too. To get the full Bill Cosby experience you can jerk off in front of a jury of your peers.

2. That Slutty Toaster

Sometimes you just need a warm hole to poke your meat stick into, and when a hole isn’t available a rectangular slot will work too. Just dial it down to ‘2,’ or pump it up to ‘5’ if you’re brave. Lube with margarine or butter for added effect.

3. Fuck, Those Tongs Look Hot

You can ‘dutch rudder’ yourself and make it feel like you’re getting jacked off by a primitive robot just by blindfolding yourself and having at it with a pair of aluminum tongs. Or you can take things to the next level and act like you’re being molested by one of Da Vinci crazy early steam-punk robots with some fancy wooden salad tongs instead. It’s up to you, tong-fucker.

4. Waffle Iron/Panini Press

Sometimes the toaster just isn’t tight enough. So crank up the heat, slam the lid on your dick and get pumping. If you have a waffle iron, you can even whip up some of your body’s own natural batter and make ‘special’ breakfast later!

5. Did That Meat Thermometer Wink At You?

Sometimes it’s not about fucking the objects but about the objects fucking you, and if you can’t understand that then you have a lot to learn about both life and your own body.

6. Rubber Spatula Wants You To Lick The Bowl

If you don’t like the numbers coming out of the meat thermometer, then why not slather that rubber spatula up with some icing and slide it up your black hole sun. If you prefer surprises, you can also use a wooden spatula and spend the next few days picking splinters out of your colon.

7. Wok or Deep Fryer

Finally, sometimes your droopy boys need some tickling too, so why not boil up some oil and dip your balls in it? It’s just like being in one of those hard-core BDSM pornos, but all by yourself!