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for christmas 2013, one of my dad's gifts was something called "dear daughter.. a journal of a lifetime"

it is a hardback empty book that contains around 60 questions that are there to provoke a memory, a story, an idea, a thought.. basically an answer.

i fill the book in and give it back to my dad once it's completed and he can keep it forever to look back on or to share :)

i thought it was such a lovely idea and so cute.

i think i thought it was going to be easier to complete than i am finding it.

some questions are so thought provoking and i want it to be absolutely perfect. I also have a tendency to go on and on.. which is a little problem when i only have one small page per question. Baring in mine these aren't your simple questions such as, favourite colour, band, song, date of birth.

for example i'll tell you some of the questions and my reason for contemplating so much on what i'm going to write. i've bought a notepad to write everything out first before writing it into the book. page after page has been ripped out and tossed into the bin as of yet.

here are some of the questions :

"tell me something about yourself that nobody else knows" - sounds easy right? WRONG! i am a very open person, i'm not private and i don't keep things tucked away safe inside my head to build up on me.. i open up and if not on here to everyone then to people i am the closest too. failing that; things that are supposed to be kept top secret are usually things you shouldn't have done with a friend or sibling so i have deemed this as one of the impossible questions!

"what's your earliest memories?" - I HAVE THE WORST MEMORY. honestly, so far my earliest memory happens to be in reception and from that point i remember nothing except a few fragments from school and even those are things i can't be 100% sure on whether they're actually my memories or things people have told me or i've seen on old videos and pictures. i'd say the age of around 12-13 is when i remember chunks. that's dreadful for a 20 year old girl! why is my memory so bad?

"where did you imagine your life to be at this point, have things gone to plan?" - NO. things have not gone to plan. hahaha

ahh it's not as bad as i'm making this out to be. i'm having loads of fun with it.. i just find myself coming to a standstill with some of them. i even find myself thinking so much things. it really has made my head whirl with thoughts, i've been in hospital for 2 and a half weeks and every nurse has commented on how quiet i've been or that i haven't been myself and theres nothing wrong.. i'm just daydreaming and in my own head so much.

i have jumped ahead of the book for a change and i'm in the section "future you"

for a long time, a good few years i have really focused on right now. i put off transplant for years and years because i was certain i could do something right now, i didn't want to look to the future and think "without transplant how long have i got left?"

last year when i decided transplant route was what i was going to go through with i had to, i had to look at the past and admit that there has been a big decline over the years even with improved treatments and compliance and added bits & bobs like niv, feeds etc. i had to look at right now and decide.. this is not what i want to do at 20 years old. i do not want to live my life dependant on fortnightly IV's, oxygen, feeds, costa del pearce, mum & dad.

i want my own life.

which brings me to where i'm actually going with all this..

future me.

my auto-pilot answer for what i want to happen in the next 10 years is: successful transplant & recovery, little rented house, car, sweet shop, happiness, marriage or long term relationship preferably with shaun, who i'm with now.

honest answer: i want to be healthier than i am now, i want to be happy, i want to be earning money, i want to have my own independance in a rented house, i want to still be in my relationship with shaun, i want to be financially stable.. i wouldn't mind if it was a struggle, i wouldn't mind if that sweet shop wasn't mine and i was on the till, i wouldn't mind if my car wasn't my beautiful black mini, i wouldn't mind if the transplant recovery wasn't an easy one and i had to fight and fight and fight.

i would because i have realised, looking at this new prospective and giving myself permission to view a future and not just the dreamworld one i usually gave. an honest hope, an honest want.

i realised, i want this future more than ever. i'm not so "if it happens, it happens" about it all anymore.

i am fully aware that i'm in no position to control what does happen but i just for the first time ever looking at this whole thing in a very real place.

i've been more than capable of coming home at the beginning of the week and i agreed to stay no less than another two weeks. i'm shovelling well over 3100 calories a day into this bag of bones body of mine to boost that result on the scales up by 9-10kg. i'm pushing myself on the bike and doing fitness sessions with mucularskeletal physios to boost posture, muscles and strenth by doing stretches, yoga, pillates and breathing exercises and i'm winning the battle with my niv (non invasive ventilator) every night and believe me i hate the damn thing but i'm doing it because i need that future! i really like the sound of it so much that i'm trying and trying and more motivated than i ever have been to work for it. i just hope the odds are in my favour.