Friday, May 2, 2014

Clear Sight Of This Moment, At Least

These are the frames I have ordered. As the guy who helped us said, "They match all the colors in your hair." Since there are about fifty colors in my hair, that would not be such a difficult thing to do. Jessie liked them fine. It was a bit stressful and sort of fun but after about forty-five minutes of that shit I just said, "I'm old. Who the fuck cares?" and I got those.
While we were sitting there, waiting for the nice guy to add up all the numbers for the GRAND TOTAL of what I was going to have to pay for one pair of regular glasses and one pair of sunglasses (free frames!) I went rummaging through my wallet and found this.

I must have pulled that out of my mother's stuff and stuck it in my wallet for some unknown reason. I think I was eleven or twelve in that picture and quite frankly, except for the whole hideous process of aging, I think I look about the damn same although hopefully, I do have better taste in clothing. And those glasses I was wearing?

Totally back in style and all hipster and shit.

Looking at that child, you'd never know she was being terrorized by her stepfather several nights a week, would you?

Yeah, well, not what I came here to talk about. Not this evening, anyway.

So I ordered the glasses and was told they're going to take 7-10 business days to get here because of the complexity of my prescription and that's going to be pushing it before I leave for Mexico but the world won't end if they don't get here in time. This I do know.

One of the reasons I got stressed out at the glasses place was that I knew that Jessie had a timeframe and was supposed to meet Melissa for lunch and then a realtor to look at some houses and that Vergil was going to be joining us. As time dragged on and I couldn't make up my mind and then when I DID make up my mind and it took another forty-five minutes to do the actual ordering and measuring of my pupil distance and so forth, I got very anxious.

"It'll be fine, Mama," Jessie kept saying, meanwhile texting and making calls to try and rearrange things and so forth. I love my children so much. They know me so well and in so many ways are much like I am. Jessie was stressing out that I was stressing out and we laughed about that as we drove to lunch.

We went to Fanny's because of course. Vergil and Greta were there and so was Melissa and May was our server and then Mr. Moon showed up to join us. We sat outside at first because it wasn't, for the moment, raining.

It was lovely. Gray and soft and all the trees and the grass and the flowers showing up against that pewter. And those sweeties.

And this sweetie.

He had no idea his sleeve was tucked up but instead of pulling it down for him, I just left it where it was because I was enjoying the view. The man does go to the gym regularly.

"Quit taking my picture," he said. "You have a million pictures of me."

"You're just so handsome," I told him.

And he said something dismissive and it sort of hurt my feelings because why wouldn't he believe me and then I thought of how I do the same thing to him when he compliments me and then I just cried a little because I love him so much and he is so handsome and I feel so old and wonder why he still loves me but mostly because I just love him and it's all so complex, it's all so tied up and yet, at the same time, so simple if I just concentrate on the moment which is that here we are and we love each other and I don't have to time-trip, either backwards or forwards; I don't have to do that. I don't have to rue what time has done to either of us and I don't have to fret about what may come because this moment is what we have.

The kids had to take their food to go because they were late to their appointment with the realtor and it began to rain and so Mr. Moon and I moved to the porch of Fanny's and we ate our delicious food and from where I sat I could see him and the rain and the water falling into the little reflection pool and I could smell all of the blooming roses, wild and untrained and a glory this year, and I felt mesmerized and the rain fell as softly as the tap-taps of a baby kitten's velvet paw and I thought about how we don't really have to go out of town to find moments like this away from our home. Not really.

As with roses, we should gather them while we may.

I'm at home now, waiting for him to get back from work and the rain is falling again, and again, softly. I still don't mind it and it is cooler than I can ever remember it being in May here. I have planted a coneflower that Liz brought me last night and stuck a piece of an ancient jade plant that Jessie brought me as well as a different succulent piece into pots to root and there is something so elemental and pleasurable to me about sticking plants into earth to root. The jade comes from a plant that was Vergil's grandmother's and when she moved into assisted living, she gave the plant to Jessie and Vergil which is a huge honor as well as a huge responsibility. I hope it roots. I would like to have that piece of Vergil's family history here in my house.

I just have to tend it well. And succulents are notoriously hardy and tenacious.

As some of us are. As some loves can be.

We can survive a lot more than one would think possible and still manage to hold on, to even thrive and grow. We may show our age, the results of the passing of years, we may become gnarled and bent but we can bloom. Especially with a little care. A little tending.

I'm still pretty good at that and so is that man.

I'm looking forward to getting my new glasses. I'll be able to see the things I love even better. The rain, the leaves, the birds, my children, my grandchildren, my husband.

18 comments:

OK, I laughed really hard at: It was a bit stressful and sort of fun but after about forty-five minutes of that shit I just said, "I'm old. Who the fuck cares?" but then I got sad at your memories about your young self. But then I felt, really felt, your description of eating outside and the kitten paws, and oh, this is why I love your blog! Happy weekend with your man and family.

So much here! I wish you'd believe your kids when they tell you it's ok. It is ok. I wish my mother had been able to relax about things more... maybe then it really would have been ok. Though I guess she might just as well say I told you so, considering... sigh.

That picture is so sweet. You sweet little girl. No, you haven't changed much. And he didn't kill your ability to love. I love these posts that show so clearly what you've built around you xx

I love the moment to momentness of this, the awareness of so much beauty and love around you, the gentle rain, your handsome man, your children who cherish you, your whole wonderously made world. How wise of you to pay attention to these moments. They are what is real.

I hear you. Getting fitted for glasses is stressful! I can't ever decide and I feel foolish for that because, you're right! Who cares!But you chose wisely, they look great. And how beautiful about rooting those cuttings. I love that.I love how you tend to all your life with such tender care and grace.xxoo

Sylvia- You're so sweet. Thank you. I'm glad you like visiting. And taking the time to comment.

Sweet Jo- Yes! They are hoping to move to Tallahassee within the year and maybe, maybe...starting a family. You know how happy this makes me.

Jo- I'm just lucky as hell on so many levels. And I know it. I do. We're all going to die in the end- that is a sure thing. I guess we need to just accept that and relax a little bit about what's going on in the meantime.

Angella- It's so true. And I am very guilty of doing so much time tripping that I often miss the moment but I am working on that and you remind me in your posts. For which I am grateful.

SJ- Doesn't he? It was a great day. Truly.

Mr. Shife- Thanks, sweetie!

Elizabeth- The sign-up sheet for Mr. Moon's waiting list is on the clipboard by the door. Wait. I need to sharpen the pencil. (P.S. I would marry you.)

heartinhand- We are all like that, aren't we? Most of us, anyway. It's how we survive and yet stay tender at the same time.

gradydoctor- And in a way, you were. Thank you.

Yobobe- I try. As do you. Sometimes we do better than other times, but always, we try.

I, too, sometimes marvel that my dear hubby chose me all those years ago. And I, like you, tend to dismiss his compliments from time to time. But deep down sometimes I question how/why he chose me because I'm the luckiest old lady I know. He'll be retiring in two weeks and sometimes I get absolutely giddy thinking of the adventures ahead of us.

Mr. Moon does have some muscles. And I like those glasses. Glad that you got to spend time with your family relaxing after the eye glass wait. I will not ever go to Lens Crafters again. Had a really long wait and a lot of incompetence.

Woman, you are younger than me! Quit going on about how old you are. you are not old! and neither am I. we ain't spring chickens but we aren't decrepit either. my husband does this too. annoys the hell out of me. when my mother turned 60 she declared she was old and as if that excused her from doing anything. she quit living because she was old and then she proceeded to get decrepit and she really couldn't do anything.

I try very hard to answer every comment I get. This is important to me because otherwise, it's not a dialogue. Sometimes life gets busy and I can't, but I do try.
Please e-mail me for any reason whatsoever at mmerluna@aol.com