Balancing Self-Acceptance & Self-Improvement

It’s been a minute, huh? Yikes. I missed you. I had a bit of a breaking point that made me want to start blogging again, but I’ll get to that later. Let’s talk about what I’ve been doing since June.

I did go to that CrossFit class. I went to three, actually. I didn’t die, obvs, but I wanted to. But in a good way. I’m just too poor to actually go to them for realsies.

I started grad school! I’m working on a Master of Professional Writing at Chatham University in Pittsburgh. I’m in the second week of my second term and I love it.

Still hanging out with chickens. They’re grown-ass women now, laying eggs and everything. They grow up so quick.

I’m back in bariatric surgery mode. I know, I know. I just think this is the best thing for me. I’m tired of feeling like shit. Surgery should be sometime this spring.

That’s…really it. Damn. My life is boring.

So, the breaking point. I joined a biggest loser challenge thing at the gym where I took the CrossFit classes. I had to get weighed in today and I was over the measurable limit on the scale. I almost cried. About my weight. For the first time since high school. Not even cool. I have to lose about 30 pounds for surgery, which is 10% of where I’m at now. This is doable. I met one of my teammates and our coach tonight and we did a little circuit workout, which was great. I’ve been doing whatever workout videos I find online/in random drawers in my bedroom, so it was nice to actually have some social interaction while my glasses are sweat-sliding down my face.

I guess it’s back to the C’mon, Fatso of 2010, then, huh? Good to see you again.

Well, friends. I finally did it. I went an entire month without writing anything at all. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened. I have ideas for this blog. Big ones. Ones that’ll work best when my life isn’t chaotic. Until then, let’s call a hiatus. It’s not you. It’s certainly me.

In the meantime, here are some of my highest-rated/most-read posts over the past fiveish years.

When I was in high school, I used to daydream about what it was going to be like to be a grownup. Like, I would probably spend Friday nights with my obscenely cool friends, drinking Cosmos and talking to cute guys. Then I’d come home to my Felicity-like huge apartment, snuggle up in my gigantic bed with one of those big, cuddly down comforters, go to sleep, and wake up around 11:00 to go to brunch with the same impossibly hip people.

But really, I’m spending Friday night half asleep. Three glasses of wine and I’m done for the night, lying in (my tiny, tiny) bed (in my parents’ house) by 9:30, scrolling absentmindedly through Pinterest and trying to decide if I want to sleep now or blog now. Obviously, I’m blogging now. Why? Because I like you.

And my best friends right now happen to be the six chickens I got last weekend. If we’re friends on any sort of social media, you know that I am absolutely smitten by these ladies. It’s ridiculous. I’ve never really wanted kids. This is the closest I’m going to get. And I’m okay with that. Bailey isn’t. She hates them. And they’re going to be bigger than her in a few months. Or probably less. The last class I took that involved chickens was in 1999. I was in FFA. Future Farmers of America. And now I type for a living.

So, I’m over the Whole 30 thing. It was turning into an eating disorder for me. Food is meant to be enjoyed, damn it. I’ve been working on a post in my mind about the whole thing all week, but right now I can’t find the words I wanted. Seriously, three small glasses of wine. What happened to me? But yeah. Let’s get a pizza sometime. You know who you are*.

Good night, blog. See you in a few weeks or maybe tomorrow or maybe next year. I don’t know.

Here’s a picture, for the sake of having a preview picture when I post this on Facebook. This is how I try to live my life. You should, too.

*I mean you, whoever’s reading this. I probably like you, and I love pizza more than I like most people. I also really like nachos and bad movies. Let’s go out.

Let’s talk about my food issues because that’s the most consuming thing in my life right now, okay? I spent the week before last eating pretty much whatever and it was miserable. Then I got back on Whole 30 for a week. Then I decided that weekends are cheat days. Like, today I ate french toast for breakfast and dinner and had pizza yesterday and I couldn’t be happier. Except for the part where I’m exhausted right now and my face is all dried out. One of these weekends, I’ll say, “Hey, Sierra. Cheat days sound great! They really do! But they’re not worth that food hangover on Monday, so let’s stop doing this.” I’m not counting on it happening anytime soon, though. I really love pizza and french toast. And I’ve been keeping track of my weight a little more than usual lately, and I lose more when I eat what I want on the weekends, then go back to paleo on weekdays. And it makes making lunches for work a lot easier. Even if that lunch is just like three oranges and a Lara bar. Is that really paleo, though? Don’t really care.

Speaking of work, I think I’ve pinpointed my anxiety trigger right now, and that’s what it is. I’m fine on weekends, until about this time of night on Sunday when I’m just a neurotic mess. I think things would be different if I had a job I loved. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut right now because I’ve pretty much gone as far as I can go in this career. And it’s apparently my turn on management’s hate list. I can’t do anything right at work right now, it seems. Hopefully they move on to someone else soon. My stays are usually pretty short. We’re going on three weeks now. It’s stressful. And I just realized that I whined about my job in my last blog, but you don’t mind, right?

I keep making lists of things I would do if I didn’t have to work. Like, what I would do if money wasn’t a big deal. I think I would spend at least three weeks of lying around, watching Netflix, and eating a lot, but eventually I’d probably start writing more, blogging more, and maybe start the photography business I’ve wanted to start since high school. Can I even make money doing these things? Probably not. The only book idea I ever had was basically Divergent, but with two more factions. And I didn’t call them factions. And it all existed in my head and probably came about because I heard about the Divergent series somewhere a few years ago. I don’t know. I’m supposed to be writing a blog about job hunting (I know, I know) for my local paper, but I haven’t started that yet. And I lost my DSLR. I think it’s probably under the mountain of laundry in my bedroom right now. But if you live by me, I will find it and shoot the shit out of you!

When I graduated college, I never imagined that I would be dead tired and ready for bed at 8:30 every night, but, man. I need to go to sleep. Here’s this. It’s true. I love you. See you around, blog friends.

First: Apologies to Facebook friends, because I haven’t shut up about this damn thing since I started it, and I’m going to post this blog in just a second, so you’ll be seeing this as the preview.

Okay.

So, I did it. I finished the Whole 30. 30 days without the three best friends that anyone could have (grains, sugar, and dairy) and other things I don’t generally partake in anyway (legumes/beans, alcohol). How am I feeling?

Bloated and sick.

Why? Because I decided this weekend would be a free-for-all and ate so much nonsense. Chipotle, pizza, pretzel dessert, and a bowl of cornflakes I’ve been craving for weeks.

Yeah. I didn’t take the reintroduction phase too seriously. Ugh. Wish I would have. But other than that, I had a really fantastic month. I was more awake and alert, my skin was phenomenal, I was rarely hungry, and I lost enough inches that I could fit into an entirely new (well, old) segment of my closet that I haven’t been able to wear for months.

Official numbers:

-17 pounds.
-17.5 inches.
-2 dress sizes.

Holy crap, right? I never even lost that much on the three (total) years I was on Weight Watchers.

It wasn’t an easy month, but it wasn’t the hardest thing ever. I was very rarely hungry (except that one time when I forgot my lunch at home and I was so hungry at work that my hands were sweaty. My hands are never sweaty.) My biggest issue with the program is that they seem to have something against just enjoying food for what it is. And I really love food. The hardest part for me ended up being drinking my coffee black, which is something I did for years until I started frequenting Starbucks regularly when I started captioning. Starting the third week of this, though, I found myself drinking it without even making an involuntary face like I was before, so that was cool. Pro tip: If it’s too much for you, drink it black over ice. Seriously. I don’t know why, but that helps so much.

So, what’s next?

I’ve decided to do one each month until I’m feeling 100% healthy. Or at least 90%. No actual weight goal. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my philosophy of fat acceptance/self-acceptance, and I believe the best thing I can do for myself right now is lose weight and get into some sort of shape. I certainly don’t want to be a size 0, but I do want to be able to run races and hike crazy trails and do stuff like that. The amount of energy I had in January was outstanding. So, Whole 30 every month, then one day (not a whole weekend like this time, because I seriously feel so terrible right now) where I can eat one thing I’ve been craving like mad.

Oh, I’ve also joined a dietbet for February. I need to lose 12.6 pounds. I have 9 left to go. The pot is currently $150,000+ and I’m just really hoping I’m the only one who loses the whole 4% because I need to pay off my loans.

So, in summary, loved the Whole 30, going to do it again, body-acceptance includes losing weight, and I’m poor.

Whole 30 has made me a fantastic cook, but not so great at being a blogger. Whoops.

So, it’s officially been two weeks since I started this crazy experiment. Two weeks with no sugar, no cheese, no cream in my coffee. No 9:00 a.m. Pop Tarts. Nada. I can’t believe I’ve actually made it this long. I don’t even know how to begin processing the past 14 days, so here are my feelings in list form:

6. I’ve been wearing pants (comfortably!) that I haven’t been able to fit in for months. One pair has been too small for over a year. Those were the ones I wore today.

Things I don’t like:

1. I’m so freaking bored with my food. If I see another sweet potato, I’m going to scream.

2. I’m hot all the time, which, if the Whole9 forum is to be believed, is because my metabolism is actually working, which is nuts. One of the reasons I was considering gastric bypass was because my doctor told me my metabolism was shot and basically wasn’t going to work again.

3. I like cooking, but cooking allllllll the time is annoying.

That’s it for the bad things, really. The biggest thing I need to work on for the remaining two weeks is eating more vegetables and running away full speed when I see a Larabar, because they’re going to be the death of me. So. Good. And not really something I’m supposed to be eating, even though all of the ingredients are Whole 30 approved.

I’m watching Food Inc. again right now because I want to be completely grossed out by my chicken and beef every day, I guess. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself?

That’s all, I guess. I need to go to bed. Yes, it’s not even 8:00 yet. I know. I’m an old lady.

This has nothing to do with anything, but it’s true. And I love you. Yes, you.

So, I did it. I made it the first day of this whole crazy thing and I only somewhat want to throw myself face-first into a giant calzone. I have 29 days left of this, and I’m already ready to scream if I see another egg. Ugh. I honestly can’t think of one thing Whole 30-friendly that I want to eat tomorrow, so that’s cool. And all of my nuts and nut butters I bought have peanut oil in them, which I apparently didn’t notice when I bought them, AND I only have like $30 left until pay day, so going to buy more groceries isn’t something I can do right now.

BUT ANYWAY.

Enough complaining. I never felt hungry once today, and I found out that the frozen pineapple I bought is the best thing to put in my Nalgene. And I ate more vegetables today than I have in months. I just need to get more creative so I don’t burn out on this within 48 hours.

This isn’t the greatest update in the world. I’m still processing my thoughts on the whole thing, and hyperventilating over the potential snow storm that’s going to hit us tonight and I’ll have to drive in it. And watching Good Burger. God, I love Good Burger. See you soon, blog.