SUNDAY is New Year’s Eve, so I decided to make a resolution not to judge people anymore – no matter how stupid, ugly or pathetic I truly know they are.And since we all look to celebrities for the major decisions we make in life – like what to eat, wear or plead in court – I asked several stars, including Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Julianna Margulies and George Clooney, what their New Year’s resolutions are.

Jackson told me his is “to help the children.”

Excuse me, but if he really wants to help the children, he’d stay the hell away from them.

Rather, the oft-operated-upon Jackson should resolve to never again go near a knife – not even when eating.

While Jackson wants to “help” children, Dr. Ruth wants to help herself. The sex therapist said, “I want to find a man for myself.” Yeah, she and half of San Francisco.

ABC analyst George Stephanopoulos – who’s a wee bit bigger than Dr. Ruth – said his resolution is to “work less and sleep more.” Actually, a few years ago, that resolution was made for me – when I was fired from my job.

Another George – Clooney, that is – confided, “I worry about making a resolution. What happens if you keep it? You’d be screwed.”

He’s so right. If I resolved (and actually kept) my resolution to no longer smoke, drink or tease celebrities, my life would be as meaningless as Jakob Dylan’s lyrics.

At a club recently, the fetching Famke Janssen told me her resolution is “to be happy” – just before I introduced myself as “Mr. Happy.”

Speaking of Mr. Happy, I ran into Mike Piazza, who was with a couple of beautiful babes. The Mets slugger told me his resolution was “to win the World Series.”

Unfortunately, Mike, the Yankees already have a catcher.

“I Dream of Jeannie” star Barbara Eden wishes “to live 2001 to its fullest and to not waste a minute.” So I guess she won’t be talking to me anymore.

On the subject of not speaking to me, David Hasselhoff jokingly resolved “to never again do another interview with you, Michael.” Two can play at that game, “Baywatch” boy.

I know where he’s coming from. It’s hard, but a few years ago, this woman Leslie helped me lose 119 pounds – she left me.

Gibson told me his resolution is to “never make ’em, because they’re doomed to failure.” So are Pauly Shore films, but they still make ’em.

Margulies doesn’t make resolutions because they’re “a great disappointment if you don’t keep them.” Karen Duffy never makes them, either.

Duffy, however, does observe a New Year’s Day tradition – swimming with Coney Island’s Polar Bear Club.

Oddly enough, I just happen to have a new New Year’s Day tradition – strolling along Coney Island’s boardwalk and toweling off scantily clad women.

A number of my friends are good at making resolutions – and even keeping them. For instance, last year my friend Jennifer resolved to give up her 14-year habit of smoking cigarettes. To everyone’s surprise, she kicked it – and became a chewing-tobacco addict.

Also last year, my very chunky friend Charles made a resolution to “change my weight situation.” And he did – he packed on another 45 pounds.

Truthfully, I don’t make resolutions anymore, because I’ve learned I’m as bad at keeping them as I am at keeping secrets – and girlfriends.