Monday, August 25, 2008

The first ever Bar We're Down With

Not to brag or anything, but we like to consider ourselves an accomplished group of drinkers. Mostly because there's absolutely nothing else to do in this town but get shitty drunk (and watch movies...while shitty drunk). So it seemed only natural that when Duke came aboard we would put our expertise together to give you a list of the best bars in the area.

There are some that are decent, but only these select few will be considered the cream of the crop, a full head, shoulders, and set of huge chesticles above the rest.

Two Fridays ago we posted the criteria, this week we bring you the first inductee in the inaugrual 2008 class of Bars We're Down With (name subject to change). It was a painstaking process to decide which bars to induct. Drinks were drank, girls were unsuccessfully hit on, fights happened, friendships forever altered.

In the end, we came up with a list that will probably change before the year is over. But for now we have an inductee. (Note: Inductees are inducted in no particular order) Following the meticulously laid out judging criteria, we give you...

Fats Bar and Grill Grill and BarFats owner Ben on the left. The man, the myth, the legend, Muff on the right. Party bus in background.

Fat's has always been a place near and dear to our hearts. Duke spent at least a little bit of pretty much every day of 2007 there. They're always the first place we consider for Mardi Gras. And they have a fantastic crab feed every year. Not to mention that their yearly party bus to and A's game (pictured above) is an awesome excuse to start drinking at 8am on a Sunday.

When we were pretty much extensions of the bar stools the place was owned by Mike. Who's pretty much one of the awesomest dudes around. This year he sold the place to Fat's employees Ben (again, pictured above) and Teresa who have kept the torch of awesomeness alive and well. And of course before we go to the scorecards we would get our asses kicked if we didn't mention that Jenae is 35 different types of awesome. Of course, we've always had a soft spot in our hearts for former female high school wrestlers. Alright, to the judges...

Drink Prices: 7Maybe as semi-regulars we're probably a bit biased in this (and probably all) categories. That being said I've never felt the prices at Fat's were unfair. They claim to be a restaurant first and a bar second but they still have prices on par with most bars. Going by memory I believe it's $3 for a domestic draft and $4 for an import. I could be off by a dollar or two, looks like I'll have to go back and do more research.

Variety and Quality of Alcohol: 9Fats boasts an impressive collection of draft beers. Last I checked it was around 30 or so beers ranging from Budweiser to Fat Tire. And don't think we're just beer snobs here, they're collection of hard liquor is also quite a sight to behold. Including those fancy Jagermeister on tap machines (they have Patron ones too) and a Slushie machine that chugs out margaritas.

Proximity to Other Bars: 6Fats is kind of on an island in it's shopping center. Tora Sushi and John's Incredible Pizza are the nearest establishments that serve alcohol, but those are primarily restaurants, and John's doesn't even have hard liquor. The Graduate is a short jaunt away as is BJ's and Chili's. If you're feeling frisky you can try going to Valley Brew. But if you do, please take a cab. Those UOP cops are always itching for someone to pull over.

Munchies: 10This, above all else, is Fats' shining star. Their menu is downright impressive. If you're eating on the cheap you can get so Sopapillas. If you have a little bit of scratch to throw around I suggest getting a pizza. It is the unrivaled best pizza in Stockton. BJ's can suck a dick if they think they even belong in the same sentence as Fats'. If you feel like eating until you explode and throw up and eat some more, you can try the Fat's feast. It involves steak, ribs, and I think shrimp. But that's only if you feel like spending a month on the shitter.

Swimsuit Competition: 7Last I checked, Fats had predominantly male bartenders. So we extended it to their waitresses too. Which is really where they shine in this category. Unfortunately, I think we've sat at a table at Fats all of twice. So we haven't exactly spent the optimal amount of time judging in this category. Luckily their score was also boosted by the women on the aforementioned party bus. Oh hey, more pictures...

Wow, maybe 7 was a bit conservative. Especially for that hottie in the back.

Now that we've gotten that pesky scorecard out of the way, we'll each give you our parting words. More than likely these will be super inside stories that only 4 people will get. But hey, that's how a lot of hall of fame-esque inductions go. We tried to track down Briss Issak, that's what delayed the post. If he sends me his piece before this gets posted Monday, it'll be here. If not, we've found someone even less dedicated than Duke is to Vegas Kings.

Since this is my site, I get to go first. And in honor of our missing friend, it'll only be one sentence. "I've never seen her be affectionate towards men before." Take it away Duke.

Doesn't that just mean...oh wait, we've been over this already. Like Slick stated earlier, I spent pretty much every day of 2007 in Fats. And as I've said before, I'm only half as much of an alcoholic as that statement makes me sound like. I used to work next door and am pretty much the reason for getting those two over to Fats. There's too many stories to tell, Slick touched on one. One of my favorites it when I soloed it to the Kings Viewing Party they held there last season. It resulted in one of my favorite articles/columns/posts I've ever written. So if we leave with anything it has to be the mental image of a man dressed like a lion signing autographs in a bar, then serving me a beer.

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