Find Your Path to Happiness

Are you adrift? Chart a course back to what makes you happy.

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There's a slow, quiet force in our lives that can cause enormous unhappiness if it goes undetected. I call it "drift."

Drift is the result of the decisions you make by not deciding, by falling into things, or by taking the path of least resistance. You get married because your friends are all getting married. You take the first job someone offers you instead of searching for one you really want. You work on the school fund-raiser simply because your friends are working on it. That's drift. And it scares me—not because drifting puts you in danger, but because you slowly lose touch with the instincts that would normally guide you toward the choices that would make you the happiest. The result is that your life stops reflecting your own interests, your own values.

Years ago, I drifted into law school because I didn't know what else I wanted to do. I had what seemed like valid reasons: Studying law would be a good use of my skills and a useful way to spend a few years, and it would keep my options open. But I didn't think through that choice. When I finally decided what was right for me, I chose to be a writer—and I'm much happier.

How do you know you're drifting? Drift might sound like laziness, but by my definition it's not (case in point: my law training, which took an immense amount of time and energy). A clearer sign of drift is when you're guided by other people's opinions or expectations and not by what means the most to you. Perhaps you wanted to start your own business, but your spouse thought you were crazy, so you didn't. Or you wanted to start a movie club, but your best friend talked you out of it.

Later, these choices might not feel like mistakes, exactly (maybe you're glad that you're not an entrepreneur or that you're not spending a lot of time watching DVDs). But when you become unmoored from the fundamental values or vision of your life, the cumulative effect is one of ennui—a word that implies boredom, a dash of sadness, and the inability to act.

To gauge whether you might be drifting, read the statements below. If you strongly identify with two or more of them, it's time to look more closely at areas where you personally feel most adrift so you can right your course.

- I sometimes have the peculiar feeling that I'm living someone else's life or that I'm still waiting for my "real" life to start.

- I find myself doing something because the people around me are doing it, or I justify certain actions by saying, "I might as well" or "How bad can it be?"

- I fantasize that some catastrophe or upheaval will blow up my situation—as in, I'll break my leg or get transferred to another city.

- I spend a lot of time daydreaming about a completely different life as an escape from what I'm doing now.

- I used to feel passionate about certain things or activities, but now I don't do them, and I avoid thinking about them.

How do you combat drift? One place to start: envy. If you're looking at an aspect of someone else's life with something more than just longing—a feeling closer to craving—that's a clue about where your true inclinations lie. Also, examine your hobbies. When I was practicing law, I began to work on a "project" on the weekends, and I finally admitted it was the draft of a book—an insight that eventually helped me to pull myself up and out of drift. What might you find if you took a side project or pursuit more seriously?

To dust off that inner compass and find your path, it may help to use a mantra. One of my favorites is: "You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do." You can take job X, but you can't make yourself love job X. It may be gratifying that your friends are impressed by your position, but that's not enough to make you happy.

If you realize you are drifting, you can expect to feel at sea for a bit. You've figured out what you don't want—but it may take a while before you can chart a new course. You have to ask yourself: What do I want? What do I really like to do? What interests me? Focus less on what you should do (although some "shoulds" in life are unavoidable), and make choices that are more aligned with what you find most fulfilling.

It comes back, as always, to a fundamental truth about happiness: You have to be yourself. When you stop drifting and start building a life based on your own values and interests, you'll know it. Because it feels like coming home—to yourself.