Don't you sometimes get depressed when readers submit comments that are not only very critical of your work, but also much broader and deeper and cooler than anything you write? Doesn't it make you want to stay in bed all day and cry, especially since you don't have a sex god there in bed with you?

I started the goat war. It was many years ago. I was probably 4. Visiting grandparents in Springfield, MA. We went to the zoo. There was a petting area where kids and animals were allowed to interact. For some strange reason, almost all the animals in this area were goats. One ate a pom-pom (two plastic balls connected by elastic that you can use to hold hair in a pony tail) right off my head. I can't imagine that the goat escaped without severe gastrointestinal distress. My hypothesis is that the goat was a VIP and the goat world has been plotting revenge (best served cold) ever since. My sincerest apologies to my fellow humans.

A: Alexandra Petri

GOL DURN YOU ALL TO HECK

This is how it begins!

(Actually I thought goats were relatively immune to gastrointestinal distress. Don't they eat tin cans? At any rate I think people used to feed them tin cans.)

There's a web site where you can submit what you remember about a book you're trying to find, and as long as it's more detailed than "it had a red cover," generally you get an answer quickly. Unfortunately I can't remember the name of the site... whatsthatbook.com or something?

A: Alexandra Petri

Can anyone help? I know some sites where you can go to hum tunes, but that wouldn't be a book, no matter how long you hummed.

I remember with fond horror the book, "The Little Rabbit Who Wanted Red Wings" which is basically the story of a rabbit who wants red wings, gets red wings, and then is roundly rejected by all who knew him because THEY DO NOT RECOGNIZE HIM WITH RED WINGS. Including his mother. I thought carrots were supposed to be good for eyesight?

A: Alexandra Petri

Also, red wings don't change your underlying appearance, do they? Other than the fact of having red wings? Seems odd. Maybe his family was looking for an excuse to ditch him anyway.

Goats are darling. Tell me this isn't just about the cutest thing you've ever seen: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu5vxyPjpq1qcd504o5_1280.jpg There is no nefariousness whatsoever. In fact, just hunting down that picture has me desperate for a goat to snuggle, regardless of whether said goat is interested in snuggling.

I understand that this is the place to come for such activities, even if we are <b>not</b> wearing pink, or accessorizing with pink books, or wearing tasteful pink Librarian Shoes, or involved with a pink Mars Rover! SO. I'll throw this one out: A Book of My Youth about a Great Game. It had an orange cover. The characters walked down into the garden, as I recall, and embarked in a board-game-like experience that--wait for it--WAS ACTUALLY REAL LIFE. Like entering some kind of metaphorical Candyland! I've been looking for it ever since first collecting it at the Kensington Park library in the early nineties. Any ideas? Composted Crew, you're my only hope!

A: Alexandra Petri

Whoa, no idea. It sounded like Alice in Wonderland for a few seconds there, and then it took a turn. Gang?

It's http://www.loganberrybooks.com/ - go to the stump the bookseller page. this is an AWESOME website - especially check out the most requested books page. they specialize in children's books, and can help you find hopelessly out of print books and can figure out a book title after you provide a description. I think they charge a small fee now - but not for the archives, and it's likely you're not the first one to ask about that book.

"Every man can tell how many goats or sheep he possesses, but not how many friends." That seems pretty smart on the surface, but... not long after he wrote this, the Republic fell, and eventually the Empire. I blame the goats.

A: Alexandra Petri

The arc of history is long, but it bends when the goats want it to bend.

The things that cheerleaders shake and other related balls-connected-by-strings items are pompons. "Pompom" is a misheard version of the above, and is also the name given to certain large mortars of WW1 vintage, derived from the sound they made. You can see where the confusion might cause a problem.

Really that's possible ... Zeus ehh? ... Must be tricky when the thunderbolts are flying. And, we have goat overloads? Doesn't that mean that they are then responsible for this maddening winter? Seems like we should sacrifice some of them at a traffic circle or something.

A: Alexandra Petri

You don't sacrifice your overlords' friends to propitiate your overlords! Did you learn nothing during that one scene of "Return of the Jedi"?

Also, yeah, "broader and deeper and cooler" -- what do they want, a submerged pool?

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost, a lighter take on the news and issues of the day, and she contributes to the Post editorial page. Her work has appeared in venues such as The Huffington Post, The Week, Newsweek.com, Businessweek.com, Collegehumor, and The Harvard Crimson. She has appeared on Jeopardy!, Showbiz Tonight and Canadian radio, and she has performed at Boston's Comedy Studio and Comedy Connection. She would love to be on your TV show, radio show, Daily Show, HBO special, or to be an honored guest (or regular guest) at your Bar Mitzvah. She is the author of two books (unpublished, but contact her!), two screenplays, three plays, one musical, and one memoir (Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast.)