Momming

Hi there. Let me introduce myself. I am a mom who barely changes out of pajamas, who tries her best to rarely leave the house without backup. Aka. The hubs. I breakout into a stress sweat thinking of taking both of my children somewhere, ANYWHERE… like, for instance, the grocery store… Let me paint a picture…

Why are car seats so difficult?! I might as well burn all my silk shirts now. They should have fans to cool off mom while she’s taking baby in and out of the car. Is that invented yet?! Did I just become an fucking millionaire?! Bring it Shark Tank.

Then once they are out of the car you need a carrier or a stroller, or worse, a shopping cart. These bacteria infested nasties, that are always strewn across the parking lot by lazy pieces of shit, are always no where to be found when you go to the grocery store?! What the what?! I just need one freaking cart near my car. Dear Lord.

don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t cry.

Once inside you calm yourself, this is gonna be fine. Your pit stains start to dry. You’re a flipping queen. Out with both kids like a boss.

Wait. Toddler. How can you reach all this stuff?!! Why are you licking fruit?! That’s dirty. Here’s some pre-cut fruit. Sweet. I’m a great mom. Giving my kid a healthy treat– WHAT. THE. HELL?! Did you just dump all the cantaloupe on the ground?! Why?! Sweat returns.

Baby. You got this. Just chill in your 100+ dollar carrier. Can someone carry me in a giant baby carrier?! Sweet baby is gonna relax. Ouch. Did you just pull my hair?! Eekkk why are you trying to push off me like a spider monkey?! I’m just trying to show you love by wearing you so you can grow up to be a better human… Isn’t that what baby wearing is supposed to do???

Toddler. No. You can’t have a truck you don’t get a toy every time we leave the house. 10 seconds pass. You win. Here’s a damn toy.

Baby. Still attempting acrobatics inside the baby carrier. Tits feel as though they have been punched by a lady wrestler for an hour.

no seriously. please send help.

Stand in the freezer cooling pits wasting all the electricity. Mmmmmm frozen burrito. We’re almost done. Almost there. Just have to get this mess to the checkout.

Cashier. That will be 3 million dollars. Huh?! What?! What did I buy?! I can’t even make a meal with this, but I do have 30 bottles of raw coconut water… makes sense. Baby. Starts to cry. Hands card. Nope. I have to slide it. Nope. I have to insert it. What. The. Hell. Just take my money and get me the fuck out of here.

As you sign your name on the pen pal, you think, “damnit shit balls ass, I forgot the [insert random, but crucial ingredient to tonight’s dinner].” Welp, guess we are never having said item ever again. Get. ME. OUT.

please don’t lick the cart. sigh. kid’s are dumb.

Back outside. Sweats have started just imagining buckling children back into car seats. Load up trunk. Then begin the 25 minute process of deciding how to get kids in car and then return cart. Store was packed so you’re 6 spaces away from the return. Decide on baby first. He goes in. While you keep your foot tangled in the cart so no one steals your toddler, it’s science. Then toddler. He goes in. Screaming for his truck. You then prepare yourself for the sprint of a lifetime. Deep breaths. And execute, execute. This takes you 12 seconds. You hear that pieces of shit who don’t return carts!?! 12 seconds.

You get in the car and turn that ac shit up MAX. You hold back the urge to cry. Your pits start to dry. You hear your favorite Bieber song start to play. You begin singing, your kids love it. They are so happy. You crack open your coconut water and drive home like a bad ass bitch.

So I eat nachos an alarming amount… but like when your “cheese” is made from carrots and potatoes and you top them with jackfruit and/or tons of veggies, it seems less indulgent. I followed various recipes the first few times I made this cheese, but was unhappy with the lack of nutritional yeast aka NOOCH aka vegan crack. It’s not really crack… it’s just addicting, dear Lord people this is a family blog. Shit. Any who, in honor of National Nacho Day, I bring you my delicious, healthy, and hella easy cheeze sauce. This bitch is soy, dairy, gluten, and oil free yet still tastes like unicorn tears and happiness. Enjoy.Read More…

So you’ve survived the 4th trimester. Congrats. Maybe you’re still in it and feel like you have been living under a poo and vom covered rock. I assure you, it gets bettereasier okay, well different!? You will sleep again. Promise. Here are my faves for surviving 3-6 months.

Love to Dream Swaddle Up 50/50. So our beloved Ollie Swaddle is outgrown in our house around 4 months. My boys are rollers. Sheesh. So I was super excited when I saw a friend raving about this transitional swaddle. It’s awesome. He can roll and use his hands, but it’s still nice and snug like a swaddle, what’s great is you can unzip the arms as they lose the startle reflex around 6-7 months and have a wearable blanket. Yay, safety first!

Zippered Pajamas. I HATE snaps. Like dude, when you’re changing 2 million(exaggeration) diapers a day, you need quick and easy access. FACT. My kids live in pjs until they start sitting up by themselves.

Bright Lab Lights. Perfect ambient light for your nursery. I am so so so happy I purchased these puppies.

PlayMat. Get a nice play mat. They will spend so much time under this thing, so much to grab and play with, plus it’s nice and soft. We purchased a nice one from Target with Roc, but just know there are so many cool options out there!

WubbaNub Pacis. Roc wasn’t a paci guy, but Felix most certainly is. I’ve tried a few now, but the wubba nubs just make it so easy. The paci stays in better and once they start to gain some of those fine motor skills it’s much easier for them to place in their mouth.

Brica Bathtub. This thing was a must with both boys. They both get nightly baths, not necessarily because they are dirty, but for a sense of routine and some calming. We use super gentle soaps by Honest and Tubby Todd so we don’t dry that sweet baby skin out!

Baby Carrier. So our trusty Ergo performance has treated us very well. It’s great for walks, hikes, trips downtown, but it does get pretty toasty and it’s not the most fashionable choice. Our Happy Baby wrap has me like *heart eyes emoji* not only is it super lightweight and comfy, it’s SO PRETTY. Majorly good choice.

More Coffee. Still self explanatory. Seriously, I’ve had 2 cups in the time it’s taken you to read this.

The Baby Whisperer Books. So anyone who knows me or has ever asked my Mom-ing advice knows that we are Baby Whisperer people. And I’m going to let you know a little secret. I HATED this method with Rocco, I was so resistant to doing the work. The Captain would get so mad at me, but I am 100% positive the reason it took Roc so much longer to sleep train was because I refused to get on track with the method. F-guy is already so so so much more independent, takes amazing naps, and is well on his way to sleeping through the night. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t foolproof, babies have bad nights, growth spurts, teeth, etc. But for the most part this plan helps you predict their behavior in the day and give them their best shot at a good nights sleep. More on this in another post coming soon.

So those are my biggies!!! We will have 6-12 month must haves soon!!!! How do I have an almost 1 year old!?!? Sigh. Tear.

So we spend a gazillion dollars a year trying to get babies to sleep. A GAZILLION (note: I completely made this up). But in truth, I can personally attest to how much time and money that can be spent on getting these boogers to sleep. You’re tired. GO. TO. SLEEP. It’s just not that easy, is it?? In my opinion, the first step is teaching good sleep behavior. End of story. If you know me, you know we swear by The Baby Whisperer in our house. The Captain will have more on that hopefully soon, but sometimes that doesn’t do the whole shebang. So I believe paired with the right aids you can and will achieve sleeping success.

Our babies have been pretty okay sleepers while swaddled, but as many of you probably know once they start to flip and need arms out it’s GAME OVER. So after swaddling they lose that tight comforting feeling. So they my boys constantly needed to be reminded we are there with them with reassuring words or a hand on the back or belly. Enter Nested Bean. These good folks have thought of everything. They have placed a small weight on their swaddles and sleep sacks to simulate your touch. Genius! Right?!

Well, I was skeptical because there was nothing to control Fbombs hands in the sack and even though he’s past the 6 month startle reflex, I was just scared anything would set him back. The 8 month sleep regression hit (and wasn’t the terror Roc’s was, probably because of stricter baby whispering), but once we saw the light at the end of that tunnel I started putting him in his Zen Sack. You guys. YOUS GUYS. I feel like lightening is gonna strike me as I type this. Weeks. Weeks and weeks of sleeping through the night. Ummmmm say what now?! 11-12 hours of sleep?!? I’m not making this up. I realize everything with babies is in seasons and it could all change tomorrow, but I mean, it can’t be a coincidence! I’m a believer.

Felix is a tummy sleeper from about 4 months, which I assure you is safe once your baby is able to hold their head up. Talk to your pediatrician for more information, I am not a doctor just an informed mama. Moving on, so I was thrilled when I read that the Zen Sack can be worn backwards with the weight on their backs. You guys. This thing is pretty great! Again, I was skeptical. We loved our Ollie Swaddle and had been using a sack that was okay, but we were still getting at least 1 wake up at night. We understand that The The Baby Whisperer is not a quick fix, it’s about creating a life long healthy sleeper… so we don’t really believe in magic sleep suits, but this thing has truly been a blessing to help us reinforce healthy sleeping habits.

We like to eat in our house… Like, a lot. We also are those hippie types that care about organic, non-gmo, plant based goodness. I’ve always been interested in healthy diets and as any parent can tell you, kids make everything difficultcomplicated interesting. Healthy eating is no exception. You want your kiddo to eat the best food and learn to appreciate a variety of flavors from an early age… Not an easy task. We try to make as much of the boys baby food when they are first starting to eat, but life with a toddler and infant is crazy, so some days we run out or I’m totally unprepared. Shocking, I know. So there are times when Mama needs some help. Deciphering baby food labels is way too difficult these days, trying to read through the healthy buzzwords and figure out the best choice.

Enter Once Upon a Farm. I am such a fan of this company. Not all organic baby food is created equal. Every product is Certified Organic and Kosher, Non-GMO Project Verified, and Cold-Pressured. They never use any concentrates, pre-processed purees, juices or preservatives. This stuff tastes good. That’s right, I tried it and it’s yummy. I got a variety pack of applesauce and intended to feed them all to little man, but Rocco decided that he wanted ALL OF THEM. Kid is obsessed with applesauce these days, he started asking for his “refrigerator applesauce” instead of our pantry staple supply. R would devour them straight from the fridge, while Felix prefers them warmed up a bit. I just feel so much better knowing they don’t contain any weird additives to keep the safe for years in the stockroom or pantry.

We just signed up for a monthly subscription with a whole bunch of delicious sounding concoctions for the boys to try. I may have ordered the Chocolate Ever After for myself… That’s not weird, right!? I definitely suggest giving these a try!!!

So if you’ve had a kid chances are you’ve found pages like 4th Trimester Body Project or Birth Without Fear, etc. these amazing groups celebrate moms in all of their forms, shapes, and sizes. I love it. Every woman, especially those who have made, housed, and birthed a baby, should never hate their body. It’s beyond miraculous what the female body can do, the power we are capable of… It blows my mind. Staring at my 7 month old and 2.5 year old it’s like “HOLY HOT DAMN!! I CREATED THEM!!!” Like shit!!!! So yes, I’m amazed and in love with what my body has done… Butttt I still desire to get my body to a place where I’m wholly confident, healthy, and strong. Don’t hate me, but I have kids and still want to look good in a bathing suit. *gasp*

So like anything in this day and age you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. On one side you get the, “stop shaming moms who don’t bounce back after baby” and then there’s the “stop shaming moms who desire to spend time on themselves and exercise” Why is it always like this?! All it takes is 10 seconds on a comment thread of any mommy related story for the claws to come out. We are always offended. Everything is offensive. Dear sweet baby Jesus!! I’m offended, you’re offended, I’m offended… Geez!! Why?! Did agree-to-disagree just fly out the window? Since when did your opinion mean so much more than your neighbor’s?! And why in the hell do we have to tell everyone?! Hell, I’m a blogger, I love giving my 2 cents about all things and I have plenty of thoughts about child raising ideals and practices… Sure, I might quietly judge or disagree with another mom for a certain behavior, but guess what?! I keep my freakin mouth closed because that mom is just doing her best! The poor mom who lost her child to an alligator attack hopefully never looked at the comment thread on a story about their situation because the terrible awful things that were said would leave even the toughest skin bruised. She was doing her best. Don’t get me started on the Gorilla kid…

I’ve gotten off topic…

When I stare in the mirror, I’m gonna be honest, I’m like Meh. I don’t hate my body, but I am genuinely excited about getting back into my old clothes and feeling happy with my nekkid body. I hesitate to say “get my body back” I don’t want that body, I want my -amazing, birthed 2 babies naturally with no drugs, fed two babies from my boobs- body, I just want strength and stamina to chase my kiddos endlessly. I want to be able to pick up my kids until they’re teenagers. Slight exaggeration? Possibly.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other. We can love our bodies and all they’ve done and desire to spend time on ourselves excercising and getting in shape. If you’re anything like me, the time spent exercising is just as much a mental cleansing as it is a physical challenge. It gets my brain right. Even if it’s just a walk or a 10 minute arm series. You’d be amazed what that can do for your soul.

On top of exercise and good old fashioned clean eating, after F bomb I decided to wear my Belly Bandit compression gear for REALS this go around. I had it for after Roc, but was not consistent. Let me tell you consistency is key!!! I wore my Original Belly Bandit, all-day everyday for the first month. After that I tried to wear it for at least 4 hours for the following few months until it [hooray] became too big! I switched to the Mother Tucker corset after that and again wore that for a few hours a day . On top of these tummy products, I decided to try the Hip Bandit because with Rocco it was a solid year before my hips were back down to size. Guys!!!! At 5 months my hip measurement was a half an inch away from pre-baby… NUMBER ONE!!! So yea, if you’re wondering if this stuff works. I’d have to say a resounding yessss ma’am. I also rock their Mother Tucker leggings, like, all the time. Just look at my past two fashion posts. I feel so good when I wear them and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what a comment thread says or Instagram or People magazine says, feelin good is all that matters!!

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