Time for Charlie

LONG BLOG

The following article is meant in no way to be considered sexist. It is a perspective on a disturbing and usually untrue stereotype.

IF you have a Vagina you are bad at Video Games

Inevitably, if only by luck, the majority of the gaming populace, especially all you shag-a-delic readers of Destructoid, will find themselves in the grace of the fairer sex. She'll be an amazing core of your life, a constant support, smile, and partner, throughout the horrible ordeal that life can be.

When you first met her, those exciting nerve racking dates of yore, she probably noticed your affection to the console. In an attempt to grow closer to you, she more than likely informed you that she too is a gamer.

CLARIFICATION 1. she owned a copy of Pokemon Blue, that she played on her brother's gameboy. She was used so that everyone else she knew could get all the starters. Doubt me? ask her what the third gym leader was, she only knew the first two because of the cartoon.
2. she drunkenly played halo at a party, because 16 guys staring at a screen instead of her cleavage didn't sit well with her.

And you being the REAL gamer that you are, you're going to want to sit down next to the warm glow of a T.V. and lose yourself in the wide and wonderful world we call Video Games.

PROTIP: This is going to piss her off.

It's such a noticeable trend, that the game developers, in an attempt to retain your money, and perhaps even throw a brofist of understanding, have begun to throw in what i like to call, Girlfriend mode.

Examples you say?

So a bunch of people are sitting around a Capcom board room, trying to figure out how to make their hit resident evil series sell to more homes. They had a hit with number four, but any good that did was taken away by Mila Jovich. -How about we make it a Co-op experience! that's had mild success in the past.
-Alright, Alright, fair enough... but lets reach outside of the box, what demographic are we not hitting... how can we make this more accessible?
-Well, how about in the single player campaign, the AI controls your partner, but anyone can just grab a controller and take over. It would be a great way to involve children, or a visiting friend.
-But Resident Evil isn't a child's game, and any visiting friend of someone who already owns the game, would probably purchase a copy as well.
-(silence)... I guess his girlfriend or wife could play too.
-AND!!! we could make the female AI so bad that even a confused inexperienced lover would be better! That way he would beg her to play with him, and we could create a potential fan out of her!
-But what if our audience finds this sexist?
-Don't worry, we can always set it in Africa, and have them shoot nothing but black zombies, distracting everyone with our alleged racism.
BRILLIANT!

So Nintendo had a massive hit with new super mario bros. Wii, mostly due to the multiplayer. so obviously, they wanted to bring that over, to any and all future games. However, a 3D platformer with multiple people jumping around would probably either suck, or make the Wii explode. So instead they tack on their girlfriend mode, letting them still meet the qouta. go ahead, give her a spare wiimote, she can't do anything worse than waste star bits, and she'll feel like she helped.

But Charles, you can't tell me a one player game has a girlfriend mode.
HA I SAY! those clever japs found a way.
For those that haven't gotten to play persona, the game is divided into two major portions. your high school, facebook loving social life, where you get to fail history tests, hang out with all the popular chicks, and be totally best friends forever. And then it gets dark/rainy, you pull out your samurai sword and inner demon, and crawl through dungeons slaying the psyche problems of all the local middle schoolers. It's bound to be to hard for your lady to struggle through the deep and strategic battles, but she was already checking her myspace anyway, hand her the controller and let play the social bits. This was so successful they even remade persona 3 with the option to play as a girl.

So she's been complaining that when she plays games with you, she's always 2P. why do you always have to be in charge, why can't she navigate the start menu. And as you ask yourself, why CAN'T she navigate the start menu? why not just save yourself the pressure, suck one up for the success of your relationship, and by the most adorable game in creation. she can't possibly Die, it looks like her grandma's sewing circle threw up all over your tv, and 2P a.k.a. you, gets to play Prince Fluff. He's blue, as in its a boy, has some angry eyebrows, and a crown. He's the most badass 2P ever. The other gears of war guy dosen't count, as a bad ass 2P, all he does is complain about his dead wife. prince Fluff was to busy RIPPING APART HIS ENEMIES.

And last but not least, the greatest girlfriend mode to date, Final Fantasy 13. she's heard of Final Fantasy before, probably from you, and how you explained your exploits and conquering of your favorite handful. But whenever you boot one up for her, she rarely gets past the intro video. Well, enter stage left lucky number 13. The entire game is an intro video, The three females she's going to pick make one of the better teams, and as long as she can hit x and figure out a joystick (and for crying out loud she's your girlfriend let's hope she can manage the latter) she can enjoy, beat, and play her very own Final Fantasy. go ahead, go out with the boys, have a night on the town, she didn't want you around while she was trying to find out which coat looked better on Snow anyway.