Jose Canseco's predictably outrageous New Year's resolutions

Jan. 2, 2013
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Former major league baseball player Jose Canseco points to a T-shirt that apologizes to Mark McGwire for outing him as a performance enhancing drug user during a Dodgers-Cardinals game in September. / Mark J. Terrill AP

by Chris Strauss, USA TODAY Sports

by Chris Strauss, USA TODAY Sports

Perhaps like most Americans, you ushered in the New Year with some resolutions. Lose some weight, spend more time with your family, start that novel you've always vowed to write â?? the usual ones. Well, former MLB slugger Jose Canseco did the same thing. And then some.

Never one for understatement, the 48-year-old ex-major leaguer turned reality show actor turned independent league player-manager turned celebrity boxer turned Twitter eccentric has grand plans for 2013. Very grand plans. Especially now that a deal has been reached on the whole fiscal-cliff thing.

(Canseco didn't fare quite so well the last time he fought a 7-footer)

"5. develop and launch Ponce de CAnseco a real anti aging drink"

(Why are there two number five's?)

"6. Get elected to a important political office in the U.S. or canada to help all people and governments with there problems"

(This may conflict with his Twitter platform just a day earlier calling to "make all elected politician jobs volunteer with no pay. They get plenty of perks and book deals and power they should be paying us.")

"7. Become a world class entreprenur and found at least two great companies that make peoples lives better and funner"

(Or he could team up with another elite athlete/Tweeter to form the greatest business duo since those guys that founded Google. Imagine the genius possiblities that could come from Lochtseco Corp.?)

"8. Write a third book and do a move deal for Juiced!"

(Only if Jose gets to play himself)

"9. Do at least 100 promotional deals for good companies and products like Animal Rights, Human health, Environmental, and Beer companies"

(At least 100 deals? That's more than two deals a week. Even Peyton Manning doesn't get that many endorsements)

"10. Use position as A List entertainer doing reality, TV, movies, blogs, columns, appearances to be able to do more charity"

(Also the objective line of Canseco's LinkedIn profile)

"if anyone wants to make my new years resolutions true or can help me with any of these deals contact my manager joemelendez@msn.com."

(Hopefully the manager had a relaxing holiday break, because he is likely to be insanely busy this week)