This is a joke, right? Edward must be kidding around. He's not honestly acting like an abusive boyfriend, is he? Chapter Three better begin with:

Edward screamed, "Gotcha! I was just messing around. Want to go to a movie? Or should we just hang out here and I'll breathe directly into your nose so you can smell my amazing mouth odor?"

I'm getting ahead of myself, but by chapter's end, if any young woman still thinks Edward Cullen is the bee's knees, then I feel very sorry for that young woman. It's shocking how awfully Edward treats Bella. And Bella's reaction is just as horrible. These two idiots deserve each other, and I'm glad that Jacob didn't end up with Bella. Besides, Jacob Black needs no woman. The earth is his mistress. The sky is his bride. He is…Mr. Black [cue thunderclap] (I could write Jacob intros all day!)

The chapter begins with Bella at school. She says, "I was holding hands with the most perfect person on the planet." At first I become excited, because I didn't know that Batman went to Bella's school. Then I realize that she's once again ooh-ing and aah-ing over Edward.

Bella's happy attitude suddenly fades as she thinks about Jacob. She would like closure on their relationship, but Edward won't let her see him. She says, "I was free to go anywhere I wanted—except La Push; free to do anything I wanted—except see Jacob."

This is just the beginning of my problems with Edward. He has Bella so wrapped around his cold, hard finger that in her mind, seeing Jacob is illegal. This is not right. You shouldn't treat the woman you love like a slave. I would understand if Edward frowned upon Bella seeing Jacob, but outright banning her from visiting him is beyond reason.

If I was dating someone who treated me like this, I would scream, "You're not the boss of me!" and then I would bust out some amazing dance moves so she'd see what she would be missing when I dumped her sorry ass. (Since this is all an imaginary, hypothetical situation, I gave myself amazing dance moves. And for some reason, I'm also picturing myself wearing a scary-awesome motorcycle helmet and an electric scarf that lights up while I'm feeling the beat.)

What's even more frustrating is how willing Bella is to follow Edward's orders. If he said, "Hey Bella, I want you to drink a gallon of expired milk," Bella would be wiping away the milk mustache before he even finished the sentence.

I don't know who to dislike more: Edward for being controlling, Bella for being agreeable, or Stephenie Meyer for creating such dreadful, jetpackless characters.

At the lunch table, Alice zones out, clearly having one of her visions. She snaps out of it and shares a glance with Edward. Since Eddie can read minds, these two don't need to whisper secrets. But Bella is freaking out, dying to know what Alice saw. Was it about the evil Volturi vampires coming to America? Is Victoria nearby? Is everything all right with Emmett? Is Emmett OK? What's wrong with Emmett? This is about Emmett, isn't it? Just tell me if Emmett is all right.

But Alice doesn’t tell Bella (or me) anything. Edward avoids Bella for the rest of the day, obviously trying to keep quiet about Alice's vision. When Bella and Alice finally climb into Edward's car after school, the two vampires still leave Bella out of the loop, never revealing what Alice saw at lunch.

I don’t know why they're keeping this a secret. Edward spills the beans in a few pages. So didn't Alice see a vision of Edward telling Bella about the vision? And if so, couldn't Alice just tell Bella about the vision now, instead of making her feel nervous and anxious during the car ride? So then Alice's vision of the future could also become part of the present and then the future would…ouch. Part of my brain just oozed down the back of my throat. OK, enough Alice questions (for this post).

After Edward drops Alice off at their house, he drives Bella home. He comes inside and hangs out on her bed while she starts her computer. He notices that she is restless, and decides to calm her down with a kiss—a two-paragraph kiss. (I'm still waiting for a five-paragraph kiss, which will result in so much passion that their lips will fuse together like conjoined twins. And then every time they tried to say a word with a P or B sound, it will be hilarious.)

Bella goes back to her computer and responds to an email from her mom, Renee. Because who doesn't enjoy thinking about her mom after a hot and heavy makeout session? Bella tells us how immature her mom acts. She thinks her mom made a big mistake getting married to her dad at such a young age. This might explain why Bella refuses to marry Edward. Maybe she's worried that if she marries Edward while she's still a teenager, they will later get divorced and have a grueling custody battle over their half-vampire/half-human baby, a baby who loves to drink his own blood, and spends all day sniffing his own wrists.

She finishes her email and turns to see Edward staring at the car stereo that she ripped out of her truck in the last book, the stereo that was a present from Emmett and Rosalie. He says he will replace it before Emmett and Rosalie find out, because if they knew what Bella had done, it would hurt their feelings. (But Emmett doesn't have feelings. He has fists!)

Edward then shows Bella the plane tickets to Florida that Esme and Carlise bought her as a birthday present in the last book. The tickets are about to expire. He suggests that they fly down to Florida this weekend to see Bella's mom. But how can he fly to sunny Florida without sparkling?

I suppose he could fly down at night and stay inside all day, but I've been to Florida. It's sunny even indoors. And wouldn't Renee become suspicious if Edward refused to go outside? If you're a vampire, it must be tough to be a guest in someone's home. You want to be polite, but there are some things you cannot do. Just like the time I visited family and had to endure their strange looks when I refused to eat olives…or take off my cape.

Bella isn't sure what to think. She knows that Charlie will flip out at the thought of her flying away for the weekend with her forever buddy. She and Edward argue about this for a while, with Bella saying they should wait to spring their plans on Charlie.

She finally asks about Alice's vision. Edward becomes very serious and says that Alice has been receiving visions of Jasper hanging out in the southwest, near his old family. Jasper is the unpredictable member of the Cullen family. He's new to the vampire vegetarian diet, and is struggling to control his urge to drink human blood. So the fact that Alice sees a future where Jasper is with his bloodthirsty family is unsettling, like when a recently sober relative suddenly buys a whole lot of mouthwash and cough syrup.

Edward says that Jasper has no "conscious intentions" to go to the southwest, and this has me very confused. I know I promised to stop nitpicking about Alice's powers, but hear me out. She can only see the future once someone has made a decision, right? So if Jasper hasn't decided to go away, how can she see his future? And with that, Alice Cullen drops a few more notches on my list of favorite characters, barely hovering above that guy named Ben, and well below all of the werewolves, Emmett, and E-rock's corpse.

Bella and Edward do some homework and have dinner with Charlie. With Edward in the other room watching TV, Charlie mentions that Billy has invited them down to La Push this weekend. Bella tries not to say much because, as we know, Edward refuses to let her near La Push. She tells us, "I knew I wouldn't be allowed to hit a werewolf party, even with parental supervision."

Notice how she phrased that. She didn't say, "Edward wouldn't like it if I went to a werewolf party." She said, "I wouldn't be allowed." Allowed? You should never, under any circumstances, need permission from your boyfriend to do anything, unless you're about to do something to his hair or toes. And even then, whatever you're planning on doing is probably pretty funny.

Edward, what is your problem? What have the werewolves done, specifically, that makes you think Bella will be instantly torn limb from limb if she so much as eats one bite of outdoor spaghetti?

I would understand Edward's fear if the werewolves had killed thousands of innocent people (like the vampires have done). But the only victim we know about is Emily, and she seems to be getting along all right, scars and all. Edward's doing the equivalent of smacking a glass of water out of Bella's hand because he once heard that someone drowned in the ocean. But wait. It gets worse.

Bella does the dishes and Edward helps. Then he tells Charlie about the plane tickets to Florida, clearly ignoring Bella's wishes to wait before bringing the subject up with Mr. Swan. This is another sign that Edward is a d-bag. And no, I don't mean a Dan-Bag. (Dan-Bags are awesome bags filled with candy and tasty treats that I pack for long car rides.)

At first, Charlie thinks it would be a good idea for Bella to visit her mom. But he quickly realizes that Edward would be going along too, and he flips out. Bella and her dad have a heated argument, with Bella claiming to be an adult, and Charlie reminding her that if she lives under his roof, she will obey his rules. Perhaps if Charlie ate bears and played baseball loudly, Bella would do as she's told.

She threatens to move out. They argue some more. Charlie questions Renee's parenting ability. Bella threatens to tell Renee what Charlie said. And then they both get quiet. She leaves the house with Edward. And we have our very first "glower" of the book. (And the second glower is just a page away!)

Sidenote: The glower/murmur contest is fun, and I encourage everyone to play along. Hunting down these two words has turned this boring, infuriating chapter into a game—a very odd, slightly evil game. Just like Chutes and More Chutes (My more difficult variation on the game Chutes and Ladders).

Bella is mad that Edward told Charlie about the plane tickets. But Edward doesn't seem to care. Why would he? He's obviously the boss of this relationship. He sets the rules, tells Bella how to act and feel, and probably orders Bella around by snapping his finger. Yep, he sure is quite the catch.

Bella assumes, and rightfully so, that Edward wants to go to Florida this weekend so that she won't be tempted to go to Billy's party. But Edward wouldn't let her go to the party regardless of his plans for the weekend, saying, "It wouldn't matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn't be going."

Come on! How can she still look this creep in the face, let alone have feelings for him? He's no good for you, Bella Swan! Leave him this instant! I honestly hope the next 500 pages of the book are nothing but Bella kicking Edward in his necessaries.

But Bella doesn't want to fight with the attractive Edward, and they go to his house to play chess with the other vampires. I might be missing something, but why does no one care about Jasper any more? They just let him play with Bella like nothing happened. He nearly killed her a few months ago, but now it's all fun and games at the Cullen house. Edward, who has forbidden Bella to see the nice and friendly werewolves, is practically waving her in front of Jasper like she's a piece of meat. And shouldn't Bella be a bit concerned, too?

When I was a kid, I went to a friend's house, and his mean dog bit my hand. It wasn't anything major, but it was scary. The next time I went over to the house, I did not play chess with that dog. Instead, I sat on my hands, shaking with fear.

After playing chess, Edward drops Bella off at home and reminds her that he'll be back later tonight to watch her sleep. When she opens the door, Charlie asks to have a word with her. He doesn't seem mad, just uneasy. And it's no wonder. He's going to have a sex talk with her. She tries to get out of it, but Charlie won't let her worm away. He wants to make sure that Edward and Bella are being responsible.

After more uncomfortable dialogue, Bella finally tells her dad that she's still a virgin. And that ends the discussion. She goes to bed, waiting for Edward to come back in an hour. But during this time, she thinks about Jacob, and decides to run out before Eddie returns to see Jake face to face. (You go, girl!)

She grabs her jacket, runs out of the door, hops in her truck, and turns the key...but nothing happens. Then she sees Edward hiding in the cab of the truck. And after what happens next, I would rather suck on used hobo tissues than be friends with Mr. Edward "Bossman" Cullen.

Tattletale Alice called Eddie and told him that she couldn't see Bella's future. Alice cannot see the future when werewolves are involved, so that meant Bella was going to see Jacob. Edward, the same Edward Bella described as the "most perfect person on the planet," then disabled her truck to prevent her from seeing Jacob.

Think about that for a moment. He didn't try to talk to her. He didn't try to make any kind of compromise. He just snipped a few wires and then hid in the truck like a villain. And yet he thinks the werewolves are immature.

Edward isn't cute and flirty. He is nasty and mentally abusive. And it only gets worse!

While the anger builds inside me, Edward promises to fix Bella's car by the time she wakes up. He gets the feeling that she's slightly miffed, and he says he will understand if she keeps her window closed tonight so that he can't climb in. The stunned, angry Bella leaves the broken truck and heads inside. I was hoping she was going to grab the nearest conch shell and blow into it to summon the mighty wolves. But she does not.

In her room, she slams the window shut, blocking Edward's entrance, and for a brief moment I am proud of her. But then the foolish, ignorant Bella opens the window again as wide as possible to let her dreamy, manipulative forever buddy enter and watch her slumber.

What? How? But…Why? The…and then…What?! There isn't a word to explain how I feel about this. Not even the soon-to-be-coined term "Tubnicking Supreme" will do. I just don't know what to say.

This is horrible. Please tell me this was one big joke.

Glowers: 2 (Book Total: 2)Murmurs: 5 (Book Total: 8)

Prediction:
Things are going great between Edward and Bella, especially since he sewed her feet together out of fear that she would try to run. Then he tied bells to her ears so that he could hear her if she moved her head toward Jacob's general direction. And finally, he buried her underground so the nasty werewolf Jacob couldn't find her. Bella and Edward live happily ever after.