Relentless sarcasm for your reading pleasure

Really?

I’ve been collecting some jaw dropping items on Pinterest lately. When I see them scramble onto my iPad only one word comes to mind. Really?

So, you be the judge, folks. Here’s the first one:

Since this comes in various colors, I was considering it. It would increase my cup size to a D at least. But, I worry about those who can’t leave the house without EVERYTHING (ya know, in case you end up in the E.R and they have to surgically remove your panties for….well, whatever). Your boobs would seem kinda chunky with lipstick, stain remover, small calibur handgun and breath mints, no?

Fart Be Gone. That’s right ladies. If you have to fart, you just go right ahead, because this little contraption will trap those nasty fart smells into your panties and no one will be the wiser that you just had two chili dogs and large cheese fries for lunch. I wonder if this comes with a little Febreeze sprayer……

Ok. Look at this picture. Does anyone have time to parse out their meals for the entire week like this? I don’t even have room in my fridge to put all of these containers, let alone slice, dice and make well balanced meals in separate containers to avoid e-coli. WTF? Hello? Whole Foods anyone? Trader Joes?

I think we’re getting a little attached to our Apple products, don’t ya think? We can’t even take a crap in silence without cranking out some tunes….along with our farts. Wait? Who needs farts when you have those panties I just mentioned?

And, while you’re singing and pooping at the same time, you can also weigh yourself. That’s right folks – Take a seat and see how much you weigh. Frankly, I can’t see how this would be an accurate count. I mean, if I’m pooping, my weight would go down, right? If it went up, perhaps this toilet seat scale should also come equipped with a hand gun.

I don’t know what it is with me and “potty humor”, but you “Go Girl,” although ingenious in certain strenuous situations, is something I would imagine becoming a big humiliation. Listen, I’m not a very graceful type of gal. I’m clumsy. I trip over my own feet. For me to use this (and I would probably be drunk at the time), would not work. At all. REALLY.

Let’s talk interior design, shall we? What a lovely octopus chair, said NO ONE EVER.

Speaking of furniture, this nice little table has some swing to it…literally. People swing while they eat. Does this thing come with bibs and plastic utensils? Because someone’s gonna get their eye poked out with a fork or get motion sickness which leads to…well – ya know. The reason for the bib…..

If you haven’t gone to work drunk yet, this is your chance! Mojito donuts. Whoever made this up was working really late that night and didn’t get up in time to “make the donuts” the next morning. These don’t look good.

Neither do these ————>

Now, I like deviled eggs, but who has the damn time to make the middle part look like a fricking pumpkin and put a little piece of “whatever it is” as the stem?