My name is Holly, very soon after my husband and I married in 2009, we knew right away we wanted to start a family. We figured it would be easy. Never once crossing our minds that we would have any issues or complications. All of 2009, we tried and decided to move to the state of Florida in February 2010. I had told my husband right before our move that I would not think about getting pregnant and just let it happen. Well little did we know within 14 days of moving to Florida we fell pregnant. I took a test and there were the lines, I called him and was crying “you are going to be a daddy”!

I had gone to the doctor and they told me that we had conceived on Valentine’s Day and that everything seemed to be perfect. I spread the news like wild fire. As the weeks passed I still felt great. Then one morning I woke up to spotting and knew something wasn’t right. I googled and found a bit of relief knowing that a little spotting was okay. Then it got heavier, I went to the doctor. In this time, my husband had to go to NC to take care of some last minute things with his mother. This was on March 20th. On the 23rd I was driving up to see him and to pick him up to bring him back here to Florida. His birthday was the 25th of March. I woke up that morning feeling okay, not the best and I knew something was wrong. That night after showering I felt a strong pain, I went to the bathroom and I had lost the pregnancy. On his birthday, I was devastated and he was as well.

I went to the ER and they said that my body had removed all the traces of pregnancy and that no D&C was needed. We waited a few months before “trying” again. Fast forward to 2014, for 3 years we had months where we thought I was pregnant again only to experience negatives. August 23, 2014, was my 30th birthday we had planned a big party at the neighborhood bar and was all set. I told my husband during that week something was up because I didn’t feel the same. Aside from me having some spotting and being a week out from my dear Aunt Flow coming I knew I shouldn’t have been spotting.

I went to local store and purchased a pregnancy test and said I would take it on my birthday that morning. So I got up for work to take the test and to my surprise it was 2 lines. The BEST birthday gift ever. I came running to the bedroom waking my husband up and telling him, he was ecstatic. And of course the next thing he said jokingly was that we had to cancel the party. Obviously, we didn’t because we would have lost deposits and so forth. Yet all night people were wondering why I wasn’t drinking, why I wasn’t partaking in the shots that were being bought for me etc. At the end of the night, I could tell my husband was up to something. I could tell he had slipped up and said something to someone. Well the night was over and we went home. I had an appointment scheduled the following week with my doctor. When I went in they did the typical blood work and included the ultrasound. They said that they didn’t see anything, but not to worry because it could have been too early to see anything, but that my HCG levels were fine.

A week passed and I was still spotting so they brought me back in for an ultrasound and blood work. The doctor still couldn’t see anything in my ultrasound and said that it’s possible it was a ectopic pregnancy and they wanted to monitor my blood levels. They drew blood and did the ultrasound a 3rd time and the doctor confirmed it was in my right tube. He gave me two options either I could have the MTX shot or I could go to surgery but either way I had to go to the hospital immediately. My husband and I talked it out and decided on the shot. We did one round of shots (3 total) and that ended our pregnancy. Here we are in April of 2015 and still no other luck. I pray we pray everyday for the opportunity to have a child together, and I have wondered if something is wrong with me. Why either I can’t stay pregnant or why it takes so long to become pregnant. I have an appointment with my doctor coming up to see about doing some tests to see what could be the problem.

I always hear that it will happen when it’s suppose to happen. I sit all the time and think about had we had both our babies. Well the first one would have just turned 5 and most likely be in Kindergarten and I would be wobbling around right now waiting to have the second one as I would be due in less than 4 weeks. I try to not be so hard on myself wondering what did I do to deserve this? What does anyone do to deserve this? Why are we given something for only a short period of time? I get down and hard on myself and try not to stress about it, but it is so hard. I ache for the day that I hear the heartbeat of our little angel, I ache for the day to hold our miracle baby. I know it’s in my cards to be a mother, it has to be. Aren’t we as women put on earth to grow and become mothers? We don’t have the finances for IVF and things of that sort.

When holidays come around and birthdays (due dates) that would have been our babies, I cry,

No matter what anyone says I am a mother of 2 angel babies. I know they are up there with each other.

Comments

I’m so sorry for your loss. I too experienced a miscarrriage, well it was a fetal demise. I lost my baby, Bentley at 24 weeks. We as mother’s never think of things going wrong but it is a harsh reality. I’m currently 21 weeks today. And it still scares me. You will be blessed with a rainbow baby in due time. And when you are I want to hear all about it. God bless!