I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not the greenest person on the block (far from it), but when I can help it, I do try to lead a relatively environmentally friendly lifestyle. Unfortunately, my pets aren’t giving their co-operation.

During my final year of college, we did a semester on environmentalism, which introduced me to the world of “green living” and what it means to be environmentally conscious. Then I worked on an ad to promote an over-priced bathroom fitting company’s drip-free taps, where I got to delve a bit more into the importance of saving water (ever since then, I don’t leave the taps running while I brush my teeth, and although I’d love to say I abide by the “If it’s yellow…”-rule, well quite frankly that’s just gross).

I guess it’s fair to say that I’ve read and heard about environmentalism from a variety of sources, but the one who’s had the biggest impact on me, has to be Leonardo di Caprio in The 11th Hour (yes, I’m that shallow). He did such a good job convincing me to be more ”green”, I wonder if I can get him to come talk to my little pups? He shares a first name with one of them, so maybe I’ll lead off with that. Here goes…

So my poodle puppy’s name is Leo and although the two of you are very similar in facial features and temperament (he’s very reserved and doesn’t like people- just like you!), he doesn’t seem to share your passion for the environment.

I’ve had him for almost 2 weeks and ever since I got him I’ve been trying to train him to well, how do I put this… do his business outside. The problem is, he seems to prefer to do it inside, which for obvious reasons is sort of a problem for me. I know you’re thinking: “And why exactly is this my problem?”

Ha! Well you see his little habit of going inside doesn’t only negatively impact me (Do you have any idea how much time I spend cleaning up after him?), it also impacts the environment (Do you have any idea how much toilet paper I use to clean up after him?).

But wait, there’s more… Do you have any idea how many times a day I flush the toilet, just to clean up after him? (And before you ask: No you can’t throw it in the bin, it’s not sanitary, kind of filthy and for lack of a better word gross.)

I make a compelling point, don’t you think? However if you’re still not convinced, here’s the kicker: Leo is not alone. That’s right, there are two of them. And the second one is bigger, makes bigger and goes more often. There.

Oh greenest of all, please help me! This weighs heavily on my conscience and I haven’t slept in days! Surely you can tap into their clever little minds and convince them to do the right thing? Not for my benefit, but for that of the environment. If you can’t I’m afraid I’ll have to strap some eco-friendly bio-degradable diapers on them and then I’ll probably have Peta on my ass. Besides no-one wants to see a poodle in a diaper. I’m begging you.