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Dear Dr. Phil,
I'm engaged to a fairly powerful and influential man, Ivan, who lives overseas. We've been in a difficult relationship for many years now. During that time, Ivan has made many speeches in which he calls for "death to monogamy" and claims it's his divine right to "bag as many babes" as possible. He frequently calls me the "great Satan" and says I should be exterminated along wi...

ASK DR. BILLINGSGATE: This feature was first published in The New York Times Sunday Edition in October 2006 when Dear Abby was found unable to fog a mirror, and I was asked to stand in. One of the first questions came from then North Korea Foreign Minister, Park Sun.
Dear Dr. Billingsgate:
As Foreign Minister for Kim Jung IL, I find it reprehensible that you imply that Kim Jung's sex slaves...

(After an SNL Skit)
Spokesman: How many times has this happened to the Republican Party? You have an election coming up, and you're trying to find an exciting new candidate who doesn't sound like he was just released from the looney bin. And then a jackass like Donald Trump comes along. You could skin Trump, remove Trump's tail, head and bones, and serve his ass up to the base of the GOP. But...

Bicycling- The growing popularity of this activity illustrates the utterly obvious infiltration of obsessive pseudo-sexual perversion running rampant throughout society like a bicyclist running through a red light at a busy intersection. The term "bicycle" is a combination of two root words meaning bi (as in bipolar or bisexual), and cycle (as in vicious cycle or recycled waste). The underlying de...

Boats
The invention of the boat was another manifestation of man's proclivity to retain his inner animal. In this case it's the fish. Due to the abundance of water on the planet it was difficult to avoid.
The main problem with boats is that they sink and people tend to drown as a result. This can be expected from a vessel invented thousand of years ago. Still they remain a popular mode of t...

NUCLEAR POWER
Here's textbook example of science gone awry. They thought it seemed like a good thing at the time; storage and disposal of the radioactive waste from this exciting new technology can be dealt with later when the next generation can invent an exciting new technology to deal with the problem - a classic case of kicking the can down the road. But in this case they're kicking the buc...

Desktop Computers- The personal computer (PC) was invented as a prosthesis to replace the human brain. As expected our brains have atrophied from the reliance upon such a crutch - and users just can't get enough. Whereas the telephone lets your fingers do the walking, now you can let the PC do the thinking. After all, thinking is too much like work and people have better things to do with their ti...

Motor Vehicles
Automobiles- The term automobile was coined as a marketing spin to imply that this was a self-powered vehicle that provided automatic mobility. The name designation had a two-fold function: The first car companies faced a difficult challenge trying to get horse & buggy drivers to upgrade to the newfangled motorized vehicle, and needed to change public perception about the ben...

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John Boehner Admits: I Am a Woman!

John Boehner today admitted what many have suspected for years, he has a vagina. "I have wanted to bring out the truth for so long said Joan through his tears, now I can cry and nave mascara run!

Grumpy Trumpy

Grumpy Trumpy made quite a squall,Grumpy Trumpy had a great fall.All of Ailes' minions and all of Ailes' punditsCouldn't put his Party together again.

Pirates' Cruise Ship Snack Attack

A motley crew of swashbuckling pirates commandeered a luxury cruise ship off the coast of Somalia and demanded 10 million dollars until the buccaneers dined in the cafeteria and died of food poisoning

Snippets on Sale Again

Okay our last sale was so popular we ran clean out of snippets. So now were going to offer a buy-back program. 100 snippets for the price of 1, that's our final offer. Don't be shy watch them fly!

Chris Christi Licks Sickness

As a result of an intensive three-year psychological reconditioning program under the supervision of Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee, Chris Christi is almost completely cured of his homosexual disease

Self Righteous Wing Extremism

From the summit of Mt. Appalachia with arms raised skyward in a flagrant display of pompous pride and pretentiousness, self-ordained Pope Rick Santorum decreed that he and only he is holier than thou.

US Victim of OPEC Coup

In a sneakily sinister scheme the Oil Pumping Evil Countries (OPEC) dropped the price of crude oil to two cents per barrel, then conquered the US when consumers choked to death from car exhaust fumes.

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Mass Transit Systems
Buses- Buses are the preferred vehicle of perverts because urban commuters pack into these smog-belching behemoths like sardines. It's the ideal environment to squeeze up against sexy women with impunity.
Subways- Subway trains slither through the dark urban underground tunnels like a venomous snakes with a gut full of vermin. At the snake pit station passengers are pic...

FOSSIL FUELS
Like the dinosaurs these filthy fuels should have stayed buried underground. But true to form, energy companies dredged them up from hell to burn us all to hell.
Oil- This grimy goop represents the filthy slime of the industry executives who suck the sludge up from dwindling reserves without reservation. The drilling method is a perverted ritual that symbolizes a gargantuan mas...

SCIENCE
Science is a two-headed sword. Beneficial yet usually misused, with dire consequences. In the recent past scientists insisted that the earth was a flat planet located at the center of the universe, the only planet anywhere with life on it. Those who subscribed to that belief were called The Flat Earth Society. Anyone who suggested otherwise was ridiculed or ignored by the stubbornly sel...

Radio
What was once hailed as revolutionary communication innovation became nothing but a nuisance. Radio seemed like a good idea at the time but later it proved to be a dangerous device in the hands of the wrong people-and it seems like only the wrong people use it. Deadly radio waves permiate the atmosphere wreaking unseen havoc everywhere.
Music- Radio music programming was once a huge c...

Fishing
Fishermen are people who want to call themselves Sportsmen but lack the necessary athletic ability to participant in other sports. Fish are a captive prey trapped in a body of water with nowhere else to go, and are easy targets for even the most inept human predator. Fishermen are also known as anglers because they always have an angle, and never a straightforward approach to the sport...

Laptops- Laptops satisfied consumer demand the same way lapdogs pacify their masters' angst, providing both with companionship. But many laptop users resent the comparison to a lapdog because it automatically infers a link to bestiality, which is a repugnant taboo - and they don't want anyone to know about their perversion.
Computer companies were quick to exploit and capitalize on close...

AIRCRAFT
If man were meant to fly he would have been born with wings is an old cliché that still holds true today. Nevertheless people continue to defy natural law trying to do what they were not meant to do -- with disastrous results. Aircraft were invented by people who were afraid of water so they decided to use the sky instead. Their fear of drowning blinded them to the hazards of gravity.

TECHNOLOGY
Technology holds the potential for world peace, prosperity and a perfect utopian society. But the promise of progress is turns out to be a double-dealing deception threatening the future of all humanity. The betrayal of trust by mad scientists has created enormous obstacles to real scientific progress and caused some of the most menacing problems of society. If this is no accident an...