Thought it would be wise to make good on this story swap thing (and for the record I intend to look at all of your works).

This story of yours is eight months old so I'm not sure how you've improved since then, but I'll at least let you know what I took from this. And first of all, I don't think anything would've been lost by cutting out the pre-timeskip stuff and saving it for a later chapter after we know Jiro and Heria so we can see how these characters met. Jiro's description of how she met him's there anyways as well.

I also feel that Jiro's internal narration feels a bit inconsistent. The way he talks about Heria earlier in the piece there's almost a kind of floweriness to it, which makes sense considering his closeness to her. But later on, when the topic switches to the fact she has a fiancee his narration becomes much more casual and grumbly.

That said, sometimes I think you might be hitting a stumbling block with that flowery speech. The usage of "thou" and "thy" caught me off-guard in the end, and I can't help but feel perplexed by the ending sequence with the prince. It might've also been better to put that at the start of another chapter as well, and instead use the chance to flesh out things with Jiro and Heria.

At any rate, I look forward to seeing how the rest of your stories look and how your style's improved over the months!

Guest chapter 2 . 7/23/2012

Very interesting storylinee! i love ur stories TTTT . When are u going to update this story again btw i love your Obereteru and Gakeun SNPAO *q*