Humor

By Name redacted for fear of possible repercussionsAuthor’s note: Many claims in this article belong to a category of journalism colloquially referred to as Fake News

Netflix’s stock (NFLX) has been in serious trouble in recent times driven by steadily dropping subscriptions, and this decline shows no sign of abating in the near future. Multiple Booth students had invested in the stock, believing that the continuous appreciation in daily usage by Boothies would be mirrored by a corresponding appreciation in the stock price, and alleviate the financial burden of educational loans. (Side note: terrible sampling. Should have paid more attention in regressions).

Demonstrating an admirable degree of resilience, the students attempted to get to the bottom of the decline and found that the decline was being driven by increased competition from an unlikely source: United States politics, and specifically the Presidency.

The public had realized that the political landscape had everything one could ask for in a gripping drama show: underdogs, romance, scandal, betrayal, Omarosa, former pornstars, constantly shifting alliances, villains with strange accents, and one central hero attempting to lead his people in the face of constant opposition. It is unclear if people knew that this was reality, or if they’d constructed an elaborate delusion believing that they were witnessing a TV show. Either way, what they did know is that it was free, and a constant source of fun.

The students’ rigorous reporting unearthed a number of interesting findings that showed just how well-developed this construct of politics as a show was. Identifying as a Democrat or a Republican replaced Team Edward and Team Jacob, (which probably means that poor innocent Bella is America). Global newspapers were devoting vast amounts of space and reporters to the show. The paparazzi attention seemed to be getting to the protagonists, who were increasingly hostile in their interactions with the press, and had completely ceased their attempts to disguise their hostility (ref. Jim Acosta).

The students also stumbled upon an IMDB profile of the attention-grabbing show, parts of which have been replicated below.

Season 1: A successful businessman/reality show host gets sick of the US government deprioritizing the needs of the American people and decides to make the run for the presidency. A rank political outsider, he becomes a figure of jest with most elites complacently believing that his illustrious, better trained opponent will sweep the elections (because who cares about the masses, right). Despite overwhelming odds, he prevails to pull off an unexpected victory*. A bonus mysterious post credits scene seems to suggest that things are being orchestrated by a leader from a cold, distant land. In what seems too much of a literary coincidence, the shadowy leader is first seen riding a bear bare-chested, and later seen sipping delicately on a thimble of vodka while he plots to change the fate of the world.

Et Tu Brute

Season 2: The President wastes no time in making changes and issues executive orders at a rate similar to Eminem’s expulsion of vitriol in Rap God. However, he soon hits a roadblock as people don’t respect his wishes - members of his own administration show insubordination and begin to defy him. In a startling show of misconduct, McDonalds too refuses to change the name of their flagship burger to Big Don, claiming that the burger won’t fit in his small hands anyway - a statement to which Trump justifiably takes umbrage. Moreover, Stormy waters seem to be coming approaching, as details of past romantic dalliances emerge. The season ends with a cliffhanger as his longtime ally and confidant, Michael Cohen betrays his confidence and agrees to help his opposition. Will more sordid details of Trump’s past emerge? Will the red tape of bureaucracy and ethics prevent him from making America Great again?

Why does Mike Pence look like a proud father?

Season 3 (ongoing): An ongoing investigation puts pressure on Trump, and the opposition faction seems to be strengthening. The Democrats seize back some control by winning the House in the midterm elections, meaning that our hero will now have to deal with the pesky rules of democracy in pushing through his well-intentioned initiatives. This becomes very apparent when they deny him his request for a meager set of funds to protect ‘Murica 4eva by building an impenetrable wall along the US Mexico border. Pressure on Trump continues to intensify as an internal investigation gathers steam rapidly. To make things worse, the Democrats are touting a legislative panacea called the Green New Deal that essentially seems to be the Fyre Festival of legislations. In the mid-season finale, our hero is locked in an unblinking stand-off with the enemy, and has shut the government down in an attempt to force the oppositions hand. Is our hero prepared to risk the livelihood of basically everyone to stand for his principles and protect Westeros from foreign invaders? Will the Democrats and the investigation handcuff his presidency? Only time and Robert Mueller will tell.

*as defined by Electoral College. Not necessarily the same thing as what the population voted.

Chicago Business is the Booth newspaper and online news source. Entirely student-run and published every two weeks, the paper is the "voice of the students." The publication updates students and alumni on all the latest Booth life, news, and humor.