AKIN'S WORLD

Judith Regan counts the ways she loves Republican men—the guys who still believe in immaculate conception and Santa Claus, and think rape is sex between two adults and that women bewitch men.

You have to love Republican men like Rep. Todd Akin. They still believe in unicorns and true love. They believe not only in immaculate conceptions, but in spontaneous abortions and magical miscarriages too. They believe in divine interventions and Santa Claus. They believe in the absolute power of the female. They believe we are so powerful, so amazing, so superhuman that we can snap our magic little bewitching fingers and will our own pregnancies to end, especially if we are raped, but then again who really gets raped? I mean really. What is rape? Isn’t it sex between two adults? Seriously, if women stopped having sex outside of marriage no one would get raped.

And then you wouldn’t have to get pregnant and will yourself a miscarriage. If you got married and had a child in a loving home, there would be no crime and all our social problems would be cured. You wouldn’t need public assistance. You’d have a proper father in the home to teach your bastard child right from wrong. Everyone knows that. Worldwide, everyone knows that.

In Saudi Arabia, they know you hot mamas have bewitching powers too. That is why they are building a female-only city so hot babes with college degrees can only look at each other all day long instead of luring men. You know what happens to men when women are present? They grow weak in the knees and bad things happen. It is because of you, you woman you. Stop being so attractive, and hide under your veil.

And if you can’t hide under a veil because it’s 120 degrees outside and you want a place that's more humane, we can be like the super Orthodox Jews in Israel who now have special prescription eyewear to blur women from their line of sight. I don’t quite understand how they work, but then again, I’m a woman. I exist merely as meat for the hungry wolf, an incubator for his progeny and a servant to his needs. All I know is that those “immodestly dressed” females should be put out of sight in one way or another lest bad things happen. And the glasses are a bargain—$6 a pair. That’s nothing, to protect the sanctity of women. That and the modesty patrols should do the trick.

But as the Taliban knows, we sometimes need even more than a pair of special glasses to blur women to avoid temptation. They know we need to “secure environments where the chasteness and dignity of women may once again be sacrosanct." Burqas can sometimes do the trick. No woman is likely to lure a man to rape if she’s covered head to toe in cloth, unless of course she is wearing fingernail polish, in which case her fingertip should be cut off. It is only right.

Everyone knows the face of a woman is a source of corruption for men. Especially in Afghanistan, where men run wild and have weapons and can go for days up and down mountains.

Watch Akin's controversial 'legitimate rape' comment.

Everywhere in the world women have all these crazy bewitching powers.

And in America doesn’t everyone know that women won’t get pregnant unless they really want it? That we will it to happen? That the power of love and magic and God make it happen?

And rape? Incest? Those things don’t really exist. Our God would never let that happen. We live in a world of unicorns and magical thinking where all marriages are love-based, where sex is only for love, where procreation is the product only of a man and a woman who look longingly into each other’s sky blue eyes and say, “I do”. That is where the magic begins. And when God and Tinker Bell and the Tooth Fairy intervene, we have beautiful children and perfect lives. We don’t beat our wives. We don’t cheat on our spouses. We would never commit incest. We wouldn’t even imagine it.

And rape? Incest? Those things don’t really exist. Our God would never let that happen.

And homosexuality? Everyone knows it is against the law. The Law of God. God is in charge. He is directing the traffic, folks. He is making sure that your young daughter who was raped will not be pregnant. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. He is like the Wizard of Oz. Only he is the Wizard of All. You have nothing to fear if you are raped. I mean, who really gets raped anyway?

In our world of unicorns and immaculate conceptions we don’t have rape. We don’t have science. We don’t have biology. Heck, we don’t even have bodies. We only have souls. Souls filled with love and light. Where we live there is only light and joy. Heck, we don’t even have sex. We don’t have to. We just sing beautiful music, hold hands and voilà, a stork brings the baby from heaven.

For here there is no sin. There is no pain. Here there are not even capital gains taxes! Gosh, we have beautiful lawns. Did you see my garage fits five cars now? There is no poverty. There is no need here where we live. What is wrong with you people? Pay for your own mess. What do you mean you can’t get a job? I went to Europe when I was your age and I worked my butt off hiking around Rome and Paris. Why do you need child care? Shouldn’t you just stay home and do your job as a loving mother? Isn’t that what a loving wife and mother does? Why are you complaining? You shouldn’t need child care. Your maid can help. My maid did. And my nanny. You must be lazy. Why can’t you just work hard like we do? Who needs health insurance when you already have it? Who needs birth control when God is directing traffic?

God brought me to you. I love you. Forever. What? You’re pregnant? That can’t be. I thought you were using birth control. I assumed you were on the pill. Isn’t everyone? No. I won’t marry you. I’m already married. Screw you, bitch. You better have an abortion. No, I’m not paying for it. It’s your fault. You should have been on the pill. Don’t call me again. I’ll get an order of protection against you. I’ll have you arrested. I have connections. I’ll tell them you stalked me. I will destroy you. I can. And I will.