Pages

October 17, 2012

Loss

If I never manage to conceive a child of my own, if I give up on this struggle without ever seeing the coveted two lines on the test, I will try to remember *every day* how lucky I am to have never known personally the pain and grief of a miscarriage. I would hope to heaven this thought can temper my sadness and bitterness. Because I have known *too many* women who have experienced that loss, including my sister, and it nearly kills me every time. I don't know how I could go through it myself. I may never realize my dream of motherhood and there is pain and sadness there, but from my position, it seems so far off and blurry - like a dream that isn't happening to me. But to have that dream realized, however briefly, and then *cruelly* snatched away is a pain more severe than I can imagine.

To those of you who have lived through that hell, or are going through it now, you have my deepest sympathy and my greatest admiration for your ability to keep going everyday. You are so much stronger than you know, stronger than I could ever imagine myself being. And I know that is no real comfort, but I still felt that I had to say it.

5 comments:

You are so sweet to write this. I wouldn't have imagined I'd be strong enough to handle a miscarriage, either, and I kinda wasn't--was severely depressed for 6 mths after my first one. But you're stronger than you think you are.

Honestly I don't know if I'm strong or stupid. I usually don't feel strong, that's for sure. I sometimes wonder the opposite of you. I don't know how women do it who never have the chance to see the two lines, regardless of what happens next. My miscarriages put me in therapy, and the strain of infertility along with that wasn't easy. But I think I held on to hope because I did see two lines a few times, even if they never lasted beyond 12 weeks. And I think you're pretty awesome for putting this out there.

Receiving such genuine, heartfelt empathy always brings a lump to my throat. Thank you, you are a truelyawesome human being.

But both boats suck, though yes, there is always a part of me that wishes that none of my 3 failed pregnancies would have taken ... it would have saved me so much heartache. But then, repeat BFNs induce less testing than. Repeat miscarriages, that is the only silver lining I can see.

As for strength to deal with it, before going through loss, I could have never imagined i had it. After, i think my respect for myself rose tremendously, we can sometimes surprise ourselves in a good way :)

But dealing with infertility also requires that same level of strength, applied a little differently-- you are as strong as anybody who has gone through loss and survived.

I once thought I would never be strong enough to survive this sort of loss either, but when it happens, you find a reservoir of strength and perseverance that you never knew existed. But I shall always hope that no other human being has to endure this. And that if they do, may it all be worth it in the end.