Posted on | January 16, 2007 | Comments Off on If you see a sheep, you’ve gone to far

Irish directions contain no absolutes. They are generally vague, ambiguous and completely relative to the point of view of the person giving them. I suspect it’s a hangover from a time when we didn’t need to go more than a mile or two from our homes to conduct any business that we may have had.

These directions were provided by the owners of the house at which I recently stayed in Roscommon. They are from the nearest ‘big town’.

You’ll come to a roundabout – take a left.Usefully failing to mention that since the directions were written, a new roundabout has been inserted, with a left turn that leads to Tesco.

Past the hotel.

Take left at second roundabout.Actually third now, but never mind.

Over bridge – follow roadUseful

Take left

Follow road for six or seven milesI’m not travelling by donkey. I have an odometer. Is it six or is it seven?

Through Village.No name is provided for this village and, although it is capitalised on the directions, it’s not actually called ‘Village’

House on right a mile or two out. You’ll see the Roscommon flag.Very useful unless the damn flag has wrapped itself around the pole so tight that it has been rendered invisible. Still, at least this was an attempt an a landmark of sorts.

Please let me have a town name, a road number or something. Anything to let me know I’m on the right path. No more ‘go right at the tree and it’s a good walk from there’.

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Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.