HOW THE ANIMALS GET HIGH

The point of this anecdote is to illustrate that humans aren’t the only ones who seek out natural highs. The animal kingdom is rife with creatures that like to get on it just as much as we do. Here are a few of our favourite wasters.

Grandmas get bored. They spend most of their time watching TV before ending the day with a custard cream dunked in a tepid cup of tea. So you can’t blame them for getting their kicks wherever they can find them, even if that does involve intoxicating their own pets. You’ve seen it. Grandma goes to the kitchen to make a ham sandwich. Grandma comes back from the kitchen with a pocketful of dried green stuff (cat nip, not weed) that she waves coquettishly in front of her feline life companion. Grandma sends said normally reserved kitty into meltdown: one whiff of this stuff and it’s moaning and rubbing itself against the cupboards and drooling all over the sofa. At first you’re weirded out by this outward display of ecstacy. What did you do to the cat, grandma? Why has it got that strange look in its eye? Is the cat going to die, grandma? And then, after making it through those traumatic first seconds, you find yourself locked in a state of intrigue because actually, the cat looks quite happy. Maybe you want some of what the cat’s had. And so begins a lifelong quest to someday find a plant or chemical that will make you as content as the cat. Thanks grandma.

Elephants

Apparently elephants never forget, which is weird cos they get really messed up. Fermented fruit does the trick, but as long as it’s alcoholic, ’s all good

Dolphins

Sexy funtimes aren’t all we have in common. Flipper chews on toxin-releasing puffer fish, which he passes round his mates. Just like we would with a big phat blunt.

Lemurs

Lemurs get high AF by gently biting red millipedes to release toxins that make them dribble, trip out and then ponder the meaning of life. Probably

Reindeer

Rudolph mongs out on mushrooms. The fungi would be toxic to humans, but reindeer end up bounding around like Bambi frolicking with his mum (before the incident).

Bees

These winged wonders have to be careful because when they get boozy on fermented tree sap, they’re bullied by fellow bees and kicked out of the hive. You’ve been warned.