This is a story which I submitted in your hunt for the truth. I hope the internet publisher will accept it.
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FSM: New discovery with serious implications.

In classic literature the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) has always been referred to as a Benevolent Deity. The gospels of His wrath mostly were considered as to be mere metaphors or folklore, even though His direct influence can be proven with the of use of advanced mathematical and statistical analysis. My new discovery now clearly shows evidence that the disbelief of the human race is also causing Him to start directly punishing non-believers. Before getting into detail about my discovery I will first honor our beloved FSM with a brief statement of how He has enriched my life and guided me to my discovery.

After accepting our beloved FSM as the one true deity, I have spent months roaming the planet and enjoying the splendor of His creation. Also I am a huge diving fan. Never while diving have I enjoyed the great Kelp beds more than after my newfound relationship with our beloved FSM. Where once I was blind now I can see! Diving for shipwrecks now no longer is a mere hunt for treasure, it now is a Holy Pilgrimage to the land of the Pirate Elders. I dare no longer disturb one object. All should be preserved as is. We must not invoke the Divine Wrath.

My journey has also been as test of faith. Everywhere I went and told people about our beloved FSM people laughed at me. Followers of the primitive religions also ridiculed me for wearing pirate clothing. In my heart I felt that our beloved FSM could never allow this to go unpunished. After a long and thorough investigation of signs supporting my suspicion I found out He does severely punish the non believers. It was so obvious that it has just been overlooked for a long time.

The punishment is a great example of His infinite wisdom. Persistent non believers are shown to become progressively unable to enjoy His Divine Substance (HDS). If they are persistent and do try to eat HDS they will get horrible cramps and serious complications, sometimes even resulting in death. This phenomenon has long been known to modern medicine but no relation had yet been established with our beloved FSM. It is called Celiac disease.

In a large group of affected families (n=40) we found serious linkage with non-belief and Celiac Disease. 90% of affected individuals proved to be non-believers. The remaining 10% at first seemed to disprove my theory and linkage but when we suspected blasphemy to be a involved as a major player we could quickly account for 100% of the affected cases. For these findings we used a standard optimized test in compliance with DSMIV guidelines.

The implications of these discoveries are numerous. We are getting clear evidence why we should immediately start teaching our kids in schools that not believing in our deity can cause death and inevitably leads to a horrible life deprived of HDS. Also all blasphemy against our beloved FSM should be banned and severely punished to show our commitment to our Divine Creator. Currently work is being done on the relationship between wearing Pirate Clothing and Celiac Disease and we are in the first stage of assessing if using standard SRI-treatment (Serious Religious Indoctrination) and Pirate Paraphernalia can be useful as a remedy.

With this research I want to contribute to the greatness and understanding of our beloved FSM.

Yes it has to be said, the FSM is a benevolent Noodle. But perhaps we should widen our search for meaning wider than consideration of the Anti-Pasta. Statistics can be misleading and factors overlooked. There may be some unlooked for causality which would reduce the stats to non-significance relating to the FSM but point to a linked statal mean value. Another avenue that occurs to me is that there may in fact be some advantage incurred by this condition; perhaps His Noodliness is at work here but we just haven't seen the Great Plan.

Grand Deducer Watson of Sherlock. NoName, no pack drill. Astral zone changed five times a day (flexible). Great at manifesting parking spaces by thought control. Hatred of terminology of survivors and commitment to win-win reality.

This is of course only preliminairy research data in form of a press release. I'm still working on the real article, which will be in PDF format and is way more elaborate. Everybody who has ever written a scientific article knows that it cannot be done overnight. Patience is the key to good science and presentation.

Celiac disease is a disorder that affects 1 in 1331 Americans5. Symptoms of celiac disease can range from the classic features, such as diarrhea, weight loss, to latent symptoms such as isolated nutrient deficiencies but no gastrointestinal symptoms. The disease mostly affects people of European descent, but recent studies show that it also affects Hispanic, Black and Asian populations as well6. Those affected suffer damage to the villi, which are small Flying Spaghetti Monster(FSM) like appendages, of the lamina propria of their intestines when they eat specific antigens found in all Divine Substances (DS) (like spaghetti) which is known to be the major component of the Universe. Our new data provides a novel insight into the disease and shows clear and direct involvement of the FSM in the etiology of the disorder.

Grand Deducer Watson of Sherlock. NoName, no pack drill. Astral zone changed five times a day (flexible). Great at manifesting parking spaces by thought control. Hatred of terminology of survivors and commitment to win-win reality.

I am aware of the serious implications. It is still feasible that the FSM is a loving one. He does not directly cause death and sufferers from the disease are offered substitutes.

Yet the total loss of true spaghetti cannot be ignored. This clearly is a sign. Why would a benevolent FSM deny anyone his noodly goodness unless he wanted to get a point across? He is already in anger and causing global warming. Yet we still do not wear pirate clothing 24/7.

I have the deepest belief that the curing of the patients lies within the reach of science. We just need to figure out what pleases FSM the most. My bets are on pirate related things and worldwide conversion to spaghettimonsterism.