"I am overwhelmed by the heavens, overwhelming to the earth.People wish me to rush unseen and comfort them when they are alone.People demand I depart when I am not needed, too much chaos to control.I am both needed and yet feel unloved. Simple to embrace... ...seemingly impossible to capture.

I'm glad that I ran into this post. I took some time reading it, and I can completely relate to everything. I was just diagnosed with depression yesterday. Ever since I started university, and started living alone, I've had trouble getting up in the morning, that I was occasionally late to my morning classes. I don't want to do anything. My eating cycle is completely ruined; one day I eat nothing, the other I pig out on as much food as possible. Ideas are swimming in my head, but I don't even want to get up and start writing. Even drawing has become lost on me. I feel like I'm becoming empty, my emotions fading away, and I fear I might become a body with an empty soul. The realisation hit me hard yesterday, and I felt angry and horrified at the same time. I have never felt so alone, and so sad, but I also don't want to see anyone. I miss my parents, but at the same time, I want to blame them for allowing me to get that far. I've decided to seek for help, and I'm still waiting for my appointment.

It's great that you have taken this step to write this amazing post. Hats off to you, and your bravery. You're amazing.

Hello Rhedyn and everyone else connected to this topic. I am new around here and I hope it is ok if I just leave a little comment here.

I have never experienced anything even close to depression, but my wife fights this "demon" for a long time. I am always there to help her against this giant beast inside her pulling her down.

I am glad to find this blog, because it is impossible for me to understand what is going on inside her. I don't know why, but she as well feels that others, finding out about her problem, might look at her like on a defective person. Even though she uses the anti-depressants, sometimes it is just to strong even with this little white round-shaped help she has.

I have read only few entries so far, but maybe thanks to you guys, your strenght to share your insights into this matter, which perhaps will bring me closer to understand what exactly we battle against.

Welcome, VerrucktenKrahe. As Remiel said and as this thread proves you are definitely not alone. Thank you very much for your kind words and for posting a response. You may not believe me when I say it but you're amazing too. I applaud you for seeking help, that was unbelievably brave and I really hope that it is the start of your journey out of the downwards spiral <3

Welcome too, Ethmerrai. Thank you for stopping by with your thoughts. I'm glad that some of what has been posted here has been helpful to you. I think it says a lot about you as a caring individual to want to understand what your wife is dealing with. I also think it can be just as difficult dealing with depression from the point of view of a loved one of someone that has depression just in a very different way.

~offers hugs to you both and leaves plenty for anyone else who wants/needs them as well~

Hey, all. I have depression, as well as chronic social anxiety. I've been through what was probably the worst part of it in my life already, but it frequently rears its head. I've sought extensive help, and I'm medicated. It took a long time, and a lot of struggle, but to those who feel like they can never escape the pain I say that it is possible. There is hope. If it is chronic, it won't go away, but you can help yourself manage it in order to lead a better life.

Thanks a lot, Rhedyn and Remiel, for the hug and welcome. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone, and I will definitely push through this condition with all my might. I'm even doing my best to fight this alone. I got a book called Feeling Good, by David D. Burns, M.D. I was recommended to read this book, so I checked it out of the library and will give it a considerable read.

Hey, all. I have depression, as well as chronic social anxiety. I've been through what was probably the worst part of it in my life already, but it frequently rears its head. I've sought extensive help, and I'm medicated. It took a long time, and a lot of struggle, but to those who feel like they can never escape the pain I say that it is possible. There is hope. If it is chronic, it won't go away, but you can help yourself manage it in order to lead a better life.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences and welcome to the thread

Thanks a lot, Rhedyn and Remiel, for the hug and welcome. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone, and I will definitely push through this condition with all my might. I'm even doing my best to fight this alone. I got a book called Feeling Good, by David D. Burns, M.D. I was recommended to read this book, so I checked it out of the library and will give it a considerable read.

You're very welcome! That's good to hear. Hold onto that strength and determination, I've found that there will always be really dark days but eventually things do get better. I like to think that the bad patches make the good patches seem even better

A friend of mine shared this with me. From what I gathered it explains very well what it's like to have depression to people who don't suffer from it. Maybe it can help enlighten some of the close ones or loved ones of the peeps inhabiting this blog.

That's is a very good article..I like the fact that its in general lay mans terms without all the medical garble that people overlook or scan over. I can relate to every instance..been there and don't want to go back.I hope everyone is able to enjoy the glorious day ahead of us.

I wanted to share this after having a particularly trying couple of weeks. My anxiety levels have been through the roof thanks to certain things going on in my life and I was worried I would fall into a downward spiral. I could feel it happening, knowing it's coming is just as bad as when it arrives. It became a case of just taking it one day at a time, sleeping through when I needed to, allowing myself to have that time 'off' guilt free. It took about a week of varying degrees of rest and time but gradually I found my way back out again. I know how hard it is to hang on during those patches, those days, weeks, months, even years where it's bad. I have to remind myself of this often when I'm in a head space to acknowledge it:

I have suffered from depression since I was 11. It runs in the family, and I had some traumas before and after that age. I have degrees - at my worst, it's the Purples (Deep Blues).

I'm 37 now, and I find it more and more difficult to remember myself before the depression settled upon me. I have days where I struggle to get out of the house even to check the mail or go to the library (my sanctuary outside my home). On top of the depression I have C-PTSD, so...yeah.

When I feel myself going down, I try to read or listen to something funny. I tend to want to escape - I'm not a people person, so I escape into books or music. I know it's time to call the dr/possibly adjust meds when I can't even laugh.

This is a good thread to visit, because so many of us have been, or are currently at, where you are...we understand. Sometimes just knowing that, knowing that there are others who both empathize and sympathize, can shrink that vast wall of darkness around you a little bit.

I've been writing a book for a while now--when I have the time and inclination--and the main character suffers from bipolar 2 disorder, which is mostly like bipolar 1 but without the manic episodes...the same thing I have. Sometimes writing a character who deals with the same problems you have is a kind of therapy in itself, and I make every effort to write as much as I can to do so. One of her lines in talking about how she was feeling while depressed just came out one night from my own experiences:

Quote

She sat on the bed and felt the tears come as she untied her shoes and raised one to throw, and the thought came that she shouldn't disturb Kieran because he'd had a long day, too. All of the life seemed drained from her like the bottom of a bathtub had been knocked out, and she dropped the shoe, feeling more tired than ever. The self-pity tried to rise to fill the space, but the bottom of the tub must have still been gone, because it couldn't take hold, and it, too, fell away, leaving a wide, hollow emptiness inside her, a fragility like old glass, and a slowly growing sense of loneliness that left her feeling cold and small, very small.

I had another part I can't quite remember word for word, but she describes how she feels is like having been dropped in a vat of acid as far as the emotional pain, and left there until everything good was bleached out of her existence. Sometimes just going back and reading my own stuff sometimes helps a little, though I can't really explain why. It makes me think of that part in Contact where Matthew McConaughey is telling Jodie Foster about a religious experience he had: "I'm a reasonably smart man...but my intellect couldn't touch this." When you're suffering from depression, all the logic in the world means nothing. You can know what is going on in your brain, the chemistry, the reasons...and it doesn't help it to go away.

I recently read an great web article on this topic- which I now, of course, can't find again. The author was talking about trying to explain to people, her therapist included, that advice like 'just try to imagine tomorrow being better' etc. was simply not a functional mindset for her.

She described each day as walking down a grey, featureless hall with a door at the end of it. When she got through the day, she opened the door. And stepped into the next grey, featureless hall. And so on.

It was the first time I stopped feeling like trying to describe my own depressive episodes to people was just whining.

I sometimes feel like Elliquiy has been one of my sources in solaces. One of my simple, yet complicated pleasures. Aside from the appeal to the site that draws people in the first place -- you discover that you make many friends in the process. Even though I have don't have a writing history to speak of... I feel like I've made friends here that I wouldn't trade for the world.

After some friends of mine have moved on or have been too busy for me, I slowly find some old pride in me returning.

"If they are too busy for me, then they don't need my time, energy or imagination. There are plenty of others that treasure what I offer them. And funny enough... some of those friends happen to be on Elliquiy."

It is just kind of funny to me. I thought this was a friendly place, but I'm more blown away that this place isn't just "all business". It's community is very tight knit... generally, we help each other and look out for one another. It is quite moving, to be honest.

For a long time, I just thought depression was something that happened to other people. I always thought of myself as calm and collected. Strong and stable. It has been a long time since I felt this alone and lonely.

I guess getting old is one of the things no one can evade. I feel helpless. My mother is fading, she doesn't seem to be wanting to live. That depresses me even more. How can I tell her she is loved and needed when she is lost in her memories of being with my dad. He has been gone for fifteen years now. She talks about him like he is just away for the day. Like he is still around. I think she is in her final years and just does not have the mind to think and comprehend anymore. Nothing can be done to fix it. She is old and that is part of it.

I have taken over her bank account, as she wished me to do several years ago. I pay her bills, make sure she eats, and help her when she forgets how to turn the TV on or off. We have talked about moving, to be closer to my sister and my youngest son, and my two grandkids. But the move is almost overwhelming to contemplate. It's a lot of work to clean out all the junk from many years of accumulating.

No one lives near us anymore who is family. My oldest is an hour and a half away. He will come up if I ask, but he only stays for a short time, then he is gone again. I guess talking to a couple of old ladies is boring. So I sit here on the computer all day and write. And read, and try to keep from sinking lower.

Thank you all for giving me this place to vent. I cannot tell you how important it is to me to know I am not alone. I pray for all of you who are depressed. I know my problems are small compared to some of you. God keep us all safe and sane.