5 Ridiculous (Safe for Work) Fetishes

#2. Statues

Statues are monuments to great historical figures. They adorn museums, courthouses and the lawns of the rich and famous. They're also, you know, kind of cute. Come here, statue of Abraham Lincoln. Take off your clothes... can you take off your clothes? Fuck. Statues can't take off their clothes. It's OK. We appreciate you, Lincoln. You're rock solid; sleek... dare we say: sexy? Yes, we dare say.

There are two subsets to the statue fetish: those with agalmatophilia (literally "statue lover") and the Medusa fetishists. They're different because they're attracted to different types of statues. We could imagine a heated stare-down at the next StatueCon if we wanted to, but, no, we don't want to imagine that.

The Medusa fetishists are attracted to people who get turned into stone. All of their masturbatory material is created with pirated versions of Photoshop, so it's as easy as plucking girls off MySpace and using some filters to add some hot, erotic stone.

Needs more lens flare.

The agalmatophilia guys are simply turned on by actual, real-life statues. The fetish first came to the attention of psychologists by Richard von Krafft-Ebbing in his book Psychopathia Sexualis. The publishers were probably too pissed off about fitting Ebbing's massive name onto the cover of his book that they let him choose a title that nobody would fucking buy. Ebbing recorded a case, in 1877, about a guy who attempted to have sex with the Venus de Milo. You can imagine how that went. We're certainly not going to.

"OH MY DEAR SWEET SEXY GOD"

It Gets Weirder...

Here we have the video of a seemingly mild-mannered lady getting very, very emotional over "Libby," her apartment-scale Statue of Liberty:

For some reason that was much weirder than if it'd just been some dude humping it.

YouTube Responds:

"a vibrator isn't human either, whats the difference."

"Although I felt somewhat voyeuristic...I was interested by this video. Even though I don't understand your attraction (in a physical/sexual sense) to these objects, I certainly don't think you're crazy. Since childhood, I have felt as though EVERYTHING is alive, and that everything has a spirit - even inanimate objects..."

We need to interject here to thank this YouTube commenter for that beautiful idea. Take Michelangelo's Statue of David. You have a young David defeating, against all odds, the mighty Goliath, you can't help but feel like his spirit is living inside of this grand marble statue. Trapped, if you will, unable to move or speak. Stuck forever in a statuesque Hell from which he can never escape.

What of our office vending machine? Does it eat our quarters and stick our candy bars in unreachable places because it's lonely and angry? We're hungry and we think reaching our hands into its gaping maw to retrieve some snacks is turning into a bad idea.

#1. Gas Pedals

These people get off on repeatedly pushing down on gas pedals. Why? Well, our research for this article has found that "why" pretty elusive when dealing with fetishes. This does seem loosely related to the more common foot fetish. But then you have to ask what makes people have a fetish for feet and well, it's probably best to just go with it. Or better yet, not.

You're welcome to do your own research at Pedal-Pumping.com, which advertises itself as the "Pedal Pumping Foto and Leg Fetish site with video clips of Brake Failure, gas pedal pumping, revving, stuck cars, stalled engines, stranded in a car, women, girls and ladies trying to start cars etc... "

Wait... "Brake Failure"?

It Gets Weirder...

Well, what do you know. Search YouTube for "gas pedal" and the very first result is as creepy as these get, complete with the off-camera voice instructing the performer: "Now both feet on the pedal...Yeah! Pump it! Pump it right!

"Dont be so rude to her, I make these pedal pumping videos with my wife and the only way to do it right is so that she is having fun too. First tell Barbara what you want her to do and let her improvise. Hope to see more of your pedal pumping films and I hope both of you have fun while shootin those clips. Peace!"