… entries of a girl with a condition

Menu

Confused…

CONFUSED…. LOST… UNCLEAR…. Am more than perplexed with the zillion thoughts racing through my mind all the time. I understand that its a byproduct of bipolar disorder. And am learning to deal with it as well. But the fatigue it causes is, inexplainable.

I want to be single. I want to date. I want to be sluttish. I want the comfort and security of a full fledged relationship. I want to socialise, I want to continue being sociopathic. I want to cuddle. I hate being touched. I want love and passion and compassion. I hate emotions and dont understand emotional behaviour. I am sentimental. I cant empathise.

What do I do? I know I can be extremely productive if all my needs were taken care of and I didnt have to bother myself with mundane tasks such as those. I could be distant and calculating and I would be awesome at work. But then… there is me that wants a husband and a family and to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Now am sure everyone has these conflicts. And you could possibly find a middle path between the two. The problem is that I hate middle paths. I hate mediocrity. It HAS to be one or the other. Why cant I just lead 2 totally different lives? That way I get the best of both worlds?

Day before after my session I went out with a younger guy and I made out with him in the cinema hall. Our intention was that and hence we chose a lame ass movie. Am now planning a 4 day trip with an ex. All this am doing secretly lest my family finds out.

WHY? Am I not single? After all the drama I do of not caring, why am I now trying to fit in?? Why?