Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Reassurances

Last night, I dreamt of my grandfather. Until I was ten, I lived about ten minutes from him and my grandmother, so I saw them often. We wrote letters to one another when I was in college, which, I later learned, my grandmother never knew. He passed away my senior year. He wasn't the warmest man ever, but he always had a special place in his heart for me, since I was his only granddaughter. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I remember him in it. I remember him saying something about reappearing in my life when the time was right. And I remember him telling me that everything was going to be okay. Despite a rather disturbing dream immediately following that one, I work up with an odd feeling of peace.

The odd feeling of peace may also have been brought on by the fact that my OB called yesterday evening. She said she didn't want to be Pollyanna-ish, but she felt good about this time. I expressed my concern that my betas were super-high. She said that while there is such a thing as too-high betas, she wouldn't put mine in that category. I was just glad she called, since she certainly didn't have to, and I didn't expect her to. As I have said before, I heart my OB.

The third possible cause of the peaceful feeling to which I awoke is that a friend came to visit work yesterday with her 2 year old and ten week old sons. I got to kiss the little one's soft, fuzzy baby head and give him his bottle, while he looked at me with the adoration due the person providing that which sustains him. It was truly awesome.

Of course, with the drop in anxiety levels comes a concomitant rise in feelings of vulnerability, which, in itself, seems to be bringing the anxiety levels back up a bit. I wish I could wake up and have it be next Tuesday, the date of my first appointment. Or perhaps I could wake up some time in March, hopefully during an uneventful second trimester. Or, better yet, perhaps I could wake up with a baby in my arms, bypassing this whole ball of stress entirely. I know I wouldn't really want to miss all of this, but there is some appeal.

2 comments:

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better nerve-wise. If I had a vote, I would say wake up with a baby in your arms and then get to come back and experience it knowing that everything will be just fine. If we are dreaming, that it what I pick.

About Me

P and I got married in the summer of 2005, three years after we got engaged. We started trying to conceive two years later and were incredibly lucky to succeed on the first try. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be, as there was something wrong with the baby's heart and it stopped beating. Miscarriage is super common, but we were still shocked it happened to us. This is our story -- a story of loss, trying again, and life in general.