I used to, until I read a book by Stephen Covey, called “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. In that book he discusses the fruitlessness of worrying or complaining about things that are out of our control. People complain about the weather, taxes, or any number of things that just happen and are out of their control.

There are lots of things we can do to mitigate challenges in our lives. We can take care of our health to avoid costly medical bills. We can manage our money, so we don’t miss payments and can plan for retirement. We can improve our skill set, so we are always viable in this fast-paced society.

Complaining about things that occur in our lives is really a waste of time. Things happen. One of my colleagues told me something a while back that was truly eye-opening. He said, “Remember, things happen for us, not to us.” What a great way to look at all the things that occur in our lives that just happen.

There are a few things I have come to believe in my life. First, everything is in its rightful place in the worlds of God. God is perfect. God doesn’t mess things up. There is a reason for everything. What is the reason? We are here to learn how to be better spiritually. Subsequently, what the human consciousness deems evil, bad, or unfortunate means nothing at the God-level.

Second, there is a lesson to be learned in every problem we face. If you agree with our purpose of existence—to learn, then each problem or situation we are placed in is an experience. These experiences are designed to teach us. They teach us what to do, what not to do, and how to be a more loving being. A being that knows how to give love and receive love.

Finally, everything happens for a reason. Many times, we don’t see the reason behind something that happens outside of us that affects our life. Maybe you needed to meet someone. Maybe you needed to go to a certain place. Maybe you needed an example of what not to do. The possibilities are endless and, in most cases, are a little bit outside our level of consciousness so that we “stretch” a little.

Sometimes we complain because we are helpless. We are unhappy with our current situation. Keep the above three things in mind when you begin singing the “woe is me” song. Instead, take a moment to be grateful for the situation you are in. There is a lesson to be learned. I have found when I take a moment to express gratitude for my life, regardless of my circumstances, life gets easier, lighter, happier.

I hope you enjoy your weekend! It’s great to be back from Phoenix and get back to work on the things I enjoy doing, particularly writing these daily postings for you, my readers. I hope each of you finds some wisdom in these words and they help you. That is the primary purpose of my blog. I’m not here to make money. I’m not here to be an affiliate for any company. I just want to spread the knowledge and wisdom I’ve gained throughout my life with the hope that perhaps my words will help someone else.

They say there is truth in all humor. This quote demonstrates that. How many times have you gotten into a squabble with a significant other, right before you go to bed? You are having a nice conversation, and then….(you know the rest).

Going to bed angry is a horrible thing. First, you can’t sleep anyway. Second, your significant other can’t sleep either. Why go to bed this way? Keep discussing, keep arguing, keep listening to one another. Arguments come about when there is an unspoken hurt. We all hurt one another. In long-term relationships, we hurt one another over time without knowing it.

These little spats can be healthy for a relationship because it is nothing more than one person expressing that hurt to their partner. Instead of escalating these fights, accept responsibility. You love him or her, right? Why not let them be right? People reciprocate what they perceive to be given to them. A slight here or there builds over time, particularly if it is not addressed when it occurs. This is why so many arguments appear to come out of nowhere. They are literally a buildup of slights or transgressions over time.

Stephen Covey, in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, discusses what he deems “The Emotional Bank Account”. This bank account is a metaphor for a person’s feelings toward another based on that person’s ability to contribute or subtract from their partner’s emotional bank account. If you make too many withdrawals over time without making any deposits, these arguments are one result of that.

How do we avoid these arguments? We really can’t. This is part of the relationship’s growth. Each of us goes into a relationship thinking we know the other person. Over time, particularly when you are with that person every day, we begin to realize there is so much more to learn about that person. As we learn about them, we slowly discover other things about them. We learn what hurts and what makes them happy. We learn what makes them sad and what makes them laugh until their gut bursts.

Sometimes an emotional deposit can be as simple as saying “I love you” before you head to work. At other times it could be a nice dinner out or a night of dancing. Put some effort into making deposits into your partner’s bank account consistently. The more consistent your deposits are the better chance you have of avoiding any misunderstandings that arise when you overdraw their emotional bank account.

Listen to your partner. Do unprompted, nice things for your partner. Things that have meaning to them. Take some time this weekend and do something nice. Make them breakfast in bed, let them pick out a movie they like (and you don’t) and watch it with them, take a walk, take them out for a coffee and listen to them. Spend some time finding out about their week.

Little things grow into big things later. If you really love the person you’re with give them some time to show them that.

Ever wonder why things that are bad for us are so easy to do and the things that are good for us are so hard to do? I have read a string of books by Stephen Guise and this is one thing that pervades his work. The bad things that are easy for us to do are there because they are easy and bring almost immediate rewards. Because they are easy and bring rewards each time, we do them, they become habits.

Conversely, the good things we want to do for ourselves are not so easy. They must be learned or practiced, which takes time. They also give us rewards but they are not instantaneous.

Bad habits like binge-watching television, eating junk food, or mindlessly surfing the Internet are all so easy to do and rewarding. We literally need zero effort to accomplish these things.

Good habits like reading every day, writing every day, exercising every day, or learning every day take work. They deliver tremendous benefits over the long-term but only if we make them habitual.

Our brains are wired to resist change. When you have a food manufacturer that offers a “healthy” option that takes 3 minutes in a microwave to prepare—beware. The rewards for this option are easy to cook and get into our bellies. The huge disadvantages are the chemical soup that is within each of these so-called, “healthy” meals, the overabundance of salt, sugar, and fat, and the preservatives, unnatural coloring, and processing that occurs that change whole foods into “Franken foods” (Stephen Guise uses this in a book I just finished about weight loss.)

If you are unsatisfied with your life, look at what you do every day. Are you on autopilot or are you making conscious choices about how you fill your day? Are you moving toward anything meaningful or are you just filling your day with meaningless activities?

I’m not trying to guilt you out. I am merely asking the question. If you are totally happy with your life as it is—don’t change it.

If you are unhappy with your life, take some time to contemplate what is missing. Take inventory of how you feel. Examine your emotional states. Are you bored? Are you stressed? Do you feel terrible and apt to get sick more than most people? Do you have back problems or issues with obesity? Are you depressed?

If any of these things sound like you and you’re tired of feeling or being this way, take some steps to make a change. You don’t have to strike out on some crazy crusade. Too big of a change will not work. You will try for a day or so and digress to your old patterns and behaviors. Make really small changes. Changes that don’t require too much willpower or motivation to accomplish.

If you’re wondering why I ask all these questions and tend to gravitate toward this subject matter on most of my postings, there is a reason. I used to be that guy. I could play video games for 24 hours a day. I could binge watch entire seasons of shows on Netflix, all while stuffing my face with absolute garbage. What was the result? A back surgery that put me down for 2 years, walking around with a back brace. Massive weight gains up to 247lbs before I put a stop to that. The loss of not one, but three separate marriages. I also filed for bankruptcy—twice!

I’m trying to provide advice to people who may be in the same situation as I was. It is a horrible place to be when you realize one morning that you can’t make yourself do what you know you should do. I was really in a very dark place.

How did I turn things around? I took some time to do some research. I began searching for information about how we form habits. I began looking for information about how to make changes. I began to examine the things other successful people were doing each day that made a difference in their lives.

My searches resulted in some books that I re-read every year. These books are here for you. Read these books and put the suggestions they offer to good use. These books changed my life for the better and will do the same for you—promise.

Booklist:

Mini Habits by Stephen Guise

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity by David Allen

The Shariyat-Ki-Sugmad by Paul Twitchell

These books helped me create a personal framework for self-improvement. They gave me categories of life to cultivate. They gave me a meaningful way to write down my goals, plan my weeks and days, and utilize an “outside brain” instead of depending on my own brain for everything. They taught me how to make very small changes that have a lasting and awesome impact. They opened my mind to wisdom, truth, and provided me with an architecture of what our existence is truly about.

My levels of self-discipline, motivation, and determination are on an entirely different plane. I found that our improvement never ceases. There will always be another plateau to reach, another level of proficiency to attain, a new area to explore. It all starts with very small steps.

If you are tired of the way things are in your life, take some time to read one of these books. I would recommend Stephen Guise’s book first. It is the easiest read and contains the means of starting your transformation with very little effort. His book is the one that jump-started my journey.

“Amazing how we can light tomorrow with today.” – Elizabeth Barret Browning

For those of you who are pursuing a “mindful” life, know how important it is to truly live in the moment. We cannot correct the past; we can only fret the future. Worrying about the past paralyzes us with the fear of failure and sets up expectations of future issues based on what “happened before”. Worrying about the future only brings anxiety. How do we really control all of the infinite amounts of variables that truly predict what we will end up doing?

Every year I read Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. One of the major epiphanies for me is Covey’s focus on what he calls the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern. The Circle of Influence (COI) is you, focusing on the present moment, laying your plans and executing your priorities. The Circle of Concern (COC) is the past, the future, and all of those things, people, and events you have no control over. People that reside in the COI pay attention to what they can affect and that one thing only. They make plans, execute their plans, and adjust accordingly in the moment.

Those that live in the COC, are so worried about past mistakes they never endeavor to do anything, other than the mundane things that are not risky. They are more worried about what someone else is doing than they are, and they are consistently looking for something “out there” to alleviate their pain.

It is obvious which circle is more beneficial. Another interesting facet of this is the way these circles evolve. The COC people’s circle of concern, if not checked, will continue to expand and their lives will appear to be more and more out of their control. The CIC people, however, will experience greater freedom and control because their circle of influence will expand.

Folks, concentrate on you and stop worrying about the things you cannot control. Focus on the present moment. Dream about what you want, create a plan, and execute it, with the faith that there is enough for everyone. You will feel 100% better, more relaxed, and will feel more control over your life than you ever have before.

“I’m not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” – Stephen Covey

So many people who have problems to solve want to lay the blame for these problems on someone else, or something outside of themselves. Although comforting in some ways, it is a poor way to lead one’s life. It’s so easy to blame parents, your boss, a loved one, or the weather. The difficult road is to face yourself in the mirror and realize that you are the product of every decision you have made.

Honesty is the beginning of improvement. When we are honest with ourselves and truly take ownership of our situation in life, only then can we begin to take the actions that will lead us to a better tomorrow. Are you unhappy with your health or appearance, are you unhappy with the amount of money you make, are you unhappy with some of your relationships, are you unhappy?

Happiness starts within. It’s that simple. You choose to be happy or to be miserable. This is the first step. You have to be happy with yourself and not look for happiness elsewhere. If you are looking for something out there, you’ll always be looking. The same goes for only being happy when the circumstances are right, or some event occurs. Take a look at the people who are always influenced by outside circumstances. If everything is right they are happy, if something happens outside of themselves they are not happy with they are not happy. Can you visualize the roller coaster these people ride?

Once you realize that happiness is an attitude a way of thinking every day you’ve taken a huge step. Next, we have to look for the things we want to improve. Is it your appearance? If so, what about your appearance do you want to change? If it’s weight loss or lean muscle gain, do some research, figure out how you should eat, put together a plan, and begin working toward that goal.

If it’s money, think about what you need to do to make more of it. Is there a chance for promotion in your current firm or are you in a position that does not avail you of a promotion opportunity? If you can’t get promoted, then it’s time to look for a new position. Look around the Internet for job advertisements, improve your skill set, put together a plan and execute.

The key to self-improvement is determining where you are right now, then determine where you would like to be. Once you know these two things you can begin formulating a plan that will help you attain what you want. Plan on mistakes, setbacks, and faults in your plan, particularly if you are attempting something you’ve never done before. This is all about the learning process.

Sometimes you don’t need to start from scratch. If you do a little research, you may find someone else that was in your position and learn how they got themselves out of it. Learn from them, instead of making the same mistakes they did. This will not only help you grow but will also help you formulate a better plan.

The next time you start feeling sorry for yourself, take a quick inventory. Are you letting outside circumstances control you? Are you blaming someone or something else for your current situation? If you are STOP! You cannot control other people. You cannot control the weather. You cannot control anything that is outside of yourself. You can only control how you interpret and react to circumstances. It is your attitude that dictates how you feel.

Be honest with yourself, find happiness within you, and change your circumstances to the ones you want. No one is responsible for where you are but you. I wish you well on your self-improvement journey.