Letters To Superman

Mr. Superman,

Dude, I’ve never written a letter like this before… and I totally respect all the good you do for everyone… maybe you could help me out?

The superintendent of my apartment (not the landlord this is his brother-in-law ) is starting to enforce all sorts of weird rules (no scented candles, no parties, etc) and it’s only because he wants me and my girlfriend out of the building, and that’s only because we don’t pay our rent (long story).

Any chance you could do something here? I’m not talking about killing the guy (although I wouldn’t mind) but maybe like just dangle him from the rooftop while I threaten him… or a hospital job like they say in the movies? I just really need some justice and I figure you’re the man.

- Danny Romano

Dear Superman,

I have been a good all year and I would like Dora the Explorerer bike and Hanna Montana rok star guitar. Also I want Justen Bebber clothes and stickers. My brother wants a light-saver from star wars. Can you get this for us? I will be so happy merry Christmass love, christina

- Christina Phillps

Superman,

I realize you get a lot of requests, most from people with worse problems than mine, but I urge you to read my entire letter before deciding on a course of action. My dog Zero died last Autumn, the result of my wife accidentally crushing him with our Subaru. Zero was only two years old and had many good years ahead of him… I often miss his companionship and the love that he brought to me, my wife, and our two children.

If you could somehow find it in your heart to circle the earth and reverse the rotation of the planet to turn back time so that I might get a second chance at saving Zero’s life I would be grateful beyond all words. Please see the date & location of the incident with the attached photographs… a timely response would be appreciated. (We're leaving for Maui on the 27th)

Best wishes, Bryan Alan Sheinbaum

“superman?”

You think you’re a hotshot dipshit just because you’re invincible? Just because women prefer you over me…? I don’t think you’re so tough I think you’re a pathetic coward with a lot of explaining to do. Who made you judge and jury for what’s right and wrong in America? I’ll kick your ass anytime- day or night- you name the place and time and I will be there to humilate you like you’ve humiliated every normal man in this country. I’ll beat you bloody and send you back to Vulcan in a body bag you dumb son of a bitch! Unless you wanna be friends... that would be cool, too. Otherwise prepare to die!

- x-factor

Supes,

Enclosed is yet another sack of over 6oo letters intended for you that were mistakenly delivered to me. I’ve complained to the post office about this but they don’t seem to be able to stop it. I can't figure out how this keeps happening. Anyway, please keep up the good work, and always remember how much we need you… love always, Sue Perman