Letters I'll Never Send

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Words can’t describe how hard it is for me to write this letter. But I want to be honest with not only you but myself for the first time ever. I love you and I always have. No matter how many bad words you say or how many mean things you do I can’t stay mad at you. I have never had feelings like this for anyone else and I haven’t since I met you. When I talk to anyone else I think about you, when I hear songs or see quotes I think of you. Every thought I have somehow goes back to you. It kills me because I don’t want it to be this way but it is. There has always been a force attracting me to you and I don’t know why and I’ve tried everything to stop myself but I can’t. Everyone tells me not to be your friend again because you’re a bad person but I can’t see it that way. I can’t be around you because I care about you too much. And it kills me because you don’t feel the same way. When we were together that night it finally felt like I found my other half it felt right being with you but when you denied it, it made me feel like shit like I wasn’t good enough to be with you. It took me right back to last year. I went through hell because of what you said. It hit me so hard because I care about you. The scars are still there on the inside and on the outside. The amount of physical and emotional pain I went through was unbearable but for some reason I still care. All the months of working on myself and going to therapy I never stopped thinking about you. Even the months before that I spent crying on the bathroom floor with blood on my arms and stomach and when I thought I was a piece of shit and that everyone’s lives would be better without me. The months I spent severely depressed and when I stopped eating because you called me a “fat bitch”. I know we used to fight all the time, I try to use those to help me get over you but I can’t. I still see you as the sweet guy I met sophomore year. I can only remember the jokes you tell, the way your voice gets when you’re in a heated discussion, the way your voice gets high when you lie, the way you smile when you know you did something wrong,or the way you say my name when you want me to listen to you. Your voice calms me, when I’m with you I feel like I’m home. I’ve been denying my feelings for you for years and I can’t do it anymore. I had to admit it finally. You’re my other half. You’re the one I want to be with. You’re the one I love.