Masturbate-a-Thon and Other Fun Rapture Parties Across These United States of Sin

The Rapture is looming. In fact, according to Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, CA, Judgment Day is supposed to go down tomorrow, which is a total bummer because May 21 is also the birthday of Mr. T. Poor Mr. T! We pity the fool.

But hold up: This isn't the first time the Rapture has been scheduled to occur, but some folks are still taking this mess seriously (perhaps its our proximity to the year 2012 or that recent rash of natural disasters). In response, most atheists are unleashing their inner cynics with oodles of Rapture parties that celebrate filthy, non-stop hedonism. Here's our round-up of the snarkiest fiestas del sin. Salute! And uh, hail Satan? (In case you're wondering, Miami has just one such party. We've listed it at the very end.)

Masturbate-a-ThonOakland, California (home of Family Radio Worldwide) Held at the Center for Sex and Culture, Bay Area atheists invite all to the world's biggest circle jerk on May 21, 7-10 p.m. Their catchy tagline is "Be honest, what do you really want to be doing when it all ends?" Uh, eating endless cupcakes and freebasing on meth while watching non-stop reruns of Sex in the City on E! (and the other kind of "E")? Or maybe that's just us.

"Countdown to Backpedaling: The End is Nah!"Tacoma, WashingtonIn response to all this noise, a Washington State call-in show called "Ask an Atheist" is throwing this shindig. There's no details as to what will occur at this event listed on their website, but in nearby Seattle, a very funny "Rapture Relief" website has been set up asking for donations for the damned. According to the site, the end of the world:

is obviously disconcerting news, and we thought

we'd lend a hand....While the rest of the world is tortured in this terrible Apocalypse

... elite squads of godless heathens will ... help bring people out of

And if "Jesus doesn't come back, and life continues as normal," all the funds raised will go to Camp Quest, a program that teaches kids critical

thinking skills. Zing!

Rapture PartyWashington, DCNothing fancy, just a simple Yelp event posted by a "B.M." with this description:

So according to a small group of fundamentalist Christians, the Rapture

is coming May 21st, 2011. That's also a Saturday. I, for one, will most

assuredly not be going to Heaven, so I may as well spend the night

drinking before my life of eternal torment. So let's party like it's

1599!

Well said Bowel Movement, well said.

osseous Flickr

American Humanist Association's Rapture After PartyFayetteville, North CarolinaIn this Army town, the local chapter of the American Humanist Association has turned the Rapture into a two-day extravaganza, featuring a concert on the second day for all who survive. And although tickets are $25 a pop, sinners can win free passes by participating in an online contest: "Who Would Be Your Guests to the Rapture After Party?" For us, it was a toss-up between Sarah Palin and Muammar Gaddafi, but we finally settled on Kris Jenner.

Mr. Fire Island Leather Contest: Okay, this isn't actually a Rapture party, we just find the fact that it's going down on May 21 pretty amusing.

Rapture After PartyUnfortunately you have to be logged-in to Facebook to view this beautiful event-invite by a Nick Rose from London, but it's almost worth signing up and creating an account on the social networking site just to take a gander at his post-Judgment day itinerary:

"Saturday 21st:

12:00 The goodie goodies get raptured to go see sky daddy12:30 The period of "tribulation" will begin13:00 With most of the population gone, shopping well get much easier14:00 The anti-christ arrives with his hordes of sexy bitches and party animals18:00 First mass orgy begins20:00 The party starts!!! Wooo!!!21:00 Second mass orgy21:30 Granny punching contest21:45 Baby-kicking contest21:55 Vuvuzela contest22:30 Punch and pie23:59 Whats a rapture without a 3rd Orgy?

Post Rapture LootingEven organizers, Ben Conner from Tempe, Arizona and Carl W Franke have lured 299,758 people to attend an event with this simple description: "When everyone is gone and god's not looking, we need to pick up some

sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion

we're going to squat in."

Then there's a bunch of events in cities like Houston, Texas and (Miami's equivalent of Canada) Ft. Lauderdale, which are endorsed by a site called American Atheists.org. They all sound a bit boring, so let's hop to a party right here in the 305 -- Exxxotica 2011.