Kelly said, “No that story is embarrassing, it makes me look bad!” To which CCG responded, “No it doesn’t, it’s funny. But you don’t have to tell it.” “Well you’ve brought it up, so I have to tell it now.” she said. The story that CCG was so desperate for Kelly to recount to me was that, after their first date they went back to her place, and apparently CCG was being respectful and not presuming anything was going to happen. They had been kissing in the kitchen when apparently Kelly had said, “Stop being so fucking subtle” and pulled him by the collar into her bedroom. I don’t know why CCG was so desperate for me to hear this story, perhaps he was trying to show me how sexually desirable he was. It wasn’t working.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. The walls were obviously very thin, or perhaps they were just talking very loudly, because I could hear them while I was in there. CCG said, “I can see why you keep her.” Um, what? Am I a pet? A sex slave? Is he saying he sees why she keeps me as a friend? How would he know? He has known me for twenty minutes. Kelly responded, “I know right, she is awesome.” I smiled at this, and waited to see if they would say anything else, but it was quiet. So I rinsed my hands, and went to resume my place on the sex couch.

CCG did not leave us alone for one second that afternoon. I told Kelly about the tough year I was having, the fallout I had had with many friends not understanding my polyamory and judging me for it. That I had had to quit my bartending job to avoid certain people who had hurt me to such a level that I couldn’t be in the same room as them (will do a long post about this stuff in detail at some point. A man named Theo broke my heart over and over again this year, and basically lived in the bar where I worked). We chatted about my views that society can’t handle sexually positive and overt females and so tries to slut shame them. I also spoke about the struggles I was having with my thesis. CCG tried to involve himself constantly on every topic. He repeatedly interrupted both Kelly and I. Kelly would respond with, “Babe, I’m talking.” Or “Babe I’m in the middle of a sentence” but he would just ignore her, and carry on talking over her. I tried to keep talking when he interrupted me, focusing my speech at Kelly, because I really didn’t care what CCG had to say or thought about what I was saying. His interjections sounded as though they were directly copy-pasted from Wikipedia to his lips. I find this a lot with people who are desperate to be thought of as smart: They use very big words and phrases they have memorized, for example, he kept saying, “yes it’s an ad hominem fallacy”. Why not just say, “yes, they’re attacking you personally instead of engaging with your argument/belief system.” It means the same thing. Using big words does not make you smart, and in this case, it made him look like a pretentious douche. Because he repeated that phrase about 7 times.

He also repeatedly told me how attractive I was, how he could see why Kelly was so attracted to me, and asked if I would be keen to “play around” with both of them later that evening. I tried to avoid the questions, because, yes I wanted to sleep with Kelly, but I did not want to sleep with CCG. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. So I either ignored the questions, or laughed and then changed the subject. At one point, perhaps CCG is not as obtuse as I thought, and was getting the hint, CCG said, “Of course, if just you and Kelly want to reconnect alone together I would be okay with that. I would be really upset, and I would probably listen at the door, but I would be okay with it.” I so desperately wanted to say, “Yes that’s what I want!!! Thank you! Thank you!” But I didn’t say anything. I don’t really know why. Maybe I have a problem being assertive. Maybe I didn’t want to hurt CCG’s feelings, let him know how unattractive I found him to his face. I think it was a combination of those, as well as being in their personal space and wanting to keep Kelly happy. And when CCG said this, Kelly didn’t say anything. Which seemed to indicate that if any sex was to happen, she wanted CCG to be involved. History was repeating itself: If I wanted to fuck Kelly, I was going to have to let the creepy man she was attracted to be involved.

Kelly cooked us supper, it was an ostrich stew with rice. I had never eaten ostrich before, and didn’t really like the taste of it, but I didn’t want to offend her so I ate most of it. While we ate we watched “Rock of Ages”, the three of us on the couch, with Kelly, thankfully, in the middle, so that I could easily brush against her and smell the sweet combination of her sweat and her skin. I’d never seen Rock of Ages before, I found it entertaining and enjoyed a lot of the music, occasionally singing along to some of the songs (yes, I am one of THOSE people). At one point CCG said, “Oh, she knows Whitesnake! What a turn on.” I feel as though someone needs to sit CCG down and just tell him he is trying way too hard. When the movie ended CCG came to sit next to me and asked, “So are you keen for anything to happen?” I swallowed. I realized there was another reason I found him so unappealing, and that was his accent and his lisp. I won’t mention his exact accent as I don’t want to give away too much about my actual location, but it isn’t one I find particularly appealing. And there was something very strange about the way he moved his mouth and formed his words, something almost childlike, which seemed very odd on this grown, hairy, bearded, pierced, 2 tone hair-dyed man. I had picked up on it right away, and couldn’t stop focusing on it. I once found someone with a lisp really attractive, so maybe it was just that it was the lisp, combined with the accent, combined with his general demeanor and eagerness. I felt like quite a bitch when I discovered why he had the lisp. It had come up in conversation that afternoon that CCG had taken 2 weeks leave recently due to needing dental surgery. Apparently his inept dentist had put braces on him as a young child without realizing that his milk teeth hadn’t fallen out yet, and with nowhere to go, his adult teeth had grown up into his upper jaw, while his milk teeth rotted and decayed. Thus his entire top row of teeth was actually a denture, but I didn’t realize this til the next morning when I saw them soaking in a glass on the basin. But even with the backstory, and knowing it made me a bitch, I still found it really unappealing. He had also mentioned that since he had had this surgery so recently, he wasn’t allowed to use his jaw much, and so he couldn’t go down on anyone for a while. I celebrated in my head, hoping this meant that he wouldn’t try to engage with me too much.

In response to his question, “So are you keen for anything to happen?” I said, “Um, it’s likely, but I want to go out first. I’m almost never in this town and I want to go out”. In reality, I wanted more alcohol to make me feel less awkward. The glass of wine with supper had not been enough. He said, “Okay but kiss me first.” So I did. He had a very big mouth and he kind of slobbered on me a lot around my mouth from opening his mouth too wide. I pulled away from him as quick as I could without seeming rude, and then Kelly pulled me toward her and kissed me. It lasted for much longer and she tasted distantly familiar. After we broke apart she said, “I’ve been wanting to do that since you walked in the door.” I smiled at her. CCG broke in and said, “We can go out but we don’t have any money, we only have our wedding fund, and we can’t spend any of that.” So I offered to buy them each a drink, because I desperately wanted to get out of the house for a bit, and I hoped that maybe at a bar I might be able to get Kelly alone a bit more. They agreed, and while Kelly and I put on some make-up, CCG put on some of the scariest metal plated platform shoes I have ever seen. Having had my right foot cracked by a man wearing a shoe very similar to that in 2007, I prayed he would be keeping his feet away from me. Kelly then put on some ridiculously high stilettos. Apparently having the alcohol tolerance of a small squirrel Kelly appeared to be already stumbling all over the place after only one glass of wine, and her chosen shoes for the evening were not helping.

We got into CCG’s car and he drove us to a smoky bar, his metal music blasting the whole way there making conversation impossible. The night was hot and a gust of humid air hit us as we got out the car so that we were sweating by the time we entered the bar. I got us each a drink, flirting with the bartender a little because now I was in a flirty, come hither mood. CCG made a point of putting an arm around both of us as much as possible, as if to say to ever other man in the room, “Yup, they’re BOTH mine. Wanna compare dick size now???”. This annoyed me to no end. Yes I had resigned myself to probably having to fuck him, but I did not feel like being paraded around as this asshole’s trophy. So I kept claiming that the alcohol had “gone straight through me” and dragging Kelly off to the bathroom with me, where, thankfully, CCG could not come in (well, not unless he wanted a lot of dirty looks from all the girls in it.) We locked ourselves into a stall and made out for ten minutes, until eventually CCG came knocking on the main bathroom door shouting out for us to hurry the fuck up.

CCG then made a point of making out with us each in turn, and then expecting us to make out in front of him. It all felt quite staged, but I went along with it, enjoying kissing Kelly, and allowing CCG to slobber on me as long as was polite. I did not hide the fact that I wiped mouth every time after he kissed me. When I went to buy us some shots the bartender asked me why I was kissing everyone, and I just shrugged. He asked me if I would kiss him, and I said, sure okay, but then a woman appeared behind the bar and he whispered that that was his girlfriend and that he would try to find me later.

I had the sudden urge to smoke. Maybe it was the horniness, the feeling of being watched in a bar, all the smoke around me, the alcohol, but I needed a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in 2 weeks, I had been trying to quit, and it turned out CCG had also been trying to quit, and hadn’t smoked in 3 months. I didn’t care. I found the box of cigarettes still in my handbag from weeks before and realized there was only one left. I said to CCG, “I’m sorry, I know you’re trying to quit, but I need one. I will just have the one.” He said, “It’s fine, just give me a drag because otherwise you will taste bad.” I wished I did, maybe then he would stop. He took several drags, and the cigarette was soon gone. I craved another. I spotted a relatively attractive man in his forties smoking and I sauntered over and asked him for a cigarette. He was very obliging. I leaned forward so that he could light my cigarette, and enjoyed the attention he was giving me. I realized that Kelly and CCG were arguing about something, so I entertained myself for the next half an hour or so by seeing how many of the men in this bar would give me a cigarette. Now, in the small town I am from, I am not considered that attractive. The people who do know about my polyamory, most of them think it is odd, some have gone as far as to call me a “whore”. Maybe it is the fact that I have lived here for 6 years and everybody knows everyone in this tiny student town, so there is nothing novel about me anymore. But it seems as though every time I go to a big city I am leered at by men. It’s refreshing. It’s an ego boost. I realized that I could probably have slept with quite a few people at that bar if I had wanted to. This made me feel good.

Eventually I wondered back to CCG and Kelly to find out what was going on, and because I was starting to get bored. They both stood up as I arrived and CCG said, “Just wait here, we need to go and draw money.” And so they just left me there, before I could say, “I thought you didn’t have any money?”. So I sat in the corner smoking my many cigarettes which I had accumulated for about twenty minutes until they reappeared. They said, “Let’s go”, but I said I had money for one more drink why don’t we share it? And they agreed. I got one more drink, and left it with CCG for a bit, who also took my cigarette out of my hand, and Kelly and I went to the bathroom for a bit. She didn’t seem shy about peeing in front of me, and so I did the same, but there was nothing sexual about it.

By the time we got back CCG had finished both the drink and the cigarette. Oh well, guess it was time to leave then. I realized they were still fighting as we got into the car and CCG punched something into the GPS. It was going something like this:

CCG: But it’s our wedding fund and now we have to go there in the middle of the night.

Kelly: Babe, but I am jonesing for one so bad! Please don’t be mad at me!

CCG: But you’re already drunk!

Kelly: Yes, but I want a joint!

They continued like this for quite a while ad nauseum. We arrived at some affluent suburb, CCG’s music still blaring, trying to locate the drug dealer. Kelly the number she had for him, and a phone rang somewhere to our right. He was standing behind a large gate. As he let us in, he said, “Jees, you guys were making such a noise.” We had just been told off by a drug dealer.

I have always been told that I “overshare” because I have always been so honest and open about my life, including my emotions, and most horrifyingly – it seems to many – my sexual experiences. Growing tired of others attempting to force me to filter myself, I turn to you, internet, and I intend to tell you every last detail.

Growing up I always felt that I had more of a stereotypical male attitude towards sex: females are constantly pressed to hide their sexualities, but for men it is generally considered okay to talk about and flaunt theirs. Not in all cases, but definitely in many. Many females deny watching porn, being turned on by it, or masturbating. I do all those, A LOT, and have from a very young age. I discovered I was turned on visually when I discovered my highly conservative father’s (LOL) porn collection when I was in primary school, it was around age 10. I have no idea if watching hardcore porn at this age repeatedly and for many years had anything to do with the fact that I seem to have such a high sex drive for a female, and am very sexually focussed (but because so few females admit to this, I may not be such an anomaly). I used to sit in the playground next door to our house and masturbate in public, excited and horrified by the idea of getting caught. Having been brought up in a highly Christian household, at first I thought that masturbating was wrong and felt a lot of guilt over it. But as I grew older, and began to discover my own ideas about spirituality (a kind of unsure agnosticism), this guilt thankfully subsided.

Today, I am openly bisexual and polyamorous – I will write detailed posts at a later stage about the history of both these lifestyles for me – and consider myself a sexually liberated woman.

Growl,

Lady Taylor

UPDATE: Follow me on twitter @LadyTaylorLynx

Also, if you have any questions, requests, etc etc, you can contact me on LadyTaylorLynx@gmail.com