Thursday, October 23, 2008

I find myself...

I find myself highly unmotivated to do much today- I don't know why... it could be that my little man is in a snuggle mood? Quite possibly! I just love when he gets in these moods and he just wants to lay on mommy and stare up at me with those big brown eyes and smile. I think back to the day I found out I was pregnant- and how many emotions ran through my head. I was terrified of what having two kids would be like. I was more or less freaking out. Then as the weeks went on and I began to feel him move I got excited... then I remember vividly the day we found out he was a boy.

Watching him on the screen was one of the most incredible moments of my life-but again I was struck with fear! I remember leaving Derek with his mom that day to watch a movie, and going to walk through the mall with Kyley to kill some time instead of being at home alone. I walked through the baby section at JCPenny's and I had a meltdown. Everything in my house up until that point was pink or purple, what would this mean? Blue everywhere in that store that day just overwhelmed me. I loved having a princess around and had no idea how I was going to cope having a boy around all the time... just seemed like something I didn't think I could handle at the time. Then came time for him to be born- and even then I wasn't sure I was ready for this challenge. I had a difficult birth, difficult time in the beginning with breast feeding and with not being able to see so I was very withdrawn from the whole ordeal in my mind. But I sit here today and thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful little boy. He is the exact thing that God knew I was going to need to get through such times. He's such a sweet, lovey dovey kinda boy right now and I find that I fall more and more in love with him every minute... Oh how he melts mommy's heart. So he sits here cuddled up on my chest just clenching my shirt and relaxing before he'll eventually fall asleep soon and I love it. Meanwhile in the distance I can hear Kyley playing with her barbies in her room- she's such a great big sister and even more than I ever could've thought she would be! I can't wait to watch them grow up together and grow in Christ... man what a sweet thought.