Site Navigation

Site Mobile Navigation

Halfhearted Half Brother

My father recently died. His daughter from his first marriage (which ended several years before his marriage to my mother) has made efforts to stay in touch with me since his death. I have never had a direct relationship with my half sister. She has had a difficult life, missing out on many of the advantages my sister and I enjoyed. I want to be sympathetic to her struggles, but though I’ve tried, I’ve never felt an attachment to her. She has been an intermittent presence and not always a pleasant one. Is it ethical to decide not to carry on this relationship? Or does someone else’s desire for connection, which perhaps comes out of a strong wish to be part of a family, outweigh my personal preference? J.G., NEW JERSEY

The mere fact that you’re asking this question reflects positively on your value system. It appears that you are hypothetically open to including a half sister in your life and empathetic to her specific hardships. But you are in no way ethically obligated to have a relationship with someone you don’t like simply because you happen to share fragments of your father’s DNA.

In the same way that it would be crazy to consciously distance yourself from a beloved sibling because you discovered they were adopted, it makes no sense to amplify a relationship with a comparative outsider because of biology. This person is not a child you chose to bring into the world. She is an acquaintance who (at most) happens to resemble you physically. The responsibility you feel seems entirely based on a marriage that failed before you were even born. Let’s say you were to suddenly find out that you weren’t technically related to this person; let’s pretend that this woman’s mother cheated on your father and she was the product of that affair. Would you then feel less guilty about not sharing your life with her? She’d still be the same unhappy person who desires familial connection. Regardless of genealogy, people need to be judged on the merits of their personalities. You can’t love someone out of guilt.

Photo

You are obligated to be civil to this woman and to recognize that she’s a legal extension of your father’s family. But you are not obligated to be emotionally close with her.

FLASHER

While I was motoring home on a country road, a passing driver flashed his lights at me — roadspeak for “cop ahead.” I’m not much of a speeder, but I was nevertheless glad for the heads up. Still, I began to wonder about the ethics of this practice. Flashing my lights at an oncoming car that’s speeding should cause that person to slow down — a good thing. But if that person were habitually heavy-footed or intoxicated or on the lam from a bank heist, such a warning could prevent a desirable traffic stop. Thoughts?DAVID CRANE, MASSACHUSETTS

It’s possible that warning someone about the presence of the police might have unforeseen consequences, but the practice is not unethical. In the same way that the passing motorist you cited had no way of knowing that you weren’t a velocity-obsessed, booze-addled bank thief, you had no verification that the seemingly helpful motorist wasn’t just flashing his headlights capriciously at random vehicles for no reason. For that matter, how do you know that the “cop ahead” isn’t corrupt? All that has happened is this: You were given coded information from a total stranger about a potential patrolman somewhere up the road. The passing driver doesn’t know anything about you; you know nothing about the passing driver; and neither of you know anything about the cop. It’s just data, devoid of context or bias. The information exchange is neutral. If you saw two people on the street desperately searching for a liquor store, would you consciously elect not to point them in the right direction, based on the fear that they might rob the clerk behind the counter or become violent alcoholics?

CAT BURGLAR

Our 12-year-old cat, who has been sick with a tumor for a month, was catnapped by our neighbor, who took our cat to his veterinarian to have the tumor removed. We opted against surgery when our vet told us the cat’s heart was weak and that he would most likely not survive surgery. We were caring for him as best we could. Can my neighbor’s conduct be justified? NAME WITHHELD

Let’s imagine this 12-year-old cat is actually a 12-year-old boy and that you’re committed to a religion that does not permit medical procedures involving surgery. If a neighbor kidnapped your son and took him to a surgeon without your consent, it would be illegal — but ultimately ethical and humane (and this is probably the justification your neighbor used when rationalizing his actions). There is one obvious difference here: this is a cat. You own a pet in a way that you cannot own a human (the fact that you could have given this animal to your neighbor — arbitrarily, in exchange for nothing — illustrates this difference irrefutably). You live next to a compassionate, unreasonable cat thief.