Does the imaginary sky daddy known to millions of human beings as “god” have lousy cell phone service?

He must.

Apparently, there’s a massive communications breakdown when natural disasters happen. I once thought these cataclysmic horrors — rustic tribulations from the skies above and earth below causing so much destruction, pain, and death — occurred when the celestial orchestrator was away on vacation. Or, taking a day off. Or sleeping. Or taking a shower.

But natural disasters happen far too often. And, too many people are getting hurt. Even dying. Sky daddy can’t be on vacation all the time, can he? He’s not calling in sick that many days. He isn’t sleeping that much every day, otherwise he’d be a cat. And he’s certainly not taking showers this frequently unless that how and why droughts happen.

I’ve come to the epiphany that there can be only one possible explanation, which is this: God is stuck with the lousy AT&T’s multi-year cell phone plan.

Should you doubt this, allow me to prove it to you. Let’s conduct a short trial.

Since mankind first began walking upright, thousands of different gods have been worshiped. From cavemen to astronauts, we’ve prayed to every conceivable object we fail to fully understand — from the sun and stars to animals and ancient myths. Most religions faded away a long time ago. Some belief systems were never even documented. But somehow, hundreds of religions still survive to this day — each with a different concept of what “god” means to its followers.

For the sake of argument, let’s agree on a conservative estimate. Let’s say that 1,000 different gods have existed since the origin of man. The actual number is likely far greater. But we’ll keep this simple.

Here’s my question: Of the 1,000 gods that have been around since history began, how many were truly divine? Go ahead. Take your best guess.

If forced to answer, most people would likely reply — just one. Most people believe in one god. Not two. Not five. Not one hundred. You not only reject 999 alternative gods, you perceive most religions other than your own to be ludicrous. You might even be appalled by the practices of many of these other belief systems.

Well, welcome to the club. By definition, you are an atheist. You thoroughly dismiss the vast majority of mankind’s fictional gods. Accordingly, this now makes the difference between us purely numerical. You reject 999 gods. I reject 1,000.

Wouldn’t this make us far more in agreement than the sum of our differences?

It’s the foundation for most Judeo-Christian faith. Many Jews and Christians believe The Old Testament is the literal word of God. Every letter, word, phrase, and paragraph was bolted to the printed page as a pronouncement straight from the deity. It’s what he wants. It’s his plan. It’s his “how to” playbook.

If this horrible book really stands as the literal word of God, then someone’s got some explaining to do.

The Old Testament is a literary circus of ludicrous assertions and contradictions. If logic is our stick, The Old Testament can be busted open easier than a pinata at a Mexican birthday party. Filled with voluminous passages which flat out justify intolerance, racism, slavery, torture, and even murder, these noxious texts have served as guideposts of wickedness for centuries. They are in fact, perilous detours away from the highway of rationality and reason.

Before, these texts were cited to justify horrible crimes against humanity, including the Inquisition and the Crusades. Now, they’re used to deny equality, preserve monocracy, and inhibit science. But what stands far and away as the most troublesome fruition of these religions is the clear and compulsory stipulation of intolerance.

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Can someone who doesn’t believe in the existence of God also celebrate Christmas?

Certainly yes.

Christmas, ostensibly intended to honor the birth of Jesus Christ, has become far more than just a religious holiday. Cynics might even suggest it’s become the antithesis of a religious holiday.

Turn on the television set or visit a shopping mall during the week before Christmas and you know exactly what I’m talking about. Commercials enticing you to rush out and buy a brand new Lexus aren’t very Christ-like. The soccer mom in the mini-van who steals your parking spot isn’t thinking about Jesus, although his name probably comes up in some rather creative combinations of language.

It’s too bad really that the essential message of Christmas was hijacked a long time ago. Modern Christmas would likely be unrecognizable to those who envisioned its oldest traditions. It’s become the five human senses all pumped up on steroids. That’s both good and bad. Sure, everything tastes better and smells better. Many of us feel better. The sights and sounds of the holiday season are more beautiful than other times of the year. But sensory overload isn’t always synonymous with happiness. For many less fortunate people, this is a depressing time of year — and none of this has anything at all to do with faith or religion.