Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

More than 7 Million pounds of hot dogs have been recalled by
Sabrett. That is the highest number of hot dogs making a return trip other than
the ones coming back up after the Nathans Hot Dot Eating Contest.

More than 7 Million pounds of hot dogs have been recalled by
Sabrett for bone fragments. Ironically, the fragments were the only actual
animal parts that were found in the hot dogs.

“American Psycho” author Brett Easton Ellis was called a
“Trump apologist” at a gathering and said he would avoid political discussions
in the future. Mostly because too many people assume “American Psycho” was a
biography of Donald Trump.

The CBS show “Candy Crush” has taken a ratings nosedive.
Apparently it was the result of the initial spike from a sugar high.

The CBS show “Candy Crush,” based on the video game of the
same name has taken a ratings nosedive. Mostly because the people in the CBS
demographic are too old to even know what a video game is.

The CBS show “Candy Crush” has taken a ratings nosedive. How
lazy have we gotten when shows are made for people who would rather just watch
others play video games?

A Taco Bell worker in Texas went on a rampage, throwing a
tea dispenser at their boss. Fortunately there was no food thrown or charges
could have included assault with a deadly Chalupa.

A survey says half of American homeowners have buyer’s
remorse. The other half are the ones who still haven’t yet gone into
foreclosure.

Ann Coulter has taken on Delta Airlines with a Twitter
tantrum over having her seat assignment changed. The conservative pundit is
just lucky they didn’t ask her to sit out on the right wing.

A study says artificial sweeteners are linked to weight
gain. Mostly for the people who pour them over cakes, pies and into their soft
drinks.

A car described as “suspicious” crashed into a barrier at
the U.S. Capitol. It was considered suspicious because usually when that
happens it is being driven by a Kennedy.

A trash fire in a New York City subway station crippled
service on Monday. Authorities were surprised as no one thought a fire could
start in a place completely devoid of oxygen.

A report says automation is likely to replace half of all
low skilled U.S. jobs. Which is just more bad news for all our elected
officials in Congress.

A record 11 new reality TV shows debuted this summer.
Apparently they are all trying to be the one that can claim to be the one to
give us our next President.

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch made an appearance where
he met a group of new U.S. citizens. He congratulated them on their achievement
before going back to work to approve legislation to deport all of them back to
where they came from.

The Russian Supreme Court upheld a ban on Jehovah’s
Witnesses. That will teach them to ring Vladimir Putin’s doorbell at 7:00 on a
Saturday morning.

The Russian Supreme Court upheld a ban on Jehovah’s
Witnesses. To which Donald Trump is asking if it’s possible to nominate some of
those judges to the U.S. Supreme Court.

A Labor MP from London compared Prince William and Duchess
Kate to the Kardashians. What’s the issue? They are both rich, famous and no
one knows what it is they actually do.

China has banned Winnie the Pooh because of Internet jokes
comparing the character to Chinese President Xi Jinping. Which means any day in
the U.S. those troll dolls with the yellow hair may be taken off the shelves.

China has banned Winnie the Pooh because of Internet jokes
comparing the character to Chinese President Xi Jinping. Chinese officials want
to keep Pooh where it belongs, in the country’s water supply.

$1 Million of marijuana was found in the trunks of some
brand new Ford Focus cars. Apparently suspicions were raised when the cars
refused to go more than 20 mph.

$1 Million of marijuana was found in the trunks of some
brand new Ford Focus cars. Which is ironic as the one thing passengers say to a
driver stoned out of their mind when they get pulled over is “Focus!”

$1 Million of marijuana was found in the trunks of some
brand new Ford Focus cars. Those are the cars that like the driver are both
running on fumes.

Donald Trump’s latest approval ratings have fallen to 36%.
To which George W. Bush is saying “Yes!”

Doctors in England removed 27 contact lenses from the eye of
a woman. She complained an object kept getting in the way and obscured her
vision, which turned out to be Jupiter.

Doctors in England removed several sets of contact lenses
from the eye of a woman. It’s bad enough for people wearing glasses to be
called “four eyes,” but now she has to endure the nickname of “27 eyes.”

Donald Trump says John McCain’s vote is needed to replace
Obamacare. Which means McCain, who just got out of life-saving surgery will
have to recover in time to make he takes that same option away from everyone
else.

A study says renewable energy like solar power is not a
threat to the nation’s power grid, and doesn’t threaten older methods like
coal. Mostly because the more coal we use, the less chance of ever being able
to generate any solar power.

Apple is featuring several new emojis, including one with a
breastfeeding mom. The question is, can anyone think of even one time they have
ever had the occasion to send a message containing that emoji?

A report says the GOP is split on health care and tax
reform. Mostly in that they want to take health care from the poor, and give
tax breaks to the rich.

Chicken Soup for the Soul is filing an IPO to try to raise
$30 Million. The question is, why does a site making self-help videos have to
look to other people for assistance?

Startup Zcruit is helping colleges recruit athletes smarter
through analytics. Which would be nice if for once colleges were interested in
recruiting smarter athletes.

Startup Zcruit is helping colleges recruit athletes through
analytics. Which is a good idea if you don’t mind putting the job of recruiting
athletes into the hands of nerds who think the Red Zone is the area on their
face that couldn’t be helped by Stridex.

A study says changes in speech including more pauses and
filler words can be a sign of dementia. Or that the person is a graduate of the
Sylvester Stallone School of Acting.

A survey says a majority of U.S. smokers feel they are
discriminated against. Non-smokers disagree, saying they are free to go and die
anywhere they choose.

A study says a healthy diet may help ward off the onset of
dementia. Ironically, having dementia can lead to a healthy diet when the
people at the home feed you nothing but strained peas.

A study says a healthy diet may help ward off the onset of
dementia. The only problem was conducting research that could find only three
people who even qualified to be studied in the first place.

A Maryland mother hosts CPR parties to teach the life saving
maneuver to members of her community. The good news is that after a night of
eating, drinking and dancing there is always at least one partygoer they all
get to take turns on.

A survey says 76% of Americans say they have “really bad”
Sunday night anxiety. Mostly in this economy from wondering what they are going
to do all day Monday now that they no longer have a job.

Ryan Phillippe reportedly broke his leg in a “freak
accicent.” Mostly because it had been so long since someone told him to break a
leg on a movie set that he ended up taking them literally.

A Maryland music festival aims to raise awareness of drug
addiction. Which is ironic in that most of the substance abusers became addicts
by hanging out at music festivals.

Disney says it fired the long time voice of Kermit the Frog
for “unacceptable business conduct.” Apparently they felt someone with as much
experience has he has shouldn’t be acting so green.

Disney says it fired the long time voice of Kermit the Frog
for “unacceptable business conduct.” Especially when he stayed in character
during business lunches and kept ordering plates of grasshoppers, worms and
flies.

Paris Hilton says being recognized as a “ditzy, dumb blonde”
annoys her. Mostly because it is such a high standard for someone like her to
live up to.

John Mellencamp’s son Speck was arrested for public
intoxication and fighting in Indiana on Saturday night. Or as that is called in
Indiana, “Saturday night.”

John Mellencamp’s son Speck was arrested for public
intoxication and fighting in Indiana on Saturday night. Which is common to end
up drinking and getting in fights after having to go through life after being
given the name “Speck.”

Home plate umpire Chris Segal was hit in the head by the bat
of the Blue Jays’ Josh Donaldson during a game. Which is ironic since he never
saw it coming that it proves umpires really are as blind as a bat.

A report says possession of a contraband cookie almost
derailed O.J. Simpson’s chance of parole. Not the fact that he had the cookie
but that he killed four other people to get it.

LaVar Ball says there will be no changes made to his son
Lonzo’s shooting style. Lonzo wouldn’t have any problems if he could shoot a
basketball half as good as his dad can shoot off his mouth.

39 year old Paul Pierce signed a one-day contract with
Boston so that he could retire as a Celtic. Which was unusual in someone
retiring at that age from the NBA and not being on the Spurs.

A Massachusetts farmer will honor Tom Brady with a corn maze
made in his image. The only problem is that for some reason, the farmer says
his tractor tires keep getting deflated.

Michael Vick says that Colin Kaepernick is not being
discriminated against and that he should “get a haircut.” With four Super Bowl
titles in hand, that idea sure worked out for Terry Bradshaw.

Michael Vick says that Colin Kaepernick is not being
discriminated against and that he should “get a haircut.” Although just not
while the National Anthem is being played.

A woman in Taiwan divorced her husband after he kept
ignoring her text messages. Who did he think he is, one of her children?

A woman in Taiwan divorced her husband after he kept
ignoring her text messages. She should know the only way a middle aged man
reads texts is when they are sent with naked pictures from a 19 year old woman.

A report says Donald Trump dumped Chris Christie after
Christie handed him his personal phone for a call and Trump was worried about
germs. Not only that but the phone was more orange than Trump being completely
covered in Cheetos dust.

Donald Trump claims that during his administration 45,000
mining jobs have been created. Although those are just the ones in Russia
trying to mine e-mails from the DNC and Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the economy is
going down the crapper, the Russians are taking over the country but hey, how
about them Dodgers! A ten and a half game lead in their division which would be
even hard for them to throw away. Even better is that the Giants are in the
cellar, 18 and a half games back. Life is good at least on some levels. It gets
even better when all of you remember to take the time to always keep on sending
the love!