SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

If only our eyes and heart were more opened when the infidelity all started. Women are home, working, raising babies, juggling the days, finances, no sleep. And, yes, our husbands were being ignored. I ignored my husband. I did. So, is that when it all started.

Generally speaking, now I did say "generally", men have a much higher sex drive then most women. I can speak for my husband. He is 55 and could have sex twice a day, if he could. He never changed. Has always had a great energy for sex. So, do we blame ourselves for ignoring their needs, and take responsibility?

Infidelity will always exist. The question is "how to recognize it" before it begins. How to prevent putting ourselves in such deep pain.

Do I sound like I'm taking full responsibility? I'm not. Really, trying to figure out when it all started, what made it start and how to end the pain and understand the whole mess.

I used to think that is when it started. When I was too wrapped up in the kids. But, that is not true. It starts with the WS not being the person we thought they were. They don't have the right coping skills, the high-moral values and integrity to do what is right, and in the end they are in fact selfish to a degree. I keep reading that those that have the perfect marriage still have spouses that cheat. I think the only person that can prevent infidelity is the WS themselves. I know now that my H didn't have an A, just because I didn't pay enough attention to him. He did it because of so many things. M, mid-life crisis, because he liked the girl, and well mainly it was just plain fun and exciting.

I know I'm personally probably not in a good position to give advice but, as a married man with a wife who has definitely had moments of ignoring me or putting my feelings to one side- did I cheat? NO! It would never and has never crossed my mind to- I think you either have it in you to do it or you don't- I think it's a hugely personal choice and shifting blame is pathetic.

As a BH I blame myself for a lot- it's natural to but when I think logically- no it isn't my fault.

I'm a man and my sex drive probably is higher than my wife's but it's never made me think I'll go and bonk someone else- that's messed up thinking!

It does sound like you're taking a lot of responsibility and although I have my own problems I can still see clearly, (just about!!) that yes some actions can start leading someone down a path BUT it is a massive choice to go through with it or even to think that's even a choice. Infidelity is not a choice for me- nothing could make me do it- nothing at all.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:28 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty

confused615♀ 30826Member # 30826

Posted: 10:32 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

No. my husband was not ignored. I adored my husband..and did whatever was needed to make him happy. A hot meal on the table when he came home,picked up after him,had hot sex with him several times a week.. adventurous sex...etc..etc..

That man was the center of my world...and he cheated on me.

As a matter of fact,before dday1,I remember telling my friend that he would never cheat on me because of how much *I* loved HIM. That he would never throw that kind of love away.

A WS cheats because they want to. there is nothing a BS does to make them cheat...and sadly...there is nothing we can do to stop them from doing it again...all the monitoring in the world won't stop them if they really want too.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 8639 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana

hopefulmother♀ 38790Member # 38790

Posted: 10:36 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Yes Idiot85!
I believe this is why we have such a hard time dealing with the A. It isn't because it was a horrible mistake, it is because we are faced with the fact that we are married to someone who chose to do it. It is like we were living with a stranger for years.
livebythesea-maybe, we should focus on "how to recognize it" so it doesn't go too far to do a lot of damage. But, who wants to live in M where we have to play goalie all the time? My current thinking right now is that there are some people who just should not be married.

Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA

karmahappens♀ 35846Member # 35846

Posted: 10:48 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

So, is that when it all started

NO, it started when the WS (man or woman) chose to seek the comfort of someone outside the marriage rather than their spouse.

Every marriage has issues...time, money, affection, FOO's. Not everybody cheats.

An A is the sole responsibility of the WS....theirs to own. Don't carry the weight.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3909 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

idiot85♂ 38934Member # 38934

Posted: 11:08 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Put it this way- if someone is being ignored in a relationship, that's bad and should be addressed but that doesn't make someone cheat!

How could you enter a relationship thinking 'right I must do XY and Z or they'll be off with someone else?!'- No way! Humans aren't vending machines "this one's out of what I want, I'll go to the next one".

BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty

broken313♀ 39006Member # 39006

Posted: 11:14 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Although i was aware of our marital issues, he would never fully engage in working with me to sort these out. We have different sex drives but he never wanted to find out what he could do, if i tried to talk to connect before sex was planned , he shut me down. As i manage all our finances and worried about this late at night, he would be annoyed i didnt feel like doing it, eventually i stopped trying to connect, i felt alone too... I didnt turn to someone else, couldnt, not in a million years. I felt that the chances of this happening to us were about the same as being struck by lightning. Well i have been and am floored by my miscalculation. Only he could have prevented this and what hurts so bad is that he couldnt be bothered to stop it.

Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2013

Happydays♂ 38681Member # 38681

Posted: 11:25 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

There is no formula to prevent infidelity.
IMO it is all destined. If it has to happen, it will happen even if you and i deserve the Oscar for the best spouse ever award.
Infidelity occurs even in some of the strictest societies and cultures.
Part and parcel of life I guess.

I discussed this topic with FWW before. She knew I was betrayed by my GF in college. She hated the topic of infidelity whenever it came up in family discussion happening to others. She was/is pretty average looking, I never thought someone would fall for her. I had plenty opportunities to cheat, but, I refrained.
Seems perfect? Well it occurred, didn't it?
Well, lessons learnt , time to move ahead with someone new who deserves my fidelity.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013

ninebark ♀ 24534Member # 24534

Posted: 11:36 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

I don't think we should live our lives constantly looking for warning signs of infidelity in our marriage.

There is nothing we can do to prevent it. It is a decision that someone else makes.

I worked full time, had a child, took care of the finances and pretty much everything else. I have been told I have a high sex drive, probably more than average..lol, but when we had problems in our marriage I made the choice to talk about it, adn he made the choice to start a relationship with someone else to make himself feel better.

You can fix what is broken in someone else, you can only do what you can do and hope they are doing the same on their end.

The only way it can be done is to marry a very strong person who even in the midst of a mundane marriage (which all seem to succumb to eventually after babies, kids, etc,) who will back away from any offers presented to him or her. They seem to be a special breed but I for one am one of those who is/was not willing to sell my soul to the devil.

It is a powerful thing to have another person outside of the marriage offer up flattery followed by free sex. It takes a very strong person to walk away from that mix. And yet I do know that it can be done, for I am one of those who walked away from it several times over the course of my marriage. Bottom line is that I knew in my heart it was just wrong and was not worth the pain I knew it would cause. Unfortunately many ws's like my h never thought they would get caught.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:58 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Sep 2005

MediumRare♂ 35128Member # 35128

Posted: 12:08 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Does the wandering spouse take any responsibility for the cheating or affair? NO.. No, No, No.. (repeat as many times as needed until this point sinks in).

Take it from me- someone who hadn't had sex (constantly initiated to be pushed away) in >6 months, and for years before that MAYBE one every 1-3 months for a terrible, controlled, non-completion 5-minutes of sex and I didn't cheat. She did, in fact had gymnastic sex with OM.

So no, it's not about "men" or "sex drive" or "poor wifely duties" nonsense. Believe me, I'd easily say 99% of the betrayed wives here did 10000x more for their cheating husbands than my WS ever did in our relationship and I can cite dozens of the same case abroad.

The cheating lies 100% on the shoulders of the cheater. If the relationship sucks, then it sucks for BOTH partners. If one seeks external validation, that is THEIR choice and has NOTHING to do with the relationship. If it's so bad, then they should announce they are going to seek this outside the relationship, or end it.

Many cheaters can never be satisfied. They have unhealthy needs that they cannot meet for themselves so seek external validation to get those needs. The problem is, they can never meet them until they fix this problem within themselves. They will cheat as part of this issue in THEMSELVES.

Betraying someone and going behind their back to fuck other people has nothing to do with the betrayed left behind.. regardless of how 'terrible' the relationship was. More to the point, I'd say in many cases, the relationship is usually VERY lopsided in favor OF the Wayward (i.e. they have MUCH less to lose, generally speaking as they are usually the one with much less vested in the relationship).

So don't go there. Marriages and relationships have problems... period. Those problems do not give license to someone to betray, back-stab and go outside the marriage to get unhealthy, issue-related, self-absorbed jollies... period. NEVER. They can suck-it-up, demand the change, or end the relationship/divorce.

The only way it can be done is to marry a very strong person who even in the midst of a mundane marriage (which all seem to succumb to eventually after babies, kids, etc,) who will back away from any offers presented to him or her.

Problem is how to spot one

My FWW was rude to the slightest hint of flirtatious behaviour. She used to tell me how she handled it and made sure it'll never come from that person again. She cared for me, loved me, and I did too.
She was hardworking at office, sincere and exceeded expectations. She was dedicated at home. All the right mix. Never wore makeup. Always dressed modestly. very practical towards life.

Infidelity was the last thing I could expect from such a person.
Honestly, I'd love to be with a similar person in future, minus the infidelity factor.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013

TICKED OFF♀ 8291Member # 8291

Posted: 12:21 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Happy, it is very hard to spot one. Almost impossible. It is only years later that we know if we have chosen a strong mate or a weak one.

H and I were just having a conversation about this yesterday. He was telling me that had I been more attentive to his needs then he might have been more attentive to mine and not strayed to the neighbor's house where he could get compliments and flattery. (oops, he forgot to include the free sex). My question to him was this........"so you want to blame my lack of attention to you for your affair.....well ok then, BUT what did your best friend do to you other than be your best friend to deserve you screwing around with his wife???? His reply was....."Nothing, nothing at all."

So "mediumrare" is right on key. It is "themselves" who make the decision to have the a. Plain and simple. Anything else is just bullshit excuses.

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Sep 2005

keptmypromise♂ 36178Member # 36178

Posted: 12:23 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

I know no relationships that are 24/7 honeymoon. Add children to the mix, and priorities change. My wife was ignoring my needs, as I was hers, but in the meantime we were meeting the needs of our children, who were growing. It is very tiring physically and emotionally. I never strayed, never even entertained cheating. My wife on the other hand, despite my inquiries, headed down that pathway, lying to my all the while. I saw the warning signs...comminicated my concerns...but she lied all through it. Only a cheater can stop themselves. They know where they are going and only they can stop that slippery slope.

He is 55 and could have sex twice a day, if he could. He never changed. Has always had a great energy for sex.

So what? That's still his failure to keep his dick where it belongs. Plenty of us would be happy to drill our wives two or three times a day if we could, but even the most dense guy can understand that beating a vagina with a golf club 3 times a day can lead to issues with things like walking or using the potty, and there are even a fair number of us who understand that a vaginas capacity for entertaining spousal penis will change over time and require different avenues of approach when it comes to romance and lubrication.

I can and have put hours of schmoozing into getting my wife to be interested in sex, if I want it that bad, and if she's really not capable of it that evening then there's always tomorrow night to try, and if something doesn't work then it's a whole new discovery stage to the game of "Honey I want you to ride me like I'm the scary wooden roller coaster at Coney Island" - and if none of that works, and you're some cold, shrewish little witch who has teeth in her vagina then the honorable thing to do is divorce and move on or come to some other agreement.

Just romping out and fucking the chick who can dial in the coffee settings with her tongue isn't even on the list when it comes to "Thing I can do to get laid more" when you're married.

"He didn't say "That's weird." He wouldn't have said "That's weird" if a flock of sheep had cycled past playing violins. It wasn't the sort of thing a responsible engineer said." - Good Omens

Shit, I doubt if I had sat facing my h backwards on a rocking horse that even that would have kept him from running to the whore when she opened up her legs and rang the dinner bell. He had already made up his mind and nothing that I did for him was going to get in the way of someone else making him feel good with flattery and new sex.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 12:31 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Sep 2005

Happydays♂ 38681Member # 38681

Posted: 12:35 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

So "mediumrare" is right on key. It is "themselves" who make the decision to have the a. Plain and simple. Anything else is just bullshit excuses.

Hmm... Let's see here.
I had a GF who got all the attention, gifts praises etc. you will not believe we used to be on the phone for hours. Take the cordless phone for bio breaks even.
Yet, she went for someone mediocre, and non committal. She is married to someone else now. doesn't make sense.

My FWW. I was asked out by her. Persued by her. Showered with gifts by her. Gave me all the attention before marriage. I too fell in love later. Decided to get married.
Had an average M relation. Not bad actually. My entire family lineage thought we were the most ideal couple. Had the best kid in the world. Very bright. Secure finances. Home loan almost paid off. Respected her parents. Talked to them regularly
Yet FWW threw it away.

Yeah it's them not me.
I'm not perfect, but, seems like glutton for cheating.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013

Nothingspecial♀ 38387Member # 38387

Posted: 12:37 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013

The only way to prevent infidelity is to stay SINGLE, everyone's capable of it given the right " perfect storm" jmo