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According to recent research there are a number of phrases that irritate the hell out of the majority of normal people. Further research suggests that around half of the people who use these phrases are the usual Office Plonkers whilst the other half are Office Plonker Baiters.

These OFBs are our leaders of the future who are showing the early signs of being irritating, irresponsible and invidious – the 3i’s of middle, menial and mediocre management that eventual develop into a full blown 3M management strategy (Me, Me, Me).

We are here of course to help out people from ‘C’ level all the way down to the lower level Mediocre Management tiers so here are a few phrases, for those aspiring to manage, that will curdle the brains of your colleagues and will help pass a long winter afternoon or enliven a meeting.

Phrases guaranteed to irritate your colleagues:

Can I borrow you for a sec? (13%)

How long is a piece of string? (11%)

Think outside the box (11%)

Teamwork, dreamwork (11%)

Keep me in the loop (9%)

Win-win (9%)

Pick your brains (8%)

I’m stacked (8%)

Blue sky thinking (8%)

Just playing devil’s advocate (8%)

However a word of warning never the use the phrases listed below as these are only used by Office Plonkers. OPs spouting cliches are to be kept well clear of as they will drain the very life force from your caffeine addicted persona and leave it as a moist patch on the office carpet to be trampled on by all who pass you by.

Irritating online expressions people say in the workplace

OMG (26%)

LOL (19%)

FYI (12%)

Epic fail (10%)

Cringe (8%)

Swag (6%)

YOLO (5%)

On point / on fleek (4%)

For the win (4%)

That’s cray (3%)

If cornered the best thing to ask an OP for is an ‘Enhanced Assessment Methodology’ implying that it was a request from their line manager’s manager.

Research* last year clearly showed that there is clear evidence that Chief Executive Officer (CEO) pay is negatively related to future stock returns for periods up to three years after sorting on pay. For example, firms that pay their CEOs in the top ten percent of excess pay earn negative abnormal returns over the next three years of approximately -8%. The effect is stronger for CEOs who receive higher incentive pay relative to their peers and stronger for CEOs with greater tenure. Our results appear to be driven by high-pay related CEO overconfidence that leads to shareholder wealth losses from activities such as over investment and value-destroying mergers and acquisitions.

And in September we had two excellent examples of this with our two mediocre managers of the month being both overpaid and incompetent.

Our Membership Director at the Institute of Mediocre Management has asked me to reach out to other ‘C’ level executives who are also overpaid and out of their depth and who might needed friendly club where they can share their experiences with other like-minded buffoons. We have a lot of Bankers as you would expect and good representation from the construction and telephone sales industries and of course a couple of ‘charities’ but all are welcome. You need to have a pathological fear of Mr Corbyn, an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance and abilities, and also proof of significant tax avoidance. The latter is important so that if you ever ‘show and tell’ so will we (smiley face).

Do remember also that most Management Gurus such as dear Dickie Branson, Big Al Sugar and that plonker on Dragon’s Den tell us all that to succeed you need to fail first and then learn from that. Here at the I.M.M. we have many of the world’s leading business failures and most have never tasted success but it will surely come. However they continue to invest millions of investor’s money into their madcap schemes hoping that the law of averages will work to their favour.

So if your current package is gross, your litany of bankruptcies immense and your ego colossal then join us now at the I.M.M. Because you’re worth it!

*Michael J. Cooper, University of Utah – David Eccles School of Business, Huseyin Gulen Purdue University – Krannert School of Management, P. Raghavendra Rau University of Cambridge

David Cameron is going to tell his National Security Council this as he announces plans to crack down on workers (colleagues, staff etc).

According to a briefing, Cameron is expected to say:

For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens: as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone. It’s often meant we have stood neutral between different values. And that’s helped foster a narrative of extremism and grievance. This Government will conclusively turn the page on this failed approach.

He will say Thought Leaders believe in “certain values”, adding: “To belong to a Company is to believe in these things. And it means confronting head-on the poisonous socialist extremist ideology. Whether they are violent in their means or not, we must make it impossible for the Unions to succeed.”

It’s expected Cameron will introduce a counter-workers bill in his Queen’s Speech later in May. Planned measures include introducing new orders to ban staff councils and restrict people who seek to radicalise apprentices and interns via inductions and ‘showing them around’.

The new package is expected to include:

The introduction of banning orders for organisations who stand up for workers rights in public places, but whose activities fall short of proscription.

New Disruption Orders to restrict people who seek to restrict Thought Leaders’ pay and conditions packages;

Powers to close staff restaurants and sports clubs where left leaning staff may seek to influence others;

Strengthening the powers of the Charity Commission to root out charities who misappropriate funds towards the poor, sick and other malingerers;

Further immigration restrictions on extremists i.e people who can’t buy a house for at least a £1million;

A strengthened role for Ofcom to take action against channels which broadcast extremist content such as HIGNFY.

It is possible to feel slightly happier every day – for free. That’s according to Dr Teresa Belton, an education expert and the author of Happier People Healthier Planet

1. List five things for which you are grateful – whether big things or small

“For example I live in a country where there’s easy access to clean, running water; I can read and write; it was good to see the shop assistant’s smile this morning; I just caught the post with my urgent letter. Doing this every week for ten weeks has a real effect: research has shown that this practice results in lasting, measurable increases in wellbeing, as it gets us into the habit of seeing our life through a positive lens.”

2. Give stuff away

“Creating space by de-cluttering relieves stress and gives us a feeling of lightness; giving away possessions, donating them to charity, rather than selling them, is a form of generosity and being generous makes us feel good. Look through your belongings and get rid of things that you just don’t use.”

3. Go for a walk in woods or fields, or visit your local park

“Time spent in green surroundings has been shown time and again to be calming and restorative. Even a green view is beneficial. If you can’t see any trees or shrubs from your window buy some plants for indoors.”

4. Invite someone to tea

“Or offer to help your neighbour with their garden, leaking pipe, shopping, etc.; take up regular voluntary work. Social connectedness, a sense of community, feeling needed, and making a positive difference in the world all contribute a great deal to our own satisfaction with life.”

5. Get stuck into something

“Active engagement is a major factor in personal wellbeing and if you really enjoy your chosen activity and it stretches you a bit you will lose yourself in it and experience a wonderful sense of “flow”, forgetting about yourself in solo endeavours and feeling closer ties to others in collaborative ones.”

6. Fix a time and ring a friend for a good long chat

“People who have a number of friends with whom they can discuss things that are important to them are much happier than those who can’t or don’t. Having cordial relationships, whether with family, friends, neighbours, colleagues or fleeting acquaintances, is fundamental to personal wellbeing.”

Like this:

Now that Jeremy Clarkson has been given the heave-ho from Top Gear for thumping an underling we thought it would be useful to highlight other things that you might do that could prevent your rise to the top of the tree. If you are at the top of the tree read no further as all of this if perfectly acceptable

1. Be cocky to your boss or co-workers

Ask yourself am I coming over as confident or as a plonker? Its a fine line and often crossed. Watch the eyes of the person you’re talking too and if they are looking over your shoulder then it’s the latter.

2. Be Invisible

So you’re keeping your head under the parapet? Fine but when the promotion comes Mr. Cocky wins ‘cos you’ve not been seen.

3. Join the office clique

You know why these guys hang out together? It’s because no-one else likes them and now you’re about to become deeply unpopular as well.

4. Snog a colleague

Office romance is deeply boring, irritating and embarrassing to your co-workers and your boss. If you fancy someone and they reciprocate do it your own time and outside the office please.

5. Bang on about ‘Me Me Me’

Actually no-one is interested about your skydiving weekend, your holiday in a lovely little boutique hotel where there were absolutely no tourists or your cute little cat/dog, especially if you’re about to whip out the smart phone and show pictures of any of this. This is the only time when Rule (2) applies)

6. Be Bossy

Think about, when have you ever done something well and willingly just after you have been shouted at? Much better to ask nicely and it will probably get done. If it doesn’t then you can always shaft them later by informing their boss

7. Being laid back has its limits

Bare feet on a desk watching TV is not ok at work even if it is in your lunch break. Neither is wearing stuff to work that would look great on the beach. Its always better to overdress than underdress and then behave like you would at your in-laws rather than how you would at a rave.

8. Be duplicitous

Tell your Boss it how it is, not how you think it should have been. By all means blame others but in a positive, caring way i.e. give feedback. Same result, you get off the hook and they can’t complain about it because its for their own good

9: Googling and Social Media at work

If people see you on the internet doing stuff you shouldn’t be doing then they think you’re a loser. Obviously they would do the same but its called negative perceptive blindness to their own faults, which they then guilt transfer to you. Also note that it is a proven paradigm that your boss will always catch you surfing the net when they have a task they are looking to offload.

10. Grumble

Yes we all agree, your job is not the most exciting and fulfilling thing in your life, your boss/company/working hours are awful, commuting sucks, your social life is rubbish, and your partner doesn’t understand you. So what’s new? Look around, everyone else has the same issues so get over it. Do not by way of a change though start to do a Rule (4). Just accept your lot and do the lottery, it may all change.

A recent poll has shown that workers are not the happy bunnies they should be as their colleagues seem to wind them up daily. On careful inspection the ‘bad’ habits seem to reflect the usual behaviour of Management which goes someway to explain why bosses are not as loved as they think they should be.

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended by the BBC from Top Gear following a “fracas” with one of the show’s producers. Allegedly Clarkson had been involved in a row over catering while filming on location in Hawes, North Yorkshire.

Many people may well be asking what exactly is a ‘fracas’. Well it has various meanings:

As you can see a ‘fracas’ ranges from an attack with a small but significant weapon of mass destruction down to a finger wagging telling off. So poor old Jeremy will have to wait and see whether he gets 6 months in the Clink or 60 minutes on the Naughty Step.

However all may not be lost for Jezza. A Change.org petition, aiming to reverse the BBC Top Gear decision, was started on 10 March by blogger Guido Fawkes. The petition had been signed by over 800,000 people by the 13th March and looks like hitting a million votes at least, by the weekend.

Its interesting to conjecture though that if Jennifer (yes that’s another of his monikers) had been a Tory MP (he thought about it) or a Banker (he’s rich enough) or a Baron (JC is a member of the Chipping Norton Set) then there may not have been so much sympathy from the general public with headlines such as:

‘MP Pummels Researcher’

‘Banker Wallops Intern’

‘Baron Bashes Servant’

So what can we all learn from this:

Its widely alleged that Jeremy Clarkson is a self-centered, thoughtless, arrogant bully but with a twinkle in his eye and a penchant for speaking to the heart of the common man. These are all very useful traits if you seek riches and power. We can learn many a lesson from the PetrolHeadMeister and this blog will follow his continuing career after the BBC Top Gear Fracas blows over, with great interest as he gets to the top without working too hard.

Breaking News……

Jeremy will hopefully be a guest speaker at the Institute of Mediocre Management later this year. His topic will be:

There are more important things to worry about than what some balding and irrelevant middle-aged man might have said on a crappy BBC2 motoring show.” (Jezza –Sunday Times 2008)

The Institute Of Mediocre Management are withdrawing their sponsorship from the IMM Budgie-Smuggers Cycling team who have been found guilty of using excessive amounts of EPO to win at any cost. The IMM of course support the use of EPA (Executive Pay Awards) to gain a significant advantage by being able to afford really expensive bikes.

As its Friday, here at the I.M.M. , our Head of Human Exploitation, Dr Hiram N Sackem, thought that your workers could do with a little cheering up – we’re not all ogres here at the Institute! The obvious caveat being these should be enjoyed in their leisure time not whilst working at your coal face.