Providing support for a survivor of rape or sexual assault

We understand how difficult it can be to support a survivor of rape or sexual assault. You may be scared of doing the wrong thing or feel like you are powerless. But there are some ways you can support the person you care about which will be of great help to their emotional recovery, even if you feel helpless.

What to do

Listen: Listen to what they are telling you. And show them that you are listening. As they tell you things, you may find it difficult to hear or find that you have questions. It is important that you do not interrupt, especially if they are getting things off their chest that take a lot of courage to tell people.

Believe them: This is probably the most important thing to do. Believe what they are telling you and make sure that they know that you believe them. No matter how hard it is to hear, you should let them know that you believe them, even if it means hearing difficult details about someone else you know.

Be patient: You should be very patient with the person you care about. They may have told you that something had happened, and then suddenly found it too hard to say more. They may be getting their words confused. They might be angry or crying. Just be patient. Let them know you are listening. Let them know that you believe them. Let them tell you in their own time what happened. Being patient is also important in the long term. It may take a while before you feel that the person who was assaulted is “themselves” again and you may think their personality has changed. Just be patient, they are going through a very difficult period and you letting them know you are there for them, no matter what, is very important.

Let them remember (in their own time): Don’t tell them to forget about what has happened and, if they are telling you about it, let them remember in their own time.

Let them be in control: Being raped or sexually assaulted often involves the survivor having felt helpless and as if they had lost control. It is important you let them feel in control. Respect their decisions wherever possible, and try not to be offended or upset if they want to do something that you don’t think is best. They may want you to come to appointments with them, but they may ask you not to come or even ask someone else to be the person who supports them at an appointment. This can be frustrating, but try and let them control what happens to them and don’t try to take over and make important decisions for them.

Let them show their emotions: Everyone reacts differently and any reaction to a rape or sexual assault is normal. If they are angry or upset, let them show their emotions. It’s also important to remember that some survivors may seem remarkably calm or as if they are not bothered by what has happened to them. Don’t judge them for this as they are probably in shock or confused about what has happened to them. It is not uncommon for people to shut down emotionally and go ‘numb,’ so don’t be surprised if they are not emotional, just as you should not be surprised if they are very emotional.

Ask about touching: You may be desperate to give them a hug or to hold their hand in support. But for many survivors of rape or sexual assault, even if you are one of their closest loved ones, they may not be comfortable with any physical contact for the moment. Respect their wishes and try not to touch them unless they tell you that it is OK to do so, or if they initiate the contact themselves.

Offer practical support: Try to remove as many other burdens from their lives as possible. Offer to come to appointments with them. Offer to make them a drink. Tell them that you will help them any way that you can and ask if there’s anything you can do that will help.

Remember that it’s not their fault: Nobody is to blame other than the person who raped or sexually assaulted the person you care about. It is as simple as that. Don’t ask them about the circumstances, like if they had been drinking or what they were wearing, or if their relationship to the perpetrator may have caused the assault. Let them tell you what happened and make sure they know they are not to blame in any way.

Recognise their courage: It takes a lot of courage to tell someone about any trauma, especially a rape or sexual assault. Let them know how brave they are for speaking up.

Do not ask why they did or didn’t do something: You should never ask them why they did or didn’t do something. This might make them think you don’t believe them or that you are blaming them. Do not ask why they didn’t fight back or run away. Do not ask why they didn’t say something sooner if the incident was some time ago. Do not judge them for any action they either did or did not take.

If the person you care about who was sexually assaulted or raped has used our service, they may be provided with access to a Young Person’s Advocate, also known as a ChISVA, in the weeks and months after the incident. They are there to support the survivor and also to help you support them. You are not alone in having to help them and you should always try to look after your own wellbeing wherever possible.

By clicking one of the boxes below, you can find out more about the support you can get for your own wellbeing or about the role of Young Person’s Advocates in helping to look after the person you care about after their assault.