Tuesday, 21 August 2012

I left Auckland feminist drinks, also lovingly called Boner
Killer Drinks* early.

Early, because I was so angry at a man attending, that I was
scared of what I would say, who I would upset, and trouble I would cause.

So here is a little love letter to the guy involved, and
perhaps the woman stupid enough to bring him along to something he was
obviously opposed to.

I was angry when you made jokes about high heeled shoes and
car washing fundraisers, because you obviously expected a rise out of us. And I’m
really sorry, but the wide range of young feminists around the table have more valuable
shit to worry about that telling other people how to dress.

Did you really think those jokes were fresh? Normal women
have to hear that crap all the time. As people who identify as feminists, we
are targeted for crap like that daily. I can’t believe you thought you were
unique bringing that shit to our table.

I got angry when you made jokes about “accepting our lord
and saviour Jesus Christ into our lives” because that exact phrase is really
triggering for me, and you didn’t know that because you didn’t ask, or care.

In fact, all you seemed to want was a response.

It didn’t matter that the response wouldn’t be interesting,
or make better conversation, or expand horizons, you just wanted to get someone
angry.

I got angry when I finally tried to shut you down by joking
that “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you are saying, I’m too busy objectifying
your beard” your girlfriend fired up because someone else yelled “Yeah, take
off your top”. (which by the way was very funny) .

So you can literally sit there and bait us, in our own safe
place, but we can’t pick on you, because why?

I got angry when you tried to enter a philosophical debate
about abortion by talking over the top of a history major, about the history of
genocide.

When you talked over the top of the women trying to explain
their point.
WHEN YOU TALKED OVER THE TOP OF YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND WHEN SHE TRIED TO HELP YOU
ARGUE. Why in gods name would you do that!? She was the only one out of the two
of you actually qualified for the discussion, since she is the only one who has
to get pregnant.

I got really angry when you said “urgh let’s go” and then DIDN’T
GO!!

You could have just left. It was our meeting, our space, our
time. Why the hell when you realised you didn’t like it, didn’t you just leave?

But no, you stood there arguing so long that I had time to
get up and leave.

I got angry in the car on the way home. Angry at myself for
not saying all this stuff, angry at you for talking over me when I tried. Angry
at your girlfriend for bringing someone unsafe to our safe place.

So angry.

And then I got angry at not expressing it.

Because you know what? Neck beards like you exist in my life
EVERY FUCKING DAY.

You are my boss.

You are the doctors I work with.

You are my family members.

You are the men on the street.

You are the jackass who came to feminist drinks and had a
laugh at our expense.

You were the one person I COULD have shouted at, and I didn’t.

Because I’ve gotten really good at being angry and keeping
my mouth shut.
At letting people like you talk over me, walk over me, violate my boundaries,
and make me feel unsafe. And I just play nice and try to get away as soon as I
can. I don’t want to be a “bad person” and give feminism a “bad name”. God
forbid a feminist be angry, why would we be angry?

Mostly I’m angry at the fact I live in a society where one
half of our country genuinely feels that their opinion is more
valid/important/correct than the other half. And it’s so ingrained that you are
probably going home thinking you did us a favour giving us something to think
about.

We read about this shit, we research it, we debate it, we
watch it, we work on political change, and read policy documents. We work in
sectors where we make a difference.

There is very little that you could have brought to that
table that someone hadn’t heard before, and yet you assumed we would actually change
our minds based on your awesome argument.

So please don’t bother coming back. Because I’ve figured out
what made me angry. And next time I won’t just leave.

27 comments:

Lena
said...

I am sad that someone like that came in and ruined our safe space, even though I had to miss this month's one. I think it would definitely be good to lay down some grounds rules - most of the regulars are good, but sometimes lines can be crossed.

I've been reading this blog for a while but this is my first comment as I really appreciated this post. People like that put me off identifying myself as a feminist as I often find the antagonism directed at me in response is just not worth the effort. But why would someone like that go along to feminist drinks? That's a real invasion :(

I wish you didn't have to experience what you described. But I'm glad you wrote about it. I identify with your feelings of always feeling like I have to be careful about not being too obviously angry at male domination, but because of that sitting places quite uncomfortable and effectively silenced.

Personally, as a Māori woman who doesn't give a shit about what men think, say or do, I find this post somewhat hard to fathom. If this dude was invading my space I would have said to him "Dude, you're invading my space, so bugger off"

And then if he didn't leave, I would have made an attempt to set fire to his beard (in a loving and caring way, of course and without contributing to carbon emissions drastically).

You definitely have every reason to be angry at yourself for being such a wimp.

We get enough of policing our responses to things, we don't need other women jumping on the bandwagon.

Way to miss the point about how many women are socialized to "be nice" to men, and how difficult it is to break out of those habits. As much as we'd love to, not everyone can be strong and or loud all the time - there are often consequences for these actions that involve anything from rejection from our fellow sisters (cough) to repurcussive violence.

Lena - I agree! Jess and Sandra, thanks for commenting, its nice to hear about other people feeling the same way. Adele - I was hoping that this post would either make people think, help people feel less alone, or encourage people to come forward with their own functional strategies. A Nonny Moose covered all that needs to be said about BS negativity in spaces where it isn't needed. But if anyone else does actually genuinely deal with this stuff day-to-day and do something about it without arrest warrants or losing their job, Id love to hear it.

One trick I use at work when someone says a joke I find offensive is rather than lecture or get angry I just look blank and say "I don't get it". They then either have to explain why their racism/sexism/bigotry is funny or get lost. It seems to be working quite well so far.

Well the guy certainly sounds like a dickhead. I'm curious, was the "accepting Jesus" comment meant as a joke from him or was he actually trying to convert people? Not that either way is acceptable, just interested.

I guess whether men come to these sort of events is entirely down to how they are advertised - is it clear they are for women only? (I've no idea, I'm in Christchurch, so no concerns with me gatecrashing one at least!).

@Acid Queen: "It seems like by keeping men out we would not really be missing out on much" Again that depends on the content of the discussion and whether male input is wanted. Safe spaces for all genders are necessary but for any progress to be made clearly the majority need to include discussion across gender boundaries.

And without meaning to take away from Scuba Nurse's justifiable anger, I don't think lacking a uterus instantly makes you unqualified to enter a philosophical debate about abortion. Just sayin'.

I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of excluding people based on gender, partly because, I think any cause needs a wide range of supporters. There where white people on the busses in the USA in the student protests, there should be men at feminist drinks. Thats just my personal opinion.I do agree that there should be "standards" and this shmuck- not worth naming since he isnt part of the group, and was literally a friend of a friend's boyfriend, would never have made it past a gentle reminder to women to not bring people who don't identify as feminist to the group.The other really big reason to allow all people of all genders, Cis, trans, male, female, and so on, is that there are too many barriers in the real world all ready when it comes to gender. I have no intention of building more in a place I have a part of.

"there are too many barriers in the real world all ready when it comes to gender."

There aren't many barriers which apply to cis men, though.

I agree it's good to have cis men supporting the movement, but the idea that cis men will only support the movement if they are given across the board access to all events, well, that is a very entitled attitude. I would hope not many supporters have such a cold attitude but if they do their support is unwelcome IMO.

I have done many workshops on how to be a pro-feminsit man and one of the first things we teach is "Just because you are supportive does not mean you will never find yourself excluded from feminist spaces, and if you truly understand feminism you will understand why that is and hav eno problem with it"

"It is hard to imagine a trans man behaving in the way the guy in the original post is don't you think?"

No, not at all. I've seen plenty of trans guys who are just as douchey as cis guys.

"The whole thing is about abusing one's cis male privilege"

I don't see where the 'cis' part enters into this. All I saw was the abuse of male privilege.Shit, the guy could be a stealth trans guy for all you know.

People need to stop with the 'everyone welcome but cis men' bullshit because it is othering of trans men. It says to trans men "You're not a real man; you're more like a woman."And as I pointed out earlier, that's really insulting.

The point is that the specific type of douchiness that comes from a place of privilege, as opposed to just being annoying, is what was displayed here. Scuba isn't angry and unsafe because the guy was a jerk, it's because he was a jerk in a way that reinforced his privilege.

Unless you are claiming transmen are part of the patriarchy, they don't have that privilege to reinforce.

But this is a derail really, since it seems the policy is to continue to be "all welcome", transmen, cismen, everybody.

It is up to the organisers to organise it hwo they want of course, but I will no longer be attending if they can't guarantee my safety

For a bit of context, the Feminist Drinks aren't a serious meeting where we discuss academic type stuff, it's quite literally a bunch of feminists (mostly women, but some men too, and they are usually cool) having drinks. I would be uncomfortable with excluding men from them, because most of the guys that come along are fun, and our friends!

@Liz: "I thought you were better educated than this, Acid Queen." Interesting that you should say this Liz, because I found Acid Queen's last post troublesome too - she seems to be suggesting that cismen are the sole drivers and beneficiaries of the patriarchy, and that everybody else (women, transmen etc.) are outside of the system and can neither benefit from nor contribute towards the patriarchy.

The ability to pass does not make a transman a beneficiary of cis privilege anymore than the ability to pass as straight makes a queer person a beneficiary of hetero privilege, or a person of colour a beneficiary of white privilege.

I'm comfortable with my level of education, thanks.

Anyway as I say, this is a derail.

@Lena: "Most" men may well be well behaved, but it only takes one. The fact that other men don't behave this way is cold comfort for Scuba I imagine.

You haven't addressed any of the pertinent points we raised, Acid Queen, such as why 'cis' is important in this context or how cis men are the only group complicit in patriarchy.

And sorry to burst your bubble, but when I'm passing a cis (i.e. all the time, unless someone has been told) I get treated like I'm cis.We call that 'passing privilege' and it confers pretty much all the social benefits of being cis.

I also don't think you have any right to compare my identity to queer people or people of colour. That shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what being trans is about (for example, one of the main goals of being gay or a POC is not to pass as hetero or white, whereas the majority of binary trans people wish to pass as cis).

You may be comfortable with your level of education, but I am not.Could you please educate yourself further before you comment on trans issues again?

I have worked hard to educate myself on trans issues Liz and while I'm sorry it doesn't meet your standards little of the education I have sought implies that excluding trans men from safe spaces is somehow a way to make life easier for them.

You may recall earlier it was argued that we shouldn't be banning people because life throws up enough barriers on the basis of sex and identity, and I made the point that it doesn't place many barriers in the way of cis men. The same cannot be said for trans men.

Ok, everyone has put their points forward. Apologies have been made. Can we return to the main topic at hand, or stop. Anyone wishing to have a direct conversation person to person about their understanding of gender issues can contact each other directly please. No further person to person discussions are required.