Toddler Tips
Too Old to Nurse?

We provide articles
from our publications from previous years for reference for our Leaders and
members. Readers are cautioned to remember that research and medical information
change over time.

"Toddler Tips" is a regular
feature of the magazine NEW BEGINNINGS, published bimonthly by La Leche
League International. In this column, suggestions are offered by readers
of NEW BEGINNINGS to help parents of toddlers. Various points of view
are presented. Not all of the information may be pertinent to your family's
life-style. This information is general in nature, and not intended to
be advice, medical or otherwise.

Situation

My three-year-old daughter
still loves to nurse. She is a very active, challenging child, and nursing
seems to bring her such peace and makes her much easier to handle. My
husband says she is much too old to nurse, and that I should wean her
immediately: I am honestly concerned that she will become totally unmanageable.
Can you help?

Response

My Cheyenne loved to nurse—morning,
noon, and night. Like your daughter, she is very active. Her only time
to slow down was when she would climb into the comforts of a great nursing
session. I was worried that the time to stop nursing would never come,
but it happened when Cheyenne was about three-and-a-half years old.
At this time, my milk supply decreased dramatically. Cheyenne was heartbroken,
and so were my husband and I because we no longer had the calming tool
that we had become so accustomed to. Instead we developed a special
time of reading together. This allowed Cheyenne to have a quiet time
in the comfort of her mother's arms. We also snuggled together and talked
about the times when she used to nurse. At nearly four years old, Cheyenne
understands that though the milk is no longer available, there will
always be time for comforting in her mother's lap.

Janell Brink
Stanton CA USA

Response

My daughter, Melissa, is
two-and-a-half years old, and also a "challenging child." She nurses
frequently, sometimes for her sake and sometimes for mine. I understand
perfectly your concern that without nursing to calm her, she may become
hard to manage. For help with Melissa's behavior, I turned to Mary Sheedy
Kurcinka's book, Raising Your Spirited Child. The first time I picked
up this book, I felt as if somebody finally understood and could put
a name on it—temperament. Although the book does not deal specifically
with the issue of toddler nursing, it helped me figure out strategies
that would make life easier.

As for the issue of nursing,
I continually ask myself and my husband, "Would situation X be any easier
if this child was weaned?" The answer is almost always "no." But it
is important to acknowledge your husband's concern and to let him know
that you recognize that he only wants what is best for your daughter.
Try to discuss the situation calmly, even though you may be angry at
him for what seems like a lack of support. It is likely that he is getting
negative comments from others that are making him uncomfortable. It
may help him to hear that his support and encouragement are crucial
to you at this time. He may not realize how much nursing means to both
you and your daughter.

Keep in mind (and remind
your husband) that nursing does not go on forever. As soon as your child
is capable of weaning, she will do so. You can actively encourage progress
by setting limits (where and when), substituting other things (a cup
of juice), and providing plenty of undivided attention (no folding laundry
or taking phone calls). Ask your daughter what she would like to do
today. You may be surprised by how creative her answers can be!

Sue Fuhriman
Concord, CA, USA

Response

When my daughter, K,
was almost three years old, I decided to wean her. It was by far the
worst decision I ever made. K, like your daughter, is also very
challenging. But our nursing relationship would soothe her and seemed
to keep her grounded. She was only nursing at night to go to sleep
and once or twice in the middle of the night. I, too, felt that she
was too old to nurse. I thought it was too much trouble to nurse
her and that it would be easier if she weaned. I cut her off cold
turkey. She screamed and cried for hours for several nights. After
that, she would wake up every night several times crying. She would
say things like,
"I'm so sad that I can't nurse" and "My heart is broken because I can't
have nummies." My heart was broken, too, but I continued with this
program. K had been entirely potty-trained, including nighttime, for
three months; she immediately regressed when I weaned her. She began
taking a bottle at night (so I was changing her diaper five to six
times per night). She began having nightmares. This was definitely
not easier than nursing!

It's been five months since
that awful time that I weaned her so abruptly, and she is just now starting
to potty train again; she still takes a bottle (just one in the middle
of the night now); she still has nightmares.

The challenging child naturally
demands more but also has a better chance of having needs met than a
less challenging child might. Listen to your daughter and maybe give
her a nudge toward weaning, but if she doesn't give in easily, she is
not ready. You will resent your husband if you do something that your
child is not ready for just to please him.

If she seems too old to nurse
to your husband, then she will also seem too old to do the things that
will take the place of nursing. So why not choose the comforting tool
that has worked so well up to this point?

SH

Response

I, too, have a three-year-old
who needs to nurse, and from my observations and conversations with
other mothers, it is not that uncommon for toddlers to continue to nurse
when allowed to wean naturally.

I urge you to obtain the
book BECOMING A FATHER by Dr. William Sears for your husband. Dr. Sears
is a strong proponent for breastfeeding and discusses natural weaning
in a way that fathers can understand.

Tammy Rousso
Tucson, AZ, USA

Response

My son Jacob nursed until
shortly before his fifth birthday. Towards the end it was only once
a day (at night before he went to sleep), but even so, it was important
to him, and I found it an invaluable tool for making mothering easier.
The year Jacob was three was more challenging than when he was two—
can't imagine weaning him then! It would have been traumatic for both
of us. My advice is to continue to nurse your daughter until she is
fully ready to wean on her own. In other cultures, nursing is the norm.
Your daughter is one of the lucky ones, to still be nursing! I see mothers
trying to calm and comfort their children with bottles, blankets, stuffed
animals, but for Jacob, nursing always worked like magic.

Gloria Finkel
Elkins Park, PA, USA

Response

My son, Jackson, is three
years, eight months old, and still enjoys "nursey," too. Although three
years is not a common age for children in the United States to nurse,
it has been the norm for you and your daughter, as it has been for us.
Abruptly weaning her when she continues to love nursing (and you are
reaping benefits as well!) could be a decision that does not serve either
of you well.

This is a challenging stage
of life for children. Their verbal skills are developing, but a child
this age still cannot fully express his or her needs or feelings. With
nursing, no words are necessary. Nursing allows both the child and mother
to take some time-out to regroup and reconnect. I have found nursing
to be an invaluable parenting tool, especially on those trying days
when my patience is thin.

It may be hard for your husband
to understand why a three-year-old needs to nurse or why a mother needs
to use whatever is at her disposal to cope with a nonstop bundle of
energy. Perhaps if you express to him that continuing to nurse is in
the family's best interest (Happy child + happy mom + happy dad = happy
family), he'll come around to accepting individual needs. Also, tell
him that no child nurses forever and that soon your child will move
away from nursing more and more. I can attest to that. You didn't mention
if your husband is receiving outside pressure from family or friends
about the fact that his three-year-old is still nursing. If so, you
may want to consider sharing this information only with those who understand
and are supportive.

You have come this far and
a "mutual agreement" between you and your daughter would be a nice way
to end your relationship as a nursing couple. I know it can be a challenge
to nurse for an extended period of time, and I admire you for your efforts.
This time with our little ones passes all too quickly and if you can
provide peace and joy in your child's life today, she will benefit greatly
for many years to come.

Donna Pennington
Austin, TX, USA

Response

My daughter, Stephanie, turned
three last September. I never imagined that she would nurse beyond the
first year! I, too, have found that I do not receive much support from
family and friends for my decision to allow Stephanie to wean herself.
I also appreciate that nursing a toddler is quite different than nursing
an infant. Stephanie asks for her "milkies" and often tries to nurse,
even in public!

Breast milk contains high
levels of the amino acid L-tryptophan, which has a calming or sedative
effect on a child. Also, nursing stimulates the production of prolactin,
which has a calming effect on the mother! Since I, too, have a "high
spirited" child, I feel both mother and child benefit when a toddler
nurses her way through the "tumultuous twos."

While I encourage Stephanie
to drink juice, water, and other beverages, I respect her desire to
continue breastfeeding. At two-and-a-half, I began to tell Stephanie
that "milkies" are for nap time, or bedtime, if she wanted to nurse during
the day. If she insisted, I let her nurse, but as time went on, she
nursed less during the day. I have recently detected signs that Stephanie
may be gradually weaning herself.

I found the recent article
in NEW BEGINNINGS on the age of weaning in other mammals to be quite
enlightening. The age of weaning should be determined by the needs of
mother and child, and not imposed by others. I hope you find support
in hearing from another mother who is nursing a three-year-old. I encourage
you to work this through with your husband, so that you may be united
in this and countless other decisions you will face together as your
daughter matures.

Nina Bernard
Exeter, NH, USA

Response

When my older son was three
and still nursing, my husband, Lon, started to wonder just when this
child would wean. He would tease Kris, not in a mean or judgmental way,
but by saying things such as Kris was "too old for nummies." This didn't
stop Kris from nursing, but he didn't know how to answer. So I taught
him to say "Too old for rock 'n roll." Lon, who was approaching his
fortieth birthday, just about died laughing.

I think that some tension
between mothers and fathers over weaning is natural. As Tine Thevenin
points out in her book, Mothering and Fathering, fathers are more concerned
with helping a child achieve independence, while mothers are more willing
to nurture the baby still present inside a growing toddler or preschooler.
Mothers and fathers are different, and both views can, and should, exist
in the same family. After all, your three-year-old experiences the same
conflict within herselfwanting at times to be grown up, to have the
world (and herself) under control, and at other times needing the comfort
of mother's arms and breast to feel safe and secure.

Perhaps your husband would
feel more comfortable about your daughter's continued nursing if you
helped him to see all the ways in which she is growing older and more
mature, even as she continues to nurse. Focusing on the nursing, unusual
for three-year-olds in this culture, may prevent himand you, toofrom
seeing all the ways in which your little girl is growing up. It may
also be time to start talking as a family about how someday your daughter
will decide she's through nursing and to have some special "daddy-daughter"
time away from mother. If your husband sees you on the road to weaning,
he may be more accepting. Also give him lots of reassurance, support,
and attention: inside every grown up man, there's a little boy that
needs nurturing.