Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Brad just called, they were leaving the docs office after their US....and just as I predicted - it is a GIRL! YAY! I am so excited. They remind me of Scott and I...so in love and just all about each other and God. I love them so much. He is like my child, I guess if I never have one - I have him. He calls me every day to make sure I am ok or if I need anything. They called me yesterday and sang happy birthday to me - made me cry!

They are thinking of Italy as a first name - how pretty.

Just thought I would share the news here since I can't call family yet - he wants to do that!

39 - just wanted to get that out there right off the bat. It was actually yesterday but I just couldn't post...was an up and down day for me.

39...ugh. I was asked how old I will be next year and before I could really think about it...I said 40...40!!! 10 more years and I will be *gulp* 50! Where did it go? Time??

You know that hill people say you are over sometimes...I swear I just felt me crest it!

I have a book that I filled out when I was in high school about to graduate. Where did I see me at 40? Married - check!Great car - ummm thanks to an uninsured motorist that destroyed my car - NO...we bought an Explorer (hate it).Big house - ummmm no...small 2 bedroom 1 bath house that is desperate need of updating.Teaching music in the school system - umm nope. I met Scott fell in love, got married and got a job full time - school part time and not in teaching :(.Travelled to Italy and Hawaii - LAUGHING HARD...barely been out of NC/SC...I am so boring!

wait for it....

wait....

wait...

3 children. ummm *tears* didn't happen. Biggest regret is not going ahead with more intense treatments when we found out making love didn't make babies for us. Though it took 10 years and a different doctor to tell me about PCOS and that is why I have no baby. Still angry at my regular OBGYN who refused to test me even though I asked. I trusted him.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would beg, steal ... ok not steal but borrow every dime I could to make it happen and not think ok....we got tons of time, we will take the less aggressive route and see what happens. NADA happened.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would hold people closer, hold my tongue a little tighter and forgive without hesitation.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I wouldn't take for granted my ability to walk and bend and sit...I would take better care of my body and my health.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would sing every chance I had to praise my Savior instead of letting fear of failure and feeling like I was standing in the shadow of others in my family keep me from it. He is worthy of my praise, He gave me a talent that I have not used until recently.

If I had these 10 years to do over - my brother would have never spent one day without knowing his sister loved him before he died. I would have pictures of him and I laughing and just being together.

I don't have those 10 years to do over. In those 10 years though, I have discovered a love that every day I thought it couldn't get better but it does, he is my best friend, my heart. I rebuilt my relationship with God...how did I ever make it to 30 without having this relationship???? I found a best friend who makes me smile and when I am with her I just feel invincible! Why did I ever move away from her???? ugh. I found best friends online as well, of all places huh? A group of women who have wore or are wearing my shoes and walking that road of infertility. They amaze me every day.

In those 10 years, I have laughed, cried, felt love that is amazing, made friends, new family, held babies (that was something I hadn't done since Parker was born). I went to Chicago, Washington and other local places. I have seen several new babies born into our families. I learned to knit and love it, I picked back up crocheting and love it. I learned to scrapbook and to be creative.

Life ain't so bad. My best friend Jodi that died at such a young age - 35 - from a terrible, painful disease would talk to me every day and tell me not to worry so much about her....it could be worse. What an outlook - it could be worse. When I look at my life that way ohh goodness - YES it could be worse, my life is wonderful compared to what I consider worse. THANK YOU JESUS!

You know....I could get pregnant early this year and have triplets and then I could check off the last one .... I just heard Scott's heart stop!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

In the book Esther in the Bible - God, prayer, praise, heaven - NOTHING God related was mentioned at all in this book. But, even though His name wasn't mentioned He is alllll over this book of the Bible.

I went to the doctor yesterday...was blah. The back doctor by the way.

He walks in, shakes my hand and here is how it goes..."Hey Hope, how are you doing?""About the same I guess - no wait better because the infection is gone!""How is your pain?""Same as last month, though I have fallen a few times and have bruises up and down my legs - wanna see??"

He looks at my legs and takes notes - I hate when they take notes, I wonder if he wrote "She actually shaved her legs today!"

"So what is the plan doc? I want my life back, I want to work, I want to be able to pick up more than a gallon of milk without wincing."

"Looking at your last scan and since your symptoms have not improved and maybe a little worse - I hate to tell you but the nerve damage may be permanent"

I am a big crier - so my eyes fill with tears, he hands me a kleenex and proceeds to tell me that pain management is my course for a while. I am still stuck on permanent damage and barely hear what words comes from his mouth.

"What about physical therapy? Can I do that and maybe get some strength back and some stability back?""Well, I don't recommend it - I am afraid at this point that you may push it to far and hurt yourself further""But, I can't sit here and do NOTHING...please let me do PT!""I will write an order for 4 weeks and it isn't going to be running on a treadmill or biking - just heat/cold/US therapy and some minimal stretches and exercises.""I will take anything that might veer us off the single avenue of pain management"

Soo...that is where I am. I got home, and was quite upset but tried to not let Scott know. I just don't know how I can deal with this all my life. How can I even have a child if I can't pick them up or heck...carry one in my belly??? Just a little heart broken about the pain and about the baby thing. I am still keeping my appointment next month with the gyno/RE but I am sure they are going to be really reluctant to help me at this point...and well, I will be 39 in a few short days and that makes me a year from old. Sorry if anyone that reads this is 40 but I am being dramatic..I know 40 isn't old but in the ttc world it sure seems like it is!

I got a great email from my nephew and nieces mother....God knew what I needed to hear and He gave her the words. It really made me feel so much better to read...will post part of it here

I know it is hard to see past what our flesh wants allot of the time, but remember that Gods gifts are sometimes spiritual and not physical. I may wind up just being a great SINGLE mother who trust in God, and counsels others...or maybe I will be a great singer and my testimony will touch somebody that way. I don't really know. All I can do is trust that whatever he has in store for me, will be the greatest thing I could ever have. I understand that great things don't always come easy. Some of the greatest things in life, requires great sacrifice. I'm learning to be self-LESS and to embrace others happiness. Even if it mean I have to sacrifice my own for a while.

This is from a new Christian...she is going through so much but I really believe she has something great in store.

I have had some great comments lately that have made me smile inside and out.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

"I don't believe I'm infertile, I just honestly think, God's time for me as a mother hasn't come yet. On the scale of eternity where time ceases to exist, I am a mother. In future, I am a mother. In this present time, I am waiting to be a mother."

This was a statement made by a fellow blogger, it inspired me - moved me! I just had to share it with you. I am going to make a list of the blogs I have recently been blessed to find. It is one thing to share this 'journey' with others, but it it is wonderful to share it with other women who are or have been where I am - BUT...to read Christian women who are on this road...moves me!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I had a rough weekend. Friday I woke up...got out of bed and spied an unused pregnancy test and thought hmm why not? I am addicted right?? So I pull out a cup and diddle in it and then drop the 4 drops in the peepee well. I watch it start to saturate the test window and of course that is when the dog started going crazy to go pee herself. So I took her out, grabbed a towel and washcloth for my shower and walked back in to the bathroom. I had forgot about the test...had been no more than 10 .. MAYBE 15 minutes. There is was on the side of the tub. I nearly fell when I picked it up and saw this...

I looked at it and didn't have to turn it, hold it up to the light, NOTHING...there were 2 lines there! Then I thought...whatever - I just went through this last month but it was after I left it for 1ish hours. There was no way it was even close to an hour. So I get in the shower, crying and praying that this was the real thing. I haven't had my period, but no symptoms. I would get giddy then literally pop myself in the forehead telling myself to STOP IT!!

This was all around 11 ( I know...it was a late morning sleep in ). I sit on it, I can't go anywhere so I can't get another test...so what do I do??? And so about 5 I call Scott and tell him and ask him to pick me up REAL tests from Wal-mart....and then sent him a pic of the test and he freaked too. He was so excited, he got home and we went through all the what ifs, all the ooo this is perfect timing and how good God is and we knew He would answer our prayers...then.

Then...I worked up some pee and took the 'real' test. NEGATIVE...not even a hint of a line. HOW??? I could barely breath, much less speak or type. My heart was broken, my sweet husband was broken as well. He hurt for me more than himself I think. I felt like I had failed him one more time, and wished I hadn't told him and snuck to get my own test later.

And yes, I did use the second test to retest with FMU, but it was a waste of tests! I will NEVER buy a dollar tree test again. This is the second time..actually the third time. The first was Easter almost 2 years ago.

I was inconsolable for 2 days, I tried to just brush it off but it is hard. That is my biggest problem is letting go of that hurt. I heard a song today that The sorrow is so deep, but God can soothe it. But, if I don't let it go....how can He? But, letting go of the pain of infertility is almost impossible. Everywhere I look there are children, pregnant women, some painful reminder that none of those things are part of my personal world. Snow is coming - benign thought to some...but all I can think of is how I won't be out playing with my child in it! I pray and wish and hope that I can let it go, but I can't. I admit it. Seems there is nothing that can release it.

I try and I have moved from hurt to anger when people say that my faith isn't strong enough, or I am not trusting God enough. It is hard not to tell them how I feel, but mostly I bite my tongue. I KNOW my God knows what He is doing, I know He can do anything - I don't doubt that He loves me and wants to make me happy - I just can't see His plan as clear as He sees it and that cloudiness leaves me with hope that MY plan is HIS plan.

All of this and then a friend who just had her second IUI got her beta back today and it was negative. My heart breaks for her, I talked to her as she was going in for her blood work and the hope in her voice was intoxicating. I think I wanted it to be positive almost as badly as she did. For that time following her blood draw I prayed and cried to God begging Him for her, and then she lets me know it is negative.

I don't understand. She is so faithful, her heart is so precious and she loves Him and is such a wonderful Christian woman...I don't understand why I haven't been blessed - but why Lord has she had to suffer this pain. I guess it goes to show that faith and trusting has nothing to do with this trial. They are ready to give up, I am praying they don't. The next step is injectables and I really feel this is what it is going to take. I hope they at least try once, but that is between them and God.

I was better today until I got her news, then I went to spend time with my mom and my cousin Lori and her/our family. It was what I needed. My new baby cousin was there, and he is sooo cute. I wish I had taken my camera.

I am ok, it is those random commercials of fathers and their child, or the threat of snow, or looking through a family album that can really get to me. Scott seems to know when that is too - he hears me sniffle or he just feels that little dagger too.

I am going to see a new doctor in February. I hope that even with my back problems that the doctor will go ahead with fertility treatments. I guess we will see.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I should probably reallllyreallly think before I post sometimes. I don't think sometimes that people really read this, and sooooo...

I was sitting in my party hat and my phone rings...Scott, I talk to him and then BEEEEEEP...hmm it is Leslie. I click over and there is my faithful friend...Hey..are you sick? Nooo I got a little cold and it is rainy and such...she pegged me right off the bat the stinker!

We got separated by husbands calling and she calls me back and we talk, laugh and though all day I passsed on some calls from family and such...I really thought I didn't want to talk to anyone, I can't pass on her. She is always the one to call, I suck as a friend and promise to make that better.

She always makes it ...whatever it is - better! Soo, pity party is over...sorry you didn't get any cake - haha. mmm I really would love some cake.

My mother called me after watching a sermon on TV and the verses escape me but she said I should write the things down that I want the Lord to bless me with and pray over them daily. The list is long, the years praying for them have been long.

I got news today from Brad and my mother that Cara is having a little girl. As of right now, she plans on naming her Ida Hope. Ida was my great grandmother...and it starts with an I...just like Illan. Hope...I guess that is obvious. I am touched needless to say, how special is it to have new life named after me! She will be the second actually, the first was a girl that I had never met before...she came into the lab and we had a connection and though I only met her once, it was intense and we prayed together and cried together...she later called me and told me that if her child was a girl...she was naming her after me. She had a girl and named her Ashton Hope.

It is raining outside...it is raining inside it feels. Truly detest days like these. Pity parties SUCK! I could write a million times God give me a baby and I have probably prayed it that many times...and He never answers, He never even says no...or am I clinging to the prayer, to that hope of a child so tightly that I can't hear Him say NO!?!

Go figure as soon as my cycles get normal I decide to temp and chart...and the very month that i decide to do that my cycles go bye bye again! I seriously thought God was letting my cycles be normal as a sign that I should start trying again. 18 days, I will be 39. I guess menopause is around the corner...at least then I will know the answer is NO ... not just NO but smack me in the face no baby in your belly ever NO!

That would almost be better than that ounce of hope that drives me insane...I am so insane.

My body sucks it has failed me in so many ways...ugh have I mentioned I hate days like this???

I have a great husband, wonderful friends, great family, I have a house and food and water...blessings are abundant. I guess I am greedy to ask for more.

*My hearts desire list...A childThe house we wantMy back to be healedScott to find a better job close to home

Saturday, January 05, 2008

This comment was worth a post, it is friends like this that get me through all the doubt and darkness.

Jami said...Hope~It will happen for you and Scott whether it is biological or not. God is just waiting for the right child that needs you. Just think, one day you will look into the eyes of a child and it will call you mom and you will think back of all the times that you got the BFNs and you prayed and prayed. Your dream will come true!Love you!Jami

I was talking to my friend Leslie last night, every time I talk to her it makes me miss her more. I loved hearing Colin in the background chattering away. His vocabulary amazes me! He isn't even 2 yet and wow. She is expecting number 2 in February and I really can't wait. She asked me to come a few months back and hell nor high water will keep me from that. I wanted to go anyways, but when she asked...made it that much sweeter. I can't believe it is already sooo close! Her and Burt are such good Christian parents, Scott and my role models if no WHEN we have a child! She told how even though she is a high risk pregnancy everything is great, prayers answered. It is such an exciting time, I wish I was right across the street again, one set of parents could have stayed with me...just things would be so different...wonderful. They are my single most regret of moving home, and some days it makes me look at job openings in Myrtle Beach for Scott...haha. I so wish.

AF isn't here dang it...and a 'few' BFN's to confirm the obvious. I have an appointment with a new gyno soon and hopefully things can improve and maybe go forward with medicated cycles. I just can't give up yet, so I guess...forward ho is our direction at the moment. It just sucks that my chart looked so flipping good, the temps were perfect and nada. Oh well, always next cycle huh? IF IT EVER COMES!

My resolutions so far have been mostly kept...not enough back sliding to say I broke them.

Daisy had a first, she slept with us last night....we have been having behaviour issues with her, aggressive with the cat...MAJOR and we were contemplating what to do. We bathed her and dried her and then did some training things and she just acted like a normal dog! She slept with us all night...not peeing anywhere and not being the DAZEy dog we have grown to know and love. This morning she went out to potty and came back in and has been sweet and other than driving the cat insane, things are better. Maybe we just had to show her who is boss!

Scott calls her Dazed and confused...haha

Life is a bit lighter, I am trying to accept things how they are now and make plans to change things sooner than later. My anger with God subsided, I was fussed at by a few...but I really feel like I can talk to Him and tell Him my frustrations and my sadness over unanswered prayers - or ones answered with a NO. Through all of this I feel like my faith is stronger, my relationship is better with Him...who could ask for more!

I got to spend time with Misti and Lily yesterday, gave her her birthday present....a piggy bank. She seemed to like it, she is so funny. We wrote on the chalk board and she can sign so many letters and words...probably more than she can speak. I would have to defer to Misti on some. It was good to see Misti and talk and just not feel the tension that has been there for a while. I love them!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I bought the tests last night before eating Chinese. SAD - I used one test in the restaurant. BFN...and still I said to myself all night...ohh it wasn't FMU, it still could be wrong. I can make myself cling to nothing - actually something I KNOW is not happening and let my heart break a little more. Sucks Sucks Sucks!

So yeah, I wake up around 5 this morning my temp took a leap and my heart pounded...I peed on that stick and sat there with my blurry eyes, trying to will a line to show up. None did...well, except for the control lines of course. It wasn't that I really expected a BFP, but so many negative things have happened lately that I though, I hoped that this would be that one thing that trumped every bad thing that has happened. Wrong.

Then I did my devotion this morning..crossroads. My friend has accepted her crossroad and that the straight lane has ended, in 2 weeks she will turn left or right. I want that definitive decision. I want God to tell me that He wants me to get off this road I have been on for 15+ years and just accept that I need to turn right or left! I am not one of those Christian women who are tuned in or can read the signs easily...I need a big ole Neon sign saying HELLO HOPE...YA NEED TO TURN AROUND, TURN RIGHT, TURN LEFT...something. I guess I am slow.

So all day, I walk into the bathroom - and you know you do it too if you have ever taken a pregnancy test - and picked the test up from the trash and turn it 10 ways to Sunday and nothing. All day, I walk back into my bedroom and fall on my knees praying for some answer...left or right God...left or right??? Left...give up completely, Right...adoption or foster care. Come on God...You know I have to hear it, see it plain as day. Do I stay on the road before me...do I do it for one more year like we planned? I am tired, I am so weary. Every bfn chips away at my soul and as much as I hate to admit it...my faith, my core belief that my God is good. Does that make me horrible to say that? Makes me feel horrible I can tell you that.

I heard this song today and it makes me feel renewed to think like this...

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Her and I were chatting on Yahoo and I sent her a link to this blog that has links to hundreds of other blogs and out of those hundreds....God sent us to the same one!

KARI: we had the most heartfelt three hour lunch i think i've ever had.the four of us...perfect strangers...reaching out to each other in an effort to help.she had undergone an IUI the very day before on Saturday, yet, she ended up ministering to me in ways she'll probably never understand. i was so amped on talking her through the ropes...giving her advice...pumping her up with stats...high-fiving her on giving herself shots...telling her all the ways she could better evaluate her physical condition...

....and it became painfully evident to me -- she simply didnt need it........her heart was as still, and crystal-clear as a placid lake at sunrise.she had it.she not only had it....she owned it.His peace.she had allowed herself to be captured by His everlasting peace...

KARI: ...and i was captivated by her...or God in her...this freak thing that was going on with her...she was a boisterous, energetic, fun, outgoing, adorable 29-year old girl....yet in the weirdest way i've ever seen...perfectly quiet at the same time. her brain....was quiet. her heart....was still. her soul....was...at....rest....

...and my heart ached instantly for all of it...HOPE: oh my gosh I am sitting here reading the same blog....bawling! KARI: CHILLSKARI: out of 200 choices for blogs how did we end up on the same oneHOPE: I can feel how her mind is going crazy and how fast she probably typed all of that...raw, it is just wow....and for us to be on the exact same one OH wow....i love you!KARI: i want what she hasKARI: that peaceKARI: how do you find itKARI: how do you get itKARI: how do you receive itKARI: i just dont understandHOPE: I dont' even know how to ask for it...i feel so .... so much I can't give it a wordHOPE: I have to read this again and again and mabye something will click, something will give way to the peace I want, and if you find it first send me the map!KARI: LOLKARI: girl i have been seeking for so longKARI: and i am no where near itKARI: ive tried so many different approaches and at this point I am contenplating acceptance of a neverending hunger/desire just to move onKARI: ....and i was fully dumb-founded. so deeply grateful for her witness....yet feeling so vile for the emotional freakshow i've put on over the last 9mths. my endless kicking and screaming and STRAIN and discontentment and finger-pointing at God. when i could have just as easily traded it all in....for what she has. what on earth was i thinking. it's MINE already...but i locked it out. i stiff-armed it all away. and i was left with the raging storm in my heart...and the endlessly choppy waters....and the black skies....

HOPE: I know what you mean, feel every word you just said....and sometimes I think I am on the edge of it...almost there and is it God letting me cling to hope, is it the devil saying I have to keep on trying....UGHKARI: i "know" this is trueKARI: i "know" that peace is mineKARI: i just can't seem to figure out how to grab hold of itKARI: I didn't say it... it is her blog, a quoteHOPE: this girl kills me...oh wow, I am leaving her a message...I don't know how to grab it either, I think I am getting there....then SMACK...I get eggwhite CM and I think oooo a sign..*rolling my eyes*KARI: I KNOOOOOOOWWWKARI: ugh!!KARI: i start to feel like i am gaining control, and then smack + OPK and hope of another IUI BFPKARI: sighHOPE: I know, I read her blog and I feel like such a failure at faith in a way....I don't know how to really explain it. HOPE: I had peace...I had it, I was wrapped as tight as anyone ever has been...it was about my surgeries and that things were going to be ok...but when that all hasn't happened in MY timeframe....that peace slipped away little by little until I feel like this pit is foreverKARI: it is so hard though to stay encouraged when you can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnelKARI: there is no "answer" in sightKARI: it is so hard to trustKARI: i know that is terrible and i know we both "trust"KARI: but to let go and trustKARI: that is so hardKARI: at least for me it isHOPE: That is what I told Scott today....it is hard to pray and to have faith when the answer always seems to be no, this last year everything seems to be no...it is like why keep praying and asking and then feeling let down. HOPE: and I know we have to pray we have to be faithful but it is hard some daysKARI: i hear yaKARI: i wonder when you give upKARI: like you said...KARI: so many nos, when do you just throw your hands up and admit defeat?HOPE: SIGHHOPE: the death was actually mine...a painful dying of my will...i could have learned faster...i could have cried 'uncle' sooner...but my CONTROL just wouldn't give way. so some deaths are slower than others...and sometimes we choose our torture. but under His watch -- we will all eventually die to self.

HOPE: THIS is what I have to do....give up MY control ugh....easier to copy and paste than to do it that is for sure!KARI: "but each Christ follower (if you'd consider me that all along) has the day when they experience the depth and agony found during a crisis of faith. a crossroads. a decision.

will i hinge my devotion...on winning my way?can i say thank you...while losing everything?will i believe what i cannot feel?

will i surrender...even though, only a fool would go on fighting a war...when all of his weapons have been stripped of him"KARI: "it took 46 months for me to realize, surrender isn't really a choice.take away my swords and shields and strength...

...and my options are pretty limited.i had met my match.to say i had lost control puts it too simply. it sounds so elementary.but control is all i've ever had.and so my loss is infinite. bottomless. consuming.

almost as deep as my loss of fertility."KARI: i am speachlessKARI: "my fight had become a cosmic battle of control.the baby was secondary.though the baby was the catalyst.

....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger...."

HOPE: wowKARI: wowKARI: double wowHOPE: lol she has one post called the Grand Diva...gonna read it right quick...why haven't I seen this blog before dang it???HOPE: ohh not a post....a blogger looks like a grandmotherKARI: chills againKARI: "i pulled out my journal this morning and at the top, as i do every morning, wrote the date.December 31, 2007day #365 of 365.praise the LORD, i exhaled.

but the devotional led me to I Peter 5:10 --And the God of all grace,who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,after you have suffered a little while,will himself restore youand make you strong,firm andsteadfast.

....though we suffer....He is all grace.He is all glory."

HOPE: :(HOPE: so while i don't necessarily mourn God's plan and His perfect love for us....i realized that i still fully mourn the loss of human hope and expectation.HOPE: and besides writing like she does.....she is beautiful! dang it I hoped she was a hag in a way...lol jk!KARI: LOLKARI: r u looking at the hair cut pics?HOPE: lol yesHOPE: dang it quit following meKARI: stop following me!HOPE: ROFLKARI: ewwwwwww, weird!!!HOPE: you have to be like over my shoulder seeing what I typeKARI: too funny!!!KARI: i think god wrote this blog just for u and iHOPE: oh my gosh....have you started on my plug of the day yet???? I think she was in my bathroom tonight when Scott and I had this discussionHOPE: am gonna add that sermon to my favs and listen tomorrow...sighKARI: well it was good having a cry with you!KARI: Im going to go back there when im not so tiredHOPE: Kari...thank you...for being there, for always being there when I need you....I know it is God putting you there, but thank you for being there!KARI: my pleasure, reallyHOPE: have a great night...you will be in my prayers tomorrow...

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Resolutions made, day one almost over...so far so good - you know, one day at a time.

Last year ended with a bang, the whole year really has been filled with disappointments, pain and just a lot of no's for answers, a lot of distance between me and those I love for various reasons...just one of the most sad years of mine and Scott's lives. Something we wanted badly...there has been a lot of things we want badly, but this one felt pretty sure it was going to happen and quick as a flash it was out of our reach within a flash.

It just makes me wonder why, ask God WHY? It makes me want to just give up, give in and not pray for anything I desire, not even ask. If I don't pray for it...ask for it, when it doesn't happen then maybe the let down won't be so dramatic...ya think?

So today we talked about how angry I am about last year, all the disappointments and how the disappointments are bad enough, but being a Christian...trusting in Him to answer my prayers...I am disappointed in Him as well....yuck, feels even worse to write it than it did when I said it earlier.

I caught myself several times today to start to pray and then stopped. I reminded myself I was ticked off at God and to get back at him I am gonna not pray today...yeah gonna teach God to say no to my prayers. How stupid do I sound????? DON"T ANSWER! But, as much as that is embarrassing to say...it is how I was from last night until about 2 hours ago. I got it all out at about 3ish today. Scott had to carry the bulk of it...well, maybe not. I yelled at God, I told Him that I just don't' get why everything I ask for...everything I pray for He says NO or doesn't seem to answer at all. I felt a little better getting it off my chest.

Then I saw Kari post that tomorrow she is going for her 2ndIUI...I didn't know that until then, and immediately my eyes welled up and I closed them and started to pray...halfway into that prayer I stopped abruptly and said...ohh no YOU don't...am not praying for something when all I get is a big ole no! I wasn't gonna be the reason Kari didn't get her BFP! I sucked up my tears and posted to her that I hoped that she would have a good day, that she would be in my thoughts. Didn't say I would pray for her....oooo I am horrible! I can't believe that I am putting this out here.

Well, the strangest thing happened. Kari got on Yahoo and we chatted a few minutes and then I sent her a link for this blog that has a gazillion links to other IF blogs - of allll types. I sent her that link and then I went there to see what was new and clicked on a blog link...one of a gazillion I tell you!

I start reading, start crying, start feeling that Holy Spirit tap me on the shoulder and tell me He was here, God was here and He never left me and even when I was being a brat....He knew my heart...and it was my mind and anger talking - YELLING at Him. So I read on, feeling every word this blogger had typed, conviction over things I had felt...but was so overwhelmed by the peace she found in someone else. I get almost to the end of a paragraph and Kari sends me a message on Yahoo...

kari: we had the most heartfelt three hour lunch i think i've ever had.the four of us...perfect strangers...reaching out to each other in an effort to help.she had undergone an IUI the very day before on Saturday, yet, she ended up ministering to me in ways she'll probably never understand. i was so amped on talking her through the ropes...giving her advice...pumping her up with stats...high-fiving her on giving herself shots...telling her all the ways she could better evaluate her physical condition.......and it became painfully evident to me -- she simply didnt need it........her heart was as still, and crystal-clear as a placid lake at sunrise. she had it.she not only had it....she owned it. His peace.she had allowed herself to be captured by His everlasting peace...kari: ...and i was captivated by her...or God in her...this freak thing that was going on with her...she was a boisterous, energetic, fun, outgoing, adorable 29-year old girl....yet in the weirdest way i've ever seen...perfectly quiet at the same time. her brain....was quiet. her heart....was still. her soul....was...at....rest.......and my heart ached instantly for all of it...

OH MY GOODNESS...out of all the blogs listed on that page, she was reading the same one I was...and feeling the same things I was...chills not only from the bloggers talented heart wrenching post, but that God put us there at the same time...do do do do....

I will post our convo about that blog on another post, but during all of my reading then Kari posting to me...whatever I lost today, last night...whatever skewed outlook I made my own the past 24 hours...dissipated and my face hit the pillow with tears flowing and prayers begging for forgiveness, apologizing and feeling the heaviness I had carried just go away. God is good even when I am a bitter evil brat! Needless to say...Kari was the next prayer prayed.

I started this post way before I read this blog, just in case you wonder why the top part and the bottom part seems to be from two different people. I guess it sort of was...the bitter brat is taking a nap!

I have a lot of expectations of this year, I am claiming it as Scott and my year for good things. Just because we get a no, it doesn't mean that there isn't something else God has in store for us. I read somewhere that sometimes God lets us hurt before he heals. I am ready for the healing to begin! AMEN!