2. Wolverine Beatdown, Part IIBecause seeing it once just isn’t enough.

3. I was talking to the hairy, smelly dude in blue. No, the other one!

And yet, not once during the whole story does Kirk seize the moment to turn to Cyclops and say, “Beam me up, Scotty.” Alas.

4. On the good ship Enterpoop

This one might take some explaining for the younger crowd. Back in the ’80s, there was a comic strip called Bloom County that starred Opus the Penguin and his furry pals; most of their adventures involved a dash of political or social satire, but occasionally they pretended to be crew members of the Starship Enterpoop (with their wheelchair-using friend, Cutter John, acting as their mode of transport). This scene is one of many hallucinations experienced by the Enterprise crew after a telepathic crew member contracts a rare disease that makes him involuntarily project images into other peoples’ minds.

5. They say this cat Kirk is a bad mother– shut your mouth!

Oh, all right, if you must know: In this story, Kirk is accused of accepting bribes to protect illegal mining operations on a far-off planet. While his crew looks for proof of Kirk’s innocence, he undergoes surgery to look like a native of the planet. I guess an Afro was the best way for a middle-aged white guy to look inconspicuous back when this story was published, in 1974.

6. To echo William Shatner from his infamous Saturday Night Live sketch: “Get a life!”

In this story, Q and Trelane play a little game in which Kirk is placed on Picard’s Enterprise and vice versa, with their two crews none the wiser. The purpose? To determine once and for all who is the better captain: the brash and headstrong Kirk, or the more conciliatory and cerebral Picard. Picard’s words are directed at the two omnipotent beings, but it’s not hard to imagine the writer speaking directly to all Trek fans who have taken part in the same useless argument over the years. (Besides, Sisko rules over all. End. Of. Discussion.)

7. “Och, lassie, stop yer bawlin’. Ye shoulda seen the proper spankin’ I gave this one wee bairn back in Glasgow when he spilled muh Scotch on muh best red shirt.”

It’s disconcerting to realize the ball and chain appearing out of nowhere is the least effed-up part of this image.

8. For maximum effect, shake your monitor, laptop or tablet while viewing the following image.

It sure was nice of the writer of this story to help out anyone looking to compile a quick list of every clichéd piece of Star Trek dialogue ever written.

9. I think the guys behind this cover might be comic book fans. Just a hunch.

I think the most unbelievable part of this image is the “apprehended” sticker slapped over Sisko’s mugshot. Of all the Trek captains, he strikes me as the one least likely to allow himself to be taken alive.

10. So I told her, “Let me introduce you to my little engineer,” and she thought I meant something different. Women, amiright?

The most unsettling thing about this panel isn’t imagining which parts of mini-Scotty are “poppin'” out of whatever he’s wearing; it’s the fact that Spock, of all people, is ha-ha-ha-ing at the scene before him. Did the writer of this story even watch the frickin’ show…?

11. Now that we’ve conquered you, take us to all those pens that shine the bright red lights. Also: yarn. Lots and lots of yarn.

To be fair, this is a scene from a two-part story by frequent Trek writer Diane Duane that’s supposed to be over-the-top; anyone who’s ever seen The Mouse That Roared will get what’s going on here. Seriously, check out Star Trek #24-25 from the first DC run — it’s worth the search.

12. Dracula in space. Sure, why the hell not?

And the mystery behind why Marvel’s first stab at a Star Trek series lasted only 18 issues is finally solved.

13. Do I want to know why a bacteria-killing ray bath causes spontaneous merriment and jazz hands among the crew?