Author
Topic: Looking for a few good puns (Read 11503 times)

I'm talking real groaners to torture my co-workers with. No blonde jokes or the like. I've heard that the "getting" of a pun is a sign of above-average intelligence and since I assume most of you fellows and fellowettes are of that ilk, Puns Ahoy!! May I begin?...

A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a snide look and says "We don't serve your kind here!" and tosses him out the door. The piece of rope gets up, dusts himself off and walks back in, cheerfully ordering a beer. The bartender again tosses him out with the same remark. This time, the piece of rope gets up, doubles himself into a loop-and-a-half and frizzes out his hair before walking back into the bar and again ordering a beer. The bartender gives him another look of disdain and says "Hey, aren't you the piece of rope I just kicked out of here twice?". "No sir," replies the rope, "I'm afraid not!"

Viking Warlord Sven the Black (STB) was sitting with his wife Helga, on the night before the big raid. After a knock on the door, his friend Rudolf the Red (RTR) walks in. "Let's say we call over some friends, and get a party together," suggests RTR.

"Are you nuts?" asks STB, "We've got a big raid tomorrow, early to bed and lots of sleep for all the crew tonight."

"The raid will be canceled on account of the heavy rains, let's drink," replies RTR.

"Dude, I just checked the weather, tomorrow will be clear and sunny, we're going on a raid!" argued STB."Nope, big downpour, I'm sure of it," retored RTR.STB started in again "But.."

In ancient Rome there was a farmer named Marius Agricola who was famous for growing the finest strawberries in the Empire. One morning he went into his garden and was amazed to see a strawberry that had grown to be twelve feet in girth! After making sacrifice in honor of the gods who gave him such a gift, he called all the townsfolk to come and admire this miraculous fruit.

All who saw this berry loudly praised both the fruit and the farmer, for both had obviously received the blessing of the gods.

But the farmer's happiness was destined to be short lived, for news soon reached the jealous Emperor Nero, who immediately put into action steps to claim the giant strawberry as his own. A dozen Praetorian Guards were quickly dispatched.

When they arrived at the hapless farmer's house, the trembling man politely enquired as to the purpose of their visit to his humble home.

With a sneer, the Captain of the guard stepped forth and proclaimed in a loud voice:

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

21. Did you hear the one about the vulture at the airport? He tried to take two dead possums on the plane but the gate agent told him he was only allowed one carrion item.

22. Have you heard about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stays up all night pondering whether there is a dog.

23. One of the main objections to windmill farms is that birds flying through them are likely to be killed. They become shredded tweet.

24. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

25. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

26. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

27. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

28. She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

29. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

30. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

32. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.