Lay’s potato chips has a history of coming up with strange flavors, almost as if they know that coming up with strange flavors of your product an easy way to get accidentally free advertising from our site. (Our promotional staff is very bad about getting us paid from the companies whose products we inadvertently give free advertising to.) Well, we might be a bit late to the party, but this summer they decided to do it again, coming up with eight regional specific potato chip flavors, because why have people vote for three different novelty flavored potato chips when you know our fat asses will have no qualms about going out and buying eight bags of chips that probably taste, at best, fine.

Anyway, we decided to list out these chips for you and rank them, based on how good we imagine they taste. Yes, that’s right, we’re not even going to go out and buy them, even though we are completely able to do so, but fuck it, Lay’s didn’t respond to our email request to “please send the potato chips, and some whiskey, do you guys make whiskey too?” so fuck it. This is going to be a very phoned in effort!

Just about everyone has at least heard of Madame Tussauds—it’s pretty much the gold standard for wax sculptor museums in the world. The original location in London opened in 1835, but dozens of satellite museums have sprung up all over the world during the 180 years of its existence. Now just because something is famous doesn’t mean it’s “necessary.” If we’re being completely honest, wax sculpture museums are very creepy and uncanny valley even at their best.

Which brings us to Louis Tussaud, Marie Tussad’s great-grandson who took up the family business and…well, his legacy is less than exciting. The Louis Tussaud’s Waxwork Museum located in Grand Yarmouth, for example, was called the “world’s worst waxwork museum” before it closed in 2012. His other locations aren’t that much better. So, um, strap in we guess, because we looked through some of the offerings of the Niagara Falls location of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks, and what we found…well it’s not great. It’s very not great.

As red-blooded, coal-chewing, ripping-still-beating-hearts-out-of-deer’s-chests-and-biting-into-our-kill Americans, we usually have more important things to do than “read books.” Fuller House isn’t going to binge-watch itself, you know? That said, on occasion, we have found books so insane, so purely ridiculous, that we’ve felt like it’s been our duty to review it for the masses. We’ve talked about DNA Nannies, a 1943 pamphlet from the War Department about employing women, the cringe-worthy pick-up artist guide Smooth Talking, and, of course, Kill All the Belgians. We’ve set the bar pretty high in terms of “how ridiculous does a book have to be to catch our attention” and, well, Americans, let us tell you. That bar has been passed by Martha M. Christy.

“Why, hell, they were trying, damn right. Hell, better hitters than them couldn’t hit me. Why should they’ve been any different?”

~Jackie Mitchell, Throwing Shade at Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

In every way, outside of the action on the field for like 95% of games, baseball is the most exciting American sport. Well, that might not be true, but the history of baseball is definitely more fascinating than the history of any other sport. At least it’s fascinating to us. We’ve got an entire section of all the crazy hijinks that happened in early American baseball history. So why did it take us this long to talk about the teenage girl that struck out two of the best batters of all time? Well, because it happened forever ago, sorry, we’re not all-knowing wizards with encyclopedic knowledge of every single instance of American lore, or at least we recognize that we aren’t when we’re mostly sober.

But yes! Jackie Mitchell, when she was just seventeen years of age, somehow managed to strike out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. That’s a thing that happened. And we’re going to have to talk about it.

Jackie Mitchell: The Seventeen-Year-Old Girl Who (Probably Legitimately) (Shut Up Let Us Have This) Struck Out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

We’re finally there, everyone. It’s been weeks, months (not months), years even (no, not years, stop it), and we’ve posted 14 previous articles, all of which dare to ask “what if we were to tell you who is the best President, among Presidents who are not real?” and we did it. We really did it. We melted our minds in the process, but it’s done, and here is the one list you were truly waiting for. The 10 best fictional Presidents in film history. Are you ready? We’ve been ready every since we started this crazy thing. Thanks for humoring us. Here are your best Presidents.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#10-1—Our Greatest Fictional Presidents)

We’ve done this 13 times already, so what’s one more? You are mired, trapped even, in a series of articles where we take every single President who has ever appeared in a movie, remove all the real ones, and then mix up what we have left to determine who was the best and who was the worst in terms of overall job performance. It’s been forever. You’ve had major life events come and pass since we started this series. You’re almost free. We’re almost free. Let’s talk about some goddamn fake American heroes.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#20-11—The World Savers)

“Here’s a Story. Of a messed up movie. Where Mike Brady somehow became the President.”

~The Theme of The Brady Bunch in the White House, We Assume

You have stuck with us for so long, and we’re honestly pretty impressed. When we decided we were going to rate every single fake President, we didn’t realize how much work it would be. It was so much work. And we know it’s been a lot of work for you. But we’re almost there. We promise. Here are more Presidents, and holy shit, why is The Brady Bunch here?

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

“Apparently you don’t get dinged for having the world end on your watch if you die in the movie.”

~Danny Glover in 2012

Are you tired of these intros yet? We’re kind of tired of these intros. This series has been going on every day for the past two and a half weeks, which is a lot. You’ve been like, “Where’s our AFFotD about beer? Or like, beer that’s made with chocolate? Or like, ‘Man, snickers are crazy, are there any weird flavors of snickers?’”

But instead you’ve had to go through just, list after list of President who has never even existed. We understand your pain, but we’re too far along to stop now. HERE ARE MORE PRESIDENTS! NONE OF THEM HAD ANY IMPACT ON HISTORY!

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#54-31—Doomed Heroes and General Good Guys)

Welcome to a series of articles with so manyentries that we’re not even bothering to count them. This is, what, the tenth one of these? That sounds right, ballpark at least? Anyway, we decided (thanks, Jack Daniels and a surprise divorce) that we should find every single fictional president who has been portrayed in a movie, and decide which one of those was the best at presidenting. And THEN we decided we should arbitrarily rank each president against each other, for reasons that don’t sound quite as compelling now that we’ve sobered up. So if this is the first article in this series you’ve come across because you Googled “Gregory Peck President” then, well, we honestly don’t know if you are our prime demographic or not. Just keep in mind that all these fancy links at the beginning of this paragraphs link to previous entries to our latest series in which we, and maybe you already know where we’re going with this, because we literally just said it, rank every fictional movie President arbitrarily. We’re now getting to our better fake Presidents, the ones who stand tall and stay strong, no matter how much things fall apart around them.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#50-41—Strong During a Crisis)

~Literally everyone’s first question when they heard about this series of articles

Get excited, folks. We’re finallyat thepointin ourlistingofeveryfictionalPresident where we can talk about the classic Sinbad film, First Kid. It’s moments like these that really make everything worthwhile. If you don’t know or care about First Kid, well tough shit, this isn’t about you. It’s about Presidents. Specifically, fictional Presidents from movies that we decided to exhaustively rank for some reason we no longer remember. Were we drunk? Sorry, silly question, we meant to ask if we were absinthe drunk. Because this whole article series feels like it would have wormwood to blame.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#60-51—Presidential Dads! And Others!)