Mintz: A modest tax proposal: End payroll taxes, hire IRS goons and bring back the guillotine

By Evan Mintz

October 11, 2017Updated: October 11, 2017 6:45pm

At a certain point, you've got to admit that the Republican Party has some massive huevos. How do you write a tax plan that raises taxes on 95 percent of Texas homeowners, gives a billion-dollar tax cut to Donald Trump and adds trillions to the national debt? Policy aside, that's just impressive.

Not everyone shares this sense of awe. Expect to see protesters lining up today around congressional offices as part of a national "Not One Penny" rally, demanding that elected officials pledge not to give a single cent in tax cuts to the wealthiest corporations or individuals.

But something is missing from these protests: an alternative. What would tax reform look like that prioritizes the working-class ahead of the ultra-rich? Consider this a modest proposal, which, like the current tax plan in Washington, should not be taken seriously:

End payroll taxes

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We put taxes on things that people want to go away, such as cigarettes, alcohol and toll road traffic during rush hour. The power to tax is the power to destroy, as any good American knows from reading their McCulloch v. Maryland.

So why do we tax paychecks?

If the government wants to give a boost to jobs, then we should eliminate the payroll tax and just start paying for Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security out of general revenues. Let's tax wealth, not work.

Simplify tax brackets

As someone who routinely flies Southwest, filing taxes feels all too much like flying United. Instead of three easy boarding groups (A, B and C), there are five different lines and they don't even get on the plane in a regular order. Does 2 go before 1 but after 5? Who knows?

If you get in the wrong lane, will United have security beat you up and drag you off the plane? Probably.

Taxes are even more complicated. There are seven different brackets. Under my plan, we'll cut this down to size and replace the whole thing with just one, single easy bracket. All income over $200,000 will be taxed at 95 percent.

Change the way we treat investment income

The easiest way to save money on your taxes is to not work. Americans who earn money from investments instead of a job get to pay lower rates. Let's level the playing field between the idle rich and normal people by treating all money the same. However, as an extra leveler, all working-age Americans who earn a majority of their money from investments have to write "Labor Makes; Wall Street Takes" at the top of their tax returns. Within the next three months, IRS-hired goons will then schedule an appointment either at home or a place of employment to deliver a government-sponsored wedgie. Not only will this encourage the flow of capital into paychecks instead of into Wall Street, but it will also provide a much-needed boost to America's flagging goon-related labor markets.

Repeal and replace the estate tax

Consider this a classic bit of congressional horse-trading. Right-wing politicians want to get rid of the estate tax, which levies a tax on any inheritance dollars over $5.5 million - or $11 million for a married couple. This only helps the exorbitantly wealthy ensure that their kids, grandkids and great-grandkids never have to work a day in their lives. That's why some 400 of the richest families have funded a lobbying campaign to end the tax, which they've deemed the "Death Tax." Sounds scary.

Left-wing politicians, on the other hand, think the accumulation of wealth into the hands of the few will perpetuate a state of permanent aristocracy that will use its power to promote its own self-interest at the expense of everyone else. As if that could ever happen.

So here's the compromise: We eliminate the estate tax, like one side wants, but instead replace it with a guillotine. Anyone passing along more than $5.5 million will have their heirs beheaded. Not only will the prevent the rise of an concentrated aristocracy - guillotines being their historic weakness - but it will also encourage rich families to pour their money into charities and the economy. Everybody wins.

Modernize the mortgage-interest deduction

In theory, the mortgage-interest deduction is supposed to help blunt the cost of owning a home. In reality, this deduction is mostly used by wealthy folks who don't need any help, and is often exploited by people buying their second, third or fourth homes.

This deduction will be capped to mortgages less than $500,000 and only on primary homesteads. However, there is an exception for vacation homes if the owner holds rockin' pool parties for the whole neighborhood. I'm talking pizza, beer and some dude doing a cannonball off the roof and into the pool. The local IRS office must also be invited.

New tax credits for subscribing to a newspaper

Just buy up a subscription or two. Please, my last paycheck bounced. They make us pay for coffee in the office and I've been reselling the free issues from the Chronicle cafeteria for spare cash. For the love of God, help me out here.