Category Archives: club

This article is strictly for women only (unless you’re a homosexual who might like to benefit from this) and it concerns the Sleazeballs of Nightclubs. Sleazeball is another term for a clubber – usually a man – who somehow manages to wreck your clubbing night. I’m sure every girl who has been to a club has encountered the Sleazeball, who comes in many forms.

First you have the Touchy-Feely Sleazeball, who is among the most common. A perfect scenario is where you’re dancing with your friends to a great track that you haven’t heard in months (sometimes years, considering how rubbish club music is these days) when you suddenly feel (usually sweaty) hands worm their way round your waist from behind and a waft of body odour finding its way into your nostrils. You spin round and there is the Touchy-Feely Sleazeball grinning inanely at you, as though you are actually enjoying being gripped and suffocated by him and his deadly smells. It isn’t long (maybe a millisecond) before the Touchy-Feely Sleazeball tries his luck by groping you like a clumsy teenager and, of course, this is the perfect moment for him to receive a swift kick in the groin. An avoidance strategy may be to always position a friend to dance behind you (acting as bodyguard) so that the dim-witted Touchy-Feely Sleazeball has no chance to pounce; or if you have no friend to protect you, simply dance with your back facing the wall. The Touchy-Feely Sleazeball is the worst kind in my opinion because he creeps up behind you with no warning. Very slimy indeed.

Next we have the Talkative Sleazeball – the Talkative Sleazeball ranges between the desperate middle-aged to the young Touchy-Feelys, who have somehow miraculously realized that their hands-on technique isn’t working. The Talkative Sleazeball is usually lingering around the bar, waiting for his prey. Upon spotting you, he will engage in pleasant conversation, offering to buy you a drink, asking where you’re from, how old you are, etc. etc. He will act as though he is extremely interested in everything you have to say before he strikes – first comes the attempt to kiss you (which, for some of the more unfortunate drunken ladies, he sometimes succeeds at) before heendeavoursto gropeyour buttocks. At this point, shake yourself free and say “Oh! I’ve just spotted my friend, I’ll be back in two minutes!” Then never return and make sure you don’t bump into him for the rest of the night. He will wait for you for a good half hour (he is, after all, desperate) but will soon tire and may even realize you’re not coming back, and he will then move on to his next victim. A good avoidance strategy: don’t talk to strangers.

Then comes the Creepy Sleazeball. The Creepy Sleazeball will do nothing but stand by the wall and STARE at you all night. He doesn’t even seem to blink. He will stare and stare and wherever you go, he will follow, his wide staring eyes practically popping from his head. It is very uncomfortable to have a Creepy Sleazeball stalking you around, so the best strategy for this is to tell the bouncer that he is frightening you and have him thrown out. As bouncers are usually quite keen to appear as knights in shining armour for girls, he’s most likely to oblige, and you can continue having a good night out without this particular Sleazeball’s eyes boring into your back.

Fourth is the Cheating Sleazeball. Cheating Sleazeballs always have girlfriends (who are actually there with them) but will dance with you and talk with you as though they are single. He is usually attractive and sweet-talking. Of course, the crunch comes when the girlfriend storms over and the drama starts. Best to get out of there quick, I say. It is quite easy to spot the Cheating Sleazeball because he will be goodlooking, appear to be on his own, and not have the deranged, desperate look of the others. A variant of the Cheating Sleazeball is the Sleazeball Player. The Sleazeball Player IS actually single and will dance and talk with you for a good while, just like the Cheating Sleazeball, but when you’ve come back with the drinks you will find him swaying and grinding on the dancefloor with another girl. Takes the mickey a bit, doesn’t it? The best way to avoid them is to understand one thing – if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

Next is the Bouncer Sleazeball – Bouncer Sleazeballs are not as common because they are guarding the club, rather than being in it, though they do exist as I had the misfortune to experience once. You go out for a night with your friendsand then, with horror, you realize you’ve forgotten your ID. So you plead with the bouncer at the door and, thankfully, he’s kind enough to let you in because he thinks you’re somewhat cute. Feeling rather pleased with yourself, you enter the club and plan on having a good time. Of course you hadn’t counted on the Bouncer following you around, materializing beside you every twenty minutes to make sure you’re still grateful to him and that you’re not dancing with anyone else. It is at this point that you wish you’d been turned away at the door. It doesn’t help that earlier on you foolishly gave the Bouncer Sleazeball your number and he now thinks you’re his girlfriend, his wifey, the one he wants to settle down with for the rest of his life, and for days afterwards you receive phone calls from him, asking you when he’s going to be allowed to cook that Caribbean food he promised for you. It is hard to get away from the Bouncer Sleazeball while in the club because he is watching your every move and throwing out any other man who may dare speak to you. I suppose the best avoidance strategy is this – NEVER forget your ID!

The Drunken Sleazeball is perhaps among the most annoying of all Sleazeballs; the Drunken Sleazeball is so intoxicated he can barely walk. His breath smells like a rotting corpse and he will constantly tell you that you look like Britney Spears in his barely-comprehensible drunken monologue. The Drunken Sleazeball will attempt to follow you around but the great part is that he’s so drunk that you can lose him quite easily, and he’ll probably pass out at any rate. Avoidance strategy: don’t talk to anyone with bloodshot eyes who you can smell from five miles away, or someone who turns round and slurs “Oi, you know what, you look like that girl, what’s her name, you know the fit one, the one from that film, yeah you know the one…what’s your number anyway?”

So there we have it. The main Sleazeballs in clubs which every girl has to avoid. Of course, it is difficult to find a half-way decent guy considering how alcohol and desperation is rife in clubs, but they do still exist! I’m sure there are more Sleazeballs that I have forgotten but for now, keep an eye out for the ones stated here, the most lethal of them all. Follow the avoidance strategies and your night should never be blighted again!