Amish

The leader of Whittington’s Amish community and chair of the so-called Green Party’s Lichfield branch, Bishop Rob-Boy Pass has backed calls for the Boundary Commission to rethink plans to move Whittington into the Tamworth constituency.

“I agree with everything that Fabricant says”

Bishop Pass, 15, who stood for the Amish Greens at the last general election, said:

‘The plan to remove Whittington from the Lichfield constituency is mindless and insensitive. Our community has historic connections with Lichfield. For example, our Church is often visited by venerable theologians who walk over from their new apartments at the Lichfield Friary. On market days our men folk will walk their livestock from the homestead to Lichfield, along the ancient byways connecting our communities, to be slaughtered by Walter Smith.’

He added:

‘This proposed change would sever a link that goes back centuries and break apart a long-standing commune.’

The Boundary Commission proposal to ditch Whittington and Streethay were originally described by Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant as “excellent”. However, having had an opportunity to review the options during the consultation period, he said:

‘Now that HS2 has received the Royal Assent continued resistance from constituents in Whittington and Streethay should now subside. Whilst I would welcome the removal of the Mad Monk’s commune from my kingdom, many residents of Whittington and Streehay remain sycophantic followers of my Twitter account.’

Michael Fabricant removes parts of Rob-Boy’s Tree House

Mr Fabricant and his representative on Earth, the holy Jonathan Hall, recently attended a meeting with the Boundary Commission. The MP explained:

‘Our proposal was to retain the Conservative voting Whittington and Streethay in exchange for Burntwood and North Lichfield, home of the Dimblites. This makes perfect sense as they are already beyond the Wall and are of no interest to me anyway.’

Burntwood Labour counsellor Sue Norman commented:

‘For once I find myself in agreement with Michael Fabricant, good riddance.

As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.

Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.

Rob said:

‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’

The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:

‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’

Simon Partridge

The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:

Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”

Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant

Inheritance tax – 100%

Cars – banned

Foreign holidays – banned

Imports – banned

The sex industry- compulsory.

Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.

Independent schools – banned.

Religious instruction – banned.

Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.

Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk

Advertising – banned.

International sporting fixtures – banned.

New airports – banned.

New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.

Helicopters – banned.

Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure

Breastfeeding in public – compulsory

Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary

As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.

The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing

During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:

‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’

‘Words of wisdom, Lloyd my man. Words of wisdom.’

Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:

‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’

‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.

Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com