SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 17, 2017 Edition

Exempting Anyone from Funding Abortions "Unconstitutional"

In an op ed for the left-wing Sacramento Bee, Crystal Strait, president of Planned Parenthood Affiliates of California, blasted the Trump Administration's rollback of an Obama policy mandating that religious organizations must include abortion in the health insurance offered to employees, calling it "a violation of women's constitutional rights to 'life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.'"

"Few things are more stifling to freedom than the burdens of motherhood," Strait wrote. "Preventing a woman from obtaining an abortion condemns her to a life of subservience to another person. This is tyranny. That President Trump would authorize a change in regulations that exempts groups like the Little Sisters of the Poor from paying for the abortions of pregnant women who work with them, illegally and immorally undermines the grant of freedom given by former President Obama."

Strait argued that "couching the new rules as an expansion of the freedom of those with religious objections to opt out of financing what they view as 'murder' twists the plain meaning of freedom and allows religious prejudices to trample every woman's right to have someone else pay for this necessary health benefit. Saying that women are free to purchase their own abortions or that others are free to donate funds to aid the poor to get abortions dodges the fundamental issue. Government has the obligation to mandate universal access to our basic rights—either by funding them with tax dollars or compelling employers to fund them."

Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards suggested that "the kind of backsliding on this fundamental human right we have seen from the Trump Administration might have been averted if more women who have had abortions would do more bragging about them. On the surface, the procedure can seem scary. The fact that there are people who vocally condemn it can be daunting. Words of encouragement from women who have survived the procedure and gone on to fruitful and productive lives should persuade others who might otherwise hesitate to take the plunge."

In related news, Pennsylvania Democratic Gov. Tom Wolf vowed to veto legislation that would ban dismemberment abortions of babies more than 20 weeks old. "The effort to put the rights of an unborn infant ahead of those of the mother who wants to terminate that infant's life is vile and grotesque," Wolf declared. "I want every voter in the state to know that I can be counted on to defend their right to escape from involuntary parenthood at any point prior to the birth of their child."

Dems Confused by Rosenstein Actions

The emergence of evidence that several members on the staff of Special Investigator Robert Mueller engaged in partisan political activities aimed at thwarting Donald Trump's election and concocting an "insurance policy" to cope with an undesired election outcome has Democrats fuming.

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Maryland), one of 58 representatives to vote in favor of impeaching Trump, attacked FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein, calling him "a turncoat. He may think that his responsibility for bringing down Donald Trump ended when he appointed Mueller to head the special investigation of Russian collusion and granted him an ethics waiver. But with the collusion narrative withering due to lack of evidence, the need for another narrative is essential. By letting the story line drift into one of partisan bias within the Mueller team, Rosenstein has failed to uphold his part in the movement to rid the nation of this enemy of progressive government."

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) professed himself "befuddled by all the concern. Strzok, Page, and the others were not saying anything about Donald Trump that the majority of Americans weren't also thinking. Remember, Hillary was the choice of the majority of those who voted. Trump only won because of a constitutional fluke substituting electoral votes for actual votes."

Talking Points Memo publisher Josh Marshall assailed the leak of text messages between FBI personnel Peter Strzok and Lisa Page as "a massive invasion of privacy. Individuals in this country have a right to privately work on behalf of whatever political cause they favor without having to fear that their actions would be exposed by uninvited eavesdropping."

Marshall rejected the idea that since the text messages were exchanged on government issued devices during times when the two FBI agents were supposed to be working they were fair game. "Rosenstein could have and should have suppressed this information for the good of the country," Marshall contended. "Honesty and transparency must not be allowed to derail the progressive agenda."

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-R.I.) advised that "I think it may be too early to give up on our guys in the FBI and Department of Justice. I think Rosenstein is 100% honorable and I think Mueller is a 100% professional. I say we give them a chance to redeem themselves. For all we know, Rosenstein's apparent disloyalty may be a scheme to entrap Trump and his henchmen."

Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress seem eager to further explore the covert actions by the FBI to aid the election of Hillary Clinton as president. Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson (R-WI) is raising questions about FBI Director James Comey's July 2016 exoneration of Clinton for her gross negligence in handling classified emails. Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) has requested more information about the "insurance policy" discussed by Strzok, Page, and FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe. Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) wants senior Justice Department official Bruce Ohr and his wife Nellie Ohr, a Fusion GPS employee, to testify about their opposition research against the Trump campaign.

Turkey Supplying Weapons to Islamic Thugs in Germany

German intelligence wiretaps revealed Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and officials of his AKP Party have been transferring money to leaders of the "Osmanen Germania" (Ottoman Germany) biker gang. Ilkay Arin, German representative of the Union of European Turkish Democrats (UETD) –the lobbying arm of the AKP in Europe—defended the moves, calling them "a righteous implementation of the jihad the Quran instructs all Muslims to wage against the unbelievers."

Metin Külünk, a close friend of Erdogan, insists that "given the rising levels of violence in Germany, it is essential that all Muslims be armed in order to defend themselves and to slay those who resist Allah's call for Muslims to conquer the Earth. Of course, none of this would have been necessary if the Zionist conspiracy hadn't stopped Germany from cleansing the world of Jews during World War II."

Deidre Berger, director of the American Jewish Committee Berlin Office, confirmed that a scientific study of the opinions of the horde of Muslim refugees admitted to Germany under Merkel's "open borders" policy revealed deeply embedded anti-Semitic attitudes. "They see Jews as the master manipulators of every evil inflicted on the world," Berger reported. "Many are great fans of Hitler and justify the Holocaust because of this belief."

In related news, the Bundestag voted 505-152 to raise their own pay. The raise was backed by Chancellor Angela Merkel's Christian Democrats (CDU), the center-left Social Democrats (SPD), the pro-business liberal Free Democrats (FDP) and the Greens. The Alternative for Germany's Stefan Keuter called the move "shameful. The government has failed the German people. The refugees that are flooding our country are destroying our culture and threatening everyone safety. They shouldn't be getting raises." Merkel disagreed saying that "Keuter's contention that everyone's safety is threatened refutes his argument. No one's safety is more important to the Reich than that of the members of government. The raises will help us defend ourselves by enabling us to buy stronger locks, build better home security systems, and hire more bodyguards."

Meanwhile, under the leadership of Germany and France, the European Union is suing Poland, Hungary and the Czech Republic for refusing to "bear their fair share of the invasion of Muslim refugees from the Middle East. The burdens cannot be the sole responsibility of those member nations that voluntarily admit these migrants. The fact that the citizens of Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic have rejected open borders is irrelevant. Equity necessitates that all must be compelled to participate."

Sanders Defends Canadian Single-Payer Health Care System

Waiting Your Turn: Wait Times for Health Care in Canada, a research report published by the Fraser Institute, found "a median waiting time of 21.2 weeks between referral from a general practitioner and receipt of treatment." This is the longest in the history of Fraser's annual survey and 128% longer than the first survey in 1993. The wait to see a specialist for a consultation is now 177% longer than in 1993.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) averred that "long lines don't bother me. Important members of society can jump these queues if need be. Making less important patients wait is a more socially optimal outcome than a system where each individual is free to purchase the type of insurance or treatment he deems warranted by his condition and resources."

Sanders also says "there's a silver lining in making people wait. In the vast majority of cases people get well without treatment. Making people wait is a relatively painless means of reducing the total cost of the nation's medical bill. And let's not overlook the fact that medical treatment itself is the third leading cause of death in the United States. Odds are that having to wait for care will probably save lives."

Trump Refusal to Resign an "Impeachable Offense"

Liberal radio host Thom Hartmann called President Trump's refusal to step down at the request of Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) "as blatant a demonstration of sexual harassment as I've ever seen. After the Senator politely demanded that Trump resign following a renewed series of allegations of sexual misconduct Trump callously blew her off. That's horrifying and clearly am impeachable offense."

Gillibrand wasn't the only Democrat insisting that warmed over allegations ought to be enough to oust a sitting president. Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) also called on Trump to resign saying that "the sheer number of accusations represents a 'critical mass' that proves his guilty beyond a reasonable doubt." Wyden's colleagues Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore) and Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) concurred. "Trump is a proven liar," Booker asserted. "He said he would build a wall. There's no wall. He said he would repeal Obamacare. He didn't. Against this overt proof of dishonesty, the possibility that some of his accusers may be motivated by animus or venality to lie dwindles in importance. Decency demands that he resign. If he won't, impeachment is our last resort."

"Government has the obligation to mandate universal access to our basic rights—either by funding them with tax dollars or compelling employers to fund them."
Incontrovertibly true! Now, when are they going to send me my free 1911 and my free printing press?