UnwelcomeZOMBiE's Blog
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As usual my effort are worthless. No only i dun get my off, they dun even noe who designed their tee. At this point in time, i recalled what 2IC told me a few days before......"This is the unit, u have to follow the tempo. When the door is open, everyone will stay out. This is a stay in unit. As long as you are here, you stay in! As for things like Exercise Wallaby, u go with your company. If your company goes, you have to. Dun come and tell me nonsense like you dun want to do. I train u liao, you have to go. Else i train you for what? Dun say im a bastard, today OC is coming down, your go and tell him, ask him change unit for your...."

In the end, OC never came to us...he just came down to take a look. Due to his busy schedule, all the dialogs and interview had been canceled....That day was cohesion day. I dun drink, so i just put my head on the table. Hoping some tears will come for me to cry and make a scene in front of everyone. Perhaps it will appeal to their better nature? But tears never come. Somehow after so long of rough life, i had forgotten how to cry, because everytime i want to cry, im either in the public or in front of family. I dun want cry in those situation. Or maybe everytime cry unit no tears liao. Or maybe im too numb to feel anything. Thinking back again to something happened a day before......I was desperate after what 2IC told me. All my hopes dashed. So i decided to seek help from my OETI instructor. A particular person who i think can help me. I messaged her, but she never ever reply. The next day i found out i forgot to include my name, so i sent another SMS to her and told her who i am. No reply still. Either she is pissed off with me, or she dun understand what i want, cos i summarise all the reasons and events and help i wanted into a mere hundred plus words.

Looking at my a senior in charge of me, he dun seem like going to help me. He dint ask about my problem or wny i want stay out, just said "u got problem go find the IC lor, your problem is our concern. I can help arrange interview if you want".

Another senior keep tapping my shoulder and say "I know you dun want be turret mech, but just enjoy ba...". I explain i dun want stay out, not dun want be turret mech. He replied "stay in stay out same. After work u close your eyes, u wake up, you goto work. In future, at the end of the day, u close our eyes, you wake up, u go to school..." Huh? I was working with him alone for quite some time in the day. I was so much hoping he can ask why i want to stay out, so i can tell him. Nope, he just kept working and never asked me anything at all. No chance for me to explain. I dun want irritate anymore ppl w my old boring problems....Back to cohesion night...I was putting my head on the table, when suddenly someone came to massage my shoulder. I woke up and saw this friendly big face on top. Officer. He told me before he will help me. But tonight he told me something more.

"Nah, i dun watch propagandas" I paused a while. "Oh ya, 2IC said no negotiation to stay out and not go overseas exercise." Staring at 2IC making sure he cant hear.

"Ya lah...". He replied. I was shocked. I tot the answer will be something more comforting. Something more coherent to the "dun worry" that he told me few days ago.

"Cannot change a platoon to the Ayer Rajah one?" I asked.

"No lah." He replied. At this point in time, i dun feel like continuing the conversation. Though i tot im damn rude since he is an officer. I put my head down, as he walked over (someone calling him i guess).

After that, Some prize giving and stuff. Some birthday cakes for ppl's bd in july. They force me go in cut cake. In exchange i gave them my orh bin (black face, though literally i very fair).

The rest of the turret ppl are high on alcohol and having some fun making each other emo. I never took any beer, but i tot i took some depressant. I feel like dying...feel like laughing to myself, feel like flying...like i can jump off from this canteen and end this all. Feel like maybe i can stuff myself with too much food and get some heart diseases and die. Ya food...food makes me better. So i keep gorging, even i noe later on i sure get gastric problem.

Ppl drink beer to drown sorrow. I gorge myself with food to achieve the same effect. Hai, at this point in time, Mr Zombie still holds his guai lan trademark. No hope for me da. Quite funny, come to think of it.

After the cohesion ends, i quickly get my stuff and took Master's car back home. Nice of him to send me to just outside my block. Thank you...Two days later..Im playing Halo 2. Someone pushing myself into the digital virtual world again. Im no longer a private in SAF. Im Master Chief, the commander of a fleet of soldiers armed with Battle Rifle and Plasma Sword, driving Warthog and Scorpion Tank around like no body's business, crushing each and every Covenant and Flood in my way.

I can hold auto firing SMG, summore dual wielding them and spray at anyone incuding friendly forces. I can use my one slash one kill plasma sword against the Elites or snipe down jackals with Beam Rifle.

For days i had been indulging in the game. Hoping to relief my problems. Yup hope.Will hope come? Will miracle come. I tell myself "YES YES", but i know in the end...nothing will come.