Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

To a new beginning.....

When I started blogging, I was fascinated by the space and its ability to reach out to people around the world...Its ability to find people who shared similar thoughts...Infact I loved the media so much that I really did not imagine that I would hit a road block in blogging someday…Unlike many who had stopped blogging as a conscious decision the reasons why this space hit a halt was a landslide of several reasons… There has been drastic changes in my life since the last time I blogged…The times I have blogged from 2006 till 2010 were times when I had probably the peak happiness in my life…I was someone who hadn’t really anything much to worry about and most days were generally joy filled…well ofcoz there was periodic disappointments of reasons subtle to not so subtle…ofcoz there was the joy of meeting new people to the heartbreak of knowing that a crush was already seeing someone…there was the adventure of cooking dinners, of seeing new places, of laughing over a beer, playing Jenga with friends to tragic failures in learning new languages, unfortunate or delightful stories from friends and likewise…And all these incidents were fodder for me to keep blogging… Then 2010 happened!!

Although I had stopped blogging sometime in beginning of 2010 it was due to sheer laziness and the fact that I was getting quite busy at work around then…In the summer of 2010 while I was enjoying a vacation with my close friends from Hamburg at an island in the north sea (Rugen), I received the call from my cousin who delivered a news I feared the most… And then from that day nothing has been same for me… I hurried back home in India to meet my family … I don’t remember a journey as excruciating painful as my flight from Hamburg to Trivandrum and I was probably too over struck by shock that I can barely express it in words… My dad’s demise in a car accident on May 21st was like a big arresting stop in my journey of life… I don’t think I have to tell how I felt during that day and the following weeks as I believe it not something you can really explain…you just have to go through it…I was lucky that I had really good friends in Hamburg who gave me the strength in the hour of need and to my beloved relatives back home who played a huge part in my personal recovery…After 3 and half weeks I returned to Hamburg…I wanted to be alone…

I am usually a person who keeps all my emotions with myself and rarely share it with anyone unless am absolutely comfortable with that person… The physical and emotional toll of the few weeks made me really sick and I was bed ridden in Hamburg for a few days..The following weeks I was going through periodic depression and an urgency to withdraw from all sorts of social contact with people I knew… I had become some kind of a social loner and it was necessary for me…Atleast that’s what I felt around then…My behavior was ofcoz weird to my close friends and family as I can presume...But the period also taught me how to fight and be strong…. This was probably the lowest ebb in my life and I needed self conviction to fight it…The period also helped me to know the people who really mattered to me…

My friends out there who made sure that I did not sulk and stay at home all the time…friends who took care of me when I was sick…family who used to call me to check on me….My biggest reassurance or tonic for my recovery was how my mom and brother were doing…It was a huge relief for me when I saw them pulling the strings back…Infact I think that’s the most beautiful aspect of a relationship in a family….The relief you get from your loved ones recovering helps you the same…Infact when all do it for each other…the collective recovery is faster… I have to particularly mention two of my friends in Hamburg S&J who took me as part of their family and made me feel like I was not alone… And new friendships came from unexpected quarters when a spanish neighbor of mine became a very close friend to whom I could express my fears, disappointments…etc… It was a liberating feeling for me who usually tries to keep a cocoon around myself from expressing to friends what I truly felt …

Although people say time heals things… and my general optimistic nature should have helped me, I was going through something that needed something beyond that…and am thankful to all the people around me for giving the much needed relief…I need to mention a lot of my blog friends/readers who checked on me and encouraged me to get back to blogging…I don’t have to mention names here as I know they themselves know it…I have shifted from Hamburg to Mysore last December..am back at my old workplace and have settled here…I miss my friends in Hamburg a lot as I realize that they can never be replaced…Getting used to rigours of work life in India is a bit intimidating after the relatively balanced style in Germany and the difficulty for someone to get used to the ‘indian way’ of life was not exactly smooth after such a long gap. (The difficulty often misconstrued as arrogance from a foreign-returned in our parlance is quite natural and I really have to walk a tight rope to make sure people don’t think otherwise )… After a few months now in Mysore, I am much more comfortable than when I had landed in town… Even though the residual romantic love for Hamburg still remains, I am counting on starting a new life in India with new friends and happier times…I have promises to keep…And I believe the first thing I need to do was get back to blogging which is one of my first loves besides Frasier and pencil sketching ofcoz..:)

I would like to express my sincere apologies to all friends and family with whom I have not been my usual self…. I have not replied emails from many of my friends and family during this past year due to my indifferent nature … I hope you can understand and forgive me for the same.

I would like to stop for the time being with a favourite quote from Emily Dickenson...

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without the words and never stops at all."

I think I needn't say anything here, on pretty much non-private comment-space. A post straight from the deepest corners of your heart; that is why this is so brutally honest. My condolences, and I perfectly understand your feeling.

I was shocked to read the news in the papers back then. Had been checking your blog regularly though I never made an effort to speak to you after that simply coz I did not know what to say.Its great to see you back in this space and cheers "To a new beginning"Waiting to read more...

Heartfelt condolences Mathew. Can understand how traumatic it would have been for you and your family. Healing will take time but I am glad that you are back in this space. Let me thank God for giving you good friends and keeping you in His strong hands.

Mathew, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm a big fan of your blog, never bothered to tell you that, neither did I check with you why you stopped blogging, and I feel really bad about it. For some reason, I assumed you got married and may be even had a kid. couldn't be more wrong...

terribly sorry to hear about your loss. nothing is more painful than losing a dear one.my heartfelt condolences.good to see you back in the blogsphere. i used to wonder at your silence, and hoped nothing was seiously wrong.chin up, mathew

Life has taken its toll on u.Good 2 see u back with that new Spark in life. Of course life wont b same, bt then everyone is in a path of moving on.. Now u can see ur life in bigger perspective and surely ur family and frnds are always around 4 u.Glad 2 see u back here matt. Take Care.

Sorry to hear about you loss...it was hard to listen to such a news..my prayers...N bTW if u havent noticed..there are a lot of 'Cherain Mathew' fanatics who read n re-read ur posts(that includes me too :))..so get this place up n running..:)

Welcome back tho I'm lil late here mostly for the same reasons u have mentioned!! I can understand very well what you had gone through and yes time heals to a larger extent tho not fully. Just that we need to move on and you have taken the right step. Take care and happiness always.. :)

Sorry to hear your loss. I feel 'Time heals' is trite and barely works. Almost 3 & 2 years after losing bro n dad respectively, the pain is still there, and with the same intensity. Yet you move on. You move on and remember less of your pain, and more of the memories of your dear one. Thats life.

Hope you and your family had and continues to find strength to carry on...

Sorry to hear about your loss. I could totally identify myself with your post, as I had begun writing the same year for the same reasons and stopped doing so in 2010, due to some depressing event of my life that followed the happiest phase. And also i believe that though time can heal the scars, the wound still remains. But i'm really glad that we haven't lost the old Mathew in the process and you could come back with the same zest and humour in your writings...So, when i came back to this sphere, it made me really happy to see u still in here while all other blogger friends I used to follow have stopped writing. Keep writing such great posts...God bless you!