Awkward Moments

Awkward moments. We’ve all had them. That point in time when, despite your best wishes, your world can come crashing in on you, embarrassment can set in, and a memory is created, albeit not necessarily the one you intended.

As you may remember, last week I took a trip to Florida to visit my parents, a simple 4-day journey to just be with them. I missed them, they missed me, seems natural. We had a wonderful four days together. We saw some people I really like, had a lot of laughs, and ate some really good food. And if you’re thinking I had my awkward moment in Florida, then you’re wrong. Not that I didn’t have some “special” moments that were embarrassing and awkward, mind you.

There’s this process that happens to your body when you travel, and you end up eating not only more than usual, but also all kinds of different foods than usual. Our bodies are wonderful things, to be sure, but they can only take so much. It’s a little like owning a house in the country, where they have septic systems. You need to take care of these systems, and you also cannot overwhelm these systems with too many exotic things at once, or else you might have to call someone out to fix it.

My body is no different. I ate WAY too many different things while visiting my parents. And so, naturally, my body rebelled. It bloated. It expanded. It was decidedly not happy. But I did my very best to contain things, in the interest of ensuring that my family not bear the brunt of my indiscretions, and also that I could continue to co-exist with them in our own happy little environment without any undue air pollution. So to speak.

And, to be honest, I was winning the battle….for the most part. A few well-timed visits to properly ventilated areas from time to time, and it seemed that we just might all weather the storm. As my wife was preparing for her own 4-day trip with her music class, she asked me to accompany her downtown while she made some last minute purchases. I assured her I would, providing that I could stay in the truck, as I was wearing shorts. Truth be known, I just didn’t trust myself inside a store at that particular moment. It would look a little weird walking around in shorts carrying my own can of Febreeze.

So, here’s the scene: I’m sitting all by myself in my truck. Anne is in the store. I am bloating by the minute. Something’s got to give. Nature cannot be held back forever. My wife was in the store. All looked clear. And so I begin to expunge some of the energy which has been contained in my vessel. Quite a bit of energy, actually. But hey…..I’m safe, right?

It is at this very moment when there is a tapping sound on my window. There is a lady standing there, a family friend, motioning for me to open my window. She wants to know how my visit went, and how my parents are doing. This is the awkward moment.

As moments go, this one will stand out for me for quite a while. In the second or two that it took me to actually decide whether to open my window or not, my life flashed before my eyes. I saw the first time I went swimming. My first kiss. My first bicycle. When I met Anne. The birth of my children. That time I wore velour pants. That other time I wore velour pants (that time it was on purpose). All the great, and scary, and outstanding memories I have stored lo these many years in my tiny little head. It lasted a lifetime, yet really only lasted a brief second. Finally, social convention outweighed any desire to save this poor lady an unexpected experience.

And so down went my window.

I know its cliché, but really the only way I can describe her facial expression when met with this attack on her olfactory senses is ‘deer in the headlights’. Time stood still. We went through about 3 seconds of dead air (also so to speak), and then, shockingly, she said, ‘WellIjustwantedtoknowhowyourfolksareIcanseeyou’rebusysowhydon’tIjustphoneyousomeday?!?’…. and off she went, quick as a bunny, back to the bingo across the street.

It was a little awkward. But now, this family friend and I will have this cherished memory to share with one and all for all time. Provided she made it home safe.