Would anyone be kind enough for a reading?

A lot of changes have been coming, sometimes with speed, sometimes ever so slowly. There have been major transformations, within and without but at the end of the day the feeling of being 'stuck' is always there...

My relationships have taken a 360 degree turn. Parents, sister, husband, cousins, friends everything is blossoming. I have had to do major work there and its paid off. There is deep satisfaction, trust and love in my relationships, they are happy. But somehow I am deeply unhappy and continuously remain so no matter how many battles I win, how hard I fight.

A few core issues are left to work at. Primarily my self-hatred and self-judgement, harsh and unbelievably unforgiving. Maybe that is keeping my stuck where I am. I am repeating a few patterns unable to get out of them. My physical health is taking a severe beating, with digestion completely topsy-turvy, sever bloating, rapid weight gain and constant cramps...Sometimes I think it is because I refuse to 'let go' of the issues I have resolved and pain I have forgiven...Whatever, it all makes me deeply unhappy...

Could anyone be please kind enough to do a tarot spread for me to know what is behind this frame of mind and what are my primary challenges in the New Year ahead? Mighty thankful friends.

I am more unhappy with myself for being unable to create the circumstances I wish to have and being unable to break out of this 'stuck' mould for long...The self-blame kicks in and its a downward spiral from then on...a whirlpool that throws out more unnecessary things...making circumstances even more unhappy...

And those depressions of yore, that I had left back, that I had thought had left me for good are back with a vengeance. Totally helpless against them. Today burst into tears on my cross-trainer at the gym and had to rush to the loo to have a hearty cry. Didn't help. Ten minutes later I was still weepy. And I really had no reason to weep...Part of me thinks it must be hormonal, periods have been very very late this time but don't know really...

You already know what the problem is with regarding your state of mind. This is a great time to fully explore your situation. You need to dissect yourself right now. Of course, doing this alone won't be easy so you may need help. Is there someone you can go to help with these issues. If not than it will be alright to seek professional help.

Card Two Represents the Background of the Question. First Quarter Moon in Earth

Stability

A great balance has been reached, but isn't considered successful. There is a great desire to make everything tip to your favor and to your liking. This card signifies what you were talking about your family life and perhaps your work life. Things are great and it may have taken you a while, but everything has turned out well with this respect.

Card Three What Needs to be Done Next: The Fall

You are holding on to too much of what's bringing you to your current state. What guilt are you holding on to? What repressed memory are you trying to keep from coming up? This card shows that you need to let go, for if you don't that may be your biggest mistake. If you keep living your life this way you certain to fall even further and by the time you try and correct it, it will be much harder to come out of it. If you thought of getting a fresh start than now is your chance.

Card Four The Outcome: Disseminating Moon in Earth

Responsibility

What ever choice that you take you will always have to know and acknowledge that it isn't only you that will be affected by your choices, but everyone you love and is connected to you. You certainly don't want to negatively affect them, and therefore, your decision will weigh up everything not only for you but for them.

Has your family been trying to help you? I think that many of your fears may start from there. That may be the first place you need to explore and see what's making you come back to these feelings and sudden outbursts. There is something your are completely unconnected from that you need to find first. When you do life will certainly change for the better.

Thank you so much for this EIAI. This was a great help. I do have a couple of questions and I am glad you are there to listen.

"There is something your are completely unconnected from that you need to find first."

How do I go about finding this? I'm sure it lies within me. In the past one year I have dissected myself many times over, braved the hurt, knowledge and grown manifold. Do I need to start from scratch again? I am so weary of it all...really, I'm not complaining just exhausted by having to be brave all the time...Do I sound wimpy when I say that?

"If you thought of getting a fresh start than now is your chance."

I have, many times over. But whenever I have tried I have fallen three steps backwards. Hence, the 'stuck' feeling. Does this question have anything to do with my marriage? That is the only area I can see that needs a complete overhaul. I have decided to walk out four times now but stay back for some reason or the other. I find coming to that decision extremely difficult but when I do I feel so tremendously empowered and together. But then I stay back...mostly it is my husband convincing me we can work it out together...and I can not refuse him because I cannot see him hurt...But in a matter of few days I am back to this and I can never say if it is the marriage and my decision to stay back. After all, the root of all is me and if something is not working its because of something within me...

I do not fear abandonment anymore. Yes, I do fear loneliness a lot. Maybe, that is keeping me with my husband. Mind you, he is very caring, supportive and loving. But I do not feel the love of a wife for him anymore. I do not feel the spurt to invest in our relationship anymore. I do not feel the reason to do it anymore. Except for his sake, my loneliness sake and most importantly, for the sake of our families. They are very closely connected to us and our marriage and it will shatter them if we break-up, moreso if it is me who walks out...

I wish I had the ability to see what it really was that you are looking over. I can not say with certainty, but if it's something on a subconscious level you must find help. If you have dissected yourself, than that isn't enough. You need some other person that can help you because we usually can't find all the answers by ourselves.

You don't sound wimpy at all to me. You sound like a person who is lost and confused. My advice to you is to perhaps seek a therapist or psychologist. I think this is especially needed with regards to your marriage. I picked a new card just now for your marriage concern. I got the card of the Goddess Hera. I think she represents you in her meaning, for this card says to allow things to run their course even if you don't not like it.

Perhaps this is where you need to start over in life. Both you and your husband need to go back to square one-- together. What happened that you both decided to be together in the first place? Separating at this time does not seem fortunate because there are too many involved. You say that you are tired and feel like you don't want work things out, but for now pull yourself up and try, try again.

If and after you sought help and at the end of it all nothing has changed, than there lies the chance to start over again. Maybe at that time the guilt and fear will no longer be strong as it is now.

Thank you EIAI and apologies for replying late. The first thing I did on reading your response was to go and have a conversation with my husband telling him I was willing to work on our relationship. Thank you for picking another card for me. It is not the first time I have received the guidance of letting things run their course wrt my marriage. I think I just keep wanting to run in too many directions to be able to let things be. But for now, yes, I shall have to let them be, and not only that, will work on it.

About the professional help, well, I have been toying with the idea for months now. Tried someone but did not work out. I am just too scared to open up to a stranger who just might get it all wrong. Too many cases of psychiatric help not having worked in my family...anyway seems like its the only choice I have. If only I'd be able to get out from under this pall of depression and help myself. Anyways, I won't be complaining to you anymore, let me just end this by saying you were of real help EIAI and God bless you for being so compassionate. Do let me know anytime if you need anything, I don't have any prescient skills but I can lend a shoulder and a ear.

Here's wishing you a great New Year with all its promises, and successes and joys and dreams come true for you. Thank you once again dear friend.