(Closed) The name change… :(

Ok so when me and FI started talking about marriage and the name change. I said “umm I’m not sure, I have publications in my last name and want people to still find me”. His reply? “What?? What will I tell my parents and my grandparents?? Its disrespful to not take it… You tell them you don’t want it”. Seriously how do you reply to that? I love my FI and part of me did want to take his last name, because I wanted to be the “smiths”, you know “team smith!” it was cute and kinda joined us together.

Soooo I decided to drop my last name, convinced myself it was the right thing to do. We got the marriage licence and everything. The wedding is in alittle over a week. I’m freaking out, my maiden name is beautiful and exotic, its not “smith” (his name is not smith but pretty similar). I live in a different country from my family and I feel by changing it we will not be “connected” stupid I know. Also I am in a career where people know me as Miss exotic, not Mrs smith. The names are so different everything will be lost from my past.

I have asked him about maybe not taking it, this involves going back and getting another marriage licence but he doesn’t want to go back and do it. It means a lot to him that I take his name. I feel like I have to choose between the name I want and keep FI happy. I know if I really want it he will help me but be mad and never let me forget it. I just wish he could understand why its hard for me to do this. what do you think i should do?

I have a cousin who has an established business in her maiden name, a lot like your publishing, so when she married she kept her maiden name for professional purposes (website, business cards, email, etc., are all in her maiden name) and changed her name to her husband’s last name for everything else. Do you think that sort of solution might work for you?

You could hyphenate your last name Ms. Exotic-Smith. Many professional women do that so they still have the association of the name they’re known for but also reflect their new status.

One of my friends took her husbands last name legally, but for professional stuff she still continues to go by her maiden name. I don’t believe there’s any rule saying that the name you use in business has to be your legal name

It’s kind of like celebrities after they get married. I remember when Jennifer Anniston married Brad Pitt (I know ancient history!), she was legally Jennifer Pitt but stayed “Jennifer Anniston” for professional purposes.

I agree but he makes me feel so bad about it and I wish I was stronger before. I think I just like to make people happy and I love him and I want to make him happy. This is how I’m in this situation… because I signed the marriage licence and agreed to become Mrs Smith and now I want to go back and change it. If I hypen it, does he have too? He will not… I like the idea of it though Mrs Exotic-Smith

Hopefully you’ve had chance to explain to him why you feel the way you do about your name.

Have you considered changing you name for personal life but keeping it for professional things? A lot of women take that option, that way at work you are still known as Miss Exotic, and you don’t have to loose the connection to your family. But you’re “team smith” at home, where it’s important!

Sorry one more post. The only downfall to hypenating is that for all legal documents (technically including credit card slips) you need to sign your entire hypenated last name. Not a problem if they’re relatively short names, but a headache if you have two long names.

It’s a lot more disrespectful to ignore your loved one’s preferences with a very personal decision than it is to not change your name to his. Honestly, it’s your name. You’re the one who has to go through the process and make the change – it’ll take him a lot less time to get over disappointment than it will take you. If you seemed just nervous about the transition, then I’d point out that a lot of people get nervous but eventually adapt, but it seems like this is something you don’t really want to do and are only doing because he’s pressured you into it. Whatever choice you make, please for yourself make it for the right reasons and make sure it’s your choice.

Maybe someone legally knowledgable or someone who’s gone through this knows more, but I’m not sure you need a new marriage license – you may just be able to use the one you have but never go through the process of changing your name with the SSA, DMV, etc.

If you dont want to take his last name then dont take it. It shouldnt feel like punishment, but personally I cant wait to take my FI’s last name and start our own little family or Mr and Mrs Hislastname, and then have kids with that last name too… I just think its cute

I like the idea of half and half. Legally Smith, Professionally Exotic… and Mr Smith is totally supportive of that. I just worry about the admin getting confused…. should I just not worry about the admin? They other concern is I’m not a US citizen and will apply for a green card so I need to make sure all documents match. My publications can be different though and my maiden is so rare it makes me easier to find or I was thinking of Hyphenating for publishing. Part of me does want to be Mrs Smith of the Smiths, will Baby boy Smith and Baby girl Smith. Then we will all match and be a unit. Plus I have heard stories of Baby girl Smith wanting to become Baby girl exotic in some families. I know this would hurt FI. I don’t want my future/potential kids to think there is an option.

Its just such a hard decision and I wish I could talk to FI more about it without him getting upset or offended…. He makes me feel bad like I’m being a bad person or not loving him enough. I think/ I know I need to make the decision and stick with it. I just know if I change my name back and stay exotic HE will never support that decision and if I regret it in the future he will not support me then either. :(:(:( I love him but why he has to do this to me, over what I think is his insecurities is insane…. 🙁