Why I didn’t grieve for you… by @TwinsMa

Why I didn’t grieve for you…

It’s been almost 2 years since they told me you were autistic. It’s been almost 2 years since they told me to get help for you…NOW.

It’s been almost 2 years since I walked out of that doctor’s office into the smothering heat of an early July afternoon and I breathed a sigh of relief.

That’s right. Relief.

For all the times that I squatted in front of you begging you to tell me what hurt. For all the times that I asked you if you wanted milk or juice and you rattled off an unintelligible mouthful of syllables. For all the times that I tried to rub your back or touch your cheek and you turned away or smacked at my hand. For all the times that you cried and I couldn’t figure out why.

I had an answer. I had a place to start looking for ways to help you.

And boy did I ever look. The ever-growing mountain of books that sits on my nightstand is a testament to late nights and early mornings spent buried in a book after you were blissfully sleeping…learning. Finding my way through the confusion and frustration that made our days a long stretch of fussing punctuated by brief periods of the most heart-warming tenderness.

I didn’t grieve for the children that I thought I was going to have because I knew from day one that you were both going to be different. We started out of the gates with a unique beginning for each of you and I’ve never expected you to be any different than you were at those exact moments in time.

Sure, I hoped the projectile puking wasn’t part of your future (and it isn’t) and I hoped that the screaming for hours on end wasn’t part of your future either (it isn’t as frequent but it still happens occasionally), I have never expected the average from you. From the moment they said twins I knew we were in for a unique experience and I’ve never turned back.

Today, you’re able to tell me what you’d like to drink, sometimes without even being given options first, and you are starting to tell me what hurts and point out where. I can understand almost every word uttered from your mouth, even if they don’t always fit the situation (“Pull zeee switch, Igor!!!”). You are both so very smart! You frequently do things that I have to google to figure out how to fix and you show me daily that I don’t know everything there is left to learn.

Have I grieved for you? No. Have I grieved for the children that I thought you were going to be? Hell no. The children that you are at this exact time are precisely who I want you to be. Maybe without your finger shoved up your nose, but you get the idea.

I love you all three from the top of my head to the tip of my toes! I’ll never grieve for what I thought you’d be because what you are is soooo much better than I ever could have pictured. Keep on amazing me with all that you do and I’ll keep on wrapping you in my loving arms, even when you get big enough to wrap me up and carry me off instead. 😉

I love you just as you are. Never stop being you. Stims, tight hugs, soggy kisses and all. 🙂