“LMFAO THURSDAY!!”

“Woman who pepper sprayed shoppers gives herself up and is charged with assault with a deadly condiment.”

The teenager who criticized GOP Governor Sam Brownback refuses to apologize saying ‘Sam is so thin-skinned you can see right through his Koch Brothers contributions.”

“The fired female Russian TV anchor who gave Obama the finger on air was immediately hired by Fox News and will be encouraged to use her finger as much as she likes.

“It turns out theatre goers having seizures during the latest “Twilight” movie saga had all eaten the KFC double down Chicken sandwich.”

Pakistan’s government went completely berserk when American war planes accidentally killed some of their troops.. and in an angry fit of pique refused to take their next billion dollar aid payment until next weekend!”

Roland Emmerich has just announced his next major disaster movie titled: “THE GOP DEBATES!”

“The power Grover Norquist has over the GOP is rumored to be a new form of an undetectable compliant super drug injected into the REPUBLICAN cafeteria cheeseburgers.”

“Look like the Republican Party will be choosing between Mitt Romney Mormon’s Godly multi family values and Newt’s God awful ones.”

ESPN announces a new college coaches series titled: “Play Balls!”

Liz Cheney has taken criticism of the PRESIDENT so far into ‘ridiculous’ she’s looking like a Dick”

CNN will announce its tilting more to the right because Exxon and McDonald’s have offered the entire staff free gas for life.

Lindsay Lohan has spent so much time in court California will build a holding cell in her house.

NEWT’S NEGATIVE ADS WILL START WITH “RON PAUL HAS SMALL BALLS!”

The Occupy movement will move into heavily mortgaged houses across the country saying it’s not big deal ‘caus they’re used to being evicted.

Nielsen has apologized for last week’s understandable rating mix up when they juxtaposed the GOP Presidential debate with “The American Horror Story.”