Crist: Stay out of son's harmless puppy love

Apr. 29, 2013

Written by

Gary Crist

Letís Talk

Dear Gary: Iíve discovered that my 12-year-old son has a girlfriend of approximately six weeks, and I am concerned on many levels. My biggest concern is he never told me or my husband anything about her. I discovered the situation by checking his iPod texts last week. Another concern is how madly, deeply and completely in love my son seems to be. I realize young love is intense, but the lovey-dovey language they use and the sheer number of ďI love youísĒ that go back and forth is rather alarming. While the language isnít ďinappropriateĒ there are many ďbabe, honey, angel, best thing that ever happened to me,Ē etc. going back and forth.

I talked to my son about it over the weekend. I explained that the number of texts needed to decrease; the intense nature of the language needed to decrease, and he didnít need to text her at 5:45 a.m. before school. We discussed that he is too young for such an intense relationship, but he could continue to consider her his girlfriend if he understood and held to the considerations I was giving him. I also explained how disappointed and hurt I was that he had not shared this relationship with us. I requested that he put some distance between himself and the iPod occasionally, so it didnít feel quite so much like a third hand. He was not allowed to go to an activity he had hoped to go to (Kidís Nite Out) on the night we had the discussion because he had failed to let us know some of these things.

I checked his iPod this afternoon and am not completely satisfied with what I found. It appears that the number of texts to the girlfriend overall have decreased slightly, and there may have been a very slight decrease in the lovey-dovey, intense nature of the text language.

Thereís a dance coming up at school, so Iím nervous about that, too. Part of me wants to tell him that he canít do this and it all needs to end, but he was devastated at the prospect of that. Do I put severe restrictions on the iPod and phone? Any advice you could provide would be much appreciated!

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ó Scared Mama in Loveland

Dear Scared Mama: While I can understand why you are hurt and concerned that your son did not confide in you that he had a girlfriend, I can also understand ó given your reaction ó why he did not tell you. Boys and girls at this age are trying to figure out girlfriend and boyfriend relationships. When I was in middle school, I had a girlfriend, and that relationship lasted throughout high school. Our parents did not interfere, and it all turned out OK. We are both happily married (to other people) and stay in contact. I tell you this because I do not see anything wrong with what is going on between your son and his girlfriend.

For them, using these terms of endearment is what works for them, and I donít see anyone getting hurt by this. The fact that your son is doing so well in every other aspect of his life could be seen as evidence of this. In an emotional sense your son may be the kind of person that puts 100 percent into his emotional relationships. Given what I see in this world, I wonder if we donít need more people like him. If you donít want to be further disappointed by your sonís communication with his girlfriend, I suggest that you make sure your instructions are clear. If you want him to text and back off the terms of endearment, you need to be specific and let him know what that looks like. I do not see any reason for you to restrict him from his iPod, phone or restricting him from seeing his girlfriend, but I do support you in having him interact with the family more and not letting those devices get in the way of that. Having their texting, etc., happen at a reasonable hour makes sense also.

I suggest you tell your son that you want to meet his girlfriend and ask him to invite her over for dinner. Beyond that, I would get to know this girlís parents and see what their thoughts are concerning the intensity of this relationship. The only negative I see taking place is that you and your husband are hurt that your son did not share his relationship with you. Perhaps if you take a step back and embrace the relationship between your son and his girlfriend, he will ó in the future ó be more comfortable sharing with you.

Gary Crist is a mediator, social worker, facilitator and trainer who lives in Windsor. Reach him at (970) 214-9172 or parent_ teenhelp@comcast.