The Trials and Tribulations of Redefining Finding Modern Romance

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Tag Archive | relationship

I find it interesting, and a bit disconcerting, every single person I know has a very concrete idea of the person they think they want to find. A set of standards, things they are looking for, and things they are hoping to avoid.

This has brought me to some related questions/conclusions, along with today’s most valuable lesson. One question; if you are seeking someone with similar interests and you are a bookworm, couch potato, why are you dating athletic types who want to be on the go and haven’t read a book since college? A conclusion; people are basing their hopes on completely unrealistic ideals.

The previous conclusion leads into today’s self-evaluation topic. Before you can truly go about finding someone suitable to spend more than two weeks with, you should really figure out Who the Fuck Are You?! Truly, genuinely, inside and out.

Obviously, there is a level of dishonesty in some cases. But I really do find in most cases, more than anything else, it’s them portraying their “ideal self”. The guy they would be, if only….. It’s the if only creating the problem.

My suggestion to anyone who is going to be dating is to take a look at themselves. An honest look. Sure, we all have those friends who are going to tell us how amazing we are, how stupid the entire single world is for not beating our door down, we’re beautiful/handsome, a total catch. This is awesome and everyone needs and deserves the support, believe me, there will be times when your ego is going to take major, undeserved hits. Those people need to be on standby for just such occasions.

The problem comes from believing all of the hype, all of the time. Yes, maybe you are beautiful, but then again, maybe your beauty is only skin deep. I’m sure you are amazing, but you probably have some flaws, too.

When I sat down recently to genuinely evaluate who I am and what I have to offer, I found that I like myself quite a bit. I also found myself disappointed in Me in several areas. (hey, I warned y’all I started seeing a psychologist after the first breakup with mi Colombiano, this shit is what we do)

The point wasn’t by any means to beat myself up, or to build myself up. It was to ground myself. Arm myself from unfair assessments by others, give me the ability to acknowledge the fair ones with grace, and the chance to work on areas I choose to change.

One of my best features is my unwavering support of those I care for, be it emotionally, physically, or other, I will do anything for someone I care about, putting myself aside to be there for them. One of my worst is I am judgemental…..yes, I am judging you: your hair, your shoes, those earrings, your inability to spell, etc…I am judgy.

Obviously, I dug much deeper than these issues, but hey, some stuff you people just don’t need to know. 😉

Have you ever done an honest character evaluation of yourself? Did you find it uplifting? Depressing? Do you think I should stop seeing this psychologist immediately?? LOL

Important to note: No, I haven’t fallen madly in love and run off with the Knight in Shining Armor, yet.

Since we have established this fact, let’s review where we do stand with the Cast you have met, along with a couple of people you haven’t been introduced to properly.

Captain America: CA leaves for his training to head overseas, for his dream job, on Friday. We have been in contact, as we always stay in contact, but due to a death in his family and his attention to the last-minute details of closing his house up and prepping, we haven’t seen one another since you were introduced to him. He will be sorely missed and always a dear friend. I feel confident his role has ended.

Sunday Morning: Of course, I haven’t heard from him, nor contacted him. I did, however, find out by accident, he will be returning home sooner than he had expected. This makes us smile. His playfulness and easy-going spirit is missed.

The Shocker: Totally stricken from the list. Oddly enough, pompous ass is not on my list of desirable traits in a man. Moving on, wishing him luck.

Saint: I respond when he texts. I don’t initiate conversations, because honestly, until he makes a date AND keeps it, we simply aren’t interested. Right? Right.

The Halfling: Much like the date, he has no sense of respect for my space. This is true in text messages, too. He still blows up my phone, despite my Obvious disinterest.

Majorus Interruptus: I shook my head as I typed his name. I went out with him three more times after our initiation by fire, into the inner circle of his family. Fun and easygoing dates. No spark…..that is the easiest way to explain it. Just a good friend, which is where we have moved him. Friend zoned…….

Mi Colombiano: We have GChatted several times recently. It’s very stilted, to say the least. I feel so torn when we chat. There is a part of me wanting to tell him he wanted out of my life, so he needs to just stop. There is also the part of me crying out to just say something meaningful. I don’t, I never will, I have realized there is too much fear and insecurity surrounding him for me to actually trust anything between us. So, I chat with him, so I know he is okay and I don’t create undue stress on him while he is there. He does need to focus on missions, his team, his need for self-preservation is more important right now. The rest can be dealt with when he is safely back.

The Contractor: Yes, I know, new one! He’s sweet, fun, considerate. We spent close to all of last weekend together while he was in from California. I have wondered more than once why I didn’t let him steal me and take me back with him when he jokingly threatened to do so. We will be continuing to get to know one another.

The Ice Cream Man: Couple of dates back a while ago. I ended it because he lives fairly far away and our schedules are completely mismatched. He’s called, sent texts and SnapChatted (nothing graphic, thank you! I am an innocent one, don’t ya know) quite a bit lately. We haven’t discussed getting together, but he is definitely attempting to get back on scene.

Okay, that does it for the Roundup! Anyone you hated to see get cut? Intrigued by? Think needs to go? Feedback people. It’s all about feedback!!

Granted, it’s not as cut and dry as some list of qualities I am seeking. I think, I hope, we can all agree, the days of “must make $400K a year, have at least two homes, no more than one ex-wife, and 2.3 kids” are long gone. I’m seeking a person, flesh and blood, and hopefully just as flawed as I know myself to be. Of course, he must recognize some of his flaws, present them unabashedly, and know he deserves love anyway, just as I do.

I do have some hard and fast rules, both for my expectations of men, and for myself. (like Prince said….demanding….)

So, for anyone wondering, let me lay them out there. When you read these, you are going to laugh and say, “Come on, this stuff is common sense, no one would ever…..”, to which I say, “In a relationship for a pretty long time, huh? Never tried online dating, right? Or, damnable option, you’re the person I am trying to avoid, or avoid becoming.”

Rules for Myself:

If he seems truly interesting, make the first move. There is no set of rules anywhere, saying men are solely responsible for striking up conversation or asking about lunch sometime. Better to step up, than miss out. (this rule applies online, as well. If I’m interested, I send a short email, usually a little bit of wit and a little explanation of what caught my interest.)

Don’t begin to justify other people’s actions, or romanticize out of boredom or loneliness.

If you want to sleep with him, sleep with him. There is no magic number, no set time, no mythical song will play when it is time. We are all adults and sex is one of life’s pleasures. Truth be told, I am not going to long term date someone who the sex is atrocious with anyway. If he thinks you’re a whore for sleeping with him so soon, then he’s a whore too, so you’re still on equal footing.

Speak up! If he’s tanking a date because he can’t stop talking about his ‘mom, kids, ex, job, hobby’, etc. make three gentle attempts to ease him out of it. He could just be super nervous. I am fucking amazing and men get nervous in my presence. LOL If you try to ease him out of it, but it continues, do him the favor of telling him. Be honest, a simple, “I’m trying to keep up, but wow! We have been talking about your ex for 30 minutes straight now.” If this doesn’t end the diatribe, it is now acceptable to smile, get your purse, stand, leave.

Do not spend extended periods of time on any of the previously mentioned subjects when with anyone you have not been on numerous dates with and they are asking questions about the topic. Lots of questions. These are not date topics. (okay, hobbies are great date topics, but moderation is key)

Be honest with them. If the spark just wasn’t there, but they are still blowing up your phone……no stringing along!

Rules for Men I Date:

Disrespect of my time is not acceptable. I deserve to know if you tell me you are going to be somewhere, I can count on you to be there, or tell me, in advance, you will not.

Infringement of my personal space is not to be forced. I’m not shy, if I want you to hold my hand, you will know. If you just had to reach a full arms length and take a step sideways to grasp my hand, I didn’t want you to have it. Don’t act all shell-shocked when I withdraw it (from your grubby little claws).

I identify myself as a grammar nazi, self-promoting writer……why are you surprised I didn’t respond to your email reading, “hey girl i like you’re stile” I don’t care if you look like Ryan Gosling, WE are not going to work. And…you should be glad I deleted my initial response.

If you are Ryan Gosling, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE spell correctly and use proper punctuation. I would hate to miss out on you!

Don’t ask me, while in the first 15 minutes of our first date, if I’m feeling the connection, too. If you ask, I will be forced to tell you the asking of the question just left me feeling a little frightened and concerned about your future stalking potential.

Don’t be angry. Angry, bitter, unhappy…it may be masked initially, at times, but the minute I pick up on it, I’m out. I am seeking someone to enjoy life’s moments with, not to listen to how the world just keeps beating you down.

Don’t think you have me all figured out, and for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me you do. I don’t even know all the many wonderful facets of myself at this point in life. You definitely do not either. On the flip side, please seek them out with me, and try to appreciate them for what they are…….tiny pieces of me.

Do be exuberant about something. I don’t care what it is, have some passion for something in your life!

Do have interests in more than NASCAR and baseball. 🙂 (it’s okay, she’s out there somewhere. I’m just not her.)

Do understand that just because I don’t think you are right for me, doesn’t mean I am judging you as unfit. We just aren’t suitable for one another.

Whew! I’m sure the list will grow, the longer we do this. I don’t feel like I’m being all crazed with expectations. I had a situation with a guy who I went out with twice, then he just didn’t show for our third date. I sent him one text, when it was clear he wasn’t going to show.

“Not waiting here any longer, going on home. Hope you’re okay.”

We had actually really hit it off. Great chemistry, great times when we had gotten together. Then that. It seemed strange. No matter who you are, something like that makes you question your judgement.

The next day, I received a text from him.

“I’m so sorry baby girl! I totally forgot and went out with a few friends after I dropped the kids off.”

I’m sorry, did I read that wrong? He “totally forgot” he had a date with me?!?! I’m so much better than that. I replied;

“Well, I hate to hear that. I’m sure we would have had a good time. Good luck on your search for someone ______. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

Within 5 seconds, he was responding to the brush off.

“Whoa! You’re seriously overreacting. Calm down. I missed one date, not like I skipped out on your birthday.”

This made me pause, and truly evaluate my reaction, verses my possible reactions. I know people who would have instantly forgiven him, then complained down the road because he repeats the behavior. I know people who would have blown up his phone the night he didn’t show up and made a huge fight of it. I know people who would have just blocked him from their phone and all social media and pretended it never happened.

I sent one last message to him:

“_______, There were many ways I could have reacted to being stood up. My reaction is the one I am comfortable with right now. I place a higher value on myself than to date someone who forgets our plans. I’m not angry, just know my own worth.”

He has randomly called, texted and even suggested we try getting together again since then. I’m not saying I will never go out with him again, the attraction to him was strong. What I can say is, I felt good about my decision. Still do.

Deciding what is acceptable to you is a valuable dating tool. Know your lines, limits, and personal limitations. Don’t start out the process compromising.

As promised, we will catch up on the new Cast Members and their respective entrances, exits, idiosyncracies, etc.

Majorus Interruptus will be a fun place to start. Flirtatious guy, older than me (we all know, in my book, that is a strike against him), raising 3 kids(one of whom should be raised by now!!!), moderately attractive, very clever….we will consider him a persistent contender.

He showed up “on scene”, not through the dating website. Got my phone number through a mutual acquaintance, then called to suggest lunch. He had been funny when I met him, was amusing on the phone when he asked, but I was unavailable for lunch at the proposed time, so he jumped right to the “clearly, we are destined to have dinner then” line. I acquiesced, and the plan was simple, just cruise around and sight see until we got hungry, then play the restaurant by ear.

He was smart to go with this plan, and to choose a casual jeans sort of dress code. It had been a physically and emotionally draining week for me and the laid back feel of the evening appealed to me.

He arrived on time, had completely acceptable jeans and pullover shirt on. Away we went for an evening cruise in a reasonable, but sporty muscle car. I was comfortable.

Conversation was smooth and easy. He and I were laughing a lot and it was very relaxing to just ride and not feel the need to worry about anything. We could be wherever we wanted to be, when we wanted to be there.

Until……..while showing me his old neighborhood, he asks if I would mind terribly if he ran in to check on his grandmother, since we were so close to her house. I could stay in the car and he would only be a moment. I didn’t see it as a huge deal, I would do the same, honestly.

When he went to her door, though, there was no answer. He got back in the car and called, also no answer. He was becoming concerned, when a white SUV jam-packed full of women pulled in behind us.

“Oh my hell!” being his response, I guessed immediately I was in for a treat. I was right. Grandmother, two Aunties, one cousin and a great cousin all come rolling out. So excited to see him, AND, of course, the lady friend(no joke, I was referred to as ‘the lady friend’). After an extremely warm and only mildly inquisitive visit with all of them, we beat a hasty retreat back to the car.

He was terribly apologetic and the whole thing really had just amused me. The women, while clearly judging me…..my appearance, my demeanor, my education and my family status….were incredibly warm, friendly and funny as hell.

We had been back on the road for about five minutes when he received a call. It was his mother, making it clear she expected him to stop in, what with every other woman in her family already calling and texting her about the lovely ‘lady friend’ Majorus Interruptus had with him at grandmother’s house.

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, which ‘Mom’ heard over the bluetooth. If there is one thing I learned a long time ago, it is you don’t mess with Southern mommas. If I end up actually dating this guy, this is a necessary stop. He was in the process of arguing his way out of it when I stopped him. “We might as well go, it will keep us both out of trouble”, I chided. He pointed out to his mom I had said we should, and only then, was it acceptable for him to get off of the phone.

He was giving me pre-game instructions on all of his mom’s behavior, prepping me like we were about to head into battle. We arrived at a lovely little suburban home, like any other, except with X’s drawn on paper, placed on several windows of the front of the house.

“What the hell?!” was his response to seeing this, I was amused. As we entered the house of this perfectly coiffed, overly manicured woman, wearing something that reminded me of the clothes my friends and I wore while in New Orleans, he immediately asked of the X’s……..and we were off. I believe I said three words during the visit, I did get the full pictorial review of her trip to Paris, (paid for by the younger brother of my date) her trip to Disney, (paid for by his next to oldest brother) her trip to Germany to see his youngest brother, which, was only fair since she was going to see him, she pointed out). She only ‘suggested’ to Majorus Interruptus twice he should pay for her LightLift Facelift while we were there. Oh, and her computer is feeling a bit old, what with that new Windows system being out for so long now.

Somewhere in this onslaught, a text had come through to his phone from the daughter who should be raised by now. Did we want to join them for pizza at one of my favorite(unbeknownst to him) pizza places in Louisville? That was a Hell Yeah!

Not that I wasn’t having a fabulous time…………

So, we were hauling ass to extract ourselves from the tornado repellent(remember those X’s??) house. Almost making it out the door before ‘Mom’ asked what is apparently THE only thing she needed to know about me.

“What sign are you?” Seriously…….this was the Only question she asked me the entire time. I told her……….she was excited. Very well. I passed all kinds of tests I didn’t, as of this moment, care to even be taking.

When we were safely in the car, he looked at me and said, “As you can imagine, I’m used to high maintenance women. If anything, that is a big plus for women in my life.”

That is one way to look at it. The daughter, her boyfriend, and friends were a nice change of pace. Relaxed, out for some fun on a Friday night. It was enjoyable joining them.

After dinner we strolled down the streets of the city, to the Belvedere. It was quite lovely. After a bit of just looking out and talking about the madness of the evening, we decided it was time to head back home.

We did stop for a drink at a local bar, once we returned to our little town. Then, he dropped me off at home, apologized for the massive interruption to our plans, and kissed me on the cheek. His daughter had teased him at dinner about pretty much ensuring there would be no second date, to which I responded with a genuine laugh.

He asked me if I would text him the next morning and I said of course. Which I did……

So, now you’ve met Majorus Interruptus. What do you think?

Do we sink the Major’s ship because of some clear and present mommy danger?

Do we give him another go round and see if he can manage a family-less date?

I know, I am supposed to be keeping you abreast (hehe) of my dating activities. I should warn you, we have a lot of catching up to do. New cast members, reappearances from previously undiscussed cast members, dates gone awry and dates going really well.

Each man, no more how seemingly inconsequential, needs to be chronicled, for posterity if nothing else. So, with this in mind, I will do a quick rundown for you on what has transpired, then we will spend next week actually going into some detail on the cast members involved in this rundown.

The Rundown:

Emails from “mi Colombiano” leaving me in an emotional heap

Random calls from the Jamaican, who has been out of the picture for almost a year (??!!?? can we all say it together now WTF?)

Four new cast members…2 from *insert internet dating site*.com, 2 from random meetings.