A Child of Divorce – at 49

A few weeks ago I went to a bridal shower for my mother. At seventy-something, she is remarrying after nearly 30 years of being single. Her fiance is a loving and warm man whom our family has welcomed with open arms, and who has brought so much to my mother’s life. To see them together is to see the true meaning of miraculous – that they have found each other at this point in their lives, that they are healthy and can enjoy being together, and that they are making this commitment to each other with the excitement of two people decades younger.

But something odd happened to me after the shower, on the long drive home. I realized that despite the fact that my father had remarried twice and he and my mother had long ago both moved on with their lives, there was still a part of me that thought they might someday get back together.

Ridiculous, I know. I mean, besides everything else, my father has been dead for four years.

This is the plight of a child of divorce, even as I am racing towards 50. Even though I came to terms with my parents divorce many, many years ago. Somewhere inside of me, all these years, while my mother was still single, a teeny, tiny part of me always hoped they would someday be together again.

I guess that’s what most children of divorce would wish for, no matter how young or old they might be. I was very fortunate that my mother and father were (nearly) always comfortable being around each other, and most every family celebration included both of them. My mother showed enormous class and dignity when dealing with my father’s second – and third – wives. My parents both always put myself, my children, and my brother and his family before their own issues.

I was surprised at this very odd thought when it popped into my head as I drove down the freeway – “Mom and Dad will never be married again.” As I mentioned, the fact that my father is dead was a big part of why this was a strange notion. But also, I don’t remember ever considering that it was even remotely a possibility, nor was it a good idea. And yet the little girl inside of me was speaking up and this was what she was wishing for…mommy and daddy together again.

I am so happy for my mother. As everyone at the shower mentioned, there is no one in the world who deserves to be happy and in love more than she does. A psychotherapist, she has given thousands of hours of her life to helping others to feel better about their lives, and now she feels thrilled about hers. She has found love at a time of life when many people are losing their partners.

I’m not a “woo-woo” person. I’m generally a fairly practical thinker, with a pretty strong bullshit detector. But I am convinced that my father sent my mother her soon-to-be husband, as a way of making up for a lot of mistakes that he made along the way.

Ridiculous? Most definitely. But then, so is the little girl who’s voice I heard as I drove home from the shower – the little girl who wished her parents were still married. Sometimes, our hearts overrule our heads, and we have a moment of emotion that we don’t understand – or maybe we do.

Congratulations to my mother and her wonderful guy. I know they’ll be happy forever, and I’m so happy for them. And so is the little girl, deep inside of me.

I was itnerested in this. My parents never divorced (but I too am 49!) but I look at my own children’s peers whose parents are divorced; They go back and forth between parents every week, and I just can imagine how a child of divorced parents ever again feels as if they have a home. Each parent may move on and put down new roots, but how can the children trapped in the middle do that? How do they ever have a home again that they can call their own until they are old enough to move away? These are questions that I often ask, especially when I may be having a rough time with my own hubby…we’re ok. But marriage isn’t always easy even when you are able to make it work. Very well expressed post.

The optimal way I’ve seen people deal with separation and divorce is to stay near each other so the kids have minimal upheaval in their daily lives. I have great respect for parents who, after deciding to separate, take turns going back and forth to the family home so the children don’t have to move around instead. Obviously that’s not a long-term solution, but it seems to work as a good transitional plan.

I have often wondered if my children have those thoughts, though they love their step-father dearly. I would think it kind of peculiar if they did, neither of them have a relationship with him, yet, I wonder if they think it would be different? I guess I’ll have to ask.
This is a lovely look into your heart. ♥

My parents divorced when I was young. My mother was never civil toward my father since–and she made sure he had nothing to do with us kids from about the age of 7 on. I am now in contact with my father–and it is funny how their perceptions of their time together differ so greatly. She truly hated him–he always wished they could have worked it out. A little girl in me wishes sometimes that they could have too. But then, knowing them both now– I think they’d be miserable if they had stuck it out. Most of me just wishes my mother could have done what your mother did–which is been civil so we could have had a father growing up.

That’s terrible, Jenn. I’m glad you’re in touch with your father now. It wasn’t always easy between my parents, but they both worked at keeping things civil. When my father got cancer, my mother was there with us through the whole thing – and his biggest regret at the end of his life was how badly he had treated her.

The divorcing parents set the tone for the entire lives of their children. It’s a shame that more of them do not take the high road and they set their children up for a life-time of resentment and guilt- treating one or both parents and their respective step families poorly. I’m a child of divorce and have always known that my parent’s choices have nothing to do with me.

If the parents take care of their children, show interest, financially support and treat the other parent with respect and move on with others who embrace the step – children as family it can be done. If either parent works behind the scenes to punish the other spouse it doesn’t work well.