I look at ALL of her, goddammit, and I DO NOT feel like a pedophile. What I feel like is an old man who wishes he could return to his youth, and therefore enjoys looking at pretty YOUNG women while trying to imagine “what if.”

Some of you fuckers really piss me off. You learn a new word and suddenly you use it in any situation with which you don’t agree or that you fail to comprehend. First it was “Photoshop.” Then it became “pedophile.” How about “twerking?” Jeebus Cripes, pull your heads out of your asses and act like real human beings!

But that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
— With a tip o’ the hat to that right-winged cocksucker, Dennis Miller