Thursday, July 5, 2012

Most people live by the stereotype that teenagers make their
lives a whole hell of a lot harder than they need to be. They probably do. But
no matter the needs, or the wants, or the reasons; those hardships shape who we
are today.

And sometimes those hardships make people go insane.

When I was fifteen years, I first realized the motives of
bad people. The short version is a damaged person did something to make
themselves look like a bad person, and that damaged bad person did something to
destroy my optimism. I don't know the exact reason why this person mentally
shattered me, but it was probably because they were insecure about something,
specifically something I'm sure I represented in their life.

And then you get it, a bully. A successful bully. A bully
that was successful in breaking me.

After my roller coaster of an association with that person,
I decided I hated that person. I decided I wanted to break that person, and
bad. I realized I understood the motives behind criminals that want to hurt
others.

But I never acted on that. I just left. I gave up. That
event was among what I consider the turning point, or loss of childhood
innocence. Children, in my opinion, are these magical creatures that do not
hate and do not resent. Adults, on the other hand, hate and resent, and mostly
do so because of the things that shaped their personalities into what they are
as a younger person.

That event, among others, is reflected in the way I behave
today. It's reflected in my insecurities. Maybe I can't trust people? Maybe I
think everyone has an ulterior motive? Maybe I cry a lot, over nothing, over
everything? Maybe I still have that tendency to make my life harder than it
needs to be.

Of course, I suppose the point of this blog entry is to
assess that for the first time in my life, I'm trying to shake those feelings
of insecurity that cause me to do things like act like a clingy,
desperate, center-of-the-universe.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

As you may have guessed, I am twenty-one years old. I didn't just turn twenty-one, either. In fact, I will be twenty-two sooner than it would take to drive from Alaska to Brazil. As my impending birthday approaches, I have come to realize how different things really are compared to a year ago. And then I start comparing it to two, three, four and five years ago.

At seventeen, I thought I was going to make a serious career out of singing. I even recorded a few songs, and played a few shows. I was an excellent singer, and still am; with a range of four octaves, as well as experience with various vocal styles. But somewhere along the line, I changed my mind. Do I know when? Not really. I guess I just lost interest in doing that particular thing. Maybe it just wasn't something I needed. I still keep my MySpace up, because I'm sure at least some of the 1882 "friends" I have on there still like my music (at least my dad does)!

How about ten years? At the age of 12, I did stuff like this:

When I was 12, I wanted to be an architect. I would spend day in and day out drawing floor plans for houses. They were pretty damn good, and I have license to say that as I am no longer a seventh-grader by any means bragging about my life. I probably could have done well in architecture school, but who makes money off of architecture these days? Thanks, housing bubble.

But these are just two examples, of many, of things changing. I'm sure everyone's plans change at one point or another in their lives.

Yeah, a year ago today, I was living in a tiny apartment, majoring in Art (like, my fifth major in college) at Western Washington University. I think I played World of Warcraft, too? I'm not trying to undermine who I was a year ago, but I truly believe that I have changed most drastically in the past year than ever in my life. And I think it has everything to do with graduating college.

As for college, I graduated two months ago with a general studies degree (never did decide on a major, but did decide it was time to leave). I now live in a pretty nice house with a yard in a garage, which I don't own, but have come to the realization that I could very easily purchase a home like this with my savings and the amount of money I will be making at my new job.

Oh yeah, I start my new job next week. I'm going to be a technical writer! It's funny that I say that, because it is seriously something I both never said "I want to be this when I grow up" nor heard of before my last quarter of college (when I took my first and only technical writing course).

I don't know that writing isn't something that I'll just lose interest in, like architecture or singing, but I do know this: I have been writing almost as long as I have been drawing. At first, I seriously sucked at spelling. But I was always writing. When I was a younger kid, I kept a diary. In fact, I kept a diary up until...well, I still keep a diary! Though I don't write in it hardly ever. Then, in the early 2000s, I got a LiveJournal. Then a MySpace. Then a Facebook. Then a Blogger...then a Hubpage...and now, back to Blogger, apparently.

I don't know if writing is something I necessarily enjoy, but I know it is something that is basically a backbone to who I am as a person. When I laid out floor plans in the seventh grade, I kept a diary. When I sang, I blogged about it. Now? Well, I am apparently making money doing it.

How much did you change between your Senior year in college and your first year out?