FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

I am the Creedmoor Chronicler, the journalist who found Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman wallowing in three tons of ashes produced by the burning of a multi-use warehouse complex in Red Hook just before real estate values there skyrocketed...

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

To avoid confusion and search engine issues, I am closing this blog and copying all content to the main Creedmoor blog next Thursday IYH.

The continuation of the Tontiner story is already up on the Creedmoorer blog and I hope to have the scintillating conclusion of the great Tontiner scam to be titled "They Shoot Horses, Don't They" before Pesach.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Young Kalman Schmoiger, now called Schmoigerman so as to evade either the draft, prison, or both, did not see a place for himself running his family inn. First of all, there were far too many heirs for the place to be of any real value to him once his father, uncle and aunt were ready to receive the harsh verdict that such reprobates could expect from the Beis Din shel Maalah. And then there was the matter of the stream of charomim from the "Vaad Arba Amarotzes" beis din, which could only be lifted by an ever greater stream of bribes, ranging from a gallon of sliwowice up to tens of thousands of crowns, to the Av Beis Din, who was known as the Tontiner Rebbe for his introduction of the infamous tontine scam to the deGeneratzky lands.

Schmoigerman knew that his only way of escaping the rather mediocre opportunities afforded to him in his home town was to beat the Tontiner Rebbe at his own game.

Actually it should be mentioned that Schmoigerman did have one redeeming feature that might have eventually admitted him to an eternal rest several levels above the hammei Tverya that heat the purgatorial premises of Gehennom. In order to raise the initial capital to begin the scam that would bring the tontine to his home village, Schmoigerman hired himself out as a khapper, or catcher of young men for forced recruitment into the army, at a whopping price of four rubles per kilo of body weight for each young Jewish man captured.

But Schmoigerman would not stoop so far as to send any Jew to the Czarist army, especially in the Ruthenian no man's land which could have been Hungarian on any given day. Instead, he created false passports for hundreds of sturdy young men, and sent them along with a few drunken peasants to the Czarist Army recruitment stations. There, the peasants, a coarse and unruly lot, would be pressed into service after confusing the recruitment officers into believing that hundreds of well nourished young Jewish men were on the way, once the army would send a promissory note back to Schmoigerman thousands of rubles.

At best, Schmoigerman sent a few unfit Jewish men who were in turn rejected and sent back to the deGeneratzky lands, and the confusion he created was enough to net him a hundred thousand rubles (he sold his promissory notes quickly and at a huge discount, and at the time he did not have the chutzpah to include any forged promissory notes, a level of corruption that would have to wait for his later years of total depravity), a huge sum at the time, before he decided to move on and avoid possible prosecution which could have netted him a Hamanoid swing from a high tree.

Thus began the career of Kalman Schmoigerman as a seller and manager of a rather grisly investment scheme called the tontine, in which participants in essence hoped for each other to die so that they remained the last ones standing and could collect the entire sum invested.

The tontine actually had been a legitimate investment vehicle, but in Schmoigerman style as learned from the Tontiner Rebbe, the scheme became a scam of which Charles Ponzi himself would say: "I wisha my nama Schmoigerman, denagaddadaway widda my games!" In fact the Tontiner Rebbe was a distant cousin whose surname was Menubalov, indicating his descent from the already descended Menubal and deMenubal clan from whence issued the Schmoigermans as well.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

In keeping with the timelessness of Creedmoor, in that there is no timeline, rhyme or reason to anything connected with Creedmoor including its fabricated and gloriously fictional history, we bring you a portrait of one of the more recent ancestors of the Admou'r meCreedmoor. Yeridas hadoirois does not apply in Creedmoor either, for each degeneration of the Schmoigerman ancestors outdid the next as they applied modern methods to live up to their ancient designation of Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach no matter where they lived.

Kalman Schmoigerman, or Reb Kalman Kerosener (not to be confused with his cousin Reb Kalman Kerosiner, as one was the Kerosener Rov and the other the Kerosiner Rov) was one of the first to use the Schmoigerman surname with the pride that it deserves, namely the pride of the farm on which he was born as the product of an illicit union between a Ruthenian peasant father who deserted his Jewish consort, a local businesswoman known not too fondly as Zoine Zlate Schmoiger's. Zoine Zlate was the daughter of Shmeel Schmoiger, one of the two Schmoiger brothers, who, with their sister Yachne (the first Yachne to have given rise to the common and derogatory use of this feminine version of Yochanan), ran an inn similar to the one their earliest ancestor had run in the ruins of post-salinated Sdom.

This inn offered a very similar menu to that offered by its earliest predecessor in the Negev of the days of Avrohom Ovinu, or more accurately of Lot's wife. We will spare our readers a description of the gilui arayois that took place here, but suffice it to say that Zoine was an apt description of the proprietress, and her brothers took quite a fee for the services of their rather bold and loose daughters, which did not include cooking or cleaning, let alone makeup or sheitel-macherei for chassunes (after all no one in their right mind held a chassune at the Schmoiger Ranch Inn unless it involved a priest and a nun).

The food was somehow certified kosher, but many a member of the canine, feline and various rodent species somehow entered the outhouse of the inn, never to reappear except as "schlangelach," the long, snake like chopped meat sausage that was the specialty of the Schmoiger Ranch Inn. The inn also was a fueling stop for stagecoaches that needed oil for their lamps. Somehow the oil sold was invariably adulterated with various caustics and vile solvents that necessitated the replacement of the lamps (which the inn proffered at a price about twenty times the average stated in the Ruthenian version of Consumer Reports, and the lamps made on the premises were invariably rated 'fantastically fecal' [formerly 'double dreck' and now 'Solomon Drek'] by said publication, that designation being three levels below just plain unsatisfactory and reserved only for merchandise that had no possibility of functioning properly and safely under any circumstances).

When said adulterants were unavailable, one of the Schmoigers would just sell the unsuspecting mark some water and laugh as the wagoneer, usually an unlettered hick from a remote village, would try to light it. After about ten tries, a Schmoiger child would offer to help and sell the driver a bit of oil supposedly from his own stock, at a price unheard of anywhere even in this very day of high petroleum prices. Failure to buy the oil and light the lamps would mean that a Schmoiger would call the local constable, who in turn issued the wagoneer a ticket for improper lighting that was payable only at the cash desk of the Schmoiger Ranch Inn. The Schmoiger Ranch Inn would split the proceeds of the tickets with the local poritz, Count Kazimierz deGeneratsky, and with the constable himself. Indeed, the only Jews who were protected by the rapacious poritz were his partners in crime and oppression, the Schmoigers.

However, the first generation paled in comparison to the second, that of the Kerosener and the Kerosiner, the two Kalmans.

It was known that in some villages, each trade would have its own synagogue, so that tailors prayed with tailors, shoemakers with shoemakers, and the beis medrash was for talmidei chochomim only. But little Kazimierskow-deGeneratzk was the only shtetl that boasted not one, but two, Firemen's Shuls, each one feuding with the other to the point that they were both covered with pashkvilkes stating that anyone who davened in either one was in cherem by the rov of the other one and at least one more rov, either the Farkoifter Rov (Rav Siechmach) or the Tzidryter Rov (Rav Kapoyer), who were known halachic incisors and inciters in that region. Since the last name of each rov of each shul was called not Feierman, not even Feuerstein, but rather Schmoigerman, one can rest assured that these shuls had nothing to do with Kazimierskov's Bravest. Yes, by now you have probably guessed that the two shuls were indeed the place where the sociopaths and degenerates of the little shtetl, who numbered two or three deciminyonim thanks to some creative Schmoigerman accounting, pretended to daven as they plotted their next fraudulent deals.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Sdom. Sodom. With its twin city of Amorah (Gomorrah), the very paragon of cruelty and immorality. It is here, amidst the pillars of salt, that the Schmoigerman family tree grew from its first rather seedy seed, a purveyor of salted meat named Azaz-el.

After the destruction of the twin cities, this reprobate saw a great business opportunity. He made deals with local shepherds for aging or dying sheep, slaughtered them with a primitive saw, and sold their skins at absurdly high prices. It must be understood that post destruction Sdom was much like the present post nuclear accident Chernobyl region of the Former Soviet Union, namely an abandoned no-go zone.

But our Azaz-el would turn it into a tourist attraction for those Sodomites who would have been destroyed had they indeed lived at the right address at the right time. While Sdom may have been destroyed, Sodomism, defined as giving in to every perverse urge of the yetzer horo, was alive and well and will be alive and well as long as there are sociopaths in this world, which is as long as we are in Golus (and of course the present Schmoigerman, Rabbi Dovid Azazel, who indeed has been proven to have degenerated from the wasted seed of the original Azaz-el, wishes to see the Golus become a permanent state so that he can continue to walk in the ways of his salty ancestor who both purveyed and spoke with a salty tongue).

Azaz-el's Deli was indeed a place where not only salty flesh, but also the saltier pleasures of the flesh, were openly traded and sold at prices far above even that of his not quite as daring competitors. After all, the mayors of Sdom and Amorah had been turned into pillars of salt, so now this pillar of Sodomite morality was free to proffer the delicacies of Sdom, not beholden to any taxes or regulations that were meant to support the famous Merkaz haChessed of Sdom in which the guests were made to fit their beds by any means necessary.

However, Azaz-el was not a cruel man and he did not have any desire to reopen the Merkaz HaChessed. His idea of Sodomism (not to be confused with sodomy) was just the pursual of pure profit with little regard to the value of his merchandise. His motto was: "I sell merchandise that no one dares return to customers who are forced to return time and time again!"

That is because Azaz-el pioneered the concept of time payment, in which the customer, usually defined nowadays as a mark, was able to obtain merchandise with a down payment and reasonable weekly payments. This in and of itself is not in any way dishonest, unless it is practiced in Azaz-el fashion in which the down payment is equal to about twice the price of the merchandise and the weekly payments continue forever, with additional down payments and time payments added on as more merchandise is obtained.

This was how Azaz-el sold his famous Sodom Salt Cured Pastrami as well as his timeshare vacation packages, and it was this practice that led his store to be nicknamed "Schmuger's Deli." The nickname was confirmed by the famous Creedmoorer chossid and amateur archaeologist Shmeel Schmutzgriber, who found a petrified block of salt marked with the words: "Achsaniya Azaz-el, al pi masoret Sdom, hanikra Beit haDelikates d'Schmuger" and which appeared to be a menu that indeed listed weekly payments for very large takeout orders of "nevela lemehadrin min hamehadrin".

Shmuger is an acronym for Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach. And after many permutations and migrations, from the suburbs of Sodom via Szarkonosvary, Hungary and ultimately to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Queens, it became the most derided and deplorable surname of Schmoigerman.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

A day before the departure of the hyliger Admou"r meCreedmoor for his winter Beis Medrash on Pluto, a rather unusual dedication ceremony was held in the Creedmoor Beis Medrash and Food Stamp Redemption Center.

It was the dedication of a glass case which held a small stone inscribed with the words "David ben Azazel. Shoiteh, Menivel veGasRuach."

That stone, which was professionally weathered so that it appeared to date back to about two centuries before the Churban Bayis Sheini, marks the oldest known record of the Schmoigerman family. Found by a Balestinian shepherd in a Brooklyn warehouse slated for arson, it was presented to the Admou"r by the Arab American Council for the Promotion of Islamic Terror, in appreciation for the Admou"r having provided 150 quintillion voters for the ultimately successful Obama campaign.

Unlike most Schmoigerman artifacts, this small bit of stone was independently verified as indeed being of the vintage claimed, and it is indeed the seal of Dovid ben Azazel, the Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach, the Bernard Madoff, Solomon D-er and Yisroel Dovid Weiss of his time, all rolled into one rather corpulent package.

Whether the name of the father of this first Schmoiger-man was indeed Azazel cannot be confirmed. More likely, the epithet ben Azazel meant that Dovid was either possessed by or as evil as Azazel. Alternately, given the nature of our first Reb Dovid, it is very possible that he took this epithet as one of pride, claiming that he was a demon in human form and charging large sums of money to various merchants in order to protect them from - himself.

This second explanation is very plausible, as protection rackets were among the stock in trade of the brigands of this epoch of decay. While Ben Drusoy may have been better known as a purveyor of food which had to be reheated, Dovid ben Azazel was also not a small player in the kosher food market of ancient Judea.

This is known because of yet another Shoteh, Menuval veGas Ruach stone, this one advertising the notorious "Pat d'Kokosh," or "Pita d'Kokosha," a vile and unhealthy confection that was sold by dishonest food merchants like Dovid to unsuspecting marks who arrived in Yerushalayim tired and hungry after a long journey after which they intended to bring a korban in the Beis haMikdash.

However, those unfortunate olei regel who ended up at "Dovid's Take-Out and Catering" never made it to bring a korban, and were lucky they were not sacrificed to Moloch. That is because "Pat d'Kokosh" was an intoxicating and stupefying concoction, similar to certain cakes and pastries which are legal only in Amsterdam. Once an unsuspecting mark ate a piece or two of "Pat d'Kokosh," that was proffered as a free sample by Dovid or his ezer neged kulam Yochana Tzoah, he would fall asleep, right in the street in front of the little shop. Then, Dovid or his son Bulvan would drag him into the shop, rob him, and load him into a wagon which he drove to Gai ben Hinnom, where he would unceremoniously deposit his victim, who was often left naked as well as devoid of his possessions. Once naked, he became prey for Bulvan's younger brother Naval, who ran a tznius patrol that would spray him with salt water and vinegar because he was improperly dressed.

In fact, many of the merchants who shared market space with this reprobate were sure they could trace his ancestry back even further, to Sdoim, but as all records of that great center of chessed are now found only in the Ahava cosmetics which the present Schmoigerman so nobly boycotts due to their Zionist origins, it is impossible to verify whether the Schmoigerman dynasty really began in Sdoim or Amorah for that matter.

Certainly, though, Dovid ben Azazel, who was either deemed by the Beis Din or by his contemporaries as "Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach," walked firmly in the ways of Sdoim even if he was not of Sodomite origin.