[A perfect-looking housethe kind you find in magazines. A perfect-looking WIFE puts the finishing touches on her perfect-looking living room. The front door opens and HUSBAND enters.]

HUSBAND: Hi, Honey! I’m home!

WIFE: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?!

HUSBAND: I’m your new husband. Where should I put my coat?

[He tries to kiss WIFE, but she backs away from him terrified.]

WIFE: Don’t touch me! I’ll scream! I’ll call the police!

HUSBAND: Aren’t you going to ask how my day was?

WIFE: [Attempting to pacify him.] How … how was your day?

HUSBAND: It was awful! Just like every other day! Same old boring job. Same old boring boss. Same old boring life. And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to mewhy come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new?

WIFE: But you can’t just

HUSBAND: I’ve always admired your home. It’s very well kept.

WIFE: Thank you, but

HUSBAND: I pass it every day on my way to work, so I thought today I’d give it a try. It has to be more exciting than the one I’ve been coming home to for the past fifteen years.

WIFE: But … I already have a husband.

HUSBAND: He can have my life. Where does he work?

WIFE: He’s an executive. At a technology company.

HUSBAND: Perfect! I love technology! All those little gadgets and stuff! It’ll be great!

WIFE: Look, I’m … I’m sorry your life is so boring. My life is boring too. But you can’t just walk in here and expect us to

HUSBAND: [To WIFE] When … when we get back it would be really nice to have some quality alone time if you know what I mean.

WIFE: It’ll have to wait, Dear. You have responsibilities now.

HUSBAND: Responsibilities?! This isn’t what I signed up for! You’re just like my first wife!

WIFE: WHAT did you say?!!!

HUSBAND: I

WIFE: Don’t compare me to that flat-chested bitch!

HUSBAND: I didn’t mean

WIFE: Do you see these tits?! Do you ever want to touch these tits again?!

HUSBAND: Yes! Yes, I do! That’s what I

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof! Woof!

SON: We’re gonna miss the game! We have to go NOW!

DAUGHTER: I asked first! It’s not fair!

WIFE: If I ever hear you even THINK her name again

DAUGHTER: You can’t just ignore me!

SON: You promised!

WIFE: I swear to God

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!

[As the cacophony rises, everyone converges on HUSBAND who climbs onto the couch to escape them. They surround him like a pack of rabid wolves.]

WIFE

Your balls will be so blue you’ll be begging me to fuck you in the ass! Are you hearing me?! Are we clear on this?! It’s gonna take a LOT of ass-kissing to make up for this little slip-up, Mister! Not only am I not like her, but she doesn’t exist! She’s a figment of your imagination! She’s not even a figment! I am the first and only woman you’ve ever loved, buddy, and you will grovel at my feet if you want any pudding from my kitchen!

SON

All I wanted to do was go to the Big Game! But now it’s too late! I already told all of my friends we were going, and they’re all going too, and now they’re going to see that I’m not really there and they’re going to know what losers we are! I’ll bet you didn’t even buy ticketsdid you?! Liar! My other Dad would have taken me! I should have gone with him! I’m never going to believe another word you say! You’re a big fat ugly liar!

DAUGHTER

Am I invisible? Am I not even here? What do I have to do to get some attention in this house?! Do I have to shoot somebody? Do I have to blow something up? Maybe I should get pregnant! I should find the first boy who wants to fuck me and just pull up my skirt! There are plenty of boys at school who’d like to fuck me! Maybe they already have! Maybe I just haven’t told you! Or maybe I have but you don’t fucking listen!

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