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Caltech purchases 827,000 miles of land west of the Mississippi to house freshmen

Today, Caltech administration celebrates history’s biggest real estate deal, which gives the Institute more than 800,000 square miles of land, including the much-desired Mississippi River. The auspicious purchase cost approximately four cents per acre, which is considered a steal. The land spans from the Mississippi to the Rockies, and contains many natural features, such as turtle ponds, real beavers, and all of Kansas.

The land is ripe with lush forests and boundless fertile lands, perfect for grazing, farming, and endless student housing. The new acquisition promises to make the Institute very wealthy. There will also be the addition of a new Environmental Science lab requirement, ESE3x, which teaches freshman how to mine ores, raise cattle, and start their own farm.

A statement issued by The Institute reads:

“The fertility of the country, its climate and extent, promise in due season important aids to our treasury, an ample provision for our posterity, and a wide-spread field for the blessings of freedom. – Thomas Jefferson”

When asked about their plans for housing freshman, Admin replied, “Well, frankly, [name redacted], we were just going to set them free, somewhere east of St. Louis.”