“You’re to Blame for His Porn Problem”

(Note: this is not meant to throw men under the bus. This is to help women shake off the suffocating coat of false guilt.)

I heard a story tonight. A man told the story of his now ex-wife and how she found out about his hidden porn use after seven years. People in the church spoke with her and implied, “You must have done something to help cause this,” basically saying she was to blame somehow. She became suicidal after that.

This man, though, told us in the audience something like, “But you don’t understand. I was into porn, yes, but I was also a compulsive liar.” He’d determined to keep his secret life hidden from her, and he’d succeeded.

There’s a mindset out there that the woman must have known on some level or was somehow complicit in the problem. Or that she was the reason he “had” to lie.

I believe this re-injures the woman, especially if it’s laced with a hint of, “If you were woman enough to keep your man happy then this wouldn’t have happened.”

Poisonous.

Devastating.

Untrue.

INSTEAD
I wish people would instead respond with, “Most liars are good at what they do. If they weren’t then people would never be lied to. There’s no way you could have known. You didn’t make him turn to it. You didn’t make him lie about it. You are not deficient in some way. You are not to blame for this!”

Besides, aren’t gals supposed to believe the best in their guys–to take them at their word?

AND

Don’t guys tend to do this in the dark and keep it in the dark? If she is causing him to lie, why does he tend to keep it from most people?

It didn’t just happen to that man’s ex-wife. I’ve heard other women say the same thing—this suggestion that she’s somehow to blame.

IT HAPPENED TO ME TOO, ONLY…
It happened to me to, only it didn’t come from outsiders. My husband outright said it, “It’s because you…” (And you wouldn’t believe what he said was the problem. I’ll save that for another time. It’s so infuriating it will be hard to keep my focus on what I feel led to write on tonight.)

The thing was: I believed my husband.

At least until my first counseling session, where she responded to my guilt with, “This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. There may have been problems in the marriage, but this was not your fault.”

She then went on to explain how

false guilt was different than true guilt in that

we can be forgiven of true guilt.

False guilt never goes away,

because you can’t ever do enough

to stop whatever you’re feeling guilty for…

because it’s not your fault.

Her words re-clothed me.
—
Now I knew there had been problems. I knew there was a distance between my husband and I for years (and I felt guilty for that distance.)

My husband quickly recanted the suggestion that his porn use was somehow my fault. Which was good, because I wasn’t going to take the blame for his porn use anymore.

Over time, I put it into perspective:

Yes, our marriage had issues. But those issues could have been dealt with inside the marriage. He chose to depend on women outside the marriage to deal with our breakdowns. Not exactly a way to bring us closer. Not exactly a way to get him what he wanted in our relationship.

I had to begin seeing this as two different issues: (1) our relationship problems, and (2) his porn use.

Issue #1: Our Relationship Problems:
Sure we had our issues, but two years into the marriage I asked him to see a marriage counselor with me. About the second session, he objected to something the counselor said and he shut down to the process. We didn’t go much longer after that, and he stayed shut down to the process for years.

So I had to own these facts: Before we got married, I told him I only needed to know we could talk about our problems. So when this one cropped up, I asked him to work on it with me. If he’d chosen to talk with me, if he’d chosen to work with the counselor, our issues probably would have been resolved. But he didn’t.

Later he went to an accountability group, and was sober for many years, but he didn’t work on the relationship. That was his choice. I did what I knew to do all those years. (I wish it had been enough, but it wasn’t.)

I looked at it from this perspective enough, and after a while I healed over my guilt for the relationship problems.

ISSUE #2: His Porn Use and Hidden Life:
Then there was the porn use. Since he chose to avoid our problems, to bury them under a pile of digital bodies, he compounded our problems. He chose escape instead of talking, instead of more counseling. It was his choice.

It was not my fault. He chose porn; I didn’t. If he’d said, “I feel a breakdown between us and I’m feeling a pull toward porn. I want us to go to counseling again,” I would have gladly joined him. He could have said that. He chose not to.

It was not my fault.
—
And it’s not your fault.

Sure, work on your relationship issues. Invite him to work on them with you. Work on them to the best of your ability. See a counselor if you have to. If he’s not willing, and your seeing a counselor doesn’t shift things, then find other approaches to try. If those things don’t work either, then you may have some decisions to make—I don’t know.

His porn use is his porn use. It’s the natural result of him not wanting to work on the relationship or his own issues. It’s a separate thing. It’s not your fault. He knows this, or he wouldn’t be feeling the need to blame you.

It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

—

Side note: When I read this to my husband, the first thing he said, “Not my finest moments.” But then he wanted to make sure he and I were okay, because “you sound somewhat angry in this post.” I told him we were good—that I started healing the moment he took ownership for his part. That’s when suffocating coat of guilt started sliding off me.