Feb. 10-16: Worst Week Ever!

It’s long been understood that Citizens Opposed to Additional Taxes knows how to talk a little stuff — even those of us offended by its insensitivity to homosexuals can respect the effectiveness of the group’s “That streetcar gay as hell” campaign. But The Enquirer today reported that the Hamilton County Democratic Party has taken offense to the group’s latest body of work, a series of Tweets about how huge a bastard the recently deceased U.S. Rep. John Murtha was. Among the posts to COAST’s minimally edited Twitter page were, “Shld have died in prison,” “Good riddance bad egg” and “John Murtha stole my wallet.” Murtha was unavailable for comment because he’s dead now.

THURSDAY FEB. 11

With most news-gathering organizations adapting to the increasing technological demands of today’s society, it’s good to know that one local sexist, racist, homophobic radio station beacon of truth is staying true to the old school. The Enquirer today reported that 700 WLW-AM will continue broadcasting twice hourly school closing reports despite the fact that most people are more likely to check the weather on an iPhone app than by looking out a window. Longtime host Jim Scott said the school closings remind his listeners of when they used to listen to the Armed Forces Radio Service school closings as kids and added that he purposely reads them in a boring voice so children don’t think he’s a dick if he makes them go to school in the snow.

FRIDAY FEB. 12

If you shave your face every day then it’s reasonable to assume that you’re kind of a square. If you shave your face every day with anything other than a Gillette Fusion razor then you’re probably kind dumb too (and perhaps mildly unkempt). The AP reported today that if you like your job at P&G enough to keep the image of Don Draper alive then you’ll soon have a chance to try the nation’s best selling razor in its newest form: the ProGlide, a five-blade razor proven to give a super-close shave without making your throat bleed like someone just tried to kill you from behind.

It’s Gillette’s first new shaver since scrapping the 10-blade Ionizer/hot blood towel combo in 2005.

SATURDAY FEB. 13

There are many ways to indicate how bad today’s American economy is — some people would say that when a second baseman coming off a .310/.383/.810 season can’t get $5 million before Valentine’s Day things are definitely wrong. But for those of us who don’t know what the fuck that means, we need a different indicator of economic turmoil. Luckily The Enquirer today reported a new trend among the University of Cincinnati’s co-op programs — that they’re not finding jobs for their talented young professionals as easily these days. Founded more than a century ago, UC’s co-op programs have been industry leaders in providing students with significant professional experience and a much better chance at moving out of this shitty, shitty city after graduation. In response, programs are allowing students instead to travel abroad or work for a nonprofit, the latter of which was formerly believed to be the opposite of training students to be successful in the real world.

SUNDAY FEB. 14

It’s a nationally recognized holiday, do you know what your daily newspaper is reporting? If you’re from Cincinnati then you’re super-psyched because you know it won’t be long before The Enquirer tells you all about the first person to get arrested and ruin the hell out of his or her holiday and/or life. This year’s first Valentine’s Day arrest occurred before most of us had even figured out what to get our relationship partners, as a 27-year-old got jacked up for domestic violence, assault and felonious assault only 15 minutes into Feb. 14. Few other details were reported because Enquirer editors thought a woman being hit in the head and stabbed in the leg the night before the stupidest holiday ever was funny enough.

MONDAY FEB. 15

If there’s one thing that all Democrats should know, it’s that if you are ever so lucky to pull one over on an American Republican then you better watch your back because those bastards are ruthless. The Enquirer today reported that after their embarrassing, anti-GW 2008 butt whoopins, Repubs across the nation are planning to rise up. The party is extremely confident heading into the 2010 midterm elections, according to Mike Shields, director of special projects for the National Republican Campaign Committee who is also in charge of making sure all signs at Steve Chabot rallies have “Dead baby” spelled correctly. Shields also noted that he once had his own son tazered by Simon Leis for beating him in a game of pool and then dared David Pepper to win another election.

TUESDAY FEB. 16

When we at WWE! go on road trips we like to set the cruise control, listen to some music about robots and watch the mile markers count down every tenth of a mile until we get to our destination feeling relaxed, calm and seizure-free. The state of Kentucky today decided to help make driving on its highways similarly enjoyable by ordering two billboards that say “Hell is real” to be removed. Senior Judge Geoffrey P. Morris said the two signs, which sit on the private property of two different individuals extremely afraid of fire, must be removed within 60 days and warned the property owners that “Deuteronomy 23:2” is not an acceptable replacement because most men are already afraid enough of losing their penises.