Category: Robbie Williams

Ever wonder what erstwhile sloppy horn-dogRobbie Williams has been up to? Yeah, me neither. That is until I learned what he’s been up to, then I thought, I should have been wondering about what Robbie Williams is up to this whole time! Turns out Robbie’s been a busy boy. He’s got a new album in the works, he’s starting a residency in Las Vegas in March, he’s a judge on The X-FactorUK with his wife (yes, miraculously he’s still married!), and he’s a spokesperson for WW (Weight Watchers). But he’s also been a bad boy. Robbie’s been spending his free time trolling his next door neighbor, Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page, with whom he’s been embroiled in a 5-year-long neighbor dispute. Robbie’s been blasting Pink Floyd whenever he sees Jimmy out on his lawn and sometimes even parades around dressed up as Robert Plant. Oh Robbie, you adorable nutter. Never change!

Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s all-star royal wedding spectacular may have been stuffed full of more celebrities than the damn Met Gala, and brought out the likes of The Mighty O and Tom Hardy, who became all of us by falling asleep with his eyes open. But Princess Eugenie had Naomi Campbell on her wedding guest list today. The St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle was probably filled with the clickity clack sounds of Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan furiously pounding away at their iPhones while rage-texting their wedding guest booker for not getting them THEE Naomi Campbell.

As you know, One Love Manchester, Ariana Grande’s benefit concert for the victims and victims families of the terrorist attack at her show two weeks ago, happened in Manchester last night. 50,000 people were at the show and performers included Miley Cyrus, Coldplay, Katy Perry, Little Mix, Take That the Black Eyed Peas (sans Fergie), and Justin Bieber. Normally this would be where I’d want to make a “Haven’t they been through enough already?” joke about Bieber, but I do have a shred of a soul left, so I won’t. Yesterday, Red Cross UK said that One Love Manchester raised over $9 million for the victims. Today, TMZ says it has raised $12 million. They expect to raise more from television rights and merchandise. Continue reading

I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).

Gwyneth PaltrowInstagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson, and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.

I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.

And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:

Proud man slut and overall spaz ball Robbie Williams had a talk with Esquire UK and mouth farted about everything from dudes have a “Built to Fuck” label tattooed on the inside of their dicks and how he regularly gets injects himself with Khloe Kardashian serum due to the lack of testosterone in his body.

Robbie’s interviews are always a mess and this one’s no exception. It’s like he’s on the verge of jizzing, but the interviewer is pinching his peen hole so he’s trying to get his thoughts out as quickly as possible. Anybody who has gotten an important phone call in the middle of jacking off knows what I’m talking about.

Here’s what Robbie had to say about all sorts of shit. The quotes will fly by if you picture the interviewer’s pinky in Robbie’s peen hole.

On how he traded in human growth hormones injections for some MAN JUICE and it’s helping his chronic lethargy: “To cut a long story short I went to get some HGH. It’s what all the old fellas are on out there in LA that’s making them look 40 instead of 60. It’s improving their health, their memory, their hair, skin. Could give you cancer. I weighed that up. Thought I’d have it anyway. Went to see a Hollywood doctor. Had my blood tests. Went back. He said, ‘You don’t need HGH. You’ve got the testosterone of a 100-year-old man.’ And then everything made sense. It was kind of an epiphany that day.”

On how monogamy doesn’t make sense: “The rules aren’t set up right. Because people are fucking outside of their marriages, outside of their relationships. People get caught out every single week in the newspapers. What does that mean? I think that means we’re built to fuck. And marriage, that whole institution, is made-up bull. I am pleased there is a media waiting for me to fuck up because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. But if it wasn’t for jealousy and social constraints, I think the rules would be different.”

On if he cheats on his wife: “Actually, no, because I don’t want to break Ayda’s heart. That’s the last thing I want to do. I met Ayda, I fell in love, that’s what happened. But I would be way more tempted because at the end of the day I am a man, with the stuff that makes you a man – go forth and multiply. And multiply with absolutely everyone.”

On how he regularly takes long walks and watches old movies with Granny Smith Apples: “I feel more emotionally connected to this apple than I do to a person I’ve just slept with. Women reading that will think that’s awful. But that’s what men are made of.”

On if he wants kids: “I get a lot of time off and I love fannying about. Play Football Manager, write songs, look on the internet for conspiracy theories, hang out, live in the sun. It’s a wonderful life of getting up when I want, going to sleep when I want. A kid will fuck that up.”

What I’m getting from this interview is that I should I pour testosterone cream into my morning coffee instead of illegal meth. I’m also getting that you should never try the apple cobbler at Robbie’s house, because I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on his wife with a Honeycrisp.