“File it under lost causes,” one doctor whispered to me on the phone as he finished examining a man who mistakenly watched Twilight. “I tried everything on this penis. Including reading misogynistic comments I found on an internet article about women getting paid the same as men. But nothing happened, nada, zilch, zero.”

And that brings me to this very necessary poll and why I’m so happy that MenKind conducted it. There’s nothing more valuable in the media than polls that rank the least sexy female celebrities. Because otherwise it’s like, how do we know who’s gross. I mean, we may think we know. But we don’t really know until some website asks men which female celebrities turn them off the most. With the caveat of course that any men who vote in this poll are still allowed to have sex with the women, if the opportunity should ever arise. But publicly they must denounce that woman’s so-called beauty.

“She’s disgusting!” they should shout in unison as their belly flops over their pants, and the beer dribbles over their chins and their back hair peeks out over their shirts.

Because if they don’t do that, we could wind up with a whole crop of unsexy actresses who think they’re sexy. And then what will we do with them? I mean, besides put bags over their heads.