America’s Next Top Pro Model: Chinese Downhill Results

July 19, 2009

Lauri Heiskari for the win. Photo: E-Stone

Words: T. Bird

"What the fuckah is a Chinese Downhill?"
–Hot Dog

In the early 5th century, the Sum Yung Guy dynasty in the western province of China experienced one of the most devastating rice famines ever recorded. In an attempt to weed out the weak-willed citizens of the province, emperor Xig Jsaw placed a bowl of rice (which was in very short supply) in the center of the town, mandating that the settlement's populus climb the highest peak and race to the rice bowl at the bottom of the hill. The first person to reach the bowl was crowned the victor and awarded with a plethora of underage virgins to do as he wished with and given the bowl of rice to consume at his whim. This is the factual origin of the "Chinese Downhill."

A lone snowball was lobbed, and when it hit the ground, it was fucking on.

When this phenomenon hit the snowboarding community, I couldn't tell you, mainly because I made the entire intro paragraph up, so that should sum up my authority on the matter, but regardless, the America's Next Top Pro Model Chinese Downhill was one of the most entertaining on-hill events I have ever witnessed. With a stacked field of competitors lining the top of the course, a lone snowball was lobbed, and when it hit the ground, it was fucking on. Careening at terminal velocity down the Windells lane, the field pushed, shoved, spit at and bit their way to the finish line in the beginning of the Windells pipe, and oh what a finish it was. Flat landings and flailing arms culminated in a happy ending only a Tijuana bathhouse could rival, as Lauri Heiskari took the win with Bryan Fox in second, Eero Ettala in third and Marc Frank Montoya in fourth.

Watching these riders claw their way to the finish was awe-inspiring, sketchy and hilarious, all rolled into a boardercross-on-acid, balls out collision course massacre after Heiskari broke the tape to take home the win.

Stay tuned to snowboardermag.com for the final results of America's Next Top Pro Model, brought to you by SNOWBOARDER Magazine, Jack Links, Windells and The House, and for videos of the event, hitting early next week.