Cross Examination: HOOKER

I was back on the stand. Several other witnesses had testified since I’d been there but I had no way of knowing what they’d said. If I was as much of a Hacker Ninja as they claimed, then I would have returned in the night to bug the place. But alas, I was too busy assuaging my anger with violent zombie shows and multiple episodes of Revenge—a show about a girl whom I’m pretty sure my ex’s entire legal defense was based upon.

My ex had been banished to his time-out spot in the hallway, though I could hear him rustling about and sighing dramatically. The state trooper stood against the wall between us and I tried not to imagine too many different ways that this could end like an episode of The Walking Dead.

Bitch Lawyer had had a few days to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t quite as idiotic as she’d clearly assumed. She’d probably also realized that my ex was a compulsive liar with epic delusions of grandeur. It wouldn’t be as easy to screw with her this time.

“Ms. Lorens,” she said politely, “please turn to Exhibit D-9.”

I opened the binder, wondering if she was finally going to have me talk about the Sprint Records she’d had a meltdown over last time.

Wit escaped me. In that moment, I almost lost my ability to view it all as a game. I was sitting in a courtroom, surrounded by professionals, and being forced to stare at an explicit photo I’d taken in a private moment a year and a half before. Her goal was to shame me and it was almost working.

“This is the photo that I sent to Mr. Psycho Ex while we were dating, that he then sent to my coworkers using a pre-paid phone.”

I tried to give her my best “yes, you terrible person” face along with my answer.

She began in on her old questioning of why someone like myself would ever allow such a photo to be taken but the judge interrupted her and told her she’d already gone over this line of questioning. She switched gears.

“Ms. Lorens, is it true that while you worked on the wards, a patient thought you were a prostitute?”

“The patients thought I was a great number of things—their mother, an alien, their daughter, a ball of energy wearing a human skin-suit, but yes, I was once called a prostitute.”

“And why do you think that is? Why would she call YOU a prostitute?”

“Because I work in a psychiatric hospital and she had paranoid schizophrenia. Many of the patients thought Mr. Psycho Ex was Obama, if that helps you understand.”

She looked me up and down.

“Ms. Lorens, were you not disciplined for dressing provocatively at work?”

My employers’ attorney finally pulled her head out from her arse and objected to this, saying I was not there to defend the way I dress. The judge agreed that she was “uncomfortable” with the line of questioning and asked where it was going.

“Judge, I will demonstrate that Ms. Lorens sexual indiscretions were known hospital –wide and that she has a very obvious pattern of seductive behavior.”

“You can answer the question,” the judge said to me, “but stay on topic,” she added for Bitch Lawyer.

“No,” I said, “I have never been under discipline of any kind. A nurse—who was not my superior, and who worked on a different shift, told me that I shouldn’t work in a psych hospital because of the way I looked—“

Bitch Lawyer interrupted, “because you wear revealing clothing.”

“No,” I said, “she told me it was because I had long legs and big boobs.”

The entire courtroom reveled in the delicious silence of the moment, but she wasn’t done.

“Ms. Lorens, you’re an attractive woman.”

That’s not a question, but here’s one: Will you find it attractive when I leap across this room and punch you in the face with my slutty little fists?

“… you’re willing to admit that you enjoy receiving attention from men, right?”

“I wouldn’t say so, no.”

“And yet you’ve slept with several men whom you work with.”

“No…”

“You were romantically involved with Beau, isn’t that right?”

She’d already gone over this when questioning me about why I’d broken up with Psycho Ex. Apparently he claimed that I had been cheating on him off and on with half a dozen other men we worked with and that after we broke up I’d dated Beau, the guy who’d received one of my naked photos from the pre-paid phone.

“No, definitely not.”

“You’re claiming that you didn’t date Beau?”

“No, never.”

She moved on to question me about Ray—the internal affairs investigator who’d interviewed me and prepared the report that got my ex fired. Apparently we’d been making the beast with two backs as well and it was all part of the wider conspiracy. I could almost feel my ex putting on a tin foil hat in the hallway, the shit was getting that deep around my ankles. All I could do was continuously answer “No,” try not to laugh, and question how anyone could possibly have enough free time to bone that many people.

“And what about Bradley, you broke up Mr. Psycho Ex so you could date him, isn’t that right?”

Bradley was married to a woman who’d received my naked photo with a message saying I could steal her husband any time I wanted. She was 8 months pregnant at the time but had dated Psycho Ex a few years before. I’d never worked with Bradley because he was in a different building on a different shift.

“No,” I said firmly, “I broke up with Mr. Psycho because he was abusive and had paranoid delusions like the one’s you’re bringing up.

Later that day, Bradley would take the stand and be questioned about the night his wife received the photo of me. It had come from an unknown number and she’d immediately begun to cry, refusing to show him the photo. They both took turns calling and texting the pre-paid number, trying to figure out who it was.

When Bitch Lawyer got her shot at cross-examining him, she assumed he would admit to our supposed affair, but he didn’t.

“I hardly know her,” he said.

“And what is your opinion of Ms. Lorens?”Bitch Lawyer asked

“Well, she seems nice enough. I know she does a lot of overtime because she’s a single Mom.”

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” The judge asks.

“She works a lot of extra shifts, mostly as a med nurse. She has a little girl, that’s all I really know. Everyone seems to like her.”

They would eventually realize that despite the fact we supposedly used to bang, Bradley had no idea who I was. In a wonderful case of mistaken identity, he’d gotten me mixed up with another redhead, an LPN named Sarah who worked the dayshift.

I was now a Hacker Ninja Hooker… Nurse? It became more of a circus with each passing day but my employers’ attorney cautioned me to prepare for the worst. The burden of proof was on us to show that he had sent those photos. As of yet, I hadn’t been allowed to testify about the Virgin Mobile records and Bitch Lawyer was bringing in a “Sprint Expert” to prove that mine were fake. Luckily, I had the ultimate expert on my side—Google.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Which TV show does your life most resemble? (Zombies? Corrupt socialites? Government conspiracies?) What’s the most deliciously shocking moment you’ve created with a single reply?

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I guess I was just so into it that I didn’t want it to pause here. Oh wait, nevermind, I think I have you mistaken for that OTHER redheaded Blogger woman with the crazy stories and extremely humorous delivery. LOL. You rock Aussa. Keep Inspiring.

Okay, finally! Really know how to torture an innocent little Follower, doncha?? This is so great. I cannot count the number of sterling phrases you use! But this took the cake….
“The patients thought I was a great number of things—their mother, an alien, their daughter, a ball of energy wearing a human skin-suit, but yes, I was once called a prostitute.”
LOL! And your slutty little fists! And your naked, flexible self. What a riot. I am on the floor. My dog is staring at me going, “Get off my floor.”

I do confess to feeling very ashamed by getting so entertained with your accounting of what surely was a grueling, anguishing experience. But you’ll have to write it in a more somber tone for me to stop amusing my poodle.

Okay and now I am laughing out loud at the thought of your dog telling you to get off it’s floor. My dog is too busy snoring in the corner to be bothered by my laughing at the moment! And… no worries on being entertained by my misery– I wouldn’t be writing about it if I didn’t also find it a bit entertaining myself. It’s a coping strategy 😉

Whoa. This definitely reads like something from a tv show.So crazy! I dunno how you sat there and took that line of questioning. .Its actually properly ridiculous! I am always mistaken for my more sporting successful younger sister. People always come up to me calling out my sisters name and congratulating me on some match. I have to awkwardly go, nope, not me… i feel ashamed at my lack sporting triumphs…. Ha

So funny! You guys really look that similar? That blows my mind, I can’t imagine what that is like (no sisters for me). I’ve had some friends like that before… where you felt like you had to kind of squint and hesitate before calling out to them. Oh man…. I feel a doppleganger post coming on…

Well we are quite different but I guess at first glance we both look similar. Plus she keeps copying my hair style. Which is annoying… Oh yus! Do it! Fun! Another annoying comparison is that people say look like Kristin Stewart because I’m dark and pale and of my “apathetic look” . I’m pretty sure thats not a compliment!

Apathetic look, how funny! I’ve always gotten Drew Barrymore and Uma Thurman but in the last couple years people have said Khloe Kardashian. WHAT! I think it’s the way I talk… I saw a video of myself talking and I was like “nooooo! It’s all true!”

My voice is soooo bad, can’t even handle it. But there’s something about my mouth… that is very Khloe K. (<— what did I just do there?) I am only willing to admit that on the internet, in person I usually just break down into tears and make people recant for saying so.

You’re definitely not a nobody, and even more of a somebody for not watching TV 🙂 I don’t ooown a TV but I am still an incredible Netflix binger. I will justify it by doing laundry or cleaning at the same time but really… I’m just a junkie. Netflix and Nutella, my downfalls.

I just truly wish this was a work of fiction for so many reasons. It sucks that anyone needs to go through the original bullshit! Then It is utterly ridiculous to have to relive it in court! Finally, to have to restrain oneself from bitch-slapping lawyers that have no clue what the fuck they are doing is one insult too many! (I was on a jury once where I wanted to repeatedly kick a defense lawyer that purposely confused the last name of a witness to try to make us think she was related to the victim and therefore lying!)

I think I’d get kicked off of a jury like that, I’d be so angry or subversive. Defense attorneys… *shudder* Someone has to do it I guess. That’s cool that you got to be on a jury for a trial that was actually kind of intense sounding. I’m so glad there wasn’t a jury for this one… It was just the judge. That would have been 10X more embarrassing..

It was a murder trial… at least the 2nd trial as one (or more, we never knew) ended in a mistrial(Hung jury). Definitely an interesting experience. We spent more time in the jury room waiting for them to argue on admissibility and motions than we spent in the courtroom hearing evidence! He got convicted of manslaughter… many of us pushed for murder but one woman was too scared to vote murder. So the judge gave him 40 years (max sentence). Murder would have been in the 25 to life range. Manslaughter was a 10-40 range. I would do it again but I likely would never get on a jury now with being on narcotics for pain for the rest of my life.

Wow, a murder trial. That’s so intense. Sounds like 40 years should probably do it, unless he was super young.

They spent a boring amount of time arguing over admission of evidence and motions as well. I would just sit there with a glazed over expression, trying not to do anything that could be misconstrued later if someone were to look at the video from the camera pointed in my face. So awkward.

You and me both! I think we should become screenwriters and start our own Lifetime Movie Network except we can call it the Shittime Movie Network.
Oh, that was way negative.
But it just came flowing out… haha

Haha well, the book that Mark has read is about the year I traveled and all the various traumas regarding that but I’m toying with the idea of writing one about the psych ward/all of this… it sounds beyond intriguing… I’m thinking to begin this fall, perhaps.

I just got this during my last hour at work – BEST READING EVER for that horrible 45 minutes before you get off! (on a 10 hour day no less) Love it. The GIFs you picked were seriously perfect!
I almost did a double take when I read the single mom thing – I was like “Wait whaaaa?? Aussa has never mentioned a daughter???” and then turns out he mixed you up with someone… oh man haha. Way to rub it in the ex’s face albeit unintentionally!

I DIED when I heard that that was what had happened. So freeeaaaaking funny, I mean… we couldn’t have come up with something so perfect even if it HAD all been a conspiracy. I find it amazing that he had managed to make it all the way through being subpoenaed to testify (his wife was too, but she was on bedrest) and STILL not actually know who I am. Priceless.

What a circus this bitch lawyer created! I’m almost surprised that the judge held in her laughter that long. Lol. Good for you – you kept your cool and I loved your comment about how psycho ex made up weird stories like the ones that the bitch lawyer kept bringing up. Looking forward to your next installment! 😛

My life went from resembling a dark comedy to a psychological thriller to a drama. It’s been interesting these past two years.

I looked for every opportunity to throw those comments in, like little jabs in her rib cage. And my boyfriend said that the judge would actually look at him every so often and give him this sort of “you poor thing” smile. How funny is that? I had no clue, she seemed pretty serious most of the time, if not annoyed.

And geeze, by that description of your life it most definitely sounds interesting. Psychological thriller? Yikes, Sara…

That is so funny how the judge reacted. 🙂 and you did so well with those perfectly placed jabs in the lawyer’s ribs.

Um yes… the psycho logical thriller portion of my life began with my nearly 7 foot tall sociopath coworker who first disguised himself as a friend… what hell he created for me. Grateful for just the drama genre ruling my life at present. 😉

I literally gasped with happiness when I saw you had posted this! I have three daughters, one gets told by strangers that she looks like Julia Stiles, one is a ringer for Anne Hathaway, and one for Kristin Dunst. They are all beautiful (if I say so myself). I’m not sure where they got the beauty genes. Once I was looking at a picture of my husband and kids sitting outside a museum while we were sightseeing in Washington DC — there was a little old man sitting next to my husband and I was wondering who he was — until I realized the little old man was really me. Sigh — I must work on my posture and start wearing my hair down more often.

For a second I was like “Oh my god she has a daughter that she has never even hinted at?!” But that was just because it took me a second to think rationally through my fury at this fucking lawyer. I hope this story ends in some kind of karmic retribution for her.

Also, what the fuck is up with victim blaming all of a sudden? It’s everywhere I look.

Dude, it’s really perverse that I scroll through my reader and see that you’ve once again spilled another chapter of what was – I’m sure – quite a harrowing period of your life, and I’m all *eats popcorn* about it…

Buuuut, as always, you killed it – both in the stand and in blog form.

Well I just so happen to enjoy entertaining you in a perverse way.
Wait.
Don’t quote that out of context.

THAT was the comment where I nearly died, right there. And then I recalled you saying something about not taking the sickies well… yep, I have a head cold… and I’m still not dead yet! It’s not fair! (No, wait, I’ll explain more in another comment, hee hee)

I want more. Now. I’m beyond even saying please. I want the rest of the story.

My best/worst courtroom experience:

Tripe AAA had knelt between my car and the one parked in front of mine and stolen the plates off the back of it and the front of mine. He applied these plates to his car, and with no license or insurance or registered vehicle, proceeded to joy ride through town. He obviously got arrested and in court this happened.

Judge: Based on your past record, I am going to sentence you to 10 weekends to be served in the county jail.

Me (In the courtroom audience section): What?!

Judge: Did you have something to add, Ma’am?

Me: Yes. You’re a moron.

Judge: I could throw you in jail for that.

Me: If I had a record over an inch thick and said it, would it earn me weekends like this guy, or because I’ve never been arrested do I get to do some actual time? I want to make sure I get it straight.

And I was asked to leave the courtroom. . .and by asked, I mean escorted.

WHAT?!?! You can be sentenced to weekends in jail????? No. Really? What the hell, was the judge his father, haha? That is the absolute weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. I love that you called him out on it. 10 weekends in jail = “you’re grounded, no TV” That is so odd.

You can. In fact, he was sentenced to weekends numerous times. They basically check in on Friday and get out on Sunday. It’s like a punishment, but only sort-of. And yes. . .I called him out. I was furious. I wanted someone to finally stand up and punish this man.

It was two years later and multiple other arrests before anyone gave him serious time. He’d been in and out of the system since he was 14 and no one cared.

Basically. I figure if I had done half of what he did, I’d still be rotting in there. Turns out, he’s up for parole. . .after having a shoot out a few years ago. . .with a police officer. I just don’t get it.

I hope so, too. Regardless, your court story is amazing. I know it was hell to go through, but I think you left on top. You made him look like a “foil hat wearing” fool and you kicked bitch lawyer’s ass. And hey, you left with an amazing story.

What are you doing here? Is this the end of the season where you leave me hanging? Am I not to know what Aussa says next? Must I guess at who calls Aussa an Obamacare-loving socialist first? Do I have to wait for the next damn installment?

Do not mess with me. I can trump up charges, too you know. Tell me the rest of your damn story! Your damn fascinating, funny, scary, bizarre story. FAST!

Hahahaha! Oh how I WISH they had managed to also call me a socialist in the middle of this whole fiasco! That was a fun game after it was all over: Trying to think of the few things she DIDNT accuse me of.

Next installment will be here soon and shortly after that maybe I’ll even give you closure 😉 Or, well, kind of.

Awesome! Your court-room demeanor is inspiring – the Psycho’s lawyer bitch didn’t shake you once – even with the naked pictures. And your response –“Long legs and big boobs” was perfect! It is a hoot to read your run-in with the legal system. When the judge laughs, you know you’re winning.

You asked “What’s the most deliciously shocking moment you’ve created with a single reply?” Well, I have to admit that my answer to that would be that in my case, it wasn’t a reply so much as a reaction that marks my most shocking moment. Ha! I was newly hired as a shipping dock supervisor and the position had not existed before. So, the shippers and drivers were a bit upset that they were now reporting to me and they were acting very passive/aggressive or just plain aggressive. I’m a big boy (6’3” and 250 lbs) so I don’t scare easily, but I don’t believe in violence and it pisses me off when someone else uses it. There was one lead shipper – John – in particular that was looking for a fight and he could get quite physical. The mgmnt had given me a temporary desk just off the shipping floor and I was sitting doing necessary paperwork for a driver who was waiting to leave with a load. John came up behind me and demanded that I come look at something on the dock right away. I told him I would be two minutes, in order to get the driver on his way. John insisted and he put his arm around my throat as he stood behind me. I pushed it away and told him to stop and once again that I would be right with him. I knew what was coming next, so when he repeated once more that I had to come RIGHT NOW – and then wrapped his arm around my throat seriously this time – I just dropped my chin down to my chest and opened my mouth wide. His arm went right in my mouth and I chomped down as hard as I could – breaking the skin on his arm. He jumped back and screamed “JESUS CHRIST YOU BIT ME!!!”. I just kept doing the paperwork as I told him the company would pay for a taxi to the hospital to get that wound stitched and get his shots. He did. Ha! He and the others treated me with a great deal more respect after that. That was 20 years ago and even to this day you can see the teeth marks in his arm.

My jaw dropped so far. You bit him?! That is beyond hilarious but it is super weird and disturbing that he was A: touching you in general and B: pretty much choking you.
What a bizarre story! But it totally fits in with my “win all future fights” sort of mentality. You have to show them that they don’t ever want to come back for more.

Technically, I just closed my jaws and he had placed his arm in my jaws – so I see that as his issue. That only ever happened once in my life (and that’s enough) and you are exactly right – it won all future battles. Our team went on to be one of the safest, most efficient, most cost effective in the distribution center (actually in our city – the govt has this program where the safest companies have their Govt worker insurance paid by the most unsafe).

Aussome, you bloody legend! I love it when I’m trying really, really hard to get 4th and final piece of my latest series out with all the distress and intensity of a cat that’s managed to hack a giant fur ball only half way up and then I get a little notification in the bottom left hand corner of my screen that says two things to me, 1. Aussa’s awake (yaayy), and 2. that I must stop moving on with my own pathetic existence until I have thoroughly devoured Aussa’s latest misadventure with sanity. I love that you have that affect on a bunch of us out here in WordPress Land.

Oh yeah, I’ve got about a hundred twins! I’ve had entire conversations with people and then when asked by someone who that was I’ve had to admit I’ve had no idea…just smile and wave, smile and wave.

When I was Pastoring a mate got me to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter because he was always trying to find ways to reconcile the seeming disparate images of me preaching the Gospel from the pulpit with all the stories of me choking the living shit out of some mysogynistic parasite or drug-addled dealer and then talking to them about Jesus afterwards…I stopped all that stuff now. Now, my life is more like Walter Mitty.

Haha! Love that you celebrate my being awake! I remember back when I used to post at about midnight, you were almost always one of the first to comment 🙂 Time zone difference, for the win!

Oh and I keep checking in for Part 4 so be quick about it, already!

That’s funny that you keep on with the conversations even though you don’t know them. You would be fantastic on the Psych Ward, that’s basically the job description– you just allow yourself to be whoever they think you are for the moment.

I haven’t seen Dog the Bounty Hunter but I know well enough about it based on my brothers’ fandom a few years ago! I think it makes perfect sense to talk about Jesus and then kick some lowlife’s ass 🙂

Oh– and I didn’t know this Walter Mitty reference but I googled it and it looks like I have another movie to see. After Liam Neeson. OMG NEXT WEEKEND.

I like the whole banter thing that happens when author and commenter are up at the same time, mostly I have to wait till the next day due to the time difference with me on the west coast of Western Australia, but you’re only 2 hours behind me which puts you in the middle of China or Russia or something?

I’m pushing with Part 4 but today’s my last day off before going back to the salt mines, so if I don’t publish something today it will likely not happen till I’m off again Wednesday…apologies in advance.

I used to go to the trouble of correcting people but you know what you’re up against when they’re telling you that you’re not who you say you are, you’re who they think you are, and then react all weird depending on how awkward they feel. Now I let them drive until they either figure out I have no idea who/what they’re talking about and back out, dignity in tact, or have a nice convo with an old acquaintance and happily wander off to tell someone they caught up with so and so.

Yeah, that’s what I reckon, who better to threaten you with meeting your Maker than someone who knows Him all up close and personal and that?

Walter Mitty is a book we had to read in Primary School by James Thurber, my Princess described the new Ben Stiller movie to me, not sure it’s the same thing. Basically he was an unfulfilled, oppressed dreamer…

A new hooker ninja story = highlight of my day. I wish my life was either like Nashville or Game of Thrones, cause I’m sure I was supposed to be a medieval witch or a country music star instead of a frazzled kid wrangler who’s been wearing the same pj pants for three days.

I love this comment so much I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, I hate pants but when I wear them I wear the same ones for like a week straight hahahahaha
Second! I haven’t seen Nashville but Game of Thrones *SWOON* I am actually pretty sure that my workplace is exactly like Game of Thrones… it’s on my list of things to think about extensively but from my few brief ruminations it seems pretty dead on…

If I had to choose a TV show that was like my life, I’d have to say Suburgatory. Except that instead of being a witty high school student living with her father, I’m a witty, but sometimes socially awkward, 20-something. Still kicking it in the ‘burbs rolling my eyes at all the stupidity, though. That’s Suburgatory for you.

Also, I say random things every day that generates significant reactions. I must be too pure to understand, because 50% of what I say at work is taken as an innuendo. That’s cool though. The more my co-workers and I laugh about balls, the less work I have to do. I think I’m the victor in that situation.

I’ve seen a few episodes of that show forever ago, I can totally see that. Oh suburban life… and innuendo. Gosh, that reminds me of the good ol’ days working at AT&T when “that’s what she said” was an every-3-seconds phenomenon.

I’ve only seen a few episodes myself, but none of the other shows I watch match my life. I have never gone back and forth between two hot brothers who I love. Nor have I worked as an assassin, then come to regret my actions and lived the rest of my life as a wanderer. So, basically my life is boring/normal. Is there a TV………

Omg…. it just hit me.

I change my mind. My life, at least when I’m around my parents, is exactly like American Dad. The father is exactly like my father.

“My naked, flexible self” LOLOL. Nice. Now I have an *extra special* visual.
Do you thank your lucky stars every single day for this blog gold? I mean, not that anyone wants a psycho stalker, but jeezuz, this is SO fun to read.

Beth I only just now saw this comment, ARGH! This has happened several times in the last day or so, how frustrating, grrrrrr. Well– I’m glad I gave you a visual of my flexible self. I have to admit… I’m less flexible now than I was back in my naked selfie days… But no one has to know that, ssshhhhh.

This is still riveting as I shake my head in disbelief. Sheesh, I couldn’t even make this stuff up for my fiction writing. My life resembles a very dull, bitchy TV housewife called Debra Barone (but with no kids). Perhaps you’ve heard of her. I say shocking things to my in-laws every time I see them. They are the kind of people who see through rose colored glasses. When someone points out the obvious truth … that would be me … they gasp and look at me like I just landed from Mars. That’s about as exciting as it gets for me.

Hahaha no, I haven’t heard of this Debra Barone but I definitely like picturing you putting the in-laws through all sorts of scandal. Rose Colored glasses have just NEVER looked good on me, I can’t wear them.

I am glad to be relatively free of drama (any that happens tends to be my fault), although the place that I thought would still stir some drama just gave me a head cold instead.

Place? Why yes, the SF/fantasy/gaming convention called RadCon. I don’t live in the big city. I don’t live in suburbia. I simply live in an “emerging area” that’s small enough that most all the gaming/geek community knows each other. My daughter really wanted to go, and I was afraid I’d run into people I really didn’t want to see or talk to, including crazy exes. None of that happened… well, I did see an ex, but she seemed not to recognize me. Good thing. I probably would have said something unfortunate like, “How did you get so… erm, wide?”

Nope, just a head cold. Now, the circumstances that required me to hire a defense lawyer almost 15 years ago… well, that will just have to be a story for another day. Maybe a guest post if you’re feeling particularly plucky and up for it?

Ugh, I’m sorry you’re sick. I hate being sick. I would be the character in a zombie apocalypse movie that survives all of the slashing and biting and then dies of indigestion. Wait… who was that guy… Atilla the Hun? I think he died from constipation or something like that. Yes, that’s me– Atilla the Hun.

I’ve got a few guest posters lined up for the coming months– you should write that story and link it back to one of my stalker posts so I’ll be sure to see it…

The drama turns into a comedy of mistaken identity. Classic. The dude couldn’t pick you out of a lineup and your crazy ex’s lawyer still thinks you were involved with him. Aussa, when do we get to the chapter where you sue the crazy ex for defamation of character and clean out his hidden bank account?

I know! It was precious. Another part I didn’t include was the fact that Beau hasn’t worked at the hospital in over a year and no one could track him down to have him testify– Bitch Lawyer kept reaming me about “knowing where he is” like I was harboring a fugitive or something. Incredible.

And oooo I certainly wish a hidden bank account was a part of this story!!!!

I haven’t heard of Being Mary Jane but oooooh OLIVIA POPE. Oh my gosh, Scandal was a major Netflix binge. I discovered that show and then immediately took ill for a few days. Just long enough to watch every single episode…

This story is so interesting and compelling. I’m sorry you had to live it though! And I’ve never heard of making the beast with two backs?! I could’ve spit out my coffee. 🙂 Also, how the hell do you find such perfect gifs?

Bahahaha I don’t recall where I first heard that saying but I think I was super slow about figuring out just exactly what it meant. I’ve been incapable of NOT using it ever since. And I just google for the gifs! Sometimes I know what I want, other times I google exactly what I was thinking or feeling and look for a gif that is tagged that way. It’s basically like the internet *gets* me.

I was shopping at Macy’s recently and somebody came up to me and called me sir because they thought I worked there. I think they thought I was an employee because of my black peacoat covered in snow, fu manchu, and backwards hat. Like you, it was a case of mistaken identity.

Well, I hope the clock’s arm isn’t pointed to Mortal Peril in my case, then. I like the idea of being a Weasley. Or Nicole Kidman. She’s occasionally a redhead. That could count. I like being me, too. I figure you wouldn’t be telling this story if you hadn’t beaten Psycho Ex with a stick, but I am awfully happy to read the updates, and see it’s still trending in the direction I thought it would. As for the naked pix, why do people get so excited about the naked female form? Dang! Calm down and do some yoga or something.

Wouln’t it be ironic if your psycho ex be admitted to the psych ward as a patient for his delusions. 30 years working there, 6 months from pension. And a year to cook up his defense to win his life back. Resolved to being a mad man scribbling in a notebook the next gameplan for his crackpot bitch lawyer.

I’m not sure how you managed to keep it all together through this complete shit show, but I can’t wait to read the rest!

I haven’t really ever been mistaken for someone else and I can’t say that my life resembles any tv show, but I have been told – often enough that I’ve started to think that it might be true – that I frequently come across like Shirley MacLaine. I think (I hope?) people mean that I’m sarcastic like her, not that I sit around counting my past lives. 😉

Haha I know that feeling of being at a loss for words– thank you for leaving a comment nonetheless, it is always nice to know that people are reading 🙂 And… believe me, it’s feeling more and more like a book that needs to be written…

I had a hard time staying focused…It wasn’t the writing….the writing was brilliant…….

Pretty sure it’s the long legs and big boobs, ya damn hooker!…..It’s like, JUST THE WAY YOUR BODY IS….or something.
Who do you think you ARE? Writing stories and stuff with your red hair and legs and boobs….. being all…uh……. leggy… and booby…and red…haired………../trails off, no longer able to even attempt to build off a sentence so idiotic…(it’s actually quite difficult to sound that STUPID…)

The WAY you write is what gets me…It’s artfully done…I KNOW you are being truthful…It’s just these people just sound SO NOT FOR REAL…I amazed you could keep it together in the court and not do that kind of out-of-control laughing…I would have been snorting and heehawing like a donkey in heat. The kind of laughing you do with friends when you HURT afterwards and pee a little.

Either way, I KNOW I would have been held in contempt of court for “hysterical-unstoppable-O-Sweet- Jeezus-this-beotch-lawyer-is-so-stupid-how-does-she-dress-herself” laughter. Not kidding. Contempt of court. Jail time.

You are clearly a strong individual. Even with all the legs and boobs and red hair and stuff.

I know that out of control laughing feeling VERY well. I don’t really know how I kept it together… it was just this overwhelming feeling that I must be very calm and strategic, like it was a game or a battle.

Lets say zombie socialites involved in institutionalized government conspiracies and acting like they are open minded and patient when all they want is to pick my bones out, mushmy innards and make a carousel out of my crucifixion

I would say Grey’s anatomy back when the relation between me and my mother was really strained. But right now my life doesn’t resemble any particular tv show.
Good answers by the way. Bitch lawyer is really such a bitch.

Haha Grey’s Anatomy is both an excellent and terrible show to have your life modeled after, I say. It’s probably good to be TV-show-resembling-free for a bit. I’m glad it sounds like things with your Mom are better now.

“How could I have been sleeping with any of these people? That would be like cheating on your mom…”
No TV, so no idea whether my life resembles any shows, but I apparently resembled a movie character so much that my film-making friend Carson had me watch the movie. The movie was Videodrome, and the character was a studio tech who, when the main character approaches him and asks “Have you been hallucinating lately?” replies “Should I have been?” Carson said that that was me to a T. The movie, however, was hella weird.

Wow. You’re one busy chick – all that with a kid as well!! 😉 I wouldn’t say I get mistaken for someone else a lot, but people always assume I have the same man-eating tendencies as my sister. For that, and many other reasons, my life has a scary resemblance to the episode of Walking Dead. Love, love, love your TV references!

Hahaha! Man eating, *badum-ching*
And I know… I’m certainly busy in the bedroom, eh? And even if I WERE banging half the hospital… it doesn’t change the fact he’s a total dick and that he was rightfully punished for what he did. *sigh*

Good God! I can’t believe there is a woman who woukd say it would be your own fault if you got raped. I think it woyld be her fault if she got slapped. After all, it’s not your fault you’re a hotty :0)

This ongoing story is by far my favourite drama around. Can’t wait to see how it all ends.

i just love the story so much. and sorry you had to actually live it. too bad you couldn’t make them re-enact the photo in the courtroom with the bitchlawyer playing you in your flexible pose. i am so pumped up for the miniseries, though i’m beginning to doubt that we can get hallmark cards as a sponsor. we may have to go with someone a bit more open minded and edgy.

And– I reeeaaaally don’t think so. He told me later that he didn’t know who I was and his wife had said “you know, that tall redhead who works on the units” and so he’d assumed I was her. This nurse was probably 15-20 years my senior but she did have long red hair so I can see it making sense!

Quick aside: One year I attended the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was sub-zero out. My friend, who worked for British Airlines at the time, was carrying a paper bag that was making a lot of clinking noises. We got to the parade and he started pulling out tiny airline-sized bottles of Harveys Bristol Cream that he had just liberated from a plane. Now, THAT’S a fringe benefit!

Hahaha! That’s hilarious. My psycho ex used to steal toilet paper from work which I found embarrassing and fucking awkward (I just noticed it under his sink one day and was like REALLY?!) but pocket shots? Heck yeah, pass me one.

I get mistaken for a person that gives a dam on a regular basis. My daughters friends say I look like Daniel Craig. I recon they are referring to that scene where he’s been given a good beating shot and has spent several weeks necking vodka Martini

I try my best to not watch TV, and so there are vast slabs of popular social culture that I’m oblivious to. Is there a series that depicts a slow motion train crash? If so that might fit.

As for shocking replies, there are many ( far too many) times when i become aware that what’s being thought in my head has just come out of my mouth. Sometimes its in context, sometimes deserved, but there are times when its totally random (Recently I’d read an Australian medical journal about a guy who had crashed down on his cross bar whilst mountain biking. He’d turned up at A&E 7 weeks later complaining of an unremitting erection since his accident) these random outbursts usually occur when I’ve got bored with listening to people talk in meetings & my brain goes spinning off. In this instance I’d just worked out that this guy had had a hard-on for 1,176 hours, and I thought that my exclamation of surprise /admiration had been contained in my head…it hadn’t!

Anyway, stop reading my babble and write the next installment as I can’t wait!

This just keeps getting better and better. Bitch L knew she was in trouble from the beginning. Add to that an obvious jealousy and bitterness that you’re beautiful AND smart…well, she just needs to go find her mean girl club and do something else for a living. Being mistaken for someone else in this scenario is just priceless…I’ll be old psycho boy was really squirming. I’m loving your recap, Aussa–you are truly a talented and awesome chica!

I wish I had found a way to call her a mean girl/quote mean girls. That would have looked so freaking beautiful in the court transcript… *sigh* To be able to go back in time…

And! I can’t imagine the sorts of things he was thinking and feeling out in the hallway… I could hear him sighing, stomping, and making this awful click noise with his mouth so I have a feeling he wasn’t in the best of moods.

Aussa, the fact that you came out the other side of this (and I’m fairly confident in the knowledge that you are going to kill us with the rest) is a miracle – what a strong & amazing person you are – congratulations on NOT letting an arsehole get you down!!

Thank you! I’ll tell you, I’ve definitely been a wreck off and on throughout this whole process but at some point you just have to make a decision to not let something define you, to not let someone have that much power over your life.

I play an amazing straight (wo)man in the comedy that is my life. My one-liners are the finale of many conversations. I say the things other people think and will not say.
I really related to your “OH, IT’S ME! I’M SUCH A WHORE! STONE ME!” line of thought, because I would actually say that. Not in court, but you know, around. 😉

Ermahgerd. Mega self-five for sure. I would have definitely fork stabbed that attorney by now. Way to show restraint!

PS – This woman makes me very sad to work in the legal industry. I know she’s just doing her job and everyone deserves a defense but she is not doing it right. I would punch her in the twat if I ever saw her…

For real. I feel like there were so many things she could have done differently that would probably have actually helped to defend him or paint him in a better light but good lord. Just wait until I tell you about the people SHE subpoenaed to testify ON HIS BEHALF. Oh my gosh, I die.

That 70’s Show is sooo good, I’ve not seen all of them but every so often I’ll catch an old rerun and it’s so stupidly funny. I’ve not seen “All In The Family” though… but I’m glad it gives you fond memories, it sound like.

Hahaha I don’t know, I just always say arse… somewhere along the way it got integrated into my regular vocab. Apparently equally odd words are:
“Queue”
and the pronunciation of “either” as “iiiiiiiether”

Pretty sure my life is that like a brainless zombie. multiplied by a lawyer. So slower than and dumber than a regular zombie. and honestly that biatch lawyer of his need to get laid. Ohh wait I know the ward.. bet with her dress she looks just like a hooker to.
And how embarrassing to see your pic sized up..again…

yeah sorry hormones playing up.. thinking life size god i am a sleaze. hehe okay i am worstthatn that.. so sue me… that i think live.

but yeah not sure what she is getting at. you go and bury that ass.. wait you already did. ha ha

holy shit, girl. Your ex needs to be given that kind of medication that makes people zombies and admitted into the psych ward. He definitely sounds like that kind of guy who just lies out his ass all the time and doesn’t even know what the truth is any more. I dated a guy like that. I didn’t catch him in his lies until he started getting into alcohol and got lazy about it. ick.

Ha, I would certainly feel much safer if he were sedated– that’s for sure. And you know… he was an alcoholic and had (supposedly) been sober for several years until just before we got together. He drank more and more as time went on and I think that was to be blame for a lot of the asshattery we’ve seen.

Wooahh, quite a story you got there. I hope everything worked out fine in the end 🙂
And I always enjoy the photos you put up in between the articles. Your life seems like its out of a Hollywood movie. Have you ever thought of writing a book?

I’ve been A witness in a couple of trials. In one case I was only deposed. I wanted to get out quickly because I have a DMV appointment, and figured that if I came across as wanting to be as helpful as possible to the other side, that I would get out quickly. It worked. And I didn’t have to hurt my side because I didn’t really know much of anything, anyway.

Another time I was on the witness stand and the other side had come up with a theory that was completely wrong and the attorney ended up hurting her case as she questioned me.

So funny. That must be the ultimate “oh shit” moment for an attorney! All of these little theories are so amusing… it seems like they should do a better job of looking into them before opening up a can of worms in the courtroom.

I would have been tempted to mess with her the whole way. Like, at every question she presented/asked…condescendingly raise an eyebrow and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand the question. Can you please reword that?” …then glance elegantly at my watch as if to say “And DO make it brief, dear.”

gahh So glad this is in your…PAST. High five indeed for getting through such nastiness.

It honestly was quite fun to do that… and I think I learned a valuable lesson: It becomes the other person’s problem if you don’t understand what they’re saying. If you just put that burden on them… you take the power back. I try not to be manipulative in my regular business dealings but it is an effective play when necessary.

You are the queen of the cliffhangers, Aussa! Do you think you looked like the other redhead?
“What’s the most deliciously shocking moment you’ve created with a single reply?” This is an interesting question. Not sure about a reply, but with an action…I threw a plate of mashed potatoes at an ex-boyfriend, so unlike me, he couldn’t believe it. Unfortunately, it was in my house, so I got stuck cleaning up the mess.

Aaaaaagh I saw the email flash up but couldn’t read it until today… And I was so excited for the next installment… And then I felt bad because you had to go through all this crap so I shouldn’t be happy for the next installment…. And then I thought, if I could take back all the big bad that’s happened to you I would – even if it meant you never blogging and never finding your work…. But as it did all happen, I’m super happy you’re sharing and even more happy that you *kicked ass* all over the place!!!

Well, being the classy dame that I am, I once told a boss to ‘suck my dick’ as I was leaving the place of employment forever. I got a glowing letter of recommendation as you can imagine. I really, really, really wanna punch Psycho Ex. I can’t wait to find out what happens to him.

I think my life is one of those bullshit Lifetime Network movies. No matter how hard I try to rally against it.

One time a co-worker was giving me a hard time about not liking to be touched. He wouldn’t stop. He kept saying “Your parents must have touched you as a kid. They must have hugged you. Why don’t you like it? Didn’t your parents ever cuddle with you?” I didn’t want to say something awful but finally I just blurted out “My parents never touched me unless they were hitting me.” What followed was the most awkward silence of my life. Finally I just looked at him and said “Not everyone had your childhood.” And walked away. He never pushes me to talk about things anymore. So, I guess it was quite effective. Lesson learned.

Wow. The fact that your coworker would even say that is ridiculously inappropriate and just awkward. But man… I’ve been right there before. Though none of my coworkers ever try to touch me (except maybe the men in creepy shoulder squeeze ways *vomit*) but in high school/college I dealt with that all the time and people would think it was funny to be like “look!” and then try to touch or hug me so that I would react by pushing them away. You know people are just ignorant and not thinking about the wider implications of their behavior but it’s really rather cruel.

I know! I mean… he can be very convincing on his own, so I imagine she probably thought that this poor guy had been taken in by this young hooker who stomped on his heart, cheated on him, and then framed him to ruin his future. But I would imagine that by the end she probably wasn’t very happy with him… he was still her paycheck but he can’t pay her back for the pride that was likely wounded along the way.

This is just incredible. I am always so amazed that it’s permissible to move away from the facts of the case–that private photos were shared–but if you dress according to what someone else defines as provocative, then you don’t deserve any better. Troubling! Your ex really does sound like a piece of work! Do you feel safe at this point? I’m concerned for you!

Aw, yes I feel mostly safe now. I don’t think I’ll feel totally safe until I move out of the state (hopefully in the next year or so) but for the most part I’ve made enough changes and taken precautions to feel as safe and at peace as possible.

It really is crazy how they can deviate like that… I really wasn’t expecting it to be THAT much of a circus, I was naive in that regard. I obviously don’t watch enough courtroom drama TV or movies!

I love reading this story. You seem like you would be one of the most entertaining witnesses. Seriously want to slap bitch lawyer, but I guess she has to find some way of arguing on behalf on her client and I imagine she doesn’t have very many legitimate points to argue.

Right? At the end of the day I suppose she was doing her job, just grasping at straws. I think she believed what he said and didn’t know what to do after she got in there and all her questioning was no longer applicable or helpful… and my attitude probably didn’t exactly convince her to treat me kindly, haha. Thanks so much for reading along with the madness!

I just want to slap that attorney of your ex’s. Was your ex worth any of the crap you had to go through? Dumb question. Of course not. My ex, should he never get a moment’s peace, still to this day does not understand why I left him. Good stuff here. Lucy

Oh he was definitely NOT worth all this crap. I mean… maybe there were sooooome things that were good sometimes (if ya know what I mean) but no– totally not worth any of this. These types of men (your ex and mine) are like holes we occasionally wander into and have to take the time to climb out of before we can keep moving forward. Meanwhile, they will only ever be holes in the ground.

Oh, goodness me. The whole line of questioning about how you dated such and such isn’t that right? and in that case why did you break up as if it’s not obvious by the number of people he’s accused you of sleeping with? And then the answer to why they thought you were a prostitute. Because they were psychiatric patients.

On the other hand, can you *actually prove* you’re not a ball of energy wearing a human skin-suit?

Hahaha it doesn’t seem that far fetched to imagine her asking me if I were, in fact, wearing a human skin-suit. That’s not even a rare accusation at the psych ward! I was told that a LOT more than I was ever called a prostitute.

The sleeping around thing… just blows my mind. She tried to question me about my previous relationships too. Like WTF lady. I knew where she was going with that because I’d only been with one other guy before the psycho ex and it ended badly enough that I ran off to China. But it had nothing to do with this whole thing and I think she was just going to use it to try and upset and rile me up. Thankfully the judge shut her down on that one. Though I think I did actually manage to get a “REALLY?!” out first.

To be honest, with the skin-suit thing, the more I think about it (and I say this on the understand that you don’t know exactly where I live and in any case have no power to commit me) the more it makes sense. What is matter, when you get down to it?

Now I’m wondering what she would have said if you’d gone that route. Probably not advisable, under the circumstances. Probably better to act like you’re just this everyday person and the other guy’s the one who sounds like a psychiatric patient.

Seriously, though, E=MC squared and all that. Technically though the skin’s also energy.

You’re going to do that and then an actual scientist is going to metaphorically phantasmagorise me in front of everyone, and then s/he’ll complain about my use of the word “phantasmagories” and I won’t even be metaphorically there to defend myself.

On the plus side, after various jaunts around almost the entire internet, I finally got back to the thing where I had to register and vote for the post. That registration step is cruel.

Incredible… god I hate lawyers. I know that sounds awful, but I’ve been on the stand, and they are so crooked… but I guess that’s their job. Still can’t wait to see the end of this story. Seriously Aussa, this is beyond entertaining, no matter how much crap you had to put up with.

I’ve never been mistaken for someone else, though I do get the occasional “don’t I know you, i met you blah blah blah” thing, as though I have a doppelganger somewhere.

The whole concept of a doppleganger is just fascinating… I’ve seen people before whom I had to openly stare at (I mean, I suppose I didn’t HAVE TO but I made that choice) in order to figure out if it was really who I thought it was. I once showed up at a doc appointment in high school and was scolded because they thought I’d no-showed a few days earlier. Turns out they had me almost constantly confused with another patient and we had tons of overlapping stuff in our chart.

“The patients thought I was a great number of things—their mother, an alien, their daughter, a ball of energy wearing a human skin-suit, but yes, I was once called a prostitute.” …I was once accused of being ‘mentally deranged’ because of wearing glasses.

As for my life being a TV show? I would say it’s a combo: a cheaper and WAY less sexy version of CSI by day and a bit of The Middle and Modern Family (for the record I would not be Gloria) when I arrive home.

Man, you have a lot of free time on your hands! I need to learn to multi-task the way you do 🙂 All that sex with every employee (male and female, no doubt), day and night shifts, and with a child too! 🙂
How did this lawyer chick ever pass the bar?? Was she giving 50% off discounts and that’s how your crazy-ex was able to afford her? What the f***????

I’ll stay tuned for the continuing saga of this very awful experience of yours. I’m glad you’re able to laugh it off now. This was just horrible! Just make sure you keep the movie rights when Quentin Tarrantino produces it. 🙂

Ha! Right? When all the stuff went down at work with that nurse, I had to meet with the nurse management and one of them looked me up and down (incredulously) and was like “damn, they sure give you a lot of credit, don’t they?”

As far as affording her, that’s the best part… but we’ll get to that soon!

Can I tell you how much I admire that you openly and without shame speak of the pics of your — flexible — self? What you refer to as a private moment should’ve never been up for judgment and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure any of it. But I love your strength, your wit, and your deftness in turning it around and making it work for you. In a way, it’s a public service, because you are entertaining so many, and perhaps teaching something too, with your display of composure and (ninja) strength.

Thank you! It’s just crazy because for my entire life I have been an intensely private person. It used to cause an incredible strain on my close friendships because I preferred to share very little of what was going on in my life or in my head. For something like this to happen… was my worst nightmare. But when someone threatens to use something about you AGAINST you then all bets are off and the best route is to turn the tables. Hopefully it all works out in the end 😉

Thank you! That’s awesome that it feels like Breaking Bad… I watched the first couple seasons last month (before “House of Cards” came along and stole all my productivity!) and am honored to be compared to those cliffhangers which robbed me of many hours of sleep as I impulsively hit “next episode.”

*sigh*. Aussa. First let me tell you how impressive you are. You really are. Your composure, and your beautiful gift of storytelling and writing. (cause it’s one thing to be able to tell a story, and yet another to be able to write the story. As usual, I was right there in the room with you)

When I was going thru my divorce I reacted with anger too much, but you know, I was angry. Good thing my sister was there with me almost everytime, she kept me quite and calm. And I also hated the ex’s lawyer. I oftten wondered if he was sleeping with her as payment for legal services. Maybe that was psycho’s payment plan also.

As for sleeping with everyone, that’s me. If I talk to someone, it is quite obvious that sex is involved. At least that was the talk at a bar I frequent. I don’t know how that conclusion is reached except that if the conversation can’t be heard, you get to make it up. I wish I got 1/4 the action it was believed I do.

As for your safety, I would think psycho should understand by now that you are a force to be reckoned with, and maybe he should play nice and just go away and leave you alone

I think you may be onto something with this whole lawyer/client sleeping together thing… I would NOT be surprised.

That’s nuts that you’ve also been accused/suspected of sleeping with the world. It’s such a peculiar female affliction, this assumption. And your 1/4 the action comment made me laugh out loud! I remember saying things like that, like… well, I’m sure I’d be a lot less stressed if that were the case!

I’m hoping he knows to stay far away by now… he didn’t seem to have learned that lesson but I do know that he’s moved out to the ‘burbs now so maybe he’s wisened up enough to try not to cross my path anymore 😉

The GIFs for this piece were especially fantastic. I sincerely hope you have a “Bitch please – snaps” one ahead 🙂 Also, props to the judge and no props to your employer’s lawyer. Getyoshittogether, lawyer.

And I am super excited that I now understand the TWD reference. That would be because I have watched Seasons 1-3 and episodes 1 and 2 of Season 4 in a 2 week time span. This is why I am so behind on your blog! I blame it on Rick Grimes!!!!!

Hahaha love the TV binging! I made it through the first two seasons of Walking Dead in record time and then sort of ascended from my incredible negativity and transitioned over to Orange is the New Black haha. I’ll still have to catch up on Walking Dead at some point. Let me guess… they’re still wandering around desperately and every so often they find some more people and then some of them die gruesomely.

Oh, we watched OITNB in like 2 weeks. It comes back in June and I can’t wait!!
They are still kicking around, significant characters die, we are shocked and life goes on. But I just love it for some reason!!

I know. That’s the craziest thing… to imagine that so many women end up in these sorts of relationships… then some leave… some fight back, and THEN they have to deal with this sort of bullshit? It makes me incredibly angry. I consider myself to be rather lucky in the grand scheme of things: I’d only been with him for just about a year, we weren’t married (so no worries over $$ or property) and there weren’t kids involved. Add in any of those factors and then imagine them having to deal with this same sort of circus? Anger.

As one who takes literary prose very seriously, the pacing, imagery and tone of this story has completely enthralled me. You could easily write for a top tier television show. I’m sorry this all happened to you, but I’m sure writing this has provided some closure and definitely some catharsis.

Wow, thank you. I’ve tried to write it the way I would tell it while talking to strangers in a hostel or a bar. Writing it down has definitely felt good… and getting feedback is always nice, as well as people being like “YOU’RE NOT A WHORE.” Somehow that is always welcome.

I would love a career in writing– I hope to eventually publish. Thanks so much for reading, and for the comment!

Thanks for sharing this really interesting story. I can’t imagine how you felt – I was involved in a court case recently, but never had to speak. I was terrified and so anxious I could barely think straight. You did so well under pressure. They’d be able to muddle me up in seconds!

Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through a court situation… it really is a whole different sort of anxiety right there. It’s weird what pressure will do to us, and what sorts of situations we find ourselves thriving. I think I’m more nervous when walking in to someone else’s family gathering haha.

Imagine this: I’m at the mall, waiting for a friend i’m watching a movie with, and this guy comes out of nowhere and gives me a bear hug. While I’m trying to recover and pretending to recognize him, he rambles on about how I haven’t changed at all since college. I say, hey, you’ve changed a lot (coz let’s face it, I don’t know who the fuck that really is). Then we head to a coffee shop and sit down. During our conversation I’m mostly just nodding coz I can’t remember a thing he’s talking about. Ten minutes later, it turns out I’m not the person he thought I was, and I’m having coffee with a TOTAL stranger. We were both obviously embarrassed, so we just finished our coffee. Then he asked me for my number, and I simply just turned around and walked away. I tell you, I’m a weirdo magnet!

Nooooo! Hahaha! If some random stranger were to hug me I would probably start flailing and freaking out. That is amazing, I can’t believe you went off to a coffee shop with him! Was he attractive??? (just have to ask, haha).

Okay, I saw sex and masturbation and clicked out since I’m at work!!! But will read soon 😉 Also– is it getting close to the monthly mark for your anonymous note leaver??? I can’t remember what day of the month that is…

Can’t be. He leaves notes when my car’s parked in front of my house. Gotta be a neighbor.
I leave for work between 9 & 10, and by then the note is already there. I’m totally having a stake-out tomorrow morning!

Disillusioned tendencies, desperation and blatant idiocy are normally not associated with a trial lawyer. I WISH I could be there.
You have me glued to my seat, and the wife have been calling four times now. I think I’m in trouble…

I think it was a slow trickle of horror so it always seemed somewhat relative because things were already bad, if that makes sense. Sometimes I look back now (at the relationship) and almost feel like it’s a movie I watched or something. I think that humans have the ability to stock up on resiliency and store it away for a shitty day– you don’t even know you have it until you suddenly need it.

I am so incredibly sorry you went through this hell with the Psycho-Ex! Parts of him remind me of one of my psycho-ex’s – a felon, drug user, so I found myself nodding along to many parts of your story. You never should have had to defend yourself- from him, in court, in the eyes of everyone you worked with who he sent a photo of you naked to. It angers me that often our legal system does little or nothing to protect those that need their help the most. Unfortunately I speak from experience. After I was raped the only thing the police bothered to do was do a cursory search for my stolen and trashed car, never the rapist- although I was more than happy to provide his address and the addresses of all of his acquaintances you were all in the heavy-drug selling trade. I still keep my eyes wide open when I leave home – both for the rapist and the abusive felon ex who I got a restraining order against.
I understand so much of what you went through, but that’s not the same as living through what you did. You are an amazingly strong woman, and I adore your blog. Thank you for inspiration, unexpected camaraderie and your wonderful ability to write about the hellish, terrifying parts of your life with wit, sarcasm and wisdom.

I hate that you relate to this– and yeah, it’s almost inconceivable that someone who has been victimized can be put in such a vulnerable position and repeatedly attacked. You see it all the time in domestic abuse and sexual assault cases. There is something so incredibly wrong and criminal with that.

UGH I just read the next part of your comment about your own police report and how they did nothing– that has got to change. We should not have to be scared to leave our houses (it is still a daily thought for me as well).

Thank you so much for reading, and for leaving this comment with your own story. I think that the more people talk about it, the less prevalent it will be.

[…] been accused of life-ruining hacker skills, cage-fighting ninja skills, and calorie-burning hooker skills but I still managed to bend Bitch Lawyer over my knee and spank her with the truth of what an […]

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[…] There is nothing worse than having other people’s success rubbed in your face. Did you see that biatch post a photo of her immaculate backyard? I bet she has an unhappy marriage. At least you have an okay marriage ‘cause you sure as shit won’t ever be able to pull off that calibre of landscaping. And that chick who went viral and has a book deal? She’s probably banging someone at Random House, and you’re too principled to ever do that, so you’re never going to traditionally publish and should give up now. At least while you loathe her for her success you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that your moral superiority is vast. […]

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