Men's Secret Sex Problem

Men and the women who love them have heard of two sex problems that hit men below the belt, premature ejaculation (coming too soon) and erectile dysfunction (ED). But men may also develop a problem few have ever heard of, difficulty experiencing ejaculation and orgasm (E/O). When men develop E/O difficulties, they often believe they're all alone, that no one else could possibly face this situation. Wrong.

Non-ejaculation is men's secret sex problem. It can develop at any age, teens to elderly. According to the "Sex In America" surveys (1999 and 2008), It affects 28 percent of men under 50, 16 percent of those from 50 into the early sixties, 23 percent from age 65 to 74, and 33 percent of men 75 and older. Fortunately, E/O problems can usually be resolved with self-help and/or sex therapy.

Many Possible Causes

Masturbation style. Some men self-stimulate in a particular way and train themselves to trigger E/O in that way only. Without knowing the man's erotic idiosyncrasies, a lover may not be able to help him get there. Palo Alto, California, sex therapist Marty Klein Ph.D., says "I've counseled guys who yank their penises harder than any woman ever would."

"Delivery boy" attitude. Lovemaking involves giving pleasure and receiving it, but some men believe their only job is to give it. "When a man pays too much attention to his partner's experience, and not enough to his own," Klein explains, "he loses erotic focus, which can interfere with ejaculation and orgasm."

Drugs. Antidepressants are notorious for impairing E/O. Alcohol is usually associated with ED, but in some men, it causes E/O problems. Many other drugs may also cause E/O impairment: pain relievers and blood pressure medications, anti-anxiety drugs, and psychiatric medications, among others.

Weak pelvic floor muscles. Aging also weakens the muscles involved in E/O. When this happens, semen doesn't spurt, it dribbles, and orgasms may provide little pleasure.

Medical conditions. Neurological conditions (diabetes, paraplegia, multiple sclerosis) might damage the nerves that control O/E. Surgery for benign prostate enlargement has no effect on orgasm, but it eliminates ejaculation.

Resolving E/O Problems

First, consult your doctor. Your physician should investigate possible infections, drug issues, or pain or neurological problems. For antidepressant-induced E/O problems, ask if you can to switch to Wellbutrin. It's as effective as other antidepressants but less likely to cause this problem.

Value your erotic context. The myth is that men can function sexually under almost any circumstances, while women can enjoy sex only under a number of pre-conditions-a nice dinner, flowers, clean sheets, and a man actually interested in what they have to say. But men also have pre-conditions for satisfying sex, and as men age, the context becomes increasingly important. To trigger E/O, you may need particular conditions. Identify yours and work with your partner to provide them.

Value your own pleasure. You're more than a delivery boy. You, too, deserve erotic satisfaction and have every right to ask for the stimulation that produces it. If you engage in vaginal intercourse, it may not provide enough stimulation for E/O. "You may need very vigorous manual or oral stimulation," Klein says. "If so, ask for it."

Coach your partner. Most men with E/O problems can masturbate to orgasm. Show your partner exactly what works for you, and coach her to provide it. You may feel bashful about masturbating in front of her. But it not only teaches your lover what you need, it also involves self-revelation, which deepens the intimacy in your relationship.

Breathe deeply. It relaxes the nervous system so that erotic stimulation can trigger E/O

Heat up your fantasies. Recall the fantasies that have helped you with E/O in the past. Elaborate on them. (They need not include your lover.) They just need to arouse you. Or try X-rated videos.

Use lubricant. Sexual lubricants make the genitals more sensitive to touch, and often help resolve E/O problems.

Read a book. The one most often recommended is Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by sex therapists Julia Heiman, Ph.D., and Joseph LoPicollo, Ph.D. Though aimed at young women, the program also works for men of all ages. Its message is that each of us is responsible for our own sexual satisfaction. A lover can create an erotic context that allows E/O. But no one "gives" anyone else an orgasm. Orgasms emerge only when we let them.

I think the porn might indeed be a culprit. In real life you see a first person perspective, which in some positions is a lot less stimulating then a third person view in porn. Especially with close ups and other directing, it gives an 'optimized' image.

Also, there's the figurative and literal elephant in the room. People have become a lot less sexually attractive and this is another way political correctness interferes with a constructive discussion.

People have become fat. Many not just a little fat, but obese to the point of not looking like the human form.

So take a couple, both man and woman weigh 40 pounds too much. These fat deposits generally don't appeal to both sexes, but since we're talking about men, and men are very visual (hence porn), female obesity would be a giant issue.

Expected reply. "What, you criticize women? Well, men are just as fat!"

First of all, saying men are generally more visual in what stimulates them sexually is not saying that women are not visual.

Second of all, how is your point relevant to the issue? This article was about reasons why some men experience difficulties reaching an orgasm. I argued that since most men are very visual - they can get a full erection just from seeing a photo of a women in bikini - a factor in this problem would probably be female obesity.

I mentioned male obesity in relation to this issue as well. That women don't like male obesity is not relevant to why men can't reach orgasm. No doubt that's true, but this post was about what makes men tick.

I wouldn't be surprised if you knew the above reasoning, but still typed out your knee jerk reflex reply, because you felt that women can't be criticized without pointing a finger back. Why is that?

I think it does both men and women a disservice to say men are more visual than women, as it reinforces tired and inaccurate stereotypes both genders can do without. Besides, who's to say thin women are the ideal for all men? Plenty of men prefer a larger woman. The time was a fuller-figure was desired the norm (and still is in other cultures).

Personally, I've had partners that are heavy and I've had partners as skinny as a rail and have found them all very attractive and sensual for reasons that little to do with body weight - yet my difficulty having an orgasm remains the same. In my experience, it simply makes no difference.

If obesity is a factor with delayed orgasms, it's related to the obese men whose health and sexual function is impaired by being obese!

As the article says, we are each responsible for our orgasms. Blaming our partner's body weight (or the average weight of the female gender as a whole) is not taking responsibility!

I am a male in my mid-50s and have always had some degree of difficulty achieving orgasm during intercourse, though I have never suffered from erectile dysfunction. Orgasm problems were an occasional issue when I was younger but it has gotten to the point now where it is always an issue. Aside from the occasional article that mentions the connection to certain antidepressants and hypertension drugs, this is the first mainstream article that I have encountered that acknowledges the pervasiveness of the problem, and discusses the whole range of possible causes and solutions. So thanks for writing this piece!

I'm in my late thirties and have experienced this problem from the time I first started having sexual experiences in my early twenties. I'll never forget how shocking and disheartening it was to not be able to orgasm, the first time I was in a sexual situation with a woman. She gave me oral sex, and I knew right from the start I wasn't going to orgasm. It can really shake your confidence as much as ED or any other dysfunction.

There was/is nothing wrong with my erection, but it's like there's a short circuit between the penis and brain. It doesn't happen all the time, though, but often enough to be disconcerting. And like premature ejaculation or ED, difficulty with orgasm can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When having sex, it can be difficult not to wonder "Is it going to happen this time?" And of course thinking about anything during sex can be an arousal killer.

I think in my case it's a psychological condition. I think it results from my inability to have thoughtless, fully relaxed sex. My brain gets in the way of my pleasure. But I don't know that for sure. I've tried cutting down on how often I masturbate, and I've tried eliminating porn. I've also tried masturbating with lube to more accurately simulate sex with a woman. I don't think there is any harm in any of these "cures", but they don't address the problem of what is going on in my head.

This first happened to me under almost identical circumstances, Yankie. It was the first time I was in a position to achieve orgasm with a partner. I was in my early teens, and my girlfriend, who was a couple of years older and a bit more experienced was giving me my first blowjob. I was obviously thrilled, but also terribly nervous, partially because of the disparity between her level of experience and mine, and because I felt an upperclassman girl willing to date down in age was such a rare thing I had to do everything perfectly. I knew almost as soon as she started that something was wrong.
Turns out she was a saint, calmed me down when I started trying to babble apologies, we cuddled for a while and when I was finally relaxed we tried again and it went fine. I was a very lucky young man to be with someone so understanding that first time, but I've known ever since then that there's always a chance that I just won't get it done.
At some point in college I got so tired of trying to tell girls it wasn't their fault that if I was wearing a condom and it happened I would just fake it. Eventually I started dating girls I was more serious about and got better about coming clean, but I hate having to tell them I might need extra time, or I need them to please not get impatient too fast because then I'll start to worry that they're having a bad time and I can still get really self-conscious about it. Girls often thought it was their fault, because ED was the only real reason most people would expect a guy not to finish, and I was still hard when I would let them know that I had enjoyed myself, but I was ready to stop whenever they were.
Now I'm in my early Thirties, I've been drinking for most of my adult life and I'm on antidepressants. Basically it's at the point where if I've had more than two beers or I haven't been getting enough sleep or I'm just not 100% for any reason that day, I can count on either not finishing or having a very difficult time finishing. I know I should just stop drinking, but like I said it's always been a part of my life. I'm just surprised it's catching up with me to this degree at what is still a relatively young age. I guess that ran kind of long, but this is really the first chance I've had to talk to anyone who can relate.

I have had a hard time reaching orgasm my whole life. Even masturbating when I was younger was frustrating and I only had my first orgasm when I was about 15 and I've been sexually active since I was 13. I'm 31 now and really nothing has changed for the better or worse. I've always been in good shape and health even running track and doing marathons and I've never been on meds like antidepressants but I do like to drink.

My experience with this issue has been generally good. I've nerver felt bad about it, in fact I've bragged about it! I have no problem getting and maintaining an erection for long periods of time. This is great for me because, I'm a cardio freak. By the time we are done having aggressive marathon sex I'm absolutely dripping in sweat from head to toe and I find most women find this really sexy. I accepted the situation for what it is at a young age (16-17) so I started to focus and study on getting women off in as many different ways as I can. It's turned me into a professor of the female orgasm. I've actually had women refer me to other women. I find too that being straight up about it right off the bat before penetration is the best way to go about it. I tell them that I'm probably not going to orgasm But, I think your sexy and it has nothing to do with you. This lets them know it's nothing they did wrong or that I wasn't turned off by them in some way because women worry about stuff like that. Usually when they know about it they take it more as a challange than anything else.

The only down side for me has been that not all women like to have sex for as long as I do (30 min - 2hours).
So I really need to pay attention and make sure that I'm not hurting them. It does worry me a bit too if I will be able to have kids someday but, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Other than that I'm pretty happy about the cards I've been dealt. I think being confident and truthful about it is the best way to handle this situation. Also look at it as a gift and not look at it as a problem.

Almost all men will experience one or more sexual problems at some point in their life. Fortunately, many of these problems will improve on their own over a short period of time. This guide is intended to help you understand why you may be experiencing a particular problem, and what can be done to help.

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I'll let you know ahead of time this is probably going to run a little long. I need to first say that I am going to be a 49 woman next week. During the course of my growing up I found that I can have an orgasm while giving oral sex. I get very wet and very excited making my partner have an orgasm through oral sex. I have found some men very disbelieving in this as I'm told it's just not normal. When told this enough it makes me wonder and also makes me very self conscious with regards to this to the point that i point blank lied about it. However if you're actually with me it's not hard to tell after the fact that I've orgasmed and yes if you've been with me for a while you know the symptoms or rather the signs of an orgasm ie the shaking, wetness, sweating and out of breath, and the overall glow that every woman gets with an orgasm. Well most men don't turn down a blowjob some men feel that something else has to be going on that I can orgasm in that fashion or something is wrong with me.

I am currently in a relationship with someone that I've known for years but then out of touch with for a really long time (high school) and have recently reconnected. He let me know up front that he has problems "downstairs" and that viagra is expensive and doesn't really work anyway, in fact before we started seeing each other he was upfront and stated he would understand if I didn't want to meet up with him because of it but would love to be friends again. I said didn't matter what could or couldn't happened let's just cross the bridges as they come. Besides I've had other men who thought things didn't work and with a little patience and what I've been told wonderful oral sex everything works just fine so I wasn't concerned. I love his company no matter what but after being told not to expect anything when he walked in and gave me a hug and kiss it was quickly evident that he had an erection which surprised him to the point was like a teenage make out session that it was when we knew each other in high school (when at that time oral sex kept me a "virgin" and any teenage boy happy enough to not tell my secret that oral without wanting anything in return was what I was into) he did orgasm in about 15 minutes (which I consider pretty normal) I did as well from both the excitement I get plus his excitement because he didn't think that was even possible any more. We moved to bed where after an hour or so and a lot of heavy petting he was very hard until he managed entrance and things quickly became not hard enough to remain inside me 69 was done and we both climaxed again. After we laid and talked about just general things catching up on time apart he thanked me whiched I quickly told him was never to be said especially when I enjoyed as much as he did if not more. We have been together several times and I'm always game to try anything oral is always my fav more giving than receiving, not that I don't enjoy receiving but giving is always a bigger rush. He is very sensitive to the point he wants me to stop moving as soon as he starts to orgasm, not break contact just stop kinda like mimicking the sensation of being inside of me. He does try intercourse about every other time we are together and can sometimes a couple minutes before it stops. Neither of us leaves without finishing but I feel, even tho he swears he is fine more worried I'm not satisfied, like I should be able to do something more.

Guess what I'm asking since he does get hard, usually before anything is really started, and he can climax every time orally, is there a position or something else for me to do to help him be where I know he wants to for him to climax vaginally?