Columbus wants to host the Republican or Democratic national convention in 2016, and I’m all for
it.

Landing either one would be great for sales of bourbon, funny hats and flag lapel pins. (I
assume we couldn’t host both conventions, because that would deplete the city’s strategic name-tag
reserve.)

Given the nation’s polarized politics, the Democratic convention would undoubtedly draw a crowd
with interests different from those of the GOP crowd.

To help city officials prepare for all eventualities, I’ve developed a forecast on the
particular needs, tastes and interests of conventioneers from the rival parties:

Transportation

Democratic leaders would want bicycles and alternative-fuel buses on hand so they could feel
good about their environmental consciousness while passing in limousines.

Republican bigwigs who didn’t arrive by private jet might ask that the Scioto River be dredged
to allow for yacht traffic.

Decorations

Both parties could be expected to make heavy use of balloons, bunting and confetti.

For added pizazz, Democrats would call on the policy expertise of Hollywood stars.

For added diversity, Republicans might hire a few minorities to stand on the convention floor
and pretend to be party members.

Food and drink

Republicans would consume more red meat because they not only eat it but also throw it raw to
tea-party members. Also, a few of the party’s more ardent gun-rights advocates might hire guides to
drive them into the suburbs so they could harvest a deer for supper.

Restaurants selling locally grown produce, no-hormone beef and free-range chicken would be of
more interest to Democrats, who like side orders of self-righteousness with their meals.

Entertainment

The city’s biggest attractions — the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, COSI Columbus, German Village —
could be expected to draw visitors in roughly equal numbers from both parties.

As for regional attractions, I wouldn’t expect too many Democrats at the Creation Museum or too
many Republicans checking out the fair-trade craft stores in Yellow Springs.

Short North nightclubs could expect heavy traffic from both parties. Groups of Democrats would
undoubtedly be seen congregating outside the front doors of gay bars; Republicans would sneak in
the back.

Recreation

Republicans would golf, shop and lament the passing of the 1950s.

Democrats would bicycle, shop and fantasize about how great things would be if Al Gore had won
in 2000.