Ireland’s equalities minister celebrates victory in the style it deserves

The arithmetic of Ireland’s homomarriage referendum has worked out exactly as I predicted the other day, which partly redeemed my prophetic powers in my own eyes, if no one else’s.

About 35 per cent of the Irish still follow ecclesiastical guidance in such matters, while 65 per cent voted Yes. I don’t know if there was an overlap between the two groups, but I doubt it. In any case it couldn’t have been large.

Observing crowds of homosexual men and women engaged in celebratory public foreplay with drag queens all over Dublin, Ireland’s equalities minister Aodhán Ó Ríordáin couldn’t contain his paroxysms of joy.

He rushed to the computer and tweeted: “Ireland hasn’t just said ‘Yes’… Ireland has said ‘F*** YEAAHHHH!’” If so, and one has no reason to doubt the comments of a man whose finger is on the pulse of progress, Ireland ought to have her mouth washed out with soap.

Nevertheless she should be congratulated on being governed by men/women/other who express themselves with such elegance and panache. Then again, the jubilation fits the cause.

I have pointed out on numerous occasions that a government boasting the post of equalities minister is ipso facto tyrannical, not to mention cavalier in its frittering of public money. I think Ireland should shut that ministry down and move Mr Ó Ríordáin up to the post of foreign minister, where his eloquence could find a proper outlet.

One can just see him asking a US Secretary of State “What part of f*** off don’t you understand?” He could also test the mental agility of his French counterpart Laurent Fabius by suggesting that he take the words ‘off’ and ‘f***’ and arrange them in the right order.

It fell upon Sinn Fein Gerry Adams to put the victory into a broad political context by stating that this was “a huge day for equality”.

Having scrubbed his hands clean after abusing them by shaking Prince Charles’s hand, IRA Gerry expressed the hope that this was but one battle in a never-ending war: “I also think that given that the government parties were pressing quite rightly for equality in this issue then we need equality in other issues – we need equality in social issues, economic issues, we need everything to be equality.”

Except for the bloody Prods, Gerry must have muttered under his breath, but was clever enough not to say it out loud. It’s good to see that the noble cause of equality all around has such distinguished champions who display not only self-restraint but also stylistic mastery.

The same issue wasn’t put to a referendum in the UK, for Dave belied his reputation for shilly-shallying by pushing it through Parliament without resorting to plebiscite. Some might say that such leadership qualities are worthy of a better use, but at least we were spared some of carnal festivities all over London.

I don’t think Ireland should rest on her laurels. Once some of the rainbow flags draping Dublin have been removed, the country’s equality-happy government, with IRA’s support, should open debate on another burning issue demanding speedy resolution.

Should the traditional slogan ‘Up the Republic!’ be changed to ‘Up the Republic’s!’? This is another idea whose time has come, and one hopes it’ll come to a popular vote.

I can’t vote in Irish referenda, but if I could, I’d reply with a resounding “F*** YEAAHHHH!” This would make me sound ministerial.