‘Sustainable’ Shoppers Missing, Assumed Overseas

It turns out that sellers of arugula–and many other craft premium organic products–can spare lots this month. Owners of stores selling such pricey food, as well as the local Porsche Bicycle dealership, Beyonce’s Canine Boutique, and The Bloody Good Diamond jewelry emporium say their customers have mysteriously gone missing.

And some suspect aliens.

No worries, Mayor Dave Anderson said.

“I’m pretty sure our friends and neighbors have just left for Turks and Caicos, Brazilian rainforest resorts or the French Riviera,” Anderson said. “I’m sure they’ll be back when their vacations are done in the next four weeks or so.”

In the meantime, some businesses are taking desperate measures.

Bob Smith-Smith, owner of Bob’s Organic, said during August he will once again sell domestic beer, tobacco, mac and cheese and leisure wear, among other staples of “the non-sustainables,” as he calls blue collar residents in town.

Businesses focused on blue collar residents, such as Dollar Damsel and Bear’s Biker Bar, have had solid sales this month, their owners report.

“Fat chance any of my regulars got cash for a vacation–unless you count getting washed 20 miles down the Coma River after passing out on an inner tube,” said Bear.