The brilliant George Carlin once said, “If you can nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some dumb schmuck will buy it from you”. Nobody demonstrates this better than the Not So Fun Fundamentalist Right crowd.

Apparently, Fish didn’t hear face-eater Rudy Eugene’s mom describing her son. She said he was, “a church boy” and Miami police confirmed it. Eugene was carrying a Bible when he stopped for lunch at the Donner Party Buffet. He was apparently straight and had a girlfriend who “felt safe” with him because he was so religious. The Fischerman is no friend of the heaven-sent, people-eating grizzly bear either.

Know Your Enemy: Lesbian Jane Lynch!

All you Glee fans out there turn off your sets! Televangelist James Robison is convinced the show will destroy America! And here I thought it was the blatant ripoff of the equally lame series Fame. Damn that lesbian, Jane Lynch!

A Profile in Courage

Pastor Curtis Knapp of the New Hope Baptist Church thinks LGBT folks have it too damn easy. They’re just like incestuous people and polygamists and so should be put to death, “We punish incest, we punish polygamy and various things. It’s only homosexuality that is lifted out as an exemption.”

Even though incest and polygamy aren’t capital offenses, too damn bad. Off ’em anyway. But, the good pastor is a little squeamish. When asked on CNN if he should be killing gays he said, “No, I’m saying the government should. They won’t, but they should.”

So Sayeth the Dean of Wingnuts…

Beasts Making the Beast With Two Backs

Ah, the gay-begets-bestiality cabal is in full voice. Pastor Tim Rabon, of Raleigh’s Beacon Baptist Church, believes in the Rick Santorum man-on-dog sex theory. The pastor thinks redefining marriage is the Devil’s Dog’s work. “What is stopping them from refining marriage from a person and a beast? We’re not far from that.”

Nothing Hugs Like Huggies

One of my favorite things nailed together is Pastor Patrick Wooden’s contention that gay sex causes gay men to need diapers or butt plugs. Aside from the fact he seems to think the real reason men can reproduce is because semen and sh*t don’t mix. He had no opinion on whether straight people, some of them surely Christian, engaging in anal sex would leak like a meal filled with Olestra.

I assume he also opposes sex education.

All of these people’s boss might have been a Jewish carpenter, but I’m skeptical he built the sort of house they have in mind. It would’ve had the worst foundation imaginable, paper-thin walls they’d blow out with their own unprayed away bloviations, and a roof that even a mother would wish they jump from.

George, you’re right. These boobs keep nailing things together and dumb schmucks keep tossing the money in their collection plates.