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Tomorrow is the first anniversary in 39 years that I haven't been married. 39 years ago tonight I was full of love and hopes and dreams. Tonight I spent several hours deleting pictures - all those memories of places we went, trips we took, things we did. All the pictures of our last anniversary trip to the mountains. It was a romantic weekend, but I look sad. Two days afterward he was in a another hotel room with someone else; d-day wouldn't be for another 10 days. So many experiences, so many memories that I had treasured. Most of my life. Erased. Literally in the trash. :(

Can't help asking myself again tonight where we derailed. I STILL can hardly believe this happened

Its little comfort now but YOU were present in that marriage. You experienced love, teamwork, commitment and empathy. Nothing he did or does can ever change that.

I felt like I wasted/lost 10 years of my life. In many ways I did. There is not a single thing from that time that isn't tainted for me now. Not one.

I was recounting my birth stories recently - both amazing and fantastic. I actually cringed in the middle of the story because I saw him there in my minds eye, like a shadowy menacing figure tarnishing my memory. I had to push the vision away.

That made me sad. Two beautiful milestone moments tainted.

I will reclaim those memories in my mind. It just hasn't happened yet.

I have no photos of us together. There only ever existed a single photo of the 4 of us together - taken when my youngest was a few days old. S was when she was 18m old. There were no happy moments to capture and for that I am sad.

Be gentle with yourself today friend. I've been through that exercise myself and it was 'only' 9.5 years. Harrowing. Painful. Necessary. Another step on this path to healing.

((trebleclef))

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5922 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia

HurtsButImOK♀ 38865Member # 38865

Posted: 3:51 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

TC. Im so sorry hun for the pain you are going through.

I too deleted, well everything, because all the time I spent with him was a lie.

Like SBB says though YOU were living an honest life, YOU were present in your marriage. Its not a lie for you. All you are doing now is removing the lies that HE planted one image at a time. Its both healing and painful.

(((such big hugs for you))))

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia

Sad in AZ♀ 24239Member # 24239

Posted: 4:12 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

I'm sorry TC; you're not alone. I was with the X for almost 40 years, M almost 33. Our last anniversary trip he couldn't wait to get home; he was so antsy and mean. We were also on a trip to the mountains; we only stayed one night. I was so confused...

I know it's devastating and you don't want to hear this, but even after than long a time together, it does get better. You should plan to do something fun on your former anniversaries; I went to Las Vegas with SI friends on my first one post D. Now after 2+ years, it's just a blip on my radar screen.

Thank you so much SI friends. You are a comfort. I do have something to do today that will occupy my mind.

Last year I sent him a brief email saying "38 years ago today you promised to live and cherish me and keep yourself only for me. You lied"
He wrote back to tell me how excited he was to marry me and that he meant those vows.

Yeah. That's apparent.

This year- he gets crickets.

True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta

tesla♀ 34697Member # 34697

Posted: 8:16 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

((((treble))))

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4956 | Registered: Jan 2012

Williesmom♀ 22870Member # 22870

Posted: 9:36 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

((Treble))

It isn't turning out like we thought it would, but that doesn't mean that it won't be great.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 8366 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA

Kajem♀ 36134Member # 36134

Posted: 3:43 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

(((((tc)))))

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6475 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida

jo2love♀ 31528Member # 31528

Posted: 3:50 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

(((Trebleclef)))

Posts: 40942 | Registered: Mar 2011

newlysingle♀ 38735Member # 38735

Posted: 4:23 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

Lots of hugs to you. It's difficult purging those memories. I can't imagine having to go through 38 years of them. It's only upwards from here, right?

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012

pjkmkjm23♂ 35778Member # 35778

Posted: 9:39 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

(((trebleclef)))

In 4 months I will be experiencing the same thing except it would only have been our 16th year wedded. I cringe already thinking about that....so I can't imagine what it must be like for you having been M two and a half times longer. I'm sorry. I hope you have something to do or friends/family you can surround yourself with to keep occupied so you don't dwell on it. I wish you the best tc.

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada

Elaine2012♀ 36099Member # 36099

Posted: 10:25 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013

(((trebleclef))). This all just sucks! I too had a long marriage so I understand how much this hurts.