OFFICE SPACE: CAREER COUCH; The Office Collection: To Give or Not to Give

By MATT VILLANO

Published: October 2, 2005

Q. You work for a small company, and every year around the boss's birthday, the boss's assistant asks employees to pitch in for a group gift. The request strikes you as inappropriate, and you'd rather not participate. What should you do?

A. If you're not keen on contributing to a group gift, it's completely appropriate to bow out, said Deanna Geddes, associate professor of human resource management at Temple University in Philadelphia. ''Something that's out of the job requirement but seen as good citizenship behavior is not critical,'' Ms. Geddes said. ''When it comes to something like this, you do what makes you comfortable -- nothing less, nothing more.''

Q. What's wrong with contributing to a group gift?

A. What irks most employees is the expectation that everyone should participate, Ms. Geddes said. Sometimes the expectation is subtle, and involves mentioning the collection during lunchtime or putting a fishbowl for donations on the assistant's desk. In other instances, expectations take more overt forms: interoffice memos, e-mail reminders and in-person visits from the boss's assistant to collect cash.

These types of in-your-face reminders irritated Sara Shay, now a freelance writer and editor in Maple Glen, Pa. Ten years ago, shortly after Ms. Shay took a job with a small trade magazine in New England, her boss's assistant asked staff members to contribute to a group gift for the boss. Though the assistant didn't suggest an amount to donate, Ms. Shay said, he sent reminders to those who had not contributed by a certain date, making it clear that everyone was expected to chip in.

''I didn't think it was appropriate for staff -- especially very junior and therefore not very wealthy staff -- to be asked to chip in money to buy the top guy something he could easily afford himself,'' Ms. Shay said.

Ultimately, she gave a few dollars, mostly because she felt that she had to. ''I didn't really want to give anything,'' she said, ''but I hoped that giving very little would show that I was offended by the request, or that I was underpaid, or both.''

Q. Should you share your objections with co-workers?

A. In most cases, it's best to keep your concerns to yourself, said Laurie Puhn, a professional development trainer in New York and author of ''Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life'' (Jeremy P. Tarcher-Penguin, 2005). She says that word travels quickly in an office, and that the last thing you want is for the boss's assistant or the boss to hear from someone else that you're offended by the notion of a communal birthday present.

''You don't want to put yourself in a position of having a weakness that someone could exploit,'' Ms. Puhn said. ''You never know who's looking for a way to one-up themselves by putting you down.''

Q. How do you say no without seeming stingy or a malcontent?

A. Brevity is best. Ms. Geddes, the professor from Temple, says that a polite statement that you're not able to contribute this year is more than enough to justify your lack of participation.

''Think of it like an R.S.V.P.: My apologies, I just can't attend,'' she said. ''Unless you're always the person who never does anything and you're seen as the maverick, most of the time people will cut colleagues slack if they can't contribute to one thing or another.''

If you feel compelled to provide specific reasons for not participating, be honest but careful. Rob Bennett, a career development consultant in Purcellville, Va., said that citing your current personal financial situation was acceptable. Mr. Bennett added that it was better to say nothing than to fabricate reasons.

Q. Should you be concerned about running afoul of office politics if you don't donate?

A. Every office has its own norms, so employees must judge for themselves whether declining to participate will make them outcasts. Sally Hogshead, author of ''Radical Careering'' (Gotham, 2005), likens this decision to a cost-benefit analysis. She said that employees must ask themselves if the risk of alienating co-workers by not contributing was greater than the emotional toll involved in paying toward a ritual that they don't support.

''This scenario is a fascinating snapshot of the way human emotions get ensnared in the workplace,'' Ms. Hogshead said. ''Workers shouldn't feel like they are held hostage to give, but the reality on some level is that they are going to be judged if they don't participate.''

In assessing the risk involved in saying no, Ms. Hogshead said employees should make sure that the boss's assistant was the only person judging them if they chose to abstain. If there is any indication that the boss may find out about your lack of interest -- if, for example, the gift is accompanied by a card that only you did not sign -- it may be wise to rethink your strategy in the interests of self-preservation, she said. ''Giving can be an inflammatory thing if it becomes a symbolic gesture and you don't participate,'' Ms. Hogshead said.

Q. What are some alternatives to contributing to a group gift?

A. Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of the Protocol School in Palm Beach, Fla., says that a card is a simple and effective way to express a sentiment without dipping into your savings account. Appropriate alternatives would be baking cookies or cupcakes for the entire office, buying a gift card for coffee or some other modest item, or making a small donation to charity in the boss's name. ''Even the smallest token can go a long way,'' Ms. Whitmore said.