So, I would like to state that I have never found the thought of Ashton Kutcher naked a charming or alluring thought. Which may be the reason I was greatly disturbed upon awaking from slumber last night.

Let me explain.

Ashton made an appearance in one of my dreams last night. Sadly, I was going to write about my other dream, which was truly frightening, but it seems to have slipped my mind. So you get the Ashton dream.

I don’t really remember the whole thing, except that I had just moved into an apartment that resembled a Motel 6 room. (Creepy.) There was something having to do with hiding from some people who were after me, and then- there was Ashton. Apparently he was in the same situation of hiding as I. So here we were in this tiny apartment place, and then we were doing it. Very rambunctiously, I might add.

(I will clear up here that I have had only 2 other sex dreams in my life- one of them being not actual sex, but a dream with a shirtless Chris Meloni, so the fact that I started going at it hardcore with Ashton Kutcher in a dream has shaken me to my core.)

While we were making the bed bang up against the wall, (I said hardcore, and I meant it.) we were laughing and giggling, and then I heard a voice in my head say, “You guys are too in love, you’d never be able to make a porn outta this.”

(I wish to be clear again, I am NOT in any way in love with Ashton.)

But after the voice in my head said that, (I’m glad the voices make appearances in my dreams too and not just in real life) I started thinking, I bet I could get Ashton to shave and cut his hair and resemble someone who is not a goon. Why would I think THAT in the middle of him sticking his un-requested boner in me, I wonder?

Anyhoo, that’s all I can remember of my dream, but again I maintain that Ashton Kutcher raped me in my dream. Even if I DID enjoy it.

P.S. If it would have been the sexy Calvin Klein model Ashton of yesteryears, I perhaps wouldn’t have minded so much; but it wasn’t. It was the un-washed scruffy version of Ashton from Two and a Half Men. Blech.