Man Clearly Just at Fast Food Restaurant to Take a Dump

PATERSON, NJ — Storming into McDonald’s and briefly glancing at the menu before making a b-line to the bathroom, local man Tyler Henning was clearly just there to take a massive dump.

Employees of the establishment say his true motive was evident from the moment he walked in.

“Seriously, who does this guy think he’s fooling?” asked cashier Valerie Morrison. “He was struggling to keep his butthole tight from the instant he parked in the handicap spot. Even the customers knew it.”

Henning, on the other hand, is confident his intentions were masked by the deft two-second scan of the value menu he did before walking at a conspicuously faster-than-normal pace to the restroom.

“It’s a psychological game,” he said, sneaking out the side entrance so as not to be seen by employees and shamed into buying something. “When I’m really on, I’ll even give a little peak on the way out then shake my head in disgust and leave. That way they think it was their fault for not having whatever I was looking for.”