BM ruined SD's wedding-OMG-horror

finedreamsJuly 27, 2009

I officially have the worst BM's story. i think it beats everyone else's.

we just came back from SO's DD's destination wedding. wedding was on island resort, everyone (with the exception of some of the groom's family who live on that island) stayed on the same resort. Most of the things that happened there sounds unbelivable so I will just provide highlights. BM didn't really ruined the wedding because everyone else compensated wiht making it good experience for bride and groom, but she tried very hard to ruin it. here are some of the highlights.

1. BM's live-in BF (TOM by the way) is very rowdy alcoholic so both DDs never stay at moms. BM refused to help wiht the wedding because she supports her BF who, due to drinking 24/7, has no job. She told DD27 that she cannot afford to help wiht anything because she has to buy clothes and ticket etc for the BF. BM did nothing for the wedding, not financially not emotionally not wiht organization.

2. The very first day at the resort BM and her BF started drinking at 9AM at the bar and drank none stop the entire duration of the stay there.

3. no one from BM's family came to the wedding (which is understandable for destination)but not one person sent a card or a gift or called or anything, and she has huge family. Bride and groom were shocked.

4. I came up to BM (around noon time and I noticed she is wasted but it was too late for me to back off)to congratulate her on her daughter's wedding and to say some nice words, while i was still talking she turned around and walked away. DD27 and DD20 (maid of honor) apologized and said our mother is already drunk so do not take her behavior personally.

5.BM and her BF both passed out drunk by the pool at 3PM in front of everyone. they tried to walk later but had to hold onto things as to walk.

6. BM and her BF didn't sober up by the rehearsal dinner. they wobbled to a restaurant holding each other up. at the rehearsal dinner her BF sat at the head of the table (why?)and got loud and inappropriate while BM passed out and had to be woken up, when she woke up she started passionatelly kissing her BF. BM tried to go the bathroom but was unable to walk staright so she had to hold onto the chairs and walls. My SO was red wiht embarassment tried to distract everyone. Bride was embarassed and had tears in her eyes, then the whole crowd tried to distract from BM's behavior. after rehearsal BM and BF went to sit by a bar and drink more.

6. wedding morning: we had offical signing of the marriage lisence (they required 2 non relatives to sign so that's why I had to be the one along wiht DDs' girlfriend). BM and BF were hungover and before we knew in a middle of justice talking BF ran to DD27 and her groom and started kissing them.

7. before the actual wedding I stood in the hallway when BM's BF came up to me and tried to pushed me out of the way because he wanted to be the first one to see the bride, his arm went over my head messing up my hairdo (I just came from a beaty parlor). i didn't say anything to SO because I didn't want to upset him.

8. at the wedding site both BM and her BF were already wasted and her BF stood by the altar in the middle of it while my SO and the bride were getting ready to go down to the altar (ceremony was on the beach). DD20 (maid of honor) told BF to sit down.

9. BM was wearing cotton beach cover-up (that showed her swim suit or bra sticking out) to her daughter's wedding and flip flops and didn't change for the reception dinner either, that's what she wore the entire time. Everyone else was dressed up.

fast forward to the reception. BM was too drunk already to walk around or talk to people so she just sat there. BF (by the way he is 60) asked young girl to dance (DD27 colleague) and he was so drunk that he fell on the dancing floor (yes, I do not make it up, he fell on his back) and dragged poor girl down, she hurt herself but he got up and din't let her go back and danced like crazy drunk holding her tight.

after he fell, SO came up to the bride and groom said he is going to talk to BM to make her BF behave (because it would escalate to more embrassment if he contnues this). Bride was afraid if he would do that BF would start a fight, so she and a groom went to BM to tell her to keep BF from misbehaving, at that point BM was passed out and had to be woken up.

I will skip the rest of the details (which were too many) but shortly after that BM and BF left the wedding, so majority of the wedding they were gone. DD27 and her groom didn't see when they left and asked people if anyone saw them leave, nobody did, but it made bride very upset that her mother left the wedding. BM never saw wedding cake cutting, bride and groom dance, etc, they were gone early.

in the morning aftre the wedding BM never came to DD27 to say good bye never came to talk to DD20 and never apologized to her daughter for leaving the wedding.

SO was in so much stress the entire time to keep it all together and keep appearances that i was afraid for his health. I have to say he did an excellent job to keep everything running smoothly. i did my best to do everything for the bride and the groom and the rest of the family as to balance. i didn't overstep and did what i could and what was appropriate.

Now you tell me if this BM's story beats everyone else's. i am still in shock.

Actually I think in retrospect SO DD27 handled the wedding as best she could. When you originally mentioned that she was having a destination wedding, it seemed strange -- now makes sense. With an alcholic mother and bf, that is a good choice.

"BF (by the way he is 60) asked young girl to dance (DD27 colleague) and he was so drunk that he fell on the dancing floor (yes, I do not make it up, he fell on his back) and dragged poor girl down, she hurt herself but he got up and din't let her go back and danced like crazy drunk holding her tight."

I have an alchoholic mother that would probably behave in the same manner. My Dad tries to "make her behave" but it only makes it worse. Thats why I am leaving in 2wks for Vegas to get married without any of my family there. Anytime there was a special occasion she would ruin it. So I made up my mind when I was a kid that she would never be at my wedding. My mom would always say she was sorry the next day and that she didn't remember. I guess she thought that we would just forgive her because she didn't remember.

I feel terrible for you SD, I know how embarrasing that had to be. Sounds like your SO and you tried to do damage control so maybe that helped her. I am sure she is glad to have you.

That story sounds exactly like something a friend of mine's mother would do. I promise that in every set of pictures from any event is a shot of her cleavage. I always feel so bad for my friend because she spends most of every function babysitting her own mother.

I feel so bad for the bride! She didn't get a peaceful wedding. She got a graphic novel that will be told by everyone that was present.

well, if you take everything she's done cumulatively... it's all in there. She's done all that, just never all at once. I'm not surprised her family didn't acknowledge the wedding. It's a sad testament to her mother's side of the family but by the BM's actions, family is not a high priority to them... If she couldn't even get it together for her own daughter's wedding. Very sad.

My mom, who is coincidentally an alcoholic, had nothing to do with any of our weddings. Besides that, when I showed her my ring, instead of being happy for me, she gloated that the ring she bought herself was bigger & more expensive. So, I really feel for this poor bride because while her wedding was just one day in her life (a very important one, but nonetheless one day), she has to live every day with her as a mother... whether she chooses to have a relationship with her or not. It will probably affect her either way.

I have a hard time reading the threads on estrangement and understanding some of the people that say they have no clue why their kids are estranged from them. Then I read something like this and wonder how she can NOT be estranged from a toxic person like that. But, then again I have plenty of reason to be estranged from my mom but I choose to just limit contact and her influence on my life.

yes it is hard to believe but it is honest truth and i skipped some details.

Love, I am hesitant to mention specific location because I am afraid BM will read it. it is a popular vacation destination, but most of the groom's family live there, or are orginally from there.

KKNY, it was destination for us, not as much for groom's family, they either live there or have property there or at least are orginally from there. Actually under the circumstances I think having wedding in our state or state where bride and grrom live would be much easier because we could avoid seeing BM and BF 24/7. We had to see them all day long for the whole 5 day duration. here we would only have to see them at the wedding. It was still a big wedding for a detsination, about 80 people.

My SO begged them not to do destination because he knew something would happen.

I also think that the way BM behaved was on purpose to annoy her both daughters, whom she does not get along with, SO, his family and possibly me.

She holds professional job, sings in a local church choir and is normally not drunk on the weekdays due to work (drunk the whole weekend though and every night), which means she could behave if she wanted to. her BF is complete trash and he is drunk 24/7 but she is a professional, there was no reason for her to behave this way. She knows how to behave and is capable of being sobber when neds to. she did it on purpose.

bride and groom have great two week honeymoon trip lined up so they will try to forget all of that.

My DH and I thought about doing a destination wedding and really, we came very close to doing so. One of the reasons we didn't was because of the fact that my parents do not get along---things are VERY tense when they are together---and the thought of us all being at a resort for 5 days together made me queasy! Plus, i knew my parents would both be tense and upset, as well.

My own bm ranks pretty close up there for poor wedding behavior too! My bm has battled a drug problem for years, and in the last few years she relapsed. I am at a point now where I just have no contact with her except for when she calls on occasion to ask for $--I tell her no and the conversation ends shortly after. She also calls on holidays to say hello to me.

For my wedding shower she claimed that she was broke. So I bought her a dress and shoes and arranged for one of my sisters to pick her up and drive her to the shower. My sister got to my moms home and my mom didn't answer the door. My sister called her cell and no answer. After 20 minutes of pounding on the door, ringing the bell, and calling her phone my sister gave up. ALL my dh's female family members were there and asked about my mom. I was embarassed! She later called me and said she overslept! WHATEVER

Fastforward to our wedding rehearsal. My bm never came. Said she had no way to get there.

Then for my wedding my BM asked if she could bring bf with, I said no because he is a drug addict and I did not need him there. She began yelling that my sm was allowed and I pointed out that she is married to my father and does not use drugs! Them my BM said she had nothing to wear. I told her to wear her new dress from the shower that she never wore. She said it was not dressy enough, I told her it would be fine. She said she had no transportation and I told her to talk to relatives and figure something out.

She never showed! I was mortified! My mother-in-law and my dh's siblings all asked about her. I finally broke down and told them what was going on. It was awful!
So I am not sure if it would have been worse for her to come to my events high....or to stand me up at all of them! Probably coming high would have been worse. I sympathize with your sd!

Ima, you nailed it. family is not and never was a priority for neither BM nor her family.

the thing is that according to both DDs and SO (whom i do believe now because I always thought they exagerrated) when BM didn't drink, she still ruined every occassion and always stirred something. so it is not as much drinking.

she also always picked a fight wiht SO's family, some of SO's cousins wanted to come to the wedding but didn't because they were scared of BM starting a commotion. She did not talk to most of SO's family for one reason or the other. Unless his family are very skillfull actors, they seem nice and I do get along wiht them, they all very easy going and very family focused, which she is NOT.

after I observed her for the past week i do understand all her crazy phone calls, emails and why DDs don't want to go to her house and if they do why they come back in tears and red faces.

it also seemed strange that this woman was the one who left SO (and younger DD who was still a minor) for this man. I can't even describe how he looks and how he behaves.

ima, DD27 was almost estranged for awhile not talking to BM because of how mom left dad (she moved everything out of the house -furniture dishes everything while SO and younger DD-still a minor were out of town), she moved all her and family stuff into apartmnent that she secretly rented with that drunk BF. she didn't say anything to anyone so when SO and his younger DD came home house was empty, mom and everything besides bedrooms is gone. later she left voice mails to both DDs that she moved out and now lives at such and such address wiht TOM. after divorce though she bought a house where she lives wiht this "classy" guy.

Mom2emall - I am so sorry you have those memories! Those are events you can't get back.

My friend told me one time "I wish I had a family like yours. I love your dad. At least he's never held a shotgun to your mom and at least your mom doesn't scream at you in front of 20 other relatives for no apparrant reason". My heart broke for her! All things considered, I have a wonderful family.

I could never understand why she couldn't separate from her mother. Her mom has said and done some of the most horrible things to her yet she still talks to her and gives her more opportunities to hurt her. For instance, when my friend got married at the JP, when he said "I now pronounce you husband and wife", my friends mother let out a loud "UGH!". Totally embarassing! And the next night at the reception, her mother was plastered and swaying all over the place telling person after person that she loved them.

mom2emall, how awful of your mother. i am so sorry you had to deal with it. BM told DD that if BF is not allowed there she is not coming to the wedding, DD was too embarassed not having her mother there so she allowed her BF. that was a mistake. she also said that how come finedreams is invited (DD20 told her i am coming). Well same answer: i am not a drunk and am appropriate plus I get along wiht DDs and know them well. Plus I helped wiht the wedding, plus you cannot even compare.

i think some addicts can manipulate people that's why people don't estrange from them. they manipulate everyone, make everyone feel guilty, or they raise such hell that it is easier to keep some limited contact than not having any contact at all. that's why DDs continue mingling wiht mom even if limited. same with your families or ashley's friend situation.

ashley, that woman yelled "UGH", BM was passed out so she couldn't yell but her BF ran up to the bride and groom after they said "I do", before justice pronounced them husband and wife and started kissing them all over and was told by a wedding planner to sit down.

In retrospect, it seems like the bride should have not only *not* invited her own mother but should have maybe had the ushers forewarned to remove her from the ceremony.

The ones who hurt us the most, embarrass us the worst, & cause the biggest disasters in our lives are the "near & dear" whom we let in.

& for a long time, over the course of many special occasions, it's very hard to say, even to yourself, much less to the world at large (& the world at large *will* want an explanation & *will* offer its opinion, & it *will* always disapprove of your selfishness if you don't give the troublemaker "another chance"!) "My mother is not to come to my wedding/baby's christening/birthday party/whatnot because she has ruined every special occasion she's attended & I've made up my mind she's not going to ruin this one."

After a while, I think we not only get terminally fed up, I think it also finally dawns on us that
1) we aren't obligated to extend another opportunity to mend fences or present a Norman Rockwell picture or whatever &
2) her behavior ain't never gonna change.

Nobody is entitled to make someone else's joyous occasion into an embarrassing, excruciating nightmare.

"I could never understand why she couldn't separate from her mother. Her mom has said and done some of the most horrible things to her yet she still talks to her and gives her more opportunities to hurt her. For instance, when my friend got married at the JP, when he said "I now pronounce you husband and wife", my friends mother let out a loud "UGH!". Totally embarassing!"

The first thing to come to mind... is how we moan about the BM's we deal with and how some of them treat their kids, who nonetheless, cling to the BM or at least hope their BM will change to be what they want her to be. We sit by, helpless as the BM breaks the hearts of these children we love... and Ashley, this statement is really a testament to the power of the mother/child bond and when a mom raises the child during the formative years (1st 3 years of life), it sets the stage for the dysfunction that the child learns to grow to feel comfortable with... and that is probably one of the reasons I have not cut off contact with my own mom... because my dad instilled that family is family. I know I didn't get that from my mom.

After all that my Mother has put us through we are always there for her. We shouldn't be and I regret it and say I will never do this again. Only to do it again. My Mom is home right now with a broken back from falling in the bathroom strait down on her behind. Now her lumbar is crushed and she is in a brase and cant even get to the bathroom now. We are at the hospital at lest every two months from yet another drunken injury. The last she had split her head open down to the skull. But we still continue to take care of her. I have tried to tell het that she is going to end up dead from one of her falls. she will sober up for a lil while then start all over again. Thankfully my dad has the will power to put up with her. He drinks to just does not get stupid. I am not sure what it is that makes us keep doing this over n over with her.

Like FD said maybe it is the guilt or she does raise all kinds of hell if I wont talk to her. I have changed phone #'s and moved but that doesn't work. I am close to my dad so with that come drunken mom. Anyway I guess this thread hit a sore spot.

I have never understood how a parent could put substance before their child. I am pretty sure I will never understand that.

Ima said - "and Ashley, this statement is really a testament to the power of the mother/child bond and when a mom raises the child during the formative years (1st 3 years of life), it sets the stage for the dysfunction that the child learns to grow to feel comfortable with..."

You're so right! I have told her time and time again that the phone is only a 2-way device when she answers it. But she always answers it. 90% of the time, she calls for something nice and then ends up in a rampage, calls her some disgusting names and hangs up. She'll call back later that day as if it never happened. And my friend is 30 YEARS OLD!

FD - the BF's actions are DISGUSTING! And why would your SO not be allowed to bring a date? I guess I thought an invitation was just an invitation and it wasn't like you got a free trip or anything. Some people can be so petty!

"is how we moan about the BM's we deal with and how some of them treat their kids, who nonetheless, cling to the BM or at least hope their BM will change to be what they want her to be"

very true...DD said that she wanted her mother there because she wanted to give her another chance to mend a relationship and have appropriate interaction wiht her. she probably sees now that it is not possible. she will not change.

what shocked me the most in our situation is that mom is not 24/7 drunk who sleeps on a street. she is a high school teacher, which tells me she can stay sobber for the duration of a school day. so i assumed she could stay sobber at the wedding. her BF could not, he actually drinks the entire day and does not work or works sporadicaly in construction, so I can see that he cannot control himself. but she could. she just chooses not to stay sobber for her daughters. and that's what shocked me. like she did it on purpose to hurt people.

she did some awful things in life like hit SO with a heavy item on the head once and damaged his hearing nerve. he said she was completelly sobber then and they weren't even fighting. it turned out that she was having an affair then (wiht a different man) and she later confessed it (why?). so maybe she hit him because she was angry at herself. anyways, this woman is evil and I hope I never get to see her again.