How to Make Your Sex Life a Priority

Recharge the passion and take your love life off the back burner

By Beth Levine

Youre so tired and distracted from your busy life that your sex life often amounts to a half-hearted kiss squeezed into the five minutes after the 11 oclock news before you both fall asleep. Sound familiar? What happened to that hot, loving couple you used to be? Answer: The only difference between you then and now is that you let your intimate time slip down on the priorities list. Couples who maintain a sexual spark are ones who have assigned value to it, says Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity.

I can hear you protest, But I want to get back to the impromptu hot sex we had when we first got together. I dont want to have to schedule it. Perel calls this the myth of spontaneity because even back then, you were really anticipating it. Remember all that thought that went into the right restaurant, the right outfit, the right thing to say, the right music! Or maybe you were frank with each other: I cant wait for Friday night to get you alone. That may seem like just teasing talk, but its also planning: On Friday night, you and I are going to rock. See you at 8.

The key is not to create space for sex on your calendar or in your homeinstead, reclaim space for sex in your head. Once you change your mental attitude, the right moment isnt hard to find. With a little thought, you two can rock again. Read on to see how its done.

1. Commit to being sexual. The one behavior that really defines you in a relationship is being sexual with each other. Why would you not want to nurture that? says Lou Paget, certified sex educator and author of many books on sexuality including The Great Lover Playbook. Heres a discussion you can have with your spouse: Our intimate life should rate at least as high as organizing the church tag sale or watching Law & Order, how can we make that happen?

2. Dont use the word plan or schedule. Unless, of course, you like feeling resentful and uninspired. You plan to paint your kitchen and schedule oral surgery. Sex should be an invitation to pleasure, not a duty to be endured. Instead, frame it in your mind as creating opportunities: Hey, Im free for lunch. Want to meet me at home for a matinee? or Lets book the babysitter for Thursday night.

3. Pay attention. The biggest reason affairs get started is because couples stop paying attention to one another, and along comes an outside party who does, says Paget. What can you do that will show you are still really into your partner? What would you like him to do for you? Alsoand this is a biggieturn off your cell phones, get off Facebook, stop tweeting. Sex is not something to multitask.

4. Put a new spin on it. The main reason sex in long-term relationships dwindles is boredom. Change it up! Direct your energy toward finding something new. Sex is an appetite so you have to create new tastes and sensations. Move to a different room, turn the lights on, add a different lotion or sex toy, says Paget.

Perel adds, When you risk doing the unexpected, you summon another mood, energy and sensuality to enter the relationship. You get back into the realm of desire.

5. Create anticipation. The thrill of the early days was in some part due to the will-we-or-wont-we factor. You can recapture that mystery, even if youve been married for decades. As you are leaving for work in the morning, say, Hmmmmm, maybe later we should  or Maybe Ill stop off on the way home at that adult boutique and find something fun to buy. (Too embarrassed to shop in person? There are many online sites that deliver in plain brown packages. Then you both can anticipate delivery day.)

Dont worry if you dont have toe-curling sex every time. Who can live up to that kind of pressure? You are not trying to out-do your 20-something selves. Focus on reigniting the sensuality and playfulness as a way to reconnect, a path back to the days when you both were at the top of each others lists.

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