Father Hunger

After completing a workshop on Father Hunger, which explains the long-term impact of the father’s absence after a divorce, I was asked, “What about when mothers leave?” I couldn’t answer. All the research I’d seen dealt with the impact on the kids after the fathers left. But I assured them I’d return with a wealth of helpful information.

That’s when I learned how little data was available on this topic. Even though authors like Jen Abbas (Generation EX: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain) and Stephanie Staal (The Love They Lost) experienced their mother’s departure, neither addressed it directly–and the issue has gone largely unnoticed in the world of research. So, my Masters thesis explores the impact of a mother’s departure on the children at the time, and after they grow up.

This is where you come in. The survey link below is for those whose mother left after the divorce—she was the non-custodial parent. If this is you, please complete this survey. If it is someone you know (sibling, friend, relative, coworker), please share this and encourage them to complete it.

I will summarize the findings of my thesis and the survey here when it’s complete.

In part one, we looked at the impact of Father Hunger. But what can be done to keep it from starting? What can a father do if the divorce has occurred and father hunger has already taken root in your daughter?

A father’s love is the most potent antidote for Father Hunger. Popular speaker, Tom Harmon, compiled a list from 72 high school girls that details how a father can better show his daughter that he loves her.

Spend quality time with me one on one.

Take me on “dates” … out to eat, to walk, or just be together.

Give me love and affection.

Make me feel cherished and that I am precious to you.

Really try to understand; and listen well before answering.

Give me your undivided attention when I am sharing my heart.

Give me clear goals and direction.

Be a man of strong convictions.

Be a spiritual leader to the family.

Give me your undivided attention when I’m sharing my heart.

Give me praise and encourage.

Hold me accountable to my standards and commitments.

Teach me how to do household maintenance.

Visibly show your love for Mom.

Spend special times with Mom.

Find time to spend with the family.

Set a good example for my brother(s) by helping around the house.

Share your thoughts and feelings with the family.

Humble yourself by admitting your failures and mistakes.

Whether divorced or not (with the possible exception of (14 &15) these can all be done. Harmon concludes his list with a statement from every daughter’s heart:YOU AND OUR RELATIONSHIP ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME!

Fathers (and all men), it’s time to stand against the tsunami of father hunger. Here are three steps that can help:

Print this list and let your wife and/or ex-wife know that you’re committed to strengthening your daughter(s) by doing the things on it.

Listen to my podcast on Father Hunger from the Champions Arise radio series.

Pray for God to protect your daughter’s heart and mind, and use you to repair any damage.

Regardless of how you’ve done in the past, begin assuring her of your love in word and deed. Though your daughter may give you some resistance at first, persevere. She’ll thank you someday.

Though adults with divorced parents are up to 200% more likely to divorce than their peers from intact families,1 two books offer us good news. One is The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn. The other is Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship.

Daughters of Divorce was written by researcher Terry Gaspard and her daughter, Tracy Clifford—both ACDs. It’s a bold, unpolitically correct look at the impact of divorce on daughters. Gaspard’s purpose was to “create a guide that helps daughters of any age overcome the unique legacy of divorce, so they can establish healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationships.”2

With ample research, stories from those she interviewed, and personal reflections from Gaspard and her daughter, Daughters of Divorce is a practical and hopeful book for any woman with divorced parents.

Their seven steps to a successful relationship begin with the sobering and daunting task of restoring our faith in love.3 After reading this goal I asked, “Do we even realize we’ve lost our faith in love?” Gaspard answers this with numerous examples of clients and others who have done just that. Some realizing they have killed Cupid. Others chasing, but never catching him.

A major strength of Gaspard’s work is how she peels back the layers of lies women with divorced parents believe and systematically leads them on a path toward overcoming those lies. While heartily recommending this powerful book, be advised that her views of self-esteem are not rooted in the fact that God created us, therefore our worth is intrinsic—regardless of how we may feel.

The other good news comes from The Good News About Marriage.4Feldhahn soundly debunks the 50%-of-marriages-end-in-divorce myth, and offers new insights into marriage that have gone unreported by most media.

For example, did you know that nearly 80% of married couples report being happy in their marriages? Have you heard that attending church regularly can lower your chance of divorce by 25-50%?6 Probably not. The Good News About Marriage is full of marriage encouraging and marriage strengthening information like this.

It’s great news for adult children of divorce (who tend to be fearful of divorce) that things are much better on the marriage front than we’ve been led to believe. For those who desire solid relationships, but doubt it’s possible, Gaspard and Feldhahn declare, FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES ARE POSSIBLE…FOR EVERYONE!!

Starting October 21st I’ll be teaching a six-week workshop on the impact of parental divorce. The topics include, anger, grieving, father hunger, boundaries and more. Learn how you can have relationships that are free from fears and break the cycle of divorce. The cost is free. For details click here.

I hadn’t planned to jump into this fray. However, because of the father hunger, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and the fear of abandonment that plague adult children of divorce, I felt it was important to share an article from Dr. Miriam Grossman titled, “A Psychiatrist’s Letter to Young People about Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Please read and share this important article with every female you know—particularly those from divorced homes because of their increased vulnerability.

I’m also posting this link to a presentation I did on Father Hunger. The video and audio quality aren’t stellar, but the message is critically important for any woman whose parents are divorced—and the men who love them.

My parents are divorced. What’s the big deal?

"My mom is divorced... her mom was divorced... and her mom was divorced.”
Like the slow descent into quicksand, every year thousands of adults with divorced parents get divorced--though they swore the marriage would never end up like their parents'. Unfortunately most are unaware of the wealth of research showing ACD are impacted by their parents' divorce in ways that make them prone to divorce.
Adult Children of Divorce Ministries provide resources which tackle the fears, trust, anger, and other issues that uniquely impact adult children of divorce. Once identified and dealt with, ACD can improve the stability of their relationships and break the generational cycle of divorce.