A Men's Room Monologue

Male Restroom Etiquette Video

A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Mens Restroom

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These
have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
"men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive
organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the
door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to
maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't
spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is
only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can
trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult
different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a
small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of
undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy,
discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but
is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the
management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then
middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or
don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich
orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they
look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore
her presense until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check
carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants
are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf
identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

Credits: A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM was posted by Dan Wallach to the rec.humor.d newsgroup on on July 26th 2000.

15 Steps To Pooping

...Like a Woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any
stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your husband. Also
wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet
since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as
opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any feces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee
that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your
husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to
open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to
watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and lower the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your husband and leave bathroom,
closing the door firmly behind you.

...Like A Man

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet
of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured
if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends
and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You
must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before
throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to
clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife
next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again
later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem
that other people smell his produce.

The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room

Unless you totally absorb your @#%$, using the lavatorial facilties is a very important part of daily life. After logging in hundreds of hours in the men's room (!), I can safely say I am an expert in the proper use of these facilities. I would like to offer the two most important rules to those novices when it comes to using these public facilities. Keep in mind that the following is written from a male point of view. I apologize for not being able to observe these actions from a female point of view (they always kick me out!)

Rule #1: Make sure you are in the right restroom.

This is a lot harder than you think. Just what DO those symbols stand for? Sure, it says "men" and "women", but how do we know for SURE? You can take a peek and risk ruining your reputation (or enhance it, depending on our life style.) Or, you could wait outside till someone goes in or out, but by THAT time, you probably need to go to the laundromat!

Let's say you take a chance and walk in. As a guy, it's quite easy to tell if you're in the right restroom. If you see a urinal, you're in the right place. For those who don't know, a urinal is a vertical procelain thing that's attached to the wall, and it usually has water in it. When activated, the thing resembles an art deco water fountain.

If you do happen to end up in the wrong restroom, you can do one of the following:

say something apologetic, then run like crazy out the door

yell "Bomb threat! Clear the building NOW!"

say "Hey! I'M not in the wrong restroom! YOU are!!" and watch the fun begin.

Rule #2: Never establish eye contact

If you HAVE to talk to another person in the restroom, please DO NOT make eye contact. Especially if one of you happens to be "doing their thing." I've always wondered: just how comfortable can you feel talking to each other in a very private and personal setting? I mean, how can you all concentrate on conversation with all that background noise? C'mon, when we guys take a piss, the last thing we want to do is talk to someone while we're holding our privates. It's even worse when two guys try to carry on a coversation when they're both taking a dump. I mean, how can you concentrate with all that noise and smell? Let's face it: this situation is extremely uncomfortable. In a public restroom, like in the mall, this situation could become dangerous, especially when "real guys" play the game of "What Are You Looking At?"

To deal with this, men have developed highly specialized visual skills. The most amazing of these skills is the ability to identify someone from just the footwear sticking out of the stall. This is a good skill to develop for you do NOT want to peek into an occupied stall. Trust me. (Hey! What are you LOOKING at?")

Back in college, we had a 5 minute break from lecture for physics class. Now, quantum mechanics can be fascinating or it can be mind-bogglingly boring, depending on the level of your professor's enthusiasm. Anyway, at the break, about a dozen guys would fly toward the men's room toward the urinals (drinking all that caffeine will fill your bladder real quick!) Now, in the men's room at college, there were 14 urinals lined adjacent to each other. I always found it interesting observing several grown men desperately trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else while urinating. I mean, they would do everything else BUT make eye contact. Guys would just stare straight ahead, straight down, but never at SOMEBODY. Not homophobia, mind you, but just plain old VERY UNCONFORTABLE. I find it funny that these guys would pretend to observe the beauty and engineering of a bathroom tile, or pretend to admire the fine piece of porcelain art they were using. Some of you guys who are more poetic than the rest of us write fascinating and rhythmic soliloquys on the walls. You know who you are!! In fact, many hours have been spent by scholars trying to analyze the social and cultural significance of phrases that begin with "Here I sit, broken-hearted..."

Anyway, keep these two rules in mind, and you can use and leave the public restroom in one piece.

Rule #3: "Never, under any circumstances, attempt to use a urinal that is in any way adjacent to one already in use".

This is important. If there are three urinals lined up, men will invariably take the ones at the corners. Which creates a funny situation when a third man, nearly drowning in his own piss, opens the door to the restroom and finds only the center urinal free. He will do one of two things. He will use one of the stalls, or, if all of those are in use as well, he will piss in his pants.

In really rough-and-tumble environments, like, for instance, the international headquarters of "Hell's Demonic Macho Studs Who Roar Around On Large Motorized Bicycles", this "adjacency" rule should be expanded somewhat. In such environments, it is recommended that one use the urinal that is located as far away as possible from any urinals that are already in use. In point of fact, it might be better to avoid restrooms in such places in the first place.