Things moved glacially in last night's episode of The Event, and right-minded people were left yearning tragically for Simon and Sterling to - I dunno - fall in love, or get their own spinoff, or something. They are the only characters I care about!

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A brief semi-erotic fantasy

Maybe the boring white dudes could be fired from Hawaii Five-0, and we could get the best team ever of Simon the badass alien and Sterling the conscientious vampire intelligence agent. Fighting crime on the ocean and stuff!

OK back to the task at handBecause no actual "event" has ever reared its head in this whole forsaken show, we are just going to come up with a bunch from last night's episode and try them on for size. Are you ready?

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Sean does not understandThis is a crucial event, which occurs practically every week. Last night, Sean gave us one of his trademark "let's recap what's already happened" speeches, where he pointed out that Vicky is now with him "of her own freewill" and that he doesn't understand why "a person like her" would do that. This announcement on his part, while the two of them are on an airplane trying to track down a person with infected lungs in her suitcase, leads to the best relationship argument ever.

Sean: Why would a person like you do this?
Vicky: A person like what?
Sean: You've killed people.
Vicky: So have you!
Sean: But that was different! I did it for free, but you did it for money! That makes you like a call girl of murdering.
Vicky: Well, chuh.

Lungs were ripped outSo the ultra-dangerous strain of Spanish flu is inside the lungs of the person that Sophia's people dug up. Somebody named "Alex" is transporting it back to the suburbs where the aliens are. Sophia has to figure out how to spread the virus quickly, and how to get those lungs. This results in a lot of tense calls on the product placement mobile devices.

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Fighter jets!Fighter jets are always an event. Vicky tried to get her contact at Homeland Security to bring on the Air Force or something like that, to prevent the lungs from getting to Sophia from the plane where she and Sean were arguing about who was a bigger death ho.

But then Sophia revealed that the new President is totally her butt monkey!
She called him up and said, "Hey, take your fighter jets off that plane with the lungs." And he totally caved. I seriously love this subplot. We also know that the VP is totally and completely corrupt because he wants to negotiate with the aliens and leave them in peace. Unfortunately, he can't carry out his nefarious diplomacy plot, because another event happened . . .

Sterling was grumpy
That's right, grumpy Director of Intelligence was grumpy. Sterling said, "I know you tried to kill the president," and the VP said, "Nuh uh." But Sterling is all, "Hey you got some of your unknown bio-catalyst on my sleeve when you gave the President that death sugar." And then the VP fired Sterling, who suddenly revealed his true face as a right-wing vampire inquisitor. Oh wait, wrong show.

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Michael was shot!About freakin time. Jeezus I was sick of that guy. He and Lala fled the alien suburb with Simon, after deciding that it wasn't OK for Sophia to order the execution of Simon and billions of humans too.

I would like to take a moment to point out that the whole "we need to make room for 2 billion aliens" plot makes absolutely no sense. The human population is expected to grow by 3 billion over the next 40 years, so what's the big deal with the aliens plumping it up to 8 billion tomorrow? I mean, if we're planning to have room for 9 billion, surely we can support 8 billion. This issue has really been bugging me. Maybe it's that the aliens only want to live in suburbs?

Anyway, Michael was shot and now Simon and Lala are running for their lives. And Vicky and Sean are chasing after a flight attendant named Alexandra, who has ripped-out, diseased lungs in her roley bag.

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An antidote for the President's stroke! Sigh.
Yes, there really is one. Somehow Michael got it from the alien who manufactured the poison (we never find out what event caused her to cooperate with him), and he's handed it off to Simon. So now it's a race against time to get the antidote to the President and rescue the world from Sophia's puppet government and Spanish flu. Or maybe it's a Muppet government and Spanish Fly. You decide!

Seriously, do any real events ever happen in this show?Yes, they do. And this recap has proven it. See all the events that happened? They were eventy! Plus think of all the other events that have happened, like exploding buses and zapping the Washington Monument and stealing uranium and stuff! Plus airplanes flying into holes in the space-time continuum and all those cute jackets that everybody wears on this show. (I hope you noticed that Sean had a brand-new jacket again this episode, and so did Sophia.)

Tune in next week when the President comes back and makes some comment about aliens being terrorists.