Tiki is not a glib god. He is an angry god who must be soothed with relaxing, exotic music, Mystery Girls and potent libations.

The question is not "what does tiki mean to you?", the question is "what is tiki?" The stop sign doesn't become a road decoration simply because we wish to minimize its function, nor does our ignorance of its message impact its benevolence or aloofness to our fate. It is what it is, and it is up to us to recognize its authority; not vice versa.

So the only answer to the correct question is, "tiki is whatever Tiki says it is", and there is no such thing as bad tiki. If it is tiki at all, it is good. If it is beyond tiki, then it's simply not tiki.

And Tiki speaks through those who practice fidelity to Him, not those who glibly hoist grinning face mugs and speak Hawaiian a little too loudly. Tiki is an intense god (as are all the gods), and recognizes the same molten intensity in His lesser beings. He speaks now of fakery-tiki, and His displeasure possesses the same intensity with which He approaches life itself.

Take "The Tikinator", for example. This grimacing ninny boasts imitation Maori adornment and sunglasses. You see, we are supposed to be intimidated, if not frightened by him. He is like the western youth who tattoo themselves badly, pierce themselves and adopt menacing poses in order to make people think they are bad asses. These silly folk hoist their pompadoured face mugs and pretend to be both cool and tough, when in fact Tiki sees that they are neither. Were the Rockin' Billy to actually encounter a genuine psychopath, he would run so fast the wind would whistle loudly through the apertures of his piercings. Were the hipster chick to actually encounter a real hillbilly sociopath, she would shit her vintage britches.

Sometimes Tiki speaks through the hammer and chisel, other times through just the hammer. Sometimes Tiki speaks through the shotgun.

"The Tikinator" has been tikinated.

And who are you, bald man? Are you too pretending to represent the will of Tiki? Is that the reason for the smug expression?

But how can you be smug with the back of your head blown off? It is a contradiction in terms, like "bad tiki".

And here we have little "Pavon", which means "peacock" in Spanish. Pavon, too, is grinning in the same manner as many other false tikis.

But Tiki says Pavon cannot help his simpleton expression, for it is something Pavon was born with, in much the same way as his cousins Bob and The Goof. Little porcelain peacock has an innocent, sincere befuddlement to his visage, and Tiki is touched by the sincere (unlike the smug, the glib, and the vacuous). Tiki is not without mercy: for today, little Pavon may live.

But Tiki is not like the Virgin goddess candles you buy in the grocery store, shelved next to the cans of refried beans. He is not a mikki-tiki plastic sippy cup, to be thrown down on molten asphalt by the creamed-corn-coated fingers of mewling, vomiting toddlers. Tiki is an angry god Who is enraged by false worshipers who misrepresent Him.

Tiki does not drink from skull mugs, but from the skulls of those who mock Him.