Monthly Archives: April 2015

Post navigation

While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she began singing a song about poo poo that transitioned into her spewing expletives and giggling.

Despite being an incorrigible cusser, I was taken aback.

Something about expletives coming out of a pre-teen's mouth has always scandalised me. As a 12-year-old, it shocked me to hear fellow 12-year-old Frank say "shit" at the beginning of the film Milk Money, never mind that the first film I ever saw was RoboCop, which was rated X 11 times before receiving an R.

I wish I could remember when I crossed the threshold from "oooh, he said a bad word" to "eh, fuck it." For all the hand-wringing in America over language, "began openly cussing" is not a life milestone that we consciously pass.

"Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
"Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)

The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)

Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)

"Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)

(Veep, S04E02)

"I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)

"Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)

"Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)

"Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
"Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
"Are you sure? Why?"
"I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
"So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)

Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)

"Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)

"How much this run pay?"
"After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)

"I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
"What's the difference?"
"You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)

"Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)

The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)

"Brian?"
"Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)

Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-

"I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
"Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)

"People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)

The film is set in an unnamed, decaying urban environment, where Gregori (Vincent Cassel) heads what amounts to a cult in an isolated compound. He lives with several women and their children, training the kids for killing missions.

Story Idea: A hotly anticipated music album leaks, and everyone who listens to the leak dies as soon as they stop listening.

Sketch Idea: Modern Funeral. Selfies with the corpse, obvs. Tweet your respects using the hashtag #roryin5words. Eulogies: 28 things you probably didn't know about Rory, 19 things only childhood friends of Rory will understand. A pre-recorded video is played of Rory reacting to his or her death – "Hey guys…"

NHL Idea: The team that wins the Presidents' Trophy receives a free power play that it can use at any time during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

"The spirit of Jesus is a man who never touched a booby." (China, IL, S03E02)

50 shades of Gotham (Gotham, S01E19)

Norma shooting her phone (Bates Motel, S03E06)

Norman in a dress (Bates Motel, S03E06)

"We're talking about freedom of speech. It's the amendment so important, it's literally the first one they remembered to add."
"For white people."
"With penises."
"We prefer to be called people without colour or vaginas." (Community, S06E06)

"Let's see you type more descriptions of my 'Houseguest-era Sinbad wardrobe.'" (Community, S06E06)

All-American Girl, heh (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E12)

Face Off Season Grade: D

"Sorry, fellas. Want to drink in here, you need a badge or a pair of tits."
"Art, [sigh] show him your tits." (Justified, S06E13)

"I'm just trying to fit in with all these legends and Will Sasso." (The Comedians, S01E02)

Pamela nixing the flashback (Louie, S05E02)

Bart Folding (Louie, S05E02)

Lucas Bros. Moving Co. Season Grade: B-

"My dad, when he moved from Rome to Seattle, he literally said, 'The fun part of my life is over.'"
"Did he happen to say that when you burst out of your mother's vagina as well?"
"Yes, but I didn't burst out. I was cut out."
"Straight through the old…"
"No, they went through her back. Very rare Italian C-section through the back."
"Oh, through her back. That's interesting. That's how you were conceived." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E13)

In China to donate his kidney to his dying niece, former black-ops agent Deacon awakes the day before the operation to find he is the latest victim of organ theft. Stitched up and pissed-off, Deacon descends from his opulent hotel in search of his stolen kidney and carves a blood-soaked path through the darkest corners of the city. The clock is ticking for his niece and with each step he loses blood. [source]

Will: We had settled on this other show idea. It was about… Val Kilmer used to, he stayed with me for a while 'cause we became buddies through MacGruber. This is in real life. He was leaving this one place, and wanted to look for another place, so he just needed a place to stay for what I thought was a couple days, and he just couldn't find the right place, so it ended up being several months. So that was what we were gonna write the show about. It was gonna be a partly fact, partly fictional…

Will: While [Val Kilmer] was staying with me, I was watching The Amazing Race. I was really into that show at the time. He thought I was an idiot for watching it, and then I got him fascinated by it, so we, for a short period of time, were planning to try to get on The Amazing Race together.

Val Kilmer should show up in season two of The Last Man on Earth playing himself. Celebrity survivor.

You know how people bemoan that MTV isn't music television anymore, or that History Channel isn't about history anymore? I feel similarly about most of the themed resorts on the Las Vegas Strip. Management has made hot messes of original concepts and designs. I mean, what even is Treasure Island now?

Ye olde Buca di Beppo

Sandwiched between The Cosmopolitan and Bellagio, the Jockey Club is the house in Up.

Considering that The Harmon at CityCenter is STILL being demolished, the carcasses of the unfinished Fontainebleau and Echelon Place resorts may just sit on the north side of the Strip forever, like scenic albatrosses.

The Fashion Show Mall is re-developing again. Remember when a submarine protruded from its facade for that restaurant created by Steven Spielberg?

Dive!

Submarine to flying saucer to…

Jackie Robinson the basketball player reportedly intends to build a 22,000-seat arena on the Strip beside the Sahara SLS, never mind that MGM is currently building a 20,000-seat arena behind New York-New York. Three arenas within three miles of each other on the same street?

What Vegas needs is a new stadium (cough, Fontainebleau/Echelon Place). Super Bowl on the Strip. WrestleMania. Final Four.

Little Things

The seemingly endless stretch of Asian strip malls that is West Spring Mountain Road

The combination Panda Express and Chipotle beside Harrah's

The store in the Venetian mall that shows video in its windows of Michael Jackson shopping inside on a loop

The swanky stand-alone McDonald's outside dumpy Circus Circus

The house on the way from the airport to the Strip with a unipole billboard planted in its driveway

The hipster-y area neighbouring the east end of the Fremont Street Experience

"I put peyote in the smoothies."
"Peyote at work?"
"As Joseph Rogan said, he took peyote before an MMA class and he said it was the bomb diggity."
"Do NOT make up Joe Rogan quotes! That is NOT okay!"
"Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? We could've just smoked a bunch of weed." (Workaholics, S05E12)

RT: Henry really should be the second generation illegal. That porn stash is better concealed than some dead drops they've used. (The Americans, S03E10)

"Diane, wait, stop! If you step on that plane, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life."
"Scott, you're too late. I'm stepping on this plane and I'm moving on with my life." – Chekhov's model airplane (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)

"Kirk Cameron. Alan Thicke calling here. I'm doing an ad in Siberia for horse bacon, and they're wondering if maybe we could get the whole cast of Growing Pains here. What do you think? Horse bacon, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. All of the proceeds will go to Christian ministries. And, uhh, all of the horses they slaughtered are gay. Heathen gay horses, yeah. (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)

The 2015 Alternative Press Music Awards will feature performances from Weezer, Panic! At The Disco, New Found Glory, Taking Back Sunday, Simple Plan, Sum 41, the Madden Brothers and many more to be announced!