The joy in this story is that it validates the childish imagination: something we always hoped was true is actually true after all. If David Cameron really wants to put Britain on the map then he should triple the Victorian explorers' budget and send people out into the world to discover these mysteries:

1. The Loch Ness Monster. The binocular brigade can't be wrong: there's some kind of sea beast residing in the Loch that comes up for air once a year when a man with a shaky camcorder happens to be camping nearby. The problem is that we haven't done everything we possibly can to discover her. One drastic solution would be to drain the Loch. Nowhere to hide, that way.

2. Dinosaurs. There's a sort of brontosaurus-thing living up the Congo called the Mokèlé-mbèmbé. There have been several serious efforts to find it and one theory is that it's a rhino that wandered into the jungle and got stuck there for a couple of hundred years. Alternatively, it's something the locals made up to get posh white people to pay top dollar to wander around in circles for a week looking for it.

3. Faeries. Don't laugh: Arthur Conan Doyle was convinced that these dainty little creatures existed and devoted the latter years of his life to making himself look like an idiot trying to prove it. Faeries seem to like lurking about at the bottoms of gardens and tend only to reveal themselves to impressionable teenage girls.

4. Father Christmas. The legend of a jolly old fat man who brings children presents has to have some root in reality. My theory is that he is real but he's also incredibly lazy – so he encouraged the world to think that he doesn't exist to get adults to do his job for him. If you travelled to the North Pole, you'd find him sitting in his underpants watching the Eastenders Omnibus, chuckling at his luck.

5. Mermaids. The sexiest of the mythical creatures – surely nothing arouses lonely sailors more than a beautiful topless woman with the lower body of a fish. Presumably the best way to find Ariel and all her fellow human goldfish would be to drop fish food onto the top of the water and – hey presto – they'll all come up to the surface for lunch. Scoop 'em out, put 'em in a plastic bag filled with water and sell 'em down at the covered market. It's a living.

6. Werewolves. Essentially a very hairy man who turns nasty on a full moon. I've met a lot of people like that in the north of England, so this one barely counts as a mystery.

7. Vampires. Of all the legends, this one surely has the strongest roots in reality. Elizabeth Bathory, Gilles de Rais – history is full of foreigners who got off on drinking blood. And in this country, no sixth form is complete without a couple of goths who pretend that they're full time blood suckers. The real things are said to live in Transylvania. Which would make them Rumanian. Which would essentially confirm everything that Ukip has ever said about the EU open borders policy. Hey, people vote for them for a reason.

8. Godfrey Bloom. Of all the legends, this one seems somehow the least likely. The Bloom has been spotted by a handful of prominent free masons hanging around golf club bars – but they were, by their own admission, very drunk at the time. If he does exist then his appearance and opinions would suggest that he's a Neanderthal, preserved in port and living on an ancient diet of pork scratchings and red trousers. If spotted, women should stay well clear if they want to avoid offence.