Eat right, don’t smoke, and sweat at least once a day. Everything else is genetics and luck. (Wait, sorry: that’s something your doctor most likely has posted in his waiting room.)

Like alcohol consumption, IV drug use is perfectly fine if you use moderation.

You’re full of thetans. The Scientologists are right.

The only way to find out if you can fly is to jump off the roof.

Most doctors are naked beneath their white coats. Their cuffs and pant legs are held on with garters, and their collars are dickeys.

The best way to measure health is by how a person looks with his/her shirt off, which makes Iggy Pop the healthiest man alive.

Interferon is produced by milking captured ‘Squatches. This is why you never see any in the wild.

Doctors would most of all like you to forget that the entire profession is little more than a century away from sawing off limbs of the conscious, robbing graves, and prescribing laudanum for everything.

My work has been closely tied to healthcare for a while now. My experience is that MDs are, on average and in terms of practical intelligence, about as retarded as anyone else. That thought’s either funny or terrifying, depending on when it occurs.

Shouldn’t come as a surprise. One of those depressing realizations that comes with adulthood: You get experienced at something, get some credentials, and maybe a few people to agree that you kick ass at it, all while continuing to fake-it-til-you-make-it. Most everyone else is getting away with the same bullshit, too.