Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Hang on a minute, I hear you cry, the Made In Chelsea Christmas special was ages ago.

Well yes, yes it was. It's just that, during the BAD TV Christmas season, I have been far too busy a) working endlessly to deliver presents to children around the world or b) getting hopelessly drunk on port in my mum's living room. Depending on how you'd like to view me.

You decide.

So, as a very belated Christmas gift, I present to you: Made In Chelsea - the sort of vaguely Christmassy one.

Andy has bought her leggings. Louise attempts to wrap them around her neck.

Possibly in an attempt to permanently escape the sheer awkwardness of this scene.

Andy swiftly averts her suicide and the pair do some sort of a making-up conversation, ending with Andy clinking his glass against Louise's and saying "Here's to us."

"To friendship." counters Louise.

"... Yeah... To friendship." says Andy.

"Uhh... I got you leggings. I thought that meant I got sex?"

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls are ice skating. Mark Francis turns up in his normal manner.

From afar.

And looking a bit like the ghost of someone who used to be famous in the seventies.

As quickly as he arrives, he wafts off and we waft over to Jamie and Alex.

Who are meeting in the Private Club for Gentleman Twilight Fans.

Alex informs Jamie that he might be going to Binky's for Christmas.

"I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE GIRL LURGIES."

"You can't go for Christmas if you don't love her!" says Jamie, like a toddler.

He also seems to believe that spending Christmas together means that you are married.

"And if you kiss her she'll have a BABY."

Back at the rink, Victoria and Sophie arrive and make a beeline for Cheska even though they supposedly hate her.

You could just as easily fuck off?

After staring at each other awkwardly for a while, Victoria informs Cheska that her earmuffs make her look like she's working in a radio control tower.

Oooooh... burn?

Lucy comes over too and Victoria calls her a hoodrat. Lucy tells Victoria she looks like an expensive prostitute.

"At least I don't look like a cheap one!" says Victoria.

This is like the worst remake of 8 Mile ever.

Despite the fact that each and every one of them is equipped with blades on their feet, no one is decapitated so we head back to the Gentlemen Vampires Club where Jamie and Alex have moved on to talking about Lucy.

"I reckon you should have one last crack at it." says Alex.

"I know I love her." nods Jamie.

Because love is... having a crack at someone.

This episode it seems that, as a special Christmas treat, we are being exposed to more Mark Francis, Victoria and Sophie than the average human brain can handle.

This is what Christmas looks like if you're on the naughty list.

The ghastly trio are Christmas shopping and, oh look! Made In Chelsea has finally introduced some characters who aren't white!

That's good.

Except no it's fucking not, because these men are simply here to carry shopping bags.

Depressed by racism, homeless samurai Bob has taken to breaking into people's houses and decorating their Christmas trees.

He who hangs baubles, is enlightened.

Sadly, he is shit at it.

He must now commit hara-kiri on a candy cane.

Jamie is also there and the pair sit down for a Skype chat with Francis, who can clearly no longer be bothered to turn up for filming.

He also has the Skype skills of a technophobic granddad.

They too talk about Lucy. Francis says that he and the other miners (yes, really) have a saying: "Try to stick to virgin ground."

That is going to be hard in Chelsea.

Elsewhere, Spencer takes his ex Lucy on a shopping date to buy a present for Jamie who is Spencer's best friend and Lucy's new love interest.

"Are you sure this is really something that humans would do?"

Then the music goes 'CHRISTMAS TIME CHRISTMAS TIME CHRISTMAS TIME' and we're bombarded with lots of Christmastime images because it's CHRISTMASTIME IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?Actually, yes they do.

At Fran and Binky's house (or Franky's) (or Bin's), Fran attempts to have a date with Alex as he passes through her kitchen on his way to shag her housemate.

"WE'RE HAVING SUCH A NICE TIME ON OUR DATE AREN'T WE."

They discuss how they almost had a relationship because that's not awkward at all.

Since Fran is such an excellent best friend, she also attempts to persuade Alex that he is freaked out by the thought of spending Christmas with Binky.

I think his hair is getting bigger.

Soon he will be all hair.

Back in the shopping place, Jamie sees Lucy and Spencer shopping together and thinks the worst, like a GCSE drama version of a Shakespearian misunderstanding.

Actually it's more like a Shakespearian comedy. You can practically see his heart break!

Hilarious.

Then it's time for the end-of-episode end-of-series fighting party, which this time is a Christmas Banquet because it is CHRISTMAS.

I don't know if you realised that it's Christmas?

The whole gang is there, despite the fact that they all hate each other.

Jamie is looking particularly miserable, especially when confronted by his own personal Grinch, Spencer.

How the Spencer Stole Christmas

At the other end of the table, Fran is still being a super good friend to Binky by making her feel bad that Alex and Phoebe are sitting next to each other.

"I just want the best for you Binky. And the best for you is for me to go out with your boyfriend."

Luckily, Alex decides he should be sitting with his girlfriend.

Unluckily, he also decides to make a whole fucking speech about it.

You know, it's not really required of you to make a speech...

Seriously, most people would just get up and move.

Opposite the Grinch sits Barry Scott and sister Louise.

Louise has come to the dinner as Tilda Swinton in a low-budget version of The Chronicles of Narnia.

It seems the Grinch wants to ruin their Christmas too, as he brings up the alleged SEX he and Louise had the last time they went to a dinner party.

This causes Louise to walk off and, let's face it, probably cry.

Barry Scott hates talking about anything other than cleaning products.

Also departed from the table are Fran and Phoebe, who were forced to sit next to each other when Alex did his shitty Love Actually musical chairs act.

They have a lovely and Christmassy making up scene.

"I'm nasty to my enemies because I have a reason to hate them but my friends I fucking LOVE." says Phoebe, festively.

Heartwarming.

Back at the table, Jamie decides to confront the Grinch about his shopping trip with Lucy.

"Jamie I can't believe you actually think that, when it comes to someone that you genuinely care about, I would be the person to stand in your way." says Spencer earnestly.

"Apart from that time I stole Louise off you. And Kimberley. And threw a drink in your face when you told me you liked the very girl we are now talking about."

Reassured, Jamie goes off to sort out some sort of Christmas surprise for Lucy leaving us to witness yet more painful exchanges between Victoria, Sophie, Lucy and Cheska.

Victoria asks to be passed some cheese then loudly remarks that it smells as bad as Lucy's breath.

Lucy straight up calls her anorexic.

ROBOTS DON'T MESS ABOUT.

A huge argument ensues, which only comes to a grinding halt when Victoria politely informs Cheska she would like her to not fucking open her fucking fat fucking mouth because she is a fucking fat turkey.

It's just like a real Christmas!

Everyone starts yelling some more.

Barry Scott gets so upset that he starts play O Come All Ye Faithful on a trumpet.

Guys, stop it! Look at what you're doing to Barry!

It's down to Jamie's Big Christmas Surprise to put an end to the madness, as Bob tells everyone to shut up because Lucy needs to go outside.

As Lucy heads to the front of whatever the hell mansion this is, music starts up that's cheesier than Victoria's uneaten cheese.

Ugh this is going to be shit.

Some horses' legs arrive!

Oh for God's sake.

Lucy looks surprised!

Stop it.

It's a horse-drawn carriage!

Lame.

Jamie is in it!

Fuck off.

Everyone else comes rushing outside!

Get a life.

Lucy gets emotional!

Get a grip.

And then Jamie proposes to her!!

Except that he doesn't, he just sort of tells her he well fancies her and then they kiss awkwardly while everyone else watches in silence.

One final, beautiful metaphor for this entire mess of a show.

And that's it.

Christmas may be over now but, thank you Father Christmas, so is Made In Chelsea.