The Rain

"Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.
Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our friends up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
That sinks with all we love below the verge;
So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.
Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awaken'd birds
To dying ears, when unto dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a glimmering square;
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.
Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feign'd
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in Life, the days that are no more!"
-Lord Alfred Tennyson

.........there was an afternoon I recall from about a year, maybe a year and a half ago. The sun was shining bright as always and the birds flew in the trees. The neighborhood dogs chased squirrels across their yards and my cat hunted for mice and birds. The day was beautiful and the sky was the brightest blue, not a single cloud in the sky. Bees buzzed around looking for flowers and everything was perfect. But then later in the afternoon, after then sun had already been high in the sky, dark clouds floated in from across the lake. These storm clouds, now they were menacing. Bulky and dark and evil looking. They soon came over our area and just like predicted, it rained hell. I cursed my bad luck because the day was so beautiful and the rain ruined any outdoor plans. I sat by the window sulking, watching the rain droplets stream down my window pane. And then I thought about something. I got up out of my chair and ran down the stairs and out the door. I stood in my drive way, staring up at the clouds that now covered the sky. And I smiled. I smiled because something I thought to be so depressing and cursed could still be beautiful. I thought about how hard life could be. We look forward to sunny days and sunshine, just so that the light blocks out the dark corners in our hearts. But at night, we all just cower in the shadows afraid of what’s unknown to us. Afraid of ourselves. Afraid that the thunder and lightning will take over and that nothing will be left but the hard, depressing times behind cold concrete walls. Other people think about the clouds, but never the rain. They only think that the rain is only good for hiding their tears. They don't think about how you can dance in it. You can just let go and be who you are without anyone else to judge you, because everyone else stays dry in their homes. The ones that cower in the florescent lit rooms worry 'oh I’ll catch a cold' or 'I’ll get struck by lightning'. But while everyone else thinks that, I was out being myself. On that one rainy day that I remember so well, I had the literal best time of my life. I spun around in circles like a crazy person. I pretended I was melting because of acid rain. I jumped in puddles and I even sung that old song from Barney (if all the rain drops were lemon drops and gumdrops, candy bars and milkshakes, oh what a rain that would be). I tried catching the rain on my tongue and when I did, I laughed. I was happy to act like a little kid. I didn't care if I got wet or if I got sick. I was home alone so hell, I didn't care who saw. This little kid that loved to dance in the rain, the one who still remembered that song from Barney -that was me. That still is me, a year later. But there in a slight difference between then and now. Our conversation we’re having has nothing to do with rain. Or does it? It was soon after that day, I think I met you. Honestly I had no idea who you were. I had heard of you every now and then because of my brother and his friends, but really I didn’t know you. But I wanted to get to know you. You sounded cool and I thought you were funny and interesting after we first talked on the phone. I looked forward to answering your calls every night and talking about nothing in particular. We dated for a while and then came the breakup. Now I don’t want to dwell on this part. But you said some really sad and depressing things that sounded like sad pure Tennyson poetry. It brought tears to my eyes to think that I brought on the lyrical words. I re-read them over and over and over again just to get a grip on how you were feeling. The words felt like a bird with clipped wings, deprived of the sky that it loved so much; unable to spread its feathers and soar high above the ground. They felt like autumn, with the dying trees leaving behind only its decaying orange leaves as a desperate attempt to leave behind a memory before winter. The words drifted off the computer screen and stabbed into me repeatedly. It felt plainly just horrible. That’s the moment when I thought about the rain storm and compared it to you. I knew back then that you felt that no one understood you. You thought you were just an outsider that nobody liked and that nobody wanted to be with. I thought you were the storm clouds. You came in and everyone ran for cover because they didn’t know what to expect from you. They didn't know whether you would bring just a light drizzle, or if you would bring the thunder and lightning and high winds. But I knew that behind every mass of clouds was a blue sky and sun that waited to shimmer down on the damp pavement. Just like I did back then, I ran right out to greet the storm at its fullest, not caring if my parents told me to stay inside or if there's lightning. I was who I was and the storm was what it was, and neither of tried to change that fact. I wanted to be with those storm clouds whenever they were near because I loved the rain...just like I loved you. Every day after that, whenever it rained, I send a silent thought out to you, wishing you could someday look at the clouds the same way. But I knew you couldn’t hear that thought. A lot of time passed with us not talking. There really wasn't a reason and I wasn't really mad in any way, shape or form. People came and went in and out of my life and no doubt yours too. And in my life particularly, loads of drama with my parents and all went down. I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs and not a soul could hear a sound. There would be times where I would just break down and have mental explosions. But when it would rain, I could just let it all go and be just free.... i really don’t want to leave New York. I don’t want to leave all my friends and family behind. I don’t want to miss my home every day. I don’t want to say goodbye to a life i knew for 14 years. I don’t want to say goodbye to you. i would do almost anything to stay here, to be with you, but some battles I’m too weak to fight alone....I’ve accepted that because i truly believe that i am alone in this fight. Because I’m the lone girl who stands in the rain. But someday when I’m old, I’ll remember the person whom i compared to cloud and remember he compared me to Karou and I’ll call him a liar one more time, and then smile.....

Subscribe

Get Teen Ink’s 48-page monthly print edition. Written by teens since 1989.