Thursday, September 17, 2015

Soelden 2015 Preview

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Our reporters' brains have finally cooled off from the hot California sun and they are now back to work. We are actually doing a story before the others because ski racing fans are already looking forward to the season opener in Soelden. We normally interview the Soelden Burgermeister about the opening races, but he was busy. However, one of our intrepid reporters scored a journalistic bonanza. We are interviewing OeSV president Peter Schroecksnadel. The only requirement for this interview was that we were not allowed to ask about the situation with Anna Fenninger and her agent. We decided we could live with that. Let's find out what Herr Schrocksnadel has to say.

BB: Herr Schroecksnadel, it is good to see you again. Let's start off with your picks for who will win the races in Soelden next month.

Schroecksnadel: As an Austrian, I hope that Marcel Hirscher and Anna Fenninger will repeat last year's victories. But Soelden is a course that is always full of surprises. We will have to wait another five weeks or so to find out who will win.

BB: True. The Austrian team had a lot of retirements at the end of the 2015 season. Will the OeSV move young racers up from the Europa Cup circuit to make up for all of the racers who retired?

Schroecksnadel: No. Our men's speed team is still very solid. Most of the men who retired competed in the technical disciplines. Anna, Lizz Goergl, and Eva-Maria Brem will be the mentors for the younger women. Conny Huetter has a lot of potential and hopefully she will have her big breakthrough this season.

BB: A couple of years ago, you tried unsuccessfully to get Fritz Dopfer back from Germany. Will you try again to get him back?

Schroecksnadel: How were we supposed to know that the head of the German Ski Federation hates coffee flavored ice cream? If we try again to get Fritz back, we will find out what flavors of ice cream the Germans like.

BB: If you are serious about getting Fritz back, we could let you borrow one of our researchers. We have the most intrepid research team in the business.

Schroecksnadel: Yes, I know. I may take you up on that offer if we decide to get Fritz back. If he gets on the podium in Soelden like he did last year, we will step up our efforts to get him back.

BB: Have you considered Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli and his Freedonian teammates to help bolster the Austrian team?

Schroecksnadel: Won't they have to live in Austria for two years before being able to compete for us? By that time, our team will be back to full strength.

BB: Our intrepid research team carefully read the FIS Big Book of Rules section about competing for another country. The rules didn't say anything about racers from fictional countries.

Schroecksnadel: I suppose we could recruit a Freedonian racer or two for our team.BB: If that doesn't work out, you can try to recruit some ski racers from the planet Zorkon. This was the same planet which offered to take in Anna Fenninger. Schroecksnadel: I'm not sure what the FIS rules are on competing for other planets.BB: It's a good thing you are talking to the Blickbild. Our intrepid researchers already did the work for you. There is nothing in the FIS Big Book of Rules about residency requirements when coming from another planet. Therefore, the OeSV can have Zorkonians, or aliens from other planets, on the team right away.Schroeksnadel: That is an interesting idea. I will have to look into it. We can have some space aliens work out with the team and see how they compare. People always say that Austrian racers ski like they are from another planet. BB: On another topic, were any Mafia hit men involved in getting Anna Fenninger to give up her manager?Schroecksnadel: I thought we were not going to talk about Anna's situation. BB: My mistake. You are right. Anyway, most of the Mafia hit men in the World Cup are employed by Head, which is what Anna uses. If anything, a Head hit man would let Anna have her way with everything. Were any witch doctors involved in Anna's situation?Schroecksnadel: No! We are Austria! We don't need any witch doctors because we are so great! Our ski racers bring glory to our country because they are so great! Other teams need witch doctors because they don't measure up to us. How could you even think such a thing?BB: What was I thinking?Schroecksnadel: Indeed. And you call yourself intrepid. Do your homework!BB: Back to the original topic of Soelden. Last year Ted Ligety's winning streak in Soelden ended because of the Naughty Ninja Stone of Doom. Will the course workers be on the lookout for the Naughty Stone this year?Schroecksnadel: Our course workers are the best and are always on the lookout for stones. But that particular stone eludes even the best course workers. Fortunately, we have developed a special radar that can detect even the stealthiest stone.BB: So Ted won't have to worry about his ski being chewed up by the Naughty Stone?Schroecksnadel: I think he should be more worried about Marcel Hirscher than a ski-eating rock. BB: Do you think that the Stone of Doom will go after Mikaela Shiffrin instead? After all, she did tie for the win with Anna last year. Schroecksnadel: I don't think so. Mikaela is a very sweeet girl. Do you think that the FIS would let us waive the residency requirement to get her on our team?BB: I think she's happy being on the US team. But I'm sure with the right incentive, she can be lured away to compete for Austria.Schroecksnadel: Mikaela could help our team until some of the younger members gain some World Cup experience. What flavor ice cream do the Americans like?BB: I think it may take more than some ice cream and Sacher Torte to convince the Americans to give Mikaela to the OeSV. But you never know. Schroecksnadel: We could really score big time if we got both Fritz and Mikaela. I'll have my assistants contact your research team to figure out what flavor of ice cream the Germans and Americans like best. BB: I'm sure our researchers will look forward to hearing from the OeSV. Well, it looks like we are out of time. It was interesting as usual to talk to you, even though you never gave us our prediction for who will win the races in Soelden. I guess we'll have to wait and find out like everyone else. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.
The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: No Mafia hit men or witch doctors were harmed preparing for this interview.

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