Me: I need to start at the beginning to understand what the problem is.

Mum: I can tell you what the problem is. Someone made a decision to make all the internet just one page.

Me: All the internet.

Mum: All the ones I use.

Me: All the pages of websites you use are on the one page?

Mum: No.

Me: All the pages of websites you use are not on one page.

Mum: No.

Me: More information please.

Mum: They’re all on one page.

Me: Imagine my face right now.

Mum: Why?

Me: Never mind. What happens when you open the internet?

Mum: I press the world symbol and I go to Ezibuy, no wait, that one is okay. But most of them it’s just one page.

Me: When you say one page, do you mean it fills up the whole screen?

Mum: Yes, who made that happen?

Me: It’s a widescreen design.

Mum: Well, it’s stupid. What’s the point of it? Can I turn it off?

Me: Er, no. Why don’t you like it?

Mum: I can’t go anywhere.

Me: You can’t go anywhere. Um.

Mum : I used to go to the arrow on the side and then they’d be other stuff underneath.

Me: Oh. Okay. I get it. Click your mouse on the screen—

Mum: That’s the problem there is nowhere.

Me: Anywhere on the screen.

Mum: Just like anywhere. Why would I do that?

Me: Because you love me.

Mum: Not that much.

Me: Have you done it.

Mum: Yes.

Me: Now use the scroll on your mouse.

Mum: Nothing happens.

Me: You’re clicking, aren’t you?

Mum: Oh, the rolly thing. You want me to move the rolly.

Me: Yep, move the rolly.

Mum: Well, Look at that.

Me: What’s happening?

Mum: There’s all the rest of it, all underneath there. Who is the person who made that happen? Did I miss the announcement or something? What a stupid thing to do. What was wrong with the way it was before? There should be a way to turn that off. How did you even know what to do?

Me: I, ah. I spend more time on the computer than you do.

Mum: Did you get an announcement?

Me: There was no announcement.

Mum: There must’ve been, because how would you know? Was there an ad in the paper?

Me: No, it doesn’t really work like that.

Mum It should. How did you know what to do?

Me: I’m just smart like that.

Mum: No, you only think you are.

Me: Nothing like flattery.

Mum: And it’s not just for Australia either.

Me: It’s like a disease, it’s everywhere.

Mum: It wasn’t even broken the other way. People just won’t leave things alone will they.

Me: No, dammit, they keep improving things. They should stop. We should go back to having manual typewriters and exercise books.

Mum: I was going to ask you if you wanted to come around for dinner but I’ve improved it by not inviting you now.

Me: Mean.

Mum: You can stay home and play with your rolly and be hungry instead.

Me: I don’t remember you being this mean when I was younger.

Mum: I was. You weren’t very bright.

Me: Really mean.

Mum: I’ve been storing it up for a long time and it just comes out now. Deal with it.

Ah no! I have written a few fierce mothers. Fetch’s mother in Floored, who throws things at him and I’ve just written a crime family matriarch, who beta readers have enjoyed. She’s a reformed psychic. At some point I will package up the Mum Missives book form – but I do worry it might be too much Mum in one volume