Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap – A Browntown Christmas

Let me start off by saying this episode truly pissed me off to no end. It’s bad enough that ParkSlop and Discoverup put this shitshow on the air in the first place, but to continue the web of lies and deceit about this phony bullshit family is an insult to anyone with a brain cell. They are still trying to pass this vagabond band of lazy phonies off as ‘real’ Alaskan’s that live isolated in the bush. Despite years of news to the contrary, there are still idiots that believe these people truly live the lifestyle they pretend to live during the summer while filming.

So without missing a beat, the worst show on television is back with another bullshit installment about how a family of lazy do-nothings is ferried out to a filming location for a couple months during the summer to produce the waste of ions known as “A Browntown Christmas.” Or as we like to call it:

In this special episode, we are treated to a Browntown Christmas complete with some of BullshitBilly’s family! I guess they heard there was a paycheck involved so they had no problem spending Christmas at a phony filming location in October with an equally phony family of bullshit artists.

The narrator tells us that even though Christmas in Browntown isn’t for another month, it’s never too early for the Brownklownz to get ready. Keep in mind this was filmed in September / October. Wait a minute… I thought in season’s one and two we were told that the Brownklownz don’t use a calendar so they just ‘guess’ when the holiday’s are coming based on the weather? Remember that whole line of bullshit? I guess since they all seem to have bush iPhones now they can actually get a reminder when the holiday’s approach!

Anyway, we start off seeing the chuds hunting for where the ParkSlop intern marked their filming location Christmas tree. They cut to BullshitBilly talking about wanting a Rockwell Christmas. I hope he means Norman Rockwell and not the guy that sang that song in the 80’s.

He’s been talking about a Rockwell Christmas for decades now, going back to his bullshit book “One Scam At A Time.”

DuhVinciNoah asks Bum if he remembers the time they spent Christmas on a boat and only had a picture of a tree. Wait, was that the bush or a boat? I need a flow chart to keep track of their bullshit backstories.

Finally, the chuds find the Christmas tree, which already had the lower limbs removed with a chainsaw. Notice how nice and clean the cuts are? How did they do that? They were only carrying an ax (how bush). Oh Parkslop, you and your trickery… I’m starting to think you cut these scenes so that it LOOKS like these incompetent buffoons can actually perform the most pedestrian of tasks with little effort on their part, but a lot of off-camera effort on some poor intern’s part.

After cutting it down, DuhVinciNoah puts his top-hat back on and walks along side while the other dull-witted siblings lug the tree back to the filming location. I guess he’s physically able to wield an ax but can’t help pull a tree along the ground? Like father like son I guess.

As they set up the tree, BullshitBilly gathers around the cast and laments the fact that this is the first Christmas tree in their new house. Stop right there… This isn’t your ‘house’. It’s a cabin built by a Ketchikan construction company on land owned by an actual Alaskan resident that leases it out to ParkSlop for filming! Stop calling it your ‘house’ or your ‘homestead’. Maybe show us the tree in your real house in Seattle (or Colorado).

Break out the tissues as we flash back to poor BullshitBilly as he remembers his last Christmas with his family. It is a tragic story, but it seems like he only brings it up when it benefits him, making it sound insincere.

He says he’s proud of what they’ve built in Browntown. Which means I guess they’re proud of nothing.

BullshitBilly says he invited some family out to be on their Christmas show… I mean celebrate Christmas with them. The narrator tells us that the people will be arriving in 24 hours! Wow, that was quick. 40 seconds ago you told us Christmas was a month away now you’re telling us that they will be arriving the next day!

ExtremeBore and BirdBrain are up next talking about their past bush Christmas memories. What the hell is he wearing? Was it on the women’s clearance rack at Ross? What the hell kind of look is he going for? He does look extreme in that shirt… Extremely CUTE, that is 😉

ExtremeBore is making a knife handle for Mutt, who is coming back from bumming cigarettes in Oregon after rehab.

After ExtremeBore carves the rough outline of a handle, with the knife blade in place, he proceeds to run like an idiot toward the filming location. Wait, didn’t you learn in school not to run with sharp objects? Oh sorry, I forgot you were home schooled by a lazy malcontent and a high school dropout that practices Munchhausen’s.

Let’s see if the finished product looks like the one he burns on screen, while also singing his hair. Dumbass.

In return, Mutt wants to build ExtremeBore a sled. He decides to make it out of the useless water storage tanks that were left littered on the beach a couple of seasons ago. Did you ever notice how shitty Browntown looks… Besides the inhabitants (ba-dum-tish). It’s become a garbage dump with all the junkyard props they had ferried back to the filming location. More on that later.

Mutt talks about how he and ExtremeBore used to have a sled when they lived on the bush boat. Wait, are we back to them living in the bush bush or bush boat?!?! I get so confused. Anyway, Mutt wastes time building an unsafe piece of crap that will never get used since they are never in Alaska during the winter time.

BullshitBilly, along with dead-behind-the-eyes Scami, tell us that it’s hard to have people visit you when you live in the middle of nowhere. “Middle of nowhere” must be bush-speak for “Seattle.” He explains how there needs to be several planes, trains, and automobiles… And boats, to get visitors out to their remote filming location.

Wow, it must have cost a lot of money for Jesus Christ himself to make a special appearance on the Brownklown Christmas Special. Oh wait… It’s just another hired extra aging hippie relative of BullshitBilly’s. Now that I think about it, he looks more like Getty Lee from Rush. I wonder if Scami ever wants any of her family to visit?

Once BullshitBilly explains who the hell these people are, they are whisked off to the filming location. BullshitBilly and Scami talk about how excited they are for them to see Browntwon because they are so proud of all they accomplished. Well, I guess they accomplished getting another season of their bullshit stories being delivered to dull-witted masses who still believe these people live the way it is portrayed on TV, rather than spending the cold winters in warmer climates like Hawaii or big city accommodations like those provided in Colorado.

Oh boy, it looks like BirdBrain and ExtremeBore are going duck hunting to waste the life of a living creature that will never make it to their table because of their gross incompetence when it comes to providing anything from nature.

In a quick cutaway shot, we see those water storage containers from a couple of seasons ago. Wasn’t DuhVinciNoah supposed to build a water system for Browntown using those things? Oh right, he’s a fuckin’ moron that never invents or finishes anything.

Still it’s a great example of how these lazy assholes just leave their garbage strewn all over this once pristine land. On behalf of all nature lovers, especially REAL Alaskan’s, I say “F#%@ you!” Brownklownz. Lazy, dirty vagabonds.

Sorry, I digress. Either BullshitBilly’s relatives are stupid and actually believe that this is where they live, or they are some decent actors. They stare in awe at Mutt’s tire house and the outhouse… or the other way around.

BullshitBilly is Soooooooo proud of his accomplishment. I missed the next couple of minutes because I had to wretch.

When I got back, BullshitBilly was in full narcissist mode as he just wouldn’t shut up about how nice it was to have HIS family visit and how it just ain’t Christmas without HIS FAMILY. And there’s poor ol’ dead-behind-the-eyes Scami looking up at him ever so lovingly as she probably thinks, “What about MY family, you self absorbed manatee?”

Cut back to BirdBrain and ExtremeBore as they sadly try and convince us they are going to hunt and provide something for the family. The only way they will ever get a duck for Christmas is if they stumble upon a bush Safeway or Krogers.

They fire wildly into the air, while making no attempt whatsoever to hide themselves. It makes no difference because it’s all bullshit. They show a quick shot of them firing their shotguns, then cut to some stock footage or B-Roll of ducks flying overhead, then back to them firing into the air.

Just in time for Christmas, I hope to get my bush version of Duck Hunt!

After the break, Mutt and AcidRain make Christmas decorations out of spent bullet casings they find on the ground. They have a heart to heart and hug at the end. Yawn.

Back to the two idiots trying to shoot ducks. And wouldn’t you believe it, ExtremeBore gets a duck. They will throw it in ExtremeBore’s dog bowl when they get home.

Back at the filming location, BullshitBilly and the others take out his relatives to do some shooting. I wonder if Scami will show off her magic gun that changes from a revolver to a semi-auto right after a cutaway shot?

BullshitBilly and DuhVinciNoah reminisce about how they always shoot guns at Christmas, which must really piss off their Seattle neighbors!

Cousin Billy puts $100 of his Discoverup Channel paycheck on the target and says that whoever hits it gets to keep it. K-Mart Getty Lee hits the bill.

Cut back to the duck hunt. They get back to their boat to find that the anchor and line are under water thanks to the incoming tide. Like a true extreme man, ExtremeBore decides to let BirdBrain get into the ice cold water and get the line while he stays safely on shore. Being 5 foot tall though I guess he’d be underwater shortly after walking off-shore.

When they get back to the filming location they listen to BullshitBilly and Cousin Billy spin tales about duck hunting when they were little. For some reason they bleep out the name of another mystery Brownklown relative that Cousin Billy mentions in the story. BirdBrain thinks it’s awesome to hear that she might have normal relatives outside of their Browntown hellish cult.

Again, BullshitBilly the narcissist talks about how proud HE is of everything HE accomplished and that his father would also be immensely proud. Yawn.

Scami tells her visiting victim friend that they have a tradition of eating spaghetti on Christmas day. WTF? How did you cook spaghetti in the bush? I didn’t see any noodles or Prego in your magic pantry bowl!

Scami spins a tale of Brownklown history as she talks about BullshitBilly’s grandfather being a sheriff that was asked to be part of the Bonnie and Clyde’s ambush team, but he declined. He said he didn’t believe in ‘ambushes’. Being a Brown he probably didn’t believe in WORK. I’m sure it’s phony, just like the rest of the Brownklown ‘stories’.

He tries to teach K-Mart Getty Lee how to start a fire with sap. He forgot to mention the BIC lighter that is also needed.

They continue performing yoga poses in an attempt to impress any 4th graders that might be watching.

In the short segment, we’re treated to a bush gift exchange. Only some of the Brownklown chuds get gifts. ExtremeBore can’t wait to do permanent damage on his non-snow sled. DuhVinciNoah makes AcidRain some kind of box with a spinning bunny on it.

Cousin Billy says a prayer. Among other things he’s thankful to have a Christmas dinner in October at a TV show set that they pretend is the home of the Brownklownz.

BullshitBilly yammers on and on about how he’s so bush and outdoorsey. All about him. They show some cutaway shots that are supposed to be of him actually doing work! We all know that’s bullshit since he hasn’t done any work since the 90’s. It’s funny that they show someone in a Canadian Tuxedo cutting wood with a chainsaw that is supposed to be BullshitBilly, but they never show the face… Hmmmmm?

Not to be outdone, Scami spouts words of wisdom that are quickly forgotten.

It closes with BullshitBilly AGAIN talking about how great it is for HIM that HIS family is there and what it means to HIM. A completely self-absorbed asshole.

In the previews for next season, ParkSlop is going way out of their way to convince the idiots that they are really making headway into creating a Brown-topia. They bring in a cow. NO! Not DuhVinciNoah’s girlfriend Rhainn “It’s a MAN, baby!” Merrill, an actual cow they rented for the few weeks of filming.

I can’t wait for the new season of bullshit, and rest assured we’ll be there to point out every spec of bullshit that comes out of the Brownklownz this season.

They’re so full of shit, no wonder their name is “Brown!”

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

This is my favourite programme,it is absolute comedy.I must doff my cap to you for these reviews which compliment the shitty source material perfectly.My favourite character is the guy with the top hat.

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