Hospitals are a bad omen, receptionists scare me, doctors scare me, and the people who bring me here are scary enough to scare anyone, even if they’ve had a high dose of caffeine.

So, Tolley, Dodger and Looney bring me to hospital just because they saw me this morning with a cut head. They are suspicious of how I cut it, but no amount of money or sweets is going to make me tell them how I did it.

But I don’t need any kind of bribe to make me go to hospital, because they, being the kind, sweet loving, childlike friends that they are… have dragged me all the way to a sodding hospital, just so they can catch a glimpse of some lip-licking, fang concealing, fresh off the hot-o-meter Cullens.

And I did keep bleeding all over the place, including the cream sofa, but I haven’t told anyone about that. No-one dares sit on the stupid thing, and I get told off for sitting on it, cause apparently, I don’t pay attention to what food I eat whilst I play Lego Indiana Jones, and Tolley’s getting sick of wiping the sofa clean of crispy crème crumbs...

It's not that I’m interested or anything in this Cullen Hunt (Oooh, good pun: “Excuse me ladies, but I am currently out on a Cullen Hunt, will buy jam doughnuts on my way home”), but there is something in this plan. I’d happily see the selection of vampires that we saw sitting at that table in lunch at school. Or are they really vampires? Um… well, they sound like they’re the characters from the books, but it don’t really matter if they are… I mean there are worse guys in the world… like guys who watch reality T.V for fun for instance.

I do remember having my eye on that really muscular guy, I wonder how many game controllers he’s broken in his time. If I can break nine with my puny skimpy chocolate fingers (seriously, I call them Paris Hilton fingers) he must be able to break even more. Well, it’s all right for him. He can afford to break things… unlike some of us.

So, in my book, it doesn’t matter if these guys happen to have fangs shoved in the back of their jaws.

Ew, why did I say that?

So, we’re here, Forks Hospital. Goody, lets spend hours here.

“OW!”

The three of them look at me with no sympathy. Well, I can’t help it if I poke it.

Oh, please… let their T.V have good reception, and cable, and a comfy chair, and a few chips wouldn’t go amiss either.

What is with the receptionist? Oh no wait, perhaps she meant to be optimistic… like she had to train for it. That or they pulled her out of the nearest scientific testing facility.

Woah… did that guy really just come out of nowhere? Oh, that’s the one Looney went poto-loco over this lunchtime. Whatshisface, Ernie? … Nope… Edward? Yeah, I think…

Oh no, Loony’s seen the supposed vampire god… give it ten seconds…

And in goes the sock. Insert evil laugh here.

I always told Dodger that she should always have extra socks on her person. One of the reasons is this very situation because some of us are prone to going overboard and we need to be silenced with a mouthful of unwashed wool.

Another reason for extra socks directly involve the feet and a decrease in temperature, but that’s a perfectly ordinary reason, so I’m not going to elaborate.

Wow… can a doctor be that hot? My old doctor back at home was never this good looking.

Ah, Dr. Cullen, yeah… I get it now, well Dr. C I happen to have this friend… perhaps you’d like to hit on her some-

Where the hell is Looney going…?

Ow, my head hurts now… maybe I should stop poking it so much.

OW!

So, we’ve found one lunch Cullen, and the Doc here is a bonus, so, where are the others? Edward’s siblings?

Huh, what’s going on? What? Oh that Edward bloke? Why are they worried about her? She can handle herself- Aaaaah, they’re worried for Edward’s safety? Ha, this is classic. What happened to the good old days when fathers introduced their daughters to stylish young men?

Actually, now I think about it, I hope they never come back.

O-kay, we’ve been here two minuets and Loony’s about to commit her first accidental murder, I think she’s beaten Dodgers record.

But anyway, Tolley and Dodger going to go look for her, perhaps that’s a good idea… a very good idea… I can do a bit of Cullen hunting.

So, the Mr Quack-but-a-hot-one is looking at my head and poking at it, I dunno how it’s meant to help my head, normally when I poke things they either bite me or punch me… but whatever, I’m getting bored now.

Although he has that office toy in this medical room, y’know the one with the little metal balls that swing back and forth? That’s quite entertaining to watch once you really get into it.

“So, how did you do it Helen?” Dr. Cullen asks me cheerfully.

“Uh…” Damn, how do I explain this one? Hit my head on a nail? Nah, it’s too stupid, think of something else, anything else! If I told him how I really did it, well, I wouldn’t be in this country much longer.

“Hit my head on a nail” I reply meekly, stupid reply, but I am a desperate girl.

Just keep looking at the office toy, yes that’s it! Stare at it Lexhen and try to make your brain –or whatever you happen to have in your head- figure out how it works while he cleans up your cut. At least I didn’t mess up my hair this time and I can blame someone else!

There’s a knock at the door and Dr. Cullen goes over to open it. I’m totally oblivious to the knock and still staring at the toy. The most that I’m thinking of is that I must get one of those things. My brown eyes follow it avidly.

Wow, I wonder if the bloke who invented this has email.

“Have you seen Edward? I heard girls screaming obscenities,” Says a male voice from the doorway.

My eyes break the gaze of the toy-of-all-time at the words ‘screaming obscenities’ and I turn my head to the door. What the heck has Loony done-

WOAH.

“It is nothing to worry about Emmett” Dr. Cullen replies coolly, going over to his desk.

It’s Mr Muscle! How did he get here?

“Yes… well” He turned to look at with a bemused expression on his face, I knew what he was thinking,

Yes, I am hot aren’t I?

Well duh, now get over here!

He’s a lot muscular than I thought, and a lot hotter, a heck of a lot hotter. I think the Cullen hot-o-meter just broke.

“Emmett, can you keep this young lady company while I get some painkillers for her?” He goes past Emmett in the doorway, leaving us to look at each other.

Yeah, sure Dr. Cullen… and while you’re at it, do me a favour will ya? Don’t come back.