Conan O’Brien Attacks Defense of Marriage: Team Coco Declares War

The sanctity of marriage is under attack in this nation, just like our children are waging a war on obesity and the 99% are going all “class war” on the 1%. The slippery slope that defenders of straight marriage warned us about has happened; a comedian just wed a gay couple.

Now if that doesn’t have you inflamed, let me explain what’s wrong with that. Comedians tell jokes, jokes that inevitably involve sex with a goat, which using the logical argument presented in most of these shouting matches, means someone married a goat. Just like they always warned us would happen.

From here, it’s only one minor step away from polygamy, and from there only one step away from bestial polygamy. I mean, it’s probably already happened in the scant hours since Conan O’Brien hosted and presided over a gay wedding ON LIVE TELEVISION! I mean my God! Gay people on TV? That’s unheard of!

Perhaps even worse, we now have Conan O’Brien as an actual minister. Now if that isn’t scaring you, it’s because you would enjoy communion with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. And now that Conan has irrevocably broken the moral fabric of America, you could marry Triumph.