Tired, fed up and Guilty

Registered User

I just really need to get this off my chest, it just feels that my mum is getting worse day by day and there is nothing I can do about it. And I feel I am getting upset by silly things that I know I shouldn't and I hate myself for it and feel I am letting my mum down, this weekend things are finally starting to hit me, mum is just constantly walking around the house during the day and won't sit down,she will sit down for a quick bite to eat and will be off again. She will want to go to the toilet and I will go to bring her in but then she says she does not like the bathroom and won't go to the toilet, and then the constant walking around the house starts again and she will always call out for me when she is at the far end of the house. We went to the supermarket today and people were looking at my mum and I wanted the earth to swallow me up, and I feel terrible for feeling like this. I know the strain is showing on my face and my mum picks up on this and I feel so guilty for this,because I know that she knows that I am upset. I try and speak quietly all the time but sometimes my voice is raised and I hate myself for it. My mum is having a rest at the moment and I am catching up with things around the house and I am glad that she is asleep and I feel terrible about feeling like this.

Registered User

I felt like that also , don't be its so understandable , what I found help full when I got like that is taking a respite , I don't know what your situation is about taking respite .

but I found that helpful also organizing time out with day-center , now mum mobility worse so she does not wonder around so much following me , but she still calls me if I am not around after waking up from a nap wanting to know where , what I am doing .

Registered User

Hiya Ashburton,
You sound really tired.
The endless walking really gets you down doesnt it - my mum was the same. I dont think there is anything that you can do about it - you just have to try and close it out.

Remember going round a supermarket with mum and a male assistant ws bening over stacking shelves - and she smacked him on the bottom!!! He stood up astonished, mum kept walking and I was left trying to apologise and catch up with mum before she did anything else. I did laugh afterwards though.

Walk proud when you are out with your mum. She has an illness that may make her behaviour strange. If necessary quickly explain to people that she has dementia. The earth does not need to swallow you up. You are out with the person that raised you, presumably the person that loved you and you love - be proud of your mum, whatever she does - she is dealing with a debilitating illness. If people stare, it is they who have the problem of not undersatnding - not you and your mum.

Registered User

Your post left me with tears. I've been in your position and felt exactly how you have felt. Imagine the guilt feelings I have when I tell you it iwas my husband of 40 years who was the sufferer of these feelings I had. He is now in an assessment unit and unlikely to come home ever again. All I can do now is to love him, visit him every day and do as much as I can to keep him as happy as he can be. God bless you and keep you strong xx TinaT

Registered User

Peter use to go down each isle and put loads of things in, normally junk food. When he was not looking I replaced it. At the time he was drinking Bacardi and able to read. Peter picked up 2 bottles of Barcardi, when I ask him why 2 he said "There is a sign down there" Buy one get one free. I did not have the heart to put the second bottle back. They do embarrassing things but we can laugh at them at a later stage. On one occassion we went into Morrison where we had been shopping for a long time and he asked Peter how he was. Peter replied he had Alzheimers and on top of that said "If you see me going through the door without my wife, please stop me. You cannot make lots of these things up. Best wishes. Christine

Registered User

Hi Ashburton,
Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel, my mum had her last fall on Saturday morning and has not got out off bed since (only to go to the toilet with my help) I serve all her meals on a tray, she calls me just to ask what I am doing and to straighten the covers but sometimes I feel that that is better than the constant shadowing and standing behind me ,then I feel guilty about my nasty thoughts.
My friends tell me I should think more of myself and not give in so much , but that is not easy when you have been looking after someone for so long ,and you care..
I do hope you can get some help with your mum and try not to feel too bad about youself I can assure you , you have a lot of friends here on TP that understand .
All the best
Paris07

Registered User

Thanks for all your kind words, am feeling much better now myself, compared to earlier in the evening, suppose things just got to me, so wish there was a cure for this horrible illness, but there is not, so have to make the best of what we got.

Registered User

Walk proud when you are out with your mum. She has an illness that may make her behaviour strange. If necessary quickly explain to people that she has dementia. The earth does not need to swallow you up. You are out with the person that raised you, presumably the person that loved you and you love - be proud of your mum, whatever she does - she is dealing with a debilitating illness. If people stare, it is they who have the problem of not undersatnding - not you and your mum.

Hi Helen

Have to say this had me in tears, but how true your words are, you are so right. I am out with my Mum, my best friend, the person who everything she did was for me, and who made so many sacrifises for me, so no more caring what other people think. Thanks for your words,they have been a great strength and have had a very positive impact on me, Thanks

Volunteer Moderator

Volunteer Moderator

It's natural to feel tired, angry, fed up, to want not to be there, to be embarrassed by the person with AD. These feelings often hit us. We get by them - sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it's a long while. You may have periods when you are indifferent also. It's a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

You're also trying to cope with the fact that your mother is getting worse and you can't do anything about it. I'm a problem-fixer by nature so I found it very very difficult to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't fix this problem.

It's okay to be upset, it's okay to be glad she's asleep. You are tired, tired, tired and need a break. You've had some good advice about getting respite care or maybe a day centre for your mother. Please look into that - you need to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to take care of your mother.