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Saturday, October 10, 2009

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ok, yes, there really is a holiday for everything - but that's not the point.

The point, my fellow cake lovers, is that today is an excellent day to consider taking up a new hobby.

I'm talking, of course, about miniature railroad building.

Or, failing that, I suppose you could try cake decorating:

Now, I know what you're thinking. "John," you're thinking - although you're mistaken, because this is actually Jen typing - "John, how can I, a mere mortal, achieve the unspeakable grace and beauty displayed on this delectable-looking delight?"

(Admit it: that's what you were thinking, wasn't it? Dang, I'm good.)

Well, have no fear! When it comes to cake decorating, there's really nothing to it.

Somebody failed their Wilton Cake Decorating classes! A LOT of somebodies failed! (However, the wedding cake isn't *that* bad . . . I just think a non-paid-non-professional could have done just as well!)

Hope the rest of the Texas "Hold 'Em in the Hospital (NOT)" Tour goes well!

My reactions to these cakes kept getting worse (or better if you are a glass half full kinda person). They started out as a mild groan, advanced to a quiet, "Oh dear," and finished with a tight squeezing shut of my eyelids while pinching the bridge of my nose.

I keep scanning the bakery departments of my local grocers hoping to find a wreck worthy of emailing you. So far the only things I have found are a few lovely apple turnovers that wanted to go to the party in my tummy. The search continues.

I think the little groom strawberries are adorable. Sadly they look like they landed in a pile of snow somebody unsuccessfully tried to defrost with windshield-wiper fluid that a dog later did it's business on.

i actually really like the first cake... if it had been done in different colors. the script is actually pretty. it's just barely legible since the whole cake is basically all in the same color.

oh, and i love the bride and groom done in chocolate dipped strawberries. but that's the only positive thing i can say about that cake.

for the rest of them... there's just nothing positive to say at all... in fact, i'm feeling sort of dizzy from all the crazy rainbow colors and the off centered designs. oh, and all the crazy messed up stars all over that one cake. i guess five year olds can take wilton classes too?

The wedding cake is a really cute idea in theory. It's a shame it looks like a kindergartener had a lot of fun throwing melted chocolate on it.

Also, I need to defend non-dairy frosting. I make vegan baked goods and I've made some vegan buttercream that is so delicious you would have no clue it's vegan. I mean, it's eat straight out of the bowl until you feel sick delicious. I use earth balance, which tastes and acts exactly like butter. Don't diss it until you try it!

I took the intro Wilton course many years ago and everyone there did way better cakes than these - even on their first day! Even the children! I would encourage people to try a cake decorating class though (Wilton or otherwise) - it turned out to be a lot easier than I thought, and I learned some great little tricks. (For instance, if your cake is lumpy and uneven, just cut the top off so it's level. The car cake above might have been helped with that one!) The great thing about cake decorating, which the professional wreckers don't seem to realize, is you can just eat your mistakes and then no one will know...

John and Jen, You guys are responsible for many couch snuggling moments in our house. I'll sit on the couch with my laptop, yell, "CAKEWRECKS!"and my 4 children come running. My ten year old really tries to figure it out. My 3 year old has the best things to say, since she can't read.First cake today, she said,"Oh, look, can we get that cake for Halloween?" Yes, yes dear. When you graduated from college during Halloween.

And the car birthday cake, she tried to do her normal "name the shape of the cake" game.

"Its a...its a sort of circle?"

The wedding cake was met by confusion by my husband, who also wanders in. "That's a pretty good wedding cake! Why did it make cake wrecks?"Why indeed. Don't worry, he's from a small farming town that creates many treasures that would be wreackable in big cities.

Haha, you can have a selection of cakes "you might be a redneck if you think this cake is pur-dy"

Can someone help me out here? Does the writing on the first (gray lady down!) cake say "CONGRANLATUNS"? Sounds a bit like medieval Latin: Congran latuns? Or Spanish! "Con gran latuns!" With great/large ... whatever latuns are when they're at home. Just wondering....

All the best on the rest of the Cakes Tour - and, as others have said, Take it Easy there, big fella':-)

Ok, so it's a quiet Saturday and there was an inexplicable PULL on my psyche ... Does anyone else see - in that ersatz pineapple upside down cake - a resemblance to some of Van Gogh's works? Could there be a cake-wreckerator somewhere contemplating sending a "gift" to a lost love? Will it show up on a cake someday soon? These questions and more....

Deborah in California who is now going to STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER....

YES! YES! Deborah in California, I did indeed think of van Gogh on that second to last one!!! Then I thought, that's stupid, no it's not. HOWEVER, upon seeing your comment I was encouraged to review it and let my Van Goghian side out to play! It's uh, v.g.'s long lost painting of eggs sunny-side up in the grass! Or an homage to the breast, on a pool table. :-) I dunno if pool tables were all green felted back in v.g.'s day, but yep,, they've got his style, no question! Lily

The next to last, green, one is kind of amazing and not in a good way. It could be a game of Carcassonne, a germ slide under a microscope or the breasts of an alien woman that Captain Kirk would seduce.

I know what the second to last cake is!!!! It is a chalice coral http://www.liveaquaria.com/product/prod_display.cfm?c=597+321+468&pcatid=468 I'm not sure about the color but it's a pretty good match look wise. Ok, it probably isn't supposed to look like coral but that was what I saw when I looked at it.

I don't know why the fifth cake isn't clear to people. Obviously, it's for St. Patrick's Day! See the pretty green shamrocks? See the orange to keep those northern Irish feeling included? And that white fuzzy thing in the middle? Why it's the blessed beard of St. Patrick of course, known to cure all manner of plague.

WV: teridThat wedding cake is a teridble waste of perfectly good chocolate.

Since there seems to be some confusion, I will add that the first cake today is actually green and purple not black and white, but they were loaded into the same icing bag, per the 1982 Wilton Yearbook, and the result was.. well.. exactly as the colorwheel might have predicted.

The addition of silver luster dust, of course, added to the general greyishgrossish tone. Piling silver dragees, colorful (?) rock sugar, and whatever else was at hand (metal shavings?) completed the look. The best way I've come up with to describe it was an unfortunate accident at a pixie mining facility. It was, truly, a sight to behold.

Hmm. The wedding cake could be very pretty if you get rid of the ruffles and if they had heated that chocolate fudge just a few degrees more! And kept it warm until they got to the bottom...the bottom layer looks the worse. I used to do cakes like that and when done well, they are beautiful!

The rest of those wrecks....I don't think there is any help for them! lol

The non dairy whipped topping sticker is the whipped cream icing. Like cool whip. It's not "butterless buttercreme." It's not supposed to be.

Also, people in grocery stores are not necessarily trained or even required to have any talent. I know I don't, but I still have to churn out dozens of generic cakes on a daily basis. They are professional only in the fact that they are paid to make cakes. And of course you can make this crap yourself. Nothing is difficult about cake decorating.

Wow, everyone here came up with great names for that pineapple cake. "microbial pathogenesis" "plant cells" "stained cells from biology lab." I was thinking of biology, but not at a cellular level. Two pairs of boobs encircled in uh.. green plastic leis?

I just went straight for "BREASTS - two pairs!" when I saw that picture.

#1 looks like it was rescued from a fire. Or maybe the 'Marketing U Class of 2007' was for guys looking to get out of the coal mines.

#3 As noted elsewhere, the tag warns of 'non-dairy whipped topping' backed up with a picture of a poo pile. At least they recognize the equivalence...

#4 What's more festive than an airbrush test pattern?

#5 The flowers on the border are not half bad, but the rest makes up the balance. 'Pepto Pink' is not a color for anything that is to be eaten, agreed?

#6 Not sure about 'sissy' here -- it's so...aggressive! The background is aggressively random, the 'Big Cat Clown'(?) graphic is aggressively off-center, the poo border is aggressively fluorescent green. Whatever this thing is sitting on is aggressively disorienting as well.

#7 could be a cake tribute to the Moonglobe from The Outer Limits. They didn't get the eyes quite right, though, and the tentacles aren't clearly defined.

#8 comes from a wreckery located at the intersection of Aspirations and Reality. Concept: adorable. Execution? Er, did I mention the concept was adorable?

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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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