(Closed) Another one makes it 9 – and it’s not me

I just leanred of another engagement, and am trying really hard not to degenerate into a pity party here at work, or have a freak out once I get home – Please don’t get me wrong, I am REALLY happy for this lady – she’s been through some rought tings, I think, and is a hard working new comer to our country, and now it looks like (I know this isn’t the reason she’s engaged) she’ll have an easier time applying for permamnent citizenship for herself and her daughter now, so I’m really happy for her.

But I’m having a yucky week with a stupid flu bug I can’t shake, I’m turning 34 Thursday, and I have a wedding to go to Saturday that I’m not 100% looking forward to because the bride is, well, not even certain she wants to get married at all – she doesn’t want to break up with her Fiance, she’s just wishy-washy about it, and has made HIM wait 3 years since he proposed to get on the ball, and even though there’s not wedding party – just her and the groom, her best friend from CA is flying in and calling the shots like she’s a Maid/Matron of Honor (even though I set up the dress shopping date and have been trying to make sure the bride has everything taken care of – she has no female relatives and our predominantly male friends are a little lost about some of thise stuff).

Meanwhile, I’ve wanted almost nothing other than to be married to my SO, so my friend’s little anti-wedding/marriage dance gets to me at times. I’ve been trying SO hard not to feel bad, and to be fine waiting till after both my birthday AND this wedding 2 days later passes before even thinking of showing my SO a few pics of rings I like as a “Hey, I know money’s a problem, but I do’t even want a diamond, so it’s within reach” prodding, if I can get up the nerve. He’s been sick, too, he’s nervous about Saturday as well, as neither of us knows how to help the bride when she gets into her crying jags, and he’s supposed to be IN another set of friends’ wedding come June (one of his reasons for not wanting to get married is his horrible anxiety disorder, making any time in front of people intolerable – but he said no to a JP?). I just feel like it’s everyone else’s time – always. I’m always just a couple steps away from what I want, but I need soemone else to make those steps – I can’t do it alone. I feel so old and unloveable. Part of this is the flu speaking, I know, I just do’t want to have this dicussion at home at all this week and need to get it out now. HA – I got introduced as his wife Saturday… and had to correct someone, again. Yay.

Oh and my Fiance has that same anxiety disorder—- Too Much Information but he catches it BAD when he is nervous or when he is put on the spot infront of people—- he still managed to propose to me and is very excited to get married- that is no excuse so I hope you guy figures that out.

@armychica06: I’m just upset with myself for my initial reaction – my coworker wanted some help just now getting some ring pics to send to her mom in South America, and once I had a taak to help her with, I was better (its silly, somehow helping these brides to be makes me feel less sely-pity-ish).

I’ve been doing so well lately, and we’ve been doing well as a couple except for Valentine’s where he tried to do great (and did, but he got me turquoise jewelry for some reason, which I don’t like and I didn’t hide it well and it hurt his feelings), but I know my un-met engagement hopes, which I’d really tried to keep low, kinda dashed it.

He can’t afford anything right now, like a ring (and I don’t want anything over 500.00, so, no, it’s not like I’m pining for some 1K+ ring, BUT I do know I’ don’t want a CZ – my mom had a lot and I ahve a lot of negative feelings about her, so I want my birthstone), so I know not to even dream for my birthday (and after Valentine’s, I’d really NOT wnat him to without some input from me – but to do so now would look like I’m nagging for my B-day)… he’s getting some things taken care of that he’s neglected a long time and it’s going to take a while to get squared away – neither of us make a lot of money, we’re both working on student loans, car payments and house expenses – kinda living paycheck to paycheck, with what we can get going into fix-the-house savings.

This wedding has killed my bank account already this month, with paying for travel and a hotel, and I’m not looking forward to the pre-wedding dinner at a pricey restaurant – eek. I’m sure tha’ts another things I’m feeling stressed about. A lot of our friends, this couple included, have well to do parents, and assume that we’re able to janut off to LA or Rome like they are, when really, it takes a few months’ steady savings just to take our annual one trip here in our state – my BF’s parents work hard but have to try to make ends meet, and I have no family I claim (or that claims me) to ever help me out via gifts or even inheritance.

@armychica06: His anxiety disorder is really bad – I mean, whe things get bad he’s almost non-functional. He’s worked a lot on it over the years, and I’ve seen improvement, but there are a lot o factors that influence it, and feeling sick with no time/energy for exercise hasn’t helped his self-image, making just going to get fitted for the groomsman tuxedo a thing to be dreaded for him (I mean, I have fat days, but I can still face the world). It’s hard to explain – this isn’t just stage fright or anything “normal” in scope – it’s akin to another person’s fear of hieghts or clasusterphobia/agoraphobia in its stength. Which I can deal with, as I meantioned I have no family, so it’s not like i’ve got some Kate & William fanstasy wedding in mind – I just want to waer some sort of white dress and have us tell each other, in front of an official of some kind (a ship captain would be neat :P) with 2-10 witnesses that we want to love honor and cherish each other till death do us part.

I’m so sorry–I just learned of another engagement at my office today too so I know how you feel.

I try to remind myself that it will happen when my Boyfriend or Best Friend is ready to make it happen and it will be just as special in a few months as it will right now. (More hopefully since I plan on laying off all the naggy little marriage comments for the next few months!)

I know it’s hard, but maybe give yourself 5 minutes to wallow in the bad feelings and after those 5 minutes are up tell yourself to smile (studies show the act of smiling actually makes you happy!) and mentall move on to a different topic!

I hope you feel better. I’m sorry things are kinda rough at the moment. But the flu on top of it all can really push someone to the edge. So, here’s to hoping you get over the sickness quick and you see a proposal even quicker. 🙂

I sorry 🙁 Maybe the wedding will be that little nudge he needs to finally propose to you. I know being sick sucks and it makes everything worse so I hope you feel better really soon. 🙂

P.S. It’s good to see that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is handling his anxiety well. I get extremely nervous when i’m the center of attnetion so I can totally understand where he is coming from on this.

I TOTALLY understand how you feel!!! It seems like EVERYONE around us is getting engaged, and each time it happens I feel the green monster rising haha I just had a conversation with my SO’s ex from a long time ago about what excursions to do on her honeymoon in AUGUST, they just got engaged in December. NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR But, ultimately, I realize, my time will come and I’m happy for her (She lost her husband to cancer in Oct. 09′) We went to a destination wedding last year, and a couple from THAT wedding who haven’t been together as long as us, also got engaged and we have been invited to another destination wedding for them in October. lol

You seem to have a LOT on your plate, but you also seem like you are very strong and vent in a healthy way…kudos to you! I firmly believe what doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger!

I’m sorry that financially you don’t have anything to spare right now, but when you can swing a little, maybe you guys could put something on layaway?

Thanks, ladies. I’m think I’m just under the weather and since I DO have green eyes (ok – hazel-green) the monster DOES come out more than I care for it to. I AM hoping that if both of these crazy-big weddings go off okay, (please, don’t let the bride this weekend have a meltdown!) he might have some of his fear fade – and at least it’s prompted him to actually talk now and then about what he might and might not like – he used to NEVER speak about it. I told him last night about my co-worker’s engagement and managed to keep it light and all about her and her happiness and how we worked to get some good ring pics for her mom and sister abroad. A male coworker is a professional photographer, but his idea of a proper e-ring photo lacked sparkle and while it got the ring just fine, for say, a catolog type of photo, it had her hands in weird positions (boys!) – I wanted the flashing and fire to show, while puting her in dainty poses.

I was good last night and didn’t degernerate into a weeping, “why haven’t you asked me?” mess, and being sick meant I could go hide in the bedroom for a while without it seeming suspicious. Ya’ll’s comments have helped a lot. Thanks.

Islime — I think you and I are on the same page about a lot of things. And as much sanity as we bring to this place, I think we all have our weak moments. I had a similar breakdown last Sunday after a weekend full of Facebook engaged announcement > 2nd Facebook engaged announcement > Facebook “I found THE dress” announcement > corny tv sitcom with retirement home old people deciding to get married b/c “time is precious” > cartoon move with people falling in love and getting married > cartoon comedy movie with aliens falling in love > getting ready for future SIL’s bachelorette party > trying on Bridesmaid or Best Man dress….. I just couldn’t take it and burst out into tears.

It is only natural, when you want something so badly, to be a bit envious when other people have it, and to have a bad taste in your mouth when other people take it for granted or don’t want it when they’re being handed it on a silver platter. I DEFINITELY know the feeling.

It doesn’t make us bad people. And it doesn’t make us wrong. It just makes us human.

Even though my brother and his fiancee are 5 and 6 years younger than me, I know that this is the right time in THEIR lives after a VERY long relationship (much longer than mine) and engagement for them to get married.

As much as I am ready to have a FAMILY, I actually am terrified of the realistic thought of having kids right now (financially and time-commitment wise). My SO and I are both in fairly stable jobs with moderate incomes, some of the extras (Uverse, Sirius), and a townhome. On one hand, I couldn’t imagine being able to afford, have the room for, or have the time for a kid/kids. And yet I see families (and for that matter, 15 yr old girls) being able to feed/cloth/support their kids on a fraction of what we make. And sure, I get a little envious when I see these cute little mid-20s girls with their cute hubbies and their cute little family with the cute stroller and cute little house — and it makes me yearn to start a family. But just b/c others have started families does that mean it’s the right time for US to have kids? No. B/c my SO works out of town, so I’d be going through pregnancy by myself, and raising babies by myself… It’s just not the right time for us, even though it’s the right time for others.

I am not particularly religious, but I do believe that God has a hand in my life and has a reason for everything he does. I have seen Him make me wait for lots of things in my life, and looking back, I know why He made me wait. I appreciate them so much more, and I have learned so many lessons from having to try try try again and wait for what I want. Conversely, my brother is one of those where (although he works hard for everything he’s accomplished), everything just always seems to work out for him. Everything has fallen into place for him on his first try. I am very proud of him for what he’s accomplished, but I know deep down that, perhaps, there are lessons that I have learned in having to try, try, try again, and then lose, and then try again, and then lose again, that he has never had to endure.

Ok, sorry, I’m rambling now. Back to my point.

My point is that, while your friend may be having marriage handed to her on a silver platter, she won’t appreciate it and protect it and be willing to put in the effort to make it work like you will. Having read your many posts, I foresee that WHEN you and your SO finally get married, you both will cherish that marriage and protect it, and it will last forever. Conversely, your friend may be setting herself up for heartache and divorce. Waiting is miserable, and I hate that we are both going through this. But I can only see it as a means to an end…. that end being a strong forever marriage that both my SO and I are sure about and sure that we both wanted to be in.

Just think….if I’d stuck to my March ultimatum, I’d probably be getting engaged this month, but I’d have to endure a lifetime of a dysfunctional marriage where my Husband would always feel like he was forced into it. If I only have to wait until July (the date that HE set for HIMSELF), then I suppose a few months more wait is worth it for a lifetime of VOLUNTARY commitment.

@LoveMyDogs:Having read your many posts, I foresee that WHEN you and your SO finally get married, you both will cherish that marriage and protect it, and it will last forever.

OMG you made me tear up. Thank you so much. I always worry that since I’ve not had anything “normal” in my life with regards to my very dysfunctional family and continuing issues with my bi-polar mom that I’m just not one of those people who will ever be lucky enough to have a relationship that doens’t require an explaination (not to justify myself, but once it comes out you’ve been together as long as we have, the questions come rolling in, even from polite people), be it my relationship (or lack thereof) with my parents, or my relationship with my SO. I feel “damaged” sometimes. I feel that I need to just be resigned to the life I have, and not hurt myself further with thinking of the life I’ll possibly never have – and most days I can do just fine – I’m just really tired and cranky, but have used up my sick days for now and don’t like disappointing my boss by being out. I want to be in bed!

Having a non-traditional life makes me question myself, and ask why things just don’t fall into place for me as I see them do for others, just as you’ve mentioned. I guess I’m atoning for something really horrible a few lives back or something – maybe I was Genghis Kahn.

The June bride keeps telling me she thinks I’d be a great mom – I keep telling her that the thought of hurting any kid the way my parents did me, and it’s not like they did it totally on purpose, scares the crap outta me, and I’d rather be old and alone than know I did that to a child – knowing what I know I’d either smother the kid or over compensate by being too distant, or a confusing mix of the two, and finances alone do not permit for a baby right now, or an adoption. Part of me feeling old has a lot to do with the couples we know who got married younger are now having their 1st and 2nd children, and I’m the last to not even be married, let alone have a hope of a glimmer of little feet even if I could get past my own anxiety. She tells me my life expereiences must have happened for a reason, but, while I also feel God has a hand in everyone’s life, I can’t figure what I’m supposed to learn right now, other than always Lysol your desk and office, and stop touching your face when you’re around sick people.

I hope you feel better too! I have been lurking for a little while (since a good friend got engaged at Christmas & I am helping her plan) and this post was so fitting for today, I had to comment. I found out a 3rd girl in my small work department of 13 is engaged..so I feel your pain/frustration completely. I have decided to go to the gym and really work off the frustration and cuddle up with my furbabies when I get home. I know you cant workout b/c you have the flu, but maybe focus your attention on some craft or some thing to clean, just to get your mind off of it. I hope sometime very soon your SO will give you that proposal. *hugs*

Thanks for the hugs – got one more coming soon – my 1/2 brother told me on my birthday yesterday he’s going to propose soon and will have a wedding for me to attend within the year. I’m not super freaked out like I was earlier in the week – still kinda sick, still worried about high-strung bride friend and the dinner tonight, but – life is what it is for you and you’ve just got to keep going. Here’s to hoping for a good wedding for my friends tomorrow, and that pushy CA girl doesn’t cause any drama.