Beacon shares your location via a text message that contains a simple URL. Any athlete with an iPhone or Android can use it, and any safety contact with a mobile phone and an internet connection can watch your back. Loved ones can quickly tell the difference between “running a little late” and “stuck on the side of the road,” and you can go for big adventures with the confidence that someone out there knows where you are.

Of course, if you forget to turn this feature off then loved ones can also quickly tell the difference between "going on an epic ride" and "having an adulterous liaison with a neighbor." However, this is largely theoretical, as the chances of a Fred or Frederica cheating on you are virtually zero for the following reasons:

1) No cyclist would use a ride as an alibi for an affair because no cyclist would forego a ride for sex;
2) Even if they did use a ride as an alibi for sex, the cyclist's spouse or partner would see right through the ruse when the cyclist failed to go on and on about the mind-numbing minutiae of the ride for the rest of the day;
3) No cyclist could possibly muster up the energy or desire to start an affair in the first place since cyclists have no energy or desire to do anything that's not riding a bike;
4) Cyclists can barely conceal their upgrade purchases from their partners so there's no way they could also hide the cost of cocktails, dinners, and hotel rooms;
5) Nobody would ever have an affair with a cyclist anyway because cyclists are the most boring people on earth (see 1-4 above).

Though even the pros are comparatively boring. Consider Mario Cipollini, whose image as a Lothario is almost certainly a media construct of his own devise. Seriously, there's no way somebody who doped that much could possibly have functioning genitals:

Anyway, all of this is a roundabout way of saying that the Coros helmet doesn't seem to do anything any other product doesn't already do better, including but not limited to: being comfortable; playing music; and telling your loved ones you just died.

Given this, my advice to would-be bike entrepreneurs would be to avoid trying to use technology in order to reinvent the wheel. (Or the helmet, as the case may be.) Instead, imbue your product with the elegance and simplicity of the bicycle itself--like this thing, which is basically just a friggin' sack:

Some of the unique features of the Bicycle Porter include:

It's fit to the saddle using an innovative design

The fabric stitch pattern around the frame

The super light weight design

Excellent aerodynamic performance because of its position behind the rider

Yes, aerodynamics is the first thing I think about when I look at this, and it's also the primary concern of the sorts of people who need to ride while carrying an entire bag of potato chips:

Though I do admit it would be perfect for a visit to Floyd's marijuana dispensary.

In a list of amendments to various road rules, Transport for NSW said it was changing number 245 in order to clarify "that bicycle riders are allowed to stand on the pedals facing forward, for example while riding uphill".It now reads that a rider must "be astride the rider's seat facing forwards", in what a Transport for NSW spokesperson told me was "a common sense change designed to make the rule clearer for riders".

This is great news for the scranuses and vulvanuses of New South Wales, and it's only a matter of time before they'll also be legally allowed to remove one (1) hand from the handlebars in order to take a drink from a water bottle.

56 comments:

159. Will public resistance prevent the introduction of technological control of human behavior? It certainly would if an attempt were made to introduce such control all at once. But since technological control will be introduced through a long sequence of small advances, there will be no rational and effective public resistance. (See paragraphs 127, 132, 153.)

In time gone by I used to be a competitive runner. One day on a trail run I came across a running shirt draped on a bush off to the side of the trail. I went over to it and as I approached it from beyond the shirt I heard the unmistakable sound of adult recreational entertainment going on.

For many years, my twice daily urban single track commute in SF took me through a section of GG Park known as "Windmills." One could hook-up and get laid here faster than you can say "laterally stiff." You needn't deviate from the trail but a few feet. I'm sure NYC must have many similar.

I had a vulvanus for a few hours after a brief encounter with Mr. small onions, the doctors were able to stitch it back together fine but l'odore di quella palla di grasso took weeks of scrubbing to remove.

has had that tracking for a long time. they call it live logging. i turn it off whenever i find it on (who the hell is turning it on on my phone anyway?) figuring it kills the tiny battery in my phone.

given that pretty much all parks and such have a carry-in / carry-out policy these days, i was thinking i could use the The Bicycle Porter. i'm thinking that instead of stopping when i have to "go", i simply set back a little and take a dump in to it while riding.

I know that the weed has a tendency to cause the munchies (I have personally experienced this phenomenon), but Floyd "The Backstabber" Landis might want to lay off the twinkies. Soon, they'll start calling him Floyd "Fatty" Landis. Eddy Merckzz has the fat assed former cycling great thing all wrapped up (that is, wrapped up like the crumbs left after devouring a dozen chocolate eclairs) and there's literally only enough room for one Eddy.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!