Extremely rich men, as they age, inevitably decided to build monuments to themselves that they disguise as ‘giving something back.’ They endow orchestras, they start arts foundations, whatever will look good on the resume of a dead guy. And so it is with George Lucas, who has tricked Chicago into letting him build a glorified storage unit along the lakefront for the stuff in his garage.

OK, OK, so technically it’s the Lucas Museum Of Narrative Art, but let’s not pretend for a microsecond this isn’t Lucas trying desperately to secure some sort of legacy that doesn’t involve the prequels. Especially since he’s paying all the bills himself, according to the Chicago Sun-Times:

The museum is completely self-funded; will be built, funded and endowed by Lucas; and has been described as a “history of storytelling” project “dedicated to the power of the visual image” as well as the world’s largest interactive museum.

As you might guess, the proposed museum will have a lot of Star Wars stuff in it, including a model of the Millennium Falcon from the original movie, exhibits from ILM (i.e. they can finally get those Howard the Duck suits out of the basement), and… Norman Rockwell paintings, for no explicable reason other than George drunkenly bought a few in 1983 and he has no idea what to do with them.

In other words, it’s a Star Wars museum that Lucas doesn’t have the neck pouch to just call a Star Wars museum. Keep in mind Lucas tends towards the grandiose when it comes to Luke, Leia and company; he’s paid for books to be written claiming that Star Wars is the modern version of mythology. And he had a decent argument for it before he decided to milk the cow until every last dollar was squeezed, and then sold it to Disney to wring the teats for even more cash.

So, essentially, expect this to be a museum largely about Star Wars and to screen those tough, non-commercial independent movies George has totally been working on and will start showing us any day now. But, hey, the Star Wars stuff will be cool.

Thank the power of the p**sy. Chicago didn’t ask for this, and Lucas wanted to build in San Fran. But his wife (from Chicago) put the Force down on Lucas’ X-Wing fighter and — BOOM! — that Death Star is now going to be built next to our football stadium.

San Francisco wouldn’t give Lucas the land he wanted to build it on and his new wife is from Chicago, so the idea started floating about building it there if SF wouldn’t let him, so Chicago campaigned and now they got it.

I’m really surprised Chicago got it, to be honest. Sure the location is pretty much on the lakeshore….but they’re essentially building this thing in a parking lot between a football stadium and a convention center.

Don’t pretend for a second that you wouldn’t give your left nut for a tour of the archives. You/we all love Star Wars and will no doubt visit the museum when we visit Chicago. You state as fact, with no knowledge whatsoever about a museum that’s not even built yet, that it’ll be filled with just Star Wars stuff.

Besides, you have no idea about the trove of ‘narrative art’ Lucas has. Rich guys collect art and he has a crap-ton of non-Star Wars stuff. It’ll be in the museum and you will go see it.

Poor people don’t open museums, rich people do. That’s how it’s worked for, oh, I don’t know. What’s the word I’m looking for …? Forever. That’s it. That’s the word. It’s worked that way since the dawn of civilization.

As you might guess, I worked for a Lucas company for a time before Disney ruined it. If you haven’t seen a Rockwell up close then you’re just talking out of your ass. The one I saw was spectacular. I couldn’t care less what you think his motivation is, the fact remains that he’s accumulated a lot of crap and we’ll have a chance to see a small portion of it. Better that then having it go to auction when he dies and being eaten up by other private collectors.

So, in conclusion, screw you. You poop in your pants and you’re yucky.