John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

My cousin's son died two years ago unexpectedly. She does not want to go on with her life and continues to cry each day. She has two other children and two grandchildren. I kindly suggest to her to focus on them, but to no avail. HELP!! I want to help her but don't know how.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Adele,

Thanks for your note and obvious concern about your cousin.

Unfortunately, we can guess that your well-intended comment about focusing on her other children did not sit well with her. Quite often grieving parents are told, “Don’t feel bad, at least you have other children.” Even though it is intellectually true that hey have other children, it is not emotionally helpful because their heart is broken in a trillion pieces about the one who died.

The other issue is a question, has she asked you for help, or in anyway indicated she wants help?

If the answers to both parts of the question are “no,” then this may be out of your hands, at least in a direct way.

One thing we suggest in this kind of situation—whether she has asked for help or not—is that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, available in most libraries and book stores. Read at least the first 58 pages [Part One]. After having read that part, you can give her a copy of the book with this statement, “Here’s a book about Grief Recovery that I found very helpful. I thought you might benefit from it also.”

After you give her the book, you don’t mention it again. Leave it to her to say something to you, or not. She may or may not read it, but at least you will have tried.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.