What kills me is when you message someone on here and they don't respond yet you seem them reply dozens of posts in forums.

That used to bug me with internet communication for a while, then I realized I do that too at times --- keeping more elaborate replies for when I can, whereas dumping poorly thought posts on public forums requires very little effort.

....when someone hurts you and you'd really rather not talk to them or have to admit you're hurting.
Ugh.
Just going to be that kind of week I see.

__________________

"People do not care. If you cannot keep up, you will lose everything."“It’s not how tragically we suffer, but how miraculously we live.”“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”~Tea is wisdom, just add water~

My biggest thing right now..I hate how sympathy gives you nothing but a good feeling in your heart.
I try to help my mother financially and emotionally when she needs it. I get absolutely 0 support if I ever try to speak of something she doesn't agree with.
I try to support my friends and do all I can to keep them from hurting, and how do I get repaid? Suddenly getting ditched and abandoned by all the people I'm having conversations with, with little to no explanation and a distinct lack of sympathy.
I've been reduced to where I'm starting to cry myself to sleep again. I'm sick of giving myself away to other people and never getting anything back. I don't mean to be greedy, or controlling over any of my friends, but I hate never getting any appreciation, and getting played off as the bad guy or the one who hurt them in their stories, when they never actually told me what was wrong in the first place. All I want is to be remembered by someone, for someone to go "Hey, has anyone heard from her? I haven't seen her in a while. I miss her."
...but that's really too much to ask. The second I stop being useful or helpful to somebody, the second I need a shoulder of my own to cry on, I just end up falling face-down on the floor.
Yet I can't bring myself to be a horrible person because of it. ..I'm stuck. I'm stuck and it is an utterly horrible feeling.

Bad day. I'm not mad per se... just... really exhausted. I feel likeI just ran a marathon, and I need to tell all of this to someone... so I better tell strangers! *logic*

So today in robotics we were talking about TV shows we used to watch, and one came up that carries some...bad memories for me. Long story short, there was one show that something in it gave me nightmares as a child, and terrified me. I found it for the first time in years the other day... and since I've been sleeping on my parents' bedroom floor because I am too scared to even sleep on my own anymore. Look, I know it's silly and irrational, but this isn't the point. So I brought it up in a very lighthearted manner because we were on the topic of the show. Well, then my team lead calls me away to do something. While I'm away, three of the guys thinks it's a good idea to play a practical joke on me. So, they make my desktop wallpaper the object of my fear. I come back and see my screen... and I FLIP. I jolt out of the room, collapse on the stairs...and I have a bad panic attack. I get these attacks from time to time, but this was one of the worst. I don't know how long I was there, but all of a sudden I heard voices and my math teacher from last year saw me and rushed down... it was just really hectic and it took me about 45 minutes to calm down and go back to the robotics room. All three of them apologized profusely, but I'm honestly not mad at any of them.... they had no idea it would cause such an effect, so I let them know that I wasn't upset with any of them. One of them took it very harshly though... and even though I told him it was find he was very bothered and upset that he did it (he was one of the boys that did it, and he suffers from depression, so he took it harshly). Thankfully he's feeling better now, even though he still feels bad about it. I just... blegh. I have a terrible headache and I need sleep but now I am too terrified to go to sleep.

I just...am exhausted.
And for future reference, guys, never tell a depressed person to 'stop being depressing'. And then don't get annoyed when they tell you that doesn't help. And don't go offline before they can explain themselves. I was just trying to help you learn how to deal with me when I'm like this...
I don't know what set me off to be acting this badly. A lot of horrible memories, thoughts, and emotions pretty much had an explosion inside of me. I thought I was getting better..but basically, I've been crying or trying to cry for a couple of days constantly now, and pretty much went kind of insane for a bit, though I blame that on listening to creepy Halloween music as I'm thinking all these crazy things. For the first time ever I honestly grabbed a pair of scissors and thought seriously about cutting (though I never actually did, I made myself calm down because a friend contacted me just as I was going to). I had to sit down, and for a good hour just listen to piano music and try to calm myself down.
I'm hoping tonight was the worst of it, and this all gets better soon. I'm scared for myself and I just want to make myself be happy without having to cling to this friend that's stopped talking to me; I don't want a crutch, I want to be able to be happy on my own.
I'll just...try to keep myself in check.

I always want to post here, venting about crap that no one cares about, but then I get to reading all your guys' and besides mine losing all the importance it once had to me, I get all soft-hearted and I find I'm not angry or pissed enough to rant anymore. So I'm left stalking the thread and feeling helpless ^-^;

I just...am exhausted.
And for future reference, guys, never tell a depressed person to 'stop being depressing'. And then don't get annoyed when they tell you that doesn't help. And don't go offline before they can explain themselves. I was just trying to help you learn how to deal with me when I'm like this...
I don't know what set me off to be acting this badly. A lot of horrible memories, thoughts, and emotions pretty much had an explosion inside of me. I thought I was getting better..but basically, I've been crying or trying to cry for a couple of days constantly now, and pretty much went kind of insane for a bit, though I blame that on listening to creepy Halloween music as I'm thinking all these crazy things. For the first time ever I honestly grabbed a pair of scissors and thought seriously about cutting (though I never actually did, I made myself calm down because a friend contacted me just as I was going to). I had to sit down, and for a good hour just listen to piano music and try to calm myself down.
I'm hoping tonight was the worst of it, and this all gets better soon. I'm scared for myself and I just want to make myself be happy without having to cling to this friend that's stopped talking to me; I don't want a crutch, I want to be able to be happy on my own.
I'll just...try to keep myself in check.

Funtom, the best advice I feel like I can offer you is to lose this friend you feel dependent on. Allow me to clarify this statement with assuring you that it is going to suck, and it is probably going to hurt like hell at first, but in order to stand on your own two feet you've got to detach yourself from the person you're conjoined to.
Trying to justify why you shouldn't leave someone when your needs aren't being met and you aren't willing to voice your frustrations in an objective, constructive way, while the other half of the equation is also deaf to the idea of working to improve your relationship, you're only going to continue to feel worse festering like this. You're not helping anybody as you are. You've gotta move forward, love, and making the first incision towards tearing yourself away from these problems is going to be one of the hardest ones to make. Like quitting smoking, starting to work out after years away from the gym, pushing away the bottle or whatever other habit applicable, you've just got to get through that first awful week, and the rest gets moderately easier to deal with from thereon.

This might sound super lame, but do you have schoolwork? Because I want you to throw yourself the fuck into it the entire day you're at school. Make yourself interested and focused on it, don't even talk to other people if it's going to distract or sadden you. And when you get home, with you being a cosplayer with a number of great cosplays under your belt, throw yourself the fuck into those as well. And if not cosplay, what are your other hobbies? Do you like to read? Read the whole time you're home until you go to bed. Do you like to write? Write through the whole night until you fall asleep. Cut wigs, run, work out, draw, build houses of cards. Find something that is going to sufficiently distract you until your mind begins to ease out of the habit of 'I wonder what X is doing right now, I wonder if X is angry at me, I'm angry at X because of Y, and God what did X do that and I why did I do that and I should really try to call or message X because now I need answers or need to apologize...'.
Which it will; your subconscious is amazing and resilient in the way it adapts to changing emotional climates. The more attention you pull away from the subject of what's bothering you, the less compulsively you'll start to think about it. And it's going to be hard to stop thinking about it; the more you think about stopping to think about it/control your thoughts about it, the more you're actually thinking about stopping to think about it/control your thoughts about it, and ultimately you'll end up thinking about it twice as much as you were before/relinquishing the control you wanted over your mind in the first place and defeating yourself in your own goal. That's where the distraction becomes essential. Find something you like and fucking fuse with it. You need to relax and deserve to relax more than anything right now, and you'll feel even better about yourself if you start accomplishing things both at school and in your personal life.

And if you need someone to talk to or someone to just listen, PM me and we'll hash shit out. I like to believe that I've gone through some similar experiences, and occasionally it's just kind of nice knowing that someone's got your back on subjects like this.

Got into bed early to be well-rested for midterms tomorrow. Four hours later and I haven't slept a wink due to the WEIRDEST cough I've ever had. I could've been using the past four hours to study, or sleep, but now I've accomplished neither. Tomorrow won't be fun.

In other news; The DA forums are like the Fitness Forums here. It's a dark shadowy landscape of barren woes and broken dreams where only the most seasoned warriors dare enter. Many do not come out alive.