Utilizing the principles of the emerging science of biomimicry, Zipp engineers studied the environment around them for instances of how nature solved similar problems of speed, control, and efficiency for the next generation of Zipp wheels. Think of a humpback whale’s fast but graceful movements thanks to the special features on the leading edge of its pectoral fins, or the unique micro texture of a shark’s skin, which gives it the ability to glide effortlessly through the water. These structures inspired Zipp advanced development engineers to, for the first time, systematically apply biomimicry to solve the complex challenge of designing a wheel that reduces both aerodynamic drag and side force.

Oh my god.

Please allow me to translate:

Utilizing time-tested principles of bilking Freds out of large sums of money by turning scientific terms into marketing buzzwords, Zipp's marketing team turned to Google to solve the problem of how wheels can't get any rounder and found this cool-sounding word "biomimicry." Think of a humpback whale's ability to make Freds feel better about the fact that they're at least 40lbs too heavy to get any performance benefit from these things, and think of a shark's skin because sharks are cool. These magnificent creatures inspired Zipp's hand-picked team of bullshit artists to solve the complex challenge of selling even more overpriced wheels to sucky Freds and tridorks who already own multiple pairs.
Come on, this is even dumber than Fizik's "Spine Concept," where you were supposed to pick an inner "scranus animal" before buying a saddle:

(I notice "I'm easily duped" is not an option.)

And yes, Brooks and Fizik are both under the same corporate umbrella, but at least Brooks's "Retrogrouch Concept" was a little more honest:

No matter how you responded the answer was always "B17."

Anyway, in addition to biomimicry and wheels inspired by the stiffness of whale boners, Zipp has also come up with a staggering amount of proprietary gimmicks. Here they are:

We're getting very close to the point where wheels will have more bullshit trademarked terms than actual spokes.

But they are hand-curated Indianapolis:

Each Indianapolis-made 454 NSW rim requires 12 hours to create and represents a true blending of hand craftsmanship and advanced manufacturing techniques. After each rim is laid up, molded, drilled, printed, and inspected, every wheel is assembled and tensioned entirely by hand in Indianapolis. 454 NSW rims are laced to our Portuguese-made Cognition hubs using Belgian Sapim® CX-Ray spokes and Secure Lock nipples for unmatched performance and reliability that is made to last.

Yet after all that you still suck.

No word if they're gravel compatible, so that can only mean a more expensive version is in the works. Presumably this pair will cost twice as much due to its biomimetic Gastrolith™ gizzard stone rim bed technology.

In other news, like many Americans I'm still thinking about the election. Specifically I'm thinking about how years from now when we're part of Putin's global empire we'll turn to each other and say, "So where were you when you learned Trump won?" Well, all I know is when I got on a subway train in Brooklyn everything was fine, and by the time I got off the train in the Bronx Trump had clinched it.

I shuffled off the train as if part of a funeral procession, but incredibly there were signs of hope! The area around the subway station is a pedestrian nightmare, but now it was littered with traffic cones. "Great!," I thought to myself. "They're finally going to do something about the quagmire of diagonal parking spaces:"

"And the goddamn sidewalk crater!"

As visions of pedestrian plazas and traffic calming and buffers discouraging heedless drop-offs danced in my head I checked out this sign and found out the reason for the cones is that they were filming an episode of "The Blacklist:"

My hopes were dashed twice in rapid succession.

Speaking of the election, I finally got a chance to take my official post-Election Day ride this morning, which is the reason for my more-than-usual tardiness:

I was very nearly home and riding up a particularly steep street when an oncoming motorist stopped and asked for directions.

"Were's the blah-blahblah-blah?," she asked, a cigarette dangling from between her fingers.

No excuse me, nothing.

It's a pretty quiet street, but there we were in the middle of it, with traffic liable to arrive at any time. I didn't immediately know the place she was asking for but I thought I did. I felt nervous and at the same time wanted to be helpful and so racked my tiny brain. Then it hit me:Why the fuck am I bothering?

"Sorry, I dunno," I answered, and rode off.

And at that moment, I made a solemn promise to myself, which is to never, ever give a motorist directions again, no matter what the circumstances. I don't care if we're right in front of the place you're trying to get to, 'cause I ain't telling. The most you're getting out of me is a "No idea." Too often I have been stopped while cycling, 2nd Ave. traffic bearing down on us while some moron asks me how to get to 1st Ave. Too often I have been stopped while pushing a stroller in a crosswalk, my tiny window rapidly closing while some vapid SUV pilot attempts to tap my valuable wisdom. Too often I have been driving when some suburban dolt wastes a whole cycle of the light asking me how to get someplace while I bite my tongue to refrain from yelling, "I don't live in this stupid fucking town!"

Get your wheels quick,because the new tariffs that are going to be imposed on Portuguese hubs and Belgian nipples will make these wheels even more expensive,unless Pence's Indiana gets a special import deal.

When I was a younger, more naive fred (at least according to the theory of fred relativity), I bought one of those Fizik saddles using that spine concept gimmickry (imagine a doofus at the LBS bent over in front of a mirror and intently looking at the box wondering "How close am to touching my toes..."). Afterwards my back was in searing pain after every ride. I sensibly said, "F--- this. Never again" after a week. Years later, a friend gave me their entirely different spine inspired fizik saddle after my old saddle broke and I was in a pinch. Turned out it was great. It's the most comfortable saddle I've ever ridden.

I refrained from directing fossil fools for a number of years...missdirecting is oh so evil..but feels good making an indirect contribution to global warming and the frustration of seeing the world pass by through a sheet of glass with the slight uneasy feeling that you might have been given bad directions...

Those Zippy $4000 wheels are the height of Fredipity. If you noticed, they come in clincher only, so few Cat 1-2, Pros will use them (or old guys who like to race on box rims with glued on tires)I'm surprised that you haven't received any negative hate filled comments.....That's not the America that I know.

You should step your game up Snob - while the "I don't know" is a perfectly legitimate answer, it teaches the motorist nothing. Pick out somewhere absurd - and send them there! The Museum of Sex comes to mind...what a great way to tell them to get fucked

Why is that the directionless never seem to pull over, much less into a gas station to buy a FREAKING MAP! Remember those? I have actually told a few to go to the nearest and waddle in to find one. Then blissfully ride away...

The Donald is going to make gas stations great again (including clean rest rooms and attendants who clean your windshield and ask if you need your oil checked - that would be Chris Christie when he's on work release).

If there are any country music fans on here, when asked for directions I say:

"way up yonder past the caution lightThere's a little country store with an old Coke signYou gotta stop in and ask Miss Bell for some of her sweet teaThen a left will take you to the interstateBut a right will bring you right back here to me."

I knew a sailor on a sub, he talked about the skin wrapped in shark like material, someone leaked the navy secret. I'll hold out for shark skin frame wrap, and that's my idea if no one else is thinking about it. And will the dons orange hair go grey as those before him?

Snob, So you won't help motorists with directions anymore... I get that.. But, will you still wave to Freds coming in the opposite direction? oh, wait.. scratch that.

Full Fredly Confession:

Dear Snob, I have and continue to sin. In the past I have bought very expensive crabon wheels.. Tubulars no less. These were fully branded and top shelf stuff but didn't start with a Z or channel animal spirits to gain speed. Recently I bought a pair of $300 dollar 50mm deep crabon clincher wheels from No-Name China ebay site.

I'm not joking when I say best wheels I've ever owned. Roll beautifully, are straight as they were on KM 1 and break very nicely. For 300 I thought why not, they will be good winter training wheels and, well, kinda look sexy.. But, so far I'm very very much impressed.

HTFU, please. Life just handed you an ass whoopin.. You have two choices the way I see's it:

1. Continue to wallow in your self pity and be a bunch of silly ass drama queens...

or...

2. Grasp the outreached hand that all us "deplorable s" are offering you.. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the ring.

We have a great chance now to affect real change in the USA (emphasis on "we"). Trump isn't the antidote, but more like the fingers down the throat to help us purge the stomach..

You wanna continue to be little bitches, go ahead.. But, the majority of people are going to move forward now and build a truly good society where good people will be able to live wonderful lives and bad people will not be welcome. You can be part of it or not.. . But, for your future happiness I very much hope you chose to be a part of it.

Switch off your social media brainwashing devices and go engage with real people.. Maybe venture out beyond your comfort zone and go meet a real live redneck.. Who knows, you may find more common ground with them then you expect.

Well, that's the thing about us that will never quite sit right with you guys.. Our low-brow, monster truck luvin ways... Or at least that's the image you have seared into your collective imaginations of what the modern conservative is.

I say it and I mean it with all the best intentions and motives.. Stop being a bunch of whining pussies and become part of the solution now.. NY'er love to think of themselves as the Avant Guarde of civilized society in a gritty, NYC kind of way.. Well, now's the chance to show it.

I'm completely honest when I say that only "we" (plural) can get this turned in a direction that is beneficial to all. Yes, it sounds corny and, well... very corny.. But, It's America and it's worth fighting for and it's worth trusting the other side, as much as you detest the idea of getting dirty with the great unwashed.

Trust me, I'm not exactly clutching my pearls here, and I know you're being tongue-in-cheek, but it's worth noting that nobody seems hung up on redneck stereotypes but you. You also seem to have a pretty cartoonish picture of NY. I can also assure you that, say, the 88% of the Bronx that voted for Clinton does not walk around believing they are the "Avant Garde of civilized society"--nor would they respond well to being called "whining pussies" and "little bitches." (Does anybody, really?)

As for the post-election protest and anguish, you of anybody should know not to believe the "dishonest media" all the time. Sure, a certain class of people has the time to wave signs in front of Trump Tower, but I can assure you most people are getting on with life and hoping for the best just like you. And maybe some good will come from all this, but make no mistake, you've been duped. New Yorkers don't think they're better than you, they just grew up with this guy and know what he's about.

And yes, even I can see a bright side. For example, this will the the first President I can think of who gives virtually no lip service to make-believe characters like "God" and "Jesus." That's a form of progress.

Kerry - Let me clue you in a bit - starting off by saying "stop by being a bunch of whining pussies" isn't a way to reach across the aisle.

Having the Presidency, House and Senate in one party probably means nothing changing except tax laws for the rich getting better, climate change denial, a likely roll back of civil rights advances, and maybe one of your loved ones will get tossed by their health insurer due to a pre-existing condition. I am not in a hurry to lend an assist.

And there it is, in your very first sentence.. The condescending drone that caused the left to be flushed from office....

Conservatism won... big big big time..... And, if lucky we will appoint 2-3 supreme court seats. Take the offer of being part of the rebuild or leave it.. Your choice. You should feel lucky that the right would be this generous.. It's far far more then what they were offered in the previous 8 years.. (I'm a very solid independent and leaned left for the past 8 years but couldn't stomach any more of the constant victimhood status claimed daily by the hyphenated groups..)

I see a bunch of young, immature and ignorant punks marching in the street.. whining because they think their safe spaces, which the nanny state provided them are all gone.. What they hell are they protesting? Democracy? So yeah, I will start off unapologetically by saying that they, and their "tone" is that of a bunch of whining pussies.

One of the mandates that came from this is a total rejection of the entitlement class.. which you seem to endorse.

I want all people to have an equal voice in this Govt.. Well.. actually, scratch that.. I don't really give a rats ass about the sniveling punks and upset snowflakes.

So, I will say for the last time.. Ya'll need to pick yourselves up, represent your ideas and views in an adult and logical way and you will be part of the solution.. Anything less then this will simply not be listened to anymore and you will find society and the country will have moved on.. way on...

Where do you see these people? On the Internet or real life? You have been had by a NYC "billionaire." (Though I suspect his tax returns would say otherwise.) If I were into stereotyping like you are I'd say the big-city huckster took the small-town rubes, but it's not that simple.

I see my relatives, of which I have plenty living in NY (Brooklyn) all sucked into this vortex of self pity and false fear.. I see protests all across the USA by jilted juveniles that are throwing petulant fits because they didn't get what they thought was pre-ordained for their futures. I see an eliteist media cast shocked and with tears running down their cheeks because they are stunned that Joe pack didn't swallow their bullshit this time.

In closing I'm just so sad that it's actually you and so many that just don't get it.. Hopefully you will when the shock wears off.. It's really you that have been taken in.. Don't believe for a moment that I or many many of "us" like Trump.. Hell no.. He's simply terrible. But, as I typed out above, and thought I was pretty clear about it, Trump is the figurative fingers down the throat of Washington DC which will induce the reflex to clear the poisinous content there. I have no doubt that in 4 years he and his cartoon family will be set to the side of the road with the rest of the trash..

OK, I'll leave Snob, but I will sorely miss your brilliant and witty sarcastic commentary. I say that without sarcasm or irony. You have a great gift.

And in dramatic fashion, as I exit stage right, let me make one last plea.. Let's use this moment now, as Americans to flush the riff raff out of D.C. ( If you haven't noticed, both sides of the aisles have serious rats that are now scurrying for hiding places) I hate to use this phase because it will brand me unfairly once again as something I'm not, but it's true and accurate.. It's time to drain the swamp... (or at least detoxify it) and Trump is the sewer man chosen to do the job.

But, in fairness it was a blog about cycling until Snob started injecting doom and gloom about the election into it.. I think the comment section is fair game for political statements if ones are made in the body of the blog (which they were).

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!