The day before JS came over for dinner night in I asked him why someone that much younger. At first he said he hadn’t thought about it and asked me, “Why does it bother you for some reason?” Umm F*ck yes it does, is what I really wanted to say but instead I told him I was just curious and that I have another guy friend who is dating someone 12 years younger than himself (this is true). JS told me he hadn’t thought about it but he finds that 40-something women don’t want to date. I almost had to laugh when I got that message. What 40-something women is he talking to? Obviously not single ones. So I asked him if he meant more casual dating. Honestly that is what I was thinking he meant but he said, “Not necessarily, just in general”. Then I said I am sure there are some and even older 30-somethings that do but as long as you are happy. After that I switched to talking about what time he was coming over the next day.

That Friday he came over and things were awkward. I didn’t notice it right away but as the night went on I did. It wasn’t anything he said or did, it was the fact he wasn’t saying much of anything. We had dinner, he took the plates into the kitchen and when we were ready for dessert, he plated it up and served it. We watched a movie and then watched one of the TV shows I have on DVD. He asked me about a couple of characters on the show and we even laughed a bit. There was one instance when his phone vibrated but he took it out of his pocket, turned it off and put it back in his pocket. When he went to leave I gave him a hug like I usually do and he was weird about that. He even hesitated a bit before he walked out the door.

I thought about it more after he left and asked him if everything was okay because he was so quiet.An hour and a half later he finally responding he said he was okay but it is frustrating getting a question like that while he was on his way home and wouldn’t it be better to ask him that before he left or the next time I see him. I told him I wasn’t trying to frustrate him and I thought about it after he left. Then no response all weekend.

That Monday I asked him if he ever got a call about the item he lost when we went to the amusement park and also about the midnight showing of an upcoming movie. He told me he is pretty busy these days and if I wanted to make other plans that was okay. So I suggested going sometime over opening weekend and also asked him if actually meant he didn’t have time to go with me at all. He told me he would let me know but pretty sure the midnight showing was a no-go. Okay why didn’t he say that in the first place. Why all of the beating around the bush? Then I told him it was good I asked him that question on Friday because it sounds like I won’t see him for a while. No response. I was able to find someone to go with me for opening weekend of the movie and told JS that the next day. Again no response.

After talking with friends about it I got a few thoughts on what is going on: there is trouble in paradise with the new girl, he wanted to talk to me about something or he wanted to start something with me.

On Saturday JS and I went to a local amusement park. Since it was Spring Break it meant spending a good part of the day standing in line. Since we hadn’t seen each other in a couple of weeks, we talked a lot about writing, family, movies and of course the rides. It was a great day and the longest we have spent together in months. (And yes we are still just friends.)

Since we had so much fun that day, on Monday I asked him if he would like to do dinner in, either order in or I cook, and watch a movie sometime this week. He said sure and suggested Thursday or Friday. I immediately said Friday. He said he would have to check his schedule as he has started seeing someone and his schedule isn’t as open. Now I sort of had a feeling he was seeing someone because on Saturday while we were talking about a movie he said he went to go see it, which I thought was strange because when I had mentioned the movie weeks before it sounded like he had no desire to see it. I had also asked him if he got talked into it and he said yes. Normally when he gets talked into a movie by his friends he will mention their names, this time he did not.

So I told him I had a feeling he was seeing someone but wasn’t sure then asked how long it has been. He told me about a month and taking it as it goes. I then asked how they met. He told me they me met at work which is tricky. Well naturally because dating someone you work with is not always ideal. My next thought was she must be closer to his age, (JS and I are nine years apart.), so I asked him. He said no she is 30. WTF? I honestly felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. It wasn’t because he started seeing someone, though that didn’t help, it was the fact that this girl is 14 years younger than him. I told him I was even more confused because she is even younger than me but quickly apologized for that statement. He seemed to understand. I told him if he doesn’t have time for me, it would suck because I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I would understand. He told me us being friends would never change no matter if he is seeing someone or whom and he would spare me further details. I told him it is fine, I would just need a day to process and figure out why not me. It was a valid point and I asked him if it was something I did or didn’t do or something I said or didn’t say. He said there is no such thing to have or not have it is way more complicated and confusing than that but it can feel that way.

Umm yeah it is way more confusing. What does this 30-year-old have that I don’t? Granted when I was 30 I had been separated from my ex for little over a year, M and I had known each other a year(he is 10 years older than me and we weren’t dating but for a reason other than age), and I had just gotten out of a relationship with someone who was six years older than me. So I had been through quite a bit but I couldn’t imagine dating someone 14 years older than me. In my twenties I dated someone who was 12 years older than me but even that was more of a just a casual thing.

And on his side, what does he have in common with this girl? There are things from his childhood that he talks about that sometimes I don’t even know about or remember. It’s all so weird to me.

The even weirder thing is he said we can do dinner night in on Friday. Shouldn’t he be going out on a date with his new woman on Friday night and not doing dinner night in with a friend? I’m not complaining though.

Last week RC got into an argument or more I got upset with him. I saw that he was going to be performing locally so I asked him if I could get a ride home after. He said sure and might be able to get me into the gig for free and then asked if after we could hook up. We have had the discussion before about why this isn’t a good idea. I have told him before that I don’t want casual sex anymore with anyone. (I of course don’t tell him about M because he doesn’t need to know about that.) I have told him before that I want to find someone to have a relationship with and won’t be able to if I am sleeping around with people. He then tells me that we were so good together and we both have needs.

Well of course we both have needs and it is tough for me too. (And for as little I see M, trust me it is very tough for me.) He keeps trying to push the issue and in his words, “You suck”. I ask him again why he can’t understand where I am coming from and why do we keep having the same discussion. He tries to compliment me by telling me how much he enjoyed sex with me. I told him I enjoyed it too but I just can’t anymore because that is all you want, you don’t want a relationship with me.

He then said he doesn’t know why he keeps asking. My guess is he is hoping my answer will be different.

Then when I asked him if he still wanted to do lunch or something before he leaves again, he said he is trying to save money. I told him I could pay for myself but no response. Now he is gone for seven weeks. I probably won’t ever see him again because it seems every time I suggest we hang out, he wants sex and I tell him no. Then he gets upset and doesn’t want to do anything. I told him to find a girl who wants something casual.

I get that he has needs, I have them to, but don’t judge me because I want something more than ‘just casual’.

I realize that I haven’t posted since my birthday last month and a few things have happened since then.

School has been busy, my screenwriting class is exciting and we had to turn in our short outline/pitch for our screenplay idea. The idea is visually forming in my head which makes it exciting. I also met someone and we had two dates, even though after each one I was wondering if he liked me or not. I could be honest with him and found out he is just very shy.

Then the big scare happened. I was coming back from school and a quick run to Target and my chest started to hurt. I though maybe it was from carrying my backpack and shopping back or even heartburn. I spent the night relaxing and even had a healthy salad for dinner. The pain was not lessening at all and spread into my right armpit and neck. Now I was getting worried. I called the on-call nurse and she recommended I call 911. The paramedics came, ran some tests and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I decided it is better to be safe than sorry. I went in, they did lab work and x-rays but couldn’t find anything. I also went in for the fun treadmill stress test and everything there was good. Doctor has said everything was fine and just might have been stress or exhaustion.

I did get to see M before he possibly leaves for the next nine months. It was good to see him after the big scare because it made me feel even better.

Then that guy I went on two dates with, cancelled on me 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet up for our third date. He told me he just wasn’t feeling it and apologized. I made sure to tell him it was pretty crappy to cancel on me with such short notice and he should have said something sooner. He said he just wanted friendship. But I haven’t talked to him since and have no plans to.

The even bigger news is I will be having a new website coming soon. My graphic designer just finished my logo and it looks great. Let me know what you think!

When I started this blog it was not long after a bad relationship. The person had tore me down lower than I ever thought possible. Since then I have been on good dates and some really bad dates.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad, an interesting and a good date. Two of the dates are guys I started talking to from Plentyoffish.com and the other was JS.

The first date was bad. The guy got to the outdoor mall we were meeting at a few minutes before I got there. When I arrived he hadn’t figured out a restaurant for us to go to. He did bring me purple lilies which was sweet and I told him. We decided on The Cheesecake Factory and the food was good. The conversation was okay. I could tell he was a bit nervous and well I wasn’t really that interested in him. After dinner we walked to our next stop, mini golf. As we were walking there he told me that he has been on the site for six months and I am the first who has agreed to go out with him. I started to feel a little bad for him but he kept saying it over and over and thanking me. I was getting turned off because he didn’t stop talking about it. We played mini golf and arcade games. Then on the way to my bus stop (yes I’m still without a car), he was saying again about how happy he was I agreed to go out with him. When I found out the bus I wanted to take was not leaving for another 15 minutes he said, “Good more precious time to spend with you”. It was a just a little much for me after one date. Days later I sent him a message saying with everything going on with my family I am not up for dating.

The second date of the week was POF guy number two, the interesting date. We met up at a bar/restaurant. We sat at the bar, ordered beer and food and talked. He was a nice guy, good looking and likes sports. Already things were going good until the check came. He told the bartender to run the card he gave her when we sat down. She ran it and then asked him if he had a different card. He was embarrased and started to check his bank balance on his phone. After scrolling through his phone he showed me that he didn’t have enough to pay the bill. REALLY? How do you not know how much money you have in your account? He then said he remembered he bought gas earlier. Again REALLY? So then we had to split the check but he insisted on paying the tip. I was not happy. He kept apologizing and telling me he wants to make it up to me. We walked around a bit and then there was the kiss. It wasn’t one of those where the moment was there and it happened. It was us walking next to each other, we stopped and he pulled me towards him. It was a little awkward. I let him drive me home and we kissed again. Still a little awkward.

The third date was dinner and a movie with JS. So I guess it isn’t really wasn’t a date since JS and I are just friends, but it was the best one of the week. And when he drove me home, he gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. The kiss threw me off because we haven’t even been close to doing that in months.

My start to 2012 was a bit of a roller coaster, which is why I haven’t posted in a while. After midnight on new years eve, I started talking with that guy I met at the bar on Christmas day. He told me about himself and there was lots of flirting. Then at 4am, yes I said 4am, the bar was closing. This guy offered to take me home. I being a bit intoxicated didn’t tell my older brother and sis-in-law that I had a ride home. I thought they were also leaving. The guy drove me home and we sat in my parents’ driveway making out, which is all that happened. We were stopped by my brother knocking on the window. He was worried about me. With that I got out of the car and headed into my parents’ house. My dad was pretty upset that no one can find me. but by morning all was forgiven. I am still in touch with that guy and hopefully will see him when I go back home.

Then a couple of weeks ago, some of my clothes were stolen from the laundry room. I think I know who did it but I can’t prove it. Still upset about it but that is nothing compared to what happened a couple days later, I got a call from my mom saying my uncle passed away suddenly. It was sudden as he was very healthy. I had just chatted with him the week earlier about my upcoming trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. I was going to spend the last day hanging with him and my cousins. We were both very excited about it. I was in shock when my mom told me the news, I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to believe it was true. He was a great man and will be dearly missed. We know though that he is making his way back to my aunt who passed away five years ago.

Last week my mom called me and told me that my oldest brother was taken to the hospital. They thought it was a heart attack but after testing they ruled that out. He does have something in his neck and back that is hereditary and they doctors are trying to talk him into back surgery. My brother is now back home which is great news.

Then my little brother got news that his ex, my nephew’s mother, went crazy at the hospital. It always worries us when this happens but everything is okay and my nephew is safe.

It has been a lot to handle but I am making it through and have some great friends.

The final paper for my class has turned out to be a little tougher than I originally thought it would be. So I took another break last night to check my Plenty of Fish messages. There were a few from a couple of guys I had already been exchanging messages with. Then there was a new one, from a 43-year-old guy with no picture on his profile. I didn’t think this was a red flag, so I read the message from him. He started by giving me a physical description of himself, where he lives, what he does for a living and then says, “Married but no sex life (:”. The rest of the message is telling me he likes curvey (that is how he spelled it) girls and thinks I look hot in one of my pictures.

I then was curious what his profile said. The longest relationship he has been in was over 5 years, well obviously he is married. He lists his marital status as single and he has children. He also says that he wants to make a million dollars a year, loves to spoil people and loves giving massages. His physical description on his profile says he is caucasian but in the email he sent me he said he is mediterranean looking. I am open to dating other races but don’t lie about what you are. Be proud of who you are.

His profile is filled with lies. So I confronted him about it. I sent him a message saying I was confused because in his email he told me he is married but his profile says he is single and looking for a relationship. I also told him it sounds like he is just looking for fling.

His response, “I want to get to know somebody sexy, I am married and looking for somebody exciting”.

I sent him a message saying I think he is on the wrong site if he is looking for someone on the side. I also told him I am not interested in being someone’s mistress. I wished him luck in his search.

This guy really needs to be on Ashley Madison if he is looking for an affair. Doesn’t he realize he probably won’t find what he is looking for on a dating site. Who knows maybe he will find someone on POF that will indulge him. I won’t be that person.

The other OMG moment on POF is when I saw my psycho ex as someone they recommend I chat with. I looked at his profile to see if he was still trying to lure women in by telling them he is a doctor. He doesn’t come right out and say it but as his profession he lists, Business/Medical. Oh I am sure he is still telling girls he was an OB/GYN.

I have been deep into doing my final paper and studying for my final. I decided to take a break and check out my Plenty of Fish action. I emailed a couple of good-looking guys and one of them, a 29-year-old sent me a chat request. Normally I don’t like younger guys but I am being more open to it. Well this guy just turned me off from any younger guy.

After saying hi he asked what I like. When I asked him to clarify he asked if I like to make out. SERIOUSLY?? He didn’t even try to have any small talk with me, it was right away to the make out. I told him it seems like he is looking for just a hookup. He said, “I am looking for a best friend with benefit”. Sorry buddy but yes you are looking for a fuck buddy. Then I told him I am over friends with benefits. Then he said and I quote, “You haven’t had one like me. And I like older friends with benefits”.

Two things wrong with what he said. How does he know I haven’t had one like him? And I do I know he would even be worth my time? I am guessing if he has to tell me that he is really good, he probably isn’t. My psycho ex told me the same thing. And he wasn’t that great. (Why did I stay with him so long?) His next mistake was saying he likes older friends with benefits. Yes he is younger by six years but him saying that just didn’t sit right with me. He didn’t just say it once, he said it three times. I get it you like older women but when I say I am over having just friends with benefits, you aren’t making things better by reminding me that I am older. His attempt to tell me he likes older women didn’t work as he had planned.

Then when I closed the chat window he requested to chat with me again. I denied his request. He obviously didn’t catch on that I wasn’t going to be his ‘best friend with benefits’.

…unless you have a very, very good reason. After JS and I had the talk in March and he told me he thought of us as friends with benefits, he tried to cancel on me twice. One time he told me he got a text about a birthday party he ought to go to and wanted to know if we could go out the day before we had planned. He told me this two days before we were to go out. I told him I had plans, which I did. He ended up keeping the plans with me and not going to the birthday party. The second time, he told me he had been sick all day and was going to go home and rest. He texted me this at the time he was to be leaving work and heading to my place to pick me up. The worst part was we had been texting three hours prior to that and he never said anything about being sick.

Then there is today. We had originally planned to go to an event on Saturday. It was all planned and then Friday afternoon I got an email from the event planners saying they had to postpone the event until sometime next year, due to weather and power outages. There was no getting around it. I let JS know and suggested we do something else during that time. I threw out some suggestions and he said he should go into work but suggested we do one of my suggestions, bowling, on Sunday afternoon. He said he would come pick me up. I was looking forward to Sunday afternoon because not only has it been a while since we have done something on a Sunday but also because we haven’t been bowling since the second week of knowing each other. I got everything I needed to get done and was relaxing while watching football until I had to get ready. Two hours before he was to pick me up he texted me saying he got a text reminding him he had made prior plans to visit friends, apologized for being flaky and suggested going on Wednesday night.

My response, “I don’t know, I was looking forward to today and didn’t make any other plans.” Then I told him I couldn’t go that night because I have a long day the following day. Then he suggested tomorrow night or Tuesday night. I told him I didn’t know and would let him know later. He said, “K”. Still pissed I told him I couldn’t on Monday night and not sure about Tuesday night. (And yes I really do have plans Monday night.) Then I told him, “Just sucks because you suggested Sunday”. No response.

I am not really shocked there is no response from him. He doesn’t like the confrontation or arguing. The major confrontation we had was back in March and that really wasn’t much. It just turned into having the conversation. I never really said anything about the last time he canceled last-minute mostly because he was sick. This time I felt I needed to. I needed to because I wanted him to know it wasn’t cool to cancel last-minute but also because he is the one that suggested the day and now he is telling me he forgot he had other plans. Why didn’t he look at his calendar to make sure before suggesting the day? When our Saturday plans got canceled, I suggested Friday night or Sunday. He is the one that said Sunday and even picked the time. It wasn’t me. And honestly as of right now I don’t even feel like telling him Tuesday will be okay.

I have contemplated writing this post for a couple of months. The main reason for the hesitation is because it might upset some people. If you ask anyone that knows me, I am not a person that likes to upset others. But there is this feeling that hasn’t been going away and I have a feeling there are others who have felt the same way at some point.

It is the invisible feeling. That feeling you get when your friends get either a new job or new love interest. All of a sudden that friend doesn’t have as much time for you as they did before. You don’t say anything to your friend because you are happy for them. But then you start to feel like the friend who is just kept around when there is nothing else to do. I have confronted a friend about this in the past. When I told her she said, “I didn’t realize it and I’m so sorry”, and she was. We did hang out once after that. Since then she has been working full-time, going to school full-time and caring for her mother. We do still talk when we can.

Still there are other friends that might not realize that you feel this way and you don’t say anything because you don’t want to upset them. And you are truly happy for their new situation. When they do talk to you, they do listen and if there is a problem you are having they try to be there for you, but it just upsets you more. Mostly because you think they don’t truly understand what you are going through even though they say they do.

As a plus size girl you have these feelings of invisibility to overcome in friendships, dating and career. At work you feel like odd man out at social company functions. In dating, you feel like you are always overlooked by the decent guys. And in friendships you feel like the wingwoman. As a plus size girl in LA these feelings seem intensified because even non plus size girls feel this way at times too.

This just might be something I am going through but I do know I have good people in my life and good things are happening. And as the saying goes, “This too will pass”.