What's Here?

Thursday, September 27, 2012

I have been writing for the National MS Society Blog and just realized I should cross post here as well, as I have been getting really positive feedback. I am so grateful when I know I have made a connection with those who are reading my posts. May God bless us all. Hang in there!Here is my most recent national post, "Choosing":

This month is the seventh anniversary of finding out I had multiple
sclerosis. I was, still am a little, stunned. With incredible irrationality, I was
certain that I had already been through enough hard stuff, so I shouldn’t have to
deal with any more. I lost an eye in a childhood accident. My husband died
suddenly at 40. We had four children and I hadn’t worked full time in 15 years.
I worked three jobs at first to keep our heads above water. Over the next
decade I worked my way to a successful and lucrative career. This, surely, was
now my time of reward for surviving all those struggles. Right?

Well, as we all know, life doesn’t work that way. There is
no cosmic balance sheet of adversity vs. good fortune. Sometimes a lot of good
things happen, sometimes a lot of bad things happen. I was just facing another
bad thing. But I didn’t want to, darn it.

Initially, I could not even say the words “multiple sclerosis.” I think part of me believed if
I refused to acknowledge it, it would not exist. And I certainly would never be
one of those crippled ones! I
continued to function at top speed. I was a department director at a large
hospital, on call 24/7, working 12-hour days. Taking care of a big house and
two children still at home. One weekend
I cleaned the house from top to bottom, painted all the trim and molding in my
bedroom, regrouted the tile surrounding the tub in my bathroom – and landed in
the hospital with a full-blown relapse.
So much for MS Lite.

It was the beginning of a downward spiral. My high-powered
career began to crumble. My life began to crumble along with it. I was getting
sicker and sicker. Loss mounted upon loss. I became consumed by bitterness and
anger.

My endlessly patient therapist provided support,
encouragement and idea after idea. Mindfulness meditation, plain old
meditation, prayer, literature focusing on acceptance and gratitude, books on
embracing the imperfect self, affirmations and everything else she could find
on coping with MS and depression.

Meanwhile, the MS was progressing and
emotionally I was a furious mess. This
past December I was physically unable to even get myself to her office anymore.
Refusing to give up, she offered to call me once a week and even come to me occasionally. I was devastated by my
deterioration, being homebound and developing lymphedema,
which has grotesquely distorted my legs and feet. Not to mention dealing with relentless, crippling
pain, weight gain, immobility, skin breakdown. In the meantime, I wasn’t going
to church, either. The effort it took was too monumental. My spiritual life fizzled
out to almost nothing. Everything I had loved and enjoyed was slipping away. I
had had it. Enough, I kept thinking, enough. ENOUGH!!

Slight glimmers of my old, fighting self occasionally
bubbled up through the fog of misery I had wrapped myself in. The person who
always got back up when knocked down, the person who seemed to be only a faint
memory, was refusing to go away. But I didn’t want to fight any more. Full of resentment, I was tired of picking
myself up.

But that spark just wouldn’t die. An old friend from high
school unexpectedly stopped by one day. When I tell you I looked like the wrath
of God, I am not exaggerating. I had zero standards left. Uncombed hair, shabby,
stained clothes, no makeup—it was as bad as it gets. I think I might not have
smelled too good either. I was so mortified, I wanted to disappear. But he pretended
not to notice. He sat with me, talking a blue streak, making me laugh and then
making me cry. Pray, he said, just pray and when you can’t pray, just say “Give
me strength” over and over. I had been getting this message all along in so
many ways, from old friends, from virtual friends online, from my wonderful
therapist, but sitting there with Albert, my kind, accepting, compassionate
friend, I grudgingly conceded. I knew then I was going to choose to pick myself
up once again.

I still HATE this disease. Always will. I will always miss
the things it has stolen from me. And I will always be angry about the losses. But,
for my own serenity, I am making more of an effort to choose to modify the
anger with some degree of resignation. I will never accept having MS—it is unfair and horrible and it just stinks. But
I have to live with it and my choice is to live as well as I can. To not make the effort feels like a slap in
the face to all the people who love me and give me credit for being braver than
I really am. The Black Moments still come. But, with a lot of help and a lot of
effort, sometimes in increments as small as one minute at a time, I am trying
to choose light over darkness.

Your article is very inspiring,each and every person passes with this troma and they handle with strength. Even i had seen such stage of life where i fully need God's help....no hope for living life but thanks to my inner strength which make me stand again.

Happy happy hoppy hoo hoo hee hee ha ha New Nuevo Year Ano to you too! Get ready for the best year ever-I suspect there is going to be fun and adventure laid out for you and the business is going to blossom along the way! Cheers to you and your success!Make 2013 the best year ever!Sincerely The Helphttp://Kliklaklay.blogspot.com

Oh happy day! Hang tough honey!It’s rainy here, the family is watching a Fringe dvd marathon and the crockpot is bubbling!Hope this finds you having an awesome day too! Remember Monday January 28th is the final day of the Valentine’s Day Beauty Bonanza ! Enter now! http://makeupuniversity.blogspot.com/2013/01/valentines-day-beauty-bonanaza-giveaway.htmlCiao ciao!Sincerely,Cherelynnhttp://makeupuniversity.blogspot.com

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The Renegade

I have been diagnosed with MS since 2005. MS does not make me a better person, or stronger, or braver, or cause me to stop and smell the roses. It mostly makes me miserable, cranky and very, very sick. MS is a relentless thief that has stolen my life and my future. I am not a happy camper.

I will never say “I have MS but MS doesn’t have me”. If you say things like that, you probably won’t like my blog very much. I have a Bad Attitude about MS. It is a Bad Disease. I have to live with it, but I will never, ever accept it.

In this blog I will talk about the impact MS (or chronic illness) has on all of us who are afflicted and what might be on the horizon to help us. Hopefully you will find some value here, or at least some commiseration and empathy.

Regarding Paypal

This post, A Humbling Decision, describes the pain I went through in deciding to place a Paypal button on the blog.

If you would like to help financially, your contribution would be used with care and thanks.