Laughless comedies. Teen comedies. Gross-out comedies. The bulk of which can be a Torquemada-like experience, especially when sitting in a movie theater without Charles Bronson digging escape tunnels for you. In most cases, you can usually expect more when some actual talent is involved. The cast of TV’s Friends has had a spotty track record past the small tube, with Chandler Bing (aka Matthew Perry) scoring the best on-base percentage with enjoyable hits like Fools Rush In and The Whole Nine Yards. Filming wrapped over a year ago on this, his latest, and its been sitting on a shelf since, waiting to be released and drop Perry's batting average considerably.

Someone obviously was on a high after watching Midnight Run when pitching this project, because it reeks of the effort of a high school writer scribing his term paper the night before its due and changing key words from the encyclopedia so it can’t technically be called plagiarism. Remember Midnight Run? It starred Robert DeNiro as a bounty hunter chasing down a mob accountant played by Charles Grodin who skipped bail. Serving Sara has Perry as a process server chasing down a “trophy wife” (Elizabeth Hurley) whose philandering husband (Bruce Campbell) is about to surprise her with divorce papers.

DeNiro had a rival bounty hunter (John Ashton) after the same mark and sabotaging his every move. Perry has a rival process server (Vincent Pastore) after the same mark and sabotaging his every move. DeNiro had a mistrustful boss (Joe Pantoliano) constantly worried about where he is and only concerned about the completion of the job. Perry has a mistrustful boss (Cedric the Entertainer, whose office full of stress relievers relieves no such stress on the audience) constantly worried about where he is and only concerned about the completion of the job. DeNiro used to be a cop, but was chased out of town after a run-in with a local mob boss, losing his wife along the way. Perry used to be a lawyer, but decided to quit after defending some mob enforcers, losing his wife in the process. See how aggravating it is to read, see and hear the same thing over and over again?

That’s what Serving Sara is like. It’s an overly long madcap relationship road comedy that failed to get more than maybe a smile or two out of me. The problems begin with Perry, who is woefully miscast as the cynical and mean tracker. Perry is a charming enough actor who can wisecrack with the best of ‘em, usually because he plays a guy with way too much common sense for the room. Here, he’s unshaven, smokes a lot and trades insults that must have sounded great reading them rat-a-tat on paper, but here feel stale and childish. We don’t buy Perry as a jerk and in a comedy, its oft-putting not to like him or to not find him funny. If he wanted to stretch his acting chops, he should try a drama next time like Friends co-star, Jennifer Aniston.

The one twist that Serving Sara offers is having Hurley turn the tables on her husband by hiring Perry to disregard her and serve him instead, thus giving her the upper hand in the divorce settlement and a potential one million in Perry’s pockets. This takes a half hour to setup and the film would have only lasted another half hour at best if the laws of the running time stretch weren’t at work.

Once Perry accepts the proposal, all he has to do is serve the husband papers, except he doesn’t know what he looks like forcing him to bring Hurley along who is told to stay out of sight once she points him out. Fair enough, but what about that picture she had in her purse? Yes, she tore it in half and put gum over the husband’s face, but surely this is something they could have used considering she still had it after the mission was launched. But NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! With the time stretch laws colliding with the laws of moronic movie characters, Hurley then yells at her husband before Perry gets to him, giving him time to escape with the hapless server forced to do battle with a Price Is Right model (Nicki Ziering) posing as a fitness instructor.

If this is what poses as comedy to you, then come on down because you’re in for more of the same, like the inexplicable scene where Perry is forced to act as a veteranerian to stimulate a bull’s innards so it can make a donation to the First National Bank of Bull Sperm. This scene should be studied in comedy classes around the world in how to not make a scene funny. Tom Green just looking at a horse’s shlong was funnier in Freddy Got Fingered. In fact, the word “shlong” is funnier.

Comedy writers of the world unite and say it with me – Goo on someone’s ear is just gross until you attach the context of what’s funny about the situation in relation to the characters. Same goes with sticking your arm up a bull’s ass. In and of itself – just gross. Here’s a tip for the screenwriters of Serving Sara for your next script. Write a scene with characters named after yourselves, displaying their paychecks proud for writing a bargain basement script and then having them insert their own heads up a bull’s ass. For me, at least, instant comedy.

Writing comedy is such a delicate affair. Some are naturals. Others try too hard. Then there are those who wouldn’t know funny if their head was up a bull’s ass. You want to talk about strained? I wonder how George W. “Don’t Mess With Texas” Bush will feel about this portrayal of his home state? An airport sign advertises the state as the home of “old sparky” (the electric chair) complete with a McDonalds-like tally of how many proudly served. Poor Bruce Campbell gets to do very little as the rich good ol’ boy husband, in love with his cowboy hat, and forced during the film’s finale to wade through a collection of longhorn statues and a monster truck rally where every spectator carries a gun. Wasting a talent like Campbell may be this film’s biggest sin even if it is just a warmup for a wider audience to see his virtuoso star turn in the upcoming Bubba Ho-Tep.

If this film truly wanted to be madcap, it should have taken a cue from its third act which forces Perry into a beat-the-clock mode when a loophole gives him 49 minutes to serve Campbell. The whole movie could have been like that and spared us the forced comic contrivances and intimate character moments that feel even more labored. It must be nice to have a single heartfelt conversation with someone as stunningly beautiful as Hurley (especially someone who can say “hot bath” like she does) and have them instantly fall for you, but in reality it takes a little longer.

There is one genuinely funny moment in the film, although one that obviously escaped the attention of everyone involved with it. During the obligatory delayed romance where two budding mates must temporarily break apart, Perry’s character drops his guard and just about blows their whole plan. Hurley’s response to him – “One look at a girl in tight pants and big tits and you turn stupid?” Um…..isn’t that the basis for the entire plot?