Discover what happens after the break-up

The Missing Things

I’m lonely. That is the feeling of the day. I’m having a tough time at work today. It’s aggravating, and I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about it. That of course is not exactly true. I could talk to my friends, or the girl that I have hung out with over the last few months. But I don’t really feel it. I want to talk too well you know who. That’s who I’m used to talk too, and of course now I can’t. I wonder if this is how Tina felt. Down some days and felt like she did not want to talk to me about stuff. I know the speculation will drive me nuts. So much that I don’t and won’t know. I keep running the refrain in my head, “She feels her life is better without you, than with you. She doesn’t think there is anything missing in her life, now that I’m not there.” It hurts to think about it, but I force myself to do so, so that I know the reality of how she feels, and how the depth of her feelings were never what I thought they were or what she claimed that they were.

This is why I have always hated that line about its better to have loved than not to at all. I used to think it was stupid because the pain of love lost is not worth it. But now I see it’s deeper than that. It’s all the little things you get used to that as a single person, you no longer have. The comfort of rolling over in the middle of the night, and snuggling next to that person. The way you can call them the moment something at work happens that bothers you. The small gestures unique to them that show their affection toward you. Tina used to just pluck me on the hand every so often. Or the inside jokes that only each other knows, or the pet peeves that they have and the memory of how they would react if they were witnessing it. All these things and dozens more. Those are the things that make losing love so hard. The absence of these things is what make you feel alone, and isolated. Friends cannot help with these things, nor can new dates. This type of intimacy is divine when you have it, and poison when it’s gone. To think that these small gestures are now directed toward others is gut-wrenching.

As has been told to me by so many people, I try not to focus on what she is doing. But it is hard when you feel the need to connect, and the person you feel connected to is beyond your reach. It’s at times like this; I do thank God that I was not married for 15 yrs or more. I don’t think I could survive that. I’m barely surviving now.

I’m attached more than I should be I’m told, considering we were not in fact married. But we were in my mind. I always assumed we would be, and I believed her when she told me the same thing. I never imagined she would change her mind. Or maybe, it was just a fun thing to say and imagine, but the reality of doing it was just too much for her. At least until she decides to commit to somebody else, that I doubt will be as good. I always wondered why people give something’s to one person and not to others. Especially when they used to be so into their ex. Aaah, maybe my ego is to big to deal with the total rejection. Few things are more cutting, than yeah, there’s something wrong with you, and I know what it is and nobody else does, and so every body else is wrong.

Whatever the case, I’m lonely. I desperately wish for connection. And do not have it.

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how much I agree to this:
I’m lonely. That is the feeling of the day. I’m having a tough time at work today(but not as part of the work). It’s aggravating, and I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about it. That of course is not exactly true. I could talk to my friend, or my brother. But I don’t really feel like doing it but instead resolve to talk to cyber world.. to the strangers… who relate more and who don’t “judge” you per se.

Pretty heartfelt entry. I have mentioned that I come from a different place, so the lonliness that I have dealt with over my adult life doesn’t fade me as much.

It has always been better for me when I am alone.

I don’t worry about whether or not someone is just putting up with me and my ways. I don’t have to worry about other people f*cked up family or friends. AKA who lied about so much, that I didn’t want to even sleep with her. And it was in the midst of a TERRIBLE drought, if you get what I am cookin’.

As to Mookie, or even Tee Jay, there are stuff I don’t have to deal with. The former, I don’t have to put up with the ignorance of her provincial ways or small minded family. Tee Jay, she did me a favour by not letting me back into her life. If I had to go to another crap ‘juke joint’ with her ghetto ‘Legion of the Stupid’, I think my head would explode. WE’RE FORTY!! Getting drunk for fun is NOT fun!!

Maybe you enjoyed everything you had with Tina. I don’t know. Being a loner cat, whenever I feel the need to make a connection, I do. Whether it is with a prospect or talking to some lady in the same aisle as me in the grocery store, I will talk.

Don’t undersestimate making small connections to life. Talk to people. Eventually you will ‘see’ someone.