Does it Matter Who Makes More Money In A Relationship?

Advice Seeker :

Dear April Masini,"

I think I've found the woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am in love with her for her kindness and her motivation. She has an extremely high-powered job and works really hard at what she does. The problem is, she makes a lot more money than I do. While this doesn't necessarily matter to me, it really bothers me that my friends are constantly joking about it, and calling me a gold-digger. Is it such a problem that my future wife will probably always bring home more money than I will?

Sincerely,
She Brings Home the Bacon

"

April Masini's Advice :

Dear She Brings Home the Bacon,

There are a few basics in relationships that steady any problems that couples encounter along the way. If the basics aren't in place then everything else will wobble and the relationship may falter as a result.

The Basics that Underlie Who Brings Home The Bacon:

Self-knowledge.

All men and women need to feel secure themselves before they can be in a secure relationship. This is not the kind of security that one person gives another person. This is the kind of security that amounts to "knowing who you are" and being responsible for putting yourself in healthy situations that meet your needs given your self-knowledge. If you don't know who you are, and most of us continue to find out who we are as we grow, you may put yourself in a relationship with someone who isn't right for you. For instance, if you think you're okay with a wife who makes a lot more money than you do, and it turns out that you didn't really know yourself, and you need to be the master of the house when it comes to making money, then marrying a career woman, may not be the best thing for you. Or her. If you know you don't want to work and are lazy, or you want to dedicate your career hours to being a student or an artist, not someone who makes money, then you'd be doing yourself a disservice by representing yourself to your wife as someone with a job who wants to keep a job.

Health.

Health is an important factor in relationships. Health can hamper earning capability and keeping your health up is important to other aspects of your relationship. In addition, stress can affect your health as can addictive behavior. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of other people. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your expectations for health and earning capacity.

Children and family expectations.

Your expectations of being a father or just being a husband; being a mother or just being a wife are not to be judged, but they are to be laid out on the table before marriage. So are the possibilities of infertility and back-up plans -- like expensive and health-affecting fertility treatments, adoption, being great aunts and uncles, but not parents, etc. If you are going to have children, there is a strong chance that a woman may change her mind about her involvement in parenting -- whether she decides after she has her children that she does not want childcare and wants to be a full time, hands-on mother, or whether she wants to employ child-care, or if the husband wants to become Mr. Mom, or if he will have no choice if there is not enough money for childcare. NONE of these are deal breakers -- unless they are not discussed ahead of time.