Jeremy Jacobs Remakes the Bruins Part I

Jacobs: Hello?Mr. Henry? By Jove it’s nice to talk to you!Oh yes, I see your dazzling Red Sox are putting up the good fight with Tampa Bay!My good man, I don’t know how those plucky upstarts are competing with your group of old hands!I’m sure you can find another well-furrowed chap to compete with those whippersnappers!

What are we doing, sir?Well, we’ve signed Michael Ryder to a multi-year deal.He lit the red lamp 30 times 2 years ago!And, um, you remember the great prospect Blake Wheeler?He’ll provide that offense for which we’ve desperately searched for years to come!And … and … I … er, well my famous client the Earl of Rochester has just entered to discuss biscuits and tea!Good day, chap!

Slams phone

Quincy, where is my thinking juice?

Quincy: Coming, sir.

Jacobs: Mr. Henry was boasting about his beloved Red Sox again, Quincy.How will we ever compete with that juggernaut?

Quincy: I’m not sure, sir.I’m just an intern.Making money is your deal.

Jacobs: We must appeal to the younger crowd.The cool kids, the hipsters!Quincy, you’re a cool, hip kid!Name something you do!

Quincy: Get stoned.

Jacobs: Stoned?Like St. Stephen?I will not play Saul in the stoning of Bruins fans.I don’t want to change my name to Paul!It’s Jeremy, consarnit!

Quincy: Well, I listen to music …

Jacobs: Of course!That’s it, Quincy!I’ll create a new Bruins team song!Catchy and edgy, valorous and accessible, and cheaper than a day at Woolworth’s!We’ll need a Boston band, though.Any suggestions?