As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going mad.”“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the man….“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”“How much do you charge?”“One hundred fifty pounds per visit,” replied the doctor.“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.“Well, £150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is £23,400.00. A bartender cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car.”“Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”It’s always better to get a second opinion.

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you wouldhave produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it)

2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enoughgas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it)

3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.(In my next life I want to be a pig)(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Still can't get over that pig thing)(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people do.(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times itsown weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of...?)(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

9. Polar bears are left handed.(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.(Creepy)

13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.(Honey, I'm home. What the....)(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

15. Butterflies taste with their feet.(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

I don't look at this thread a lot but have just laughed at the last few entries.

Someone sent me this last night, it's probably an oldie but I hadn't seen it before and it made me smile:

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.Tearfully she said, "The chemist insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer it.."Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm didn't go off, so I was late getting up.I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my keys.""Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three streets from the shop, I had a flat tyre.""When I finally got to the shop a crowd of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing.""Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke.""Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"... The Environmental Secretary said he had "taken action in a wide variety of areas", pointing out that the Government has already banned microbeards and is consulting on introducing a deposit return scheme for plastic bottles as ministers attempt to cut down the amount of waste the UK produces..."

Surely it would have been better to ban full blown beards. Think of all the food waste that can get trapped in one of those! Mind you, maybe their way of thinking was better it be hanging off someone's face than in a landfill...

“A chap having quarrelled with his wife sees in a second hand bookshop the volume 'How to Hug'. He impulsively buys it and takes it home saying "Let's read this and make up". She says: "What? Vol. 13 of Encyclopaedia Brittanica?"”

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

A man drives down to his local for a drink and ends up having a few more drinks than he'd planned so he decided to leave the car behind and take the train home. He was surprised he made it there in one piece. He'd never driven a train before...

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I'm feeling at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, golfing and taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them, "I like them."

And, it works! Just like Facebook!

I already have four people following me...

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist...

Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.