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Something I've been noticing recently: bad chemistry between partners is most often the source of unresolved conflict in relationships! What I mean by bad chemistry is that one can be seriously attracted to a person that is least able to fill your emotional needs. Needless to say; it makes for some serious unhealthy dynamics.

What do I mean?

Say I'm someone whose parents were able to fill all my physical needs like food, a roof over my head and education. But my parents were not able to fulfil my emotional needs. We never spoke about emotions and nobody ever asked me how I'm feeling or how something affected me emotionally. I then probably have a lifetrap of Emotional Deprivation. I will constantly feel a sense of emptiness inside can only be filled by someone else. Sometimes I'll comfort eat to try and fill that trench. Or I can become clingy and over-demanding for attention.

My chemistry

Being loved to me thus involves being in an emotionally depriving environment. It isn't pleasant, but it is familiar. It is a common thing about us humans; we're more often revert back to the familiar instead of the healthy.

So, I meet a boy. Due to his background, he is not able to fill emotional needs. He can't provide emotional comfort or emotional nurturance in a healthy manner. Logic will tell me to avoid! But my lifetrap chemistry recognises the familiarity in this relationship. So, I'll be attracted to a person who can't fill my emotional needs. I will be attracted to someone who is emotionally depriving.

Can it be true?

Yup, unfortunately. There is obviously something in me that could trigger my boy's own lifetraps. More bad chemistry. Maybe I am emotionally very giving with the hope that it will show him how to give emotionally. But, sadly, this hardly ever works this way. Maybe he has a lifetrap that says he and other people are not supposed to show strong emotion. I interpret that as strength and like it. But, of course, it isn't strength. It is resistance against giving emotional support and nurturance. More a weakness than a strength.

And then?

In the relationship, I will demand emotional support. He will resist giving emotional support, interpreting emotions as "bad". My inner trench gets deeper. I get very emotional. He tells me to "not feel that way" or "get yourself together". Or simply stares at me with disapproving surprise the more I cry or rave or throw a fuzzy. You get the point. It is a self-defeating vortex.

Why do I do this to myself?

Of course, nobody chooses to enter relationships based on bad chemistry. These bad chemistry attractions happen outside of conscious awareness. Remember that we are more attracted to what is familiar than what is healthy. And that euphoric in lurve feeling is so addictive! Hard to resist.

Dysfunction is the gift...

...that keeps on giving. Yup, look back at your life. Is there a pattern in your relationships? Are you attracted to people with similar characteristics? Maybe like I described above? The thing you loved the most about the person you fell in love with, are usually the thing you end up hating the most about them.

What to do?

I can't say anything else here except SELF-AWARENESS. Know yourself. Know your weaknesses. Look at negative patterns in your relationships. These probably point to some of your lifetraps and your potential for bad chemistryrelationships. Depending on how destructive these patterns are, I would suggest either honest conversations with your partner or professional counselling. You want to work towards a healthy way of avoiding these bad chemistry vortexes. Not impossible, but will take some honest commitment from both of you to recognise the vortexes in your relationships. Then, to be committed to stop the vortex as soon as it gets triggered.

Read a bit about the I Choose Us program that I run. It is built around choosing awareness and recognising your relationship vortexes.

I've described on type of bad chemistry interaction. What type of interactions have you found in your relationships that could point to bad chemistry?

Louisa, I think the 1st step is really to be aware of what you're specific lifetrap chemistry is. You could do that by having a look at what your past potholes had in common. What attracted you to them for example. It can be quite a journey to get there. The issue is more to make an informed choice than to NOT get involved - and to make decisions about sacrificial love.

This post is so true & the timing couldn't be better. I grew up in a loving home where most of my needs were met but my parents aren't affectionate or expressive about feelings & emotions. Now at 29 I find myself wanting loads of affection & verbal affirmations but unfortunately am in a relationship where I don't feel those needs are being met. Am I too needy trying to make up for my childhood?

Hi Emily. Welcome to my blog and glad that you found something that resonated with you. You're asking a deep question that is "normal" for someone whose core needs for affection and nurturance weren't met. I sense that your question about "being too needy" carries some pain. My response would be yes and no. "Yes" because that trench inside of you that can only be filled by affirmation and affection is probably very deep and hard to keep filled. I say "no" because in my view relationships should be based on sacrificial love. If that is what you need, your other half should at least make an effort. But of course, relationships are never this easy. ;-)