Nothing But Net: For the Week of Oct. 22 – Oct. 28

Pop culture drama has been so uninspired lately. Jon and Kate Gosselin are still getting divorced? You don’t say! Lindsay Lohan is fighting with Samantha Ronson again? Get out! Something something something Michael Jackson? (*Sticks hand out, bends wrist*) Girl, he ain’t never goin’ away. Heck, some idiot flew a giant balloon made of tin foil and even he got on the news. Well push the imposters aside and bury Michael Jackson ladies and gentlemen (he smells like a rusted amusement park covered in eggs), because Mel Gibson is back. Homophobe, anti-Semite and alcoholic? FINALLY we can have some real headlines: “Drunk Gibson hijacks bus of gays, crashes into synagogue.” Who cares if the trailer for his first movie in seven years, Edge of Darkness, looks like a rip off of Taken? I’ve got nothing against Liam Neeson (except for the havoc he wreaks on my spellchecker), but come on. IT’S MEL GIBSON. If he wants to copy your movie, you let him (especially if you’re gay, Jewish or a supporter of prohibition). Hail to the king, baby! (*Takes a swig of whiskey, pumps shotgun*)

I don’t think I’m being racist here when I say Kenan Thompson was hired on SNL because…he’s fat black. Finesse Mitchell disappeared from the show in 2006, right around when Kenan seemed to get prominent. It’s not a bad thing by any means, I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if Lorne Michaels had something in his contract that required a black cast member (jury’s still out on that “95 percent of skits have to suck” clause). Anyway, Kenan has had some solid recurring roles (Jean K. Jean, Lorenzo McIntosh) and last weekend’s SNL should add DeAndre Cole to the list. Cole is a 3-piece-suit-wearing talk show host with hair covered in Soul Glo and a penchant for singing spontaneously. Add to that three talk show guests, two backup singers, an announcer, saxophone player, Jason Sudeikis in a red jumpsuit and gold chain dancing his face off, host Gerard Butler and Kristen Wiig dressed as Picabo Street (?). It’s like SNL’s writers took a piñata and stuffed it with the entire food pyramid. And then Kenan ate it.

Fact: A fat person doing something is funnier than a normal-weight person doing the same thing. Anything—you name it. Watch a fat person push a shopping cart. Watch a fat person try to fish their wallet out of their back pocket. Watch a fat person order at a restaurant. Watch a fat person paint a mailbox. Watch a fat person pick up their luggage at the airport. Watch a fat person answer a call on their cell phone. Watch a fat person change a tire. Watch a fat person walk in one direction, realize they’re going the wrong way and turn around. Watch a fat person call customer support for their malfunctioning alarm clock. Watch a fat person try to re-cork a bottle of red wine. At Fat Kids Falling, you can watch fat people fall down. Fall down stairs, off a bike, on a stage, off a diving board, etc. (The only thing fat people do that’s not funny is try to get out of a chair. That’s sad. And hilarious.)

Children’s books have the potential to mold kids when they’re at their most moldable (like fresh Play Doh—I used to sniff that stuff for hours). They’re starting to discover things, expand their horizons and spread their interests wider than Paris Hilton’s legs. I don’t have any kids, but I do have a nephew and two nieces, so I feel qualified to offer one piece of advice to parents: If the writer of one of your kids’ favorite books is doing an in-store appearance or reading—stay the hell away. Because children’s authors are some of the scariest-looking people on the planet. Remember The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein? He looks like the Bearded Man from the circus. Ever wonder where the story to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory came from? Probably Roald Dahl’s dreams and middle school students’ nightmares—I wouldn’t be shocked if he appeared on To Catch A Predator. Even Maurice Sendak, of Where the Wild Things Are fame (awesome movie, BTW) looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings with glasses. Play it safe and let your kids skip straight to Playboy (for the articles!).

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The Sound Smart at a Party section of this issue says Twitter is making a wine. Awesome. But even better? They’re going to have wine tasting tours and encourage you to Tweet about it. Basically a reason to Tweet drunk. It’s gonna be fun at twitter.com/BradPareso.