Stopping Lashon Hara

A primer on how to raise our children to look at the positive and speak well about others.

Speech -- the ability to convey ideas and feelings through words -- is unique to human beings. It can be a tremendous blessing, but it's also ripe for abuse.

The words our children choose to use in expressing themselves help create their personal window on the world.

Positive forms of expression can help our children grow into positive, optimistic people who view the world around them with generous and hopeful eyes. Negative forms of expression, such as defamatory, mean-spirited speech, will cultivate in them a negative, cynical view of the world.

Speech That Is Evil

It's easy to fall prey to a destructive pattern of speaking badly about others and gossiping -- to the point where it becomes a recreational activity! In order to enjoy the many people in our lives, we have to stop verbalizing the negativity and focus on their positive virtues. This takes a lot of effort but is essential in raising happy children.

If we're always finding fault, we will naturally be dissatisfied, disappointed and displeased, and so will be our children.

Raising happy children requires us to impart to our offspring the ability to look at everything positively --situations, places and material objects. Most important of all is how they view people.

Torah calls "evil language" anything negative, even if it's true.

The Hebrew term for speaking badly of others is called lashon hara, literally "evil language." Interestingly, the Torah calls "evil language" anything negative, even if it's true. (Slander -- malicious, false information is called motzi shem ra, literally "giving another a bad name.")

In sharp contrast to the Western adage about sticks and stones not hurting, Judaism looks very gravely upon misuse of speech. Our tradition teaches that lashon hara can destroy many lives, even unintentionally, in one fell swoop:

the person speaking,

the person spoken about,

and the person spoken to.

Let's look at why.

The person speaking: Although you briefly become the center of attention when you dish out a juicy piece of gossip, in the long run people start mistrusting you. "Gee, I wonder what she says about me when I'm not around." People don't trust gossips and will avoid confiding in you. In the end, you're killing your own reputation. Furthermore, because you are misusing the gift of speech that God gave you, you are also lessened in His eyes.

The person spoken about: The person under discussion is, of course, being killed in everyone's eyes. Whether the information is true or false, it is hard to take back defamatory words already spoken and undo the character assassination already committed. That person's reputation is forever blemished.

The person spoken to: Interestingly enough, this is the person who is the most culpable, even though s/he is seemingly the innocent one. All s/he did was listen! But the Talmud says that listening to lashon hara is even worse than speaking it; the person had the power to stop it and didn't. Now the transgression is complete.

Exceptions to the Rule

Of course, there are times we are all owed to speak share negative information about others; in fact, there are times it is an obligation to do so. For example - when a friend is about to be become financially involved with a person we know to be unethical, or seriously dating a person we know to be abusive or otherwise unsuitable. Or when a child has information that will prevent harm from occurring.

Common Fallacies

Beware of the excuses children and adults often use for speaking lashon hara:

"If she were here I would say it to her face." Maybe you would, and maybe you wouldn't. In any case, it is still forbidden.

"Everyone knows about it." Does this justify you adding fuel to the fire? Even if it is on the front page of the newspaper, you are still forbidden to speak about it.

Parenting Tools

Teaching our children to avoid speaking lashon hara takes a concerted effort. Experiment with the following tools:

Teach by example. Showing children that it's a priority for you is perhaps the most important lesson. Don't let them hear your gossiping with your friends or relatives. Don't let them hear you laughing at other people's expense. Even better than "don't let them hear you" is not doing it -- whether they're in earshot or not.

Discuss the importance of avoiding lashon hara. Help your children identify what is and isn't proper speech. Talk about how improper speech can hurt others and how it hurts the person speaking lashon hara. There are a number of excellent Jewish books that can help you.

Discourage "tattling." When your kids come to "tell on" someone, tell them you aren't interested in reports of someone else's bad behavior, but that you're available if they need help or advice.

Get in the habit of not using names. There's no need for you to know the names of problem students at school unless you'll have a direct role in addressing the issue. Focus the discussion on your child's feelings, worries and concerns. If he or she needs protection that requires your intervention, tell him or her that it is proper to tell you the name of the offending child.

Don't fall into the trap of casual lashon hara. At dinner and at other family times, bring books to the table to discuss or talk about current events. When you discuss what happened in each person's day, focus on what they learned that day and how they felt. Show your children that there are more interesting things to talk about than other people's poor behavior.

Give positive reinforcement. Be sure to commend your kids when they manage to tell you about school or neighborhood problems without mentioning who was involved. Let them know that you're proud of them - and that God is too.

Reminders! Tape a reminder to the telephone: "No Lashon Hara!" Put up signs on the fridge and in other prominent locations around the house.

Study it. Read a small section of the laws of lashon hara each day during dinner or at your Shabbat table. Encourage discussion and examples.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 19

(18)
Renaye,
May 18, 2015 2:26 AM

Nuanced Concept

Essentially, we may be looking at the difference between salacious defamation and necessary information. I don't find the boundary easy to negotiate, but important to explore in order to refine my behavior. I don't maliciously gossip, but I do "analyze" others behaviors and make the occasional disparaging remark. Sometimes I talk about how wonderful somebody is but have come to understand that this is problematic too.

(17)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2013 4:08 PM

being careful with even positive words

Really appreciate this article - thank you - a blessing! Just one thing I would like to add is that there are times when even positive words can cause problems. Not just bragging, but for example, when a boss praises an employee in front of the other employees, this can cause problems for the one praised. Witnessed this more than once in workplaces where office politics and, of course, gossip were big factors.

(16)
lk,
February 3, 2012 5:31 PM

dont agree

it says not to discuss things even if its on the front page and then suggests to do so. Humor is always at someones expiense- no matter what-- examine that closely. children who are taught not to speak ill of others especially by tattling could be being abused.. but they cant say so even though its true.

(15)
TMay,
August 13, 2011 8:52 PM

disagree with some

I disagree with #3 and with #4.Children grow up very quickly and people change and children who looked fresh faced and wonderful can develop habits that make them a bad influence on children, like drinking alcohol, as an example, and if the parent does not know, they can be happily go about their life without realizing that their child is being influenced with behavior that can be life threatening and threatening the lives of other people, and then instead of a problem being dealt with while it is small, one is dealing with a problem that is huge and which impacts the child, his family and others. There is an old adage, that it is better to deal with an acorn than with a mighty oak.
Once someone said to me, when you look at a tragedy, ask how many steps backward would you have to go so that the tragedy did not occur because that is where the decision in the instant has to be changed. That was in the context of a scuba diving lesson talking about scuba deaths and he was giving examples of going for another dive, when tired, when oxygen is low, when equipment is faulty, when weather is bad, when companions are not available for a buddy system, when companions are not trained nor wise, etc. However it applies to so many situations. We have cliffs over the ocean with fences and with signs saying not to cross the fence because of danger and yet every year we have deaths caused by people who choose to cross the fence.
And I have talked to teenagers as the decision is being made on more than one occasion and told them about the dangers and some of the group spoke up and said they had had reservations but hadn't spoken up. They were not listening to their little voice but going with the group. In contrast, a warning to a father about choosing to have his young children play on wet rocks in the waves resulted in no change to the behavior and it only takes one wave to knock a child's head against the rocks while there are miles of harmless sand that can be played with.

(14)
Anonymous,
August 3, 2011 9:44 PM

Another view of "tattling"

The negative side of discouraging "tattling" is that children do not report destructive abuses, thinking they will be criticized for "tattling"! I think it is more safe for the adult to listen to the complaint and use mature judgement in handling it. (When my neighbor's daughter tried to "choke" my daughter, the mother told my daughter she was "tattling" and would not listen! So my daughter was afraid to tell me, but her brother did! The mother insisted it was my daughter's problem, so I just marked her off the "friend list"!)

(13)
susan,
August 2, 2011 1:34 PM

tattling vs. telling

About #6 above--sometimes children need to tell, to get an adult's help. To avoid "tattling", we ask our kindergartners this question, "Are you telling us to get someone out of trouble, or into trouble?" (Sometimes a child needs to tell an adult about a potentionally dangerous situation.)

Ags,
January 22, 2013 5:10 PM

Re: tattling vs. telling

Regarding #13 above--the point Susan made is a very good one. We have always made an effort to discourage our children from tattling, which happens a lot and increases if you entertain it. But, if other are (or potentially are) being harmed by someone or harming themselves we encourage telling an adult immediately. I like the idea of putting the question to the child, "Are you telling us to get someone into or out of trouble?"

I'm an Episcopalian, but the concept of hurtful, but true (perhaps more crucially, what the speaker BELIEVES is true), talk about others being sinful is helpful in my own struggles with gossip. The most compelling notion for me is that the listener is the most culpable. I am by nature a fairly taciturn person, but I've sure done my share of contributing to the sin of gossip by eagerly listening to juicy tidbits.
Now that I've been a victim of "near-truth, spread maliciously or perhaps just thoughtlessly," I better recognize my own sinful behavior. I contributed to my attacker's sin by previously listening to her speak ill of others without once disapproving. Why should I be surprised that she has sinned against me in this regard?
I'm currently praying for the strength to forgive her and not to repay her with similar sin.
Thanks for an excellent, practical article that speaks to anyone wishing for better relationships with God and our neighbors!

(10)
noam hayman,
March 3, 2008 4:49 AM

Thank You so much!

I am researching Lashon Hara for a d'var torah that I am going to give. And II would like o say that This article is amazing,

Sarah Chana Radcliffe, thank you

(9)
dees,
December 9, 2007 7:20 PM

Thank You!

I am a Christian and I am doing personal research on the topic of gossip; I have been amazed and humbled by what I have learned thus far. I have been on the receiving end of gossip so I know all too well the results of this abuse of the talent of speech. Thank You!

(8)
Richard,
February 14, 2007 8:39 AM

Thank you!

My mother was jewish, but I was brought up in an entirely secular family. As a grownup I have started to gravitate to the undeniable wisdom of the jewish people, secular or religious, and this article has been another stone in the foundation of something good.

(7)
Yoshe :),
January 15, 2007 11:22 AM

(: Thank you for these reminders and suggestions

I shall avoid using people's names in conversation, using she or he instead, and remember that the story should be about improving the decisions of those participating, including me.Shalom v' Simcha, Yoshe :)

(6)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2007 5:14 PM

Love this article...

and others like it having to do with lashon hara (did not come from Jewish background). Have posted Arachin 15b at home and work and have been successful at avoiding lashon hara most of the time, but still need some work. Will keep an eye out for these laws and use the reminders on the telephone, etc. Thanks for the suggestions.

(5)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2007 12:43 PM

Another reason to stop Loshen Hora

For years, I spoke Loshen Hora so that i could be the center of attention, but always felt bad about talking about somebody (even when I spoke badly to somebody directly). Several years ago, I found that when I spoke Loshen Hora, I would become physically sick for days. It took awhile to connect the dots, but finally I did and am now Loshen Hora free! I even get the hibbe gibes when people start to talk loshen hora to me. So now, when somebody wants to talk Loshen Hora, I tell them I don't want to hear. If they continue with their "juicy piece' of gossip, I just walk away.

(4)
karis fetrow-smith,
February 11, 2004 12:00 AM

what a great article, i use it all the time

i not only use this article at home to teach my children. i use this parts of this article at work to train employees. because gossip/lashon hara is so destructive, i use this with family, friends, and often send copies to other families to use to teach their children. what a great article. it is concise, well thought out, and exactly what our community needs right now.

(3)
Hannah,
March 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Ann Landers

I think it was Ann Landers who said "Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about themselves, and below average people talk about others." Which type of person do you want to be? :-)

(2)
Kira Sirote,
August 21, 2002 12:00 AM

Start young!

5 year olds are already exposed to the negative effects of Lashon Hara. Both girls and boys begin to experiment with social relationships, cliques and teams. Don't wait until they're older to teach them to avoid Lashon Hara.

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...