Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #1

*Muffled laughter* *plate shatters* -*Chuckles* Well son, are you ready to open your present? Whoa! *Tears wrapping paper* -Wha…?
-It’s your very own pony! Dad, you idiot!
I WANTED AN XBOX! *Grumbles* Nuh uh uh! Not so fast, son. This isn’t JUST a pony, for within this pony is the antidote. An antidote you ask? Why; the antidote for the POISON that was in your birthday cake! *Flickers lights and imitates thunder* *Sinister chuckle* Oh yes, that’s right son. You ate a poison! Now you get to choose either to kill the pony to retrieve the antidote, or spare the pony and let yourself DIE! The clock is ticking, birthday boy. *Maniacal laughter* Kill the pony! *Laughs* Yes, yeah son!
-*Screams and charges towards pony* *Sounds of stabbing, neighing horse* *Yelps and begins to sob* *Shuffles through horse’s organs* -*Running noises* Happy birthday, son! *Laughs* Well, it would seem that the lesson… …was more valuable than the present; ey, boy? *Opens fridge* Reach into the back; those are the freshest. I know, I know… *Grunts* Whoa! Okay, I got it. We’re going to need you to power down before takeoff. Thank you! *Attention sound* Welcome aboard Magic Airlines. This is your (uhh…) captain speaking. If you look down the aisle, you’ll see (uhh…) Cindy, who will be… …demonstrating for you the (uhh…) safety features we have on-board your flight. Emergency exits can be found at the front and rear of the plane. Please turn off all electronic devices during this time until it is safe. In case of an emergency, An oxygen mask will dispense from your overhead. To inflate your life preserver, pull on these doohickeys here. That oughta do it. Magic Airlines appreciates your attention; thank you. *Attention sound* Alright folks, buckle up, I hope you paid attention to our safety features on today’s flight, Because (uhh…) we’re gonna take a little pop quiz. *Plane splashes* “Crowd Gasps” *Screams of fear* *Metal clank, screams from climbers* There’s too much weight! I — I have to cut the rope! *stammers* I’m sorry! WAIT! Let me do it! Whoa! What the fuck, dude?! There’s too much weight; it has to be done. I’m sorry! What makes you think he can hold you?! Trust me, he can! He’s been working out! Tell him I’ve been working out! Well, if anything, can’t we cut the piano off? Huh. Yeah, that might actually be a good place to start. Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down! Slow the fuck down! I didn’t come all the way to perform the first sonata… …at the summit of this mountain just to fall off and die! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, there’s no other way.
I..I’m so sorry… Your piano is just too heavy… Your mother’s too heavy! Hey!
-You take that back! Make me!
*begins to cut* I take it back!
*rock crumbles* Guys, I’m slipping! *Dramatic piano music* Haha, nice! Thank you!
-Seriously though, we’re all gonna die! Hold on! We’re…we’re gonna figure this out!!! If I may, if you’re still deciding that whole “where to cut the rope” thing, *chuckles* Um, pretty sure the guy below me is a pedophile. I’m a teacher; not a pedophile!!! This is a field trip; I’ve told you guys like nine times! Wait, there’s kids down there? We can’t kill kids! Not just that; they’re retarded kids!!! Oh, God!
-This is bad! This is really bad! Hey, uh… can we just cut off the panda bear?
-*Whimpers* I should think not! That’s an endangered species! Oh, okay. Hmm. (to all) What does everyone else think? Drop him.
-Ditto.
-Kill the panda! Cool; here ya go! Whoops! Well, this is it! *Sad piano music* It’s been an honor climbing with you guys! I’ll see you all in another life! *Music stops, snapping sound* *Multiple thuds and groans*
-that’s the knife. *Phone rings* Hi, this is Rod’s Thick Pizza. How do you want it? Hi there. I’m a real lonely girl, and I’m so hungry. I could take ALL the meat you have. Mmm… I think we could “do it” for you, Would you perhaps like a spicy mexican? Or a hot Italian sausage?… Ooh, I’ll take Italian, with extra sausage. Now ma’am, you know we only do it “deep”… I’m so ready!!! Mmm, good. I’ll be “coming” in thirty minutes. See you then. I’ll be waiting… *Doorbell rings* Hello ma’am, here’s your pizza!!! Aaaaand? Aaaaaand…that’ll be 12.95. “Shocking breath” *Laughing* “Panicked shout” Alright everyone!!! Let’s get moving!!! Single file, let’s go!!! *Screams* Sorry, we’re only evacuating woman and children first. Hey Hey..mom!! Whaaa. WHAAAA. Whaaaa whaaa! *Struggling Grunt* huuuu, huuuh!!! Alright, we have room for two more. Next. Wah. Ok, climb aboard. Ha, thank’s ma’am (Man voice)
No problem -Hehehey, alriiight! -Get this bra off me! *Chattering* *Crying* Doc, give me the good news! How’s my bundle of joy doing? (Low voice)
Hmm…No… No that’s…that’s not right at all… Oh no?…Is there something wrong? Uh… I’m sorry to tell you this, Miss McCloud but… I think you’re feelling what is called a “phantom pregnancy.” The symptoms you’re experiencing are psychosomatic… You simply aren’t pregnant.. WHAT?!! No that can’t be, i know that I’m pregnant i can feel it! Ma’am, I understand that this is very difficult news to hear… But I can assure you that you’re not pregant. -I’m so sorry, I can’t ima…
-wuuuuUUUAAAAA I’M GOING INTO LABOUR!
AAAHHH Woah woah woah woah, wait, wai..wait, what? How can that happ…
Oh o.. o.. ok um… Take deep breath Miss McCloud, uhh… Deep breaths… In, and out In, and out -Haaaaaaa!!!
-Ok you’re doing good -AAAAAAH!!!!!! IT HURTS!!
-Keep breathing -IT F*CKING HUUURTS!!!! You better watch you’re mouth Miss McCloud, you’re baby’s coming out swearin’ like a sailor! SHUT THE F*CK UP AND HELP ME!!!! Yes of course, Just keep pushing, and focus on the breathing, -Perfect, Just like that…
-AAAAAAAH -I think I can see it!
-HAAOOOooow SHIT! “Plop” I cannot believe it!!! It’s a boy!!! Well, Ms. McCloud, it seems I spoke too soon! You are now the proud mother of a bouncing baby bo….. M.. Miss McCloud? Okay, when we break the news to the kids, We need to do it in a way that doesn’t make one of us seem like “the bad guy.” We need to let them know that we still love them…we just don’t love each other. Yeah… you’re right. But, look, it’s okay, I’ll start the conversation… If they have any anger, it will be towards me. They can’t be mad forever. Really? Wow. Thank you Brad. That’s very mature of you. Well… they’ve always liked you more anyway… heh… Kiiiids, put you’re toys down for a minute. Your father and I… Your father and I have something to tell you… Kids, your mom and I love you, very much. So very much! You’re just the best kids in the gosh darn world, and we are so lucky to be your parents.. And that’s why, I’M RAISING YOUR ALLOWANCE BY FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! (Both kids)
-Yeaaahhhh! What? -Thank you daddy!
-You’re the best dad ever. Brad? What are you doing? Kid’s, you’re not getting a bigger allowance. Your father and I are getting a divorce! WHAT??!! Noo!! M-Mom? Whyyy??!!! -Why are you doing this to us?
-Yeah mom, whyyyy? *Cries* You monster!!!!! “Neighing horse” “Country Music” Starly: Can I put it in your butt?
Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt?
Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt?
Starfy: Yes you can!
Starly: Thank you Starfy! Haaa… Pinocchio, you look marvelous. You almost look like a real boy… I wanna be a REAL doll! *Flute Music* *Drilling* “SMS” “whistle music” “Blink” “Whistle” “SMS” “Cash sound” “Whistle” “SMS” “Sad violin music” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Suspense Music” Pfft… “Whistle” “Scream” “Sad piano music” *Whistle music* *Crying bird chirps*