- Newbie struggeling....

I will try to keep this brief. I have been involved with a wonderful man.. who went off the wagon a year ago. He has a history of being abused, sexually, and physically as a child... but has not dealt with it. Out of the blue.. he decides he no longer wants to be in a relationship... I asked when he thought our relationship was good... and the date he threw oyt conicided shock... with when he was sober.. I am not in AA... but have attended Alanon on and off. During this time he has also taken a job which puts him away from home for months at a time... he is a therapist... I know I can't fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed... but I just don't know what to do.. I am starting a new job in a week, my son is coming home today after being at his dads for vacation... I can't breathe.. let alone function... he talks in circles... I love you... but I don't know how to do this... I can't give you what you need... and I am sick over this... he is coming here over Labor day and I don't know what to do.........

One of the things that I do, when I'm in doubt. I take a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Then, I write down this question... (and, this is for real... not a joke or anything, even though it may sound like it):

"What would an adult do in this situation?"

If I still have doubts, or can't get clear, I add a word to it: Mature.

"What would a mature adult do in this situation?"

The reason I do this is: When I'm emotionally disturbed, it's easy to fall back into childish thinking for me. Hoping and wishing for things that are imaginary and not based in reality. So, when I pause... and ask myself the question above, it's like it goes to a deeper place inside of me, where maturity... once in a while can be found.

Maybe... you might want to give it a try and then log-in and share with us what you came up with.

Please don't misunderstand my message above.... It has nothing to do with you -- or maturity. It's not about you. It's simply "how" I get some of my own answers in similar situations... so, it's really, "all about me."

I have gone back in forth in my mind.... part of me wants to put all his stuff on the tree lawn... only because it will make me feel better.. and the other part of me just wants to hold him until his pain goes away... my brain says don't be there when he comes home... and then I get afraid it will be the last time I see him... his signals are so conflicting... you are my best friend... I want to stay in you and your sons life... I don't even know how to react to any of it... and I feel manic...

Have you considered checking in with the folks at Al-Anon? They have tons of experience in dealing with these very problems. I went to them when I was having to make some of my own difficult relationship decisions and they were a wealth of information and support for me.

Dallas... that is very good advice.. to be honest... I quit going to Al-Anon when he quit working his program... and I just don't know if I have the energy.. my biggest fear is when he comes back next weekend.. that will be the last time I ever see him.. and that breaks my heart... I told my son last night.. wow.... the look on his face was something no parent is ever really prepared for.. heartbreak on a childs face... makes me just want to punch him when he gets here... my really an adult response I know.. but this is my baby who is now hurting too... he then sent me a message asking how is the little guy.. really? really? I didnt even answer.. not even worth responding too.....