Archive for the Opinions and Articles Category

Today I’m a little moodier than usual and I stumbled upon a song which seems to fit with my state of mind. I was thinking of relationships, how they begin, how they end and so on. Are D/s relationships or relationships which involve BDSM elements the same? Well, of course they are, at least very similar. They still involve people. Even if some of us might like them more impersonal, a feeling of mutual sympathy and respect still exists. Moreover, not few are the cases when actual love occurred between the partners, who have lived happily ever after.

The steps we take before getting involved with a person are quite the same: we meet, we find out if we have common interests, likes, dislikes. We talk, talk some more, go out again and then maybe we’ll get to the “behind closed doors part”. Then we all go on with our daily lives, but we still talk with our partner and see each other from time to time (or maybe daily, whatever, this storyline is just for fun, it is easily changeable), then suddenly everybody knows we’ve left the “single” category. In unfortunate cases, a rapture appears and the two break up; hearts break and wounds heal in time or maybe the the two actually remain friends. Sounds very vanilla up to now, right?

Well, maybe not so vanilla somewhere in-between. As a Dominant or a submissive person, we choose the types of relationships we would like to have with others. We might want long-term relationships or only occasional sessions; we might want to have a typical relationship besides the BDSM one with the same person, or we might just want to stick to the D/s one, not wanting to involve with a partner in a multi-level relationship. Some choose a D/s relationship as a “parallel life”, when they know that they cannot have this with their spouse, but they know their spouse is the perfect partner from all other points of view. It’s not easy deciding what you want from life in general, but add BDSM to it and everything just gets more messed up.

From my point of view, the best way to go is to have a long-term BDSM relationship with your partner. Maybe you discovered it together and experimented all kind of things, maybe you met in the scene and decided you were a match, or maybe you wanted it and presented the lifestyle to your partner, “converting” him or her to the ever-moving world of BDSM. Some might not agree with me, but a relationship needs trust and communication, and these two don’t come in easily. It takes time to get to trust one another and to learn how to tell each other about your desires, fantasies etc. Not to mention that, in time, non-verbal communication occurs and you tend to know what feels good, what doesn’t, what your partner wants and so on without him or her even telling you. This applies to both D/s relationships (when the partners only meet with this purpose in mind), TPEs and people who have a “BDSM-bedroom” relationship (my own definition for people who are like a vanilla couple all the time and they have a D/s relationship only in the intimacy of their bedroom). So, long-run in the key, at least to my mind!

Since I’m such a romantic and a sucker for RULES, PROTOCOLS, SYMBOLISM and the like, this article is dedicated to all the control-freaks Dominant persons out there (such as myself). Enjoy!

We rarely get to read something about BDSM Safety without actually getting to hear “BDSM Etiquette” at least once every two articles. Not to be an exception from this rule, I will also mention some aspects of this etiquette, but I will not focus on it, since my main priority is not the whole code of rules, but just the symbolism of this “obscure” society.

The BDSM Etiquette is a code, a collection of common-sense rules for meeting and interacting with people from the scene in a safe, sane and consensual way, but also acknowledging and applying RAWK (risk-aware consensual kink). It states that, above all, we are human beings, free of slavery in its basic, dictionary sense and that we are free to choose any role we’d like in the scene, free to say no, free from any type of constraint regarding our decisions. One can enter the game and leave it at his or her own free will.

Now, on to symbolism and symbols. Again, not news to anybody with the slightest interest in BDSM that the novel “The Story of O” by Pauline Reage and the 1975 movie are milestones to what the society represents, how it is portrayed and how it is kept from the curious eye. Long story short, the novel is the story of a submissive young woman, O, taken by her lover to the Roissy castle for training. You have to discover the rest for yourself, but mind you, don’t hesitate to read the book or at least to watch the movie; it’s worth it.

Now, as the book described an the movie depicted, after a person’s training was over, they were to wear a specific type of ring, which was viewed as some sort of a recognition symbol for those involved in BDSM. I simply adore this idea of having to or choosing to wear a well-known symbol so as to signal the others that you are different. Imagine this, you are wearing a ring inspired by the Story of O and go to an office party, the very boring, but mandatory kind. The nigh is slow and you are dazing off with a glass of wine in front of you when, suddenly, a mysterious, dark, enchanting male/female brushes by you and slowly whispers in your ear “I know who you are and what you need”, leaving you confused while walking away with a sly smile. You take a sip of wine and realize you’re wearing the ring. Voila, and let the games begin!

Now, stepping away from fantasy, let us return to symbols. These are two supposed versions of the Roissy ring, out of which the first one was actually used in the movie.

Now, you might notice something strange on the design of the second ring. That is a triskele (or triskelion), a symbol often used by the Celts to depict constant motion originating from a single central point, force. The Celts used this symbol to portray:

personal growth

human development

spiritual expansion

Because of the three “legs”, according to different eras, it was given new meanings:

Spirit, Mind, Body

Father, Son, Holy Ghost

Mother, Father, Child

Past, Present, Future

Power, Intellect, Love

Creator, Destroyer, Sustainer

Creation, Preservation, Destruction

Now, am I just being overly romantic or do some of these go hand in hand with the BDSM world? Creator, destroyer, sustainer screams Master/Mistress at me, while power, intellect, love underlines the necessary traits for a functional SM-relationship, in my view. And the list of perceived meanings could go on and on…

The Celtic triskele was adapted for the BDSM world in this form (copyrighted by Steve Quagmyr, but which can be used for non-profit purposes). He explains it to be the communion of Safe, Sane and Consensual, but also the interdependency of BD, DS and SM as well as that of Tops, Bottoms and Switches; it is supposed to be a discreet way for people of the scene to recognize each other, even in a vanilla environment, without negative consequences that sometimes occur when one is discovered to be part of an Alternative Lifestyle.

A non-copyrighted version of the BDSM symbol is:

Other well known visual symbols are:

The Ownership Flags – Different images for those who are Owners or owned:

– general Ownership Flag

Male/Female Owners, Masters/Mistresses:

Submissive Males/Females, Owned/Collared:

Submissive male/female, Unowned/Not collared:

This concludes my view for today on BDSM visual symbols. Till next time!

Listening to the previously mentioned ORE song, The Pleasure of Pain, one question of the lyrics keeps repeating on and on in my head. That question is: “WHAT IS FETISHISM?”. Never mind the fact that it gives me tingling sensations, I decided to actually search the Internet for fetish-related articles, definitions etc, though I’m sure most of the readers know what a fetish is.

For myself, I have a very simple definition: Sexual Fetishism is manifestation of erotic desire, desire triggered by an object, part of body, image etc. Almost anything that exists can be a fetish for a certain person. Some might like high-heeled women’s shoes, other might like food, while others might enjoy a specific colour or balloons. Nonetheless, not every “like” is a fetish (if I tell you that I like wearing latex skirts, that does not necessarily mean that I have a fetish for latex). When a person has a fetish, this “like”,this pleasure turns into adoration, strong desire which one cannot resist to. Here I must also add that, although probably everybody has a declared (or not) fetish, this does not imply that sexual desire occurs only in the presence of that “object” (I will call it so, even if I refer to the latex fetish or to feet fetish). Sexual desire might be triggered by a certain object, but the person associated with that object is of vital importance. No person who has a foot fetish will adore all kinds of feet; they will look for something in particular (the form of the toes, nails, nail colour etc) and they will need to have a certain connection to that person. A submissive male with a leather fetish will enjoy the fact that his Mistress is dressed from head to toe in leather, but that might come secondary to the fact that he is in the presence of his Domme, to the fact that he is submitting to a Woman or only being allowed to be in Her presence.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Not every person who has any type of fetish is also a submissive! Many are, but many are not. For example, I simply adore extremely elegant, high-heeled shoes and I can never have too many pairs, I could sit endless hours just looking at them and trying them on, but does that make me submissive? Not really.

Now, I’m going to keep my mouth (or my writing) shut for a while and give you some definitions of the discussed terms.

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object. Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship causing a better sexual bond between the partners. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes, in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.

10. Stomachs (I would definitely not agree with this one; just because we live in a society which deems perfectly flat abs as perfection it does not mean that our obsession with having a flat stomach means we actually have a fetish for it. I just think it’s an unhealthy obsession.)

9. Body Piercing (Again, don’t really agree, but I don’t have a clear reason for this one).

8. Leather, rubber, vinyl, latex (OH, my goodness, HELL YEAH!)

7. Domination and submission (Did anybody expect this to be deemed as a fetish?!)

6. Feet and hands (Couldn’t agree more. Although I do not have a fetish of this kind, clean, manicured/pedicured nails mean that the person takes good care of himself/herself, care about image, health etc.)

5. Fingernails and lipstick.

4. Hair (For men, it seems that long braided hair, pigtails, ponytails etc are a such a big turn-on that they cannot get excited without it.)

3. Water (?!)

2. Golden Showers

1. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism.

To my mind, not a bad “Top 10”, though I for sure would have rearranged them in another order, skipped some and added some more. But that’s just me, always picky and a perfectionist.

To conclude this short incursion into the world of fetishism, I’ll leave you with some pictures of what I enjoy, be it as a fetish or not.

DISCLAIMER – A spicy lifestyle blog

THIS BLOG CONTAINS MOSTLY ADULT RELATED CONTENT!

I decided to write this blog as an info-page for those interested in the alternative lifestyle, mainly focused on BDSM. It will contain both articles in English and Romanian, but most of the ones in my native language will be translations from other sources, which I will quote (please visit them also).

I do not advise anybody to try any of the things written about without proper training and research, specialized supervision and without taking safety precautions! I am not responsible for any damage caused by people who rely on these writings for support. I will repeat, this is a personal blog and it contains my opinions and some things I have researched, but it is only one source of information, not an advice board!

Every article written here will contain references to BDSM and SM and you are personally responsible for any decision to participate in such acts. I inform, I warn, but there can never exist such a thing as complete information and assurance. The practices mentioned here are not risk-free, but people who decide to participate are considered experienced and properly prepared to face the consequences of their acts.

The whole content of this blog in personal and copyrighted. I will report to the proper authorities any attempt to steal or copy the articles written here without my permission.

I appreciate support and feedback, so if you feel that you have something to tell me, please do so at a.du.malevil@gmail.com