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As I was driving away from Memphis months ago, U-Haul behind me, I began to cry. The man in my passenger seat, an old boyfriend, asked me what was wrong, with a slight smirk on his face. I got very choked up when I responded, “It’s the only place I felt at home.”

The smirk disappeared as he replied, “I’m sorry, Brandi.” I don’t know that anyone else truly understood my pain, truly knew how much that drive hurt me, but him. And that’s why I forgive him for what he did after that, and I can’t be too angry with him. I had another dream about him last night. In this one I gave him my number and told him to call if he wanted to hang out. “Do you really think it will work?” he asked and I laughed, “Of course not! But I want you to know that it’s okay anyway.” I sometimes consider doing just that. But the chemistry between us is too strong… we’ll wind up hooking up, and it will end in disaster. Besides, I don’t care about him like that, at all. But still, out of all the moments he and I have shared since we began dating in 1995, that one moment in the car heading South from Memphis meant more to me than all the others combined. I am glad to have had someone there during that painful separation between me and my home.

And now Memphis the musical has opened on Broadway. I expected Memphians to give it the worst reviews (they are a pissy bunch, the Memphis hipsters), but to my pleasant surprise it has received props from the Bluff City inhabitants. I haven’t seen it myself, so I will refer you to the most awesome I Love Memphis Blog. You can get to the homepage via the blogroll on the right, but first read the review of the musical by clicking the picture below:

Like this:

I noticed something on my walk the other day. The leaves were falling and it felt great and I picked up my pace so that I could try to catch one falling. I did, then tossed it behind me and kicked it from behind. I felt good about fall. That’s not a consistent feeling for me at this time of year, as I always mourn summer. I cling to it with every fiber of my soul as Mother Nature, loving the Mississippi heat as she so obviously does, sloooowly and painfully pries it away from me and replaces it with bitter cold, wet, gray days. But she softens the blow by inserting some crisp nights and pretty leaves in the short weeks between Stifling Hot and Depressingly Cold, and I appreciate her for this. It’s really the least she could do.

She has fully activated her dying process of all things green, and my thoughts turned toward the end of this year, of 2009. I suppose it isn’t just me because a friend began talking about it yesterday. He was looking back on all the craziness of his year and wondering if it had any more surprises in store for him before its end. I don’t mean to be self-centered, but I honestly don’t know anyone who has had a year as difficult as mine. A divorce, job loss, TWO moves, leaving my city and my home, leaving all of my friends, another failed relationship post-divorce, unemployment for months on end, moving back in with my parents, coming back to LOUISVILLE… it’s been very hard. I should want to say goodbye to 2009.

It’s bittersweet though. I’ve seen more in this year alone than I have in all of the previous years combined. I got wasted backstage at the Hi-Tone after deciding to go out alone, I lived completely alone for the first time ever, I found closure with an old love and completely feel over that for the first time in my life, I heard the wind whistling through the Grand Canyon, I had an extremely loud tequila-induced argument in the middle of a parking lot in Las Vegas, rode a train from San Diego to Los Angeles, spent all night in the sand watching the pelicans dive into the waves at Pismo Beach, and experienced delightful first kisses with three completely fabulous men (after nearly a decade of kissing the same man – though he used to be pretty damn fabulous himself). I’ve been through countless hours of therapy, made some shitty decisions and some genius ones, learned to not be so hard on myself, and discovered the joy of creating my own affirmations to hang around my apartment. This year was horrible and devastating and tear-laden. And it was beautiful and exciting and filled with laughter. It has been the most emotional year of my life – one of the absolute worst and absolute BEST. I wouldn’t trade one second of all the joy I’ve had, even if it removed every bad time. This was the most exciting year I’ve ever experienced and I am looking forward to the last three months of it.

It reminds me of a quote by Zora Neale Hurston, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” I have thought about it a lot, what kind of year this has been. Definitely the answers. I cannot wait to discover how 2010 will awaken the questions lying dormant inside me.

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Inspiration

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859