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So What Happened?

I decided just send him a card. it is long overdue.
thank you! wise moms.

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N.K.

answers from
Miami
on
June 02, 2017

Please tell me this is a joke. What sane adult would sacrifice not eating to send money to two frigging grownup kids on their birthdays??! Eating is a necessity. Gifts are not. Unless they are missing their arms, legs or brain, they CAN and SHOULD be able to work and pay their basic necessities, without expecting mom to sacrifice herself and possibly end up ill in the hospital from malnutrition.

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B.C.

answers from
Norfolk
on
June 01, 2017

You have to eat.
Buying food is more important than giving birthday money.
Do your sons know you are having a hard time?
Maybe they should be sending you a little cash from time to time to help you until you get a new job.

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J.B.

At this point, they should be helping you out. Just send a card or give them a phone call. Adult children should not be taking money from a parent who is on a fixed income.

And...it's appalling that they don't give you birthday gifts. I can't imagine not celebrating my parents' birthdays with at least a small gift. Sometimes I don't have the budget to really splurge but I always get them something. If they're on limited budgets too then of course you don't want them spending money that they don't have but hopefully they're thoughtful enough to at least call you, visit, celebrate with you or send a card.

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J.K.

answers from
Wausau
on
June 02, 2017

I keep telling my mother to stop sending birthday money. I'm 40. She needs to use that money for herself. She doesn't listen so I stopped trying to convince her and just set it aside to use for her needs later.

That said, this isn't about score keeping. My kids don't get me anything for my birthday because I never taught them to do so. I very seriously do not care at all and don't want to instill some sense of obligation for no reason.

If you want something from your sons, use your words and say so very clearly. Don't stay silent then get mad because they can't read your mind.

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D..

answers from
Miami
on
June 01, 2017

They are grown now. They don't need your money. Instead, tell them happy birthday and that you love them. Let that be enough.

It sometimes takes adult children a while to realize that it is no longer their parent's job to take care of them. They are just used to the "status quo". You need to let them figure this out. You also need to be honest with your children and tell them that you are having trouble with being able to afford food. Sometimes kids just don't "see" this stuff and they need to see it.

If your adult children act badly about it, then they are selfish and spoiled and not treating you with respect. Don't enable bad behavior. Don't give up your grocery money in order to "make them happy". I sincerely hope that they don't treat you like this.

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M.D.

answers from
Pittsburgh
on
June 02, 2017

Do not skip groceries to send $ to adult children. If your children have any heart at all, then they will feel terrible if you send $ in this situation (and if they are totally selfish then they don't deserve it anyway).

However, do not tie this to their lack of gifts to you. Gifts are never required from anyone. There are lots of other ways to show someone that you love them.

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S.H.

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S.L.

answers from
Denver
on
June 01, 2017

On their birthday, just tell them you are sending a card and that money is a little tight. Usually guys aren't really into the birthday thing. My dh rarely gets anything. I don't take offense anymore. That's how he grew up - nobody made a deal about it.

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M.G.

I would rather my mother eat than send me money - I suspect they would feel the same way.

I think it's nice you acknowledge their birthdays - you still can, by way of a card and some heartfelt words.

As for them not celebrating yours - that's a bit inconsiderate but depends if they were always like this, or they just are clueless. Some people are. My husband has to be reminded of his family's birthdays. It's not that he doesn't care - he's just stunned sometimes.

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D.B.

answers from
Boston
on
June 01, 2017

You don't give up groceries (or medicine or heating oil or....) to give money to adult children. You don't have to feel guilty about it. You don't owe them an explanation. You can opt to tell them you are on a fixed income but I'm assuming they know you don't have a job. Send a card (buy 2 for $1 at the local dollar store or discount house) and buy a small booklet of stamps. Include a few words about how much you love them or share a special memory about them when they were younger.

If anyone complains, they are not the fine offspring you think you raised.

Since they don't do anything for you (which could be because they weren't raised to go the extra mile for someone else, or because they are clueless/thoughtless, or because they don't know it's important to you), they can't possibly be offended. If they are, you can take the opportunity to say it's been very one-sided or that you are quite broke and unable to afford groceries. Maybe they are in a position to help you, maybe not, but certainly they will no longer be in a position to expect more from you.

Hopefully they are good and decent sons who wouldn't want you to jeopardize your health o send them cash. Hopefully they are working. And it's time for them to stand on their own two feet economically.

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S.H.

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N.B.

answers from
Oklahoma City
on
June 01, 2017

Of course you take care of yourself first. Just let them know that your income has changed, not so they aren't expecting money from you when their birthdays come up, and tell them you are no longer able to buy adults presents of any kind, for any holiday.