“The process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the sender’s message is understood as he intended it. Unless the sender and receiver have come to a common meaning, they haven’t communicated effectively.” Wayne Mack, Your Family God’s Way

* We’ve been recommending the following resources for further study: (Ministry Resource Center)

War of Words – Paul Tripp

Your Family God’s Way – Wayne Mack

5. Remember, in Eph. 4, Paul writes about how to grow and change by replacing the ‘old self’ (thoughts & actions) with the ‘new self’ (biblical thoughts and biblical actions)

6. Paul illustrated this in verses (v. 25-32) and in these examples of the ‘put off’ and ‘put on’ – the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write 4 very effective “Rules of Communication”

> these are good for PREVENTING and SOLVING problems (in all areas of our lives)

[READ Eph. 4:25-32- skip v. 28 – though it is included in the context of v. 22-24 of put off/put on]

7. Our topic today is the last of the 4 RULES of COMMUNICATION – on July 4th, we’ll do something a little different – that day we do a very PRACTICAL STUDY – somewhat like a Case Study

C. Seven questions to ask yourself before bringing trying to resolve a problem.

1) Do I have the facts right? 2) Should love hide it? [Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth?] 3) Is my timing right? 4) Is my attitude right? Am I trying to help the other person? 5) Are my words loving? 6) Have I prayed for God's help? 7) Do I need to seek counsel from someone else before I try to resolve this problem?

- Last week’s study took us to RULE #3:

Rule #3: ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON - v. 29 & 30

- Paul makes it very clear that we are to . . .

A. “Put Off” words that attack a person's character.

- these are words that are the exact opposite of ‘edifying’ (building up)

“unwholesome” (Greek: sapros)= that which is corrupt or foul

- instead, we are to . . .

B. Use "edifying" communication that encourages or buildsup.

- this is done in such a way that ‘it will give grace to those who hear it’

grace = God’s unmeritedfavor

C. What does it mean to attack the problem?

- Short answer: To Discuss the problem in God-honoring way

1. Starts with your heart (inner man)

2. Includes your motive (What are you wanting to accomplish?)

3. Thinking right

4. Using biblical terminology

5. Modeling grace

6. Remembering you will give an account at the Judgment Seat of Christ for the stewardship of your tongue

- Let’s move into the last 2 verses of chp. 4 – all BOLD is now on POWERPIONT

Rule #4: ACT, DON'T REACT - vs. 31 & 32

- let’s begin our time with a question:

Q: What are some of the reasons WHY we tend to react instead of act?

- There are many answers to that but a couple of main answers would be:

1) The effects of the curse of sin (on our mind’s ability to think and reason)

- it’s easy to get defensive and react (especially if you don’t have all the facts)

> which is a good reason to ask questions instead of making statements when you are in the middle of or about to enter into a conflict

> sometimes asking questions can PREVENT conflicts from even occuring

- probably all of us have had situations that we ‘wish I had that to do all over again’

- we wish that because we didn’t THINK right which lead to not ACTING right . . . and producedthe destructive RESULTS/CONSEQUENCES of the choice(s) we made!

2) Because of #1, we tend to be impulsive (or walk in the flesh instead of walking the Spirit)

- if we’d focus more on that command instead of being defensive, we would prevent sin which would prevent conflicts . . . and broken relationships . . . and robbing God of His glory by giving the devil an ‘opportunity’ (beach-front) to destroy/prevent godly relationships!

Note: * One aspect of the fruit of the Spirit is ‘self-control’ – which is the exact opposite of ‘REACTING’

- let’s be honest, when we react, we are NOT walking in the Spirit and therefore we are not demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit of ‘self-control’

Point: When we do things OUR way instead of God’s way, it usually leads to strife, division, and destruction

> of your marriage, family, friendship with another person, or the splitting of the church!

- and what causes #2 or leads to #2 is

3) Because we make decisions based on our feelings rather than the truth of God’s Word

- of course, the result of this leads to destruction of the relationship

- Proverbs, again, warns us of this issue:

Proverbs 22:10Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, even strife and dishonor will cease.

- all this leads to

6. Malice - the desire to harm others or see them suffer.

Q: What usually results from a person who is ‘angry’ (slow-burn)?

A: Vengeance – the desire to get even, to do to other AS they have done to you!

- this is when we need to remember Romans 12:17-21

READ Romans 12:17-21 – note Who is responsible for ‘vengeance’

- the reason we can’t be vengeful is we don’t have the authority or the ability

> we don’t know what’s going on in the other person’s heart (but God does)

> we don’t have the power (ability) that God has (He’s OMNIPOTENT!!)

* Lesson: The natural tendency (and thus sinful response) of our Genesis 3 nature is to be defensive about dealing with our own sins.

- which is why we should listen carefully to Prov

Proverbs 9:8Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you.

Point: The way we respond to ‘reproof’ (rebuke) reveals the true character within us

- We are commanded to PUT OFF this kind of communication

- but just because you STOP something doesn’t mean you’ve changed

Q: In order to change, what do we need to do?

A: “PUT ON” the new man – put on v. 32

B. Actions (v. 32) - attitudes and actions you must "put on" to replace the reactions.

1. Kind - benevolent, helpful, courteous.

- this is the way Jesus treated people

Luke 6:35But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.

- this where we can give glory to God (give the right opinion) in how we treat others

> this is hard when we focus on how that person HURT ME

> but when we think about how much we HURT Jesus on cross as He died for our sin . . . it makes it easier to respond to others

- this is going to the depth of the inner man (what’s really going on in the heart)

- you can’t really fake this part – either it’s there or it’s NOT

- Jesus, the Wonderful Counselor, modeled this for us in His life!

“The idea of being compassionate, and reflects a feeling deep in the bowels, or stomach, a gnawing psychosomatic pain due to empathy for someone’s need.”[2]

- if you don’t have the first two, it’s not likely you will be able to fulfill the 3rd command

3. Forgiving - to give up your right or claim to revenge, hold a grudge, or get even.

- the key phrase is ‘just as God in Christ has forgiven us’

- Jesus made this issue very clear in Matthew 6 (our study on prayer earlier this year)

Matthew 6:14- 15For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”

- this takes humility, and grace on our part, and God’s help

- and this goes back to the beginning of chp 4 [context]

Ephesians 4:1Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called.

- this isn’t just something to think about and consider only if you want to

- we have been CALLED (a divine summons) to act in this way

IMPORTANT: Your marriage, your family, your relationship with others, your church family will be impacted (positive or negative) in the way you communicate!

Conclusion.

1. Conflicts are possible only if each person reacts.

- It takes 2 to argue – if you don't react, the argument dies.

- One person may be wrong, but conflict or fight occurs because the other reacts.

- When react, attack person, don't keep current, fail to be honest.

2. Changing habits is not easy but can be done with God’s help!

1 Cor. 10:13 (quote)

Note: It is much easier than the "way of the transgressor” (Prov. 13:15)

3. You can't change the other person, but you can change how you respond and/or how you initiate the communication!

- No matter how irresponsible the other person is, you must act according to v. 32!

Q: If you had to stand at the Judgment Seat of Christ today, what would Jesus say about your communication?

Q: Do you need to ask your spouse (or your kids) for forgiveness for NOT practicing any of these 4 Rules of Communication?