Turning 30

This is the year that I finally woke up from a deep slumber and remembered to be my self.

I have struggled with myself for the past 29 years. Just being myself. I tried to disown the person who was truly me and tried to live like everyone else. I failed. Miserably.

When we were kids, everyone said the key to happiness was having a good education, so I tried to do that for a while.

After we’re done with school, they said the key to happiness was to have a good job, so I tried to work towards that for a while.

Then I turned self-employed, they said the only way to be successful at business was to be mercenary like everyone else – I couldn’t do that and for years I allowed people to take advantage of that – that too, stuck for a while.

I wondered helplessly at the world. Is there not a place for someone like me? Full of ideals, unwilling to be mercenary, just wanting to be happy. It seemed wrong to want to be happy. It seemed ‘selfish’ to be pursuing your own dreams. I was labelled unrealistic, delusional, naive.

I couldn’t find my place, I couldn’t find myself, I struggled to cope with society’s demands. The expectations, the bills, the responsibilities. The guilt. The overwhelming guilt that I was not being filial to my parents because I have chosen an unconventional lifestyle and career. That they would have to live with their daughter never being able to ‘make it’. I tried to compensate them in my own ways, but I failed miserably.

The picture of my 29 years on earth seems to be summed up in one word. Failure.

I failed to get a good education, failed to hold a good job, failed to be the model daughter my parents wanted, failed in every conventional way possible. Looking back, it was of no surprise that I was suicidal. I wasn’t worth a place in society’s terms. I didn’t seem like I deserve anybody’s respect or love. I was nothing.

I am highly emotional and sensitive. I couldn’t will myself to do things I didn’t want to. I thought of myself weak for being emotional and sensitive. That it upsets me so greatly when I can’t work on stuff that I don’t enjoy. Or that I seem to feel too much. That my moods change like the wind.

It took my 29 years to realise that, everything that I detested about myself, were actually gifts.

That these gifts allowed me to be the person I truly am. To be very persistent at doing things that I love. To be determined to alleviate my own pain, and in turn, people’s pain. That being such a misfit gave me such intense empathy for other minorities. To want to be happy and not settle for anything else. I refuse to compromise. I refuse to think that it is ‘okay’ to settle for less.

I cannot be otherwise. I can only be me and live my life the way I want to live.

That took me 30 years, and am I blessed that I know this now. To be me and no one else. To have the beliefs I want to have, eat the way I want to, sleep with my own patterns, advocate my own causes, do the things that are meaningful to me.

Nobody can be me. You’re not me. Don’t tell me what gives my life meaning and purpose. Meaning and value, can only be derived internally. People can put a billion dollar value on me, but it wouldn’t matter if I perceive otherwise. Don’t tell me what is reality. I define my own reality. Don’t bind me to your perceived reality.

I have come a long way. I wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t believe that happiness is possible. My current lifestyle didn’t magically appear by itself. It happened because I believed in it and refused to buy other people’s version of reality.

The best decisions of my life, were irrational decisions. The ones that people call crazy or unrealistic.

The best years of my life, are ahead of me. I have tons to look forward to. It took me 30 years to be entirely comfortable in my skin but once it happens, there is no turning back. I have noticed something about myself lately. The more cynicism I face, the more idealistic I want to become.

The world didn’t progress because of the cynics, people. It progressed because of people who refused to accept the status quo/reality.

It is great, to be turning 30.

6 people left some thoughts on “Turning 30”

Just want to thank you for this beautiful entry… I can absolutely relate with the way you mentioned – about being different and how that being set-apart brings with it a lot of problems, of sadness, and of wondering and fearing that you’re somehow not worth being around…

And yet, this struggle turns out to be a gift, albeit a costly one. It requires much introspection, much honest ruthless self-searching and facing up to it, and of carefully weighing my personal values against that of the world, finding I’m coming short, and yet wondering why I am still consoled and happy. And in that struggle, a consolation. And that consolation becomes enough reason for just being myself.

Thank you for once again articulating your beautiful thoughts. And of allowing me to be able to just relate and smile, reading yours and knowing I am not alone.

I pray that God continues to keep you confident in your own ability, lovingly doing what you do so well, and that you always find that consolation and drive to move on with life joyfully. Because a life well-lived is the life that matters most.

I’m really happy for you that you’ve found peace within yourself and accept who you are. It’s a rare gift, self-love, especially for someone who has been through what you have. I’ll keep the lessons you have learnt in mind. Perhaps someday, I’ll learn to live with myself too.

It will probably take me a few more years to come to the same conclusion as you, but reading this makes me feel better, it makes me feel that it’s possible that I will one day come to terms with myself.

Ms M

left some thoughts on May 6th, 2011 1:25 am

Hello. I just happen to come across your blogspot and thanks for sharing your feeling and thought. I can relate to how you feel one way or another; such as abhorring educational system which we grow in, suffering under the stigma of what our society define as ‘successful’ and being a misfit to some extent. I have, by some misgiving, allowed the society to tell me how to life and by far has a miserable but bearable state of mind. On the other hand, i am thankful that i was born in a relatively fortune era era without much prejudice for being female and an unmarried lady who is also reaching her 30s in two years time. Though, bound by norms and rules of a certain society’s regime, at least the mind is free.

Ruby

left some thoughts on April 19th, 2012 10:50 pm

Thank you for your post… Strangely enough I find myself at 29 (30 in October) and although the impending age change has had no bearing on my life for the past 4 months, I find myself 100% understanding your post.

An event at work in January which I thought would be minimal in impact when it came to the rest of my life actually caused a ‘fracture’ that took everything down. This down time has forced me to face things I never wanted to and made me see myself for who I really am. It’s still a process and I have good and bad days but what keeps me going is coming across blogs like this one.

I’m slowly and steadily on the path to being where you are, thank you for taking the time to write as well as remind me that I’m not as paralyzingly alone as I thought… What you wrote resonates with me deeply. Thanks again

Leave some thoughts

Name (required)Email (will not be shared, required)WebsiteYour thoughts

Current ye@r *

Leave this field empty

about

This blog chronicles the thoughts, images & discoveries of a spiritually conscious designer with nomadic tendencies, from the city-state of Singapore.

She feels her thoughts are severely fragmented – hence the need to defragment, and hopes that somehow, some way, with a touch of serendipity, the blog would benefit some souls, just like how she was inspired by the words of many before. more

subscribe to

sidenote

This site is still green and is in constant evolution. Please pardon me for bugs and such.

The views expressed on this blog are entirely my own and from my own perspective. They are not meant to be seen as trying to pass off as the Universal Truth. Please keep an open mind while reading and feel free to disagree.