Conservatives declare war on themselves

Prime Minister David Cameron has declared war on himself and advised that all other Conservative Party members do the same.

Speaking at a press conference this morning the beleaguered Premier explained “We want a war. Labour did it. And we’re supposed to be the war party. And if Parliament won’t allow us to invade anywhere else then we’re just going to have to invade ourselves.”

The new concept of political self-warfare is thought to mainly involve jumping up in front of a mirror with an imaginary machine gun and shouting ‘takataktakatakata’ before pretending to die in a dramatic fashion. And then going off to find another mirror. Whilst many agree this to be a sensible reaction to yesterday’s ‘No’ vote, some MPs have argued that it may in some way undermine the respect of the Coalition and its supporters.

One Back bencher told us “I’m getting sick of front bench ministers rolling around on the floor in Parliament and shouting “peeow peeow”. I’m going back on holiday”.

Conservative MP for Portsmouth North Penny Mordaunt went on record to express her fury at stupid people disagreeing with things.

“The rest of Parliament and the public are stupid and so don’t understand why we wanted to go to war. They’re too stupid to understand that we’d already ordered the missiles and they’re also too stupid to understand that we have to follow USA blindly. But they can’t stop us playing war. So I’m going to stand in front of a mirror in the ladies toilets and make explosion noises. Then they’ll see how stupid they are.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne told us “I can’t talk now. I’m hiding from myself behind a table.”