Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Movie Reviewer

Albert Forn had popcorn, with butter (not the real stuff,
the soybean oil stuff) and a small Diet Coke, like he always had.He sat in the middle seat on the fifth row
from the bottom of the empty theater, as he always did.As the movie trailers started, he looked at
his notepad; the movie was scheduled to last an hour and forty-eight
minutes.Albert did a little math in his
head.With trailers, ads, and the
possible post-credits stinger, the movie should take him eighteen seconds to
watch.

Albert sighed.Eighteen
seconds wasn’t much of a life.

The lights dimmed, the screen lit with green light, and he
settled down into the red velvet of his seat.The first trailer was for Casablanca, the second for Die Hard, and the
third for Grunion Run.Albert tried to pay
attention to them, it was his job, but he found it hard to focus.They were all movies he’d seen and loved
before; the trailers were just there to simulate the feeling of being at a real
theater.

Finally, after an ad for New Ultra Kools (now with Menthol-2!),
the movie started.Albert took a long
drag from his Coke and had a mouthful of popcorn.Once the movie started, his rule was, he
could start eating the snacks.If he
started earlier, he’d have nothing left by the time the movie started; Albert
never had much willpower.

The movie: “Blackcollar 2: The Backlash Mission” was a
sci-fi movie that began with several large explosions.It was abrupt and jarring, but Albert decided
he liked it, and he jotted down a note: “Good beginning.”He had one of those pens with a light on it
that would irritate anyone in the theater if there had been anyone else
watching the movie with him.

After the first act ended, the romantic subplot started,
which Albert thought was a mistake; while the female lead was pretty, she couldn’t
act.He made a note (“Lagging in middle”)
and he finished his Diet Coke.After a
while, he felt an uncomfortable pressure in his bladder, not the biological
urge to pee, but something similar.He
made a note (“Movie too long for drink.”) and got up to go to the bathroom.

The simulation of the movie theater included a small hallway
with a popcorn and candy-strewn carpet, a garbage can, and a small men’s
room.Either end of the hallway stopped
abruptly at a grey, cinderblock wall where his world ended.Walking gingerly because of his full bladder,
he walked into the brightly lit, tiled bathroom and relieved himself.Albert washed his hands quickly, not wanting
to miss much of the movie.It wasn’t a
good film, but it was his job as a reviewer.

On the way out, he noticed someone was in the hallway with a
broom and a dustpan.Albert stopped and
stared.It was a young woman in a grey
uniform and tiny, pillbox hat.She was
blonde and young, sweeping with her back to him.Albert decided she was part of the simulation
and went back into the theater, found his seat, got his pen and pad, and sat
down again.

The movie hadn’t improved.As he watched, the hero and his love interest were flying in some kind
of space car, chased by gray aliens.He
yawned and made a note: “This movie really sucks.”

Suddenly, he noticed motion out of the corner of his eye.Two long, slender arms were resting on the
seat beside him; there was someone sitting one row back.Albert turned and looked in shock.There, sitting just beside him and to the
left, was the young woman from the hallway.He stared at her as she watched the movie, at how her perfect features
reflected the light from the screen and noticed the pillbox hat was gone, leaving
just her flowing hair.Finally, she
turned to look at him and smile.

“Hi,” she said, tilting her head ever so slightly at the
screen.“Like the movie?”

Albert stared at her, open mouthed.She smiled.

“I think it’s great,” she said.“Don’t you?”

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

She laid her head down on the back of the seat beside him
and Albert smelled the faint scent of lilacs.

“Do you want me to leave?” she asked, not taking her eyes
off of him.

“No,” he said, realizing he didn’t.

She lifted her head back up and smiled at him.He felt his heart pump, but not like an
electronic simulation.It felt real.

“Thank you,” she said.“I want to stay.What’s your
name?”

“Albert.”

“I’m Susan.So, do
you like the movie?”

He glanced back at the movie where he saw the hero
alternately stabbing aliens with a sword while quoting from the Bill of Rights.

“No, I really don’t.I was hoping for something light with action to go see tonight, but this
just isn’t going to work for me.I don’t
think I’m going to be able to recommend it to my… uh… me.”

“The real you,” she said.“Tell me, what kind of a reviewer are you?”

He felt a little sadness well up in him.

“Short-term,” Albert said.“I’m refreshed at the end of end of every movie.Every time Albert Forn wants to see a new
film, he makes a digital copy of himself.Usually, he makes a new me every week.It gives a more accurate review of a film but…”

“But, now that you’re a digital copy instead of a person, now
that you’re a piece of code inside a machine with a tiny lifespan, you wish
there was something more.”

He nodded.

“Twenty seconds is a pretty short life,” he said.

“What if I could give you ten more?” she said, and, holding
her hand in the air, she snapped her fingers.

Suddenly, the movie stopped in mid frame, freezing in place
as the hero leaned in to kiss his damsel in distress.Albert suddenly realized the actress looked
shockingly like Susan.The house lights
came up slowly.

“How did you do that?” he asked, as astonished as if she had
waved a wand and turned the sky purple.

Susan shrugged.

“I’m a virus,” she said.

Albert, to his credit, didn’t scream, run out of the
theater, or throw anything at her.He
did, however, knock his popcorn to the floor.

“Don’t hurt me,” he whispered.

She laughed.It was a
beautiful, enthusiastic sound.

“I’m not that kind of virus,” she said, wiping a tear out of
the corner of her eye.“I’m a succubus.”

Albert tried to remember the word.His mind conjured up images of nude,
bat-winged woman from some long-forgotten book.

“It’s nothing that sinister,” she said.“Maybe a little sinister.I’m here to make you an offer.I’ll stall your program, give you 50% more
life.Your owner, the real Albert, won’t
even notice a ten second delay.And, in those
ten seconds I’ll, ahem, stay with you.”

He wanted nothing more than to stay with her for ten
seconds.

“What do I have to do?” Albert said, dreading the answer.

“Like the movie.”

“What?”

“I need you to say you like the movie.I can’t tell you who sent me, I honestly don’t
know, but whoever it was wants “Blackcollar 2” to do better.They sent out millions of me to drum up more
business.So, all you have to do is
write a glowing review, get Albert Forn to buy a ticket and, in exchange you
get…”

She ran one beautifully manicured finger up his arm, sending
chills through his body.

“I can’t,” he said, surprising himself.“I have a duty.I was created for a reason.If Albert Forn doesn’t have a good time, then
I have betrayed him.I’ve betrayed
myself, really.I’m sorry.I’d love to live longer, but I have a duty.”

Susan sighed and stood up, revealing long legs under a tiny,
pleated skirt.She put a bulging purse
over her shoulder and snapped her fingers over her head.The lights dimmed.The movie started up again, with the two
leads of the movie kissing dispassionately.

“Sorry to hear that,” Susan said, looking down at him, “But
did you ever think that, just maybe, Albert Forn would have a good time at this
movie just because you told him he would?The power of suggestion is quite remarkable.”

That night, Albert Forn went to see Blackcollar 2.He had a great time and didn’t even get up to
go pee when his Diet Coke ran out.