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Why trying to look so perfect is blocking you in love

WOW! After coming off that trip to Paris, I am now in Tampa at my In-Laws, visiting Hemal’s grandparents who are here from India.

They are both in their 90’s. We call them Ba (grandmother) and Dada (grandfather) it is pretty amazing to see them together. They have been married for 70 years.

I am sure the 70 years of life together have been far from perfect, yet Dada still smiles when Ba walks into the room.

This week, to give myself some space to soak in the love of our family, I’m bringing you a throwback blog post. It’s super timely because it is something that has been coming up for a lot of women I’ve been connecting with lately:

Feeling like we have to look perfect, even in love!

Are you the kind of woman that is trying to show up as if you have it all together?

You may be driving men away unknowingly.

This is the case with my client, Katie. Katie came to me saying that one of her friends casually mentioned that she thinks that because she always has to look like she has it together, it can be intimidating for women (let alone men) to approach her.

So, she asked me, “Is this true about me? And is this the reason that the last guy I dated disappeared, even though it felt like we had a great time together?”

I said, “Yes. It is a part of it.”

Before asking this question, Katie had just told me about a first date she had been on so I used that as an example for her to see how she was really coming across.

On her date, which lasted 3 hours, (great start, right?) there was a moment where he started to talk about buying land and real estate, which is something Katie didn’t know a ton about.

In response to him saying this, she replied with, “I have always wanted to understand more about buying land and I have researched it a bit. It is pretty complicated” and she left it at that.

I asked her, “Are you truly interested in it?” She said, “Yes, but I don’t know a whole lot about it.”

I said, “Right, so why didn’t you ask him more about it as a way to learn from him?”

She replied with, “I didn’t want to look stupid or embarrass myself.”

I said, “I totally get it, but because of that thought, you are creating the impression that you have it all together and that you don’t need anyone. So, the man feels there is no way for him to contribute or give to you, which makes men feel like they aren’t needed and then they lose interest.”

Katie said, “I sort of get it, but what should I have done then?”

I said, “In that moment when he was talking about real estate and land, simply say, ‘I don’t know a whole lot about that and it sounds super interesting. Tell me more?’ That makes a man feel good. He then energetically can feel there is room in your life for him. However, you want to do this authentically. The way to do that is to look out for the conversations where he knows what he is talking about and the conversations that are intriguing to you. Then ask for more information, guidance, or insight. This makes it fun for him and fun for you because you are interested in hearing more about the topic.”

Katie totally got it.

I then said, “There is a reason why you don’t want to feel stupid or embarrassed and that trigger is what is stopping you from naturally engaging with men in this way.” {Tweet This}

She said very quickly, “Mom! She always made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing.”

So, her Lovework, along with asking for insight on topics she didn’t know a whole lot about on her next date, was to get to the root and talk to her mom and ask her, “Do you think I don’t know what I am doing or that I am stupid?”

This is of course a hard question for Katie to ask because emotionally she would be crushed if her mom said yes, but the reality is that her mom wasn’t going to say yes to that.

Katie asked her mom and of course her mom said, “No, I think you absolutely are smart. I just worry about you, so I need to make sure you know what you are doing.” This sunk in and something released for Katie.

What about you?

Do you find yourself keeping quiet or saying you know about something even if you don’t to not look “stupid”? It could be as simple as saying you’ve seen a movie that you actually never have! We’ve all done this, but especially in love, it is stopping us from really letting a man in to take care of us.

So your Lovework this week is to tell me in the comments below if you’ve ever experienced what Katie was experiencing. Why do you think you felt like you needed to look so perfect in that moment?