Monday, May 05, 2008

How should I handle it when someone leaves a nasty comment or writes something bad about my blog in one of their posts? What should I do?

I get this question every so often but I talked rather extensively with Loralee at Loralee's Looney Tunes not too long ago so I'm paraphrasing her question--leaving out the not-so-pretty particulars.

There are a couple of things to remember with a situation like this:

1. People who are truly nasty cannot be swayed by your articulate, logical and highly intelligent responses. Even if you're much smarter and better looking than they are.

2. Your words are permanent and they can come back to haunt you.

Now one of the oddities of the mom blog niche--or to expand it to blogs by women in general and parenting blogs by dads too--is that people are usually very, very nice. Now this doesn't mean that you're not going to get the occasional psychopath out to prove something by verbally taking you down but those situations are pretty rare.

If you spend much time in various blogging circles or shoot, just find any random video on You Tube and read the first dozen comments it got and you'll see that there are plenty of crazies out there who just want to get their words noticed. However, the mom blogging community is usually a kinder, gentler place to hang out, normally we're civil, polite and supportive.

That doesn't mean, however, that you can't get lucky one day and wake up to find you've been called out by someone named "Ann Onymous" because the post you wrote about your daughter chasing a Canadian goose on the library lawn offended her environmental sensitivities and now you've been officially labeled a Hater of Geese. Especially endangered ones.

I've had enough of these things happen that whenever I see a comment with "Anonymous" by it I always take a tiny little breath for fear of what's coming next--you'll notice that almost any time someone leaves a mean comment they leave it anonymously. I think that's because most of those people tend to be wandering through and just want to sock you in the gut before they leave to show that you're really not so great as others might think you are. And that's probably true--just ask my kids. Regular readers hardly ever leave unpleasant words, if they disagree with you they'll usually say so politely or say nothing at all.

Should It Stay or Should It Go?So how do you handle mean comments? First you have to decide if you'll delete them. Here's a nice little flow chart I've designed to show how I handle the "to delete or not to delete" dilemma:

To give you an example, a year ago our church burned down and it got a lot of coverage in the news. I had many comments on my post, most of them very supportive however there were one or two that had an edge to them. One suggested that the fire was an act of God punishing our congregation for not being true believers and I couldn't decide whether to let it stand or not. I did but I shouldn't have. I wanted to show that I wasn't afraid of criticism but instead it just irritated a volatile reader and things escalated into a name-calling session. I ended up deleting a few of the comments but I probably should have nipped everything in the bud by not allowing the first inflammatory remark to stand.

You Say it Best When You Say Nothing At AllBut once you decide if you're going to let a comment stay you have to decide a second thing: How are you going to respond? What if they write something mean about you on their own blog? I remember reading a blog that shall remain nameless and a commentator criticized the writer for using foul language in a earlier post. The commentator was right, there was foul language though I personally would have clicked out rather than stayed to criticize. Well it sent the blogger into a fury and she wrote a revenge post that was awful. Awful and brutal--think Braveheart meets Gladiator only not so cheerful and sweet--in essence she stuck the reader's head on a pike to stand as a warning to all who might dare criticize in the future.

I never visited her blog again.

Be careful how you treat readers, even the negative ones. Not just for fear of them never returning--rude ones probably never will anyway--but because it's common courtesy and because they're people too with thoughts and opinions that won't always mesh with yours and darn it, that's what makes the world so exciting. Who knows? Maybe they're even right once in a while.

Finally, I'm going to end with one more example. I got an email a week ago and I'm reprinting it here as an example of "Please learn from my mistake." I've edited it to keep the writer anonymous.

[Jane Doe Blogger] here! I have enjoyed reading your blog. I hope you don't mind, but I spotted a typo which you might want to correct.

Here's the line with the typo:

[Here she quotes a line from one of my posts of the previous week with the error highlighted in red.]

In case you can't see the red word, I think you meant to type "peek" instead of peak.

While no one is perfect, correcting typos helps make your site easier to read and gives it a more polished look. I know how difficult it is to proof your own work, and some typos slip through the spell check feature.

If you don't feel like fixing it, ignore or delete this email.

Doing my part to help clean up the internet,one typo at a time…

If you found this helpful you can visit me at my site then click the link below or cut and paste the link into your browser and use PayPal to make a donation for my time. 10% of every PayPal donation will go to [a certain literacy charity].

I'm afraid that this email caught me at a bad time and I reacted instead of acted and I was slightly irked. How can she say she reads my blog when it's obvious she doesn't? She only found one typo in seven days worth of posts--that's pretty darn good! Who is she to criticize me? Does she realize how inconvenient it is to go back and republish a week-old post? She wants a donation for this??

First, I made the classic mistake of writing an email back. I told her a definite no thank you and though I wasn't completely rude I did let her know I wasn't impressed. Surprisingly, she responded much better than I did with heartfelt and sincere apologies. She had no idea that she'd irritate me and didn't think that asking for donations to point out typos was such a bad thing--a friend had suggested that since she was good at it maybe she should set up a site to try and capitalize on her talent. On and on until I felt smaller and smaller for getting slightly riled up.

I still think she was way off to try it but I think my response was wanting in grace and class--something that the internet can always use more of. The best response to those kinds of things? Don't respond. Just ignore them, let them go completely, but if you MUST respond (getting in the last word can be a horrible temptation) then wait at least 24 hours before doing so. After a good night's sleep. And a dish of your favorite ice cream. It'll help you to approach things rationally and civilly (as least as much as possible.)

It's that old, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" and it applies to bloggers just as much as readers. Besides, nice always wins out in the end.

***

If you have other questions you'd like me to tackle, leave them in the comments because I'm always looking for good ones to write about. If you'd rather you can save them for July and meet me at Blogher 2008 in San Francisco where I'll be speaking July 18th about tips for new bloggers--I'm looking forward to meeting some of the wonderful bloggers I've met over the last two years. See you there!

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comments:

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Hi! I'm not really a mom, just a teenager surfing blogger. I just wanted to say that your blog is really cool!! My mom spent the last half hour reading your blog......she doesn't normally do that...Anyway, thanx a ton for that advise!! I never really thought about what I'd do if anybody left a nasty comment on my blog.....

My original comment on your "Nasty Comments" post turned into a condensed version of "War & Peace". I cut and pasted it into my draft section of new posts. Thanks for giving me a very good idea to talk about. Of course I will give credit where it is due.

Let me just say at one point in my blogging experience, any comment, even negative would have thrilled me. I do not delete any, but then I am not looking at anywhere near the number of comments that you are.

My parents taught me that being vulgar and crude or nasty and rude were signs the intellect was not fully engaged. The best insults and criticisms were those fabricated with polite words that ended up saying the same thing angry words did. Both of them were well versed in this technique. I have always tried to incorporate this idea into anything I write. As you say, "2. Your words are permanent and they can come back to haunt you."

I have written crudely and rudely, but I try to keep the language in the PG-14 range at least.

What a thorough post!! Between you and me (and everyone who reads this comment) I always flub on the peak vs. peek spellings. I have to mentally recall "peek-a-boo" just to spell it correctly!

I think I've had ONE semi-nasty comment in the 2+ years I've been blogging, and it was in retaliation for a book review I wrote. My thought is, if I don't have the guts to comment on a disagreeable post using my real identity, I will just leave and probably never come back. If I disagree with something a blog friend has written (which rarely happens), I'll just hold my tongue. Who am I, anyway, to think that my opinion is better than another's?

Oh, and I would NEVER have the audacity to ask for a donation for pointing out a typo. As soon as I do that, someone is sure to point out the numerous flaws on my own blog!

Hi Michelle~Thanks for the great post! I have gotten a few unkind comments in the 2 1/2 years I've been blogging, but nothing too bad. I just delete and go on. One of them the person was trying so hard to be rude, but it just made me LAUGH. It was so pathetically stupid.

There was one post which I ended up taking down entirely. It was an "issue" post and I really didn't expect to get such flack from it (and the worst comments were from my own relatives. LOL). I just don't like to cause controversy! There are enough bloggers out there stirring up controversy, I don't want to add to the pot. But then, that's just me. :-)

This is a great post with a lot of wisdom. Usually in any venue where I am tempted to react to something I perceived as negative, it is better to wait. I've caused offense and made things worse by reacting while still in indignation or anger over something. I started to say "in real life," But I think that's part of the problem -- somehow some people tend to forget that there is a real person behind posts or comments or YouTube videos (some of the worst ever comments are on You Tube!!)

I have to say the thought of expecting grateful payment for pointing out typos is rather odd. I almost wonder if that was suggested to that commenter in jest or sarcasm. Pointing out typos in a helpful, friendly way is one thing -- expecting payment is something else. That's better reserved for official editing.

So far I don't think I have ever received a nasty comment that wasn't obviously spam, unless I am just forgetting it. The closest was when one author seemed a little offended that I said her characters were "over the top" in a book review, but she defended them nicely. I have run into that kind of thing on forums, though, even (and especially) Christian forums. It's a struggle -- you want to defend yourself and the point you were making, and sometimes that is needed and helpful, but with some people it only makes it worse and it is best to just ignore them. It's always better to wait until the "heat" has cooled, though.

As always, articulate and thoughtful, and your flowchart is extremely useful.

I think that intelligent disagreement can be great in comments. (Your post on saving for college educations is a good example -- lots of very interesting ideas there, I thought, all in the collaborative spirit of having a discussion rather than simply trying to slam each other. I kept coming back just to see what others had written because the discussion was so good.) I think that when readers feel comfortable enough to disagree respectfully, great conversations can ensue. That is a mark of the real community a blogger has created. The haters, though, who come in and comment as "Anon" -- I wouldn't have any problem with deleting them if they showed up at my place.

Michelle, I've enjoyed your blog for a couple of weeks (or so) now. Kudos for keeping your cool and giving good advice for those of us new to blogging activity.

I should call my Aunt in Anchorage to ask--since I'm horribly unfamiliar with my Alaskan cousins--but I'm wondering if you happen to have any Easton ancestors in your family on your mother's side. As I think about it, both of my aunts who've lived in Alaska since I was about 3 probably don't match up with all the info you've related concerning your parents/siblings. Anyway, we seem to have the same Church affiliation, which is great!

But, your picture really reminds me so much of one of my Alaskan aunts, I had to ask. BTW, Easton is my maiden name.

Excellent post! I've been lucky enough to have had only a handful of negative comments on my blog. I deleted them because they were intensely personal and mean - toward me or another commenter. To be proactive, I implemented a comment policy. I don't know how much this helped, but it made me feel a little better.

(And your words are wise. I truly think most of the things we get worked up about in modern society -- whether they be blog-related or in real life -- aren't worth the energy. Just walk away and move on. Your time is more valuable than that.)

I have a question, (you asked, right?). In one of your past reader's panel posts "Focusing your Blog," you were "pretty specific" about what you know about your audience. Other than comments and Google Analytics (or something else) how have you learned so much about your readers?

FABULOUS POST MICHELLE! I have been lucky to not have encountered too many comments that have made me want to "strike" back! But as in life, I subscribe to WAIT 24 hours before striking back...By then you usually have calmed down! ;-)

I had to laugh at the typo email. And to ask for money! Oh I will never stopped being shocked at what people do!

Recently Rita at Surrender Dorothy got a malicious comment, and I loved the way she handled it -- she followed up with her own comment basically saying (I paraphrase) "that was wrong and hurtful and I'm only letting it stand because later you might be ashamed of it."

Seriously though, it really helps to take a break, feed your blood sugar, do something that makes you remember you are human too, and then respond if you still feel like it is needed. 90% of the time I find that a response will do nothing to change a person's perspective and so it is best just to walk away from it.

Wow! Great post with great ideas. I had a nasty comment once that really bothered me and I deleted it. I always wondered if I shoud have left it. As you said, it was left anonymously, which bothered me all the more. Thanks for the tips!

hmm I probably shouldn't type this but I have yet to have a negative comment. I guess I am not being controversial enough. Although I really do try to think of my readers when I blog. Most of the time.

And the proof reader .. WOW I would have been so annoyed! I think you were justified in your feelings, how you presented them that is your call but WOW!

hmm I probably shouldn't type this but I have yet to have a negative comment. I guess I am not being controversial enough. Although I really do try to think of my readers when I blog. Most of the time.

And the proof reader .. WOW I would have been so annoyed! I think you were justified in your feelings, how you presented them that is your call but WOW!

Leslie-a comment policy is a widely-recommended thing to have. I'd suggest checking in with Jordan at Mamablogga to see what she's done, seems like she's written about that subject. I know Problogger has.

If I write about something controversial and someone disagrees with me, that's fine. But if someone says something like, "You're stupid and I hope you die," they get deleted. If someone is hateful and nasty, their comment goes bye bye.

I also delete spam comments. I wrote about TV Turnoff Week on Saturday and someone left me a comment like, "Great post, good job, I find stuff like this so confusing, so I run my computer through (this site)." What's that got to do with TV Turnoff Week? So I deleted it.

I think Blogger needs to get rid of the Anonymous option. Especially since it's hard to take anyone who can't bother to leave their name seriously.

What great advice - I have to agree, having responed right away and not waiting 24 hours, I came to regret it. I thinking "not responding" is the best advice ever! Look forward to meeting you in person at BlogHer - I will be there. You did a blog giveaway with my products in the begining of the year.

I gotta admit, I agree with you. I started blogging first on Yahoo 360º. I quickly realized that people can be vicious for no reason except for the fact that they can be. Depending on the content of the comment, and what sparked it's ugliness usually I'll just leave the comment behind. But when it comes down to really ugly ones I'll delete them quick, fast, and in a hurry. There's enough ugliness in this world without my blog being a contributor to it, be it directly or indirectly.

Love your blog... I stole your chocolate crinkle recipe for another page of mines, I hope you don't mind. People on my page seem to think you have to do the powdered sugar thing too lol. Guess I'll have to try it.

I LOVE that flow chart! I can't believe you created that. What a talented person you are.I've been lucky enough not to have attracted any really snide comments at my blog (so far), although IRL I did have to take a post down that offended someone. That's the dangers of cross-cultural blogging though. I do often get a kick out of someone else's nasty comments. You're right--I don't take the side of the nasty one, but of the blogger whose blog I'm reading. The nasty one doesn't usually come off well, except in the rare case where someone posted a gentle rebuke and another commenter got angry and then got nasty. I found your advice very balanced and thoughtful.

What a great post! Thanks for the tips. My question is about blog etiquette. If I want to copy something you (or anyone else) wrote and put it on my own blog, what is the best way to do that? Do I need to ask permission, or is linking it and giving credit for the work all that is necessary?

I hate it when nasty anonymos leave comments. But, what I've noticed, is that the blogger's regular commenters typically take care of the offensive commenter in short order and with a lot of gusto. I just like to write: "I Mary J. Blige you. Which is to say: We don't need no haters."

I think that the young woman who wishes for donations for editing should be employed by my Grandma who loves to call me to inform me of my editing mishaps which are daily and grotesque.

A blog belongs to the writer. if you don't like it don't visit it again. And if I don't like a comment, i would delete it....its my blog and i can!!! p.s. i really enjoy yours even though I am mother to a grown son!

In the time I've spent in forums I sometimes enjoy engaging the typo-finders, trying to stir their pots just a bit, because it's usually easy enough to get them riled to the point of *gasp* typos. And at that point, of course, I win.

Maybe not so adult, but I like marching in family room parades with my kids, too.

Thanks for posting this. I just linked back to you as I experienced a bad moment myself. But not from someone leaving a comment, but rather my comment really ticking someone off when I did not mean it too. I apologized but I'm not sure it did any good and the experience left me feeling a bit more shell shocked than I thought it would.

ok, my dear friend would do something like that. she gets so iritated when she sees a printed mistake, but i love her anyway. she does many odd things to correct others, i just shake my head at her. i however, believe it is rude to point out anothers mistakes, but if it happened, i would say something to the affect (or is that effect), yeah, that's something that i'm sure i may be doing often, or i wouldn't bother anyway. you know, we all know, people who sit around and pick on others are unhappy and it makes them feel better than others for some reason to point out our mistakes... if you had to worry about every little thing on your blog, you wouldn't get much done and there would go my entertainment. i remember my 12th grade english teacher hated my writings....very very long sentences. and i remember thinking at that time, one should be able to write as they please, it is their emotion. since then i have had published poems as well as creating my "own word", in a national magazine interview... so hats off to the creative who don't sit around and nit pick (or knit pik) others...

Very very thoughtful blog on how to deal with net bullies / virtual trolls. In fact, I never seen such fabulous algorithm to handle situation. Also I agree and usually practice not to react to any negative comments. But once in while the urge comes up so drastically, during those times, I just right my reply in gmail docs. Let it stay there for hour or so. Then re-visit the comment and almost 99.999 % I delete those comments. :D)

I am 100% on board with your take on this. I have gotten a few negative comments, but have ignored them. To respond to just negativity seems to fan the flames, which is what the commenter is probably looking for anyway. Right? Right.

On a sidenote, I do not mind comments that disagree with me, as long as the comment is somewhat thoughtful. Sadly, folks are too afraid these days to disagree for fear of being labeled troll. Nobody learns much Groupthink.

Laughing but gasping when I got to the bottom about the typo incident. I pointed a typo out to you before but I didn't ask for anything. I did it because I know what a tight ship you run around here and I know you appreciate it if done in a helpful, constructive way, right?lol My goodness that flow chart just proves my point. You are organized with a capital *O*.I agree it's wasted effort to try and change or convince someone but I will gladly say what I need to say, if necessary, politeley. As you stated, some comments really aren't even worth responding to. I've been fortunate to not experience any. I have disagreed with a friend blogger but we did so in a mature way and we didn't resort to any name calling. We had a public discussion and it was good.You took a topic and made it fun to read about. I like how you do that and I wish I could meet you in San Fran. That's going to be a great time.

M -- loved this post. great points. when i first started reading this post, my first thought was of when our church burned up and i remember a couple of those awful comments ... and then you mentioned them in this post.

i like you idea of deleting a bad comment, nipping it in the bud.

i have deleted a couple comments on my blog that weren't very cool, but that has rarely happened. by far, people who come by and add their two-cents are pretty kind.

I get lots of negative mail and sometimes it messes with my mental and emotional well-being. I'm not a typical mommy blogger in that I don't talk about my kids as much as politics or media so maybe I just get more criticism.

You would not believe the hate-mail I received from the mean mommies who hate Kate Gosselin. No kidding over 2,000 comments. I really related when Dooce admitted she sought professional help to deal with criticism. Right or wrong I published all of them unless they were outright profanity.

Thanks for this, I've struggled with learning how to deal with it in an emotionally detached way.

I have copied your matrix for applying questionable comments and determinining if one should keep them or delete them. So far I have no received any questionable comments but guess its only a matter of time before someone takes incense with my sarcastic remarks, ---at this point of developement of my blog---would LOVE to get comments (other than from my faithful family and friends. Any idea on how I can incourage that?

To encourage comments your readers have to feel comfortable, sometimes that takes a few visits--more than a few--to feel comfortable saying something.

Some never do and that's fine also.

The posts of mine that get the most comments are usually the more thought-provoking commentaries on parenting or blogging (such as this post). Also, anything about movies and tv and music is popular for discussion because almost everyone has a favorite.

I find I really need to take a breather before answering because I have often left what I thought was a nice or funny comment and it brought some anger in response. I try to give some grace for just stating things wrongly. We can't hear tone of voice or inflections in typing.

couldnt agree more with lis garrett. i have the same feeling when i really want to write a nasty comment. if i read something utter nonsense then also i try to find the new things that author is trying to teach me! if i still fell its not worth, i just leave it like that and dont prefer to comment

JWP-------------There are a lot of sites out there showing book video. BookVideoTV, BookTelevision and of course CSPAN, but I like how BN.com and Reader's Entertainment TV have specific genre channels and original shows. There's just more to see and I can be specific in what genre I'm interested in. Anyone else watch online tv? Reader's Entertainment

Well put. I think people don't realize how they come over in writing. The big mistake is thinking that written word is like conversation. In conversation, you can nest all sorts of non-verbals into the message, which can make a negative message come over much easier. I see people forgetting this when they write something negative. You really need to couch things in writing. Try the above suggestion. Say something nice first.. Then get into your issue... Create Blogs