Gargantua and Pantagruel, by Francois Rabelais

Chapter 25

How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of
Gargantua’s country, whereupon were waged great wars.

At that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest, when the country
shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lerne
happened to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve horses loaded with cakes, the said
shepherds courteously entreated them to give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market. For here
it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the
frail clusters, the great red grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, for those that are costive in
their belly, because it will make them gush out, and squirt the length of a hunter’s staff, like the very tap of a
barrel; and oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves, whereupon they are
commonly called the vintage thinkers. The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to their request; but,
which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, called them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled
bittors, mangy rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce fellows,
slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts, cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets,
drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy
sneaksbies, fondling fops, base loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks, blockish
grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers,
lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons,
turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to eat
of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great
brown household loaf. To which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, an honest fellow of his person and a
notable springal, made answer very calmly thus: How long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud?
Indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us have any for our money? This is not
the part of good neighbours, neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you make
your cakes and buns. Besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you
may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and
therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, sir, thou
art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymong. Come hither, sirrah,
come hither, I will give thee some cakes. Whereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and
drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes. But, instead
of cakes, he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the marks of the whipcord knots were
apparent in them, then would have fled away; but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O, murder, murder, help, help,
help! and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the
coronal joint of his head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down
from his mare more like a dead than living man. Meanwhile the farmers and country swains, that were watching their
walnuts near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, and laid such load on these
cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the
lamentable shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and throwing great stones at them, as
thick as if it had been hail. At last they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their cakes.
Nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets
full of mulberries. Then did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most shrewdly wounded, and
forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and
boisterously the cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of Seville and Sinays. This done, the shepherds and shepherdesses
made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe,
scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day met with a mischief for want of crossing
themselves with a good hand in the morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier’s leg some fair great red medicinal
grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was quickly cured.