October 20, 2005

too much, too young!

1) being a contestant on rockwiz
2) being on chrissie amphlett's team
3) having said BONA FIDE OZ ROCK LEGEND PRETEND TO FELLATE ME ON NATIONAL TV!!!

it began as these things often do - with a broadly extended invite from a total stranger (via her blog) to join a larger group intending to be among the audience for the taping of said show. i had no expectations other than to meet some people; put faces to words and all that. i had no anticipation of actually winning/blagging my way onto the show.

don't get me wrong - i totally rate my skillz with zee rock knowledge, totally - but had no idea of the calibre of persons i would be meeting up with - (the very excellent fluffy, m!key, southside elaine and the inimtable ladycracker herself). who have all written about the auspicious build-up to my fifteen minutes.

i have to say this: there were little whispers going 'round that the second episode taped each night usually features the bigger 'names' - could've really given a shit, as i was there more to see what the level of rock braininess actually was and socialise. no, honestly.

but then chrissie amphlett walked out onto the stage.

fuckin' CHRISSIE FROM THE DIVINYLS! people, if you're old enough, you KNOW what she represents; if anyone reading this (surely, not) is too young to get it, shirley manson learnt every single rock move and look she knows from *this* woman.

shit, i remember wagging school to learn how to frickin' PLAY the guitar in the late 80s and ham-fisting my way through a TON of metal and hard-rock in the early 90s. by then, the divinyls' dash was nearly done (save epic pop single Ain't Gonna Eat Out My Heart Anymore from Buffy The Vampire Slayer - the movie. heh, that film's original tagline - hung on kristy swanson rather than sarah michelle gellar - could've been Chrissie's real life bio: Pert. Wholesome. Way lethal. fuckin' A ...).

but i grew up in the 80s; i remember every pout, every torn stocking, every hiked up mini, every banshee scream this chick released in that decade. it's not that they were a direct influence on me and my musical trajectory, or even that i was a big fan back in the day, because i wasn't really. but she was iconic - Australian, feisty and rockin' as fuck, and just evocative and symbolic of all that was surly, spitting, aggressive rock and roll in this country in a decade of over-polished and slickly packaged music. to a sheltered suburban kid, she was as exotic and dangerous as any poison.

i had no idea she was so tiny.

and still *hot*, even though she's nearly old enough to be my frickin' mother.

i was in awe for most of the set, even though this legend SQUEEZED MY THIGH UNDER THE TABLE NEARLY EVERY TIME I GOT A QUESTION RIGHT!

but the highlight?

um, well, we'd hit a soft spot after the Living End's Chris Cheney cut loose on the other panel and we'd fallen well behind. Chrissie nailed her 'special topic' of the Stones, but seemed to be at a loss about more contemporary stuff. obviously i didn't give a shit about the score, i was sitting next to CHRISTINA AMPHLETT, PERFECT ROCK CHICK BITCH GODDESS!!!, but i was keen not to come off as a dick; if we were gonna lose, it wasn't gonna be by a huge amount. i decided to throw awe aside and started buzzing in on everything at the end.

after a particularly purple patch where i nailed about four or five in a quick row, the undisputed queen of oz rock - after already kissing me on the cheek; more than enough for me - suddenly DROPPED BELOW THE PANEL AND PRETENDED TO GIVE ME A FREAKIN' BLOWJOB!!!!

it should suffice to say it was totally worth losing to be at the centre of the funniest, best moment of the whole night.

ps. okay, wait - and i'm totally not making this up - before the show, they do a little five-minute piece de camera thing to introduce each contestant. with utterly *NO* knowledge of who was going to be on the panel with me, i answered Brian Nankervis' question thus:

BN: " So tell me, reuben, what IS music to you?"
RA: [with four beers worth of both pretentiousness and sincerity]
"Look, I don't want to trivialise peoples beliefs, but music's almost like religion for me. It's another form of spirituality; it's how i touch the DIVINE."

nothing to report on many other fronts; heart still sore, job sitch is blah, EPL team still playing like cack ... - all reasons to bask.

i'm lovin' yr (and most of the other concrete.org kids') work, but life is in floatation mode for me @ the minute ... will be more enthused soon, promise. dusting off the lenses for forthcoming gigs ...