Coaches Gone Wild!

When He Went Wild: A boner with a headset and a seven-figure salary. Hired/seduced a 25-year-old. Texted with another lady, who modeled for Fast Sexy Magazine. That said, dude has a cool Harley.

Result: Got fired.

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Rick Pitino

Head Coach, University of Louisville Cardinals

When He Went Wild: Engaged in fifteen seconds* of rutting with a lucky MILF at a Louisville restaurant. After a pregnancy claim and frivolous rape accusations, she ended up in prison for extortion.

(*This is true.)

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Human Monsters

Gregg Williams

Former Defensive Coordinator, New Orleans Saints

When He Went Wild: Offered cash bonuses—to guys already making a shitload of money—to "affect the head" and "kill the head." Which is to say, to cause enough neurological injuries in their opponents to knock them out of games.

Result: Suspended indefinitely.

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Bill Belichick

Head Coach, New England Patriots

When He Went Wild: Actually, we could put this scowling, blond-TV-host-wooing, illegallyvideotaping- his-opponents control freak and future Hall of Famer in most categories on this list.

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Passive Aggressors

Joe Paterno

Former Head Coach, Penn State Nittany Lions

When He Went Wild: He did his part, okay? His job was to report it to his superiors, okay? He didn't really have as much power as everyone believes, okay? It was the redhead's fault, okay?

Result: Fired and now he's dead. This one is just really sad.

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Isiah Thomas

Former Head Coach, New York Knicks; Former Head Coach, Florida International University Panthers

When He Went Wild: Contributed to a Knicks culture that the Secret Service would consider grope-y and backward, while losing almost 70 percent of his games.

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"I" in "Team"-ers

John Calipari

Head Coach, University of Kentucky Wildcats

When He Went Wild: Has coached three teams to the Final Four.

Result: Sure, the first two times he got there, the results were vacated because of rules violations. Doesn't matter, because he won with Kentucky! Suck on that, Kansas!

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Bobby Valentine

Manager, Boston Red Sox

When He Went Wild: Loves to cast doubts about the talent/physical and emotional preparedness of his own roster/all of Western civilization. With a smirk. To any news outlet large or small.

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Morally Blind Guys

Sean Payton

Head Coach, New Orleans Saints

When He Went Wild: How could he have known that Gregg Williams was paying bonuses for taking out guys on other teams? For three seasons? He's head coach, not some kind of ninja mind reader. Sheesh.

Result: Suspended without pay for the whole 2012 season.

Photo: Getty Images

Jim Tressel

Former Head Coach, Ohio State Buckeyes

When He Went Wild: As his failure to report OSU's "memorabilia for tattoos" scandal proves, you can't trust every godly man in a sweater-vest. Even Rick Santorum knows that.

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Bloviators

Ozzie Guillén

Manager, Miami Marlins

When He Went Wild: Imagine a fire hose that sprays heavily pressurized Spanglish verbiage instead of water and starts massive fires instead of putting them out, and you've got something like Ozzie. Will espouse love for Fidel Castro and Hugo Chávez on the record. Will tell a reporter, "I drink a lot, bro." Will challenge others' sexuality. Loudly.

Result: Suspended five games.

Photo: Getty Images

Rex Ryan

Head Coach, New York Jets

When He Went Wild: This big, animated stuffed bear makes a lot of crazy-ass promises his team can't keep.