Today is the big day because it’s “Best Picture” Day. I’m just gonna come out with it; I think 12 Years A Slave will take home this award. Did you see it? Are you white? Did it make you feel embarrassed to be white? I hope so! I totally like being white….until I watch a slave movie, then I suddenly feel guilty by association.

It was pretty rough to sit through, especially since it’s based on a true story, but then again, I can’t say any slave movie has ever been easy to sit through. What we have done to each other as humans throughout history is so disturbing and disgusting, that I think we should just move on to the other movies….hope I didn’t bring you down. Happy Friday, remember?

1. What is your Oscar Prediction for “Best Picture”?

American Hustle

(liked it, but not Best Picture)

Captain Phillips

(this was a nail-biter) 🙂

12 Years A Slave

(you’ll only need to see this once)

Dallas Buyers Club

(good but sad too)

Her

(didn’t see it, but I heard it’s great)

Gravity

(I’ll wait for DVD)

Nebraska

(On my Netflix list)

Philomena

(I have no idea what this is even about)

The Wolf of Wall Street

(Liked it A LOT)

Can I just say that comedies hardly every get nominated for awards and that sucks because when you think about it, comedies makes us feel so much better than these intense dramas. Think about it; what would make you feel better, Anchorman 2 or 12 Years a Slave? There’s Something About Mary or Schindler’s List? Dumb and Dumber or A Requiem for a Dream? Just sayin’……

2. If someone wrote a movie about you called “12 Years a _____”, what would the blank say?

The Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)

First, I want to thank you all for entertaining me with your comments and predictions. According to your comments, the Best Actor is up for grabs, along with Best Supporting Actor and Actress. I think it’s going to be a good show this year, at least it better be, because every year I get so excited, a little drunk, and then it’s boring! The red carpet arrivals are my favorite part because it gives you enough time to really judge everyone properly, the clothes, the hair, and listen to the interviewers ask the celebrities stupid questions.

Today’s category is for Best Original Screenplay. This category is important because it is the movie writer’s idea and the movie writer’s story, as opposed to Adapted Screenplay, where they get the story from a book or somewhere. That also takes great writing talent, but I like this category better. And most importantly, any good movie starts with good writing. So here we go…..

1.Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Original Screenplay?

American Hustle – Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell

Blue Jasmine – Woody Allen

Dallas Buyers Club – Craig Borten and Melisa Wallick

Her – Spike Jonze

Nebraska – Bob Nelson

My 2 cents: American Hustle was good, but I didn’t think the story was all that compelling. I always love Woody Allen’s writing but I liked Midnight in Paris better, so I don’t think he’ll win for this one. Dallas Buyers Club is a definite contender in my opinion. I didn’t see Her, although I want to and I usually like Spike Jonze, so if this wins, I’m okay with that. And I didn’t see Nebraska, so I don’t have an opinion on this one.

I’ll tell you what I do have an opinion on; BEST ORIGINAL SONG!

If Pharrell Williams doesn’t win for the song “Happy”, I’m not going to be happy! If you haven’t heard it….

YOU’RE WELCOME!

The Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)

So far, it looks fairly unanimous that Cate Blanchett will walk away with the Oscar for Best Actress. But will the Oscar prediction for Best Actor be just as unanimous? Well, we will see….

1. Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Actor?

Christian Bale – American Hustle

Bruce Dern – Nebraska

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Wolf of Wall Street

Chiwetel Ejiofor – 12 Years A Slave

Matthew McConaughey – Dallas Buyers Club

2. Matthew McConaughey reportedly lost about 45 pounds over the course of four months for Dallas Buyers Club. I would think getting paid millions of dollars (or whatever he got), and the chance of winning an Oscar, would be good motivation for losing weight. How much weight do you think you could lose if you ate nothing but $100 dollar bills for 4 months?

My 2 cents: I saw all of these performances except Bruce Dern in Nebraska and I think this is going to be a tight race, which is good because last year it was a total runaway with Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln, so no one else had a chance. But this year, there is a bit of competition. I thought Leonardo DiCaprio was great in The Wolf of Wall Street, and he has a good shot since he won a Golden Globe. Then there is McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club, and, by the way, when did he learn how to act? He was excellent and lost all that weight, etc., so I was very impressed and he usually doesn’t impress me. Christian Bale was really good in American Hustle, but he won’t win, so let’s move on. Chiwetel Ejiofor also was amazing in 12 Years A Slave but I think that is going to get some other awards, and Bruce Dern also has a good chance because he won Best Actor at the Cannes Film Festival, so….this will be a good one! Yay! However, I think McConaughey is favored to win. And if he does, he better not make some douchey speech!

I saw all of these performances and although I would like to see Michael Fassbender win because I have a big crush on him, Jared Leto was surprisingly great as a tranny in Dallas Buyers Club, so I’m going with him for the win!

I guess I should’ve done Best Supporting Actress on yesterday’s post, but oh well, it’s too late now. I think Jennifer Lawrence or Julia Roberts will win, but just for shits and giggles, feel free to put your 2 cents in.

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)

I see that “Gravity” and “12 Years a Slave” are the front-runners for Best Director according to your comments. I’ll add my 2 cents; I think Alfonso Cuaron will win Best Director for Gravity, but only because it won the Golden Globe. I didn’t see the movie, so I have no idea what the direction is like. I love David O. Russell and Martin Scorcese as directors, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen for them this year. Oh well, on to Best Actress….

1. Who is your Oscar prediction for Best Actress?

Amy Adams – American Hustle

Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine

Sandra Bullock – Gravity

Judi Dench – Philomena

Meryl Streep – August: Osage County

By the way, I will tell you that I saw three of these performances; Amy Adams, Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep…and I think it’s going to be between Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep. From the commercials, it looks like Sandra Bullock does a good job of being scared in space, I have no idea about Judi Dench in Philomena, and Amy Adams was decent enough in American Hustle, but the other two were just outstanding performances. Meryl Streep is amazing every time and Cate Blanchett is truly great in Blue Jasmine, so we’ll see. I do think they should give Meryl Streep a permanent award of some kind.

2. Amy Adams showed a lot of boob in American Hustle (not nipple, just boob), and although it had an “R” rating, it wasn’t because of her boobs (it was for language and some violence). However, showing the areola/nipple combo constitutes an “R” rating. Why is that?

The Rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)

With the Oscars this coming Sunday, Hollywood is all abuzz with excitement and road blocks! My entire purpose in life for the next week will be trying to avoid Hollywood Boulevard since they are setting up for the show and bringing all of their A-list, self-absorbed, money-making, inconvenience with them. But let’s face it, this is what Oscar night is all about; receiving awards for being over-paid and pretty. Is it wrong to win an award for that? If so, I don’t want to be right.

If this is your first time participating in the contest, just read the rules and answer the questions below.

Here are the rules:

Each day there will be two Oscar-related questions. Post your answers in the comment section. Each comment is an entry into the giveaway. At the end of the week a winner will be chosen at random. The contest will conclude on Saturday 3/1. You get extra entries for posting Death to Hollywood on Facebook or Twitter, and “liking” the Death to Hollywood page on Facebook. The prize is always a surprise and Hollywood/Oscar related.

1. You have to be at least 18 years old to enter (that’s for legal reasons)

2. You have to live in the United States because I don’t ship internationally, sorry.

3. You have to answer two Oscar related questions as a comment on the blog.

4. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen any of the nominated movies or if you get the questions right.

5. No purchase necessary (not that there’s anything to buy… legally I have to say it)

Did you think I was dead? I completely understand if you did since I haven’t written anything since August…and to think I left you with nothing but anal beads and rosaries.

So much has happened since we last had contact. Colorado legalized weed, my sister moved to LA and I bought a wetsuit. For surfing you ask? Ummmm….me on a surfboard would be deadly. I got one to swim in the icy cold waters of my apartment building pool. Is that weird? Maybe. Would flippers and goggles be going to far? Anyway, swimming in freezing cold water is wildly invigorating! But I did order a little swim hat, which should really complete the “outfit” and when people in the building ask me what’s going on, I will let them know that I am training for the summer Olympics….I mean the senior Olympics. Whatever. Stop judging my swim hat.

I also have learned the difference between “self-evolved” and “selfie-volved” ….I’m sure you have too.

Kris and me on the “red carpet” for the Golden Globes

Anyway, this is just a preparation post for the 3rd annual Death to Hollywood Oscar contest! The show is next Sunday (in case you don’t live in LA where it dominates the news along with the weather when there is any trickle of rain). I will start the contest on Monday, and I have seen a lot of the movies this year so I’m excited for the show because there are some really good movies/performances this year. And Ellen is hosting, and she’s always fun. At least the host isn’t lame like last year (if you remember).

Okay, well I have to go to a timeshare viewing, so I have to go now. No, I’m not buying a timeshare but I’m getting a free trip to Vegas because of it, so….

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been very busy with work related ambitions. And speaking of those, I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but a few years ago, for a short time, I sold sex toys to make extra money. Don’t judge. How people get their pleasure is none of my business and if I can contribute to other people’s pleasure, whether it be by selling them candy or selling them a sex toy, then that’s a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned.

Actually, it was fun. I would do home parties, similar to Tupperware parties, but the plastic was in the shape of a penis instead of a container. I sold a lot of different products from your standard type of “toys” to specialty items, like anal beads. Oh yeah, that’s right, anal beads. Did your ears just perk up? Did someone say anal beads? You know you want some!

I’m not really sure why anyone would want anal beads, but hey, who am I to judge how you have your fun?

My parents knew that I sold the toys and also knew that I would sometimes make jokes about it on stage. After I started doing stand-up, sometimes my dad would call me and tell me jokes he thought of and I would try them onstage. His jokes always got laughs. Well, one day he called me to tell me a joke regarding the sex toys and he said, “When it comes to ordering anal beads, the Catholics always go for the anal rosary beads.” Well, I thought that was hilarious, so I wrote it on a post-it as I often write many of my ideas for jokes or sketches, etc.

So, the other day I was cleaning because the eldest sister gets into town on Wednesday and she will be sure to judge, as we all do each other’s houses when it comes to cleanliness. My mother taught us that. I was going through papers and piles of post-its and found some joke ideas, one of them being a post-it that said, “anal rosary beads.” I immediately thought of an incident where that exact post-it offered a very awkward and yet funny experience.

I was doing stand-up at a place on Hollywood Boulevard and a guy that worked there would always flirt with me, so naturally I flirted back, but didn’t want to go out with him because of his clown hair. He had a nice face but his hair was really curly and cut in such a way that it very much resembled a clown and I couldn’t get past it. So I would just flirt. Jump to a few months later and he cut off his clown hair!! I was very happy about this. Now he looked great!

By the way, he didn’t know about the sex toys I was selling…yet.

One night I told him he could come over and we were hanging out, talking, having cocktails, etc., and then his phone rang. He said he had to take the call. We were sitting on the couch and he stood up to answer the phone and then sat down at the kitchen table. He was speaking in Arabic by the way. He was from Egypt I think. He wasn’t your typical swarthy Arab though. Does that sound racist?

Anyway, I was sitting on the couch sipping wine, got up to go in the kitchen and as I passed him he grabbed my arm, still speaking Arabic to someone on the phone, and pointed to the post-it on the table that said “anal rosary beads,” that I had forgotten was even on the table. The look on his face would best be described as horror. I started to laugh which made him even more horrified, and at the same time, I was trying to tell him, as he continued his aggressive Arabic conversation, “It’s not what you think!” He was shaking his head at me in disgust and pointing at the note, all the while, still speaking in Arabic. I finally just rolled my eyes and walked away and waited until he got done with his aggressive, native language, loud conversation so I could explain myself.

Well, if he didn’t already think I was a freak, once I told him I sold sex toys, he thought he hit the sex-freak jack pot. It didn’t matter that I was a comedian and the post-it was a joke from my dad, which actually sounds a little weird to explain that your dad told you that joke, but still…it’s a joke and it’s funny! He thought I was being disrespectful to religion or something and you all know how seriously I take religion. Religion is one of the best things to make jokes about, not just because it’s stupid, but especially because it makes everyone go berserk.

I have anal rosary beads

Needless to say, I didn’t really hit it off with the Arab. We got into an argument over religion and I told him to leave because the way I see it is; you’re entitled to your beliefs, so judge my anal rosary beads. I’ll pray the way I want.