The author is a Forbes contributor. The opinions expressed are those of the writer.

Loading ...

Loading ...

This story appears in the {{article.article.magazine.pretty_date}} issue of {{article.article.magazine.pubName}}. Subscribe

* Disclosure: I name two clients/colleagues in this post: Susan Cain, author and Alicia Clark, PsyD, PLLC.

I’m getting a bit tired of headlines about women leaders and whether or not they are as good or as capable of men. Earlier this month, The Atlantic wrote a piece titled, “Are People Becoming More Open to Women Leaders?” and it made me pause. Really, we’re still having this conversation?

Yet, I can’t help but think that the controversy of women in leadership lies mostly in the hands of women themselves. Over and over again, I meet professional, successful women who ultimately talk about their lack of self-confidence. Men may treat us as though we’re incapable because we act incapable – even if we don't’ realize it. Not every woman, of course, but in my 20+-year career, it’s been the case with the majority of women I meet.

Even Sheryl Sandberg wrote about seeing plenty of women with confidence issues in her book, “Lean In,” citing that often it simply came down to lack of confidence that they deserved certain things. Men ask for what they want and believe they deserve, yet women tend not to. So when someone so successful admits she’s struggled with confidence in the workplace, it’s my guess that most women have. What, therefore, can we do to not only build up our confidence, but also exude it even when we aren’t feeling it so much?

I asked my friend and client, Alicia Clark, PsyD, PLLC, a licensed clinical psychologist, her thoughts and she stated, “If we don’t value and respect ourselves, our thoughts, and our time, we can’t expect others to. This simple truth is nowhere more evident that in the workplace where leaders influence as much by what they do as by what they say. Confidence therefore is as critical to feel as it is to project, and this can sometimes be tough, especially if you feel over your head some days. Anxiety can be a confidence killer - that quiet voice that whispers you might not be good enough, that things could turn out badly, that you could be hurt or humiliated. Anxiety's voice often cripples us into inaction, and creates situations where we have to face our fears of inadequacy, and missed opportunities. Confidence and self-esteem are like the "savings account" that protect our "bank accounts" from anxiety’s greedy threat to overtake, or “overdraw" us.

Here are a few tips for building up your own “savings account.”

Exercise. I know it’s hard to find the time and it can be so inconvenient to work it into an already packed schedule, but exercise is scientifically proven to not only make us happier, but to improve our health in body and mind for the long haul. A good workout can make you feel powerful, like you can take on the world. And push yourself – when you overcome personal goals, you feel stronger taking on bigger challenges at work, too.

Wear clothes that fit. I may get some flack for this one, but we all know what it’s like to have multiple different sizes hanging in our closets. We often want to fit into the smaller of those sizes – the ones that fit before having babies, 60-hour workweeks and our creeping age set in. But when you wear clothes that don’t fit well, you subconsciously emit a lack of confidence. Pulling your skirt down or ripping a jacket because it’s too tight is enough to make even the most polished of women look uncomfortable. In addition, a nice fitting suit can make your stature seem bigger, and you to feel more powerful.

Schmooze. Take time to get to know your co-workers, your boss, your customers. The more you push yourself to create deeper relationships, the better these relationships work for you. But it takes time and effort outside of the hustle and bustle of your standard to do list. Hit the links, invite them to lunch or make a point to ensure an onsite visit once a month. In the day and age of e-everything, these face-to-face interactions stand out, and keep your verbal negotiation skills sharp.

Be bossy. I know, I know – this sounds like it goes against Ms. Sandberg’s “Ban Bossy” campaign, but women spend so much time trying to be nice to everyone that they often end up sacrificing themselves, or worse – their jobs. You don’t have to be everyone’s BFF, but you do have to practice taking charge and making decisions. Work isn’t supposed to be a democracy all of the time. There are leaders, and there are followers. Someone has to be in charge of the final decisions. Practice your leadership skills in order to stay ahead.

Don’t work too hard. This might sound contradictory, but without personal down time, we can’t recharge, focus and be happy. When you’re not happy, it’s hard to be successful. Don’t sacrifice your family or friends for your job – it’s crucial to find a balance early on in your career, so you are comfortable setting these boundaries with your boss. In today’s day and age, employees have more flexibility than ever – but it’s up to you take advantage of those opportunities and outline what you are willing – and not willing to do. If you didn’t sign up for 75% travel, but your boss keeps asking you for it, and it’s a hardship on you and your spouse, speak up. Take charge and make it clear that you’ll do the job you were hired to do – and you’ll be amazing at it – but that your personal time is also important – nay, crucial – to you being the best employee possible.

Stop Talking So Much. As my colleague, the ever-brilliant Author and Co-founder of Quiet Revolution, Susan Cain, so eloquently defines it, I am an introvert. This means that I very often sit around Boardrooms doing more listening than talking. At first in my career, this seemed to be a deficit to my success – if I wasn’t talking over everyone else in the room, perhaps I didn’t have any good ideas. (Especially seemed true in a PR agency!) But as I grew more confident, I realized that all my listening helped me to form insight and comments that were truly valuable. So when I did speak up, my ideas were heard – and smart. I didn’t talk just to be heard. I talked when the time was right to entice action. And when you listen to others – you learn more, which makes you smarter in the end than everyone else interrupting each other.

Stop Waiting to Be Rescued. Blame it on the fairy tales, but too many women still expect to be rescued out of their lives – either by becoming married to someone “rich and handsome” or having “karma” take over at work. Stop being wistful and get to work. Hard work is the fastest path to success. And when you work hard, you are proud. And pride exudes confidence.

Stop Comparing Yourself. Stop looking at what everyone else has or does or wears, and focus on what’s right for you. It’s a sure way to unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy if you’re always comparing yourself to someone else – there will always be someone younger, prettier, skinnier, wealthier, better dressed, etc. etc. etc. Focus on you. Know yourself and take pride in who you are.

Don’t Be Afraid To Be Audacious. This is not to be confused with mean, cocky or rude. Audacious means daring, spirited - one who sees what others can’t and goes for it even when not yet understood.

In the end, it all comes down to believing in yourself. Do whatever it takes to do that – whether spiritual practice, taking care of your health, getting a stylist, joining a women’s support group, etc. Do it – take care of you, and the rest will take care of itself. Oh, and lastly – support other women. It’s the best thing we can do to help all women to thrive.