Break Free from Your Relationship Ruts

Let the romance back in by revamping date night, putting an end to the arguing and more

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Love life a little lackluster? With the pressures of work, family and packed agendas, it happens to the best of us. "The problem is that when you slip into a relationship pattern that actually breaks down your power as a couple instead of building it up, you run the risk of permanently disconnecting from your partner," says Laurie Puhn, JD, couples mediator and author of Fight Less, Love More. "Routines are inevitable, but complacency in your relationship is not." So how do you keep a minor relationship cranny from turning into a full-blown chasm? Read on to learn about five common relationship ruts and how the experts say you can mind the gap for a more lively love life.

Rut #1: Same-Old Date Night

Can your last few rendezvous be summed up as: Dinner + Movie + Saturday? Having a designated night out may work for some couples, but I personally loathe the term 'date night,' because eventually anything routine can become stale, says Jessica Denay, author of The Hot Moms Handbook. Don't be afraid to change it up; staying in can be fun and romantic, too. Plan a 'Night in Italy,' and make homemade pizza or pasta together after the kids are in bed, open a bottle of Chianti, serve gelato for dessert and rent The Italian Job or Life Is Beautiful." And dont forget the power of the double date! A recent study from Wayne State University showed that, if your relationship is suffering from the doldrums, having fun with another couple will not only put a spark back into date night, but will also enhance your individual romantic connection. Photo: Shutterstock

Rut #2: Always Arguing About Something

If youre bickering all the time, Puhn suspects that you're waking up in the morning looking to be offended by your mate. Chances are your partner hasn't gotten worse since the first date, but rather you've started to pay more attention to the negatives, she says. When you decide to stop the perpetual arguing, youll have to give up your need to win against your mate, and instead start scoring points for the relationship by avoiding pointless arguments. Instead of looking for things to nitpick, try to notice and compliment the positives in your mate. This doesnt mean giving up your power, letting something fester or never standing up for yourself, but if you remember to simultaneously give your partner positive feedback whenever you have an issue that needs resolving, youll both be less on the defensive. Also, limit the negatives you bring up to those things that directly affect you and are changeable, because if it cant be modified, arguing about it is a waste of energy. Photo: Thinkstock

Rut #3: Sex Has Become Routine

When your sex life is great, it's 10 percent of the relationship. When it's on the rocks, it becomes 90 percent of the relationship. After a few hundred repetitions of your tried-and-true sex routine, it can easily become stale and boring, says Joel D. Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie. And left unattended, that boredom in the bedroom will spill over to the entirety of the relationship. The antidote? Consider a quickie. Occasional spontaneous sexmaybe in a new location or at a different time of dayis just whats needed to bring back the glow of the early days, says Dr. Block. The good thing about a speedy sex session is that it keeps you physically connected to your partner without adding too much time to your already packed schedule. Dr. Block suggests that you actively start looking around your home for fantastic quickie spotsand dont be afraid to mention them to your partner when you find them. Just the mere thought may get you both excited. Photo: Thinkstock

Rut #4: The Kids Always Take Priority

Yes, kids require almost constant attention. But unless you put effort into maintaining your connection with your partner along the way, you may grow apart by the time the youngsters are ready to leave the nest. The day you bring home your first child is the day your relationship with your mate will take a back seat, says Puhn. The chaos, exhaustion and effort required to care for young children leaves little to no time for couple's activitiesunless you're aware of it and make the decision to put your relationship first in small ways every single day. Here's how: When you or your mate walk in the door, greet each other before or at the same time as you greet the children. And make your mate's greeting extra special with a lingering kiss and a hug. This little gesture will remind you both that youre a romantic couple, not just two people going through the routine of raising kids. Creating a designated adult space is essential as well. Declare your bedroom a toy-free zone and keep photos of you as a couple near the bed. It's important to keep your bedroom your sacred space as husband and wife, not mom and dad, says Denay. It's hard to get physical if you have kids in the bedroom or if you are rolling over on action figures. Photo: Miki Duisterhof/Woman's Day

Rut #5: Forgetting to Be Affectionate

Keep your relationship from feeling too platonic by making sure that nonsexual touching is a part of your everyday interaction with your partner, advises Dr. Block. That means a warm hug, an arm around the waist, a shoulder massage or caressing your partners hand. Men especially respond to touch as a conveyance of affection, and it fulfills an intrinsic need for attachment that everyone cravesplus, it doesnt take any additional time out of your day. Also keep in mind that when people feel appreciated they are more likely to extend appreciation in return. As busy as you might be, take a minute or two to leave a sexy note in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, or write a naughty letter and hide it in the book he's reading, suggests Denay. Or create a Love Arsenal for sneak attacks: Fill a box with his favorite candies and romantic cards so that when you want to show him you care you have the goods on hand, says Denay. The romantic quotient is turned up a notch when someone finds something unexpected, and the benefits you'll reap are worth a hundred times the effort. Photo: Thinkstock

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