My Life, My Words, My reality!

July 16, 2012

Honesty….the Unspoken Rule

My life has been pretty intense this past week, apologies for not posting BUT I have some great content for you guys this week!

When you open up to someone and you decide to be vulnerable a lot of fears/insecurities arise. Have I said too much? Am I projecting? Do we want the same thing? Are there time frames that I am applying? Why can’t I just relax?!?

I ‘ve been thinking a lot about my core values and qualities, values and charachteristics my significant other must possess to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship. Besides physical attraction, ‘chemistry’ and mutual interests, honesty was the one characteristic that kept resonating in my mind. Honesty is something we all say we want but many of us don’t know how to be honest with ourselves let alone someone else.

So many unfavorable situations with interesting people characters have led me to this moment right here…

Confiding in my bestie has allowed me to see how hypocritical I was in certain areas of my love life. I would tell her everything that I ever wanted out of a situation or a person but yet I was never truly truthful to her…or myself. My words will say one thing but my actions were counterproductive to everything that I was looking for. Self sabotage at its finest!

After finding myself in casual relationships, ambigious situations and dealing with emotionally unavailable men I realized that there were certain core values that were missing from both parties and honesty was the front runner.

The drivers of casual relationships are terrifed of conflict. Therefore, do not expect them to be open and honest. When you try to get information from them, expect defensiveness, agression, veiled insults, disappearance or passive agressiveness.

If this isn’t the truth than I don’t know what is. This would have saved me so many hours of dealing with questionable behavior if I realized that honesty wasn’t something that I wasn’t afforded and worse, denying myself. When you continously face disappointment with others and yourself, you begin to rethink everything. I started aligning my actions and behaviors to what I truly wanted. If I wanted to be in a serious, committed relationship I had to first start acting in that manner and refusing behavior that was not reflecting that.

Who gives a crap if he was handsome, tall, athletic, smart and a great conversationalist; if he was not honest, lacked respect and integrity, did not know the meaning of loyalty and what it means in a partnership and his core value were not aligned with mine…..well FLUSH.

Wasting my time was something that I was no longer going to put up with in 2012 and I meant it.

This weekend showed me that there are certain behaviors/qualities that you don’t see until you are no longer dealing with someone. It reaffirmed that honesty is not always going to be an option with some.

I use to date this guy and things did not work out for many reasons. Did we have similar interest? Yes. Did I enjoy his company? Yes. Yet, there were so many glaring red flags that I either dismissed for my own selfish reasons or I just didn’t seem to care. This person and I are no longer dating and I no longer look at them in that manner, yet I’m still friendly but that is as far as my interest lies.

Does this person know that?? Umm, I ‘m not sure to be honest; he may know but his ego may think otherwise. My actions haven’t shown that I’m interested in dating him (or I think it hasn’t) but some people have bigger than average egos which still makes them think that the person that they use to hang out with may still like them. If he thinks that…well than that his own perogrative.

Anyway, my weekend plans abruptly changed and I asked this person what they were doing this weekend and to let me if they had anything fun happening. This person agreed and told me that they will keep me in the loop. Unbeknowest to me, this person had plans already. Instead of telling me the truth and letting me know ahead of time that they would not be available they led me to believe that they will keep they word.

I was shocked when I was told the truth AFTER I had already inquired to see if he had any updates for the night. The first emotion was shock and then later frustration. I wasn’t upset or mad that this person had plans but instead of letting me know ahead of time, they led me to believe otherwise by being vague.

Ughh…

It was a quick reminder that these behaviors and characteristics are things that I will not tolerate from ANYONE. If I make it a point to be forward and honest, I expect that same respect back. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why certain situations may make one hesistant at being honest but what the hell do you have to lose? Some people don’t want to lose the casual sex that they get from others, some may not want to lose the ego stroke that one may give them, others don’t want to come across as the ‘bad guy’ but when you avoid honesty you come off as a JERK. Just saying.

Lol.

Another situation where I had to remove myself from a situation is when I was ‘dating’ this guy. Months were going by and things were not progressing actually they were very much stagnent. I was bored and no longer interested. Instead of ending the situation, I began dating other people. Instead of being honest with him and the situation, I let it sit due to my selfish motives.

The one thing that was interesting was that I still insisted on seeing if things were going to progress into a relationship. I was being very much a hypocrite and my words/thoughts were not aligning with my actions. Of course, I asked him where he saw this going and I was met with non-answers, passive behavior and everything that screamed VAGUE and AMBIGIOUS. When a guy wants to be with you, there will be no DOUBT in his mind or yours because his words and actions will be consistent.

Funny thing is, when you’re in the moment you seem to forget some of the basic concepts such as that.

Unfortunately, I knew these things but because I thought there was histoy and justifying my own behavior, I couldn’t let go. Foolish of me to think that all of those things will yield a fruitful relationship that I wanted. I wanted a relationship but after looking at things I wasn’t being honest with myself. I wanted one but now with him. It was a great feeling to know that I had someone around but I didn’t really like being around him in the manner that I truly craved.

Just seeing him and being around him annoyed me. Harsh, yes, but the truth was glaring me in my face and I was making excuses. When I finally removed myself from that situation, I had to face the hard truth that I wasn’t being honest with myself; the ramifications of that proved to be the turning point.

Within a year, I have grown immensely. I have experienced many things that may take many years but I’m glad that I got a crash course in the world of dating.

Not every person you encounter is looking out for you and your well being. TRUST ME…I KNOW!!!

Some may not want to be labeled a bad guy so they will continuously string you along; there will be some who just want to casually dip in and dip out and then there will be others who will never be able to give you want you want. Until you are honest with yourself and YOUR words align with your actions, you will continue to find yourself in relationship purgatory or better yet relationship INSANITY.

Breaking the cycle starts with yourself! When I broke the cycle, a new world of men and situations opened up for me. I decided that if I truly wanted something, I had to be honest, set my boundaries and allow myself to be vulnerable. I’m still a work in progress and things get scary at times and I may over-analyze too much… but that is the risk I’m willing to take.

I’m more cautious but I’m more aware than ever before. My instincts is one thing that I have honed throughout these experiences. She is never wrong at picking up on my fears/insecurities and vice versa. The situation that I’m in right now is something that I treasure and will not be broadcasting for the world to see but it’s something that still gets me anxious from time to time.

It’s only natural…I’m a girl!

Looking back a year ago and seeing where I am now makes me excited… giddy… satisfied… content!

5 thoughts on “Honesty….the Unspoken Rule”

I believe all you have is your word these days, because without it your nothing. In casual relationships Ive always kept it 100. Because anything less would just make the situation breakable at any moment. Ive been the victim where the casual relationship “seemed” like a real relationship in all the makings of it and thats when people get hurt. There are crosswires everywhere in that relationship. The whole”were not together, but act like we are” is not for me. Emotions and the questioning of where do you see this going” is enough to keep ones mind occupied through the whole ride. Ill admit I use to like casual sex and honestly I still wouldn’t mind it but that’s NOT what I need in my life right now. Its time to put those toys away and stand ground. Ive been guilty of having women say they want a relationship but it turns casual..its a gift and a curse for me personally. Awhile ago I had to look back on everything on an incident that had occurred with somoene I was dealing with…I thought I was done with the nonsense from women since my 4 yr relationship but no it still exist today… Little did I know I was dating someone who was engaged the whole time . On top of that, I was completely submissive to them while they were not…they weren’t honest with themselves and insecure…which Ive noticed in quite a few women Ive dated in the past. So all in all, a woman who is honest from the jump whether its casual or serious and SHOWS you that they want to be with you completely in every aspect of the relationship has my vote. In order to receive that you must be honest with yourself and show the same exact thing. If it seems like their is an unbalance in one aspect then likely the whole relationship will be unbalanced. Ripple affect.

I agree and sometimes things are not clear cut as we like them to be. If you are honest with yourself and your intentions than things become a bit clearer. You began to see things that you may have dismissed and it is up to you to address the situation or just end it. Sometimes we wait on others to make the decision for ours when the decision making is in your hands.

A casual relationship is mutually exclusive. Been there done that and it is beyond draining. Yes, there are times when it feels like you are in a relationship and there are times when you try to change the course of the relationship but time truly tells all.

what if you have been in a serious relationship since you were 17 and now your are 23 and all you want is a casual relationship/no relationship but your partner refuses to comply? What if you just need some time to be single and rediscover yourself and what you want to achieve in life. What if you have been with a great guy who wants a full long term relationship but you are just not ready for that level of commitment right now?

Great questions! I was in that position before when I was dating someone throughout college and I needed a break. I needed to find out me and what it meant to be myself. I was losing focus on what made me ME. My advice for you is to step back and not lose focus on who you are. Take a break to re-evaluate yourself, your relationship and other things that are important. This will be a reintroduction into you.

If this person cares for you and loves you, they may not like it but they should respect it. It doesn’t take away what you feel for them but since you have been in relationships in such a time of your life where others are learning about themselves this is a great period for self discovery.

A great relationship is when two people are both on the same page; co-piloting the relationship. When one feels like they no longer want to be in it the relationship will suffer when the other holds on. It is best to acknowledge what is going back and step back to allow that person the space and time they need. Of course, they should be expectations set if the break is for reasons that the person is claiming. If the relationship is continuing on a path that one person no longer wants to be in, they need to speak up but they should also follow up with actions.