Top 10: 'Significant' things the Bruins likely offered Parise

So word on the street, from credible outlets, is that Zach
Parise received a ‘significant offer’ from the Boston
Bruins. Yes, those same B’s that have $277,000 in cap space
and a boatload of key players to sign next summer.

NHL rules allow teams to go 10 percent over the cap during the
summer. Couple that with the fact that the Bruins have multiple
ways to make some wiggle room (putting Marc Savard’s $4 mil
on LTIR, dealing away Tim Thomas’ $5 million hit), and maybe
Peter Chiarelli really did kick the tires on the most sought-after
free agent this offseason.

But then again, let’s say Parise inked a deal with Boston
that was similar to the one he got with the Wild.

That’d put the Bruins up to $50 million for cap space
committed to the 2013-14 season, leaving Chiarelli approximately
$20 million (depending on where the cap goes) to sign – if he
so desires – Milan Lucic, Nathan Horton, Tyler Seguin, Brad
Marchand, Jordan Caron, Andrew Ference, Tuukka Rask and Anton
Khudobin.

Sounds unrealistic, doesn’t it?

So without further ado, I’ll now speculate on what
‘significant’ things Chiarelli likely offered Parise in
hopes of luring him to Boston (other than a salary that he and his
agent found funnier than ‘Slap Shot,’
‘Caddyshack’ and ‘The Hangover’
combined):

10. A lifetime pass to New England’s
largest water park, Water Country, which includes the right to cut
anyone in line for Geronimo whenever he so chooses.

9. “Do you like to yoyo? You should see
the Spoked-B spin when this bad boy’s in action!”

8. Tim Thomas’ abandoned house. Free of
charge!

7. “Ever had a concussion before? Nothing
to worry about! We’ve dealt with, like, a hundred of them in
the last five years!”

6. An exclusive invite to Cam Neely’s
circle on Google Plus.

5. A promise that the Bruins’ locker room
playlist will only feature bands from Minnesota, in hopes of making
him feel more at home. Anyone who complains about Semisonic or Soul
Asylum will be made a healthy scratch.

4. “We can assure you the media will stay
out of your private life… unless you tell them you’re
voting Republican … or get in an argument outside of a bar
and throw your girlfriend’s shoes at her.”

3. A guarantee in writing that Mayor Menino
will never refer to him as ‘Parcheesi’ or talk about
that time he split the uprights.

2. Free rides home from every practice and
game, courtesy of Andrew Ference and his bicycle.