Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, in an attempt to soothe global markets in the midst of a breakdown of uncivil society in Egypt, where strongman Hosni Mubarak is struggling to extend decades of control through iron-fisted use of security forces, scheduled a hasty Washington D.C. press conference at eight thirty EST Friday morning.

“Markets remain attractive, inexpensive, and the only way out,” he said to the assembled reporters. “You can bet the baby oil in my beard that we’ll just acquire that Middle Eastern dry spot if it threatens to take the Dow down more than two hundred points or so. Fuck the reverse repo. I don’t even really know what that means.” He continued, “It’s like that old song … ‘Walk like an Egyptian’. I mean, it’s what we’ve been doing anyway.” In a second, and widely applauded, section of his prepared remarks, Bernanke added, “We’re going to do everything it takes. I mean Everything It Takes. In fact, as of this morning we initiated the Everything It Takes (EIT) program to begin buying hard assets and certain Middle Eastern and Emerging Market countries with a new Federal Reserve Note called the U.S. “Pooney”, which will be linked to the value of produced-out US shale frac proppants, which can, themselves, be wagered on through a secondary exchange created for the EIT program by Goldman Sachs and, their longtime partner, the New York based Goombinacello Family.”

“There just aren’t any votes in quoting Adams Smith,” he told the assembled reporters, referencing a line recently attributed to the President of the United States whose free market credentials have been questioned recently by the cohort of deviant individuals who exceeded 950 on their SATs.

The chairman became unusually expressive at one point in the conference, banging his head twice on the podium before saying, “I’m serious about this. Every now and then helicopters and Hefty bags full of cash simply aren’t enough. Just ask the CIA. We’re going to need to actually take ownership and let Timmy and the President show those 21st century cavemen what democracy looks like.”

In concert with this announcement, and as part of the EIT, the Federal Reserve today also announced the 2 for 1 “Mr. W” bank loan program, in which the Federal Reserve will take down a matching loan for any lending that US banks extend, at the same rate applied to the loan to be matched. The language was inserted in a five hundred page document that otherwise discusses a committee proposal to utilize consumable rice paper in the future composition of US banknotes, but Bernanke also referenced the program in his comments. “I got the idea from a firecracker stand,” he told the assembled press. “You buy one Black Cat, you get one free. Sometime two free. They sell a lot more that way and it’s an attractive model for the US economy.” The chairman added that this sub component of the EIT will be directly managed by, “Whoever Lloyd can spare.”

When asked about a recent comment from Representative Ron Paul accusing The Bernanke of misusing an account dedicated to emergency market operations, Bernanke said, “Look, that PPT thing is really Timmy’s deal. He’s got cover because Paulson kicked it off, so he sort of does what he wants to. Depends on the day, really - and the President’s speaking schedule. I think he’s got twenty or thirty young guys helping him and they’ve all got like eight screens sitting on their desks, so you know they’re sharp.”

Asked about the short, abbreviated pinky salute that some staffers and administration officials have been favoring the Chairman with, he became pensive. “I like it, you know. Look back in history. All the guys who really did stuff sort of came up with their own salute. It’s a helluva lot better than having to say ‘good morning’ with a stiff beard full of crunchy cereal milk.”

The bernank is doing with a couple of bond purchases what it took W & obummer trillions of dollars to do, export democracy to the middle east. might set up a grudge match with billary, as the state department struggles to help these dictators, i mean benevolent allies, conquer these hoards of beligerent ruffians.

What? No way, Jose. Not Islamic Republics!The shock and awe of free disposable iPads will claim everlasting fealty with the female populations thus constructively dominating the men in the naturally matriarchal societies.

I enjoy The Bernank pisstaking as much as the next person but i'd love to see ZH focus on the real criminals. Like Greenspan before him , The Bernank is merely a cheap , ugly whore , taking her orders from the pimps in the shadows. The Bernank would suck off every CEO of Wall St into a glass bowl and then drink every last drop if he was told to. Hes an idiot. Forget him. Hes a paid for slut that has no control over anything. Focus on the real manipulators. Start doing some homework.

Get rid of Bernank and there will just be another cheap slut to replace him.

Trolls. Who in the hell can find Bernake to be a role model and inspire them. Quaint shit.

What this guy is saying/doing is destroying our country, and these X-generation, high school bred morons are urging him on.

We need to do what the Communist Chinese did years ago, and hold a bunch of little sessions to "educate" them, or else.

You know, these punks are really good excuse for a repressive government to re-educate them. I am slowly beginning to think that they need to be re-educated. And I am beginning to believe others in power and thinking the same.

He must be bloody desperate if a tiny decline (compared to , before the fed bought everything, normal fundamental reactions) in the market trigged an emergency conference... he is so near to complete bust of his bank account, what will he do next?

Gets so much funnier as it gets harder and harder to tell the fake news from the real news...we have crossed over into an inverse universe where the fake news is the real stuff and the real stuff is fake.

The swine in control will not quit til the mobs take them down. It may be happening in Egypt now, maybe the mob will succed. The evil empire will most likely put some other stooge in power and the game will continue. The emorgency session no doubt was about just that.

Here at home things will have to get quite a bit uglier before spontaneous combustion happens. No doubt the hornets nest is being poked a bit, but there is a lot of smoke blown at it and all those hornets are just sooo drowsy. All that unemployment is maybe helping Joe to think a bit about what is happening to him and his family? ( I would bet a silver dollar against a greenback that the Bernank is a lot more concerned about this issue than about the pain caused by unemployment to the citizenry.)

No, things will to get a whole lot worse before 'we the people' demand real change. Like maybe starvation? coupled with serious shortages at the pump?

At this point shopping is still too easy for the silent majority, and we are still glad that the troops and TSA and their ilk are keeping us safe here in the good ole USA, never mind the cost.

It is a post. Entertaining on a Friday night. I think the guy had a point, it was lost in the breakdown of the humor. It was a good shot though, I give it an A because it beats the hell out of anything that has been attempted in a month that was meant to be funny. Keep writing buddy, we need all the humor we can get. Just remember, half of the idiot bloggers at this site type with their thumbs.