Chile:Hoping that length is more important than girth since 1818

Chile already took over part of Antarctica and no one stopped them. What’s next: Ohio? Once they get passed Cleveland, we’ll have to put an end to their aggression.

Other reasons to be scared:

Chile Is Shaped Like A Dementor’s Finger — If I learned anything from the train scene in HP3, it’s that Dementor’s fingers are not good things. They’re crazy ugly and they make the room cold. I don’t like the cold and neither do most Americans. This is probably Chile’s plan—to make us chilly. Unscrupulous bastards.

If Chile decides to adopt an aggressive foreign policy we’re screwed. I know I can’t produce a worthwhile patronus charm. Even when I get it right it comes out as a kiwi bird. Is there anything less frightening than a kiwi bird? The correct answer is no.

They Have Patagonia (aka Pata-gucci) — This is their long-term approach to global domination. Slowly take over the world by tricking people into paying too much for outdoor apparel.

$140 for a fleece quarter-zip!? Hell no I’m not paying for that!... But it does look good on me… And it’s comfortable… And it’s made well, so you know it will last… I mean really, I’m gonna have it for years, so it’s more like an investment. It will probably save me money in the long run.

​No Easter On The Island — Chile own’s Easter Island, the most deceptively named island of all. When I went there on vacation I spent the entire time searching for eggs. I didn’t find a goddamn thing.

The success of this chicanery is probably giving all the Chileans big-heads (hahaha, big heads, classic).

​Truffula Trouble — Chile has Dr. Seuss's truffula trees. As we all know, Dr. Seuss was a diabolical underground arms dealer. Don’t believe me? Have you read the Butter Battle Book? It’s nothing but a litany of terrifying WMD’s: the Tough-Tufted Prickly Snick-Berry Switch, the Eight-Nozzled Elephant-Toted Boom Blitz, the Bitsy Big-Boy Boomeroo. I mean if Chile has truffula trees why not these horrific weapons?

See, real life truffula trees. This means it could all be real, including the monstrous weapons.

Did Reagan ever complete his Star Wars defense shield? I sure hope so otherwise the U.S. is destined to be the victim of the Kick-A-Poo Kid, loaded with Poo-A-Doo powder, and ants' eggs, and bees' legs, and dried-fried clam chowder.

Home to Valparaiso — Valparaiso busted my March Madness bracket in 1998. I haven’t trusted them since.

Cheerleaders for the famous Chilean College Basketball team Valpo. It is unclear as to why they went with poop as the color palette for their uniforms.