From Just Surviving, to Feeling ALive!

Friday, 1 April 2011

It's been 3 months! Shocking I know. I was about to apologizes, but then I thought about why it's been so long and I realized it is actually nothing to be sorry about...

I had just got my husband back after a long and painful bout of depression. I well to be honest I have just been enjoying getting to know him again! I didn't realize just how much of Rich's life the depression had been controlling. It's crazy how he suddenly get better so fast, but I'm certainly not complaining.

I can now remember why I married him. He is such a lovely man! So funny and thoughtful and my best friend!

It has been 3 months, but it has been well spend I have been getting to know my husband again and dealing with the after math of such a long time just surviving!

There's a lot to talk about and I think I've changed a lot! My kids certainly have! Charlotte will be starting pre-school properly after easter and Katie is walking and talking already! I have started to get help for the baggage I was carrying around and am being set free from loads of rubbish. I am feeling more happy and Alive than I have ever done! and I guess that was the result I was hoping for!

I have Gone from Surviving to feeling alive... I know there is a lot more to being ALIVE and I am excited to find out!

A lot has happened and I need to get some of it written down! But for now the facts are that you can go from Surviving to feeling ALIVE! Life can and will be amazing! I am so excited about the future and so full of hope! You can be too!!!! Stay tuned, life is a white knucked ride from here in and the best is yet to come!!!

Monday, 13 December 2010

On the 13th December 2010 I weighed in at 73kg.... which for the old school peeps is about 11 n half stone!!!! Yeah so I'm thinking now might be the time to do something about it...

I have put on 10kg while having my two lovely girls and while I wouldn't trade them for the flattest tummy in the world I would like to work on this area of my life. I have also gotten rather lazy in the exercise department and I could make all the excuses in the worlds about having young kids and not having time, but the real truth is that I'm a bit lazy! However this is something I would like to change and so starting now (which is odd for me because I normally like to plan things for ages!!!) I want to work on my self control and not being lazy!

There is a small bit of good news and which is that even though the depression, the counts bars of chocolate and other comfort food which I have sort refuge in, and despite being a really lazy bum... I have not actually put on any weight all year! Last Jan I weighed 73kg, same as now...

Therefore I have come to believe that is I start to make small, sustainable changes, to my eating habits, my munchie habits, my lack of exercise habits and change where I seek comfort in tough times.. Then amazing and long lasting changes will be made possible!

Ideally I want to be back to my pre baby weight and shape, which means losing 10kgs, creating good habits and exercising regularly to rebuild strength and tone... Possibly even working hard enough to be back to my best weight ever (in my adult life lol) at 9 n half stone.. but that is a big challenge!

However baby steps are how this is going to work and so even though it is the Christmas period... I want to have lost 2kgs in the next 3 weeks.

So here is my promise to myself.

I will have lost 2kgs by the 3rd of Jan 2011, and I will do this by starting to exercise 3 times a week, by having smaller portions at meal times and less chocolate (can't cut it out completely, it is Christmas after all!)

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The dust is starting to settle after a crazy roller coaster ride over the last few months maybe even the last two years. Life has been a complete whirlwind and I have been very guilty of sticking my head in the sand and hoping problems will just go away! The funny thing is that when you stick your head in the sand and hide from problems they generally come back to bite you in the butt...

I have had a busy weekend with my brother staying, we have painted the front room, done most of the christmas shopping, helped out at a drop in centre, done some community work, spent time with my family and been to church! But now that it is pretty much over and the boys are heading out tomorrow for a 30 mile walk! I think now would be a good time to started to pick up the pieces and take stock of my life.

The first thing I want to do to help me take stock of my life and where I am is to compleat a Life Balance Check list. This will just help me to take an outside look at 5 of the 6 main areas of life Mind, Body, Family, Society and Finances... (it doesn't include spirituality for some reason) and see where I am. The last time I did this the results where very depressing, but it did give me a kick up the bum... So I hope things have changed!

The results will be here in just a few minuets so we shall see...

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The balance check list comprises of a series 10 true or false questions for each of the 5 areas of life. Once you have answered the questions you give yourself a score out of ten for each area. Once this is complete you then check two things: (1) how are you doing in each areas separately and (2) how does each area compare to another... in other words is your life in balance?

The results are in... lets take a little look.

I will start with the lowest score and work up...

Finances 1 out of 10 (oh dear.. some work needed in this area, me thinks...)

Family 3 out of 10 (Yicks... looks like the depression and the "just surviving" has taken rather a large toll on my family life!)

Body 4 out of 10 (ever so slightly better, but also looks like the depression and comfort eating has taken it's toll on my health and body too)

Mind 7 out of 10!!! (Up by 4 points since the last time I did this test! Huge improvements and a real encouragment that Life is on the mend and things can get better!!)

Society 10 out of 10! (Again up but only by 1 point.. but 10 out of 10... not bad. I'm not sure how good this test is because I not the most useful person to society by a long stretch, but maybe I'm not as useless as I once thought!)

So this is what my life looks like right now. Some areas need a lot of work, and it is very out of balance, but maybe not as bad as I thought and it looks like if we take baby steps we might be able to see some improvements!

Now it is time to start picking a few little areas that I want to work on right now to start feeling more Alive. I think I will call it a night and spend some time having a good look over my results and see where to start and then let you know how I am getting on.

One thing I know I want to work on right away is my weight and so in an attempt to be brave and to keep myself accountable tomorrow I will have "The Big Weigh In" and set myself an achievable goal...

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Getting ready for the BIG interview! So stressed and umm probably could have handled that stress in a better way, but you live and learn; right?

Worrying about the future... and then realising that worrying about it wont help things at all, in fact will probably make things harder and make me more unhappy!

Choosing to trust God.. Tough but actually really freeing!

Not passing the interview... bit of a blow!

Finding a peace that we are actually in God's will!

Having a little/minor panic about the future... :-(

Richard being compleatly free from Depression!!! So exciting and a little scary, as I keep getting scare it will all come back again!

Feeling a little pushed away by Richard because he wants to "Find himself" but trying to understand...

Having a very different, but rather charming man living in my house (still Rich in case you were worried)

So much has happen and it's taken some time to let the dust settle and figure out what we have left.We also have to start thinking about what the next steps should be in order to move forward and be where we should be. We decided it would be a good idea to have a life meeting! This is a time where Richard and I get together after the girls are asleep, with a glass of wine and talk about Life... The things we are finding hard, anything we need the other persons opinion on, a chance to get those annoying things of your chest that you know could become a little ugly if you leave them un-said for a few weeks. Also a time to look at what is going on in our lives and where we are going, making sure we are both of the same track.

It was a really good thing to do at this time, something we haven't done together for a long time. I had a chance to talk to Rich about that fact that I have been feeling pushed away since he got back, and that while I am very excited that he's depression has GONE, I am also very scared about it coming back. We also talked about the fact that he has changed a LOT and that even tough it is all for the better, he is also very different and it is going to take me some time to get to know him again! Richard also feels the same way, that he has changed and it is going to take him some time to get to know himself too and that is why he wants the space to be alone with his thoughts.

Since we had the Life Talk we have been getting on a lot better. I no longer feel so pushed away and I think we both realise is it going to take us sometime to get used to the changes. However we are both very excited about the future and so that is GOOD!

The next step for me is to take Stock of my life, where I am and how things are looking in different areas of my life, see what is good, and what can be worked on and then get to it. I strongly believe my Future is my fault and so I need to get to it! With God's help...

To take stock I will be using a Life Balance check list. I know that the last time I look at this I scored very badly and it was rather depressing, but I am a stronger person and I hope I can look at the results and grow from than rather than crumble!

Hopefully I will get the results up here tomorrow or Friday and then I can begin to make changes!

Dare 2 Dream

Becky

P.S. The Caffeine thing is going well! I am no longer addicted and although I am not T- total.. I am only drinking one or two coffee's a week rather than 4 or 5 a day!

P.P.S. I am hoping to take Rich out on a date next week... Which I am very excited about!

Saturday, 4 December 2010

WAS AMAZING! We were still snowed in at Dad and Mum's and so we just spent the whole day making super home made food, cutting wood (I can use an axe!) Target shooting, Tobogganing and making snow angels! I can't believe how cold it was, but a few good swings of the axe and you soon warm up. It was too cold to even make snow balls, we tried and tried, but they wouldn't stick together... To bad really as my sister Debbie and I were at the top of a big hill and the boys were at the bottom, we were trying to make a big snow ball to roll down the hill at them with the hope it would get bigger and bigger and get them all covered in snow!! but it was a big fail! So we made snow angels, and snow face prints (bad ideas is it was sooooo cold it burnt our faces, but fun all the same!)

Then in the evening we sat by the log burner and played cards and then watched the start of the new NCIS series (which Richard and I haven't seen yet) and ate lots of chocolate and pop corn! Super super day!

Saturday

Started really great with the heating in our room WORKING!!! Oh yeah and little Katie climbing in for a cuddle and to play peek a boo. Then after breakfast my sisters and I help Mum tidy the house while Rich and Dad went out shopping! (I think I should add here that the snow melted in the night due to LOTS of rain, but we had lots of fun so we were lucky really)

Debbie, Kirsty, Amy and I all decided to have our own X-factor moment and sang a lot of Whitney Houseton, and other musical numbers! Which was fab. They all have lovely voices and I hope they will get a chance to use them some day.

WE packed up and then it kind of dawned on me that we were going home and I guess allowed myself to start making stuff up about how it could be really bad when we got home, how the kids weren't going to behave and how Richard could so easily start freaking out about not passing his navy interviews. Then I chose to start worrying about the future and got myself all upset. Silly me! I know it was daft, that it was a choice, I chose to let myself get upset and that I was making stuff up! I had no idea really what it would be like when we got home and I don't know what the future holds.

I know I need to pull myself together and start trusting God and start trusting Rich again. Worrying is not going to help and in fact it will make my sad, it will make things much harder for Richard and is really being very pride full and choosing not to trust God. I basically saying that I don't trust him with my life, to have a good plan for me and so I don't want to give him control and relax. How very rude of me.... I know this all to be true, but you know what it is flipping hard to let go sometimes. Maybe if I keep making a conscious effort to et go and to relax, stop worrying and give things to God then over time it will be come more natural. What do you think? I hope so because right now it is pretty tricky...

Well the washing up needs doing again, the washing is on and Rich will be back soon. So I better go and get on with it! I hope you have a super evening. Love to all your family xx

Thursday, 2 December 2010

I'll have to do a run down of the last two days today as its been a bit hectic and Ive not managed to get on here!

Wednesday (the day after Richard's results)
This was an interesting day. We choose to have a family day because Rich had been away and it would give us a chance to absorb his results! Richard took Charlotte out to the park in the morning which gave me a chance to have a bath all by myself! It was amazing! Thank you Richard!

And then in the afternoon we took the girls out to look at the Christmas lights in our local big shop (which sells everything) Value House! We had a lovely time and even managed to get a few Christmas presents! I have to admit that Christmas has not been at the front of our minds yet! (I wonder why!) So in was a pretty good day, it was also a bit of an odd day trying to process Richards results and how that will effect our lives!

Like I said before Rich came back a differnet person and it seems to have been able to use this apparent failure to be the kick up the bum he needs to really get back up again, rahter then a kick in the face which will get him down. He is doing amazingly well and I would love to thank everyone who has been praying for him, God is really hearing your prayers!

He has come back full of ideas for the future, things he wants to do right now and plans for the future. He does however also want to "Find himself" and wants to spend some time alone (with God I hope) and find out what he really wants from life and make his own plans. It sounds really good in theory, but I am really having to fight feelings of rejection about this. I really want to be involved and I always thought that being married was about making choices together, but I do want Richard to be happy above everything else and if this is what he needs then I will have to learn how to be content and how to support him the very best I can, without being a grump and feeling left out! I think I'm gonna really need Gods help on this one, but I know he/we can do it together!

Thursday...

Thursday was a brilliant day! So much fun! We woke up to lots of snow, which is fab because it doesn't normally snow on Portland! We called Mum n Dad on the farm and found that they were a little snowed in! We were going over there anyways because they were planning on going up north to visit my brother, so we were all packed and ready to go. My brothers graduation was cancelled because of the snow and my family were snowed in and running out of normally food, so we decided to drive over anyway and try and get as far as we could and then walk the rest of the way!

Needless to say we did get stuck half way there and my brother and sister walked up to help us carry our stuff the last half mile! So now we are snowed in too.. but by choice...

We headed back out almost as soon as we arrived, to try and turn our car back around and get into town to buy food, saw blades and a broom for sweeping the 3/4 mile ish drive way! WE got all the goodies and parked at a farm down at the bottom, near the main road and then loaded up our back packs and my brother Joel, Rich and I started the mile or so walk back to Mum n Dad's farm! Dad and Kirsty, one of my other sisters, meet us half way back and helped carry the large amounts of bread we were carrying in our hands and we all headed back! It was dark by now and starting to get icy, but the middle of the road was pretty much just fresh fluffy snow so we were pretty safe when we stayed in the middle. WE got home and Mum had made Hot Jacket Potatoes and Chilli (which was amazing!)

I know it kinda sounds like a nightmare but it was one of the most fantastic days ever! It feels very Little house in the prairie! Having go walk out in the snow to get food, cutting fire wood and eating great food together as a family. I love being snowed in with my family! But I do also like knowing my car is safe and when we get bored we can go home! I hope it doesn't last too long because I know it will be tough on my family being stuck here, but I am glad we are stuck ish together!

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

So Richard failed the Navy Interview! There was a few little tears (from me) just a bit of a shock I think, but in actual fact we're doing good. We have worked towards this for almost a year now and in many ways everything has come crashing down, but we always said we wanted to stay in God's will and be where he wanted us to be doing the job he wanted us to do.

God has been faithful though everything that has happened and I truly believe that he has a plan for our lives and as we keep seeking him the path will be revealed!

I have to be honest I was very worried about Richard! I thought he would come home frustrated and angry and would be on a real downer. In stead he walked in with a huge smile on his face, with presents for myself and the girls and a plan to turn over a new leaf and sort some things out! I was completly blown away and so grateful. I had be praying that God would be close to him and guild him and that he would be able to put his trust in him and he has been faithful. Rich has come back so different.. The anger has gone and the worry has gone.

They have asked him to try again next year for the Navy again, so I think that is the plan so far, but getting a good job/ second choice career sorted too. Richard is planning to take some time to find who he is again and build himself up, after this depression. To work on his self esteem and start to believe the truth, that is a good guy, a great father and husband and that he is very loved. He has really taken some knocks and I think this could be really good for him. Hopefully we can get out lives back on track and next year we will be much stronger, more useful people. I think there are some exciting times ahead. I choose to be hopeful and to get excited.

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About Me

Hi There, I'm Becky, I am Married to Rich and we have two beautiful girls and two mischievous Cats.
We started our own business and it kinda died, so we are just changing career direction, our kids are aged 2years and the other 10 months and we are very involved in Youth work and doing things with our church and community.
Too read more check out my first post...