It seemed to us that her head got more beautiful as her body
deteriorated. She was a Champion and a Canine Good Citizen, but most of
all, she was a beautiful lady. She was a veteran but she didn't get the
chance to walk in the veterans parade.

Two weeks after we saw profound symptoms, we said good-bye to CJ.
Basically she had overwhelming anemia secondary to histiocytosis in the
bone marrow. She was in intensive care for 6 days, then came home with
an estimate of 4-6 months. We got 4 days. I've written about her
treatment and symptoms but this message is to remember and rejoice in
the good times.

Things that make us smile

- landing noises - The first time I was alone with her I thought
she growled at Pilgrim, but it was just her landing noise. The great
rush of air out when they plop down. Have you heard it?

listening for hoof-beats -- she often lay with her head turned to
the side and her ear down. "Kemo Sabe, three horsemen are coming,
riding fast."

Daddy's girl -- I fed her and she liked me ok, but she loved her
Daddy and preferred men. With CJ, John finally had his boat dog. She
loved to ride on the pontoon boat. He took over her feeding and meds at
the last. She left this world looking at her Daddy as she sank into my
arms.

wriggling in the grass - one of her favorite activities was finding
the perfect spot and throwing herself down on the back of her head and
sliding down the slope. She got to enjoy this again in the final days at
home.

adventures - we bought a small camper, modified especially for the
dogs. We spent 111 nights in it in 2008 and 134 nights in 2009 so far.
She visited the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. We camped in 36 of the
lower 48 states . It took us four months to go and come to the Portland
specialty.

One of our favorite memories is from Louisiana, where CJ became a
great armadillo hunter. We had never seen them except as road kill or in
a zoo. On a short walk, we saw about 15 - CJ saw 10 first and the other
3 of us eventually saw one first. She went back to all the siting places
the next day. She was our best hunter. She often alerted to creatures.

CJ's music - she was frightened of storms and other unexpected
noises. Within a few moments after starting her music - through a Dog's
Ear; music to calm your canine companion - she would settle. We are
finding comfort in listening to it now.

She could wag just the tip of her tail and always acknowledged us
if we came near. She slept hard against my side of the bed and I had to
always look sharp when I got up in the night. That's one of the places
that seems so empty now. The other is her Daddy's office.

We have wonderful pictures of her life adventures and even those we
took at the end. One day we will get our web-site updated, but tomorrow
we go to the famous Berner Beach Walk, not to forget but to remember and
rejoice. Chase is learning to be an only dog and we are adjusting to
this new chapter.

Last year's Christmas letter and pictures did not get out until
April Fool's Day. We included this quote -

We can't do anything
yesterday - only today and maybe tomorrow, if we are lucky.

Ain't it the truth? Hug your
dogs and be sure you are doing what you want now.

Nell

CJ's Story

I can only imagine that CJ's
pedigree name is a Christian modern genre song that her breeder, Cathy
Burlile's sister clung to while she died of breast cancer at age 36. Her
name Christine Jackson. I asked Cathy if she could give her to me -
named after her dear sister. She said she loved her too much to leave
her at the back of the bus.

She was finished to her championship so that her mother could be
Cathy's first Top Producer of champions. She had a hip that didn't pass
x-rays so she was not going to be bred. Both of my dogs could have
stayed forever at their breeders homes, but when we came looking they
both thought the dogs would have more fun with us.

**********************

Dear Memory Friends, we said good-bye to beautiful CJ yesterday.
In Cathy's words - quickly from bad to worse to impossible. When I quit
sobbing long enough, I will write a memorial with all her delight, but
in this message I will try to tell about her final illness since some of
you have relatives.

Her profound symptoms started 2 weeks before she died. She had had
unexplained weight loss since the spring, but her blood work was OK.

Sat, Oct 10 - we went to a BMD club Howl-oween. She seemed fine. We
went as the Red Hat Society - 2 veteran dogs and 2 senior people with
purple shirts and red hats or the dogs had bandanas.

Sun, Oct 11 - she began to refuse her food mixture. We tried giving
her the pieces, eventually during the week she refused cooked chicken,
then potatoes, then rice and finally would only eat raw ground turkey
with John coaxing her.

Tues, Oct 13 - I thought she looked like she was having trouble
with her mouth. We took her to the holistic vet who adjusted her neck
and jaw and gave her a vit B12 shot.

Fri, Oct 16 - went to conventional vet perhaps for metronidiazole.
He took one look at her pale gums and sent us speeding to NC State. (An
amazing member of our Berner family insisted that we stay at their house
- 10 minutes from the vet school. What an amazing gift to give us a
place to stay with Chase and grieve and go back and forth to the
hospital.)

She was there until Thurs, Oct 22. I have 4 pages of discharge
notes that I can share but here is an attempt to summarize. I'm not
trying to list dates, etc. Her case was always a puzzle.

Packed red cells 12% on admission - 35-55% is normal --15% is the
threshold for transfusion

She was walking and alert.

ultra-sound - enlarged and mottled spleen, enlarged liver

transfusion and PCV up to only 15; prednisone and another
transfusion, PCV 24%, it fell to 17% by discharge.

aspirate of spleen and liver showed some histiocytes but not enough
to confirm cancer. They were going for exploratory surgery to get
biopsies, but did a bone marrow biopsy once she was asleep.

What they found in the bone marrow was so bad that they did not do
the exploratory surgery. I am delighted that she did not have to deal
with an abdominal incision in the short time she had left.

She had IV adriamycin to treat the cancer the day before she came
home. After a week we were to do a CBC and if the white count was OK,
then add cytoxan. She was also on doxycycline and cephalexin plus
cerenia and metronidazole PRN if vomiting or diarrhea.

The first estimate was 6-8 weeks, then after the adriamycin they
estimated 4-6 months.

Her care was complicated. John made a chart and kept records of
what he could get her to eat and of her meds. He was wonderful. She
thought the canned prescription diets was pretty terrible. They said she
ate with great gusto in ICU. We never got a chance to ask what was
different. I'm guessing it was digestive upset from the adriamyin. She
got cerenia and famotidine for nausea. Cooked chicken was not of
interest. Eventually all she would eat was EVO dry kibble.

By Sat night we began to admit that the treatment was not working.
Sun she worsened during the day. We wondered if she would live through
the night on Sun. She was not in pain, just getting tired.

We went to our vet Mon afternoon. We carried her in from the yard
in the morning. Amazing she walked through the house one last time and
jumped into the van with just a little boost. 30 min later she was not
able to get up or walk across the parking lot. PCV was 5% - remember
that 15% is the threshold for transfusion.

Our vet talked the oncologist at State. One option was to give her
another transfusion in an attempt to keep her alive long enough for the
drugs to help her bone marrow. Since she had been transfused, she would
need to go back to State for a typed and cross-matched transfusion. That
seemed too much for her.

We could have brought her home without treatment, but we couldn't
stand the idea of her dying at home. She had not eaten in the last day
and a half. We had promised her that she was going to be free.

We chose to euthanize her. She was always a Daddy's girl. She was
looking at her beloved Daddy as she slumped into my arms.

We have never had cancer in our dogs before. We are shattered by
the quick progression. She had a wonderful life. When I get a bit more
focused I will write the memorial of all the good things we did
together.

Hug yours

Nell

A
friend sent me this link when CJ died a week ago

http://www.b-naturals.com/newsletter/pets-terminal-illness/ I learned something
important - a new way to look at end-of-life and illness issues. Basically it is this. If you live in GUILT, you
will be living in the PAST. If you live in FEAR, you will be living in
the FUTURE. You need to try to live with your dog and yourself in the
PRESENT. It is so true and so hard. I
see so many examples on all these lists. It would be easy for me with CJ
to think I should have gotten her treated sooner or we should have
brought her home from the hospital sooner, or fed her differently, or
done more with her or less, or .... But every decision we made we
thought was the best at that time. Indeed when you learn more, like with
Arthur's pneumonia or with CJ's final diagnosis, perhaps there was
another path that we could have traveled. I see lots of fear on the
lists. What if my dog gets cancer? What will happen as my dog ages and
get less capable? What if my dog bites someone? What if I lose my job?
I could write many paragraphs
about each of these ideas for ALL the dogs in my signature block, but I
am trying hard to learn from my experiences but to live here and now
instead of in the past or future. We have sent Christmas
pictures of us and the dogs since 1983. You can see them at our
web-site. 2008 was not sent until April Fool's Day, 2009. I made up a
quote, but the thought is not original. We can't do anything
yesterday - only today and maybe tomorrow, if we are lucky.So let's all try to live in
the present. Nell