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Such feelings of lost opportunity don't stop there, though admittedly the worst is now behind us. Charging forward we look to the career modes, hoping to find a reason that justifies this charade. And in a way, this is where Rivals actually manages to surpass Ridge Racers, not in the short term rush but in the long, drawn out haul.

Although this new 3D Tyris isn't drawn quite as sexily as she used to be, the characters all looked attractive... until I saw them up close during their really lame magic spell sequences. As the camera zoomed in, I could see how few polygons were actually used to create the Amazon's pointy face. From then on, the illusion was shattered; even when the camera pulled back out, it was easy to spot the rough edges and graphical flaws because I knew they were there.

As I later encountered soldiers in a churning boatyard, soldiers patrolling a mechanical labyrinth, soldiers waiting in a rusty scrapyard, soldiers inside an abandoned factory, soldiers perched outside a shopping center, and soldiers stationed in friggin' highway traffic... well I got pretty freaking sick of SOLDIERS.

The question is however, how hard do you like your action? Do you enjoy a game steeped in technique and loaded with style? And if so, do you want it to kick your arse seven different ways to sunset, only to come back for more once the lights have gone out? If your reply was a confident sounding affirmative then hold on, I'm about to make your day.

The thing Harrier's got going for it (that even some newer titles lack) is an incredible sense of speed, which picks up even more by the 21st level. The completely redesigned scenery — trees, stone columns, icebergs, and sun-bleached bones — scrolls by at dangerous speeds, and enemies scream by so quickly that you only have a second or two to shoot before they're gone.

It's not often that a game comes along that alters the fabric of reality. Games that make you look back at the favorites of yesteryear and say "those weren't so special after all". Games that pull you into an orgasm just at the very sight of the decorative cover. Yes, those games are rare indeed.

Blimps aren't the strongest selling point in this day and age, and they weren't a strong selling point back in 1992 either. Perhaps some people might enjoy the idea of gatling-toting, supercharged WWI aircraft flying into orbit and beyond, but the whole notion of sailing a blimp through an asteroid field struck me as being quite silly (and in this game's specific case, dull).

One level has a famous (and deservedly so) "fire" background, made up of wavey arcs of flame, swirling back and forth as you battle through inconveniently-placed rocky crags. Oddly enough, despite such a memorable background, the scenery is Thunder Force 3's primary graphical weakness. There are a couple levels with neat effects; however, when forced to impress on their own merits, the backgrounds fail. Some of the coloration is horrid — just look at the putrid green slobbery of the woods.

Yes, this little terror can decapitate America's finest intelligence officers and then pick his teeth. If he's feeling kinder, he can toss a mounted agent instead of getting brains on his wrinkly lips, but then, what's the fun in that?

The Incredibles is easy like Sunday morning. I breezed through the thing in a few subway rides to and from work, losing only a life or two in the process, playing at a time when I am at my most bleary eyed and cack-handed.

The story of Bob Parr and his gifted family of superheroes (wife Mrs. Incredible, children Violet and Dash) is told inexcusably poorly. When you finish the adventure, you still won’t know what the movie is about.

House 2 takes the "living dead" theme and runs with it, creating a far, FAR more enjoyable shooting experience than Romero's horrific magnum opus Daikatana. While this game is "only" an on-rails shooting bonanza, the levels have been designed with the care one might expect from an FPS (or more care, if the FPS in question is that trainwreck Isle of the Dead). Doors can be unlocked with keys, rescued civilians will lead you down alternate paths, and zombies will drag you into hidden sewer tunnels!

Spawn: In the Demon's Hand had a more than fair chance to impress me. The designs of the immortal characters are both varied and inspired; the frail sharpshooter, the angel of death, the jester that transforms into a raging behemoth — they're all quite inspired, and I wanted to like them and their game. But I don't.

I’ve played a handful of good 3D updates lately—Castlevania’s Lament of Innocence was one such solid title—but Maximo outdoes that game and just about any I can think of, at least on one crucial level. Other good 3D follow ups do justice to their predecessors, but Maximo is arguably better than the two 16-bitters to come before it. That’s right, better.

Final Fight, Streets of Rage 2, and Guardian Heroes all feature hulking studs. Streets of Rage, on the other hand, features skeletal dwarves. If you're the sort who claims "Size matters most!", then don't look here. But if you're the type of chap who is simply out for an enjoyable hellbender through town and surf, then 'Rage provides plenty of action amidst well-drawn locales.

Devil May Cry 3 has a scope that the original in all of its awesomeness couldn't have possibly matched. It actually goes back in time and chronicles the most important moment of Dante's life — the night during which he learned the truth about his birth and fought his twin brother Vergil, his only remaining kin, in an epic battle to the death.

At this point, you have two options. Either you can mash buttons like crazy and hope for the best, or you can press the 'L1' button. Go with the second choice and the game will stutter. You'll relive the last few seconds you played... backwards. In this manner, fatal dives into a sea of spikes and even poorly-timed jumps that would otherwise lead to frustrating backtracking can be avoided.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me again though and... hey, it looks like I've just bought another Namco Museum. Formulatic, predictable, and oh so tiresome. Yes, you probably already know how this is going to work. Heck, if the truth be told, you should also have a fairly good idea of exactly what games to expect.