When Ruby Rippey-Tourk confessed to her husband that she had an affair with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, the recovering alcoholic was following one of the trickiest steps of the 12-step program: make amends.

But some say she missed the fine print. Make amends, the ninth step says, “except when to do so would injure them or others.“

Her confession left a very public trail of victims – from her husband who quit as Newsom’s campaign manager, to the mayor himself, who followed the revelation with a couple of his own: He ‘fessed up to the affair, and then admitted he, too, drinks too much and is seeking counseling.

The need to bare one’s soul raises a difficult
The answer isn’t simple – especially in the alcohol recovery community, where the 12-step program is considered the best path to sobriety. Step nine’s mandate to make amends without hurting others is considered one of the toughest.

And some suggest Rippey-Tourk, even if she had good intentions, might have bungled it.

“That would be the general consensus – that that step wasn’t followed to the `T,'” said Jennifer Dooley, executive director of Support Systems, an addiction treatment center based in Campbell that uses the 12-step program. “Obviously, that’s a situation where it hurt many.”

Matter of motive

Wiggsy Sivertsen, director of Counseling Services at San Jose State University, says that sometimes it can be better to keep the secret. It comes down to motivation: “Are they trying to get absolution, are they trying to hurt their partner?” she said. “What is the motivation of telling something what happened a year and a half ago, or two years, or 10 years ago?”

That may be a good question, but it doesn’t necessarily provide all the answers, according to Kevin Richardson, executive director of New Life Recovery Centers in San Jose.

“The injuries could go even deeper if she didn’t do anything about it,” Richardson said. Keeping the secret could have hurt and embarrassed her husband in other ways. “If she doesn’t make amends, if someday he does find out, and he’sacting like Gavin is his best buddy and pal, it’s going to be even worse.”

There were many signs that rumors were flying around San Francisco’s City Hall – and Alex Tourk was bound to learn the truth sooner or later, he said.

Sam Singer, a San Francisco public relations crisis manager hired last week by Tourk, confirmed Thursday that Rippey-Tourk was following the ninth step when she told her husband about the affair, which ended about 18 months ago.

“There are a lot of people who would like to make different judgments about what anyone could, should, or would do in this situation,” Singer said. “The reality is, each person has to choose the path they believe is best for themselves and their family. I don’t think it’s right for anyone to judge Ruby or Alex in this matter.”

Put off quitting

Tourk wanted to resign immediately when his wife told him the truth two weeks ago, Singer said. But he waited until Jan. 31, when the mayor returned from a business trip.

“Mr. Tourk is a highly principled, thoughtful and loyal individual,” Singer said. “He knew that he could no longer serve the mayor as his campaign manager and, unfortunately, could no longer call him a friend, and was left with no other option than to resign.”

The couple is still together, Singer said.

“Obviously, a public disclosure of a private matter puts great strain on a relationship,” he said, “but they are working together to figure out the next steps in their lives and to take care of their wonderful 3-year-old son.”

The 12-step program was written in 1935 by Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder Bill Wilson, known as Bill W., reflecting the anonymous nature of the program. Some estimates put success rates after completing such programs at 40 percent to 50 percent. The approach has since spread to treating other addictions, including narcotics.

The program is a soul-searching journey for substance abusers, who are asked to confront their personal shortcomings and make amends – a process that is intended to give them strength to stay sober. With the help of an AA sponsor who provides guidance, they must first be willing to admit they are “powerless over alcohol – that our lives have become unmanageable.”

Step four requires making a “fearless moral inventory of ourselves,” and is a prerequisite to step nine, which is apparently what ignited the San Francisco scandal.

Former Santa Clara Mayor Judy Nadler, now a senior fellow in government ethics at Santa Clara University’s Markkula Center for Applied Ethics, said Rippey-Tourk shouldn’t be blamed for the domino-effect of her confession.

“Her actually talking to her husband is not the issue,” Nadler said. “It’s his quitting and the mayor’s reaction to his quitting.”

Honesty, she says – especially in politics – is the best policy: “It really is.”

Dooley, from Support Systems in Campbell, adds it is sometimes hard to predict what harm a confession will cause.

Unexpected harm

Generally speaking, “I would never advise somebody not to admit their wrongs,” Dooley said. In the Newsom scandal, though, “It ended up harming others. I don’t know if they could have foreseen that.”

But Richardson of New Life Recovery Centers, who has been a recovering alcoholic for two decades, said the fact that Newsom is seeking help should be considered a good consequence. Also, in the blur of a crisis, it can take time to realize the benefits of such disclosures.

“It’s like me 21 years ago, when I went to this treatment center. Some people could think that’s the most terrible thing for you,” Richardson said. “But I look back and think that’s the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.”

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