INTRODUCTION

"We will always be the victim of all relationships (work, rest, and play) until we learn the adult skill of successful self-assertion. If we don't speak up for ourself then we will generally be spoken down to. This is just a social law of life."

To enjoy success in life, we need to learn the crucial skill of mature and balanced assertiveness. We learn to feel good when we assert ourself in a calm and balanced manner. To have self-respect we need to learn how to assert ourself.

Our ability to assert and
protect ourselves is intimately linked to our level of self-esteem and
self-respect.

OPINION OF OUR SELF

Our opinion of our self is a product of our mind.

We are what we think we are.

We can change the way we think about ourselves.

We can make up our mind about what opinion we have of our
self and our behaviour.

We can review, adapt, and change this opinion dependent upon
our learning from inner and outer sources.

OPINIONS OF OTHERS CONCERNING
OUR SELF

We can learn to listen to appropriate others concerning
their opinion of us.

We can make up our mind whether we think what they say is
relevant or has any truth in it.

If, after careful consideration, we agree with their opinion
we can adapt our behaviour.

If, after careful consideration, we disagree with their
opinion we can choose to ignore their opinion.

Our behaviour should meet our standards and if these
standards are not agreeable to others then we need to find out what part of
our standards needs improving.

If you think that you are the focus of psychological abuse, judgmentalism,
or prejudice, then you need to review the situation and work out ways of
dealing with the situation.

If you feel you are being unfairly judged then you need to
review the situation and work out ways to deal with it. It is a good idea to
seek out third-party advice.

COMPARISON BETWEEN INDIVIDUALS

Do not compare yourself unfairly with others.

Do not indulge in inferiority and superiority thinking and
behavior.

If you feel you are being unfairly judged then you need to
review the situation and work out ways to deal with it. It is a good idea
to seek out third-party advice.

What
is Assertiveness?

The word assertiveness is used to
describe a certain kind of behavior. It
is behavior which helps us to communicate clearly and confidently our
NEEDS, WANTS and FEELINGS to other people without abusing in any way their
human rights. It is an alternative to passive, aggressive and/or manipulative
behavior.

If we want to be assertive we must:

Decide what we want

Decide if it is fair

Think through it carefully

Organize and plan how we are going to ask for it

Not feel guilty if the request is reasonable

Ask clearly for it

Not be afraid of taking risks

Be calm and relaxed

Express our feelings openly

Be firm yet fair

Don't make unreasonable demands or requests

Give and take compliments easily

Give and take fair criticism

Be willing and able to talk through the subject

We must not:

Beat about the bush.

Go behind people's backs.

Bully.

Call people names.

Bottle up our feelings.

Be aggressive and antisocial.

Feel fear and guilt for asking.

Resort to hostility and violence.

Very few people manage to be assertive
in all areas of their lift. Some of us manage to be assertive at home but
have difficulties at work. Others may be fine when they are working but
are unable to assert themselves within their personal relationships.

Why
Are We Unassertive?

"The child is Father to the
man." - Wordsworth.

Those of us who are parents will
remember only too well how little fear our new-born babies had about
communicating their needs and feeling in an open and direct manner! As
babies they may not have acquired the more sophisticated assertive skills
of judging whether their demands are fair, or making requests in a calm
relaxed manner but they certainly do not beat about the bush. Very
quickly, however children learn to adapt their behavior according to the
kind of response their requests receive (ref: conditioning).

They may learn that by behaving
as a good, quiet, sweet little child they get the goodies that they need
or want. Alternatively, they may find that shouting screaming and kicking
bring a quicker and more satisfying response.

At school, children also go through
the same unconscious learning
process (ref: conditioning). There, they may find that the
behavior that worked best at home does not get the same results at school.
They begin to experiment with different approaches and responses.
This process of learning to adapt our
behavior to suit different social relationships is easier for some of us
than others. Much will depend on how successful and satisfying our
relationships with the most important figures in our life have been.

If our demands for physical and
emotional nourishment from our parents or parent substitutes were well
met - we will find the process of adapting our behavior to different
situations relatively easy.

If our early basic demands were
not well satisfied - we will try again elsewhere. Unfortunately we may
try in the most inappropriate places and end up getting rejected.

For example; a child who tries to get
his basic needs fulfilled at school may well get rebuffed and punished for
being "attention-seeking", "clingy" or
"over-anxious to please."

In our 'sophisticated' Western society
we generally cater for the physical needs of children reasonably well.
Catering adequately for their emotional needs on the other hand, is often
not so easily achieved.

If we wish our children to grow up
into confident, assertive adults, we will need to provide them with the
following:

A MODEL OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR -
someone who is assertive with them and whom they trust and respect and
will want to be like.

LOVE AND ENCOURAGEMENT - to build
up a sense of their own worth.

CARING CRITICISM - to enable them
to see themselves, their actions, and their demands realistically.

A SENSE OF VALUES - to help them
assess their own and others' rights.

A BASIC FEELING OF SECURITY - to
enable them to experiment with risks and make mistakes.

This is, of course, a very tall order
which very few of us can meet. We can take comfort from this proverb:

"He that hath
no children brings them up well.

Of course it isn't only
the influence of our parents that we must examine
in order to find the cause of our unassertive behavior. There are many
other factors to take into consideration such as:

Our position in the family - were
we the first, middle or last child?

The influence of other relatives -
other family members.

What sort of school did we go to -
how did we get on with the teachers and our peers?

What did we achieve - at school and
later at work?

Our Gender - in our society women
tend to be passive while men are often aggressive.

Our Social Class - sometimes money
and power make it easier for us to be more assertive though
unfortunately they also seem to encourage aggressive behavior.

Assertiveness Training does not
strictly speaking concern itself with the causes of problems but rather
with the development of appropriate skills to cope with them. In my
groups, however I am finding it more and more helpful to spend some time
looking at this question.

Before coming on a course, unassertive
people are so busy blaming themselves for being so inadequate that they
have not given a thought as to how their personal and social background
might have affected their behavior. A little understanding of how we
become unassertive can help reduce the feeling of guilt and give your
self-esteem and motivation a boost.

"Happy is he
who has been able to learn the cause of things." - Vigil.

Why
Bother to be Assertive?

It is important at the start of any
Assertiveness Training programme to be very clear about both the
advantages and disadvantages of becoming more assertive. Most people
register on my courses because they hope that if they learn to be more
assertive, they will get more of what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always
true.

Assertiveness Training helps us to communicate our needs more openly and honestly
but it cannot guarantee that they will be met. Assertive behavior more
often leads to compromise and negotiation rather than an outright win for
one party. Often, manipulative, 'behind the back' techniques and
aggressive behavior actually gets us more of what we want in terms of
material goods or power. It does so, though, often at great expense to our
personal relationships and self-esteem. Biographies of very many powerful and
successful people reveal loneliness and feeling of self-deprecation.
Assertiveness Training teaches us to behave in such a way so that we do
not continually come away from situations feeling bad about ourselves.

We will come away with the
satisfaction that we 'did our best' and did not abuse the rights of
others. The good news is that people who are generally assertive
are confident and relaxed people who are happy simply to be themselves.

"Best be
yourself - imperial, plain, and true."

Assertive people are aware both of
their strengths and their weaknesses. They are not afraid of taking risks
and know that by doing so, they will probably make many mistakes.

HOLISTIC SELF DEFENSE

Imagine Yourself
and Your Centers Surrounded By Protective Sphere

Another aspect of being assertive is
holistic self defense. We set up our own social boundaries, values, and ethics
which we will need to defend. Whenever we believe in something then we need to
realize that, at some point in life, we will be called on to explain and defend
our opinions. Being assertive means that we don't let anybody control our inner
self. It means that our inner space is sacred and we only allow those that we
trust and love the privilege of sharing that space. It means that we have our
own private inner space that we are in control of and we control the access to
it. If other's try to enter by force, then we can defend our inner space. This
is holistic self defense.

Just like the Shaolin Monks, we can defend
ourselves with suitable force and conviction, but we never set out to harm the
other. We can choose to apply the
law of harmless (ahimsa) in every area of our lives - holistic harmlessness
- and especially in the area of self assertion. The most successfully assertive
people are those that refrain from unconscious anger and never resort to
attacking the other (in thought, word, or action).

Experience
is the name we give to our mistakes

If you are assertive you will view
mistakes positively and see them as an opportunity to learn and do better
next time. You will have learned to gauge your successes by your own
capabilities and potential rather than by continually comparing yourself
with other people. Accepting your own capabilities will help you to set
yourself realistic goals so that you do not continually put yourself into
situations where you will feel a failure.

Being assertive also means accepting
that not everyone in the world will be kind and caring towards you. You
will develop the ability to spot when you are being abused or 'put down'
and you will know how to cope with unfair criticism and exploitation.

Finally, you will learn to use
assertiveness appropriately. You will be aware that there are some
situations when it is wise to take a back seat, and some where it is
appropriate to fight for your, and others, rights.

An obvious example of when assertive
behavior might not be appropriate would be when you or others are in
physical danger. Yes, certainly learning to be assertive is
worth the effort. Even the process of learning the skills can be
challenging and fun.

Diplomacy

Successful communication skills

To be successful in our communication we need to learn the art of good communication.

Avoid:

offending

intimidating

sarcasm

open hostility

Covert (hidden) hostility

bullying

making the other angry or wrathful towards us

Gossip and Talking behind a person's back

threatening

lieing

Deceiving

selfishness

Selfish and deceiving social engineering and manipulation

Dishonesty

scaring

Wrath: Anger, Resentment, hatred

Violence: physical, emotional, social, mental

Guilt for asking for what you need or want

Change
brings life

An Assertiveness Training group may be
exhausting but most people find the supportive, caring and often humorous
atmosphere a wonderful experience. They treasure the unique opportunity to
be completely open about their strengths and weaknesses and help each
other work constructively on their problems.

The support you can get in an
Assertiveness Training group can help you to cope with the inevitable
changes in your life and relationships. For some people these changes may
take place very smoothly but for others the period of transition can be
very stressful.

It is not uncommon for many people at
the end of an Assertiveness Training course to feel dissatisfied with some
of their previous relationships. As they become more assertive they
realize how suffocating these relationships have been and unless the other
person is willing to change or adapt, a parting of the ways often results.

The period between ending a friendship
and finding a more satisfying replacement can be unsettling. This is when
you will find invaluable the support of 'true friends' and your group.