Sunday, June 28, 2015

Now as you may know, recently season 5 of the Game of Thrones television adaptation came to its end. And oh what an end it was, with the final two episodes seemingly existing for the sole purpose of ruining everything that four seasons of goodness built up. Season five, I fear, will go down as the season in which the show both diverted into almost complete fan fiction and finally broke free from the chains of the great writing and seminal character of its source material to revel in rushed plotlines and shitty character decisions.

Nowhere is this more evident than in the absolute tidal wave of excrement that the show buried Stannis Baratheon in. Recently, I watched a super cut made up of every Stannis scene from season 5, and oh boy is that an eye opening exercise. I thought what they did to him was unforgivable just watching the show in order, but watching just the Stannis scenes is just like indulging in pure authorial schizophrenia. Allow me to share this journey with you as I lay out the journey of King Stannis in season 5, scene by scene. By the end, you will come to see if you haven't already, that not only is the writing of Stannis in this season an insult to the amazing character of the books, its an insult to common sense and logical character progression.

SEASON FIVE BEGINS.

- Stannis is at the wall. Stannis offers Mance Rayder a pardon if he will bend the knee. Mance Rayder refuses, and he is burnt alive until the intervention of Jon Snow, who gives Mance a quick death out of respect.

- Stannis lays out his plan to conquer the North to Jon Snow and offers Jon legitimization as Jon Stark, lord of Winterfell. Nothing egregious so far.

- Selyse apologises to Stannis for not giving a boy and only a disfigured girl. It is clear in her interactions with Shireen that Selyse gives all of zero fucks about her daughter. This fact has been more than established in earlier seasons too. (Keep this in mind, it will be important later)

- Jon Snow is elected Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. We get zero reaction scenes from Stannis.

- Stannis looks on approvingly as Jon Snow executes Janos Slynt for refusing an order. Apparently, he has quickly gotten over Jon Snow refusing his offer and openly defying him by executing Mance Rayder.

- Stannis and his daughter Shireen share a moment of heartfelt bonding in possibly the best scene of the season. Stannis relates how he stopped at nothing to save his daughter from grayscale and called in every maester on his side of the world to save her life, because she is his daughter and the princess Shireen of House Baratheon. Awww. Awesome character development and acting all around. Don't worry, they will go out of their way to shit all over this scene later. Keep in mind also that Shireen got the idea to come see her Dad from the fact that her mother gives zero shits and is ashamed of her.

- Stannis has a scene with Samwell Tarly. He asks him about his encounter with the White Walkers and remarks that he has much dragonglass at Dragonstone. He tells Sam to keep studying, because he is serious about defending the realm from the White Walkers. Seeing how the end of season 5 goes for Stannis, your guess is as good as mine what the fucking point of this scene was.

*NB: This is about the point that everything goes to hell.*

- Stannis marches from Castle Black to Winterfell, insisting on taking his family with him. Funny, in the books he leaves them behind. Don't worry, I'm sure they won't ruin this story at all and it's just a small change.

- Snow sets in and Stannis starts losing horses and men. Melisandre comes to Stannis and suggests HEY! LET'S BURN YOUR DAUGHTER! In an actual moment of sound writing, respect for the character and logic, Stannis pretty much tells Melisandre to go to hell.

- Oh, but wait! It's the very next scene Stannis is involved in! Ramsay Bolton and his 20 stealth ninjas of plot convenience have snuck into camp completely undetected and burnt the food stores! In the span of ONE FUCKING SCENE Stannis reverses completely and now thinks burning his own daughter is a fantastic idea. If I listed all the reasons why this is ridiculous and completely against character it'd be a 10,000 word essay. Even ignoring the books entirely and just treating the show on its own merits it makes no sense. The brilliant Stannis/Shireen scene is immediately rendered moot and useless. The PREVIOUS SCENE involving Stannis refusing to burn Shireen is rendered moot and useless. Putting aside the ridiculousness of Ramsay and his 20 stealth ninjas, what happened here is just an extension of the losses Stannis had already suffered, to which Stannis said "no fucking way I'm burning Shireen" to. The show expects us to stomach the fact that Stannis must have some sort of 'lost horse quota' in his head. Once it gets over a certain arbitrary figure, his stance magically shifts from "no how, no way" to "I'd like one grilled heir please".

- Stannis sends away Davos and burns Shireen alive as a sacrifice to R'hllor. Oh lordy lord. Stannis has apparently endured many gigantic changes of character in a few scenes. These amazing changes include losing all semblance of intelligence and command foresight (Gee, maybe my men won't like me burning Shireen and might desert) and an amazing vanishing regard for his legacy and love for his daughter, both of which were ESTABLISHED BY THE WRITERS CLEARLY A FEW FUCKING SCENES AGO.

- Oh, and wait. Selyse is so grief stricken over her daughter being burnt alive. The daughter she has previously given no fucks about. Zero fucks. Established character development. Now she cares. And Stannis, who has been previously established to be the GOOD parent, gives no fucks and watches her burn. Because reasons. These reasons likely include such bullshit as 'we're having Brienne kill him and don't want the audience to sympathise' and 'we don't like Stannis so fuck that shiz we're axing the fucker and want you to accept that'.

- Half the men desert. Selyse kills herself over the daughter she gave no fucks about. Melisandre runs away. Stannis marches to Winterfell anyway. Sense. Storytelling.

- The remainder of Stannis' forces is assaulted by a horde of Bolton cavalry. A few questions here. Where the fuck is Bolton storing all those horses in Winterfell? A few seasons ago it showed Winterfell ain't that big and Theon conquered it with about 50 men. I guess he's storing them in the same places he's training Ramsay and his 20 men in the secret arts of being plot armored ninjas. More importantly, why is Stannis, the greatest military commander in Westeros, not organising his men? Line of pikemen anyone? Anti-cavalry formation? OF COURSE NOT. We're just going to have him look like a putz as he does a suicide mission and half his men run away into the woods.

- Nope. You don't get to see the battle. You just get to see Stannis army annihilated and the complete triumph of the plot armored Boltons. Oh, speaking of plot armor, HERE'S BRIENNE OF TARD! You can literally hear Benioff and Weiss fapping furiously as Brienne miraculously finds Stannis in the middle of nowhere with no Bolton soldiers noticing her and then strokes off her duty boner by apparently executing Stannis. FOR RENLY! The usurping fuckwit with no legit claims to the throne! In the span of ten minutes into the season finale, the legitimate heir to the throne and central character so well written in the books is wiped from the series with a sad whimper, accomplishing nothing and having his entire series arc come to a ridiculous end.

- Yes. In the span of five episodes and about 8 actual scenes, Stannis transforms from proud king, grizzled war commander, tactician and loving father to OMG TOTAL FANATIC BURN SHIREEN DISREGARD TACTICS ACCEPT DEATH OH MAH RENLY GOOD GOLLY GAWRSH.

As you can see, I largely left out the books from my appraisal here, just because I want to make it clear that this story arc is terrible on its own terms, even setting the books aside. If you add in the books, all of this just becomes even more baffling and horrible. Stannis in the books would look upon this sad imitation with disdain and scorn, and I recommend everyone go and read them immediately just to get a taste of the true, multilayered, deep and fantastic character that George RR Martin has created and that Benioff and Weiss have all but shat on. Perhaps the saddest thing is, Stephen Dillane gave this writing more than it deserved with a truly fantastic performance, so good at points that it even makes you question if the writing is indeed so terrible (but believe me, it really is).

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Look at that man. That grizzled determination. That sense of honour and value. That steel behind his eyes that tells you if you fuck with him you're going to be fucking destroyed. Yes ladies and germs, this is Stannis Motherfucking Baratheon and by the end of this article, if you aren't already, you will be bending the knee to the rightful king of Westeros. I admit, it's somewhat of a mystery to me why acceptance of Stannis is not universal. Some people actually support Daenerys Targaryen or the Lannisters or *shudder* the fucking Boltons. This is a slightly mystifying fact, until you realise that lots of people supported Hitler too.

I worry somewhat that those of you who aren't unequivocal in your Stannis love may be immune to facts. But for my king, I will commit myself to the task of conversion anyway. So come with me, and I shall bring you to enlightenment.

1. Stannis Baratheon is the rightful king.
Well let's not mince words here. Stannis is the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne. That's just a fact and don't let any low class blathering from those rotten Targaryen's change your mind. The king was Robert Baratheon, recognised by the seven kingdoms all the way to the Wall. Robert Baratheon had no legitimate children, due to the fact that Cersei Lannister pulled a Targaryen and mounted her brother a bunch of times. This fact is plain and admitted to. With no legitimate children of the king and queen's marriage, the throne passes to Robert Baratheon's eldest living sibling (sit the fuck down Renly you greedy little dickbag). That sibling is STANNIS BARATHEON (King of the Andals, the first men and your MOTHER).

So what arguments are brought to bear against this fact? Well, I can see one. "Stannis is boring and doesn't inspire loyalty among the people". Eat shit and fall into a fit of Dornish Vipers. Unfortunately, you fuckers don't get a vote. Stannis is a great leader and you all don't accept it because they are lowlife shallow troglodytes who want a song and dance charismatic leader. The people don't get a choice. They get Stannis and they will like it. Because legitimacy bitches. Luckily, they will like it because Stannis is a god among men.

2. Stannis Baratheon is the ruler Westeros NEEDS.
Let's take a look over the candidates for the throne shall we? Daenerys Targaryen makes misstep after misstep, can't decide whether she's Mother Theresa or The Iron Lady and misses obvious fucking leadership decisions like OPENING THE DAMN FIGHTING PITS. Yup, all those deaths are on her. Joffrey was a piece of shit psychopath. Tommen may be the sissiest little kitten bitch in Westeros. Jon Snow may be able to lead 100 men at a wall, but has shown nothing about managing the affairs of an entire kingdom and has no leadership background. Tywin, now there's a leader but unfortunately he's dead. If you think Cersei is a good ruler I've got some awesome timeshares to sell you and Roose Bolton is Roose Bolton.

Stannis stands for justice. Iron rigidity with unbreakable honour. The strength to hold the realm together, with the morality to do what's right. Who was the only leader to ride out against the White Walkers who are threatening the people of Westeros with eternal winter? Stannis. Who tolerates NO rape or pillaging by his armies and executes those who don't obey, even his own most loyal soldiers? Stannis. Who stands for true justice and not cronyism? Stannis. Who has the clearest head and makes his decisions based on the facts at hand without emotion or clouded personal judgement? STANNIS. Is that knee bending yet? Cause it should be. Westeros needs Stannis to put aside the political squabbles, unite the empire and face the Walkers. No one else has the stones.

3. Stannis Baratheon is a loyal family man.

Oh the feels. All the feels. Stannis Baratheon is not too cold to rule. This scene right here proves it. And if you need any more proof, Stannis stayed with his wife even though she only gave him one daughter who had a physical deformity. Other kings in Westeros would not have done the same. In the books... *Spoilers ahoy*

... Stannis acquires an army of 20,000 men after being endorsed by the Bank of Braavos and specifically leaves instructions that if he dies in battle, the army is to proceed south to place PRINCESS SHIREEN BARATHEON on the throne. Even though she is physically disabled, he is loyal to his daughter, sees her as the princess she is and that is a beautiful thing. He also sees his daughter as a legitimate heir, therefore showing he views women as the equals they are. This is also demonstrated in his strict stance against rape and the abuse of conquered women. Which brings us to...

4. Stannis Baratheon is a conqueror of pure fucking iron.
During the Baratheon revolt against the Targaryens, Stannis held Storm's End against Mace Tyrell's siege. He was forced to starve and survive on boot leather, but he fucking held. When the Onion Knight Davos Seaworth snuck him and his troops a shipment of onions, Stannis was loyal to Davos from that day forth, yet ALSO broke his fingers personally as punishment for his history as a pirate. Stannis shows loyalty AND justice and he doesn't waver.

In the Battle of Blackwater, Stannis was only defeated in his siege of Kings' Landing by a series of hideous coincidences. His ships were decimated by Tyrion's magic fire and Stannis said fuck that, we're landing anyway. He landed. And he kicked ass. And he would have won, if not for the exact precise arrival of Tywin and Tyrells from the rear.

Oh and let's point something out here. Stannis Baratheon was the FIRST man at the head of his army who stormed the wall. He was the FIRST man up the ladders and he kicked some almighty ass. No other king in Westeros has the stones to be the first man on the front lines like Stannis, and that's an inspirational leader right there.

5. NO. Stannis is NOT being manipulated by Melisandre.
Ugh. This argument. People like to paint Stannis as some zealot who's being led up the garden path by the red woman and her false promises. Well, let's see. How about no. If Stannis was on his knees worshipping the lord of light on blind faith alone and believing in prophecies and crap without evidence, you may have a point. But he doesn't. Stannis goes along with the Lord of Light stuff because it's been demonstrated to work many times over!

A smoke monster born of magic killed Renly Baratheon. Leeches with king's blood were directly followed by the deaths of the people he spoke of when he tossed them in the fire. The magic is real, direct and right in front of his eyes. He would be a fool NOT to go along with it, this shit works! And allow me to point to the aftermath of the Battle of Blackwater when Stannis was THIS close to strangling Melisandre to death for not delivering him a victory. She may have talked him down, but this scene demonstrates pretty clearly that the second the magic stops giving, Stannis is going to choke a bitch. Doesn't sound like a man under someone's thumb to me.

6. Stannis Baratheon is the greatest man alive.
He has the honor of Ned Stark without being blinded by it like he was. He has the military mind of Tywin Lannister and the bravery of Jon Snow. He stands up for the people of Westeros like Daenerys but doesnt make the same lacklustre decisions. He is battle tested and pure iron. He inspires his men with deed on the front lines. He stands for justice.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Blah blah five magic rings, blah blah five special young people. Blah blah Gaia lazy as fuck. Blah blah Earth's greatest champion Captain Planet. Let's get to it. Hopefully this one is more like Episode Two and less like Episode One.

A random Asian villager is leading a buffalo through woods. What for? Who the fuck knows. This show is the absolute best at giving no background or explanation to fucking anything. And just as I'm thinking that, a fucking dragon beast starts tearing up the woods. Okay WTF? It's a literal dragon. It breathes fire and shit. I'm betting this turns out to be some sort of robot, but it looks NOTHING like one. It looks and moves like no giant robot dragon could ever move and look. So either it's a terrible nonsensical machine, or its a fucking dragon in a show that's supposed to be about down to Earth saving the actual planet. The villager gets away, because obviously this show can't show people dying as much as I cross my fingers for it.

A fucking dragon beast. Because realism.

"What could be causing this destruction Gaia?"

"YOU must find the answer to this question, Planeteers". Gaia responds, ever so predictably. The 'I've got some serious boozing to do' is left off. So she actually knows what's really happening but she wont tell the Planeteers? She truly is an epic bitch from deep in the heart of 'Nam.

Gi has a friend in Thailand apparently. They go visit him and he tells them about the dragon beast. I am still agape at this whole development. It's destroying the crops for God's sake! OH THE HUMANITY! OH BUT WAIT. We zoom out. There are two familiar faces watching and listening in! We cut away to our...

ECO SUPER VILLAIN OF THE WEEEEEEEK!

Wait. It's fucking Hoggish Greedly. Again. They're recycling villains already?! Fuck this is going to be a long goddamn season. So it seems that this time his porky plan is to spook the villagers with the dragon beast so that they leave, then he's going to fucking strip mine the place for rubies. Pretty caring plan if you ask me. If he was really evil he'd just murderise them all. The dragon beast attacks the Planeteers. I'm still baffled by all of this. Gi tried to put out the fire but she fails. Kwame does the same and fails. CALL CAPTAIN PLANET YOU MORONS! Oh wait... they actually do. They call Captain Planet. Well, shut me up.

Captain Planet dives into a river, proclaiming "What's a nice guy like me doing in a DIVE like this?" Oh Captain Planet. You're the wittiest witbag who ever witted. He redirects the river and solves the forest fire, draining the existing river and no doubt killing thousands of fish. Eco warrior indeed. So this shit seems to be solved and we're only 10 minutes in! Maybe we're going be spared the next half! But NO! No such luck!

Wheeler hits on Linka in the dark woods, because it wouldnt be an episode of Captain Planet if we didn't have some sexual harrassment by the eco warriors. All of a sudden, Wheeler is cock blocked by the dragon beast. Wheeler - "Let me show you what we do to evil spirits where I come from." Wait, New York City has a policy on dealing with evil spirits that involves magic rings with the power of fire? That must be pretty deep in the city's records. Wheeler uses fire on the dragon who breathes fire, who ever so shockingly turns out to be fireproof. WHODA THUNK IT. You know, this show is making it so damn incredibly hard to cheer for its protagonists who include whiny fuckwit Ma-Ti and sexual harrassment Wheeler with a side of INCOMPETENT MORONS.

So, Hoggish Greedly has a pink plane with a pig snout. It does nothing to endear him to me. It picks up the dragon beast and Wheeler. Hey look at that, the dragon beast is actually a strip mining machine. So I was right after all. Probably best if we ask minimal questions about this because I think my cerebellum would disintegrate if I did so. Ma-Ti tries to sense where Wheeler is BUT EVIL THOUGHTS BLOCK HIS VISION. LoL Heart Ring.

Trolling Ma-Ti Count: Four.

Greedly sends out the baffling dragon beast robot to fight the Planeteers. To nobody's surprise, Wheeler gets rescued and sneaks off yadda yadda kindergarten plot. Gi washes Greedly away in a flood of water. Captain Planet gets a second summoning in one episode and traps the dragon beast in some vines. "I'm feeling VINE how about you?" he says. Lucky there isnt a loaded gun present or I would fear for my own continued existence on this planet.

Greedly pulls himself out of the river and runs away. You know, these eco villains sure aren't facing any real justice. They're just allowed to leave with no real consequences. Which is funny, but at the same time terrible cause it no doubt means more Greedly episodes in the future.

Episode Three Pollute-O-Meter: This episode sucked a giant fat ecological dong. Seriously, it was horrible. Nothing made sense, Greedly sucked, and the Planeteers made me want to dig my eyes out with a spoon. Please, if we're recycling villains, let there be some Verminous Skumm next episode.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

EPISODE TWO: 'Rain of Terror' aka. Save the animals! Except the rats!
Immediately, we find ourselves at an abandoned factory. The structure of the first two episodes seems to be fairly identical as in episode one we got introduced to Hoggish Greedly right off the bat. And whilst I wasn't overly impressed with OTT pig man, could today be a different story? We'll soon find out as we meet our...

ECO SUPER VILLAIN OF THE WEEEEEEEEEK!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Verminous Skumm. Yes, once again, the writers really aren't leaving much to the imagination with these fucking names. "HE'S BAD! IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME! NYUK NYUK! VERMINOUS. GET IT?! CAUSE HE'S A RAT!" He bursts straight through the Earth in some sort of admittedly fairly neat drilling tunneler vehicle. He has some rat henchmen with him too. And he goes right to work in winning my heart.

"The stinkin environmentalists had the place closed down, cause it was pollutin too much! Some people just got no appreciation for filth." Skumm proclaims. And immediately, it just feels right. His voice is wry and understated. A quick inspection makes my heart begin to pound as I find he is being voiced by JEFF GOLDBLUM (!!!). The sense of being a caricature of villainy is completely gone here as you just feel that this rat knows exactly why he's doing what he's doing and feels totally justified in it. And he's not OTT at all.

Now, of course, the show offers us fucking zero of the history or backstory of Verminous, but just because he's so endeared himself to me already, I'm going to make up the likeliest story. Verminous, being a half man/half rat hybrid, was probably not the most popular kid. Most likely he was ostracised, beaten, looked down upon or much worse. Who knows what sort of trauma was inflicted on him by those xenophobic goddamn humans. After having his dignity stripped from him repeatedly, Verminous decided that humans were pieces of shit and undertook a campaign of ECO VIOLENCE, to show them just what rats can do. And I'm ON BOARD. You go, Verminous. We deserve it.

So Verminous and his rat soldiers take over the factory and start burning some coal. Apparently their plan is to add a chemical to the burning and make a cloud of ACID RAIN which will totally pollute a nearby city and show those fuckwits who's boss. Any plan with acid f'n rain in it is a plan I can totally get behind.

On with the episode!

The planeteers are training on some lame obstacle course. Wheeler is perving on Linka again. They use their powers to make sure the other people lose the race, demonstrating their maturity once again. Kwame knocks Gi off the top of the wall with his Earth power and she seems okay with it because he catches her. I would be like "Bitch, I could have been killed you mother fucking turd bag!" but apparently I'm no Gi. Ma-Ti sucks at everything and falls in mud and is laughed at by the other Planeteers in another great exercise of team building by making fun of the weak South American kid.

Ma-Ti trolling count: 2

OH BUT HOLD THE PHONE! Fucking Gaia appears in a vision in midair to send the Planeteers on a mission she again doesn't want to do shit about herself. Ma-Ti has a whine. "You would all be better off without me" he says. Well, I can't really argue with him, he's the turd with the power of heart and we've already established that's a joke power if there ever was one. Lazy Gaia stays awake just long enough to tell them about Verminous Skumm.

"He's an exterminators nightmare" Wheeler says, demonstrating the very xenophobia that is motivating Verminous' campaign of vengeance. Of course, no one thinks about Verminous Skumm's point of view at all. They're all just like, BAD RAT MAN! ACID RAIN! BEAT HIM UP ALREADY!

So the mission begins and FUCKING MA-TI IS STILL WHINING LIKE A BITCH. He takes off his heart ring (likely because its shit) and ostensibly quits the Planeteers, sitting his ass on the plane while his teammates put their ass on the line. Serves them right for treating him like shit I suppose, but fuck this whole thing is just endless bitching from Ma-Ti and he drains my sympathy in even quicker time than a sexual encounter with Scarlett Johansson.

"As the old saying goes, into every life a little ACID RAIN must fall" - Scumm says, and my heart melts a little inside. Skumm's minions shoot toxic waste out of guns at the Planeteers. Wheeler decides to use his fire to burn it up but it just ends up fuelling the acid rain cloud. Epic fail. This episode is definitely way better than the first one. Awesome villain, and he's actually winning.

Unfortunately, the rats take the Planeteers prisoner instead of killing them, unfortunately prolonging the agony of this series. Ma-Ti still cowers on the plane like a bitch. Ma-Ti FEELS HIS FRIENDS FEELINGS with the heart ring. Holy shit, that's useful! Especially cause he's already seen them imprisoned on his magical screen of omniscience and anyone with half a brain could probably have guessed without a fucking heart ring that they're probably DISTRESSED AND IN NEED OF HELP! So the heart ring does nothing useful to help him at all, because Ma-Ti grows a miniature set of balls and sneaks in in an oil drum and rescues his friends. Gaia wakes back up and appears in another useless vision to tell him that with the power of heart Ma-Ti can make it.

Trolling Ma-Ti count: 3.

Lazy ass Gaia appears from a nap to see how badly her illegal child army is fucking up.

Meanwhile, the prevailing wind is set to blow the acid rain cloud towards UNIDENTIFIED CITY! OH NO! So the Planeteers summon captain planet, which they probably should have fucking done in the first place. I'm guessing this is going to become a pattern. Planeteers fuck around without Captain Planet and fail, summon Captain Planet and succeed. Logic would maybe dictate that they should just summon the fucking blue monstrosity from the get go, but as we've seen, logic is not this show's strong point.

OH WOW! The acid rain totally takes out a farm! Score one for Skumm! "Now that's entertainment!" Scumm laughs in his awesome understated diabolical snicker. The best thing is, the farm is not mentioned or shown for the rest of the episode, so Verminous takes a victory here! Totally acid rained the fuck out of that farm! Yeah!

Captain Planet blows the cloud away. Yawn. Then he dissipates it with some deus ex machina mineral deposit. Sigh.

"Hey you! Get offa my cloud!" Skumm says. He tried to blast Captain Planet with a big tank gun, but Captain Planet ties it in a knot and finally, Skumm runs away. At least he didn't get captured and he's likely to be back. I love that guy.

"The real hero is Ma-Ti" says Captain Planet. UM, WHAT?! I CALL BULLSHIT. He whined and bitched the entire episode. He did fucking nothing except hide on a plane while his friends were fighting on the front lines. No, Ma-Ti you are not a hero. You are a Grade A bitch, with the bitchiest bitch power of them all and a fucking useless monkey. Captain Planet immediately goes straight to my shitlist for this completely delusional appraisal of the situation.

Apparently, this is what a hero looks like. Looks more like a whiny bitch to me.

Our episode finally ends, as we get another tasty eco tip about recycling or something. I don't know, I stopped paying attention after Skumm lost. Admittedly, this episode was MUCH better than episode one. Verminous Skumm is fantastic, and Jeff Goldblum does an amazing job with him. Plus, he's totally justified in polluting against those humans that treated him like shit. Make peace with rats goddammit. They're people too.

Episode Two Pollute-O-Meter: This episode is totally carbon neutral. Because the noise pollution of Ma-Ti's bitching was cancelled out by Verminous Skumm's beautiful voice acting.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Oh yes. The power is mine alright. The power to RANT about this goddamn show!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an event so gigantic that it dwarfs the solar system itself. Welcome to me recapping the entire first season of CAPTAIN PLANET AND THE PLANETEERS. The year is 1990. I am four years old, and apparently the world needs to be taught a valuable lesson about environmentalism. And they need to be taught it IN CARTOON FORM. By this blue fuckwit with green hair. Yes, this is the show that taught us all such valuable lessons as PIGS ARE EVIL. SO ARE RATS. Oh, and the power of heart is truly the most useless fucking power in the world.

Episode One: A Hero For Earth (aka 'Gaia, the lazy bitch goddess').

We begin in a tranquil woodland environment. Rabbits are frolicking oh so happily with all the woodland creatures. AND THEN FUCKING WHAM! GIANT MECHANICAL ROBOT WALKER BITCHES. To my chagrin, the bunny narrowly avoids getting crushed. A bunch of trees however, do not. In the cockpit of said Star Wars-esque AT-AT is a bizarre pigman hybrid in a brown jacket. He is very amused with his crushing and snorts to himself, "With this giant landblaster, I'll be able to drill for oil anywhere!"

I immediately see that subtlety is not going to be this show's strong point.

The subtlety gets nuked even further as his chuckling skinny sidekick remarks, "Yeah boss, yeah! Even in this wildlife sanctuary!" Oh shit. Well, I think it may be safe to assume Mr Hogman is not one of the Planeteers referenced in the title. If he is though, I will immediately retract any forthcoming criticisms about this show. But nope, Mr. Hogman is in fact our very first...

ECO SUPER VILLAIN OF THE WEEEEEEEEK.

His name is Hoggish Greedly. His name alone has Captain Obvious, sitting in his ivory tower of obvious, going "That's a little bit on the nose don't you think?" He is some pig/man hybrid for reasons that are not addressed nor explained. He enjoys drilling for oil, making a shit ton of money and the worst puns and one-liners on the face of the Earth. "I'll be in hog heaven!" he says as he drills the fuck out of the wildlife sanctuary. As a connoissuer of villainy, I will be paying close attention each week in this feature to see if there are any evil-doers on this show that I can actually get behind. Yes, you heard me correctly, I'm trying to see if I can cheer for villains in a show about saving the planet. We are not off to a good start though as Captain Caricature in his Caricature Hide-out takes one look at Hoggish Greedly and says "I think he's too much of a caricature for me."

Back to the episode!

So, apparently, the drilling into the Earth causes a single droplet of water to fall onto the head of this sleeping ninny.

Yup, Gaia, the spirit and mother of the DAMN PLANET has seen fit to take a hundred year kip. PERFECT time to do it too, in the very century with the invention of modern warfare, nuclear testing, huge scale mining, rainforest deforestation and PRETTY MUCH EVERY FORM OF POLLUTION EVER. Great choice, fucknuts. My sympathy for you is already ruined and its the third minute of episode one. She turns on her screen, sees the planet getting ruined and asks,

"What's a mother to do?"

Well, my first answer would probably be to get off your ass, use your powers and fix the problem but NO. ALAS. I have underestimated the sheer laziness of Gaia. She instead decides FUCK THIS SHIT, LET'S GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT. And who are the most reliable, trustworthy and emotionally stable individuals I can get for this crucial task?

TEENAGERS!!!

Yup. Gaia decides to save the planet by giving some magic weapons to her own child soldier army, which I'm sure violates at least seven different Geneva conventions. But hey, at least she is racially diverse in her selections! In fact, each chosen child soldier is from a different corner of the world entirely! We have Wheeler, the ginger sex maniac from America (where else?). Gi, the trout lover from Asia. Kwame, the honest soilworker from Africa. Linka, the feisty kickass chick from the Soviet Union. Oh, and Ma-Ti the poor South American boy who has been chosen as the target of the biggest practical joke in history by being given the HEART RING OF UTTER USELESSNESS. And watch as he gets endlessly trolled throughout the entire series by people telling him its the greatest power of all when really all he can do is talk to a monkey.

Now, it's so obvious who is given which elemental power that I'm not even going to bother explaining it. If you can't figure it out, then I'm sorry, but you have a poorer intellectual ability than a discomobulated amoeba.

That's it Ma-Ti! Use your heart power! Maybe this time it'll do all those things we promised it would! *snicker*

So yeah, Gaia is a horrendous incompetent bitch who gets children to put themselves in mortal peril to do the work she should be doing herself. Oh, and she's terrible at selecting people for the task too as Wheeler immediately shows himself to be more interested in getting in Linka's pants than saving the Earth. Oh this is going to go well. And yup just as I mentioned before, Gaia immediately tells Ma-Ti how great the power of heart is, and that without him all the other powers are useless. Apart from the fact that everyone else just did a bunch of cool shit with their power rings that Ma-Ti had fucking nothing to do with.

Trolling Ma-Ti Count: One.

Kwame, the sensible one, says "I think it's a good idea if we practise with our new powers!" Well, I can't really argue with that one Kwame. But apparently Gaia can as she SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN and says there's no time for that! They need to get out there and fight now, with no idea what they're doing! Because, child endangerment! WHAT THE HELL?! Oh dear lord Gaia, Hoggish Greedly is looking more appealing by the second. Oh, and then Gaia gives these untrained teenagers with no control over their powers A PLANE TO FLY. Fucking wench from hell. Of course, their powers then almost destroy the plane and get them all killed. Apparently its okay though, because Gi explains that she's got her driver's license, so flying a fucking plane should be no problem. I'm glad we cleared that one up.

The untrained teenagers decide a full frontal assault on Hoggish Greedly's AT-AT is a solid move, and he sprays them with oil from a big hose. To be honest, compared to Gaia's bullshit, that may be one of the least dastardly things we see in this episode. So the plane is about to crash, Gaia is nowhere to be found and some kids are about to die. But of course they don't, because they work out how to use their powers in the nick of time! No thanks to bitchface Gaia back in her sleepytime village. Hoggish Greedly just wants to be left alone to his polluting (and who can blame the guy?) and so he threatens to blast some animals with oil if the Planeteers don't fuck off. Yup, still not as evil as Gaia.

Instead of leaving, the Planeteers decide to combine their powers and OH SHIT. ITS BLUE FACE WITH HIS TIGHT RED UNDIES. Captain Planet for short. Hoggish takes one look at this guy and for some reason decides to flee. I guess the tightness of Captain Planet's underwear was too much for him. In what I'm guessing is going to become an unfortunate recurring structural protocol, Captain Planet miraculously sucks all the pollution away and kicks the bad guy's ass. Really, all Greedly even did was spill some oil and try to make a buck. Poor hog man. BP has done a ton worse and I don't see anyone destroying their machinery and beating the top brass up.

BUT OH WAIT! Greedly has a secret plan. He proclaims to Captain Tightpants "If I can't drill ya, I'll WASTE ya!" And for a moment I don't even want to think about what he means by that. But then he pulls out his hose and sprays goop all over Captain Planet. Yeah, this is suitable for children. Apparently, the super hero whose sole purpose is to clean up pollution is vulnerable when he comes into contact with pollution. That seems like a large design flaw that someone shouldn't have overlooked. So long story short, Captain Planet is saved at the last minute by the Planeteers and cleaned off with water which restores his powers, and I want to spray toxic waste of my own at every single writer who was involved in this turd.

Captain Planet busts up Greedly's AT-AT, causes millions of dollars of property damage and wins the day, sending us the important message that if someone is doing something you don't like, just blow up their stuff and beat them up! Episode One mercifully comes to an end as the Planeteers clean up the wildlife sanctuary, safe in the knowledge that while they're putting their ass on the line, Gaia is having a nap and neglecting her duty.

GOOOOOO PLANET!

Episode One 'Pollute-O-Meter': This episode was like a turd floating in the bath-tub. It didn't really do any lasting damage, but I'll be damned if I wanna get near it or have to fish it out ever again.