(turns radio off) Rock on, eh? Um. Here's the floor, there's lots of rust holes in it. That's cause in Canada they put lots of salt on the road and sidewalks and it gets on our boots eh and then when we get in the van it rubs off but mixes with the water from the slush and snow and mutates the iron into rust, eh!

Bob

They don't use salt in all of Canada, cause in some places it gets too cold for it to melt the ice.

Doug

Oh, Mister Wizard here thinks he knows everything. Take off.

Bob

You're supposed to be givin' a tour of the van!

Doug

Okay, what else is there I'm supposed to show? More rust?

Bob

Yeah!

Doug

No, take off. I'm picking another topic.

Bob

I think we're out of space.

Doug

This is all your fault, for locking us out!

Bob

I didn't lock us out, and you didn't even notice the back doors were still open!

Doug

Okay, well it doesn't matter, we got our beers and we're gonna be home soon to drink them.

Here's a message to all beer stores: let us drink beer there! Sometimes you get to the beer store and you put your empties on the counter and the guy behind it says "hey, some of these still have beer in them" cause like your hoseheaded brother jams the caps back on them when he's done eh? And then you discover that not all of them were jammed back on but they were actually unopened and full of beer and you didn't notice so then you have to finish them off there or otherwise you won't get the ten cents back but the guy behind the counter gets mad and if you try to drink them outside the cops might see you and have you arrested, eh?

Bob

I'm not hoseheaded.

Doug

And another thing, get rid of the twist-off caps, eh? Cause like once you've opened ten or twenty of them you've scraped your hand and everything and then it's too hard to open any more. And plus who in Canada doesn't carry a church key to open beers?

Bob

I heard about this one hockey player who was put on the injured list cause he had a thumb infection caused by opening too many twist-off beers, eh?

Doug

Oh yeah? HEY, LOOK OUT!! (Bob slams on the brakes again)

Bob

Wha? What'd I hit?

Doug

Nothing, just testing your reflexes again.

Bob

Geez. Next time I'm goin' to the beer store alone.

Doug

So here we are in the van, driving around looking for a donut place. Fortunately, we live in Canada so like there's a donut place every few hundred metres along the road, eh? (they arrive at a donut place)

Bob

Yeah, the hard part is finding a parking space.

Doug

It'd be easier if it weren't for all the cops here. There's a parking space.

Bob

Take off. That's in front of a fire hydrant. The cops would tow us for sure!

Doug

Yeah, no point risking all the empties in the back. Keep driving around and I'll tell stories.

Bob

Okay.

Doug

So uh... I need a topic.

Bob

Fire hydrants.

Doug

Okay. So why can't I park next to one, eh? Fire engines are huge, you would think the driver of one would just plow over a vehicle blocking their path, eh?

Bob

We need a fire engine.

Doug

Why?

Bob

So we can drive around with the lights flashing and go through red lights and run over parked cars, eh?

Doug

Yeah. That'd be great. There's a spot. (points at an empty space)

Bob

(pulls into the space) What do you want?

Doug

Get something with jelly in it.

Bob

Okay. Keep talking, I'll be right back. (gets out of the van and goes in the store)

Doug

We need power locks in this van. (he locks his door, then reaches over and locks Bob's, too) I bet he's gonna come back with a box and there's only gonna be ten donuts in there and he'll try to tell me that the girl behind the counter must have put eleven donuts instead of twelve in there by mistake, and then...

SFX

Bob pounds on Doug's door

Doug

YAAA!!!

Bob

(almost inaudible behind the glass) Let me in!

Doug

Wha? Geez, you scared me.

Bob

(still inaudible) Let me in, you nobk!

Doug

Wha? Oh, geez. (rolls down the window, at which point Bob reaches in and tries to pull Doug's coat over his head) Hey, what the?!! Get out!

Bob

That's for lockin' me out!

Doug

(unlocking Bob's door) Naw, it wasn't me! You must have locked the door when you got out, eh!

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! So like if you have it then watch all our classic Great White North moments, and if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.