A wife's personal experience of infidelity

It is all for My Good!

Initially, in the aftermath of discovering my husband’s affair, I had periods of joyous jubilation. Somewhere over the past 2 years, I lost that.

In the first month after the affair, I knew I would never be with my ex again because of his choices and his decisions. When I found out he had also been contacting an ex girlfriend regularly for a period of 4 years and when I began to find his emails and Facebook conversations and read how inappropriately his conversations and contacts with other women had been during our marriage, I knew I wanted nothing to do with this man ever again. All trust was broken beyond repair.

I was confident that God revealed to me the truth about my ex’s behaviour because God would not allow my ex to make a mockery of our marriage and because he knew I deserved way better. God is slow to anger and I suspect that over the last 4 years and probably longer he gave my ex a lot of opportunities to repent. As devastating and painful as the realization of my ex’s behaviour and lack of love and respect for me and our children was to me, I trusted in God’s plan for my life. God gave me my husband and now he was removing him from my life. I held on to one of my favourite scriptures:

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I had loved my life and always considered my life up until this point completely blessed. I was content with everything I had and every situation in my life. Even in difficult and challenging situations I trusted God’s wisdom and the direction of my life. I had confidence in everything that happened. So even with, what to me seemed like the worst thing that could happen in my life, I was excited with what God had in store for me next. It had been so good up until this point I had fun imagining what God had planned for me next–maybe I’ll move (Australia was calling me at the time), maybe I’ll do this or that, maybe I’ll meet this person, etc. and etc. It was very exciting to imagine all that I could and would do now that I was no longer attached to one person and their career path. I could finally do the things I had dreamed. The things my husband knew I wanted to do but that he never encouraged or supported .

I wrote in a journal all the blessings that God continued to give me post affair. When my ex made decision after decision to financial crush me and to turn away from his relationship with our children, I held on to all of the new relationships, opportunities and financial gifts that seemed to just land in my lap and that benefited both me and my kids.

However, over the past year and a half, had difficulty seeing God’s promise. I was feeling harmed and I had difficulty imagining a prosperous and hopeful future. The endless divorce process, my financial situation, our living situation, the needs of my children, the demands of everyday responsibilities that I have to carry alone, the nastiness of my ex; the weight of these challenges buried me. Fear for me and my children sometimes consumed me.

The worst thing I can do is focus on my loss. It is a struggle to not be bitter against my ex for leading our family into financial ruin. The loss of security and stability for me and my kids by selling our family home is one decision that haunts me as well as the decision to sign our mediation agreement when I knew the numbers didn’t make sense. If I had just taken a day and asked to see Dave’s lawyer’s calculations, the $100,000 error against me would have been obvious. Trusting that Dave would even follow through on a mediation agreement was a mistake. It was a huge mistake to enter into an agreement with someone who has consistently been proven to be dishonest and untrustworthy. The same character that allowed him to pursue an affair and treat me and our kids with distain is the same character that made it okay with him to cheat me and his children out of responsibilities he legally owed as well as actions he ethically and in good-conscience should have manned up and handled. I had a lot of thoughts of, “God, how could this be your plan for prospering me and giving me hope and a future?”

There have been very valuable life and spiritual lessons over the last 2 years. Being this uncomfortable has had life-changing benefits that I wouldn’t want to give up but I also no longer want to keep enduring. I kept telling myself and others that I just need to hang on until my youngest is finished high school–“Just 4 more years, just 3 more years…” That was when I felt we would have the freedom to leave and do whatever we wanted. But I am ready to claim everything good that the universe and God have in store for me now, I don’t want to wait. I can’t wait. It may be my plan to have my daughter finish high school here for her benefit but I choose to have the mindset that making that decision is a good choice for me as well. I decided to start claiming all that is good and available for me now.

On my way to the hospital yesterday morning I decided that I was not going to pay for parking. I think it is $2.50 for 2 hours. I said out loud, “Someone is going to give me their parking ticket that hasn’t expired yet because I am not paying for parking today.” I turned into the hospital driveway and I made contact with every vehicle driver on their way out. No one offered me a ticket. So I parked and headed over to the parking meter. This is the sign that was taped to the meter:

I smiled so wide. I laughed all the way into the hospital and of course I thanked God.

Then today when I picked my daughter up from dance we went to Starbucks. I had received one of those star challenges that said I would receive 50 bonus stars if I bought the 3 things I buy most: my latte, breakfast sandwich and my daughter’s Frappuccino. We ordered but they were all out of the breakfast sandwich that was specified in the challenge. The barista apologized and asked if I wanted something different or did I just want a refund. I told the barista that I wasn’t really hungry but was just ordering it to get my bonus stars. The barista said that instead of refunding me the four dollars and a bit of change that she would keep my order so I would get my bonus points and then she gave me two gift cards for $4/each. I proceeded to tell my daughter about the gift I received yesterday with the parking and now this unexpected gift today. Thank you again, God.

These may seem like tiny rewards but asking for these, acknowledging receiving them, and being grateful for these gifts puts it in my consciousness that I am ready and open to be lifted from my current position and placed in a better situation right now. I know I have been so focused on “just staying here until my youngest is finished high school” that I have literally been “just staying here.” This awareness affirms what I know in my heart and has brought that joyful, excited feeling back into my thinking.

When I reassess, I am happier with my current living situation much more so than I was at the last place I rented. The last place was better than the place before that. I definitely had thankfulness and gratitude for each place but when circumstances outside of my control forced me to move I became fearful and uncertain that we would find some place new to live. I longed for stability. I am now reminded that although my constant moving doesn’t feel like stability the biggest life lesson I learned during these 4 years is that worldly stability is false. My stability and security comes from God and his love, his promises, his truth. That is my solid foundation, not a house. So although it may cause some initial discomfort, I am back trusting and remembering that every move, every shift, every gift is all for my good moving me to a better place in life!

I just found your blog yesterday and have being reading through your post and the comments. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I mean WTF!!! My heart aches for you. I do not know how you have survived this with your sanity in tack. I am 4 years out from DDay now with a truly remorseful husband who has went above and beyond to help me heal and do anything he can to right his wrong, which is impossible! I cant not imagine having to deal with someone who only continued to cause so much hurt and pain! He is definitely the text book definition of a narc!

I hate these ignorant people that spew the “Just get over it already” I don’t believe we ever get over it! And I hope everyone who has said that has to go through it one day to understand…although I really hate to wish this much pain on anyone. It has been unbearable most days for me. I continue to get worse over the years, not better. Time hasn’t healed shit! I guess maybe in the beginning I was in shock and denial for a long time, then when I finally realized this was my reality and it had really happened, I had hope we could get through it but I am not healing my heart hurts everyday!!! I have done everything to heal – NOTHING works!

Your ex is a douche and he will get what he has coming to him one day and so will the Homewrecker! What goes around comes around!

The Homewrecker in my case – her life is now falling apart! She was my friend and neighbor for many years and at my house every single day for years. I never imagined she would do this to me. I especially never thought my H would do this. It’s so hard to acccept and I imagine I never will. Well I just wanted to comment to say I am sorry you are dealing with this and his continued abuse! I understand how much the infidelity hurts and you are strong to have gone through that plus everything else you have had to endure! Sending you love and hugs! God Bless You!

Thank you so much for your empathy and understanding. People have no idea until they go through it and you have clearly gone through it. I feel like your situation is even more painful with it being a friend who participated in the betrayal with your husband. To have someone be a friend to your face, maybe even allowing you to disclose details about your husband and marriage to her, and then behind your back be your enemy must add to the sting.

I continue to hold a higher onus of responsibility on the “other woman”. It perpetuates the way men get away with things and I think women need to support women and demand better for all of us. They are the ones that definitely deserve it back multiplied. It is the most selfish of all women who can do this and I believe that they are insecure and self-loathing to even consider engaging with a married man. It doesn’t surprise me that your ex-friend’s life is falling apart. Not getting the man in the end and losing your friendship in the process must underscore for her that she is a real loser. I hope she has a conscious and I hope she lives a better life as a result. I hope that she could even go to you with an apologize and do whatever she needs to do to help you heal but courage and ownership may not be a typical “other woman” characteristic. I don’t know how Janice Andrews, the other woman in my life, can even sit in front of my kids and pretend to care about them or think that they care to have any relationship with her. It has been almost 5 years and my kids were just talking to me about the pain they still carry.

I can imagine how difficult it is for you to carry on in your marriage because I imagined it many times. I feel it is the greatest example of love that you can give to your husband especially because you continue to hurt every day. You are a very admirable woman. I hope that your husband knows that and makes you feel that way everyday. I hope he lives with gratitude and generosity towards you because your grace is the only thing that is saving him from himself and bad choices.

I wish you continued healing and I thank you so much for taking the time to share your comments here. xoxoxoxoxo….

Oh girl! I so agree about the OW! Aren’t we as women supposed to stick together? If men didn’t have these slutty women to cheat with there would be no cheating. I don’t know why but I hold the women to a higher standard when it comes to affairs? But me and you seem to be in the minority on this perception! Everyone wants to blame the H and say the OW was just a victim too!!! I be damned!!!! My OW was the one who pursued my H and was very persistent. And like you said with her being my friend she the inside scoop on our life’s and knew what my H liked so she knew how to finally ease her way in! I think her part in it all of it is a big part of my non healing. Who does that to there friend?

Thank you for responding and all the kind words! I hope you have a good week!
So does your ex still try to post here on your blog?

We have very little contact but every now and then he goes on an email rant to me. He says he never reads the blog anymore but then he will quote something so I know he does. I haven’t had any obvious or bizarre comments lately so he and Janice and whoever else was involved, if they still read, at least seem to realize their involvement back fired.

I got triggered a few months back because of the OW. She text me saying some horrible things and calling me awful names because she had heard I said something bad about her. Really?? C’mon!! Of course I have said bad things about her what does she expect?

See we had a very, very close neighborhood. Always having neighborhood get togethers with cookouts, volleyball and horseshoe tournaments etc. Always helping each other out. Just a big friendly neighborhood. And her being my friend she knew my schedule. So of course my neighbors noticed things. After the fact they told me what they had seen that she had started coming to my house when I wasn’t home and she would just walk in my house and in a matter of seconds my H would leave and within a few minutes she would come out and walk back to her home. They said they knew what was up, that she was after him and he was avoiding it. Then the day came when she came down to our house and that he didn’t leave. They knew in their gut what was going on and didn’t know what to do or how to tell me.

The slutty OW was also telling one of my other neighbors and friend all the details of their affair. And this friend never even gave me a hint of what was going on until after it came out. I did ask her several questions but I ended up just screaming and yelling at her and threatening her and haven’t even talked to her sense. She moved out of the neighborhood within a few weeks of that. Oh, so did the whore!

Just so many people betrayed me!!! Just to much to process just too much evidence that she pursued him and I cant help but think if she hadn’t pursued him it never would have happened but yea he still shouldn’t have did it! I don’t know just struggling lately thanks for letting me vent!!!

Ugh! My ex had the nerve to try and shame me for telling the OW’s husband she was having an affair with my husband. The OW’s husband still didn’t know 3 months after I found out. I felt so badly for him. The spouse certainly has the right to know. My husband tried to tell me that if the OW’s husband commits suicide from the new his blood is on my hands.

I think when people are involved in deceit and cover ups their thinking has already been skewed somewhere along the way. They don’t know what is morally correct or how to behave conscientiously. They don’t know how to act on truth. When someone else does, their thinking is so messed up they accuse anyone who reveals their truth as the one in the wrong.

Neighbours, friends, and family that turn blind eyes don’t want to be involved or held responsible in anyway for shedding light on the matter. It is easier for them to do nothing except possibly gossip. I am glad your neighbourhood is getting a bit of a cleansing. It is my hope that anyone new who moves in and anyone who stays are there to support you and your husband and help to build you back up. You need to be surrounded by a support system who is for you, not against you, and certainly not willing to tear you down and apart. I want so much for there to be people in your life you can trust 100% and who have proven themselves to you time and time again. Those are the people who can help you see clearly on those days you are blinded by tears and when you can’t trust a single word anyone says or does because look where that got you the last time you trusted.

Amen Sister! So it was your fault for telling him, not their fault at all for having the affair! That’s so crazy!!! I’m so glad you got away from him.
I have heard some crazy things these cheaters have said from the blog world. I guess mine said a few stupid things too in the beginning but he snapped out of the affair fog pretty quick once I found out and was scrambling to make it right so I wouldn’t leave. I just don’t see how any of us have stayed with the cheaters but I don’t think many of us have stayed.

You know in the beginning of this I followed several blogs of those who have been betrayed and working to save the marriage but none of those seem to post anymore. And after years of trying to reconcile even with the cheater trying so hard, they ended up leaving anyway or they are living separate lives and in separate bedrooms. I just cant seem to find any hope in all this.

It’s just crazy what these jerks do to us whether we stay or go its hard no matter what and it is what is.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say just rambling I guess 🙂 just been struggling. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore 🙂

I appreciate your dilemma very much. The blogs I read from people staying made me think my path has been easier at least from an emotional aspect. My challenges mostly became all of the physical realities from my ex’s decision making that were out of my control and that all pertained to hugely negative financial consequences.

My ex had no remorse and he is still with the OW today. I don’t want anyone to be with me who doesn’t want to be with me. He chose to start a relationship with another woman on all levels. I had no desire for him after that. I felt like everything we built was just an illusion. There was nothing real to hang on to. The way he continued to be so angry and hateful towards me and so neglectful to his responsibilities with his kids and their needs made it very easy for me to not look back.

The only way that I think I could truly be able to stay and go forward in my marriage, would be to feel that my husband was truly remorseful, not because he got caught but because he is so regretful for what he destroyed. I would need to know that he feels the pain he caused and that causes him pain in return. It sounds like you believe your husband is remorseful. I would want to believe that he is so broken he would never do this again but I wonder if doubt, fear and mistrust would creep in all the time. I would want to believe that he is going to go out of his way to make sure he is leading the marriage in all areas–open communication about feelings, needs, struggles, etc. I would have to trust that my husband does want to be with me and only me. I wouldn’t want to feel that he is staying because it is easier for him than leaving, ie: he is staying because he can’t afford to leave, the other woman dumped him, he is afraid to be alone, etc. I would need my husband to come to terms with why he did what he did and I would need to understand the reason so I could do everything on my end to help ensure it doesn’t happen again. I know we shouldn’t ‘have to but if there is an area of weakness that he needs to grow in I would do what I could to help. My husband would have to take full responsibility for his actions and he better not try to blame me for anything.

In the end, I would have to choose forgiveness. I would have to choose to love him again. Love keeps no records of wrongs. That is a hard one. I would have to make a decision to never bring it up again or throw it in his face in anger. Neither partner can ever escape it though. You will watch a TV show or movie and it will be a theme, You will watch the news and it will be a story. It will be a scandal on the cover of a magazine. It will be everywhere and you may relive your emotions again and again. Hopefully that will pull you closer together because he is going to be reliving the shame and guilt.

I understand that “Nothing” is working to heal you. I am confident there is nothing more painful to the soul than betrayal. The wound is so deep that scar will never go away. I think the only hope we have is through spiritual and mindful thinking and living. For me, Christianity is huge. Trying to know Jesus as a man and what he experienced with betrayal and then trying to understand his spiritual response for my greater good needs to be my focus more than hanging on to the betrayal. Jesus asked God to forgive them because they didn’t know what they were doing. We do things all the time in life that we know are wrong but we don’t really understand at the time how that wrong hurts us on a spiritual level. Judas was so broken after betraying Jesus he committed suicide. Our husbands souls have to be fractured by what they did. If we can feel more badly for them than ourselves, that is how we get over it. I think that is why pride is the worst sin. A prideful man will never admit or accept his mistake and then can never make it right for the person he hurt and ultimately himself. That thinking perpetuates and they are the ones that cannot be healed. That is why pride always causes man to fall. Your husband stumbled but all is not lost because he seems to have practiced humility. That is so hopeful for your marriage and for your healing.

Studying out forgiveness, grace, love and living in the now helps me to believe that everything on earth happens to teach us, make us better, more conscious, more aware. Recognizing that this is a hurting world, focusing on the pain of others and trying to help them and understanding the human condition can awaken us to the possibilities that we can live in goodness and kindness instead of hate and pain.

Oh wow! Thank you so much for the detailed and thoughtful response. You are very wise 🙂

My hubby is doing all those things you said plus some. It doesn’t help ugh!!!! See I did file for divorce we signed the papers and I moved away – that’s a whole other story. But I eventually came home. I let him talk me into coming home!

See he was supposed to be a Godly man. He was a Christian drug and alcohol counselor and teaching others! We were well respected and loved in our home town. No one can believe what he has done. It’s just so crazy and so much to the story.

I don’t think I have lost faith but my faith and thinking have defiantly changed. But he knew better, he knew it was wrong in every way and so did she. At one point when I told her something was going on with my H she said I will be praying for y’all lol…just what the hell was she praying for when she was f&cking my H!

Wow, great story! I wish you lived near me so we could go for a walk and talk and coffees as it sounds like a lot of get togethers would be needed to work through all our issues. Wine would probably be required!

Firstly, you have God’s permission to leave. You don’t have to stay. Unfaithfulness is the one area he says it is okay to divorce. He knows how painful unfaithfulness is and he wouldn’t want any of us to stay with him if our heart isn’t in it and we are going to turn from him and go to something else instead.

But I have even more confidence that you can make it! You have the tools for sure–your bible, faith, church and it sounds like you have the right heart even if it is broken and incredibly heavy right now under the weight of your sorrow and burdens. Do you know what made you come back?

God doesn’t give us more than we can bare. He has probably protected you and your husband and spared you in ways you don’t know. He has to have a plan to use you and your story to bring others to him. You are as real as it gets. It is so easy to tell people to have faith, love God, love each other, God is in control etc. when things are good but when you have to fight for your faith and marriage how much more powerful of an example are you going to be for others for persevering and finishing the race.

We all know things are wrong. God told Adam and Eve just don’t do this one thing. One rule and they couldn’t follow it. It seemed so innocent. Just eat from the tree of knowledge. What could go wrong. Satan tricked and schemed them and they chose to listen to him instead of God. Then look what happened. Huge consequences. We do the exact same thing even as Christians. The affair was a huge thing. We know cheating is wrong because God said so and we know in our heart we are betraying and hurting our spouse. In the church, yes we should absolutely know and do better but we are no better. We should have more protection from Satan and more power but he knows our weaknesses and what to whisper and say and if we give him a foothold it is a lot harder to slam the door closed on him.

I sometimes think God allows this to happen to us so we can understand him better. He just wants a personal relationship with us. What better way than to let you experience what he did–betrayal. How hurt and angry he can feel when we sin and yet he is slow to anger. As Christians he sees us as white as snow like we have done no wrong because of the blood of Jesus. It is such a crazy idea but we do nothing to win back or earn God’s love. He loves us and we don’t deserve it. It is that kind of thinking that hopefully will help you love your husband again and be able to let go of the pain he caused. He doesn’t deserve your love after what he did but here you are, trying, fighting to not let Satan win. Now you have even more power to bring a lot more people to heaven with you because how many have turned from God because they feel like he let them down? It wasn’t God that let them down but sinful people who may even be claiming to love God and teach his word. Fighting to know God better and to help others get through a whole lot of hurt that so many people are carrying may be your calling. It is easy to be a Christian when we feel God’s blessings all the time and everything seems to be going great. It is a lot harder to be Job.

Your prize is in heaven and I believe there is a special place of honour there for women like you that stay and love and put God first when it may be much easier to walk away for the chance at a fresh start. This is how you and your husband can lead bible talks on marriage and counsel others struggling. You can save families, save children. People will be far more open to your words of advice because you have lived it. I look up to great marriages so much and the respect and honour those faithful to each other until the end. It is so admirable but those who also deserve incredible respect are the ones that had to fight back up from the mud to rebuild. That is convicting. That is inspiring. That makes me want to follow you and your example. The more real you are in your daily struggle the more I want to support you and be like you because you are showing me in real time, real life how to be like Jesus.

I should probably be praying every morning too to help me love my ex. I know Jesus loves him. But I don’t want to. I am like a child having a tantrum. I don’t like him. He continues to hurt me every chance he gets. He is stomping on me, cheating me financially and although he tells me to move on he does nothing from his end to allow me to do this. He is keeping me as his slave and it is so hard to get away. I am being left with nothing and I put in 23 years. I don’t deserve this. I loved him and this is what I get BUT it is not Godly thinking. I know it. It is really hard to get past my feelings. I also know that if God wants me to have a house he will give me one and everything else that I want but he has me here now for lots of learning.

You have a very powerful story and I want you to win. I want for you to have peace and feel love and every good thing that life has to offer. You definitely deserve it and can choose whether staying or going will be best for you.

Wow! Thanks again for such a thoughtful response. I use to agree with all that but not such much anymore. So I guess I am loosing my faith and need to look at that. I’m slipping. I wish I lived close too so we could meet up and chat and definitely wine 🙂 i never even drank before this but i do drink now sometimes.

I cant imagine being in your situation because you are right he continues to hurt you and that is just awful. I don’t know how you haven’t snapped. Your faith I’m sure 🙂

Does your ex work hard to stay in his girls’ lives? If he does then he has some redeeming features. If not then there is no hope for him. People who abandon their children are worthless things using up too much oxygen.

He sees our youngest daughter every Wednesday for dinner and then every other Friday for dinner. For the most part he is consistent with that although if he misses he never makes it up to her by seeing her another time or makes it up to me by switching days. He will usually see her on the Saturday and Sunday of his weekend as well.