Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Teacher

What happens when the person being sexually preyed upon is also a sexual predator? This, and many other intriguing questions probably should be asked, but aren’t even thought about in The Teacher. This movie has only one thing on its mind: being damned scummy. At this, it succeeds.

Our tale is about tail. That’s no big deal, lots of movies are. I’m not just talking rom-coms here, either. We’re stretching across all genres. The first Spider-Man told us right at the beginning that’s what it’s about. Even Avatar is essentially about tail. Sure it’s blue tail, but it’s tail nonetheless. In those movies, people take a more noble path to get some. What am I babbling about? Okay, I’m getting to the point.

The center of our universe is Diane (Tompkins). She’s a teacher, duh. Local psychopath Ralph (James) is obsessed with her on a level that would make John Hinckley Jr. proud. Google that name, youngsters. Ralph literally follows Diane around and spies on her all day, every day. He’s not terribly discreet, either. She’s well aware he’s usually hot on her…ahem…tail. She even tries confronting him on occasion. Oh yeah, just in case there was any doubt that Ralph is the villain, the movie opens with him staring crazily into a coffin he keeps at an abandoned warehouse next to the town pier. And he drives a hearse. Does he work in a funeral home? How the hell should I know? I just told you all we ever see him do is follow Diane. I can tell you what’s in the coffin, though. Among other stalker gear, he keeps a pair of binoculars to check out his girl while she’s sunbathing topless on her boat.

Let’s pause and talk about the boat. It’s a very nice boat. Not only does Diane own the boat, she owns a big house with a big pool and pushes around town in a shiny new Corvette. No wonder teachers are constantly bitching about money. Apparently, they were making a killing back in 1974!

Oh yeah, psycho, half-naked ladies, I didn’t forget. Mind you, even though she knows this creep is never more than two steps away, she seems to only take her boat out about 100 yards from the pier before she drops her top. Nice. Anyhoo, Ralph’s jollies are interrupted when his little bro shows up with a chum from school to take a gander at their favorite teacher in all her glory. I guess it runs in the family. Being discreet doesn’t, but Ralph hides from them anyway. Meanwhile, little bro and his buddy are brazenly watching Diane from the top of a staircase that runs alongside the building. Way to be inconspicuous, fellas. No longer able to stand the thought of another set of eyeballs ogling his woman, Ralph jumps out and surprises the younger pervs. Little bro is so startled, he falls a couple stories from the top of the staircase and dies. Distraught, or maybe not really, Ralph quickly blames the buddy for killing his brother. By the way, the buddy’s name is Sean. Sean escaping from a similar fate as his friend ensues.

Does Diane notice any of this? Of course not, even though it happens pretty much right in front of her. She’s too busy stretching her limbs, arching her back and otherwise finding ways to make her boobies jiggle and or protrude as per the director’s instructions, I’m sure. Obviously, she’s no help when the cops are trying to figure out how little bro got all dead and stuff.

Let’s get back to Sean. He’s not only a student of Diane’s, he’s a neighbor. His mom is also friends with her. Forget about Ralph, the real sleaze centers around this guy. It turns out Diane’s hubby just takes off and leaves her for weeks, even months at a time without even telling her to piss off. She’s quite the lonely gal, but she still rebuffs the advances of all the local studs that come sniffing around. Very quickly, we figure out she’s got the hots for young, virginal Sean. You know how it is. She’s getting closer to her sexual prime, him to his. Yes, google sexual prime if you don’t get the joke. Anyhoo, the best part of all this is that Sean’s mom sets the whole thing up. She all but supplies condoms for her boy. Coolest mom ever, or worst, depending on your point of view. I mean, what kind of mother encourages the teacher to bone her son? Not mine, for sure. Apparently, she wants Diane to show Sean the ways of love. Alright, to laugh at that joke you probably have to hear the theme song. During the course of the movie, I swear I heard it no less than 417 times. Honest. Anyway, the first line of the song is “Every boy needs a teacher.” Eventually, tells us that every boy needs a teacher to show him the ways…yeah, you got it. This means that the woman being stalked by the local freak is herself, a sexual deviant. Nice. Did I mention how sleazy this is?

I am getting way too into this. I can’t help it. The unintentional humor factor is high. Ralph is certain to pop up no matter where our favorite couple goes. Whenever they get a moment alone to have some sex, they do it in a way that it is obvious they did nothing of the sort. Oh, and Ralph’s watching. How about the acting? What acting? Production Values? Low. In short, it’s so bad, it’s awesome!