Green Eyed

I remember after Maddie was born, I had to go shopping to get clothes that fit and supplies to help me pump and store my breast milk. At the maternity store I saw two women giggling excitedly over belly panel jeans and tiny onesies. At the baby supplies store there were women with freshly born babies nestled securely in slings. That’s the first time I felt jealously in a way I never had before.

I did my best to keep it under wraps during Madeline’s time in the NICU, but it was so hard. Other families would come and go while we remained. I’d get off the elevator to go to the NICU and pass a husband pushing his wife in a wheelchair, baby firmly pressed to her chest. I often walked into the NICU crying, thankful that the NICU nurses understood.

I thought I’d be safe at my OB appointments, surrounded by other high risk women with altered perspectives. But Dr. Risky shares her waiting room with several doctors and midwives. I can always pick out the other high risk patients amongst the regular pregnant ladies. They have the same blank eyes and white knuckles. We exchange thin smiles. They are jealous, too.

It’s a hard thing to admit. I don’t want to be jealous. I want that blissful pregnancy where I’m not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to be pregnant and assume I’ll get a healthy baby after nine months. I want to see children playing with their parents and not have to look away. I want Maddie to be playing with her friends instead of having to watch them grow older without her. I want my old life back. I want my daughter back.

Ah Heather, you’re human. Don’t beat yourself up. It would be weird if you didn’t feel jealous. I really really wish you didn’t have to feel this way, or even know what it felt like to have these feelings. Hugs. And maybe… chocolate? (always helps me when I’m feeling bad!)
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Two! =-.

Em says:

Of course you’re jealous. That’s normal. See? You have a normal pregnancy! And there are women that are jealous that you were even able to have a child because they can’t. I know that doesn’t help…. Things will be great this time! Maddie will have a sibling and he/she will be healthy and amazing!
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..We are recession-proof! =-.

I know it’s not….. I always want to leave you comments and let you know that there are people out there that care about you even if they haven’t met you (like me) but most of them time I don’t know what to say. I should have just given you a comment hug like Chrissie, Nanette, and Em. So… ***HUGS***
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Lolly McChunkybutt =-.

Hon, I know you and know that this was not meant to be hurtful, but I think this is a situation where being well meaning has back fired.

I KNOW how tough it can be to figure out the right thing to say, so honestly…this isn’t to call you out or pick on you or make you feel bad (I promise).

It’s just that trying to compare this situation with someone in a different situation (infertility) when the one she is in is horrible, difficult and life-threatening just doesn’t really make her feel better.

And at the core? We both know that the worst can and absolutely does happen.The stress is so huge that really I have a hard time thinking anyone would be enviable of this situation.

I know if feels like this can mean that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as what to/ and not say but honestly…comparisons like that can be hurtful.

I know you so I really hope you do not think I am being a bitch. I am really trying not to here, but I also know things are building up on her shoulders and because of Heather’s condition I am being all mama-bear protective.

Granted, I don’t personally KNOW Lauren like you do, Loralee… It sounds to me that Lauren MIGHT have been saying that there are women who can’t get pregnant and see pregnant bellies and get jealous WITHOUT knowing their story. Just like Heather, and we as humans, see other people who have something we yearn for, and we naturally get jealous. The women that Heather was referring to, the ones that made her feel jealous — who knows — maybe the woman in the wheel chair had one baby in her arms when in fact, she should have had two but one died a few days after birth. We never know the stories behind the other people. So, just to offer a different perspective, maybe what Lauren was saying was that Hey, Heather, it’s okay to feel jealous and to then feel bad for having “ugly” feelings. Other women do it, too. Having feelings we don’t always want (grief, sadness, jealousy, etc.) — THAT’s NORMAL.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Lisa Leonard Loot =-.

Elizabeth says:

What Alexandra said is so true…We can’t compare sufferings. I’m one of those women who hasn’t been able to carry a pregnancy to term. Were my losses painful? Absolutely, they were devastating. As painful as Heather’s and LoraLee’s? As heartbreaking as my losses were, I’m sure my pain didn’t come close to yours.

But…When I heard about Heather’s (and LoraLee’s) new pregnancies, along with feeling so much happiness that they’d be able to find new hope in their lives, I also felt completely jealous because I know I’ll never be pregnant again myself, never even be able to know what it feels like to carry a baby more than four months, and probably never be able to have a child at all, since adoption–even of foster children–is so expensive. I understand the fear and the hell you’ve both been through, and believe me, I really do hurt for you. But I’m also more jealous than you can ever understand. That’s not something I’m proud of or can justify, but I can’t do much to change it.

Just like you, I hurt whenever I see mothers with their babies, it feels like someone’s crushing a fist around my guts. The pain of not being able to have children is very, very real, and feels, in a sense, like a death. And that’s what I think Lauren was trying to say. Not comparing pain, but I have to say–as paradoxical and illogical as it seems, even to me–in my mind, you are lucky.

I guess at the end of the day, I want both of you to think about this…does it EVER make you feel better to have someone say to you something along the lines of ‘Hey, I’m sorry that you can’t have children but look at how many women out there don’t have a husband or man in their life to even TRY to have children with. My 38 yr old friend who has never been kissed would kill to be in your shoes with such a great spouse!”

Or something of the like? It probably doesn’t make you feel any less shitty and might possibly on days when you are already suffering, make it worse.

That is what happened here and so I spoke up.

Truly…it was not about the pain of infertility.

I promise you that of most people alive I know you cannot compare suffering.

Pinky swear.

I have people tell me all the time that their loss can’t compare to mine and I always correct them. Pain is Pain….it’s horrible and everyone has different understandings of it.

I know that my pregnancy had mixed feelings with people and I totally got it. Some of my dearest friends recently miscarried or couldn’t get pregnant and I absolutely understood their conflict about me.

P.S. I know that comparison is lame (though the pain of being single and alone your whole life is huge) but honestly, you both have to have heard phrases that make you just want to beat your head against a wall with frustration.

It’s more me speaking up that ANY comparison of those who have it better or worse RARELY helps the person hurting.

Loralee, don’t feel like a freak. Or that you wrote too much. I think you offer a very unique perspective, and I’ve enjoyed reading what you have to say. Words come across as just words, sometime, but I sincerely mean this — I love that people like Heather and you and so many other women write. About their pains and joys and ups and downs. And that vulnerability that is shown, admitting that we feel “ugly” feelings of jealousy and so many other things. As hokey as it may sound, but it’s a gift that you and Heather and other bloggers offer – – the gift of opening your head and your heart. Thank you for that.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Lisa Leonard Loot =-.

Juzza says:

I had 2 miscarriages, a fairly high risk pregnancy that ended with a 6 week early healthy premmie and now another 2 miscarriages this year. I know that jealousy too well and I hate myself for feeling it. At the supermarket, the OB while he’s carrying out more tests on me while I’m there with all the healthy pregnant ladies.
Apart from the first miscarriage I have never felt excited about a pregnancy again just stressed and nervous. I’m jealous of their mindset, their innocence and their assumption that nothing will go wrong.
I’m so jealous and I hate myself for it too. And you have even more of a reason to be jealous than me. Maddie was beautiful!

When my daughter was brain injured at the age of 4 from a car accident, I experienced that ugly, jealous feeling, too. The children she used to play with went on to ride bikes, roller skate, go to school — while my daughter spent all those years learning how to walk and talk and think clearly all over again. I was very jealous of those parents who had “normal” children, even some of my best friends, and I, too, wanted my old life back when everything was normal. I didn’t like our new normal, filled with therapy and neurologists and brain scans and eye surgeries.

I’m so sorry you are feeling that ugly feeling. You should be able to enjoy your pregnancy with Binky without fear, without the anxiety, and of course without the sadness in your heart over Maddie:(

I only hope that in time, when Binky is born a chubby, full term and healthy baby, that you will be able to exhale and enjoy her to the fullest. With just the normal worries that all new mommies have. You know, like poking them when they are sleeping so soundly just to assure yourself that they are still breathing;) I’m famous for that one.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Efusjon = $$$$$ =-.

I get you Heather. I’m also a big, fat green-eyed monster, and it aint always pretty. But it is what it is. You’re not alone with these thoughts.
Thinking of you, Mike and both your babies.
xo
.-= Sally´s last blog ..No one is immune =-.

Carrie says:

You richly deserve that perfect pregnancy with no worries and I’m so sorry you’re not able to have it. I’ve got all my fingers crossed that you’ll be one of those women who get wheeled out of hospital holding that perfect little bundle in your arms.

The day I was discharged from hospital without Erin another woman was wheeled down with her newborn oh my god I broke down. Up until then I was doing okay, it really drove home what I was missing out on. It still brings me to tears.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes =-.

Krissa says:

I’m not a mom so I don’t know exactly how you feel from experience, but I can imagine. And through your writing I have a good understanding and I am sure I’d feel the same way you do. If I (if all of us) could wish away all the things that have happened to you that forced these feelings upon you, the wish would have come true by now. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs)))

I had that normal, healthy pregnancy, and I got to do the shiny, happy mommy thing with my beautiful baby. Even so, the pregnancy was stressful. Knowing that things can go wrong, and assuming that it wouldn’t be me would be asking for it. Having no reason in the world to feel that way. One pregnancy to date, one perfect 1 year old now.

I can’t imagine the stress that is your life, your pregnancy. The immense pain of going through such a horrid first pregnancy culminating in such an extreme loss when you finally thought things were good, and you could relax. To go through it all again -with first hand knowledge and experience of what can and does happen – feel whatever you need to, and fuck the world if they don’t like it. Don’t feel like you should apologise or make excuses for a natural reaction to your own situation. You didn’t ask for this.

Be as ugly as you feel like being. To me, you’re amazing, beautiful, strong, graceful and a whole lot more.

Ellen says:

Hi Heather. I know exactly what you mean! I struggled so hard to not cry when I had to go to Motherhood Maternity for nursing shirts and bras- without my baby. I stood in a long line of hugely pregnant women chatting about chubby babies… Everyone got silent when I was checking out. The cashier congratulated me on my baby girl, having noticed the pink hospital band on my wrist. I said nothing about my impossibly tiny 2 pound 4 ounce 30 weeker in the NICU. I just had to leave. My next (and last) pregnancy will be a Lovenox-injecting high-risk stress-filled one. I have APS and developed eclampsia and HELLP with the first pg. I, too, am jealous of the blissfully pregnant people and their expectations of a perfect take-home baby. If I ever hear another 30-something week pg woman say “oh I’m so ready to be done being pregnant” I think I might smack her! She has noooo idea what she’s talking about!

Tracey says:

Jen says:

I read this and immediately thought of a woman in my hometown. She was pregnant with her second child and at around 8 months decided she was done being pregnant so she did everything she could to induce her labour and wound up having her son prematurely. The same woman had the gall to lecture my sister about being selfish and having a c-section. My sister only had the EMERGENCY c-section because my niece’s heart had stopped beating and my niece would have died without that intervention.
I struggle with finding the understanding of how a selfish woman could risk the life of her child and he is okay, and you fought so hard for Maddie and she is not.
So when I think about the kind of mother I would like to be, I hope I am half a good of one as you are.
Much love.

Heather says:

My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time with our first children. My baby was due @ the end of Dec, her at the beginning. There was a weird competition about who would get the “firsts”. When DD1 was born early (Nov 20), we entered this wierd competition ended. I had the 1st baby, but she got to take hers home. I remember going to visit her in the hospital, where she had delivered right on schedule. My new baby was in the NICU, while her’s was snuggled in her arms. I remember holding him for the and just wanting to sob. Everything was just so unfair.

Oh, jealousy is such an awful feeling, but most people with a lick of sense won’t begrudge you the feelings. I had a high risk pregnancy as well and I experienced a mixture of 1 part excitements and 3 parts worry/anxiety/jealousy throughout my whole pregnancy with my son. Then I was dubiously blessed with the gift of postpartum depression and felt a raging jealousy unlike ANYTHING I ever felt in my life. 20 months on and it’s mostly gone now, but hit me up on a bad day and it comes swinging back to let me know I didn’t get the life I had initially ordered up.

One of the best things to do with the green-eyed monster in the room is to point it out to people that are sensitive and understand. We’ll glare at it with you. Of course, finding those people is more of a challenge than one would assume. But, I’m here!
.-= stephanie´s last blog ..Remember me? =-.

I think that jealousy feeling is incredibly understandable – and those of us who have not been through your circumstances feel it for other, much smaller reasons as well – like, why did I have to have gestational diabetes? or – why did I have to get a weird result from my quad screen? – like I said – truly minor compared to your experience – but, a completely understandble emotion that I think we’ve all felt. xo from CT, Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..chicago (the city, not the band) =-.

Erica says:

My dear sweet Heather,
Of course you are feeling jealous, we all would in your situation. I read your words and I feel jealous for you. You have been through so much and yet you still remain so strong and courageous. You really are an amazing lady and an amazing Mama. You continue to be such an inspiration to me. I continue to learn from you every time I read one of your posts.
You are always in my thoughts. Sending you a hug and lots of love. Your readers are here for you, loving you and holding your hand.
With love
your friend, Erica in Luxembourg

i remember that feeling. all too well.
i remember walking around, knowing that my baby had died … and i saw pregnant women everywhere. i hated hearing the news in the hospital as other women sat their ready to see their babies alive and kicking. i hated watching their faces grow fuller as mine thinned out. i had never before felt pure hatred. and i was feeling it. and i hated myself more for feeling that way.
now … my circumstances have changed. and i’ve had 2 healthy babies and a 3rd seemingly healthy pregnancy. but lost another over time too. and there is constantly a gray cloud hanging over head. because i know what could happen. and it’s not all rainbows and unicorns.
you are completely allowed and encouraged to have those feelings.
just don’t beat yourself up about it. it’s ok.
.-= jen´s last blog ..i {heart} faces … back to school challenge! =-.

I know this feeling. For me, it’s about pregnancy, delivery, and breastfeeding — all three.

Two high-risk pregnancies, though not as high risk as yours. Two ceseareans, first emergency, second planned because there was no way my uterus would have survived it otherwise, and as it was landed me in the ICU for five days after I attempted to bleed out post delivery. And the fact that with child #1, he was diagnosed with failure to thrive at 6 weeks because my breast milk was not enough. And #2, because of all the drugs needed to keep me alive, she couldn’t be breastfed at all.

I’m jealous of every woman who gets to breastfeed and who beats me over the head with how natural and easy it is. I’m jealous of every woman who got to experience labor and delivery without people freaking out. I’m jealous of women who got to hold their babies for more than a few minutes after delivery. I didn’t see my daughter for over 48 hours after the first hour post delivery because we were too busy trying to save my life.

I’m jealous of people who didn’t have their family pressuring them to let the baby leave without them because she was fine, it’s the mom who has problems.

So yeah, I totally get what you’re saying even if I’m coming from the other end of the spectrum.
.-= Beth´s last blog ..We Need Health Care Reform =-.

I’m breastfeeding, and there is nothing natural or easy about it… You did awesomely well to get to six weeks with your first. I almost threw in the towel at one week, but have now managed to get past a year thanks to some wonderful people who provided some incredible support. Having said that, we’re still struggling with solids (now I’m jealous of moms with babies who eat well

You tried your best, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Breakfast fun =-.

Heather says:

I hear you on the breastfeeding! With DD#1, I pumped for the whole month she was in the NICU. She just didn’t take to nursing well and I did the best I could, but pumping took such an emotional/physical toll on me! She needed to learn to eat to come home and nursing her was actually hampering that process! Then she was diagnosed with a milk allergy and even though it would have been best to continue pumping, I just couldn’t handle the stress anymore!

With DD#2, I knew she would have the allergy and planned on nursing. When she was born early and admitted into the NICU, I just couldn’t bear the thought of having to pump again! I just wanted her to eat and come home, since that was what her discharge requirement was. I made the decision about 2 days post-partum, that I would just forgo nursing/pumping. I felt great about admitting I couldn’t do it and making that decision, but got SO Much crap from the “Nursing Nazi’s”.

Laura says:

Melissa says:

Heather,
I dont know you. I came across your blog through another blog I read. I know what you are feeling. My son spent time in the level II nursery no where near as sick as Maddie was, and I remember going to breakfast and just wanting to be invisible so no one would ask when I was due…I still looked pregnant. I remember feeling angry at the other women who came in at the same time I did and were already home with their babies. It is ok to feel this way. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you.

I so relate. There is nothing ugly about human emotions. They just are. And being honest about them is healthy and positive. I was high risk with both my pregnancies and I was lucky to have a good outcome with both, but there is nothing like the feelings evoked when you are sitting in those waiting rooms just wanting to know you are OK, while others take that for granted. You are amazing Heather. You are grieving, gestating a baby and trying to share your very raw, honest feelings too. Bravo. This will help so many others too. Maddie is proud of her mama.
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Remembering 9/11 – Repost – 8 Years =-.

Shannon Kieta says:

Again… I wish we lived closer, another time I wish I could wrap my arms around you and squeeze you so tight that the hurt and fright POP right out of you! I put myself in your shoes every time I read your blog, and wish I had been granted three wishes, I would wish for no more sickness, no more hate, and Maddie back for you.(And a little extra dough wouldn’t hurt either!) HA! My thoughts are with you always, after all, I DID adopt you as my sister, did you forget? Are you ready to kill me yet for that one? When you are holding Bink and all is well, with no problems, you will be able to breathe easy. I know it will never bring Maddie back, but remember, Maddie is ALWAYS with you now. I know it’s not the same, or how you want it. But we have to take things as they come, and a guardian angel for Binky sounds pretty good to me. STAY PUT BINK!!! Auntie Shannon

After 11 years, I sometimes still find myself brimming with jealousy and a bit of hatred for all those people who’ve had their children, and have remained unscathed. Our son is doing well, but cancer (and death) does that to a person…
.-= Mary@Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..My Very Exciting Life =-.

Maura says:

I understand.
They put me in a room as far from people as possible, but I still had to walk past the doors of people who got to take their new babies into their rooms just to get to the NICU.
How I hated those people.
After I was released and the girls were still in the hospital… ugh. Hate.

I remember that jealousy feeling too. In fact when one of my ex sister in laws had her third blissful oops I forgot to take my pill so I’m pregnant pill wanting to having to physically restrain myself from pulling out her hair. More than once.

Jenn says:

I get it. When we were approaching our 4th 1/2 yr of trying and loosing 5 babies in the process, I found it impossible to look at pregnant people…especially pregnant teenagers or woman who smoked during their pregnancy. I was so sad. So envious I could taste it!!!

I also couldn’t stomach the World Vision Commericals with all the starving kids. I would look at my husband with tears in my eyes and in a mere whisper would say “I would take any of those babies…..and I would love like my own no matter what their gender, race or abilities are. I would love them and I know you would too”.

I can imagine you would feel jealously and heart break while watching the other Maddie and Georgie grow. Too be honest, I don’t know how you could NOT feel that way.

. I was in the Halloween store in the States on Saturday. I instantly thought of Maddie when I walked in…how cute she was last year and how she won’t be here this year. I walked out in tears a few minutes later. It was too hard watching other little girls around her age. I felt resentment and sadness and again, I asked God….why while saying a little prayer for you and your whole family.

Hugs and understanding to you my friend. I wish things were different. I wish your biggest concern right now was being concerned over how Maddie is going to receive her new sister. It’s not fair Heather….I’m so sorry for that.

Heather, if you weren’t jealous, you wouldn’t be human. It’s only natural. But this time is different and Binky is going to be wonderfully healthy. You’re doing all the right things and you and Dr Risky are ON it.

Alexandra says:

I had bedrest with all 3 of my pregnancies. No beautiful visions of an upright woman in adorable baby clothes, nope.

Just a sad, scared woman, hooked up to monitors getting steroid shots, on meds, to stop contracting. Never made it full term, either, ..so after all the bedrest, not even a baby that comes home, but straight to NICU>

Some people get all the breaks. I remind myself that I had babies that did eventually come home.

It is easy to get jealous, feel it, work through it…and then leave that feeling there.

But I have felt that green eyed monster many a time and have had to stop myself from lecturing to others, “Do you not know what you have? Do you not know how awesome it is to be pregnant and be outside playing with your other already born kids? Do you not know???”

I know too well what you are feeling and I think it’s really okay. I have lived for seven years like this.

When my son was alive, I couldn’t imagine that I would be saddled with a special needs kid. I was jealous of other moms with normal babies.

When my son died, I watched the world go on without him. My best friend’s daughter is just one day younger than my son. She will be seven years old this fall. And I keep thinking that my son should be too.

Now I am sad that my jealousy kept me from enjoying every day with him. I wanted him to be something he was not. I learned from it. When my daughter was born (10 months after he died), I never ever wished that she were someone else. I never wanted to be anyone but me.

The only thing I want back is my innocence. Which is about as possible as getting my son back.

Many hugs to you. Feel what you want to feel, when you want to feel it. Just don’t let it destroy what you do have. You are amazing…Mike too. And we’re all with you.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Do you see what I see? =-.

I know that feeling. We’ve been trying to have a second baby for almost a year now.
Although I have always thought of jealousy as wanting something at the exclusion of someone else. What I feel is not so much that as wanting to be pregnant in addition to all of the women around me who are expecting. I don’t know the right word for that. Maybe it’s the same thing, maybe it’s not.

Meg...CT says:

I pray every day that you get the healthy baby that will make others jelous…not that I wish any mom ill will. I had several miscarriages…so I know the jelousy feeling and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I am lucky, though. I went on to have beautiful healthy babies too. I hope and pray you do too.

You are in an impossible situation right now. You are living with real grief. Insurmountable grief….grief that I can not even begin to imagine while trying to manage your health and that of your unborn baby…and juggling your emotions with your pregnancy hormones. Honestly, I am pretty impressed that you get out of bed most days.
You are entitled to your feelings…you have earned them. We are hear to listen, understand and lend a shoulder when you need one…even 3000 miles away.
Be well.
Peace, friend.
Meg…CT

You have every right to feel jealousy or envy. We are all jealous at some point or another. I know it sucks, it isn’t a feeling anyone wants to have. I hope that the pregnancy continues fine and that at the end you have a happy, healthy little bundle of joy so you can at least feel some of the joy you search for.

You have every right to be jealous! It stinks that you can’t just enjoy this pregnancy with the innocent ignorance that most people go through not knowing the degree of your experience and loss. Many prayers and hugs coming your way. You guys are never far from my thoughts or my heart. xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Not just another day =-.

suzanne says:

Jealousy is the worst. I am constantly reminding myself to exercise the “discipline of gratitude.” I honestly don’t think there is a person alive who does not experience it, and someone who has faced your challenges is entitled to a bout of jealousy. If there is a positive here (I mean, besides the fact that you have come so far with Binky and things are looking good) it is that you are self-aware, smart, decent, and good-hearted enough to know what a self-destructive emotion it can be. We understand, and we love you — green-eyed monster and all.

I often type out a response to your blogs but, more often than not, I end up deleting them and leaving. They just seem so trite…so useless to what you’re going through….

Though I have not had a child born to me pass away, I have had a miscarriage surrounded by many other blissfully pregnant friends.

I remember having to sit and wait in the waiting room amongst all of the huge bellies with calm mommies reading magazines…meanwhile, I was bleeding all over the place and waiting for confirmation that my baby was dead. I remember history repeating itself nearly two months later with my current pregnancy; again bleeding. And, again, being forced to sit amongst the bulging baby bellies in the waiting room for 30 minutes to wait to find out if I was losing another pregnancy.

I am now pregnant with my third pregnancy and began the pregnancy in the “high risk” category and continue to be jealous of women who have their entire nurseries decorated and the child’s wardrobe purchased by the time theya re 19 weeks pregnant They are so sure that everything will be okay. Like you said, I too keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to happen to my baby…honestly, I don’t talk to my pregnant friends because they stress me out too much!

I just want to focus on keeping myself optimistic and it’s hard to do that when you are surrounded by people who are much more optimistic than you are. I feel bad that I’ve kind of let some of my friendships slide but the bottom line is that I have to do what is best for me and my baby.

Jealousy is something that I’m very familiar with and it makes me feel like crap, like…I’m such a terrible person that I can’t be happy for other people….I hate that part of myself.

I just wanted you to know that you weren’t alone…I can’t imagine losing my daughter. I think of Maddie so often and I can’t wait until the next March of Dimes Walk because I’ll be walking for her!

Allison says:

I do but at the same time don’t know what you’re feeling. I DON’T know because I have never been able to get pregnant. I DO know because I have felt that raging jealously, so much so that I have to walk away because if I don’t I will physically lash out.

It was one of those ‘there’s something in the water’ kind of years at our office where it seemed like everyone was pregnant. At that same time, we were trying to adopt. The fates were amazing and we received our baby girl very quickly and she was the first baby born of our office pool. One day, after coming back to work, this group of ladies were standing around talking about their different stages of pregnancy, some complaining, and some exclaiming, I started crying. One of the ladies said ‘oh, see, you are so emotional now that you have your baby girl!’ Um, no. I was emotional because I will never have those experiences and those are not something that can be duplicated (although I’ve been told that being very gassy is somewhat similar). I was lost for words at that very moment. My brain was screaming ‘No you selfish bitch! I am crying because I cannot feel what you are feeling. I am flawed!’ And then? Well, then I felt immensly guilty because at that moment I remembered my beautiful baby girl. No, I couldn’t carry my baby myself (or as other thoughtless hordes choose to say ‘weren’t meant to have a baby’) but I have a baby. She calls me mommy. She reaches for me. She puckers up (like a little fish face) to kiss me. She pats on my face when we’re lying in bed together.

All this long winded-ness is just say, feel your jealousy, lash out when you feel like it, enjoy moments when you can. Binky will not make the feeling go away, but it will not be so intense. There will always be moments when you will feel the rise of the green eyed beast. It is in all of us. It will hit you when you least expect it and it will also hit when you are prepared. Stay strong!

After my daughter was born I went to buy a few items from our registry we still needed (pumping supplies and a carseat among other things) and the store would not give us the discount they usually gave new parents once their baby is born, b/c they said I was too far from my due date still. I was devistated by it. I wanted to tear up my shirt and show them the incision from my emergency c-section and tell them that my baby would fit in just one of their hands!

I understand the feeling you get when parents would leave the NICU with their baby. Our daughter was named the “grandma” of our unit, when she was discharged she had been in there over a month longer than any other baby there at the time.

Now, I have 5 other friends who are also pregnant(we’re all due within a month of eachother). They are all having blissfully happy pregnancies while I spend everyday praying that the progesterone therapy will get me to 12 weeks(almost there), that my cervix will stay closed, that I can keep this baby in longer than the short 27 weeks I carried my daughter. One of the moms actually said she isn’t reading any pregnancy books this time around b/c they just scare her and most women will have happy healthy pregnancies anyway, so why read about all that bad stuff. She and I have been friends for years and she knows what happened with our little girl.

I know those jealous feelings and it’s ok to have them, as much as they do suck.

Ugly is okay. You be as ugly as you want/need to be. I can’t imagine not feeling that way. I too struggle with jealousy. There is nothing wrong with feeling like – I want a do over! I want the happy ending!

My heart and prayers are with you and your sweet husband. Through your blog, I have fallen madly in love with Maddie. I can’t even imagine how wonderful being her mother is.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Sending you off into the world =-.

Jealousy is an ugly thing. When it comes to your children, it takes on its ugliest form. Sadly I understand it as well. I feel silly even mentioning my situation, I’m not trying to compare, as I know there is no comparison. My son is a bit behind in his milestones. These days we know he is just behind, has only minor problems, and will catch up. However, for months, we didn’t know. They were evaluating him for CP, and various other conditions and it was scary. I remember the jealously I felt when I would see a child my son’s age who was walking when my son couldn’t even crawl. It’s not that I didn’t want to see their children walk, I was thankful they weren’t dealing with our issues, but I didn’t want to dealing with them either! I always knew things could be much worse, but jealousy reared its ugly head. We’re human after all. Don’t beat yourself up. Hang in there. Hugs!
.-= Candice´s last blog ..A Fabulous Saturday =-.

Liz says:

I remember being in a drugstore, buying those little things that we thought we still had lots of time to pick up, while my premie was in a nearby hospital, and absolutely loathing the exhausted looking woman who went by with her newborn in a sling.

And now I know that I had no idea how lucky I was. Heather, I know it feels ugly, but it’s totally natural and understandable. And if there’s anyone out there who doesn’t understand it, they’re not worth worrying about.

Diane says:

My little guy has cerebral palsy as a result of a difficult birth and I get jealous too. I see 8 month olds doing things he cannot and it’s really hard sometimes (he’s two). I know this in no way compares to what you’ve been through, but I think we’ve all been visited by the green-eyed monster at some point. It’s completely natural and normal and I’d wonder if you weren’t having these feelings. If you were, “Oh all these wonderful, happy-go-lucky pregnant women in the lobby are so fantastic we’ve all become fast friends.” I’d DEFINITELY wonder.

I remember when my little guy was in the NICU and I had this intense hatred of any women who were pregnant or who were pushing their kiddos around in strollers. Of course, I didn’t really hate these people, but it sure did feel that way. I was Jealous, yes, with a capital J.

The key is that jealousy is really just saddness for yourself… “Why couldn’t that be me?”

Heather,
you have every right to feel these feelings, and I know you don’t want to feel this way, but after what you have been through, how can u not? I pray for u all of the time and I so hope that this pregnancy does go so smoothly for u and u can embrace the joy that Binky will give u!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Here I am, thanks to Legolas! =-.

I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine. I hope that this new little one is born full term and completely healthy so that you can blissfully be pushed by your husband in a wheelchair out of the hospital with your baby held tightly against your chest.
.-= Mrs. Wilson´s last blog ..NYC =-.

Tina says:

Heather, if you didn’t feel jealous, I would think something was wrong with you. I don’t blame you for feeling hatred and anger. It is just not right that other woman get to have healthy, stress-free pregnancies while you are in fear every second. It isn’t right that you have suffered the world’s most tremendous loss. You have had it way too hard Heather. It is just so wrong.

I am praying for your strength and for a full-term pregnancy. I can only imagine how scared you are and I wish I could make it better. Just know that I am thinking of you constantly and my Sundays now have a new meaning. Love you Heather. Keep breathing.

While I will never understand the magnitude of the pain you have felt, there was a lot that hit home with me today reading this post.

I too felt the intense jealousy and sadness when our daughter was born at 30 weeks and was in the NICU for 5 weeks. Every tour group that passed by with hopeful pregnant mothers with wide eyes made me melt into a pile of tears. Like you said, every wheelchair that passed right by the NICU with their newborns in their hands had me feeling so upset. And then in the last year we experienced 3 pregnancy loses with the last one at 19 weeks. And we are still trying. The fear and nervousness and anxiety is intense.

I don’t understand it at all but I find myself saying “it isn’t fair” many times. I hate feeling that jealousy. It makes me go to a dark place in my feelings.

Susan A says:

I want you to have all those things too. And you have every right to feel jealous and angry. And I am right there with you. I am mad and angry that you and Mike have to suffer this tragedy.

But I want you to know that you have done so much good in this world and you and your blog have helped so many. To understand how much we can do to help with supporting things like the March of Dimes and Friends of Maddie.

You are a wonderful person who is loved by so many. Jealous, ugly, mad, we’ll still love you.

You have been dealt an ugly hand and you are very much allowed to diplay any feeling you feel. We are here for you no matter what. You are beautiful and make beautiful babies that bring a lot of joy to all that are blessed to see her beautiful smile.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Gimme Smore 4 day weekends please =-.

Shawna says:

Heather,you are human and entitled to this jealousy and I am grateful to you for being so honest about it. The flipside for those of us who haven’t experienced your pain is guilt. Which is not a nice emotion either. But there it is. It exists just as surely as your jealousy in the moments when we should be filled with joy. Please know that (at least) some of us who have experienced “normal” have hearts that ache because it hasn’t, won’t and can’t be the same good experience for all of us. I think of you and Mike and Maddie and Binky with hope in my heart that you will be well and find bits of happiness amoungst the sadness, the anxiety , and even the jealousy.

I’m sure it is ugly and who would blame you. I would be jealous and full of rage! It’s not fair yet we don’t have any answers or solutions to make things different. So you are stuck having to suffer a loss that is horrific. I am so sorry.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..THE SKIES ON 9/11/09 =-.

Heather says:

We were the ones with the latest due date in our childbirth class, but our son was born first. We got to see every single last one of their babies born, often running into them on our way out of the NICU. I hated that look they gave us, with me obviously not pregnant anymore, afraid to ask.

Two NICU babies. We (me) are blessed to have the relatively insignificant problems that we do. But I will never know what a “normal” pregnancy or “normal” delivery looks like, and I will never hold a slimy newborn on my chest or be able to cuddle it just after birth. Yeah, I’m jealous.

Liz says:

These are the posts that make me admire you most because you share such raw and honest emotion with all of us! You are human. You are a mom with such terrible pain to carry each and every day. You have experienced a most terrible loss. For that you should be angry! I have certainly known the feeling of envy and while I wish others nothing but happiness, success and good in life, I have carried that feeling with me during certain periods in my life. It does feel ugly, but it is real and you have endured something so devastating. Thank you again for sharing your life with us. I hope you know that I, as well as all of your readers, think of you, Mike and Maddie very often! Wishing you continued health during your pregnancy!

MelissaG says:

rachel says:

Heather- I can’t imagine how hard this is for you! I got pregnant at 25, unplanned and unmarried. I was petrified the whole time, not about the pregnancy, but about the motherhood that would follow and how my life would be totally different. I was Jealous of my friends who could have carefree fun, and afraid that I couldn’t possibly manage once the baby was born. Now I think back and can see how unworthy of a child and how immature I was. I am so grateful I made the choice I did, but just know that even “normal” pregnancies can be filled with angst and nervous apprehension.

Marcyr says:

I’ve followed your blog since the link form Matt’s blog. I can understand your feelings of Jealousy…I lost my Father 6 yrs. ago and still get jealous when I hear friends speak about spending time with their Father’s.
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. They are normal feelings, and I appreciate you sharing them with us. You are human and have the right to feel what your heart is telling you. It is better to feel the emotions–as hard as it may be sometimes rather than keep them inside.
May you and your family find peace and comfort in your hearts. Take Care~

Jesika says:

hi heather,
I have gone back and forth on whether to leave this comment and it goes back to the blog on whether or not binky will wear maddies clothes and it came to my mind that you could have a quilt made of some of maddies clothes so they are not just put in a box somewhere, you could always hold them close to your heart in a qullt. There is a lady here where I live that makes t-shirt quilts and my grandma had some made of all of our old t-shirts from when we were little on up to high school. that is what made me think of it. I would do it myself for you but I cant even sew a button on right!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike daily!!

missy says:

I have never been where you are, but I totally get the jealousy thing. And I think it’s really pretty normal. But you and Binky are in my prayers to keep going on with this pregnancy and never have that other shoe drop.
.-= Christiana´s last blog ..Don’t know why I’m appologizing… =-.

Whether I’ve been in your shoes or not, I am familiar with feelings of jealousy. Please don’t beat yourself up or hate yourself for that. Would it help to spend some time (an hour or a day?) and truly focus on the jealousy? Allow yourself to dwell on it….write it down. Write down everything in your head, no matter how “mean” or “hateful” it might sound. Do you hate the pregnant mommies who stand around rubbing their swollen bellies while joking that they got pregnant at the drop of a hat? Write it out.

Melissa says:

Wow, you just summed up everything I felt while I was pregnant with my son, high-risk, following 4 miscarriages, 20 weeks bedrest, 5 weeks of which was in the hospital. I WAS jealous of all of those same women, I would seriously cry and almost hyperventilate sometimes while waiting in the doctor’s office at my appointments, because I was waiting for that shoe to drop. To this day, I have the same anxiety when I take my 1 year old son to his doctor’s appointments, because I am still convinced something must be wrong with him, and I am anticipating hearing it from the doctor at some point. All of my family and friends really feel I am crazy, and honestly, I think I am too, a little. But once you experience what you are experiencing, you have no alternative way to feel.

I want to hug you and let you know that there are people who somehow, maybe not on the same level as you, but we do understand. Hugs

Stacy says:

You have every right. I know that probably doesn’t help, and I know that you’re trying to fight those feelings because you are such an amazing person, but I still feel the need to tell you…you have every right. Nobody can blame you for feeling that way. Your courage in spite of everything that’s trying to keep you down is amazing and inspiring. The jealousy you confess to? Doesn’t make me think any less of you. Doesn’t surprise me in the least. The only thing that does surprise me is your continued grace and strength.

DO NOT feel bad about yourself because of the way you feel. It is completely understandable and completely normal. Yes, it’s an ugly feeling, but life has thrown some pretty ugly things at you.

Amy says:

Similar to the last comment, I absolutely do not/cannot compare myself to your situation. I can only offer you *hugs* and love and a shoulder/ear to cry on. But what I can do, is absolutely understand the feelings of jealousy. On my drive to an interview this AM, I saw a mother out strolling with her baby. I am a mid-30’s woman who cannot even meet a decent man, and wonder if I’ll ever have the opportunity to be a mommy. I want that so much for myself one day, and I thank God that I have my niece and nephews to fill whatever maternal pangs I have. Again, I wish you lots of love and contentment and hugs.

Christy says:

With my first pregnancy and baby, I didn’t really worry. Everything was going to be fine! I have had six pregnancies, and I have three children. The two pregnancies after the three miscarriages, were worried pregnancies. I’m not at all comparing my miscarriages to your loss. I just think that after something horrible has happened, you lose that carefree, everything is going to be ok feeling (forever, really). And it’s ok to be jealous of people who still have it. I keep checking to see how you’re doing, and I’m glad you’re still writing.

Lesley says:

I promise there will be a day where your heart will be lighter. And thoughts of Maddie will not make you feel like you can’t go on without her. Then these days will become more often. And you will still be very connected to her. In a different and less painful way. And your new healthy baby will fill your heart with a new and different endless love. I promise this…and these days will eventually be the majority.

You’re right, sometimes it is very ugly, but so is this burden we carry. You have every right to be jealous, and it is okay. Whatever you are feeling at any given moment is okay.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..New Name Winner =-.

Danes says:

I know what you mean in a very different way. I burst into tears or get spacey-eyed every time I see a stranger with a swollen belly. I’d give anything to be them, and kind of hate them just because they have something I’d kill for – a baby on the way.

I love our new fertility clinic because I don’t have to see happy couples waiting for ultrasounds or newborns with their Mom for a follow up. In fact, our new doctor has signs everywhere imploring people to keep their children at home for the sake of the other patients. It’s comforting to look around knowing that everyone in there is experiencing the same thing I am.

Jen says:

You post struck such a chord with me. I have 18 month old triplets who were born at 32 weeks. From the second I knew there were three and I knew how dangerous is was going to be, I was terrified. I tried to avoid anyone I knew who was pregnant with one baby and I couldn’t stand women who were 38 weeks and complaining about how they couldn’t wait for the baby to come. I found out my own Sister-In-law was pregnant with her second and I cried with jealousy. It was hard to admit to myself, but as I have talked to more and more preemie moms, I think it is something we all share.

Jennifer says:

I understand where you are coming from. I get jealous/angry/bitter toward women with perfect pregnancies and/or delivery stories. I wish to tell them to shut up. That is very ugly so I don’t, but I can’t help but feel it.

You have every right to be jealous, but I think that for a lot of people–not just high risk people– we all have similar fears about pregnancy. I know that with both of mine, my stomach churned every time I had an appointment until I heard that clip-clop of my baby’s heartbeat. And even when they’re full term and healthy, I think for most parents that the panic never really goes away. But I wish you peace and hope for this pregnancy, nonetheless.

Until now, I’ve just been a lurker. I think about Maddie. I pray for your family. I wish I had something more to say. . . smething to make you feel good for today. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a long time. Since I started reading, I’ve been praying.

BRITTANY says:

I understand the jealousy completely! Bless your heart. We lost our baby Baron almost 4 yrs ago at christmas time. When I would see people out with their babies it was gut wrenching! I am also pregnant and I have placenta previa. This has been a nightmare pregnancy besides the fact that we have already lost an infant. There is not a moment of relief and I just want to enjoy it and not stress out the whole time. Fortunately I only have 4 wks from today til my c-section/hysterectomy! I think about you pretty much everyday as I am sure most of your readers do. I wish you guys the best…you are not alone with the feelings you have and it is only natural. You are a mom!

Megan says:

You have every right to feel jealousy Heather and I hope you realize that! When I had my daughter, Aubrey, at 35 weeks, I kept comparing her birth and delivery (labor + a c-section) to my sisters. I was so jealous that I didn’t get to hold my baby after she was born-that my family saw her before me, that I didn’t get to hold her for days and that I was discharged from the hospital before she was. I remember telling my mom “This isn’t fair and it isn’t at all the way I imagined it would be.” I’m pregnant with my 2nd now and just started Progesterone shots to prevent pre-term labor and am at the doctor non-stop (I’ve been diabetic since I was 11). I am jealous of my friends that have “normal” pregnancies and am so hoping my next delivery will be normal. But until then, I’ll continue to be jealous and I’m ok with that Hugs to you!

Oh how I know the jealousy feeling . . . I felt jealous of the other moms in L&D who got to take their babies home with them; I still feel jealous of the moms whose children aren’t struggling to learn to walk, crawl, etc (my little pre-term infant is in physical and occupational therapy) . . . I try to just be grateful for what I have, but the jealousy (and sometimes anger) creeps in when it seems everything is so EASY for the other moms/babies. I wish I had something helpful to say other than “oh how I relate. . . ” but that’s all I’ve got. Reading your post today reminded me that I’m not alone in the jealously, or in the occassional self-loathing that comes along with the green-eyed monster.
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Slowly but Surely . . . =-.

I had the perfect normal pregnancy until 26 weeks. Within 24 hours I developed a severe case of Preeclampsia and our daughter was delivered 14 weeks early weighing 1 lb 8 oz. She spent 113 days in the NICU with several surgeries and hundreds and hundreds of other medical procedures. We so often thought we would lose her or she would be blind or otherwise handicapped or… We did not know whether to finish her nursery or not.. She will be three years in November and still: Often I am jealous of healthy pregnant women in their 3rd trimester or Moms of healthy full-term babies. Instead of bringing home a healthy baby and having to worry about developing a schedule and getting some sleep, I spent the first week in the hospital myself – 50 miles away from the hospital Emily was cared for in. I was able to hold her for the first time 3 weeks after she was born. She came off the ventilator on Christmas eve – 6 weeks after she was born. After 6 weeks we could finally see her face for the first time. I am still grieving the loss of the third trimester, not being able to witness the birth of our baby or to hold our baby after her birth (I had to have general anaesthesia). In April this year I went to a team captain’s meeting for March for Babies and I could not even say the name of our team without tearing up: “Emily – 113 days in the NICU”. In 2010 Emily will be the Ambassdor for our county for March for Babies – well, to everyone who will attend meetings where we tell Emily’s story: Braze yourself for lots of tears. Emily is doing great but we still worry about each cold, bronchitis, pneumonia etc so much more than we should have to, had she been born fullterm. She is so much smaller still than kids her age and that makes us worry too. I do not want to worry all the time. I do not want her to always have to work so hard to catch up and learn all the things that are so much easier to learn for healthy fullterm babies… Every day when I get her out of her bed, every time when I look at her I see all the tiny scars that the IV’s left on her skin – hundreds and hundreds… One of the nurses in the NICU told me: Luckily the babies do not remember what happens in the NICU but them Moms always will. I do not want to always remember. I want to be a normal Mom and worry about normal things. I do not want to be jealous anymore. But I am. I also know she is our miracle baby. I am so thankful that we were able to bring her home. I am enjoying every minute with her and I worry every minute. My husband and I would love to have another baby but we are so very scared the same could happen again. We have seen high risk pregnancy specialists and have listened to the percentages and risks etc. I am jealous of other couples who simply decide it is the right time for their firstborn to have sibblings and than go ahead and try for another baby without having to see a million doctors first… I actually do think I might need therapy at some point in time… Only Moms who have been through the same or something similar can even start to try to understand the grief and the jealousy we feel … And I can not even try to understand how jealous you must feel…

charlene says:

Wendy says:

I don’t understand your jealousy exactly, but I do understand it in general.

I was pregnant once, but the baby didn’t have much chance at life due to some medications I was on (that also made my birth control null-and-void) and the pregnancy was very dangerous to my health. I am not even allowed to try to get pregnant, when all I have ever wanted was a child.

Amanda says:

I think it’s completely natural for you to feel jealous. I had pregnancy-induced hypertension with each of my pregnancies, and I had to be induced each time. Those difficulties pale in comparison with what you’ve been through, what you’re going through now, but I was still jealous of all the women who had healthy pregnancies and went into labor on their own. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about, and the fact that you feel this ugly emotion does nothing to diminish your beauty.

Last night, I caught the end of the VMA’s, and when they announced “Single Ladies” as best video, I immediately thought “Oh, I bet Maddie would love that, ” because I had seen the adorable video of her dancing to it. Thank you for sharing her with all of us.

Oh Heather, I hope with all my hoping power that you can get that. Not that it will make up for what you’ve lost, but that you’ll get to experience it.
.-= Selfish Mom´s last blog ..Calling all Disney Freaks! =-.

I don’t know if another comment , from a stranger who just feels so many emotions for you, matters. But to not wish you all the joy and peace and little fingers to grip.. just didn’t seem right.
No one need judge your feelings, they are your heart.
And in sharing it , you show how amazing you are. What an inspiration to so many. Your life ministers.
.-= deb@talk at the table´s last blog ..1000 gifts , Blue =-.

Jealousy really has no bounds. We all have things we are jealous of whether we want to be or not, we are human. But like you, I too am most jealous of pregant women. I have very difficult pregnancies and usually end up in the hospital. My last pregnancy ended in a 2nd trimester miscarriage. My doctor has advised me not to have anymore children due to my complications during pregnancy. It’s been 5 years and not a day goes by I don’t think of my baby. Seeing pregnant women just amplifies everything that I don’t have and can’t have. So know that you are not alone, and it’s okay.
.-= Gail´s last blog ..Week 3 Day 1 =-.

It is totally understandable that you would be jealous. My daughter was born at 26 weeks, I had planned to have the topless belly pictures (not that I have the figure but for memory sake) and I dreamt of standing with my hands on my belly, planned on sleepless nights of feeling my daughter move around inside…I feel robbed. I go to baby showers and have all I can do not to cry. I’m jealous. I’m not you but I can honestly say that if I were in a similar situation, I would feel exactly what you wrote. And in my mind you have every right to be jealous and angry.
.-= Barb´s last blog ..Mommy’s Girl =-.

I so understand that feeling. I feel that way every year when I go to the OB and see all the pregnant women and women with newborns – knowing I’ll never be one of those women. The difference between all of those other women and you is that you have ALL of us praying and pulling for you and Binky.

Susan from PA says:

You are allowed to be jealous, and worry, and anything you want. You are surviving, and that is all the matters. The joy will come, but feel what you feel and keep blogging. You will be awesome no matter what, but sad. Sad sucks, but is okay.
Praying….
Susan

Liliana says:

You have the right to feel that way. People that haven’t faced difficult pregnancies or losses often don’t realized how lucky they’re and sometimes they can be so superficial about the whole baby thing, it’s more about shopping for the baby and baby shower that at least it bothered me. When I was finally pregnant with a healthy baby I went and bought everything I needed. I kept every single receipt in case I lost my baby..it’s not something that a normal person will do, but I did it. I even kept the plastic cover for the crib matress and I removed it just a week before my due date. After all of that I have a healthy 2 year old. I’m still afraid of going throw everything again, so don’t be hard on you. Jealousy is a very natural thing in your situation! On the bright side think of how many people are cheering for you

heartbreakingly truth and magically beautiful! You are an incredible person-and no, I’m not looking for a bff, :), it’s just my job, as a fellow mom, to support other moms and let them know that even though the world of moms may all be experiencing something different, some more tragic then others, we’re all moms. Hugs to you from the burbs of Chicago.

Sarah says:

Heather,
I’ve been following your story. This post hit a chord with me. This coming Thursday is the 8 year birthday/ anniversary of the death of my first born daughter. I have to say even harder than the anger and sadness that I felt, was the lingering, burning, festering jealousy. I think those earlier feelings weren’t as surprising and the sharpness of them faded sooner.
As you say, I wanted my life back. I wanted to be a “normal” woman who just got pregnant, had a baby, and went on with the business of raising it. It took us a few years to be able to get pregnant again and even now that I have a (I give thanks every day) beautiful, healthy, fantastic, amazing five year old… that tiny seed of jealousy will peep up and surprise me every now and again. I likely will never have any more children and every time I hear of another pregnancy in my circle of friends, I’m so jealous.

I know nothing helps, I know how terrified you are for Binky every day, rational or not. Just hang in there.

i just wanted to add… i’m a green-eyed monster too right now. i look at big, beautiful pregnant women and my jelousy just burns. why??? why them and not me? why did our hearts have to get broken? i can’t help how i feel it right now and i know, neither can you.

sending you hugs and warmest wishes from a rather distant melbourne, aust.
.-= Vic´s last blog ..silence =-.

You once wrote a post about how you’d rather this happen to anyone else but to you and your baby. And how people read your blog and thank heavens that their babies are tucked safely into their beds.

I know I would feel as you do. I would rather anyone in the world die before letting my kids go. Anyone. And everyone.

It’s why I don’t comment here as often as I could, though I read every post. I have no right to exist over here with three healthy kids. I know this. And I live in fear that they will be snatched from me as your Maddie was snatched from you. How does a mother ever begin to process a pain of that magnitude? I don’t want to know.
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea =-.

Elizabeth says:

I am sorry, I am sitting here imagining the pain. I know it is so much worse than that. I understand the jealousy. I remember sitting in Dr. Risky’s waiting room, waiting to see her partner for an emergency visit b/c one of my hard fought for twins via ivf had just been diagnosed by the genetics counselor as having a “significant deletion” of one of his chromosomes. I was 20+ weeks along. I was meeting with the doc to discuss the possibilities of terminating (such a sterile word for a word I cannot write) the twin. Ironically I sat in the same spot 4 years earlier in Dr. Risky’s office when she told me I would have to do the same thing for one of my 18 week twins (for a completely different, yet totally random devestating defect). This time unfortunately there was a woman there regaling the office with stories about her current pregancy being her third set of twins and how great it was to have twins, blah, blah. At that moment, I am ashamed to write, I hated her with every fiber of my being, if I wasn’t so fat at the time I probably would have walked over and smacked her (well she was a great deal taller than me so that probably wouldn’t have worked but you get my point). The envy continued as I walked past the new moms, their full term babies and the DAMN birthing balls as I visited my son in the NICU, b/c a uterus does not like it when you mess around with it at week 21.5.
Two years later the sight of infant twins takes my breath away. I am so tremendously sorry for your pain.

Becky says:

I know a relative of this jealousy, though it’s tied with my father in my particular case. It’s such an awful feeling. When I was on campus during accepted students’ weekend or graduation, and I see all of the other students who still have their dads, and it just claws at me.

It’s absurdly difficult, especially when you know that the jealousy is directed at people who mean no harm in having what they still have. They’re just so lucky, and most of the time, it seems like they don’t realize exactly how fortunate they are.

I had a great pregnancy and never had that fear that something would happen. Nothing bad happened, my son was born healthy. Now close to 40, I wonder if I should risk having another child. This time around I would worry the whole time if something would go wrong because of my age. I have a beautiful, healthy son; I had a wonderful, drug-free birth; why risk having something bad happen? Why put myself through possible feeling like you are?

I so wish that this pregnancy will be easier on you and result in a chubby, healthy baby.

All the best to you and Mike,
Dagmar
.-= Dagmar Bleasdale´s last blog ..“Not Me” Monday =-.

Michelle W says:

I am the youngest of 3 sisters and each of my sisters have 3 children, all born healthy and “normal”. During my first pregnancy there were “abnormalities” on the Ultrasounds, visits to the NICU to prepare for my child’s birth, many visits to the Internet to learn about Dwarfism and attempts to ignore the “Lethal forms of Dwarfism”, talks with Genetic Counselors etc. We had a diagnosis of Achondroplasia Dwarfism and I tried not to be scared out of my mind, but I was. I tried not to be jealous of my sisters who had 3 healthy “normal” children but I was, I tried not to ask “Why me” but I did. That isn’t to say I didn’t love my baby wholly and completely I absolutely did, I wouldn’t even entertain the thought that “they might be wrong” as family and friend suggested, because for one thing they did 5 Ultrasounds to confirm and never once suggested that everything may in fact be “normal”, and for another I felt like I was rejecting my baby by “wishing or wanting” for them to be different than how they were going to be. I was terrified during my delivery, the NICU team was there at the ready and then my daughter surprised everyone. It was the most emotional moment of my life and I am always grateful for how things turned out, and I would have been grateful for my healthy daughter with Dwarfism as well had that been how it turned out. I was pregnant at the same time as my cousin and she lost her baby when she was 8 Months pregnant I was absolutely devastated for her and riddled with guilt. My cousin was blessed with a daughter some years later but I know that when she sees my daughter she must of course imagine the daughter she lost and experience jealousy. We can be grateful and jealous simultaneously.

It is perfectly understandable why you feel as you do. Be kind and understanding to yourself, while your feelings of jealousy may feel ugly as you put it, you Heather are anything but.

I hope this lengthy response wasn’t too self serving, I just wanted to hopefully convey “some” semblance of understanding even while I can’t fathom the depth of your pain and loss.

Michelle W says:

I often read peoples responses and most of the time they are full of compassion and understanding, though once in awhile I cringe at some and I say to myself “some people don’t have a clue”, then I remember they are usually well meaning people who wrote them. So as a disclaimer to my above post can I just acknowledge “I know I don’t have a clue really, but I mean well “

If I could take any of your pain away, even for a moment. You know I would.
Jealousy runs both ways in almost all situations, no matter the circumstances and it really supremely sucks sometimes.
No one is immune, at least there’s that right?
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..project awkward photo with malvin on the runway. =-.

Courtney says:

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Maddie. I also have APS, and our first son was stillborn at 28 weeks. I hated seeing other families or moms with their children. I didn’t understand why I didn’t deserve the same thing. And then when I got pregnant again, I was thrilled but so scared. It was not a “normal” happy pregnancy. But with the drugs, my little guy is here, happy and healthy.
I just wanted to let you know that there is hope. I can’t even imagine what you two have been through. It was devastating losing my son before birth, but it doesn’t compare to losing someone that you have held in your arms or heard their beautiful laughter. I am so sorry.

I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy. The shots hurt, but they are so worth it in the end.

Hannah says:

I’ve been reading this blog for the past several days.
I was going to go on reading– I never thought I’d leave a comment, but this entry really struck me.

I’m only 21. I don’t have any kids, and can’t really understand any of the emotions you’re having, or have had. But I want to tell you that I’m sorry. However, I don’t think “I’m sorry” is a very useful phrase in this situation, as it really doesn’t mean anything, and it’s tired.