Documentary 'Split' gives kids a say about divorce

FOR ALL THE STUDIES on how divorce impacts kids, no one seems to ask the most important people of all what they think about it — the kids themselves.

Ellen Bruno did.

The longtime San Francisco filmmaker interviewed a handful of children, aged 6 to 12, about their feelings about their parents' divorce for her new documentary, "Split."

It's an experience Bruno and Gwen Gordon of Fairfax, who collaborated on the film, know well. Both are children of divorce, and Bruno is divorced from her children's father.

"When my parents separated when I was a kid, I was pretty alone in that. At the time, it was believed that silence was the best medicine, so to speak," Bruno says. "I know from my own experience and I also know from my kids' experience, when things aren't talked about, kids have wild imaginations and they imagine the worst. They become the monsters under the bed. Bringing these conversations out in the open is a huge relief for kids."

That's why there are no adults or divorce "experts" in the 30-minute film that is at turns funny, poignant and candid — just children talking from the heart about what it feels like to go through a divorce, which a million children experience every year in the United States.

Kids will listen to each other, Bruno says. And they are disarmingly frank on camera.

"Here's a perfect family "... the mom and dad love each other and they eat pancakes every day. But that will never happen in the world. No one's perfect. Nothing is perfect," one boy says emphatically.

"It's like something that you really love breaks, and you can't put it back together again," a young girl says.

Other kids matter-of-factly state that screaming or crying can help, but it's best not to get in the way of fighting parents.

"Having it be their voices was intuitively obvious to me, even though I didn't know it hadn't been done before," says Gordon, 49, who has had a long history of working on films and other projects for children facing scary situations, and who directed the film's animation of the children's drawings. "I feel very attuned to and sensitive to suffering of children. It's just a part of my work consistently."

"Split" is not only intended for children to watch, but also their parents, teachers, therapists, clergy, family lawyers — anyone and everyone who can support children through a difficult time.

Bruno was careful to not whitewash the pain, sadness and losses, but she wanted the film to be hopeful, to help kids realize they will get through it and things do get better.

Gordon reiterates that in the accompanying activity book she wrote.

"A lot of the pain are the stories we make up in our head, and the worries and the fears," says Gordon, who also recommends that kids invite people to become part of their "dream team"— teachers, coaches and other adults who can support them.

There were a few common themes they heard from the children: they hate the fighting; they often continue to hope that their parents will get back together — even if one or both are repartnered; and many believe on some level that the divorce was their fault.

Divorce has become so normalized for adults, Bruno says, that "there's a misconception that it's also normalized for the kids. It's a profound change for children, even in the best circumstances. So this is really about getting kids to talk, and getting parents to listen."

After a screening of the nearly complete documentary last month in San Francisco, Bruno says some of the parents of the children in 'Split' emailed her that the film was healing for their child and their family.

"That was very encouraging. If parents made the safe space for a really straightforward conversation with their kids about what's happening, the parents would in a sense be relieved as would their kids," she says.

"I'm really proud of the work Ellen did and I'm proud to be part of it," Gordon says.

More than anything she, like Bruno, hope it gives children courage and promise.

"I hope they'll see themselves, see something about their experience that's articulated "... that they feel more connected to the world on a journey others have traveled and so they're safer. They're not alone, and that there are things they can do," Gordon says. "And I hope that it helps their relationships with their parents, which is what really matters."

Vicki Larson can be reached at vlarson@marinij.com; follow her on Twitter at @OMGchronicles, fan her on Facebook at Vicki-Larson-OMG-Chronicles