Prosecutor: (continuing) I had to spend days rehearsing my witnesses, a pathetic bunch of crybabies and losers, to make them get their stories straight. My police witnesses, of course, don’t remember a thing about the incident except that every gun is in plain sight, every defendant has glassy eyes and emanates the odor of alcoholic beverages, and every hassle with a civilian results in substantial pain and physical impairment to the cop, forcing him or her to take three years of paid leave.

In conclusion, get over yourself. Nothing outside of you is within your control, so don’t waste your effort. You’ll only make yourself more miserable. Be serene, dignified, patient, and honest at all times; that, and that alone, is within your power.

Education secretary Damian Hinds said: “British people have been flicking the Vs since 1415 and the battle of Agincourt, where we so memorably used them to transcend language barriers and tell the French to fuck off.

Supervenus is a humorous, if not tragic, view into contemporary female beauty standards. Experimental filmmaker, Frederic Doazan and sound editor, Vandy Roc created this film. They begin with the surface anatomy of a woman in an anatomical text that looks to be from the 1800s. We then see the gloved hands of a surgeon meticulously cutting, plumping, and stretching the female figure from her standard healthy size down to ridiculous proportions. When you think there are no more modifications left to make, the surgeon does a little more, goes a little further, and gets a lot more ridiculous. Until everything starts to fall apart…

6.) Keep in view your real goal: grandstanding to get lots of likes on your replies, not to seriously engage your ideological foes’ worldviews. It’s a successful argument if you get a few hundy likes on each of your replies. In fact, rather than replying directly to the person, quote their tweet and post your scathing reply to all your followers for more likes and shares.

Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can understand. We reduced every book to a single, memorable line, so you don’t have to read a word of it for yourself. Nice!

Roy Moore isn’t “Chief Justice Roy Moore.” He was that, but he no longer is, because he was kicked out for violating Alabama’s Canons of Judicial Ethics, including Canon 2, “A Judge Shall Not Dump Upon the Rule of Law.” There is some disagreement about whether a person can go around using a title he or she no longer holds. I’m not really sure why that is, since HE OR SHE NO LONGER HOLDS IT and so it’s potentially deceptive. But even if you think a former judge or senator or whatever should be able to do that generally speaking, surely that should not apply to one who had the title removed for misconduct. I guess the sentence could be read to imply that Moore is Chief Justice of the “Foundation for Moral Law,” not of a court. But then it would just be false.

That’s not to say we aren’t making tons of progress. Every time a game is lauded for its story, concept, and art direction, without considering whether or not the experience is enjoyable or would have worked just as well as an animated short on Vimeo, we get a little closer.

Chinese food and a movie. Perfectly pleasant rituals, made special by the fact that the Gentiles are all at home or at church. After a month or two of listening to Christmas music blasted everywhere, after weeks of avoiding malls and shopping centers because of frenzied Christmas shopping, finally the Jews can emerge and just enjoy a simple ethnic meal and a movie with the other minorities that make help make this country great.

“You guys are Serbs, right?” he asks crowds in Republika Srpska. “Am I the only Omer you’ve ever met without killing? I have to thank you for my pension, by the way. I wouldn’t have gotten it if you hadn’t killed my father.”

It’s not ritual, it’s not ceremony, it’s not going to church on the first day of the week and wearing your Sunday best. It’s not wearing shined-up shoes and polo shirts so everyone else at church will think you’re doing alright. It’s not cold, and it’s not dead. It is a living, active relationship with God’s chosen ruler of the United States.

Don’t measure your faith by how much stuff you do for God; measure your faith by how closely your life emulates that of our savior, Donald Trump. This simple paradigm shift will cause your spiritual growth to skyrocket as you shed the empty shell of false religion and connect on a personal level with Trump.

“Being aware of the risks of not having a convenient access to spirits, beer, or wine is very real,” announced Steve Cashwell, a director at Emergency Measures Ontario. “Be prepared for anything from a fire or earthquake, to a tornado or a strike at the LCBO that really limits your options to the Beer Store, supermarkets, breweries, wineries, distilleries, and wine retailers.”

Cashwell reminded everyone to make sure a preparedness kits contains two bottles of wine, one Two-Four of beer, three mickeys, a glass, a bottle-opener, and a flashlight so you can find your stash in the event of a power outage.

Sources inside the faculty say that the couple easily could have collaborated on any number of projects that would have been “absolutely devastating”. Worse predictions ran the gamut from “Christmas album” to “Michael Jackson memorial tribute album” to “God forbid, a baby.”

“Cutting-edge research and ancient prophecy both confirm that such a child could bring about the end of all music,” Radkowicz said. “Plus, they’d probably name it something stupid, like Kaelynn.”

“Contrary to popular opinion, yes, we are still around,” Most Reverend Michael Curry, head of the apparently-still-in-existence Episcopalian Church, allegedly said Monday in front of a dilapidated, overgrown church building. “We exist, and we plan to continue not to die. In fact, we are still hanging in there, and to my knowledge, we have not yet ceased to be.” Curry then allowed reporters to touch his hands to prove his existence, though all photos of Curry’s press conference mysteriously disappeared.

“I spend most my time reading Peter Sotos and recording power-saws grinding up against concrete with a Fischer-Price tape recorder I have had since I was a kid. Some might see these activities as inherently masculine; they’re all entrapped by their illusions,” said the pale and shaky McDonald. “I try to stay in as much as possible, as people make me physically ill. The sun is false hope for the human race. We are our darkest desires.”

The crucial thing about this generation is that their character is formed entirely in Trump’s image. They are hedonistic, totally self-centred, have a short attention span, are prone to mood swings, and are almost entirely ignorant of the world beyond their own immediate concerns. On the other hand, they can be loving and affectionate, and many are totally family-oriented.

“Take me now, Father God. I am ready,” Wesley whispered almost inaudibly as other church leaders debated about the overuse of the copy machine. “I listened intently to the discussion about the scheduling conflict between Sunday’s potluck and the church softball game. I endured the complaints about the temperature in the sanctuary. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”

The possible change was signaled by Pope Francis during a meeting with the International Union Of Priests when a priest asked, “Priests are sinners, but they also have the ability to forgive sins. Why can they forgive the sins of everyone including the pope, but not themselves?”

NORTH BEND, OR—Internet users looking at Jacob Livingstone’s Twitter profile—which features a professional photo of him laid over a background gradient, along with a cover photo depicting a large city at night—might be led to believe the man is an important figure in modern culture, but recent research seems to suggest his bold claims about himself are at least partial fabrications.

Like everyone, I mocked the tweet. Deep down, I never thought it could happen to me. Now I wish I had stopped to think things through, because I didn’t know how to respond. A terrorist had actually kidnapped my baby. By all indications, he had rigged the poor little tyke with a bomb set to go off in one hour. Somehow, miraculously, I had wound up in the same room with him. And now I faced a terrible choice: do I torture the terrorist, or let my baby be blown up, by the bomb that he had rigged the baby with, and then left the baby at some remote location while winding up in a situation where he could be tortured by me?

“Most of my friends have library late fees so big they’d make your head spin off your shoulders. But before you balk, please let me explain: That stuff is just part of the celebrity lifestyle.”
—Amy Adams
On excess

I hardly know where to begin with this, my thoughts are so scattered and unfocused, and because this is Exactly What It Says On The Tin. Ayn Rand once had a breakup that went so badly she cursed the guy’s penis for the rest of his life and he moved across the entirety of America to Los Angeles to escape the Dick Curse of Ayn Rand, only it didn’t work because once Ayn Rand has it out for your genitals. you’re already dead.

“That verse kicked off a shift in my life, and it came when I was at rock bottom,” Levenson told reporters as he showed off the inked inscription of the passage in between his shoulder blades. “I was out of a job and in the middle of a rough patch with my girlfriend. I was struggling with spiritual doubt. And to top it all off, I was captured and carried into captivity by an Ancient Mesopotamian empire.”

STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying. “He just started going to church for the very first time a couple months ago even though he’s 49 years old, and now he wears a cross and everything—boy, you’ve got to think it was something pretty terrible that made him religious at this point,” said coworker Jessica Redmond, who explained that because D’Amato was all of a sudden attending multiple services per week and now often peppers his conversations with mentions of the light that Jesus provides to his life, the cause of his religious awakening was almost certainly “really, really bad.” “The guy’s nearly 50, and now he finds God right out of the blue? I bet it’s something with drugs. Or maybe he killed someone in a car accident. Either way, something super messed up happened to him.” At press time, speculation about D’Amato’s circumstances had grown more rampant after sources confirmed he had volunteered to read a passage from Ephesians about forgiveness and redemption during last week’s services at the local Presbyterian church.

Just a quick side note for you: if you or your kids accidentally knock over my nativity set, pull an ornament off one of the five Christmas trees in the foyer, or otherwise tweak any of the Christmas decorations I spent the last four days painstakingly crafting and meticulously dressing all over the church building, I will end you.

EUGENE, OR—Arriving back at work after a two-week winter vacation, local marketing assistant Matthew Bueso told reporters Monday he was happy to return to the office with a fresh and rejuvenated loathing for his job. “It’s always nice to get away for a few weeks, clear my head, and come back invigorated with a newfound disgust for my place of employment and the various responsibilities of my thoroughly depressing job,” said Bueso, 38, noting that his time away had inspired him to complete mind-numbing administrative tasks, engage in idle discussions with his aggravating coworkers, and listen to bullshit inspirational speeches from his boss with a rekindled sense of anger and despair. “I’m rested, my batteries are recharged, and I’m ready to despise my entire professional life more intensely than ever before!” At press time, a revitalized Bueso was furiously balling his fists at the sound of a nearby coworker’s loud typing.

COLUMBUS, OH—Facing a critical shortage of key lethal injection drugs with over 100 inmates currently waiting on the state’s death row, desperate Ohio officials announced Tuesday that they were now exploring homeopathic execution methods. “Supply restrictions prevent us from obtaining the thiopental sodium or pentobarbital used under our old system, but we’re confident that our new combination of noxious herbs and lethal dilutions will allow us to swiftly and humanely execute our worst offenders via natural means,” said Ohio prisons spokesperson Michael Ewert, adding that the state had consulted with a number of leading homeopaths, gurus, and yogis to ensure their new, holistic method of capital punishment would be effective for killing inmates in mind, body, and soul. “The linchpin of our new system is a potent three-herb cocktail of foxglove, wolfsbane, and deadly nightshade, which will shut down the inmate’s chakras one by one before completely extinguishing their ch’i and then, finally, stopping their heart.” At press time, Ewert confirmed that the state had scrapped the new procedure after an inmate’s spirit had been trapped at the threshold of the natural world for three hours before finally passing into a state of infinite wisdom.

“Similarly, the ticket buyers would voluntarily give up their $800 for a seat. The transaction makes both buyer and seller better off. That is how free markets are supposed to work.” Ya see, folks, here’s how the invisible hand of the marketplace works. It all begins with rational free agents acting in rational ways. Let’s say you need a car to get to work, so you buy one at the market rate. The car company pays workers to make the cars, at a rate the free market determines their skills are worth. Meanwhile, elsewhere, a bunch of bankers need to make several million dollars doing credit default swaps, but in doing so, they inadvertently screw up the economy in such a way that there’s less money around. Now fewer people can afford to buy cars, and the car workers’ skills are suddenly worth nothing, even though they’re still just as good at making cars and everyone still wants cars just as much as they did before, so they lose their jobs. (The cars are contributing to an extinction-level environmental catastrophe, but it’s also bad to stop making them, because the free market has determined that there shouldn’t be any convenient public transportation, so if people don’t have cars they won’t be able to get to work and they’ll be unemployed too.) Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, word of the workers’ plight reaches a man whose free-market skills are worth thousands of times what the car workers’ ever were, due to his ability to think up such brilliant comedic conceits as “what if Lance Ito worked at Benihana.” He decides to remedy the workers’ lack of regular currency by supplying them with nature’s currency, which is jokes. The workers decide to turn the comedic capital back into regular capital by selling the tickets to other free-market agents. Finally, the assets are bought on the free market by people who have 800 extra dollars lying around that they earned doing credit default swaps. What an inspiring chain of events. You’ll note that in this scenario, the only people who actually do anything that contributes to making anyone’s life better have all been laid off, yet somehow this is supposed to prove that the free market makes sense. Economists explaining the market have a real knack for not seeing the big picture. It’s like when the hoarders on Hoarders stick their arm into a horrifying pile of junk, pull out an antique music box, and go “See, this stuff is nice! I can’t believe you want me to throw it away.”

Among other things, the Federalists published anonymous letters accusing Jefferson of having been a coward during the Revolution (scandalous!) and of having an affair with one of his slaves (scandalous! also true!). They also claimed Jefferson was mixed-race himself and that he planned to free all the slaves if he won (scandalous! also false), showing that playing the “race card” is nothing new. (Fun fact: The guy who wrote many of these slurs was Alexander Hamilton.) Other Adams supporters warned that Jefferson’s election “would result in a civil war and a national orgy of rape, incest, and adultery,” and that his supporters were “cut-throats who walk in rags and sleep amid filth and vermin[!].”

WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation. “Given all this great country has achieved, I felt it was important to take the time to come here today in order to show my appreciation and say my final goodbyes,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel, one of over 200 presidents and prime ministers who flew to the U.S. capital to share their favorite memories of the 240-year-old nation and tell the country just how much it always meant to them before it was too late. “When it became clear that time was running out, I felt I had to come here and see this wonderful country one last time, as it has been a dear friend of ours. Sure, we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but we knew it always meant well. While this is certainly a sad occasion, at least we can take comfort knowing that it had a full, rich life and that this was just its time to go.” Sources confirmed that Pakistan’s president, Mamnoon Hussain, delivered his deepest sympathies on behalf of the Chinese delegation, which was unable to make the trip.

“I always thought [Flesh Smell] was just bad,” said Weber, “but they look so much more professional with those matching costumes. I’m thinking they’re more experimental. Like actual artists, or something. They have something going on that I don’t quite understand. It’s innovative.”

Flesh Smell’s three-year career has been nearly universally considered “sub-par at best.” Zine editor and guy-that-buys-everyone-beer, Hector Mule, recalled, “I remember seeing them at a house show where the bass player’s amp wasn’t plugged in for the entire set. He didn’t even know. He just kept asking his drummer to play softer so he could hear himself.”

It’s no great secret how he acquired the ability to levitate and propel himself through the air at will. “Ever since I was a boy, I’ve wanted to fly,” he announced Sunday from his pulpit in front of 15,000 churchgoers and another 7 million watching on TV. “Well I just decided one day I wasn’t going to let the enemy hold me back anymore, and I started boldly declaring before God each and every day that I was going to fly. I spoke the words, ‘I’m taking the limits off of you, God. I will achieve flight. I declare it so!’ And guess what happened, church…”

Witnesses report the man then dove to the floor and began to roll to put out the fire sparked by the faulty Samsung battery, screaming for help as he rolled around, but his fellow worshipers were simply overjoyed to “see the Spirit move in such a powerful way,” not realizing his wild and sudden movements were the result of a small fire on his person.

The Person-Guy comes in many forms. Sometimes he’s just you, and all the things you like to do, reified into something that is at once a general social type and a Platonic model from which lesser beings can learn such valuable lessons as ‘it is good to have at least one daughter’ and ‘pronounce the word “helicopter” correctly, you utter cretin.’ But most of the time the Person-Guy is someone you don’t like. The Person-Guy is either very stupid, or not entirely stupid, but the wrong kind of not entirely stupid. The Person-Guy is all the vain and shallow women that ever rejected you. The Person-Guy supports a politician you have reservations about, wore a toga to a frat party, and is mysteriously close to the levers of power. The Person-Guy is absolutely real.

“We’ve reviewed footage of Woodward’s little stunt up there,” a stern elder Bryce Etherton said in a statement to press. “And while yes, Kyle definitely laid it down like a boss, we’re placing him under our church discipline and restoration process for disregarding the clear regulative guidelines for bass usage in the context of the local church.”

"My life is way too active for (affliction here). That's why I use (product). It's got (ingredient), so it always give me (product benefits !, 2 & 3). It's one less thing to think about during my busy days. And nights. (wink)"

Located adjacent to the school’s beloved multi-purpose building, The Vines Center, the impressive Trump Liberty Casino will boast over 1000 gaming machines and 35 table games, while offering a convenient, direct connection to Liberty’s Business Office. “Students will have the opportunity to hit it big playing craps and then pay off their tuition, all in one place—all while supporting President Donald J. Trump and Liberty University, and experiencing our state-of-the-art gaming floor, dozens of generous table games, and fine membership benefits,” announced Falwell, Jr., who noted that the mogul and the Christian university will be splitting gaming income “right down the middle.”

“I guess my soul just hurts man, I suppose if these people just learned some manners then things would be easier. At the end of the day I am human, how about a thumbs up or an A-OK symbol? I can’t handle the negativity any longer,” said Grunwald.

SA — A cold-blooded killer who threatens the safety of everyone around him due to his uncontrollable rage and easy access to firearms was put on paid administrative leave today.

“It’s just good to get a guy like this off the streets,” said local police captain Joe Herkins. “And force him to think about what he’s done while cashing a paycheck in a tropical paradise somewhere. He’ll just have to oppress minorities without a gun for a few months and see how he feels about his actions after that.”