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Thursday, February 24, 2011

OSCARS!!! YAY!!! Or, wait ... no? I mean, we're ALL excited about the 83rd annual Academy Awards (no a'doy), but, really, it's getting a little out of hand. It's 2011 -- do we still care about dresses and pageantry and Jack Nicholson's sunglasses? Is Bruce Vilanch still relevant? Or funny? UGH. REGARDLESS, we here at F This Movie! will be live-tweeting the broadcast this Sunday, Feb. 27, from the comfort of JB's house. Jealous? Well, you don't need to be! Just follow our Twitter feed and laugh along with us!

Bad TeacherRelease date: June 17, 2011

This trailer is NSFW (headphones up!), but it's also pretty funny. RED BAND in the HOUSE! Cameron Diaz plays a "bad" "teacher," who, upon meeting Justin Timberlake, wants to be the BEST teacher in order to win a cash bonus that will enable her to buy breast implants, which, she hopes, will make JT love her. Pretty airtight plot synopsis, if I don't say so myself. Also, Phyllis from The Office, and Jason Segal, who ROCKS. Speaking of Jason Segal, when is The Muppets coming out?

HesherRelease date: April 2011

Natalie Portman again? Oh brother. This movie first screened at the Sundance Film Festival in January 2010[!], but it doesn't have a firm release date yet. In the film, Joseph Gordon-Levitt channels his recently deceased brother, Burning Dan. Some question whether or not this is a legitimate trailer, but who cares! It looks interesting, albeit a little (as JB would say) Indie Precious[tm].

ArthurRelease date: April 8, 2011

I'm feeling a little lazy today (boo!), so I will again defer to Patrick and his wonderfully written review of this trailer on his About.com Comedians site, here. Personally, I'm looking forward to Russell Brand's remake of Arthur 2: On the Rocks, in which Katy Perry demands to adopt a baby from a washed up Aldous Snow (huh?).

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hello lovers. I hope this blog post finds you well rested after all the Valentine's Day coitus. What did I do? Funny you should ask -- I watched the most romantic movie on earth: My Bloody Valentine. Just kidding! I watched that last Halloween with Patrick and JB (and our respective lady friends). Very scary. VERY erotic. For reals, I watched A Single Man with my wife. Science fact: a depressed gay British university professor living in Southern California in 1962 > a dozen roses and a box of chocolate. The more you know!

X-Men: First ClassRelease date: June 3, 2011

Last week, on F This Movie!'s Twitter feed, I called the X-Men: First Class trailer, "Dotally dawesome," and I still think it looks pretty neat! This is the first time I've been excited about an X-Men movie since 2003's X2. Don't let me down, First Class! And, BTW, you should really start following our Twitter feed (#shamelessplug) -- you have no excuse NOT to at this point. Do it, tweeps!

Sucker PunchRelease date: March 25, 2011

If your first reaction to this trailer is "WTH?" I wouldn't blame you. This is director (and co-writer) Zack Snyder's first film without source material (he previously directed the Dawn of the Dead remake, 300, Watchmen and Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole[!]), so nothing should hold him back, right? I'm excited about Sucker Punch, much the same way I was excited about the Drive Angry 3D trailer -- I so desperately want the movie to be AWESOME, but can easily see it shitting the bed.

Take Me Home TonightRelease date: March 4, 2011

I know those songs! Remember the 80s? Ah ... wait, what? What is this thing? Seriously, what IS this THING? And why is Dan Fogler in it? Seriously, that guy needs to stop making movies. He's so loud and desperate and covered in flop sweat ... didn't we learn our lesson after Good Luck Chuck? What lesson? That Dane Cook and Dan Fogler need to be tied to a raft and pushed out to sea. The fact that I even know this guy's name annoys me. Ugh, Take Me Home Tonight!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

How 'bout that Super Bowl? Super Boring commercials, amIright? Well, soak it up, football fans, because it looks like there might be a player's strike next year. And THEN who are you gonna watch? Shane Falco? The answer is yes -- we will be watching Shane Falco. "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever."

Super 8Release date: June 10, 2011

This is the second trailer for Super 8, which is directed by J.J. Abrams and produced by Señor Spielbergo. The first "teaser" trailer, here, is actually longer, but shows less of the movie. I first saw this during the Super Bowl, and, for a brief moment, it made me forget about how much I hate the Packers. Close Encounters of the Third Kind meets X-Men meets Paul (#pauljoke)?

BridesmaidsRelease date: May 13, 2011

I'm not even going to bother with any commentary about this movie, because Patrick already did it ... and BETTER. Click here to read his unique take on this trailer. And while you're at it, subscribe to his About.com Comedians newsletter! You're welcome.

Red StateRelease date: Oct. 19, 2011

Can Kevin Smith just retire already? I'm not saying that this movie doesn't look good (it doesn't), or that Kevin Smith doesn't still have talent (he doesn't), I'm just annoyed by the fact that the March 8 Chicago premiere of this movie costs $77.50 for the CHEAPEST ticket. Also, weed, tweets, hockey and jorts.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Patrick and Mark Ahn are plagued by snowstorms and sound issues as they F crazy Russian Timur Bekmambetov's amoral 2008 shoot-'em-up Wanted and discuss second-chance movies. What the f have you done lately?

Greetings from Honduras! BOOM! Just because my wife and I take an exotic vacation doesn't mean I can't provide you with the latest batch of racist, anti-Semitic, hot-tub-blowjobic trailers, does it? Without further ado ...

The BeaverRelease date: March 23, 2011

I deserve to be blown, first, before the fucking Jacuzzi! OK? I'll burn the goddamn house down, but blow me first! (screaming) How dare you! How fucking dare you. (panting) Rerrrggghh! You wanted the number of my therapist? Don't you ever speak to him! Find your own goddamn therapist. (panting) Because you got problems, more than me.

HannaRelease date: April 8, 2011

I'm intrigued by this movie, but hardly because of this nutty trailer. And that girl's kind of ... scary looking? I know I shouldn't comment (good or bad) about the looks of underage actresses, but her face haunts my dreams (which is probably the point). Also (spoiler?), Cate Blanchett is her mom, right? That, or she's an AI robot (David?). "My brain is falling out."

Your HighnessRelease date: April 8, 2011

If you're feeling randy, check out the red-band trailer, here. In fact, F the embedded YouTube video above: you only really need to see the R-rated version; specifically, 1:25 minutes in. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing! Natalie Portman FTW! That PG trailer is LAME. And what's with the CGI underpants? Disgrazia!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Since most of us at F This Movie! are currently buried by 14 feet of snow, it seems like a great time to F movies that take place in the snow. So let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend. We can name him Bob or we can name him Beowulf.

1. The Thing (1982) - John Carpenter's best movie (sorry, Halloween) is also one of the best horror movies ever made. Rarely has cold and snow seemed more desolate or oppressive. The murderous alien freakshow only makes it worse.

2. Fargo (1996) - Speaking of the best movies ever made.

3. Snow Day (2000) - You would think that a movie celebrating the limitless possibilities of the most glorious of days would be fun. Snow Day isn't.

4. The Shining (1980) - See the above description of The Thing, only swap out "murderous alien freakshow" for "creepy fucking twins and elevator blood and pig face head and Jack Nicholson."

7. The Empire Strikes Back (1980) - Because HOTH and I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

8. A Simple Plan (1998) - Sam Raimi graduates from horror and comic books and does a stellar Gothic tragedy with a black, black heart. Great movie. Sam Raimi would then move on to comic books and Kevin Costner. Because progress.

9. Better Off Dead (1985) - This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

10. Frozen (2010) - Adam Green's non-Hatchet horror movie is basically Open Water on a ski lift, but it's still a really effective exercise in building tension and knowing just how awful to be. If only those CGI wolves would have stayed out of it.