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Monthly Archives: February 2015

Ok, in the words of a few colleagues and friends I “took one for the team” by actually going to see the film rather than sit on the sidelines commenting from afar.

The controversy and hype on Social Media has been intense over the past few days. The jokes and spoofs have also brought a smile to my lips and I was prepared for a challenging couple of hours so I booked two tickets for the studio cinema of the Genesis which has a bar in the cinema and super comfy sofas and ordered a large glass of Shiraz. I took a good friend, performer and wit Ernesto Tomasini in one of his rare nights off in London and we settled down for a giggle and a groan!

Top line: I certainly didn’t feel the film was as bad as the hype, Jane Fae’s review seemed fair and totally on point. I read it before and I read it afterwards and it strikes me as the fairest and most balanced. Check it out as it says all that needs to be said. Allowing ME to focus here on my own perspective and trying to say something that hasn’t been said already.

Christian Grey was a clearly mixed up guy who could use some therapy to heal his emotionally damaged childhood trauma, but he did seem redeemable and in fact he shifted a fair bit on his “I don’t do romance” by taking her on a joyful and completely gratuitous glider flight and during what was a very empowered “business meeting’ to discuss his submission contract, agreeing to a weekly Date Night.

Ana came across as increasingly empowered and strong character who exited the relationship when she found out at her own request how bad Grey’s punishment might be (six of the best, which was actually pretty mild by most people’s idea of CP play).

In fact his ‘punishment’ scene looked like it hurt him as much as it did her and her punishment of him (withdrawal) was much more severe (as it often is). She portrayed a much stronger person and not the defenceless weak woman I had expected from the reviewers.

Grey appeared more of a ‘Service Dom’, focussing on her sensual arousal and awakening rather than abusing her and she did seem to be consenting. He was not sadistic or cruel or a self centred lover. There were no skull fucking scenes until she gagged and vomited and he didn’t send her back to her room with her face covered in semen. The sex was sensual, tender, and really very tame and Grey used condoms!

Lifestyle BDSM in a Dominant/submissive relationship often does involve controlling the submissive’s diet, well being, clothing etc. It probably wouldn’t be rushed into like it was in the film, and especially not with a virgin ingenue like Ana, and so the laments by the BDSM community (most of which haven’t actually seen the movie when asked to comment) that it’s not accurately representing BDSM are missing the point a bit. It’s a movie, not a documentary! I actually think we under estimate people’s ability to recognise that movies are different to real life.

We have so few representations of our lives in film I think community members want to see highly accurate portrayal and that may not make for great drama. I remember a few decades ago the uproar when Al Pacino played the gay leather clad lead in a film called Cruising. The gay community had no positive representations of our lives that this disturbing film presented us in the worse possible light. Virtually every gay film for decades contains tropes and stereotypes and we know life isn’t quite like that!

Maybe we need the equivalent of the highly effective Trans Media Watch campaigning for accurate BDSM content? This is something that NCSF and CARAS are doing and there are now lots of opportunities for teaching all the neophytes to BDSM lots of things about consent and safety!

I read one extensive post where virtually no one had seen the film (and most hadn’t appeared to have read the books either), but when asked for a soundbite all managed to come up with something to educate the readership (and promote their websites)!

Two things did disturb me about his stalking really was the most outrageous and scary aspect but we’ve seen that trope of the boy chasing girl in many movies before and not been labelling it as abusive. I also recall Judi Dench as M waiting in James Bond’s hotel bedroom. It is always jarring when someone surprises us like that.

Is it the BDSM context for this movie which is actually the subject of most criticism, but that it’s being presented intimate partner abuse?

One thing that seems to have gone un commented upon so far, I found the early ‘Are you gay?’ joke both unnecessary and offensive.

Bottom line: I’m glad I saw the movie myself, I don’t regret doing so and I feel pleased I had a chance to come to some views of my own.

Dominic Davies
Psychotherapist, Clinical Sexologist

If you’re a therapist have you booked for our Beyond the Rainbow conference which will amongst other things explore BDSM on 21 March 2015 in London

This week I’m blogging about kink up to the film release of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yesterday focused on finding out more. Today I’m covering how to figure out, and communicate, what you’re into.

Figuring out what you’re into

There’s a sense in Fifty Shades that the kind of ‘kinky fuckery’ that Ana finds herself enjoying is fine, but that the kind of ‘real’ BDSM that Christian is after is not okay. Please put these kinds of distinctions from your mind! People are always trying to draw lines between what kinds of play are okay and what kinds aren’t. For ages it was that missionary penis-in-vagina man/woman sex was fine and nothing else was. Then it expanded a bit to any kind of sex involving genitals was okay, but other stuff wasn’t. Now, after Fifty Shades, we’re told that a bit of light spanking and fluffy handcuffs is okay…

Many people within the Kink community quite rightly objected to the portrayal of the relationship as abusive and challenging deeply held norms within the Kink community around play being ‘Safe, Sane and Consensual’.

However, the book, has resulted in more people learning about Kink, attending munches (social meetings in regular pubs) and going to kink-oriented clubs and buying more fetish gear and toys. They’re has been an enormous explosion of interest in BDSM and Kink.

In my view this has been very helpful, it’s helped to reduce the shame that many people have held about their fantasies and desires for power exchange based sex (Dominance and submission) and for certain levels of restriction and restraint (bondage) or certain kinds of pain based play which increases endorphins and can be intensely pleasurable for some (masochism). These are all entirely normal and very common fantasies and desires and now many people are feeling empowered to legitimately incorporate them into their sexual relationships. These then get added to their repertoire of existing preferred sexual behaviours and can lead to enhanced communication with their partners and deeper intimacy and connection.

But what about the consent issue? Christian Grey is clearly abusive and engaging in intimate partner violence and this is being presented as BDSM. However, whilst we’ve seen a huge increase in interest in BDSM, I haven’t heard of a similar increase in presentations at Domestic Violence charities or to the Police where people are stating the abuse occurred in their relationship because of the 50 Shades phenomenon. I think the readership of what are, by all accounts really poorly written books are intelligent enough to see that Grey is abusive and to separate out the hot exchange of power and sensation (the two core elements of BDSM) from the non consensual side of things.

Having said this, Consent IS a big issue for those of us in kink community and a large scale research project by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is underway and lots of conversations about non consensual experiences are being had within the community. An education campaign is being undertaken by many activists in the community to try and address these issues. But these consent issues predated the 50 Shades phenomena and has been an issue in our community with people often being afraid to speak out or worried they won’t be taken seriously.

I think the Kink community IS attending to this issue and the newcomers to the community need education about what IS and isn’t safe and good practice in incorporating these powerful techniques into their lives. I’d like to encourage readers to check out and follow the blog of one of our Clinical Associates Dr Meg John Barker, author of the excellent book Rewriting the Rules who has been been blogging about BDSM in the run up to the movie being released.

(I’m aware that I’ve missed some flags, and that some are more contentious than others, but I wanted to put up a selection)

Do you identify as lesbian, gay, bi, trans, queer, genderqueer, pansexual, non-binary, asexual, intersex, polyamorous, ethically non-monogamous, kinky, or with some other alternative gender or sexual diversity? Are you a supervisor, therapist or a trainee?

As a psychotherapy trainee who identifies as queer, sometimes, I am glad of the opportunity to be able to talk with experienced therapists who identify in similar ways to me. I was recently at a Pink Therapy event and was part of a conversation where it was suggested that it might be a good idea to create some kind of mentor program to help trainees in similar positions. I’ve volunteered to organise it.