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Monday, 10 February 2014

Next EVE Expansion Is Just Microsoft Excel

Acknowledging that EVE is basically a game
for nerds that love spreadsheets, CCP has boldly decided just to hand out
copies of Microsoft Excel for their next expansion. Since most of you are in
fact nerds and do in fact love Excel, an extra free copy of Microsoft’s popular
virginity retainment software will likely be a big hit with fans. Here’s the
official, and might I add delicately worded, press release:

“Listen, nerds, don’t deny how much you
love numbers, math, and masturbating so we’re gonna phone this one in and give
you a free license to Microsoft Excel. We both know you go a big veiny one for
spreadsheets so don’t even bother to flame us. And while we’re at it, next up
on the product roadmap is in-game integration with RussianMailOrderBrides.com
(do we know our demographic or WHAT?). Also we’re introducing a ‘Plex for
Pizza’ program where Dominos will deliver a hot cheesy circle of garbage
straight to your door in exchange for a PLEX. All it takes is the click of the
Dominos icon in your Station Services panel.

Of course, once we roll this out to
nullsec all the big alliances will drive the price of PLEX down to try to just
defeat their enemies by coaxing them into a food coma. We’re all about the meta
game here at CCP.”

What follows is pure editorialization on
the author’s behalf, which I realize is highly unorthodox for the Eveion which
has never posted an untrue thing in its
entire history, but I think this move is a game changer. I, for one, can’t
even remember the username and password to my PVP toons. I get home from work,
pop open a Zima, and roll out multiple Planetary Interaction spreadsheets
across my three massive monitors. I then (also did I mention I am naked from
the waist down for this part?) marvel on how if I squeeze out 3 more Nanites
from Jita IV per day I can make one extra Wetware Mainframe 13 months from now!
Haha, take that CCP: I just fucking won
EVE.