These are my honest opinions about the script **As I read it, stream of conciousness**. Please don't take them as needlessly antagonistic-- I am trying to explain
to you how this script made me feel and it was not a good feeling. I hope you can use this to improve in some way, and take it in the spirit it was meant.
I can tell this works in your head, but is does not work at all on paper.
The humor **ALWAYS** misses, and not just misses but made me cringe a majority of the time because it's
so awkward and unfunny.
You are not in the head of your audience-- you are deep, deep in your own head and this attempt doesn't show the self-awareness
necessary to bring your vision into terms the rest of us can understand.
All of the conversations feel like one person in all of the roles trying to sound clever and failing miserably.
The most frustrating thing is that the characters seem to feel that their wit succeeds-- it does not. The things they say rarely make
sense until I sit back and try to disect their motivations. Most of the time it becomes clear that you're trying to be clever, but
the path to understanding the conversation is so convoluted, no one will ever even realize what you're trying to say.
I cannot stress enough, this screenplay is tonally equivalent to a crackhead having an emotional breakdown while getting a handjob.
It is so chaotic that you just want it to end as soon as possible.
The opening is jarring to the point that I immediately wanted to stop reading. I felt like I walked into a party where I didn't know anyone and all of the people seemed sketchy and not in an interesting way. The prospect of trying to untangle what's
going on in this script is not an intruiguing proposition-- it is EXHAUSTINGLY confusing and off-putting.
I had to stop and take 10 minute breaks several times because the whole thing is so schizophrenic and non-sensicial I could't take it anymore.
I read through this whole script and I legitimately have NO CLUE what happened in the last half.
You turn a very messy montage of dates into a semi-spy thriller/murder mystery and throw out more twists and turns
than anyone could possibly keep track of, and none of them earned.
I can't even begin to offer feedback on how to improve this because it misses on EVERY. SINGLE. LEVEL.

In two days, unless a man hater's fertility deal with one of her brother Baker's dozen lonely hearts tenants comes to fruition, she'll lose control of her Fortune 500 company and her bloodline will end.

This was typed on a type-writer and scanned into a .pdf and 20-30% of the script is missing, as a result. Not that it matters too much, because there isn't really anything of substance here.
This is someone trying very hard to do their David Lynch impression in the shortest possible time-span.
At barely 3 pages, this is more of a scene, and less a screenplay.
This was typed on a type-writer and scanned into a .pdf and 20-30% of the script is missing, as a result. Not that it matters too much, because there isn't really anything of substance here.
This is someone trying very hard to do their David Lynch impression in the shortest possible time-span.
At barely 3 pages, this is more of a scene, and less a screenplay.
This was typed on a type-writer and scanned into a .pdf and 20-30% of the script is missing, as a result. Not that it matters too much, because there isn't really anything of substance here.
This is someone trying very hard to do their David Lynch impression in the shortest possible time-span.
At barely 3 pages, this is more of a scene, and less a screenplay.
Use a computer, you obviously have access to one.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.

The screenplay is technically sound and appears to have proper syntax and grammar, to my eye, however the whole thing feels very bland.
The whole thing felt very uninspired and the whole concept has been done so many times in so many ways-- one could argue even, exactly in this way (A la, "I Know What You Did Last Summer"). With the exception of Ivy, all of the character's dialogue is basically interchangeable. They're all just basic teenagers saying basic teenager things and they aren't interesting to observe in any way shape or form. Making one of them gay and another curious, does not an interesting scenario make. the characters themselves need to be compelling.
As is, I want these kids to get caught. They were drinking and driving and "killed" someone. They aren't sympathetic in any way and they deserve to be jailed. I'm not rooting for them. If you want to make the characters more sympathetic add some grey area to what happened. Maybe the one character who is driving is sober, but the drunk character's were distracting them, and the stranger was wearing dark clothes. Make it so it is actually compelling that they're in this situation.
As it stands, it feels like someone told a 14-year-old the plot of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and made them watch an episode of "Pretty Little Liars" and told them to practice writing a screenplay.
Also, the teaser feels like it is mandatory viewing in order for the first scene to work. I would make sure to show the teaser in the show proper to get the same effect.
To make this even remotely interesting, you need to make it unique in some way. It is the Disney Channel/ABC Family version of 5 other films, right now and I couldn't care less about what is happening.
My suggestion to make better characters is take some random character descriptions/traits/flaws that you can assign to whomever in the script. Try re-writing their scenes with this stuff HEAVILY in mind-- make it influence how they react to each other and the things they are doing, even when they're not talking. Feel free to make up your own, but here are some for practice:
Rage Issues
Terminally Ill
Racist
Blind
Mormon
A child (Pre-teen)
Compulsive Liar
Experiencing Withdrawal
Take these, or come up with your own, and try to make the characters more compelling and see if it spices up the situation that they're in. Let the character's flaws and traits drive the action. The concept you're selling is old and overplayed, but that's OK if you have something new or unique to say about it that can revitalize the idea. In this case, you're not doing or saying anything new.

These are my honest opinions about the script **As I read it, stream of conciousness**. Please don't take them as needlessly antagonistic-- I am trying to explain
to you how this script made me feel and it was not a good feeling. I hope you can use this to improve in some way, and take it in the spirit it was meant.
I can tell this works in your head, but is does not work at all on paper.
The humor **ALWAYS** misses, and not just misses but made me cringe a majority of the time because it's
so awkward and unfunny.
You are not in the head of your audience-- you are deep, deep in your own head and this attempt doesn't show the self-awareness
necessary to bring your vision into terms the rest of us can understand.
All of the conversations feel like one person in all of the roles trying to sound clever and failing miserably.
The most frustrating thing is that the characters seem to feel that their wit succeeds-- it does not. The things they say rarely make
sense until I sit back and try to disect their motivations. Most of the time it becomes clear that you're trying to be clever, but
the path to understanding the conversation is so convoluted, no one will ever even realize what you're trying to say.
I cannot stress enough, this screenplay is tonally equivalent to a crackhead having an emotional breakdown while getting a handjob.
It is so chaotic that you just want it to end as soon as possible.
The opening is jarring to the point that I immediately wanted to stop reading. I felt like I walked into a party where I didn't know anyone and all of the people seemed sketchy and not in an interesting way. The prospect of trying to untangle what's
going on in this script is not an intruiguing proposition-- it is EXHAUSTINGLY confusing and off-putting.
I had to stop and take 10 minute breaks several times because the whole thing is so schizophrenic and non-sensicial I could't take it anymore.
I read through this whole script and I legitimately have NO CLUE what happened in the last half.
You turn a very messy montage of dates into a semi-spy thriller/murder mystery and throw out more twists and turns
than anyone could possibly keep track of, and none of them earned.
I can't even begin to offer feedback on how to improve this because it misses on EVERY. SINGLE. LEVEL.

In two days, unless a man hater's fertility deal with one of her brother Baker's dozen lonely hearts tenants comes to fruition, she'll lose control of her Fortune 500 company and her bloodline will end.

This was typed on a type-writer and scanned into a .pdf and 20-30% of the script is missing, as a result. Not that it matters too much, because there isn't really anything of substance here.
This is someone trying very hard to do their David Lynch impression in the shortest possible time-span.
At barely 3 pages, this is more of a scene, and less a screenplay.
This was typed on a type-writer and scanned into a .pdf and 20-30% of the script is missing, as a result. Not that it matters too much, because there isn't really anything of substance here.
This is someone trying very hard to do their David Lynch impression in the shortest possible time-span.
At barely 3 pages, this is more of a scene, and less a screenplay.
This was typed on a type-writer and scanned into a .pdf and 20-30% of the script is missing, as a result. Not that it matters too much, because there isn't really anything of substance here.
This is someone trying very hard to do their David Lynch impression in the shortest possible time-span.
At barely 3 pages, this is more of a scene, and less a screenplay.
Use a computer, you obviously have access to one.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
A man and a woman sit in a theater. An angel's wings are cut off and burned in front of them by three men. The woman senses something is wrong and experiences pain and discomfort while the man assures her everything is fine.
The woman apparently explodes, giving birth to something.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.
The man assures that something that everything is fine.

The screenplay is technically sound and appears to have proper syntax and grammar, to my eye, however the whole thing feels very bland.
The whole thing felt very uninspired and the whole concept has been done so many times in so many ways-- one could argue even, exactly in this way (A la, "I Know What You Did Last Summer"). With the exception of Ivy, all of the character's dialogue is basically interchangeable. They're all just basic teenagers saying basic teenager things and they aren't interesting to observe in any way shape or form. Making one of them gay and another curious, does not an interesting scenario make. the characters themselves need to be compelling.
As is, I want these kids to get caught. They were drinking and driving and "killed" someone. They aren't sympathetic in any way and they deserve to be jailed. I'm not rooting for them. If you want to make the characters more sympathetic add some grey area to what happened. Maybe the one character who is driving is sober, but the drunk character's were distracting them, and the stranger was wearing dark clothes. Make it so it is actually compelling that they're in this situation.
As it stands, it feels like someone told a 14-year-old the plot of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and made them watch an episode of "Pretty Little Liars" and told them to practice writing a screenplay.
Also, the teaser feels like it is mandatory viewing in order for the first scene to work. I would make sure to show the teaser in the show proper to get the same effect.
To make this even remotely interesting, you need to make it unique in some way. It is the Disney Channel/ABC Family version of 5 other films, right now and I couldn't care less about what is happening.
My suggestion to make better characters is take some random character descriptions/traits/flaws that you can assign to whomever in the script. Try re-writing their scenes with this stuff HEAVILY in mind-- make it influence how they react to each other and the things they are doing, even when they're not talking. Feel free to make up your own, but here are some for practice:
Rage Issues
Terminally Ill
Racist
Blind
Mormon
A child (Pre-teen)
Compulsive Liar
Experiencing Withdrawal
Take these, or come up with your own, and try to make the characters more compelling and see if it spices up the situation that they're in. Let the character's flaws and traits drive the action. The concept you're selling is old and overplayed, but that's OK if you have something new or unique to say about it that can revitalize the idea. In this case, you're not doing or saying anything new.