here ya go... horoscopes copypasted from theonion.com... sorta fun and amusing... but overall even though i poke at the stuff ... its pointless and is jsut gona lead those that follow it into being mindless drones dependent on the stupid thing telling them how to live their life... just live and be happy...sheesh... oh and do good stuff and go to Mass.

Your Horoscope
September 4, 2007 | Issue 43•36

Cut-and-paste

Your Birthday Today
The arrival of a new child will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly understand. But then, you don't specialize in rare skeletal birth defects.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash time and time again into a stone seawall.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.

Leo July 23 - August 22
While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.

Libra September 23 - October 23
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that, despite the prospect of his future infidelities, he might be the best she can do.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.