Sunday, May 20, 2012

Your Ropes Are Loose Enough For You Two To Kiss Day!

You can hear the screams of the man who gave you the ride in his truck being hacked to death upstairs. You only have a few minutes before the men in the burlap masks come downstairs for you.

“These ropes have some give,” you’ll say.

“But not enough for us to wriggle free,” Jeff will say.

But they do have enough give for you two to kiss, and you both know it. You and Jeff came out to these woods for a camping trip before you move away to the west coast. You’ve been platonic friends since college and everyone has been waiting for the two of you to finally just do it already to see whether you two doing it is the right thing to do.

“Maybe if we shimmy around under these ropes we’ll loosen them in time to make a run for it,” Jeff will say.

“But what if we don’t loosen them in time?”

Just kiss for God’s sake. The inbred backwoods killers who abducted you when you asked for directions could come downstairs and chop you up for soup any second now. If you spend all your time trying to escape and you’re not successful, you could end up dying a will-they won’t-they couple who never bothered to find out whether you will or won’t. Use what little wiggle room you have in those ropes to kiss and you’ll at least die knowing whether you found the one.

“Wait,” Jeff will say. “There’s something I think we should do.”

“I think we should too,” tell him.

Bend your neck around the pole and stretch against the ropes and put your lips on Jeff’s. You’ll feel a dim current pulse through your chest, and when you both begin moving your lips for a second kiss, and a third, that dim current will turn to a lightning bolt.

It was him all along.

It was you all along.

Your friend was your love and your love is your friend. The ropes won’t let you embrace, but you don’t need to hold each other. The grip of your newly-discovered love is stronger than any embrace you could create with your bodies.

“Now we know,” Jeff will say.

You’ll kiss away a tear that fell from your eye onto his lip.

“Now we know,” you’ll say.

“Let’s get out of here,” Jeff will say.

With the strength of your love, you and Jeff will wriggle and push at the ropes for a few seconds, but you’ll be interrupted when the killers come downstairs and untie you both to bring you upstairs and lay you down on their butcher table so you can be hacked to death, side-by-side, both of you screaming in agony and delirious in the throes of magical, wonderful, brand new love.