After You

Small acts of kindness make a big difference.

The story sent out from the website "Touch of Kindness," established years ago by Shmuel Greenbaum in memory of his wife who was murdered in the Sbarro Pizza bombing, caught my attention. The writer always allows anxious drivers to pass him -- with a wave of the hand or a smile. How I wish I had seen this idea before we moved to Israel when I still had a car! I would have loved to perform this small act, especially given the road rage so prevalent in my former home of Los Angeles.

But the idea stuck. We usually think, No one is going to push me around. I waited, let them wait. We can actually reframe our thoughts to, I have an extra minute or two. I’ll let this harried, frantic driver go ahead. It’s really nothing to me – but to him, it’s bringing intense relief. It costs so little yet creates so much pleasure. So how could I apply it?

One day at my local grocery store, it hit me. I was getting ready to pay, with an anxious customer right near me surveying the lines. She had only an item or two, and I made my pitch. “Would you like to go ahead of me? I see you haven’t got many items and I've got a cart full.”

Her relief was palpable. “Are you sure you don’t mind?” she asked, moving into place.

“Not at all!" I realized that this could be my kindness!

As I shopped in my local market or other stores, I began to look forward to the time spent waiting in line, wondering if I would have a chance to enhance someone’s shopping experience by saving them a few minutes at check-out time. I would keep my eye peeled for the customer holding an item or two, a desperate expression on her face. Ironically, some customers would occasionally just cut in front of me and my smile would begin to slip. I had to hold back from reminding them that I was waiting to pay and there was a line here. I rebuked myself instead. Make believe they asked! Make believe they looked anxious and you offered. So what if that's not what happened…you're not here to teach them manners; just work on yourself!

Once on the kindness-warpath at the grocery, I found more opportunities to help out. I made it my business to greet the cashiers with a smile and ask them how their day was. I kept my eye peeled for shoppers that seemed to need help – often the elderly or young children – and got them the hard-to-reach items.

One day I was waiting on line with a full shopping cart and noticed a customer with a couple of items. I offered to let them pay ahead of me. They gladly accepted my offer, as did the next person. When I let a third customer ahead of me, my young daughter asked me, “When are we going to pay?”

“Honey, they just had an item or two. It’ll just take a couple of minutes and then it will be our turn. I would feel bad seeing them wait behind me, We have such a large order, I'd feel bad making them wait."

Just then, the cashier called out to me, “Giveret (Ma'am) – come to the next register – I’m opening up now.”

My daughter and I smiled at each other. I won’t know if the clerk had been paying attention, but one thing is for sure -- the Almighty was -- and so was my daughter.

We have so many opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others, to indulge in such small acts of kindness and reap such disproportionately larger rewards. Here are some additional suggestions. Please send in yours.

1. Smile at the retail sales clerk and say thank you (everyone else has been yelling at her all day).
2. Hang up your clothes in the dressing room (the tired saleswoman will be very grateful)
3. Stop by the kitchen door of the restaurant to tell the chef how delicious the food was (If the owner’s around, make sure to tell him also)
4. Send a complimentary email to the boss of someone who has been particularly helpful.
5. Bring dinner to a shut-in.
6. Pick up groceries for a busy friend.
7. Babysit for a tired mother (okay, maybe this doesn’t qualify as a small act!)
8. Deliver flowers to someone who is feeling blue.
9. Brainstorm with a friend for more ideas.

About the Author

Tova Younger, daughter of holocaust survivors, lived with her husband and children in LA for over 20 years, working in various positions; candy distributer, teacher and babysitter, to name a few. To their great joy, their first 3 children got married and settled in Israel - they decide to join them.. There Tova became a freelance writer, while she and her husband continue raising their family.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 22

(22)
Anonymous,
February 2, 2010 7:25 AM

I often complement a teen who holds a door open or says please or excuse me - I tell them that their parents did a good job of raising a gentleman (or lady.) If possible, I tell the parent. They always smile.

(21)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 7:05 AM

such consideration is inspiring

very inspiring

(20)
hamid tafilica,
January 9, 2010 4:21 AM

the meaning of life is helping others and expecting nothing in return....

(19)
Jonathan,
January 9, 2010 12:44 AM

I have had this done for me

their have been a lot of people who have let me go ahead of them and I can tell you it is so nice to have someone be willing to let me go on because I only had a few items in my hand, and I did to others as I would like done to or for me. This realy works just as the Tora says to do, spread the goodness of G-D.

(18)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2010 11:30 PM

"Minnesota Nice"

I moved to Minnesota 20 years ago, and learned the phrase, "Minnesota Nice." One thing that people did there routinely, was to let customers with few items go ahead of them in the checkout line. I always do that now, too!

(17)
sonia,
January 7, 2010 10:58 AM

yes, true

I learnt from my husband to say good morning to the driver of the public transport.
Now, in your supermarkets, don-t they have a special cash register for people who buy less than 10 things¨... it is most useful...

(16)
Linda,
January 4, 2010 3:32 PM

we're changing the world, one kind act at a time

My friend and I had this discussion yesterday. How can we make a greater difference in peoples lives this year. She said you know there doesn't seem to be anything we can do as far as changing the government, or abortion, or the laws that don't protect us. but we can do these small things on a daily basis, to make someone elses life a little better. And I have witnessed it always seems to be passed on. A friend complained that people were so rude in the stores, they push past you with no manners, I also know she is not one for saying excuse me, or I'm sorry to others in the store. People will most always respond to your kindness. I am one to let people go ahead of me, and when I used to go to the store that made you put a quarter in for a shopping cart, I would always leave the quarter in so the next person could have it free. They always seemed to appreciate it, and just maybe they'll pass it on.

(15)
Sarah,
January 4, 2010 12:37 PM

great!

Wonderful reminder of the great mitzva of loving kindness. Thank you.
Regarding letting people come before us when there's a line, we have to remember that according to Jewish law we can only do this if the other people standing in line also agree to it.
Regarding the first of your wonderful suggestions "smile at the retail sales clerk and say thank you (everyone else has been yelling at her all day)", it would be better to write "perhaps she has been yelled at during the day", in compliance with the law of shmirat halashon.
Thanks again for a great article.

(14)
,
January 4, 2010 10:03 AM

Thank you Tova. You remind everyone that we are men and women, not beastes. Indeed the idea after your article is a focus on that we are distinguished and civilized creatures. Thanks againe.
Mohammad

(13)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 6:34 AM

offer people a ride in my car

On my way home, I'll stop at a bus stop and offer people a ride home. In addition, often I will take a different route in order to accomodate a passenger. Or take them to their door instead of dropping them at the corner.
I love the focus of this article - we can give of ourselves a little bit, and it means a lot to somebody else.

(12)
Christopher,
January 4, 2010 6:00 AM

I'm with you Tova!
It only takes one kernel of corn to grown a stalk with three or four ears of corn on it. And it works the same way with weed seeds also. It's all about seed time and harvest and you reap what you sow.
I called in an order for a pizza to have delivered to my house and after it was eaten I called back to talk to the manager. There was a bit of hesitancy in the voice on the other end of the phone and it took most of 5 minutes to get the manager on the phone. He finally gets on and asked is there a problem? On the contrary I say the pizza was very good and still hot when it arrived and the delivery guy was nice and just wanted to tell you thank you for your service. He really didn't know how to handle that because he was so used to everyone from upper management, employees and customers complaining.
Doesn't everybody need a pat on the back every once in a while?

(11)
Me Too,
January 4, 2010 2:15 AM

I love this

You have reminded me how easy it is to do something nice for others. I do some of these and hope your article will inspire me to do more of them and some others. One thing I am very careful to do is to ask for the supervisor of someone who is very nice to me, goes out of her way to help, etc. These people work with a lot of unpleasant people. Saying thank you helps; telling their supervisors might help them get a raise.

(10)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 11:42 PM

I just gave my coat scarf to a woman who liked it. She is going thru a divorce .she was surprised. I often give things away.

(9)
Devora,
January 3, 2010 11:08 PM

Thankis for the tips!

Wow! What wonderful ideas! I've also been working on getting to know the names of the people I see so often -- the mailman, the UPS guy, the cashier at the stores I frequent...People appreciate being appreciated. Thank you Tova.

(8)
Chava,
January 3, 2010 10:06 PM

Compliment friends on the way they look today.

(7)
P. Peltlz,
January 3, 2010 9:18 PM

l. A. loses, we gain

gr8 IDEAS Mrs YOUNGER. WELCOME HOME

(6)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 8:18 PM

GREAT IDEAS!

I really enjoyed reading your article and your ideas - you would most likely enjoy the Ahavas Yisroel chaburas that are starting to crop up in Israel and America. Try to find out about them. be well!

(5)
ruth,
January 3, 2010 7:20 PM

little acts of kindness

there is a bumper sticker still circulating which says it all, as you do, in this sweet and true article, practice random acts of kindness.
I know that all mitzvot are equal, big and small, and the wisdom in this is so great. So when we are writing about who is the greatest Jew, think about it this way, that great is contained within small, within the containers of lives that may never be known, but we know, we have made that difference. We put a smile in someone's heart this day, and maybe many smiles. That's the meaning of true greatness. Not how we have done acts larger than life, and yes, this, too, but that in these small acts, we are doing, in daily life, taking life's enhancing moments and bringing to them, enchantment. And since life is so much about the music, I will point out the Chant in enchantment.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 6:14 PM

How about these tiny acts?

-In an elevator, ask people who get on, "What button can I push for you?"
-While a bus or train is picking up new passengers, it's a good idea to take your bags off the seat next to you. It gives the message of "You can sit if you want." It's also nice to smile at the passengers getting on, so they feel welcome to sit. (It's so uncomfortable to get on a bus and see that no one really wants you to sit next to them.)
-This small act of kindness is usually anonymous - but it's nice to pull down the next paper towel in a public bathroom dispenser for the person who uses it after you.

(3)
Daniel,
January 3, 2010 5:55 PM

Posted this up at my workplace!

good ideas all! thanks for taking time to send this in.
i better put a copy in my car too.

(2)
Leah,
January 3, 2010 4:53 PM

I'm printing out this article right now! Thank you!

Thanks for reframing these everday issues in such a new light. We need to remember to be consious and kind
to people around us. we need to remember everyone
has their own difficulties-often very terrible that they are
dealing with and give each other a break whenever we can. Also, thanks for pointing out what a good example for children-and anyone watching.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 4:11 PM

More to do in the market

In addition to letting people with short orders go ahead, why not try starting a conversation with someone near you in line who seems to be getting more and more impatient? If you can hit upon something they are interested in, you can turn their whole day around, and you benefit also from making your own wait seem shorter!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...