Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I've written four separate blogs and deleted all of them. I have a feeling that it's the shitty one that stuck.

Not inspired. Not inspired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Still feel like reading?!

It's almost Thanksgiving, it's also almost my birthday.... which just so happens to fall on Thanksgiving this year. Like, what the fuck is that? I'm not down with sharing the spotlight for thankfulness. I mean, gratitude and pilgrims definitely trump "Look at me it's my birthday!! Jazz hands!"

I have to bake two...three? (I should check up on that) pies tomorrow. I have 5 articles to finish. I'm waiting on four checks. I can barely fit yoga into my schedule, so my toxins are all fucking curled up into places they shouldnt be and they're derailing my CHI. Fuck.

I need a haircut. I need about 40 people to respond to my emails that aren't. I need 10 extra hours in my day. I need my scale to not tell me that it's physically possible to gain four pounds in a day when I've eaten virtually nothing but yogurt, powerbars and coffee. I need a new phone, a chill pill, a manicure and a pedicure, a new computer (did I ever mention that I have to use my sister's computer, since mine crashed on me a few months ago? AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A NEW ONE??? Which in turn makes her feel like it's ok to go through my underwear drawer and borrow ones that apparently, "I don't ever wear", and undermine me by kindly giving me her old bras, since she's too busty to fit into them anymore. Holla tiny titties for me!)

OH, I know WAHHH me, there's people dying in Africa Chelsea stop crying. I get it. But let me stomp around a little bit before we get all McJudgey, I care about Africa too. Sometimes we're granted the right to throw a self-involved baby fit. Especially during my birthday week (boyfriend inserts, "AND DURING YOUR PMS....") k? k.

I went through old emails and deleted about 200 that I've sent out to potential freelancing opportunities, music opportunities, etc. in the last MONTH. 200 that haven't responded! grrrr. In my mind, I'm that person that gets whatever she wants, in reality, that's only true some of the time. But who I am in my head, is who I am. So fuck, Universe, work with me! Which is part of the problem....

There's days when I feel like throwing in the towel and then I get even more angry because I know I'll never do that.

I don't feel like opening another rejection letter. I don't feel like trying to find anymore openings through a tiny crack in some random window, hypothetically.

I can't focus today. I can't decide what I want. Other than a gigantic chocolate chip cookie, but lately, I've been losing weight. I mean rapidly and a lot of it. I'm a small person, in general, but when you start getting positive affirmation for "how thin" and "great" you look all of a sudden you start to think, well fuck, was I really Jabba the Hutt before or something? So then every fucking cookie you look at resembles old "fat you." Even though old you wasn't fat?

I'm thankful that tomorrow and Thanksgiving, I can just RE-FUCKING-LAX, because I won't have to refresh my inbox, or worry that I'm "missing something" because most everyone are sitting behind a big fat turkey, just like me.

67 comments:

I literally just hit publish on a post on what I am thankful for, which was so full of sap I think I may need to check myself for diabetes. After writing that, I'm too optimistic and "people-are-awesome" to really find things that annoy me.

However, happy (early) birthday dear.

Sometimes we all need a moment to pitch a fit. If only to remind ourselves that we matter too and that's OK.

Kendall- thanks for approving my fit. I think the past few weeks have just been.....listless? for me, when usually i'm all WEEEEEE LIIIIIFFFFFFFE. I needed to be ungrateful for a minute. And actually, now, i FEEL A LOT BETTER.

I'm all about the sap. Don't worry....I do have a thankful post coming too ;)

i swear. this is, like, the 6th blog post i've read of yours where i've thought:

"i don't remember writing this perfectly accurate depiction of my thoughts. i remember >thinking< those thoughts, but i don't remember writing them. so, how the hell did they get here?... i need to stop drinking."

know that you aren't alone in your frustrations, sister. we are talented and hard-working gals, and we deserve to be treated accordingly. and we will be. soon. keep your head up, and have a lovely birthday. and take comfort in knowing that your birth will be on the top of your loved ones' "thankful" list.

Woo Hoo! Now this is a Thanksgiving post I can get behind! ;) Why am I being such a crank-pot lately?

I love your post though, especially when you state (and I quote) "In my mind, I'm that person that gets whatever she wants, in reality, that's only true some of the time. But who I am in my head, is who I am. So fuck, Universe, work with me!"

This is exactly how I feel today and just about everyday these past couple week. What the heck is wrong with the universe? Don't they see that we deserve what we want? ;)

ps- Happy, Happy, Happy early Birthday! :) Rock it out and have some fun. And I feel you on the not liking to share it. Mine falls on Mother's Day every couple years and it makes me uber angry. I think a birthday is my day, not a day to share with all. Ha! Talk about selfish...

You are fully entitled to throwing a fit. Hell, even if it's not your birthday week, you are still entitled. Because every once in awhile everything in our lives tends to pile up and we just need to VENT about it. And that's totally okay.

As lovely as it's been to see all these "thankful for" posts this week, this is kind of a breath of fresh air!! I hope it all calms down though and you have a great birthday and people email you back. If not, email me, and I'll send you back five :)

I am not thankful for being in Canada during Thanksgiving. No day off and I'm writing term papers while my family conference calls me to detail all the delicious food their eating. Sometimes, I wish Canada would get with the program and move Thanksgiving to it's rightful place - in November.

i'm not thankful for being jabba the hut, and then losing fitty pounds, and then gaining it all back and being jabba the hut again and then some. but then again i'm thankful about not being obsessive about what i eat anymore. i don't know whats better... being not jabba the hut? or eating a chipotle burrito today?

Happy birthday my dear!Does that make you a scorpio too, or have we lapsed into sagitarius territory already?

buuuut, back to the question. This thanksgiving I am not thankful for the fact that we don't have a holiday here that is even remotely like thanksgiving, and Ill have to wait another MONTH for any kind of holidy cheer.Also, that I have recently discovered my new patch of the country is fairly musically dry and bare. boo to that.

uuughhhh i feel you!i've been sending out my cv to look for a job,and it annoys me so much when ppl don't even bother to acknowledge receipt of it.i hope things get be5tter. relzax and have an amazing birthday!xx

Oh so happy I found your blog (thanks for your comment on mine btw). What a great post! You sure know how to write. I don't give a shit about Thanksgiving 'cause it's not part of my culture ha! But I'm certainly not thankful for *him playing with my nerves *that shitty weather. I'll be back for more!xxx

Delicious rant. I am working allllll day on Thanksgiving. So, I guess I should be thankful I have a job but all I want is a big-ass turkey and wobbly cranberry sauce and gravy. But noooooooooo. I'm teaching international marketing. woohoo! I will come home and slather some cheese on a croissant and go to bed. Then this weekend, I'll pick up a turkey with its head and neck and scraggly claw feet and all and test out my new oven. Et voila!

I know that all things considered we have a lot to be thankful for, but sometimes you just need to take a minute and be whiny.

Personally, I am not thankful for my living situation. I love my parents and I love that they let me live with them rent free but I HATE getting yelled at when I don't do the dishes just the way they want me too. It makes me feel like I'm 16 again (including the desire to scream "I hate you!" and lock myself in my bedroom - ugh).

Hey there lil' lady. Thought I'd drop you a quick like to tell you that I quoted you in my most recent blog post. Sure hope you don't mind... It's just that the way you say things are much better than the way I would :)

I am not thankful for busy schedules and time going too fast. I'm also not thankful for feeling fat but being unable to stop eating....but I am thankful for you and your smack talking. The word fuck is totally underrated. thanks for posting what I feel.

Thanks for this... really, I appreciate the honesty! I'm NOT THANKFUL for counting on something happening (something that would kinda be a big break), only to find out it fell through... and having to wait, again. (So I guess, I'm not thankful for waiting!) Hope your turkey day was Re FUCKING laxing!

I'm not thankful for people who say, "don't worry it'll all work out" (Come on, at least acknowledge my worry) or "I know JUST how you feel" (yeah, right, because it's happening to you not me - uh huh.) or "Just give the guy a chance (If I know he's the wrong guy, why do I need to waste his time and mine? Next...)

I am late on this, but Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoyed the day, ate lots of pie and gave the bird to everyone who didn't respond to your e-mails! Eff them, I say. It's one of my biggest pet peeves, too!