I've started to write a blog that details my thoughts and feelings on life and the nature of food, and how I'm changing and adapting to different food intake, with the possibility of going even beyond that...

There's a distinct change in the way I feel hungry - or not hungry - since I've been eating only fruits in the evenings, nuts and lettuce type things and a wrap at lunch, and a small amount of oats in the mornings. Hunger used to be a growling sensation in the stomach, but these days, it's quite different. It's hard to describe, but it's something like an upward feeling in my torso, a sort of tightening as well (I used to have an ongoing pain there, but it has shifted, this I think was to do with something contracting and readjusting). But not really a feeling of hunger. And I certainly don't lack in energy. On the contrary, I'm more focused for longer periods of time, and manage to keep up with certain creative interests, as well as caring for my two young children during the day. I got to bed late and get up early, usually with disturbed nights because of the children.

However, even the consumption of fruits and nuts etc, and especially wraps and oats, feels like a drag on my system often. Recently, when I've been thinking to myself, in a sort of automatic manner 'time to eat' (e.g. mid afternoon when the kids are having a snack), I've had a small fruit smoothy or juice of some description and it does the job fine, when in the past I might have had something more solid. The more I substitute something I used to have, with something more refined, I feel like something shifts. As if I'm working with a wider process, and energies, that are wanting to establish themselves more firmly.

Sometimes I stop myself in my tracks, and think to myself, what am I doing refining my food intake? Doubt and fear sets in, but it takes only a short while for me to see the conditioning in my mind. That I need this or that to live. That I will become ill and/or die if I continue down this path. My analytical mind steps in, and it starts to lecture me on topics such as Vitamin B12 deficiency, Calcium deficiency, Protein deficiency... and so on. The list could be endless.

And yet at the same time, I feel a strong flow of energy into me, that tells me clearly that the physical body lives without food. That it is the essential energy that animates all life. That the scientific analysis of the body's composition, while being valid, can't tell the whole story - that huge chunks of knowledge are simply missing from the scientific mind. The kind of knowledge that only comes from expansion and self-development, of an intuitive nature.

So my doubts I see, are like hoary old men, ruminating and grumbling all the time. Using logic that certainly works on one level, but which can't operate outside of the sphere, which it already knows about...

This evening I felt an increase in energy that was quite disorientating. For lunch I had an apple, a banana, some nuts and dates. It was about 8pm and I hadn't had anything to eat since then. This surprised me really, as I had been working hard all day painting and decorating someone's house, while my wife looked after the children. I was feeling wonderful, sensing the energies all around me, going through me, the web of creation. I was doing some spontaneous moves with my body, feeling the coursing of energy. I wasn't feeling hungry particularly, such was the energy.

This increase in energy was disorientating, because I was experiencing what one might call 'reality', in a different way, and myself also in a different way. Of all the other experiences of an abstract nature I've had before, this was a bit different. As if the physical nature of space all around me was changing.

Also, I was experiencing the entrancement of sense-perception (which humans mostly all fall prey to, including myself), and how freedom from the limitations of life, requires one to lay down attachment to so many things. To expand is to move beyond the automatic conditioning of the mind. I could see the very narrow margin which our sense perceptions occupy, and which are so rooted into eating. I could feel so keenly how the removal of eating, totally removes any sense of normality in life, a sensation I feel I'll have to get used to - if I do eventually end up breatharian. The way we have evolved eating, and eating cooked food, is a curious journey...

My wife asked me whether I was eating this evening (meaning am I eating with her or some fruits and such like as I usually do), as she had taken from the garden a nice spaghetti squash which we have growing. I found it impossible to say no, such was the care she was taking in preparing the food. It can be very demoralising for someone to live with a person, who doesn't want to eat the same food. The food felt very gentle. The taste was enjoyable, but I could feel it like a slight hindrance inside of me.

It's somehow making me sad this eating of cooked vegetables - this must sound weird though. What a strange thing to rip a vegetable from the earth, chop it up, heat it up until it changes its shape, and then eat it? For beings of an eternal nature, where is the value in that? Isn't a vegetable, or a fruit, just a beautiful thing that exists for itself?

The thing I'm finding at the moment, is that any progression toward refinement, is often slowed by doubt and going back to old habits, even if briefly. This is not surprising.

While a part of me wants to forget about spiritual refinement, I know that stagnation isn't the answer. Stagnation leads to disease and ultimately death. Illness is stagnation of energy.

Everytime I think to myself, 'let's forget about this whole deal', two things happen. One, is that I truly deeply feel that I just can't and don't want to eat how I used to; Secondly, I feel a calling that I hardly understand at this point. To move things forward. In some ways, I feel that time is running out. It's now or never, for purification. I wonder how many people feel the same?

I don't resent this calling toward purging my body, but it is hard. Working on the concept of food and eating, strikes at the very core of what it means to be a human being, in many ways. Which is also why there is an enormous and automatic resistance from many sides toward the concept of inedia, even hostility. 'If you don't eat you die!' everybody shouts. Addiction. Something I remember that Jericho Sunfire said in one of his videos: 'Don't mess with my tastebuds!', with regards to people who can accept many things, but definitely not refining food intake, or removing it completely

For a while now I've been feeling this urge to refine my food intake. On this path, I've become vegan from being a vegetarian (though I can't technically call myself a fruitarian nor raw vegan at this point, though I have strong tendencies that way), and I have to say, it feel fantastic leaving these animal products behind e.g. milk and eggs. It isn't only the ethical side of it, and compassion for living creatures that have a sense of self, but also to avoid putting animal energy into my body. It's funny how one becomes accustomed to eating certain things. I remember I always felt eggs to be somewhat weird to eat, but got used to it; and now I can see the weirdness for what it really is. It's putting chicken energy into my body! Do I want chicken energy in my body?? So it isn't just an ethical aspect, in some ways, it's about purifying oneself. It's the aspect associated with forging a path toward unity.

The main drive behind this refinement, is this feeling that we're evolving as a planet, and that each individual who works at their lives, and their food intake, adds to the overall effect of change. We're all changing together. One day we will exist in this planet without needing physical food, once the addictions and attachments have passed. A main angle to this urge toward refinement, is an experience of reality beyond the physical, and a dimension of love that exists only a hair's breadth away from us, every micro second of the day.

What I'm realising, is that it's possible to experience this truth, whether one eats or not. Love and compassion extends to all beings, regardless of activity. And yet, through fasting or refining one's food intake, it's definitely true to say, that it brings one closer to things that are true.

Personally, if I've eaten very little (and I have a very busy life, and work consistently hard when I'm working on someone's house, or looking after my children), I see that energy generates energy. I take very minimal breaks when I work, breaks just slow me down. In fact, I generally sit down for 2 minutes at lunch, to rest my legs, and that's it. Then I'm off again. Perhaps this is also why I prefer working alone, where I can set my own pace. The pace of work generates it's own momentum. This snowballing effect of energy, can be applied across most phenomena I think.

But what I have also found, through restricting my food intake - e.g. small breakfast, no lunch, fruits in the evening, is that my own fears and limitations loom mightily in my mind. On the one hand, I know that I'm fine, and have lots of energy, and yet on the other, a part of me is saying: 'You're a fool. You're going to die. Look at all the weight you've lost. You're a sick man!' etc. Weight loss is a significant issue. It's difficult to look and feel thin, when it isn't something one is used to. It is very amazing how many negativities arise when the stomach hasn't got something to latch onto!

Then there is the issue of hunger. It is all entirely psychological I believe. A significant thing I've observed, is that the feeling of hunger I might have when I'm eating next to nothing (which will come and go), is no different to the feeling I have when I have just eating well. So what is going on? How can I feel hungry in both scenarios? I think that it's really only got to do with the stomach expanding or contracting, giving the brain signals. Rather like the hunger one can feel a bit later after a large meal. It isn't hunger of course, it's just that the stomach has been stretched, and now it's beginning to settle back again.

I'm realising that little steps at a time are the best thing for me. Slowly, and appreciatively of what life has to offer. If I was in a different situation, I would definitely want to do a long fast. But it's worth remembering, that large changes in many ways should come from an inner urge, not as a mental concept having seen what someone else has done. I think this is very important. I think there are people out there who have maybe become a bit mixed up, borrowing someone else's life-path, and trying to apply it to themselves. This might work for them (after all, all things do have to start as an idea), but there has to be a genuine resonance for it to be really appropriate for them.

Rooting one's experience and urges in love and respect, without letting the ego always latch onto things, is really the safest way.

There's so much I'm learning with regards to food. For the last three nights I had cooked food, and I can't say that I feel good on it. In the mornings I can feel kind of muddy - nothing like the lightness from just eating fruit. This process of change in me is unstoppable. I can feel all these things going on inside my body, and my being. I seem to have moved past a whole aspect of fear. More and more I'm feeling the supportive nature of existence. It's strange how experiences of things that penetrate and encompass the material world, are infinite in tone and quality, ever new. I hope that these dark ages that humanity exists in, passes for a while - and all this automatic belief in food consumption with all of the so-called empirical science to support these notions, are seen for what they are. Knowledge bases that really are only self-referring, but that never comprehend the deeper causes of things.

There are so many mysteries, that can only be understood through intuition. So much value is put on empirical methods, and yet, when there's something that doesn't fit a certain model, these things are discarded. For example, evolutionary theory can never answer where on earth (excuse the pun) the Aboriginal people of Australia came from. And that is only one hole, of many, that exist in modern thinking.

Even though I prefer fruits, I find rice ok. But even then, food feels like such blockage. I feel like my body is just saying no to these things; but for the while, from habit and situation, I'm likely to continue eating things, even though I feel that it has short term period for me. I feel more and more attracted to juices. Which I find a little surprising, as I seem to be following a general pattern so far i.e. flesh-eating, vegetarian, vegan, raw-vegan, fruitarian, liquidarian... But who knows what will happen next.

Really, it's such an odd thing ingesting matter. Even fruits and so on, are things of the earth, which are there for their own sake, and that of creation. All things have an effect. Even though eating fruits doesn't have the same impact on self and others as flesh-eating, it's still part of the loop of creation.

I'm really learning the ultra-importance of non-judgement toward everyone, in whatever people do. This seems to be an essential factor in progress, on all levels.

I thought it was time to update my blog, to chart my progress. I've discovered that maintaining an account can be a useful and an interesting thing. Even if... the intellect is ultimately a rather futile tool when grasping the deeper wonders of our existence. I - or we - think one thing, believing a certain thing to be true or at least a plausible explanation for something, but in fact, it appears to me that intellectualisations of any kind, are only made-up structures that attempt to explain what is already there, or what has already happened. It appeals to the ego, really; some process that exists in time, and needs a map of some kind. But who knows why anything works, why anything exists at all; why humans appeared on earth, how it happened, and indeed, why humans evolved certain eating habits. It happened, and it happens....

Personally, apart from the above abstract, there's more personal stuff I'll detail, with regards to my change of diet. In some ways I've become even more orientated toward fruits, avoiding cooked food. And yet, foods which have been cooked in the past e.g. an oat biscuit, don't weigh as much on me as say, a freshly cooked bean stew. So I still go to some extent for pre-cooked oat based things; and yet, it's fresh fruits that really do it for me.

And yet... Often I feel like the things I'm eating, are equivalent to eating stones or metal. I use this analogy to describe how solid foods often feel to me - really extreme. Extreme inputing o substances... And yet, the hit I get from them, is amazing! When I observe myself eating, I can see that eating really is an imposition on the self, in some ways. Not a bad thing, but a sort of exaggeration of things, a thing learned from the ancestors. At this point in time, I see no real way out of it.

However, recently, I drank juices for breakfast and lunch, which suited me well, though I ate more later in the evening. I think what I need to do, is set aside a time for proper fasting. Not for the sake of 'not eating', but because, I experience the fact that when I'm empty of food, I feel things much more clearly. I'll do a day's fast soon, and see how I feel

When I had an astonishing urge to refine things in my life, including my diet, I turned vegan from vegetarian. I lost a lot of weight, from just under 13 stone (about 82 kg) to now 10 stone (about 63 kg) (I'm 6ft2 in height = 1.87m). At first, my weight dropped to 11 stone, and I was happy with that. I just cut out all of the rubbish really and of course dairy and so on. I've felt great - more flexible, stronger, greater endurance, and of course I look skinnier. I felt like 11 stone was my personal weight, but without really depriving myself, my weight continued to drop, levelling off at 10 stone. At first I wasn't happy about that, but I've easily adapted to this new weight which is normal for me now.

But something has been pushing me onward, and I've been eating less and less recently (well, that is, until 4 days ago), where for 3 days I ate very little, just a little bit of food at one point in the day, and on one day nothing, just juices. I could feel the deeper things of existence with greater clarity. This was a kind of juice-fasting. I could feel a kind of alliance between myself and a deeper reality. And yet...

When I checked my weight, I had dropped to nearly 9 and a half stone (about 61.5kg) and was beginning to look outlandishly slim (but not lacking in energy, I have to say). Still, that was enough for me to worry, and since then I've been eating a lot more. Ironically, while I was worrying about this weight issue, and deciding to get back onto food (cooked and non-cooked), I could feel the strongest impulse yet from deeper sources, toward refinement, which was saying 'don't worry, we have you in hand'. Yet, I haven't been willing (yet) to follow this impulse fully (at this time).

The thing is that being back on the eating, is that I don't feel great on it. In a way it's a series of eating inputs, to mask over the somewhat down feeling from the previous inputs - a cycle at work. Experiencing things this clearly though is very instructive, to see how food works.

What was going to happen with my weight loss? would it have stabilised? I'll have to reduce again at some point.

I'm beginning to see the value also of a quick process, such as the well-walked path of the 21 day process, to make a clean break, though I have little attraction toward it.

Generally, I also have this feeling that there are changes going on inside of me, that are really quite unhindered whether I eat or not, and that it's just a question to time and timing.