Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Weirdos I Encounter at the Gym

I only went to the gym one day last week. I'm going today after work and I realized someting kinda funny. I'm actually looking forward to seeing some of the people that I workout "with" at my gym! Now, don't go thinking that I'm bff with these people. I've never spoken to any of them and made eye contact with fewer than three of them. But they've sorta grown on me over the last couple of months and I've come to think of them much like a group of extended family. You know the ones. The weirdos that you don't want to admit you're related to? Yeah, those people.

The Glamour Girl
She seems sweet enough. She smiled at me once when we both got to the paper-towel-spray-cleaner station at the same time. At least, I *think* it was a smile. It was kinda hard to tell beneath the layers of foundation, mascara, shimmery eye shadow, and lipstick. For all I know, she said hello to me. But I'd never be able to hear it over the clang of her wrist bangles and chandelier earrings. It was all I could do to not reach out and touch her hair to see if it was as shelacked as it appeared to be. I think she spray tans pre-workout. I'm just sayin'...

The Old Man
This dude cracks.me.up. He's no less than 85 years old and just as precious as they come. He comes in every day wearing a "#1 Grandpa" t-shirt, a Semper Fi hat, and sports socks pulled up to just below his knees. He hops on the same treadmill everyday, sets the speed to "tortise" and proceeds to walk at the speed of smell while watching Glen Beck on the nearest television. When he's done, he turns off the treadmill, gets a drink from the fountain, and walks out to his car. No nonsense. HOO-RAH!

The Show-Off
There are a few of these guys that I see during my time at the gym. But my favorite is this gruff-looking motorcycle dude with HUGE muscles. I swear this man's arms are the side of my head. He's covered from neck-to-ankles in tattoos including a mostly-naked pinup girl on his forearm who appears to be riding a falic-shaped missle. The guy spends his time at the gym lifiting as many weights as possible. And he makes all kinds of creepy grunting sounds while he's doing it that makes everyone either turn red with embarassment or giggle to themselves like 10-year-old boys. I was pretty intimidated by him the first few times I saw him, but he's actually quite nice and even showed me how to properly use a weight machine one time. I saw him out this weekend with his two young daughters and the sight of him walking hand-in-hand with two girly girls in dresses and hairbows took all the "scare" right outta him. Now I just picture him having tea with his girls wearing pearls and a church-lady hat.

The Clueless One
Bless this lady's heart. She's so clueless. The first time I saw her at the gym, she wore a pair of denim shorts (can you say CHAIFING!?) and canvas Keds. No water bottle, no sports bra, and no clue. She gets on the treadmill, sets the incline to the highest point (aka Mt.FreakingEverest) and walks at a brisk pace holding onto the heart rate monitor bar for dear life to keep from falling off the treadmill. She walks leaning so far back, I have the incredible urge to yell "TIMBER" everytime she gets going. I cannot imagine what kind of a work out she gets doing this, but she seems happy enough when her 20 minutes are up. She tried the eliptical once but ended up falling off of it (yes, falling off of it) and scaring the crap out of The Old Man. She pretty much sticks with Mt. Everest now.

So there they are. My very own Fitness Club Family. They're weird and eccentric, but they're mine. Just call us the 3 o'clock Misfits. The Glamour Girl, The Old Man, The Show-Off, The Clueless One, and The Hungry Girl. Yep, just one big weirdo family.