Thursday, May 24, 2012

You know what floaters are? It’s when a small piece of your retina detaches from the back of your eye and “floats” about in the liquid of your eyeball. It’s annoying as hell, especially when you try to focus on these little (and sometimes bigger) black pieces and they move with your eyeball—hence, you can never look at them but you can see them. You go on living, and you eventually stop noticing them on a conscious level to some extent…

But then you move to Florida. And your mind is still in “ignore that black thing moving in your peripheral vision” mode. Except another, more “aware” portion of your brain is saying “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT LOOK LOOK NOW AND RUN!!!!!”

Cockroaches. Giant, hairy, ugly cockroaches…

You sweep your floors daily, partly out of boredom but partly out of necessity. You mop as well every other day, partly out of boredom, partly out of necessity. All of your food is secured in either the fridge, the freezer, or air-tight bags because you’ve heard of these horror stories! The dog food is in an air-tight plastic bucket, the cat food in the lower drawer of the fridge, and you do take out the garbage every afternoon and evening, never keeping it in the house overnight.

Of course, the fact that two days ago the apartment complex next door was covered in a giant blue and orange tarp for fumigation, you have to wonder if you’re just getting the refugees, or if there’s something very basic you’re overlooking in the “attracts bugs” category…

Of course, finding one of these little buggers (and I use the word “little” lightly…) doesn’t mean you have an infestation. I’ve read up on these things on the Internet (and of course, you can believe everything you read there, right?), and it may have just wandered in. It may have been a “scout” of some kind, or lost, or just looking for food, or maybe the previous tenant was an absolute pig and I’m just experiencing “left overs” or something…

It’s still very, VERY bothersome, and leaves me with that itchy feeling that never quite goes away…

There was a cockroach in my apartment… (Shudder!) Ugh…

It’s dead now, don’t get me wrong. No thanks to the two creatures I could always count on to kill and eat bugs in the northeast, mind you. Beaux looked slightly disinterested and Hawthorne, whom I swear is starting to go blind, didn’t even realize as it scurried beneath him… If ever I needed proof he’s actually the twelve years old that he is, that was it. Of course, Gizmo, seeing a bug the same size as he—okay, maybe slightly smaller than himself—made a strange “yip!” noise and scurried—okay, pranced—for cover…

Yep.

Gayest. Dog. Ever.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. In other news, something I had ordered for a friend has finally arrived at her house. When my dog—the straight one, Hawthorne—decided to use her dining room table as the staging area for yard surveillance, he destroyed said table. When I did find a replacement, apparently I had found a great deal—and so did many others! I didn’t realize things could still be “back ordered” in this day and age, what with the instantaneousness of technology and such. But after a long round-about trip around the world, her new table finally arrived in this country and to her home, after it finished being recorded and received in a warehouse in Idaho… Or was it Illinois? Iowa? I don’t know, so Podunk middle-of-nowhere breadbasket state where nothing ever happens. I’m just relieved this part is over with! The guilt of her staring at her ruined dining table these past few months was killing me!

Sidenote: I miss my friends and family… Not enough to move back home, mind you, but enough to be wistful and wish Florida wasn’t so far away, that’s for sure. Especially those few months of hiatus, where they were there for me in ways I never thought I would need them, never wished I would need them—but they were there nonetheless, and I will always love and cherish them for that…

One of the more exciting things going on in life has to do with the Blue-Eyed Devil: We have almost nothing in common, from movies to music to decorating sensibilities—it’s fantastic!(Which granted, sounds odd, but it’s nonetheless true!) What we do share is a love of animals, being thrifty, having sex, and laughing—and it’s odd to finally meet someone who is more optimistic about life than *I* am! (Some didn’t think that was even possible, myself included—more optimistic than moi? Perish the thought!) And the dumpster diving? Oh, my, the dumpster diving! Between us, we’ve gotten:

An old sewing table, now being utilized as an end table;

A very large, very nice entertainment center;

a small black bookshelf;

a small glass table for an outdoor coffee table;

a small black rack with shelves to hold the herb garden;

three plastic pots, now housing two rescued houseplants and a new tomato plant;

one modern floor lamp with five “dippy” light bulbs;

one halogen floor lamp in silver with French accents;

one table lamp, also French style;

A king-size quilt (now washed and gorgeous!);

a working 27” television;

two perfectly flawless 1 x 6 x 8 foot-long boards, now on brackets making a large shelf behind the futon;

four bamboo dining room chairs;

one black coffee table with two glass inserts;

one shelf with brackets yet to be hung;

and a partridge in a pear tree…

Okay, okay, that last one was thrown in to

make sure you were paying attention, and

it just seemed warranted.

Notice, all of this free stuff was through dumpster diving, not Craigslist, because Floridian craiglisters are the rudest, most inconsiderate, vile pieces of shit ever to have internet access…

But I digress… In other news, I’m slowly getting caught up on bills, the Florida office is the most peaceful office environment I’ve ever had the pleasure to work in, and the Blue-Eyed Devil continues to keep life exciting and interesting… More on him in later posts, I promise…

I have come to a recent decision regarding my living arrangements, and have decided to start looking at houses down here in the alligator state. While the rainy season (that has apparently just started) has made me think I should’ve just considered a move to England (or at the very least, Seattle), the “never chilly” factor has worked it’s magic. Never mind the act that I’ll never have to watch frost kill my beautiful impatiens or other flowers again. I will finally put those years in the Army to work by looking into a VA loan and begin house shopping. (Hmm, new slogan? Army Men: Not Just for Getting Laid Anymore… At the very least, a new T-shirt slogan, eh?) It’s hard to see houses going for such cheap prices, realize that I can get a VA loan for no money down and very very low interest, and realize that monthly payments can work in my favor instead of some faceless landlord…

Well, I’ve babbled enough for now. I’m making a nice roasted chicken and scalloped potatoes for dinner and am enjoying Spaceballs at the moment while the dogs sleep peacefully on the futon, and all seems right with the world…

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

One month and one week later, and I still fucking love Florida more than I even conceived possible.

That’s not to say there isn’t a fair share of idiocy down here. That seems to be a country-wide problem from this perspective…

For example, Craigslist: Three times now I have been on my way to pick something up that someone notified me that I could come pick up. Three times now I have arrived to find out that, “Oh, someone else came before you,” or “Oh, sorry, I ended up giving it to my neighbor.” The all-time pissed-me-off-to-all-high-heaven clincher? “Oh, it was right here. I guess it’s gone now. I don’t know what happened.”

Seriously? What the flying fuck?!?!

Regardless, I have made myself quite a humble home, sans a few comforts I’m dying to have and cannot yet afford (i.e, area rug in the living room, bookcases for my books, internet…) But all in all, it’s not a bad life. I’m tanner than I’ve ever been this early in the summer, I have a job and a roof over my head, and there’s always something to do less than ten minutes away (and is usually very cheap or free). Ergo, I’m not complaining…

Much…

One item of idiocy that does seem in greater supply here than back home is Jehovah’s Witnesses. Granted, the flyers and pamphlets make for great puppy-training materials, but to be disturbed at least once a week by this watch tower magazine, that church service… It’s enough to make one want to claim devil worship as soon as you hear a knock at the door!

Speaking of puppy training material, I know that not all of you, dear reader’s, are friends with me on Facebook, ergo you haven’t met the newest member of my family:

This, dear friends, is Gizmo. All of one pound, two ounces at nine weeks old, he’s the calmest, quietest, sweetest little teacup Chihuahua I think I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning—of course, he’s the first AND last Chihuahua I ever plan on owning. Not that I plan on using him in one of my devil worshiping ceremonies or anything—perish the thought! But when you fall in love with a runt, well, you just kinda have to accept it, adopt him, and move on (proving, in a weird way, that you can fall in love with even the least-likely candidates…). Hawthorne is adapting better to this than Beaux, who still can’t seem to decide whether Gizmo is:

something to play with,

something to eat, or

something to avoid,

and thus sticks with an “avoid this” philosophy by staying off the ground at all times, hopping from fridge to counter to futon to end table, all in an effort to stay beyond Gizmo’s curious prancing about… Which is probably for the best, at least until Gizmo comes in at a good solid three pounds—the top weight the vet thinks he may achieve…
Oy… Three pounds!?!?
Gayest dog I’ve ever owned, hands down. In fact, he may replace the way I hold my cigarette as my OGT (Obviously Gay Trait). Let’s face it—we all have an OGT, it’s just that some of us have made more peace with it than others… ☺ (I’m still unsure whether to take the “But you don’t look gay!” comment I’ve had at least three times as an insult or a compliment…)
Dumpster diving has also taken on all-new, never-before-attained heights of ecstasy: from the entertainment center (auction value $350 per the masking tape on the inside), the cute little construction table that makes a perfect patio end table, to the two perfectly good pieces of 1x6 that are now being utilized as an indoor shelf… My, my, my, what people don’t throw away! I can only assume brain damage or sun stroke is the culprit for such wastefulness…
Hurricane season also starts in TWO WEEKS! While my area of Florida apparently hasn’t had a decent hurricane since 2003 (and many of the locals seem to be of the opinion that we are way past due!), I am looking forward to that niggling feeling of fear as those storm clouds grace the horizon over the ocean, the waves crashing upon the beach in anger, the hustle and bustle that is usually reserved in the northeast for a snowstorm calling for more than an inch… (and yes, I meant “over an inch”… I never said my old home state didn’t have its fair share of imbeciles…). Be that as it may, I’m sure that first hurricane I’ll be all “Oh my god!”—at least, until I get my hurricane legs. And it may be that naive part of myself that thinks a good ol’ hurricane will be great fun, but you know what? I’m still a bit giddy at the thought… Hell, it’s new, ain’t it? And I didn’t move all the way down the east coast for shits and giggles… New and exciting are the order of the week! The month! Hell, for at least the next three years!
Anyway, I suppose that’s it for the time being… I’m budgeting to have internet sometime near the end of June, and until then I will continue to type these up on my borrowed computer, flash-drive it, and upload it to the blog from work. I miss being on facebook for a few hours in the afternoon more than anything (as that was my hugest coping mechanism for the loneliness during the end months of my last relationship), and made a great many friends that are hard to stay in touch with from 7 to 3 during the work day—mostly due to the fact that I do work at work, but partially because they are also at work.
But not having internet is a small price to pay for the moment, one month and one week out into my new life…