I mean, there was no reason to think that it wouldn’t.
But ever since
Malou
died
I have been more worried about
losing people I love.

In an ideal world
(a term I realize I use a lot
probably because I want to live in that world
because that’s where
Malou
must still be alive)
if you lose someone close to you
then that’s it.
No more sadness or unfairness for you.

Like,
I should be safe from ever losing another child
or my husband
because I already lost
Malou.

But unfortunately we don’t live in an
ideal world.

And the worst can happen.

That is exactly what I was trying not to think of today
while waiting for Tom.

I kept putting it out of my mind
but it was (for me)
like trying to ignore
a spider crawling around me.

In other words, impossible.

It didn’t help that when they wheeled him away from me
they said I would hear something in
“max 2 hours.”

So when 2 hours and 1 minute had passed,
I started to worry.

I lasted another 19 minutes
before tracking down a nurse
who assured me that she would have heard if something had gone wrong
which helped me
squash the rising feel of panic.

It was another 2 hours before a different nurse came into the room
and in an agonizingly slow way
(i.e. lots of pointless questions for me first)
told me
Tom was ok
and he’d be back in the room
with me
in a half hour.
(not that that was true, but whatever – at least I knew he was awake)
Did she not realize that every second she is not telling me
good news
I am imagining bad news?

Probably not. Why should she?

She has no idea that the last time I was in a hospital
I thought everything was fine
until it wasn’t.

It still baffles me how one second
can change everything.

One second
the one you love most is alive
and in the next breath
she is gone.

We are very pleased to hear that all went well for Tom. I was thinking all day yesterday but didn’t want to ring to annoy you. I will call later today. This is also a new beginning. Tom will be fit and well in time for your next baby. Now you can both look forward together. Hugs (gently) from us.

I could feel your anxiety and fear when I read this. I remember that soon after Hunter went back to work, I was so afraid that something was going to happen to him or that he was going to get in a wreck. I’m glad you have a husband who means so much to you.

On October 24, 2008 at 07:09 Krista said:

I’m glad to hear that everything went well with Tom’s surgery. I hope that his recovery is quick and is feeling better than ever!