ENGLISH JOKES 2 / Anglické vtipy 2

PRISONA job applicant wrote, “No” to the query, “Have you ever been arrested?”
To the following question, which was “Why?” he answered, “Never got caught.”
(query = otázka, to be arrested = byť uväznený, to be caught = byť prichytený)

APPLES
Farmer: What are you doing up in that tree, boy?
Boy: One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.

A NEW GENERALA man recently appointed general in the army was in his new office when a new soldier walked in. Wishing to impress the new soldier, the general picked up the telephone and said, “Yes, Mr. President. I’m glad you like my suggestions. I’ll come by and give you a more detailed report at the White House a little later this week.”
After hanging up the telephone the general asked, “Now, soldier, what can I do for you?”
“Nothing much, sir,” said the soldier. “I just came in to connect your telephone.”
(connect = pripojiť)

BRAKES
A man was driving his truck down a hill. He said to his helper sitting beside him, “I think the brakes are gone.”
The helper said, “Oh, no, what are we going to do?”
The driver said, “Don’t worry, there’s a stop sign at the bottom of the hill.”
(brakes = brzdy, stop sign = dopravná značka stop)

AT THE MOVIESA boy and his girlfriend were at the movies.
“Can you see all right?” The boy asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied.
He then inquired, “Can you hear all right?”
“Yes,” came the reply.
“And is your seat comfortable?” the boy wondered.
“Very comfortable,” the girl answered.
“In that case,” said the boy, “would you mind changing places with me?”
(inquire = ask = vypytovať sa, reply = answer = odpoveď, comfortable = pohodlný)

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

What makes people bald-headed?
Lack of hair.
(bald-headed = plešatý)

Why is my little sister awfully tired?
She’s been walking since she was eight months old.

What is the world weather for rats and mice?
When it’s raining cats and dogs.
(mice = myši, to rain cats and dogs = liať ako z krhly)

What would happen if you swallowed your teaspoon?
You wouldn’t be able to stir.
(swallow = prehltnúť, stir = miešať)

Why do birds fly South?
Because it is too far to walk.

Why do white sheep eat so much more than black sheep?
Because there are so many more white sheep.
(sheep = ovca i ovce)

What do cats have that no other animals have?
Kittens.
(kittens = mačiatka)

How can you divide six apples among seven hungry people?
Make apple sauce.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
(fence = plot)

MAKING DECISIONS
Julie: “Do you have any trouble making decisions?”
Jane: “Well, yes and no.”
(trouble = problém, ťažkosť, make a decision = rozhodovať sa)

LOVE AT 2ND SIGHT
“I fell in love with my husband at second sight.”
“You mean at first sight, don’t you?”
“No. The first time I saw him I dind’t know he was rich.”
(fall in love = zamilovať sa, at second sight = na druhý pohľad)

TWO THINGS.
Grandmother sent her husband to do some shopping.
“Remember,” she told him, “there are two things I want you to get. Milk and butter.”
In one hour grandpa came back with a bag of salt only.
Grandma got angry, “I asked for two things. Where is the sugar?”

NEIGHBOURS. A young couple moves into a new neighborhood….The next morning while they are eating breakfast,the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly.Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.” Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly I wonder who taught her this.” The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

MAKING A WILL. Robert went to his lawyer and said, ‘I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.’ The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, ‘Not a problem, leave it all to me.’
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, ‘Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!’

SANDWICHES. Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.