27 August 2007

Elementary, My Dear WatsonModerates have a far better chance to develop a consensus than their counterparts. If consensus has so far eluded us it’s because we have been at the mercy of tribal bottom-feeders and incurable dunderheads who, even as they speechify on survival, plot our downfall. This much said, I don’t expect our bottom-feeding dunderheads to acknowledge this fundamental and self-evident fact.*Cui bono? – Who benefits? The old question asked by Roman lawyers is as good today as it was two thousand years ago. If the speaker is the beneficiary of what he says, the chances are excellent that he is either a liar or a dupe.*War is hell? So is peace. You want proof? Visit an Armenian discussion forum on the Internet.

Memo: For The Suggestion BoxWe do the right thing when we mourn our victims. But we do the wrong thing when we mourn only our victims. We should mourn for all victims, including Turkish victims. Mourn for the enemy? No other civilized nation does that, why should we? That’s no excuse. Let’s be as daring and progressive as we were in the 4th century.

We did not wait then for the rest of the world to civilize itself. We showed them the way. It was the rest of the world that followed our example by converting to Christianity, a religion that speaks of God as our Father. Which means we, all of mankind, including infidels, are brothers and sisters. There are no infidels in the eyes of the Lord, only prodigal sons who sooner or later are destined to return to the fold.

Questions I Ask MyselfWhenever an Armenian feels like slaying dragons, he visits an Armenian discussion forum on the Internet and verbally assaults anyone who disagrees with him, and makes it sound as if an Armenian disagreeing with a fellow Armenian were an outrageous scandal and an unheard of thing rather than business as usual.*Why do dogs fight?For the same reason that Armenians do.*Why do Armenians fight?That’s a question for our Armenologists.*How come dog fighting is against the law but war is not?That’s a question for our pundits.*It has been said that an Armenian will extend a helping hand when you are down, and when you are up he will send you right back into the gutter with a kick. True or false?True. I have met both kinds. There are no statistics but I would guess the kickers outnumber their counterparts.*Why is it that some Armenians get more worked up about a scribbler’s opinions than about what’s being done to them by frauds parading as men of god and statesmen of vision?Because they have either assessed themselves as men of god or statesmen of vision. Either that or they are the offspring of bishops or former commissars.

Self-AnalysisWe don’t know who we are. We may know what others think of us. We may even know what we think of ourselves. But that doesn’t even cover the tip of the iceberg – only a fraction of its shadow. Freud, Jung, Adler & Co. may disagree on many things, but they are unanimous on this point. We are full of contradictions. There is a Jekyll and Hyde in all of us. We rule over a kingdom that is terra incognita.*I can tell how good an Armenian is by the frequency with which he uses the words “Yes, sir!” If an Armenian disagrees with me on one thing, such as the placement of commas or semicolons, he is bound to disagree with me on many other things. An Armenian who disagrees with me might as well be a Turk, and the only good Turk is a dead Turk. If you dare to disagree with me on this point, I shall have no choice but to accuse you of insulting the nation.*In life, questions outnumber answers. Case in point: If they are bloodthirsty savages, why did they wait for 600 years to slaughter us?*In a commentary in our local daily today I read: “Even superpowers need friends.” Judging by the number of our internecine squabbles and tsunamis in a teacup, we behave as though we were invincible giants among gutless midgets. Heroes among zeroes. A Hercules among yellow-bellies! Hercules -- Iraklis in Greek, Hergele in Turkish -- hergele (with a lower case “h”) also means an oversized hoodlum in Turkish. Transplant a hero and you get a zero. Another symptom of the Jekyll/Hyde syndrome. *The shortest list in the world? Wars we have won.

Questions / AnswersYou don’t always reply to your critics. Why not?I don’t always read them.Why don’t you?One reason, they are unreadable.What’s another? A diarrhea of words and a constipation of ideas – to put it as elegantly as I can.That’s what they say about your stuff…or words to that effect.They don’t mean it. If they meant it they wouldn’t read me. I think they read me because they find me irresistible. And they find me irresistible because I speak about them.They say the only reason they read and criticize you is that they don’t want young readers to be taken in by your anti-Armenian tirades.What have I done to deserve such dedicated and selfless specimens of humanity?You don’t believe them?I have every reason to suspect they don’t believe it themselves.Some say you are motivated by bitterness, rage, and disappointment because you have been neglected and ignored by your fellow Armenians.Nothing new in that. It has been the fate of our writers to be ignored and neglected, sometimes even silenced, starved, and betrayed by their fellow Armenians.Betrayed? What do you mean betrayed?I meant betrayed to the enemy. Both Talaat’s and Stalin’s victims, two generations of our ablest writers, were betrayed by their fellow Armenians.There are those who say you flatter yourself if you think you qualify as a writer.In the eyes of commissars of culture no writer ever does; and judging by the number of readers who keep telling me what and how to write, we have become a nation whose commissars outnumber its writers. I said nation. Strike that. Make it, collection of tribes. Any concluding remarks or advice for your critics?Critics: I wish I had them.What would you call them? Kibitzers would be a euphemism. Okay, any final words?Whenever they feel the urge to read and comment on my things, they should slice a watermelon.Slice a watermelon? Is that what you sad? But why?They tell me it’s a good substitute for slaughter, and slaughter is never too far from an Armenian’s mind.

Anti-Semitism And USAnti-Semites are everywhere, including Armenians, and yes, including Jews. Once in a while we are reminded that Talaat was part Jewish, the implication being that it is the Jew in him that must be held responsible for the Genocide (a theory that would be more than welcome to the perps). My own sources tell me Talaat was part Armenian. So was the Red Sultan. What does that prove? Only one thing, that all men are brothers, like Cain and Abel. They may preach brotherhood but they prefer to practice Cain-Abelism, sometimes even cannibalism; and what is cannibalism if not another form of assimilation and recycling? It is wrong to assign guilt to races and nations because it may alienate potential allies, supporters, and friends, who come in all sizes and shapes, also races, colors and creeds – including Jews, Turks, and fantastic as this may seem, Armenians.

From My NotebooksIf I were to say I am better than you, not only you wouldn’t believe me, you would also be justified to dismiss me as a self-satisfied ass. Remember that next time you think of performing your first-nation-this and first-nation-that routine to an odar.*We fought a war against the Persians and their elephants in defense of our faith? That’s 1500 years ago. Since then we have learned to adapt and compromise. Under the Soviets we were the first nation to convert to atheism. How about that? Another first for us!*Armenianism and objectivity seem to be mutually exclusive concepts. Whenever I make an honest effort to deliver an objective assessment, I am assailed by a chorus of screaming Apaches on the warpath, followed by a contingent of yataghan-brandishing Janissaries.*May I remind those who use the word philosophy as if it were synonymous with mental masturbation, that the alternative to philosophy is philo-inbred-moronism.*What’s the use of having two or three answers to every question if they are all wrong or so full of holes that they convince no one?*I am accused of being consistently negative. Once upon a time I knew many stories that ended with “three apples fell from heaven,” and “they lived happily ever after,” but I have forgotten them all. My repertoire now consists of only one or two Nasredin Hoja stories that I have already told more than once. The best I can do today is this: Shortly before he died at the age of 91, Sibelius said: “All the doctors who wanted to forbid me to smoke and to drink are dead.” Ara Baliozian

Reader's Comment Dear Ara Bey,

Despite the thousands of pages flying on my desk, I dare not to let your articles escape my attention and make me think and smile. Your No. 1912 is too good to let go-by without just a few, reader’s remarks:

- Cui bono ? - Aha ! This is the reason and big catch!

- Hercules or hergele : excellent contribution or discovery

- Diarrhea v.s. constipation of ideas: well explained

- Self flattering : I disagree, to me it sounds more like a Catholic’s confession but in the public; to be heard by all!

- Watermelon slicing and slaughter: I like the watermelon and it does not remind me any slaughter!

- Cain-Abelism: another wise acronym

- Anti-Semitism-Armenianism etc: You had previously said “chok karishtirma bok chikar”- it is kindly reminded.

- Mental masturbation: seems I have similar disease! Any suggestion other than reading-writing to cure?

- Negativeness; In “ANI papirus” you had to make a negative confession to go to paradise, viz”

I did not steal, I did not lie, I did not commit adultery, I did not murder etc. - So you are O.K.!

- Nasreddin Hodja: He asked his neighbor if he could have his large cooking pot for a while. His neighbor gave it to him. Few days later Nasreddin returned the pot with a small pan inside. The neighbor asked, what:s all about this small pan? Hodja answered: “Didn’t you know? When the pan was in my house, it gave birth to this small pan.’ The neighbor liked the baby pan, he accepted both . Few days later, Hodja asked for the pot again, and he got it. After quite some time, the pot was not returned and his neighbor asked Nasreddin to give back his pot. Hodja replied” “Your pot died !” The neighbor was furious and said “Hodja, How can a pot ever die?” Hodja replied: “You believed when it gave birth, why don’t you believe now that it can die also!”

- Sibelius and doctors: I WISH THAT YOU EXCEED HIM AND I CAN SEE THAT TO CELEBRATE!

I share with you a history book page which is self-explanatory. Armenians have many similar photos, and so most of the people in the war areas had in those days. But none has been so well advertised to collect donations, Talat Pasha finally permitted in 1917 Near East Relief personnel to come en masse and distribute food and money. This continued up to the end of 1922, which means that the Kemalists did not hold the distribution, even when they were at war with short lived Armenian republic 1918-1920. The sad drama is that the famine stricken Turkish gendarmes had to guard the convoys and stored relief supplies. James Barton. Head of the Relief Committee, was proud when he said that 98% of relief goods went to Christians (Armenians, Assyrians, Nasturians) only.

Dear Ara, going through so much history, I feel like the poor fellows, going through the garbage hills. to find something of use, Turks did not want to go through this pile of Historial Garbage! The answer is in your first sentence? Cui bono ? Very few of us know, that it serves just very few, and the rest of us have to smell or paddle through this dirt . How and when can we end this mud slinging or digging the bones of those who perished on ALL SIDES, for the error of this or that person, who wanted to be heroes, like some try today!

Yes my friend. The answer is in the question itself: CUI BONO ?

(I have good letters of Ken Hachikian, answering that!)

Take care, best regards, and keep on hitting your “Balyoz” as a “Balioese” of good will plus logic!

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