Dec 22, 2010

The lowly, profoundly dysfunctional, decidedly underachieving and some would say hopelessly forlorn Town of Lamont, somehow located in the cool, hip, happening, beautiful, outrageously well-managed Whitman County in the far, far, far (did we say far?) eastern portion of the great State of Washington (almost over by Idaho, if you can believe that hideous luck!) - a town long known as a huge embarrassment to not only the power elite in Olympia but also a vast majority of the civilized world that knows how to read and can do basic math, woke up late Tuesday to what amounted to a mini 'Indy 500' or whatever, assuming those annoying flatbed pickup trucks and/or modified wheat trucks were allowed to race in the dern thing - and, of course, if all the Indy 500 drivers were raving mental patients, that is.

"What the? Whoa! Hey, slow it down there, buddy!" bellowed the mayor while safely hiding behind a tree (what a sissy!) just off Main Street! "Oh, sure, I knew that Lamont has been the proverbial 'acne outbreak' on the State's wedding day for decades and all, but couldn't they just have quietly ceded us to Idaho or Oregon or whatever? And whatever the heck happened to the old 'tried and true" condemning our water system trick or something? But this whole speed limit ruse, although effective, just seems to be a little sneaky and underhanded, if you ask me!" he sniveled annoyingly. "Sure, being the mayor of Lamont, of course I have a fair amount of sympathy with the State's goals and aspirations on this point - I mean, who wouldn't? - but it just seems like a somewhat convoluted way to rid the State of a persistent burr under the Olympian saddle, that's all. Dang it all, man! These area people could hardly drive when the posted speed limits were 25 mph in town and 50 mph on the State roads! (we won't even mention that whole 'road sign adherence' problem!) At this rate we will be the smallest town in the State sometime around noon, if my calculations are correct! I guess I did pick a good time to move to sunny New Mexico with its year round golfing, spicy senoritas and outrageously delicious breakfast burritos made the way those rascally Conquistadors used to like them back in the doggone 1500's or whenever that whole European invasion, colonization and blood-thirsty massacre thing actually happened! (When one spends the morning 'conquistadoring' or whatever the heck it was those Conquistadors actually did, it was darn easy to work up one towering hunger, or so the history books say!! And what kind of word is 'Conquistador' anyway? It don't even sound American, for Pete's sake! How can you trust anyone who doesn't even have the decency to have an American sounding name? I mean, come on! But they did know how to make a mean breakfast burrito - so they can't be all bad!) Oh, but one would think that the big cheeses in charge over there in Olympia could have waited until I actually left the State before unleashing 'Operation Road Warrior" on the dern place, that's all! (good thing our roads were designed by Century West Engineering! Just think of the body count then! Thank you CWE!!) What did I ever do to those State 'muckity-mucks'?? Don't my five years in the largely thankless mayoral salt mines count for anything over there? (of course not, you idiot!) What ingrates! I bet that stupid Long Beach never gets singled out for this sort of treatment! Oh, maybe Long Beach is better than we are, after all!" said the blasphemous, short-timing turncoat who was the one who picked the doomed fight with that vacation wonderland in the first place! (only to have his rear end handed to him over and over again! Oh, how embarrassing, even by Lamont standards! And Lamont is one town that knows its embarrassment, let me tell you!!)