Many parents look forward to becoming grandparents and often, this job description includes a bit of spoiling. However, when the relaxed rules lead to tension between grandparents and parents, it’s likely time to speak up and set some boundaries. While you want your kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, you also want to feel respected in your own role as a parent. Be gentle in your approach and talk it over. Have the grandparents enforce rules and enact consistency with your parenting. When faced with conflict, handle it with your partner and approach the situation with care.

Steps

Part 1

Having a Discussion

1

Assess what upsets you. Take an inventory of what things the grandparents do and don’t do that upset you. Too much screen time? Too much junk food? Not enough discipline? What would you like to see and why is it important to you?[1]

From this list, decide what is really important to you and what you can let slide. Pick your battles and ask yourself whether addressing these things may affect your relationship or your kids’ relationship with their grandparents.

2

Talk it over. Instead of reacting to problems, be proactive in addressing them. Don’t yell at the grandparents after you pick the kids up and they’re wired from too much junk food. Consider talking to the grandparents prior to dropping the kids off or at a neutral time. And there’s no need to be stern or tense, you can make the conversation light and casual.[2]

For example, you can say, “I notice that the kids come home really wired after spending time with you. It would be great if you could help us teach them healthy eating as we’re working on that at home.”

You can also say, “We have decided to have the kids participate in more reading and less tv. Would you help us out by encouraging them to read instead of watch tv or play on the tablet? That would help us so much.”

3

Acknowledge their wish to help. Grandparents can have strong opinions about little things. From potty training to wearing sunscreen to letting a child cry, the grandparents may interject an opinion lots of places. Instead of getting upset or worked up, acknowledge their desire to give advice.[3] Say, “Thanks for your opinion, I’ll think about that” or, “That’s another way to look at it, thank you.”

Remember that just because someone is offering advice does not mean you have to take it. However, you can still acknowledge their input.

4

Avoid giving criticism. While the children’s grandparents may infuriate you, be gentle in your approach. If you have feedback for the grandparents, take some time to think about what you want to say and why it’s important. Don’t go in with a list of things they are doing wrong or that you don’t appreciate.[4] Focus as much as you can on the things they do right without immediately jumping into judgments or criticism.

Instead of saying, “The kids come home from your house hungry because they hate your food” say, “Would you like some recommendations on food to serve? The kids can be picky sometimes and I don’t want it to be a problem for you or for them.”

Part 2

Emphasizing Your Rules

1

Talk about family rules. Consistency is important for children, so talk to their grandparents about rules.[5] Say to the grandparents, “We put the kids to bed at 7pm and wake them up at 8am, and this helps them to get enough sleep each night.” You can also say, “Emma has a hard time going to bed if she has caffeine during the day, so as a family we chose not to consume caffeine. This means not eating chocolate, drinking certain sodas or teas.” Be clear in your family rules and why they should be followed.

You can also say, “It makes our jobs really hard when the kids come back and want to keep breaking rules at our house. It would really help to enforce the family rules and have consistency for the children.”

2

Have them enforce punishments. Along with consistency with rules, it’s important that children know that punishments that follow breaking the rules will be enforced.[6] Talk to the grandparents about how consequences are handled. For example, if a child does not do homework, then they cannot watch tv. Talk about what actions get what consequences.

Write a list of family rules and consequences for the grandparents so that there is no confusion. If the kids are spending an extended period of time with the grandparents, go over the rules together with the kids and the grandparents so that everyone understands.

3

Show your appreciation. Especially when grandparents shift their way of doing things or show their support in any way, praise them. If your in-laws teach you how to swaddle or a new technique for getting your child to try new foods, thank them. Showing that you recognize and respect what the grandparents do and say can help them to feel appreciated, acknowledged, and useful. Thank the grandparents for their roles in your children’s lives.[7]

For example, start by saying, “I really appreciate the time you spend with the kids. It’s important for them to have loving relationships with the family, and I’m so glad you’re there for them.”

4

Ask to substitute gifts with activities. Some grandparents like to show their love by purchasing gifts for the grandkids. If the spending is excessive, ask the grandparents to participate in activities with the kids instead.[8] That way, your kids can build memories with their grandparents while enjoying their time together.

If grandparents live far from the kids, ask them to play a role in the kids’ lives outside of gifts by video chatting, sending audio or video recordings, and sending photo albums.

Part 3

Dealing with Conflict

1

Let them know when a boundary has been crossed. If a grandparent does something you’re not okay with, speak up.[9] For example, if a grandparent insists on giving endless advice, say, “I appreciate your expertise. I’ll let you know when I need help” or, “I understand you see it differently, but I’d find it most helpful if you did it this way.”

If you’re feeling heavily undermined, say, “I know you had to figure out lots of things when you were a parent, and I find that to be a fun part. I’d like to figure things out on my own, too, and it would help me if you supported that” or, “I know you have lots to share, but I don’t find this kind of advice helpful. I’m working hard to parent my child the best I can.”

2

Take a breather. If you feel worked up over something, don’t react right away. Take a moment to remove yourself from the situation, take a breath, and return when you’re ready. It’s easy to feel like your parenting is being undermined or that the grandparents are overindulging the kids. While this may be true, ask yourself, “Is this worth getting upset over?” Often, grandparents are so thrilled to be a part of their grandkids’ lives and show their love a little too much.[10]

Part of what many grandparents look forward to is a little bit of spoiling. If you find a grandparent occasionally slipping a chocolate to your kid, be flexible and find some middle ground.[11]

Grandparents want to show their love to their grandkids and mean no disrespect to you or your partner. Usually, it has little to do with you.

3

Work with your partner. Especially if problems occur with your in-laws, don’t handle this problem on your own. Ask your partner to get involved in the situation.[12] When in the midst of conflict with family members, keep a united front.[13] Agree upon what is best for you, your partner, and your children. When speaking with grandparents, consider speaking together.

Even if you write an email to the grandparents, say, “Me and my partner think it’s best” or, “Your daughter and I agree” so that you communicate that the boundaries are from both of you.

4

Speak clearly and lovingly. While you may feel angry and irritated, approach any conversation about boundaries with love.[14] Be clear in what’s important to you and why it’s important. Tell the grandparents that it’s important for your child to have positive family relationships, and that you’d like your role as parent honored.

Say, “I don’t want my child growing up with tension between their family members. We can all act loving together and support this child.”

If a grandparent says, “You’re doing it wrong” or, “I would have never done that when you were a baby,” remember that it’s like that they mean well. Grandparents want to give help and may not be aware of the most appropriate way to do so.[15] Say, “Thank you, I’ll consider that,” or, “I can appreciate your perspective.”