Why all Wembley needs is golden arches

Just like the punchline of a Des O'Connor joke, the FA made an announcement this week that the whole nation could see coming a mile away. They revealed that Wembley Stadium will definitely not be ready for this year's FA Cup final between Chelsea and the other team that reaches it. So yet again we are faced with another long trek down the M4 to the Millennium Stadium. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice venue but watching the FA Cup in Cardiff is like borrowing your mate's swimming trunks. Superficially they may look good and they may even fit you like a glove, but deep down everyone knows it's just not right.

I bet the stadium would be ready if Britain developed a bit of a Blitz mentality and we all chipped in to help. It could be like one big episode of Ground Force. We could send Brian Barwick away for the weekend, complete the work in a couple of days and surprise him when he gets back.

"Now we know you had your heart set on a brand new scoreboard for the east stand but we've whipped up a winter garden for the 18-yard box and instead of goalposts there are some lovely bamboo bushes." If they're so worried about the cost of materials why not pop down to B&Q? They've got some great offers on laminate flooring at the moment. In fact it would probably be cheaper to do the pitch with it, as opposed to that expensive turf stuff.

The soaring cost of steel is one of the factors holding up the project. Now steel is a good material to build with but not as good as and, more importantly, not as strong as Lego. Have you ever seen a five-year-old playing with toy bricks? They can do about two feet of wall per minute. That's what should have been the material of choice.

Football is not the only casualty. Bon Jovi and Take That may have to postpone gigs if the stadium is not ready by June. Somebody said to me the other day, "It's not like it's a life-or-death situation is it?" I beg to differ. The Rolling Stones are supposed to be playing Wembley in August. I saw a picture of Keith Richards this week and he has not got many more winters in him.

The government has come in for a lot of flak for originally refusing to bankroll the project and I sort of agree. Not because of the money but because it should have taken a leaf out of China's Beijing 2008 little red book of tricks and allowed child labour on the site. They're cheap, have no unions and, most crucially, have very small hands that would have been perfect for the more decorative work.

Part of the reason for delay must be because Wembley has not got a sponsor for the stadium. Any venue or stadium worth its salt these days has a sponsor. Take Arsenal's Emirates stadium, Bolton's Reebok and Wigan's JJB Arena. A stadium's name is a valuable commodity in the modern sporting world. I like the idea of a giant arch but would anyone really mind if it was called the McDonald's National Stadium with a pair of golden arches that loomed 500 feet over north London? Maybe a major rail operator could come to the rescue. It would be a perfect fit for the two brands as both are always extremely late and full of drunken idiots on a match day.

Who cares when it's finished anyway? I'm a Southampton fan - it's not like I'm going to be anywhere near the place for a long while. So come May I'll get my kicks by camping next to junction 30 of the M4 and watching smug Chelsea fans getting stuck in traffic.

Sing when you're whingeing

Keep your football chants coming in. If I get enough, I'll print the top 50 on the Guardian Unlimited website and the top five may win a prize - I emphasise may. Here's this week's top three:

3) Huw Richards says: "A phalanx of South Yorks policemen at Rotherham this season were greeted with It's Just Like Watching The Bill to the tune of the familiar Brazil chant."

2) John Rowley reports that property magnate and part-time footballer Robbie Fowler is often greeted with the chant: "We all live in a Robbie Fowler house, a Robbie Fowler house, a Robbie Fowler house" to the tune of Yellow Submarine.