And boom goes the — uh, well — akwardness

December 3, 2008

Luckily for all of us, not all golden things are awkward, nor are all awkward things silent - certain weeks of this column excluded, unless you make a habit of reading aloud, because, you know, I can, be prone, to commas.

The truth is, people are prone to awkwardness, whereas animals are obviously not.

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Brian Collins will never live this one down. (Photo courtesy of YouTube)

EDIT: I Googled "awkward silence animals" and found a site that is dedicated to pictures and videos of awkward animals. Among others, the star nose mole, the proboscis monkey and the shoebill are all definitely awkward. I stand corrected.

I definitely shouldn't have made such a bold assumption. What was I thinking? Ah, it was probably those mimosas talking. Hey, whoa! Speaking of animals, are you pregnant?

OMG. Wow. This is awkward.

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Let's get back to brass tacks. It's tough to capture the awkwardness of silence in a YouTube video - not so much in a newspaper column, as we know all too well. So, when you see just such a video, you know it's a special treat.

But we're not here to watch reruns of "The Office." The video in question is actually called "Boom goes the dynamite." It was suggested to me by two independent sources as a potentially fabulous video to feature. And, to preserve their anonymity, I will refer to those sources only as "Rones" and "Hudak."

The video is of an awkward sportscast, filmed for local television in Indiana. Brian, the young sports reporter, gets flustered on air, and his subsequent unraveling is of mammoth proportions. It's way more awkward than, say, the Miss Teen USA South Carolina's response to a question in the 2007 competition.

It's even more awkward than that question I asked you earlier. Because, like, I totally only thought you might be pregnant because these new glasses I have, they make everyone look fatter than they are. I mean, bigger - not fatter - not that you're big at all.

Haha, wow, I really want to run away. So, anyhow, this sports guy, his voice starts to crack. And then he lets the sports reels play for a long time, with no narration behind them. When he finally decides to speak, he says, awkwardly, "And boom goes the dynamite."

It's even more awkward than silence. Unfortunately, silence would make an awkward headline.