Common Myths about Poly

The below is a compilation of common
assumptions I hear from folks when they are trying to grasp polyamory.

Group Sex

Yes, group sex can happen within
polyamory.. and yes, it can be a heck of a lot of fun. No, it is not the
purpose or function of polyamory. In fact, there are several polyamorous
folks who have never had a group sexual experience. Group sex within
polyamory would require that you have 3 or more people who are all in a
relationship with each other, and that's not always the case.

In actuality, it's the strength of the
individual dyads (2 people) within a larger relationship that gives a
larger group relationship potential for healthy longevity. Which means
that each pairing, whether sexual or not, needs ample time together.

Lots of Sex

I don't know that there's any actual
statistical data available on whether or not a polyamorous person has more
sex than a monogamous person. But I personally can't say that this would
be true. Sure, a polyamorous person may have more sexual variety in his or
her life and more partners. But let's face it - there are only so many
hours in a day and a lot of things to fill those hours. However, it is
true that when you're in a new relationship, it is far more likely to have
more frequent sex than in an established long term relationship - and in
poly, you have likely hood to have more new relationship occurring.

Polyamory allows you to create a whole
person out of multiple

On a recent episode of the Montel
William's show, this was brought up as a benefit of polyamory. I
personally have problems with this statement, because it assumes that
people are pieces to a puzzle to create a whole. Yes, you may indeed find
a quality in one sweetie that another doesn't have (perhaps one likes wine
and does dishes, and the other is well read and likes dancing). However,
when reality bites, it's not simple as mix-n-matching your lovers to
create a whole. You will find that each person you're involved with
will have a lot of overlapping qualities. And you'll also find that some
of the qualities you would desire aren't present in any of your
sweeties. Or perhaps for practical reasons, a quality you really
desire in your daily life is only available in a sweetie you get to see
every so often.

The fact of the matter is, it's best to
find completeness in yourself first and foremost. Take responsibility for
your own happiness, and don't continue to frustrate yourself and your
sweeties by what they perhaps don't have.

It's easier for a woman

I often hear people tell me that it
must be easier to pursue polyamory if you're a girl, or a couple, or a
single or a guy. And that's simply not the case. Even a hot, attractive
single woman will encounter plenty of difficulties in finding
relationships. Usually because so many people treat them as a commodity
and expect them to just morph into their lives seamlessly. Couples,
especially those new to polyamory, usually have unrealistic expectations
of how relationships outside of their own will work. Guys usually have a
bad stigma, or assume that they can't do polyamory because guys in other
alternative lifestyles (such as swinging) have given single males a bad
reputation.

Magic Formula

Sorry, there is no formula or pattern
that you can follow to make polyamory work. Each relationship you have is
a unique as the individuals involved. You'll have to find what works for
you and the people you're involved with. There is no hard and fast right
and wrong way to do polyamory.