Idiots guide to Reportedge™ part 1

I've had a lot of hobbyists asking me to elaborate on the techniques used in Reportedge™ wedding photography so I've decided to answer a few of the most common questions in this guide for idiots. One of the main queries is 'what lens should I use'.

Well, there's an old saying in photography "If a picture's not good enough, you were too close " I think Robert Capa said it. He landed on Omaha beach with the allies and realizing he was far too close to the action he immediately jumped back on the boat and legged it. The first thing he did when he got home was buy the biggest piece of glass he could find and the rest, as they say, is history. He spent the best part of his career shooting from the comfort of an armchair. He was a pipe and slippers man from that day on.

I shoot most of my Reportedge™ from the back of the mobile glamour unit using massive telephoto lenses. A 2000mm with 2 times converter will usually suffice. I find that most Churches handily reserve a space for me to park right outside the gate and I get Muktar to open up both doors giving me the perfect view right down the aisle. The advantages of shooting from the car should be obvious: you can listen to the football rather than the hymns; you can smoke: you don't have to talk to anybody. The only real disadvantage is that you can sometimes end up shooting the wrong wedding but that was Muktar's fault. He was driving that particular day, because I was too drunk.

When you get to the reception you should switch to a 8mm Fisheyes lens. Wedding receptions are not nearly as dangerous as large dawn beach landings and the Fisheyes will allow you to keep close to the booze waiters. Capa would have done it this way - he loved a bit of booze.

Next week part 2- How to dress for Reportedge™ camouflage and other concealment techniques.

Also coming soon - available for download - Derek Pye's custom photoshop actions, including the 'add confetti to any image' action and a full tutorial on creating the 'no unicorn' Mistike™ shot.

Anonymous

I have made ¬£100,000 this year from my reportedge photography business. I want to invest some of my easily earned money into equipment and would like your advice.

At present I have one of those Canon thingy-me-bobs with a white lens. You know, like you see th press guys with on TV news. I'm thinking about buying an even bigger white lens thingy like the ones you see on broomsticks at sports events.

Please tell me what I should buy in order to be in the same league as yourself.

Anon

A variant on "Reportedge" is "Craportage". Pretty much the same but different.
For successful Craportage you will need:
1. A wizzy new DSLR
2. No clue how it works, how to make an accurate exposure or any idea about
colour temperature or anything technical at all
3. To take pictures of everything that moves and plenty that does not. Keep
your finger on the button long enough and something is bound to come out.
4. To revel in all that is hackneyed, cliched, dated, naff and just plain horrible.
An image can never be too cheesy! (Adopt this as your mantra.)
5. To be colour blind yet determined to do all your own digital D&P. (Colour
profiling? - That's a colour shot of someone stood sideways!) After all how
will you recover the investment otherwise?
These are the Five Golden Rules of Craportage. A nice finishing touch for the
wealthier client is to send off the carefully masacred files to that Italian
company so they can turn them all into a book of breathtaking tastelessness
at vast expense.
The Craportage phenomenon is here and brings rich rewards to its
practitioners and awards too. I saw plenty at the MPA bash last year. More
cheese please.

Snowman

@Derek, I am impressed by your reportage style wedding photography technique. I personally do not have access to such a long piece of glass but an old friend of mine employed a similar technique of capturing the scene from a distance through open church doors with a long lense. He said it was the only style in which he felt comfortable - it probably came from his years spent as a gynaecologist in Salford. Regards, Snowman.

Snowman

I am working on the ReportEdge 2.0™. My local astronomy club promised me access to their 5 meter telescope, so the wedding photographer doesn't even have to leave his office, he can simply point the telescope via the intertubes to the wedding, and take all his pictures from his/her armchair. The hefty fee from the client should go into a long planned in advance deforestation campaign between the telescope and all possible wedding chapels in the region.

Jake D

I tried the Reportedge™ technique with mixed results. I used a 4,000mm lens but hadn't factored in the curvature of the earth, as a result a lot of my better shots featured the the full face of the groom and the top of the bride's head, with the lower part of the picture being dominated by a Tesco's car park. One piece of advice I can offer is check to see if a bus route passes by the church door, I've had more than one occasion where a large commercial vehicle has broken down immediately between myself and the happy couple. An irate bride's father was only placated when I offered to get pictures of his wife published in Razzle, I only later found out his 'wife' was Malcolm, his transexual friend.