Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Guys, I've got a real treat for you today. Nina Cordoba is guest blogging here at Killer Fiction, and I guarantee you're going to love her post. Nina's one funny lady, and a talented indie author of romantic comedy. So, Nina, take it away!

CC

************************************************

Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Minutes!

Nina Cordoba

Ever look down at the scale and wish you could instantly drop the number by 10 pounds or so? In my romantic comedy Don’t Make Me Make You Brownies, even Abbie starts obsessing about her body with super-hot Rick watching her every move.

Well, I have a secret weight-loss system I’m going to share exclusively on this blog, and it’s guaranteed to lower your numbers almost instantly. All you need is the ability to follow my instructions and some elementary math skills.

We want to begin this exercise with a good, clean starting number—I call it my “gross” weight—so you must prepare before you get on the scale. The following advice may seem obvious to anyone who’s been watching her weight, but I learned when I was teaching adults not to assume anything.

Here it is: Pull your big girl panties OFF.

I know this flies in the face of the advice Christie Craig has been giving for years about how you should “pull up your big girl panties,” but I guarantee, she’ll make an exception in this case. So pull them off, along with all your other clothes. (If you’re frightened by your own naked reflection in the mirror, move the scale to a different room.)

Next, remove all jewelry, including wedding and engagement rings. If you refuse to remove them because you haven’t taken them off “since he slipped them on my finger 20 years ago, blah, blah, blah,” then I don’t think you’re committed enough to our endeavor and you should just stop reading before I reveal my secret system.

For the rest of you, now that you’re stark naked, suck in a deep breath, blow it out, and step on the scale. Take note of the number, but don’t panic! That’s not your real—net—weight. You have to do a little math before you get to your actual, lower number.

First, you must allow for your hair. Whether a sleek bob or a flowing mane, it certainly shouldn’t be counted against you weight-wise. If your hair ends above the shoulders, subtract 1 pound from your weight. If you have long hair, or what we call “Texas hair”—even above your shoulders—you’ll need to take off at least 2 pounds (allowing for all that hairspray build-up).

Speaking of hair, if you haven’t had your legs, face, and bikini area waxed in the last couple of days, take off another pound for body hair, including all the hair growing under your skin that hasn’t popped out yet. It really adds up!

Are you wearing any Band-Aids or birth-control patches or do you have any keloid scars? If so, take off a half pound. These things are heavier than they look. You just don’t know it because their mass is distributed evenly over the surface they’re covering—I’m all about the science, you know.

Do you have long, polished nails? If so, subtract a half pound for the parts growing past your fingertips and the paint. Fake nails? Take off a pound. Those suckers are heavy!

Still with me? Sorry if the fractions threw you, but it’s important that we’re precise in our measurements in order to get your real number. I’ll wait while you go get a calculator…

Okay, ready? Next, consider what’s inside your body. At any given moment, you have food and water making its way through your digestive tract. Since this stuff is only there temporarily, it shouldn’t be counted against you. Subtract 3 pounds.

Oh, and when I was replacing the filters in my air purifier and air conditioning vents the other day, it was clear there are tons of particulates floating around at any given moment. It’s safe to assume many are using you as a landing strip, so take off a half pound for dust accumulation.

And you may disagree, but I feel strongly that people should not be penalized for genetic anomalies they have no control over.

Do you have a large nose? Full lips? Thick eyelids? Moles? Warts? Big ears? Big feet? Take a half pound off for each of those minor genetic differences—in the case of big feet, that’s a half a pound per foot. Personally, I subtract a quarter pound for the “beauty mark” on my cheek.

Likewise, if you have an unusually large head, subtract 2 pounds for medium-large, or 3 pounds for super-sized. These physical abnormalities are not your fault, and you shouldn’t have to suffer for them every time you step on the scale.

Finally, do you have any reason to believe some of your internal organs are larger than normal? Has anyone told you that you must have the bladder of an elephant? Do people say you have a big heart? Ever have the feeling your brain is just a little bigger than the brains of the goofballs you work with? Subtract 1 pound for each of these conditions.

Once you’ve taken all these issues into account, be sure and do the math carefully. We wouldn’t want the numbers skewed in case you have to officially report your weight when getting a driver’s license, for instance.

If you follow my instructions correctly, then, like me, you can get ready every morning feeling as if a weight has been lifted off you!

What about you? Do you have any instant weight loss tips for me? Is there anything I overlooked?

Nina Cordoba is the author of Don’t Make Me Make You Brownies and Not Dreaming of You. You can find her books and her blog at www.ninacordoba.com .

Winner! Winner!

We have a winner in the Pet Photo Caption Contest! The winner is Sarah with "What do you mean the dog show people won't let me wear it? I'm a winner, aren't I?" for Photo number 4. Congratulations, Sarah! Please send your snail mail address to me at christie(at)christie-craig.com. You have 24 hours to claim your prize.

Regarding those of you who've already benefited from my words: I've always believed we should give something back to society, so it's only right that I do my part in combating obesity. If just one woman goes through life feeling lighter because of me, writing this blog was well worth my super-duper-valuable time.

OMG Nina!!! you should get the Nobel Prize for.....really really fun BS!!!! I love your system and maybe I'll run it past my Weight Watchers lady who will weigh me in tomorrow morning, it's so worth a try. Maybe she'll bite!!! Sigh- wish it was that easy.

I'm always ready with advice, Robin, especially the unsolicited kind. (One of my more endearing qualities.) And Terri, I think it would be "Don't LET Me Eat Those Brownies," but I'd hate for people to start policing my food intake wherever I went.

Oh, and Susan M., I just made an appointment with the doctor today, so I'm calling to make sure my hair appointment coincides. Now I just need a place that does the bloodletting you mentioned.

The Crime

The authors of this blog are hereby charged with writing Killer Fiction novels responsible for spontaneous outbursts of laughter in public places, uncontrollable swooning over larger-than-life heroes, and the deaths of countless fictional villains.

The Evidence

Our Accomplices

Please come join us in chatting with these fantastic guest bloggers!
May 4thMina Khan