Rogers introduces new ‘unlimited billing’ plan

Atlantic Canada — One of Canada’s major phone, Internet and TV providers has raised the bar again, this time offering its thousands of reluctant customers a competitive unlimited billing plan.

“We can’t offer unlimited wireless data — or we really don’t want to — but we’re now allowing our customers the freedom to choose unlimited billing. It’s the next best thing,” said Rogers spokesperson Ronald Hayes. “Our customers have been complaining about limitations and constraints, but now we’re removing one of those. It’s past due…like many of your payments.”

Customers who want unlimited something — anything — can now use all the data they want with the security of knowing their bill could be anything from modest to astronomical.

“The range of billing amounts has in the past been relatively restricted,” continued Hayes. “Now, though, even if you sent one text in June, didn’t use your smartphone data to access Facebook or Twitter, didn’t call anyone, and don’t subscribe to our TV or Internet services, your end-of-month bill could wind up being hundreds of dollars. Hell, thousands!”

Rogers Canada CEO Fran MacKnight said the decision to offer unlimited billing is partially a way of making the company’s call centres more viable and lucrative.

“We project that the number of calls coming in will quadruple. Customers will want to call to thank us for our diligence and innovation regarding this new plan. We’ll be able to hire more customer service agents, build more call centres, and boost the local economy in each community where a call centre is situated.”

Rogers customer Jeremy Colbert of Halifax said he is excited to try out the new billing format.

“I mean my bill was always sort of unlimited in that it was always higher than I anticipated, but like, I knew if I used too much data I’d be dinged for it at the end of the month,” Colbert mused. “With this, the onus is completely off me. I’ll just use all the data and services I want, and gamble with my bill. It could be a drop in the bucket, or I might have to re-mortgage my home. Who knows!”

MacKnight explained that the billing amounts will now be based on random numbers pulled from a hat.

“We have a nice cap with the Rogers logo embroidered on it, and one of our employees will draw numbers from the hat and assign them to customers each month — if the customer is on the unlimited billing plan. That way, the cost is truly unlimited. The numbers in the hat will be from $100 to $1,000,000. If a customer wishes to have even fewer restrictions on their bills, they will need to spend their entire day on the phone with one of our dismissive and incompetent customer service representatives attempting to sort something out.

Archives

Meta

Disclaimer:

All content (including without limitation likenesses, quotes, figures, facts, etc., collectively, “Content”) hosted on The Manatee websites and associated social media accounts (“The Manatee Sources”) is fictitious and satirical and should not be taken seriously. The Manatee Sources and Content are provided as is. By accessing any of The Manatee Sources you acknowledge and agree that such access, any use of Content, and/or linking to other websites or accounts from The Manatee Sources are entirely at your own risk.