Naked, misled sleepers, awake already!

Mark Morford

Published
4:00 am PST, Wednesday, November 1, 2006

This just in: Some people are having sex while they're completely asleep.

It's true. It's a newly reported medical condition. And some people, as you might imagine, are rather upset about it. And as we'll see, it's not the only dire sleep issue facing a naked, exhausted nation.

It seems that sleepsex, as it's called, tends to affect love lives. Interrupts sleep patterns, ruffles the sheets, creates unexpected patches of moisture and leaves you wondering who'll do the laundry or if you'll still be respected in the morning and why you're sore in places you didn't expect to be sore in when you went to bed. You can see the problem.

Apparently, some people -- most often those who are awake -- say sleepsex is not always tender or loving or preceded by any sort of nice dinner or back rub or flowers. They say the sleeping person is often very demanding, even a little violent and aggressive in the pursuit of things squishy and moany and good, and will often not take no for an answer. Others, say the sleepsex is quite good. Even better than when both parties are actually awake. This is rather amusing. And startling. Unless it makes some sort of perfect sense wherein you say, well, of course, after all, my lover is normally uptight and inhibited and totally self-conscious about, say, getting naked and hanging upside down and getting flogged by a soft leather whip. But when she's out cold, she's a whirling whipariffic wildcat. What's not to like?

Sleepsex now has an official Web site, Sleepsex.org. It has its own book. This is how you know it is a verifiable occurrence. Truly, most things nowadays do not exist until they have an official Web site or a book written about them. Like, say, Paris Hilton. Or miniature ponies. Or North Korea.

Sleepsex is merely the latest sleep phenomenon. It comes hot on the heels of recent dire reports of people who binge eat while sleeping, usually after popping an Ambien. They drop into a strange zombie-like state and then wander into the kitchen at 4 a.m. to polish off a roast chicken and a six-pack of Diet Sprite and an entire bottle of Mr. Chin's Hot n' Sour Pork Marinade along with a huge box of Betty Crocker Fudge Brownie mix, only to wake up four hours later with a stomachache, an odd taste in the mouth and the faint sensation that they have done something very, very gross.

It does not stop there. You have perhaps read the stories of people who drive while asleep? Perhaps you have seen these people on the road? The ones who make a sudden left turn from the far-right lane? The ones who have their left blinker on the entire trip? The ones who have a huge array of sad stuffed animals in the back window and whose cars smell faintly of old underwear and stale dreams and Betty Crocker Fudge Brownie mix? They are, sadly, legion.

It has been noted that some people, while sleepwalking through the house, will rearrange the furniture. Some reports even claim that a few of these people are quite good at it, and should therefore perhaps consider sleeping a great deal more so they may start their own sassy interior design companies to help you choose the best placement for your new leather sectional.

You might think this is all some sort of joke. But it is not a joke. It is a national affliction, bordering on tragedy.

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"What we're seeing is some sort of sleep-activity epidemic, and damn it, it is not pretty, so quit your smirking," Dr. Eric Somnabitz of Johns Hopkins University would have said had he actually existed, which he does not. "In fact, it is very possible I am making these very statements while completely asleep," he would've added. "I might not even be a scientist! I could be a failed pastry chef from Iowa, dreaming this entire paragraph. Can you see the problem?"

There is also -- how to put this delicately -- there is also the horror of sleep marriage. It's true. It turns out millions of humans are falling in love on the thinnest of emotional connections and then deciding to get married, all while completely asleep. Millions of individuals report waking up two, three, sometimes even 25 years later, only to say, oh my God, what the hell was I thinking? Who is this person? I must've been asleep!

Also, babies. No one is quite sure how many children now walk this earth as a result of people getting knocked up and popping out five kids while entirely asleep, and then neglecting four of them and sending the fifth off to rehab/military school while the first four get resentful and depressed and hooked on Ambien and end up turning Republican and sending sexually suggestive instant messages to nubile teenage congressional pages. And they're completely asleep! It's a national disgrace, is what it is.

And finally, studies say that during the past two elections in particular, a shockingly large number of Americans, mostly confused sleep-Christians, were afflicted by the sad tragedy known as sleepvoting. This nasty condition causes people to wander into a polling place while completely unawake, armed with only the scantest understanding of what is really going on and how much they have been lied to and misled and beaten down with cheap dime-store fear, and then blindly voting for exactly the wrong corrupt imbecile, who is usually (but certainly not always) a Republican.

You can begin to get a sense of just how terrible, how widespread the sleepliving issue is. In fact, many experts, mystics and gurus say much of the entire human race has been going about its business for millennia, eating and marrying and screwing and warring and laughing and whining and going into severe debt and gaining 50 pounds and buying a new iPod, all while completely asleep.

This is what they say. And it is long past time, they add, that we should consider waking the hell up.