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Tuesday, 19 April 2016

In a somewhat unexpected move, the CFC has reployed to Osmon, a 0.7 security system in Caldari space, in order to attempt to extend viceroyalty to the residents of the Forge.

After wardeccing ten highsec ice mining corps in preparation for the move, the conflict has seen mixed success for the CFC. After losing a Hurricane fleet to a handful of Exhumers with frigate support, the majority of the forces deployed to the system have remained docked for the remainder of the day.

Nonetheless CFC leadership are working hard to turn the war in their favour. Dabigredboat, the CFC's second most competent fleet commander, told the Eve Onion 'Swordfleet'. When pressed for further details, he again said 'Swordfleet'. After being asked how interceptors would perform against the fierce T1 drones of Skiffs and Mackinaws, he defended the choice of doctrine by reiterating 'Swordfleet'.

Although one miner did agree to personally give The Mittani 10% of his ore - significantly boosting Goonswarm's ailing revenues - the alliance received a blow when one Karmafleet member defected to a mining corp based in Osmon. The Mittani has called for a new hellwar against this rogue member, and has promised to bring the full force of the Goonhammer down upon him.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

This article was sponsored by IWantISK.com (free Goon killmail with every bet)

The Eve Onion offices have been a whirlwind of activity. Editor Tubrug1 gave us poor staffers the job of finding out who were the ten most influential people in Eve Online. He then flew off in his new gold titan with SUAS – no idea where he got that from.

1. Eep (owner of IWantIsk) - I’ve got a note here from Tubrug saying that Eep needs to be #1 on this list.
2. Niden – this Eve media genius revived the once dead corpse of the niche Scottish language site Crossing Zebras; transforming it into the 2nd best Eve news site on the Internet.
3. Grath Telkin – you may know Grath from such failed Kickstarter adverts as ‘The Fountain War’. Media celebrity and secret leader of Pandemic Legion Grath is best known for running Eve’s largest charity Ship Replacement Fund – if you’ve lost a ship send him your lost mail now!
4. Laz – Eve’s premier twitch streamer who has attracted a loyal following of beard fetishsts; he’s also got a cool racing chair. Laz is annoyingly nice so I can’t bring myself to take the piss out of him.
5. Progodlegend – if you’ve just thought up a cool fit for a ship this guy probably invented it first. Former part-time CSM and above average TEST fleet commander(sic) ProGod rocks in at the number five spot
6. Villy – famed former Goon FC and now chief nerd herder for TEST alliance, Villy is currently burning the North and claiming he invented boredom in Eve. A bold claim for a bold man.
7. The Mittani – the leader of the Band of Businessmen, he is the Rupert Murdoch of Eve: creepy, rich and powerful but nobody's sure why.
8. Sion Kumitomo – the James Murdoch of Eve; nuff said really
9. Jeff Raider – Eve’s top meth fuelled podcaster. Jeff has Eve’s most interesting guests on this show which is handy because on his own he’s a boring tool.
10. Xander Phoena – pastebin addict and one-time foreign language podcaster; if you have a secret for fuck's sake don’t tell him.

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

CCP developers weere today left red faced as it was revealing that they had published artwork for an upcoming release in error.

In recent weeks CCP have come under a sustained email campaign by Social Justice Warriors complaining about the CFC background which had been provided for the hugely successful #WorldWarBee campaign. The SJW group claimed the background only represented the privileged honey bee and ignored the struggle of other minority insects such as: horse flies, hornets, wasps and beetles.

In an attempt to avoid any further email exchanges with what one insider called ‘entitled twats’ CCP quickly responded by releasing updated artwork which depicted no animals of any sort. It has now transpired that this artwork was actually part of a wider project planned for release in July; a new room in the captain’s quarters.

For some months CCP have been secretly working on the Captain’s bathroom project. This would allow players to wash, bath and carry out other daily ablutions. One design feature of the new bathroom allows players to have custom backgrounds.

When asked to produced a revised CFC background, the CCP art department decided to use a simply screenshot from the captain’s bathroom project. Careful inspection of the revised background reveals that behind a wet towel and through the rooms steam you can just pick out the wings of the CFC eagle. The Eve Onion has reached out to CCP for comment.

When asked to produced a revised CFC background the CCP art departmentArticle written by GrouchyOldGamer

Monday, 11 April 2016

International tensions rose last night after North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un publicly stated that the rhetoric from the CFC is in direct violation of North Korean law and threatened vengeance for the coalition's transgressions against the country.

It's emerged that although most members of the Korean DOKDO corp were from the South, one of the few North Koreans with internet access was also a member of the corp. A member of the Supreme Leader's inner circle, he recently told Mr. Jong-Un how funny he found The Mittani's attempts to control his fragmenting coalition.

The Supreme Leader researched the matter further and was disgusted to see that the CFC leadership were polluting his innocent countrymen's minds with colossal amounts of dishonesty and outright lies. A crime punishable by being executed by an AA gun in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un released a statement denouncing The Mittani's efforts at spinning. He also placed the blame on CCP for facilitating this criminal and threatened nuclear war on Iceland.

With Kim Jong-Un joining World War Bee as a third party, CCP have released a new character portrait background for the followers of the Supreme Leader. Time will tell whether The Mittani realises the reality of the situation from his bunker.

Despite Lemba's virtuous efforts to undermine the CFC, The Mittani has actually been aware of his true intentions for several months now. He decided against kicking him at the time in order to deal a blow to the MBC (whose rise he also foresaw) in Goonswarm's darkest hour. 'These aren't dank leaks', The Mittani stated. 'These are officially de-classified logs. Sorry to disappoint you sweet summer children, I know you think you're entitled to 'dank leaks' (that's a stupid /r/eve meme by the way), but this is a hellwar and we're not going to give you the satisfaction.'

In other CFC news, The Mittani has also announced a ban on his weekly Fireside Chats after realising the irony of delivering them while standing in the middle of a fire. Daily morale posts will now be published on themittani.com.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

DurrHurrDurr, CEO of The DurrHurrDurr Media, has today unveiled an ambitious new kickstarter project on behalf of Test Alliance Please Ignore. Based on the popular 'Where's Wally?' line of books, 'Where is Goonswarm?' promises to be an even bigger hit.

DurrHurrDurr announced the project on /r/eve earlier.

"For too long our favourite bee guys have been missing. What better way to find them then to outsource the job to children? Your child will learn all kind of skills such as willpower, resilience and autism as they try to locate Goonswarm. Seriously, those faggots are fucking hard to find.

But this isn't just about making me fat stacks, it's necessary for the survival of the game. Think of all the kids we could bring into Eve. Maybe it would finally give the CFC enough numbers to defend their space, as well as raising their average IQ."

The idea has been well received by many - from CCP to Pandemic Legion. Less impressed were members of Razor - who's own alliance was recently found in a dumpster. One of them commented "The disappearance of Goonswarm is no laughing matter... They will come... They must come". Goonswarm could not be found for comment.

Monday, 4 April 2016

The CFC, who have gone from strength to strength in the past two weeks, have assured their members that they are very much winning the [unnamed war].

The Mittani, giving his ninth morale speech of the week, praising the coalition's recent efforts to defend their space:

"Over the past week in particular, we've demonstrated more than ever Goonswarm is your worst enemy and your worst friend. Although we had to abandon Vale and Fade to defend more important areas of space, our new Swordfleet doctrine has seen tremendous success. The wrecks of our interceptors have actually started clogging the foe's guns leaving them helpless to wildly inaccurate bombing runs. "

The Moneybadger Coalition has been hampered by the recent setbacks, and according to themittani.com may be becoming fragmented. "It looks like we won't take VFK until the 20th April now, a delay from our original target of the 19th April. Morale is low," Elise Randolph stated. "Hopefully we'll be able to pick up the pace at which we take regions soon."

CO2 leader Gigx also shed some light on why CO2 abandoned The Mittani's protection for a disorderly rabble of a coalition. "It's sort of just an act of collective suicide", he explains. "We got bored of playing so rather than just disappearing like Razor, which is pretty boring, we thought we'd do something that's sure to completely remove us from the game. Once the CFC deal with the Moneybadgers I'm sure mittens will turn up to personally drop kick us into Jove space."

Mittani's vengeance isn't just limited to members of the Moneybadger coalition though. Elo Knight and his merry band of men have turned to highsec, to suicide gank everyone who shows support for the Moneybadgers. "We heard the real good guys were winning pretty hard up north, so we just decided to come down here and gank some miners. It's sort of like how when you want to kill a weed you have to go for the roots rather than just the leaves." With Goonswarm standing on the brink of victory in [the current war], many in the MBC are praying for a miracle. And by God they'll need one.

Friday, 1 April 2016

It's emerged that many members of Goonswarm leadership have abandoned their homes in the past few days in an attempt to prove to their members that no one wants to hold sov any more.

Goonwaffe director Schwaboy was one of the first to abandon his personal sov after trying to prove a point following a debate on Zulu irc. He has now been living in the wilderness for a week, and said the experience has only reaffirmed his initial feelings that no one needs sov. "Now I don't have to go on fleets to defend my home every day. I don't need a job, I can just run level 2 missions for the local farmer. This is just ~the life~ I love it."

He has now been joined by The Mittani, Sion Kumitomo and many other high-ranking goons, who have vacated their houses and have started staying in hostels. Some have speculated they are practising living a more modest lifestyle for when their revenue from the multi-dollar TMC media empire dries up.