I am a weird organic life form. Not entirely perfect. I walk by the wall.

January 2, 2017

by raince

Hi.

It’s been a while since we last talked. Don’t you think it’s kinda funny how we often start with conversations with recalling how much time has elapsed between the then and the now? Anyway, nothing much has changed with me. I’m still going through the same old things everyday, maybe just with a different perspective. Like I was seeing all blue before; now I’m seeing red; sometimes violet because they mix? I also haven’t been doing that much writing lately (can’t you tell from how much my words seem to be all mechanical tap sounds from my keyboard and not my actual voice because for some reason, my hands leave imprints on the keys really awkwardly, as if I’m talking to somebody I used to be more comfortable with before but it ended up whooshing into the state of being strangers yet it seems so impolite to not post updates with how things are with myself because of the expectant raise of eyebrow for me to keep going and I cannot make myself stop as well anyway). Okay, breathe.

What a huge block of texts to start this talk with. Awesome.

Happy New Year, by the way. It’s 2017. I’m claiming it to be a good year because my favourite number is 17. There are a lot to expect—final demo teaching, graduation, job applications, LET review, the actual LET, work, more future plans. I have no idea how much time I’d have for myself to spend on just relaxing and stuff. It seems already jam-packed with things to do.

But since my current schedule isn’t as hectic as I expected, I just used my time to transport myself to different folds of reality in forms of fiction. Also, do you ever get the feeling that you have too much time in your hands yet you feel like you’re going to regret not using it to do more productive things (than being on bed and reading?) But yeah, since I’m me and I don’t really care much about how I make the most of my free time (sue me, it’s called “free” time for god’s sake, why do I need to worry about anything), I read “The Metamorphosis”, a book long ago recommended by my friend Vhea. She loved it so much that she kept rambling about it whenever the topic of books is opened up. It was very weird. Especially how Gregor sort of succumbed to accepting things as they already were, not even letting the “morphing into a fully different creature than he is” sink in, and just offering himself to the misfortune of the universe. He seemed to be totally oblivious to the fact that he just turned into a fucking vermin, and just went on with his thoughts as if he needed to do his work done, catch up with the morning train, he’s late oh so late and he cannot afford being fired. What the hell. And his family not even giving a second thought about how he is, just worrying about how they’d go on with their lives now that their only source of income is now hidden inside a room they do not even care to visit. It’s pathetic. I cried multiple times.

So yeah. Now, I’m going to read “How to Use your Enemies” a.k.a. How to Use People to Your Advantage.

Oh, and I’m going to the gym today. Time to make myself believe I’m disciplined enough to focus on goals.