Speak Jokes

Funny Jokes

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.If being chased through town, you can usually take coverin a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of theyear.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reachup to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist levelon the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stickof French Bread.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there issomeone in the control tower to talk you down.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even whilescuba diving.The ventilation system of any building is the perfecthiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you inthere and you can travel to any other part of the buildingyou want without difficulty.If you need to reload your gun, you will always have moreammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.You're very likely to survive any more...

If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.***WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)Deep Thoughts about Gender DifferencesSEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." Thereceptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionistreplies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By thistime the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling youthat your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger.The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"

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Speak Up - Prayer Jokes. Clean Christian jokes, funny jokes, free jokes, and clean jokes and humor about prayer, God, the Bible, faith, kids prayer, and more. Enjoy a wide variety of funny Christian jokes, good clean jokes, and family safe jokes and religious humor. A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep." Suddenly he looked

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Dave W: Rastus and Fifi when out for a walk.
They came upon a cemetary. Rastus says: Fifi, how about I prop you up on one of these tombstones. and we'll knock off a little piece. Fifi snaps back, Rastus, you know I get a rash on my back when we do that. Rastus keeps saying, Oh, it'll be just fine Fifi. Fifi finally gives in and lets Rastus put her up on the tombstone. In a liitle while, Fifi says, "Rastus, do I have a rash on my back? Rastus replies: Fifi, I don't know about your back, but yo ass done died in 1923.

Pamela Pines: Heart Felt Poem. THANK YOU TO ALL WARRIORS (SOLDIERS) who have fought for our freedom & protected us. AND THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO STILL DO THIS FOR US.

JiJi: Rubbish!!!!!!!!!!

Henry: It is really funny. I was just about to add this joke to the website and saw it here!

Mike Dougherty: This is seriously my favorite joke ever. I mentioned it to one of our Language Arts professors, who just kind of guffawed. A few days later she told me her whole department was gunning for me. (I guess she spread it around.)

IlikeTrAINS: Bruh yo hairline so far back i need binoculars to see it

Ludwig Van Beethoven: I love it make more please

Ludwig Van Beethoven: I love it! at the end, it was so funny!:)

Jay: This is not a joke! This is not a forum for political views. So sad. I don't suppose I need to hold my breath for a derogatory Hillary joke anytime soon, right?

Jayden: if ur math teacher told u to solve a hairline problem, it would be impossible