""I," he said, far too calmly, "am a reprehensible bastard with filthy taste in pornographic smut, the moral fiber of a piece of well-used chewing gum, the punctuality of a water clock in the middle of the desert, and the general stability and reliability of a chipmunk on crack. I have no idea what in the hell a respectable, responsible, earnest, gentle, tender, and all-around disgustingly nice person like you ever saw in me. But -- being the greedy, devious, and calculating son of a bitch that I am -- I would sooner die than let a treasure like you slip through my grasping fingers.""

Ah, Side Effects. One of my favorite Naruto fanfics. Yaoi, and Mpreg, but it's great all the same.