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Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I Do

More and more often I see or hear or read something that makes me feel like I’m getting increasingly bad at being a member of the gay community. For example, I don’t know even know if “the gay community” is still a thing. If it is, are the qualifications for membership still the same? And if it isn’t, then what group am I a member of?

Back when I first understood and accepted that my lifestyle was of the alternative type, there was just gay, lesbian and bisexual. Which is not to say, or even imply, that God hadn’t yet invented any other orientations or genders. But in a world where homosexuality had only been removed from the DSM ten years prior, understanding and acceptance of people whose lifestyles were considered even more alternative just wasn’t happening.

I think I need to update my membership card.

I don’t remember there ever being just LGB, and believe it was when transgender was added to the mix that the syllable-saving acronym, LGBT, became widely used. It was when the Q was added that I first stated feeling a little out of sync. In my experience, gay men and lesbians were called queer derogatorily … often by a carload of rowdy young men whose courage and bravado peaked when surrounded by like-minded boys in a get-away car. Since then, that acronym has become something of an alphabet soup as people of various orientations and genders look to be recognized as specific and unique rather than grouped together as “other.”

Most recently I saw the enhanced acronym LGBTQIAG. I knew that I and A were intersex and asexual, but the G stumped me. Naturally I turned to the Internet, which I’ve come to depend on as an excellent substitute for actual knowledge or education, and learned that it stands for genderqueer. I knew what gender and queer meant (that is, I think I did … I used to, anyway), but scrunched together to make a new word? I had no idea. Back to the Webbernet I went and this is what Wikipedia had to say:

Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine — identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity. Genderqueer people may identify as one or more of the following: * having an overlap of, or indefinite lines between, gender identity; * having two or more genders (being bigender, trigender, or pangender); * having no gender (being agender, nongendered, genderless, genderfree, or neutrois); * moving between genders or having a fluctuating gender identity (genderfluid); or being third-gender or other-gendered, a category which includes those who do not place a name to their gender.

Wait. What? Gender fluid? Trigender? Cisnormativity? When did all this happen? I’m so behind on the vernacular that I just found out the correct word is transgender, not transgendered. Am I supposed to memorize all these gender identities? Is this going to be on the test?

I’m curious about how other gay and trans people feel about being lumped together. I can see how it might have happened … we were all considered perverts and freaks, and could be more efficiently feared and hated if we were in the same group. I guess it’s also possible that we all relate to being abused, harassed and discriminated against, so we joined forces and made it our mission to eliminate prejudice and intolerance wherever it exists. Kind of like the SuperFriends or the Justice League, except without super powers or spandex unitards.

I’ve been asked questions about those who are transgender and directed the asker to find someone who’s transgender, because how would I know? I’ve also been asked if I’d ever considered being a guy, because lesbians are basically just men in a girl suit fighting to get out, right? And I’d imagine more than a few trans people have been told that they’re actually gay and just in denial about it. By that logic, coming out as trans would somehow be easier than or preferable to coming out as gay. And that is just too stupid to even make fun of.

I’m looking forward to when we all just identify as people and stop thinking that who we fuck and which sexy-parts we have matters or is anyone else’s business?

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18 responses to Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I Do

There is definitely spandex unitards. I saw them this weekend in what I will call an alternative sex-style store while shopping for a birthday present. Because: gay.

I did ask not long ago if being affiliated with the gay means I get a club card in the mail, are there discounts? How does this whole thing work? Is there a written test or just a pee stick that turns rainbow?

You didn’t get your membership card from the home office yet? That’s odd, usually they’re more on to of things. They might just be busy with all the same-sex marriage stuff going on.

Home Depot used to offer discounts to lesbians; but then they figured out that we’re drawn to Home Depot like moths to bug zappers and don’t need to be lured in. So they cancelled the discount program.

Now I can sleep much better after reading your post. Soon enough we’ll have the whole alphabet and I’ll look forward to an updated post because no doubt I won’t be able to sleep again until I know.
On a serious note: bloody brilliant post.

I can relate. Sometimes I’m up all night wondering what the addition of all these new letters will do to FALAGABATATA (Federal Agency of Lesbian and Gay and Bisexual and Transexual and Transgender Americans).

I think it matters in as much as we see our sexual identity as part of our personal identity. It’s not so much a matter of who we fuck, but who we are. I identify as a straight, I mean, cisgendered American woman and that identification informs how I perceive the world and how others perceive me.

Despite being a straight woman, I’ll chime in with my opinion: I think this concern about labeling that we see in the LGTBQ community has a lot to do with being out, and not feeling shame, and naming precisely who you are, and recognizing all the differences that exist on the spectrum of human behavior. And while you’re right, it’s nobody’s business, I think there are a lot of people who feel they should be able to shout their orientation from the top of a mountain and not experience repercussions, and possibly equate privacy with denial or shame or “the closet” (not that it is, just they may think that way).

I’m all for rooftop shouting if that’s what someone wants to do. But I don’t think anyone of any gender or orientation should feel obligated based on the expectations of Group Whatever.

And to me, the “nobody’s business” thing isn’t necessarily about pride vs. shame, it’s more about manners vs. rudeness. A lot of people think or assume that they have free reign to ask us about the most personal and private things. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, asking if they’ve ever had a three-way, had sex with a man or used a strap-on is completely inappropriate … even if the person they’re asking is a lesbian 🙂

I’ve learned to never under-estimate what a guy might say when he meets a real, live lesbian.

I don’t think being asked about my orientation is rude. It’s the questions some people ask because I’m gay. And it’s not even so much what I’ve been asked – – – I understand curiosity. It’s more about how and why. So while someone who would never dream of asking a straight woman those kind of questions, especially in front of her BF/husband, having no qualms about asking me feels like my life/relationship doesn’t deserve the same respect or aren’t as “real.”

Yesterday, I was thinking more about the comment I left, and I’m thinking I should qualify my answer. While I’ve never been asked about my sexual identity, I have been asked if I’ve ever had an experience with another women a few times. Not so much lately, now that I’m older and married, as I think I’ve fallen out of the demographic in which other people are concerned with what I do during the sexy times.

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