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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Somebody got it all wrong around here

It appears that someone took umbrage w/ me stating some facts about the Aggies, and how they view our little rivalry. It appears that one of our esteemed bloggers drank about 2 bottles of mediocre scotch, and had the audacity to blame me for our loss to Texas A&M. Hilarious.

Well, what we need here at SportsKarma is a bit of a correction. First of all, I never ran smack about the Aggies (although, in hindsight the title does need to be changed...I will freely admit that needs some correction. That's my fault, ultimately. After all, it was my damned post). What I did was speak truth about the Aggies. What I said was that they took this rivalry to a whole other level by committing an actual act of martyrdom, and continuing to act upon that singular moment. I find that sort of behavior egregrious and completely pathetic. If those pieces of human waste want to perpetuate that sort of behavior, then they would be best suited by moving to an area of the world where that sort of thing is thought of more highly. Like Israel, for example. I'm sure in Israel they would be happy to accept a group of people who built a tower of Babel, set it on fire, and gleefully chant nonsensical rants about how much they hate their opposition. In fact, I'm sure they'd welcome it and cheerfully give them pointers on their next rally regarding VIP newsletters, hiring washed-up NFL coaches, the Dixie Chicken, dry humping in the stands, cleaning up dog poop from The Grass or whatever the hell they're going next to gather about next.

Perhaps, our esteemed blogger has also forgotten in his drunken state that we were the same Longhorns team that gave up over 400 total yards to Arkansas State. Or that our entire offensive line was injured, our secondary from last year are all now playing on Sundays, or that our quarterback has taken way too many blows to the head in his second year at the helm, and frankly, it shows. Maybe he forgot that we struggled with a decrepit Nebraska squad, had to storm back against a mediocre Oklahoma State team, lost to a bowl-less K-State squad or struggled on the road against a Conference USA opponent.

Translation: We weren't that good to begin with, and going on the road to face a squad that treats this game like it's bigger than life or death, wasn't helping us. What I said wasn't going to change the obvious facts. And they were obvious facts.

But in the spirit of what our esteemed blogger speaks of, I'll attempt to be fair. If the Aggies can abide by these 10 things, I will no longer speak ill of our brethren to the east.

1. Stop claiming that a border collie is the head of your alleged military. 2. Stop trying to pick a fight with Texas Tech University. No, seriously stop doing that. Was picking a fight with t.u. just not good enough for you? In their media guide, the Aggies referred to Lubbock as an ugly, dusty town with a couple of train tracks. College Station, you're kidding about that, right? Have you seen College Station? Admittedly, Lubbock is not an attractive city, but comparatively speaking, the Hub City is Clooney to your Buscemi. 3. Please play every game the same way you play the Longhorns. In other words, please attempt to play every game without a lackadaiscal, middle-of-the-road approach that has made you a 7-5 team no matter whether it's R.C, Coach Fran, Sherrill or an NFL retread coaching you.4. I'm all for chants, but stop your grabbing nuts and bending over while doing them. The only person besides Aggies that grabs their crotch on a routine basis is Michael Jackson and we all know how well-adjusted he is.5. Please put another bar in town. It's very hard for 40,000 students plus the locals to drink at only three spots. Drinking in College Station is like going to an overcrowded Brazilian soccer stadium. It's filled way beyond the point of capacity, filled with zealots, weird chants and the off-chance that the homemade moonshine available for swilling might make one go blind. 6. There are articles of clothing available to the rest of the world that are made in colors other than khaki and maroon. Please attempt to familarize yourself with them. 7. Please stop telling the rest of the outside world, "Well, you don't understand our traditions b/c you're not an Aggie." No, we don't understand your traditions b/c they're friggin' weird, and make your academic institution look like a 2nd-rate version of Jonestown.8. I know it's been covered before in other places, but no really, stop making out on the sidelines after every touchdown. Farm animals kissing is only cute when it's posted on the Photos of the Week section of Yahoo.9. Please make sure your Science and Technology departments are doing something more useful than developing maroon carrots. Please instead make sure they are using their time and intelligence for something more useful, like...I dunno...cancer research or something like that.

And finally...

10. Please have the Texas A&M president write a formal apology to the parents of the deceased in the 1999 Bonfire Tragedy. Please stop any Bonfire-related activities, renegade or otherwise, permanently. Please also issue a statement that any students caught participating in such activities will be suspended immediately and for one full year (Fall and Spring semesters) afterwards. Please include in your statement that Texas A&M University has learned from such tragedies and vows never to repeat such acts in the future.

If the Aggies can do all ten of those things, then you shall never hear from me ever again regarding this subject. But since I expect the Aggies to start mending their ways on about the 5th of Never, you can fully expect me to pile on when appropriate, point out the obvious when necessary, and to never back down from denigrating the continued stupidity of an institution that just doesn't know when to stop and reassess its otherwise pointless activities.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go pound a bottle of Oban 18-year. I don't drink mediocre scotch.