Issue #66, 20 February 1997

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #66 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! The temperature in western Wisconsin at
this moment is 40 degrees! If there wasn't so much snow on the ground,
you'd think it was April.
melvan is proud to announce that she is now free to tell as many Iowa
jokes as she wants to, since her aunt who lived there moved to another
state.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
STARRING:
Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy
That's right. We have procrastinated yet again and left out ATTB. But
next week we WILL have an episode. Also, if anyone would like to try
writing an episode themselves, do it, send it to us, and if we like it,
we'll use it.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= URGENT FME NEWS =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There are two Q-tips sitting on melvan's desk.
We don't know if there's any news this week because it's not "this week"
yet. We're writing this a week ahead of time. Wow, we're soooooooooo
organized. (eener cuts in: ORGANIZED???!! Aaaah!! I'm definitely not
organized. I sometimes wish I was more organized like melvan, who even
has her sock drawer organized by color...er....just kidding.)
wutg.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Wise Sage =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
*** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com
Dear Wise Sage,
Is it possible to become addicted to Duct Tape? And if it is....Is there
a cure for the addiction?
Stuck in Atlanta
Dear Stuck,
Addicted to duct tape? Yes, yes...it is a very common affliction in
today's society. While I was driving home from work, a talk radio guy
told a story about a race car driver who repaired his car with duct tape.
My guess is the driver was addicted. Are you addicted? Here are a few
tell-tale signs....
1. You start to pile spare rolls of duct tape around your abode, for
example on your shelves or on top of the tv.
2. When something gets broken, the first thing you reach for is that
lovely roll of silver tape.
3. You have dreams involving duct tape in some way.
4. Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
As for a cure...none has been discovered yet.
Wise Sage
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net
Moronic
-------
To the tune of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette
Inspired by melvan
An old man eating piles of hay
Turned real green and died the next day
It's like eating black flies mixed with Chardonnay
It's a bologni sandwich turned a mottled gray
Isn't it moronic, don't you think?
Like singing rain with three syllables
A free ride to where you don't wanna go
That bad advice, you just had to take
You should have thought, cuz it figures
Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly
Until one day he thought he'd give it a try
The problem is, he forgot to note
He didn't have wings..."Splat" was his final quote
And wasn't he moronic, don't you think?
Chorus
Well stoopidity has a way of sneaking up on you
Just when you think you're pretty sharp and OK
And you think you're doing something right
Yeah, stoopidity has a funny way of making you look dumb
When everything goes wrong and then it all just blows up in your face
A traffic jam you caused while you were late
A no smoking sign on a barbecue display
It's like 10000 moons above the earth tonight
Meeting the man of your dreams... then realizing he's someone's wife
Now isn't THAT moronic, don't you think??? A little too moronic... yeah,
I really do think!
Chorus
Stoopidity has a way of sneaking up on you
Stoopidity has a funny, funny way of helping you out...
To look like a lout
Comment from a reader:
IN GRATITUDE FOR YOUR GENEROUS DELIVERY OF OUR WEEKLY SUBSCRIPTION...GTPM
(this actually stands for george the pepsi man) WOULD LIKE TO OFFER THE
FOLLOWING JOKE:
SO THERE WERE TWO DUCKS IN A BATHTUB....ONE SAID TO THE OTHER..."HEY,
PASS ME THE SOAP" AND THE OTHER ONE SAID..."WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM?...CHOCOLATE ICECREAM?"
-----------
The following is what my husband hears when his family wants his
attention...anonymos (it was amazing to find it embeded in eener's poem!
Scritch...scratch
Hum hummm...
whine...
Fuzzzzzzz....
Fuzzzzz....
Whine....
"It is...."
Hummm...
Scritchh...
Whine....
Another comment from a reader...
The national organization know as S.E.T.I. (Search for anEone using ducT
tape in an Interresting manor, not to be confused with the more-widely
known 'S.E.T.I': the 'Search for Extra Tasty Intelligence'), may have
issued this official advisory at some point:
Someone is making music with duct tape. That's right, there's a guy who's
both a woodsmith and a musician. His name is Woody Phillips (yes,
really.), and my friend got a Woody Phillips CD for Christmas, featuring
all your favorite Christmas tunes all performed with various woodshop
things (eg: tuned 2x4's, pnuematic nailer, etc..). The man actually uses
duct tape in a few songs.
Thought I should alert you.
-S
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Coffee
---------
Steaming
Aromatic
Hot
Dark
Rich
Creamy
Coffee
Caffeinated
Beverage
of the morning
Brewing in
the coffee pot
Why do I like
my java?
I'll give you
three
good reasons...
Caffeine
Caffeine
Caffeine
eener
Skipper thinks back
-------------------
The old man
sat on a rock
by the edge
of the lake.
Staring
across the vast
expanse of water
his mind wandered
back to the days
of his youth.
"What should I have done
differently?"
he asked himself.
"Nothing"
he replied.
If I could go back
in time
I wouldn't change a
thing.
Except for one.
I wouldn't have
picked Gilligan
as my first mate.
eener
----
The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at
http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/
This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.