Saturday, October 30, 2010

This week's episode starts with Camille Grammar panting, stretching, and making ball jokes to her (extremely handsome) tennis partner. Gross. We get it Camille. You are blond, sexy, and married to a dinosaur of a sitcom star Kelsey Grammar. We.Get.It.

Cut to Lisa strolling through the kitchen of Villa Blanca in her studded Louboutins and greeting everyone by name. This seems a world apart from my experience working in a restaurant, in which the sweaty Israeli owner was usually yelling at me and calling me Ashley. To each their own!

Then (surprise!) all of the Housewives (and husbands) head to Vegas for the weekend. (Don't they do this a lot on RHO Orange County as well?) Adrienne, owning the Palms and all, gets all of the couples a kick ass room with amazing views of the city.

Then we cut to Kim. Poor, lonely Kim wandering aimlessly through the hotel suite and wishing out loud that she had someone to share it with. Hey Kim? There are worse things than being single. Like being married to Taylor's bald, awkward husband.

P-E-R-S-P-E-C-T-I-V-E.

Moving on to dinner, Taylor explains to the group that she pursued bald, awkward Russell for three months before he would go out with her. Based on the amount of people coughing in their napkins to avoid laughing, I would start lying about this part of the story. Maybe say you met on eharmony? Apparently money can buy you big ol lip injections but not a husband with a personality full head of hair.

Then we cut to Camille's Hair Flipping Extravaganza 2010. (We get it, Camille. We. Get. It.) She also makes a big show of saying she doesn't drink, then orders tequila shots with the husbands at 9:03 am. Rock on, sister! But don't wonder why women don't want to be friends with you.

Off-camera, Kyle and Camille apparently have a "misunderstanding" in which Kyle is asking questions and Camille is acting like a dumb ass. Since it wasn't caught on camera, I can't say that I really care. Supposedly we see the the way this "forever alters their relationship" in episodes to come. Yawn.

Until next week, may your Vuitton steamer trunks remain unscathed as you retrieve them from baggage claim...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I meant to post this on Tuesday, but my Teach for America application, grad school work, and need for sleep took preference. I apologize and assure you I'm still fully devoted to Real Housewives of every city.

Here's why I like RHOATL: They trashy, they aren't really rich, and they rarely know what they're talking about. While many would be disheartened that people so shallow and insignificant get millions of viewers an episode, I'm much less cerebral about the whole thing. Let's get some popcorn and see who pulls Kim's poufy white girl wig this week! (Seriously, though. Is it just me or do they get larger every episode? Chill out homegirl.)

Sheree, formerly my least favorite, has now become a one-woman quote factory in her interviews. Plus, did anyone notice her "Who Gonna Check Me, Boo?" workout shirt? It's already on my Christmas list. Some of the best quotes from Sheree:

In regards to NeNe's plastic surgery: "If I had plastic surgery everytime I had marital problems, I'd look like Dwight."

In regards to NeNe's plastic surgery pt. II: "I'm all real. But now if I started doing the dishes? That would be fake."

Most of this season seems to be devoted to the Black Tammy Faye Baker Phaedra, who never got the memo that maybe a "high-powered entertainment lawyer" shouldn't wear frosted eyeshadow halfway up one's forehead.

But the woman knows how to throw one heck of a baby shower! Weird interpretive dancing, a waltz with a gay man, white roses in her hair that seemed to have no rhyme or reason...what better way to celebrate a new life joining us on earth? The other Housewives seemed equally appreciative, "Just stab me in the neck and put me out of my misery,", "Keep drinking and it will be alright".

Always the wise sage of the group, Kim offered this advice during the interpretive dancing: "Sit in a f--king rocking chair, open your gifts, eat some cake, and call it a day...even if you're having a girl, this s**t doesn't make sense."

Ah yes, but if it made sense it would be Real Housewives of Atlanta. I leave you with this gem of Kim Zolciak's melodic genuis:

P.S. I subbed spinach for the arugula, because I'm poor cheap and already had it in my fridge.

Onto Act II of my wild evening, where I catch up on my Tivo: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Cougar Town, and Modern Family. My 9pm bedtime narcolepsy refuses to allow me to see any of these shows at their original air times, and I'll need to be able to make conversation about these pillars of popular culture when I eventually decide to rejoin society.

Act III includes finishing my book (for book club!), a cup of tea, and slumber before my friends are even slipping on their stilettos for the night.

So I’ll never be labeled a party animal. Whatever. By the end of the week, I need a break from little people touching me, talking to me, and stepping on my feet. A bar is the last place I want to be. But my bar ban only last for the next 24 hours or less. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow night, Charlotte.

But onto a more pressing worry that I've been experiencing lately. I've been insatiably hungry the past week or so, and figure it must be one of two possibilities:

1) I'm headed down Obesity Highway

2) I'm losing weight so rapidly from calorie reduction that Sports Illustrated is considering me for their next swimsuit issue.

I hope it's choice (2) but have a sneaking suspicion it's actually (1). This is based on highly scientific evidence I've gathered, in which everyday I eat: a full breakfast, a snack, my students' snack, my lunch, their lunch, something when I get home, some of roomie's dinner, dessert, and a glass of wine. (What? I have to take the edge off all of that eating. And spending all day with children.)

Plus, my pants are tight and I hate every picture that is taken of me from the neck down. Sometimes the neck up, as well. Water weight, anyone?

Any thoughts? (By that I mean "feel free to leave comments and tell me that I am skinny. Otherwise, keep your trap shut.)