The Lamest People in the Lineup

The Seven Lamest People in the Lineup

by Rebecca Parsons

For better or worse, every lineup is home to a variety of board types, shapes and sizes, and board riders of different experience levels, sizes, statures and personalities. Many of us can attest to the amazing people watersports attract and have stories of lifelong friends made on the water. But unfortunately, the lineup is also home to some not so splendid people. The following list features seven of the absolute worst people you'll meet in the lineup. Hopefully, you're not one of them.

The Agro Shortboarder
This guy thinks just because his craft is smaller and has been around longer than yours, he is more deserving of waves. He hated you before you ever paddled out and he's making sure you know it every chance he gets. About to score the wave of the day? Not if he can help it.

The Territorial LocalThis character has been surfing the same break at the same time every day for years and now feels that she owns it. Never mind the handful of other surfers that call the break their home; it's all hers. You're from out of town? Then you might as well get lost, because this entitled surfer is going to give you an earful just because she doesn’t recognize you.

The GromtourageEvery town has a break that the groms flock to. Make the mistake of trying to surf there before 8 a.m. or after 3 p.m. and you'll be greeted by an assortment of tiny boards and neon neoprene. Paddling into the assembly, you'll realize your wave count is dependent on a lineup riddled with raging hormones and deficient in common surf etiquette. We love kids, but these groms make your surfing feel like child's play. The phrase "saved by the bell" never rings so true as when first period finally quells the chaos.

The Chatty Cathy
We're all about being social and making friends out in the lineup, but sometimes SUP surfing can be a more personal endeavor. Sometimes, we're just in the mood to go it alone. No matter what your mood, one character you’re bound to find in every crowded lineup is the guy (or girl) who just won't shut up. And since paddlers are generally cordial people, we're prone to more than our share of earfuls. You paddled out to session hard or break away from life's noise. But here you are thirty minutes later and your wave count is still zero. Hey, at least you know his life story.

The Snake
Ahhhh, the snake. We've all encountered them, we all dislike them. Forget rules and etiquette, this surfer has no problem dropping in and taking your waves, or back-paddling into the pocket behind you and promptly hooting you off. It'd be one thing if he did it once by accident, but he's now dropped in on you and every other guy in the lineup, multiple times. This aggression will not stand, man!

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The BeginnerYou know it's not their fault and everyone's got to start somewhere, but couldn't they start somewhere else? They've crashed into you a handful of times now and although they've apologized profusely, it's still annoying. Lucky for you, this paddler is almost always riding a foamy.

The CompetitorSure, she's your friend, but does everything have to be a competition? Every set turns into a paddle battle, she's keeping track of your wave count (she's up by the way), and she's the first to point out what you did wrong on your last cutback. What happened to the good ol’ days when you simply paddled for fun?