Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3509

Tee Shot
A guy is standing over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and figuring out the wind direction and speed. He's driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" Glenn D.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3511

Avoid Saying These
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fata**! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." Raffy P.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3512

Healing Jesus
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!" Henry H.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3514

Lawyer Logic
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is living in a shabby little apartment, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Ummm...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, cannot hold a steady job?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister is a single mother with three children to raise?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:
"--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!" Alex R.

Friday

Joke
N°
3516

Bless You
A man and a woman are riding next to each other on a plan in first class. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isnâ€™t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He canâ€™t believe that heâ€™s seeing what heâ€™s seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times youâ€™ve sneezed, and three times youâ€™ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?"
"Iâ€™m sorry to have disturbed you, sir," she replies. "I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, Iâ€™m sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, "Pepper." Terry M.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3519

Cat Clock
A man was walking down the street and spotted another man with a cat in his hands, so he walked up to him and asked him why he had the cat in his hands, to which the second man replied, "To tell time."
He, of course, didn't believe him and asked him to prove it. So, the second man squeezed the cat, it schreeched and a guy across the street yelled, "Would you shut that cat up? It's one o' clock in the morning!" Tim

Sunday

Joke
N°
3521

Blonde's Car Ride
A guy and his blonde girlfriend were driving to the movies one night for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed that his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all.
As he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to stick her head out the window to tell him if his turn signal was working. She happily obliged and at the turn she stuck her head out the window and replied, "It is...It isn't....It is.....It isn't....It is....It isn't."
Donnie