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Prof's Dad's Day advice: Enjoy the wild ride

Jared Durtschi, an assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at Kansas State University, has two sons Tyler, 6, and Brady, 4, and a daughter, Ellie, 2.

Jared Durtschi, an assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at Kansas State University, enjoys spending time with his wife, Angela, 32, sons Tyler, 6, and Brady, 4, and his daughter, Ellie, 2.

Jared Durtschi, an assistant professor of marraige and family therapy at Kansas State University, enjoys spending time with his wife, Angela, 32, sons Tyler, 6, and Brady, 4, and his daughter, Ellie, 2.

Jared Durtschi — who happens to be a father of three, as well as a marriage and family therapist at Kansas State University — has some advice to share in time for Father’s Day.

“Having a child is more of everything,” he said. “It is more happiness. It is more joy and more laughter. But it is also more work, more diapers and more time.”

Durtschi, 33, became a father for the first time at age 27.

“I’m very proud of my kids,” he said.

Tyler came into the world six years ago.

“He is such a wonderful, sweet little boy,” Durtschi said. “But that sweet boy would not sleep unless we were holding him. We were both completely exhausted the first 12 months. It was complete sleep deprivation.”

Fatherhood can be a difficult life transition, Durtschi said. Statistics aren’t always in a father’s favor.

“It is widely documented that on average, couples’ relationship quality declines at a steeper rate when they have kids compared to couples who don’t have kids,” Durtschi said in a K-State news release.

The biggest decline occurs in the first 12 months after birth, when first-time parents are adjusting to having a baby, the release states. After two years, the relationship quality between parents begins to look more similar to the relationship quality between nonparents because the couple has adjusted to children and parental demands decrease.

Although adjusting to parenthood can be difficult, fatherhood offers many rewards, said Durtschi, who is an assistant professor of marriage and family therapy who studies the transition to parenthood among married couples.

Durtschi and his wife, Angela, had another boy four years ago.

“With Brady, it wasn’t such a shock to the system,” he said.

Their third child, a girl, Ellie, was born two years ago.

“When I left today, she was pushing her dolly around in the stroller with two light sabers,” Durtschi said with a laugh. “She loves to snuggle and hug. She is such an endearing little girl.”

Durtschi said he spends as much time with his children as possible.

“I think a lot of dads miss out on a lot,” he said. “Be super involved. You don’t have to be a secondary parent. Be a full-on parent. Don’t think of yourself as a secondary parent. You can take kids to doctor’s appointments and meetings with teachers.”

In the K-State news release, he offers the following advice for all fathers, especially those experiencing parenthood for the first time:

■ Be a part of pregnancy. A father’s involvement during pregnancy is related to his involvement after the child is born. Fathers can bond with their children during pregnancy by talking to the child or attending prenatal appointments.

■ Have realistic expectations. In general, if expectations about an event are violated, people tend to be less satisfied with the result. The same can hold true for fatherhood. It is important for new fathers to be realistic and flexible in their expectations of parenthood.

■ Practice patience. Durtschi encourages fathers to practice responding to their wives in a kind and gently manner, even when they are very stressed and upset.

■ Be involved. “It’s like parents can start going down different roads if mom’s world becomes her child and dad is not a part of that,” Durtschi said. “Even if the mother is working full time, she is usually the primary caregiver. A good indicator of a mother’s happiness is if she perceives that the father is doing enough child care and housework. For every couple, that is different for what ‘enough’ is.”

■ Have couple time. For first-time parents of an infant, it may not be possible to go on dates as often as they prefer. But it is still possible to do activities together, even if it means bringing the child or talking about the child the whole time.

■ Spend time with your child, no matter the gender. It is an unfortunate statistic, but dads are more likely to spend time with a baby boy than a baby girl.

“It’s really fund to be a dad,” Durtschi said. “We get to decide what kind of parents we want to be from day one. It’s never too late to start building those relationships.”