GRANTS PASS, OR—Scientists have finally discovered the primary cause of global warming: local kid Oliver Paulson, who left the front door wide open dozens of times while the heater was on this past weekend.

Every time the boy runs inside from playing, he leaves the front door open, and it looks like we're all going to pay the price from his carelessness.

"Are we heating the whole neighborhood!?" his father bellowed Saturday afternoon after Paulson dashed inside. Little did his dad know that they were actually heating not only the whole neighborhood, but also the entire world. "Someone around here must have stock in the gas company!" he added, but to no avail. The damage had been done.

Climate scientists estimate the globe will be in turmoil within a few short years, all because little Oliver was apparently "born in a barn."

Experts warned that it may be too late to reverse the damage, but suggested that kids "close the dang door" anyway just in case we can all still be saved from our fiery fate.

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