Every new beer release should feature rollerskating acrobats

When I landed in Burbank, I only had about an hour to get to the roller rink.

Typical opening line, right?

Having just come from a quick weekend at a chilly beach with my family, I knew my shorts and boat shoes were not the right fit for the disco-themed beer release party I was heading to next. As I ducked into the men’s room to change into real clothes, I also realized I had failed to pack any real socks. I only had a single pair of toe socks, and no: I’m not going to explain that to you. So I slid my toe-socked feet into my rather respectable chukkas, and headed out to call a ride.

A short time later, I pulled up to Moonlight Rollerway with my rollerbag luggage in tow. It was time to enter Superfuzz Funk Night, where Elysian Brewing was unveiling its new release: Superfuzz Blood Orange Pale Ale.

Let me get this out of the way: I’m not a fan of fruit-infused beers. I’m not into sours or goses, either (though I will argue with you ardently about how to pronounce gose). This is all to say: I was skeptical.

Elysian Co-Founder Joe Bisacca and friends kept the pints flowing.

As I checked into the event, one of my hosts clued me in on a little secret: there were two beers available tonight. Not only were they serving the new Superfuzz, they were also offering up the Space Dust IPA. And if I asked very nicely, they might let me try the Fuzz Dusters, a half-and-half mixture of the two brews.

I weaved through the brightly-colored crowd, past the roller skate rental counter and the soft pretzel display. Then, I approached the simple two-tap setup where Elysian Co-Founder Joe Bisacca himself was pouring cold pints. Despite my fruit aversion, I decided to start with the unadulterated Blood Orange Pale.

I’m glad I did.

The blood orange flavor was actually quite subtle, serving as more of a backdrop to what is otherwise a hoppy, citrusy, West coast pale ale. I gulped it down and decided this was the best roller-disco I’d ever been to. And it was just getting started.

I'm not a person who should ever have wheels attached to his feet.

That’s when my friend Lindsay arrived and informed me that I needed to finish my beer so we could start skating. Here’s a fact: I’m a terrible roller skater and I abhor the very idea of strapping wheels to my feet to slide around an oval track full of strangers. But you know what? I’m a team player so I drank up and laced up.

I WAS SO AWKWARD OUT THERE. I almost fell over so many times. And even though I did ultimately manage to stay upright, every one of my toes was curling with discomfort inside my toe socks.

Fortunately, it was a short run. I soon retreated to remove the wheels from my feet, then grabbed a sample of the Fuzz Dusters blend, which was bracing and delicious. It was around that time that an announcement was made: it was time for a special performance.

A pair of professional roller skaters named Kim Manning and Trey Knight took the floor. Music started to play. They began to dance. And skate. And dance. And the next thing I knew, Kim had locked her ankles around Trey’s neck while he spun her around at break-neck speed. I cringed in fear and applauded profusely.

Skating wizards Kim Manning and Trey Knight showed us all a thing or two.

Afterwards, I learned that Kim was not only a roller-skating acrobat, but was also a former vocalist for George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars. So I did what anyone who’s currently producing a short film with an outrageous psychedelic party scene would do: I asked her to be in my movie. Which is why I now really need to make sure I have some decent beer on set—so here’s hoping I can snag a keg from Elysian.

Either way: it was a successful evening. And I hope I don’t have to put roller skates on again for another ten years, at least. Oh, the things we do for good beer.