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Christmas hit me with an unprecedented violence this year, and I didn’t have time to set up the buffer I would have liked. I’m taking the rest of the year off, and I’ll be back with more 100% original swears and 100% not original mythology in January. In the meantime, if you really desperately need a distraction from your horrible family, you could always read my books, or check out these other Christmas posts I’ve done over the years:

It’s been called to my attention that I skipped a post this week without an explanation.

This is a post to let you know that there will be no explanation.
Suffice to say something very bad happened, and it’s taken me a few days to get over it.
I am over it now, and there will be a new post on Saturday.
Thank you for your patience.

Here’s a story for you guys:
once upon a time there was a guy who was in grad school
this guy had the audacity
nay
the bold-faced tiger-punching STUPIDITY
to take on two thesis projects due mere weeks apart
this young man found himself on a mystical journey
on which he would learn the true meaning of fatigue
and that yes, you can work twenty hours a day for a whole week
and subsist on nothing but coffee and beef jerky
as long as you don’t mind your body ragequitting while you’re trying to sew a fake moustache onto a webcam

the moral of the story
is that i feel deep down inside myself
that my eyeballs are bleeding and I need to go to bed
and so there is not going to be a myth today
and I am sorry for that

Yeah
sorry
it came down to sleeping or writing a shitty myth
I chose sleeping
with the added caveat that when I wake up there will be great myths
instead of shitty ones
but right now I think I hear a sound that means my hands are falling off
from too much not-sleep or whatever
so I gotta go deal with that
before my imminent lack of hands renders me unable to deal with anything at all

So you may have noticed that recently I have been getting lazy. I have been missing days when I would usually update, and the normally sparkling quality of my prose has become degraded.

Here is what’s up: I am tired.

I’m not gonna bitch on and on about it, because honestly this whole site is an incredibly sweet deal as far as I am concerned, and y’all are phenomenal/slightly deranged for continuing to indulge me. But the fact remains that I’m tired, and I’m taking a break.

But the internet is a voracious sarlaag when it comes to entertainment, and I am not so foolish as to go radio silent for a full month and a half. (that’s how long I’ll be gone for. I’m fucking off to a farm for a while) So here’s what I’m gonna do: Last semester in school I made a bunch of comics, so I’m gonna set the site up to post those, three times a week, from now until August 23rd.

ABOUT THESE COMICS: These comics have nothing to do with mythology. They aren’t comedy, either. The art is kinda dodgy, because I generally use my hands for writing and not pictures, but I wouldn’t be posting these if I didn’t think you’d get a kick out of them. I’m actually pretty proud of them. By the time I get back, there will be three stories up. The first one is 4 pages and is about what happens when you accidentally crawl out of your own chest in the middle of a dream. The second one is an eight-page story about a boy, his canteen, and the Afghani opium trade. The third one is a twelve-pager about a traveling salesman who peddles madness.

If this all pisses you off and you hate the comics, that’s okay. You can come back in late August, when I will be back with more tales of gods and the wacky things they try to put in each others’ butts. And in the meantime, there’s over 350 myths for you to look at. And there’s that book that’ll be coming out in March. What I’m saying is deal with it. So without Further ado, here’s the cover of that first story I mentioned, which is called:
The story will begin on Thursday. Hope you enjoy it!

after I run out of shirts this time around
(and I’m pretty close to doing that)
I will not be selling the Norse Crisis Flowchart shirt anymore
at least not in the foreseeable future.
Here’s why:
first of all, I’m going to be sequestering myself on a farm from the beginning of July through late August. A farm is not the ideal place for making/selling shirts my friends, and this is a fact.
second, after a fiasco with paypal, involving an order that got put off during finals week, then cancelled, then reordered, then put off again, my account is now in trouble, and one more misstep could mean deactivation or at least something gnarly. I don’t want to deal with that right now.
Third, I’m just plain tired of making these shirts right now! If someone was making them for me, that would be different, but I’ve had enough of running to my studio every week to screenprint and keep up with the orders and stuff envelopes and mail these bastards.

Hey guys
did you read the title?
Yeah, that’s what this post is about.
Not much else to say except to perhaps tell you that this week
I learned that you cannot survive indefinitely on five hour energy and poptarts
I also learned that you have to be over 18 to buy five-hour energy shots
which
i dunno
that’s pretty scary
it’s hard for me to expend much mental energy worrying about it though
because right now about a hundred percent of my brain
is devoted to yelling GO TO SLEEP real real loud
so I figure
it’s prolly better not to waste your time with a shitty myth
when what I really need to be doing
is recovering from this clusterfuck
sorry
goodnight
i love you etc.

no myth today guysI am sorry I am so sorryif you could see me you would see that I am throwing myself against my hardwood floorrending my breast and smearing my face with ashmy excuse is that last night I played a game of my own inventioncalled let’s see how long I can not sleep so I can finish this short story for classthe good news is I won the gamebut that is not the only good news my friendsno no no

see recently I have been laughing my fucking ass offbecause all these people have been being like DUDE YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOKI WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT BOOKand the whole time people have been yelling that at meI have totally been negotiating a book deal with the ladies and dudes over at Perigee Booksand right now I am holding the contract in my handswell I mean not right now right now because I need my hands to typebut the contract is definitely nearbysometimes I look at it and I lick my lips

so here’s how this is gonna go downthis book is gonna have approximately 75-80 of the choicest myths from this website,digitaly remastered with my veteran typing fingers plus like 25-30 brand new never before seen ultramythsand also bonus contentin the form of a sweet funky indexRetellings of Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with a Thousand Faces” and The Big Bangand optimally rad illustrations by artiste extraordinaire Sarah Melvillewho is the classy lady who is responsible for anything on this website that doesn’t look like utter shit

but one more thingand I guess this kind of qualifies as bad newscause see in order to have time to make this book and still do grad school and shitI am going to be TEMPORARILY going from 3 updates a week down to 2instead of being Tuesday Thursday Saturday like normalit is going to be just Tuesday/Thursday(this week it will be thursday saturday though because I wussed out today)I am very very tired and I need a little bit of a breakat least as much of a break as a guy can take while writing a book and going to grad schoolbut I assure you, ladies and gentlementhis new wussified schedule will NOT LAST BEYOND APRIL 2012which is when the manuscript is dueand maybe less time than that depending on my progress on the bookanyway yeah that’s what’s upI figured i should give you guys a heads upso that you could reschedule your entire lives around my new update scheduleso uhget on that

PS you guys are pretty much the best evergetting emails from you and reading comments and all thatand really just knowing that this wacky bullshit I spew is getting readis responsible for like 80% of my daily value of sunshine and unicorn smilesso basically thank you for putting up with methere will be more boners and swears on Thursday I promise

I have been occupying Chicago for the better part of the last 48 hours(actually more like two months but you know what I mean)and while I have done the reading necessary to do the next Jesus videoI have not actually been at my computer long enough to record oneand I have slept even less than I have been at my computer.I hope to record the next video on the street tomorrow in front of the fedand you can enjoy wacky jesus hijinks then(also this will not effect regular posts, I promise)meanwhilewhat the fuck are you guys doing reading this shit?GET OUT THERE AND OCCUPY SOME SHIT.

Every time i try to open Youtube in any browser my browser crashes.I will have to wait until tomorrow to upload the videoonce I find someplace where the internet is not constantly being shat into by evil gnomesI am so tired i feel like hypnos is huffing my cerebellumI have to work a twelve hour shift that combines plumbing and foodservice in the morningI feel like i may be in graduate school but it’s hard to tell under all this furious dripping hatredbut other than that things are pretty goodI found a quarter todayand i got to eat a lot of free pizzawhenever i see a homeless man on the street nowI think “there but for the grace of free pizza go I”I need to go away from the computer now before my eyes come out