1 The Finest Natural Pun I've Ever Seen
Courtesy of Anne McCaffrey in ‘Pegasus In Space’ (and I was the first person IN THE WORLD to notice this: even AMcC didn't spot it, and she wrote the book): -
Ludmilla Barchenka, construction manager, failed in her attempted mutiny aboard the orbiting space platform later known as the Padrugoi Independent Space Station. The attempt was foiled because of of the morality and strength of character of those ranged against her (the good guys) and she never really stood a chance.

In other words...
She got caught trying to take the P.I.S.S.

2 Phallic Symbol
Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy.
When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted, ‘Wait, what is a phallic symbol?’
‘A phallic symbol,’ explained Hardy, ‘represents the phallus.’
‘What's a phallus?’ asked Camilla.
‘Well,’ said the analyst, ‘the best way to explain it is to show you.’
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker.
‘This is a phallus.’
‘Oh,’ said the girl, ‘It's like a prick, only smaller.’

3 Hockey Fanatics
Four hockey fans are mountain climbing.
Each climber happens to be a rabid fan of a different NHL team.
As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular team. Finally, as they reach the summit, the climber from Detroit takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain, yelling, ‘This is for the Detroit Red Wings.’
Not wanting to be outdone, the climber from St. Louis throws himself off the mountain, shouting,
‘This is for the St. Louis Blues.’
Seeing this, the Ottawa climber walks to the edge and yells,
‘This is for hockey fans everywhere!’
He then pushes the fan from Toronto off.

4 Dumb Quotes
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: ‘My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.’

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G. M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: ‘I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.’

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: ‘He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.’

5 Saving A Life Redneck Style
Two red necks were sitting at the bar when one noticed a woman choking on her hamburger.
The red neck cuts off his friend and rushes to her aid. When asking her if she can breathe, she shakes her head, ‘no.’
He immediately pulls her out of her seat, yanks up her dress, and licks her rear. In shock, the woman is able to spit up the hamburger, and breathe. When the man rejoins his friend at the bar, his friend asks ‘what that was all about.’ The red neck looks up and says ‘It’s the Hinny-lick, it works every time!’

6 The Last Rocker Joke
John Rocker returned to New York this week where he was subjected to booing, but no physical violence. Before his first game on Thursday he issued a statement apologizing for all the hoopla surrounding his comments, reminding the Mets fans that it has deterred their attention from an incredible Braves season.

7 The Therapist
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed, ‘Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.’
‘What's the problem?’ the doctor inquired.
‘Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.’
‘My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.’
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
‘Did my advice not work?’ asked the doctor.
‘It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.’
‘So, what's your problem?’
‘I don't have a problem,’ the man replied. ‘My wife does.’

8 No Pets Allowed
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, ‘No pets allowed.’
The man replied, ‘This is a special dog. Turn on the Eagle's game and you'll see.’
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.
The guy says, ‘Watch. Whenever the Eagle's score, my dog does flips.’
The Eagle's keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. ‘Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there! What happens when the Eagle's score a touchdown?’
The man replied, ‘I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!’

9 Wonder Pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, ‘Here's a pill for English literature.’
The student swallows the pill and has new knowledge about English literature!
Impressed, he asks, ‘What else do you have?’
‘Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,’ replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, ‘Do you have a pill for math?’
The pharmacist says, ‘Wait just a moment.’ He goes back into the storeroom and returns with a whopper of a pill that he plunks on the counter.
‘I have to take that huge pill for math?’ inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, ‘Well, you know--math always was a little hard to swallow.’

10 The Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says, ‘I'm going to become a lion tamer.’
The other replies, ‘That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.’
‘Yes I do!’
‘Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what're you gonna do?’
‘Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.’
‘Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?’
‘Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.’
‘Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?’
‘Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.’
‘Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?’
‘Well, then I pick up some of the crap that's on the floor of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.’
‘Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?’
‘Well, that's dumb.’
‘Why?’
‘Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work... There's going to be some Crap on the floor of that cage, You Can Bet On That!’

11 Miller Time
Dennis Miller, the witty comedian who made his name on Saturday Night Live and later his own show is now a sportscaster, joining the ABC Monday Night Football analysis squad. When asked if he liked sports or not he replied, ‘I'm not a fan of football, but I am a fan of million dollar pay checks and one day working weeks.’

12 Chat Room
A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chat room. The first guy asks, ‘What state are you from?’ While at the same time the second guy asks, ‘What do you do for a living?’
To satisfy them both, She replies, ‘Idaho.’

13 Lost
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
‘ The woman below replied, ‘You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’
‘You must be an engineer,’ said the balloonist.
‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.’
The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.’

14 Memories
Max was telling his son about his days as a prize-fighter.
‘The bell rang and we met in the centre of the ring. I threw a left hook, and he got me with a right cross. It was brutal.’
The son was proud of his father's courage.
‘Then in the second round I took a couple of shots, but held my ground.
By the third round I had my opponent worried.’
‘Did you really?’ his son asked.
‘You bet I did. He thought that he had killed me.’

15 Reward
One day a King called in all the towns' people to his castle and said, ‘Who ever will swim across this moat and back (which was full of alligators) can have one of two rewards: A chest full of gold or my beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.’
All of a sudden he saw a man dart across the moat and back just like an arrow without getting a single scratch on him.
‘Which do you want, the chest full of gold?’ asked the King.
No,’ said the man.
‘So you want my daughter's hand in marriage.
‘No,’ replied the man.
‘Well, said the king if you don't want that either what do you want?’
‘I want the name of the man who pushed me in the water!’

16 Newlyweds-1
A young couple was married and celebrated their first night together by doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, ‘What's that?’ pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, ‘Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.’
And she, in amazement, asked, ‘Is that all we have left?’

17 Newlyweds-2
A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.
The husband knocked on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside responded.
The old man asked, ‘Are you young folks all right?’
‘Yes, we're fine,’ the husband answered. We're living on the fruits of love.’
The old man replied, ‘I kinda figured that. Say... Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
They're choking my ducks!’

18 Three Women On An Island
Three women are stranded on an island. One woman tripped over something. She looks down and sees a lamp. The girls rub the lamp and to their astonishment, a Genie pops out.
‘I will grant you 3 wishes, but since there of three of you, you will each get one wish.’
The first girl says, ‘I want to be strong enough to swim to shore.’ The Genie snapped his fingers, and the girl set out.
Not 15 feet off the island, a shark came and ate her.
The second girl says, ‘I want to be skilled enough to create something that will get me off the island.’
With that, the Genie snapped his fingers, giving the girl some logs and string, and she made a raft and set out.
When she was 15 feet off shore, the tide grew strong, and the raft capsized, killing her.
The third girl thought long and hard, when finally she came up with her wish. ‘I wish to be smart enough to find a way off the island.’
The Genie snapped his fingers and she turned into a man and took the bridge.

19 Which Bus?
A drunk gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says ‘I've got news for you, you're going straight to hell!’
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ‘Damn, I'm on the wrong bus!’

20 Diet
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ‘I haven't eaten anything in four days.’
She looked at him and said, ‘God, I wish I had your will power.’

21 How many...?
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

22 Two Little Boys
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine and one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and takes it to the checkout. The cashier asks ‘Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?’
The nine-year old replies, ‘Nope, not for my mom.’
Without thinking, the cashier responded, ‘Well, they must be for your sister then?’
The nine year old responded, ‘Nope, not for my sister either.’
The cashier had now become curious.
‘Oh! Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?’
The nine year old says, ‘They're for my four year old little brother.’
The cashier is surprised.
‘Your four year old little brother?’
The nine year old explains, ‘Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!’

23 Whole-Wheat Bread
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
Elmer says, ‘Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!’
Leon replies, ‘You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?’
To which Elmer said, ‘Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!’
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, ‘May I help you?’
‘Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please,’ said Leon.
‘That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!’ the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, ‘Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?’

24 Hunting Accident
Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidentally shot his friend.
At the hospital the friend underwent hours of emergency surgery as the doctors tried to save him.
The doctors were working in shifts, and one was taking his break. He walked by the waiting room where the shooter spotted him. The shooter approached the doctor and asked if his friend would be okay.
The doctor looked at him and said, ‘Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.’

25 Torn Ligaments
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, ‘Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.’
Josh, ‘Gee, I never knew you played hockey.’
Andy, ‘No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television.’

26 The Psychic Hotline
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: ‘You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.’
The frog is thrilled, ‘This is great! Will I meet her at a party?’
‘No,’ says his Advisor, ‘in her biology class.’

27 The Little Hero
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when a rabid Rottweiler attacks one.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
‘Young Fourty-Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,’ he starts writing in his notebook.
‘But I'm not a ‘Niners' fan,’ the little hero replied.
‘Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were,’ said the reporter and starts again.
‘Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack’ he continued writing in his notebook.
‘I'm not a Raiders' fan either,’ the boy said.
‘I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the ‘Niners' or Raiders.
What team do you root for?’ the reporter asked.
‘I'm a Cowboys' fan,’ the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, ‘Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.’

28 Wilt The Stilt
Wilt Chamberlain's ball was sold for $551,000. This is highest dollar amount involved with Chamberlain's balls since his last paternity suit.

29 Baseball In Heaven
Two men were very fond of baseball. They would go to every game they could find. One's name was Larry and the other one Earl. One day Larry died in a car accident while he was on his way to a baseball game.
He came to visit Earl the next night in a dream.
Earl asked Larry if Heaven was very good. Larry said that it was better than being on Earth.
Earl wanted to know if there was baseball in Heaven.
Larry said, ‘Well, I have good news and bad news for you.’
Earl wanted to know, ‘What's the good news?’
‘Well, Earl, yes there is baseball in Heaven-but the bad news is you are pitching tomorrow night.’

30 Old Wisdom
Undertakers can bury their mistakes;
Coaches still have theirs on scholarships;
Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot;
Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.

31 Take Me Out To Ball Game
Take me out to the ball game
Take me out with the crowd.
Pay 20 bucks for a beer and cracker jacks
Stand in line at the toilets
I don't think I'll ever get back
To root, root, root for the home team
The demands of the free agent are a shame
Because it's 10, 20, 30 million they want
Just to play the old ball game.

32 Mikes Mess Up
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up.
After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke.
The prostitute said ‘Well Mike, how's it all going?’
‘How's it all going?’ he asked. ‘My life's a disaster.
I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money.
Nothing could make my life any worse.’
‘Oh, that's so sad’ the prostitute said.
‘I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!’

33 In the Dog House
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, ‘You can't bring that dog in here.’
‘You don't understand,’ says the man. ‘This is no regular dog, he can talk.’
‘Listen, pal,’ says the bartender. ‘If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.’
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, ‘What's on top of a house?’
‘Roof!’
‘Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?’
‘Bark!’
‘And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?’
‘Ruth!’
‘I guess you've heard enough,’ says the man. ‘I’ll take the hundred in twenties.’
The bartender is furious. ‘Listen, pal,’ he says, ‘get out of here before I belt you.’
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, ‘Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?’

34 A Liberal and a Conservative
Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore. The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout ‘swim for it!’ The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

35 Time for Tyson
This fight in Scotland should be a no-brainer for Tyson, because he's used to hitting people in skirts.
Tyson was asked in a press conference if he had adjusted to cultural differences. He was asked if he could understand the language and the accents.
‘Yes, I understand the Scottish and they know that after the fight my opponent will be kilt.’

36 Only One Kiss
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, ‘I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?’
‘Only one kiss per yard, ‘ replied the smirking male clerk.
‘That's fine,’ replied the girl. ‘I’ll take ten yards.’
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. ‘Grandpa will pay the bill,’ she smiled.

37 Hitch-hiker
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
‘Right, you Jimmy,’ he shouts, ‘Ah want you to masturbate!’
‘But...’ stammers the driver.
‘Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!’
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
‘Right!’ snarls the Highlander ‘Du it agin!’
‘But.....’ says the driver.
‘Now!’
So the driver does it again.
‘Right laddie, du it agin!’ demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
‘Du it again!’ says the Highlander.
‘I can't do it any more! You'll just have to kill me!’ whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
‘All right laddie.’ he says, ‘NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?’

38 Rosebuds
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!!!! The teenager tells her ‘Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!’ and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, ‘Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.’

39 You Idiot!
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, ‘How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?’
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, ‘I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!’

40 Barber Shop
A gay guy walks into a barber shop. He says to the barber, ‘Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?’
The barber replies, ‘Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick...’
That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest.
He says, ‘What the hell is this?’
The other man replies, ‘The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest then hair would grow...’
His partner replies, ‘You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass.’

41 Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ‘Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.’
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, ‘Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.’ That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: ‘That's Strange!’

42 Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, ‘It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?’
The other says, ‘Well, we have a name for it in my family.’
‘What do you call it?’
‘We call it a football wedding.’
The first asks, ‘What's a football wedding?’
The other says, ‘She's waiting for him to kick off!’

43 First Half Injury
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and, at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.
The first play, the elephant was stopped for no gain.
The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.
On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.
The defence huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, ’Who stopped the elephant?’
‘I did,’ said the centipede.
‘Who stopped the rhino?’
‘Uh, that was me too,’ said the centipede.
‘And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?’
‘Well, that was me as well,’ said the centipede.
‘So where were you during the first half?’ demanded the coach.
‘Well,’ said the centipede, ‘I was having my ankles taped.’

44 Attitude Toward Whiskey
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’

45 Two Cows
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, ‘I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.’
The other cow replied, ‘Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks.’

46 Three Theatre Tickets
The young man said to his sweetheart, ’We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theatre tickets.’
The young girl said, ‘Why do we need three tickets?’
‘They’re for your father, mother and kid sister!’

47 Taxidermy
A hunter was visiting another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, ‘When did you bag him?’
The host said, ‘That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.’
‘What's he stuffed with?’ asked the visiting hunter.
‘My wife!’

48 I Say, I Say
Why was the transvestite happy that he was fired?
He always had wanted a pink slip.

49 Big Game Hunt
A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn't find anyone to go with him.
As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along.
The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey.
When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree.
The other man went off to his stand and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.
A few hours had passed so the man went back to check on the drunk.
As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk.
The man yells at the drunk, ‘I told you to keep it quiet!’
The drunk explains, ‘I know, I know... But when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn't make any noise.
Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn't take it any longer when that squirrel came back for his second nut!’

50 A Reworked Classic
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New York Mets fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Mets fans too. Not really knowing what a Mets fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception.
A little boy named Mike has not gone along with the crowd
The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
‘Because I'm not a Mets fan’ he retorts.
‘Then,’ asks the teacher ‘what are you?’
’I'm a proud New York Yankees fan!’ boasts the little boy.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Mike why he is a Yankees fan.
‘Well, my Dad and Mom are Yankees fans, so I'm a Yankees fan too’ he responds.
The teacher is now angry.
‘That's no reason,’ she says loudly.
‘What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?’
Mike says, ‘Then I'd be a Mets fan.’

51 What A Memory!
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
‘What did you do that for?’ asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, ‘That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago.’
The crocodile says, ‘And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory.’
‘Yep,’ says the elephant. ‘I have turtle recall.’

52 Divorce
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the husband behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, ‘Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.’
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
She then says, ‘I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are.’
Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.
‘I want the house,’ she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the husband speeds up, to eighty mph.
She says, ‘I want the car, too,’ but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's up to ninety mph.
‘All right,’ she says, ‘I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.’
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, ‘Isn't there anything you want?’
The husband says, ‘No, I've got everything I need.’
‘Oh, really,’ she says, ‘so what have you got?’
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says, ‘The airbag.’

53 Tough Shot
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, ‘Jack, I've got trouble down here!’
‘What's the matter?’ Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
‘Bring me my wedge,’ Joe shouted. ‘You can't get out of here with an eight iron!’

54 Modesty
A modest young lady had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, ‘If you can read this, you're too damned close’ embroidered on her panties and bra.
‘Yes, madam,’ said the clerk, ‘I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?’
‘ Braille!’ she replied.

55 Just My Luck
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, ‘My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.’
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, ‘Okay, where's my hundred dollars?’
The man said, ‘Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.’
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, ‘Just my luck. How much do I owe you?’

56 Bait Catcher
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

57 Good News and Bad News
Two asparagus were walking down the street when a car hit one of them. He was taken to the hospital.
When the doctor came out he said to the other asparagus, ‘I have good news and bad news, the good news is that your friend died. The bad news is that if your friend had lived he would have remained a vegetable for the rest of his life.’

58 Lassie Come Home
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
‘That's incredible!’ he exclaimed to the man next to him.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents.
They wanted him to be a football player.’

59 Doctor, Doctor
One day an old lady walked into the doctor's office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, ‘I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent and doesn't smell at all.’
The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one everyday and come back in a week. The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better she replied, ‘Well I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!’
The doctor replied, ‘Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing.’

60 Nurse Nancy
Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
‘Why, we just hired her?’
‘Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour.’
The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room.
‘Where are you going in such a hurry?’ the doctor asked.
‘To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!’

61 Mr Potato Head Had 3 Daughters
The first daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato farmer from Maine. Her father was very pleased, and said, ‘Make plenty of french-fries.’
The second daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato farmer from Idaho. Her father was very pleased, and said, ‘Make many good baking potatoes.’
The third daughter came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Her father was very upset that she was marrying a common-tater.

62 Ever Seen One Of These?
In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing.
Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the ‘tip.’
The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk.
At that moment the farmers daughter came in.
With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him
‘Have you never seen one of these before?’ the farmhand asked.
To which the girl replied, ‘Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded!’

63 The Garden Party
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend.
While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, ‘That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!’
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, ‘Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?’

64 Protein Shake
Two jocks were discussing diets and nutrition at the gym.
‘I started using creatine and the pounds came on,’ one jock said.
‘I don't know about all of those shakes and stuff, they taste so bad.’
‘So you don't use them?’ the other jock asked.
‘No, I found a diet that keeps the pounds coming on without a problem.’
‘What is it?’
‘It's starts with cutting the wedding cake.’

65 Busted
Once there were two star Auburn football players that had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game.
So, after a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in.
The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test.
Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big ‘F’ on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation.
She said that they had cheated.
‘Why do say that?’ the coach asked.
The teacher showed him number six.
The coach looked at number six on the first test.
The answer read, ‘I don't know.’
The coach said that it didn't prove anything.
So, the teacher handed him the second test.
The answer read, ‘I don't know either.’

66 Pick-Up Line
I thought I wouldn't stand a chance when I first saw you, but knowing you like 'em small gives me hope again.

67 The Cure
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.’
‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. ‘If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, ‘What did the doctor say?’
‘You're going to die,’ she replied.

68 I Think I'm...
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the ‘upturn.’
‘I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?’ asked the nurse on duty.
‘Yes,’ said the girl. ‘I want to have a 'contamination.'‘
‘You mean 'examination,'‘ the nurse corrected her.
‘Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway.’
‘I'm sure you mean the maternity ward.’
To which the girl replied: ‘Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.’

69 Role Reversal!
A San Francisco man who bit his dog as part of a ‘primal’ training regime has been ordered to stand trial on felony charges of animal cruelty. The man described the bites as part of ‘nature's way’ of dog training then proceeded to perform ‘nature's way’ all over the courtroom carpet.

70 Three Bricks and a Bomb
A helicopter was ordered by the President to go drop three bricks and a bomb on Iraq as a warning of what America will do to Iraq's citizens if Saddam will not get rid of his chemical weapons.
As the helicopter was going to travel to Iraq the hatch of the helicopter was not securely fastened and the 3 bricks and a bomb fell out of the helicopter.
The people in the helicopter were worried about the American citizens that might have been hit by the falling objects. So they went down to see if everyone was ok.
When they went down to check on the people, they discovered a girl crying. The pilot asked, ‘Girl why are you crying?’ The girl answered, ‘Because a brick hit my dad and he died.’
They took care of the girl and saw another young man crying. The asked the young boy why he was crying, and he said a brick hit his mom and she died.
They took care of the boy, and saw a woman crying. The pilot again asked, ‘Woman, why are you crying?’ The woman answered, ‘A brick hit my baby and it died.’ They took care of the woman and moved on.
They came upon another young boy, but this time, the boy was laughing hysterically. The pilot did not understand why the boy would be laughing and asked him why. The boy then answered, ‘I'm laughing because I farted and blew up a building!’

71 Passing Play
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
‘Can you tackle?’ asked the coach.
‘Watch this,’ said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
‘Wow,’ said the coach. ‘I’m impressed. Can you run?’
‘Of course I can run,’ said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
‘Great!’ enthused the coach. ‘But can you pass a football?’
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. ‘Well, sir,’ he said ‘, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.’

72 Bill, Hill And Chelsea
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, ‘Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.’
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. ‘Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She is a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I are afraid you can't marry him.’
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, ‘Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June.’ Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. ‘Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.’
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. ‘Dad has done so much harm.
I guess I'm never going to get married,’ she complained. ‘Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.’ Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father.’

73 Trade Rumours
Mike and George are dressing for the game in the locker room.
Mike looked incredibly nervous.
‘What's the matter?’ asked George. ‘Are you nervous about tonight's game?’
‘No, but I am scared,’ Mike said to George, ‘I got a letter from a guy on the team who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife.’
‘Well,’ replied George, ‘I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife.’
‘Easy for you to say.’
‘You like her that much?’ George said.
‘It's not that,’ declared Mike.
‘What then?’
‘He didn't sign his name.’

74 Gone Fishing
Four married guys went fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.’
Second guy: ‘That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool.’
Third guy: ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her.’
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him.
‘You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?’
Fourth guy: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Fishing, or Sex,’ and she said, ‘Wear a sweater.’

75 The Three Ages Of Man
These are the three stages of a jock's mating rituals:
1. Tri-weekly
2. Try-weekly
3. Try-weakly

76 Valedictorian?
‘He's great on the court,’ a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach.’ But how's his scholastic work?’
‘Why, he makes straight A's,’ replied the coach.
‘Wonderful!’ said the sportswriter.
‘Yes,’ agreed the coach, ‘but his B's are a little crooked.’

77 The Big Fight
Lennox Lewis and Michael Grant weighed in at a combined 497 pounds.
It is the largest fight (weight wise) in history since Rosanne and Tom Arnold's domestic dispute in 1991.

78 2 Guys And A Hole
Two guys were walking down a dirt road when they come upon a hole. They look in it and one said ‘Can you see the bottom?’ The other replies ‘Nope.’ So they start tossing rocks in it to hear how long it takes to hit the bottom. One turns to the other and says ‘We need something bigger.’ They find a cinderblock next to the road and drag it to the hole and chuck it in.
Suddenly there's a commotion behind them and they turn to see a Billy goat charging them. They jump out of the way just in time. The goat misses them and falls into the hole.
‘Did you see that crazy goat?’ one says.
‘Yeah, it tried to kill us.’
They see an old farmer on a tractor in the field and they run over and ask him if he owned a Billy goat.
‘Yes, boys, I sure do,’ he said.
‘Well, we're gonna sue you because that crazy goat of yours tried to kill us!’
‘Yeah. It came charging at us and tried to knock us in a hole!’
The old farmer frowned and said, ‘He charged at you?’
‘Don't sound like my goat, cuz my goat's real old and full of arthritis. Besides I keep him tied to a cinderblock.’

79 Retail-clothing store
A Manager of a retail-clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, ‘For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.’
‘Well Sir,’ the applicant replies, ‘the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!’

80 French Open
There once was a tennis player named Kournikova
For whom many hockey players fought over
There was Bure and Federov
But she was forced to call it off
Coz her mom said ‘You're 18, wait 'til you're older!’

81 Can I Borrow Your Dog?
A man is walking through his neighbourhood when he sees a very strange sight. Going down the road was a huge funeral procession. There were two hearses followed by a man and a pit bull, and then hundreds of male mourners.
The guy's curiosity gets the best of him, and he approaches the procession to find out what's going on. He walks up to the man with the dog and asks what's going on.'
‘In the first hearse is my wife.’
‘I'm sorry to hear that. Who's in the second hearse?’
‘That would be my mother in law.’
‘I'm sorry, but what happened?’
‘I was watching the hockey game and my wife tried to change the channel so this dog attacked her and killed her. Then my mother in law tried to stop the dog and it killed her too.’
‘That's incredible. Can I borrow the dog?’
‘Join the line.’

82 Rest In Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said ‘Rest in Peace.’
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. ‘Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’

83 Sydney Pains
Olympic tickets went on sale at Ticket-master-like outlets but nobody showed up to buy them. The logic; why pay 250 dollars to see NBA stars battle it out with weak competition when you could easily pay 249 dollars and see them play each other.

84 Thanks For Nothing, Doc
Bob went to a psychiatrist.
‘Doc,’ he said, ‘I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘A hundred dollars per visit.’
‘I'll sleep on it,’ said Bob.
Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street.
‘Why didn't you ever come to see me again?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.’
‘Is that so! How?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed!’

85 Emergency Flashers
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police as to why he put two deviants along the side of the road, the man replied, ‘I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!’

86 Title Nine
A man and a woman are sitting at a bar having a friendly chat about sports. The man, a bit tipsy, decided to tell her his opinions of women and sports.

87 Drunk Test
A police officer pulls over a guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, ‘Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.’
The man says, ‘Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.’
‘Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.’
‘I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.’
‘Well, then, we need a urine sample.’
‘I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.’
‘All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.’
‘I can't do that, officer.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I'm drunk.’

88 Excuses, Excuses
Two factory workers were talking during a break and one of them said, ‘Are you going to the basketball game at the Forum Sunday. It’s the big game; the Lakers are playing the Bulls.
‘Naw,’ said the other one, ‘my wife won't let me go.’
‘You are a fool. There's nothing to it.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, an hour before the game you simply pick her up, carry her to the bed, fling her on the bed, tear off her clothes, make love, and say ‘I'm going to the game.'‘
The following Monday, the two men met at work and the first one said, ‘What happened? I didn't see you at the game. Didn't you do what I suggested?’
The second man said, ‘I'll tell you what happened. An hour before the game, I picked up the wife, carried her to the bedroom and flung her on the bed.’
‘Yes?’
‘And then, just as I was pulling off her panties and opening my fly, I thought to myself, what the hell, the Knicks haven't been playing that well lately.’

89 Strike Three
One Day the Devil challenged God to a baseball game.
Smiling God proclaimed, ‘You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.’
‘Yes,’ snickered the devil, ‘but I have all the umpires.’

90 Women And Baseball
‘You know why women can't play baseball?’
‘Because if they had to choose between catching a baby falling from the stands or the baseball they would choose the baby without even considering if there was a man on base.’

91 Agassi's Agony
Agassi, the number one player in the world was defeated 6-4, 6-4, which was his worst defeat since losing Brooke Shields in one set, 6-0.

92 They Me(An)T Well
After the Mets fell to the Yankees 4-1 in the World Series the Mets front office decided they needed to change their team slogan. It was ‘You gotta believe.’ Now the Mets think that it would be more accurate if it were changed to ‘You gotta make believe.’

93 Pop Quiz
Phil Jackson is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against the Blazers.
So Phil gives Mike Dunleavy a call and explains his problem. Mike is very understanding and invites Phil down to watch his team training. So Phil turns up in Portland and spends a day watching the Blazer players. At the end of the training session he says to Mike, ‘I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time.’
‘Ah’ says Mike, ‘I don't think its anything to do with the training. I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours. Well, We also train our boys in lateral thinking.’ To demonstrate his point he calls over Rasheed Wallace. ‘Rasheed, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?’
‘That's easy. It's me.’
‘Correct’ says Dunleavy.
Phil is very impressed. He goes back to Los Angeles and next day in training he calls over Shaquile O'Neal.
‘Shaq, I've been talking to Mike Dunleavy and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours.’
‘That's nonsense, Boss.’
‘OK,’ says Phil, ‘I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?’
Shaq looks blank and replies ‘I need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?’
Shaq goes home thinking about the problem. He decides to give Kobe Bryant a call.
‘Hello Kobe, its Shaq. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?’
‘That's easy’, says Kobe, ‘It's me.’
So Shaq calls over Phil the next day in training and says ‘Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question’
‘OK. What is it?’ asks Phil.
‘It's Kobe Bryant’ replies the confident Shaq.
‘You stupid idiot’ shouts Phil, ‘It's NOT Kobe............. It's Rasheed Wallace!’

94 Tackle Box
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, ‘Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas.
I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.’
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, ‘Did you have a good trip?’
He says, ‘Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.’
The wife responds in an angry tone, ‘Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.’

95 Tackle Shop
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, ‘I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.’
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, ‘That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.’
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor.
Upon bending over, she let out squeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, ‘That'll be fifty dollars.’
‘Fifty dollars?!?!’ the woman exclaimed. ‘You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!’
‘Yes, I did’, said the owner, ‘But that was for the reel.
The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.’

96 Chunks
This guy walks into a bar on Friday night. He sits down at the bar and tells the bartender, ‘Give me 15 shots of your strongest tequila lined up in a row.’
The bartender looked at him kinda funny but lined up 15 shots of tequila in a row.
The guy pays the bartender, shoots all fifteen down one after the other and walks out.
The next night the guy walks back into the bar and tells the bartender, ‘Give me 20 shots of your strongest tequila lined up in a row.’
The bartender lines up 20 shots.
The guy pays the bartender, shoots them down one after the other and walks out.
The next night the guy walks back into the bar. This time the bartender is already grabbing 25 shot glasses.
The guy sits down and says, ‘Give me a glass of water.’
The bartender says, ‘What happened to the tequila? We are up to 25 shots now.’
The guy replies, ‘Man, I went home last night and blew chunks.’
Bartender says, ‘Well when you drink that much that fast that type of thing is going to happen.’
The guy replies, ‘You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!’

97 The Math Expert
One of the world's most clever mathematicians was arrested by the police in an airport, for smuggling a bomb in his hand luggage.
The math expert says, ‘You don't understand! It's to make the plane safe!!’
One of the police officers asked, ‘What the heck do you mean by that crap?’
The math genius replied, ‘You see, the chances that a bomb is aboard the plane are extremely small, so the chance of two bombs being on the plane would be practically impossible.’

98 Phone Tag
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘Hello?’
Her: ‘Honey, It's me.’
Man: ‘Sugar!’
Her: ‘Are you at the club?’
Man: ‘Yes.’
Her: ‘Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?’
Man: ‘What's the price?’
Her: ‘Only $1,500.00’
Man: ‘Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...’
Her: ‘Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price .... And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...’
Man: ‘What price did he quote you?’
Her: ‘Only $60,000...’
Man: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
Her: ‘Great! before we hang up, something else...’
Man: ‘What?’
Her: ‘It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year .. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...’
Man: ‘How much are they asking?’
Her: ‘Only $450,000... A magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...’
Man: ‘Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?’
Her: ‘OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!’
Man: ‘Bye... I do too...’
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
‘Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?’

99 Dope
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the Judge. The Judge said, ‘You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.’
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the Judge said to the first one, ‘How did you do over the weekend?’
‘Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.’
‘Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?’
‘I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.’
‘That's admirable,’ said the Judge. ‘And you, how did you do?’ the Judge asked the second guy.
‘Well, your honour, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever.’
‘One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?’
‘Well, I used a similar approach. I also used the diagram with circles, but I said, ‘This small circle is your asshole before prison....’

100 A Good Huntin' Dawg
A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money.
Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.
The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.
The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.
The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.
The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.
The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happened.
The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

101 Wedding Gift
Did you hear about the football coach that got married?
He thought he was getting a tight end, but wound up with a wide receiver!

102 The Excuse
A 55 year old man bought a new BMW, and while out driving around one day, began to feel the awesome power and speed of the car. Before he realized it, he was doing 90 mph and lights begin to flash in his rear view mirror.
The man floored it, thinking the cop would never keep up. Soon he was doing 150 mph. Just then he realized that the cop could easily call for back up and block the road ahead, so he decided to pull over.
As you can imagine, the cop was fuming. He told the man, ‘Look, it's Friday and I'm at the end of my shift. If you can give me a good excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.’
The man thought for a moment and responded to the cop.
‘OK. Look. A couple of weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer, and when I saw the lights, I thought it was him trying to return her,’

103 Identity Crisis
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't get mistaken for feminists.

104 Answering Prayers
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.
The first one asks, ‘Oh Lord, when will the 49ers next win the Super Bowl?’
God Replies, ‘In the next five years’
‘But I'll be dead by then’, says the man.
The second one asks, ‘Oh Lord, when will the Packers next win the Super Bowl?.’
The Lord answers ‘In the next ten years.’
‘But I'll be dead by then’, says the man.
The third one asks, ‘Oh Lord, when will the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl?’
God Answers, ‘I'll be dead by then!’

105 Gorilla In Heat
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian diagnosed the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. ‘First,’ he said. ‘I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this.’ The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. ‘Well,’ said Ed, ‘you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.’

106 Is God A Yankee Fan?
This Mets supporter is at the World Series when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with Saint Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.
‘Well,’ the fan says, ‘three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!’
Saint Peter frowns and says, ‘What else?’
‘Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!’ the fan continues.
‘What else?’
‘A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!’
So Peter tells the fan to wait for just a minute and he'll be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, ‘Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!’

107 Luck Of The Irish
Late one Friday night after a big soccer game the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
‘Aye, so I have. The team won, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these margaritas, which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..’
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ‘Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyser test.’
The man said, ‘Why? Don't ye believe me?!?’

108 ‘Made In Japan’
[[[ Don’t tell this one because I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE PUNCHLINE IS]]]
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, ‘Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!’
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!’
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!’
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, ‘Wahhh..... So expensive!’
Thereupon, the driver yelled back, ‘ [[[I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE PUNCHLINE IS]]]

109 House on the Hill
It's the year 2032, and Joe Torre is standing before the pearly gates. His only regret in life was Roger Clemens disgusting display at game 2 of the Subway Series back in the year 2000. God greets Joe and offers a personal tour of Heaven.
After showing Joe the green forests, sparkling lakes, and plush meadows of Heaven, God brings him to a small, ramshackle house by the side of a dirt road. The house has a Yankees banner in the upstairs window.
‘This will be your house, Joe’ God says.
Joe is a little disappointed in his accommodations, and God, noticing his dismay, says, ‘Joe, you know most people in Heaven don't get a house at all, but since you were a famous baseball manager, and your sister served me in such an unselfish way, you do.’
Joe feels a little better, but then he looks up the road, and at the top of the hill is a gorgeous orange and blue mansion, surrounded by huge green lawns and palm trees. There are expensive sports cars in the driveway, and dozens of well dressed people sipping martinis by the pool.
At the top of this incredible mansion is a huge Mets flag atop a gold pole.
Joe says ‘God, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but why is it that Bobby Valentine's house is so much nicer than mine?’
‘That's not Bobby Valentine's house,’ says God, ‘that's my house.’

110 A Dead-Tired Heat
After an evening of electoral volleying, the decision came down to one state. Florida, known for it's sunny beaches populated with bikini-clad beauties and floating refugees, possessed the 25 electoral votes needed to push either candidate over the top.
Senior citizens were an important factor in this state, appearing at voting booths no later than 3 o'clock in hopes of getting an early bird voting special. According to the most recent polls, many of them voted for Gore, believing that he came with a side of cole- slaw.
Believing the results were all in, Gore telephoned Governor Bush early on wed morning to congratulate him on his victory. The call was said to last twenty minutes, 18 of which Gore spent begging Bush to take him off speakerphone.
Unfortunately, the media had a topsy-turvy evening, jumping the gun when they declared that Bush had won Florida -- an action that caused many Floridians to swim back to Cuba.

111 Would You Remarry?
‘Darling,’ a husband whispered to his wife late one night, ‘if I died, would you get married again?’
‘I suppose so,’ she replied.
‘Would you sleep in the same bed with him?’
‘Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice.’
‘Would you make love to him?’
‘Honey,’ the woman said patiently, ‘he would be my husband.’
‘Would you give him my car?’
‘No,’ she yawned, ‘He can't drive a stick shift.’

112 Sure Bet
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Smack!
‘Ouch! What was that for?’
‘What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it?’
‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.’
‘Oh,’ she says and goes about doing her housework, apparently happy with his answer.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading, when - WHACK! - His wife again hits him over the head with a frying pan again.
‘What the heck was that for this time?’
‘Your horse phoned.’

113 Yankee Man
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
‘Holy cow, Mister,’ one of them said after catching his breath. ‘You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?’
‘Those fools!’ the old man grumbled. ‘They misspelled my name!’

114 Dog Poker
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed that three men and a dog were playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. ‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented.
‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’

115 Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?’
The farmer shook his head and replied, ‘Some things you just can't explain.’
‘So what happened that's so horrible?’ the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.’
‘Okay,’ said the man, ‘but that's not so bad.’
‘Some things you just can't explain,’ the farmer replied.
‘So what happened then?’ the man asked.
The farmer said, ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.’
‘And then?’
‘Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.’
The man laughed and said, ‘Again?’
The farmer replied, ‘Some things you just can't explain.’
‘So, what did you do then?’ the man asked.
‘I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.’
‘And then?’
‘Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’
‘Hmmm,’ the man said and nodded his head.
‘Some things you just can't explain,’ the farmer said.
‘So, what did you do?’ the man asked.
‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

116 The Grounded Conductor
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, ‘What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?’
Tom says, ‘I would switch one train to another track.’
‘What if the lever broke?’ asks the inspector.
‘I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever,’ answers Tom.
‘What if that had been struck by lightning?’ challenges the inspector.
‘Then,’ Tom continues, ‘I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.’
‘What if the phone was busy?’
‘In that case,’ Tom argues, ‘I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.’
‘What if that had been vandalized?’
‘Oh, well,’ says Tom, ‘in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo.’
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, ‘Why would you do that?’
‘Because he's never seen a train crash!’

117 Overtime
The Philadelphia Flyers and the Pittsburgh Penguins gave the crowd their money's worth in a five-overtime game Thursday. It was the third longest game in playoff history, and the most thrills the state of Pennsylvania has had since the Great Amish Butter Churn Contest of 1928.

118 Preakness
The second leg of the Triple Crown Challenge will be run this weekend in Maryland. The payoff for the favourite Fusiachi Pegasus is so low that bums who bet on the races for their drinking money will have to settle for Hooch instead of the a celebration bottle of Miller Lite.

119 Bullish Behaviour
Two bull riders are talking at a shop. ‘The bull I was training on can't ride for a while.’
‘Why not?’
‘He was suffering from impotency, and the vet put him on some medicine.’
‘My bull had the same problem. What medicine was it?’
‘I don't know, but it tasted like chocolate.’

120 Yukon Territory
An elderly man went into a grocery store and asked the salesman for a half a head of lettuce.
The young man walked into the back and told the manager, saying, ‘hey, some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce,’
Turning he found the old gentlemen had followed him. Swiftly recovering he said, ‘This nice man wants to buy the other half.’
The manager told the young man, ‘I could use a smart fellow like you in my Canadian store.’
The smart ass replied, ‘aint nothing in Canada but hookers and hockey players.
The manager replied, ‘Oh yeah? MY wife is from Canada.’
‘Well what team does she play for?’

121 Ice Breakers
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party.
Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful co-ed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
‘Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals,’ she said. ‘What’s your G. P. A.?’
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, ‘I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway.’

122 Pacer Makers
The Indiana Pacers squeaked by the eighth seeded Bucks 96-95 on Thursday. Coach Larry Bird said he had gotten advice from former coach Bob Knight, who had told him before the game, ‘don't choke.’

123 Post Game Discussion
Two Giants fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other, ‘You know, the Ravens might have won the Super Bowl, but Baltimore fans are such a**holes!’
A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said, ‘I find that statement offensive!’
One of the Giants fans replied, ‘Oh, you must be a Ravens fan.’
‘No’ the man said, ‘I'm an a**hole!’

124 Marv Albert Theme Song
(to the tune of ‘Walking in a Winter Wonderland’)
Lacey things, they're so thrillin'!
Men don't know that they're missin.’
To dress in their clothes,
their silk pantyhose,
Walkin' in a woman's underwear.

In the store there's a teddy –
Little straps, like spaghetti!
It fits me so tight,
like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office, there's a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He says, ‘Are you ready?’ I say, ‘Whoa, man!
Let's wait until the wife is out of town!’

Late at night, we'll go to the hotel room,
Oral sex with no one looking on,
I'll say, ‘Can I bite you, you're a bad girl!
You'll like it when the cabbie brings the John!’

Later on, if we wanna,
We can dress like Madonna!
We'll put on our shades, and join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

125 Bob Knight Again?
Well, sports fans before you say enough is enough, check out the latest release from the marred Indiana coach. That's right it's the Bob Knight How to be an Effective Speaker tape set. Whether you are starting off as a Little League baseball coach, or you are a seasoned trash talker these tapes will help you learn the right combination of four-letter words to help intimidate, disgrace, and hurt your players. Learn how to offend the media. Learn how to say racist slurs and then cover them up. And if you buy now get the bonus tape ‘How to throw inanimate objects to get your way.’ These tapes aren't just for the playing field. Oh no, now just walk right into your boss' office and tell him to go f*** himself and you'll have that raise you always dreamed of.

126 The Man Who Loved Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to him, ‘She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this’ so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, ‘Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!’
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and let rip!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

127 A Fart Story
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out.
Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

128 Part Time Job
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. ‘Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.’
‘Easy, Dad,’ the boy replied. ‘I earned it hiking.’
‘Come on,’ the father said. ‘Tell me the truth.’
‘That is the truth,’ the boy replied. ‘Every night you were gone, Mr Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!’

129 Grandmother’s Coffee
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, ‘Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?’
Her grandson answered, ‘Like is says on TV, Grandma -- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'‘

130 Poacher
Stranger: ‘Catch any fish?’
Fisherman: ‘Did I! I took 30 out of this stream this morning!’
Stranger: ‘Do you know who I am? I'm the game warden!’
Fisherman: ‘Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the county!’

131 Where's My Rolex???!!!!!
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
‘Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!’, he whined.
‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!’ retorted the officer, ‘You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!’
‘Oh my gaaad....’, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, ‘Where's my Rolex?’

132 The Email
A married couple was planning to go on vacation in Key West, Florida. The man went down first, while the wife was finishing up a business meeting in New York City. The husband arrived and decided to email his wife to tell her he arrived in Key West.
After he typed his message, he accidentally typed in the wrong email address. The email went to a woman who was grieving over her recently deceased husband. The grieving woman checked her email, read the man’s letter, then passed out cold. Her daughter came in and looked at the computer screen. It read:
Honey, This is your husband. I just wanted to tell you I got here OK, and I have all your bags checked in and ready for you to get here tonight so we can be together.
P. S. It sure is hot down here.

133 A Lion
A lion, sleeping in the jungle, is woken by the sound of loud laughter. Rousing himself, he goes to investigate and, behind a batch of trees, finds a group of elephants roaring with delight.
‘What's going on?’ asks the lion.
Tears rolling down his face, the nearest elephant replies, ‘We're fucking monkeys!’ .
‘Big deal’, says the lion. ‘I’ve done that hundreds of times. I've never had this kind of reaction!’ .
‘Well,’ says the elephant, ‘they don't explode when YOU fuck 'em!’

134 A Pirate's Tale
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch.
‘How'd you end up with a peg leg?’ asks the sailor.
‘I was swept overboard in a storm,’ says the pirate. ‘A shark bit off me whole leg.’
‘Wow!’ said the sailor. ‘What about the hook?’
‘We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off.’
‘Incredible!’ remarked the sailor. ‘And the eye patch?’
‘A seagull dropping fell in me eye,’ replied the pirate.
‘You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?’ the sailor asked incredulously.
Said the pirate, ‘It was me first day with the hook.’

135 My Father... Speedy
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.
Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery, ‘Good morning.’
‘And a good morning to you, Wing Commander,’ replied the officer. ‘Having trouble taking off?’

136 Two Confirmed Bachelors
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.
‘I got a cookbook once,’ said the first, ‘but I could never do anything with it.’
‘Too much fancy cooking in it?’ asked the second.
‘You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'‘

137 Chicken Goes To The Library
A chicken goes into a library and says, ‘Bok,’ so the librarian gives it a book. Ten minutes later the same chicken comes in again and says, ‘Bok bok.’ The librarian gives the chicken two books, but being a bit curious, follows the chicken down the road where the chicken meets a frog. The frog says to the chicken, ‘Redit, redit!’

138 Women and Men
An English professor wrote the words, ‘woman without her man is nothing’ on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: ‘Woman, without her man, is nothing.’
The women wrote: ‘Woman! Without her, man is nothing.’

139 Poetry Contest
It was the finals in a poetry contest. The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges.
The word was ‘TIMBUKTU.’
The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.

140 Dumb Quotes
Saints RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: ‘I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.’
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: ‘I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.’
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: ‘I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.’

141 A New Aesop's Fable
Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, ‘Good Morning, Mr. Crow.’ Mr. Crow shouted back down, ‘Good Morning Mr. Rabbit.’
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, ‘Whatcha doin' today?’ and the answer shouted back down was, ‘Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.’
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, ‘Do you think I could do that too?’ Mr. Crow shouted back down, ‘I don’t see why not!’ So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.
In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.
The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

142 City Slickers
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him ‘are you a real cowboy?’
To which he replied, Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am.’
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, ‘I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.’
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
‘I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.’

143 The Texan Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
‘WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?’ he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
‘ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!’
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, ‘Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?’
The cowboy turned back and said, ‘I had to walk home.’

144 Gay Ranch Hand
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, ‘You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.’
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However: One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. Two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.
‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
‘Now take off my boots.’
He did so, slowly.
‘Now take off my socks.’
He did.
‘Now take off my skirt.’
He did.
‘Now take off my bra.’
Again with trembling hands he did as she asked
‘Now,’ she said, ‘take off my panties.’
He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, ‘Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again.’

145 The Fairy Godmother
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, A Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfil 3 Wishes for her.
‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘I guess I'd like to be Rich.’ POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold.
‘And I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess.’ POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young Princess. With a priceless Crown of Jewels.
‘Your Third Wish?’ asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's Dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak hoarse ‘woof.’
‘Could you possibly turn my wonderful Dog into a Handsome Prince?’ POOF: There, in front of the Old Woman, who has now turned into a Beautiful Princess, stood the most Handsome Young Man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, ‘I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered.’

146 NBA Finals
Who has the best shooting game in Los Angeles?
The fans after a victory.

147 Observation
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. ‘You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.’
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes of silence, they follow suit. ‘The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.’

148 Jock Jams
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all of the equipment; the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car and even a cabin in the woods of Maine. They spend a fortune.
Then they drive eight hours to Maine.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, ‘Do you realize that this one lousy fish cost us fifteen hundred dollars?’
The second guy says.
‘Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!’

149 I say, I say
Q: I say, I say, what is a man's idea of protected sex?
A: A padded headboard.

150 Two Hundred Bucks
Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.
‘Hi, Nora, is Tony home?’
‘No, he went to the store.’
‘Well, do you mind if I wait?’
‘No, come on in.’ They both have a seat in the kitchen. ‘You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.’
Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it's for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, ‘Nora, your tits are so beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both.’
Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another hundred bucks on the
table.
Another ten minutes passes by... Dave can't wait around any longer, so he leaves.
A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says ‘Your weird friend, Dave, came over this afternoon.’
Replies Tony, ‘Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?’

151 Dance Fever
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
‘Where did you find this duck, it's incredible?’ the owner asked.
‘Well I took my daughter duck hunting one time and she couldn't bear to see me shoot it, so we brought it home as a pet.’
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, ‘Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!’
‘So?’ asked the ducks' former owner, ‘did you remember to light the candle under the pot?’

152 The Bush Dance
Want to see something funny?? See The Bush Dance.
Watch him move while you make him groove!

153 True Law
After starting her own business, an investment counsellor found she was doing so well, she needed to get in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers.
‘In this business,’ she stated to one of her first applicants, ‘our personal integrity must be beyond question. Do you consider yourself an honest lawyer, Mr. Ford?’
‘I certainly do!’ replied the lawyer. ‘I’m so honest that after my father loaned me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, I paid back every penny after my very first case.’
The investment counsellor was impressed. ‘What sort of case was it?’ she asked.
The lawyer pressed his lips tightly for a moment before finally answering, ‘He sued me for the money.’

154 Little Old Lady
A young man was walking through a super market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him.
‘Pardon me,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died recently.’
‘I'm very sorry,’ replied the young man ‘is there anything I can do for you?’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better.’
‘Sure,’ answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,’ Goodbye, Mother!’ Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.00.’How can that be?’ he asked. ‘I only purchased a few things!’
The clerk replied, ‘Your mother said you'd pay for her.’

155 The Chemists
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the girl behind the counter for a package of condoms.
‘What size?’ she asks.
The guy doesn't know. The girl says, ‘Okay. I'll measure you.’
She takes out a ruler, measure's the guy's penis and calls out, ‘Size large in aisle three!’
Another guy comes in and asks for a package of condoms.
‘What size?’ the girls asks. The guy doesn't know, so she measures him too, and then calls out, ‘Size medium in aisle two!’
A fifteen-year-old boy comes in and sheepishly asks for a package of condoms.
‘What size?’ the girls asks.
‘Uh ... I ... I don't, uh ... I don't know,’ the kid says, embarrassed.
The girl starts measuring his cock, then gets a really disgusted look on her face. She yells out, ‘Cleanup in aisle one!’

156 A Bear Joke
A guy goes hunting in the woods. He sees a bear and shoots his gun. He runs over but can't find the bear. Suddenly the bear taps him on the shoulder and gives the guy a choice: 1) either the bear eats him or 2) he gives the bear a blowjob. The guy decides to live and gives the bear a blowjob.
The next day, the guy comes back with a bigger gun, but misses the bear once more. And again, he has to give the bear a blowjob.
He decides to come back a third time with a fucking bazooka but still misses. This time the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, ‘Surely you don't come down here for hunting?’

157 The Kuwaiti
A man in Kuwait was thrilled he was finally getting married. He was going to marry his seventeen-year old bride. Then about one week later the honeymoon was suddenly over.
Many friends who visited him found him pale, complaining of incredible pain in his back and total exhaustion. He was dizzy and disoriented, he collapsed in his living room and had to be carried on the shoulders of his friends to the ambulance.
The doctors had no clue what was wrong with him until they discovered one crucial fact. His nubile wife and he had been having sex six times a day!

158 Doc, Help!
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
‘Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,’ answered the patient. ‘You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?’
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, ‘Pay me in advance.’

159 Mr. Goldstein
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy,’ said Mr. Goldstein, ‘My penis died today.’
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she says to Mr. Goldstein, ‘please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
‘Mr. Goldstein,’ she said, ‘I thought you told me your penis had died?’
‘It did,’ he replied. ‘Today’s the viewing.’

160 My Wife...
A man complains to a friend, ‘I can't take it anymore.’
‘What's wrong?’ his concerned friend asks.
‘It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!’
‘You mean hysterical,’ his friend said, chuckling.
‘No, I mean HISTORICAL,’ the man insists.
‘Every argument we have, she'll go ..’ I still remember that time when you ...’

161 Monkey Business
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said ‘I wish you could talk.’
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
‘You can understand what I'm saying?’ asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
‘Well, did you see this?’
‘Yes,’ motioned the monkey.
‘What happened?’
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
‘They were drinking?’ asked the officer.
‘Yes.’
‘What else?’
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
‘They were smoking marijuana?’
‘Yes.’
‘What else?’
The monkey motioned ‘Screwing.’
‘They were screwing, too?’ asked the astounded officer.
‘Yes.’
‘Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.’
‘Yes.’
‘What were you doing during all this?’
‘Driving’ motioned the monkey.

162 Heart Attack
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains: ‘I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replies, ‘I didn't recognize you.’

163 Dietary Supplement
Mike Tyson was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds.’
When Mike Tyson returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly twenty pounds.
‘Why, that's amazing!’ the doctor said. ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
Mike Tyson nodded and said, ‘I'll tell you though, Doc, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.’
‘From hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
To which Tyson answered, ‘No, Doc, from skipping.’

164 Lunch Hour
An Auburn, Tennessee and an Alabama student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Birmingham. The Auburn student opens his lunch box and says, ‘A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!’
The Tennessee student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, ‘Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!’
Lastly the Alabama student opens his lunchbox and complains, ‘Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!’
The next day the Auburn student finds another hotdog and jumps...
The Tennessee student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too...
Finally the Alabama student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Auburn mother cries, ‘If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs,’
The Tennessee mother cried, ‘I thought salad was good for him.’
The Alabama mother then exclaimed, ‘I don't understand... He fixed his own lunch!’

165 The Gore Halloween Party
Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. His wife got a terrible headache and told Al to go to the party alone. Al, being a devoted husband, protested, but his wife argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Al took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since Al did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching Al to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted Al cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, Al left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally Al whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation Al would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when Al came in and asked what kind of a time he had. Al said, ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.’
Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?’
Al replied, ‘I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Larry Flint, Janet Reno, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... I loaned my costume to Bill and he told me he had a great time!’

166 Staking A Claim
As part of their ‘ranch’ holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, ‘If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you.
The deer belongs to whoever shoots it.’
The guy goes to his own blind.
Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting,
‘OK, lady, OK! You can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!’

167 Where Are We
Two sperms are swimming really hard.
One asks, ‘Are we almost at the uterus?’
‘Nah,’ says the other, ‘we just passed the tonsils.’

168 Communication Breakdown
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver yells, ‘Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?’
The other guy yells back, ‘No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?’

169 Arnold, Sly, and Van Damme
Excited about his new project concept, a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around.
The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.
The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.
‘Well,’ started Stallone, ‘I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.’
‘Chopin has always been my favourite,’ said Van Damme, I'll play him.’
Things were going well; the producers were pleased.
‘Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?’
‘I'll be Bach.’

170 Luke and Obi-Wan
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop- sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, ‘Use the FORKS, Luke.’

171 Tickle Me Elmo
A woman went to apply for a job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. She went to her interview, and an hour or so later she got the job. The manager congratulated her and told her to be at work at 8:00 sharp the next morning. The next morning she breezed in at 8:00 and started to work. After a couple of hours, a fellow worker rushed in to the manager’s office.
‘Sir, he said,’ the woman you just hired has set us back for days! I don't know what she's doing, but it's bad!’ The manager replied, ‘Well tomorrow we will observe her and see why she's taking so long.’
The next morning the manager and worker quickly hid so the woman would not see them. She immediately set to work to make the Elmo. She then took two more eyeballs and another piece of furry cloth and fiddled around with it and sewed it on the doll.
The manager started roaring with laughter. He went up to the woman still chuckling and said, ‘You misunderstood me when you got the job. You are supposed to give Elmo two test tickles.’

172 Accountancy
A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.
The first one is called in, and asked, ‘What is two plus two?’
She answers, ‘Four,’ and is asked to leave.
The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, ‘What is two plus two?’
He also answers, ‘Four,’ and is also asked to leave.
The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, ‘What is two plus two?’
He answers, ‘What do you want it to be?’
He got the job.

173 The Notes
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, ‘Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?’
‘Nonsense,’ said the husband, ‘I can remember a dish of ice cream!’
‘Well,’ said the wife, ‘I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget.’
‘Don't be silly,’ replied the husband. ‘A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!’
‘OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget,’ said the wife.
‘Come now, my memory's not all that bad,’ said the husband. ‘No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.’ With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, ‘Hey, where's the toast?’

174 The Chihuahua
Don and Frank have walked their dogs along the same route every day for years but never talked. One day Don approached Frank and said, ‘You know, we see each other everyday but never talk.’
So Don and Frank became really good friends and came across a bar neither of them had ever been to before. There was a sign that stated ‘NO PETS ALLOWED SAVE SEEING-EYE DOGS.’ Frank said ‘Let's find another bar and go there.’ Don said ‘No, follow my lead and we can go here.’
Don put on dark sunglasses and walked into the bar. The Bartender questioned the greyhound seeing-eye dog, but Don said ‘Oh, greyhounds are very loving, loyal and smart’, and the bartender let him in. Frank followed suit, and when the bartender questioned the Chihuahua Frank simply stated,
‘They gave me a Chihuahua!’

175 Three Dogs...
Dogs in bars, always good
A Doberman, a Collie and a Chihuahua were sitting at a bar
A poodle comes up to the bar and says: whoever can use liver and cheese in a sentence I will marry!
The Doberman thinking he had a chance says:
I LIKE liver and cheese!!
The poodle was not impressed.
‘Oh please,’ said the poodle ‘you have to be able to do better than that!!’
The collie also thinking he had a chance, says:
I HATE liver and Cheese!!
The poodle sighed and said: That was original!
So the smart-ass Chihuahua pipes up, I can beat both of those sentences.
The poodle says: O. K. Give it your best shot.
So the Chihuahua says:
Liver alone Cheese mine
(leave her alone she is mine).

176 The New Pet
For a little girls birthday her parents decided to let her get a pet. So the next day she went to the pet store. She walks past the puppies. Glanced at the kittens. Took a look at the fish. Gawked at the lizards and snakes, to then decide she wanted a bird.
When all three got home they tried to think of a name for the new pet. Then, on the TV, came the dolphin show FLIPPER. The little girl excitedly ran up to her parents saying, ‘I know what to name the bird!’
‘Well what's the name?’ the parents asked.
‘Flipper!’ she shouted, ‘Flipper the bird!’

177 Invisible Opponent
It was the day of the big basketball game, Kentucky at Tennessee.20 minutes before game time, the Wildcats had not arrived at the stadium. The officials quickly got on the phone and found out that their plane had been delayed and the bus was stuck in traffic. An hour went by and the fans were getting impatient. Finally, the refs made the decision to start the game without the Kentucky team. Six minutes into the game the Wildcats arrived and the Volunteers had taken a 2-0 lead.

178 My Dad's Better Than Your Dad
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honoured game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, ‘My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!’
One of the other boys said, ‘Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!’
The last boy said, ‘Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!’

179 Breaking Up
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fianc?that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
‘Can she cook like I can?’ the distraught woman asked between sobs.
‘Not on her best day,’ he replied.
‘Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?’
‘No, she's broke.’
‘Well, then, is it sex?’
‘Nobody does it like you, babe.’
‘Then what can she do that I can't?’
’Sue me for child support.’

180 The Divorce Lawyer
The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, ‘I want one of them there dayvorces.’
The lawyer said, ‘Do you have grounds?’
The farmer said, ‘Yes, I have 140 acres.’
The lawyer said, ‘No you don't understand. Do you have a case?’
The farmer said, ‘No, I have a John Deere.’
The lawyer said, ‘You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?’
The farmer said, ‘Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night.’
The lawyer said, ‘You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?’
The farmer said, ‘Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday.’
The lawyer said, ‘Does she beat you up?’
The farmer said, ‘No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning.’
The lawyer said, ‘Is she a nagger?’
The farmer said, ‘No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce.’

181 Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary Clinton went off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, ‘There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.’ Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know. Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: ‘Will I be acquitted?’

182 What Is It?
A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she brought in rolls of Lifesavers of all flavours. ‘Children,’ she announced, passing out the Lifesavers, ‘I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these and tell me what flavour they are.’ The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them the honey-flavoured Lifesavers, every one was stumped. ‘I'll give you a hint,’ said the teacher ‘It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time .’ Instantly one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, ‘Spit'em out, they're assholes!’

183 Night On The Town
Two football players are sitting in a dorm and talking about girls. One says to the other, ‘I never get lucky, I'm just too ugly...’
The other player says ‘No man, you just need to go to where I live. There girls don't care what you look like.’
So the ugly guy says, ‘Well lets go!’
They take the bus and get off in the friend's neighbourhood. They start walking down the street, and the ugly guy turns and sees this beautiful woman across the street, curling her finger towards herself and saying, ‘come here.’ The ugly guy turns toward his friend and says, ‘You were right. I'll meet up with you later, see ya!’
So he runs across the street and starts following the woman. She disappears for a brief moment around the bend of a building and then reappears signalling with her finger, ‘come here.’
He continues to follow after her. She disappears behind another building, then reappears once again... Still curling her finger, ‘come here.’ Finally, he sees her at the top of an apartment's stairs... One last time she curls her finger, ‘come here.’
He goes up the stairs and walks into the apartment which is pitch dark. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly the lights turn on. There he sees the woman pointing at three kids saying, ‘I told you if you were bad I was going to bring you the Boogie Man!’

184 Ice Fishing
Once upon a time long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.
The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.
That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, ‘I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place.’
So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked ‘Well, how about it, are they cheating?’
‘They sure are!’ the player reported, ‘They're cutting holes in the ice.’

185 Animal Sounds
A group of football players were sitting in a circle with their teacher in their remedial learning class. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
‘Davy, what noise does a cow make?’
‘It goes moo.’
‘Jim, what noise does a cat make?’
‘It goes meow.’
‘Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?’
‘It goes baaa.’
‘Butch, what sound does a mouse make?’
‘Errr.., it goes.. Click!’

186 NFL Refs' Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling ‘heads or tails’ but never getting any...’head’ or ‘tail.’
Players get ‘the wave.’.. Refs get ‘the finger.’
Anyone who makes a call against the Bears risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to Cleveland.
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colours, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing Judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

187 Happy Anniversary, Dear!
One day, a man went to a flower shop. He wanted to know what he should get his wife for their anniversary. The owner pulled out a bird and said, ‘His name's Chet. Light a match under his left leg and he sings Happy Anniversary. Light a match under his right leg and he sings Happy Birthday.’
Since the man wasn’t a very good shopper, he took it instead of flowers. He took it home to his wife, and she loved it. She lit a match under his left leg and he sang ‘Happy Anniversary.’ Then, she lit one under his right leg, and he started singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ She was so pleased, but then she wondered, ‘What would happen if I lit a match under both of his legs?’ So she did. Then, Chet started singing, ‘Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...’

188 Medical Emergency
Two hunters were out in the woods looking for a deer. One hunter saw one and fired his rifle. The deer scampered off, but the two hunters thought they had hit it because there was a blood trail.
They followed the blood trail and came upon a little rabbit, which had been accidentally hit.
‘What should we do? I can't bear to think that we killed an innocent, little rabbit,’ one hunter said.
The other hunter started looking through his backpack.
‘What are you looking for?’
‘I think that I might have something that could help. I'm not sure about it, but I'll give it a shot.’
The hunter pulled out an aerosol can and sprayed the dying rabbit. Nothing happened, so he sprayed it again. Once more nothing happened. He gave it one last shot and sprayed the rabbit.
Suddenly the rabbit jumped up and skipped off, but stopped 50 yards away, turned around and waved. He then hopped another 50 yards, stopped, and waved.
‘What the heck did you do to that rabbit?’ the hunter asked.
‘I just sprayed it with this, it's a hair restorer with permanent wave.’

189 Small Town Bar
So this guy walks into a bar. As he's sitting there drinking his beer, someone stands up and shouts, ‘27!’ and the entire bar bursts into hysterical laughter. A few moments later someone else stands up and yells, ‘16!’ Once again, the entire bar bursts into fits of laughter. Soon, a third man stands up and shouts, ‘6!’ Again, everyone in the bar laughs. The completely confused stranger walks up to the bartender and asks what all the laughing is about. The bartender replies, ‘See, we're such a small town that everyone knows everyone and all of their jokes. So to make life easier we catalogued all of our jokes. Now instead of telling the whole joke, we just shout out it's number and everyone knows what joke it is and we laugh.’ The stranger nods in agreement and sits down. After a few more people stand up and shout numbers, the man decides he wants to join in. He stands up and shouts, ‘17!’ Nobody laughs.
The bartender shakes his head and says, ‘Man, you just didn't tell it right!’

190 The Justice System -- The NFL's Off Season Camp
Apparently Ray Lewis lied to police about the incidents on the night of the Super Bowl. The said incidents have led to a murder charge against the NFL player. The police claim that some statements were inconsistent and false. Lewis claims that he did lie, but he is still innocent although he wanted to clarify that the murder weapon was in the glove compartment not the suitcase.

191 The Kiss Me Frog
There was a young man driving his car, when suddenly he saw a little frog sitting beside him. The frog began saying to the man ‘Kiss me, kiss me’! But the man didn't want to kiss a frog.
The little creature kept saying to the man ‘Kiss me, kiss me’ So at last, he accepted and kissed the frog. And guess what the frog turned into??
A very beautiful lady.
Now, the man began saying to the lady ‘Kiss me, kiss me.’.. But the lady didn't want to kiss the man. At last she accepted and kissed the man... And guess what the man turned into??
The next motel!!!!

192 The Priest
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
‘Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.’
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
Well, since we're confiding in each other,’ said the doctor, ‘I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.’
The lawyer was aghast.
‘I'm ashamed of both of you,’ he exclaimed, ‘I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.’

193 Help Me Doc
‘Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?’
‘Look, I can't prescribe...’
‘Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell!
You've got to help me.’
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
‘Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.’
‘I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold...’
‘One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?’
‘Um... Okay.’
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, ‘I... Need... A man...’
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, ‘Me... Too...’

195 Sarah Was Reading A Newspaper
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
‘Listen to this,’ she said, ‘there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.’
‘Hmmm,’ her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, ‘Would you swap me for a season ticket?’
‘Absolutely not,’ he said.
‘How sweet,’ Sarah said. ‘Tell me why not.’
‘Season's more than half over,’ he said.

196 The Preacher's Bike
Every Sunday, the town preacher rides his bike to church.
This particular day, a member of the church noticed that the preacher was walking.
He asked the preacher ‘Where's your bike?’
The preacher said, that ‘Someone stole it, it must have been one of the parishioners.’
‘Well,’ the member proceeded to tell him, ‘for next Sunday's sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments.
When you get to Thou shalt not steal, really stress on it and you'll get your bike back.’
The next week the same member saw the preacher riding his bike.
‘I see you have your bike back? Did you do what I told you about preaching on the Ten Commandments?
‘Yes’ replied the preacher.
‘Did you stress Thou shalt not steal?’ he asked.
‘No’ the preacher answered.
‘What happened?’ asked the member.
‘Well,’ said the preacher ‘when I got to Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left it.’

197 Health Plans... HMO vs. PPO
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
‘Oh my God’, said the Queen, ‘that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?’
The Doctor leading the tour explains; ‘I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.’
‘Oh, I am sorry’, said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.
‘Oh my God’, said the Queen, ‘What's happening in there?’
The Doctor replied, ‘Same problem, better health plan.’

198 Getting Your Fill
Two West Virginia football coaches were driving down the road when they noticed they needed some gas. They started looking for a gas station when they saw a sign that read 'Free Sex with Fill up.'
They decided to pull in and told the attendant to, ‘fill 'er up.’ After he was done the attendant went to the window and said that it would be $18.00 for the gas.
They paid and as the attendant started to walk away the driver yelled ‘What about my free sex?’
The attendant rolled his eyes and went to the window and said, ‘OK, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10.’
The driver said, ‘6.’
The attendant said ‘No, the answer was 3, sorry.’
As the attendant started to walk off the passenger said, ‘Give me a try.’
The attendant said 'OK.' The passenger said, ‘7.’
And the attendant said ‘No, I told you the answer was 3.’
The driver then sped off and the passenger looked over and said, ‘I think that game was rigged, there is no way to win.’
The driver replied, ‘Uh, Uh, my wife won three times last week.’

199 The Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, ‘I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.’
‘Thank heavens,’ his date replied, ‘if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!’

200 My Best Feature
A young Internet entrepreneur named Brett leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Brett broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’
Flustered and embarrassed, Brett finally squeaked, ‘It's got to be your ears!’
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin--no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?’
Clearing his throat, Brett stammered, ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.’

201 Lessons In Nursing
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her hospitalised baseball player husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I had that hitting slump, you were there to support me. When my leg broke you were there. When I sent to the minors, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she asks gently.
‘I think you bring me bad luck.’

202 The Chief Rabbi And The Pope
It's a little-known fact, but once a year there's a ceremonial meeting between the Chief Rabbi and the Pope, followed by a dinner. Every year since time immemorial they have carried out the Ceremony of the
Envelope. What happens is that the Chief Rabbi hands the Pope an envelope and the Pope hands it back unopened. Then they go eat.
This year as usual the Chief Rabbi, Dr. Jonathan Sacks, handed the envelope, by now somewhat tattered and dog-eared, to His Holiness as he and his predecessors had always done. But instead of handing it back as usual, the Pope said, ‘We've been doing this for hundreds of years, Jonathan. Do you know what's in the envelope?’
‘Well, Karol, since you ask,’ replied Dr. Sacks, ‘actually I have no idea.’
‘In that case,’ said the Pontiff, ‘it seems to me that the ceremony is in danger of becoming meaningless, so what do you think? Shall we open the envelope?’
After a moment's thought the Chief Rabbi agreed, so with trembling hands they opened the ancient enclosure and extracted a yellowed parchment. Wondering what profound theological revelation it contained, very carefully they unfolded it.
It was the bill for the Last Supper!

203 The Secretary
Two law partners hire a cute young secretary and decide to have a contest to see who can fuck her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
‘So what did you think?’ he asks.
‘Ahh,’ replies the first lawyer, ‘my wife is better.’
Some time goes by, and the second lawyer also gets his chance to fuck the secretary.
‘So, what did you think?’ inquires the first lawyer.
To which the second lawyer replies, ‘You were right!’

204 The Chaste Woman
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
‘No thank you.’ she said politely, ‘this may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.’
‘That must be rather difficult.’ The man replied.
‘Oh, I don't mind too much,’ she said, ‘but, it has my husband pretty upset.’

205 Hearing Problems
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!’

206 Spella Mississippi
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following :
‘Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.’
‘You foul-mouthed swine,’ retorted the lady indignantly. ‘In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!’
‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.’

207 The Single Life
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout says, ‘You must be single!’
The guy sarcastically says, ‘Gee, how did you guess?’
The girl at the checkout says, ‘Because you're really ugly.’

208 Kindergarten frog
A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.
‘Dead,’ she was informed.
‘How do you know?’ she asked.
‘Because I pissed in his ear,’ said the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ squealed the teacher in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went 'Pssst.' He didn't move.’

209 Polish magician
A Polish magician asks for a volunteer from the crowd. As the man steps up on stage, the magician hands him a sledge hammer, saying: ‘When I lay my head on this block, I want you to hit the top of my head as hard as you can.’
The volunteer agrees and, as soon as the magician gives the signal, he raises the sledge hammer and brings it down on the magicians head, caving it in! Blood flies everywhere and fragments of bone and brain splatter the wall behind him! The paramedics are called in and the magician is taken to the hospital where he lay in a coma for ten solid years until one morning, his eyes flutter and his fingers start to wiggle. He seems to be trying to say something!
The doctors all rush in and watch as the magician's movements become more pronounced. Finally, with great effort, the magician raises both his arms, opens his eyes, smiles, and says, in a weak and trembling voice: ‘Ta-daaa...’

210 Political Jokes
Political speeches are like a steer:
A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

The bad news is that the government is predicting a big recession.
The good news is that the government hasn't been right yet.

211 Brain Transplant
The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.
‘You have your choice of two brains,’ he told the patient, ‘For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.’
The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price.
‘Is the brain of a politician that much better?’ he asked.
The Brain Surgeon replied, ‘No, it's not better, just unused.’

212 A Natural Process
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.’
I have just the thing,’ says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ‘Just place this between your cheek and gum.’
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, ‘And what if I swallow it?’
‘No problem,’ says the barber, ‘just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.’

213 Kisses Missus
Q) What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A) One kisses the Mrs and the other misses the kisses.

214 Birthing Rights
Kobe Bryant and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Kobe had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, he felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
Kobe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. He continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, Kobe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and Kobe were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found Shaq dead on their porch.

215 The Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's
any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the
phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ‘What the heck did you put on this pizza?’
The delivery man bows deeply and says, ‘We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.’

216 Sex Education
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, ‘I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.’
‘Very good, William,’ said the teacher.
‘My mommy had a baby,’ said little Esther.
‘Oh, that's nice,’ replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
‘I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.’
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, ‘And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?’
‘It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.’

217 Captured
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, ‘You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?’
The cowboy says, ‘I want to see my horse.’
The Indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass.
The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, ‘Typical white man - can only think of one thing.’
The second day, the chief says, ‘What your wish today?’
The cowboy says, ‘I want to see my horse again.’
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, ‘Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.’
The last day comes, and the chief says, ‘This your last wish, white man. What you want?’
The cowboy says, ‘I want to see my horse again.’
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, ‘Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!’

218 First Time
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
‘You might be,’ she says. ‘Your face looks familiar.’

219 The Head
In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of West Virginia, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, a Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

220 The Great Outdoorsmen
Two NBA basketball officials were enjoying a walk through the woods during the off-season. One of them came across a pair of tracks.
‘You know I used to be an avid hunter, and my father would take me out in the woods to track animals every winter. From my experience I would say that these are definitely deer tracks.’
‘Deer tracks? No way. I used to hunt too, and these are definitely bear tracks. There's no question about it,’ the other ref argued.
The two were looking closer at the tracks to figure out exactly what they were when a train hit them.

221 Climb The Ladder To Success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
‘Screw me or climb the ladder to success,’ she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
‘Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,’ she said.
‘Well,’ thought the man, ‘might as well carry on.’
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady.
‘Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,’ she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
‘Have your way with me here and now or climb the ladder to success,’ she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound man, hair flowing out from his massive, scabby armpits, flies buzzing around his head.
‘Who the fuck are you?’ the climber asked.
‘Hello’ said the ugly fat man, ‘I'm Cess!’

222 The Bartender
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
‘I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.’
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
‘I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,’ the bartender said. ‘My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come.’ The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back.
‘Did you do what I suggested?’ the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
‘I certainly did,’ the man said. ‘I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.’
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
‘The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good,’ he spluttered.
‘On the contrary,’ the man said,’ he's done me a world of good.’
‘But you just threw the wine in my face again!’ the bartender exclaimed.
‘Yes’ the man said, ‘but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!’

223 Odd Question
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, ‘Does this look natural?’

224 Murphy's Laws For Athletes
The referee will always be looking the other way when you are fouled.
The day you skip class to make it to practice on time, the coach will be sick.
The coach will only use you during demonstrations for tackling technique.
If you have injured a player, that player's father will be a lawyer.
After a magnificent play, you will trip on your way back to the bench.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your big game.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before you are supposed to enter the game, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom just after the kick off.

225 Breaking Wind
An English businesswomen explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind. At board meetings, during interviews, in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control.
‘But at least I'm fortunate in two respects,’ she told her doctor, ‘they neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you.’
The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her.
‘What's this?’ she queried, reading the prescription. ‘Nasal drops?’
‘Yes,’ replied the doctor. ‘First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing.’

226 Bad Breath
A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing.
What she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odour; if the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew she would be gone.
The two dated, with she practically holding her breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry, she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem.
On their wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. ‘I have a confession to make,’ she said.
He turned his head, gagging, and said, ‘Don't tell me. You ate my socks.’

227 Jealousy
Two relief pitchers are sitting in the bullpen during a slow baseball game. They were waiting for their call to start warming up, but it seemed like it wouldn't come.
So they did what every group of guys would do in a situation like this. First they started scratching themselves, and then they started talking about cars, sex, and hunting.
‘I just bought a new Porsche,’ one said.
‘I love my jaguar,’ the other said.
‘I had sex with a different woman every night during our last road trip.’
‘Me too.’
‘I just got two new hunting dogs, but I've got a problem with one of them.’
‘What's that?’
‘He won't stop licking himself. All he does is lick and lick, and then he comes over and expects me to let him lick my hand.’
‘What's wrong with the licking? I'd give anything in the world to do that.’
‘Well, if you did he'd probably bite you.’

228 7-10 Split
A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy her some cigarettes.
So he walked down to the store, only to find it closed. He went into a nearby bar to get cigarettes from the vending machine. At the bar he noticed a beautiful woman and he started talking to her. They had a couple of drinks, one thing led to another, and they ended up in her apartment.
After they had their fun he realized it was 3 a. M.
‘Oh no,’ he said ‘It's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?’
She gave him some talcum powder, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home.
His furious wife was waiting for him in the doorway.
‘Where the hell have you been? I was about to call the police.’
‘Well honey, it's like this. I went to the store, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there, and we had a few drinks, and one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her.’
‘Oh yeah? Let me see your hands.’ She saw that his hands were covered with powder.
‘You liar! You went bowling again.’

229 The Translation Impaired...
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting.’ Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a hearing impaired person for the job; reasoning that if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the hearing-impaired collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia boss soon realizes that the protection money is missing, and sends some of his hoods after the hearing impaired collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia hoods drag the guy to a sign-language interpreter.
One of the hoods says to the interpreter: ‘Ask him where the money is!’
The interpreter signs: `where's the money? `

The hearing-impaired man signs to the interpreter: `I don't know what they're talking about.`
The interpreter tells the hood: ‘He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.’
The Mafia hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the hearing impaired collector: ‘NOW ask him where the money is!’
The interpreter signs: `where is the money?’
The hearing-impaired man signs to the interpreter: `the $40,000 is in a tree stump at the entrance to Central Park.
`The interpreter's eyes light up and he says to the Mafia hood: ‘He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and he doesn't think you have the balls to pull that trigger.’

230 The Bar
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, ‘You look great!’
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, ‘No really, you look terrific.’
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, ‘Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!’
He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
‘Hey,’ the guy calls to the bartender, ‘What's with the nuts?’
‘Oh,’ the bartender answers, ‘They're complimentary.’

231 Politicians
How are politicians and dirty diapers alike?
They both need frequent changing, and for the same reason.

232 Captain Bravo
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ‘Bring me my red shirt.’ The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: ‘Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?’
The captain replied: ‘If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid.’ All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: ‘Get me my brown pants.’

233 Twelve Monks
The Monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up nude in the garden while a naked woman danced before them.
Each Monk had a small bell attached to his penis, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The naked woman danced before the first Monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final Monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he stepped forward and bent over to pick up the bell... And eleven other bells began to ring!

234 Telling Lies
Three men go duck hunting one day. Two of them are inundated with stories from the third about his ‘great’ duck hunting abilities.
After a few hours the first two men have bagged a couple of ducks each, but the braggart hasn't taken a shot. They question him on this, so he agrees to show his shooting abilities at the next opportunity.
A few moments later, one lone duck comes flying by. As promised, the braggart stands up and squeezes off one shot. The duck keeps flying!
‘Gentlemen, you have just witnessed a miracle,’ says the braggart pointing at the receding duck, ‘for there flies a dead duck.’

235 An Expensive Room
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
‘The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,’ explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, ‘But we didn't use it!’
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
‘But sir,’ he says, ‘this check is only made out for $100.’
‘That's right,’ says the man. ‘I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.’
‘But I didn't!’ exclaims the manager.
‘Well,’ the man replies, ‘she was here, and you could have.’

236 15 Minutes of Fame
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
‘Did I miss much of the second act?’ he asked.
‘Miss it?’ she said, ‘You were starring in it!’

237 Bear Chase
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing?’
His pal says, ‘I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.’
The second guy says, ‘Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear.’
The first guy says, ‘I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you.’

238 An Elderly Gent
An elderly gent wants sex and a friend recommends that he come to an arrangement with one of the old girls in the old peoples home. The old guy chats to the one he fancies and they strike a bargain. He can have sex for $100.
Afterwards the old guy says ‘Hey, that was great. If I'd known you were a virgin I'd have paid $200!’
The old girl replies ‘If you'd paid $200 I'd have taken my tights off!’

239 Your Attention Please
A sports fan came home from the bar after a horrible game. His wife has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, ’Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?’
‘Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done.’
‘Nope, try again.’
‘Oh, uh, you bought a new dress.’
‘Nope, keep trying.’
‘You got your nails done.’
‘Nope, try again.’
‘I give up, my team lost and I'm in a bad mood. I don't have time to guess what's different about you.’
‘I'm wearing a gas mask!’

240 Muddy Field
One evening, a man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes, the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, ‘What in the world was that?’
The man says, ‘Touchdown. I'm ahead, seven to nothing.’
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.
The man says to her, ‘What was that?’
The wife replies, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard that he soils the sheets.
The wife asks, ‘Now what in the world was that?’
He replies, ‘Half time. Switch sides.’

241 The Exam
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question.
‘For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.’
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued.
‘For 95 points, which tire was it?’

242 Telegraph Pole
A small girl walked into a big school.
It was her first day there, and she was a little afraid.
The day went fine though, and as she walked out of the school grounds, a boy in her class told her that if she climbed up a telegraph pole, he'd give her $1. She did so, collected her money, and went home.
She told her Mother about it, to which she replied: ‘That boy is only trying to see your underwear, don't do it again.’
The next day, she met the boy again, and he said that he would give her $2 this time. She did so, even after her mother's warnings, and went home.
She told her Mother about it, to which she replied: ‘That boy is only trying to see your underwear, don't do it again.’
The next day, the girl did the same thing, but this time for $3. When she got home, her Mother asked her: ‘I hope you didn't climb up that pole again, that boy is only trying to look at your underwear.’
The little girl answered: ‘But this time, I tricked him. I didn't wear any underwear.’

243 End Of The World
Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine, two pitchers for the Atlanta Braves were being interviewed. The interviewer was asking questions concerning the two's relationship.
‘So you two know everything about each
other right?’
‘Yeah, we can tell when the other is in a slump or having trouble with pitches.’
‘Well, I want to know what you guys would do if you knew that you only had 30 minutes to live?’
Greg Maddux thought about it for a second, ‘I would make love with the first thing that moved.’
‘What would you do Tom?’
‘I would stand still for half an hour.’

244 Get pregnant
A woman goes to her doctor and asks, ‘can someone get pregnant from anal intercourse?’
The doctor replies, ‘why yes, where do you think lawyers come from?’

245 Slogans
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
‘Joe,’ he asked, ‘which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?’
Joe answered the correct airline.
‘Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, ‘Don't leave home without it?’
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
‘Now John, Tell me who has the slogan, 'Just do it'?’ and John answered, ‘mom.’

246 The Circumcision
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his pants unzipped.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom,’ she says.
‘I did,’ he says, ‘and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.’

247 Coaching Staff
Recently, a friend of mine was watching a segment on television about women tennis players being groped by their coaches.
After hearing that, my friend began to think that maybe he should start coaching women's tennis.
Oh sure, he knows nothing about coaching tennis, but he thinks that he could feel his way through it.

248 Take Me Out To Ball Game
Take me out to the ball game
Take me out with the crowd.
Pay 20 bucks for a beer and cracker jacks
Stand in line at the toilets
I don't think I'll ever get back
To root, root, root for the home team
The demands of the free agent are a shame
Because it's 10, 20, 30 million they want
Just to play the old ball game.

249 The Concorde Pilots
Did you hear that one of the Concorde pilots asked the other if he was going home after his shift?
Apparently, he said: ‘No, I'm just gonna crash at the hotel.’

250 Compton Quickie
Why shouldn't you hit a Lakers fan on a bike?
It's could be your bike.

251 The Car Accident
A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.
Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
The note read: ‘ Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not.’

252 Off to See the Wizard
The last four U. S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
‘WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?’
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: ‘I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.’
‘No problem’ says the Wizard, ‘WHO IS NEXT?’
Ronald Reagan steps forward, ‘Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain.’
‘Done,’ says the Wizard, ‘who comes next before the Great Wizard?’
Up steps George Bush sadly, ‘I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.’
‘I've heard it's true,’ says the Wizard, ‘consider it done.’
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, ‘WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?’
‘Is Dorothy around?’

253 The Fire Engine
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Johnny Nasty was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, ‘That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.’
‘Yeah,’ Johnny replied, ‘but then I wouldn't have a siren.’

254 The Photo
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, ‘Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?’
The man replies, ‘Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.’

255 Roving Eye
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
From across the room, their waitress noticed the man begin to slowly slide down in his chair, while the woman remained unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair, and went out of sight under the table and tablecloth. The woman continued to remain calm and unruffled.
The waitress was unable to contain her curiosity.
She went over to the table and said to the woman, Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.’
The woman calmly replied, ‘No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door.’

256 Four People
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was this important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when actually nobody asked anybody.

257 Polarski
There was this professional football player named ‘Polarski.’ Well, one day he said to his wife ‘Honey, I'm not going to the game today. All I ever do is warm the bench, I never get a chance to play. The hell with it,’ he said. ‘I'm going to stay home and watch the game on TV.’
His wife replied to him ‘Well, if you don't go, I'll go for you.’
He said ‘Well, damn it, go ahead.’ So she did. There she was at the game, but nobody recognized her because she had on the helmet, uniform, and pads. And of course, the husband was sitting home in his recliner watching the game.
All of a sudden a player got hurt on the field, so the coach yelled out ‘Polarski, get out there.’ The play starts and she runs her pass route, catches the ball, and runs like hell. BANG, She gets tackled by 8 guys. She was carried off the field on a stretcher. Of course her husband saw this on TV.
He rushed to the locker room to check on her. He opened the door and the coach was pushing on her breast, saying, ‘Don't worry Polarski, as soon as I push your balls back where they belong your pecker should pop right back out.’

258 The Inn-Counter
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.’

259 Blackboard
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class. The next day, she went into the room and she noticed in larger letters written across the board, the word 'PENIS.' Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:
‘Hey, teacher, don't you know the more you rub it, the bigger it gets.’

260 Friends
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.
‘You are in luck,’ said the surgeon, ‘I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.’
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, ‘I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.’
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.
‘Legs are harder,’ said the surgeon, ‘but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours.’
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, ‘I finished early - John's playing football.’
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50-meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
‘Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,’ the surgeon muttered, ‘but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours.’
Sam returned in 12 hours.
‘How did it go, Doc?’ he asked.
‘I'm sorry. John died,’ the surgeon replied.
He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!’

261 Password
I was helping someone set up his computer, and when we came to a screen where he needed to enter a password, his rebellious attitude kicked in.
He keyed in the word, ‘penis.’
The program quickly replied, *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

262 Ice Cube
Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks.
One got a curious look on his face and asked, ‘Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?’
Pete replied ‘Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years.’

263 A Lakers Joke
What is the difference between normal life on the streets of LA and life after a Lakers win?
Not much.

264 The Escapist
It was the bottom of the ninth inning during the American League Championship Series. The Chicago White Sox were in the field and the Yankees were up to bat. The White Sox led by one, but the closer was struggling.
He walked the first batter, and then got a full count with the next. The deciding pitch was called and he started his rotation. The ball soared in the strike zone and the batter connected. There was no question that it was a home run, the Yankees won.
A huge crowd turned out at the airport to welcome back the team, but the crowd turned ugly when they saw the pitcher. He left the airport and went to a scheduled interview.
The reporter asked him, ‘Did you feel like the crowd was behind you?’
‘They were right behind me all right’ said the pitcher, ’But I managed to shake them off at the corner!’

265 Cabbie
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, ‘Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you and who do you think paid for our new boat…he did!’
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, ‘What would you do in a case like this?’
The cabbie smiled, and said, ‘I'd cover him up before he catches cold.’

266 Holiday in Pakistan
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop.’
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ‘I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.’ Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you into a sex freak?’ The Pakistani man replied, ‘Just try dem on, Saiheeb.’
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming ‘YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!

267 Sick Leave
A man walked into his office, when his boss stuck his head in the door, and asked, ‘I thought you called in sick yesterday.’
‘I was sick.’
‘But when I saw you at the racetrack you looked fine to me.’
The employee responded, ‘You didn't see me after the fifth race.’

268 Talking Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
The bartender says, ‘Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here, don't you see the sign. It says no dogs allowed.’
The guy says, ‘But my dog isn't like other dogs, he can talk.’
The bartender says, ‘Oh yeah, well prove it, and I'll let you and the dog stay.’
The guy says, ‘Ok, watch this.’ He bends down to his dog and says, ‘Hey Rover, what is over our heads?’
The dog says ‘RRRRooooFFFF.’
The bartender shakes his head and says, ‘Get out of here.’
The guy says, ‘No wait, watch this. Rover, who is the greatest baseball player in the world?’
The dog says, ‘RRRRuuuuFFFF.’
The bartender says, ‘You've got to be kidding me’, and kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar. The guy and his dog leave the bar and start walking down the street when the dog looks up at his owner and says, ‘Gee, I blew it. Maybe I should have said DiMaggio.’

269 One Man Show
The Redskins are having a meeting on the eve of a game with the Bears.
The coach says, ‘Look guys, I know the Bears suck, but we have to play them or else we get in trouble with the NFL.’
Brad Johnson, the quarterback peps up, ‘I've got an idea why don't you guys all go down to the local bar and let me play them on my own? They’re such a bad team it shouldn't be a problem.’
‘Brilliant Idea, Brad!’ the coach says, ‘let's do that!’
On the day of the game, the team is in the pub, and the coach decides to check the score. He turns on the television and the announcer says:
‘It's the Redskins 7 and the
Bears 0 at the end of the 1st quarter.’
The team cheers. At six the coach decides to check the final score.
The announcer comes on again.
‘I can't believe this the Bears have scored on the last play of the fourth quarter and converted the two points to win 8 to 7.’
‘What the hell went wrong?!’ cries the coach.
They all leave the bar and jump into taxis to get back to the stadium.
They rush in to find Johnson sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
‘Well, Brad, what the happened?’ asks the coach.
Brad shakes his head.
‘It was all under control,’ he says, ‘everything was great. Then I was injured and had to come out of the game in the 2nd quarter...’

270 Hiking
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found a huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: ‘If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!’
Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this. He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him.
What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever.

271 The Cowboy And The Genie
A cowboy was walking across the beach by the ocean when he stumbled upon a small vase.
He picked up the vase and shook it, and out popped a genie. The genie said ‘I am really not lost but I will grant you one wish for your troubles.’
The cowboy thought and said that he would like a hi-way built from Wyoming to Hawaii so he could ride his horse to Hawaii. The genie thought and said ‘ that would take years and lots of dirt and pavement, is there anything else you might want?’
The cowboy thought and said ‘yes, I want to understand women.’
Then the genie replied, ‘would that hi-way be two or four lanes?’

272 A Field Trip
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
‘I guess you must be in the fifth,’ she said.
‘No ma'am,’ he replied, ‘I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow!’

273 The Clone
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
‘My fellow scientists,’ he began.
But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, ‘He's an ASSHOLE!.’
The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to ‘Sit down and shut-up!’ Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, ‘My fellow scientists...’
Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, ‘This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!.’
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, ‘We are going to have to arrest you.’
The scientist replied, ‘For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.’
The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
‘Well,’ retorted the police chief, ‘we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged.’
The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for ‘Making an obscene clone fall....’

274 Headache
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, ‘What's this for?’
‘This is for your headache,’ he says.
She says, ‘But I don't have a headache.’
He smiles and says, ‘Yippee.’

275 Dance
A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar.
‘Do you want to dance?’ asks the man.
‘I don't care much for this song and wouldn't be caught dead dancing with you anyway,’ snips the woman.
‘Oh, excuse me, you must have misunderstood -- I said you look FAT in those pants!!’

276 The Erotic Nightly Ritual...
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of ‘Good Nights’ she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, ‘She's taking off her blouse!’ and this was echoed down the stack ‘Taking off her blouse,’ ‘She's taking off her blouse,’ ‘Blouse is coming off,’ ‘Taking off her blouse,’ etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, ‘She's taking off her skirt,’ which was followed by the echoes ‘Taking off her skirt,’ ‘She's taking off her skirt,’ ‘Skirt's coming off,’ ‘Taking off her skirt,’ etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, ‘She's taking off her bra!’ and the echo chorus went down the line: ‘She's taking off her bra!’ ‘She's taking off her bra!’ ‘She's taking off her bra!’ etc.
Then Grumpy said, ‘She's taking off her panties!’ which again cascaded down the dwarf tower: ‘She's taking off her panties!’ ‘She's taking off her panties!’ ‘She's taking off her panties!’ ‘She's taking off her panties!’ etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, ‘Someone's coming!’
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, ‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Me too.’

277 I Got Rhythm
Two retired men were fishing in a skiff in the local pond. The two weren't haven't much luck, but were enjoying the weather. One of the men decided to check his bait. As he was putting a new worm on his hook he looked over to his friend, who adjusted his feet.
‘Cletus,’ the man said, ‘that is the second time you moved your feet in the last hour. Now did you come here to fish or to dance?’

278 Sunbather
A man is walking along the beach when he notices a girl with no arms or legs sunbathing by the waters edge. Feeling sorry for her, he stops for a chat. After getting acquainted, the man notices that the girl is very unhappy.
‘What’s the matter my dear?’ he says.
She replies, ‘I’m 21 and I’ve never been kissed!’
So with that, the man leans over and kisses the girl.
Seeing that she is still unhappy, he asks again: ‘What's wrong?’
And this time she replies: ‘I’m 21 and I’ve never been fucked!’
And with that, the man replies: ‘Well dear, you're definitely fucked now, because the tide is coming in!’

279 2 Inches
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.’
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: ‘Just so you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey.’

280 Wheelchair
Q: What do you call an HIV-positive man in a wheelchair?
A: ROLL-AIDS!

281 French Open
There once was a tennis player named Kournikova
For whom many hockey players fought over
There was Bure and Federov
But she was forced to call it off
Coz her mom said ‘You're 18, wait 'til you're older!’

282 Snail's Pace
An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door.
He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, ‘Hey, down here.’
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
‘Hey,’ the snail asked, ‘how about a drink?’
The angry bartender snarled, ‘First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails.’
And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door.
He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
‘You know,’ the snail said, ‘you didn't have to kick me.’

283 ‘Once A Sailor, Always A Sailor.’
Sophie was marrying the sailor Jim Connor, the son of the famous America's Cup captain Dennis Connor. Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten her shoes. Panic set in until her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small, and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Jim withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Connor family crowded around the door to the bedroom, hearing roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises, and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Jim say, ‘God, that was tight.’
Then, to their surprise, they heard Jim say, ‘Right. Now for the other one.’ Following was more grunting and straining, and at last he said, ‘My God, that was even tighter.’
‘That's my boy,’ said Dennis Connor. ‘Once a sailor, always a sailor.’

284 College Rivalry
One day a teacher asked her class, ‘How many of you like the Hawkeyes?’
All of the class raised their hands except for one little girl.
The teacher asked, ‘If you don't like the Hawkeyes, who do you like?’
The little girl said, ‘I like the Cyclones!’
The teacher then asked her why she liked the Cyclones.
The girl replied, ‘My Mommy is a Cyclone and my Daddy is a Cyclone so that makes me a Cyclone!’
The teacher then asked,’ Well, if your Mommy was a moron and your Daddy was a moron what would that make you?’
The little girl said,’ That would make me a Hawkeye!’

285 Getting To Know You
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don't know anything about each other.’
‘That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.’
So she consented, and they were married. They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten- meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, ‘That was incredible!’
He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.’
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.’

286 Hunting Bait
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken-wire.
His father said, ‘Son, where are you going?’
The son replied, ‘I'm going to catch me some chickens.’
The father said, ‘Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.’
But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand.
The father thought, ‘I guess he knows what he's doing.’
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, ‘Son, where are you going?’
The son replied, ‘I'm going to catch some ducks.’
The father yelled, ‘You can't catch ducks with duck tape!’
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.
The father thought, ‘Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!’
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, ‘Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!’

287 A Rich Cheater
There was this couple who had just gotten married. On the honeymoon the husband placed a box under their bed he says to his wife, ‘Honey as long as we are married never ever look in this box.’ Being the good wife she was she obeyed him and did not look in the box. After 15 years of marriage she never looked in the box. Until one day she could not take it she had to look in the box or she was going to go crazy. So she looked in the box all that was in there were three cans and a thousand dollars. Later that night at dinner she looked at her husband and said ‘hon’, I looked in you box the one under the bed.’
‘Oh,’ said the husband.
‘Why are there three cans in your box?’ asked the wife.
‘Dear, every time I cheated on you I put a can into the box’ replied the husband.
‘And the thousand dollars?’ questioned the wife.
‘Well you see when the box got full I had to recycle.’

288 12’ pianist
A guy goes into a bar and sits down and orders.
He takes a 12’ man out of his pocket, and the little man starts to play a little piano just his size.
The bartender says to the man, ‘Wow, that's so neat, how did you get him?’
The guy says, ‘I have this magic lamp with a genie in it, and I rubbed it and got to make a wish.’
The bartender says, ‘Wow, that is really neat, Could I try?’
The guy says, ‘Yeah, but be careful what you wish for.’
The bartender says, ‘Ok. No problem.’ The guy takes out the lamp and the bartender rubs it, and sure enough out comes the genie. ‘I will give you one wish,’ says the genie.
The bartender thinks long and hard then says, ‘Well, I want a million bucks.’ POOF a million ducks appear.
The bartender says, ‘Hey wait a minute. I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.
The guy looks at the bartender and says, ‘Hey I didn't ask for a 12’ pianist either!!!’

289 Teenage Daughters
Three good ol' boys were talking about their teenage daughters.
The first says: ‘I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!’
The second says: ‘That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a
half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!’
With that the third says: ‘Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!’

290 Foul?
During the high school basketball championship the visiting team was continually fouling the home team, but the referees weren't making the calls.
Belligerent, the home coach kept losing his temper and screaming at the refs. They warned him several times that if he didn't keep his mouth shut he would be given a technical foul.
‘How could you give me a technical foul for speaking?’ the coach asked.
‘Easily’ the ref retorted and called the coach for a foul.
Later during a timeout the captain of the team says to the ref, ‘My coach wants to know if there is a foul for thinking like there is for speaking.’
The ref says, ‘No.’
The captain says, ‘Well my coach thinks you're an a**hole, then.’

291 Not The Brightest Bulb On The Tree.
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime.
They're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell.
He comes out and says, ‘I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.’
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids.
He says ‘It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.’
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets…
‘Anybody got a match?’

292 A Prostitute
Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal.
‘You guys can pay by the inch.’
When Rich comes back out his friends ask, ‘How much did she charge you?’
‘$75 dollars,’ said Rich with a wink and a smile.
Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several ‘high fives.’
The first two were proud of their prowess. Michael goes in and returns.
‘How much did she charge you?’ asks Rich.
‘$20 dollars,’ replies Michael.
Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.
‘I should be laughing at YOU guys,’ replied Michael, ‘I saved a bundle by paying on the way out instead of on the way in!’

293 Dogs Mating
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
‘What are they doing, Grandma?’ asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, ‘The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.’
‘Oh... Dogs are just like people, aren't they Grandma?’
‘How do you mean?’ asked the Grandma.
To which the little girl replied: ‘Offer someone a helping hand, and they screw you every time!’

294 Brittany Spears
Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, Brittany Spears, and Dumb Brittany Spears were walking along together.
There was a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who picked it up?
........... Dumb Brittany spears. All the rest don't exist!

295 This Little Piggy...
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, ‘Boss, I've got a problem.
I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck.
He's still wriggling - what should I do?''
‘In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.’
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
‘Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.’
‘So what's the problem now?’ his Boss snapped.
‘The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!’

296 Another Genie, Another 3 wishes...
This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when ‘poof’ a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes.
‘I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, ‘ says the guy.
‘Guy,’ the genie said, ‘You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates.
What's your second wish.’
‘Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.’
‘That's easy, Guy,’ says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that.
The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
‘Genie,’ the guy said, ‘I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.’
‘Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready,’ and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
‘Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ....’

297 Gym Shorts
Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the McDonald's coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.

What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.

How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.

298 Making Out
This guy and girl were making out and all of a sudden the girl stops and says to the guy ‘I think I just swallowed your gum’
He replies ‘no, I was just clearing my throat’

299 Wild Sex Positions
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions:
One says ‘I enjoy the rodeo position the best.’
‘I don't think I have ever heard of that one’, says the other cowboy, ‘what is it?’
‘Well, it's when you get your girlfriend down on all fours, mount her from behind, reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands.’
‘That's it?’
Nope, then you lean over and whisper in her ear, ‘Wow these feel just like your sister's’, then try to hold on for eight seconds.’

300 Horse And Buggy
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
‘Ma'am,’ said the cop, ‘I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy.’
‘Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,’ responded the Amish lady.
‘That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse.
Have your husband take care of that right away!’ instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
‘Well, dear, what exactly did he say?’ asked Jacob.
‘He said the reflector is broken,’ replied the lady.
‘I can fix that in two minutes. What else?’ wondered Jacob.
‘I'm not sure, Jacob... Something about the emergency brake.’..

301 Three Hand Grenades
Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.
‘What if one of them explodes before we get there?’ asks Clem.
‘Don't worry about it,’ says Bubba.
‘We'll just lie and tell them we only found two.’

302 The Train
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... Just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
‘Look... Lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!’
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in.
‘What,’ he says, ‘are you doing here!?!’
The manager calmly replies, ‘Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?’

303 The Prayer
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D. C. And, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

304 A Quickie... Pass It On!
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says - ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!!
Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?
She says, ‘I don't care. Just get the hell out.’

305 A little poke at the Dentists and their patients:
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.
Assistant: Why don't you marry her?
Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.

Dentist: Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures.
Patient: Okay doc, but don't forget to send your bill to the other man.

When a new dentist set up in a small town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of ‘Painless’ dentist. But a local lad quickly disputed this.
‘He's a fake ! ‘ he told his mates. ‘He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else!’

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

A patient asked the dentist if it wasn’t nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone's mouth.
The dentist answered ‘I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.’

306 Frog Talk
What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

307 Two Boobs
What do you get when you put Dolly Parton, President Clinton, and Al Gore in the same room?
Two boobs and a country singer.

308 The Kid
A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, ‘Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.’
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, ‘Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet.’

309 The Presidents New Pig
President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A smiling Colonel greets The President,
The conversation went like this: -
Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.
President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.
Colonel: Nice trade Sir!

310 Booger
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, ‘Mom, look at this,’ and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, ‘Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!’ pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,’ What's wrong honey?’
‘Mommy, where's my booger?’

311 Power Of Observation
A policeman pulls a hockey player over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the player over he says, ’Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?’
This upsets the hockey player who says, ‘Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?’

312 Night On The Town
A few of the Alabama football players decide to go to a comedy show after a scrimmage. So they go to see a ventriloquist.
During the show a drunken quarterback stands up and yells ‘HEY YOU! JERK! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!’
‘Relax’ said the ventriloquist, ‘They're just jokes!’
‘I'm not talking to you, sir!’ the quarterback replied ‘I'm talking to that little prick sitting on your knee!’

313 Female Teacher
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, ‘What's so funny Bobby?’
‘Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.’
‘Get out of my classroom,’ she yells, ‘I don't want to see you for three days!’
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, ‘What's so funny Billy?’
‘Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.’
Again she yells, ‘Get out of my classroom!’ This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - ‘I don't want to see you for three weeks!’
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
‘And where do you think you are going?’ she asks.
‘Well teach’, from what I just saw, my school days are over!’

314 Late Night Oral Sex
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home late in the morning. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
‘When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home.’
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, upset at him.
‘Hey, why aren't you sleeping?’ he asks.
‘Well, the couch is pretty uncomfortable since I let my mother sleep in the bedroom.’

315 ‘Tarzan Not Know Sex!’
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
‘Tarzan not know sex,’ he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, ‘Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk.’
Horrified, she said, ‘Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.’ She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘What did you do that for?’
Tarzan replied, ‘Tarzan always check for squirrels.’

316 Man Of The People
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Dave! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
‘Oh no,’ says Dave. ‘He's on my bowling team.’
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ‘You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser.’
‘No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them.’
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
‘Hi Davey,’ she says, ‘Want your usual table dance?’
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ‘Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!’

317 G. W. Bush - The ‘Post Turtle’
(Now you can't say I only pick on Democrats! :)
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said, ‘Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle.’
So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
He said, ‘When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down.’

318 Yes There Is!
My wife came home yesterday and said, ‘Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.’
I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburettor. I thought for a moment, and then said, ‘You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburettor from the accelerator.’
‘No, there's definitely water in the carburettor,’ she insisted.
‘OK Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?’
‘In the lake.’

319 Tailors
At a new shopping complex, by coincidence there were 3 tailors' shops next to each other. By an even greater coincidence, all three tailors were called Goldberg.
The first tailor hung a sign outside his shop which read: Goldberg - Tailor of Distinction.
The second had a bigger sign: Goldberg - Fine Gentlemen's Tailor.
The third had quite a small sign. It said: Goldberg Tailors. Main Entrance.

320 Teed Off
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker -’Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!’
Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - ‘Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!’
Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, ‘Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my third shot!’

321 Talking To The Devil...
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... Seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, ‘Don't you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
Satan asked, ‘Aren't you afraid of me?’
‘Nope, sure ain't,’ said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, ‘Why aren't you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for over 48 years.’

322 The Marriage Proposal.
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village.
They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.
She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
‘Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but.... How's your health?’
‘It's OK’, he answers, ‘I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.’
‘Well, then’, she replies ‘I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?’
‘So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.’
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - ‘And how's your sex life....’
‘Infrequent’, he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking...’ Er…is that one word or two?’

323 Mad Cow
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
‘Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?’
‘Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?’
‘Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?’
‘And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?’
‘Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?’
‘Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?’

324 Siren
A boy was riding along the street in a home-made cart pulled by a dog with a rope attached to the dog's genitals. On the side of the cart the boy had written ‘POLICE.’
A passer-by watched with interest. When the cart stopped, he told the boy: ‘You know, your police car would go faster if you tied the rope around the dog's neck.’
‘I know,’ said the boy, ‘but I wouldn't get the cool siren.’

325 The Feuding Farmers.
There were two neighbouring farmers who wouldn't stop feuding.
One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the others field.
Climbing over the fence he's stopped by farmer #2 who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.
After much arguing, farmer #2 states he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.
He explains that the method involves taking turns kicking each other in the groin until one gives up.
Farmer #1 reluctantly agrees. Farmer #2 states that since they are on his land, he will go first.
Farmer #1 stands with legs apart and hands on hips while farmer #2 takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer #1 into the air.
After ten minutes writhing on the ground Farmer #1 gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.
Farmer #2 turns and walks away saying ‘I give! You keep the duck!’

326 The Mind May Be Willing....
A man is told by his doctor to take on some sport, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing
‘It's going fine’, the manager says, ‘When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!.’
‘Really? What happens then?’, the girl asks enthusiastic.
‘Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!’

327 Morals For Civil Engineers To Remember.
Once upon a time, a non-conforming sparrow decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end.
But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Being in the shit is not always a bad thing.
2. Someone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
And
3. If you are in the shit, then for gods sake keep quiet about it!

328 Bar Chick
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
‘Are you the manager?’ she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
‘Actually, no’ the man replies.
‘Can you get him for me?’ she asks.
‘I need to speak to him,’ she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
‘I'm afraid I can't’, breathes the bartender.
‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,’ she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
‘What should I tell him?’ the bartender manages to say.
‘Tell him’, she whispers, ‘There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.’

329 A New Lion Tamer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
One is a good-looking lad in his mid twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, ‘I'm not going to sugar-coat it - - this is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?’
The girl says, ‘I'll go first.’ She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lions' cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.
He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says, ‘I've never seen a display like that in my life.’
He then turns to the young man and asks, ‘Can you top that?’
The young man replies, ‘No problem, just get that stupid lion out of the way!’

330 Bottom Of The 9th
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, ‘Hey! We need to get back!’
‘No need to panic,’ said a fellow bassist, ‘I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled.’
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
‘Well, of course,’ said her companion, ‘don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.’

331 Beware Of Bears
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

332 Biggest Lies In Hockey
1.’Don't worry, my roommate is a really heavy sleeper.’
2.’Honest coach, I only had two beers last night.’
3.’I don't care if I am not scoring, so long as the team is winning.’
4.’Our players never take painkiller injections.’
5.’Don't sweat it, kid -- we're just sending you down to the minors for a few weeks.’

333 Smoke-Inhalation
Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. The
captain walks in and says: ‘What the fuck is going on in here?’
The guy on top replies: ‘Sir, this man is suffering from smoke-inhalation.’
The captain then asks: ‘Why don't you just give him mouth to mouth?’
To which the one on the bottom replies: ‘How do you think this shit got started?’

334 The Rookie Pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
‘I've figured out your problem,’ he told the young southpaw, ‘you always lose control at the same point in every game.’
‘When is that?’
‘Right after the National Anthem.’

335 Make-Up Sex
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, ‘You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.’
‘Well,’ said the other woman,’ that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!’

336 Superman
A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The guy beside him says, ‘See that window over there. Well if you jump out you can fly!
The man says to him, ‘PROVE IT!’ so this guy jumps out of the window and he flies around outside.
‘WOW,’ says the man, so he tries it for himself but drops straight to the floor... SPLAT.
The barman then says to the other guy, ‘SUPERMAN.... You're gonna have to stop doing that, you know’

337 New House
Upon retiring, a couple wanted to move from the city and live a country life-style. They went house hunting in the most secluded area they could find. One listing was a beautiful cottage home being sold by the owner, and they decided to check it out. They were shown the house with its 2 bedrooms and den, kitchen w/breakfast nook, parlour and dining room. When the tour was done, the woman whispered something to her husband, and they both turned back to the owner. The husband mentioned not seeing a bathroom. The owner then said, ‘Oh, yes, walk this way.’.. They left the house through the back door and went down a winding walkway about 50 yards. There, at the end of the walk was an outhouse... It was shabby looking, roof shingles missing, paint totally faded, the door had only one hinge and was hanging oddly, and in the middle of the floor was a bucket. The woman was shocked at the site and said to the owner, ‘My goodness, that looks terrible, so run down. And the door has no lock.’
To which the owner replied ‘no, Ma'am, in all my years living here, no one has ever stolen my bucket!!

338 Don't Ever Hassle The Frog.
There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks ‘frog, will you marry me?’
The frog says ‘no’ And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, ‘Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big.’ So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: ‘Frog, will you marry me?’ Frog: ‘No, I won't marry you.’
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: ‘Frog, will you marry me?’
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!

339 A Frog Loan
A frog went to his local Bank to ask for some money to repair his fishpond, went up to the Teller, a Miss Patti Wack, and explained the situation.
She said, ‘We will need some security before we give you a loan of some money. What can you offer as Security.’
The frog said, ‘My father is Mick Jagger, if that helps.’
The teller replied that it didn’t really help and that she needed something material.
The frog then offered her an antique ornamental piggy bank and asked, ‘Will that do?’
‘Wait here a minute, I'll go get the manager.’
When she returned with the bank manager, she explained the situation, just as the frog had, gave his identity and what he had offered as security.
The bank manager replied

The bank manager replied…

wait for it…

The bank manager replied…

here it comes…

almost there…

A bit further…

Are you ready for it…

Here it comes…

here it is…

The bank manager replied:-

‘It’s a knick knack, Patti Wack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’

340 Smart Dog
First woman: ‘My dog is so smart that every morning he waits for the paper to come round and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.’
Second woman: ‘I know.’
First woman: ‘How?’
Second woman: ‘My dog told me.’

341 Touchy Feely
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, ‘Springbok.’ Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, ‘And it was shot with a .22 rifle.’ He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, ‘Kalahari Lion.’ Fingering the bullet hole, he added, ‘The rifle was a .308.’ He was right again!
This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, ‘Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight.
So where did I get this black eye?’
His wife replied angrily, ‘From me!’
‘What did I do?’ he asked.
She replied, ‘You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'‘

342 The Mighty Moose-Stafa
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, ‘Okay, let's get out and get him.’
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, ‘The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?’
The guy in the front says, ‘Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.’

Dear Taxmen/women:
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ‘Presidential Election Fund,’ as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a 1.5-inch screw.(See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 each 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
Joe Taxpayer

344 Fishing Lure
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
‘Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!’ the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
‘Well, son,’ said the Game Warden, ‘you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!’
‘Yes, sir,’ replied the young guy. ‘But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.’

345 Trick Or Treating
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, ‘Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?’
‘We're Jack and Jill’ she replied!
The man says, ‘Wait... You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!’
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.
‘Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?’
‘We're Hansel and Gretel’ says the little boy!
‘Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!’
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.
This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
‘Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!’ he asks.
‘We're M & M's,’ said the little girl, ‘I'm plain. He's with nuts!’

346 85 Year Old Husband
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and old Morris is there again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, ‘I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris.’ Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says,’ I was here already?’

347 Pet Fish
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’
The man replied to the game warden, ‘No, sir. These are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?!’ the warden asked.
‘Yes, sir. Every night I take these ‘ere fish down to the lake & let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take’ em home.’
‘That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!’
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, ‘Here, I'll show you. It really works.’
‘O. K. I've GOT to see this!’ The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.
After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, ‘Well?’
‘Well, What?’ the man responded.
‘When are you going to call them back?’ The game warden prompted.
‘Call who back?’ The man asked.
‘The fish.’ Replied the warden.
‘What fish?’ The man asked.

348 Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.
‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What's the matter?’ asked Little Johnny, ‘giving up?’

349 A Talented Dog
A talent scout walking down the street noticed an accordionist with a singing puppy.
The scout immediately saw the potential of such an act and took them to his office to sign them up.
‘I'll have you playing in Vegas within a month!’ he promised.
But just as they were about to put pen to paper, a big dog marched into the office, picked the puppy by the scruff of it's neck and ran off with him.
‘My act! You've stolen my act!’ screamed the talent scout, ‘what can we do?’
‘Nothing,’ said the accordionist, ‘that was his mother.
She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor!’

350 Accident
A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him.
He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down.
He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.
She is groaning in pain.
She mumbles, ‘I think I'm blind! I think I'm blind!.’
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, ‘How many fingers do I have up?’
‘Oh my God,’ she says, ‘I'm not paralysed too, am I?’

351 The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
Why, of course,’ comes the reply.
The first man then asks, ‘Where are you from?’
‘I'm from Ireland,’ replies the second man.
The first man responds: ‘You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland!’
Curious, the first asks: ‘Where in Ireland?’
‘Dublin,’ comes the reply.
‘I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin!’
The second man can't help himself so he asks, ‘What school did you attend?’
‘Saint Mary's’, replies the first man. ‘I graduated in '62.’
‘This is becoming unbelievable,’ they say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
‘What's up?’ he asks the bartender.
‘Nothing much,’ replied the bartender, ‘The O'Malley twins are drunk again!’

352 Steroids
A female Olympic swimmer was discussing steroid use with one of her team members. She claimed that she was going to cease using steroids because she was growing hair where she had not previously had any. When asked where this hair was growing, she responded ‘On my nuts.’

353 Peanuts & Crackerjacks
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ‘Up nuts!’ And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ‘Down Nuts!’ And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ‘Cheer nuts!’ And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ‘Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'‘

354 Men And Beer And Female Hormones
From the news wire... Scientific proof about men and beer...
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 cans of beer and observed that:
All of them gained weight.
All talked excessively without making sense.
All became emotional and cried for no reason.
All had sudden urges to use the telephone for no reason.
When using the restroom, all of them ask for company.
All failed when asked to do simple checkbook balancing.
All mentioned the words ‘mall’ and ‘shopping’ repeatedly.
... Finally, they all lost the ability to drive but did stop to ask directions.
No further testing is planned.

355 Two Doctors
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading: ‘Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.’
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to: ‘Hysterias and Posteriors.’
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to: ‘Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.’
No go, so they tried...’Catatonics and High Colonics.’
Thumbs down again, so they tried ‘Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.’
STILL not good, so they tried ‘Minds and Behinds.’
Unacceptable again, so they tried ‘Lost Souls and - - - -holes.’
Still no go. Nor did these...
‘Analysis and Anal Cysts’,
‘Queers and Rears’,
‘Nuts and Butts’,
‘Freaks and Cheeks’ or
‘Loons and Moons’ work either.
They finally settled on...’Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends’!

356 Russian submarine
Q: Why do women prefer Russian sailors?
A: Because they're not scared to go down, will bang away for hours, don't mind lying on the wet spot and are still stiff ten days later!

357 Who Wear's The Pants?
A macho jock married a good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules.’I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?’
His new bride said, ‘No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not.’

358 Ok Dad
A man is sitting at the bar enjoying a beer, when the fellow opposite him shouts, ‘Hey, I fucked your mother last night!!!.’
The guy is shocked but ignores him.
A few seconds later the same guy shouts, ‘ Hey, I fucked her REAL good and Hard!!!.’
Again he ignores the comment.
Finally the man shouts, ‘ Yeah, I fucked your mother real good... Up the Shitter!!!’
The man, unable to ignore these insults any further stands up and says ‘Ok Dad, it's time to go home.’

359 Talent Vs. Grades
A college football coach had recruited a talented player who couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated with the dean in his office.
‘Okay,’ the dean said, ‘what is seven times seven?’
The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, ‘I think it's 49.’
Suddenly the coach jumped up.
‘Please, Dean,’ he begged, ‘give him another chance!’

360 The Bottle
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.
The note reads: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers.’
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one a reply. It reads: ‘Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle.’

361 Dog Lies
A man tried to sell his dog to a neighbour...
‘This is a talking dog,’ said the man, ‘and he's yours for only five bucks.’
‘I don't believe you,’ said the neighbour, ‘There's no such thing as a talking dog!’
Just then, the dog looked up dolefully and said: ‘Please buy me, sir.
This man has been cruel to me. He never takes me for a walk, he buys me the cheapest dog food and he makes me sleep in the garage. He doesn't realize what a special dog I am.
I swam the Atlantic two years ago, and went to the North Pole before that.’
‘You're right!’ said the neighbour, ‘This dog can talk. So why are you selling him so cheap?’
The owner replied: ‘Because I'm sick of his lies!’

362 Shooting Beaver
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
‘I've never been better!’ he replies. ‘I've got an eighteen- year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?’
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, ‘Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him.’
‘That's impossible!’ said the old man in disbelief, ‘Someone else must have shot that beaver.’
‘My point, exactly.’

363 The Honeymoon is Over!
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride called her mother immediately.
‘Well, how was the honeymoon?’ asked the mother.
‘Oh mamma!’ she exclaimed. ‘The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!’
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.
‘But mamma ... As soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mamma!’
‘Now Sarah .’ her mother answered, ‘calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?’
‘Please don't make me tell you, mamma,’ wept the daughter, ‘I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mamma!’
‘Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset ... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!’
Still sobbing, the bride replied, ‘Oh, mamma ... He used words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!’

364 Another Cindy special!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says, ‘What are you doing?’
She answers, ‘I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.’
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...’ I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year.’

365 The Sperm Bank
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says ‘But sir, its just a sperm bank!’
‘I don't care, open it now!’ he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says ‘Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!’
She looks at him ‘BUT, they are sperm samples?’
‘DO IT!’
So the nurse sucks it back.
‘That one there, drink that one as well.’
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, ‘See honey - its not that hard.’

366 Times Are Hard
There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, ‘Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it.’..
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, ‘You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together’

367 Jack And Jill Revisited
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom.
So Jill asked Jack to go with her.
Jack said, ‘No, you're my sister, that's gross.’
Jill said, ‘Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me.’
So Jack said okay.
Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill.
They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance.
Jack said, ‘No, you're my sister, that's gross.’
Jill said, ‘Come on. It'll be fun.’
So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.
After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill.
Jack said, ‘No, you're my sister, It would be gross.’
Jill said, ‘We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore.’
So Jack said okay.
They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat.
Jill said, ‘Come on, Jack, take me.’
Jack didn't argue.
When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, ‘You're a lot lighter than dad.’
Jack said back, ‘I know. Mom told me last night.’

368 Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says ‘Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?’
The Doctor says ‘At least wait till he is walking Michael!!’

369 The Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party.
Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.’ Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?’ He replied, ‘I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!’

370 Q&A-2
Q: What's better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A: Her dog is blind too.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: Answering the iron.

Q: How did she burn her other ear?
A: They called back.

371 It Was Spring In The Old West.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
‘Hold on there, partner,’ said the snake, ‘don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.’
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, ‘OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.’
The rattlesnake said, ‘All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.’
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk-house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...’ Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

372 Murphy
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
‘Please Lord,’ he implored, ‘let it be blood!!’

373 Advanced Medicine
An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.’
A German doctor said ‘That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah! We can take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half the country will be looking for work the next day!’

374 The New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -’and how much money do you make a week?’
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ‘I make $200.00 a week. Why?’
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - ‘here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!’
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - ‘does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?’
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - ‘Pizza delivery guy.’

375 Taking Care Of Business
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have you been?’
‘I've been to the sports bar,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you've had quite a few.’
‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’
‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.’

376 Italian boy and Jewish boy
An Italian boy and a Jewish boy, lived about a block apart in the neighbourhood and grew up together.
The Jewish boy was the son of a Jeweller and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man.
Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22 Beretta.
The next day, they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts with each other.
The little Italian boy goes home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased.
‘What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man.
What the hell ya gonna do? Look at your watch and say - 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'

377 Mickey/Minnie Divorce
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the Judge about the separation.
‘I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is insane.’
Mickey replied, ‘I didn't say she was insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!’

378 Clinton
Two of Clinton's sperm are swimming around in Monica, when one of the sperm looks at the other and says,’ Hey I think we are coming close to the ovaries.’
The other sperm looks at the first and says,’ Hey relax we just passed the tonsils.’

379 Cold
I went round to a friend’s house to visit and the first thing I noticed was how cold it was there.
We sat and chatted for a while, listening to her describing how she went to the 'bleeding shops' to get some 'bleeding food' for the 'bleeding kids.’
Then I asked her why the central heating wasn't on.
She said ‘of course the bleedin' central heating was bleedin' on and it had been on all bleedin' day but it wasn't bleedin' working’ and she didn't ‘bleedin' know why.’
I asked her if she had tried bleeding the radiators?
‘Are you taking the bleedin' piss or what?’

380 Calling
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.’
‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.’
‘The problem,’ she complained, ‘is that it wakes me up.’

381 Donkeywoman.
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies’,
I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass’!
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing, and gives the guy his drink. This happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the men’s room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, ‘it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass.
I just had to tell you because I don’t think it's very fair for him to call you that.’
The woman turns to him and smiles and says...’Oh, don’t worry, it's ok - heehaw, heehaw, he always calls me that’!

382 Secretary
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
‘And just where have you been until this hour?’ demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
‘Down at the office,’ he replied, ‘working like a dog.’

383 Olives
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
‘S' cuse me’, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, ‘what was that all about?’
‘Nothin', said the Irishman, ‘my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!’

384 Popping off from the Pulpit!
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.
He started out with a quote, ‘Behold, I cometh.....’ But he couldn't remember the rest of it.
So he tries to regain his composure, backs up an starts again...
‘Behold I cometh...’ But he still couldn't remember.
So he rears back and shouts again, ‘Behold I cometh! ...’ But this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!
Flushed, he starts apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered...’It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!’

385 By The River
A drunk stumbled into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon, down by the river.
He walked down into the water and stood next to the preacher.
The minister turned and noticed the old drunk.
He said, ‘Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk replied, ‘Yeah, Your Honour, I shur am!’
The minister dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up.
‘Have you found Jesus?’ he asked.
‘Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!’ exclaimed the drunk.
The preacher then dunked him under for a bit longer. Bringing him up, he asked, ‘Now brother, have you found Jesus?’
‘Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!’ the drunk slurred again.
Disgusted, the preacher held the man under for over 30 seconds.
This time, when he brought him out of the water, he harshly asked, ‘My good man, have you found Jesus YET?’
The drunk wiped his eyes and replied to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’
*****************************************************************************************************************************************

386 A Sunday Drive
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, ‘If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?’ She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.’Go get help,’ he pleads.
She replies, ‘I can't, I'm naked.’
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, ‘Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road.’
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, ‘Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!’
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, ‘I think it's too late--he's too far in!’

387 Blind Skydiving
A blind man was describing his favourite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: ‘I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.’
‘But how do you know when you are going to land?’ he was asked.
‘I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,’ he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?’ he was again asked.
He quickly answered ‘Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack.’

388 Japanese Banking Crisis
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.
If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news...
We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and the staff there fear they may get a raw deal... Stay tuned...

389 All Gods Animals
God was talking with a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life.
There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant spoke first, ‘Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me.
It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!’
And God said, ‘Don't complain. You can pick up food easily & drink water without getting wet!’
Next the giraffe complained, ‘Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!’
The Lord said, ‘Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a long way!’
Finally, it was the hen's turn and the hen spoke up...
‘Lord, I don't hate to complain, but either let me have a bigger butt or smaller eggs!’

390 Struck Gold
In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:
Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs. Brown-he does.
Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs. Brown-No he isn't.
Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs. Brown--(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs. Brown-I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs. Brown-No, it is quite handy.
Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs. Brown-Almost ten months.
Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs. Brown-He thought he was.
Reporter-Was the work difficult?
Mrs. Brown-It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter-Is the water plentiful?
Mrs. Brown-Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter-Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs. Brown-No, but quite near it.
Reporter-Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs. Brown-Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter-Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs. Brown-No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter-Do you help him?
Mrs. Brown-I do my level best.
Reporter-do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs. Brown-No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter-Can I see the nugget?
Mrs. Brown-Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

391 Biology Class
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up.
‘Not correct, Miss!’ he says.
‘Please explain, Johnny,’ replies the teacher.
‘Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!’, and before he could say ‘FUCK OFF!’, the dog ate him!’

392 The Food Critic...
Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer.
He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.
Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked.
However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub.
He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers there.
So he quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door.
When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the ‘Fish Friar.’
The brother replied, ‘No, I'm the Chip Monk!’

393 We Don't Server Snails...
A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door.
He opened it and looked around, but saw no one.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.
The snail says, ‘Hey Barkeep!... Can you get me a drink?’
‘I'm afraid I can't,’ the bartender said. ‘First of all, we're closed. And second of all, we don't serve snails here!’
With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there's a knock at the door.
He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.
Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells, ‘What the hell did you do THAT for?!!!!!!’

394 Naked Gambler
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, ‘I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.’
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, ‘Momma needs a new pair of pants!’
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
‘YES! I WIN! I WIN!’
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, ‘What did she roll anyway?’
The other answers, ‘I thought YOU were watching!’

395 The Old Chaperone
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.
‘We have come for an examination’ said the young girl.
‘Alright,’ said the doctor, ‘go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.’
‘No, not me’ said the girl, ‘it's my old aunt here.’
‘Very well,’ said the doctor, ‘madam, please stick out your tongue.’

396 Little Johnny does it again!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden he gets the urge to go to the bathroom.
‘Teacher, Teacher... I gotta PEE, I gotta WHIZ real bad!’
‘Now Johnny, responds the teacher. You know that's NOT the proper words to use in this situation! The proper word to use is urinate. Now use the word urinate in a sentence, and I will let you use the restroom.’
Well, you know Little Johnny... Always thinking of ways to get back at those who mess with him. So... His reply is...’Ok Teach... You're an eight.’
‘But if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a Ten!’

397 Bubba and Junior get promoted.
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, ‘Hey, Junior –there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank.’
‘But we's privates,’ protests Junior.
‘NO, we's sergeants now,’ says Bubba, pulling him inside.
‘Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank.’
‘But, we's privates,’ says Junior.
‘You blind, boy!’ says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. ‘We's Sergeants now!’
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
‘You're cute,’ she says, ‘and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel real good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea.’
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, ‘Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gon-o-ria means. If it's good, give me the okay sign.’
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
‘Junior,’ he says, ‘What you give me the okay for?’
‘Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea only affects the privates.’
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, ‘But we is Sergeants now!

398 The First Erection
Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, ‘Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.’

399 Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...
Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin.
Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats.
See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed.
He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition!
Oh good ... Let's tell our enemies ... That's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition. ‘We don't have any bullets and I can't tell you if I'm gay.’

400 Garbage
A man ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘am I too late for the garbage?’
The driver replied, ‘No, jump in!’

401 The Smuggler.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, ‘What's in the bags?’
‘Sand,’ answered Juan.
The guard says, ‘We'll just see about that - get off the bike!’
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure and in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, ‘What have you got?’
‘Sand,’ says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
‘Hey, Buddy,’ says the guard, ‘I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?’
Juan sips his beer and says, ‘Bicycles.’

402 The Great Escape...
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.
He requests that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.
The next week they amputate his other arm and he asks the same thing. The Germans comply.
The next week they amputate one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German doctor replied, ‘Nein, Ve do dis no more!’
The pilot asked why not, and the German answered...’Ve tink you trying to escape!’

403 The Job Test...
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was - ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
Boudreaux says, ‘Dat's easy’ and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, ‘What in the world is that?’
Boudreaux says, ‘Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine.’
‘Fair enough’ says the boss.
‘Second questions, same rules, but represent 99.’
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
‘Der ya go sir,’ he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’
Boudreaux answers, ‘Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99.’
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, ‘All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.’
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, ‘I got it!’
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Der ya go sir - 100.’
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, ‘Ha! got him this time.’
He then tells Boudreaux, ‘Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.’
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, ‘A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got - dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100... When do I start my job?’

404 Kiss it Better?
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, ‘K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better.’
Little Johnny's mother shouts, ‘Don't start your father's shit with me!’

405 Blind Salesman
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know what type to get so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart ‘associate’ wearing dark shades. The woman says, ‘Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’
He says, ‘Ma'am, I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.’
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ‘That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. Test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00.’
She says, ‘That's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for -- so I'll take it.’
As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she's embarrassed, but realizes there's no way he could tell it was her because he's blind and wouldn't know she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale, and says, ‘That will be $25.50.’
She replies, ‘I thought you said it was only $20.00?’
He says, ‘Yes ma'am, $20.00 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50.’

406 Choice Cut Bait
David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.
He had to know The Secret.
‘Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?’ he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed.
‘Well, I am a surgeon, and by accident I found that a human tonsil works very well.’
David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
‘Excuse me,’ asked David, ‘but could you suggest a bait that I could try?’
‘Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix.’
‘Hmm,’ thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more tries.
On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew.
‘Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?’
‘No, I am a Rabbi,’ replied the man.

407 A Happy Biker
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a ‘or sale’ sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
‘This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
‘Well,’ says the seller, ‘it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.’ And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
‘Honey,’ she says, ‘I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
‘Her Mom's kinda cute’, he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: ‘All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes.’

408 Big Leprechauns
A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
‘Sorry,’ says the taller man. ‘I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!’
‘Well,’ says the Leprechaun, ‘That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!’ The taller man says, ‘Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long.’
‘Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!’
‘Gee,’ says the man, ‘I don't know about that…. Aw hell with it, OK!’
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away.
‘Say,’ says the Leprechaun, ‘How old are you, son?’
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, ‘Uh-Uh, Thirty-two...’
‘Imagine that, ‘ says the little man, ‘Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!’

409 The Salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, ‘Have you ever been a salesman before?’
‘Yes, I was a salesman in the country’ said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, ‘You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.’
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked ‘How many sales did you make today?’
‘One,’ said the young salesman.
‘Only one,’ blurted the boss, ‘Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?’
‘Three hundred thousand dollars,’ said the young man.
‘How did you manage that?’ asked the flabbergasted boss.
‘Well,’ said the salesman ‘this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.’
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, ‘You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?’
‘No,’ answered the salesman ‘He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'‘

410 Fight Song
A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its butt. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.
Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor.
‘Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe.’
Annoyed by the naivet?f his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs.
‘There, look at the cork in the butt of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please, you do it.’
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song started playing.
Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: ‘What's so surprising about that. I've heard thousands of asses sing that song.’

411 Madams Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
‘Why so little,’ she asked the pet-store owner?
The owner looked at her and said, ‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ‘New house, new madam.’
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, ‘that's not so bad.’
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, ‘New house, new madam, new girls.’
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, ‘Hi Keith!’

413 The New Ears...
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He hears of a very good one in England, and goes to see him.
The surgeon examines him, thought a while, and says, ‘yes, I can help you.’
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, - ‘You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!’
‘Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.’
‘Are you having problems hearing with your new ears?’ asks the Doc.
‘No, Doc... I can hear just fine... But I don't understand a thing!’

414 Cell Phone Man
This guy was in a bar talking to his hand.
The bartender came to him and said, ‘I do not want weirdo’s in my bar. I might ask you to leave.’
The guy said, ‘I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of carrying my cell phone so I had it embedded into my hand.’ The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, ‘How cool!’
As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him.
The bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender asked, ‘Are you OK? Who did this to you?’
The guy replied, ‘I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!’

415 The Difference
What is the difference between a beginner, a professional, and a show-off?
- Spitting, swallowing, and gargling!

416 The Big Bad Mouse
One day a mouse was running around inside a zoo when he thought to himself, ‘I need a piece of ass!’ He sees this elephant standing underneath a coconut tree, so he runs over to the elephant, climbs up its leg and begins to stick his the meat in her. After a couple of minutes the mouse is getting into it, when a coconut falls from the tree and hits the elephant on the head. Well the elephant goes, ‘OOOOF’ and the mouse peeks around and says, ‘SUFFER BITCH!’

417 Gum Factory
An Eagle Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Cowboy Fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
Eagle Fan ignores the Dallas fan who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Cowboy Fan: ‘You Eagle folk eat the whole bread?’
Eagle Fan (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’
Cowboy Fan: (after blowing a huge bubble) ‘We don't. In Dallas, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Pennsylvania.’
The Cowboy Fan has a smirk on his face. The Eagle Fan listens.
The Cowboy Fan persists: ‘Do you eat jelly with the bread?’
Eagle Fan: ‘Of Course.’
Cowboy Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) ‘We don't. In Dallas we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Pennsylvania.’
The Eagle Fan then asks: ‘Do you have sex in Dallas?’
Cowboy Fan: ‘Why of course we do,’ he says with a big smirk.
Eagle Fan: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?’
Cowboy Fan: ‘We throw them away, of course.’
Eagle Fan: ‘We don't. In Pennsylvania, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Dallas.’

418 The Super Sale!
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person ‘How much are the washer and dryer?’
‘Five dollars for both of them,’ the salesman said.
‘Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!’ the man replied sarcastically.
‘No, that's the price,’ the salesman said, ‘Do you want to buy them or not?’
‘Yeah, I'll take them!’ the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
‘How much?’ he asked.
‘Five dollars for the system,’ the salesman answered.
‘Is it stolen?’ the guy asks.
‘No,’ said the salesman, ‘It's brand new, do you want it or not?’
‘Sure,’ the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.
‘How much?’
‘Five dollars,’ was the familiar response.
‘I'll take that too!’ the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, ‘Why are your prices so cheap?’
The salesman said, ‘Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!’

419 The 3 Old-Timers...
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
‘Sixty is the worst age to be,’ announced the 60 year old, ‘you always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!’
‘Ah, that's nothing,’ said the 60 year old.’When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !’
‘Actually,’ said the eighty year old, ‘Eighty is the worst age of all.’
‘Do you have trouble peeing too?’ asked the sixty year old.
‘No ... Not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all.’
‘Do you have trouble taking a crap?’ asked the 70 year old.
‘No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.’
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said ‘Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty.
What's so tough about being eighty ?’
To which the eighty year old replied, ‘I don't wake up until ten!’

420 Shipwrecked And Not Too Bright...
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - ‘Stop making love down there!’
‘What's the matter with you?’ asked the husband after the sailor came back down.
‘We weren't making love.’
‘Sorry,’ said the sailor, ‘from up there it looked like you were.’
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing.
Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.
With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
‘By golly, he's right,’ said the husband.
‘It does look like they're making love down there!’

421 The Taxi Ride
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ‘Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!’
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a ‘little tap’ could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, ‘Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

422 The Lumberjack...
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
‘Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,’ said the skinny man.
‘Okay, see that giant redwood over there?’ said the lumberjack.
‘Take your axe and go cut it down!’
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.’I cut the tree down,’ said the little man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, ‘Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?’
‘In the Sahara Forest,’ replied the puny man.
‘You mean the Sahara Desert,’ said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back ‘Oh sure, that's what they call it now!’

423 Doing Our Part...
Rarely do I receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....
President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment).
And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.
Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!
Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you.

424 87 And Feeling Great...
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, ‘You're really doing great, aren't you?’
The man replied, ‘Just doing what you said doctor, ‘Get a hot mama and be cheerful.’
The doctor said, ‘I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!’

425 How To Get Out Of Your Next Speeding Ticket...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding too!

426 DUI Test
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, ‘Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test.’

427 I Say, I Say
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.

428 Armed Forces Radio Communication
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: ‘Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.’
#2: ‘Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.’
#1: ‘This is the captain of a U.S.Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.’
#2: ‘No, I say again divert YOUR course.’
#1: ‘This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S.Navy. Divert your course NOW!’
#2: ‘This is a lighthouse. Your call?’

429 The Suit...
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was angry that the mortician left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, ‘But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin!
We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.’
The lady said, ‘Who's paying for this?’
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service.
She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, ‘Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!’

430 Transplant_2-Heart to Heart...
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his condition was.
The doctor examined him and told him his heart is failing and recommended a transplant.
The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
‘I do have three hearts,’ said the doctor.
‘The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet.
He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.
The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong.
He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.
The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and steak lover. It's $500,000.’
‘Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!’
‘Yes, but it's from a lawyer, so it's never been used.’

431 Make Me An Uncle...
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
‘Stop! You can't do this!’ exclaimed the brother.
‘And why not?’ asked Stan.
‘Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?’
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, ‘C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.’
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, ‘You're SURE you want a nephew?’
‘Yes,’ the brother replied, ‘it would be an honour!’
‘Well congratulations, you're holding him.’

432 The Brave Firemen...
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.
Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, ‘All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!’
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said –
‘The first thing we're going to do is fix the blasted brakes on that truck!’

433 Black Magic...
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other.
When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most...’When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’ They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.
He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said...
‘Nah... Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!’

434 The Traffic Ticket...
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the Judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
‘WHAT FOR?!?!?’ he snapped at the Judge.
The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: ‘Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!’
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the Judge relented: ‘That's all right. You don't have to pay now.’
The guy replied...’I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!’

435 Drowning Bush
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help.
It was G. W. Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him.
He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.
The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair.
Bush said, ‘Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped?’
The boy replied, ‘I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved!’

436 The smart drunk.
A guy runs into a bar and says ''Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!''
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
''Man,'' the bartender says, ''I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!’
''You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have,'' the guy says.
''Oh my God,'' says the bartender, ''what do you have?''
''50 cents.''

437 Suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged.
Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
‘Guess what, sir?’ the clerk said, ‘I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!’
‘Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?’ the manager asked.
‘That's the one!’
‘That's great!’ the manager cried, ‘I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?’
‘Oh that,’ the clerk replied, ‘after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.’

438 Amazing Flying Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
‘Dear,’ she chirped, ‘I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.’

439 Falling
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
‘Damn, that was stupid,’ she thought as she fell, ‘what a way to die.’
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, ‘Do you suck?’
‘No!’ she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
‘Do you screw?’ he asked.
‘Of course not!’ she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
‘I suck! I screw!’ she screamed in panic.
‘Slut!’ he said, and dropped her.

440 To Fit The Occasion, Some Facts About Men...
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
If your husband gets a video camera for Fathers Day, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Men like phones with lots of buttons and other gadget they'll never figure out. It makes them feel important.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, ‘Are we going to have sex again?’
He said, ‘Yes, but not with each other.’
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
... HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

441 Buying The Farm...
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for.
During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, ‘No... The bees never touched me -but doesn't that calf have a mother?’

442 Definition
One evening a Panda Bear entered a brothel house. He kindly requested their best woman. The owner of the brothel house said 'Well, we've never had a Panda Bear visit us, much less one that could speak. I'll give you our best 'lady' in the house.'
After an hour or so, the Panda Bear went downstairs and started to leave through the front door. The owner of the brothel house explained that he needed to pay for the services he had just received.
The Panda Bear did not understand why he had to pay. The owner pulled out the dictionary and began to look up the definition of a brothel house to better explain this to the Panda Bear. She said, 'See, it says here in the dictionary that a brothel house is a place of business that receives payment for services rendered.'
The Panda Bear said, 'You are the one that doesn't understand!'
He grabbed the dictionary from the woman and looked up the word 'Panda Bear.’
He said, 'See, the definition of a Panda Bear is 'a fuzzy bear that eats shoots and leaves.'

443 Brothel
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
‘I'm 90 years old,’ he says.
‘90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don't you realize you've had it?’
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man, ‘how much do I owe you?’

444 Flames Of Passion
Pierre, a French Air Force pilot takes his girlfriend out for picnic lunch. After they've eaten his girlfriend leans over to him and says, ‘Kiss me Pierre.’
He grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes some on her lips.
‘Why did you do that?’ his girlfriend asked.
‘I'm Pierre the pilot, when I have my red meat, I want it with red wine.’
The two start kissing, and after a minute she asks him to kiss her breast. He takes some white wine and splashes it on her chest.
‘Why did you do that?’
‘I'm Pierre the pilot, when I have my white meat, I want it with white wine.’
They continue to make out, and she instructs him to kiss her a little lower. He takes a bottle of cognac splashes it on her, and then strikes a match. He then throws the match on her. She shrieks and dives into the river.
‘What was that for?’
‘I am Pierre the pilot, when I go down I go down in flames.’

445 The Chicken
One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, Hmm. I got to have a woman.’
He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whorehouse and says to the lady at the desk, ‘I need a woman’, and the lady responded with, ‘How much money do you have?’
He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, ‘You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!’
The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, ‘Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!’
The guy immediately says, ‘No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!’ and he runs back home. When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken.
He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whorehouse, drops the money on the desk and says, ‘Give me the chicken.’ So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken.
He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken.
He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, ‘Give me the chicken, I need another chicken’, and the lady says, ‘You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one.’ So he pleads, ‘Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?’
The lady says, ‘Hmm. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other.’ The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be too bad and he gives her the money.
She tells him to go to the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday.
He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other.
The guy says to the person sitting next to him, ‘Man this is great, huh.’ And the person responds with, ‘Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken.’

446 The Not-So-Bright Experiment...
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
‘You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.’
‘Why?’ asked somebody from the audience.
‘I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years,’ the expert explained.
‘She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
‘Did it save time?’ the guy in the audience asked.
‘Actually, yes,’ replied the expert. ‘It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.’

447 Well Done!
A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.
He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.
Then he goes back in ‘3 more times’ without bringing out anybody or anything.
So a bystander is curious and asks him, ‘Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?’
The man replies, ‘I'm turning over my mother in law.’

448 The drunk...
THREE GUYS are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, ‘Your mom's the best sex in town!’
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, ‘I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!’
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, ‘Your mom liked it!’
Finally, the guy just can't take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells - ‘Go home, Dad, you're drunk again!’

449 The 2 Hookers...
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: ‘TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.’
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: ‘JESUS SAVES.’
One of the girls asked the cop: ‘How come you don't stop them?!’
‘Well, that's a little different,’ the cop smiled, ‘their sign pertains to religion.’
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:
‘TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.’

450 A Mixed Bag Of Political Satire...
Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A: A tourist.

Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.

Q: How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car?
A: It depends on how big your ashtray is!

Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.

Finally... A few quotes from Marion Barry while Mayor of Washington DC:
‘If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.’
(NO KIDDING!)

‘I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel.
As mayor, I am an international symbol.
Can you deny that to Africa?’
(Obviously slept through geography class.)

‘The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.’
(hmmm... Math not his strong point)

‘I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.’
(No... You are a dork.)

451 Ahead
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! - A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant ‘Take another drink!’
But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant ‘Take another drink!’ The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... Then to the right.... Right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...’That boy should have quit while he was a head!’

452 Let's Talk
Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
‘Hey,’ Alex shouted, ‘what do you think you're doing?’
‘I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV,’ his wife replied, ‘you haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!’
‘Okay, Okay. So...’
After a moment, he asked, ‘How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?’

453 Ted's A Goner...
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
‘Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!’
‘Oh dear! I'm very sorry’ replied her friend ‘What did you do?’
‘Opened a can of peas instead!’

454 A Monday Morning Gross-Out...
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, ‘Well, it looks plastic.’ Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, ‘But it feels like rubber.’
Curious, the attorney asked, ‘What do you have there?’
The drunk replied, ‘I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.’
The attorney responded, ‘Let me take a look.’
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.
‘Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.
Where did you get it?’
The drunk replied, ‘Out of my nose!’

455 At The Pearly Gates...
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident.
When they reach the pearly gates, Saint Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and Saint Peter asks, ‘Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?’
‘Phew, that one's easy,’ says the teacher, ‘The Titanic.’
‘ Alright,’ said St. Peter, ‘you may pass.’
Then the thief got his question: ‘How many died on the Titanic?’
The thief replied, ‘That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.’
And so he passed through.
Saint Peter then looked at the lawyer and said: ‘Name them.’

456 The 2 Kooks...
A doctor of psychology was doing his morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found his first patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Another patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked the patient on the floor what he was doing.
The patient replied, ‘Can't you see? I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!’
The doctor then inquired as to why the other guy was hanging from the ceiling.
The guy on the floor says, ‘Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a light-bulb Doc.’
The doctor looks up and notices the guys face is going all red.
The doctor asks the wood cutter...’If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?’
And the patient replies - ‘What? And work in the dark!’

457 Help From Canada On The Way...
PRESS RELEASE:
Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept.24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!
WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.
AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

458 Pet Octopus
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender ‘give us two beers over here!’
The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says ‘Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed.’
The man say's to the bartender ‘oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument that you have.’
The bartender replied back ‘well I'll tell you what if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free’
The bartender went up to the band playing and he got a guitar. He put it down on the bar.
The octopus crawled up on the bar and felt around the guitar for a little while when finally he picked it up and started playing it. He was so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and at this point he said ‘alright lets try one more.’ This time he went into the back room and brought out a dusty old set of bagpipes promptly put them on the bar and said, ‘let's see him play this.’
The octopus started crawling all over the bagpipes. He continued this for quite a while, when the bartender shouted out ‘ See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments’ The man replied, ‘Just give him a moment, as soon as he sees he can't have sex with it, He will play it!’

459 Advice For The Day...
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... And let the air out of their tires!

460 Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’ The woman says, ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’

461 Generally Speaking...
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out ‘Sir, Good Evening, Sir!’
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said ‘Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?’
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied - ‘Sir, Yes Sir!’
The General continued, ‘You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?’
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded ‘Sir, Yes Sir!’
The General, pointing at the dog, ‘This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.’
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said ‘Sir, Yes Sir!’
The General continued ‘I got this dog for my wife.’
The Private simply said ‘Good trade Sir!’

462 The Divorce...
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
‘Your Honour,’ replied the defendant, ‘that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The Judge would decide that afternoon what I would get and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and ‘not to worry.’
‘I can't see why you'd punch a man for that,’ interrupted the Judge.
‘Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, ‘Because everything's coming up Rose's.’
‘That's when I hit him!’

463 Here's Little Johnny!...
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.’It's a period,’ reported Johnnie.
‘Well I can see that,’ she said.’But what is so exciting about a period.’
‘Damned if I know,’ said Johnnie, ‘but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!’

464 Quick Thinking!...
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself ‘Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.’ He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, ‘Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!’
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - ‘Come on guys, we're almost there!’

465 The Sergeant Learns A Lesson?
A TOUGH U. S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had passed away.
At roll call he snapped: ‘Hey, Smith, your father died!’ The Marine fainted on the spot.
A week later the sister of another Marine died, and the sergeant once again called his men together.
‘Jones,’ he yelled out, ‘your sister died last night!’ The Marine burst into tears.
Finally, word got back to the general about the sergeant's insensitivity, and he was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his men suffered a tragedy.
A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Miller had just lost his mother.
Remembering what the general had said, he lined up his troop and ordered: ‘Everyone whose mother is alive, please take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, MILLER!’

466 Dogs And Light Bulbs?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

467 ‘Weird Reference Questions’
(These are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv.
All of these are real and provide proof that a ‘better idiot’ can be invented.)

‘Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?’
‘Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?’
(Actual title: ‘Satanic Verses’)

‘I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?’

‘Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?’
hahahaha... What a bone head!

‘Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?’
hmmm... I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen... Do you?

‘I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck.’
(No... That's your brain miss-firing.)

‘I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.’
(I know... How about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

‘I need a colour photograph of George Washington.’
(Ok... Hold on... I'll check with the caveman...)

‘Is the basement upstairs?’ (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
This one gets the golden stupidity award!

468 The Cure For Hiccups...
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
‘What the heck did you do that for!?!’ the man screams.
‘Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?’
The man says, ‘No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!’

469 Rabbit Droppings.
One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked hid Dad, ''What are these Pop?''
''They're smart pills son,'' said his father.
''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.’
So he ate them and said, ''Yuck... These taste like poop!''
''See,'' said his father, ''you're already getting smarter!''

470 A History Lesson!
On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.
Below is his explanation...
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
‘You know,’ said the first explorer, ‘we should name this place we're hiking through.’
‘I agree,’ said the second explorer.
‘Great idea’ quipped the third explorer.
‘We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.’
‘Okay,’ said the third, ‘I'll go first. C, eh.’
The second said: ‘N, eh.’
The first...’D, eh.’
And now you know the story.

471 The New Business...
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He spotted a man coming into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the new businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working, flinging papers around and talking big.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''And what can I do for you?''
To which the visitor replied ''Not much, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

472 Become A Doctor
My son is nearing the time to decide on his life's career.
I told him to become a doctor. It's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill!

473 A Logical Explanation

474 Why you should drink beer.
Guys... Print this out and have it ready to read to ‘you know who.’
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

475 The Early Riser
A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep. Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast even begun yet, he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking the cow himself.
Later on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work.’What cha doin' out in my barn, fella?’ the farmer demanded.
The visitor replied, ‘Well, I woke up at 8 o'clock and you were still asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I would go out and milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after a few minutes she finally filled the glass all at one time.’
He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, ‘Say, what kind of cow is that, anyway?’
‘We don't have a cow, son.’ The farmer replied, ‘we have a bull.’

476 The Bridge Club
Audrey Greyson was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief Audrey got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Audrey loved to tell off-colour stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Audrey a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-colour story they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without Audrey.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, Audrey started, ‘You know, girls, there's a rumour going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...’. Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Audrey was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, ‘Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!’

477 A Long Night
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
‘They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
‘Never mind,’ the drunk said with a hiccup, ‘I got in the back seat by mistake.’

478 Peanuts
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
‘You look great tonight!’ it said.
‘You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!’
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
‘You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother?’
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
‘Ah yes sir,’ the bartender responds, ‘The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.’

479 An Act of Kindness
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, ‘I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.’
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They accepted gladly, as can be expected, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
‘And how did you like your holiday?’ he asked eagerly.
‘The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,’ she said, ‘I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?’

480 Satan's Lawyer
A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm.
‘Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!’
‘I don't know,’ George says, ‘what has your kid done?’

481 The Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, ‘And what starting salary were you looking for?’
The Engineer said, ‘In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.’
The interviewer said, ‘Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?’
The Engineer sat up straight and said, ‘Wow! Are you kidding?’
And the interviewer replied, ‘Yeah, but you started it.’

482 The Chilli
A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chilli. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, ‘I'll take the cold chilli.’
‘I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl,’ says the waitress.
‘Oh, I'll just have coffee, then.’
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chilli is finishing a rather large meal and the chilli bowl is still full.
He asks, ‘Are you going to eat that?’
The other man replies, ‘No.’
‘Would you sell it to me?’
‘You can have it for free if you want it.’
So the man takes the bowl of chilli and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, ‘That's about as far as I got, too.’

483 The Diagnosis-1
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. However, he would have to charge him $50 for his diagnosis.
The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, ‘I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.’
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet goes out and brings in a black labrador.
The Labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, ‘I'm sorry, but the labrador thinks your dog is dead, too.’
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, ‘$550.’
‘$550 to tell me my dog is dead?’ exclaimed the man, ‘but it was $50 a minute ago and you didn’t do anything else.’
‘Well,’ the vet replies, ‘I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.’

484 The Diagnosis-2
This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out ‘Hey Mister .. Pssst ... Come here.’
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says ‘Hey Mister ... If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever.’
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.
The frog says ‘Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?’
The old man says, ‘No ... To tell you the truth, at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me.’

485 The Irishman
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
An Irish cop pulls him over.
‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have you been?’
‘I've been to the pub,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you've had quite a few.’
‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’
‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the man, ‘for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.’

486 The Mourner
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ‘Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?’
The first man approached him and said, ‘Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?’
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, ‘My wife's first husband.’

487 A Fable
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

488 What's in a Name
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, ‘Happy Butt.’
The teacher said, ‘Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out.’ So she went to the principal's office and he asked, ‘What's your name?’ And the little girl said, ‘Happy Butt.’
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, ‘Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt.’
The girl then exclaimed, ‘Glad Ass, Happy Butt’ what's the difference?

489 The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, ‘I am Napoleon!’
Another one said, ‘How do you know?’
The first inmate said, ‘God told me!’
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ‘I did not!’

490 Corporate Decisions
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision.
So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, ‘Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...’
And Mary says, ‘Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!’

491 A Jury Full of Lawyers
A Judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 P. M. and getting a jury would take time, so the Judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to empanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the Judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the Judge started getting ready to go home and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the Judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the Judge said, ‘Well have they got a verdict yet?’
The bailiff shook his head and said, ‘Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!’

492 Twins
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named ‘Amal.’ The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him ‘Juan.’
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, ‘But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.’

493 What To Do For A Cough
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
‘He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,’ John explained.
‘Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!’ Bob shouted angrily.
‘Sure it will,’ John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.
‘Look at him. He's afraid to cough.’

494 Survival Skills
At the site of the crash, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team.
‘Thank God’, he cried out in relief, ‘I am saved!’
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
‘You can't Judge me for this,’ he insisted, ‘I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?’
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief.
‘I won't Judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!’

495 Wishful Thinking
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, ‘He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.’
The next-door neighbour protested, ‘Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.’
The wife replied, ‘Yes, but who wants HIM back?’

496 The Brilliance of Humanity
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
‘Hey,’ the man announced to the technician, ‘It's open!’
‘I know,’ answered the young man, ‘I already got that side.’

497 The Flood
A man comes home in the middle of the day and finds his young wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels and the whole apartment is flooded.
‘What happened here?’ he asks.
‘I think the waterbed busted,’ says the trembling wife. Just then a naked guy floats by.
‘Who's that?’ demands the husband.
‘I dunno, must be a life guard.’

498 The Arrest
When John got arrested, he was told, ‘Anything you say will be held against you.’
John responded, ‘Pamela Anderson.’

499 The Potato
One day, two friends were on the beach.
The smaller of the two was in awe about how many women his friend was attracting.
‘William,’ he said, ‘how do you attract so many women and I so few?’
‘Well Patrick,’ the other said, ‘go home and put a potato in your pants and that will drive the women wild.’ The next day, they came back to the beach. William was still attracting all of the women, but much to Patrick’s surprise, all of the women were avoiding him more than usual.
‘William,’ Patrick said, ‘I've gone home and found the biggest potato I could, put it in my pants, and now all of the women are running away. What did I do wrong?’
William looked him over and said, ‘Patrick, have you considered putting that potato in the front of your pants?’

500 Dead Give-Away
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, ‘Have you been drinking, sir?’
‘Why? Was I weaving all over the road?’
‘No,’ replied the policeman, ‘you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.’

501 The Wedding Night
Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned on living with Marie's mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed.
Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first and he had hair all over his chest.
Marie ran downstairs and told her mother.
‘Momma! Momma! He’s got hair all over his chest!’
Her mother replied, ‘Marie, you go upstairs and make your momma proud.’
So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his pants.
He was extremely hairy all over his legs.
Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.
‘Momma, he’s got hair all over his legs.’
‘Marie, you go upstairs and make your Momma proud.’
Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks.
Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war.
Marie took one look, ran downstairs and said, ‘Momma, Momma, he’s got a foot and a half!’
At this, Momma yelled, ‘Marie, you wait here. I'm gonna go upstairs!’

502 Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, ‘Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?’
The guard replied, ‘They are 3 million, four years and six months old.’
‘That's an awfully exact number,’ says the tourist, ‘how do you know their age so precisely?’
The guard answered, ‘Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.’

503 The Slide
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, ‘Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.’
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, ‘Oh, no. He didn't, he just walked in the door.’

504 The Invitation
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, ‘Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.’
His wife replied, ‘What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!’
The husband said, ‘I know all that.’
‘Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?’ asked the wife.
The guy answered, ‘Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.’

505 The Rookie
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, ‘Let's get off the corner.’
No one moved, so he barked again, ‘Let's get off the corner!’
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, ‘Well, how did I do?’
‘Pretty good,’ replied the veteran, ‘especially since this was a bus stop.’

506 The Court Trial
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
‘Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,’ instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated.
‘But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,’ she protested.
‘Then,’ said the attorney, ‘just whisper them to the Judge.’

507 The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, ‘Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?’
‘Well, yes, I did once.’
‘And how did he look?’
‘Very angry.’
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, ‘Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?’
‘He was looking through the window at us.’

508 The Rude Student
A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, ‘Why do we have to learn this stuff?’
‘To save lives,’ the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
‘So, how does physics save lives?’ he persisted.
‘It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,’ replied the professor.

509 Ranch Intelligence
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
‘Well,’ said the would-be cattleman, ‘I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favoured Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.’
‘But where are all your cattle?’ the friends asked.
‘None survived the branding.’

510 The Interested Doctor
A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, ‘Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!’
‘I'm coming over right away,’ the doctor says. When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.
‘Interesting’, the doctor says, startled. I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa.’
‘Doctor’, the woman says, ‘I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!’

511 Little Johnny on a Scavenger Hunt
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming, ‘Please come quickly,’ she yelled, ‘I just saw a naked man outside my window!’
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
‘Where is he?’ asked the receptionist.
‘He's over there,’ replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
‘It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed,’ she said reassuringly.
‘And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?’
‘The dresser, honey!’ screamed the old lady, ‘try standing on the dresser!’

512 Old Man's Revenge
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, ‘Humph, not much of a man was he?’
The waitress replied, ‘Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.’

513 The Ugliest One
There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
‘Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.’
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, ‘Have you been fooling around on me?’
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, ‘Not this time.’

514 The Question
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, ‘I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 35,’ was the reply.
‘I'm actually 47,’ the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, ‘Oh, you look about 29.’
‘I am actually 47!’ she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, ‘I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your exact age.’
There was no one around, so the woman said, ‘What the hell?’ and let him slip his hand down her shirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, ‘OK, You are 47.’
Stunned, the woman said, ‘That was brilliant! How did you do that?’
The old man replied, ‘I was behind you in line at McDonalds.’

515 Show Off
There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and ‘dress decent.’
The young woman said, ‘No, I want to show off my rosebuds,’ and went out the door. The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.
‘Grandmother! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!’ she cried, ‘Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!’
The older woman replied, ‘Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.’

516 The Trick
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, ‘I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.’
The grandmother was curious.
‘What trick is that my dear?’ she asked.
The little boy replied, ‘I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.’

517 Watch It
‘When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
‘If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.’

518 Doctor's Poker Game
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I'll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely, ‘In fact, three doctors are there already!’

519 The Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, ‘Why did you become a lawyer?’
In seconds, he chose Paul.
Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.
‘I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?’
‘I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,’ Robert replied.
‘Your hands? What do you mean?’
‘Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!’

520 Where Did I Come From?
One day a little girl went up to her mother and asked, ‘Mommy, where did I come from?’
Her mother stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born.
As the mother gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When she was finished, Little Rita said, ‘Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania.’

521 Marital Bliss?
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife, ‘Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill.’ She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, ‘Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!’ She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, ‘If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.’

522 Quick Thinking
One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, ‘Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!’
‘Don't worry, Bubba,’ Earl said, ‘we'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.’
‘What fer?’ asked Bubba.
‘Just let me do the talking, okay?’ said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, ‘Have you boys been drinking?’
‘No sir,’ replied Earl, ‘we're on the patch!’

523 The Switch
A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, ‘Here, put these on.’
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
‘I can't wear your pants,’ she said.
‘That's right and don't forget it,’ said the husband, ‘I'm the man in this family.’
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, ‘Try these on.’ He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, ‘Hell, I can't get into your pants.’
She said, ‘That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!’

524 A Great Deal
Two computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, ‘Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?’
‘Well,’ replied the other, ‘I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, ‘You can have ANYTHING you want!’
‘Good choice,’ said the first, ‘her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.’

525 Strange Ritual
Joe stopped at his favourite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, ‘Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?’
The man replied, ‘There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!’

526 Between Innings
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops.
‘You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way’ he pleads.
‘Well, maybe,’ she says, ‘but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us.’
The boy stops and says, ‘Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing.’
The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
‘Mooooooooo ... Moooooooo ... Moooooon River ...!’

527 Black Eyes...
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye.
He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?
Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.
First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:
‘Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.’
But I accidentally said: ‘You ruined my life you piece of crap!’

528 Would You Like A Pun With Your Burger?
One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.
At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, ‘What's your name?’
‘Patty’ she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.
On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him ‘Special Ross.’
Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunions.
Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on.
Grover had never met her, so he asked her what her name and her name was also Patty.
On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...
‘Dang, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions, on a Sesame Street bus!’

529 No Tie - No Enter!
So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says - ‘Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place... Now hit the road.’
He goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. He really wants to get into the nightclub but has no idea what to do.
Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He heads back to the nightclub.
He goes back to the nightclub and walks up to the bouncer and shows him his tie.
The bouncer says...
‘Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!’

530 2 Cute Ones About Kids...
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, ‘Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church....’
As she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again...
‘Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!’

531 The New Baby...
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ''I have something to tell you about your child...''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ''What's wrong with it?''
The doctor says, ''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.''
The woman looks confused.
''A hermaphrodite, what's that?''
The doctor replies, ''It has both features of a male and a female.''
The woman looks at him and says ‘whew.’..’You mean it has a penis AND a brain?''

532 A New Pair Of Shoes...
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
‘How do they feel?’ asks the sales clerk.
‘Well they feel a bit tight,’ replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
‘Try pulling the tongue out,’ the clerk says.
‘Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.’
(DOH!)

533 Baby's Revenge...
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram.
He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, ‘Are you my daddy?’
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.
The baby says again, ‘Are you my daddy?’
The doctor says, ‘No, I'm not your father.’
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, ‘Are you my daddy?’
And the father says, ‘Yes, I am!’
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying...
‘How do you like that?! How do you like that?!’

534 The Interviews
There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured. The only permanent damage he suffered, though, was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual condition, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business. He decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.
So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy.
His last question for this first candidate was, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?’
The guy said, ‘Now that you mention it, you have no ears.’
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first.
Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?’
This guy also noticed, ‘Yes, you have no ears.’
The man was really upset again and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.
The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them.
Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?’
The guy replied, ‘Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.’
Surprised, the man then asked, ‘Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?’
The guy burst out laughing and said, ‘Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!’

535 The Unscrupulous Businessman
An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, ‘I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal.’
‘Could you give me a pen and paper?’ said the businessman.
‘Do you want to write your will?’
‘No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite.’

536 What to Wear with the IRS
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
‘Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,’ the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
‘Do not let them intimidate you? Wear your most elegant suit and tie.’
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
‘Let me tell you a story,’ replied the Rabbi, ‘a woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night, ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.’
The man protested: ‘What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?’
The Rabbi replied, ‘No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.’

537 The Bitter Soldier
The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl sent him a ‘Dear John’ letter, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: ‘Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others.’

538 Two Irish Friends
Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers.
So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, ‘Liam, me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?’
Liam said, ‘Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder first?’

539 The Telegram
A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: ‘Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof’
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, ‘There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.’
‘But,’ the dog replied, ‘That would make no sense at all.’

540 Three Engineers
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ‘It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.’
Another said, ‘No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.’
The third said, ‘No, it was a civil engineer. Look at the superbly functional overall design.’
The last said, ‘Actually it got screwed up by an architect. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?’

541 Last Wishes
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, ''Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me -- is our youngest son my child?''
The wife replied, ''I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son.''
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, ''Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.''

542 Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
‘Sidney thought of everything,’ she told them. ‘Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.’’
‘What was in the envelopes?’ her friends asked.
‘The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.'‘
So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.’
‘The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'‘
I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending.’
‘And the third envelope?’ asked her friends.
‘The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'‘
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... ‘So, do you like my stone?’ showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

543 The Swimming Race
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and ‘splash’ they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, ‘Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me.’

544 The Physicist
There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a. M. With a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.
His replied, ‘Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess. Things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home.’
She screamed, ‘You liar! You were in the lab again, weren't you?’

545 McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, ‘They don't serve beer here, you moron!’
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
‘And what's so funny?’ the New Yorker demands.
‘Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!’

546 The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, ‘I am Napoleon!’
Another one said, ‘How do you know?’
The first inmate said, ‘God told me!’
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ‘I did not!’

547 Two Cows
Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about this mad cow disease?’
The other cow looked over and replied, ‘Why should I care? I'm a helicopter.’

548 Which One?
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counsellor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
‘Oh,’ said the counsellor, ‘I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.’

549 Not So Smart Doctor
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city.
He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, ‘Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen.’
The man said, ‘I know my size. I want them in a fourteen.’
The clerk said, ‘I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you... If you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge.’

550 Smart Kid
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
‘There's a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he said.
‘An ambulance just drove by.’ A few moments passed.’Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he called out.
‘Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.’
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
‘How do you know that?’ the startled father asked.
‘Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,’ his son replied.

551 A Final Tribute
A member of the ‘mob’ had recently died, and all of his close friends and associates had gathered at his funeral to pay tribute. It was customary for his closest friends to show their ‘respect’ by putting some money into his casket.
Ten of them stopped by to visit, and as each one did, he put a crisp $1000 bill into the casket. The last one stopped at the coffin, and some people noticed him putting something in and apparently taking something out as well.
After the funeral service, one of the other friends asked him what he put in the casket. He replied: ‘Well, Joe was one of my closest and dearest friends. I didn't want to be shown up by all the others, so I put in a check for $20,000 and took back $10,000 in change.’

552 Out Of Concern
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, ‘Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.’
‘Well,’ the doctor replied, ‘go home tonight and stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.’
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and said, ‘Honey, what's for dinner?’ He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ‘Honey, what's for dinner?’
‘For the fourth time, vegetable stew!’ she replied.

553 Viagra Study
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

554 The Plan
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, ‘Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.’
‘Then why are you so sad?’ her mother asked.
‘Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell.’
Her mother replied, ‘Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.’

555 Conducting A Music Class
A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.
Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, ‘When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.’
A whisper was heard from the percussion section: ‘And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.’

556 Airline Safety
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
‘Good lord!’ he screamed, ‘one of the engines just blew up!’
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
‘Say,’ spoke up an alert passenger, ‘aren't those parachutes?’
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, ‘But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about.’
‘There isn't,’ replied the pilot as a third engine exploded, ‘we're going to get help.’

557 The Sobbing Bride
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ‘How was the honeymoon?’
‘Oh, Mama,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...’ Suddenly she burst out crying.
‘But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language... Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!’
‘Sarah,’ her mother said, ‘calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’
‘Please don't make me tell you, Mama,’ wept the daughter, ‘I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!’
‘Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!’
Still sobbing, the bride said, ‘Oh, mama... Words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!’

558 These Three Are Tough
Three city mice are sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says ‘I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.’
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey-- throws his glass on the floor and says, ‘I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest. I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air. I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.’
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, ‘I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat.’

559 The Condom Display
Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms.
‘Hey Dad, what's a three-pack for?’ asked the boy.
‘Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,’ replied the father.
‘Then Dad, what's a six-pack for?’ asked the son.
‘That's when she moves in with you. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.’
‘Then Dad, what's a twelve-pack for?’
‘That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for ...’

560 Sunday Is Punday
Robins in the Spring...
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
‘I'm really hungry,’ said the first one.
‘Me, too,’ said the second, ‘let's fly down and find some lunch.’
They flew down and found a nice plot of ploughed ground full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore.
‘I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree,’ said the first robin.
‘Me either,’ said the second robin, ‘let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun,’ said the first.
‘OK,’ said the second. The robins plopped down, basking in the sun.
They had barely fallen asleep when a big, fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled both of them down. As he sat washing his face after his meal, the cat thought –
?
?
?
?
...’I just LOVE Baskin' Robins!’ (DOH!)

561 The Angry Clergyman
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
‘You look hot, my son,’ said the cleric, ‘why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.’
‘No thanks,’ said the young man, ‘my father wouldn't like it.’
‘Don't be silly,’ the minister said, ‘everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.’
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, ‘Your father must be a real tyrant. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!’
‘Well,’ replied the young farmer, ‘he's under the load of hay.’

562 The Storks
Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.
When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, ‘Papa, where were you all night, last night?’
Papa replied, ‘Out making a young couple very happy.’
Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning. When she tiredly sank into her favourite chair, Baby asked her, ‘Mama, where were you all last night?’
‘I was out making a young couple very happy,’ she sighed.
Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning.
Papa was angry.
‘Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?’
‘Out scaring the s**t out of college students,’ Baby Stork giggled.

563 A Dying Wish
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, ‘Why did you do that?’
‘Those are for the funeral.’

564 To Home With Love
Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ Iwould love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

565 Visiting Grandma
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
‘You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.’
‘Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?’
‘You're coming empty handed?’

566 Career Aspirations
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, ‘Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.’
‘That's okay with us,’ the mother said, ‘But what made you decide to be a minister?’
‘Well,’ the boy replied, ‘I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway and I figure it will be much more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.’

567 Abstinence
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
‘Can of PAINT!’ exclaimed the minister.
‘Yeah,’ said the newlywed man, ‘she dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.’
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
‘That's okay,’ said the man, ‘we're not welcome in the hardware store either.’

568 Breakfast
A travelling salesman went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast on the second morning of his latest business trip. After being seated by the hostess, he waved off the menu, apparently quite sure of what he hungered for that morning. After all, this was to be a fateful day, as he was close to ‘clinching the deal’ and wanted to head into his client's office with confidence, exuberance, and enthusiasm.
He was full of self-assuredness and greeted the young waitress with a great big smile.
‘I'll have 2 eggs, please. But I want one of them just about room temperature and the other can be warm but must be runny.’
The waitress was getting all this down but was wondering where this was going.
‘Toast... It doesn't matter what kind, just make sure that it gets cold so that the butter will just sit on it and not melt. Water down my orange juice, too, please... Let's say half water and half juice. It really doesn't matter whether you bring any coffee. I usually like 2 or 3 cups in the morning. One won't do so you might as well skip it altogether.’
‘But, sir,’ said the waitress, confused, ‘I don't think our kitchen can put this together the way you like it!’
‘Oh, I don't like it that way, but it shouldn't be a problem. That's exactly how you served it yesterday!’

569 The Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
‘In the neighbourhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.’
‘Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years... Say, a red Corvette?’
‘Wow! Are you kidding?’
‘Yeah, but you started it.’

570 Thus...
It was a hot summer's day and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the ‘Fourth of July.’
He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the doctor. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin.
Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend and nearly fell in.
Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.
Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

571 Cured
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
‘So, Mr. Clark,’ the doctor says to one of his patients, ‘I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?’
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, ‘Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately.’
Dr. Leroy nods and says, ‘Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.’
The patient replies, ‘And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.’

572 On The Plane
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of travelling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked, and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, ‘You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?’
The lady replied, ‘Of course I do. It is the Bible.’
He said, ‘Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?’
She replied, ‘Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.
‘He asked, ‘Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?’
The lady said, ‘Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.’
‘What if he isn't in heaven?’ the man asked sarcastically.
‘Then you can ask him,’ replied the lady.

573 It Cannot Be
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
‘In English,’ he said, ‘a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.’
‘However,’ he pointed out, ‘there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.’
A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah. Right.’

574 Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walked into the ladies room and stood before the mirror and said, ‘I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.’*POOF* The mirror swallowed her.
Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said, ‘I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the mirror and said, ‘I think...’*POOF*

575 Quick...
A bartender is polishing glasses in the middle of the afternoon when suddenly the door to his bar is flung open. He and his few customers at that hour watch as a man enters.
Sweat is pouring down his cheeks and forehead; he is breathing heavily, and he keeps looking back over his shoulder as if the devil were pursuing him. He staggers across the room, grabs onto the bar to keep himself from falling and gasps, ‘Quick! Gimme a triple!’
‘A triple what?’ asks the bartender.
‘A triple anything! I don't know--whiskey!’ the man croaks. While the bartender is pouring the drink, the man pants for breath and shakes his head. All the customers stare at him, and murmur; his shirt is dirty, his suit coat is torn and there are smudges of dirt on his face.
The bartender slides a large glass in front of him and the dishevelled man drains it in ten seconds flat.
‘What happened to you, pal?’ the bartender inquires as everyone looks on.
‘I sure--needed that drink. I had--a terrible experience--just before I came--in here!’ the man manages to say.
‘And what experience was that?’ asks the bartender.
‘I went into a bar down the street and ordered a triple,’ the man says in a strained voice.’ I told the bartender I couldn't pay for my drink. So he threw me right out into the street!’

576 What's For Dinner
One day, an American was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’
The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, ‘What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!’
The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!’
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!’
The waiter promptly replied, ‘Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!’

577 The Sacrifice
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.’
‘My darling,’ he replied, ‘think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

578 Fairy Tales
A little girl had just listened to her mother reading her one of her favourite fairy tales.
‘Mommy,’ asked the child, ‘do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon a Time...’?’
‘No, dearest,’ replied the mother, ‘sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight.’’

579 The Affair
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The programmer then interjected: ‘I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!’

580 Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men.
One of the kids pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.’Yes,’ said the policeman.’The detectives want him very badly.’
So, Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

582 I Don't Understand
Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face.
‘I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.’
Stanley's wife replied, ‘Why thank you, dear!’

583 A Little Gift
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
‘How about some perfume?’ he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.’That is a bit much,’ said Clarence.
So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.’That's still quite a bit,’ Clarence groused.
Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
‘What I mean,’ said Clarence, ‘is I would like to see something really cheap.’
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

584 The Love Dress
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
‘I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,’ the daughter-in-law answered.
‘But you're naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.
‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.
‘Love dress? But you're naked!’
‘My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.’
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked.
‘This is my love dress,’ she replied.
Husband: ‘Needs ironing!’

585 My Pumpkin
A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, ‘I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.’
His buddy hung his head.
‘To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.’

586 At The Bus Stop
One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, ‘How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!’
Shocked, the man said, ‘Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.’

587 The Offer
A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, ‘Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?’
‘Well yes!’ answered the woman.
The man replied, ‘Would you sleep with me for a dollar?’
‘Of course not!’ replied the woman, horrified.
‘What kind of woman do you think I am?’
‘I think that’s already been established,’ said the man, ‘now we’re just haggling over a price.’

588 Why
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of the same stuff?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, ‘Where's the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘Lisp’ to have an ‘S’ in it.

589 How Government Works
Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, ‘Someone may steal from it at night.’
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, ‘How does the watchman do his job without instruction?’
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, ‘How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?’
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, ‘How are these people going to get paid?’
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired the two people to fill them.
Then Congress said, ‘Who will be accountable for all of these people?’
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, ‘We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.’
So they laid off the night watchman.

590 Just Remember
Just remember... When you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

591 Grandpa, Can You...?
A little girl said, ‘Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
‘Why sure you can,’ her grandfather replied.
As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, ‘Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?’
‘A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.’
The girl said, ‘Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?’
Perplexed, her grandfather said, ‘Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?’
And the little girl said, ‘Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!’

592 Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, ‘I’d like to have some birth-control pills.’
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, ‘Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?’
The woman responded, ‘They help me sleep better.’
The doctor thought some more and continued, ‘How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?’
The woman said, ‘Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.’

593 Three Friends
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, ‘Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'‘
The teacher said, ‘I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'‘
Then the lawyer said, ‘I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'‘

594 A Fitting Purchase
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a store. Her arms were filled with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, ‘Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!’
‘Don't worry, ma'am,’ replied the clerk, ‘with that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.

595 The Pool
A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other.
Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was going on. The man replied, ‘This happens every day; there's nothing else to do.’ So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming pool at his expense.
The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately. Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted. He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool had been built.
As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices. A few yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, ‘You guys like this, huh? I see no more fighting, isn't this fun?’
The man replied, ‘Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it’ll be even more fun when they put the water in it.’

597 The Carjacking
An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, ‘I have a gun and I know how to use it. Get out of the car, you scumbags.’
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.

598 The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
‘Hurry!’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don't move until I tell you to,’ she whispered, ‘just pretend you're a statue.’
‘What's this, Honey?’ the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
‘Oh, it's just a statue,’ she replied nonchalantly.
‘The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.’
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
‘Here,’ he said to the “statue”,’ ‘eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.’

599 Are you the one?
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50 Hand Job $10.00 Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. ‘Yes?’ she inquires with a knowing smile, ‘can I help you?’ ‘I was wondering’, whispers the man, ‘are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?’ ‘Yes’, she purrs, ‘indeed I am!’ The man replies ‘Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!’

600 Ladies Night Out...
The other day, my friends and I went to this ‘Ladies Night Club.’
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The ‘dancer’ came over to us and my friend licks the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.
She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... And then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

601 ‘I Told You...’
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom.
He demandingly asked, ‘What on earth are you doing?!?!!’
The wife turned to the other man and said, ‘See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.’

602 Strength Vs. Age
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
‘Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?’ he said, ‘I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.’
‘You're on, old man,’ the braggart replied, ‘It's a bet! Let's see what you got.’
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ‘All right. Get in.’

603 ‘See That, Baby?’
A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, ‘See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!’ She smiles.
The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, ‘See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!’
Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, ‘Why are you in such a hurry to go?’
She replies, ‘With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!’

604 The Blessing
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, ‘Would you like to say the blessing?
‘I wouldn't know what to say,’ replied the little girl.
‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the woman said.
Her daughter bowed her head and said, ‘Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’

605 S. O. S.
Two men were hunting in the forest and accidentally got lost. They waited for a plane to look for them to take them to safety. When the plane arrived, one of the hunters said, ‘Shoot three times in the air. That is the distress call.’
So they did, and the plane flew by and didn't stop.
The next day as the plane flew out, they shot three times in the air again, but the plane flew on and didn't stop. On the third day as the plane flew by, one hunter said, ‘O. K. Shoot three times.’
The other hunter replied, ‘O. K. But we're almost out of arrows!’

606 Words To Live By
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!
Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch their government in action.
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

607 The Earring
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’
‘Hey Joe,’ he yells out, ‘I didn't know you were into earrings.’
‘Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring,’ says Joe sheepishly.
‘No, really,’ probes Morris, ‘How long have you been wearing one?’
‘Ever since my wife found it in our bed.’

608 Stay Calm
A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a screaming baby in it. As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring, ‘Stay calm, Rachel. Don't cry, Rachel. Don't scream, Rachel.’
Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, ‘You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel.’
‘What do you mean?’ snapped the woman, ‘I'm Rachel!’

609 A Texan in Ireland
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.’
The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
‘Is your bet still good?’ he asks.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ‘If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’
The Irishman replies, ‘Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’

610 But Why?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ‘Love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, ‘I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'‘
‘But why?’ asks the man.
‘I'm a divorce lawyer,’ the man replies.

611 A Bad Day
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, ‘Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.’
‘No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.’

612 For 16 Years
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, ‘I'll be 16 tomorrow.’
‘I know,’ said the butcher with a smile, ‘I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.’
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, ‘Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!’

613 Big Trouble
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, ‘Where is God?’
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God!!?’
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, ‘WHERE IS GOD!?’
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, ‘What happened?’
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!’

614 Ghandi
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was a spiritual person. When he was not on a hunger strike, he ate very little and became frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore, he came to be known as a: ‘Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.’

615 Johnny Said
Johnny’s mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny greeted her and said, ‘You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they...’
‘Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story,’ his mother said.
When the father came home, Johnny started again, ‘Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they...’
‘Then they WHAT, Johnny?’ his mother asked, hurt and angry.
‘And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do when Dad’s out of town.’

616 He Doesn't Speak
A man and woman got married and had a little boy who was very healthy, but as he got older his parents noticed that he never spoke. This concerned his parents greatly. They took their son to several doctors who ran series of tests and told them that the boy was perfectly healthy but would probably never speak.
Resigned, the parent took their son home and did everything in their power to keep him happy. One night seven years later while eating dinner, the little boy looked up from his plate and said in a clear voice, ‘These peas are cold.’
Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged and kissed him.
‘Oh,’ they said, ‘we’re so happy. We thought you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken until now?’
The boy looked at his parents and said, ‘Well up until these peas, everything’s been fine.’

617 The Gift
A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought her a box full of fine chocolates.
A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer brought her a big box that was sealed and it had something leaking from the bottom of the box.
The teacher said, ‘I bet I know what this is!’
She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said, ‘I bet this is some wine!’
The little boy said, ‘Nope!’
She tasted it again and said ‘Liquor?’
The little boy said, ‘Nope!’
She tasted it again and said, ‘Beer?’
The little boy said, ‘Nope!’
She said, ‘Well what is it?’
The little boy said, ‘A puppy!’

618 Divorced Barbie
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop assistant, ‘How much is that Barbie in the window?’
In a condescending manner, she said, ‘Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.’
Ralph asked, ‘Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?’
‘That's obvious,’ the sales lady said.’Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.’

619 Q&A
Guy- Are you from Tennessee?
Girl- No why?
Guy- ‘Cause you’re the only ‘10’ I see.

620 Out With The Flu
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
‘I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,’ he replied.
‘Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?’ I asked in stunned disbelief.
‘Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!’

621 The Price Of Popcorn
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant his money, he couldn't help but comment, ‘The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.’
‘Well, sir,’ the attendant replied with a grin, ‘You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.’

622 Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, ‘Oh, no. We've been married 50 years and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.’
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, ‘Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth.’

623 What Do You Want?
John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
‘Would you like a new mink coat?’ he asked.
‘Not really,’ said Mary.
‘Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?’ said John.
‘No,’ she responded.
‘What about a new vacation home in the country?’ he suggested.
She again rejected his offer.
‘Well what would you like for our anniversary?’ John asked.
‘John, I'd like a divorce,’ answered Mary.
‘Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much,’ said John.

624 Following In His Footsteps
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat.
His little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
‘Be still, my heart,’ thought the doctor, ‘my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!’
Then the child spoke into the instrument, ‘Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?’

625 Need Water!
A traveller was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, ‘Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?’
The man replied, ‘I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes.’
The desperate man shouted, ‘I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!’
‘OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give you all the water you want.’
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, ‘I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?’
‘I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.’

626 Psychiatric Hotline
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

627 I Need A Doctor
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, ‘It's all right Honey, I've had a course in first aid.’
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, ‘When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.’

628 The Government vs. The Mafia
Q. What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A. One of them is organized.

629 Booze Party
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.’
And then finally, he said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.’ He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, ‘For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

630 The Bungee Jumper
One day two guys were bungee jumping and the first guy says, ‘Hey, we could make a lot of money down in Mexico doing this.’
The second guy says, ‘Sure, why not?’ So they got everything they needed: a tower, a rope, insurance, and so on. After that they went down there. The crowd starts to grow as they set up their stuff. After they're done, the crowd has gotten bigger.
The first guy decides to give it a try. After he jumps, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and bruises. He couldn't catch him, so the first guy goes down again.
The second time he comes up the other guy sees that he has a few broken limbs and is almost unconscious. This time he is able to pull him up and asks him, ‘What the heck happened to you?’
The first guy says, ‘I'm fine, but what the heck is a Pi??’

631 The Blind Date
Allen took his blind date to the carnival.
‘What would you like to do first, Sandra?’ asked Allen.
‘I want to get weighed,’ said Sandra. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
‘I want to get weighed,’ she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Allen lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
‘I want to get weighed,’ she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, ‘How did it go?’
Sandra responded, ‘Mewissa, oh, it was wousy.’

632 The Feminist
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, ‘Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat,’ and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, ‘Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already.’

633 Some of the Myths About Marriage...
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: ‘I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
The husband says: ‘WHAT?’
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewellery department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: ‘You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it.’ The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: ‘I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register.’
The husband says: ‘No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.’
The wife's face goes blank.
‘No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’
The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: ‘You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!’

634 Two Girls
Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, ‘Is something bugging you? You look anxious.’
‘Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,’ she explained.
‘Oh, that's too bad,’ the other girl sympathized, ‘I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.’
‘Yeah, I am,’ she said, ‘he'll really miss me.’

635 The Big Bad Bug
A man was sitting down watching his t. V. One evening, when he heard a loud knocking on his door.
Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to answer it.
There, standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to beat the crap out of him.
The next evening, there was the same knocking at the door.
Cautiously the man answered the door.
Again, there was the beetle, and the same thing happened.
The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts and bruises and explained the whole situation to his Doc.
‘Hhmm,’ said the doctor, looking at his wounds, ‘I'd heard there was a nasty bug going around!’

636 The Psychic Said...
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
‘There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.’
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
‘Will I be acquitted?’

637 My Poor Girlfriend
My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First she got tonsillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would never win that spelling bee.

638 Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
A husband and wife are watching ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,’ and the husband winks and says, ‘Honey, let's go upstairs..’
The wife says no, so the husband asks again.
Again she says no. So the husband says, ‘Is that your final answer?’
The wife says yes.
The husband says, ‘Well, can I phone a friend?’

639 Geek Speak
Q: What is the meaning of a 3 1/2 floppy?
A: An excellent reason to end a relationship.

Click 'n Drag.... A transvestite approaching in high heels.

Silicon.... Good for memory, bad for mammary.

These are just a few samples of hysterical definitions for Internet and dot-com jargon. GIGAWIT- A Dictionary of E-NGLISH Language.... Defined like never before, lavishly illustrated in full colour and priced to make a perfect holiday gift for your favourite techie, hacker or web-head! Geek speak will never be the same.

640 Home For The Holidays!
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ‘I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.’
‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
‘We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the old man says, ‘we're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,’ and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
‘Like hell they're getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I'll take care of this.’ She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife.
‘Okay,’ he says, ‘they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?’

641 With The Long Brown Hair...
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
‘I'll grant you your fondest wish,’ the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, ‘I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.’
‘Poof!’ said the genie, ‘you're a housewife.’

642 Last Request
Three men die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, ‘As your mortal remains lie below on Earth in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you most like to hear them say about you?’
The first guy says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a really great physician and healer, yet also a great family man.’
The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.’
The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say....... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!’

You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!

You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,

You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.

You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!

You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.

You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!

You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.

You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about

You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!

644 Cash, Check, or Charge
‘Cash, check, or charge?’ the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘Do you always carry your TV remote?’ the cashier asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him.’

645 Kids, Kids, or Kids
A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, ‘How many children do you have?’
The woman answered, ‘Four.’
The census taker asked, ‘May I have their names, please?’
The woman replied, ‘Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George.’
Confused, the census taker said, ‘May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?’
‘Surely, because we didn't want any Moe.’

646 The Toy Raffle
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
‘Who is the most obedient?’ he asked.
‘Who never talks back to mother?’
‘Who does everything she says?’
Five small voices answered in unison.
‘You do, Daddy!’

647 Stranded On A Boat
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst, and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
‘POOF’ out popped a tired old genie who said, ‘OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one.’
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, ‘Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!’
‘Fine,’ said the genie and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
‘Great move Einstein!’ said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head, ‘NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!’

648 Gore/Bush Settle
Gore calls up Bush and says, ‘Hey, let's settle this Australian Style.’
Bush asks, ‘How's that?’
Gore says, ‘First you stand there, and I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can.’ Then it's your turn. Whoever quits first is the loser.
Bush says, ‘OK, stands there,’ and is completely knocked over by Gore.
After 10 minutes, Bush stands up, and groans, ‘Alright, my turn.’
Gore then replies, ‘It's all right, you can be president.’

649 Offend Thy Honour
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, ‘If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.’
‘It's in the Judge's hands now,’ said the lawyer.
‘Would it help if I sent the Judge a box of cigars?’ asked the defendant.
‘Oh no!’ said the lawyer, ‘this Judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the Judge.’
Within the course of time, the Judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, ‘Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.’
‘I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,’ said the lawyer.
‘But I did send them,’ said the defendant.
‘What?? You did?’
‘Yes, That's how we won the case.’
‘I don't understand,’ said the lawyer.
‘It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the Judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.’

650 What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

651 Four New Fathers
Four expectant fathers are in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labour.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, ‘Congratulations, you're the father of twins.’
‘What a coincidence,’ the man exclaims.’I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.’
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, ‘You are the father of triplets.’
‘Wow, what a coincidence,’ he replies.’I work for the 3M Corporation.’
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
‘Another coincidence. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.’
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
‘What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up.’

652 Bad News or Terrible News First
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.
‘Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?’ the lawyer said.
‘Give me the bad news first.’
‘Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.’
‘That's the bad news?’ asked the man incredulously, ‘I can't wait to hear the terrible news.’
‘The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.’

653 Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side, while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

654 Quick One-Liners
How do you know your family is dysfunctional?
If Thanksgiving Dinner consists of wild turkey instead of roasted turkey!

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
‘If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!’

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

655 Six-Legged Turkey
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.
‘Well, I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!’
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
‘I don't know,’ said the farmer, ‘I never could catch the darn thing.’

656 Quick One Liners
- If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age!

- What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!

657 How Do You Keep An Idiot In Suspense
I’ll tell you tomorrow.

658 Travelling In New Zealand
There was an elderly couple from Iowa visiting New Zealand on vacation a few years ago. They rented a car and decided to tour the Nth. Island. No sooner had they reached the countryside when Mother, who was the driver and was hard of hearing, was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.
The traffic cop did the twirly thing with his fingers to wind down the window, which she did.
The cop said to her, ‘Madam, you were doing over the legal speed limit.’
She said to her husband, ‘What did he say?’
Her husband shouted, ‘He said you were speeding.’
She said to the cop, ‘I'm sorry officer,’ to which the officer replied, ‘I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue you with a speeding ticket.’
She said to her husband, ‘What did he say?’
He shouted back, ‘He said he's going to cite you for speeding.’
By this time the cop had become aware of her hearing problem and as he was writing out the ticket, he asked, ‘Where are you from?’
She said to her husband, ‘What did he say?’ and he yelled back, ‘He wants to know where you're from.’
She said to the cop, ‘I'm from the United States of America.’
The cop then muttered to himself, ‘I went there once and had the worst sex I'd ever had in my life.’
She said to her husband (You guessed it) ‘What did he say?’ to which he replied in a very loud voice, ‘HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!’

659 American Tourist
A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
‘This place,’ the guide told them, ‘is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, and nothing replaced in all those years.’
‘Wow,’ said one woman dryly, ‘they must have the same land- lord I have.’

660 The Waking Patient
Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
‘I'm about to close,’ the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, ‘I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!’
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, ‘Suture self.’

661 Timid Boy
A young man was infatuated with a certain young woman, but he was so timid, he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his best friend that every time he got near her, he felt about as tall as a tiny pebble.
‘Well,’ his friend responded, ‘If you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!’

662 The Pig and Cops
? Wait a sec.... Shouldn't the cops be wearing the pig outfit? I mean, if the shoe fits, wear it!
? ‘We're arresting you for drunk driving, and no, the costume didn't help you any, Mr. Bush.’
? ‘213 in progress... Illegal porking.’
? Headquarters, we're bringing home the bacon!
? Don't you just hate it when pork goes bad.
? I didn't know I was in violation of the law to be a road hog!
? No, Lenny! Not that guy--he's one of us--can't you tell?
? Impersonating an officer is an offence!
? The Three Little Pigs... Submitted By: biff Hey brother, you took it too far this time... You're going to the pen.

663 Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
‘Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,’ the wife explained, ‘he was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.
He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.’

664 Grades
A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.
‘What's the matter, Son?’ asked his mother.
‘Aw, gee,’ said the boy, ‘It's my grades. They're all wet.’
‘What do you mean 'all wet?'‘
‘You know,’ he replied, .’.. Below C-level.’

665 Florida Senior Citizens
A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
‘My arms are so weak, I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,’ said one.’
Ha! My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee,’ replied another.
‘I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,’ said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
‘My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,’ another went on.
‘I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,’ winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
‘Well, it's not all bad,’ said one woman cheerfully, ‘thank goodness we can still drive!’

666 Bill And Hill
Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving in the country near Hillary's hometown.
They are low on fuel, so Bill stops at a gas station.
The man at the gas station comes out and looks into the window.
‘Hey, Hillary! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?’ he asks.
They talk merrily for a few minutes. Bill pays, and they leave. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.
‘You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be if you hadn't married me,’ he says.
Hillary looks at Bill and says to him, ‘Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be President’

667 At The Old Ball Game
The Clinton family went to a baseball game. As they settled into their seats, Bill's chief of staff leaned over to him and whispered something in his ear. Bill looked at him with a surprised expression on his face and whispered back. The chief of staff than looked at Bill and nodded. So, Bill shrugged his shoulders, picked up Hillary, and tossed her out onto the field. His chief of staff looked at him horrified and said: ‘No, Mr. President. I said throw the first PITCH!!!’

668 The Five Levels of Drinking
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.
Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, ‘Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine.’

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf.
You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, ‘Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway?
These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep... I'm cool.’

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf.
And now you're thinking, ‘Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!’
At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face.
You get drinking fantasies (like, ‘Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.’)
But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger... And he's buying. And you're thinking ‘Oh, come on, come on now, as long as I get three hours sleep... And a complete change of blood, I'm cool.’

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending.
For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!
This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face!
And now you're thinking, ‘Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen.’
You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar.
Here at level four, you actually think to yourself, ‘Well... As long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well.... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlour (‘But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!’), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... That morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going ‘Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine.’
At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding.
A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, ‘Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!’
One of your friends stands up and screams, ‘WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!’ - and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you?
You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say ‘Who's Simon?’
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.
We all say the same prayer then, ‘I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!’
And some of us have that little addition, ‘and this time, I mean it!

669 Migrating Birds and Dumb Questions...
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons and asked the aging birds...
‘Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?’
‘No, thanks,’ replied the vultures, ‘they're carrion.

670 One-Liners Galore...
Behind every great man is a great woman... And behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!

Customer Service Sign: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Endless Love:
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

For Sale:
Taliban rifle.
Never fired.
Dropped once.

Vegetarian:
Native American definition for ‘lousy hunter.’

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.(Think about it :)

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there –
is he still wrong?

And a final word to the wise...
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

671 Honest Lawyer for Hire...
An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
‘As I'm sure you can understand,’ she started off with one of the first applicants, ‘in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.’
She leaned forward.
‘Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?’
‘Honest?’ replied the job prospect, ‘let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case!’
‘Impressive. And what sort of case was that?’ asked the investment counsellor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted...
‘The one where he sued me for the $15,000.’

672 The free ride is over...
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 years old.
She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, when one day the boy who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, ‘I'll be 16 tomorrow!’
‘I know, I know’ said the butcher with a smile, ‘I've been counting too!’
‘Now tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the LAST free meat she'll get from me... And watch the expression on her face!’
When the boy arrived home he told his mother what the butcher had said.
The woman nodded and said, ‘Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I've also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years...and watch the expression on HIS face!’

673 Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

674 Republicans & Democrats
To show unity, Republicans and Democrats have been quite chummy lately and seen together often.
Just recently, a Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came upon homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help this one.
He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

675 Watermelons
Three guys were sailing, when a storm blew up, and capsized their boat. Luckily, they were right near an island, so they quickly swam towards it. On the shore, there was a giant throne with a giant man on top of it. He was surrounded by wolves.
‘If you go into the forest, and find 10 of one kind of fruit, I will tell my wolves not to eat you.’ So the three guys ran in to the forest to find some fruit. The first guy came back with 10 apples.
‘Now you must stuff all 10 up your but without wincing, or making a sound!’ The guy started. He got 1,2,3 - but then started crying. The wolves ate him. The second guy came back with 10 berries. He was told to do the same thing. He got 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 - But then burst out laughing. The wolves ate him too. The 1st guy and the 2nd guy met up in heaven.
The first guy asked ‘Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!’
‘I saw the third guy coming with an armload of watermelons!’

676 A Famous Knick Fan
On their way home from a Knick game, Woody announced to Soon Yi that they needed to have a serious talk. Sensing their relationship was in grave danger, Soon Yi anxiously asked, ‘Do I not give you enough privacy to work?’
‘No, I have plenty of time for that.’
‘Do I not please you in bed?’
‘No, it's not that either.’
Just then Soon Yi's worst fear rushed to the foreground of her mind. She couldn't hold it back.
‘You're not in love with our daughter, are you?’ she pleaded.
‘Oh, for crying out loud, don't be ridiculous’, Woody assured her, ‘I'd say it's more of a crush.’

677 Three Drunks
Three drunk drivers were in court standing in front of a very cross-eyed Judge.
The Judge looked at the first man and said ‘How do you plead?’
The second man said ‘Not guilty.’
The Judge turned to the second man and said, ‘I wasn't talking to you. You are fined $30.00 for contempt of court.’
The third man paid the fine.

678 Lumberjack Joke
Lumberjack Joe was pushing a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally sheared off all ten of his fingers. He rushed to the emergency room in agony. The doctor, looking on in disgust, asked the bloody-handed victim for the pile of fingers.
‘I haven't got the fingers,'' yelped Joe.
‘What do you mean you haven't got the fingers?’ replied the doctor, ‘It's the year 2001. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?''
‘I couldn't pick 'em up.’

679 A Jock's Excuse
A college English professor reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass jock in the back of the room asks, ‘What about extreme sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, ‘You can write with your other hand.’

680 The Winning Ticket
A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.
Her husbands says, ‘Hey how did you get this?’
She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewellery etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.
She gets in and says to him, ‘Why did you put in so little water?’
‘Well, we don't want your lotto ticket getting wet now do we?!’

681 Super-Size It!
A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, ‘Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?’
‘Done,’ said the genie and disappeared.
Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his ‘size.’ Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.
‘Problem?’ inquired the genie.
‘Yes,’ the man responded, ‘Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?’
‘And what might that be?’ asked the genie.
‘Could you make my legs longer?’

682 B-Ball One Liners
The first rule of watching basketball on TV: Watch only the last two minutes.
Nothing much happens until then and they only last a half hour.

I play in the over-40’s basketball league.
We don't have jump balls.
The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.

College basketball exists out of necessity. If there was no basketball, it would be necessary for the players to attend class.
Basketball is America's favourite ‘running’ sport. Number two is avoiding child support payments.

684 Slapshots
Q: Why was there a timeout in the leper hockey game?
A: There was a face off in the corner!

Q. What do hockey players and torn clothing have in common?
A. Just stitch them up and they'll be as good as new!

Q: Why are hockey games so bloody?
A: Because they have three periods

685 Equipped
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, ‘Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading my book,’ She replied... As she thought to herself, ‘duh -- isn't it obvious?’
‘You're in a restricted fishing area,’ he informed her.
‘But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,’ snapped the irate woman.
‘But, I haven't even touched you,’ groused the sheriff.
‘Yes, that's true, she replied, 'but you do have all the equipment'.’

686 Mounting Animals
A guy walks into a bar down in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, ‘You ain't from around here.
Where you from, boy?’
The guy says, ‘I'm from Pennsylvania.’
The bartender asks, ‘What do you do up in Pennsylvania?’
The guy responds, ‘I'm a taxidermist.’
The bartender asks, ‘A taxidermist... What the hell is a taxidermist?’
The guy says ‘I mount dead animals.’
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, ‘It's okay boys, he's one of us!’

687 Q&A
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

688 Victory Celebration
After drowning his sorrows at the bar for what seemed to be all night, Fred, said to the bartender, ‘I must be the most pathetic thing you've seen in a long time.’
‘Not exactly,’ corrected the bartender.
‘You see that table of baseball players over there?’
Fred looked and saw a local men's baseball team celebrating with plenty of beer and hearty laughter.
The bartender continued, ‘They finally broke a two season long losing streak.’
‘Well you can't blame them for celebrating.’
‘Yes you can,’ the bartender argued.
‘The game was rained out.’

689 The Amazing Catch
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
‘Hey, lady,’ yells Larry, ‘Throw me the cat.’
‘No,’ she cries, ‘It's too far.’
‘I play football, I can catch him.’
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline, bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

690 Hung Like A Wilson
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball and, seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
‘What's that?’ she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
‘Tennis ball,’ came the breathless reply.
‘Oh,’ said the girl sympathetically, ‘that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once.’

691 Batter Vs. Pitcher
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:
‘I'm the greatest hitter in the world,’ he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
‘Strike One!’ he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, ‘I'm the greatest hitter in the world!’
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
‘Strike Two!’ he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, ‘I'm the greatest hitter in the world!’
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed.
‘Strike Three!’
‘Wow!’ he exclaimed, ‘I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!’

692 Proof Of Cheating
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.’
His second friend says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.’
Paddy says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’

693 Cooperation
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?’
The little boy nodded yes.
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?’
Again the little boy nodded.
‘Good,’ said the coach, ‘now go over there and explain it to your mother.’

694 The Fix
After the wrestling match, the interviewer approached Butch in his locker room.
‘What happened out there tonight, Butch? Just about everyone expected you to win this match.’
‘I can't understand it either,’ Butch said, ‘I won in rehearsal.’

695 Post Game Play
After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
‘Alright honey,’ he says, ‘Give me a play you want me to run.’
‘How about foreplay?’ his wife replies.
‘What's the foreplay?’ says Doug.
‘You know,’ the wife says, ‘It happens before the two minute warning.’

696 The L. A. Cavaliers
The divorce Judge asked little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with.
Little Johnny replied, ‘Not my daddy, he beats me. Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too.’
Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, ‘I know! I want to live with the Cavs! They don't beat anybody!’

697 Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: ‘Olympic Condoms.’ Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
‘Olympic condoms?’ she blurts, ‘what makes them so special?’
‘They're in three colours,’ he replies, ‘gold, silver, and bronze.’
‘What colour are you planning on wearing tonight?’ she asks cheekily.
‘Why, gold, of course,’ says the man proudly.
‘Really?’ she responds, ‘why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change.’

698 Genie In A Bottle
A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, ‘Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!’
The wife teed up and it smashed right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, ‘I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.’
They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say ‘Come on in.’ They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ‘are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.’ The husband replied.
‘No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself.’
‘Wow, great!’ the husband said, ‘I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!’
‘No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?’ the genie said, looking at the wife.
‘I want a house in every country of the world!’ she said.
‘Consider it done!’ the genie replied.
‘And what's your wish genie?’ the husband asked.
‘Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.’
The husband looked at the wife and said ‘Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care.’
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ‘How old is your husband anyway?’
‘35,’ she replied.
‘And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!’

699 Three Pints
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’
The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.’
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
‘Oh, no,’ he, says, ‘Everyone's fine. I'VE just quit drinking.’

700 The Deflating XFL
The XFL is continuing to get sacked in the ratings game. Before the season kicked off, many people, including XFL Executives, were concerned the new league would encourage mob violence in the stands. Now they're just praying for mobs, period.

701 Bob Knight Clutching Onto Texas Tech Job
Texas Tech claims they're ready for the Bobby Knight era to begin.
Athletic Director, Gerald Myers said he plans to put together a list of possible candidates for head coach, but admitted the focus has been on Knight.
‘At this point, coach Knight is the only one I've talk to and have been severely threatened by.’

702 Woman Troubles
Ben, a local hunter, went into his favourite bar and ordered 6 double vodkas. Bob, the bartender said, ‘Wow, you must have had a bad day.’
‘Yeah’, said Ben, ‘I just found out my older brother is gay.’
The next day Ben showed up and again ordered 6 doubles.
Bob said, ‘What, more problems.’
And Ben replied, ‘Damn right, I just found out that my younger brother is gay.’
The third day, the same routine, 6 doubles.
Bob said, ‘Doesn't anyone in your family prefer women?’
‘Yeah,’ said Ben, ‘I just found out my wife does.’

703 A Paradox
If a fish warden and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or continue reading your paper?

704 Shooting Craps
A Mets fan walks into a bar dressed up in his new jersey and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Babe Ruth on the wall.
He was just about to leave when the barman says: ‘Where do you think you're going?’
The Mets fan replies: ‘I'm sorry, I just noticed Babe Ruth there and I think I'd better leave,’
The barman says: ‘No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the dice Pal,’
The Mets fan looks puzzled and says: ‘Roll the dice?’
The Barman replies: ‘Yeah. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the mess out of you,’
The Mets fan says: ‘What if I roll a 6?’
The barman replies: ‘You get another go.’

705 False Idols
There was this man who returned to New York for a visit after 10 years working in Atlanta.
As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, ‘Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00.’
The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.
‘Well’ said the man, ‘its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story.’
‘I'll just take the cat’, said the man.
‘Very well, but you will be back’ said the salesman.
The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.
As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning round he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The further he walked the more cats seemed to appear to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see about 1,000 cats behind him.
‘Screw this’ he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.
The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.
‘I knew you would be back, $150.00 for the story’ said the salesman.
‘Forget the story’ said the man, ‘have you got a bronze Mets fan?’

706 Losing Memory
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, ‘Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?’
‘Outstanding,’ Fred replied, ‘they taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me.’
‘That's great! What was the name of that clinic?’
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, ‘What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?’
‘You mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that's it!’ He turned to his wife....’Rose, what was the name of that clinic?’

707 Florida Mom
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, ‘How are you doing?’
She said, ‘Not too good. I've been very weak.’
The son then asked why she was so weak. She said it was because she hadn't eaten in 38 days.
The son then asked, ‘How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?’
She said, ‘Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called.’

708 The Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
‘Lady, we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.’
‘My goodness,’ the woman replied, ‘who sent you on such a challenging hunt?’
‘Our baby-sitter's boyfriend.’

709 Breaking The Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
‘The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.’
He continued, ‘Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?’
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: ‘How much for a season pass?’

710 Words Words Words
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, ‘What?’

711 Twin Trouble
Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, she said to him, ‘I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible.’
Joe said, ‘oh, hell no. Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in front. The hole got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it got hard to keep her upright. But hat really finished her off was these four guys who rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they wanted to have a go with her anyway. The damn' fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. While they were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up the middle!’
The Old Lady Fainted......

712 Food For Thought
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it.
‘Mostly baloney,’ said the proprietor.

713 The Snake and the Bunny Rabbit...
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, ‘You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!’
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted...
‘Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. You're a Democrat!’

714 George Carlin's I'm a BAD American!
George Carlin Speaks Out...

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.
I like big cars, big hooters and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not to some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't use the excuse ‘it's for the children’ as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever cancelled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what colour you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

715 Restructuring Management
Manager: I'll give you fifty dollars a week to start with and a hundred dollars a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
One player says to another, ‘Our team is doing so badly that ‘Manager of the Month’ isn't an award. It's an appointment!’

716 Annual Inspection
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
‘What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?’ he asked.
‘It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,’ said the angry woman.
‘In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'‘
‘What's wrong with that?’ asked the driver.
‘Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'who left the garage door open?'‘

717 Wisdom
Fishermen are born honest, but they get over it.

Some fishermen catch their best fish by the tale.

718 Poker Face
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?’
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.’
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.’
She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!’
Rippington says, ‘I'll tell him.’

719 Competitive Stress
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, ‘How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?’
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, ‘A basketball coach?’

721 Bear Hunting
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found what he was looking for and a huge one at that. Taking careful aim he fired his high powered rifle and only injured and enraged the bear.(he sneezed)
The bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He was pretty fast but the angry bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the door and yelled to his friend inside, ‘You skin this one while I go get another!

722 Redneck Father And Son
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘Paw, What's 'at?’
The father responded, ‘Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, ‘Boy, go git yo Momma...’

723 Big Ass
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: ‘You're butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.’
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
‘Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!’
The wife chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
‘What's wrong?’ he asks.
She answers: ‘Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?’

724 Directions
A bus carrying a minor league baseball team pulled up beside a local in a village.
‘What's the quickest way to York?’ the driver asked.
The local scratched his head.
‘Are you walking or driving?’ he asked the stranger.
‘I'm driving.’
‘That's the quickest way!’

725 Country Living
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea.
‘Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs and go shooting?’
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
‘How did you enjoy that?’ asked the uncle.
‘It was great!’ exclaimed the nephew, ‘got any more dogs?’

726 Sports Ticker
A father is watching a basketball game when his son walks into the room.
‘What's the score, dad?’ the son asks.
‘117 to 114,’ the father replies.
‘Which team is winning?’ the son asks.
The father without moving his eyes from the television says, ‘The team with 117 points.’

727 Local Yokel
While sportfishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, ‘Are there any gators around here?’
‘Naw,’ the man hollered back, ‘they ain't been around for years!’
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there, he called out again.
‘How'd you get rid of the gators?’
‘We didn't do nothin',’ the beachcomber said.
‘Really?’ asked the tourist.
‘Didn't have to. The sharks got 'em!’

728 Air Jordan
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, Michael Jordan plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at Jordan trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the Jordan's chest.
About five minutes later the Michael wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
‘So,’ says the little guy, ‘are you feeling better now?’

729 Autograph Collection
After a game between the Lakers and the Sonics a little six year old boy impressed by Patrick Ewing went up to him and said ‘Patrick could you please sign your autograph on my shirt?’
Patrick said, ‘Yeah sure. That's a nice dog you have, what's its name?’
‘Well,’ the little boy said, ‘I use to call it Kennedy but, my Dad said I can't because it would be disrespectful to the greatest president this country has ever seen.’
So Patrick asked, ‘What's its name now’
‘I was going to call it Patrick Ewing but, my Dad said I can't.’
‘Why would your father let you call it Patrick Ewing’ Patrick asked.
The little boy said, ‘Oh well he said, it would be disrespectful to the dog...’

730 Groaner
A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
(DOH!)

731 And the winner is...
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, ‘Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?’
The farmer replies, ‘I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.’
‘How?’ asks the man, puzzled.
‘Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . To people who are out standing in their field.’

732 Gone Fishin...
A Good Old Boy took his son fishing one day.
While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, ‘how does this boat float?
The father replied, ‘don't rightly know son.’
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, ‘how do fish breath underwater?’
Once again the father replied, ‘don't rightly know son.’
A little later the boy asked his father, ‘Why is the sky blue?’
Again, the father replied ‘don't rightly know son.’
Finally, the boy asked his father, ‘pop, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?’
The father replied, ‘of course not my boy, if you don't ask questions, ya ain't never gonna learn nothin'!’

733 Soul Searching
A drunken fisherman stumbled upon a baptism service at the river where he fished and walked out in the water to where the minister stood.
The minister turned to the drunk and said, ‘Mister, are you ready to find Jesus ?’
The drunk looks at the preacher and says, ‘Ya Rev, I sure am.’
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water, pulls him up asking, ‘Have you found Jesus ?’
The drunk replies, ‘No.’
So the preacher dunks him a bit longer, pulls him up and again asks, ‘Did you find Jesus ?’
To the drunks reply of No, the minister gets disgusted, pushes the man under the water for about 30 seconds, pulls him up and asks in a harsh voice, ‘Now, my good man, have you found Jesus yet ?’
The old fisherman wipes his eyes, spits out some water and says to the minister, ‘ NO, and are you sure this is where he fell in?’

734 Personal Identification
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis.
‘He's not my husband,’ she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
‘He's not my husband either,’ she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
‘Wait a minute,’ she says, ‘he's not even a member of this club.’

735 Hookers Lips
Little Johnny on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say ‘Hi there Johnny!!’
One day Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: ‘Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be, but it's just a joke!’
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. Little Johnny stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, ‘Hi there ladies!

736 Holmes and Watson On a Camping Trip
Holmes and Watson had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, ‘Watson, look up. What do you see?’
‘Well, I see thousands of stars.’
‘And what does that mean to you?’
‘Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?’
‘To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.’

737 The Farter
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ‘Sir, did you call for me?’
Bob replies ‘No, what do you mean.’
She says: ‘You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. ‘Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: ‘Sir, did you call for me?’
Bob replies ‘No, what do you mean’?
The Huge Man: ‘You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.’
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.
The smiling naked receptionist greets him: ‘May I help you?’
Bob says: ‘Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.’
Receptionist: ‘But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...’
Bob replies: ‘Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

738 What is this?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. ‘Good heavens,’ he said, ‘what is this?’
‘Why, it's bean soup,’ she replied.
‘I don't care what it has been,’ he sputtered. ‘What is it now?’

739 Placing your order
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. ‘No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.’
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, ‘Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here.’

740 Oh, Superman
Superman was bored because Batman and Spiderman were on vacation and there was nothing much to do. Flying around New York one day, he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back with her legs apart on the roof of a tall building. He had always lusted after Wonder Woman so he thought he would swoop down and have his wicked way with her.
‘What was that?’ said Wonder Woman afterwards.
The Invisible Man climbed off her and said ‘I dunno, but it hurt.’

741 The Marriage Counsellor
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
‘What seems to be the problem?’
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, ‘Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!’
The husband scratched his head and replied, ‘I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.’

742 Birthday Present
A young man wanted to buy his sweetheart a birthday present. So, after due consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the ready-to-wear shop. He bought a pair of gloves, while his sister got some panties for herself.
In the delivery, the packages became mixed. She got the gloves while he got the panties. Without examination of the package, it was sent to his sweetheart. The following note accompanied the package...
This is to show you that I haven't forgotten your birthday. I chose them because I noticed that you are in the habit of not wearing them when we go out in the evening. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have gotten the long ones with buttons, but she said the short ones are more in style.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they hardly looked soiled. The clerk tried on a pair for me and they looked very smart. When you take them off, blow in them as they may become damp from wearing. How I wish I could put them on you for the first time.
No doubt many men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance. I hope you will like them and wear them on Friday night.
P.S. I just think of how many times I will kiss the back of them in the following years...

743 80yr Old Virgin
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said ‘Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin.’
The doctor checks her out and says ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.’

744 Say It With Flowers
A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, ‘Say It With Flowers.’
‘Wrap up one rose,’ he told the florist.
‘Only one?’ the florist asked.
‘Just one,’ the customer replied. ‘I'm a man of few words.’

745 Playing Dead
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, ‘I thought I told you to be quiet!’
Jerry says, ‘Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!’

746 Actual ad.
Black Female seeks male companionship, Ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old black Labrador retriever.

747 Feet First
A young girl asked her mother ‘Mommy, do you get into heaven feet first?’
‘I don't know, why do you ask?’
‘Because the maid's upstairs with her feet in the air, shouting `God, I'm coming, God, I'm coming,' but dad's on top and won't let her go.’

748 Sorry About Your Smoke Detector
Danny, There was a little ‘incident’ at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain:
I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.
I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself.
I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.
The beeping continued.
Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were removed. About 20 minutes later, I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping. And I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.
I sat back down and heard ‘beep.’
Now I was fuming. I listened to that ‘beep’ about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving shit out of your smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard ‘beep’). It was really getting me mad.
I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough ‘beep.’
I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.
In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep.
So I took them into the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to myself ‘the part that beeps will get smashed.’ Not three seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen, beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed).
I brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the shit out of it.
All of a sudden, I hear ‘beep’, but it was coming from the kitchen!
I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited...and waited...it seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying ‘beep’ coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident.
All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you.

749 Bad News
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

750 Lawyers_1
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

752 Lawyers_3
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

753 Lawyers_4
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

754 Lawyers_5
What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

755 Lawyers_6
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

756 School Hate
Mother: Come on victor you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
Victor: Ahh mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason Mother: You're 34 and you’re the Principal.

757 PC Spell Checker
Eye halve a It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

758 G'day Mate
SYDNEY, Australia (NB)--A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story:
After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.
Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: ‘Did you check to see whether the power was on?’
‘Of course.’
DED: ‘Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?’
‘Of course.’
DED: Then why are you calling me?’
‘Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty,’ pleaded the frustrated purchaser.
‘Of course there is,’ replied the DED, ‘But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover.’
Like we said, he swears it's a true story.

759 Everyone Needs Supplies
An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three men, points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of supplies." He carries on speaking "I'm going to be gone for a while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys have made a dent in that pile".
The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by.
He walks up to them and shouts "what the hell have you been doing for the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?"
The Italian tells him "You put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared."
The boss looks round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from behind the sand and yells "Supplies!"

760 You Cunt
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: ‘As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom’ to which the Queen replies, ‘I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King.’
George Bush thought a while and then said: ‘How about a Principality then?’, to which the Queen replied ‘Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush.’
Bush thought long and hard and came up with ‘How about an Empire then?’
The Queen, getting a little fed up by now, replied ‘Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor.’
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: ‘I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country.’

761 Grand Wizard in the KKK
An Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.’
No one moved.
The preacher continued, ‘Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a ‘drop dead’ gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice shook as she spoke.
‘Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’

762 The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
The Weaker Sex
1. The doctor because he says, ‘Take off your clothes’.
2. The dentist because he says, ‘Open Wide’
3. The hairdresser because he says, ‘Do you want it teased or blown’
4. The milkman because he says, ‘Do you want it in the front or in back?’
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, ‘Once you have it all in, you'll love it!’
6. The banker because he says, ‘If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest’
7. The police officer because he says, ‘Spread 'em.’
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

763 More From Jonathon
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. ‘Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red.’
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered ‘An apple.’
The teacher replied, ‘No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second one. It's soft, fuzzy and colored red and brownish.’
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
‘Is it a peach?’ Billy asks.
‘No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,’ the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.’
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
‘A banana,’ she says.
‘No,’ the teacher replies, ‘it's a squash, but I like your thinking.’
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. ‘Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it.’
‘Johnny!’ she cries. ‘That's disgusting!’
‘Nope,’ answers Johnny, ‘it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!’

764 Medicare
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs Ward asked.
"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" Questioned Mrs Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive test more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

765 Silly
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

766 Bring Me A Beer Before It Starts!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. " Oh ****, it's started."

767 Golf - Doctor, Doctor!
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this’, said the man. ‘I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.’
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.’
‘That's when I made my big mistake.’
‘What did you do?’ asks the doctor. ‘
‘Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.’

768 Old Dog, New Tricks
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.
Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class.
‘I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?’
The professor replied, ‘I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.’

769 Tortoises
Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic. Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. ‘Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener’ ‘I didn't bring it’ says Wayne,’I thought you packed it’
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, ‘Did you bring the bottle opener?’
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, ‘I knew it! ... I'm not fucking going!’

770 It's Killing Us-Diet
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

771 Father/Son
A son asked his father, ‘Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?’
The Father replied, ‘If you really want to know, go ask your mother if she'll sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars, and then go ask your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. And then go ask your brother if he'll sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars, and then come back to me and tell me what you found out.’
So the son goes to his mom and says, ‘Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?’ and the mom says ‘For a Million Dollars, Hell yeah, I would, I've been wanting to forever.’
So the son goes to his sister and asks her if she'll sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars and the sister says ‘Oh man, would I ever. I'd Love To.’
So then the son goes to his brother and says, ‘Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?’ and the brother says, ‘Hmm...for a million dollars, well...a million dollars is a lot of money, so...yeah I guess I'd do it for a million dollars’
So the boy goes back to his dad and the dad says to his son, ‘Well, what did you find out?’
His son replies, ‘Well, we're Potentially sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag.’

772 White Man
All american
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
‘Chief Two Eagles,’ one official began, ‘you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems.’
The chief nodded.
The official continued, ‘What do you think of all the white man has done?’
The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. ‘When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.’
The chief paused, then added, ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’

773 Funny animals
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, ‘Did you see what your monkey just did?’
The guy says, ‘No, what?’
‘He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!’ says the bartender.
‘Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,’ replies the patron. ‘He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.’
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
‘Did you see what your monkey did?’
‘Now what?’ asks the patron.
‘Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!’ says the barkeeper.
‘Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,’ replies the patron. ‘He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first.’

774 Teen Pregnancy
A fourteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period. The parrents shout, curse, cry, who is the pig who did this? The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed with a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I can bequeath her 3 stores, 2 condominiums apartments, a beach villa and a US$ 500,000 yearly bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, apart from the US$500,000. If it is twins, a factory and US$ 250,000 each However, if there is a miscarriage...’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand on the man's shoulder and tells him: ‘You'll fuck her again!’

775 Colonoscopies - All in A Day's Work
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
‘Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before.’
‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
‘Can you hear me NOW?’
‘Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!’
‘Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?’
‘You know, in some states, we're now legally married.’
‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey....’
‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
‘If your hand doesn't fit, you ! must aquit!’
‘Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?’
‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

776 Pickles
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber says ‘Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad’.
The pickle looks at him and says, ‘You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar’.
The penis looks at him and says, ‘You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!’

777 Drinking-Comic Quotes
‘I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ‘ Frank Sinatra
‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’ Henny Youngman
‘24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.’ Stephen Wright
‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’ Benjamin Franklin
‘Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’ Dave Barry
Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser. To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: ‘Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’

778 The Husband Store - Lessons in Life
A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman reads the sign. ‘Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?’
So up she goes.
The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
‘Hmmm, better.’ says the woman. ‘But, I wonder what's further up?’
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.
‘Wow,’ says the woman, ‘very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!’
And, again, she goes up.
On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
‘Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?
So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

779 The Gong
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
One of the guests asked, 'What's that big brass gong?'
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yep,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You jackass, it's ten past three in the morning!'

780 Clean Your Ears
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands.
‘Nurse,’ he mumbles from behind the mask, ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.’
He struggles again to ask, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Again the nurse replies, ‘I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.’
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong.
‘Nurse,’ he mumbles, ‘are my testicles black?’
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, ‘There's nothing wrong with them.’
Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, ‘I said, are my test results back?’

781 500 Dollars
One guy was walking down the street, and on his way he sees a beautiful chick with a very short skirt.
A guy approaches her and says to her, ‘My god, you're so hot. With this kind of look I've got to fuck you. Nothing can be avoided, and no matter what, I've got to fuck you.’
The chick is very shocked and she asks him, ‘What? In the middle of the street?’
The guy answers, ‘I've got to do it at the primary opportunity. So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the floor and while you pick it up, I'll be able to do everything I want. OK?’
The lady seems to look intense. Then she decides to call her friend. She told her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, ‘It's not a big problem - as long as you pick up the $500, it would last a long time until he gets his fireman out of his pants... Just take the money & run.’ The next day the same friend sees the lady walking like an old woman.
The friend asks her, ‘What happened to you?’
The lady answered nervously, ‘That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in Quarters...’

782 A Quarter Trouble
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then quite firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ‘I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?’
‘No,’ the woman replied. ‘Divorce attorney’.

783 Penguin Vacation
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat but, having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, ‘It looks like you've blown a seal.’
‘No, no,’ the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, ‘it's just ice cream.’

784 New Milk Machine
There once was a farmer who owned a bunch of cows. Every day, he would wake up at 6am to go and milk all of his cows by hand. He grew tired of the practice and sought out a better, more efficient way to milk his cows. He came across a company that sold automatic milking machines, and decided to purchase one for his cows.
When it came, the farmer was excited by his new purchase. The farmer was also feeling particularly horny that day and, with his wife was out of town, he had no way of satisfying his urge. He decided to try the new milker on himself.
When he was finished, he said to himself, ‘Wow, this was even better than banging my wife, I gotta try this again sometime’, and went to remove the milker. But there was a problem, it wouldn't release. The farmer started to panic, wondering what was happening. He pressed every single button on the machine and it still would not release. He found the number for customer support, got them on his mobile phone and explained the situation. The farmer was asked for the model number of the milker, which he located and told to the customer support rep.
The response given to the farmer was: ‘I'm sorry sir. You've just purchased our newest model. It will not release until it collects 2 gallons.’

785 Treat Her Like A Woman
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. ‘I'm too young to die,’ she wails. ‘Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well I've had it. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. ‘I can make you feel like a woman,’ he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
‘Iron this.’

786 An Unusual Applicant
A local business looking for office help put a sign in the window saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer”.
A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, since the dog looked determined, he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager, who said, ‘I can't hire you. You have to be able to type.’
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then reminded the dog, ‘The sign says you have to be good with a computer.’
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He then demonstrated his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database which he presented to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, ‘I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.’
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign. he put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. ‘Yes,’ the manager said, ‘but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.’
The dog looked him straight in the face, waited a moment and then said, ‘Meow.’

787 Stupid Statements
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey;
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign;
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward;
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC;
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents;
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark;
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President;
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle;
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP;
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery;
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina.

788 Drunk And Falling Down
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, ‘So you've been out drinking again, have you?’
‘No! What makes you say that?’ he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
‘The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again.’

789 A Great Job
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women when suddenly the Sheik came in.
‘I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.’
The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
‘I'm a cop’, says the first man.
‘Then we will shoot your penis off’, said the Sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
‘I'm a firemen’, said the second man.
‘Then we will burn your penis off,' said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, ‘And you, what do you do for a living?’
And the third man answered, ‘I'm a lollipop salesman!’

790 The Perfect Day
The Perfect Day – Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor caf?1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

791 Deadly Food
A Doctor addressing a large audience said: ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’

792 Sending Old Men To War
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC.
But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission.
"My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food.
We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.
We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

793 Youll Lose Your Mind
A man took his wife to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. After an examination, the doctor took the husband aside and said, ‘I have bad news. There is nothing I can do to help. Your wife has lost her mind completely.’
‘I guess I shouldn't be surprised,’ the man responded calmly. ‘After all, she has been giving me a piece of it every day for the last thirty-five years.’

794 Elderly Marriage
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’ After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?’
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
No even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?’
He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.’
Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.’

795 Damn Women Drivers
This morning on I-5, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new ACURA doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Oscar and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers !

796 The Cursed Prince
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say ‘my darling’. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, ‘My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?’
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: ‘Pardon?’

797 The Wrong Bitch
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted some ‘R & R’ and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked, ‘Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?’
The English woman looked down at the soldier, sniffled and said, ‘You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?’
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, ‘Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.’
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ‘You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!’
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ‘You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.’

798 Wrong Feet
One day, I was going to the store, and Thea wanted to go with me. I told her she could go, but she had to put on her shoes.
Being only 4 years old, she said, "OK, but will you tie them for me?"
"Sure," I replied with a big brother smile.
She bolted into the next room to put on her shoes, returning with a big smile and the shoes on the wrong feet.
Looking at her shoes, I smiled and said, "Thea, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
She looked down, then looked back up at me with a very sad face and replied, "These are the only feet I have."

799 Beer Is The Best
I don't understand.
After the last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, ‘Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything.’
She said, ‘I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you.’
I told her, ‘Hell, that's what the beer was for.’
I don't think she'll be back.

800 Stupid Technician
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As they watched from the passenger’s side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
‘Hey,’ the man announced to the technician, ‘It’s open.’
‘I know,’ answered the young man, ‘I already got that side.’

801 This Is Good
An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, This is good.
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.
Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, This is good.
To which the king replied, No, this is NOT good! and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. You were right, he said, it was good that my thumb was blown off. And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this.
No, his friend replied, This is good.
What do you mean,'This is good' How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year.’
‘If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you.’

802 The Gunfighter
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
‘That's terrific,’ said the hot shot. ‘Got any more tips for me?’
‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the younger man.
‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
‘Wow,’ exclaimed the cowboy. ‘I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?’
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.’

803 Fortune Telling
A woman goes to visit a fortune-teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
‘There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.’
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune-teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: ‘Will I be found guilty?’

804 Needs A Push
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.
‘I’m not getting out of bed at this time,’ he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
‘Hi there,’ slurs the stranger, ‘Can you give me a push?’
‘No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed,’ says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, ‘That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?’
‘But the guy was drunk,’ says the husband.
‘It doesn't matter,’ says the wife.’ He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.’
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, ‘Hey, do you still want a push?’
And he hears a voice cry out, ‘Yeah, please.’
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, ‘Where are you?’
The drunk replies, ‘Over here, on the swing.’

805 Guy who works in meat factory by The Porn Joker
Bill worked in a meat factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the bacon slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist t talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. ‘What's wrong, Bill?’ she asked.
‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the bacon slicer?’
‘Oh, Bill, you didn't.’
‘Yes, I did.’
‘My God, Bill, what happened?’
‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the bacon slicer?’
‘Oh...she got fired as well.’

806 Passing the test
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, ‘I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.’
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

807 According to the dictionary
A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times, and screws her many times as well and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, ‘where’s my money?’
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says ‘gets paid for sex.’
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, ‘Eats shoots and leaves!’

808 Knowledge
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
‘You know,’ he says, ‘I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk.’
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy ‘What would you like to discuss?’
‘Oh, I don't know,’ says the guy. ‘How about nuclear power?’
"OK," says the blonde "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first… A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass, yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded but finally replies, ‘I haven't the slightest idea.’
‘So tell me,’ says the blonde ‘How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t’?

809 Obedient Car
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there so he walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, ‘Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!’
The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look. ‘I don’t know about you, man,’ he said incredulously, ‘but I usually just put my car in park.’

810 The Gorilla
Husband and wife go to the zoo and as they are walking past the gorilla cage, she starts to tease him.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache.