Funny Jokes

Short Animal Jokes

Q: What did the male fly say to the female fly sitting on a pile of cow crap?A: “Pardon me, but is this stool taken?”

Q: What’s the difference between dogs and foxes?A: About four beers.

Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?A: Udder destruction

Funny Joke from mid_nite_poet

We Don't Serve Minors

A “C,” an “E-flat,” and a “G” go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Funny Joke from mid_nite_poet

Australian Businessmen

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up. "

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

Funny Joke from mugley

Electric Chair

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Funny Joke from Scorned Vixen

Careful What You Wish For

A guy found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it. A genie popped out and said,
"I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," replied the genie. So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

by mid_nite_poet

Oh Yes! Yes! I Say

I saw you across a crowded room. Though others were there, the lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then that I had to have you.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you across the threshold.
Gazing at you, I admired your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove the wraps, that hide your body. Exposing your tender pink skin.

From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, and lay you down, so that I can put inside you what will make you complete.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until you can't take any more. And as I make you hot, your sweet juices finally escape your body.

Wrestling Match

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

by Dixie

Tennis?

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Great Truths

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
4) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Great Truths About Growing Old:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) No one other than your contemporaries care how it used to be.
3) Time may be a great healer, ! But it's a lousy beautician.
4) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

by mottie

Therapy

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

3. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

4. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

5. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

10. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity : Delete This E-mail instead of sending it, and Smile !!

It's Called ... THERAPY

by ScornedVixen

A Gift for the Mother-in-Law

Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

contributed by mr wiseguy

Wit and intelligence

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only £4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for £2. ....You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already

contributed by cerina

Communication Technician at the firing range.

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

contributed by Dixie

Two Irishmen in London looking for work

Two Irishmen in London looking for work are strolling down Oxford Street.
Suddenly, Paddy turns to his pal and says: "Michael, will you look at that shop over there, I thought London was supposed to be expensive, but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

You're right, Paddy, so you are. I can't believe it. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

"Michael that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure you'd have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

"Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Michael", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in me 'Sky Rocket'."

The owner smiles, takes a look at Michael as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh bejabbers, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know we were Irish?"

The shopkeeper replies, "This is a Dry Cleaners".

contributed by mid_nite_poet

I'd Really Rather Have A Job

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, You know I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is Excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

contributed by BladeBV

Deaf-mutes and their conversations.

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching cricket on TV, and Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over he couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match-stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him - I'm watching the match.'

contributed by mr wiseguy

A True Scot

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.
'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.
'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.
'How much for a new one?'
'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna,
places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says.
'We'll have a new one.'

contributed by cerina

Gynecology conference

A man was sitting at a hotel bar, when a group of men sat down next to him and ordered a round of drinks.
"You guys with a convention?"
"Yes, we're with the Gynecology conference"
"Really? I was this close" he holds up his finger and thumb about an inch apart "to becoming a Gynecologist."
"So what did you end up doing?"
"I'm a proctologist."

contributed by mr wiseguy

Burial At Sea The Irish Way!

Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra

contributed by cerina

6 truths of life:

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading this first truth, try it.

3) The first truth is a lie.

4) You're smiling now because you are an idiot.

5) You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6) There's still a stupid smile on your face

How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Potato in your Pants

After a day at the beach Moe asked "Joe, how come all the girls are interested in you, and they don't pay any attention to me"?

Joe said," well, if you won't tell anyone I'll tell you my secret. All you have to do is put a potato in your swimming suit. Then they will notice you!"

After the next day at the beach, Moe said "Joe look, I did what you said, and all they did was laugh at me."

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," I think you misunderstood me yesterday.

Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

Squeeze the Lemon

A big burly bartender had a contest going. Anyone that could get another drop of juice out of a lemon after he squeezed it would receive $1000.

All the stevedores, lumberjacks, oil workers, construction workers every type of strong men tried, but they all failed. Then, one day a scrawny little man with glasses and a derby hat came in, and asked to try out.

Of course all the barflies, etc., laughed their heads off. If those other strong men couldn't do it, how could this small person possibly do it.

So the bartender got a lemon and squeezed with all his might until no more juice was left and handed it to him.

He squeezed and squeezed and, by George, not one, but three drops came out!

The bartender couldn't believe it! He exclaimed, "How did you do that? What line of work are you in, mister?"

The answer was "Why, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

At camp

Several friends were at camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long."

She always wanted a parrot

This woman has always wanted a parrot and so she saves up her money and buys a parrot. As soon as she gets the parrot home it begins saying these incredibly foul obscenities. The woman rightly offended by the bird's use of the English language takes the bird back to the pet store where she got it and explains to the owner the problem. The owner agrees that the bird's language is most certainly unacceptable and tells her that the next time the parrot swears to put the parrot in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes.

The woman takes the parrot home and no sooner do they get through the door when the parrot states an obscenity so foul, it would make a Marine drill sergeant blush.

The woman take the Parrot and places him in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. At the end of two minutes she opens the door and she sees the parrot standing there shivering. The woman says to the parrot "that's it I've had it. I'll have no more swearing out of you. If you do it again I'll put you back in the freezer" The parrot replies "I won't do it again, I swear, I'll be good". The woman takes the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot looks at the woman and says, with trepidation in his voice, " I've just got one question, What did the chicken say?"

Farmer Brown and his Wife

Farmer Brown and his wife went to the Dr. They told the Dr that Mr. Brown worked in the field and when he felt sexy, he would leave his mules and plow and run to the house. But, by the time he got to the house he was out of the mood. They asked the Dr's advice.

The Dr said? "Why don't you take your shotgun with you to the field. Then when you feel the urge, fire the shotgun and start running to the house. When the wife hears the gun, she should start running toward you. That way, you'll meet half way and everything should be alright.

They left. A few weeks later the Dr saw Mr. Brown in town and asked him how the idea worked out.

Mr. Brown said; "Fine until hunting season started and the wife ran herself to death."

I Fart all the Time

An old lady came into her Doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do"?

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week".

The next week an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blake's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they are still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself"?

Saving Time

An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig.

What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily.

He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you".

The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time."

The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Hell, mister, what's time to a pig?"

Women Drivers

Joe: "I wish the women would leave the driving to us." John: "
Hey! What happened?"
Joe: "My wife backed the car out of the garage this morning."
John: "So what's wrong with that?"
Joe: "I backed it in last night."

How is my bull doing?

A farmer had about 30 cows that needed servicing, but he did not have a bull. So he went to his friend down the road and asked if he could buy one of his bulls. The friend said he would sell him his best bull and he would guarantee him.

A week later the two met in town and the friend said, "How is my bull doing?" The farmer said, "He isn't doing anything all he does is just sit around and eat, he hasn't touched one of my cows."

The friend says, "I guaranteed him, take him to the vet and he will fix him up and I will pay the bill." So that was what the farmer did.

A week later they met in town again. The friend says, "How is my bull doing now?" The farmer said, "I couldn't believe it, he serviced all 30 of my cows in just one afternoon."

The friend said, "My goodness what did the vet give him?"

The farmer said, "I don't remember the name of the medicine, but it sort of tasted like peaches."

You look great

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

Rural Physician

A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth. The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing.

After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing.

The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"

Henpecked Husbands and He-men

There were two entrances to the Pearly Gates and over one was a sign saying "Henpecked Husbands".

There was an extremely long line in front of that entrance. The other entrance had a sign saying "He-men". There was only one shriveled up little guy waiting there.

St. Peter went up to the little guy and asked him why he was waiting there and the little guy said "my wife told me to stand here".

How much are your Nuts?

Jack wanted to buy some nuts so he went to the store. There he saw several kinds. He asked the store owner, "How much the almonds cost?" the owner said, "Ten dollars pound." Jack said they are too high. Then he asked the cost of the cashews. The owner replied, twelve dollars per pound." Jack walked over to the peanuts and asked the price. The owner said nine dollars per pound.

Then Jack looked at the owner and asked what's that on your chin? The owner said it was a pimple, haven't you seen a pimple before?

Well, Bob said, "I thought it might be your navel since your nuts are so high.

Potatoes

You're traveling in the South. There are three potatoes sitting on the curb. How do you tell which is the prostitute?

The one that has the sign that says IDAHO

Helpful Lingerie Clerk

A man walked into the lingerie department in a large department store. After getting up enough nerve, he approached a saleslady. Seeing he was already red faced, she asked if she could help him.

He finally stammered and told her his wife had asked him to get her a bra. When he was asked what size she wanted, he realized he didn't know. Being helpful, the clerk asked him if he could give her a clue.

" Are they the size of grapefruits " she asked. " No", he said, " not that big. " Well, how about oranges ", "no not that big ". "plums " " no".

Running out of fruits she said," how about eggs . His face lit up as he said "yes!!! fried eggs".

Behind a really Large Woman

A little boy and his father were standing in line at the grocery store behind a really large woman. She was dressed like an executive and was wearing a beeper.

The little boy was bored and could not stop looking at the woman. Finally, he said to his father, "Dad, look at the size of her rear!"

The father was appalled and said, "Shh! Son, Its not nice to talk that way about other people!"

So, after being quiet for a while longer, the little boy said "Dad, take a look at the size of her legs!" and again the dad says, "Quiet son , you're embarrassing me!"

It wasn't long after that when her beeper went off, and the boy shouted, "Look out Dad, she's backing up!"

Drunk in a Telephone Booth

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.. "salvation Army" came the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man. "We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

Anal Deodorant

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them.

The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.

The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years.

The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

Zippers

At the bus station, there was a fairly long line waiting to get on the bus. The bus driver unlocked the coach, started up the bus, and motioned for the first in line to board.

The first in line was a very beautiful woman with a great figure. She had on a very tight sweater and a leather mini-skirt which zipped up in the back. She started to step up into the bus, but found her skirt was too tight. She smiled at the driver, then reached around with her arm and unzipped about two inches, thinking that would loosen things up enough so she could get up the steps. But again, she found that her skirt was still too tight. So she reached around again and unzipped about two more inches, then took a step up. But she found that the skirt was still too tight.

The bus driver said, "Look, lady, we've got a schedule to keep. Hurry up and get on the bus. She apologized to the driver, and reached around one more time and zipped down two more inches, but she still could not get enough freedom to get up the steps.

Finally, the second in line, a big Texan, put his hands around her waist, picked her up, deposited her on the floor of the coach, and smacked her in the butt.

She whirled around and slapped him, and said "What makes you think you have the right to touch me like that? We don't even know each other!"

The Texan, with a puzzled look on his face, said with a drawl, "Wal, I kinda thought we knew each other a little better than that. After all, y'all've unzipped ma' fly three times!"

Farmer and a Bodily Injury Claim

A Texas Insurance Agent tells of a courtroom exchange between a defense Attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim.

Attorney," At the scene of the accident did you tell the 'Constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer "that's right." Attorney, "Well then how is it you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's automobile hit your wagon?"

Farmer "When the constable arrived he went over to Rover ,my dog, who was all banged up and shot him. Then he went over to my horse who had a broken leg and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say, "I've never felt better in my life

A Terrible Accident

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

Helpful Wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"

She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

I'm a soldier in the German Army

As ordered, each man took his place in ranks, oblivious to the freezing cold and snow. The major, then proceeded to walk through the ranks, stopping at one soldier.

The major took his swagger stick, and proceeded to strike the youngsoldier across the face. " Did that hurt? demanded the major. " Nien" replied the soldier. "And why not?"questioned the major.

The soldier replied, "because I'm a soldier in the German Army" "Very good" said the major. The officer then approached another soldier, and taking his swagger stick, pushed it forcefully into the young man's stomach.

The young soldier made no sound, nor did he move. "Did that hurt?" the major asked. "Nien " was the soldier's response. "And why not?" asked the major. The young soldier responded with "because I'm a soldier in the German Army".

"Good" said the major. The major then looked down the row of naked men, and noticed one of them was sexually aroused.
Walking over to this soldier, the major raised his swagger stick, and with all his might, brought it down on the fully erect manhood..

"Did that hurt? asked the major. "Nien " was the soldier's reply. The major now standing face to face with the young soldier asked "And why not?.

The soldier, looking the major directly into his eyes, quietly said "because it belongs to da man behind me

A Second Chance

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Hierologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by saying you know about the whole family.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Secure That Building

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy