Giving advice: Who asked you?

Published 10:31 am, Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Anna desperately wanted to discuss her concerns with Kara, her younger sister. Kara had everything going for her -- a great career, a good heart and beauty. But for some reason, Kara kept choosing men whom Anna thought were beneath her. Finally, when Kara started dating a stable and successful young guy, Anna was thrilled. Then Kara broke up with him, claiming that they had nothing in common.

This was the final straw for Anna, who felt she owed it to her sister to weigh in on the matter. She wanted to know how to present her "case" to her sister. Here's what I told her: "The best approach to offering unsolicited advice is not to give it in the first place."

There are good reasons why most of us get our hackles up when anyone decides to offer us unsolicited advice:

Generally speaking we each want to believe that we're the best experts on ourselves.

Our personal boundaries feel violated when someone decides to offer advice for which we haven't asked.

That said, there may still be times when you want to speak your mind, even at the risk of annoying, hurting or angering the recipient of your concerns. If you decide to test these uncharted -- and potentially treacherous -- waters, here are some things to consider:

Check your motive. Are you doing this for yourself or for her? Is your goal truly one of concern or do you have another agenda?

Do a cost/benefit analysis. Consider the potential outcome of speaking your mind. If you think that doing so may put undue strain on your relationship with her, or potentially end it, you might want to reconsider.

Thoughtfully deliver the message by doing the following:

1. Ask her to completely hear you out before responding. If you don't, she may be so busy defending her position that she doesn't hear a word you say.

2. Remind her that like everyone else you are flawed and have certainly made your share of short-sighted decisions.

3. Tell her that what you are about to say comes from a place of care and concern.

4. Share, without judgment or condescension, your worries.

5. Tell her that ultimately, you realize that it's her life.

6. If appropriate, let her know that ultimately, you have faith in her ability to make a good decision about the situation.

Sometimes changing the form of communication by putting it in writing can make it easier for the other person to completely hear and digest your remarks. And if she does so, she may actually be able to see some wisdom in your words, even if they hurt.

Consider that someone else may make a better messenger than you. If your relationship with her is already strained or if you've already been over the subject matter before, all of your best efforts at tact and diplomacy may be in vain if the words come from you.

After our discussion, Anna chose not to share her concerns with Kara. Within a few months Kara met a terrific guy who was embraced by the whole family. Anna realized that Kara had simply been exploring the world of relationships, as she herself had done, and simply just needed time to listen to her own gut about her choice in a mate. In retrospect Anna was so grateful that she had withheld her pearls of wisdom.

In sum, when offering unsolicited advice, please proceed with caution. Considering the steps above will increase the odds of a less than disastrous outcome and may even lead to a good one.