~ Random scribblings from someone who should know better

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Here in lovely Washington DC it is already Fall. The weather is cooler, we’re trading shorts for sweaters, and the pumpkin spice/ cinnamon/ fall drink menus are out. There’s something about new seasons that makes you take a look around and make a change to your life. So late into Saturday night I sit around philosophizing about life and putting together my abstract ‘to-do’ list. Waking up late on Sunday morning (okay, almost afternoon but #dontjudgeme), I see I got a text early in the morning from my sister in Nairobi.

Wait… what?

I look at my phone, confused. What follows is a conversation between my sister and my mother about the situation, discussing what she should do, and if she should leave the house. The “where are/were you” roll call begins:

My sister was driving over to Westgate for cupcakes but changed my mind on the way over. She’s safe…

One friend was there and they got out quickly, but they are traumatized…

A business colleague was trapped for hours before she could get out. She can barely speak…

A family friend had to run his kids barefoot across the parking lot to escape…

Its unreal. So unreal. How does this happen in Kenya? Its Kenya! Things like this happen in other countries, not Kenya! I start trying to find places to follow news coverage. First, CNN. That lasts for all of five minutes as some correspondent basically posits that the only reason that Westgate is significant is because there were Americans involved. I am infuriated! Are the lives lost any less valuable because they’re Kenyan?

After a short twitter rant, a good friend reminds me that I have a Roku and can stream my news. Sky News comes to the rescue with real time, thoughtful analysis about the situation from an international point of view. Finally, I move to the KTN Livestream to learn more from the local perspective. The images of people fleeing for their lives are heartbreaking.

As we watch the situation unfold over the next few days (days!!) texts are flying back and forth from friends and loved ones around the world. The sense of unreality remains. I’m so far away. So impotent. There’s nothing I can do from my living room in Washington DC but watch and pray. Suddenly all my ‘change in season’ musings seem so trivial. There are those for whom life has just stopped. 68 precious people will never get to go home and be with their loved ones. Survivors are only just beginning the long road to mental and emotional healing. Businesses and livelihoods are destroyed. A nation suffers the scars of a brutal act of terror, and we’ve all just lost a little more of our idealism and sense of safety in the world.

The truth is that its not over, its just beginning. The mourning, the rebuilding, the processing, the healing… In the days and months ahead we will all be trying to make sense of the senseless. How do you even begin to understand the incomprehensible? Is there really any answer that someone could give you that would make you say, ‘Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense to me now.’

I have no easy slogans or profound words of wisdom to offer. Saying that God is on the throne seems trite and insufficient, but its true. This one thing I thing I hold on to. I don’t know, He does, and that has to be enough. I do know that life is too short to live by the sidelines. Go after those dreams. Make yourself vulnerable to another human being. Embrace joy to the fullest extent possible. Live life now. The clock’s ticking and time’s a-wasting.

If you’re in Kenya you can donate by sending funds to the zero-rated PayBill number 848484, or giving blood for the injured at one of these nationwide blood centers. I’m still figuring out how the international diaspora can donate other than sending money home. If you know, please share this with me in the comments.

A few weeks ago, following a random chain of events, I decided to sign up with a dating coach. I did. And I paid for it too. Lets get the obvious questions out to the way.

No, I’m not desperate to get married.

No, I have not given up on life / love / common sense.

Yes, I do have real bills to pay.

No, I did not win the lottery and I do not have extra money to throw around.

No, I do not think that I’m incapable of getting a man on my own.

That should cover all the big questions. You know you were thinking it, so now you can stop wondering.

So why the dating coach you ask? My profound reason? Just because. I’ve done the online dating thing for a while and if there is stuff to be learned, I want to know it. I did quite a bit of research before making the commitment though. There are a lot of strong opinions both for and against the whole dating coach thing. Some say its just a scam to exploit desperate lonely folk. In some cases this is true. There are unscrupulous folk running around taking unfair advantage of people’s vulnerability and cheating them out of their money. On the other hand, there are those who legitimately make a study of the best practices of dating and self-presentation, and know how to pass these skills on to others.

I first met Charlie Nox, dating coach extraordinaire, the real deal, and an altogether great person, at a SXSW panel titled ‘Feminists vs. Pick Up Artists.’ Charlie was there representing the pick-up artists. I liked her enough to read her book, The Babe Hack (get it while its still free), and sign up for her mailing list. When she announced that she was putting together a small beta group to explore the mysteries of OK Cupid, I decided (after some dithering) to sign up.

Our first session found me and five other intrepid daters smiling nervously at each other and trying not to make eye contact as we video’d in from our various locations across the Goggle-sphere. The thing that struck me as I looked at each member of the group was the number of perspectives represented. Coming from a variety of demographics, ethnicities, professions and belief systems, each person was smart, funny, accomplished, and attractive. This first meeting began what has been a fascinating three-week, small group journey. Between the Google Hangouts and Facebook group, we examined each other’s profiles, critiqued pictures and messages, challenged, and encouraged each other. I have since added getting us all together physically, in one place for dinner, to my bucket list. Now THAT will be a blast! This real time dating feedback and support group is something I wish every dater could have.

I won’t go into the specifics of all we learned because you can read it for yourself by downloading The Babe Hack (again, do it now while its free). So here are my 10 big take-aways:

Focus on being and sharing your authentic self. “Do you booboo.” Do you!

Be honest about what you are really looking for and keep that front and center so that you don’t get distracted from your goal.

Be bold. Go after who you want. If they don’t want you back you have lost nothing. And if they do? Score!!

Be persistent. No responses this week? Keep trying. You are guaranteed to get nothing out if you put nothing in. Also, the more you practice, the better you get.

Don’t be shody. Take time to craft interesting messages. Your profile is your one chance to make that good impression. Make it count.

You are a horrible judge of your own best pictures. What you may think is fly… maybe not so much. Ask your friends.

Keep experimenting. Rotate your pictures. Change the way you say things. Constantly alter things to see what gets you the best response.

So folks, I continue on my OK Cupid journey. Or, it may be Craigslist next week. I can however assure you it will never be eHarmony (i.e. the money pit). Either way, I’ll be having fun with all these great tips I’ve picked up. Maybe I’ll meet someone excellent tomorrow and turn this into a blog about weddings (please God, PLEASE!). But more likely I’ll keep plugging away and sharing ‘interesting’ stories. Either way, I intend to enjoy the journey.

I’ve taken a couple of weeks off, but I’m back! What pushed me to write? I’m glad you asked! One of my favorite artists, Atemi, just released a single off her upcoming album. I admit that I get sneak peeks of these songs before they go live so I’m always excited when the rest of the world gets to hear them.

So here it is. Take a few minutes to listen to it and dance around your living room. Go ahead. I’ll wait for you…

Fun, huh? Even if you have no idea what she’s saying, its a song that you can get in to. For my non-swahili speaking friends, the song is about a girl who’s in love with a guy that her friends and haters, don’t approve of. They say he’s too poor, he’ll forget her, they’ll never last, etc. She tells him not to worry (Usijali), the two of them will make it. He responds in the same vein. Think of it as a Malaika for the modern age with a little more soul and pep. This is somewhat approp since the original version (of Malaika) was first performed by another Kenyan artist, Fadhili Williams. History lesson aside, its a fun song.

Now, in real life, the guy your friends tell you is a user who’s out to get your money and leave you, usually is. 9 times out of 10 you should absolutely listen to your friends. But every now again, just often enough to keep us all believing in romance, the broke, seemingly wrong guy really is Mr. Right. Love is after all about more than a financial arrangement where benefits are exchanged for affection… and you think that’s all it is, I have a whole other post for you!

So for a little bit, put aside your cynical relationship goggles and enjoy our young idealistic lovers as they assure each other its just the two of them against the world. In a couple of days you’ll hear a story that confirms every cynical thought you’ve ever had about how shallow relationships are, and how every man on this earth is a dog (sorry guys), but that’s then. Enjoy the now and share this song with a friend!

(In full disclosure, I have to admit that Atemi is one of my favorite artists not only because she’s an excellent vocalist, but she’s also my sister.)

So the other day I’m sitting there watching a body language and truth decoding expert on the Steve Harvey TV show (#DontJudgeMe), and according to her the top lies people tell are:

1. I’ll call you
2. I love you

I believe it. If I have to pick one to hear I’d really rather have someone tell me lie #2 because as far I’m concerned, it is easy to disprove. The way you treat me lets me know if you love me long before you say the words. The most damaging lie? Lie #1. Let me explain.

“I’ll call you.” As a lie this has to be one of the most infuriating statements ever made. On my list of pet peeves it ranks right up there with, ‘Thou shalt not bomb thy neighbor.’ I think its the forgotten commandment. ‘Thou shalt not say you’ll call someone and then not do it.’ “I’ll call you.” Really boo? Really?

Here’s how it typically goes down. ‘Expect my call at 11,’ you say. I didn’t ask you to make me any promises, but still you volunteered this one. Even worse, you specified a time to make sure I’d be available. So I make a mental note, don’t fully concentrate on my Scandal reruns (what a waste), and devote my time to waiting for this call. Don’t get me wrong. Its not that I sit there staring at the phone. If only. That might be more productive. You’ve told me you’ll call. So I fulfill my end of the agreement by ensuring my phone is free and not getting too deeply caught up in anything so that I can put the things aside and give you my full attention when you call.

Then I wait… and wait… pick up the phone to make sure the ringer is on… check my email/text/IM to make sure that I have the right date and time details… watch 3 minutes of a muted episode of House Hunters… peek back at Scandal… check my phone again… and still, you don’t call. Half an hour after the call window is closed and I have totally moved on to something else, you send me an email/text/IM. ‘Hey,’ you ask. ‘You still up?’

*head explodes* Trifling! No. No I’m not up. In fact, I’m not even in the country. I actually changed my phone numb… no wait, flushed my phone down the toilet and will no longer be reachable. Actually, scrap that. Aliens came and abducted me and my phone and we are now in a new galaxy. Over reaction? Maybe. But I betcha don’t get to do it again. At least not to me.

I guess what makes me crazy about the whole ‘I’ll call you’ thing is that at the root of it lies serious disrespect. Either you think I’m so dumb and needy that I have to be placated with fake call promises, or you value my time so little that you couldn’t do me the courtesy of showing up when you said you would or at the very least, sending an email/text/IM before the proposed call to change the time. We prioritize and make time for the thing we value. Clearly I’m not on the valued list.

I don’t care if you are a girl or a guy. I don’t care if the reason you don’t call is personal or business related. Be a person of your word… And if you are going to lie to me, make it about something that matters. Don’t waste my time.

Does this bother you as much as it does me? How do you deal with fake non-callers? Let me know in the comments.

Catchy tune isnt it? People say it often. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Stronger? Poppycock! (I want to use stronger words but this is a PG forum. Feel free to insert your curse word of choice.) Stronger for what? Bearing more horrible things? No. And the next person who tells me that might get punched in the face. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The truth is trials and hardships do equip you to deal with tough stuff later on. That is an inescapable fact of life. But lets stop pretending that bad stuff is some magical gift. If I gave you the option between building your character through something really, really awful, or just having stuff work out, which would you choose? Tough decision, huh?… NOT! Hard times do build up your ability to cope with difficult situations… not good times. Why cant we have more fun times to prepare us to handle the even more fun times? (Rhetorical question. Please don’t write me answers.)

I know that whether I look for them or not trials will find me, but here are a few things that haven’t killed me, but I refuse to be stronger for:

Rejection. Anyone who has done any amount of dating, in real life or online, knows rejection. Bless the boys because they can go from one girl to the next and shake rejection off like water from a ducks back. Are guys more resilient or is another drive stronger than the sting of rejection? I’m going to go with option number 2. Not to be down on the guys but I’ve seen girls run after rejection like its free ice cream. They just do it after they’ve fixed their attentions on a specific target. (Cue the Always Be My Baby stalker music).

I just want to be that girl who effortlessly meets her soul mate, falls in love, and has the fairy tale happy-ever-after. Having faced my fair share of rejection, I know it’s not going to happen that way, but a girl can dream. So am I stronger for all my rejections? Maybe wiser. A little more guarded. But I can tell you I am not chomping at the bit to experience the ultimate rejection that all the little rejections have been building me up for.

Cheating. Do we really need to elaborate on this? ‘Oh, he/she cheated on me so I’m so much better equipped to handle future infidelity.’ The only thing made stronger here is my right leg as I kick your butt out the door. It doesn’t kill you, but you might learn how to box.

Poverty. No. I refuse to embrace brokeness so that I can build the strength to be even broker. There is nothing noble about being poor. Don’t believe me? Ask a poor person. I think back to the days when I had to choose between putting gas in my car to go to work or buying food to eat. Stronger? Nope. That just puts a fire in my belly to work harder and hustle more so I never have to be that broke again.

Airport security lines. No matter how many times I’m stuck in line behind the family with four children under the age of 8 and their attending paraphernalia, I never get better at it for the next time around. If anything I’m even more crazed because I know what’s in store for me. Stronger? No. More prayerful? Yes. Please God don’t let me be on the same flight/section as them. To be fair, at least I can walk away from the situation. The poor frazzled parents are stuck. I wonder if they feel stronger?

The Real Housewives of anywhere/ Honey Boo Boo. How is there not a law banning any of these shows from being shown anywhere, ever? Even the clips on the Soup make me want to scream, and I didn’t have to watch more than 2 minutes. I have friends who love these shows, and I don’t judge them… much. But each time I get suckered into watching 7 minutes with them (I cannot endure more) I am tested in the extreme. Stronger? Maybe just enough to gouge out my own eyes so I don’t ever have to see this again.

Lifetime movies…
Patchouli…
Heavy metal…

No. Just…no.

I could go on, but I’m curious. What are some things you refuse to be stronger for? Let me know in comments.

End of the old year, starting a new one; time to look back and take stock of the past year. Whether your year was great, or total crap, you get to hit the reset button. Starting January 1 my life is going to be significantly different. And by different I mean I have no idea what my path for the upcoming year looks like. I have some hopes, but nothing is written in stone.

The one thing I do know? I’m not going to say a word about it to certain folks. Years ago I took a course, Critical Thinking Skills, from a very smart guy called Lester Brown. Because of what I learned I was able to accomplish a whole lot of goals that were previously beyond me. The first thing that Lester told us?

Don’t tell anyone your goals.

Thats right, keep your aspirations to yourself. It sounds counterintuitive, but it actually makes sense. Set big goals, go for them, and keep the end game to yourself. Still don’t agree? Lets look at what happens 9 times out of 10 when you set yourself an audacious goal. You’re excited. You start charting your strategy and tell a couple of good friends. Encouragement abounds, yes? No.

You know what I’m talking about. You mention something you’re doing, thinking, or contemplating, and it’s a cue for the ‘advice’ to start. It usually begins with an concerned expression and a vaguely condescending sympathetic smile. It’s as if they want to say ‘God bless you, you little darling. You actually think you can do this? Let me tell you all the reasons it will never happen.’

The conversation goes something like this:

You: Hey, this year I’m going to climb Everest / lose 50lbs / buy a house / go to Tahiti.Friend: How exciting! … *Pause* … This year? … *Pause* … Well, I’m sure if anyone can do it, you can…. But you remember last time you tried this it didn’t work / you’re broke / you have no passportYou: No I’m determined to make it work. I will do this!Friend: I’ll support you… but maybe you want to start with something a little more attainable. I don’t want you to be disappointed.You: Well, I guess I can start small and work my way up to my big goal.Friend: Sure, I’ll be here to catch you when you fall.You: Oh forget about it. Hand me that cake.

The most damaging naysayers are not enemies. They’re friends who genuinely want to ‘protect’ you from getting hurt. They truly do mean well, and therein lies the danger. You know they genuinely care about you so you give their words extra weight. It works the other way as well. How many times have we gently tried to manage the expectations or dreams of a friend so that they aren’t set up for the hurt of failure. I know I’ve certainly done it.

So here is the rule. Keep your goals to yourself. If you must tell someone, choose a couple people and lay down the ground rules. Before you say a word about the goal tell them, ‘I know you care about me, but if you can’t be behind this 110% I need you not to say anything.’ There will be people who can whole-heartedly support your big dream. You just have to be very careful in picking them.

I’m not saying that we don’t all need a reality check, but if your version of reality does nothing but bring me down all the time, I want nothing to do with it. I probably know more about the reality of my life and situation than you do. Believe me. I get it. And here’s the deal, even if I don’t get it, the negative reality will smack me upside the head sooner rather than later.

“Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.” – G. M. Trevelyan

So let me know in the comment section; do you agree with my perspective on goal sharing? Why, or why not?

Either way my plans for the new year are wild! Since I get this opportunity to reset I’m going to do it big. Keep reading. The Chronicles are about to get even better.

When LMFAO wrote their song, I doubt they planned for this derivative of the main chorus to become a theme song of mine… especially when a guy I like is involved. I’ve always known that being a girl is hard work. Add a male maybe-love interest to the mix, the work or girl-dom becomes even harder.

You get caught up in your own head.
You really like yourself… on four days out of the week, and those days rotate from week to week.
You are confident… for the most part.
You like boys… except when you don’t.
You always totally know your mind… in that moment. Things in your mind are subject to change for any reason at any time.
You see things that are there… no they’re not… yes, they are… Oh, forget it!

So take the constant cycling of the of female brain, add a dose of ‘What is he thinking?’ to it, and multiply that by 73. Behold, a psycho is born. If you are a female who has ever crushed on a guy, even mildly, you know what I’m talking about. Suddenly rational thought flies out of the window. Everything is now analyzed to death with ridiculous results. “What does he really mean when he says he likes the color blue? Is it a metaphor for something? Maybe he’s feeling sad. Does this mean I make him sad? Oh my God, he’s trying to tell me he’s married!”

Lets not even go into the whole communication thing. A 15-minute pause in between texts becomes cause for crisis counseling. “He liked me so much 10 minutes ago. Has he changed his mind? Maybe his old girlfriend called. Why is he silent? I bet you he’s on a date with someone else.” *Bloop* In comes a text. “Oh my God he loves me! Look at how fast he responded. He included a smiley face. Thats good right? We’re definitely getting married soon. I can feel it!”

I know we are told to listen to our intuition, but there are some instances where the dating-crazy overrides common sense. It is possible to get in the way of your own good relationship. Right at this very moment, some poor guy is dealing with the fallout from some imagined slight or conversation that was brewed in some girl’s head. Are there scheming, lying, no-good, players out there that you need to keep an eye out for? Yes. But remember paranoia is a good thing only as long as someone really is out to get you. The rest of time, it’s just crazy. So my chicas, I say to you what I constantly tell myself; take a deep breath and exhale. Repeat after me, ‘Woosah.’

So the lesson this psycho chic is learning is this: Get out of your own head. It is easier said than done, but it can be done. Here are a few simple tips. Stop obsessing and playing Toni Braxton for hours. Do not allow yourself to listen to any bluesy or schmaltzy music. I recommend just playing techno. If nothing else, the beat will turn your crazy to a different direction.

Call your sane girlfriend and allow yourself no more than a specified amount of insecure, crazy-girl venting. I suggest 15-30 minutes. Anything beyond that is just feeding the beast. Also, you know and I know that there are some friends who should never be called in a crisis. Ever. If they feed on drama or bringing you down, do NOT call one of them when you are at a weak point.

Get out of the house and go do something. Exercise. Go watch a movie. Buy yourself something pretty. They call it retail therapy because it works. However, you might want to keep the receipt so that you can take your retail fix back when you return to your non-obsessing, normal self. Just a tip.

If you’re stuck in the house, do not log onto Facebook or Twitter to moon over his posts, or stalk him on IM. “Oh look, he liked something 7 minutes ago. Why isn’t he posting on my page? I’ll go write something clever. Is it funny? Why hasn’t he liked it?” Don’t do it. I have found that watching an episode of Criminal Minds will keep your mind occupied for a little while. There’s nothing like watching a true psychopath dismember a family of five to put things back in perspective.

Bottom line chicas, relax. What will be, will be. He will like you and call you soon, or he wont. You cannot control his actions, but you sure as heck can control your reactions. Either way, you Will. Not. Die. It might feel like your head is about to explode from all the back and forth you’re doing in there, but you’ll be fine. If it’s not this boy at this time, there will be other boys.

Note to the boys: If you are going out with some chic, do us all a favor and communicate. It takes so little to keep us sane and happy. Go on, make the world a better place. Send her a text Right Now!!

First off, let me say this is not a new blog. A few years ago I started a secret blog called Miz Diva Gets Goal’d. I think a total of 4 people saw those posts. I was at a point in my life where I was making some significant changes, and I wanted to write about my journey. You can go back and read those entries here if you want to get caught up. Well, fast-forward a couple of years later and I stand at a place of significant change once again. This time, I promise to stick with it. Pinky swear!

As I was thinking about writing this blog, I struggled with where to start. It has been an interesting year. There are things I want to talk about and share, but I worry about how self-revelatory I should be. Do I put it all out there, or do I hold a little back and share ‘general principles learnt.’ I think it’s going to be a combination of both approaches. Sometimes I’ll be totally transparent and other times I’ll make some adjustments, “To protect the identities of the innocent.” Either way, I’ll do my best to keep it fresh and interesting.

So what should you expect to read? What value can I add to your life? Well, don’t plan on learning anything that will let you quit your day job. You probably wont learn how to make delicious meals as you would on my friend’s blog, Stella’s Meza. Rather, I’ll talk about experiences I’m having, lessons I’m learning, and share random insights. In fact, you may learn a lot of things NOT to do. Maybe I should change the title to ‘Lessons learned from cautionary tales.’

I hope you’ll come back often to read posts (I anticipate a new one each week), and share your thoughts with me in the comments section. Be sure to tell your friends about it!

After months of planning, tests, classes, optifast (Ughh!) and anticipation, I’m finally here, at New Life’s Eve. Tomorrow is the ‘The Big Day.’ I know. It sounds somewhat melodramatic, but it feels like this will be a whole new beginning. Having made a life time commitment to give up bread (I really hope that isn’t so. I know I’ve seen Al Roker eat it on the food segments of the Today Show), I am about to find out if the phrase ‘Nothing tastes as good as thin feels’ is really true. I’m excited, anxious, nervous, euphoric and a little scared all at the same time – But I’m trying not to think about it. The real test is if I will sleep tonight.

Having gotten over my fixation with Red Bull, finally, it is time to move on to phase 2. The date. So apparently the new hook-up, or at least new to me is OkCupid.com. I have to say that having done the paid eHarmony, and the free Craigslist, I find this to be a happy medium. I have had my profile up for two days now. Seen some interesting guys.

Today a biker dude ‘winked’ at me. I debated on what to do about it for a while. On one hand, it could be interesting. I can’t say I’ve ever met a real genuine tattooed Hells Angel and he looks like the real thing. Think of the stories I could tell!…the look on my mothers face as she hits the ground in a dead faint… the look on bosses face when I bring him to a work function… We all want the bad boy right?

I went on a read his profile. It was actually quite good. He sounds intelligent and somewhat interesting. Okay, so now I dig deeper. One of the questions that he would like his potential dates to answer, and I swear I’m not making this up, is ‘How do you feel about having sex with a person who is HIV positive.’ Stick a fork in me, I’m done!

Now before you leave the irate comments about how you can have a meaningful sexual relationship with a partner who is HIV positive, consider how you would react if your daughter/sister/friend came to you and said, ‘I just met a guy on the Internet that I want to go out with in the hope of establishing a meaningful relationship. Oh, and he’s HIV positive.’ I understand wanting to get everything out there up front, but there is something to be said for taking your time in self-disclosure. Some stuff really should be held back until you know someone a lot better. But that’s just my opinion.

The whole online dating thing can be so… laborious. The sad thing is that as a single person living in a metropolitan US city, it really is one of the most effective (note I did not say best) ways to meet a person of the opposite sex. It takes so much energy to generate a half hour date that you hope will be interesting enough that you want to see the person again. I have friends who love the whole online dating carousel. They honestly enjoy meeting new people. They embark on each new date with the perfect balance of optimism and realism, and they have the wonderful ability to shrug their shoulder philosophically and move on if the person they meet is a total jerk. I wish I could do that. However, as a friend of mine once said to me, ‘Everything with you is so high stakes!’ And to me, it really is.

So my new challenge is to stop tweaking and re-tweaking my profile and get out there! Wink at a few people and actually *gasp* send a few people a message. I can do this!… sort of… on Tuesday…