Let's Have Lunch and Talk * Nadia Alegria Amore

holiday blues

I’m feeling the holiday blues this week. It’s manageable and I’ll shake it off soon enough…but in the meantime (oops, at first I wrote mantime), it might be therapeutic to do a little ranting.

It’s always good to eat comfort food when you’re ranting. Try this lighter version of macaroni and cheese.

Top Complaints of 2016:

Men who cancel a first date within hours of the designated day/time and only when prompted by an email or text.

The backstory: This happened recently. I hadn’t heard from Mr. D in 3 days so I texted him to confirm our date. Mr. D replied by email to say he needed to cancel because of his work schedule and maybe we could try again after the holidays. Feeling fed up, I decided not to respond and blocked his number. Of course, he was on OurTime at the moment our date was supposed to happen. For whatever reason, he changed his mind about wanting to meet me.

Today I was scrolling through profiles on another site and one of the guys had the same profile word for word as Mr. D. One or both of them is a liar.

Men who swipe Yes on a “swiping app” such as Tinder or Bumble but then delete me right after we match.

The backstory: I’m pretty sure these are the guys who respond solely to a woman’s photo. My theory is that once we match, they take a closer look, see my age, and unmatch me.

Men who view me daily but never contact me.

The backstory: What IS this backstory? You tell me. Are they just playing? It’s annoying because you think someone likes you. Really, it’s just teasing.

Men who view me daily, finally contact me, send an email or two and THEN disappear. Sometimes they start viewing me again months later.

The backstory: Teasing, just like the guys who never email. These men don’t really want to meet anyone. Perhaps they have been castrated.

Men whose main photo shows them posing with a gun:

The backstory: WTF! WTF! I guess they hope to attract female NRA members.

Men whose main profile pix is with Mom…or the main profile pix is just Mom.

The backstory: I’m not sure of the message when it’s coming from a 60 year old man. Is he trying to show he has strong family bonds, that he has good genes, that he’s a Mama’s boy?

Men whose main profile photo is with their children….or the photo is just the kids.

The backstory: First of all, it’s a bad idea to put photos of your children on a dating site. These men may want to show that you get a “package deal” but you can put that info in a profile.

Men who excel in the digital tease

The backstory:

As Jessica Bennett reports in the New York Times, if you date in the digital age you may have encountered a breadcrumber: “They communicate via sporadic noncommittal, but repeated messages — or breadcrumbs — that are just enough to keep you wondering but not enough to seal the deal (whatever that deal may be).”

I went out with a guy like this. One date followed by sporadic emails every 3 weeks, including one to wish me “Happy Thanksgiving, dear.” He’ll probably contact me on Christmas day. I think my reply will be to send him a link to the Times article.

Men with poor hygiene (oral and full body).

The backstory:

I’ve been ranting about this all year. Nothing new to add but I wanted to note it for the record.

Not knowing whether your gut is right.

The backstory:

Remember Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice? At first her gut told her to reject Mr. Darcy…. but then she gets new information about him and realizes her gut was wrong and that she loves him.

Sometimes, like Elizabeth, my gut is wrong. However, I believe the old saying that the body doesn’t lie. If you feel something is wrong, it usually is.

Ahh…. the holidays: an often-dreaded time for singletons. One of the offending hallmarks (no pun intended) of the season is, of course, the holiday letter. When a single person receives a family holiday letter, it can serve as a reminder of her or his not-intact family. A recent Washington Post Solo-ish article titled I love your family but I dread your joyous holiday letters captures the emotions a divorced or widowed person might feel upon reading this well meaning but accidentally hurtful correspondence.

Note that, unlike other “family” letters, you don’t have to read about the exploits of multiple related people.

December 2016

Dear Friends,

I hope this holiday season finds you well and that you and your loved ones are sheltering in place – and by the fire – after the storm of the election. We need all the love we can get during this time of national emotional upheaval.

It’s been a wild ride for me this past year as well. Oh, no, I don’t mean that literally I’ve found a wild ride…though I have been searching for one.

Let me share with you some of the highlights from 2016:

Four hundred first dates! Yes, in fact, I may have reached that milestone after four years of divorce. But who’s counting?

A banner year for bad breath! Why is it that so many men fail in the oral hygiene department? This year I learned to stock 10 varieties of mints and gum in my purse and car – just in case I encounter a case of Mr. Frisky with Halitosis.

Athletic accomplishments: No swim team for me…but I did overcome my fear of deep water. Now I can hang out at the community pool after my laps and try to meet men.

Dance competitions: Even better than a middle school dance competition, I completed a basic introductory hip-hop class without requiring orthopedic surgery or acupuncture. Then there was the tango class I took with a short, heavily accented instructor. I couldn’t hear him over the loud music so I invented my personal version of the tango, which looks more like a bull stamping its foot before charging.

Academic achievements: There are no grades or tests for adult education classes at community college so I can’t humble brag about being on the Dean’s List. On the positive side, my Spanish and writing classes revealed the added benefit of making new friends and possibly meeting men. A win-win amigos.

Travel highlights: Spain and Ireland. For the single woman, Spain wins. See: Tinder in España.

Something new, something borrowed, something blue. No wedding for me, fellow partygoers. As a single woman, new refers to new dating photos and a revised profile. I borrowed my daughter’s jeans to wear on a date and the blue for this non-bride refers to Miles’ classic Kind of Blue album, great music for contemplating your single life.

Local field trips: I expanded my repertoire of solo outings, enjoying “just me” excursions to happy hours, museums, and concerts.

Breaking down barriers: I ignored any perceived age and race barriers and went out with men of various ethnicities from age 50 to 69.

Benefits of non-Mindfulness: I learned to relax into the cycle of the dating life and look to the future: Dry spells are followed by false bounty but eventually you date a guy – though he might have bad breath (see #2).

Heat olive oil in large pasta or soup pot. Add leeks and and sauté until translucent. Add chopped red pepper and continue sautéing a couple more minutes. Add tomato if using. Cut cod into 2” pieces (not too small because they will break up anyway) and add to mixture. Sautee a couple of minutes and then add coconut milk and vegetable broth. Cook 5 minutes and then add corn. Cook on medium (low bubbling of mixture) for another 8 minutes. Check cod to make sure it’s cooked through (opaque not translucent). Add salt to taste. Stir in cilantro and lime juice. Heat for another minute.

Note: If you don’t have leeks, you can substitute Vidalia onions (1/2 to 1 large chopped onion depending on your preference). Quantity of leeks or onions, peppers, and tomatoes can be varied depending on your preference and any food allergies.

Frozen defrosted cod works well in this recipe. You can even use partially defrosted cod. Just make sure you thoroughly cook it in the broth/coconut milk mixture.

It’s Labor Day on Monday – not a religious or sentimental holiday – and yet, I’m wondering if I’ll have the holiday blues. What single person doesn’t know about this affliction?

Since my separation and divorce, I’ve lived through 32 major holidays — Memorial Day, July 4, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukah, New Year’s Eve/Day and Valentine’s Day. This will be the 33rd.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? I lived through them.

Some may argue that Valentine’s Day isn’t a major holiday but when you’re separated, divorced, or frustrated by the single dating life, a lack of a Valentine honey can be depressing.

And Labor Day always seems to remind me of intact family and relationship celebrations.

But I’m not going to wallow here. I’m going to tell you about some good post separation/divorce holidays I HAVE had and give you an actionplan to prevent or at least help you cope with the blues. While we discuss this plan, let’s have some of Tori Avey’s Black-eyed pea burgers.

Last Valentine’s Day was the first one since my divorce in which I had a date. It was a good thing since I had recently endured a breakup with Mr. L, a man I had been seeing.

I wasn’t head over heels in love with my Valentine’s date and we only went out once after that but on February 14 we were both in the mood for a romantic celebration. We went to dinner and a play. He brought me chocolates and wore a dapper suit. I wore a red dress. Despite the freezing cold and snow, we had a good time.

The Valentine’s date was preceded by Hanukah and New Year’s Eve celebrations with family and Mr. L (even though we were too new for a “family meet.”) So I got a taste of the type of celebration I had been craving – a mix of family and a romantic interest. And that was a good feeling – even if I couldn’t duplicate it on every holiday. It provided hope and a sense that there was a “turnaround” in the way life events could play out for me as a single woman.

So what can one do to prevent or lessen the holiday blues? It’s not DNA sequencing science and hopefully you will get some new ideas or start thinking of your own tactics. (Side note: Since Labor Day is the day after tomorrow, some of these tips will be more useful to you for future holidays.)

12 Tips to Prevent the Holiday Blues:

Make plans. In advance. At least a week before the holiday, reach out to friends or any family living locally to see if they can get together for an evening out, unless you are planning to entertain. See Tip #2.

Host a gathering – whether dinner or a game night (on TV or a board game). Make sure to invite your single friends who may also suffer from the holiday blues.

If you’re feeling brave, plan to get out of town on a solo travel adventure. Check out these resources for ideas and possible companions:

Sign up for a Meetup event. The closer it gets to a holiday, the more Meetup activities are scheduled. You’re not the only one at risk of the holiday blues.

Commit to an engrossing project:

Organize your music downloads

Create a new music mix file for the gym

Purge and clean out your closet and pack up stuff to give away or sell

Organize photos into albums

If weather allows, plant or weed a garden

If you enjoy arts and/or crafts, commit to a one or two-day project. Plan in advance and get any needed materials. Listen to music, have a glass of wine, and create!

Plan a reading or TV series marathon. Make sure it’s a book or show that will transport you. Periodic escapism is healthy.

If stores are open, shop. Retail therapy in moderation and within budget is therapeutic. You will be where people are even if you don’t know them and that might make you feel better.

Work on improving or refreshing your dating profile. Join a new dating site or rejoin a site you cancelled because no one was on it. New guys are always joining. And holiday weekends are active times for online daters, perhaps because everyone has a touch of holiday blues. Consider joining a crazy niche dating site you haven’t tried such as Bristlr.

Stay up late and watch old romantic movies. Throw caution to the wind and rent a pay per view film.

Schedule a massage the day before a holiday (unless you can get one ON the holiday). A good massage = lovely.

Go to the gym and exercise like crazy. You won’t be the only one there. Make those endorphins work overtime.

Whatever you do, don’t pay bills, organize old family photos (that include ones with your –ex), or do anything that is not fun and uplifting.

Let me know if you ever get the holiday blues and share ways you cope.