Archives for October 2016

I am OVER the transition to the new meds. I’ve been through it all before, I know it’s good in the long run blah blah blah. But man, it does a number on your body.

It has been 3 days of being officially just on these meds. Yesterday and Monday were fine, just a little bit of digestive discomfort. Sunday was horrid, although it was a Cymbalta day. I was so tired I could barely do anything all day and just napped when I got home.

Today, it’s a digestive explosion. I was watching a movie with Glenn and had to lie down for a bit to get it under control. It was as bad as its first day. I’m wondering if it impacts on how my body absorbs the medication as I feel very fuzzy today, similar to the symptoms I used to get when I didn’t take effexor on time.

I hate how I can just rattle off medication and side effects and all of that. I know my case is mild compared to others. I’m stabby today.

I know I should go easy on myself, focus on getting healthier etc etc. I’ve been getting freelance interest and had been getting the pieces in place for a complete rebrand, something that could help me avoid the work situations that could make me sicker. All I can see is me getting further and further behind.

Negativity aside –

I think there is an improvement in mood.

I find I don’t need as much sleep. My sleep feels lighter but I get up around 10:30 and don’t get that exhausted feeling for the rest of the day. I feel a bit out of it now but that is separate from the sheer and constant exhaustion I’ve previously felt.

I don’t know if this is temporary or not but hey, it’s an improvement. Haven’t felt any symptoms I’d define as psychotic or where I’m unsure of reality which is a fucking improvement. Those type are always incredibly disorientating. I think I’m feeling more joy. I was dancing while cooking dinner last night. I was singing until a raised eyebrow alerted me to just how off key I am.

In conclusion –

I’m over the digestive issues. I think the worse is over for today. It feels like things are getting better though.

Recently, Jennifer Harvey Sallin posted about the stages of adult giftedness discovery on the Intergifted Blog. I’ve been a (quiet) member of the Intergifted Facebook group for a while now and have enjoyed the discussions, but have felt my experiences were quite different to ones that others were going through. I knew it was due to being ‘twice exceptional’ and barely being able to do what I needed to get through each day.

Now, this article is fascinating. Because my experience has been entirely different. And I don’t just think it is because I’m only mildly gifted. I’m sharing my ep

The first and third stages that were listed were denial and anger. I don’t believe I’ve really experienced them.

During the denial stage: “There’s no way I could be gifted!”

The thing is, I’ve never been formally identified as gifted. When I was around 4-5, I apparently ‘became’ my imaginary friend. I was infatuated with a kids singer called Don Spencer. He was awesome, he was on Play School. A teacher or health professional told my mum that kids who have imaginary friends are smart, however children who become their imaginary friends are really intelligent.

That was the whole foundation of me being gifted. No formal assessments, no support. I know before the age of 10 I stood out because I was reading Michael Crichton books and memorizing the scientific names of birds. I remember telling my grade 5 teacher about the lutino mutation of the yellow tailed black cockatoo. Now, that isn’t particularly nerdy or a sign of giftedness because there are a lot of young naturalists who know a lot more then I did back then. However, they had mentors that taught them and now have access to the internet.

When my friend first told me I was possibly gifted my first thought was “Oh, that makes sense.” There was nothing to emotionally process. Part of me is curious as to what this means. Does having severe mental health issues, and all the questioning associated with it, make it easier for me to process these new discoveries?

EXCITEMENT – “This explains so much of my life!”

I definitely experienced this stage. Again though, I viewed it from the framework of having mental health issues. I wrote more about the process here. The excitement was less about other facets of my life and more about how it meant I wasn’t lazy when it came to treating/managing my anxiety.

Now that I’m doing better and have more cognitive awareness, this is actually bloody depressing. I get some life changing information and I’m excited because it means I can justify my behavior. It shows how much crap you get for being ‘lazy’ on those days I can’t function.

My mum did pull me up when I mentioned the ‘gifted’ word, similar to what the article mentioned. She reminded me it was a teacher in primary school that said it. That one comment did bring up issues with being the misunderstood nerd, however a lot of that misunderstanding was also tied up in being incredibly social phobic and depressed in high school. It’s a conundrum, that’s for sure!

I don’t think I’m going through the anger stage in regards to giftedness, however I feel like I am going through so much anger right now in regards to other parts of my life. It’s less about the knowledge of giftedness. It is more about the information I’ve discovered as a result of this journey.

I fucked up VCE. Not once, twice. I still nightmare about that. I’m so intelligent – that isn’t bragging – and yet I screwed it up so magnificently. Then I got expelled from uni. It’s a miraculous sequence of screw ups. It would eat me up if I let it.

I don’t believe that knowing I was gifted could have helped much. It would have made little fucking difference when dissociating and hearing voices. There are little things that could have made life easier. Understanding learning styles. Teaching myself how to learn. There is so much anger when it comes to my adult life but my hunch is that it is less about giftedness.

I haven’t fully nutted this out yet – mostly because I don’t want to revisit specific wounds when I’m in such a vulnerable state. Apparently I’m a cranky pants when my meds are messing with digestion.

My clients have reported feeling fragmented, torn, in doubt, and sometimes unable to choose their direction during this stage. Existential depression and panic (both forms of anger at and fear of life turned inward toward the self) can occur here, along with extreme confusion or depersonalization.

That has described most of my adult life… moreso with trying to figure out employment while under extreme personal press. Fragmented in regards to giftedness? Not really. I don’t really have much social life and most of my friends are nerds anyway (hey, it’s part of being a naturalist. I mean, what is there to give back? I love exploring new ideas and making connections.

I do wonder if my experience here is muted because of the anxiety. I mean, disconnection with reality and barely being able to function? Giftedness seems like nothing in comparison. It’s possible this experience will change as I get better and explore being gifted.

ACCEPTANCE – “Ok, this is how I am. How am I going to use it to my advantage?”

I feel like I skipped pretty much to hear. Maybe this is because I have to be so cutthroat when it comes to problem solving? I have such limited mental resources that I often go “Ok. This is making you feel (x feelings). Let’s work through this.” Working through issues takes so much mental energy.

I may have instinctively known to skip to this stage because this is the only one I could really do anything about? Probably not, just chucking ideas around. I’ve LOVED connecting the dots and learning the specifics about how it makes more different, moreso because I can hack my life to make it easier. I don’t think I’ve resented any of the particular challenges it presents, probably because the anxiety overshadows everything.

REBUILDING – “I’m doing the work to rebuild myself based on who I am.”

I think this is where I am now but as part of a larger framework. I’m rebuilding my personal and professional life outside of the ‘survival/crisis mode’ I’ve been in for the past few years. This has actually been really hard because of the amount of emotional shit I’ve had to process.

This is probably connected to Dabrowski somehow – high up on the positive disintegration thingy. High Fives to me. This part really stood out to me:

Since gifted people tend to judge themselves and build their self expectations based on their theoretical potential rather than their actual potential, they are often disillusioned by their actual progress. Gifted coaches know that trap and keep you from falling into it during this stage by helping you realistically build up a life based on your actual potential. We help you stay realistic and focused on using your theoretical potential as a source of inspiration but not as a standard, and your actual potential as a realistic planning tool.

This is probably going to be incredibly bloody difficult as being gifted means it is such a fucking contrast when I’m ill. It’s like “I’ve seen how awesome things can be. Now I have to decide between two incredibly basic things because I have no mental energy today.”

It is going to be so fascinating to explore and play around with this. I’ve already had to do a lot of mental work about not getting bummed out about not being able to achieve my theoretical potential. Would love to read more 😀

CREATIVITY – “What else can I create from my unique self?”

Not here yet but this part is going to be so much fun 😀

~

But if this doesn’t seem to fit you, then why are you posting about it?

I am struggling to find much information about how giftedness impacts on generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve had to hack together bits of information from various sources. There is a massive need for this. I know because I desperately need it.

I’m not in a position to join up all of the pieces yet. I don’t know how much cognitive function I’ve got back yet and even then, a lot of mental energy goes into rebuilding my business AND doing the mental work required to recover from severe mental health issues.

My hope is that by posting this, it may contribute to the narrative. It may make someone out there think and research. Or, I may be able to use this post to put the pieces together later. It should be fun! 😀

Today I went to the doctors to get the form for Centrelink. I know I’ve been a slackarse but I’ve just been feeling so shit. He was asking about medication and I mentioned that it felt like it had just stopped working. I hadn’t brought it up in the past with any doctor as I was certain the increased severity of symptoms was connected to an increase of stress.

It wasn’t until the job network was pushing me beyond my limitations – which I am so strict about not doing – that the weird symptoms started. I would class them as psychotic but they aren’t, not really. It’s felt like I’ve heard voices in the background a couple of times but I haven’t been sure. There was the intense visualizations of cutting myself, despite not physically wanting to cut myself. The idea felt fun. A lot of my thoughts were turning nasty again. It reminded me of what I was like unmedicated.

To backtrack, I casually mentioned it to the dr. He said that yes, many people had reported that it stopped working after a period of time and mentioned studies. I haven’t been able to find anything via google so I don’t know how substantiated this is. However, while googling people did mention a correlation between taking this brand and having memory issues!!!! I’m not getting my hopes up but that could explain why I’m feeling like such a dumbarse lately.

I originally switched from effexor to this brand because I wanted an increase in energy. I didn’t notice any, however didn’t want to play around with medication anymore. He prescribed what he described as an updated version of Effexor called Pristiq. Note: I’m relying on my dodgy memory here, so may not have the facts right. It made sense at the time.

Thus begins the process of tapering off these meds and then experimenting with the dosage of the new ones. Waaaaah!

I kinda don’t want to do this. I know my symptoms suck now but it’s a known evil. There are so many unknowns when switching brands, even if they are familiar.

Will things get worse while I’m in the process of finding the right dosage? Although there are meant to only be two dosages of this available, 50mg and 100 compared to the three available for effexor. And it’s meant to be primarily for depression, not GAD. Even if it is the same things.

There is also the fear that it may not work, because I was on it before. Or that I’ll run out of medication one day, because I’ll have used up all my tolerance for medication. There is so much fear around experimenting with medication.

I don’t think there will be a massive improvement in symptoms. Based on what I was like last time, I’ll still be knackered. Hoping to see a reduction in levels of anxiety, because it’s really draining physically. My chest is so tight typing this. Hoping there will be an increase in cognitive function, but I’ll never get back to my pre-anxiety levels. I do mourn for that. There is a positive though in that I’ve had to learn so much about how my brain works to function as well as I have been. If I do get more function back then I’ll be in an even better position, so it could be fun.

Mostly I want the really yucky symptoms to go away. They (and cognitive issues) have been the main reason I’m adamant about not getting a job until my health improves. I’m not endangering my health, nor am I going to accept employment when I know a breakdown is likely. That is unethical.

Ironically, I have been restructuring my entire online presence and all the tiny pieces are falling into place. I may be able to make some freelancing or passive income in the coming weeks/months. I’m getting attention again as I’m becoming less strict about flying under the radar. I’m going to take my time getting everything set up so I can have processes for when I get sick. Frankly, my health will never be 100%. I can do brilliant work but I can’t be under the same work conditions as before.

This weekend I was on a research binge when I came across this comment on one of posts on Your Rainforest Mind.

Once someone has an identity rooted in a disease or disorder, to recover means to lose their identity. If they spend 8 hours a day online with their fellow sufferers, then to recover means to lose a) the main focus of their identity and what they get sympathy and attention for b) their main entertainment/distraction and how they spend their days c) the group of people they have bonded to.

It made me think about how much my own identity is rooted in mental illness. Will I be resistant to getting better?

I decided, quite quickly, that no. I’m not really part of any disability community, although I hope to learn more about disability issues. The idea is that knowing more about the specifics and some of the theory may actually help me advocate for myself better.

I’m not really bonded to people over mental illness. Nor do I really talk about it for attention and sympathy. It is what it is. It impacts my life therefore I will talk about it. Like with birding – I’ll disclose it to let friends know that I may have to sit parts of it out.

There is a strong possibility that things will get better. I’ll find medication, stressors will reduce or I find a specific type of therapy that works. It may take years but life will get better.

When that happens, there will be a period of disorientation. While I’m not attached to my identity as an anxious person, I have had to do a lot of work to become at peace with my limitations. I’ve had to do a lot of self talk, research and other stuff just so I could get through day to day life without beating that up. An improvement of symptoms would mean my reality would change, and so must the narrative I tell myself.

I’ll probably need to be aware of that and maybe even get support throughout the process.

I was pretty stoked when introduced to Dabrowski’s Overexcitabilities. I had a framework for some of the sensory issues and overwhelm I’d been feeling.

I bought and read Living With Intensity and quickly learned that a lot of Dabrowskis theories didn’t resonate with me. I still don’t believe in his theory of positive disintegration, although I’ll be reading his book before dismissing the idea entirely.

Openness to experience is a personality factor in the five-factor model of personality, and it is composed of six facets. Facets of openness appear conceptually analogous to overexcitabilities (OEs), which are displays of inner energy guiding individuals toward advanced potential according to the theory of positive disintegration.

Hmm. Five Factors. Isn’t that a term I’d come across in my Foundations of Psychology MOOC? 😀 Ironically I’d made a note to research it and just hadn’t had the mental energy. I’m still not in a position to research it; this is more about exploring that study. You can learn more about the concept via Wikipedia. Trust me, when I get through this weeks tasks I am having a RESEARCH BINGE!

To paraphrase their overview of the concept:

This personality theory encompasses five major factors or domains:

extraversion (E),

neuroticism (N),

openness to experience or openness/intellect (O),

agreeableness (A),

and conscientiousness (C).

Each of these domains is divided into six facets or subscales, with the openness facets reporting the aspect
of life in which a person remains open.

The six openness facets are labeled:

O1 Fantasy,

O2 Aesthetics,

O3 Feelings,

O4 Actions,

O5 Ideas

O6 Values

This looks mad. I told myself I wasn’t going to research more of giftedness – and I’ll be holding myself on that. However, this was already in the archives. I’d LOVE to deep dive into the openness facets.

So:

Based on the results, openness to experience and OEs seem to represent largely the same construct. O1 Fantasy and imaginational OE, O2 Aesthetics and sensual OE, O3 Feelings and emotional OE, O4 Actions and psychomotor OE, and O5 Ideas and intellectual OE appear to be equivalent to each other as they loaded onto the same factor. O6 Values did not load with any OEs per ESEM analyses

It would be interesting to explore, especially in relation to other studies on being open to experience. I’d say I’m quite closed to experiences, thus the OE model is more attractive.

Blah. I need a research assistant.

Notes from the study:

It is interesting to read how there are no studies that really support OE. This supports my hunch that people love Dabrowski because he explained the unexplainable for a subset of the population. Having a framework is so helpful, even if it is just empowering people with language or narrowing things down. I feel like this a lot when reading psychological stuff. My concern was always that this idea was so appealing it was going to become the basis of gifted literature, at the expense of other stuff.

~

“The literature also can predict a developmental trajectory of openness for most individuals (McCrae et al., 2002).” I couldn’t immediately find any information on this, however it would be interesting to explore – along with the larger framework – and see if it aligns with my own experience. Also worth reading any criticism as a lot of theories are just that.

Seriously though, who needs a psychology degree with all this research I’m doing? 😀 Damn, I want one though.