Top Ten President Clinton's New Year's Resolutions - January 05, 1998

10. Slim back down to his college weight of 300
9. Limit extra-marital affairs to women named "Connie."
8. At press conferences, answer every question with, "Don't go there, girlfriend!"
7. At least once a week, break a law he's never broken before.
6. Stop giggling when he hears the word "subpoena."
5. End his eight year affair with former Charlie's Angel Cheryl Ladd.
4. Eat his own weight in those new Burger King fries.
3. Rename Camp David "Senor Tubby's Rancho del Amore."
2. Instead of fundraising "coffees," hold fundraising "gravies."
1. Smell less bacony.

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Nominated for a Grammy - January 06, 1998

10. No Grammy awarded for "Drunkest Fan at a Metallica Concert."
9. You think "R&B" stands for "Roast & Beef."
8. Your only experience with music this year was getting your tongue stuck in the CD player.
7. All your love ballads contain the phrase "lactose-intolerant."
6. Sticker on your CD reads, "Parental warning: this record sucks."
5. Your band has no guitars, but plenty of bagpipes.
4. Critics agree: your CD makes a great drink coaster.
3. Your only album: the soundtrack to Deathboat '98.
2. Record stores keep your CD in a section called "Unlistenable Crap."
1. Your backup singers are barking dogs.

Top Ten President Clinton Tips for Keeping the Romance in Your Marriage - January 07, 1998

10. Make sure every hundredth woman you sleep with is your wife.
9. No matter how tasty it looks, don't eat her lipstick.
8. Buy her FTD's "Sorry About My Many Affairs" bouquet.
7. Remember, your kisses taste sweeter when your mouth is full of donuts.
6. Renew each other's membership in the Air Force One mile-high club.
5. Take Paula Jones off your speed dial.
4. Keep gaining weight until each of your thighs is the size of that dreamy Leonardo DiCaprio.
3. Candle-lit dinner at local "Hooters."
2. Try not to preface sex with, "All right, let's get this over with."
1. A little dab of ketchup behind each ear.

Top Ten Surprises in 'Titanic' - January 08, 1998

10. Touching scene in which iceberg comes out as a lesbian.
9. Floating corpses played by former associates of the Gambino family.
8. Instead of ocean, boat sinks in a large New York City pothole.
7. Several minutes devoted to a lovely synchronized swimming routine.
6. When boat starts sinking, captain turns on rocket boosters & flies that sumbitch to Mars.
5. Graphic love scene between Kate Winslet and the Gorton's Fisherman.
4. So-called "iceberg" clearly just a Coleman picnic cooler.
3. At end of film, everyone is saved from those babes from "Baywatch."
2. Passengers jump off side when Kathie Lee starts singing, "If they could see me now..."
1. The Titanic's father? Darth Vader

Top Ten Questions Clinton will be asked at his sexual harassment deposition - January 09, 1998

10. Would you please put your pants back on?
9. Why do you giggle when you hear the word subpoena?
8. Mr. President, could you put away the GameBoy?
7. Would you please take your hand off my thigh?
6. True or false: you own a pair of boxer shorts that read, Home of the Washington Monument."
5. Could you repeat that when you finish chewing?
4. Explain this (Video tape of Bill & Hillary dancing in their swimming suits)
3. What exactly is 'Pants Force One?
2. Can you explain this room service charge for three gallons of mayonnaise?
1. Did somebody say McDonald's?

Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal - January 27, 1998

10. Make guest appearance on "Ellen" as "Ricky-the Gay Gabana Boy.
9. Have name of country officially changed to "Spiceworld."
8. Call himself "El Presidente" and ride around the White House on a Donkey.
7. Star in new movie about misunderstood genius, "Good Bill Clinting."
6. Begin State of Union address by announcing, "I am so baked right now, dude!"
5. Appear on CBS special, "Presidential Interns Do the Darndest Things."
4. Release rap album under name "Puff Puffy."
3. During press conference, use fly rod to yank off Sam Donaldson's toupee.
2. Appear on "Jerry Springer" and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr.
1. Start harassing himself.

Top Ten Cool Things About Having an Affair with The President - January 28, 1998

10. At request, nuclear launch code change to "902"
9. Your old job: beautician at strip mall. Your new job: Secretary of Commerce.
8. You now belong to a selected group of 48,000 women.
7. Allowed to drive the rarely seen Presidential van.
6. Get to pick up red phone and scream, "What's happenin', you Russkie bastards?"
5. You're the only college student to arrive at Spring Break in a B1 bomber.
4. Your name:Kate. Name of scandal: Kategate.
3. According to Constitution, your 15-year-old brother automatically becomes "First Dude."
2. Every morning, a delicious continental breakfast prepared by Al Gore.
1. 50% off at all participating McDonald's.

Top Ten Signs You're in Love with The President - January 30, 1998

10. Just to be like him you balloon up to 300 pounds.
9. Your're perfectly content to be mistress number 1
8. On your White House internship application, you list your goals as "doin'it."
7. You boycott Hallmark store for not having a "Sorry You May Be Impeached" section.
6. Your website: www.tubby-lovin'-fool.com.
5. You've memorized the words to every one of his denials.
4. Your last major crush Nixon.
3. You've taped every one of his episodes on "Hee Haw."
2. The enthusiastic way you say, "Welcome to Hooters, Mr. President."
1. You find him guilty of being adorable.

Top Ten Other Accusations Against the President - February 02, 1998

10. Uses Moscow hot line to have phone sex with Mrs. Yeltsin
9. Plans to convert White House press office into a microbrewery.
8. Writes letters to Penthouse under the name "Hillbilly #
7. Fathered three of the seven McCaughey septuplets.
6. Can't see self on TV without yelling, "Bubba, you're one handsome sum'bitch!"
5. Planning to bomb Iraq just to impress Cindy Crawford.
4. Taught Buddy the dog to "Fetch" Sam Donaldson's hairpiece.
3. For last three years, has lived on nothing but vanilla frosting.
2. At Pamela and Tommy Lee's honeymoon, he operated the camcorder.
1. His real father: Chef Boy-Ar-Dee.

Top Ten Pet Peeves of Interns at the Late Show - February 03, 1998

10. Dave goes crazy if you don't call him "Zorro."
9. Forced to wear nothing but a pair of leather chaps.
8. Wicked hand cramps from writing Letterman's fake fan mail.
7. Two minutes in the theater and you're coughing up asbestos for days.
6. Fielding angry phone calls from Dave's ex-wife, Barbra Streisand.
5. So-called "intern lounge" just a broom closet full of angry hornets.
4. Spend all day wringing gravy out of Dave's tie.
3. Have sex with whoever you want -- you ain't ever gettin' on CNN.
2. When Dave "forgets" to put on pants before leaving dressing room.
1. You're actually required to watch the show.

Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein is More Nuts Than Ever - February 04, 1998

10. Just had name officially changed to "Saddamica Lewinsky."
9. Has begun filling his beret with steaming hot oatmeal.
8. To help US fighter planes, recently tattooed a large bull's eye on his forehead.
7. His so called "weapon of mass destruction" a violently shaken can of Bud.
6. Walks around in "Home of the Scud Missile" boxer shorts.
5. This time, he's declaring a war on the growing problems of teen smoking.
4. Claims that Titanic was sunk by Iraqi navy.
3. Giggles like a schoolgirl every time he hears the word "dictator."
2. Was caught having "improper sexual relations" with his mustache.
1. Hoping to win a place on the "The Real World: Baghdad."

Top Ten Overheard at the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding Interview - February 05, 1998

10. For old time's sake, how about I wack the other knee?
9. Please welcome tonight's moderator, Jerry Springer.
8. Yeah, like Tara Lipinski never hit anyone with a metal pipe.
7. You slept with the President? Me too?
6. Tonya, do you find your skating skills useful in your current career at Burger King?
5. On second thought, I should have used a crescent wrench.
4. Next on Fox-'World's Scariest Zamboni Chase'.
3. Let's put this behind us and go beat the crap out of Oksana Baiul.
2. Why don't you do a sit-spin on this?
1. Let's get ready to rumble.

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Gold Medal - February 06, 1998

Top Ten Reasons The United States is The Best Country on The Face of The Earth - February 09, 1998

10. Even lowly interns can meet the President.
9. Them other countries got nothing but foreigners!
8. The Pamela and Tommy Lee tape.
7. Three glorious words: "World Wrestling Federation."
6. . In U.S. it is acceptable for a grown man to wear skimpy shorts and a lot of oil.
5. Mexico invented the burrito, but we made it microwaveable!
4. Jeopardy's host: Canadian. Nine out of 10 winners on Jeopardy: American.
3. If you're really good at sports, you get to kill people.
2. Europe may have fancy architecture, but we've got Hooters!
1. No fruity accents!

Top Ten Reasons It Took Me 20 Years To Win The Daytona 500 - February 16, 1998

10. It took me 19 years to realize I had the emergency brake on.
9. Finally rotated and balanced my mustache.
8. Quit training with the Canadian snowboarding team.
7. Stopped letting my 300-pound cousin Ricky ride shotgun.
6. New strategy: pretend I'm Dave driving home on the Merritt Parkway.
5. Who cares that it took me 20 years -- at least my name isn't Dick Trickle.
4. Just figured out that if you mash the gas pedal all the way down, the car takes off like a son-of-a-bitch.
3. My new pit crew -- The Spice Girls.
2. This year whenever I passed somebody I gave them the finger.
1. My secret to success: one can of motor oil in my engine, one can of motor oil in my pants!

Top Ten Cool Things About Winning A Gold Medal - February 17, 1998

10. Fun to set off airport metal detector, then say, "I'm sorry -- that must be my Olympic gold medal."
—Colleen Coyne
9. Get to be President Clinton's intern.
—Sara DeCosta
8. It makes a really nice "ding" when you whack it against Verne Lundquist's head.
—A.J. Mleczko
7. On the flight home, free headsets and tequila.
—Tara Mounsey
6. Now that you've proved you're the best, you can sit on your ass and watch TV.
—Vicki Movsessian.
5. Comes with a big sloppy kiss from Gordie Howe.
—Alana Blahoski
4. When you get pulled over for speeding, you can say, "It's okay, officer, I'm going for the gold."
—Sarah Tueting
3. Get to take slap shots at the Spice Girls.
—Angela Ruggiero
2. The Canadian snowboarding team sends over some delicious homemade brownies.
—Jenny Schmidgall
1. Get to do Jell-o shots with Dave's mom.
—Karyn Bye

Top Ten Signs The Figure Skating Judges are Not Going To Give You a Perfect 6.0 - February 18, 1998

10. Judges can't tell the difference between you and the Zamboni.
9. Your coach keeps screaming, "Let go of the railing!"
8. The only thing that's 0 is your blood alcohol level.
7. You lutz yourself over the boards and into a hot dog vendor.
6. During a spin, your skate flies off and embeds itself in the Russian judge's head.
5. Your costume looks an awful lot like your Denny's uniform.
4. You perform your long program to the theme from "The Dukes of Hazzard."
3. You cut your routine short because you have to return your rental skates.
2. Every time you skate past the judges, you give them the finger.
1. You put the "cow" in "salchow."

Top Ten Sumo Wrestler Pick Up Lines - February 20, 1998

10. They call me 'Don Juan in diaper'.
9. I'm a 400 pound hunk of burnin' love.
8. Let's enjoy the traditional Japanese custom of gettin' it on.
7. Wanna wrassle?
6. I may look tubby, but I got an ass like a jackhammer.
5. People say I look like a young Paul Newman.
4. Wanna do it with a fat guy?
3. I'm 3 percent muscle, 50 percent fat, and 100 percent sex machine.
2. You can be on top.
1. I've got Mount Fuji in my pants.

Top Ten Rejected Grammy Categories - February 24, 1998

10. Best soundtrack for a Pamela Lee sex tape
9. Puffiest Daddy
8. Hanson brother most likely to rob a convenience store by age 25
7. Most thoroughly trashed dressing room
6. Best album to listen to when you're really, really baked
5. Sweatiest member of the Three Tenors
4. Best recording by a so-called friend of a former White House intern
3. Spice Girl most likely to get pushed in front of a subway train
2. Most successful blood transfusion for a former member of the Rolling Stones
1. Most overhyped piece of crap

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys - February 25, 1998

10. You're looking especially puffy today, Mr. Daddy.
9. I need a limo and some jumper cables to start Keith Richards' heart.
8. Bitchin' stage dive, Mayor Giuliani.
7. If these awards are so important, why are they broadcast on CBS?
6. Bjork, meet Dave Letterman--the Djork.
5. Uh-oh, Marilyn Manson's melting under the stage lights.
4. The president canceled when he found out the Rockettes wouldn't be here.
3. The guys from Hanson just asked me to buy them some beer.
2. Hey, the Spice Girls sneaked in dressed as caterers!..Oh, they are the caterers.
1. LeAnn Rimes, Busta Rhymes. Busta Rhymes, LeAnn Rimes.

Top Ten Ways To Make New York a Nicer Place to Live - February 26, 1998

10. Goodbye, crack dens -- hello, luxury crack suites!
9. Have Mayor Giuliani change his last name to "McCheese."
8. Replace jarring ambulance sirens with recording of "Mmmbop."
7. Instead of cabs, giant winged monkeys that carry you by your suspenders.
6. Attach outboard motor to Manhattan island and drive the sumbitch to the Bahamas.
5. For first time in 30 years, start enforcing "no homicide" rule.
4. No throwing up in subway unless you're in a specially designated "vomiting seat."
3. All criminal cases decided by that delightful Judge Judy.
2. Hookers who "just want to cuddle."
1. Change name to "New and Improved York."

Top Ten New Tourist Slogans For New York - March 02, 1998

10. We'll pick your pocket and steal your heart.
9. If our strippers don't smile, the next lap dance is free.
8. We break more laws by 9 AM than most cities do all day.
7. Come explore our mysterious puddles.
6. It's the city that never sleeps and rarely bathes.
5. Twice the fun and three times the crack.
4. We love to grope and it shows.
3. Food, folks, and felonies.
2. Yes that's a revolver in our pants, and yes we are happy to see you.
1. New York: the Gateway to Newark.

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's - March 03, 1998

10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here."
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's okay..
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"

Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books - March 04, 1998

10. The little intern that could
9. You've got an infected limb, Charlie Brown
8. Green Eggs and Anthrax
7. Winnie the Pooh gets caught in a bear trap
6. Curious George watches the Pamela Lee video
5. Alice in Wonderbra
4. The Grinch who stole to support his crack habit
3. Little women of cellbock B
2. James and the giant bottle of peach schnapps
1. The Hardy Boys investigate each other

10. When the show's not on, you beat the crap out of yourself.
9. Your first words at work every morning: "Bring on the strippers."
8. You're a guest on an episode entitled, "I Lost My Job By Watching Too Much Jerry Springer."
7. You're neglecting your duties as Vice President of the United States.
6. When your wife suggests turning off the show, you say, "Talk to the hand, girlfriend."
5. You claim that with every show, Jerry is becoming even "Springier."
4. You're the only subscriber to something called "Shirtless Springer Monthly."
3. You dress your poodle up in glasses and a little brown wig.
2. Can't have sex without a studio audience and a hand-held microphone.
1. You start eating beef just to annoy Oprah.

Top Ten Septuplets Pet Peeves - March 06, 1998

10. Every week, mom leaves at least one of us at the racetrack.
9. Parents haven't even named three of us.
8. Even in new family van, someone has to ride the glove compartment.
7. More dirty laundry than the Clintons.
6. Six fish sticks per box, so one of us always get screwed.
5. U.N. made too many concessions in deal with Saddam.
4. At dinnertimer, parents just throw raw beef into the crib and run.
3. Smart-ass babysitter who ask, "Which one of you is Sneezy?"
2. When dad's in a hurry and puts four of us in the same diaper.
1. Birthday presents marked "To whom it may concern."

Top Ten Punchlines to Dirty Irish Jokes - March 17, 1998

10. She's out in the barn making Bailey's Irish Cream.
9. I thought 'Dublin' was having sex with twins.
8. Here's one snake St. Patrick didn't chase out of Ireland.
7. That's not the Blarney Stone, but don't stop kissing it.
6. I saw Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche practicing their Gaelic.
5. Lord of the Dance? More like 'Lord of my pants'!
4. These lucky charms are magically delicious!
3. Keep looking -- I know there's a shamrock in there somewhere.
2. That is my thick Irish brogue, and yes, I'm happy to see you.
1. Ted Kennedy.

Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Leonardo DiCaprio - March 18, 1998

10. You refer to your Geo Metro as "Geonardo Dimetrio."
9. You stand on his front lawn naked hoping he'll sketch you.
8. You tell doctor, "If I die, give my kidneys to Leonardo."
7. You adore the cute way he says, "Who are you and why are you in my apartment?"
6. You're performing your third Top Ten list about him this week.
5. You're the only guy in North America with lifeboats attached to his Camaro.
4. You've started a protest group called "People Against Lifeboats."
3. You have the Mona Lisa tattooed on your forehead (Sorry, that's a sign you're in love with Leonardo DiVinci).
2. During "Titanic"'s love scene, you were too engrossed to notice President Clinton's hand moving up your leg.
1. Your name is Richard Simmons.

Top Ten People I would Like To Thank If I won An Academy Award - March 24, 1998

10. My best friend, Jack Daniels
9. My wonderful Kids, Cody and Cassidy
8. The dozens of endangered condors who gave their lives during the making of the film
7. Those makeup wizards who help me look like a 104-year old woman
6. My patient and understanding wife, Ellen DeGeneres
5. The entire CBS Orchestra, with the rendition of Paul Shaffer
4. Celine Dion, for her haunting rendition of, "Diamond Dave and the Musical Burrito"
3. My co-star, Punchy, the field goal-kickin' mule
2. Wally, my hairpiece wrangler
1. Rappin' granny

Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Ringling Brothers - March 25, 1998

10. Free popcorn if you're mauled by a tiger
9. Come see the kind of crap that passed for entertainment in 1903
8. We got midgets
7. Our tight-rope walker really sucks, so you'll probably get to see a guy die
6. The greatest show on Earth...If you don't count the Tommy and Pamela Lee tape
5. It's like the ballet -- but with 'splosions!
4. No longer affiliated with the baby-stealing gypsies
3. Sawdust, grease paint, and plenty of animal urine
2. Trotting out pitiful freaks since before Jerry Springer was born!
1. Dopes on ropes

Top Ten Advantages of Being the Smallest Man on Earth - March 26, 1998

10. Can sneak into movies by hiding inside box of Junior Mints.
9. It's a great way to make the Guiness Book without doing a damn thing.
8. Excellent chance you'll be cast in "Fantasy Island: The Movie."
7. People stop you on street and ask, "Aren't you that dancin' baby from 'Ally McBeal'?"
6. Exciting and lucrative career as poodle jockey.
5. Can get bitchin' tan under the French fry lamps at Burger King.
4. You and tallest man on earth can go to bars and beat up medium guys.
3. Can get restaurant tables by saying you're Michael J. Fox.
2. You're 40 years old, but your doctor still gives you a free lollipop.
1. One can of Budweiser and you're sleepin' til Easter.

Top Ten Cool Things About Winning an Academy Award - March 27, 1998

10. Weld it to the hood, and your '83 Buick becomes a kick-ass "Oscarmobile."
9. Might get offered the lead in the sequel to "Cabin Boy."
8. Free lifetime supply of Oscar Mayer Weiners.
7. Now have something else to crush ice with besides my Nobel Peace Prize.
6. It's fun to set off metal detectors at airports, then say, "Oh, that must be my Best Actress Oscar."
5. When I take tapes back to Blockbuster, no rewinding necessary.
4. Add glasses to the Oscar, and it looks like Paul Shaffer.
3. Maybe now, if I hope and pray, Leonardo will finally notice me.
2. If they give me a bad review, I can have Siskel and Ebert's thumbs cut off.
1. My new pool boy: Steven Spielberg.

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be the College Basketball 'Player of the Year - March 30, 1998

10. You've made more turnovers than Betty Crocker.
9. You keep asking the coach what inning is it.
8. You keep stepping on the referee's foot with your high heels.
7. You just got "drafted" to flip burgers at the local Wendy's.
6. The referee calls you for "just plain sucking."
5. Though the coach discourages it, you show up every game dressed like an astronaut.
4. Your strategy: take a shot, do a shot.
3. After every game, you receive a "thank you" note from the other team.
2. Can't take a shot without being blinded by ashes from your cigarette.
1. Frequently called for hand-checking yourself.

Top Ten Rejected Major League Baseball Expansion Teams - March 31, 1998

10. Appear on 60 Minutes and tell Ed Bradley, "Damn straight I was aroused."
9. Borrow the deep sea craft they used in "Titanic", join the Three-Miles-Deep Club.
8. For the first time this year, he'll actually kiss Hillary.
7. Get to work on the other fourteen lawsuits pending against him.
6. Call Paula Jones and say, "I know we've had our differences, but how 'bout a date?"
5. Enjoy giant stack of pancakes while groping Mrs. Butterworth.
4. Stay up all night harassing himself.
3. At press conference, drop pants and shout, "I'm the king of the world!"
2. Call Kenneth Starr in middle of night and say, "Subpoena this!"
1. Throw out a case of Corona.

Top Ten Paula Jones' Lawyers Excuses - April 02, 1998

10. Got tired of being paid with cases of hairspray.
9. We're not actually lawyers, just really big fans of "Ally McBeal."
8. Bad idea to have Paula try on that glove from the O.J. trial.
7. Jacoby pulled his weight, but Meyers sucked.
6. We're pretty sure Bubba banged the judge's gavel, if you know what we mean.
5. That smooth-talkin' hillbilly's got everyone hornswoggled.
4. Forgot to cover up Paula's "Show me the money" tattoo.
3. El Nino blew away dozens of crucial documents.
2. Who can concentrate on all those dull legal papers when Jerry Springer is on?
1. Frankly, we're not very good lawyers.

Top Ten Other Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World - April 06, 1998

10. Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's.
9. According to the latest letter from Ed McMahon, he may be the winner of ten million dollars!
8. New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock.
7. Can eat as much as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as much as he wants.
6. He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never found out about her.
5. Nobody knows he killed Jacques Cousteau.
4. As president, receives copies of the "Garfield" comic strip several days in advance.
3. Portrayed in movie by John Travolta, not George "Goober" Lindsey.
2. The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat ass back to Arkansas.
1. Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns.

Top Ten Side Effects of the New Impotence Drug - April 07, 1998

10. You find yourself thinking, "Andy Rooney isn't a bad looking guy."
9. Inability to safely use revolving doors.
8. Now have to come up with brand new excuse for your poor sexual performance
7. You like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain.
6. Uncontrollable urge to run for President of the United States.
5. May cause hair loss in Canadians.
4. You're able to multiply jillions of big numbers like that guy in "Good Will Hunting."
3. Sudden desire to buy erector set.
2. After first use, girlfriend tells you, "Save your money, hot shot."
1. Pregnancy

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Easter Bunny - April 08, 1998

10. For an Easter bunny, he sure has a lot of stories about being in prison.
9. With every hop, his bunny pants drop another inch.
8. He's in his bunny suit ready to go -- and it's October.
7. Brags that he's starring in own sitcom on the WB called "Bunny Bunny".
6. When asked why there's a hole in the bottom of his suit, he says, "Them eggs don't lay themselves."
5. He shows up wearing his Arby's uniform and asks the kids to just "play along."
4. His "tail" is just flounced up back hair.
3. He's Jewish.
2. Cuts off his own foot, gives it to you saying, "This will bring you good luck."
1. Two words: three ears.

Top Ten Accountant Pick-Up Lines - April 09, 1998

10. You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
9. Please, baby, let me withhold you.
8. Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.
7. In my office, 'I.R.S.' stands for 'I'm really sexy.'
6. If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
5. You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income...now let's do it."
4. Let's fill out a 1040 -- you're a 10, and I'm 40.
3. You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother -- which is good, since I still live with her.
2. Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
1. Nice assets.

Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If It Were Run By Jerry Springer - April 10, 1998

10. On opening day of baseball season, President throws out first chair.
9. Everybody would be very, very, very, very dumb.
8. New national anthem: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
7. No army, no police -- just two really huge bouncers.
6. I, Dave, would be known as "the guy who kind of looks like the President."
5. State of the Union address now ends with poignant "Springer's final thought."
4. Oprah deported to Mexico.
3. On C-SPAN, heated congressional debate on whether new health care bill is "all that."
2. Instead of registering Democrat or Republican, you'd register transvestite or transsexual.
1. Whaddaya mean, "If"?

Top Ten IRS Agent Pet Peeves - April 13, 1998

10. People that claim charitable donation for watching CBS primetime shows
9. Everybody thinks rock stars get all the chicks -- but the truth is, chicks dig IRS agents
8. People who fill out their tax forms with mustard
7. H. Block always showing up at audits claiming he "forgot" his pants
6. When Janet Reno offers to settle up with sexual favors
5. Guys who keep sayin' yeah I got your long form right here!
4. People who pronounce IRS "erzz"
3. H & R Block accountants who are too busy eating steak to file on time
2. Letterman reporting his total year's income as $15,000
1. Three syllables: Leona

Top Ten Other Things President Clinton Won't Apologize For - April 15, 1998

10. That clumsy pass he made at Mrs. Yeltsin
9. Spray-painting "Casa de Tubby" on the side of the White House
8. Trying to impress his dates by wearing underpants that read, "The buck stops here"
7. Spreading rumor that Bob Dole is old when, in fact, he's only 36
6. Playing the "Bubbasaurus" in "Ghost Dinosaur '97"
5. His short-lived sitcom, "Everybody Loves Fatboy"
4. Requiring all female White House staffers to wear Hooters uniforms
3. Being such a handsome son-of-a-bitch
2. His five-year affair with Frank Gifford
1. Roger

Top Ten Good Things About Being a 63 Year-Old Mother - April 16, 1998

10. Baby crying? Turn down your hearing aid
9. At movies, you get both "child" and "senior citizen" discounts
8. You'll spare child "When I was your age..." speech, since you don't remember when you were her age
7. Baby + your dentures = hilarious "giant-toothed monster baby"
6. Get to replace Michael Jackson in Guinness "Weirdest Pregnancy in History" category
5. By the time your daughter's old enough to start dating really creepy guys, you'll be dead
4. Three words: shared nap time
3. Great chance to start "Bring Your Daughters to the Rest Home" day
2. Save money: buy diapers in bulk for your kid and you
1. There's always a place for you on Oprah

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival - April 17, 1998

10. Oh no, Marlon Brando is headed to the nude beach!
9. Actually, we Americans don't know what Mr. Stallone is saying either
8. And now, a brand new category: lamest volcano movie
7. Je m'appelle Butthead
6. I'm sorry, Mr. Stern, but room service does not deliver lesbians
5. Uh-oh -- Jean Claude Van Damme got drunk and kicked himself in the head
4. I can't believe they gave a special jury award to that 'Juice Tiger' infomercial
3. The prize for special achievement in gay cinema goes to 'Batman and Robin'!
2. Look, it's Jabba The Hutt!... No, it's just Roger Ebert"
1. Le 'Booty Call' -- c'est magnifique!

Top Ten New Yankee Slogans - April 20, 1998

10. We're crushing the competition -- and the fans.
9. If the flying debris doesn't kill you, the subway will.
8. It's still safer than being a soccer fan.
7. Our stadium's not as cold as the cheese on our nachos.'
6. 'Cause it's one! Two! Three tons of falling concrete!
5. The team itself won't start collapsing until September!
4. Come to the house that shoddy contractors built!
3. Yankee Stadium -- where every day is helmet day.
2. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. They win all the games. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees!
1. Heads up!

Top Ten Ways to Irritate Bill Gates - April 21, 1998

10. Steal his "nerdboy" license plate.
9. Accuse him of sexually harassing your laser jet printer.
8. Beat his high score on Tetris.
7. Ask him if they caught the guy who did that to his hair.
6. Tell him you heard he's "microsoft."
5. Leave his Spock ears on your dashboard so they melt.
4. Let the air out of the tires on the Gatesmobile.
3. Drop hints that Oprah's richer than he is.
2. WWW him right in the dot-com.
1. Two words: dork tax.

Top Ten Signs Your Top Ten List Sucks - April 22, 1998

10. Number ten isn't funny.
9. You see it on sale at flea market next to a book about John Tesh.
8. Three of the jokes are exactly the same.
7. Three of the jokes are exactly the same.
6. It's called "Top Ten Signs Your Top Ten List Sucks"
5. Three of the jokes are exactly the same.
4. Audience pays even less attention than usual.
3. CBS executives say they like it.
2. You use the word "ass" just to get a cheap laugh.
1. Three words: bad counting.

Top Ten Most Embarassing Jobs - April 23, 1998

10. CBS programming executive
9. Pillsbury doughboy stomach poker
8. You know the guy who collects all the change from pool hall vending machines -- his assistant
7. The U.S. ambassador to David Hasselhoff
6. George Michael's men's room attendant
5. Any job where you're required to use the word "frappuchino."
4. Paul Shaffer's mid-show scalp masseur
3. Dairy Queen's senior vice president in charge of scrumpdillyiciousness
2. Talk show host forced to say the word "scrumpdillyiciousness" on national television
1. Paula Jones' attorney

Top Ten Phrases That Sound Cool When Sung By A Blues Singer - April 24, 1998

10. That Leonardo Dicarprio is one hunky son of a bitch
9. OOOWWWWW mama, I just spilled McDonald's coffee in my lap
8. MMMBop
7. Bovine spongiform encephelopathy is primarily transmitted through contaminated livestock feed
6. Tell me, darling, do these pants make my ass look fat?
5. If you could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise
4. Tomorrow on Oprah: Actor Tony Danza
3. I've been working harder than a Clinton family lawyer
2. Turn your head and cough
1. If I hear that damn Titanic song again, I think I'll slit my throat!

Top Ten Rejected Replacements for Seinfeld - April 27, 1998

10. Saddam Husseinfeld
9. AfterSeinfeld
8. Half an Hour Shot of Jerry's Building With That Twangy 'Seinfeld' Music
7. Colors Bars That Will Still Beat Whatever's On CBS
6. Touched By George Michael
5. Dharma and Greg and George and Leo and Hiller and Diller and Malcolm and Eddie and a Pizza Place
4. Kids Say the Stupidest Damn Things
3. When Animals Prepare to Attack and Then Think the Better of It
2. The '60 Minutes' Guys Get Their Prostates Examined
1. Just Cancel Me

10. Went to Disney's new "Animal Kingdom" and beat a moose to death
9. While holding wrapped present, exclaimed, "It feels like a beret!"
8. Admired his FTD "Wish You Were Dead" bouquet from President Clinton
7. Listened as citizens of Baghdad sang "Happy Birthday"
6. Watched as citizens who didn't sing "Happy Birthday" were shot
5. Read his congratulatory telegram from Satan
4. Saw "The Object of My Affection" -- loved it, loved it, loved it!
3. Played his favorite party game, "Pin the Stead Knife on the Cowardly Traitor"
2. Had a few U.N. babes in to "inspect his pants"
1. He got bombed

Top Ten Ten Oldest Man in the World's Last Words - April 29, 1998

10. Hello, Domino's? How serious are you about that 30 minute guarantee?
9. These are my last word! No, these are my last words! No, these are my last words!
8. Too...much...potato salad.
7. Tell that bastard world's second-oldest man I'll see him in hell!
6. Oh sure, now there's an impotence pill.
5. Tape 'Seinfeld' for me.
4. There's nothing like a fresh serving of Fugu* (Note: If not prepared properly, Fugu, a type of sushi can be poisonous, even deadly)
3. Please! Stop that singing!
2. I saw it all--from horseless carriages to pantsless presidents.
1. Ah--screw it.

Top Ten Rap Names or Meteorological Terms - April 30, 1998

Top Ten Things I, Dave, Have Learned Over the Last 1,000 Shows - May 01, 1998

10. For an old guy, Hugh Downs can really throw a punch.
9. Animals: cute. Animals that urinate on the host: hilarious!
8. If your guest is a stamp collector, make sure he brings the stamps, or it'll be a tough eight minutes.
7. Two words: preshow daiquri.
6. You want big ratings? Get a guy who can do this. (videotape of Stupid Human Trick)
5. Some guests take offense when you introduce them as a "no-talent bag of gas"
4. My hairpiece is flame-resistant, not flame-proof.
3. Mujibur: nice guy. Sirajul: son of a bitch.
2. Dan Rather is all hands.
1. Do 1,000 shows for CBS and you're looking at a brand new toaster, cowboy!

Top Ten Cool Things About Dating the President's Daughter - May 04, 1998

10. Can send the Secret Service guy into 7-11 to buy you beer.
9. U.S. Ambassador to Stanford? You got it!
8. Good way to make your former girlfriend Madeline Albright really jealous.
7. That chemistry teacher who gave you a "D"? Deported to Iraq.
6. When he says, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," you're in business, my friend.
5. Beats the hell out of that one night stand you had with Lloyd Bentsen's niece.
4. . Great free investment advice from Hillary.
3. If you bring her home late, you can claim Kenneth Starr was questioning you for hours.
2. At restaurants, when the bill comes, she just says, "Put it on the national debt."
1. She knows where he keeps the pot.

Top Ten Rejected Mob Euphemisms for Killing a Guy - May 05, 1998

10. Validate his parking stub
9. Cancel his subscription to "Life" magazine
8. Decaffeinating his espresso
7. Celining his Dion
6. Moving his show to CBS
5. Feeding him a Taco Bell death-burrito supreme
4. Giving him tickets to a John Tesh concert
3. Introducing him to Lorne Greene
2. Get him a room at the "I'm-Not-Alive-Anymore" hotel
1. Killing him

Top Ten Ways The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different if it Were Made Today - May 07, 1998

10. Grisly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an uzi
9. Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!
8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"
7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra"
6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch
5. It would be named "Twister II"
4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would have his brain removed
3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.
2. Lions and tigers and bears, oh sh**!
1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"

Top Ten Things My Mom Said to Me While I Was Growing Up - May 08, 1998

10. What did I tell you about putting on Mommy's lip gloss?
9. Remember, David, you're only here because the gypsies didn't want you
8. Comb your hair, or it'll look that way when you're 51
7. Yes, David, you're very funny -- now finish your Prozac
6. Of course I'll be your prom date
5. With grades like these, you'll have to go to Ball State
4. Look at all the empty chairs we invited to your birthday party
3. Next time you'll have to raise your own bail money
2. I know what you're doing in there
1. Time for bed, Steve, or whatever the hell your name is

Top Ten Things The Government Doesn't Want You To Know - May 11, 1998

10. Eight of our last ten presidents were secretly named "Stewie."
9. There's no such place as "North Dakota."
8. Your social security number contains coded information about what you look like naked.
7. Al Gore is the result of a cross-breeding experiment between a man and a coffee table.
6. You know that "Titanic" song everyone loves? It was actually recorded by Saddam Hussein.
5. The last episode of "Seinfeld" is kind of disappointing.
4. The entire Cuban missile crisis was staged by Jerry Springer.
3. Due to a navigational error, Neil Armstrong actually landed in Wilmington, Delaware.
2. The "Late Show" is a secret CIA operation designed to cure insomnia.
1. Ten cents on every tax dollar goes directly to Oprah.

Top Ten Surprises in the Final Episode of Seinfeld - May 13, 1998

10. Entire plot revolves around a mob of angry Puerto Ricans trying to light Kramer on fire.
9. Fonzie moves to L.A.
8. You finally get to see what Godzilla looks like.
7. At the end, the head of NBC prime time programming hangs himself.
6. Cameo appearance by George Michael as "Slave of His Domain."
5. Soup Nazi hunted down by "Soup Simon Wiesenthal."
4. Elaine goes nuts and does it with Newman.
3. Episode is basically 75 minutes of Jerry counting his money.
2. What's the difference -- the damn show got canceled.
1. The show isn't really ending, it's just moving to CBS.

Top Ten Things I Can Only Say Tonight - May 14, 1998

10. I don't listen to a damn thing the guests say
9. Attention I.R.S. I haven't paid my taxes since 1973
8. The Ed Sullivan Theater is filled with deadly radon
7. To be honest, I kind of like that Celine Dion 'Titanic' song
6. I'm about to sell 'Hard Copy' a sex tape of me and Jerry Springer
5. My phone number is 212-975-6628
4. Sometimes I feel like there's an angry black woman inside of me trying to get out
3. I like to watch 'Melrose Place' in my underwear
2. Oprah was right -- if you eat beef, you'll die!
1. Paul Shaffer...I love you

Top Ten Nicknames for New Orleans - May 15, 1998

10. Planet Hangover
9. The Topless Metropolis
8. The Least Annoying French Place on Earth
7. Your Buddy on the Big Muddy
6. John Goodman's Favorite Hangout
5. Where the Saints Go 6-and-10
4. Attack of the Drunken Fraternity Boys
3. The Small Difficult
2. The City that Sobriety Forgot
1. Jambalayapalooza

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Monster Movie - May 19, 1998

10. End comes when monster slips and falls while running with a pair of scissors
9. It includes the line, "Oh no! He's heading straight for Poughkeepsie!"
8. Plot weakness covered up by the monster's rap performances
7. In close-ups, you can see the word "Mattel" on monster's foot
6. The "monster" appears whenever Bob Dole takes his Viagra
5. Forget breathing fire -- the giant monkey has garlic breath
4. Includes the dialogue, "Walk for your lives!"
3. The monster leaves cotton stuffing in its path
2. You can frequently see the puppeteers in the monster's ass
1. His foot is the size of a human foot

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Would Do with $175 Million - May 20, 1998

10. Buy 175 million more Powerball tickets
9. Buy 700,000 vowels on the "Wheel of Fortune"
8. Buy something from the 99 cents store and tell the salesman to keep the change
7. Pay part of Bill and Hillary's legal bills
6. Write book How I Won $175 Million and Why My ATM Code is 4968
5. Bet the whole wad on the Indiana Pacers
4. Rent 175 million tapes from Blockbuster, then return them a day late
3. Call the zoo and say, "How much for one a 'them Godzillies?"
2. Put it all in CBS stock
1. Eat it

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Horse Whisperer - May 21, 1998

10. Loved the horse--hated the whispering.
9. That horse whisperer sure could horse whisper!
8. I've seen movies with horses, I've seen movies with whispering, but I've never seen movies with both horses and whispering.
7. This was ten times better than 'The Horse Mumbler'.
6. That Robert Redford can whisper my horse any day!
5. At the end of the credits, it read, 'No animals were actually whispered in the making of this film'.
4. It was such a dramatic moment when he finally raised his voice.
3. My uncle Earl used to shout at dogs.
2. I liked it when the horse whispered, 'Get your fat ass off my back!'
1. I thought this movie would be much better-er.

Top Ten Ways to Make a Barbecue More Exciting - May 22, 1998

10. Get friends to make circle around hibachi and put out flames "the old fashioned way"
9. Hot briquette + dad's shorts = hilarious dancing dad
8. Hire ventriloquist to make hamburgers scream in pain when people bit into them
7. Have it on the median strip of I-95
6. Everyone strips naked and goes nuts on each other with tongs
5. Hide the mustard, and later, when everybody's looking at it, you can find it and be a hero
4. Wear apron reading: "Don't kiss the cook, as he has a festering cold sore"
3. Ribs
2. Have George Michael prepare the barbecue sauce
1. Cole slaw made out of real coal

Top Ten Sailor Complaints About New York City - May 26, 1998

10. When you enter the city, your dress whites instantly turn jet black
9. Ever since Disney took over Times Square, all the hookers are dressed like "Goofy"
8. Ship's propellers always getting jammed with floating mob corpses
7. When you hear "Hello sailor!" it's almost always in a baritone voice
6. Guys in street shouting "Yo-ho-ho and a vial of crack"
5. Everyone just assumes you bought your uniform at a costume shop in the Village
4. Smart-aleck kids keep calling you Popeye
3. Have to drink lots of overpriced alcohol to get that great seasick feeling
2. When a cabbie returns your salute he only uses one finger
1. You spend a week's pay on one lapdance

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College - May 27, 1998

10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot
9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonal's uniform
8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell
7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers
6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "Castration"
5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "good, honest book-larnin'"
4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled
3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie"
2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black
1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"

Top Ten Questions Asked by Tourists Visiting New York City - May 28, 1998

10. Does it always smell like this? -Jaine from South Dakota
9. Do you think we'll ever see our luggage again? -Jon and Nancy from Massachusetts
8. Which way to the emergency room? -Paul from Florida
7. Five bucks for a lousy cup of coffee? -Stu from Illinois
6. Who's that gap-toothed fella with the world-famous Paul Shaffer? -Martin from Alabama
5. How do I get to Seinfeld's apartment? -Julie from Maine
4. What's with Mayor Giuliani's hair? -Judith from California
3. Is it true that the hot dogs in New York explode? -Lou from New Mexico
2. Which way to the hookers? -Craig from Pennsylvania
1. Go what myself? -Ed from Nevada

Top Ten Questions on the Spice Girls Application - June 02, 1998

10. Can you read?
9. Are you allergic to spandex?
8. Are you comfortable with the name "Replacement Spice?"
7. Would you be willing to go on a lame "reunion tour" in about four years?
6. Do you have another job lined up when we fire your ass?
5. Were you dumb enough to spend $9 on a ticket for the Spice Girls movie?
4. Oh, and by the way, can you, like, sing or anything?
3. Have you ever taken the SAT's?
2. Can you spell "SAT's?"
1. Ever kill a guy?

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Lawyer - June 03, 1998

10. Begins every sentence with "Well, as Ally McBeal once said..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.
8. Just before your trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
7. He thinks he'll win your case, "because there's a first time for everything"
6. He once failed to get a conviction of O. J. Simpson.
5. Whenever he says, "Your Honor" he makes thos elittle quotation marks in the air.
4. Sign in front of law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:45"
3. Begins by telling jury, "You all look like you should be on Jerry Springer"
2. Giggles every time he hears the word "briefs"
1. His phone number: 1-600-SHYSTER

Top Ten Other Executive Privileges - June 04, 1998

10. Access to Gerald Ford's vast underground collection of "Hustler" back issues.
9. Use of high-resolution military satellites to warn when Hillary is coming.
8. Get to call P.L.O. chairman Yasser Arafat "Yas."
7. When approaching four-way intersection, President may yell, "Yee-Haw!" and barrel through at full speed.
6. The unalienable right to lie your fat presidential ass off.
5. If the president is hungry he may commandeer a civilian's muffin.
4. Can make pilot of Air Force One buzz Kenneth Starr's house.
3. $5 discount on Fudgie the Whale cakes at participating Carvel stores.
2. Veto power on all new "Baywatch" hirings.
1. The annual NATO wife-swapping party.

Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes - June 05, 1998

10. Farewell, Books...Hello Fry-O-Lator
9. Enchantment Under the Shop Teacher's Toupee
8. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich
7. An Evening in a Mexican Prison
6. Let's All Vomit in the Men's Room Sinks
5. Lactose Intolerance
4. Inside Geraldo's Mustache
3. Murder at Brentwood
2. The Private World of George Michael
1. 1001 Fake I.D.'s

Top Ten Other Items On Bob Denver's Police Record - June 08, 1998

10. Stealing from cash register during his shift at 7-11.
9. Grand theft hammock.
8. Panhandling outside boat shows.
7. Driving unregistered, uninsured bamboo car.
6. Beat a hitchiker to death with a rake.
5. Constantly foiling the professor's level-headed attempts to get them off the island.
4. Obscene phone calls to Jim Backus.
3. Found aboard the S.S. Minnow -- Over 100 kilos of black tar heroin.
2. You know those mattress tags that read, "Do not remove"? Well, he killed the guy who prints them.
1. Coconut-fondling.

Top Ten Charlton Heston Pick-Up Lines - June 09, 1998

10. "Want to break some commandments?"
9. "Whoa -- are you from the planet of the babes?"
8. "You have the right to bear my children."
7. "There's no five-day waiting period for this handgun."
6. "Wanna see me turn a snake into a stick?"
5. "I know a secluded spot in the woods where we can riddle each other with bullets."
4. "My films ain't the only things that last three hours..."
3. "I'm a far better lover than that freaky 'Late Show' announcer Alan Kalter."
2. "Charlton wants to put his gun in your holster."
1. "I've got the gun, you've got the rack."

Top Ten Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting To Americans - June 10, 1998

10. Foreign countries play for the right to nuke each other.
9. Every five seconds, goal or no goal, have that nutty Spanish guy scream, "Goooooaaaallll!"
8. Use clever ad slogans like, "Soccer--You'll Get a Kick Out of It!"
7. Stop bein' a bunch of old ladies and let 'em use their hands, for God's sake.
6. Add four bases, a ball and a bat like a real damn sport!
5. Get all them damn foreigners off the field.
4. How 'bout some cars gettin' smashed up real good?
3. Lewinsky!
2. Replace ref with Jerry Springer and let the fun begin.
1. Less corner kicking, more coach-kicking.

Top Ten Signs There's Trouble in the Barbie and Ken Marriage - June 11, 1998

10. Ken overheard at bar saying he'd like to find "a woman with bendable elbows."
9. Years-old feud about who can go longer without blinking.
8. After sex, she said, "You ain't exactly Stretch Armstrong."
7. Ken's extensive collection of gay porn.
6. While Ken's asleep, Barbie covers him with bacon grease so neighbor's dog will chew him to shreds and bury him.
5. They're arguing over custody of the Beanie Babies.
4. She wants the kids raised as dolls, and he wants them raised as action figures.
3. He's been coming home late at night reeking of Silly Putty.
2. Personal ad reads, "Curvy blonde seeks anatomically-correct guy."
1. Lewinsky!

Top Ten Words You Won't Find In The New Webster's Dictionary - June 12, 1998

Top Ten Signs Your Life May Be a TV Show - June 15, 1998

10. All your fellow high school sophomores look like they're about 35.
9. No matter how many times you move, your neighbors turn out to be "wacky."
8. Your wife constantly throws to Al Roker for the five day forecast.
7. You dimly recall that, as a young child, you were played by twins.
6. You have two female roommates, and for some stupid reason, you have to pretend you're gay.
5. One day you're married to Dick York -- the next day you're married to Dick Sargent.
4. Every Wednesday night, at 9:00 sharp, you encounter a problem that takes exactly half an hour to solve.
3. Your phone number begins, "555..."
2. Can't get a speeding ticket in Montana without the whole world knowing it.
1. Your husband refers to your wedding as "a very special episode."

Top Ten Good Things About Being A 78-Year Old Father - June 18, 1998

10. So what if he cries all night -- I can't hear a damn thing.
9. If your son also has a child at 78, you'll become the world's first 156-year-old grandfather.
8. Skeptical young women invite you to prove that you're really capable of fathering a child.
7. No need for expensive toys once baby discovers the fun tufts of hair growing out of your ears.
6. Viagra, shimagra -- Everything's in working order, Pepe.
5. You get a great feeling of togetherness sharing a dish of strained peas.
4. To you, every step is his first, because you can't remember the one before.
3. You can make a lovely crib mobile with the envelopes from your Social Security checks.
2. Three magic words for when you're sick of bouncing the baby on your knee: "Oh my hip."
1. He's going to be a great role model for his eight younger siblings.

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Disney Movie - June 22, 1998

10. It's two hours of accidental deaths at Disney's "Animal Kingdom."
9. It's called "The Little Right Wing Militia That Could."
8. Robert Downey, Jr. keeps trying to smoke the Flubber.
7. Characters keep saying how great it will be to buy the video when it comes out.
6. You find yourself thinking, "Did Minnie get implants?"
5. It's advertised as being "from the makers of Euro-Disney."
4. Music and lyrics by Roger Clinton.
3. Mickey shouts, "Oh my god, they killed Goofy!"
2. Minnie Mouse spends half the movie stranded on a deserted island with Anne Heche.
1. There's five or six dalmatians, tops.

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Summer Fun Tips - June 23, 1998

10. Never store fireworks too close to your hidden cache of chemical weapons.
9. Ladies, turn heads at the beach with a skimpy two-piece veil.
8. When it comes to hot dogs, mustard bad, mustard gas good.
7. Your beret makes a great spur-of-the-moment frisbee.
6. When barbecuing, wear hilarious apron that reads: "Kiss the chef or you will be put to death."
5. Thursdays are always half-price at "Wacky Saddam's Family Water Park."
4. Enjoy the cooling breeze from your soldiers waving their flags of surrender.
3. Wet mustache contest!
2. Mix one part iced tea with one part lemonade, pour into large punch bowl, and use to drown your enemies.
1. Two words: camouflage speedo.

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble - June 24, 1998

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Top Ten Things Dave's Kitty Would Say If It Could Talk - June 26, 1998

10. "Get me out of this Princess Leia costume!"
9. "Can't we watch 'Nightline' for a change?"
8. "All I ask is that you re-fang me and give me five minutes alone with Socks."
7. "When you wear your leather collar we look like twins."
6. "Me -- Now and forever."
5. "I am not a hand puppet."
4. "You look like something I should be covering with sand."
3. "Please stop suction-cupping me to your car window."
2. "You should line my litter box with some of those Top Ten lists."
1. "I'm spayed -- What's your excuse?"

Top Ten Founding Father Pick-up Lines - June 30, 1998

10. "I hold this truth to be self-evident -- you're a babe."
9. "I've just gone through a terrible break-up with Betsy Ross and I don't think I should be alone tonight."
8. "Some people call me the 'Fondling Father'."
7. "You know what they say about men with big signatures."
6. "My teeth aren't the only thing made of wood."
5. "If somebody ever invents the telephone, can I give you a call?"
4. "All men are not created equal, if you know what I mean."
3. "That's a great powdered wig, but it would look even better balled up on my bedroom floor."
2. Insert your own "The British-Are-Coming" joke here.
1. "Give me liberty or give me sex."

Top Ten Reasons My Marriage To Barbra Streisand Didn't Work Out - July 01, 1998

10. I kept making her wear the "Yentl" outfit to bed.
9. Constant fighting over the nose-hair trimmer.
8. She caught me in the pool house with Celine Dion.
7. She got tired of hearing the words, "Hey funny girl -- heat up some nachos!"
6. People...people who need Viagra...are NOT the luckiest people in the world.
5. Disagreement over how many faces the mirror has.
4. A sexual wedge of suspicion was driven between us by Richard Simmons.
3. Kept apart by her rigorous concert schedule of one show every four years.
2. I got sick of finding Bill Clinton's ties under the bed.
1. We were just, like, way too much alike.

Top Ten Things That Are Hilarious To Every Human On The Face Of The Earth - July 02, 1998

Top Ten Things I, Dave, Love About America - July 03, 1998

10. American TV viewers the least demanding in the world.
9. Good looks not necessary for success in late-night TV.
8. Try and find a Slurpee in Belgium, Chester.
7. The flowing, musical sound of our national language, Spanish.
6. More big-chested strippers than the rest of the world put together.
5. Unlimited freedom to add the phrase "stone cold" to your name.
4. We got Hasselhoff!
3. Name another country that has a North and South Dakota.
2. In any other country, Jerry Springer would have been executed by now.
1. It's where all my stuff is.

Top Ten Complaints of Larry King's New Wife - July 06, 1998

10. During sex, he shouts, "Connie from Baton Rouge!"
9. Engraving on his wedding ring reads, "30-day money back guarantee."
8. Two words: suspender rash.
7. Always out drinking with his brother Don King.
6. She's listed on his speed dial as "The future ex-Mrs. King"
5. Instead of a diamond ring, he gave her one of his heart valves.
4. In his newspaper column, Larry gave the marriage two months.
3. He keeps holding "auditions" for wife number eight.
2. At his age, he needs suspenders on more than just his pants.
1. Refuses to kick Perot out of the garage.

Top Ten Last Minute Bob Dole Campaign Promises - July 07, 1998

10. Vote for Dole, get one of his old kidney stones.
9. As soon as he's president, he'll order bombing runs over Ross Perot.
8. He'll guarantee funding for studies on how to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese even cheesier.
7. He'll flood the state of Kentucky and turn it into a bitchin' water park.
6. If you want to sleep with Claudia Schiffer, he'll make it happen.
5. He'll give all press conferences without his teeth -- just for laughs!
4. First 100 Dole voters get a free "Grand Slam Breakfast" at the Russell, Kansas, Denny's.
3. He'll hold Gingrich's arms behind his back and offer every American a free punch.
2. He'll build a bridge to the 21st century and then promptly fall off of it.
1. Four years of the oldest, crankiest bastard in U.S. history.

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Cold - July 10, 1998

10. Upon seeing yourself in the mirror, your first thought is, "What's Keith Richards doing here?"
9. You get a thank you note from the President of "Kleenex."
8. Instead of saying, "Gesundheit," people head for the nearest bomb shelter.
7. You're shaking so much you dislodge a couple of fillings.
6. Your name is Michael Jackson and you're even whiter than normal.
5. You've taken to frying delicious bacon on your forehead.
4. You deliriously think, "Maybe I'll sit down and watch the new Tom Arnold show."
3. The thermometer melts in your mouth like cheap Mexican licorice.
2. Label on your Dristan package reads, "This won't help at all, you poor son-of-a-bitch."
1. Your eyelashes ache.

Top Ten Ways France Is Celebrating Their World Cup Of Victory - July 13, 1998

10. A good old-fashioned poodle roast.
9. French-kissing the guy who yells, "Gooooaaaaalllll!!!"
8. Surrendering to Germany.
7. Dousing coach with tub of melted brie.
6. Being thankful that they finally won something without begging the United States for help.
5. Getting le 'faced.
4. Carrying around signs reading, "See? We're not as fruity as you think we are."
3. Ticker-tape parade inside President Jacques Chirac's nostrils.
2. Commemorating the rarity of this occasion by taking showers.
1. "I'm going to Euro-Disneyworld!"

Top Ten Attractions At The New Michael Jackson Theme Park - July 14, 1998

Top Ten Other Ways the Miss America Pageant Will Be Different This Year - July 15, 1998

10. Singing theme song one last time: The exhumed corpse of Bert Parks.
9. Each contestant must be able to spell the name of her state.
8. Chief judge: Anne Heche.
7. Miss North Dakota must spend entire pageant on Miss South Dakota's shoulders.
6. New "Recently Female" division.
5. More emphasis than ever on oxyacetylene welding.
4. "Swimsuit, Evening Gown and Talent" segments replaced with "Punt, Pass and Kick."
3. New hair-pulling competition judged by Jerry Springer.
2. Girls still make lame speeches about world affairs, but now they do it naked.
1. Looks not really that important.

Top Ten Questions On The Zorro Application - July 16, 1998

10. Spell "Z".
9. When was the last time you buckled your swash?
8. Do you have a problem with "mask rash"?
7. Do you mind being shot at with guns while all you've got is a plastic sword?
6. Can you say the phrase "gay blade" without giggling?
5. Have you ever been fired from Taco Bell?
4. Can you work weekends?
3. Would you be willing to spend the first two years of your job as an assistant Zorro?
2. What's your favorite color--'cause if it ain't black, then, amigo, you're screwed!
1. What were your Z.A.T. scores?

Top Ten Cool Ways The Government Could Spend $63 Billion - July 17, 1998

10. Digitally remaster Al Gore.
9. Rent "Good Will Hunting" from Blockbuster and keep it for 63 billion days.
8. Goodbye, Pentagon -- Hello, Octagon.
7. Carve off half of Alaska, stick it onto Rhode Island so Rhode Island isn't so pathetic.
6. For 63 randon citizens, birthday cards with billion dollar bills tucked inside.
5. Pay every American named "Johnson" to move to Wyoming, rename it "Johnsonia."
4. Finally pay for restoration of the David Letterman Boyhood Home National Historic Site.
3. Clone enough Leonardo DiCaprios so every teenage girl can have one.
2. Get us a decent damn soccer team.
1. Two words: national kegger.

Top Ten Greatest Books of All Time About Guys Named Steve - July 21, 1998

10. "War and Peace and Steve"
9. "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Steves"
8. "The Grapes of Steve"
7. "The Steves of Wrath"
6. "Steve Grapes Steve Wrath Steve Steve"
5. "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Steve is From Cleveland"
4. "Where's Waldo? Is He With Steve?"
3. "Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown, Volume VIII: 'Mysterious Guys Named Steve'"
2. "The Joy of Sex with Steve"
1. "The Bible" (King Steve Version)

Top Ten Classes at the New York City Police Academy - July 22, 1998

10. Your Gun: Passport To Coolness
9. Micro-Hookernomics
8. Folded Newpaper or Shopping Bag? The Best Way to Accept Bribe Money.
7. How to Frisk a Pantsless Guy.
6. Our Friends in the Mounted Police: More Than Just Dorks on Horses.
5. "We got a 10-19 in progress!" And Other Things We Say Just to Sound Cool.
4. Recreational Handcuff Use.
3. The Film Career of David Caruso (only 1/2 credit).
2. How to Respond to the Finger
1. Interrogation Techniques That Drive Chicks Wild

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning an Emmy - July 24, 1998

10. You're on one of those crappy shows between "Seinfeld" and "E.R."
9. Bringing back "The Love Boat" was your idea.
8. Sample line from your show: "But does the thigh master really work, Suzanne?"
7. UPN and WB each claim you're on the other's network.
6. When you won last year, you thanked the voting panel for "Having their heads up their asses."
5. Special effects for your sci-fi show were created by asking viewers not to eat for thirteen days before watching.
4. The name of your show contains the words "Della" and/or "Ventura."
3. "TV Guide" hailed you as "A Chachi for the 90's."
2. Still no category for "Best Hillbilly Arrested on 'Cops'."
1. Your show's on CBS.

Top Ten Bill Clinton Post-Impeachment Plans - July 27, 1998

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half-brothers and sisters.
9. A tour of the nation's prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug Oprah. Step three: all is forgiven.
7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he smuggled out of the Pentagon.
6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
5. Buy a Hooters franchise.
4. Buy a Burger King franchise.
3. Buy a Hooters franchise.
2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go around dropping their pants.
1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

10. "Can I try on that absolutely darling little beret?"
9. "Is it all right if my son Ringo asks a few questions?"
8. "In a past life, did you sleep with President Kennedy?"
7. "Was your security clearance at level 36C -- uh, I mean, level C?"
6. "Is that hair gel?"
5. "Could you have a talk with my intern?"
4. "In the course of your encounters, did the President ever yell, 'Yee Hah!'?"
3. "Are you mad at me for ruining your entire adult life?"
2. "Is it true he asked you if you would like to 'go down in history'?"
1. "Did you inhale?"

Top Ten Other Things To Say When Stepping On The Moon - July 30, 1998

10. "Set your phasers for 'fun' -- the Buzzmeister has landed!"
9. "Jeez, what a dump!"
8. "That's one small step for man, once giant leap for my sock puppet Winky."
7. "I think I can see Ebert from here."
6. "Hey, Linda McGinty of Montclair High School -- remember when you wouldn't go out with me? Well, look at me now -- I'm on the moon!"
5. "I'd like to give a shout out to all my homies on the planet Earth."
4. "Visa -- it's everywhere you want to be! I just made 5 million bucks."
3. "Does this mean I have to miss the Smashing Pumpkins on 53rd Street?"
2. "Holy Crap!"
1. "Okay, I stepped on it -- now let's get the hell outta here."

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Morning Show - August 03, 1998

10. The weatherman is skinny.
9. News staff consists of people fired for lying at CNN.
8. A lot more talk about Satan than you'd expect on a typical morning show.
7. First guest: Alan Thicke. Second guest: Alan Thicke in a fake beard.
6. Host keeps thanking his co-hosts Jim Beam and Johnnie Walker.
5. Outside the studio window is the exercise yard at a local prison.
4. Every cooking demonstration ends with a four alarm grease fire.
3. Correspondents file reports about how sleepy they are.
2. Weatherman refers to the sun as "that big hot yellow ball thingy."
1. It's called "Wake Up, Newark!"

Top Ten Words You're Most Likely to Hear in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony - August 06, 1998

Top Ten Rejected Ways to Die in the New Halloween Movie - August 07, 1998

10. Old age.
9. Really, really, really big paper cut.
8. Pop rocks and soda.
7. Head explodes while trying to figure out why a movie called "Halloween" is coming out the first
week of August -- am I right, people?
6. Beaten to death with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer."
5. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.
4. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers.
3. Running with scissors.
2. Heart attack after being surprised by wife Hillary in oval office.
1. Laughing to death at joke on The Late Show.

Top Ten Signs Madonna Is Getting Old - August 10, 1998

10. The only "f-word" she uses is fiber.
9. Down to one tattoo a week.
8. Always offers her bondage partners hard candies.
7. Finally married longtime boyfriend James Brolin.
6. Getting more forgetful; sometimes sleeps with same man twice.
5. Most recent video features her writhing seductively on her little electric scooter.
4. Lately, the "Material Girl"'s been leaning towards polyester.
3. Still runs around naked all the time -- People just ain't taking as many pictures.
2. Goodbye, NBA players -- Hello, PGA golfers.
1. Latest single: "Like a Hot Flash".

Top Ten Ways the Pope is Trying To Be More Cool - August 11, 1998

10. Cameo as "dancing pope" on "Ally McBeal"
9. Ending each prayer with, "Can I get an amen?"
8. Swing-dancing in one of those Gap ads
7. Delivers sermon on "The sanctity of gettin' it on"
6. Changed his name to "Notorious P.O.P.E."
5. Competes in new sport: "Extreme Blessing"
4. Changed his name to "Pope John Paul George Ringo"
3. Now wears big pointy hat made by Kangol
2. Begins each mass by shouting, "Let's get ready to rrrruuuummmmbllllle"
1. Three-month run as Rizzo in "Grease"

Top Ten Signs the New York Yankees are Getting Arrogant - August 12, 1998

10. Visiting team automatically given six run head start.
9. Most Yankees leave at the top of the 8th to beat traffic.
8. Infielders always tripping over their lawn chairs.
7. Team's stated goal is to "Go out there and give 41%."
6. Coaches give most of their hand signals to the beer vendors.
5. Have been using team practice to rehearse their World Series victory hug.
4. On odd days, Derek Jeter volunteers with the Mets.
3. New promotion: "Get a Refund Plus $10,000 If the Yankees Lose Day".
2. Tickets now read: "Game starts at 7:30 -- Game ends when the Yankees finish whoopin' ass."
1. Sometimes they let an American guy pitch.

Top Ten Things Overheard Outside How Stella Got Her Groove Back - August 14, 1998

10. "I hope I never lose my groove."
9. "I knew she'd get her groove back, but I couldn't believe how she her groove back."
8. "I've seen movies with groove back getting, but that was the groove back gettingest movie I've ever seen."
7. "Robin Williams was so funny as the voice of the groove!"
6. "She got her groove back, but I want my nine dollars back."
5. "This is the exact reason I always write my name inside my groove."
4. "What do you mean 'Saving Private Ryan' is sold out?"
3. "Turns out her groove was under the sofa cushion the whole time."
2. "Hey, Stella! I got your groove right here!"
1. "Am I the only white guy here?"

Top Ten Surprises in the New Fall Season - August 17, 1998

10. "Touched By an Angel" to feature 50% more touching
9. Sabrina the Teenage Witch now baby-sitting for Michael Kennedy
8. ABC announces that Hugh Downs has been legally dead since 1989
7. After every correct answer on "Jeopardy," Alex Trebek removes an article of clothing
6. "Seinfeld" cast members now stop scenes to count their money
5. For the first time ever, "The Late Show" will use the word "waffles" twice in the same list
4. "Cops" to devote entire season to crimes involving the Dallas Cowboys
3. Waffles
2. "Walker, Texas Ranger" and "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" have merged into "Walker Quinn, Medicine Ranger"
1. Urkel's pregnant

Top Ten Surprises in Air Force One - August 18, 1998

10. The President never once drops his pants
9. Head villain killed by an angry, head-butting Janet Reno
8. Ear-biting terrorist played by Mike Tyson
7. At the last second, Harrison Ford is saved by his trusty side-kick, Chewbacca
6. Our nation's first female Vice President is played by Richard Simmons
5. Secret "escape pod" drops President safely at Oxford University
4. Oddly, the President's in-flight movie is 'Air Force One'
3. President Clinton has brief cameo as "Warren, the ass-grabbing flight attendant"
2. When held at gunpoint, President blurts out, "Take Hillary instead!"
1. The terrorists' only demand: Get rid of Newt

Top Ten Rejected CBS Slogans for the Fall Season - August 19, 1998

10. CBS: The network that brought you "Weezie" Jefferson!
9. The Urkel has landed!
8. Watch CBS, and an angel will come to your house and touch you
7. Your grandparents watch us -- why don't you?
6. On our network there's no chance you'll see Dennis Franz naked
5. Now broadcasting in color!
4. Watch us or we'll send Walker, Texas Ranger over to kick your ass
3. We're the most entertaining network when viewed drunk
2. Welcome home -- to more of the same old crap
1. We're the poor man's WB

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office - August 20, 1998

10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett
9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos
8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string
7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging around
6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note
5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles
4. Instead of Wite-Out, you're enouraged to use mayonnaise
3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling
2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap
1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats

Top Ten Bobby Pet Peeves - August 25, 1998

10. When the missus uses my hat to make potato salad.
9. When that smartass Sherlock Holmes makes us look bad.
8. Hat jackings.
7. The way these tall hats make your hair grow like Lyle Lovett.
6. Letterman and his damn speeding!
5. People who mix you up with that Bobbitt fellow.
4. It's bloody difficult to get Dunkin Donuts over here.
3. Guys who eat pork chops for breakfast.
2. When the queen gooses you and you can't do a bloody thing about it.
1. Yank chat shows and their bloody rotten jokes.

Top Ten Our Favorite Illinois Names - August 26, 1998

Top Ten Signs You Eat Too Much Rice-A-Roni - August 27, 1998

10. You can't cross the Golden Gate Bridge without consulting a team of architects
9. You drink a cup of boiling water and expand to three times your normal size
8. You show up at work naked except for a strategically-placed seasoning pouch
7. You get a little visit from a couple of Uncle Ben's goons
6. You just spent $1.7 million for a box of Rice-A-Roni that belong to Jackie Onassis
5. Every Wednesday night you have a small group meeting that begins with someone saying
"My name is Bob and I eat too much Rice-A-Roni"
4. When you go swimming in the bay, tourists mistake you for Alcatraz
3. You actually pass up a delicious head of lettuce
2. When you ask hookers for a "San Francisco treat," you really do mean dinner
1. Two words: Giant Ass-A-Roni

Top Ten Good Things About Being a Senior Citizen - August 28, 1998

10. The three Ms: Mahjong, Metamucil, and Matlock!
9. When you're on a Carnival Cruise and Kathie Lee starts singing, you can turn off your hearing aid
8. Instead of tipping waiters, I just tell them they can have my car when I die
7. It's easy to annoy young people. Step one: get in car. Step two: turn on blinker. Step three: leave it on for 50 miles
6. The early-bird special at Hooters
5. You can say whatever the hell pops into your mind. Waffles!
4. Once you hit 70, you start to look damn good in polyester!
3. My new bridge partner: Bob Dole
2. Social Security will be bankrupt in 50 years and guess what -- we don't care!
1. You're lookin' at a guy who's nailed all the Golden Girls

Top Ten Chapter Titles in Monica Lewinsky's Book - August 31, 1998

10. "Beret Full of Bill"
9. "Hillary: That Cat's Got Claws"
8. "I'm Not Even Gonna Tell You What I Did With Alan Greenspan"
7. "Things You May Not Know About The Return Policy At The Gap"
6. "Going Down In History"
5. "Linda Tripp: So Not My Friend"
4. "My Childhood Crush On Gerald Ford"
3. "Cute Guys On The Grand Jury"
2. "Sticking To My Testimony"
1. "The Presidential Salute"

Top Ten Things That Average Americans Think 'NASDAQ' Is - September 01, 1998

10. The drug Mark McGwire uses to hit homeruns.
9. One of the sweathogs on "Welcome Back Kotter."
8. Merv Griffin's Peruvian houseboy.
7. I dunno, but it has something to do with how Jodie Foster got pregnant.
6. That country whose butt we kicked in the Gulf War.
5. God willing, it's some delicious new kind of fudge.
4. Something you bake in brownies and sell at Phish concerts.
3. Pakistan's version of the "Rat Pack."
2. A new Ben and Jerry's flavor made with nazberries and duck.
1. The North American Society of Daqs.

Top Ten People Least Likely to Break Roger Maris' Home Run Record - September 03, 1998

10. Roger Maris
9. My mom
8. Osama Bin Laden
7. Anyone who watches Willard Scott with the hope that he'll mention their name on television
6. Bill Clinton, unless of course you're referring to "home run" as a slang term for sex, in which
case he would not be on the list, on account of his having lots and lots of sex
5. Morley Safer, unless he can somehow get 25 homers in his last 23 games
4. Mary Kate Olsen (Ashley has an outside chance, though)
3. James Brolin (*Note: is physically capable of this but Barbra won't let him work)
2. This guy (shot of guy sitting in audience)
1. You

10. Instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, it's some guy named "Leocarpo Dinardio."
9. Movie ends; boat doesn't sink.
8. You're pretty sure the original version didn't include a guy smoking weed in the front row.
7. Since when did Celine Dion's theme song begin with "Love...exciting and new..."
6. It's rated X, and the first three letters of the title are suspiciously capitalized.
5. Stella won't get into a lifeboat without her groove.
4. In first two minutes of movie, "Jack" character says, "Hello, and welcome to 'Bassmasters'."
3. The ship explodes after its speed falls below 50 miles per hour.
2. You could have sworn Tommy Lee wasn't in the original.
1. You live in Russia.

Top Ten Least Impressive Resume Entries - September 07, 1998

10. Host, Late Show with David Letterman
9. Types 120 words per day
8. Can belch the first three verses of Neil Diamond's "Cracklin' Rosie"
7. Acquitted in nationally televised trial of the century
6. Crack salesman of the month
5. Waterslide park employee who sits in chair next to top of slide and says, "Okay, you can go"
4. Extensive experience sticking finger into automatic pencil sharpener
3. Watched "Titanic" 47 times
2. 1982-1985: Domino's delivery man.
1985: Domino's manager.
1985-1998: Domino's delivery man.
1. Prime Minister, Russia

Top Ten Things Babe Ruth Would Say If He Were Alive Today - September 08, 1998

10. "You call this a baseball team? Where are all the fat guys?"
9. "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
8. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a candy bar after me?"
7. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a talking pig after me?"
6. "Hell, if that's the case, I would have been impeached from the Yankees 500 times."
5. "I won't play unless I'm paid one hundred thousand dollars a year!"
4. "I can't believe all these naked photos of me on the internet."
3. "I've just come back from the dead--so can't Denny's give me a free meal?"
2. "Yeah, I'd like to see McGwire hit 60 home runs drunk off his ass!"
1. "Steinbrenner sucks."

Top Ten Little Used Slang Terms For Hitting a Home Run - September 09, 1998

10. "Spanking the horsehide monkey"
9. "Dropping mom off at the rest home"
8. "Going deeper than the Russian debt"
7. "A Mexican strikeout"
6. "Impeaching President Baseball"
5. "Making contact with a pitched ball in such a way as to cause it to leave the confines of the
playing field while remaining in fair territory"
4. "Allying the McBall"
3. "A homer-sexual" (joke sent in by Adam Kaye, age 12)
2. "A wonderful excuse for your teammates to pat you on the ass"
1. "Interrupting the drunken slugfest in the bleachers"

Top Ten Signs You're About To Be Impeached - September 10, 1998

10. When you call to congratulate Mark McGwire, he lets his machine get it.
9. Your press secretary keeps introducing you as "President William Milhous Clinton."
8. You're invited to appear on Jeopardy's "Impeached Presidents Week."
7. Tipper Gore's in your office measuring it for drapes.
6. Even the sluttiest new intern won't give you the time of day.
5. Library of Congress stops letting you sign out books.
4. You walk into the Capitol commissary and 500 people simultaneously say, "Shhh! He's here!"
3. Somebody changed the locks on Monica Lewinsky.
2. Suddenly, everyone's kissing Al Gore's big cinder-block ass.
1. Your new Secret Service code name: "Roadkill."

Top Ten Other Impeachable Offenses - September 11, 1998

10. Asking Janet Reno, "How's the air up there?"
9. Using the word "scrumpdily-icious" during a State of the Union address.
8. Attempting to reheat unpopped microwave popcorn.
7. Whistling a "Backstreet Boys" song in public.
6. Ever, under any circumstances using the expression, "Cool beans!"
5. Your name is Charles, but you call yourself "Chaz."
4. Taking an intern up in an F-16 fighter plane to join the "7 G's" club.
3. Failure to "get jiggy with it."
2. Moving your late night talk show from NBC to CBS.
1. Whatever President Clinton did today.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Emmys - September 14, 1998

10. "Letterman won? It's gotta be fixed."
9. "I'm glad CNN won for Best Fabricated News Story."
8. "Could you at least drink the Cuervo from a glass, Mr. Brokaw?"
7. "I really, really, really thought this was Alf's year."
6. "The gown is Bob Mackie, but the stain is President Clinton."
5. "It's nice to see Tom Hanks finally get some recognition."
4. "I don't care if you are Angela Lansbury, you're not getting in without a shirt."
3. "I can't believe that idiot from 'Letterman' didn't kiss his wife."
2. "This is for all the fat girls--especially Richard Simmons!"
1. "Run for cover! More 'Seinfeld' tributes!"

10. Try not to preface sex with, "Do I have to?"
9. Don't embarrass her in front of the entire world -- women hate that.
8. Never ever ever wife-swap with the Shalalas.
7. Every few months, let her run the country.
6. If you must smoke cigars, get an actual humidor.
5. Six key words: deny, deny, deny, apologize, apologize, apologize.
4. Have them geniuses at Nasa develop a space ray that makes her forget what a bastard you are.
3. Remember, it takes two people to maintain a cold, loveless marriage of convenience.
2. Celebrate anniversary with a passionate night of lovemaking, and let her know how it went.
1. Don't get caught.

Top Ten Alternatives To Impeachment - September 16, 1998

10. Must take 63 swings to the head from Mark McGwire.
9. All of Clinton's interns must now be former "Golden Girls."
8. Arrange for him to be President of France, where they're into that stuff.
7. The place: San Quentin. The cell mate: Hillary.
6. Must deliver next State of the Union speech while wearing "the dress."
5. Every day from 9am to 10am, ordinary citizens may come to the White House and sass him.
4. At public appearances, "Hail to the Chief" replaced by cheesy porn movie music.
3. Must issue formal apology to Ted Kennedy for giving philandering politicians everywhere a bad name.
2. See Bobbitt, John Wayne.
1. No "Xena" for two weeks.

Top Ten Ways to Get Disqualified From the Miss America Pageant - September 17, 1998

10. When asked to talk about your home state you constantly have to look down at your sash
9. When you walk out and they sing, "There she is...the woman who looks like Jamie Farr"
8. Any sign of raw squirrel meat in your mouth
7. Asked to describe yourself in one word, you say, "bigot"
6. "My name is Monica and my talent is...well here, I'll show you"
5. Dinner with anyone in the world -- your choice: Phil Rizzuto
4. You test positive for intelligence
3. Your "talent" is eating a 64-ounce steak in 45 seconds
2. Halfway through, casually ask, "It's okay if I'm a man, right?"
1. Inform Mr. Trump that you're seeing someone

Top Ten Clinton Campaign Slogans If He Were To Run Again - September 18, 1998

10. "The Other Candidates Are Close, But No Cigar"
9. "It Couldn't Possibly Get More Embarrassing"
8. "You Gotta Admit He Keeps You Interested"
7. "He's Through Fooling Around With Interns...Unless There's A Really Hot Crop Next Semester"
6. "Clinton--In Touch With America's Young People"
5. "Who Knows, Ladies, Maybe You'll Be Next"
4. "Come On, Haven't We All Had Sex With An Employee Young Enough To Be Our Daughter And Lied About It Under Oath?"
3. "Now More Like JFK Than Ever"
2. "Marv Got To Go Back To Work--How 'Bout Bubba?"
1. "Peace, Prosperity, And Big Daddy Lovin'"

Top Ten Favorite Games of Cal Ripkin Junior's Career - September 21, 1998

10. Game 87
9. Game where he drilled Steinbrenner in the thorax with a foul ball
8. Game number 666, because streak would not have been possible without help of his dark lord, Satan
7. All-Star Game '88 -- unforgettable half hour whirlpool with Steve Sax
6. Any game where Hanson sang the national anthem
5. Milwaukee '96: played entire game with open gunshot wound
4. 1985's "Duran Duran Night" when the great Simon Lebon signed his bat
3. He cannot recall one game in particular at the present time (number 3 is brought to you by President William Jefferson Clinton)
2. June 8th, 1984 -- you should've seen the smokin' chick in the first row
1. The game when he finally got to sit his tired ass down

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If This Guy Were President - September 23, 1998

10. Nation embarrassed when President is unable to locate Texas on the map
9. Pretty good chance there wouldn't be any intern sex scandals
8. For first time in history, our President has part-time job at Radio Shack
7. For reasons too complicated to explain here, the 1040 form would be renamed the 1053 form
6. First scandal -- why doesn't our President bathe?
5. Scandal over his "inappropriate relationship" with this woman (shot of female audience member)
4. Most frequent answer during press conferences: "Huh?"
3. First President in history to wear hat with beer-cup holders
2. President's only lie to the public: "I've never gotten my head stuck in a White House banister"
1. Cabinet meetings all day, "Star Trek" movies all night

Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If the Numbers 1 Through 9 Did Not Exist - September 24, 1998

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels - September 25, 1998

10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
9. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
8. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
7. "Vacuumstarter"
6. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
5. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee -- He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
4. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"
3. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
2. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"
1. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"

Top Ten Other Highlights of the 1998 Baseball Season - September 28, 1998

Top Ten Other Clinton Scandals - September 29, 1998

10. Kicked 12 year-old boy to get McGwire home run ball
9. He's the real reason behind Matt Damon-Minnie Driver breakup
8. Wedding ring he gave to Hillary? Cubic Zirconia
7. Sold secret puffy thigh technology to Yeltsin
6. Once tried to build a bong out of Al Gore
5. Broke into the Watergate just for the hell of it
4. When family goes to movies, makes Chelsea pretend she's under 13
3. Paid Ken Starr to write a report that would "make him look like a stud"
2. At state dinner, once accidentally hit on Hillary
1. Secretly sold Delaware to Chinese for $500

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Say About The Economy - September 30, 1998

10. "Hey - betcha I can swallow a roll of quarters!"
9. "We need to worry less about our economy and more about the financial state of the country."
8. "Buy low, say hi."
7. "If you've ever wanted to burn money, this is a good time to do it, because there's a lot of it."
6. "Wall Street? So is it a wall or a street?"
5. "I recommend you buy CBS stock."
4. "Don't blame me, I voted for Scott Baio."
3. "Dow Jones--didn't he sing 'What's New, Pussycat?'"
2. "A penny saved is a penny you can use to scratch lottery tickets."
1. "Money good."

Top Ten Questions in the White House Press Secretary Job Interview - October 01, 1998

10. "Does cigar smoke bother you?"
9. "How many lies per minute can you type?"
8. "You wouldn't ask a lot of questions if the President had to hide a girl in your podium, would you?"
7. "How long can you stare at Sam Donaldson without giggling at his hairpiece?"
6. "Are you willing to work for Al Gore in a few months?"
5. "Please state, in 100 words or more, absolutely nothing."
4. "Would you talk on the phone with the President while he's 'otherwise engaged'?"
3. "Do you give your word that you will do your best -- just kidding, like someone's word means anything around here."
2. "Would you mind having sex with Hillary once in a while?"
1. "Is your wife cute?"

Top Ten NBA Player Demands - October 06, 1998

10. Keep Marv the hell out of the locker room.
9. Remove that silly "No choking your coach" rule.
8. Stop forcing us to live on an inhuman $12 million a year.
7. For the love of God, no more Shaquille O'Neal albums.
6. Acceptable to refer to any white player as "that white player."
5. Get post office to stop mixing up fan mail with NRA.
4. No Wednesday night games so players can watch "Dawson's Creek."
3. Typewritten memo explaining why the hell Utah's team is the "Jazz."
2. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi can no longer come to games--they're just too creepy.
1. Bigger balls.

Top Ten Signs Times Are Tough at Disney - October 07, 1998

10. Pluto rides the Monorail all day bugging people for change.
9. Dumbo the elephant now thinner than Ally BcBeal.
8. They can't even afford to buy pants for Donald Duck.
7. Huey -- dead, Louie -- dead, Dewey -- rehab.
6. To earn a few extra bucks, Minnie has been "interning" in the Hall of Presidents.
5. Now paying Korean animators $1.75 an hour instead of $1.85.
4. Rumors are they may have to sell Florida.
3. Scrooge McDuck received government-arranged bailout after his hedge fund collapsed.
2. They smashed Walt with a sledgehammer and sold him as party ice.
1. M-I-C-K-E-Y B-R-O-K-E.

Top Ten Things Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On - October 08, 1998

10. You don't argue with the ump when the ball is still in play.
9. Shaft is the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks.
8. We never should have made Utah a state.
7. It's true--Snickers really satisfies!
6. It's a crime that Geraldo has gotten his nose broken, but Jerry Springer hasn't.
5. Thank God Luke Perry is back on "90210."
4. Too bad Alan Thicke is Canadian, because he'd make the perfect president.
3. They could use a windowless corridor in their own offices.
2. The next big thing we investigate is how the "Late Show" won an Emmy.
1. The number one of the Top Ten List always sucks.

Top Ten Cases The Supreme Court Will Consider This Session - October 09, 1998

Top Ten Things Overheard During the New York City Marathon - October 13, 1998

10. Was that the starter pistol or a sniper?
9. I heard there's a special prize if you hurdle 100 dead guys.
8. Will you slow down for a second so I can steal your wallet?
7. I brought a compass in case I get lost in a pile of garbage.
6. 26 miles in 3 hours? That's better than my last cab ride to the airport.
5. According to my new $10 Rolex, I just ran the marathon in 21 minutes.
4. I thought I was the only runner who thought of using the subway.
3. Why does Donald Trump get to run with a jet engine strapped to his ass?
2. I'm sorry, sir, that crack is for the runners only.
1. I never thought I'd say this, but Al Roker's got magnificent calves.

Top Ten Ways New Yorkers Are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory - October 14, 1998

Top Ten Words You're Most Likely To Hear in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony - October 15, 1998

Top Ten U.S. Astronaut Complaints About the Russian Space Station - October 16, 1998

10. They get angry when you call them "Astro-Russkies."
9. It's powered by a donkey on a treadmill.
8. There ain't nothing messier than zero-gravity borscht.
7. The inflight movie always stars Yakov Smirnoff.
6. They're constantly bragging that "Chekov could've beaten the crap out of Captain Kirk."
5. Ever since accident, they can't shut off the left turn signal.
4. Russian Tang tastes even worse than American Tang.
3. When they get mad at you, they kick-dance you right in the head.
2. Russian idea of a balanced meal: half a potato and a pint of vodka.
1. The damn thing smells like cabbage.

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Bob Dole Were President - October 19, 1998

10. If you wanted my DNA, you'd have to marry me.
9. Ken Starr would still be less famous than his brother Ringo.
8. English language would contain about 50 fewer words ending in "gate."
7. Viagra to be served at all state dinners.
6. Red phone in Oval Office connected back to Moscow, instead of the Pizza Hut down the street.
5. Only uproar would be over my scandalously good looks.
4. No more interns. I'd replace them all with disgruntled CBS executives.
3. At this very moment Bill Clinton would be saying, "Would you like fries with that?"
2. You think I'd be on this lame talk show right now? Think again, Sparky.
1. I hope you don't like income taxes, because they'd be history.

Top Ten Signs Mike Tyson Is Calming Down - October 20, 1998

10. Neighbors' only complaint is he plays his Enya CDs too loudly.
9. Spends hours a day at Starbucks, filling his journal with beautiful poetry.
8. Women in nightclubs must sign a release form before he fondles them.
7. Now only eats half an ear and saves the rest for his next rampage.
6. Recently switched to decaffeinated steroids.
5. When kid at McDonald's overcharged him last week, Mike let him off with only eight kicks to the stomach.
4. Instead of flying into a rage, just strolls into a rage.
3. Collaborated with Burt Bacharach on most recent album.
2. Still into assault, but laying off the battery.
1. He won't fight on "'Will And Grace' Night."

Top Ten Signs Arafat and Netanyahu Are Warming Up To Each Other - October 21, 1998

10. Over the weekend, the two created a "Dawson's Creek" web site
9. Yassir asked Bibi to throw out first rock at next Palestinian riot
8. They're wearing matching "I'm With the Stubborn Bastard" T-shirts
7. Cracked up Secret Service with their "Roxbury guys" routine
6. They have come to a crucial agreement: Ally McBeal is way too thin
5. Netanyahu agreed to hand over recipe for his delicious potato salad
4. Word is they may finally be "getting back in the studio" with Lyndsey Buckingham
3. Arafat shaved Bibi's name into his stubble
2. They watched "Pink Floyd's The Wall" after devouring some of Yassir's famous "magic humus"
1. They exchanged interns

Top Ten Ways The Yankees Can Top Their 1998 Season - October 22, 1998

10. Become the first team to win World Series without using mitts
9. Champagne-drenched celebrations after every out
8. "In this corner, Mike Tyson. In that corner, the 1998 New York Yankees"
7. Let me, Dave, pitch
6. Send Steinbrenner on a homemade raft to Cuba
5. Goodbye Tino Martinez -- hello Tito Jackson
4. Parachute into Iraq and sort that whole mess out
3. Derek Jeter appearing at tomorrow's victory parade naked
2. David Wells appearing at tomorrow's victory parade sober
1. Maybe, just maybe, have Knoblauch work on his fielding

Top Ten Fun Ways to Spend Your Extra Hour - October 23, 1998

10. Cook 60 servings of Minute Rice
9. Make compilation tape of Dan Rather saying the word "subpoena"
8. See how many times you can punch yourself in the stomach before you throw up
7. Do a really, really, really half-assed job training for the New York City Marathon
6. Fondle; apologize to the nation; fondle; apologize to the nation
5. Squeeze out and set aside dabs of toothpaste for coming months
4. Make an extra $2,000,000 (Bill Gates only)
3. Try to reassemble pencil sharpener shavings back into whole pencils
2. Train your parrot to say, "Oprah has all the money"
1. Watch NY Jets season highlight tapes from last 30 years

Top Ten Signs Your Campaign Is Too Dirty - October 26, 1998

10. During a debate, you ask for an extra 30 seconds to respond to your opponent's hairpiece.
9. You hire a dozen children to run up to your opponent shouting, "Daddy! Daddy!"
8. The only thing liberal about you is your use of the F-word.
7. Ghost of Richard Nixon appears, tell you to "tone it down."
6. You plant your opponent's DNA on Richard Simmons' shorts.
5. Your campaign manager: The "Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart.
4. Even Kenneth Starr says, "Cut the guy a break!"
3. Your slogan: "I'm the only candidate who doesn't intend to kill your family."
2. Your "V for Victory" sign involves two extended middle fingers.
1. You are Al D'Amato.

Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies - October 27, 1998

Top Ten Highlights Of Bill Gates' Birthday Party - October 28, 1998

10. Spirited game of "Pin the Tail on the Geek."
9. The part where he bought out the competing birthday party next door.
8. The thrilling rumor that an actual woman might show up.
7. Employee who decorated cake with trick candles that can't be blown out? Fired.
6. The annual tradition--drunkest guy in the room has to cut Bill's hair.
5. Leonard Nimoy presenting him with an autographed Spock ear.
4. Instead of blowing out candles, making vanquished business rivals put them out with their bare hands.
3. Kids got to smash pinata full of $10,000 bills.
2. When he "downloaded" almost 12 bottles of beer before passing out.
1. Scorin' the free meal at Denny's.

10. They only let you bring four of your 26 cats
9. Heat of re-entry melts plastic seat cover on shuttle sofa
8. In the old days, a shuttle launch only cost a nickel!
7. The robotic arm in the cargo bay cheats at shuffleboard
6. Grandchildren never drop by
5. Food in space not tasteless, mushy enough
4. Jowls act weird in zero gravity
3. Even the moonmen won't listen to your stories about "double-ya double-ya two"
2. By the time the countdown reaches "8", you're thinking, "Hey--this isn't my regular bus to the library"
1. Make up your own Tang/Viagra joke here

Top Ten Hilarious Mischief Night Pranks To Play In Space - October 30, 1998

Top Ten Ways To Get a Dumb Guy's Vote - November 02, 1998

10. Campaign outside the Jerry Springer studio
9. Wear a fake beard and claim you're "the dude on the penny"
8. Promise to repeal all those invasive laws against eating paint
7. Legally change name to "salty snacks" -- dumb guys love salty snacks
6. Tell him you don't have time to explain, but if you're elected he gets to have sex with Meg Ryan
5. Convince him the stuff you did with Monica was not really sex
4. Promise to make tying your shoelaces 25% easier
3. Just say, "I'm counting on your support, Mr. Letterman"
2. Offer him a job in your administration as Secretary of Beer
1. Your slogan: "Me am good!"

Top Ten Jesse The Body Ventura Campaign Slogans - November 03, 1998

10. He's Already Used To Deceiving The Public.
9. Let's Get Ready To Legislate!
8. Building A Steroid-Enhanced Bridge To The 21st Century.
7. A Man In Tights Has Nothing To Hide.
6. C'mon, Don't You Want To See Newt Gingrich In A Choke Hold?
5. I'm The Only Candidate Endorsed By Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
4. Finally, A Governor Whose Shorts Glitter.
3. Combining The Wise Economic Stewardship Of Hulk Hogan And The Progressive Policies Of Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.
2. Vote For Me Or So Help Me God I'll Piledrive You.
1. It's The Stupidity, Stupid.

Top Ten Things On Chuck Schumer's 'To Do' List - November 04, 1998

10. Return keg from the victory party
9. Figure out what the hell a Senator actually does
8. Learn how to say "Pataki" without giggling
7. Figure out how the hell I'm going to pull off that 100% tax cut I promised
6. Thank Dave Letterman for not endorsing me
5. Create new state motto -- "We're Schumer-riffic!"
4. Watch that "How a Bill Becomes Law" cartoon one more time
3. Endorse new Starbuck beverage line -- the Chuck-accino
2. Tell Steinbrenner if he talks about moving the Yankees to Jersey one more time, I'm going to hunt him down like a dog and beat him with a rake
1. Change name to Chucky "The Body" Ventura

Top Ten Real Reasons Newt Gingrich Is Leaving - November 09, 1998

10. Vernon Jordan got him a job at Revlon.
9. Figured he'd have a decent chance playing for the Knicks' scab team.
8. Phil Donahue wants the hair back.
7. Ran out of personalized House of Representatives stationery, didn't realize he could order more.
6. Finally taking that romantic Caribbean cruise with Pat Buchanan.
5. Fears 20-year-old nude photos will turn up on the internet.
4. Just doesn't feel Newty anymore.
3. Do you know what it's like working side-by-side with Barbara Boxer every day and not be able to touch her, not be able to hold her?
2. Exchange program with WWF--we get Jesse Ventura, they get Newt "The Brute."
1. Strom's starting to get a little "ripe."

Top Ten Words You Don't Want To See In Your Restaurant Review - November 10, 1998

Top Ten Organized Crime Money Savings Tips - November 11, 1998

10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.
2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"
1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.

Top Ten President Clinton Screen Names - November 13, 1998

Top Ten Changes They're Making To Sesame Street - November 16, 1998

10. Steinbrenner buys neighborhood and moves it to Jersey
9. In a very special episode, Grover develops a severe case of static cling
8. Instead of the letter "B," show now brought to you by Budweiser
7. Oscar the Grouch has new roommate in garbage can: Tony the Mob Corpse
6. Bert dumps Ernie for a massage therapist named Rico
5. Bill Gates comes on to teach kids the number 55 billion
4. You know that counting Vampire? He and Buffy start getting it on!
3. Newest furry creature -- Willie Nelson
2. Big Bird launches rap career -- changes name to Notorious B.I.G.B.I.R.D.
1. Goodbye Jimmy Smits -- hello Rick Schroeder

10. No kicking the wedding photographer in the groin.
9. Visiting rights for Madonna.
8. In case of divorce, wife gets 50% of husband's tattoos.
7. He's forbidden from making more movies with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
6. In bed, husband will not be required to "three-peat."
5. Ms. Electra is entitled to all profits from their inevitable appearance on "Cops."
4. She can still date other men.
3. He can still date other men.
2. He has to stop hanging out with his weird friend Dave (Clip of Dave & Dennis wearing dresses)
1. Joint bank accounts, separate mascara wands.

Top Ten Good Things About Living In A Really Small Town - November 19, 1998

10. If you get a busy signal, you can just yell out the window, "Get off your damn phone!"
9. No chance those whiny punks from MTV's "The Real World" will move in.
8. It takes Domino's over seven hours to get here, so the pizza's always free.
7. We only had sixteen muggings last year!
6. The mayor has no staff, which means he won't be getting in trouble with any interns.
5. You can walk around naked on your property, and the worst that can happen is nine people will see you.
4. If your wife gets flowers from some guy named Roger, you have a pretty good idea which Roger it is.
3. It's so safe, people leave their doors unlocked--which makes it easy for me to steal stuff.
2. If you open a burger stand, you can make your slogan "Best Burgers In Town" even if they really suck.
1. Just one speeding ticket issued to Dave Letterman can double the town budget.

Top Ten Possible First Lines For Monica Lewinsky's Book - November 20, 1998

10. "Even as a baby, my parents noticed I had an unusual attachment to my pacifier."
9. "'Give me all your hot, intern love,' said the big creep."
8. "It was a dark and windowless corridor."
7. "Dear Penthouse: I never thought I would be writing one of these letters..."
6. "I knew someday I'd go down in history."
5. "Like, I hate hate hate hate hate hate Linda Tripp."
4. "Does this font make me look fat?"
3. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times -- na, it was mostly bad."
2. "By the time you read this, I'll be on to my next president..."
1. "Me and my big mouth!"

Top Ten Things Scalpers Say To Sell Tickets To Our Show - November 23, 1998

10. "Sure this is 'Lion King'."
9. "It's a great place to hide out from the cops for an hour."
8. "I'll swap 8 Letterman tickets for one to 'The Waterboy'."
7. "Tonight the part of David Letterman will be played by Brad Pitt."
6. "These seats are so close you'll be able to smell the liquor on Dave's breath."
5. "Yes, I'm sure it's the same guy who had the show on NBC."
4. "During the commercial breaks, Dave reads thought provoking quotes from the Bible."
3. "These tickets also get you into Dave's reggae party after the show."
2. "Sure, $300 is steep, but you never know--this might be the night he actually says something funny."
1. "860 loyal viewers can't be wrong."

Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Tips For a Festive Thanksgiving - November 24, 1998

10. Not enough chairs at the table? Kill one of the guests.
9. To give your turkey that smokey flavor, leave it in the garage with a car running.
8. A fake severed finger in the stuffing is a sure laugh-getter.
7. Have pumpkin sign an affidavit before you cut it up and make a pie.
6. Watch Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and look for my new balloon, "Harry The Hypodermic Needle."
5. For fun, point to dozing relative and announce, "I injected her!"
4. Reenact story of the Pilgrims' first assisted suicide.
3. If the turkey is good, describe it as "terminally juicy."
2. At end of meal stand up and proclaim, "We all have the right to diet!"
1. Two words: gravy I.V.

Top Ten Nicknames For Dave - November 25, 1998

Top Ten Things This Guy is Thankful For - November 26, 1998

10. When you talk to girls on the internet, they can't see what you look like.
9. Can sometimes convince women that he's a Backstreet Boy.
8. Camera can't see scar from where he stuck a fork in his ear.
7. His exciting one day marriage to Carmen Electra.
6. I didn't point out what a fruity name "Bryce" is.
5. His white shirt masks the vanilla milkshake he spilled on himself during lunch.
4. Inexpensive frozen dinners that save him the embarrassment of saying, "Table for one."
3. A friend finally told him that when you ask for AA batteries at the store, you shouldn't call them "Aaah" batteries.
2. Summer, '93. Evening. Coney Island. Almost kissed a girl.
1. Was able to find somebody to cover his shift today at Kinkos.

Top Ten Leftover Top Ten Items - November 27, 1998

10. I Still Know Who You Did Last Summer
9. "That's like buying a comb for Paul Shaffer."
8. The Fleshy Bangladeshi
7. Sally Jesse "The Body" Raphael
6. "When you said 'Teletubbies,' I thought you were referring to Roger Ebert and Al Roker."
5. Monica Lewinsky inflating the Underdog balloon.
4. "Some joker told John Glenn the nearest supply of Viagra was on Mars."
3. Your name is George Harrison (I'm sorry, that's Top Ten Signs You Were Subpoenaed by Ringo Starr)
2. Hillary Rodman Clinton
1. Saddam's hiding missile parts in Garth Brooks' hat.

Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire From Boxing - November 30, 1998

10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off.
9. Your last match was promoted as "The Snooza in Tuscaloosa."
8. When you hear the bell, you shout, "Is it dinner time, mommy?"
7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip.
6. Instead of "Let's get ready to rumble!" announcer says, "Let's watch the geezer get his ass kicked!"
5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren.
4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks.
3. Opponent's glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat.
2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap.
1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Santa Claus - December 01, 1998

10. She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop."
9. An elf comes by the house to drop off a pair of her earrings.
8. Your new baby has white hair and a beard.
7. She smells like a combination of peppermint sticks and reindeer-chow.
6. Instead of mailing your children's letters to Santa, she just stuffs them in her bra.
5. Paramedics need "jaws of life" to get the two of them out of your chimney.
4. Lately, she's been commuting to work in a flying sled.
3. She keeps saying, "Not tonight--visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head."
2. For Christmas, your kids receive something called, "The Your-Daddy-Sucks Doll."
1. During sex she shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!"

Top Ten Cool Things About Having an Affair With the President - December 02, 1998

10. At your request, nuclear launch code changed to "90210."
9. Your old job: beautician at strip mall. Your new job: Secretary of Commerce.
8. You now belong to a select group of 48,000 women.
7. Allowed to drive the rarely-seen Presidential van.
6. Get to pick up red phone and scream, "What's happenin', you Russkie bastards?"
5. You're the only college student to arrive at Spring Break in a B1 bomber.
4. Your name: Kate. Name of scandal: Kategate.
3. According to Constitution, your 15-year-old brother automatically becomes "First Dude."
2. Every morning, a delicious continental breakfast prepared by Al Gore.
1. 50% off at all participating McDonald's.

Top Ten Ways Things At The White House Are Different When Hillary Is Away - December 03, 1998

Top Ten Signs It's the Holidays In New York City - December 04, 1998

10. People say "Merry Christmas!" before giving you the finger.
9. Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scene with festive holly.
8. People pray even when they're not in the back seat of a cab.
7. If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck The Halls.
6. Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on their lap.
5. Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Christmas tree for $1.
4. Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
3. Police investigate the season's first sleigh-jacking.
2. Strangers greet each other with "I got your Yule log right here."
1. Two words: Crack Nog.

Top Ten Signs The Football Game You Are Watching Is Fixed - December 07, 1998

10. During the coin toss, a player calls "heads" and the ref says, "Yeah that's close enough."
9. Instead of chanting "We're number one," players chant "We're gonna cover."
8. John Elway has thrown five touchdown passes to the referee.
7. Referee only blows his whistle to get the attention of beer vendor in the stands.
6. One team leaves the field after the third quarter to "beat the traffic."
5. TV coverage features the "Budweiser Deliberate Fumble of the Game."
4. At the half they announce final score 21-17.
3. Name of winning team--the Baltimore Bookies.
2. One team gets a fifth down "for trying so hard."
1. The New York Giants are winning.

Top Ten Shocking Facts About Furbys - December 08, 1998

10. "Fur" actually hair from Brooke Shields' electrolysis.
9. U.N. inspectors have discovered thousands of them hiding in Iraq.
8. Furbys test better on SATs than average New York City high school student.
7. "Furby" spelled backwards is "Murder"!
6. If you point a garage door opener at Furby, it will vomit blood.
5. Astronomers have discovered an enormous stone Furby on Mars.
4. For some reason, Dan Rather sits on one during nightly newscast.
3. More interesting than shocking -- Furbys hate playing golf, but love watching it on TV.
2. When you leave the room, they hunt around for your credit card number and radio it back to headquarters.
1. They're all sold exclusively at "Rip-Offs 'R Us."

Top Ten Adult Movies Playing in the New Times Square - December 10, 1998

10. "The Pizza Delivery Guy Who Actually Came Just To Deliver Pizza"
9. "9 1/2 Weeks at Bible Camp"
8. "Actually, It Is A Rolling Pin In My Pocket"
7. "Blowing Hard--A Comprehensive Look Back at the History of the Whistle"
6. "Hot Studs, The Kind You Nail Sheetrock To"
5. "Naughty Nurses Who Keep Their Sex Lives Strictly Private"
4. "Not Till We're Married"
3. "Even Farther Beyond The Valley of the Dolls, Where Life is Dull and Uneventful"
2. "Well-Hung Drapes"
1. "Debbie Does Dishes"

Top Ten Things That Have Crossed President Clinton's Mind - December 14, 1998

10. "Nicole Kidman? Nude? One ticket, please!"
9. "How about a new meal between lunch and diner called 'linner'"
8. "I hope no one finds out about me and Vernon Jordan"
7. "I'm sure glad no one can read my thoughts -- oh, let's see what tonight's Top Ten list is"
6. "If I can just find an intern from Wyoming, I'll have all fifty states!"
5. "When did the Marine Corps band switch from 'Hail to the Chief' to 'Taps'?"
4. "How am I gonna be able to sneak chicks into prison?"
3. "Isn't it weird -- we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway"
2. "I wonder what the precedent is on nuking Ken Starr to kingdom come"
1. "I hope that wrestling Governor guy doesn't hurt me"

Top Ten Signs There's Tension In The Clinton Marriage - December 15, 1998

10. Hillary recently photographed in New York Post holding hands with Jerry Seinfeld.
9. Hillary's just not been her cold, distant self lately.
8. For the first time in our nation's history, the President's staying at the "Y."
7. After dinner, she pointedly offers him a cigar.
6. Hillary no longer laughs at joke, "You may be the First Lady, but you sure ain't the last!"
5. They've already started talking about who gets to keep the White House.
4. Canceled weekly game of "Scattergories" with the Gores.
3. He's surpassed his monthly allowance of 60 extra-marital affairs.
2. Their towels are monogrammed "Hers" and "Philandering Bastard's."
1. Every morning she greets him with a 21-slap salute.

Top Ten Things That Would Get Santa Claus Impeached - December 16, 1998

10. Posting naked pictures of his lap on the worldwide web.
9. Skipping his Christmas Eve duties "because it's 'E.R.' night."
8. The swing he took at his arresting officer on "Cops."
7. Dodging the I.R.S. for decades by spreading rumor that he doesn't really exist.
6. Having "improper relationship" with a Furby.
5. During off-season, renting his sleigh to heroin smugglers.
4. Letting Asian businessmen buy their way onto the "nice" list.
3. I could make a joke about candy canes and cigars, but for God's sake, let's just put this whole sordid mess behind us.
2. His idea of "elves" is just Santa's way of getting around child labor laws.
1. Turns out he's a Scientologist.

Top Ten Rejected Names For The Iraqi Conflict - December 17, 1998

10. Operation Delay-The-Inevitable-A-Week-Or-So
9. Operation Best 2-Out-Of-3
8. Operation: From Milton Bradley
7. I Still Know What You Did To The U.N. Weapons Inspectors
6. I Can't Believe It's Not Impeachment
5. When Really, Really Desperate Presidents Attack
4. The Rumble In The Jungle -- We Realize That It's Actually a Desert, But If Clinton Can Change The Definition Of The Word "Sex" Then We Can Change The Definition Of The Word "Jungle"
3. Bill Clinton's Bombin' Countdown To Impeachment
2. The Final Episode Of "Husseinfeld"
1. Chicken Soup For Saddam's Soul

Top Ten Signs You're Having a Bad Holiday Season - December 18, 1998

10. All of the Christmas cards you receive are addressed to "Resident."
9. On the one hand you got that great new clock radio; on the other hand there are cruise missiles heading for your palace.
8. You're riding in a one-horse closed sleigh, and your wife keeps whining, "Oh what fun we'd be having if only this were an open sleigh!"
7. A week after Christmas, you notice a bizarre smell coming from the chimney.
6. The first words your Furby says are, "Take me back to the store."
5. You're wrapping presents with rejected drafts of your suicide note.
4. You've had more than one fist fight with a mall cop.
3. Every person you know gets you an industrial-sized bottle of Clearasil.
2. The FBI finds your "genetic material" on Mrs. Claus's dress.
1. Two words: tinsel rash.

Top Ten Good Things About Having President Clinton As Your Cellmate - December 21, 1998

10. Finally, the connection you've needed to meet your hero, Roger Clinton.
9. That Bubba makes one mean license plate.
8. You guys are a cinch to win the big health care debate against rival prison.
7. His doughy folds of back fat are a great place to hide cigarettes.
6. His stories of life with Hillary make you appreciate how good things are in prison.
5. If you're caught breaking out, he's got a great definition of "escape."
4. Thanks to constitutional loophole, you're fourth in line for the presidency.
3. Hilarious "Uh oh, is that Barney Frank?" joke he always makes in the showers.
2. Tell him there's a Wendy's outside the prison wall and he'll dig a tunnel in 20 minutes.
1. Four words: care packages from Monica.

Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves - December 22, 1998

10. December 26th rolls around, and all of a sudden you're just another fat guy.
9. When Sam Donaldson asks if you've ever had an improper relationship with an elf.
8. It takes five security guards to pry Richard Simmons off your lap.
7. Dumb kids who keep asking, "Are you Kenny Rogers?"
6. I'm recognized by everyone, I'm beloved the world over, and I'm making $6.50 a damn hour.
5. The bastards make you work Christmas Eve.
4. It breaks your heart when Amish kids ask for a Nintendo that doesn't require electricity.
3. Mrs. Claus constantly reminding me that I don't have a job lined up for January.
2. Men who sit on my lap and sob: "All I want for Christmas is my wife back from Jerry Seinfeld."
1. Kids drinking egg nog all day, not enough bathrooms...you do the math, Chester.

Top Ten Reindeer Names Or Characters Played By Tony Danza Or Items On Saddam Hussein's Christmas Wish List - December 23, 1998

10. Visiting Robert Downey Jr. with a carton of Christmas cigarettes.
9. Chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head.
8. Going to KFC for a tasty bucket of deep-fried elf parts.
7. Hosting my special, Senor Dave's Old-Fashioned Mexican Christmas.
6. Learning to snowboard on the slopes of Al Roker.
5. Dropping by Times Square strip club for some "figgy pudding wrestling."
4. Keeping a careful log of when each needle drops off the tree.
3. Helping myself to some delicious egg nog.
2. Going to Tijuana for more plastic surgery.
1. Putting little Santa hats on my kitties.

Top Ten Things Beautiful Women Love About Dave - December 28, 1998

10. (Gyneth Paltrow) -- Running my fingers through his soft, brown hair while he's watching TV...in the other room.
9. (Drew Barrymore) -- He looks so great in lipstick.
8. (Jewel) -- Let's just say hosting a talk show isn't the only aspect of late night that he's mastered.
7. (Salma Hayek) -- The way he sits behind his desk pantsless whenever he interviews me.
6. (Geena Davis) -- I don't know if this counts as love but he has been very good about adhering to the restraining order.
5. (Helen Hunt) -- The sex is amazing.
4. (Marilyn Manson) -- The sex is amazing.
3. (Madonna) -- You know when he eats those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the jelly squirts out the space in his teeth.
2. (Whitney Houston) -- He's really, really rich and he's really, really stupid.
1. (Julia Roberts) -- The romantic dinners for two at Sizzler.

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions from Me, Dave - December 31, 1998

10. Cover the remaining 80% of my body with tattoos.
9. Reprise my role as "Ponch" in another 'CHiPs' reunion movie.
8. No more spontaneous, drunken marriages to ex-Baywatch stars.
7. Mail the lover letter I wrote last year to that cute mannequin at the Gap.
6. Order glasses from LensCrafters minutes before we set clocks ahead in the Spring, sue them for not having glasses ready in an hour.
5. Go into the bathroom I sealed off five years ago, see if the big bug is gone.
4. Not get frustrated with the TV Guide crossword puzzle, ask for help if I need it.
3. Cut back to 3 Rob Roys before the show.
2. Cut back to 6 Rob Roys after the show.
1. Do not renew New York Knicks season tickets.