What is the right thing to say to someone in deep pain? Jewish insights into comforting those who need it most.

The day before, I had written to ask: was I was being paranoid or had she been pulling away from me? I had been going through what was possibly the most painful period of my life (thus far), and my friend – a devoted, loyal, loving, supportive friend – had all but disappeared.

For years, we didn't go more than a few days without an e-mail or phone call between us – hers always bubbling over with warmth, humor and love. And then – poof! – she was gone, hidden behind a veil of silence. At the time I needed her closeness and support the most, she was gone.

"I just knew how much you were hurting," she wrote in sincere apology, "but I didn't know what to do."

I didn't get it.

My friend is a good person and deeply caring friend. So isn't when someone is hurting the most important time to be a friend?

Yet it's a very human reaction to do the opposite: to pull away. Not because you don't care, but because you simply don't know what to do.

Giving in to your fear of what to say is an abdication of responsibility.

Giving in to fear of "what to say" or "what to do" is certainly more comfortable in the short term, but, says Judaism, it is an abdication of the human obligation to comfort those in pain.

Even God Himself comforted Isaac after his father's death. Easy for Him, right? After all, God knows what to say!

Worry not: Jewish tradition gives guidelines for how to comfort those who have suffered a loss. Not just mourners who have suffered the death of a loved one, but also the end of a close relationship, the loss of a job, or any of the other myriad slings and arrows that make life the oh-so-interesting learning experience that it is.

Pay a Call

First and foremost, reach out.

Resist the urge to avoid the sticky, uncomfortable goo that is someone else's pain. The sense of isolation and loneliness that accompany any serious loss can be crushing. You are needed.

In the case of a mourner, we go to the home where the person is sitting shiva. No one likes paying "shiva calls," but we recognize the obligation to relieve mourners of the unspeakable loneliness that accompanies their loss.

In the simple act of reaching out to someone in pain, you ease the burden. You counteract his aloneness by simply being there.

Depending on circumstances, you may want to take your friend for dinner, get her out to a movie, or meet him for coffee. But it doesn't even have to be that much.

Call. Leave a message saying, "You're on my mind." Or send a card or e-mail, saying, "Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope you're feeling okay."

You can't take the loss away, but you can make your friend feel less alone.

Let Them Talk

Of course, once you plan to visit, you think, in a panic, "What am I supposed to say??"

There's good cause for this: plenty of us would tend to say something stupid.

Jewish tradition helpfully instructs: Don't speak to mourners until they speak to you first. You let them speak if they want, or you merely comfort them with your presence. You let them set the tone and pace. You resist the urge to fill the silence with your words.

Apply that to other painful scenarios. After all, what do you say to someone who just lost their job? Or who is going through a divorce? Or who is battling a disease?

Don't worry about what to say. Just listen.

Most of us aren't sagacious rabbis or psychologists who can offer just the right words to our pained friends. But you can lend an ear, or a shoulder, or offer a hug. And that's frequently enough.

Word to the wise: don't force someone to open up to you. It's a wonderful thing to say, "If you want to talk, I am here." It's less helpful to call up and say, "You had a miscarriage? How terrible! C'mon, talk about it. You'll feel better."

Everyone wants and needs different things for comfort. One person may want you to listen to her cry. Another may want you to cheer her up.

Give What They Need

What you might need in their situation may be totally different than what she needs. Have enough humility to realize that what you think they need, may not be in fact what they do need.

The tough talk, buck-it-up speech that seems to make so much sense to you might be absolutely devastating to someone in a fragile place.

Try asking what he needs from you: "How can I support you?" "What can I do to help you?" "What would you like from me now?" It may be running an errand, helping with arrangements, or lending a hand around the house.

Respect the Process of Grief

Recognize that the only thing that will "fix" your friend is time.

This is recognized in Jewish law with the separate categories of mourning through which a mourner progresses, spread over a period of a year (for parents). As time passes, the mourning restrictions ease and the mourners slowly rejoin society.

Progressing through any grief process involves inevitable ups and downs. Your friend may be totally fine today and devastated tomorrow, calm one hour and hopeless the next.

Know Perspective

Try to be patient, even when you're thinking, "How long is he going to wallow already?" or "How many times am I going to hear about this again?" It's easy to sum up someone else's pain when you have the perspective he lacks. You're not going through it.

At the same time, Jewish tradition cautions against excessive grieving. If someone cannot move past his or her pain, he may need help. If you think this applies to your friend, speak to a counselor or rabbi to help you evaluate the situation.

You might gently suggest that your friend perhaps speak to someone trained in dealing with grief, to help her feel better and gain perspective on the situation.

You Do Have the Time?

About mid-way through my (teary) plodding toward equilibrium, I spoke about the ways people had responded with another friend who'd gone through a similar experience.

I knew that I had developed life-long loyalty to three or four friends who had been unfailingly kind, patient and loving as I slogged my way back to normalcy.

What did they do?

Not much. They called. They made sure to invite me places. One of them bought me a goofy hat on a day I was particularly down.

They made sure I knew that I was on their mind.

Basically, they made an extra effort. They made it part of their consciousness that I was going through something and they made sure I knew that I was on their minds.

Thinking of my well-intentioned but bewildered friend, I reminded her that people have their own lives and may get so caught up in their own day-to-day that they just forget to call, or don't know what to say. It's not that they don't love her.

"You're right," she replied, sadly. "But I am not asking for them to give me big block of time, or to single-handedly carry my burden. I am asking for a 3-minute phone call. Or an email that takes 30 seconds to write and send."

The Torah tells us "not to oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt." It's easy to rest on the self-satisfied laurels of the wronged. The ultimate challenge is to harness our pain and learn from it.

When this friend and I are past our challenges and back to feeling "normal," will we remember the incredible preciousness of that phone call or e-mail? When someone else is in pain, will we be able to be more patient? Perhaps it is for this reason that I have gone through my own pain.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 17

(16)
Janice Richmond,
April 10, 2011 9:40 PM

This is so true

Next month it will be a year since my husband died and I am still not "over" his death. Like others who have suffered a loss, my daughter and I may never be over it, but our lives will go on. The stages are so true. You don't notice when one stage of shiva ends and the next begins. They just blend and eventually you realize your life is just a bit better than it was a week or more ago. You look back and realize somewhere along the line you have taken what for you is a major step - ie going to a place you and the deceased loved visiting without wanting to run and hide.Besides needing comfort for yourself, you realize that your adult child is also going through the stages of mourning, but in a different way than you are. This is normal. No two people mourn the same way. At first friends and other family members are there for you, but eventually many drift away. It's not personal; they just don't know how to deal with your sorrow, so they do and/or say nothing. But, if you're lucky as we are, you have a Schul whose congregation and Rabbi are totally there for you in all ways. This latter is what helps my daughter and me go on. As to the rest, it's their loss.

(15)
esther,
April 24, 2010 7:32 PM

thank you

i was actually hurting, when i read this article, at one point i felt like i had no friend, only to realise, people are just too busy doing their personal things that they forget to call...so i dont blame my freinds.

Brian Tarling,
May 18, 2013 8:54 PM

this article

very comforting

(14)
Jennifer,
September 8, 2007 9:33 PM

Thank you

Thank you so much for this website. I am Christian and my best friend is Jewish. She just lost her two year old daughter to cancer. I wanted to learn about her traditions on mourning and how I can help her and you have helped me immensely. Thank you so much. Jennifer

(13)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank You

Last year I made the decision to help my aging parents and moved back into their home after 20 years of being away. I've never regretted the decision although occasionally, during the first few months of adjusting to this new stage of our lives, I turned to a couple of friends during some especially frustrating days. One has a family and active life, the other--a busy professional, is single like me. The friend with a family said, "Maybe this experience is good for you, you need to go through this." My single friend said, "Lisa, you need a break. When I call, you seem sad. I have some frequent flier miles--come visit me for a week or so." I declined and told her to save them for her own vacation but to clear space on the couch in the next year or so when I can take that break. I will always remember her kindness and even though I won't be able to visit her for a long time, I know when I do, we will have a wonderful visit. I was disappointed by my other friend's comments but now I have a trip to plan and look forward to.

(12)
Joel,
May 20, 2005 12:00 AM

Witnessed a Suicide

Early Monday morning I was walking my dog to this bridge in Pasadena called "Colorada Street Bridge". As were walking, I saw this kid standing outside of the bridge and I was kind of shocked. Our eyes met briefly but I kept walking. His eyes showed pain. When I was near the end of the bridge, I saw this old man walking the other direction. I stopped him and told him about the kid. I stopped to look at them talk. When the old guy was gone, I said to myself that I'd just talk to the kid myself. Problem with me is I'm not good at talking to people who are depressed or suicidal. But even before I could talk to him, a cop came behind from me and jumped out of his car and stopped me. When he confronted the kid, the kid just jumped off the bridge. I feel so sorry not being able to say a word to the kid. But I hope he's with God and no more pain. Let's pray for his soul, his name is Albert.

(11)
Anonymous,
October 14, 2002 12:00 AM

Amazing article

This article is incredible. It sums up so much of what people need to know - how you can be trying to help but just end being awful. Everyone should read it!

(10)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you for your essay on "Comforting the Pained"

I am going on my first shiva visit to someone who I hardly know, and so, am not too comfortable. I am now motivated me and much more at ease.

More importantly, they gave me the strength to visit a terminally ill friend who I had been avoiding because I didn't know how to handle the situation. Even my guilt and shame were not motivation enough to overcome my fear and fulfil this obligation.

I cannot express how relieved and grateful I now feel. Thank you so much

(9)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2001 12:00 AM

A message not only to Jews!!!

A co-worker and close friend, very Catholic, just lost her father, and I know she truly appreciated what I did for her: daily calls, took food and drinks for her family, spent time with her. However she spoke of those that didn't do anything, not even a call. Death is a fact of life that everyone faces and people should take heed to this article, because I'll never forget her talking more about the people that didn't call her, didn't e-mail her, or stop by for a visit. I could tell she was hurt by those that "didn't know what to do". I lost my father in 1998 and I did for her the things people did and didn't do for me and my family. Excellent and true article for EVERYONE!!!

(8)
Kathy Sue Whitten,
August 19, 2001 12:00 AM

THANK YOU!

EVERYONE SEEMS TO SCATTER AND DISAPPEAR IN THE DARKEST TIMES OF MY LIFE! I survived cancer with many people praying, but few coming to the house! I suffer from fibromyalgia and no one seems to understand that my good days are when they see me and all the other days are the worst!

(7)
Wendie Abramson,
August 14, 2001 12:00 AM

Great article. Basic information that is so foreign for so many people. Thanks for sharing!

(6)
dicky van gelderen,
August 13, 2001 12:00 AM

Wholheartedly agree

My cousins son committed suicide 18 months ago. They (she and her husband)completely cut themselves off from the rest of the world, and like your article all we can think of is just make that call or emailed greetings. Sometimes we feel guilty about our kids being so levelheaded and fine with the help of ". We feel like, by calling them we are reminding them of our bliss in contrast to their utter and abysmal gloom. Searching in my heart, I fear a small niche in it to be caught gloating in the light of our own great fortune we owe to " baruch hoo oo varuch shemo. Still we call and send a short email, despite all the warps of my deliberations. Shalom!

(5)
Anonymous,
August 13, 2001 12:00 AM

It's the trying that's important

Beautiful article. Sometimes we say nothing for fear that we won't be helpful. I think this article teaches that as long as we try, even in little ways (i.e. the short email or a thoughful message on the answering machine), our friends will see that we care enough to try. Eventually, the more we make an effort to reach out to people who are in pain, the more comfortable we will become and the more confident we will feel in our abilities to make a difference in someone's life.

(4)
Karen Salina,
August 12, 2001 12:00 AM

well written suggestion on grief counseling

I thought the article was timely and well written. Something everyone should read.
Thanks, Karen

(3)
Anonymous,
August 12, 2001 12:00 AM

very timely

This article is extremely relevant right now during this tragic period when so many of the families of Israel have experienced the loss of loved ones. What can we say to a man who has lost a wife and unborn child, a family who has lost a parent, a baby who is now motherless? Thank you for showing us that although we may not have the words, and there may be no words, we can help them just by showing that we are here when they are ready for a listening ear.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 12, 2001 12:00 AM

Really insightful article

Mrs. Pearsen can really write. she basically put into words what my friend's been trying to tell me for a long time. She's been going through a hard time with the loss of someone close to her and I certainly haven't helped by (unknowingly) making her teach me how to try to comfort her. Now I understand what I need to do. Thank you.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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