Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Don't Text With My Heart

Girls, a lot of you have been asking me for advice. "What is a guy's perspective on [insert your obvious and overly emotional girl problem here]?" "How do I get [insert guy's name] to understand how I feel about [insert an unimportant, over-blown emotions-wise situation here]?"

I don't know about all that stuff.

Here is what I do know. When you date me for three years, and we live together, and then things end, drag it out for another year. Really dig your claws in. Now, once you've done that, wait for me to really get fed up and tell you that I don't ever want to see you again, and that I don't want to have anything to do with you. Ever. With me so far? Good. Now, for the next seven months, proceed to call me on a nearly daily basis. Sometimes, leave messages about how much you miss me. Sometimes, don't leave any message at all. Have you noticed that I NEVER answer your calls? I didn't think so. KEEP IT UP, I THINK MAYBE IT IS WORKING. Okay, now, after seven months of calls, send a text message about the cat that we had together when we were a couple. Ignore the fact that the cat has been in your sole possession for almost two years now, and no longer holds any kind of special furry place in my heart. Did sending that text message finally bring down the Gorbachevian wall around my heart? No? Okay, keep calling. Girl, what you do next, and this is a surefire hit, is send me this text message on November 2, 2005, at 12:17 AM:

Will you at least let me come and see you? Please, you have no idea how much I miss you.

Did that successfully erase the deeply ingrained memories of your emotional manipulations and your insufferably callous disinterest in my own well-being? Did that end the months of stony silence you have been receiving from someone (me) who clearly does not want to speak to you (you)? Did I call you right up and ask you to please come on over, because I could not wait to see you?

Well, I think a lot of it hinges on your definition of "miss," too. Like, you and I might use that word to mean "to feel or regret the absence or loss of," as in: You have no idea how much I feel or regret the absence or loss of your presence. I think she's using it more in the sense of "desire to manipulate and control one for the rest of one's life," as in You have no idea how much I desire to manipulate and control you for the rest of your life."

There is then the further complication of "You have no idea how much," which, were it to accurately describe the situation, should read "You don't care how much."