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Movie Pitches! Cuz a Writer’s Gotta Eat

As we all know, Hollywood executives are constantly on social media scouting for prime script-writing talent. At this very moment, they are developing algorithms to mine the internet for cinematic gold.

So, here you are executives! Sign me now, before another film studio snatches me up.

Leprechaun 8- Air Conditioner Repair

An air conditioner repairman named Larry opens up an air conditioner to repair it. A leprechaun appears and tells him that no leprechaun has ever mastered the art of air conditioner repair. He teaches the leprechaun and receives a pot of gold. However, now that the leprechauns have taken over the air conditioner repair business, Larry’s friends are now out for revenge.

Speed 3 – A Writer’s Workshop

A man finds himself in a writer’s workshop. “Whoa,” he says. Suddenly he’s talking like Keanu Reeves. He gets a phone call from a sinister mastermind. “I have sent you 12 years into the past. You’ll be in a workshop with Stephanie Meyers where she will have to explain the value of the first chapter of Twilight work to a classically trained writing professor with French postmodernist leanings. If you don’t defend her novel chapter, a bomb in the class will explode; if you allow any member of your workshop to slander her work without defending it, the classroom will explode; if you try to play Tetris on your phone while they are discussing her work, the classroom will explode. Say, ‘whoa’ once if you understand.” “Whoa!” the main character replies. And thus, begins the adventure of “Speed 3 – Writer’s Workshop.”

The Pitchman

An old school salesman with the motto “Always pitch them hard!” lands in heaven, but just barely. He tries to pitch the almighty on projects and products to improve things — including introducing classics such as “Shake Weight,” “Shamwow!” and “Bowflex”. Mayhem ensues as residents of heaven are dissatisfied with the proliferation useless crap to their simple Garden of Eden. The G-man decides that where he really needs the pitchman is on the shoulder of the guys about to stray from good. Finally, the pitchman is back in action — this time for the good of the G-man himself.

Baby Vampires

A baby is dropped on the doorstep of an unsuspecting Transylvanian couple. Little do they know that the baby is the son of Dracula. In day care, the baby Dracula bites the other babies. With an epidemic of baby vampires on the loose, who are they going to call? Baby Van Helsing! With his onion-flavored milk bottle and baby-rattle stakes, he attempts to save the world from this adorable scourge!

IKEA Furniture (A Dreamworks Picture)

An animated movie about IKEA furniture that attempts to solve geopolitical problems. As more and more countries fall apart as a result of famine, disease, civil war, and extremism, who has the courage to put it all together? IKEA furniture!

The IKEA furniture go to Somalia, Syria, and the Congo to take on the warlords. But the warlords don’t know that these IKEA furniture have manuals to put together everything. Despite their best efforts the IKEA furniture can’t quite put it all together — until the find the missing piece not in their IKEA manuals: love.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory vs. Grampa Joe

Several years after the dramatic events of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Grampa Joe has been muscled out of the business for various misdeeds — like trying to harvest the organs of Oompa Loompas. Now, he’s out for revenge. He’s suing Charlie and his Chocolate Factory with the help of Slugworth and the families of the deceased children — and one other ally: Johnny Cochran. Charlie must field a crack team of Oompa Loompa lawyers and a new creation of the Chocolate Factory — extra chocolatey Johnny Cochran.

Well, that’s it for now, Hollywood. I await your calls.

(Dear reader, which of these movie ideas would you greenlight?)

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