What do you discuss at a 1 years old’s birthday party?

It started off with the usual crap of kids and toys and how kids toys sometimes look like marital aides and then the conversation deteriorated. And the men left to watch the cricket. Or drive hot pokers in their ears. I dunno. I was too busy pouring the pink champagne.

Let me introduce the face of the Moon Cup. Angel.

Man, she looks happy doesn’t she?

Apparently ‘Angel’ has this to say about the little bit of plastic.

“3 days after using my mooncup for the first time and I want to tell the world what they are missing out on! I keep forgetting I’m even on my period! I was dubious at first but now I love it and am never letting it go! thank you sooo much!

I’m telling as many as possible, I have posted a thread on the forum I regularly visit, and am telling all my friends. More people should know about this, I want them to know it’s possible to actually enjoy having a period!”

Enjoy. Having. A. Period.

I am thinking that smile is a little more deranged than happy.

There is also a rather disturbing picture of an open flower on the website. Stamen on full view. Wonder why my Net Nanny didn’t pick up that sort of filth.

But back to Angel.

At work. In the bathroom.

‘Why Angel, you look so happy today!’ some random co-worker (RCW) who obviously doesn’t know the deranged woman well enough to give her a wide berth.

‘Oh I am! I am so excited!! I started my period today!’

RCW looks dubious. And backs away a little lest Angel is harboring a letter opener in her tasselled skirt, or in her Ugg boots made of lambs that committed suicide and signed a release form for said eyesores to be fashioned from their young skin. Unbeknownst to RCW, Angel is not allowed sharp implements under court order. Or duct tape.

Angel skips into the stall and RCW continues to re-apply her makeup, unaware of the horror that is about to unfold on this sunny Wednesday afternoon (Wednesday cause nothing happens on Wednesdays).

Out comes Angel with a floaty blissful smile. The kind of smile that you expect her to light a clove cigarette and sigh.

She is holding something.

She walks to the sink and the sink fills with a red substance.

‘What the fuck is THAT!?’ exclaims RCW with a horrified shriek, stabbing herself in the eye with her mascara wand.

RCW runs screaming from the bathroom and ends up on stress leave. Rocking in a corner with a mascara wand that she has named Eric and is her only friend in the world.

Oh, but there is more!

The testimonials are even more terrifying!

Kitty and Bernadette rave:

“We just got ourselves a mooncup each and are skipping with joy that is mooncupness. the little bags are really cute and the liitle blue ribbons are very pretty. but the actual moncup itself looks kind of scary and medical and we think they should come in different colours and maybe with sparkles.”

What the fuck? Sparkles? Why???? Maybe Kitty would like a Hello Kitty version. Or the Disney Princesses? I bet Sleeping Beauty coulda done with one during that freaking long nap. And perhaps all that dancing the Moon Cup jig has rended them incapable of spelling. Or using punctuation.

Oh but there is a P.S. from our friends Kitty and Bernadette.

“p.s. would it be possible to get some more stickers. I made the foolish mistake of getting my new mooncup out to show my sister while in a bar with some friends and some of the boys decided they wanted to wear the stickers.”

Not only does the Moon Cup come with STICKERS but these imbeciles lovely ladies took it out to a bar.

Now that is love.

Hope they washed it well before slamming shots of tequila out of it.

Now I am sure that there are tens of women using this thing. And thinking it is ‘OMG, like, so awesome and good for the environment and like, stuff’ but for crying out loud the advertising for the thing needs to step it up a notch.

We have it advertised on the local radio. Some woman, squealing like she has just discovered her phone has a vibrate function whilst it was in her pocket, vaguely referring to something that has changed her life as a woman. Call this number to find out more or look it up on the web. I thought a new adult store had opened stocking this, or at the very least the chocolate shop was having a half off sale.

Having women exclaiming they love having their period with a maniacal smile is not good advertising in my opinion.

I am never going to love it.

Unless the thing is made of chocolate. And there is some cocoa-direct-into-the-blood-stream action going on.

Then I might buy it.

But I won’t be washing it out in the sink at work, or taking it out to bars. Cause the next step is soaking up Vodka with a tampon.

And that is just ikky.

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OH. MY. FUCKING. STARS!! She washed it out in the sink, at work, with other ppl in the bathroom?? FFS!! Thats just frickin icky and some things are just meant to be PRIVATE! I wonder if you could strangle her with it?

Oh first let me say I want one of these. I can’t afford to keep going through tampons the way I am.

Secondly, ENJOY having my freaking period? I’m sorry, but no matter what I’ve got catching the icky bits, NOTHING is going to take away my intense desire for chocolate and murder. NOTHING. Not to mention the cramps and bloatedness. Ugh.

Not even a moon cup.

Also? If you are ‘able’ to have them in for up to 12hrs (Yep, I did my research) why on earth would you even be taking it out at work?

Couldn’t fucking PAY ME ENOUGH to have one of those. I don’t WANT to have a happy period, I want to survive it without leaving my children on the curb and curling up with a bottle of red wine and a straw. And chocolate.

I read about a similar product somewhere and decided it would be amusing to tell my husband about it. He was completely destroyed and wished that he didn’t know of its existence. Seems a little horrible.

I snigger at the commercial that says “white skirt confidence” for some pussy plug that expands, expounds and washes the farkin’ dishes (or so we are supposed to believe)

Washing your pussy pod, um… sorry, “mooncup” in the bathroom sink? Getthafarkouddahere! I want the sink thoroughly disinfected, and the taps autoclaved after some skanky biatches pussy product has been cleansed in the sink. Egads, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. *shudders*

Periods are hell. Stars, stickers, whatever… nuffin is going to make my period any better.

O.M.G!!!!!!!! I am clearly a very naive sort of soul cos it took me way to lomg to work out what it was for and how it worked. But the visions of red liquid in the hand sink. oh lordy!! *puked all over the screen*

Now I was wondering how do you stop it from falling out??? .. mmm do they come in different sizes? small for your vestial virgin type pussy or medium for post childbirth or huge for kitty and bernadette????

Bettina: I don’t know the woman. I don’t know if that happened. I am just speculating from the maniacal stare of the deranged woman on the website.

Kate: Well thank GOD! Cause if you wanted sparkly happy periods I would be seriously worried about your state of mind.

Mrsfancypants: ‘bitch funk’ I so have to add that to my repertoire.

Naomi: It vibrates! OMG the freaking stuff would curdle wouldn’t it? Or period cheese. Noice.

Cellobella: See comment to Bettina.

Veronica: TWELVE HOURS???? See I didn’t do much research, the testimonials were enough for me.

Nicole: The taking it out to a bar or just the whole freaking thing?

Meg: *gaffaw* sorta defeats the purpose doesn’t it?

Jayne: Perhaps she has been to the cinema and got injected with some mar-a-joo-ah-na?

Girl: *snort* you too babe. Did you see Mrs Fancy Pants’ word? Almost as good as Jungle Muff eh?

Jen: My period of choice too.

Alison: Just about speechless? I couldn’t breathe when I was reading it.

Jenty: So do you want one with sparkles?

Kin: I am sure that they have their place, but shit those testimonials are just waiting for Saturday Night Live or Chasers to do something with them.

Stimey: *snigger* don’t you love shattering husbands minds? Another sport that should be in the Olympics.

Riayn: You are shitting me. Really? OMG! I want one now! What about Elmo? Tickle me Elmo, please, please, yeah right there…… *snigger*

Anja: Except menopause or a sex change.

Kelly: *snort* I can add puke to the numerous things that have been splattered on screens from one of my posts. Nearly every kind of liquid, chocolate and cottage cheese out the nose have been owned up to. My ultimate aim is someone snort a steak through their nose. Then my life will be complete.

Frogpondrock: A pressie? For me? Kewl! Apparently there are different sizes. I didn’t get past the testimonials cause the pain from laughing was too much.

Widdle Shamrock: Perhaps they should make a flush-able variety. Um, maybe not, that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?

Angel: Sorry babe, that was her name on the website…… But I did think of you while I was writing it and had a bit of a snigger.

Bettina: Hi Bettina’s mum!!! Does she know that there are 3 holes down there or does she think that it catches wee too? *snort*

I’ve read about these on the internet and most people don’t rinse them out in public sinks, they empty them into the toilet and give them a quick wipe with TP or a disposable wipe which they flush away, then re insert. But I’m confused. If you can last 12 hours before needing to empty wouldn’t you just wait until you get home? It does sound like a good idea, doesn’t need changing as often as tampons or pads, wash and reuse so save money, properly inserted it doesn’t move out of place no matter what you do (Meg) and no worries about disposing of tampons and/or pads. The benefits are all good. Having said all that, I still don’t think it would make me or anyone else enjoy having their period. Also I’m glad I’ve been through menopause so I don’t have to worry about any of those issues anymore.

despite the happy period that we all hope to enjoy with a mooncup (pfft), surely leaving it in for 12 hours would cause rabies/scabies/aids/[insert disease here] – perhaps I’m wrong but doesn’t ‘bitch funk’ cause infection if left too long??

Ok, first up, would have to be WAY FUCKING WEIRD to wash a Mooncup out in the sink at work. AND to empty the fucking thing into it, instead of the loo, is just GROSS. In front of another person? That puts you in the padded van category.

Normal women would have a 250ml bottle of water and perform the rinse and empty ritual in the cubicle. Angel is clearly the kind of woman who would breast feed her children until they are 15, ie completely fucking barking.

Second… I have to fess up here. I DO use a Mooncup and it IS brilliant because it saves me a lot of money – what is the magic ingredient added to Viscose when it becomes a tampon that makes it more expensive per ounce than gold dust? Oh yes, the fact it’s a necessity for me and that marketing people are bastards.

However, I HATE having a period. Right now, being pregnant may hurt more than reconstructive knee surgery (I fricking kid you not and I’ve three bastard months to go) but it’s still worth it for all the periods I’m missing! Mwah ha ha haaaargh.

You can go longer with a Mooncup than with a normal tampon because it holds more but in my case – and I’m fairly normal – we’re talking about a couple of hours extra during the day and overnight so you won’t have to get up in the middle. Which is great if you value your sleep.

I also get less bad cramps and no headache.

It did change my life because the kind of tampons I am comfortable in last me 40 minutes during the first two days and the Mooncup lasts me 2-4 hours. A great boost to the confidence when you are being driven to a seminar by your boss in his Beamer with light grey seats and it’s a two hour journey… You don’t have to ask him to stop at every fucking services “for a wee” and thus he isn’t left with the impression you are completely incontinent. Actually I told him the truth in the end…

HOWEVER NO PERIOD IS EVER HAPPY… EVER.

I suggest you see what you can do to have your colleague sectioned. She is clearly a looner.

I think it’s because I can keep the bloody (scuse the pun) thing in there long enough between refits to get a decent night’s sleep in the first two days, thus ensuring I merely suffer from rampant hormonal disturbance and cramping which is merely horrible (as opposed to the writhing agony I endured before) without the sleep deprivation.

Redneck Mommy – that comment is pure class.

Cheers

BC

PS I may use a Mooncup but I NEVER enjoy my period because I am sane and not an alien.

my mother does know there are 3 wholes and that tampons don’t also soak up wee. We’ve never discussed it, but she used to provide me with all the essentials without asking me who to use them, and I’ll take that as sufficient proof of her anatomy knowledge competency! lmao

There is a girl at school, and she has a moon cup… and she washes it in the sink *Shudders* Me and my friend saw her when we were innocently hiding from my French teacher in there, and she wasn’t even bothered we saw her. She has the stickers on her bag too, reckon I can sue “Moon Cup” for psychological damages?

In answer to the question posed as the title to the post – NOT THIS!!! Any time I have a conversation that wanders down to that part of the female anatomy I’m either at a bar with male friends OR my wife is kicking me somewhere because I’ve gotten into a conversation that wandered down to that part of the female anatomy.

now THIS is a pillar post – people are going to be reading this and laughing for years. Well, some will be laughing, some shaking their heads, some perhaps even shuddering. Where would we be without hippies? 🙂

I was once sitting at dinner with a couple that decided that I needed to know all about their fertility control regime that involved an interesting discussion on the different shades of vaginal mucus at different cycle times. It could have been worse – I’ve also swapped yarns around a dinner table with deer stalkers, former sailors, and various stripes of intelligence/security folks 🙂