'Merica . . . the Greatest Sideshow on Earth

Cheese and crackers Uncle Sam. A mid-week Fourth of July really tests the body. Some celebrated it last weekend; some celebrated it this weekend; some celebrated it both. A 10-day holiday in 100-degree heat is the marathon of summer drinking. My liver is going to need some R&R before Labor Day. Nonetheless, a weeklong celebration of ‘Merica is always welcomed. We truly live in a great country even if the following people are included in our populace.
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Probably the 3-year-old who ate grandma’s pot cookies and then slept for more than 16 hours. Damn. Is your grandma Avon Barksdale? How many cookies did you eat? The cookies were apparently made with the THC oil that grandma uses to treat her cancer. Still, this kid needs to grow up some. Just put some Kool-Aid in your sippy cup and queue up some Dora The Explorer like every other pothead in the world.

R. Kelly has revealed that the catalyst behind his divorce was The Notebook. After watching the notorious chick flick, R. Kelly burst into tears knowing his “marriage had died.” Totally with the Pied Piper on this one. Screw The Notebook and any chick that treats rom-coms like they are the Bible. Do you know how difficult it is to cover your bed with rose petals at the crack of dawn with a hangover? I’m sorry my version of breakfast in bed consists of a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich that I microwaved while chugging Gatorade to cure my hangover. We all can’t be building houses in our spare time while looking like Ryan Gosling. Stop believing in fake life shit scripted in Hollywood ladies. So I feel you R. Kelly, The Notebook is probably the #3 reason for divorce in the country . . . right behind Facebook and that whole peeing on people thing.

Jonathan Corcoran was arrested and charged with public intoxication after telling a pair of cops: “I love to fuck a man in uniform,” while in an Iowa City bar. Wait. What? I don’t care how drunk Jonathan was, I don’t care how much he likes men in uniform, there is no way you should be able to be charged with public intoxication while inside a private bar. Being drunk inside a bar is the most responsible drunk you can be aside from drinking at home; and that is generally frowned upon.

Mark Christopher Miller, 50, has been accused of attacking three women with a 4-foot sword and a peanut butter sandwich. The Winter Haven, Florida (surprise) man used the sword to threaten two women and then smeared another with the sandwich before police hauled him away. Real talk for a second: would you rather be threatened with the katana or be smeared with peanut butter? Generally I love peanut butter, but not when it is being rubbed all over my face by a 50-year-old man. Just a bunch of Jif and Skippy all up in your hair and nose. And it doesn’t even mention if there was jelly. People who eat peanut butter sandwiches without jelly are obviously the type of people who will attack you with a sword. So I think I am going to take the sword attack. Give me a clean death, a soldier’s death. Just don’t ruin peanut butter for the rest of my life.

Meet Robert Mrah. The 42-year-old was arrested for the fourth time in nine months – all for public intoxication. Hey . . . Bobby, what are you looking at? What is going on to the right of the camera? It looks amazing. It will make you happy, then shocked, then sad and finally proud. I don’t want to know; I need to know.