Dad's Army

Dad's Army (1968-1977), British sitcom about the Home Guard in World War II by Jimmy Perry and David Croft. The show focuses on the Walmington-On-Sea platoon of the Home Guard, commanded by pompous bank manager Captain Mainwaring, assisted by his mild-mannered chief clerk, Sergeant Wilson. Other members of the platoon include: Lance Corporal Jones, an old soldier; Private Frazer, a Scotsman and former Naval CPO; Private Godfrey, the elderly medical orderly; Private Pike, the youngest member of the platoon; and Private Walker, a black marketeer. This motley band of men provide Walmington-on-Sea's last line of defence against the Nazi hordes.

Vicar: Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my Jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

Jones: I was just going to give the order...just going to give the order...just going to give..

Mainwaring: What's the matter, Corporal?

Jones: I think I'm going Sir. I hear angels' voices!

Mainwaring: Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!

Jones: Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Jones: Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.

Mainwaring: No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

(BANG!)

(The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr Yeatman come rushing in)

Mr Yeatman: VANDALS!

Mainwaring: Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.

Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

Hodges: It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ("The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman).

Mainwaring: What?

Hodges: I'm gonna enjoy this.

(The Bowler runs in and Mainwaring is beaten for pace and knocked off his feet)

German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.

Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!

U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are.

Mainwaring: Oh no, you're not.

U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are!

Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!

U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it?

Mainwaring: Don't tell him Pike!

U-boat Captain: Pike!

Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy (who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard):

U-boat Captain: When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!

U-boat Captain: Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!

Jones: Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!

U-boat Captain: Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.

Mainwaring has given the platoon a lecture about how they should keep their money and valuables in the bank.

Mainwaring: I don't think Frazer suspected I was referring particulary to him, do you?

Wilson: Oh no sir. No, not at all, no. But I must say when you said the word "gold", I did just notice that he jumped every so slightly out of his skin.

Mainwaring: Well, I'm quite sure he had no inkling that I really knew.

Wilson: Oh, no sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no.

(Frazer knocks on door)

Mainwaring: Come in... Yes Frazer.

Frazer: Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you. If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I want to say. Thank you.

Mainwaring opens Frazer's money box

Mainwaring: It's a brick! It's a damn brick.

Frazer: Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk.