Archive for the ‘Rex Gentleman’ Category

Rex’s Motto: Always be closing the door that leads to the elephrantula pens..

“Fine. We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

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The Gentlemans have been in sales for generations, dating back to Rex’s great- great- great-grandfather Parfait, who sold large portions of what would someday become boring swing states to unwitting American diplomats.

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The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

Rex was something of an Army brat in his youth, traveling throughout Europe during the Cold War as his father brought democracy to the burgeoning markets for low cost Teslammo. Rex got to know the ins and outs of many NATO lands, and made life long friends on American military bases that he would be able to blackmail as a defense contractor in later life.

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……After settling down on the East Coast, Rex attended George Washington university, where he earned a major in Auctioneerism and a minor in Laying Waste to Your Competitors (ah, those liberal halcyon days). It was in D.C. that he was infected with the desire to sell unknown quantities to the federal government for immense amounts of untraceable cash: truly this was the American dream.

High five!

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Then while working with the CIA on their urban beautification and Nicaraguan assistance projects, Rex came to our attention. A bright, eager go-getter with a shiny coat, he was a perfect match for Synthetic Bio-Technologies and Heavy Volatile Weapons Incorporated (now Stuff You Need).

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Rex speaks with his major domo

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……Rex rose swiftly through the ranks to nab the coveted post of Head of Sales, from which he could lead his own dark empire, fueled by both the Pentagon’s slush fund and various inconsequential intercontinental nuclear transactions.

But as the economy has done to us all, Rex has had to come back down to earth a bit.

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And we’re glad he has, for as S.Y.N. moves forward bringing new products to the public, we’re excited to see the new profit streams he wades into:

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Grandparents looking for that near-lethal way to keep those damn kids off their lawn

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.

Why, Hammer, why?

After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house?

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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?

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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.

Note: nails not actually gold

That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for. Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:

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– calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone

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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors

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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbuds

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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income. Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.

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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.