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About five years ago, I saw a powerful movie. Without giving too much away, today’s guest was in that movie, October Baby. Her performance made a lasting impression and spoke to the healing that is found in forgiveness.

Interview with Shari Rigby

The book trailer for Beautifully Flawed is stirring; well done. What do you hope readers gain from your autobiography?

Thank you! It was such an incredible experience to co-write, produce, and direct the Beautifully Flawed book trailer*. Everyone that participated in the project someway or another has influenced ​my life and my story.

I believe everyone has a story, a powerful life message to share with others, to give hope and to help us remember we are not alone. Our life situations and relationships shape us, building our character while facing trials and tribulations, but also celebrating the goodness of God’s grace. I believe God has called me “for such a time as this.” If God can use someone like me, flaws and all, He can definitely use someone like you. He sees you as special, He wants to use your story, your testimony. You just have to be willing.

Our flaws shape us, they make us who we are, they draw us closer to God. I am who I am today, because of them, and they are what ultimately brought me into a relationship with Jesus. This is how we know how much He loves us, that despite all our imperfections, He sees us as beautiful.

What were some of the lies you bought into as a teen, about your identity and worth? How did those lies fuel your choices?

One of the lies ​I bought into as a young girl was that I wasn’t good enough to be part of certain friend groups. I had crazy curly red hair, held onto my baby fat until junior high and I had a lisp. The girls I saw as popular with the girls and boys, were perfect in every way which meant they looked different than I did. I took this negative talk into my junior high and high school years, which made me settle for second best when it came to guys. I longed for attention and the need to be loved. I found myself in one broken relationship after another and my self-worth become more frayed.

You say, “the desire to be needed was an addiction far greater than any drug, and it began eating me alive.” Can you share an example of how that addiction played out? And what led to breaking that addiction?

Yes, this is one of my favorite quotes from my book. As I would seek out relationships with boys, I would always find myself giving my best away to them and receiving a broken heart in return. Once they had realized that I was longing to be loved and they got what they wanted, they quickly moved on to the next girl. So for a very long time, I was on this roller coaster of “in love one day, can’t live without him the next, to being left for ​the next girl—which always left me comparing myself to the new girl. What did she have that I didn’t? Why would he breakup with me? Wasn’t I good enough? All of the lies that propelled me to try to find “true love.” I remember sitting on my parents’ bathroom floor crying out, “Can’t anyone love me?” This was because I had only experienced a love that was of the flesh. A love that could not withstand the test of time. But today I have that kind of love in Jesus! He is my “Ultimate Romance.”

How did Christ draw you to Himself?

​Christ drew me near to Him over and over again through miracles in my life. Looking back, I can tell you that there are many things that happened in my life that only the Lord saved me from…simply said, “I shouldn’t be here.” ​Also, I count myself as very blessed because I believe that I’ve always been able to hear the Lord’s voice. Whether He is speaking directly to me or through a vision or dream, He has made our relationship so real. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I know that He longs to be my all in all. He sits with me. He stands before me. He sees me and encourages me to keep running the race…reminding me that I am beautifully made to glorify His kingdom. Now when you have that purpose, you continue to see that He is truly our Abba!

When you were a single mom, what did you most need from other believers? What advice do you have for others coming alongside single mothers?

I was a single mom for several years until I started dating my husband, Matt. Up until that time I wasn’t in church or living a life as a Christ follower. However, when we started dating, he quickly invited me to church where I turned my life over to Christ. My biggest fear of walking into that church was believing that I was damaged goods or at least I thought I was and that everyone would know my past and treat me differently because of it. Again, those were lies that the enemy wanted me to believe to keep me out of church. As my relationship grew with Christ, I began to see how He saw me as pure, blameless, and His.

I will say that I have met Christians that don’t hesitate to wear their thoughts on their sleeves so to speak about single mothers or just hard topics in general. I just try to be full of grace and share all that the Lord has done in my life, hoping they will be reminded that He has done the same for them.

I would say it is our job as believers to love single mothers like Christ loves the church. We need to be kind, gentle, and willing to step in and up to assist a mother in need. When we are able to show this kind of love and service to her, this will in turn give her a self-confidence and knowledge that she is loved and worthy. Then she in turn will bestow this upon her children and they will be encouraged to know that their lives are beautiful and purposeful too. This is the way we help to change generations!

If you could sit down with another woman who has had an abortion, what words would you offer to her? What might she need to know and hear, in light of God’s heart for her?

This is a big question to tackle because so many of the women that I’ve encountered have different abortion stories. But first, I would just love on her and tell her that I was here to listen. I have had several women who have shared some really tough stories with me and truly they just need someone to share with and to feel safe with. ​

I think the thing we so often forget when sitting with someone who is struggling with past decisions or mistakes, is that sin is sin…brokenness is broken, so which one is she dealing with? After listening, depending on the woman, I usually ask if I can pray with her first before sharing my thoughts. Then I begin to share about who Jesus is. The New Testament Jesus. The Jesus that sits with the woman at the well or the woman with the affliction. Or the woman that is about to be stoned that He stands before…taking on all of her accusers that have come against her. You see, this is the Jesus I know. Once we can experience Him on this level, to see Him as He sees us, we can begin to see that He has forgiven us. He has already given us a clean slate.

How can the church do a better job of supporting post-abortive women?

First of all, we can do a better job by acknowledging that women and men within our churches are struggling with being post-abortive. Most churches don’t want to address the subject of abortion. ​Really the only time most churches address abortion is during “Right to Life” month, but there is so much more. This is really a symptom of not knowing who are identity is in or how to value life because maybe the woman that is carrying that baby or did at one time, doesn’t see herself as valuable. If this is the case, then how can she see the life as valuable that she is carrying? This is the topic of speaking directly to the hearts of those who need to know they are worthy! We need to have pastors and church leaders make this a priority and hopefully if they do, women and men will not sit in church and feel the cloud of shame looming over them.

Many women feel guilty about their past and see themselves as flawed, not beautifully flawed. Could you offer a prayer below on their behalf?

​Thank you Lord for each and every women that reads this piece. Thank you for each and every woman that you have given life to. I pray Lord that women, young and old, would see themselves as worthy, loved, and cherished by you, no matter what their pasts might have looked like. I pray Lord that they will hear your voice to be reminded that their story has power because of you and they can use it to glorify your name and to help others that are walking a path of brokenness. I pray you would remind them of the scripture:

Zeph. 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

Amen.

Thank you for encouraging us today, Shari. And for courageously sharing your story here and in your book, Beautifully Flawed.

Shari Rigby got her start in acting as a lead in the Dove award-winning music video, “Slow Fade,” by Casting Crowns. Her feature films include Not Today and October Baby with leading roles in upcoming films, such as: Boonville Redemption (starring Diane Ladd, Ed Asner), Wildflower (starring Cody Longo and Nathalia Ramos),The Journalist (starring Sharman Joshi and Stephen Baldwin), and Extraordinary (starring Karen Abercrombie, Leland Klassen and Lindsley Register).

Shari co-wrote her biography, Beautifully Flawed, with Claire Yorita Lee. Recently, Shari has completed a 7 day devotional titled, Pursue The Passion, for the re-release of The Passion Of The Christ.

Shari’s directing debut was for her book trailer for Beautifully Flawed, which she co-wrote and produced. Shari is the Director of Broadcast Media for the Dream Center in Los Angeles. She is the Executive Producer and director of the Dream Center show currently airing on the Daystar channel.

Shari is the founder of “The Women In My World,” a women’s group focusing on identity, purpose, ministry, serving others, mentoring and living life in Hollywood. Shari’s passion is serving others through the Dream Center Los Angeles and The Gary Sinise Foundation. She has worked for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and Samaritan’s Purse.

Shari’s greatest gift of all is her family. Shari and her husband, Matt, have been married for twenty years and have been blessed to raise two boys together.

What a treat to host the one and only Lisa-Jo Baker as she shares about her latest book, Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendships.

Interview with Lisa-Jo Baker

What are the two biggest obstacles that prevent women from connecting?

Two statements that we all probably say at least once a day but are 2 of the biggest obstacles to real connection: “I’m fine” and “I’m so busy.”

Fine is so dangerous, isn’t it? Fine means the end of a conversation; the beginning of nothing. Now it’s time for the battle cry that if Truth can set us free, it’s best to start living in those places. Maybe going first and admitting our un-fine isn’t a weakness, instead it’s a gift to the women around us who can finally exhale and admit their un-fine too.

Similarly, it’s brave and counter cultural to refuse to utter those three words we say without even thinking, “I’m too busy.” I don’t want to be too busy. I want to be available.

I’m a realist; I know it’s impossible to be available to everyone. But to the few God has trusted me with? The friends who do life with me and my people? I owe them my availability.

What does the Bible teach about friendship?

“In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” John 1:1 (NIV).

In the beginning. A perfect, triune friendship. Intimate. Safe. Beloved. Complete. And then God, out of the overflow of this full and satisfying relationship began the work of creation. And on the sixth day, God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness. . . So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female. Genesis 1:26-27

And God breathed His own breath into us.

Into us God breathed the desire for companionship. Into us God breathed the gift of community. Into us God breathed all the capacity for believing the best about each other, loving others more than ourselves, and making ourselves wildly vulnerable without fear of betrayal.

How should we follow Jesus’s friendship example?

Jesus sank His entire self into just twelve friends. A small circle. A circle that included hot heads and doubters and friends who would fall asleep when He needed them most. Friends who swore they’d never known him and sold out his friendship to people who wanted to kill him. Twelve men who were horribly imperfect, constantly misunderstood Him and were often inconvenient to Him in the worst ways.

But Jesus didn’t leave, unlike or unfriend a single one of them. Not even when they deserved it. Not even when they swore they’d never met Him, didn’t know Him, despised what He stood for. Instead, He kept on keeping His promise first made through Moses in Genesis, that He would never leave or forsake His people. Deuteronomy 31: 6 (HCSB) Jesus kept on being a friend right up to, through and across the bitter finish line and then continued to pursue them across the span of His own death and life again. In His final prayer, His heartfelt correspondence with His Father God on the night before He would die, He testified to His own faithfulness as a friend to the 12 men he’d called by name, “While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled.” John 17:12 (ESV)

Jesus could tell His Father in no uncertain terms, that as far as it was possible for Him, He had kept the faith and the friendship of every one of the men entrusted to Him. Even Judas had been included right up until the moment He chose to quit Jesus, not the other way around.

What do you mean when you talk about skinny jeans friendship vs sweatpants friendship?

Skinny Jeans friendship is the lie that thinks I can squeeze my friends into my style of friendship; that I can fix them or expect them to fix me and be all things to me and fill me up and never let me down. But that’s impossible for any human being to live up to.

Because the thing is, being human by definition means we’re surrounded by other humans. And because we’re not simply clones, we’re going to get offended, frustrated, and wish we could change the way other people do friendship. Growth is one thing. Growth is healthy. Growth is good.

But manipulation and control are completely different. They try to rewrite the stories of the people around us into a version that suits us better. That’s more convenient for us. That makes them in our own image. And often we do it out of our own fear. Out of our own past hurts. Out of the desperate desire to control our interactions with other people.

But sweatpants friendship knows what we really need are friendships that leave room to breathe and be ourselves – baggage and all. When we are convinced that our lives bring delight to a God who views us with such an all consuming passion that He would choose to woo us, love us, die for us, sing over us and celebrate us, then we are women who can give each other the gift of guilt free, sweatpants friendship.

This is the key to becoming women who don’t depend on the schedules or generosity or the emotional roller coasters of others to fill us up. Take it from a woman who has cruised her Instagram comments from a bathroom stall because she was so anxious for acceptance. It will be the greatest relief of your life to stop waiting on someone else to give you permission to feel good about yourself. It will remake you and liberate you to believe that there’s a God more passionate about you than the ending of any Jane Austen novel. So let Him. Just let Him.

Thank you for being with us today, Lisa-Jo. We are grateful for your willingness to guide us through important conversations about friendships.

Lisa-Jo Baker has been the community manager for incourage.me, an online home for women all over the world, for nearly a decade and her new book, Never Unfriended just released this week. Her online writings have been syndicated from New Zealand to New York and she lives just outside Washington, DC, with her husband and their three very loud kids, where she connects, encourages and champions women in person and through her blog, lisajobaker.com. She’d love to connect with you on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter @lisajobaker.

At two different writing conferences, I spotted women who looked familiar. God kept crossing our paths. In both instances, we did not know each other, although it felt like we did. The first woman was Gina, the second woman was Shannon. The common factor? We were writing books about control.

Maybe our souls recognized that common thread? Or more likely, God drew us together for encouragement on the journey to freedom.

Do you struggle with control issues? Today’s guest, on the Interview Series, has hope for you!

Interview with Shannon Popkin:

The title of your new book is Control Girl: Lessons on Surrendering Your Burden of Control from Seven Women in the Bible, but the initial inspiration came from your own life. When did you first realize you had a control issue?

Before I got married, I didn’t realize I was a Control Girl, probably because I could control most everything in my little life. Then I got married, and my husband was messing up all of my plans. He wanted to stay in, and I wanted to go out. He wanted to save our money, and I wanted to spend it. He wanted to get up early, and I wanted to stay up late. These were my first tastes of giving up control, and I didn’t like it. When we added children, houses, dogs and jobs to our lives, my control issues really began to mushroom. There was so much I couldn’t control! God used the chaos of family life to press me to consider my heart’s unhealthy craving for control.

Do you think “Control Girls” readily recognize their problem with control?

I didn’t. Even as I was behaving like a complete Control Girl, I didn’t see control as my problem. I thought my problem was anger. I was reading books about anger and asking my friends to pray for me. Then one day I was driving in the car, and I heard Dee Brestin on the radio talking about the “sin beneath the sin.” She said we often recognize our surface-level sins, such as anger, but we fail to connect them to the deeper sin. Then she mentioned the sin of control. In an instant, I knew this was my problem.

I’ve found my anger, anxiety and perfectionism often stem from this deep, insatiable, unhealthy craving I have for control. When I see these other things (losing my temper, trying to be seen as perfect, anxiety over safety, etc.) rising to the surface, I’ve found it’s helpful to ask, “OK, Shannon. What are you trying to control? What do you fear losing control of?”

Tell us the story of your son and a broken video game remote. How does that example relate to our own illusions of control?

Years ago, I bought a video game controller at a garage sale. When I got it home, I realized it didn’t work. I kept it because at that time, Cade, my youngest son, was about two years old and constantly trying to wrestle the controllers out of the big kids’ hands while they played video games. They would put this broken controller in his hands, and he was completely content, jamming his thumbs on the buttons and watching the guys on the screen jump around. He had no idea that not only was it broken, but it wasn’t plugged in!

This is such a good picture of me. As I watch life playing out all around me, I feel as though I’m in control, like I’m the one keeping everything from running off the rails. Then there are these moments when it becomes painfully obvious I’m not in control. It’s as if God leans low from heaven and dangles the cord of my teeny weeny controller in front of me, saying, “You know what, honey? You’re not plugged in!” God isn’t taunting me; He’s inviting me to lay down the burden of trying to control everything. This whole big world, with all of its shifting variables, does not rest in my hands. God is in control, not me. He invites me to live like I believe this is true.

How can we relinquish control in times when God seems distant and quiet?

Sometimes God does seem far away. We wonder if He sees us or if He cares. Leah felt that way. So did Hagar. Both of them faced desperate, horrific situations. It must have seemed as though God hadn’t even taken notice of them. But there’s a little phrase that punches a hole into the darkness of Leah’s story. Genesis 29:31 says God saw Leah was unloved. He saw her. When Hagar was in the wilderness, crying in desperation, powerless to save her son, Genesis 21:17 says God heard Ishmael. He was dying of dehydration, so I can’t imagine his cries were loud, yet God was close enough to hear him.

If I’m convinced God doesn’t see or hear and if I’m suspicious of God’s motives or wonder if He cares, I won’t surrender to Him. I’ll trust myself instead and resort to my Control Girl tactics. What if I just open God’s Word and remind myself of what’s true: God is not only enthroned above the universe, but He also cares about me and is working all things together for my good? Well, then. I’ve readied my heart to say, “God, I might not see you or hear you in this moment, but I know you see, you hear me and you are intricately involved in the details of my life. I surrender even the hardships and struggle to your good, God hands.”

Control Girl has a very intentional structure. How is this book designed to be used?

Each chapter is divided into lessons. I want the woman on a time-budget to be able to read a Bible passage, read a complete train of thought related to the topic of control and then make the content personal, all in one sitting. The chapters will be best digested one lesson at a time, rather than all at once.

The book can be used by individuals or groups. There is a free downloadable leader’s discussion guide on my website, www.shannonpopkin.com, along with other resources and freebies.

Shannon is happy to be sharing life with Ken, who makes her laugh every single day. Together, they live the fast-paced life of parenting three teens. For more from Shannon, please go to shannonpopkin.com, or connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Pinterest.

welcome

Hi, I'm Katie (a Modern Martha, wife, and mom to five). I'm so glad you're here! Let's enjoy some cut-to-the-chase conversation over hot or iced tea, as we find grace in the unraveling of life (together). Let's exchange try-hard striving for hope-filled freedom as we settle into our position as a doer and a daughter—created by a Loving Father.
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