Case 1242a: The Stolen iPod.

Uploaded 09/20/2011

It 'twas another dreary Saturday morning; the commissioner was surely looking for somebody to partake in a case that has been all over the news. "Mayor Neko's iPod Gone Missing!" "iPod Needed Or Else Neko Can't Blog, Help!" I sat in my office awaiting the call from the commissioner, assuming that he'd contact me instantaneously in regards to the matter at hand, when Ms. Neko herself bursted into my office. The poor soul was doused in rain, each droplet gradually making its way to my unkempt wooden office floor. Neko: Detective Ryan, m-m-my iPod has been stole-

Detective Ryan: I'm well aware, Mayor Neko. It has been all over the tabloids ... the commissioner has been up my ass (lie) with the case. I'm not sure much can be done in regards to your misplacement, however. There are no leads and no evidence to initiate something to bring justice to the perpetrators that have stolen your iPod.

Neko: Detective Ryan, please! I need your help ... please!

*Dispatch breaks in: Calling all units, calling all units. There has been a dead body found in the vicinity of where Mayor Neko claimed her iPod to be stolen. Please head over and investigate, please head over and investigate. Out.*Detective Ryan: Well, I'll be damned, Ms. Neko. It appears serendipity has rained upon us as we have a lead. I hope this dead body can be tied to the case, Mayor Neko.

Neko: Please! Please, Detective Ryan! You must find my iPod ... I need to blog and Neko Punch my competition, especially that can collector and wannabe musician who have been harassing me down the street ... you know, Tyaeda and Rednote.

Detective Ryan: *laugh* Yes, I remember those two ... I had Tyaeda locked up for indecent exposure at the senior citizen home and Rednote arrested for forcing himself to suck a man's cock. Don't worry, Mayor Neko, I'm on this.

*Detective Ryan departs from his office and embarks to the crime scene, where he runs into Officer Letmedangle and the gruesome remains of a body. Tucked away in the blouse of the dead victim is a note, most likely hemp.*Officer Letmedangle: Good day, Detective Ryan. Did the commissioner send you here? We got a real pickle in a barrel, that's for sure!

Detective Ryan: Spare the small talk for another time, Officer Letmedangle. What do we got here?

Officer Letmedangle: A real sick son of a bitch has done enough damage to this poor victim that it took our coroner a good ten minutes or so to fully identify the victim. Its name - or her name - is Gyps, a street whore who suffered from Multiple Personality disorder and slept with many men to feed her crack addiction. One minute, she's an endearing woman from French Canada and the next, she's some Scottish potty mouth who can't form a coherent and articulate sentence.

Detective Ryan: *holds back on vomiting his breakfast* My God, that THING was a woman? What was the cause of death?

Officer Letmedangle: Multiple penises rammed into her mouth as well as her anus, eye sockets, ears, and nasal openings. Also, take a look at this: *Officer Letmedangle points to a note rammed into the victim's blouse's front pocket* ... it appears to be a note left by the sick son of a bitch.

Detective Ryan: I knew it ... my archenemy ... that man who has stolen enough from my wife, my children, and including myself ... Fred Savage. This fiend ... this enemy to the public has been arrested multiple times for being British and for not having a proper dental plan. I know exactly where to find him, thanks for your help, Officer Letmedangle.

*Detective Ryan, with haste, drives his car to 123 Fake Street, the residence of Mr. Fred Savage, the sick son of a bitch who is British and enjoys eating crumpets. Detective Ryan drives up to the rundown apartment littered with Oasis promotional advertisements and Rolling Stones posters. On the fifth floor, where Mr. Fred Savage lives, Detective Ryan notices that the lights are on and Mr. Fred Savage is most likely home. Andrew waltzed up to the apartment, where he immediately bangs on the door.*Detective Ryan: Savage ... SAVAGE! OPEN UP, IT'S DETECTIVE RYAN HERE TO ARREST YOU FOR THE MURDER OF A HOOKER AND STEALING THE MAYOR'S IPOD.

*Detective Ryan smashes down the door; the force exerted by the smash knocks Fred Savage to his ass*Detective Ryan: Mr. Fred Savage, you are hereby under arrest for the murder of a public vagina woman and the theft of Mayor Neko's iPod.

Fred Savage: Ye can't do this, oy! I wuz here in me apartment all along watchin' Eurovision with me three children ... b-b-before tat I was watching Liverpool play Manchester United in a game of futbol, oy! Oy! Ye can't do dis!

Detective Ryan: Enough of the deceptions, Fred Savage. I found this note *shows the poorly written note to Fred Savage* in the ho's pocket ... also, you have had a record of being a kleptomaniac, stealing prized items like Tyaeda's virginity and Ron Paul supporters' brains. Put your hands out at once so I place these cuffs on them.

Detective Ryan: Very well. *Detective Ryan proceeds to search the apartment to no avail ... no iPod and a murder weapon cannot be found.* It seems that I cannot find the proper evidence to have you thrown away ... nevertheless, I'm taking you in for further questioning.

*Detective Ryan cuffs Mr. Fred Savage and proceeds to drive him back to the station, where he will be further questioned by more experienced interrogators. Andrew then returns back to his office, where he encounters Mayor Neko, waiting patiently at his desk*Detective Ryan: Egads, Mayor Neko, you scared me! What are you doing here?

Mayor Neko: I must congratulate you on finding the perpetrator, Detective Ryan ... but this must end now.

*Mayor Neko whips out a revolver and immediately points it at Detective Ryan, who stands defensiveness and in complete shock*

Detective Ryan: I don't understand, Mayor Neko. Why?

Mayor Neko: You fool, my iPod was never stolen. It was all a publicity stunt to further bolster my ratings as being mayor. I killed that dirty slut Gyps and framed Fred Savage by placing that British slang garbage note in Gyps' pocket. That way, you would respond to my false outcry and pursue to arrest that British bum Fred Savage ... all according to plan.

*Detective Ryan cowers in fear, closing his eyes. Mayor Neko steadies herself and a gun sound goes off ... Mayor Neko drops to the ground, a bullet wound pierced through her forehead.*Detective Ryan: What the fuck? *Detective Ryan opens his eyes and sees Officer Letmedangle standing at his office's door* Officer Letmedangle ... but how did you know?

Officer Letmedangle: *chuckles and holsters his gun* I knew that Mayor Neko wouldn't lose her iPod, especially since it would jeopardize her daily blog postings and her "Speak Asian" translator.