You have a lot of little things that can be fixed with just more proof-reading. For instance, there are some grammatical things (comma splices and such), and the fluidity isn't always there. Fluidity is a good thing, haha. It makes for an easier read, which the reader always appreciates and thus it encourages them to continue reading. As for the proof-reading, you can always get an outside party to do it. Either a reader on here or a friend that you trust with your work.

I have no faults with the content; in fact, I'm quite enjoying it as it's not the usual stuff I read on here.

Just one comment on this chapter - "As if on cue, three burly looking men came barging through the door. They all bore a strong resemblance to the man that had tried to attack her in the room where she’d awoken. Maybe it was the uniform stark white clothing and hair. And who could forget the red eyes."

So far this is really good, but make sure you proof-read. When Evelyn first finds out the year, you have it as '2031' instead of '2301'. Also, for a narrative written as a journal of past events, it could be a little bit smoother. It's not like a journal entry from the actual day it happened, so the coherency and flow of the narrative shouldn't entirely be affected.

I really liked how you named them "Mr. White" and such - it was a touch of "Reservoir Dogs", even if you didn't intend it to be that way. You could also play with that idea a bit; in RD, they aren't ever supposed to know each other's names, and when they are told it is a sign of implicit trust. So although the two brothers have introduced themselves, you could work in that idea somehow if you're interested.

All in all, I like it, and I'm definitely interested in seeing where you take it.

Ouch, 5 APs? I had 4 last year, and it almost killed me. I dunno what I was smoking, taking both Euro and Gov. Anyway, onto the story...

I loved it. It's so different from whatever else is floating around on this site. Maybe it's just because I'm a little bit of a nerd (ok, A LOT of a nerd), but I thought it was funny. I can't wait to read more!

this is really good, a very interesting plot, and concise prologue/first chapter - it explains quite a bit and gives a clear idea of what the story is going to be about...i'm off to read the rest of your stories now! keep writing