One Day at a Time

The Week in Review

Here at One Day at a Time, we are staunchly against violence of any kind—unless it's the "funny" kind. Early this morning, old-timey rap mogul Diddy (formerly Puff Daddy, formerly P. Diddy, actually Sean Combs) laid fists upon fresh-faced R&B upstart Drake (does he even have a last name?) outside Miami's posh LIV nightclub. According to the New York Daily News, Diddy felt disrespected by the young'un for either (a) using his music without obtaining proper rights, or (b) shit-talking Diddy's 28-year-old girlfriend. Regardless, a club insider said, "[Diddy] had his security walk over to Drake's table and let them know that Diddy wanted to talk to him outside around 4 am." All together now: OOOOOOOOH! Drake was like, "Why not?"—because what's a 107-year-old (okay, fine, he's 45) rap producer going to do? Punch him? Well, actually... yes! And not only once, but THREE TIMES sending Drake down to the pavement, and later to the temporary confines of the hospital. After applying the ass-whuppin', Grandpa Diddy nonchalantly returned to the club's VIP section to chill—like the proverbial BOSS. Meanwhile onlooker DJ Sam Sneak posted a Drake update on his Twatter machine: "Drake at the hospital.... He dislocated his shoulder. Yall pray for Drake." Umm... newsflash: We don't pray for anything—much less Drake and his dumb dislocated shoulder. Besides, God doesn't want to do anything that'll make Diddy mad!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9

Well, the long-awaited CIA "torture report" was released today—and the results were just as bad (if not worse) than expected. The report, penned by a Senate investigative panel, documented the disturbingly harsh and sadistic interrogation techniques practiced by the CIA for years following the 9/11 attacks, such as (prepare to be horrified): detainees being forced to stand on broken limbs for extended periods while being shackled to a wall, kept in total darkness, stripped of clothes and then dragged up and down a hallway, made to sit pantsless on a cold cement floor (causing one prisoner to die from hypothermia), deprived of sleep for up to 180 hours (usually standing in "stress positions"), as well as being regularly waterboarded and subjected to unnecessary "rectal feeding" conducted with "excessive force" thereby causing "anal fissures, chronic hemorrhoids, and symptomatic rectal prolapse." Bush and Cheney's White House chose to hide such information from key members of its team (including then-Secretary of State Colin Powell), while the CIA actively hid their techniques from other high-ranking government officials. Unsurprisingly, most of the world was shocked and disgusted by this report, with many calling for the ouster of the CIA's director, and the prosecution of senior Bush White House officials. Unshockingly, former Vice President/megalomaniac Dick Cheney is sticking to his guns—not only refusing to acknowledge the CIA's practices as "torture," but proudly stating that if faced with a similar situation, he'd "do it again in a minute." (To all those who recently voted Republicans back into office: Commence kicking yourselves.)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10

In much more heartening news, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted this weekend entering Miami's swanky Rec Room alone—and later leaving with 20 women. A drooling, jealous onlooker told the New York Daily News that Leo was surrounded by beautiful women in the club, "and left with every single girl partying in his VIP section," adding, "he is my hero." When contacted for response, Hubby Kip said, "BIG DEAL... I've left a club with 20 girls before"—neglecting to mention that the club was on fire. MEANWHILE...Life & Style magazine reports that 21-year-old pop tartlet Ariana Grande insists on being carried by her entourage immediately following performances. "Her new rule is that she has to... literally be carried like a baby when she doesn't feel like walking," said a snoopy source. "BIG DEAL," Hubby Kip interjected again. "I get carried like a baby all the time." (Note to Kip: Being carried in and out of a CHIERS van doesn't count.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11

Today in Kim Kardashian saying something remarkably stupid: Kim told Elle magazine that the reason she gained so much weight during her pregnancy was because God was trying to teach her a lesson. "I think God was doing this for a reason," said America's most despised idiot. "He was saying, 'Kim, you think you're so hot, but look what I can do to you.'" "Ummm... FYI, the real reason mothers gain weight during pregnancy is to supply their unborn children with enough nutrients to survive," God responded flatly. "If I wanted to teach Kim a lesson, I'd admit she was a colossal mistake, murder the earth, and start over."

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12

Before we pour ourselves a few stiff martinis and get underway with the weekend, dears, a correction: Last week, we reported that Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg, star of such fine films as Transformers: Age of Extinction and purveyor of such fine hamburgers as Wahlburgers, was seeking pardon for a 1988 assault, when the then-16-year-old Wahlberg, after trying to steal liquor from a Boston convenience store, hit a Vietnamese man in the head with a stick and then, after asking another Vietnamese man, Johnny Trinh, for help, punched him as well—blinding him in one eye. HOWEVER. In the time since that story was published, the Daily Mail found Trinh—currently working for $9 an hour at an Arlington, Texas clothing store—and discovered Wahlberg didn't blind him. Why? Oh, because he wasalready blind in one eye, because he got hit with grenade shrapnel while fighting alongside US forces in Vietnam. Marky Mark didn't partially blind an innocent bystander—he just hit an innocent bystander who already happened to be partially blind. What a guy. As for Trinh, he sounds like exactly the sort of hero who doesn't deserve to get hate-crimed in the face. "He was young and reckless, but I forgive him now," Trinh told the Daily Mail. "Everyone deserves another chance." You're a better person than we are, Trinh—though we're still pretty sure you should be getting quite a hefty cut from every Wahlburger sold.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13

In apparent response to Sony's upcoming film The Interview, in which Seth Rogen and James Franco are sent to assassinate North Korea's crackpot dictator, Kim Jong-un, hackers calling themselves the "Guardians of Peace" infiltrated Sony's computer systems, releasing huge amounts of professional and personal data. And since Sony makes movies, a lot of that sensitive info contained both legitimate news (like evidence that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams are paid significantly less than their male co-stars, and a glimpse into Sony execs making racist jokes about how President Barack Obama might enjoy Django Unchained, The Butler, and Ride Along), glimpses into Hollyweird's not-so-glamorous moviemaking techniques (like how Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai pressured The Interview directors Rogen and Evan Goldberg to tone down Kim Jong-un's gruesome death scene, until Rogen capitulated, finally emailing Sony, "We removed the fire from the hair and the entire secondary wave of head chunks"), and a bunch of assorted tidbits, like studio execs making fun of Jaden and Willow Smith (as have we all), accepting George Clooney's apologies for The Monuments Men ("I've just lost touch," Clooney humbly wrote, "Who knew? Sorry. I won't do it again"), badmouthing the "despicable" Leonardo DiCaprio's "horrible behavior," making plans for "an immersive cinema experience" starring Kanye West (oh... no), rebuffing Marvel's offers to make Spider-Man movies watchable again, and calling Angelina Jolie both a "camp event" and a "minimally talented spoiled brat." In conclusion, everyone in Hollyweird is a terrible, terrible person. They might even be worse than Kim Jong-un.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14

Barbara Walters has a new special out called The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014, and—WAIT. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. It turns out that Walters' most fascinating person of 2014 is—no. No. This can't be right. Amal Clooney? That soulless harpy who stole away George? Who's probably directly responsible for The Monuments Men being so bad that our darling George had to apologize? Who has done nothing to deserve anything like being called "fascinating" at all, even by a desiccated old bat like Barbara Walters and... and... oh, look at that. It's about time for another martini. Or five.